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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Grimm Tales Made Gay, by Guy Wetmore Carryl
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Grimm Tales Made Gay
+
+Author: Guy Wetmore Carryl
+
+Illustrator: Albert Levering
+
+Release Date: October 13, 2007 [EBook #23024]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRIMM TALES MADE GAY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Edwards, Jacqueline Jeremy and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  GRIMM TALES MADE GAY
+  By GUY WETMORE CARRYL
+
+  With GAY PICTURES
+  By ALBERT LEVERING
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows the sword that Blue-Beard used full sore,
+                 After he'd led his young wife to a door._]
+
+
+
+
+  GRIMM TALES MADE GAY
+  By GUY WETMORE CARRYL
+
+  AUTHOR OF
+  THIS   AND MANY   OTHER   THINGS!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  PICTURES BY
+  ALBERT LEVERING
+
+  ARTIST OF
+  THAT   THE OTHER   AND THIS
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  BOSTON & NEW YORK
+  HOUGHTON, MIFFLIN & Co.
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY GUY
+  WETMORE CARRYL AND
+  ALBERT LEVERING
+  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
+
+  _Published in October, 1902_
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  TO CHARLES WALTON OGDEN
+
+
+
+
+  NOTE
+
+
+  _I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission of
+  the editors to reprint in this form such of these verses as were
+  originally published in Harper's Magazine, The Century, Life, The
+  Smart Set, The Saturday Evening Post, The Home Magazine, and the
+  London Tatler.
+             G. W. C._
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  The Contents
+
+  HOW THE BABES IN THE WOOD SHOWED THEY COULDN'T BE BEATEN
+
+    HOW FAIR CINDERELLA DISPOSED OF HER SHOE
+
+  HOW LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD CAME TO BE EATEN
+
+    HOW THE FATUOUS WISH OF A PEASANT CAME TRUE
+
+  HOW HOP O' MY THUMB GOT RID OF AN ONUS
+
+    HOW THE HELPMATE OF BLUE-BEARD MADE FREE WITH A DOOR
+
+  HOW RUMPLESTILZ HELD OUT IN VAIN FOR A BONUS
+
+    HOW JACK MADE THE GIANTS UNCOMMONLY SORE
+
+  HOW RUDENESS AND KINDNESS WERE JUSTLY REWARDED
+
+    HOW BEAUTY CONTRIVED TO GET SQUARE WITH THE BEAST
+
+  HOW A FAIR ONE NO HOPE TO HIS HIGHNESS ACCORDED
+
+    HOW THOMAS A MAID FROM A DRAGON RELEASED
+
+  HOW A BEAUTY WAS WAKED AND HER SUITOR WAS SUITED
+
+    HOW JACK FOUND THAT BEANS MAY GO BACK ON A CHAP
+
+  HOW A CAT WAS ANNOYED AND A POET WAS BOOTED
+
+    HOW MUCH FORTUNATUS COULD DO WITH A CAP
+
+  HOW A PRINCESS WAS WOOED FROM HABITUAL SADNESS
+
+    HOW A GIRL WAS TOO RECKLESS OF GRAMMAR BY FAR
+
+  HOW THE PEACEFUL ALADDIN GAVE WAY TO HIS MADNESS
+
+    HOW A FISHERMAN CORKED UP HIS FOE IN A JAR
+
+  ENVOI
+
+
+
+
+  _How the Babes in the Wood Showed They Couldn't be Beaten_
+
+
+  A man of kind and noble mind
+    Was H. Gustavus Hyde.
+  'Twould be amiss to add to this
+    At present, for he died,
+  In full possession of his senses,
+  The day before my tale commences.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  One half his gold his four-year-old
+    Son Paul was known to win,
+  And Beatrix, whose age was six,
+    For all the rest came in,
+  Perceiving which, their Uncle Ben did
+  A thing that people said was splendid.
+
+  For by the hand he took them, and
+    Remarked in accents smooth:
+  "One thing I ask. Be mine the task
+    These stricken babes to soothe!
+  My country home is really charming:
+  I'll teach them all the joys of farming."
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  One halcyon week they fished his creek,
+    And watched him do the chores,
+  In haylofts hid, and, shouting, slid
+    Down sloping cellar doors:--
+  Because this life to bliss was equal
+  The more distressing is the sequel.
+
+  Concealing guile beneath a smile,
+    He took them to a wood,
+  And, with severe and most austere
+    Injunctions to be good,
+  He left them seated on a gateway,
+  And took his own departure straightway.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Though much afraid, the children stayed
+    From ten till nearly eight;
+  At times they wept, at times they slept,
+    But never left the gate:
+  Until the swift suspicion crossed them
+  That Uncle Benjamin had lost them.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Then, quite unnerved, young Paul observed:
+    "It's like a dreadful dream,
+  And Uncle Ben has fallen ten
+    Per cent. in my esteem.
+  Not only did he first usurp us,
+  But now he's left us here on purpose!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  For countless years their childish fears
+    Have made the reader pale,
+  For countless years the public's tears
+    Have started at the tale,
+  For countless years much detestation
+  Has been expressed for their relation.
+
+  So draw a veil across the dale
+    Where stood that ghastly gate.
+  No need to tell. You know full well
+    What was their touching fate,
+  And how with leaves each little dead breast
+  Was covered by a Robin Redbreast!
+
+  But when they found them on the ground,
+    Although their life had ceased,
+  Quite near to Paul there lay a small
+    White paper, neatly creased.
+  "_Because of lack of any merit,
+  B. Hyde_," it ran, "_we disinherit_!"
+
+
+  _The Moral_: If you deeply long
+  To punish one who's done you wrong,
+  Though in your lifetime fail you may,
+  Where there's a will, there is a way!
+
+
+
+
+  _How Fair Cinderella Disposed of Her Shoe_
+
+
+  The vainest girls in forty states
+  Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates;
+  They warbled, slightly off the air,
+    Romantic German songs,
+  And each of them upon her hair
+    Employed the curling tongs,
+  And each with ardor most intense
+    Her buxom figure laced,
+  Until her wilful want of sense
+    Procured a woeful waist:
+  For bound to marry titled mates
+  Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Yet, truth to tell, the swains were few
+  Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).
+  So morning, afternoon, and night
+    Upon their sister they
+  Were wont to vent their selfish spite,
+    And in the rudest way:
+  For though her name was Leonore,
+    That's neither there nor here,
+  They called her Cinderella, for
+    The kitchen was her sphere,
+  Save when the hair she had to do
+  Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Each night to dances and to _fêtes_
+  Went Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates,
+  And Cinderella watched them go
+    In silks and satins clad:
+  A prince invited them, and so
+    They put on all they had!
+  But one fine night, as all alone
+    She watched the flames leap higher,
+  A small and stooping fairy crone
+    Stept nimbly from the fire.
+  Said she: "The pride upon me grates
+  Of Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates."
+
+  "I'll now," she added, with a frown,
+  "Call Gwendolyn and Gladys down!"
+  And, ere your fingers you could snap,
+    There stood before the door
+  No paltry hired horse and trap,
+    Oh, no!--a coach and four!
+  And Cinderella, fitted out
+    Regardless of expense,
+  Made both her sisters look about
+    Like thirty-seven cents!
+  The prince, with one look at her gown,
+  Turned Gwendolyn and Gladys down!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Wall-flowers, when thus compared with her,
+  Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.
+  The prince but gave them glances hard,
+    No gracious word he said;
+  He scratched their names from off his card,
+    And wrote hers down instead:
+  And where he would bestow his hand
+    He showed them in a trice
+  By handing her the kisses, and
+    To each of them an ice!
+  In sudden need of fire and fur
+  Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  At ten o'clock, in discontent,
+  Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.
+  Their sister stayed till after two,
+    And, with a joy sincere,
+  The prince obtained her crystal shoe
+    By way of souvenir.
+  "Upon the bridal path," he cried,
+    "We'll reign together! Since
+  I love you, you must be my bride!"
+    (He was no slouch, that prince!)
+  And into sudden languishment
+  Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.
+
+
+  _The Moral_: All the girls on earth
+  Exaggerate their proper worth.
+  They think the very shoes they wear
+  Are worth the average millionaire;
+  Whereas few pairs in any town
+  Can be half-sold for half a crown!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  _How Little Red Riding Hood Came to be Eaten_
+
+
+  Most worthy of praise
+  Were the virtuous ways
+    Of Little Red Riding Hood's Ma,
+  And no one was ever
+  More cautious and clever
+    Than Little Red Riding Hood's Pa.
+  They never misled,
+  For they meant what they said,
+    And would frequently say what they meant,
+  And the way she should go
+  They were careful to show,
+    And the way that they showed her, she went.
+  For obedience she was effusively thanked,
+  And for anything else she was carefully spanked.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  It thus isn't strange
+  That Red Riding Hood's range
+    Of virtues so steadily grew,
+  That soon she won prizes
+  Of different sizes,
+    And golden encomiums, too!
+  As a general rule
+  She was head of her school,
+    And at six was so notably smart
+  That they gave her a cheque
+  For reciting "The Wreck
+    Of the Hesperus," wholly by heart!
+  And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure,
+  When I add that this money she gave to the poor.
+
+  At eleven this lass
+  Had a Sunday-school class,
+    At twelve wrote a volume of verse,
+  At thirteen was yearning
+  For glory, and learning
+    To be a professional nurse.
+  To a glorious height
+  The young paragon might
+    Have grown, if not nipped in the bud,
+  But the following year
+  Struck her smiling career
+    With a dull and a sickening thud!
+  (I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain,
+  And must copy my manuscript over again!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Not dreaming of harm,
+  One day on her arm
+    A basket she hung. It was filled
+  With jellies, and ices,
+  And gruel, and spices,
+    And chicken-legs, carefully grilled,
+  And a savory stew,
+  And a novel or two
+    She'd persuaded a neighbor to loan,
+  And a hot-water can,
+  And a Japanese fan,
+    And a bottle of _eau-de-cologne_,
+  And the rest of the things that your family fill
+  Your room with, whenever you chance to be ill!
+
+  She expected to find
+  Her decrepit but kind
+    Old Grandmother waiting her call,
+  But the visage that met her
+  Completely upset her:
+    It wasn't familiar at all!
+  With a whitening cheek
+  She started to speak,
+    But her peril she instantly saw:--
+  Her Grandma had fled,
+  And she'd tackled instead
+    Four merciless Paws and a Maw!
+  When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue,
+  He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood's, too!)
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows the bad wolf that came out of the wood,
+                 And proved by his actions to be robbin' Hood._]
+
+  At this terrible tale
+  Some readers will pale,
+    And others with horror grow dumb,
+  And yet it was better,
+  I fear, he should get her:
+    Just think what she might have become!
+  For an infant so keen
+  Might in future have been
+    A woman of awful renown,
+  Who carried on fights
+  For her feminine rights
+    As the Mare of an Arkansas town.
+  She might have continued the crime of her 'teens,
+  And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral_: There's nothing much glummer
+    Than children whose talents appall:
+  One much prefers those who are dumber,
+    But as for the paragons small,
+  If a swallow cannot make a summer
+    It can bring on a summary fall!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  _How the Fatuous Wish of a Peasant Came True_
+
+
+  An excellent peasant,
+  Of character pleasant,
+    Once lived in a hut with his wife.
+  He was cheerful and docile,
+  But such an old fossil
+    You wouldn't meet twice in your life.
+  His notions were all without reason or rhyme,
+  Such dullness in any one else were a crime,
+    But the folly pig-headed
+  To which he was wedded
+  Was so deep imbedded,
+        it touched the sublime!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He frequently stated
+  Such quite antiquated
+    And singular doctrines as these:
+  _"Do good unto others!
+  All men are your brothers!"_
+    (Of course he forgot the Chinese!)
+  He said that all men were made equal and free,
+  (That's true if they're born on _our_ side of the sea!)
+    That truth should be spoken,
+  And pledges unbroken:
+  (Now where, by that token,
+        would most of us be?)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  One day, as his pottage
+  He ate in his cottage,
+    A fairy stepped up to the door;
+  Upon it she hammered,
+  And meekly she stammered:
+    "A morsel of food I implore."
+  He gave her sardines, and a biscuit or two,
+  And she said in reply, when her luncheon was through,
+    "In return for these dishes
+  Of bread and of fishes
+  The first of your wishes
+        I'll make to come true!"
+
+  That nincompoop peasant
+  Accepted the present,
+    (As most of us probably would,)
+  And, thinking her bounty
+  To turn to account, he
+    Said: "_Now_ I'll do somebody good!
+  I won't ask a thing for myself or my wife,
+  But I'll make all my neighbors with happiness rife.
+    Whate'er their conditions,
+    Henceforward, physicians
+    And indispositions
+        they're rid of for life!"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  These words energetic
+  The fairy's prophetic
+    Announcement brought instantly true:
+  With singular quickness
+  Each victim of sickness
+    Was made over, better than new,
+  And people who formerly thought they were doomed
+  With almost obstreperous healthiness bloomed,
+    And each had some platitude,
+    Teeming with gratitude,
+    For the new attitude
+        life had assumed.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Our friend's satisfaction
+  Concerning his action
+    Was keen, but exceedingly brief.
+  The wrathful condition
+  Of every physician
+    In town was surpassing belief!
+  Professional nurses were plunged in despair,
+  And chemists shook passionate fists in the air:
+    They called at his dwelling,
+    With violence swelling,
+    His greeting repelling
+        with arrogant stare.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  They beat and they battered,
+  They slammed and they shattered,
+    And did him such serious harm,
+  That, after their labors,
+  His wife told the neighbors
+    They'd caused her excessive alarm!
+  They then set to work on his various ills,
+  And plied him with liniments, powders, and pills,
+    And charged him so dearly
+    That all of them nearly
+    Made double the yearly
+        amount of their bills.
+
+
+  _This Moral_ by the tale is taught:--
+  The wish is father to the thought.
+  (We'd oftentimes escape the worst
+  If but the thinking part came first!)
+
+
+
+
+  How Hop O' My Thumb Got Rid of an Onus
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  A worthy couple, man and wife,
+  Dragged on a discontented life:
+    The reason, I should state,
+  That it was destitute of joys,
+  Was that they had a dozen boys
+    To feed and educate,
+  And nothing such patience demands
+  As having twelve boys on your hands!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  For twenty years they tried their best
+  To keep those urchins neatly dressed
+    And teach them to be good,
+  But so much labor it involved
+  That, in the end, they both resolved
+    To lose them in a wood,
+  Though nothing a parent annoys
+  Like heartlessly losing his boys!
+
+  So when their sons had gone to bed,
+  Though bitter tears the couple shed,
+    They laid their little plan.
+  "_Faut b'en que ça s'fasse. Quand même_,"
+  The woman said, "_J'en suis tout' blème._"
+    "_Ça colle!_" observed the man,
+  "_Mais ça coute, que ces gosses fichus!
+  B'en, quoi! Faut qu'i's soient perdus!_"
+
+  (I've quite omitted to explain
+  That they were natives of Touraine;
+    I see I must translate.)
+  "Of course it must be done, and still,"
+  The wife remarked, "it makes me ill."
+    "You bet!" replied her mate:
+  "But we've both of us counted the cost,
+  And the kids simply _have_ to be lost!"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  But, while they plotted, every word
+  The youngest of the urchins heard,
+    And winked the other eye;
+  His height was only two feet three.
+  (I might remark, in passing, he
+    Was little, but O My!)
+  He added: "I'd better keep mum."
+  (He was foxy, was Hop O' My Thumb!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  They took the boys into the wood,
+  And lost them, as they said they should,
+    And came in silence back.
+  Alas for them! Hop O' My Thumb
+  At every step had dropped a crumb,
+    And so retraced the track.
+  While the parents sat mourning their fate
+  He led the boys in at the gate!
+
+  He placed his hand upon his heart,
+  And said: "You think you're awful smart,
+    But I have foiled you thus!"
+  His parents humbly bent the knee,
+  And meekly said: "H. O. M. T.,
+    You're one too much for us!"
+  And both of them solemnly swore
+  "We won't never do so no more!"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral_ is: While I do not
+  Endeavor to condone the plot,
+    I still maintain that one
+  Should have no chance of being foiled,
+  And having one's arrangements spoiled
+    By one's ingenious son.
+  If you turn down your children, with pain,
+  Take care they don't turn up again!
+
+
+
+
+  How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard Made Free with a Door
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  A maiden from the Bosphorus,
+  With eyes as bright as phosphorus,
+    Once wed the wealthy bailiff
+                    Of the caliph
+                          Of Kelat.
+  Though diligent and zealous, he
+  Became a slave to jealousy.
+    (Considering her beauty,
+                    'Twas his duty
+                          To be that!)
+
+  When business would necessitate
+  A journey, he would hesitate,
+    But, fearing to disgust her,
+                    He would trust her
+                          With his keys,
+  Remarking to her prayerfully:
+  "I beg you'll use them carefully.
+    Don't look what I deposit
+                    In that closet,
+                          If you please."
+
+  It may be mentioned, casually,
+  That blue as lapis lazuli
+    He dyed his hair, his lashes,
+                    His mustaches,
+                          And his beard.
+  And, just because he did it, he
+  Aroused his wife's timidity:
+    Her terror she dissembled,
+                    But she trembled
+                          When he neared.
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows how grim Blue-Beard, when bound on a bat,
+                 Instructed his wife on the key of a flat!_]
+
+  This feeling insalubrious
+  Soon made her most lugubrious,
+    And bitterly she missed her
+                    Elder sister
+                          Marie Anne:
+  She asked if she might write her to
+  Come down and spend a night or two,
+    Her husband answered rightly
+                    And politely:
+                          "Yes, you can!"
+
+                          Blue-Beard, the Monday following,
+                          His jealous feeling swallowing,
+                            Packed all his clothes together
+                                           In a leather-
+                                                 Bound valise,
+                          And, feigning reprehensibly,
+                          He started out, ostensibly
+                            By traveling to learn a
+                                           Bit of Smyrna
+                                                 And of Greece.
+
+  His wife made but a cursory
+  Inspection of the nursery;
+    The kitchen and the airy
+                    Little dairy
+                          Were a bore,
+  As well as big or scanty rooms,
+  And billiard, bath, and ante-rooms,
+    But not that interdicted
+                    And restricted
+                          Little door!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  For, all her curiosity
+  Awakened by the closet he
+    So carefully had hidden,
+                    And forbidden
+                          Her to see,
+  This damsel disobedient
+  Did something inexpedient,
+    And in the keyhole tiny
+                    Turned the shiny
+                          Little key:
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Then started back impulsively,
+  And shrieked aloud convulsively--
+    Three heads of girls he'd wedded
+                    And beheaded
+                          Met her eye!
+  And turning round, much terrified,
+  Her darkest fears were verified,
+    For Blue-Beard stood behind her,
+                    Come to find her
+                          On the sly!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Perceiving she was fated to
+  Be soon decapitated, too,
+    She telegraphed her brothers
+                    And some others
+                          What she feared.
+  And Sister Anne looked out for them,
+  In readiness to shout for them
+    Whenever in the distance
+                    With assistance
+                          They appeared.
+
+  But only from her battlement
+  She saw some dust that cattle meant.
+    The ordinary story
+                    Isn't gory,
+                          But a jest.
+  But here's the truth unqualified.
+  The husband _wasn't_ mollified
+    Her head is in his bloody
+                    Little study
+                          With the rest!
+
+
+  _The Moral_: Wives, we must allow,
+  Who to their husbands will not bow,
+  A stern and dreadful lesson learn
+  When, as you've read, they're cut in turn.
+
+
+
+
+  How Rumplestilz Held Out in Vain for a Bonus
+
+
+  In Germany there lived an earl
+    Who had a charming niece:
+  And never gave the timid girl
+    A single moment's peace!
+  Whatever low and menial task
+    His fancy flitted through,
+  He did not hesitate to ask
+    That shrinking child to do.
+  (I see with truly honest shame you
+  Are blushing, and I do not blame you.
+  A tale like this the feelings softens,
+  And brings the tears, as does "Two Orphans.")
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  She had to wash the windows, and
+    She had to scrub the floors,
+  She had to lend a willing hand
+    To fifty other chores:
+  She gave the dog his exercise,
+    She read the earl the news,
+  She ironed all his evening ties,
+    And polished all his shoes,
+  She cleaned the tins that filled the dairy,
+  She cut the claws of the canary,
+  And then, at night, with manner winsome,
+  When coal was wanted, carried in some!
+
+  But though these tasks were quite enough,
+    He thought them all too few,
+  And so her uncle, rude and rough,
+    Invented something new.
+  He took her to a little room,
+    Her willingness to tax,
+  And pointed out a broken loom
+    And half a ton of flax,
+  Observing: "Spin six pairs of trousers!"
+  His haughty manner seemed to rouse hers.
+  She met his scornful glances proudly--
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  But when the earl went down the stair
+    She yielded to her fears.
+  Gave way at last to grim despair,
+    And melted into tears:
+  When suddenly, from out the wall,
+    As if he felt at home,
+  There pounced a singularly small
+    And much distorted gnome.
+  He smiled a smile extremely vapid,
+  And set to work in fashion rapid;
+  No time for resting he deducted,
+  And soon the trousers were constructed.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  The girl observed: "How very nice
+    To help me out this way!"
+  The gnome replied: "A certain price
+    Of course you'll have to pay.
+  I'll call to-morrow afternoon,
+    My due reward to claim,
+  And then you'll sing another tune
+    Unless you guess my name!"
+  He indicated with a gesture
+  The pile of newly fashioned vesture:
+  His eyes on hers a moment centered,
+  And then he went, as he had entered.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  As by this tale you have been grieved
+    And heartily distressed,
+  Kind sir, you will be much relieved
+    To know his name she guessed:
+
+  But if I do not tell the same,
+    Pray count it not a crime:--
+  I've tried my best, and for that name
+    I can't find any rhyme!
+  Yet spare me from remarks injurious:
+  I will not leave you foiled and furious.
+  If something must proclaim the answer,
+  And I cannot, the title can, sir!
+
+
+  _The Moral_ is: All said and done,
+  There's nothing new beneath the sun,
+  And many times before, a title
+  Was incapacity's requital!
+
+
+
+
+  How Jack Made the Giants Uncommonly Sore
+
+
+  Of all the ill-fated
+  Boys ever created
+    Young Jack was the wretchedest lad:
+  An emphatic, erratic,
+  Dogmatic fanatic
+    Was foisted upon him as dad!
+  From the time he could walk,
+  And before he could talk,
+    His wearisome training began,
+  On a highly barbarian,
+  Disciplinarian,
+  Nearly Tartarean
+        Plan!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He taught him some Raleigh,
+  And some of Macaulay,
+    Till all of "Horatius" he knew,
+  And the drastic, sarcastic,
+  Fantastic, scholastic
+    Philippics of "Junius," too.
+  He made him learn lots
+  Of the poems of Watts,
+    And frequently said he ignored,
+  On principle, any son's
+  Title to benisons
+  Till he'd learned Tennyson's
+        "Maud."
+
+  "For these are the giants
+  Of thought and of science,"
+    He said in his positive way:
+  "So weigh them, obey them,
+  Display them, and lay them
+    To heart in your infancy's day!"
+  Jack made no reply,
+  But he said on the sly
+    An eloquent word, that had come
+  From a quite indefensible,
+  Most reprehensible,
+  But indispensable
+        Chum.
+
+  By the time he was twenty
+  Jack had such a plenty
+    Of books and paternal advice,
+  Though seedy and needy,
+  Indeed he was greedy
+    For vengeance, whatever the price!
+  In the editor's seat
+  Of a critical sheet
+    He found the revenge that he sought;
+  And, with sterling appliance of
+  Mind, wrote defiance of
+  All of the giants of
+        Thought.
+
+  He'd thunder and grumble
+  At high and at humble
+    Until he became, in a while,
+  Mordacious, pugnacious,
+  Rapacious. Good gracious!
+    They called him the Yankee Carlyle!
+  But he never took rest
+  On his quarrelsome quest
+    Of the giants, both mighty and small.
+  He slated, distorted them,
+  Hanged them and quartered them,
+  Till he had slaughtered them
+        All.
+
+
+  And this is _The Moral_ that lies in the verse:
+  If you have a go farther, you're apt to fare worse.
+  (When you turn it around it is different rather:--
+  You're not apt to go worse if you have a fair father!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  How Rudeness and Kindness Were Justly Rewarded
+
+
+  Once on a time, long years ago
+    (Just when I quite forget),
+  Two maidens lived beside the Po,
+    One blonde and one brunette.
+  The blonde one's character was mild,
+  From morning until night she smiled,
+  Whereas the one whose hair was brown
+  Did little else than pine and frown.
+    (_I_ think one ought to draw the line
+    At girls who always frown and pine!)
+
+  The blonde one learned to play the harp,
+    Like all accomplished dames,
+  And trained her voice to take _C_ sharp
+    As well as Emma Eames;
+  Made baskets out of scented grass,
+  And paper-weights of hammered brass,
+  And lots of other odds and ends
+  For gentleman and lady friends.
+    (_I_ think it takes a deal of sense
+    To manufacture gifts for gents!)
+
+  The dark one wore an air of gloom,
+    Proclaimed the world a bore,
+  And took her breakfast in her room
+    Three mornings out of four.
+  With crankiness she seemed imbued,
+  And everything she said was rude:
+  She sniffed, and sneered, and, what is more,
+  When very much provoked, she swore!
+    (_I_ think that I could never care
+    For any girl who'd learned to swear!)
+
+  One day the blonde was striding past
+    A forest, all alone,
+  When all at once her eyes she cast
+    Upon a wrinkled crone,
+  Who tottered near with shaking knees,
+  And said: "A penny, if you please!"
+  And you will learn with some surprise
+  This was a fairy in disguise!
+    (_I_ think it must be hard to know
+    A fairy who's incognito!)
+
+  The maiden filled her trembling palms
+    With coinage of the realm.
+  The fairy said: "Take back your alms!
+    My heart they overwhelm.
+  Henceforth at every word shall slip
+  A pearl or ruby from your lip!"
+  And, when the girl got home that night,--
+  She found the fairy's words were right!
+    (_I_ think there are not many girls
+    Whose words are worth their weight in pearls!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  It happened that the cross brunette,
+    Ten minutes later, came
+  Along the self-same road, and met
+    That bent and wrinkled dame,
+  Who asked her humbly for a sou.
+  The girl replied: "Get out with you!"
+  The fairy cried: "Each word you drop,
+  A toad from out your mouth shall hop!"
+    (_I_ think that nothing incommodes
+    One's speech like uninvited toads!)
+
+  And so it was, the cheerful blonde
+    Lived on in joy and bliss,
+  And grew pecunious, beyond
+    The dreams of avarice!
