initial commit of ebook 23087HEADmain

47 files changed, 7550 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/23087-8.txt b/23087-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bac19e7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2226 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+March 18, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 18, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 19, 2007  [eBook #23087]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 146, MARCH 18, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, David King, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 23087-h.htm or 23087-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/8/23087/23087-h/23087-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/8/23087/23087-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 146
+
+MARCH 18, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+In view of the grave importance of the present political situation, the
+price of _Punch_ will remain as heretofore.
+
+       ***
+
+"The risk of flying is very greatly exaggerated," says Mr. WINSTON
+CHURCHILL. Then why funk a General Election?
+
+       ***
+
+Some people have such a nasty way of putting things! Liberal gentleman
+to Unionist gentleman: "Well, have you taken the pledge?"
+
+       ***
+
+Attempts are now being made to establish penny postage between England
+and France. The Germans are said to feel flattered that we should still
+consider the privilege of corresponding with them worth
+two-pence-halfpenny.
+
+       ***
+
+The public indignation against the woman who damaged the "Rokeby Venus"
+continues unabated, and most inhuman propositions are being made. One
+gentleman has even been heard to suggest that the woman ought to be made
+to serve her term of imprisonment in the Royal Academy.
+
+       ***
+
+General VILLA'S statement that, unless the ransom he demands is paid at
+once, he will expose the body of the son of General TERRAZAS to the fire
+of the Federals confirms the opinion prevalent in this country that
+General VILLA is not really a very nice man.
+
+       ***
+
+    "THE BENTON INQUIRY
+
+    PROMISE THAT JUSTICE WILL BE EXECUTED."
+
+    _Observer._
+
+We were under the impression that this execution had taken place, some
+time since in Mexico, for Justice has not been seen there for a long
+time.
+
+       ***
+
+A Norfolk doctor declares that the sting of a bee is a most effective
+cure for both rheumatism and sciatica. It is also an infallible cure for
+inertia.
+
+       ***
+
+The yearly volume of judicial statistics just issued shows a marked
+decrease in business in all the courts except the Divorce Court; and
+there is some talk of the legal profession erecting a statue of a
+co-respondent as a mark of their appreciation.
+
+       ***
+
+Persons who like to be seen reading a two-penny newspaper are now in a
+quandary since the price of _The Times_ has been reduced, and it is
+again rumoured that, in order to cater for this class, an unsuccessful
+halfpenny paper is about to raise its price to twopence.
+
+       ***
+
+Sussex has been suffering from an epidemic of sheep-stealing. The police
+theory is that the sheep are carried off at night in motor cars--the
+silly creatures, accepting with alacrity the novel offer of a ride in an
+automobile.
+
+       ***
+
+Several prominent authors having stated that their best ideas come to
+them while taking a tub, quite a number of unsuccessful scribes have, we
+hear, almost made up their minds to the experiment of one bath a week.
+
+       ***
+
+In an Introductory Note to the serial publication of _The Woman Thou
+Gavest Me_, entitled "Why I wrote the Story," the Master attempts to
+shift the blame--or, anyhow, to apportion the responsibility. One day,
+it seems, Mr. CAINE heard the story which forms the basis of the novel.
+He first told it to a Cabinet Minister, who was "visibly touched." He
+next tried it on a tailor, who was "just as obviously affected." Then
+comes this delicious passage:--"After that I called on my publisher and,
+not being able to get the story out of my thoughts, I told it to him as
+well. His eyes filled, his head dropped, and he was as deeply touched as
+I and the tailor and the Cabinet Minister had been." It is generally
+understood that Mr. HEINEMANN has since had a complete recovery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOOKING WELL FORWARD.
+
+[Illustration: _First Survivor from Wreck_ (_to Second Survivor_.)
+"'Ow much ought we to ask off the music-'alls when we get
+back--'undred-an'-fifty quid a week or two 'undred?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Owing to the number of rats and crickets in her bedroom a nurse
+    employed by the Dudley Board of Guardians, it was stated at the
+    meeting of the board yesterday, had resigned.
+
+    "It was decided to engage a professional rat-catcher."--_Daily
+    Mail._
+
+It is, however, not altogether satisfactory to be nursed by a
+professional rat-catcher, and some of the patients are already
+complaining most bitterly of the change.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAT.
+
+"Of course," said the lady of the house, "you can turn yourself into a
+hermit if you like. We'll build you a little cell, and----"
+
+"What?" I said. "A real hermit, in a long robe like a bath-gown? With a
+real cell, and a dish of herbs on a plain deal table, and some rocks to
+sleep on, and a folio volume always open at the same place? May I really
+be like that?"
+
+"Yes," she said, "that's what you're coming to. And there'll be a notice
+stuck up on a tree--'This way to the Hermit,' with a painted hand."
+
+"I know the sort," I said. "A hand with only one finger."
+
+"Yes, one finger pointing in the direction of the cell. And all the
+village children will follow you when you go out, and you'll threaten
+them with a gnarled stick, and you'll be indicted as a nuisance."
+
+"But not for a long time," I said. "I shall have lots of good hermiting
+before that happens. I shall have my breakfasts quite alone and nobody
+will ask me to go to Mrs. Latimer's musical afternoon in London, 4 to
+7."
+
+"Well, you're not a hermit yet, so you'll have to come to Mrs. Latimer's
+with me. You know you'll enjoy it when you get there."
+
+"I won't."
+
+"And you'll meet plenty of your friends."
+
+"But I don't want to meet my friends," I said. "Friends are people yon
+go on being friends with without meeting them. That's the essence of
+true friendship, you know. Absence doesn't alter it. You keep on
+thinking of dear old Jack and what fun you used to have together at
+Cambridge; and then some day a funny old gentleman comes up to you in
+the street and says you don't remember him, and you pretend you know him
+quite well, and it's Jack all the time, and you wonder how he's got so
+old while you yourself have kept on being as young as ever. That's
+friendship."
+
+"This," she said, "is not an Essay Club."
+
+"What should a woman know of friendship?" I said bitterly. "Besides, I
+shall have to get a new top-hat."
+
+"Well," she said, "there's nothing so very awful in that. But what's the
+matter with the old one?"
+
+"The old one," I said, "is a blacked sepulchre, and even the black part
+of it is not very good. The lining is of the sort that makes it
+necessary to place it on a table with the opening down. Fortunate woman,
+your hats require no lining and you don't take them off. You cannot
+sympathise with my feelings. Such a top-hat as mine is good enough for a
+Board meeting, but it cannot go to Mrs. Latimer's musical afternoon. Her
+footman would despise me."
+
+"Very well," she said, "get your new hat and have it ready for this day
+fortnight."
+
+The upshot of this conversation was that on the following day I went to
+London, wearing my old top-hat, and called at Messrs. Hutchfield's, the
+famous hatters. It is not a very large shop, but it is very high, and
+something like a million white hat-boxes, each presumably containing a
+hat, are stacked in gleaming tiers from floor to ceiling. The higher
+ones are fetched down by means of a long pole provided at one end with a
+sort of inverted hook. It is a most dexterous and pleasing trick, only
+to be attempted by an old hand. An inexperienced practitioner would
+certainly bring down an avalanche of hat-boxes on the heads of the
+customers. On one side of the room there is a patent stove in which
+several irons were heating, not for torture, but for the improvement of
+hats. Several aproned attendants were bustling about, and one or two
+customers with bare heads were eyeing one another with an exaggerated
+air of haughty nonchalance, as who should say, "Observe, we do not wear
+white aprons. We do not _belong_ to the shop. We are genuine customers.
+We are waiting for our hats."
+
+"Good morning," I said.
+
+"Good morning, Sir," said one of the attendants; "what would you be
+requiring to-day?"
+
+"I think," I said, "it was a hat. Yes, I'm sure it was. A top-hat, you
+know--one of your best."
+
+"Pardon me, Sir." With a graceful and airy movement he whisked off my
+old hat and took its measure in length and breadth.
+
+"You mustn't draw any inference from the lining," I said. "I'm not
+really as poor as all that. I've meant to have it re-lined several
+times, but somehow I never brought it off. Still, it's been a good hat."
+
+"Yes, Sir," he said.
+
+"Could it be----"
+
+"Oh, yes, Sir, we could re-line it for you and make it look almost as
+good as new."
+
+"Splendid!" I cried. "Then I shan't want a new one, shall I?"
+
+"Well, Sir, it would take some little time. You would want to wear
+something to go on with till it's finished."
+
+"There is," I said, "some force in that. Put the machine on me at once."
+
+"The what, Sir?"
+
+"The machine," I said. "The beautifully contrived, apparatus made of
+ever so many wooden keys like the inside of a piano--only those are set
+in circles. It fits close to the head and you can make it looser or
+tighter, and when you've got it on you look like a Siamese king in his
+crown. And when you take it off you tear out a piece of paper and that
+gives you the exact measure to a hair's-breadth. Come, I'm ready."
+
+His face relaxed into a serious kind of smile.
+
+"Certainly," he said, "you shall have it on, Sir, if you like. But I
+thought, being an old customer and your measure being known, it might
+not be necessary."
+
+"Very well," I said, "I'll give up the machine, but I don't see how I
+can take any further pleasure in this purchase. Still, if you know me so
+well----"
+
+"We don't forget customers of thirty years' standing," he said proudly.
+
+"That settles it," I said. "I will now buy four hats--a top-hat, a
+bowler, a soft felt and a straw hat."
+
+"Yes, Sir," he said, and from an upper tier he extracted a hat-box out
+of which he shortly produced a top-hat and placed it on my head. It did
+not fit at first, but fire soon reduced it to obedience.
+
+"The others must be similarly treated," I said as I left the shop.
+
+Unfortunately in the interval it had begun to rain and every taxi seemed
+to be taken. You know what a new top-hat looks like after that. However,
+with two hats to choose from, I am now ready to face Mrs. Latimer's
+footman.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It has been arranged that the dinner which the Modern Languages
+    Association had intended to give to Professor Rudolf Eucken, of
+    Jena, on the occasion of his forthcoming visit to England to
+    lecture before the Association, shall be amalgamated with the
+    public dinner arranged by the Committee of Friends and Admirers
+    of Professor Eucken."--_Morning Post._
+
+_Professor Eucken (at last giving way)_: "What _is_ this, waiter?"
+
+_Waiter (confidentially)_: "Another little amalgamation, Sir. The Modern
+Languages' ice pudding and the Friends and Admirers' soft roes on
+toast."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PENNY WISDOM.
+
+[Illustration: "In view of the grave importance of the present political
+situation _The Times_ will be reduced in price to a penny."--_Press
+Association_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Reclining Nut_. "I don't bother to hold the girls
+now-a-days, I just let 'em nestle."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NEW PENNY PAPER.
+
+Thanks to Sir EDWARD CARSON--or, as _The Times_ prefers to put it, "the
+grave importance of the present political situation"--the price of _The
+Times_ has fallen to one penny.
+
+While it must be admitted that the famous journal is well worth a penny,
+we think it only fair to say that certain issues of _The Daily Mail_ and
+_Evening News_ last week, whose amazing editorial organisations were so
+freely and disinterestedly engaged in overcoming colossal obstacles in
+order to give information about the approaching revolution, were worth
+anything from fourpence to ninepence apiece.
+
+If these philanthropic journals had not been behind _The Times_ last
+week, what might we not have missed? Who, for instance, would have
+learned that; "the price (2d.) ... was equivalent to that of one penny
+paper and two halfpenny papers _per diem_"? We have checked that
+statement, with the aid of a ready-reckoner and a Latin dictionary, and
+we find it substantially correct. We are also able to agree to the
+further statement made last Thursday, that "from Monday next _The
+Times_, together with any one of the halfpenny morning papers, will be
+obtainable for less than the present price of _The Times_ alone." If the
+mathematician who dug up that fact had said "evening" instead of
+"morning" his statement, curiously enough, would still have been right.
+
+Thanks to the reminder from _The Evening News_ that first numbers had
+been known to become valuable, fetching from £10 to £100, some 27,000
+people put aside nice clean copies of _The Times_ on Monday, in the hope
+of selling them at a profit of about 24,000 per cent, in 1964.
+
+The greatest achievement in the annals of journalism was of course _The
+Daily Mail_ man's successful attempt to interview the publisher of _The
+Times_. How he managed it we cannot think; but we are very, very
+grateful to him. We may add that ours is the only journal that has
+succeeded in interviewing the intrepid reporter. "How did you contrive
+to force your way through the seething mass in Printing House Square,
+and pass the closely-guarded portals of the world's chief and largest
+newspaper office; and by what means did you persuade the Colossus of
+publishing to tell you anything about it?" we asked. We regret that we
+cannot give his reply; only the incomparable genius of the painter of
+_La Gioconda_ could do that.
+
+A curious incident took place outside the Mansion House on Monday. In
+the Agony Column of a famous two-penny newspaper on Saturday the
+following announcement had appeared: "Will wate f. u. outsd. Mansn. Hs.
+10-11 Mon. morn. Carry cop. _Times_ so I may no its u." A frantic lady
+rushed at so many young and middle-aged men, exclaiming, "Horace! at
+last we meet!" that long before 10.30 it was necessary for a kindly City
+policeman to lead her away to a neighbouring chemist's for first aid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The fact that to-day is the 104th anniversary of the birth of
+    Mr. Gladstone prompts reflection as to the different ways in
+    which their birthdays have been regarded by some famous
+    men."--_Westminster Gazette._
+
+_The Writer (as he finishes)_: "Got it in at last, thank Heaven!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A number of motor-cars, including one belonging to Mr. Lloyd
+    George, are blocked in the Snowdon district, and the sheep
+    farmers are much perturbed."--_Morning Post._
+
+However, they can sleep soundly in their beds now, for he is back in
+London again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SLIT TROUSER.
+
+(Whose arrival in England is reported in the photographic press.)
+
+  You who see advanced attire
+    Photographed for you to mock,
+  Hold your ridicule or ire,
+    Wax not scornful at the shock;
+  Let not your compassion freeze,
+    Hark to Archie for a bit,
+  Ponder, if you please, his pleas,
+    Patience, ere you slight his slit.
+
+  Long there raged a warfare grim
+    In the councils of the Nut;
+  Socks were all in all to him
+    Abso-simply-lutely; _but_--
+  Here's a problem for you pat--
+    How shall Archibald disclose
+  Through the thickness of the spat
+    Iridescent demi-hose?
+
+  Yesteryear that problem vexed;
+    One day spatted he would fare,
+  Lacking colour; and the next
+    Spatless, in chromatic wear.
+  No dilemma reads him now,
+    Bidding this or that to go.
+  See, his side-cleft bags allow
+    Spat and sock an equal show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TACT.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Anchor always wears a moustache for the soup course
+whenever his uncle, the general (from whom he has expectations), dines
+with him.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DASH."
+
+"There's no book like it," said A. "Get it at once."
+
+"You must read _Dash_," said B.
+
+"If you take my advice," said C., "and you know I'm not easily pleased
+by modern fiction, you'll get _Dash_ and simply peg away till you've
+finished it. It's marvellous."
+
+"I suppose you've read Darnock's _Dash_?" said D. "It's by far his best
+thing."
+
+At dinner my partner on each side gurglingly wished to know how I liked
+_Dash_, taking it for granted that I knew it more or less by heart.
+
+So having read some of Darnock's earlier work and thought it good, I
+acquired a copy of _Dash_ and settled down to it.
+
+I had not read more than two pages when it occurred to me that I ought
+to know what the other books in the library parcel were; so I went to
+look at them. One was a series of episodes in the career of a wonderful
+blind policeman who, in spite of his infirmity, performed prodigies of
+tact on point duty, and by the time I had finished glancing through this
+it was bed-time. I put _Dash_ under my arm, for I always read for
+half-an-hour or so in bed. How it happened I cannot imagine, but when I
+picked up the book and began to read I found, much to my surprise, that
+it was the other library novel.
+
+"Have you begun _Dash_ yet?" B. asked me at lunch.
+
+"Oh, yes, rather," I said.
+
+"I envy you," he replied. "How far have you got?"
+
+"Not very far yet," I said.
+
+"It's fine, isn't it?" he remarked.
+
+"Fine."
+
+The next evening I had just taken up _Dash_ again when I remembered that
+that other novel must be finished if it was to be changed on the morrow,
+so I turned dutifully to that instead. It was a capital story about a
+criminal who murdered people in an absolutely undetectable way by
+lending them a poisoned pencil which would not mark until the point was
+moistened. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
+
+The next evening I was getting on famously with the fifth page of _Dash_
+when the library parcel again arrived, containing two new books for
+those I had returned in the morning.
+
+Meeting C. the next day he asked me if I did not think _Dash_ the finest
+thing I had ever read.
+
+I said yes, but asked him if he had not found it a little difficult to
+get into.
+
+"Possibly," he said, "possibly. But what a reward!"
+
+"You like books all in long conversations?" I asked.
+
+"I love _Dash_," he said, "anyway."
+
+"Did you read every word?" I asked.
+
+"Well, not perhaps every word," he replied, "but I got the sense of
+every page. I read like that, you know--synthetically."
+
+"Yes, of course," I said.
+
+The next day I changed the two library books that were finished for two
+more, but it was _Dash_ which I took up first. There is no doubt about
+its being a very remarkable book, but I had had a rather heavy day and
+my brain was not at its best. What extraordinary novels people do write
+nowadays! Fancy making a whole book, as the author of _Hot Maraschino_
+has done, out of the Elberfeldt talking horses! In this book, which has
+an excellent murder in a stable in it, the criminal is given away by a
+horse who tells her master (it is a mare) what she saw. I couldn't lay
+the story down.
+
+That night I dined out and heard more about _Dash_. In fact, I myself
+started one long conversation on that topic with an idle lady who really
+had read every word. I went on to recommend it right and left. "You must
+read _Dash_," I said at intervals; "it's extraordinarily good."
+
+"Some one was telling me he couldn't get on with it at all," said one of
+my partners.
+
+"Not really?" I said, and clicked my tongue reproachfully.
+
+"Yes, he says it's so involved and rambling."
+
+"Ah, well," I said, "one must persevere. Books mustn't be too easy. For
+my part----Yes, champagne, please."
+
+"I'll get it, anyway," she said. "I feel sure your judgment is sound."
+
+Looking in at the club later I found D. playing snooker. After missing
+an easy shot he turned the talk to _Dash_.
+
+"Tip-top, isn't it?" he said.
+
+"Which is your favourite chapter?" I asked.
+
+His face told me I had him.
+
+"Oh, well, that's difficult to say," he replied.
+
+"Surely you think that one about the stevedore's spaniel, towards the
+end, is terrific?" I said.
+
+"Of course that's fine," he replied, "but I was just wondering
+whether----"
+
+But I didn't stop to listen. There is no stevedore and no spaniel in the
+whole book, as I had carefully ascertained.
+
+The next day I had A., B. and C. with the same device.
+
+Meanwhile I am plodding away with _Dash_. I have now reached page 27. A
+great book, as all agree. But the books that I shall read while I am
+reading it will make a most interesting list.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Scene--_Arrivals at Fancy Dress Ball_.
+
+_Policeman._ "Now then, come along there, come along."
+
+_Taxi-Driver._ "'Arf a jiff, Copper; I think they've stitched Romeo's
+money into 'is backbone."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HARD CASE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As the friend of my family from 1846, I ask you for
+advice on a subject which touches me painfully both as a husband and a
+father. My wife is, as I personally know, the dearest woman in Great
+Britain, and our child is, I am credibly informed, the finest child in
+Europe. _Infandum renovare dolorem._
+
+Our child is four months old; it is named Eunice. Yesterday I found my
+dear wife with the infant weeping piteously--my wife, that is, not the
+infant. I proceeded at once to use all the means in my power to soothe
+her and to ascertain the reason of her unhappy state. But it was only
+after a considerable time and the expenditure of no little ingenuity on
+my part that she revealed the secret.
+
+"I knew how it would be, John," she said between her sobs, "I knew from
+the first. I felt sure that, when baby came you wouldn't care for her.
+And--and you _don't_."
+
+I at once took the child in my arms and guggled to it. The child, I am
+happy to tell you, Sir, responded at once to my paternal attention and
+guggled happily in reply. I felt patriotic pride in the part I had taken
+in adding to the womanhood of my beloved country.
+
+A few days later I found my wife sobbing violently. Carrying the child
+with me--it was still guggling--I crossed to her and again used my best
+endeavours, not only in consolation, but to ascertain the cause of her
+fresh unhappiness. Again it was long before I obtained a reply. But at
+last she said: "I knew how it would be, John," her sobbing was as
+violent as before, "I knew from the first. I felt sure that when baby
+came you would only care for her and neglect me."
+
+Now, Sir, what shall I do?
+
+Your inquiring admirer,
+
+Matthew Haile.
+
+P.S.--My wife is sobbing again as I write. I have at last ascertained
+her trouble. It is that I don't care for the baby.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The other night a rabbit ran for a quarter-of-a-mile in the
+    flare of a lighted motor-car on the Eggleston road."--_Teesdale
+    Mercury._
+
+"I hope," puffed the rabbit, well within record at the end of the
+fourteenth lap, "I hope it won't burn itself out before I've finished."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To accomplish this distance at an average speed of 20 miles per
+    hour would take 28½ hours. To this time, however, had to be
+    added the Channel crossing both ways, which takes, roughly,
+    about eight hours."--_Motor Cycling._
+
+"Roughly" is good, alas!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is difficult to order our emotions as we would have them be. Try as
+we will, we cannot read aloud the following extract from _The Birmingham
+Weekly Post_ with the solemnity which properly it should call forth:--
+
+    "A feature of the programme was the opening chorus. During this
+    a lady gardener in male attire arrived on the stage with a
+    wheelbarrow full of vegetables, and caused amusement by throwing
+    these among the audience. Presently the missiles commenced to
+    hit persons, one victim, being the vicar, who, struck in the eye
+    by a turnip, was compelled to retire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORANGES AND LEMONS.
+
+II.--On the way.
+
+"Toulon," announced Archie, as the train came to a stop and gave out its
+plaintive dying whistle. "Naval port of our dear allies, the French.
+This would interest Thomas."
+
+"If he weren't asleep," I said.
+
+"He'll be here directly," said Simpson from the little table for two on
+the other side of the gangway. "I'm afraid he had a bad night. Here,
+_garçon_--er--_donnez-moi du café et_--er"--But the waiter had slipped
+past him again--the fifth time.
+
+"Have some of ours," said Myra kindly, holding out the pot.
+
+"Thanks very much, Myra, but I may as well wait for Thomas,
+and--_garçon, du café pour_--I don't think he'll be--_deux cafés,
+garçon, s'il vous_--it's going to be a lovely day."
+
+Thomas came in quietly, sat down opposite Simpson, and ordered
+breakfast.
+
+"Samuel wants some too," said Myra.
+
+Thomas looked surprised, grunted and ordered another breakfast.
+
+"You see how easy it is," said Archie. "Thomas, we're at Toulon, where
+the _ententes cordiales_ come from. You ought to have been up long ago
+taking notes for the Admiralty."
+
+"I had a rotten night," said Thomas. "Simpson fell out of bed in the
+middle of it."
+
+"Oh, poor Samuel!"
+
+"You don't mean to say you gave him the top berth!" I asked in surprise.
+"You must have known he'd fall out."
+
+"But Thomas dear, surely Samuel's just falling-out-of-bed noise wouldn't
+wake you up," said Myra. "I always thought you slept so well."
+
+"He tried to get back into _my_ bed."
+
+"I was a little dazed," explained Simpson hastily, "and I hadn't got my
+spectacles."
+
+"Still you ought to have been able to see Thomas there."
+
+"Of course I did see him as soon as I got in, and then I remembered I
+was up above. So I climbed up."
+
+"It must be rather difficult climbing up at night," thought Dahlia.
+
+"Not if you get a good take-off, Dahlia," said Simpson earnestly.
+
+"Simpson got a good one off my face," explained Thomas.
+
+"My dear old chap, I was frightfully sorry. I did come down at once and
+tell you how sorry I was, didn't I?"
+
+"You stepped back on to it," said Thomas shortly, and he turned his
+attention to the coffee.
+
+Our table had finished breakfast. Dahlia and Myra got up slowly, and
+Archie and I filled our pipes and followed them out.
+
+"Well, we'll leave you to it," said Archie to the other table.
+"Personally, I think it's Thomas's turn to step on Simpson. You ought to
+assert yourself, Thomas, anyhow. Throw some jam at him and then let
+bygones be bygones. But don't be long, because there's a good view
+coming."
+
+The good view came, and then another and another, and they merged
+together and became one long moving panorama of beauty. We stood in the
+corridor and drank it in ... and at intervals we said "Oh-h!" and "Oh, I
+say!" and "Oh, I say, _really!_" And there was one particular spot--I
+wish I could remember where, so that it might be marked by a suitable
+tablet--at the sight of which Simpson was overheard to say "_Mon Dieu_!"
+for (probably) the first time in his life.
+
+"You know, all these are olive trees, you chaps," he said every five
+minutes. "I wonder if there are any olives growing on them?"
+
+"Too early," said Archie. "It's the sardine season now."
+
+It was at Cannes that we saw the first oranges.
+
+"That does it," I said to Myra. "We're really here. And look, there's a
+lemon tree. Give me the oranges and lemons and you can have all the
+palms and the cactuses and the olives."
+
+"Like polar bears in the arctic region," said Myra.
+
+I thought for a moment. Superficially there is very little resemblance
+between an orange and a polar bear.
+
+"Like polar bears," I said hopefully.
+
+"I mean," luckily she went on, "polar bears do it for you in the polar
+regions. You really know you're there then. Give me the polar bears, I
+always say, and you can keep the seals and the walruses and the
+penguins. It's the hall-mark."
+
+"Eight. I knew you meant something. In London," I went on, "it is
+raining. Looking out of my window I see a lamp-post (not in flower)
+beneath a low grey sky. Here we see oranges against a blue sky a million
+miles deep. What a blend! Myra, let's go to a fancy-dress ball when we
+got back. You go as an orange and I'll go as a very blue, blue sky, and
+you shall lean against me."
+
+"And we'll dance the tangerine," said Myra.
+
+But now observe us approaching Monte Carlo. For an hour past Simpson has
+been collecting his belongings. Two bags, two coats, a camera, a rug,
+Thomas, golf-clubs, books--his compartment is full of things which have
+to be kept under his eye lest they should evade him at the last moment.
+As the train leaves Monaco his excitement is intense.
+
+"I think, old chap," he says to Thomas, "I'll wear the coats after all."
+
+"And the bags," says Thomas, "and then you'll have a suit."
+
+Simpson puts on the two coats and appears very big and hot.
+
+"I'd better have my hands free," he says, and straps the camera and the
+golf clubs on to himself. "Then if you nip out and get a porter I can
+hand the bags out to him through the window."
+
+"All right," says Thomas. He is deep in his book and looks as if he were
+settled in his corner of the carriage for the day.
+
+The train stops. There is bustle, noise, confusion. Thomas in some
+magical way has disappeared. A porter appears at the open window and
+speaks voluble French to Simpson. Simpson looks round wildly for Thomas.
+"Thomas!" he cries. "_Un moment_," he says to the porter. "Thomas! _Mon
+ami, il n'est pas_----I say, Thomas, old chap, where are you? _Attendez
+un moment. Mon ami_--er--_reviendra_"--He is very hot. He is wearing,
+in addition to what one doesn't mention, an ordinary waistcoat, a woolly
+waist-coat for steamer use, a tweed coat, an aquascutum, an ulster, a
+camera and a bag of golf clubs. The porter, with many gesticulations, is
+still hurling French at him.
+
+It is too much for Simpson. He puts his head out of the window and,
+observing in the distance a figure of such immense dignity that it can
+only belong to the station-master, utters to him across the hurly-burly
+a wild call for help.
+
+"_Où est_ Cook's _homme_?" he cries.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE GREAT CONFLICT.
+
+    1886----1914----?
+
+    The End is Not Yet.
+
+    To-morrow."
+
+    _Observer._
+
+Well, well! After twenty-eight years we can wait another day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ESSAY CLUB: _March 1st_. The Poetry of John Masefield, _or_
+    Vegetarianism--is it more Humane?"--_Time and Talents._
+
+Less blood-stained, anyhow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter in _The Natal Mercury_ headed "Butter through the Post":--
+
+    "We send it to Donnybrook by the quickest method, i.e., on the
+    post-card."
+
+We have often found some on our post-cards.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GALLANT SONS OF MARS.
+
+    ["A troop of the Queen's Bays, 2nd Dragoon Guards, while
+    galloping past the Royal Pavilion at Aldershot, observed a woman
+    fall from her bicycle in a faint.
