diff options
Diffstat (limited to '23024.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 23024.txt | 2601 |
1 files changed, 2601 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/23024.txt b/23024.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..22612e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/23024.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2601 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Grimm Tales Made Gay, by Guy Wetmore Carryl + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Grimm Tales Made Gay + +Author: Guy Wetmore Carryl + +Illustrator: Albert Levering + +Release Date: October 13, 2007 [EBook #23024] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRIMM TALES MADE GAY *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards, Jacqueline Jeremy and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + GRIMM TALES MADE GAY + By GUY WETMORE CARRYL + + With GAY PICTURES + By ALBERT LEVERING + + + + + [Illustration: _This shows the sword that Blue-Beard used full sore, + After he'd led his young wife to a door._] + + + + + GRIMM TALES MADE GAY + By GUY WETMORE CARRYL + + AUTHOR OF + THIS AND MANY OTHER THINGS! + + [Illustration] + + PICTURES BY + ALBERT LEVERING + + ARTIST OF + THAT THE OTHER AND THIS + + [Illustration] + + BOSTON & NEW YORK + HOUGHTON, MIFFLIN & Co. + + + + + [Illustration] + + COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY GUY + WETMORE CARRYL AND + ALBERT LEVERING + ALL RIGHTS RESERVED + + _Published in October, 1902_ + + + + + [Illustration] + + TO CHARLES WALTON OGDEN + + + + + NOTE + + + _I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission of + the editors to reprint in this form such of these verses as were + originally published in Harper's Magazine, The Century, Life, The + Smart Set, The Saturday Evening Post, The Home Magazine, and the + London Tatler. + G. W. C._ + + [Illustration] + + + + + [Illustration] + + The Contents + + HOW THE BABES IN THE WOOD SHOWED THEY COULDN'T BE BEATEN + + HOW FAIR CINDERELLA DISPOSED OF HER SHOE + + HOW LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD CAME TO BE EATEN + + HOW THE FATUOUS WISH OF A PEASANT CAME TRUE + + HOW HOP O' MY THUMB GOT RID OF AN ONUS + + HOW THE HELPMATE OF BLUE-BEARD MADE FREE WITH A DOOR + + HOW RUMPLESTILZ HELD OUT IN VAIN FOR A BONUS + + HOW JACK MADE THE GIANTS UNCOMMONLY SORE + + HOW RUDENESS AND KINDNESS WERE JUSTLY REWARDED + + HOW BEAUTY CONTRIVED TO GET SQUARE WITH THE BEAST + + HOW A FAIR ONE NO HOPE TO HIS HIGHNESS ACCORDED + + HOW THOMAS A MAID FROM A DRAGON RELEASED + + HOW A BEAUTY WAS WAKED AND HER SUITOR WAS SUITED + + HOW JACK FOUND THAT BEANS MAY GO BACK ON A CHAP + + HOW A CAT WAS ANNOYED AND A POET WAS BOOTED + + HOW MUCH FORTUNATUS COULD DO WITH A CAP + + HOW A PRINCESS WAS WOOED FROM HABITUAL SADNESS + + HOW A GIRL WAS TOO RECKLESS OF GRAMMAR BY FAR + + HOW THE PEACEFUL ALADDIN GAVE WAY TO HIS MADNESS + + HOW A FISHERMAN CORKED UP HIS FOE IN A JAR + + ENVOI + + + + + _How the Babes in the Wood Showed They Couldn't be Beaten_ + + + A man of kind and noble mind + Was H. Gustavus Hyde. + 'Twould be amiss to add to this + At present, for he died, + In full possession of his senses, + The day before my tale commences. + + [Illustration] + + One half his gold his four-year-old + Son Paul was known to win, + And Beatrix, whose age was six, + For all the rest came in, + Perceiving which, their Uncle Ben did + A thing that people said was splendid. + + For by the hand he took them, and + Remarked in accents smooth: + "One thing I ask. Be mine the task + These stricken babes to soothe! + My country home is really charming: + I'll teach them all the joys of farming." + + [Illustration] + + One halcyon week they fished his creek, + And watched him do the chores, + In haylofts hid, and, shouting, slid + Down sloping cellar doors:-- + Because this life to bliss was equal + The more distressing is the sequel. + + Concealing guile beneath a smile, + He took them to a wood, + And, with severe and most austere + Injunctions to be good, + He left them seated on a gateway, + And took his own departure straightway. + + [Illustration] + + Though much afraid, the children stayed + From ten till nearly eight; + At times they wept, at times they slept, + But never left the gate: + Until the swift suspicion crossed them + That Uncle Benjamin had lost them. + + [Illustration] + + Then, quite unnerved, young Paul observed: + "It's like a dreadful dream, + And Uncle Ben has fallen ten + Per cent. in my esteem. + Not only did he first usurp us, + But now he's left us here on purpose!" + + * * * * * + + For countless years their childish fears + Have made the reader pale, + For countless years the public's tears + Have started at the tale, + For countless years much detestation + Has been expressed for their relation. + + So draw a veil across the dale + Where stood that ghastly gate. + No need to tell. You know full well + What was their touching fate, + And how with leaves each little dead breast + Was covered by a Robin Redbreast! + + But when they found them on the ground, + Although their life had ceased, + Quite near to Paul there lay a small + White paper, neatly creased. + "_Because of lack of any merit, + B. Hyde_," it ran, "_we disinherit_!" + + + _The Moral_: If you deeply long + To punish one who's done you wrong, + Though in your lifetime fail you may, + Where there's a will, there is a way! + + + + + _How Fair Cinderella Disposed of Her Shoe_ + + + The vainest girls in forty states + Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates; + They warbled, slightly off the air, + Romantic German songs, + And each of them upon her hair + Employed the curling tongs, + And each with ardor most intense + Her buxom figure laced, + Until her wilful want of sense + Procured a woeful waist: + For bound to marry titled mates + Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates. + + [Illustration] + + Yet, truth to tell, the swains were few + Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too). + So morning, afternoon, and night + Upon their sister they + Were wont to vent their selfish spite, + And in the rudest way: + For though her name was Leonore, + That's neither there nor here, + They called her Cinderella, for + The kitchen was her sphere, + Save when the hair she had to do + Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too). + + [Illustration] + + Each night to dances and to _fetes_ + Went Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates, + And Cinderella watched them go + In silks and satins clad: + A prince invited them, and so + They put on all they had! + But one fine night, as all alone + She watched the flames leap higher, + A small and stooping fairy crone + Stept nimbly from the fire. + Said she: "The pride upon me grates + Of Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates." + + "I'll now," she added, with a frown, + "Call Gwendolyn and Gladys down!" + And, ere your fingers you could snap, + There stood before the door + No paltry hired horse and trap, + Oh, no!