+  And to a nice young man was wed,
+  And I have often heard it said
+  No other man who ever walked
+  Most loved his wife when most she talked!
+    (_I_ think this very fact, forsooth,
+    Goes far to prove I tell the truth!)
+
+  The cross brunette the fairy's joke
+    By hook or crook survived,
+  But still at every word she spoke
+    An ugly toad arrived,
+  Until at last she had to come
+  To feigning she was wholly dumb,
+  Whereat the suitors swarmed around,
+  And soon a wealthy mate she found.
+    (_I_ think nobody ever knew
+    The happier husband of the two!)
+
+
+  _The Moral_ of the tale is: Bah!
+  _Nous avons changé tout celà._
+  No clear idea I hope to strike
+  Of what _your_ nicest girl is like,
+  But she whose best young man _I_ am
+  Is not an oyster, nor a clam!
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows why each suitor, who rode up to spark,
+                 Would mark the toad maybe, but ne'er toed the mark._]
+
+
+
+
+  How Beauty Contrived to Get Square with the Beast
+
+
+  Miss Guinevere Platt
+  Was so beautiful that
+    She couldn't remember the day
+  When one of her swains
+  Hadn't taken the pains
+    To send her a mammoth bouquet.
+  And the postman had found,
+  On the whole of his round,
+    That no one received such a lot
+  Of bulky epistles
+  As, waiting his whistles,
+    The beautiful Guinevere got!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  A significant sign
+  That her charm was divine
+    Was seen in society, when
+  The chaperons sniffed
+  With their eyebrows alift:
+    "Whatever's got into the men?"
+  There was always a man
+  Who was holding her fan,
+    And twenty that danced in details,
+  And a couple of mourners,
+  Who brooded in corners,
+    And gnawed their mustaches and nails.
+
+  John Jeremy Platt
+  Wouldn't stay in the flat,
+    For his beautiful daughter he missed:
+  When he'd taken his tub,
+  He would hie to his club,
+    And dally with poker or whist.
+  At the end of a year
+  It was perfectly clear
+    That he'd never computed the cost,
+  For he hadn't a penny
+  To settle the many
+    Ten thousands of dollars he'd lost!
+
+  F. Ferdinand Fife
+  Was a student of life:
+    He was coarse, and excessively fat,
+  With a beard like a goat's,
+  But he held all the notes
+    Of ruined John Jeremy Platt!
+  With an adamant smile
+  That was brimming with guile,
+    He said: "I am took with the face
+  Of your beautiful daughter,
+  And wed me she ought ter,
+    To save you from utter disgrace!"
+
+  Miss Guinevere Platt
+  Didn't hesitate at
+    Her duty's imperative call.
+  When they looked at the bride
+  All the chaperons cried:
+    "She isn't so bad, after all!"
+  Of the desolate men
+  There were something like ten
+    Who took up political lives,
+  And the flower of the flock
+  Went and fell off a dock,
+    And the rest married hideous wives!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  But the beautiful wife
+  Of F. Ferdinand Fife
+    Was the wildest that ever was known:
+  She'd grumble and glare,
+  Till the man didn't dare
+    To say that his soul was his own.
+  She sneered at his ills,
+  And quadrupled his bills,
+    And spent nearly twice what he earned;
+  Her husband deserted,
+  And frivoled, and flirted,
+    Till Ferdinand's reason was turned.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He repented too late,
+  And his terrible fate
+    Upon him so heavily sat,
+  That he swore at the day
+  When he sat down to play
+    At cards with John Jeremy Platt.
+  He was dead in a year,
+  And the fair Guinevere
+    In society sparkled again,
+  While the chaperons fluttered
+  Their fans, as they muttered:
+    "She's getting exceedingly plain!"
+
+
+  _The Moral_: Predicaments often are found
+  That beautiful duty is apt to get round:
+  But greedy extortioners better beware
+  For dutiful beauty is apt to get square!
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows how at poker one loses his pelf
+                 When the other's a joker and knave in himself._]
+
+
+
+
+  How a Fair One no Hope to His Highness Accorded
+
+
+  She has slid down the channels
+  Of history's annals
+    Disguised as the child of a king,
+  But that is a glib
+  And iniquitous fib,
+    For she never was any such thing:
+  They called her the Fair One with Golden Locks,
+  And it's true she had lovers who swarmed in flocks,
+  But the rest is ironic;
+  Her business chronic
+  Was selling hair-tonic
+                    By bottle and box!
+
+  From the dawn till the gloaming
+  She used to sit combing
+    Her hair in a languorous way.
+  And her suitors would stop
+  To look into the shop,
+    And stand there the rest of the day.
+  She filled them with mute, but with deep despair,
+  For she never glanced up, with a smile, to where
+  They stood about, crushing
+  Each other, and blushing:
+  She simply kept brushing
+                    Her beautiful hair.
+
+  But a prince who was passing,
+  Engaged in amassing
+    Some facts on American life,
+  Was suddenly struck
+  By the fact that his luck
+    Might give him that girl for a wife!
+  His rashness he didn't attempt to excuse,
+  He entered the shop and he stated his views.
+  Remarking,
+                "My jewel,
+  I'm confident you will
+  Not wish to be cruel
+                    Enough to refuse.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  "Most winsome of creatures,"
+  He told her, "your features
+    Have led me to candidly say
+  That no other beside
+  Would I have for a bride:
+    We'll be married a week from to-day!
+  I belong to a long and a titled line,
+  And the least of your wishes I won't decline;
+  Next month I will usher
+  My wife into Russia:--
+  Sweet comber and brusher,
+                    Consider you're mine!"
+
+  She looked at him squarely,
+  Considered him fairly,
+    Her glance was as keen as a knife,
+  Then she turned up her nose,
+  And, with icy repose,
+    She answered: "Well, not on your life!
+  You're not on the paper the only blot!
+  Do you think I come twelve in a parcel--what?
+  _Me_ pose as your dearie?
+  Oh, go and chase Peary!
+  You're making me weary.
+                    Now git!"
+
+                    (He got!)
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows how, with never a shadow of doubt,
+                 When you go in for love you are apt to come out._]
+
+  The crowd that had waited
+  Outside was elated
+    So much by the prince's mischance,
+  That they greeted with jeers
+  And ironical cheers,
+    The end of his little romance.
+  They said: "Did it hurt when the ground you hit?"
+  They searched for some mark where the prince had lit,
+  And as he looked colder,
+  They only grew bolder,
+  And tapped on his shoulder
+                    With: "Tag! You're It!"
+
+  The lengthy discussion
+  That sensitive Russian
+    Compiled on the U. S. A.
+  Was read by the maid,
+  As she carelessly played
+    With her beautiful hair one day.
+  "The talk you hear in that primitive land,"
+  He wrote, "nobody can understand."
+  "Somebody who guffed him,"
+  She said, "has stuffed him,
+  And easily bluffed him
+                    To beat the band!"
+
+
+  _The Moral_: The people across the brine
+  Are exceedingly strong on Auld Lang Syne,
+  But they're lost in the push when they strike a gang
+  That is strong on American new line slang!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  How Thomas a Maid from a Dragon Released
+
+
+  Though Philip the Second
+  Of France was reckoned
+    No coward, his breath came short
+  When they told him a dragon
+  As big as a wagon
+    Was waiting below in the court!
+  A dragon so long, and so wide, and so fat,
+  That he couldn't get in at the door to chat:
+  The king couldn't leave him
+  Outside and grieve him,
+  He had to receive him
+                    Upon the mat,
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  The dragon bowed nicely,
+  And very concisely
+    He stated the reason he'd called:
+  He made the disclosure
+  With frigid composure.
+    King Philip was simply appalled!
+  He demanded for eating, a fortnight apart,
+  The monarch's ten daughters, all dear to his heart.
+  "And now you'll produce," he
+  Concluded, "the juicy
+  And succulent Lucie
+                    By way of start!"
+
+  King Philip was pliant,
+  And far from defiant
+    --"And servile," no doubt you retort!--
+  But if _you_ struck a snag on
+  A bottle-green dragon,
+    Who filled up two-thirds of your court,
+  And curled up his tail on your new tin roof,
+  And made your piazza groan under his hoof,
+  Would you threaten and thunder,
+  Or just knuckle under
+  Completely, I wonder,
+                    If put to proof?
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  By way of a truce, he
+  Brought out little Lucie
+    And watched her conducted away,
+  But all of the others
+  Were out with their brothers!
+    Thus gaining a little delay,
+  He promised through heralds sent west and east,
+  His crown, and his kingdom, and last, not least,
+  His daughter so sightly
+  To any one knightly
+  Who'd come and politely
+                    Wipe out that beast!
+
+  For love of the charmer,
+  Arrayed in his armor,
+    Each suitor for glory who yearned,
+  Would gallantly hasten,
+  The dragon to chasten,
+    But none of them ever returned!
+  When the dragon had eaten some sixteen score
+  He hung up this sign on his cavern door,
+  Whereat he lay pronely
+  In majesty lonely:
+
+  +------------------------------+
+  |_There's Standing Room Only   |
+  |      For Three Knights More!_|
+  +------------------------------+
+
+  A slim adolescent,
+  His beard only crescent,
+    Rode up at this stage of the game
+  To where the old sinner
+  Lay gorged with his dinner,
+    And breathing out torrents of flame.
+  He gathered a tip from the flaunting sign,
+  And took his position the fourth in line,
+  Until, as foreboded,
+  By food incommoded,
+  The dragon exploded
+                    At half-past nine.
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows how a servant may laugh at the Fates,
+                 Since everything comes to the fellow who waits._]
+
+  The king was delighted
+  At first when he sighted
+    The victor, but then in dismay
+  Regretted his promise.
+  The stripling was Thomas,
+    His Majesty's _valet-de-pied_!
+  He asked him at once: "Will you compromise?"
+  But Thomas looked straight in his master's eyes,
+  And answered severely:
+  "I see your game clearly,
+  And scorn it sincerely.
+                    Hand out the prize!"
+
+  Not long did he linger
+  Before on the finger
+    Of Lucie he fitted a ring:
+  A month or two later
+  They made him dictator,
+    In place of the elderly king:
+  He was lauded by pulpit, and boomed by press,
+  And no one had ever a chance to guess,
+  Beholding this hero
+  Who ruled like a Nero,
+  His valor was zero,
+                    Or something less.
+
+
+  _The Moral:_ And still from Nice to Calais
+  Discretion's the better part of--
+                    --_valets!_
+
+
+
+
+  _How a Beauty was Waked and Her Suitor was Suited_
+
+
+  Albeit wholly penniless,
+  Prince Charming wasn't any less
+    Conceited than a Croesus or a modern millionaire:
+  Though often in necessity,
+  No one would ever guess it. He
+    Was candidly insolvent, and he frankly didn't care!
+  Of the many debts he made
+  Not a one was ever paid,
+    But no one ever pressed him to refund the borrowed gold:
+  While he recklessly kept spending,
+  People gladly kept on lending,
+    For the fact they knew a title
+                    Was requital
+                      Twenty-fold!
+       (He lived in sixteen sixty-three,
+         This smooth unblushing article,
+       Since when, as far as I can see,
+         Men haven't changed a particle!)
+
+  In Charming's principality
+  There was a wild locality,
+    Composed of sombre forest, and of steep and frowning crags,
+  Of pheasant and of rabbit, too;
+  And here it was his habit to
+    Go hunting with his courtiers in the keen pursuit of stags.
+  But the charger that he rode
+  So mercurially strode
+    That the prince on one occasion left the others in the lurch,
+  And the falling darkness found him,
+  With no vassals left around him,
+    Near a building like an abbey,
+                    Or a shabby
+                      Ruined church.
+  His Highness said: "I'll ring the bell
+    And stay till morning in it!" (He
+  Took Hobson's choice, for no hotel
+    There was in the vicinity.)
+
+  His ringing was so vehement
+  That any one could see he meant
+    To suffer no refusal, but, in spite of all the din,
+  There was no answer audible,
+  And so, with courage laudable,
+    His Royal Highness turned the knob, and stoutly entered in.
+  Then he strode across the court,
+  But he suddenly stopped short
+    When he passed within the castle by a massive oaken door:
+  There were courtiers without number,
+  But they all were plunged in slumber,
+    The prince's ear delighting
+                    By uniting
+                      In a snore.
+  The prince remarked: "This must be Philadelphia,
+      Pennsylvania!"
+  (And so was born the jest that's still
+    The comic journal's mania!)
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows how the prince won the princess's heart,
+                 And the end of her sleeping was simply a start._]
+
+  With torpor reprehensible,
+  Numb, comatose, insensible,
+    The flunkeys and the chamberlains all slumbered like the dead,
+  And snored so loud and mournfully,
+  That Charming passed them scornfully
+    And came to where a princess lay asleep upon a bed.
+  She was so extremely fair
+  That His Highness didn't care
+    For the risk, and so he kissed her ere a single word he spoke:--
+  In a jiffy maids and pages,
+  Ushers, lackeys, squires, and sages,
+    As fresh as if they'd been at least
+                    A week awake,
+                      Awoke,
+  And hastened, bustled, dashed and ran
+    Up stairways and through galleries:
+  In brief, they one and all began
+    Again to earn their salaries!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Aroused from her paralysis,
+  As if in deep analysis
+    Of him who had awakened her, the princess met his eye:
+  Her glance at first was critical,
+  And sternly analytical.
+    And then she dropped her lashes and she gave a little sigh.
+  As he watched her, wholly dumb,
+  She observed: "You doubtless come
+    For one of two good reasons, and I'm going to ask you which.
+  Do you mean my house to harry,
+  Or do you propose to marry?"
+    He answered: "I may rue it,
+                    But I'll do it,
+                      If you're rich!"
+  The princess murmured with a smile:
+    "I've millions, at the least, to come!"
+  The prince cried: "Please excuse me, while
+    I go and get the priest to come!"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral_: When affairs go ill
+  The sleeping partner foots the bill.
+
+
+
+
+  _How Jack Found that Beans May go Back on a Chap_
+
+
+  Without the slightest basis
+  For hypochondriasis
+    A widow had forebodings which a cloud around her flung,
+  And with expression cynical
+  For half the day a clinical
+    Thermometer she held beneath her tongue.
+
+  Whene'er she read the papers
+  She suffered from the vapors,
+    At every tale of malady or accident she'd groan;
+  In every new and smart disease,
+  From housemaid's knee to heart disease,
+    She recognized the symptoms as her own!
+
+  She had a yearning chronic
+  To try each novel tonic,
+    Elixir, panacea, lotion, opiate, and balm;
+  And from a homoeopathist
+  Would change to an hydropathist,
+    And back again, with stupefying calm!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  The closets of her villa
+  Were full of sarsaparilla,
+    Ammonia, digitalis, bronchial troches, soda mint.
+  Restoratives hirsutical,
+  And soaps to clean the cuticle,
+    And iodine, and peptonoids, and lint.
+
+  She was nervous, cataleptic,
+  And anemic, and dyspeptic:
+    Though not convinced of apoplexy, yet she had her fears.
+  She dwelt with force fanatical
+  Upon a twinge rheumatical,
+    And said she had a buzzing in her ears!
+
+  Now all of this bemoaning
+  And this grumbling and this groaning
+    The mind of Jack, her son and heir, unconscionably bored.
+  His heart completely hardening,
+  He gave his time to gardening,
+    For raising beans was something he adored.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Each hour in accents morbid
+  This limp maternal bore bid
+    Her callous son affectionate and lachrymose good-bys.
+  She never granted Jack a day
+  Without some long "Alackaday!"
+    Accompanied by rolling of the eyes.
+
+  But Jack, no panic showing,
+  Just watched his beanstalk growing,
+    And twined with tender fingers the tendrils up the pole.
+  At all her words funereal
+  He smiled a smile ethereal,
+    Or sighed an absent-minded "Bless my soul!"
+
+  That hollow-hearted creature
+  Would never change a feature:
+    No tear bedimmed his eye, however touching was her talk.
+  She never fussed or flurried him,
+  The only thing that worried him
+    Was when no bean-pods grew upon the stalk!
+
+  But then he wabbled loosely
+  His head, and wept profusely,
+    And, taking out his handkerchief to mop away his tears,
+  Exclaimed: "It hasn't got any!"
+  He found this blow to botany
+    Was sadder than were all his mother's fears.
+
+
+  _The Moral_ is that gardeners pine
+  Whene'er no pods adorn the vine.
+  Of all sad words experience gleans
+  The saddest are: "It _might_ have beans."
+    (I did not make this up myself:
+    'Twas in a book upon my shelf.
+    It's witty, but I don't deny
+    It's rather Whittier than I!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  _How a Cat Was Annoyed and a Poet Was Booted_
+
+
+  A poet had a cat.
+  There is nothing odd in that--
+    (I _might_ make a little pun about the _Mews_!)
+  But what is really more
+  Remarkable, she wore
+    A pair of pointed patent-leather shoes.
+      And I doubt me greatly whether
+        E'er you heard the like of that:
+      Pointed shoes of patent-leather
+                      On a cat!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  His time he used to pass
+  Writing sonnets, on the grass--
+    (I _might_ say something good on _pen_ and _sward_!)
+  While the cat sat near at hand,
+  Trying hard to understand
+    The poems he occasionally roared.
+      (I myself possess a feline,
+        But when poetry I roar
+      He is sure to make a bee-line
+                      For the door.)
+
+  The poet, cent by cent,
+  All his patrimony spent--
+    (I _might_ tell how he went from _werse_ to _werse_!)
+  Till the cat was sure she could,
+  By advising, do him good
+    So addressed him in a manner that was terse:
+      "We are bound toward the scuppers,
+        And the time has come to act,
+      Or we'll both be on our uppers
+                      For a fact!"
+
+  On her boot she fixed her eye,
+  But the boot made no reply--
+    (I _might_ say: "Couldn't speak to save _its sole_!")
+  And the foolish bard, instead
+  Of responding, only read
+    A verse that wasn't bad upon the whole:
+      And it pleased the cat so greatly,
+        Though she knew not what it meant,
+      That I'll quote approximately
+                      How it went:--
+
+  "If I should live to be
+  The last leaf upon the tree"--
+    (I _might_ put in: "I think I'd just as _leaf_!")
+  "Let them smile, as I do now,
+  At the old forsaken bough"--
+    Well, he'd plagiarized it bodily, in brief!
+      But that cat of simple breeding
+        Couldn't read the lines between,
+      So she took it to a leading
+                      Magazine.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  She was jarred and very sore
+  When they showed her to the door.
+    (I _might_ hit off the _door_ that was _a jar_!)
+  To the spot she swift returned
+  Where the poet sighed and yearned,
+    And she told him that he'd gone a little far.
+      "Your performance with this rhyme has
+        Made me absolutely sick,"
+      She remarked. "I think the time has
+                      Come to kick!"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  I could fill up half the page
+  With descriptions of her rage--
+    (I _might_ say that she went a bit _too fur_!)
+  When he smiled and murmured: "Shoo!"
+  "There is one thing I can do!"
+    She answered with a wrathful kind of purr.
+      "You may shoo me, and it suit you,
+        But I feel my conscience bid
+      Me, as tit for tat, to boot you!"
+                      (Which she did.)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral_ of the plot
+  (Though I say it, as should not!)
+    Is: An editor is difficult to suit.
+  But again there're other times
+  When the man who fashions rhymes
+    Is a rascal, and a bully one to boot!
+
+
+
+
+  _How Much Fortunatus Could Do with a Cap_
+
+
+  Fortunatus, a fisherman Dane,
+  Set out on a sudden for Spain,
+    Because, runs the story,
+    He'd met with a hoary
+        Mysterious sorcerer chap,
+    Who, trouble to save him,
+    Most thoughtfully gave him
+        A magical traveling cap.
+  I barely believe that the story is true,
+  But here's what that cap was reported to do.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Suppose you were sitting at home,
+  And you wished to see Paris or Rome,
+    You'd pick up that bonnet,
+    You'd carefully don it,
+        The name of the city you'd call,
+    And the very next minute
+    By Jove, you were in it,
+        Without having started at all!
+  One moment you sauntered on upper Broadway,
+  And the next on the Corso or rue de la Paix!
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows Fortunatus, a restlessness feeling,
+                 Forsaking his fishing, and leaving his ceiling._]
+
+  Why, it beat every journey of Cook's,
+  Knocked spots out of Baedeker's books!
+    He stepped from his doorway
+    Direct into Norway,
+        He hopped in a trice to Ceylon,
+    He saw Madagascar,
+    Went round by Alaska,
+        And called on a girl in Luzon:
+  If they said she'd be down in a moment or two,
+  He took, while he waited, a peek at Peru!
+
+  He could wake up at eight in Siam,
+  Take his tub, if he wanted, in Guam.
+    Eat breakfast in Kansas,
+    And lunch in Matanzas,
+        Go out for a walk in Brazil,
+    Take tea in Madeira,
+    Dine on the Riviera,
+        And smoke his cigar in Seville,
+  Go out to the theatre in Vladivostok,
+  And retire in New York at eleven o'clock!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Every tongue he could readily speak:
+  French, German, Italian, Greek,
+    Norwegian, Bulgarian,
+    Turkish, Bavarian,
+        Japanese, Hindustanee,
+    Russian and Mexican!
+    He was a lexicon,
+        Such as you seldom will see.
+  His knowledge linguistic gave Ollendorff fits,
+  And brought a hot flush to the face of Berlitz!
+
+  He would bow in an intimate way
+  To Menelik and to Loubet,
+    He was frequently beckoned,
+    By William the Second,
+        A word of advice to receive,
+    He talked with bravado
+    About the Mikado,
+        King Oscar, Oom Paul, the Khedive,
+  King Victor Emmanuel Second, the Shah,
+  King Edward the Seventh, Kwang Su, and the Czar!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  But what did he get from it all?
+  His wife used to wait in the hall!
+    When this wandering mortal
+    Set foot on the portal,
+        She always appeared on the scene,
+    And, far from ideally,
+    Remarked: "Well, I _really_
+        Would like to know where you have been!"
+  Now what is the good of a wandering life,
+  If you have to tell all that you do to your wife?
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  She'd indulge in a copious cry,
+  She'd remark she'd undoubtedly die,
+    Or, like many another,
+    Go back to her mother,
+        And what would the world think of _that_?
+    She only grew pleasant,
+    When offered a present
+        Of gloves or a gown or a hat:
+  And more than his talisman saved him in fare
+  Fortunatus expended in putting things square!
+
+
+  And _The Moral_ is easily said:
+  Like our hero, you're certain to find,
+  When such a cap goes on a head,
+  Retribution will follow behind!
+
+
+
+
+  _How a Princess Was Wooed from Habitual Sadness_
+
+
+  In days of old the King of Saxe
+    Had singular opinions,
+  For with a weighty battle-axe
+    He brutalized his minions,
+  And, when he'd nothing to employ
+    His mind, he chose a village,
+  And with an air of savage joy
+    Delivered it to pillage.
+
+  But what aroused within his breast
+    A rage well-nigh primeval
+  Was, most of all, his daughter, dressed
+    In fashion mediæval:
+  The gowns that pleased this maiden's eye
+    Were simple as Utopia,
+  And for a hat she had a high
+    Inverted cornucopia.
+
+  In all her life she'd never smiled,
+    Her sadness was abysmal:
+  The boisterous monarch found his child
+    Unutterably dismal.
+  He therefore said the prince who made
+    Her laughter from its shell come,
+  Besides in ducats being paid,
+    Might wed the girl, and welcome!
+
+  I ought to say, ere I forget,
+    She was uncommon comely--
+  (Who ever read a Grimm tale yet,
+    In which the girl was homely?)
+  And so the King's announcement drew
+    Nine princes in a column.
+  But all in vain. The princess grew,
+  If anything, more solemn.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  One read her "Innocents Abroad,"
+    The next wore clothes eccentric,
+  The third one swallowed half his sword,
+    As in the circus-tent trick.
+  Thus eight of them into her cool
+    Reserve but deeper shoved her:
+  There was but one authentic fool--
+    The prince who really loved her!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He'd alternate between the height
+    Of hope and deep abasement,
+  He caught distressing colds at night,
+    By watching 'neath her casement:
+  He did what I have done, I know,
+    And you, I do not doubt it,--
+  Instead of bottling up his woe,
+    He bored his friends about it!
+
+  In brooding on the ways of Fate
+    Long hours he daily wasted,
+  His food remained upon his plate,
+    'Twas scarcely touched or tasted:
+  He said the bitter things of love,
+    All lovers, save a few, say,
+  And learned by heart the verses of
+    Swinburne, and A. de Musset!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  This attitude his wished-for bride
+    To silent laughter goaded,
+  Until he talked of suicide,
+    And then the girl exploded!
+  "You make me laugh, and so," she said,
+    "I'll marry you next season."
+  (Not half the people who are wed
+    Have half so good a reason!)
+
+
+  _The Moral_: The deliberate clown
+  Can never beat love's barriers down:
+  'Tis better to be like the owl,
+  Comic because so grave a fowl.
+  From him we well may take our cue--
+  By him be taught, to wit, to woo!
+
+
+
+
+  _How a Girl was too Reckless of Grammar by Far_
+
+
+  Matilda Maud Mackenzie frankly hadn't any chin,
+  Her hands were rough, her feet she turned invariably in;
+      Her general form was German,
+        By which I mean that you
+      Her waist could not determine
+        To within a foot or two:
+  And not only did she stammer,
+  But she used the kind of grammar
+      That is called, for sake of euphony, askew.
+
+  From what I say about her, don't imagine I desire
+  A prejudice against this worthy creature to inspire.
+      She was willing, she was active,
+        She was sober, she was kind,
+      But she _never_ looked attractive
+        And she _hadn't_ any mind!
+  I knew her more than slightly,
+  And I treated her politely
+      When I met her, but of course I wasn't blind!
+
+  Matilda Maud Mackenzie had a habit that was droll,
+  She spent her morning seated on a rock or on a knoll,
+      And threw with much composure
+        A smallish rubber ball
+      At an inoffensive osier
+        By a little waterfall;
+  But Matilda's way of throwing
+  Was like other people's mowing,
+      And she never hit the willow-tree at all!
+
+  [Illustration: _This serves in the easiest way to explain
+                 What is meant by taking an aim in vain._]
+
+  One day as Miss Mackenzie with uncommon ardor tried
+  To hit the mark, the missile flew exceptionally wide,
+      And, before her eyes astounded,
+        On a fallen maple's trunk
+      Ricochetted, and rebounded
+        In the rivulet, and sunk!
+  Matilda, greatly frightened,
+  In her grammar unenlightened,
+      Remarked: "Well now I ast yer! Who'd 'er thunk?"
+
+  But what a marvel followed! From the pool at once there rose
+  A frog, the sphere of rubber balanced deftly on his nose.