+
+    "They instantly drew rein, and, dismounting, assisted her to the
+    5th Dragoon Guards orderly room, where they vied with each other
+    in giving her every possible attention.
+
+    "She speedily recovered and was able to resume her journey to
+    Farnborough."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+[Illustration: A young lady, while walking by a kiosk in which the band
+of the Royal Heavies was performing, by a mischance got a fly in her
+eye. Perceiving her plight, the bandsmen immediately ceased playing and
+ran to her assistance, each contesting with the other to remove the
+offending insect.]
+
+[Illustration: In a high wind last week on Laffan's Plain an old
+gentleman lost his umbrella. Some Lancers taking part in a sham fight at
+once went in pursuit and speedily restored the recalcitrant article to
+its grateful owner.]
+
+[Illustration: Last Saturday, while at play, a small boy had the
+misfortune to lose his hold of a toy-balloon. A squadron of the Army
+Flying Corps, witnessing the little fellow's grief, at once rendered
+assistance and, with the aid of a monoplane, quickly retrieved the
+bauble.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady (to elderly and confidential maid)_. "I've often
+wondered why you've never married, Simpson?"
+
+_Simpson (disdainfully)_. "I don't like men in any form, my lady."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WILD SWAN.
+
+(Lament on a very rare bird who recently appeared in England and was
+immediately shot.)
+
+  Over the sea (ye maids) a wild swan came;
+    (O maidens) it was but the other day;
+  Men saw him as he passed, with earnest aim
+    To some sequestered spot down Norfolk way--
+  A thing whose like had not been seen for years:
+  _Lament, ye damsels, nor refuse your tears_.
+
+  Serene, he winged his alabaster flight
+    Neath the full beams of the mistaken sun
+  O'er gazing crowds, till at th' unwonted sight
+    Some unexpected sportsman with a gun
+  Brought down the bird, all fluff, mid sounding cheers:
+  _Mourn, maidens, mourn, and wipe the thoughtful tears_.
+
+  Well you may weep. No common bird was he.
+    Has it not long been known, the whole world wide,
+  A wild swan is a prince of faerie,
+    Who comes in such disguise to choose his bride
+  From those of humble lot and tame careers,
+  _Of whom I now require some punctual tears_.
+
+  Wherefore, I say, let every scullion-wench
+    Grieve, nor the dairy-maid from sobs refrain;
+  The sad postmistress, too, should feel the wrench,
+    And the lone tweeny of her loss complain;
+  Let one--let all afflict the listening spheres:
+  _Deplore, ye maids, his fate with rueful tears_.
+
+  It was for these he sought this teeming land,
+  High on the silvery wings of old romance;
+  One knows not where; he had bestowed his hand,
+  But e'en the least had stood an equal chance
+  Of such fair triumph, o'er her bitter peers
+  _And the sweet pleasure of their anguished tears_.
+
+  O prince of faerie! O stately swan!
+    And ye, whose hopes are with the might-have-beens,
+  Curst be the wretch through whom those hopes have gone,
+    Who blew your magic swain to smithereens;
+  Let your full-sorrows whelm his stricken ears;
+  _Lament, ye damsels, nor refuse your tears_.
+
+Dum-dum.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Lady's Realm_ on a new film:--
+
+    "The cost from first to last amounted to £12,000 ... The entire
+    cast--an enormous one, numbering eight thousand people ...
+    visited Rome and the Nile."
+
+This decides us where to spend our holidays. To do Rome and the Nile for
+£1 10s. a head is not a chance to be missed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It has been asked, "Where were the police?" Here is the answer:--
+
+    "The six cuts appeared to have been inflicted with the cutting
+    edge of a chopper, and the seventh with the flat part of the end
+    of the copper."--_Manchester Guardian._
+
+_Robert (putting his foot through the picture)_: "May as well make a job
+of it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST VELASQUITH.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Punch (_to Mr. Bonar Law_). "DON'T HACK IT ABOUT NOW.
+YOU'LL HAVE TWO CHANCES IN THE NEXT SIX YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 9._--When on conclusion of Questions
+the PRIME MINISTER rose to move Second Reading of Home Rule Bill, House
+presented appearance seen only once or twice in lifetime of a
+Parliament. Chamber crowded from floor to topmost bench of Strangers'
+Gallery. Members who could not find seats made for the side galleries,
+filling both rows two deep. Still later comers patiently stood at the
+Bar throughout the full hour occupied by the historic speech. A group
+more comfortably settled themselves on the steps of the SPEAKER'S Chair.
+The principal nations of the world were represented in the Diplomatic
+Gallery by their ambassadors. As for the peers, they fought for places
+in limited space allotted to them with the energy of messenger-boys paid
+to secure places in the queue of first night of new play at popular
+theatre.
+
+[Illustration: MIJNHEER KAARSON. (_The New Orange Free Stater._)
+
+[Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN referred to Ulster as the new "Orange" Free State,
+which has just received official recognition.]
+
+Entering while Questions were in progress PREMIER was received with
+rousing cheer. Renewed with fuller force when he stood at the Table to
+discharge his momentous task. That the enthusiasm was largely testimony
+to personal popularity and esteem appeared from what followed. Weighed
+down with gravity of responsibility, as he unfolded his plan he found
+lacking the inspiration of continuous outbursts of cheering that usually
+punctuate important speeches by Party leaders.
+
+Radicals and Nationalists were prepared to accept his concessions to
+Ulster feeling; but they did not like them. REDMOND'S declaration that
+the PREMIER "has gone to the very extremest limits of concession" drew
+from Ministerialists a more strident cheer than any accorded to their
+Leader as he expounded his plan.
+
+Consciousness of this significant luke-warmness reacted upon PREMIER. He
+spoke with unusual slowness, further developing tendency of recent
+growth to drop his voice at end of sentence.
+
+BONNER LAW studiously quiet in manner, moderate in speech. Nevertheless,
+perhaps therefore, made it clear that PREMIER'S overtures, unloved by
+his followers, will not be welcomed by Opposition. CARSON, who had
+enthusiastic reception from Unionists, flashed forth epigram that put
+Ulster's view in a phrase.
+
+"We don't want sentence of death," he said, "with a stay of execution
+for six years."
+
+Circumstances provided TIM HEALY'S opportunity. Seized it with both
+hands. On behalf of Liberal Party, PREMIER proposed the vivisection of
+Ireland. JOHN REDMOND consented. Plan submitted was that four counties
+of Ulster might, if they pleased, be excluded from operation of Home
+Rule Act for period of six years.
+
+"Would any sane Britisher," TIM asked, "embark upon civil war for the
+difference between six years and 666 years?" As he mentioned the Number
+of the Beast TIM turned to regard the Irish Leader perched in corner
+seat at top of Gangway. "Why should not the hon. gentleman give up that,
+as he has given up everything else? The remains of his principles
+ornament every step of the Gangway."
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading of Home Rule Bill moved. Debate
+adjourned for indefinite period.
+
+_Tuesday._--Prospect of CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER brought up at Bar by
+RANDLES and CASSEL attracted big House in spite of trial opening in
+mid-dinner-hour. As the quarters of an hour sped benches continued to
+fill up till, when LLOYD GEORGE rose to offer his defence (which
+speedily merged into form of attack), there were fully live hundred
+present.
+
+Prisoner indicted on grounds of repeated inaccuracy, particularly on
+account of ineradicable tendency to speak disrespectfully of dukes.
+Nothing could be nicer than manner of prosecuting counsel. They were
+there to discharge a public duty as champions of the truth, vindicators
+of desirable habit of abstention from exaggeration.
+
+"I am," said RANDLES, "not here to be personally disagreeable to the
+CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, whom I have always found genial and
+courteous."
+
+As for the junior counsel, he was affected almost to tears in prospect
+of task jointly committed to him.
+
+"I do not wish," he said in his opening sentence, "to make anything I
+say more offensive or unpleasant than--than the necessities of the case
+warrant."
+
+Ribald Radicals laughed loudly at this way of putting it. With the more
+sober-minded its ingenuousness had favourable effect, maintained
+throughout admirable speech.
+
+No one enjoyed the affair more than prisoner at the bar. Like his great
+prototype, LLOYD GEORGE is never so happy as when, with back against
+wall, he turns to face an attacking host.
+
+"Reminds me of days that are no more," said the MEMBER FOR SARK, looking
+on animated scene from modest quarters on a back bench. "Feel thirty
+years younger. Am transported as by a magical Eastern carpet to times
+when DON JOSÉ rushed about the country, fluttering his Unauthorised
+Programme, bearding barons in their dens, lashing out at landlords, and
+unceremoniously digging dukes in the ribs, what time a pack of
+scandalised Tories barked furiously at his heels. LLOYD GEORGE is an
+able man, courageous to boot, endowed with gift of turning out sentences
+that dwell in the memory, delighting some hearers, rankling in hearts of
+others. After all, he is but a replica, excellently done I admit, of the
+greatest work of art in the way of Parliamentary and political debate
+known to this generation."
+
+[Illustration: The only bird that, in Mr. TIM HEALY'S view, requires the
+sympathies (if not contempt) of the Plumage Bill.]
+
+Even while SARK murmured his confidences to his neighbour they were
+pointed by dramatic turn in lively speech. Among charges of inaccuracy
+specially cited was LLOYD GEORGE'S description of the Highland
+clearances, whereby, he asserted, "thousands of people were driven from
+their holdings by the exercise of the arbitrary power of the landlord."
+"I will give you an authority for that," he said, and proceeded to read
+a passage of burning eloquence, in which multitudes of hardworking,
+God-fearing people were depicted as driven from the land that had
+belonged to their ancestors, their cottages unroofed, themselves turned
+out homeless and forlorn.
+
+"Who said that?" scornfully inquired an incautious Member seated
+opposite.
+
+Quick came the reply. "The Right Honourable Member for West Birmingham,"
+the CHANCELLOR answered in blandest tones.
+
+Followed up this neatly inserted thrust by quoting from Tory newspapers,
+platform and Parliamentary speeches what was said of DON JOSÉ in those
+his unregenerate days. Some of them curiously identical with those in
+use just now for edification and reproof of another public man.
+
+_Business done._--CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER indicted for habitual
+inaccuracy, gross and unfounded personal attacks on individuals. Vote of
+censure negatived by 304 votes against 240.
+
+_Thursday._--Major JOHN AUGUSTUS HOPE, late of the King's Royal Rifle
+Corps, nearly had his breath taken away at Question time. Close student
+of methods of WORTHINGTON EVANS, _Mrs. Gummidge_ of Parliamentary life,
+not yet recovered from depression as he sits below Gangway "thinking of
+the old 'un" (MASTERMAN). The Major has of late displayed much industry
+in devising abstruse conundrums designed to bring to light dark places
+in working of Insurance Act. In MASTERMAN'S enforced and regretted
+absence, duty of replying to this class of Question on behalf of
+Minister undertaken by WEDGWOOD BENN, whose sprightly though always
+courteous replies greatly amuse both sides.
+
+To-day the Major fired off, as it wore from a mitrailleuse, volley of
+minute questions involving prolonged research on part of Minister to
+whom they were addressed. Before the smoke had quite cleared away BENN
+rose, remarked, "I assure the honourable and gallant gentleman he is
+totally incorrect," and resumed his seat.
+
+The Major gasped. After devotion of precious time to looking up material
+for his conundrums, after skill and labour bestowed in shaping them, was
+this the result? Every hair on his head bristled with indignation. His
+voice choked with anger. His eye, accustomed to survey other
+battlefields, gleamed on the laughing faces that confronted him.
+Unseemly merriment increased as he attempted to put Supplementary
+Questions, which got unaccountably mixed up between Section 72 of the
+National Insurance Act, 1911, and the provision of Insurance Regulations
+(No. 2) (Scotland).
+
+[Illustration: THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER as seen by his opponents
+and by his admirers.]
+
+If the Major survives shock more will be heard of this.
+
+_Business done._--In Committee on Army Estimates.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BOOK OF THE DAY.
+
+_The Life-Story of a Turnip._ By Ato Mato, F.R.V.S. Illustrated in
+colour. Messrs. Tuber, Root and Co. Price 3s. net.
+
+(Reviewed by A. D. Ryan, M.A.)
+
+There have been autobiographical studies of the animal world; why not of
+the vegetable? This is a delightful monograph, executed with consummate
+skill and verisimilitude throughout. The author, who holds the
+Professorship of Cereal Metaphysics at the University of Tokio, has
+devoted the greater part of his life to the study of the vegetable
+kingdom; and we need hardly remind our readers of the exceedingly
+interesting treatise, entitled "The Psychology of the Cabbage," which
+appeared in a recent issue of the _Carnifugal Quarterly_.
+
+It is indeed time for a more scientific treatment of vegeto-animal
+phenomenon; and Mr. Mato is the pioneer of a science which, we hope,
+will soon receive the attention which it undoubtedly deserves. The
+present volume is in its way a masterpiece. The author has successfully
+avoided treating his subject from a too human point of view, and we are
+paying him a very high compliment when we say that the more we study the
+work the more we are impressed with what we may best describe as the
+"vegetability" of the writer's mind. The book is racy of the soil; it is
+written in a charming and convincing style, and bears the stamp of
+imaginative originality. An acquaintance to whom we lent the book
+admirably expresses the impression we had formed of it by saying that it
+might have been written by EUSTACE or HALLIE MILES. It is characterised
+throughout by the lofty and detached spirit in which a cultured turnip
+would view the troubled course of mundane events. The sentiments
+expressed on such questions as Woman Suffrage, Home Rule, LLOYD GEORGE'S
+land policy, though inevitably Radical in tendency, are admirably sane
+and unbiassed. We cannot do better, if we would convey to our readers
+some conception of the general tone of the work, than quote the opening
+paragraph:--
+
+    "I was born of humble but worthy parents, but the first years"
+    [weeks?] "of my existence were embittered by the loss of both
+    father and mother. My father, who was then in the prime of life,
+    was torn one day from the bosom of his family, tied up in a
+    sack, and taken with some two hundred fellow-sufferers to a
+    slaughter-house, where he was cruelly butchered. Still more
+    tragic was the end of my dear mother. Like my father she was
+    dragged away from her native soil. She was then hurled into an
+    empty shed, where for many days she languished, deprived of both
+    food and light. At last she was thrown into a tumbril with some
+    five hundred unfortunates, carted to a neighbouring farm, thence
+    deported in strict captivity to COVENT GARDEN, and finally
+    conveyed to the sumptuous household of Mr. BERNARD SHAW, who
+    devoured her in three gulps."
+
+From this poignant passage the reader may see for himself the profound
+understanding which Mr. Mato has brought to bear on his theme. We
+commend this book to all lovers of nature.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CINEMA HABIT.
+
+The writer of "The Ideal Film Plot," which appeared in a recent issue of
+_Punch_, has quoted an "authority" (anonymous) for the approval of his
+scenario. It is quite evident that this "authority" (so-styled) must
+belong to the plebeian ranks of the film-world. It cannot reside in
+_our_ suburb.
+
+Our cinema theatre is, I venture to state, of a far superior order, both
+as to drama and as to morality. It is not a mere lantern-hall, close and
+stuffy, with twopenny and fourpenny seats (half-price to children, and
+tea provided free at _matinée_ performances), but a white-and-gold
+Picturedrome, catering to an exclusive class of patrons at sixpence and
+a shilling, with neat attendants in dove-grey who atomise scent about
+the aisles, two palms, one at each side of the proscenium (_real_
+palms), and, in addition to a piano, a mustel organ to accompany the
+pathetic passages in the films. Moreover, the commissionaire outside,
+whose medals prove that he has seen service in the Charge of the Light
+Brigade, the Black Hole of Calcutta, and the Great Raid on the House of
+Commons in 1910, is not one of those blatant-voiced showmen who clamour
+for patronage; he is a quiet and dignified réceptionnaire, content to
+rely on the fame and good repute of his theatre. Sometimes evening dress
+(from "The Laburnums," Meadowsweet Avenue, who are on the Stock
+Exchange) is to be seen in the more expensive seats.
+
+It is unquestionably a high-class Picturedrome. True that the local
+dentist, who is a stickler for correct English, protests against the
+designation. I have pointed out to him that if a "Hippodrome" is a place
+where one sees performing hippos, then surely a place where one sees
+performing pictures is correctly styled a "Picturedrome."
+
+I am acquiring the cinema habit.
+
+It is very restful. Each film is preceded on the screen by a certificate
+showing that its morality has been guaranteed by Mr. REDFORD. I have
+complete confidence in Mr. REDFORD'S sense of propriety. If, for
+instance, a bedroom scene is shown and a lady is about to change her
+gown, one's advance blushes are needless. That film will be arrested at
+the loosing of the first hook or button. Virtue will always be plainly
+triumphant and vice as plainly vanquished. Even the minor imperfections
+of character will be suitably punished. When on the screen we see Daisy,
+the flighty college girl, borrowing without permission her friend's hat,
+gown, shoes, necklace and curls in order to make a fascinating display
+before her young college man, it is certain that she will be publicly
+shamed by her friends and discredited in the eyes of her lover whose
+affections she seeks to win in this unmoral fashion.
+
+On the screen we shall be sure to meet many old friends. The young
+American society nuts, in square-rigged coats, spacious trousers, and
+knobbly shoes, will buzz around the pretty girl like flies around a
+honey-pot, clamouring for the privilege of presenting her with a
+twenty-dollar bouquet of American Beauty roses. The bouquet she accepts
+will be the hero's; and the other nuts will then group themselves in the
+background while she registers a glad but demure smile full in the eye
+of the camera.
+
+The hero, however, loses his paternal expectations in the maelstrom of
+Wall Street. Throwing off his coat--literally, because at the cinema we
+are left in no doubt as to intentions--he resolves to go "out West" and
+retrieve the family fortunes.
+
+Our old friends the cow-boys meet him at the wooden shack which
+represents the railway station at Waybackville, registering great glee
+at the prospect of hazing a tenderfoot. We know full well that he will
+eventually win their respect and high regard--probably by foiling a
+dastardly plot on the part of a Mexican half-breed--and we are therefore
+in no anxiety of mind when they raise the dust around his feet with
+their six-shooters, toss him in a blanket or entice him on to a
+meek-looking, but in reality record-busting, broncho.
+
+In the middle of the drama we look forward to the "chases," and we are
+never disappointed. Our pursued hero, attired in the picturesque
+bandarilleros of shaggy mohair and the open-throated shirterino of the
+West, will race through the tangled thickets of the picadoro-trees;
+thunder down the crumbling banks of amontillados so steep that the
+camera probably gets a crick in the neck looking up at him; ride the
+foaming torrent with one hand clasping the mane of his now tamed
+broncho, and the other hand triggering his shooting-iron; and eventually
+fall exhausted from the horse at the very doorstep of the ranch, one
+arm, pinged by a dastardly rifle-bullet, dangling helplessly by his
+side. (It is, by the way, always the arm or shoulder; the cinema never
+allows him to get it distressingly in the leg or in the neck.)
+
+In the ultimate, with the wounded arm in a sling, he will tenderly
+embrace the heroine through a hundred feet of film, she meanwhile
+registering great joy and trustfulness, until the scene slowly darkens
+into blackness, and the screen suddenly announces that the next item on
+the programme will be No. 7, Exclusive to the Picturedrome.
+
+We are greatly favoured with "exclusives." It may be possible that other
+suburbs have these films, but it must be second-hand, after we have
+finished with them. The names of the artistes who create the _róles_ are
+announced on the screen: "_Captain Jack Reckless_--Mr. Courcy van
+Highball," or it maybe "_Juliet_, Miss Mamie Euffles." Or it is a film
+taken at the local regatta or athletic sports, and the actors in it
+include all the notabilities of the district. We flock to see how we (or
+our neighbours) look on the screen, and enjoy a hearty laugh when the
+scullers of "The Laburnums" register a crab full in the eye of the
+camera, or "The Oleanders" canoe receives a plenteous backwash from a
+river-steamer.
+
+But the staple fare is drama--red-blooded drama, where one is never in
+doubt as to who is in love with whom, and how much. Sometimes, to be
+frank, there is a passing flirtation, due to pique, between a wife and a
+third party, leading to misunderstandings, complications and blank
+despair on the part of the husband; but as there is always a "little
+one" somewhere in the background, we are never anxious as to the final
+outcome. It will end with the husband embracing the repentant (but
+stainless) wife, and at the same time extending a manly hand of
+reconciliation to the third party.
+
+We also like the dying fiddler (with visions) and the motor-car
+splurges--especially the latter. In our daily life we are plagued with
+motor-cars, cycle-cars and motor-cycle side-cars, being on a highroad
+from London town to the country; but on the screen we adore them.
+
+The cinema is very restful. There are no problems to vex the moral
+judgment; no psychological doubts; no anxieties. It will be "the mixture
+as before," ending in the loving, lingering kiss.
+
+Say what you will of Mr. REDFORD, he never deprives us of the kiss.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gladys_ (_who has been told she may see her convalescent
+Daddy, but fails to recognise him with ten days' growth of beard_).
+"Mummy, Mummy, Daddy's not there; but there's a burglarer in his bed."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WATER ON THE BRAIN.
+
+Some interesting revelations have been published in _The Daily Mail_ on
+the tonic effect of the bath on our greatest workers, notably
+stockbrokers, novelists and actors.
+
+Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER declared that he read plays in the bath and that
+the best results were obtained by those selected either in the bath or
+on a long railway journey. "A man," he added, "is always at his best in
+his bath." Again, Mr. CHARLES GARVICE, the famous novelist, said that he
+always felt intensely musical while having his bath, though the ideas
+for his stories came chiefly while he was shaving.
+
+We are glad to be able to supplement these revelations with some further
+testimony from the _élite_ of the world of letters.
+
+Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER, in the course of an interesting interview, spoke
+eloquently on the daily renewal of the bath. From the day when he first
+became a Wet Bob at Eton he had never wavered in his devotion to
+matutinal and vespertinal ablutions. In fact, his philosophy on this
+point might be summed up in the quatrain:--
+
+  A bath in the morning
+  Is the bookman's adorning;
+  A bath at night
+  Is the bookman's delight.
+
+His ideal form of exercise was a ride in a bath-chair, just as his
+favourite diet was bath-chaps and bath-buns. For the rest he found that
+the ideas of his best pars came to him while he was using a
+scrubbing-brush which had belonged to Posh, EDWARD FITZGERALD'S boatman.
+
+Mr. LAURENCE BINYON, the poet and art critic, confessed that some of his
+choicest lyrics had been composed when he was using a loofah. But it
+must be applied rhythmically, to the accompaniment of a soft hissing
+sound such as was affected by stable-hands when grooming high-mettled
+steeds. Mr. BINYON added that it was a curious thing that while frequent
+references abounded in the classics to drinking from the Pierian spring,
+no mention occurred of bathing in it. But the divine afflatus no doubt
+worked differently in different ages. DIOGENES lived in a tub, but there
+was no evidence that he ever took one.
+
+Mr. PERCY FITZGERALD, in reply to a request for his views on the
+subject, said that he considered soap and water to be an invaluable
+intellectual stimulant. DICKENS was a great believer in it; so, too, was
+_Lady Macbeth_ and the famous Bishop WILBERFORCE, known as "Soapy Sam"
+from his excessive addiction to detergents. CHARLES LEVER, again, whom
+he knew intimately, had a passion for washing and, so he believed,
+started a soap factory, which was still in existence.
+
+The Baroness ORCZY pointed out to our representative that there was a
+natural harmony between different sorts of baths and different styles of
+composition. For heroic romance, cold baths were indispensable. For the
+novel of sensation she recommended champagne with a dash of ammoniated
+quinine. Similarly with regard to the use of soaps. Thus in any of her
+stories in which royalty, played a prominent part she found it
+impossible to dispense with Old Brown Windsor.
+
+Mr. MAX BEERBOHM contented himself by cordially endorsing Mr. ARTHUR
+BOURCHIER'S statement that he was (if ever) at his best in his bath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN MARCH.
+
+  There is cloud and a splash of blue sky overhead,
+  And the road by the common's the brave road to tread;
+      You miss all your neighbours,
+        And hear the wind play
+      His pipes and his tabors
+        Along the king's way.
+
+  From the elms at the corner the rooks tumble out
+  To dance you Sir Roger in clamorous rout;
+      For all honest people
+        There's gold on the whin,
+      And bells in the steeple,
+        And ale at the inn.
+
+  The brewer's brown horses, they shine in the sun,
+  And each of the team must weigh nearly a ton.
+      They stamp and they sidle,
+        Their great necks they arch,
+      And snatch at the bridle
+        This morning of March.
+
+  For Winter is over, you see the fine sights--
+  The geese on the common, the boys flying kites,
+      The daffydowndillies
+        That stoop on the stem,
+      And my pretty Phyllis
+        Who's gathering them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGNERS OF THE TIMES.
+
+Ralston came into the railway carriage with a fountain-pen and a huge
+sheet of official-looking paper.
+
+"Pardon my intrusion," he said. "This is a non-party business. I am just
+getting a few signatures----"
+
+"Don't apologise, Sir," interrupted Baffin. "I am delighted to see a
+young man like you working in such a cause. Every loyal Englishman,
+unless blindly ignorant or filled with Radical spite, will be delighted
+to sign it."
+
+Grabbing the fountain-pen he scribbled the imposing signature, "James
+Baffin, Hughenden, Tulse Hill."
+
+"It doesn't involve any financial responsibility?" enquired Macdougal
+with a touch of national caution.
+
+"Not in the least. You just sign," replied Ralston.
+
+Down went the name of Luke Macdougal.
+
+Wilcox had to have his attention drawn to the petition because he
+pretended to be absorbed in _The Times_--reading it with the attachment
+of an old subscriber, though we all knew he had only taken it for two
+days.
+
+"Of course," said Wilcox, "at the present moment I could not think of
+taking any active part in military operations myself, but I am sure my
+son-in-law----"
+
+"You are not supposed to do anything but sign," said Ralston.
+
+"Certainly, certainly, I'll be very pleased to sign. My son-in-law is a
+most determined young fellow and feels most strongly on this point."
+
+And Mr. Wilcox amiably offered up his son-in-law as a vicarious
+sacrifice.
+
+Dodham was a little dubious. "You see I'm not a politician," he began.
+
+"Politics have nothing to do with it," said Ralston.
+
+"No one, Sir, but an abject coward," broke in Baffin, "would shrink from
+saving his country at such a critical moment."
+
+"Well," said Dodham, "one can't be far wrong when non-party men like
+KIPLING and GEORGE ALEXANDER are signing. I think I shall be justified."
+
+The name of J. Percival Dodham was added to the list.
+
+Ralston turned to me. "You will sign, old man?"
+
+"No, thanks," I said. "Signed a teetotal-pledge when I was six, and my
+aunts have brought it up against me ever since. Besides I haven't a
+father-in-law to take my place."
+
+We stopped at a station.
+
+"I'm off," said Ralston; "got to rake up more signatures."
+
+Four men glared contemptuously at me for the rest of the journey. I
+don't know whether they regarded me as a miserable Little Englander or a
+wicked Big Irelander.
+
+When we reached Ludgate Hill I saw Ralston standing triumphantly on the
+platform.
+
+"Done well to-day?" I queried.
+
+"Oceans of signatures."
+
+I glanced over his shoulder and saw that the printing on the outer sheet
+began, "To the Manager, S. E. and L. C. D. Railway Companies."
+
+"What's he got to do with this thing?" I demanded.
+
+"Everything," explained Ralston amiably. "It's a petition to run the
+8.42 ten minutes earlier. I can't get to the office by 9.15 as it is."
+
+"What," I cried, "have all your miserable dupes been signing away ten
+minutes of their breakfast time?"
+
+Ralston winked at me. "I've just got to go into a carriage and say it's
+non-political and they jump to sign it. Signing's a sort of habit
+nowadays. Not my fault if they don't listen to explanations."
+
+My heart thrilled as I thought of what the brave men would say who,
+under the impression they were merely promising their own or their
+relations' blood, had tragically shortened their breakfast hour. Talk of
+revolutions! Look out for a revolution in the Tulse Hill district when
+the 8.42 becomes the 8.32!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Temperance Worker_ (_paying a surprise visit to the home
+of his pet convert_). "Does Mr. McMurdoch live here?"
+
+_Mrs. McMurdoch._ "Aye; carry him in!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. BALFOUR: MIXED DOUBLE LIFE.
+
+(From our Special Correspondent.)
+
+Nice, _Monday_.
