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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Grimm Tales Made Gay + +Author: Guy Wetmore Carryl + +Illustrator: Albert Levering + +Release Date: October 13, 2007 [EBook #23024] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRIMM TALES MADE GAY *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards, Jacqueline Jeremy and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div id="main"> + +<hr class="hr1" /> + + +<h1><span class="title">GRIMM TALES<br /> +MADE GAY</span><br /> +<small>By</small> <span class="smcap">Guy Wetmore Carryl</span><br /><br /> +<small>With</small> GAY PICTURES<br /> +<small>By</small> <span class="smcap">Albert Levering</span> +</h1> + +<div class="figcenter t b"> +<img src="images/i-001.png" width="600" height="717" alt="Cover" title="" /> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter t"> +<img src="images/i-002.png" width="400" height="654" alt="" title="" /> +</div> +<div class="caption four2"> +<div>This shows the sword that Blue-Beard used full sore,</div> +<div>After he’d led his young wife to a door.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter t"> +<img src="images/i-003.png" width="600" height="705" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<h2>GRIMM TALES<br /> +MADE GAY<br /> +<small>By</small> <span class="smcap">Guy Wetmore Carryl</span><br /><br /> + +<span class="smcap">author of</span><br /> +<small><span class="smcap">this …… and many …… other …… things!</span></small><br /><br /> + +PICTURES BY<br /> +ALBERT LEVERING<br /><br /> + +<span class="smcap">artist of</span><br /> +<small><span class="smcap">that …… the other …… and this</span></small><br /><br /> + +<span class="smcap">boston <small>&</small> new york</span><br /> +<small><span class="smcap">houghton, mifflin & co.</span></small></h2> + + + +<div class="figcenter t"> +<img src="images/i-004.png" width="500" height="592" alt="Copyright" title="" /> +</div> + +<h4>COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY GUY<br /> +WETMORE CARRYL AND<br /> +ALBERT LEVERING<br /> +ALL RIGHTS RESERVED<br /><br /> +<em>Published in October, 1902</em></h4> + + +<div class="figcenter t"> +<img src="images/i-005.png" width="500" height="592" alt="Dedication" title="" /> +</div> + +<h4>TO<br /> +CHARLES<br /> +WALTON<br /> +OGDEN</h4> + + +<hr /> + + +<h2>NOTE</h2> + +<div class="note"> +<p class="note">I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission of the +editors to reprint in this form such of these verses as were +originally published in Harper’s Magazine, The Century, Life, The +Smart Set, The Saturday Evening Post, The Home Magazine, and the +London Tatler.</p> +<p class="note1">G. W. C.</p> +</div> + + +<div class="figright b"> +<img src="images/i-007.png" width="300" height="319" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<img src="images/i-009.png" width="600" height="698" alt="Contents" title="" /> +</div> + +<h2 class="head"><a name="contents" id="contents"></a>The Contents</h2> + +<div class="contents"> +<div class="a"><a href="#beaten">How the Babes in the Wood Showed They Couldn’t be Beaten</a></div> + +<div class="b"><a href="#shoe">How Fair Cinderella Disposed of Her Shoe</a></div> + +<div class="a"><a href="#eaten">How Little Red Riding Hood Came to be Eaten</a></div> + +<div class="b"><a href="#true">How the Fatuous Wish of a Peasant Came True</a></div> + +<div class="a"><a href="#onus">How Hop O’ My Thumb Got Rid of an Onus</a></div> + +<div class="b"><a href="#door">How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard Made Free with a Door</a></div> + +<div class="a"><a href="#bonus">How Rumplestilz Held Out in Vain for a Bonus</a></div> + +<div class="b"><a href="#sore">How Jack Made the Giants Uncommonly Sore</a></div> + +<div class="a"><a href="#rewarded">How Rudeness and Kindness Were Justly Rewarded</a></div> + +<div class="b"><a href="#beast">How Beauty Contrived to Get Square with the Beast</a></div> + +<div class="a"><a href="#accorded">How a Fair One no Hope to His Highness Accorded</a></div> + +<div class="b"><a href="#released">How Thomas a Maid from a Dragon Released</a></div> + +<div class="a"><a href="#suited">How a Beauty was Waked and Her Suitor was Suited</a></div> + +<div class="b"><a href="#chap">How Jack Found that Beans May go Back on a Chap</a></div> + +<div class="a"><a href="#booted">How a Cat Was Annoyed and a Poet Was Booted</a></div> + +<div class="b"><a href="#cap">How Much Fortunatus Could Do with a Cap</a></div> + +<div class="a"><a href="#sadness">How a Princess Was Wooed from Habitual Sadness</a></div> + +<div class="b"><a href="#far">How a Girl was too Reckless of Grammar by Far</a></div> + +<div class="a"><a href="#madness">How the Peaceful Aladdin Gave Way to His Madness</a></div> + +<div class="b"><a href="#jar">How a Fisherman Corked up His Foe in a Jar</a></div> + +<div class="a"><a href="#envoi">Envoi</a></div> +</div> + + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span><a name="beaten" id="beaten"></a>How the Babes in the Wood<br />Showed They Couldn’t be<br />Beaten</h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figleft b"> +<img src="images/i-013.png" width="300" height="274" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flright t"> +<div>A man of kind and noble mind</div> +<div class="i1">Was H. Gustavus Hyde.</div> +<div>’Twould be amiss to add to this</div> +<div class="i1">At present, for he died,</div> +<div>In full possession of his senses,</div> +<div>The day before my tale commences.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>One half his gold his four-year-old</div> +<div class="i1">Son Paul was known to win,</div> +<div>And Beatrix, whose age was six,</div> +<div class="i1">For all the rest came in,</div> +<div>Perceiving which, their Uncle Ben did</div> +<div>A thing that people said was splendid.</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> +For by the hand he took them, and</div> +<div class="i1">Remarked in accents smooth:</div> +<div class="o">“One thing I ask. Be mine the task</div> +<div class="i1">These stricken babes to soothe!</div> +<div>My country home is really charming:</div> +<div>I’ll teach them all the joys of farming.”</div> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/i-014.png" width="500" height="498" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flright b"> +<div>One halcyon week they fished his creek,</div> +<div class="i1">And watched him do the chores,</div> +<div>In haylofts hid, and, shouting, slid</div> +<div class="i1">Down sloping cellar doors:—</div> +<div>Because this life to bliss was equal</div> +<div>The more distressing is the sequel.</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span> +Concealing guile beneath a smile,</div> +<div class="i1">He took them to a wood,</div> +<div>And, with severe and most austere</div> +<div class="i1">Injunctions to be good,</div> +<div>He left them seated on a gateway,</div> +<div>And took his own departure straightway.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter b"> +<img src="images/i-015.png" width="500" height="312" alt="The Wood" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b b"> +<div>Though much afraid, the children stayed</div> +<div class="i1">From ten till nearly eight;</div> +<div>At times they wept, at times they slept,</div> +<div class="i1">But never left the gate:</div> +<div>Until the swift suspicion crossed them</div> +<div>That Uncle Benjamin had lost them.</div> +</div> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-016.png" width="300" height="528" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flright"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> +Then, quite unnerved, young Paul observed:</div> +<div class="i1">“It’s like a dreadful dream,</div> +<div>And Uncle Ben has fallen ten</div> +<div class="i1">Per cent. in my esteem.</div> +<div>Not only did he first usurp us,</div> +<div>But now he’s left us here on purpose!”</div> + +<div class="aspace">*****</div> + +<div>For countless years their childish fears</div> +<div class="i1">Have made the reader pale,</div> +<div>For countless years the public’s tears</div> +<div class="i1">Have started at the tale,</div> +<div>For countless years much detestation</div> +<div>Has been expressed for their relation.</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>So draw a veil across the dale</div> +<div class="i1">Where stood that ghastly gate.</div> +<div>No need to tell. You know full well</div> +<div class="i1">What was their touching fate,</div> +<div>And how with leaves each little dead breast</div> +<div>Was covered by a Robin Redbreast!</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>But when they found them on the ground,</div> +<div class="i1">Although their life had ceased,</div> +<div>Quite near to Paul there lay a small</div> +<div class="i1">White paper, neatly creased.</div> +<div class="o">“<em>Because of lack of any merit,</em></div> +<div><em>B. Hyde</em>,” it ran, “<em>we disinherit</em>!”</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><em>The Moral</em>: If you deeply long</div> +<div>To punish one who’s done you wrong,</div> +<div>Though in your lifetime fail you may,</div> +<div>Where there’s a will, there is a way!</div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + + +<hr /> + + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span><a name="shoe" id="shoe"></a><em>How Fair Cinderella Disposed<br />of Her Shoe</em></h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w"> +<div>The vainest girls in forty states</div> +<div>Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates;</div> +<div>They warbled, slightly off the air,</div> +<div class="i1">Romantic German songs,</div> +<div>And each of them upon her hair</div> +<div class="i1">Employed the curling tongs,</div> +<div>And each with ardor most intense</div> +<div class="i1">Her buxom figure laced,</div> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"> +<img src="images/i-017.png" width="700" height="191" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>Until her wilful want of sense</div> +<div class="i1">Procured a woeful waist:</div> +<div>For bound to marry titled mates</div> +<div>Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> +Yet, truth to tell, the swains were few</div> +<div>Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).</div> +<div>So morning, afternoon, and night</div> +<div class="i1">Upon their sister they</div> +<div>Were wont to vent their selfish spite,</div> +<div class="i1">And in the rudest way:</div> +<div>For though her name was Leonore,</div> +<div class="i1">That’s neither there nor here,</div> +<div>They called her Cinderella, for</div> +<div class="i1">The kitchen was her sphere,</div> +<div>Save when the hair she had to do</div> +<div>Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).</div> +</div> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-018.png" width="300" height="293" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft b"> +<div>Each night to dances and to <em>fêtes</em></div> +<div>Went Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates,</div> +<div>And Cinderella watched them go</div> +<div class="i1">In silks and satins clad:</div> +<div>A prince invited them, and so</div> +<div class="i1">They put on all they had!</div> +<div>But one fine night, as all alone</div> +<div class="i1">She watched the flames leap higher,</div> +<div>A small and stooping fairy crone</div> +<div class="i1">Stept nimbly from the fire.</div> +<div>Said she: “The pride upon me grates</div> +<div>Of Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.”</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div class="o">“I’ll now,” she added, with a frown,</div> +<div class="o">“Call Gwendolyn and Gladys down!”</div> +<div>And, ere your fingers you could snap,</div> +<div class="i1">There stood before the door</div> +<div>No paltry hired horse and trap,</div> +<div class="i1">Oh, no!—a coach and four!</div> +<div>And Cinderella, fitted out</div> +<div class="i1">Regardless of expense,</div> +<div>Made both her sisters look about</div> +<div class="i1">Like thirty-seven cents!</div> +<div>The prince, with one look at her gown,</div> +<div>Turned Gwendolyn and Gladys down!</div> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/i-019.png" width="600" height="383" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> +Wall-flowers, when thus compared with her,</div> +<div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.</div> +<div>The prince but gave them glances hard,</div> +<div class="i1">No gracious word he said;</div> +<div>He scratched their names from off his card,</div> +<div class="i1">And wrote hers down instead:</div> +<div>And where he would bestow his hand</div> +<div class="i1">He showed them in a trice</div> +<div>By handing her the kisses, and</div> +<div class="i1">To each of them an ice!