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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/2318.txt b/2318.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1748e30 --- /dev/null +++ b/2318.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6090 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Droll Stories, Volume 2, by Honore de Balzac + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Droll Stories, Volume 2 + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Release Date: August 23, 2004 [EBook #2318] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 2 *** + + + + +Produced by John Bickers, Ian Hodgson, and Dagny + + + + + DROLL STORIES + + COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE + + VOLUME II + THE SECOND TEN TALES + + BY + + HONORE DE BALZAC + + + + + CONTENTS + +THE SECOND TEN TALES + +PROLOGUE +THE THREE CLERKS OF SAINT NICHOLAS +THE CONTINENCE OF KING FRANCIS THE FIRST +THE MERRY TATTLE OF THE NUNS OF POISSY +HOW THE CHATEAU D'AZAY CAME TO BE BUILT +THE FALSE COURTESAN +THE DANGER OF BEING TOO INNOCENT +THE DEAR NIGHT OF LOVE +THE SERMON OF THE MERRY VICAR OF MEUDON +THE SUCCUBUS +DESPAIR IN LOVE +EPILOGUE + + + + + SECOND TEN TALES + + + + PROLOGUE + +Certain persons have reproached the Author for knowing no more about +the language of the olden times than hares do of telling stories. +Formerly these people would have been vilified, called cannibals, +churls, and sycophants, and Gomorrah would have been hinted at as +their natal place. But the Author consents to spare them the flowery +epithets of ancient criticism; he contents himself with wishing not to +be in their skin, for he would be disgusted with himself, and esteem +himself the vilest of scribblers thus to calumniate a poor little book +which is not in the style of any spoil-paper of these times. Ah! +ill-natured wretches! you should save your breath to cool your own +porridge! The Author consoles himself for his want of success in not +pleasing everyone by remembering that an old Tourainian, of eternal +memory, had put up with such contumely, that losing all patience, he +declared in one of his prologues, that he would never more put pen to +paper. Another age, but the same manners. Nothing changes, neither God +above nor men below. Thereupon of the Author continues his task with a +light heart, relying upon the future to reward his heavy labours. + +And certes, it is a hard task to invent _A Hundred Droll Tales_, since +not only have ruffians and envious men opened fire upon him, but his +friends have imitated their example, and come to him saying "Are you +mad? Do you think it is possible? No man ever had in the depths of his +imagination a hundred such tales. Change the hyperbolic title of your +budget. You will never finish it." These people are neither +misanthropes nor cannibals; whether they are ruffians I know not; but +for certain they are kind, good-natured friends; friends who have the +courage to tell you disagreeable things all your life along, who are +rough and sharp as currycombs, under the pretence that they are yours +to command, in all the mishaps of life, and in the hour of extreme +unction, all their worth will be known. If such people would only keep +these sad kindnesses; but they will not. When their terrors are proved +to have been idle, they exclaimed triumphantly, "Ha! ha! I knew it. I +always said so." + +In order not to discourage fine sentiments, intolerable though they +be, the Author leaves to his friends his old shoes, and in order to +make their minds easy, assures them that he has, legally protected and +exempt from seizure, seventy droll stories, in that reservoir of +nature, his brain. By the gods! they are precious yarns, well rigged +out with phrases, carefully furnished with catastrophes, amply clothed +with original humour, rich in diurnal and nocturnal effects, nor +lacking that plot which the human race has woven each minute, each +hour, each week, month, and year of the great ecclesiastical +computation, commenced at a time when the sun could scarcely see, and +the moon waited to be shown her way. These seventy subjects, which he +gives you leave to call bad subjects, full of tricks and impudence, +lust, lies, jokes, jests, and ribaldry, joined to the two portions +here given, are, by the prophet! a small instalment on the aforesaid +hundred. + +Were it not a bad time for a bibliopolists, bibliomaniacs, +bibliographers, and bibliotheques which hinder bibliolatry, he would +have given them in a bumper, and not drop by drop as if he were +afflicted with dysury of the brain. He cannot possibly be suspected of +this infirmity, since he often gives good weight, putting several +stories into one, as is clearly demonstrated by several in this +volume. You may rely on it, that he has chosen for the finish, the +best and most ribald of the lot, in order that he may not be accused +of a senile discourse. Put then more likes with your dislikes, and +dislikes with your likes. Forgetting the niggardly behaviour of nature +to story-tellers, of whom there are not more than seven perfect in the +great ocean of human writers, others, although friendly, have been of +opinion that, at a time when everyone went about dressed in black, as +if in mourning for something, it was necessary to concoct works either +wearisomely serious or seriously wearisome; that a writer could only +live henceforward by enshrining his ideas in some vast edifice, and +that those who were unable to construct cathedrals and castles of +which neither stone nor cement could be moved, would die unknown, like +the Pope's slippers. The friends were requested to declare which they +liked best, a pint of good wine, or a tun of cheap rubbish; a diamond +of twenty-two carats, or a flintstone weighing a hundred pounds; the +ring of Hans Carvel, as told by Rabelais, or a modern narrative +pitifully expectorated by a schoolboy. Seeing them dumbfounded and +abashed, it was calmly said to them, "Do you thoroughly understand, +good people? Then go your ways and mind your own businesses." + +The following, however, must be added, for the benefit of all of whom +it may concern:--The good man to whom we owe fables and stories of +sempiternal authority only used his tool on them, having taken his +material from others; but the workmanship expended on these little +figures has given them a high value; and although he was, like M. +Louis Ariosto, vituperated for thinking of idle pranks and trifles, +there is a certain insect engraved by him which has since become a +monument of perennity more assured than that of the most solidly built +works. In the especial jurisprudence of wit and wisdom the custom is +to steal more dearly a leaf wrested from the book of Nature and Truth, +than all the indifferent volumes from which, however fine they be, it +is impossible to extract either a laugh or a tear. The author has +licence to say this without any impropriety, since it is not his +intention to stand upon tiptoe in order to obtain an unnatural height, +but because it is a question of the majesty of his art, and not of +himself--a poor clerk of the court, whose business it is to have ink +in his pen, to listen to the gentleman on the bench, and take down the +sayings of each witness in this case. He is responsible for +workmanship, Nature for the rest, since from the Venus of Phidias the +Athenian, down to the little old fellow, Godenot, commonly called the +Sieur Breloque, a character carefully elaborated by one of the most +celebrated authors of the present day, everything is studied from the +eternal model of human imitations which belongs to all. At this honest +business, happy are the robbers that they are not hanged, but esteemed +and beloved. But he is a triple fool, a fool with ten horns on his +head, who struts, boasts, and is puffed up at an advantage due to the +hazard of dispositions, because glory lies only in the cultivation of +the faculties, in patience and courage. + +As for the soft-voiced and pretty-mouthed ones, who have whispered +delicately in the author's ear, complaining to him that they have +disarranged their tresses and spoiled their petticoats in certain +places, he would say to them, "Why did you go there?" To these remarks +he is compelled, through the notable slanders of certain people, to +add a notice to the well-disposed, in order that they may use it, and +end the calumnies of the aforesaid scribblers concerning him. + +These droll tales are written--according to all authorities--at that +period when Queen Catherine, of the house of Medici, was hard at work; +for, during a great portion of the reign, she was always interfering +with public affairs to the advantage of our holy religion. The which +time has seized many people by the throat, from our defunct Master +Francis, first of that name, to the Assembly at Blois, where fell M. +de Guise. Now, even schoolboys who play at chuck-farthing, know that +at this period of insurrection, pacifications and disturbances, the +language of France was a little disturbed also, on account of the +inventions of the poets, who at that time, as at this, used each to +make a language for himself, besides the strange Greek, Latin, +Italian, German, and Swiss words, foreign phrases, and Spanish jargon, +introduced by foreigners, so that a poor writer has plenty of elbow +room in this Babelish language, which has since been taken in hand by +Messieurs de Balzac, Blaise Pascal, Furetiere, Menage, St. Evremonde, +de Malherbe, and others, who first cleaned out the French language, +sent foreign words to the rightabout, and gave the right of +citizenship to legitimate words used and known by everyone, but of +which the Sieur Ronsard was ashamed. + +Having finished, the author returns to his lady-love, wishing every +happiness to those by whom he is beloved; to the others misfortune +according to their deserts. When the swallows fly homeward, he will +come again, not without the third and fourth volume, which he here +promises to the Pantagruelists, merry knaves, and honest wags of all +degrees, who have a wholesome horror of the sadness, sombre meditation +and melancholy of literary croakers. + + + + THE THREE CLERKS OF ST. NICHOLAS + +The _Inn of the Three Barbels_ was formerly at Tours, the best place +in the town for sumptuous fare; and the landlord, reputed the best of +cooks, went to prepare wedding breakfasts as far as Chatelherault, +Loches, Vendome, and Blois. This said man, an old fox, perfect in his +business, never lighted lamps in the day time, knew how to skin a +flint, charged for wool, leather, and feathers, had an eye to +everything, did not easily let anyone pay with chaff instead of coin, +and for a penny less than his account would have affronted even a +prince. For the rest, he was a good banterer, drinking and laughing +with his regular customers, hat in hand always before the persons +furnished with plenary indulgences entitled _Sit nomen Domini +benedictum_, running them into expense, and proving to them, if need +were, by sound argument, that wines were dear, and that whatever they +might think, nothing was given away in Touraine, everything had to be +bought, and, at the same time, paid for. In short, if he could without +disgrace have done so, he would have reckoned so much for the good +air, and so much for the view of the country. Thus he built up a tidy +fortune with other people's money, became as round as a butt, larded +with fat, and was called Monsieur. At the time of the last fair three +young fellows, who were apprentices in knavery, in whom there was more +of the material that makes thieves than saints, and who knew just how +far it was possible to go without catching their necks in the branches +of trees, made up their minds to amuse themselves, and live well, +condemning certain hawkers or others in all the expenses. Now these +limbs of Satan gave the slip to their masters, under whom they had +been studying the art of parchment scrawling, and came to stay at the +hotel of the Three Barbels, where they demanded the best rooms, turned +the place inside out, turned up their noses at everything, bespoke all +the lampreys in the market, and announced themselves as first-class +merchants, who never carried their goods with them, and travelled only +with their persons. The host bustled about, turned the spits, and +prepared a glorious repast, for these three dodgers, who had already +made noise enough for a hundred crowns, and who most certainly would +not even have given up the copper coins which one of them was jingling +in his pocket. But if they were hard up for money they did not want +for ingenuity, and all three arranged to play their parts like thieves +at a fair. Theirs was a farce in which there was plenty of eating and +drinking, since for five days they so heartily attacked every kind of +provision that a party of German soldiers would have spoiled less than +they obtained by fraud. These three cunning fellows made their way to +the fair after breakfast, well primed, gorged, and big in the belly, +and did as they liked with the greenhorns and others, robbing, +filching, playing, and losing, taking down the writings and signs and +changing them, putting that of the toyman over the jeweller's, and +that of the jeweller's outside the shoe maker's, turning the shops +inside out, making the dogs fight, cutting the ropes of tethered +horses, throwing cats among the crowd, crying, "Stop thief!" And +saying to every one they met, "Are you not Monsieur D'Enterfesse of +Angiers?" Then they hustled everyone, making holes in the sacks of +flour, looking for their handkerchiefs in ladies' pockets, raising +their skirts, crying, looking for a lost jewel and saying to them-- + +"Ladies, it has fallen into a hole!" + +They directed the little children wrongly, slapped the stomachs of +those who were gaping in the air, and prowled about, fleecing and +annoying every one. In short, the devil would have been a gentleman in +comparison with these blackguard students, who would have been hanged +rather than do an honest action; as well have expected charity from +two angry litigants. They left the fair, not fatigued, but tired of +ill-doing, and spent the remainder of their time over dinner until the +evening when they recommenced their pranks by torchlight. After the +peddlers, they commenced operations on the ladies of the town, to +whom, by a thousand dodges, they gave only that which they received, +according to the axiom of Justinian: _Cuiqum jus tribuere_. "To every +one his own juice;" and afterwards jokingly said to the poor wenches-- + +"We are in the right and you are in the wrong." + +At last, at supper-time, having nothing else to do, they began to +knock each other about, and to keep the game alive, complained of the +flies to the landlord, remonstrating with him that elsewhere the +innkeepers had them caught in order that gentleman of position might +not be annoyed by them. However, towards the fifth day, which is the +critical day of fevers, the host not having seen, although he kept his +eyes wide open, the royal surface of a crown, and knowing that if all +that glittered were gold it would be cheaper, began to knit his brows +and go more slowly about that which his high-class merchants required +of him. Fearing that he had made a bad bargain with them, he tried to +sound the depth of their pockets; perceiving which the three clerks +ordered him with the assurance of a Provost hanging his man, to serve +them quickly with a good supper as they had to depart immediately. +Their merry countenances dismissed the host's suspicions. Thinking +that rogues without money would certainly look grave, he prepared a +supper worthy of a canon, wishing even to see them drunk, in order the +more easily to clap them in jail in the event of an accident. Not +knowing how to make their escape from the room, in which they were +about as much at their ease as are fish upon straw, the three +companions ate and drank immoderately, looking at the situation of the +windows, waiting the moment to decamp, but not getting the +opportunity. Cursing their luck, one of them wished to go and undo his +waistcoat, on account of a colic, the other to fetch a doctor to the +third, who did his best to faint. The cursed landlord kept dodging +about from the kitchen into the room, and from the room into the +kitchen, watching the nameless ones, and going a step forward to save +his crowns, and going a step back to save his crown, in case they +should be real gentlemen; and he acted like a brave and prudent host +who likes halfpence and objects to kicks; but under pretence of +properly attending to them, he always had an ear in the room, and a +foot in the court; fancied he was always being called by them, came +every time they laughed, showing them a face with an unsettled look +upon it, and always said, "Gentlemen, what is your pleasure?" This was +an interrogatory in reply to which they would willingly have given him +ten inches of his own spit in his stomach, because he appeared as if +he knew very well what would please them at this juncture, seeing that +to have twenty crowns, full weight, they would each of them have sold +a third of his eternity. You can imagine they sat on their seats as if +they were gridirons, that their feet itched and their posteriors were +rather warm. Already the host had put the pears, the cheese, and the +preserves near their noses, but they, sipping their liquor, and +picking at the dishes, looked at each other to see if either of them +had found a good piece of roguery in his sack, and they all began to +enjoy themselves rather woefully. The most cunning of the three +clerks, who was a Burgundian, smiled and said, seeing the hour of +payment arrived, "This must stand over for a week," as if they had +been at the Palais de Justice. The two others, in spite of the danger, +began to laugh. + +"What do we owe?" asked he who had in his belt the heretofore +mentioned twelve sols and he turned them about as though he would make +them breed little ones by this excited movement. He was a native of +Picardy, and very passionate; a man to take offence at anything in +order that he might throw the landlord out the window in all security +of conscience. Now he said these words with the air of a man of +immense wealth. + +"Six crowns, gentlemen," replied the host, holding out his hand. + +"I cannot permit myself to be entertained by you alone, Viscount," +said the third student, who was from Anjou, and as artful as a woman +in love. + +"Neither can I," said the Burgundian. + +"Gentlemen! Gentlemen!" replied the Picardian "you are jesting. I am +yours to command." + +"Sambreguoy!" cried he of Anjou. "You will not let us pay three times; +our host would not suffer it." + +"Well then," said the Burgundian, "whichever of us shall tell the +worst tale shall justify the landlord." + +"Who will be the judge?" asked the Picardian, dropping his twelve sols +to the bottom of his pocket. + +"Pardieu! our host. He should be capable, seeing that he is a man of +taste," said he of Anjou. "Come along, great chef, sit you down, +drink, and lend us both your ears. The audience is open." + +Thereupon the host sat down, but not until he had poured out a +gobletful of wine. + +"My turn first," said the Anjou man. "I commence." + +"In our Duchy of Anjou, the country people are very faithful servants +to our Holy of Catholic religion, and none of them will lose his +portion of paradise for lack of doing penance or killing a heretic. If +a professor of heresy passed that way, he quickly found himself under +the grass, without knowing whence his death had proceeded. A good man +of Larze, returning one night from his evening prayer to the wine +flasks of Pomme-de-Pin, where he had left his understanding and +memory, fell into a ditch full of water near his house, and found he +was up to his neck. One of the neighbours finding him shortly +afterwards nearly frozen, for it was winter time, said jokingly to +him-- + +"'Hulloa! What are you waiting for there?' + +"'A thaw', said the tipsy fellow, finding himself held by the ice. + +"Then Godenot, like a good Christian, released him from his dilemma, +and opened the door of the house to him, out of respect to the wine, +which is lord of this country. The good man then went and got into the +bed of the maid-servant, who was a young and pretty wench. The old +bungler, bemuddled with wine, went ploughing in the wrong land, +fancying all the time it was his wife by his side, and thanking her +for the youth and freshness she still retained. On hearing her +husband, the wife began to cry out, and by her terrible shrieks the +man was awakened to the fact that he was not in the road to salvation, +which made the poor labourer sorrowful beyond expression. + +"'Ah! said he; 'God has punished me for not going to vespers at +Church.' + +"And he began to excuse himself as best he could, saying, that the +wine had muddled his understanding, and getting into his own bed he +kept repeating to his good wife, that for his best cow he would not +have had this sin upon his conscience. + +"'My dear', said she, 'go and confess the first thing tomorrow +morning, and let us say no more about it.' + +"The good man trotted to confessional, and related his case with all +humility to the rector of the parish, who was a good old priest, +capable of being up above, the slipper of the holy foot. + +"'An error is not a sin,' said he to the penitent. 'You will fast +tomorrow, and be absolved.' + +"'Fast!--with pleasure,' said the good man. 'That does not mean go +without drink.' + +"'Oh!' replied the rector, 'you must drink water, and eat nothing but +a quarter of a loaf and an apple.' + +"Then the good man, who had no confidence in his memory, went home, +repeating to himself the penance ordered. But having loyally commenced +with a quarter of a loaf and an apple, he arrived at home, saying, a +quarter of apples, and a loaf. + +"Then, to purify his soul, he set about accomplishing his fast, and +his good woman having given him a loaf from the safe, and unhooked a +string of apples from the beam, he set sorrowfully to work. As he +heaved a sigh on taking the last mouthful of bread hardly knowing +where to put it, for he was full to the chin, his wife remonstrated +with him, that God did not desire the death of a sinner, and that for +lack of putting a crust of bread in his belly, he would not be +reproached for having put things in their wrong places. + +"'Hold your tongue, wife!' said he. 'If it chokes me, I must fast.'" + +"I've payed my share, it's your turn, Viscount," added he of Anjou, +giving the Picardian a knowing wink. + +"The goblets are empty. Hi, there! More wine." + +"Let us drink," cried the Picardian. "Moist stories slip out easier." + +At the same time he tossed off a glassful without leaving a drop at +the bottom, and after a preliminary little cough, he related the +following:-- + +"You must know that the maids of Picardy, before setting up +housekeeping, are accustomed honestly to gain their linen, vessels, +and chests; in short, all the needed household utensils. To accomplish +this, they go into service in Peronne, Abbeville, Amiens, and other +towns, where they are tire-women, wash up glasses, clean plates, fold +linen, and carry up the dinner, or anything that there is to be +carried. They are all married as soon as they possess something else +besides that which they naturally bring to their husbands. These women +are the best housewives, because they understand the business and +everything else thoroughly. One belonging to Azonville, which is the +land of which I am lord by inheritance, having heard speak of Paris, +where the people did not put themselves out of the way for anyone, and +where one could subsist for a whole day by passing the cook's shops, +and smelling the steam, so fattening was it, took it into her head to +go there. She trudged bravely along the road, and arrived with a +pocket full of emptiness. There she fell in, at the Porte St. Denise, +with a company of soldiers, placed there for a time as a vidette, for +the Protestants had assumed a dangerous attitude. The sergeant seeing +this hooded linnet coming, stuck his headpiece on one side, +straightened his feather, twisted his moustache, cleared his throat, +rolled his eyes, put his hand on his hips, and stopped the Picardian +to see if her ears were properly pierced, since it was forbidden to +girls to enter otherwise into Paris. Then he asked her, by way of a +joke, but with a serious face, what brought her there, he pretending +to believe she had come to take the keys of Paris by assault. To which +the poor innocent replied, that she was in search of a good situation, +and had no evil intentions, only desiring to gain something. + +"'Very well; I will employ you,' said the wag. 'I am from Picardy, and +will get you taken in here, where you will be treated as a queen would +often like to be, and you will be able to make a good thing of it.' + +"Then he led her to the guard-house, where he told her to sweep the +floor, polish the saucepans, stir the fire, and keep a watch on +everything, adding that she should have thirty sols a head from the +men if their service pleased her. Now seeing that the squad was there +for a month, she would be able to gain ten crowns, and at their +departure would find fresh arrivals who would make good arrangements +with her, and by this means she would be able to take back money and +presents to her people. The girl cleaned the room and prepared the +meals so well, singing and humming, that this day the soldiers found +in their den the look of a monk's refectory. Then all being well +content, each of them gave a sol to their handmaiden. Well satisfied, +they put her into the bed of their commandant, who was in town with +his lady, and they petted and caressed her after the manner of +philosophical soldiers, that is, soldiers partial to that which is +good. She was soon comfortably ensconced between the sheets. But to +avoid quarrels and strife, my noble warriors drew lots for their turn, +arranged themselves in single file, playing well at Pique hardie, +saying not a word, but each one taking at least twenty-six sols worth +of the girl's society. Although not accustomed to work for so many, +the poor girl did her best, and by this means never closed her eyes +the whole night. In the morning, seeing the soldiers were fast asleep, +she rose happy at bearing no marks of the sharp skirmish, and although +slightly fatigued, managed to get across the fields into the open +country with her thirty sols. On the route to Picardy, she met one of +her friends, who, like herself, wished to try service in Paris, and +was hurrying thither, and seeing her, asked her what sort of places +they were. + +"'Ah! Perrine; do not go. You want to be made of iron, and even if you +were it would soon be worn away,' was the answer. + +"Now, big-belly of Burgundy," said he, giving his neighbour a hearty +slap, "spit out your story or pay!" + +"By the queen of Antlers!" replied the Burgundian, "by my faith, by +the saints, by God! and by the devil, I know only stories of the Court +of Burgundy, which are only current coin in our own land." + +"Eh, ventre Dieu! are we not in the land of Beauffremont?" cried the +other, pointing to the empty goblets. + +"I will tell you, then, an adventure well known at Dijon, which +happened at the time I was in command there, and was worth being +written down. There was a sergeant of justice named Franc-Taupin, who +was an old lump of mischief, always grumbling, always fighting; stiff +and starchy, and never comforting those he was leading to the hulks, +with little jokes by the way; and in short, he was just the man to +find lice in bald heads, and bad behaviour in the Almighty. This said +Taupin, spurned by every one, took unto himself a wife, and by chance +he was blessed with one as mild as the peel of an onion, who, noticing +the peculiar humour of her husband, took more pains to bring joy to +his house than would another to bestow horns upon him. But although +she was careful to obey him in all things, and to live at peace would +have tried to excrete gold for him, had God permitted it, this man was +always surly and crabbed, and no more spared his wife blows, than does +a debtor promises to the bailiff's man. This unpleasant treatment +continuing in spite of the carefulness and angelic behaviour of the +poor woman, she being unable to accustom herself to it, was compelled +to inform her relations, who thereupon came to the house. When they +arrived, the husband declared to them that his wife was an idiot, that +she displeased him in every possible way, and made his life almost +unbearable; that she would wake him out of his first sleep, never came +to the door when he knocked, but would leave him out in the rain and +the cold, and that the house was always untidy. His garments were +buttonless, his laces wanted tags. The linen was spoiling, the wine +turning sour, the wood damp, and the bed was always creaking at +unreasonable moments. In short, everything was going wrong. To this +tissue of falsehoods, the wife replied by pointing to the clothes and +things, all in a state of thorough repair. Then the sergeant said that +he was very badly treated, that his dinner was never ready for him, or +if it was, the broth was thin or the soup cold, either the wine or the +glasses were forgotten, the meat was without gravy or parsley, the +mustard had turned, he either found hairs in the dish or the cloth was +dirty and took away his appetite, indeed nothing did she ever get for +him that was to his liking. The wife, astonished, contented herself +with stoutly denying the fault imputed to her. 'Ah,' said he, 'you +dirty hussy! You deny it, do you! Very well then, my friends, you come +and dine here to-day, you shall be witnesses of her misconduct. And if +she can for once serve me properly, I will confess myself wrong in all +I have stated, and will never lift my hand against her again, but will +resign to her my halberd and my breeches, and give her full authority +here.' + +"'Oh, well,' said she, joyfully, 'I shall then henceforth be both wife +and mistress!' + +"Then the husband, confident of the nature and imperfections of his +wife, desired that the dinner should be served under the vine arbor, +thinking that he would be able to shout at her if she did not hurry +quickly enough from the table to the pantry. The good housewife set to +work with a will. The plates were clean enough to see one's face in, +the mustard was fresh and well made, the dinner beautifully cooked, as +appetising as stolen fruit; the glasses were clear, the wine was cool, +and everything so nice, so clean and white, that the repast would have +done honour to a bishop's chatterbox. Just as she was standing before +the table, casting that last glance which all good housewives like to +give everything, her husband knocked at the door. At that very moment +a cursed hen, who had taken it into her head to get on top of the +arbor to gorge herself with grapes, let fall a large lump of dirt +right in the middle of the cloth. The poor woman was half dead with +fright; so great was her despair, she could think of no other way of +remedying the thoughtlessness of the fowl then by covering the +unseemly patch with a plate in which she put the fine fruits taken at +random from her pocket, losing sight altogether of the symmetry of the +table. Then, in order that no one should notice it, she instantly +fetched the soup, seated every one in his place, and begged them to +enjoy themselves. + +"Now, all of them seeing everything so well arranged, uttered +exclamations of pleasure, except the diabolical husband, who remained +moody and sullen, knitting his brows and looking for a straw on which +to hang a quarrel with his wife. Thinking it safe to give him one for +himself, her relations being present, she said to him, 'Here's your +dinner, nice and hot, well served, the cloth is clean, the +salt-cellars full, the plates clean, the wine fresh, the bread well +baked. What is there lacking? What do you require? What do you desire? +What else do you want?' + +"'Oh, filth!' said he, in a great rage. + +"The good woman instantly lifted the plate, and replied-- + +"'There you are, my dear!' + +"Seeing which, the husband was dumbfounded, thinking that the devil +was in league with his wife. He was immediately gravely reproached by +the relations, who declared him to be in the wrong, abused him, and +made more jokes at his expense than a recorder writes words in a +month. From that time forward the sergeant lived comfortably and +peaceably with his wife, who at the least appearance of temper on his +part, would say to him-- + +"'Do you want some filth?'" + +"Who has told the worst now?" cried the Anjou man, giving the host a +tap on the shoulder. + +"He has! He has!" said the two others. Then they began to dispute +among themselves, like the holy fathers in council; seeking, by +creating a confusion, throwing the glasses at each other, and jumping +about, a lucky chance, to make a run of it. + +"I'll settle the question," cried the host, seeing that whereas they +had all three been ready with their own accounts, not one of them was +thinking of his. + +They stopped terrified. + +"I will tell you a better one than all, then you will have to give ten +sols a head." + +"Silence for the landlord," said the one from Anjou. + +"In our fauborg of Notre-dame la Riche, in which this inn is situated, +there lived a beautiful girl, who besides her natural advantages, had +a good round sum in her keeping. Therefore, as soon as she was old +enough, and strong enough to bear the matrimonial yoke, she had as +many lovers as there are sols in St. Gatien's money-box on the +Paschal-day. The girl chose one who, saving your presence, was as good +a worker, night and day, as any two monks together. They were soon +betrothed, and the marriage was arranged; but the joy of the first +night did not draw nearer without occasioning some slight +apprehensions to the lady, as she was liable, through an infirmity, to +expel vapours, which came out like bombshells. Now, fearing that when +thinking of something else, during the first night, she might give the +reins to her eccentricities, she stated the case to her mother, whose +assistance she invoked. That good lady informed her that this faculty +of engineering wind was inherent in the family; that in her time she +had been greatly embarrassed by it, but only in the earlier period of +her life. God had been kind to her, and since the age of seven, she +had evaporated nothing except on the last occasion when she had +bestowed upon her dead husband a farewell blow. 'But,' said she to her +daughter, 'I have ever a sure specific, left to me by my mother, which +brings these surplus explosions to nothing, and exhales them +noiselessly. By this means these sighs become odourless, and scandal +is avoided.' + +"The girl, much pleased, learned how to sail close to the wind, +thanked her mother, and danced away merrily, storing up her flatulence +like an organ-blower waiting for the first note of mass. Entering the +nuptial chamber, she determined to expel it when getting into bed, but +the fantastic element was beyond control. The husband came; I leave +you to imagine how love's conflict sped. In the middle of the night, +the bride arose under a false pretext, and quickly returned again; but +when climbing into her place, the pent up force went off with such a +loud discharge, that you would have thought with me that the curtains +were split. + +"'Ha! I've missed my aim!' said she. + +"''Sdeath, my dear!' I replied, 'then spare your powder. You would +earn a good living in the army with that artillery.' + +"It was my wife." + +"Ha! ha! ha!" went the clerks. + +And they roared with laughter, holding their sides and complimenting +their host. + +"Did you ever hear a better story, Viscount?" + +"Ah, what a story!" + +"That is a story!" + +"A master story!" + +"The king of stories!" + +"Ha, ha! It beats all the other stories hollow. After that I say there +are no stories like the stories of our host." + +"By the faith of a Christian, I never heard a better story in my +life." + +"Why, I can hear the report." + +"I should like to kiss the orchestra." + +"Ah! gentlemen," said the Burgundian, gravely, "we cannot leave +without seeing the hostess, and if we do not ask to kiss this famous +wind-instrument, it is a out of respect for so good a story-teller." + +Thereupon they all exalted the host, his story, and his wife's trumpet +so well that the old fellow, believing in these knaves' laughter and +pompous eulogies, called to his wife. But as she did not come, the +clerks said, not without frustrative intention, "Let us go to her." + +Thereupon they all went out of the room. The host took the candle and +went upstairs first, to light them and show them the way; but seeing +the street door ajar, the rascals took to their heels, and were off +like shadows, leaving the host to take in settlement of his account +another of his wife's offerings. + + + + THE CONTINENCE OF KING FRANCIS THE FIRST + +Every one knows through what adventure King Francis, the first of that +name, was taken like a silly bird and led into the town of Madrid, in +Spain. There the Emperor Charles V. kept him carefully locked up, like +an article of great value, in one of his castles, in the which our +defunct sire, of immortal memory, soon became listless and weary, +seeing that he loved the open air, and his little comforts, and no +more understood being shut up in a cage than a cat would folding up +lace. He fell into moods of such strange melancholy that his letters +having been read in full council, Madame d'Angouleme, his mother; +Madame Catherine, the Dauphine, Monsieur de Montmorency, and those who +were at the head of affairs in France knowing the great lechery of the +king, determined after mature deliberation, to send Queen Marguerite +to him, from whom he would doubtless receive alleviation of his +sufferings, that good lady being much loved by him, and merry, and +learned in all necessary wisdom. But she, alleging that it would be +dangerous for her soul, because it was impossible for her, without +great danger to be alone with the king in his cell, a sharp secretary, +the Sieur de Fizes, was sent to the Court of Rome, with orders to beg +of the pontiff a papal brief of special indulgences, containing proper +absolutions for the petty sins which, looking at their consanguinity, +the said queen might commit with a view to cure the king's melancholy. + +At this time, Adrian VI., the Dutchman, still wore the tiara, who, a +good fellow, for the rest did not forget, in spite of the scholastic +ties which united him to the emperor, that the eldest son of the +Catholic Church was concerned in the affair, and was good enough to +send to Spain an express legate, furnished with full powers, to +attempt the salvation of the queen's soul, and the king's body, +without prejudice to God. This most urgent affair made the gentleman +very uneasy, and caused an itching in the feet of the ladies, who, +from great devotion to the crown, would all have offered to go to +Madrid, but for the dark mistrust of Charles the Fifth, who would not +grant the king's permission to any of his subjects, nor even the +members of his family. It was therefore necessary to negotiate the +departure of the Queen of Navarre. Then, nothing else was spoken about +but this deplorable abstinence, and the lack of amorous exercise so +vexatious to a prince, who was much accustomed to it. In short, from +one thing to another, the women finished by thinking more of the +king's condition, than of the king himself. The queen was the first to +say that she wished she had wings. To this Monseigneur Odet de +Chatillon replied, that she had no need of them to be an angel. One +that was Madame l'Amirale, blamed God that it was not possible to send +by a messenger that which the poor king so much required; and every +one of the ladies would have lent it in her turn. + +"God has done very well to fix it," said the Dauphine, quietly; "for +our husbands would leave us rather badly off during their absence." + +So much was said and so much thought upon the subject, that at her +departure the Queen of all Marguerites was charged, by these good +Christians, to kiss the captive heartily for all the ladies of the +realm; and if it had been permissible to prepare pleasure like +mustard, the queen would have been laden with enough to sell to the +two Castiles. + +While Madame Marguerite was, in spite of the snow, crossing the +mountains, by relays of mule, hurrying on to these consolations as to +a fire, the king found himself harder pressed by unsatisfied desire +than he had ever been before, or would be again. In this reverberation +of nature, he opened his heart to the Emperor Charles, in order that +he might be provided with a merciful specific, urging upon him that it +would be an everlasting disgrace to one king to let another die for +lack of gallantry. The Castilian showed himself to be a generous man. +Thinking that he would be able to recuperate himself for the favour +granted out of his guest's ransom, he hinted quietly to the people +commissioned to guard the prisoner, that they might gratify him in +this respect. Thereupon a certain Don Hiios de Lara y Lopez Barra di +Pinto, a poor captain, whose pockets were empty in spite of his +genealogy, and who had been for some time thinking of seeking his +fortune at the Court of France, fancied that by procuring his majesty +a soft cataplasm of warm flesh, he would open for himself an honestly +fertile door; and indeed, those who know the character of the good +king and his court, can decide if he deceived himself. + +When the above mentioned captain came in his turn into the chamber of +the French king, he asked him respectfully if it was his good pleasure +to permit him an interrogation on a subject concerning which he was as +curious as about papal indulgences? To which the Prince, casting aside +his hypochondriacal demeanour, and twisting round on the chair in +which he was seated, gave a sign of consent. The captain begged him +not to be offended at the licence of his language, and confessed to +him, that he the king was said to be one of the most amorous men in +France, and he would be glad to learn from him if the ladies of the +court were expert in the adventures of love. The poor king, calling to +mind his many adventures, gave vent to a deep-drawn sigh, and +exclaimed, that no woman of any country, including those of the moon, +knew better than the ladies of France the secrets of this alchemy and +at the remembrance of the savoury, gracious, and vigorous fondling of +one alone, he felt himself the man, were she then within his reach, to +clasp her to his heart, even on a rotten plank a hundred feet above a +precipice. + +Say which, this good king, a ribald fellow, if ever there was one, +shot forth so fiercely life and light from his eyes, that the captain, +though a brave man, felt a quaking in his inside so fiercely flamed +the sacred majesty of royal love. But recovering his courage he began +to defend the Spanish ladies, declaring that in Castile alone was love +properly understood, because it was the most religious place in +Christendom, and the more fear the women had of damning themselves by +yielding to a lover, the more their souls were in the affair, because +they knew they must take their pleasure then against eternity. He +further added, that if the Lord King would wager one of the best and +most profitable manors in the kingdom of France, he would give him a +Spanish night of love, in which a casual queen should, unless he took +care, draw his soul from his body. + +"Done," said the king, jumping from his chair. "I'll give thee, by +God, the manor of Ville-aux-Dames in my province of Touraine, with +full privilege of chase, of high and low jurisdiction." + +Then, the captain, who was acquainted with the Donna of the Cardinal +Archbishop of Toledo requested her to smother the King of France with +kindness, and demonstrate to him the great advantage of the Castilian +imagination over the simple movement of the French. To which the +Marchesa of Amaesguy consented for the honour of Spain, and also for +the pleasure of knowing of what paste God made Kings, a matter in +which she was ignorant, having experience only of the princes of the +Church. Then she became passionate as a lion that has broken out of +his cage, and made the bones of the king crack in a manner that would +have killed any other man. But the above-named lord was so well +furnished, so greedy, and so will bitten, he no longer felt a bite; +and from this terrible duel the Marchesa emerged abashed, believing +she had the devil to confess. + +The captain, confident in his agent, came to salute his lord, thinking +to do honour for his fief. Thereupon the king said to him, in a +jocular manner, that the Spanish ladies were of a passable +temperature, and their system a fair one, but that when gentleness was +required they substituted frenzy; that he kept fancying each thrill +was a sneeze, or a case of violence; in short, that the embrace of a +French woman brought back the drinker more thirsty than ever, tiring +him never; and that with the ladies of his court, love was a gentle +pleasure without parallel, and not the labour of a master baker in his +kneading trough. + +The poor captain was strongly piqued at his language. In spite of the +nice sense of honour which the king pretended to possess, he fancied +that his majesty wished to bilk him like a student, stealing a slice +of love at a brothel in Paris. Nevertheless, not knowing for the +matter of that, if the Marchesa had not over-spanished the king, he +demanded his revenge from the captive, pledging him his word, that he +should have for certain a veritable fay, and that he would yet gain +the fief. The king was too courteous and gallant a knight to refuse +this request, and even made a pretty and right royal speech, +intimating his desire to lose the wager. Then, after vespers, the +guard passed fresh and warm into the king's chamber, a lady most +dazzlingly white--most delicately wanton, with long tresses and velvet +hands, filling out her dress at the least movement, for she was +gracefully plump, with a laughing mouth, and eyes moist in advance, a +woman to beautify hell, and whose first word had such cordial power +that the king's garment was cracked by it. On the morrow, after the +fair one had slipped out after the king's breakfast, the good captain +came radiant and triumphant into the chamber. + +At sight of him the prisoner then exclaimed-- + +"Baron de la Ville-aux-Dames! God grant you joys like to mine! I like +my jail! By'r lady, I will not judge between the love of our lands, +but pay the wager." + +"I was sure of it," said the captain. + +"How so?" said the King. + +"Sire, it was my wife." + +This was the origin of Larray de la Ville-aux-Dames in our country, +since from corruption of the names, that of Lara-y-Lopez, finished by +becoming Larray. It was a good family, delighting in serving the kings +of France, and it multiplied exceedingly. Soon after, the Queen of +Navarre came in due course to the king, who, weary of Spanish customs, +wished to disport himself after the fashion of France; but remainder +is not the subject of this narrative. I reserve to myself the right to +relate elsewhere how the legate managed to sponge the sin of the thing +off the great slate, and the delicate remark of our Queen of +Marguerites, who merits a saint's niche in this collection; she who +first concocted such good stories. The morality of this one is easy to +understand. + +In the first place, kings should never let themselves be taken in +battle any more than their archetype in the game of the Grecian chief +Palamedes. But from this, it appears the captivity of its king is a +most calamitous and horrible evil to fall on the populace. If it had +been a queen, or even a princess, what worse fate? But I believe the +thing could not happen again, except with cannibals. Can there ever be +a reason for imprisoning the flower of a realm? I think too well of +Ashtaroth, Lucifer, and others, to imagine that did they reign, they +would hide the joy of all the beneficent light, at which poor +sufferers warm themselves. And it was necessary that the worst of +devils, _id est_, a wicked old heretic woman, should find herself upon +a throne, to keep a prisoner sweet Mary of Scotland, to the shame of +all the knights of Christendom, who should have come without previous +assignation to the foot of Fotheringay, and have left thereof no +single stone. + + + + THE MERRY TATTLE OF THE NUNS OF POISSY + +The Abbey of Poissy has been rendered famous by old authors as a place +of pleasure, where the misconduct of the nuns first began, and whence +proceeded so many good stories calculated to make laymen laugh at the +expense of our holy religion. The said abbey by this means became +fertile in proverbs, which none of the clever folks of our day +understand, although they sift and chew them in order to digest them. + +If you ask one of them what the _olives of Poissy_ are, they will +answer you gravely that it is a periphrase relating to truffles, and +that the _way to serve them_, of which one formerly spoke, when joking +with these virtuous maidens, meant a peculiar kind of sauce. That's +the way the scribblers hit on truth once in a hundred times. To return +to these good recluses, it was said--by way of a joke, of course--that +they preferred finding a harlot in their chemises to a good woman. +Certain other jokers reproached them with imitating the lives of the +saints, in their own fashion, and said that all they admired in Mary +of Egypt was her fashion of paying the boatmen. From whence the +raillery: To honour the saints after the fashion of Poissy. There is +still the crucifix of Poissy, which kept the stomachs warm; and the +matins of Poissy, which concluded with a little chorister. Finally, of +a hearty jade well acquainted with the ways of love, it was said--She +is a nun of Poissy. That property of a man which he can only lend, was +The key of the Abbey of Poissy. What the gate of the said abbey was +can easily be guessed. This gate, door, wicket, opening, or road was +always half open, was easier to open than to shut, and cost much in +repairs. In short, at that period, there was no fresh device in love +invented, that had not its origin in the good convent of Poissy. You +may be sure there is a good deal of untruth and hyperbolical emphasis, +in these proverbs, jests, jokes, and idle tales. The nuns of the said +Poissy were good young ladies, who now this way, now that, cheated God +to the profit of the devil, as many others did, which was but natural, +because our nature is weak; and although they were nuns, they had +their little imperfections. They found themselves barren in a certain +particular, hence the evil. But the truth of the matter is, all these +wickednesses were the deeds of an abbess who had fourteen children, +all born alive, since they had been perfected at leisure. The +fantastic amours and the wild conduct of this woman, who was of royal +blood, caused the convent of Poissy to become fashionable; and +thereafter no pleasant adventure happened in the abbeys of France +which was not credited to these poor girls, who would have been well +satisfied with a tenth of them. Then the abbey was reformed, and these +holy sisters were deprived of the little happiness and liberty which +they had enjoyed. In an old cartulary of the abbey of Turpenay, near +Chinon, which in those later troublous times had found a resting place +in the library of Azay, where the custodian was only too glad to +receive it, I met with a fragment under the head of The Hours of +Poissy, which had evidently been put together by a merry abbot of +Turpenay for the diversion of his neighbours of Usee, Azay, Mongaugar, +Sacchez, and other places of this province. I give them under the +authority of the clerical garb, but altered to my own style, because I +have been compelled to turn them from Latin into French. I commence: +--At Poissy the nuns were accustomed to, when Mademoiselle, the king's +daughter, their abbess, had gone to bed..... It was she who first +called it _faire la petite oie_, to stick to the preliminaries of +love, the prologues, prefaces, protocols, warnings, notices, +introductions, summaries, prospectuses, arguments, notices, epigraphs, +titles, false-titles, current titles, scholia, marginal remarks, +frontispieces, observations, gilt edges, bookmarks, reglets, +vignettes, tail pieces, and engravings, without once opening the merry +book to read, re-read, and study to apprehend and comprehend the +contents. And she gathered together in a body all those extra-judicial +little pleasures of that sweet language, which come indeed from the +lips, yet make no noise, and practised them so well, that she died a +virgin and perfect in shape. The gay science was after deeply studied +by the ladies of the court, who took lovers for _la petite oie_, +others for honour, and at times also certain ones who had over them +the right of high and low jurisdiction, and were masters of everything +--a state of things much preferred. But to continue: When this +virtuous princess was naked and shameless between the sheets, the said +girls (those whose cheeks were unwrinkled and their hearts gay) would +steal noiselessly out of their cells, and hide themselves in that of +one of the sisters who was much liked by all of them. There they would +have cosy little chats, enlivened with sweetmeats, pasties, liqueurs, +and girlish quarrels, worry their elders, imitating them grotesquely, +innocently mocking them, telling stories that made them laugh till the +tears came and playing a thousand pranks. At times they would measure +their feet, to see whose were the smallest, compare the white +plumpness of their arms, see whose nose had the infirmity of blushing +after supper, count their freckles, tell each other where their skin +marks were situated, dispute whose complexion was the clearest, whose +hair the prettiest colour, and whose figure the best. You can imagine +that among these figures sanctified to God there were fine ones, stout +ones, lank ones, thin ones, plump ones, supple ones, shrunken ones, +and figures of all kinds. Then they would quarrel amongst themselves +as to who took the least to make a girdle, and she who spanned the +least was pleased without knowing why. At times they would relate +their dreams and what they had seen in them. Often one or two, at +times all of them, had dreamed they had tight hold of the keys of the +abbey. Then they would consult each other about their little ailments. +One had scratched her finger, another had a whitlow; this one had +risen in the morning with the white of her eye bloodshot; that one had +put her finger out, telling her beads. All had some little thing the +matter with them. + +"Ah! you have lied to our mother; your nails are marked with white," +said one to her neighbour. + +"You stopped a long time at confession this morning, sister," said +another. "You must have a good many little sins to confess." + +As there is nothing resembles a pussy-cat so much as a tom-cat, they +would swear eternal friendship, quarrel, sulk, dispute and make it up +again; would be jealous, laugh and pinch, pinch and laugh, and play +tricks upon the novices. + +At times they would say, "Suppose a gendarme came here one rainy day, +where should we put him?" + +"With Sister Ovide; her cell is so big he could get into it with his +helmet on." + +"What do you mean?" cried Sister Ovide, "are not all our cells alike?" + +Thereupon the girls burst out laughing like ripe figs. One evening +they increased their council by a little novice, about seventeen years +of age, who appeared innocent as a new-born babe, and would have had +the host without confession. This maiden's mouth had long watered for +their secret confabulations, little feasts and rejoicings by which the +nuns softened the holy captivity of their bodies, and had wept at not +being admitted to them. + +"Well," said Sister Ovide to her, "have you had a good night's rest, +little one?" + +"Oh no!" said she, "I have been bitten by fleas." + +"Ha! you have fleas in your cell? But you must get rid of them at +once. Do you know how the rules of our order enjoin them to be driven +out, so that never again during her conventional life shall a sister +see so much as the tail of one?" + +"No," replied the novice. + +"Well then, I will teach you. Do you see any fleas here? Do you notice +any trace of fleas? Do you smell an odour of fleas? Is there any +appearance of fleas in my cell? Look!" + +"I can't find any," said the little novice, who was Mademoiselle de +Fiennes, "and smell no odour other than our own." + +"Do as I am about to tell you, and be no more bitten. Directly you +feel yourself pricked, you must strip yourself, lift your chemise, and +be careful not to sin while looking all over your body; think only of +the cursed flea, looking for it, in good faith, without paying +attention to other things; trying only to catch the flea, which is a +difficult job, as you may easily be deceived by the little black spots +on your skin, which you were born with. Have you any, little one?" + +"Yes," cried she. "I have two dark freckles, one on my shoulder and +one on my back, rather low down, but it is hidden in a fold of the +flesh." + +"How did you see it?" asked Sister Perpetue. + +"I did not know it. It was Monsieur de Montresor who found it out." + +"Ha, ha!" said the sister, "is that all he saw?" + +"He saw everything," said she, "I was quite little; he was about nine +years old, and we were playing together...." + +The nuns hardly being able to restrain their laughter, Sister Ovide +went on-- + +"The above-mentioned flea will jump from your legs to your eyes, will +try and hide himself in apertures and crevices, will leap from valley +to mountain, endeavouring to escape you; but the rules of the house +order you courageously to pursue, repeating aves. Ordinarily at the +third ave the beast is taken." + +"The flea?" asked the novice. + +"Certainly the flea," replied Sister Ovide; "but in order to avoid the +dangers of this chase, you must be careful in whatever spot you put +your finger on the beast, to touch nothing else.... Then without +regarding its cries, plaints, groans, efforts, and writhings, and the +rebellion which frequently it attempts, you will press it under your +thumb or other finger of the hand engaged in holding it, and with the +other hand you will search for a veil to bind the flea's eyes and +prevent it from leaping, as the beast seeing no longer clearly will +not know where to go. Nevertheless, as it will still be able to bite +you, and will be getting terribly enraged, you must gently open its +mouth and delicately insert therein a twig of the blessed brush that +hangs over your pillow. Thus the beast will be compelled to behave +properly. But remember that the discipline of our order allows you to +retain no property, and the beast cannot belong to you. You must take +into consideration that it is one of God's creatures, and strive to +render it more agreeable. Therefore, before all things, it is +necessary to verify three serious things--viz.: If the flea be a male, +if it be female, or if it be a virgin; supposing it to be a virgin, +which is extremely rare, since these beasts have no morals, are all +wild hussies, and yield to the first seducer who comes, you will seize +her hinder feet, and drawing them under her little caparison, you must +bind them with one of your hairs, and carry it to your superior, who +will decide upon its fate after having consulted the chapter. If it be +a male--" + +"How can one tell that a flea is a virgin? asked the curious novice. + +"First of all," replied Sister Ovide, "she is sad and melancholy, does +not laugh like the others, does not bite so sharp, has her mouth less +wide open, blushes when touched--you know where." + +"In that case," replied the novice, "I have been bitten by a male." + +At this the sisters burst out laughing so heartily that one of them +sounded a bass note and voided a little water and Sister Ovide +pointing to it on the floor, said-- + +"You see there's never wind without rain." + +The novice laughed herself, thinking that these chuckles were caused +by the sister's exclamation. + +"Now," went on Sister Ovide, "if it be a male flea, you take your +scissors, or your lover's dagger, if by chance he has given you one as +a souvenir, previous to your entry into the convent. In short, +furnished with a cutting instrument, you carefully slit open the +flanks of the flea. Expect to hear him howl, cough, spit, beg your +pardon; to see him twist about, sweat, make sheep's eyes, and anything +that may come into his head to put off this operation. But be not +astonished; pluck up your courage when thinking that you are acting +thus to bring a perverted creature into the ways of salvation. Then +you will dextrously take the reins, the liver, the heart, the gizzard, +and noble parts, and dip them all several times into the holy water, +washing and purifying them there, at the same time imploring the Holy +Ghost to sanctify the interior of the beast. Afterwards you will +replace all these intestinal things in the body of the flea, who will +be anxious to get them back again. Being by this means baptised, the +soul of the creature has become Catholic. Immediately you will get a +needle and thread and sew up the belly of the flea with great care, +with such regard and attention as is due to a fellow Christian; you +will even pray for it--a kindness to which you will see it is sensible +by its genuflections and the attentive glances which it will bestow +upon you. In short, it will cry no more, and have no further desire to +kill you; and fleas are often encountered who die from pleasure at +being thus converted to our holy religion. You will do the same to all +you catch; and the others perceiving it, after staring at the convert, +will go away, so perverse are they, and so terrified at the idea of +becoming Christians." + +"And they are therefore wicked," said the novice. "Is there any +greater happiness than to be in the bosom of the Church?" + +"Certainly!" answered sister Ursula, "here we are sheltered from the +dangers of the world and of love, in which there are so many." + +"Is there any other danger than that of having a child at an +unseasonable time?" asked a young sister. + +"During the present reign," replied Ursula, raising her head, "love +has inherited leprosy, St Anthony's fire, the Ardennes' sickness, and +the red rash, and has heaped up all the fevers, agonies, drugs and +sufferings of the lot in his pretty mortar, to draw out therefrom a +terrible compound, of which the devil has given the receipt, luckily +for convents, because there are a great number of frightened ladies, +who become virtuous for fear of this love." + +Thereupon they huddled up close together, alarmed at these words, but +wishing to know more. + +"And is it enough to love, to suffer?" asked a sister. + +"Oh, yes!" cried Sister Ovide. + +"You love just for one little once a pretty gentleman," replied +Ursula, "and you have the chance of seeing your teeth go one by one, +your hair fall off, your cheeks grow pallid, and your eyebrows drop, +and the disappearance of your prized charms will cost you many a sigh. +There are poor women who have scabs come upon their noses, and others +who have a horrid animal with a hundred claws, which gnaws their +tenderest parts. The Pope has at last been compelled to excommunicate +this kind of love." + +"Ah! how lucky I am to have had nothing of that sort," cried the +novice. + +Hearing this souvenir of love, the sisters suspected that the little +one had gone astray through the heat of a crucifix of Poissy, and had +been joking with the Sister Ovide, and drawing her out. All +congratulated themselves on having so merry a jade in their company, +and asked her to what adventure they were indebted for that pleasure. + +"Ah!" said she, "I let myself be bitten by a big flea, who had already +been baptised." + +At this speech, the sister of the bass note could not restrain a +second sign. + +"Ah!" said Sister Ovide, "you are bound to give us the third. If you +spoke that language in the choir, the abbess would diet you like +Sister Petronille; so put a sordine in your trumpet." + +"Is it true that you knew in her lifetime that Sister Petronille on +whom God bestowed the gift of only going twice a year to the bank of +deposit?" asked Sister Ursula. + +"Yes," replied Ovide. "And one evening it happened she had to remain +enthroned until matins, saying, 'I am here by the will of God.' But at +the first verse, she was delivered, in order that she should not miss +the office. Nevertheless, the late abbess would not allow that this +was an especial favour, granted from on high, and said that God did +not look so low. Here are the facts of the case. Our defunct sister, +whose canonisation the order are now endeavouring to obtain at the +court of the Pope, and would have had it if they could have paid the +proper costs of the papal brief; this Petronille, then, had an +ambition to have her name included in the Calendar of Saints, which +was in no way prejudicial to our order. She lived in prayer alone, +would remain in ecstasy before the altar of the virgin, which is on +the side of the fields, and pretend so distinctly to hear the angels +flying in Paradise, that she was able to hum the tunes they were +singing. You all know that she took from them the chant Adoremus, of +which no man could have invented a note. She remained for days with +her eyes fixed like the star, fasting, and putting no more nourishment +into her body that I could into my eye. She had made a vow never to +taste meat, either cooked or raw, and ate only a crust of bread a day; +but on great feast days she would add thereto a morsel of salt fish, +without any sauce. On this diet she became dreadfully thin, yellow and +saffron, and dry as an old bone in a cemetery; for she was of an +ardent disposition, and anyone who had had the happiness of knocking +up against her, would have drawn fire as from a flint. However, little +as she ate, she could not escape an infirmity to which, luckily or +unluckily, we are all more or less subject. If it were otherwise, we +should be very much embarrassed. The affair in question, is the +obligation of expelling after eating, like all the other animals, +matter more or less agreeable, according to constitution. Now Sister +Petronille differed from all others, because she expelled matter such +as is left by a deer, and these are the hardest substances that any +gizzard produces, as you must know, if you have ever put your foot +upon them in the forest glade, and from their hardness they are called +bullets in the language of forestry. This peculiarity of Sister +Petronille's was not unnatural, since long fasts kept her temperament +at a permanent heat. According to the old sisters, her nature was so +burning, that when water touched her, she went frist! like a hot coal. +There are sisters who have accused her of secretly cooking eggs, in +the night, between her toes, in order to support her austerities. But +these were scandals, invented to tarnish this great sanctity of which +all the other nunneries were jealous. Our sister was piloted in the +way of salvation and divine perfection by the Abbot of St. +Germaine-des-Pres de Paris--a holy man, who always finished his +Injunctions with a last one, which was to offer to God all our +troubles, and submit ourselves to His will, since nothing happened +without His express commandment. This doctrine, which appears wise at +first sight, has furnished matter for great controversies, and has +been finally condemned on the statement of the Cardinal of Chatillon, +who declared that then there would be no such thing as sin, which +would considerably diminish the revenues of the Church. But Sister +Petronille lived imbued with this feeling, without knowing the danger +of it. After Lent, and the fasts of the great jubilee, for the first +time for eight months she had need to go to the little room, and to it +she went. There, bravely lifting her dress, she put herself into a +position to do that which we poor sinners do rather oftener. But +Sister Petronille could only manage to expectorate the commencement of +the thing, which kept her puffing without the remainder making up its +mind to follow. In spite of every effort, pursing of the lips and +squeezing of body, her guest preferred to remain in her blessed body, +merely putting his head out of the window, like a frog taking the air, +and felt no inclination to fall into the vale of misery among the +others, alleging that he would not be there in the odour of sanctity. +And his idea was a good one for a simple lump of dirt like himself. +The good saint having used all methods of coercion, having +overstretched her muscles, and tried the nerves of her thin face till +they bulged out, recognised the fact that no suffering in the world +was so great, and her anguish attaining the apogee of sphincterial +terrors, she exclaimed, 'Oh! my God, to Thee I offer it!' At this +orison, the stoney matter broke off short, and fell like a flint +against the wall of the privy, making a croc, croc, crooc, paf! You +can easily understand, my sisters, that she had no need of a +torch-cul, and drew back the remainder." + +"Then did she see angels?" asked one. + +"Have they a behind?" asked another. + +"Certainly not," said Ursula. "Do you not know that one general +meeting day, God having ordered them to be seated, they answered Him +that they had not the wherewithal." + +Thereupon they went off to bed, some alone, others nearly alone. They +were good girls, who harmed only themselves. + +I cannot leave them without relating an adventure which took place in +their house, when Reform was passing a sponge over it, and making them +all saints, as before stated. At that time, there was in the episcopal +chair of Paris a veritable saint, who did not brag about what he did, +and cared for naught but the poor and suffering, whom the dear old +Bishop lodged in his heart, neglecting his own interests for theirs, +and seeking out misery in order that he might heal it with words, with +help, with attentions, and with money, according to the case: as ready +to solace the rich in their misfortunes as the poor, patching up their +souls and bringing them back to God; and tearing about hither and +thither, watching his troop, the dear shepherd! Now the good man went +about careless of the state of his cassocks, mantles, and breeches, so +that the naked members of the church were covered. He was so +charitable that he would have pawned himself to save an infidel from +distress. His servants were obliged to look after him carefully. +Ofttimes he would scold them when they changed unasked his tattered +vestments for new; and he used to have them darned and patched, as +long as they would hold together. Now this good archbishop knew that +the late Sieur de Poissy had left a daughter, without a sou or a rag, +after having eaten, drunk, and gambled away her inheritance. This poor +young lady lived in a hovel, without fire in winter or cherries in +spring; and did needlework, not wishing either to marry beneath her or +sell her virtue. Awaiting the time when he should be able to find a +young husband for her, the prelate took it into his head to send her +the outside case of one to mend, in the person of his old breeches, a +task which the young lady, in her present position, would be glad to +undertake. One day that the archbishop was thinking to himself that he +must go to the convent of Poissy, to see after the reformed inmates, +he gave to one of his servants, the oldest of his nether garments, +which was sorely in need of stitches, saying, "Take this, Saintot, to +the young ladies of Poissy," meaning to say, "the young lady of +Poissy." Thinking of affairs connected with the cloister, he did not +inform his varlet of the situation of the lady's house; her desperate +condition having been by him discreetly kept a secret. Saintot took +the breeches and went his way towards Poissy, gay as a grasshopper, +stopping to chat with friends he met on the way, slaking his thirst at +the wayside inns, and showing many things to the breeches during the +journey that might hereafter be useful to them. At last he arrived at +the convent, and informed the abbess that his master had sent him to +give her these articles. When the varlet departed, leaving with the +reverend mother, the garment accustomed to model in relief the +archiepiscopal proportions of the continent nature of the good man, +according to the fashion of the period, beside the image of those +things of which the Eternal Father had deprived His angels, and which +in the good prelate did not want for amplitude. Madame the abbess +having informed the sisters of the precious message of the good +archbishop they came in haste, curious and hustling, as ants into +whose republic a chestnut husk has fallen. When they undid the +breeches, which gaped horribly, they shrieked out, covering their eyes +with one hand, in great fear of seeing the devil come out, the abbess +exclaiming, "Hide yourselves my daughters! This is the abode of mortal +sin!" + +The mother of the novices, giving a little look between her fingers, +revived the courage of the holy troop, swearing by an Ave that no +living head was domiciled in the breeches. Then they all blushed at +their ease, while examining this habitavit, thinking that perhaps the +desire of the prelate was that they should discover therein some sage +admonition or evangelical parable. Although this sight caused certain +ravages in the hearts of those most virtuous maidens, they paid little +attention to the flutterings of their reins, but sprinkling a little +holy water in the bottom of the abyss, one touched it, another passed +her finger through a hole, and grew bolder looking at it. It has even +been pretended that, their first stir over, the abbess found a voice +sufficiently firm to say, "What is there at the bottom of this? With +what idea has our father sent us that which consummates the ruin of +women?" + +"It's fifteen years, dear mother, since I have been permitted to gaze +upon the demon's den." + +"Silence, my daughter. You prevent me thinking what is best to be +done." + +Then so much were these archiepiscopal breeches turned and twisted +about, admired and re-admired, pulled here, pulled there, and turned +inside out--so much were they talked about, fought about, thought +about, dreamed about, night and day, that on the morrow a little +sister said, after having sung the matins, to which the convent had a +verse and two responses--"Sisters, I have found out the parable of the +archbishop. He has sent us as a mortification his garment to mend, as +a holy warning to avoid idleness, the mother abbess of all the vices." + +Thereupon there was a scramble to get hold of the breeches; but the +abbess, using her high authority, reserved to herself the meditation +over this patchwork. She was occupied during ten days, praying, and +sewing the said breeches, lining them with silk, and making double +hems, well sewn, and in all humility. Then the chapter being +assembled, it was arranged that the convent should testify by a pretty +souvenir to the said archbishop their delight that he thought of his +daughters in God. Then all of them, to the very youngest, had to do +some work on these blessed breeches, in order to do honour to the +virtue of the good man. + +Meanwhile the prelate had had so much to attend to, that he had +forgotten all about his garment. This is how it came about. He made +the acquaintance of a noble of the court, who, having lost his wife--a +she-fiend and sterile--said to the good priest, that he had a great +ambition to meet with a virtuous woman, confiding in God, with whom he +was not likely to quarrel, and was likely to have pretty children. +Such a one he desired to hold by the hand, and have confidence in. +Then the holy man drew such a picture of Mademoiselle de Poissy, that +this fair one soon became Madame de Genoilhac. The wedding was +celebrated at the archiepiscopal palace, where was a feast of the +first quality and a table bordered with ladies of the highest lineage, +and the fashionable world of the court, among whom the bride appeared +the most beautiful, since it has certain that she was a virgin, the +archbishop guaranteeing her virtue. + +When the fruit, conserves, and pastry were with many ornaments +arranged on the cloth, Saintot said to the archbishop, "Monseigneur, +your well-beloved daughters of Poissy send you a fine dish for the +centre." + +"Put it there," said the good man, gazing with admiration at an +edifice of velvet and satin, embroidered with fine ribbon, in the +shape of an ancient vase, the lid of which exhaled a thousand +superfine odours. + +Immediately the bride, uncovering it, found therein sweetmeats, cakes, +and those delicious confections to which the ladies are so partial. +But of one of them--some curious devotee--seeing a little piece of +silk, pulled it towards her, and exposed to view the habitation of the +human compass, to the great confusion of the prelate, for laughter +rang round the table like a discharge of artillery. + +"Well have they made the centre dish," said the bridegroom. "These +young ladies are of good understanding. Therein are all the sweets of +matrimony." + +Can there be any better moral than that deduced by Monsieur de +Genoilhac? Then no other is needed. + + + + HOW THE CHATEAU D'AZAY CAME TO BE BUILT + +Jehan, son of Simon Fourniez, called Simonnin, a citizen of Tours +--originally of the village of Moulinot, near to Beaune, whence, in +imitation of certain persons, he took the name when he became steward +to Louis the Eleventh--had to fly one day into Languedoc with his +wife, having fallen into great disgrace, and left his son Jacques +penniless in Touraine. This youth, who possessed nothing in the world +except his good looks, his sword, and spurs, but whom worn-out old men +would have considered very well off, had in his head a firm intention +to save his father, and make his fortune at the court, then holden in +Touraine. At early dawn this good Tourainian left his lodging, and, +enveloped in his mantle, all except his nose, which he left open to +the air, and his stomach empty, walked about the town without any +trouble of digestion. He entered the churches, thought them beautiful, +looked into the chapels, flicked the flies from the pictures, and +counted the columns all after the manner of a man who knew not what to +do with his time or his money. At other times he feigned to recite his +paternosters, but really made mute prayers to the ladies, offered them +holy water when leaving, followed them afar off, and endeavoured by +these little services to encounter some adventure, in which at the +peril of his life he would find for himself a protector or a gracious +mistress. He had in his girdle two doubloons which he spared far more +than his skin, because that would be replaced, but the doubloons +never. Each day he took from his little hoard the price of a roll and +a few apples, with which he sustained life, and drank at his will and +his discretion of the water of the Loire. This wholesome and prudent +diet, besides being good for his doubloons, kept him frisky and light +as a greyhound, gave him a clear understanding and a warm heart for +the water of the Loire is of all syrups the most strengthening, +because having its course afar off it is invigorated by its long run, +through many strands, before it reaches Tours. So you may be sure that +the poor fellow imagined a thousand and one good fortunes and lucky +adventures, and what is more, almost believed them true. Oh! The good +times! One evening Jacques de Beaune (he kept the name although he was +not lord of Beaune) was walking along the embankment, occupied in +cursing his star and everything, for his last doubloon was with scant +respect upon the point of quitting him; when at the corner of a little +street, he nearly ran against a veiled lady, whose sweet odour +gratified his amorous senses. This fair pedestrian was bravely mounted +on pretty pattens, wore a beautiful dress of Italian velvet, with wide +slashed satin sleeves; while as a sign of her great fortune, through +her veil a white diamond of reasonable size shone upon her forehead +like the rays of the setting sun, among her tresses, which were +delicately rolled, built up, and so neat, that they must have taken +her maids quite three hours to arrange. She walked like a lady who was +only accustomed to a litter. One of her pages followed her, well +armed. She was evidently some light o'love belonging to a noble of +high rank or a lady of the court, since she held her dress high off +the ground, and bent her back like a woman of quality. Lady or +courtesan she pleased Jacques de Beaune, who, far from turning up his +nose at her, conceived the wild idea of attaching himself to her for +life. With this in view he determined to follow her in order to +ascertain whither she would lead him--to Paradise or to the limbo of +hell--to a gibbet or to an abode of love. Anything was a glean of hope +to him in the depth of his misery. The lady strolled along the bank of +the Loire towards Plessis inhaling like a fish the fine freshness of +the water, toying, sauntering like a little mouse who wishes to see +and taste everything. When the page perceived that Jacques de Beaune +persistently followed his mistress in all her movements, stopped when +she stopped, and watched her trifling in a bare-faced fashion, as if +he had a right so to do, he turned briskly round with a savage and +threatening face, like that of a dog whose says, "Stand back, sir!" +But the good Tourainian had his wits about him. Believing that if a +cat may look at king, he, a baptised Christian, might certainly look +at a pretty woman, he stepped forward, and feigning to grin at the +page, he strutted now behind and now before the lady. She said +nothing, but looked at the sky, which was putting on its nightcap, the +stars, and everything which could give her pleasure. So things went +on. At last, arrived outside Portillon, she stood still, and in order +to see better, cast her veil back over her shoulder, and in so doing +cast upon the youth the glance of a clever woman who looks round to +see if there is any danger of being robbed. I may tell you that +Jacques de Beaune was a thorough ladies' man, could walk by the side +of a princess without disgracing her, had a brave and resolute air +which please the sex, and if he was a little browned by the sun from +being so much in the open air, his skin would look white enough under +the canopy of a bed. The glance, keen as a needle, which