+      He beheld her fright and frenzy,
+        And, her panic to dispel,
+      On his knee by Miss Mackenzie
+        He obsequiously fell.
+  With quite as much decorum
+  As a speaker in a forum
+      He started in his history to tell.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  "Fair maid," he said, "I beg you, do not hesitate or wince,
+  If you'll promise that you'll wed me, I'll at once become a prince;
+      For a fairy old and vicious
+        An enchantment round me spun!"
+      Then he looked up, unsuspicious,
+        And he saw what he had won,
+  And in terms of sad reproach he
+  Made some comments, _sotto voce_,*
+
+  * (Which the publishers have bidden me to shun!)
+
+  Matilda Maud Mackenzie said, as if she meant to scold:
+  "I _never_! Why, you forward thing! Now ain't you awful bold!"
+      Just a glance he paused to give her,
+        And his head was seen to clutch,
+      Then he darted to the river,
+        And he dived to beat the Dutch!
+  While the wrathful maiden panted:
+  "I don't think he was enchanted!"
+      (And he really didn't look it overmuch!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral_: In one's language one conservative should be:
+  Speech is silver, and it never should be free!
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  _How the Peaceful Aladdin Gave Way to His Madness_
+
+
+  His name was Aladdin.
+  The clothes he was clad in
+    Proclaimed him an Arab at sight,
+  And he had for a chum
+  An uncommonly rum
+    Old afreet, six cubits in height.
+  This person infernal,
+  Who seemed so fraternal,
+    At bottom was frankly a scamp:
+  His future to sadden,
+  He gave to Aladdin
+    A wonderful magical lamp.
+
+  A marvel he dubbed it.
+  He said if one rubbed it
+    One's wishes were done on the spot.
+  Now what would you do
+  Were it offered to you?
+    Refuse it undoubtedly (not)!
+  It's thus comprehensive
+  With pleasure extensive
+    Aladdin accepted the gift,
+  And, by it befriended,
+  Erected a splendid
+    Château, with a bath and a lift!
+
+  Not dreaming of malice,
+  One year in his palace
+    He led a luxurious life,
+  Till his genius dread
+  Put it into his head
+    That he needed a beautiful wife.
+  Responding to friction,
+  The lamp this affliction
+    At once for Aladdin secured;
+  The latter, delighted,
+  Imagined he sighted
+    A future of quiet assured.
+
+  When gladly he chose her,
+  He didn't suppose her
+    A philatelist, always agape
+  For novelties, yet
+  She had all of the set
+    Of triangular stamps of the Cape.
+  Some people malicious
+  Proclaimed her Mauritius
+    One-penny vermilion a sell.
+  But that was all rot. It
+  Was true she had got it,
+    And the tuppenny blue one as well!
+
+  Since thus she collected,
+  As might be expected,
+    She didn't for _bric-à-brac_ care,
+  So she traded the lamp
+  For an Ecuador stamp
+    That somebody told her was rare!
+  This act served to madden
+  The mind of Aladdin,
+    But, 'spite of his impotent wrath,
+  His manor-house vanished,
+  To nothingness banished,
+  And while he was taking a bath!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  The average Arab
+  Is hard as a scarab
+    When some one has wounded his pride,
+  So he jumped up and down,
+  With a cynical frown,
+    On the _face_ of his beautiful bride!
+  He had picked up a cargo
+  Of curious _argot_
+    While living in Paris the gay;
+  In the slang of that city
+  He cried without pity:
+    _"Comme ça tu me fich'ras la paix!"_
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral:_ When stamps you're adept on
+    Of risks you are reckless, and yet
+  Beware! If your face is once stepped on,
+    That's the last stamp you're likely to get!
+
+
+
+
+  _How a Fisherman Corked up His Foe in a Jar_
+
+
+  A fisherman lived on the shore,
+    (It's a habit that fishers affect,)
+  And his life was a hideous bore:
+    He had nothing to do but collect
+  Continual harvests of seaweed and shells,
+    Which he stuck upon photograph frames,
+  To sell to the guests in the summer hotels
+    With the quite inappropriate names!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He would wander along by the edge
+    Of the sea, and I know for a fact
+  From the pools with a portable dredge
+    He would curious creatures extract:
+  And, during the season, he always took lots
+    Of tourists out fishing for bass,
+  And showed them politely impossible spots,
+    In the culpable way of his class.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  It happened one day, as afar
+    He roved on the glistening strand,
+  That he chanced on a curious jar,
+    Which lay on a hummock of sand.
+  It was closed at the mouth with a cork and a seal,
+    And over the top there was tied
+  A cloth, and the fisherman couldn't but feel
+    That he ought to see what was inside.
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows us the fisher beginning to blow
+                 Of preserving himself while he pickled his foe._]
+
+  But what were his fear and surprise
+    When the stopper he held in his hand!
+  For a genie of singular size
+    Appeared in a trice on the sand,
+  Who said in the roughest and rudest of tones:
+    "A monster you've foolishly freed!
+  I shall simply make way with you, body and bones,
+  And that with phenomenal speed!"
+
+  The fisherman looked in his face,
+    And answered him boldly: "My friend,
+  How you ever were packed in that space
+    Is something I don't comprehend.
+  Pray do me the favor to show me how you
+    Can do it, as large as you are."
+  The genie retorted: "That's just what I'll do!"
+  And promptly reëntered the jar.
+
+  The fisherman corked him up tight:
+    The genie protested and raved,
+  But for all he accomplished, he might
+    As well all his shouting have saved.
+  And, whenever a generous bonus is paid,
+    The fisherman willingly tells
+  The singular tale of this trick that he played,
+  To the guests in the summer hotels.
+
+
+  _The Moral_: When fortune you strike,
+    And you've slipped through a dangerous crack,
+  Get as forward as ever you like,
+    But never, oh, _never_ get back!
+
+
+
+
+  _Envoi_
+
+  Now don't go and say you'd a dim
+    Idea of these stories before,
+  For I've frankly confessed them from Grimm,
+    The monarch of magical lore:
+
+  And if, by repeating, I took
+    Your time, I will candidly vow
+  _This_ moral (the last in the book)
+    Has never been published till now!
+
+
+  _The Moral_: The skeleton's Grimm,
+    But I have supplied the apparel,
+  So it's fifty per cent, of it Him,
+    And it's fifty per cent. of it Carryl.
+  But still (from the personal severing,
+    For it isn't my nature to grump,)
+  I acknowledge a measure of Levering
+    Levering-ed the whole of the lump!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Grimm Tales Made Gay, by Guy Wetmore Carryl
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Grimm Tales Made Gay, by Guy Wetmore Carryl
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Grimm Tales Made Gay
+
+Author: Guy Wetmore Carryl
+
+Illustrator: Albert Levering
+
+Release Date: October 13, 2007 [EBook #23024]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRIMM TALES MADE GAY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Edwards, Jacqueline Jeremy and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div id="main">
+
+<hr class="hr1" />
+
+
+<h1><span class="title">GRIMM TALES<br />
+MADE GAY</span><br />
+<small>By</small> <span class="smcap">Guy Wetmore Carryl</span><br /><br />
+<small>With</small> GAY PICTURES<br />
+<small>By</small> <span class="smcap">Albert Levering</span>
+</h1>
+
+<div class="figcenter t b">
+<img src="images/i-001.png" width="600" height="717" alt="Cover" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter t">
+<img src="images/i-002.png" width="400" height="654" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+<div class="caption four2">
+<div>This shows the sword that Blue-Beard used full sore,</div>
+<div>After he&#8217;d led his young wife to a door.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter t">
+<img src="images/i-003.png" width="600" height="705" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<h2>GRIMM TALES<br />
+MADE GAY<br />
+<small>By</small> <span class="smcap">Guy Wetmore Carryl</span><br /><br />
+
+<span class="smcap">author of</span><br />
+<small><span class="smcap">this &#8230;&#8230; and many &#8230;&#8230; other &#8230;&#8230; things!</span></small><br /><br />
+
+PICTURES BY<br />
+ALBERT LEVERING<br /><br />
+
+<span class="smcap">artist of</span><br />
+<small><span class="smcap">that &#8230;&#8230; the other &#8230;&#8230; and this</span></small><br /><br />
+
+<span class="smcap">boston <small>&#38;</small> new york</span><br />
+<small><span class="smcap">houghton, mifflin &#38; co.</span></small></h2>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter t">
+<img src="images/i-004.png" width="500" height="592" alt="Copyright" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<h4>COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY GUY<br />
+WETMORE CARRYL AND<br />
+ALBERT LEVERING<br />
+ALL RIGHTS RESERVED<br /><br />
+<em>Published in October, 1902</em></h4>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter t">
+<img src="images/i-005.png" width="500" height="592" alt="Dedication" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<h4>TO<br />
+CHARLES<br />
+WALTON<br />
+OGDEN</h4>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h2>NOTE</h2>
+
+<div class="note">
+<p class="note">I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission of the
+editors to reprint in this form such of these verses as were
+originally published in Harper&#8217;s Magazine, The Century, Life, The
+Smart Set, The Saturday Evening Post, The Home Magazine, and the
+London Tatler.</p>
+<p class="note1">G. W. C.</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright b">
+<img src="images/i-007.png" width="300" height="319" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/i-009.png" width="600" height="698" alt="Contents" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<h2 class="head"><a name="contents" id="contents"></a>The Contents</h2>
+
+<div class="contents">
+<div class="a"><a href="#beaten">How the Babes in the Wood Showed They Couldn&#8217;t be Beaten</a></div>
+
+<div class="b"><a href="#shoe">How Fair Cinderella Disposed of Her Shoe</a></div>
+
+<div class="a"><a href="#eaten">How Little Red Riding Hood Came to be Eaten</a></div>
+
+<div class="b"><a href="#true">How the Fatuous Wish of a Peasant Came True</a></div>
+
+<div class="a"><a href="#onus">How Hop O&#8217; My Thumb Got Rid of an Onus</a></div>
+
+<div class="b"><a href="#door">How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard Made Free with a Door</a></div>
+
+<div class="a"><a href="#bonus">How Rumplestilz Held Out in Vain for a Bonus</a></div>
+
+<div class="b"><a href="#sore">How Jack Made the Giants Uncommonly Sore</a></div>
+
+<div class="a"><a href="#rewarded">How Rudeness and Kindness Were Justly Rewarded</a></div>
+
+<div class="b"><a href="#beast">How Beauty Contrived to Get Square with the Beast</a></div>
+
+<div class="a"><a href="#accorded">How a Fair One no Hope to His Highness Accorded</a></div>
+
+<div class="b"><a href="#released">How Thomas a Maid from a Dragon Released</a></div>
+
+<div class="a"><a href="#suited">How a Beauty was Waked and Her Suitor was Suited</a></div>
+
+<div class="b"><a href="#chap">How Jack Found that Beans May go Back on a Chap</a></div>
+
+<div class="a"><a href="#booted">How a Cat Was Annoyed and a Poet Was Booted</a></div>
+
+<div class="b"><a href="#cap">How Much Fortunatus Could Do with a Cap</a></div>
+
+<div class="a"><a href="#sadness">How a Princess Was Wooed from Habitual Sadness</a></div>
+
+<div class="b"><a href="#far">How a Girl was too Reckless of Grammar by Far</a></div>
+
+<div class="a"><a href="#madness">How the Peaceful Aladdin Gave Way to His Madness</a></div>
+
+<div class="b"><a href="#jar">How a Fisherman Corked up His Foe in a Jar</a></div>
+
+<div class="a"><a href="#envoi">Envoi</a></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span><a name="beaten" id="beaten"></a>How the Babes in the Wood<br />Showed They Couldn&#8217;t be<br />Beaten</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figleft b">
+<img src="images/i-013.png" width="300" height="274" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flright t">
+<div>A man of kind and noble mind</div>
+<div class="i1">Was H. Gustavus Hyde.</div>
+<div>&#8217;Twould be amiss to add to this</div>
+<div class="i1">At present, for he died,</div>
+<div>In full possession of his senses,</div>
+<div>The day before my tale commences.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>One half his gold his four-year-old</div>
+<div class="i1">Son Paul was known to win,</div>
+<div>And Beatrix, whose age was six,</div>
+<div class="i1">For all the rest came in,</div>
+<div>Perceiving which, their Uncle Ben did</div>
+<div>A thing that people said was splendid.</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span>
+For by the hand he took them, and</div>
+<div class="i1">Remarked in accents smooth:</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;One thing I ask. Be mine the task</div>
+<div class="i1">These stricken babes to soothe!</div>
+<div>My country home is really charming:</div>
+<div>I&#8217;ll teach them all the joys of farming.&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/i-014.png" width="500" height="498" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flright b">
+<div>One halcyon week they fished his creek,</div>
+<div class="i1">And watched him do the chores,</div>
+<div>In haylofts hid, and, shouting, slid</div>
+<div class="i1">Down sloping cellar doors:&#8212;</div>
+<div>Because this life to bliss was equal</div>
+<div>The more distressing is the sequel.</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span>
+Concealing guile beneath a smile,</div>
+<div class="i1">He took them to a wood,</div>
+<div>And, with severe and most austere</div>
+<div class="i1">Injunctions to be good,</div>
+<div>He left them seated on a gateway,</div>
+<div>And took his own departure straightway.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter b">
+<img src="images/i-015.png" width="500" height="312" alt="The Wood" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b b">
+<div>Though much afraid, the children stayed</div>
+<div class="i1">From ten till nearly eight;</div>
+<div>At times they wept, at times they slept,</div>
+<div class="i1">But never left the gate:</div>
+<div>Until the swift suspicion crossed them</div>
+<div>That Uncle Benjamin had lost them.</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-016.png" width="300" height="528" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flright">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span>
+Then, quite unnerved, young Paul observed:</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;It&#8217;s like a dreadful dream,</div>
+<div>And Uncle Ben has fallen ten</div>
+<div class="i1">Per cent. in my esteem.</div>
+<div>Not only did he first usurp us,</div>
+<div>But now he&#8217;s left us here on purpose!&#8221;</div>
+
+<div class="aspace">*****</div>
+
+<div>For countless years their childish fears</div>
+<div class="i1">Have made the reader pale,</div>
+<div>For countless years the public&#8217;s tears</div>
+<div class="i1">Have started at the tale,</div>
+<div>For countless years much detestation</div>
+<div>Has been expressed for their relation.</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>So draw a veil across the dale</div>
+<div class="i1">Where stood that ghastly gate.</div>
+<div>No need to tell. You know full well</div>
+<div class="i1">What was their touching fate,</div>
+<div>And how with leaves each little dead breast</div>
+<div>Was covered by a Robin Redbreast!</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>But when they found them on the ground,</div>
+<div class="i1">Although their life had ceased,</div>
+<div>Quite near to Paul there lay a small</div>
+<div class="i1">White paper, neatly creased.</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;<em>Because of lack of any merit,</em></div>
+<div><em>B. Hyde</em>,&#8221; it ran, &#8220;<em>we disinherit</em>!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><em>The Moral</em>: If you deeply long</div>
+<div>To punish one who&#8217;s done you wrong,</div>
+<div>Though in your lifetime fail you may,</div>
+<div>Where there&#8217;s a will, there is a way!</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span><a name="shoe" id="shoe"></a><em>How Fair Cinderella Disposed<br />of Her Shoe</em></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w">
+<div>The vainest girls in forty states</div>
+<div>Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates;</div>
+<div>They warbled, slightly off the air,</div>
+<div class="i1">Romantic German songs,</div>
+<div>And each of them upon her hair</div>
+<div class="i1">Employed the curling tongs,</div>
+<div>And each with ardor most intense</div>
+<div class="i1">Her buxom figure laced,</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;">
+<img src="images/i-017.png" width="700" height="191" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>Until her wilful want of sense</div>
+<div class="i1">Procured a woeful waist:</div>
+<div>For bound to marry titled mates</div>
+<div>Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span>
+Yet, truth to tell, the swains were few</div>
+<div>Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).</div>
+<div>So morning, afternoon, and night</div>
+<div class="i1">Upon their sister they</div>
+<div>Were wont to vent their selfish spite,</div>
+<div class="i1">And in the rudest way:</div>
+<div>For though her name was Leonore,</div>
+<div class="i1">That&#8217;s neither there nor here,</div>
+<div>They called her Cinderella, for</div>
+<div class="i1">The kitchen was her sphere,</div>
+<div>Save when the hair she had to do</div>
+<div>Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-018.png" width="300" height="293" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft b">
+<div>Each night to dances and to <em>f&#234;tes</em></div>
+<div>Went Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates,</div>
+<div>And Cinderella watched them go</div>
+<div class="i1">In silks and satins clad:</div>
+<div>A prince invited them, and so</div>
+<div class="i1">They put on all they had!</div>
+<div>But one fine night, as all alone</div>
+<div class="i1">She watched the flames leap higher,</div>
+<div>A small and stooping fairy crone</div>
+<div class="i1">Stept nimbly from the fire.</div>
+<div>Said she: &#8220;The pride upon me grates</div>
+<div>Of Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div class="o">&#8220;I&#8217;ll now,&#8221; she added, with a frown,</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;Call Gwendolyn and Gladys down!&#8221;</div>
+<div>And, ere your fingers you could snap,</div>
+<div class="i1">There stood before the door</div>
+<div>No paltry hired horse and trap,</div>
+<div class="i1">Oh, no!&#8212;a coach and four!</div>
+<div>And Cinderella, fitted out</div>
+<div class="i1">Regardless of expense,</div>
+<div>Made both her sisters look about</div>
+<div class="i1">Like thirty-seven cents!</div>
+<div>The prince, with one look at her gown,</div>
+<div>Turned Gwendolyn and Gladys down!</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/i-019.png" width="600" height="383" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span>
+Wall-flowers, when thus compared with her,</div>
+<div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.</div>
+<div>The prince but gave them glances hard,</div>
+<div class="i1">No gracious word he said;</div>
+<div>He scratched their names from off his card,</div>
+<div class="i1">And wrote hers down instead:</div>
+<div>And where he would bestow his hand</div>
+<div class="i1">He showed them in a trice</div>
+<div>By handing her the kisses, and</div>
+<div class="i1">To each of them an ice!</div>
+<div>In sudden need of fire and fur</div>
+<div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-020a.png" width="300" height="324" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flright b">
+<div>At ten o&#8217;clock, in discontent,</div>
+<div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.</div>
+<div>Their sister stayed till after two,</div>
+<div class="i1">And, with a joy sincere,</div>
+<div>The prince obtained her crystal shoe</div>
+<div class="i1">By way of souvenir.</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;Upon the bridal path,&#8221; he cried,</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;We&#8217;ll reign together! Since</div>
+<div>I love you, you must be my bride!&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i1">(He was no slouch, that prince!)</div>
+<div>And into sudden languishment</div>
+<div>Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft t b w">
+<div><em>The Moral</em>: All the girls on earth</div>
+<div>Exaggerate their proper worth.</div>
+<div>They think the very shoes they wear</div>
+<div>Are worth the average millionaire;</div>
+<div>Whereas few pairs in any town</div>
+<div>Can be half-sold for half a crown!</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright2" style="width: 100px;">
+<img src="images/i-020b.png" width="100" height="126" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span><a name="eaten" id="eaten"></a><em>How Little Red Riding Hood<br />Came to be Eaten</em></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>Most worthy of praise</div>
+<div>Were the virtuous ways</div>
+<div class="i1">Of Little Red Riding Hood&#8217;s Ma,</div>
+<div>And no one was ever</div>
+<div>More cautious and clever</div>
+<div class="i1">Than Little Red Riding Hood&#8217;s Pa.</div>
+<div>They never misled,</div>
+<div>For they meant what they said,</div>
+<div class="i1">And would frequently say what they meant,</div>
+<div>And the way she should go</div>
+<div>They were careful to show,</div>
+<div class="i1">And the way that they showed her, she went.</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-021a.png" width="300" height="239" alt="MUCH OBLIGED" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px; height: 243px;">
+<img src="images/i-021b.png" width="300" height="234" alt="WOMANS RIGHTS, ROSIN" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft b w">
+<div>For obedience she was effusively thanked,</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flright b w2">
+<div class="right">And for anything else she was carefully spanked.</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span>It thus isn&#8217;t strange</div>
+<div>That Red Riding Hood&#8217;s range</div>
+<div class="i1">Of virtues so steadily grew,</div>
+<div>That soon she won prizes</div>
+<div>Of different sizes,</div>
+<div class="i1">And golden encomiums, too!</div>
+<div>As a general rule</div>
+<div>She was head of her school,</div>
+<div class="i1">And at six was so notably smart</div>
+<div>That they gave her a cheque</div>
+<div>For reciting &#8220;The Wreck</div>
+<div class="i1">Of the Hesperus,&#8221; wholly by heart!</div>
+<div>And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure,</div>
+<div>When I add that this money she gave to the poor.</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>At eleven this lass</div>
+<div>Had a Sunday-school class,</div>
+<div class="i1">At twelve wrote a volume of verse,</div>
+<div>At thirteen was yearning</div>
+<div>For glory, and learning</div>
+<div class="i1">To be a professional nurse.</div>
+<div>To a glorious height</div>
+<div>The young paragon might</div>
+<div class="i1">Have grown, if not nipped in the bud,</div>
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span>But the following year</div>
+<div>Struck her smiling career</div>
+<div class="i1">With a dull and a sickening thud!</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/i-023.png" width="500" height="268" alt="1902 A. D." title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b t">
+<div>(I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain,</div>
+<div>And must copy my manuscript over again!)</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b t">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span>
+Not dreaming of harm,</div>
+<div>One day on her arm</div>
+<div class="i1">A basket she hung. It was filled</div>
+<div>With jellies, and ices,</div>
+<div>And gruel, and spices,</div>
+<div class="i1">And chicken-legs, carefully grilled,</div>
+<div>And a savory stew,</div>
+<div>And a novel or two</div>
+<div class="i1">She&#8217;d persuaded a neighbor to loan,</div>
+<div>And a hot-water can,</div>
+<div>And a Japanese fan,</div>
+<div class="i1">And a bottle of <em>eau-de-cologne</em>,</div>
+<div>And the rest of the things that your family fill</div>
+<div>Your room with, whenever you chance to be ill!</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>She expected to find</div>
+<div>Her decrepit but kind</div>
+<div class="i1">Old Grandmother waiting her call,</div>
+<div>But the visage that met her</div>
+<div>Completely upset her:</div>
+<div class="i1">It wasn&#8217;t familiar at all!</div>
+<div>With a whitening cheek</div>
+<div>She started to speak,</div>
+<div class="i1">But her peril she instantly saw:&#8212;</div>
+<div>Her Grandma had fled,</div>
+<div>And she&#8217;d tackled instead</div>
+<div class="i1">Four merciless Paws and a Maw!</div>
+<div>When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue,</div>
+<div>He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood&#8217;s, too!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-025.jpg" width="600" height="699" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="caption four2">
+<div>This shows the bad wolf that came out of the wood,</div>
+<div>And proved by his actions to be robbin&#8217; Hood.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span>
+At this terrible tale</div>
+<div>Some readers will pale,</div>
+<div class="i1">And others with horror grow dumb,</div>
+<div>And yet it was better,</div>
+<div>I fear, he should get her:</div>
+<div class="i1">Just think what she might have become!</div>
+<div>For an infant so keen</div>
+<div>Might in future have been</div>
+<div class="i1">A woman of awful renown,</div>
+<div>Who carried on fights</div>
+<div>For her feminine rights</div>
+<div class="i1">As the Mare of an Arkansas town.</div>
+<div>She might have continued the crime of her &#8217;teens,</div>
+<div>And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/i-027.png" width="400" height="355" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter t w">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span><em>The Moral</em>: There&#8217;s nothing much glummer</div>
+<div class="i1">Than children whose talents appall:</div>
+<div>One much prefers those who are dumber,</div>
+<div class="i1">But as for the paragons small,</div>
+<div>If a swallow cannot make a summer</div>
+<div class="i1">It can bring on a summary fall!</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-028.png" width="300" height="253" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span><a name="true" id="true"></a><em>How the Fatuous Wish of a<br />Peasant Came True</em></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>An excellent peasant,</div>
+<div>Of character pleasant,</div>
+<div class="i1">Once lived in a hut with his wife.</div>
+<div>He was cheerful and docile,</div>
+<div>But such an old fossil</div>
+<div class="i1">You wouldn&#8217;t meet twice in your life.</div>
+<div>His notions were all without reason or rhyme,</div>
+<div>Such dullness in any one else were a crime,</div>
+<div class="i1">But the folly pig-headed</div>
+<div>To which he was wedded</div>
+<div>Was so deep imbedded,</div>
+<div class="i3">it touched the sublime!</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-029.png" width="300" height="353" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flright">
+<div>He frequently stated</div>
+<div>Such quite antiquated</div>
+<div class="i1">And singular doctrines as these:</div>
+<div><em>&#8220;Do good unto others!</em></div>
+<div><em>All men are your brothers!&#8221;</em></div>
+<div class="i1">(Of course he forgot the Chinese!)</div>
+<div>He said that all men were made equal and free,</div>
+<div>(That&#8217;s true if they&#8217;re born on <em>our</em> side of the sea!)</div>
+<div class="i1">That truth should be spoken,</div>
+<div>And pledges unbroken:</div>
+<div>(Now where, by that token,</div>
+<div class="i3">would most of us be?)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-030.png" width="400" height="444" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>One day, as his pottage</div>
+<div>He ate in his cottage,</div>
+<div class="i1">A fairy stepped up to the door;</div>
+<div>Upon it she hammered,</div>
+<div>And meekly she stammered:</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;A morsel of food I implore.&#8221;</div>
+<div>He gave her sardines, and a biscuit or two,</div>
+<div>And she said in reply, when her luncheon was through,</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;In return for these dishes</div>
+<div>Of bread and of fishes</div>
+<div>The first of your wishes</div>
+<div class="i3">I&#8217;ll make to come true!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span>
+That nincompoop peasant</div>
+<div>Accepted the present,</div>
+<div class="i1">(As most of us probably would,)</div>
+<div>And, thinking her bounty</div>
+<div>To turn to account, he</div>
+<div class="i1">Said: &#8220;<em>Now</em> I&#8217;ll do somebody good!</div>
+<div>I won&#8217;t ask a thing for myself or my wife,</div>
+<div>But I&#8217;ll make all my neighbors with happiness rife.</div>
