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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Poor Folk, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Poor Folk
+
+Author: Fyodor Dostoyevsky
+
+Translator: C. J. Hogarth
+
+Release Date: August, 2000 [EBook #2302]
+Last Updated: July 20, 2012
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POOR FOLK ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Martin Adamson
+
+
+
+
+
+POOR FOLK
+
+By Fyodor Dostoyevsky
+
+Translated by C. J. Hogarth
+
+
+
+
+April 8th
+
+MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--How happy I was last night--how
+immeasurably, how impossibly happy! That was because for once in your
+life you had relented so far as to obey my wishes. At about eight
+o'clock I awoke from sleep (you know, my beloved one, that I always like
+to sleep for a short hour after my work is done)--I awoke, I say, and,
+lighting a candle, prepared my paper to write, and trimmed my pen. Then
+suddenly, for some reason or another, I raised my eyes--and felt my
+very heart leap within me! For you had understood what I wanted, you had
+understood what my heart was craving for. Yes, I perceived that a corner
+of the curtain in your window had been looped up and fastened to the
+cornice as I had suggested should be done; and it seemed to me that your
+dear face was glimmering at the window, and that you were looking at me
+from out of the darkness of your room, and that you were thinking of
+me. Yet how vexed I felt that I could not distinguish your sweet face
+clearly! For there was a time when you and I could see one another
+without any difficulty at all. Ah me, but old age is not always a
+blessing, my beloved one! At this very moment everything is standing
+awry to my eyes, for a man needs only to work late overnight in his
+writing of something or other for, in the morning, his eyes to be red,
+and the tears to be gushing from them in a way that makes him ashamed to
+be seen before strangers. However, I was able to picture to myself your
+beaming smile, my angel--your kind, bright smile; and in my heart there
+lurked just such a feeling as on the occasion when I first kissed you,
+my little Barbara. Do you remember that, my darling? Yet somehow you
+seemed to be threatening me with your tiny finger. Was it so, little
+wanton? You must write and tell me about it in your next letter.
+
+But what think you of the plan of the curtain, Barbara? It is a charming
+one, is it not? No matter whether I be at work, or about to retire to
+rest, or just awaking from sleep, it enables me to know that you are
+thinking of me, and remembering me--that you are both well and happy.
+Then when you lower the curtain, it means that it is time that I, Makar
+Alexievitch, should go to bed; and when again you raise the curtain, it
+means that you are saying to me, "Good morning," and asking me how I am,
+and whether I have slept well. "As for myself," adds the curtain, "I am
+altogether in good health and spirits, glory be to God!" Yes, my heart's
+delight, you see how easy a plan it was to devise, and how much writing
+it will save us! It is a clever plan, is it not? And it was my own
+invention, too! Am I not cunning in such matters, Barbara Alexievna?
+
+Well, next let me tell you, dearest, that last night I slept better
+and more soundly than I had ever hoped to do, and that I am the more
+delighted at the fact in that, as you know, I had just settled into a
+new lodging--a circumstance only too apt to keep one from sleeping! This
+morning, too, I arose (joyous and full of love) at cockcrow. How good
+seemed everything at that hour, my darling! When I opened my window I
+could see the sun shining, and hear the birds singing, and smell the air
+laden with scents of spring. In short, all nature was awaking to life
+again. Everything was in consonance with my mood; everything seemed fair
+and spring-like. Moreover, I had a fancy that I should fare well today.
+But my whole thoughts were bent upon you. "Surely," thought I, "we
+mortals who dwell in pain and sorrow might with reason envy the birds
+of heaven which know not either!" And my other thoughts were similar
+to these. In short, I gave myself up to fantastic comparisons. A little
+book which I have says the same kind of thing in a variety of ways. For
+instance, it says that one may have many, many fancies, my Barbara--that
+as soon as the spring comes on, one's thoughts become uniformly pleasant
+and sportive and witty, for the reason that, at that season, the mind
+inclines readily to tenderness, and the world takes on a more roseate
+hue. From that little book of mine I have culled the following passage,
+and written it down for you to see. In particular does the author
+express a longing similar to my own, where he writes:
+
+"Why am I not a bird free to seek its quest?"
+
+And he has written much else, God bless him!
+
+But tell me, my love--where did you go for your walk this morning? Even
+before I had started for the office you had taken flight from your room,
+and passed through the courtyard--yes, looking as vernal-like as a
+bird in spring. What rapture it gave me to see you! Ah, little Barbara,
+little Barbara, you must never give way to grief, for tears are of no
+avail, nor sorrow. I know this well--I know it of my own experience. So
+do you rest quietly until you have regained your health a little. But
+how is our good Thedora? What a kind heart she has! You write that she
+is now living with you, and that you are satisfied with what she does.
+True, you say that she is inclined to grumble, but do not mind that,
+Barbara. God bless her, for she is an excellent soul!
+
+But what sort of an abode have I lighted upon, Barbara Alexievna? What
+sort of a tenement, do you think, is this? Formerly, as you know, I used
+to live in absolute stillness--so much so that if a fly took wing
+it could plainly be heard buzzing. Here, however, all is turmoil and
+shouting and clatter. The PLAN of the tenement you know already. Imagine
+a long corridor, quite dark, and by no means clean. To the right a dead
+wall, and to the left a row of doors stretching as far as the line of
+rooms extends. These rooms are tenanted by different people--by one,
+by two, or by three lodgers as the case may be, but in this arrangement
+there is no sort of system, and the place is a perfect Noah's Ark. Most
+of the lodgers are respectable, educated, and even bookish people. In
+particular they include a tchinovnik (one of the literary staff in some
+government department), who is so well-read that he can expound Homer or
+any other author--in fact, ANYTHING, such a man of talent is he! Also,
+there are a couple of officers (for ever playing cards), a midshipman,
+and an English tutor. But, to amuse you, dearest, let me describe these
+people more categorically in my next letter, and tell you in detail
+about their lives. As for our landlady, she is a dirty little old woman
+who always walks about in a dressing-gown and slippers, and never ceases
+to shout at Theresa. I myself live in the kitchen--or, rather, in a
+small room which forms part of the kitchen. The latter is a very large,
+bright, clean, cheerful apartment with three windows in it, and a
+partition-wall which, running outwards from the front wall, makes a sort
+of little den, a sort of extra room, for myself. Everything in this den
+is comfortable and convenient, and I have, as I say, a window to myself.
+So much for a description of my dwelling-place. Do not think, dearest,
+that in all this there is any hidden intention. The fact that I live in
+the kitchen merely means that I live behind the partition wall in that
+apartment--that I live quite alone, and spend my time in a quiet fashion
+compounded of trifles. For furniture I have provided myself with a
+bed, a table, a chest of drawers, and two small chairs. Also, I have
+suspended an ikon. True, better rooms MAY exist in the world than
+this--much better rooms; yet COMFORT is the chief thing. In fact, I
+have made all my arrangements for comfort's sake alone; so do not for a
+moment imagine that I had any other end in view. And since your window
+happens to be just opposite to mine, and since the courtyard between us
+is narrow and I can see you as you pass,--why, the result is that this
+miserable wretch will be able to live at once more happily and with less
+outlay. The dearest room in this house costs, with board, thirty-five
+roubles--more than my purse could well afford; whereas MY room costs
+only twenty-four, though formerly I used to pay thirty, and so had to
+deny myself many things (I could drink tea but seldom, and never could
+indulge in tea and sugar as I do now). But, somehow, I do not like
+having to go without tea, for everyone else here is respectable, and the
+fact makes me ashamed. After all, one drinks tea largely to please one's
+fellow men, Barbara, and to give oneself tone and an air of gentility
+(though, of myself, I care little about such things, for I am not a
+man of the finicking sort). Yet think you that, when all things
+needful--boots and the rest--have been paid for, much will remain? Yet I
+ought not to grumble at my salary,--I am quite satisfied with it; it is
+sufficient. It has sufficed me now for some years, and, in addition, I
+receive certain gratuities.
+
+Well good-bye, my darling. I have bought you two little pots of
+geraniums--quite cheap little pots, too--as a present. Perhaps you would
+also like some mignonette? Mignonette it shall be if only you will write
+to inform me of everything in detail. Also, do not misunderstand the
+fact that I have taken this room, my dearest. Convenience and nothing
+else, has made me do so. The snugness of the place has caught my fancy.
+Also, I shall be able to save money here, and to hoard it against the
+future. Already I have saved a little money as a beginning. Nor must
+you despise me because I am such an insignificant old fellow that a fly
+could break me with its wing. True, I am not a swashbuckler; but perhaps
+there may also abide in me the spirit which should pertain to every man
+who is at once resigned and sure of himself. Good-bye, then, again, my
+angel. I have now covered close upon a whole two sheets of notepaper,
+though I ought long ago to have been starting for the office. I kiss
+your hands, and remain ever your devoted slave, your faithful friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+P.S.--One thing I beg of you above all things--and that is, that you
+will answer this letter as FULLY as possible. With the letter I send you
+a packet of bonbons. Eat them for your health's sake, nor, for the love
+of God, feel any uneasiness about me. Once more, dearest one, good-bye.
+
+
+
+
+April 8th
+
+MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Do you know, must quarrel with you. Yes,
+good Makar Alexievitch, I really cannot accept your presents, for I know
+what they must have cost you--I know to what privations and self-denial
+they must have led. How many times have I not told you that I stand in
+need of NOTHING, of absolutely NOTHING, as well as that I shall never be
+in a position to recompense you for all the kindly acts with which you
+have loaded me? Why, for instance, have you sent me geraniums? A little
+sprig of balsam would not have mattered so much--but geraniums! Only
+have I to let fall an unguarded word--for example, about geraniums--and
+at once you buy me some! How much they must have cost you! Yet what a
+charm there is in them, with their flaming petals! Wherever did you
+get these beautiful plants? I have set them in my window as the most
+conspicuous place possible, while on the floor I have placed a bench
+for my other flowers to stand on (since you are good enough to enrich me
+with such presents). Unfortunately, Thedora, who, with her sweeping and
+polishing, makes a perfect sanctuary of my room, is not over-pleased
+at the arrangement. But why have you sent me also bonbons? Your letter
+tells me that something special is afoot with you, for I find in it so
+much about paradise and spring and sweet odours and the songs of birds.
+Surely, thought I to myself when I received it, this is as good as
+poetry! Indeed, verses are the only thing that your letter lacks,
+Makar Alexievitch. And what tender feelings I can read in it--what
+roseate-coloured fancies! To the curtain, however, I had never given a
+thought. The fact is that when I moved the flower-pots, it LOOPED ITSELF
+up. There now!
+
+Ah, Makar Alexievitch, you neither speak of nor give any account of what
+you have spent upon me. You hope thereby to deceive me, to make it
+seem as though the cost always falls upon you alone, and that there
+is nothing to conceal. Yet I KNOW that for my sake you deny yourself
+necessaries. For instance, what has made you go and take the room which
+you have done, where you will be worried and disturbed, and where you
+have neither elbow-space nor comfort--you who love solitude, and never
+like to have any one near you? To judge from your salary, I should think
+that you might well live in greater ease than that. Also, Thedora tells
+me that your circumstances used to be much more affluent than they are
+at present. Do you wish, then, to persuade me that your whole existence
+has been passed in loneliness and want and gloom, with never a cheering
+word to help you, nor a seat in a friend's chimney-corner? Ah, kind
+comrade, how my heart aches for you! But do not overtask your health,
+Makar Alexievitch. For instance, you say that your eyes are over-weak
+for you to go on writing in your office by candle-light. Then why do so?
+I am sure that your official superiors do not need to be convinced of
+your diligence!
+
+Once more I implore you not to waste so much money upon me. I know
+how much you love me, but I also know that you are not rich.... This
+morning I too rose in good spirits. Thedora had long been at work; and
+it was time that I too should bestir myself. Indeed I was yearning to
+do so, so I went out for some silk, and then sat down to my labours. All
+the morning I felt light-hearted and cheerful. Yet now my thoughts are
+once more dark and sad--once more my heart is ready to sink.
+
+Ah, what is going to become of me? What will be my fate? To have to be
+so uncertain as to the future, to have to be unable to foretell what is
+going to happen, distresses me deeply. Even to look back at the past
+is horrible, for it contains sorrow that breaks my very heart at the
+thought of it. Yes, a whole century in tears could I spend because of
+the wicked people who have wrecked my life!
+
+But dusk is coming on, and I must set to work again. Much else should I
+have liked to write to you, but time is lacking, and I must hasten. Of
+course, to write this letter is a pleasure enough, and could never be
+wearisome; but why do you not come to see me in person? Why do you not,
+Makar Alexievitch? You live so close to me, and at least SOME of your
+time is your own. I pray you, come. I have just seen Theresa. She was
+looking so ill, and I felt so sorry for her, that I gave her twenty
+kopecks. I am almost falling asleep. Write to me in fullest detail, both
+concerning your mode of life, and concerning the people who live with
+you, and concerning how you fare with them. I should so like to know!
+Yes, you must write again. Tonight I have purposely looped the curtain
+up. Go to bed early, for, last night, I saw your candle burning until
+nearly midnight. Goodbye! I am now feeling sad and weary. Ah that
+I should have to spend such days as this one has been. Again
+good-bye.--Your friend,
+
+BARBARA DOBROSELOVA.
+
+
+
+
+April 8th
+
+MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--To think that a day like this should have
+fallen to my miserable lot! Surely you are making fun of an old man?...
+However, it was my own fault--my own fault entirely. One ought not to
+grow old holding a lock of Cupid's hair in one's hand. Naturally one is
+misunderstood.... Yet man is sometimes a very strange being. By all the
+Saints, he will talk of doing things, yet leave them undone, and remain
+looking the kind of fool from whom may the Lord preserve us!... Nay, I
+am not angry, my beloved; I am only vexed to think that I should have
+written to you in such stupid, flowery phraseology. Today I went hopping
+and skipping to the office, for my heart was under your influence, and
+my soul was keeping holiday, as it were. Yes, everything seemed to
+be going well with me. Then I betook myself to my work. But with what
+result? I gazed around at the old familiar objects, at the old familiar
+grey and gloomy objects. They looked just the same as before. Yet
+WERE those the same inkstains, the same tables and chairs, that I had
+hitherto known? Yes, they WERE the same, exactly the same; so why should
+I have gone off riding on Pegasus' back? Whence had that mood arisen?
+It had arisen from the fact that a certain sun had beamed upon me, and
+turned the sky to blue. But why so? Why is it, sometimes, that sweet
+odours seem to be blowing through a courtyard where nothing of the sort
+can be? They must be born of my foolish fancy, for a man may stray so
+far into sentiment as to forget his immediate surroundings, and to give
+way to the superfluity of fond ardour with which his heart is charged.
+On the other hand, as I walked home from the office at nightfall my feet
+seemed to lag, and my head to be aching. Also, a cold wind seemed to be
+blowing down my back (enraptured with the spring, I had gone out clad
+only in a thin overcoat). Yet you have misunderstood my sentiments,
+dearest. They are altogether different to what you suppose. It is a
+purely paternal feeling that I have for you. I stand towards you in
+the position of a relative who is bound to watch over your lonely
+orphanhood. This I say in all sincerity, and with a single purpose,
+as any kinsman might do. For, after all, I AM a distant kinsman of
+yours--the seventh drop of water in the pudding, as the proverb has
+it--yet still a kinsman, and at the present time your nearest relative
+and protector, seeing that where you had the right to look for help and
+protection, you found only treachery and insult. As for poetry, I may
+say that I consider it unbecoming for a man of my years to devote his
+faculties to the making of verses. Poetry is rubbish. Even boys at
+school ought to be whipped for writing it.
+
+Why do you write thus about "comfort" and "peace" and the rest? I am
+not a fastidious man, nor one who requires much. Never in my life have I
+been so comfortable as now. Why, then, should I complain in my old age?
+I have enough to eat, I am well dressed and booted. Also, I have my
+diversions. You see, I am not of noble blood. My father himself was not
+a gentleman; he and his family had to live even more plainly than I do.
+Nor am I a milksop. Nevertheless, to speak frankly, I do not like my
+present abode so much as I used to like my old one. Somehow the latter
+seemed more cosy, dearest. Of course, this room is a good one enough;
+in fact, in SOME respects it is the more cheerful and interesting of the
+two. I have nothing to say against it--no. Yet I miss the room that used
+to be so familiar to me. Old lodgers like myself soon grow as attached
+to our chattels as to a kinsman. My old room was such a snug little
+place! True, its walls resembled those of any other room--I am not
+speaking of that; the point is that the recollection of them seems to
+haunt my mind with sadness. Curious that recollections should be so
+mournful! Even what in that room used to vex me and inconvenience me now
+looms in a purified light, and figures in my imagination as a thing to
+be desired. We used to live there so quietly--I and an old landlady
+who is now dead. How my heart aches to remember her, for she was a good
+woman, and never overcharged for her rooms. Her whole time was spent in
+making patchwork quilts with knitting-needles that were an arshin [An
+ell.] long. Oftentimes we shared the same candle and board. Also she had
+a granddaughter, Masha--a girl who was then a mere baby, but must now be
+a girl of thirteen. This little piece of mischief, how she used to make
+us laugh the day long! We lived together, a happy family of three. Often
+of a long winter's evening we would first have tea at the big round
+table, and then betake ourselves to our work; the while that, to amuse
+the child and to keep her out of mischief, the old lady would set
+herself to tell stories. What stories they were!--though stories less
+suitable for a child than for a grown-up, educated person. My word! Why,
+I myself have sat listening to them, as I smoked my pipe, until I have
+forgotten about work altogether. And then, as the story grew grimmer,
+the little child, our little bag of mischief, would grow thoughtful in
+proportion, and clasp her rosy cheeks in her tiny hands, and, hiding her
+face, press closer to the old landlady. Ah, how I loved to see her at
+those moments! As one gazed at her one would fail to notice how the
+candle was flickering, or how the storm was swishing the snow about the
+courtyard. Yes, that was a goodly life, my Barbara, and we lived it
+for nearly twenty years.... How my tongue does carry me away! Maybe
+the subject does not interest you, and I myself find it a not over-easy
+subject to recall--especially at the present time.
+
+Darkness is falling, and Theresa is busying herself with something or
+another. My head and my back are aching, and even my thoughts seem to
+be in pain, so strangely do they occur. Yes, my heart is sad today,
+Barbara.... What is it you have written to me?----"Why do you not come
+in PERSON to see me?" Dear one, what would people say? I should have
+but to cross the courtyard for people to begin noticing us, and asking
+themselves questions. Gossip and scandal would arise, and there would be
+read into the affair quite another meaning than the real one. No, little
+angel, it were better that I should see you tomorrow at Vespers. That
+will be the better plan, and less hurtful to us both. Nor must you chide
+me, beloved, because I have written you a letter like this (reading it
+through, I see it to be all odds and ends); for I am an old man now,
+dear Barbara, and an uneducated one. Little learning had I in my youth,
+and things refuse to fix themselves in my brain when I try to learn
+them anew. No, I am not skilled in letter-writing, Barbara, and, without
+being told so, or any one laughing at me for it, I know that, whenever
+I try to describe anything with more than ordinary distinctness, I fall
+into the mistake of talking sheer rubbish.... I saw you at your window
+today--yes, I saw you as you were drawing down the blind! Good-bye,
+goodbye, little Barbara, and may God keep you! Good-bye, my own Barbara
+Alexievna!--Your sincere friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+P.S.--Do not think that I could write to you in a satirical vein, for I
+am too old to show my teeth to no purpose, and people would laugh at me,
+and quote our Russian proverb: "Who diggeth a pit for another one, the
+same shall fall into it himself."
+
+
+
+
+April 9th
+
+MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Are not you, my friend and benefactor,
+just a little ashamed to repine and give way to such despondency? And
+surely you are not offended with me? Ah! Though often thoughtless in my
+speech, I never should have imagined that you would take my words as
+a jest at your expense. Rest assured that NEVER should I make sport of
+your years or of your character. Only my own levity is at fault; still
+more, the fact that I am so weary of life.
+
+What will such a feeling not engender? To tell you the truth, I had
+supposed that YOU were jesting in your letter; wherefore, my heart was
+feeling heavy at the thought that you could feel so displeased with
+me. Kind comrade and helper, you will be doing me an injustice if for
+a single moment you ever suspect that I am lacking in feeling or in
+gratitude towards you. My heart, believe me, is able to appraise at
+its true worth all that you have done for me by protecting me from my
+enemies, and from hatred and persecution. Never shall I cease to pray
+to God for you; and, should my prayers ever reach Him and be received of
+Heaven, then assuredly fortune will smile upon you!
+
+Today I am not well. By turns I shiver and flush with heat, and Thedora
+is greatly disturbed about me.... Do not scruple to come and see me,
+Makar Alexievitch. How can it concern other people what you do? You and
+I are well enough acquainted with each other, and one's own affairs are
+one's own affairs. Goodbye, Makar Alexievitch, for I have come to the
+end of all I had to say, and am feeling too unwell to write more. Again
+I beg of you not to be angry with me, but to rest assured of my constant
+respect and attachment.--Your humble, devoted servant,
+
+BARBARA DOBROSELOVA.
+
+
+
+
+April 12th
+
+DEAREST MISTRESS BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I pray you, my beloved, to tell
+me what ails you. Every one of your letters fills me with alarm. On the
+other hand, in every letter I urge you to be more careful of yourself,
+and to wrap up yourself warmly, and to avoid going out in bad weather,
+and to be in all things prudent. Yet you go and disobey me! Ah, little
+angel, you are a perfect child! I know well that you are as weak as a
+blade of grass, and that, no matter what wind blows upon you, you are
+ready to fade. But you must be careful of yourself, dearest; you MUST
+look after yourself better; you MUST avoid all risks, lest you plunge
+your friends into desolation and despair.
+
+Dearest, you also express a wish to learn the details of my daily life
+and surroundings. That wish I hasten to satisfy. Let me begin at
+the beginning, since, by doing so, I shall explain things more
+systematically. In the first place, on entering this house, one passes
+into a very bare hall, and thence along a passage to a mean staircase.
+The reception room, however, is bright, clean, and spacious, and is
+lined with redwood and metal-work. But the scullery you would not care
+to see; it is greasy, dirty, and odoriferous, while the stairs are in
+rags, and the walls so covered with filth that the hand sticks fast
+wherever it touches them. Also, on each landing there is a medley of
+boxes, chairs, and dilapidated wardrobes; while the windows have had
+most of their panes shattered, and everywhere stand washtubs filled with
+dirt, litter, eggshells, and fish-bladders. The smell is abominable. In
+short, the house is not a nice one.
+
+As to the disposition of the rooms, I have described it to you
+already. True, they are convenient enough, yet every one of them has an
+ATMOSPHERE. I do not mean that they smell badly so much as that each of
+them seems to contain something which gives forth a rank, sickly-sweet
+odour. At first the impression is an unpleasant one, but a couple of
+minutes will suffice to dissipate it, for the reason that EVERYTHING
+here smells--people's clothes, hands, and everything else--and one grows
+accustomed to the rankness. Canaries, however, soon die in this house. A
+naval officer here has just bought his fifth. Birds cannot live long
+in such an air. Every morning, when fish or beef is being cooked, and
+washing and scrubbing are in progress, the house is filled with steam.
+Always, too, the kitchen is full of linen hanging out to dry; and since
+my room adjoins that apartment, the smell from the clothes causes me not
+a little annoyance. However, one can grow used to anything.
+
+From earliest dawn the house is astir as its inmates rise, walk about,
+and stamp their feet. That is to say, everyone who has to go to work
+then gets out of bed. First of all, tea is partaken of. Most of the
+tea-urns belong to the landlady; and since there are not very many of
+them, we have to wait our turn. Anyone who fails to do so will find
+his teapot emptied and put away. On the first occasion, that was what
+happened to myself. Well, is there anything else to tell you? Already I
+have made the acquaintance of the company here. The naval officer took
+the initiative in calling upon me, and his frankness was such that he
+told me all about his father, his mother, his sister (who is married to
+a lawyer of Tula), and the town of Kronstadt. Also, he promised me
+his patronage, and asked me to come and take tea with him. I kept the
+appointment in a room where card-playing is continually in progress;
+and, after tea had been drunk, efforts were made to induce me to gamble.
+Whether or not my refusal seemed to the company ridiculous I cannot
+say, but at all events my companions played the whole evening, and were
+playing when I left. The dust and smoke in the room made my eyes ache.
+I declined, as I say, to play cards, and was, therefore, requested to
+discourse on philosophy, after which no one spoke to me at all--a result
+which I did not regret. In fact, I have no intention of going there
+again, since every one is for gambling, and for nothing but gambling.
+Even the literary tchinovnik gives such parties in his room--though, in
+his case, everything is done delicately and with a certain refinement,
+so that the thing has something of a retiring and innocent air.
+
+In passing, I may tell you that our landlady is NOT a nice woman. In
+fact, she is a regular beldame. You have seen her once, so what do you
+think of her? She is as lanky as a plucked chicken in consumption,
+and, with Phaldoni (her servant), constitutes the entire staff of the
+establishment. Whether or not Phaldoni has any other name I do not know,
+but at least he answers to this one, and every one calls him by it.
+A red-haired, swine-jowled, snub-nosed, crooked lout, he is for ever
+wrangling with Theresa, until the pair nearly come to blows. In short,
+life is not overly pleasant in this place. Never at any time is the
+household wholly at rest, for always there are people sitting up to
+play cards. Sometimes, too, certain things are done of which it would
+be shameful for me to speak. In particular, hardened though I am, it
+astonishes me that men WITH FAMILIES should care to live in this Sodom.
+For example, there is a family of poor folk who have rented from the
+landlady a room which does not adjoin the other rooms, but is set apart
+in a corner by itself. Yet what quiet people they are! Not a sound is
+to be heard from them. The father--he is called Gorshkov--is a little
+grey-headed tchinovnik who, seven years ago, was dismissed from public
+service, and now walks about in a coat so dirty and ragged that it hurts
+one to see it. Indeed it is a worse coat even than mine! Also, he is
+so thin and frail (at times I meet him in the corridor) that his knees
+quake under him, his hands and head are tremulous with some disease
+(God only knows what!), and he so fears and distrusts everybody that he
+always walks alone. Reserved though I myself am, he is even worse. As
+for his family, it consists of a wife and three children. The eldest of
+the latter--a boy--is as frail as his father, while the mother--a woman
+who, formerly, must have been good looking, and still has a striking
+aspect in spite of her pallor--goes about in the sorriest of rags. Also
+I have heard that they are in debt to our landlady, as well as that she
+is not overly kind to them. Moreover, I have heard that Gorshkov lost
+his post through some unpleasantness or other--through a legal suit
+or process of which I could not exactly tell you the nature. Yes, they
+certainly are poor--Oh, my God, how poor! At the same time, never a
+sound comes from their room. It is as though not a soul were living in
+it. Never does one hear even the children--which is an unusual thing,
+seeing that children are ever ready to sport and play, and if they fail
+to do so it is a bad sign. One evening when I chanced to be passing the
+door of their room, and all was quiet in the house, I heard through the
+door a sob, and then a whisper, and then another sob, as though somebody
+within were weeping, and with such subdued bitterness that it tore my
+heart to hear the sound. In fact, the thought of these poor people never
+left me all night, and quite prevented me from sleeping.
+
+Well, good-bye, my little Barbara, my little friend beyond price. I have
+described to you everything to the best of my ability. All today you
+have been in my thoughts; all today my heart has been yearning for you.
+I happen to know, dearest one, that you lack a warm cloak. To me too,
+these St. Petersburg springs, with their winds and their snow showers,
+spell death. Good heavens, how the breezes bite one! Do not be angry,
+beloved, that I should write like this. Style I have not. Would that
+I had! I write just what wanders into my brain, in the hope that I may
+cheer you up a little. Of course, had I had a good education, things
+might have been different; but, as things were, I could not have
+one. Never did I learn even to do simple sums!--Your faithful and
+unchangeable friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+April 25th
+
+MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Today I met my cousin Sasha. To see her
+going to wrack and ruin shocked me terribly. Moreover, it has reached
+me, through a side wind, that she has been making inquiry for me, and
+dogging my footsteps, under the pretext that she wishes to pardon me, to
+forget the past, and to renew our acquaintance. Well, among other things
+she told me that, whereas you are not a kinsman of mine, that she is my
+nearest relative; that you have no right whatever to enter into family
+relations with us; and that it is wrong and shameful for me to be
+living upon your earnings and charity. Also, she said that I must have
+forgotten all that she did for me, though thereby she saved both myself
+and my mother from starvation, and gave us food and drink; that for two
+and a half years we caused her great loss; and, above all things, that
+she excused us what we owed her. Even my poor mother she did not spare.
+Would that she, my dead parent, could know how I am being treated!
+But God knows all about it.... Also, Anna declared that it was solely
+through my own fault that my fortunes declined after she had bettered
+them; that she is in no way responsible for what then happened; and that
+I have but myself to blame for having been either unable or unwilling to
+defend my honour. Great God! WHO, then, has been at fault? According to
+Anna, Hospodin [Mr.] Bwikov was only right when he declined to marry
+a woman who--But need I say it? It is cruel to hear such lies as hers.
+What is to become of me I do not know. I tremble and sob and weep.
+Indeed, even to write this letter has cost me two hours. At least it
+might have been thought that Anna would have confessed HER share in the
+past. Yet see what she says!... For the love of God do not be anxious
+about me, my friend, my only benefactor. Thedora is over apt to
+exaggerate matters. I am not REALLY ill. I have merely caught a little
+cold. I caught it last night while I was walking to Bolkovo, to hear
+Mass sung for my mother. Ah, mother, my poor mother! Could you but rise
+from the grave and learn what is being done to your daughter!
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+May 20th
+
+MY DEAREST LITTLE BARBARA,--I am sending you a few grapes, which are
+good for a convalescent person, and strongly recommended by doctors for
+the allayment of fever. Also, you were saying the other day that you
+would like some roses; wherefore, I now send you a bunch. Are you at all
+able to eat, my darling?--for that is the chief point which ought to
+be seen to. Let us thank God that the past and all its unhappiness are
+gone! Yes, let us give thanks to Heaven for that much! As for books, I
+cannot get hold of any, except for a book which, written in excellent
+style, is, I believe, to be had here. At all events, people keep
+praising it very much, and I have begged the loan of it for myself.
+Should you too like to read it? In this respect, indeed, I feel nervous,
+for the reason that it is so difficult to divine what your taste in
+books may be, despite my knowledge of your character. Probably you would
+like poetry--the poetry of sentiment and of love making? Well, I will
+send you a book of MY OWN poems. Already I have copied out part of the
+manuscript.
+
+Everything with me is going well; so pray do not be anxious on my
+account, beloved. What Thedora told you about me was sheer rubbish. Tell
+her from me that she has not been speaking the truth. Yes, do not fail
+to give this mischief-maker my message. It is not the case that I have
+gone and sold a new uniform. Why should I do so, seeing that I have
+forty roubles of salary still to come to me? Do not be uneasy, my
+darling. Thedora is a vindictive woman--merely a vindictive woman. We
+shall yet see better days. Only do you get well, my angel--only do you
+get well, for the love of God, lest you grieve an old man. Also, who
+told you that I was looking thin? Slanders again--nothing but slanders!