</div> +<div>In sudden need of fire and fur</div> +<div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-020a.png" width="300" height="324" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flright b"> +<div>At ten o’clock, in discontent,</div> +<div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.</div> +<div>Their sister stayed till after two,</div> +<div class="i1">And, with a joy sincere,</div> +<div>The prince obtained her crystal shoe</div> +<div class="i1">By way of souvenir.</div> +<div class="o">“Upon the bridal path,” he cried,</div> +<div class="i1">“We’ll reign together! Since</div> +<div>I love you, you must be my bride!”</div> +<div class="i1">(He was no slouch, that prince!)</div> +<div>And into sudden languishment</div> +<div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft t b w"> +<div><em>The Moral</em>: All the girls on earth</div> +<div>Exaggerate their proper worth.</div> +<div>They think the very shoes they wear</div> +<div>Are worth the average millionaire;</div> +<div>Whereas few pairs in any town</div> +<div>Can be half-sold for half a crown!</div> +</div> + +<div class="figright2" style="width: 100px;"> +<img src="images/i-020b.png" width="100" height="126" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span><a name="eaten" id="eaten"></a><em>How Little Red Riding Hood<br />Came to be Eaten</em></h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>Most worthy of praise</div> +<div>Were the virtuous ways</div> +<div class="i1">Of Little Red Riding Hood’s Ma,</div> +<div>And no one was ever</div> +<div>More cautious and clever</div> +<div class="i1">Than Little Red Riding Hood’s Pa.</div> +<div>They never misled,</div> +<div>For they meant what they said,</div> +<div class="i1">And would frequently say what they meant,</div> +<div>And the way she should go</div> +<div>They were careful to show,</div> +<div class="i1">And the way that they showed her, she went.</div> +</div> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-021a.png" width="300" height="239" alt="MUCH OBLIGED" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px; height: 243px;"> +<img src="images/i-021b.png" width="300" height="234" alt="WOMANS RIGHTS, ROSIN" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft b w"> +<div>For obedience she was effusively thanked,</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flright b w2"> +<div class="right">And for anything else she was carefully spanked.</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span>It thus isn’t strange</div> +<div>That Red Riding Hood’s range</div> +<div class="i1">Of virtues so steadily grew,</div> +<div>That soon she won prizes</div> +<div>Of different sizes,</div> +<div class="i1">And golden encomiums, too!</div> +<div>As a general rule</div> +<div>She was head of her school,</div> +<div class="i1">And at six was so notably smart</div> +<div>That they gave her a cheque</div> +<div>For reciting “The Wreck</div> +<div class="i1">Of the Hesperus,” wholly by heart!</div> +<div>And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure,</div> +<div>When I add that this money she gave to the poor.</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>At eleven this lass</div> +<div>Had a Sunday-school class,</div> +<div class="i1">At twelve wrote a volume of verse,</div> +<div>At thirteen was yearning</div> +<div>For glory, and learning</div> +<div class="i1">To be a professional nurse.</div> +<div>To a glorious height</div> +<div>The young paragon might</div> +<div class="i1">Have grown, if not nipped in the bud,</div> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span>But the following year</div> +<div>Struck her smiling career</div> +<div class="i1">With a dull and a sickening thud!</div> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/i-023.png" width="500" height="268" alt="1902 A. D." title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b t"> +<div>(I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain,</div> +<div>And must copy my manuscript over again!)</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b t"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span> +Not dreaming of harm,</div> +<div>One day on her arm</div> +<div class="i1">A basket she hung. It was filled</div> +<div>With jellies, and ices,</div> +<div>And gruel, and spices,</div> +<div class="i1">And chicken-legs, carefully grilled,</div> +<div>And a savory stew,</div> +<div>And a novel or two</div> +<div class="i1">She’d persuaded a neighbor to loan,</div> +<div>And a hot-water can,</div> +<div>And a Japanese fan,</div> +<div class="i1">And a bottle of <em>eau-de-cologne</em>,</div> +<div>And the rest of the things that your family fill</div> +<div>Your room with, whenever you chance to be ill!</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>She expected to find</div> +<div>Her decrepit but kind</div> +<div class="i1">Old Grandmother waiting her call,</div> +<div>But the visage that met her</div> +<div>Completely upset her:</div> +<div class="i1">It wasn’t familiar at all!</div> +<div>With a whitening cheek</div> +<div>She started to speak,</div> +<div class="i1">But her peril she instantly saw:—</div> +<div>Her Grandma had fled,</div> +<div>And she’d tackled instead</div> +<div class="i1">Four merciless Paws and a Maw!</div> +<div>When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue,</div> +<div>He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood’s, too!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-025.jpg" width="600" height="699" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="caption four2"> +<div>This shows the bad wolf that came out of the wood,</div> +<div>And proved by his actions to be robbin’ Hood.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span> +At this terrible tale</div> +<div>Some readers will pale,</div> +<div class="i1">And others with horror grow dumb,</div> +<div>And yet it was better,</div> +<div>I fear, he should get her:</div> +<div class="i1">Just think what she might have become!</div> +<div>For an infant so keen</div> +<div>Might in future have been</div> +<div class="i1">A woman of awful renown,</div> +<div>Who carried on fights</div> +<div>For her feminine rights</div> +<div class="i1">As the Mare of an Arkansas town.</div> +<div>She might have continued the crime of her ’teens,</div> +<div>And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!</div> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/i-027.png" width="400" height="355" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter t w"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span><em>The Moral</em>: There’s nothing much glummer</div> +<div class="i1">Than children whose talents appall:</div> +<div>One much prefers those who are dumber,</div> +<div class="i1">But as for the paragons small,</div> +<div>If a swallow cannot make a summer</div> +<div class="i1">It can bring on a summary fall!</div> +</div> + +<div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-028.png" width="300" height="253" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span><a name="true" id="true"></a><em>How the Fatuous Wish of a<br />Peasant Came True</em></h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>An excellent peasant,</div> +<div>Of character pleasant,</div> +<div class="i1">Once lived in a hut with his wife.</div> +<div>He was cheerful and docile,</div> +<div>But such an old fossil</div> +<div class="i1">You wouldn’t meet twice in your life.</div> +<div>His notions were all without reason or rhyme,</div> +<div>Such dullness in any one else were a crime,</div> +<div class="i1">But the folly pig-headed</div> +<div>To which he was wedded</div> +<div>Was so deep imbedded,</div> +<div class="i3">it touched the sublime!</div> +</div> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-029.png" width="300" height="353" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flright"> +<div>He frequently stated</div> +<div>Such quite antiquated</div> +<div class="i1">And singular doctrines as these:</div> +<div><em>“Do good unto others!</em></div> +<div><em>All men are your brothers!”</em></div> +<div class="i1">(Of course he forgot the Chinese!)</div> +<div>He said that all men were made equal and free,</div> +<div>(That’s true if they’re born on <em>our</em> side of the sea!)</div> +<div class="i1">That truth should be spoken,</div> +<div>And pledges unbroken:</div> +<div>(Now where, by that token,</div> +<div class="i3">would most of us be?)</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-030.png" width="400" height="444" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>One day, as his pottage</div> +<div>He ate in his cottage,</div> +<div class="i1">A fairy stepped up to the door;</div> +<div>Upon it she hammered,</div> +<div>And meekly she stammered:</div> +<div class="i1">“A morsel of food I implore.”</div> +<div>He gave her sardines, and a biscuit or two,</div> +<div>And she said in reply, when her luncheon was through,</div> +<div class="i1">“In return for these dishes</div> +<div>Of bread and of fishes</div> +<div>The first of your wishes</div> +<div class="i3">I’ll make to come true!”</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> +That nincompoop peasant</div> +<div>Accepted the present,</div> +<div class="i1">(As most of us probably would,)</div> +<div>And, thinking her bounty</div> +<div>To turn to account, he</div> +<div class="i1">Said: “<em>Now</em> I’ll do somebody good!</div> +<div>I won’t ask a thing for myself or my wife,</div> +<div>But I’ll make all my neighbors with happiness rife.</div> +<div class="i1">Whate’er their conditions,</div> +<div class="i1">Henceforward, physicians</div> +<div class="i1">And indispositions</div> +<div class="i3">they’re rid of for life!”</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/i-032.png" width="400" height="319" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span>These words energetic</div> +<div>The fairy’s prophetic</div> +<div class="i1">Announcement brought instantly true:</div> +<div>With singular quickness</div> +<div>Each victim of sickness</div> +<div class="i1">Was made over, better than new,</div> +<div>And people who formerly thought they were doomed</div> +<div>With almost obstreperous healthiness bloomed,</div> +<div class="i1">And each had some platitude,</div> +<div class="i1">Teeming with gratitude,</div> +<div class="i1">For the new attitude</div> +<div class="i3">life had assumed.</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-033.png" width="200" height="191" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flright b"> +<div>Our friend’s satisfaction</div> +<div>Concerning his action</div> +<div class="i1">Was keen, but exceedingly brief.</div> +<div>The wrathful condition</div> +<div>Of every physician</div> +<div class="i1">In town was surpassing belief!</div> +<div>Professional nurses were plunged in despair,</div> +<div>And chemists shook passionate fists in the air:</div> +<div class="i1">They called at his dwelling,</div> +<div class="i1">With violence swelling,</div> +<div class="i1">His greeting repelling</div> +<div class="i3">with arrogant stare.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flleft t b w"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> +They beat and they battered,</div> +<div>They slammed and they shattered,</div> +<div class="i1">And did him such serious harm,</div> +<div>That, after their labors,</div> +<div>His wife told the neighbors</div> +<div class="i1">They’d caused her excessive alarm!</div> +<div>They then set to work on his various ills,</div> +<div>And plied him with liniments, powders, and pills,</div> +<div class="i1">And charged him so dearly</div> +<div class="i1">That all of them nearly</div> +<div class="i1">Made double the yearly</div> +<div class="i3">amount of their bills.</div> +</div> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-034.png" width="300" height="226" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w t b"> +<div><em>This Moral</em> by the tale is taught:—</div> +<div>The wish is father to the thought.</div> +<div>(We’d oftentimes escape the worst</div> +<div>If but the thinking part came first!)</div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span><a name="onus" id="onus"></a>How Hop O’ My Thumb Got<br />Rid of an Onus</h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;"> +<img src="images/i-035a.png" width="200" height="111" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft b"> +<div>A worthy couple, man and wife,</div> +<div>Dragged on a discontented life:</div> +<div class="i1">The reason, I should state,</div> +<div>That it was destitute of joys,</div> +<div>Was that they had a dozen boys</div> +<div class="i1">To feed and educate,</div> +<div>And nothing such patience demands</div> +<div>As having twelve boys on your hands!