+<div class="i1">Whate&#8217;er their conditions,</div>
+<div class="i1">Henceforward, physicians</div>
+<div class="i1">And indispositions</div>
+<div class="i3">they&#8217;re rid of for life!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/i-032.png" width="400" height="319" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span>These words energetic</div>
+<div>The fairy&#8217;s prophetic</div>
+<div class="i1">Announcement brought instantly true:</div>
+<div>With singular quickness</div>
+<div>Each victim of sickness</div>
+<div class="i1">Was made over, better than new,</div>
+<div>And people who formerly thought they were doomed</div>
+<div>With almost obstreperous healthiness bloomed,</div>
+<div class="i1">And each had some platitude,</div>
+<div class="i1">Teeming with gratitude,</div>
+<div class="i1">For the new attitude</div>
+<div class="i3">life had assumed.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-033.png" width="200" height="191" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flright b">
+<div>Our friend&#8217;s satisfaction</div>
+<div>Concerning his action</div>
+<div class="i1">Was keen, but exceedingly brief.</div>
+<div>The wrathful condition</div>
+<div>Of every physician</div>
+<div class="i1">In town was surpassing belief!</div>
+<div>Professional nurses were plunged in despair,</div>
+<div>And chemists shook passionate fists in the air:</div>
+<div class="i1">They called at his dwelling,</div>
+<div class="i1">With violence swelling,</div>
+<div class="i1">His greeting repelling</div>
+<div class="i3">with arrogant stare.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flleft t b w">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span>
+They beat and they battered,</div>
+<div>They slammed and they shattered,</div>
+<div class="i1">And did him such serious harm,</div>
+<div>That, after their labors,</div>
+<div>His wife told the neighbors</div>
+<div class="i1">They&#8217;d caused her excessive alarm!</div>
+<div>They then set to work on his various ills,</div>
+<div>And plied him with liniments, powders, and pills,</div>
+<div class="i1">And charged him so dearly</div>
+<div class="i1">That all of them nearly</div>
+<div class="i1">Made double the yearly</div>
+<div class="i3">amount of their bills.</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-034.png" width="300" height="226" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w t b">
+<div><em>This Moral</em> by the tale is taught:&#8212;</div>
+<div>The wish is father to the thought.</div>
+<div>(We&#8217;d oftentimes escape the worst</div>
+<div>If but the thinking part came first!)</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span><a name="onus" id="onus"></a>How Hop O&#8217; My Thumb Got<br />Rid of an Onus</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/i-035a.png" width="200" height="111" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft b">
+<div>A worthy couple, man and wife,</div>
+<div>Dragged on a discontented life:</div>
+<div class="i1">The reason, I should state,</div>
+<div>That it was destitute of joys,</div>
+<div>Was that they had a dozen boys</div>
+<div class="i1">To feed and educate,</div>
+<div>And nothing such patience demands</div>
+<div>As having twelve boys on your hands!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/i-035b.png" width="600" height="265" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter t b w">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span>
+For twenty years they tried their best</div>
+<div>To keep those urchins neatly dressed</div>
+<div class="i1">And teach them to be good,</div>
+<div>But so much labor it involved</div>
+<div>That, in the end, they both resolved</div>
+<div class="i1">To lose them in a wood,</div>
+<div>Though nothing a parent annoys</div>
+<div>Like heartlessly losing his boys!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>So when their sons had gone to bed,</div>
+<div>Though bitter tears the couple shed,</div>
+<div class="i1">They laid their little plan.</div>
+<div>&#8220;<em>Faut b&#8217;en que &#231;a s&#8217;fasse. Quand m&#234;me</em>,&#8221;</div>
+<div>The woman said, &#8220;<em>J&#8217;en suis tout&#8217; bl&#232;me.</em>&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;<em>&#199;a colle!</em>&#8221; observed the man,</div>
+<div>&#8220;<em>Mais &#231;a coute, que ces gosses fichus!</em></div>
+<div><em>B&#8217;en, quoi! Faut qu&#8217;i&#8217;s soient perdus!</em>&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>(I&#8217;ve quite omitted to explain</div>
+<div>That they were natives of Touraine;</div>
+<div class="i1">I see I must translate.)</div>
+<div>&#8220;Of course it must be done, and still,&#8221;</div>
+<div>The wife remarked, &#8220;it makes me ill.&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;You bet!&#8221; replied her mate:</div>
+<div>&#8220;But we&#8217;ve both of us counted the cost,</div>
+<div>And the kids simply <em>have</em> to be lost!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/i-037a.png" width="400" height="376" alt="FRENCH SELF TAUGHT" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span>
+But, while they plotted, every word</div>
+<div>The youngest of the urchins heard,</div>
+<div class="i1">And winked the other eye;</div>
+<div>His height was only two feet three.</div>
+<div>(I might remark, in passing, he</div>
+<div class="i1">Was little, but O My!)</div>
+<div>He added: &#8220;I&#8217;d better keep mum.&#8221;</div>
+<div>(He was foxy, was Hop O&#8217; My Thumb!)</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright t" style="width: 150px;">
+<img src="images/i-037b.png" width="150" height="144" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span>
+They took the boys into the wood,</div>
+<div>And lost them, as they said they should,</div>
+<div class="i1">And came in silence back.</div>
+<div>Alas for them! Hop O&#8217; My Thumb</div>
+<div>At every step had dropped a crumb,</div>
+<div class="i1">And so retraced the track.</div>
+<div>While the parents sat mourning their fate</div>
+<div>He led the boys in at the gate!</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>He placed his hand upon his heart,</div>
+<div>And said: &#8220;You think you&#8217;re awful smart,</div>
+<div class="i1">But I have foiled you thus!&#8221;</div>
+<div>His parents humbly bent the knee,</div>
+<div>And meekly said: &#8220;H.&#160;O.&#160;M.&#160;T.,</div>
+<div class="i1">You&#8217;re one too much for us!&#8221;</div>
+<div>And both of them solemnly swore</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;We won&#8217;t never do so no more!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figright t b" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/i-038.png" width="200" height="271" alt="FRENCH EASY" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft">
+<div><em>The Moral</em> is: While I do not</div>
+<div>Endeavor to condone the plot,</div>
+<div class="i1">I still maintain that one</div>
+<div>Should have no chance of being foiled,</div>
+<div>And having one&#8217;s arrangements spoiled</div>
+<div class="i1">By one&#8217;s ingenious son.</div>
+<div>If you turn down your children, with pain,</div>
+<div>Take care they don&#8217;t turn up again!</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span><a name="door" id="door"></a>How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard<br />Made Free with a Door</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-039.png" width="300" height="422" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft">
+<div>A maiden from the Bosphorus,</div>
+<div>With eyes as bright as phosphorus,</div>
+<div class="i1">Once wed the wealthy bailiff</div>
+<div class="i5">Of the caliph</div>
+<div class="i8">Of Kelat.</div>
+<div>Though diligent and zealous, he</div>
+<div>Became a slave to jealousy.</div>
+<div class="i1">(Considering her beauty,</div>
+<div class="i5">&#8217;Twas his duty</div>
+<div class="i8">To be that!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span>
+When business would necessitate</div>
+<div>A journey, he would hesitate,</div>
+<div class="i1">But, fearing to disgust her,</div>
+<div class="i5">He would trust her</div>
+<div class="i8">With his keys,</div>
+<div>Remarking to her prayerfully:</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;I beg you&#8217;ll use them carefully.</div>
+<div class="i1">Don&#8217;t look what I deposit</div>
+<div class="i5">In that closet,</div>
+<div class="i8">If you please.&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>It may be mentioned, casually,</div>
+<div>That blue as lapis lazuli</div>
+<div class="i1">He dyed his hair, his lashes,</div>
+<div class="i5">His mustaches,</div>
+<div class="i8">And his beard.</div>
+<div>And, just because he did it, he</div>
+<div>Aroused his wife&#8217;s timidity:</div>
+<div class="i1">Her terror she dissembled,</div>
+<div class="i5">But she trembled</div>
+<div class="i8">When he neared.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-041.jpg" width="600" height="706" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="caption four2">
+<div>This shows how grim Blue-Beard, when bound on a bat,</div>
+<div>Instructed his wife on the key of a flat!</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span>
+This feeling insalubrious</div>
+<div>Soon made her most lugubrious,</div>
+<div class="i1">And bitterly she missed her</div>
+<div class="i5">Elder sister</div>
+<div class="i8">Marie Anne:</div>
+<div>She asked if she might write her to</div>
+<div>Come down and spend a night or two,</div>
+<div class="i1">Her husband answered rightly</div>
+<div class="i5">And politely:</div>
+<div class="i8">&#8220;Yes, you can!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>Blue-Beard, the Monday following,</div>
+<div>His jealous feeling swallowing,</div>
+<div class="i1">Packed all his clothes together</div>
+<div class="i5">In a leather-</div>
+<div class="i8">Bound valise,</div>
+<div>And, feigning reprehensibly,</div>
+<div>He started out, ostensibly</div>
+<div class="i1">By traveling to learn a</div>
+<div class="i5">Bit of Smyrna</div>
+<div class="i8">And of Greece.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flleft">
+<div>His wife made but a cursory</div>
+<div>Inspection of the nursery;</div>
+<div class="i1">The kitchen and the airy</div>
+<div class="i5">Little dairy</div>
+<div class="i8">Were a bore,</div>
+<div>As well as big or scanty rooms,</div>
+<div>And billiard, bath, and ante-rooms,</div>
+<div class="i1">But not that interdicted</div>
+<div class="i5">And restricted</div>
+<div class="i8">Little door!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-043.png" width="300" height="267" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span>For, all her curiosity</div>
+<div>Awakened by the closet he</div>
+<div class="i1">So carefully had hidden,</div>
+<div class="i5">And forbidden</div>
+<div class="i8">Her to see,</div>
+<div>This damsel disobedient</div>
+<div>Did something inexpedient,</div>
+<div class="i1">And in the keyhole tiny</div>
+<div class="i5">Turned the shiny</div>
+<div class="i8">Little key:</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/i-044.png" width="500" height="350" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span>Then started back impulsively,</div>
+<div>And shrieked aloud convulsively&#8212;</div>
+<div class="i1">Three heads of girls he&#8217;d wedded</div>
+<div class="i5">And beheaded</div>
+<div class="i8">Met her eye!</div>
+<div>And turning round, much terrified,</div>
+<div>Her darkest fears were verified,</div>
+<div class="i1">For Blue-Beard stood behind her,</div>
+<div class="i5">Come to find her</div>
+<div class="i8">On the sly!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/i-045.png" width="600" height="282" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span>Perceiving she was fated to</div>
+<div>Be soon decapitated, too,</div>
+<div class="i1">She telegraphed her brothers</div>
+<div class="i5">And some others</div>
+<div class="i8">What she feared.</div>
+<div>And Sister Anne looked out for them,</div>
+<div>In readiness to shout for them</div>
+<div class="i1">Whenever in the distance</div>
+<div class="i5">With assistance</div>
+<div class="i8">They appeared.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>But only from her battlement</div>
+<div>She saw some dust that cattle meant.</div>
+<div class="i1">The ordinary story</div>
+<div class="i5">Isn&#8217;t gory,</div>
+<div class="i8">But a jest.</div>
+<div>But here&#8217;s the truth unqualified.</div>
+<div>The husband <em>wasn&#8217;t</em> mollified</div>
+<div class="i1">Her head is in his bloody</div>
+<div class="i5">Little study</div>
+<div class="i8">With the rest!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><em>The Moral</em>: Wives, we must allow,</div>
+<div>Who to their husbands will not bow,</div>
+<div>A stern and dreadful lesson learn</div>
+<div>When, as you&#8217;ve read, they&#8217;re cut in turn.</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span><a name="bonus" id="bonus"></a>How Rumplestilz Held Out<br />in Vain for a Bonus</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 350px;">
+<img src="images/i-047.png" width="350" height="427" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flleft">
+<div>In Germany there lived an earl</div>
+<div class="i1">Who had a charming niece:</div>
+<div>And never gave the timid girl</div>
+<div class="i1">A single moment&#8217;s peace!</div>
+<div>Whatever low and menial task</div>
+<div class="i1">His fancy flitted through,</div>
+<div>He did not hesitate to ask</div>
+<div class="i1">That shrinking child to do.</div>
+<div>(I see with truly honest shame you</div>
+<div>Are blushing, and I do not blame you.</div>
+<div>A tale like this the feelings softens,</div>
+<div>And brings the tears, as does &#8220;Two Orphans.&#8221;)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span>
+She had to wash the windows, and</div>
+<div class="i1">She had to scrub the floors,</div>
+<div>She had to lend a willing hand</div>
+<div class="i1">To fifty other chores:</div>
+<div>She gave the dog his exercise,</div>
+<div class="i1">She read the earl the news,</div>
+<div>She ironed all his evening ties,</div>
+<div class="i1">And polished all his shoes,</div>
+<div>She cleaned the tins that filled the dairy,</div>
+<div>She cut the claws of the canary,</div>
+<div>And then, at night, with manner winsome,</div>
+<div>When coal was wanted, carried in some!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>But though these tasks were quite enough,</div>
+<div class="i1">He thought them all too few,</div>
+<div>And so her uncle, rude and rough,</div>
+<div class="i1">Invented something new.</div>
+<div>He took her to a little room,</div>
+<div class="i1">Her willingness to tax,</div>
+<div>And pointed out a broken loom</div>
+<div class="i1">And half a ton of flax,</div>
+<div>Observing: &#8220;Spin six pairs of trousers!&#8221;</div>
+<div>His haughty manner seemed to rouse hers.</div>
+<div>She met his scornful glances proudly&#8212;</div>
+<div>And for an answer whistled loudly!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-049.png" width="400" height="428" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span>
+But when the earl went down the stair</div>
+<div class="i1">She yielded to her fears.</div>
+<div>Gave way at last to grim despair,</div>
+<div class="i1">And melted into tears:</div>
+<div>When suddenly, from out the wall,</div>
+<div class="i1">As if he felt at home,</div>
+<div>There pounced a singularly small</div>
+<div class="i1">And much distorted gnome.</div>
+<div>He smiled a smile extremely vapid,</div>
+<div>And set to work in fashion rapid;</div>
+<div>No time for resting he deducted,</div>
+<div>And soon the trousers were constructed.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-050.png" width="300" height="387" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flright t b">
+<div>The girl observed: &#8220;How very nice</div>
+<div class="i1">To help me out this way!&#8221;</div>
+<div>The gnome replied: &#8220;A certain price</div>
+<div class="i1">Of course you&#8217;ll have to pay.</div>
+<div>I&#8217;ll call to-morrow afternoon,</div>
+<div class="i1">My due reward to claim,</div>
+<div>And then you&#8217;ll sing another tune</div>
+<div class="i1">Unless you guess my name!&#8221;</div>
+<div>He indicated with a gesture</div>
+<div>The pile of newly fashioned vesture:</div>
+<div>His eyes on hers a moment centered,</div>
+<div>And then he went, as he had entered.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/i-051.png" width="400" height="382" alt="GRIMM NAMES R-r-r-r-rumplestilz!" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span>
+As by this tale you have been grieved</div>
+<div class="i1">And heartily distressed,</div>
+<div>Kind sir, you will be much relieved</div>
+<div class="i1">To know his name she guessed:</div>
+<div>But if I do not tell the same,</div>
+<div class="i1">Pray count it not a crime:&#8212;</div>
+<div>I&#8217;ve tried my best, and for that name</div>
+<div class="i1">I can&#8217;t find any rhyme!</div>
+<div>Yet spare me from remarks injurious:</div>
+<div>I will not leave you foiled and furious.</div>
+<div>If something must proclaim the answer,</div>
+<div>And I cannot, the title can, sir!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span><em>The Moral</em> is: All said and done,</div>
+<div>There&#8217;s nothing new beneath the sun,</div>
+<div>And many times before, a title</div>
+<div>Was incapacity&#8217;s requital!</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span><a name="sore" id="sore"></a>How Jack Made the Giants<br />Uncommonly Sore</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft">
+<div>Of all the ill-fated</div>
+<div>Boys ever created</div>
+<div class="i1">Young Jack was the wretchedest lad:</div>
+<div>An emphatic, erratic,</div>
+<div>Dogmatic fanatic</div>
+<div class="i1">Was foisted upon him as dad!</div>
+<div>From the time he could walk,</div>
+<div>And before he could talk,</div>
+<div class="i1">His wearisome training began,</div>
+<div>On a highly barbarian,</div>
+<div>Disciplinarian,</div>
+<div>Nearly Tartarean</div>
+<div class="i4">Plan!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-053.png" width="300" height="351" alt="THE REASON FOR REASON" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span>He taught him some Raleigh,</div>
+<div>And some of Macaulay,</div>
+<div class="i1">Till all of &#8220;Horatius&#8221; he knew,</div>
+<div>And the drastic, sarcastic,</div>
+<div>Fantastic, scholastic</div>
+<div class="i1">Philippics of &#8220;Junius,&#8221; too.</div>
+<div>He made him learn lots</div>
+<div>Of the poems of Watts,</div>
+<div class="i1">And frequently said he ignored,</div>
+<div>On principle, any son&#8217;s</div>
+<div>Title to benisons</div>
+<div>Till he&#8217;d learned Tennyson&#8217;s</div>
+<div class="i4">&#8220;Maud.&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div class="o">&#8220;For these are the giants</div>
+<div>Of thought and of science,&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i1">He said in his positive way:</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;So weigh them, obey them,</div>
+<div>Display them, and lay them</div>
+<div class="i1">To heart in your infancy&#8217;s day!&#8221;</div>
+<div>Jack made no reply,</div>
+<div>But he said on the sly</div>
+<div class="i1">An eloquent word, that had come</div>
+<div>From a quite indefensible,</div>
+<div>Most reprehensible,</div>
+<div>But indispensable</div>
+<div class="i4">Chum.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span>
+By the time he was twenty</div>
+<div>Jack had such a plenty</div>
+<div class="i1">Of books and paternal advice,</div>
+<div>Though seedy and needy,</div>
+<div>Indeed he was greedy</div>
+<div class="i1">For vengeance, whatever the price!</div>
+<div>In the editor&#8217;s seat</div>
+<div>Of a critical sheet</div>
+<div class="i1">He found the revenge that he sought;</div>
+<div>And, with sterling appliance of</div>
+<div>Mind, wrote defiance of</div>
+<div>All of the giants of</div>
+<div class="i4">Thought.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>He&#8217;d thunder and grumble</div>
+<div>At high and at humble</div>
+<div class="i1">Until he became, in a while,</div>
+<div>Mordacious, pugnacious,</div>
+<div>Rapacious. Good gracious!</div>
+<div class="i1">They called him the Yankee Carlyle!</div>
+<div>But he never took rest</div>
+<div>On his quarrelsome quest</div>
+<div class="i1">Of the giants, both mighty and small.</div>
+<div>He slated, distorted them,</div>
+<div>Hanged them and quartered them,</div>
+<div>Till he had slaughtered them</div>
+<div class="i4">All.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span>And this is <em>The Moral</em> that lies in the verse:</div>
+<div>If you have a go farther, you&#8217;re apt to fare worse.</div>
+<div>(When you turn it around it is different rather:&#8212;</div>
+<div>You&#8217;re not apt to go worse if you have a fair father!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-056.png" width="300" height="239" alt="HORACE" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span><a name="rewarded" id="rewarded"></a>How Rudeness and Kindness<br />Were Justly Rewarded</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>Once on a time, long years ago</div>
+<div class="i1">(Just when I quite forget),</div>
+<div>Two maidens lived beside the Po,</div>
+<div class="i1">One blonde and one brunette.</div>
+<div>The blonde one&#8217;s character was mild,</div>
+<div>From morning until night she smiled,</div>
+<div>Whereas the one whose hair was brown</div>
+<div>Did little else than pine and frown.</div>
+<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think one ought to draw the line</div>
+<div class="i1">At girls who always frown and pine!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>The blonde one learned to play the harp,</div>
+<div class="i1">Like all accomplished dames,</div>
+<div>And trained her voice to take <em>C</em> sharp</div>
+<div class="i1">As well as Emma Eames;</div>
+<div>Made baskets out of scented grass,</div>
+<div>And paper-weights of hammered brass,</div>
+<div>And lots of other odds and ends</div>
+<div>For gentleman and lady friends.</div>
+<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think it takes a deal of sense</div>
+<div class="i1">To manufacture gifts for gents!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span>
+The dark one wore an air of gloom,</div>
+<div class="i1">Proclaimed the world a bore,</div>
+<div>And took her breakfast in her room</div>
+<div class="i1">Three mornings out of four.</div>
+<div>With crankiness she seemed imbued,</div>
+<div>And everything she said was rude:</div>
+<div>She sniffed, and sneered, and, what is more,</div>
+<div>When very much provoked, she swore!</div>
+<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think that I could never care</div>
+<div class="i1">For any girl who&#8217;d learned to swear!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>One day the blonde was striding past</div>
+<div class="i1">A forest, all alone,</div>
+<div>When all at once her eyes she cast</div>
+<div class="i1">Upon a wrinkled crone,</div>
+<div>Who tottered near with shaking knees,</div>
+<div>And said: &#8220;A penny, if you please!&#8221;</div>
+<div>And you will learn with some surprise</div>
+<div>This was a fairy in disguise!</div>
+<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think it must be hard to know</div>
+<div class="i1">A fairy who&#8217;s incognito!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span>
+The maiden filled her trembling palms</div>
+<div class="i1">With coinage of the realm.</div>
+<div>The fairy said: &#8220;Take back your alms!</div>
+<div class="i1">My heart they overwhelm.</div>
+<div>Henceforth at every word shall slip</div>
+<div>A pearl or ruby from your lip!&#8221;</div>
+<div>And, when the girl got home that night,&#8212;</div>
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span>
+She found the fairy&#8217;s words were right!</div>
+<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think there are not many girls</div>
+<div class="i1">Whose words are worth their weight in pearls!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-060.png" width="300" height="433" alt="THE PO SISTERS PEARLIE &#38; TOADIE" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span>
+It happened that the cross brunette,</div>
+<div class="i1">Ten minutes later, came</div>
+<div>Along the self-same road, and met</div>
+<div class="i1">That bent and wrinkled dame,</div>
+<div>Who asked her humbly for a sou.</div>
+<div>The girl replied: &#8220;Get out with you!&#8221;</div>
+<div>The fairy cried: &#8220;Each word you drop,</div>
+<div>A toad from out your mouth shall hop!&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think that nothing incommodes</div>
+<div class="i1">One&#8217;s speech like uninvited toads!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>And so it was, the cheerful blonde</div>
+<div class="i1">Lived on in joy and bliss,</div>
+<div>And grew pecunious, beyond</div>
+<div class="i1">The dreams of avarice!</div>
+<div>And to a nice young man was wed,</div>
+<div>And I have often heard it said</div>
+<div>No other man who ever walked</div>
+<div>Most loved his wife when most she talked!</div>
+<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think this very fact, forsooth,</div>
+<div class="i1">Goes far to prove I tell the truth!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span>
+The cross brunette the fairy&#8217;s joke</div>
+<div class="i1">By hook or crook survived,</div>
+<div>But still at every word she spoke</div>
+<div class="i1">An ugly toad arrived,</div>
+<div>Until at last she had to come</div>
+<div>To feigning she was wholly dumb,</div>
+<div>Whereat the suitors swarmed around,</div>
+<div>And soon a wealthy mate she found.</div>
+<div class="i1">(<em>I</em> think nobody ever knew</div>
+<div class="i1">The happier husband of the two!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><em>The Moral</em> of the tale is: Bah!</div>
+<div><em>Nous avons chang&#233; tout cel&#224;.</em></div>
+<div>No clear idea I hope to strike</div>
+<div>Of what <em>your</em> nicest girl is like,</div>
+<div>But she whose best young man <em>I</em> am</div>
+<div>Is not an oyster, nor a clam!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/i-063.png" width="400" height="497" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="caption four2">
+<div>This shows why each suitor, who rode up to spark,</div>
+<div>Would mark the toad maybe, but ne&#8217;er toed the mark.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span><a name="beast" id="beast"></a>How Beauty Contrived to Get<br />Square with the Beast</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>Miss Guinevere Platt</div>
+<div>Was so beautiful that</div>
+<div class="i1">She couldn&#8217;t remember the day</div>
+<div>When one of her swains</div>
+<div>Hadn&#8217;t taken the pains</div>
+<div class="i1">To send her a mammoth bouquet.</div>
+<div>And the postman had found,</div>
+<div>On the whole of his round,</div>
+<div class="i1">That no one received such a lot</div>
+<div>Of bulky epistles</div>
+<div>As, waiting his whistles,</div>
+<div class="i1">The beautiful Guinevere got!</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 500px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-066.png" width="500" height="420" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 t4 b">
+<div>A significant sign</div>
+<div>That her charm was divine</div>
+<div class="i1">Was seen in society, when</div>
+<div>The chaperons sniffed</div>
+<div>With their eyebrows alift:</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;Whatever&#8217;s got into the men?&#8221;</div>
+<div>There was always a man</div>
+<div>Who was holding her fan,</div>
+<div class="i1">And twenty that danced in details,</div>
+<div>And a couple of mourners,</div>
+<div>Who brooded in corners,</div>
+<div class="i1">And gnawed their mustaches and nails.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span>John Jeremy Platt</div>
+<div>Wouldn&#8217;t stay in the flat,</div>
+<div class="i1">For his beautiful daughter he missed:</div>
+<div>When he&#8217;d taken his tub,</div>
+<div>He would hie to his club,</div>
+<div class="i1">And dally with poker or whist.</div>
+<div>At the end of a year</div>
+<div>It was perfectly clear</div>
+<div class="i1">That he&#8217;d never computed the cost,</div>
+<div>For he hadn&#8217;t a penny</div>
+<div>To settle the many</div>
+<div class="i1">Ten thousands of dollars he&#8217;d lost!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>F. Ferdinand Fife</div>
+<div>Was a student of life:</div>
+<div class="i1">He was coarse, and excessively fat,</div>
+<div>With a beard like a goat&#8217;s,</div>
+<div>But he held all the notes</div>
+<div class="i1">Of ruined John Jeremy Platt!</div>
+<div>With an adamant smile</div>
+<div>That was brimming with guile,</div>
+<div class="i1">He said: &#8220;I am took with the face</div>
+<div>Of your beautiful daughter,</div>
+<div>And wed me she ought ter,</div>
+<div class="i1">To save you from utter disgrace!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span>Miss Guinevere Platt</div>
+<div>Didn&#8217;t hesitate at</div>
+<div class="i1">Her duty&#8217;s imperative call.</div>
+<div>When they looked at the bride</div>
+<div>All the chaperons cried:</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;She isn&#8217;t so bad, after all!&#8221;</div>
+<div>Of the desolate men</div>
+<div>There were something like ten</div>
+<div class="i1">Who took up political lives,</div>
+<div>And the flower of the flock</div>
+<div>Went and fell off a dock,</div>