--a coach and four! + And Cinderella, fitted out + Regardless of expense, + Made both her sisters look about + Like thirty-seven cents! + The prince, with one look at her gown, + Turned Gwendolyn and Gladys down! + + [Illustration] + + Wall-flowers, when thus compared with her, + Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were. + The prince but gave them glances hard, + No gracious word he said; + He scratched their names from off his card, + And wrote hers down instead: + And where he would bestow his hand + He showed them in a trice + By handing her the kisses, and + To each of them an ice! + In sudden need of fire and fur + Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were. + + [Illustration] + + At ten o'clock, in discontent, + Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went. + Their sister stayed till after two, + And, with a joy sincere, + The prince obtained her crystal shoe + By way of souvenir. + "Upon the bridal path," he cried, + "We'll reign together! Since + I love you, you must be my bride!" + (He was no slouch, that prince!) + And into sudden languishment + Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went. + + + _The Moral_: All the girls on earth + Exaggerate their proper worth. + They think the very shoes they wear + Are worth the average millionaire; + Whereas few pairs in any town + Can be half-sold for half a crown! + + [Illustration] + + + + + _How Little Red Riding Hood Came to be Eaten_ + + + Most worthy of praise + Were the virtuous ways + Of Little Red Riding Hood's Ma, + And no one was ever + More cautious and clever + Than Little Red Riding Hood's Pa. + They never misled, + For they meant what they said, + And would frequently say what they meant, + And the way she should go + They were careful to show, + And the way that they showed her, she went. + For obedience she was effusively thanked, + And for anything else she was carefully spanked. + + [Illustration] + + [Illustration] + + It thus isn't strange + That Red Riding Hood's range + Of virtues so steadily grew, + That soon she won prizes + Of different sizes, + And golden encomiums, too! + As a general rule + She was head of her school, + And at six was so notably smart + That they gave her a cheque + For reciting "The Wreck + Of the Hesperus," wholly by heart! + And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure, + When I add that this money she gave to the poor. + + At eleven this lass + Had a Sunday-school class, + At twelve wrote a volume of verse, + At thirteen was yearning + For glory, and learning + To be a professional nurse. + To a glorious height + The young paragon might + Have grown, if not nipped in the bud, + But the following year + Struck her smiling career + With a dull and a sickening thud! + (I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain, + And must copy my manuscript over again!) + + [Illustration] + + Not dreaming of harm, + One day on her arm + A basket she hung. It was filled + With jellies, and ices, + And gruel, and spices, + And chicken-legs, carefully grilled, + And a savory stew, + And a novel or two + She'd persuaded a neighbor to loan, + And a hot-water can, + And a Japanese fan, + And a bottle of _eau-de-cologne_, + And the rest of the things that your family fill + Your room with, whenever you chance to be ill! + + She expected to find + Her decrepit but kind + Old Grandmother waiting her call, + But the visage that met her + Completely upset her: + It wasn't familiar at all! + With a whitening cheek + She started to speak, + But her peril she instantly saw:-- + Her Grandma had fled, + And she'd tackled instead + Four merciless Paws and a Maw! + When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue, + He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood's, too!) + + [Illustration: _This shows the bad wolf that came out of the wood, + And proved by his actions to be robbin' Hood._] + + At this terrible tale + Some readers will pale, + And others with horror grow dumb, + And yet it was better, + I fear, he should get her: + Just think what she might have become! + For an infant so keen + Might in future have been + A woman of awful renown, + Who carried on fights + For her feminine rights + As the Mare of an Arkansas town. + She might have continued the crime of her 'teens, + And come to write verse for the Big Magazines! + + [Illustration] + + + _The Moral_: There's nothing much glummer + Than children whose talents appall: + One much prefers those who are dumber, + But as for the paragons small, + If a swallow cannot make a summer + It can bring on a summary fall! + + [Illustration] + + + + + _How the Fatuous Wish of a Peasant Came True_ + + + An excellent peasant, + Of character pleasant, + Once lived in a hut with his wife. + He was cheerful and docile, + But such an old fossil + You wouldn't meet twice in your life. + His notions were all without reason or rhyme, + Such dullness in any one else were a crime, + But the folly pig-headed + To which he was wedded + Was so deep imbedded, + it touched the sublime! + + [Illustration] + + He frequently stated + Such quite antiquated + And singular doctrines as these: + _"Do good unto others! + All men are your brothers!"_ + (Of course he forgot the Chinese!) + He said that all men were made equal and free, + (That's true if they're born on _our_ side of the sea!) + That truth should be spoken, + And pledges unbroken: + (Now where, by that token, + would most of us be?) + + [Illustration] + + One day, as his pottage + He ate in his cottage, + A fairy stepped up to the door; + Upon it she hammered, + And meekly she stammered: + "A morsel of food I implore." + He gave her sardines, and a biscuit or two, + And she said in reply, when her luncheon was through, + "In return for these dishes + Of bread and of fishes + The first of your wishes + I'll make to come true!" + + That nincompoop peasant + Accepted the present, + (As most of us probably would,) + And, thinking her bounty + To turn to account, he + Said: "_Now_ I'll do somebody good! + I won't ask a thing for myself or my wife, + But I'll make all my neighbors with happiness rife. + Whate'er their conditions, + Henceforward, physicians + And indispositions + they're rid of for life!" + + [Illustration] + + These words energetic + The fairy's prophetic + Announcement brought instantly true: + With singular quickness + Each victim of sickness + Was made over, better than new, + And people who formerly thought they were doomed + With almost obstreperous healthiness bloomed, + And each had some platitude, + Teeming with gratitude, + For the new attitude + life had assumed. + + [Illustration] + + Our friend's satisfaction + Concerning his action + Was keen, but exceedingly brief. + The wrathful condition + Of every physician + In town was surpassing belief! + Professional nurses were plunged in despair, + And chemists shook passionate fists in the air: + They called at his dwelling, + With violence swelling, + His greeting repelling + with arrogant stare. + + [Illustration] + + They beat and they battered, + They slammed and they shattered, + And did him such serious harm, + That, after their labors, + His wife told the neighbors + They'd caused her excessive alarm! + They then set to work on his various ills, + And plied him with liniments, powders, and pills, + And charged him so dearly + That all of them nearly + Made double the yearly + amount of their bills. + + + _This Moral_ by the tale is taught:-- + The wish is father to the thought. + (We'd oftentimes escape the worst + If but the thinking part came first!) + + + + + How Hop O' My Thumb Got Rid of an Onus + + + [Illustration] + + A worthy couple, man and wife, + Dragged on a discontented life: + The reason, I should state, + That it was destitute of joys, + Was that they had a dozen boys + To feed and educate, + And nothing such patience demands + As having twelve boys on your hands! + + [Illustration] + + For twenty years they tried their best + To keep those urchins neatly dressed + And teach them to be good, + But so much labor it involved + That, in the end, they both resolved + To lose them in a wood, + Though nothing a parent annoys + Like heartlessly losing his boys! + + So when their sons had gone to bed, + Though bitter tears the couple shed, + They laid their little plan. + "_Faut b'en que ca s'fasse. Quand meme_," + The woman said, "_J'en suis tout' bleme._" + "_Ca colle!