+I am as healthy as could be, and have grown so fat that I am ashamed
+to be so sleek of paunch. Would that you were equally healthy!... Now
+goodbye, my angel. I kiss every one of your tiny fingers, and remain
+ever your constant friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+P.S.--But what is this, dearest one, that you have written to me? Why do
+you place me upon such a pedestal? Moreover, how could I come and visit
+you frequently? How, I repeat? Of course, I might avail myself of the
+cover of night; but, alas! the season of the year is what it is, and
+includes no night time to speak of. In fact, although, throughout your
+illness and delirium, I scarcely left your side for a moment, I cannot
+think how I contrived to do the many things that I did. Later, I ceased
+to visit you at all, for the reason that people were beginning to notice
+things, and to ask me questions. Yet, even so, a scandal has arisen.
+Theresa I trust thoroughly, for she is not a talkative woman; but
+consider how it will be when the truth comes out in its entirety! What
+THEN will folk not say and think? Nevertheless, be of good cheer, my
+beloved, and regain your health. When you have done so we will contrive
+to arrange a rendezvous out of doors.
+
+
+
+
+June 1st
+
+MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--So eager am I to do something that
+will please and divert you in return for your care, for your ceaseless
+efforts on my behalf--in short, for your love for me--that I have
+decided to beguile a leisure hour for you by delving into my locker, and
+extracting thence the manuscript which I send you herewith. I began it
+during the happier period of my life, and have continued it at intervals
+since. So often have you asked me about my former existence--about my
+mother, about Pokrovski, about my sojourn with Anna Thedorovna, about my
+more recent misfortunes; so often have you expressed an earnest desire
+to read the manuscript in which (God knows why) I have recorded certain
+incidents of my life, that I feel no doubt but that the sending of it
+will give you sincere pleasure. Yet somehow I feel depressed when I read
+it, for I seem now to have grown twice as old as I was when I penned
+its concluding lines. Ah, Makar Alexievitch, how weary I am--how this
+insomnia tortures me! Convalescence is indeed a hard thing to bear!
+
+B. D.
+
+ONE
+
+UP to the age of fourteen, when my father died, my childhood was the
+happiest period of my life. It began very far away from here in the
+depths of the province of Tula, where my father filled the position of
+steward on the vast estates of the Prince P----. Our house was situated in
+one of the Prince's villages, and we lived a quiet, obscure, but happy,
+life. A gay little child was I--my one idea being ceaselessly to run
+about the fields and the woods and the garden. No one ever gave me a
+thought, for my father was always occupied with business affairs, and
+my mother with her housekeeping. Nor did any one ever give me any
+lessons--a circumstance for which I was not sorry. At earliest dawn I
+would hie me to a pond or a copse, or to a hay or a harvest field, where
+the sun could warm me, and I could roam wherever I liked, and scratch my
+hands with bushes, and tear my clothes in pieces. For this I used to get
+blamed afterwards, but I did not care.
+
+Had it befallen me never to quit that village--had it befallen me to
+remain for ever in that spot--I should always have been happy; but fate
+ordained that I should leave my birthplace even before my girlhood had
+come to an end. In short, I was only twelve years old when we removed
+to St. Petersburg. Ah! how it hurts me to recall the mournful gatherings
+before our departure, and to recall how bitterly I wept when the time
+came for us to say farewell to all that I had held so dear! I remember
+throwing myself upon my father's neck, and beseeching him with tears
+to stay in the country a little longer; but he bid me be silent, and
+my mother, adding her tears to mine, explained that business matters
+compelled us to go. As a matter of fact, old Prince P---- had just died,
+and his heirs had dismissed my father from his post; whereupon, since
+he had a little money privately invested in St. Petersburg, he bethought
+him that his personal presence in the capital was necessary for the
+due management of his affairs. It was my mother who told me this.
+Consequently we settled here in St. Petersburg, and did not again move
+until my father died.
+
+How difficult I found it to grow accustomed to my new life! At the time
+of our removal to St. Petersburg it was autumn--a season when, in the
+country, the weather is clear and keen and bright, all agricultural
+labour has come to an end, the great sheaves of corn are safely garnered
+in the byre, and the birds are flying hither and thither in clamorous
+flocks. Yes, at that season the country is joyous and fair, but here
+in St. Petersburg, at the time when we reached the city, we encountered
+nothing but rain, bitter autumn frosts, dull skies, ugliness, and crowds
+of strangers who looked hostile, discontented, and disposed to take
+offence. However, we managed to settle down--though I remember that
+in our new home there was much noise and confusion as we set the
+establishment in order. After this my father was seldom at home, and my
+mother had few spare moments; wherefore, I found myself forgotten.
+
+The first morning after our arrival, when I awoke from sleep, how sad I
+felt! I could see that our windows looked out upon a drab space of wall,
+and that the street below was littered with filth. Passers-by were few,
+and as they walked they kept muffling themselves up against the cold.
+
+Then there ensued days when dullness and depression reigned supreme.
+Scarcely a relative or an acquaintance did we possess in St. Petersburg,
+and even Anna Thedorovna and my father had come to loggerheads with one
+another, owing to the fact that he owed her money. In fact, our only
+visitors were business callers, and as a rule these came but to wrangle,
+to argue, and to raise a disturbance. Such visits would make my father
+look very discontented, and seem out of temper. For hours and hours he
+would pace the room with a frown on his face and a brooding silence on
+his lips. Even my mother did not dare address him at these times,
+while, for my own part, I used to sit reading quietly and humbly in a
+corner--not venturing to make a movement of any sort.
+
+Three months after our arrival in St. Petersburg I was sent to a
+boarding-school. Here I found myself thrown among strange people; here
+everything was grim and uninviting, with teachers continually shouting
+at me, and my fellow-pupils for ever holding me up to derision, and
+myself constantly feeling awkward and uncouth. How strict, how exacting
+was the system! Appointed hours for everything, a common table,
+ever-insistent teachers! These things simply worried and tortured me.
+Never from the first could I sleep, but used to weep many a chill, weary
+night away. In the evenings everyone would have to repeat or to learn
+her lessons. As I crouched over a dialogue or a vocabulary, without
+daring even to stir, how my thoughts would turn to the chimney-corner
+at home, to my father, to my mother, to my old nurse, to the tales which
+the latter had been used to tell! How sad it all was! The memory of the
+merest trifle at home would please me, and I would think and think how
+nice things used to be at home. Once more I would be sitting in our
+little parlour at tea with my parents--in the familiar little parlour
+where everything was snug and warm! How ardently, how convulsively I
+would seem to be embracing my mother! Thus I would ponder, until at
+length tears of sorrow would softly gush forth and choke my bosom, and
+drive the lessons out of my head. For I never could master the tasks of
+the morrow; no matter how much my mistress and fellow-pupils might gird
+at me, no matter how much I might repeat my lessons over and over to
+myself, knowledge never came with the morning. Consequently, I used to
+be ordered the kneeling punishment, and given only one meal in the day.
+How dull and dispirited I used to feel! From the first my fellow-pupils
+used to tease and deride and mock me whenever I was saying my lessons.
+Also, they used to pinch me as we were on our way to dinner or tea, and
+to make groundless complaints of me to the head mistress. On the other
+hand, how heavenly it seemed when, on Saturday evening, my old nurse
+arrived to fetch me! How I would embrace the old woman in transports
+of joy! After dressing me, and wrapping me up, she would find that
+she could scarcely keep pace with me on the way home, so full was I of
+chatter and tales about one thing and another. Then, when I had arrived
+home merry and lighthearted, how fervently I would embrace my parents,
+as though I had not seen them for ten years. Such a fussing would there
+be--such a talking and a telling of tales! To everyone I would run with
+a greeting, and laugh, and giggle, and scamper about, and skip for
+very joy. True, my father and I used to have grave conversations about
+lessons and teachers and the French language and grammar; yet we were
+all very happy and contented together. Even now it thrills me to think
+of those moments. For my father's sake I tried hard to learn my lessons,
+for I could see that he was spending his last kopeck upon me, and
+himself subsisting God knows how. Every day he grew more morose and
+discontented and irritable; every day his character kept changing for
+the worse. He had suffered an influx of debts, nor were his business
+affairs prospering. As for my mother, she was afraid even to say a word,
+or to weep aloud, for fear of still further angering him. Gradually
+she sickened, grew thinner and thinner, and became taken with a painful
+cough. Whenever I reached home from school I would find every one
+low-spirited, and my mother shedding silent tears, and my father raging.
+Bickering and high words would arise, during which my father was wont
+to declare that, though he no longer derived the smallest pleasure or
+relaxation from life, and had spent his last coin upon my education, I
+had not yet mastered the French language. In short, everything began to
+go wrong, to turn to unhappiness; and for that circumstance, my father
+took vengeance upon myself and my mother. How he could treat my poor
+mother so I cannot understand. It used to rend my heart to see her, so
+hollow were her cheeks becoming, so sunken her eyes, so hectic her
+face. But it was chiefly around myself that the disputes raged. Though
+beginning only with some trifle, they would soon go on to God knows
+what. Frequently, even I myself did not know to what they related.
+Anything and everything would enter into them, for my father would say
+that I was an utter dunce at the French language; that the head mistress
+of my school was a stupid, common sort of women who cared nothing for
+morals; that he (my father) had not yet succeeded in obtaining another
+post; that Lamonde's "Grammar" was a wretched book--even a worse one
+than Zapolski's; that a great deal of money had been squandered upon me;
+that it was clear that I was wasting my time in repeating dialogues
+and vocabularies; that I alone was at fault, and that I must answer for
+everything. Yet this did not arise from any WANT OF LOVE for me on the
+part of my father, but rather from the fact that he was incapable of
+putting himself in my own and my mother's place. It came of a defect of
+character.
+
+All these cares and worries and disappointments tortured my poor father
+until he became moody and distrustful. Next he began to neglect his
+health, with the result that, catching a chill, he died, after a short
+illness, so suddenly and unexpectedly that for a few days we were almost
+beside ourselves with the shock--my mother, in particular, lying for
+a while in such a state of torpor that I had fears for her reason. The
+instant my father was dead creditors seemed to spring up out of the
+ground, and to assail us en masse. Everything that we possessed had to
+be surrendered to them, including a little house which my father had
+bought six months after our arrival in St. Petersburg. How matters
+were finally settled I do not know, but we found ourselves roofless,
+shelterless, and without a copper. My mother was grievously ill, and
+of means of subsistence we had none. Before us there loomed only ruin,
+sheer ruin. At the time I was fourteen years old. Soon afterwards Anna
+Thedorovna came to see us, saying that she was a lady of property and
+our relative; and this my mother confirmed--though, true, she added that
+Anna was only a very DISTANT relative. Anna had never taken the least
+notice of us during my father's lifetime, yet now she entered our
+presence with tears in her eyes, and an assurance that she meant to
+better our fortunes. Having condoled with us on our loss and destitute
+position, she added that my father had been to blame for everything, in
+that he had lived beyond his means, and taken upon himself more than he
+was able to perform. Also, she expressed a wish to draw closer to us,
+and to forget old scores; and when my mother explained that, for her own
+part, she harboured no resentment against Anna, the latter burst into
+tears, and, hurrying my mother away to church, then and there ordered
+Mass to be said for the "dear departed," as she called my father. In
+this manner she effected a solemn reconciliation with my mother.
+
+Next, after long negotiations and vacillations, coupled with much
+vivid description of our destitute position, our desolation, and our
+helplessness, Anna invited us to pay her (as she expressed it) a
+"return visit." For this my mother duly thanked her, and considered the
+invitation for a while; after which, seeing that there was nothing
+else to be done, she informed Anna Thedorovna that she was prepared,
+gratefully, to accept her offer. Ah, how I remember the morning when we
+removed to Vassilievski Island! [A quarter of St. Petersburg.] It was a
+clear, dry, frosty morning in autumn. My mother could not restrain
+her tears, and I too felt depressed. Nay, my very heart seemed to be
+breaking under a strange, undefined load of sorrow. How terrible it all
+seemed!...
+
+II
+
+AT first--that is to say, until my mother and myself grew used to
+our new abode--we found living at Anna Thedorovna's both strange and
+disagreeable. The house was her own, and contained five rooms, three of
+which she shared with my orphaned cousin, Sasha (whom she had brought up
+from babyhood); a fourth was occupied by my mother and myself; and the
+fifth was rented of Anna by a poor student named Pokrovski. Although
+Anna lived in good style--in far better style than might have been
+expected--her means and her avocation were conjectural. Never was she
+at rest; never was she not busy with some mysterious something or other.
+Also, she possessed a wide and varied circle of friends. The stream of
+callers was perpetual--although God only knows who they were, or what
+their business was. No sooner did my mother hear the door-bell ring than
+off she would carry me to our own apartment. This greatly displeased
+Anna, who used again and again to assure my mother that we were too
+proud for our station in life. In fact, she would sulk for hours about
+it. At the time I could not understand these reproaches, and it was
+not until long afterwards that I learned--or rather, I guessed--why
+eventually my mother declared that she could not go on living with Anna.
+Yes, Anna was a bad woman. Never did she let us alone. As to the exact
+motive why she had asked us to come and share her house with her I am
+still in the dark. At first she was not altogether unkind to us but,
+later, she revealed to us her real character--as soon, that is to say,
+as she saw that we were at her mercy, and had nowhere else to go.
+Yes, in early days she was quite kind to me--even offensively so, but
+afterwards, I had to suffer as much as my mother. Constantly did Anna
+reproach us; constantly did she remind us of her benefactions, and
+introduce us to her friends as poor relatives of hers whom, out of
+goodness of heart and for the love of Christ, she had received into her
+bosom. At table, also, she would watch every mouthful that we took;
+and, if our appetite failed, immediately she would begin as before, and
+reiterate that we were over-dainty, that we must not assume that riches
+would mean happiness, and that we had better go and live by ourselves.
+Moreover, she never ceased to inveigh against my father--saying that
+he had sought to be better than other people, and thereby had brought
+himself to a bad end; that he had left his wife and daughter destitute;
+and that, but for the fact that we had happened to meet with a kind and
+sympathetic Christian soul, God alone knew where we should have laid our
+heads, save in the street. What did that woman not say? To hear her was
+not so much galling as disgusting. From time to time my mother would
+burst into tears, her health grew worse from day to day, and her body
+was becoming sheer skin and bone. All the while, too, we had to work--to
+work from morning till night, for we had contrived to obtain some
+employment as occasional sempstresses. This, however, did not please
+Anna, who used to tell us that there was no room in her house for a
+modiste's establishment. Yet we had to get clothes to wear, to provide
+for unforeseen expenses, and to have a little money at our disposal in
+case we should some day wish to remove elsewhere. Unfortunately, the
+strain undermined my mother's health, and she became gradually weaker.
+Sickness, like a cankerworm, was gnawing at her life, and dragging her
+towards the tomb. Well could I see what she was enduring, what she was
+suffering. Yes, it all lay open to my eyes.
+
+Day succeeded day, and each day was like the last one. We lived a life
+as quiet as though we had been in the country. Anna herself grew quieter
+in proportion as she came to realise the extent of her power over us.
+In nothing did we dare to thwart her. From her portion of the house
+our apartment was divided by a corridor, while next to us (as mentioned
+above) dwelt a certain Pokrovski, who was engaged in teaching Sasha the
+French and German languages, as well as history and geography--"all the
+sciences," as Anna used to say. In return for these services he received
+free board and lodging. As for Sasha, she was a clever, but rude and
+uncouth, girl of thirteen. On one occasion Anna remarked to my mother
+that it might be as well if I also were to take some lessons, seeing
+that my education had been neglected at school; and, my mother joyfully
+assenting, I joined Sasha for a year in studying under this Pokrovski.
+
+The latter was a poor--a very poor--young man whose health would not
+permit of his undertaking the regular university course. Indeed, it was
+only for form's sake that we called him "The Student." He lived in such
+a quiet, humble, retiring fashion that never a sound reached us from his
+room. Also, his exterior was peculiar--he moved and walked awkwardly,
+and uttered his words in such a strange manner that at first I could
+never look at him without laughing. Sasha was for ever playing tricks
+upon him--more especially when he was giving us our lessons. But
+unfortunately, he was of a temperament as excitable as herself. Indeed,
+he was so irritable that the least trifle would send him into a frenzy,
+and set him shouting at us, and complaining of our conduct. Sometimes he
+would even rush away to his room before school hours were over, and sit
+there for days over his books, of which he had a store that was
+both rare and valuable. In addition, he acted as teacher at another
+establishment, and received payment for his services there; and,
+whenever he had received his fees for this extra work, he would hasten
+off and purchase more books.
+
+In time I got to know and like him better, for in reality he was a good,
+worthy fellow--more so than any of the people with whom we otherwise
+came in contact. My mother in particular had a great respect for him,
+and, after herself, he was my best friend. But at first I was just an
+overgrown hoyden, and joined Sasha in playing the fool. For hours we
+would devise tricks to anger and distract him, for he looked extremely
+ridiculous when he was angry, and so diverted us the more (ashamed
+though I am now to admit it). But once, when we had driven him nearly
+to tears, I heard him say to himself under his breath, "What cruel
+children!" and instantly I repented--I began to feel sad and ashamed and
+sorry for him. I reddened to my ears, and begged him, almost with tears,
+not to mind us, nor to take offence at our stupid jests. Nevertheless,
+without finishing the lesson, he closed his book, and departed to his
+own room. All that day I felt torn with remorse. To think that we two
+children had forced him, the poor, the unhappy one, to remember his hard
+lot! And at night I could not sleep for grief and regret. Remorse is
+said to bring relief to the soul, but it is not so. How far my grief was
+internally connected with my conceit I do not know, but at least I did
+not wish him to think me a baby, seeing that I had now reached the age
+of fifteen years. Therefore, from that day onwards I began to torture
+my imagination with devising a thousand schemes which should compel
+Pokrovski to alter his opinion of me. At the same time, being yet shy
+and reserved by nature, I ended by finding that, in my present position,
+I could make up my mind to nothing but vague dreams (and such dreams
+I had). However, I ceased to join Sasha in playing the fool, while
+Pokrovski, for his part, ceased to lose his temper with us so much.
+Unfortunately this was not enough to satisfy my self-esteem.
+
+At this point, I must say a few words about the strangest, the most
+interesting, the most pitiable human being that I have ever come across.
+I speak of him now--at this particular point in these memoirs--for the
+reason that hitherto I had paid him no attention whatever, and began to
+do so now only because everything connected with Pokrovski had suddenly
+become of absorbing interest in my eyes.
+
+Sometimes there came to the house a ragged, poorly-dressed, grey-headed,
+awkward, amorphous--in short, a very strange-looking--little old man. At
+first glance it might have been thought that he was perpetually ashamed
+of something--that he had on his conscience something which always made
+him, as it were, bristle up and then shrink into himself. Such curious
+starts and grimaces did he indulge in that one was forced to conclude
+that he was scarcely in his right mind. On arriving, he would halt for
+a while by the window in the hall, as though afraid to enter; until,
+should any one happen to pass in or out of the door--whether Sasha or
+myself or one of the servants (to the latter he always resorted the most
+readily, as being the most nearly akin to his own class)--he would begin
+to gesticulate and to beckon to that person, and to make various signs.
+Then, should the person in question nod to him, or call him by name (the
+recognised token that no other visitor was present, and that he
+might enter freely), he would open the door gently, give a smile of
+satisfaction as he rubbed his hands together, and proceed on tiptoe to
+young Pokrovski's room. This old fellow was none other than Pokrovski's
+father.
+
+Later I came to know his story in detail. Formerly a civil servant, he
+had possessed no additional means, and so had occupied a very low
+and insignificant position in the service. Then, after his first wife
+(mother of the younger Pokrovski) had died, the widower bethought him of
+marrying a second time, and took to himself a tradesman's daughter, who
+soon assumed the reins over everything, and brought the home to rack and
+ruin, so that the old man was worse off than before. But to the younger
+Pokrovski, fate proved kinder, for a landowner named Bwikov, who had
+formerly known the lad's father and been his benefactor, took the boy
+under his protection, and sent him to school. Another reason why this
+Bwikov took an interest in young Pokrovski was that he had known the
+lad's dead mother, who, while still a serving-maid, had been befriended
+by Anna Thedorovna, and subsequently married to the elder Pokrovski. At
+the wedding Bwikov, actuated by his friendship for Anna, conferred upon
+the young bride a dowry of five thousand roubles; but whither that money
+had since disappeared I cannot say. It was from Anna's lips that I heard
+the story, for the student Pokrovski was never prone to talk about his
+family affairs. His mother was said to have been very good-looking;
+wherefore, it is the more mysterious why she should have made so poor a
+match. She died when young--only four years after her espousal.
+
+From school the young Pokrovski advanced to a gymnasium, [Secondary
+school.] and thence to the University, where Bwikov, who frequently
+visited the capital, continued to accord the youth his protection.
+Gradually, however, ill health put an end to the young man's university
+course; whereupon Bwikov introduced and personally recommended him to
+Anna Thedorovna, and he came to lodge with her on condition that he
+taught Sasha whatever might be required of him.
+
+Grief at the harshness of his wife led the elder Pokrovski to plunge
+into dissipation, and to remain in an almost permanent condition of
+drunkenness. Constantly his wife beat him, or sent him to sit in the
+kitchen--with the result that in time, he became so inured to blows
+and neglect, that he ceased to complain. Still not greatly advanced
+in years, he had nevertheless endangered his reason through evil
+courses--his only sign of decent human feeling being his love for his
+son. The latter was said to resemble his dead mother as one pea may
+resemble another. What recollections, therefore, of the kind helpmeet of
+former days may not have moved the breast of the poor broken old man to
+this boundless affection for the boy? Of naught else could the father
+ever speak but of his son, and never did he fail to visit him twice a
+week. To come oftener he did not dare, for the reason that the younger
+Pokrovski did not like these visits of his father's. In fact, there
+can be no doubt that the youth's greatest fault was his lack of filial
+respect. Yet the father was certainly rather a difficult person to deal
+with, for, in the first place, he was extremely inquisitive, while, in
+the second place, his long-winded conversation and questions--questions
+of the most vapid and senseless order conceivable--always prevented
+the son from working. Likewise, the old man occasionally arrived there
+drunk. Gradually, however, the son was weaning his parent from his
+vicious ways and everlasting inquisitiveness, and teaching the old man
+to look upon him, his son, as an oracle, and never to speak without that
+son's permission.
+
+On the subject of his Petinka, as he called him, the poor old man could
+never sufficiently rhapsodise and dilate. Yet when he arrived to see his
+son he almost invariably had on his face a downcast, timid expression
+that was probably due to uncertainty concerning the way in which he
+would be received. For a long time he would hesitate to enter, and if I
+happened to be there he would question me for twenty minutes or so as to
+whether his Petinka was in good health, as well as to the sort of
+mood he was in, whether he was engaged on matters of importance, what
+precisely he was doing (writing or meditating), and so on. Then, when I
+had sufficiently encouraged and reassured the old man, he would make up
+his mind to enter, and quietly and cautiously open the door. Next, he
+would protrude his head through the chink, and if he saw that his son
+was not angry, but threw him a nod, he would glide noiselessly into the
+room, take off his scarf, and hang up his hat (the latter perennially
+in a bad state of repair, full of holes, and with a smashed brim)--the
+whole being done without a word or a sound of any kind. Next, the old
+man would seat himself warily on a chair, and, never removing his eyes
+from his son, follow his every movement, as though seeking to gauge
+Petinka's state of mind. On the other hand, if the son was not in good
+spirits, the father would make a note of the fact, and at once get up,
+saying that he had "only called for a minute or two," that, "having been
+out for a long walk, and happening at the moment to be passing," he had
+"looked in for a moment's rest." Then silently and humbly the old man
+would resume his hat and scarf; softly he would open the door, and
+noiselessly depart with a forced smile on his face--the better to bear
+the disappointment which was seething in his breast, the better to help
+him not to show it to his son.
+
+On the other hand, whenever the son received his father civilly the old
+man would be struck dumb with joy. Satisfaction would beam in his face,
+in his every gesture, in his every movement. And if the son deigned to
+engage in conversation with him, the old man always rose a little from
+his chair, and answered softly, sympathetically, with something like
+reverence, while strenuously endeavouring to make use of the most
+recherche (that is to say, the most ridiculous) expressions. But, alas!
+He had not the gift of words. Always he grew confused, and turned red in
+the face; never did he know what to do with his hands or with himself.
+Likewise, whenever he had returned an answer of any kind, he would go
+on repeating the same in a whisper, as though he were seeking to justify
+what he had just said. And if he happened to have returned a good
+answer, he would begin to preen himself, and to straighten his
+waistcoat, frockcoat and tie, and to assume an air of conscious dignity.
+Indeed, on these occasions he would feel so encouraged, he would carry
+his daring to such a pitch, that, rising softly from his chair, he would
+approach the bookshelves, take thence a book, and read over to himself
+some passage or another. All this he would do with an air of feigned
+indifference and sangfroid, as though he were free ALWAYS to use his
+son's books, and his son's kindness were no rarity at all. Yet on one
+occasion I saw the poor old fellow actually turn pale on being told by
+his son not to touch the books. Abashed and confused, he, in his awkward
+hurry, replaced the volume wrong side uppermost; whereupon, with a
+supreme effort to recover himself, he turned it round with a smile and
+a blush, as though he were at a loss how to view his own misdemeanour.
+Gradually, as already said, the younger Pokrovski weaned his father
+from his dissipated ways by giving him a small coin whenever, on three
+successive occasions, he (the father) arrived sober. Sometimes, also,
+the younger man would buy the older one shoes, or a tie, or a waistcoat;
+whereafter, the old man would be as proud of his acquisition as a
+peacock. Not infrequently, also, the old man would step in to visit
+ourselves, and bring Sasha and myself gingerbread birds or apples,
+while talking unceasingly of Petinka. Always he would beg of us to pay
+attention to our lessons, on the plea that Petinka was a good son, an
+exemplary son, a son who was in twofold measure a man of learning; after
+which he would wink at us so quizzingly with his left eye, and twist
+himself about in such amusing fashion, that we were forced to burst out
+laughing. My mother had a great liking for him, but he detested Anna
+Thedorovna--although in her presence he would be quieter than water and
+lowlier than the earth.
+
+Soon after this I ceased to take lessons of Pokrovski. Even now he
+thought me a child, a raw schoolgirl, as much as he did Sasha; and this
+hurt me extremely, seeing that I had done so much to expiate my former
+behaviour. Of my efforts in this direction no notice had been taken,
+and the fact continued to anger me more and more. Scarcely ever did I
+address a word to my tutor between school hours, for I simply could
+not bring myself to do it. If I made the attempt I only grew red and
+confused, and rushed away to weep in a corner. How it would all have
+ended I do not know, had not a curious incident helped to bring about
+a rapprochement. One evening, when my mother was sitting in Anna
+Thedorovna's room, I crept on tiptoe to Pokrovski's apartment, in the
+belief that he was not at home. Some strange impulse moved me to do so.
+True, we had lived cheek by jowl with one another; yet never once had
+I caught a glimpse of his abode. Consequently my heart beat loudly--so
+loudly, indeed, that it seemed almost to be bursting from my breast. On
+entering the room I glanced around me with tense interest. The apartment
+was very poorly furnished, and bore few traces of orderliness. On table
+and chairs there lay heaps of books; everywhere were books and papers.
+Then a strange thought entered my head, as well as, with the thought, an
+unpleasant feeling of irritation. It seemed to me that my friendship,
+my heart's affection, meant little to him, for HE was well-educated,
+whereas I was stupid, and had learned nothing, and had read not a single
+book. So I stood looking wistfully at the long bookshelves where
+they groaned under their weight of volumes. I felt filled with grief,
+disappointment, and a sort of frenzy. I felt that I MUST read those
+books, and decided to do so--to read them one by one, and with all
+possible speed. Probably the idea was that, by learning whatsoever HE
+knew, I should render myself more worthy of his friendship. So, I made
+a rush towards the bookcase nearest me, and, without stopping further
+to consider matters, seized hold of the first dusty tome upon which my
+hands chanced to alight, and, reddening and growing pale by turns, and
+trembling with fear and excitement, clasped the stolen book to my breast
+with the intention of reading it by candle light while my mother lay
+asleep at night.
+
+But how vexed I felt when, on returning to our own room, and hastily
+turning the pages, only an old, battered worm-eaten Latin work greeted
+my eyes! Without loss of time I retraced my steps. Just when I was about
+to replace the book I heard a noise in the corridor outside, and the
+sound of footsteps approaching. Fumblingly I hastened to complete what
+I was about, but the tiresome book had become so tightly wedged into
+its row that, on being pulled out, it caused its fellows to close up too
+compactly to leave any place for their comrade. To insert the book was
+beyond my strength; yet still I kept pushing and pushing at the row. At
+last the rusty nail which supported the shelf (the thing seemed to have
+been waiting on purpose for that moment!) broke off short; with the
+result that the shelf descended with a crash, and the books piled
+themselves in a heap on the floor! Then the door of the room opened, and
+Pokrovski entered!
+
+I must here remark that he never could bear to have his possessions
+tampered with. Woe to the person, in particular, who touched his books!
+Judge, therefore, of my horror when books small and great, books of
+every possible shape and size and thickness, came tumbling from the
+shelf, and flew and sprang over the table, and under the chairs, and
+about the whole room. I would have turned and fled, but it was too late.
+"All is over!" thought I. "All is over! I am ruined, I am undone! Here
+have I been playing the fool like a ten-year-old child! What a stupid
+girl I am! The monstrous fool!"
+
+Indeed, Pokrovski was very angry. "What? Have you not done enough?" he
+cried. "Are you not ashamed to be for ever indulging in such pranks? Are
+you NEVER going to grow sensible?" With that he darted forward to pick
+up the books, while I bent down to help him.
+
+"You need not, you need not!" he went on. "You would have done far
+better not to have entered without an invitation."
+
+Next, a little mollified by my humble demeanour, he resumed in his usual
+tutorial tone--the tone which he had adopted in his new-found role of
+preceptor:
+
+"When are you going to grow steadier and more thoughtful? Consider
+yourself for a moment. You are no longer a child, a little girl, but a
+maiden of fifteen."
+
+Then, with a desire (probably) to satisfy himself that I was no longer a
+being of tender years, he threw me a glance--but straightway reddened to
+his very ears. This I could not understand, but stood gazing at him in
+astonishment. Presently, he straightened himself a little, approached
+me with a sort of confused expression, and haltingly said
+something--probably it was an apology for not having before perceived
+that I was now a grown-up young person. But the next moment I
+understood. What I did I hardly know, save that, in my dismay and
+confusion, I blushed even more hotly than he had done and, covering my
+face with my hands, rushed from the room.
+
+What to do with myself for shame I could not think. The one thought in
+my head was that he had surprised me in his room. For three whole days
+I found myself unable to raise my eyes to his, but blushed always to
+the point of weeping. The strangest and most confused of thoughts kept
+entering my brain. One of them--the most extravagant--was that I should
+dearly like to go to Pokrovski, and to explain to him the situation, and
+to make full confession, and to tell him everything without concealment,
+and to assure him that I had not acted foolishly as a minx, but honestly
+and of set purpose. In fact, I DID make up my mind to take this course,
+but lacked the necessary courage to do it. If I had done so, what a
+figure I should have cut! Even now I am ashamed to think of it.