+<div class="i1">And the rest married hideous wives!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-068.png" width="300" height="358" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span>But the beautiful wife</div>
+<div>Of F. Ferdinand Fife</div>
+<div class="i1">Was the wildest that ever was known:</div>
+<div>She&#8217;d grumble and glare,</div>
+<div>Till the man didn&#8217;t dare</div>
+<div class="i1">To say that his soul was his own.</div>
+<div>She sneered at his ills,</div>
+<div>And quadrupled his bills,</div>
+<div class="i1">And spent nearly twice what he earned;</div>
+<div>Her husband deserted,</div>
+<div>And frivoled, and flirted,</div>
+<div class="i1">Till Ferdinand&#8217;s reason was turned.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/i-069.png" width="600" height="286" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span>He repented too late,</div>
+<div>And his terrible fate</div>
+<div class="i1">Upon him so heavily sat,</div>
+<div>That he swore at the day</div>
+<div>When he sat down to play</div>
+<div class="i1">At cards with John Jeremy Platt.</div>
+<div>He was dead in a year,</div>
+<div>And the fair Guinevere</div>
+<div class="i1">In society sparkled again,</div>
+<div>While the chaperons fluttered</div>
+<div>Their fans, as they muttered:</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;She&#8217;s getting exceedingly plain!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><em>The Moral</em>: Predicaments often are found</div>
+<div>That beautiful duty is apt to get round:</div>
+<div>But greedy extortioners better beware</div>
+<div>For dutiful beauty is apt to get square!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-071.jpg" width="600" height="704" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="caption four2">
+<div>This shows how at poker one loses his pelf</div>
+<div>When the other&#8217;s a joker and knave in himself.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span><a name="accorded" id="accorded"></a>How a Fair One no Hope to<br />His Highness Accorded</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>She has slid down the channels</div>
+<div>Of history&#8217;s annals</div>
+<div class="i1">Disguised as the child of a king,</div>
+<div>But that is a glib</div>
+<div>And iniquitous fib,</div>
+<div class="i1">For she never was any such thing:</div>
+<div>They called her the Fair One with Golden Locks,</div>
+<div>And it&#8217;s true she had lovers who swarmed in flocks,</div>
+<div>But the rest is ironic;</div>
+<div>Her business chronic</div>
+<div>Was selling hair-tonic</div>
+<div class="i6">By bottle and box!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>From the dawn till the gloaming</div>
+<div>She used to sit combing</div>
+<div class="i1">Her hair in a languorous way.</div>
+<div>And her suitors would stop</div>
+<div>To look into the shop,</div>
+<div class="i1">And stand there the rest of the day.</div>
+<div>She filled them with mute, but with deep despair,</div>
+<div>For she never glanced up, with a smile, to where</div>
+<div>They stood about, crushing</div>
+<div>Each other, and blushing:</div>
+<div>She simply kept brushing</div>
+<div class="i6">Her beautiful hair.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span>
+But a prince who was passing,</div>
+<div>Engaged in amassing</div>
+<div class="i1">Some facts on American life,</div>
+<div>Was suddenly struck</div>
+<div>By the fact that his luck</div>
+<div class="i1">Might give him that girl for a wife!</div>
+<div>His rashness he didn&#8217;t attempt to excuse,</div>
+<div>He entered the shop and he stated his views.</div>
+<div>Remarking,</div>
+<div class="i5">&#8220;My jewel,</div>
+<div>I&#8217;m confident you will</div>
+<div>Not wish to be cruel</div>
+<div class="i6">Enough to refuse.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/i-074.png" width="400" height="252" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span>
+&#8220;Most winsome of creatures,&#8221;</div>
+<div>He told her, &#8220;your features</div>
+<div class="i1">Have led me to candidly say</div>
+<div>That no other beside</div>
+<div>Would I have for a bride:</div>
+<div class="i1">We&#8217;ll be married a week from to-day!</div>
+<div>I belong to a long and a titled line,</div>
+<div>And the least of your wishes I won&#8217;t decline;</div>
+<div>Next month I will usher</div>
+<div>My wife into Russia:&#8212;</div>
+<div>Sweet comber and brusher,</div>
+<div class="i6">Consider you&#8217;re mine!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>She looked at him squarely,</div>
+<div>Considered him fairly,</div>
+<div class="i1">Her glance was as keen as a knife,</div>
+<div>Then she turned up her nose,</div>
+<div>And, with icy repose,</div>
+<div class="i1">She answered: &#8220;Well, not on your life!</div>
+<div>You&#8217;re not on the paper the only blot!</div>
+<div>Do you think I come twelve in a parcel&#8212;what?</div>
+<div><em>Me</em> pose as your dearie?</div>
+<div>Oh, go and chase Peary!</div>
+<div>You&#8217;re making me weary.</div>
+<div class="i6">Now git!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div class="center"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span>(He got!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-077.png" width="600" height="753" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="caption four2">
+<div>This shows how, with never a shadow of doubt,</div>
+<div>When you go in for love you are apt to come out.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span>
+The crowd that had waited</div>
+<div>Outside was elated</div>
+<div class="i1">So much by the prince&#8217;s mischance,</div>
+<div>That they greeted with jeers</div>
+<div>And ironical cheers,</div>
+<div class="i1">The end of his little romance.</div>
+<div>They said: &#8220;Did it hurt when the ground you hit?&#8221;</div>
+<div>They searched for some mark where the prince had lit,</div>
+<div>And as he looked colder,</div>
+<div>They only grew bolder,</div>
+<div>And tapped on his shoulder</div>
+<div class="i6">With: &#8220;Tag! You&#8217;re It!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>The lengthy discussion</div>
+<div>That sensitive Russian</div>
+<div class="i1">Compiled on the U. S. A.</div>
+<div>Was read by the maid,</div>
+<div>As she carelessly played</div>
+<div class="i1">With her beautiful hair one day.</div>
+<div>&#8220;The talk you hear in that primitive land,&#8221;</div>
+<div>He wrote, &#8220;nobody can understand.&#8221;</div>
+<div>&#8220;Somebody who guffed him,&#8221;</div>
+<div>She said, &#8220;has stuffed him,</div>
+<div>And easily bluffed him</div>
+<div class="i6">To beat the band!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span><em>The Moral</em>: The people across the brine</div>
+<div>Are exceedingly strong on Auld Lang Syne,</div>
+<div>But they&#8217;re lost in the push when they strike a gang</div>
+<div>That is strong on American new line slang!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright b" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/i-080.png" width="200" height="276" alt="SLANG" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span><a name="released" id="released"></a>How Thomas a Maid from<br />a Dragon Released</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>Though Philip the Second</div>
+<div>Of France was reckoned</div>
+<div class="i1">No coward, his breath came short</div>
+<div>When they told him a dragon</div>
+<div>As big as a wagon</div>
+<div class="i1">Was waiting below in the court!</div>
+<div>A dragon so long, and so wide, and so fat,</div>
+<div>That he couldn&#8217;t get in at the door to chat:</div>
+<div>The king couldn&#8217;t leave him</div>
+<div>Outside and grieve him,</div>
+<div>He had to receive him</div>
+<div class="i6">Upon the mat,</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright b" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/i-081.png" width="400" height="210" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span>The dragon bowed nicely,</div>
+<div>And very concisely</div>
+<div class="i1">He stated the reason he&#8217;d called:</div>
+<div>He made the disclosure</div>
+<div>With frigid composure.</div>
+<div class="i1">King Philip was simply appalled!</div>
+<div>He demanded for eating, a fortnight apart,</div>
+<div>The monarch&#8217;s ten daughters, all dear to his heart.</div>
+<div>&#8220;And now you&#8217;ll produce,&#8221; he</div>
+<div>Concluded, &#8220;the juicy</div>
+<div>And succulent Lucie</div>
+<div class="i6">By way of start!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>King Philip was pliant,</div>
+<div>And far from defiant</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8212;&#8220;And servile,&#8221; no doubt you retort!&#8212;</div>
+<div>But if <em>you</em> struck a snag on</div>
+<div>A bottle-green dragon,</div>
+<div class="i1">Who filled up two-thirds of your court,</div>
+<div>And curled up his tail on your new tin roof,</div>
+<div>And made your piazza groan under his hoof,</div>
+<div>Would you threaten and thunder,</div>
+<div>Or just knuckle under</div>
+<div>Completely, I wonder,</div>
+<div class="i6">If put to proof?</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-083.png" width="600" height="327" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w t b">
+<div>By way of a truce, he</div>
+<div>Brought out little Lucie</div>
+<div class="i1">And watched her conducted away,</div>
+<div>But all of the others</div>
+<div>Were out with their brothers!</div>
+<div class="i1">Thus gaining a little delay,</div>
+<div>He promised through heralds sent west and east,</div>
+<div>His crown, and his kingdom, and last, not least,</div>
+<div>His daughter so sightly</div>
+<div>To any one knightly</div>
+<div>Who&#8217;d come and politely</div>
+<div class="i6">Wipe out that beast!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span>For love of the charmer,</div>
+<div>Arrayed in his armor,</div>
+<div class="i1">Each suitor for glory who yearned,</div>
+<div>Would gallantly hasten,</div>
+<div>The dragon to chasten,</div>
+<div class="i1">But none of them ever returned!</div>
+<div>When the dragon had eaten some sixteen score</div>
+<div>He hung up this sign on his cavern door,</div>
+<div>Whereat he lay pronely</div>
+<div>In majesty lonely:</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b bbox">
+<div><em>There&#8217;s Standing Room Only</em></div>
+<div class="i6"><em>For Three Knights More!</em></div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>A slim adolescent,</div>
+<div>His beard only crescent,</div>
+<div class="i1">Rode up at this stage of the game</div>
+<div>To where the old sinner</div>
+<div>Lay gorged with his dinner,</div>
+<div class="i1">And breathing out torrents of flame.</div>
+<div>He gathered a tip from the flaunting sign,</div>
+<div>And took his position the fourth in line,</div>
+<div>Until, as foreboded,</div>
+<div>By food incommoded,</div>
+<div>The dragon exploded</div>
+<div class="i6">At half-past nine.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-085.png" width="600" height="776" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="caption four2">
+<div>This shows how a servant may laugh at the Fates,</div>
+<div>Since everything comes to the fellow who waits.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span>
+The king was delighted</div>
+<div>At first when he sighted</div>
+<div class="i1">The victor, but then in dismay</div>
+<div>Regretted his promise.</div>
+<div>The stripling was Thomas,</div>
+<div class="i1">His Majesty&#8217;s <em>valet-de-pied</em>!</div>
+<div>He asked him at once: &#8220;Will you compromise?&#8221;</div>
+<div>But Thomas looked straight in his master&#8217;s eyes,</div>
+<div>And answered severely:</div>
+<div>&#8220;I see your game clearly,</div>
+<div>And scorn it sincerely.</div>
+<div class="i6">Hand out the prize!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>Not long did he linger</div>
+<div>Before on the finger</div>
+<div class="i1">Of Lucie he fitted a ring:</div>
+<div>A month or two later</div>
+<div>They made him dictator,</div>
+<div class="i1">In place of the elderly king:</div>
+<div>He was lauded by pulpit, and boomed by press,</div>
+<div>And no one had ever a chance to guess,</div>
+<div>Beholding this hero</div>
+<div>Who ruled like a Nero,</div>
+<div>His valor was zero,</div>
+<div class="i6">Or something less.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><em>The Moral:</em> And still from Nice to Calais</div>
+<div>Discretion&#8217;s the better part of&#8212;</div>
+<div class="center"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span>&#8212;<em>valets!</em></div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span><a name="suited" id="suited"></a><em>How a Beauty was Waked<br />and Her Suitor was Suited</em></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div>Albeit wholly penniless,</div>
+<div>Prince Charming wasn&#8217;t any less</div>
+<div class="i1">Conceited than a Croesus or a modern millionaire:</div>
+<div>Though often in necessity,</div>
+<div>No one would ever guess it. He</div>
+<div class="i1">Was candidly insolvent, and he frankly didn&#8217;t care!</div>
+<div>Of the many debts he made</div>
+<div>Not a one was ever paid,</div>
+<div class="i1">But no one ever pressed him to refund the borrowed gold:</div>
+<div>While he recklessly kept spending,</div>
+<div>People gladly kept on lending,</div>
+<div class="i1">For the fact they knew a title</div>
+<div class="i7">Was requital</div>
+<div class="i8">Twenty-fold!</div>
+<div class="i3">(He lived in sixteen sixty-three,</div>
+<div class="i4">This smooth unblushing article,</div>
+<div class="i3">Since when, as far as I can see,</div>
+<div class="i4">Men haven&#8217;t changed a particle!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span>In Charming&#8217;s principality</div>
+<div>There was a wild locality,</div>
+<div class="i1">Composed of sombre forest, and of steep and frowning crags,</div>
+<div>Of pheasant and of rabbit, too;</div>
+<div>And here it was his habit to</div>
+<div class="i1">Go hunting with his courtiers in the keen pursuit of stags.</div>
+<div>But the charger that he rode</div>
+<div>So mercurially strode</div>
+<div class="i1">That the prince on one occasion left the others in the lurch,</div>
+<div>And the falling darkness found him,</div>
+<div>With no vassals left around him,</div>
+<div class="i1">Near a building like an abbey,</div>
+<div class="i7">Or a shabby</div>
+<div class="i8">Ruined church.</div>
+<div>His Highness said: &#8220;I&#8217;ll ring the bell</div>
+<div class="i1">And stay till morning in it!&#8221; (He</div>
+<div>Took Hobson&#8217;s choice, for no hotel</div>
+<div class="i1">There was in the vicinity.)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span>His ringing was so vehement</div>
+<div>That any one could see he meant</div>
+<div class="i1">To suffer no refusal, but, in spite of all the din,</div>
+<div>There was no answer audible,</div>
+<div>And so, with courage laudable,</div>
+<div class="i1">His Royal Highness turned the knob, and stoutly entered in.</div>
+<div>Then he strode across the court,</div>
+<div>But he suddenly stopped short</div>
+<div class="i1">When he passed within the castle by a massive oaken door:</div>
+<div>There were courtiers without number,</div>
+<div>But they all were plunged in slumber,</div>
+<div class="i1">The prince&#8217;s ear delighting</div>
+<div class="i7">By uniting</div>
+<div class="i8">In a snore.</div>
+<div>The prince remarked: &#8220;This must be Philadelphia, Pennsylvania!&#8221;</div>
+<div>(And so was born the jest that&#8217;s still</div>
+<div class="i1">The comic journal&#8217;s mania!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/i-093.png" width="500" height="599" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="caption four2">
+<div>This shows how the prince won the princess&#8217;s heart,</div>
+<div>And the end of her sleeping was simply a start.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span>With torpor reprehensible,</div>
+<div>Numb, comatose, insensible,</div>
+<div class="i1">The flunkeys and the chamberlains all slumbered like the dead,</div>
+<div>And snored so loud and mournfully,</div>
+<div>That Charming passed them scornfully</div>
+<div class="i1">And came to where a princess lay asleep upon a bed.</div>
+<div>She was so extremely fair</div>
+<div>That His Highness didn&#8217;t care</div>
+<div class="i1">For the risk, and so he kissed her ere a single word he spoke:&#8212;</div>
+<div>In a jiffy maids and pages,</div>
+<div>Ushers, lackeys, squires, and sages,</div>
+<div class="i1">As fresh as if they&#8217;d been at least</div>
+<div class="i7">A week awake,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-095a.png" width="600" height="176" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3">
+<div class="i7">Awoke,</div>
+<div>And hastened, bustled, dashed and ran</div>
+<div class="i1">Up stairways and through galleries:</div>
+<div>In brief, they one and all began</div>
+<div class="i1">Again to earn their salaries!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-095b.png" width="600" height="452" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span>Aroused from her paralysis,</div>
+<div>As if in deep analysis</div>
+<div class="i1">Of him who had awakened her, the princess met his eye:</div>
+<div>Her glance at first was critical,</div>
+<div>And sternly analytical.</div>
+<div class="i1">And then she dropped her lashes and she gave a little sigh.</div>
+<div>As he watched her, wholly dumb,</div>
+<div>She observed: &#8220;You doubtless come</div>
+<div class="i1">For one of two good reasons, and I&#8217;m going to ask you which.</div>
+<div>Do you mean my house to harry,
+Or do you propose to marry?&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i1">He answered: &#8220;I may rue it,</div>
+<div class="i7">But I&#8217;ll do it,</div>
+<div class="i8">If you&#8217;re rich!&#8221;</div>
+<div>The princess murmured with a smile:</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;I&#8217;ve millions, at the least, to come!&#8221;</div>
+<div>The prince cried: &#8220;Please excuse me, while</div>
+<div class="i1">I go and get the priest to come!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><em>The Moral</em>: When affairs go ill</div>
+<div>The sleeping partner foots the bill.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span><a name="chap" id="chap"></a><em>How Jack Found that Beans<br />May go Back on a Chap</em></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div>Without the slightest basis</div>
+<div>For hypochondriasis</div>
+<div class="i1">A widow had forebodings which a cloud around her flung,</div>
+<div>And with expression cynical</div>
+<div>For half the day a clinical</div>
+<div class="i1">Thermometer she held beneath her tongue.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div>Whene&#8217;er she read the papers</div>
+<div>She suffered from the vapors,</div>
+<div class="i1">At every tale of malady or accident she&#8217;d groan;</div>
+<div>In every new and smart disease,</div>
+<div>From housemaid&#8217;s knee to heart disease,</div>
+<div class="i1">She recognized the symptoms as her own!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div>She had a yearning chronic</div>
+<div>To try each novel tonic,</div>
+<div class="i1">Elixir, panacea, lotion, opiate, and balm;</div>
+<div>And from a hom&#339;opathist</div>
+<div>Would change to an hydropathist,</div>
+<div class="i1">And back again, with stupefying calm!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-098.png" width="600" height="398" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 t b">
+<div>The closets of her villa</div>
+<div>Were full of sarsaparilla,</div>
+<div class="i1">Ammonia, digitalis, bronchial troches, soda mint.</div>
+<div>Restoratives hirsutical,</div>
+<div>And soaps to clean the cuticle,</div>
+<div class="i1">And iodine, and peptonoids, and lint.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div>She was nervous, cataleptic,</div>
+<div>And anemic, and dyspeptic:</div>
+<div class="i1">Though not convinced of apoplexy, yet she had her fears.</div>
+<div>She dwelt with force fanatical</div>
+<div>Upon a twinge rheumatical,</div>
+<div class="i1">And said she had a buzzing in her ears!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span>Now all of this bemoaning
+And this grumbling and this groaning</div>
+<div class="i1">The mind of Jack, her son and heir, unconscionably bored.</div>
+<div>His heart completely hardening,
+He gave his time to gardening,</div>
+<div class="i1">For raising beans was something he adored.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/i-099.png" width="500" height="395" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span>
+Each hour in accents morbid</div>
+<div>This limp maternal bore bid</div>
+<div class="i1">Her callous son affectionate and lachrymose good-bys.</div>
+<div>She never granted Jack a day</div>
+<div>Without some long &#8220;Alackaday!&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i1">Accompanied by rolling of the eyes.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div>But Jack, no panic showing,</div>
+<div>Just watched his beanstalk growing,</div>
+<div class="i1">And twined with tender fingers the tendrils up the pole.</div>
+<div>At all her words funereal</div>
+<div>He smiled a smile ethereal,</div>
+<div class="i1">Or sighed an absent-minded &#8220;Bless my soul!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span>That hollow-hearted creature</div>
+<div>Would never change a feature:</div>
+<div class="i1">No tear bedimmed his eye, however touching was her talk.</div>
+<div>She never fussed or flurried him,</div>
+<div>The only thing that worried him</div>
+<div class="i1">Was when no bean-pods grew upon the stalk!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w3 b">
+<div>But then he wabbled loosely
+His head, and wept profusely,</div>
+<div class="i1">And, taking out his handkerchief to mop away his tears,</div>
+<div>Exclaimed: &#8220;It hasn&#8217;t got any!&#8221;</div>
+<div>He found this blow to botany</div>
+<div class="i1">Was sadder than were all his mother&#8217;s fears.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span><em>The Moral</em> is that gardeners pine</div>
+<div>Whene&#8217;er no pods adorn the vine.</div>
+<div>Of all sad words experience gleans</div>
+<div>The saddest are: &#8220;It <em>might</em> have beans.&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i1">(I did not make this up myself:</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8217;Twas in a book upon my shelf.</div>
+<div class="i1">It&#8217;s witty, but I don&#8217;t deny</div>
+<div class="i1">It&#8217;s rather Whittier than I!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-102.png" width="300" height="287" alt="It might have beans!" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span><a name="booted" id="booted"></a><em>How a Cat Was Annoyed and<br />a Poet Was Booted</em></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft">
+<div>A poet had a cat.</div>
+<div>There is nothing odd in that&#8212;</div>
+<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> make a little pun about the <em>Mews</em>!)</div>
+<div>But what is really more</div>
+<div>Remarkable, she wore</div>
+<div class="i1">A pair of pointed patent-leather shoes.</div>
+<div class="i2">And I doubt me greatly whether</div>
+<div class="i3">E&#8217;er you heard the like of that:</div>
+<div class="i2">Pointed shoes of patent-leather</div>
+<div class="i8">On a cat!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright b" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/i-103.png" width="200" height="159" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>His time he used to pass</div>
+<div>Writing sonnets, on the grass&#8212;</div>
+<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> say something good on <em>pen</em> and <em>sward</em>!)</div>
+<div>While the cat sat near at hand,</div>
+<div>Trying hard to understand</div>
+<div class="i1">The poems he occasionally roared.</div>
+<div class="i2">(I myself possess a feline,</div>
+<div class="i3">But when poetry I roar</div>
+<div class="i2">He is sure to make a bee-line</div>
+<div class="i8">For the door.)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span>The poet, cent by cent,</div>
+<div>All his patrimony spent&#8212;</div>
+<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> tell how he went from <em>werse</em> to <em>werse</em>!)</div>
+<div>Till the cat was sure she could,</div>
+<div>By advising, do him good</div>
+<div class="i1">So addressed him in a manner that was terse:</div>
+<div class="i2o">&#8220;We are bound toward the scuppers,</div>
+<div class="i3">And the time has come to act,</div>
+<div class="i2">Or we&#8217;ll both be on our uppers</div>
+<div class="i8">For a fact!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>On her boot she fixed her eye,</div>
+<div>But the boot made no reply&#8212;</div>
+<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> say: &#8220;Couldn&#8217;t speak to save <em>its sole</em>!&#8221;)</div>
+<div>And the foolish bard, instead</div>
+<div>Of responding, only read</div>
+<div class="i1">A verse that wasn&#8217;t bad upon the whole:</div>
+<div class="i2">And it pleased the cat so greatly,</div>
+<div class="i3">Though she knew not what it meant,</div>
+<div class="i2">That I&#8217;ll quote approximately</div>
+<div class="i8">How it went:&#8212;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div class="o">&#8220;If I should live to be</div>
+<div>The last leaf upon the tree&#8221;&#8212;</div>
+<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> put in: &#8220;I think I&#8217;d just as <em>leaf</em>!&#8221;)</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;Let them smile, as I do now,</div>
+<div>At the old forsaken bough&#8221;&#8212;</div>
+<div class="i1">Well, he&#8217;d plagiarized it bodily, in brief!</div>
+<div class="i2">But that cat of simple breeding</div>
+<div class="i3">Couldn&#8217;t read the lines between,</div>
+<div class="i2">So she took it to a leading</div>
+<div class="i8">Magazine.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-105a.png" width="200" height="191" alt="EDITOR" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2">
+<div>She was jarred and very sore</div>
+<div>When they showed her to the door.</div>
+<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> hit off the <em>door</em> that was <em>a jar</em>!)</div>
+<div>To the spot she swift returned</div>
+<div>Where the poet sighed and yearned,</div>
+<div class="i1">And she told him that he&#8217;d gone a little far.</div>
+<div class="i2o">&#8220;Your performance with this rhyme has</div>
+<div class="i3">Made me absolutely sick,&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i2">She remarked. &#8220;I think the time has</div>
+<div class="i8">Come to kick!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/i-105b.png" width="200" height="150" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span>
+I could fill up half the page</div>
+<div>With descriptions of her rage&#8212;</div>
+<div class="i1">(I <em>might</em> say that she went a bit <em>too fur</em>!)</div>
+<div>When he smiled and murmured: &#8220;Shoo!&#8221;</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;There is one thing I can do!&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i1">She answered with a wrathful kind of purr.</div>
+<div class="i2o">&#8220;You may shoo me, and it suit you,</div>
+<div class="i3">But I feel my conscience bid</div>
+<div class="i2">Me, as tit for tat, to boot you!&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i8">(Which she did.)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-106.png" width="300" height="222" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w t b">
+<div><em>The Moral</em> of the plot</div>
+<div>(Though I say it, as should not!)</div>
+<div class="i1">Is: An editor is difficult to suit.</div>
+<div>But again there&#8217;re other times</div>
+<div>When the man who fashions rhymes</div>
+<div class="i1">Is a rascal, and a bully one to boot!</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span><a name="cap" id="cap"></a><em>How Much Fortunatus Could<br />Do with a Cap</em></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>Fortunatus, a fisherman Dane,</div>
+<div>Set out on a sudden for Spain,</div>
+<div class="i1">Because, runs the story,</div>
+<div class="i1">He&#8217;d met with a hoary</div>
+<div class="i3">Mysterious sorcerer chap,</div>
+<div class="i1">Who, trouble to save him,</div>
+<div class="i1">Most thoughtfully gave him</div>
+<div class="i3">A magical traveling cap.</div>
+<div>I barely believe that the story is true,</div>
+<div>But here&#8217;s what that cap was reported to do.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-108.png" width="300" height="345" alt="MON DIEU!" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b">
+<div>Suppose you were sitting at home,</div>
+<div>And you wished to see Paris or Rome,</div>
+<div class="i1">You&#8217;d pick up that bonnet,</div>
+<div class="i1">You&#8217;d carefully don it,</div>
+<div class="i3">The name of the city you&#8217;d call,</div>
+<div class="i1">And the very next minute</div>
+<div class="i1">By Jove, you were in it,</div>
+<div class="i3">Without having started at all!</div>
+<div>One moment you sauntered on upper Broadway,</div>
+<div>And the next on the Corso or rue de la Paix!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-109.png" width="400" height="580" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="caption four2">
+<div>This shows Fortunatus, a restlessness feeling,</div>
+<div>Forsaking his fishing, and leaving his ceiling.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span>