_" observed the man, + "_Mais ca coute, que ces gosses fichus! + B'en, quoi! Faut qu'i's soient perdus!_" + + (I've quite omitted to explain + That they were natives of Touraine; + I see I must translate.) + "Of course it must be done, and still," + The wife remarked, "it makes me ill." + "You bet!" replied her mate: + "But we've both of us counted the cost, + And the kids simply _have_ to be lost!" + + [Illustration] + + But, while they plotted, every word + The youngest of the urchins heard, + And winked the other eye; + His height was only two feet three. + (I might remark, in passing, he + Was little, but O My!) + He added: "I'd better keep mum." + (He was foxy, was Hop O' My Thumb!) + + [Illustration] + + They took the boys into the wood, + And lost them, as they said they should, + And came in silence back. + Alas for them! Hop O' My Thumb + At every step had dropped a crumb, + And so retraced the track. + While the parents sat mourning their fate + He led the boys in at the gate! + + He placed his hand upon his heart, + And said: "You think you're awful smart, + But I have foiled you thus!" + His parents humbly bent the knee, + And meekly said: "H. O. M. T., + You're one too much for us!" + And both of them solemnly swore + "We won't never do so no more!" + + [Illustration] + + + _The Moral_ is: While I do not + Endeavor to condone the plot, + I still maintain that one + Should have no chance of being foiled, + And having one's arrangements spoiled + By one's ingenious son. + If you turn down your children, with pain, + Take care they don't turn up again! + + + + + How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard Made Free with a Door + + + [Illustration] + + A maiden from the Bosphorus, + With eyes as bright as phosphorus, + Once wed the wealthy bailiff + Of the caliph + Of Kelat. + Though diligent and zealous, he + Became a slave to jealousy. + (Considering her beauty, + 'Twas his duty + To be that!) + + When business would necessitate + A journey, he would hesitate, + But, fearing to disgust her, + He would trust her + With his keys, + Remarking to her prayerfully: + "I beg you'll use them carefully. + Don't look what I deposit + In that closet, + If you please." + + It may be mentioned, casually, + That blue as lapis lazuli + He dyed his hair, his lashes, + His mustaches, + And his beard. + And, just because he did it, he + Aroused his wife's timidity: + Her terror she dissembled, + But she trembled + When he neared. + + [Illustration: _This shows how grim Blue-Beard, when bound on a bat, + Instructed his wife on the key of a flat!_] + + This feeling insalubrious + Soon made her most lugubrious, + And bitterly she missed her + Elder sister + Marie Anne: + She asked if she might write her to + Come down and spend a night or two, + Her husband answered rightly + And politely: + "Yes, you can!" + + Blue-Beard, the Monday following, + His jealous feeling swallowing, + Packed all his clothes together + In a leather- + Bound valise, + And, feigning reprehensibly, + He started out, ostensibly + By traveling to learn a + Bit of Smyrna + And of Greece. + + His wife made but a cursory + Inspection of the nursery; + The kitchen and the airy + Little dairy + Were a bore, + As well as big or scanty rooms, + And billiard, bath, and ante-rooms, + But not that interdicted + And restricted + Little door! + + [Illustration] + + For, all her curiosity + Awakened by the closet he + So carefully had hidden, + And forbidden + Her to see, + This damsel disobedient + Did something inexpedient, + And in the keyhole tiny + Turned the shiny + Little key: + + [Illustration] + + Then started back impulsively, + And shrieked aloud convulsively-- + Three heads of girls he'd wedded + And beheaded + Met her eye! + And turning round, much terrified, + Her darkest fears were verified, + For Blue-Beard stood behind her, + Come to find her + On the sly! + + [Illustration] + + Perceiving she was fated to + Be soon decapitated, too, + She telegraphed her brothers + And some others + What she feared. + And Sister Anne looked out for them, + In readiness to shout for them + Whenever in the distance + With assistance + They appeared. + + But only from her battlement + She saw some dust that cattle meant. + The ordinary story + Isn't gory, + But a jest. + But here's the truth unqualified. + The husband _wasn't_ mollified + Her head is in his bloody + Little study + With the rest! + + + _The Moral_: Wives, we must allow, + Who to their husbands will not bow, + A stern and dreadful lesson learn + When, as you've read, they're cut in turn. + + + + + How Rumplestilz Held Out in Vain for a Bonus + + + In Germany there lived an earl + Who had a charming niece: + And never gave the timid girl + A single moment's peace! + Whatever low and menial task + His fancy flitted through, + He did not hesitate to ask + That shrinking child to do. + (I see with truly honest shame you + Are blushing, and I do not blame you. + A tale like this the feelings softens, + And brings the tears, as does "Two Orphans.") + + [Illustration] + + She had to wash the windows, and + She had to scrub the floors, + She had to lend a willing hand + To fifty other chores: + She gave the dog his exercise, + She read the earl the news, + She ironed all his evening ties, + And polished all his shoes, + She cleaned the tins that filled the dairy, + She cut the claws of the canary, + And then, at night, with manner winsome, + When coal was wanted, carried in some! + + But though these tasks were quite enough, + He thought them all too few, + And so her uncle, rude and rough, + Invented something new. + He took her to a little room, + Her willingness to tax, + And pointed out a broken loom + And half a ton of flax, + Observing: "Spin six pairs of trousers!" + His haughty manner seemed to rouse hers. + She met his scornful glances proudly-- + + [Illustration] + + But when the earl went down the stair + She yielded to her fears. + Gave way at last to grim despair, + And melted into tears: + When suddenly, from out the wall, + As if he felt at home, + There pounced a singularly small + And much distorted gnome. + He smiled a smile extremely vapid, + And set to work in fashion rapid; + No time for resting he deducted, + And soon the trousers were constructed. + + [Illustration] + + The girl observed: "How very nice + To help me out this way!" + The gnome replied: "A certain price + Of course you'll have to pay. + I'll call to-morrow afternoon, + My due reward to claim, + And then you'll sing another tune + Unless you guess my name!" + He indicated with a gesture + The pile of newly fashioned vesture: + His eyes on hers a moment centered, + And then he went, as he had entered. + + [Illustration] + + As by this tale you have been grieved + And heartily distressed, + Kind sir, you will be much relieved + To know his name she guessed: + + But if I do not tell the same, + Pray count it not a crime:-- + I've tried my best, and for that name + I can't find any rhyme! + Yet