+
+"I must confess that I felt somewhat nervous," said Mr. BALFOUR after
+the match, as he sipped a split sal-volatile and cinnamon, "but not so
+nervous as I was in the singles. But it was the first time that I ever
+stood up to the twin-screw service which Baron von Stosch uses so
+cleverly, and once or twice I was beaten by the swerve." But his
+partner, the famous Basque amateur, Mme. Jauréguiberry, was loud in his
+praises. "He played like a statesman and a diplomatist," she said. The
+Grand Duke MICHAEL was also greatly impressed and made a neat _mot_.
+"His fore-hand drives," he said, "were worthy of a driver of a
+four-in-hand." Mr. BALFOUR, it should be noted, wore brown tennis shoes
+with rubber soles, unlike Sir OLIVER LODGE, who always golfs in white
+buckskin boots. His shirt was of some soft material and was marked with
+his name on a tape, "A. J. BALFOUR. 6. 1913."
+
+Details of the Game.
+
+Mr. BALFOUR started serving, and the first two games fell to him and his
+partner owing to a certain wildness in the returns of Princess Pongo, a
+Nigerian lady of remarkable agility who has only been playing tennis for
+the last three months, as, owing to the laws of the Hausa tribe, mixed
+tennis is strictly forbidden in Nigeria. The Princess was, however, well
+backed up by her partner, the Baron von Stosch, an athletic Prussian
+with a powerful smash, and after five games all had been called the set
+fell to the ex-PREMIER and his partner. In the second set a regrettable
+incident occurred, a ball skidding off Mr. BALFOUR's racquet into the
+eye of the Grand Duke Uriel, who was acting as umpire. Mr. BALFOUR was
+much upset by the _contretemps_, and repeatedly sliced his drive into
+the net, remarking, "Dear, dear," on two occasions.
+
+The activity of the Princess Pongo, who wore a tasteful _toque_
+surmounted by a stuffed baby gorilla, was much admired, and when the
+score was called "one set all," the enthusiasm of the bystanders knew no
+bounds. A slight delay was caused by the arrival of a telegram for Mr.
+BALFOUR, announcing that, in view of the grave importance of the present
+political situation, _The Times_ had been reduced to a penny. This he
+perused with deep emotion. On the resumption of the game, however, the
+ex-PREMIER at once showed himself to be in his best form. He sclaffed
+several beauties past the Baron, nonplussed the Nigerian princess by his
+luscious lobs, and finished off the set and match by a wonderful
+scoop-stroke which died down like a poached egg.
+
+Early in the set he gave a remarkable proof of his detachment. Just as
+the Princess was preparing to serve one of her juiciest undercut
+strokes, the tones of a soprano practising her scales rang out from a
+neighbouring flat. "Rather sharp, I think," said Mr. BALFOUR, and the
+Princess, overcome by the ready wit of the ex-PREMIER, served four
+faults in quick succession. At the conclusion of the game Mr. BALFOUR
+wiped his face twice with his handkerchief and signed his name in the
+birthday books of several American heiresses.
+
+We understand that there is no truth in the rumour that Mr. BALFOUR will
+box five rounds with CARPENTIER at a Charity Bazaar and Gymkhana next
+Saturday, but hopes are entertained that he will dance the Ta-tao with
+the Princess Pongo, and enter for the three-legged race with the Grand
+Duke Uriel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO MAKE THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME."
+
+[Illustration: _Judge._ "Have you anything to say for yourself before I
+sentence you, Prisoner?"
+
+_Prisoner._ "Yes, your Lordship; I taught your wife and daughters the
+Tango."
+
+_Judge._ "Twenty years."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN IDOL OF THE MARKET PLACE.
+
+  Decorum and the butcher's cat
+    Are seldom far apart--
+  From dawn when clouds surmount the air,
+  Piled like a beauty's powdered hair,
+  Till dusk, when down the misty square
+    Rumbles the latest cart
+
+  He sits in coat of white and grey
+    Where the rude cleaver's shock
+  Horrid from time to time descends,
+  And his imposing presence lends
+  Grace to a platform that extends
+    Beneath the chopping-block.
+
+  How tranquil are his close-piled cheeks
+    His paws, sequestered warm!
+  An oak-grained panel backs his head
+  And all the stock-in-trade is spread,
+  A symphony in white and red,
+    Round his harmonious form.
+
+  The butcher's brave cerulean garb
+    Flutters before his face,
+  The cleaver dints his little roof
+  Of furrowed wood; remote, aloof
+  He sits superb and panic-proof
+    In his accustomed place.
+
+  Threading the columned county hall,
+    Mid-most before his eyes,
+  Alerter dog and loitering maid
+  Cross from the sunlight to the shade,
+  And small amenities of trade
+    Under the gables rise;
+
+  Cats of the town, a shameless crew,
+    Over the way he sees
+  Propitiate with lavish purr
+  An unresponsive customer,
+  Or, meek with sycophantic fur,
+    Caress the children's knees.
+
+  But he, betrothed to etiquette,
+    Betrays nor head nor heart;
+  Lone as the Ark on Ararat,
+  A monument of fur and fat,
+  Decorum and the butcher's cat
+    Are seldom far apart.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was Horace that put in print the old truth that no man in
+    this world is satisfied with the lot which either fortune or
+    others have put him to."--_"T. P." in his "Weekly."_
+
+HORACE, of course, was always rushing into print.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Her hands dropped to her side. She toyed with the little locket
+    on the gold chain at her throat. 'I am capable of anything!' she
+    said."--_"Daily Mirror" Serial._
+
+Evidently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Keeper_ (_who, unobserved, has been watching the
+transgressor_). "Ay, man, ye _hae_ a conscience, but it's gae elastic,
+I'm thinkin'."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+MR. HENRY HOLIDAY'S _Reminiscences of my Life_ (HEINEMANN) will show you
+a kindly simple soul who had an extraordinarily nice time, met all kinds
+of interesting folk, and had a generous devotion to any number of
+unpopular causes, such as Women's Suffrage, the futuristic socialism of
+BELLAMY'S _Looking Backward_, Home Rule in Ireland, healthy and artistic
+dress, good music, the abolition of war. Whatever capacity of expression
+his successful and not undistinguished career as a painter (amongst
+other things, of BEATRICE cutting DANTE on the bridge), stained-glass
+worker and mural decorator proves him to have had in his proper medium,
+the gift of pointed literary expression and appropriate selection seems
+to have been withheld from him. But he has little reason to complain.
+Some, at least, of his causes are appreciably nearer victory than when
+he espoused them; we are even a little nearer looking backwards. One
+small point in these discursive memoirs will especially delight the
+mildly cynical--that this worthy pre-Raphaelite, who with his friends
+had suffered so much from the limitations of view of a mid-Victorian
+Royal Academy, should be so maliciously ready to have all modern rebels
+in paint, their milestones hung about their necks, sunk in the
+nethermost deeps with all their works! One can find diversion, too, in
+the decorous story of Mr. HOLIDAY'S nude statue of _Sleep_, rejected
+(according to a message from G. F. WATTS) on account of its nudity in
+1879 by that same Academy, and accepted in 1880 when the artist with
+laborious modesty had modelled for it a plaster-of-paris nightgown. The
+author claims some share, through the Healthy and Artistic Dress Union,
+in the changes towards rational beauty which women's dress has lately
+shown. And that surely, is by no means to have lived in vain!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There are few Memsahibs who know India and can write about it as well as
+Mrs. ALICE PERRIN, so that when she calls her new book _The Happy
+Hunting Ground_ (METHUEN) she sets you thinking. And when you begin to
+think, you see that that really is the meaning of those tearful
+farewells at Victoria and Charing Cross, that heavy-hearted cheering and
+waving of handkerchiefs as the liner puts off from the docks, which are
+for us who stay at home the symbol of our share in the burden of empire.
+When our sisters and our daughters (and our cousins and aunts) sail away
+to Marseilles and the East they go to find husbands, largely because for
+many of them there is in this country little prospect of marriage with
+men of their own class. But that is only half the story. They go in
+search of mates. They stay to play, as helpmeets, the woman's part in
+carrying on the high tradition of the British Raj. With this fundamental
+truth as her background, Mrs. PERRIN has drawn, simply but with
+practised skill, the picture of a young girl who leaves the dull
+security of Earl's Court to go a-hunting in the plains and the hills,
+obedient to the call of India, which is in her bones. There, like many
+another before her, she loves and suffers, and makes sacrifices and
+mistakes, and (I am glad to say) finds happiness at the last. The
+strength of Mrs. PERRIN'S book, apart from the value of its background,
+lies in the reality of its characters. If you have a drop of
+Anglo-Indian blood in your veins you will know what it means. You will
+greet them as blood relations, and take a kinsman's interest not only in
+their joys and sorrows, but in their whole attitude towards life, and
+even their little tricks of thought and speech.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+About a year ago Mr. JOSEPH KNOWLES began to think that "the people of
+the present day were sadly neglecting the details of the great book of
+nature," and asked himself if he could not do something to remedy
+matters. His answer to this question was to take off all his clothes,
+and, on August 4, 1913, to enter the wilderness of Northern Maine, and
+live like a primitive man for two months. On page 12 of _Alone in the
+Wilderness_ (LONGMANS) he is to be seen taking off his coat (and posing,
+I feel bound to add, very becomingly), and eight pages farther on you
+can see him divested of his clothing and "breaking the last link." As
+used to enforce a primitive ideal, the modern art of photography seems,
+if I may say so, a little out of this picture; but, anyhow, into the
+forest Mr. KNOWLES went with "nodings on," and there he stuck out his
+time, speaking to no one, scarcely seeing a human being, and
+proving--well, I don't honestly think that he proved much. But at least
+he was not what he calls a quitter, and as more than once he had an
+intense desire to return to civilisation, he deserves much credit for
+carrying out his resolution. But, difficult as he found it to remain for
+the two months, he has found even greater difficulty in writing
+interestingly about his experiment. Apart from his account of a great
+moose-fight, the fascinating scenes in his book are those in which his
+former experiences as a trapper and hunter are described. But Mr.
+KNOWLES has not finished with his adventure; he is going to live
+stark-naked in the wilderness for another two months, but this time
+under inspection, so that the unbelievers can be convinced. I am not
+among the unbelievers--indeed, I am convinced of the absolute truth of
+every statement he makes--but I doubt if a repetition of his performance
+is the best way to help on the College of Nature which he hopes to
+start. Why, in short, pander to the unbelievers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR CURIO CRANKS.
+
+[Illustration: The man who collects mud-splashes from the wheels of the
+exalted great.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A period so bygone as that of His late Majesty KING HENRY II. (of whose
+exact date you will scarcely need to be reminded) has not an immediate
+and irresistible attraction for every novel reader, and it may take much
+to persuade some that they will ever become really concerned with the
+deeds and destinies of such people as _Jehane_ the woodward's daughter,
+_Edwy_ the tanner of Clee, and _Lord Lambert do Fort-Castel_, be their
+deeds and destinies never so adventurous or romantic. Further, the
+juvenile manner of the pictorial cover attached to _Jehane of the
+Forest_ (MELROSE) is not calculated to whet the appetite of the adult
+public, and the eulogy of a well-known author, appended on a printed
+slip, lacks the essential glow of the effective advertisement. It misses
+the point; it is pedantic, and pedantry is the one thing for which wary
+readers are on the look out in stories of antiquity. It is first
+important, then, to acquit Mr. L. A. TALBOT of every offence of which,
+in the blackness of the outward circumstances, he might be
+suspected--affectations, anachronisms, excess of local and contemporary
+colour, absence of humour or human touches, any tendency to bore. The
+book presents a charming picture of the counties on the Welsh Border and
+unravels a delightful tale in which the characters talk the language
+peculiar to their time, but are controlled by the everlasting motives of
+human nature. Though the times were harder than ours the people seem to
+have been neither better nor worse than we are; and, when approached
+from such a point of view as Mr. TALBOT has taken, there is nothing to
+be said against, but very much to be said for, the period of 1154-1189,
+which, as every schoolboy is punished for not knowing, covers the reign
+of HENRY II.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss MILLS YOUNG does not, I think, improve as an artist. _The Purple
+Mists_ (LANE) is her latest book, and it is not so real and satisfactory
+a piece of work as _Grit Lawless_ or _Atonement_. The theme of her new
+novel is the coming of love to two people who married without any other
+emotion than restrained but unmistakable antipathy. Why people should do
+these things so often in novels I do not know, but on the present
+occasion _Euretta_ (_Euretta_ is not an attractive name) and _John Shaw_
+(you can tell by _his_ name that he is a strong silent man who is deep
+in his work and has no time to bother about women) are driven into
+matrimony by Miss MILLS YOUNG. After a while it appears that _Mr. Shaw_
+is beginning to care for _Euretta_ very much, but he shows his affection
+for her by avoiding her as much as possible and snarling when she speaks
+to him. It is obvious that a more kindly figure must be somewhere close
+at hand eager to console _Euretta_. Miss YOUNG discovers him, finds that
+he is precisely the deep-drinking, warm-hearted rascal necessary for
+this kind of occasion, and provides him with the inevitable situations
+proper to the _tertium quid_. The defects of _The Purple Mists_ all
+arise from the fact that Miss MILLS YOUNG has been told by her friends
+that she tells a good story. If, next time, she thinks first of her
+characters and then chronicles their logical development, instead of
+forcing them into a threadbare plot, she will give us the fine book of
+which I am sure she is capable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "According to the Jewish Chronicle, the number of Jews in the
+    world now exceeds 13,000: to be exact, 13,052,840."
+
+    _Family Herald (B.C.)_
+
+Our contemporary should cultivate the large tracts of truth which lie
+between the extreme vagueness of the first estimate and the pedantic
+accuracy of the second.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Rokeby Venus in Ribbons."--_Globe._
+
+Are we becoming prudish?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Breezes between North and South."--_Cork Examiner._
+
+This is the weather forecast for Ireland, and at first sight seems
+obvious; but "in view," as our penny contemporary says, "of the grave
+importance of the present political situation," we suspect a deeper
+meaning.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+146, MARCH 18, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 23087-8.txt or 23087-8.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/8/23087
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/23087-8.zip b/23087-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ef99791
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-8.zip
diff --git a/23087-h.zip b/23087-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a7c2c01
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h.zip
diff --git a/23087-h/23087-h.htm b/23087-h/23087-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3f13f92
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/23087-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,3082 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 18, 1914, by Various</title>
+  <style type="text/css">
+  <!--
+  body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+  p                    {text-align: justify;}
+  blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+  h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+  .sc                  {font-variant: small-caps;}
+
+  hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+  html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+  hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+  html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+  hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+  html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+  .note, .footnote     {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+  span.pagenum
+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
+
+  .poem
+  {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .drama               {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .drama p             {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;}
+  .drama p.i2          {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;}
+  .drama p.i4          {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;}
+  .drama p.i6          {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;}
+  .drama p.i8          {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;}
+  .drama p.i10         {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+  {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+  .figright            {float: right;}
+  .figleft             {float: left;}
+
+  .inline              {border: none; vertical-align: middle;}
+
+  p.author {text-align: right;}
+
+  .side { float:right;
+          font-size: 75%;
+          width: 25%;
+          padding-left:10px;
+          border-left: dashed thin;
+          margin-left: 10px;
+          text-align: left;
+          text-indent: 0;
+          font-weight: bold;
+          font-style: italic;}
+    hr.pg   { width: 100%;
+              margin-top: 0em;
+              margin-bottom: 0em;
+              border: solid black;
+              height: 5px; }
+    pre      {font-size: 85%; }
+  -->
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+March 18, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 18, 1914</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: October 19, 2007  [eBook #23087]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 146, MARCH 18, 1914***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, David King,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 146.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>March 18, 1914.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>In view of the grave importance of
+the present political situation, the price
+of <i>Punch</i> will remain as heretofore.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"The risk of flying is very greatly
+exaggerated," says Mr. <span class="sc">Winston
+Churchill</span>. Then why funk a General
+Election?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Some people have such a nasty way
+of putting things! Liberal gentleman
+to Unionist gentleman: "Well, have
+you taken the pledge?"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Attempts are now being made to
+establish penny postage between England
+and France. The Germans are
+said to feel flattered that we should
+still consider the privilege of corresponding
+with them worth two-pence-halfpenny.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The public indignation against the
+woman who damaged the "Rokeby
+Venus" continues unabated, and most
+inhuman propositions are being made.
+One gentleman has even been heard to
+suggest that the woman ought to be
+made to serve her term of imprisonment
+in the Royal Academy.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>General <span class="sc">Villa's</span> statement that, unless
+the ransom he demands is paid at
+once, he will expose the body of the
+son of General <span class="sc">Terrazas</span> to the fire of
+the Federals confirms the opinion
+prevalent in this country that General
+<span class="sc">Villa</span> is not really a very nice man.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"THE BENTON INQUIRY</p>
+
+<p>PROMISE THAT JUSTICE WILL BE
+EXECUTED."</p>
+
+<p><i>Observer.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We were under the impression that
+this execution had taken place, some
+time since in Mexico, for Justice has
+not been seen there for a long time.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A Norfolk doctor declares that the
+sting of a bee is a most effective cure
+for both rheumatism and sciatica. It
+is also an infallible cure for inertia.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The yearly volume of judicial statistics
+just issued shows a marked decrease
+in business in all the courts except the
+Divorce Court; and there is some talk
+of the legal profession erecting a statue
+of a co-respondent as a mark of their
+appreciation.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Persons who like to be seen reading
+a two-penny newspaper are now in a
+quandary since the price of <i>The Times</i>
+has been reduced, and it is again
+rumoured that, in order to cater for
+this class, an unsuccessful halfpenny
+paper is about to raise its price to
+twopence.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Sussex has been suffering from an
+epidemic of sheep-stealing. The police
+theory is that the sheep are carried off
+at night in motor cars&mdash;the silly
+creatures, accepting with alacrity the
+novel offer of a ride in an automobile.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Several prominent authors having
+stated that their best ideas come to
+them while taking a tub, quite a
+number of unsuccessful scribes have,
+we hear, almost made up their minds
+to the experiment of one bath a week.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In an Introductory Note to the serial
+publication of <i>The Woman Thou Gavest
+Me</i>, entitled "Why I wrote the Story,"
+the Master attempts to shift the
+blame&mdash;or, anyhow, to apportion the
+responsibility. One day, it seems, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Caine</span> heard the story which forms the
+basis of the novel. He first told it to
+a Cabinet Minister, who was "visibly
+touched." He next tried it on a tailor,
+who was "just as obviously affected."
+Then comes this delicious passage:&mdash;"After
+that I called on my publisher
+and, not being able to get the story
+out of my thoughts, I told it to him as
+well. His eyes filled, his head dropped,
+and he was as deeply touched as I and
+the tailor and the Cabinet Minister
+had been." It is generally understood
+that Mr. <span class="sc">Heinemann</span> has since had a
+complete recovery.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>LOOKING WELL FORWARD.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/201.png"><img width="100%" src="images/201.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>First Survivor from Wreck</i> (<i>to Second
+Survivor</i>.) <span class="sc">"'Ow much ought we to ask off the music-'alls when we
+get back</span>&mdash;<span class="sc">'undred-an'-fifty quid a week or two 'undred?"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Owing to the number of rats and crickets
+in her bedroom a nurse employed by the
+Dudley Board of Guardians, it was stated at
+the meeting of the board yesterday, had
+resigned.</p>
+
+<p>"It was decided to engage a professional rat-catcher."&mdash;<i>Daily
+Mail.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It is, however, not altogether satisfactory
+to be nursed by a professional rat-catcher,
+and some of the patients are
+already complaining most bitterly of
+the change.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span>
+
+<h2>THE HAT.</h2>
+
+<p>"Of course," said the lady of the house, "you can turn
+yourself into a hermit if you like. We'll build you a little
+cell, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What?" I said. "A real hermit, in a long robe like a
+bath-gown? With a real cell, and a dish of herbs on a
+plain deal table, and some rocks to sleep on, and a folio
+volume always open at the same place? May I really be
+like that?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," she said, "that's what you're coming to. And
+there'll be a notice stuck up on a tree&mdash;'This way to the
+Hermit,' with a painted hand."</p>
+
+<p>"I know the sort," I said. "A hand with only one
+finger."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, one finger pointing in the direction of the cell.
+And all the village children will follow you when you go
+out, and you'll threaten them with a gnarled stick, and
+you'll be indicted as a nuisance."</p>
+
+<p>"But not for a long time," I said.  "I shall have lots of
+good hermiting before that happens. I shall have my
+breakfasts quite alone and nobody will ask me to go to
+Mrs. Latimer's musical afternoon in London, 4 to 7."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you're not a hermit yet, so you'll have to come
+to Mrs. Latimer's with me. You know you'll enjoy it
+when you get there."</p>
+
+<p>"I won't."</p>
+
+<p>"And you'll meet plenty of your friends."</p>
+
+<p>"But I don't want to meet my friends," I said. "Friends
+are people yon go on being friends with without meeting
+them. That's the essence of true friendship, you know.
+Absence doesn't alter it. You keep on thinking of dear old
+Jack and what fun you used to have together at Cambridge;
+and then some day a funny old gentleman comes up to you
+in the street and says you don't remember him, and you
+pretend you know him quite well, and it's Jack all the
+time, and you wonder how he's got so old while you
+yourself have kept on being as young as ever. That's
+friendship."</p>
+
+<p>"This," she said, "is not an Essay Club."</p>
+
+<p>"What should a woman know of friendship?" I said
+bitterly. "Besides, I shall have to get a new top-hat."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," she said, "there's nothing so very awful in that.
+But what's the matter with the old one?"</p>
+
+<p>"The old one," I said, "is a blacked sepulchre, and even
+the black part of it is not very good. The lining is of the
+sort that makes it necessary to place it on a table with the
+opening down. Fortunate woman, your hats require no
+lining and you don't take them off. You cannot sympathise
+with my feelings. Such a top-hat as mine is good enough
+for a Board meeting, but it cannot go to Mrs. Latimer's
+musical afternoon. Her footman would despise me."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well," she said, "get your new hat and have it
+ready for this day fortnight."</p>
+
+<p>The upshot of this conversation was that on the following
+day I went to London, wearing my old top-hat, and called
+at Messrs. Hutchfield's, the famous hatters. It is not a
+very large shop, but it is very high, and something like
+a million white hat-boxes, each presumably containing a
+hat, are stacked in gleaming tiers from floor to ceiling.
+The higher ones are fetched down by means of a long pole
+provided at one end with a sort of inverted hook. It is a
+most dexterous and pleasing trick, only to be attempted by
+an old hand. An inexperienced practitioner would certainly
+bring down an avalanche of hat-boxes on the heads of the
+customers. On one side of the room there is a patent stove
+in which several irons were heating, not for torture, but for
+the improvement of hats. Several aproned attendants were
+bustling about, and one or two customers with bare heads
+were eyeing one another with an exaggerated air of haughty
+nonchalance, as who should say, "Observe, we do not wear
+white aprons. We do not <i>belong</i> to the shop. We are
+genuine customers. We are waiting for our hats."</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning, Sir," said one of the attendants; "what
+would you be requiring to-day?"</p>
+
+<p>"I think," I said, "it was a hat. Yes, I'm sure it was.
+A top-hat, you know&mdash;one of your best."</p>
+
+<p>"Pardon me, Sir." With a graceful and airy movement
+he whisked off my old hat and took its measure in length
+and breadth.</p>
+
+<p>"You mustn't draw any inference from the lining," I
+said. "I'm not really as poor as all that. I've meant to
+have it re-lined several times, but somehow I never brought
+it off. Still, it's been a good hat."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Sir," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Could it be&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, Sir, we could re-line it for you and make it
+look almost as good as new."</p>
+
+<p>"Splendid!" I cried. "Then I shan't want a new one,
+shall I?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Sir, it would take some little time. You would
+want to wear something to go on with till it's finished."</p>
+
+<p>"There is," I said, "some force in that. Put the machine
+on me at once."</p>
+
+<p>"The what, Sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"The machine," I said. "The beautifully contrived,
+apparatus made of ever so many wooden keys like the
+inside of a piano&mdash;only those are set in circles. It fits
+close to the head and you can make it looser or tighter,
+and when you've got it on you look like a Siamese king
+in his crown. And when you take it off you tear out a
+piece of paper and that gives you the exact measure to a
+hair's-breadth. Come, I'm ready."</p>
+
+<p>His face relaxed into a serious kind of smile.</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," he said, "you shall have it on, Sir, if you
+like. But I thought, being an old customer and your
+measure being known, it might not be necessary."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well," I said, "I'll give up the machine, but I
+don't see how I can take any further pleasure in this
+purchase. Still, if you know me so well&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"We don't forget customers of thirty years' standing,"
+he said proudly.</p>
+
+<p>"That settles it," I said. "I will now buy four hats&mdash;a
+top-hat, a bowler, a soft felt and a straw hat."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Sir," he said, and from an upper tier he extracted
+a hat-box out of which he shortly produced a top-hat and
+placed it on my head. It did not fit at first, but fire soon
+reduced it to obedience.</p>
+
+<p>"The others must be similarly treated," I said as I left
+the shop.</p>
+
+<p>Unfortunately in the interval it had begun to rain and
+every taxi seemed to be taken. You know what a new
+top-hat looks like after that. However, with two hats to
+choose from, I am now ready to face Mrs. Latimer's
+footman.</p>
+
+<p>R. C. L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"It has been arranged that the dinner which the Modern Languages
+Association had intended to give to Professor Rudolf Eucken,
+of Jena, on the occasion of his forthcoming visit to England to lecture
+before the Association, shall be amalgamated with the public dinner
+arranged by the Committee of Friends and Admirers of Professor
+Eucken."&mdash;<i>Morning Post.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Professor Eucken (at last giving way)</i>: "What <i>is</i> this,
+waiter?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Waiter (confidentially)</i>: "Another little amalgamation, Sir.
+The Modern Languages' ice pudding and the Friends and
+Admirers' soft roes on toast."</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span>
+
+<h3>PENNY WISDOM.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/203.png"><img width="100%" src="images/203.png" alt=""/></a><p>"In view of the grave importance of the present political
+situation <i>The Times</i> will be reduced in price to a
+penny."&mdash;<i>Press Association</i>.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/205.png"><img width="100%" src="images/205.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Reclining Nut</i>. "<span class="sc">I don't bother to hold the
+girls now-a-days, I just let 'em nestle</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR NEW PENNY PAPER.</h2>
+
+<p>Thanks to Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson</span>&mdash;or,
+as <i>The Times</i> prefers to put it, "the
+grave importance of the present political
+situation"&mdash;the price of <i>The Times</i> has
+fallen to one penny.</p>
+
+<p>While it must be admitted that the
+famous journal is well worth a penny,
+we think it only fair to say that certain
+issues of <i>The Daily Mail</i> and <i>Evening
+News</i> last week, whose amazing editorial
+organisations were so freely and
+disinterestedly engaged in overcoming
+colossal obstacles in order to give
+information about the approaching
+revolution, were worth anything from
+fourpence to ninepence apiece.</p>
+
+<p>If these philanthropic journals had
+not been behind <i>The Times</i> last week,
+what might we not have missed? Who,
+for instance, would have learned that;
+"the price (2<i>d.</i>) ... was equivalent to
+that of one penny paper and two halfpenny
+papers <i>per diem</i>"? We have
+checked that statement, with the aid of
+a ready-reckoner and a Latin dictionary,
+and we find it substantially correct.
+We are also able to agree to the further
+statement made last Thursday, that
+"from Monday next <i>The Times</i>, together
+with any one of the halfpenny
+morning papers, will be obtainable for
+less than the present price of <i>The Times</i>
+alone." If the mathematician who dug
+up that fact had said "evening" instead
+of "morning" his statement, curiously
+enough, would still have been right.</p>
+
+<p>Thanks to the reminder from <i>The
+Evening News</i> that first numbers had
+been known to become valuable, fetching
+from &pound;10 to &pound;100, some 27,000 people
+put aside nice clean copies of <i>The Times</i>
+on Monday, in the hope of selling them
+at a profit of about 24,000 per cent,
+in 1964.</p>
+
+<p>The greatest achievement in the
+annals of journalism was of course <i>The
+Daily Mail</i> man's successful attempt
+to interview the publisher of <i>The Times</i>.
+How he managed it we cannot think;
+but we are very, very grateful to him.
+We may add that ours is the only
+journal that has succeeded in interviewing
+the intrepid reporter. "How
+did you contrive to force your way
+through the seething mass in Printing
+House Square, and pass the closely-guarded
+portals of the world's chief
+and largest newspaper office; and by
+what means did you persuade the
+Colossus of publishing to tell you anything
+about it?" we asked. We regret
+that we cannot give his reply; only
+the incomparable genius of the painter
+of <i>La Gioconda</i> could do that.</p>
+
+<p>A curious incident took place outside
+the Mansion House on Monday. In
+the Agony Column of a famous two-penny
+newspaper on Saturday the
+following announcement had appeared:
+"Will wate f. u. outsd. Mansn. Hs.