+Why, it beat every journey of Cook&#8217;s,</div>
+<div>Knocked spots out of Baedeker&#8217;s books!</div>
+<div class="i1">He stepped from his doorway</div>
+<div class="i1">Direct into Norway,</div>
+<div class="i3">He hopped in a trice to Ceylon,</div>
+<div class="i1">He saw Madagascar,</div>
+<div class="i1">Went round by Alaska,</div>
+<div class="i3">And called on a girl in Luzon:</div>
+<div>If they said she&#8217;d be down in a moment or two,</div>
+<div>He took, while he waited, a peek at Peru!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>He could wake up at eight in Siam,</div>
+<div>Take his tub, if he wanted, in Guam.</div>
+<div class="i1">Eat breakfast in Kansas,</div>
+<div class="i1">And lunch in Matanzas,</div>
+<div class="i3">Go out for a walk in Brazil,</div>
+<div class="i1">Take tea in Madeira,</div>
+<div class="i1">Dine on the Riviera,</div>
+<div class="i3"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span>
+And smoke his cigar in Seville,</div>
+<div>Go out to the theatre in Vladivostok,</div>
+<div>And retire in New York at eleven o&#8217;clock!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-112.png" width="500" height="467" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b">
+<div>Every tongue he could readily speak:</div>
+<div>French, German, Italian, Greek,</div>
+<div class="i1">Norwegian, Bulgarian,</div>
+<div class="i1">Turkish, Bavarian,</div>
+<div class="i3">Japanese, Hindustanee,</div>
+<div class="i1">Russian and Mexican!</div>
+<div class="i1">He was a lexicon,</div>
+<div class="i3">Such as you seldom will see.</div>
+<div>His knowledge linguistic gave Ollendorff fits,</div>
+<div>And brought a hot flush to the face of Berlitz!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;">
+<img src="images/i-113.png" width="200" height="149" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft b">
+<div>He would bow in an intimate way</div>
+<div>To Menelik and to Loubet,</div>
+<div class="i1">He was frequently beckoned,</div>
+<div class="i1">By William the Second,</div>
+<div class="i3">A word of advice to receive,</div>
+<div class="i1">He talked with bravado</div>
+<div class="i1">About the Mikado,</div>
+<div class="i3">King Oscar, Oom Paul, the Khedive,</div>
+<div>King Victor Emmanuel Second, the Shah,</div>
+<div>King Edward the Seventh, Kwang Su, and the Czar!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span>
+But what did he get from it all?</div>
+<div>His wife used to wait in the hall!</div>
+<div class="i1">When this wandering mortal</div>
+<div class="i1">Set foot on the portal,</div>
+<div class="i3">She always appeared on the scene,</div>
+<div class="i1">And, far from ideally,</div>
+<div class="i1">Remarked: &#8220;Well, I <em>really</em></div>
+<div class="i3">Would like to know where you have been!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-114.png" width="300" height="278" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flleft t">
+<div>Now what is the good of a wandering life,</div>
+<div>If you have to tell all that you do to your wife?</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>She&#8217;d indulge in a copious cry,</div>
+<div>She&#8217;d remark she&#8217;d undoubtedly die,</div>
+<div class="i1">Or, like many another,</div>
+<div class="i1">Go back to her mother,</div>
+<div class="i3">And what would the world think of <em>that</em>?</div>
+<div class="i1">She only grew pleasant,</div>
+<div class="i1">When offered a present</div>
+<div class="i3">Of gloves or a gown or a hat:</div>
+<div>And more than his talisman saved him in fare</div>
+<div>Fortunatus expended in putting things square!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>And <em>The Moral</em> is easily said:</div>
+<div>Like our hero, you&#8217;re certain to find,</div>
+<div>When such a cap goes on a head,</div>
+<div>Retribution will follow behind!</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span><a name="sadness" id="sadness"></a><em>How a Princess Was Wooed<br />from Habitual Sadness</em></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>In days of old the King of Saxe</div>
+<div class="i1">Had singular opinions,</div>
+<div>For with a weighty battle-axe</div>
+<div class="i1">He brutalized his minions,</div>
+<div>And, when he&#8217;d nothing to employ</div>
+<div class="i1">His mind, he chose a village,</div>
+<div>And with an air of savage joy</div>
+<div class="i1">Delivered it to pillage.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>But what aroused within his breast</div>
+<div class="i1">A rage well-nigh primeval</div>
+<div>Was, most of all, his daughter, dressed</div>
+<div class="i1">In fashion medi&#230;val:</div>
+<div>The gowns that pleased this maiden&#8217;s eye</div>
+<div class="i1">Were simple as Utopia,</div>
+<div>And for a hat she had a high</div>
+<div class="i1">Inverted cornucopia.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span>
+In all her life she&#8217;d never smiled,</div>
+<div class="i1">Her sadness was abysmal:</div>
+<div>The boisterous monarch found his child</div>
+<div class="i1">Unutterably dismal.</div>
+<div>He therefore said the prince who made</div>
+<div class="i1">Her laughter from its shell come,</div>
+<div>Besides in ducats being paid,</div>
+<div class="i1">Might wed the girl, and welcome!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>I ought to say, ere I forget,</div>
+<div class="i1">She was uncommon comely&#8212;</div>
+<div>(Who ever read a Grimm tale yet,</div>
+<div class="i1">In which the girl was homely?)</div>
+<div>And so the King&#8217;s announcement drew</div>
+<div class="i1">Nine princes in a column.</div>
+<div>But all in vain. The princess grew,</div>
+<div>If anything, more solemn.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-117a.png" width="300" height="292" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w">
+<div>One read her &#8220;Innocents Abroad,&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i1">The next wore clothes eccentric,</div>
+<div>The third one swallowed half his sword,</div>
+<div class="i1">As in the circus-tent trick.</div>
+<div>Thus eight of them into her cool</div>
+<div class="i1">Reserve but deeper shoved her:</div>
+<div>There was but one authentic fool&#8212;</div>
+<div class="i1">The prince who really loved her!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figright b" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-117b.png" width="300" height="319" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span>
+He&#8217;d alternate between the height</div>
+<div class="i1">Of hope and deep abasement,</div>
+<div>He caught distressing colds at night,</div>
+<div class="i1">By watching &#8217;neath her casement:</div>
+<div>He did what I have done, I know,</div>
+<div class="i1">And you, I do not doubt it,&#8212;</div>
+<div>Instead of bottling up his woe,</div>
+<div class="i1">He bored his friends about it!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>In brooding on the ways of Fate</div>
+<div class="i1">Long hours he daily wasted,</div>
+<div>His food remained upon his plate,</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8217;Twas scarcely touched or tasted:</div>
+<div>He said the bitter things of love,</div>
+<div class="i1">All lovers, save a few, say,</div>
+<div>And learned by heart the verses of</div>
+<div class="i1">Swinburne, and A. de Musset!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-119.png" width="400" height="363" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>This attitude his wished-for bride</div>
+<div class="i1">To silent laughter goaded,</div>
+<div>Until he talked of suicide,</div>
+<div class="i1">And then the girl exploded!</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;You make me laugh, and so,&#8221; she said,</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;I&#8217;ll marry you next season.&#8221;</div>
+<div>(Not half the people who are wed</div>
+<div class="i1">Have half so good a reason!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span>
+<em>The Moral</em>: The deliberate clown</div>
+<div>Can never beat love&#8217;s barriers down:</div>
+<div>&#8217;Tis better to be like the owl,</div>
+<div>Comic because so grave a fowl.</div>
+<div>From him we well may take our cue&#8212;</div>
+<div>By him be taught, to wit, to woo!</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span><a name="far" id="far"></a><em>How a Girl was too Reckless<br />of Grammar by Far</em></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>Matilda Maud Mackenzie frankly hadn&#8217;t any chin,</div>
+<div>Her hands were rough, her feet she turned invariably in;</div>
+<div class="i2">Her general form was German,</div>
+<div class="i3">By which I mean that you</div>
+<div class="i2">Her waist could not determine</div>
+<div class="i3">To within a foot or two:</div>
+<div>And not only did she stammer,</div>
+<div>But she used the kind of grammar</div>
+<div class="i2">That is called, for sake of euphony, askew.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>From what I say about her, don&#8217;t imagine I desire</div>
+<div>A prejudice against this worthy creature to inspire.</div>
+<div class="i2">She was willing, she was active,</div>
+<div class="i3">She was sober, she was kind,</div>
+<div class="i2">But she <em>never</em> looked attractive</div>
+<div class="i3">And she <em>hadn&#8217;t</em> any mind!</div>
+<div>I knew her more than slightly,</div>
+<div>And I treated her politely</div>
+<div class="i2">When I met her, but of course I wasn&#8217;t blind!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span>Matilda Maud Mackenzie had a habit that was droll,</div>
+<div>She spent her morning seated on a rock or on a knoll,</div>
+<div class="i2">And threw with much composure</div>
+<div class="i3"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span>
+A smallish rubber ball</div>
+<div class="i2">At an inoffensive osier</div>
+<div class="i3">By a little waterfall;</div>
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span>
+But Matilda&#8217;s way of throwing</div>
+<div>Was like other people&#8217;s mowing,</div>
+<div class="i2">And she never hit the willow-tree at all!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-125.jpg" width="600" height="706" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="caption four2">
+<div>This serves in the easiest way to explain</div>
+<div>What is meant by taking an aim in vain.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span>
+One day as Miss Mackenzie with uncommon ardor tried</div>
+<div>To hit the mark, the missile flew exceptionally wide,</div>
+<div class="i2">And, before her eyes astounded,</div>
+<div class="i3">On a fallen maple&#8217;s trunk</div>
+<div class="i2">Ricochetted, and rebounded</div>
+<div class="i3">In the rivulet, and sunk!</div>
+<div>Matilda, greatly frightened,</div>
+<div>In her grammar unenlightened,</div>
+<div class="i2">Remarked: &#8220;Well now I ast yer! Who&#8217;d &#8217;er thunk?&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flright">
+<div>But what a marvel followed! From the pool at once there rose</div>
+<div>A frog, the sphere of rubber balanced deftly on his nose.</div>
+<div class="i2">He beheld her fright and frenzy,</div>
+<div class="i3">And, her panic to dispel,</div>
+<div class="i2">On his knee by Miss Mackenzie</div>
+<div class="i3">He obsequiously fell.</div>
+<div>With quite as much decorum</div>
+<div>As a speaker in a forum</div>
+<div class="i2">He started in his history to tell.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figleft b" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-127.png" width="300" height="291" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div class="o"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span>
+&#8220;Fair maid,&#8221; he said, &#8220;I beg you, do not hesitate or wince,</div>
+<div>If you&#8217;ll promise that you&#8217;ll wed me, I&#8217;ll at once become a prince;</div>
+<div class="i2">For a fairy old and vicious</div>
+<div class="i3">An enchantment round me spun!&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i2">Then he looked up, unsuspicious,</div>
+<div class="i3">And he saw what he had won,</div>
+<div>And in terms of sad reproach he</div>
+<div>Made some comments, <em>sotto voce</em>,*</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div class="center">* (Which the publishers have bidden me to shun!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span>
+Matilda Maud Mackenzie said, as if she meant to scold:</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;I <em>never</em>! Why, you forward thing! Now ain&#8217;t you awful bold!&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i2">Just a glance he paused to give her,</div>
+<div class="i3">And his head was seen to clutch,</div>
+<div class="i2">Then he darted to the river,</div>
+<div class="i3">And he dived to beat the Dutch!</div>
+<div>While the wrathful maiden panted:</div>
+<div class="o">&#8220;I don&#8217;t think he was enchanted!&#8221;</div>
+<div class="i2">(And he really didn&#8217;t look it overmuch!)</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/i-129.png" width="400" height="258" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><em>The Moral</em>: In one&#8217;s language one conservative should be:</div>
+<div>Speech is silver, and it never should be free!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span><a name="madness" id="madness"></a>
+<em>How the Peaceful Aladdin<br />
+Gave Way to His Madness</em></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/i-130.png" width="500" height="522" alt="2098" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>His name was Aladdin.</div>
+<div>The clothes he was clad in</div>
+<div class="i1">Proclaimed him an Arab at sight,</div>
+<div>And he had for a chum</div>
+<div>An uncommonly rum</div>
+<div class="i1">Old afreet, six cubits in height.</div>
+<div>This person infernal,</div>
+<div>Who seemed so fraternal,</div>
+<div class="i1">At bottom was frankly a scamp:</div>
+<div>His future to sadden,</div>
+<div>He gave to Aladdin</div>
+<div class="i1">A wonderful magical lamp.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span>
+A marvel he dubbed it.</div>
+<div>He said if one rubbed it</div>
+<div class="i1">One&#8217;s wishes were done on the spot.</div>
+<div>Now what would you do</div>
+<div>Were it offered to you?</div>
+<div class="i1">Refuse it undoubtedly (not)!</div>
+<div>It&#8217;s thus comprehensive</div>
+<div>With pleasure extensive</div>
+<div class="i1">Aladdin accepted the gift,</div>
+<div>And, by it befriended,</div>
+<div>Erected a splendid</div>
+<div class="i1">Ch&#226;teau, with a bath and a lift!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span>
+Not dreaming of malice,</div>
+<div>One year in his palace</div>
+<div class="i1">He led a luxurious life,</div>
+<div>Till his genius dread</div>
+<div>Put it into his head</div>
+<div class="i1">That he needed a beautiful wife.</div>
+<div>Responding to friction,</div>
+<div>The lamp this affliction</div>
+<div class="i1">At once for Aladdin secured;</div>
+<div>The latter, delighted,</div>
+<div>Imagined he sighted</div>
+<div class="i1">A future of quiet assured.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div>When gladly he chose her,</div>
+<div>He didn&#8217;t suppose her</div>
+<div class="i1">A philatelist, always agape</div>
+<div>For novelties, yet</div>
+<div>She had all of the set</div>
+<div class="i1">Of triangular stamps of the Cape.</div>
+<div>Some people malicious</div>
+<div>Proclaimed her Mauritius</div>
+<div class="i1">One-penny vermilion a sell.</div>
+<div>But that was all rot. It</div>
+<div>Was true she had got it,</div>
+<div class="i1">And the tuppenny blue one as well!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span>
+Since thus she collected,</div>
+<div>As might be expected,</div>
+<div class="i1">She didn&#8217;t for <em>bric-&#224;-brac</em> care,</div>
+<div>So she traded the lamp</div>
+<div>For an Ecuador stamp</div>
+<div class="i1">That somebody told her was rare!</div>
+<div>This act served to madden</div>
+<div>The mind of Aladdin,</div>
+<div class="i1">But, &#8217;spite of his impotent wrath,</div>
+<div>His manor-house vanished,</div>
+<div>To nothingness banished,</div>
+<div>And while he was taking a bath!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/i-134.png" width="400" height="329" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span>
+The average Arab</div>
+<div>Is hard as a scarab</div>
+<div class="i1">When some one has wounded his pride,</div>
+<div>So he jumped up and down,</div>
+<div>With a cynical frown,</div>
+<div class="i1">On the <em>face</em> of his beautiful bride!</div>
+<div>He had picked up a cargo</div>
+<div>Of curious <em>argot</em></div>
+<div class="i1">While living in Paris the gay;</div>
+<div>In the slang of that city</div>
+<div>He cried without pity:</div>
+<div class="i1"><em>&#8220;Comme &#231;a tu me fich&#8217;ras la paix!&#8221;</em></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/i-135.png" width="500" height="361" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span>
+<em>The Moral:</em> When stamps you&#8217;re adept on</div>
+<div class="i1">Of risks you are reckless, and yet</div>
+<div>Beware! If your face is once stepped on,</div>
+<div class="i1">That&#8217;s the last stamp you&#8217;re likely to get!</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span><a name="jar" id="jar"></a><em>How a Fisherman Corked<br />up His Foe in a Jar</em></h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter b" style="width: 50px;">
+<img src="images/divider.png" width="50" height="67" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>A fisherman lived on the shore,</div>
+<div class="i1">(It&#8217;s a habit that fishers affect,)</div>
+<div>And his life was a hideous bore:</div>
+<div class="i1">He had nothing to do but collect</div>
+<div>Continual harvests of seaweed and shells,</div>
+<div class="i1">Which he stuck upon photograph frames,</div>
+<div>To sell to the guests in the summer hotels</div>
+<div class="i1">With the quite inappropriate names!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/i-137.png" width="500" height="335" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b">
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span>
+He would wander along by the edge</div>
+<div class="i1">Of the sea, and I know for a fact</div>
+<div>From the pools with a portable dredge</div>
+<div class="i1">He would curious creatures extract:</div>
+<div>And, during the season, he always took lots</div>
+<div class="i1">Of tourists out fishing for bass,</div>
+<div>And showed them politely impossible spots,</div>
+<div class="i1">In the culpable way of his class.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/i-138.png" width="300" height="235" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 t b">
+<div>It happened one day, as afar</div>
+<div class="i1">He roved on the glistening strand,</div>
+<div>That he chanced on a curious jar,</div>
+<div class="i1">Which lay on a hummock of sand.</div>
+<div>It was closed at the mouth with a cork and a seal,</div>
+<div class="i1">And over the top there was tied</div>
+<div>A cloth, and the fisherman couldn&#8217;t but feel</div>
+<div class="i1">That he ought to see what was inside.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-139.jpg" width="600" height="706" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="caption four2">
+<div>This shows us the fisher beginning to blow</div>
+<div>Of preserving himself while he pickled his foe.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span></div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span>
+But what were his fear and surprise</div>
+<div class="i1">When the stopper he held in his hand!</div>
+<div>For a genie of singular size</div>
+<div class="i1">Appeared in a trice on the sand,</div>
+<div>Who said in the roughest and rudest of tones:</div>
+<div class="i1">&#8220;A monster you&#8217;ve foolishly freed!</div>
+<div>I shall simply make way with you, body and bones,</div>
+<div>And that with phenomenal speed!&#8221;</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>The fisherman looked in his face,</div>
+<div class="i1">And answered him boldly: &#8220;My friend,</div>
+<div>How you ever were packed in that space</div>
+<div class="i1">Is something I don&#8217;t comprehend.</div>
+<div>Pray do me the favor to show me how you</div>
+<div class="i1">Can do it, as large as you are.&#8221;</div>
+<div>The genie retorted: &#8220;That&#8217;s just what I&#8217;ll do!&#8221;</div>
+<div>And promptly re&#235;ntered the jar.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div>The fisherman corked him up tight:</div>
+<div class="i1">The genie protested and raved,</div>
+<div>But for all he accomplished, he might</div>
+<div class="i1">As well all his shouting have saved.</div>
+<div>And, whenever a generous bonus is paid,</div>
+<div class="i1">The fisherman willingly tells</div>
+<div>The singular tale of this trick that he played,</div>
+<div>To the guests in the summer hotels.</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w2 b">
+<div><em>The Moral</em>: When fortune you strike,</div>
+<div class="i1">And you&#8217;ve slipped through a dangerous crack,</div>
+<div>Get as forward as ever you like,</div>
+<div class="i1">But never, oh, <em>never</em> get back!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<p class="link"><a href="#contents">Back to contents</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2 class="head"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span><a name="envoi" id="envoi"></a><em>Envoi</em></h2>
+
+<div class="verse flleft b">
+<div>Now don&#8217;t go and say you&#8217;d a dim</div>
+<div class="i1">Idea of these stories before,</div>
+<div>For I&#8217;ve frankly confessed them from Grimm,</div>
+<div class="i1">The monarch of magical lore:</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flright b">
+<div>And if, by repeating, I took</div>
+<div class="i1">Your time, I will candidly vow</div>
+<div><em>This</em> moral (the last in the book)</div>
+<div class="i1">Has never been published till now!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="verse flcenter w b">
+<div><em>The Moral</em>: The skeleton&#8217;s Grimm,</div>
+<div class="i1">But I have supplied the apparel,</div>
+<div>So it&#8217;s fifty per cent, of it Him,</div>
+<div class="i1">And it&#8217;s fifty per cent. of it Carryl.</div>
+<div>But still (from the personal severing,</div>
+<div class="i1">For it isn&#8217;t my nature to grump,)</div>
+<div>I acknowledge a measure of Levering</div>
+<div class="i1">Levering-ed the whole of the lump!</div>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span>
+<img src="images/i-143.jpg" width="600" height="498" alt="GRIM&#39;S GRIST MILL" title="" />
+</div>
+
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Grimm Tales Made Gay, by Guy Wetmore Carryl
+
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+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Grimm Tales Made Gay, by Guy Wetmore Carryl
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Grimm Tales Made Gay
+
+Author: Guy Wetmore Carryl
+
+Illustrator: Albert Levering
+
+Release Date: October 13, 2007 [EBook #23024]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GRIMM TALES MADE GAY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Edwards, Jacqueline Jeremy and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  GRIMM TALES MADE GAY
+  By GUY WETMORE CARRYL
+
+  With GAY PICTURES
+  By ALBERT LEVERING
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows the sword that Blue-Beard used full sore,
+                 After he'd led his young wife to a door._]
+
+
+
+
+  GRIMM TALES MADE GAY
+  By GUY WETMORE CARRYL
+
+  AUTHOR OF
+  THIS   AND MANY   OTHER   THINGS!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  PICTURES BY
+  ALBERT LEVERING
+
+  ARTIST OF
+  THAT   THE OTHER   AND THIS
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  BOSTON & NEW YORK
+  HOUGHTON, MIFFLIN & Co.
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY GUY
+  WETMORE CARRYL AND
+  ALBERT LEVERING
+  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
+
+  _Published in October, 1902_
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  TO CHARLES WALTON OGDEN
+
+
+
+
+  NOTE
+
+
+  _I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission of
+  the editors to reprint in this form such of these verses as were
+  originally published in Harper's Magazine, The Century, Life, The
+  Smart Set, The Saturday Evening Post, The Home Magazine, and the
+  London Tatler.
+             G. W. C._
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  The Contents
+
+  HOW THE BABES IN THE WOOD SHOWED THEY COULDN'T BE BEATEN
+
+    HOW FAIR CINDERELLA DISPOSED OF HER SHOE
+
+  HOW LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD CAME TO BE EATEN
+
+    HOW THE FATUOUS WISH OF A PEASANT CAME TRUE
+
+  HOW HOP O' MY THUMB GOT RID OF AN ONUS
+
+    HOW THE HELPMATE OF BLUE-BEARD MADE FREE WITH A DOOR
+
+  HOW RUMPLESTILZ HELD OUT IN VAIN FOR A BONUS
+
+    HOW JACK MADE THE GIANTS UNCOMMONLY SORE
+
+  HOW RUDENESS AND KINDNESS WERE JUSTLY REWARDED
+
+    HOW BEAUTY CONTRIVED TO GET SQUARE WITH THE BEAST
+
+  HOW A FAIR ONE NO HOPE TO HIS HIGHNESS ACCORDED
+
+    HOW THOMAS A MAID FROM A DRAGON RELEASED
+
+  HOW A BEAUTY WAS WAKED AND HER SUITOR WAS SUITED
+
+    HOW JACK FOUND THAT BEANS MAY GO BACK ON A CHAP
+
+  HOW A CAT WAS ANNOYED AND A POET WAS BOOTED
+
+    HOW MUCH FORTUNATUS COULD DO WITH A CAP
+
+  HOW A PRINCESS WAS WOOED FROM HABITUAL SADNESS
+
+    HOW A GIRL WAS TOO RECKLESS OF GRAMMAR BY FAR
+
+  HOW THE PEACEFUL ALADDIN GAVE WAY TO HIS MADNESS
+
+    HOW A FISHERMAN CORKED UP HIS FOE IN A JAR
+
+  ENVOI
+
+
+
+
+  _How the Babes in the Wood Showed They Couldn't be Beaten_
+
+
+  A man of kind and noble mind
+    Was H. Gustavus Hyde.
+  'Twould be amiss to add to this
+    At present, for he died,
+  In full possession of his senses,
+  The day before my tale commences.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  One half his gold his four-year-old
+    Son Paul was known to win,
+  And Beatrix, whose age was six,
+    For all the rest came in,
+  Perceiving which, their Uncle Ben did
+  A thing that people said was splendid.
+
+  For by the hand he took them, and
+    Remarked in accents smooth:
+  "One thing I ask. Be mine the task
+    These stricken babes to soothe!
+  My country home is really charming:
+  I'll teach them all the joys of farming."
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  One halcyon week they fished his creek,
+    And watched him do the chores,
+  In haylofts hid, and, shouting, slid
+    Down sloping cellar doors:--
+  Because this life to bliss was equal
+  The more distressing is the sequel.
+
+  Concealing guile beneath a smile,
+    He took them to a wood,
+  And, with severe and most austere
+    Injunctions to be good,
+  He left them seated on a gateway,
+  And took his own departure straightway.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Though much afraid, the children stayed
+    From ten till nearly eight;
+  At times they wept, at times they slept,
+    But never left the gate:
+  Until the swift suspicion crossed them
+  That Uncle Benjamin had lost them.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Then, quite unnerved, young Paul observed:
+    "It's like a dreadful dream,
+  And Uncle Ben has fallen ten
+    Per cent. in my esteem.
+  Not only did he first usurp us,
+  But now he's left us here on purpose!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  For countless years their childish fears
+    Have made the reader pale,
+  For countless years the public's tears
+    Have started at the tale,
+  For countless years much detestation
+  Has been expressed for their relation.
+
+  So draw a veil across the dale
+    Where stood that ghastly gate.
+  No need to tell. You know full well
+    What was their touching fate,
+  And how with leaves each little dead breast
+  Was covered by a Robin Redbreast!
+
+  But when they found them on the ground,
+    Although their life had ceased,
+  Quite near to Paul there lay a small
+    White paper, neatly creased.
+  "_Because of lack of any merit,
+  B. Hyde_," it ran, "_we disinherit_!"
+
+
+  _The Moral_: If you deeply long
+  To punish one who's done you wrong,
+  Though in your lifetime fail you may,
+  Where there's a will, there is a way!
+
+
+
+
+  _How Fair Cinderella Disposed of Her Shoe_
+
+
+  The vainest girls in forty states
+  Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates;
+  They warbled, slightly off the air,
+    Romantic German songs,
+  And each of them upon her hair
+    Employed the curling tongs,
+  And each with ardor most intense
+    Her buxom figure laced,
+  Until her wilful want of sense
+    Procured a woeful waist:
+  For bound to marry titled mates
+  Were Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Yet, truth to tell, the swains were few
+  Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).
+  So morning, afternoon, and night
+    Upon their sister they
+  Were wont to vent their selfish spite,
+    And in the rudest way:
+  For though her name was Leonore,
+    That's neither there nor here,
+  They called her Cinderella, for
+    The kitchen was her sphere,
+  Save when the hair she had to do
+  Of Gwendolyn (and Gladys, too).
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Each night to dances and to _fetes_
+  Went Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates,
+  And Cinderella watched them go
+    In silks and satins clad:
+  A prince invited them, and so
+    They put on all they had!
+  But one fine night, as all alone
+    She watched the flames leap higher,
+  A small and stooping fairy crone
+    Stept nimbly from the fire.