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/i-035b.png" width="600" height="265" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter t b w"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> +For twenty years they tried their best</div> +<div>To keep those urchins neatly dressed</div> +<div class="i1">And teach them to be good,</div> +<div>But so much labor it involved</div> +<div>That, in the end, they both resolved</div> +<div class="i1">To lose them in a wood,</div> +<div>Though nothing a parent annoys</div> +<div>Like heartlessly losing his boys!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>So when their sons had gone to bed,</div> +<div>Though bitter tears the couple shed,</div> +<div class="i1">They laid their little plan.</div> +<div>“<em>Faut b’en que ça s’fasse. Quand même</em>,”</div> +<div>The woman said, “<em>J’en suis tout’ blème.</em>”</div> +<div class="i1">“<em>Ça colle!</em>” observed the man,</div> +<div>“<em>Mais ça coute, que ces gosses fichus!</em></div> +<div><em>B’en, quoi! Faut qu’i’s soient perdus!</em>”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>(I’ve quite omitted to explain</div> +<div>That they were natives of Touraine;</div> +<div class="i1">I see I must translate.)</div> +<div>“Of course it must be done, and still,”</div> +<div>The wife remarked, “it makes me ill.”</div> +<div class="i1">“You bet!” replied her mate:</div> +<div>“But we’ve both of us counted the cost,</div> +<div>And the kids simply <em>have</em> to be lost!”</div> +</div> + + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/i-037a.png" width="400" height="376" alt="FRENCH SELF TAUGHT" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> +But, while they plotted, every word</div> +<div>The youngest of the urchins heard,</div> +<div class="i1">And winked the other eye;</div> +<div>His height was only two feet three.</div> +<div>(I might remark, in passing, he</div> +<div class="i1">Was little, but O My!)</div> +<div>He added: “I’d better keep mum.”</div> +<div>(He was foxy, was Hop O’ My Thumb!)</div> +</div> + +<div class="figright t" style="width: 150px;"> +<img src="images/i-037b.png" width="150" height="144" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> +They took the boys into the wood,</div> +<div>And lost them, as they said they should,</div> +<div class="i1">And came in silence back.</div> +<div>Alas for them! Hop O’ My Thumb</div> +<div>At every step had dropped a crumb,</div> +<div class="i1">And so retraced the track.</div> +<div>While the parents sat mourning their fate</div> +<div>He led the boys in at the gate!</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>He placed his hand upon his heart,</div> +<div>And said: “You think you’re awful smart,</div> +<div class="i1">But I have foiled you thus!”</div> +<div>His parents humbly bent the knee,</div> +<div>And meekly said: “H. O. M. T.,</div> +<div class="i1">You’re one too much for us!”</div> +<div>And both of them solemnly swore</div> +<div class="o">“We won’t never do so no more!”</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figright t b" style="width: 200px;"> +<img src="images/i-038.png" width="200" height="271" alt="FRENCH EASY" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft"> +<div><em>The Moral</em> is: While I do not</div> +<div>Endeavor to condone the plot,</div> +<div class="i1">I still maintain that one</div> +<div>Should have no chance of being foiled,</div> +<div>And having one’s arrangements spoiled</div> +<div class="i1">By one’s ingenious son.</div> +<div>If you turn down your children, with pain,</div> +<div>Take care they don’t turn up again!</div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span><a name="door" id="door"></a>How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard<br />Made Free with a Door</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-039.png" width="300" height="422" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft"> +<div>A maiden from the Bosphorus,</div> +<div>With eyes as bright as phosphorus,</div> +<div class="i1">Once wed the wealthy bailiff</div> +<div class="i5">Of the caliph</div> +<div class="i8">Of Kelat.</div> +<div>Though diligent and zealous, he</div> +<div>Became a slave to jealousy.</div> +<div class="i1">(Considering her beauty,</div> +<div class="i5">’Twas his duty</div> +<div class="i8">To be that!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> +When business would necessitate</div> +<div>A journey, he would hesitate,</div> +<div class="i1">But, fearing to disgust her,</div> +<div class="i5">He would trust her</div> +<div class="i8">With his keys,</div> +<div>Remarking to her prayerfully:</div> +<div class="o">“I beg you’ll use them carefully.</div> +<div class="i1">Don’t look what I deposit</div> +<div class="i5">In that closet,</div> +<div class="i8">If you please.”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>It may be mentioned, casually,</div> +<div>That blue as lapis lazuli</div> +<div class="i1">He dyed his hair, his lashes,</div> +<div class="i5">His mustaches,</div> +<div class="i8">And his beard.</div> +<div>And, just because he did it, he</div> +<div>Aroused his wife’s timidity:</div> +<div class="i1">Her terror she dissembled,</div> +<div class="i5">But she trembled</div> +<div class="i8">When he neared.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-041.jpg" width="600" height="706" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="caption four2"> +<div>This shows how grim Blue-Beard, when bound on a bat,</div> +<div>Instructed his wife on the key of a flat!</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> +This feeling insalubrious</div> +<div>Soon made her most lugubrious,</div> +<div class="i1">And bitterly she missed her</div> +<div class="i5">Elder sister</div> +<div class="i8">Marie Anne:</div> +<div>She asked if she might write her to</div> +<div>Come down and spend a night or two,</div> +<div class="i1">Her husband answered rightly</div> +<div class="i5">And politely:</div> +<div class="i8">“Yes, you can!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>Blue-Beard, the Monday following,</div> +<div>His jealous feeling swallowing,</div> +<div class="i1">Packed all his clothes together</div> +<div class="i5">In a leather-</div> +<div class="i8">Bound valise,</div> +<div>And, feigning reprehensibly,</div> +<div>He started out, ostensibly</div> +<div class="i1">By traveling to learn a</div> +<div class="i5">Bit of Smyrna</div> +<div class="i8">And of Greece.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flleft"> +<div>His wife made but a cursory</div> +<div>Inspection of the nursery;</div> +<div class="i1">The kitchen and the airy</div> +<div class="i5">Little dairy</div> +<div class="i8">Were a bore,</div> +<div>As well as big or scanty rooms,</div> +<div>And billiard, bath, and ante-rooms,</div> +<div class="i1">But not that interdicted</div> +<div class="i5">And restricted</div> +<div class="i8">Little door!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-043.png" width="300" height="267" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span>For, all her curiosity</div> +<div>Awakened by the closet he</div> +<div class="i1">So carefully had hidden,</div> +<div class="i5">And forbidden</div> +<div class="i8">Her to see,</div> +<div>This damsel disobedient</div> +<div>Did something inexpedient,</div> +<div class="i1">And in the keyhole tiny</div> +<div class="i5">Turned the shiny</div> +<div class="i8">Little key:</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/i-044.png" width="500" height="350" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span>Then started back impulsively,</div> +<div>And shrieked aloud convulsively—</div> +<div class="i1">Three heads of girls he’d wedded</div> +<div class="i5">And beheaded</div> +<div class="i8">Met her eye!</div> +<div>And turning round, much terrified,</div> +<div>Her darkest fears were verified,</div> +<div class="i1">For Blue-Beard stood behind her,</div> +<div class="i5">Come to find her</div> +<div class="i8">On the sly!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/i-045.png" width="600" height="282" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span>Perceiving she was fated to</div> +<div>Be soon decapitated, too,</div> +<div class="i1">She telegraphed her brothers</div> +<div class="i5">And some others</div> +<div class="i8">What she feared.</div> +<div>And Sister Anne looked out for them,</div> +<div>In readiness to shout for them</div> +<div class="i1">Whenever in the distance</div> +<div class="i5">With assistance</div> +<div class="i8">They appeared.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>But only from her battlement</div> +<div>She saw some dust that cattle meant.</div> +<div class="i1">The ordinary story</div> +<div class="i5">Isn’t gory,</div> +<div class="i8">But a jest.</div> +<div>But here’s the truth unqualified.</div> +<div>The husband <em>wasn’t</em> mollified</div> +<div class="i1">Her head is in his bloody</div> +<div class="i5">Little study</div> +<div class="i8">With the rest!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><em>The Moral</em>: Wives, we must allow,</div> +<div>Who to their husbands will not bow,</div> +<div>A stern and dreadful lesson learn</div> +<div>When, as you’ve read, they’re cut in turn.</div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + + +<hr /> + + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span><a name="bonus" id="bonus"></a>How Rumplestilz Held Out<br />in Vain for a Bonus</h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="figright" style="width: 350px;"> +<img src="images/i-047.png" width="350" height="427" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flleft"> +<div>In Germany there lived an earl</div> +<div class="i1">Who had a charming niece:</div> +<div>And never gave the timid girl</div> +<div class="i1">A single moment’s peace!</div> +<div>Whatever low and menial task</div> +<div class="i1">His fancy flitted through,</div> +<div>He did not hesitate to ask</div> +<div class="i1">That shrinking child to do.</div> +<div>(I see with truly honest shame you</div> +<div>Are blushing, and I do not blame you.</div> +<div>A tale like this the feelings softens,</div> +<div>And brings the tears, as does “Two Orphans.”)</div> +</div> + + + + +<div class="verse flcenter w t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span> +She had to wash the windows, and</div> +<div class="i1">She had to scrub the floors,</div> +<div>She had to lend a willing hand</div> +<div class="i1">To fifty other chores:</div> +<div>She gave the dog his exercise,</div> +<div class="i1">She read the earl the news,</div> +<div>She ironed all his evening ties,</div> +<div class="i1">And polished all his shoes,</div> +<div>She cleaned the tins that filled the dairy,</div> +<div>She cut the claws of the canary,</div> +<div>And then, at night, with manner winsome,</div> +<div>When coal was wanted, carried in some!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>But though these tasks were quite enough,</div> +<div class="i1">He thought them all too few,</div> +<div>And so her uncle, rude and rough,</div> +<div class="i1">Invented something new.</div> +<div>He took her to a little room,</div> +<div class="i1">Her willingness to tax,</div> +<div>And pointed out a broken loom</div> +<div class="i1">And half a ton of flax,</div> +<div>Observing: “Spin six pairs of trousers!”</div> +<div>His haughty manner seemed to rouse hers.</div> +<div>She met his scornful glances proudly—</div> +<div>And for an answer whistled loudly!</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-049.png" width="400" height="428" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span> +But when the earl went down the stair</div> +<div class="i1">She yielded to her fears.</div> +<div>Gave way at last to grim despair,</div> +<div class="i1">And melted into tears:</div> +<div>When suddenly, from out the wall,</div> +<div class="i1">As if he felt at home,</div> +<div>There pounced a singularly small</div> +<div class="i1">And much distorted gnome.</div> +<div>He smiled a smile extremely vapid,</div> +<div>And set to work in fashion rapid;</div> +<div>No time for resting he deducted,</div> +<div>And soon the trousers were constructed.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-050.png" width="300" height="387" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flright t b"> +<div>The girl observed: “How very nice</div> +<div class="i1">To help me out this way!”</div> +<div>The gnome replied: “A certain price</div> +<div class="i1">Of course you’ll have to pay.</div> +<div>I’ll call to-morrow afternoon,</div> +<div class="i1">My due reward to claim,</div> +<div>And then you’ll sing another tune</div> +<div class="i1">Unless you guess my name!”</div> +<div>He indicated with a gesture</div> +<div>The pile of newly fashioned vesture:</div> +<div>His eyes on hers a moment centered,</div> +<div>And then he went, as he had entered.</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/i-051.png" width="400" height="382" alt="GRIMM NAMES R-r-r-r-rumplestilz!" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span> +As by this tale you have been grieved</div> +<div class="i1">And heartily distressed,</div> +<div>Kind sir, you will be much relieved</div> +<div class="i1">To know his name she guessed:</div> +<div>But if I do not tell the same,</div> +<div class="i1">Pray count it not a crime:—</div> +<div>I’ve tried my best, and for that name</div> +<div class="i1">I can’t find any rhyme!</div> +<div>Yet spare me from remarks injurious:</div> +<div>I will not leave you foiled and furious.</div> +<div>If something must proclaim the answer,</div> +<div>And I cannot, the title can, sir!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span><em>The Moral</em> is: All said and done,</div> +<div>There’s nothing new beneath the sun,</div> +<div>And many times before, a title</div> +<div>Was incapacity’s requital!</div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span><a name="sore" id="sore"></a>How Jack Made the Giants<br />Uncommonly Sore</h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft"> +<div>Of all the ill-fated</div> +<div>Boys ever created</div> +<div class="i1">Young Jack was the wretchedest lad:</div> +<div>An emphatic, erratic,</div> +<div>Dogmatic fanatic</div> +<div class="i1">Was foisted upon him as dad!</div> +<div>From the time he could walk,</div> +<div>And before he could talk,</div> +<div class="i1">His wearisome training began,</div> +<div>On a highly barbarian,</div> +<div>Disciplinarian,</div> +<div>Nearly Tartarean</div> +<div class="i4">Plan!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-053.png" width="300" height="351" alt="THE REASON FOR REASON" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span>He taught him some Raleigh,</div> +<div>And some of Macaulay,</div> +<div class="i1">Till all of “Horatius” he knew,</div> +<div>And the drastic, sarcastic,</div> +<div>Fantastic, scholastic</div> +<div class="i1">Philippics of “Junius,” too.</div> +<div>He made him learn lots</div> +<div>Of the poems of Watts,</div> +<div class="i1">And frequently said he ignored,</div> +<div>On principle, any son’s</div> +<div>Title to benisons</div> +<div>Till he’d learned Tennyson’s</div> +<div class="i4">“Maud.”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div class="o">“For these are the giants</div> +<div>Of thought and of science,”</div> +<div class="i1">He said in his positive way:</div> +<div class="o">“So weigh them, obey them,</div> +<div>Display them, and lay them</div> +<div class="i1">To heart in your infancy’s day!”</div> +<div>Jack made no reply,</div> +<div>But he said on the sly</div> +<div class="i1">An eloquent word, that had come</div> +<div>From a quite indefensible,</div> +<div>Most reprehensible,</div> +<div>But indispensable</div> +<div class="i4">Chum.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span> +By the time he was twenty</div> +<div>Jack had such a plenty</div> +<div class="i1">Of books and paternal advice,</div> +<div>Though seedy and needy,</div> +<div>Indeed he was greedy</div> +<div class="i1">For vengeance, whatever the price!</div> +<div>In the editor’s seat</div> +<div>Of a critical sheet</div> +<div class="i1">He found the revenge that he sought;</div> +<div>And, with sterling appliance of</div> +<div>Mind, wrote defiance of</div> +<div>All of the giants of</div> +<div class="i4">Thought.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>He’d thunder and grumble</div> +<div>At high and at humble</div> +<div class="i1">Until he became, in a while,</div> +<div>Mordacious, pugnacious,</div> +<div>Rapacious. Good gracious!</div> +<div class="i1">They called him the Yankee Carlyle!</div> +<div>But he never took rest</div> +<div>On his quarrelsome quest</div> +<div class="i1">Of the giants, both mighty and small.</div> +<div>He slated, distorted them,</div> +<div>Hanged them and quartered them,</div> +<div>Till he had slaughtered them</div> +<div class="i4">All.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span>And this is <em>The Moral</em> that lies in the verse:</div> +<div>If you have a go farther, you’re apt to fare worse.</div> +<div>(When you turn it around it is different rather:—</div> +<div>You’re not apt to go worse if you have a fair father!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-056.png" width="300" height="239" alt="HORACE" title="" /> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span><a name="rewarded" id="rewarded"></a>How Rudeness and Kindness<br />Were Justly Rewarded</h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>Once on a time, long years ago</div> +<div class="i1">(Just when I quite forget),</div> +<div>Two maidens lived beside the Po,</div> +<div class="i1">One blonde and one brunette.</div> +<div>The blonde one’s character was mild,</div> +<div>From morning until night she smiled,</div> +<div>Whereas the one whose hair was brown</div> +<div>Did little else than pine and frown.</div> +<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think one ought to draw the line</div> +<div class="i1">At girls who always frown and pine!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>The blonde one learned to play the harp,</div> +<div class="i1">Like all accomplished dames,</div> +<div>And trained her voice to take <em>C</em> sharp</div> +<div class="i1">As well as Emma Eames;</div> +<div>Made baskets out of scented grass,</div> +<div>And paper-weights of hammered brass,</div> +<div>And lots of other odds and ends</div> +<div>For gentleman and lady friends.</div> +<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think it takes a deal of sense</div> +<div class="i1">To manufacture gifts for gents!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span> +The dark one wore an air of gloom,</div> +<div class="i1">Proclaimed the world a bore,</div> +<div>And took her breakfast in her room</div> +<div class="i1">Three mornings out of four.</div> +<div>With crankiness she seemed imbued,</div> +<div>And everything she said was rude:</div> +<div>She sniffed, and sneered, and, what is more,</div> +<div>When very much provoked, she swore!</div> +<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think that I could never care</div> +<div class="i1">For any girl who’d learned to swear!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>One day the blonde was striding past</div> +<div class="i1">A forest, all alone,</div> +<div>When all at once her eyes she cast</div> +<div class="i1">Upon a wrinkled crone,</div> +<div>Who tottered near with shaking knees,</div> +<div>And said: “A penny, if you please!”</div> +<div>And you will learn with some surprise</div> +<div>This was a fairy in disguise!</div> +<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think it must be hard to know</div> +<div class="i1">A fairy who’s incognito!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span> +The maiden filled her trembling palms</div> +<div class="i1">With coinage of the realm.</div> +<div>The fairy said: “Take back your alms!</div> +<div class="i1">My heart they overwhelm.</div> +<div>Henceforth at every word shall slip</div> +<div>A pearl or ruby from your lip!”</div> +<div>And, when the girl got home that night,—</div> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span> +She found the fairy’s words were right!</div> +<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think there are not many girls</div> +<div class="i1">Whose words are worth their weight in pearls!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-060.png" width="300" height="433" alt="THE PO SISTERS PEARLIE & TOADIE" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span> +It happened that the cross brunette,</div> +<div class="i1">Ten minutes later, came</div> +<div>Along the self-same road, and met</div> +<div class="i1">That bent and wrinkled dame,</div> +<div>Who asked her humbly for a sou.</div> +<div>The girl replied: “Get out with you!”</div> +<div>The fairy cried: “Each word you drop,</div> +<div>A toad from out your mouth shall hop!”</div> +<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think that nothing incommodes</div> +<div class="i1">One’s speech like uninvited toads!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>And so it was, the cheerful blonde</div> +<div class="i1">Lived on in joy and bliss,</div> +<div>And grew pecunious, beyond</div> +<div class="i1">The dreams of avarice!</div> +<div>And to a nice young man was wed,</div> +<div>And I have often heard it said</div> +<div>No other man who ever walked</div> +<div>Most loved his wife when most she talked!</div> +<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think this very fact, forsooth,</div> +<div class="i1">Goes far to prove I tell the truth!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span> +The cross brunette the fairy’s joke</div> +<div class="i1">By hook or crook survived,</div> +<div>But still at every word she spoke</div> +<div class="i1">An ugly toad arrived,</div> +<div>Until at last she had to come</div> +<div>To feigning she was wholly dumb,</div> +<div>Whereat the suitors swarmed around,</div> +<div>And soon a wealthy mate she found.</div> +<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think nobody ever knew</div> +<div class="i1">The happier husband of the two!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><em>The Moral</em> of the tale is: Bah!</div> +<div><em>Nous avons changé tout celà.</em></div> +<div>No clear idea I hope to strike</div> +<div>Of what <em>your</em> nicest girl is like,</div> +<div>But she whose best young man <em>I</em> am</div> +<div>Is not an oyster, nor a clam!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/i-063.png" width="400" height="497" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="caption four2"> +<div>This shows why each suitor, who rode up to spark,</div> +<div>Would mark the toad maybe, but ne’er toed the mark.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span></div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span><a name="beast" id="beast"></a>How Beauty Contrived to Get<br />Square with the Beast</h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>Miss Guinevere Platt</div> +<div>Was so beautiful that</div> +<div class="i1">She couldn’t remember the day</div> +<div>When one of her swains</div> +<div>Hadn’t taken the pains</div> +<div class="i1">To send her a mammoth bouquet.</div> +<div>And the postman had found,</div> +<div>On the whole of his round,</div> +<div class="i1">That no one received such a lot</div> +<div>Of bulky epistles</div> +<div>As, waiting his whistles,</div> +<div class="i1">The beautiful Guinevere got!</div> +</div> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 500px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-066.png" width="500" height="420" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 t4 b"> +<div>A significant sign</div> +<div>That her charm was divine</div> +<div class="i1">Was seen in society, when</div> +<div>The chaperons sniffed</div> +<div>With their eyebrows alift:</div> +<div class="i1">“Whatever’s got into the men?”</div> +<div>There was always a man</div> +<div>Who was holding her fan,</div> +<div class="i1">And twenty that danced in details,</div> +<div>And a couple of mourners,</div> +<div>Who brooded in corners,</div> +<div class="i1">And gnawed their mustaches and nails.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span>John Jeremy Platt</div> +<div>Wouldn’t stay in the flat,</div> +<div class="i1">For his beautiful daughter he missed:</div> +<div>When he’d taken his tub,</div> +<div>He would hie to his club,</div> +<div class="i1">And dally with poker or whist.</div> +<div>At the end of a year</div> +<div>It was perfectly clear</div> +<div class="i1">That he’d never computed the cost,</div> +<div>For he hadn’t a penny</div> +<div>To settle the many</div> +<div class="i1">Ten thousands of dollars he’d lost!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>F. Ferdinand Fife</div> +<div>Was a student of life:</div> +<div class="i1">He was coarse, and excessively fat,</div> +<div>With a beard like a goat’s,</div> +<div>But he held all the notes</div> +<div class="i1">Of ruined John Jeremy Platt!</div> +<div>With an adamant smile</div> +<div>That was brimming with guile,</div> +<div class="i1">He said: “I am took with the face</div> +<div>Of your beautiful daughter,</div> +<div>And wed me she ought ter,</div> +<div class="i1">To save you from utter disgrace!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span>Miss Guinevere Platt</div> +<div>Didn’t hesitate at</div> +<div class="i1">Her duty’s imperative call.</div> +<div>When they looked at the bride</div> +<div>All the chaperons cried:</div> +<div class="i1">“She isn’t so bad, after all!”</div> +<div>Of the desolate men</div> +<div>There were something like ten</div> +<div class="i1">Who took up political lives,</div> +<div>And the flower of the flock</div> +<div>Went and fell off a dock,</div> +<div class="i1">And the rest married hideous wives!