+10-11 Mon. morn. Carry cop. <i>Times</i>
+so I may no its u." A frantic lady
+rushed at so many young and middle-aged
+men, exclaiming, "Horace! at last
+we meet!" that long before 10.30 it
+was necessary for a kindly City policeman
+to lead her away to a neighbouring
+chemist's for first aid.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The fact that to-day is the 104th anniversary
+of the birth of Mr. Gladstone prompts
+reflection as to the different ways in which
+their birthdays have been regarded by some
+famous men."&mdash;<i>Westminster Gazette.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>The Writer (as he finishes)</i>: "Got it in
+at last, thank Heaven!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A number of motor-cars, including one
+belonging to Mr. Lloyd George, are blocked
+in the Snowdon district, and the sheep farmers
+are much perturbed."&mdash;<i>Morning Post.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>However, they can sleep soundly in
+their beds now, for he is back in London
+again.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span>
+
+<h2>THE SLIT TROUSER.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note">(Whose arrival in England is reported
+in the photographic press.)</blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>You who see advanced attire</p>
+<p class="i2">Photographed for you to mock,</p>
+<p>Hold your ridicule or ire,</p>
+<p class="i2">Wax not scornful at the shock;</p>
+<p>Let not your compassion freeze,</p>
+<p class="i2">Hark to Archie for a bit,</p>
+<p>Ponder, if you please, his pleas,</p>
+<p class="i2">Patience, ere you slight his slit.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Long there raged a warfare grim</p>
+<p class="i2">In the councils of the Nut;</p>
+<p>Socks were all in all to him</p>
+<p class="i2">Abso-simply-lutely; <i>but</i>&mdash;</p>
+<p>Here's a problem for you pat&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">How shall Archibald disclose</p>
+<p>Through the thickness of the spat</p>
+<p class="i2">Iridescent demi-hose?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yesteryear that problem vexed;</p>
+<p class="i2">One day spatted he would fare,</p>
+<p>Lacking colour; and the next</p>
+<p class="i2">Spatless, in chromatic wear.</p>
+<p>No dilemma reads him now,</p>
+<p class="i2">Bidding this or that to go.</p>
+<p>See, his side-cleft bags allow</p>
+<p class="i2">Spat and sock an equal show.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>TACT.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/206.png"><img width="100%" src="images/206.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Mr. Anchor always wears a moustache for the soup
+course whenever his uncle, the general (from whom he has expectations),
+dines with him.</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"DASH."</h2>
+
+<p>"There's no book
+like it," said A. "Get
+it at once."</p>
+
+<p>"You must read <i>Dash</i>," said B.</p>
+
+<p>"If you take my advice," said C.,
+"and you know I'm not easily pleased
+by modern fiction, you'll get <i>Dash</i> and
+simply peg away till you've finished it.
+It's marvellous."</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose you've read Darnock's
+<i>Dash</i>?" said D. "It's by far his best
+thing."</p>
+
+<p>At dinner my partner on each side
+gurglingly wished to know how I liked
+<i>Dash</i>, taking it for granted that I knew
+it more or less by heart.</p>
+
+<p>So having read some of Darnock's
+earlier work and thought it good, I
+acquired a copy of <i>Dash</i> and settled
+down to it.</p>
+
+<p>I had not read more than two pages
+when it occurred to me that I ought
+to know what the other books in the
+library parcel were; so I went to look
+at them. One was a series of episodes
+in the career of a wonderful blind
+policeman who, in spite of his infirmity,
+performed prodigies of tact on point
+duty, and by the time I had finished
+glancing through this it was bed-time.
+I put <i>Dash</i> under my arm, for I always
+read for half-an-hour or so in bed. How
+it happened I cannot imagine, but when
+I picked up the book and began to
+read I found, much to my surprise, that
+it was the other library novel.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you begun <i>Dash</i> yet?" B.
+asked me at lunch.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, rather," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"I envy you," he replied. "How
+far have you got?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not very far yet," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"It's fine, isn't it?" he remarked.</p>
+
+<p>"Fine."</p>
+
+<p>The next evening I had just taken
+up <i>Dash</i> again when I remembered
+that that other novel must be finished
+if it was to be changed on the morrow,
+so I turned dutifully to that instead.
+It was a capital story about a criminal
+who murdered people in an absolutely
+undetectable way by lending them a
+poisoned pencil which would not mark
+until the point was moistened. I enjoyed
+it thoroughly.</p>
+
+<p>The next evening I was getting on
+famously with the fifth page of <i>Dash</i>
+when the library parcel again arrived,
+containing two new books for those I
+had returned in the morning.</p>
+
+<p>Meeting C. the next day he asked
+me if I did not think <i>Dash</i> the finest
+thing I had ever read.</p>
+
+<p>I said yes, but asked him if he had
+not found it a little difficult to get into.</p>
+
+<p>"Possibly," he said, "possibly. But
+what a reward!"</p>
+
+<p>"You like books all in long conversations?"
+I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"I love <i>Dash</i>," he said, "anyway."</p>
+
+<p>"Did you read every word?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, not perhaps every word," he
+replied, "but I got the sense of every
+page. I read like that, you know&mdash;synthetically."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, of course," I said.</p>
+
+<p>The next day I changed the two
+library books that were finished for
+two more, but it was <i>Dash</i> which I
+took up first. There is no doubt about
+its being a very remarkable book, but
+I had had a rather heavy day and
+my brain was not at its best. What
+extraordinary novels people do write
+nowadays! Fancy making a whole
+book, as the author of <i>Hot Maraschino</i>
+has done, out of the Elberfeldt talking
+horses! In this book, which has an
+excellent murder in a stable in it, the
+criminal is given away by a horse who
+tells her master (it is a mare) what she
+saw. I couldn't lay the story down.</p>
+
+<p>That night I dined out and heard more
+about <i>Dash</i>. In fact, I myself started
+one long conversation on that topic
+with an idle lady who really had read
+every word. I went on to recommend
+it right and left.  "You
+must read <i>Dash</i>," I said
+at intervals; "it's extraordinarily
+good."</p>
+
+<p>"Some one was telling
+me he couldn't get on
+with it at all," said one
+of my partners.</p>
+
+<p>"Not really?" I said,
+and clicked my tongue
+reproachfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, he says it's so
+involved and rambling."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, well," I said,
+"one must persevere.
+Books mustn't be too
+easy. For my part&mdash;&mdash;Yes,
+champagne, please."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll get it, anyway,"
+she said. "I feel sure
+your judgment is sound."</p>
+
+<p>Looking in at the club
+later I found D. playing snooker. After
+missing an easy shot he turned the talk
+to <i>Dash</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Tip-top, isn't it?" he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Which is your favourite chapter?"
+I asked.</p>
+
+<p>His face told me I had him.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, well, that's difficult to say," he
+replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Surely you think that one about
+the stevedore's spaniel, towards the
+end, is terrific?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course that's fine," he replied,
+"but I was just wondering whether&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>But I didn't stop to listen. There
+is no stevedore and no spaniel in the
+whole book, as I had carefully ascertained.</p>
+
+<p>The next day I had A., B. and C.
+with the same device.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile I am plodding away with
+<i>Dash</i>. I have now reached page 27.
+A great book, as all agree. But the
+books that I shall read while I am
+reading it will make a most interesting
+list.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/207.png"><img width="100%" src="images/207.png" alt="" /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Arrivals at Fancy Dress Ball</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Policeman.</i> "<span class="sc">Now then, come along there, come along</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Taxi-Driver.</i> "<span class="sc">'Arf a jiff, Copper; I think they've stitched
+Romeo's money into 'is backbone</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A HARD CASE.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;As the friend of
+my family from 1846, I ask you for
+advice on a subject which touches me
+painfully both as a husband and a
+father. My wife is, as I personally
+know, the dearest woman in Great
+Britain, and our child is, I am credibly
+informed, the finest child in Europe.
+<i>Infandum renovare dolorem.</i></p>
+
+<p>Our child is four months old; it is
+named Eunice. Yesterday I found my
+dear wife with the infant weeping
+piteously&mdash;my wife, that is, not the infant.
+I proceeded at once to use all the
+means in my power to soothe her and
+to ascertain the reason of her unhappy
+state. But it was only after a considerable
+time and the expenditure of no
+little ingenuity on my part that she
+revealed the secret.</p>
+
+<p>"I knew how it would be, John," she
+said between her sobs, "I knew from
+the first. I felt sure that, when baby
+came you wouldn't care for her. And&mdash;and
+you <i>don't</i>."</p>
+
+<p>I at once took the child in my arms
+and guggled to it. The child, I am
+happy to tell you, Sir, responded at once
+to my paternal attention and guggled
+happily in reply. I felt patriotic pride
+in the part I had taken in adding to the
+womanhood of my beloved country.</p>
+
+<p>A few days later I found my wife
+sobbing violently. Carrying the child
+with me&mdash;it was still guggling&mdash;I
+crossed to her and again used my best
+endeavours, not only in consolation, but
+to ascertain the cause of her fresh unhappiness.
+Again it was long before I
+obtained a reply. But at last she said:
+"I knew how it would be, John," her
+sobbing was as violent as before, "I
+knew from the first. I felt sure that
+when baby came you would only care
+for her and neglect me."</p>
+
+<p>Now, Sir, what shall I do?</p>
+
+<p>Your inquiring admirer,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Matthew Haile</span>.</p>
+
+<p>P.S.&mdash;My wife is sobbing again as I
+write. I have at last ascertained her
+trouble. It is that I don't care for the
+baby.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The other night a rabbit ran for a quarter-of-a-mile
+in the flare of a lighted motor-car on
+the Eggleston road."&mdash;<i>Teesdale Mercury.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>"I hope," puffed the rabbit, well within
+record at the end of the fourteenth lap,
+"I hope it won't burn itself out before
+I've finished."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"To accomplish this distance at an average
+speed of 20 miles per hour would take 28-1/2
+hours. To this time, however, had to be added
+the Channel crossing both ways, which takes,
+roughly, about eight hours."&mdash;<i>Motor Cycling.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>"Roughly" is good, alas!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>It is difficult to order our emotions
+as we would have them be. Try as we
+will, we cannot read aloud the following
+extract from <i>The Birmingham Weekly
+Post</i> with the solemnity which properly
+it should call forth:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A feature of the programme was the opening
+chorus. During this a lady gardener in
+male attire arrived on the stage with a wheelbarrow
+full of vegetables, and caused amusement
+by throwing these among the audience.
+Presently the missiles commenced to hit
+persons, one victim, being the vicar, who,
+struck in the eye by a turnip, was compelled
+to retire."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span>
+
+<h2>ORANGES AND LEMONS.</h2>
+
+<h3>II.&mdash;<span class="sc">On the way</span>.</h3>
+
+<p>"Toulon," announced Archie, as the
+train came to a stop and gave out its
+plaintive dying whistle. "Naval port
+of our dear allies, the French. This
+would interest Thomas."</p>
+
+<p>"If he weren't asleep," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"He'll be here directly," said
+Simpson from the little table for two
+on the other side of the gangway.
+"I'm afraid he had a bad night. Here,
+<i>gar&ccedil;on</i>&mdash;er&mdash;<i>donnez-moi du caf&eacute; et</i>&mdash;er&mdash;&mdash;"But
+the waiter had slipped
+past him again&mdash;the fifth time.</p>
+
+<p>"Have some of ours," said Myra
+kindly, holding out the pot.</p>
+
+<p>"Thanks very much, Myra, but I
+may as well wait for Thomas, and&mdash;<i>gar&ccedil;on,
+du caf&eacute; pour</i>&mdash;I don't think
+he'll be&mdash;<i>deux caf&eacute;s, gar&ccedil;on, s'il vous</i>&mdash;it's
+going to be a lovely day."</p>
+
+<p>Thomas came in quietly, sat down
+opposite Simpson, and ordered breakfast.</p>
+
+<p>"Samuel wants some too," said
+Myra.</p>
+
+<p>Thomas looked surprised, grunted
+and ordered another breakfast.</p>
+
+<p>"You see how easy it is," said
+Archie. "Thomas, we're at Toulon,
+where the <i>ententes cordiales</i> come from.
+You ought to have been up long ago
+taking notes for the Admiralty."</p>
+
+<p>"I had a rotten night," said Thomas.
+"Simpson fell out of bed in the middle
+of it."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, poor Samuel!"</p>
+
+<p>"You don't mean to say you gave
+him the top berth!"  I asked in
+surprise. "You must have known
+he'd fall out."</p>
+
+<p>"But Thomas dear, surely Samuel's
+just falling-out-of-bed noise wouldn't
+wake you up," said Myra. "I always
+thought you slept so well."</p>
+
+<p>"He tried to get back into <i>my</i> bed."</p>
+
+<p>"I was a little dazed," explained
+Simpson hastily, "and I hadn't got my
+spectacles."</p>
+
+<p>"Still you ought to have been able
+to see Thomas there."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I did see him as soon as
+I got in, and then I remembered I was
+up above. So I climbed up."</p>
+
+<p>"It must be rather difficult climbing
+up at night," thought Dahlia.</p>
+
+<p>"Not if you get a good take-off,
+Dahlia," said Simpson earnestly.</p>
+
+<p>"Simpson got a good one off my
+face," explained Thomas.</p>
+
+<p>"My dear old chap, I was frightfully
+sorry. I did come down at once and
+tell you how sorry I was, didn't I?"</p>
+
+<p>"You stepped back on to it," said
+Thomas shortly, and he turned his
+attention to the coffee.</p>
+
+<p>Our table had finished breakfast.
+Dahlia and Myra got up slowly, and
+Archie and I filled our pipes and followed
+them out.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, we'll leave you to it," said
+Archie to the other table. "Personally,
+I think it's Thomas's turn to step on
+Simpson. You ought to assert yourself,
+Thomas, anyhow. Throw some jam at
+him and then let bygones be bygones.
+But don't be long, because there's a
+good view coming."</p>
+
+<p>The good view came, and then
+another and another, and they merged
+together and became one long moving
+panorama of beauty. We stood in the
+corridor and drank it in ... and at
+intervals we said "Oh-h!" and "Oh,
+I say!" and "Oh, I say, <i>really!</i>" And
+there was one particular spot&mdash;I wish
+I could remember where, so that it
+might be marked by a suitable tablet&mdash;at
+the sight of which Simpson was
+overheard to say "<i>Mon Dieu</i>!" for
+(probably) the first time in his life.</p>
+
+<p>"You know, all these are olive trees,
+you chaps," he said every five minutes.
+"I wonder if there are any olives
+growing on them?"</p>
+
+<p>"Too early," said Archie. "It's the
+sardine season now."</p>
+
+<p>It was at Cannes that we saw the
+first oranges.</p>
+
+<p>"That does it," I said to Myra.
+"We're really here. And look, there's
+a lemon tree. Give me the oranges
+and lemons and you can have all the
+palms and the cactuses and the olives."</p>
+
+<p>"Like polar bears in the arctic
+region," said Myra.</p>
+
+<p>I thought for a moment. Superficially
+there is very little resemblance
+between an orange and a polar bear.</p>
+
+<p>"Like polar bears," I said hopefully.</p>
+
+<p>"I mean," luckily she went on,
+"polar bears do it for you in the polar
+regions. You really know you're there
+then. Give me the polar bears, I always
+say, and you can keep the seals and the
+walruses and the penguins. It's the
+hall-mark."</p>
+
+<p>"Eight. I knew you meant something.
+In London," I went on, "it
+is raining. Looking out of my window
+I see a lamp-post (not in flower) beneath
+a low grey sky. Here we see
+oranges against a blue sky a million
+miles deep. What a blend! Myra,
+let's go to a fancy-dress ball when we
+got back. You go as an orange and
+I'll go as a very blue, blue sky, and
+you shall lean against me."</p>
+
+<p>"And we'll dance the tangerine,"
+said Myra.</p>
+
+<p>But now observe us approaching
+Monte Carlo. For an hour past Simpson
+has been collecting his belongings.
+Two bags, two coats, a camera, a rug,
+Thomas, golf-clubs, books&mdash;his compartment
+is full of things which have
+to be kept under his eye lest they
+should evade him at the last moment.
+As the train leaves Monaco his excitement
+is intense.</p>
+
+<p>"I think, old chap," he says to
+Thomas, "I'll wear the coats after
+all."</p>
+
+<p>"And the bags," says Thomas, "and
+then you'll have a suit."</p>
+
+<p>Simpson puts on the two coats and
+appears very big and hot.</p>
+
+<p>"I'd better have my hands free," he
+says, and straps the camera and the
+golf clubs on to himself. "Then if you
+nip out and get a porter I can hand the
+bags out to him through the window."</p>
+
+<p>"All right," says Thomas. He is
+deep in his book and looks as if he were
+settled in his corner of the carriage for
+the day.</p>
+
+<p>The train stops. There is bustle,
+noise, confusion. Thomas in some
+magical way has disappeared. A porter
+appears at the open window and speaks
+voluble French to Simpson. Simpson
+looks round wildly for Thomas.
+"Thomas!" he cries. "<i>Un moment</i>," he
+says to the porter. "Thomas! <i>Mon ami,
+il n'est pas</i>&mdash;&mdash;I say, Thomas, old
+chap, where are you? <i>Attendez un moment.
+Mon ami</i>&mdash;er&mdash;<i>reviendra</i>&mdash;&mdash;"He
+is very hot. He is wearing, in
+addition to what one doesn't mention,
+an ordinary waistcoat, a woolly waist-coat
+for steamer use, a tweed coat, an
+aquascutum, an ulster, a camera and a
+bag of golf clubs. The porter, with
+many gesticulations, is still hurling
+French at him.</p>
+
+<p>It is too much for Simpson. He
+puts his head out of the window and,
+observing in the distance a figure of
+such immense dignity that it can only
+belong to the station-master, utters to
+him across the hurly-burly a wild call
+for help.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>O&ugrave; est</i> <span class="sc">Cook's</span> <i>homme</i>?" he cries.</p>
+
+<p>A. A. M.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"THE GREAT CONFLICT.</p>
+
+<p>1886&mdash;&mdash;1914&mdash;&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The End is Not Yet</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">To-morrow</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Observer.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Well, well! After twenty-eight years
+we can wait another day.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Essay club</span>: <i>March 1st</i>. The Poetry of
+John Masefield, <i>or</i> Vegetarianism&mdash;is it more
+Humane?"&mdash;<i>Time and Talents.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Less blood-stained, anyhow.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a letter in <i>The Natal Mercury</i>
+headed "Butter through the Post":&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"We send it to Donnybrook by the quickest
+method, i.e., on the post-card."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We have often found some on our post-cards.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span>
+
+<h2>THE GALLANT SONS OF MARS.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"A troop of the Queen's Bays, 2nd Dragoon Guards, while galloping
+past the Royal Pavilion at Aldershot, observed a woman fall from her
+bicycle in a faint.</p>
+
+<p>"They instantly drew rein, and, dismounting, assisted her to the 5th
+Dragoon Guards orderly room, where they vied with each other in giving
+her every possible attention.</p>
+
+<p>"She speedily recovered and was able to resume her journey to
+Farnborough."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/209a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/209a.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">A young lady, while walking by a kiosk in which the
+band of the Royal Heavies was performing, by a mischance got a fly in
+her eye. Perceiving her plight, the bandsmen immediately ceased playing
+and ran to her assistance, each contesting with the other to remove the
+offending insect.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/209b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/209b.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">In a high wind last week on Laffan's Plain an old
+gentleman lost his umbrella. Some Lancers taking part in a sham fight at
+once went in pursuit and speedily restored the recalcitrant article to
+its grateful owner.</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/209c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/209c.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Last Saturday, while at play, a small boy had the
+misfortune to lose his hold of a toy-balloon. A squadron of the Army
+Flying Corps, witnessing the little fellow's grief, at once rendered
+assistance and, with the aid of a monoplane, quickly retrieved the
+bauble.</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%" src="images/210.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Lady (to elderly and confidential maid)</i>. <span class="sc">"I've
+often wondered why you've never married, Simpson</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Simpson (disdainfully)</i>. "<span class="sc">I don't like men in any form, my lady</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE WILD SWAN.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note">Lament on a very rare bird who recently appeared in
+England and was immediately shot.</blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Over the sea (ye maids) a wild swan came;</p>
+<p class="i2">(O maidens) it was but the other day;</p>
+<p>Men saw him as he passed, with earnest aim</p>
+<p class="i2">To some sequestered spot down Norfolk way&mdash;</p>
+<p>A thing whose like had not been seen for years:</p>
+<p><i>Lament, ye damsels, nor refuse your tears</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Serene, he winged his alabaster flight</p>
+<p class="i2">Neath the full beams of the mistaken sun</p>
+<p>O'er gazing crowds, till at th' unwonted sight</p>
+<p class="i2">Some unexpected sportsman with a gun</p>
+<p>Brought down the bird, all fluff, mid sounding cheers:</p>
+<p><i>Mourn, maidens, mourn, and wipe the thoughtful tears</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Well you may weep. No common bird was he.</p>
+<p class="i2">Has it not long been known, the whole world wide,</p>
+<p>A wild swan is a prince of faerie,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who comes in such disguise to choose his bride</p>
+<p>From those of humble lot and tame careers,</p>
+<p><i>Of whom I now require some punctual tears</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Wherefore, I say, let every scullion-wench</p>
+<p class="i2">Grieve, nor the dairy-maid from sobs refrain;</p>
+<p>The sad postmistress, too, should feel the wrench,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the lone tweeny of her loss complain;</p>
+<p>Let one&mdash;let all afflict the listening spheres:</p>
+<p><i>Deplore, ye maids, his fate with rueful tears</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It was for these he sought this teeming land,</p>
+<p>High on the silvery wings of old romance;</p>
+<p>One knows not where; he had bestowed his hand,</p>
+<p>But e'en the least had stood an equal chance</p>
+<p>Of such fair triumph, o'er her bitter peers</p>
+<p><i>And the sweet pleasure of their anguished tears</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>O prince of faerie! O stately swan!</p>
+<p class="i2">And ye, whose hopes are with the might-have-beens,</p>
+<p>Curst be the wretch through whom those hopes have gone,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who blew your magic swain to smithereens;</p>
+<p>Let your full-sorrows whelm his stricken ears;</p>
+<p><i>Lament, ye damsels, nor refuse your tears</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Dum-dum</span>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>The Lady's Realm</i> on a new film:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The cost from first to last amounted to &pound;12,000 ... The entire
+cast&mdash;an enormous one, numbering eight thousand people ... visited
+Rome and the Nile."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This decides us where to spend our holidays. To do
+Rome and the Nile for &pound;1 10<i>s.</i> a head is not a chance to
+be missed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>It has been asked, "Where were the police?" Here is
+the answer:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The six cuts appeared to have been inflicted with the cutting edge
+of a chopper, and the seventh with the flat part of the end of the
+copper."&mdash;<i>Manchester Guardian.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Robert (putting his foot through the picture)</i>: "May as
+well make a job of it."</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span>
+
+<h3>THE LATEST VELASQUITH.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/211.png"><img width="100%" src="images/211.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Mr. Punch</span> (<i>to Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span></i>)
+"DON'T HACK IT ABOUT NOW. YOU'LL HAVE TWO CHANCES IN THE NEXT SIX
+YEARS."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page213" id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<h3>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</h3>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 9.</i>&mdash;When
+on conclusion of Questions the
+<span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> rose to move Second
+Reading of Home Rule Bill, House
+presented appearance seen only once
+or twice in lifetime of a Parliament.
+Chamber crowded from floor to topmost
+bench of Strangers' Gallery.
+Members who could not find seats
+made for the side galleries, filling
+both rows two deep. Still later comers
+patiently stood at the Bar throughout
+the full hour occupied by the historic
+speech. A group more comfortably
+settled themselves on the steps of the
+<span class="sc">Speaker's</span> Chair. The principal nations
+of the world were represented in the
+Diplomatic Gallery by their ambassadors.
+As for the peers, they fought
+for places in limited space allotted to
+them with the energy of messenger-boys
+paid to secure places in the queue
+of first night of new play at popular
+theatre.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/213a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/213a.png" alt=""/></a><p>MIJNHEER KAARSON.
+(<i>The New Orange Free Stater.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>[Mr. <span class="sc">William O'Brien</span> referred to Ulster
+as the new "Orange" Free State, which has
+just received official recognition.]</p></div>
+
+<p>Entering while Questions were in
+progress <span class="sc">Premier</span> was received with
+rousing cheer. Renewed with fuller
+force when he stood at the Table
+to discharge his momentous task. That
+the enthusiasm was largely testimony
+to personal popularity and esteem appeared
+from what followed. Weighed
+down with gravity of responsibility, as
+he unfolded his plan he found lacking
+the inspiration of continuous outbursts
+of cheering that usually punctuate
+important speeches by Party leaders.</p>
+
+<p>Radicals and Nationalists were prepared
+to accept his concessions to
+Ulster feeling; but they did not like
+them. <span class="sc">Redmond's</span> declaration that the
+<span class="sc">Premier</span> "has gone to the very extremest
+limits of concession" drew from
+Ministerialists a more strident cheer
+than any accorded to their Leader as
+he expounded his plan.</p>
+
+<p>Consciousness of this significant luke-warmness
+reacted upon <span class="sc">Premier</span>. He
+spoke with unusual slowness, further
+developing tendency of recent growth
+to drop his voice at end of sentence.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Bonner Law</span> studiously quiet in
+manner, moderate in speech. Nevertheless,
+perhaps therefore, made it
+clear that <span class="sc">Premier's</span> overtures, unloved
+by his followers, will not be welcomed
+by Opposition. <span class="sc">Carson</span>, who had enthusiastic
+reception from Unionists,
+flashed forth epigram that put Ulster's
+view in a phrase.</p>
+
+<p>"We don't want sentence of death,"
+he said, "with a stay of execution for
+six years."</p>
+
+<p>Circumstances provided <span class="sc">Tim Healy's</span>
+opportunity. Seized it with both hands.
+On behalf of Liberal Party, <span class="sc">Premier</span>
+proposed the vivisection of Ireland.
+<span class="sc">John Redmond</span> consented. Plan submitted
+was that four counties of Ulster
+might, if they pleased, be excluded
+from operation of Home Rule Act for
+period of six years.</p>
+
+<p>"Would any sane Britisher," <span class="sc">Tim</span>
+asked, "embark upon civil war for the
+difference between six years and 666
+years?" As he mentioned the Number
+of the Beast <span class="sc">Tim</span> turned to regard the
+Irish Leader perched in corner seat at
+top of Gangway. "Why should not
+the hon. gentleman give up that, as he
+has given up everything else? The
+remains of his principles ornament
+every step of the Gangway."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Second Reading of
+Home Rule Bill moved. Debate adjourned
+for indefinite period.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Prospect of <span class="sc">Chancellor
+of Exchequer</span> brought up at Bar by
+<span class="sc">Randles</span> and <span class="sc">Cassel</span> attracted big
+House in spite of trial opening in mid-dinner-hour.
+As the quarters of an
+hour sped benches continued to fill up
+till, when <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> rose to offer
+his defence (which speedily merged into
+form of attack), there were fully live
+hundred present.</p>
+
+<p>Prisoner indicted on grounds of
+repeated inaccuracy, particularly on
+account of ineradicable tendency to
+speak disrespectfully of dukes. Nothing
+could be nicer than manner of
+prosecuting counsel. They were there
+to discharge a public duty as champions
+of the truth, vindicators of desirable
+habit of abstention from exaggeration.</p>
+
+<p>"I am," said <span class="sc">Randles</span>, "not here
+to be personally disagreeable to the
+<span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span>,
+whom I have always found genial and
+courteous."</p>
+
+<p>As for the junior counsel, he was
+affected almost to tears in prospect of
+task jointly committed to him.</p>
+
+<p>"I do not wish," he said in his opening
+sentence, "to make anything I say
+more offensive or unpleasant than&mdash;than
+the necessities of the case warrant."</p>
+
+<p>Ribald Radicals laughed loudly at
+this way of putting it. With the more
+sober-minded its ingenuousness had
+favourable effect, maintained throughout
+admirable speech.</p>
+
+<p>No one enjoyed the affair more than
+prisoner at the bar. Like his great
+prototype, <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> is never so
+happy as when, with back against wall,
+he turns to face an attacking host.</p>
+
+<p>"Reminds me of days that are no
+more," said the <span class="sc">Member for Sark</span>,
+looking on animated scene from modest
+quarters on a back bench. "Feel thirty
+years younger. Am transported as by
+a magical Eastern carpet to times when
+<span class="sc">Don Jos&eacute;</span> rushed about the country,
+fluttering his Unauthorised Programme,
+bearding barons in their dens, lashing
+out at landlords, and unceremoniously
+digging dukes in the ribs, what time
+a pack of scandalised Tories barked
+furiously at his heels. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>
+is an able man, courageous to boot,
+endowed with gift of turning out sentences
+that dwell in the memory,
+delighting some hearers, rankling in
+hearts of others. After all, he is
+but a replica, excellently done I admit,
+of the greatest work of art in the way
+of Parliamentary and political debate
+known to this generation."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/213b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/213b.png" alt=""/></a><p>The only bird that, in Mr. <span class="sc">Tim Healy's</span>
+view, requires the sympathies (if not contempt)
+of the Plumage Bill.</p></div>
+
+<p>Even while <span class="sc">Sark</span> murmured his confidences
+to his neighbour they were
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page214" id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span>
+pointed by dramatic turn in lively
+speech. Among charges of inaccuracy
+specially cited was <span class="sc">Lloyd George's</span>
+description of the Highland clearances,
+whereby, he asserted, "thousands of
+people were driven from their holdings
+by the exercise of the arbitrary power
+of the landlord." "I will give you an
+authority for that," he said, and proceeded
+to read a passage of burning
+eloquence, in which multitudes of hardworking,
+God-fearing people were depicted
+as driven from the land that had
+belonged to their ancestors, their cottages
+unroofed, themselves turned out
+homeless and forlorn.</p>
+
+<p>"Who said that?" scornfully inquired
+an incautious Member seated
+opposite.</p>
+
+<p>Quick came the reply.