the lady +threw him, appeared to him more animated than that with which she +would have honoured her prayer-book. Upon it he built the hope of a +windfall of love, and resolved to push the adventure to the very edge +of the petticoat, risking to go still further, not only his lips, +which he held of little count, but his two ears and something else +besides. He followed into the town the lady, who returned by the Rue +des Trois-Pucelles, and led the gallant through a labyrinth of little +streets, to the square in which is at the present time situated the +Hotel de la Crouzille. There she stopped at the door of a splendid +mansion, at which the page knocked. A servant opened it, and the lady +went in and closed the door, leaving the Sieur de Beaune open-mouthed, +stupefied, and as foolish as Monseigneur St. Denis when he was trying +to pick up his head. He raised his nose in the air to see if some +token of favour would be thrown to him, and saw nothing except a light +which went up the stairs, through the rooms, and rested before a fine +window, where probably the lady was also. You can believe that the +poor lover remained melancholy and dreaming, and not knowing what to +do. The window gave a sudden creak and broke his reverie. Fancying +that his lady was about to call him, he looked up again, and but for +the friendly shelter of the balcony, which was a helmet to him, he +would have received a stream of water and the utensil which contained +it, since the handle only remained in the grasp of the person who +delivered the deluge. Jacques de Beaune, delighted at this, did not +lose the opportunity, but flung himself against the wall, crying "I am +killed," with a feeble voice. Then stretching himself upon the +fragments of broken china, he lay as if dead, awaiting the issue. The +servants rushed out in a state of alarm, fearing their mistress, to +whom they had confessed their fault, and picked up the wounded man, +who could hardly restrain his laughter at being then carried up the +stairs. + +"He is cold," said the page. + +"He is covered with blood," said the butler, who while feeling his +pulse had wetted his hand. + +"If he revives," said the guilty one, "I will pay for a mass to St. +Gatien." + +"Madame takes after her late father, and if she does not have thee +hanged, the least mitigation of thy penalty will be that thou wilt be +kicked out of her house and service," said another. "Certes, he's dead +enough, he is so heavy." + +"Ah! I am in the house of a very great lady," thought Jacques. + +"Alas! is he really dead?" demanded the author of the calamity. While +with great labour the Tourainian was being carried up the stairs, his +doublet caught on a projection, and the dead man cried, "Ah, my +doublet!" + +"He groans," said the culprit, with a sigh of relief. The Regent's +servants (for this was the house of the Regent, the daughter of King +Louis XI. of virtuous memory) brought Jacques de Beaune into a room, +and laid him stiff and stark upon a table, not thinking for a moment +that he could be saved. + +"Run and fetch a surgeon," cried Madame de Beaujeu. "Run here, run +there!" + +The servants were down the stairs in a trice. The good lady Regent +dispatched her attendants for ointment, for linen to bind the wounds, +for goulard-water, for so many things, that she remained alone. Gazing +upon this splendid and senseless man, she cried aloud, admiring his +presence and his features, handsome even in death. "Ah! God wishes to +punish me. Just for one little time in my life has there been born in +me, and taken possession of me, a naughty idea, and my patron saint is +angry, and deprives me of the sweetest gentleman I have ever seen. By +the rood, and by the soul of my father, I will hang every man who has +had a hand in this!" + +"Madame," cried Jacques de Beaune, springing from the table, and +falling at the feet of the Regent, "I will live to serve you, and am +so little bruised that that I promise you this night as many joys as +there are months in the year, in imitation of the Sieur Hercules, a +pagan baron. For the last twenty days," he went on (thinking that +matters would be smoothed by a little lying), "I have met you again +and again. I fell madly in love with you, yet dared not, by reason of +my great respect for your person, make an advance. You can imagine how +intoxicated I must have been with your royal beauties, to have +invented the trick to which I owe the happiness of being at your +feet." + +Thereupon he kissed her amorously, and gave her a look that would have +overcome any scruples. The Regent, by means of time, which respects +not queens, was, as everyone knows, in her middle age. In this +critical and autumnal season, women formally virtuous and loveless +desire now here, now there, to enjoy, unknown to the world, certain +hours of love, in order that they may not arrive in the other world +with hands and heart alike empty, through having left the fruit of the +tree of knowledge untasted. The lady of Beaujeu, without appearing to +be astonished while listening to the promises of this young man, since +royal personages ought to be accustomed to having them by dozens, kept +this ambitious speech in the depths of her memory or of her registry +of love, which caught fire at his words. Then she raised the +Tourainian, who still found in his misery the courage to smile at his +mistress, who had the majesty of a full-blown rose, ears like shoes, +and the complexion of a sick cat, but was so well-dressed, so fine in +figure, so royal of foot, and so queenly in carriage, that he might +still find in this affair means to gain his original object. + +"Who are you?" said the Regent, putting on the stern look of her +father. + +"I am your very faithful subject, Jacques de Beaune, son of your +steward, who has fallen into disgrace in spite of his faithful +services." + +"Ah, well!" replied the lady, "lay yourself on the table again. I hear +someone coming; and it is not fit that my people should think me your +accomplice in this farce and mummery." + +The good fellow perceived, by the soft sound of her voice, that he was +pardoned the enormity of his love. He lay down upon the table again, +and remembered how certain lords had ridden to court in an old stirrup +--a thought which perfectly reconciled him to his present position. + +"Good," said the Regent to her maid-servants, "nothing is needed. This +gentleman is better; thanks to heaven and the Holy Virgin, there will +have been no murder in my house." + +Thus saying, she passed her hand through the locks of the lover who +had fallen to her from the skies, and taking a little reviving water +she bathed his temples, undid his doublet, and under pretence of +aiding his recovery, verified better than an expert how soft and young +was the skin on this young fellow and bold promiser of bliss, and all +the bystanders, men and women, were amazed to see the Regent act thus. +But humanity never misbecomes those of royal blood. Jacques stood up, +and appeared to come to his senses, thanked the Regent most humbly, +and dismissed the physicians, master surgeons, and other imps in +black, saying that he had thoroughly recovered. Then he gave his name, +and saluting Madame de Beaujeu, wished to depart, as though afraid of +her on account of his father's disgrace, but no doubt horrified at his +terrible vow. + +"I cannot permit it," said she. "Persons who come to my house should +not meet with such treatment as you have encountered. The Sieur de +Beaune will sup here," she added to her major domo. "He who has so +unduly insulted him will be at his mercy if he makes himself known +immediately; otherwise, I will have him found out and hanged by the +provost." + +Hearing this, the page who had attended the lady during her promenade +stepped forward. + +"Madame," said Jacques, "at my request pray both pardon and reward +him, since to him I owe the felicity of seeing you, the favour of +supping in your company, and perhaps that of getting my father +re-established in the office to which it pleased your glorious +father to appoint him." + +"Well said," replied the Regent. "D'Estouteville," said she, turning +towards the page, "I give thee command of a company of archers. But +for the future do not throw things out of the window." + +Then she, delighted with de Beaune, offered him her hand, and led him +most gallantly into her room, where they conversed freely together +while supper was being prepared. There the Sieur Jacques did not fail +to exhibit his talents, justify his father, and raise himself in the +estimation of the lady, who, as is well known, was like a father in +disposition, and did everything at random. Jacques de Beaune thought +to himself that it would be rather difficult for him to remain all +night with the Regent. Such matters are not so easily arranged as the +amours of cats, who have always a convenient refuge upon the housetops +for their moments of dalliance. So he rejoiced that he was known to +the Regent without being compelled to fulfil his rash promise, since +for this to be carried out it was necessary that the servants and +others should be out of the way, and her reputation safe. +Nevertheless, suspecting the powers of intrigue of the good lady, at +times he would ask himself if he were equal to the task. But beneath +the surface of conversation, the same thing was in the mind of the +Regent, who had already managed affairs quite as difficult, and she +began most cleverly to arrange the means. She sent for one of her +secretaries, an adept in all arts necessary for the perfect government +of a kingdom, and ordered him to give her secretly a false message +during the supper. Then came the repast, which the lady did not touch, +since her heart had swollen like a sponge, and so diminished her +stomach, for she kept thinking of this handsome and desirable man, +having no appetite save for him. Jacques did not fail to make a good +meal for many reasons. The messenger came, madame began to storm, and +to knit her brows after the manner of the late king, and to say, "Is +there never to be peace in this land? Pasques Dieu! can we not have +one quiet evening?" Then she rose and strode about the room. "Ho +there! My horse! Where is Monsieur de Vieilleville, my squire? Ah, he +is in Picardy. D'Estouteville, you will rejoin me with my household at +the Chateau d'Amboise...." And looking at Jacques, she said, "You +shall be my squire, Sieur de Beaune. You wish to serve the state. The +occasion is a good one. Pasques Dieu! come! There are rebels to +subdue, and faithful knights are needed." + +In less time than an old beggar would have taken to say thank you, the +horses were bridled, saddled, and ready. Madame was on her mare, and +the Tourainian at her side, galloping at full speed to her castle at +Amboise, followed by the men-at-arms. To be brief and come to the +facts without further commentary, the De Beaune was lodged not twenty +yards from Madame, far from prying eyes. The courtiers and the +household, much astonished, ran about inquiring from what quarter the +danger might be expected; but our hero, taken at his word, knew well +enough where to find it. The virtue of the Regent, well known in the +kingdom, saved her from suspicion, since she was supposed to be as +impregnable as the Chateau de Peronne. At curfew, when everything was +shut, both ears and eyes, and the castle silent, Madame de Beaujeu +sent away her handmaid, and called for her squire. The squire came. +Then the lady and the adventurer sat side by side upon a velvet couch, +in the shadow of a lofty fireplace, and the curious Regent, with a +tender voice, asked of Jacques "Are you bruised? It was very wrong of +me to make a knight, wounded by one on my servants, ride twelve miles. +I was so anxious about it that I would not go to bed without having +seen you. Do you suffer?" + +"I suffer with impatience," said he of the dozen, thinking it would +not do to appear reluctant. "I see well," continued he, "my noble and +beautiful mistress, that your servant has found favour in your sight." + +"There, there!" replied she; "did you not tell a story when you +said--" + +"What?" said he. + +"Why, that you had followed me dozens of times to churches, and other +places to which I went." + +"Certainly," said he. + +"I am astonished," replied the Regent, "never to have seen until today +a noble youth whose courage is so apparent in his countenance. I am +not ashamed of that which you heard me say when I believed you dead. +You are agreeable to me, you please me, and you wish to do well." + +Then the hour of the dreaded sacrifice having struck, Jacques fell at +the knees of the Regent, kissed her feet, her hands, and everything, +it is said; and while kissing her, previous to retirement, proved by +many arguments to the aged virtue of his sovereign, that a lady +bearing the burden of the state had a perfect right to enjoy herself +--a theory which was not directly admitted by the Regent, who +determined to be forced, in order to throw the burden of this sin upon +her lover. This notwithstanding, you may be sure that she had highly +perfumed and elegantly attired herself for the night, and shone with +desire for embraces, for desire lent her a high colour which greatly +improved her complexion; and in spite of her feeble resistance she was, +like a young girl, carried by assault in her royal couch, where the +good lady and her young dozener, embraced each other. Then from play to +quarrel, quarrel to riot, from riot to ribaldry, from thread to needle, +the Regent declared that she believed more in the virginity of the Holy +Mary than in the promised dozen. Now, by chance, Jacques de Beaune did +not find this great lady so very old between the sheets, since +everything is metamorphosed by the light of the lamps of the night. +Many women of fifty by day are twenty at midnight, as others are +twenty at mid-day and a hundred after vespers. Jacques, happier at +this sight than at that of the King on a hanging day, renewed his +undertaking. Madame, herself astonished, promised every assistance on +her part. The manor of Azay-le-Brule, with a good title thereto, she +undertook to confer upon her cavalier, as well as the pardon of his +father, if from this encounter she came forth vanquished, then the +clever fellows said to himself, "This is to save my father from +punishment! this for the fief! this for the letting and selling! this +for the forest of Azay! item for the right of fishing! another for the +Isles of the Indre! this for the meadows! I may as well release from +confiscation our land of La Carte, so dearly bought by my father! Once +more for a place at court!" Arriving without hindrance at this point, +he believed his dignity involved, and fancied that having France under +him, it was a question of the honour of the crown. In short, at the +cost of a vow which he made to his patron, Monsieur St. Jacques, to +build him a chapel at Azay, he presented his liege homage to the +Regent eleven clear, clean, limpid, and genuine periphrases. +Concerning the epilogue of this slow conversation, the Tourainian had +the great self-confidence to wish excellently to regale the Regent, +keeping for her on her waking the salute of an honest man, as it was +necessary for the lord of Azay to thank his sovereign, which was +wisely thought. But when nature is oppressed, she acts like a spirited +horse, lays down, and will die under the whip sooner than move until +it pleases her to rise reinvigorated. Thus, when in the morning the +seignior of the castle of Azay desired to salute the daughter of King +Louis XI., he was constrained, in spite of his courtesy, to make the +salute as royal salutes should be made--with blank cartridge only. +Therefore the Regent, after getting up, and while she was breakfasting +with Jacques, who called himself the legitimate Lord of Azay, seized +the occasion of this insufficiency to contradict her esquire, and +pretend, that as he had not gained his wager, he had not earned the +manor. + +"Ventre-Saint-Paterne! I have been near enough," said Jacques. "But my +dear lady and noble sovereign it is not proper for either you or me to +judge in this cause. The case being an allodial case, must be brought +before your council, since the fief of Azay is held from the crown." + +"Pasques dieu!" replied the Regent with a forced laugh. "I give you +the place of the Sieur de Vieilleville in my house. Don't trouble +about your father. I will give you Azay, and will place you in a royal +office if you can, without injury to my honour, state the case in full +council; but if one word falls to the damage of my reputation as a +virtuous women, I--" + +"May I be hanged," said Jacques, turning the thing into a joke, +because there was a shade of anger in the face of Madame de Beaujeu. + +In fact, the daughter of King Louis thought more of her royalty than +of the roguish dozen, which she considered as nothing, since fancying +she had had her night's amusement without loosening her purse-strings, +she preferred the difficult recital of his claim to another dozen +offered her by the Tourainian. + +"Then, my lady," replied her good companion, "I shall certainly be +your squire." + +The captains, secretaries, and other persons holding office under the +regency, astonished at the sudden departure of Madame de Beaujeu, +learned the cause of her anxiety, and came in haste to the castle of +Amboise to discover whence preceded the rebellion, and were in +readiness to hold a council when her Majesty had arisen. She called +them together, not to be suspected of having deceived them, and gave +them certain falsehoods to consider, which they considered most +wisely. At the close of the sitting, came the new squire to accompany +his mistress. Seeing the councillors rising, the bold Tourainian +begged them to decide a point of law which concerned both himself and +the property of the Crown. + +"Listen to him," said the Regent. "He speaks truly." + +Then Jacques de Beaune, without being nervous at the sight of this +august court, spoke as follows, or thereabouts:--"Noble Lords, I beg +you, although I am about to speak to you of walnut shells, to give +your attention to this case, and pardon me the trifling nature of my +language. One lord was walking with another in a fruit garden, and +noticed a fine walnut tree, well planted, well grown, worth looking +at, worth keeping, although a little empty; a nut tree always fresh, +sweet-smelling, the tree which you would not leave if you once saw it, +a tree of love which seemed the tree of good and evil, forbidden by +the Lord, through which were banished our mother Eve and the gentleman +her husband. Now, my lords, this said walnut tree was the subject of a +slight dispute between the two, and one of those many wagers which are +occasionally made between friends. The younger boasted that he could +throw twelve times through it a stick which he had in his hand at the +time--as many people have who walk in a garden--and with each flight +of the stick he would send a nut to the ground--" + +"That is, I believe the knotty point of the case," said Jacques +turning towards the Regent. + +"Yes, gentlemen," replied she, surprised at the craft of her squire. + +"The other wagered to the contrary," went on the pleader. "Now the +first named throws his stick with such precision of aim, so gently, +and so well that both derived pleasure therefrom, and by the joyous +protection of the saints, who no doubt were amused spectators, with +each throw there fell a nut; in fact, there fell twelve. But by chance +the last of the fallen nuts was empty, and had no nourishing pulp from +which could have come another nut tree, had the gardener planted it. +Has the man with the stick gained his wager? Judge." + +"The thing is clear enough," said Messire Adam Fumee, a Tourainian, +who at that time was the keeper of the seals. "There is only one thing +for the other to do." + +"What is that?" said the Regent. + +"To pay the wager, Madame." + +"He is rather too clever," said she, tapping her squire on the cheek. +"He will be hanged one of these days." + +She meant it as a joke, but these words were the real horoscope of the +steward, who mounted the gallows by the ladder of royal favour, +through the vengeance of another old woman, and the notorious treason +of a man of Ballan, his secretary, whose fortune he had made, and +whose name was Prevost, and not Rene Gentil, as certain persons have +wrongly called him. The Ganelon and bad servant gave, it is said, to +Madame d'Angouleme, the receipt for the money which had been given him +by Jacques de Beaune, then become Baron of Samblancay, lord of La +Carte and Azay, and one of the foremost men in the state. Of his two +sons, one was Archbishop of Tours the other Minister of Finance and +Governor of Touraine. But this is not the subject of the present +history. + +Now that which concerns the present narrative, is that Madame de +Beaujeu, to whom the pleasure of love had come rather late in the day, +well pleased with the great wisdom and knowledge of public affairs +which her chance lover possessed, made him Lord of the Privy Purse, in +which office he behaved so well, and added so much to the contents of +it, that his great renown procured for him one day the handling of the +revenues which he superintended and controlled most admirably, and +with great profit to himself, which was but fair. The good Regent paid +the bet, and handed over to her squire the manor of Azay-le-Brule, of +which the castle had long before been demolished by the first +bombardiers who came from Touraine, as everyone knows. For this +powdery miracle, but for the intervention of the king, the said +engineers would have been condemned as heretics and abettors of Satan, +by the ecclesiastical tribune of the chapter. + +At this time there was being built with great care by Messire Bohier, +Minister of Finance, the Castle of Chenonceaux, which as a curiosity +and novel design, was placed right across the river Cher. + +Now the Baron de Samblancay, wishing to oppose the said Bohier, +determined to lay the foundation of this at the bottom of the Indre, +where it still stands, the gem of this fair green valley, so solidly +was it placed upon the piles. It cost Jacques de Beaune thirty +thousand crowns, not counting the work done by his vassals. You may +take it for granted this castle was one of the finest, prettiest, most +exquisite and most elaborate castles of our sweet Touraine, and laves +itself in the Indre like a princely creature, gayly decked with +pavilions and lace curtained windows, with fine weather-beaten +soldiers on her vanes, turning whichever way the wind blows, as all +soldiers do. But Samblancay was hanged before it was finished, and +since that time no one has been found with sufficient money to +complete it. Nevertheless, his master, King Francis the First, was +once his guest, and the royal chamber is still shown there. When the +king was going to bed, Samblancay, whom the king called "old fellow," +in honour of his white hairs, hearing his royal master, to whom he was +devotedly attached, remark, "Your clock has just struck twelve, old +fellow!" replied, "Ah! sire, to twelve strokes of a hammer, an old one +now, but years ago a good one, at this hour of the clock do I owe my +lands, the money spent on this place, and honour of being in your +service." + +The king wished to know what his minister meant by these strange +words; and when his majesty was getting into bed, Jacques de Beaune +narrated to him the history with which you are acquainted. Now Francis +the First, who was partial to these spicy stories, thought the +adventure a very droll one, and was the more amused thereat because at +that time his mother, the Duchess d'Angouleme, in the decline of life, +was pursuing the Constable of Bourbon, in order to obtain of him one +of these dozens. Wicked love of a wicked woman, for therefrom +proceeded the peril of the kingdom, the capture of the king, and the +death--as has been before mentioned--of poor Samblancay. + +I have here endeavoured to relate how the Chateau d'Azay came to be +built, because it is certain that thus was commenced the great fortune +of that Samblancay who did so much for his natal town, which he +adorned; and also spent such immense sums upon the completion of the +towers of the cathedral. This lucky adventure has been handed down +from father to son, and lord to lord, in the said place of +Azay-les-Ridel, where the story frisks still under the curtains of the +king, which have been curiously respected down to the present day. It is +therefore the falsest of falsities which attributes the dozen of the +Tourainian to a German knight, who by this deed would have secured the +domains of Austria to the House of Hapsburgh. The author of our days, +who brought this history to light, although a learned man, has allowed +himself to be deceived by certain chroniclers, since the archives of +the Roman Empire make no mention of an acquisition of this kind. I am +angry with him for having believed that a "braguette" nourished with +beer, could have been equal to the alchemical operations of the +Chinonian "braguettes," so much esteemed by Rabelais. And I have for +the advantage of the country, the glory of Azay, the conscience of the +castle, and renown of the House of Beaune, from which sprang the +Sauves and the Noirmoutiers, re-established the facts in all their +veritable, historical, and admirable beauty. Should any ladies pay a +visit to the castle, there are still dozens to be found in the +neighbourhood, but they can only be procured retail. + + + + THE FALSE COURTESAN + +That which certain people do not know, is a the truth concerning the +decease of the Duke of Orleans, brother of King Charles VI., a death +which proceeded from a great number of causes, one of which will be +the subject of this narrative. This prince was for certain the most +lecherous of all the royal race of Monseigneur St. Louis (who was in +his life time King of France), without even putting on one side some +of the most debauched of this fine family, which was so concordant +with the vices and especial qualities of our brave and +pleasure-seeking nation, that you could more easily imagine Hell +without Satan than France without her valorous, glorious, and jovial +kings. So you can laugh as loudly at those muckworms of philosophy who +go about saying, "Our fathers were better," as at the good, +philanthropical old bunglers who pretend that mankind is on the right +road to perfection. These are old blind bats, who observe neither the +plumage of oysters nor the shells of birds, which change no more than +our ways. Hip, hip, huzzah! then, make merry while you're young. Keep +your throats wet and your eyes dry, since a hundredweight of melancholy +is worth less than an ounce of jollity. The wrong doings of this lord, +lover of Queen Isabella, whom he doted upon, brought about pleasant +adventures, since he was a great wit, of Alcibaidescal nature, and a +chip off the old block. It was he who first conceived the idea of a +relay of sweethearts, so that when he went from Paris to Bordeaux, +every time he unsettled his nag he found ready for him a good meal and +a bed with as much lace inside as out. Happy Prince! who died on +horseback, for he was always across something in-doors and out. Of his +comical jokes our most excellent King Louis the Eleventh has given a +splendid sample in the book of "Cent Nouvelles Nouvelles," written under +his superintendence during his exile, at the Court of Burgundy, where, +during the long evenings, in order to amuse themselves, he and his +cousin Charolois would relate to each other the good tricks and jokes +of the period; and when they were hard up for true stories, each of +the courtiers tried who could invent the best one. But out of respect +for the royal blood, the Dauphin has credited a townsman with that +which happened to the Lady of Cany. It is given under the title of "La +Medaille a revers", in the collection of which it is one of the +brightest jewels, and commences the hundred. But now for mine. + +The Duc d'Orleans had in his suite a lord of the province of Picardy, +named Raoul d'Hocquetonville, who had taken for a wife, to the future +trouble of the prince, a young lady related to the house of Burgundy, +and rich in domains. But, an exception to the general run of +heiresses, she was of so dazzling a beauty, that all the ladies of the +court, even the Queen and Madame Valentine, were thrown into the +shade; nevertheless, this was as nothing in the lady of +Hocquetonville, compared with her Burgundian consanguinity, her +inheritances, her prettiness, and gentle nature, because these rare +advantages received a religious lustre from her supreme innocence, +sweet modesty, and chaste education. The Duke had not long gazed upon +this heaven-sent flower before he was seized with the fever of love. +He fell into a state of melancholy, frequented no bad places, and only +with regret now and then did he take a bite at his royal and dainty +German morsel Isabella. He became passionate, and swore either by +sorcery, by force, by trickery, or with her consent, to enjoy the +flavours of this gentle lady, who, by the sight of her sweet body, +forced him to the last extremity, during his now long and weary +nights. At first, he pursued her with honied words, but he soon knew +by her untroubled air that she was determined to remain virtuous, for +without appearing astonished at his proceedings, or getting angry like +certain other ladies, she replied to him, "My lord, I must inform you +that I do not desire to trouble myself with the love of other persons, +not that I despise the joys which are therein to be experienced (as +supreme they must be, since so many ladies cast into the abyss of love +their homes, their honour, their future, and everything), but from the +love I bear my children. Never would I be the cause of a blush upon +their cheeks, for in this idea will I bring up my daughters--that in +virtue alone is happiness to be found. For, my lord, if the days of +our old age are more numerous than those of our youth, of them must we +think. From those who brought me up I learned to properly estimate +this life, and I know that everything therein is transitory, except +the security of the natural affections. Thus I wish for the esteem of +everyone, and above all that of my husband, who is all the world to +me. Therefore do I desire to appear honest in his sight. I have +finished, and I entreat you to allow me unmolested to attend to my +household affairs, otherwise I will unhesitatingly refer the matter to +my lord and master, who will quit your service." + +This brave reply rendered the king's brother more amorous than ever, +and he endeavoured to ensnare this noble woman in order to possess +her, dead or alive, and he never doubted a bit that he would have her +in his clutches, relying upon his dexterity at this kind of sport, the +most joyous of all, in which it is necessary to employ the weapons of +all other kinds of sport, seeing that this sweet game is taken +running, by taking aim, by torchlight, by night, by day, in the town, +in the country, in the woods, by the waterside, in nets, with falcons, +with the lance, with the horn, with the gun, with the decoy bird, in +snares, in the toils, with a bird call, by the scent, on the wing, +with the cornet, in slime, with a bait, with the lime-twig--indeed, by +means of all the snares invented since the banishment of Adam. And +gets killed in various different ways, but generally is overridden. + +The artful fellow ceased to mention his desires, but had a post of +honour given to the Lady of Hocquetonville, in the queen's household. +Now, one day that the said Isabella went to Vincennes, to visit the +sick King, and left him master of the Hotel St. Paul, he commanded the +chef to have a delicate and royal supper prepared, and to serve it in +the queen's apartments. Then he sent for his obstinate lady by express +command, and by one of the pages of the household. The Countess +d'Hocquetonville, believing that she was desired by Madame Isabella +for some service appertaining to her post, or invited to some sudden +amusement, hastened to the room. In consequence of the precautions +taken by the disloyal lover, no one had been able to inform the noble +dame of the princess's departure, so she hastened to the splendid +chamber, which, in the Hotel St. Paul, led into the queen's +bedchamber; there she found the Duc d'Orleans alone. Suspecting some +treacherous plot, she went quickly into the other room, found no +queen, but heard the Prince give vent to a hearty laugh. + +"I am undone!" said she. Then she endeavoured to run away. + +But the good lady-killer had posted about devoted attendants, who, +without knowing what was going on, closed the hotel, barricaded the +doors, and in this mansion, so large that it equalled a fourth of +Paris, the Lady d'Hocquetonville was as in a desert, with no other aid +than that of her patron saint and God. Then, suspecting the truth, the +poor lady trembled from head to foot and fell into a chair; and then +the working of this snare, so cleverly conceived, was, with many a +hearty laugh, revealed to her by her lover. Directly the duke made a +movement to approach her this woman rose and exclaimed, arming herself +first with her tongue, and flashing one thousand maledictions from her +eyes-- + +"You will possess me--but dead! Ha! my lord, do not force me to a +struggle which must become known to certain people. I may yet retire, +and the Sire d'Hocquetonville shall be ignorant of the sorrow with +which you have forever tinged my life. Duke, you look too often in the +ladies' faces to find time to study men's, and you do not therefore +know your man. The Sire d'Hocquetonville would let himself be hacked +to pieces in your service, so devoted is he to you, in memory of your +kindness to him, and also because he is partial to you. But as he +loves so does he hate; and I believe him to be the man to bring his +mace down upon your head, to take his revenge, if you but compel me to +utter one cry. Do you desire both my death and your own? But be +assured that, as an honest woman, whatever happens to me, good or +evil, I shall keep no secret. Now, will you let me go?" + +The bad fellow began to whistle. Hearing his whistling, the good woman +went suddenly into the queen's chamber, and took from a place known to +her therein, a sharp stiletto. Then, when the duke followed her to +ascertain what this flight meant, "When you pass that line," cried +she, pointing to a board, "I will kill myself." + +My lord, without being in the least terrified, took a chair, placed it +at the very edge of the plank in question, and commenced a glowing +description of certain things, hoping to influence the mind of this +brave woman, and work her to that point that her brain, her heart, and +everything should be at his mercy. Then he commenced to say to her, in +that delicate manner to which princes are accustomed, that, in the +first place, virtuous women pay dearly for their virtue, since in +order to gain the uncertain blessings of the future, they lose all the +sweetest joys of the present, because husbands were compelled, from +motives of conjugal policy, not show them all the jewels in the shrine +of love, since the said jewels would so affect their hearts, was so +rapturously delicious, so titillatingly voluptuous, that a woman would +no longer consent to dwell in the cold regions of domestic life; and +he declared this marital abomination to be a great felony, because the +least thing a man could do in recognition of the virtuous life of a +good woman and her great merits, was to overwork himself, to exert, to +exterminate himself, to please her in every way, with fondlings and +kissings and wrestlings, and all the delicacies and sweet +confectionery of love; and that, if she would taste a little of the +seraphic joys of these little ways to her unknown, she would believe +all the other things of life as not worth a straw; and that, if such +were her wish, he would forever be as silent as the grave, and last no +scandal would besmear her virtue. And the lewd fellow, perceiving that +the lady did not stop her ears, commenced to describe to her, after +the fashion of arabesque pictures, which at that time were much +esteemed, the wanton inventions of debauchery. Then did his eyes shoot +flame, his words burn, and his voice ring, and he himself took great +pleasure in calling to mind the various ways of his ladies, naming +them to Madame d'Hocquetonville, and even revealing to her the tricks, +caresses, and amorous ways of Queen Isabella, and he made use of +expression so gracious and so ardently inciting, that, fancying it +caused the lady to relax her hold upon the stiletto a little, he made +as if to approach her. But she, ashamed to be found buried in thought, +gazed proudly at the diabolical leviathan who tempted her, and said to +him, "Fine sir, I thank you. You have caused me to love my husband all +the more, for from your discourse I learn how much he esteems me by +holding me in such respect that he does not dishonour his couch with +the tricks of street-walkers and bad women. I should think myself +forever disgraced, and should be contaminated to all eternity if I put +my foot in these sloughs where go these shameless hussies. A man's +wife is one thing, and his mistress another." + +"I will wager," said the duke, smiling, "that, nevertheless, for the +future you spur the Sire d'Hocquetonville to a little sharper pace." + +At this the good woman trembled, and cried, "You are a wicked man. Now +I both despise and abominate you! What! unable to rob me of my honour, +you attempt to poison my mind! Ah, my lord, this night's work will +cost you dear-- + + "If I forget it, a yet, + God will not forget. + +"Are not those of verse is yours?" + +"Madame," said the duke, turning pale with anger, "I can have you +bound--" + +"Oh no! I can free myself," replied she, brandishing the stiletto. + +The rapscallion began to laugh. + +"Never mind," said he. "I have a means of plunging you into the +sloughs of three brazen hussies, as you call them." + +"Never, while I live." + +"Head and heels you shall go in--with your two feet, two hands, two +ivory breasts, and two other things, white as snow--your teeth, your +hair, and everything. You will go of your own accord; you shall enter +into it lasciviously, and in a way to crush your cavalier, as a wild +horse does its rider--stamping, leaping, and snorting. I swear it by +Saint Castud!" + +Instantly he whistled for one of his pages. And when the page came, he +secretly ordered him to go and seek the Sire d'Hocquetonville, +Savoisy, Tanneguy, Cypierre, and other members of his band, asking +them to these rooms to supper, not without at the same time inviting +to meet his guests a pretty petticoat or two. + +Then he came and sat down in his chair again, ten paces from the lady, +off whom he had not taken his eye while giving his commands to the +page in a whisper. + +"Raoul is jealous," said he. "Now let me give you a word of advice. In +this place," he added, pointing to a secret door, "are the oils and +superfine perfumes of the queen; in this other little closet she +performs her ablutions and little feminine offices. I know by much +experience that each one of you gentle creatures has her own special +perfume, by which she is smelt and recognised. So if, as you say, +Raoul is overwhelmingly jealous with the worst of all jealousies, you +will use these fast hussies' scents, because your danger approaches +fast." + +"Ah, my lord, what do you intend to do?" + +"You will know when it is necessary that you should know. I wish you +no harm, and pledge you my honour, as a loyal knight, that I will +almost thoroughly respect you, and be forever silent concerning my +discomfiture. In short, you will know that the Duc d'Orleans has a +good heart, and revenges himself nobly on ladies who treat him with +disdain, by placing in their hands the key of Paradise. Only keep your +ears open to the joyous words that will be handed from mouth to mouth +in the next room, and cough not if you love your children." + +Since there was no egress from the royal chamber, and the bars +crossing hardly left room to put one's head through, the good prince +closed the door of the room, certain of keeping the lady a safe +prisoner there, and again impressed upon her the necessity of silence. +Then came the merry blades in great haste, and found a good and +substantial supper smiling at them from the silver plates upon the +table, and the table well arranged and well lighted, loaded with fine +silver cups, and cups full of royal wine. Then said their master to +them-- + +"Come! Come! to your places my good friends. I was becoming very +weary. Thinking of you, I wished to arrange with you a merry feast +after the ancient method, when the Greeks and Romans said their Pater +noster to Master Priapus, and the learned god called in all countries +Bacchus. The feast will be proper and a right hearty one, since at our +libation there will be present some pretty crows with three beaks, of +which I know from great experience the best one to kiss." + +Then all of them recognising their master in all things, took pleasure +in this discourse, except Raoul d'Hocquetonville, who advanced and +said to the prince-- + +"My lord, I will aid you willingly in any battle but that of the +petticoats, in that of spear and axe, but not of the wine flasks. My +good companions here present have not wives at home, it is otherwise +with me. I have a sweet wife, to whom I owe my company, and an account +of all my deeds and actions." + +"Then, since I am a married man I am to blame?" said the duke. + +"Ah! my dear master, you are a prince, and can do as you please." + +These brave speeches made, as you can imagine, the heart of the lady +prisoner hot and cold. + +"Ah! my Raoul," thought she, "thou art a noble man!" + +"You are," said the duke, "a man whom I love, and consider more +faithful and praiseworthy than any of my people. The others," said he, +looking at the three lords, "are wicked men. But, Raoul," he +continued, "sit thee down. When the linnets come--they are linnets of +high degree--you can make your way home. S'death! I had treated thee +as a virtuous man, ignorant of the extra-conjugal joys of love, and +had carefully put for thee in that room the queen of raptures--a fair +demon, in whom is concentrated all feminine inventions. I wished that +once in thy life thou, who has never tasted the essence of love, and +dreamed but of war, should know the secret marvels of the gallant +amusement, since it is shameful that one of my followers should serve +a fair lady badly." + +Thereupon the Sire d'Hocquetonville sat down to a table in order to +please his prince as far as he could lawfully do so. Then they all +commenced to laugh, joke, and talk about the ladies; and according to +their custom, they related to each other their good fortunes and their +love adventures, sparing no woman except the queen of the house, and +betraying the little habits of each one, to which followed horrible +little confidences, which increased in treachery and lechery as the +contents of the goblets grew less. The duke, gay as a universal +legatee, drew the guests out, telling lies himself to learn the truth +from them; and his companions ate at a trot, drank at a full gallop, +and their tongues rattled away faster than either. + +Now, listening to them, and heating his brain with wine, the Sire +d'Hocquetonville unharnessed himself little by little from the +reluctance. In spite of his virtues, he indulged certain desires, and +became soaked in these impurities like a saint who defiles himself +while saying his prayers. Perceiving which, the prince, on the alert +to satisfy his ire and his bile, began to say to him, joking him-- + +"By Saint Castud, Raoul, we are all tarred with the same brush, all +discreet away from here. Go; we will say nothing to Madame. By heaven! +man, I wish thee to taste of the joys of paradise. There," said he, +tapping the door of the room in which was Madame d'Hocquetonville, "in +there is a lady of the court and a friend of the queen, but the +greatest priestess of Venus that ever was, and her equal is not to be +found in any courtesan, harlot, dancer, doxy, or hussy. She was +engendered at a moment when paradise was radiant with joy, when nature +was procreating, when the planets were whispering vows of love, when +the beasts were frisking and capering, and everything was aglow with +desire. Although the women make an altar of her bed, she is +nevertheless too great a lady to allow herself to be seen, and too +well known to utter any words but the sounds of love. No light will +you need, for her eyes flash fire, and attempt no conversation, since +she speaks only with movements and twistings more rapid than those of +a deer surprised in the forest. Only, my dear Raoul, but so merry a +nag look to your stirrups, sit light in the saddle, since with one +plunge she would hurl thee to the ceiling, if you are not careful. She +burns always, and is always longing for male society. Our poor dead +friend, the young Sire de Giac, met his death through her; she drained +his marrow in one springtime. God's truth! to know such bliss as that +of which she rings the bells and lights the fires, what man would not +forfeit a third of his future happiness? and he who has known her once +would for a second night forfeit without regret eternity." + +"But," said Raoul, "in things which should be so much alike, how is it +that there is so great a difference?" + +"Ha! Ha! Ha!" + +Thereupon the company burst out laughing, and animated by the wine and +a wink from their master, they all commenced relating droll and quaint +conceits, laughing, shouting, and making a great noise. Now, knowing +not that an innocent scholar was there, these jokers, who had drowned +their sense of shame in the wine-cups, said things to make the figures +on the mantel shake, the walls and the ceilings blush; and the duke +surpassed them all, saying, that the lady who was in bed in the next +room awaiting a gallant should be the empress of these warm +imaginations, because she practised them every night. Upon this the +flagons being empty, the duke pushed Raoul, who let himself be pushed +willingly, into the room, and by this means the prince compelled the +lady to deliberate by which dagger she would live or die. At midnight +the Sire d'Hocquetonville came out gleefully, not without remorse at +having been false to his good wife. Then the Duc d'Orleans led Madame +d'Hocquetonville out by a garden door, so that she gained her +residence before her husband arrived here. + +"This," said she, in the prince's ear, as she passed the postern, +"will cost us all dear." + +One year afterwards, in the old Rue du Temple, Raoul d'Hocquetonville, +who had quitted the service of the Duke for that of Jehan of Burgundy, +gave the king's brother a blow on the head with a club, and killed +him, as everyone knows. In the same year died the Lady +d'Hocquetonville, having faded like a flower deprived of air and eaten +by a worm. Her good husband had engraved upon her marble tomb, which +is in one of the cloisters of Peronne, the following inscription-- + + + HERE LIES + BERTHA DE BOURGONGE + THE NOBLE AND COMELY WIFE + OF + RAOUL, SIRE DE HOCQUETONVILLE. + + ALAS! PRAY NOT FOR HER SOUL + SHE + BLOSSOMED AGAIN IN PARADISE + THE ELEVENTH DAY OF JANUARY + IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD MCCCCVIII., + IN THE TWENTY-THIRD YEAR OF HER AGE, + LEAVING TWO SONS AND HER LORD SPOUSE + INCONSOLABLE. + + +This epitaph was written in elegant Latin, but for the convenience of +all it was necessary to translate it, although the word comely is +feeble beside that of formosa, which signifies beautiful in shape. The +Duke of Burgundy, called the Fearless, in whom previous to his death +the Sire d'Hocquetonville confided the troubles cemented with lime and +sand in his heart, used to say, in spite of his hardheartedness in +these matters, that this epitaph plunged him into a state of +melancholy for a month, and that among all the abominations of his +cousin of Orleans, there was one for which he would kill him over +again if the deed had not already been done, because this wicked man +had villianously defaced with vice the most divine virtue in the world +and had prostituted two noble hearts, the one by the other. When +saying this he would think of the lady of Hocquetonville and of his +own, which portrait had been unwarrantably placed in the cabinet where +his cousin placed the likeness of his wenches. + +The adventure was so extremely shocking, that when it was related by +the Count de Charolois to the Dauphin, afterwards Louis XI., the +latter would not allow his secretaries to publish it in his +collection, out of respect for his great uncle the Duke d'Orleans, and +for Dunois his old comrade, the son of the same. But the person of the +lady of Hocquetonville is so sublimely virtuous, so exquisitely +melancholy, that in her favour the present publication of this +narrative will be forgiven, in spite of the diabolical invention and +vengeance of Monseigneur d'Orleans. The just death of this rascal +nevertheless caused many serious rebellions, which finally Louis XI., +losing all patience, put down with fire and sword. + +This shows us that there is a woman at the bottom of everything, in +France as elsewhere, and that sooner or later we must pay for our +follies. + + + + THE DANGER OF BEING TOO INNOCENT + +The Lord of Montcontour was a brave soldier of Tours, who in honour of +the battle gained by the Duke of Anjou, afterwards our right glorious +king, caused to be built at Vouvray the castle thus named, for he had +borne himself most bravely in that affair, where he overcame the +greatest of heretics, and from that was authorised to take the name. +Now this said captain had two sons, good Catholics, of whom the eldest +was in favour at court. After the peace, which was concluded before +the stratagem arranged for St Bartholomew's Day, the good man returned +to his manor, which was not ornamented as it is at the present day. +There he received the sad announcement of the death of his son, slain +in a duel by the lord of Villequier. The poor father was the more cut +up at this, as he had arranged a capital marriage for the said son +with a young lady of the male branch of Amboise. Now, by this death +most piteously inopportune, vanished all the future and advantages of +his family, of which he wished to make a great and noble house. With +this idea, he had put his other son in a monastery, under the guidance +and government of a man renowned for his holiness, who brought him up +in a Christian manner, according to the desire of his father, who +wished from high ambition to make him a cardinal of renown. For this +the good abbot kept the young man in a private house, and had to sleep +by his side in his cell, allowed no evil weeds to grow in his mind, +brought him up in purity of soul and true condition, as all priests +should be. This said clerk, when turned nineteen years, knew no other +love than the love of God, no other nature than that of the angels who +had not our carnal properties, in order that they may live in purity, +seeing that otherwise they would make good use of them. The which the +King on high, who wished to have His pages always proper, was afraid +of. He has done well, because His good little people cannot drink in +dram shops or riot in brothels as ours do. He is divinely served; but +then remember, He is Lord of all. Now in this plight the lord of +Montcontour determined to withdraw his second son from the cloister, +and invest him with the purple of the soldier and courtier, in the +place of the ecclesiastical purple; and determined to give him in +marriage to the maiden, affianced to the dead man, which was wisely +determined because wrapped round with continence and sobriety in all +ways as was the little monk, the bride would be as well used and +happier than she would have been with the elder, already well hauled +over, upset, and spoiled by the ladies of the court. The befrocked, +unfrocked, and very sheepish in his ways, followed the sacred wishes +of his father, and consented to the said marriage without knowing what +a wife, and--what is more curious--what a girl was. By chance, his +journey having been hindered by the troubles and marches of +conflicting parties, this innocent--more innocent than it is lawful +for a man to be innocent--only came to the castle of Montcontour the +evening before the wedding, which was performed with dispensations +bought in by the archbishopric of Tours. It is necessary here to +describe the bride. Her mother, long time a widow, lived in the House +of M. de Braguelongne, civil lieutenant of the Chatelet de Paris, +whose wife lived with lord of Lignieres, to the great scandal of the +period. But everyone then had so many joists in his own eye that he +had no right to notice the rafters in the eyes of others. Now, in all +families people go to perdition, without noticing their neighbours, +some at an amble, others at a gentle trot, many at a gallop, and a +small number walking, seeing that the road is all downhill. Thus in +these times the devil had many a good orgy in all things, since that +misconduct was fashionable. The poor old lady Virtue had retired +trembling, no one knew whither, but now here, now there, lived +miserably in company with honest women. + +In the most noble house Amboise there still lived the Dowager of +Chaumont, an old woman of well proved virtue, in whom had retired all +the religion and good conduct of this fine family. The said lady had +taken to her bosom, from the age of ten years, the little maiden who +is concerned in this adventure, and who had never caused Madame +Amboise the least anxiety, but left her free in her movements, and she +came to see her daughter once a year, when the court passed that way. +In spite of this high maternal reserve, Madame Amboise was invited to +her daughter's wedding, and also the lord of Braguelongne, by the good +old soldier, who knew his people. But the dear dowager came not to +Montcontour, because she could not obtain relief from her sciatica, +her cold, nor the state of her legs, which gamboled no longer. Over +this the good woman cried copiously. It hurt her much to let go into +the dangers of the court and of life this gentle maiden, as pretty as +it was possible for a pretty girl to be, but she was obliged to give +her her wings. But it was not without promising her many masses and +orisons every evening for her happiness. And comforted a little, the +good old lady began to think that the staff of her old age was passing +into the hands of a quasi-saint, brought up to do good by the +above-mentioned abbot, with whom she was acquainted, the which had +aided considerably in the prompt exchange of spouses. At length, +embracing her with tears, the virtuous dowager made those last +recommendations to her that ladies make to young brides, as that she +ought to be respectful to his mother, and obey her husband in +everything. + +Then the maid arrived with a great noise, conducted by servants, +chamberlains, grooms, gentlemen, and people of the house of Chaumont, +so that you would have imagined her suite to be that of a cardinal +legate. So arrived the two spouses the evening before marriage. Then, +the feasting over, they were married with great pomp on the Lord's +Day, a mass being said at the castle by the Bishop of Blois, who was a +great friend of the lord of Montcontour; in short, the feasting, the +dancing, and the festivities of all sorts lasted till the morning. But +on the stroke of midnight the bridesmaids went to put the bride to +bed, according to the custom of Touraine; and during this time they +kept quarrelling with the innocent husband, to prevent him going to +this innocent wife, who sided with them from ignorance. However, the +good lord of Montcontour interrupted the jokers and the wits, because +it was necessary that his son should occupy himself in well-doing. +Then went the innocent into the chamber of his wife, whom he thought +more beautiful than the Virgin Mary painted in Italian, Flemish, and +other pictures, at whose feet he had said his prayers. But you may be +sure he felt very much embarrassed at having so soon become a husband, +because he knew nothing of his business, and saw that certain forms +had to be gone through concerning which from great and modest reserve, +he had no time to question even his father, who had said sharply to +him-- + +"You know what you have to do; be valiant therein." + +Then he saw the gentle girl who was given him, comfortably tucked up +in the bedclothes, terribly curious, her head buried under, but +hazarding a glance as at the point of a halberd, and saying to +herself-- + +"I must obey him." + +And knowing nothing, she awaited the will of this slightly +ecclesiastical gentleman, to whom, in fact, she belonged. Seeing +which, the Chevalier de Montcontour came close to the bed, scratched +his ear, and knelt down, a thing in which he was expert. + +"Have you said your prayers?" said he. + +"No," said she; "I have forgotten them. Do wish me to say them?" + +Then the young couple commenced the business of a housekeeping by +imploring God, which was not at all out of place. But unfortunately +the devil heard, and at once replied to their requests, God being much +occupied at that time with the new and abominable reformed religion. + +"What did they tell you to do?" said the husband. + +"To love you," said she, in perfect innocence. + +"This has not been told to me; but I love you, I am ashamed to say, +better than I love God." + +This speech did not alarm the bride. + +"I should like," said the husband, "to repose myself in your bed, if +it will not disturb you." + +"I will make room for you willingly because I am to submit myself to +you." + +"Well," said he, "don't look at me again. I'm going to take my clothes +off, and come." + +At this virtuous speech, the young damsel turned herself towards the +wall in great expectation, seeing that it was for the very first time +that she was about to find herself separated from a man by the +confines of a shirt only. Then came the innocent, gliding into bed, +and thus they found themselves, so to speak, united, but far from what +you can imagine what. Did you ever see a monkey brought from across +the seas, who for the first time is given a nut to crack? This ape, +knowing by high apish imagination how delicious is the food hidden +under the shell, sniffs and twists himself about in a thousand apish +ways, saying, I know not what, between his chattering jaws. Ah! with +what affection he studies it, with what study he examines it, in what +examination he holds it, then throws it, rolls and tosses it about +with passion, and often, when it is an ape of low extraction and +intelligence, leaves the nut. As much did the poor innocent who, +towards the dawn, was obliged to confess to his dear wife that, not +knowing how to perform his office, or what that office was, or where +to obtain the said office, it would be necessary for him to inquire +concerning it, and have help and aid. + +"Yes," said she; "since, unhappily, I cannot instruct you." + +In fact, in spite of their efforts, essay of all kinds--in spite of a +thousand things which the innocents invent, and which the wise in +matters of love know nothing about--the pair dropped off to sleep, +wretched at having been unable to discover the secret of marriage. But +they wisely agreed to say that they had done so. When the wife got up, +still a maiden, seeing that she had not been crowned, she boasted of +her night, and said she had the king of husbands, and went on with her +chattering and repartee as briskly as those who know nothing of these +things. Then everyone found the maiden a little too sharp, since for a +two-edged joke a lady of Roche-Corbon having incited a young maiden, +de la Bourdaisiere, who knew nothing of such things, to ask the +bride-- + +"How many loaves did your husband put in the oven?" + +"Twenty-four," she replied. + +Now, as the bridegroom was roaming sadly about, thereby distressing +his wife, who followed him with her eyes, hoping to see his state of +innocence come to an end, the ladies believed that the joy of that +night had cost him dear, and that the said bride was already +regretting having so quickly ruined him. And at breakfast came the bad +jokes, which at that time were relished as excellent, one said that +the bride had an open expression; another, that there had been some +good strokes of business done that night in the castle; this one, that +the oven had been burned; that one that the two families have lost +something that night that they would never find again. And a thousand +other jokes, stupidities, and double meanings that, unfortunately the +husband did not understand. But on account of the great affluence of +the relations, neighbours, and others, no one had been to bed; all had +danced, rollicked, and frolicked, as is the custom at noble weddings. + +At this was quite contented my said Sieur de Braguelongne, upon whom +my lady of Amboise, excited by the thought of the good things which +were happening to her daughter, cast the glances of a falcon in +matters of gallant assignation. The poor Lieutenant civil, learned in +bailiffs' men and sergeants, and who nabbed all the pickpockets and +scamps of Paris, pretended not to see his good fortune, although his +good lady required him to do. You may be sure this great lady's love +weighed heavily upon him, so he only kept to her from a spirit of +justice, because it was not seeming in a lieutenant judiciary to +change his mistresses as often as a man at court, because he had under +his charge morals, the police and religion. This not withstanding his +rebellion must come to an end. On the day after the wedding a great +number of the guests departed; then Madame d'Amboise and Monsieur de +Braguelongne could go to bed, their guests having decamped. Sitting +down to supper, the lieutenant received a half-verbal summons to which +it was not becoming, as in legal matters, to oppose any reasons for +delay. + +During supper the said lady d'Amboise made more than a hundred little +signs in order to draw the good Braguelongne from the room where he +was with the bride, but out came instead of the lieutenant the +husband, to walk about in company with the mother of his sweet wife. +Now, in the mind of this innocent there had sprung up like a mushroom +an expedient--namely, to interrogate this good lady, whom he +considered discreet, for remembering the religious precepts of his +abbot, who had told him to inquire concerning all things of old people +expert in the ways of life, he thought of confiding his case to the +said lady d'Amboise. But he made first awkwardly and shyly certain +twists and turns, finding no terms in which to unfold his case. And +the lady was also perfectly silent, since she was outrageously struck +with the blindness, deafness and voluntary paralysis of the lord of +Braguelongne; and said to herself, walking by the side of this +delicate morsel, a young innocent of whom she did not think, little +imagining that this cat so well provided with young bacon could think +of old-- + +"This Ho, Ho, with a beard of flies' legs, a flimsy, old, grey, +ruined, shaggy beard--beard without comprehension, beard without +shame, without any feminine respect--beard which pretends neither to +feel nor to hear, nor to see, a pared away beard, a beaten down, +disordered, gutted beard. May the Italian sickness deliver me from +this vile joker with a squashed nose, fiery nose, frozen nose, nose +without religion, nose dry as a lute table, pale nose, nose without a +soul, nose which is nothing but a shadow; nose which sees not, nose +wrinkled like the leaf of a vine; nose that I hate, old nose, nose +full of mud--dead nose. Where had my eyes been to attach myself to +truffle nose, to this old hulk that no longer knows his way? I give my +share to the devil of this juiceless beard, of this grey beard, of +this monkey face, of these old tatters, of this old rag of a man, of +this--I know not what; and I'll take a young husband who'll marry me +properly, and . . . and often--every day--and well--" + +In this wise train of thought was she when the innocent began his +anthem to this woman, so warmly excited, who at the first paraphrase +took fire in her understanding, like a piece of old touchwood from the +carbine of a soldier; and finding it wise to try her son-in-law, said +to herself-- + +"Ah! young beard, sweet scented! Ah! pretty new nose--fresh beard +--innocent nose--virgin appeared--nose full of joy it--beard of +springtime, small key of love!" + +She kept on talking the round of the garden, which was long, and then +arranged with the Innocent that, night come, he should sally forth +from his room and get into hers, where she engaged to render him more +learned than ever was his father. And the husband was well content, +and thanked Madame d'Amboise, begging her to say nothing of this +arrangement. + +During this time the good old Braguelongne had been growling and +saying to himself, "Old ha, ha! old ho, ho! May the plague take thee! +may a cancer eat thee!--worthless old currycomb! old slipper, too big +for the foot! old arquebus! ten year old codfish! old spider that +spins no more! old death with open eyes! old devil's cradle! vile +lantern of an old town-crier too! Old wretch whose look kills! old +moustache of an old theriacler! old wretch to make dead men weep! old +organ-pedal! old sheath with a hundred knives! old church porch, worn +out by the knees! old poor-box in which everyone has dropped. I'll +give all my future to be quit of thee!" As he finished these gentle +thoughts the pretty bride, who was thinking of her young husband's +great sorrow at not knowing the particulars of that essential item of +marriage, and not having the slightest idea what it was, thought to +save him much tribulation, shame, and labour by instructing herself. +And she counted upon much astonishing and rejoicing him the next night +when she should say to him, teaching him his duty, "That's the thing +my love!" Brought up in great respect of old people by her dear +dowager, she thought of inquiring of this good man in her sweetest +manner to distil for her the sweet mysteries of the commerce. Now, the +lord of Braguelongne, ashamed of being lost in sad contemplation of +this evening's work, and of saying nothing to his gay companion, put +this summary interrogation to the fair bride--"If she was not happy +with so good a young husband--" + +"He is very good," said she. + +"Too good, perhaps," said the lieutenant smiling. + +To be brief, matters were so well arranged between them that the Lord +engaged to spare no pains to enlighten the understanding of Madame +d'Amboise's daughter-in-law, who promised to come and study her lesson +in his room. The said lady d'Amboise pretended after supper to play +terrible music in a high key to Monsieur Braguelongne saying that he +had no gratitude for the blessings she had brought him--her position, +her wealth, her fidelity, etc. In fact, she talked for half an hour +without having exhausted a quarter of her ire. From this a hundred +knives were drawn between them, but they kept the sheaths. Meanwhile +the spouses in bed were arranging to themselves how to get away, in +order to please each other. Then the innocent began to say he fell +quite giddy, he knew not from what, and wanted to go into the open +air. And his maiden wife told him to take a stroll in the moonlight. +And then the good fellow began to pity his wife in being left alone a +moment. At her desire, both of them at different times left their +conjugal couch and came to their preceptors, both very impatient, as +you can well believe; and good instruction was given to them. How? I +cannot say, because everyone has his own method and practice, and of +all sciences this is the most variable in principle. You may be sure +that never did scholars receive more gayly the precepts of any +language, grammar, or lessons whatsoever. And the two spouses returned +to their nest, delighted at being able to communicate to each other +the discoveries of their scientific peregrinations. + +"Ah, my dear," said the bride, "you already know more than my master." + +From these curious tests came their domestic joy and perfect fidelity; +because immediately after their entry into the married state they +found out how much better each of them was adapted for love than +anyone else, their masters included. Thus for the remainder of their +days they kept to the legitimate substance of their own persons; and +the lord of Montcontour said in old age to his friends-- + +"Do like me, be cuckolds in the blade, and not in the sheath." + +Which is the true morality of the conjugal condition. + + + + THE DEAR NIGHT OF LOVE + +In that winter when commenced that first taking up of arms by those of +the religion, which was called the Riot of Amboise, an advocate, named +Avenelles, lent his house, situated in the Rue des Marmousets for the +interviews and conventions of the Huguenots, being one of them, +without knowing, however, that the Prince of Conde, La Regnaudie, and +others, intended to carry off the king. + +The said Avenelles wore a nasty red beard, as shiny as a stick of +liquorice, and was devilishly pale, as are all the rogues who take +refuge in the darkness of the law; in short, the most evil-minded +advocate that has ever lived, laughing at the gallows, selling +everybody, and a true Judas. According to certain authors of a great +experience in subtle rogues he was in this affair, half knave, half +fool, as it is abundantly proved by this narrative. This procureur had +married a very lovely lady of Paris, of whom he was jealous enough to +kill her for a pleat in the sheets, for which she could not account, +which would have been wrong, because honest creases are often met +with. But she folded her clothes very well, so there's the end of the +matter. Be assured that, knowing the murderous and evil nature of this +man, his wife was faithful enough to him, always ready, like a +candlestick, arranged for her duty like a chest which never moves, and +opens to order. Nevertheless, the advocate had placed her under the +guardianship and pursuing eye of an old servant, a duenna as ugly as a +pot without a handle, who had brought up the Sieur Avenelles, and was +very fond of him. His poor wife, for all pleasure in her cold domestic +life, used to go to the Church of St. Jehan, on the Place de Greve, +where, as everyone knows, the fashionable world was accustomed to +meet; and while saying her paternosters to God she feasted her eyes +upon all these gallants, curled, adorned, and starched, young, comely, +and flitting about like true butterflies, and finished by picking out +from among the lot a good gentleman, lover of the queen-mother, and a +handsome Italian, with whom she was smitten because he was in the May +of his age, nobly dressed, a graceful mover, brave in mien, and was +all that a lover should be to bestow a heart full of love upon an +honest married woman too tightly squeezed by the bonds of matrimony, +which torment her, and always excite her to unharness herself from the +conjugal yoke. And you can imagine that the young gentleman grew to +admire Madame, whose silent love spoke secretly to him, without either +the devil or themselves knowing how. Both one and the other had their +correspondence of love. At first, the advocate's wife adorned herself +only to come to church, and always came in some new sumptuosity; and +instead of thinking of God, she made God angry by thinking of her +handsome gentleman, and leaving her prayers, she gave herself up to +the fire which consumed her heart, and moistened her eyes, her lips, +and everything, seeing that this fire always dissolves itself in +water; and often said to herself: "Ha! I would give my life for a +single embrace with this pretty lover who loves me." Often, too, in +place of saying her litanies to Madame the Virgin, she thought in her +heart: "To feel the glorious youth of this gentle lover, to have the +full joys of love, to taste all in one moment, little should I mind +the flames into which the heretics are thrown." Then the gentleman +gazing at the charms of this good wife, and her burning blushes when +he glanced at her, came always close to her stool, and addressed to +her those requests which the ladies understand so well. Then he said +aside to himself: "By the double horn on my father, I swear to have +the woman, though it cost me my life." + +And when the duenna turned her head, the two lovers squeezed, pressed, +breathed, ate, devoured, and kissed each other by a look which would +have set light to the match of a musketeer, if the musketeer had been +there. It was certain that a love so far advanced in the heart should +have an end. The gentleman dressed as a scholar of Montaign, began to +regale the clerks of the said Avenelles, and to joke in the company, +in order to learn the habits of the husband, his hours of absence, his +journeys, and everything, watching for an opportunity to stick his +horns on. And this was how, to his injury, the opportunity occurred. +The advocate, obliged to follow the course of this conspiracy, and, in +case of failure, intending to revenge himself upon the Guises, +determined to go to Blois, where the court then was in great danger of +being carried off. Knowing this, the gentleman came first to the town +of Blois, and there arranged a master-trap, into which the Sieur +Avenelles should fall, in spite of his cunning, and not come out until +steeped in a crimson cuckoldom. The said Italian, intoxicated with +love, called together all his pages and vassals, and posted them in +such a manner that on the arrival of the advocate, his wife, and her +duenna, it was stated to them at all the hostelries at which they +wished to put up that the hostelry being full, in consequence of the +sojourn of the court, they must go elsewhere. Then the gentleman made +such an arrangement with the landlord of the Soleil Royal, that he had +the whole of the house, and occupied, without any of the usual +servants of the place remaining there. For greater security, my lord +sent the said master and his people into the country, and put his own +in their places, so that the advocate should know nothing of this +arrangement. Behold my good gentleman who lodges his friends to come +to the court in the hostelry, and for himself keeps a room situated +above those in which he intends to put his lovely mistress, her +advocate, and the duenna, not without first having cut a trap in the +boards. And his steward being charged to play the part of the +innkeeper, his pages dressed like guests, and his female servants like +servants of the inn, he waited for spies to convey to him the dramatis +personae of this farce--viz., wife, husband, and duenna, none of whom +failed to come. Seeing the immense wealth of the great lords, +merchants, warriors, members of the service, and others, brought by +the sojourn of the young king, of two queens, the Guises, and all the +court, no one had a right to be astonished or to talk of the roguish +trap, or of the confusion come to the Soleil Royal. Behold now the +Sieur Avenelles, on his arrival, bundled about, he, his wife and the +duenna from inn to inn, and thinking themselves very fortunate in +being received at the Soleil Royal, where the gallant was getting +warm, and love was burning. The advocate, being lodged, the lover +walked about the courtyard, watching and waiting for a glance from the +lady; and he did not have to wait very long, since the fair Avenelles, +looking soon into the court, after the custom of the ladies, there +recognised not without great throbbing of the heart, her gallant and +well-beloved gentleman. At that she was very happy; and if by a lucky +chance both had been alone together for an ounce of time, that good +gentleman would not have had to wait for his good fortune, so burning +was she from head to foot. + +"How warm it is in the rays of this lord," said she, meaning to say +sun, since it was then shining fiercely. + +Hearing this, the advocate sprang to the window, and beheld my +gentleman. + +"Ha! you want lords, my dear, do you?" said the advocate, dragging her +by the arm, and throwing her like one of his bags on to the bed. +"Remember that if I have a pencase at my side instead of a sword, I +have a penknife in this pencase, and that penknife will go into your +heart on the least suspicion of conjugal impropriety. I believe I have +seen that gentleman somewhere." + +The advocate was so terribly spiteful that the lady rose, and said to +him-- + +"Well, kill me. I am not afraid of deceiving you. Never touch me +again, after having thus menaced me. And from to-day I shall never +think of sleeping save with a lover more gentle than you are." + +"There, there, my little one!" said the advocate, surprised. "We have +gone a little too far. Kiss me, chick-a-biddy, and forgive me." + +"I will neither kiss nor pardon you," said she "You are a wretch!" + +Avenelles, enraged, wished to take by force that which his wife denied +him, and from this resulted a combat, from which the husband emerged +clawed all over. But the worst of it was, that the advocate, covered +with scratches, being expected by the conspirators, who were holding a +council, was obliged to quit his good wife, leaving her to the care of +the old woman. + +The knave having departed, the gentleman putting one of his servants +to keep watch at the corner of the street, mounts to his blessed trap, +lifts it noiselessly, and calls the lady by a gentle psit! psit! which +was understood by the heart, which generally understands everything. +The lady lifts her head, and sees her pretty lover four flea jumps +above her. Upon a sign, she takes hold of two cords of black silk, to +which were attached loops, through which she passes her arms, and in +the twinkling of an eye is translated by two pulleys from her bed +through the ceiling into the room above, and the trap closing as it +has opened, left the old duenna in a state of great flabbergastation, +when, turning her head, she neither saw robe nor woman, and perceived +that the women had been robbed. How? by whom? in what way? where? +--Presto! Foro! Magico! As much knew the alchemists at their furnaces +reading Herr Trippa. Only the old woman knew well the crucible, and +the great work--the one was cuckoldom, and the other the private +property of Madame Advocate. She remained dumbfounded, watching for +the Sieur Avenelles--as well say death, for in his rage he would +attack everything, and the poor duenna could not run away, because +with great prudence the jealous man had taken the keys with him. At +first sight, Madame Avenelles found a dainty supper, a good fire in +the grate, but a better in the heart of her lover, who seized her, and +kissed her, with tears of joy, on the eyes first of all, to thank them +for their sweet glances during devotion at the church of St Jehan en +Greve. Nor did the glowing better half of the lawyer refuse her little +mouth to his love, but allowed herself to be properly pressed, adored, +caressed, delighting to be properly pressed, admirably adored, and +calorously caressed after the manner of eager lovers. And both agreed +to be all in all to each other the whole night long, no matter what +the result might be, she counting the future as a fig in comparison +with the joys of this night, he relying upon his cunning and his sword +to obtain many another. In short, both of them caring little for life, +because at one stroke they consummated a thousand lives, enjoyed with +each other a thousand delights, giving to each other the double of +their own--believing, he and she, that they were falling into an +abyss, and wishing to roll there closely clasped, hurling all the love +of their souls with rage in one throw. Therein they loved each other +well. Thus they knew not love, the poor citizens, who live +mechanically with their good wives, since they know not the fierce +beating of the heart, the hot gush of life, and the vigorous clasp as +of two young lovers, closely united and glowing with passion, who +embrace in face of the danger of death. Now the youthful lady and the +gentleman ate little supper, but retired early to rest. Let us leave +them there, since no words, except those of paradise unknown to us, +would describe their delightful agonies, and agonising delights. +Meanwhile, the husband, so well cuckolded that all memory of marriage +had been swept away by love,--the said Avenelles found himself in a +great fix. To the council of the Huguenots came the Prince of Conde, +accompanied by all the chiefs and bigwigs, and there it was resolved +to carry off the queen-mother, the Guises, the young king, the young +queen, and to change the government. This becoming serious, the +advocate seeing his head at stake, did not feel the ornaments being +planted there, and ran to divulge the conspiracy to the cardinal of +Lorraine, who took the rogue to the duke, his brother, and all three +held a consultation, making fine promises to the Sieur Avenelles, whom +with the greatest difficulty they allowed, towards midnight, to +depart, at which hour he issued secretly from the castle. At this +moment the pages of the gentleman and all his people were having a +right jovial supper in honour of the fortuitous wedding of their +master. Now, arriving at the height of the festivities, in the middle +of the intoxication and joyous huzzahs, he was assailed with jeers, +jokes, and laughter that turned him sick when he came into his room. +The poor servant wished to speak, but the advocate promptly planted a +blow in her stomach, and by a gesture commanded her to be silent. Then +he felt in his valise, and took therefrom a good poniard. While he was +opening and shutting it, a frank, naive, joyous, amorous, pretty, +celestial roar of laughter, followed by certain words of easy +comprehension, came down through the trap. The cunning advocate, +blowing out his candle, saw through the cracks in the boards caused by +the shrinking of the door a light, which vaguely explained the mystery +to him, for he recognised the voice of his wife, and that of the +combatant. The husband took the duenna by the arm, and went softly at +the stairs searching for the door of the chamber in which were the +lovers, and did not fail to find it. Fancy! that like a horrid, rude +advocate, he burst open the door, and with one spring was on the bed, +in which he surprised his wife, half dressed, in the arms of the +gentleman. + +"Ah!" said she. + +The lover having avoided the blow, tried to snatch the poniard from +the hands of the knave, who held it firmly. + +Now, in this struggle of life and death, the husband finding