spare me from remarks injurious: + I will not leave you foiled and furious. + If something must proclaim the answer, + And I cannot, the title can, sir! + + + _The Moral_ is: All said and done, + There's nothing new beneath the sun, + And many times before, a title + Was incapacity's requital! + + + + + How Jack Made the Giants Uncommonly Sore + + + Of all the ill-fated + Boys ever created + Young Jack was the wretchedest lad: + An emphatic, erratic, + Dogmatic fanatic + Was foisted upon him as dad! + From the time he could walk, + And before he could talk, + His wearisome training began, + On a highly barbarian, + Disciplinarian, + Nearly Tartarean + Plan! + + [Illustration] + + He taught him some Raleigh, + And some of Macaulay, + Till all of "Horatius" he knew, + And the drastic, sarcastic, + Fantastic, scholastic + Philippics of "Junius," too. + He made him learn lots + Of the poems of Watts, + And frequently said he ignored, + On principle, any son's + Title to benisons + Till he'd learned Tennyson's + "Maud." + + "For these are the giants + Of thought and of science," + He said in his positive way: + "So weigh them, obey them, + Display them, and lay them + To heart in your infancy's day!" + Jack made no reply, + But he said on the sly + An eloquent word, that had come + From a quite indefensible, + Most reprehensible, + But indispensable + Chum. + + By the time he was twenty + Jack had such a plenty + Of books and paternal advice, + Though seedy and needy, + Indeed he was greedy + For vengeance, whatever the price! + In the editor's seat + Of a critical sheet + He found the revenge that he sought; + And, with sterling appliance of + Mind, wrote defiance of + All of the giants of + Thought. + + He'd thunder and grumble + At high and at humble + Until he became, in a while, + Mordacious, pugnacious, + Rapacious. Good gracious! + They called him the Yankee Carlyle! + But he never took rest + On his quarrelsome quest + Of the giants, both mighty and small. + He slated, distorted them, + Hanged them and quartered them, + Till he had slaughtered them + All. + + + And this is _The Moral_ that lies in the verse: + If you have a go farther, you're apt to fare worse. + (When you turn it around it is different rather:-- + You're not apt to go worse if you have a fair father!) + + [Illustration] + + + + + How Rudeness and Kindness Were Justly Rewarded + + + Once on a time, long years ago + (Just when I quite forget), + Two maidens lived beside the Po, + One blonde and one brunette. + The blonde one's character was mild, + From morning until night she smiled, + Whereas the one whose hair was brown + Did little else than pine and frown. + (_I_ think one ought to draw the line + At girls who always frown and pine!) + + The blonde one learned to play the harp, + Like all accomplished dames, + And trained her voice to take _C_ sharp + As well as Emma Eames; + Made baskets out of scented grass, + And paper-weights of hammered brass, + And lots of other odds and ends + For gentleman and lady friends. + (_I_ think it takes a deal of sense + To manufacture gifts for gents!) + + The dark one wore an air of gloom, + Proclaimed the world a bore, + And took her breakfast in her room + Three mornings out of four. + With crankiness she seemed imbued, + And everything she said was rude: + She sniffed, and sneered, and, what is more, + When very much provoked, she swore! + (_I_ think that I could never care + For any girl who'd learned to swear!) + + One day the blonde was striding past + A forest, all alone, + When all at once her eyes she cast + Upon a wrinkled crone, + Who tottered near with shaking knees, + And said: "A penny, if you please!" + And you will learn with some surprise + This was a fairy in disguise! + (_I_ think it must be hard to know + A fairy who's incognito!) + + The maiden filled her trembling palms + With coinage of the realm. + The fairy said: "Take back your alms! + My heart they overwhelm. + Henceforth at every word shall slip + A pearl or ruby from your lip!" + And, when the girl got home that night,-- + She found the fairy's words were right! + (_I_ think there are not many girls + Whose words are worth their weight in pearls!) + + [Illustration] + + It happened that the cross brunette, + Ten minutes later, came + Along the self-same road, and met + That bent and wrinkled dame, + Who asked her humbly for a sou. + The girl replied: "Get out with you!" + The fairy cried: "Each word you drop, + A toad from out your mouth shall hop!" + (_I_ think that nothing incommodes + One's speech like uninvited toads!) + + And so it was, the cheerful blonde + Lived on in joy and bliss, + And grew pecunious, beyond + The dreams of avarice! + And to a nice young man was wed, + And I have often heard it said + No other man who ever walked + Most loved his wife when most she talked! + (_I_ think this very fact, forsooth, + Goes far to prove I tell the truth!) + + The cross brunette the fairy's joke + By hook or crook survived, + But still at every word she spoke + An ugly toad arrived, + Until at last she had to come + To feigning she was wholly dumb, + Whereat the suitors swarmed around, + And soon a wealthy mate she found. + (_I_ think nobody ever knew + The happier husband of the two!) + + + _The Moral_ of the tale is: Bah! + _Nous avons change tout cela._ + No clear idea I hope to strike + Of what _your_ nicest girl is like, + But she whose best young man _I_ am + Is not an oyster, nor a clam! + + [Illustration: _This shows why each suitor, who rode up to spark, + Would mark the toad maybe, but ne'er toed the mark._] + + + + + How Beauty Contrived to Get Square with the Beast + + + Miss Guinevere Platt + Was so beautiful that + She couldn't remember the day + When one of her swains + Hadn't taken the pains + To send her a mammoth bouquet. + And the postman had found, + On the whole of his round, + That no one received such a lot + Of bulky epistles + As, waiting his whistles, + The beautiful Guinevere got! + + [Illustration] + + A significant sign + That her charm was divine + Was seen in society, when + The chaperons sniffed + With their eyebrows alift: + "Whatever's got into the men?" + There was always a man + Who was holding her fan, + And twenty that danced in details, + And a couple of mourners, + Who brooded in corners, + And gnawed their mustaches and nails. + + John Jeremy Platt + Wouldn't stay in the flat, + For his beautiful daughter he missed: + When he'd taken his tub, + He would hie to his club, + And dally with poker or whist. + At the end of a year + It was perfectly clear + That he'd never computed the cost, + For he hadn't a penny + To settle the many + Ten thousands of dollars he'd lost! + + F. Ferdinand Fife + Was a student of life: + He was coarse, and excessively fat, + With a beard like a goat's, + But he held all the notes + Of ruined John Jeremy Platt! + With an adamant smile + That was brimming with guile, + He said: "I am took with the face + Of your beautiful daughter, + And wed me she ought ter, + To save you from utter disgrace!" + + Miss Guinevere Platt + Didn't hesitate at + Her duty's imperative call. + When they looked at the bride + All the chaperons cried: + "She isn't so bad, after all!" + Of the desolate men + There were something like ten + Who took up political lives, + And the flower of the flock + Went and fell off a dock, + And the rest married hideous wives! + + [Illustration] + + But the beautiful wife + Of F. Ferdinand Fife + Was the wildest that ever