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-068.png" width="300" height="358" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span>But the beautiful wife</div> +<div>Of F. Ferdinand Fife</div> +<div class="i1">Was the wildest that ever was known:</div> +<div>She’d grumble and glare,</div> +<div>Till the man didn’t dare</div> +<div class="i1">To say that his soul was his own.</div> +<div>She sneered at his ills,</div> +<div>And quadrupled his bills,</div> +<div class="i1">And spent nearly twice what he earned;</div> +<div>Her husband deserted,</div> +<div>And frivoled, and flirted,</div> +<div class="i1">Till Ferdinand’s reason was turned.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/i-069.png" width="600" height="286" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span>He repented too late,</div> +<div>And his terrible fate</div> +<div class="i1">Upon him so heavily sat,</div> +<div>That he swore at the day</div> +<div>When he sat down to play</div> +<div class="i1">At cards with John Jeremy Platt.</div> +<div>He was dead in a year,</div> +<div>And the fair Guinevere</div> +<div class="i1">In society sparkled again,</div> +<div>While the chaperons fluttered</div> +<div>Their fans, as they muttered:</div> +<div class="i1">“She’s getting exceedingly plain!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><em>The Moral</em>: Predicaments often are found</div> +<div>That beautiful duty is apt to get round:</div> +<div>But greedy extortioners better beware</div> +<div>For dutiful beauty is apt to get square!</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-071.jpg" width="600" height="704" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="caption four2"> +<div>This shows how at poker one loses his pelf</div> +<div>When the other’s a joker and knave in himself.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span></div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span><a name="accorded" id="accorded"></a>How a Fair One no Hope to<br />His Highness Accorded</h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>She has slid down the channels</div> +<div>Of history’s annals</div> +<div class="i1">Disguised as the child of a king,</div> +<div>But that is a glib</div> +<div>And iniquitous fib,</div> +<div class="i1">For she never was any such thing:</div> +<div>They called her the Fair One with Golden Locks,</div> +<div>And it’s true she had lovers who swarmed in flocks,</div> +<div>But the rest is ironic;</div> +<div>Her business chronic</div> +<div>Was selling hair-tonic</div> +<div class="i6">By bottle and box!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>From the dawn till the gloaming</div> +<div>She used to sit combing</div> +<div class="i1">Her hair in a languorous way.</div> +<div>And her suitors would stop</div> +<div>To look into the shop,</div> +<div class="i1">And stand there the rest of the day.</div> +<div>She filled them with mute, but with deep despair,</div> +<div>For she never glanced up, with a smile, to where</div> +<div>They stood about, crushing</div> +<div>Each other, and blushing:</div> +<div>She simply kept brushing</div> +<div class="i6">Her beautiful hair.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span> +But a prince who was passing,</div> +<div>Engaged in amassing</div> +<div class="i1">Some facts on American life,</div> +<div>Was suddenly struck</div> +<div>By the fact that his luck</div> +<div class="i1">Might give him that girl for a wife!</div> +<div>His rashness he didn’t attempt to excuse,</div> +<div>He entered the shop and he stated his views.</div> +<div>Remarking,</div> +<div class="i5">“My jewel,</div> +<div>I’m confident you will</div> +<div>Not wish to be cruel</div> +<div class="i6">Enough to refuse.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/i-074.png" width="400" height="252" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span> +“Most winsome of creatures,”</div> +<div>He told her, “your features</div> +<div class="i1">Have led me to candidly say</div> +<div>That no other beside</div> +<div>Would I have for a bride:</div> +<div class="i1">We’ll be married a week from to-day!</div> +<div>I belong to a long and a titled line,</div> +<div>And the least of your wishes I won’t decline;</div> +<div>Next month I will usher</div> +<div>My wife into Russia:—</div> +<div>Sweet comber and brusher,</div> +<div class="i6">Consider you’re mine!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>She looked at him squarely,</div> +<div>Considered him fairly,</div> +<div class="i1">Her glance was as keen as a knife,</div> +<div>Then she turned up her nose,</div> +<div>And, with icy repose,</div> +<div class="i1">She answered: “Well, not on your life!</div> +<div>You’re not on the paper the only blot!</div> +<div>Do you think I come twelve in a parcel—what?</div> +<div><em>Me</em> pose as your dearie?</div> +<div>Oh, go and chase Peary!</div> +<div>You’re making me weary.</div> +<div class="i6">Now git!”</div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div class="center"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span>(He got!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-077.png" width="600" height="753" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="caption four2"> +<div>This shows how, with never a shadow of doubt,</div> +<div>When you go in for love you are apt to come out.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span></div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span> +The crowd that had waited</div> +<div>Outside was elated</div> +<div class="i1">So much by the prince’s mischance,</div> +<div>That they greeted with jeers</div> +<div>And ironical cheers,</div> +<div class="i1">The end of his little romance.</div> +<div>They said: “Did it hurt when the ground you hit?”</div> +<div>They searched for some mark where the prince had lit,</div> +<div>And as he looked colder,</div> +<div>They only grew bolder,</div> +<div>And tapped on his shoulder</div> +<div class="i6">With: “Tag! You’re It!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>The lengthy discussion</div> +<div>That sensitive Russian</div> +<div class="i1">Compiled on the U. S. A.</div> +<div>Was read by the maid,</div> +<div>As she carelessly played</div> +<div class="i1">With her beautiful hair one day.</div> +<div>“The talk you hear in that primitive land,”</div> +<div>He wrote, “nobody can understand.”</div> +<div>“Somebody who guffed him,”</div> +<div>She said, “has stuffed him,</div> +<div>And easily bluffed him</div> +<div class="i6">To beat the band!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span><em>The Moral</em>: The people across the brine</div> +<div>Are exceedingly strong on Auld Lang Syne,</div> +<div>But they’re lost in the push when they strike a gang</div> +<div>That is strong on American new line slang!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figright b" style="width: 200px;"> +<img src="images/i-080.png" width="200" height="276" alt="SLANG" title="" /> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span><a name="released" id="released"></a>How Thomas a Maid from<br />a Dragon Released</h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>Though Philip the Second</div> +<div>Of France was reckoned</div> +<div class="i1">No coward, his breath came short</div> +<div>When they told him a dragon</div> +<div>As big as a wagon</div> +<div class="i1">Was waiting below in the court!</div> +<div>A dragon so long, and so wide, and so fat,</div> +<div>That he couldn’t get in at the door to chat:</div> +<div>The king couldn’t leave him</div> +<div>Outside and grieve him,</div> +<div>He had to receive him</div> +<div class="i6">Upon the mat,</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figright b" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/i-081.png" width="400" height="210" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span>The dragon bowed nicely,</div> +<div>And very concisely</div> +<div class="i1">He stated the reason he’d called:</div> +<div>He made the disclosure</div> +<div>With frigid composure.</div> +<div class="i1">King Philip was simply appalled!</div> +<div>He demanded for eating, a fortnight apart,</div> +<div>The monarch’s ten daughters, all dear to his heart.</div> +<div>“And now you’ll produce,” he</div> +<div>Concluded, “the juicy</div> +<div>And succulent Lucie</div> +<div class="i6">By way of start!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>King Philip was pliant,</div> +<div>And far from defiant</div> +<div class="i1">—“And servile,” no doubt you retort!—</div> +<div>But if <em>you</em> struck a snag on</div> +<div>A bottle-green dragon,</div> +<div class="i1">Who filled up two-thirds of your court,</div> +<div>And curled up his tail on your new tin roof,</div> +<div>And made your piazza groan under his hoof,</div> +<div>Would you threaten and thunder,</div> +<div>Or just knuckle under</div> +<div>Completely, I wonder,</div> +<div class="i6">If put to proof?</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-083.png" width="600" height="327" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w t b"> +<div>By way of a truce, he</div> +<div>Brought out little Lucie</div> +<div class="i1">And watched her conducted away,</div> +<div>But all of the others</div> +<div>Were out with their brothers!</div> +<div class="i1">Thus gaining a little delay,</div> +<div>He promised through heralds sent west and east,</div> +<div>His crown, and his kingdom, and last, not least,</div> +<div>His daughter so sightly</div> +<div>To any one knightly</div> +<div>Who’d come and politely</div> +<div class="i6">Wipe out that beast!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span>For love of the charmer,</div> +<div>Arrayed in his armor,</div> +<div class="i1">Each suitor for glory who yearned,</div> +<div>Would gallantly hasten,</div> +<div>The dragon to chasten,</div> +<div class="i1">But none of them ever returned!</div> +<div>When the dragon had eaten some sixteen score</div> +<div>He hung up this sign on his cavern door,</div> +<div>Whereat he lay pronely</div> +<div>In majesty lonely:</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b bbox"> +<div><em>There’s Standing Room Only</em></div> +<div class="i6"><em>For Three Knights More!</em></div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>A slim adolescent,</div> +<div>His beard only crescent,</div> +<div class="i1">Rode up at this stage of the game</div> +<div>To where the old sinner</div> +<div>Lay gorged with his dinner,</div> +<div class="i1">And breathing out torrents of flame.</div> +<div>He gathered a tip from the flaunting sign,</div> +<div>And took his position the fourth in line,</div> +<div>Until, as foreboded,</div> +<div>By food incommoded,</div> +<div>The dragon exploded</div> +<div class="i6">At half-past nine.</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-085.png" width="600" height="776" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="caption four2"> +<div>This shows how a servant may laugh at the Fates,</div> +<div>Since everything comes to the fellow who waits.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span></div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span> +The king was delighted</div> +<div>At first when he sighted</div> +<div class="i1">The victor, but then in dismay</div> +<div>Regretted his promise.</div> +<div>The stripling was Thomas,</div> +<div class="i1">His Majesty’s <em>valet-de-pied</em>!</div> +<div>He asked him at once: “Will you compromise?”</div> +<div>But Thomas looked straight in his master’s eyes,</div> +<div>And answered severely:</div> +<div>“I see your game clearly,</div> +<div>And scorn it sincerely.</div> +<div class="i6">Hand out the prize!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>Not long did he linger</div> +<div>Before on the finger</div> +<div class="i1">Of Lucie he fitted a ring:</div> +<div>A month or two later</div> +<div>They made him dictator,</div> +<div class="i1">In place of the elderly king:</div> +<div>He was lauded by pulpit, and boomed by press,</div> +<div>And no one had ever a chance to guess,</div> +<div>Beholding this hero</div> +<div>Who ruled like a Nero,</div> +<div>His valor was zero,</div> +<div class="i6">Or something less.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><em>The Moral:</em> And still from Nice to Calais</div> +<div>Discretion’s the better part of—</div> +<div class="center"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span>—<em>valets!</em></div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span><a name="suited" id="suited"></a><em>How a Beauty was Waked<br />and Her Suitor was Suited</em></h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div>Albeit wholly penniless,</div> +<div>Prince Charming wasn’t any less</div> +<div class="i1">Conceited than a Croesus or a modern millionaire:</div> +<div>Though often in necessity,</div> +<div>No one would ever guess it. He</div> +<div class="i1">Was candidly insolvent, and he frankly didn’t care!