+"The Right Honourable
+Member for West Birmingham,"
+the <span class="sc">Chancellor</span>
+answered in blandest tones.</p>
+
+<p>Followed up this neatly
+inserted thrust by quoting
+from Tory newspapers, platform
+and Parliamentary
+speeches what was said of
+<span class="sc">Don Jos&eacute;</span> in those his unregenerate
+days. Some of
+them curiously identical
+with those in use just now
+for edification and reproof
+of another public man.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Chancellor
+of Exchequer</span>
+indicted for habitual inaccuracy,
+gross and unfounded
+personal attacks on
+individuals. Vote of censure
+negatived by 304 votes
+against 240.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/214.png"><img width="100%" src="images/214.png" alt=""/></a><p>THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
+as seen by his opponents and by his admirers.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Major <span class="sc">John
+Augustus Hope</span>, late of
+the King's Royal Rifle Corps, nearly
+had his breath taken away at Question
+time. Close student of methods of
+<span class="sc">Worthington Evans</span>, <i>Mrs. Gummidge</i>
+of Parliamentary life, not yet
+recovered from depression as he sits
+below Gangway "thinking of the
+old 'un" (<span class="sc">Masterman</span>). The Major has
+of late displayed much industry in devising
+abstruse conundrums designed to
+bring to light dark places in working
+of Insurance Act. In <span class="sc">Masterman's</span>
+enforced and regretted absence, duty of
+replying to this class of Question on
+behalf of Minister undertaken by <span class="sc">Wedgwood
+Benn</span>, whose sprightly though
+always courteous replies greatly amuse
+both sides.</p>
+
+<p>To-day the Major fired off, as it wore
+from a mitrailleuse, volley of minute
+questions involving prolonged research
+on part of Minister to whom they were
+addressed. Before the smoke had quite
+cleared away <span class="sc">Benn</span> rose, remarked, "I
+assure the honourable and gallant gentleman
+he is totally incorrect," and
+resumed his seat.</p>
+
+<p>The Major gasped. After devotion
+of precious time to looking up material
+for his conundrums, after skill and
+labour bestowed in shaping them, was
+this the result? Every hair on his
+head bristled with indignation. His
+voice choked with anger. His eye,
+accustomed to survey other battlefields,
+gleamed on the laughing faces that
+confronted him. Unseemly merriment
+increased as he attempted to put Supplementary
+Questions, which got unaccountably
+mixed up between Section
+72 of the National Insurance Act, 1911,
+and the provision of Insurance Regulations
+(No. 2) (Scotland).</p>
+
+<p>If the Major survives shock more
+will be heard of this.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In Committee on
+Army Estimates.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A BOOK OF THE DAY.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc"><i>The Life-Story of a Turnip.</i> By Ato
+Mato</span>, F.R.V.S.  Illustrated in colour.
+<span class="sc">Messrs. Tuber, Root and Co.</span>  Price 3<i>s.</i> net.</p>
+
+<p>(Reviewed by A. D. Ryan, M.A.)</p>
+
+<p>There have been autobiographical
+studies of the animal world; why not
+of the vegetable? This is a delightful
+monograph, executed with consummate
+skill and verisimilitude throughout.
+The author, who holds the Professorship
+of Cereal Metaphysics at the
+University of Tokio, has devoted the
+greater part of his life to the study of
+the vegetable kingdom; and we need
+hardly remind our readers of the exceedingly
+interesting treatise, entitled
+"The Psychology of the Cabbage,"
+which appeared in a recent issue of
+the <i>Carnifugal Quarterly</i>.</p>
+
+<p>It is indeed time for a more scientific
+treatment of vegeto-animal phenomenon;
+and Mr. Mato is the pioneer of a
+science which, we hope, will soon receive
+the attention which it undoubtedly
+deserves. The present volume is
+in its way a masterpiece. The author
+has successfully avoided treating his
+subject from a too human point of
+view, and we are paying him a very
+high compliment when we say that
+the more we study the work the more
+we are impressed with what we may
+best describe as the "vegetability" of
+the writer's mind. The book is racy
+of the soil; it is written in a charming
+and convincing style, and bears the
+stamp of imaginative originality.
+An acquaintance
+to whom we lent the book
+admirably expresses the
+impression we had formed
+of it by saying that it
+might have been written by
+<span class="sc">Eustace</span> or <span class="sc">Hallie Miles</span>.
+It is characterised throughout
+by the lofty and
+detached spirit in which
+a cultured turnip would
+view the troubled course
+of mundane events. The
+sentiments expressed on
+such questions as Woman
+Suffrage, Home Rule, <span class="sc">Lloyd
+George's</span> land policy,
+though inevitably Radical
+in tendency, are admirably
+sane and unbiassed. We
+cannot do better, if we
+would convey to our readers
+some conception of the
+general tone of the work,
+than quote the opening
+paragraph:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"I was born of humble but worthy parents,
+but the first years" [weeks?] "of my existence
+were embittered by the loss of both father and
+mother. My father, who was then in the prime
+of life, was torn one day from the bosom of his
+family, tied up in a sack, and taken with
+some two hundred fellow-sufferers to a slaughter-house,
+where he was cruelly butchered.
+Still more tragic was the end of my dear
+mother. Like my father she was dragged
+away from her native soil. She was then
+hurled into an empty shed, where for many
+days she languished, deprived of both food
+and light. At last she was thrown into a
+tumbril with some five hundred unfortunates,
+carted to a neighbouring farm, thence deported
+in strict captivity to <span class="sc">Covent Garden</span>,
+and finally conveyed to the sumptuous household
+of Mr. <span class="sc">Bernard Shaw</span>, who devoured
+her in three gulps."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>From this poignant passage the
+reader may see for himself the profound
+understanding which Mr. Mato
+has brought to bear on his theme. We
+commend this book to all lovers of
+nature.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page215" id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span>
+
+<h2>THE CINEMA HABIT.</h2>
+
+<p>The writer of "The Ideal Film Plot,"
+which appeared in a recent issue of
+<i>Punch</i>, has quoted an "authority"
+(anonymous) for the approval of his
+scenario. It is quite evident that this
+"authority" (so-styled) must belong
+to the plebeian ranks of the film-world.
+It cannot reside in <i>our</i> suburb.</p>
+
+<p>Our cinema theatre is, I venture to
+state, of a far superior order, both as
+to drama and as to morality. It is not
+a mere lantern-hall, close and stuffy,
+with twopenny and fourpenny seats
+(half-price to children, and tea provided
+free at <i>matin&eacute;e</i> performances), but a
+white-and-gold Picturedrome, catering
+to an exclusive class of patrons at sixpence
+and a shilling, with neat attendants
+in dove-grey who atomise scent
+about the aisles, two palms, one at each
+side of the proscenium (<i>real</i> palms), and,
+in addition to a piano, a mustel organ
+to accompany the pathetic passages in
+the films. Moreover, the commissionaire
+outside, whose medals prove that
+he has seen service in the Charge of
+the Light Brigade, the Black Hole of
+Calcutta, and the Great Raid on the
+House of Commons in 1910, is not one
+of those blatant-voiced showmen who
+clamour for patronage; he is a quiet
+and dignified r&eacute;ceptionnaire, content to
+rely on the fame and good repute of
+his theatre. Sometimes evening dress
+(from "The Laburnums," Meadowsweet
+Avenue, who are on the Stock Exchange)
+is to be seen in the more
+expensive seats.</p>
+
+<p>It is unquestionably a high-class
+Picturedrome. True that the local
+dentist, who is a stickler for correct
+English, protests against the designation.
+I have pointed out to him that
+if a "Hippodrome" is a place where
+one sees performing hippos, then surely
+a place where one sees performing
+pictures is correctly styled a "Picturedrome."</p>
+
+<p>I am acquiring the cinema habit.</p>
+
+<p>It is very restful. Each film is preceded
+on the screen by a certificate
+showing that its morality has been
+guaranteed by Mr. <span class="sc">Redford</span>. I have
+complete confidence in Mr. <span class="sc">Redford's</span>
+sense of propriety. If, for instance, a
+bedroom scene is shown and a lady
+is about to change her gown, one's
+advance blushes are needless. That
+film will be arrested at the loosing of
+the first hook or button. Virtue will
+always be plainly triumphant and vice
+as plainly vanquished. Even the minor
+imperfections of character will be suitably
+punished. When on the screen
+we see Daisy, the flighty college girl,
+borrowing without permission her
+friend's hat, gown, shoes, necklace and
+curls in order to make a fascinating
+display before her young college man,
+it is certain that she will be publicly
+shamed by her friends and discredited
+in the eyes of her lover whose affections
+she seeks to win in this unmoral fashion.</p>
+
+<p>On the screen we shall be sure to
+meet many old friends. The young
+American society nuts, in square-rigged
+coats, spacious trousers, and knobbly
+shoes, will buzz around the pretty girl
+like flies around a honey-pot, clamouring
+for the privilege of presenting her
+with a twenty-dollar bouquet of
+American Beauty roses. The bouquet
+she accepts will be the hero's; and the
+other nuts will then group themselves
+in the background while she registers
+a glad but demure smile full in the eye
+of the camera.</p>
+
+<p>The hero, however, loses his paternal
+expectations in the maelstrom of Wall
+Street. Throwing off his coat&mdash;literally,
+because at the cinema we are left in no
+doubt as to intentions&mdash;he resolves to
+go "out West" and retrieve the family
+fortunes.</p>
+
+<p>Our old friends the cow-boys meet
+him at the wooden shack which represents
+the railway station at Waybackville,
+registering great glee at the
+prospect of hazing a tenderfoot. We
+know full well that he will eventually
+win their respect and high regard&mdash;probably
+by foiling a dastardly plot on
+the part of a Mexican half-breed&mdash;and
+we are therefore in no anxiety of mind
+when they raise the dust around his
+feet with their six-shooters, toss him
+in a blanket or entice him on to a
+meek-looking, but in reality record-busting,
+broncho.</p>
+
+<p>In the middle of the drama we look
+forward to the "chases," and we are
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page216" id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span>
+never disappointed. Our pursued hero,
+attired in the picturesque bandarilleros
+of shaggy mohair and the open-throated
+shirterino of the West, will race through
+the tangled thickets of the picadoro-trees;
+thunder down the crumbling
+banks of amontillados so steep that
+the camera probably gets a crick in
+the neck looking up at him; ride the
+foaming torrent with one hand clasping
+the mane of his now tamed broncho,
+and the other hand triggering his
+shooting-iron; and eventually fall exhausted
+from the horse at the very
+doorstep of the ranch, one arm, pinged
+by a dastardly rifle-bullet, dangling
+helplessly by his side. (It is, by the
+way, always the arm or shoulder; the
+cinema never allows him to get it distressingly
+in the leg or in the neck.)</p>
+
+<p>In the ultimate, with the wounded
+arm in a sling, he will tenderly embrace
+the heroine through a hundred feet of
+film, she meanwhile registering great
+joy and trustfulness, until the scene
+slowly darkens into blackness, and the
+screen suddenly announces that the
+next item on the programme will be
+No. 7, Exclusive to the Picturedrome.</p>
+
+<p>We are greatly favoured with "exclusives."
+It may be possible that
+other suburbs have these films, but it
+must be second-hand, after we have
+finished with them. The names of
+the artistes who create the <i>r&oacute;les</i> are
+announced on the screen: "<i>Captain
+Jack Reckless</i>&mdash;Mr. Courcy van Highball,"
+or it maybe "<i>Juliet</i>, Miss
+Mamie Euffles." Or it is a film taken
+at the local regatta or athletic sports,
+and the actors in it include all the
+notabilities of the district. We flock
+to see how we (or our neighbours) look
+on the screen, and enjoy a hearty laugh
+when the scullers of "The Laburnums"
+register a crab full in the eye of the
+camera, or "The Oleanders" canoe
+receives a plenteous backwash from a
+river-steamer.</p>
+
+<p>But the staple fare is drama&mdash;red-blooded
+drama, where one is never in
+doubt as to who is in love with whom,
+and how much. Sometimes, to be
+frank, there is a passing flirtation, due
+to pique, between a wife and a third
+party, leading to misunderstandings,
+complications and blank despair on the
+part of the husband; but as there is
+always a "little one" somewhere in
+the background, we are never anxious
+as to the final outcome. It will end
+with the husband embracing the repentant
+(but stainless) wife, and at the
+same time extending a manly hand of
+reconciliation to the third party.</p>
+
+<p>We also like the dying fiddler (with
+visions) and the motor-car splurges&mdash;especially
+the latter. In our daily life
+we are plagued with motor-cars, cycle-cars
+and motor-cycle side-cars, being
+on a highroad from London town to
+the country; but on the screen we
+adore them.</p>
+
+<p>The cinema is very restful. There
+are no problems to vex the moral judgment;
+no psychological doubts; no
+anxieties. It will be "the mixture as
+before," ending in the loving, lingering
+kiss.</p>
+
+<p>Say what you will of Mr. <span class="sc">Redford</span>,
+he never deprives us of the kiss.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/215.png"><img width="100%" src="images/215.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Gladys</i> (<i>who has been told she may see her
+convalescent Daddy, but fails to recognise him with ten days' growth of
+beard</i>). "<span class="sc">Mummy, Mummy, Daddy's not there; but there's a
+burglarer in his bed</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WATER ON THE BRAIN.</h2>
+
+<p>Some interesting revelations have
+been published in <i>The Daily Mail</i> on
+the tonic effect of the bath on our
+greatest workers, notably stockbrokers,
+novelists and actors.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Arthur Bourchier</span> declared that
+he read plays in the bath and that the
+best results were obtained by those
+selected either in the bath or on a long
+railway journey. "A man," he added,
+"is always at his best in his bath."
+Again, Mr. <span class="sc">Charles Garvice</span>, the
+famous novelist, said that he always
+felt intensely musical while having his
+bath, though the ideas for his stories
+came chiefly while he was shaving.</p>
+
+<p>We are glad to be able to supplement
+these revelations with some further
+testimony from the <i>&eacute;lite</i> of the world
+of letters.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Clement Shorter</span>, in the course
+of an interesting interview, spoke eloquently
+on the daily renewal of the
+bath. From the day when he first
+became a Wet Bob at Eton he had
+never wavered in his devotion to
+matutinal and vespertinal ablutions.
+In fact, his philosophy on this point
+might be summed up in the quatrain:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A bath in the morning</p>
+<p>Is the bookman's adorning;</p>
+<p>A bath at night</p>
+<p>Is the bookman's delight.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>His ideal form of exercise was a ride in
+a bath-chair, just as his favourite diet
+was bath-chaps and bath-buns. For the
+rest he found that the ideas of his best
+pars came to him while he was using a
+scrubbing-brush which had belonged to
+Posh, <span class="sc">Edward FitzGerald's</span> boatman.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Laurence Binyon</span>, the poet and
+art critic, confessed that some of his
+choicest lyrics had been composed when
+he was using a loofah. But it must be
+applied rhythmically, to the accompaniment
+of a soft hissing sound such as
+was affected by stable-hands when
+grooming high-mettled steeds. Mr.
+<span class="sc">Binyon</span> added that it was a curious
+thing that while frequent references
+abounded in the classics to drinking
+from the Pierian spring, no mention
+occurred of bathing in it. But the
+divine afflatus no doubt worked differently
+in different ages. <span class="sc">Diogenes</span> lived
+in a tub, but there was no evidence
+that he ever took one.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Percy Fitzgerald</span>, in reply to
+a request for his views on the subject,
+said that he considered soap and water
+to be an invaluable intellectual stimulant.
+<span class="sc">Dickens</span> was a great believer in
+it; so, too, was <i>Lady Macbeth</i> and the
+famous Bishop <span class="sc">Wilberforce</span>, known
+as "Soapy Sam" from his excessive
+addiction to detergents. <span class="sc">Charles
+Lever</span>, again, whom he knew intimately,
+had a passion for washing
+and, so he believed, started a soap
+factory, which was still in existence.</p>
+
+<p>The Baroness <span class="sc">Orczy</span> pointed out to
+our representative that there was a
+natural harmony between different
+sorts of baths and different styles of
+composition. For heroic romance, cold
+baths were indispensable. For the
+novel of sensation she recommended
+champagne with a dash of ammoniated
+quinine. Similarly with regard to the
+use of soaps. Thus in any of her stories
+in which royalty, played a prominent
+part she found it impossible to dispense
+with Old Brown Windsor.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Max Beerbohm</span> contented himself
+by cordially endorsing Mr. <span class="sc">Arthur
+Bourchier's</span> statement that he was (if
+ever) at his best in his bath.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>IN MARCH.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There is cloud and a splash of blue sky overhead,</p>
+<p>And the road by the common's the brave road to tread;</p>
+<p class="i4">You miss all your neighbours,</p>
+<p class="i6">And hear the wind play</p>
+<p class="i4">His pipes and his tabors</p>
+<p class="i6">Along the king's way.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>From the elms at the corner the rooks tumble out</p>
+<p>To dance you Sir Roger in clamorous rout;</p>
+<p class="i4">For all honest people</p>
+<p class="i6">There's gold on the whin,</p>
+<p class="i4">And bells in the steeple,</p>
+<p class="i6">And ale at the inn.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The brewer's brown horses, they shine in the sun,</p>
+<p>And each of the team must weigh nearly a ton.</p>
+<p class="i4">They stamp and they sidle,</p>
+<p class="i6">Their great necks they arch,</p>
+<p class="i4">And snatch at the bridle</p>
+<p class="i6">This morning of March.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For Winter is over, you see the fine sights&mdash;</p>
+<p>The geese on the common, the boys flying kites,</p>
+<p class="i4">The daffydowndillies</p>
+<p class="i6">That stoop on the stem,</p>
+<p class="i4">And my pretty Phyllis</p>
+<p class="i6">Who's gathering them.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page217" id="page217"></a>[pg 217]</span>
+
+<h2>SIGNERS OF THE TIMES.</h2>
+
+<p>Ralston came into the railway
+carriage with a fountain-pen and a
+huge sheet of official-looking paper.</p>
+
+<p>"Pardon my intrusion," he said.
+"This is a non-party business. I am
+just getting a few signatures&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't apologise, Sir," interrupted
+Baffin. "I am delighted to see a young
+man like you working in such a cause.
+Every loyal Englishman, unless blindly
+ignorant or filled with Radical spite,
+will be delighted to sign it."</p>
+
+<p>Grabbing the fountain-pen he scribbled
+the imposing signature, "James
+Baffin, Hughenden, Tulse Hill."</p>
+
+<p>"It doesn't involve any financial
+responsibility?" enquired Macdougal
+with a touch of national caution.</p>
+
+<p>"Not in the least. You just sign,"
+replied Ralston.</p>
+
+<p>Down went the name of Luke Macdougal.</p>
+
+<p>Wilcox had to have his attention
+drawn to the petition because he pretended
+to be absorbed in <i>The Times</i>&mdash;reading
+it with the attachment of an
+old subscriber, though we all knew he
+had only taken it for two days.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," said Wilcox, "at the
+present moment I could not think of
+taking any active part in military
+operations myself, but I am sure my
+son-in-law&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"You are not supposed to do anything
+but sign," said Ralston.</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly, certainly, I'll be very
+pleased to sign. My son-in-law is a
+most determined young fellow and feels
+most strongly on this point."</p>
+
+<p>And Mr. Wilcox amiably offered up
+his son-in-law as a vicarious sacrifice.</p>
+
+<p>Dodham was a little dubious. "You
+see I'm not a politician," he began.</p>
+
+<p>"Politics have nothing to do with
+it," said Ralston.</p>
+
+<p>"No one, Sir, but an abject coward,"
+broke in Baffin, "would shrink from
+saving his country at such a critical
+moment."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Dodham, "one can't be
+far wrong when non-party men like
+<span class="sc">Kipling</span> and <span class="sc">George Alexander</span> are
+signing. I think I shall be justified."</p>
+
+<p>The name of J. Percival Dodham was
+added to the list.</p>
+
+<p>Ralston turned to me. "You will
+sign, old man?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, thanks," I said. "Signed a
+teetotal-pledge when I was six, and my
+aunts have brought it up against me
+ever since. Besides I haven't a father-in-law
+to take my place."</p>
+
+<p>We stopped at a station.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm off," said Ralston; "got to
+rake up more signatures."</p>
+
+<p>Four men glared contemptuously at
+me for the rest of the journey. I don't
+know whether they regarded me as a
+miserable Little Englander or a wicked
+Big Irelander.</p>
+
+<p>When we reached Ludgate Hill I
+saw Ralston standing triumphantly on
+the platform.</p>
+
+<p>"Done well to-day?" I queried.</p>
+
+<p>"Oceans of signatures."</p>
+
+<p>I glanced over his shoulder and saw
+that the printing on the outer sheet
+began, "To the Manager, S. E. and
+L. C. D. Railway Companies."</p>
+
+<p>"What's he got to do with this
+thing?" I demanded.</p>
+
+<p>"Everything," explained Ralston
+amiably. "It's a petition to run the
+8.42 ten minutes earlier. I can't get
+to the office by 9.15 as it is."</p>
+
+<p>"What," I cried, "have all your
+miserable dupes been signing away ten
+minutes of their breakfast time?"</p>
+
+<p>Ralston winked at me. "I've just
+got to go into a carriage and say it's
+non-political and they jump to sign it.
+Signing's a sort of habit nowadays.
+Not my fault if they don't listen to
+explanations."</p>
+
+<p>My heart thrilled as I thought of what
+the brave men would say who, under
+the impression they were merely promising
+their own or their relations'
+blood, had tragically shortened their
+breakfast hour. Talk of revolutions!
+Look out for a revolution in the Tulse
+Hill district when the 8.42 becomes
+the 8.32!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/217.png"><img width="100%" src="images/217.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Temperance Worker</i> (<i>paying a surprise visit to
+the home of his pet convert</i>). "<span class="sc">Does Mr. McMurdoch live
+here?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. McMurdoch.</i> "<span class="sc">Aye; carry him in!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page218" id="page218"></a>[pg 218]</span>
+
+<h2>MR. BALFOUR: MIXED DOUBLE LIFE.</h2>
+
+<h3>(From our Special Correspondent.)</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Nice</span>, <i>Monday</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"I must confess that I felt somewhat
+nervous," said Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span> after the
+match, as he sipped a split sal-volatile
+and cinnamon, "but not so nervous as
+I was in the singles. But it was the
+first time that I ever stood up to the
+twin-screw service which Baron von
+Stosch uses so cleverly, and once or
+twice I was beaten by the swerve."
+But his partner, the famous Basque
+amateur, Mme. Jaur&eacute;guiberry,
+was loud in his praises. "He
+played like a statesman and a
+diplomatist," she said. The
+Grand Duke <span class="sc">Michael</span> was also
+greatly impressed and made a
+neat <i>mot</i>. "His fore-hand drives,"
+he said, "were worthy of a driver
+of a four-in-hand." Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span>,
+it should be noted, wore brown
+tennis shoes with rubber soles,
+unlike Sir <span class="sc">Oliver Lodge</span>, who
+always golfs in white buckskin
+boots. His shirt was of some
+soft material and was marked
+with his name on a tape, "A. J.
+<span class="sc">Balfour</span>. 6. 1913."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Details of the Game.</span></p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span> started serving,
+and the first two games fell to
+him and his partner owing to a
+certain wildness in the returns of
+Princess Pongo, a Nigerian lady
+of remarkable agility who has
+only been playing tennis for the
+last three months, as, owing to
+the laws of the Hausa tribe,
+mixed tennis is strictly forbidden
+in Nigeria. The Princess was,
+however, well backed up by her
+partner, the Baron von Stosch, an
+athletic Prussian with a powerful
+smash, and after five games all
+had been called the set fell to the ex-<span class="sc">Premier</span>
+and his partner. In the second
+set a regrettable incident occurred, a
+ball skidding off Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span>'s
+racquet into the eye of the Grand Duke
+Uriel, who was acting as umpire. Mr.
+<span class="sc">Balfour</span> was much upset by the <i>contretemps</i>,
+and repeatedly sliced his drive
+into the net, remarking, "Dear, dear,"
+on two occasions.</p>
+
+<p>The activity of the Princess Pongo,
+who wore a tasteful <i>toque</i> surmounted
+by a stuffed baby gorilla, was much
+admired, and when the score was called
+"one set all," the enthusiasm of the
+bystanders knew no bounds. A slight
+delay was caused by the arrival of a
+telegram for Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span>, announcing
+that, in view of the grave importance
+of the present political situation, <i>The
+Times</i> had been reduced to a penny.
+This he perused with deep emotion.
+On the resumption of the game, however,
+the ex-<span class="sc">Premier</span> at once showed
+himself to be in his best form. He
+sclaffed several beauties past the Baron,
+nonplussed the Nigerian princess by his
+luscious lobs, and finished off the set
+and match by a wonderful scoop-stroke
+which died down like a poached egg.</p>
+
+<p>Early in the set he gave a remarkable
+proof of his detachment. Just as the
+Princess was preparing to serve one
+of her juiciest undercut strokes, the
+tones of a soprano practising her scales
+rang out from a neighbouring flat.
+"Rather sharp, I think," said Mr.
+<span class="sc">Balfour</span>, and the Princess, overcome
+by the ready wit of the ex-<span class="sc">Premier</span>,
+served four faults in quick succession.
+At the conclusion of the game Mr.