+  Said she: "The pride upon me grates
+  Of Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates."
+
+  "I'll now," she added, with a frown,
+  "Call Gwendolyn and Gladys down!"
+  And, ere your fingers you could snap,
+    There stood before the door
+  No paltry hired horse and trap,
+    Oh, no!--a coach and four!
+  And Cinderella, fitted out
+    Regardless of expense,
+  Made both her sisters look about
+    Like thirty-seven cents!
+  The prince, with one look at her gown,
+  Turned Gwendolyn and Gladys down!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Wall-flowers, when thus compared with her,
+  Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.
+  The prince but gave them glances hard,
+    No gracious word he said;
+  He scratched their names from off his card,
+    And wrote hers down instead:
+  And where he would bestow his hand
+    He showed them in a trice
+  By handing her the kisses, and
+    To each of them an ice!
+  In sudden need of fire and fur
+  Both Gwendolyn and Gladys were.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  At ten o'clock, in discontent,
+  Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.
+  Their sister stayed till after two,
+    And, with a joy sincere,
+  The prince obtained her crystal shoe
+    By way of souvenir.
+  "Upon the bridal path," he cried,
+    "We'll reign together! Since
+  I love you, you must be my bride!"
+    (He was no slouch, that prince!)
+  And into sudden languishment
+  Both Gwendolyn and Gladys went.
+
+
+  _The Moral_: All the girls on earth
+  Exaggerate their proper worth.
+  They think the very shoes they wear
+  Are worth the average millionaire;
+  Whereas few pairs in any town
+  Can be half-sold for half a crown!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  _How Little Red Riding Hood Came to be Eaten_
+
+
+  Most worthy of praise
+  Were the virtuous ways
+    Of Little Red Riding Hood's Ma,
+  And no one was ever
+  More cautious and clever
+    Than Little Red Riding Hood's Pa.
+  They never misled,
+  For they meant what they said,
+    And would frequently say what they meant,
+  And the way she should go
+  They were careful to show,
+    And the way that they showed her, she went.
+  For obedience she was effusively thanked,
+  And for anything else she was carefully spanked.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  It thus isn't strange
+  That Red Riding Hood's range
+    Of virtues so steadily grew,
+  That soon she won prizes
+  Of different sizes,
+    And golden encomiums, too!
+  As a general rule
+  She was head of her school,
+    And at six was so notably smart
+  That they gave her a cheque
+  For reciting "The Wreck
+    Of the Hesperus," wholly by heart!
+  And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure,
+  When I add that this money she gave to the poor.
+
+  At eleven this lass
+  Had a Sunday-school class,
+    At twelve wrote a volume of verse,
+  At thirteen was yearning
+  For glory, and learning
+    To be a professional nurse.
+  To a glorious height
+  The young paragon might
+    Have grown, if not nipped in the bud,
+  But the following year
+  Struck her smiling career
+    With a dull and a sickening thud!
+  (I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain,
+  And must copy my manuscript over again!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Not dreaming of harm,
+  One day on her arm
+    A basket she hung. It was filled
+  With jellies, and ices,
+  And gruel, and spices,
+    And chicken-legs, carefully grilled,
+  And a savory stew,
+  And a novel or two
+    She'd persuaded a neighbor to loan,
+  And a hot-water can,
+  And a Japanese fan,
+    And a bottle of _eau-de-cologne_,
+  And the rest of the things that your family fill
+  Your room with, whenever you chance to be ill!
+
+  She expected to find
+  Her decrepit but kind
+    Old Grandmother waiting her call,
+  But the visage that met her
+  Completely upset her:
+    It wasn't familiar at all!
+  With a whitening cheek
+  She started to speak,
+    But her peril she instantly saw:--
+  Her Grandma had fled,
+  And she'd tackled instead
+    Four merciless Paws and a Maw!
+  When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue,
+  He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood's, too!)
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows the bad wolf that came out of the wood,
+                 And proved by his actions to be robbin' Hood._]
+
+  At this terrible tale
+  Some readers will pale,
+    And others with horror grow dumb,
+  And yet it was better,
+  I fear, he should get her:
+    Just think what she might have become!
+  For an infant so keen
+  Might in future have been
+    A woman of awful renown,
+  Who carried on fights
+  For her feminine rights
+    As the Mare of an Arkansas town.
+  She might have continued the crime of her 'teens,
+  And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral_: There's nothing much glummer
+    Than children whose talents appall:
+  One much prefers those who are dumber,
+    But as for the paragons small,
+  If a swallow cannot make a summer
+    It can bring on a summary fall!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  _How the Fatuous Wish of a Peasant Came True_
+
+
+  An excellent peasant,
+  Of character pleasant,
+    Once lived in a hut with his wife.
+  He was cheerful and docile,
+  But such an old fossil
+    You wouldn't meet twice in your life.
+  His notions were all without reason or rhyme,
+  Such dullness in any one else were a crime,
+    But the folly pig-headed
+  To which he was wedded
+  Was so deep imbedded,
+        it touched the sublime!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He frequently stated
+  Such quite antiquated
+    And singular doctrines as these:
+  _"Do good unto others!
+  All men are your brothers!"_
+    (Of course he forgot the Chinese!)
+  He said that all men were made equal and free,
+  (That's true if they're born on _our_ side of the sea!)
+    That truth should be spoken,
+  And pledges unbroken:
+  (Now where, by that token,
+        would most of us be?)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  One day, as his pottage
+  He ate in his cottage,
+    A fairy stepped up to the door;
+  Upon it she hammered,
+  And meekly she stammered:
+    "A morsel of food I implore."
+  He gave her sardines, and a biscuit or two,
+  And she said in reply, when her luncheon was through,
+    "In return for these dishes
+  Of bread and of fishes
+  The first of your wishes
+        I'll make to come true!"
+
+  That nincompoop peasant
+  Accepted the present,
+    (As most of us probably would,)
+  And, thinking her bounty
+  To turn to account, he
+    Said: "_Now_ I'll do somebody good!
+  I won't ask a thing for myself or my wife,
+  But I'll make all my neighbors with happiness rife.
+    Whate'er their conditions,
+    Henceforward, physicians
+    And indispositions
+        they're rid of for life!"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  These words energetic
+  The fairy's prophetic
+    Announcement brought instantly true:
+  With singular quickness
+  Each victim of sickness
+    Was made over, better than new,
+  And people who formerly thought they were doomed
+  With almost obstreperous healthiness bloomed,
+    And each had some platitude,
+    Teeming with gratitude,
+    For the new attitude
+        life had assumed.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Our friend's satisfaction
+  Concerning his action
+    Was keen, but exceedingly brief.
+  The wrathful condition
+  Of every physician
+    In town was surpassing belief!
+  Professional nurses were plunged in despair,
+  And chemists shook passionate fists in the air:
+    They called at his dwelling,
+    With violence swelling,
+    His greeting repelling
+        with arrogant stare.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  They beat and they battered,
+  They slammed and they shattered,
+    And did him such serious harm,
+  That, after their labors,
+  His wife told the neighbors
+    They'd caused her excessive alarm!
+  They then set to work on his various ills,
+  And plied him with liniments, powders, and pills,
+    And charged him so dearly
+    That all of them nearly
+    Made double the yearly
+        amount of their bills.
+
+
+  _This Moral_ by the tale is taught:--
+  The wish is father to the thought.
+  (We'd oftentimes escape the worst
+  If but the thinking part came first!)
+
+
+
+
+  How Hop O' My Thumb Got Rid of an Onus
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  A worthy couple, man and wife,
+  Dragged on a discontented life:
+    The reason, I should state,
+  That it was destitute of joys,
+  Was that they had a dozen boys
+    To feed and educate,
+  And nothing such patience demands
+  As having twelve boys on your hands!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  For twenty years they tried their best
+  To keep those urchins neatly dressed
+    And teach them to be good,
+  But so much labor it involved
+  That, in the end, they both resolved
+    To lose them in a wood,
+  Though nothing a parent annoys
+  Like heartlessly losing his boys!
+
+  So when their sons had gone to bed,
+  Though bitter tears the couple shed,
+    They laid their little plan.
+  "_Faut b'en que ca s'fasse. Quand meme_,"
+  The woman said, "_J'en suis tout' bleme._"
+    "_Ca colle!_" observed the man,
+  "_Mais ca coute, que ces gosses fichus!
+  B'en, quoi! Faut qu'i's soient perdus!_"
+
+  (I've quite omitted to explain
+  That they were natives of Touraine;
+    I see I must translate.)
+  "Of course it must be done, and still,"
+  The wife remarked, "it makes me ill."
+    "You bet!" replied her mate:
+  "But we've both of us counted the cost,
+  And the kids simply _have_ to be lost!"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  But, while they plotted, every word
+  The youngest of the urchins heard,
+    And winked the other eye;
+  His height was only two feet three.
+  (I might remark, in passing, he
+    Was little, but O My!)
+  He added: "I'd better keep mum."
+  (He was foxy, was Hop O' My Thumb!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  They took the boys into the wood,
+  And lost them, as they said they should,
+    And came in silence back.
+  Alas for them! Hop O' My Thumb
+  At every step had dropped a crumb,
+    And so retraced the track.
+  While the parents sat mourning their fate
+  He led the boys in at the gate!
+
+  He placed his hand upon his heart,
+  And said: "You think you're awful smart,
+    But I have foiled you thus!"
+  His parents humbly bent the knee,
+  And meekly said: "H. O. M. T.,
+    You're one too much for us!"
+  And both of them solemnly swore
+  "We won't never do so no more!"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral_ is: While I do not
+  Endeavor to condone the plot,
+    I still maintain that one
+  Should have no chance of being foiled,
+  And having one's arrangements spoiled
+    By one's ingenious son.
+  If you turn down your children, with pain,
+  Take care they don't turn up again!
+
+
+
+
+  How the Helpmate of Blue-Beard Made Free with a Door
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  A maiden from the Bosphorus,
+  With eyes as bright as phosphorus,
+    Once wed the wealthy bailiff
+                    Of the caliph
+                          Of Kelat.
+  Though diligent and zealous, he
+  Became a slave to jealousy.
+    (Considering her beauty,
+                    'Twas his duty
+                          To be that!)
+
+  When business would necessitate
+  A journey, he would hesitate,
+    But, fearing to disgust her,
+                    He would trust her
+                          With his keys,
+  Remarking to her prayerfully:
+  "I beg you'll use them carefully.
+    Don't look what I deposit
+                    In that closet,
+                          If you please."
+
+  It may be mentioned, casually,
+  That blue as lapis lazuli
+    He dyed his hair, his lashes,
+                    His mustaches,
+                          And his beard.
+  And, just because he did it, he
+  Aroused his wife's timidity:
+    Her terror she dissembled,
+                    But she trembled
+                          When he neared.
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows how grim Blue-Beard, when bound on a bat,
+                 Instructed his wife on the key of a flat!_]
+
+  This feeling insalubrious
+  Soon made her most lugubrious,
+    And bitterly she missed her
+                    Elder sister
+                          Marie Anne:
+  She asked if she might write her to
+  Come down and spend a night or two,
+    Her husband answered rightly
+                    And politely:
+                          "Yes, you can!"
+
+                          Blue-Beard, the Monday following,
+                          His jealous feeling swallowing,
+                            Packed all his clothes together
+                                           In a leather-
+                                                 Bound valise,
+                          And, feigning reprehensibly,
+                          He started out, ostensibly
+                            By traveling to learn a
+                                           Bit of Smyrna
+                                                 And of Greece.
+
+  His wife made but a cursory
+  Inspection of the nursery;
+    The kitchen and the airy
+                    Little dairy
+                          Were a bore,
+  As well as big or scanty rooms,
+  And billiard, bath, and ante-rooms,
+    But not that interdicted
+                    And restricted
+                          Little door!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  For, all her curiosity
+  Awakened by the closet he
+    So carefully had hidden,
+                    And forbidden
+                          Her to see,
+  This damsel disobedient
+  Did something inexpedient,
+    And in the keyhole tiny
+                    Turned the shiny
+                          Little key:
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Then started back impulsively,
+  And shrieked aloud convulsively--
+    Three heads of girls he'd wedded
+                    And beheaded
+                          Met her eye!
+  And turning round, much terrified,
+  Her darkest fears were verified,
+    For Blue-Beard stood behind her,
+                    Come to find her
+                          On the sly!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Perceiving she was fated to
+  Be soon decapitated, too,
+    She telegraphed her brothers
+                    And some others
+                          What she feared.
+  And Sister Anne looked out for them,
+  In readiness to shout for them
+    Whenever in the distance
+                    With assistance
+                          They appeared.
+
+  But only from her battlement
+  She saw some dust that cattle meant.
+    The ordinary story
+                    Isn't gory,
+                          But a jest.
+  But here's the truth unqualified.
+  The husband _wasn't_ mollified
+    Her head is in his bloody
+                    Little study
+                          With the rest!
+
+
+  _The Moral_: Wives, we must allow,
+  Who to their husbands will not bow,
+  A stern and dreadful lesson learn
+  When, as you've read, they're cut in turn.
+
+
+
+
+  How Rumplestilz Held Out in Vain for a Bonus
+
+
+  In Germany there lived an earl
+    Who had a charming niece:
+  And never gave the timid girl
+    A single moment's peace!
+  Whatever low and menial task
+    His fancy flitted through,
+  He did not hesitate to ask
+    That shrinking child to do.
+  (I see with truly honest shame you
+  Are blushing, and I do not blame you.
+  A tale like this the feelings softens,
+  And brings the tears, as does "Two Orphans.")
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  She had to wash the windows, and
+    She had to scrub the floors,
+  She had to lend a willing hand
+    To fifty other chores:
+  She gave the dog his exercise,
+    She read the earl the news,
+  She ironed all his evening ties,
+    And polished all his shoes,
+  She cleaned the tins that filled the dairy,
+  She cut the claws of the canary,
+  And then, at night, with manner winsome,
+  When coal was wanted, carried in some!
+
+  But though these tasks were quite enough,
+    He thought them all too few,
+  And so her uncle, rude and rough,
+    Invented something new.
+  He took her to a little room,
+    Her willingness to tax,
+  And pointed out a broken loom
+    And half a ton of flax,
+  Observing: "Spin six pairs of trousers!"
+  His haughty manner seemed to rouse hers.
+  She met his scornful glances proudly--
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  But when the earl went down the stair
+    She yielded to her fears.
+  Gave way at last to grim despair,
+    And melted into tears:
+  When suddenly, from out the wall,
+    As if he felt at home,
+  There pounced a singularly small
+    And much distorted gnome.
+  He smiled a smile extremely vapid,
+  And set to work in fashion rapid;
+  No time for resting he deducted,
+  And soon the trousers were constructed.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  The girl observed: "How very nice
+    To help me out this way!"
+  The gnome replied: "A certain price
+    Of course you'll have to pay.
+  I'll call to-morrow afternoon,
+    My due reward to claim,
+  And then you'll sing another tune
+    Unless you guess my name!"
+  He indicated with a gesture
+  The pile of newly fashioned vesture:
+  His eyes on hers a moment centered,
+  And then he went, as he had entered.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  As by this tale you have been grieved
+    And heartily distressed,
+  Kind sir, you will be much relieved
+    To know his name she guessed:
+
+  But if I do not tell the same,
+    Pray count it not a crime:--
+  I've tried my best, and for that name
+    I can't find any rhyme!
+  Yet spare me from remarks injurious:
+  I will not leave you foiled and furious.
+  If something must proclaim the answer,
+  And I cannot, the title can, sir!
+
+
+  _The Moral_ is: All said and done,
+  There's nothing new beneath the sun,
+  And many times before, a title
+  Was incapacity's requital!
+
+
+
+
+  How Jack Made the Giants Uncommonly Sore
+
+
+  Of all the ill-fated
+  Boys ever created
+    Young Jack was the wretchedest lad:
+  An emphatic, erratic,
+  Dogmatic fanatic
+    Was foisted upon him as dad!
+  From the time he could walk,
+  And before he could talk,
+    His wearisome training began,
+  On a highly barbarian,
+  Disciplinarian,
+  Nearly Tartarean
+        Plan!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He taught him some Raleigh,
+  And some of Macaulay,
+    Till all of "Horatius" he knew,
+  And the drastic, sarcastic,
+  Fantastic, scholastic
+    Philippics of "Junius," too.
+  He made him learn lots
+  Of the poems of Watts,
+    And frequently said he ignored,
+  On principle, any son's
+  Title to benisons
+  Till he'd learned Tennyson's
+        "Maud."
+
+  "For these are the giants
+  Of thought and of science,"
+    He said in his positive way:
+  "So weigh them, obey them,
+  Display them, and lay them
+    To heart in your infancy's day!"
+  Jack made no reply,
+  But he said on the sly
+    An eloquent word, that had come
+  From a quite indefensible,
+  Most reprehensible,
+  But indispensable
+        Chum.
+
+  By the time he was twenty
+  Jack had such a plenty
+    Of books and paternal advice,
+  Though seedy and needy,
+  Indeed he was greedy
+    For vengeance, whatever the price!
+  In the editor's seat
+  Of a critical sheet
+    He found the revenge that he sought;
+  And, with sterling appliance of
+  Mind, wrote defiance of
+  All of the giants of
+        Thought.
+
+  He'd thunder and grumble
+  At high and at humble
+    Until he became, in a while,
+  Mordacious, pugnacious,
+  Rapacious. Good gracious!
+    They called him the Yankee Carlyle!
+  But he never took rest
+  On his quarrelsome quest
+    Of the giants, both mighty and small.
+  He slated, distorted them,
+  Hanged them and quartered them,
+  Till he had slaughtered them
+        All.
+
+
+  And this is _The Moral_ that lies in the verse:
+  If you have a go farther, you're apt to fare worse.
+  (When you turn it around it is different rather:--
+  You're not apt to go worse if you have a fair father!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  How Rudeness and Kindness Were Justly Rewarded
+
+
+  Once on a time, long years ago
+    (Just when I quite forget),
+  Two maidens lived beside the Po,
+    One blonde and one brunette.
+  The blonde one's character was mild,
+  From morning until night she smiled,
+  Whereas the one whose hair was brown
+  Did little else than pine and frown.
+    (_I_ think one ought to draw the line
+    At girls who always frown and pine!)
+
+  The blonde one learned to play the harp,
+    Like all accomplished dames,
+  And trained her voice to take _C_ sharp
+    As well as Emma Eames;
+  Made baskets out of scented grass,
+  And paper-weights of hammered brass,
+  And lots of other odds and ends
+  For gentleman and lady friends.
+    (_I_ think it takes a deal of sense
+    To manufacture gifts for gents!)
+
+  The dark one wore an air of gloom,
+    Proclaimed the world a bore,
+  And took her breakfast in her room
+    Three mornings out of four.
+  With crankiness she seemed imbued,
+  And everything she said was rude:
+  She sniffed, and sneered, and, what is more,
+  When very much provoked, she swore!
+    (_I_ think that I could never care
+    For any girl who'd learned to swear!)
+
+  One day the blonde was striding past
+    A forest, all alone,
+  When all at once her eyes she cast
+    Upon a wrinkled crone,
+  Who tottered near with shaking knees,
+  And said: "A penny, if you please!"
+  And you will learn with some surprise
+  This was a fairy in disguise!
+    (_I_ think it must be hard to know
+    A fairy who's incognito!)
+
+  The maiden filled her trembling palms
+    With coinage of the realm.
+  The fairy said: "Take back your alms!
+    My heart they overwhelm.
+  Henceforth at every word shall slip
+  A pearl or ruby from your lip!"
+  And, when the girl got home that night,--
+  She found the fairy's words were right!
+    (_I_ think there are not many girls
+    Whose words are worth their weight in pearls!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  It happened that the cross brunette,
+    Ten minutes later, came
+  Along the self-same road, and met
+    That bent and wrinkled dame,
+  Who asked her humbly for a sou.
+  The girl replied: "Get out with you!"
+  The fairy cried: "Each word you drop,
+  A toad from out your mouth shall hop!"
+    (_I_ think that nothing incommodes
+    One's speech like uninvited toads!)
+
+  And so it was, the cheerful blonde
+    Lived on in joy and bliss,
+  And grew pecunious, beyond
+    The dreams of avarice!
+  And to a nice young man was wed,
+  And I have often heard it said
+  No other man who ever walked
+  Most loved his wife when most she talked!
+    (_I_ think this very fact, forsooth,
+    Goes far to prove I tell the truth!)
+
+  The cross brunette the fairy's joke
+    By hook or crook survived,
+  But still at every word she spoke
+    An ugly toad arrived,
+  Until at last she had to come
+  To feigning she was wholly dumb,
+  Whereat the suitors swarmed around,
+  And soon a wealthy mate she found.
+    (_I_ think nobody ever knew
+    The happier husband of the two!)
+
+
+  _The Moral_ of the tale is: Bah!
+  _Nous avons change tout cela._
+  No clear idea I hope to strike
+  Of what _your_ nicest girl is like,
+  But she whose best young man _I_ am
+  Is not an oyster, nor a clam!
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows why each suitor, who rode up to spark,
+                 Would mark the toad maybe, but ne'er toed the mark._]
+
+
+
+
+  How Beauty Contrived to Get Square with the Beast
+
+
+  Miss Guinevere Platt
+  Was so beautiful that
+    She couldn't remember the day
+  When one of her swains
+  Hadn't taken the pains
+    To send her a mammoth bouquet.
+  And the postman had found,
+  On the whole of his round,
+    That no one received such a lot
+  Of bulky epistles
+  As, waiting his whistles,
+    The beautiful Guinevere got!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  A significant sign
+  That her charm was divine
+    Was seen in society, when
+  The chaperons sniffed
+  With their eyebrows alift:
+    "Whatever's got into the men?"
+  There was always a man
+  Who was holding her fan,
+    And twenty that danced in details,
+  And a couple of mourners,
+  Who brooded in corners,
+    And gnawed their mustaches and nails.
+
+  John Jeremy Platt
+  Wouldn't stay in the flat,
+    For his beautiful daughter he missed:
+  When he'd taken his tub,
+  He would hie to his club,
+    And dally with poker or whist.
+  At the end of a year
+  It was perfectly clear
+    That he'd never computed the cost,
+  For he hadn't a penny
+  To settle the many
+    Ten thousands of dollars he'd lost!
+
+  F. Ferdinand Fife
+  Was a student of life:
+    He was coarse, and excessively fat,
+  With a beard like a goat's,
+  But he held all the notes
+    Of ruined John Jeremy Platt!
+  With an adamant smile
+  That was brimming with guile,
+    He said: "I am took with the face
+  Of your beautiful daughter,
+  And wed me she ought ter,
+    To save you from utter disgrace!"
+
+  Miss Guinevere Platt
+  Didn't hesitate at
+    Her duty's imperative call.
+  When they looked at the bride
+  All the chaperons cried:
+    "She isn't so bad, after all!"
+  Of the desolate men
+  There were something like ten
+    Who took up political lives,
+  And the flower of the flock
+  Went and fell off a dock,
+    And the rest married hideous wives!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  But the beautiful wife
+  Of F. Ferdinand Fife
+    Was the wildest that ever was known:
+  She'd grumble and glare,
+  Till the man didn't dare
+    To say that his soul was his own.
+  She sneered at his ills,
+  And quadrupled his bills,
+    And spent nearly twice what he earned;
+  Her husband deserted,
+  And frivoled, and flirted,
+    Till Ferdinand's reason was turned.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He repented too late,
+  And his terrible fate
+    Upon him so heavily sat,
+  That he swore at the day
+  When he sat down to play
+    At cards with John Jeremy Platt.
+  He was dead in a year,
+  And the fair Guinevere
+    In society sparkled again,
+  While the chaperons fluttered
+  Their fans, as they muttered:
+    "She's getting exceedingly plain!"
+
+
+  _The Moral_: Predicaments often are found
+  That beautiful duty is apt to get round:
+  But greedy extortioners better beware
+  For dutiful beauty is apt to get square!
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows how at poker one loses his pelf
+                 When the other's a joker and knave in himself._]
+
+
+
+
+  How a Fair One no Hope to His Highness Accorded
+
+
+  She has slid down the channels
+  Of history's annals
+    Disguised as the child of a king,
+  But that is a glib
+  And iniquitous fib,
+    For she never was any such thing:
+  They called her the Fair One with Golden Locks,
+  And it's true she had lovers who swarmed in flocks,
+  But the rest is ironic;
+  Her business chronic
+  Was selling hair-tonic
+                    By bottle and box!
+
+  From the dawn till the gloaming
+  She used to sit combing
+    Her hair in a languorous way.
+  And her suitors would stop
+  To look into the shop,
+    And stand there the rest of the day.
+  She filled them with mute, but with deep despair,
+  For she never glanced up, with a smile, to where
+  They stood about, crushing
+  Each other, and blushing:
+  She simply kept brushing
+                    Her beautiful hair.
+
+  But a prince who was passing,
+  Engaged in amassing
+    Some facts on American life,
+  Was suddenly struck
+  By the fact that his luck
+    Might give him that girl for a wife!
+  His rashness he didn't attempt to excuse,
+  He entered the shop and he stated his views.
+  Remarking,
+                "My jewel,
+  I'm confident you will
+  Not wish to be cruel
+                    Enough to refuse.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  "Most winsome of creatures,"
+  He told her, "your features
+    Have led me to candidly say
+  That no other beside
+  Would I have for a bride:
+    We'll be married a week from to-day!
+  I belong to a long and a titled line,
+  And the least of your wishes I won't decline;
+  Next month I will usher
+  My wife into Russia:--
+  Sweet comber and brusher,
+                    Consider you're mine!"
+
+  She looked at him squarely,
+  Considered him fairly,
+    Her glance was as keen as a knife,
+  Then she turned up her nose,
+  And, with icy repose,
+    She answered: "Well, not on your life!
+  You're not on the paper the only blot!
+  Do you think I come twelve in a parcel--what?
+  _Me_ pose as your dearie?
+  Oh, go and chase Peary!
+  You're making me weary.
+                    Now git!"
+
+                    (He got!)
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows how, with never a shadow of doubt,
+                 When you go in for love you are apt to come out._]
+
+  The crowd that had waited
+  Outside was elated
+    So much by the prince's mischance,
+  That they greeted with jeers
+  And ironical cheers,
+    The end of his little romance.
+  They said: "Did it hurt when the ground you hit?"
+  They searched for some mark where the prince had lit,
+  And as he looked colder,
+  They only grew bolder,
+  And tapped on his shoulder
+                    With: "Tag! You're It!"
+
+  The lengthy discussion
+  That sensitive Russian
+    Compiled on the U. S. A.
+  Was read by the maid,
+  As she carelessly played
+    With her beautiful hair one day.