</div> +<div>Of the many debts he made</div> +<div>Not a one was ever paid,</div> +<div class="i1">But no one ever pressed him to refund the borrowed gold:</div> +<div>While he recklessly kept spending,</div> +<div>People gladly kept on lending,</div> +<div class="i1">For the fact they knew a title</div> +<div class="i7">Was requital</div> +<div class="i8">Twenty-fold!</div> +<div class="i3">(He lived in sixteen sixty-three,</div> +<div class="i4">This smooth unblushing article,</div> +<div class="i3">Since when, as far as I can see,</div> +<div class="i4">Men haven’t changed a particle!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span>In Charming’s principality</div> +<div>There was a wild locality,</div> +<div class="i1">Composed of sombre forest, and of steep and frowning crags,</div> +<div>Of pheasant and of rabbit, too;</div> +<div>And here it was his habit to</div> +<div class="i1">Go hunting with his courtiers in the keen pursuit of stags.</div> +<div>But the charger that he rode</div> +<div>So mercurially strode</div> +<div class="i1">That the prince on one occasion left the others in the lurch,</div> +<div>And the falling darkness found him,</div> +<div>With no vassals left around him,</div> +<div class="i1">Near a building like an abbey,</div> +<div class="i7">Or a shabby</div> +<div class="i8">Ruined church.</div> +<div>His Highness said: “I’ll ring the bell</div> +<div class="i1">And stay till morning in it!” (He</div> +<div>Took Hobson’s choice, for no hotel</div> +<div class="i1">There was in the vicinity.)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span>His ringing was so vehement</div> +<div>That any one could see he meant</div> +<div class="i1">To suffer no refusal, but, in spite of all the din,</div> +<div>There was no answer audible,</div> +<div>And so, with courage laudable,</div> +<div class="i1">His Royal Highness turned the knob, and stoutly entered in.</div> +<div>Then he strode across the court,</div> +<div>But he suddenly stopped short</div> +<div class="i1">When he passed within the castle by a massive oaken door:</div> +<div>There were courtiers without number,</div> +<div>But they all were plunged in slumber,</div> +<div class="i1">The prince’s ear delighting</div> +<div class="i7">By uniting</div> +<div class="i8">In a snore.</div> +<div>The prince remarked: “This must be Philadelphia, Pennsylvania!”</div> +<div>(And so was born the jest that’s still</div> +<div class="i1">The comic journal’s mania!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/i-093.png" width="500" height="599" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="caption four2"> +<div>This shows how the prince won the princess’s heart,</div> +<div>And the end of her sleeping was simply a start.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span>With torpor reprehensible,</div> +<div>Numb, comatose, insensible,</div> +<div class="i1">The flunkeys and the chamberlains all slumbered like the dead,</div> +<div>And snored so loud and mournfully,</div> +<div>That Charming passed them scornfully</div> +<div class="i1">And came to where a princess lay asleep upon a bed.</div> +<div>She was so extremely fair</div> +<div>That His Highness didn’t care</div> +<div class="i1">For the risk, and so he kissed her ere a single word he spoke:—</div> +<div>In a jiffy maids and pages,</div> +<div>Ushers, lackeys, squires, and sages,</div> +<div class="i1">As fresh as if they’d been at least</div> +<div class="i7">A week awake,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span></div> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-095a.png" width="600" height="176" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w3"> +<div class="i7">Awoke,</div> +<div>And hastened, bustled, dashed and ran</div> +<div class="i1">Up stairways and through galleries:</div> +<div>In brief, they one and all began</div> +<div class="i1">Again to earn their salaries!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-095b.png" width="600" height="452" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span>Aroused from her paralysis,</div> +<div>As if in deep analysis</div> +<div class="i1">Of him who had awakened her, the princess met his eye:</div> +<div>Her glance at first was critical,</div> +<div>And sternly analytical.</div> +<div class="i1">And then she dropped her lashes and she gave a little sigh.</div> +<div>As he watched her, wholly dumb,</div> +<div>She observed: “You doubtless come</div> +<div class="i1">For one of two good reasons, and I’m going to ask you which.</div> +<div>Do you mean my house to harry, +Or do you propose to marry?”</div> +<div class="i1">He answered: “I may rue it,</div> +<div class="i7">But I’ll do it,</div> +<div class="i8">If you’re rich!”</div> +<div>The princess murmured with a smile:</div> +<div class="i1">“I’ve millions, at the least, to come!”</div> +<div>The prince cried: “Please excuse me, while</div> +<div class="i1">I go and get the priest to come!”</div> +</div> + + + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><em>The Moral</em>: When affairs go ill</div> +<div>The sleeping partner foots the bill.</div> +</div> + + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span><a name="chap" id="chap"></a><em>How Jack Found that Beans<br />May go Back on a Chap</em></h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div>Without the slightest basis</div> +<div>For hypochondriasis</div> +<div class="i1">A widow had forebodings which a cloud around her flung,</div> +<div>And with expression cynical</div> +<div>For half the day a clinical</div> +<div class="i1">Thermometer she held beneath her tongue.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div>Whene’er she read the papers</div> +<div>She suffered from the vapors,</div> +<div class="i1">At every tale of malady or accident she’d groan;</div> +<div>In every new and smart disease,</div> +<div>From housemaid’s knee to heart disease,</div> +<div class="i1">She recognized the symptoms as her own!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div>She had a yearning chronic</div> +<div>To try each novel tonic,</div> +<div class="i1">Elixir, panacea, lotion, opiate, and balm;</div> +<div>And from a homœopathist</div> +<div>Would change to an hydropathist,</div> +<div class="i1">And back again, with stupefying calm!</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-098.png" width="600" height="398" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 t b"> +<div>The closets of her villa</div> +<div>Were full of sarsaparilla,</div> +<div class="i1">Ammonia, digitalis, bronchial troches, soda mint.</div> +<div>Restoratives hirsutical,</div> +<div>And soaps to clean the cuticle,</div> +<div class="i1">And iodine, and peptonoids, and lint.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div>She was nervous, cataleptic,</div> +<div>And anemic, and dyspeptic:</div> +<div class="i1">Though not convinced of apoplexy, yet she had her fears.</div> +<div>She dwelt with force fanatical</div> +<div>Upon a twinge rheumatical,</div> +<div class="i1">And said she had a buzzing in her ears!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span>Now all of this bemoaning +And this grumbling and this groaning</div> +<div class="i1">The mind of Jack, her son and heir, unconscionably bored.</div> +<div>His heart completely hardening, +He gave his time to gardening,</div> +<div class="i1">For raising beans was something he adored.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/i-099.png" width="500" height="395" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span> +Each hour in accents morbid</div> +<div>This limp maternal bore bid</div> +<div class="i1">Her callous son affectionate and lachrymose good-bys.</div> +<div>She never granted Jack a day</div> +<div>Without some long “Alackaday!”</div> +<div class="i1">Accompanied by rolling of the eyes.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div>But Jack, no panic showing,</div> +<div>Just watched his beanstalk growing,</div> +<div class="i1">And twined with tender fingers the tendrils up the pole.</div> +<div>At all her words funereal</div> +<div>He smiled a smile ethereal,</div> +<div class="i1">Or sighed an absent-minded “Bless my soul!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span>That hollow-hearted creature</div> +<div>Would never change a feature:</div> +<div class="i1">No tear bedimmed his eye, however touching was her talk.</div> +<div>She never fussed or flurried him,</div> +<div>The only thing that worried him</div> +<div class="i1">Was when no bean-pods grew upon the stalk!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w3 b"> +<div>But then he wabbled loosely +His head, and wept profusely,</div> +<div class="i1">And, taking out his handkerchief to mop away his tears,</div> +<div>Exclaimed: “It hasn’t got any!”</div> +<div>He found this blow to botany</div> +<div class="i1">Was sadder than were all his mother’s fears.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span><em>The Moral</em> is that gardeners pine</div> +<div>Whene’er no pods adorn the vine.</div> +<div>Of all sad words experience gleans</div> +<div>The saddest are: “It <em>might</em> have beans.”</div> +<div class="i1">(I did not make this up myself:</div> +<div class="i1">’Twas in a book upon my shelf.</div> +<div class="i1">It’s witty, but I don’t deny</div> +<div class="i1">It’s rather Whittier than I!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-102.png" width="300" height="287" alt="It might have beans!" title="" /> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span><a name="booted" id="booted"></a><em>How a Cat Was Annoyed and<br />a Poet Was Booted</em></h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft"> +<div>A poet had a cat.</div> +<div>There is nothing odd in that—</div> +<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> make a little pun about the <em>Mews</em>!)</div> +<div>But what is really more</div> +<div>Remarkable, she wore</div> +<div class="i1">A pair of pointed patent-leather shoes.</div> +<div class="i2">And I doubt me greatly whether</div> +<div class="i3">E’er you heard the like of that:</div> +<div class="i2">Pointed shoes of patent-leather</div> +<div class="i8">On a cat!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figright b" style="width: 200px;"> +<img src="images/i-103.png" width="200" height="159" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>His time he used to pass</div> +<div>Writing sonnets, on the grass—</div> +<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> say something good on <em>pen</em> and <em>sward</em>!)</div> +<div>While the cat sat near at hand,</div> +<div>Trying hard to understand</div> +<div class="i1">The poems he occasionally roared.</div> +<div class="i2">(I myself possess a feline,</div> +<div class="i3">But when poetry I roar</div> +<div class="i2">He is sure to make a bee-line</div> +<div class="i8">For the door.)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span>The poet, cent by cent,</div> +<div>All his patrimony spent—</div> +<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> tell how he went from <em>werse</em> to <em>werse</em>!)</div> +<div>Till the cat was sure she could,</div> +<div>By advising, do him good</div> +<div class="i1">So addressed him in a manner that was terse:</div> +<div class="i2o">“We are bound toward the scuppers,</div> +<div class="i3">And the time has come to act,</div> +<div class="i2">Or we’ll both be on our uppers</div> +<div class="i8">For a fact!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>On her boot she fixed her eye,</div> +<div>But the boot made no reply—</div> +<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> say: “Couldn’t speak to save <em>its sole</em>!”)</div> +<div>And the foolish bard, instead</div> +<div>Of responding, only read</div> +<div class="i1">A verse that wasn’t bad upon the whole:</div> +<div class="i2">And it pleased the cat so greatly,</div> +<div class="i3">Though she knew not what it meant,</div> +<div class="i2">That I’ll quote approximately</div> +<div class="i8">How it went:—</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div class="o">“If I should live to be</div> +<div>The last leaf upon the tree”—</div> +<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> put in: “I think I’d just as <em>leaf</em>!”)</div> +<div class="o">“Let them smile, as I do now,</div> +<div>At the old forsaken bough”—</div> +<div class="i1">Well, he’d plagiarized it bodily, in brief!</div> +<div class="i2">But that cat of simple breeding</div> +<div class="i3">Couldn’t read the lines between,</div> +<div class="i2">So she took it to a leading</div> +<div class="i8">Magazine.