+<span class="sc">Balfour</span> wiped his face twice with his
+handkerchief and signed his name in
+the birthday books of several American
+heiresses.</p>
+
+<p>We understand that there is no truth
+in the rumour that Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span> will
+box five rounds with <span class="sc">Carpentier</span> at a
+Charity Bazaar and Gymkhana next
+Saturday, but hopes are entertained
+that he will dance the Ta-tao with the
+Princess Pongo, and enter for the
+three-legged race with the Grand Duke
+Uriel.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"TO MAKE THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME."</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/218.png"><img width="100%" src="images/218.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Judge.</i> <span class="sc">"Have you anything to say for yourself
+before I sentence you, Prisoner?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Prisoner.</i> <span class="sc">"Yes, your Lordship; I taught your wife
+and daughters the Tango."</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> <span class="sc">"Twenty years."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AN IDOL OF THE MARKET PLACE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Decorum and the butcher's cat</p>
+<p class="i2">Are seldom far apart&mdash;</p>
+<p>From dawn when clouds surmount the air,</p>
+<p>Piled like a beauty's powdered hair,</p>
+<p>Till dusk, when down the misty square</p>
+<p class="i2">Rumbles the latest cart</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He sits in coat of white and grey</p>
+<p class="i2">Where the rude cleaver's shock</p>
+<p>Horrid from time to time descends,</p>
+<p>And his imposing presence lends</p>
+<p>Grace to a platform that extends</p>
+<p class="i2">Beneath the chopping-block.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>How tranquil are his close-piled cheeks</p>
+<p class="i2">His paws, sequestered warm!</p>
+<p>An oak-grained panel backs his head</p>
+<p>And all the stock-in-trade is spread,</p>
+<p>A symphony in white and red,</p>
+<p class="i2">Round his harmonious form.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The butcher's brave cerulean garb</p>
+<p class="i2">Flutters before his face,</p>
+<p>The cleaver dints his little roof</p>
+<p>Of furrowed wood; remote, aloof</p>
+<p>He sits superb and panic-proof</p>
+<p class="i2">In his accustomed place.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Threading the columned county hall,</p>
+<p class="i2">Mid-most before his eyes,</p>
+<p>Alerter dog and loitering maid</p>
+<p>Cross from the sunlight to the shade,</p>
+<p>And small amenities of trade</p>
+<p class="i2">Under the gables rise;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Cats of the town, a shameless crew,</p>
+<p class="i2">Over the way he sees</p>
+<p>Propitiate with lavish purr</p>
+<p>An unresponsive customer,</p>
+<p>Or, meek with sycophantic fur,</p>
+<p class="i2">Caress the children's knees.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But he, betrothed to etiquette,</p>
+<p class="i2">Betrays nor head nor heart;</p>
+<p>Lone as the Ark on Ararat,</p>
+<p>A monument of fur and fat,</p>
+<p>Decorum and the butcher's cat</p>
+<p class="i2">Are seldom far apart.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"It was Horace that put in print the old
+truth that no man in this world is satisfied
+with the lot which either fortune or others
+have put him to."&mdash;<i>"T. P." in his "Weekly."</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Horace</span>, of course, was always rushing
+into print.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Her hands dropped to her side. She toyed
+with the little locket on the gold chain at her
+throat. 'I am capable of anything!' she
+said."&mdash;<i>"Daily Mirror" Serial.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Evidently.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page219" id="page219"></a>[pg 219]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/219.png"><img width="100%" src="images/219.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Keeper</i> (<i>who, unobserved, has been watching the
+transgressor</i>). "<span class="sc">Ay, man, ye <i>hae</i> a conscience, but it's
+gae elastic, I'm thinkin'."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Henry Holiday's</span> <i>Reminiscences of my Life</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>)
+will show you a kindly simple soul who had an
+extraordinarily nice time, met all kinds of interesting folk,
+and had a generous devotion to any number of unpopular
+causes, such as Women's Suffrage, the futuristic socialism
+of <span class="sc">Bellamy's</span> <i>Looking Backward</i>, Home Rule in Ireland,
+healthy and artistic dress, good music, the abolition of war.
+Whatever capacity of expression his successful and not
+undistinguished career as a painter (amongst other things,
+of <span class="sc">Beatrice</span> cutting <span class="sc">Dante</span> on the bridge), stained-glass
+worker and mural decorator proves him to have had in his
+proper medium, the gift of pointed literary expression and
+appropriate selection seems to have been withheld from
+him. But he has little reason to complain. Some, at least,
+of his causes are appreciably nearer victory than when he
+espoused them; we are even a little nearer looking backwards.
+One small point in these discursive memoirs will
+especially delight the mildly cynical&mdash;that this worthy pre-Raphaelite,
+who with his friends had suffered so much from
+the limitations of view of a mid-Victorian Royal Academy,
+should be so maliciously ready to have all modern rebels in
+paint, their milestones hung about their necks, sunk in the
+nethermost deeps with all their works! One can find
+diversion, too, in the decorous story of Mr. <span class="sc">Holiday's</span> nude
+statue of <i>Sleep</i>, rejected (according to a message from G. F.
+<span class="sc">Watts</span>) on account of its nudity in 1879 by that same
+Academy, and accepted in 1880 when the artist with
+laborious modesty had modelled for it a plaster-of-paris
+nightgown. The author claims some share, through the
+Healthy and Artistic Dress Union, in the changes towards
+rational beauty which women's dress has lately shown.
+And that surely, is by no means to have lived in vain!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>There are few Memsahibs who know India and can write
+about it as well as Mrs. <span class="sc">Alice Perrin</span>, so that when she
+calls her new book <i>The Happy Hunting Ground</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>)
+she sets you thinking. And when you begin to think, you
+see that that really is the meaning of those tearful farewells
+at Victoria and Charing Cross, that heavy-hearted cheering
+and waving of handkerchiefs as the liner puts off from the
+docks, which are for us who stay at home the symbol of
+our share in the burden of empire. When our sisters and
+our daughters (and our cousins and aunts) sail away to
+Marseilles and the East they go to find husbands, largely
+because for many of them there is in this country little
+prospect of marriage with men of their own class. But
+that is only half the story. They go in search of mates.
+They stay to play, as helpmeets, the woman's part in
+carrying on the high tradition of the British Raj. With this
+fundamental truth as her background, Mrs. <span class="sc">Perrin</span> has
+drawn, simply but with practised skill, the picture of a young
+girl who leaves the dull security of Earl's Court to go a-hunting
+in the plains and the hills, obedient to the call of India,
+which is in her bones. There, like many another before
+her, she loves and suffers, and makes sacrifices and mistakes,
+and (I am glad to say) finds happiness at the last. The
+strength of Mrs. <span class="sc">Perrin's</span> book, apart from the value of its
+background, lies in the reality of its characters. If you
+have a drop of Anglo-Indian blood in your veins you will
+know what it means. You will greet them as blood
+relations, and take a kinsman's interest not only in their
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page220" id="page220"></a>[pg 220]</span>
+joys and sorrows, but in their whole attitude towards life,
+and even their little tricks of thought and speech.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>About a year ago Mr. <span class="sc">Joseph Knowles</span> began to think
+that "the people of the present day were sadly neglecting
+the details of the great book of nature," and asked himself
+if he could not do something to remedy matters. His
+answer to this question was to take off all his clothes, and,
+on August 4, 1913, to enter the wilderness of Northern
+Maine, and live like a primitive man for two months. On
+page 12 of <i>Alone in the Wilderness</i> (<span class="sc">Longmans</span>) he is to be
+seen taking off his coat (and posing, I feel bound to add,
+very becomingly), and eight pages farther on you can see
+him divested of his clothing and "breaking the last link."
+As used to enforce a primitive ideal, the modern art of
+photography seems, if I may say so, a little out of this
+picture; but, anyhow, into the forest Mr. <span class="sc">Knowles</span> went
+with "nodings on," and there he stuck out his time, speaking
+to no one, scarcely seeing a human being, and proving&mdash;well,
+I don't honestly think that he proved much. But at least
+he was not what he calls
+a quitter, and as more than
+once he had an intense desire
+to return to civilisation,
+he deserves much credit for
+carrying out his resolution.
+But, difficult as he found
+it to remain for the two
+months, he has found even
+greater difficulty in writing
+interestingly about his experiment.
+Apart from his
+account of a great moose-fight,
+the fascinating scenes
+in his book are those in
+which his former experiences
+as a trapper and
+hunter are described. But
+Mr. <span class="sc">Knowles</span> has not finished
+with his adventure;
+he is going to live stark-naked
+in the wilderness for
+another two months, but
+this time under inspection,
+so that the unbelievers can be convinced. I am not among
+the unbelievers&mdash;indeed, I am convinced of the absolute
+truth of every statement he makes&mdash;but I doubt if a repetition
+of his performance is the best way to help on the
+College of Nature which he hopes to start. Why, in short,
+pander to the unbelievers?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>OUR CURIO CRANKS.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/220.png"><img width="100%" src="images/220.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">The man who collects mud-splashes from the wheels of the
+exalted great.</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>A period so bygone as that of His late Majesty <span class="sc">King
+Henry II.</span> (of whose exact date you will scarcely need to
+be reminded) has not an immediate and irresistible attraction
+for every novel reader, and it may take much to persuade
+some that they will ever become really concerned with the
+deeds and destinies of such people as <i>Jehane</i> the woodward's
+daughter, <i>Edwy</i> the tanner of Clee, and <i>Lord
+Lambert do Fort-Castel</i>, be their deeds and destinies never
+so adventurous or romantic. Further, the juvenile manner
+of the pictorial cover attached to <i>Jehane of the Forest</i>
+(<span class="sc">Melrose</span>) is not calculated to whet the appetite of the
+adult public, and the eulogy of a well-known author,
+appended on a printed slip, lacks the essential glow of the
+effective advertisement. It misses the point; it is pedantic,
+and pedantry is the one thing for which wary readers are
+on the look out in stories of antiquity. It is first important,
+then, to acquit Mr. L. A. <span class="sc">Talbot</span> of every offence of which,
+in the blackness of the outward circumstances, he might be
+suspected&mdash;affectations, anachronisms, excess of local and
+contemporary colour, absence of humour or human touches,
+any tendency to bore. The book presents a charming
+picture of the counties on the Welsh Border and unravels
+a delightful tale in which the characters talk the language
+peculiar to their time, but are controlled by the everlasting
+motives of human nature. Though the times were harder
+than ours the people seem to have been neither better nor
+worse than we are; and, when approached from such a
+point of view as Mr. <span class="sc">Talbot</span> has taken, there is nothing to
+be said against, but very much to be said for, the period of
+1154-1189, which, as every schoolboy is punished for not
+knowing, covers the reign of <span class="sc">Henry II.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Miss <span class="sc">Mills Young</span> does not, I think, improve as an
+artist. <i>The Purple Mists</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>) is her latest book,
+and it is not so real and satisfactory a piece of work
+as <i>Grit Lawless</i> or <i>Atonement</i>. The theme of her new
+novel is the coming of love to two people who married
+without any other emotion than restrained but unmistakable
+antipathy. Why people
+should do these things so
+often in novels I do not
+know, but on the present
+occasion <i>Euretta</i> (<i>Euretta</i>
+is not an attractive name)
+and <i>John Shaw</i> (you can
+tell by <i>his</i> name that he is
+a strong silent man who is
+deep in his work and has no
+time to bother about women)
+are driven into matrimony
+by Miss <span class="sc">Mills Young</span>.
+After a while it appears
+that <i>Mr. Shaw</i> is beginning
+to care for <i>Euretta</i> very
+much, but he shows his
+affection for her by avoiding
+her as much as possible
+and snarling when she
+speaks to him. It is obvious
+that a more kindly figure
+must be somewhere close
+at hand eager to console
+<i>Euretta</i>. Miss <span class="sc">Young</span> discovers him, finds that he is precisely
+the deep-drinking, warm-hearted rascal necessary for
+this kind of occasion, and provides him with the inevitable
+situations proper to the <i>tertium quid</i>. The defects of <i>The
+Purple Mists</i> all arise from the fact that Miss <span class="sc">Mills Young</span>
+has been told by her friends that she tells a good story.
+If, next time, she thinks first of her characters and then
+chronicles their logical development, instead of forcing them
+into a threadbare plot, she will give us the fine book of
+which I am sure she is capable.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"According to the Jewish Chronicle, the number of Jews in the
+world now exceeds 13,000: to be exact, 13,052,840."</p>
+
+<p><i>Family Herald (B.C.)</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Our contemporary should cultivate the large tracts of truth
+which lie between the extreme vagueness of the first estimate
+and the pedantic accuracy of the second.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">"Rokeby Venus in Ribbons."</span>&mdash;<i>Globe.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Are we becoming prudish?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">"Breezes between North and South."</span>&mdash;<i>Cork Examiner.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This is the weather forecast for Ireland, and at first sight
+seems obvious; but "in view," as our penny contemporary
+says, "of the grave importance of the present political
+situation," we suspect a deeper meaning.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 146, MARCH 18, 1914***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 23087-h.txt or 23087-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/8/23087">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/3/0/8/23087</a></p>
+<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.</p>
+
+<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.</p>
+
+
+
+<pre>
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/license">http://www.gutenberg.org/license)</a>.
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's
+eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII,
+compressed (zipped), HTML and others.
+
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over
+the old filename and etext number.  The replaced older file is renamed.
+VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving
+new filenames and etext numbers.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org">http://www.gutenberg.org</a>
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000,
+are filed in directories based on their release date.  If you want to
+download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular
+search system you may utilize the following addresses and just
+download by the etext year.
+
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/</a>
+
+    (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99,
+     98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90)
+
+EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are
+filed in a different way.  The year of a release date is no longer part
+of the directory path.  The path is based on the etext number (which is
+identical to the filename).  The path to the file is made up of single
+digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename.  For
+example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at:
+
+http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/2/3/10234
+
+or filename 24689 would be found at:
+http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/6/8/24689
+
+An alternative method of locating eBooks:
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL</a>
+
+*** END: FULL LICENSE ***
+</pre>
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/23087-h/images/201.png b/23087-h/images/201.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9df3829
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/201.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/203.png b/23087-h/images/203.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..549b982
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/203.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/205.png b/23087-h/images/205.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9eec2ae
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/205.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/206.png b/23087-h/images/206.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a4405b7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/206.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/207.png b/23087-h/images/207.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..38c70b3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/207.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/209a.png b/23087-h/images/209a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fac0b10
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/209a.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/209b.png b/23087-h/images/209b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0ae803f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/209b.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/209c.png b/23087-h/images/209c.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5e3ad1a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/209c.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/210.png b/23087-h/images/210.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3b614ea
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/210.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/211.png b/23087-h/images/211.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5b40165
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/211.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/213a.png b/23087-h/images/213a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e900752
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/213a.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/213b.png b/23087-h/images/213b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..43b43da
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/213b.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/214.png b/23087-h/images/214.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..abeb39f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/214.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/215.png b/23087-h/images/215.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f6866a5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/215.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/217.png b/23087-h/images/217.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4eb864f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/217.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/218.png b/23087-h/images/218.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a7bee8d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/218.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/219.png b/23087-h/images/219.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..261c345
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/219.png
diff --git a/23087-h/images/220.png b/23087-h/images/220.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2a8cea8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-h/images/220.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p201.png b/23087-page-images/p201.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ceef1fd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p201.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p202.png b/23087-page-images/p202.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..759a26b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p202.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p203.png b/23087-page-images/p203.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..68dadf1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p203.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p204.png b/23087-page-images/p204.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3a3bd72
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p204.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p205.png b/23087-page-images/p205.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..165530f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p205.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p206.png b/23087-page-images/p206.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..479e714
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p206.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p207.png b/23087-page-images/p207.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1b92e51
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p207.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p208.png b/23087-page-images/p208.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4789b0e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p208.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p209.png b/23087-page-images/p209.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..80f73a0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p209.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p210.png b/23087-page-images/p210.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7bef584
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p210.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p211.png b/23087-page-images/p211.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fa518ef
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p211.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p212.png b/23087-page-images/p212.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9c01d7c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p212.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p213.png b/23087-page-images/p213.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9966302
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p213.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p214.png b/23087-page-images/p214.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a053b9c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p214.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p215.png b/23087-page-images/p215.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9e798d1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p215.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p216.png b/23087-page-images/p216.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..21fe03e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p216.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p217.png b/23087-page-images/p217.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..91b6501
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p217.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p218.png b/23087-page-images/p218.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f124c57
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p218.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p219.png b/23087-page-images/p219.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3e04add
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p219.png
diff --git a/23087-page-images/p220.png b/23087-page-images/p220.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b0e9ee6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087-page-images/p220.png
diff --git a/23087.txt b/23087.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0629127
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2226 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+March 18, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, March 18, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 19, 2007  [eBook #23087]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 146, MARCH 18, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, David King, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 23087-h.htm or 23087-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/8/23087/23087-h/23087-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/8/23087/23087-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 146
+
+MARCH 18, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+In view of the grave importance of the present political situation, the
+price of _Punch_ will remain as heretofore.
+
+       ***
+
+"The risk of flying is very greatly exaggerated," says Mr. WINSTON
+CHURCHILL. Then why funk a General Election?
+
+       ***
+
+Some people have such a nasty way of putting things! Liberal gentleman
+to Unionist gentleman: "Well, have you taken the pledge?"
+
+       ***
+
+Attempts are now being made to establish penny postage between England
+and France. The Germans are said to feel flattered that we should still
+consider the privilege of corresponding with them worth
+two-pence-halfpenny.
+
+       ***
+
+The public indignation against the woman who damaged the "Rokeby Venus"
+continues unabated, and most inhuman propositions are being made. One
+gentleman has even been heard to suggest that the woman ought to be made
+to serve her term of imprisonment in the Royal Academy.
+
+       ***
+
+General VILLA'S statement that, unless the ransom he demands is paid at
+once, he will expose the body of the son of General TERRAZAS to the fire
+of the Federals confirms the opinion prevalent in this country that
+General VILLA is not really a very nice man.
+
+       ***
+
+    "THE BENTON INQUIRY
+
+    PROMISE THAT JUSTICE WILL BE EXECUTED."
+
+    _Observer._
+
+We were under the impression that this execution had taken place, some
+time since in Mexico, for Justice has not been seen there for a long
+time.
+
+       ***
+
+A Norfolk doctor declares that the sting of a bee is a most effective
+cure for both rheumatism and sciatica. It is also an infallible cure for
+inertia.
+
+       ***
+
+The yearly volume of judicial statistics just issued shows a marked
+decrease in business in all the courts except the Divorce Court; and
+there is some talk of the legal profession erecting a statue of a
+co-respondent as a mark of their appreciation.
+
+       ***
+
+Persons who like to be seen reading a two-penny newspaper are now in a
+quandary since the price of _The Times_ has been reduced, and it is
+again rumoured that, in order to cater for this class, an unsuccessful
+halfpenny paper is about to raise its price to twopence.
+
+       ***
+
+Sussex has been suffering from an epidemic of sheep-stealing. The police
+theory is that the sheep are carried off at night in motor cars--the
+silly creatures, accepting with alacrity the novel offer of a ride in an
+automobile.
+
+       ***
+
+Several prominent authors having stated that their best ideas come to
+them while taking a tub, quite a number of unsuccessful scribes have, we
+hear, almost made up their minds to the experiment of one bath a week.
+
+       ***
+
+In an Introductory Note to the serial publication of _The Woman Thou
+Gavest Me_, entitled "Why I wrote the Story," the Master attempts to
+shift the blame--or, anyhow, to apportion the responsibility. One day,
+it seems, Mr. CAINE heard the story which forms the basis of the novel.
+He first told it to a Cabinet Minister, who was "visibly touched." He
+next tried it on a tailor, who was "just as obviously affected." Then
+comes this delicious passage:--"After that I called on my publisher and,
+not being able to get the story out of my thoughts, I told it to him as
+well. His eyes filled, his head dropped, and he was as deeply touched as
+I and the tailor and the Cabinet Minister had been." It is generally
+understood that Mr. HEINEMANN has since had a complete recovery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOOKING WELL FORWARD.
+
+[Illustration: _First Survivor from Wreck_ (_to Second Survivor_.)
+"'Ow much ought we to ask off the music-'alls when we get
+back--'undred-an'-fifty quid a week or two 'undred?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Owing to the number of rats and crickets in her bedroom a nurse
+    employed by the Dudley Board of Guardians, it was stated at the
+    meeting of the board yesterday, had resigned.
+
+    "It was decided to engage a professional rat-catcher."--_Daily
+    Mail._
+
+It is, however, not altogether satisfactory to be nursed by a
+professional rat-catcher, and some of the patients are already
+complaining most bitterly of the change.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAT.
+
+"Of course," said the lady of the house, "you can turn yourself into a
+hermit if you like. We'll build you a little cell, and----"
+
+"What?" I said. "A real hermit, in a long robe like a bath-gown? With a
+real cell, and a dish of herbs on a plain deal table, and some rocks to
+sleep on, and a folio volume always open at the same place? May I really
+be like that?"
+
+"Yes," she said, "that's what you're coming to. And there'll be a notice
+stuck up on a tree--'This way to the Hermit,' with a painted hand."
+
+"I know the sort," I said. "A hand with only one finger."
+
+"Yes, one finger pointing in the direction of the cell. And all the
+village children will follow you when you go out, and you'll threaten
+them with a gnarled stick, and you'll be indicted as a nuisance."
+
+"But not for a long time," I said. "I shall have lots of good hermiting
+before that happens. I shall have my breakfasts quite alone and nobody
+will ask me to go to Mrs. Latimer's musical afternoon in London, 4 to
+7."
+
+"Well, you're not a hermit yet, so you'll have to come to Mrs. Latimer's
+with me. You know you'll enjoy it when you get there."
+
+"I won't."
+
+"And you'll meet plenty of your friends."
+
+"But I don't want to meet my friends," I said. "Friends are people yon
+go on being friends with without meeting them. That's the essence of
+true friendship, you know. Absence doesn't alter it. You keep on
+thinking of dear old Jack and what fun you used to have together at
+Cambridge; and then some day a funny old gentleman comes up to you in
+the street and says you don't remember him, and you pretend you know him
+quite well, and it's Jack all the time, and you wonder how he's got so
+old while you yourself have kept on being as young as ever. That's
+friendship."
+
+"This," she said, "is not an Essay Club."
+
+"What should a woman know of friendship?" I said bitterly. "Besides, I
+shall have to get a new top-hat."
+
+"Well," she said, "there's nothing so very awful in that. But what's the
+matter with the old one?"
+
+"The old one," I said, "is a blacked sepulchre, and even the black part
+of it is not very good. The lining is of the sort that makes it
+necessary to place it on a table with the opening down. Fortunate woman,
+your hats require no lining and you don't take them off. You cannot
+sympathise with my feelings. Such a top-hat as mine is good enough for a
+Board meeting, but it cannot go to Mrs. Latimer's musical afternoon. Her
+footman would despise me."
+
+"Very well," she said, "get your new hat and have it ready for this day
+fortnight."
+
+The upshot of this conversation was that on the following day I went to
+London, wearing my old top-hat, and called at Messrs. Hutchfield's, the
+famous hatters. It is not a very large shop, but it is very high, and
+something like a million white hat-boxes, each presumably containing a
+hat, are stacked in gleaming tiers from floor to ceiling. The higher
+ones are fetched down by means of a long pole provided at one end with a
+sort of inverted hook. It is a most dexterous and pleasing trick, only
+to be attempted by an old hand. An inexperienced practitioner would
+certainly bring down an avalanche of hat-boxes on the heads of the
+customers. On one side of the room there is a patent stove in which
+several irons were heating, not for torture, but for the improvement of
+hats. Several aproned attendants were bustling about, and one or two
+customers with bare heads were eyeing one another with an exaggerated
+air of haughty nonchalance, as who should say, "Observe, we do not wear
+white aprons. We do not _belong_ to the shop. We are genuine customers.
+We are waiting for our hats."
+
+"Good morning," I said.
+
+"Good morning, Sir," said one of the attendants; "what would you be
+requiring to-day?"
+
+"I think," I said, "it was a hat. Yes, I'm sure it was. A top-hat, you
+know--one of your best."
+
+"Pardon me, Sir." With a graceful and airy movement he whisked off my
+old hat and took its measure in length and breadth.
+
+"You mustn't draw any inference from the lining," I said. "I'm not
+really as poor as all that. I've meant to have it re-lined several
+times, but somehow I never brought it off. Still, it's been a good hat."
+
+"Yes, Sir," he said.
+
+"Could it be----"
+
+"Oh, yes, Sir, we could re-line it for you and make it look almost as
+good as new."
+
+"Splendid!" I cried. "Then I shan't want a new one, shall I?"
+
+"Well, Sir, it would take some little time. You would want to wear
+something to go on with till it's finished."
+
+"There is," I said, "some force in that. Put the machine on me at once."
+
+"The what, Sir?"
+
+"The machine," I said. "The beautifully contrived, apparatus made of
+ever so many wooden keys like the inside of a piano--only those are set
+in circles. It fits close to the head and you can make it looser or
+tighter, and when you've got it on you look like a Siamese king in his
+crown. And when you take it off you tear out a piece of paper and that
+gives you the exact measure to a hair's-breadth. Come, I'm ready."
+
+His face relaxed into a serious kind of smile.
+
+"Certainly," he said, "you shall have it on, Sir, if you like. But I
+thought, being an old customer and your measure being known, it might
+not be necessary."
+
+"Very well," I said, "I'll give up the machine, but I don't see how I
+can take any further pleasure in this purchase. Still, if you know me so
+well----"
+
+"We don't forget customers of thirty years' standing," he said proudly.
+
+"That settles it," I said. "I will now buy four hats--a top-hat, a
+bowler, a soft felt and a straw hat."
+
+"Yes, Sir," he said, and from an upper tier he extracted a hat-box out
+of which he shortly produced a top-hat and placed it on my head. It did
+not fit at first, but fire soon reduced it to obedience.
+
+"The others must be similarly treated," I said as I left the shop.
+
+Unfortunately in the interval it had begun to rain and every taxi seemed
+to be taken. You know what a new top-hat looks like after that. However,
+with two hats to choose from, I am now ready to face Mrs. Latimer's
+footman.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It has been arranged that the dinner which the Modern Languages
+    Association had intended to give to Professor Rudolf Eucken, of
+    Jena, on the occasion of his forthcoming visit to England to
+    lecture before the Association, shall be amalgamated with the
+    public dinner arranged by the Committee of Friends and Admirers
+    of Professor Eucken."--_Morning Post._
+
+_Professor Eucken (at last giving way)_: "What _is_ this, waiter?"
+
+_Waiter (confidentially)_: "Another little amalgamation, Sir. The Modern
+Languages' ice pudding and the Friends and Admirers' soft roes on
+toast."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PENNY WISDOM.
+
+[Illustration: "In view of the grave importance of the present political
+situation _The Times_ will be reduced in price to a penny."--_Press
+Association_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Reclining Nut_. "I don't bother to hold the girls
+now-a-days, I just let 'em nestle."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR NEW PENNY PAPER.
+
+Thanks to Sir EDWARD CARSON--or, as _The Times_ prefers to put it, "the
+grave importance of the present political situation"--the price of _The
+Times_ has fallen to one penny.
+
+While it must be admitted that the famous journal is well worth a penny,
+we think it only fair to say that certain issues of _The Daily Mail_ and
+_Evening News_ last week, whose amazing editorial organisations were so
+freely and disinterestedly engaged in overcoming colossal obstacles in
+order to give information about the approaching revolution, were worth
+anything from fourpence to ninepence apiece.
+
+If these philanthropic journals had not been behind _The Times_ last
+week, what might we not have missed? Who, for instance, would have
+learned that; "the price (2d.) ... was equivalent to that of one penny
+paper and two halfpenny papers _per diem_"? We have checked that
+statement, with the aid of a ready-reckoner and a Latin dictionary, and
+we find it substantially correct. We are also able to agree to the
+further statement made last Thursday, that "from Monday next _The
+Times_, together with any one of the halfpenny morning papers, will be
+obtainable for less than the present price of _The Times_ alone." If the
+mathematician who dug up that fact had said "evening" instead of
+"morning" his statement, curiously enough, would still have been right.
+
+Thanks to the reminder from _The Evening News_ that first numbers had
+been known to become valuable, fetching from L10 to L100, some 27,000
+people put aside nice clean copies of _The Times_ on Monday, in the hope
+of selling them at a profit of about 24,000 per cent, in 1964.
+
+The greatest achievement in the annals of journalism was of course _The
+Daily Mail_ man's successful attempt to interview the publisher of _The
+Times_. How he managed it we cannot think; but we are very, very
+grateful to him. We may add that ours is the only journal that has
+succeeded in interviewing the intrepid reporter. "How did you contrive
+to force your way through the seething mass in Printing House Square,
+and pass the closely-guarded portals of the world's chief and largest
+newspaper office; and by what means did you persuade the Colossus of
+publishing to tell you anything about it?" we asked. We regret that we
+cannot give his reply; only the incomparable genius of the painter of
+_La Gioconda_ could do that.
+
+A curious incident took place outside the Mansion House on Monday. In
+the Agony Column of a famous two-penny newspaper on Saturday the
+following announcement had appeared: "Will wate f. u. outsd. Mansn. Hs.
+10-11 Mon. morn. Carry cop. _Times_ so I may no its u." A frantic lady
+rushed at so many young and middle-aged men, exclaiming, "Horace! at
+last we meet!" that long before 10.30 it was necessary for a kindly City
+policeman to lead her away to a neighbouring chemist's for first aid.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The fact that to-day is the 104th anniversary of the birth of
+    Mr. Gladstone prompts reflection as to the different ways in
+    which their birthdays have been regarded by some famous
+    men."--_Westminster Gazette._
+
+_The Writer (as he finishes)_: "Got it in at last, thank Heaven!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A number of motor-cars, including one belonging to Mr. Lloyd
+    George, are blocked in the Snowdon district, and the sheep
+    farmers are much perturbed."--_Morning Post._
+
+However, they can sleep soundly in their beds now, for he is back in
+London again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SLIT TROUSER.
+
+(Whose arrival in England is reported in the photographic press.)
+
+  You who see advanced attire
+    Photographed for you to mock,
+  Hold your ridicule or ire,
+    Wax not scornful at the shock;
+  Let not your compassion freeze,
+    Hark to Archie for a bit,
+  Ponder, if you please, his pleas,
+    Patience, ere you slight his slit.