himself +hindered by his lieutenant, who clutched him tightly with his fingers +of iron, and bitten by his wife, who tore away at him with a will, +gnawing him as a dog gnaws a bone, he thought instantly of a better +way to gratify his rage. Then the devil, newly horned, maliciously +ordered, in his patois, the servants to tie the lovers with the silken +cords of the trap, and throwing the poniard away, he helped the duenna +to make them fast. And the thing thus done in a moment, he rammed some +linen into their mouths to stop their cries, and ran to his good +poniard without saying a word. At this moment there entered several +officers of the Duke of Guise, whom during the struggle no one had +heard turning the house upside down, looking for the Sieur Avenelles. +These soldiers, suddenly warned by the cries of the pages of the lord, +bound, gagged and half killed, threw themselves between the man with +the poniard and the lovers, disarmed him, and accomplished their +mission by arresting him, and marching him off to the castle prison, +he, his wife, and the duenna. At the same time the people of the +Guises, recognising one of their master's friends, with whom at this +moment the queen was most anxious to consult, and whom they were +enjoined to summon to the council, invited him to come with them. Then +the gentleman soon untied, dressing himself, said aside to the chief +of the escort, that on his account, for the love for him, he should be +careful to keep the husband away from his wife, promising him his +favour, good advancement, and even a few deniers, if he were careful +to obey him on this point. And for greater surety he explained to him +the why and the wherefore of the affair, adding that if the husband +found himself within reach of this fair lady he would give her for +certain a blow in the belly from which she would never recover. +Finally he ordered him to place the lady in the jail of the castle, in +a pleasant place level with gardens, and the advocate in a safe +dungeon, not without chaining him hand and foot. The which the said +office promised, and arranged matters according to the wish of the +gentleman, who accompanied the lady as far as the courtyard of the +castle, assuring her that this business would make her a widow, and +that he would perhaps espouse her in legitimate marriage. In fact, the +Sieur Avenelles was thrown into a damp dungeon, without air, and his +pretty wife placed in a room above him, out of consideration for her +lover, who was the Sieur Scipion Sardini, a noble of Lucca, +exceedingly rich, and, as has been before stated, a friend of Queen +Catherine de Medici, who at that time did everything in concert with +the Guises. Then he went up quickly to the queen's apartments, where a +great secret council was then being held, and there the Italian +learned what was going on, and the danger of the court. Monseigneur +Sardini found the privy counsellors much embarrassed and surprised at +this dilemma, but he made them all agree, telling them to turn it to +their own advantage; and to his advice was due the clever idea of +lodging the king in the castle of Amboise, in order to catch the +heretics there like foxes in a bag, and there to slay them all. +Indeed, everyone knows how the queen-mother and Guises dissimulated, +and how the Riot of Amboise terminated. This is not, however, the +subject of the present narrative. When in the morning everyone had +quitted the chamber of the queen-mother, where everything had been +arranged, Monseigneur Sardini, in no way oblivious of his love for the +fair Avenelles, although he was at the time deeply smitten with the +lovely Limeuil, a girl belonging to the queen-mother, and her relation +by the house of La Tour de Turenne, asked why the good Judas had been +caged. Then the Cardinal of Lorraine told him his intention was not in +any way to harm the rogue, but that fearing his repentance, and for +greater security of his silence until the end of the affair, he put +him out of the way, and would liberate him at the proper time. + +"Liberate him!" said the Luccanese. "Never! Put him in a sack, and +throw the old black gown into the Loire. In the first place I know +him; he is not the man to forgive you his imprisonment, and will +return to the Protestant Church. Thus this will be a work pleasant to +God, to rid him of a heretic. Then no one will know your secrets, and +not one of his adherents will think of asking you what has become of +him, because he is a traitor. Let me procure the escape of his wife +and arrange the rest; I will take it off your hands." + +"Ha, ha!" said the cardinal; "you give good council. Now I will, +before distilling your advice, have them both more securely guarded. +Hi, there!" + +Came an officer of police, who was ordered to let no person whoever he +might be, communicate with the two prisoners. Then the cardinal begged +Sardini to say at his hotel that the said advocate had departed from +Blois to return to his causes in Paris. The men charged with the +arrest of the advocate had received a verbal order to treat him as a +man of importance, so they neither stripped nor robbed him. Now the +advocate had kept thirty gold crowns in his purse, and resolved to +lose them all to assure his vengeance, and proved by good arguments to +the jailers that it was allowable for him to see his wife, on whom he +doted, and whose legitimate embrace he desired. Monseigneur Sardini, +fearing for his mistress the danger of the proximity of this red +learned rogue, and for her having great fear of certain evils, +determined to carry her off in the night, and put her in a place of +safety. Then he hired some boatmen and also their boat, placing them +near the bridge, and ordered three of his most active servants to file +the bars of the cell, seize the lady, and conduct her to the wall of +the gardens where he would await her. + +These preparations being made, and good files bought, he obtained an +interview in the morning with the queen-mother, whose apartments were +situated above the stronghold in which lay the said advocate and his +wife, believing that the queen would willingly lend herself to this +flight. Presently he was received by her, and begged her not to think +it wrong that, at the instigation of the cardinal and of the Duke of +Guise, he should deliver this lady; and besides this, urged her very +strongly to tell the cardinal to throw the man into the water. To +which the queen said "Amen." Then the lover sent quickly to his lady a +letter in a plate of cucumbers, to advise her of her approaching +widowhood, and the hour of flight, with all of which was the fair +citizen well content. Then at dusk the soldiers of the watch being got +out of the way by the queen, who sent them to look at a ray of the +moon, which frightened her, behold the servants raised the grating, +and caught the lady, who came quickly enough, and was led through the +house to Monseigneur Sardini. + +But the postern closed, and the Italian outside with the lady, behold +the lady throw aside her mantle, see the lady change into an advocate, +and see my said advocate seize his cuckolder by the collar, and half +strangle him, dragging him towards the water to throw him to the +bottom of the Loire; and Sardini began to defend himself, to shout, +and to struggle, without being able, in spite of his dagger, to shake +off this devil in long robes. Then he was quiet, falling into a slough +under the feet of the advocate, whom he recognised through the mists +of this diabolical combat, and by the light of the moon, his face +splashed with the blood of his wife. The enraged advocate quitted the +Italian, believing him to be dead, and also because servants armed +with torches, came running up. But he had to jump into the boat and +push off in great haste. + +Thus poor Madame Avenelles died alone, since Monseigneur Sardini, +badly strangled, was found, and revived from this murder; and later, +as everyone knows, married the fair Limeuil after this sweet girl had +been brought to bed in the queen's cabinet--a great scandal, which +from friendship the queen-mother wished to conceal, and which from +great love Sardini, to whom Catherine gave the splendid estate of +Chaumont-sur-Loire, and also the castle, covered with marriage. + +But he had been so brutally used by the husband, that he did not make +old bones, and the fair Limeuil was left a widow in her springtime. In +spite of his misdeeds the advocate was not searched after. He was +cunning enough eventually to get included in the number of those +conspirators who were not prosecuted, and returned to the Huguenots, +for whom he worked hard in Germany. + +Poor Madame Avenelles, pray for her soul! for she was hurled no one +knew where, and had neither the prayers of the Church nor Christian +burial. Alas! shed a tear for her, ye ladies lucky in your loves. + + + + THE SERMON OF THE MERRY VICAR OF MEUDON + +When, for the last time, came Master Francis Rabelais, to the court of +King Henry the Second of the name, it was in that winter when the will +of nature compelled him to quit for ever his fleshly garb, and live +forever in his writings resplendent with that good philosophy to which +we shall always be obliged to return. The good man had, at that time, +counted as nearly as possible seventy flights of the swallow. His +Homeric head was but scantily ornamented with hair, but his beard was +still perfect in its flowing majesty; there was still an air of +spring-time in his quiet smile, and wisdom on his ample brow. He was a +fine old man according to the statement of those who had the happiness +to gaze upon his face, to which Socrates and Aristophanes, formerly +enemies, but then become friends, contributed their features. Hearing +his last hours tinkling in his ears he determined to go and pay his +respects to the king of France, because he was having just at that +time arrived in his castle of Tournelles, the good man's house being +situated in the gardens of St Paul, was not a stone's throw distant +from the court. He soon found himself in the presence of Queen +Catherine, Madame Diana, whom she received from motives of policy, the +king, the constable, the cardinals of Lorraine and Bellay, Messieurs +de Guise, the Sieur de Birague, and other Italians, who at that time +stood well at court in consequence of the king's protection; the +admiral, Montgomery, the officers of the household, and certain poets, +such as Melin de St. Gelays, Philibert de l'Orme, and the Sieur +Brantome. + +Perceiving the good man, the king, who knew his wit, said to him, with +a smile, after a short conversation-- + +"Hast thou ever delivered a sermon to thy parishioners of Meudon?" + +Master Rabelais, thinking that the king was joking, since he had never +troubled himself further about his post than to collect the revenues +accruing from it, replied-- + +"Sire, my listeners are in every place, and my sermon heard throughout +Christendom." + +Then glancing at all the courtiers, who, with the exception of +Messieurs du Bellay and Chatillon, considered him to be nothing but a +learned merry-andrew, while he was really the king of all wits, and a +far better king than he whose crown only the courtiers venerate, there +came into the good man's head the malicious idea to philosophically +pump over their heads, just as it pleased Gargantua to give the +Parisians a bath from the turrets of Notre Dame, so he added-- + +"If you are in a good humour, sire, I can regale you with a capital +little sermon, always appropriate, and which I have kept under the +tympanum of my left ear in order to deliver it in a fit place, by way +of an aulic parable." + +"Gentlemen," said the king, "Master Francis Rabelais has the floor of +the court, and our salvation is concerned in his speech. Be silent, I +pray you, and give heed; he is fruitful in evangelical drolleries." + +"Sire," said the good vicar, "I commence." + +All the courtiers became silent, and arranged themselves into a +circle, pliant as osiers before the father of Pantagruel who unfolded +to them the following tale, in words the illustrious eloquence of +which it is impossible to equal. But since this tale has only been +verbally handed down to us, the author will be pardoned if he write +after his own fashion. + +"In his old age Gargantua took to strange habits, which greatly +astonished his household, but the which he was forgiven since he was +seven hundred and four years old, in spite of the statement of St. +Clement of Alexandra in his Stromates, which makes out that at this +time he was a quarter of a day less, which matters little to us. Now +this paternal master, seeing that everything was going wrong in his +house, and that every one was fleecing him, conceived a great fear +that he would in his last moments be stripped of everything, and +resolved to invent a more perfect system of management in his domains, +and he did well. In a cellar of Gargantuan abode he hid away a fine +heap of red wheat, beside twenty jars of mustard and several +delicacies, such as plums and Tourainian rolls, articles of a dessert, +Olivet cheese, goat cheese, and others, well known between Langeais +and Loches, pots of butter, hare pasties, preserved ducks, pigs' +trotters in bran, boatloads and pots full of crushed peas, pretty +little pots of Orleans quince preserve, hogsheads of lampreys, +measures of green sauce, river game, such as francolins, teal, +sheldrake, heron, and flamingo, all preserved in sea-salt, dried +raisins, tongues smoked in the manner invented by Happe-Mousche, his +celebrated ancestor, and sweetstuff for Garga-melle on feast days; and +a thousand other things which are detailed in the records of the +Ripuary laws and in certain folios of the Capitularies, Pragmatics, +royal establishments, ordinances and institutions of the period. To be +brief, the good man, putting his spectacles on his nose or his nose in +his spectacles, looked about for a fine flying dragon or unicorn to +whom the guard of this precious treasure could be committed. With this +thought in his head he strolled about the gardens. He did not desire a +Coquecigrue, because the Egyptians were afraid of them, as it appeared +in the Hieroglyphics. He dismissed the idea of engaging the legions of +Caucquemarres, because emperors disliked them and also the Romans +according to that sulky fellow Tacitus. He rejected the Pechrocholiers +in council assembled, the Magi, the Druids, the legion or Papimania, +and the Massorets, who grew like quelch-grass and over-ran all the +land, as he had been told by his son, Pantagruel, on his return from +his journey. The good man calling to mind old stories, had no +confidence in any race, and if it had been permissible would have +implored the Creator for a new one, but not daring to trouble Him +about such trifles, did not know whom to choose, and was thinking that +his wealth would be a great trouble to him, when he met in his path a +pretty little shrew-mouse of the noble race of shrew-mice, who bear +all gules on an azure ground. By the gods! be sure that it was a +splendid animal, with the finest tail of the whole family, and was +strutting about in the sun like a brave shrew-mouse. It was proud of +having been in this world since the Deluge, according to +letters-patent of indisputable nobility, registered by the parliament +of the universe, since it appears from the Ecumenical Inquiry a +shrew-mouse was in Noah's Ark." Here Master Alcofribas raised his cap +slightly, and said, reverently, "It was Noah, my lords, who planted +the vine, and first had the honour of getting drunk upon the juice of +its fruit." + +"For it is certain," he continued, "that a shrew-mouse was in the +vessel from which we all came; but the men have made bad marriages; +not so the mice, because they are more jealous of their coat of arms +than any other animals, and would not receive a field-mouse among +them, even though he had the especial gift of being able to convert +grains of sand to fine fresh hazelnuts. This fine gentlemanly +character so pleased the good Gargantua, that he decided to give the +post of watching his granaries to the shrew-mouse, with the most ample +of powers--of justice, comittimus, missi dominici, clergy, +men-at-arms, and all. The shrew-mouse promised faithfully to +accomplish his task, and to do his duty as a loyal beast, on condition +that he lived on a heap of grain, which Gargantua thought perfectly +fair. The shrew-mouse began to caper about in his domain as happy as a +prince who is happy, reconnoitering his immense empire of mustard, +countries of sugar, provinces of ham, duchies of raisins, counties of +chitterlings, and baronies of all sorts, scrambling on to the heap of +grain and frisking his tail against everything. To be brief, everywhere +was the shrew-mouse received with honour by the pots, which kept a +respectful silence, except two golden tankards, which knocked against +each other like the bells of a church ringing a tocsin, at which he was +much pleased, and thanked them, right and left, by a nod of the head, +while promenading in the rays of the sun, which were illuminating his +domain. Therein so splendidly did the brown colour of his hair shine +forth, that one would have thought him a northern king in his sable +furs. After his twists, turns, jumps and capers, he munched two grains +of corn, sat upon the heap like a king in full court, and fancied +himself the most illustrious of shrew-mice. At this moment they came +from their accustomed holes the gentlemen of the night-prowling court, +who scamper with their little feet across the floors; these gentlemen +being the rats, mice, and other gnawing, thieving, and crafty animals, +of whom the citizens and housewives complain. When they saw the +shrew-mouse they took fright, and all remained shyly at the threshold +of their dens. Among these common people, in spite of the danger, one +old infidel of the trotting, nibbling race of mice, advanced a little, +and putting his nose in the air, had the courage to stare my lord +shrew-mouse full in the face, although the latter was proudly squatted +upon his rump, with his tail in the air; and he came to the conclusion +that he was a devil, from whom nothing but scratches were to be gained. +And from these facts, Gargantua, in order that the high authority of +his lieutenant might be universally known by all of the shrew-mice, +cats, weasels, martins, field-mice, mice, rats, and other bad characters +of the same kidney, had lightly dipped his muzzle, pointed as a larding +pin, in oil of musk, which all shrew-mice have since inherited, +because this one, is spite of the sage advice of Gargantua, rubbed +himself against others of his breed. From this sprang the troubles in +the Muzaraignia of which I will give you a good account in an +historical book when I get an opportunity. + +"Then an old mouse, or rat--the rabbis of Talmud have not yet agreed +concerning the species--perceiving by this perfume that this +shrew-mouse was appointed to guard the grain of Gargantua, and had +been sprinkled with virtues, invested with full powers, and armed at +all points, was alarmed lest he should no longer be able to live, +according to the custom of mice, upon the meats, morsels, crusts, +crumbs, leavings, bits, atoms, and fragments of this Canaan of rats. +In this dilemma the good mouse, artful as an old courtier who had +lived under two regencies and three kings, resolved to try the mettle +of the shrew-mouse, and devote himself to the salvation of the jaws of +his race. This would have been a laudable thing in a man, but it was +far more so in a mouse, belonging to a tribe who live for themselves +alone, barefacedly and shamelessly, and in order to gratify themselves +would defile a consecrated wafer, gnaw a priest's stole without shame, +and would drink out of a Communion cup, caring nothing for God. The +mouse advanced with many a bow and scrape, and the shrew-mouse let him +advance rather near--for, to tell the truth, these animals are +naturally short-sighted. Then this Curtius of nibblers made his little +speech, not the jargon of common mice, but in the polite language of +shrew-mice:--'My lord, I have heard with much concern of your glorious +family, of which I am one of the most devoted slaves. I know the +legend of your ancestors, who were thought much of by the ancient +Egyptians, who held them in great veneration, and adored them like +other sacred birds. Nevertheless, your fur robe is so royally +perfumed, and its colour is so splendiferously tanned, that I am +doubtful if I recognise you as belonging to this race, since I have +never seen any of them so gloriously attired. However you have +swallowed the grain after the antique fashion. Your proboscis is a +proboscis of sapience; you have kicked like a learned shrew-mouse; but +if you are a true shrew-mouse, you should have in I know not what part +of your ear--I know not what special auditorial channel, which I know +not, what wonderful door, closes I know not how, and I know not with +what movements, by your secret commands to give you, I know not why, +licence not to listen to I know not what things, which would be +displeasing to you, on account of the special and peculiar perfection +of your faculty of hearing everything, which would often pain you." + +"'True,' said the shrew-mouse, 'the door has just fallen. I hear +nothing!' + +"'Ah, I see,' said the old rogue. + +"And he made for the pile of corn, from which he commenced to take his +store for the winter. + +"'Did you hear anything?' asked he. + +"'I hear the pit-a-pat of my heart.' + +"'Kouick!' cried all the mice; 'we shall be able to hoodwink him.' + +"The shrew-mouse, fancying that he had met with a faithful vassal, +opened the trap of his musical orifice, and heard the noise of the +grain going towards the hole. Then, without having recourse to +forfeiture, the justice of commissaries, he sprang upon the old mouse +and squeezed him to death. Glorious death! for the hero died in the +thick of the grain, and was canonised as a martyr. The shrew-mouse +took him by the ears and placed him on the door the granary, after the +fashion of the Ottoman Porte, where my good Panurge was within an ace +of being spitted. At the cries of the dying wretch the rats, mice, and +others made for their holes in great haste. When the night had fallen +they came to the cellar, convoked for the purpose of holding a council +to consider public affairs; to which meeting, in virtue of the +Papyrian and other laws, their lawful wives were admitted. The rats +wished to pass before the mice, and serious quarrels about precedence +nearly spoiled everything; but a big rat gave his arm to a mouse, and +the gaffer rats and gammer mice being paired off in the same way, all +were soon seated on their rumps, tails in air, muzzles stretched, +whiskers stiff, and their eyes brilliant as those of a falcon. Then +commenced a deliberation, which finished up with insults and a +confusion worthy of an ecumenical council of holy fathers. One said +this and another said that, and a cat passing by took fright and ran +away, hearing these strange noises: 'Bou, bou, grou, ou, ou, houic, +houic, briff, briffnac, nac, nac, fouix, fouix, trr, trr, trr, trr, +za, za, zaaa, brr, brr, raaa, ra, ra, ra, fouix!' so well blended +together in a babel of sound, that a council at the Hotel de Ville +could not have made a greater hubbub. During this tempest a little +mouse, who was not old enough to enter parliament, thrust through a +chink her inquiring snout, the hair on which was as downy as that of +all mice, too downy to be caught. As the tumult increased, by degrees +her body followed her nose, until she came to the hoop of a cask, +against which she so dextrously squatted that she might have been +mistaken for a work of art carved in antique bas-relief. Lifting his +eyes to heaven to implore a remedy for the misfortunes of the state, +an old rat perceived this pretty mouse, so gentle and shapely, and +declared that the State might be saved by her. All the muzzles turned +to this Lady of Good Help, became silent, and agreed to let her loose +upon the shrew-mouse, and in spite of the anger of certain envious +mice, she was triumphantly marched around the cellar, where, seeing +her walk mincingly, mechanically move her tail, shake her cunning +little head, twitch her diaphanous ears, and lick with her little red +tongue the hairs just sprouting on her cheeks, the old rats fell in +love with her and wagged their wrinkled, white-whiskered jaws with +delight at the sight of her, as did formerly the old men of Troy, +admiring the lovely Helen, returning from her bath. Then the maiden +was conducted to the granary, with instructions to make a conquest of +the shrew-mouse's heart, and save the fine red grain, as did formerly +the fair Hebrew, Esther, for the chosen people, with the Emperor +Ahasuerus, as is written in the master-book, for Bible comes from the +Greek word biblos, as if to say the only book. The mouse promised to +deliver the granaries, for by a lucky chance she was the queen of +mice, a fair, plump, pretty little mouse, the most delicate little +lady that ever scampered merrily across the floors, scratched between +the walls, and gave utterance to little cries of joy at finding nuts, +meal, and crumbs of bread in her path; a true fay, pretty and playful, +with an eye clear as crystal, a little head, sleek skin, amorous body, +rosy feet, and velvet tail--a high born mouse and a polished speaker +with a natural love of bed and idleness--a merry mouse, more cunning +than an old Doctor of Sorbonne fed on parchment, lively, white +bellied, streaked on the back, with sweet moulded breasts, pearl-white +teeth, and of a frank open nature--in fact, a true king's morsel." + +This portraiture was so bold--the mouse appearing to have been the +living image of Madame Diana, then present--that the courtiers stood +aghast. Queen Catherine smiled, but the king was in no laughing +humour. But Rabelais went on without paying any attention to the winks +of the Cardinal Bellay and de Chatillon, who were terrified for the +good man. + +"The pretty mouse," said he, continuing, "did not beat long about the +bush, and from the first moment that she trotted before the +shrew-mouse, she had enslaved him for ever by her coquetries, +affectations, friskings, provocations, little refusals, piercing +glances, and wiles of a maiden who desires yet dares not, amorous +oglings, little caresses, preparatory tricks, pride of a mouse who +knows her value, laughings and squeakings, triflings and other +endearments, feminine, treacherous and captivating ways, all traps +which are abundantly used by the females of all nations. When, after +many wrigglings, smacks in the face, nose lickings, gallantries of +amorous shrew-mice, frowns, sighs, serenades, titbits, suppers and +dinners on the pile of corn, and other attentions, the superintendent +overcame the scruples of his beautiful mistress, he became the slave +of this incestuous and illicit love, and the mouse, leading her lord +by the snout, became queen of everything, nibbled his cheese, ate the +sweets, and foraged everywhere. This the shrew-mouse permitted to the +empress of his heart, although he was ill at ease, having broken his +oath made to Gargantua, and betrayed the confidence placed in him. +Pursuing her advantage with the pertinacity of a woman, one night they +were joking together, the mouse remembered the dear old fellow her +father, and desiring that he should make his meals off the grain, she +threatened to leave her lover cold and lonely in his domain if he did +not allow her to indulge her filial piety. In the twinkling of a +mouse's eye he had granted letters patent, sealed with a green seal, +with tags of crimson silk, to his wench's father, so that the +Gargantuan palace was open to him at all hours, and he was at liberty +see his good, virtuous daughter, kiss her on the forehead, and eat his +fill, but always in a corner. Then there arrived a venerable old rat, +weighing about twenty-five ounces, with a white tail, marching like the +president of a Court of Justice, wagging his head, and followed by +fifteen or twenty nephews, all with teeth as sharp as saws, who +demonstrated to the shrew-mouse by little speeches and questions of all +kinds that they, his relations, would soon be loyally attached to him, +and would help him to count the things committed to his charge, arrange +and ticket them, in order that when Gargantua came to visit them he +would find everything in perfect order. There was an air of truth about +these promises. The poor shrew-mouse was, however, in spite of this +speech, troubled by ideas from on high, and serious pricking of +shrew-mousian conscience. Seeing that he turned up his nose at +everything, went about slowly and with a careworn face, one morning the +mouse who was pregnant by him, conceived the idea of calming his doubts +and easing his mind by a Sorbonnical consultation, and sent for the +doctors of his tribe. During the day she introduced to him one, Sieur +Evegault, who had just stepped out of a cheese where he lived in perfect +abstinence, an old confessor of high degree, a merry fellow of good +appearance, with a fine black skin, firm as a rock, and slightly +tonsured on the head by the pat of a cat's claw. He was a grave rat, +with a monastical paunch, having much studied scientific authorities +by nibbling at their works in parchments, papers, books and volumes of +which certain fragments had remained upon his grey beard. In honour of +and great reverence for his great virtue and wisdom, and his modest +life, he was accompanied by a black troop of black rats, all bringing +with them pretty little mice, their sweethearts, for not having +adopted the canons of the council of Chesil, it was lawful for them to +have respectable women for concubines. These beneficed rats, being +arranged in two lines, you might have fancied them a procession of the +university authorities going to Lendit. And they all began to sniff +the victuals. + +"When the ceremony of placing them all was complete, the old cardinal +of the rats lifted up his voice, and in a good rat-latin oration +pointed out to the guardian of the grain that no one but God was +superior to him; and that to God alone he owed obedience, and he +entertained him with many fine phrases, stuffed with evangelical +quotations, to disturb the principal and fog his flock; in fact, fine +argument interlarded with much sound sense. The discourse finished +with a peroration full of high sounding words in honour of shrew-mice, +among whom his hearer was the most illustrious and best beneath the +sun; and this oration considerably bewildered the keeper of the +granary. + +"This good gentleman's head was thoroughly turned, and he installed +this fine speaking rat and his tribe in his manor, where night and day +his praises and little songs in his honour were sung, not forgetting +his lady, whose little paw was kissed and little tail was sniffed at +by all. Finally, the mistress, knowing that certain young rats were +still fasting, determined to finish her work. Then she kissed her lord +tenderly, loading him with love, and performing those little endearing +antics of which one alone was sufficient to send a beast to perdition; +and said to the shrew-mouse that he wasted the precious time due to +their love by travelling about, that he was always going here or +there, and that she never had her proper share of him; that when she +wanted his society, he was on the leads chasing the cats, and that she +wished him always to be ready to her hand like a lance, and kind as a +bird. Then in her great grief she tore out a grey hair, declaring +herself, weepingly, to be the most wretched little mouse in the world. +The shrew-mouse pointed out to her that she was the mistress of +everything, and wished to resist, but after the lady had shed a +torrent of tears he implored a truce and considered her request. Then +instantly drying her tears, and giving him her paw to kiss, she +advised him to arm some soldiers, trusty and tried rats, old warriors, +who would go the rounds to keep watch. Everything was thus wisely +arranged. The shrew-mouse had the rest of the day to dance, play, and +amuse himself, listen to the roundelays and ballads which the poets +composed in his honour, play the lute and the mandore, make acrostics, +eat, drink and be merry. One day his mistress having just risen from +her confinement, after having given birth to the sweetest little +mouse-sorex or sorex-mouse, I know not what name was given to this +mongrel food of love, whom you may be sure, the gentlemen in the long +robe would manage to legitimise" (the constable of Montmorency, who +had married his son to a legitimised bastard of the king's, here put +his hand to his sword and clutched the handle fiercely), "a grand +feast was given in the granaries, to which no court festival or gala +could be compared, not even that of the Field of the Cloth of Gold. In +every corner mice were making merry. Everywhere there were dances, +concerts, banquets, sarabands, music, joyous songs, and epithalamia. +The rats had broken open the pots, and uncovered the jars, lapped the +gallipots, and unpacked the stores. The mustard was strewn over the +place, the hams were mangled and the corn scattered. Everything was +rolling, tumbling, and falling about the floor, and the little rats +dabbled in puddles of green sauce, the mice navigated oceans of +sweetmeats, and the old folks carried off the pasties. There were mice +astride salt tongues. Field-mice were swimming in the pots, and the +most cunning of them were carrying the corn into their private holes, +profiting by the confusion to make ample provision for themselves. No +one passed the quince confection of Orleans without saluting it with +one nibble, and oftener with two. It was like a Roman carnival. In +short, anyone with a sharp ear might have heard the frizzling +frying-pans, the cries and clamours of the kitchens, the crackling of +their furnaces, the noise of the turnspits, the creaking of baskets, +the haste of the confectioners, the click of the meat-jacks, and the +noise of the little feet scampering thick as hail over the floor. It +was a bustling wedding-feast, where people come and go, footmen, +stablemen, cooks, musicians, buffoons, where everyone pays compliments +and makes a noise. In short, so great was the delight that they kept +up a general wagging of the head to celebrate this eventful night. But +suddenly there was heard the horrible foot-fall of Gargantua, who was +ascending the stairs of his house to visit the granaries, and made the +planks, the beams, and everything else tremble. Certain old rats asked +each other what might mean this seignorial footstep, with which they +were unacquainted, and some of them decamped, and they did well, for +the lord and master entered suddenly. Perceiving the confusion these +gentleman had made, seeing his preserves eaten, his mustard unpacked, +and everything dirtied and scratched about, he put his feet upon these +lively vermin without giving them time to squeak, and thus spoiled +their best clothes, satins, pearls, velvets, and rubbish, and upset +the feast." + +"And what became of the shrew-mouse?" said the king, waking from his +reverie. + +"Ah, sire!" replied Rabelais, "herein we see the injustice of the +Gargantuan tribe. He was put to death, but being a gentleman he was +beheaded. That was ill done, for he had been betrayed." + +"You go rather far, my good man," said the king. + +"No sire," replied Rabelais, "but rather high. Have you not sunk the +crown beneath the pulpit? You asked me for a sermon; I have given you +one which is gospel." + +"My fine vicar," said Madame Diana, in his ear, "suppose I were +spiteful?" + +"Madame," said Rabelais, "was it not well then of me to warn the king, +your master, against the queen's Italians, who are as plentiful here +as cockchafers?" + +"Poor preacher," said Cardinal Odet, in his ear, "go to another +country." + +"Ah! monsieur," replied the old fellow, "ere long I shall be in +another land." + +"God's truth! Mr. Scribbler," said the constable (whose son, as +everyone knows, had treacherously deserted Mademoiselle de Piennes, to +whom he was betrothed, to espouse Diana of France, daughter of the +mistress of certain high personages and of the king), "who made thee +so bold as to slander persons of quality? Ah, wretched poet, you like +to raise yourself high; well then, I promise to put you in a good high +place." + +"We shall all go there, my lord constable," replied the old man: "but +if you are friendly to the state and to the king you will thank me for +having warned him against the hordes of Lorraine, who are evils that +will devour everything." + +"My good man," whispered Cardinal Charles of Lorraine, "if you need a +few gold crowns to publish your fifth book of Pantagruel you can come +to me for them, because you have put the case clearly to the enemy, +who has bewitched the king, and also to her pack." + +"Well, gentlemen," said the king, "what do you think of the sermon?" + +"Sire," said Mellin de Saint-Gelais, seeing that all were well +pleased, "I had never heard a better Pantagruelian prognostication. +Much do we owe to him who made these leonine verses in the Abbey of +Theleme:-- + + + '"Cy vous entrez, qui le saint Evangile + En sens agile annoncez, quoy qu'on gronde, + Ceans aurez une refuge et bastile, + Contre l'hostile erreur qui tant postille + Par son faux style empoisonner le monde.'" + + ['"Should ye who enter here profess in jubilation + Our gospel of elation, then suffer dolts to curse! + Here refuge shall ye find, and sure circumvallation + Against the protestation of those whose delectation + Brings false abomination to blight the universe.'"] + + +All the courtiers having applauded their companion, each one +complimented Rabelais, who took his departure accompanied with great +honour by the king's pages, who, by express command held torches +before him. + +Some persons have charged Francis Rabelais, the imperial honour of our +land, with spiteful tricks and apish pranks, unworthy of his Homeric +philosophy, of this prince of wisdom of this fatherly centre, from +which have issued since the rising of his subterranean light a good +number of marvellous works. Out upon those who would defile this +divine head! All their life long may they find grit between their +teeth, those who have ignored his good and moderate nourishment. + +Dear drinker of pure water, faithful servant or monachal abstinence, +wisest of wise men, how would thy sides ache with laughter, how +wouldst thou chuckle, if thou couldst come again for a little while to +Chinon, and read the idiotic mouthings, and the maniacal babble of the +fools who have interpreted, commentated, torn, disgraced, +misunderstood, betrayed, defiled, adulterated and meddled with thy +peerless book. As many dogs as Panurge found busy with his lady's robe +at church, so many two-legged academic puppies have busied themselves +with befouling the high marble pyramid in which is cemented for ever +the seed of all fantastic and comic inventions, besides magnificent +instruction in all things. Although rare are the pilgrims who have the +breath to follow thy bark in its sublime peregrination through the +ocean of ideas, methods, varieties, religions, wisdom, and human +trickeries, at least their worship is unalloyed, pure, and +unadulterated, and thine omnipotence, omniscience, and omni-language +are by them bravely recognised. Therefore has a poor son of our merry +Touraine here been anxious, however unworthily, to do thee homage by +magnifying thine image, and glorifying the works of eternal memory, so +cherished by those who love the concentrative works wherein the +universal moral is contained, wherein are found, pressed like sardines +in their boxes, philosophical ideas on every subject, science, art and +eloquence, as well as theatrical mummeries. + + + + THE SUCCUBUS + + +Prologue + +A number of persons of the noble country of Touraine, considerably +edified by the warm search which the author is making into the +antiquities, adventures, good jokes, and pretty tales of that blessed +land, and believing for certain that he should know everything, have +asked him (after drinking with him of course understood), if he had +discovered the etymological reason, concerning which all the ladies of +the town are so curious, and from which a certain street in Tours is +called the Rue Chaude. By him it was replied, that he was much +astonished to see that the ancient inhabitants had forgotten the great +number of convents situated in this street, where the severe +continence of the monks and nuns might have caused the walls to be +made so hot that some woman of position should increase in size from +walking too slowly along them to vespers. A troublesome fellow, +wishing to appear learned, declared that formerly all the +scandalmongers of the neighbourhood were wont to meet in this place. +Another entangled himself in the minute suffrages of science, and +poured forth golden words without being understood, qualifying words, +harmonising the melodies of the ancient and modern, congregating +customs, distilling verbs, alchemising all languages since the Deluge, +of the Hebrew, Chaldeans, Egyptians, Greeks, Latins, and of Turnus, +the ancient founder of Tours; and the good man finished by declaring +that chaude or chaulde with the exception of the H and the L, came +from Cauda, and that there was a tail in the affair, but the ladies +only understood the end of it. An old man observed that in this same +place was formerly a source of thermal water, of which his great great +grandfather had drunk. In short, in less time than it takes a fly to +embrace its sweetheart, there had been a pocketful of etymologies, in +which the truth of the matter had been less easily found than a louse +in the filthy beard of a Capuchin friar. But a man well learned and +well informed, through having left his footprint in many monasteries, +consumed much midnight oil, and manured his brain with many a volume +--himself more encumbered with pieces, dyptic fragments, boxes, +charters, and registers concerning the history of Touraine than is a +gleaner with stalks of straw in the month of August--this man, old, +infirm, and gouty, who had been drinking in his corner without saying +a word, smiled the smile of a wise man and knitted his brows, the said +smile finally resolving itself into a pish! well articulated, which +the Author heard and understood it to be big with an adventure +historically good, the delights of which he would be able to unfold in +this sweet collection. + +To be brief, on the morrow this gouty old fellow said to him, "By your +poem, which is called 'The Venial Sin,' you have forever gained my +esteem, because everything therein is true from head to foot--which I +believe to be a precious superabundance in such matters. But doubtless +you do not know what became of the Moor placed in religion by the said +knight, Bruyn de la Roche-Corbon. I know very well. Now if this +etymology of the street harass you, and also the Egyptian nun, I will +lend you a curious and antique parchment, found by me in the Olim of +the episcopal palace, of which the libraries were a little knocked +about at a period when none of us knew if he would have the pleasure +of his head's society on the morrow. Now will not this yield you a +perfect contentment?" + +"Good!" said the author. + +Then this worthy collector of truths gave certain rare and dusty +parchments to the author, the which he has, not without great labour, +translated into French, and which were fragments of a most ancient +ecclesiastical process. He has believed that nothing would be more +amusing than the actual resurrection of this antique affair, wherein +shines forth the illiterate simplicity of the good old times. Now, +then, give ear. This is the order in which were the manuscripts, of +which the author has made use in his own fashion, because the language +was devilishly difficult. + + +I +WHAT THE SUCCUBUS WAS. + +_In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen._ + +In the year of our Lord, one thousand two hundred and seventy-one, +before me, Hierome Cornille, grand inquisitor and ecclesiastical judge +(thereto commissioned by the members of the chapter of Saint Maurice, +the cathedral of Tours, having of this deliberated in the presence of +our Lord Jean de Montsoreau, archbishop--namely, the grievances and +complaints of the inhabitants of the said town, whose request is here +subjoined), have appeared certain noblemen, citizens, and inhabitants +of the diocese, who have stated the following facts concerning a demon +suspected of having taken the features of a woman, who has much +afflicted the minds of the diocese, and is at present a prisoner in +the jail of the chapter; and in order to arrive at the truth of the +said charge we have opened the present court, this Monday, the +eleventh day of December, after mass, to communicate the evidence of +each witness to the said demon, to interrogate her upon the said +crimes to her imputed, and to judge her according to the laws enforced +_contra demonios_. + +In this inquiry has assisted me to write the evidence therein given, +Guillaume Tournebouche, rubrican of the chapter, a learned man. + + +Firstly has come before us one Jehan, surnamed Tortebras, a citizen of +Tours, keeping by licence the hostelry of La Cigoyne, situated on the +Place du Pont, and who has sworn by the salvation of his soul, his +hand upon the holy Evangelists, to state no other thing than that +which by himself hath been seen and heard. + +He hath stated as here followeth:-- + +"I declare that about two years before the feast of St. Jehan, upon +which are the grand illuminations, a gentleman, at first unknown to +me, but belonging without doubt to our lord the King, and at that time +returned to our country from the Holy Land, came to me with the +proposition that I should let to him at rental a certain country-house +by me built, in the quit rent of the chapter over against the place +called of St. Etienne, and the which I let to him for nine years, for +the consideration of three besans of fine gold. In the said house was +placed by the said knight a fair wench having the appearance of a +woman, dressed in the strange fashion of the Saracens Mohammedans, +whom he would allow by none to be seen or to be approached within a +bow-shot, but whom I have seen with mine own eyes, weird feathers upon +her head, and eyes so flaming that I cannot adequately describe them, +and from which gleamed forth a fire of hell. The defunct knight having +threatened with death whoever should appear to spy about the said +house, I have by reason of great fear left the said house, and I have +until this day secretly kept to my mind certain presumptions and +doubts concerning the bad appearance of the said foreigner, who was +more strange than any woman, her equal not having as yet by me been +seen. + +"Many persons of all conditions having at the time believed the said +knight to be dead, but kept upon his feet by virtue of the said +charms, philters, spells, and diabolical sorceries of this seeming +woman, who wished to settle in our country, I declare that I have +always seen the said knight so ghastly pale that I can only compare +his face to the wax of a Paschal candle, and to the knowledge of all +the people of the hostelry of La Cigoyne, this knight was interred +nine days after his first coming. According to the statement of his +groom, the defunct had been chalorously coupled with the said Moorish +woman during seven whole days shut up in my house, without coming out +from her, the which I heard him horribly avow upon his deathbed. +Certain persons at the present time have accused this she-devil of +holding the said gentleman in her clutches by her long hair, the which +was furnished with certain warm properties by means of which are +communicated to Christians the flames of hell in the form of love, +which work in them until their souls are by this means drawn from +their bodies and possessed by Satan. But I declare that I have seen +nothing of this excepting the said dead knight, bowelless, emaciated, +wishing, in spite of his confessor, still to go to this wench; and +then he has been recognised as the lord de Bueil, who was a crusader, +and who was, according to certain persons of the town, under the spell +of a demon whom he had met in the Asiatic country of Damascus or +elsewhere. + +"Afterwards I have let my house to the said unknown lady, according to +the clauses of the deed of lease. The said lord of Bueil, being +defunct, I had nevertheless been into my house in order to learn from +the said foreign woman if she wished to remain in my dwelling, and +after great trouble was led before her by a strange, half-naked black +man, whose eyes were white. + +"Then I have seen the said Moorish woman in a little room, shining +with gold and jewels, lighted with strange lights, upon an Asiatic +carpet, where she was seated, lightly attired, with another gentleman, +who was there imperiling his soul; and I had not the heart bold enough +to look upon her, seeing that her eyes would have incited me +immediately to yield myself up to her, for already her voice thrilled +into my very belly, filled my brain, and debauched my mind. Finding +this, from the fear of God, and also of hell, I have departed with +swift feet, leaving my house to her as long as she liked to retain it, +so dangerous was it to behold that Moorish complexion from which +radiated diabolical heats, besides a foot smaller than it was lawful +in a real woman to possess; and to hear her voice, which pierced into +one's heart! And from that day I have lacked the courage to enter my +house from great fear of falling into hell. I have said my say." + +To the said Tortebras we have then shown an Abyssinian, Nubian or +Ethiopian, who, black from head to foot, had been found wanting in +certain virile properties with which all good Christians are usually +furnished, who, having persevered in his silence, after having been +tormented and tortured many times, not without much moaning, has +persisted in being unable to speak the language of our country. And +the said Tortebras has recognised the said Abyss heretic as having +been in his house in company with the said demoniacal spirit, and is +suspected of having lent his aid to her sorcery. + +And the said Tortebras has confessed his great faith in the Catholic +religion, and declared no other things to be within his knowledge save +certain rumours which were known to every one, of which he had been in +no way a witness except in the hearing of them. + + +In obedience to the citations served upon him, has appeared then, +Matthew, surname Cognefestu, a day-labourer of St. Etienne, whom, +after having sworn by the holy Evangelists to speak the truth, has +confessed to us always to have seen a bright light in the dwelling of +the said foreign woman, and heard much wild and diabolical laughter on +the days and nights of feasts and fasts, notably during the days of +the holy and Christmas weeks, as if a great number of people were in +the house. And he has sworn to have seen by the windows of the said +dwellings, green buds of all kinds in the winter, growing as if by +magic, especially roses in a time of frost, and other things for which +there was a need of a great heat; but of this he was in no way +astonished, seeing that the said foreigner threw out so much heat that +when she walked in the evening by the side of his wall he found on the +morrow his salad grown; and on certain occasions she had by the +touching of her petticoats, caused the trees to put forth leaves and +hasten the buds. Finally, the said, Cognefestu has declared to us to +know no more, because he worked from early morning, and went to bed at +the same hour as the fowls. + +Afterwards the wife of the aforesaid Cognefestu has by us been +required to state also upon oath the things come to her cognisance in +this process, and has avowed naught save praises of the said +foreigner, because since her coming her man had treated her better in +consequence of the neighbourhood of this good lady, who filled the air +with love, as the sun did light, and other incongruous nonsense, which +we have not committed to writing. + +To the said Cognefestu and to his wife we have shown the said unknown +African, who has been seen by them in the gardens of the house, and is +stated by them for certain to belong to the said demon. In the third +place, has advanced Harduin V., lord of Maille, who being by us +reverentially begged to enlighten the religion of the church, has +expressed his willingness so to do, and has, moreover, engaged his +word, as a gallant knight, to say no other thing than that which he +has seen. Then he has testified to have known in the army of the +Crusades the demon in question, and in the town of Damascus to have +seen the knight of Bueil, since defunct, fight at close quarters to be +her sole possessor. The above-mentioned wench, or demon, belonged at +that time to the knight Geoffroy IV., Lord of Roche-Pozay, by whom she +was said to have been brought from Touraine, although she was a +Saracen; concerning which the knights of France marvelled much, as +well as at her beauty, which made a great noise and a thousand +scandalous ravages in the camp. During the voyage this wench was the +cause of many deaths, seeing that Roche-Pozay had already discomfited +certain Crusaders, who wished to keep her to themselves, because she +shed, according to certain knights petted by her in secret, joys +around her comparable to none others. But in the end the knight of +Bueil, having killed Geoffroy de la Roche-Pozay, became lord and +master of this young murderess, and placed her in a convent, or harem, +according to the Saracen custom. About this time one used to see her +and hear her chattering as entertainment many foreign dialects, such +as the Greek or the Latin empire, Moorish, and, above all, French +better than any of those who knew the language of France best in the +Christian host, from which sprang the belief that she was demoniacal. + +The said knight Harduin has confessed to us not to have tilted for her +in the Holy Land, not from fear, coldness or other cause, so much as +that he believed the time had arrived for him to bear away a portion +of the true cross, and also he had belonging to him a noble lady of +the Greek country, who saved him from this danger in denuding him of +love, morning and night, seeing that she took all of it substantially +from him, leaving him none in his heart or elsewhere for others. + +And the said knight has assured us that the woman living in the +country house of Tortebras, was really the said Saracen woman, come +into the country from Syria, because he had been invited to a midnight +feast at her house by the young Lord of Croixmare, who expired the +seventh day afterwards, according to the statement of the Dame de +Croixmare, his mother, ruined all points by the said wench, whose +commerce with him had consumed his vital spirit, and whose strange +phantasies had squandered his fortune. + +Afterwards questioned in his quality of a man full of prudence, wisdom +and authority in this country, upon the ideas entertained concerning +the said woman, and summoned by us to open his conscience, seeing that +it was a question of a most abominable case of Christian faith and +divine justice, answer has been made by the said knight:-- + +That by certain of the host of Crusaders it has been stated to him +that always this she-devil was a maid to him who embraced her, and +that Mammon was for certain occupied in her, making for her a new +virtue for each of her lovers, and a thousand other foolish sayings of +drunken men, which were not of a nature to form a fifth gospel. But +for a fact, he, an old knight on that turn of life, and knowing +nothing more of the aforesaid, felt himself again a young man in that +last supper with which he had been regaled by the lord of Croixmare; +then the voice of this demon went straight to his heart before flowing +into his ears, and had awakened so great a love in his body that his +life was ebbing from the place whence it should flow, and that +eventually, but for the assistance of Cyprus wine, which he had drunk +to blind his sight, and his getting under the table in order no longer +to gaze upon the fiery eyes of his diabolical hostess, and not to rend +his heart from her, without doubt he would have fought the young +Croixmare, in order to enjoy for a single moment this supernatural +woman. Since then he had had absolution from his confessor for the +wicked thought. Then, by advice from on high, he had carried back to +his house his portion of the true Cross, and had remained in his own +manor, where, in spite of his Christian precautions, the said voice +still at certain times tickled his brain, and in the morning often had +he in remembrance this demon, warm as brimstone; and because the look +of this wench was so warm that it made him burn like a young man, be +half dead, and because it cost him then many transshipments of the +vital spirit, the said knight has requested us not to confront him +with the empress of love to whom, if it were not the devil, God the +Father had granted strange liberties with the minds of men. +Afterwards, he retired, after reading over his statement, not without +having first recognised the above-mentioned African to be the servant +and page of the lady. + + +In the fourth place, upon the faith pledged in us in the name of the +Chapter and of our Lord Archbishop, that he should not be tormented, +tortured, nor harassed in any manner, nor further cited after his +statement, in consequence of his commercial journeys, and upon the +assurance that he should retire in perfect freedom, has come before us +a Jew, Salomon al Rastchid, who, in spite of the infamy of his person +and his Judaism, has been heard by us to this one end, to know +everything concerning the conduct of the aforesaid demon. Thus he has +not been required to take any oath this Salomon, seeing that he is +beyond the pale of the Church, separated from us by the blood of our +saviour (trucidatus Salvatore inter nos). Interrogated by us as to why +he appeared without the green cap upon his head, and the yellow wheel +in the apparent locality of the heart in his garment, according to the +ecclesiastical and royal ordinances, the said de Rastchid has +exhibited to us letters patent of the seneschal of Touraine and +Poitou. Then the said Jew has declared to us to have done a large +business for the lady dwelling in the house of the innkeeper +Tortebras, to have sold to her golden chandeliers, with many branches, +minutely engraved, plates of red silver, cups enriched with stones, +emeralds and rubies; to have brought for her from the Levant a number +of rare stuffs, Persian carpets, silks, and fine linen; in fact, +things so magnificent that no queen in Christendom could say she was +so well furnished with jewels and household goods; and that he had for +his part received from her three hundred thousand pounds for the +rarity of the purchases in which he had been employed, such as Indian +flowers, poppingjays, birds' feathers, spices, Greek wines, and +diamonds. Requested by us, the judge, to say if he had furnished +certain ingredients of magical conjuration, the blood of new-born +children, conjuring books, and things generally and whatsoever made +use of by sorcerers, giving him licence to state his case without that +thereupon he should be the subject to any further inquest or inquiry, +the said al Rastchid has sworn by his Hebrew faith never to have had +any such commerce; and has stated that he was involved in too high +interests to give himself to such miseries, seeing that he was the +agent of certain most powerful lords, such as the Marquis de +Montferrat, the King of England, the King of Cyprus and Jerusalem, the +Court of Provence, lords of Venice, and many German gentleman; to have +belonging to him merchant galleys of all kinds, going into Egypt with +the permission of the Sultan, and he trafficking in precious articles +of silver and of gold, which took him often into the exchange of +Tours. Moreover, he has declared that he considered the said lady, the +subject of inquiry, to be a right royal and natural woman, with the +sweetest limbs, and the smallest he has ever seen. That in consequence +of her renown for a diabolical spirit, pushed by a wild imagination, +and also because that he was smitten with her, he had heard once that +she was husbandless, proposed to her to be her gallant, to which +proposition she willingly acceded. Now, although from that night he +felt his bones disjointed and his bowels crushed, he had not yet +experienced, as certain persons say, that who once yielded was free no +more; he went to his fate as lead into the crucible of the alchemist. +Then the said Salomon, to whom we have granted his liberty according +to the safe conduct, in spite of the statement, which proves +abundantly his commerce with the devil, because he had been saved +there where all Christians have succumbed, has admitted to us an +agreement concerning the said demon. To make known that he had made an +offer to the chapter of the cathedral to give for the said semblance +of a woman such a ransom, if she were condemned to be burned alive, +that the highest of the towers of the Church of St. Maurice, at +present in course of construction, could therewith be finished. + +The which we have noted to be deliberated upon at an opportune time by +the assembled chapter. And the said Salomon has taken his departure +without being willing to indicate his residence, and has told us that +he can be informed of the deliberation of the chapter by a Jew of the +synagogue of Tours, a name Tobias Nathaneus. The said Jew has before +his departure been shown the African, and has recognised him as the +page of the demon, and has stated the Saracens to have the custom of +mutilating their slaves thus, to commit to them the task of guarding +their women by an ancient usage, as it appears in the profane +histories of Narsez, general of Constantinople, and others. + +On the morrow after mass has appeared before us the most noble and +illustrious lady of Croixmare. The same has worn her faith in the holy +Evangelists, and has related to us with tears how she had placed her +eldest son beneath the earth, dead by reason of his extravagant amours +with this female demon. The which noble gentleman was three-and-twenty +years of age; of good complexion, very manly and well bearded like his +defunct sire. Notwithstanding his great vigour, in ninety days he had +little by little withered, ruined by his commerce with the succubus of +the Rue Chaude, according to the statement of the common people; and +her maternal authority over the son had been powerless. Finally in his +latter days he appeared like a poor dried up worm, such as +housekeepers meet with in a corner when they clean out the +dwelling-rooms. And always, so long as he had the strength to go, he +went to shorten his life with this cursed woman; where, also, he +emptied his cash-box. When he was in his bed, and knew his last hour +had come, he swore at, cursed, and threatened and heaped upon all--his +sister, his brother, and upon her his mother--a thousand insults, +rebelled in the face of the chaplain; denied God, and wished to die in +damnation; at which were much afflicted the retainers of the family, +who, to save his soul and pluck it from hell, have founded two annual +masses in the cathedral. And in order to have him buried in consecrated +ground, the house of Croixmare has undertaken to give to the chapter, +during one hundred years, the wax candles for the chapels and the +church, upon the day of the Paschal feast. And, in conclusion, saving +the wicked words heard by the reverend person, Dom Loys Pot, a nun of +Marmoustiers, who came to assist in his last hours the said Baron de +Croixmaire affirms never to have heard any words offered by the +defunct, touching the demon who had undone him. + +And therewith has retired the noble and illustrious lady in deep +mourning. + + +In the sixth place has appeared before us, after adjournment, +Jacquette, called Vieux-Oing, a kitchen scullion, going to houses to +wash dishes, residing at present in the Fishmarket, who, after having +placed her word to say nothing she did not hold to be true, has +declared as here follows:--Namely, that one day she, being come into +the kitchen of the said demon, of whom she had no fear, because she +was wont to regale herself only upon males, she had the opportunity of +seeing in the garden this female demon, superbly attired, walking in +company with a knight, with whom she was laughing, like a natural +woman. Then she had recognised in this demon that true likeness of the +Moorish woman placed as a nun in the convent of Notre Dame de +l'Egrignolles by the defunct seneschal of Touraine and Poitou, Messire +Bruyn, Count of Roche-Corbon, the which Moorish woman had been left in +the situation and place of the image of our Lady the Virgin, the +mother of our Blessed Saviour, stolen by the Egyptians about eighteen +years since. Of this time, in consequence of the troubles come about +in Touraine, no record has been kept. This girl, aged about twelve +years, was saved from the stake at which she would have been burned by +being baptised; and the said defunct and his wife had then been +godfather and godmother to this child of hell. Being at that time +laundress at the convent, she who bears witness has remembrance of the +flight which the said Egyptian took twenty months after her entry into +the convent, so subtilely that it has never been known how or by what +means she escaped. At that time it was thought by all, that with the +devil's aid she had flown away in the air, seeing that not +withstanding much search, no trace of her flight was found in the +convent, where everything remained in its accustomed order. + +The African having been shown to the said scullion, she has declared +not to have seen him before, although she was curious to do so, as he +was commissioned to guard the place in which the Moorish woman +combated with those whom she drained through the spigot. + + +In the seventh place has been brought before us Hugues de Fou, son of +the Sieur de Bridore, who, aged twenty years, has been placed in the +hands of his father, under caution of his estates, and by him is +represented in this process, whom it concerns if should be duly +attained and convicted of having, assisted by several unknown and bad +young men, laid siege to the jail of the archbishop and of the +chapter, and of having lent himself to disturb the force of +ecclesiastical justice, by causing the escape of the demon now under +consideration. In spite of the evil disposition we have commanded the +said Hugues de Fou to testify truly, touching the things he should +know concerning the said demon, with whom he is vehemently reputed to +have had commerce, pointing out to him that it was a question of his +salvation and of the life of the said demon. He, after having taken +the oath, he said:-- + +"I swear by my eternal salvation, and by the holy Evangelists here +present under my hand, to hold the woman suspected of being a demon to +be an angel, a perfect woman, and even more so in mind than in body, +living in all honesty, full of the migniard charms and delights of +love, in no way wicked, but most generous, assisting greatly the poor +and suffering. I declare that I have seen her weeping veritable tears +for the death of my friend, the knight of Croixmare. And because on +that day she had made a vow to our Lady the Virgin no more to receive +the love of young noblemen too weak in her service; she has to me +constantly and with great courage denied the enjoyment of her body, +and has only granted to me love, and the possession of her heart, of +which she has made sovereign. Since this gracious gift, in spite of my +increasing flame I have remained alone in her dwelling, where I have +spent the greater part of my days, happy in seeing and in hearing her. +Oh! I would eat near her, partake of the air which entered into her +lungs, of the light which shone in her sweet eyes, and found in this +occupation more joy than have the lords of paradise. Elected by me to +be forever my lady, chosen to be one day my dove, my wife, and only +sweetheart, I, poor fool, have received from her no advances on the +joys of the future, but, on the contrary, a thousand virtuous +admonitions; such as that I should acquire renown as a good knight, +become a strong man and a fine one, fear nothing except God; honour +the ladies, serve but one and love them in memory of that one; that +when I should be strengthened by the work of war, if her heart still +pleased mine, at that time only would she be mine, because she would +be able to wait for me, loving me so much." + +So saying the young Sire Hugues wept, and weeping, added:-- + +"That thinking of this graceful and feeble woman, whose arms seemed +scarcely large enough to sustain the light weight of her golden +chains, he did not know how to contain himself while fancying the +irons which would wound her, and the miseries with which she would +traitorously be loaded, and from this cause came his rebellion. And +that he had licence to express his sorrow before justice, because his +life was so bound up with that of his delicious mistress and +sweetheart that on the day when evil came to her he would surely die." + +And the same young man has vociferated a thousand other praises of the +said demon, which bear witness to the vehement sorcery practised upon +him, and prove, moreover, the abominable, unalterable, and incurable +life and the fraudulent witcheries to which he is at present subject, +concerning which our lord the archbishop will judge, in order to save +by exorcisms and penitences this young soul from the snares of hell, +if the devil has not gained too strong a hold of it. + +Then we have handed back the said young nobleman into the custody of +the noble lord his father, after that by the said Hugues, the African +has been recognised as the servant of the accused. + + +In the eighth place, before us, have the footguards of our lord the +archbishop led in great state the MOST HIGH AND REVEREND LADY +JACQUELINE DE CHAMPCHEVRIER, ABBESS OF THE CONVENT OF NOTRE-DAME, +under the invocation of Mount Carmel, to whose control has been +submitted by the late seneschal of Touraine, father of Monseigneur the +Count of Roche-Corbon, present advocate of the said convent, the +Egyptian, named at the baptismal font Blanche Bruyn. + +To the said abbess we have shortly stated the present cause, in which +is involved the holy church, the glory of God, and the eternal future +of the people of the diocese afflicted with a demon, and also the life +of a creature who it was possible might be quite innocent. Then the +cause elaborated, we have requested the said noble abbess to testify +that which was within her knowledge concerning the magical +disappearance of her daughter in God, Blanche Bruyn, espoused by our +Saviour under the name of Sister Clare. + +Then has stated the very high, very noble, and very illustrious lady +abbess as follows:-- + +"The Sister Clare, of origin to her unknown, but suspected to be of an +heretic father and mother, people inimical to God, has truly been +placed in religion in the convent of which the government had +canonically come to her in spite of her unworthiness; that the said +sister had properly concluded her noviciate, and made her vows +according to the holy rule of the order. That the vows taken, she had +fallen into great sadness, and had much drooped. Interrogated by her, +the abbess, concerning her melancholy malady, the said sister had +replied with tears that she herself did not know the cause. That one +thousand and one tears engendered themselves in her at feeling no more +her splendid hair upon her head; that besides this she thirsted for +air, and could not resist her desire to jump up into the trees, to +climb and tumble about according to her wont during her open air life; +that she passed her nights in tears, dreaming of the forests under the +leaves of which in other days she slept; and in remembrance of this +she abhorred the quality of the air of the cloisters, which troubled +her respiration; that in her inside she was troubled with evil +vapours; that at times she was inwardly diverted in church by thoughts +which made her lose countenance. Then I have repeated over and over +again to the poor creature the holy directions of the church, have +reminded her of the eternal happiness which women without seeing enjoy +in paradise, and how transitory was life here below, and certain the +goodness of God, who for first certain bitter pleasures lost, kept for +us a love without end. Is spite of this wise maternal advice the evil +spirit has persisted in the said sister; and always would she gaze +upon the leaves of the trees and grass of the meadows through the +windows of the church during the offices and times of prayer; and +persisted in becoming as white as linen in order that she might stay +in her bed, and at certain times she would run about the cloisters +like a goat broken loose from its fastening. Finally, she had grown +thin, lost much of the great beauty, and shrunk away to nothing. While +in this condition by us, the abbess her mother, was she placed in the +sick-room, we daily expecting her to die. One winter's morning the +said sister had fled, without leaving any trace of her steps, without +breaking the door, forcing of locks, or opening of windows, nor any +sign whatever of the manner of her passage; a frightful adventure +which was believed to have taken place by the aid of the demon which +has annoyed and tormented her. For the rest it was settled by the +authorities of the metropolitan church that the mission of this +daughter of hell was to divert the nuns from their holy ways, and +blinded by their perfect lives, she had returned through the air on +the wings of the sorcerer, who had left her for mockery of our holy +religion in the place of our Virgin Mary." + +The which having said, the lady abbess was, with great honour and +according to the command of our lord the archbishop, accompanied as +far as the convent of Carmel. + + +In the ninth place, before us has come, agreeably to the citation +served upon him, Joseph, called Leschalopier, a money-changer, living +on the bridge at the sign of the Besant d'Or, who, after having +pledged his Catholic faith to say no other thing than the truth, and +that known to him, touching the process before the ecclesiastical +tribunal, has testified as follows:--"I am a poor father, much +afflicted by the sacred will of God. Before the coming of the Succubus +of the Rue Chaude, I had, for all good, a son as handsome as a noble, +learned as a clerk, and having made more than a dozen voyages into +foreign lands; for the rest a good Catholic; keeping himself on guard +against the needles of love, because he avoided marriage, knowing +himself to be the support of my old days, the love for my eyes, and +the constant delight of my heart. He was a son of whom the King of +France might have been proud--a good and courageous man, the light on +my commerce, the joy of my roof, and, above all, an inestimable +blessing, seeing that I am alone in the world, having had the +misfortune to lose my wife, and being too old to take another. Now, +monseigneur, this treasure without equal has been taken from me, and +cast into hell by the demon. Yes, my lord judge, directly he beheld +this mischievous jade, this she-devil, in whom it is a whole workshop +of perdition, a conjunction of pleasure and delectation, and whom +nothing can satiate, my poor child stuck himself fast into the gluepot +of love, and afterwards lived only between the columns of Venus, and +there did not live long, because in that place like so great a heat +that nothing can satisfy the thirst of this gulf, not even should you +plunge therein the germs of the entire world. Alas! then, my poor boy +--his fortune, his generative hopes, his eternal future, his entire +self, more than himself, have been engulfed in this sewer, like a +grain of corn in the jaws of a bull. By this means become an old +orphan I, who speak, shall have no greater joy than to see burning, +this demon, nourished with blood and gold. This Arachne who has drawn +out and sucked more marriages, more families in the seed, more hearts, +more Christians then there are lepers in all the lazar houses or +Christendom. Burn, torment this fiend--this vampire who feeds on +souls, this tigerish nature that drinks blood, this amorous lamp in +which burns the venom of all the vipers. Close this abyss, the bottom +of which no man can find.... I offer my deniers to the chapter for the +stake, and my arm to light the fire. Watch well, my lord judge, to +surely guard this devil, seeing that she has a fire more flaming than +all other terrestrial fires; she has all the fire of hell in her, the +strength of Samson in her hair, and the sound of celestial music in +her voice. She charms to kill the body and the soul at one stroke; she +smiles to bite, she kisses to devour; in short, she would wheedle an +angel, and make him deny his God. My son! my son! where is he at this +hour? The flower of my life--a flower cut by this feminine needlecase +as with scissors. Ha, lord! why have I been called? Who will give me +back my son, whose soul has been absorbed by a womb which gives death +to all, and life to none? The devil alone copulates, and engenders +not. This is my evidence, which I pray Master Tournebouche to write +without omitting one iota, and to grant me a schedule, that I may tell +it to God every evening in my prayer, to this end to make the blood of +the innocent cry aloud into His ears, and to obtain from His infinite +mercy the pardon for my son." + + +Here followed twenty and seven other statements, of which the +transcription in their true objectivity, in all their quality of space +would be over-fastidious, would draw to a great length, and divert the +thread of this curious process--a narrative which, according to +ancient precepts, should go straight to the fact, like a bull to his +principal office. Therefore, here is, in a few words, the substance of +these testimonies. + +A great number of good Christians, townsmen and townswomen, +inhabitants of the noble town of Tours, testified the demon to have +held every day wedding feasts and royal festivities, never to have +been seen in any church, to have cursed God, to have mocked the +priests, never to have crossed herself in any place; to have spoken +all the languages of the earth--a gift which has only been granted by +God to the blessed Apostles; to have been many times met in the +fields, mounted upon an unknown animal who went before the clouds; not +to grow old, and to have always a youthful face; to have received the +father and the son on the same day, saying that her door sinned not; +to have visible malign influences which flowed from her, for that a +pastrycook, seated on a bench at her door, having perceived her one +evening, received such a gust of warm love that, going in and getting +to bed, he had with great passion embraced his wife, and was found +dead on the morrow, that the old men of the town went to spend the +remainder of their days and of their money with her, to taste the joys +of the sins of their youth, and that they died like fleas on their +bellies, and that certain of them, while dying, became as black as +Moors; that this demon never allowed herself to be seen neither at +dinner, nor at breakfast, nor at supper, but ate alone, because she +lived upon human brains; that several had seen her during the night go +to the cemeteries, and there embrace the young dead men, because she +was not able to assuage otherwise the devil who worked in her +entrails, and there raged like a tempest, and from that came the +astringent biting, nitrous shooting, precipitant, and diabolical +movements, squeezings, and writhings of love and voluptuousness, from +which several men had emerged bruised, torn, bitten, pinched and +crushed; and that since the coming of our Saviour, who had imprisoned +the master devil in the bellies of the swine, no malignant beast had +ever been seen in any portion of the earth so mischievous, venomous +and so clutching; so much so that if one threw the town of Tours into +this field of Venus, she would there transmute it into the grain of +cities, and this demon would swallow it like a strawberry. + +And a thousand other statements, sayings, and depositions, from which +was evident in perfect clearness the infernal generation of this +woman, daughter, sister, niece, spouse, or brother of the devil, +beside abundant proofs of her evil doing, and of the calamity spread +by her in all families. And if it were possible to put them here +conformably with the catalogue preserved by the good man to whom he +accused the discovery, it would seem like a sample of the horrible +cries which the Egyptians gave forth on the day of the seventh plague. +Also this examination has covered with great honour Messire Guillaume +Tournebouche, by whom are quoted all the memoranda. In the tenth +vacation was thus closed this inquest, arriving at a maturity of +proof, furnished with authentic testimony and sufficiently engrossed +with the particulars, plaints, interdicts, contradictions, charges, +assignments, withdrawals, confessions public and private, oaths, +adjournments, appearances and controversies, to which the said demon +must reply. And the townspeople say everywhere if there were really a +she-devil, and furnished with internal horns planted in her nature, +with which she drank the men, and broke them, this woman might swim a +long time in this sea of writing before being landed safe and sound in +hell. + + +II +THE PROCEEDINGS TAKEN RELATIVE TO THIS FEMALE VAMPIRE. + +_In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen._ + + +In the year of our Lord one thousand two hundred and seventy-one, +before us, Hierome Cornille, grand penitentiary and ecclesiastical +judge to this, canonically appointed, have appeared-- + +The Sire Philippe d'Idre, bailiff of the town and city of Tours and +province of Touraine, living in his hotel in the Rue de la Rotisserie, +in Chateauneuf; Master Jehan Ribou, provost of the brotherhood and +company of drapers, residing on the Quay de Bretaingne, at the image +of St. Pierre-es-liens; Messire Antoine Jehan, alderman and chief of +the Brotherhood of Changers, residing in the Place du Pont, at the +image of St. Mark-counting-tournoise-pounds; Master Martin +Beaupertuys, captain of the archers of the town residing at the +castle; Jehan Rabelais, a ships' painter and boat maker residing at +the port at the isle of St. Jacques, treasurer of the brotherhood of +the mariners of the Loire; Mark Hierome, called Maschefer, hosier, at +the sign of Saint-Sebastian, president of the trades council; and +Jacques, called de Villedomer, master tavern-keeper and vine dresser, +residing in the High Street, at the Pomme de Pin; to the said Sire +d'Idre, and to the said citizens, we have read the following petition +by them, written, signed, and deliberated upon, to be brought under +the notice of the ecclesiastical tribunal:-- + + +PETITION + +We, the undersigned, all citizens of Tours, are come into the hotel of +his worship the Sire d'Idre, bailiff of Touraine, in the absence of +our mayor, and have requested him to hear our plaints and statements +concerning the following facts, which we intend to bring before the +tribunal of the archbishop, the judge of ecclesiastical crimes, to +whom should be deferred the conduct of the cause which we here +expose:-- + +A long time ago there came into this town a wicked demon in the form +of a woman, who lives in the parish of Saint-Etienne, in the house of +the innkeeper Tortebras, situated in the quit-rent of the chapter, and +under the temporal jurisdiction of the archiepiscopal domain. The +which foreigner carries on the business of a gay woman in a prodigal +and abusive manner, and with such increase of infamy that she +threatens to ruin the Catholic faith in this town, because those who +go to her come back again with their souls lost in every way, and +refuse the assistance of the Church with a thousand scandalous +discourses. + +Now considering that a great number of those who yielded to her are +dead, and that arrived in our town with no other wealth than her +beauty, she has, according to public clamour, infinite riches and +right royal treasure, the acquisition of which is vehemently +attributed to sorcery, or at least to robberies committed by the aid +of magical attractions and her supernaturally amorous person. + +Considering that it is a question of the honour and security of our +families, and that never before has been seen in this country a woman +wild of body or a daughter of pleasure, carrying on with such mischief +of vocation of light o' love, and menacing so openly and bitterly the +life, the savings, the morals, chastity, religion, and the everything +of the inhabitants of this town; + +Considering that there is need of a inquiry into her person, her +wealth and her deportment, in order to verify if these effects of love +are legitimate, and to not proceed, as would seem indicated by her +manners, from a bewitchment of Satan, who often visits Christianity +under the form of a female, as appears in the holy books, in which it +is stated that our blessed Saviour was carried away into a mountain, +from which Lucifer or Astaroth showed him the fertile plains of Judea +and that in many places have been seen succubi or demons, having the +faces of women, who, not wishing to return to hell, and having with +them an insatiable fire, attempt to refresh and sustain themselves by +sucking in souls; + +Considering that in the case of the said woman a thousand proofs of +diablerie are met with, of which certain inhabitants speak openly, and +that it is necessary for the repose of the said woman that the matter +be sifted, in order that she shall not be attacked by certain people, +ruined by the result of her wickedness; + +For these causes we pray that it will please you to submit to our +spiritual lord, father of this diocese, the most noble and blessed +archbishop Jehan de Monsoreau, the troubles of his afflicted flock, to +the end that he may advise upon them. + +By doing so you will fulfil the duties of your office, as we do those +of preservers of the security of this town, each one according to the +things of which he has charge in his locality. + +And we have signed the present, in the year of our Lord one thousand +two hundred and seventy-one, of All Saints' Day, after mass. + +Master Tournebouche having finished the reading of this petition, by +us, Hierome Cornille, has it been said to the petitioners-- + +"Gentlemen, do you, at the present time, persist in these statements? +have you proofs other than those come within your own knowledge, and +do you undertake to maintain the truth of this before God, before man, +and before the accused?" + +All, with the exception of Master Jehan Rabelais, have persisted in +their belief, and the aforesaid Rabelais has withdrawn from the +process, saying that he considered the said Moorish woman to be a +natural woman and a good wench who had no other fault than that of +keeping up a very high temperature of love. + +Then we, the judge appointed, have, after mature deliberation, found +matter upon which to proceed in the petition of the aforesaid +citizens, and have commanded that the woman at present in the jail of +the chapter shall be proceeded against by all legal methods, as +written in the canons and ordinances, _contra demonios_. The said +ordinance, embodied in a writ, shall be published by the town-crier in +all parts, and with the sound of the trumpet, in order to make it +known to all, and that each witness may, according to his knowledge, +be confronted with the said demon, and finally the said accused to be +provided with a defender, according to custom, and the interrogations, +and the process to be congruously conducted. + +(Signed) HIEROME CORNILLE. + +And, lower-down. + +TOURNEBOUCHE. + + +In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen. + + +In the year of our Lord one thousand two hundred and seventy-one, the +10th day of February, after mass, by command of us, Hierome Cornille, +ecclesiastical judge, has been brought from the jail of the chapter +and led before us the woman taken in the house of the innkeeper +Tortebras, situated in the domains of the chapter and the cathedral of +St. Maurice, and are subject to the temporal and seigneurial justice +of the Archbishop of Tours; besides which, in consequence of the +nature of the crimes imputed to her, she is liable to the tribunal and +council of ecclesiastical justice, the which we have made known to +her, to the end that she should not ignore it. + +And after a serious reading, entirely at will understood by her, in +the first place of the petition of the town, then of the statements, +plaints, accusations, and proceedings which written in twenty-four +quires by Master Tournebouche, and are above related, we have, with +the invocation and assistance of God and the Church, resolved to +ascertain the truth, first by interrogatories made to the said +accused. + +In the first interrogation we have requested the aforesaid to inform +us in what land or town she had been born. By her who speaks was it +answered: "In Mauritania." + +We have then inquired: "If she had a father or mother, or any +relations?" By her who speaks has it been replied: "That she had never +known them." By us requested to declare her name. By her who speaks +has been replied: "Zulma," in Arabian tongue. + +By us has it been demanded: "Why she spoke our language?" By her who +speaks has it been said: "Because she had come into this country." By +us has it been asked: "At what time?" By her who speaks has it been +replied: "About twelve years." + +By us has it been asked: "What age she then was?" By her who speaks +has it been answered: "Fifteen years or thereabout." + +By us has it been said: "Then you acknowledge yourself to be +twenty-seven years of age?" By her who speaks has it been replied: +"Yes." + +By us has it been said to her: "That she was then the Moorish child +found in the niche of Madame the Virgin, baptised by the Archbishop, +held at the font by the late Lord of Roche-Corbon and the Lady of +Azay, his wife, afterwards by them placed in religion at the convent +of Mount Carmel, where by her had been made vows of chastity, poverty, +silence, and the love of God, under the divine assistance of St. +Clare?" By her who speaks has been said: "That is true." + +By us has it been asked her: "If, then, she allowed to be true the +declarations of the very noble and illustrious lady the abbess of +Mount Carmel, also the statements of Jacquette, called Vieux-Oing, +being kitchen scullion?" By the accused has been answered: "These +words are true in great measure." + +Then by us has it been said to her: "Then you are a Christian?" And by +her who speaks has been answered: "Yes, my father." + +Then by us has she been requested to make the sign of the cross, and +to take holy water from the brush placed by Master Tournebouche in her +hand; the which having been done, and by us having been witnessed, it +has been admitted as an indisputable fact, that Zulma, the Moorish +woman, called in our country Blanche Bruyn, a nun of the convent under +the invocation of Mount Carmel, there named Sister Clare, and +suspected to be the false appearance of a woman under which is +concealed a demon, has in our presence made act of religion and thus +recognised the justice of the ecclesiastical tribunal. + +Then by us have these words been said to her: "My daughter, you are +vehemently suspected to have had recourse to the devil from the manner +in which you left the convent, which was supernatural in every way." +By her who speaks has it been stated, that she at that time gained +naturally the fields by the street door after vespers, enveloped in +the robes of Jehan de Marsilis, visitor of the convent, who had hidden +her, the person speaking, in a little hovel belonging to him, situated +in the Cupidon Lane, near a tower in the town. That there this said +priest had to her then speaking, at great length, and most thoroughly +taught the depths of love, of which she then speaking was before in +all points ignorant, for which delights she had a great taste, finding +them of great use. That the Sire d'Amboise having perceived her then +speaking at the window of this retreat, had been smitten with a great +love for her. That she loved him more heartily than the monk, and fled +from the hovel where she was detained for profit of his pleasure by +Don Marsilis. And then she had gone in great haste to Amboise, the +castle of the said lord, where she had had a thousand pastimes, +hunting, and dancing, and beautiful dresses fit for a queen. One day +the Sire de la Roche-Pozay having been invited by the Sire d'Amboise +to come and feast and enjoy himself, the Baron d'Amboise had allowed +him to see her then speaking, as she came out naked from her bath. +That at this sight the said Sire de la Roche-Pozay having fallen +violently in love with her, had on the morrow discomfited in single +combat the Sire d'Amboise, and by great violence, had, is spite of her +tears, taken her to the Holy Land, where she who was speaking had +lived the life of a woman well beloved, and had been held in great +respect on account of her great beauty. That after numerous +adventures, she who was speaking had returned into this country in +spite of the apprehensions of misfortune, because such was the will of +her lord and master, the Baron de Bueil, who was dying of grief in +Asiatic lands, and desired to return to his patrimonial manor. Now he +had promised her who was speaking to preserve her from peril. Now she +who was speaking had faith and belief in him, the more so as she loved +him very much; but on his arrival in this country, the Sire de Bueil +was seized with an illness, and died deplorably, without taking any +remedies, this spite of the fervent requests which she who was +speaking had addressed to him, but without success, because he hated +physicians, master surgeons, and apothecaries; and that this was the +whole truth. + +Then by us has it been said to the accused that she then held to be +true the statements of the good Sire Harduin and of the innkeeper +Tortebras. By her who speaks has it been replied, that she recognised +as evidence the greater part, and also as malicious, calumnious, and +imbecile certain portions. + +Then by us has the accused been required to declare if she had had +pleasure and carnal commerce with all the men, nobles, citizens, and +others as set forth in the plaints and declarations of the +inhabitants. To which her who speaks has it been answered with great +effrontery: "Pleasure, yes! Commerce, I do not know." + +By us has it been said to her, that all had died by her acts. By her +who speaks has it been said that their deaths could not be the result +of her acts, because she had always refused herself to them, and the +more she fled from them the more they came and embraced her with +infinite passion, and that when she who was speaking was taken by them +she gave herself up to them with all her strength, by the grace of +God, because she had in that more joy than in anything, and has +stated, she who speaks, that she avows her secret sentiments solely +because she had been requested by us to state the whole truth, and +that she the speaker stood in great fear of the torments of the +torturers. + +Then by us has she been requested to answer, under pain of torture, in +what state of mind she was when a young nobleman died in consequence +of his commerce with her. Then by her speaking has it been replied, +that she remained quite melancholy and wished to destroy herself; and +prayed God, the Virgin, and the saints to receive her into Paradise, +because never had she met with any but lovely and good hearts in which +was no guile, and beholding them die she fell into a great sadness, +fancying herself to be an evil creature or subject to an evil fate, +which she communicated like the plague. + +Then by us has she been requested to state where she paid her orisons. + +By her speaking has it been said that she played in her oratory on her +knees before God, who according to the Evangelists, sees and hears all +things and resides in all places. + +Then by us has it been demanded why she never frequented the churches, +the offices, nor the feasts. To this by her speaking has it been +answered, that those who came to love her had elected the feast days +for that purpose, and that she speaking did all things to their +liking. + +By us has it been remonstrated that, by so doing, she was submissive +to man rather than to the commandments of God. + +Then by her speaking has it been stated, that for those who loved her +well she speaking would have thrown herself into a flaming pile, never +having followed in her love any course but that of nature, and that +for the weight of the world in gold she would not have lent her body +or her love to a king who did not love her with his heart, feet, hair, +forehead, and all over. In short and moreover the speaker had never +made an act of harlotry in selling one single grain of love to a man +whom she had not chosen to be hers, and that he who held her in his +arms one hour or kissed her on the mouth a little, possessed her for +the remainder of her days. + +Then by us has she been requested to state whence preceded the jewels, +gold plate, silver, precious stones, regal furniture, carpets, et +cetera, worth 200,000 doubloons, according to the inventory found in +her residence and placed in the custody of the treasurer of the +chapter. By the speaker answer has been made, that in us she placed +all her hopes, even as much as in God, but that she dare not reply to +this, because it involved the sweetest things of love upon which she +had always lived. And interpellated anew, the speaker has said that if +the judge knew with what fervour she held him she loved, with what +obedience she followed him in good or evil ways, with what study she +submitted to him, with what happiness she listened to his desires, and +inhaled the sacred words with which his mouth gratified her, in what +adoration she held his person, even we, an old judge, would believe +with her well-beloved, that no sum could pay for this great affection +which all the men ran after. After the speaker has declared never from +any man loved by her, to have solicited any present or gift, and that +she rested perfectly contented to live in their hearts, that she would +there curl herself up with indestructible and ineffable pleasure, +finding herself richer with this heart than with anything, and +thinking of no other thing than to give them more pleasure and +happiness than she received from them. But in spite of the iterated +refusals of the speaker her lovers persisted in graciously rewarding +her. At times one came to her with a necklace of pearls, saying, "This +is to show my darling that the satin of her skin did not falsely +appear to me whiter than pearls" and would put it on the speaker's +neck, kissing her lovingly. The speaker would be angry at these +follies, but could not refuse to keep a jewel that gave them pleasure +to see it there where they placed it. Each one had a different fancy. +At times another liked to tear the precious garments which the speaker +wore to gratify him; another to deck out the speaker with sapphires on +her arms, on her legs, on her neck, and in her hair; another to seat +her on the carpet, clad in silk or black velvet, and to remain for +days together in ecstasy at the perfections of the speaker the whom +the things desired by her lovers gave infinite pleasure, because these +things rendered them quite happy. And the speaker has said, that as we +love nothing so much as our pleasure, and wish that everything should +shine in beauty and harmonise, outside as well as inside the heart, so +they all wished to see the place inhabited by the speaker adorned with +handsome objects, and from this idea all her lovers were pleased as +much as she was in spreading thereabout gold, silks and flowers. Now +seeing that these lovely things spoil nothing, the speaker had no +force or commandment by which to prevent a knight, or even a rich +citizen beloved by her, having his will, and thus found herself +constrained to receive rare perfumes and other satisfaction with which +the speaker was loaded, and that such was the source of the gold, +plate, carpets, and jewels seized at her house by the officers of +justice. This terminates the first interrogation made to the said +Sister Clare, suspected to be a demon, because we the judge and +Guillaume Tournebouche, are greatly fatigued with having the voice of +the aforesaid, in our ears, and finding our understanding in every way +muddled. + +By us the judge has the second interrogatory been appointed, three +days from to-day, in order that the proofs of the possession and +presence of the demon in the body of the aforesaid may be sought, and +the accused, according to the order of the judge, has been taken back +to the jail under the conduct of Master Guillaume Tournebouche. + + +In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen. + + +On the thirteenth day following of the said month of the February +before us, Hierome Cornille, et cetera, has been produced the Sister +Clare above-mentioned, in order to be interrogated upon the facts and +deeds to her imputed, and of them to be convicted. + +By us, the judge, has it been said to the accused that, looking at the +divers responses by her given to the proceeding interrogatories, it +was certain that it never had been in the power of a simple woman, +even if she were authorised, if such licence were allowed to lead the +life of a loose woman, to give pleasure to all, to cause so many +deaths, and to accomplish sorceries so perfect, without the assistance +of a special demon lodged in her body, and to whom her soul had been +sold by an especial compact. That it had been clearly demonstrated +that under her outward appearance lies and moves a demon, the author +of these evils, and that she was now called upon to declare at what +age she had received the demon, to vow the agreement existing between +herself and him, and to tell the truth concerning their common evil +doings. By the speaker was it replied that she would answer us, man, +as to God, who would be judge of all of us. Then has the speaker +pretended never to have seen the demon, neither to have spoken with +him, nor in any way to desire to see him; never to have led the life +of a courtesan, because she, the speaker, had never practised the +various delights that love invents, other than those furnished by the +pleasure which the Sovereign Creator has put in the thing, and to have +always been incited more from the desire of being sweet and good to +the dear lord loved by her, then by an incessantly raging desire. But +if such had been her inclination, the speaker begged us to bear in +mind that she was a poor African girl, in whom God had placed very hot +blood, and in her brain so easy an understanding of the delights of +love, that if a man only looked at her she felt greatly moved in her +heart. That if from desire of acquaintance an amorous gentleman +touched the speaker her on any portion of the body, there passing his +hand, she was, in spite of everything, under his power, because her +heart failed her instantly. By this touch, the apprehension and +remembrance of all the sweet joys of love woke again in her breast, +and there caused an intense heat, which mounted up, flamed in her +veins, and made her love and joy from head to foot. And since the day +when Don Marsilis had first awakened the understanding of the speaker +concerning these things, she had never had any other thought, and +thenceforth recognised love to be a thing so perfectly concordant with +her nature, that it had since been proved to the speaker that in +default of love and natural relief she would have died, withered at +the said convent. As evidence of which, the speaker affirms as a +certainty, that after her flight from the said convent she had not +passed a single day or one particle of time in melancholy and sadness, +but always was she joyous, and thus followed the sacred will of God, +which she believed to have been diverted during the time lost by her +in the convent. + +To this was it objected by us, Hierome Cornille, to the said demon, +that in this response she had openly blasphemed against God, because +we had all been made to his greater glory, and placed in the world to +honour and to serve Him, to have before our eyes His blessed +commandments, and to live in sanctity, in order to gain eternal life, +and not to be always in bed, doing that which even the beasts only do +at a certain time. Then by the said sister, has answer been made, that +she honoured God greatly, that in all countries she had taken care of +the poor and suffering, giving them both money and raiment, and that +at the last judgement-day she hoped to have around her a goodly +company of holy works pleasant to God, which would intercede for her. +That but for her humility, a fear of being reproached and of +displeasing the gentlemen of the chapter, she would with joy have +spent her wealth in finishing the cathedral of St. Maurice, and there +have established foundations for the welfare of her soul--would have +spared therein neither her pleasure nor her person, and that with this +idea she would have taken double pleasure in her nights, because each +one of her amours would have added a stone to the building of this +basilic. Also the more this purpose, and for the eternal welfare of +the speaker, would they have right heartily given their wealth. + +Then by us has it been said to this demon that she could not justify +the fact of her sterility, because in spite of so much commerce, no +child had been born of her, the which proved the presence of a demon +in her. Moreover, Astaroth alone, or an apostle, could speak all +languages, and she spoke after the manner of all countries, the which +proved the presence of the devil in her. Thereupon the speaker has +asked: "In what consisted the said diversity of language?"--that of +Greek she knew nothing but a Kyrie eleison, of which she made great +use; of Latin, nothing, save Amen, which she said to God, wishing +therewith to obtain her liberty. That for the rest the speaker had +felt great sorrow, being without children, and if the good wives had +them, she believed it was because they took so little pleasure in the +business, and she, the speaker, a little too much. But that such was +doubtless the will of God, who thought that from too great happiness, +the world would be in danger of perishing. Taking this into +consideration, and a thousand other reasons, which sufficiently +establish the presence of the devil in the body of the sister, because +the peculiar property of Lucifer is to always find arguments having +the semblance of truth, we have ordered that in our presence the +torture be applied to the said accused, and that she be well tormented +in order to reduce the said demon by suffering to submit to the +authority of the Church, and have requested to render us assistance +one Francois de Hangest, master surgeon and doctor to the chapter, +charging him by a codicil hereunder written to investigate the +qualities of the feminine nature (virtutes vulvae) of the +above-mentioned woman, to enlighten our religion on the methods +employed by this demon to lay hold of souls in that way, and see if +any article was there apparent. + +Then the said Moorish women had wept bitterly, tortured in advance, +and in spite of her irons, has knelt down imploring with cries and +clamour the revocation of this order, objecting that her limbs were in +such a feeble state, and her bones so tender, that they would break +like glass; and finally, has offered to purchase her freedom from this +by the gift all her goods to the chapter, and to quit incontinently +the country. + +Upon this, by us has she been required to voluntarily declare herself +to be, and to have always been, demon of the nature of the Succubus, +which is a female devil whose business it is to corrupt Christians by +the blandishments and flagitious delights of love. To this the speaker +has replied that the affirmation would be an abominable falsehood, +seeing that she had always felt herself to be a most natural woman. + +Then her irons being struck off by the torturer, the aforesaid has +removed her dress, and has maliciously and with evil design bewildered +and attacked our understandings with the sight of her body, the which, +for a fact, exercises upon a man supernatural coercion. + +Master Guillaume Tournebouche has, by reason of nature, quitted the +pen at this period, and retired, objecting that he was unable, without +incredible temptations, which worked in his brain, to be a witness of +this torture, because he felt the devil violently gaining his person. + +This finishes the second interrogatory; and as the apparitor and +janitor of the chapter have stated Master Francois de Hangest to be in +the country, the torture and interrogations are appointed for +to-morrow at the hour of noon after mass. + +This has been written verbally by me, Hierome, in the absence of +Master Guillaume Tournebouche, on whose behalf it is signed. + +HIEROME CORNILLE +Grand Penitentiary. + + +PETITION + +Today, the fourteenth day of the month of February, in the presence of +me, Hierome Cornille, have appeared the said Masters Jehan Ribou, +Antoine Jehan, Martin Beaupertuys, Hierome Maschefer, Jacques de Ville +d'Omer, and the Sire d'Idre, in place of the mayor of the city of +Tours, for the time absent. All plaintiffs designated in the act of +process made at the Town Hall, to whom we have, at the request of +Blanche Bruyn (now confessing herself a nun of the convent of Mount +Carmel, under the name of Sister Clare), declared the appeal made to +the Judgment of God by the said person accused of demonical +possession, and her offer to pass through the ordeal of fire and +water, in presence of the Chapter and of the town of Tours, in order +to prove her reality as a woman and her innocence. + +To this request have agreed for their parts, the said accusers, who, +on condition that the town is security for it, have engaged to prepare +a suitable place and a pile, to be approved by the godparents of the +accused. + +Then by us, the judge, has the first day of the new year been +appointed for the day of the ordeal--which will be next Paschal Day +--and we have indicated the hour of noon, after mass, each of the +parties having acknowledged this delay to be sufficient. + +And the present proclamation shall be cited, at the suit of each of +them, in all the towns, boroughs, and castles of Touraine and the land +of France, at their request and at their cost and suit. + +HIEROME CORNILLE. + + +III +WHAT THE SUCCUBUS DID TO SUCK OUT THE SOUL OF THE OLD JUDGE, AND +WHAT CAME OF THE DIABOLICAL DELECTATION. + +This the act of extreme confession made the first day of the month of +March, in the year one thousand two hundred and seventy-one, after the +coming of our blessed Saviour, by Hierome Cornille, priest, canon of +the chapter of the cathedral of St. Maurice, grand penitentiary, of +all acknowledging himself unworthy, who, finding his last hour to be +come, and contrite of his sins, evil doings, forfeits, bad deeds, and +wickednesses, has desired his avowal to be published to serve the +preconisation of the truth, the glory of God, the justice of the +tribunal, and to be an alleviation to him of his punishment, in the +other world. The said Hierome Cornille being on his deathbed, there +had been convoked to hear his declarations, Jehan de la Haye (de +Hago), vicar of the church of St. Maurice; Pietro Guyard, treasurer of +the chapter, appointed by our Lord Jean de Monsoreau, Archbishop, to +write his words; and Dom Louis Pot, a monk of maius MONASTERIUM +(Marmoustier), chosen by him for a spiritual father and confessor; all +three assisted by the great and illustrious Dr Guillaume de Censoris, +Roman Archdeacon, at present sent into the diocese (LEGATUS), by our +Holy Father the Pope; and, finally, in the presence of a great number +of Christians come to be witnesses of the death of the said Hierome +Cornille, upon his known wish to make act of public repentance, seeing +that he was fast sinking, and that his words might open the eyes of +Christians about to fall into hell. + +And before him, Hierome, who, by reason of his great weakness could +not speak, has Dom Louis Pot read the following confession to the +great agitation of the said company:-- + +"My brethren, until the seventy-first year of my age, which is the one +in which I now am, with the exception of the little sins through +which, all holy though he be, a Christian renders himself culpable +before God, but which it is allowed to us to repurchase by penitence, +I believe I led a Christian life, and merited the praise and renown +bestowed upon me in this diocese, where I was raised to the high +office of grand penitentiary, of which I am unworthy. Now, struck with +the knowledge of the infinite glory of God, horrified at the agonies +which await the wicked and prevaricators in hell, I have thought to +lessen the enormity of my sins by the greatest penitence I can show in +the extreme hour at which I am. Thus I have prayed of the Church, whom +I have deceived and betrayed, whose rights and judicial renown I have +sold, to grant me the opportunity of accusing myself publicly in the +manner of ancient Christians. I hoped, in order to show my great +repentance, to have still enough life in me to be reviled at the door +of the cathedral by all my brethren, to remain there an entire day on +my knees, holding a candle, a cord around my neck, and my feet naked, +seeing that I had followed the way of hell with regard to the sacred +instincts of the Church. But in this great shipwreck of my fragile +virtue, which will be to you as a warning to fly from vice and the +snares of the demon, and to take refuge in the Church, where all help +is, I have been so bewitched by Lucifer that our Saviour Jesus Christ +will take, by the intercession of all you whose help and prayers I +request, pity on me, a poor abused Christian, whose eyes now stream +with tears. So would I have another life to spend in works of +penitence. Now then listen and tremble with great fear! Elected by the +assembled Chapter to carry it out, instruct, and complete the process +commenced against a demon, who had appeared in a feminine shape, in +the person of a relapse nun--an abominable person, denying God, and +bearing the name of Zulma in the infidel country whence she comes; the +which devil is known in the diocese under that of Clare, of the +convent of Mount Carmel, and has much afflicted the town by putting +herself under an infinite number of men to gain their souls to Mammon, +Astaroth, and Satan--princes of hell, by making them leave this world +in a state of mortal sin, and causing their death where life has its +source, I have, I the judge, fallen in my latter days into this snare, +and have lost my senses, while acquitting myself traitorously of the +functions committed with great confidence by the Chapter to my cold +senility. Hear how subtle the demon is, and stand firm against her +artifices. While listening to the first response of the aforesaid +Succubus, I saw with horror that the irons placed upon her feet and +hands left no mark there, and was astonished at her hidden strength +and at her apparent weakness. Then my mind was troubled suddenly at +the sight of the natural perfections with which the devil was endowed. +I listened to the music of her voice, which warmed me from head to +foot, and made me desire to be young, to give myself up to this demon, +thinking that for an hour passed in her company my eternal salvation +was but poor payment for the pleasure of love tasted in those slender +arms. Then I lost that firmness with which all judges should be +furnished. This demon by me questioned, reasoned with me in such a +manner that at the second interrogatory I was firmly persuaded I +should be committing a crime in fining and torturing a poor little +creature who cried like an innocent child. Then warned by a voice from +on high to do my duty, and that these golden words, the music of +celestial appearance, were diabolical mummeries, that this body, so +pretty, so infatuating, would transmute itself into a bristly beast +with sharp claws, those eyes so soft into flames of hell, her behind +into a scaly tail, the pretty rosebud mouth and gentle lips into the +jaws of a crocodile, I came back to my intention of having the said +Succubus tortured until she avowed her permission, as this practice +had already been followed in Christianity. Now when this demon showed +herself stripped to me, to be put to the torture, I was suddenly +placed in her power by magical conjurations. I felt my old bones +crack, my brain received a warm light, my heart transhipped young and +boiling blood. I was light in myself, and by virtue of the magic +philter thrown into my eyes the snows on my forehead melted away. I +lost all conscience of my Christian life and found myself a schoolboy, +running about the country, escaped from class and stealing apples. I +had not the power to make the sign of the cross, neither did I +remember the Church, God the Father, nor the sweet Saviour of men. A +prey to this design, I went about the streets thinking over the +delights of that voice, the abominable, pretty body of this demon, and +saying a thousand wicked things to myself. Then pierced and drawn by a +blow of the devil's fork, who had planted himself already in my head +as a serpent in an oak, I was conducted by this sharp prong towards +the jail, in spite of my guardian angel, who from time to time pulled +me by the arm and defended me against these temptations, but in spite +of his holy advice and his assistance I was dragged by a million claws +stuck into my heart, and soon found myself in the jail. As soon as the +door was opened to me I saw no longer any appearance of a prison, +because the Succubus had there, with the assistance of evil genii or +fays, constructed a pavilion of purple and silk, full of perfumes and +flowers, where she was seated, superbly attired with neither irons on +her neck nor chains on her feet. I allowed myself to be stripped of my +ecclesiastical vestments, and was put into a scent bath. Then the +demon covered me with a Saracen robe, entertained me with a repast of +rare viands contained in precious vases, gold cups, Asiatic wines, +songs and marvellous music, and a thousand sweet sounds that tickled +my soul by means of my ears. At my side kept always the said Succubus, +and her sweet, delectable embrace distilled new ardour into my +members. My guardian angel quitted me. Then I lived only by the +terrible light of the Moorish woman's eyes, coveted the warm embraces +of the delicate body, wished always to feel her red lips, that I +believed natural, and had no fear of the bite of those teeth which +drew me to the bottom of hell, I delighted to feel the unequalled +softness of her hands without thinking that they were unnatural claws. +In short, I acted like husband desiring to go to his affianced without +thinking that that spouse was everlasting death. I had no thought for +the things of this world nor the interests of God, dreaming only of +love, of the sweet breasts of this woman, who made me burn, and of the +gate of hell in which I wished to cast myself. Alas! my brethren, +during three days and three nights was I thus constrained to toil +without being able to stop the stream which flowed from my reins, in +which were plunged, like two pikes, the hands of the Succubus, which +communicated to my poor old age and to my dried up bones, I know not +what sweat of love. At first this demon, to draw me to her, caused to +flow in my inside the softness of milk, then came poignant joys which +pricked like a hundred needles my bones, my marrow, my brain, and my +nerves. Then all this gone, all things became inflamed, my head, my +blood, my nerves, my flesh, my bones, and then I burned with the real +fire of hell, which caused me torments in my joints, and an +incredible, intolerable, tearing voluptuousness which loosened the +bonds of my life. The tresses of this demon, which enveloped my poor +body, poured upon me a stream of flame, and I felt each lock like a +bar of red iron. During this mortal delectation I saw the ardent face +of the said Succubus, who laughed and addressed to me a thousand +exciting words; such as that I was her knight, her lord, her lance, +her day, her joy, her hero, her life, her good, her rider, and that +she would like to clasp me even closer, wishing to be in my skin or +have me in hers. Hearing which, under the prick of this tongue which +sucked out my soul, I plunged and precipitated myself finally into +hell without finding the bottom. And then when I had no more a drop of +blood in my veins, when my heart no longer beat in my body, and I was +ruined at all points, the demon, still fresh, white, rubicund, +glowing, and laughing, said to me-- + +"'Poor fool, to think me a demon! Had I asked thee to sell thy soul +for a kiss, wouldst thou not give it to me with all thy heart?' + +"'Yes,' said I. + +"'And if always to act thus it were necessary for thee to nourish +thyself with the blood of new-born children in order always to have +new life to spend in my arms, would you not imbibe it willingly?' + +"'Yes,' said I. + +"'And to be always my gallant horseman, gay as a man in his prime, +feeling life, drinking pleasure, plunging to the depths of joy as a +swimmer into the Loire, wouldst thou not deny God, wouldst thou not +spit in the face of Jesus?' + +"'Yes,' said I. + +"Then I felt a hundred sharp claws which tore my diaphragm as if the +beaks of a thousand birds there took their bellyfuls, shrieking. Then +I was lifted suddenly above the earth upon the said Succubus, who had +spread her wings, and cried to me-- + +"'Ride, ride, my gallant rider! Hold yourself firmly on the back of +thy mule, by her mane, by her neck; and ride, ride, my gallant rider +--everything rides!' And then I saw, as a thick fog, the cities of the +earth, where by a special gift I perceived each one coupled with a +female demon, and tossing about, and engendering in great +concupiscence, all shrieking a thousand words of love and exclamations +of all kinds, and all toiling away with ecstasy. Then my horse with +the Moorish head pointed out to me, still flying and galloping beyond +the clouds, the earth coupled with the sun in a conjunction, from +which proceeded a germ of stars, and there each female world was +embracing a male world; but in place of the words used by creatures, +the worlds were giving forth the howls of tempests, throwing up +lightnings and crying thunders. Then still rising, I saw overhead the +female nature of all things in love with the Prince of Movement. Now, +by way of mockery, the Succubus placed me in the centre of this +horrible and perpetual conflict, where I was lost as a grain of sand +in the sea. Then still cried my white mare to me, 'Ride, ride my +gallant rider--all things ride!' Now, thinking how little was a priest +in this torment of the seed of worlds, nature always clasped together, +and metals, stones, waters, airs, thunders, fish, plants, animals, +men, spirits, worlds and planets, all embracing with rage, I denied +the Catholic faith. Then the Succubus, pointing out to me the great +patch of stars seen in heavens, said to me, 'That way is a drop of +celestial seed escaped from great flow of the worlds in conjunction.' +Thereupon I instantly clasped the Succubus with passion by the light +of a thousand million of stars, and I wished in clasping her to feel +the nature of those thousand million creatures. Then by this great +effort of love I fell impotent in every way, and heard a great +infernal laugh. Then I found myself in my bed, surrounded by my +servitors, who had had the courage to struggle with the demon, +throwing into the bed where I was stretched a basin full of holy +water, and saying fervent prayers to God. Then had I to sustain, in +spite of this assistance, a horrible combat with the said Succubus, +whose claws still clutched my heart, causing me infinite pains; still, +while reanimated by the voice of my servitors, relations, and friends, +I tried to make the sacred sign of the cross; the Succubus perched on +my bed, on the bolster, at the foot, everywhere, occupying herself in +distracting my nerves, laughing, grimacing, putting before my eyes a +thousand obscene images, and causing me a thousand wicked desires. +Nevertheless, taking pity on me, my lord the Archbishop caused the +relics of St. Gatien to be brought, and the moment the shrine had +touched my bed the said Succubus was obliged to depart, leaving an +odour of sulphur and of hell, which made the throats of my servants, +friends, and others sore for a whole day. Then the celestial light of +God having enlightened my soul, I knew I was, through my sins and my +combat with the evil spirit, in great danger of dying. Then did I +implore the especial mercy, to live just a little time to render glory +to God and his Church, objecting the infinite merits of Jesus dead +upon the cross for the salvation of the Christians. By this prayer I +obtained the favour of recovering sufficient strength to accuse myself +of my sins, and to beg of the members of the Church of St. Maurice +their aid and assistance to deliver me from purgatory, where I am +about to atone for my faults by infinite agonies. Finally, I declare +that my proclamation, wherein the said demon appeals the judgment of +God by the ordeals of holy water and a fire, is a subterfuge due to an +evil design suggested by the said demon, who would thus have had the +power to escape the justice of the tribunal of the Archbishop and of +the Chapter, seeing that she secretly confessed to me, to be able to +make another demon accustomed to the ordeal appear in her place. And, +in conclusion, I give and bequeath to the Chapter of the Church of St. +Maurice my property of all kinds, to found a chapter in the said +church, to build it and adorn it and put it under the invocation of +St. Hierome and St. Gatien, of whom one is my patron and the other the +saviour of my soul." + +This, heard by all the company, has been brought to the notice of the +ecclesiastical tribunal by Jehan to la Haye (Johannes de Haga). + + +We, Jehan de la Haye (Johannes de Haga), elected grand penitentiary of +St. Maurice by the general assembly of the Chapter, according to the +usage and custom of that church, and appointed to pursue afresh the +trial of the demon Succubus, at present in the jail of the Chapter, +have ordered a new inquest, at which will be heard all those of this +diocese having cognisance of the facts relative thereto. We declared +void the other proceedings, interrogations, and decrees, and annul +them in the name of the members of the Church in general, and +sovereign Chapter assembled, and declare that the appeal to God, +traitorously made by the demon, shall not take place, in consequence +of the notorious treachery of the devil in this affair. And the said +judgment shall be cried by sound of trumpet in all parts of the +diocese in which have been published the false edicts of the preceding +month, all notoriously due to the instigation of the demon, according +to the confession of the late Hierome Cornille. + +Let all good Christians be of assistance to our Holy Church, and to +her commandments. + +JEHAN DE LA HAYE. + + +IV +HOW THE MOORISH WOMAN OF THE RUE CHAUDE TWISTED ABOUT SO BRISKLY +THAT WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY WAS SHE BURNED AND COOKED ALIVE, TO +THE GREAT LOSS OF THE INFERNAL REGIONS. + +This was written in the month of May, of the year 1360, after the +manner of a testament. + + +"My very dear and well-beloved son, when it shall be lawful for thee +to read this I shall be, I thy father, reposing in the tomb, imploring +thy prayers, and supplicating thee to conduct thyself in life as it +will be commanded thee in this rescript, bequeathed for the good +government of thy family, thy future, and safety; for I have done this +at a period when I had my senses and understanding, still recently +affected by the sovereign injustice of men. In my virile age I had a +great ambition to raise myself in the Church, and therein to obtain +the highest dignities, because no life appeared to me more splendid. +Now with this earnest idea, I learned to read and write, and with +great trouble became in a fit condition to enter the clergy. But +because I had no protection, or good advice to superintend my training +I had an idea of becoming the writer, tabellion, and rubrican of the +Chapter of St. Maurice, in which were the highest and richest +personages of Christendom, since the King of France is only therein a +simple canon. Now there I should be able better than anywhere else to +find services to render to certain lords, and thus to find a master or +gain patronage, and by this assistance enter into religion, and be +mitred and esconced in an archiepiscopal chair, somewhere or other. +But this first vision was over credulous, and a little too ambitious, +the which God caused me clearly to perceive by the sequel. In fact, +Messire Jepan de Villedomer, who afterwards became cardinal, was given +this appointment, and I was rejected, discomfited. Now in this unhappy +hour I received an alleviation of my troubles, by the advice of the +good old Hierome Cornille, of whom I have often spoken to you. This +dear man induced me, by his kindness, to become penman to the Chapter +of St. Maurice and the Archbishop of Tours, the which offer I accepted +with joy, since I was reputed a scrivener. At the time I was about to +enter into the presbytery commenced the famous process against the +devil of the Rue Chaude, of which the old folk still talk, and which +in its time, has been recounted in every home in France. Now, +believing that it would be of great advantage to my ambition, and that +for this assistance the Chapter would raise me to some dignity, my +good master had me appointed for the purpose of writing all of that +should be in this grave cause, subject to writing. At the very outset +Monseigneur Hierome Cornille, a man approaching eighty years, of great +sense, justice, and sound understanding, suspected some spitefulness +in this cause, although he was not partial to immodest girls, and had +never been involved with a woman in his life, and was holy and +venerable, with a sanctity which had caused him to be selected as a +judge, all this not withstanding. As soon as the depositions were +completed, and the poor wench heard, it remained clear that although +this merry doxy had broken her religious vows, she was innocent of all +devilry, and that her great wealth was coveted by her enemies, and +other persons, whom I must not name to thee for reasons of prudence. +At this time every one believed her to be so well furnished with +silver and gold that she could have bought the whole county of +Touraine, if so it had pleased her. A thousand falsehoods and +calumnious words concerning the girl, envied by all the honest women, +were circulated and believed in as gospel. At this period Master +Hierome Cornille, having ascertained that no demon other than that of +love was in the girl, made her consent to remain in a convent for the +remainder of her days. And having ascertained certain noble knights +brave in war and rich in domains, that they would do everything to +save her, he invited her secretly to demand of her accusers the +judgment of God, at the same time giving her goods to the chapter, in +order to silence mischievous tongues. By this means would be saved +from the stake the most delicate flower that ever heaven has allowed +to fall upon our earth; the which flower yielded only from excessive +tenderness and amiability to the malady of love, cast by her eyes into +the hearts of all her pursuers. But the real devil, under the form of +a monk, mixed himself up in this affair; in this wise: great enemy of +the virtue, wisdom, and sanctity of Monsignor Hierome Cornille, named +Jehan de la Haye, having learned that in the jail, the poor girl was +treated like a queen, wickedly accused the grand penitentiary of +connivance with her and of being her servitor, because, said this +wicked priest, she makes him young, amorous, and happy, from which the +poor old man died of grief in one day, knowing by this that Jehan de +la Haye had worn his ruin and coveted his dignities. In fact, our lord +the archbishop visited the jail, and found the Moorish woman in a +pleasant place, reposing comfortably, and without irons, because, +having placed a diamond in a place when none could have believed she +could have held it, she had purchased the clemency of her jailer. At +the time certain persons said that this jailer was smitten with her, +and that from love, or perhaps in great fear of the young barons, +lovers of this woman, he had planned her escape. The good man Cornille +being at the point of death, through the treachery of Jehan de la +Haye, the Chapter thinking it necessary to make null and void the +proceedings taken by the penitentiary, and also his decrees, the said +Jehan de la Haye, at that time a simple vicar of the cathedral, +pointed out that to do this it would be sufficient to obtain a public +confession from the good man on his death-bed. Then was the moribund +tortured and tormented by the gentleman of the Chapter, those of Saint +Martin, those of Marmoustiers, by the archbishop and also by the +Pope's legate, in order that he might recant to the advantage of the +Church, to which the good man would not consent. But after a thousand +ills, the public confession was prepared, at which the most noteworthy +people of the town assisted, and the which spread more horror and +consternation than I can describe. The churches of the diocese held +public prayers for this calamity, and every one expected to see the +devil tumble into his house by the chimney. But the truth of it is +that the good Master Hierome had a fever, and saw cows in his room, +and then was this recantation obtained of him. The access passed, the +poor saint wept copiously on learning this trick from me. In fact, he +died in my arms, assisted by his physicians, heartbroken at this +mummery, telling us that he was going to the feet of God to pray to +prevent the consummation of this deplorable iniquity. The poor Moorish +woman had touched him much by her tears and repentance, seing that +before making her demand for the judgment of God he had minutely +confessed her, and by that means had disentangled the soul divine +which was in the body, and of which he spoke as of a diamond worthy of +adorning the holy crown of God, when she should have departed this +life, after repenting her sins. Then, my dear son, knowing by the +statements made in the town, and by the naive responses of this +unhappy wretch, all the trickery of this affair, I determined by the +advice of Master Francois de Hangest, physician of the chapter, to +feign an illness and quit the service of the Church of St. Maurice and +of the archbishopric, in order not to dip my hands in the innocent +blood, which still cries and will continue to cry aloud unto God until +the day of the last judgment. Then was the jailer dismissed, and in +his place was put the second son of the torturer, who threw the +Moorish woman into a dungeon, and inhumanly put upon her hands and +feet chains weighing fifty pounds, besides a wooden waistband; and the +jail were watched by the crossbowmen of the town and the people of the +archbishop. The wench was tormented and tortured, and her bones were +broken; conquered by sorrow, she made an avowal according to the +wishes of Jehan de la Haye, and was instantly condemned to be burned +in the enclosure of St. Etienne, having been previously placed in the +portals of the church, attired in a chemise of sulphur, and her goods +given over to the Chapter, et cetera. This order was the cause of +great disturbances and fighting in the town, because three young +knights of Touraine swore to die in the service of the poor girl, and +to deliver her in all possible ways. Then they came into the town, +accompanied by thousands of sufferers, labouring people, old soldiers, +warriors, courtesans, and others, whom the said girls had succoured, +saved from misfortune, from hunger and misery, and searched all the +poor dwellings of the town where lay those to whom she had done good. +Thus all were stirred up and called together to the plain of +Mount-Louis under the protection of the soldiers of the said lords; +they had for companions all the scape-graces of the said twenty +leagues around, and came one morning to lay siege to the prison of the +archbishop, demanding that the Moorish woman should be given up to +them as though they would put her to death, but in fact to set her +free, and to place her secretly upon a swift horse, that she might +gain the open country, seeing that she rode like a groom. Then in this +frightful tempest of men have we seen between the battlements of the +archiepiscopal palace and the bridges, more than ten thousand men +swarming, besides those who were perched upon the roofs of the houses +and climbing on all the balconies to see the sedition; in short it was +easy to hear the horrible cries of the Christians, who were terribly in +earnest, and of those who surrounded the jail with the intention of +setting the poor girl free, across the Loire, the other side of Saint +Symphorien. The suffocation and squeezing of bodies was so great in +this immense crowd, bloodthirsty for the poor creature at whose knees +they would have fallen had they had the opportunity of seeing her, that +seven children, eleven women, and eight citizens were crushed and +smashed beyond all recognition, since they were like splodges of mud; +in short, so wide open was the great mouth of this popular leviathan, +this horrible monster, that the clamour was heard at +Montils-les-Tours. All cried 'Death to the Succubus! Throw out the +demon! Ha! I'd like a quarter! I'll have her skin! The foot for me, the +mane for thee! The head for me! The something for me! Is it red? Shall +we see? Will it be grilled? Death to her! death!' Each one had his say. +But the cry, 'Largesse to God! Death to the Succubus!' was yelled at +the same time by the crowd so hoarsely and so cruelly that one's ears +and heart bled therefrom; and the other cries were scarcely heard in +the houses. The archbishop decided, in order to calm this storm which +threatened to overthrow everything, to come out with great pomp from +the church, bearing the host, which would deliver the Chapter from +ruin, since the wicked young men and the lords had sworn to destroy +and burn the cloisters and all the canons. Now by this stratagem the +crowd was obliged to break up, and from lack of provisions return to +their houses. Then the monks of Touraine, the lords, and the citizens, +in great apprehension of pillage on the morrow, held a nocturnal +council, and accepted the advice of the Chapter. By their efforts the +men-at-arms, archers, knights, and citizens, in a large number, kept +watch, and killed a party of shepherds, road menders, and vagrants, +who, knowing the disturbed state of Tours, came to swell the ranks of +the malcontents. The Sire Harduin de Maille, an old nobleman, reasoned +with the young knights, who were the champions of the Moorish woman, +and argued sagely with them, asking them if for so small a woman they +wished to put Touraine to fire and sword; that even if they were +victorious they would be masters of the bad characters brought +together by them; that these said freebooters, after having sacked the +castles of their enemies, would turn to those of their chiefs. That +the rebellion commenced had had no success in the first attack, +because up to that time the place was untouched, could they have any +over the church, which would invoke the aid of the king? And a +thousand other arguments. To these reasons the young knights replied, +that it was easy for the Chapter to aid the girl's escape in the +night, and that thus the cause of the sedition would be removed. To +this humane and wise requests replied Monseigneur de Censoris, the +Pope's legate, that it was necessary that strength should remain with +the religion of the Church. And thereupon the poor wench payed for +all, since it was agreed that no inquiry should be made concerning +this sedition. + +"Then the Chapter had full licence to proceed to the penance of the +girl, to which act and ecclesiastical ceremony the people came from +twelve leagues around. So that on the day when, after divine +satisfaction, the Succubus was to be delivered up to secular justice, +in order to be publicly burnt at a stake, not for a gold pound would a +lord or even an abbott have been found lodging in the town of Tours. +The night before many camped outside the town in tents, or slept upon +straw. Provisions were lacking, and many who came with their bellies +full, returned with their bellies empty, having seen nothing but the +reflection of the fire in the distance. And the bad characters did +good strokes of business by the way. + +"The poor courtesan was half dead; her hair had whitened. She was, to +tell the truth, nothing but a skeleton, scarcely covered with flesh, +and her chains weighed more than she did. If she had had joy in her +life, she paid dearly for it at this moment. Those who saw her pass +say that she wept and shrieked in a way that should have earned the +pity of her hardest pursuers; and in the church there were compelled +to put a piece of wood in her mouth, which she bit as a lizard bites a +stick. Then the executioner tied her to a stake to sustain her, since +she let herself roll at times and fell for want of strength. Then she +suddenly recovered a vigorous handful, because, this notwithstanding, +she was able, it is said to break her cords and escape into the +church, where in remembrance of her old vocation, she climbed quickly +into galleries above, flying like a bird along the little columns and +small friezes. She was about to escape on to the roof when a soldier +perceived her, and thrust his spear in the sole of her foot. In spite +of her foot half cut through, the poor girl still ran along the church +without noticing it, going along with her bones broken and her blood +gushing out, so great fear had she of the flames of the stake. At last +she was taken and bound, thrown into a tumbrel and led to the stake, +without being afterwards heard to utter a cry. The account of her +flight in the church assisted in making the common people believe that +she was the devil, and some of them said that she had flown in the +air. As soon as the executioner of the town threw her into the flames, +she made two or three horrible leaps and fell down into the bottom of +the pile, which burned day and night. On the following evening I went +to see if anything remained of this gentle girl, so sweet, so loving, +but I found nothing but a fragment of the 'os stomachal,' in which, is +spite of this, there still remained some moisture, and which some say +still trembled like a woman does in the same place. It is impossible +to tell, my dear son, the sadnesses, without number and without equal, +which for about ten years weighed upon me; always was I thinking of +this angel burnt by wicked men, and always I beheld her with her eyes +full of love. In short the supernatural gifts of this artless child +were shining day and night before me, and I prayed for her in the +church, where she had been martyred. At length I had neither the +strength nor the courage to look without trembling upon the grand +penitentiary Jehan de la Haye, who died eaten up by lice. Leprosy was +his punishment. Fire burned his house and his wife; and all those who +had a hand in the burning had their own hands singed. + +"This, my well-beloved son, was the cause of a thousand ideas, which I +have here put into writing to be forever the rule of conduct in our +family. + +"I quitted the service of the church, and espoused your mother, from +whom I received infinite blessings, and with whom I shared my life, my +goods, my soul, and all. And she agreed with me in following precepts +--Firstly, that to live happily, it is necessary to keep far away from +church people, to honour them much without giving them leave to enter +your house, any more than to those who by right, just or unjust, are +supposed to be superior to us. Secondly, to take a modest condition, +and to keep oneself in it without wishing to appear in any way rich. +To have a care to excite no envy, nor strike any onesoever in any +manner, because it is needful to be as strong as an oak, which kills +the plants at its feet, to crush envious heads, and even then would +one succumb, since human oaks are especially rare and that no +Tournebouche should flatter himself that he is one, granting that he +be a Tournebouche. Thirdly, never to spend more than one quarter of +one's income, conceal one's wealth, hide one's goods and chattels, to +undertake no office, to go to church like other people, and always +keep one's thoughts to oneself, seeing that they belong to you and not +to others, who twist them about, turn them after their own fashion, +and make calumnies therefrom. Fourthly, always to remain in the +condition of the Tournebouches, who are now and forever drapers. To +marry your daughters to good drapers, send your sons to be drapers in +other towns of France furnished with these wise precepts, and to bring +them up to the honour of drapery, and without leaving any dream of +ambition in their minds. A draper like a Tournebouche should be their +glory, their arms, their name, their motto, their life. Thus by being +always drapers, they will be always Tournebouches, and rub on like the +good little insects, who, once lodged in the beam, made their dens, +and go on with security to the end of their ball of thread. Fifthly +never to speak any other language than that of drapery, and never to +dispute concerning religion or government. And even though the +government of the state, the province, religion, and God turn about, +or have a fancy to go to the right or to the left, always in your +quality of Tournebouche, stick to your cloth. Thus unnoticed by the +others of the town, the Tournebouches will live in peace with their +little Tournebouches--paying the tithes and taxes, and all that they +are required by force to give, be it to God, or to the king, to the +town of to the parish, with all of whom it is unwise to struggle. Also +it is necessary to keep the patrimonial treasure, to have peace and to +buy peace, never to owe anything, to have corn in the house, and enjoy +yourselves with the doors and windows shut. + +"By this means none will take from the Tournebouches, neither the +state, nor the Church, nor the Lords, to whom should the case be that +force is employed, you will lend a few crowns without cherishing the +idea of ever seeing him again--I mean the crowns. + +"Thus, in all seasons people will love the Tournebouches, will mock +the Tournebouches as poor people--as the slow Tournebouches, as +Tournebouches of no understanding. Let the know-nothings say on. The +Tournebouches will neither be burned nor hanged, to the advantage of +King or Church, or other people; and the wise Tournebouches will have +secretly money in their pockets, and joy in their houses, hidden from +all. + +"Now, my dear son, follow this the counsel of a modest and +middle-class life. Maintain this in thy family as a county charter; +and when you die, let your successor maintain it as the sacred gospel +of the Tournebouches, until God wills it that there be no longer +Tournebouches in this world." + +This letter has been found at the time of the inventory made in the +house of Francois Tournebouche, lord of Veretz, chancellor to +Monseigneur the Dauphin, and condemned at the time of the rebellion of +the said lord against the King to lose his head, and have all his +goods confiscated by order of the Parliament of Paris. The said letter +has been handed to the Governor of Touraine as an historical +curiosity, and joined to the pieces of the process in the +archbishopric of Tours, by me, Pierre Gaultier, Sheriff, President of +the Trades Council. + +The author having finished the transcription and deciphering of these +parchments, translating them from their strange language into French, +the donor of them declared that the Rue Chaude at Tours was so called, +according to certain people, because the sun remained there longer +than in all other parts. But in spite of this version, people of lofty +understanding will find, in the warm way of the said Succubus, the +real origin of the said name. In which acquiesces the author. This +teaches us not to abuse our body, but use it wisely in view of our +salvation. + + + + DESPAIR IN LOVE + +At the time when King Charles the Eighth took it into his head to +decorate the castle of Amboise, they came with him certain workmen, +master sculptors, good painters, and masons, or architects, who +ornamented the galleries with splendid works, which, through neglect, +have since been much spoiled. + +At that time the court was staying in this beautiful locality, and, as +everyone knows, the king took great pleasure in watching his people +work out their ideas. Among these foreign gentlemen was an Italian, +named Angelo Cappara, a most worthy young man, and, in spite of his +age, a better sculptor and engraver than any of them; and it +astonished many to see one in the April of his life so clever. Indeed, +there had scarcely sprouted upon his visage the hair which imprints +upon a man virile majesty. To this Angelo the ladies took a great +fancy because he was charming as a dream, and as melancholy as a dove +left solitary in its nest by the death of its mate. And this was the +reason thereof: this sculptor knew the curse of poverty, which mars +and troubles all the actions of life; he lived miserably, eating +little, ashamed of his pennilessness, and made use of his talents only +through great despair, wishing by any means to win that idle life +which is the best all for those whose minds are occupied. The +Florentine, out of bravado, came to the court gallantly attired, and +from the timidity of youth and misfortune dared not ask his money from +the king, who, seeing him thus dressed, believed him well with +everything. The courtiers and the ladies used all to admire his +beautiful works, and also their author; but of money he got none. All, +and the ladies above all, finding him rich by nature, esteemed him +well off with his youth, his long black hair, and bright eyes, and did +not give a thought to lucre, while thinking of these things and the +rest. Indeed they were quite right, since these advantages gave to +many a rascal of the court, lands, money and all. In spite of his +youthful appearance, Master Angelo was twenty years of age, and no +fool, had a large heart, a head full of poetry; and more than that, +was a man of lofty imaginings. But although he had little confidence +in himself, like all poor and unfortunate people, he was astonished at +the success of the ignorant. He fancied that he was ill-fashioned, +either in body or mind, and kept his thoughts to himself. I am wrong, +for he told them in the clear starlight nights to the shadows, to God, +to the devil, and everything about him. At such times he would lament +his fate in having a heart so warm, that doubtless the ladies avoided +him as they would a red-hot iron; then he would say to himself how he +would worship a beautiful mistress, how all his life long he would +honour her, and with what fidelity he would attach himself to her, +with what affection serve her, how studiously obey her commands, with +what sports he would dispel the light clouds of her melancholy sadness +on the days when the skies should be overcast. Fashioning himself one +out of his imagination, he would throw himself at her feet, kiss, +fondle, caress, bite, and clasp her with as much reality as a prisoner +scampers over the grass when he sees the green fields through the bars +of his cell. Thus he would appeal to her mercy; overcome with his +feelings, would stop her breath with his embraces, would become daring +in spite of his respect, and passionately bite the clothes of his bed, +seeking this celestial lady, full of courage when by himself, but +abashed on the morrow if he passed one by. Nevertheless, inflamed by +these amorous advances, he would hammer way anew at his marble +figures, would carve beautiful breasts, to bring the water into one's +mouth at the sight of those sweet fruits of love, without counting the +other things that he raised, carved, and caressed with the chisels, +smoothed down with his file, and fashioned in a manner that would make +their use intelligible to the mind of a greenhorn, and stain his +verdure in a single day. The ladies would criticise these beauties, +and all of them were smitten with the youthful Cappara. And the +youthful Cappara would eye them up and down, swearing that the day one +of them gave him her little finger to kiss, he would have his desire. + +Among these high-born ladies there came one day one by herself to the +young Florentine, asking him why he was so shy, and if none of the +court ladies could make him sociable. Then she graciously invited him +to come to her house that evening. + +Master Angelo perfumes himself, purchases a velvet mantle with a +double fringe of satin, borrows from a friend a cloak with wide +sleeves, a slashed doublet, and silken hose, arrives at the house, and +ascends the stairs with hasty feet, hope beaming from his eyes, +knowing not what to do with his heart, which leaped and bounded like a +goat; and, to sum up, so much over head and ears in love, that the +perspiration trickled down his back. + +You may be sure the lady was a beautiful, and Master Cappara was the +more aware of it, since in his profession he had studied the mouldings +of the arms, the lines of the body, the secret surroundings of the +sex, and other mysteries. Now this lady satisfied the especial rules +of art; and besides being fair and slender, she had a voice to disturb +life in its source, to stir fire of a heart, brain, and everything; in +short, she put into one's imagination delicious images of love without +thinking of it, which is the characteristic of these cursed women. + +The sculptor found her seated by the fire in a high chair, and the +lady immediately commenced to converse at her ease, although Angelo +could find no other replies than "Yes" and "No," could get no other +words from his throat nor idea in his brain, and would have beaten his +head against the fireplace but for the happiness of gazing at and +listening to his lovely mistress, who was playing there like a young +fly in the sunshine. Because, which this mute admiration, both +remained until the middle of the night, wandering slowly down the +flowery path of love, the good sculptor went away radiant with +happiness. On the road, he concluded in his own mind, that if a noble +lady kept him rather close to her skirts during four hours of the +night, it would not matter a straw if she kept him there the +remainder. Drawing from these premises certain corollaries, he +resolved to ask her favours as a simple woman. Then he determined to +kill everybody--the husband, the wife, or himself--rather than lose +the distaff whereon to spin one hour of joy. Indeed, he was so mad +with love, that he believed life to be but a small stake in the game +of love, since one single day of it was worth a thousand lives. + +The Florentine chiselled away at his statues, thinking of his evening, +and thus spoiled many a nose thinking of something else. Noticing +this, he left his work, perfumed himself, and went to listen to the +sweet words of his lady, with the hope of turning them into deeds; but +when he was in the presence of his sovereign, her feminine majesty +made itself felt, and poor Cappara, such a lion in street, looked +sheepish when gazing at his victim. This notwithstanding, towards the +hour when desire becomes heated, he was almost in the lady's lap and +held her tightly clasped. He had obtained a kiss, had taken it, much +to his delight; for, when they give it, the ladies retain the right of +refusal, but when they left it to be taken, the lover may take a +thousand. This is the reason why all of them are accustomed to let it +be taken. The Florentine has stolen a great number, and things were +going on admirably, when the lady, who had been thrifty with her +favours, cried, "My husband!" + +And, in fact, my lord had just returned from playing tennis, and the +sculptor had to leave the place, but not without receiving a warm +glance from the lady interrupted in her pleasure. This was all his +substance, pittance and enjoyment during a whole month, since on the +brink of his joy always came the said husband, and he always arrived +wisely between a point-blank refusal and those little sweet caresses +with which women always season their refusals--little things which +reanimate love and render it all the stronger. And when the sculptor, +out of patience, commenced, immediately upon his arrival, the skirmish +of the skirt, in order that victory might arrive before the husband, +to whom, no doubt, these disturbances were not without profit, his +fine lady, seeing desire written in the eyes of her sculptor, +commenced endless quarrels and altercations; at first she pretended to +be jealous in order to rail against love; then appeased the anger of +the little one with the moisture of a kiss, then kept the conversation +to herself, and kept on saying that her lover should be good, obedient +to her will, otherwise she would not yield to him her life and soul; +that a desire was a small thing to offer a mistress; that she was more +courageous, because loving more she sacrificed more, and to his +propositions she would exclaim, "Silence, sir!" with the air of a +queen, and at times she would put on an angry look, to reply to the +reproachs of Cappara: "If you are not as I wish you to be, I will no +longer love you." + +The poor Italian saw, when it was too late, that this was not a noble +love, one of those which does not mete out joy as a miser his crowns; +and that this lady took delight in letting him jump about outside the +hedge and be master of everything, provided he touched not the garden +of love. At this business Cappara became a savage enough to kill +anyone, and took with him trusty companions, his friends, to whom he +gave the task of attacking the husband while walking home to bed after +his game of tennis with the king. He came to his lady at the +accustomed hour when the sweet sports of love were in full swing, +which sports were long, lasting kisses, hair twisted and untwisted, +hand bitten with passion, ears as well; indeed, the whole business, +with the exception of that especial thing which good authors rightly +find abominable. The Florentine exclaims between two hearty kisses-- + +"Sweet one, do you love me more than anything?" + +"Yes," said she, because words never cost anything. + +"Well then," replied the lover, "be mine in deed as in word." + +"But," said she, "my husband will be here directly." + +"Is that the only reason?" said he. + +"Yes." + +"I have friends who will cross him, and will not let him go unless I +show a torch at this window. If he complain to the king, my friends +will say, they thought they were playing a joke on one of their own +set." + +"Ah, my dear," said she, "let me see if everyone in the house is gone +to bed." + +She rose, and held the light to the window. Seeing which Cappara blew +out the candle, seized his sword, and placing himself in front of the +woman, whose scorn and evil mind he recognised. + +"I will not kill you, madame," said he, "but I will mark your face in +such a manner you will never again coquette with young lovers whose +lives you waste. You have deceived me shamefully, and are not a +respectable woman. You must know that a kiss will never sustain life +in a true lover, and that a kissed mouth needs the rest. Your have +made my life forever dull and wretched; now I will make you remember +forever my death, which you have caused. You shall never again behold +yourself in a glass without seeing there my face also." Then he raised +his arm, and held the sword ready to cut off a good slice of the fresh +fair cheek, where still all the traces of his kiss remained. And the +lady exclaimed, "You wretch!" + +"Hold your tongue," said he; "you told me that you loved me better +than anything. Now you say otherwise; each evening have you raised me +a little nearer to heaven; with one blow you cast me into hell, and +you think that your petticoat can save you from a lover's wrath--No!" + +"Ah, my Angelo! I am thine," said she, marvelling at this man glaring +with rage. + +But he, stepping three paces back, replied, "Ah, woman of the court +and wicked heart, thou lovest, then, thy face better than thy lover." + +She turned pale, and humbly held up her face, for she understood that +at this moment her past perfidy wronged her present love. With a +single blow Angelo slashed her face, then left her house, and quitted +the country. The husband not having been stopped by reason of that +light which was seen by the Florentines, found his wife minus her left +cheek. But she spoke not a word in spite of her agony; she loved her +Cappara more than life itself. Nevertheless, the husband wished to +know whence preceded this wound. No one having been there except the +Florentine, he complained to the king, who had his workman hastily +pursued, and ordered him to be hanged at Blois. On the day of +execution a noble lady was seized with a desire to save this +courageous man, whom she believed to be a lover of the right sort. She +begged the king to give him to her, which he did willingly. But +Cappara declaring that he belonged entirely to his lady, the memory of +whom he could not banish entirely, entered the Church, became a +cardinal and a great savant, and used to say in his old age that he +had existed upon the remembrance of the joys tasted in those poor +hours of anguish; in which he was, at the same time, both very well +and very badly treated by his lady. There are authors saying +afterwards he succeeded better with his old sweetheart, whose cheek +healed; but I cannot believe this, because he was a man of heart, who +had a high opinion of the holy joys of love. + +This teaches us nothing worth knowing, unless it be that there are +unlucky meetings in life, since this tale is in every way true. If in +other places the author has overshot the truth, this one will gain for +him the indulgence of the conclave or lovers. + + + + EPILOGUE + +This second series comes in the merry month of June, when all is green +and gay, because the poor muse, whose slave the author is, has been +more capricious then the love of a queen, and has mysteriously wished +to bring forth her fruit in the time of flowers. No one can boast +himself master of this fay. At times, when grave thoughts occupy the +mind and grieve the brain, comes the jade whispering her merry tales +in the author's ear, tickling her lips with her feathers, dancing +sarabands, and making the house echo with her laughter. If by chance +the writer, abandoning science for pleasure, says to her, "Wait a +moment, little one, till I come," and runs in great haste to play with +the madcap, she has disappeared. She has gone into her hole, hides +herself there, rolls herself up, and retires. Take the poker, take a +staff, a cudgel, a cane, raise them, strike the wench, and rave at +her, she moans; strap her, she moans; caress her, fondle her, she +moans; kiss her, say to her, "Here, little one," she moans. Now she's +cold, now she is going to die; adieu to love, adieu to laughter, adieu +to merriment, adieu to good stories. Wear mourning for her, weep and +fancy her dead, groan. Then she raises her head, her merry laugh rings +out again; she spreads her white wings, flies one knows not wither, +turns in the air, capers, shows her impish tail, her woman's breasts, +her strong loins, and her angelic face, shakes her perfumed tresses, +gambols in the rays of the sun, shines forth in all her beauty, +changes her colours like the breast of a dove, laughs until she cries, +cast the tears of her eyes into the sea, where the fishermen find them +transmuted into pretty pearls, which are gathered to adorn the +foreheads of queens. She twists about like a colt broken loose, +exposing her virgin charms, and a thousand things so fair that a pope +would peril his salvation for her at the mere sight of them. During +these wild pranks of the ungovernable beast you meet fools and +friends, who say to the poor poet, "Where are your tales? Where are +your new volumes? You are a pagan prognosticator. Oh yes, you are +known. You go to fetes and feasts, and do nothing between your meals. +Where's your work?" + +Although I am by nature partial to kindness, I should like to see one +of these people impaled in the Turkish fashion, and thus equipped, +sent on the Love Chase. Here endeth the second series; make the devil +give it a lift with his horns, and it will be well received by a +smiling Christendom. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Droll Stories, Volume 2, by Honore de Balzac + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 2 *** + +***** This file should be named 2318.txt or 2318.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/3/1/2318/ + +Produced by John Bickers, Ian Hodgson, and Dagny + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Etext prepared by Ian Hodgson, Ian_Hodgson@tara1880freeserve.co.uk +and Dagny, dagnyj@hotmail.com +and John Bickers, jbickers@ihug.co.nz + + + + + +DROLL STORIES +COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE +VOLUME II: THE SECOND TEN TALES + +by HONORE DE BALZAC + + + + +CONTENTS + + +THE SECOND TEN TALES + +PROLOGUE +THE THREE CLERKS OF SAINT NICHOLAS +THE CONTINENCE OF KING FRANCIS THE FIRST +THE MERRY TATTLE OF THE NUNS OF POISSY +HOW THE CHATEAU D'AZAY CAME TO BE BUILT +THE FALSE COURTESAN +THE DANGER OF BEING TOO INNOCENT +THE DEAR NIGHT OF LOVE +THE SERMON OF THE MERRY VICAR OF MEUDON +THE SUCCUBUS +DESPAIR IN LOVE +EPILOGUE + + + + +SECOND TEN TALES + + + +PROLOGUE + +Certain persons have reproached the Author for knowing no more about +the language of the olden times than hares do of telling stories. +Formerly these people would have been vilified, called cannibals, +churls, and sycophants, and Gomorrah would have been hinted at as +their natal place. But the Author consents to spare them the flowery +epithets of ancient criticism; he contents himself with wishing not to +be in their skin, for he would be disgusted with himself, and esteem +himself the vilest of scribblers thus to calumniate a poor little book +which is not in the style of any spoil-paper of these times. Ah! ill- +natured wretches! you should save your breath to cool your own +porridge! The Author consoles himself for his want of success in not +pleasing everyone by remembering that an old Tourainian, of eternal +memory, had put up with such contumely, that losing all patience, he +declared in one of his prologues, that he would never more put pen to +paper. Another age, but the same manners. Nothing changes, neither God +above nor men below. Thereupon of the Author continues his task with a +light heart, relying upon the future to reward his heavy labours. + +And certes, it is a hard task to invent A HUNDRED DROLL TALES, since +not only have ruffians and envious men opened fire upon him, but his +friends have imitated their example, and come to him saying "Are you +mad? Do you think it is possible? No man ever had in the depths of his +imagination a hundred such tales. Change the hyperbolic title of your +budget. You will never finish it." These people are neither +misanthropes nor cannibals; whether they are ruffians I know not; but +for certain they are kind, good-natured friends; friends who have the +courage to tell you disagreeable things all your life along, who are +rough and sharp as currycombs, under the pretence that they are yours +to command, in all the mishaps of life, and in the hour of extreme +unction, all their worth will be known. If such people would only keep +these sad kindnesses; but they will not. When their terrors are proved +to have been idle, they exclaimed triumphantly, "Ha! ha! I knew it. I +always said so." + +In order not to discourage fine sentiments, intolerable though they +be, the Author leaves to his friends his old shoes, and in order to +make their minds easy, assures them that he has, legally protected and +exempt from seizure, seventy droll stories, in that reservoir of +nature, his brain. By the gods! they are precious yarns, well rigged +out with phrases, carefully furnished with catastrophes, amply clothed +with original humour, rich in diurnal and nocturnal effects, nor +lacking that plot which the human race has woven each minute, each +hour, each week, month, and year of the great ecclesiastical +computation, commenced at a time when the sun could scarcely see, and +the moon waited to be shown her way. These seventy subjects, which he +gives you leave to call bad subjects, full of tricks and impudence, +lust, lies, jokes, jests, and ribaldry, joined to the two portions +here given, are, by the prophet! a small instalment on the aforesaid +hundred. + +Were it not a bad time for a bibliopolists, bibliomaniacs, +bibliographers, and bibliotheques which hinder bibliolatry, he would +have given them in a bumper, and not drop by drop as if he were +afflicted with dysury of the brain. He cannot possibly be suspected of +this infirmity, since he often gives good weight, putting several +stories into one, as is clearly demonstrated by several in this +volume. You may rely on it, that he has chosen for the finish, the +best and most ribald of the lot, in order that he may not be accused +of a senile discourse. Put then more likes with your dislikes, and +dislikes with your likes. Forgetting the niggardly behaviour of nature +to story-tellers, of whom there are not more than seven perfect in the +great ocean of human writers, others, although friendly, have been of +opinion that, at a time when everyone went about dressed in black, as +if in mourning for something, it was necessary to concoct works either +wearisomely serious or seriously wearisome; that a writer could only +live henceforward by enshrining his ideas in some vast edifice, and +that those who were unable to construct cathedrals and castles of +which neither stone nor cement could be moved, would die unknown, like +the Pope's slippers. The friends were requested to declare which they +liked best, a pint of good wine, or a tun of cheap rubbish; a diamond +of twenty-two carats, or a flintstone weighing a hundred pounds; the +ring of Hans Carvel, as told by Rabelais, or a modern narrative +pitifully expectorated by a schoolboy. Seeing them dumbfounded and +abashed, it was calmly said to them, "Do you thoroughly understand, +good people? Then go your ways and mind your own businesses." + +The following, however, must be added, for the benefit of all of whom +it may concern:--The good man to whom we owe fables and stories of +sempiternal authority only used his tool on them, having taken his +material from others; but the workmanship expended on these little +figures has given them a high value; and although he was, like M. +Louis Ariosto, vituperated for thinking of idle pranks and trifles, +there is a certain insect engraved by him which has since become a +monument of perennity more assured than that of the most solidly built +works. In the especial jurisprudence of wit and wisdom the custom is +to steal more dearly a leaf wrested from the book of Nature and Truth, +than all the indifferent volumes from which, however fine they be, it +is impossible to extract either a laugh or a tear. The author has +licence to say this without any impropriety, since it is not his +intention to stand upon tiptoe in order to obtain an unnatural height, +but because it is a question of the majesty of his art, and not of +himself--a poor clerk of the court, whose business it is to have ink +in his pen, to listen to the gentleman on the bench, and take down the +sayings of each witness in this case. He is responsible for +workmanship, Nature for the rest, since from the Venus of Phidias the +Athenian, down to the little old fellow, Godenot, commonly called the +Sieur Breloque, a character carefully elaborated by one of the most +celebrated authors of the present day, everything is studied from the +eternal model of human imitations which belongs to all. At this honest +business, happy are the robbers that they are not hanged, but esteemed +and beloved. But he is a triple fool, a fool with ten horns on his +head, who struts, boasts, and is puffed up at an advantage due to the +hazard of dispositions, because glory lies only in the cultivation of +the faculties, in patience and courage. + +As for the soft-voiced and pretty-mouthed ones, who have whispered +delicately in the author's ear, complaining to him that they have +disarranged their tresses and spoiled their petticoats in certain +places, he would say to them, "Why did you go there?" To these remarks +he is compelled, through the notable slanders of certain people, to +add a notice to the well-disposed, in order that they may use it, and +end the calumnies of the aforesaid scribblers concerning him. + +These droll tales are written--according to all authorities--at that +period when Queen Catherine, of the house of Medici, was hard at work; +for, during a great portion of the reign, she was always interfering +with public affairs to the advantage of our holy religion. The which +time has seized many people by the throat, from our defunct Master +Francis, first of that name, to the Assembly at Blois, where fell M. +de Guise. Now, even schoolboys who play at chuck-farthing, know that +at this period of insurrection, pacifications and disturbances, the +language of France was a little disturbed also, on account of the +inventions of the poets, who at that time, as at this, used each to +make a language for himself, besides the strange Greek, Latin, +Italian, German, and Swiss words, foreign phrases, and Spanish jargon, +introduced by foreigners, so that a poor writer has plenty of elbow +room in this Babelish language, which has since been taken in hand by +Messieurs de Balzac, Blaise Pascal, Furetiere, Menage, St. Evremonde, +de Malherbe, and others, who first cleaned out the French language, +sent foreign words to the rightabout, and gave the right of +citizenship to legitimate words used and known by everyone, but of +which the Sieur Ronsard was ashamed. + +Having finished, the author returns to his lady-love, wishing every +happiness to those by whom he is beloved; to the others misfortune +according to their deserts. When the swallows fly homeward, he will +come again, not without the third and fourth volume, which he here +promises to the Pantagruelists, merry knaves, and honest wags of all +degrees, who have a wholesome horror of the sadness, sombre meditation +and melancholy of literary croakers. + + + +THE THREE CLERKS OF ST. NICHOLAS + +The /Inn of the Three Barbels/ was formerly at Tours, the best place +in the town for sumptuous fare; and the landlord, reputed the best of +cooks, went to prepare wedding breakfasts as far as Chatelherault, +Loches, Vendome, and Blois. This said man, an old fox, perfect in his +business, never lighted lamps in the day time, knew how to skin a +flint, charged for wool, leather, and feathers, had an eye to +everything, did not easily let anyone pay with chaff instead of coin, +and for a penny less than his account would have affronted even a +prince. For the rest, he was a good banterer, drinking and laughing +with his regular customers, hat in hand always before the persons +furnished with plenary indulgences entitled /Sit nomen Domini +benedictum/, running them into expense, and proving to them, if need +were, by sound argument, that wines were dear, and that whatever they +might think, nothing was given away in Touraine, everything had to be +bought, and, at the same time, paid for. In short, if he could without +disgrace have done so, he would have reckoned so much for the good +air, and so much for the view of the country. Thus he built up a tidy +fortune with other people's money, became as round as a butt, larded +with fat, and was called Monsieur. At the time of the last fair three +young fellows, who were apprentices in knavery, in whom there was more +of the material that makes thieves than saints, and who knew just how +far it was possible to go without catching their necks in the branches +of trees, made up their minds to amuse themselves, and live well, +condemning certain hawkers or others in all the expenses. Now these +limbs of Satan gave the slip to their masters, under whom they had +been studying the art of parchment scrawling, and came to stay at the +hotel of the Three Barbels, where they demanded the best rooms, turned +the place inside out, turned up their noses at everything, bespoke all +the lampreys in the market, and announced themselves as first-class +merchants, who never carried their goods with them, and travelled only +with their persons. The host bustled about, turned the spits, and +prepared a glorious repast, for these three dodgers, who had already +made noise enough for a hundred crowns, and who most certainly would +not even have given up the copper coins which one of them was jingling +in his pocket. But if they were hard up for money they did not want +for ingenuity, and all three arranged to play their parts like thieves +at a fair. Theirs was a farce in which there was plenty of eating and +drinking, since for five days they so heartily attacked every kind of +provision that a party of German soldiers would have spoiled less than +they obtained by fraud. These three cunning fellows made their way to +the fair after breakfast, well primed, gorged, and big in the belly, +and did as they liked with the greenhorns and others, robbing, +filching, playing, and losing, taking down the writings and signs and +changing them, putting that of the toyman over the jeweller's, and +that of the jeweller's outside the shoe maker's, turning the shops +inside out, making the dogs fight, cutting the ropes of tethered +horses, throwing cats among the crowd, crying, "Stop thief!" And +saying to every one they met, "Are you not Monsieur D'Enterfesse of +Angiers?" Then they hustled everyone, making holes in the sacks of +flour, looking for their handkerchiefs in ladies' pockets, raising +their skirts, crying, looking for a lost jewel and saying to them-- + +"Ladies, it has fallen into a hole!" + +They directed the little children wrongly, slapped the stomachs of +those who were gaping in the air, and prowled about, fleecing and +annoying every one. In short, the devil would have been a gentleman in +comparison with these blackguard students, who would have been hanged +rather than do an honest action; as well have expected charity from +two angry litigants. They left the fair, not fatigued, but tired of +ill-doing, and spent the remainder of their time over dinner until the +evening when they recommenced their pranks by torchlight. After the +peddlers, they commenced operations on the ladies of the town, to +whom, by a thousand dodges, they gave only that which they received, +according to the axiom of Justinian: /Cuiqum jus tribuere/. "To every +one his own juice;" and afterwards jokingly said to the poor wenches-- + +"We are in the right and you are in the wrong." + +At last, at supper-time, having nothing else to do, they began to +knock each other about, and to keep the game alive, complained of the +flies to the landlord, remonstrating with him that elsewhere the +innkeepers had them caught in order that gentleman of position might +not be annoyed by them. However, towards the fifth day, which is the +critical day of fevers, the host not having seen, although he kept his +eyes wide open, the royal surface of a crown, and knowing that if all +that glittered were gold it would be cheaper, began to knit his brows +and go more slowly about that which his high-class merchants required +of him. Fearing that he had made a bad bargain with them, he tried to +sound the depth of their pockets; perceiving which the three clerks +ordered him with the assurance of a Provost hanging his man, to serve +them quickly with a good supper as they had to depart immediately. +Their merry countenances dismissed the host's suspicions. Thinking +that rogues without money would certainly look grave, he prepared a +supper worthy of a canon, wishing even to see them drunk, in order the +more easily to clap them in jail in the event of an accident. Not +knowing how to make their escape from the room, in which they were +about as much at their ease as are fish upon straw, the three +companions ate and drank immoderately, looking at the situation of the +windows, waiting the moment to decamp, but not getting the +opportunity. Cursing their luck, one of them wished to go and undo his +waistcoat, on account of a colic, the other to fetch a doctor to the +third, who did his best to faint. The cursed landlord kept dodging +about from the kitchen into the room, and from the room into the +kitchen, watching the nameless ones, and going a step forward to save +his crowns, and going a step back to save his crown, in case they +should be real gentlemen; and he acted like a brave and prudent host +who likes halfpence and objects to kicks; but under pretence of +properly attending to them, he always had an ear in the room, and a +foot in the court; fancied he was always being called by them, came +every time they laughed, showing them a face with an unsettled look +upon it, and always said, "Gentlemen, what is your pleasure?" This was +an interrogatory in reply to which they would willingly have given him +ten inches of his own spit in his stomach, because he appeared as if +he knew very well what would please them at this juncture, seeing that +to have twenty crowns, full weight, they would each of them have sold +a third of his eternity. You can imagine they sat on their seats as if +they were gridirons, that their feet itched and their posteriors were +rather warm. Already the host had put the pears, the cheese, and the +preserves near their noses, but they, sipping their liquor, and +picking at the dishes, looked at each other to see if either of them +had found a good piece of roguery in his sack, and they all began to +enjoy themselves rather woefully. The most cunning of the three +clerks, who was a Burgundian, smiled and said, seeing the hour of +payment arrived, "This must stand over for a week," as if they had +been at the Palais de Justice. The two others, in spite of the danger, +began to laugh. + +"What do we owe?" asked he who had in his belt the heretofore +mentioned twelve sols and he turned them about as though he would make +them breed little ones by this excited movement. He was a native of +Picardy, and very passionate; a man to take offence at anything in +order that he might throw the landlord out the window in all security +of conscience. Now he said these words with the air of a man of +immense wealth. + +"Six crowns, gentlemen," replied the host, holding out his hand. + +"I cannot permit myself to be entertained by you alone, Viscount," +said the third student, who was from Anjou, and as artful as a woman +in love. + +"Neither can I," said the Burgundian. + +"Gentlemen! Gentlemen!" replied the Picardian "you are jesting. I am +yours to command." + +"Sambreguoy!" cried he of Anjou. "You will not let us pay three times; +our host would not suffer it." + +"Well then," said the Burgundian, "whichever of us shall tell the +worst tale shall justify the landlord." + +"Who will be the judge?" asked the Picardian, dropping his twelve sols +to the bottom of his pocket. + +"Pardieu! our host. He should be capable, seeing that he is a man of +taste," said he of Anjou. "Come along, great chef, sit you down, +drink, and lend us both your ears. The audience is open." + +Thereupon the host sat down, but not until he had poured out a +gobletful of wine. + +"My turn first," said the Anjou man. "I commence." + +"In our Duchy of Anjou, the country people are very faithful servants +to our Holy of Catholic religion, and none of them will lose his +portion of paradise for lack of doing penance or killing a heretic. If +a professor of heresy passed that way, he quickly found himself under +the grass, without knowing whence his death had proceeded. A good man +of Larze, returning one night from his evening prayer to the wine +flasks of Pomme-de-Pin, where he had left his understanding and +memory, fell into a ditch full of water near his house, and found he +was up to his neck. One of the neighbours finding him shortly +afterwards nearly frozen, for it was winter time, said jokingly to +him-- + +"'Hulloa! What are you waiting for there?' + +"'A thaw', said the tipsy fellow, finding himself held by the ice. + +"Then Godenot, like a good Christian, released him from his dilemma, +and opened the door of the house to him, out of respect to the wine, +which is lord of this country. The good man then went and got into the +bed of the maid-servant, who was a young and pretty wench. The old +bungler, bemuddled with wine, went ploughing in the wrong land, +fancying all the time it was his wife by his side, and thanking her +for the youth and freshness she still retained. On hearing her +husband, the wife began to cry out, and by her terrible shrieks the +man was awakened to the fact that he was not in the road to salvation, +which made the poor labourer sorrowful beyond expression. + +"'Ah! said he; 'God has punished me for not going to vespers at +Church.' + +"And he began to excuse himself as best he could, saying, that the +wine had muddled his understanding, and getting into his own bed he +kept repeating to his good wife, that for his best cow he would not +have had this sin upon his conscience. + +"'My dear', said she, 'go and confess the first thing tomorrow +morning, and let us say no more about it.' + +"The good man trotted to confessional, and related his case with all +humility to the rector of the parish, who was a good old priest, +capable of being up above, the slipper of the holy foot. + +"'An error is not a sin,' said he to the penitent. 'You will fast +tomorrow, and be absolved.' + +"'Fast!--with pleasure,' said the good man. 'That does not mean go +without drink.' + +"'Oh!' replied the rector, 'you must drink water, and eat nothing but +a quarter of a loaf and an apple.' + +"Then the good man, who had no confidence in his memory, went home, +repeating to himself the penance ordered. But having loyally commenced +with a quarter of a loaf and an apple, he arrived at home, saying, a +quarter of apples, and a loaf. + +"Then, to purify his soul, he set about accomplishing his fast, and +his good woman having given him a loaf from the safe, and unhooked a +string of apples from the beam, he set sorrowfully to work. As he +heaved a sigh on taking the last mouthful of bread hardly knowing +where to put it, for he was full to the chin, his wife remonstrated +with him, that God did not desire the death of a sinner, and that for +lack of putting a crust of bread in his belly, he would not be +reproached for having put things in their wrong places. + +"'Hold your tongue, wife!' said he. 'If it chokes me, I must fast.'" + +"I've payed my share, it's your turn, Viscount," added he of Anjou, +giving the Picardian a knowing wink. + +"The goblets are empty. Hi, there! More wine." + +"Let us drink," cried the Picardian. "Moist stories slip out easier." + +At the same time he tossed off a glassful without leaving a drop at +the bottom, and after a preliminary little cough, he related the +following:-- + +"You must know that the maids of Picardy, before setting up +housekeeping, are accustomed honestly to gain their linen, vessels, +and chests; in short, all the needed household utensils. To accomplish +this, they go into service in Peronne, Abbeville, Amiens, and other +towns, where they are tire-women, wash up glasses, clean plates, fold +linen, and carry up the dinner, or anything that there is to be +carried. They are all married as soon as they possess something else +besides that which they naturally bring to their husbands. These women +are the best housewives, because they understand the business and +everything else thoroughly. One belonging to Azonville, which is the +land of which I am lord by inheritance, having heard speak of Paris, +where the people did not put themselves out of the way for anyone, and +where one could subsist for a whole day by passing the cook's shops, +and smelling the steam, so fattening was it, took it into her head to +go there. She trudged bravely along the road, and arrived with a +pocket full of emptiness. There she fell in, at the Porte St. Denise, +with a company of soldiers, placed there for a time as a vidette, for +the Protestants had assumed a dangerous attitude. The sergeant seeing +this hooded linnet coming, stuck his headpiece on one side, +straightened his feather, twisted his moustache, cleared his throat, +rolled his eyes, put his hand on his hips, and stopped the Picardian +to see if her ears were properly pierced, since it was forbidden to +girls to enter otherwise into Paris. Then he asked her, by way of a +joke, but with a serious face, what brought her there, he pretending +to believe she had come to take the keys of Paris by assault. To which +the poor innocent replied, that she was in search of a good situation, +and had no evil intentions, only desiring to gain something. + +"'Very well; I will employ you,' said the wag. 'I am from Picardy, and +will get you taken in here, where you will be treated as a queen would +often like to be, and you will be able to make a good thing of it.' + +"Then he led her to the guard-house, where he told her to sweep the +floor, polish the saucepans, stir the fire, and keep a watch on +everything, adding that she should have thirty sols a head from the +men if their service pleased her. Now seeing that the squad was there +for a month, she would be able to gain ten crowns, and at their +departure would find fresh arrivals who would make good arrangements +with her, and by this means she would be able to take back money and +presents to her people. The girl cleaned the room and prepared the +meals so well, singing and humming, that this day the soldiers found +in their den the look of a monk's refectory. Then all being well +content, each of them gave a sol to their handmaiden. Well satisfied, +they put her into the bed of their commandant, who was in town with +his lady, and they petted and caressed her after the manner of +philosophical soldiers, that is, soldiers partial to that which is +good. She was soon comfortably ensconced between the sheets. But to +avoid quarrels and strife, my noble warriors drew lots for their turn, +arranged themselves in single file, playing well at Pique hardie, +saying not a word, but each one taking at least twenty-six sols worth +of the girl's society. Although not accustomed to work for so many, +the poor girl did her best, and by this means never closed her eyes +the whole night. In the morning, seeing the soldiers were fast asleep, +she rose happy at bearing no marks of the sharp skirmish, and although +slightly fatigued, managed to get across the fields into the open +country with her thirty sols. On the route to Picardy, she met one of +her friends, who, like herself, wished to try service in Paris, and +was hurrying thither, and seeing her, asked her what sort of places +they were. + +"'Ah! Perrine; do not go. You want to be made of iron, and even if you +were it would soon be worn away,' was the answer. + +"Now, big-belly of Burgundy," said he, giving his neighbour a hearty +slap, "spit out your story or pay!" + +"By the queen of Antlers!" replied the Burgundian, "by my faith, by +the saints, by God! and by the devil, I know only stories of the Court +of Burgundy, which are only current coin in our own land." + +"Eh, ventre Dieu! are we not in the land of Beauffremont?" cried the +other, pointing to the empty goblets. + +"I will tell you, then, an adventure well known at Dijon, which +happened at the time I was in command there, and was worth being +written down. There was a sergeant of justice named Franc-Taupin, who +was an old lump of mischief, always grumbling, always fighting; stiff +and starchy, and never comforting those he was leading to the hulks, +with little jokes by the way; and in short, he was just the man to +find lice in bald heads, and bad behaviour in the Almighty. This said +Taupin, spurned by every one, took unto himself a wife, and by chance +he was blessed with one as mild as the peel of an onion, who, noticing +the peculiar humour of her husband, took more pains to bring joy to +his house than would another to bestow horns upon him. But although +she was careful to obey him in all things, and to live at peace would +have tried to excrete gold for him, had God permitted it, this man was +always surly and crabbed, and no more spared his wife blows, than does +a debtor promises to the bailiff's man. This unpleasant treatment +continuing in spite of the carefulness and angelic behaviour of the +poor woman, she being unable to accustom herself to it, was compelled +to inform her relations, who thereupon came to the house. When they +arrived, the husband declared to them that his wife was an idiot, that +she displeased him in every possible way, and made his life almost +unbearable; that she would wake him out of his first sleep, never came +to the door when he knocked, but would leave him out in the rain and +the cold, and that the house was always untidy. His garments were +buttonless, his laces wanted tags. The linen was spoiling, the wine +turning sour, the wood damp, and the bed was always creaking at +unreasonable moments. In short, everything was going wrong. To this +tissue of falsehoods, the wife replied by pointing to the clothes and +things, all in a state of thorough repair. Then the sergeant said that +he was very badly treated, that his dinner was never ready for him, or +if it was, the broth was thin or the soup cold, either the wine or the +glasses were forgotten, the meat was without gravy or parsley, the +mustard had turned, he either found hairs in the dish or the cloth was +dirty and took away his appetite, indeed nothing did she ever get for +him that was to his liking. The wife, astonished, contented herself +with stoutly denying the fault imputed to her. 'Ah,' said he, 'you +dirty hussy! You deny it, do you! Very well then, my friends, you come +and dine here to-day, you shall be witnesses of her misconduct. And if +she can for once serve me properly, I will confess myself wrong in all +I have stated, and will never lift my hand against her again, but will +resign to her my halberd and my breeches, and give her full authority +here.' + +"'Oh, well,' said she, joyfully, 'I shall then henceforth be both wife +and mistress!' + +"Then the husband, confident of the nature and imperfections of his +wife, desired that the dinner should be served under the vine arbor, +thinking that he would be able to shout at her if she did not hurry +quickly enough from the table to the pantry. The good housewife set to +work with a will. The plates were clean enough to see one's face in, +the mustard was fresh and well made, the dinner beautifully cooked, as +appetising as stolen fruit; the glasses were clear, the wine was cool, +and everything so nice, so clean and white, that the repast would have +done honour to a bishop's chatterbox. Just as she was standing before +the table, casting that last glance which all good housewives like to +give everything, her husband knocked at the door. At that very moment +a cursed hen, who had taken it into her head to get on top of the +arbor to gorge herself with grapes, let fall a large lump of dirt +right in the middle of the cloth. The poor woman was half dead with +fright; so great was her despair, she could think of no other way of +remedying the thoughtlessness of the fowl then by covering the +unseemly patch with a plate in which she put the fine fruits taken at +random from her pocket, losing sight altogether of the symmetry of the +table. Then, in order that no one should notice it, she instantly +fetched the soup, seated every one in his place, and begged them to +enjoy themselves. + +"Now, all of them seeing everything so well arranged, uttered +exclamations of pleasure, except the diabolical husband, who remained +moody and sullen, knitting his brows and looking for a straw on which +to hang a quarrel with his wife. Thinking it safe to give him one for +himself, her relations being present, she said to him, 'Here's your +dinner, nice and hot, well served, the cloth is clean, the salt- +cellars full, the plates clean, the wine fresh, the bread well baked. +What is there lacking? What do you require? What do you desire? What +else do you want?' + +"'Oh, filth!' said he, in a great rage. + +"The good woman instantly lifted the plate, and replied-- + +"'There you are, my dear!' + +"Seeing which, the husband was dumbfounded, thinking that the devil +was in league with his wife. He was immediately gravely reproached by +the relations, who declared him to be in the wrong, abused him, and +made more jokes at his expense than a recorder writes words in a +month. From that time forward the sergeant lived comfortably and +peaceably with his wife, who at the least appearance of temper on his +part, would say to him-- + +"'Do you want some filth?'" + +"Who has told the worst now?" cried the Anjou man, giving the host a +tap on the shoulder. + +"He has! He has!" said the two others. Then they began to dispute +among themselves, like the holy fathers in council; seeking, by +creating a confusion, throwing the glasses at each other, and jumping +about, a lucky chance, to make a run of it. + +"I'll settle the question," cried the host, seeing that whereas they +had all three been ready with their own accounts, not one of them was +thinking of his. + +They stopped terrified. + +"I will tell you a better one than all, then you will have to give ten +sols a head." + +"Silence for the landlord," said the one from Anjou. + +"In our fauborg of Notre-dame la Riche, in which this inn is situated, +there lived a beautiful girl, who besides her natural advantages, had +a good round sum in her keeping. Therefore, as soon as she was old +enough, and strong enough to bear the matrimonial yoke, she had as +many lovers as there are sols in St. Gatien's money-box on the +Paschal-day. The girl chose one who, saving your presence, was as good +a worker, night and day, as any two monks together. They were soon +betrothed, and the marriage was arranged; but the joy of the first +night did not draw nearer without occasioning some slight +apprehensions to the lady, as she was liable, through an infirmity, to +expel vapours, which came out like bombshells. Now, fearing that when +thinking of something else, during the first night, she might give the +reins to her eccentricities, she stated the case to her mother, whose +assistance she invoked. That good lady informed her that this faculty +of engineering wind was inherent in the family; that in her time she +had been greatly embarrassed by it, but only in the earlier period of +her life. God had been kind to her, and since the age of seven, she +had evaporated nothing except on the last occasion when she had +bestowed upon her dead husband a farewell blow. 'But,' said she to her +daughter, 'I have ever a sure specific, left to me by my mother, which +brings these surplus explosions to nothing, and exhales them +noiselessly. By this means these sighs become odourless, and scandal +is avoided.' + +"The girl, much pleased, learned how to sail close to the wind, +thanked her mother, and danced away merrily, storing up her flatulence +like an organ-blower waiting for the first note of mass. Entering the +nuptial chamber, she determined to expel it when getting into bed, but +the fantastic element was beyond control. The husband came; I leave +you to imagine how love's conflict sped. In the middle of the night, +the bride arose under a false pretext, and quickly returned again; but +when climbing into her place, the pent up force went off with such a +loud discharge, that you would have thought with me that the curtains +were split. + +"'Ha! I've missed my aim!' said she. + +"''Sdeath, my dear!' I replied, 'then spare your powder. You would +earn a good living in the army with that artillery.' + +"It was my wife." + +"Ha! ha! ha!" went the clerks. + +And they roared with laughter, holding their sides and complimenting +their host. + +"Did you ever hear a better story, Viscount?" + +"Ah, what a story!" + +"That is a story!" + +"A master story!" + +"The king of stories!" + +"Ha, ha! It beats all the other stories hollow. After that I say there +are no stories like the stories of our host." + +"By the faith of a Christian, I never heard a better story in my +life." + +"Why, I can hear the report." + +"I should like to kiss the orchestra." + +"Ah! gentlemen," said the Burgundian, gravely, "we cannot leave +without seeing the hostess, and if we do not ask to kiss this famous +wind-instrument, it is a out of respect for so good a story-teller." + +Thereupon they all exalted the host, his story, and his wife's trumpet +so well that the old fellow, believing in these knaves' laughter and +pompous eulogies, called to his wife. But as she did not come, the +clerks said, not without frustrative intention, "Let us go to her." + +Thereupon they all went out of the room. The host took the candle and +went upstairs first, to light them and show them the way; but seeing +the street door ajar, the rascals took to their heels, and were off +like shadows, leaving the host to take in settlement of his account +another of his wife's offerings. + + + +THE CONTINENCE OF KING FRANCIS THE FIRST + +Every one knows through what adventure King Francis, the first of that +name, was taken like a silly bird and led into the town of Madrid, in +Spain. There the Emperor Charles V. kept him carefully locked up, like +an article of great value, in one of his castles, in the which our +defunct sire, of immortal memory, soon became listless and weary, +seeing that he loved the open air, and his little comforts, and no +more understood being shut up in a cage than a cat would folding up +lace. He fell into moods of such strange melancholy that his letters +having been read in full council, Madame d'Angouleme, his mother; +Madame Catherine, the Dauphine, Monsieur de Montmorency, and those who +were at the head of affairs in France knowing the great lechery of the +king, determined after mature deliberation, to send Queen Marguerite +to him, from whom he would doubtless receive alleviation of his +sufferings, that good lady being much loved by him, and merry, and +learned in all necessary wisdom. But she, alleging that it would be +dangerous for her soul, because it was impossible for her, without +great danger to be alone with the king in his cell, a sharp secretary, +the Sieur de Fizes, was sent to the Court of Rome, with orders to beg +of the pontiff a papal brief of special indulgences, containing proper +absolutions for the petty sins which, looking at their consanguinity, +the said queen might commit with a view to cure the king's melancholy. + +At this time, Adrian VI., the Dutchman, still wore the tiara, who, a +good fellow, for the rest did not forget, in spite of the scholastic +ties which united him to the emperor, that the eldest son of the +Catholic Church was concerned in the affair, and was good enough to +send to Spain an express legate, furnished with full powers, to +attempt the salvation of the queen's soul, and the king's body, +without prejudice to God. This most urgent affair made the gentleman +very uneasy, and caused an itching in the feet of the ladies, who, +from great devotion to the crown, would all have offered to go to +Madrid, but for the dark mistrust of Charles the Fifth, who would not +grant the king's permission to any of his subjects, nor even the +members of his family. It was therefore necessary to negotiate the +departure of the Queen of Navarre. Then, nothing else was spoken about +but this deplorable abstinence, and the lack of amorous exercise so +vexatious to a prince, who was much accustomed to it. In short, from +one thing to another, the women finished by thinking more of the +king's condition, than of the king himself. The queen was the first to +say that she wished she had wings. To this Monseigneur Odet de +Chatillon replied, that she had no need of them to be an angel. One +that was Madame l'Amirale, blamed God that it was not possible to send +by a messenger that which the poor king so much required; and every +one of the ladies would have lent it in her turn. + +"God has done very well to fix it," said the Dauphine, quietly; "for +our husbands would leave us rather badly off during their absence." + +So much was said and so much thought upon the subject, that at her +departure the Queen of all Marguerites was charged, by these good +Christians, to kiss the captive heartily for all the ladies of the +realm; and if it had been permissible to prepare pleasure like +mustard, the queen would have been laden with enough to sell to the +two Castiles. + +While Madame Marguerite was, in spite of the snow, crossing the +mountains, by relays of mule, hurrying on to these consolations as to +a fire, the king found himself harder pressed by unsatisfied desire +than he had ever been before, or would be again. In this reverberation +of nature, he opened his heart to the Emperor Charles, in order that +he might be provided with a merciful specific, urging upon him that it +would be an everlasting disgrace to one king to let another die for +lack of gallantry. The Castilian showed himself to be a generous man. +Thinking that he would be able to recuperate himself for the favour +granted out of his guest's ransom, he hinted quietly to the people +commissioned to guard the prisoner, that they might gratify him in +this respect. Thereupon a certain Don Hiios de Lara y Lopez Barra di +Pinto, a poor captain, whose pockets were empty in spite of his +genealogy, and who had been for some time thinking of seeking his +fortune at the Court of France, fancied that by procuring his majesty +a soft cataplasm of warm flesh, he would open for himself an honestly +fertile door; and indeed, those who know the character of the good +king and his court, can decide if he deceived himself. + +When the above mentioned captain came in his turn into the chamber of +the French king, he asked him respectfully if it was his good pleasure +to permit him an interrogation on a subject concerning which he was as +curious as about papal indulgences? To which the Prince, casting aside +his hypochondriacal demeanour, and twisting round on the chair in +which he was seated, gave a sign of consent. The captain begged him +not to be offended at the licence of his language, and confessed to +him, that he the king was said to be one of the most amorous men in +France, and he would be glad to learn from him if the ladies of the +court were expert in the adventures of love. The poor king, calling to +mind his many adventures, gave vent to a deep-drawn sigh, and +exclaimed, that no woman of any country, including those of the moon, +knew better than the ladies of France the secrets of this alchemy and +at the remembrance of the savoury, gracious, and vigorous fondling of +one alone, he felt himself the man, were she then within his reach, to +clasp her to his heart, even on a rotten plank a hundred feet above a +precipice. + +Say which, this good king, a ribald fellow, if ever there was one, +shot forth so fiercely life and light from his eyes, that the captain, +though a brave man, felt a quaking in his inside so fiercely flamed +the sacred majesty of royal love. But recovering his courage he began +to defend the Spanish ladies, declaring that in Castile alone was love +properly understood, because it was the most religious place in +Christendom, and the more fear the women had of damning themselves by +yielding to a lover, the more their souls were in the affair, because +they knew they must take their pleasure then against eternity. He +further added, that if the Lord King would wager one of the best and +most profitable manors in the kingdom of France, he would give him a +Spanish night of love, in which a casual queen should, unless he took +care, draw his soul from his body. + +"Done," said the king, jumping from his chair. "I'll give thee, by +God, the manor of Ville-aux-Dames in my province of Touraine, with +full privilege of chase, of high and low jurisdiction." + +Then, the captain, who was acquainted with the Donna of the Cardinal +Archbishop of Toledo requested her to smother the King of France with +kindness, and demonstrate to him the great advantage of the Castilian +imagination over the simple movement of the French. To which the +Marchesa of Amaesguy consented for the honour of Spain, and also for +the pleasure of knowing of what paste God made Kings, a matter in +which she was ignorant, having experience only of the princes of the +Church. Then she became passionate as a lion that has broken out of +his cage, and made the bones of the king crack in a manner that would +have killed any other man. But the above-named lord was so well +furnished, so greedy, and so will bitten, he no longer felt a bite; +and from this terrible duel the Marchesa emerged abashed, believing +she had the devil to confess. + +The captain, confident in his agent, came to salute his lord, thinking +to do honour for his fief. Thereupon the king said to him, in a +jocular manner, that the Spanish ladies were of a passable +temperature, and their system a fair one, but that when gentleness was +required they substituted frenzy; that he kept fancying each thrill +was a sneeze, or a case of violence; in short, that the embrace of a +French woman brought back the drinker more thirsty than ever, tiring +him never; and that with the ladies of his court, love was a gentle +pleasure without parallel, and not the labour of a master baker in his +kneading trough. + +The poor captain was strongly piqued at his language. In spite of the +nice sense of honour which the king pretended to possess, he fancied +that his majesty wished to bilk him like a student, stealing a slice +of love at a brothel in Paris. Nevertheless, not knowing for the +matter of that, if the Marchesa had not over-spanished the king, he +demanded his revenge from the captive, pledging him his word, that he +should have for certain a veritable fay, and that he would yet gain +the fief. The king was too courteous and gallant a knight to refuse +this request, and even made a pretty and right royal speech, +intimating his desire to lose the wager. Then, after vespers, the +guard passed fresh and warm into the king's chamber, a lady most +dazzlingly white--most delicately wanton, with long tresses and velvet +hands, filling out her dress at the least movement, for she was +gracefully plump, with a laughing mouth, and eyes moist in advance, a +woman to beautify hell, and whose first word had such cordial power +that the king's garment was cracked by it. On the morrow, after the +fair one had slipped out after the king's breakfast, the good captain +came radiant and triumphant into the chamber. + +At sight of him the prisoner then exclaimed-- + +"Baron de la Ville-aux-Dames! God grant you joys like to mine! I like +my jail! By'r lady, I will not judge between the love of our lands, +but pay the wager." + +"I was sure of it," said the captain. + +"How so?" said the King. + +"Sire, it was my wife." + +This was the origin of Larray de la Ville-aux-Dames in our country, +since from corruption of the names, that of Lara-y-Lopez, finished by +becoming Larray. It was a good family, delighting in serving the kings +of France, and it multiplied exceedingly. Soon after, the Queen of +Navarre came in due course to the king, who, weary of Spanish customs, +wished to disport himself after the fashion of France; but remainder +is not the subject of this narrative. I reserve to myself the right to +relate elsewhere how the legate managed to sponge the sin of the thing +off the great slate, and the delicate remark of our Queen of +Marguerites, who merits a saint's niche in this collection; she who +first concocted such good stories. The morality of this one is easy to +understand. + +In the the first place, kings should never let themselves be taken in +battle any more than their archetype in the game of the Grecian chief +Palamedes. But from this, it appears the captivity of its king is a +most calamitous and horrible evil to fall on the populace. If it had +been a queen, or even a princess, what worse fate? But I believe the +thing could not happen again, except with cannibals. Can there ever be +a reason for imprisoning the flower of a realm? I think too well of +Ashtaroth, Lucifer, and others, to imagine that did they reign, they +would hide the joy of all the beneficent light, at which poor +sufferers warm themselves. And it was necessary that the worst of +devils, /id est/, a wicked old heretic woman, should find herself upon +a throne, to keep a prisoner sweet Mary of Scotland, to the shame of +all the knights of Christendom, who should have come without previous +assignation to the foot of Fotheringay, and have left thereof no +single stone. + + + +THE MERRY TATTLE OF THE NUNS OF POISSY + +The Abbey of Poissy has been rendered famous by old authors as a place +of pleasure, where the misconduct of the nuns first began, and whence +proceeded so many good stories calculated to make laymen laugh at the +expense of our holy religion. The said abbey by this means became +fertile in proverbs, which none of the clever folks of our day +understand, although they sift and chew them in order to digest them. + +If you ask one of them what the /olives of Poissy/ are, they will +answer you gravely that it is a periphrase relating to truffles, and +that the /way to serve them/, of which one formerly spoke, when joking +with these virtuous maidens, meant a peculiar kind of sauce. That's +the way the scribblers hit on truth once in a hundred times. To return +to these good recluses, it was said--by way of a joke, of course--that +they preferred finding a harlot in their chemises to a good woman. +Certain other jokers reproached them with imitating the lives of the +saints, in their own fashion, and said that all they admired in Mary +of Egypt was her fashion of paying the boatmen. From whence the +raillery: To honour the saints after the fashion of Poissy. There is +still the crucifix of Poissy, which kept the stomachs warm; and the +matins of Poissy, which concluded with a little chorister. Finally, of +a hearty jade well acquainted with the ways of love, it was said--She +is a nun of Poissy. That property of a man which he can only lend, was +The key of the Abbey of Poissy. What the gate of the said abbey was +can easily be guessed. This gate, door, wicket, opening, or road was +always half open, was easier to open than to shut, and cost much in +repairs. In short, at that period, there was no fresh device in love +invented, that had not its origin in the good convent of Poissy. You +may be sure there is a good deal of untruth and hyperbolical emphasis, +in these proverbs, jests, jokes, and idle tales. The nuns of the said +Poissy were good young ladies, who now this way, now that, cheated God +to the profit of the devil, as many others did, which was but natural, +because our nature is weak; and although they were nuns, they had +their little imperfections. They found themselves barren in a certain +particular, hence the evil. But the truth of the matter is, all these +wickednesses were the deeds of an abbess who had fourteen children, +all born alive, since they had been perfected at leisure. The +fantastic amours and the wild conduct of this woman, who was of royal +blood, caused the convent of Poissy to become fashionable; and +thereafter no pleasant adventure happened in the abbeys of France +which was not credited to these poor girls, who would have been well +satisfied with a tenth of them. Then the abbey was reformed, and these +holy sisters were deprived of the little happiness and liberty which +they had enjoyed. In an old cartulary of the abbey of Turpenay, near +Chinon, which in those later troublous times had found a resting place +in the library of Azay, where the custodian was only too glad to +receive it, I met with a fragment under the head of The Hours of +Poissy, which had evidently been put together by a merry abbot of +Turpenay for the diversion of his neighbours of Usee, Azay, Mongaugar, +Sacchez, and other places of this province. I give them under the +authority of the clerical garb, but altered to my own style, because I +have been compelled to turn them from Latin into French. I commence:-- +At Poissy the nuns were accustomed to, when Mademoiselle, the king's +daughter, their abbess, had gone to bed..... It was she who first +called it /faire la petite oie/, to stick to the preliminaries of +love, the prologues, prefaces, protocols, warnings, notices, +introductions, summaries, prospectuses, arguments, notices, epigraphs, +titles, false-titles, current titles, scholia, marginal remarks, +frontispieces, observations, gilt edges, bookmarks, reglets, +vignettes, tail pieces, and engravings, without once opening the merry +book to read, re-read, and study to apprehend and comprehend the +contents. And she gathered together in a body all those extra-judicial +little pleasures of that sweet language, which come indeed from the +lips, yet make no noise, and practised them so well, that she died a +virgin and perfect in shape. The gay science was after deeply studied +by the ladies of the court, who took lovers for /la petite oie/, +others for honour, and at times also certain ones who had over them +the right of high and low jurisdiction, and were masters of everything +--a state of things much preferred. But to continue: When this +virtuous princess was naked and shameless between the sheets, the said +girls (those whose cheeks were unwrinkled and their hearts gay) would +steal noiselessly out of their cells, and hide themselves in that of +one of the sisters who was much liked by all of them. There they would +have cosy little chats, enlivened with sweetmeats, pasties, liqueurs, +and girlish quarrels, worry their elders, imitating them grotesquely, +innocently mocking them, telling stories that made them laugh till the +tears came and playing a thousand pranks. At times they would measure +their feet, to see whose were the smallest, compare the white +plumpness of their arms, see whose nose had the infirmity of blushing +after supper, count their freckles, tell each other where their skin +marks were situated, dispute whose complexion was the clearest, whose +hair the prettiest colour, and whose figure the best. You can imagine +that among these figures sanctified to God there were fine ones, stout +ones, lank ones, thin ones, plump ones, supple ones, shrunken ones, +and figures of all kinds. Then they would quarrel amongst themselves +as to who took the least to make a girdle, and she who spanned the +least was pleased without knowing why. At times they would relate +their dreams and what they had seen in them. Often one or two, at +times all of them, had dreamed they had tight hold of the keys of the +abbey. Then they would consult each other about their little ailments. +One had scratched her finger, another had a whitlow; this one had +risen in the morning with the white of her eye bloodshot; that one had +put her finger out, telling her beads. All had some little thing the +matter with them. + +"Ah! you have lied to our mother; your nails are marked with white," +said one to her neighbour. + +"You stopped a long time at confession this morning, sister," said +another. "You must have a good many little sins to confess." + +As there is nothing resembles a pussy-cat so much as a tom-cat, they +would swear eternal friendship, quarrel, sulk, dispute and make it up +again; would be jealous, laugh and pinch, pinch and laugh, and play +tricks upon the novices. + +At times they would say, "Suppose a gendarme came here one rainy day, +where should we put him?" + +"With Sister Ovide; her cell is so big he could get into it with his +helmet on." + +"What do you mean?" cried Sister Ovide, "are not all our cells alike?" + +Thereupon the girls burst out laughing like ripe figs. One evening +they increased their council by a little novice, about seventeen years +of age, who appeared innocent as a new-born babe, and would have had +the host without confession. This maiden's mouth had long watered for +their secret confabulations, little feasts and rejoicings by which the +nuns softened the holy captivity of their bodies, and had wept at not +being admitted to them. + +"Well," said Sister Ovide to her, "have you had a good night's rest, +little one?" + +"Oh no!" said she, "I have been bitten by fleas." + +"Ha! you have fleas in your cell? But you must get rid of them at +once. Do you know how the rules of our order enjoin them to be driven +out, so that never again during her conventional life shall a sister +see so much as the tail of one?" + +"No," replied the novice. + +"Well then, I will teach you. Do you see any fleas here? Do you notice +any trace of fleas? Do you smell an odour of fleas? Is there any +appearance of fleas in my cell? Look!" + +"I can't find any," said the little novice, who was Mademoiselle de +Fiennes, "and smell no odour other than our own." + +"Do as I am about to tell you, and be no more bitten. Directly you +feel yourself pricked, you must strip yourself, lift your chemise, and +be careful not to sin while looking all over your body; think only of +the cursed flea, looking for it, in good faith, without paying +attention to other things; trying only to catch the flea, which is a +difficult job, as you may easily be deceived by the little black spots +on your skin, which you were born with. Have you any, little one?" + +"Yes," cried she. "I have two dark freckles, one on my shoulder and +one on my back, rather low down, but it is hidden in a fold of the +flesh." + +"How did you see it?" asked Sister Perpetue. + +"I did not know it. It was Monsieur de Montresor who found it out." + +"Ha, ha!" said the sister, "is that all he saw?" + +"He saw everything," said she, "I was quite little; he was about nine +years old, and we were playing together...." + +The nuns hardly being able to restrain their laughter, Sister Ovide +went on-- + +"The above-mentioned flea will jump from your legs to your eyes, will +try and hide himself in apertures and crevices, will leap from valley +to mountain, endeavouring to escape you; but the rules of the house +order you courageously to pursue, repeating aves. Ordinarily at the +third ave the beast is taken." + +"The flea?" asked the novice. + +"Certainly the flea," replied Sister Ovide; "but in order to avoid the +dangers of this chase, you must be careful in whatever spot you put +your finger on the beast, to touch nothing else.... Then without +regarding its cries, plaints, groans, efforts, and writhings, and the +rebellion which frequently it attempts, you will press it under your +thumb or other finger of the hand engaged in holding it, and with the +other hand you will search for a veil to bind the flea's eyes and +prevent it from leaping, as the beast seeing no longer clearly will +not know where to go. Nevertheless, as it will still be able to bite +you, and will be getting terribly enraged, you must gently open its +mouth and delicately insert therein a twig of the blessed brush that +hangs over your pillow. Thus the beast will be compelled to behave +properly. But remember that the discipline of our order allows you to +retain no property, and the beast cannot belong to you. You must take +into consideration that it is one of God's creatures, and strive to +render it more agreeable. Therefore, before all things, it is +necessary to verify three serious things--viz.: If the flea be a male, +if it be female, or if it be a virgin; supposing it to be a virgin, +which is extremely rare, since these beasts have no morals, are all +wild hussies, and yield to the first seducer who comes, you will seize +her hinder feet, and drawing them under her little caparison, you must +bind them with one of your hairs, and carry it to your superior, who +will decide upon its fate after having consulted the chapter. If it be +a male--" + +"How can one tell that a flea is a virgin? asked the curious novice. + +"First of all," replied Sister Ovide, "she is sad and melancholy, does +not laugh like the others, does not bite so sharp, has her mouth less +wide open, blushes when touched--you know where." + +"In that case," replied the novice, "I have been bitten by a male." + +At this the sisters burst out laughing so heartily that one of them +sounded a bass note and voided a little water and Sister Ovide +pointing to it on the floor, said-- + +"You see there's never wind without rain." + +The novice laughed herself, thinking that these chuckles were caused +by the sister's exclamation. + +"Now," went on Sister Ovide, "if it be a male flea, you take your +scissors, or your lover's dagger, if by chance he has given you one as +a souvenir, previous to your entry into the convent. In short, +furnished with a cutting instrument, you carefully slit open the +flanks of the flea. Expect to hear him howl, cough, spit, beg your +pardon; to see him twist about, sweat, make sheep's eyes, and anything +that may come into his head to put off this operation. But be not +astonished; pluck up your courage when thinking that you are acting +thus to bring a perverted creature into the ways of salvation. Then +you will dextrously take the reins, the liver, the heart, the gizzard, +and noble parts, and dip them all several times into the holy water, +washing and purifying them there, at the same time imploring the Holy +Ghost to sanctify the interior of the beast. Afterwards you will +replace all these intestinal things in the body of the flea, who will +be anxious to get them back again. Being by this means baptised, the +soul of the creature has become Catholic. Immediately you will get a +needle and thread and sew up the belly of the flea with great care, +with such regard and attention as is due to a fellow Christian; you +will even pray for it--a kindness to which you will see it is sensible +by its genuflections and the attentive glances which it will bestow +upon you. In short, it will cry no more, and have no further desire to +kill you; and fleas are often encountered who die from pleasure at +being thus converted to our holy religion. You will do the same to all +you catch; and the others perceiving it, after staring at the convert, +will go away, so perverse are they, and so terrified at the idea of +becoming Christians." + +"And they are therefore wicked," said the novice. "Is there any +greater happiness than to be in the bosom of the Church?" + +"Certainly!" answered sister Ursula, "here we are sheltered from the +dangers of the world and of love, in which there are so many." + +"Is there any other danger than that of having a child at an +unseasonable time?" asked a young sister. + +"During the present reign," replied Ursula, raising her head, "love +has inherited leprosy, St Anthony's fire, the Ardennes' sickness, and +the red rash, and has heaped up all the fevers, agonies, drugs and +sufferings of the lot in his pretty mortar, to draw out therefrom a +terrible compound, of which the devil has given the receipt, luckily +for convents, because there are a great number of frightened ladies, +who become virtuous for fear of this love." + +Thereupon they huddled up close together, alarmed at these words, but +wishing to know more. + +"And is it enough to love, to suffer?" asked a sister. + +"Oh, yes!" cried Sister Ovide. + +"You love just for one little once a pretty gentleman," replied +Ursula, "and you have the chance of seeing your teeth go one by one, +your hair fall off, your cheeks grow pallid, and your eyebrows drop, +and the disappearance of your prized charms will cost you many a sigh. +There are poor women who have scabs come upon their noses, and others +who have a horrid animal with a hundred claws, which gnaws their +tenderest parts. The Pope has at last been compelled to excommunicate +this kind of love." + +"Ah! how lucky I am to have had nothing of that sort," cried the +novice. + +Hearing this souvenir of love, the sisters suspected that the little +one had gone astray through the heat of a crucifix of Poissy, and had +been joking with the Sister Ovide, and drawing her out. All +congratulated themselves on having so merry a jade in their company, +and asked her to what adventure they were indebted for that pleasure. + +"Ah!" said she, "I let myself be bitten by a big flea, who had already +been baptised." + +At this speech, the sister of the bass note could not restrain a +second sign. + +"Ah!" said Sister Ovide, "you are bound to give us the third. If you +spoke that language in the choir, the abbess would diet you like +Sister Petronille; so put a sordine in your trumpet." + +"Is it true that you knew in her lifetime that Sister Petronille on +whom God bestowed the gift of only going twice a year to the bank of +deposit?" asked Sister Ursula. + +"Yes," replied Ovide. "And one evening it happened she had to remain +enthroned until matins, saying, 'I am here by the will of God.' But at +the first verse, she was delivered, in order that she should not miss +the office. Nevertheless, the late abbess would not allow that this +was an especial favour, granted from on high, and said that God did +not look so low. Here are the facts of the case. Our defunct sister, +whose canonisation the order are now endeavouring to obtain at the +court of the Pope, and would have had it if they could have paid the +proper costs of the papal brief; this Petronille, then, had an +ambition to have her name included in the Calendar of Saints, which +was in no way prejudicial to our order. She lived in prayer alone, +would remain in ecstasy before the altar of the virgin, which is on +the side of the fields, and pretend so distinctly to hear the angels +flying in Paradise, that she was able to hum the tunes they were +singing. You all know that she took from them the chant Adoremus, of +which no man could have invented a note. She remained for days with +her eyes fixed like the star, fasting, and putting no more nourishment +into her body that I could into my eye. She had made a vow never to +taste meat, either cooked or raw, and ate only a crust of bread a day; +but on great feast days she would add thereto a morsel of salt fish, +without any sauce. On this diet she became dreadfully thin, yellow and +saffron, and dry as an old bone in a cemetery; for she was of an +ardent disposition, and anyone who had had the happiness of knocking +up against her, would have drawn fire as from a flint. However, little +as she ate, she could not escape an infirmity to which, luckily or +unluckily, we are all more or less subject. If it were otherwise, we +should be very much embarrassed. The affair in question, is the +obligation of expelling after eating, like all the other animals, +matter more or less agreeable, according to constitution. Now Sister +Petronille differed from all others, because she expelled matter such +as is left by a deer, and these are the hardest substances that any +gizzard produces, as you must know, if you have ever put your foot +upon them in the forest glade, and from their hardness they are called +bullets in the language of forestry. This peculiarity of Sister +Petronille's was not unnatural, since long fasts kept her temperament +at a permanent heat. According to the old sisters, her nature was so +burning, that when water touched her, she went frist! like a hot coal. +There are sisters who have accused her of secretly cooking eggs, in +the night, between her toes, in order to support her austerities. But +these were scandals, invented to tarnish this great sanctity of which +all the other nunneries were jealous. Our sister was piloted in the +way of salvation and divine perfection by the Abbot of St. Germaine- +des-Pres de Paris--a holy man, who always finished his injunctions +with a last one, which was to offer to God all our troubles, and +submit ourselves to His will, since nothing happened without His +express commandment. This doctrine, which appears wise at first sight, +has furnished matter for great controversies, and has been finally +condemned on the statement of the Cardinal of Chatillon, who declared +that then there would be no such thing as sin, which would +considerably diminish the revenues of the Church. But Sister +Petronille lived imbued with this feeling, without knowing the danger +of it. After Lent, and the fasts of the great jubilee, for the first +time for eight months she had need to go to the little room, and to it +she went. There, bravely lifting her dress, she put herself into a +position to do that which we poor sinners do rather oftener. But +Sister Petronille could only manage to expectorate the commencement of +the thing, which kept her puffing without the remainder making up its +mind to follow. In spite of every effort, pursing of the lips and +squeezing of body, her guest preferred to remain in her blessed body, +merely putting his head out of the window, like a frog taking the air, +and felt no inclination to fall into the vale of misery among the +others, alleging that he would not be there in the odour of sanctity. +And his idea was a good one for a simple lump of dirt like himself. +The good saint having used all methods of coercion, having +overstretched her muscles, and tried the nerves of her thin face till +they bulged out, recognised the fact that no suffering in the world +was so great, and her anguish attaining the apogee of sphincterial +terrors, she exclaimed, 'Oh! my God, to Thee I offer it!' At this +orison, the stoney matter broke off short, and fell like a flint +against the wall of the privy, making a croc, croc, crooc, paf! You +can easily understand, my sisters, that she had no need of a torch- +cul, and drew back the remainder." + +"Then did she see angels?" asked one. + +"Have they a behind?" asked another. + +"Certainly not," said Ursula. "Do you not know that one general +meeting day, God having ordered them to be seated, they answered Him +that they had not the wherewithal." + +Thereupon they went off to bed, some alone, others nearly alone. They +were good girls, who harmed only themselves. + +I cannot leave them without relating an adventure which took place in +their house, when Reform was passing a sponge over it, and making them +all saints, as before stated. At that time, there was in the episcopal +chair of Paris a veritable saint, who did not brag about what he did, +and cared for naught but the poor and suffering, whom the dear old +Bishop lodged in his heart, neglecting his own interests for theirs, +and seeking out misery in order that he might heal it with words, with +help, with attentions, and with money, according to the case: as ready +to solace the rich in their misfortunes as the poor, patching up their +souls and bringing them back to God; and tearing about hither and +thither, watching his troop, the dear shepherd! Now the good man went +about careless of the state of his cassocks, mantles, and breeches, so +that the naked members of the church were covered. He was so +charitable that he would have pawned himself to save an infidel from +distress. His servants were obliged to look after him carefully. +Ofttimes he would scold them when they changed unasked his tattered +vestments for new; and he used to have them darned and patched, as +long as they would hold together. Now this good archbishop knew that +the late Sieur de Poissy had left a daughter, without a sou or a rag, +after having eaten, drunk, and gambled away her inheritance. This poor +young lady lived in a hovel, without fire in winter or cherries in +spring; and did needlework, not wishing either to marry beneath her or +sell her virtue. Awaiting the time when he should be able to find a +young husband for her, the prelate took it into his head to send her +the outside case of one to mend, in the person of his old breeches, a +task which the young lady, in her present position, would be glad to +undertake. One day that the archbishop was thinking to himself that he +must go to the convent of Poissy, to see after the reformed inmates, +he gave to one of his servants, the oldest of his nether garments, +which was sorely in need of stitches, saying, "Take this, Saintot, to +the young ladies of Poissy," meaning to say, "the young lady of +Poissy." Thinking of affairs connected with the cloister, he did not +inform his varlet of the situation of the lady's house; her desperate +condition having been by him discreetly kept a secret. Saintot took +the breeches and went his way towards Poissy, gay as a grasshopper, +stopping to chat with friends he met on the way, slaking his thirst at +the wayside inns, and showing many things to the breeches during the +journey that might hereafter be useful to them. At last he arrived at +the convent, and informed the abbess that his master had sent him to +give her these articles. When the varlet departed, leaving with the +reverend mother, the garment accustomed to model in relief the +archiepiscopal proportions of the continent nature of the good man, +according to the fashion of the period, beside the image of those +things of which the Eternal Father had deprived His angels, and which +in the good prelate did not want for amplitude. Madame the abbess +having informed the sisters of the precious message of the good +archbishop they came in haste, curious and hustling, as ants into +whose republic a chestnut husk has fallen. When they undid the +breeches, which gaped horribly, they shrieked out, covering their eyes +with one hand, in great fear of seeing the devil come out, the abbess +exclaiming, "Hide yourselves my daughters! This is the abode of mortal +sin!" + +The mother of the novices, giving a little look between her fingers, +revived the courage of the holy troop, swearing by an Ave that no +living head was domiciled in the breeches. Then they all blushed at +their ease, while examining this habitavit, thinking that perhaps the +desire of the prelate was that they should discover therein some sage +admonition or evangelical parable. Although this sight caused certain +ravages in the hearts of those most virtuous maidens, they paid little +attention to the flutterings of their reins, but sprinkling a little +holy water in the bottom of the abyss, one touched it, another passed +her finger through a hole, and grew bolder looking at it. It has even +been pretended that, their first stir over, the abbess found a voice +sufficiently firm to say, "What is there at the bottom of this? With +what idea has our father sent us that which consummates the ruin of +women?" + +"It's fifteen years, dear mother, since I have been permitted to gaze +upon the demon's den." + +"Silence, my daughter. You prevent me thinking what is best to be +done." + +Then so much were these archiepiscopal breeches turned and twisted +about, admired and re-admired, pulled here, pulled there, and turned +inside out--so much were they talked about, fought about, thought +about, dreamed about, night and day, that on the morrow a little +sister said, after having sung the matins, to which the convent had a +verse and two responses--"Sisters, I have found out the parable of the +archbishop. He has sent us as a mortification his garment to mend, as +a holy warning to avoid idleness, the mother abbess of all the vices." + +Thereupon there was a scramble to get hold of the breeches; but the +abbess, using her high authority, reserved to herself the meditation +over this patchwork. She was occupied during ten days, praying, and +sewing the said breeches, lining them with silk, and making double +hems, well sewn, and in all humility. Then the chapter being +assembled, it was arranged that the convent should testify by a pretty +souvenir to the said archbishop their delight that he thought of his +daughters in God. Then all of them, to the very youngest, had to do +some work on these blessed breeches, in order to do honour to the +virtue of the good man. + +Meanwhile the prelate had had so much to attend to, that he had +forgotten all about his garment. This is how it came about. He made +the acquaintance of a noble of the court, who, having lost his wife--a +she-fiend and sterile--said to the good priest, that he had a great +ambition to meet with a virtuous woman, confiding in God, with whom he +was not likely to quarrel, and was likely to have pretty children. +Such a one he desired to hold by the hand, and have confidence in. +Then the holy man drew such a picture of Mademoiselle de Poissy, that +this fair one soon became Madame de Genoilhac. The wedding was +celebrated at the archiepiscopal palace, where was a feast of the +first quality and a table bordered with ladies of the highest lineage, +and the fashionable world of the court, among whom the bride appeared +the most beautiful, since it has certain that she was a virgin, the +archbishop guaranteeing her virtue. + +When the fruit, conserves, and pastry were with many ornaments +arranged on the cloth, Saintot said to the archbishop, "Monseigneur, +your well-beloved daughters of Poissy send you a fine dish for the +centre." + +"Put it there," said the good man, gazing with admiration at an +edifice of velvet and satin, embroidered with fine ribbon, in the +shape of an ancient vase, the lid of which exhaled a thousand +superfine odours. + +Immediately the bride, uncovering it, found therein sweetmeats, cakes, +and those delicious confections to which the ladies are so partial. +But of one of them--some curious devotee--seeing a little piece of +silk, pulled it towards her, and exposed to view the habitation of the +human compass, to the great confusion of the prelate, for laughter +rang round the table like a discharge of artillery. + +"Well have they made the centre dish," said the bridegroom. "These +young ladies are of good understanding. Therein are all the sweets of +matrimony." + +Can there be any better moral than that deduced by Monsieur de +Genoilhac? Then no other is needed. + + + +HOW THE CHATEAU D'AZAY CAME TO BE BUILT + +Jehan, son of Simon Fourniez, called Simonnin, a citizen of Tours-- +originally of the village of Moulinot, near to Beaune, whence, in +imitation of certain persons, he took the name when he became steward +to Louis the Eleventh--had to fly one day into Languedoc with his +wife, having fallen into great disgrace, and left his son Jacques +penniless in Touraine. This youth, who possessed nothing in the world +except his good looks, his sword, and spurs, but whom worn-out old men +would have considered very well off, had in his head a firm intention +to save his father, and make his fortune at the court, then holden in +Touraine. At early dawn this good Tourainian left his lodging, and, +enveloped in his mantle, all except his nose, which he left open to +the air, and his stomach empty, walked about the town without any +trouble of digestion. He entered the churches, thought them beautiful, +looked into the chapels, flicked the flies from the pictures, and +counted the columns all after the manner of a man who knew not what to +do with his time or his money. At other times he feigned to recite his +paternosters, but really made mute prayers to the ladies, offered them +holy water when leaving, followed them afar off, and endeavoured by +these little services to encounter some adventure, in which at the +peril of his life he would find for himself a protector or a gracious +mistress. He had in his girdle two doubloons which he spared far more +than his skin, because that would be replaced, but the doubloons +never. Each day he took from his little hoard the price of a roll and +a few apples, with which he sustained life, and drank at his will and +his discretion of the water of the Loire. This wholesome and prudent +diet, besides being good for his doubloons, kept him frisky and light +as a greyhound, gave him a clear understanding and a warm heart for +the water of the Loire is of all syrups the most strengthening, +because having its course afar off it is invigorated by its long run, +through many strands, before it reaches Tours. So you may be sure that +the poor fellow imagined a thousand and one good fortunes and lucky +adventures, and what is more, almost believed them true. Oh! The good +times! One evening Jacques de Beaune (he kept the name although he was +not lord of Beaune) was walking along the embankment, occupied in +cursing his star and everything, for his last doubloon was with scant +respect upon the point of quitting him; when at the corner of a little +street, he nearly ran against a veiled lady, whose sweet odour +gratified his amorous senses. This fair pedestrian was bravely mounted +on pretty pattens, wore a beautiful dress of Italian velvet, with wide +slashed satin sleeves; while as a sign of her great fortune, through +her veil a white diamond of reasonable size shone upon her forehead +like the rays of the setting sun, among her tresses, which were +delicately rolled, built up, and so neat, that they must have taken +her maids quite three hours to arrange. She walked like a lady who was +only accustomed to a litter. One of her pages followed her, well +armed. She was evidently some light o'love belonging to a noble of +high rank or a lady of the court, since she held her dress high off +the ground, and bent her back like a woman of quality. Lady or +courtesan she pleased Jacques de Beaune, who, far from turning up his +nose at her, conceived the wild idea of attaching himself to her for +life. With this in view he determined to follow her in order to +ascertain whither she would lead him--to Paradise or to the limbo of +hell--to a gibbet or to an abode of love. Anything was a glean of hope +to him in the depth of his misery. The lady strolled along the bank of +the Loire towards Plessis inhaling like a fish the fine freshness of +the water, toying, sauntering like a little mouse who wishes to see +and taste everything. When the page perceived that Jacques de Beaune +persistently followed his mistress in all her movements, stopped when +she stopped, and watched her trifling in a bare-faced fashion, as if +he had a right so to do, he turned briskly round with a savage and +threatening face, like that of a dog whose says, "Stand back, sir!" +But the good Tourainian had his wits about him. Believing that if a +cat may look at king, he, a baptised Christian, might certainly look +at a pretty woman, he stepped forward, and feigning to grin at the +page, he strutted now behind and now before the lady. She said +nothing, but looked at the sky, which was putting on its nightcap, the +stars, and everything which could give her pleasure. So things went +on. At last, arrived outside Portillon, she stood still, and in order +to see better, cast her veil back over her shoulder, and in so doing +cast upon the youth the glance of a clever woman who looks round to +see if there is any danger of being robbed. I may tell you that +Jacques de Beaune was a thorough ladies' man, could walk by the side +of a princess without disgracing her, had a brave and resolute air +which please the sex, and if he was a little browned by the sun from +being so much in the open air, his skin would look white enough under +the canopy of a bed. The glance, keen as a needle, which the lady +threw him, appeared to him more animated than that with which she +would have honoured her prayer-book. Upon it he built the hope of a +windfall of love, and resolved to push the