was known: + She'd grumble and glare, + Till the man didn't dare + To say that his soul was his own. + She sneered at his ills, + And quadrupled his bills, + And spent nearly twice what he earned; + Her husband deserted, + And frivoled, and flirted, + Till Ferdinand's reason was turned. + + [Illustration] + + He repented too late, + And his terrible fate + Upon him so heavily sat, + That he swore at the day + When he sat down to play + At cards with John Jeremy Platt. + He was dead in a year, + And the fair Guinevere + In society sparkled again, + While the chaperons fluttered + Their fans, as they muttered: + "She's getting exceedingly plain!" + + + _The Moral_: Predicaments often are found + That beautiful duty is apt to get round: + But greedy extortioners better beware + For dutiful beauty is apt to get square! + + [Illustration: _This shows how at poker one loses his pelf + When the other's a joker and knave in himself._] + + + + + How a Fair One no Hope to His Highness Accorded + + + She has slid down the channels + Of history's annals + Disguised as the child of a king, + But that is a glib + And iniquitous fib, + For she never was any such thing: + They called her the Fair One with Golden Locks, + And it's true she had lovers who swarmed in flocks, + But the rest is ironic; + Her business chronic + Was selling hair-tonic + By bottle and box! + + From the dawn till the gloaming + She used to sit combing + Her hair in a languorous way. + And her suitors would stop + To look into the shop, + And stand there the rest of the day. + She filled them with mute, but with deep despair, + For she never glanced up, with a smile, to where + They stood about, crushing + Each other, and blushing: + She simply kept brushing + Her beautiful hair. + + But a prince who was passing, + Engaged in amassing + Some facts on American life, + Was suddenly struck + By the fact that his luck + Might give him that girl for a wife! + His rashness he didn't attempt to excuse, + He entered the shop and he stated his views. + Remarking, + "My jewel, + I'm confident you will + Not wish to be cruel + Enough to refuse. + + [Illustration] + + "Most winsome of creatures," + He told her, "your features + Have led me to candidly say + That no other beside + Would I have for a bride: + We'll be married a week from to-day! + I belong to a long and a titled line, + And the least of your wishes I won't decline; + Next month I will usher + My wife into Russia:-- + Sweet comber and brusher, + Consider you're mine!" + + She looked at him squarely, + Considered him fairly, + Her glance was as keen as a knife, + Then she turned up her nose, + And, with icy repose, + She answered: "Well, not on your life! + You're not on the paper the only blot! + Do you think I come twelve in a parcel--what? + _Me_ pose as your dearie? + Oh, go and chase Peary! + You're making me weary. + Now git!" + + (He got!) + + [Illustration: _This shows how, with never a shadow of doubt, + When you go in for love you are apt to come out._] + + The crowd that had waited + Outside was elated + So much by the prince's mischance, + That they greeted with jeers + And ironical cheers, + The end of his little romance. + They said: "Did it hurt when the ground you hit?" + They searched for some mark where the prince had lit, + And as he looked colder, + They only grew bolder, + And tapped on his shoulder + With: "Tag! You're It!" + + The lengthy discussion + That sensitive Russian + Compiled on the U. S. A. + Was read by the maid, + As she carelessly played + With her beautiful hair one day. + "The talk you hear in that primitive land," + He wrote, "nobody can understand." + "Somebody who guffed him," + She said, "has stuffed him, + And easily bluffed him + To beat the band!" + + + _The Moral_: The people across the brine + Are exceedingly strong on Auld Lang Syne, + But they're lost in the push when they strike a gang + That is strong on American new line slang! + + [Illustration] + + + + + How Thomas a Maid from a Dragon Released + + + Though Philip the Second + Of France was reckoned + No coward, his breath came short + When they told him a dragon + As big as a wagon + Was waiting below in the court! + A dragon so long, and so wide, and so fat, + That he couldn't get in at the door to chat: + The king couldn't leave him + Outside and grieve him, + He had to receive him + Upon the mat, + + [Illustration] + + The dragon bowed nicely, + And very concisely + He stated the reason he'd called: + He made the disclosure + With frigid composure. + King Philip was simply appalled! + He demanded for eating, a fortnight apart, + The monarch's ten daughters, all dear to his heart. + "And now you'll produce," he + Concluded, "the juicy + And succulent Lucie + By way of start!" + + King Philip was pliant, + And far from defiant + --"And servile," no doubt you retort!-- + But if _you_ struck a snag on + A bottle-green dragon, + Who filled up two-thirds of your court, + And curled up his tail on your new tin roof, + And made your piazza groan under his hoof, + Would you threaten and thunder, + Or just knuckle under + Completely, I wonder, + If put to proof? + + [Illustration] + + By way of a truce, he + Brought out little Lucie + And watched her conducted away, + But all of the others + Were out with their brothers! + Thus gaining a little delay, + He promised through heralds sent west and east, + His crown, and his kingdom, and last, not least, + His daughter so sightly + To any one knightly + Who'd come and politely + Wipe out that beast! + + For love of the charmer, + Arrayed in his armor, + Each suitor for glory who yearned, + Would gallantly hasten, + The dragon to chasten, + But none of them ever returned! + When the dragon had eaten some sixteen score + He hung up this sign on his cavern door, + Whereat he lay pronely + In majesty lonely: + + +------------------------------+ + |_There's Standing Room Only | + | For Three Knights More!_| + +------------------------------+ + + A slim adolescent, + His beard only crescent, + Rode up at this stage of the game + To where the old sinner + Lay gorged with his dinner, + And breathing out torrents of flame. + He gathered a tip from the flaunting sign, + And took his position the fourth in line, + Until, as foreboded, + By food incommoded, + The dragon exploded + At half-past nine. + + [Illustration: _This shows how a servant may laugh at the Fates, + Since everything comes to the fellow who waits._] + + The king was delighted + At first when he sighted + The victor, but then in dismay + Regretted his promise. + The stripling was Thomas, + His Majesty's _valet-de-pied_! + He asked him at once: "Will you compromise?" + But Thomas looked straight in his master's eyes, + And answered severely: + "I see your game clearly, + And scorn it sincerely. + Hand out the prize!" + + Not long did he linger + Before on the finger + Of Lucie he fitted a ring: + A month or two later + They made him dictator, + In place of the elderly king: + He was lauded by pulpit, and boomed by press, + And no one had ever a chance to guess, + Beholding this hero + Who ruled like a Nero, + His valor was zero, + Or something less. + + + _The Moral:_ And still from Nice to Calais + Discretion's the better part of-- + --_valets!