+
+  Long there raged a warfare grim
+    In the councils of the Nut;
+  Socks were all in all to him
+    Abso-simply-lutely; _but_--
+  Here's a problem for you pat--
+    How shall Archibald disclose
+  Through the thickness of the spat
+    Iridescent demi-hose?
+
+  Yesteryear that problem vexed;
+    One day spatted he would fare,
+  Lacking colour; and the next
+    Spatless, in chromatic wear.
+  No dilemma reads him now,
+    Bidding this or that to go.
+  See, his side-cleft bags allow
+    Spat and sock an equal show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TACT.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Anchor always wears a moustache for the soup course
+whenever his uncle, the general (from whom he has expectations), dines
+with him.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DASH."
+
+"There's no book like it," said A. "Get it at once."
+
+"You must read _Dash_," said B.
+
+"If you take my advice," said C., "and you know I'm not easily pleased
+by modern fiction, you'll get _Dash_ and simply peg away till you've
+finished it. It's marvellous."
+
+"I suppose you've read Darnock's _Dash_?" said D. "It's by far his best
+thing."
+
+At dinner my partner on each side gurglingly wished to know how I liked
+_Dash_, taking it for granted that I knew it more or less by heart.
+
+So having read some of Darnock's earlier work and thought it good, I
+acquired a copy of _Dash_ and settled down to it.
+
+I had not read more than two pages when it occurred to me that I ought
+to know what the other books in the library parcel were; so I went to
+look at them. One was a series of episodes in the career of a wonderful
+blind policeman who, in spite of his infirmity, performed prodigies of
+tact on point duty, and by the time I had finished glancing through this
+it was bed-time. I put _Dash_ under my arm, for I always read for
+half-an-hour or so in bed. How it happened I cannot imagine, but when I
+picked up the book and began to read I found, much to my surprise, that
+it was the other library novel.
+
+"Have you begun _Dash_ yet?" B. asked me at lunch.
+
+"Oh, yes, rather," I said.
+
+"I envy you," he replied. "How far have you got?"
+
+"Not very far yet," I said.
+
+"It's fine, isn't it?" he remarked.
+
+"Fine."
+
+The next evening I had just taken up _Dash_ again when I remembered that
+that other novel must be finished if it was to be changed on the morrow,
+so I turned dutifully to that instead. It was a capital story about a
+criminal who murdered people in an absolutely undetectable way by
+lending them a poisoned pencil which would not mark until the point was
+moistened. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
+
+The next evening I was getting on famously with the fifth page of _Dash_
+when the library parcel again arrived, containing two new books for
+those I had returned in the morning.
+
+Meeting C. the next day he asked me if I did not think _Dash_ the finest
+thing I had ever read.
+
+I said yes, but asked him if he had not found it a little difficult to
+get into.
+
+"Possibly," he said, "possibly. But what a reward!"
+
+"You like books all in long conversations?" I asked.
+
+"I love _Dash_," he said, "anyway."
+
+"Did you read every word?" I asked.
+
+"Well, not perhaps every word," he replied, "but I got the sense of
+every page. I read like that, you know--synthetically."
+
+"Yes, of course," I said.
+
+The next day I changed the two library books that were finished for two
+more, but it was _Dash_ which I took up first. There is no doubt about
+its being a very remarkable book, but I had had a rather heavy day and
+my brain was not at its best. What extraordinary novels people do write
+nowadays! Fancy making a whole book, as the author of _Hot Maraschino_
+has done, out of the Elberfeldt talking horses! In this book, which has
+an excellent murder in a stable in it, the criminal is given away by a
+horse who tells her master (it is a mare) what she saw. I couldn't lay
+the story down.
+
+That night I dined out and heard more about _Dash_. In fact, I myself
+started one long conversation on that topic with an idle lady who really
+had read every word. I went on to recommend it right and left. "You must
+read _Dash_," I said at intervals; "it's extraordinarily good."
+
+"Some one was telling me he couldn't get on with it at all," said one of
+my partners.
+
+"Not really?" I said, and clicked my tongue reproachfully.
+
+"Yes, he says it's so involved and rambling."
+
+"Ah, well," I said, "one must persevere. Books mustn't be too easy. For
+my part----Yes, champagne, please."
+
+"I'll get it, anyway," she said. "I feel sure your judgment is sound."
+
+Looking in at the club later I found D. playing snooker. After missing
+an easy shot he turned the talk to _Dash_.
+
+"Tip-top, isn't it?" he said.
+
+"Which is your favourite chapter?" I asked.
+
+His face told me I had him.
+
+"Oh, well, that's difficult to say," he replied.
+
+"Surely you think that one about the stevedore's spaniel, towards the
+end, is terrific?" I said.
+
+"Of course that's fine," he replied, "but I was just wondering
+whether----"
+
+But I didn't stop to listen. There is no stevedore and no spaniel in the
+whole book, as I had carefully ascertained.
+
+The next day I had A., B. and C. with the same device.
+
+Meanwhile I am plodding away with _Dash_. I have now reached page 27. A
+great book, as all agree. But the books that I shall read while I am
+reading it will make a most interesting list.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Scene--_Arrivals at Fancy Dress Ball_.
+
+_Policeman._ "Now then, come along there, come along."
+
+_Taxi-Driver._ "'Arf a jiff, Copper; I think they've stitched Romeo's
+money into 'is backbone."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A HARD CASE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--As the friend of my family from 1846, I ask you for
+advice on a subject which touches me painfully both as a husband and a
+father. My wife is, as I personally know, the dearest woman in Great
+Britain, and our child is, I am credibly informed, the finest child in
+Europe. _Infandum renovare dolorem._
+
+Our child is four months old; it is named Eunice. Yesterday I found my
+dear wife with the infant weeping piteously--my wife, that is, not the
+infant. I proceeded at once to use all the means in my power to soothe
+her and to ascertain the reason of her unhappy state. But it was only
+after a considerable time and the expenditure of no little ingenuity on
+my part that she revealed the secret.
+
+"I knew how it would be, John," she said between her sobs, "I knew from
+the first. I felt sure that, when baby came you wouldn't care for her.
+And--and you _don't_."
+
+I at once took the child in my arms and guggled to it. The child, I am
+happy to tell you, Sir, responded at once to my paternal attention and
+guggled happily in reply. I felt patriotic pride in the part I had taken
+in adding to the womanhood of my beloved country.
+
+A few days later I found my wife sobbing violently. Carrying the child
+with me--it was still guggling--I crossed to her and again used my best
+endeavours, not only in consolation, but to ascertain the cause of her
+fresh unhappiness. Again it was long before I obtained a reply. But at
+last she said: "I knew how it would be, John," her sobbing was as
+violent as before, "I knew from the first. I felt sure that when baby
+came you would only care for her and neglect me."
+
+Now, Sir, what shall I do?
+
+Your inquiring admirer,
+
+Matthew Haile.
+
+P.S.--My wife is sobbing again as I write. I have at last ascertained
+her trouble. It is that I don't care for the baby.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The other night a rabbit ran for a quarter-of-a-mile in the
+    flare of a lighted motor-car on the Eggleston road."--_Teesdale
+    Mercury._
+
+"I hope," puffed the rabbit, well within record at the end of the
+fourteenth lap, "I hope it won't burn itself out before I've finished."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To accomplish this distance at an average speed of 20 miles per
+    hour would take 281/2 hours. To this time, however, had to be
+    added the Channel crossing both ways, which takes, roughly,
+    about eight hours."--_Motor Cycling._
+
+"Roughly" is good, alas!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is difficult to order our emotions as we would have them be. Try as
+we will, we cannot read aloud the following extract from _The Birmingham
+Weekly Post_ with the solemnity which properly it should call forth:--
+
+    "A feature of the programme was the opening chorus. During this
+    a lady gardener in male attire arrived on the stage with a
+    wheelbarrow full of vegetables, and caused amusement by throwing
+    these among the audience. Presently the missiles commenced to
+    hit persons, one victim, being the vicar, who, struck in the eye
+    by a turnip, was compelled to retire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORANGES AND LEMONS.
+
+II.--On the way.
+
+"Toulon," announced Archie, as the train came to a stop and gave out its
+plaintive dying whistle. "Naval port of our dear allies, the French.
+This would interest Thomas."
+
+"If he weren't asleep," I said.
+
+"He'll be here directly," said Simpson from the little table for two on
+the other side of the gangway. "I'm afraid he had a bad night. Here,
+_garcon_--er--_donnez-moi du cafe et_--er"--But the waiter had slipped
+past him again--the fifth time.
+
+"Have some of ours," said Myra kindly, holding out the pot.
+
+"Thanks very much, Myra, but I may as well wait for Thomas,
+and--_garcon, du cafe pour_--I don't think he'll be--_deux cafes,
+garcon, s'il vous_--it's going to be a lovely day."
+
+Thomas came in quietly, sat down opposite Simpson, and ordered
+breakfast.
+
+"Samuel wants some too," said Myra.
+
+Thomas looked surprised, grunted and ordered another breakfast.
+
+"You see how easy it is," said Archie. "Thomas, we're at Toulon, where
+the _ententes cordiales_ come from. You ought to have been up long ago
+taking notes for the Admiralty."
+
+"I had a rotten night," said Thomas. "Simpson fell out of bed in the
+middle of it."
+
+"Oh, poor Samuel!"
+
+"You don't mean to say you gave him the top berth!" I asked in surprise.
+"You must have known he'd fall out."
+
+"But Thomas dear, surely Samuel's just falling-out-of-bed noise wouldn't
+wake you up," said Myra. "I always thought you slept so well."
+
+"He tried to get back into _my_ bed."
+
+"I was a little dazed," explained Simpson hastily, "and I hadn't got my
+spectacles."
+
+"Still you ought to have been able to see Thomas there."
+
+"Of course I did see him as soon as I got in, and then I remembered I
+was up above. So I climbed up."
+
+"It must be rather difficult climbing up at night," thought Dahlia.
+
+"Not if you get a good take-off, Dahlia," said Simpson earnestly.
+
+"Simpson got a good one off my face," explained Thomas.
+
+"My dear old chap, I was frightfully sorry. I did come down at once and
+tell you how sorry I was, didn't I?"
+
+"You stepped back on to it," said Thomas shortly, and he turned his
+attention to the coffee.
+
+Our table had finished breakfast. Dahlia and Myra got up slowly, and
+Archie and I filled our pipes and followed them out.
+
+"Well, we'll leave you to it," said Archie to the other table.
+"Personally, I think it's Thomas's turn to step on Simpson. You ought to
+assert yourself, Thomas, anyhow. Throw some jam at him and then let
+bygones be bygones. But don't be long, because there's a good view
+coming."
+
+The good view came, and then another and another, and they merged
+together and became one long moving panorama of beauty. We stood in the
+corridor and drank it in ... and at intervals we said "Oh-h!" and "Oh, I
+say!" and "Oh, I say, _really!_" And there was one particular spot--I
+wish I could remember where, so that it might be marked by a suitable
+tablet--at the sight of which Simpson was overheard to say "_Mon Dieu_!"
+for (probably) the first time in his life.
+
+"You know, all these are olive trees, you chaps," he said every five
+minutes. "I wonder if there are any olives growing on them?"
+
+"Too early," said Archie. "It's the sardine season now."
+
+It was at Cannes that we saw the first oranges.
+
+"That does it," I said to Myra. "We're really here. And look, there's a
+lemon tree. Give me the oranges and lemons and you can have all the
+palms and the cactuses and the olives."
+
+"Like polar bears in the arctic region," said Myra.
+
+I thought for a moment. Superficially there is very little resemblance
+between an orange and a polar bear.
+
+"Like polar bears," I said hopefully.
+
+"I mean," luckily she went on, "polar bears do it for you in the polar
+regions. You really know you're there then. Give me the polar bears, I
+always say, and you can keep the seals and the walruses and the
+penguins. It's the hall-mark."
+
+"Eight. I knew you meant something. In London," I went on, "it is
+raining. Looking out of my window I see a lamp-post (not in flower)
+beneath a low grey sky. Here we see oranges against a blue sky a million
+miles deep. What a blend! Myra, let's go to a fancy-dress ball when we
+got back. You go as an orange and I'll go as a very blue, blue sky, and
+you shall lean against me."
+
+"And we'll dance the tangerine," said Myra.
+
+But now observe us approaching Monte Carlo. For an hour past Simpson has
+been collecting his belongings. Two bags, two coats, a camera, a rug,
+Thomas, golf-clubs, books--his compartment is full of things which have
+to be kept under his eye lest they should evade him at the last moment.
+As the train leaves Monaco his excitement is intense.
+
+"I think, old chap," he says to Thomas, "I'll wear the coats after all."
+
+"And the bags," says Thomas, "and then you'll have a suit."
+
+Simpson puts on the two coats and appears very big and hot.
+
+"I'd better have my hands free," he says, and straps the camera and the
+golf clubs on to himself. "Then if you nip out and get a porter I can
+hand the bags out to him through the window."
+
+"All right," says Thomas. He is deep in his book and looks as if he were
+settled in his corner of the carriage for the day.
+
+The train stops. There is bustle, noise, confusion. Thomas in some
+magical way has disappeared. A porter appears at the open window and
+speaks voluble French to Simpson. Simpson looks round wildly for Thomas.
+"Thomas!" he cries. "_Un moment_," he says to the porter. "Thomas! _Mon
+ami, il n'est pas_----I say, Thomas, old chap, where are you? _Attendez
+un moment. Mon ami_--er--_reviendra_"--He is very hot. He is wearing,
+in addition to what one doesn't mention, an ordinary waistcoat, a woolly
+waist-coat for steamer use, a tweed coat, an aquascutum, an ulster, a
+camera and a bag of golf clubs. The porter, with many gesticulations, is
+still hurling French at him.
+
+It is too much for Simpson. He puts his head out of the window and,
+observing in the distance a figure of such immense dignity that it can
+only belong to the station-master, utters to him across the hurly-burly
+a wild call for help.
+
+"_Ou est_ Cook's _homme_?" he cries.
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE GREAT CONFLICT.
+
+    1886----1914----?
+
+    The End is Not Yet.
+
+    To-morrow."
+
+    _Observer._
+
+Well, well! After twenty-eight years we can wait another day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ESSAY CLUB: _March 1st_. The Poetry of John Masefield, _or_
+    Vegetarianism--is it more Humane?"--_Time and Talents._
+
+Less blood-stained, anyhow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter in _The Natal Mercury_ headed "Butter through the Post":--
+
+    "We send it to Donnybrook by the quickest method, i.e., on the
+    post-card."
+
+We have often found some on our post-cards.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GALLANT SONS OF MARS.
+
+    ["A troop of the Queen's Bays, 2nd Dragoon Guards, while
+    galloping past the Royal Pavilion at Aldershot, observed a woman
+    fall from her bicycle in a faint.
+
+    "They instantly drew rein, and, dismounting, assisted her to the
+    5th Dragoon Guards orderly room, where they vied with each other
+    in giving her every possible attention.
+
+    "She speedily recovered and was able to resume her journey to
+    Farnborough."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+[Illustration: A young lady, while walking by a kiosk in which the band
+of the Royal Heavies was performing, by a mischance got a fly in her
+eye. Perceiving her plight, the bandsmen immediately ceased playing and
+ran to her assistance, each contesting with the other to remove the
+offending insect.]
+
+[Illustration: In a high wind last week on Laffan's Plain an old
+gentleman lost his umbrella. Some Lancers taking part in a sham fight at
+once went in pursuit and speedily restored the recalcitrant article to
+its grateful owner.]
+
+[Illustration: Last Saturday, while at play, a small boy had the
+misfortune to lose his hold of a toy-balloon. A squadron of the Army
+Flying Corps, witnessing the little fellow's grief, at once rendered
+assistance and, with the aid of a monoplane, quickly retrieved the
+bauble.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady (to elderly and confidential maid)_. "I've often
+wondered why you've never married, Simpson?"
+
+_Simpson (disdainfully)_. "I don't like men in any form, my lady."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WILD SWAN.
+
+(Lament on a very rare bird who recently appeared in England and was
+immediately shot.)
+
+  Over the sea (ye maids) a wild swan came;
+    (O maidens) it was but the other day;
+  Men saw him as he passed, with earnest aim
+    To some sequestered spot down Norfolk way--
+  A thing whose like had not been seen for years:
+  _Lament, ye damsels, nor refuse your tears_.
+
+  Serene, he winged his alabaster flight
+    Neath the full beams of the mistaken sun
+  O'er gazing crowds, till at th' unwonted sight
+    Some unexpected sportsman with a gun
+  Brought down the bird, all fluff, mid sounding cheers:
+  _Mourn, maidens, mourn, and wipe the thoughtful tears_.
+
+  Well you may weep. No common bird was he.
+    Has it not long been known, the whole world wide,
+  A wild swan is a prince of faerie,
+    Who comes in such disguise to choose his bride
+  From those of humble lot and tame careers,
+  _Of whom I now require some punctual tears_.
+
+  Wherefore, I say, let every scullion-wench
+    Grieve, nor the dairy-maid from sobs refrain;
+  The sad postmistress, too, should feel the wrench,
+    And the lone tweeny of her loss complain;
+  Let one--let all afflict the listening spheres:
+  _Deplore, ye maids, his fate with rueful tears_.
+
+  It was for these he sought this teeming land,
+  High on the silvery wings of old romance;
+  One knows not where; he had bestowed his hand,
+  But e'en the least had stood an equal chance
+  Of such fair triumph, o'er her bitter peers
+  _And the sweet pleasure of their anguished tears_.
+
+  O prince of faerie! O stately swan!
+    And ye, whose hopes are with the might-have-beens,
+  Curst be the wretch through whom those hopes have gone,
+    Who blew your magic swain to smithereens;
+  Let your full-sorrows whelm his stricken ears;
+  _Lament, ye damsels, nor refuse your tears_.
+
+Dum-dum.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Lady's Realm_ on a new film:--
+
+    "The cost from first to last amounted to L12,000 ... The entire
+    cast--an enormous one, numbering eight thousand people ...
+    visited Rome and the Nile."
+
+This decides us where to spend our holidays. To do Rome and the Nile for
+L1 10s. a head is not a chance to be missed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It has been asked, "Where were the police?" Here is the answer:--
+
+    "The six cuts appeared to have been inflicted with the cutting
+    edge of a chopper, and the seventh with the flat part of the end
+    of the copper."--_Manchester Guardian._
+
+_Robert (putting his foot through the picture)_: "May as well make a job
+of it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST VELASQUITH.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Punch (_to Mr. Bonar Law_). "DON'T HACK IT ABOUT NOW.
+YOU'LL HAVE TWO CHANCES IN THE NEXT SIX YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 9._--When on conclusion of Questions
+the PRIME MINISTER rose to move Second Reading of Home Rule Bill, House
+presented appearance seen only once or twice in lifetime of a
+Parliament. Chamber crowded from floor to topmost bench of Strangers'
+Gallery. Members who could not find seats made for the side galleries,
+filling both rows two deep. Still later comers patiently stood at the
+Bar throughout the full hour occupied by the historic speech. A group
+more comfortably settled themselves on the steps of the SPEAKER'S Chair.
+The principal nations of the world were represented in the Diplomatic
+Gallery by their ambassadors. As for the peers, they fought for places
+in limited space allotted to them with the energy of messenger-boys paid
+to secure places in the queue of first night of new play at popular
+theatre.
+
+[Illustration: MIJNHEER KAARSON. (_The New Orange Free Stater._)
+
+[Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN referred to Ulster as the new "Orange" Free State,
+which has just received official recognition.]
+
+Entering while Questions were in progress PREMIER was received with
+rousing cheer. Renewed with fuller force when he stood at the Table to
+discharge his momentous task. That the enthusiasm was largely testimony
+to personal popularity and esteem appeared from what followed. Weighed
+down with gravity of responsibility, as he unfolded his plan he found
+lacking the inspiration of continuous outbursts of cheering that usually
+punctuate important speeches by Party leaders.
+
+Radicals and Nationalists were prepared to accept his concessions to
+Ulster feeling; but they did not like them. REDMOND'S declaration that
+the PREMIER "has gone to the very extremest limits of concession" drew
+from Ministerialists a more strident cheer than any accorded to their
+Leader as he expounded his plan.
+
+Consciousness of this significant luke-warmness reacted upon PREMIER. He
+spoke with unusual slowness, further developing tendency of recent
+growth to drop his voice at end of sentence.
+
+BONNER LAW studiously quiet in manner, moderate in speech. Nevertheless,
+perhaps therefore, made it clear that PREMIER'S overtures, unloved by
+his followers, will not be welcomed by Opposition. CARSON, who had
+enthusiastic reception from Unionists, flashed forth epigram that put
+Ulster's view in a phrase.
+
+"We don't want sentence of death," he said, "with a stay of execution
+for six years."
+
+Circumstances provided TIM HEALY'S opportunity. Seized it with both
+hands. On behalf of Liberal Party, PREMIER proposed the vivisection of
+Ireland. JOHN REDMOND consented. Plan submitted was that four counties
+of Ulster might, if they pleased, be excluded from operation of Home
+Rule Act for period of six years.
+
+"Would any sane Britisher," TIM asked, "embark upon civil war for the
+difference between six years and 666 years?" As he mentioned the Number
+of the Beast TIM turned to regard the Irish Leader perched in corner
+seat at top of Gangway. "Why should not the hon. gentleman give up that,
+as he has given up everything else? The remains of his principles
+ornament every step of the Gangway."
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading of Home Rule Bill moved. Debate
+adjourned for indefinite period.
+
+_Tuesday._--Prospect of CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER brought up at Bar by
+RANDLES and CASSEL attracted big House in spite of trial opening in
+mid-dinner-hour. As the quarters of an hour sped benches continued to
+fill up till, when LLOYD GEORGE rose to offer his defence (which
+speedily merged into form of attack), there were fully live hundred
+present.
+
+Prisoner indicted on grounds of repeated inaccuracy, particularly on
+account of ineradicable tendency to speak disrespectfully of dukes.
+Nothing could be nicer than manner of prosecuting counsel. They were
+there to discharge a public duty as champions of the truth, vindicators
+of desirable habit of abstention from exaggeration.
+
+"I am," said RANDLES, "not here to be personally disagreeable to the
+CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, whom I have always found genial and
+courteous."
+
+As for the junior counsel, he was affected almost to tears in prospect
+of task jointly committed to him.
+
+"I do not wish," he said in his opening sentence, "to make anything I
+say more offensive or unpleasant than--than the necessities of the case
+warrant."
+
+Ribald Radicals laughed loudly at this way of putting it. With the more
+sober-minded its ingenuousness had favourable effect, maintained
+throughout admirable speech.
+
+No one enjoyed the affair more than prisoner at the bar. Like his great
+prototype, LLOYD GEORGE is never so happy as when, with back against
+wall, he turns to face an attacking host.
+
+"Reminds me of days that are no more," said the MEMBER FOR SARK, looking
+on animated scene from modest quarters on a back bench. "Feel thirty
+years younger. Am transported as by a magical Eastern carpet to times
+when DON JOSE rushed about the country, fluttering his Unauthorised
+Programme, bearding barons in their dens, lashing out at landlords, and
+unceremoniously digging dukes in the ribs, what time a pack of
+scandalised Tories barked furiously at his heels. LLOYD GEORGE is an
+able man, courageous to boot, endowed with gift of turning out sentences
+that dwell in the memory, delighting some hearers, rankling in hearts of
+others. After all, he is but a replica, excellently done I admit, of the
+greatest work of art in the way of Parliamentary and political debate
+known to this generation."
+
+[Illustration: The only bird that, in Mr. TIM HEALY'S view, requires the
+sympathies (if not contempt) of the Plumage Bill.]
+
+Even while SARK murmured his confidences to his neighbour they were
+pointed by dramatic turn in lively speech. Among charges of inaccuracy
+specially cited was LLOYD GEORGE'S description of the Highland
+clearances, whereby, he asserted, "thousands of people were driven from
+their holdings by the exercise of the arbitrary power of the landlord."
+"I will give you an authority for that," he said, and proceeded to read
+a passage of burning eloquence, in which multitudes of hardworking,
+God-fearing people were depicted as driven from the land that had
+belonged to their ancestors, their cottages unroofed, themselves turned
+out homeless and forlorn.
+
+"Who said that?" scornfully inquired an incautious Member seated
+opposite.
+
+Quick came the reply. "The Right Honourable Member for West Birmingham,"
+the CHANCELLOR answered in blandest tones.
+
+Followed up this neatly inserted thrust by quoting from Tory newspapers,
+platform and Parliamentary speeches what was said of DON JOSE in those
+his unregenerate days. Some of them curiously identical with those in
+use just now for edification and reproof of another public man.
+
+_Business done._--CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER indicted for habitual
+inaccuracy, gross and unfounded personal attacks on individuals. Vote of
+censure negatived by 304 votes against 240.
+
+_Thursday._--Major JOHN AUGUSTUS HOPE, late of the King's Royal Rifle
+Corps, nearly had his breath taken away at Question time. Close student
+of methods of WORTHINGTON EVANS, _Mrs. Gummidge_ of Parliamentary life,
+not yet recovered from depression as he sits below Gangway "thinking of
+the old 'un" (MASTERMAN). The Major has of late displayed much industry
+in devising abstruse conundrums designed to bring to light dark places
+in working of Insurance Act. In MASTERMAN'S enforced and regretted
+absence, duty of replying to this class of Question on behalf of
+Minister undertaken by WEDGWOOD BENN, whose sprightly though always
+courteous replies greatly amuse both sides.
+
+To-day the Major fired off, as it wore from a mitrailleuse, volley of
+minute questions involving prolonged research on part of Minister to
+whom they were addressed. Before the smoke had quite cleared away BENN
+rose, remarked, "I assure the honourable and gallant gentleman he is
+totally incorrect," and resumed his seat.
+
+The Major gasped. After devotion of precious time to looking up material
+for his conundrums, after skill and labour bestowed in shaping them, was
+this the result? Every hair on his head bristled with indignation. His
+voice choked with anger. His eye, accustomed to survey other
+battlefields, gleamed on the laughing faces that confronted him.
+Unseemly merriment increased as he attempted to put Supplementary
+Questions, which got unaccountably mixed up between Section 72 of the
+National Insurance Act, 1911, and the provision of Insurance Regulations
+(No. 2) (Scotland).
+
+[Illustration: THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER as seen by his opponents
+and by his admirers.]
+
+If the Major survives shock more will be heard of this.
+
+_Business done._--In Committee on Army Estimates.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BOOK OF THE DAY.
+
+_The Life-Story of a Turnip._ By Ato Mato, F.R.V.S. Illustrated in
+colour. Messrs. Tuber, Root and Co. Price 3s. net.
+
+(Reviewed by A. D. Ryan, M.A.)
+
+There have been autobiographical studies of the animal world; why not of
+the vegetable? This is a delightful monograph, executed with consummate
+skill and verisimilitude throughout. The author, who holds the
+Professorship of Cereal Metaphysics at the University of Tokio, has
+devoted the greater part of his life to the study of the vegetable
+kingdom; and we need hardly remind our readers of the exceedingly
+interesting treatise, entitled "The Psychology of the Cabbage," which
+appeared in a recent issue of the _Carnifugal Quarterly_.
+
+It is indeed time for a more scientific treatment of vegeto-animal
+phenomenon; and Mr. Mato is the pioneer of a science which, we hope,
+will soon receive the attention which it undoubtedly deserves. The
+present volume is in its way a masterpiece. The author has successfully
+avoided treating his subject from a too human point of view, and we are
+paying him a very high compliment when we say that the more we study the
+work the more we are impressed with what we may best describe as the
+"vegetability" of the writer's mind. The book is racy of the soil; it is
+written in a charming and convincing style, and bears the stamp of
+imaginative originality. An acquaintance to whom we lent the book
+admirably expresses the impression we had formed of it by saying that it
+might have been written by EUSTACE or HALLIE MILES. It is characterised
+throughout by the lofty and detached spirit in which a cultured turnip
+would view the troubled course of mundane events. The sentiments
+expressed on such questions as Woman Suffrage, Home Rule, LLOYD GEORGE'S
+land policy, though inevitably Radical in tendency, are admirably sane
+and unbiassed. We cannot do better, if we would convey to our readers
+some conception of the general tone of the work, than quote the opening
+paragraph:--
+
+    "I was born of humble but worthy parents, but the first years"
+    [weeks?] "of my existence were embittered by the loss of both
+    father and mother. My father, who was then in the prime of life,
+    was torn one day from the bosom of his family, tied up in a
+    sack, and taken with some two hundred fellow-sufferers to a
+    slaughter-house, where he was cruelly butchered. Still more
+    tragic was the end of my dear mother. Like my father she was
+    dragged away from her native soil. She was then hurled into an
+    empty shed, where for many days she languished, deprived of both
+    food and light. At last she was thrown into a tumbril with some
+    five hundred unfortunates, carted to a neighbouring farm, thence
+    deported in strict captivity to COVENT GARDEN, and finally
+    conveyed to the sumptuous household of Mr. BERNARD SHAW, who
+    devoured her in three gulps."