+
+A few days later, my mother suddenly fell dangerously ill. For two
+days past she had not left her bed, while during the third night of her
+illness she became seized with fever and delirium. I also had not closed
+my eyes during the previous night, but now waited upon my mother, sat by
+her bed, brought her drink at intervals, and gave her medicine at duly
+appointed hours. The next night I suffered terribly. Every now and then
+sleep would cause me to nod, and objects grow dim before my eyes. Also,
+my head was turning dizzy, and I could have fainted for very weariness.
+Yet always my mother's feeble moans recalled me to myself as I started,
+momentarily awoke, and then again felt drowsiness overcoming me. What
+torture it was! I do not know, I cannot clearly remember, but I think
+that, during a moment when wakefulness was thus contending with slumber,
+a strange dream, a horrible vision, visited my overwrought brain, and
+I awoke in terror. The room was nearly in darkness, for the candle was
+flickering, and throwing stray beams of light which suddenly illuminated
+the room, danced for a moment on the walls, and then disappeared.
+Somehow I felt afraid--a sort of horror had come upon me--my imagination
+had been over-excited by the evil dream which I had experienced, and a
+feeling of oppression was crushing my heart.... I leapt from the chair,
+and involuntarily uttered a cry--a cry wrung from me by the terrible,
+torturing sensation that was upon me. Presently the door opened, and
+Pokrovski entered.
+
+I remember that I was in his arms when I recovered my senses. Carefully
+seating me on a bench, he handed me a glass of water, and then asked me
+a few questions--though how I answered them I do not know. "You yourself
+are ill," he said as he took my hand. "You yourself are VERY ill. You
+are feverish, and I can see that you are knocking yourself out through
+your neglect of your own health. Take a little rest. Lie down and go to
+sleep. Yes, lie down, lie down," he continued without giving me time to
+protest. Indeed, fatigue had so exhausted my strength that my eyes
+were closing from very weakness. So I lay down on the bench with the
+intention of sleeping for half an hour only; but, I slept till morning.
+Pokrovski then awoke me, saying that it was time for me to go and give
+my mother her medicine.
+
+When the next evening, about eight o'clock, I had rested a little and
+was preparing to spend the night in a chair beside my mother (fixedly
+meaning not to go to sleep this time), Pokrovski suddenly knocked at
+the door. I opened it, and he informed me that, since, possibly, I
+might find the time wearisome, he had brought me a few books to read. I
+accepted the books, but do not, even now, know what books they were, nor
+whether I looked into them, despite the fact that I never closed my eyes
+the whole night long. The truth was that a strange feeling of excitement
+was preventing me from sleeping, and I could not rest long in any one
+spot, but had to keep rising from my chair, and walking about the
+room. Throughout my whole being there seemed to be diffused a kind of
+elation--of elation at Pokrovski's attentions, at the thought that he
+was anxious and uneasy about me. Until dawn I pondered and dreamed; and
+though I felt sure Pokrovski would not again visit us that night, I gave
+myself up to fancies concerning what he might do the following evening.
+
+That evening, when everyone else in the house had retired to rest,
+Pokrovski opened his door, and opened a conversation from the threshold
+of his room. Although, at this distance of time, I cannot remember a
+word of what we said to one another, I remember that I blushed, grew
+confused, felt vexed with myself, and awaited with impatience the end of
+the conversation although I myself had been longing for the meeting
+to take place, and had spent the day in dreaming of it, and devising
+a string of suitable questions and replies. Yes, that evening saw the
+first strand in our friendship knitted; and each subsequent night of
+my mother's illness we spent several hours together. Little by little I
+overcame his reserve, but found that each of these conversations left me
+filled with a sense of vexation at myself. At the same time, I could see
+with secret joy and a sense of proud elation that I was leading him to
+forget his tiresome books. At last the conversation turned jestingly
+upon the upsetting of the shelf. The moment was a peculiar one, for it
+came upon me just when I was in the right mood for self-revelation and
+candour. In my ardour, my curious phase of exaltation, I found myself
+led to make a full confession of the fact that I had become wishful to
+learn, to KNOW, something, since I had felt hurt at being taken for a
+chit, a mere baby.... I repeat that that night I was in a very strange
+frame of mind. My heart was inclined to be tender, and there were
+tears standing in my eyes. Nothing did I conceal as I told him about
+my friendship for him, about my desire to love him, about my scheme
+for living in sympathy with him and comforting him, and making his
+life easier. In return he threw me a look of confusion mingled with
+astonishment, and said nothing. Then suddenly I began to feel terribly
+pained and disappointed, for I conceived that he had failed to
+understand me, or even that he might be laughing at me. Bursting into
+tears like a child, I sobbed, and could not stop myself, for I had
+fallen into a kind of fit; whereupon he seized my hand, kissed it, and
+clasped it to his breast--saying various things, meanwhile, to comfort
+me, for he was labouring under a strong emotion. Exactly what he said
+I do not remember--I merely wept and laughed by turns, and blushed, and
+found myself unable to speak a word for joy. Yet, for all my agitation,
+I noticed that about him there still lingered an air of constraint
+and uneasiness. Evidently, he was lost in wonder at my enthusiasm and
+raptures--at my curiously ardent, unexpected, consuming friendship. It
+may be that at first he was amazed, but that afterwards he accepted my
+devotion and words of invitation and expressions of interest with the
+same simple frankness as I had offered them, and responded to them
+with an interest, a friendliness, a devotion equal to my own, even as a
+friend or a brother would do. How happy, how warm was the feeling in my
+heart! Nothing had I concealed or repressed. No, I had bared all to his
+sight, and each day would see him draw nearer to me.
+
+Truly I could not say what we did not talk about during those painful,
+yet rapturous, hours when, by the trembling light of a lamp, and almost
+at the very bedside of my poor sick mother, we kept midnight tryst.
+Whatsoever first came into our heads we spoke of--whatsoever came riven
+from our hearts, whatsoever seemed to call for utterance, found voice.
+And almost always we were happy. What a grievous, yet joyous, period it
+was--a period grievous and joyous at the same time! To this day it both
+hurts and delights me to recall it. Joyous or bitter though it was, its
+memories are yet painful. At least they seem so to me, though a certain
+sweetness assuaged the pain. So, whenever I am feeling heartsick and
+oppressed and jaded and sad those memories return to freshen and revive
+me, even as drops of evening dew return to freshen and revive, after a
+sultry day, the poor faded flower which has long been drooping in the
+noontide heat.
+
+My mother grew better, but still I continued to spend the nights on
+a chair by her bedside. Often, too, Pokrovski would give me books. At
+first I read them merely so as to avoid going to sleep, but afterwards I
+examined them with more attention, and subsequently with actual avidity,
+for they opened up to me a new, an unexpected, an unknown, an unfamiliar
+world. New thoughts, added to new impressions, would come pouring
+into my heart in a rich flood; and the more emotion, the more pain and
+labour, it cost me to assimilate these new impressions, the dearer did
+they become to me, and the more gratefully did they stir my soul to
+its very depths. Crowding into my heart without giving it time even to
+breathe, they would cause my whole being to become lost in a wondrous
+chaos. Yet this spiritual ferment was not sufficiently strong wholly to
+undo me. For that I was too fanciful, and the fact saved me.
+
+With the passing of my mother's illness the midnight meetings and
+long conversations between myself and Pokrovski came to an end. Only
+occasionally did we exchange a few words with one another--words, for
+the most part, that were of little purport or substance, yet words
+to which it delighted me to apportion their several meanings, their
+peculiar secret values. My life had now become full--I was happy; I was
+quietly, restfully happy. Thus did several weeks elapse....
+
+One day the elder Pokrovski came to see us, and chattered in a
+brisk, cheerful, garrulous sort of way. He laughed, launched out into
+witticisms, and, finally, resolved the riddle of his transports by
+informing us that in a week's time it would be his Petinka's birthday,
+when, in honour of the occasion, he (the father) meant to don a new
+jacket (as well as new shoes which his wife was going to buy for him),
+and to come and pay a visit to his son. In short, the old man was
+perfectly happy, and gossiped about whatsoever first entered his head.
+
+My lover's birthday! Thenceforward, I could not rest by night or day.
+Whatever might happen, it was my fixed intention to remind Pokrovski
+of our friendship by giving him a present. But what sort of present?
+Finally, I decided to give him books. I knew that he had long wanted to
+possess a complete set of Pushkin's works, in the latest edition; so,
+I decided to buy Pushkin. My private fund consisted of thirty roubles,
+earned by handiwork, and designed eventually to procure me a new dress,
+but at once I dispatched our cook, old Matrena, to ascertain the price
+of such an edition. Horrors! The price of the eleven volumes, added to
+extra outlay upon the binding, would amount to at least SIXTY roubles!
+Where was the money to come from? I thought and thought, yet could not
+decide. I did not like to resort to my mother. Of course she would help
+me, but in that case every one in the house would become aware of my
+gift, and the gift itself would assume the guise of a recompense--of
+payment for Pokrovski's labours on my behalf during the past year;
+whereas, I wished to present the gift ALONE, and without the knowledge
+of anyone. For the trouble that he had taken with me I wished to be his
+perpetual debtor--to make him no payment at all save my friendship. At
+length, I thought of a way out of the difficulty.
+
+I knew that of the hucksters in the Gostinni Dvor one could sometimes
+buy a book--even one that had been little used and was almost entirely
+new--for a half of its price, provided that one haggled sufficiently
+over it; wherefore I determined to repair thither. It so happened that,
+next day, both Anna Thedorovna and ourselves were in want of sundry
+articles; and since my mother was unwell and Anna lazy, the execution of
+the commissions devolved upon me, and I set forth with Matrena.
+
+Luckily, I soon chanced upon a set of Pushkin, handsomely bound, and
+set myself to bargain for it. At first more was demanded than would have
+been asked of me in a shop; but afterwards--though not without a great
+deal of trouble on my part, and several feints at departing--I induced
+the dealer to lower his price, and to limit his demands to ten roubles
+in silver. How I rejoiced that I had engaged in this bargaining! Poor
+Matrena could not imagine what had come to me, nor why I so desired to
+buy books. But, oh horror of horrors! As soon as ever the dealer caught
+sight of my capital of thirty roubles in notes, he refused to let the
+Pushkin go for less than the sum he had first named; and though, in
+answer to my prayers and protestations, he eventually yielded a little,
+he did so only to the tune of two-and-a-half roubles more than I
+possessed, while swearing that he was making the concession for my sake
+alone, since I was "a sweet young lady," and that he would have done so
+for no one else in the world. To think that only two-and-a-half roubles
+should still be wanting! I could have wept with vexation. Suddenly an
+unlooked-for circumstance occurred to help me in my distress.
+
+Not far away, near another table that was heaped with books, I perceived
+the elder Pokrovski, and a crowd of four or five hucksters plaguing him
+nearly out of his senses. Each of these fellows was proffering the old
+man his own particular wares; and while there was nothing that they did
+not submit for his approval, there was nothing that he wished to buy.
+The poor old fellow had the air of a man who is receiving a thrashing.
+What to make of what he was being offered him he did not know.
+Approaching him, I inquired what he happened to be doing there; whereat
+the old man was delighted, since he liked me (it may be) no less than he
+did Petinka.
+
+"I am buying some books, Barbara Alexievna," said he, "I am buying them
+for my Petinka. It will be his birthday soon, and since he likes books I
+thought I would get him some."
+
+The old man always expressed himself in a very roundabout sort of
+fashion, and on the present occasion he was doubly, terribly confused.
+Of no matter what book he asked the price, it was sure to be one, two,
+or three roubles. The larger books he could not afford at all; he could
+only look at them wistfully, fumble their leaves with his finger, turn
+over the volumes in his hands, and then replace them. "No, no, that
+is too dear," he would mutter under his breath. "I must go and try
+somewhere else." Then again he would fall to examining copy-books,
+collections of poems, and almanacs of the cheaper order.
+
+"Why should you buy things like those?" I asked him. "They are such
+rubbish!"
+
+"No, no!" he replied. "See what nice books they are! Yes, they ARE nice
+books!" Yet these last words he uttered so lingeringly that I could see
+he was ready to weep with vexation at finding the better sorts of books
+so expensive. Already a little tear was trickling down his pale cheeks
+and red nose. I inquired whether he had much money on him; whereupon the
+poor old fellow pulled out his entire stock, wrapped in a piece of
+dirty newspaper, and consisting of a few small silver coins, with twenty
+kopecks in copper. At once I seized the lot, and, dragging him off to my
+huckster, said: "Look here. These eleven volumes of Pushkin are priced
+at thirty-two-and-a-half roubles, and I have only thirty roubles. Let
+us add to them these two-and-a-half roubles of yours, and buy the books
+together, and make them our joint gift." The old man was overjoyed, and
+pulled out his money en masse; whereupon the huckster loaded him with
+our common library. Stuffing it into his pockets, as well as filling
+both arms with it, he departed homewards with his prize, after giving me
+his word to bring me the books privately on the morrow.
+
+Next day the old man came to see his son, and sat with him, as usual,
+for about an hour; after which he visited ourselves, wearing on his face
+the most comical, the most mysterious expression conceivable. Smiling
+broadly with satisfaction at the thought that he was the possessor of a
+secret, he informed me that he had stealthily brought the books to our
+rooms, and hidden them in a corner of the kitchen, under Matrena's care.
+Next, by a natural transition, the conversation passed to the coming
+fete-day; whereupon, the old man proceeded to hold forth extensively
+on the subject of gifts. The further he delved into his thesis, and the
+more he expounded it, the clearer could I see that on his mind there was
+something which he could not, dared not, divulge. So I waited and kept
+silent. The mysterious exaltation, the repressed satisfaction which I
+had hitherto discerned in his antics and grimaces and left-eyed winks
+gradually disappeared, and he began to grow momentarily more anxious and
+uneasy. At length he could contain himself no longer.
+
+"Listen, Barbara Alexievna," he said timidly. "Listen to what I have got
+to say to you. When his birthday is come, do you take TEN of the books,
+and give them to him yourself--that is, FOR yourself, as being YOUR
+share of the gift. Then I will take the eleventh book, and give it to
+him MYSELF, as being my gift. If we do that, you will have a present for
+him and I shall have one--both of us alike."
+
+"Why do you not want us to present our gifts together, Zachar
+Petrovitch?" I asked him.
+
+"Oh, very well," he replied. "Very well, Barbara Alexievna. Only--only,
+I thought that--"
+
+The old man broke off in confusion, while his face flushed with the
+exertion of thus expressing himself. For a moment or two he sat glued to
+his seat.
+
+"You see," he went on, "I play the fool too much. I am forever playing
+the fool, and cannot help myself, though I know that it is wrong to do
+so. At home it is often cold, and sometimes there are other troubles
+as well, and it all makes me depressed. Well, whenever that happens, I
+indulge a little, and occasionally drink too much. Now, Petinka does not
+like that; he loses his temper about it, Barbara Alexievna, and scolds
+me, and reads me lectures. So I want by my gift to show him that I am
+mending my ways, and beginning to conduct myself better. For a long time
+past, I have been saving up to buy him a book--yes, for a long time past
+I have been saving up for it, since it is seldom that I have any
+money, unless Petinka happens to give me some. He knows that, and,
+consequently, as soon as ever he perceives the use to which I have put
+his money, he will understand that it is for his sake alone that I have
+acted."
+
+My heart ached for the old man. Seeing him looking at me with such
+anxiety, I made up my mind without delay.
+
+"I tell you what," I said. "Do you give him all the books."
+
+"ALL?" he ejaculated. "ALL the books?"
+
+"Yes, all of them."
+
+"As my own gift?" "Yes, as your own gift."
+
+"As my gift alone?"
+
+"Yes, as your gift alone."
+
+Surely I had spoken clearly enough, yet the old man seemed hardly to
+understand me.
+
+"Well," said he after reflection, "that certainly would be
+splendid--certainly it would be most splendid. But what about yourself,
+Barbara Alexievna?"
+
+"Oh, I shall give your son nothing."
+
+"What?" he cried in dismay. "Are you going to give Petinka nothing--do
+you WISH to give him nothing?" So put about was the old fellow with what
+I had said, that he seemed almost ready to renounce his own proposal
+if only I would give his son something. What a kind heart he had! I
+hastened to assure him that I should certainly have a gift of some sort
+ready, since my one wish was to avoid spoiling his pleasure.
+
+"Provided that your son is pleased," I added, "and that you are pleased,
+I shall be equally pleased, for in my secret heart I shall feel as
+though I had presented the gift."
+
+This fully reassured the old man. He stopped with us another couple of
+hours, yet could not sit still for a moment, but kept jumping up from
+his seat, laughing, cracking jokes with Sasha, bestowing stealthy kisses
+upon myself, pinching my hands, and making silent grimaces at Anna
+Thedorovna. At length, she turned him out of the house. In short, his
+transports of joy exceeded anything that I had yet beheld.
+
+On the festal day he arrived exactly at eleven o'clock, direct from
+Mass. He was dressed in a carefully mended frockcoat, a new waistcoat,
+and a pair of new shoes, while in his arms he carried our pile of
+books. Next we all sat down to coffee (the day being Sunday) in Anna
+Thedorovna's parlour. The old man led off the meal by saying
+that Pushkin was a magnificent poet. Thereafter, with a return to
+shamefacedness and confusion, he passed suddenly to the statement that
+a man ought to conduct himself properly; that, should he not do so, it
+might be taken as a sign that he was in some way overindulging himself;
+and that evil tendencies of this sort led to the man's ruin and
+degradation. Then the orator sketched for our benefit some terrible
+instances of such incontinence, and concluded by informing us that for
+some time past he had been mending his own ways, and conducting himself
+in exemplary fashion, for the reason that he had perceived the justice
+of his son's precepts, and had laid them to heart so well that he, the
+father, had really changed for the better: in proof whereof, he now
+begged to present to the said son some books for which he had long been
+setting aside his savings.
+
+As I listened to the old man I could not help laughing and crying in
+a breath. Certainly he knew how to lie when the occasion required! The
+books were transferred to his son's room, and arranged upon a shelf,
+where Pokrovski at once guessed the truth about them. Then the old man
+was invited to dinner and we all spent a merry day together at cards and
+forfeits. Sasha was full of life, and I rivalled her, while Pokrovski
+paid me numerous attentions, and kept seeking an occasion to speak to me
+alone. But to allow this to happen I refused. Yes, taken all in all, it
+was the happiest day that I had known for four years.
+
+But now only grievous, painful memories come to my recollection, for I
+must enter upon the story of my darker experiences. It may be that that
+is why my pen begins to move more slowly, and seems as though it were
+going altogether to refuse to write. The same reason may account for my
+having undertaken so lovingly and enthusiastically a recounting of even
+the smallest details of my younger, happier days. But alas! those days
+did not last long, and were succeeded by a period of black sorrow which
+will close only God knows when!
+
+My misfortunes began with the illness and death of Pokrovski, who was
+taken worse two months after what I have last recorded in these memoirs.
+During those two months he worked hard to procure himself a livelihood
+since hitherto he had had no assured position. Like all consumptives, he
+never--not even up to his last moment--altogether abandoned the hope of
+being able to enjoy a long life. A post as tutor fell in his way, but he
+had never liked the profession; while for him to become a civil servant
+was out of the question, owing to his weak state of health. Moreover, in
+the latter capacity he would have had to have waited a long time for his
+first instalment of salary. Again, he always looked at the darker side
+of things, for his character was gradually being warped, and his health
+undermined by his illness, though he never noticed it. Then autumn came
+on, and daily he went out to business--that is to say, to apply for and
+to canvass for posts--clad only in a light jacket; with the result that,
+after repeated soakings with rain, he had to take to his bed, and
+never again left it. He died in mid-autumn at the close of the month of
+October.
+
+Throughout his illness I scarcely ever left his room, but waited on him
+hand and foot. Often he could not sleep for several nights at a time.
+Often, too, he was unconscious, or else in a delirium; and at such times
+he would talk of all sorts of things--of his work, of his books, of his
+father, of myself. At such times I learned much which I had not hitherto
+known or divined about his affairs. During the early part of his illness
+everyone in the house looked askance at me, and Anna Thedorovna would
+nod her head in a meaning manner; but, I always looked them straight in
+the face, and gradually they ceased to take any notice of my concern for
+Pokrovski. At all events my mother ceased to trouble her head about it.
+
+Sometimes Pokrovski would know who I was, but not often, for more
+usually he was unconscious. Sometimes, too, he would talk all night with
+some unknown person, in dim, mysterious language that caused his gasping
+voice to echo hoarsely through the narrow room as through a sepulchre;
+and at such times, I found the situation a strange one. During his last
+night he was especially lightheaded, for then he was in terrible agony,
+and kept rambling in his speech until my soul was torn with pity.
+Everyone in the house was alarmed, and Anna Thedorovna fell to praying
+that God might soon take him. When the doctor had been summoned, the
+verdict was that the patient would die with the morning.
+
+That night the elder Pokrovski spent in the corridor, at the door of his
+son's room. Though given a mattress to lie upon, he spent his time in
+running in and out of the apartment. So broken with grief was he that
+he presented a dreadful spectacle, and appeared to have lost both
+perception and feeling. His head trembled with agony, and his body
+quivered from head to foot as at times he murmured to himself something
+which he appeared to be debating. Every moment I expected to see him go
+out of his mind. Just before dawn he succumbed to the stress of mental
+agony, and fell asleep on his mattress like a man who has been beaten;
+but by eight o'clock the son was at the point of death, and I ran to
+wake the father. The dying man was quite conscious, and bid us all
+farewell. Somehow I could not weep, though my heart seemed to be
+breaking.
+
+The last moments were the most harassing and heartbreaking of all. For
+some time past Pokrovski had been asking for something with his failing
+tongue, but I had been unable to distinguish his words. Yet my heart had
+been bursting with grief. Then for an hour he had lain quieter, except
+that he had looked sadly in my direction, and striven to make some sign
+with his death-cold hands. At last he again essayed his piteous request
+in a hoarse, deep voice, but the words issued in so many inarticulate
+sounds, and once more I failed to divine his meaning. By turns I brought
+each member of the household to his bedside, and gave him something to
+drink, but he only shook his head sorrowfully. Finally, I understood
+what it was he wanted. He was asking me to draw aside the curtain from
+the window, and to open the casements. Probably he wished to take his
+last look at the daylight and the sun and all God's world. I pulled back
+the curtain, but the opening day was as dull and mournful--looking as
+though it had been the fast-flickering life of the poor invalid. Of
+sunshine there was none. Clouds overlaid the sky as with a shroud of
+mist, and everything looked sad, rainy, and threatening under a fine
+drizzle which was beating against the window-panes, and streaking their
+dull, dark surfaces with runlets of cold, dirty moisture. Only a scanty
+modicum of daylight entered to war with the trembling rays of the ikon
+lamp. The dying man threw me a wistful look, and nodded. The next moment
+he had passed away.
+
+The funeral was arranged for by Anna Thedorovna. A plain coffin was
+bought, and a broken-down hearse hired; while, as security for
+this outlay, she seized the dead man's books and other articles.
+Nevertheless, the old man disputed the books with her, and, raising an
+uproar, carried off as many of them as he could--stuffing his pockets
+full, and even filling his hat. Indeed, he spent the next three days
+with them thus, and refused to let them leave his sight even when it was
+time for him to go to church. Throughout he acted like a man bereft
+of sense and memory. With quaint assiduity he busied himself about the
+bier--now straightening the candlestick on the dead man's breast, now
+snuffing and lighting the other candles. Clearly his thoughts were
+powerless to remain long fixed on any subject. Neither my mother nor
+Anna Thedorovna were present at the requiem, for the former was ill
+and the latter was at loggerheads with the old man. Only myself and
+the father were there. During the service a sort of panic, a sort of
+premonition of the future, came over me, and I could hardly hold myself
+upright. At length the coffin had received its burden and was screwed
+down; after which the bearers placed it upon a bier, and set out. I
+accompanied the cortege only to the end of the street. Here the
+driver broke into a trot, and the old man started to run behind the
+hearse--sobbing loudly, but with the motion of his running ever and anon
+causing the sobs to quaver and become broken off. Next he lost his hat,
+the poor old fellow, yet would not stop to pick it up, even though the
+rain was beating upon his head, and a wind was rising and the sleet kept
+stinging and lashing his face. It seemed as though he were impervious
+to the cruel elements as he ran from one side of the hearse to the
+other--the skirts of his old greatcoat flapping about him like a pair
+of wings. From every pocket of the garment protruded books, while in his
+hand he carried a specially large volume, which he hugged closely to his
+breast. The passers-by uncovered their heads and crossed themselves as
+the cortege passed, and some of them, having done so, remained staring
+in amazement at the poor old man. Every now and then a book would slip
+from one of his pockets and fall into the mud; whereupon somebody,
+stopping him, would direct his attention to his loss, and he would stop,
+pick up the book, and again set off in pursuit of the hearse. At the
+corner of the street he was joined by a ragged old woman; until at
+length the hearse turned a corner, and became hidden from my eyes. Then
+I went home, and threw myself, in a transport of grief, upon my mother's
+breast--clasping her in my arms, kissing her amid a storm of sobs and
+tears, and clinging to her form as though in my embraces I were holding
+my last friend on earth, that I might preserve her from death. Yet
+already death was standing over her....
+
+
+
+
+June 11th
+
+How I thank you for our walk to the Islands yesterday, Makar
+Alexievitch! How fresh and pleasant, how full of verdure, was
+everything! And I had not seen anything green for such a long time!
+During my illness I used to think that I should never get better, that
+I was certainly going to die. Judge, then, how I felt yesterday! True,
+I may have seemed to you a little sad, and you must not be angry with me
+for that. Happy and light-hearted though I was, there were moments, even
+at the height of my felicity, when, for some unknown reason, depression
+came sweeping over my soul. I kept weeping about trifles, yet could not
+say why I was grieved. The truth is that I am unwell--so much so, that
+I look at everything from the gloomy point of view. The pale, clear sky,
+the setting sun, the evening stillness--ah, somehow I felt disposed
+to grieve and feel hurt at these things; my heart seemed to be
+over-charged, and to be calling for tears to relieve it. But why should
+I write this to you? It is difficult for my heart to express itself;
+still more difficult for it to forego self-expression. Yet possibly
+you may understand me. Tears and laughter!... How good you are, Makar
+Alexievitch! Yesterday you looked into my eyes as though you could
+read in them all that I was feeling--as though you were rejoicing at my
+happiness. Whether it were a group of shrubs or an alleyway or a vista
+of water that we were passing, you would halt before me, and stand
+gazing at my face as though you were showing me possessions of your own.
+It told me how kind is your nature, and I love you for it. Today I am
+again unwell, for yesterday I wetted my feet, and took a chill. Thedora
+also is unwell; both of us are ailing. Do not forget me. Come and see me
+as often as you can.--Your own,
+
+BARBARA ALEXIEVNA.
+
+
+
+
+June 12th.
+
+MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA--I had supposed that you meant to describe
+our doings of the other day in verse; yet from you there has arrived
+only a single sheet of writing. Nevertheless, I must say that, little
+though you have put into your letter, that little is not expressed with
+rare beauty and grace. Nature, your descriptions of rural scenes, your
+analysis of your own feelings--the whole is beautifully written. Alas,
+I have no such talent! Though I may fill a score of pages, nothing comes
+of it--I might as well never have put pen to paper. Yes, this I know
+from experience.
+
+You say, my darling, that I am kind and good, that I could not harm
+my fellow-men, that I have power to comprehend the goodness of God
+(as expressed in nature's handiwork), and so on. It may all be so, my
+dearest one--it may all be exactly as you say. Indeed, I think that you
+are right. But if so, the reason is that when one reads such a letter
+as you have just sent me, one's heart involuntarily softens, and
+affords entrance to thoughts of a graver and weightier order. Listen, my
+darling; I have something to tell you, my beloved one.
+
+I will begin from the time when I was seventeen years old and first
+entered the service--though I shall soon have completed my thirtieth
+year of official activity. I may say that at first I was much pleased
+with my new uniform; and, as I grew older, I grew in mind, and fell
+to studying my fellow-men. Likewise I may say that I lived an upright
+life--so much so that at last I incurred persecution. This you may not
+believe, but it is true. To think that men so cruel should exist! For
+though, dearest one, I am dull and of no account, I have feelings like
+everyone else. Consequently, would you believe it, Barbara, when I
+tell you what these cruel fellows did to me? I feel ashamed to tell
+it you--and all because I was of a quiet, peaceful, good-natured
+disposition!
+
+Things began with "this or that, Makar Alexievitch, is your fault."
+Then it went on to "I need hardly say that the fault is wholly Makar
+Alexievitch's." Finally it became "OF COURSE Makar Alexievitch is to
+blame." Do you see the sequence of things, my darling? Every mistake
+was attributed to me, until "Makar Alexievitch" became a byword in our
+department. Also, while making of me a proverb, these fellows could not
+give me a smile or a civil word. They found fault with my boots, with
+my uniform, with my hair, with my figure. None of these things were to
+their taste: everything had to be changed. And so it has been from
+that day to this. True, I have now grown used to it, for I can
+grow accustomed to anything (being, as you know, a man of peaceable
+disposition, like all men of small stature)--yet why should these things
+be? Whom have I harmed? Whom have I ever supplanted? Whom have I ever
+traduced to his superiors? No, the fault is that more than once I have
+asked for an increase of salary. But have I ever CABALLED for it? No,
+you would be wrong in thinking so, my dearest one. HOW could I ever
+have done so? You yourself have had many opportunities of seeing how
+incapable I am of deceit or chicanery.
+
+Why then, should this have fallen to my lot?... However, since you think
+me worthy of respect, my darling, I do not care, for you are far and
+away the best person in the world.... What do you consider to be the
+greatest social virtue? In private conversation Evstafi Ivanovitch once
+told me that the greatest social virtue might be considered to be an
+ability to get money to spend. Also, my comrades used jestingly (yes,
+I know only jestingly) to propound the ethical maxim that a man ought
+never to let himself become a burden upon anyone. Well, I am a burden
+upon no one. It is my own crust of bread that I eat; and though that
+crust is but a poor one, and sometimes actually a maggoty one, it has
+at least been EARNED, and therefore, is being put to a right and lawful
+use. What therefore, ought I to do? I know that I can earn but little by
+my labours as a copyist; yet even of that little I am proud, for it has
+entailed WORK, and has wrung sweat from my brow. What harm is there in
+being a copyist? "He is only an amanuensis," people say of me. But what
+is there so disgraceful in that? My writing is at least legible, neat,
+and pleasant to look upon--and his Excellency is satisfied with it.
+Indeed, I transcribe many important documents. At the same time, I know
+that my writing lacks STYLE, which is why I have never risen in the
+service. Even to you, my dear one, I write simply and without tricks,
+but just as a thought may happen to enter my head. Yes, I know all this;
+but if everyone were to become a fine writer, who would there be left to
+act as copyists?... Whatsoever questions I may put to you in my letters,
+dearest, I pray you to answer them. I am sure that you need me, that I
+can be of use to you; and, since that is so, I must not allow myself
+to be distracted by any trifle. Even if I be likened to a rat, I do not
+care, provided that that particular rat be wanted by you, and be of use
+in the world, and be retained in its position, and receive its reward.
+But what a rat it is!
+
+Enough of this, dearest one. I ought not to have spoken of it, but I
+lost my temper. Still, it is pleasant to speak the truth sometimes.