+  "The talk you hear in that primitive land,"
+  He wrote, "nobody can understand."
+  "Somebody who guffed him,"
+  She said, "has stuffed him,
+  And easily bluffed him
+                    To beat the band!"
+
+
+  _The Moral_: The people across the brine
+  Are exceedingly strong on Auld Lang Syne,
+  But they're lost in the push when they strike a gang
+  That is strong on American new line slang!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  How Thomas a Maid from a Dragon Released
+
+
+  Though Philip the Second
+  Of France was reckoned
+    No coward, his breath came short
+  When they told him a dragon
+  As big as a wagon
+    Was waiting below in the court!
+  A dragon so long, and so wide, and so fat,
+  That he couldn't get in at the door to chat:
+  The king couldn't leave him
+  Outside and grieve him,
+  He had to receive him
+                    Upon the mat,
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  The dragon bowed nicely,
+  And very concisely
+    He stated the reason he'd called:
+  He made the disclosure
+  With frigid composure.
+    King Philip was simply appalled!
+  He demanded for eating, a fortnight apart,
+  The monarch's ten daughters, all dear to his heart.
+  "And now you'll produce," he
+  Concluded, "the juicy
+  And succulent Lucie
+                    By way of start!"
+
+  King Philip was pliant,
+  And far from defiant
+    --"And servile," no doubt you retort!--
+  But if _you_ struck a snag on
+  A bottle-green dragon,
+    Who filled up two-thirds of your court,
+  And curled up his tail on your new tin roof,
+  And made your piazza groan under his hoof,
+  Would you threaten and thunder,
+  Or just knuckle under
+  Completely, I wonder,
+                    If put to proof?
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  By way of a truce, he
+  Brought out little Lucie
+    And watched her conducted away,
+  But all of the others
+  Were out with their brothers!
+    Thus gaining a little delay,
+  He promised through heralds sent west and east,
+  His crown, and his kingdom, and last, not least,
+  His daughter so sightly
+  To any one knightly
+  Who'd come and politely
+                    Wipe out that beast!
+
+  For love of the charmer,
+  Arrayed in his armor,
+    Each suitor for glory who yearned,
+  Would gallantly hasten,
+  The dragon to chasten,
+    But none of them ever returned!
+  When the dragon had eaten some sixteen score
+  He hung up this sign on his cavern door,
+  Whereat he lay pronely
+  In majesty lonely:
+
+  +------------------------------+
+  |_There's Standing Room Only   |
+  |      For Three Knights More!_|
+  +------------------------------+
+
+  A slim adolescent,
+  His beard only crescent,
+    Rode up at this stage of the game
+  To where the old sinner
+  Lay gorged with his dinner,
+    And breathing out torrents of flame.
+  He gathered a tip from the flaunting sign,
+  And took his position the fourth in line,
+  Until, as foreboded,
+  By food incommoded,
+  The dragon exploded
+                    At half-past nine.
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows how a servant may laugh at the Fates,
+                 Since everything comes to the fellow who waits._]
+
+  The king was delighted
+  At first when he sighted
+    The victor, but then in dismay
+  Regretted his promise.
+  The stripling was Thomas,
+    His Majesty's _valet-de-pied_!
+  He asked him at once: "Will you compromise?"
+  But Thomas looked straight in his master's eyes,
+  And answered severely:
+  "I see your game clearly,
+  And scorn it sincerely.
+                    Hand out the prize!"
+
+  Not long did he linger
+  Before on the finger
+    Of Lucie he fitted a ring:
+  A month or two later
+  They made him dictator,
+    In place of the elderly king:
+  He was lauded by pulpit, and boomed by press,
+  And no one had ever a chance to guess,
+  Beholding this hero
+  Who ruled like a Nero,
+  His valor was zero,
+                    Or something less.
+
+
+  _The Moral:_ And still from Nice to Calais
+  Discretion's the better part of--
+                    --_valets!_
+
+
+
+
+  _How a Beauty was Waked and Her Suitor was Suited_
+
+
+  Albeit wholly penniless,
+  Prince Charming wasn't any less
+    Conceited than a Croesus or a modern millionaire:
+  Though often in necessity,
+  No one would ever guess it. He
+    Was candidly insolvent, and he frankly didn't care!
+  Of the many debts he made
+  Not a one was ever paid,
+    But no one ever pressed him to refund the borrowed gold:
+  While he recklessly kept spending,
+  People gladly kept on lending,
+    For the fact they knew a title
+                    Was requital
+                      Twenty-fold!
+       (He lived in sixteen sixty-three,
+         This smooth unblushing article,
+       Since when, as far as I can see,
+         Men haven't changed a particle!)
+
+  In Charming's principality
+  There was a wild locality,
+    Composed of sombre forest, and of steep and frowning crags,
+  Of pheasant and of rabbit, too;
+  And here it was his habit to
+    Go hunting with his courtiers in the keen pursuit of stags.
+  But the charger that he rode
+  So mercurially strode
+    That the prince on one occasion left the others in the lurch,
+  And the falling darkness found him,
+  With no vassals left around him,
+    Near a building like an abbey,
+                    Or a shabby
+                      Ruined church.
+  His Highness said: "I'll ring the bell
+    And stay till morning in it!" (He
+  Took Hobson's choice, for no hotel
+    There was in the vicinity.)
+
+  His ringing was so vehement
+  That any one could see he meant
+    To suffer no refusal, but, in spite of all the din,
+  There was no answer audible,
+  And so, with courage laudable,
+    His Royal Highness turned the knob, and stoutly entered in.
+  Then he strode across the court,
+  But he suddenly stopped short
+    When he passed within the castle by a massive oaken door:
+  There were courtiers without number,
+  But they all were plunged in slumber,
+    The prince's ear delighting
+                    By uniting
+                      In a snore.
+  The prince remarked: "This must be Philadelphia,
+      Pennsylvania!"
+  (And so was born the jest that's still
+    The comic journal's mania!)
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows how the prince won the princess's heart,
+                 And the end of her sleeping was simply a start._]
+
+  With torpor reprehensible,
+  Numb, comatose, insensible,
+    The flunkeys and the chamberlains all slumbered like the dead,
+  And snored so loud and mournfully,
+  That Charming passed them scornfully
+    And came to where a princess lay asleep upon a bed.
+  She was so extremely fair
+  That His Highness didn't care
+    For the risk, and so he kissed her ere a single word he spoke:--
+  In a jiffy maids and pages,
+  Ushers, lackeys, squires, and sages,
+    As fresh as if they'd been at least
+                    A week awake,
+                      Awoke,
+  And hastened, bustled, dashed and ran
+    Up stairways and through galleries:
+  In brief, they one and all began
+    Again to earn their salaries!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Aroused from her paralysis,
+  As if in deep analysis
+    Of him who had awakened her, the princess met his eye:
+  Her glance at first was critical,
+  And sternly analytical.
+    And then she dropped her lashes and she gave a little sigh.
+  As he watched her, wholly dumb,
+  She observed: "You doubtless come
+    For one of two good reasons, and I'm going to ask you which.
+  Do you mean my house to harry,
+  Or do you propose to marry?"
+    He answered: "I may rue it,
+                    But I'll do it,
+                      If you're rich!"
+  The princess murmured with a smile:
+    "I've millions, at the least, to come!"
+  The prince cried: "Please excuse me, while
+    I go and get the priest to come!"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral_: When affairs go ill
+  The sleeping partner foots the bill.
+
+
+
+
+  _How Jack Found that Beans May go Back on a Chap_
+
+
+  Without the slightest basis
+  For hypochondriasis
+    A widow had forebodings which a cloud around her flung,
+  And with expression cynical
+  For half the day a clinical
+    Thermometer she held beneath her tongue.
+
+  Whene'er she read the papers
+  She suffered from the vapors,
+    At every tale of malady or accident she'd groan;
+  In every new and smart disease,
+  From housemaid's knee to heart disease,
+    She recognized the symptoms as her own!
+
+  She had a yearning chronic
+  To try each novel tonic,
+    Elixir, panacea, lotion, opiate, and balm;
+  And from a homoeopathist
+  Would change to an hydropathist,
+    And back again, with stupefying calm!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  The closets of her villa
+  Were full of sarsaparilla,
+    Ammonia, digitalis, bronchial troches, soda mint.
+  Restoratives hirsutical,
+  And soaps to clean the cuticle,
+    And iodine, and peptonoids, and lint.
+
+  She was nervous, cataleptic,
+  And anemic, and dyspeptic:
+    Though not convinced of apoplexy, yet she had her fears.
+  She dwelt with force fanatical
+  Upon a twinge rheumatical,
+    And said she had a buzzing in her ears!
+
+  Now all of this bemoaning
+  And this grumbling and this groaning
+    The mind of Jack, her son and heir, unconscionably bored.
+  His heart completely hardening,
+  He gave his time to gardening,
+    For raising beans was something he adored.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Each hour in accents morbid
+  This limp maternal bore bid
+    Her callous son affectionate and lachrymose good-bys.
+  She never granted Jack a day
+  Without some long "Alackaday!"
+    Accompanied by rolling of the eyes.
+
+  But Jack, no panic showing,
+  Just watched his beanstalk growing,
+    And twined with tender fingers the tendrils up the pole.
+  At all her words funereal
+  He smiled a smile ethereal,
+    Or sighed an absent-minded "Bless my soul!"
+
+  That hollow-hearted creature
+  Would never change a feature:
+    No tear bedimmed his eye, however touching was her talk.
+  She never fussed or flurried him,
+  The only thing that worried him
+    Was when no bean-pods grew upon the stalk!
+
+  But then he wabbled loosely
+  His head, and wept profusely,
+    And, taking out his handkerchief to mop away his tears,
+  Exclaimed: "It hasn't got any!"
+  He found this blow to botany
+    Was sadder than were all his mother's fears.
+
+
+  _The Moral_ is that gardeners pine
+  Whene'er no pods adorn the vine.
+  Of all sad words experience gleans
+  The saddest are: "It _might_ have beans."
+    (I did not make this up myself:
+    'Twas in a book upon my shelf.
+    It's witty, but I don't deny
+    It's rather Whittier than I!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+  _How a Cat Was Annoyed and a Poet Was Booted_
+
+
+  A poet had a cat.
+  There is nothing odd in that--
+    (I _might_ make a little pun about the _Mews_!)
+  But what is really more
+  Remarkable, she wore
+    A pair of pointed patent-leather shoes.
+      And I doubt me greatly whether
+        E'er you heard the like of that:
+      Pointed shoes of patent-leather
+                      On a cat!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  His time he used to pass
+  Writing sonnets, on the grass--
+    (I _might_ say something good on _pen_ and _sward_!)
+  While the cat sat near at hand,
+  Trying hard to understand
+    The poems he occasionally roared.
+      (I myself possess a feline,
+        But when poetry I roar
+      He is sure to make a bee-line
+                      For the door.)
+
+  The poet, cent by cent,
+  All his patrimony spent--
+    (I _might_ tell how he went from _werse_ to _werse_!)
+  Till the cat was sure she could,
+  By advising, do him good
+    So addressed him in a manner that was terse:
+      "We are bound toward the scuppers,
+        And the time has come to act,
+      Or we'll both be on our uppers
+                      For a fact!"
+
+  On her boot she fixed her eye,
+  But the boot made no reply--
+    (I _might_ say: "Couldn't speak to save _its sole_!")
+  And the foolish bard, instead
+  Of responding, only read
+    A verse that wasn't bad upon the whole:
+      And it pleased the cat so greatly,
+        Though she knew not what it meant,
+      That I'll quote approximately
+                      How it went:--
+
+  "If I should live to be
+  The last leaf upon the tree"--
+    (I _might_ put in: "I think I'd just as _leaf_!")
+  "Let them smile, as I do now,
+  At the old forsaken bough"--
+    Well, he'd plagiarized it bodily, in brief!
+      But that cat of simple breeding
+        Couldn't read the lines between,
+      So she took it to a leading
+                      Magazine.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  She was jarred and very sore
+  When they showed her to the door.
+    (I _might_ hit off the _door_ that was _a jar_!)
+  To the spot she swift returned
+  Where the poet sighed and yearned,
+    And she told him that he'd gone a little far.
+      "Your performance with this rhyme has
+        Made me absolutely sick,"
+      She remarked. "I think the time has
+                      Come to kick!"
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  I could fill up half the page
+  With descriptions of her rage--
+    (I _might_ say that she went a bit _too fur_!)
+  When he smiled and murmured: "Shoo!"
+  "There is one thing I can do!"
+    She answered with a wrathful kind of purr.
+      "You may shoo me, and it suit you,
+        But I feel my conscience bid
+      Me, as tit for tat, to boot you!"
+                      (Which she did.)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral_ of the plot
+  (Though I say it, as should not!)
+    Is: An editor is difficult to suit.
+  But again there're other times
+  When the man who fashions rhymes
+    Is a rascal, and a bully one to boot!
+
+
+
+
+  _How Much Fortunatus Could Do with a Cap_
+
+
+  Fortunatus, a fisherman Dane,
+  Set out on a sudden for Spain,
+    Because, runs the story,
+    He'd met with a hoary
+        Mysterious sorcerer chap,
+    Who, trouble to save him,
+    Most thoughtfully gave him
+        A magical traveling cap.
+  I barely believe that the story is true,
+  But here's what that cap was reported to do.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Suppose you were sitting at home,
+  And you wished to see Paris or Rome,
+    You'd pick up that bonnet,
+    You'd carefully don it,
+        The name of the city you'd call,
+    And the very next minute
+    By Jove, you were in it,
+        Without having started at all!
+  One moment you sauntered on upper Broadway,
+  And the next on the Corso or rue de la Paix!
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows Fortunatus, a restlessness feeling,
+                 Forsaking his fishing, and leaving his ceiling._]
+
+  Why, it beat every journey of Cook's,
+  Knocked spots out of Baedeker's books!
+    He stepped from his doorway
+    Direct into Norway,
+        He hopped in a trice to Ceylon,
+    He saw Madagascar,
+    Went round by Alaska,
+        And called on a girl in Luzon:
+  If they said she'd be down in a moment or two,
+  He took, while he waited, a peek at Peru!
+
+  He could wake up at eight in Siam,
+  Take his tub, if he wanted, in Guam.
+    Eat breakfast in Kansas,
+    And lunch in Matanzas,
+        Go out for a walk in Brazil,
+    Take tea in Madeira,
+    Dine on the Riviera,
+        And smoke his cigar in Seville,
+  Go out to the theatre in Vladivostok,
+  And retire in New York at eleven o'clock!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  Every tongue he could readily speak:
+  French, German, Italian, Greek,
+    Norwegian, Bulgarian,
+    Turkish, Bavarian,
+        Japanese, Hindustanee,
+    Russian and Mexican!
+    He was a lexicon,
+        Such as you seldom will see.
+  His knowledge linguistic gave Ollendorff fits,
+  And brought a hot flush to the face of Berlitz!
+
+  He would bow in an intimate way
+  To Menelik and to Loubet,
+    He was frequently beckoned,
+    By William the Second,
+        A word of advice to receive,
+    He talked with bravado
+    About the Mikado,
+        King Oscar, Oom Paul, the Khedive,
+  King Victor Emmanuel Second, the Shah,
+  King Edward the Seventh, Kwang Su, and the Czar!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  But what did he get from it all?
+  His wife used to wait in the hall!
+    When this wandering mortal
+    Set foot on the portal,
+        She always appeared on the scene,
+    And, far from ideally,
+    Remarked: "Well, I _really_
+        Would like to know where you have been!"
+  Now what is the good of a wandering life,
+  If you have to tell all that you do to your wife?
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  She'd indulge in a copious cry,
+  She'd remark she'd undoubtedly die,
+    Or, like many another,
+    Go back to her mother,
+        And what would the world think of _that_?
+    She only grew pleasant,
+    When offered a present
+        Of gloves or a gown or a hat:
+  And more than his talisman saved him in fare
+  Fortunatus expended in putting things square!
+
+
+  And _The Moral_ is easily said:
+  Like our hero, you're certain to find,
+  When such a cap goes on a head,
+  Retribution will follow behind!
+
+
+
+
+  _How a Princess Was Wooed from Habitual Sadness_
+
+
+  In days of old the King of Saxe
+    Had singular opinions,
+  For with a weighty battle-axe
+    He brutalized his minions,
+  And, when he'd nothing to employ
+    His mind, he chose a village,
+  And with an air of savage joy
+    Delivered it to pillage.
+
+  But what aroused within his breast
+    A rage well-nigh primeval
+  Was, most of all, his daughter, dressed
+    In fashion mediaeval:
+  The gowns that pleased this maiden's eye
+    Were simple as Utopia,
+  And for a hat she had a high
+    Inverted cornucopia.
+
+  In all her life she'd never smiled,
+    Her sadness was abysmal:
+  The boisterous monarch found his child
+    Unutterably dismal.
+  He therefore said the prince who made
+    Her laughter from its shell come,
+  Besides in ducats being paid,
+    Might wed the girl, and welcome!
+
+  I ought to say, ere I forget,
+    She was uncommon comely--
+  (Who ever read a Grimm tale yet,
+    In which the girl was homely?)
+  And so the King's announcement drew
+    Nine princes in a column.
+  But all in vain. The princess grew,
+  If anything, more solemn.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  One read her "Innocents Abroad,"
+    The next wore clothes eccentric,
+  The third one swallowed half his sword,
+    As in the circus-tent trick.
+  Thus eight of them into her cool
+    Reserve but deeper shoved her:
+  There was but one authentic fool--
+    The prince who really loved her!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He'd alternate between the height
+    Of hope and deep abasement,
+  He caught distressing colds at night,
+    By watching 'neath her casement:
+  He did what I have done, I know,
+    And you, I do not doubt it,--
+  Instead of bottling up his woe,
+    He bored his friends about it!
+
+  In brooding on the ways of Fate
+    Long hours he daily wasted,
+  His food remained upon his plate,
+    'Twas scarcely touched or tasted:
+  He said the bitter things of love,
+    All lovers, save a few, say,
+  And learned by heart the verses of
+    Swinburne, and A. de Musset!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  This attitude his wished-for bride
+    To silent laughter goaded,
+  Until he talked of suicide,
+    And then the girl exploded!
+  "You make me laugh, and so," she said,
+    "I'll marry you next season."
+  (Not half the people who are wed
+    Have half so good a reason!)
+
+
+  _The Moral_: The deliberate clown
+  Can never beat love's barriers down:
+  'Tis better to be like the owl,
+  Comic because so grave a fowl.
+  From him we well may take our cue--
+  By him be taught, to wit, to woo!
+
+
+
+
+  _How a Girl was too Reckless of Grammar by Far_
+
+
+  Matilda Maud Mackenzie frankly hadn't any chin,
+  Her hands were rough, her feet she turned invariably in;
+      Her general form was German,
+        By which I mean that you
+      Her waist could not determine
+        To within a foot or two:
+  And not only did she stammer,
+  But she used the kind of grammar
+      That is called, for sake of euphony, askew.
+
+  From what I say about her, don't imagine I desire
+  A prejudice against this worthy creature to inspire.
+      She was willing, she was active,
+        She was sober, she was kind,
+      But she _never_ looked attractive
+        And she _hadn't_ any mind!
+  I knew her more than slightly,
+  And I treated her politely
+      When I met her, but of course I wasn't blind!
+
+  Matilda Maud Mackenzie had a habit that was droll,
+  She spent her morning seated on a rock or on a knoll,
+      And threw with much composure
+        A smallish rubber ball
+      At an inoffensive osier
+        By a little waterfall;
+  But Matilda's way of throwing
+  Was like other people's mowing,
+      And she never hit the willow-tree at all!
+
+  [Illustration: _This serves in the easiest way to explain
+                 What is meant by taking an aim in vain._]
+
+  One day as Miss Mackenzie with uncommon ardor tried
+  To hit the mark, the missile flew exceptionally wide,
+      And, before her eyes astounded,
+        On a fallen maple's trunk
+      Ricochetted, and rebounded
+        In the rivulet, and sunk!
+  Matilda, greatly frightened,
+  In her grammar unenlightened,
+      Remarked: "Well now I ast yer! Who'd 'er thunk?"
+
+  But what a marvel followed! From the pool at once there rose
+  A frog, the sphere of rubber balanced deftly on his nose.
+      He beheld her fright and frenzy,
+        And, her panic to dispel,
+      On his knee by Miss Mackenzie
+        He obsequiously fell.
+  With quite as much decorum
+  As a speaker in a forum
+      He started in his history to tell.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  "Fair maid," he said, "I beg you, do not hesitate or wince,
+  If you'll promise that you'll wed me, I'll at once become a prince;
+      For a fairy old and vicious
+        An enchantment round me spun!"
+      Then he looked up, unsuspicious,
+        And he saw what he had won,
+  And in terms of sad reproach he
+  Made some comments, _sotto voce_,*
+
+  * (Which the publishers have bidden me to shun!)
+
+  Matilda Maud Mackenzie said, as if she meant to scold:
+  "I _never_! Why, you forward thing! Now ain't you awful bold!"
+      Just a glance he paused to give her,
+        And his head was seen to clutch,
+      Then he darted to the river,
+        And he dived to beat the Dutch!
+  While the wrathful maiden panted:
+  "I don't think he was enchanted!"
+      (And he really didn't look it overmuch!)
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral_: In one's language one conservative should be:
+  Speech is silver, and it never should be free!
+
+
+
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  _How the Peaceful Aladdin Gave Way to His Madness_
+
+
+  His name was Aladdin.
+  The clothes he was clad in
+    Proclaimed him an Arab at sight,
+  And he had for a chum
+  An uncommonly rum
+    Old afreet, six cubits in height.
+  This person infernal,
+  Who seemed so fraternal,
+    At bottom was frankly a scamp:
+  His future to sadden,
+  He gave to Aladdin
+    A wonderful magical lamp.
+
+  A marvel he dubbed it.
+  He said if one rubbed it
+    One's wishes were done on the spot.
+  Now what would you do
+  Were it offered to you?
+    Refuse it undoubtedly (not)!
+  It's thus comprehensive
+  With pleasure extensive
+    Aladdin accepted the gift,
+  And, by it befriended,
+  Erected a splendid
+    Chateau, with a bath and a lift!
+
+  Not dreaming of malice,
+  One year in his palace
+    He led a luxurious life,
+  Till his genius dread
+  Put it into his head
+    That he needed a beautiful wife.
+  Responding to friction,
+  The lamp this affliction
+    At once for Aladdin secured;
+  The latter, delighted,
+  Imagined he sighted
+    A future of quiet assured.
+
+  When gladly he chose her,
+  He didn't suppose her
+    A philatelist, always agape
+  For novelties, yet
+  She had all of the set
+    Of triangular stamps of the Cape.
+  Some people malicious
+  Proclaimed her Mauritius
+    One-penny vermilion a sell.
+  But that was all rot. It
+  Was true she had got it,
+    And the tuppenny blue one as well!
+
+  Since thus she collected,
+  As might be expected,
+    She didn't for _bric-a-brac_ care,
+  So she traded the lamp
+  For an Ecuador stamp
+    That somebody told her was rare!
+  This act served to madden
+  The mind of Aladdin,
+    But, 'spite of his impotent wrath,
+  His manor-house vanished,
+  To nothingness banished,
+  And while he was taking a bath!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  The average Arab
+  Is hard as a scarab
+    When some one has wounded his pride,
+  So he jumped up and down,
+  With a cynical frown,
+    On the _face_ of his beautiful bride!
+  He had picked up a cargo
+  Of curious _argot_
+    While living in Paris the gay;
+  In the slang of that city
+  He cried without pity:
+    _"Comme ca tu me fich'ras la paix!"_
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+  _The Moral:_ When stamps you're adept on
+    Of risks you are reckless, and yet
+  Beware! If your face is once stepped on,
+    That's the last stamp you're likely to get!
+
+
+
+
+  _How a Fisherman Corked up His Foe in a Jar_
+
+
+  A fisherman lived on the shore,
+    (It's a habit that fishers affect,)
+  And his life was a hideous bore:
+    He had nothing to do but collect
+  Continual harvests of seaweed and shells,
+    Which he stuck upon photograph frames,
+  To sell to the guests in the summer hotels
+    With the quite inappropriate names!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  He would wander along by the edge
+    Of the sea, and I know for a fact
+  From the pools with a portable dredge
+    He would curious creatures extract:
+  And, during the season, he always took lots
+    Of tourists out fishing for bass,
+  And showed them politely impossible spots,
+    In the culpable way of his class.
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+  It happened one day, as afar
+    He roved on the glistening strand,
+  That he chanced on a curious jar,
+    Which lay on a hummock of sand.
+  It was closed at the mouth with a cork and a seal,
+    And over the top there was tied
+  A cloth, and the fisherman couldn't but feel
+    That he ought to see what was inside.
+
+  [Illustration: _This shows us the fisher beginning to blow
+                 Of preserving himself while he pickled his foe._]
+
+  But what were his fear and surprise
+    When the stopper he held in his hand!
+  For a genie of singular size
+    Appeared in a trice on the sand,
+  Who said in the roughest and rudest of tones:
+    "A monster you've foolishly freed!
+  I shall simply make way with you, body and bones,
+  And that with phenomenal speed!"
+
+  The fisherman looked in his face,
+    And answered him boldly: "My friend,
+  How you ever were packed in that space
+    Is something I don't comprehend.
+  Pray do me the favor to show me how you
+    Can do it, as large as you are."
+  The genie retorted: "That's just what I'll do!"
+  And promptly reentered the jar.
+
+  The fisherman corked him up tight:
+    The genie protested and raved,
+  But for all he accomplished, he might
+    As well all his shouting have saved.
+  And, whenever a generous bonus is paid,
+    The fisherman willingly tells
+  The singular tale of this trick that he played,
+  To the guests in the summer hotels.
+
+
+  _The Moral_: When fortune you strike,
+    And you've slipped through a dangerous crack,
+  Get as forward as ever you like,
+    But never, oh, _never_ get back!
+
+
+
+
+  _Envoi_
+
+  Now don't go and say you'd a dim
+    Idea of these stories before,
+  For I've frankly confessed them from Grimm,
+    The monarch of magical lore:
+
+  And if, by repeating, I took
+    Your time, I will candidly vow
+  _This_ moral (the last in the book)
+    Has never been published till now!
+
+
+  _The Moral_: The skeleton's Grimm,
+    But I have supplied the apparel,
+  So it's fifty per cent, of it Him,
+    And it's fifty per cent. of it Carryl.
+  But still (from the personal severing,
+    For it isn't my nature to grump,)
+  I acknowledge a measure of Levering
+    Levering-ed the whole of the lump!
+
+  [Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Grimm Tales Made Gay, by Guy Wetmore Carryl
+
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