_ + + + + + _How a Beauty was Waked and Her Suitor was Suited_ + + + Albeit wholly penniless, + Prince Charming wasn't any less + Conceited than a Croesus or a modern millionaire: + Though often in necessity, + No one would ever guess it. He + Was candidly insolvent, and he frankly didn't care! + Of the many debts he made + Not a one was ever paid, + But no one ever pressed him to refund the borrowed gold: + While he recklessly kept spending, + People gladly kept on lending, + For the fact they knew a title + Was requital + Twenty-fold! + (He lived in sixteen sixty-three, + This smooth unblushing article, + Since when, as far as I can see, + Men haven't changed a particle!) + + In Charming's principality + There was a wild locality, + Composed of sombre forest, and of steep and frowning crags, + Of pheasant and of rabbit, too; + And here it was his habit to + Go hunting with his courtiers in the keen pursuit of stags. + But the charger that he rode + So mercurially strode + That the prince on one occasion left the others in the lurch, + And the falling darkness found him, + With no vassals left around him, + Near a building like an abbey, + Or a shabby + Ruined church. + His Highness said: "I'll ring the bell + And stay till morning in it!" (He + Took Hobson's choice, for no hotel + There was in the vicinity.) + + His ringing was so vehement + That any one could see he meant + To suffer no refusal, but, in spite of all the din, + There was no answer audible, + And so, with courage laudable, + His Royal Highness turned the knob, and stoutly entered in. + Then he strode across the court, + But he suddenly stopped short + When he passed within the castle by a massive oaken door: + There were courtiers without number, + But they all were plunged in slumber, + The prince's ear delighting + By uniting + In a snore. + The prince remarked: "This must be Philadelphia, + Pennsylvania!" + (And so was born the jest that's still + The comic journal's mania!) + + [Illustration: _This shows how the prince won the princess's heart, + And the end of her sleeping was simply a start._] + + With torpor reprehensible, + Numb, comatose, insensible, + The flunkeys and the chamberlains all slumbered like the dead, + And snored so loud and mournfully, + That Charming passed them scornfully + And came to where a princess lay asleep upon a bed. + She was so extremely fair + That His Highness didn't care + For the risk, and so he kissed her ere a single word he spoke:-- + In a jiffy maids and pages, + Ushers, lackeys, squires, and sages, + As fresh as if they'd been at least + A week awake, + Awoke, + And hastened, bustled, dashed and ran + Up stairways and through galleries: + In brief, they one and all began + Again to earn their salaries! + + [Illustration] + + Aroused from her paralysis, + As if in deep analysis + Of him who had awakened her, the princess met his eye: + Her glance at first was critical, + And sternly analytical. + And then she dropped her lashes and she gave a little sigh. + As he watched her, wholly dumb, + She observed: "You doubtless come + For one of two good reasons, and I'm going to ask you which. + Do you mean my house to harry, + Or do you propose to marry?" + He answered: "I may rue it, + But I'll do it, + If you're rich!" + The princess murmured with a smile: + "I've millions, at the least, to come!" + The prince cried: "Please excuse me, while + I go and get the priest to come!" + + [Illustration] + + + _The Moral_: When affairs go ill + The sleeping partner foots the bill. + + + + + _How Jack Found that Beans May go Back on a Chap_ + + + Without the slightest basis + For hypochondriasis + A widow had forebodings which a cloud around her flung, + And with expression cynical + For half the day a clinical + Thermometer she held beneath her tongue. + + Whene'er she read the papers + She suffered from the vapors, + At every tale of malady or accident she'd groan; + In every new and smart disease, + From housemaid's knee to heart disease, + She recognized the symptoms as her own! + + She had a yearning chronic + To try each novel tonic, + Elixir, panacea, lotion, opiate, and balm; + And from a homoeopathist + Would change to an hydropathist, + And back again, with stupefying calm! + + [Illustration] + + The closets of her villa + Were full of sarsaparilla, + Ammonia, digitalis, bronchial troches, soda mint. + Restoratives hirsutical, + And soaps to clean the cuticle, + And iodine, and peptonoids, and lint. + + She was nervous, cataleptic, + And anemic, and dyspeptic: + Though not convinced of apoplexy, yet she had her fears. + She dwelt with force fanatical + Upon a twinge rheumatical, + And said she had a buzzing in her ears! + + Now all of this bemoaning + And this grumbling and this groaning + The mind of Jack, her son and heir, unconscionably bored. + His heart completely hardening, + He gave his time to gardening, + For raising beans was something he adored. + + [Illustration] + + Each hour in accents morbid + This limp maternal bore bid + Her callous son affectionate and lachrymose good-bys. + She never granted Jack a day + Without some long "Alackaday!" + Accompanied by rolling of the eyes. + + But Jack, no panic showing, + Just watched his beanstalk growing, + And twined with tender fingers the tendrils up the pole. + At all her words funereal + He smiled a smile ethereal, + Or sighed an absent-minded "Bless my soul!" + + That hollow-hearted creature + Would never change a feature: + No tear bedimmed his eye, however touching was her talk. + She never fussed or flurried him, + The only thing that worried him + Was when no bean-pods grew upon the stalk! + + But then he wabbled loosely + His head, and wept profusely, + And, taking out his handkerchief to mop away his tears, + Exclaimed: "It hasn't got any!" + He found this blow to botany + Was sadder than were all his mother's fears. + + + _The Moral_ is that gardeners pine + Whene'er no pods adorn the vine. + Of all sad words experience gleans + The saddest are: "It _might_ have beans." + (I did not make this up myself: + 'Twas in a book upon my shelf. + It's witty, but I don't deny + It's rather Whittier than I!) + + [Illustration] + + + + + _How a Cat Was Annoyed and a Poet Was Booted_ + + + A poet had a cat. + There is nothing odd in that-- + (I _might_ make a little pun about the _Mews_!) + But what is really more + Remarkable, she wore + A pair of pointed patent-leather shoes. + And I doubt me greatly whether + E'er you heard the like of that: + Pointed shoes of patent-leather + On a cat! + + [Illustration] + + His time he used to pass + Writing sonnets, on the grass-- + (I _might_ say something good on _pen_ and _sward_!) + While the cat sat near at hand, + Trying hard to understand + The poems he occasionally roared. + (I myself possess a feline, + But when poetry I roar + He is sure to make a bee-line + For the door.) + + The poet, cent by cent, + All his patrimony spent-- + (I _might_ tell how he went from _werse_ to _werse_!) + Till the cat was sure she could, + By advising, do him good + So addressed him in a manner that was terse: + "We are bound toward the scuppers, + And the time has come to act, + Or we'll both be on our uppers + For a fact!" + + On her boot she fixed her eye, + But the boot made no reply-- + (I _might_ say: "Couldn't speak to save _its sole_!") + And the foolish bard, instead + Of responding, only read + A verse that wasn't bad upon the whole: + And it pleased the cat so greatly, + Though she knew not what it meant, + That I'll quote approximately + How it went:-- + + "If I should live to be + The last leaf upon the tree"-- + (I _might_ put in: "I think I'd just as _leaf_!") + "Let them smile, as I do now, + At the old forsaken bough"-- + Well, he'd