+Goodbye, my own, my darling, my sweet little comforter! I will come to
+you soon--yes, I will certainly come to you. Until I do so, do not fret
+yourself. With me I shall be bringing a book. Once more goodbye.--Your
+heartfelt well-wisher,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+June 20th.
+
+MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH--I am writing to you post-haste--I am
+hurrying my utmost to get my work finished in time. What do you suppose
+is the reason for this? It is because an opportunity has occurred for
+you to make a splendid purchase. Thedora tells me that a retired civil
+servant of her acquaintance has a uniform to sell--one cut to regulation
+pattern and in good repair, as well as likely to go very cheap. Now, DO
+not tell me that you have not got the money, for I know from your own
+lips that you HAVE. Use that money, I pray you, and do not hoard it. See
+what terrible garments you walk about in! They are shameful--they are
+patched all over! In fact, you have nothing new whatever. That this is
+so, I know for certain, and I care not WHAT you tell me about it. So
+listen to me for once, and buy this uniform. Do it for MY sake. Do it to
+show that you really love me.
+
+You have sent me some linen as a gift. But listen to me, Makar
+Alexievitch. You are simply ruining yourself. Is it a jest that you
+should spend so much money, such a terrible amount of money, upon me?
+How you love to play the spendthrift! I tell you that I do not need it,
+that such expenditure is unnecessary. I know, I am CERTAIN, that you
+love me--therefore, it is useless to remind me of the fact with gifts.
+Nor do I like receiving them, since I know how much they must have cost
+you. No--put your money to a better use. I beg, I beseech of you, to
+do so. Also, you ask me to send you a continuation of my memoirs--to
+conclude them. But I know not how I contrived even to write as much of
+them as I did; and now I have not the strength to write further of my
+past, nor the desire to give it a single thought. Such recollections are
+terrible to me. Most difficult of all is it for me to speak of my poor
+mother, who left her destitute daughter a prey to villains. My heart
+runs blood whenever I think of it; it is so fresh in my memory that
+I cannot dismiss it from my thoughts, nor rest for its insistence,
+although a year has now elapsed since the events took place. But all
+this you know.
+
+Also, I have told you what Anna Thedorovna is now intending. She accuses
+me of ingratitude, and denies the accusations made against herself with
+regard to Monsieur Bwikov. Also, she keeps sending for me, and telling
+me that I have taken to evil courses, but that if I will return to her,
+she will smooth over matters with Bwikov, and force him to confess his
+fault. Also, she says that he desires to give me a dowry. Away with them
+all! I am quite happy here with you and good Thedora, whose devotion to
+me reminds me of my old nurse, long since dead. Distant kinsman though
+you may be, I pray you always to defend my honour. Other people I do
+not wish to know, and would gladly forget if I could.... What are they
+wanting with me now? Thedora declares it all to be a trick, and says
+that in time they will leave me alone. God grant it be so!
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+June 21st.
+
+MY OWN, MY DARLING,--I wish to write to you, yet know not where to
+begin. Things are as strange as though we were actually living together.
+Also I would add that never in my life have I passed such happy days as
+I am spending at present. 'Tis as though God had blessed me with a home
+and a family of my own! Yes, you are my little daughter, beloved. But
+why mention the four sorry roubles that I sent you? You needed them;
+I know that from Thedora herself, and it will always be a particular
+pleasure to me to gratify you in anything. It will always be my one
+happiness in life. Pray, therefore, leave me that happiness, and do
+not seek to cross me in it. Things are not as you suppose. I have now
+reached the sunshine since, in the first place, I am living so close to
+you as almost to be with you (which is a great consolation to my mind),
+while, in the second place, a neighbour of mine named Rataziaev (the
+retired official who gives the literary parties) has today invited me
+to tea. This evening, therefore, there will be a gathering at which we
+shall discuss literature! Think of that my darling! Well, goodbye now.
+I have written this without any definite aim in my mind, but solely to
+assure you of my welfare. Through Theresa I have received your message
+that you need an embroidered cloak to wear, so I will go and purchase
+one. Yes, tomorrow I mean to purchase that embroidered cloak, and so
+give myself the pleasure of having satisfied one of your wants. I know
+where to go for such a garment. For the time being I remain your sincere
+friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+June 22nd.
+
+MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I have to tell you that a sad event
+has happened in this house--an event to excite one's utmost pity.
+This morning, about five o'clock, one of Gorshkov's children died of
+scarlatina, or something of the kind. I have been to pay the parents
+a visit of condolence, and found them living in the direst poverty and
+disorder. Nor is that surprising, seeing that the family lives in a
+single room, with only a screen to divide it for decency's sake. Already
+the coffin was standing in their midst--a plain but decent shell which
+had been bought ready-made. The child, they told me, had been a boy of
+nine, and full of promise. What a pitiful spectacle! Though not weeping,
+the mother, poor woman, looked broken with grief. After all, to have one
+burden the less on their shoulders may prove a relief, though there are
+still two children left--a babe at the breast and a little girl of six!
+How painful to see these suffering children, and to be unable to help
+them! The father, clad in an old, dirty frockcoat, was seated on a
+dilapidated chair. Down his cheeks there were coursing tears--though
+less through grief than owing to a long-standing affliction of the eyes.
+He was so thin, too! Always he reddens in the face when he is addressed,
+and becomes too confused to answer. A little girl, his daughter, was
+leaning against the coffin--her face looking so worn and thoughtful,
+poor mite! Do you know, I cannot bear to see a child look thoughtful.
+On the floor there lay a rag doll, but she was not playing with it as,
+motionless, she stood there with her finger to her lips. Even a bon-bon
+which the landlady had given her she was not eating. Is it not all sad,
+sad, Barbara?
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+June 25th.
+
+MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH--I return you your book. In my opinion it
+is a worthless one, and I would rather not have it in my possession.
+Why do you save up your money to buy such trash? Except in jest, do
+such books really please you? However, you have now promised to send me
+something else to read. I will share the cost of it. Now, farewell until
+we meet again. I have nothing more to say.
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+June 26th.
+
+MY DEAR LITTLE BARBARA--To tell you the truth, I myself have not read
+the book of which you speak. That is to say, though I began to read it,
+I soon saw that it was nonsense, and written only to make people laugh.
+"However," thought I, "it is at least a CHEERFUL work, and so may please
+Barbara." That is why I sent it you.
+
+Rataziaev has now promised to give me something really literary to read;
+so you shall soon have your book, my darling. He is a man who reflects;
+he is a clever fellow, as well as himself a writer--such a writer! His
+pen glides along with ease, and in such a style (even when he is writing
+the most ordinary, the most insignificant of articles) that I have often
+remarked upon the fact, both to Phaldoni and to Theresa. Often, too, I
+go to spend an evening with him. He reads aloud to us until five o'clock
+in the morning, and we listen to him. It is a revelation of things
+rather than a reading. It is charming, it is like a bouquet of
+flowers--there is a bouquet of flowers in every line of each page.
+Besides, he is such an approachable, courteous, kind-hearted fellow!
+What am I compared with him? Why, nothing, simply nothing! He is a
+man of reputation, whereas I--well, I do not exist at all. Yet he
+condescends to my level. At this very moment I am copying out a
+document for him. But you must not think that he finds any DIFFICULTY in
+condescending to me, who am only a copyist. No, you must not believe the
+base gossip that you may hear. I do copying work for him simply in order
+to please myself, as well as that he may notice me--a thing that always
+gives me pleasure. I appreciate the delicacy of his position. He is a
+good--a very good--man, and an unapproachable writer.
+
+What a splendid thing is literature, Barbara--what a splendid thing!
+This I learnt before I had known Rataziaev even for three days. It
+strengthens and instructs the heart of man.... No matter what there be
+in the world, you will find it all written down in Rataziaev's works.
+And so well written down, too! Literature is a sort of picture--a sort
+of picture or mirror. It connotes at once passion, expression, fine
+criticism, good learning, and a document. Yes, I have learned this from
+Rataziaev himself. I can assure you, Barbara, that if only you could be
+sitting among us, and listening to the talk (while, with the rest of us,
+you smoked a pipe), and were to hear those present begin to argue
+and dispute concerning different matters, you would feel of as little
+account among them as I do; for I myself figure there only as a
+blockhead, and feel ashamed, since it takes me a whole evening to think
+of a single word to interpolate--and even then the word will not come!
+In a case like that a man regrets that, as the proverb has it, he should
+have reached man's estate but not man's understanding.... What do I
+do in my spare time? I sleep like a fool, though I would far rather be
+occupied with something else--say, with eating or writing, since the one
+is useful to oneself, and the other is beneficial to one's fellows. You
+should see how much money these fellows contrive to save! How much, for
+instance, does not Rataziaev lay by? A few days' writing, I am told, can
+earn him as much as three hundred roubles! Indeed, if a man be a writer
+of short stories or anything else that is interesting, he can sometimes
+pocket five hundred roubles, or a thousand, at a time! Think of it,
+Barbara! Rataziaev has by him a small manuscript of verses, and for it
+he is asking--what do you think? Seven thousand roubles! Why, one could
+buy a whole house for that sum! He has even refused five thousand for a
+manuscript, and on that occasion I reasoned with him, and advised him
+to accept the five thousand. But it was of no use. "For," said he, "they
+will soon offer me seven thousand," and kept to his point, for he is a
+man of some determination.
+
+Suppose, now, that I were to give you an extract from "Passion in Italy"
+(as another work of his is called). Read this, dearest Barbara, and
+judge for yourself:
+
+"Vladimir started, for in his veins the lust of passion had welled until
+it had reached boiling point.
+
+"'Countess,' he cried, 'do you know how terrible is this adoration of
+mine, how infinite this madness? No! My fancies have not deceived me--I
+love you ecstatically, diabolically, as a madman might! All the blood
+that is in your husband's body could never quench the furious,
+surging rapture that is in my soul! No puny obstacle could thwart the
+all-destroying, infernal flame which is eating into my exhausted breast!
+Oh Zinaida, my Zinaida!'
+
+"'Vladimir!' she whispered, almost beside herself, as she sank upon his
+bosom.
+
+"'My Zinaida!' cried the enraptured Smileski once more.
+
+"His breath was coming in sharp, broken pants. The lamp of love was
+burning brightly on the altar of passion, and searing the hearts of the
+two unfortunate sufferers.
+
+"'Vladimir!' again she whispered in her intoxication, while her bosom
+heaved, her cheeks glowed, and her eyes flashed fire.
+
+"Thus was a new and dread union consummated.
+
+"Half an hour later the aged Count entered his wife's boudoir.
+
+"'How now, my love?' said he. 'Surely it is for some welcome guest
+beyond the common that you have had the samovar [Tea-urn.] thus
+prepared?' And he smote her lightly on the cheek."
+
+What think you of THAT, Barbara? True, it is a little too
+outspoken--there can be no doubt of that; yet how grand it is, how
+splendid! With your permission I will also quote you an extract from
+Rataziaev's story, Ermak and Zuleika:
+
+"'You love me, Zuleika? Say again that you love me, you love me!'
+
+"'I DO love you, Ermak,' whispered Zuleika.
+
+"'Then by heaven and earth I thank you! By heaven and earth you have
+made me happy! You have given me all, all that my tortured soul has
+for immemorial years been seeking! 'Tis for this that you have led me
+hither, my guiding star--'tis for this that you have conducted me to
+the Girdle of Stone! To all the world will I now show my Zuleika, and
+no man, demon or monster of Hell, shall bid me nay! Oh, if men would but
+understand the mysterious passions of her tender heart, and see the poem
+which lurks in each of her little tears! Suffer me to dry those tears
+with my kisses! Suffer me to drink of those heavenly drops, Oh being who
+art not of this earth!'
+
+"'Ermak,' said Zuleika, 'the world is cruel, and men are unjust. But
+LET them drive us from their midst--let them judge us, my beloved Ermak!
+What has a poor maiden who was reared amid the snows of Siberia to do
+with their cold, icy, self-sufficient world? Men cannot understand me,
+my darling, my sweetheart.'
+
+"'Is that so? Then shall the sword of the Cossacks sing and whistle over
+their heads!' cried Ermak with a furious look in his eyes."
+
+What must Ermak have felt when he learnt that his Zuleika had been
+murdered, Barbara?--that, taking advantages of the cover of night, the
+blind old Kouchoum had, in Ermak's absence, broken into the latter's
+tent, and stabbed his own daughter in mistake for the man who had robbed
+him of sceptre and crown?
+
+"'Oh that I had a stone whereon to whet my sword!' cried Ermak in the
+madness of his wrath as he strove to sharpen his steel blade upon the
+enchanted rock. 'I would have his blood, his blood! I would tear him
+limb from limb, the villain!'"
+
+Then Ermak, unable to survive the loss of his Zuleika, throws himself
+into the Irtisch, and the tale comes to an end.
+
+Here, again, is another short extract--this time written in a more
+comical vein, to make people laugh:
+
+"Do you know Ivan Prokofievitch Zheltopuzh? He is the man who took a
+piece out of Prokofi Ivanovitch's leg. Ivan's character is one of the
+rugged order, and therefore, one that is rather lacking in virtue.
+Yet he has a passionate relish for radishes and honey. Once he also
+possessed a friend named Pelagea Antonovna. Do you know Pelagea
+Antonovna? She is the woman who always puts on her petticoat wrong side
+outwards."
+
+What humour, Barbara--what purest humour! We rocked with laughter when
+he read it aloud to us. Yes, that is the kind of man he is. Possibly the
+passage is a trifle over-frolicsome, but at least it is harmless, and
+contains no freethought or liberal ideas. In passing, I may say that
+Rataziaev is not only a supreme writer, but also a man of upright
+life--which is more than can be said for most writers.
+
+What, do you think, is an idea that sometimes enters my head? In fact,
+what if I myself were to write something? How if suddenly a book were
+to make its appearance in the world bearing the title of "The Poetical
+Works of Makar Dievushkin"? What THEN, my angel? How should you view,
+should you receive, such an event? I may say of myself that never, after
+my book had appeared, should I have the hardihood to show my face on
+the Nevski Prospect; for would it not be too dreadful to hear every
+one saying, "Here comes the literateur and poet, Dievushkin--yes, it is
+Dievushkin himself." What, in such a case, should I do with my feet (for
+I may tell you that almost always my shoes are patched, or have just
+been resoled, and therefore look anything but becoming)? To think that
+the great writer Dievushkin should walk about in patched footgear! If
+a duchess or a countess should recognise me, what would she say, poor
+woman? Perhaps, though, she would not notice my shoes at all, since
+it may reasonably be supposed that countesses do not greatly occupy
+themselves with footgear, especially with the footgear of civil service
+officials (footgear may differ from footgear, it must be remembered).
+Besides, I should find that the countess had heard all about me, for
+my friends would have betrayed me to her--Rataziaev among the first of
+them, seeing that he often goes to visit Countess V., and practically
+lives at her house. She is said to be a woman of great intellect and
+wit. An artful dog, that Rataziaev!
+
+But enough of this. I write this sort of thing both to amuse myself and
+to divert your thoughts. Goodbye now, my angel. This is a long epistle
+that I am sending you, but the reason is that today I feel in good
+spirits after dining at Rataziaev's. There I came across a novel which I
+hardly know how to describe to you. Do not think the worse of me on that
+account, even though I bring you another book instead (for I certainly
+mean to bring one). The novel in question was one of Paul de Kock's, and
+not a novel for you to read. No, no! Such a work is unfit for your
+eyes. In fact, it is said to have greatly offended the critics of St.
+Petersburg. Also, I am sending you a pound of bonbons--bought specially
+for yourself. Each time that you eat one, beloved, remember the sender.
+Only, do not bite the iced ones, but suck them gently, lest they make
+your teeth ache. Perhaps, too, you like comfits? Well, write and tell
+me if it is so. Goodbye, goodbye. Christ watch over you, my
+darling!--Always your faithful friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+June 27th.
+
+MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH--Thedora tells me that, should I wish,
+there are some people who will be glad to help me by obtaining me an
+excellent post as governess in a certain house. What think you, my
+friend? Shall I go or not? Of course, I should then cease to be a burden
+to you, and the post appears to be a comfortable one. On the other hand,
+the idea of entering a strange house appals me. The people in it are
+landed gentry, and they will begin to ask me questions, and to busy
+themselves about me. What answers shall I then return? You see, I am now
+so unused to society--so shy! I like to live in a corner to which I have
+long grown used. Yes, the place with which one is familiar is always the
+best. Even if for companion one has but sorrow, that place will still be
+the best.... God alone knows what duties the post will entail. Perhaps
+I shall merely be required to act as nursemaid; and in any case, I hear
+that the governess there has been changed three times in two years. For
+God's sake, Makar Alexievitch, advise me whether to go or not. Why do
+you never come near me now? Do let my eyes have an occasional sight of
+you. Mass on Sundays is almost the only time when we see one another.
+How retiring you have become! So also have I, even though, in a way, I
+am your kinswoman. You must have ceased to love me, Makar Alexievitch. I
+spend many a weary hour because of it. Sometimes, when dusk is falling,
+I find myself lonely--oh, so lonely! Thedora has gone out somewhere, and
+I sit here and think, and think, and think. I remember all the past, its
+joys and its sorrows. It passes before my eyes in detail, it glimmers at
+me as out of a mist; and as it does so, well-known faces appear, which
+seem actually to be present with me in this room! Most frequently of
+all, I see my mother. Ah, the dreams that come to me! I feel that my
+health is breaking, so weak am I. When this morning I arose, sickness
+took me until I vomited and vomited. Yes, I feel, I know, that death is
+approaching. Who will bury me when it has come? Who will visit my tomb?
+Who will sorrow for me? And now it is in a strange place, in the house
+of a stranger, that I may have to die! Yes, in a corner which I do not
+know!... My God, how sad a thing is life!... Why do you send me comfits
+to eat? Whence do you get the money to buy them? Ah, for God's sake keep
+the money, keep the money. Thedora has sold a carpet which I have made.
+She got fifty roubles for it, which is very good--I had expected less.
+Of the fifty roubles I shall give Thedora three, and with the remainder
+make myself a plain, warm dress. Also, I am going to make you a
+waistcoat--to make it myself, and out of good material.
+
+Also, Thedora has brought me a book--"The Stories of Bielkin"--which I
+will forward you, if you would care to read it. Only, do not soil it,
+nor yet retain it, for it does not belong to me. It is by Pushkin. Two
+years ago I read these stories with my mother, and it would hurt me
+to read them again. If you yourself have any books, pray let me have
+them--so long as they have not been obtained from Rataziaev. Probably he
+will be giving you one of his own works when he has had one printed.
+How is it that his compositions please you so much, Makar Alexievitch? I
+think them SUCH rubbish!
+
+--Now goodbye. How I have been chattering on! When feeling sad, I always
+like to talk of something, for it acts upon me like medicine--I begin
+to feel easier as soon as I have uttered what is preying upon my heart.
+Good bye, good-bye, my friend--Your own
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+June 28th.
+
+MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA--Away with melancholy! Really, beloved,
+you ought to be ashamed of yourself! How can you allow such thoughts to
+enter your head? Really and truly you are quite well; really and truly
+you are, my darling. Why, you are blooming--simply blooming. True, I see
+a certain touch of pallor in your face, but still you are blooming. A
+fig for dreams and visions! Yes, for shame, dearest! Drive away those
+fancies; try to despise them. Why do I sleep so well? Why am I never
+ailing? Look at ME, beloved. I live well, I sleep peacefully, I retain
+my health, I can ruffle it with my juniors. In fact, it is a pleasure
+to see me. Come, come, then, sweetheart! Let us have no more of this.
+I know that that little head of yours is capable of any fancy--that all
+too easily you take to dreaming and repining; but for my sake, cease to
+do so.
+
+Are you to go to these people, you ask me? Never! No, no, again no! How
+could you think of doing such a thing as taking a journey? I will not
+allow it--I intend to combat your intention with all my might. I will
+sell my frockcoat, and walk the streets in my shirt sleeves, rather than
+let you be in want. But no, Barbara. I know you, I know you. This is
+merely a trick, merely a trick. And probably Thedora alone is to
+blame for it. She appears to be a foolish old woman, and to be able to
+persuade you to do anything. Do not believe her, my dearest. I am sure
+that you know what is what, as well as SHE does. Eh, sweetheart? She is
+a stupid, quarrelsome, rubbish-talking old woman who brought her late
+husband to the grave. Probably she has been plaguing you as much as she
+did him. No, no, dearest; you must not take this step. What should I do
+then? What would there be left for ME to do? Pray put the idea out
+of your head. What is it you lack here? I cannot feel sufficiently
+overjoyed to be near you, while, for your part, you love me well, and
+can live your life here as quietly as you wish. Read or sew, whichever
+you like--or read and do not sew. Only, do not desert me. Try, yourself,
+to imagine how things would seem after you had gone. Here am I sending
+you books, and later we will go for a walk. Come, come, then, my
+Barbara! Summon to your aid your reason, and cease to babble of trifles.
+
+As soon as I can I will come and see you, and then you shall tell me the
+whole story. This will not do, sweetheart; this certainly will not do.
+Of course, I know that I am not an educated man, and have received but a
+sorry schooling, and have had no inclination for it, and think too much
+of Rataziaev, if you will; but he is my friend, and therefore, I must
+put in a word or two for him. Yes, he is a splendid writer. Again and
+again I assert that he writes magnificently. I do not agree with
+you about his works, and never shall. He writes too ornately, too
+laconically, with too great a wealth of imagery and imagination. Perhaps
+you have read him without insight, Barbara? Or perhaps you were out of
+spirits at the time, or angry with Thedora about something, or worried
+about some mischance? Ah, but you should read him sympathetically, and,
+best of all, at a time when you are feeling happy and contented and
+pleasantly disposed--for instance, when you have a bonbon or two in your
+mouth. Yes, that is the way to read Rataziaev. I do not dispute (indeed,
+who would do so?) that better writers than he exist--even far better;
+but they are good, and he is good too--they write well, and he writes
+well. It is chiefly for his own sake that he writes, and he is to be
+approved for so doing.
+
+Now goodbye, dearest. More I cannot write, for I must hurry away to
+business. Be of good cheer, and the Lord God watch over you!--Your
+faithful friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+P.S--Thank you so much for the book, darling! I will read it through,
+this volume of Pushkin, and tonight come to you.
+
+
+
+MY DEAR MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH--No, no, my friend, I must not go on living
+near you. I have been thinking the matter over, and come to the
+conclusion that I should be doing very wrong to refuse so good a post. I
+should at least have an assured crust of bread; I might at least set to
+work to earn my employers' favour, and even try to change my character
+if required to do so. Of course it is a sad and sorry thing to have to
+live among strangers, and to be forced to seek their patronage, and to
+conceal and constrain one's own personality--but God will help me. I
+must not remain forever a recluse, for similar chances have come my way
+before. I remember how, when a little girl at school, I used to go home
+on Sundays and spend the time in frisking and dancing about. Sometimes
+my mother would chide me for so doing, but I did not care, for my heart
+was too joyous, and my spirits too buoyant, for that. Yet as the evening
+of Sunday came on, a sadness as of death would overtake me, for at nine
+o'clock I had to return to school, where everything was cold and strange
+and severe--where the governesses, on Mondays, lost their tempers, and
+nipped my ears, and made me cry. On such occasions I would retire to a
+corner and weep alone; concealing my tears lest I should be called lazy.
+Yet it was not because I had to study that I used to weep, and in time I
+grew more used to things, and, after my schooldays were over, shed tears
+only when I was parting with friends....
+
+It is not right for me to live in dependence upon you. The thought
+tortures me. I tell you this frankly, for the reason that frankness
+with you has become a habit. Cannot I see that daily, at earliest dawn,
+Thedora rises to do washing and scrubbing, and remains working at it
+until late at night, even though her poor old bones must be aching for
+want of rest? Cannot I also see that YOU are ruining yourself for me,
+and hoarding your last kopeck that you may spend it on my behalf? You
+ought not so to act, my friend, even though you write that you would
+rather sell your all than let me want for anything. I believe in you, my
+friend--I entirely believe in your good heart; but, you say that to me
+now (when, perhaps, you have received some unexpected sum or gratuity)
+and there is still the future to be thought of. You yourself know that I
+am always ailing--that I cannot work as you do, glad though I should be
+of any work if I could get it; so what else is there for me to do? To
+sit and repine as I watch you and Thedora? But how would that be of any
+use to you? AM I necessary to you, comrade of mine? HAVE I ever done
+you any good? Though I am bound to you with my whole soul, and love you
+dearly and strongly and wholeheartedly, a bitter fate has ordained that
+that love should be all that I have to give--that I should be unable,
+by creating for you subsistence, to repay you for all your kindness. Do
+not, therefore, detain me longer, but think the matter out, and give me
+your opinion on it. In expectation of which I remain your sweetheart,
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+July 1st.
+
+Rubbish, rubbish, Barbara!--What you say is sheer rubbish. Stay here,
+rather, and put such thoughts out of your head. None of what you suppose
+is true. I can see for myself that it is not. Whatsoever you lack here,
+you have but to ask me for it. Here you love and are loved, and we might
+easily be happy and contented together. What could you want more? What
+have you to do with strangers? You cannot possibly know what strangers
+are like. I know it, though, and could have told you if you had asked
+me. There is a stranger whom I know, and whose bread I have eaten. He
+is a cruel man, Barbara--a man so bad that he would be unworthy of your
+little heart, and would soon tear it to pieces with his railings and
+reproaches and black looks. On the other hand, you are safe and well
+here--you are as safe as though you were sheltered in a nest. Besides,
+you would, as it were, leave me with my head gone. For what should I
+have to do when you were gone? What could I, an old man, find to do? Are
+you not necessary to me? Are you not useful to me? Eh? Surely you do not
+think that you are not useful? You are of great use to me, Barbara, for
+you exercise a beneficial influence upon my life. Even at this moment,
+as I think of you, I feel cheered, for always I can write letters to
+you, and put into them what I am feeling, and receive from you detailed
+answers.... I have bought you a wardrobe, and also procured you a
+bonnet; so you see that you have only to give me a commission for it to
+be executed.... No--in what way are you not useful? What should I do
+if I were deserted in my old age? What would become of me? Perhaps you
+never thought of that, Barbara--perhaps you never said to yourself, "How
+could HE get on without me?" You see, I have grown so accustomed to you.
+What else would it end in, if you were to go away? Why, in my hiking to
+the Neva's bank and doing away with myself. Ah, Barbara, darling, I
+can see that you want me to be taken away to the Volkovo Cemetery in
+a broken-down old hearse, with some poor outcast of the streets to
+accompany my coffin as chief mourner, and the gravediggers to heap my
+body with clay, and depart and leave me there. How wrong of you, how
+wrong of you, my beloved! Yes, by heavens, how wrong of you! I am
+returning you your book, little friend; and, if you were to ask of me
+my opinion of it, I should say that never before in my life had I read
+a book so splendid. I keep wondering how I have hitherto contrived to
+remain such an owl. For what have I ever done? From what wilds did
+I spring into existence? I KNOW nothing--I know simply NOTHING. My
+ignorance is complete. Frankly, I am not an educated man, for until now
+I have read scarcely a single book--only "A Portrait of Man" (a clever
+enough work in its way), "The Boy Who Could Play Many Tunes Upon Bells",
+and "Ivik's Storks". That is all. But now I have also read "The Station
+Overseer" in your little volume; and it is wonderful to think that one
+may live and yet be ignorant of the fact that under one's very nose
+there may be a book in which one's whole life is described as in a
+picture. Never should I have guessed that, as soon as ever one begins to
+read such a book, it sets one on both to remember and to consider and to
+foretell events. Another reason why I liked this book so much is that,
+though, in the case of other works (however clever they be), one may
+read them, yet remember not a word of them (for I am a man naturally
+dull of comprehension, and unable to read works of any great
+importance),--although, as I say, one may read such works, one reads
+such a book as YOURS as easily as though it had been written by oneself,
+and had taken possession of one's heart, and turned it inside out for
+inspection, and were describing it in detail as a matter of perfect
+simplicity. Why, I might almost have written the book myself! Why not,
+indeed? I can feel just as the people in the book do, and find myself
+in positions precisely similar to those of, say, the character Samson
+Virin. In fact, how many good-hearted wretches like Virin are there not
+walking about amongst us? How easily, too, it is all described! I assure
+you, my darling, that I almost shed tears when I read that Virin so took
+to drink as to lose his memory, become morose, and spend whole days over
+his liquor; as also that he choked with grief and wept bitterly when,
+rubbing his eyes with his dirty hand, he bethought him of his wandering
+lamb, his daughter Dunasha! How natural, how natural! You should read
+the book for yourself. The thing is actually alive. Even I can see that;
+even I can realise that it is a picture cut from the very life around
+me. In it I see our own Theresa (to go no further) and the poor
+Tchinovnik--who is just such a man as this Samson Virin, except for
+his surname of Gorshkov. The book describes just what might happen to
+ourselves--to myself in particular. Even a count who lives in the Nevski
+Prospect or in Naberezhnaia Street might have a similar experience,
+though he might APPEAR to be different, owing to the fact that his life
+is cast on a higher plane. Yes, just the same things might happen to
+him--just the same things.... Here you are wishing to go away and leave
+us; yet, be careful lest it would not be I who had to pay the penalty of
+your doing so. For you might ruin both yourself and me. For the love of
+God, put away these thoughts from you, my darling, and do not torture me
+in vain. How could you, my poor little unfledged nestling, find yourself
+food, and defend yourself from misfortune, and ward off the wiles of
+evil men? Think better of it, Barbara, and pay no more heed to
+foolish advice and calumny, but read your book again, and read it with
+attention. It may do you much good.
+
+I have spoken of Rataziaev's "The Station Overseer". However, the author
+has told me that the work is old-fashioned, since, nowadays, books are
+issued with illustrations and embellishments of different sorts (though
+I could not make out all that he said). Pushkin he adjudges a splendid
+poet, and one who has done honour to Holy Russia. Read your book again,
+Barbara, and follow my advice, and make an old man happy. The Lord God
+Himself will reward you. Yes, He will surely reward you.--Your faithful
+friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Today Thedora came to me with fifteen
+roubles in silver. How glad was the poor woman when I gave her three of
+them! I am writing to you in great haste, for I am busy cutting out a
+waistcoat to send to you--buff, with a pattern of flowers. Also I
+am sending you a book of stories; some of which I have read myself,
+particularly one called "The Cloak." ... You invite me to go to the
+theatre with you. But will it not cost too much? Of course we might sit
+in the gallery. It is a long time (indeed I cannot remember when I last
+did so) since I visited a theatre! Yet I cannot help fearing that such
+an amusement is beyond our means. Thedora keeps nodding her head, and
+saying that you have taken to living above your income. I myself divine
+the same thing by the amount which you have spent upon me. Take care,
+dear friend, that misfortune does not come of it, for Thedora has also
+informed me of certain rumours concerning your inability to meet your
+landlady's bills. In fact, I am very anxious about you. Now, goodbye,
+for I must hasten away to see about another matter--about the changing
+of the ribands on my bonnet.
+
+P.S.--Do you know, if we go to the theatre, I think that I shall wear my
+new hat and black mantilla. Will that not look nice?
+
+
+
+
+
+July 7th.
+
+MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA--SO much for yesterday! Yes, dearest, we
+have both been caught playing the fool, for I have become thoroughly
+bitten with the actress of whom I spoke. Last night I listened to her
+with all my ears, although, strangely enough, it was practically my
+first sight of her, seeing that only once before had I been to the
+theatre. In those days I lived cheek by jowl with a party of five young
+men--a most noisy crew--and one night I accompanied them, willy-nilly,
+to the theatre, though I held myself decently aloof from their doings,
+and only assisted them for company's sake. How those fellows talked to
+me of this actress! Every night when the theatre was open, the entire
+band of them (they always seemed to possess the requisite money) would
+betake themselves to that place of entertainment, where they ascended
+to the gallery, and clapped their hands, and repeatedly recalled the
+actress in question. In fact, they went simply mad over her. Even after
+we had returned home they would give me no rest, but would go on
+talking about her all night, and calling her their Glasha, and declaring
+themselves to be in love with "the canary-bird of their hearts." My
+defenseless self, too, they would plague about the woman, for I was as
+young as they. What a figure I must have cut with them on the fourth
+tier of the gallery! Yet, I never got a sight of more than just a corner
+of the curtain, but had to content myself with listening. She had a
+fine, resounding, mellow voice like a nightingale's, and we all of us
+used to clap our hands loudly, and to shout at the top of our lungs. In
+short, we came very near to being ejected. On the first occasion I went
+home walking as in a mist, with a single rouble left in my pocket, and
+an interval of ten clear days confronting me before next pay-day. Yet,
+what think you, dearest? The very next day, before going to work, I
+called at a French perfumer's, and spent my whole remaining capital on
+some eau-de-Cologne and scented soap! Why I did so I do not know. Nor
+did I dine at home that day, but kept walking and walking past her
+windows (she lived in a fourth-storey flat on the Nevski Prospect).
+At length I returned to my own lodging, but only to rest a short hour
+before again setting off to the Nevski Prospect and resuming my vigil
+before her windows. For a month and a half I kept this up--dangling in
+her train. Sometimes I would hire cabs, and discharge them in view of
+her abode; until at length I had entirely ruined myself, and got into
+debt. Then I fell out of love with her--I grew weary of the pursuit....
+You see, therefore, to what depths an actress can reduce a decent man.
+In those days I was young. Yes, in those days I was VERY young.
+
+M. D.
+
+
+
+
+July 8th.
+
+MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--The book which I received from you on
+the 6th of this month I now hasten to return, while at the same time
+hastening also to explain matters to you in this accompanying letter.
+What a misfortune, my beloved, that you should have brought me to such a
+pass! Our lots in life are apportioned by the Almighty according to our
+human deserts. To such a one He assigns a life in a general's epaulets
+or as a privy councillor--to such a one, I say, He assigns a life of
+command; whereas to another one, He allots only a life of unmurmuring
+toil and suffering. These things are calculated according to a man's
+CAPACITY. One man may be capable of one thing, and another of another,
+and their several capacities are ordered by the Lord God himself. I
+have now been thirty years in the public service, and have fulfilled my
+duties irreproachably, remained abstemious, and never been detected
+in any unbecoming behaviour. As a citizen, I may confess--I confess
+it freely--I have been guilty of certain shortcomings; yet those
+shortcomings have been combined with certain virtues. I am respected by
+my superiors, and even his Excellency has had no fault to find with me;
+and though I have never been shown any special marks of favour, I know
+that every one finds me at least satisfactory. Also, my writing is
+sufficiently legible and clear. Neither too rounded nor too fine, it
+is a running hand, yet always suitable. Of our staff only Ivan
+Prokofievitch writes a similar hand. Thus have I lived till the grey
+hairs of my old age; yet I can think of no serious fault committed. Of
+course, no one is free from MINOR faults. Everyone has some of them, and
+you among the rest, my beloved. But in grave or in audacious offences
+never have I been detected, nor in infringements of regulations, nor in
+breaches of the public peace. No, never! This you surely know, even as
+the author of your book must have known it. Yes, he also must have
+known it when he sat down to write. I had not expected this of you, my
+Barbara. I should never have expected it.
+
+What? In future I am not to go on living peacefully in my little corner,
+poor though that corner be I am not to go on living, as the proverb has
+it, without muddying the water, or hurting any one, or forgetting the
+fear of the Lord God and of oneself? I am not to see, forsooth, that
+no man does me an injury, or breaks into my home--I am not to take care
+that all shall go well with me, or that I have clothes to wear, or that
+my shoes do not require mending, or that I be given work to do, or
+that I possess sufficient meat and drink? Is it nothing that, where
+the pavement is rotten, I have to walk on tiptoe to save my boots? If I
+write to you overmuch concerning myself, is it concerning ANOTHER man,
+rather, that I ought to write--concerning HIS wants, concerning HIS
+lack of tea to drink (and all the world needs tea)? Has it ever been
+my custom to pry into other men's mouths, to see what is being put into
+them? Have I ever been known to offend any one in that respect? No, no,
+beloved! Why should I desire to insult other folks when they are not
+molesting ME? Let me give you an example of what I mean. A man may go on
+slaving and slaving in the public service, and earn the respect of his
+superiors (for what it is worth), and then, for no visible reason at
+all, find himself made a fool of. Of course he may break out now and
+then (I am not now referring only to drunkenness), and (for example)
+buy himself a new pair of shoes, and take pleasure in seeing his feet
+looking well and smartly shod. Yes, I myself have known what it is
+to feel like that (I write this in good faith). Yet I am nonetheless
+astonished that Thedor Thedorovitch should neglect what is being said
+about him, and take no steps to defend himself. True, he is only a
+subordinate official, and sometimes loves to rate and scold; yet why
+should he not do so--why should he not indulge in a little vituperation
+when he feels like it? Suppose it to be NECESSARY, for FORM'S sake,
+to scold, and to set everyone right, and to shower around abuse (for,
+between ourselves, Barbara, our friend cannot get on WITHOUT abuse--so
+much so that every one humours him, and does things behind his back)?
+Well, since officials differ in rank, and every official demands that
+he shall be allowed to abuse his fellow officials in proportion to his
+rank, it follows that the TONE also of official abuse should become
+divided into ranks, and thus accord with the natural order of things.
+All the world is built upon the system that each one of us shall have to
+yield precedence to some other one, as well as to enjoy a certain power
+of abusing his fellows. Without such a provision the world could not
+get on at all, and simple chaos would ensue. Yet I am surprised that our
+Thedor should continue to overlook insults of the kind that he endures.
+
+Why do I do my official work at all? Why is that necessary? Will my
+doing of it lead anyone who reads it to give me a greatcoat, or to buy
+me a new pair of shoes? No, Barbara. Men only read the documents, and
+then require me to write more. Sometimes a man will hide himself away,
+and not show his face abroad, for the mere reason that, though he has
+done nothing to be ashamed of, he dreads the gossip and slandering which
+are everywhere to be encountered. If his civic and family life have to
+do with literature, everything will be printed and read and laughed
+over and discussed; until at length, he hardly dare show his face in
+the street at all, seeing that he will have been described by report as
+recognisable through his gait alone! Then, when he has amended his ways,
+and grown gentler (even though he still continues to be loaded with
+official work), he will come to be accounted a virtuous, decent citizen
+who has deserved well of his comrades, rendered obedience to his
+superiors, wished noone any evil, preserved the fear of God in his
+heart, and died lamented. Yet would it not be better, instead of letting
+the poor fellow die, to give him a cloak while yet he is ALIVE--to give
+it to this same Thedor Thedorovitch (that is to say, to myself)? Yes,
+'twere far better if, on hearing the tale of his subordinate's virtues,
+the chief of the department were to call the deserving man into his
+office, and then and there to promote him, and to grant him an increase
+of salary. Thus vice would be punished, virtue would prevail, and the
+staff of that department would live in peace together. Here we have an
+example from everyday, commonplace life. How, therefore, could you bring
+yourself to send me that book, my beloved? It is a badly conceived
+work, Barbara, and also unreal, for the reason that in creation such
+a Tchinovnik does not exist. No, again I protest against it, little
+Barbara; again I protest.--Your most humble, devoted servant,
+
+M. D.
+
+
+
+
+July 27th.
+
+MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Your latest conduct and letters had
+frightened me, and left me thunderstruck and plunged in doubt, until
+what you have said about Thedor explained the situation. Why despair
+and go into such frenzies, Makar Alexievitch? Your explanations only
+partially satisfy me. Perhaps I did wrong to insist upon accepting
+a good situation when it was offered me, seeing that from my last
+experience in that way I derived a shock which was anything but a matter
+for jesting. You say also that your love for me has compelled you
+to hide yourself in retirement. Now, how much I am indebted to you I
+realised when you told me that you were spending for my benefit the sum
+which you are always reported to have laid by at your bankers; but, now
+that I have learned that you never possessed such a fund, but that, on
+hearing of my destitute plight, and being moved by it, you decided to
+spend upon me the whole of your salary--even to forestall it--and when I
+had fallen ill, actually to sell your clothes--when I learned all this
+I found myself placed in the harassing position of not knowing how to
+accept it all, nor what to think of it. Ah, Makar Alexievitch! You ought
+to have stopped at your first acts of charity--acts inspired by sympathy
+and the love of kinsfolk, rather than have continued to squander your
+means upon what was unnecessary. Yes, you have betrayed our friendship,
+Makar Alexievitch, in that you have not been open with me; and, now that
+I see that your last coin has been spent upon dresses and bon-bons and
+excursions and books and visits to the theatre for me, I weep bitter
+tears for my unpardonable improvidence in having accepted these things
+without giving so much as a thought to your welfare. Yes, all that you
+have done to give me pleasure has become converted into a source of
+grief, and left behind it only useless regret. Of late I have remarked
+that you were looking depressed; and though I felt fearful that
+something unfortunate was impending, what has happened would otherwise
+never have entered my head. To think that your better sense should so
+play you false, Makar Alexievitch! What will people think of you, and
+say of you? Who will want to know you? You whom, like everyone else, I
+have valued for your goodness of heart and modesty and good sense--YOU,
+I say, have now given way to an unpleasant vice of which you seem never
+before to have been guilty. What were my feelings when Thedora informed
+me that you had been discovered drunk in the street, and taken home by
+the police? Why, I felt petrified with astonishment--although, in view
+of the fact that you had failed me for four days, I had been expecting
+some such extraordinary occurrence. Also, have you thought what your
+superiors will say of you when they come to learn the true reason of
+your absence? You say that everyone is laughing at you, that every
+one has learnED of the bond which exists between us, and that your
+neighbours habitually refer to me with a sneer. Pay no attention to
+this, Makar Alexievitch; for the love of God, be comforted. Also, the
+incident between you and the officers has much alarmed me, although
+I had heard certain rumours concerning it. Pray explain to me what it
+means. You write, too, that you have been afraid to be open with me, for
+the reason that your confessions might lose you my friendship. Also, you
+say that you are in despair at the thought of being unable to help me in
+my illness, owing to the fact that you have sold everything which might
+have maintained me, and preserved me in sickness, as well as that you
+have borrowed as much as it is possible for you to borrow, and are daily
+experiencing unpleasantness with your landlady. Well, in failing to
+reveal all this to me you chose the worse course. Now, however, I know
+all. You have forced me to recognise that I have been the cause of your
+unhappy plight, as well as that my own conduct has brought upon myself
+a twofold measure of sorrow. The fact leaves me thunderstruck, Makar
+Alexievitch. Ah, friend, an infectious disease is indeed a misfortune,
+for now we poor and miserable folk must perforce keep apart from one
+another, lest the infection be increased. Yes, I have brought upon you
+calamities which never before in your humble, solitary life you had
+experienced. This tortures and exhausts me more than I can tell to think
+of.
+
+Write to me quite frankly. Tell me how you came to embark upon such
+a course of conduct. Comfort, oh, comfort me if you can. It is not
+self-love that prompts me to speak of my own comforting, but my
+friendship and love for you, which will never fade from my heart.
+Goodbye. I await your answer with impatience. You have thought but
+poorly of me, Makar Alexievitch.--Your friend and lover,
+
+BARBARA DOBROSELOVA.
+
+
+
+
+July 28th.
+
+MY PRICELESS BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--What am I to say to you, now that all
+is over, and we are gradually returning to our old position? You say
+that you are anxious as to what will be thought of me. Let me tell you
+that the dearest thing in life to me is my self-respect; wherefore, in
+informing you of my misfortunes and misconduct, I would add that none
+of my superiors know of my doings, nor ever will know of them, and that
+therefore, I still enjoy a measure of respect in that quarter. Only one
+thing do I fear--I fear gossip. Garrulous though my landlady be, she
+said but little when, with the aid of your ten roubles, I today paid her
+part of her account; and as for the rest of my companions, they do not
+matter at all. So long as I have not borrowed money from them, I need
+pay them no attention. To conclude my explanations, let me tell you
+that I value your respect for me above everything in the world, and have
+found it my greatest comfort during this temporary distress of mine.
+Thank God, the first shock of things has abated, now that you have
+agreed not to look upon me as faithless and an egotist simply because I
+have deceived you. I wish to hold you to myself, for the reason that I
+cannot bear to part with you, and love you as my guardian angel....
+I have now returned to work, and am applying myself diligently to my
+duties. Also, yesterday Evstafi Ivanovitch exchanged a word or two with
+me. Yet I will not conceal from you the fact that my debts are crushing
+me down, and that my wardrobe is in a sorry state. At the same time,
+these things do not REALLY matter and I would bid you not despair about
+them. Send me, however, another half-rouble if you can (though that
+half-rouble will stab me to the heart--stab me with the thought that it
+is not I who am helping you, but YOU who are helping ME). Thedora has
+done well to get those fifteen roubles for you. At the moment, fool of
+an old man that I am, I have no hope of acquiring any more money; but as
+soon as ever I do so, I will write to you and let you know all about it.
+What chiefly worries me is the fear of gossip. Goodbye, little angel. I
+kiss your hands, and beseech you to regain your health. If this is not
+a detailed letter, the reason is that I must soon be starting for the
+office, in order that, by strict application to duty, I may make amends
+for the past. Further information concerning my doings (as well as
+concerning that affair with the officers) must be deferred until
+tonight.--Your affectionate and respectful friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+July 28th.
+
+DEAREST LITTLE BARBARA,--It is YOU who have committed a fault--and one
+which must weigh heavily upon your conscience. Indeed, your last letter
+has amazed and confounded me,--so much so that, on once more looking
+into the recesses of my heart, I perceive that I was perfectly right
+in what I did. Of course I am not now referring to my debauch (no,
+indeed!), but to the fact that I love you, and to the fact that it is
+unwise of me to love you--very unwise. You know not how matters stand,
+my darling. You know not why I am BOUND to love you. Otherwise you would
+not say all that you do. Yet I am persuaded that it is your head rather
+than your heart that is speaking. I am certain that your heart thinks
+very differently.
+
+What occurred that night between myself and those officers I scarcely
+know, I scarcely remember. You must bear in mind that for some time past
+I have been in terrible distress--that for a whole month I have been, so
+to speak, hanging by a single thread. Indeed, my position has been most
+pitiable. Though I hid myself from you, my landlady was forever shouting
+and railing at me. This would not have mattered a jot--the horrible old
+woman might have shouted as much as she pleased--had it not been that,
+in the first place, there was the disgrace of it, and, in the second
+place, she had somehow learned of our connection, and kept proclaiming
+it to the household until I felt perfectly deafened, and had to stop my
+ears. The point, however, is that other people did not stop their ears,
+but, on the contrary, pricked them. Indeed, I am at a loss what to do.
+
+Really this wretched rabble has driven me to extremities. It all began
+with my hearing a strange rumour from Thedora--namely, that an unworthy
+suitor had been to visit you, and had insulted you with an improper
+proposal. That he had insulted you deeply I knew from my own feelings,
+for I felt insulted in an equal degree. Upon that, my angel, I went to
+pieces, and, losing all self-control, plunged headlong. Bursting into an
+unspeakable frenzy, I was at once going to call upon this villain of a
+seducer--though what to do next I knew not, seeing that I was fearful of
+giving you offence. Ah, what a night of sorrow it was, and what a time
+of gloom, rain, and sleet! Next, I was returning home, but found myself
+unable to stand upon my feet. Then Emelia Ilyitch happened to come
+by. He also is a tchinovnik--or rather, was a tchinovnik, since he was
+turned out of the service some time ago. What he was doing there at that
+moment I do not know; I only know that I went with him.... Surely it
+cannot give you pleasure to read of the misfortunes of your friend--of
+his sorrows, and of the temptations which he experienced?... On the
+evening of the third day Emelia urged me to go and see the officer of
+whom I have spoken, and whose address I had learned from our dvornik.
+More strictly speaking, I had noticed him when, on a previous occasion,
+he had come to play cards here, and I had followed him home. Of course
+I now see that I did wrong, but I felt beside myself when I heard
+them telling him stories about me. Exactly what happened next I cannot
+remember. I only remember that several other officers were present as
+well as he. Or it may be that I saw everything double--God alone knows.
+Also, I cannot exactly remember what I said. I only remember that in my
+fury I said a great deal. Then they turned me out of the room, and threw
+me down the staircase--pushed me down it, that is to say. How I got home
+you know. That is all. Of course, later I blamed myself, and my pride
+underwent a fall; but no extraneous person except yourself knows of the
+affair, and in any case it does not matter. Perhaps the affair is as you
+imagine it to have been, Barbara? One thing I know for certain, and that
+is that last year one of our lodgers, Aksenti Osipovitch, took a similar
+liberty with Peter Petrovitch, yet kept the fact secret, an absolute
+secret. He called him into his room (I happened to be looking through a
+crack in the partition-wall), and had an explanation with him in the
+way that a gentleman should--noone except myself being a witness of the
+scene; whereas, in my own case, I had no explanation at all. After the
+scene was over, nothing further transpired between Aksenti Osipovitch
+and Peter Petrovitch, for the reason that the latter was so desirous of
+getting on in life that he held his tongue. As a result, they bow and
+shake hands whenever they meet.... I will not dispute the fact that I
+have erred most grievously--that I should never dare to dispute, or that
+I have fallen greatly in my own estimation; but, I think I was fated
+from birth so to do--and one cannot escape fate, my beloved. Here,
+therefore, is a detailed explanation of my misfortunes and sorrows,
+written for you to read whenever you may find it convenient. I am far
+from well, beloved, and have lost all my gaiety of disposition, but I
+send you this letter as a token of my love, devotion, and respect, Oh
+dear lady of my affections.--Your humble servant,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+July 29th.
+
+MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--I have read your two letters, and they
+make my heart ache. See here, dear friend of mine. You pass over certain
+things in silence, and write about a PORTION only of your misfortunes.
+Can it be that the letters are the outcome of a mental disorder?... Come
+and see me, for God's sake. Come today, direct from the office, and dine
+with us as you have done before. As to how you are living now, or as to
+what settlement you have made with your landlady, I know not, for you
+write nothing concerning those two points, and seem purposely to have
+left them unmentioned. Au revoir, my friend. Come to me today without
+fail. You would do better ALWAYS to dine here. Thedora is an excellent
+cook. Goodbye--Your own,
+
+BARBARA DOBROSELOVA.
+
+
+
+
+August 1st.
+
+MY DARLING BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--Thank God that He has sent you a chance
+of repaying my good with good. I believe in so doing, as well as in the
+sweetness of your angelic heart. Therefore, I will not reproach you.
+Only I pray you, do not again blame me because in the decline of my life
+I have played the spendthrift. It was such a sin, was it not?--such a
+thing to do? And even if you would still have it that the sin was there,
+remember, little friend, what it costs me to hear such words fall from
+your lips. Do not be vexed with me for saying this, for my heart is
+fainting. Poor people are subject to fancies--this is a provision of
+nature. I myself have had reason to know this. The poor man is exacting.
+He cannot see God's world as it is, but eyes each passer-by askance, and
+looks around him uneasily in order that he may listen to every word that
+is being uttered. May not people be talking of him? How is it that he
+is so unsightly? What is he feeling at all? What sort of figure is
+he cutting on the one side or on the other? It is matter of common
+knowledge, my Barbara, that the poor man ranks lower than a rag, and
+will never earn the respect of any one. Yes, write about him as you
+like--let scribblers say what they choose about him--he will ever remain
+as he was. And why is this? It is because, from his very nature, the
+poor man has to wear his feelings on his sleeve, so that nothing about
+him is sacred, and as for his self-respect--! Well, Emelia told me the
+other day that once, when he had to collect subscriptions, official
+sanction was demanded for every single coin, since people thought that
+it would be no use paying their money to a poor man. Nowadays charity
+is strangely administered. Perhaps it has always been so. Either folk do
+not know how to administer it, or they are adept in the art--one of the
+two. Perhaps you did not know this, so I beg to tell it you. And how
+comes it that the poor man knows, is so conscious of it all? The answer
+is--by experience. He knows because any day he may see a gentleman enter
+a restaurant and ask himself, "What shall I have to eat today? I will
+have such and such a dish," while all the time the poor man will
+have nothing to eat that day but gruel. There are men, too--wretched
+busybodies--who walk about merely to see if they can find some wretched
+tchinovnik or broken-down official who has got toes projecting from his
+boots or his hair uncut! And when they have found such a one they make
+a report of the circumstance, and their rubbish gets entered on the
+file.... But what does it matter to you if my hair lacks the shears? If
+you will forgive me what may seem to you a piece of rudeness, I declare
+that the poor man is ashamed of such things with the sensitiveness of a
+young girl. YOU, for instance, would not care (pray pardon my bluntness)
+to unrobe yourself before the public eye; and in the same way, the poor
+man does not like to be pried at or questioned concerning his family
+relations, and so forth. A man of honour and self-respect such as I
+am finds it painful and grievous to have to consort with men who would
+deprive him of both.
+
+Today I sat before my colleagues like a bear's cub or a plucked sparrow,
+so that I fairly burned with shame. Yes, it hurt me terribly, Barbara.
+Naturally one blushes when one can see one's naked toes projecting
+through one's boots, and one's buttons hanging by a single thread!
+As though on purpose, I seemed, on this occasion, to be peculiarly
+dishevelled. No wonder that my spirits fell. When I was talking on
+business matters to Stepan Karlovitch, he suddenly exclaimed, for no
+apparent reason, "Ah, poor old Makar Alexievitch!" and then left the
+rest unfinished. But I knew what he had in his mind, and blushed so
+hotly that even the bald patch on my head grew red. Of course the whole
+thing is nothing, but it worries me, and leads to anxious thoughts. What
+can these fellows know about me? God send that they know nothing! But
+I confess that I suspect, I strongly suspect, one of my colleagues. Let
+them only betray me! They would betray one's private life for a groat,
+for they hold nothing sacred.
+
+I have an idea who is at the bottom of it all. It is Rataziaev. Probably
+he knows someone in our department to whom he has recounted the
+story with additions. Or perhaps he has spread it abroad in his own
+department, and thence, it has crept and crawled into ours. Everyone
+here knows it, down to the last detail, for I have seen them point at
+you with their fingers through the window. Oh yes, I have seen them do
+it. Yesterday, when I stepped across to dine with you, the whole crew
+were hanging out of the window to watch me, and the landlady exclaimed
+that the devil was in young people, and called you certain unbecoming
+names. But this is as nothing compared with Rataziaev's foul intention
+to place us in his books, and to describe us in a satire. He himself has
+declared that he is going to do so, and other people say the same.
+In fact, I know not what to think, nor what to decide. It is no use
+concealing the fact that you and I have sinned against the Lord God....
+You were going to send me a book of some sort, to divert my mind--were
+you not, dearest? What book, though, could now divert me? Only such
+books as have never existed on earth. Novels are rubbish, and written
+for fools and for the idle. Believe me, dearest, I know it through long
+experience. Even should they vaunt Shakespeare to you, I tell you that
+Shakespeare is rubbish, and proper only for lampoons--Your own,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+August 2nd.
+
+MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Do not disquiet yourself. God will grant
+that all shall turn out well. Thedora has obtained a quantity of work,
+both for me and herself, and we are setting about it with a will.
+Perhaps it will put us straight again. Thedora suspects my late
+misfortunes to be connected with Anna Thedorovna; but I do not care--I
+feel extraordinarily cheerful today. So you are thinking of borrowing
+more money? If so, may God preserve you, for you will assuredly be
+ruined when the time comes for repayment! You had far better come and
+live with us here for a little while. Yes, come and take up your abode
+here, and pay no attention whatever to what your landlady says. As for
+the rest of your enemies and ill-wishers, I am certain that it is with
+vain imaginings that you are vexing yourself.... In passing, let me tell
+you that your style differs greatly from letter to letter. Goodbye until
+we meet again. I await your coming with impatience--Your own,
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+August 3rd.
+
+MY ANGEL, BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I hasten to inform you, Oh light of my
+life, that my hopes are rising again. But, little daughter of mine--do
+you really mean it when you say that I am to indulge in no more
+borrowings? Why, I could not do without them. Things would go badly with
+us both if I did so. You are ailing. Consequently, I tell you roundly
+that I MUST borrow, and that I must continue to do so.
+
+Also, I may tell you that my seat in the office is now next to that of a
+certain Emelia Ivanovitch. He is not the Emelia whom you know, but a
+man who, like myself, is a privy councillor, as well as represents, with
+myself, the senior and oldest official in our department. Likewise he is
+a good, disinterested soul, and one that is not over-talkative, though
+a true bear in appearance and demeanour. Industrious, and possessed of
+a handwriting purely English, his caligraphy is, it must be confessed,
+even worse than my own. Yes, he is a good soul. At the same time, we
+have never been intimate with one another. We have done no more than
+exchange greetings on meeting or parting, borrow one another's penknife
+if we needed one, and, in short, observe such bare civilities as
+convention demands. Well, today he said to me, "Makar Alexievitch,
+what makes you look so thoughtful?" and inasmuch as I could see that
+he wished me well, I told him all--or, rather, I did not tell him
+EVERYTHING, for that I do to no man (I have not the heart to do it); I
+told him just a few scattered details concerning my financial straits.
+"Then you ought to borrow," said he. "You ought to obtain a loan of
+Peter Petrovitch, who does a little in that way. I myself once borrowed
+some money of him, and he charged me fair and light interest." Well,
+Barbara, my heart leapt within me at these words. I kept thinking and
+thinking,--if only God would put it into the mind of Peter Petrovitch
+to be my benefactor by advancing me a loan! I calculated that with its
+aid I might both repay my landlady and assist yourself and get rid of my
+surroundings (where I can hardly sit down to table without the rascals
+making jokes about me). Sometimes his Excellency passes our desk in
+the office. He glances at me, and cannot but perceive how poorly I am
+dressed. Now, neatness and cleanliness are two of his strongest points.
+Even though he says nothing, I feel ready to die with shame when he
+approaches. Well, hardening my heart, and putting my diffidence into my
+ragged pocket, I approached Peter Petrovitch, and halted before him more
+dead than alive. Yet I was hopeful, and though, as it turned out, he
+was busily engaged in talking to Thedosei Ivanovitch, I walked up to him
+from behind, and plucked at his sleeve. He looked away from me, but I
+recited my speech about thirty roubles, et cetera, et cetera, of which,
+at first, he failed to catch the meaning. Even when I had explained
+matters to him more fully, he only burst out laughing, and said nothing.
+Again I addressed to him my request; whereupon, asking me what security
+I could give, he again buried himself in his papers, and went on writing
+without deigning me even a second glance. Dismay seized me. "Peter
+Petrovitch," I said, "I can offer you no security," but to this I added
+an explanation that some salary would, in time, be due to me, which
+I would make over to him, and account the loan my first debt. At
+that moment someone called him away, and I had to wait a little. On
+returning, he began to mend his pen as though he had not even noticed
+that I was there. But I was for myself this time. "Peter Petrovitch," I
+continued, "can you not do ANYTHING?" Still he maintained silence, and
+seemed not to have heard me. I waited and waited. At length I determined
+to make a final attempt, and plucked him by the sleeve. He muttered
+something, and, his pen mended, set about his writing. There was nothing
+for me to do but to depart. He and the rest of them are worthy fellows,
+dearest--that I do not doubt--but they are also proud, very proud. What
+have I to do with them? Yet I thought I would write and tell you all
+about it. Meanwhile Emelia Ivanovitch had been encouraging me with nods
+and smiles. He is a good soul, and has promised to recommend me to a
+friend of his who lives in Viborskaia Street and lends money. Emelia
+declares that this friend will certainly lend me a little; so tomorrow,
+beloved, I am going to call upon the gentleman in question.... What do
+you think about it? It would be a pity not to obtain a loan. My landlady
+is on the point of turning me out of doors, and has refused to allow me
+any more board. Also, my boots are wearing through, and have lost every
+button--and I do not possess another pair! Could anyone in a government
+office display greater shabbiness? It is dreadful, my Barbara--it is
+simply dreadful!
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+August 4th.
+
+MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--For God's sake borrow some money as
+soon as you can. I would not ask this help of you were it not for the
+situation in which I am placed. Thedora and myself cannot remain any
+longer in our present lodgings, for we have been subjected to great
+unpleasantness, and you cannot imagine my state of agitation and
+dismay. The reason is that this morning we received a visit from an
+elderly--almost an old--man whose breast was studded with orders.
+Greatly surprised, I asked him what he wanted (for at the moment Thedora
+had gone out shopping); whereupon he began to question me as to my
+mode of life and occupation, and then, without waiting for an answer,
+informed me that he was uncle to the officer of whom you have spoken;
+that he was very angry with his nephew for the way in which the latter
+had behaved, especially with regard to his slandering of me right and
+left; and that he, the uncle, was ready to protect me from the young
+spendthrift's insolence. Also, he advised me to have nothing to say to
+young fellows of that stamp, and added that he sympathised with me as
+though he were my own father, and would gladly help me in any way he
+could. At this I blushed in some confusion, but did not greatly hasten
+to thank him. Next, he took me forcibly by the hand, and, tapping my
+cheek, said that I was very good-looking, and that he greatly liked the
+dimples in my face (God only knows what he meant!). Finally he tried to
+kiss me, on the plea that he was an old man, the brute! At this moment
+Thedora returned; whereupon, in some confusion, he repeated that he felt
+a great respect for my modesty and virtue, and that he much wished to
+become acquainted with me; after which he took Thedora aside, and tried,
+on some pretext or another, to give her money (though of course she
+declined it). At last he took himself off--again reiterating his
+assurances, and saying that he intended to return with some earrings as
+a present; that he advised me to change my lodgings; and, that he could
+recommend me a splendid flat which he had in his mind's eye as likely to
+cost me nothing. Yes, he also declared that he greatly liked me for my
+purity and good sense; that I must beware of dissolute young men; and
+that he knew Anna Thedorovna, who had charged him to inform me that she
+would shortly be visiting me in person. Upon that, I understood all.
+What I did next I scarcely know, for I had never before found myself in
+such a position; but I believe that I broke all restraints, and made the
+old man feel thoroughly ashamed of himself--Thedora helping me in the
+task, and well-nigh turning him neck and crop out of the tenement.
+Neither of us doubt that this is Anna Thedorovna's work--for how
+otherwise could the old man have got to know about us?
+
+Now, therefore, Makar Alexievitch, I turn to you for help. Do not, for
+God's sake, leave me in this plight. Borrow all the money that you can
+get, for I have not the wherewithal to leave these lodgings, yet cannot
+possibly remain in them any longer. At all events, this is Thedora's
+advice. She and I need at least twenty-five roubles, which I will repay
+you out of what I earn by my work, while Thedora shall get me additional
+work from day to day, so that, if there be heavy interest to pay on the
+loan, you shall not be troubled with the extra burden. Nay, I will make
+over to you all that I possess if only you will continue to help me.
+Truly, I grieve to have to trouble you when you yourself are so hardly
+situated, but my hopes rest upon you, and upon you alone. Goodbye, Makar
+Alexievitch. Think of me, and may God speed you on your errand!
+
+B.D.
+
+
+
+
+August 4th.
+
+MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--These unlooked-for blows have shaken me
+terribly, and these strange calamities have quite broken my spirit.
+Not content with trying to bring you to a bed of sickness, these
+lickspittles and pestilent old men are trying to bring me to the same.
+And I assure you that they are succeeding--I assure you that they are.
+Yet I would rather die than not help you. If I cannot help you I SHALL
+die; but, to enable me to help you, you must flee like a bird out of the
+nest where these owls, these birds of prey, are seeking to peck you to
+death. How distressed I feel, my dearest! Yet how cruel you yourself
+are! Although you are enduring pain and insult, although you, little
+nestling, are in agony of spirit, you actually tell me that it grieves
+you to disturb me, and that you will work off your debt to me with the
+labour of your own hands! In other words, you, with your weak health,
+are proposing to kill yourself in order to relieve me to term of my
+financial embarrassments! Stop a moment, and think what you are saying.
+WHY should you sew, and work, and torture your poor head with anxiety,
+and spoil your beautiful eyes, and ruin your health? Why, indeed? Ah,
+little Barbara, little Barbara! Do you not see that I shall never be any
+good to you, never any good to you? At all events, I myself see it. Yet
+I WILL help you in your distress. I WILL overcome every difficulty, I
+WILL get extra work to do, I WILL copy out manuscripts for authors,
+I WILL go to the latter and force them to employ me, I WILL so apply
+myself to the work that they shall see that I am a good copyist (and
+good copyists, I know, are always in demand). Thus there will be no need
+for you to exhaust your strength, nor will I allow you to do so--I will
+not have you carry out your disastrous intention... Yes, little angel,
+I will certainly borrow some money. I would rather die than not do
+so. Merely tell me, my own darling, that I am not to shrink from heavy
+interest, and I will not shrink from it, I will not shrink from it--nay,
+I will shrink from nothing. I will ask for forty roubles, to begin with.
+That will not be much, will it, little Barbara? Yet will any one trust
+me even with that sum at the first asking? Do you think that I am
+capable of inspiring confidence at the first glance? Would the mere
+sight of my face lead any one to form of me a favourable opinion? Have I
+ever been able, remember you, to appear to anyone in a favourable light?
+What think you? Personally, I see difficulties in the way, and feel sick
+at heart at the mere prospect. However, of those forty roubles I mean
+to set aside twenty-five for yourself, two for my landlady, and the
+remainder for my own spending. Of course, I ought to give more than
+two to my landlady, but you must remember my necessities, and see for
+yourself that that is the most that can be assigned to her. We need say
+no more about it. For one rouble I shall buy me a new pair of shoes, for
+I scarcely know whether my old ones will take me to the office tomorrow
+morning. Also, a new neck-scarf is indispensable, seeing that the old
+one has now passed its first year; but, since you have promised to make
+of your old apron not only a scarf, but also a shirt-front, I need think
+no more of the article in question. So much for shoes and scarves. Next,
+for buttons. You yourself will agree that I cannot do without buttons;
+nor is there on my garments a single hem unfrayed. I tremble when I
+think that some day his Excellency may perceive my untidiness, and
+say--well, what will he NOT say? Yet I shall never hear what he says,
+for I shall have expired where I sit--expired of mere shame at the
+thought of having been thus exposed. Ah, dearest!... Well, my various
+necessities will have left me three roubles to go on with. Part of
+this sum I shall expend upon a half-pound of tobacco--for I cannot live
+without tobacco, and it is nine days since I last put a pipe into my
+mouth. To tell the truth, I shall buy the tobacco without acquainting
+you with the fact, although I ought not so to do. The pity of it all is
+that, while you are depriving yourself of everything, I keep solacing
+myself with various amenities--which is why I am telling you this, that
+the pangs of conscience may not torment me. Frankly, I confess that I
+am in desperate straits--in such straits as I have never yet known. My
+landlady flouts me, and I enjoy the respect of noone; my arrears and
+debts are terrible; and in the office, though never have I found the
+place exactly a paradise, noone has a single word to say to me. Yet I
+hide, I carefully hide, this from every one. I would hide my person in
+the same way, were it not that daily I have to attend the office where
+I have to be constantly on my guard against my fellows. Nevertheless,
+merely to be able to CONFESS this to you renews my spiritual strength.
+We must not think of these things, Barbara, lest the thought of them
+break our courage. I write them down merely to warn you NOT to think of
+them, nor to torture yourself with bitter imaginings. Yet, my God, what
+is to become of us? Stay where you are until I can come to you; after
+which I shall not return hither, but simply disappear. Now I have
+finished my letter, and must go and shave myself, inasmuch as, when that
+is done, one always feels more decent, as well as consorts more easily
+with decency. God speed me! One prayer to Him, and I must be off.
+
+M. DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+August 5th.
+
+DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--You must not despair. Away with melancholy!
+I am sending you thirty kopecks in silver, and regret that I cannot send
+you more. Buy yourself what you most need until tomorrow. I myself have
+almost nothing left, and what I am going to do I know not. Is it not
+dreadful, Makar Alexievitch? Yet do not be downcast--it is no good being
+that. Thedora declares that it would not be a bad thing if we were to
+remain in this tenement, since if we left it suspicions would arise, and
+our enemies might take it into their heads to look for us. On the other
+hand, I do not think it would be well for us to remain here. If I were
+feeling less sad I would tell you my reason.
+
+What a strange man you are, Makar Alexievitch! You take things so much
+to heart that you never know what it is to be happy. I read your letters
+attentively, and can see from them that, though you worry and disturb
+yourself about me, you never give a thought to yourself. Yes, every
+letter tells me that you have a kind heart; but I tell YOU that that
+heart is overly kind. So I will give you a little friendly advice, Makar
+Alexievitch. I am full of gratitude towards you--I am indeed full for
+all that you have done for me, I am most sensible of your goodness;
+but, to think that I should be forced to see that, in spite of your own
+troubles (of which I have been the involuntary cause), you live for me
+alone--you live but for MY joys and MY sorrows and MY affection! If you
+take the affairs of another person so to heart, and suffer with her to
+such an extent, I do not wonder that you yourself are unhappy. Today,
+when you came to see me after office-work was done, I felt afraid even
+to raise my eyes to yours, for you looked so pale and desperate, and
+your face had so fallen in. Yes, you were dreading to have to tell me
+of your failure to borrow money--you were dreading to have to grieve and
+alarm me; but, when you saw that I came very near to smiling, the load
+was, I know, lifted from your heart. So do not be despondent, do not
+give way, but allow more rein to your better sense. I beg and implore
+this of you, for it will not be long before you see things take a turn
+for the better. You will but spoil your life if you constantly lament
+another person's sorrow. Goodbye, dear friend. I beseech you not to be
+over-anxious about me.
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+August 5th.
+
+MY DARLING LITTLE BARBARA,--This is well, this is well, my angel! So you
+are of opinion that the fact that I have failed to obtain any money does
+not matter? Then I too am reassured, I too am happy on your account.
+Also, I am delighted to think that you are not going to desert your old
+friend, but intend to remain in your present lodgings. Indeed, my heart
+was overcharged with joy when I read in your letter those kindly words
+about myself, as well as a not wholly unmerited recognition of my
+sentiments. I say this not out of pride, but because now I know how much
+you love me to be thus solicitous for my feelings. How good to
+think that I may speak to you of them! You bid me, darling, not be
+faint-hearted. Indeed, there is no need for me to be so. Think, for
+instance, of the pair of shoes which I shall be wearing to the office
+tomorrow! The fact is that over-brooding proves the undoing of a
+man--his complete undoing. What has saved me is the fact that it is not
+for myself that I am grieving, that I am suffering, but for YOU. Nor
+would it matter to me in the least that I should have to walk through
+the bitter cold without an overcoat or boots--I could bear it, I could
+well endure it, for I am a simple man in my requirements; but the point
+is--what would people say, what would every envious and hostile tongue
+exclaim, when I was seen without an overcoat? It is for OTHER folk that
+one wears an overcoat and boots. In any case, therefore, I should have
+needed boots to maintain my name and reputation; to both of which my
+ragged footgear would otherwise have spelled ruin. Yes, it is so,
+my beloved, and you may believe an old man who has had many years of
+experience, and knows both the world and mankind, rather than a set of
+scribblers and daubers.
+
+But I have not yet told you in detail how things have gone with me
+today. During the morning I suffered as much agony of spirit as might
+have been experienced in a year. 'Twas like this: First of all, I went
+out to call upon the gentleman of whom I have spoken. I started very
+early, before going to the office. Rain and sleet were falling, and
+I hugged myself in my greatcoat as I walked along. "Lord," thought I,
+"pardon my offences, and send me fulfilment of all my desires;" and as
+I passed a church I crossed myself, repented of my sins, and reminded
+myself that I was unworthy to hold communication with the Lord God. Then
+I retired into myself, and tried to look at nothing; and so, walking
+without noticing the streets, I proceeded on my way. Everything had an
+empty air, and everyone whom I met looked careworn and preoccupied, and
+no wonder, for who would choose to walk abroad at such an early hour,
+and in such weather? Next a band of ragged workmen met me, and jostled
+me boorishly as they passed; upon which nervousness overtook me, and
+I felt uneasy, and tried hard not to think of the money that was
+my errand. Near the Voskresenski Bridge my feet began to ache with
+weariness, until I could hardly pull myself along; until presently I met
+with Ermolaev, a writer in our office, who, stepping aside, halted, and
+followed me with his eyes, as though to beg of me a glass of vodka. "Ah,
+friend," thought I, "go YOU to your vodka, but what have I to do with
+such stuff?" Then, sadly weary, I halted for a moment's rest, and
+thereafter dragged myself further on my way. Purposely I kept looking
+about me for something upon which to fasten my thoughts, with which to
+distract, to encourage myself; but there was nothing. Not a single idea
+could I connect with any given object, while, in addition, my appearance
+was so draggled that I felt utterly ashamed of it. At length I perceived
+from afar a gabled house that was built of yellow wood. This, I thought,
+must be the residence of the Monsieur Markov whom Emelia Ivanovitch had
+mentioned to me as ready to lend money on interest. Half unconscious
+of what I was doing, I asked a watchman if he could tell me to whom the
+house belonged; whereupon grudgingly, and as though he were vexed at
+something, the fellow muttered that it belonged to one Markov. Are ALL
+watchmen so unfeeling? Why did this one reply as he did? In any case I
+felt disagreeably impressed, for like always answers to like, and, no
+matter what position one is in, things invariably appear to correspond
+to it. Three times did I pass the house and walk the length of the
+street; until the further I walked, the worse became my state of mind.
+"No, never, never will he lend me anything!" I thought to myself, "He
+does not know me, and my affairs will seem to him ridiculous, and I
+shall cut a sorry figure. However, let fate decide for me. Only, let
+Heaven send that I do not afterwards repent me, and eat out my heart
+with remorse!" Softly I opened the wicket-gate. Horrors! A great ragged
+brute of a watch-dog came flying out at me, and foaming at the mouth,
+and nearly jumping out his skin! Curious is it to note what little,
+trivial incidents will nearly make a man crazy, and strike terror to his
+heart, and annihilate the firm purpose with which he has armed himself.
+At all events, I approached the house more dead than alive, and walked
+straight into another catastrophe. That is to say, not noticing the
+slipperiness of the threshold, I stumbled against an old woman who
+was filling milk-jugs from a pail, and sent the milk flying in every
+direction! The foolish old dame gave a start and a cry, and then
+demanded of me whither I had been coming, and what it was I wanted;
+after which she rated me soundly for my awkwardness. Always have I found
+something of the kind befall me when engaged on errands of this nature.
+It seems to be my destiny invariably to run into something. Upon that,
+the noise and the commotion brought out the mistress of the house--an
+old beldame of mean appearance. I addressed myself directly to her:
+"Does Monsieur Markov live here?" was my inquiry. "No," she replied, and
+then stood looking at me civilly enough. "But what want you with him?"
+she continued; upon which I told her about Emelia Ivanovitch and
+the rest of the business. As soon as I had finished, she called her
+daughter--a barefooted girl in her teens--and told her to summon her
+father from upstairs. Meanwhile, I was shown into a room which contained
+several portraits of generals on the walls and was furnished with a
+sofa, a large table, and a few pots of mignonette and balsam. "Shall I,
+or shall I not (come weal, come woe) take myself off?" was my thought as
+I waited there. Ah, how I longed to run away! "Yes," I continued, "I had
+better come again tomorrow, for the weather may then be better, and I
+shall not have upset the milk, and these generals will not be looking at
+me so fiercely." In fact, I had actually begun to move towards the door
+when Monsieur Markov entered--a grey-headed man with thievish eyes, and
+clad in a dirty dressing-gown fastened with a belt. Greetings over, I
+stumbled out something about Emelia Ivanovitch and forty roubles, and
+then came to a dead halt, for his eyes told me that my errand had been
+futile. "No." said he, "I have no money. Moreover, what security
+could you offer?" I admitted that I could offer none, but again added
+something about Emelia, as well as about my pressing needs. Markov heard
+me out, and then repeated that he had no money. "Ah," thought I, "I
+might have known this--I might have foreseen it!" And, to tell the
+truth, Barbara, I could have wished that the earth had opened under my
+feet, so chilled did I feel as he said what he did, so numbed did my
+legs grow as shivers began to run down my back. Thus I remained gazing
+at him while he returned my gaze with a look which said, "Well now,
+my friend? Why do you not go since you have no further business to do
+here?" Somehow I felt conscience-stricken. "How is it that you are in
+such need of money?" was what he appeared to be asking; whereupon, I
+opened my mouth (anything rather than stand there to no purpose at all!)
+but found that he was not even listening. "I have no money," again he
+said, "or I would lend you some with pleasure." Several times I repeated
+that I myself possessed a little, and that I would repay any loan
+from him punctually, most punctually, and that he might charge me what
+interest he liked, since I would meet it without fail. Yes, at that
+moment I remembered our misfortunes, our necessities, and I remembered
+your half-rouble. "No," said he, "I can lend you nothing without
+security," and clinched his assurance with an oath, the robber!
+
+How I contrived to leave the house and, passing through Viborskaia
+Street, to reach the Voskresenski Bridge I do not know. I only remember
+that I felt terribly weary, cold, and starved, and that it was ten
+o'clock before I reached the office. Arriving, I tried to clean myself
+up a little, but Sniegirev, the porter, said that it was impossible for
+me to do so, and that I should only spoil the brush, which belonged to
+the Government. Thus, my darling, do such fellows rate me lower than
+the mat on which they wipe their boots! What is it that will most
+surely break me? It is not the want of money, but the LITTLE worries
+of life--these whisperings and nods and jeers. Any day his Excellency
+himself may round upon me. Ah, dearest, my golden days are gone. Today I
+have spent in reading your letters through; and the reading of them has
+made me sad. Goodbye, my own, and may the Lord watch over you!
+
+M. DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+P.S.--To conceal my sorrow I would have written this letter half
+jestingly; but, the faculty of jesting has not been given me. My one
+desire, however, is to afford you pleasure. Soon I will come and see
+you, dearest. Without fail I will come and see you.
+
+
+
+
+August 11th.
+
+O Barbara Alexievna, I am undone--we are both of us undone! Both of
+us are lost beyond recall! Everything is ruined--my reputation, my
+self-respect, all that I have in the world! And you as much as I. Never
+shall we retrieve what we have lost. I--I have brought you to this pass,
+for I have become an outcast, my darling. Everywhere I am laughed at
+and despised. Even my landlady has taken to abusing me. Today she
+overwhelmed me with shrill reproaches, and abased me to the level of a
+hearth-brush. And last night, when I was in Rataziaev's rooms, one of
+his friends began to read a scribbled note which I had written to
+you, and then inadvertently pulled out of my pocket. Oh beloved, what
+laughter there arose at the recital! How those scoundrels mocked and
+derided you and myself! I walked up to them and accused Rataziaev of
+breaking faith. I said that he had played the traitor. But he only
+replied that I had been the betrayer in the case, by indulging in
+various amours. "You have kept them very dark though, Mr. Lovelace!"
+said he--and now I am known everywhere by this name of "Lovelace." They
+know EVERYTHING about us, my darling, EVERYTHING--both about you and
+your affairs and about myself; and when today I was for sending Phaldoni
+to the bakeshop for something or other, he refused to go, saying that
+it was not his business. "But you MUST go," said I. "I will not," he
+replied. "You have not paid my mistress what you owe her, so I am not
+bound to run your errands." At such an insult from a raw peasant I lost
+my temper, and called him a fool; to which he retorted in a similar
+vein. Upon this I thought that he must be drunk, and told him so;
+whereupon he replied: "WHAT say you that I am? Suppose you yourself go
+and sober up, for I know that the other day you went to visit a woman,
+and that you got drunk with her on two grivenniks." To such a pass have
+things come! I feel ashamed to be seen alive. I am, as it were, a man
+proclaimed; I am in a worse plight even than a tramp who has lost his
+passport. How misfortunes are heaping themselves upon me! I am lost--I
+am lost for ever!
+
+M. D.
+
+
+
+
+August 13th.
+
+MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--It is true that misfortune is following
+upon misfortune. I myself scarcely know what to do. Yet, no matter how
+you may be fairing, you must not look for help from me, for only today I
+burned my left hand with the iron! At one and the same moment I dropped
+the iron, made a mistake in my work, and burned myself! So now I can no
+longer work. Also, these three days past, Thedora has been ailing.
+My anxiety is becoming positively torturous. Nevertheless, I send you
+thirty kopecks--almost the last coins that I have left to me, much as I
+should have liked to have helped you more when you are so much in need.
+I feel vexed to the point of weeping. Goodbye, dear friend of mine. You
+will bring me much comfort if only you will come and see me today.
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+August 14th.
+
+What is the matter with you, Makar Alexievitch? Surely you cannot
+fear the Lord God as you ought to do? You are not only driving me to
+distraction but also ruining yourself with this eternal solicitude for
+your reputation. You are a man of honour, nobility of character, and
+self-respect, as everyone knows; yet, at any moment, you are ready to
+die with shame! Surely you should have more consideration for your grey
+hairs. No, the fear of God has departed from you. Thedora has told you
+that it is out of my power to render you anymore help. See, therefore,
+to what a pass you have brought me! Probably you think it is nothing to
+me that you should behave so badly; probably you do not realise what you
+have made me suffer. I dare not set foot on the staircase here, for if
+I do so I am stared at, and pointed at, and spoken about in the most
+horrible manner. Yes, it is even said of me that I am "united to a
+drunkard." What a thing to hear! And whenever you are brought home drunk
+folk say, "They are carrying in that tchinovnik." THAT is not the proper
+way to make me help you. I swear that I MUST leave this place, and go
+and get work as a cook or a laundress. It is impossible for me to stay
+here. Long ago I wrote and asked you to come and see me, yet you have
+not come. Truly my tears and prayers must mean NOTHING to you, Makar
+Alexievitch! Whence, too, did you get the money for your debauchery? For
+the love of God be more careful of yourself, or you will be ruined. How
+shameful, how abominable of you! So the landlady would not admit you
+last night, and you spent the night on the doorstep? Oh, I know all
+about it. Yet if only you could have seen my agony when I heard the
+news!... Come and see me, Makar Alexievitch, and we will once more be
+happy together. Yes, we will read together, and talk of old times, and
+Thedora shall tell you of her pilgrimages in former days. For God's sake
+beloved, do not ruin both yourself and me. I live for you alone; it
+is for your sake alone that I am still here. Be your better self once
+more--the self which still can remain firm in the face of misfortune.
+Poverty is no crime; always remember that. After all, why should we
+despair? Our present difficulties will pass away, and God will right
+us. Only be brave. I send you two grivenniks for the purchase of some
+tobacco or anything else that you need; but, for the love of heaven, do
+not spend the money foolishly. Come you and see me soon; come without
+fail. Perhaps you may be ashamed to meet me, as you were before, but you
+NEED not feel like that--such shame would be misplaced. Only do bring
+with you sincere repentance and trust in God, who orders all things for
+the best.
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+August 19th.
+
+MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,-Yes, I AM ashamed to meet you, my
+darling--I AM ashamed. At the same time, what is there in all this? Why
+should we not be cheerful again? Why should I mind the soles of my feet
+coming through my boots? The sole of one's foot is a mere bagatelle--it
+will never be anything but just a base, dirty sole. And shoes do not
+matter, either. The Greek sages used to walk about without them, so why
+should we coddle ourselves with such things? Yet why, also, should I
+be insulted and despised because of them? Tell Thedora that she is a
+rubbishy, tiresome, gabbling old woman, as well as an inexpressibly
+foolish one. As for my grey hairs, you are quite wrong about them,
+inasmuch as I am not such an old man as you think. Emelia sends you
+his greeting. You write that you are in great distress, and have been
+weeping. Well, I too am in great distress, and have been weeping. Nay,
+nay. I wish you the best of health and happiness, even as I am well and
+happy myself, so long as I may remain, my darling,--Your friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+August 21st.
+
+MY DEAR AND KIND BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I feel that I am guilty, I feel
+that I have sinned against you. Yet also I feel, from what you say, that
+it is no use for me so to feel. Even before I had sinned I felt as I do
+now; but I gave way to despair, and the more so as recognised my fault.
+Darling, I am not cruel or hardhearted. To rend your little soul would
+be the act of a blood-thirsty tiger, whereas I have the heart of a
+sheep. You yourself know that I am not addicted to bloodthirstiness,
+and therefore that I cannot really be guilty of the fault in question,
+seeing that neither my mind nor my heart have participated in it.
+
+Nor can I understand wherein the guilt lies. To me it is all a mystery.
+When you sent me those thirty kopecks, and thereafter those two
+grivenniks, my heart sank within me as I looked at the poor little
+money. To think that though you had burned your hand, and would soon be
+hungry, you could write to me that I was to buy tobacco! What was I to
+do? Remorselessly to rob you, an orphan, as any brigand might do? I
+felt greatly depressed, dearest. That is to say, persuaded that I should
+never do any good with my life, and that I was inferior even to the
+sole of my own boot, I took it into my head that it was absurd for me to
+aspire at all--rather, that I ought to account myself a disgrace and an
+abomination. Once a man has lost his self-respect, and has decided to
+abjure his better qualities and human dignity, he falls headlong, and
+cannot choose but do so. It is decreed of fate, and therefore I am not
+guilty in this respect.
+
+That evening I went out merely to get a breath of fresh air, but one
+thing followed another--the weather was cold, all nature was looking
+mournful, and I had fallen in with Emelia. This man had spent everything
+that he possessed, and, at the time I met him, had not for two days
+tasted a crust of bread. He had tried to raise money by pawning,
+but what articles he had for the purpose had been refused by the
+pawnbrokers. It was more from sympathy for a fellow-man than from any
+liking for the individual that I yielded. That is how the fault arose,
+dearest.
+
+He spoke of you, and I mingled my tears with his. Yes, he is a man
+of kind, kind heart--a man of deep feeling. I often feel as he did,
+dearest, and, in addition, I know how beholden to you I am. As soon as
+ever I got to know you I began both to realise myself and to love you;
+for until you came into my life I had been a lonely man--I had been, as
+it were, asleep rather than alive. In former days my rascally colleagues
+used to tell me that I was unfit even to be seen; in fact, they so
+disliked me that at length I began to dislike myself, for, being
+frequently told that I was stupid, I began to believe that I really was
+so. But the instant that YOU came into my life, you lightened the dark
+places in it, you lightened both my heart and my soul. Gradually, I
+gained rest of spirit, until I had come to see that I was no worse
+than other men, and that, though I had neither style nor brilliancy nor
+polish, I was still a MAN as regards my thoughts and feelings. But now,
+alas! pursued and scorned of fate, I have again allowed myself to abjure
+my own dignity. Oppressed of misfortune, I have lost my courage. Here is
+my confession to you, dearest. With tears I beseech you not to inquire
+further into the matter, for my heart is breaking, and life has grown
+indeed hard and bitter for me--Beloved, I offer you my respect, and
+remain ever your faithful friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+September 3rd.
+
+The reason why I did not finish my last letter, Makar Alexievitch, was
+that I found it so difficult to write. There are moments when I am glad
+to be alone--to grieve and repine without any one to share my sorrow:
+and those moments are beginning to come upon me with ever-increasing
+frequency. Always in my reminiscences I find something which is
+inexplicable, yet strongly attractive--so much so that for hours together
+I remain insensible to my surroundings, oblivious of reality. Indeed,
+in my present life there is not a single impression that I
+encounter--pleasant or the reverse--which does not recall to my mind
+something of a similar nature in the past. More particularly is this the
+case with regard to my childhood, my golden childhood. Yet such moments
+always leave me depressed. They render me weak, and exhaust my powers of
+fancy; with the result that my health, already not good, grows steadily
+worse.
+
+However, this morning it is a fine, fresh, cloudless day, such as we
+seldom get in autumn. The air has revived me and I greet it with joy.
+Yet to think that already the fall of the year has come! How I used
+to love the country in autumn! Then but a child, I was yet a sensitive
+being who loved autumn evenings better than autumn mornings. I remember
+how beside our house, at the foot of a hill, there lay a large pond, and
+how the pond--I can see it even now!--shone with a broad, level surface
+that was as clear as crystal. On still evenings this pond would be at
+rest, and not a rustle would disturb the trees which grew on its banks
+and overhung the motionless expanse of water. How fresh it used to seem,
+yet how cold! The dew would be falling upon the turf, lights would be
+beginning to shine forth from the huts on the pond's margin, and the
+cattle would be wending their way home. Then quietly I would slip out
+of the house to look at my beloved pond, and forget myself in
+contemplation. Here and there a fisherman's bundle of brushwood would be
+burning at the water's edge, and sending its light far and wide over
+the surface. Above, the sky would be of a cold blue colour, save for a
+fringe of flame-coloured streaks on the horizon that kept turning ever
+paler and paler; and when the moon had come out there would be wafted
+through the limpid air the sounds of a frightened bird fluttering, of a
+bulrush rubbing against its fellows in the gentle breeze, and of a fish
+rising with a splash. Over the dark water there would gather a thin,
+transparent mist; and though, in the distance, night would be looming,
+and seemingly enveloping the entire horizon, everything closer at hand
+would be standing out as though shaped with a chisel--banks, boats,
+little islands, and all. Beside the margin a derelict barrel would be
+turning over and over in the water; a switch of laburnum, with yellowing
+leaves, would go meandering through the reeds; and a belated gull
+would flutter up, dive again into the cold depths, rise once more, and
+disappear into the mist. How I would watch and listen to these things!
+How strangely good they all would seem! But I was a mere infant in those
+days--a mere child.
+
+Yes, truly I loved autumn-tide--the late autumn when the crops are
+garnered, and field work is ended, and the evening gatherings in the
+huts have begun, and everyone is awaiting winter. Then does everything
+become more mysterious, the sky frowns with clouds, yellow leaves strew
+the paths at the edge of the naked forest, and the forest itself turns
+black and blue--more especially at eventide when damp fog is spreading
+and the trees glimmer in the depths like giants, like formless, weird
+phantoms. Perhaps one may be out late, and had got separated from one's
+companions. Oh horrors! Suddenly one starts and trembles as one seems to
+see a strange-looking being peering from out of the darkness of a hollow
+tree, while all the while the wind is moaning and rattling and howling
+through the forest--moaning with a hungry sound as it strips the leaves
+from the bare boughs, and whirls them into the air. High over the
+tree-tops, in a widespread, trailing, noisy crew, there fly, with
+resounding cries, flocks of birds which seem to darken and overlay the
+very heavens. Then a strange feeling comes over one, until one seems to
+hear the voice of some one whispering: "Run, run, little child! Do not
+be out late, for this place will soon have become dreadful! Run, little
+child! Run!" And at the words terror will possess one's soul, and one
+will rush and rush until one's breath is spent--until, panting, one has
+reached home.
+
+At home, however, all will look bright and bustling as we children are
+set to shell peas or poppies, and the damp twigs crackle in the stove,
+and our mother comes to look fondly at our work, and our old nurse,
+Iliana, tells us stories of bygone days, or terrible legends concerning
+wizards and dead men. At the recital we little ones will press closer
+to one another, yet smile as we do so; when suddenly, everyone becomes
+silent. Surely somebody has knocked at the door?... But nay, nay; it
+is only the sound of Frolovna's spinning-wheel. What shouts of laughter
+arise! Later one will be unable to sleep for fear of the strange dreams
+which come to visit one; or, if one falls asleep, one will soon wake
+again, and, afraid to stir, lie quaking under the coverlet until dawn.
+And in the morning, one will arise as fresh as a lark and look at the
+window, and see the fields overlaid with hoarfrost, and fine icicles
+hanging from the naked branches, and the pond covered over with ice
+as thin as paper, and a white steam rising from the surface, and birds
+flying overhead with cheerful cries. Next, as the sun rises, he throws
+his glittering beams everywhere, and melts the thin, glassy ice until
+the whole scene has come to look bright and clear and exhilarating; and
+as the fire begins to crackle again in the stove, we sit down to the
+tea-urn, while, chilled with the night cold, our black dog, Polkan, will
+look in at us through the window, and wag his tail with a cheerful air.
+Presently, a peasant will pass the window in his cart bound for
+the forest to cut firewood, and the whole party will feel merry and
+contented together. Abundant grain lies stored in the byres, and
+great stacks of wheat are glowing comfortably in the morning sunlight.
+Everyone is quiet and happy, for God has blessed us with a bounteous
+harvest, and we know that there will be abundance of food for the
+wintertide. Yes, the peasant may rest assured that his family will not
+want for aught. Song and dance will arise at night from the village
+girls, and on festival days everyone will repair to God's house to thank
+Him with grateful tears for what He has done.... Ah, a golden time was
+my time of childhood!...
+
+Carried away by these memories, I could weep like a child. Everything,
+everything comes back so clearly to my recollection! The past stands out
+so vividly before me! Yet in the present everything looks dim and dark!
+How will it all end?--how? Do you know, I have a feeling, a sort of
+sure premonition, that I am going to die this coming autumn; for I feel
+terribly, oh so terribly ill! Often do I think of death, yet feel that
+I should not like to die here and be laid to rest in the soil of St.
+Petersburg. Once more I have had to take to my bed, as I did last
+spring, for I have never really recovered. Indeed I feel so depressed!
+Thedora has gone out for the day, and I am alone. For a long while past
+I have been afraid to be left by myself, for I keep fancying that there
+is someone else in the room, and that that someone is speaking to me.
+Especially do I fancy this when I have gone off into a reverie, and then
+suddenly awoken from it, and am feeling bewildered. That is why I have
+made this letter such a long one; for, when I am writing, the mood
+passes away. Goodbye. I have neither time nor paper left for more, and
+must close. Of the money which I saved to buy a new dress and hat, there
+remains but a single rouble; but, I am glad that you have been able to
+pay your landlady two roubles, for they will keep her tongue quiet for a
+time. And you must repair your wardrobe.
+
+Goodbye once more. I am so tired! Nor can I think why I am growing so
+weak--why it is that even the smallest task now wearies me? Even if work
+should come my way, how am I to do it? That is what worries me above all
+things.
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+September 5th.
+
+MY BELOVED BARBARA,--Today I have undergone a variety of experiences. In
+the first place, my head has been aching, and towards evening I went out
+to get a breath of fresh air along the Fontanka Canal. The weather was
+dull and damp, and even by six o'clock, darkness had begun to set in.
+True, rain was not actually falling, but only a mist like rain, while
+the sky was streaked with masses of trailing cloud. Crowds of people
+were hurrying along Naberezhnaia Street, with faces that looked strange
+and dejected. There were drunken peasants; snub-nosed old harridans in
+slippers; bareheaded artisans; cab drivers; every species of beggar;
+boys; a locksmith's apprentice in a striped smock, with lean, emaciated
+features which seemed to have been washed in rancid oil; an ex-soldier
+who was offering penknives and copper rings for sale; and so on, and
+so on. It was the hour when one would expect to meet no other folk than
+these. And what a quantity of boats there were on the canal. It made
+one wonder how they could all find room there. On every bridge were
+old women selling damp gingerbread or withered apples, and every woman
+looked as damp and dirty as her wares. In short, the Fontanka is a
+saddening spot for a walk, for there is wet granite under one's feet,
+and tall, dingy buildings on either side of one, and wet mist below and
+wet mist above. Yes, all was dark and gloomy there this evening.
+
+By the time I had returned to Gorokhovaia Street darkness had fallen
+and the lamps had been lit. However, I did not linger long in that
+particular spot, for Gorokhovaia Street is too noisy a place. But
+what sumptuous shops and stores it contains! Everything sparkles and
+glitters, and the windows are full of nothing but bright colours and
+materials and hats of different shapes. One might think that they were
+decked merely for display; but no,--people buy these things, and give
+them to their wives! Yes, it IS a sumptuous place. Hordes of German
+hucksters are there, as well as quite respectable traders. And the
+quantities of carriages which pass along the street! One marvels that
+the pavement can support so many splendid vehicles, with windows like
+crystal, linings made of silk and velvet, and lacqueys dressed in
+epaulets and wearing swords! Into some of them I glanced, and saw that
+they contained ladies of various ages. Perhaps they were princesses and
+countesses! Probably at that hour such folk would be hastening to balls
+and other gatherings. In fact, it was interesting to be able to look so
+closely at a princess or a great lady. They were all very fine. At
+all events, I had never before seen such persons as I beheld in those
+carriages....
+
+Then I thought of you. Ah, my own, my darling, it is often that I think
+of you and feel my heart sink. How is it that YOU are so unfortunate,
+Barbara? How is it that YOU are so much worse off than other people? In
+my eyes you are kind-hearted, beautiful, and clever--why, then, has
+such an evil fate fallen to your lot? How comes it that you are left
+desolate--you, so good a human being! While to others happiness comes
+without an invitation at all? Yes, I know--I know it well--that I ought
+not to say it, for to do so savours of free-thought; but why should that
+raven, Fate, croak out upon the fortunes of one person while she is yet
+in her mother's womb, while another person it permits to go forth in
+happiness from the home which has reared her? To even an idiot of
+an Ivanushka such happiness is sometimes granted. "You, you fool
+Ivanushka," says Fate, "shall succeed to your grandfather's money-bags,
+and eat, drink, and be merry; whereas YOU (such and such another one)
+shall do no more than lick the dish, since that is all that you are
+good for." Yes, I know that it is wrong to hold such opinions, but
+involuntarily the sin of so doing grows upon one's soul. Nevertheless,
+it is you, my darling, who ought to be riding in one of those carriages.
+Generals would have come seeking your favour, and, instead of being
+clad in a humble cotton dress, you would have been walking in silken
+and golden attire. Then you would not have been thin and wan as now,
+but fresh and plump and rosy-cheeked as a figure on a sugar-cake. Then
+should I too have been happy--happy if only I could look at your lighted
+windows from the street, and watch your shadow--happy if only I could
+think that you were well and happy, my sweet little bird! Yet how are
+things in reality? Not only have evil folk brought you to ruin, but
+there comes also an old rascal of a libertine to insult you! Just
+because he struts about in a frockcoat, and can ogle you through a
+gold-mounted lorgnette, the brute thinks that everything will fall into
+his hands--that you are bound to listen to his insulting condescension!
+Out upon him! But why is this? It is because you are an orphan, it is
+because you are unprotected, it is because you have no powerful friend
+to afford you the decent support which is your due. WHAT do such facts
+matter to a man or to men to whom the insulting of an orphan is an
+offence allowed? Such fellows are not men at all, but mere vermin, no
+matter what they think themselves to be. Of that I am certain. Why,
+an organ-grinder whom I met in Gorokhovaia Street would inspire more
+respect than they do, for at least he walks about all day, and suffers
+hunger--at least he looks for a stray, superfluous groat to earn him
+subsistence, and is, therefore, a true gentleman, in that he supports
+himself. To beg alms he would be ashamed; and, moreover, he works for
+the benefit of mankind just as does a factory machine. "So far as in me
+lies," says he, "I will give you pleasure." True, he is a pauper, and
+nothing but a pauper; but, at least he is an HONOURABLE pauper. Though
+tired and hungry, he still goes on working--working in his own peculiar
+fashion, yet still doing honest labour. Yes, many a decent fellow whose
+labour may be disproportionate to its utility pulls the forelock to no
+one, and begs his bread of no one. I myself resemble that organ-grinder.
+That is to say, though not exactly he, I resemble him in this respect,
+that I work according to my capabilities, and so far as in me lies. More
+could be asked of no one; nor ought I to be adjudged to do more.
+
+Apropos of the organ-grinder, I may tell you, dearest, that today
+I experienced a double misfortune. As I was looking at the grinder,
+certain thoughts entered my head and I stood wrapped in a reverie. Some
+cabmen also had halted at the spot, as well as a young girl, with a
+yet smaller girl who was dressed in rags and tatters. These people had
+halted there to listen to the organ-grinder, who was playing in front
+of some one's windows. Next, I caught sight of a little urchin of about
+ten--a boy who would have been good-looking but for the fact that his
+face was pinched and sickly. Almost barefooted, and clad only in a
+shirt, he was standing agape to listen to the music--a pitiful childish
+figure. Nearer to the grinder a few more urchins were dancing, but
+in the case of this lad his hands and feet looked numbed, and he kept
+biting the end of his sleeve and shivering. Also, I noticed that in his
+hands he had a paper of some sort. Presently a gentleman came by, and
+tossed the grinder a small coin, which fell straight into a box adorned
+with a representation of a Frenchman and some ladies. The instant he
+heard the rattle of the coin, the boy started, looked timidly round, and
+evidently made up his mind that I had thrown the money; whereupon, he
+ran to me with his little hands all shaking, and said in a tremulous
+voice as he proffered me his paper: "Pl-please sign this." I turned over
+the paper, and saw that there was written on it what is usual under
+such circumstances. "Kind friends I am a sick mother with three hungry
+children. Pray help me. Though soon I shall be dead, yet, if you will
+not forget my little ones in this world, neither will I forget you in
+the world that is to come." The thing seemed clear enough; it was a
+matter of life and death. Yet what was I to give the lad? Well, I gave
+him nothing. But my heart ached for him. I am certain that, shivering
+with cold though he was, and perhaps hungry, the poor lad was not lying.
+No, no, he was not lying.
+
+The shameful point is that so many mothers take no care of their
+children, but send them out, half-clad, into the cold. Perhaps this
+lad's mother also was a feckless old woman, and devoid of character? Or
+perhaps she had no one to work for her, but was forced to sit with her
+legs crossed--a veritable invalid? Or perhaps she was just an old rogue
+who was in the habit of sending out pinched and hungry boys to deceive
+the public? What would such a boy learn from begging letters? His heart
+would soon be rendered callous, for, as he ran about begging, people
+would pass him by and give him nothing. Yes, their hearts would be as
+stone, and their replies rough and harsh. "Away with you!" they would
+say. "You are seeking but to trick us." He would hear that from every
+one, and his heart would grow hard, and he would shiver in vain with the
+cold, like some poor little fledgling that has fallen out of the
+nest. His hands and feet would be freezing, and his breath coming with
+difficulty; until, look you, he would begin to cough, and disease, like
+an unclean parasite, would worm its way into his breast until death
+itself had overtaken him--overtaken him in some foetid corner whence
+there was no chance of escape. Yes, that is what his life would become.
+
+There are many such cases. Ah, Barbara, it is hard to hear "For Christ's
+sake!" and yet pass the suppliant by and give nothing, or say merely:
+"May the Lord give unto you!" Of course, SOME supplications mean
+nothing (for supplications differ greatly in character). Occasionally
+supplications are long, drawn-out and drawling, stereotyped and
+mechanical--they are purely begging supplications. Requests of this kind
+it is less hard to refuse, for they are purely professional and of long
+standing. "The beggar is overdoing it," one thinks to oneself. "He knows
+the trick too well." But there are other supplications which voice a
+strange, hoarse, unaccustomed note, like that today when I took the poor
+boy's paper. He had been standing by the kerbstone without speaking to
+anybody--save that at last to myself he said, "For the love of Christ
+give me a groat!" in a voice so hoarse and broken that I started, and
+felt a queer sensation in my heart, although I did not give him a groat.
+Indeed, I had not a groat on me. Rich folk dislike hearing poor people
+complain of their poverty. "They disturb us," they say, "and are
+impertinent as well. Why should poverty be so impertinent? Why should
+its hungry moans prevent us from sleeping?"
+
+To tell you the truth, my darling, I have written the foregoing not
+merely to relieve my feelings, but, also, still more, to give you an
+example of the excellent style in which I can write. You yourself will
+recognise that my style was formed long ago, but of late such fits of
+despondency have seized upon me that my style has begun to correspond
+to my feelings; and though I know that such correspondence gains one
+little, it at least renders one a certain justice. For not unfrequently
+it happens that, for some reason or another, one feels abased, and
+inclined to value oneself at nothing, and to account oneself lower than
+a dishclout; but this merely arises from the fact that at the time one
+is feeling harassed and depressed, like the poor boy who today asked of
+me alms. Let me tell you an allegory, dearest, and do you hearken to it.
+Often, as I hasten to the office in the morning, I look around me at
+the city--I watch it awaking, getting out of bed, lighting its fires,
+cooking its breakfast, and becoming vocal; and at the sight, I begin to
+feel smaller, as though some one had dealt me a rap on my inquisitive
+nose. Yes, at such times I slink along with a sense of utter humiliation
+in my heart. For one would have but to see what is passing within those
+great, black, grimy houses of the capital, and to penetrate within
+their walls, for one at once to realise what good reason there is for
+self-depredation and heart-searching. Of course, you will note that I am
+speaking figuratively rather than literally.
+
+Let us look at what is passing within those houses. In some dingy
+corner, perhaps, in some damp kennel which is supposed to be a room, an
+artisan has just awakened from sleep. All night he has dreamt--IF such
+an insignificant fellow is capable of dreaming?--about the shoes which
+last night he mechanically cut out. He is a master-shoemaker, you see,
+and therefore able to think of nothing but his one subject of interest.
+Nearby are some squalling children and a hungry wife. Nor is he the
+only man that has to greet the day in this fashion. Indeed, the incident
+would be nothing--it would not be worth writing about, save for another
+circumstance. In that same house ANOTHER person--a person of great
+wealth-may also have been dreaming of shoes; but, of shoes of a
+very different pattern and fashion (in a manner of speaking, if you
+understand my metaphor, we are all of us shoemakers). This, again, would
+be nothing, were it not that the rich person has no one to whisper in
+his ear: "Why dost thou think of such things? Why dost thou think of
+thyself alone, and live only for thyself--thou who art not a shoemaker?
+THY children are not ailing. THY wife is not hungry. Look around thee.
+Can'st thou not find a subject more fitting for thy thoughts than thy
+shoes?" That is what I want to say to you in allegorical language,
+Barbara. Maybe it savours a little of free-thought, dearest; but, such
+ideas WILL keep arising in my mind and finding utterance in impetuous
+speech. Why, therefore, should one not value oneself at a groat as one
+listens in fear and trembling to the roar and turmoil of the city? Maybe
+you think that I am exaggerating things--that this is a mere whim of
+mine, or that I am quoting from a book? No, no, Barbara. You may rest
+assured that it is not so. Exaggeration I abhor, with whims I have
+nothing to do, and of quotation I am guiltless.
+
+I arrived home today in a melancholy mood. Sitting down to the table, I
+had warmed myself some tea, and was about to drink a second glass of it,
+when there entered Gorshkov, the poor lodger. Already, this morning,
+I had noticed that he was hovering around the other lodgers, and also
+seeming to want to speak to myself. In passing I may say that his
+circumstances are infinitely worse than my own; for, only think of it,
+he has a wife and children! Indeed, if I were he, I do not know what
+I should do. Well, he entered my room, and bowed to me with the pus
+standing, as usual, in drops on his eyelashes, his feet shuffling about,
+and his tongue unable, at first, to articulate a word. I motioned him to
+a chair (it was a dilapidated enough one, but I had no other), and asked
+him to have a glass of tea. To this he demurred--for quite a long time
+he demurred, but at length he accepted the offer. Next, he was for
+drinking the tea without sugar, and renewed his excuses, but upon
+the sugar I insisted. After long resistance and many refusals, he DID
+consent to take some, but only the smallest possible lump; after which,
+he assured me that his tea was perfectly sweet. To what depths of
+humility can poverty reduce a man! "Well, what is it, my good sir?" I
+inquired of him; whereupon he replied: "It is this, Makar Alexievitch.
+You have once before been my benefactor. Pray again show me the charity
+of God, and assist my unfortunate family. My wife and children have
+nothing to eat. To think that a father should have to say this!" I was
+about to speak again when he interrupted me. "You see," he continued,
+"I am afraid of the other lodgers here. That is to say, I am not so much
+afraid of, as ashamed to address them, for they are a proud, conceited
+lot of men. Nor would I have troubled even you, my friend and former
+benefactor, were it not that I know that you yourself have experienced
+misfortune and are in debt; wherefore, I have ventured to come and make
+this request of you, in that I know you not only to be kind-hearted, but
+also to be in need, and for that reason the more likely to sympathise
+with me in my distress." To this he added an apology for his awkwardness
+and presumption. I replied that, glad though I should have been to
+serve him, I had nothing, absolutely nothing, at my disposal. "Ah, Makar
+Alexievitch," he went on, "surely it is not much that I am asking of
+you? My-my wife and children are starving. C-could you not afford me
+just a grivennik?" At that my heart contracted, "How these people put me
+to shame!" thought I. But I had only twenty kopecks left, and upon them
+I had been counting for meeting my most pressing requirements. "No, good
+sir, I cannot," said I. "Well, what you will," he persisted. "Perhaps
+ten kopecks?" Well I got out my cash-box, and gave him the twenty. It
+was a good deed. To think that such poverty should exist! Then I had
+some further talk with him. "How is it," I asked him, "that, though you
+are in such straits, you have hired a room at five roubles?" He replied
+that though, when he engaged the room six months ago, he paid three
+months' rent in advance, his affairs had subsequently turned out badly,
+and never righted themselves since. You see, Barbara, he was sued at
+law by a merchant who had defrauded the Treasury in the matter of a
+contract. When the fraud was discovered the merchant was prosecuted, but
+the transactions in which he had engaged involved Gorshkov, although
+the latter had been guilty only of negligence, want of prudence, and
+culpable indifference to the Treasury's interests. True, the affair had
+taken place some years ago, but various obstacles had since combined
+to thwart Gorshkov. "Of the disgrace put upon me," said he to me, "I am
+innocent. True, I to a certain extent disobeyed orders, but never did
+I commit theft or embezzlement." Nevertheless the affair lost him
+his character. He was dismissed the service, and though not adjudged
+capitally guilty, has been unable since to recover from the merchant a
+large sum of money which is his by right, as spared to him (Gorshkov)
+by the legal tribunal. True, the tribunal in question did not altogether
+believe in Gorshkov, but I do so. The matter is of a nature so complex
+and crooked that probably a hundred years would be insufficient to
+unravel it; and, though it has now to a certain extent been cleared up,
+the merchant still holds the key to the situation. Personally I side
+with Gorshkov, and am very sorry for him. Though lacking a post of any
+kind, he still refuses to despair, though his resources are completely
+exhausted. Yes, it is a tangled affair, and meanwhile he must live, for,
+unfortunately, another child which has been born to him has entailed
+upon the family fresh expenses. Also, another of his children recently
+fell ill and died--which meant yet further expense. Lastly, not only is
+his wife in bad health, but he himself is suffering from a complaint of
+long standing. In short, he has had a very great deal to undergo. Yet he
+declares that daily he expects a favourable issue to his affair--that he
+has no doubt of it whatever. I am terribly sorry for him, and said what
+I could to give him comfort, for he is a man who has been much bullied
+and misled. He had come to me for protection from his troubles, so I did
+my best to soothe him. Now, goodbye, my darling. May Christ watch over
+you and preserve your health. Dearest one, even to think of you is like
+medicine to my ailing soul. Though I suffer for you, I at least suffer
+gladly.--Your true friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+September 9th.
+
+MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I am beside myself as I take up my pen,
+for a most terrible thing has happened. My head is whirling round. Ah,
+beloved, how am I to tell you about it all? I had never foreseen what
+has happened. But no--I cannot say that I had NEVER foreseen it, for my
+mind DID get an inkling of what was coming, through my seeing something
+very similar to it in a dream.
+
+I will tell you the whole story--simply, and as God may put it into my
+heart. Today I went to the office as usual, and, upon arrival, sat down
+to write. You must know that I had been engaged on the same sort of
+work yesterday, and that, while executing it, I had been approached by
+Timothei Ivanovitch with an urgent request for a particular document.
+"Makar Alexievitch," he had said, "pray copy this out for me. Copy it
+as quickly and as carefully as you can, for it will require to be signed
+today." Also let me tell you, dearest, that yesterday I had not been
+feeling myself, nor able to look at anything. I had been troubled with
+grave depression--my breast had felt chilled, and my head clouded. All
+the while I had been thinking of you, my darling. Well, I set to work
+upon the copying, and executed it cleanly and well, except for the
+fact that, whether the devil confused my mind, or a mysterious fate so
+ordained, or the occurrence was simply bound to happen, I left out a
+whole line of the document, and thus made nonsense of it! The work had
+been given me too late for signature last night, so it went before his
+Excellency this morning. I reached the office at my usual hour, and sat
+down beside Emelia Ivanovitch. Here I may remark that for a long time
+past I have been feeling twice as shy and diffident as I used to do; I
+have been finding it impossible to look people in the face. Let only
+a chair creak, and I become more dead than alive. Today, therefore, I
+crept humbly to my seat and sat down in such a crouching posture that
+Efim Akimovitch (the most touchy man in the world) said to me sotto
+voce: "What on earth makes you sit like that, Makar Alexievitch?" Then
+he pulled such a grimace that everyone near us rocked with laughter at
+my expense. I stopped my ears, frowned, and sat without moving, for I
+found this the best method of putting a stop to such merriment. All at
+once I heard a bustle and a commotion and the sound of someone running
+towards us. Did my ears deceive me? It was I who was being summoned in
+peremptory tones! My heart started to tremble within me, though I could
+not say why. I only know that never in my life before had it trembled
+as it did then. Still I clung to my chair--and at that moment was hardly
+myself at all. The voices were coming nearer and nearer, until they were
+shouting in my ear: "Dievushkin! Dievushkin! Where is Dievushkin?" Then
+at length I raised my eyes, and saw before me Evstafi Ivanovitch. He
+said to me: "Makar Alexievitch, go at once to his Excellency. You have
+made a mistake in a document." That was all, but it was enough, was
+it not? I felt dead and cold as ice--I felt absolutely deprived of the
+power of sensation; but, I rose from my seat and went whither I had
+been bidden. Through one room, through two rooms, through three rooms I
+passed, until I was conducted into his Excellency's cabinet itself. Of
+my thoughts at that moment I can give no exact account. I merely saw his
+Excellency standing before me, with a knot of people around him. I have
+an idea that I did not salute him--that I forgot to do so. Indeed,
+so panic-stricken was I, that my teeth were chattering and my knees
+knocking together. In the first place, I was greatly ashamed of my
+appearance (a glance into a mirror on the right had frightened me with
+the reflection of myself that it presented), and, in the second place, I
+had always been accustomed to comport myself as though no such person
+as I existed. Probably his Excellency had never before known that I was
+even alive. Of course, he might have heard, in passing, that there was
+a man named Dievushkin in his department; but never for a moment had he
+had any intercourse with me.
+
+He began angrily: "What is this you have done, sir? Why are you not
+more careful? The document was wanted in a hurry, and you have gone
+and spoiled it. What do you think of it?"--the last being addressed
+to Evstafi Ivanovitch. More I did not hear, except for some flying
+exclamations of "What negligence and carelessness! How awkward this is!"
+and so on. I opened my mouth to say something or other; I tried to
+beg pardon, but could not. To attempt to leave the room, I had not
+the hardihood. Then there happened something the recollection of which
+causes the pen to tremble in my hand with shame. A button of mine--the
+devil take it!--a button of mine that was hanging by a single thread
+suddenly broke off, and hopped and skipped and rattled and rolled until
+it had reached the feet of his Excellency himself--this amid a profound
+general silence! THAT was what came of my intended self-justification
+and plea for mercy! THAT was the only answer that I had to return to my
+chief!
+
+The sequel I shudder to relate. At once his Excellency's attention
+became drawn to my figure and costume. I remembered what I had seen
+in the mirror, and hastened to pursue the button. Obstinacy of a sort
+seized upon me, and I did my best to arrest the thing, but it slipped
+away, and kept turning over and over, so that I could not grasp it, and
+made a sad spectacle of myself with my awkwardness. Then there came over
+me a feeling that my last remaining strength was about to leave me, and
+that all, all was lost--reputation, manhood, everything! In both ears I
+seemed to hear the voices of Theresa and Phaldoni. At length, however, I
+grasped the button, and, raising and straightening myself, stood humbly
+with clasped hands--looking a veritable fool! But no. First of all I
+tried to attach the button to the ragged threads, and smiled each time
+that it broke away from them, and smiled again. In the beginning his
+Excellency had turned away, but now he threw me another glance, and I
+heard him say to Evstafi Ivanovitch: "What on earth is the matter with
+the fellow? Look at the figure he cuts! Who to God is he?" Ah, beloved,
+only to hear that, "Who to God is he?" Truly I had made myself a marked
+man! In reply to his Excellency Evstafi murmured: "He is no one of any
+note, though his character is good. Besides, his salary is sufficient as
+the scale goes." "Very well, then; but help him out of his difficulties
+somehow," said his Excellency. "Give him a trifle of salary in advance."
+"It is all forestalled," was the reply. "He drew it some time ago. But
+his record is good. There is nothing against him." At this I felt as
+though I were in Hell fire. I could actually have died! "Well, well,"
+said his Excellency, "let him copy out the document a second time.
+Dievushkin, come here. You are to make another copy of this paper, and
+to make it as quickly as possible." With that he turned to some
+other officials present, issued to them a few orders, and the company
+dispersed. No sooner had they done so than his Excellency hurriedly
+pulled out a pocket-book, took thence a note for a hundred roubles, and,
+with the words, "Take this. It is as much as I can afford. Treat it as
+you like," placed the money in my hand! At this, dearest, I started
+and trembled, for I was moved to my very soul. What next I did I hardly
+know, except that I know that I seized his Excellency by the hand.
+But he only grew very red, and then--no, I am not departing by a
+hair's-breadth from the truth--it is true--that he took this unworthy
+hand in his, and shook it! Yes, he took this hand of mine in his, and
+shook it, as though I had been his equal, as though I had been a general
+like himself! "Go now," he said. "This is all that I can do for you.
+Make no further mistakes, and I will overlook your fault."
+
+What I think about it is this: I beg of you and of Thedora, and had
+I any children I should beg of them also, to pray ever to God for his
+Excellency. I should say to my children: "For your father you need not
+pray; but for his Excellency, I bid you pray until your lives shall
+end." Yes, dear one--I tell you this in all solemnity, so hearken well
+unto my words--that though, during these cruel days of our adversity,
+I have nearly died of distress of soul at the sight of you and your
+poverty, as well as at the sight of myself and my abasement and
+helplessness, I yet care less for the hundred roubles which his
+Excellency has given me than for the fact that he was good enough to
+take the hand of a wretched drunkard in his own and press it. By that
+act he restored me to myself. By that act he revived my courage, he made
+life forever sweet to me.... Yes, sure am I that, sinner though I be
+before the Almighty, my prayers for the happiness and prosperity of his
+Excellency will yet ascend to the Heavenly Throne!...
+
+But, my darling, for the moment I am terribly agitated and distraught.
+My heart is beating as though it would burst my breast, and all my body
+seems weak.... I send you forty-five roubles in notes. Another twenty
+I shall give to my landlady, and the remaining thirty-five I shall
+keep--twenty for new clothes and fifteen for actual living expenses. But
+these experiences of the morning have shaken me to the core, and I
+must rest awhile. It is quiet, very quiet, here. My breath is coming in
+jerks--deep down in my breast I can hear it sobbing and trembling....
+I will come and see you soon, but at the moment my head is aching with
+these various sensations. God sees all things, my darling, my priceless
+treasure!--Your steadfast friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+September 10th.
+
+MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--I am unspeakably rejoiced at your good
+fortune, and fully appreciate the kindness of your superior. Now, take
+a rest from your cares. Only do not AGAIN spend money to no advantage.
+Live as quietly and as frugally as possible, and from today begin always
+to set aside something, lest misfortune again overtake you. Do not, for
+God's sake, worry yourself--Thedora and I will get on somehow. Why have
+you sent me so much money? I really do not need it--what I had already
+would have been quite sufficient. True, I shall soon be needing further
+funds if I am to leave these lodgings, but Thedora is hoping before long
+to receive repayment of an old debt. Of course, at least TWENTY roubles
+will have to be set aside for indispensable requirements, but the
+remainder shall be returned to you. Pray take care of it, Makar
+Alexievitch. Now, goodbye. May your life continue peacefully, and may
+you preserve your health and spirits. I would have written to you at
+greater length had I not felt so terribly weary. Yesterday I never left
+my bed. I am glad that you have promised to come and see me. Yes, you
+MUST pay me a visit.
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+September 11th.
+
+MY DARLING BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I implore you not to leave me now that
+I am once more happy and contented. Disregard what Thedora says, and I
+will do anything in the world for you. I will behave myself better, even
+if only out of respect for his Excellency, and guard my every action.
+Once more we will exchange cheerful letters with one another, and make
+mutual confidence of our thoughts and joys and sorrows (if so be that
+we shall know any more sorrows?). Yes, we will live twice as happily
+and comfortably as of old. Also, we will exchange books.... Angel of my
+heart, a great change has taken place in my fortunes--a change very much
+for the better. My landlady has become more accommodating; Theresa has
+recovered her senses; even Phaldoni springs to do my bidding. Likewise,
+I have made my peace with Rataziaev. He came to see me of his own
+accord, the moment that he heard the glad tidings. There can be no doubt
+that he is a good fellow, that there is no truth in the slanders that
+one hears of him. For one thing, I have discovered that he never had
+any intention of putting me and yourself into a book. This he told me
+himself, and then read to me his latest work. As for his calling me
+"Lovelace," he had intended no rudeness or indecency thereby. The term
+is merely one of foreign derivation, meaning a clever fellow, or, in
+more literary and elegant language, a gentleman with whom one must
+reckon. That is all; it was a mere harmless jest, my beloved. Only
+ignorance made me lose my temper, and I have expressed to him my
+regret.... How beautiful is the weather today, my little Barbara! True,
+there was a slight frost in the early morning, as though scattered
+through a sieve, but it was nothing, and the breeze soon freshened the
+air. I went out to buy some shoes, and obtained a splendid pair. Then,
+after a stroll along the Nevski Prospect, I read "The Daily Bee". This
+reminds me that I have forgotten to tell you the most important thing of
+all. It happened like this:
+
+This morning I had a talk with Emelia Ivanovitch and Aksenti
+Michaelovitch concerning his Excellency. Apparently, I am not the only
+person to whom he has acted kindly and been charitable, for he is known
+to the whole world for his goodness of heart. In many quarters his
+praises are to be heard; in many quarters he has called forth tears
+of gratitude. Among other things, he undertook the care of an orphaned
+girl, and married her to an official, the son of a poor widow, and found
+this man place in a certain chancellory, and in other ways benefited
+him. Well, dearest, I considered it to be my duty to add my mite by
+publishing abroad the story of his Excellency's gracious treatment of
+myself. Accordingly, I related the whole occurrence to my interlocutors,
+and concealed not a single detail. In fact, I put my pride into my
+pocket--though why should I feel ashamed of having been elated by such
+an occurrence? "Let it only be noised afield," said I to myself, and it
+will resound greatly to his Excellency's credit.--So I expressed myself
+enthusiastically on the subject and never faltered. On the contrary,
+I felt proud to have such a story to tell. I referred to every one
+concerned (except to yourself, of course, dearest)--to my landlady, to
+Phaldoni, to Rataziaev, to Markov. I even mentioned the matter of my
+shoes! Some of those standing by laughed--in fact every one present did
+so, but probably it was my own figure or the incident of my shoes--more
+particularly the latter--that excited merriment, for I am sure it was
+not meant ill-naturedly. My hearers may have been young men, or well
+off; certainly they cannot have been laughing with evil intent at what
+I had said. Anything against his Excellency CANNOT have been in their
+thoughts. Eh, Barbara?
+
+Even now I cannot wholly collect my faculties, so upset am I by recent
+events.... Have you any fuel to go on with, Barbara? You must not expose
+yourself to cold. Also, you have depressed my spirits with your fears
+for the future. Daily I pray to God on your behalf. Ah, HOW I pray
+to Him!... Likewise, have you any woollen stockings to wear, and warm
+clothes generally? Mind you, if there is anything you need, you must
+not hurt an old man's feelings by failing to apply to him for what you
+require. The bad times are gone now, and the future is looking bright
+and fair.
+
+But what bad times they were, Barbara, even though they be gone, and
+can no longer matter! As the years pass on we shall gradually recover
+ourselves. How clearly I remember my youth! In those days I never had
+a kopeck to spare. Yet, cold and hungry though I was, I was always
+light-hearted. In the morning I would walk the Nevski Prospect, and meet
+nice-looking people, and be happy all day. Yes, it was a glorious, a
+glorious time! It was good to be alive, especially in St. Petersburg.
+Yet it is but yesterday that I was beseeching God with tears to pardon
+me my sins during the late sorrowful period--to pardon me my murmurings
+and evil thoughts and gambling and drunkenness. And you I remembered in
+my prayers, for you alone have encouraged and comforted me, you alone
+have given me advice and instruction. I shall never forget that,
+dearest. Today I gave each one of your letters a kiss.... Goodbye,
+beloved. I have been told that there is going to be a sale of clothing
+somewhere in this neighbourhood. Once more goodbye, goodbye, my
+angel--Yours in heart and soul,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+September 15th.
+
+MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--I am in terrible distress. I feel sure
+that something is about to happen. The matter, my beloved friend, is
+that Monsieur Bwikov is again in St. Petersburg, for Thedora has met
+him. He was driving along in a drozhki, but, on meeting Thedora, he
+ordered the coachman to stop, sprang out, and inquired of her where she
+was living; but this she would not tell him. Next, he said with a
+smile that he knew quite well who was living with her (evidently Anna
+Thedorovna had told him); whereupon Thedora could hold out no longer,
+but then and there, in the street, railed at and abused him--telling him
+that he was an immoral man, and the cause of all my misfortunes. To
+this he replied that a person who did not possess a groat must surely be
+rather badly off; to which Thedora retorted that I could always either
+live by the labour of my hands or marry--that it was not so much a
+question of my losing posts as of my losing my happiness, the ruin of
+which had led almost to my death. In reply he observed that, though
+I was still quite young, I seemed to have lost my wits, and that my
+"virtue appeared to be under a cloud" (I quote his exact words). Both
+I and Thedora had thought that he does not know where I live; but,
+last night, just as I had left the house to make a few purchases in the
+Gostinni Dvor, he appeared at our rooms (evidently he had not wanted to
+find me at home), and put many questions to Thedora concerning our way
+of living. Then, after inspecting my work, he wound up with: "Who is
+this tchinovnik friend of yours?" At the moment you happened to be
+passing through the courtyard, so Thedora pointed you out, and the man
+peered at you, and laughed. Thedora next asked him to depart--telling
+him that I was still ill from grief, and that it would give me great
+pain to see him there; to which, after a pause, he replied that he had
+come because he had had nothing better to do. Also, he was for giving
+Thedora twenty-five roubles, but, of course, she declined them. What
+does it all mean? Why has he paid this visit? I cannot understand his
+getting to know about me. I am lost in conjecture. Thedora, however,
+says that Aksinia, her sister-in-law (who sometimes comes to see her),
+is acquainted with a laundress named Nastasia, and that this woman has
+a cousin in the position of watchman to a department of which a certain
+friend of Anna Thedorovna's nephew forms one of the staff. Can it be,
+therefore, that an intrigue has been hatched through THIS channel? But
+Thedora may be entirely mistaken. We hardly know what to think. What if
+he should come again? The very thought terrifies me. When Thedora told
+me of this last night such terror seized upon me that I almost swooned
+away. What can the man be wanting? At all events, I refuse to know such
+people. What have they to do with my wretched self? Ah, how I am haunted
+with anxiety, for every moment I keep thinking that Bwikov is at hand!
+WHAT will become of me? WHAT MORE has fate in store for me? For Christ's
+sake come and see me, Makar Alexievitch! For Christ's sake come and see
+me soon!
+
+
+
+
+September 18th.
+
+MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--Today there took place in this house
+a most lamentable, a most mysterious, a most unlooked-for occurrence.
+First of all, let me tell you that poor Gorshkov has been entirely
+absolved of guilt. The decision has been long in coming, but this
+morning he went to hear the final resolution read. It was entirely in
+his favour. Any culpability which had been imputed to him for negligence
+and irregularity was removed by the resolution. Likewise, he was
+authorised to recover of the merchant a large sum of money. Thus, he
+stands entirely justified, and has had his character cleansed from
+all stain. In short, he could not have wished for a more complete
+vindication. When he arrived home at three o'clock he was looking as
+white as a sheet, and his lips were quivering. Yet there was a smile on
+his face as he embraced his wife and children. In a body the rest of us
+ran to congratulate him, and he was greatly moved by the act. Bowing to
+us, he pressed our hands in turn. As he did so I thought, somehow, that
+he seemed to have grown taller and straighter, and that the pus-drops
+seemed to have disappeared from his eyelashes. Yet how agitated he was,
+poor fellow! He could not rest quietly for two minutes together, but
+kept picking up and then dropping whatsoever came to his hand, and
+bowing and smiling without intermission, and sitting down and getting
+up, and again sitting down, and chattering God only knows what about his
+honour and his good name and his little ones. How he did talk--yes, and
+weep too! Indeed, few of ourselves could refrain from tears; although
+Rataziaev remarked (probably to encourage Gorshkov) that honour mattered
+nothing when one had nothing to eat, and that money was the chief thing
+in the world, and that for it alone ought God to be thanked. Then he
+slapped Gorshkov on the shoulder, but I thought that Gorshkov somehow
+seemed hurt at this. He did not express any open displeasure, but threw
+Rataziaev a curious look, and removed his hand from his shoulder. ONCE
+upon a time he would not have acted thus; but characters differ. For
+example, I myself should have hesitated, at such a season of rejoicing,
+to seem proud, even though excessive deference and civility at such a
+moment might have been construed as a lapse both of moral courage and of
+mental vigour. However, this is none of my business. All that Gorshkov
+said was: "Yes, money IS a good thing, glory be to God!" In fact, the
+whole time that we remained in his room he kept repeating to himself:
+"Glory be to God, glory be to God!" His wife ordered a richer and more
+delicate meal than usual, and the landlady herself cooked it, for at
+heart she is not a bad woman. But until the meal was served Gorshkov
+could not remain still. He kept entering everyone's room in turn
+(whether invited thither or not), and, seating himself smilingly upon
+a chair, would sometimes say something, and sometimes not utter a word,
+but get up and go out again. In the naval officer's room he even took a
+pack of playing-cards into his hand, and was thereupon invited to make
+a fourth in a game; but after losing a few times, as well as making
+several blunders in his play, he abandoned the pursuit. "No," said he,
+"that is the sort of man that I am--that is all that I am good for," and
+departed. Next, encountering myself in the corridor, he took my hands in
+his, and gazed into my face with a rather curious air. Then he pressed
+my hands again, and moved away still smiling, smiling, but in an odd,
+weary sort of manner, much as a corpse might smile. Meanwhile his wife
+was weeping for joy, and everything in their room was decked in holiday
+guise. Presently dinner was served, and after they had dined Gorshkov
+said to his wife: "See now, dearest, I am going to rest a little while;"
+and with that went to bed. Presently he called his little daughter to
+his side, and, laying his hand upon the child's head, lay a long while
+looking at her. Then he turned to his wife again, and asked her: "What
+of Petinka? Where is our Petinka?" whereupon his wife crossed herself,
+and replied: "Why, our Petinka is dead!" "Yes, yes, I know--of course,"
+said her husband. "Petinka is now in the Kingdom of Heaven." This showed
+his wife that her husband was not quite in his right senses--that the
+recent occurrence had upset him; so she said: "My dearest, you must
+sleep awhile." "I will do so," he replied, "--at once--I am rather--"
+And he turned over, and lay silent for a time. Then again he turned
+round and tried to say something, but his wife could not hear what it
+was. "What do you say?" she inquired, but he made no reply. Then again
+she waited a few moments until she thought to herself, "He has gone to
+sleep," and departed to spend an hour with the landlady. At the end
+of that hour she returned--only to find that her husband had not yet
+awoken, but was still lying motionless. "He is sleeping very soundly,"
+she reflected as she sat down and began to work at something or other.
+Since then she has told us that when half an hour or so had elapsed she
+fell into a reverie. What she was thinking of she cannot remember, save
+that she had forgotten altogether about her husband. Then she awoke with
+a curious sort of sensation at her heart. The first thing that struck
+her was the deathlike stillness of the room. Glancing at the bed,
+she perceived her husband to be lying in the same position as before.
+Thereupon she approached him, turned the coverlet back, and saw that he
+was stiff and cold--that he had died suddenly, as though smitten with a
+stroke. But of what precisely he died God only knows. The affair has so
+terribly impressed me that even now I cannot fully collect my
+thoughts. It would scarcely be believed that a human being could die so
+simply--and he such a poor, needy wretch, this Gorshkov! What a
+fate, what a fate, to be sure! His wife is plunged in tears and
+panic-stricken, while his little daughter has run away somewhere to hide
+herself. In their room, however, all is bustle and confusion, for the
+doctors are about to make an autopsy on the corpse. But I cannot
+tell you things for certain; I only know that I am most grieved, most
+grieved. How sad to think that one never knows what even a day,
+what even an hour, may bring forth! One seems to die to so little
+purpose!--Your own
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+September 19th.
+
+MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I hasten to let you know that Rataziaev
+has found me some work to do for a certain writer--the latter having
+submitted to him a large manuscript. Glory be to God, for this means a
+large amount of work to do. Yet, though the copy is wanted in haste, the
+original is so carelessly written that I hardly know how to set about my
+task. Indeed, certain parts of the manuscript are almost undecipherable.
+I have agreed to do the work for forty kopecks a sheet. You see
+therefore (and this is my true reason for writing to you), that we shall
+soon be receiving money from an extraneous source. Goodbye now, as I
+must begin upon my labours.--Your sincere friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+September 23rd.
+
+MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--I have not written to you these three
+days past for the reason that I have been so worried and alarmed.
+
+Three days ago Bwikov came again to see me. At the time I was alone, for
+Thedora had gone out somewhere. As soon as I opened the door the sight
+of him so terrified me that I stood rooted to the spot, and could feel
+myself turning pale. Entering with his usual loud laugh, he took a
+chair, and sat down. For a long while I could not collect my thoughts;
+I just sat where I was, and went on with my work. Soon his smile faded,
+for my appearance seemed somehow to have struck him. You see, of late I
+have grown thin, and my eyes and cheeks have fallen in, and my face has
+become as white as a sheet; so that anyone who knew me a year ago would
+scarcely recognise me now. After a prolonged inspection, Bwikov seemed
+to recover his spirits, for he said something to which I duly replied.
+Then again he laughed. Thus he sat for a whole hour--talking to me the
+while, and asking me questions about one thing and another. At length,
+just before he rose to depart, he took me by the hand, and said (to
+quote his exact words): "Between ourselves, Barbara Alexievna, that
+kinswoman of yours and my good friend and acquaintance--I refer to
+Anna Thedorovna--is a very bad woman," (he also added a grosser term
+of opprobrium). "First of all she led your cousin astray, and then she
+ruined yourself. I also have behaved like a villain, but such is the way
+of the world." Again he laughed. Next, having remarked that, though
+not a master of eloquence, he had always considered that obligations of
+gentility obliged him to have with me a clear and outspoken explanation,
+he went on to say that he sought my hand in marriage; that he looked
+upon it as a duty to restore to me my honour; that he could offer me
+riches; that, after marriage, he would take me to his country seat in
+the Steppes, where we would hunt hares; that he intended never to visit
+St. Petersburg again, since everything there was horrible, and he had to
+entertain a worthless nephew whom he had sworn to disinherit in favour
+of a legal heir; and, finally, that it was to obtain such a legal heir
+that he was seeking my hand in marriage. Lastly, he remarked that
+I seemed to be living in very poor circumstances (which was not
+surprising, said he, in view of the kennel that I inhabited); that I
+should die if I remained a month longer in that den; that all lodgings
+in St. Petersburg were detestable; and that he would be glad to know if
+I was in want of anything.
+
+So thunderstruck was I with the proposal that I could only burst into
+tears. These tears he interpreted as a sign of gratitude, for he told
+me that he had always felt assured of my good sense, cleverness, and
+sensibility, but that hitherto he had hesitated to take this step until
+he should have learned precisely how I was getting on. Next he asked me
+some questions about YOU; saying that he had heard of you as a man of
+good principle, and that since he was unwilling to remain your debtor,
+would a sum of five hundred roubles repay you for all you had done for
+me? To this I replied that your services to myself had been such as
+could never be requited with money; whereupon, he exclaimed that I was
+talking rubbish and nonsense; that evidently I was still young enough to
+read poetry; that romances of this kind were the undoing of young girls,
+that books only corrupted morality, and that, for his part, he could not
+abide them. "You ought to live as long as I have done," he added, "and
+THEN you will see what men can be."
+
+With that he requested me to give his proposal my favourable
+consideration--saying that he would not like me to take such an
+important step unguardedly, since want of thought and impetuosity often
+spelt ruin to youthful inexperience, but that he hoped to receive an
+answer in the affirmative. "Otherwise," said he, "I shall have no choice
+but to marry a certain merchant's daughter in Moscow, in order that
+I may keep my vow to deprive my nephew of the inheritance."--Then he
+pressed five hundred roubles into my hand--to buy myself some bonbons,
+as he phrased it--and wound up by saying that in the country I should
+grow as fat as a doughnut or a cheese rolled in butter; that at the
+present moment he was extremely busy; and that, deeply engaged in
+business though he had been all day, he had snatched the present
+opportunity of paying me a visit. At length he departed.
+
+For a long time I sat plunged in reflection. Great though my distress
+of mind was, I soon arrived at a decision.... My friend, I am going to
+marry this man; I have no choice but to accept his proposal. If anyone
+could save me from this squalor, and restore to me my good name, and
+avert from me future poverty and want and misfortune, he is the man to
+do it. What else have I to look for from the future? What more am I to
+ask of fate? Thedora declares that one need NEVER lose one's happiness;
+but what, I ask HER, can be called happiness under such circumstances as
+mine? At all events I see no other road open, dear friend. I see nothing
+else to be done. I have worked until I have ruined my health. I cannot
+go on working forever. Shall I go out into the world? Nay; I am worn to
+a shadow with grief, and become good for nothing. Sickly by nature, I
+should merely be a burden upon other folks. Of course this marriage will
+not bring me paradise, but what else does there remain, my friend--what
+else does there remain? What other choice is left?
+
+I had not asked your advice earlier for the reason that I wanted to
+think the matter over alone. However, the decision which you have just
+read is unalterable, and I am about to announce it to Bwikov himself,
+who in any case has pressed me for a speedy reply, owing to the fact (so
+he says) that his business will not wait nor allow him to remain here
+longer, and that therefore, no trifle must be allowed to stand in its
+way. God alone knows whether I shall be happy, but my fate is in His
+holy, His inscrutable hand, and I have so decided. Bwikov is said to be
+kind-hearted. He will at least respect me, and perhaps I shall be
+able to return that respect. What more could be looked for from such a
+marriage?
+
+I have now told you all, Makar Alexievitch, and feel sure that you will
+understand my despondency. Do not, however, try to divert me from my
+intention, for all your efforts will be in vain. Think for a moment;
+weigh in your heart for a moment all that has led me to take this step.
+At first my anguish was extreme, but now I am quieter. What awaits me I
+know not. What must be must be, and as God may send....
+
+Bwikov has just arrived, so I am leaving this letter unfinished.
+Otherwise I had much else to say to you. Bwikov is even now at the
+door!...
+
+
+
+
+September 23rd.
+
+MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I hasten to reply to you--I hasten to
+express to you my extreme astonishment.... In passing, I may mention
+that yesterday we buried poor Gorshkov....
+
+Yes, Bwikov has acted nobly, and you have no choice but to accept him.
+All things are in God's hands. This is so, and must always be so; and
+the purposes of the Divine Creator are at once good and inscrutable, as
+also is Fate, which is one with Him....
+
+Thedora will share your happiness--for, of course, you will be happy,
+and free from want, darling, dearest, sweetest of angels! But why should
+the matter be so hurried? Oh, of course--Monsieur Bwikov's business
+affairs. Only a man who has no affairs to see to can afford to disregard
+such things. I got a glimpse of Monsieur Bwikov as he was leaving your
+door. He is a fine-looking man--a very fine-looking man; though that is
+not the point that I should most have noticed had I been quite myself at
+the time....
+
+In the future shall we be able to write letters to one another? I keep
+wondering and wondering what has led you to say all that you have said.
+To think that just when twenty pages of my copying are completed THIS
+has happened!... I suppose you will be able to make many purchases
+now--to buy shoes and dresses and all sorts of things? Do you remember
+the shops in Gorokhovaia Street of which I used to speak?...
+
+But no. You ought not to go out at present--you simply ought not to, and
+shall not. Presently, you will he able to buy many, many things, and to,
+keep a carriage. Also, at present the weather is bad. Rain is descending
+in pailfuls, and it is such a soaking kind of rain that--that you might
+catch cold from it, my darling, and the chill might go to your heart.
+Why should your fear of this man lead you to take such risks when
+all the time I am here to do your bidding? So Thedora declares great
+happiness to be awaiting you, does she? She is a gossiping old woman,
+and evidently desires to ruin you.
+
+Shall you be at the all-night Mass this evening, dearest? I should like
+to come and see you there. Yes, Bwikov spoke but the truth when he said
+that you are a woman of virtue, wit, and good feeling. Yet I think he
+would do far better to marry the merchant's daughter. What think YOU
+about it? Yes, 'twould be far better for him. As soon as it grows dark
+tonight I mean to come and sit with you for an hour. Tonight twilight
+will close in early, so I shall soon be with you. Yes, come what may,
+I mean to see you for an hour. At present, I suppose, you are expecting
+Bwikov, but I will come as soon as he has gone. So stay at home until I
+have arrived, dearest.
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+September 27th.
+
+DEAR MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Bwikov has just informed me that I must have
+at least three dozen linen blouses; so I must go at once and look for
+sempstresses to make two out of the three dozen, since time presses.
+Indeed, Monsieur Bwikov is quite angry about the fuss which these
+fripperies are entailing, seeing that there remain but five days before
+the wedding, and we are to depart on the following day. He keeps rushing
+about and declaring that no time ought to be wasted on trifles. I am
+terribly worried, and scarcely able to stand on my feet. There is
+so much to do, and, perhaps, so much that were better left undone!
+Moreover, I have no blond or other lace; so THERE is another item to be
+purchased, since Bwikov declares that he cannot have his bride look
+like a cook, but, on the contrary, she must "put the noses of the great
+ladies out of joint." That is his expression. I wish, therefore, that
+you would go to Madame Chiffon's, in Gorokhovaia Street, and ask her, in
+the first place, to send me some sempstresses, and, in the second place,
+to give herself the trouble of coming in person, as I am too ill to
+go out. Our new flat is very cold, and still in great disorder. Also,
+Bwikov has an aunt who is at her last gasp through old age, and may die
+before our departure. He himself, however, declares this to be nothing,
+and says that she will soon recover. He is not yet living with me, and
+I have to go running hither and thither to find him. Only Thedora
+is acting as my servant, together with Bwikov's valet, who oversees
+everything, but has been absent for the past three days.
+
+Each morning Bwikov goes to business, and loses his temper. Yesterday
+he even had some trouble with the police because of his thrashing the
+steward of these buildings... I have no one to send with this letter so
+I am going to post it... Ah! I had almost forgotten the most important
+point--which is that I should like you to go and tell Madame Chiffon
+that I wish the blond lace to be changed in conformity with yesterday's
+patterns, if she will be good enough to bring with her a new assortment.
+Also say that I have altered my mind about the satin, which I wish to
+be tamboured with crochet-work; also, that tambour is to be used with
+monograms on the various garments. Do you hear? Tambour, not smooth
+work. Do not forget that it is to be tambour. Another thing I had almost
+forgotten, which is that the lappets of the fur cloak must be raised,
+and the collar bound with lace. Please tell her these things, Makar
+Alexievitch.--Your friend,
+
+B. D.
+
+P.S.--I am so ashamed to trouble you with my commissions! This is the
+third morning that you will have spent in running about for my sake. But
+what else am I to do? The whole place is in disorder, and I myself
+am ill. Do not be vexed with me, Makar Alexievitch. I am feeling so
+depressed! What is going to become of me, dear friend, dear, kind, old
+Makar Alexievitch? I dread to look forward into the future. Somehow I
+feel apprehensive; I am living, as it were, in a mist. Yet, for God's
+sake, forget none of my commissions. I am so afraid lest you should make
+a mistake! Remember that everything is to be tambour work, not smooth.
+
+
+
+
+September 27th.
+
+MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I have carefully fulfilled your
+commissions. Madame Chiffon informs me that she herself had thought of
+using tambour work as being more suitable (though I did not quite take
+in all she said). Also, she has informed me that, since you have given
+certain directions in writing, she has followed them (though again I do
+not clearly remember all that she said--I only remember that she said
+a very great deal, for she is a most tiresome old woman). These
+observations she will soon be repeating to you in person. For myself, I
+feel absolutely exhausted, and have not been to the office today...
+
+Do not despair about the future, dearest. To save you trouble I would
+visit every shop in St. Petersburg. You write that you dare not look
+forward into the future. But by tonight, at seven o'clock, you will have
+learned all, for Madame Chiffon will have arrived in person to see you.
+Hope on, and everything will order itself for the best. Of course, I
+am referring only to these accursed gewgaws, to these frills and
+fripperies! Ah me, ah me, how glad I shall be to see you, my angel! Yes,
+how glad I shall be! Twice already today I have passed the gates of your
+abode. Unfortunately, this Bwikov is a man of such choler that--Well,
+things are as they are.
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+September 28th.
+
+MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--For God's sake go to the jeweller's,
+and tell him that, after all, he need not make the pearl and emerald
+earrings. Monsieur Bwikov says that they will cost him too much, that
+they will burn a veritable hole in his pocket. In fact, he has lost his
+temper again, and declares that he is being robbed. Yesterday he added
+that, had he but known, but foreseen, these expenses, he would never
+have married. Also, he says that, as things are, he intends only to have
+a plain wedding, and then to depart. "You must not look for any dancing
+or festivity or entertainment of guests, for our gala times are still in
+the air." Such were his words. God knows I do not want such things, but
+none the less Bwikov has forbidden them. I made him no answer on the
+subject, for he is a man all too easily irritated. What, what is going
+to become of me?
+
+B. D.
+
+
+
+
+September 28th.
+
+MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--All is well as regards the jeweller.
+Unfortunately, I have also to say that I myself have fallen ill, and
+cannot rise from bed. Just when so many things need to be done, I have
+gone and caught a chill, the devil take it! Also I have to tell you
+that, to complete my misfortunes, his Excellency has been pleased to
+become stricter. Today he railed at and scolded Emelia Ivanovitch until
+the poor fellow was quite put about. That is the sum of my news.
+
+No--there is something else concerning which I should like to write
+to you, but am afraid to obtrude upon your notice. I am a simple,
+dull fellow who writes down whatsoever first comes into his head--Your
+friend,
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+September 29th.
+
+MY OWN BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--Today, dearest, I saw Thedora, who informed
+me that you are to be married tomorrow, and on the following day to go
+away--for which purpose Bwikov has ordered a post-chaise....
+
+Well, of the incident of his Excellency, I have already told you. Also
+I have verified the bill from the shop in Gorokhovaia Street. It is
+correct, but very long. Why is Monsieur Bwikov so out of humour with
+you? Nay, but you must be of good cheer, my darling. I am so, and shall
+always be so, so long as you are happy. I should have come to the church
+tomorrow, but, alas, shall be prevented from doing so by the pain in my
+loins. Also, I would have written an account of the ceremony, but that
+there will be no one to report to me the details....
+
+Yes, you have been a very good friend to Thedora, dearest. You have
+acted kindly, very kindly, towards her. For every such deed God will
+bless you. Good deeds never go unrewarded, nor does virtue ever fail to
+win the crown of divine justice, be it early or be it late. Much else
+should I have liked to write to you. Every hour, every minute I could
+occupy in writing. Indeed I could write to you forever! Only your book,
+"The Stories of Bielkin", is left to me. Do not deprive me of it, I pray
+you, but suffer me to keep it. It is not so much because I wish to read
+the book for its own sake, as because winter is coming on, when the
+evenings will be long and dreary, and one will want to read at least
+SOMETHING.
+
+Do you know, I am going to move from my present quarters into your old
+ones, which I intend to rent from Thedora; for I could never part with
+that good old woman. Moreover, she is such a splendid worker.
+Yesterday I inspected your empty room in detail, and inspected your
+embroidery-frame, with the work still hanging on it. It had been left
+untouched in its corner. Next, I inspected the work itself, of which
+there still remained a few remnants, and saw that you had used one of my
+letters for a spool upon which to wind your thread. Also, on the table
+I found a scrap of paper which had written on it, "My dearest Makar
+Alexievitch I hasten to--" that was all. Evidently, someone had
+interrupted you at an interesting point. Lastly, behind a screen there
+was your little bed.... Oh darling of darlings!!!... Well, goodbye now,
+goodbye now, but for God's sake send me something in answer to this
+letter!
+
+MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN.
+
+
+
+
+September 30th.
+
+MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--All is over! The die is cast! What my lot
+may have in store I know not, but I am submissive to the will of God.
+Tomorrow, then, we depart. For the last time, I take my leave of you, my
+friend beyond price, my benefactor, my dear one! Do not grieve for me,
+but try to live happily. Think of me sometimes, and may the blessing
+of Almighty God light upon you! For myself, I shall often have you in
+remembrance, and recall you in my prayers. Thus our time together
+has come to an end. Little comfort in my new life shall I derive
+from memories of the past. The more, therefore, shall I cherish the
+recollection of you, and the dearer will you ever be to my heart. Here,
+you have been my only friend; here, you alone have loved me. Yes, I have
+seen all, I have known all--I have throughout known how well you love
+me. A single smile of mine, a single stroke from my pen, has been able
+to make you happy.... But now you must forget me.... How lonely you will
+be! Why should you stay here at all, kind, inestimable, but solitary,
+friend of mine?
+
+To your care I entrust the book, the embroidery frame, and the letter
+upon which I had begun. When you look upon the few words which the
+letter contains you will be able mentally to read in thought all that
+you would have liked further to hear or receive from me--all that I
+would so gladly have written, but can never now write. Think sometimes
+of your poor little Barbara who loved you so well. All your letters I
+have left behind me in the top drawer of Thedora's chest of drawers...
+You write that you are ill, but Monsieur Bwikov will not let me leave
+the house today; so that I can only write to you. Also, I will write
+again before long. That is a promise. Yet God only knows when I shall be
+able to do so....
+
+Now we must bid one another forever farewell, my friend, my beloved,
+my own! Yes, it must be forever! Ah, how at this moment I could embrace
+you! Goodbye, dear friend--goodbye, goodbye! May you ever rest well and
+happy! To the end I shall keep you in my prayers. How my heart is
+aching under its load of sorrow!... Monsieur Bwikov is just calling for
+me....--Your ever loving
+
+B.
+
+P.S.--My heart is full! It is full to bursting of tears! Sorrow has me
+in its grip, and is tearing me to pieces. Goodbye. My God, what grief!
+Do not, do not forget your poor Barbara!
+
+
+
+BELOVED BARBARA--MY JEWEL, MY PRICELESS ONE,--You are now almost en
+route, you are now just about to depart! Would that they had torn my
+heart out of my breast rather than have taken you away from me! How
+could you allow it? You weep, yet you go! And only this moment I have
+received from you a letter stained with your tears! It must be that
+you are departing unwillingly; it must be that you are being abducted
+against your will; it must be that you are sorry for me; it must be
+that--that you LOVE me!...
+
+Yet how will it fare with you now? Your heart will soon have become
+chilled and sick and depressed. Grief will soon have sucked away its
+life; grief will soon have rent it in twain! Yes, you will die where you
+be, and be laid to rest in the cold, moist earth where there is no one
+to bewail you. Monsieur Bwikov will only be hunting hares!...
+
+Ah, my darling, my darling! WHY did you come to this decision? How could
+you bring yourself to take such a step? What have you done, have you
+done, have you done? Soon they will be carrying you away to the tomb;
+soon your beauty will have become defiled, my angel. Ah, dearest one,
+you are as weak as a feather. And where have I been all this time? What
+have I been thinking of? I have treated you merely as a forward child
+whose head was aching. Fool that I was, I neither saw nor understood.
+I have behaved as though, right or wrong, the matter was in no way my
+concern. Yes, I have been running about after fripperies!... Ah, but I
+WILL leave my bed. Tomorrow I WILL rise sound and well, and be once more
+myself....
+
+Dearest, I could throw myself under the wheels of a passing vehicle
+rather than that you should go like this. By what right is it being
+done?... I will go with you; I will run behind your carriage if you will
+not take me--yes, I will run, and run so long as the power is in me, and
+until my breath shall have failed. Do you know whither you are going?
+Perhaps you will not know, and will have to ask me? Before you there
+lie the Steppes, my darling--only the Steppes, the naked Steppes, the
+Steppes that are as bare as the palm of my hand. THERE there live only
+heartless old women and rude peasants and drunkards. THERE the trees
+have already shed their leaves. THERE there abide but rain and cold. Why
+should you go thither? True, Monsieur Bwikov will have his diversions in
+that country--he will be able to hunt the hare; but what of yourself? Do
+you wish to become a mere estate lady? Nay; look at yourself, my seraph
+of heaven. Are you in any way fitted for such a role? How could you
+play it? To whom should I write letters? To whom should I send these
+missives? Whom should I call "my darling"? To whom should I apply that
+name of endearment? Where, too, could I find you?
+
+When you are gone, Barbara, I shall die--for certain I shall die, for my
+heart cannot bear this misery. I love you as I love the light of God;
+I love you as my own daughter; to you I have devoted my love in its
+entirety; only for you have I lived at all; only because you were near
+me have I worked and copied manuscripts and committed my views to paper
+under the guise of friendly letters.
+
+Perhaps you did not know all this, but it has been so. How, then, my
+beloved, could you bring yourself to leave me? Nay, you MUST not go--it
+is impossible, it is sheerly, it is utterly, impossible. The rain will
+fall upon you, and you are weak, and will catch cold. The floods will
+stop your carriage. No sooner will it have passed the city barriers than
+it will break down, purposely break down. Here, in St. Petersburg, they
+are bad builders of carriages. Yes, I know well these carriage-builders.
+They are jerry-builders who can fashion a toy, but nothing that is
+durable. Yes, I swear they can make nothing that is durable.... All that
+I can do is to go upon my knees before Monsieur Bwikov, and to tell him
+all, to tell him all. Do you also tell him all, dearest, and reason with
+him. Tell him that you MUST remain here, and must not go. Ah, why did he
+not marry that merchant's daughter in Moscow? Let him go and marry her
+now. She would suit him far better and for reasons which I well know.
+Then I could keep you. For what is he to you, this Monsieur Bwikov? Why
+has he suddenly become so dear to your heart? Is it because he can buy
+you gewgaws? What are THEY? What use are THEY? They are so much rubbish.
+One should consider human life rather than mere finery.
+
+Nevertheless, as soon as I have received my next instalment of salary I
+mean to buy you a new cloak. I mean to buy it at a shop with which I
+am acquainted. Only, you must wait until my next installment is due, my
+angel of a Barbara. Ah, God, my God! To think that you are going away
+into the Steppes with Monsieur Bwikov--that you are going away never
+to return!... Nay, nay, but you SHALL write to me. You SHALL write me
+a letter as soon as you have started, even if it be your last letter of
+all, my dearest. Yet will it be your last letter? How has it come about
+so suddenly, so irrevocably, that this letter should be your last? Nay,
+nay; I will write, and you shall write--yes, NOW, when at length I am
+beginning to improve my style. Style? I do not know what I am writing. I
+never do know what I am writing. I could not possibly know, for I never
+read over what I have written, nor correct its orthography. At the
+present moment, I am writing merely for the sake of writing, and to put
+as much as possible into this last letter of mine....
+
+Ah, dearest, my pet, my own darling!...
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Poor Folk, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
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