+
+From this poignant passage the reader may see for himself the profound
+understanding which Mr. Mato has brought to bear on his theme. We
+commend this book to all lovers of nature.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CINEMA HABIT.
+
+The writer of "The Ideal Film Plot," which appeared in a recent issue of
+_Punch_, has quoted an "authority" (anonymous) for the approval of his
+scenario. It is quite evident that this "authority" (so-styled) must
+belong to the plebeian ranks of the film-world. It cannot reside in
+_our_ suburb.
+
+Our cinema theatre is, I venture to state, of a far superior order, both
+as to drama and as to morality. It is not a mere lantern-hall, close and
+stuffy, with twopenny and fourpenny seats (half-price to children, and
+tea provided free at _matinee_ performances), but a white-and-gold
+Picturedrome, catering to an exclusive class of patrons at sixpence and
+a shilling, with neat attendants in dove-grey who atomise scent about
+the aisles, two palms, one at each side of the proscenium (_real_
+palms), and, in addition to a piano, a mustel organ to accompany the
+pathetic passages in the films. Moreover, the commissionaire outside,
+whose medals prove that he has seen service in the Charge of the Light
+Brigade, the Black Hole of Calcutta, and the Great Raid on the House of
+Commons in 1910, is not one of those blatant-voiced showmen who clamour
+for patronage; he is a quiet and dignified receptionnaire, content to
+rely on the fame and good repute of his theatre. Sometimes evening dress
+(from "The Laburnums," Meadowsweet Avenue, who are on the Stock
+Exchange) is to be seen in the more expensive seats.
+
+It is unquestionably a high-class Picturedrome. True that the local
+dentist, who is a stickler for correct English, protests against the
+designation. I have pointed out to him that if a "Hippodrome" is a place
+where one sees performing hippos, then surely a place where one sees
+performing pictures is correctly styled a "Picturedrome."
+
+I am acquiring the cinema habit.
+
+It is very restful. Each film is preceded on the screen by a certificate
+showing that its morality has been guaranteed by Mr. REDFORD. I have
+complete confidence in Mr. REDFORD'S sense of propriety. If, for
+instance, a bedroom scene is shown and a lady is about to change her
+gown, one's advance blushes are needless. That film will be arrested at
+the loosing of the first hook or button. Virtue will always be plainly
+triumphant and vice as plainly vanquished. Even the minor imperfections
+of character will be suitably punished. When on the screen we see Daisy,
+the flighty college girl, borrowing without permission her friend's hat,
+gown, shoes, necklace and curls in order to make a fascinating display
+before her young college man, it is certain that she will be publicly
+shamed by her friends and discredited in the eyes of her lover whose
+affections she seeks to win in this unmoral fashion.
+
+On the screen we shall be sure to meet many old friends. The young
+American society nuts, in square-rigged coats, spacious trousers, and
+knobbly shoes, will buzz around the pretty girl like flies around a
+honey-pot, clamouring for the privilege of presenting her with a
+twenty-dollar bouquet of American Beauty roses. The bouquet she accepts
+will be the hero's; and the other nuts will then group themselves in the
+background while she registers a glad but demure smile full in the eye
+of the camera.
+
+The hero, however, loses his paternal expectations in the maelstrom of
+Wall Street. Throwing off his coat--literally, because at the cinema we
+are left in no doubt as to intentions--he resolves to go "out West" and
+retrieve the family fortunes.
+
+Our old friends the cow-boys meet him at the wooden shack which
+represents the railway station at Waybackville, registering great glee
+at the prospect of hazing a tenderfoot. We know full well that he will
+eventually win their respect and high regard--probably by foiling a
+dastardly plot on the part of a Mexican half-breed--and we are therefore
+in no anxiety of mind when they raise the dust around his feet with
+their six-shooters, toss him in a blanket or entice him on to a
+meek-looking, but in reality record-busting, broncho.
+
+In the middle of the drama we look forward to the "chases," and we are
+never disappointed. Our pursued hero, attired in the picturesque
+bandarilleros of shaggy mohair and the open-throated shirterino of the
+West, will race through the tangled thickets of the picadoro-trees;
+thunder down the crumbling banks of amontillados so steep that the
+camera probably gets a crick in the neck looking up at him; ride the
+foaming torrent with one hand clasping the mane of his now tamed
+broncho, and the other hand triggering his shooting-iron; and eventually
+fall exhausted from the horse at the very doorstep of the ranch, one
+arm, pinged by a dastardly rifle-bullet, dangling helplessly by his
+side. (It is, by the way, always the arm or shoulder; the cinema never
+allows him to get it distressingly in the leg or in the neck.)
+
+In the ultimate, with the wounded arm in a sling, he will tenderly
+embrace the heroine through a hundred feet of film, she meanwhile
+registering great joy and trustfulness, until the scene slowly darkens
+into blackness, and the screen suddenly announces that the next item on
+the programme will be No. 7, Exclusive to the Picturedrome.
+
+We are greatly favoured with "exclusives." It may be possible that other
+suburbs have these films, but it must be second-hand, after we have
+finished with them. The names of the artistes who create the _roles_ are
+announced on the screen: "_Captain Jack Reckless_--Mr. Courcy van
+Highball," or it maybe "_Juliet_, Miss Mamie Euffles." Or it is a film
+taken at the local regatta or athletic sports, and the actors in it
+include all the notabilities of the district. We flock to see how we (or
+our neighbours) look on the screen, and enjoy a hearty laugh when the
+scullers of "The Laburnums" register a crab full in the eye of the
+camera, or "The Oleanders" canoe receives a plenteous backwash from a
+river-steamer.
+
+But the staple fare is drama--red-blooded drama, where one is never in
+doubt as to who is in love with whom, and how much. Sometimes, to be
+frank, there is a passing flirtation, due to pique, between a wife and a
+third party, leading to misunderstandings, complications and blank
+despair on the part of the husband; but as there is always a "little
+one" somewhere in the background, we are never anxious as to the final
+outcome. It will end with the husband embracing the repentant (but
+stainless) wife, and at the same time extending a manly hand of
+reconciliation to the third party.
+
+We also like the dying fiddler (with visions) and the motor-car
+splurges--especially the latter. In our daily life we are plagued with
+motor-cars, cycle-cars and motor-cycle side-cars, being on a highroad
+from London town to the country; but on the screen we adore them.
+
+The cinema is very restful. There are no problems to vex the moral
+judgment; no psychological doubts; no anxieties. It will be "the mixture
+as before," ending in the loving, lingering kiss.
+
+Say what you will of Mr. REDFORD, he never deprives us of the kiss.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Gladys_ (_who has been told she may see her convalescent
+Daddy, but fails to recognise him with ten days' growth of beard_).
+"Mummy, Mummy, Daddy's not there; but there's a burglarer in his bed."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WATER ON THE BRAIN.
+
+Some interesting revelations have been published in _The Daily Mail_ on
+the tonic effect of the bath on our greatest workers, notably
+stockbrokers, novelists and actors.
+
+Mr. ARTHUR BOURCHIER declared that he read plays in the bath and that
+the best results were obtained by those selected either in the bath or
+on a long railway journey. "A man," he added, "is always at his best in
+his bath." Again, Mr. CHARLES GARVICE, the famous novelist, said that he
+always felt intensely musical while having his bath, though the ideas
+for his stories came chiefly while he was shaving.
+
+We are glad to be able to supplement these revelations with some further
+testimony from the _elite_ of the world of letters.
+
+Mr. CLEMENT SHORTER, in the course of an interesting interview, spoke
+eloquently on the daily renewal of the bath. From the day when he first
+became a Wet Bob at Eton he had never wavered in his devotion to
+matutinal and vespertinal ablutions. In fact, his philosophy on this
+point might be summed up in the quatrain:--
+
+  A bath in the morning
+  Is the bookman's adorning;
+  A bath at night
+  Is the bookman's delight.
+
+His ideal form of exercise was a ride in a bath-chair, just as his
+favourite diet was bath-chaps and bath-buns. For the rest he found that
+the ideas of his best pars came to him while he was using a
+scrubbing-brush which had belonged to Posh, EDWARD FITZGERALD'S boatman.
+
+Mr. LAURENCE BINYON, the poet and art critic, confessed that some of his
+choicest lyrics had been composed when he was using a loofah. But it
+must be applied rhythmically, to the accompaniment of a soft hissing
+sound such as was affected by stable-hands when grooming high-mettled
+steeds. Mr. BINYON added that it was a curious thing that while frequent
+references abounded in the classics to drinking from the Pierian spring,
+no mention occurred of bathing in it. But the divine afflatus no doubt
+worked differently in different ages. DIOGENES lived in a tub, but there
+was no evidence that he ever took one.
+
+Mr. PERCY FITZGERALD, in reply to a request for his views on the
+subject, said that he considered soap and water to be an invaluable
+intellectual stimulant. DICKENS was a great believer in it; so, too, was
+_Lady Macbeth_ and the famous Bishop WILBERFORCE, known as "Soapy Sam"
+from his excessive addiction to detergents. CHARLES LEVER, again, whom
+he knew intimately, had a passion for washing and, so he believed,
+started a soap factory, which was still in existence.
+
+The Baroness ORCZY pointed out to our representative that there was a
+natural harmony between different sorts of baths and different styles of
+composition. For heroic romance, cold baths were indispensable. For the
+novel of sensation she recommended champagne with a dash of ammoniated
+quinine. Similarly with regard to the use of soaps. Thus in any of her
+stories in which royalty, played a prominent part she found it
+impossible to dispense with Old Brown Windsor.
+
+Mr. MAX BEERBOHM contented himself by cordially endorsing Mr. ARTHUR
+BOURCHIER'S statement that he was (if ever) at his best in his bath.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN MARCH.
+
+  There is cloud and a splash of blue sky overhead,
+  And the road by the common's the brave road to tread;
+      You miss all your neighbours,
+        And hear the wind play
+      His pipes and his tabors
+        Along the king's way.
+
+  From the elms at the corner the rooks tumble out
+  To dance you Sir Roger in clamorous rout;
+      For all honest people
+        There's gold on the whin,
+      And bells in the steeple,
+        And ale at the inn.
+
+  The brewer's brown horses, they shine in the sun,
+  And each of the team must weigh nearly a ton.
+      They stamp and they sidle,
+        Their great necks they arch,
+      And snatch at the bridle
+        This morning of March.
+
+  For Winter is over, you see the fine sights--
+  The geese on the common, the boys flying kites,
+      The daffydowndillies
+        That stoop on the stem,
+      And my pretty Phyllis
+        Who's gathering them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIGNERS OF THE TIMES.
+
+Ralston came into the railway carriage with a fountain-pen and a huge
+sheet of official-looking paper.
+
+"Pardon my intrusion," he said. "This is a non-party business. I am just
+getting a few signatures----"
+
+"Don't apologise, Sir," interrupted Baffin. "I am delighted to see a
+young man like you working in such a cause. Every loyal Englishman,
+unless blindly ignorant or filled with Radical spite, will be delighted
+to sign it."
+
+Grabbing the fountain-pen he scribbled the imposing signature, "James
+Baffin, Hughenden, Tulse Hill."
+
+"It doesn't involve any financial responsibility?" enquired Macdougal
+with a touch of national caution.
+
+"Not in the least. You just sign," replied Ralston.
+
+Down went the name of Luke Macdougal.
+
+Wilcox had to have his attention drawn to the petition because he
+pretended to be absorbed in _The Times_--reading it with the attachment
+of an old subscriber, though we all knew he had only taken it for two
+days.
+
+"Of course," said Wilcox, "at the present moment I could not think of
+taking any active part in military operations myself, but I am sure my
+son-in-law----"
+
+"You are not supposed to do anything but sign," said Ralston.
+
+"Certainly, certainly, I'll be very pleased to sign. My son-in-law is a
+most determined young fellow and feels most strongly on this point."
+
+And Mr. Wilcox amiably offered up his son-in-law as a vicarious
+sacrifice.
+
+Dodham was a little dubious. "You see I'm not a politician," he began.
+
+"Politics have nothing to do with it," said Ralston.
+
+"No one, Sir, but an abject coward," broke in Baffin, "would shrink from
+saving his country at such a critical moment."
+
+"Well," said Dodham, "one can't be far wrong when non-party men like
+KIPLING and GEORGE ALEXANDER are signing. I think I shall be justified."
+
+The name of J. Percival Dodham was added to the list.
+
+Ralston turned to me. "You will sign, old man?"
+
+"No, thanks," I said. "Signed a teetotal-pledge when I was six, and my
+aunts have brought it up against me ever since. Besides I haven't a
+father-in-law to take my place."
+
+We stopped at a station.
+
+"I'm off," said Ralston; "got to rake up more signatures."
+
+Four men glared contemptuously at me for the rest of the journey. I
+don't know whether they regarded me as a miserable Little Englander or a
+wicked Big Irelander.
+
+When we reached Ludgate Hill I saw Ralston standing triumphantly on the
+platform.
+
+"Done well to-day?" I queried.
+
+"Oceans of signatures."
+
+I glanced over his shoulder and saw that the printing on the outer sheet
+began, "To the Manager, S. E. and L. C. D. Railway Companies."
+
+"What's he got to do with this thing?" I demanded.
+
+"Everything," explained Ralston amiably. "It's a petition to run the
+8.42 ten minutes earlier. I can't get to the office by 9.15 as it is."
+
+"What," I cried, "have all your miserable dupes been signing away ten
+minutes of their breakfast time?"
+
+Ralston winked at me. "I've just got to go into a carriage and say it's
+non-political and they jump to sign it. Signing's a sort of habit
+nowadays. Not my fault if they don't listen to explanations."
+
+My heart thrilled as I thought of what the brave men would say who,
+under the impression they were merely promising their own or their
+relations' blood, had tragically shortened their breakfast hour. Talk of
+revolutions! Look out for a revolution in the Tulse Hill district when
+the 8.42 becomes the 8.32!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Temperance Worker_ (_paying a surprise visit to the home
+of his pet convert_). "Does Mr. McMurdoch live here?"
+
+_Mrs. McMurdoch._ "Aye; carry him in!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. BALFOUR: MIXED DOUBLE LIFE.
+
+(From our Special Correspondent.)
+
+Nice, _Monday_.
+
+"I must confess that I felt somewhat nervous," said Mr. BALFOUR after
+the match, as he sipped a split sal-volatile and cinnamon, "but not so
+nervous as I was in the singles. But it was the first time that I ever
+stood up to the twin-screw service which Baron von Stosch uses so
+cleverly, and once or twice I was beaten by the swerve." But his
+partner, the famous Basque amateur, Mme. Jaureguiberry, was loud in his
+praises. "He played like a statesman and a diplomatist," she said. The
+Grand Duke MICHAEL was also greatly impressed and made a neat _mot_.
+"His fore-hand drives," he said, "were worthy of a driver of a
+four-in-hand." Mr. BALFOUR, it should be noted, wore brown tennis shoes
+with rubber soles, unlike Sir OLIVER LODGE, who always golfs in white
+buckskin boots. His shirt was of some soft material and was marked with
+his name on a tape, "A. J. BALFOUR. 6. 1913."
+
+Details of the Game.
+
+Mr. BALFOUR started serving, and the first two games fell to him and his
+partner owing to a certain wildness in the returns of Princess Pongo, a
+Nigerian lady of remarkable agility who has only been playing tennis for
+the last three months, as, owing to the laws of the Hausa tribe, mixed
+tennis is strictly forbidden in Nigeria. The Princess was, however, well
+backed up by her partner, the Baron von Stosch, an athletic Prussian
+with a powerful smash, and after five games all had been called the set
+fell to the ex-PREMIER and his partner. In the second set a regrettable
+incident occurred, a ball skidding off Mr. BALFOUR's racquet into the
+eye of the Grand Duke Uriel, who was acting as umpire. Mr. BALFOUR was
+much upset by the _contretemps_, and repeatedly sliced his drive into
+the net, remarking, "Dear, dear," on two occasions.
+
+The activity of the Princess Pongo, who wore a tasteful _toque_
+surmounted by a stuffed baby gorilla, was much admired, and when the
+score was called "one set all," the enthusiasm of the bystanders knew no
+bounds. A slight delay was caused by the arrival of a telegram for Mr.
+BALFOUR, announcing that, in view of the grave importance of the present
+political situation, _The Times_ had been reduced to a penny. This he
+perused with deep emotion. On the resumption of the game, however, the
+ex-PREMIER at once showed himself to be in his best form. He sclaffed
+several beauties past the Baron, nonplussed the Nigerian princess by his
+luscious lobs, and finished off the set and match by a wonderful
+scoop-stroke which died down like a poached egg.
+
+Early in the set he gave a remarkable proof of his detachment. Just as
+the Princess was preparing to serve one of her juiciest undercut
+strokes, the tones of a soprano practising her scales rang out from a
+neighbouring flat. "Rather sharp, I think," said Mr. BALFOUR, and the
+Princess, overcome by the ready wit of the ex-PREMIER, served four
+faults in quick succession. At the conclusion of the game Mr. BALFOUR
+wiped his face twice with his handkerchief and signed his name in the
+birthday books of several American heiresses.
+
+We understand that there is no truth in the rumour that Mr. BALFOUR will
+box five rounds with CARPENTIER at a Charity Bazaar and Gymkhana next
+Saturday, but hopes are entertained that he will dance the Ta-tao with
+the Princess Pongo, and enter for the three-legged race with the Grand
+Duke Uriel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO MAKE THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME."
+
+[Illustration: _Judge._ "Have you anything to say for yourself before I
+sentence you, Prisoner?"
+
+_Prisoner._ "Yes, your Lordship; I taught your wife and daughters the
+Tango."
+
+_Judge._ "Twenty years."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN IDOL OF THE MARKET PLACE.
+
+  Decorum and the butcher's cat
+    Are seldom far apart--
+  From dawn when clouds surmount the air,
+  Piled like a beauty's powdered hair,
+  Till dusk, when down the misty square
+    Rumbles the latest cart
+
+  He sits in coat of white and grey
+    Where the rude cleaver's shock
+  Horrid from time to time descends,
+  And his imposing presence lends
+  Grace to a platform that extends
+    Beneath the chopping-block.
+
+  How tranquil are his close-piled cheeks
+    His paws, sequestered warm!
+  An oak-grained panel backs his head
+  And all the stock-in-trade is spread,
+  A symphony in white and red,
+    Round his harmonious form.
+
+  The butcher's brave cerulean garb
+    Flutters before his face,
+  The cleaver dints his little roof
+  Of furrowed wood; remote, aloof
+  He sits superb and panic-proof
+    In his accustomed place.
+
+  Threading the columned county hall,
+    Mid-most before his eyes,
+  Alerter dog and loitering maid
+  Cross from the sunlight to the shade,
+  And small amenities of trade
+    Under the gables rise;
+
+  Cats of the town, a shameless crew,
+    Over the way he sees
+  Propitiate with lavish purr
+  An unresponsive customer,
+  Or, meek with sycophantic fur,
+    Caress the children's knees.
+
+  But he, betrothed to etiquette,
+    Betrays nor head nor heart;
+  Lone as the Ark on Ararat,
+  A monument of fur and fat,
+  Decorum and the butcher's cat
+    Are seldom far apart.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was Horace that put in print the old truth that no man in
+    this world is satisfied with the lot which either fortune or
+    others have put him to."--_"T. P." in his "Weekly."_
+
+HORACE, of course, was always rushing into print.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Her hands dropped to her side. She toyed with the little locket
+    on the gold chain at her throat. 'I am capable of anything!' she
+    said."--_"Daily Mirror" Serial._
+
+Evidently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Keeper_ (_who, unobserved, has been watching the
+transgressor_). "Ay, man, ye _hae_ a conscience, but it's gae elastic,
+I'm thinkin'."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+MR. HENRY HOLIDAY'S _Reminiscences of my Life_ (HEINEMANN) will show you
+a kindly simple soul who had an extraordinarily nice time, met all kinds
+of interesting folk, and had a generous devotion to any number of
+unpopular causes, such as Women's Suffrage, the futuristic socialism of
+BELLAMY'S _Looking Backward_, Home Rule in Ireland, healthy and artistic
+dress, good music, the abolition of war. Whatever capacity of expression
+his successful and not undistinguished career as a painter (amongst
+other things, of BEATRICE cutting DANTE on the bridge), stained-glass
+worker and mural decorator proves him to have had in his proper medium,
+the gift of pointed literary expression and appropriate selection seems
+to have been withheld from him. But he has little reason to complain.
+Some, at least, of his causes are appreciably nearer victory than when
+he espoused them; we are even a little nearer looking backwards. One
+small point in these discursive memoirs will especially delight the
+mildly cynical--that this worthy pre-Raphaelite, who with his friends
+had suffered so much from the limitations of view of a mid-Victorian
+Royal Academy, should be so maliciously ready to have all modern rebels
+in paint, their milestones hung about their necks, sunk in the
+nethermost deeps with all their works! One can find diversion, too, in
+the decorous story of Mr. HOLIDAY'S nude statue of _Sleep_, rejected
+(according to a message from G. F. WATTS) on account of its nudity in
+1879 by that same Academy, and accepted in 1880 when the artist with
+laborious modesty had modelled for it a plaster-of-paris nightgown. The
+author claims some share, through the Healthy and Artistic Dress Union,
+in the changes towards rational beauty which women's dress has lately
+shown. And that surely, is by no means to have lived in vain!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There are few Memsahibs who know India and can write about it as well as
+Mrs. ALICE PERRIN, so that when she calls her new book _The Happy
+Hunting Ground_ (METHUEN) she sets you thinking. And when you begin to
+think, you see that that really is the meaning of those tearful
+farewells at Victoria and Charing Cross, that heavy-hearted cheering and
+waving of handkerchiefs as the liner puts off from the docks, which are
+for us who stay at home the symbol of our share in the burden of empire.
+When our sisters and our daughters (and our cousins and aunts) sail away
+to Marseilles and the East they go to find husbands, largely because for
+many of them there is in this country little prospect of marriage with
+men of their own class. But that is only half the story. They go in
+search of mates. They stay to play, as helpmeets, the woman's part in
+carrying on the high tradition of the British Raj. With this fundamental
+truth as her background, Mrs. PERRIN has drawn, simply but with
+practised skill, the picture of a young girl who leaves the dull
+security of Earl's Court to go a-hunting in the plains and the hills,
+obedient to the call of India, which is in her bones. There, like many
+another before her, she loves and suffers, and makes sacrifices and
+mistakes, and (I am glad to say) finds happiness at the last. The
+strength of Mrs. PERRIN'S book, apart from the value of its background,
+lies in the reality of its characters. If you have a drop of
+Anglo-Indian blood in your veins you will know what it means. You will
+greet them as blood relations, and take a kinsman's interest not only in
+their joys and sorrows, but in their whole attitude towards life, and
+even their little tricks of thought and speech.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+About a year ago Mr. JOSEPH KNOWLES began to think that "the people of
+the present day were sadly neglecting the details of the great book of
+nature," and asked himself if he could not do something to remedy
+matters. His answer to this question was to take off all his clothes,
+and, on August 4, 1913, to enter the wilderness of Northern Maine, and
+live like a primitive man for two months. On page 12 of _Alone in the
+Wilderness_ (LONGMANS) he is to be seen taking off his coat (and posing,
+I feel bound to add, very becomingly), and eight pages farther on you
+can see him divested of his clothing and "breaking the last link." As
+used to enforce a primitive ideal, the modern art of photography seems,
+if I may say so, a little out of this picture; but, anyhow, into the
+forest Mr. KNOWLES went with "nodings on," and there he stuck out his
+time, speaking to no one, scarcely seeing a human being, and
+proving--well, I don't honestly think that he proved much. But at least
+he was not what he calls a quitter, and as more than once he had an
+intense desire to return to civilisation, he deserves much credit for
+carrying out his resolution. But, difficult as he found it to remain for
+the two months, he has found even greater difficulty in writing
+interestingly about his experiment. Apart from his account of a great
+moose-fight, the fascinating scenes in his book are those in which his
+former experiences as a trapper and hunter are described. But Mr.
+KNOWLES has not finished with his adventure; he is going to live
+stark-naked in the wilderness for another two months, but this time
+under inspection, so that the unbelievers can be convinced. I am not
+among the unbelievers--indeed, I am convinced of the absolute truth of
+every statement he makes--but I doubt if a repetition of his performance
+is the best way to help on the College of Nature which he hopes to
+start. Why, in short, pander to the unbelievers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR CURIO CRANKS.
+
+[Illustration: The man who collects mud-splashes from the wheels of the
+exalted great.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A period so bygone as that of His late Majesty KING HENRY II. (of whose
+exact date you will scarcely need to be reminded) has not an immediate
+and irresistible attraction for every novel reader, and it may take much
+to persuade some that they will ever become really concerned with the
+deeds and destinies of such people as _Jehane_ the woodward's daughter,
+_Edwy_ the tanner of Clee, and _Lord Lambert do Fort-Castel_, be their
+deeds and destinies never so adventurous or romantic. Further, the
+juvenile manner of the pictorial cover attached to _Jehane of the
+Forest_ (MELROSE) is not calculated to whet the appetite of the adult
+public, and the eulogy of a well-known author, appended on a printed
+slip, lacks the essential glow of the effective advertisement. It misses
+the point; it is pedantic, and pedantry is the one thing for which wary
+readers are on the look out in stories of antiquity. It is first
+important, then, to acquit Mr. L. A. TALBOT of every offence of which,
+in the blackness of the outward circumstances, he might be
+suspected--affectations, anachronisms, excess of local and contemporary
+colour, absence of humour or human touches, any tendency to bore. The
+book presents a charming picture of the counties on the Welsh Border and
+unravels a delightful tale in which the characters talk the language
+peculiar to their time, but are controlled by the everlasting motives of
+human nature. Though the times were harder than ours the people seem to
+have been neither better nor worse than we are; and, when approached
+from such a point of view as Mr. TALBOT has taken, there is nothing to
+be said against, but very much to be said for, the period of 1154-1189,
+which, as every schoolboy is punished for not knowing, covers the reign
+of HENRY II.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss MILLS YOUNG does not, I think, improve as an artist. _The Purple
+Mists_ (LANE) is her latest book, and it is not so real and satisfactory
+a piece of work as _Grit Lawless_ or _Atonement_. The theme of her new
+novel is the coming of love to two people who married without any other
+emotion than restrained but unmistakable antipathy. Why people should do
+these things so often in novels I do not know, but on the present
+occasion _Euretta_ (_Euretta_ is not an attractive name) and _John Shaw_
+(you can tell by _his_ name that he is a strong silent man who is deep
+in his work and has no time to bother about women) are driven into
+matrimony by Miss MILLS YOUNG. After a while it appears that _Mr. Shaw_
+is beginning to care for _Euretta_ very much, but he shows his affection
+for her by avoiding her as much as possible and snarling when she speaks
+to him. It is obvious that a more kindly figure must be somewhere close
+at hand eager to console _Euretta_. Miss YOUNG discovers him, finds that
+he is precisely the deep-drinking, warm-hearted rascal necessary for
+this kind of occasion, and provides him with the inevitable situations
+proper to the _tertium quid_. The defects of _The Purple Mists_ all
+arise from the fact that Miss MILLS YOUNG has been told by her friends
+that she tells a good story. If, next time, she thinks first of her
+characters and then chronicles their logical development, instead of
+forcing them into a threadbare plot, she will give us the fine book of
+which I am sure she is capable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "According to the Jewish Chronicle, the number of Jews in the
+    world now exceeds 13,000: to be exact, 13,052,840."
+
+    _Family Herald (B.C.)_
+
+Our contemporary should cultivate the large tracts of truth which lie
+between the extreme vagueness of the first estimate and the pedantic
+accuracy of the second.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Rokeby Venus in Ribbons."--_Globe._
+
+Are we becoming prudish?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Breezes between North and South."--_Cork Examiner._
+
+This is the weather forecast for Ireland, and at first sight seems
+obvious; but "in view," as our penny contemporary says, "of the grave
+importance of the present political situation," we suspect a deeper
+meaning.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+146, MARCH 18, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 23087.txt or 23087.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/0/8/23087
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/23087.zip b/23087.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d555026
--- /dev/null
+++ b/23087.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5d62aba
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #23087 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/23087)