</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-105a.png" width="200" height="191" alt="EDITOR" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2"> +<div>She was jarred and very sore</div> +<div>When they showed her to the door.</div> +<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> hit off the <em>door</em> that was <em>a jar</em>!)</div> +<div>To the spot she swift returned</div> +<div>Where the poet sighed and yearned,</div> +<div class="i1">And she told him that he’d gone a little far.</div> +<div class="i2o">“Your performance with this rhyme has</div> +<div class="i3">Made me absolutely sick,”</div> +<div class="i2">She remarked. “I think the time has</div> +<div class="i8">Come to kick!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;"> +<img src="images/i-105b.png" width="200" height="150" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span> +I could fill up half the page</div> +<div>With descriptions of her rage—</div> +<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> say that she went a bit <em>too fur</em>!)</div> +<div>When he smiled and murmured: “Shoo!”</div> +<div class="o">“There is one thing I can do!”</div> +<div class="i1">She answered with a wrathful kind of purr.</div> +<div class="i2o">“You may shoo me, and it suit you,</div> +<div class="i3">But I feel my conscience bid</div> +<div class="i2">Me, as tit for tat, to boot you!”</div> +<div class="i8">(Which she did.)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-106.png" width="300" height="222" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w t b"> +<div><em>The Moral</em> of the plot</div> +<div>(Though I say it, as should not!)</div> +<div class="i1">Is: An editor is difficult to suit.</div> +<div>But again there’re other times</div> +<div>When the man who fashions rhymes</div> +<div class="i1">Is a rascal, and a bully one to boot!</div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span><a name="cap" id="cap"></a><em>How Much Fortunatus Could<br />Do with a Cap</em></h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>Fortunatus, a fisherman Dane,</div> +<div>Set out on a sudden for Spain,</div> +<div class="i1">Because, runs the story,</div> +<div class="i1">He’d met with a hoary</div> +<div class="i3">Mysterious sorcerer chap,</div> +<div class="i1">Who, trouble to save him,</div> +<div class="i1">Most thoughtfully gave him</div> +<div class="i3">A magical traveling cap.</div> +<div>I barely believe that the story is true,</div> +<div>But here’s what that cap was reported to do.</div> +</div> + + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-108.png" width="300" height="345" alt="MON DIEU!" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> +<div>Suppose you were sitting at home,</div> +<div>And you wished to see Paris or Rome,</div> +<div class="i1">You’d pick up that bonnet,</div> +<div class="i1">You’d carefully don it,</div> +<div class="i3">The name of the city you’d call,</div> +<div class="i1">And the very next minute</div> +<div class="i1">By Jove, you were in it,</div> +<div class="i3">Without having started at all!</div> +<div>One moment you sauntered on upper Broadway,</div> +<div>And the next on the Corso or rue de la Paix!</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-109.png" width="400" height="580" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="caption four2"> +<div>This shows Fortunatus, a restlessness feeling,</div> +<div>Forsaking his fishing, and leaving his ceiling.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span></div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span> +Why, it beat every journey of Cook’s,</div> +<div>Knocked spots out of Baedeker’s books!</div> +<div class="i1">He stepped from his doorway</div> +<div class="i1">Direct into Norway,</div> +<div class="i3">He hopped in a trice to Ceylon,</div> +<div class="i1">He saw Madagascar,</div> +<div class="i1">Went round by Alaska,</div> +<div class="i3">And called on a girl in Luzon:</div> +<div>If they said she’d be down in a moment or two,</div> +<div>He took, while he waited, a peek at Peru!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>He could wake up at eight in Siam,</div> +<div>Take his tub, if he wanted, in Guam.</div> +<div class="i1">Eat breakfast in Kansas,</div> +<div class="i1">And lunch in Matanzas,</div> +<div class="i3">Go out for a walk in Brazil,</div> +<div class="i1">Take tea in Madeira,</div> +<div class="i1">Dine on the Riviera,</div> +<div class="i3"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span> +And smoke his cigar in Seville,</div> +<div>Go out to the theatre in Vladivostok,</div> +<div>And retire in New York at eleven o’clock!</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-112.png" width="500" height="467" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> +<div>Every tongue he could readily speak:</div> +<div>French, German, Italian, Greek,</div> +<div class="i1">Norwegian, Bulgarian,</div> +<div class="i1">Turkish, Bavarian,</div> +<div class="i3">Japanese, Hindustanee,</div> +<div class="i1">Russian and Mexican!</div> +<div class="i1">He was a lexicon,</div> +<div class="i3">Such as you seldom will see.</div> +<div>His knowledge linguistic gave Ollendorff fits,</div> +<div>And brought a hot flush to the face of Berlitz!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;"> +<img src="images/i-113.png" width="200" height="149" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft b"> +<div>He would bow in an intimate way</div> +<div>To Menelik and to Loubet,</div> +<div class="i1">He was frequently beckoned,</div> +<div class="i1">By William the Second,</div> +<div class="i3">A word of advice to receive,</div> +<div class="i1">He talked with bravado</div> +<div class="i1">About the Mikado,</div> +<div class="i3">King Oscar, Oom Paul, the Khedive,</div> +<div>King Victor Emmanuel Second, the Shah,</div> +<div>King Edward the Seventh, Kwang Su, and the Czar!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span> +But what did he get from it all?</div> +<div>His wife used to wait in the hall!</div> +<div class="i1">When this wandering mortal</div> +<div class="i1">Set foot on the portal,</div> +<div class="i3">She always appeared on the scene,</div> +<div class="i1">And, far from ideally,</div> +<div class="i1">Remarked: “Well, I <em>really</em></div> +<div class="i3">Would like to know where you have been!”</div> +</div> + +<div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-114.png" width="300" height="278" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flleft t"> +<div>Now what is the good of a wandering life,</div> +<div>If you have to tell all that you do to your wife?</div> +</div> + + + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>She’d indulge in a copious cry,</div> +<div>She’d remark she’d undoubtedly die,</div> +<div class="i1">Or, like many another,</div> +<div class="i1">Go back to her mother,</div> +<div class="i3">And what would the world think of <em>that</em>?</div> +<div class="i1">She only grew pleasant,</div> +<div class="i1">When offered a present</div> +<div class="i3">Of gloves or a gown or a hat:</div> +<div>And more than his talisman saved him in fare</div> +<div>Fortunatus expended in putting things square!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>And <em>The Moral</em> is easily said:</div> +<div>Like our hero, you’re certain to find,</div> +<div>When such a cap goes on a head,</div> +<div>Retribution will follow behind!</div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span><a name="sadness" id="sadness"></a><em>How a Princess Was Wooed<br />from Habitual Sadness</em></h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>In days of old the King of Saxe</div> +<div class="i1">Had singular opinions,</div> +<div>For with a weighty battle-axe</div> +<div class="i1">He brutalized his minions,</div> +<div>And, when he’d nothing to employ</div> +<div class="i1">His mind, he chose a village,</div> +<div>And with an air of savage joy</div> +<div class="i1">Delivered it to pillage.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>But what aroused within his breast</div> +<div class="i1">A rage well-nigh primeval</div> +<div>Was, most of all, his daughter, dressed</div> +<div class="i1">In fashion mediæval:</div> +<div>The gowns that pleased this maiden’s eye</div> +<div class="i1">Were simple as Utopia,</div> +<div>And for a hat she had a high</div> +<div class="i1">Inverted cornucopia.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span> +In all her life she’d never smiled,</div> +<div class="i1">Her sadness was abysmal:</div> +<div>The boisterous monarch found his child</div> +<div class="i1">Unutterably dismal.</div> +<div>He therefore said the prince who made</div> +<div class="i1">Her laughter from its shell come,</div> +<div>Besides in ducats being paid,</div> +<div class="i1">Might wed the girl, and welcome!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>I ought to say, ere I forget,</div> +<div class="i1">She was uncommon comely—</div> +<div>(Who ever read a Grimm tale yet,</div> +<div class="i1">In which the girl was homely?)</div> +<div>And so the King’s announcement drew</div> +<div class="i1">Nine princes in a column.</div> +<div>But all in vain. The princess grew,</div> +<div>If anything, more solemn.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span></div> +</div> + + + + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-117a.png" width="300" height="292" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w"> +<div>One read her “Innocents Abroad,”</div> +<div class="i1">The next wore clothes eccentric,</div> +<div>The third one swallowed half his sword,</div> +<div class="i1">As in the circus-tent trick.</div> +<div>Thus eight of them into her cool</div> +<div class="i1">Reserve but deeper shoved her:</div> +<div>There was but one authentic fool—</div> +<div class="i1">The prince who really loved her!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-117b.png" width="300" height="319" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span> +He’d alternate between the height</div> +<div class="i1">Of hope and deep abasement,</div> +<div>He caught distressing colds at night,</div> +<div class="i1">By watching ’neath her casement:</div> +<div>He did what I have done, I know,</div> +<div class="i1">And you, I do not doubt it,—</div> +<div>Instead of bottling up his woe,</div> +<div class="i1">He bored his friends about it!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>In brooding on the ways of Fate</div> +<div class="i1">Long hours he daily wasted,</div> +<div>His food remained upon his plate,</div> +<div class="i1">’Twas scarcely touched or tasted:</div> +<div>He said the bitter things of love,</div> +<div class="i1">All lovers, save a few, say,</div> +<div>And learned by heart the verses of</div> +<div class="i1">Swinburne, and A. de Musset!</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-119.png" width="400" height="363" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>This attitude his wished-for bride</div> +<div class="i1">To silent laughter goaded,</div> +<div>Until he talked of suicide,</div> +<div class="i1">And then the girl exploded!</div> +<div class="o">“You make me laugh, and so,” she said,</div> +<div class="i1">“I’ll marry you next season.”</div> +<div>(Not half the people who are wed</div> +<div class="i1">Have half so good a reason!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span> +<em>The Moral</em>: The deliberate clown</div> +<div>Can never beat love’s barriers down:</div> +<div>’Tis better to be like the owl,</div> +<div>Comic because so grave a fowl.</div> +<div>From him we well may take our cue—</div> +<div>By him be taught, to wit, to woo!</div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span><a name="far" id="far"></a><em>How a Girl was too Reckless<br />of Grammar by Far</em></h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>Matilda Maud Mackenzie frankly hadn’t any chin,</div> +<div>Her hands were rough, her feet she turned invariably in;</div> +<div class="i2">Her general form was German,</div> +<div class="i3">By which I mean that you</div> +<div class="i2">Her waist could not determine</div> +<div class="i3">To within a foot or two:</div> +<div>And not only did she stammer,</div> +<div>But she used the kind of grammar</div> +<div class="i2">That is called, for sake of euphony, askew.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>From what I say about her, don’t imagine I desire</div> +<div>A prejudice against this worthy creature to inspire.</div> +<div class="i2">She was willing, she was active,</div> +<div class="i3">She was sober, she was kind,</div> +<div class="i2">But she <em>never</em> looked attractive</div> +<div class="i3">And she <em>hadn’t</em> any mind!</div> +<div>I knew her more than slightly,</div> +<div>And I treated her politely</div> +<div class="i2">When I met her, but of course I wasn’t blind!