plagiarized it bodily, in brief! + But that cat of simple breeding + Couldn't read the lines between, + So she took it to a leading + Magazine. + + [Illustration] + + She was jarred and very sore + When they showed her to the door. + (I _might_ hit off the _door_ that was _a jar_!) + To the spot she swift returned + Where the poet sighed and yearned, + And she told him that he'd gone a little far. + "Your performance with this rhyme has + Made me absolutely sick," + She remarked. "I think the time has + Come to kick!" + + [Illustration] + + I could fill up half the page + With descriptions of her rage-- + (I _might_ say that she went a bit _too fur_!) + When he smiled and murmured: "Shoo!" + "There is one thing I can do!" + She answered with a wrathful kind of purr. + "You may shoo me, and it suit you, + But I feel my conscience bid + Me, as tit for tat, to boot you!" + (Which she did.) + + [Illustration] + + + _The Moral_ of the plot + (Though I say it, as should not!) + Is: An editor is difficult to suit. + But again there're other times + When the man who fashions rhymes + Is a rascal, and a bully one to boot! + + + + + _How Much Fortunatus Could Do with a Cap_ + + + Fortunatus, a fisherman Dane, + Set out on a sudden for Spain, + Because, runs the story, + He'd met with a hoary + Mysterious sorcerer chap, + Who, trouble to save him, + Most thoughtfully gave him + A magical traveling cap. + I barely believe that the story is true, + But here's what that cap was reported to do. + + [Illustration] + + Suppose you were sitting at home, + And you wished to see Paris or Rome, + You'd pick up that bonnet, + You'd carefully don it, + The name of the city you'd call, + And the very next minute + By Jove, you were in it, + Without having started at all! + One moment you sauntered on upper Broadway, + And the next on the Corso or rue de la Paix! + + [Illustration: _This shows Fortunatus, a restlessness feeling, + Forsaking his fishing, and leaving his ceiling._] + + Why, it beat every journey of Cook's, + Knocked spots out of Baedeker's books! + He stepped from his doorway + Direct into Norway, + He hopped in a trice to Ceylon, + He saw Madagascar, + Went round by Alaska, + And called on a girl in Luzon: + If they said she'd be down in a moment or two, + He took, while he waited, a peek at Peru! + + He could wake up at eight in Siam, + Take his tub, if he wanted, in Guam. + Eat breakfast in Kansas, + And lunch in Matanzas, + Go out for a walk in Brazil, + Take tea in Madeira, + Dine on the Riviera, + And smoke his cigar in Seville, + Go out to the theatre in Vladivostok, + And retire in New York at eleven o'clock! + + [Illustration] + + Every tongue he could readily speak: + French, German, Italian, Greek, + Norwegian, Bulgarian, + Turkish, Bavarian, + Japanese, Hindustanee, + Russian and Mexican! + He was a lexicon, + Such as you seldom will see. + His knowledge linguistic gave Ollendorff fits, + And brought a hot flush to the face of Berlitz! + + He would bow in an intimate way + To Menelik and to Loubet, + He was frequently beckoned, + By William the Second, + A word of advice to receive, + He talked with bravado + About the Mikado, + King Oscar, Oom Paul, the Khedive, + King Victor Emmanuel Second, the Shah, + King Edward the Seventh, Kwang Su, and the Czar! + + [Illustration] + + But what did he get from it all? + His wife used to wait in the hall! + When this wandering mortal + Set foot on the portal, + She always appeared on the scene, + And, far from ideally, + Remarked: "Well, I _really_ + Would like to know where you have been!" + Now what is the good of a wandering life, + If you have to tell all that you do to your wife? + + [Illustration] + + She'd indulge in a copious cry, + She'd remark she'd undoubtedly die, + Or, like many another, + Go back to her mother, + And what would the world think of _that_? + She only grew pleasant, + When offered a present + Of gloves or a gown or a hat: + And more than his talisman saved him in fare + Fortunatus expended in putting things square! + + + And _The Moral_ is easily said: + Like our hero, you're certain to find, + When such a cap goes on a head, + Retribution will follow behind! + + + + + _How a Princess Was Wooed from Habitual Sadness_ + + + In days of old the King of Saxe + Had singular opinions, + For with a weighty battle-axe + He brutalized his minions, + And, when he'd nothing to employ + His mind, he chose a village, + And with an air of savage joy + Delivered it to pillage. + + But what aroused within his breast + A rage well-nigh primeval + Was, most of all, his daughter, dressed + In fashion mediaeval: + The gowns that pleased this maiden's eye + Were simple as Utopia, + And for a hat she had a high + Inverted cornucopia. + + In all her life she'd never smiled, + Her sadness was abysmal: + The boisterous monarch found his child + Unutterably dismal. + He therefore said the prince who made + Her laughter from its shell come, + Besides in ducats being paid, + Might wed the girl, and welcome! + + I ought to say, ere I forget, + She was uncommon comely-- + (Who ever read a Grimm tale yet, + In which the girl was homely?) + And so the King's announcement drew + Nine princes in a column. + But all in vain. The princess grew, + If anything, more solemn. + + [Illustration] + + One read her "Innocents Abroad," + The next wore clothes eccentric, + The third one swallowed half his sword, + As in the circus-tent trick. + Thus eight of them into her cool + Reserve but deeper shoved her: + There was but one authentic fool-- + The prince who really loved her! + + [Illustration] + + He'd alternate between the height + Of hope and deep abasement, + He caught distressing colds at night, + By watching 'neath her casement: + He did what I have done, I know, + And you, I do not doubt it,-- + Instead of bottling up his woe, + He bored his friends about it! + + In brooding on the ways of Fate + Long hours he daily wasted, + His food remained upon his plate, + 'Twas scarcely touched or tasted: + He said the bitter things of love, + All lovers, save a few, say, + And learned by heart the verses of + Swinburne, and A. de Musset! + + [Illustration] + + This attitude his wished-for bride + To silent laughter goaded, + Until he talked of suicide, + And then the girl exploded! + "You make me laugh, and so," she said, + "I'll marry you next season." + (Not half the people who are wed + Have half so good a reason!) + + + _The Moral_: The deliberate clown + Can never beat love's barriers down: + 'Tis better to be like the owl, + Comic because so grave a fowl. + From him we well may take our cue-- + By him be taught, to wit, to woo! + + + + + _How a Girl was too Reckless of Grammar by Far_ + + + Matilda Maud Mackenzie frankly hadn't any chin, + Her hands were rough, her feet she turned invariably in; + Her general form was German, + By which I mean that you + Her waist could not determine + To within a foot or two: + And not only did she stammer, + But she used the kind of grammar + That is called, for sake of euphony, askew. + + From what I say about her, don't imagine I desire + A prejudice against this worthy creature to inspire. + She was willing, she was active, + She was sober, she was kind, + But she _never_ looked attractive + And she _hadn't_ any mind! + I knew her more than slightly, + And I treated her politely + When I met her, but of course I wasn't blind! + + Matilda Maud Mackenzie had a habit that was droll, + She spent her morning seated on a rock or