adventure to the very edge +of the petticoat, risking to go still further, not only his lips, +which he held of little count, but his two ears and something else +besides. He followed into the town the lady, who returned by the Rue +des Trois-Pucelles, and led the gallant through a labyrinth of little +streets, to the square in which is at the present time situated the +Hotel de la Crouzille. There she stopped at the door of a splendid +mansion, at which the page knocked. A servant opened it, and the lady +went in and closed the door, leaving the Sieur de Beaune open-mouthed, +stupefied, and as foolish as Monseigneur St. Denis when he was trying +to pick up his head. He raised his nose in the air to see if some +token of favour would be thrown to him, and saw nothing except a light +which went up the stairs, through the rooms, and rested before a fine +window, where probably the lady was also. You can believe that the +poor lover remained melancholy and dreaming, and not knowing what to +do. The window gave a sudden creak and broke his reverie. Fancying +that his lady was about to call him, he looked up again, and but for +the friendly shelter of the balcony, which was a helmet to him, he +would have received a stream of water and the utensil which contained +it, since the handle only remained in the grasp of the person who +delivered the deluge. Jacques de Beaune, delighted at this, did not +lose the opportunity, but flung himself against the wall, crying "I am +killed," with a feeble voice. Then stretching himself upon the +fragments of broken china, he lay as if dead, awaiting the issue. The +servants rushed out in a state of alarm, fearing their mistress, to +whom they had confessed their fault, and picked up the wounded man, +who could hardly restrain his laughter at being then carried up the +stairs. + +"He is cold," said the page. + +"He is covered with blood," said the butler, who while feeling his +pulse had wetted his hand. + +"If he revives," said the guilty one, "I will pay for a mass to St. +Gatien." + +"Madame takes after her late father, and if she does not have thee +hanged, the least mitigation of thy penalty will be that thou wilt be +kicked out of her house and service," said another. "Certes, he's dead +enough, he is so heavy." + +"Ah! I am in the house of a very great lady," thought Jacques. + +"Alas! is he really dead?" demanded the author of the calamity. While +with great labour the Tourainian was being carried up the stairs, his +doublet caught on a projection, and the dead man cried, "Ah, my +doublet!" + +"He groans," said the culprit, with a sigh of relief. The Regent's +servants (for this was the house of the Regent, the daughter of King +Louis XI. of virtuous memory) brought Jacques de Beaune into a room, +and laid him stiff and stark upon a table, not thinking for a moment +that he could be saved. + +"Run and fetch a surgeon," cried Madame de Beaujeu. "Run here, run +there!" + +The servants were down the stairs in a trice. The good lady Regent +dispatched her attendants for ointment, for linen to bind the wounds, +for goulard-water, for so many things, that she remained alone. Gazing +upon this splendid and senseless man, she cried aloud, admiring his +presence and his features, handsome even in death. "Ah! God wishes to +punish me. Just for one little time in my life has there been born in +me, and taken possession of me, a naughty idea, and my patron saint is +angry, and deprives me of the sweetest gentleman I have ever seen. By +the rood, and by the soul of my father, I will hang every man who has +had a hand in this!" + +"Madame," cried Jacques de Beaune, springing from the table, and +falling at the feet of the Regent, "I will live to serve you, and am +so little bruised that that I promise you this night as many joys as +there are months in the year, in imitation of the Sieur Hercules, a +pagan baron. For the last twenty days," he went on (thinking that +matters would be smoothed by a little lying), "I have met you again +and again. I fell madly in love with you, yet dared not, by reason of +my great respect for your person, make an advance. You can imagine how +intoxicated I must have been with your royal beauties, to have +invented the trick to which I owe the happiness of being at your +feet." + +Thereupon he kissed her amorously, and gave her a look that would have +overcome any scruples. The Regent, by means of time, which respects +not queens, was, as everyone knows, in her middle age. In this +critical and autumnal season, women formally virtuous and loveless +desire now here, now there, to enjoy, unknown to the world, certain +hours of love, in order that they may not arrive in the other world +with hands and heart alike empty, through having left the fruit of the +tree of knowledge untasted. The lady of Beaujeu, without appearing to +be astonished while listening to the promises of this young man, since +royal personages ought to be accustomed to having them by dozens, kept +this ambitious speech in the depths of her memory or of her registry +of love, which caught fire at his words. Then she raised the +Tourainian, who still found in his misery the courage to smile at his +mistress, who had the majesty of a full-blown rose, ears like shoes, +and the complexion of a sick cat, but was so well-dressed, so fine in +figure, so royal of foot, and so queenly in carriage, that he might +still find in this affair means to gain his original object. + +"Who are you?" said the Regent, putting on the stern look of her +father. + +"I am your very faithful subject, Jacques de Beaune, son of your +steward, who has fallen into disgrace in spite of his faithful +services." + +"Ah, well!" replied the lady, "lay yourself on the table again. I hear +someone coming; and it is not fit that my people should think me your +accomplice in this farce and mummery." + +The good fellow perceived, by the soft sound of her voice, that he was +pardoned the enormity of his love. He lay down upon the table again, +and remembered how certain lords had ridden to court in an old stirrup +--a thought which perfectly reconciled him to his present position. + +"Good," said the Regent to her maid-servants, "nothing is needed. This +gentleman is better; thanks to heaven and the Holy Virgin, there will +have been no murder in my house." + +Thus saying, she passed her hand through the locks of the lover who +had fallen to her from the skies, and taking a little reviving water +she bathed his temples, undid his doublet, and under pretence of +aiding his recovery, verified better than an expert how soft and young +was the skin on this young fellow and bold promiser of bliss, and all +the bystanders, men and women, were amazed to see the Regent act thus. +But humanity never misbecomes those of royal blood. Jacques stood up, +and appeared to come to his senses, thanked the Regent most humbly, +and dismissed the physicians, master surgeons, and other imps in +black, saying that he had thoroughly recovered. Then he gave his name, +and saluting Madame de Beaujeu, wished to depart, as though afraid of +her on account of his father's disgrace, but no doubt horrified at his +terrible vow. + +"I cannot permit it," said she. "Persons who come to my house should +not meet with such treatment as you have encountered. The Sieur de +Beaune will sup here," she added to her major domo. "He who has so +unduly insulted him will be at his mercy if he makes himself known +immediately; otherwise, I will have him found out and hanged by the +provost." + +Hearing this, the page who had attended the lady during her promenade +stepped forward. + +"Madame," said Jacques, "at my request pray both pardon and reward +him, since to him I owe the felicity of seeing you, the favour of +supping in your company, and perhaps that of getting my father re- +established in the office to which it pleased your glorious father to +appoint him." + +"Well said," replied the Regent. "D'Estouteville," said she, turning +towards the page, "I give thee command of a company of archers. But +for the future do not throw things out of the window." + +Then she, delighted with de Beaune, offered him her hand, and led him +most gallantly into her room, where they conversed freely together +while supper was being prepared. There the Sieur Jacques did not fail +to exhibit his talents, justify his father, and raise himself in the +estimation of the lady, who, as is well known, was like a father in +disposition, and did everything at random. Jacques de Beaune thought +to himself that it would be rather difficult for him to remain all +night with the Regent. Such matters are not so easily arranged as the +amours of cats, who have always a convenient refuge upon the housetops +for their moments of dalliance. So he rejoiced that he was known to +the Regent without being compelled to fulfil his rash promise, since +for this to be carried out it was necessary that the servants and +others should be out of the way, and her reputation safe. +Nevertheless, suspecting the powers of intrigue of the good lady, at +times he would ask himself if he were equal to the task. But beneath +the surface of conversation, the same thing was in the mind of the +Regent, who had already managed affairs quite as difficult, and she +began most cleverly to arrange the means. She sent for one of her +secretaries, an adept in all arts necessary for the perfect government +of a kingdom, and ordered him to give her secretly a false message +during the supper. Then came the repast, which the lady did not touch, +since her heart had swollen like a sponge, and so diminished her +stomach, for she kept thinking of this handsome and desirable man, +having no appetite save for him. Jacques did not fail to make a good +meal for many reasons. The messenger came, madame began to storm, and +to knit her brows after the manner of the late king, and to say, "Is +there never to be peace in this land? Pasques Dieu! can we not have +one quiet evening?" Then she rose and strode about the room. "Ho +there! My horse! Where is Monsieur de Vieilleville, my squire? Ah, he +is in Picardy. D'Estouteville, you will rejoin me with my household at +the Chateau d'Amboise...." And looking at Jacques, she said, "You +shall be my squire, Sieur de Beaune. You wish to serve the state. The +occasion is a good one. Pasques Dieu! come! There are rebels to +subdue, and faithful knights are needed." + +In less time than an old beggar would have taken to say thank you, the +horses were bridled, saddled, and ready. Madame was on her mare, and +the Tourainian at her side, galloping at full speed to her castle at +Amboise, followed by the men-at-arms. To be brief and come to the +facts without further commentary, the De Beaune was lodged not twenty +yards from Madame, far from prying eyes. The courtiers and the +household, much astonished, ran about inquiring from what quarter the +danger might be expected; but our hero, taken at his word, knew well +enough where to find it. The virtue of the Regent, well known in the +kingdom, saved her from suspicion, since she was supposed be as +impregnable as the Chateau de Peronne. At curfew, when everything was +shut, both ears and eyes, and the castle silent, Madame de Beaujeu +sent away her handmaid, and called for her squire. The squire came. +Then the lady and the adventurer sat side by side upon a velvet couch, +in the shadow of a lofty fireplace, and the curious Regent, with a +tender voice, asked of Jacques "Are you bruised? It was very wrong of +me to make a knight, wounded by one on my servants, ride twelve miles. +I was so anxious about it that I would not go to bed without having +seen you. Do you suffer?" + +"I suffer with impatience," said he of the dozen, thinking it would +not do to appear reluctant. "I see well," continued he, "my noble and +beautiful mistress, that your servant has found favour in your sight." + +"There, there!" replied she; "did you not tell a story when you +said--" + +"What?" said he. + +"Why, that you had followed me dozens of times to churches, and other +places to which I went." + +"Certainly," said he. + +"I am astonished," replied the Regent, "never to have seen until today +a noble youth whose courage is so apparent in his countenance. I am +not ashamed of that which you heard me say when I believed you dead. +You are agreeable to me, you please me, and you wish to do well." + +Then the hour of the dreaded sacrifice having struck, Jacques fell at +the knees of the Regent, kissed her feet, her hands, and everything, +it is said; and while kissing her, previous to retirement, proved by +many arguments to the aged virtue of his sovereign, that a lady +bearing the burden of the state had a perfect right to enjoy herself-- +a theory which was not directly admitted by the Regent, who determined +to be forced, in order to throw the burden of this sin upon her lover. +This notwithstanding, you may be sure that she had highly perfumed and +elegantly attired herself for the night, and shone with desire for +embraces, for desire lent her a high colour which greatly improved her +complexion; and in spite of her feeble resistance she was, like a +young girl, carried by assault in her royal couch, where the good lady +and her young dozener, embraced each other. Then from play to quarrel, +quarrel to riot, from riot to ribaldry, from thread to needle, the +Regent declared that she believed more in the virginity of the Holy +Mary than in the promised dozen. Now, by chance, Jacques de Beaune did +not find this great lady so very old between the sheets, since +everything is metamorphosed by the light of the lamps of the night. +Many women of fifty by day are twenty at midnight, as others are +twenty at mid-day and a hundred after vespers. Jacques, happier at +this sight than at that of the King on a hanging day, renewed his +undertaking. Madame, herself astonished, promised every assistance on +her part. The manor of Azay-le-Brule, with a good title thereto, she +undertook to confer upon her cavalier, as well as the pardon of his +father, if from this encounter she came forth vanquished, then the +clever fellows said to himself, "This is to save my father from +punishment! this for the fief! this for the letting and selling! this +for the forest of Azay! item for the right of fishing! another for the +Isles of the Indre! this for the meadows! I may as well release from +confiscation our land of La Carte, so dearly bought by my father! Once +more for a place at court!" Arriving without hindrance at this point, +he believed his dignity involved, and fancied that having France under +him, it was a question of the honour of the crown. In short, at the +cost of a vow which he made to his patron, Monsieur St. Jacques, to +build him a chapel at Azay, he presented his liege homage to the +Regent eleven clear, clean, limpid, and genuine periphrases. +Concerning the epilogue of this slow conversation, the Tourainian had +the great self-confidence to wish excellently to regale the Regent, +keeping for her on her waking the salute of an honest man, as it was +necessary for the lord of Azay to thank his sovereign, which was +wisely thought. But when nature is oppressed, she acts like a spirited +horse, lays down, and will die under the whip sooner than move until +it pleases her to rise reinvigorated. Thus, when in the morning the +seignior of the castle of Azay desired to salute the daughter of King +Louis XI., he was constrained, in spite of his courtesy, to make the +salute as royal salutes should be made--with blank cartridge only. +Therefore the Regent, after getting up, and while she was breakfasting +with Jacques, who called himself the legitimate Lord of Azay, seized +the occasion of this insufficiency to contradict her esquire, and +pretend, that as he had not gained his wager, he had not earned the +manor. + +"Ventre-Saint-Paterne! I have been near enough," said Jacques. "But my +dear lady and noble sovereign it is not proper for either you or me to +judge in this cause. The case being an allodial case, must be brought +before your council, since the fief of Azay is held from the crown." + +"Pasques dieu!" replied the Regent with a forced laugh. "I give you +the place of the Sieur de Vieilleville in my house. Don't trouble +about your father. I will give you Azay, and will place you in a royal +office if you can, without injury to my honour, state the case in full +council; but if one word falls to the damage of my reputation as a +virtuous women, I--" + +"May I be hanged," said Jacques, turning the thing into a joke, +because there was a shade of anger in the face of Madame de Beaujeu. + +In fact, the daughter of King Louis thought more of her royalty than +of the roguish dozen, which she considered as nothing, since fancying +she had had her night's amusement without loosening her purse-strings, +she preferred the difficult recital of his claim to another dozen +offered her by the Tourainian. + +"Then, my lady," replied her good companion, "I shall certainly be +your squire." + +The captains, secretaries, and other persons holding office under the +regency, astonished at the sudden departure of Madame de Beaujeu, +learned the cause of her anxiety, and came in haste to the castle of +Amboise to discover whence preceded the rebellion, and were in +readiness to hold a council when her Majesty had arisen. She called +them together, not to be suspected of having deceived them, and gave +them certain falsehoods to consider, which they considered most +wisely. At the close of the sitting, came the new squire to accompany +his mistress. Seeing the councillors rising, the bold Tourainian +begged them to decide a point of law which concerned both himself and +the property of the Crown. + +"Listen to him," said the Regent. "He speaks truly." + +Then Jacques de Beaune, without being nervous at the sight of this +august court, spoke as follows, or thereabouts:--"Noble Lords, I beg +you, although I am about to speak to you of walnut shells, to give +your attention to this case, and pardon me the trifling nature of my +language. One lord was walking with another in a fruit garden, and +noticed a fine walnut tree, well planted, well grown, worth looking +at, worth keeping, although a little empty; a nut tree always fresh, +sweet-smelling, the tree which you would not leave if you once saw it, +a tree of love which seemed the tree of good and evil, forbidden by +the Lord, through which were banished our mother Eve and the gentleman +her husband. Now, my lords, this said walnut tree was the subject of a +slight dispute between the two, and one of those many wagers which are +occasionally made between friends. The younger boasted that he could +throw twelve times through it a stick which he had in his hand at the +time--as many people have who walk in a garden--and with each flight +of the stick he would send a nut to the ground--" + +"That is, I believe the knotty point of the case," said Jacques +turning towards the Regent. + +"Yes, gentlemen," replied she, surprised at the craft of her squire. + +"The other wagered to the contrary," went on the pleader. "Now the +first named throws his stick with such precision of aim, so gently, +and so well that both derived pleasure therefrom, and by the joyous +protection of the saints, who no doubt were amused spectators, with +each throw there fell a nut; in fact, there fell twelve. But by chance +the last of the fallen nuts was empty, and had no nourishing pulp from +which could have come another nut tree, had the gardener planted it. +Has the man with the stick gained his wager? Judge." + +"The thing is clear enough," said Messire Adam Fumee, a Tourainian, +who at that time was the keeper of the seals. "There is only one thing +for the other to do." + +"What is that?" said the Regent. + +"To pay the wager, Madame." + +"He is rather too clever," said she, tapping her squire on the cheek. +"He will be hanged one of these days." + +She meant it as a joke, but these words were the real horoscope of the +steward, who mounted the gallows by the ladder of royal favour, +through the vengeance of another old woman, and the notorious treason +of a man of Ballan, his secretary, whose fortune he had made, and +whose name was Prevost, and not Rene Gentil, as certain persons have +wrongly called him. The Ganelon and bad servant gave, it is said, to +Madame d'Angouleme, the receipt for the money which had been given him +by Jacques de Beaune, then become Baron of Samblancay, lord of La +Carte and Azay, and one of the foremost men in the state. Of his two +sons, one was Archbishop of Tours the other Minister of Finance and +Governor of Touraine. But this is not the subject of the present +history. + +Now that which concerns the present narrative, is that Madame de +Beaujeu, to whom the pleasure of love had come rather late in the day, +well pleased with the great wisdom and knowledge of public affairs +which her chance lover possessed, made him Lord of the Privy Purse, in +which office he behaved so well, and added so much to the contents of +it, that his great renown procured for him one day the handling of the +revenues which he superintended and controlled most admirably, and +with great profit to himself, which was but fair. The good Regent paid +the bet, and handed over to her squire the manor of Azay-le-Brule, of +which the castle had long before been demolished by the first +bombardiers who came from Touraine, as everyone knows. For this +powdery miracle, but for the intervention of the king, the said +engineers would have been condemned as heretics and abettors of Satan, +by the ecclesiastical tribune of the chapter. + +At this time there was being built with great care by Messire Bohier, +Minister of Finance, the Castle of Chenonceaux, which as a curiosity +and novel design, was placed right across the river Cher. + +Now the Baron de Samblancay, wishing to oppose the said Bohier, +determined to lay the foundation of this at the bottom of the Indre, +where it still stands, the gem of this fair green valley, so solidly +was it placed upon the piles. It cost Jacques de Beaune thirty +thousand crowns, not counting the work done by his vassals. You may +take it for granted this castle was one of the finest, prettiest, most +exquisite and most elaborate castles of our sweet Touraine, and laves +itself in the Indre like a princely creature, gayly decked with +pavilions and lace curtained windows, with fine weather-beaten +soldiers on her vanes, turning whichever way the wind blows, as all +soldiers do. But Samblancay was hanged before it was finished, and +since that time no one has been found with sufficient money to +complete it. Nevertheless, his master, King Francis the First, was +once his guest, and the royal chamber is still shown there. When the +king was going to bed, Samblancay, whom the king called "old fellow," +in honour of his white hairs, hearing his royal master, to whom he was +devotedly attached, remark, "Your clock has just struck twelve, old +fellow!" replied, "Ah! sire, to twelve strokes of a hammer, an old one +now, but years ago a good one, at this hour of the clock do I owe my +lands, the money spent on this place, and honour of being in your +service." + +The king wished to know what his minister meant by these strange +words; and when his majesty was getting into bed, Jacques de Beaune +narrated to him the history with which you are acquainted. Now Francis +the First, who was partial to these spicy stories, thought the +adventure a very droll one, and was the more amused thereat because at +that time his mother, the Duchess d'Angouleme, in the decline of life, +was pursuing the Constable of Bourbon, in order to obtain of him one +of these dozens. Wicked love of a wicked woman, for therefrom +proceeded the peril of the kingdom, the capture of the king, and the +death--as has been before mentioned--of poor Samblancay. + +I have here endeavoured to relate how the Chateau d'Azay came to be +built, because it is certain that thus was commenced the great fortune +of that Samblancay who did so much for his natal town, which he +adorned; and also spent such immense sums upon the completion of the +towers of the cathedral. This lucky adventure has been handed down +from father to son, and lord to lord, in the said place of Azay-les- +Ridel, where the story frisks still under the curtains of the king, +which have been curiously respected down to the present day. It is +therefore the falsest of falsities which attributes the dozen of the +Tourainian to a German knight, who by this deed would have secured the +domains of Austria to the House of Hapsburgh. The author of our days, +who brought this history to light, although a learned man, has allowed +himself to be deceived by certain chroniclers, since the archives of +the Roman Empire make no mention of an acquisition of this kind. I am +angry with him for having believed that a "braguette" nourished with +beer, could have been equal to the alchemical operations of the +Chinonian "braguettes," so much esteemed by Rabelais. And I have for +the advantage of the country, the glory of Azay, the conscience of the +castle, and renown of the House of Beaune, from which sprang the +Sauves and the Noirmoutiers, re-established the facts in all their +veritable, historical, and admirable beauty. Should any ladies pay a +visit to the castle, there are still dozens to be found in the +neighbourhood, but they can only be procured retail. + + + +THE FALSE COURTESAN + +That which certain people do not know, is a the truth concerning the +decease of the Duke of Orleans, brother of King Charles VI., a death +which proceeded from a great number of causes, one of which will be +the subject of this narrative. This prince was for certain the most +lecherous of all the royal race of Monseigneur St. Louis (who was in +his life time King of France), without even putting on one side some +of the most debauched of this fine family, which was so concordant +with the vices and especial qualities of our brave and pleasure- +seeking nation, that you could more easily imagine Hell without Satan +than France without her valorous, glorious, and jovial kings. So you +can laugh as loudly at those muckworms of philosophy who go about +saying, "Our fathers were better," as at the good, philanthropical old +bunglers who pretend that mankind is on the right road to perfection. +These are old blind bats, who observe neither the plumage of oysters +nor the shells of birds, which change no more than our ways. Hip, hip, +huzzah! then, make merry while you're young. Keep your throats wet and +your eyes dry, since a hundredweight of melancholy is worth less than +an ounce of jollity. The wrong doings of this lord, lover of Queen +Isabella, whom he doted upon, brought about pleasant adventures, since +he was a great wit, of Alcibaidescal nature, and a chip off the old +block. It was he who first conceived the idea of a relay of +sweethearts, so that when he went from Paris to Bordeaux, every time +he unsettled his nag he found ready for him a good meal and a bed with +as much lace inside as out. Happy Prince! who died on horseback, for +he was always across something in-doors and out. Of his comical jokes +our most excellent King Louis the Eleventh has given a splendid sample +in the book of "Cent Nouvelles Nouvelles," written under his +superintendence during his exile, at the Court of Burgundy, where, +during the long evenings, in order to amuse themselves, he and his +cousin Charolois would relate to each other the good tricks and jokes +of the period; and when they were hard up for true stories, each of +the courtiers tried who could invent the best one. But out of respect +for the royal blood, the Dauphin has credited a townsman with that +which happened to the Lady of Cany. It is given under the title of "La +Medaille a revers", in the collection of which it is one of the +brightest jewels, and commences the hundred. But now for mine. + +The Duc d'Orleans had in his suite a lord of the province of Picardy, +named Raoul d'Hocquetonville, who had taken for a wife, to the future +trouble of the prince, a young lady related to the house of Burgundy, +and rich in domains. But, an exception to the general run of +heiresses, she was of so dazzling a beauty, that all the ladies of the +court, even the Queen and Madame Valentine, were thrown into the +shade; nevertheless, this was as nothing in the lady of +Hocquetonville, compared with her Burgundian consanguinity, her +inheritances, her prettiness, and gentle nature, because these rare +advantages received a religious lustre from her supreme innocence, +sweet modesty, and chaste education. The Duke had not long gazed upon +this heaven-sent flower before he was seized with the fever of love. +He fell into a state of melancholy, frequented no bad places, and only +with regret now and then did he take a bite at his royal and dainty +German morsel Isabella. He became passionate, and swore either by +sorcery, by force, by trickery, or with her consent, to enjoy the +flavours of this gentle lady, who, by the sight of her sweet body, +forced him to the last extremity, during his now long and weary +nights. At first, he pursued her with honied words, but he soon knew +by her untroubled air that she was determined to remain virtuous, for +without appearing astonished at his proceedings, or getting angry like +certain other ladies, she replied to him, "My lord, I must inform you +that I do not desire to trouble myself with the love of other persons, +not that I despise the joys which are therein to be experienced (as +supreme they must be, since so many ladies cast into the abyss of love +their homes, their honour, their future, and everything), but from the +love I bear my children. Never would I be the cause of a blush upon +their cheeks, for in this idea will I bring up my daughters--that in +virtue alone is happiness to be found. For, my lord, if the days of +our old age are more numerous than those of our youth, of them must we +think. From those who brought me up I learned to properly estimate +this life, and I know that everything therein is transitory, except +the security of the natural affections. Thus I wish for the esteem of +everyone, and above all that of my husband, who is all the world to +me. Therefore do I desire to appear honest in his sight. I have +finished, and I entreat you to allow me unmolested to attend to my +household affairs, otherwise I will unhesitatingly refer the matter to +my lord and master, who will quit your service." + +This brave reply rendered the king's brother more amorous than ever, +and he endeavoured to ensnare this noble woman in order to possess +her, dead or alive, and he never doubted a bit that he would have her +in his clutches, relying upon his dexterity at this kind of sport, the +most joyous of all, in which it is necessary to employ the weapons of +all other kinds of sport, seeing that this sweet game is taken +running, by taking aim, by torchlight, by night, by day, in the town, +in the country, in the woods, by the waterside, in nets, with falcons, +with the lance, with the horn, with the gun, with the decoy bird, in +snares, in the toils, with a bird call, by the scent, on the wing, +with the cornet, in slime, with a bait, with the lime-twig--indeed, by +means of all the snares invented since the banishment of Adam. And +gets killed in various different ways, but generally is overridden. + +The artful fellow ceased to mention his desires, but had a post of +honour given to the Lady of Hocquetonville, in the queen's household. +Now, one day that the said Isabella went to Vincennes, to visit the +sick King, and left him master of the Hotel St. Paul, he commanded the +chef to have a delicate and royal supper prepared, and to serve it in +the queen's apartments. Then he sent for his obstinate lady by express +command, and by one of the pages of the household. The Countess +d'Hocquetonville, believing that she was desired by Madame Isabella +for some service appertaining to her post, or invited to some sudden +amusement, hastened to the room. In consequence of the precautions +taken by the disloyal lover, no one had been able to inform the noble +dame of the princess's departure, so she hastened to the splendid +chamber, which, in the Hotel St. Paul, led into the queen's +bedchamber; there she found the Duc d'Orleans alone. Suspecting some +treacherous plot, she went quickly into the other room, found no +queen, but heard the Prince give vent to a hearty laugh. + +"I am undone!" said she. Then she endeavoured to run away. + +But the good lady-killer had posted about devoted attendants, who, +without knowing what was going on, closed the hotel, barricaded the +doors, and in this mansion, so large that it equalled a fourth of +Paris, the Lady d'Hocquetonville was as in a desert, with no other aid +than that of her patron saint and God. Then, suspecting the truth, the +poor lady trembled from head to foot and fell into a chair; and then +the working of this snare, so cleverly conceived, was, with many a +hearty laugh, revealed to her by her lover. Directly the duke made a +movement to approach her this woman rose and exclaimed, arming herself +first with her tongue, and flashing one thousand maledictions from her +eyes-- + +"You will possess me--but dead! Ha! my lord, do not force me to a +struggle which must become known to certain people. I may yet retire, +and the Sire d'Hocquetonville shall be ignorant of the sorrow with +which you have forever tinged my life. Duke, you look too often in the +ladies' faces to find time to study men's, and you do not therefore +know your man. The Sire d'Hocquetonville would let himself be hacked +to pieces in your service, so devoted is he to you, in memory of your +kindness to him, and also because he is partial to you. But as he +loves so does he hate; and I believe him to be the man to bring his +mace down upon your head, to take his revenge, if you but compel me to +utter one cry. Do you desire both my death and your own? But be +assured that, as an honest woman, whatever happens to me, good or +evil, I shall keep no secret. Now, will you let me go?" + +The bad fellow began to whistle. Hearing his whistling, the good woman +went suddenly into the queen's chamber, and took from a place known to +her therein, a sharp stiletto. Then, when the duke followed her to +ascertain what this flight meant, "When you pass that line," cried +she, pointing to a board, "I will kill myself." + +My lord, without being in the least terrified, took a chair, placed it +at the very edge of the plank in question, and commenced a glowing +description of certain things, hoping to influence the mind of this +brave woman, and work her to that point that her brain, her heart, and +everything should be at his mercy. Then he commenced to say to her, in +that delicate manner to which princes are accustomed, that, in the +first place, virtuous women pay dearly for their virtue, since in +order to gain the uncertain blessings of the future, they lose all the +sweetest joys of the present, because husbands were compelled, from +motives of conjugal policy, not show them all the jewels in the shrine +of love, since the said jewels would so affect their hearts, was so +rapturously delicious, so titillatingly voluptuous, that a woman would +no longer consent to dwell in the cold regions of domestic life; and +he declared this marital abomination to be a great felony, because the +least thing a man could do in recognition of the virtuous life of a +good woman and her great merits, was to overwork himself, to exert, to +exterminate himself, to please her in every way, with fondlings and +kissings and wrestlings, and all the delicacies and sweet +confectionery of love; and that, if she would taste a little of the +seraphic joys of these little ways to her unknown, she would believe +all the other things of life as not worth a straw; and that, if such +were her wish, he would forever be as silent as the grave, and last no +scandal would besmear her virtue. And the lewd fellow, perceiving that +the lady did not stop her ears, commenced to describe to her, after +the fashion of arabesque pictures, which at that time were much +esteemed, the wanton inventions of debauchery. Then did his eyes shoot +flame, his words burn, and his voice ring, and he himself took great +pleasure in calling to mind the various ways of his ladies, naming +them to Madame d'Hocquetonville, and even revealing to her the tricks, +caresses, and amorous ways of Queen Isabella, and he made use of +expression so gracious and so ardently inciting, that, fancying it +caused the lady to relax her hold upon the stiletto a little, he made +as if to approach her. But she, ashamed to be found buried in thought, +gazed proudly at the diabolical leviathan who tempted her, and said to +him, "Fine sir, I thank you. You have caused me to love my husband all +the more, for from your discourse I learn how much he esteems me by +holding me in such respect that he does not dishonour his couch with +the tricks of street-walkers and bad women. I should think myself +forever disgraced, and should be contaminated to all eternity if I put +my foot in these sloughs where go these shameless hussies. A man's +wife is one thing, and his mistress another." + +"I will wager," said the duke, smiling, "that, nevertheless, for the +future you spur the Sire d'Hocquetonville to a little sharper pace." + +At this the good woman trembled, and cried, "You are a wicked man. Now +I both despise and abominate you! What! unable to rob me of my honour, +you attempt to poison my mind! Ah, my lord, this night's work will +cost you dear-- + + "If I forget it, a yet, + God will not forget. + +"Are not those of verse is yours?" + +"Madame," said the duke, turning pale with anger, "I can have you +bound--" + +"Oh no! I can free myself," replied she, brandishing the stiletto. + +The rapscallion began to laugh. + +"Never mind," said he. "I have a means of plunging you into the +sloughs of three brazen hussies, as you call them." + +"Never, while I live." + +"Head and heels you shall go in--with your two feet, two hands, two +ivory breasts, and two other things, white as snow--your teeth, your +hair, and everything. You will go of your own accord; you shall enter +into it lasciviously, and in a way to crush your cavalier, as a wild +horse does its rider--stamping, leaping, and snorting. I swear it by +Saint Castud!" + +Instantly he whistled for one of his pages. And when the page came, he +secretly ordered him to go and seek the Sire d'Hocquetonville, +Savoisy, Tanneguy, Cypierre, and other members of his band, asking +them to these rooms to supper, not without at the same time inviting +to meet his guests a pretty petticoat or two. + +Then he came and sat down in his chair again, ten paces from the lady, +off whom he had not taken his eye while giving his commands to the +page in a whisper. + +"Raoul is jealous," said he. "Now let me give you a word of advice. In +this place," he added, pointing to a secret door, "are the oils and +superfine perfumes of the queen; in this other little closet she +performs her ablutions and little feminine offices. I know by much +experience that each one of you gentle creatures has her own special +perfume, by which she is smelt and recognised. So if, as you say, +Raoul is overwhelmingly jealous with the worst of all jealousies, you +will use these fast hussies' scents, because your danger approaches +fast." + +"Ah, my lord, what do you intend to do?" + +"You will know when it is necessary that you should know. I wish you +no harm, and pledge you my honour, as a loyal knight, that I will +almost thoroughly respect you, and be forever silent concerning my +discomfiture. In short, you will know that the Duc d'Orleans has a +good heart, and revenges himself nobly on ladies who treat him with +disdain, by placing in their hands the key of Paradise. Only keep your +ears open to the joyous words that will be handed from mouth to mouth +in the next room, and cough not if you love your children." + +Since there was no egress from the royal chamber, and the bars +crossing hardly left room to put one's head through, the good prince +closed the door of the room, certain of keeping the lady a safe +prisoner there, and again impressed upon her the necessity of silence. +Then came the merry blades in great haste, and found a good and +substantial supper smiling at them from the silver plates upon the +table, and the table well arranged and well lighted, loaded with fine +silver cups, and cups full of royal wine. Then said their master to +them-- + +"Come! Come! to your places my good friends. I was becoming very +weary. Thinking of you, I wished to arrange with you a merry feast +after the ancient method, when the Greeks and Romans said their Pater +noster to Master Priapus, and the learned god called in all countries +Bacchus. The feast will be proper and a right hearty one, since at our +libation there will be present some pretty crows with three beaks, of +which I know from great experience the best one to kiss." + +Then all of them recognising their master in all things, took pleasure +in this discourse, except Raoul d'Hocquetonville, who advanced and +said to the prince-- + +"My lord, I will aid you willingly in any battle but that of the +petticoats, in that of spear and axe, but not of the wine flasks. My +good companions here present have not wives at home, it is otherwise +with me. I have a sweet wife, to whom I owe my company, and an account +of all my deeds and actions." + +"Then, since I am a married man I am to blame?" said the duke. + +"Ah! my dear master, you are a prince, and can do as you please." + +These brave speeches made, as you can imagine, the heart of the lady +prisoner hot and cold. + +"Ah! my Raoul," thought she, "thou art a noble man!" + +"You are," said the duke, "a man whom I love, and consider more +faithful and praiseworthy than any of my people. The others," said he, +looking at the three lords, "are wicked men. But, Raoul," he +continued, "sit thee down. When the linnets come--they are linnets of +high degree--you can make your way home. S'death! I had treated thee +as a virtuous man, ignorant of the extra-conjugal joys of love, and +had carefully put for thee in that room the queen of raptures--a fair +demon, in whom is concentrated all feminine inventions. I wished that +once in thy life thou, who has never tasted the essence of love, and +dreamed but of war, should know the secret marvels of the gallant +amusement, since it is shameful that one of my followers should serve +a fair lady badly." + +Thereupon the Sire d'Hocquetonville sat down to a table in order to +please his prince as far as he could lawfully do so. Then they all +commenced to laugh, joke, and talk about the ladies; and according to +their custom, they related to each other their good fortunes and their +love adventures, sparing no woman except the queen of the house, and +betraying the little habits of each one, to which followed horrible +little confidences, which increased in treachery and lechery as the +contents of the goblets grew less. The duke, gay as a universal +legatee, drew the guests out, telling lies himself to learn the truth +from them; and his companions ate at a trot, drank at a full gallop, +and their tongues rattled away faster than either. + +Now, listening to them, and heating his brain with wine, the Sire +d'Hocquetonville unharnessed himself little by little from the +reluctance. In spite of his virtues, he indulged certain desires, and +became soaked in these impurities like a saint who defiles himself +while saying his prayers. Perceiving which, the prince, on the alert +to satisfy his ire and his bile, began to say to him, joking him-- + +"By Saint Castud, Raoul, we are all tarred with the same brush, all +discreet away from here. Go; we will say nothing to Madame. By heaven! +man, I wish thee to taste of the joys of paradise. There," said he, +tapping the door of the room in which was Madame d'Hocquetonville, "in +there is a lady of the court and a friend of the queen, but the +greatest priestess of Venus that ever was, and her equal is not to be +found in any courtesan, harlot, dancer, doxy, or hussy. She was +engendered at a moment when paradise was radiant with joy, when nature +was procreating, when the planets were whispering vows of love, when +the beasts were frisking and capering, and everything was aglow with +desire. Although the women make an altar of her bed, she is +nevertheless too great a lady to allow herself to be seen, and too +well known to utter any words but the sounds of love. No light will +you need, for her eyes flash fire, and attempt no conversation, since +she speaks only with movements and twistings more rapid than those of +a deer surprised in the forest. Only, my dear Raoul, but so merry a +nag look to your stirrups, sit light in the saddle, since with one +plunge she would hurl thee to the ceiling, if you are not careful. She +burns always, and is always longing for male society. Our poor dead +friend, the young Sire de Giac, met his death through her; she drained +his marrow in one springtime. God's truth! to know such bliss as that +of which she rings the bells and lights the fires, what man would not +forfeit a third of his future happiness? and he who has known her once +would for a second night forfeit without regret eternity." + +"But," said Raoul, "in things which should be so much alike, how is it +that there is so great a difference?" + +"Ha! Ha! Ha!" + +Thereupon the company burst out laughing, and animated by the wine and +a wink from their master, they all commenced relating droll and quaint +conceits, laughing, shouting, and making a great noise. Now, knowing +not that an innocent scholar was there, these jokers, who had drowned +their sense of shame in the wine-cups, said things to make the figures +on the mantel shake, the walls and the ceilings blush; and the duke +surpassed them all, saying, that the lady who was in bed in the next +room awaiting a gallant should be the empress of these warm +imaginations, because she practised them every night. Upon this the +flagons being empty, the duke pushed Raoul, who let himself be pushed +willingly, into the room, and by this means the prince compelled the +lady to deliberate by which dagger she would live or die. At midnight +the Sire d'Hocquetonville came out gleefully, not without remorse at +having been false to his good wife. Then the Duc d'Orleans led Madame +d'Hocquetonville out by a garden door, so that she gained her +residence before her husband arrived here. + +"This," said she, in the prince's ear, as she passed the postern, +"will cost us all dear." + +One year afterwards, in the old Rue du Temple, Raoul d'Hocquetonville, +who had quitted the service of the Duke for that of Jehan of Burgundy, +gave the king's brother a blow on the head with a club, and killed +him, as everyone knows. In the same year died the Lady +d'Hocquetonville, having faded like a flower deprived of air and eaten +by a worm. Her good husband had engraved upon her marble tomb, which +is in one of the cloisters of Peronne, the following inscription-- + +HERE LIES +BERTHA DE BOURGONGE +THE NOBLE AND COMELY WIFE +OF +RAOUL, SIRE DE HOCQUETONVILLE. + +ALAS! PRAY NOT FOR HER SOUL +SHE +BLOSSOMED AGAIN IN PARADISE +THE ELEVENTH DAY OF JANUARY +IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD MCCCCVIII., +IN THE TWENTY-THIRD YEAR OF HER AGE, +LEAVING TWO SONS AND HER LORD SPOUSE +INCONSOLABLE. + +This epitaph was written in elegant Latin, but for the convenience of +all it was necessary to translate it, although the word comely is +feeble beside that of formosa, which signifies beautiful in shape. The +Duke of Burgundy, called the Fearless, in whom previous to his death +the Sire d'Hocquetonville confided the troubles cemented with lime and +sand in his heart, used to say, in spite of his hardheartedness in +these matters, that this epitaph plunged him into a state of +melancholy for a month, and that among all the abominations of his +cousin of Orleans, there was one for which he would kill him over +again if the deed had not already been done, because this wicked man +had villianously defaced with vice the most divine virtue in the world +and had prostituted two noble hearts, the one by the other. When +saying this he would think of the lady of Hocquetonville and of his +own, which portrait had been unwarrantably placed in the cabinet where +his cousin placed the likeness of his wenches. + +The adventure was so extremely shocking, that when it was related by +the Count de Charolois to the Dauphin, afterwards Louis XI., the +latter would not allow his secretaries to publish it in his +collection, out of respect for his great uncle the Duke d'Orleans, and +for Dunois his old comrade, the son of the same. But the person of the +lady of Hocquetonville is so sublimely virtuous, so exquisitely +melancholy, that in her favour the present publication of this +narrative will be forgiven, in spite of the diabolical invention and +vengeance of Monseigneur d'Orleans. The just death of this rascal +nevertheless caused many serious rebellions, which finally Louis XI., +losing all patience, put down with fire and sword. + +This shows us that there is a woman at the bottom of everything, in +France as elsewhere, and that sooner or later we must pay for our +follies. + + + +THE DANGER OF BEING TOO INNOCENT + +The Lord of Montcontour was a brave soldier of Tours, who in honour of +the battle gained by the Duke of Anjou, afterwards our right glorious +king, caused to be built at Vouvray the castle thus named, for he had +borne himself most bravely in that affair, where he overcame the +greatest of heretics, and from that was authorised to take the name. +Now this said captain had two sons, good Catholics, of whom the eldest +was in favour at court. After the peace, which was concluded before +the stratagem arranged for St Bartholomew's Day, the good man returned +to his manor, which was not ornamented as it is at the present day. +There he received the sad announcement of the death of his son, slain +in a duel by the lord of Villequier. The poor father was the more cut +up at this, as he had arranged a capital marriage for the said son +with a young lady of the male branch of Amboise. Now, by this death +most piteously inopportune, vanished all the future and advantages of +his family, of which he wished to make a great and noble house. With +this idea, he had put his other son in a monastery, under the guidance +and government of a man renowned for his holiness, who brought him up +in a Christian manner, according to the desire of his father, who +wished from high ambition to make him a cardinal of renown. For this +the good abbot kept the young man in a private house, and had to sleep +by his side in his cell, allowed no evil weeds to grow in his mind, +brought him up in purity of soul and true condition, as all priests +should be. This said clerk, when turned nineteen years, knew no other +love than the love of God, no other nature than that of the angels who +had not our carnal properties, in order that they may live in purity, +seeing that otherwise they would make good use of them. The which the +King on high, who wished to have His pages always proper, was afraid +of. He has done well, because His good little people cannot drink in +dram shops or riot in brothels as ours do. He is divinely served; but +then remember, He is Lord of all. Now in this plight the lord of +Montcontour determined to withdraw his second son from the cloister, +and invest him with the purple of the soldier and courtier, in the +place of the ecclesiastical purple; and determined to give him in +marriage to the maiden, affianced to the dead man, which was wisely +determined because wrapped round with continence and sobriety in all +ways as was the little monk, the bride would be as well used and +happier than she would have been with the elder, already well hauled +over, upset, and spoiled by the ladies of the court. The befrocked, +unfrocked, and very sheepish in his ways, followed the sacred wishes +of his father, and consented to the said marriage without knowing what +a wife, and--what is more curious--what a girl was. By chance, his +journey having been hindered by the troubles and marches of +conflicting parties, this innocent--more innocent than it is lawful +for a man to be innocent--only came to the castle of Montcontour the +evening before the wedding, which was performed with dispensations +bought in by the archbishopric of Tours. It is necessary here to +describe the bride. Her mother, long time a widow, lived in the House +of M. de Braguelongne, civil lieutenant of the Chatelet de Paris, +whose wife lived with lord of Lignieres, to the great scandal of the +period. But everyone then had so many joists in his own eye that he +had no right to notice the rafters in the eyes of others. Now, in all +families people go to perdition, without noticing their neighbours, +some at an amble, others at a gentle trot, many at a gallop, and a +small number walking, seeing that the road is all downhill. Thus in +these times the devil had many a good orgy in all things, since that +misconduct was fashionable. The poor old lady Virtue had retired +trembling, no one knew whither, but now here, now there, lived +miserably in company with honest women. + +In the most noble house Amboise there still lived the Dowager of +Chaumont, an old woman of well proved virtue, in whom had retired all +the religion and good conduct of this fine family. The said lady had +taken to her bosom, from the age of ten years, the little maiden who +is concerned in this adventure, and who had never caused Madame +Amboise the least anxiety, but left her free in her movements, and she +came to see her daughter once a year, when the court passed that way. +In spite of this high maternal reserve, Madame Amboise was invited to +her daughter's wedding, and also the lord of Braguelongne, by the good +old soldier, who knew his people. But the dear dowager came not to +Montcontour, because she could not obtain relief from her sciatica, +her cold, nor the state of her legs, which gamboled no longer. Over +this the good woman cried copiously. It hurt her much to let go into +the dangers of the court and of life this gentle maiden, as pretty as +it was possible for a pretty girl to be, but she was obliged to give +her her wings. But it was not without promising her many masses and +orisons every evening for her happiness. And comforted a little, the +good old lady began to think that the staff of her old age was passing +into the hands of a quasi-saint, brought up to do good by the above- +mentioned abbot, with whom she was acquainted, the which had aided +considerably in the prompt exchange of spouses. At length, embracing +her with tears, the virtuous dowager made those last recommendations +to her that ladies make to young brides, as that she ought to be +respectful to his mother, and obey her husband in everything. + +Then the maid arrived with a great noise, conducted by servants, +chamberlains, grooms, gentlemen, and people of the house of Chaumont, +so that you would have imagined her suite to be that of a cardinal +legate. So arrived the two spouses the evening before marriage. Then, +the feasting over, they were married with great pomp on the Lord's +Day, a mass being said at the castle by the Bishop of Blois, who was a +great friend of the lord of Montcontour; in short, the feasting, the +dancing, and the festivities of all sorts lasted till the morning. But +on the stroke of midnight the bridesmaids went to put the bride to +bed, according to the custom of Touraine; and during this time they +kept quarrelling with the innocent husband, to prevent him going to +this innocent wife, who sided with them from ignorance. However, the +good lord of Montcontour interrupted the jokers and the wits, because +it was necessary that his son should occupy himself in well-doing. +Then went the innocent into the chamber of his wife, whom he thought +more beautiful than the Virgin Mary painted in Italian, Flemish, and +other pictures, at whose feet he had said his prayers. But you may be +sure he felt very much embarrassed at having so soon become a husband, +because he knew nothing of his business, and saw that certain forms +had to be gone through concerning which from great and modest reserve, +he had no time to question even his father, who had said sharply to +him-- + +"You know what you have to do; be valiant therein." + +Then he saw the gentle girl who was given him, comfortably tucked up +in the bedclothes, terribly curious, her head buried under, but +hazarding a glance as at the point of a halberd, and saying to +herself-- + +"I must obey him." + +And knowing nothing, she awaited the will of this slightly +ecclesiastical gentleman, to whom, in fact, she belonged. Seeing +which, the Chevalier de Montcontour came close to the bed, scratched +his ear, and knelt down, a thing in which he was expert. + +"Have you said your prayers?" said he. + +"No," said she; "I have forgotten them. Do wish me to say them?" + +Then the young couple commenced the business of a housekeeping by +imploring God, which was not at all out of place. But unfortunately +the devil heard, and at once replied to their requests, God being much +occupied at that time with the new and abominable reformed religion. + +"What did they tell you to do?" said the husband. + +"To love you," said she, in perfect innocence. + +"This has not been told to me; but I love you, I am ashamed to say, +better than I love God." + +This speech did not alarm the bride. + +"I should like," said the husband, "to repose myself in your bed, if +it will not disturb you." + +"I will make room for you willingly because I am to submit myself to +you." + +"Well," said he, "don't look at me again. I'm going to take my clothes +off, and come." + +At this virtuous speech, the young damsel turned herself towards the +wall in great expectation, seeing that it was for the very first time +that she was about to find herself separated from a man by the +confines of a shirt only. Then came the innocent, gliding into bed, +and thus they found themselves, so to speak, united, but far from what +you can imagine what. Did you ever see a monkey brought from across +the seas, who for the first time is given a nut to crack? This ape, +knowing by high apish imagination how delicious is the food hidden +under the shell, sniffs and twists himself about in a thousand apish +ways, saying, I know not what, between his chattering jaws. Ah! with +what affection he studies it, with what study he examines it, in what +examination he holds it, then throws it, rolls and tosses it about +with passion, and often, when it is an ape of low extraction and +intelligence, leaves the nut. As much did the poor innocent who, +towards the dawn, was obliged to confess to his dear wife that, not +knowing how to perform his office, or what that office was, or where +to obtain the said office, it would be necessary for him to inquire +concerning it, and have help and aid. + +"Yes," said she; "since, unhappily, I cannot instruct you." + +In fact, in spite of their efforts, essay of all kinds--in spite of a +thousand things which the innocents invent, and which the wise in +matters of love know nothing about--the pair dropped off to sleep, +wretched at having been unable to discover the secret of marriage. But +they wisely agreed to say that they had done so. When the wife got up, +still a maiden, seeing that she had not been crowned, she boasted of +her night, and said she had the king of husbands, and went on with her +chattering and repartee as briskly as those who know nothing of these +things. Then everyone found the maiden a little too sharp, since for a +two-edged joke a lady of Roche-Corbon having incited a young maiden, +de la Bourdaisiere, who knew nothing of such things, to ask the +bride-- + +"How many loaves did your husband put in the oven?" + +"Twenty-four," she replied. + +Now, as the bridegroom was roaming sadly about, thereby distressing +his wife, who followed him with her eyes, hoping to see his state of +innocence come to an end, the ladies believed that the joy of that +night had cost him dear, and that the said bride was already +regretting having so quickly ruined him. And at breakfast came the bad +jokes, which at that time were relished as excellent, one said that +the bride had an open expression; another, that there had been some +good strokes of business done that night in the castle; this one, that +the oven had been burned; that one that the two families have lost +something that night that they would never find again. And a thousand +other jokes, stupidities, and double meanings that, unfortunately the +husband did not understand. But on account of the great affluence of +the relations, neighbours, and others, no one had been to bed; all had +danced, rollicked, and frolicked, as is the custom at noble weddings. + +At this was quite contented my said Sieur de Braguelongne, upon whom +my lady of Amboise, excited by the thought of the good things which +were happening to her daughter, cast the glances of a falcon in +matters of gallant assignation. The poor Lieutenant civil, learned in +bailiffs' men and sergeants, and who nabbed all the pickpockets and +scamps of Paris, pretended not to see his good fortune, although his +good lady required him to do. You may be sure this great lady's love +weighed heavily upon him, so he only kept to her from a spirit of +justice, because it was not seeming in a lieutenant judiciary to +change his mistresses as often as a man at court, because he had under +his charge morals, the police and religion. This not withstanding his +rebellion must come to an end. On the day after the wedding a great +number of the guests departed; then Madame d'Amboise and Monsieur de +Braguelongne could go to bed, their guests having decamped. Sitting +down to supper, the lieutenant received a half-verbal summons to which +it was not becoming, as in legal matters, to oppose any reasons for +delay. + +During supper the said lady d'Amboise made more than a hundred little +signs in order to draw the good Braguelongne from the room where he +was with the bride, but out came instead of the lieutenant the +husband, to walk about in company with the mother of his sweet wife. +Now, in the mind of this innocent there had sprung up like a mushroom +an expedient--namely, to interrogate this good lady, whom he +considered discreet, for remembering the religious precepts of his +abbot, who had told him to inquire concerning all things of old people +expert in the ways of life, he thought of confiding his case to the +said lady d'Amboise. But he made first awkwardly and shyly certain +twists and turns, finding no terms in which to unfold his case. And +the lady was also perfectly silent, since she was outrageously struck +with the blindness, deafness and voluntary paralysis of the lord of +Braguelongne; and said to herself, walking by the side of this +delicate morsel, a young innocent of whom she did not think, little +imagining that this cat so well provided with young bacon could think +of old-- + +"This Ho, Ho, with a beard of flies' legs, a flimsy, old, grey, +ruined, shaggy beard--beard without comprehension, beard without +shame, without any feminine respect--beard which pretends neither to +feel nor to hear, nor to see, a pared away beard, a beaten down, +disordered, gutted beard. May the Italian sickness deliver me from +this vile joker with a squashed nose, fiery nose, frozen nose, nose +without religion, nose dry as a lute table, pale nose, nose without a +soul, nose which is nothing but a shadow; nose which sees not, nose +wrinkled like the leaf of a vine; nose that I hate, old nose, nose +full of mud--dead nose. Where had my eyes been to attach myself to +truffle nose, to this old hulk that no longer knows his way? I give my +share to the devil of this juiceless beard, of this grey beard, of +this monkey face, of these old tatters, of this old rag of a man, of +this--I know not what; and I'll take a young husband who'll marry me +properly, and . . . and often--every day--and well--" + +In this wise train of thought was she when the innocent began his +anthem to this woman, so warmly excited, who at the first paraphrase +took fire in her understanding, like a piece of old touchwood from the +carbine of a soldier; and finding it wise to try her son-in-law, said +to herself-- + +"Ah! young beard, sweet scented! Ah! pretty new nose--fresh beard-- +innocent nose--virgin appeared--nose full of joy it--beard of +springtime, small key of love!" + +She kept on talking the round of the garden, which was long, and then +arranged with the Innocent that, night come, he should sally forth +from his room and get into hers, where she engaged to render him more +learned than ever was his father. And the husband was well content, +and thanked Madame d'Amboise, begging her to say nothing of this +arrangement. + +During this time the good old Braguelongne had been growling and +saying to himself, "Old ha, ha! old ho, ho! May the plague take thee! +may a cancer eat thee!--worthless old currycomb! old slipper, too big +for the foot! old arquebus! ten year old codfish! old spider that +spins no more! old death with open eyes! old devil's cradle! vile +lantern of an old town-crier too! Old wretch whose look kills! old +moustache of an old theriacler! old wretch to make dead men weep! old +organ-pedal! old sheath with a hundred knives! old church porch, worn +out by the knees! old poor-box in which everyone has dropped. I'll +give all my future to be quit of thee!" As he finished these gentle +thoughts the pretty bride, who was thinking of her young husband's +great sorrow at not knowing the particulars of that essential item of +marriage, and not having the slightest idea what it was, thought to +save him much tribulation, shame, and labour by instructing herself. +And she counted upon much astonishing and rejoicing him the next night +when she should say to him, teaching him his duty, "That's the thing +my love!" Brought up in great respect of old people by her dear +dowager, she thought of inquiring of this good man in her sweetest +manner to distil for her the sweet mysteries of the commerce. Now, the +lord of Braguelongne, ashamed of being lost in sad contemplation of +this evening's work, and of saying nothing to his gay companion, put +this summary interrogation to the fair bride--"If she was not happy +with so good a young husband--" + +"He is very good," said she. + +"Too good, perhaps," said the lieutenant smiling. + +To be brief, matters were so well arranged between them that the Lord +engaged to spare no pains to enlighten the understanding of Madame +d'Amboise's daughter-in-law, who promised to come and study her lesson +in his room. The said lady d'Amboise pretended after supper to play +terrible music in a high key to Monsieur Braguelongne saying that he +had no gratitude for the blessings she had brought him--her position, +her wealth, her fidelity, etc. In fact, she talked for half an hour +without having exhausted a quarter of her ire. From this a hundred +knives were drawn between them, but they kept the sheaths. Meanwhile +the spouses in bed were arranging to themselves how to get away, in +order to please each other. Then the innocent began to say he fell +quite giddy, he knew not from what, and wanted to go into the open +air. And his maiden wife told him to take a stroll in the moonlight. +And then the good fellow began to pity his wife in being left alone a +moment. At her desire, both of them at different times left their +conjugal couch and came to their preceptors, both very impatient, as +you can well believe; and good instruction was given to them. How? I +cannot say, because everyone has his own method and practice, and of +all sciences this is the most variable in principle. You may be sure +that never did scholars receive more gayly the precepts of any +language, grammar, or lessons whatsoever. And the two spouses returned +to their nest, delighted at being able to communicate to each other +the discoveries of their scientific peregrinations. + +"Ah, my dear," said the bride, "you already know more than my master." + +From these curious tests came their domestic joy and perfect fidelity; +because immediately after their entry into the married state they +found out how much better each of them was adapted for love than +anyone else, their masters included. Thus for the remainder of their +days they kept to the legitimate substance of their own persons; and +the lord of Montcontour said in old age to his friends-- + +"Do like me, be cuckolds in the blade, and not in the sheath." + +Which is the true morality of the conjugal condition. + + + +THE DEAR NIGHT OF LOVE + +In that winter when commenced that first taking up of arms by those of +the religion, which was called the Riot of Amboise, an advocate, named +Avenelles, lent his house, situated in the Rue des Marmousets for the +interviews and conventions of the Huguenots, being one of them, +without knowing, however, that the Prince of Conde, La Regnaudie, and +others, intended to carry off the king. + +The said Avenelles wore a nasty red beard, as shiny as a stick of +liquorice, and was devilishly pale, as are all the rogues who take +refuge in the darkness of the law; in short, the most evil-minded +advocate that has ever lived, laughing at the gallows, selling +everybody, and a true Judas. According to certain authors of a great +experience in subtle rogues he was in this affair, half knave, half +fool, as it is abundantly proved by this narrative. This procureur had +married a very lovely lady of Paris, of whom he was jealous enough to +kill her for a pleat in the sheets, for which she could not account, +which would have been wrong, because honest creases are often met +with. But she folded her clothes very well, so there's the end of the +matter. Be assured that, knowing the murderous and evil nature of this +man, his wife was faithful enough to him, always ready, like a +candlestick, arranged for her duty like a chest which never moves, and +opens to order. Nevertheless, the advocate had placed her under the +guardianship and pursuing eye of an old servant, a duenna as ugly as a +pot without a handle, who had brought up the Sieur Avenelles, and was +very fond of him. His poor wife, for all pleasure in her cold domestic +life, used to go to the Church of St. Jehan, on the Place de Greve, +where, as everyone knows, the fashionable world was accustomed to +meet; and while saying her paternosters to God she feasted her eyes +upon all these gallants, curled, adorned, and starched, young, comely, +and flitting about like true butterflies, and finished by picking out +from among the lot a good gentleman, lover of the queen-mother, and a +handsome Italian, with whom she was smitten because he was in the May +of his age, nobly dressed, a graceful mover, brave in mien, and was +all that a lover should be to bestow a heart full of love upon an +honest married woman too tightly squeezed by the bonds of matrimony, +which torment her, and always excite her to unharness herself from the +conjugal yoke. And you can imagine that the young gentleman grew to +admire Madame, whose silent love spoke secretly to him, without either +the devil or themselves knowing how. Both one and the other had their +correspondence of love. At first, the advocate's wife adorned herself +only to come to church, and always came in some new sumptuosity; and +instead of thinking of God, she made God angry by thinking of her +handsome gentleman, and leaving her prayers, she gave herself up to +the fire which consumed her heart, and moistened her eyes, her lips, +and everything, seeing that this fire always dissolves itself in +water; and often said to herself: "Ha! I would give my life for a +single embrace with this pretty lover who loves me." Often, too, in +place of saying her litanies to Madame the Virgin, she thought in her +heart: "To feel the glorious youth of this gentle lover, to have the +full joys of love, to taste all in one moment, little should I mind +the flames into which the heretics are thrown." Then the gentleman +gazing at the charms of this good wife, and her burning blushes when +he glanced at her, came always close to her stool, and addressed to +her those requests which the ladies understand so well. Then he said +aside to himself: "By the double horn on my father, I swear to have +the woman, though it cost me my life." + +And when the duenna turned her head, the two lovers squeezed, pressed, +breathed, ate, devoured, and kissed each other by a look which would +have set light to the match of a musketeer, if the musketeer had been +there. It was certain that a love so far advanced in the heart should +have an end. The gentleman dressed as a scholar of Montaign, began to +regale the clerks of the said Avenelles, and to joke in the company, +in order to learn the habits of the husband, his hours of absence, his +journeys, and everything, watching for an opportunity to stick his +horns on. And this was how, to his injury, the opportunity occurred. +The advocate, obliged to follow the course of this conspiracy, and, in +case of failure, intending to revenge himself upon the Guises, +determined to go to Blois, where the court then was in great danger of +being carried off. Knowing this, the gentleman came first to the town +of Blois, and there arranged a master-trap, into which the Sieur +Avenelles should fall, in spite of his cunning, and not come out until +steeped in a crimson cuckoldom. The said Italian, intoxicated with +love, called together all his pages and vassals, and posted them in +such a manner that on the arrival of the advocate, his wife, and her +duenna, it was stated to them at all the hostelries at which they +wished to put up that the hostelry being full, in consequence of the +sojourn of the court, they must go elsewhere. Then the gentleman made +such an arrangement with the landlord of the Soleil Royal, that he had +the whole of the house, and occupied, without any of the usual +servants of the place remaining there. For greater security, my lord +sent the said master and his people into the country, and put his own +in their places, so that the advocate should know nothing of this +arrangement. Behold my good gentleman who lodges his friends to come +to the court in the hostelry, and for himself keeps a room situated +above those in which he intends to put his lovely mistress, her +advocate, and the duenna, not without first having cut a trap in the +boards. And his steward being charged to play the part of the +innkeeper, his pages dressed like guests, and his female servants like +servants of the inn, he waited for spies to convey to him the dramatis +personae of this farce--viz., wife, husband, and duenna, none of whom +failed to come. Seeing the immense wealth of the great lords, +merchants, warriors, members of the service, and others, brought by +the sojourn of the young king, of two queens, the Guises, and all the +court, no one had a right to be astonished or to talk of the roguish +trap, or of the confusion come to the Soleil Royal. Behold now the +Sieur Avenelles, on his arrival, bundled about, he, his wife and the +duenna from inn to inn, and thinking themselves very fortunate in +being received at the Soleil Royal, where the gallant was getting +warm, and love was burning. The advocate, being lodged, the lover +walked about the courtyard, watching and waiting for a glance from the +lady; and he did not have to wait very long, since the fair Avenelles, +looking soon into the court, after the custom of the ladies, there +recognised not without great throbbing of the heart, her gallant and +well-beloved gentleman. At that she was very happy; and if by a lucky +chance both had been alone together for an ounce of time, that good +gentleman would not have had to wait for his good fortune, so burning +was she from head to foot. + +"How warm it is in the rays of this lord," said she, meaning to say +sun, since it was then shining fiercely. + +Hearing this, the advocate sprang to the window, and beheld my +gentleman. + +"Ha! you want lords, my dear, do you?" said the advocate, dragging her +by the arm, and throwing her like one of his bags on to the bed. +"Remember that if I have a pencase at my side instead of a sword, I +have a penknife in this pencase, and that penknife will go into your +heart on the least suspicion of conjugal impropriety. I believe I have +seen that gentleman somewhere." + +The advocate was so terribly spiteful that the lady rose, and said to +him-- + +"Well, kill me. I am not afraid of deceiving you. Never touch me +again, after having thus menaced me. And from to-day I shall never +think of sleeping save with a lover more gentle than you are." + +"There, there, my little one!" said the advocate, surprised. "We have +gone a little too far. Kiss me, chick-a-biddy, and forgive me." + +"I will neither kiss nor pardon you," said she "You are a wretch!" + +Avenelles, enraged, wished to take by force that which his wife denied +him, and from this resulted a combat, from which the husband emerged +clawed all over. But the worst of it was, that the advocate, covered +with scratches, being expected by the conspirators, who were holding a +council, was obliged to quit his good wife, leaving her to the care of +the old woman. + +The knave having departed, the gentleman putting one of his servants +to keep watch at the corner of the street, mounts to his blessed trap, +lifts it noiselessly, and calls the lady by a gentle psit! psit! which +was understood by the heart, which generally understands everything. +The lady lifts her head, and sees her pretty lover four flea jumps +above her. Upon a sign, she takes hold of two cords of black silk, to +which were attached loops, through which she passes her arms, and in +the twinkling of an eye is translated by two pulleys from her bed +through the ceiling into the room above, and the trap closing as it +has opened, left the old duenna in a state of great flabbergastation, +when, turning her head, she neither saw robe nor woman, and perceived +that the women had been robbed. How? by whom? in what way? where?-- +Presto! Foro! Magico! As much knew the alchemists at their furnaces +reading Herr Trippa. Only the old woman knew well the crucible, and +the great work--the one was cuckoldom, and the other the private +property of Madame Advocate. She remained dumbfounded, watching for +the Sieur Avenelles--as well say death, for in his rage he would +attack everything, and the poor duenna could not run away, because +with great prudence the jealous man had taken the keys with him. At +first sight, Madame Avenelles found a dainty supper, a good fire in +the grate, but a better in the heart of her lover, who seized her, and +kissed her, with tears of joy, on the eyes first of all, to thank them +for their sweet glances during devotion at the church of St Jehan en +Greve. Nor did the glowing better half of the lawyer refuse her little +mouth to his love, but allowed herself to be properly pressed, adored, +caressed, delighting to be properly pressed, admirably adored, and +calorously caressed after the manner of eager lovers. And both agreed +to be all in all to each other the whole night long, no matter what +the result might be, she counting the future as a fig in comparison +with the joys of this night, he relying upon his cunning and his sword +to obtain many another. In short, both of them caring little for life, +because at one stroke they consummated a thousand lives, enjoyed with +each other a thousand delights, giving to each other the double of +their own--believing, he and she, that they were falling into an +abyss, and wishing to roll there closely clasped, hurling all the love +of their souls with rage in one throw. Therein they loved each other +well. Thus they knew not love, the poor citizens, who live +mechanically with their good wives, since they know not the fierce +beating of the heart, the hot gush of life, and the vigorous clasp as +of two young lovers, closely united and glowing with passion, who +embrace in face of the danger of death. Now the youthful lady and the +gentleman ate little supper, but retired early to rest. Let us leave +them there, since no words, except those of paradise unknown to us, +would describe their delightful agonies, and agonising delights. +Meanwhile, the husband, so well cuckolded that all memory of marriage +had been swept away by love,--the said Avenelles found himself in a +great fix. To the council of the Huguenots came the Prince of Conde, +accompanied by all the chiefs and bigwigs, and there it was resolved +to carry off the queen-mother, the Guises, the young king, the young +queen, and to change the government. This becoming serious, the +advocate seeing his head at stake, did not feel the ornaments being +planted there, and ran to divulge the conspiracy to the cardinal of +Lorraine, who took the rogue to the duke, his brother, and all three +held a consultation, making fine promises to the Sieur Avenelles, whom +with the greatest difficulty they allowed, towards midnight, to +depart, at which hour he issued secretly from the castle. At this +moment the pages of the gentleman and all his people were having a +right jovial supper in honour of the fortuitous wedding of their +master. Now, arriving at the height of the festivities, in the middle +of the intoxication and joyous huzzahs, he was assailed with jeers, +jokes, and laughter that turned him sick when he came into his room. +The poor servant wished to speak, but the advocate promptly planted a +blow in her stomach, and by a gesture commanded her to be silent. Then +he felt in his valise, and took therefrom a good poniard. While he was +opening and shutting it, a frank, naive, joyous, amorous, pretty, +celestial roar of laughter, followed by certain words of easy +comprehension, came down through the trap. The cunning advocate, +blowing out his candle, saw through the cracks in the boards caused by +the shrinking of the door a light, which vaguely explained the mystery +to him, for he recognised the voice of his wife, and that of the +combatant. The husband took the duenna by the arm, and went softly at +the stairs searching for the door of the chamber in which were the +lovers, and did not fail to find it. Fancy! that like a horrid, rude +advocate, he burst open the door, and with one spring was on the bed, +in which he surprised his wife, half dressed, in the arms of the +gentleman. + +"Ah!" said she. + +The lover having avoided the blow, tried to snatch the poniard from +the hands of the knave, who held it firmly. + +Now, in this struggle of life and death, the husband finding himself +hindered by his lieutenant, who clutched him tightly with his fingers +of iron, and bitten by his wife, who tore away at him with a will, +gnawing him as a dog gnaws a bone, he thought instantly of a better +way to gratify his rage. Then the devil, newly horned, maliciously +ordered, in his patois, the servants to tie the lovers with the silken +cords of the trap, and throwing the poniard away, he helped the duenna +to make them fast. And the thing thus done in a moment, he rammed some +linen into their mouths to stop their cries, and ran to his good +poniard without saying a word. At this moment there entered several +officers of the Duke of Guise, whom during the struggle no one had +heard turning the house upside down, looking for the Sieur Avenelles. +These soldiers, suddenly warned by the cries of the pages of the lord, +bound, gagged and half killed, threw themselves between the man with +the poniard and the lovers, disarmed him, and accomplished their +mission by arresting him, and marching him off to the castle prison, +he, his wife, and the duenna. At the same time the people of the +Guises, recognising one of their master's friends, with whom at this +moment the queen was most anxious to consult, and whom they were +enjoined to summon to the council, invited him to come with them. Then +the gentleman soon untied, dressing himself, said aside to the chief +of the escort, that on his account, for the love for him, he should be +careful to keep the husband away from his wife, promising him his +favour, good advancement, and even a few deniers, if he were careful +to obey him on this point. And for greater surety he explained to him +the why and the wherefore of the affair, adding that if the husband +found himself within reach of this fair lady he would give her for +certain a blow in the belly from which she would never recover. +Finally he ordered him to place the lady in the jail of the castle, in +a pleasant place level with gardens, and the advocate in a safe +dungeon, not without chaining him hand and foot. The which the said +office promised, and arranged matters according to the wish of the +gentleman, who accompanied the lady as far as the courtyard of the +castle, assuring her that this business would make her a widow, and +that he would perhaps espouse her in legitimate marriage. In fact, the +Sieur Avenelles was thrown into a damp dungeon, without air, and his +pretty wife placed in a room above him, out of consideration for her +lover, who was the Sieur Scipion Sardini, a noble of Lucca, +exceedingly rich, and, as has been before stated, a friend of Queen +Catherine de Medici, who at that time did everything in concert with +the Guises. Then he went up quickly to the queen's apartments, where a +great secret council was then being held, and there the Italian +learned what was going on, and the danger of the court. Monseigneur +Sardini found the privy counsellors much embarrassed and surprised at +this dilemma, but he made them all agree, telling them to turn it to +their own advantage; and to his advice was due the clever idea of +lodging the king in the castle of Amboise, in order to catch the +heretics there like foxes in a bag, and there to slay them all. +Indeed, everyone knows how the queen-mother and Guises dissimulated, +and how the Riot of Amboise terminated. This is not, however, the +subject of the present narrative. When in the morning everyone had +quitted the chamber of the queen-mother, where everything had been +arranged, Monseigneur Sardini, in no way oblivious of his love for the +fair Avenelles, although he was at the time deeply smitten with the +lovely Limeuil, a girl belonging to the queen-mother, and her relation +by the house of La Tour de Turenne, asked why the good Judas had been +caged. Then the Cardinal of Lorraine told him his intention was not in +any way to harm the rogue, but that fearing his repentance, and for +greater security of his silence until the end of the affair, he put +him out of the way, and would liberate him at the proper time. + +"Liberate him!" said the Luccanese. "Never! Put him in a sack, and +throw the old black gown into the Loire. In the first place I know +him; he is not the man to forgive you his imprisonment, and will +return to the Protestant Church. Thus this will be a work pleasant to +God, to rid him of a heretic. Then no one will know your secrets, and +not one of his adherents will think of asking you what has become of +him, because he is a traitor. Let me procure the escape of his wife +and arrange the rest; I will take it off your hands." + +"Ha, ha!" said the cardinal; "you give good council. Now I will, +before distilling your advice, have them both more securely guarded. +Hi, there!" + +Came an officer of police, who was ordered to let no person whoever he +might be, communicate with the two prisoners. Then the cardinal begged +Sardini to say at his hotel that the said advocate had departed from +Blois to return to his causes in Paris. The men charged with the +arrest of the advocate had received a verbal order to treat him as a +man of importance, so they neither stripped nor robbed him. Now the +advocate had kept thirty gold crowns in his purse, and resolved to +lose them all to assure his vengeance, and proved by good arguments to +the jailers that it was allowable for him to see his wife, on whom he +doted, and whose legitimate embrace he desired. Monseigneur Sardini, +fearing for his mistress the danger of the proximity of this red +learned rogue, and for her having great fear of certain evils, +determined to carry her off in the night, and put her in a place of +safety. Then he hired some boatmen and also their boat, placing them +near the bridge, and ordered three of his most active servants to file +the bars of the cell, seize the lady, and conduct her to the wall of +the gardens where he would await her. + +These preparations being made, and good files bought, he obtained an +interview in the morning with the queen-mother, whose apartments were +situated above the stronghold in which lay the said advocate and his +wife, believing that the queen would willingly lend herself to this +flight. Presently he was received by her, and begged her not to think +it wrong that, at the instigation of the cardinal and of the Duke of +Guise, he should deliver this lady; and besides this, urged her very +strongly to tell the cardinal to throw the man into the water. To +which the queen said "Amen." Then the lover sent quickly to his lady a +letter in a plate of cucumbers, to advise her of her approaching +widowhood, and the hour of flight, with all of which was the fair +citizen well content. Then at dusk the soldiers of the watch being got +out of the way by the queen, who sent them to look at a ray of the +moon, which frightened her, behold the servants raised the grating, +and caught the lady, who came quickly enough, and was led through the +house to Monseigneur Sardini. + +But the postern closed, and the Italian outside with the lady, behold +the lady throw aside her mantle, see the lady change into an advocate, +and see my said advocate seize his cuckolder by the collar, and half +strangle him, dragging him towards the water to throw him to the +bottom of the Loire; and Sardini began to defend himself, to shout, +and to struggle, without being able, in spite of his dagger, to shake +off this devil in long robes. Then he was quiet, falling into a slough +under the feet of the advocate, whom he recognised through the mists +of this diabolical combat, and by the light of the moon, his face +splashed with the blood of his wife. The enraged advocate quitted the +Italian, believing him to be dead, and also because servants armed +with torches, came running up. But he had to jump into the boat and +push off in great haste. + +Thus poor Madame Avenelles died alone, since Monseigneur Sardini, +badly strangled, was found, and revived from this murder; and later, +as everyone knows, married the fair Limeuil after this sweet girl had +been brought to bed in the queen's cabinet--a great scandal, which +from friendship the queen-mother wished to conceal, and which from +great love Sardini, to whom Catherine gave the splendid estate of +Chaumont-sur-Loire, and also the castle, covered with marriage. + +But he had been so brutally used by the husband, that he did not make +old bones, and the fair Limeuil was left a widow in her springtime. In +spite of his misdeeds the advocate was not searched after. He was +cunning enough eventually to get included in the number of those +conspirators who were not prosecuted, and returned to the Huguenots, +for whom he worked hard in Germany. + +Poor Madame Avenelles, pray for her soul! for she was hurled no one +knew where, and had neither the prayers of the Church nor Christian +burial. Alas! shed a tear for her, ye ladies lucky in your loves. + + + +THE SERMON OF THE MERRY VICAR OF MEUDON + +When, for the last time, came Master Francis Rabelais, to the court of +King Henry the Second of the name, it was in that winter when the will +of nature compelled him to quit for ever his fleshly garb, and live +forever in his writings resplendent with that good philosophy to which +we shall always be obliged to return. The good man had, at that time, +counted as nearly as possible seventy flights of the swallow. His +Homeric head was but scantily ornamented with hair, but his beard was +still perfect in its flowing majesty; there was still an air of +spring-time in his quiet smile, and wisdom on his ample brow. He was a +fine old man according to the statement of those who had the happiness +to gaze upon his face, to which Socrates and Aristophanes, formerly +enemies, but then become friends, contributed their features. Hearing +his last hours tinkling in his ears he determined to go and pay his +respects to the king of France, because he was having just at that +time arrived in his castle of Tournelles, the good man's house being +situated in the gardens of St Paul, was not a stone's throw distant +from the court. He soon found himself in the presence of Queen +Catherine, Madame Diana, whom she received from motives of policy, the +king, the constable, the cardinals of Lorraine and Bellay, Messieurs +de Guise, the Sieur de Birague, and other Italians, who at that time +stood well at court in consequence of the king's protection; the +admiral, Montgomery, the officers of the household, and certain poets, +such as Melin de St. Gelays, Philibert de l'Orme, and the Sieur +Brantome. + +Perceiving the good man, the king, who knew his wit, said to him, with +a smile, after a short conversation-- + +"Hast thou ever delivered a sermon to thy parishioners of Meudon?" + +Master Rabelais, thinking that the king was joking, since he had never +troubled himself further about his post than to collect the revenues +accruing from it, replied-- + +"Sire, my listeners are in every place, and my sermon heard throughout +Christendom." + +Then glancing at all the courtiers, who, with the exception of +Messieurs du Bellay and Chatillon, considered him to be nothing but a +learned merry-andrew, while he was really the king of all wits, and a +far better king than he whose crown only the courtiers venerate, there +came into the good man's head the malicious idea to philosophically +pump over their heads, just as it pleased Gargantua to give the +Parisians a bath from the turrets of Notre Dame, so he added-- + +"If you are in a good humour, sire, I can regale you with a capital +little sermon, always appropriate, and which I have kept under the +tympanum of my left ear in order to deliver it in a fit place, by way +of an aulic parable." + +"Gentlemen," said the king, "Master Francis Rabelais has the floor of +the court, and our salvation is concerned in his speech. Be silent, I +pray you, and give heed; he is fruitful in evangelical drolleries." + +"Sire," said the good vicar, "I commence." + +All the courtiers became silent, and arranged themselves into a +circle, pliant as osiers before the father of Pantagruel who unfolded +to them the following tale, in words the illustrious eloquence of +which it is impossible to equal. But since this tale has only been +verbally handed down to us, the author will be pardoned if he write +after his own fashion. + +"In his old age Gargantua took to strange habits, which greatly +astonished his household, but the which he was forgiven since he was +seven hundred and four years old, in spite of the statement of St. +Clement of Alexandra in his Stromates, which makes out that at this +time he was a quarter of a day less, which matters little to us. Now +this paternal master, seeing that everything was going wrong in his +house, and that every one was fleecing him, conceived a great fear +that he would in his last moments be stripped of everything, and +resolved to invent a more perfect system of management in his domains, +and he did well. In a cellar of Gargantuan abode he hid away a fine +heap of red wheat, beside twenty jars of mustard and several +delicacies, such as plums and Tourainian rolls, articles of a dessert, +Olivet cheese, goat cheese, and others, well known between Langeais +and Loches, pots of butter, hare pasties, preserved ducks, pigs' +trotters in bran, boatloads and pots full of crushed peas, pretty +little pots of Orleans quince preserve, hogsheads of lampreys, +measures of green sauce, river game, such as francolins, teal, +sheldrake, heron, and flamingo, all preserved in sea-salt, dried +raisins, tongues smoked in the manner invented by Happe-Mousche, his +celebrated ancestor, and sweetstuff for Garga-melle on feast days; and +a thousand other things which are detailed in the records of the +Ripuary laws and in certain folios of the Capitularies, Pragmatics, +royal establishments, ordinances and institutions of the period. To be +brief, the good man, putting his spectacles on his nose or his nose in +his spectacles, looked about for a fine flying dragon or unicorn to +whom the guard of this precious treasure could be committed. With this +thought in his head he strolled about the gardens. He did not desire a +Coquecigrue, because the Egyptians were afraid of them, as it appeared +in the Hieroglyphics. He dismissed the idea of engaging the legions of +Caucquemarres, because emperors disliked them and also the Romans +according to that sulky fellow Tacitus. He rejected the Pechrocholiers +in council assembled, the Magi, the Druids, the legion or Papimania, +and the Massorets, who grew like quelch-grass and over-ran all the +land, as he had been told by his son, Pantagruel, on his return from +his journey. The good man calling to mind old stories, had no +confidence in any race, and if it had been permissible would have +implored the Creator for a new one, but not daring to trouble Him +about such trifles, did not know whom to choose, and was thinking that +his wealth would be a great trouble to him, when he met in his path a +pretty little shrew-mouse of the noble race of shrew-mice, who bear +all gules on an azure ground. By the gods! be sure that it was a +splendid animal, with the finest tail of the whole family, and was +strutting about in the sun like a brave shrew-mouse. It was proud of +having been in this world since the Deluge, according to letters- +patent of indisputable nobility, registered by the parliament of the +universe, since it appears from the Ecumenical Inquiry a shrew-mouse +was in Noah's Ark." Here Master Alcofribas raised his cap slightly, +and said, reverently, "It was Noah, my lords, who planted the vine, +and first had the honour of getting drunk upon the juice of its +fruit." + +"For it is certain," he continued, "that a shrew-mouse was in the +vessel from which we all came; but the men have made bad marriages; +not so the mice, because they are more jealous of their coat of arms +than any other animals, and would not receive a field-mouse among +them, even though he had the especial gift of being able to convert +grains of sand to fine fresh hazelnuts. This fine gentlemanly +character so pleased the good Gargantua, that he decided to give the +post of watching his granaries to the shrew-mouse, with the most ample +of powers--of justice, comittimus, missi dominici, clergy, men-at- +arms, and all. The shrew-mouse promised faithfully to accomplish his +task, and to do his duty as a loyal beast, on condition that he lived +on a heap of grain, which Gargantua thought perfectly fair. The shrew- +mouse began to caper about in his domain as happy as a prince who is +happy, reconnoitering his immense empire of mustard, countries of +sugar, provinces of ham, duchies of raisins, counties of chitterlings, +and baronies of all sorts, scrambling on to the heap of grain and +frisking his tail against everything. To be brief, everywhere was the +shrew-mouse received with honour by the pots, which kept a respectful +silence, except two golden tankards, which knocked against each other +like the bells of a church ringing a tocsin, at which he was much +pleased, and thanked them, right and left, by a nod of the head, while +promenading in the rays of the sun, which were illuminating his +domain. Therein so splendidly did the brown colour of his hair shine +forth, that one would have thought him a northern king in his sable +furs. After his twists, turns, jumps and capers, he munched two grains +of corn, sat upon the heap like a king in full court, and fancied +himself the most illustrious of shrew-mice. At this moment they came +from their accustomed holes the gentlemen of the night-prowling court, +who scamper with their little feet across the floors; these gentlemen +being the rats, mice, and other gnawing, thieving, and crafty animals, +of whom the citizens and housewives complain. When they saw the shrew- +mouse they took fright, and all remained shyly at the threshold of +their dens. Among these common people, in spite of the danger, one old +infidel of the trotting, nibbling race of mice, advanced a little, and +putting his nose in the air, had the courage to stare my lord shrew- +mouse full in the face, although the latter was proudly squatted upon +his rump, with his tail in the air; and he came to the conclusion that +he was a devil, from whom nothing but scratches were to be gained. And +from these facts, Gargantua, in order that the high authority of his +lieutenant might be universally known by all of the shrew-mice, cats, +weasels, martins, field-mice, mice, rats, and other bad characters of +the same kidney, had lightly dipped his muzzle, pointed as a larding +pin, in oil of musk, which all shrew-mice have since inherited, +because this one, is spite of the sage advice of Gargantua, rubbed +himself against others of his breed. From this sprang the troubles in +the Muzaraignia of which I will give you a good account in an +historical book when I get an opportunity. + +"Then an old mouse, or rat--the rabbis of Talmud have not yet agreed +concerning the species--perceiving by this perfume that this shrew- +mouse was appointed to guard the grain of Gargantua, and had been +sprinkled with virtues, invested with full powers, and armed at all +points, was alarmed lest he should no longer be able to live, +according to the custom of mice, upon the meats, morsels, crusts, +crumbs, leavings, bits, atoms, and fragments of this Canaan of rats. +In this dilemma the good mouse, artful as an old courtier who had +lived under two regencies and three kings, resolved to try the mettle +of the shrew-mouse, and devote himself to the salvation of the jaws of +his race. This would have been a laudable thing in a man, but it was +far more so in a mouse, belonging to a tribe who live for themselves +alone, barefacedly and shamelessly, and in order to gratify themselves +would defile a consecrated wafer, gnaw a priest's stole without shame, +and would drink out of a Communion cup, caring nothing for God. The +mouse advanced with many a bow and scrape, and the shrew-mouse let him +advance rather near--for, to tell the truth, these animals are +naturally short-sighted. Then this Curtius of nibblers made his little +speech, not the jargon of common mice, but in the polite language of +shrew-mice:--'My lord, I have heard with much concern of your glorious +family, of which I am one of the most devoted slaves. I know the +legend of your ancestors, who were thought much of by the ancient +Egyptians, who held them in great veneration, and adored them like +other sacred birds. Nevertheless, your fur robe is so royally +perfumed, and its colour is so splendiferously tanned, that I am +doubtful if I recognise you as belonging to this race, since I have +never seen any of them so gloriously attired. However you have +swallowed the grain after the antique fashion. Your proboscis is a +proboscis of sapience; you have kicked like a learned shrew-mouse; but +if you are a true shrew-mouse, you should have in I know not what part +of your ear--I know not what special auditorial channel, which I know +not, what wonderful door, closes I know not how, and I know not with +what movements, by your secret commands to give you, I know not why, +licence not to listen to I know not what things, which would be +displeasing to you, on account of the special and peculiar perfection +of your faculty of hearing everything, which would often pain you." + +"'True,' said the shrew-mouse, 'the door has just fallen. I hear +nothing!' + +"'Ah, I see,' said the old rogue. + +"And he made for the pile of corn, from which he commenced to take his +store for the winter. + +"'Did you hear anything?' asked he. + +"'I hear the pit-a-pat of my heart.' + +"'Kouick!' cried all the mice; 'we shall be able to hoodwink him.' + +"The shrew-mouse, fancying that he had met with a faithful vassal, +opened the trap of his musical orifice, and heard the noise of the +grain going towards the hole. Then, without having recourse to +forfeiture, the justice of commissaries, he sprang upon the old mouse +and squeezed him to death. Glorious death! for the hero died in the +thick of the grain, and was canonised as a martyr. The shrew-mouse +took him by the ears and placed him on the door the granary, after the +fashion of the Ottoman Porte, where my good Panurge was within an ace +of being spitted. At the cries of the dying wretch the rats, mice, and +others made for their holes in great haste. When the night had fallen +they came to the cellar, convoked for the purpose of holding a council +to consider public affairs; to which meeting, in virtue of the +Papyrian and other laws, their lawful wives were admitted. The rats +wished to pass before the mice, and serious quarrels about precedence +nearly spoiled everything; but a big rat gave his arm to a mouse, and +the gaffer rats and gammer mice being paired off in the same way, all +were soon seated on their rumps, tails in air, muzzles stretched, +whiskers stiff, and their eyes brilliant as those of a falcon. Then +commenced a deliberation, which finished up with insults and a +confusion worthy of an ecumenical council of holy fathers. One said +this and another said that, and a cat passing by took fright and ran +away, hearing these strange noises: 'Bou, bou, grou, ou, ou, houic, +houic, briff, briffnac, nac, nac, fouix, fouix, trr, trr, trr, trr, +za, za, zaaa, brr, brr, raaa, ra, ra, ra, fouix!' so well blended +together in a babel of sound, that a council at the Hotel de Ville +could not have made a greater hubbub. During this tempest a little +mouse, who was not old enough to enter parliament, thrust through a +chink her inquiring snout, the hair on which was as downy as that of +all mice, too downy to be caught. As the tumult increased, by degrees +her body followed her nose, until she came to the hoop of a cask, +against which she so dextrously squatted that she might have been +mistaken for a work of art carved in antique bas-relief. Lifting his +eyes to heaven to implore a remedy for the misfortunes of the state, +an old rat perceived this pretty mouse, so gentle and shapely, and +declared that the State might be saved by her. All the muzzles turned +to this Lady of Good Help, became silent, and agreed to let her loose +upon the shrew-mouse, and in spite of the anger of certain envious +mice, she was triumphantly marched around the cellar, where, seeing +her walk mincingly, mechanically move her tail, shake her cunning +little head, twitch her diaphanous ears, and lick with her little red +tongue the hairs just sprouting on her cheeks, the old rats fell in +love with her and wagged their wrinkled, white-whiskered jaws with +delight at the sight of her, as did formerly the old men of Troy, +admiring the lovely Helen, returning from her bath. Then the maiden +was conducted to the granary, with instructions to make a conquest of +the shrew-mouse's heart, and save the fine red grain, as did formerly +the fair Hebrew, Esther, for the chosen people, with the Emperor +Ahasuerus, as is written in the master-book, for Bible comes from the +Greek word biblos, as if to say the only book. The mouse promised to +deliver the granaries, for by a lucky chance she was the queen of +mice, a fair, plump, pretty little mouse, the most delicate little +lady that ever scampered merrily across the floors, scratched between +the walls, and gave utterance to little cries of joy at finding nuts, +meal, and crumbs of bread in her path; a true fay, pretty and playful, +with an eye clear as crystal, a little head, sleek skin, amorous body, +rosy feet, and velvet tail--a high born mouse and a polished speaker +with a natural love of bed and idleness--a merry mouse, more cunning +than an old Doctor of Sorbonne fed on parchment, lively, white +bellied, streaked on the back, with sweet moulded breasts, pearl-white +teeth, and of a frank open nature--in fact, a true king's morsel." + +This portraiture was so bold--the mouse appearing to have been the +living image of Madame Diana, then present--that the courtiers stood +aghast. Queen Catherine smiled, but the king was in no laughing +humour. But Rabelais went on without paying any attention to the winks +of the Cardinal Bellay and de Chatillon, who were terrified for the +good man. + +"The pretty mouse," said he, continuing, "did not beat long about the +bush, and from the first moment that she trotted before the shrew- +mouse, she had enslaved him for ever by her coquetries, affectations, +friskings, provocations, little refusals, piercing glances, and wiles +of a maiden who desires yet dares not, amorous oglings, little +caresses, preparatory tricks, pride of a mouse who knows her value, +laughings and squeakings, triflings and other endearments, feminine, +treacherous and captivating ways, all traps which are abundantly used +by the females of all nations. When, after many wrigglings, smacks in +the face, nose lickings, gallantries of amorous shrew-mice, frowns, +sighs, serenades, titbits, suppers and dinners on the pile of corn, +and other attentions, the superintendent overcame the scruples of his +beautiful mistress, he became the slave of this incestuous and illicit +love, and the mouse, leading her lord by the snout, became queen of +everything, nibbled his cheese, ate the sweets, and foraged +everywhere. This the shrew-mouse permitted to the empress of his +heart, although he was ill at ease, having broken his oath made to +Gargantua, and betrayed the confidence placed in him. Pursuing her +advantage with the pertinacity of a woman, one night they were joking +together, the mouse remembered the dear old fellow her father, and +desiring that he should make his meals off the grain, she threatened +to leave her lover cold and lonely in his domain if he did not allow +her to indulge her filial piety. In the twinkling of a mouse's eye he +had granted letters patent, sealed with a green seal, with tags of +crimson silk, to his wench's father, so that the Gargantuan palace was +open to him at all hours, and he was at liberty see his good, virtuous +daughter, kiss her on the forehead, and eat his fill, but always in a +corner. Then there arrived a venerable old rat, weighing about twenty- +five ounces, with a white tail, marching like the president of a Court +of Justice, wagging his head, and followed by fifteen or twenty +nephews, all with teeth as sharp as saws, who demonstrated to the +shrew-mouse by little speeches and questions of all kinds that they, +his relations, would soon be loyally attached to him, and would help +him to count the things committed to his charge, arrange and ticket +them, in order that when Gargantua came to visit them he would find +everything in perfect order. There was an air of truth about these +promises. The poor shrew-mouse was, however, in spite of this speech, +troubled by ideas from on high, and serious pricking of shrew-mousian +conscience. Seeing that he turned up his nose at everything, went +about slowly and with a careworn face, one morning the mouse who was +pregnant by him, conceived the idea of calming his doubts and easing +his mind by a Sorbonnical consultation, and sent for the doctors of +his tribe. During the day she introduced to him one, Sieur Evegault, +who had just stepped out of a cheese where he lived in perfect +abstinence, an old confessor of high degree, a merry fellow of good +appearance, with a fine black skin, firm as a rock, and slightly +tonsured on the head by the pat of a cat's claw. He was a grave rat, +with a monastical paunch, having much studied scientific authorities +by nibbling at their works in parchments, papers, books and volumes of +which certain fragments had remained upon his grey beard. In honour of +and great reverence for his great virtue and wisdom, and his modest +life, he was accompanied by a black troop of black rats, all bringing +with them pretty little mice, their sweethearts, for not having +adopted the canons of the council of Chesil, it was lawful for them to +have respectable women for concubines. These beneficed rats, being +arranged in two lines, you might have fancied them a procession of the +university authorities going to Lendit. And they all began to sniff +the victuals. + +"When the ceremony of placing them all was complete, the old cardinal +of the rats lifted up his voice, and in a good rat-latin oration +pointed out to the guardian of the grain that no one but God was +superior to him; and that to God alone he owed obedience, and he +entertained him with many fine phrases, stuffed with evangelical +quotations, to disturb the principal and fog his flock; in fact, fine +argument interlarded with much sound sense. The discourse finished +with a peroration full of high sounding words in honour of shrew-mice, +among whom his hearer was the most illustrious and best beneath the +sun; and this oration considerably bewildered the keeper of the +granary. + +"This good gentleman's head was thoroughly turned, and he installed +this fine speaking rat and his tribe in his manor, where night and day +his praises and little songs in his honour were sung, not forgetting +his lady, whose little paw was kissed and little tail was sniffed at +by all. Finally, the mistress, knowing that certain young rats were +still fasting, determined to finish her work. Then she kissed her lord +tenderly, loading him with love, and performing those little endearing +antics of which one alone was sufficient to send a beast to perdition; +and said to the shrew-mouse that he wasted the precious time due to +their love by travelling about, that he was always going here or +there, and that she never had her proper share of him; that when she +wanted his society, he was on the leads chasing the cats, and that she +wished him always to be ready to her hand like a lance, and kind as a +bird. Then in her great grief she tore out a grey hair, declaring +herself, weepingly, to be the most wretched little mouse in the world. +The shrew-mouse pointed out to her that she was the mistress of +everything, and wished to resist, but after the lady had shed a +torrent of tears he implored a truce and considered her request. Then +instantly drying her tears, and giving him her paw to kiss, she +advised him to arm some soldiers, trusty and tried rats, old warriors, +who would go the rounds to keep watch. Everything was thus wisely +arranged. The shrew-mouse had the rest of the day to dance, play, and +amuse himself, listen to the roundelays and ballads which the poets +composed in his honour, play the lute and the mandore, make acrostics, +eat, drink and be merry. One day his mistress having just risen from +her confinement, after having given birth to the sweetest little +mouse-sorex or sorex-mouse, I know not what name was given to this +mongrel food of love, whom you may be sure, the gentlemen in the long +robe would manage to legitimise" (the constable of Montmorency, who +had married his son to a legitimised bastard of the king's, here put +his hand to his sword and clutched the handle fiercely), "a grand +feast was given in the granaries, to which no court festival or gala +could be compared, not even that of the Field of the Cloth of Gold. In +every corner mice were making merry. Everywhere there were dances, +concerts, banquets, sarabands, music, joyous songs, and epithalamia. +The rats had broken open the pots, and uncovered the jars, lapped the +gallipots, and unpacked the stores. The mustard was strewn over the +place, the hams were mangled and the corn scattered. Everything was +rolling, tumbling, and falling about the floor, and the little rats +dabbled in puddles of green sauce, the mice navigated oceans of +sweetmeats, and the old folks carried off the pasties. There were mice +astride salt tongues. Field-mice were swimming in the pots, and the +most cunning of them were carrying the corn into their private holes, +profiting by the confusion to make ample provision for themselves. No +one passed the quince confection of Orleans without saluting it with +one nibble, and oftener with two. It was like a Roman carnival. In +short, anyone with a sharp ear might have heard the frizzling frying- +pans, the cries and clamours of the kitchens, the crackling of their +furnaces, the noise of the turnspits, the creaking of baskets, the +haste of the confectioners, the click of the meat-jacks, and the noise +of the little feet scampering thick as hail over the floor. It was a +bustling wedding-feast, where people come and go, footmen, stablemen, +cooks, musicians, buffoons, where everyone pays compliments and makes +a noise. In short, so great was the delight that they kept up a +general wagging of the head to celebrate this eventful night. But +suddenly there was heard the horrible foot-fall of Gargantua, who was +ascending the stairs of his house to visit the granaries, and made the +planks, the beams, and everything else tremble. Certain old rats asked +each other what might mean this seignorial footstep, with which they +were unacquainted, and some of them decamped, and they did well, for +the lord and master entered suddenly. Perceiving the confusion these +gentleman had made, seeing his preserves eaten, his mustard unpacked, +and everything dirtied and scratched about, he put his feet upon these +lively vermin without giving them time to squeak, and thus spoiled +their best clothes, satins, pearls, velvets, and rubbish, and upset +the feast." + +"And what became of the shrew-mouse?" said the king, waking from his +reverie. + +"Ah, sire!" replied Rabelais, "herein we see the injustice of the +Gargantuan tribe. He was put to death, but being a gentleman he was +beheaded. That was ill done, for he had been betrayed." + +"You go rather far, my good man," said the king. + +"No sire," replied Rabelais, "but rather high. Have you not sunk the +crown beneath the pulpit? You asked me for a sermon; I have given you +one which is gospel." + +"My fine vicar," said Madame Diana, in his ear, "suppose I were +spiteful?" + +"Madame," said Rabelais, "was it not well then of me to warn the king, +your master, against the queen's Italians, who are as plentiful here +as cockchafers?" + +"Poor preacher," said Cardinal Odet, in his ear, "go to another +country." + +"Ah! monsieur," replied the old fellow, "ere long I shall be in +another land." + +"God's truth! Mr. Scribbler," said the constable (whose son, as +everyone knows, had treacherously deserted Mademoiselle de Piennes, to +whom he was betrothed, to espouse Diana of France, daughter of the +mistress of certain high personages and of the king), "who made thee +so bold as to slander persons of quality? Ah, wretched poet, you like +to raise yourself high; well then, I promise to put you in a good high +place." + +"We shall all go there, my lord constable," replied the old man: "but +if you are friendly to the state and to the king you will thank me for +having warned him against the hordes of Lorraine, who are evils that +will devour everything." + +"My good man," whispered Cardinal Charles of Lorraine, "if you need a +few gold crowns to publish your fifth book of Pantagruel you can come +to me for them, because you have put the case clearly to the enemy, +who has bewitched the king, and also to her pack." + +"Well, gentlemen," said the king, "what do you think of the sermon?" + +"Sire," said Mellin de Saint-Gelais, seeing that all were well +pleased, "I had never heard a better Pantagruelian prognostication. +Much do we owe to him who made these leonine verses in the Abbey of +Theleme:-- + + '"Cy vous entrez, qui le saint Evangile + En sens agile annoncez, quoy qu'on gronde, + Ceans aurez une refuge et bastile, + Contre l'hostile erreur qui tant postille + Par son faux style empoisonner le monde.'" + + ['"Should ye who enter here profess in jubilation + Our gospel of elation, then suffer dolts to curse! + Here refuge shall ye find, and sure circumvallation + Against the protestation of those whose delectation + Brings false abomination to blight the universe.'"] + +All the courtiers having applauded their companion, each one +complimented Rabelais, who took his departure accompanied with great +honour by the king's pages, who, by express command held torches +before him. + +Some persons have charged Francis Rabelais, the imperial honour of our +land, with spiteful tricks and apish pranks, unworthy of his Homeric +philosophy, of this prince of wisdom of this fatherly centre, from +which have issued since the rising of his subterranean light a good +number of marvellous works. Out upon those who would defile this +divine head! All their life long may they find grit between their +teeth, those who have ignored his good and moderate nourishment. + +Dear drinker of pure water, faithful servant or monachal abstinence, +wisest of wise men, how would thy sides ache with laughter, how +wouldst thou chuckle, if thou couldst come again for a little while to +Chinon, and read the idiotic mouthings, and the maniacal babble of the +fools who have interpreted, commentated, torn, disgraced, +misunderstood, betrayed, defiled, adulterated and meddled with thy +peerless book. As many dogs as Panurge found busy with his lady's robe +at church, so many two-legged academic puppies have busied themselves +with befouling the high marble pyramid in which is cemented for ever +the seed of all fantastic and comic inventions, besides magnificent +instruction in all things. Although rare are the pilgrims who have the +breath to follow thy bark in its sublime peregrination through the +ocean of ideas, methods, varieties, religions, wisdom, and human +trickeries, at least their worship is unalloyed, pure, and +unadulterated, and thine omnipotence, omniscience, and omni-language +are by them bravely recognised. Therefore has a poor son of our merry +Touraine here been anxious, however unworthily, to do thee homage by +magnifying thine image, and glorifying the works of eternal memory, so +cherished by those who love the concentrative works wherein the +universal moral is contained, wherein are found, pressed like sardines +in their boxes, philosophical ideas on every subject, science, art and +eloquence, as well as theatrical mummeries. + + + +THE SUCCUBUS + + +Prologue + +A number of persons of the noble country of Touraine, considerably +edified by the warm search which the author is making into the +antiquities, adventures, good jokes, and pretty tales of that blessed +land, and believing for certain that he should know everything, have +asked him (after drinking with him of course understood), if he had +discovered the etymological reason, concerning which all the ladies of +the town are so curious, and from which a certain street in Tours is +called the Rue Chaude. By him it was replied, that he was much +astonished to see that the ancient inhabitants had forgotten the great +number of convents situated in this street, where the severe +continence of the monks and nuns might have caused the walls to be +made so hot that some woman of position should increase in size from +walking too slowly along them to vespers. A troublesome fellow, +wishing to appear learned, declared that formerly all the +scandalmongers of the neighbourhood were wont to meet in this place. +Another entangled himself in the minute suffrages of science, and +poured forth golden words without being understood, qualifying words, +harmonising the melodies of the ancient and modern, congregating +customs, distilling verbs, alchemising all languages since the Deluge, +of the Hebrew, Chaldeans, Egyptians, Greeks, Latins, and of Turnus, +the ancient founder of Tours; and the good man finished by declaring +that chaude or chaulde with the exception of the H and the L, came +from Cauda, and that there was a tail in the affair, but the ladies +only understood the end of it. An old man observed that in this same +place was formerly a source of thermal water, of which his great great +grandfather had drunk. In short, in less time than it takes a fly to +embrace its sweetheart, there had been a pocketful of etymologies, in +which the truth of the matter had been less easily found than a louse +in the filthy beard of a Capuchin friar. But a man well learned and +well informed, through having left his footprint in many monasteries, +consumed much midnight oil, and manured his brain with many a volume-- +himself more encumbered with pieces, dyptic fragments, boxes, +charters, and registers concerning the history of Touraine than is a +gleaner with stalks of straw in the month of August--this man, old, +infirm, and gouty, who had been drinking in his corner without saying +a word, smiled the smile of a wise man and knitted his brows, the said +smile finally resolving itself into a pish! well articulated, which +the Author heard and understood it to be big with an adventure +historically good, the delights of which he would be able to unfold in +this sweet collection. + +To be brief, on the morrow this gouty old fellow said to him, "By your +poem, which is called 'The Venial Sin,' you have forever gained my +esteem, because everything therein is true from head to foot--which I +believe to be a precious superabundance in such matters. But doubtless +you do not know what became of the Moor placed in religion by the said +knight, Bruyn de la Roche-Corbon. I know very well. Now if this +etymology of the street harass you, and also the Egyptian nun, I will +lend you a curious and antique parchment, found by me in the Olim of +the episcopal palace, of which the libraries were a little knocked +about at a period when none of us knew if he would have the pleasure +of his head's society on the morrow. Now will not this yield you a +perfect contentment?" + +"Good!" said the author. + +Then this worthy collector of truths gave certain rare and dusty +parchments to the author, the which he has, not without great labour, +translated into French, and which were fragments of a most ancient +ecclesiastical process. He has believed that nothing would be more +amusing than the actual resurrection of this antique affair, wherein +shines forth the illiterate simplicity of the good old times. Now, +then, give ear. This is the order in which were the manuscripts, of +which the author has made use in his own fashion, because the language +was devilishly difficult. + + +I +WHAT THE SUCCUBUS WAS. + +/In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen./ + +In the year of our Lord, one thousand two hundred and seventy-one, +before me, Hierome Cornille, grand inquisitor and ecclesiastical judge +(thereto commissioned by the members of the chapter of Saint Maurice, +the cathedral of Tours, having of this deliberated in the presence of +our Lord Jean de Montsoreau, archbishop--namely, the grievances and +complaints of the inhabitants of the said town, whose request is here +subjoined), have appeared certain noblemen, citizens, and inhabitants +of the diocese, who have stated the following facts concerning a demon +suspected of having taken the features of a woman, who has much +afflicted the minds of the diocese, and is at present a prisoner in +the jail of the chapter; and in order to arrive at the truth of the +said charge we have opened the present court, this Monday, the +eleventh day of December, after mass, to communicate the evidence of +each witness to the said demon, to interrogate her upon the said +crimes to her imputed, and to judge her according to the laws enforced +/contra demonios/. + +In this inquiry has assisted me to write the evidence therein given, +Guillaume Tournebouche, rubrican of the chapter, a learned man. + + +Firstly has come before us one Jehan, surnamed Tortebras, a citizen of +Tours, keeping by licence the hostelry of La Cigoyne, situated on the +Place du Pont, and who has sworn by the salvation of his soul, his +hand upon the holy Evangelists, to state no other thing than that +which by himself hath been seen and heard. + +He hath stated as here followeth:-- + +"I declare that about two years before the feast of St. Jehan, upon +which are the grand illuminations, a gentleman, at first unknown to +me, but belonging without doubt to our lord the King, and at that time +returned to our country from the Holy Land, came to me with the +proposition that I should let to him at rental a certain country-house +by me built, in the quit rent of the chapter over against the place +called of St. Etienne, and the which I let to him for nine years, for +the consideration of three besans of fine gold. In the said house was +placed by the said knight a fair wench having the appearance of a +woman, dressed in the strange fashion of the Saracens Mohammedans, +whom he would allow by none to be seen or to be approached within a +bow-shot, but whom I have seen with mine own eyes, weird feathers upon +her head, and eyes so flaming that I cannot adequately describe them, +and from which gleamed forth a fire of hell. The defunct knight having +threatened with death whoever should appear to spy about the said +house, I have by reason of great fear left the said house, and I have +until this day secretly kept to my mind certain presumptions and +doubts concerning the bad appearance of the said foreigner, who was +more strange than any woman, her equal not having as yet by me been +seen. + +"Many persons of all conditions having at the time believed the said +knight to be dead, but kept upon his feet by virtue of the said +charms, philters, spells, and diabolical sorceries of this seeming +woman, who wished to settle in our country, I declare that I have +always seen the said knight so ghastly pale that I can only compare +his face to the wax of a Paschal candle, and to the knowledge of all +the people of the hostelry of La Cigoyne, this knight was interred +nine days after his first coming. According to the statement of his +groom, the defunct had been chalorously coupled with the said Moorish +woman during seven whole days shut up in my house, without coming out +from her, the which I heard him horribly avow upon his deathbed. +Certain persons at the present time have accused this she-devil of +holding the said gentleman in her clutches by her long hair, the which +was furnished with certain warm properties by means of which are +communicated to Christians the flames of hell in the form of love, +which work in them until their souls are by this means drawn from +their bodies and possessed by Satan. But I declare that I have seen +nothing of this excepting the said dead knight, bowelless, emaciated, +wishing, in spite of his confessor, still to go to this wench; and +then he has been recognised as the lord de Bueil, who was a crusader, +and who was, according to certain persons of the town, under the spell +of a demon whom he had met in the Asiatic country of Damascus or +elsewhere. + +"Afterwards I have let my house to the said unknown lady, according to +the clauses of the deed of lease. The said lord of Bueil, being +defunct, I had nevertheless been into my house in order to learn from +the said foreign woman if she wished to remain in my dwelling, and +after great trouble was led before her by a strange, half-naked black +man, whose eyes were white. + +"Then I have seen the said Moorish woman in a little room, shining +with gold and jewels, lighted with strange lights, upon an Asiatic +carpet, where she was seated, lightly attired, with another gentleman, +who was there imperiling his soul; and I had not the heart bold enough +to look upon her, seeing that her eyes would have incited me +immediately to yield myself up to her, for already her voice thrilled +into my very belly, filled my brain, and debauched my mind. Finding +this, from the fear of God, and also of hell, I have departed with +swift feet, leaving my house to her as long as she liked to retain it, +so dangerous was it to behold that Moorish complexion from which +radiated diabolical heats, besides a foot smaller than it was lawful +in a real woman to possess; and to hear her voice, which pierced into +one's heart! And from that day I have lacked the courage to enter my +house from great fear of falling into hell. I have said my say." + +To the said Tortebras we have then shown an Abyssinian, Nubian or +Ethiopian, who, black from head to foot, had been found wanting in +certain virile properties with which all good Christians are usually +furnished, who, having persevered in his silence, after having been +tormented and tortured many times, not without much moaning, has +persisted in being unable to speak the language of our country. And +the said Tortebras has recognised the said Abyss heretic as having +been in his house in company with the said demoniacal spirit, and is +suspected of having lent his aid to her sorcery. + +And the said Tortebras has confessed his great faith in the Catholic +religion, and declared no other things to be within his knowledge save +certain rumours which were known to every one, of which he had been in +no way a witness except in the hearing of them. + + +In obedience to the citations served upon him, has appeared then, +Matthew, surname Cognefestu, a day-labourer of St. Etienne, whom, +after having sworn by the holy Evangelists to speak the truth, has +confessed to us always to have seen a bright light in the dwelling of +the said foreign woman, and heard much wild and diabolical laughter on +the days and nights of feasts and fasts, notably during the days of +the holy and Christmas weeks, as if a great number of people were in +the house. And he has sworn to have seen by the windows of the said +dwellings, green buds of all kinds in the winter, growing as if by +magic, especially roses in a time of frost, and other things for which +there was a need of a great heat; but of this he was in no way +astonished, seeing that the said foreigner threw out so much heat that +when she walked in the evening by the side of his wall he found on the +morrow his salad grown; and on certain occasions she had by the +touching of her petticoats, caused the trees to put forth leaves and +hasten the buds. Finally, the said, Cognefestu has declared to us to +know no more, because he worked from early morning, and went to bed at +the same hour as the fowls. + +Afterwards the wife of the aforesaid Cognefestu has by us been +required to state also upon oath the things come to her cognisance in +this process, and has avowed naught save praises of the said +foreigner, because since her coming her man had treated her better in +consequence of the neighbourhood of this good lady, who filled the air +with love, as the sun did light, and other incongruous nonsense, which +we have not committed to writing. + +To the said Cognefestu and to his wife we have shown the said unknown +African, who has been seen by them in the gardens of the house, and is +stated by them for certain to belong to the said demon. In the third +place, has advanced Harduin V., lord of Maille, who being by us +reverentially begged to enlighten the religion of the church, has +expressed his willingness so to do, and has, moreover, engaged his +word, as a gallant knight, to say no other thing than that which he +has seen. Then he has testified to have known in the army of the +Crusades the demon in question, and in the town of Damascus to have +seen the knight of Bueil, since defunct, fight at close quarters to be +her sole possessor. The above-mentioned wench, or demon, belonged at +that time to the knight Geoffroy IV., Lord of Roche-Pozay, by whom she +was said to have been brought from Touraine, although she was a +Saracen; concerning which the knights of France marvelled much, as +well as at her beauty, which made a great noise and a thousand +scandalous ravages in the camp. During the voyage this wench was the +cause of many deaths, seeing that Roche-Pozay had already discomfited +certain Crusaders, who wished to keep her to themselves, because she +shed, according to certain knights petted by her in secret, joys +around her comparable to none others. But in the end the knight of +Bueil, having killed Geoffroy de la Roche-Pozay, became lord and +master of this young murderess, and placed her in a convent, or harem, +according to the Saracen custom. About this time one used to see her +and hear her chattering as entertainment many foreign dialects, such +as the Greek or the Latin empire, Moorish, and, above all, French +better than any of those who knew the language of France best in the +Christian host, from which sprang the belief that she was demoniacal. + + +The said knight Harduin has confessed to us not to have tilted for her +in the Holy Land, not from fear, coldness or other cause, so much as +that he believed the time had arrived for him to bear away a portion +of the true cross, and also he had belonging to him a noble lady of +the Greek country, who saved him from this danger in denuding him of +love, morning and night, seeing that she took all of it substantially +from him, leaving him none in his heart or elsewhere for others. + +And the said knight has assured us that the woman living in the +country house of Tortebras, was really the said Saracen woman, come +into the country from Syria, because he had been invited to a midnight +feast at her house by the young Lord of Croixmare, who expired the +seventh day afterwards, according to the statement of the Dame de +Croixmare, his mother, ruined all points by the said wench, whose +commerce with him had consumed his vital spirit, and whose strange +phantasies had squandered his fortune. + +Afterwards questioned in his quality of a man full of prudence, wisdom +and authority in this country, upon the ideas entertained concerning +the said woman, and summoned by us to open his conscience, seeing that +it was a question of a most abominable case of Christian faith and +divine justice, answer has been made by the said knight:-- + +That by certain of the host of Crusaders it has been stated to him +that always this she-devil was a maid to him who embraced her, and +that Mammon was for certain occupied in her, making for her a new +virtue for each of her lovers, and a thousand other foolish sayings of +drunken men, which were not of a nature to form a fifth gospel. But +for a fact, he, an old knight on that turn of life, and knowing +nothing more of the aforesaid, felt himself again a young man in that +last supper with which he had been regaled by the lord of Croixmare; +then the voice of this demon went straight to his heart before flowing +into his ears, and had awakened so great a love in his body that his +life was ebbing from the place whence it should flow, and that +eventually, but for the assistance of Cyprus wine, which he had drunk +to blind his sight, and his getting under the table in order no longer +to gaze upon the fiery eyes of his diabolical hostess, and not to rend +his heart from her, without doubt he would have fought the young +Croixmare, in order to enjoy for a single moment this supernatural +woman. Since then he had had absolution from his confessor for the +wicked thought. Then, by advice from on high, he had carried back to +his house his portion of the true Cross, and had remained in his own +manor, where, in spite of his Christian precautions, the said voice +still at certain times tickled his brain, and in the morning often had +he in remembrance this demon, warm as brimstone; and because the look +of this wench was so warm that it made him burn like a young man, be +half dead, and because it cost him then many transshipments of the +vital spirit, the said knight has requested us not to confront him +with the empress of love to whom, if it were not the devil, God the +Father had granted strange liberties with the minds of men. +Afterwards, he retired, after reading over his statement, not without +having first recognised the above-mentioned African to be the servant +and page of the lady. + + +In the fourth place, upon the faith pledged in us in the name of the +Chapter and of our Lord Archbishop, that he should not be tormented, +tortured, nor harassed in any manner, nor further cited after his +statement, in consequence of his commercial journeys, and upon the +assurance that he should retire in perfect freedom, has come before us +a Jew, Salomon al Rastchid, who, in spite of the infamy of his person +and his Judaism, has been heard by us to this one end, to know +everything concerning the conduct of the aforesaid demon. Thus he has +not been required to take any oath this Salomon, seeing that he is +beyond the pale of the Church, separated from us by the blood of our +saviour (trucidatus Salvatore inter nos). Interrogated by us as to why +he appeared without the green cap upon his head, and the yellow wheel +in the apparent locality of the heart in his garment, according to the +ecclesiastical and royal ordinances, the said de Rastchid has +exhibited to us letters patent of the seneschal of Touraine and +Poitou. Then the said Jew has declared to us to have done a large +business for the lady dwelling in the house of the innkeeper +Tortebras, to have sold to her golden chandeliers, with many branches, +minutely engraved, plates of red silver, cups enriched with stones, +emeralds and rubies; to have brought for her from the Levant a number +of rare stuffs, Persian carpets, silks, and fine linen; in fact, +things so magnificent that no queen in Christendom could say she was +so well furnished with jewels and household goods; and that he had for +his part received from her three hundred thousand pounds for the +rarity of the purchases in which he had been employed, such as Indian +flowers, poppingjays, birds' feathers, spices, Greek wines, and +diamonds. Requested by us, the judge, to say if he had furnished +certain ingredients of magical conjuration, the blood of new-born +children, conjuring books, and things generally and whatsoever made +use of by sorcerers, giving him licence to state his case without that +thereupon he should be the subject to any further inquest or inquiry, +the said al Rastchid has sworn by his Hebrew faith never to have had +any such commerce; and has stated that he was involved in too high +interests to give himself to such miseries, seeing that he was the +agent of certain most powerful lords, such as the Marquis de +Montferrat, the King of England, the King of Cyprus and Jerusalem, the +Court of Provence, lords of Venice, and many German gentleman; to have +belonging to him merchant galleys of all kinds, going into Egypt with +the permission of the Sultan, and he trafficking in precious articles +of silver and of gold, which took him often into the exchange of +Tours. Moreover, he has declared that he considered the said lady, the +subject of inquiry, to be a right royal and natural woman, with the +sweetest limbs, and the smallest he has ever seen. That in consequence +of her renown for a diabolical spirit, pushed by a wild imagination, +and also because that he was smitten with her, he had heard once that +she was husbandless, proposed to her to be her gallant, to which +proposition she willingly acceded. Now, although from that night he +felt his bones disjointed and his bowels crushed, he had not yet +experienced, as certain persons say, that who once yielded was free no +more; he went to his fate as lead into the crucible of the alchemist. +Then the said Salomon, to whom we have granted his liberty according +to the safe conduct, in spite of the statement, which proves +abundantly his commerce with the devil, because he had been saved +there where all Christians have succumbed, has admitted to us an +agreement concerning the said demon. To make known that he had made an +offer to the chapter of the cathedral to give for the said semblance +of a woman such a ransom, if she were condemned to be burned alive, +that the highest of the towers of the Church of St. Maurice, at +present in course of construction, could therewith be finished. + +The which we have noted to be deliberated upon at an opportune time by +the assembled chapter. And the said Salomon has taken his departure +without being willing to indicate his residence, and has told us that +he can be informed of the deliberation of the chapter by a Jew of the +synagogue of Tours, a name Tobias Nathaneus. The said Jew has before +his departure been shown the African, and has recognised him as the +page of the demon, and has stated the Saracens to have the custom of +mutilating their slaves thus, to commit to them the task of guarding +their women by an ancient usage, as it appears in the profane +histories of Narsez, general of Constantinople, and others. + +On the morrow after mass has appeared before us the most noble and +illustrious lady of Croixmare. The same has worn her faith in the holy +Evangelists, and has related to us with tears how she had placed her +eldest son beneath the earth, dead by reason of his extravagant amours +with this female demon. The which noble gentleman was three-and-twenty +years of age; of good complexion, very manly and well bearded like his +defunct sire. Notwithstanding his great vigour, in ninety days he had +little by little withered, ruined by his commerce with the succubus of +the Rue Chaude, according to the statement of the common people; and +her maternal authority over the son had been powerless. Finally in his +latter days he appeared like a poor dried up worm, such as +housekeepers meet with in a corner when they clean out the dwelling- +rooms. And always, so long as he had the strength to go, he went to +shorten his life with this cursed woman; where, also, he emptied his +cash-box. When he was in his bed, and knew his last hour had come, he +swore at, cursed, and threatened and heaped upon all--his sister, his +brother, and upon her his mother--a thousand insults, rebelled in the +face of the chaplain; denied God, and wished to die in damnation; at +which were much afflicted the retainers of the family, who, to save +his soul and pluck it from hell, have founded two annual masses in the +cathedral. And in order to have him buried in consecrated ground, the +house of Croixmare has undertaken to give to the chapter, during one +hundred years, the wax candles for the chapels and the church, upon +the day of the Paschal feast. And, in conclusion, saving the wicked +words heard by the reverend person, Dom Loys Pot, a nun of +Marmoustiers, who came to assist in his last hours the said Baron de +Croixmaire affirms never to have heard any words offered by the +defunct, touching the demon who had undone him. + +And therewith has retired the noble and illustrious lady in deep +mourning. + + +In the sixth place has appeared before us, after adjournment, +Jacquette, called Vieux-Oing, a kitchen scullion, going to houses to +wash dishes, residing at present in the Fishmarket, who, after having +placed her word to say nothing she did not hold to be true, has +declared as here follows:--Namely, that one day she, being come into +the kitchen of the said demon, of whom she had no fear, because she +was wont to regale herself only upon males, she had the opportunity of +seeing in the garden this female demon, superbly attired, walking in +company with a knight, with whom she was laughing, like a natural +woman. Then she had recognised in this demon that true likeness of the +Moorish woman placed as a nun in the convent of Notre Dame de +l'Egrignolles by the defunct seneschal of Touraine and Poitou, Messire +Bruyn, Count of Roche-Corbon, the which Moorish woman had been left in +the situation and place of the image of our Lady the Virgin, the +mother of our Blessed Saviour, stolen by the Egyptians about eighteen +years since. Of this time, in consequence of the troubles come about +in Touraine, no record has been kept. This girl, aged about twelve +years, was saved from the stake at which she would have been burned by +being baptised; and the said defunct and his wife had then been +godfather and godmother to this child of hell. Being at that time +laundress at the convent, she who bears witness has remembrance of the +flight which the said Egyptian took twenty months after her entry into +the convent, so subtilely that it has never been known how or by what +means she escaped. At that time it was thought by all, that with the +devil's aid she had flown away in the air, seeing that not +withstanding much search, no trace of her flight was found in the +convent, where everything remained in its accustomed order. + +The African having been shown to the said scullion, she has declared +not to have seen him before, although she was curious to do so, as he +was commissioned to guard the place in which the Moorish woman +combated with those whom she drained through the spigot. + + +In the seventh place has been brought before us Hugues de Fou, son of +the Sieur de Bridore, who, aged twenty years, has been placed in the +hands of his father, under caution of his estates, and by him is +represented in this process, whom it concerns if should be duly +attained and convicted of having, assisted by several unknown and bad +young men, laid siege to the jail of the archbishop and of the +chapter, and of having lent himself to disturb the force of +ecclesiastical justice, by causing the escape of the demon now under +consideration. In spite of the evil disposition we have commanded the +said Hugues de Fou to testify truly, touching the things he should +know concerning the said demon, with whom he is vehemently reputed to +have had commerce, pointing out to him that it was a question of his +salvation and of the life of the said demon. He, after having taken +the oath, he said:-- + +"I swear by my eternal salvation, and by the holy Evangelists here +present under my hand, to hold the woman suspected of being a demon to +be an angel, a perfect woman, and even more so in mind than in body, +living in all honesty, full of the migniard charms and delights of +love, in no way wicked, but most generous, assisting greatly the poor +and suffering. I declare that I have seen her weeping veritable tears +for the death of my friend, the knight of Croixmare. And because on +that day she had made a vow to our Lady the Virgin no more to receive +the love of young noblemen too weak in her service; she has to me +constantly and with great courage denied the enjoyment of her body, +and has only granted to me love, and the possession of her heart, of +which she has made sovereign. Since this gracious gift, in spite of my +increasing flame I have remained alone in her dwelling, where I have +spent the greater part of my days, happy in seeing and in hearing her. +Oh! I would eat near her, partake of the air which entered into her +lungs, of the light which shone in her sweet eyes, and found in this +occupation more joy than have the lords of paradise. Elected by me to +be forever my lady, chosen to be one day my dove, my wife, and only +sweetheart, I, poor fool, have received from her no advances on the +joys of the future, but, on the contrary, a thousand virtuous +admonitions; such as that I should acquire renown as a good knight, +become a strong man and a fine one, fear nothing except God; honour +the ladies, serve but one and love them in memory of that one; that +when I should be strengthened by the work of war, if her heart still +pleased mine, at that time only would she be mine, because she would +be able to wait for me, loving me so much." + +So saying the young Sire Hugues wept, and weeping, added:-- + +"That thinking of this graceful and feeble woman, whose arms seemed +scarcely large enough to sustain the light weight of her golden +chains, he did not know how to contain himself while fancying the +irons which would wound her, and the miseries with which she would +traitorously be loaded, and from this cause came his rebellion. And +that he had licence to express his sorrow before justice, because his +life was so bound up with that of his delicious mistress and +sweetheart that on the day when evil came to her he would surely die." + +And the same young man has vociferated a thousand other praises of the +said demon, which bear witness to the vehement sorcery practised upon +him, and prove, moreover, the abominable, unalterable, and incurable +life and the fraudulent witcheries to which he is at present subject, +concerning which our lord the archbishop will judge, in order to save +by exorcisms and penitences this young soul from the snares of hell, +if the devil has not gained too strong a hold of it. + +Then we have handed back the said young nobleman into the custody of +the noble lord his father, after that by the said Hugues, the African +has been recognised as the servant of the accused. + + +In the eighth place, before us, have the footguards of our lord the +archbishop led in great state the MOST HIGH AND REVEREND LADY +JACQUELINE DE CHAMPCHEVRIER, ABBESS OF THE CONVENT OF NOTRE-DAME, +under the invocation of Mount Carmel, to whose control has been +submitted by the late seneschal of Touraine, father of Monseigneur the +Count of Roche-Corbon, present advocate of the said convent, the +Egyptian, named at the baptismal font Blanche Bruyn. + +To the said abbess we have shortly stated the present cause, in which +is involved the holy church, the glory of God, and the eternal future +of the people of the diocese afflicted with a demon, and also the life +of a creature who it was possible might be quite innocent. Then the +cause elaborated, we have requested the said noble abbess to testify +that which was within her knowledge concerning the magical +disappearance of her daughter in God, Blanche Bruyn, espoused by our +Saviour under the name of Sister Clare. + +Then has stated the very high, very noble, and very illustrious lady +abbess as follows:-- + +"The Sister Clare, of origin to her unknown, but suspected to be of an +heretic father and mother, people inimical to God, has truly been +placed in religion in the convent of which the government had +canonically come to her in spite of her unworthiness; that the said +sister had properly concluded her noviciate, and made her vows +according to the holy rule of the order. That the vows taken, she had +fallen into great sadness, and had much drooped. Interrogated by her, +the abbess, concerning her melancholy malady, the said sister had +replied with tears that she herself did not know the cause. That one +thousand and one tears engendered themselves in her at feeling no more +her splendid hair upon her head; that besides this she thirsted for +air, and could not resist her desire to jump up into the trees, to +climb and tumble about according to her wont during her open air life; +that she passed her nights in tears, dreaming of the forests under the +leaves of which in other days she slept; and in remembrance of this +she abhorred the quality of the air of the cloisters, which troubled +her respiration; that in her inside she was troubled with evil +vapours; that at times she was inwardly diverted in church by thoughts +which made her lose countenance. Then I have repeated over and over +again to the poor creature the holy directions of the church, have +reminded her of the eternal happiness which women without seeing enjoy +in paradise, and how transitory was life here below, and certain the +goodness of God, who for first certain bitter pleasures lost, kept for +us a love without end. Is spite of this wise maternal advice the evil +spirit has persisted in the said sister; and always would she gaze +upon the leaves of the trees and grass of the meadows through the +windows of the church during the offices and times of prayer; and +persisted in becoming as white as linen in order that she might stay +in her bed, and at certain times she would run about the cloisters +like a goat broken loose from its fastening. Finally, she had grown +thin, lost much of the great beauty, and shrunk away to nothing. While +in this condition by us, the abbess her mother, was she placed in the +sick-room, we daily expecting her to die. One winter's morning the +said sister had fled, without leaving any trace of her steps, without +breaking the door, forcing of locks, or opening of windows, nor any +sign whatever of the manner of her passage; a frightful adventure +which was believed to have taken place by the aid of the demon which +has annoyed and tormented her. For the rest it was settled by the +authorities of the metropolitan church that the mission of this +daughter of hell was to divert the nuns from their holy ways, and +blinded by their perfect lives, she had returned through the air on +the wings of the sorcerer, who had left her for mockery of our holy +religion in the place of our Virgin Mary." + +The which having said, the lady abbess was, with great honour and +according to the command of our lord the archbishop, accompanied as +far as the convent of Carmel. + + +In the ninth place, before us has come, agreeably to the citation +served upon him, Joseph, called Leschalopier, a money-changer, living +on the bridge at the sign of the Besant d'Or, who, after having +pledged his Catholic faith to say no other thing than the truth, and +that known to him, touching the process before the ecclesiastical +tribunal, has testified as follows:--"I am a poor father, much +afflicted by the sacred will of God. Before the coming of the Succubus +of the Rue Chaude, I had, for all good, a son as handsome as a noble, +learned as a clerk, and having made more than a dozen voyages into +foreign lands; for the rest a good Catholic; keeping himself on guard +against the needles of love, because he avoided marriage, knowing +himself to be the support of my old days, the love for my eyes, and +the constant delight of my heart. He was a son of whom the King of +France might have been proud--a good and courageous man, the light on +my commerce, the joy of my roof, and, above all, an inestimable +blessing, seeing that I am alone in the world, having had the +misfortune to lose my wife, and being too old to take another. Now, +monseigneur, this treasure without equal has been taken from me, and +cast into hell by the demon. Yes, my lord judge, directly he beheld +this mischievous jade, this she-devil, in whom it is a whole workshop +of perdition, a conjunction of pleasure and delectation, and whom +nothing can satiate, my poor child stuck himself fast into the gluepot +of love, and afterwards lived only between the columns of Venus, and +there did not live long, because in that place like so great a heat +that nothing can satisfy the thirst of this gulf, not even should you +plunge therein the germs of the entire world. Alas! then, my poor boy +--his fortune, his generative hopes, his eternal future, his entire +self, more than himself, have been engulfed in this sewer, like a +grain of corn in the jaws of a bull. By this means become an old +orphan I, who speak, shall have no greater joy than to see burning, +this demon, nourished with blood and gold. This Arachne who has drawn +out and sucked more marriages, more families in the seed, more hearts, +more Christians then there are lepers in all the lazar houses or +Christendom. Burn, torment this fiend--this vampire who feeds on +souls, this tigerish nature that drinks blood, this amorous lamp in +which burns the venom of all the vipers. Close this abyss, the bottom +of which no man can find.... I offer my deniers to the chapter for the +stake, and my arm to light the fire. Watch well, my lord judge, to +surely guard this devil, seeing that she has a fire more flaming than +all other terrestrial fires; she has all the fire of hell in her, the +strength of Samson in her hair, and the sound of celestial music in +her voice. She charms to kill the body and the soul at one stroke; she +smiles to bite, she kisses to devour; in short, she would wheedle an +angel, and make him deny his God. My son! my son! where is he at this +hour? The flower of my life--a flower cut by this feminine needlecase +as with scissors. Ha, lord! why have I been called? Who will give me +back my son, whose soul has been absorbed by a womb which gives death +to all, and life to none? The devil alone copulates, and engenders +not. This is my evidence, which I pray Master Tournebouche to write +without omitting one iota, and to grant me a schedule, that I may tell +it to God every evening in my prayer, to this end to make the blood of +the innocent cry aloud into His ears, and to obtain from His infinite +mercy the pardon for my son." + + +Here followed twenty and seven other statements, of which the +transcription in their true objectivity, in all their quality of space +would be over-fastidious, would draw to a great length, and divert the +thread of this curious process--a narrative which, according to +ancient precepts, should go straight to the fact, like a bull to his +principal office. Therefore, here is, in a few words, the substance of +these testimonies. + +A great number of good Christians, townsmen and townswomen, +inhabitants of the noble town of Tours, testified the demon to have +held every day wedding feasts and royal festivities, never to have +been seen in any church, to have cursed God, to have mocked the +priests, never to have crossed herself in any place; to have spoken +all the languages of the earth--a gift which has only been granted by +God to the blessed Apostles; to have been many times met in the +fields, mounted upon an unknown animal who went before the clouds; not +to grow old, and to have always a youthful face; to have received the +father and the son on the same day, saying that her door sinned not; +to have visible malign influences which flowed from her, for that a +pastrycook, seated on a bench at her door, having perceived her one +evening, received such a gust of warm love that, going in and getting +to bed, he had with great passion embraced his wife, and was found +dead on the morrow, that the old men of the town went to spend the +remainder of their days and of their money with her, to taste the joys +of the sins of their youth, and that they died like fleas on their +bellies, and that certain of them, while dying, became as black as +Moors; that this demon never allowed herself to be seen neither at +dinner, nor at breakfast, nor at supper, but ate alone, because she +lived upon human brains; that several had seen her during the night go +to the cemeteries, and there embrace the young dead men, because she +was not able to assuage otherwise the devil who worked in her +entrails, and there raged like a tempest, and from that came the +astringent biting, nitrous shooting, precipitant, and diabolical +movements, squeezings, and writhings of love and voluptuousness, from +which several men had emerged bruised, torn, bitten, pinched and +crushed; and that since the coming of our Saviour, who had imprisoned +the master devil in the bellies of the swine, no malignant beast had +ever been seen in any portion of the earth so mischievous, venomous +and so clutching; so much so that if one threw the town of Tours into +this field of Venus, she would there transmute it into the grain of +cities, and this demon would swallow it like a strawberry. + +And a thousand other statements, sayings, and depositions, from which +was evident in perfect clearness the infernal generation of this +woman, daughter, sister, niece, spouse, or brother of the devil, +beside abundant proofs of her evil doing, and of the calamity spread +by her in all families. And if it were possible to put them here +conformably with the catalogue preserved by the good man to whom he +accused the discovery, it would seem like a sample of the horrible +cries which the Egyptians gave forth on the day of the seventh plague. +Also this examination has covered with great honour Messire Guillaume +Tournebouche, by whom are quoted all the memoranda. In the tenth +vacation was thus closed this inquest, arriving at a maturity of +proof, furnished with authentic testimony and sufficiently engrossed +with the particulars, plaints, interdicts, contradictions, charges, +assignments, withdrawals, confessions public and private, oaths, +adjournments, appearances and controversies, to which the said demon +must reply. And the townspeople say everywhere if there were really a +she-devil, and furnished with internal horns planted in her nature, +with which she drank the men, and broke them, this woman might swim a +long time in this sea of writing before being landed safe and sound in +hell. + + +II +THE PROCEEDINGS TAKEN RELATIVE TO THIS FEMALE VAMPIRE. + +/In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen./ + + +In the year of our Lord one thousand two hundred and seventy-one, +before us, Hierome Cornille, grand penitentiary and ecclesiastical +judge to this, canonically appointed, have appeared-- + +The Sire Philippe d'Idre, bailiff of the town and city of Tours and +province of Touraine, living in his hotel in the Rue de la Rotisserie, +in Chateauneuf; Master Jehan Ribou, provost of the brotherhood and +company of drapers, residing on the Quay de Bretaingne, at the image +of St. Pierre-es-liens; Messire Antoine Jehan, alderman and chief of +the Brotherhood of Changers, residing in the Place du Pont, at the +image of St. Mark-counting-tournoise-pounds; Master Martin +Beaupertuys, captain of the archers of the town residing at the +castle; Jehan Rabelais, a ships' painter and boat maker residing at +the port at the isle of St. Jacques, treasurer of the brotherhood of +the mariners of the Loire; Mark Hierome, called Maschefer, hosier, at +the sign of Saint-Sebastian, president of the trades council; and +Jacques, called de Villedomer, master tavern-keeper and vine dresser, +residing in the High Street, at the Pomme de Pin; to the said Sire +d'Idre, and to the said citizens, we have read the following petition +by them, written, signed, and deliberated upon, to be brought under +the notice of the ecclesiastical tribunal:-- + + +PETITION + +We, the undersigned, all citizens of Tours, are come into the hotel of +his worship the Sire d'Idre, bailiff of Touraine, in the absence of +our mayor, and have requested him to hear our plaints and statements +concerning the following facts, which we intend to bring before the +tribunal of the archbishop, the judge of ecclesiastical crimes, to +whom should be deferred the conduct of the cause which we here +expose:-- + +A long time ago there came into this town a wicked demon in the form +of a woman, who lives in the parish of Saint-Etienne, in the house of +the innkeeper Tortebras, situated in the quit-rent of the chapter, and +under the temporal jurisdiction of the archiepiscopal domain. The +which foreigner carries on the business of a gay woman in a prodigal +and abusive manner, and with such increase of infamy that she +threatens to ruin the Catholic faith in this town, because those who +go to her come back again with their souls lost in every way, and +refuse the assistance of the Church with a thousand scandalous +discourses. + +Now considering that a great number of those who yielded to her are +dead, and that arrived in our town with no other wealth than her +beauty, she has, according to public clamour, infinite riches and +right royal treasure, the acquisition of which is vehemently +attributed to sorcery, or at least to robberies committed by the aid +of magical attractions and her supernaturally amorous person. + +Considering that it is a question of the honour and security of our +families, and that never before has been seen in this country a woman +wild of body or a daughter of pleasure, carrying on with such mischief +of vocation of light o' love, and menacing so openly and bitterly the +life, the savings, the morals, chastity, religion, and the everything +of the inhabitants of this town; + +Considering that there is need of a inquiry into her person, her +wealth and her deportment, in order to verify if these effects of love +are legitimate, and to not proceed, as would seem indicated by her +manners, from a bewitchment of Satan, who often visits Christianity +under the form of a female, as appears in the holy books, in which it +is stated that our blessed Saviour was carried away into a mountain, +from which Lucifer or Astaroth showed him the fertile plains of Judea +and that in many places have been seen succubi or demons, having the +faces of women, who, not wishing to return to hell, and having with +them an insatiable fire, attempt to refresh and sustain themselves by +sucking in souls; + +Considering that in the case of the said woman a thousand proofs of +diablerie are met with, of which certain inhabitants speak openly, and +that it is necessary for the repose of the said woman that the matter +be sifted, in order that she shall not be attacked by certain people, +ruined by the result of her wickedness; + +For these causes we pray that it will please you to submit to our +spiritual lord, father of this diocese, the most noble and blessed +archbishop Jehan de Monsoreau, the troubles of his afflicted flock, to +the end that he may advise upon them. + +By doing so you will fulfil the duties of your office, as we do those +of preservers of the security of this town, each one according to the +things of which he has charge in his locality. + +And we have signed the present, in the year of our Lord one thousand +two hundred and seventy-one, of All Saints' Day, after mass. + +Master Tournebouche having finished the reading of this petition, by +us, Hierome Cornille, has it been said to the petitioners-- + +"Gentlemen, do you, at the present time, persist in these statements? +have you proofs other than those come within your own knowledge, and +do you undertake to maintain the truth of this before God, before man, +and before the accused?" + +All, with the exception of Master Jehan Rabelais, have persisted in +their belief, and the aforesaid Rabelais has withdrawn from the +process, saying that he considered the said Moorish woman to be a +natural woman and a good wench who had no other fault than that of +keeping up a very high temperature of love. + +Then we, the judge appointed, have, after mature deliberation, found +matter upon which to proceed in the petition of the aforesaid +citizens, and have commanded that the woman at present in the jail of +the chapter shall be proceeded against by all legal methods, as +written in the canons and ordinances, /contra demonios/. The said +ordinance, embodied in a writ, shall be published by the town-crier in +all parts, and with the sound of the trumpet, in order to make it +known to all, and that each witness may, according to his knowledge, +be confronted with the said demon, and finally the said accused to be +provided with a defender, according to custom, and the interrogations, +and the process to be congruously conducted. + +(Signed) HIEROME CORNILLE. + +And, lower-down. + +TOURNEBOUCHE. + + +In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen. + + +In the year of our Lord one thousand two hundred and seventy-one, the +10th day of February, after mass, by command of us, Hierome Cornille, +ecclesiastical judge, has been brought from the jail of the chapter +and led before us the woman taken in the house of the innkeeper +Tortebras, situated in the domains of the chapter and the cathedral of +St. Maurice, and are subject to the temporal and seigneurial justice +of the Archbishop of Tours; besides which, in consequence of the +nature of the crimes imputed to her, she is liable to the tribunal and +council of ecclesiastical justice, the which we have made known to +her, to the end that she should not ignore it. + +And after a serious reading, entirely at will understood by her, in +the first place of the petition of the town, then of the statements, +plaints, accusations, and proceedings which written in twenty-four +quires by Master Tournebouche, and are above related, we have, with +the invocation and assistance of God and the Church, resolved to +ascertain the truth, first by interrogatories made to the said +accused. + +In the first interrogation we have requested the aforesaid to inform +us in what land or town she had been born. By her who speaks was it +answered: "In Mauritania." + +We have then inquired: "If she had a father or mother, or any +relations?" By her who speaks has it been replied: "That she had never +known them." By us requested to declare her name. By her who speaks +has been replied: "Zulma," in Arabian tongue. + +By us has it been demanded: "Why she spoke our language?" By her who +speaks has it been said: "Because she had come into this country." By +us has it been asked: "At what time?" By her who speaks has it been +replied: "About twelve years." + +By us has it been asked: "What age she then was?" By her who speaks +has it been answered: "Fifteen years or thereabout." + +By us has it been said: "Then you acknowledge yourself to be twenty- +seven years of age?" By her who speaks has it been replied: "Yes." + +By us has it been said to her: "That she was then the Moorish child +found in the niche of Madame the Virgin, baptised by the Archbishop, +held at the font by the late Lord of Roche-Corbon and the Lady of +Azay, his wife, afterwards by them placed in religion at the convent +of Mount Carmel, where by her had been made vows of chastity, poverty, +silence, and the love of God, under the divine assistance of St. +Clare?" By her who speaks has been said: "That is true." + +By us has it been asked her: "If, then, she allowed to be true the +declarations of the very noble and illustrious lady the abbess of +Mount Carmel, also the statements of Jacquette, called Vieux-Oing, +being kitchen scullion?" By the accused has been answered: "These +words are true in great measure." + +Then by us has it been said to her: "Then you are a Christian?" And by +her who speaks has been answered: "Yes, my father." + +Then by us has she been requested to make the sign of the cross, and +to take holy water from the brush placed by Master Tournebouche in her +hand; the which having been done, and by us having been witnessed, it +has been admitted as an indisputable fact, that Zulma, the Moorish +woman, called in our country Blanche Bruyn, a nun of the convent under +the invocation of Mount Carmel, there named Sister Clare, and +suspected to be the false appearance of a woman under which is +concealed a demon, has in our presence made act of religion and thus +recognised the justice of the ecclesiastical tribunal. + +Then by us have these words been said to her: "My daughter, you are +vehemently suspected to have had recourse to the devil from the manner +in which you left the convent, which was supernatural in every way." +By her who speaks has it been stated, that she at that time gained +naturally the fields by the street door after vespers, enveloped in +the robes of Jehan de Marsilis, visitor of the convent, who had hidden +her, the person speaking, in a little hovel belonging to him, situated +in the Cupidon Lane, near a tower in the town. That there this said +priest had to her then speaking, at great length, and most thoroughly +taught the depths of love, of which she then speaking was before in +all points ignorant, for which delights she had a great taste, finding +them of great use. That the Sire d'Amboise having perceived her then +speaking at the window of this retreat, had been smitten with a great +love for her. That she loved him more heartily than the monk, and fled +from the hovel where she was detained for profit of his pleasure by +Don Marsilis. And then she had gone in great haste to Amboise, the +castle of the said lord, where she had had a thousand pastimes, +hunting, and dancing, and beautiful dresses fit for a queen. One day +the Sire de la Roche-Pozay having been invited by the Sire d'Amboise +to come and feast and enjoy himself, the Baron d'Amboise had allowed +him to see her then speaking, as she came out naked from her bath. +That at this sight the said Sire de la Roche-Pozay having fallen +violently in love with her, had on the morrow discomfited in single +combat the Sire d'Amboise, and by great violence, had, is spite of her +tears, taken her to the Holy Land, where she who was speaking had +lived the life of a woman well beloved, and had been held in great +respect on account of her great beauty. That after numerous +adventures, she who was speaking had returned into this country in +spite of the apprehensions of misfortune, because such was the will of +her lord and master, the Baron de Bueil, who was dying of grief in +Asiatic lands, and desired to return to his patrimonial manor. Now he +had promised her who was speaking to preserve her from peril. Now she +who was speaking had faith and belief in him, the more so as she loved +him very much; but on his arrival in this country, the Sire de Bueil +was seized with an illness, and died deplorably, without taking any +remedies, this spite of the fervent requests which she who was +speaking had addressed to him, but without success, because he hated +physicians, master surgeons, and apothecaries; and that this was the +whole truth. + +Then by us has it been said to the accused that she then held to be +true the statements of the good Sire Harduin and of the innkeeper +Tortebras. By her who speaks has it been replied, that she recognised +as evidence the greater part, and also as malicious, calumnious, and +imbecile certain portions. + +Then by us has the accused been required to declare if she had had +pleasure and carnal commerce with all the men, nobles, citizens, and +others as set forth in the plaints and declarations of the +inhabitants. To which her who speaks has it been answered with great +effrontery: "Pleasure, yes! Commerce, I do not know." + +By us has it been said to her, that all had died by her acts. By her +who speaks has it been said that their deaths could not be the result +of her acts, because she had always refused herself to them, and the +more she fled from them the more they came and embraced her with +infinite passion, and that when she who was speaking was taken by them +she gave herself up to them with all her strength, by the grace of +God, because she had in that more joy than in anything, and has +stated, she who speaks, that she avows her secret sentiments solely +because she had been requested by us to state the whole truth, and +that she the speaker stood in great fear of the torments of the +torturers. + +Then by us has she been requested to answer, under pain of torture, in +what state of mind she was when a young nobleman died in consequence +of his commerce with her. Then by her speaking has it been replied, +that she remained quite melancholy and wished to destroy herself; and +prayed God, the Virgin, and the saints to receive her into Paradise, +because never had she met with any but lovely and good hearts in which +was no guile, and beholding them die she fell into a great sadness, +fancying herself to be an evil creature or subject to an evil fate, +which she communicated like the plague. + +Then by us has she been requested to state where she paid her orisons. + +By her speaking has it been said that she played in her oratory on her +knees before God, who according to the Evangelists, sees and hears all +things and resides in all places. + +Then by us has it been demanded why she never frequented the churches, +the offices, nor the feasts. To this by her speaking has it been +answered, that those who came to love her had elected the feast days +for that purpose, and that she speaking did all things to their +liking. + +By us has it been remonstrated that, by so doing, she was submissive +to man rather than to the commandments of God. + +Then by her speaking has it been stated, that for those who loved her +well she speaking would have thrown herself into a flaming pile, never +having followed in her love any course but that of nature, and that +for the weight of the world in gold she would not have lent her body +or her love to a king who did not love her with his heart, feet, hair, +forehead, and all over. In short and moreover the speaker had never +made an act of harlotry in selling one single grain of love to a man +whom she had not chosen to be hers, and that he who held her in his +arms one hour or kissed her on the mouth a little, possessed her for +the remainder of her days. + +Then by us has she been requested to state whence preceded the jewels, +gold plate, silver, precious stones, regal furniture, carpets, et +cetera, worth 200,000 doubloons, according to the inventory found in +her residence and placed in the custody of the treasurer of the +chapter. By the speaker answer has been made, that in us she placed +all her hopes, even as much as in God, but that she dare not reply to +this, because it involved the sweetest things of love upon which she +had always lived. And interpellated anew, the speaker has said that if +the judge knew with what fervour she held him she loved, with what +obedience she followed him in good or evil ways, with what study she +submitted to him, with what happiness she listened to his desires, and +inhaled the sacred words with which his mouth gratified her, in what +adoration she held his person, even we, an old judge, would believe +with her well-beloved, that no sum could pay for this great affection +which all the men ran after. After the speaker has declared never from +any man loved by her, to have solicited any present or gift, and that +she rested perfectly contented to live in their hearts, that she would +there curl herself up with indestructible and ineffable pleasure, +finding herself richer with this heart than with anything, and +thinking of no other thing than to give them more pleasure and +happiness than she received from them. But in spite of the iterated +refusals of the speaker her lovers persisted in graciously rewarding +her. At times one came to her with a necklace of pearls, saying, "This +is to show my darling that the satin of her skin did not falsely +appear to me whiter than pearls" and would put it on the speaker's +neck, kissing her lovingly. The speaker would be angry at these +follies, but could not refuse to keep a jewel that gave them pleasure +to see it there where they placed it. Each one had a different fancy. +At times another liked to tear the precious garments which the speaker +wore to gratify him; another to deck out the speaker with sapphires on +her arms, on her legs, on her neck, and in her hair; another to seat +her on the carpet, clad in silk or black velvet, and to remain for +days together in ecstasy at the perfections of the speaker the whom +the things desired by her lovers gave infinite pleasure, because these +things rendered them quite happy. And the speaker has said, that as we +love nothing so much as our pleasure, and wish that everything should +shine in beauty and harmonise, outside as well as inside the heart, so +they all wished to see the place inhabited by the speaker adorned with +handsome objects, and from this idea all her lovers were pleased as +much as she was in spreading thereabout gold, silks and flowers. Now +seeing that these lovely things spoil nothing, the speaker had no +force or commandment by which to prevent a knight, or even a rich +citizen beloved by her, having his will, and thus found herself +constrained to receive rare perfumes and other satisfaction with which +the speaker was loaded, and that such was the source of the gold, +plate, carpets, and jewels seized at her house by the officers of +justice. This terminates the first interrogation made to the said +Sister Clare, suspected to be a demon, because we the judge and +Guillaume Tournebouche, are greatly fatigued with having the voice of +the aforesaid, in our ears, and finding our understanding in every way +muddled. + +By us the judge has the second interrogatory been appointed, three +days from to-day, in order that the proofs of the possession and +presence of the demon in the body of the aforesaid may be sought, and +the accused, according to the order of the judge, has been taken back +to the jail under the conduct of Master Guillaume Tournebouche. + + +In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen. + + +On the thirteenth day following of the said month of the February +before us, Hierome Cornille, et cetera, has been produced the Sister +Clare above-mentioned, in order to be interrogated upon the facts and +deeds to her imputed, and of them to be convicted. + +By us, the judge, has it been said to the accused that, looking at the +divers responses by her given to the proceeding interrogatories, it +was certain that it never had been in the power of a simple woman, +even if she were authorised, if such licence were allowed to lead the +life of a loose woman, to give pleasure to all, to cause so many +deaths, and to accomplish sorceries so perfect, without the assistance +of a special demon lodged in her body, and to whom her soul had been +sold by an especial compact. That it had been clearly demonstrated +that under her outward appearance lies and moves a demon, the author +of these evils, and that she was now called upon to declare at what +age she had received the demon, to vow the agreement existing between +herself and him, and to tell the truth concerning their common evil +doings. By the speaker was it replied that she would answer us, man, +as to God, who would be judge of all of us. Then has the speaker +pretended never to have seen the demon, neither to have spoken with +him, nor in any way to desire to see him; never to have led the life +of a courtesan, because she, the speaker, had never practised the +various delights that love invents, other than those furnished by the +pleasure which the Sovereign Creator has put in the thing, and to have +always been incited more from the desire of being sweet and good to +the dear lord loved by her, then by an incessantly raging desire. But +if such had been her inclination, the speaker begged us to bear in +mind that she was a poor African girl, in whom God had placed very hot +blood, and in her brain so easy an understanding of the delights of +love, that if a man only looked at her she felt greatly moved in her +heart. That if from desire of acquaintance an amorous gentleman +touched the speaker her on any portion of the body, there passing his +hand, she was, in spite of everything, under his power, because her +heart failed her instantly. By this touch, the apprehension and +remembrance of all the sweet joys of love woke again in her breast, +and there caused an intense heat, which mounted up, flamed in her +veins, and made her love and joy from head to foot. And since the day +when Don Marsilis had first awakened the understanding of the speaker +concerning these things, she had never had any other thought, and +thenceforth recognised love to be a thing so perfectly concordant with +her nature, that it had since been proved to the speaker that in +default of love and natural relief she would have died, withered at +the said convent. As evidence of which, the speaker affirms as a +certainty, that after her flight from the said convent she had not +passed a single day or one particle of time in melancholy and sadness, +but always was she joyous, and thus followed the sacred will of God, +which she believed to have been diverted during the time lost by her +in the convent. + +To this was it objected by us, Hierome Cornille, to the said demon, +that in this response she had openly blasphemed against God, because +we had all been made to his greater glory, and placed in the world to +honour and to serve Him, to have before our eyes His blessed +commandments, and to live in sanctity, in order to gain eternal life, +and not to be always in bed, doing that which even the beasts only do +at a certain time. Then by the said sister, has answer been made, that +she honoured God greatly, that in all countries she had taken care of +the poor and suffering, giving them both money and raiment, and that +at the last judgement-day she hoped to have around her a goodly +company of holy works pleasant to God, which would intercede for her. +That but for her humility, a fear of being reproached and of +displeasing the gentlemen of the chapter, she would with joy have +spent her wealth in finishing the cathedral of St. Maurice, and there +have established foundations for the welfare of her soul--would have +spared therein neither her pleasure nor her person, and that with this +idea she would have taken double pleasure in her nights, because each +one of her amours would have added a stone to the building of this +basilic. Also the more this purpose, and for the eternal welfare of +the speaker, would they have right heartily given their wealth. + +Then by us has it been said to this demon that she could not justify +the fact of her sterility, because in spite of so much commerce, no +child had been born of her, the which proved the presence of a demon +in her. Moreover, Astaroth alone, or an apostle, could speak all +languages, and she spoke after the manner of all countries, the which +proved the presence of the devil in her. Thereupon the speaker has +asked: "In what consisted the said diversity of language?"--that of +Greek she knew nothing but a Kyrie eleison, of which she made great +use; of Latin, nothing, save Amen, which she said to God, wishing +therewith to obtain her liberty. That for the rest the speaker had +felt great sorrow, being without children, and if the good wives had +them, she believed it was because they took so little pleasure in the +business, and she, the speaker, a little too much. But that such was +doubtless the will of God, who thought that from too great happiness, +the world would be in danger of perishing. Taking this into +consideration, and a thousand other reasons, which sufficiently +establish the presence of the devil in the body of the sister, because +the peculiar property of Lucifer is to always find arguments having +the semblance of truth, we have ordered that in our presence the +torture be applied to the said accused, and that she be well tormented +in order to reduce the said demon by suffering to submit to the +authority of the Church, and have requested to render us assistance +one Francois de Hangest, master surgeon and doctor to the chapter, +charging him by a codicil hereunder written to investigate the +qualities of the feminine nature (virtutes vulvae) of the above- +mentioned woman, to enlighten our religion on the methods employed by +this demon to lay hold of souls in that way, and see if any article +was there apparent. + +Then the said Moorish women had wept bitterly, tortured in advance, +and in spite of her irons, has knelt down imploring with cries and +clamour the revocation of this order, objecting that her limbs were in +such a feeble state, and her bones so tender, that they would break +like glass; and finally, has offered to purchase her freedom from this +by the gift all her goods to the chapter, and to quit incontinently +the country. + +Upon this, by us has she been required to voluntarily declare herself +to be, and to have always been, demon of the nature of the Succubus, +which is a female devil whose business it is to corrupt Christians by +the blandishments and flagitious delights of love. To this the speaker +has replied that the affirmation would be an abominable falsehood, +seeing that she had always felt herself to be a most natural woman. + +Then her irons being struck off by the torturer, the aforesaid has +removed her dress, and has maliciously and with evil design bewildered +and attacked our understandings with the sight of her body, the which, +for a fact, exercises upon a man supernatural coercion. + +Master Guillaume Tournebouche has, by reason of nature, quitted the +pen at this period, and retired, objecting that he was unable, without +incredible temptations, which worked in his brain, to be a witness of +this torture, because he felt the devil violently gaining his person. + +This finishes the second interrogatory; and as the apparitor and +janitor of the chapter have stated Master Francois de Hangest to be in +the country, the torture and interrogations are appointed for +to-morrow at the hour of noon after mass. + +This has been written verbally by me, Hierome, in the absence of +Master Guillaume Tournebouche, on whose behalf it is signed. + +HIEROME CORNILLE +Grand Penitentiary. + + +PETITION + +Today, the fourteenth day of the month of February, in the presence of +me, Hierome Cornille, have appeared the said Masters Jehan Ribou, +Antoine Jehan, Martin Beaupertuys, Hierome Maschefer, Jacques de Ville +d'Omer, and the Sire d'Idre, in place of the mayor of the city of +Tours, for the time absent. All plaintiffs designated in the act of +process made at the Town Hall, to whom we have, at the request of +Blanche Bruyn (now confessing herself a nun of the convent of Mount +Carmel, under the name of Sister Clare), declared the appeal made to +the Judgment of God by the said person accused of demonical +possession, and her offer to pass through the ordeal of fire and +water, in presence of the Chapter and of the town of Tours, in order +to prove her reality as a woman and her innocence. + +To this request have agreed for their parts, the said accusers, who, +on condition that the town is security for it, have engaged to prepare +a suitable place and a pile, to be approved by the godparents of the +accused. + +Then by us, the judge, has the first day of the new year been +appointed for the day of the ordeal--which will be next Paschal Day-- +and we have indicated the hour of noon, after mass, each of the +parties having acknowledged this delay to be sufficient. + +And the present proclamation shall be cited, at the suit of each of +them, in all the towns, boroughs, and castles of Touraine and the land +of France, at their request and at their cost and suit. + +HIEROME CORNILLE. + + +III +WHAT THE SUCCUBUS DID TO SUCK OUT THE SOUL OF THE OLD JUDGE, AND +WHAT CAME OF THE DIABOLICAL DELECTATION. + +This the act of extreme confession made the first day of the month of +March, in the year one thousand two hundred and seventy-one, after the +coming of our blessed Saviour, by Hierome Cornille, priest, canon of +the chapter of the cathedral of St. Maurice, grand penitentiary, of +all acknowledging himself unworthy, who, finding his last hour to be +come, and contrite of his sins, evil doings, forfeits, bad deeds, and +wickednesses, has desired his avowal to be published to serve the +preconisation of the truth, the glory of God, the justice of the +tribunal, and to be an alleviation to him of his punishment, in the +other world. The said Hierome Cornille being on his deathbed, there +had been convoked to hear his declarations, Jehan de la Haye (de +Hago), vicar of the church of St. Maurice; Pietro Guyard, treasurer of +the chapter, appointed by our Lord Jean de Monsoreau, Archbishop, to +write his words; and Dom Louis Pot, a monk of maius MONASTERIUM +(Marmoustier), chosen by him for a spiritual father and confessor; all +three assisted by the great and illustrious Dr Guillaume de Censoris, +Roman Archdeacon, at present sent into the diocese (LEGATUS), by our +Holy Father the Pope; and, finally, in the presence of a great number +of Christians come to be witnesses of the death of the said Hierome +Cornille, upon his known wish to make act of public repentance, seeing +that he was fast sinking, and that his words might open the eyes of +Christians about to fall into hell. + +And before him, Hierome, who, by reason of his great weakness could +not speak, has Dom Louis Pot read the following confession to the +great agitation of the said company:-- + +"My brethren, until the seventy-first year of my age, which is the one +in which I now am, with the exception of the little sins through +which, all holy though he be, a Christian renders himself culpable +before God, but which it is allowed to us to repurchase by penitence, +I believe I led a Christian life, and merited the praise and renown +bestowed upon me in this diocese, where I was raised to the high +office of grand penitentiary, of which I am unworthy. Now, struck with +the knowledge of the infinite glory of God, horrified at the agonies +which await the wicked and prevaricators in hell, I have thought to +lessen the enormity of my sins by the greatest penitence I can show in +the extreme hour at which I am. Thus I have prayed of the Church, whom +I have deceived and betrayed, whose rights and judicial renown I have +sold, to grant me the opportunity of accusing myself publicly in the +manner of ancient Christians. I hoped, in order to show my great +repentance, to have still enough life in me to be reviled at the door +of the cathedral by all my brethren, to remain there an entire day on +my knees, holding a candle, a cord around my neck, and my feet naked, +seeing that I had followed the way of hell with regard to the sacred +instincts of the Church. But in this great shipwreck of my fragile +virtue, which will be to you as a warning to fly from vice and the +snares of the demon, and to take refuge in the Church, where all help +is, I have been so bewitched by Lucifer that our Saviour Jesus Christ +will take, by the intercession of all you whose help and prayers I +request, pity on me, a poor abused Christian, whose eyes now stream +with tears. So would I have another life to spend in works of +penitence. Now then listen and tremble with great fear! Elected by the +assembled Chapter to carry it out, instruct, and complete the process +commenced against a demon, who had appeared in a feminine shape, in +the person of a relapse nun--an abominable person, denying God, and +bearing the name of Zulma in the infidel country whence she comes; the +which devil is known in the diocese under that of Clare, of the +convent of Mount Carmel, and has much afflicted the town by putting +herself under an infinite number of men to gain their souls to Mammon, +Astaroth, and Satan--princes of hell, by making them leave this world +in a state of mortal sin, and causing their death where life has its +source, I have, I the judge, fallen in my latter days into this snare, +and have lost my senses, while acquitting myself traitorously of the +functions committed with great confidence by the Chapter to my cold +senility. Hear how subtle the demon is, and stand firm against her +artifices. While listening to the first response of the aforesaid +Succubus, I saw with horror that the irons placed upon her feet and +hands left no mark there, and was astonished at her hidden strength +and at her apparent weakness. Then my mind was troubled suddenly at +the sight of the natural perfections with which the devil was endowed. +I listened to the music of her voice, which warmed me from head to +foot, and made me desire to be young, to give myself up to this demon, +thinking that for an hour passed in her company my eternal salvation +was but poor payment for the pleasure of love tasted in those slender +arms. Then I lost that firmness with which all judges should be +furnished. This demon by me questioned, reasoned with me in such a +manner that at the second interrogatory I was firmly persuaded I +should be committing a crime in fining and torturing a poor little +creature who cried like an innocent child. Then warned by a voice from +on high to do my duty, and that these golden words, the music of +celestial appearance, were diabolical mummeries, that this body, so +pretty, so infatuating, would transmute itself into a bristly beast +with sharp claws, those eyes so soft into flames of hell, her behind +into a scaly tail, the pretty rosebud mouth and gentle lips into the +jaws of a crocodile, I came back to my intention of having the said +Succubus tortured until she avowed her permission, as this practice +had already been followed in Christianity. Now when this demon showed +herself stripped to me, to be put to the torture, I was suddenly +placed in her power by magical conjurations. I felt my old bones +crack, my brain received a warm light, my heart transhipped young and +boiling blood. I was light in myself, and by virtue of the magic +philter thrown into my eyes the snows on my forehead melted away. I +lost all conscience of my Christian life and found myself a schoolboy, +running about the country, escaped from class and stealing apples. I +had not the power to make the sign of the cross, neither did I +remember the Church, God the Father, nor the sweet Saviour of men. A +prey to this design, I went about the streets thinking over the +delights of that voice, the abominable, pretty body of this demon, and +saying a thousand wicked things to myself. Then pierced and drawn by a +blow of the devil's fork, who had planted himself already in my head +as a serpent in an oak, I was conducted by this sharp prong towards +the jail, in spite of my guardian angel, who from time to time pulled +me by the arm and defended me against these temptations, but in spite +of his holy advice and his assistance I was dragged by a million claws +stuck into my heart, and soon found myself in the jail. As soon as the +door was opened to me I saw no longer any appearance of a prison, +because the Succubus had there, with the assistance of evil genii or +fays, constructed a pavilion of purple and silk, full of perfumes and +flowers, where she was seated, superbly attired with neither irons on +her neck nor chains on her feet. I allowed myself to be stripped of my +ecclesiastical vestments, and was put into a scent bath. Then the +demon covered me with a Saracen robe, entertained me with a repast of +rare viands contained in precious vases, gold cups, Asiatic wines, +songs and marvellous music, and a thousand sweet sounds that tickled +my soul by means of my ears. At my side kept always the said Succubus, +and her sweet, delectable embrace distilled new ardour into my +members. My guardian angel quitted me. Then I lived only by the +terrible light of the Moorish woman's eyes, coveted the warm embraces +of the delicate body, wished always to feel her red lips, that I +believed natural, and had no fear of the bite of those teeth which +drew me to the bottom of hell, I delighted to feel the unequalled +softness of her hands without thinking that they were unnatural claws. +In short, I acted like husband desiring to go to his affianced without +thinking that that spouse was everlasting death. I had no thought for +the things of this world nor the interests of God, dreaming only of +love, of the sweet breasts of this woman, who made me burn, and of the +gate of hell in which I wished to cast myself. Alas! my brethren, +during three days and three nights was I thus constrained to toil +without being able to stop the stream which flowed from my reins, in +which were plunged, like two pikes, the hands of the Succubus, which +communicated to my poor old age and to my dried up bones, I know not +what sweat of love. At first this demon, to draw me to her, caused to +flow in my inside the softness of milk, then came poignant joys which +pricked like a hundred needles my bones, my marrow, my brain, and my +nerves. Then all this gone, all things became inflamed, my head, my +blood, my nerves, my flesh, my bones, and then I burned with the real +fire of hell, which caused me torments in my joints, and an +incredible, intolerable, tearing voluptuousness which loosened the +bonds of my life. The tresses of this demon, which enveloped my poor +body, poured upon me a stream of flame, and I felt each lock like a +bar of red iron. During this mortal delectation I saw the ardent face +of the said Succubus, who laughed and addressed to me a thousand +exciting words; such as that I was her knight, her lord, her lance, +her day, her joy, her hero, her life, her good, her rider, and that +she would like to clasp me even closer, wishing to be in my skin or +have me in hers. Hearing which, under the prick of this tongue which +sucked out my soul, I plunged and precipitated myself finally into +hell without finding the bottom. And then when I had no more a drop of +blood in my veins, when my heart no longer beat in my body, and I was +ruined at all points, the demon, still fresh, white, rubicund, +glowing, and laughing, said to me-- + +"'Poor fool, to think me a demon! Had I asked thee to sell thy soul +for a kiss, wouldst thou not give it to me with all thy heart?' + +"'Yes,' said I. + +"'And if always to act thus it were necessary for thee to nourish +thyself with the blood of new-born children in order always to have +new life to spend in my arms, would you not imbibe it willingly?' + +"'Yes,' said I. + +"'And to be always my gallant horseman, gay as a man in his prime, +feeling life, drinking pleasure, plunging to the depths of joy as a +swimmer into the Loire, wouldst thou not deny God, wouldst thou not +spit in the face of Jesus?' + +"'Yes,' said I. + +"Then I felt a hundred sharp claws which tore my diaphragm as if the +beaks of a thousand birds there took their bellyfuls, shrieking. Then +I was lifted suddenly above the earth upon the said Succubus, who had +spread her wings, and cried to me-- + +"'Ride, ride, my gallant rider! Hold yourself firmly on the back of +thy mule, by her mane, by her neck; and ride, ride, my gallant rider-- +everything rides!' And then I saw, as a thick fog, the cities of the +earth, where by a special gift I perceived each one coupled with a +female demon, and tossing about, and engendering in great +concupiscence, all shrieking a thousand words of love and exclamations +of all kinds, and all toiling away with ecstasy. Then my horse with +the Moorish head pointed out to me, still flying and galloping beyond +the clouds, the earth coupled with the sun in a conjunction, from +which proceeded a germ of stars, and there each female world was +embracing a male world; but in place of the words used by creatures, +the worlds were giving forth the howls of tempests, throwing up +lightnings and crying thunders. Then still rising, I saw overhead the +female nature of all things in love with the Prince of Movement. Now, +by way of mockery, the Succubus placed me in the centre of this +horrible and perpetual conflict, where I was lost as a grain of sand +in the sea. Then still cried my white mare to me, 'Ride, ride my +gallant rider--all things ride!' Now, thinking how little was a priest +in this torment of the seed of worlds, nature always clasped together, +and metals, stones, waters, airs, thunders, fish, plants, animals, +men, spirits, worlds and planets, all embracing with rage, I denied +the Catholic faith. Then the Succubus, pointing out to me the great +patch of stars seen in heavens, said to me, 'That way is a drop of +celestial seed escaped from great flow of the worlds in conjunction.' +Thereupon I instantly clasped the Succubus with passion by the light +of a thousand million of stars, and I wished in clasping her to feel +the nature of those thousand million creatures. Then by this great +effort of love I fell impotent in every way, and heard a great +infernal laugh. Then I found myself in my bed, surrounded by my +servitors, who had had the courage to struggle with the demon, +throwing into the bed where I was stretched a basin full of holy +water, and saying fervent prayers to God. Then had I to sustain, in +spite of this assistance, a horrible combat with the said Succubus, +whose claws still clutched my heart, causing me infinite pains; still, +while reanimated by the voice of my servitors, relations, and friends, +I tried to make the sacred sign of the cross; the Succubus perched on +my bed, on the bolster, at the foot, everywhere, occupying herself in +distracting my nerves, laughing, grimacing, putting before my eyes a +thousand obscene images, and causing me a thousand wicked desires. +Nevertheless, taking pity on me, my lord the Archbishop caused the +relics of St. Gatien to be brought, and the moment the shrine had +touched my bed the said Succubus was obliged to depart, leaving an +odour of sulphur and of hell, which made the throats of my servants, +friends, and others sore for a whole day. Then the celestial light of +God having enlightened my soul, I knew I was, through my sins and my +combat with the evil spirit, in great danger of dying. Then did I +implore the especial mercy, to live just a little time to render glory +to God and his Church, objecting the infinite merits of Jesus dead +upon the cross for the salvation of the Christians. By this prayer I +obtained the favour of recovering sufficient strength to accuse myself +of my sins, and to beg of the members of the Church of St.Maurice +their aid and assistance to deliver me from purgatory, where I am +about to atone for my faults by infinite agonies. Finally, I declare +that my proclamation, wherein the said demon appeals the judgment of +God by the ordeals of holy water and a fire, is a subterfuge due to an +evil design suggested by the said demon, who would thus have had the +power to escape the justice of the tribunal of the Archbishop and of +the Chapter, seeing that she secretly confessed to me, to be able to +make another demon accustomed to the ordeal appear in her place. And, +in conclusion, I give and bequeath to the Chapter of the Church of St. +Maurice my property of all kinds, to found a chapter in the said +church, to build it and adorn it and put it under the invocation of +St. Hierome and St. Gatien, of whom one is my patron and the other the +saviour of my soul." + +This, heard by all the company, has been brought to the notice of the +ecclesiastical tribunal by Jehan to la Haye (Johannes de Haga). + + +We, Jehan de la Haye (Johannes de Haga), elected grand penitentiary of +St.Maurice by the general assembly of the Chapter, according to the +usage and custom of that church, and appointed to pursue afresh the +trial of the demon Succubus, at present in the jail of the Chapter, +have ordered a new inquest, at which will be heard all those of this +diocese having cognisance of the facts relative thereto. We declared +void the other proceedings, interrogations, and decrees, and annul +them in the name of the members of the Church in general, and +sovereign Chapter assembled, and declare that the appeal to God, +traitorously made by the demon, shall not take place, in consequence +of the notorious treachery of the devil in this affair. And the said +judgment shall be cried by sound of trumpet in all parts of the +diocese in which have been published the false edicts of the preceding +month, all notoriously due to the instigation of the demon, according +to the confession of the late Hierome Cornille. + +Let all good Christians be of assistance to our Holy Church, and to +her commandments. + +JEHAN DE LA HAYE. + + +IV +HOW THE MOORISH WOMAN OF THE RUE CHAUDE TWISTED ABOUT SO BRISKLY +THAT WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY WAS SHE BURNED AND COOKED ALIVE, TO +THE GREAT LOSS OF THE INFERNAL REGIONS. + +This was written in the month of May, of the year 1360, after the +manner of a testament. + + +"My very dear and well-beloved son, when it shall be lawful for thee +to read this I shall be, I thy father, reposing in the tomb, imploring +thy prayers, and supplicating thee to conduct thyself in life as it +will be commanded thee in this rescript, bequeathed for the good +government of thy family, thy future, and safety; for I have done this +at a period when I had my senses and understanding, still recently +affected by the sovereign injustice of men. In my virile age I had a +great ambition to raise myself in the Church, and therein to obtain +the highest dignities, because no life appeared to me more splendid. +Now with this earnest idea, I learned to read and write, and with +great trouble became in a fit condition to enter the clergy. But +because I had no protection, or good advice to superintend my training +I had an idea of becoming the writer, tabellion, and rubrican of the +Chapter of St. Maurice, in which were the highest and richest +personages of Christendom, since the King of France is only therein a +simple canon. Now there I should be able better than anywhere else to +find services to render to certain lords, and thus to find a master or +gain patronage, and by this assistance enter into religion, and be +mitred and esconced in an archiepiscopal chair, somewhere or other. +But this first vision was over credulous, and a little too ambitious, +the which God caused me clearly to perceive by the sequel. In fact, +Messire Jepan de Villedomer, who afterwards became cardinal, was given +this appointment, and I was rejected, discomfited. Now in this unhappy +hour I received an alleviation of my troubles, by the advice of the +good old Hierome Cornille, of whom I have often spoken to you. This +dear man induced me, by his kindness, to become penman to the Chapter +of St. Maurice and the Archbishop of Tours, the which offer I accepted +with joy, since I was reputed a scrivener. At the time I was about to +enter into the presbytery commenced the famous process against the +devil of the Rue Chaude, of which the old folk still talk, and which +in its time, has been recounted in every home in France. Now, +believing that it would be of great advantage to my ambition, and that +for this assistance the Chapter would raise me to some dignity, my +good master had me appointed for the purpose of writing all of that +should be in this grave cause, subject to writing. At the very outset +Monseigneur Hierome Cornille, a man approaching eighty years, of great +sense, justice, and sound understanding, suspected some spitefulness +in this cause, although he was not partial to immodest girls, and had +never been involved with a woman in his life, and was holy and +venerable, with a sanctity which had caused him to be selected as a +judge, all this not withstanding. As soon as the depositions were +completed, and the poor wench heard, it remained clear that although +this merry doxy had broken her religious vows, she was innocent of all +devilry, and that her great wealth was coveted by her enemies, and +other persons, whom I must not name to thee for reasons of prudence. +At this time every one believed her to be so well furnished with +silver and gold that she could have bought the whole county of +Touraine, if so it had pleased her. A thousand falsehoods and +calumnious words concerning the girl, envied by all the honest women, +were circulated and believed in as gospel. At this period Master +Hierome Cornille, having ascertained that no demon other than that of +love was in the girl, made her consent to remain in a convent for the +remainder of her days. And having ascertained certain noble knights +brave in war and rich in domains, that they would do everything to +save her, he invited her secretly to demand of her accusers the +judgment of God, at the same time giving her goods to the chapter, in +order to silence mischievous tongues. By this means would be saved +from the stake the most delicate flower that ever heaven has allowed +to fall upon our earth; the which flower yielded only from excessive +tenderness and amiability to the malady of love, cast by her eyes into +the hearts of all her pursuers. But the real devil, under the form of +a monk, mixed himself up in this affair; in this wise: great enemy of +the virtue, wisdom, and sanctity of Monsignor Hierome Cornille, named +Jehan de la Haye, having learned that in the jail, the poor girl was +treated like a queen, wickedly accused the grand penitentiary of +connivance with her and of being her servitor, because, said this +wicked priest, she makes him young, amorous, and happy, from which the +poor old man died of grief in one day, knowing by this that Jehan de +la Haye had worn his ruin and coveted his dignities. In fact, our lord +the archbishop visited the jail, and found the Moorish woman in a +pleasant place, reposing comfortably, and without irons, because, +having placed a diamond in a place when none could have believed she +could have held it, she had purchased the clemency of her jailer. At +the time certain persons said that this jailer was smitten with her, +and that from love, or perhaps in great fear of the young barons, +lovers of this woman, he had planned her escape. The good man Cornille +being at the point of death, through the treachery of Jehan de la +Haye, the Chapter thinking it necessary to make null and void the +proceedings taken by the penitentiary, and also his decrees, the said +Jehan de la Haye, at that time a simple vicar of the cathedral, +pointed out that to do this it would be sufficient to obtain a public +confession from the good man on his death-bed. Then was the moribund +tortured and tormented by the gentleman of the Chapter, those of Saint +Martin, those of Marmoustiers, by the archbishop and also by the +Pope's legate, in order that he might recant to the advantage of the +Church, to which the good man would not consent. But after a thousand +ills, the public confession was prepared, at which the most noteworthy +people of the town assisted, and the which spread more horror and +consternation than I can describe. The churches of the diocese held +public prayers for this calamity, and every one expected to see the +devil tumble into his house by the chimney. But the truth of it is +that the good Master Hierome had a fever, and saw cows in his room, +and then was this recantation obtained of him. The access passed, the +poor saint wept copiously on learning this trick from me. In fact, he +died in my arms, assisted by his physicians, heartbroken at this +mummery, telling us that he was going to the feet of God to pray to +prevent the consummation of this deplorable iniquity. The poor Moorish +woman had touched him much by her tears and repentance, seing that +before making her demand for the judgment of God he had minutely +confessed her, and by that means had disentangled the soul divine +which was in the body, and of which he spoke as of a diamond worthy of +adorning the holy crown of God, when she should have departed this +life, after repenting her sins. Then, my dear son, knowing by the +statements made in the town, and by the naive responses of this +unhappy wretch, all the trickery of this affair, I determined by the +advice of Master Francois de Hangest, physician of the chapter, to +feign an illness and quit the service of the Church of St. Maurice and +of the archbishopric, in order not to dip my hands in the innocent +blood, which still cries and will continue to cry aloud unto God until +the day of the last judgment. Then was the jailer dismissed, and in +his place was put the second son of the torturer, who threw the +Moorish woman into a dungeon, and inhumanly put upon her hands and +feet chains weighing fifty pounds, besides a wooden waistband; and the +jail were watched by the crossbowmen of the town and the people of the +archbishop. The wench was tormented and tortured, and her bones were +broken; conquered by sorrow, she made an avowal according to the +wishes of Jehan de la Haye, and was instantly condemned to be burned +in the enclosure of St. Etienne, having been previously placed in the +portals of the church, attired in a chemise of sulphur, and her goods +given over to the Chapter, et cetera. This order was the cause of +great disturbances and fighting in the town, because three young +knights of Touraine swore to die in the service of the poor girl, and +to deliver her in all possible ways. Then they came into the town, +accompanied by thousands of sufferers, labouring people, old soldiers, +warriors, courtesans, and others, whom the said girls had succoured, +saved from misfortune, from hunger and misery, and searched all the +poor dwellings of the town where lay those to whom she had done good. +Thus all were stirred up and called together to the plain of Mount- +Louis under the protection of the soldiers of the said lords; they had +for companions all the scape-graces of the said twenty leagues around, +and came one morning to lay siege to the prison of the archbishop, +demanding that the Moorish woman should be given up to them as though +they would put her to death, but in fact to set her free, and to place +her secretly upon a swift horse, that she might gain the open country, +seeing that she rode like a groom. Then in this frightful tempest of +men have we seen between the battlements of the archiepiscopal palace +and the bridges, more than ten thousand men swarming, besides those +who were perched upon the roofs of the houses and climbing on all the +balconies to see the sedition; in short it was easy to hear the +horrible cries of the Christians, who were terribly in earnest, and of +those who surrounded the jail with the intention of setting the poor +girl free, across the Loire, the other side of Saint Symphorien. The +suffocation and squeezing of bodies was so great in this immense +crowd, bloodthirsty for the poor creature at whose knees they would +have fallen had they had the opportunity of seeing her, that seven +children, eleven women, and eight citizens were crushed and smashed +beyond all recognition, since they were like splodges of mud; in +short, so wide open was the great mouth of this popular leviathan, +this horrible monster, that the clamour was heard at Montils-les- +Tours. All cried 'Death to the Succubus! Throw out the demon! Ha! I'd +like a quarter! I'll have her skin! The foot for me, the mane for +thee! The head for me! The something for me! Is it red? Shall we see? +Will it be grilled? Death to her! death!' Each one had his say. But +the cry, 'Largesse to God! Death to the Succubus!' was yelled at the +same time by the crowd so hoarsely and so cruelly that one's ears and +heart bled therefrom; and the other cries were scarcely heard in the +houses. The archbishop decided, in order to calm this storm which +threatened to overthrow everything, to come out with great pomp from +the church, bearing the host, which would deliver the Chapter from +ruin, since the wicked young men and the lords had sworn to destroy +and burn the cloisters and all the canons. Now by this stratagem the +crowd was obliged to break up, and from lack of provisions return to +their houses. Then the monks of Touraine, the lords, and the citizens, +in great apprehension of pillage on the morrow, held a nocturnal +council, and accepted the advice of the Chapter. By their efforts the +men-at-arms, archers, knights, and citizens, in a large number, kept +watch, and killed a party of shepherds, road menders, and vagrants, +who, knowing the disturbed state of Tours, came to swell the ranks of +the malcontents. The Sire Harduin de Maille, an old nobleman, reasoned +with the young knights, who were the champions of the Moorish woman, +and argued sagely with them, asking them if for so small a woman they +wished to put Touraine to fire and sword; that even if they were +victorious they would be masters of the bad characters brought +together by them; that these said freebooters, after having sacked the +castles of their enemies, would turn to those of their chiefs. That +the rebellion commenced had had no success in the first attack, +because up to that time the place was untouched, could they have any +over the church, which would invoke the aid of the king? And a +thousand other arguments. To these reasons the young knights replied, +that it was easy for the Chapter to aid the girl's escape in the +night, and that thus the cause of the sedition would be removed. To +this humane and wise requests replied Monseigneur de Censoris, the +Pope's legate, that it was necessary that strength should remain with +the religion of the Church. And thereupon the poor wench payed for +all, since it was agreed that no inquiry should be made concerning +this sedition. + +"Then the Chapter had full licence to proceed to the penance of the +girl, to which act and ecclesiastical ceremony the people came from +twelve leagues around. So that on the day when, after divine +satisfaction, the Succubus was to be delivered up to secular justice, +in order to be publicly burnt at a stake, not for a gold pound would a +lord or even an abbott have been found lodging in the town of Tours. +The night before many camped outside the town in tents, or slept upon +straw. Provisions were lacking, and many who came with their bellies +full, returned with their bellies empty, having seen nothing but the +reflection of the fire in the distance. And the bad characters did +good strokes of business by the way. + +"The poor courtesan was half dead; her hair had whitened. She was, to +tell the truth, nothing but a skeleton, scarcely covered with flesh, +and her chains weighed more than she did. If she had had joy in her +life, she paid dearly for it at this moment. Those who saw her pass +say that she wept and shrieked in a way that should have earned the +pity of her hardest pursuers; and in the church there were compelled +to put a piece of wood in her mouth, which she bit as a lizard bites a +stick. Then the executioner tied her to a stake to sustain her, since +she let herself roll at times and fell for want of strength. Then she +suddenly recovered a vigorous handful, because, this notwithstanding, +she was able, it is said to break her cords and escape into the +church, where in remembrance of her old vocation, she climbed quickly +into galleries above, flying like a bird along the little columns and +small friezes. She was about to escape on to the roof when a soldier +perceived her, and thrust his spear in the sole of her foot. In spite +of her foot half cut through, the poor girl still ran along the church +without noticing it, going along with her bones broken and her blood +gushing out, so great fear had she of the flames of the stake. At last +she was taken and bound, thrown into a tumbrel and led to the stake, +without being afterwards heard to utter a cry. The account of her +flight in the church assisted in making the common people believe that +she was the devil, and some of them said that she had flown in the +air. As soon as the executioner of the town threw her into the flames, +she made two or three horrible leaps and fell down into the bottom of +the pile, which burned day and night. On the following evening I went +to see if anything remained of this gentle girl, so sweet, so loving, +but I found nothing but a fragment of the 'os stomachal,' in which, is +spite of this, there still remained some moisture, and which some say +still trembled like a woman does in the same place. It is impossible +to tell, my dear son, the sadnesses, without number and without equal, +which for about ten years weighed upon me; always was I thinking of +this angel burnt by wicked men, and always I beheld her with her eyes +full of love. In short the supernatural gifts of this artless child +were shining day and night before me, and I prayed for her in the +church, where she had been martyred. At length I had neither the +strength nor the courage to look without trembling upon the grand +penitentiary Jehan de la Haye, who died eaten up by lice. Leprosy was +his punishment. Fire burned his house and his wife; and all those who +had a hand in the burning had their own hands singed. + +"This, my well-beloved son, was the cause of a thousand ideas, which I +have here put into writing to be forever the rule of conduct in our +family. + +"I quitted the service of the church, and espoused your mother, from +whom I received infinite blessings, and with whom I shared my life, my +goods, my soul, and all. And she agreed with me in following precepts +--Firstly, that to live happily, it is necessary to keep far away from +church people, to honour them much without giving them leave to enter +your house, any more than to those who by right, just or unjust, are +supposed to be superior to us. Secondly, to take a modest condition, +and to keep oneself in it without wishing to appear in any way rich. +To have a care to excite no envy, nor strike any onesoever in any +manner, because it is needful to be as strong as an oak, which kills +the plants at its feet, to crush envious heads, and even then would +one succumb, since human oaks are especially rare and that no +Tournebouche should flatter himself that he is one, granting that he +be a Tournebouche. Thirdly, never to spend more than one quarter of +one's income, conceal one's wealth, hide one's goods and chattels, to +undertake no office, to go to church like other people, and always +keep one's thoughts to oneself, seeing that they belong to you and not +to others, who twist them about, turn them after their own fashion, +and make calumnies therefrom. Fourthly, always to remain in the +condition of the Tournebouches, who are now and forever drapers. To +marry your daughters to good drapers, send your sons to be drapers in +other towns of France furnished with these wise precepts, and to bring +them up to the honour of drapery, and without leaving any dream of +ambition in their minds. A draper like a Tournebouche should be their +glory, their arms, their name, their motto, their life. Thus by being +always drapers, they will be always Tournebouches, and rub on like the +good little insects, who, once lodged in the beam, made their dens, +and go on with security to the end of their ball of thread. Fifthly +never to speak any other language than that of drapery, and never to +dispute concerning religion or government. And even though the +government of the state, the province, religion, and God turn about, +or have a fancy to go to the right or to the left, always in your +quality of Tournebouche, stick to your cloth. Thus unnoticed by the +others of the town, the Tournebouches will live in peace with their +little Tournebouches--paying the tithes and taxes, and all that they +are required by force to give, be it to God, or to the king, to the +town of to the parish, with all of whom it is unwise to struggle. Also +it is necessary to keep the patrimonial treasure, to have peace and to +buy peace, never to owe anything, to have corn in the house, and enjoy +yourselves with the doors and windows shut. + +"By this means none will take from the Tournebouches, neither the +state, nor the Church, nor the Lords, to whom should the case be that +force is employed, you will lend a few crowns without cherishing the +idea of ever seeing him again--I mean the crowns. + +"Thus, in all seasons people will love the Tournebouches, will mock +the Tournebouches as poor people--as the slow Tournebouches, as +Tournebouches of no understanding. Let the know-nothings say on. The +Tournebouches will neither be burned nor hanged, to the advantage of +King or Church, or other people; and the wise Tournebouches will have +secretly money in their pockets, and joy in their houses, hidden from +all. + +"Now, my dear son, follow this the counsel of a modest and middle- +class life. Maintain this in thy family as a county charter; and when +you die, let your successor maintain it as the sacred gospel of the +Tournebouches, until God wills it that there be no longer +Tournebouches in this world." + +This letter has been found at the time of the inventory made in the +house of Francois Tournebouche, lord of Veretz, chancellor to +Monseigneur the Dauphin, and condemned at the time of the rebellion of +the said lord against the King to lose his head, and have all his +goods confiscated by order of the Parliament of Paris. The said letter +has been handed to the Governor of Touraine as an historical +curiosity, and joined to the pieces of the process in the +archbishopric of Tours, by me, Pierre Gaultier, Sheriff, President of +the Trades Council. + +The author having finished the transcription and deciphering of these +parchments, translating them from their strange language into French, +the donor of them declared that the Rue Chaude at Tours was so called, +according to certain people, because the sun remained there longer +than in all other parts. But in spite of this version, people of lofty +understanding will find, in the warm way of the said Succubus, the +real origin of the said name. In which acquiesces the author. This +teaches us not to abuse our body, but use it wisely in view of our +salvation. + + + +DESPAIR IN LOVE + +At the time when King Charles the Eighth took it into his head to +decorate the castle of Amboise, they came with him certain workmen, +master sculptors, good painters, and masons, or architects, who +ornamented the galleries with splendid works, which, through neglect, +have since been much spoiled. + +At that time the court was staying in this beautiful locality, and, as +everyone knows, the king took great pleasure in watching his people +work out their ideas. Among these foreign gentlemen was an Italian, +named Angelo Cappara, a most worthy young man, and, in spite of his +age, a better sculptor and engraver than any of them; and it +astonished many to see one in the April of his life so clever. Indeed, +there had scarcely sprouted upon his visage the hair which imprints +upon a man virile majesty. To this Angelo the ladies took a great +fancy because he was charming as a dream, and as melancholy as a dove +left solitary in its nest by the death of its mate. And this was the +reason thereof: this sculptor knew the curse of poverty, which mars +and troubles all the actions of life; he lived miserably, eating +little, ashamed of his pennilessness, and made use of his talents only +through great despair, wishing by any means to win that idle life +which is the best all for those whose minds are occupied. The +Florentine, out of bravado, came to the court gallantly attired, and +from the timidity of youth and misfortune dared not ask his money from +the king, who, seeing him thus dressed, believed him well with +everything. The courtiers and the ladies used all to admire his +beautiful works, and also their author; but of money he got none. All, +and the ladies above all, finding him rich by nature, esteemed him +well off with his youth, his long black hair, and bright eyes, and did +not give a thought to lucre, while thinking of these things and the +rest. Indeed they were quite right, since these advantages gave to +many a rascal of the court, lands, money and all. In spite of his +youthful appearance, Master Angelo was twenty years of age, and no +fool, had a large heart, a head full of poetry; and more than that, +was a man of lofty imaginings. But although he had little confidence +in himself, like all poor and unfortunate people, he was astonished at +the success of the ignorant. He fancied that he was ill-fashioned, +either in body or mind, and kept his thoughts to himself. I am wrong, +for he told them in the clear starlight nights to the shadows, to God, +to the devil, and everything about him. At such times he would lament +his fate in having a heart so warm, that doubtless the ladies avoided +him as they would a red-hot iron; then he would say to himself how he +would worship a beautiful mistress, how all his life long he would +honour her, and with what fidelity he would attach himself to her, +with what affection serve her, how studiously obey her commands, with +what sports he would dispel the light clouds of her melancholy sadness +on the days when the skies should be overcast. Fashioning himself one +out of his imagination, he would throw himself at her feet, kiss, +fondle, caress, bite, and clasp her with as much reality as a prisoner +scampers over the grass when he sees the green fields through the bars +of his cell. Thus he would appeal to her mercy; overcome with his +feelings, would stop her breath with his embraces, would become daring +in spite of his respect, and passionately bite the clothes of his bed, +seeking this celestial lady, full of courage when by himself, but +abashed on the morrow if he passed one by. Nevertheless, inflamed by +these amorous advances, he would hammer way anew at his marble +figures, would carve beautiful breasts, to bring the water into one's +mouth at the sight of those sweet fruits of love, without counting the +other things that he raised, carved, and caressed with the chisels, +smoothed down with his file, and fashioned in a manner that would make +their use intelligible to the mind of a greenhorn, and stain his +verdure in a single day. The ladies would criticise these beauties, +and all of them were smitten with the youthful Cappara. And the +youthful Cappara would eye them up and down, swearing that the day one +of them gave him her little finger to kiss, he would have his desire. + +Among these high-born ladies there came one day one by herself to the +young Florentine, asking him why he was so shy, and if none of the +court ladies could make him sociable. Then she graciously invited him +to come to her house that evening. + +Master Angelo perfumes himself, purchases a velvet mantle with a +double fringe of satin, borrows from a friend a cloak with wide +sleeves, a slashed doublet, and silken hose, arrives at the house, and +ascends the stairs with hasty feet, hope beaming from his eyes, +knowing not what to do with his heart, which leaped and bounded like a +goat; and, to sum up, so much over head and ears in love, that the +perspiration trickled down his back. + +You may be sure the lady was a beautiful, and Master Cappara was the +more aware of it, since in his profession he had studied the mouldings +of the arms, the lines of the body, the secret surroundings of the +sex, and other mysteries. Now this lady satisfied the especial rules +of art; and besides being fair and slender, she had a voice to disturb +life in its source, to stir fire of a heart, brain, and everything; in +short, she put into one's imagination delicious images of love without +thinking of it, which is the characteristic of these cursed women. + +The sculptor found her seated by the fire in a high chair, and the +lady immediately commenced to converse at her ease, although Angelo +could find no other replies than "Yes" and "No," could get no other +words from his throat nor idea in his brain, and would have beaten his +head against the fireplace but for the happiness of gazing at and +listening to his lovely mistress, who was playing there like a young +fly in the sunshine. Because, which this mute admiration, both +remained until the middle of the night, wandering slowly down the +flowery path of love, the good sculptor went away radiant with +happiness. On the road, he concluded in his own mind, that if a noble +lady kept him rather close to her skirts during four hours of the +night, it would not matter a straw if she kept him there the +remainder. Drawing from these premises certain corollaries, he +resolved to ask her favours as a simple woman. Then he determined to +kill everybody--the husband, the wife, or himself--rather than lose +the distaff whereon to spin one hour of joy. Indeed, he was so mad +with love, that he believed life to be but a small stake in the game +of love, since one single day of it was worth a thousand lives. + +The Florentine chiselled away at his statues, thinking of his evening, +and thus spoiled many a nose thinking of something else. Noticing +this, he left his work, perfumed himself, and went to listen to the +sweet words of his lady, with the hope of turning them into deeds; but +when he was in the presence of his sovereign, her feminine majesty +made itself felt, and poor Cappara, such a lion in street, looked +sheepish when gazing at his victim. This notwithstanding, towards the +hour when desire becomes heated, he was almost in the lady's lap and +held her tightly clasped. He had obtained a kiss, had taken it, much +to his delight; for, when they give it, the ladies retain the right of +refusal, but when they left it to be taken, the lover may take a +thousand. This is the reason why all of them are accustomed to let it +be taken. The Florentine has stolen a great number, and things were +going on admirably, when the lady, who had been thrifty with her +favours, cried, "My husband!" + +And, in fact, my lord had just returned from playing tennis, and the +sculptor had to leave the place, but not without receiving a warm +glance from the lady interrupted in her pleasure. This was all his +substance, pittance and enjoyment during a whole month, since on the +brink of his joy always came the said husband, and he always arrived +wisely between a point-blank refusal and those little sweet caresses +with which women always season their refusals--little things which +reanimate love and render it all the stronger. And when the sculptor, +out of patience, commenced, immediately upon his arrival, the skirmish +of the skirt, in order that victory might arrive before the husband, +to whom, no doubt, these disturbances were not without profit, his +fine lady, seeing desire written in the eyes of her sculptor, +commenced endless quarrels and altercations; at first she pretended to +be jealous in order to rail against love; then appeased the anger of +the little one with the moisture of a kiss, then kept the conversation +to herself, and kept on saying that her lover should be good, obedient +to her will, otherwise she would not yield to him her life and soul; +that a desire was a small thing to offer a mistress; that she was more +courageous, because loving more she sacrificed more, and to his +propositions she would exclaim, "Silence, sir!" with the air of a +queen, and at times she would put on an angry look, to reply to the +reproachs of Cappara: "If you are not as I wish you to be, I will no +longer love you." + +The poor Italian saw, when it was too late, that this was not a noble +love, one of those which does not mete out joy as a miser his crowns; +and that this lady took delight in letting him jump about outside the +hedge and be master of everything, provided he touched not the garden +of love. At this business Cappara became a savage enough to kill +anyone, and took with him trusty companions, his friends, to whom he +gave the task of attacking the husband while walking home to bed after +his game of tennis with the king. He came to his lady at the +accustomed hour when the sweet sports of love were in full swing, +which sports were long, lasting kisses, hair twisted and untwisted, +hand bitten with passion, ears as well; indeed, the whole business, +with the exception of that especial thing which good authors rightly +find abominable. The Florentine exclaims between two hearty kisses-- + +"Sweet one, do you love me more than anything?" + +"Yes," said she, because words never cost anything. + +"Well then," replied the lover, "be mine in deed as in word." + +"But," said she, "my husband will be here directly." + +"Is that the only reason?" said he. + +"Yes." + +"I have friends who will cross him, and will not let him go unless I +show a torch at this window. If he complain to the king, my friends +will say, they thought they were playing a joke on one of their own +set." + +"Ah, my dear," said she, "let me see if everyone in the house is gone +to bed." + +She rose, and held the light to the window. Seeing which Cappara blew +out the candle, seized his sword, and placing himself in front of the +woman, whose scorn and evil mind he recognised. + +"I will not kill you, madame," said he, "but I will mark your face in +such a manner you will never again coquette with young lovers whose +lives you waste. You have deceived me shamefully, and are not a +respectable woman. You must know that a kiss will never sustain life +in a true lover, and that a kissed mouth needs the rest. Your have +made my life forever dull and wretched; now I will make you remember +forever my death, which you have caused. You shall never again behold +yourself in a glass without seeing there my face also." Then he raised +his arm, and held the sword ready to cut off a good slice of the fresh +fair cheek, where still all the traces of his kiss remained. And the +lady exclaimed, "You wretch!" + +"Hold your tongue," said he; "you told me that you loved me better +than anything. Now you say otherwise; each evening have you raised me +a little nearer to heaven; with one blow you cast me into hell, and +you think that your petticoat can save you from a lover's wrath--No!" + +"Ah, my Angelo! I am thine," said she, marvelling at this man glaring +with rage. + +But he, stepping three paces back, replied, "Ah, woman of the court +and wicked heart, thou lovest, then, thy face better than thy lover." + +She turned pale, and humbly held up her face, for she understood that +at this moment her past perfidy wronged her present love. With a +single blow Angelo slashed her face, then left her house, and quitted +the country. The husband not having been stopped by reason of that +light which was seen by the Florentines, found his wife minus her left +cheek. But she spoke not a word in spite of her agony; she loved her +Cappara more than life itself. Nevertheless, the husband wished to +know whence preceded this wound. No one having been there except the +Florentine, he complained to the king, who had his workman hastily +pursued, and ordered him to be hanged at Blois. On the day of +execution a noble lady was seized with a desire to save this +courageous man, whom she believed to be a lover of the right sort. She +begged the king to give him to her, which he did willingly. But +Cappara declaring that he belonged entirely to his lady, the memory of +whom he could not banish entirely, entered the Church, became a +cardinal and a great savant, and used to say in his old age that he +had existed upon the remembrance of the joys tasted in those poor +hours of anguish; in which he was, at the same time, both very well +and very badly treated by his lady. There are authors saying +afterwards he succeeded better with his old sweetheart, whose cheek +healed; but I cannot believe this, because he was a man of heart, who +had a high opinion of the holy joys of love. + +This teaches us nothing worth knowing, unless it be that there are +unlucky meetings in life, since this tale is in every way true. If in +other places the author has overshot the truth, this one will gain for +him the indulgence of the conclave or lovers. + + + +EPILOGUE + +This second series comes in the merry month of June, when all is green +and gay, because the poor muse, whose slave the author is, has been +more capricious then the love of a queen, and has mysteriously wished +to bring forth her fruit in the time of flowers. No one can boast +himself master of this fay. At times, when grave thoughts occupy the +mind and grieve the brain, comes the jade whispering her merry tales +in the author's ear, tickling her lips with her feathers, dancing +sarabands, and making the house echo with her laughter. If by chance +the writer, abandoning science for pleasure, says to her, "Wait a +moment, little one, till I come," and runs in great haste to play with +the madcap, she has disappeared. She has gone into her hole, hides +herself there, rolls herself up, and retires. Take the poker, take a +staff, a cudgel, a cane, raise them, strike the wench, and rave at +her, she moans; strap her, she moans; caress her, fondle her, she +moans; kiss her, say to her, "Here, little one," she moans. Now she's +cold, now she is going to die; adieu to love, adieu to laughter, adieu +to merriment, adieu to good stories. Wear mourning for her, weep and +fancy her dead, groan. Then she raises her head, her merry laugh rings +out again; she spreads her white wings, flies one knows not wither, +turns in the air, capers, shows her impish tail, her woman's breasts, +her strong loins, and her angelic face, shakes her perfumed tresses, +gambols in the rays of the sun, shines forth in all her beauty, +changes her colours like the breast of a dove, laughs until she cries, +cast the tears of her eyes into the sea, where the fishermen find them +transmuted into pretty pearls, which are gathered to adorn the +foreheads of queens. She twists about like a colt broken loose, +exposing her virgin charms, and a thousand things so fair that a pope +would peril his salvation for her at the mere sight of them. During +these wild pranks of the ungovernable beast you meet fools and +friends, who say to the poor poet, "Where are your tales? Where are +your new volumes? You are a pagan prognosticator. Oh yes, you are +known. You go to fetes and feasts, and do nothing between your meals. +Where's your work?" + +Although I am by nature partial to kindness, I should like to see one +of these people impaled in the Turkish fashion, and thus equipped, +sent on the Love Chase. Here endeth the second series; make the devil +give it a lift with his horns, and it will be well received by a +smiling Christendom. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Droll Stories [V. 2], by de Balzac + diff --git a/old/2drll10.zip b/old/2drll10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3691b0c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/2drll10.zip |