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span>Matilda Maud Mackenzie had a habit that was droll,</div> +<div>She spent her morning seated on a rock or on a knoll,</div> +<div class="i2">And threw with much composure</div> +<div class="i3"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span> +A smallish rubber ball</div> +<div class="i2">At an inoffensive osier</div> +<div class="i3">By a little waterfall;</div> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span> +But Matilda’s way of throwing</div> +<div>Was like other people’s mowing,</div> +<div class="i2">And she never hit the willow-tree at all!</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-125.jpg" width="600" height="706" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="caption four2"> +<div>This serves in the easiest way to explain</div> +<div>What is meant by taking an aim in vain.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span></div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span> +One day as Miss Mackenzie with uncommon ardor tried</div> +<div>To hit the mark, the missile flew exceptionally wide,</div> +<div class="i2">And, before her eyes astounded,</div> +<div class="i3">On a fallen maple’s trunk</div> +<div class="i2">Ricochetted, and rebounded</div> +<div class="i3">In the rivulet, and sunk!</div> +<div>Matilda, greatly frightened,</div> +<div>In her grammar unenlightened,</div> +<div class="i2">Remarked: “Well now I ast yer! Who’d ’er thunk?”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flright"> +<div>But what a marvel followed! From the pool at once there rose</div> +<div>A frog, the sphere of rubber balanced deftly on his nose.</div> +<div class="i2">He beheld her fright and frenzy,</div> +<div class="i3">And, her panic to dispel,</div> +<div class="i2">On his knee by Miss Mackenzie</div> +<div class="i3">He obsequiously fell.</div> +<div>With quite as much decorum</div> +<div>As a speaker in a forum</div> +<div class="i2">He started in his history to tell.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figleft b" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-127.png" width="300" height="291" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div class="o"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span> +“Fair maid,” he said, “I beg you, do not hesitate or wince,</div> +<div>If you’ll promise that you’ll wed me, I’ll at once become a prince;</div> +<div class="i2">For a fairy old and vicious</div> +<div class="i3">An enchantment round me spun!”</div> +<div class="i2">Then he looked up, unsuspicious,</div> +<div class="i3">And he saw what he had won,</div> +<div>And in terms of sad reproach he</div> +<div>Made some comments, <em>sotto voce</em>,*</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div class="center">* (Which the publishers have bidden me to shun!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span> +Matilda Maud Mackenzie said, as if she meant to scold:</div> +<div class="o">“I <em>never</em>! Why, you forward thing! Now ain’t you awful bold!”</div> +<div class="i2">Just a glance he paused to give her,</div> +<div class="i3">And his head was seen to clutch,</div> +<div class="i2">Then he darted to the river,</div> +<div class="i3">And he dived to beat the Dutch!</div> +<div>While the wrathful maiden panted:</div> +<div class="o">“I don’t think he was enchanted!”</div> +<div class="i2">(And he really didn’t look it overmuch!)</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/i-129.png" width="400" height="258" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><em>The Moral</em>: In one’s language one conservative should be:</div> +<div>Speech is silver, and it never should be free!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span></div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span><a name="madness" id="madness"></a> +<em>How the Peaceful Aladdin<br /> +Gave Way to His Madness</em></h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/i-130.png" width="500" height="522" alt="2098" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>His name was Aladdin.</div> +<div>The clothes he was clad in</div> +<div class="i1">Proclaimed him an Arab at sight,</div> +<div>And he had for a chum</div> +<div>An uncommonly rum</div> +<div class="i1">Old afreet, six cubits in height.</div> +<div>This person infernal,</div> +<div>Who seemed so fraternal,</div> +<div class="i1">At bottom was frankly a scamp:</div> +<div>His future to sadden,</div> +<div>He gave to Aladdin</div> +<div class="i1">A wonderful magical lamp.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span> +A marvel he dubbed it.</div> +<div>He said if one rubbed it</div> +<div class="i1">One’s wishes were done on the spot.</div> +<div>Now what would you do</div> +<div>Were it offered to you?</div> +<div class="i1">Refuse it undoubtedly (not)!</div> +<div>It’s thus comprehensive</div> +<div>With pleasure extensive</div> +<div class="i1">Aladdin accepted the gift,</div> +<div>And, by it befriended,</div> +<div>Erected a splendid</div> +<div class="i1">Château, with a bath and a lift!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span> +Not dreaming of malice,</div> +<div>One year in his palace</div> +<div class="i1">He led a luxurious life,</div> +<div>Till his genius dread</div> +<div>Put it into his head</div> +<div class="i1">That he needed a beautiful wife.</div> +<div>Responding to friction,</div> +<div>The lamp this affliction</div> +<div class="i1">At once for Aladdin secured;</div> +<div>The latter, delighted,</div> +<div>Imagined he sighted</div> +<div class="i1">A future of quiet assured.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div>When gladly he chose her,</div> +<div>He didn’t suppose her</div> +<div class="i1">A philatelist, always agape</div> +<div>For novelties, yet</div> +<div>She had all of the set</div> +<div class="i1">Of triangular stamps of the Cape.</div> +<div>Some people malicious</div> +<div>Proclaimed her Mauritius</div> +<div class="i1">One-penny vermilion a sell.</div> +<div>But that was all rot. It</div> +<div>Was true she had got it,</div> +<div class="i1">And the tuppenny blue one as well!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span> +Since thus she collected,</div> +<div>As might be expected,</div> +<div class="i1">She didn’t for <em>bric-à-brac</em> care,</div> +<div>So she traded the lamp</div> +<div>For an Ecuador stamp</div> +<div class="i1">That somebody told her was rare!</div> +<div>This act served to madden</div> +<div>The mind of Aladdin,</div> +<div class="i1">But, ’spite of his impotent wrath,</div> +<div>His manor-house vanished,</div> +<div>To nothingness banished,</div> +<div>And while he was taking a bath!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/i-134.png" width="400" height="329" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span> +The average Arab</div> +<div>Is hard as a scarab</div> +<div class="i1">When some one has wounded his pride,</div> +<div>So he jumped up and down,</div> +<div>With a cynical frown,</div> +<div class="i1">On the <em>face</em> of his beautiful bride!</div> +<div>He had picked up a cargo</div> +<div>Of curious <em>argot</em></div> +<div class="i1">While living in Paris the gay;</div> +<div>In the slang of that city</div> +<div>He cried without pity:</div> +<div class="i1"><em>“Comme ça tu me fich’ras la paix!”</em></div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/i-135.png" width="500" height="361" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span> +<em>The Moral:</em> When stamps you’re adept on</div> +<div class="i1">Of risks you are reckless, and yet</div> +<div>Beware! If your face is once stepped on,</div> +<div class="i1">That’s the last stamp you’re likely to get!</div> +</div> + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span><a name="jar" id="jar"></a><em>How a Fisherman Corked<br />up His Foe in a Jar</em></h2> + +<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;"> +<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>A fisherman lived on the shore,</div> +<div class="i1">(It’s a habit that fishers affect,)</div> +<div>And his life was a hideous bore:</div> +<div class="i1">He had nothing to do but collect</div> +<div>Continual harvests of seaweed and shells,</div> +<div class="i1">Which he stuck upon photograph frames,</div> +<div>To sell to the guests in the summer hotels</div> +<div class="i1">With the quite inappropriate names!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<img src="images/i-137.png" width="500" height="335" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span> +He would wander along by the edge</div> +<div class="i1">Of the sea, and I know for a fact</div> +<div>From the pools with a portable dredge</div> +<div class="i1">He would curious creatures extract:</div> +<div>And, during the season, he always took lots</div> +<div class="i1">Of tourists out fishing for bass,</div> +<div>And showed them politely impossible spots,</div> +<div class="i1">In the culpable way of his class.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"> +<img src="images/i-138.png" width="300" height="235" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b"> +<div>It happened one day, as afar</div> +<div class="i1">He roved on the glistening strand,</div> +<div>That he chanced on a curious jar,</div> +<div class="i1">Which lay on a hummock of sand.</div> +<div>It was closed at the mouth with a cork and a seal,</div> +<div class="i1">And over the top there was tied</div> +<div>A cloth, and the fisherman couldn’t but feel</div> +<div class="i1">That he ought to see what was inside.</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-139.jpg" width="600" height="706" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<div class="caption four2"> +<div>This shows us the fisher beginning to blow</div> +<div>Of preserving himself while he pickled his foe.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span></div> +</div> + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span> +But what were his fear and surprise</div> +<div class="i1">When the stopper he held in his hand!</div> +<div>For a genie of singular size</div> +<div class="i1">Appeared in a trice on the sand,</div> +<div>Who said in the roughest and rudest of tones:</div> +<div class="i1">“A monster you’ve foolishly freed!</div> +<div>I shall simply make way with you, body and bones,</div> +<div>And that with phenomenal speed!”</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>The fisherman looked in his face,</div> +<div class="i1">And answered him boldly: “My friend,</div> +<div>How you ever were packed in that space</div> +<div class="i1">Is something I don’t comprehend.</div> +<div>Pray do me the favor to show me how you</div> +<div class="i1">Can do it, as large as you are.”</div> +<div>The genie retorted: “That’s just what I’ll do!”</div> +<div>And promptly reëntered the jar.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div>The fisherman corked him up tight:</div> +<div class="i1">The genie protested and raved,</div> +<div>But for all he accomplished, he might</div> +<div class="i1">As well all his shouting have saved.</div> +<div>And, whenever a generous bonus is paid,</div> +<div class="i1">The fisherman willingly tells</div> +<div>The singular tale of this trick that he played,</div> +<div>To the guests in the summer hotels.</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w2 b"> +<div><em>The Moral</em>: When fortune you strike,</div> +<div class="i1">And you’ve slipped through a dangerous crack,</div> +<div>Get as forward as ever you like,</div> +<div class="i1">But never, oh, <em>never</em> get back!</div> +</div> + + +<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span><a name="envoi" id="envoi"></a><em>Envoi</em></h2> + +<div class="verse flleft b"> +<div>Now don’t go and say you’d a dim</div> +<div class="i1">Idea of these stories before,</div> +<div>For I’ve frankly confessed them from Grimm,</div> +<div class="i1">The monarch of magical lore:</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flright b"> +<div>And if, by repeating, I took</div> +<div class="i1">Your time, I will candidly vow</div> +<div><em>This</em> moral (the last in the book)</div> +<div class="i1">Has never been published till now!</div> +</div> + + +<div class="verse flcenter w b"> +<div><em>The Moral</em>: The skeleton’s Grimm,</div> +<div class="i1">But I have supplied the apparel,</div> +<div>So it’s fifty per cent, of it Him,</div> +<div class="i1">And it’s fifty per cent. of it Carryl.</div> +<div>But still (from the personal severing,</div> +<div class="i1">For it isn’t my nature to grump,)</div> +<div>I acknowledge a measure of Levering</div> +<div class="i1">Levering-ed the whole of the lump!</div> +</div> + + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span> +<img src="images/i-143.jpg" width="600" height="498" alt="GRIM'S GRIST MILL" title="" /> +</div> + +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project 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