on a knoll, + And threw with much composure + A smallish rubber ball + At an inoffensive osier + By a little waterfall; + But Matilda's way of throwing + Was like other people's mowing, + And she never hit the willow-tree at all! + + [Illustration: _This serves in the easiest way to explain + What is meant by taking an aim in vain._] + + One day as Miss Mackenzie with uncommon ardor tried + To hit the mark, the missile flew exceptionally wide, + And, before her eyes astounded, + On a fallen maple's trunk + Ricochetted, and rebounded + In the rivulet, and sunk! + Matilda, greatly frightened, + In her grammar unenlightened, + Remarked: "Well now I ast yer! Who'd 'er thunk?" + + But what a marvel followed! From the pool at once there rose + A frog, the sphere of rubber balanced deftly on his nose. + He beheld her fright and frenzy, + And, her panic to dispel, + On his knee by Miss Mackenzie + He obsequiously fell. + With quite as much decorum + As a speaker in a forum + He started in his history to tell. + + [Illustration] + + "Fair maid," he said, "I beg you, do not hesitate or wince, + If you'll promise that you'll wed me, I'll at once become a prince; + For a fairy old and vicious + An enchantment round me spun!" + Then he looked up, unsuspicious, + And he saw what he had won, + And in terms of sad reproach he + Made some comments, _sotto voce_,* + + * (Which the publishers have bidden me to shun!) + + Matilda Maud Mackenzie said, as if she meant to scold: + "I _never_! Why, you forward thing! Now ain't you awful bold!" + Just a glance he paused to give her, + And his head was seen to clutch, + Then he darted to the river, + And he dived to beat the Dutch! + While the wrathful maiden panted: + "I don't think he was enchanted!" + (And he really didn't look it overmuch!) + + [Illustration] + + + _The Moral_: In one's language one conservative should be: + Speech is silver, and it never should be free! + + + + + [Illustration] + + _How the Peaceful Aladdin Gave Way to His Madness_ + + + His name was Aladdin. + The clothes he was clad in + Proclaimed him an Arab at sight, + And he had for a chum + An uncommonly rum + Old afreet, six cubits in height. + This person infernal, + Who seemed so fraternal, + At bottom was frankly a scamp: + His future to sadden, + He gave to Aladdin + A wonderful magical lamp. + + A marvel he dubbed it. + He said if one rubbed it + One's wishes were done on the spot. + Now what would you do + Were it offered to you? + Refuse it undoubtedly (not)! + It's thus comprehensive + With pleasure extensive + Aladdin accepted the gift, + And, by it befriended, + Erected a splendid + Chateau, with a bath and a lift! + + Not dreaming of malice, + One year in his palace + He led a luxurious life, + Till his genius dread + Put it into his head + That he needed a beautiful wife. + Responding to friction, + The lamp this affliction + At once for Aladdin secured; + The latter, delighted, + Imagined he sighted + A future of quiet assured. + + When gladly he chose her, + He didn't suppose her + A philatelist, always agape + For novelties, yet + She had all of the set + Of triangular stamps of the Cape. + Some people malicious + Proclaimed her Mauritius + One-penny vermilion a sell. + But that was all rot. It + Was true she had got it, + And the tuppenny blue one as well! + + Since thus she collected, + As might be expected, + She didn't for _bric-a-brac_ care, + So she traded the lamp + For an Ecuador stamp + That somebody told her was rare! + This act served to madden + The mind of Aladdin, + But, 'spite of his impotent wrath, + His manor-house vanished, + To nothingness banished, + And while he was taking a bath! + + [Illustration] + + The average Arab + Is hard as a scarab + When some one has wounded his pride, + So he jumped up and down, + With a cynical frown, + On the _face_ of his beautiful bride! + He had picked up a cargo + Of curious _argot_ + While living in Paris the gay; + In the slang of that city + He cried without pity: + _"Comme ca tu me fich'ras la paix!"_ + + [Illustration] + + + _The Moral:_ When stamps you're adept on + Of risks you are reckless, and yet + Beware! If your face is once stepped on, + That's the last stamp you're likely to get! + + + + + _How a Fisherman Corked up His Foe in a Jar_ + + + A fisherman lived on the shore, + (It's a habit that fishers affect,) + And his life was a hideous bore: + He had nothing to do but collect + Continual harvests of seaweed and shells, + Which he stuck upon photograph frames, + To sell to the guests in the summer hotels + With the quite inappropriate names! + + [Illustration] + + He would wander along by the edge + Of the sea, and I know for a fact + From the pools with a portable dredge + He would curious creatures extract: + And, during the season, he always took lots + Of tourists out fishing for bass, + And showed them politely impossible spots, + In the culpable way of his class. + + [Illustration] + + It happened one day, as afar + He roved on the glistening strand, + That he chanced on a curious jar, + Which lay on a hummock of sand. + It was closed at the mouth with a cork and a seal, + And over the top there was tied + A cloth, and the fisherman couldn't but feel + That he ought to see what was inside. + + [Illustration: _This shows us the fisher beginning to blow + Of preserving himself while he pickled his foe._] + + But what were his fear and surprise + When the stopper he held in his hand! + For a genie of singular size + Appeared in a trice on the sand, + Who said in the roughest and rudest of tones: + "A monster you've foolishly freed! + I shall simply make way with you, body and bones, + And that with phenomenal speed!" + + The fisherman looked in his face, + And answered him boldly: "My friend, + How you ever were packed in that space + Is something I don't comprehend. + Pray do me the favor to show me how you + Can do it, as large as you are." + The genie retorted: "That's just what I'll do!" + And promptly reentered the jar. + + The fisherman corked him up tight: + The genie protested and raved, + But for all he accomplished, he might + As well all his shouting have saved. + And, whenever a generous bonus is paid, + The fisherman willingly tells + The singular tale of this trick that he played, + To the guests in the summer hotels. + + + _The Moral_: When fortune you strike, + And you've slipped through a dangerous crack, + Get as forward as ever you like, + But never, oh, _never_ get back! + + + + + _Envoi_ + + Now don't go and say you'd a dim + Idea of these stories before, + For I've frankly confessed them from Grimm, + The monarch of magical lore: + + And if, by repeating, I took + Your time, I will candidly vow + _This_ moral (the last in the book) + Has never been published till now! + + + _The Moral_: The skeleton's Grimm, + But I have supplied the apparel, + So it's fifty per cent, of it Him, + And it's fifty per cent. of it Carryl. + But still (from the personal severing, + For it isn't my nature to grump,) + I acknowledge a measure of Levering + Levering-ed the whole of the lump! + + [Illustration] + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Grimm Tales Made Gay, by Guy Wetmore Carryl + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRIMM TALES MADE GAY *** + +***** This file should be named 23024.txt or 23024.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/3/0/2/23024/ + +Produced by David Edwards, Jacqueline Jeremy and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |