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diff --git a/old/2000-08-prflk10.txt b/old/2000-08-prflk10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3772a5c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/2000-08-prflk10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5570 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Poor Folk, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky +#3 in our series by Fyodor Dostoyevsky + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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That was because for once in +your life you had relented so far as to obey my wishes. At about +eight o'clock I awoke from sleep (you know, my beloved one, that +I always like to sleep for a short hour after my work is done)--I +awoke, I say, and, lighting a candle, prepared my paper to write, +and trimmed my pen. Then suddenly, for some reason or another, I +raised my eyes--and felt my very heart leap within me! For you +had understood what I wanted, you had understood what my heart +was craving for. Yes, I perceived that a corner of the curtain in +your window had been looped up and fastened to the cornice as I +had suggested should be done; and it seemed to me that your dear +face was glimmering at the window, and that you were looking at +me from out of the darkness of your room, and that you were +thinking of me. Yet how vexed I felt that I could not distinguish +your sweet face clearly! For there was a time when you and I +could see one another without any difficulty at all. Ah me, but +old age is not always a blessing, my beloved one! At this very +moment everything is standing awry to my eyes, for a man needs +only to work late overnight in his writing of something or other +for, in the morning, his eyes to be red, and the tears to be +gushing from them in a way that makes him ashamed to be seen +before strangers. However, I was able to picture to myself your +beaming smile, my angel--your kind, bright smile; and in my heart +there lurked just such a feeling as on the occasion when I first +kissed you, my little Barbara. Do you remember that, my darling? +Yet somehow you seemed to be threatening me with your tiny +finger. Was it so, little wanton? You must write and tell me +about it in your next letter. + +But what think you of the plan of the curtain, Barbara? It is a +charming one, is it not? No matter whether I be at work, or about +to retire to rest, or just awaking from sleep, it enables me to +know that you are thinking of me, and remembering me--that you +are both well and happy. Then when you lower the curtain, it +means that it is time that I, Makar Alexievitch, should go to +bed; and when again you raise the curtain, it means that you are +saying to me, "Good morning," and asking me how I am, and whether +I have slept well. "As for myself," adds the curtain, "I am +altogether in good health and spirits, glory be to God!" Yes, my +heart's delight, you see how easy a plan it was to devise, and +how much writing it will save us! It is a clever plan, is it not? +And it was my own invention, too! Am I not cunning in such +matters, Barbara Alexievna? + +Well, next let me tell you, dearest, that last night I slept +better and more soundly than I had ever hoped to do, and that I +am the more delighted at the fact in that, as you know, I had +just settled into a new lodging--a circumstance only too apt to +keep one from sleeping! This morning, too, I arose (joyous and +full of love) at cockcrow. How good seemed everything at that +hour, my darling! When I opened my window I could see the sun +shining, and hear the birds singing, and smell the air laden with +scents of spring. In short, all nature was awaking to life again. +Everything was in consonance with my mood; everything seemed fair +and spring-like. Moreover, I had a fancy that I should fare well +today. But my whole thoughts were bent upon you. "Surely," +thought I, "we mortals who dwell in pain and sorrow might with +reason envy the birds of heaven which know not either!" And my +other thoughts were similar to these. In short, I gave myself up +to fantastic comparisons. A little book which I have says the +same kind of thing in a variety of ways. For instance, it says +that one may have many, many fancies, my Barbara--that as soon as +the spring comes on, one's thoughts become uniformly pleasant and +sportive and witty, for the reason that, at that season, the mind +inclines readily to tenderness, and the world takes on a more +roseate hue. From that little book of mine I have culled the +following passage, and written it down for you to see. In +particular does the author express a longing similar to my own, +where he writes: + +"Why am I not a bird free to seek its quest?" + +And he has written much else, God bless him! + +But tell me, my love--where did you go for your walk this +morning? Even before I had started for the office you had taken +flight from your room, and passed through the courtyard--yes, +looking as vernal-like as a bird in spring. What rapture it gave +me to see you! Ah, little Barbara, little Barbara, you must never +give way to grief, for tears are of no avail, nor sorrow. I know +this well--I know it of my own experience. So do you rest quietly +until you have regained your health a little. But how is our good +Thedora? What a kind heart she has! You write that she is now +living with you, and that you are satisfied with what she does. +True, you say that she is inclined to grumble, but do not mind +that, Barbara. God bless her, for she is an excellent soul! + +But what sort of an abode have I lighted upon, Barbara Alexievna? +What sort of a tenement, do you think, is this? Formerly, as you +know, I used to live in absolute stillness--so much so that if a +fly took wing it could plainly be heard buzzing. Here, however, +all is turmoil and shouting and clatter. The PLAN of the tenement +you know already. Imagine a long corridor, quite dark, and by no +means clean. To the right a dead wall, and to the left a row of +doors stretching as far as the line of rooms extends. These rooms +are tenanted by different people--by one, by two, or by three +lodgers as the case may be, but in this arrangement there is no +sort of system, and the place is a perfect Noah's Ark. Most of +the lodgers are respectable, educated, and even bookish people. +In particular they include a tchinovnik (one of the literary +staff in some government department), who is so well-read that he +can expound Homer or any other author--in fact, ANYTHING, such a +man of talent is he! Also, there are a couple of officers (for +ever playing cards), a midshipman, and an English tutor. But, to +amuse you, dearest, let me describe these people more +categorically in my next letter, and tell you in detail about +their lives. As for our landlady, she is a dirty little old woman +who always walks about in a dressing-gown and slippers, and never +ceases to shout at Theresa. I myself live in the kitchen--or, +rather, in a small room which forms part of the kitchen. The +latter is a very large, bright, clean, cheerful apartment with +three windows in it, and a partition-wall which, running outwards +from the front wall, makes a sort of little den, a sort of extra +room, for myself. Everything in this den is comfortable and +convenient, and I have, as I say, a window to myself. So much for +a description of my dwelling-place. Do not think, dearest, that +in all this there is any hidden intention. The fact that I live +in the kitchen merely means that I live behind the partition wall +in that apartment--that I live quite alone, and spend my time in +a quiet fashion compounded of trifles. For furniture I have +provided myself with a bed, a table, a chest of drawers, and two +small chairs. Also, I have suspended an ikon. True, better rooms +MAY exist in the world than this--much better rooms; yet COMFORT +is the chief thing. In fact, I have made all my arrangements for +comfort's sake alone; so do not for a moment imagine that I had +any other end in view. And since your window happens to be just +opposite to mine, and since the courtyard between us is narrow +and I can see you as you pass,--why, the result is that this +miserable wretch will be able to live at once more happily and +with less outlay. The dearest room in this house costs, with +board, thirty-five roubles--more than my purse could well afford; +whereas MY room costs only twenty-four, though formerly I used to +pay thirty, and so had to deny myself many things (I could drink +tea but seldom, and never could indulge in tea and sugar as I do +now). But, somehow, I do not like having to go without tea, for +everyone else here is respectable, and the fact makes me ashamed. +After all, one drinks tea largely to please one's fellow men, +Barbara, and to give oneself tone and an air of gentility +(though, of myself, I care little about such things, for I am not +a man of the finicking sort). Yet think you that, when all things +needful--boots and the rest--have been paid for, much will +remain? Yet I ought not to grumble at my salary,--I am quite +satisfied with it; it is sufficient. It has sufficed me now for +some years, and, in addition, I receive certain gratuities. + +Well good-bye, my darling. I have bought you two little pots of +geraniums--quite cheap little pots, too--as a present. Perhaps +you would also like some mignonette? Mignonette it shall be if +only you will write to inform me of everything in detail. Also, +do not misunderstand the fact that I have taken this room, my +dearest. Convenience and nothing else, has made me do so. The +snugness of the place has caught my fancy. Also. I shall be able +to save money here, and to hoard it against the future. Already I +have saved a little money as a beginning. Nor must you despise me +because I am such an insignificant old fellow that a fly could +break me with its wing. True, I am not a swashbuckler; but +perhaps there may also abide in me the spirit which should +pertain to every man who is at once resigned and sure of himself. +Good-bye, then, again, my angel. I have now covered close upon a +whole two sheets of notepaper, though I ought long ago to have +been starting for the office. I kiss your hands, and remain ever +your devoted slave, your faithful friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + +P.S.--One thing I beg of you above all things--and that is, that +you will answer this letter as FULLY as possible. With the letter +I send you a packet of bonbons. Eat them for your health's sake, +nor, for the love of God, feel any uneasiness about me. Once +more, dearest one, good-bye. + + + + April 8th + +MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Do you know, must quarrel with +you. Yes, good Makar Alexievitch, I really cannot accept your +presents, for I know what they must have cost you--I know to what +privations and self-denial they must have led. How many times +have I not told you that I stand in need of NOTHING, of +absolutely NOTHING, as well as that I shall never be in a +position to recompense you for all the kindly acts with which you +have loaded me? Why, for instance, have you sent me geraniums? A +little sprig of balsam would not have mattered so much-- but +geraniums! Only have I to let fall an unguarded word--for +example, about geraniums--and at once you buy me some! How much +they must have cost you! Yet what a charm there is in them, with +their flaming petals! Wherever did you get these beautiful +plants? I have set them in my window as the most conspicuous +place possible, while on the floor I have placed a bench for my +other flowers to stand on (since you are good enough to enrich me +with such presents). Unfortunately, Thedora, who, with her +sweeping and polishing, makes a perfect sanctuary of my room, is +not over-pleased at the arrangement. But why have you sent me +also bonbons? Your letter tells me that something special is +afoot with you, for I find in it so much about paradise and +spring and sweet odours and the songs of birds. Surely, thought I +to myself when I received it, this is as good as poetry! Indeed, +verses are the only thing that your letter lacks, Makar +Alexievitch. And what tender feelings I can read in it--what +roseate-coloured fancies! To the curtain, however, I had never +given a thought. The fact is that when I moved the flower-pots, +it LOOPED ITSELF up. There now! + +Ah, Makar Alexievitch, you neither speak of nor give any account +of what you have spent upon me. You hope thereby to deceive me, +to make it seem as though the cost always falls upon you alone, +and that there is nothing to conceal. Yet I KNOW that for my sake +you deny yourself necessaries. For instance, what has made you go +and take the room which you have done, where you will be worried +and disturbed, and where you have neither elbow-space nor +comfort--you who love solitude, and never like to have any one +near you? To judge from your salary, I should think that you +might well live in greater ease than that. Also, Thedora tells me +that your circumstances used to be much more affluent than they +are at present. Do you wish, then, to persuade me that your whole +existence has been passed in loneliness and want and gloom, with +never a cheering word to help you, nor a seat in a friend's +chimney-corner? Ah, kind comrade, how my heart aches for you! But +do not overtask your health, Makar Alexievitch. For instance, you +say that your eyes are over-weak for you to go on writing in your +office by candle-light. Then why do so? I am sure that your +official superiors do not need to be convinced of your diligence! + +Once more I implore you not to waste so much money upon me. I +know how much you love me, but I also know that you are not rich. +. . . This morning I too rose in good spirits. Thedora had long +been at work; and it was time that I too should bestir myself. +Indeed I was yearning to do so, so I went out for some silk, and +then sat down to my labours. All the morning I felt light-hearted +and cheerful. Yet now my thoughts are once more dark and sad-- +once more my heart is ready to sink. + +Ah, what is going to become of me? What will be my fate? To have +to be so uncertain as to the future, to have to be unable to +foretell what is going to happen, distresses me deeply. Even to +look back at the past is horrible, for it contains sorrow that +breaks my very heart at the thought of it. Yes, a whole century +in tears could I spend because of the wicked people who have +wrecked my life! + +But dusk is coming on, and I must set to work again. Much else +should I have liked to write to you, but time is lacking, and I +must hasten. Of course, to write this letter is a pleasure +enough, and could never be wearisome; but why do you not come to +see me in person? Why do you not, Makar Alexievitch? You live so +close to me, and at least SOME of your time is your own. I pray +you, come. I have just seen Theresa. She was looking so ill, and +I felt so sorry for her, that I gave her twenty kopecks. I am +almost falling asleep. Write to me in fullest detail, both +concerning your mode of life, and concerning the people who live +with you, and concerning how you fare with them. I should so like +to know! Yes, you must write again. Tonight I have purposely +looped the curtain up. Go to bed early, for, last night, I saw +your candle burning until nearly midnight. Goodbye! I am now +feeling sad and weary. Ah that I should have to spend such days +as this one has been. Again good-bye.--Your friend, + +BARBARA DOBROSELOVA. + + + + April 8th + +MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--To think that a day like this +should have fallen to my miserable lot! Surely you are making fun +of an old man? ... However, it was my own fault--my own fault +entirely. One ought not to grow old holding a lock of Cupid's +hair in one's hand. Naturally one is misunderstood.... Yet man is +sometimes a very strange being. By all the Saints, he will talk +of doing things, yet leave them undone, and remain looking the +kind of fool from whom may the Lord preserve us! . . . Nay, I am +not angry, my beloved; I am only vexed to think that I should +have written to you in such stupid, flowery phraseology. Today I +went hopping and skipping to the office, for my heart was under +your influence, and my soul was keeping holiday, as it were. Yes, +everything seemed to be going well with me. Then I betook myself +to my work. But with what result? I gazed around at the old +familiar objects, at the old familiar grey and gloomy objects. +They looked just the same as before. Yet WERE those the same +inkstains, the same tables and chairs, that I had hitherto known? +Yes, they WERE the same, exactly the same; so why should I have +gone off riding on Pegasus' back? Whence had that mood arisen? It +had arisen from the fact that a certain sun had beamed upon me, +and turned the sky to blue. But why so? Why is it, sometimes, +that sweet odours seem to be blowing through a courtyard where +nothing of the sort can be? They must be born of my foolish +fancy, for a man may stray so far into sentiment as to forget his +immediate surroundings, and to give way to the superfluity of +fond ardour with which his heart is charged. On the other hand, +as I walked home from the office at nightfall my feet seemed to +lag, and my head to be aching. Also, a cold wind seemed to be +blowing down my back (enraptured with the spring, I had gone out +clad only in a thin overcoat). Yet you have misunderstood my +sentiments, dearest. They are altogether different to what you +suppose. It is a purely paternal feeling that I have for you. I +stand towards you in the position of a relative who is bound to +watch over your lonely orphanhood. This I say in all sincerity, +and with a single purpose, as any kinsman might do. For, after +all, I AM a distant kinsman of yours--the seventh drop of water +in the pudding, as the proverb has it--yet still a kinsman, and +at the present time your nearest relative and protector, seeing +that where you had the right to look for help and protection, you +found only treachery and insult. As for poetry, I may say that I +consider it unbecoming for a man of my years to devote his +faculties to the making of verses. Poetry is rubbish. Even boys +at school ought to be whipped for writing it. + +Why do you write thus about "comfort" and "peace" and the rest? I +am not a fastidious man, nor one who requires much. Never in my +life have I been so comfortable as now. Why, then, should I +complain in my old age? I have enough to eat, I am well dressed +and booted. Also, I have my diversions. You see, I am not of +noble blood. My father himself was not a gentleman; he and his +family had to live even more plainly than I do. Nor am I a +milksop. Nevertheless, to speak frankly, I do not like my present +abode so much as I used to like my old one. Somehow the latter +seemed more cosy, dearest. Of course, this room is a good one +enough; in fact, in SOME respects it is the more cheerful and +interesting of the two. I have nothing to say against it--no. Yet +I miss the room that used to be so familiar to me. Old lodgers +like myself soon grow as attached to our chattels as to a +kinsman. My old room was such a snug little place! True, its +walls resembled those of any other room--I am not speaking of +that; the point is that the recollection of them seems to haunt +my mind with sadness. Curious that recollections should be so +mournful! Even what in that room used to vex me and inconvenience +me now looms in a purified light, and figures in my imagination +as a thing to be desired. We used to live there so quietly--I and +an old landlady who is now dead. How my heart aches to remember +her, for she was a good woman, and never overcharged for her +rooms. Her whole time was spent in making patchwork quilts with +knitting-needles that were an arshin [An ell.] long. Oftentimes +we shared the same candle and board. Also she had a +granddaughter, Masha--a girl who was then a mere baby, but must +now be a girl of thirteen. This little piece of mischief, how she +used to make us laugh the day long! We lived together, a happy +family of three. Often of a long winter's evening we would first +have tea at the big round table, and then betake ourselves to our +work; the while that, to amuse the child and to keep her out of +mischief, the old lady would set herself to tell stories. What +stories they were!--though stories less suitable for a child than +for a grown-up, educated person. My word! Why, I myself have sat +listening to them, as I smoked my pipe, until I have forgotten +about work altogether. And then, as the story grew grimmer, the +little child, our little bag of mischief, would grow thoughtful +in proportion, and clasp her rosy cheeks in her tiny hands, and, +hiding her face, press closer to the old landlady. Ah, how I +loved to see her at those moments! As one gazed at her one would +fail to notice how the candle was flickering, or how the storm +was swishing the snow about the courtyard. Yes, that was a goodly +life, my Barbara, and we lived it for nearly twenty years. . . . +How my tongue does carry me away! Maybe the subject does not +interest you, and I myself find it a not over-easy subject to +recall--especially at the present time. + +Darkness is falling, and Theresa is busying herself with +something or another. My head and my back are aching, and even my +thoughts seem to be in pain, so strangely do they occur. Yes, my +heart is sad today, Barbara.... What is it you have written to +me? ---"Why do you not come in PERSON to see me?" Dear one, what +would people say? I should have but to cross the courtyard for +people to begin noticing us, and asking themselves questions. +Gossip and scandal would arise, and there would be read into the +affair quite another meaning than the real one. No, little angel, +it were better that I should see you tomorrow at Vespers. That +will be the better plan, and less hurtful to us both. Nor must +you chide me, beloved, because I have written you a letter like +this (reading it through, I see it to be all odds and ends); for +I am an old man now, dear Barbara, and an uneducated one. Little +learning had I in my youth, and things refuse to fix themselves +in my brain when I try to learn them anew. No, I am not skilled +in letter-writing, Barbara, and, without being told so, or any +one laughing at me for it, I know that, whenever I try to +describe anything with more than ordinary distinctness, I fall +into the mistake of talking sheer rubbish. . . . I saw you at +your window today--yes, I saw you as you were drawing down the +blind! Good-bye, goodbye, little Barbara, and may God keep you! +Good-bye, my own Barbara Alexievna!--Your sincere friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + +P.S.--Do not think that I could write to you in a satirical vein, +for I am too old to show my teeth to no purpose, and people would +laugh at me, and quote our Russian proverb: "Who diggeth a pit +for another one, the same shall fall into it himself." + + + + April 9th + +MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Are not you, my friend and +benefactor, just a little ashamed to repine and give way to such +despondency? And surely you are not offended with me? Ah! Though +often thoughtless in my speech, I never should have imagined that +you would take my words as a jest at your expense. Rest assured +that NEVER should I make sport of your years or of your +character. Only my own levity is at fault; still more, the fact +that I am so weary of life. + +What will such a feeling not engender? To tell you the truth, I +had supposed that YOU were jesting in your letter; wherefore, my +heart was feeling heavy at the thought that you could feel so +displeased with me. Kind comrade and helper, you will be doing me +an injustice if for a single moment you ever suspect that I am +lacking in feeling or in gratitude towards you. My heart, believe +me, is able to appraise at its true worth all that you have done +for me by protecting me from my enemies, and from hatred and +persecution. Never shall I cease to pray to God for you; and, +should my prayers ever reach Him and be received of Heaven, then +assuredly fortune will smile upon you! + +Today I am not well. By turns I shiver and flush with heat, and +Thedora is greatly disturbed about me. . . . Do not scruple to +come and see me, Makar Alexievitch. How can it concern other +people what you do? You and I are well enough acquainted with +each other, and one's own affairs are one's own affairs. Goodbye, +Makar Alexievitch, for I have come to the end of all I had to +say, and am feeling too unwell to write more. Again I beg of you +not to be angry with me, but to rest assured of my constant +respect and attachment.--Your humble, devoted servant, + +BARBARA DOBROSELOVA. + + + +April 12th + +DEAREST MISTRESS BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I pray you, my beloved, to +tell me what ails you. Every one of your letters fills me with +alarm. On the other hand, in every letter I urge you to be more +careful of yourself, and to wrap up yourself warmly, and to avoid +going out in bad weather, and to be in all things prudent. Yet +you go and disobey me! Ah, little angel, you are a perfect child! +I know well that you are as weak as a blade of grass, and that, +no matter what wind blows upon you, you are ready to fade. But +you must be careful of yourself, dearest; you MUST look after +yourself better; you MUST avoid all risks, lest you plunge your +friends into desolation and despair. + +Dearest, you also express a wish to learn the details of my daily +life and surroundings. That wish I hasten to satisfy. Let me +begin at the beginning, since, by doing so, I shall explain +things more systematically. In the first place, on entering this +house, one passes into a very bare hall, and thence along a +passage to a mean staircase. The reception room, however, is +bright, clean, and spacious, and is lined with redwood and metal- +work. But the scullery you would not care to see; it is greasy, +dirty, and odoriferous, while the stairs are in rags, and the +walls so covered with filth that the hand sticks fast wherever it +touches them. Also, on each landing there is a medley of boxes, +chairs, and dilapidated wardrobes; while the windows have had +most of their panes shattered, and everywhere stand washtubs +filled with dirt, litter, eggshells, and fish-bladders. The smell +is abominable. In short, the house is not a nice one. + +As to the disposition of the rooms, I have described it to you +already. True, they are convenient enough, yet every one of them +has an ATMOSPHERE. I do not mean that they smell badly so much as +that each of them seems to contain something which gives forth a +rank, sickly-sweet odour. At first the impression is an +unpleasant one, but a couple of minutes will suffice to dissipate +it, for the reason that EVERYTHING here smells--people's clothes, +hands, and everything else--and one grows accustomed to the +rankness. Canaries, however, soon die in this house. A naval +officer here has just bought his fifth. Birds cannot live long in +such an air. Every morning, when fish or beef is being cooked, +and washing and scrubbing are in progress, the house is filled +with steam. Always, too, the kitchen is full of linen hanging out +to dry; and since my room adjoins that apartment, the smell from +the clothes causes me not a little annoyance. However, one can +grow used to anything. + +From earliest dawn the house is astir as its inmates rise, walk +about, and stamp their feet. That is to say, everyone who has to +go to work then gets out of bed. First of all, tea is partaken +of. Most of the tea-urns belong to the landlady; and since there +are not very many of them, we have to wait our turn. Anyone who +fails to do so will find his teapot emptied and put away. On the +first occasion, that was what happened to myself. Well, is there +anything else to tell you? Already I have made the acquaintance +of the company here. The naval officer took the initiative in +calling upon me, and his frankness was such that he told me all +about his father, his mother, his sister (who is married to a +lawyer of Tula), and the town of Kronstadt. Also, he promised me +his patronage, and asked me to come and take tea with him. I kept +the appointment in a room where card-playing is continually in +progress; and, after tea had been drunk, efforts were made to +induce me to gamble. Whether or not my refusal seemed to the +company ridiculous I cannot say, but at all events my companions +played the whole evening, and were playing when I left. The dust +and smoke in the room made my eyes ache. I declined, as I say, to +play cards, and was, therefore, requested to discourse on +philosophy, after which no one spoke to me at all--a result which +I did not regret. In fact, I have no intention of going there +again, since every one is for gambling, and for nothing but +gambling. Even the literary tchinovnik gives such parties in his +room--though, in his case, everything is done delicately and with +a certain refinement, so that the thing has something of a +retiring and innocent air. + +In passing, I may tell you that our landlady is NOT a nice woman. +In fact, she is a regular beldame. You have seen her once, so +what do you think of her? She is as lanky as a plucked chicken in +consumption, and, with Phaldoni (her servant), constitutes the +entire staff of the establishment. Whether or not Phaldoni has +any other name I do not know, but at least he answers to this +one, and every one calls him by it. A red-haired, swine-jowled, +snub-nosed, crooked lout, he is for ever wrangling with Theresa, +until the pair nearly come to blows. In short, life is not overly +pleasant in this place. Never at any time is the household wholly +at rest, for always there are people sitting up to play cards. +Sometimes, too, certain things are done of which it would be +shameful for me to speak. In particular, hardened though I am, it +astonishes me that men WITH FAMILIES should care to live in this +Sodom. For example, there is a family of poor folk who have +rented from the landlady a room which does not adjoin the other +rooms, but is set apart in a corner by itself. Yet what quiet +people they are! Not a sound is to be heard from them. The +father--he is called Gorshkov--is a little grey-headed tchinovnik +who, seven years ago, was dismissed from public service, and now +walks about in a coat so dirty and ragged that it hurts one to +see it. Indeed it is a worse coat even than mine! Also, he is so +thin and frail (at times I meet him in the corridor) that his +knees quake under him, his hands and head are tremulous with some +disease (God only knows what!), and he so fears and distrusts +everybody that he always walks alone. Reserved though I myself +am, he is even worse. As for his family, it consists of a wife +and three children. The eldest of the latter--a boy--is as frail +as his father, while the mother--a woman who, formerly, must have +been good looking, and still has a striking aspect in spite of +her pallor--goes about in the sorriest of rags. Also I have heard +that they are in debt to our landlady, as well as that she is not +overly kind to them. Moreover, I have heard that Gorshkov lost +his post through some unpleasantness or other--through a legal +suit or process of which I could not exactly tell you the nature. +Yes, they certainly are poor--Oh, my God, how poor! At the same +time, never a sound comes from their room. It is as though not a +soul were living in it. Never does one hear even the children-- +which is an unusual thing, seeing that children are ever ready to +sport and play, and if they fail to do so it is a bad sign. One +evening when I chanced to be passing the door of their room, and +all was quiet in the house, I heard through the door a sob, and +then a whisper, and then another sob, as though somebody within +were weeping, and with such subdued bitterness that it tore my +heart to hear the sound. In fact, the thought of these poor +people never left me all night, and quite prevented me from +sleeping. + +Well, good-bye, my little Barbara, my little friend beyond price. +I have described to you everything to the best of my ability. All +today you have been in my thoughts; all today my heart has been +yearning for you. I happen to know, dearest one, that you lack a +warm cloak. To me too, these St. Petersburg springs, with their +winds and their snow showers, spell death. Good heavens, how the +breezes bite one! Do not be angry, beloved, that I should write +like this. Style I have not. Would that I had! I write just what +wanders into my brain, in the hope that I may cheer you up a +little. Of course, had I had a good education, things might have +been different; but, as things were, I could not have one. Never +did I learn even to do simple sums!--Your faithful and +unchangeable friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + + April 25th + +MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Today I met my cousin Sasha. To +see her going to wrack and ruin shocked me terribly. Moreover, it +has reached me, through a side wind, that she has been making +inquiry for me, and dogging my footsteps, under the pretext that +she wishes to pardon me, to forget the past, and to renew our +acquaintance. Well, among other things she told me that, whereas +you are not a kinsman of mine, that she is my nearest relative; +that you have no right whatever to enter into family relations +with us; and that it is wrong and shameful for me to be living +upon your earnings and charity. Also, she said that I must have +forgotten all that she did for me, though thereby she saved both +myself and my mother from starvation, and gave us food and drink; +that for two and a half years we caused her great loss; and, +above all things, that she excused us what we owed her. Even my +poor mother she did not spare. Would that she, my dead parent, +could know how I am being treated! But God knows all about it. . +. . Also, Anna declared that it was solely through my own fault +that my fortunes declined after she had bettered them; that she +is in no way responsible for what then happened; and that I have +but myself to blame for having been either unable or unwilling to +defend my honour. Great God! WHO, then, has been at fault? +According to Anna, Hospodin [Mr.] Bwikov was only right when he +declined to marry a woman who-- But need I say it? It is cruel to +hear such lies as hers. What is to become of me I do not know. I +tremble and sob and weep. Indeed, even to write this letter has +cost me two hours. At least it might have been thought that Anna +would have confessed HER share in the past. Yet see what she +says! ... For the love of God do not be anxious about me, my +friend, my only benefactor. Thedora is over apt to exaggerate +matters. I am not REALLY ill. I have merely caught a little cold. +I caught it last night while I was walking to Bolkovo, to hear +Mass sung for my mother. Ah, mother, my poor mother! Could you +but rise from the grave and learn what is being done to your +daughter! + +B. D. + + + + May 20th + +MY DEAREST LITTLE BARBARA,--I am sending you a few grapes, which +are good for a convalescent person, and strongly recommended by +doctors for the allayment of fever. Also, you were saying the +other day that you would like some roses; wherefore, I now send +you a bunch. Are you at all able to eat, my darling?--for that is +the chief point which ought to be seen to. Let us thank God that +the past and all its unhappiness are gone! Yes, let us give +thanks to Heaven for that much! As for books, I cannot get hold +of any, except for a book which, written in excellent style, is, +I believe, to be had here. At all events, people keep praising it +very much, and I have begged the loan of it for myself. Should +you too like to read it? In this respect, indeed, I feel nervous, +for the reason that it is so difficult to divine what your taste +in books may be, despite my knowledge of your character. Probably +you would like poetry--the poetry of sentiment and of love +making? Well, I will send you a book of MY OWN poems. Already I +have copied out part of the manuscript. + +Everything with me is going well; so pray do not be anxious on my +account, beloved. What Thedora told you about me was sheer +rubbish. Tell her from me that she has not been speaking the +truth. Yes, do not fail to give this mischief-maker my message. +It is not the case that I have gone and sold a new uniform. Why +should I do so, seeing that I have forty roubles of salary still +to come to me? Do not be uneasy, my darling. Thedora is a +vindictive woman--merely a vindictive woman. We shall yet see +better days. Only do you get well, my angel--only do you get +well, for the love of God, lest you grieve an old man. Also, who +told you that I was looking thin? Slanders again--nothing but +slanders! I am as healthy as could be, and have grown so fat that +I am ashamed to be so sleek of paunch. Would that you were +equally healthy! . . . Now goodbye, my angel. I kiss every one of +your tiny fingers, and remain ever your constant friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + +P.S.--But what is this, dearest one, that you have written to me? +Why do you place me upon such a pedestal? Moreover, how could I +come and visit you frequently? How, I repeat? Of course, I might +avail myself of the cover of night; but, alas! the season of the +year is what it is, and includes no night time to speak of. In +fact, although, throughout your illness and delirium, I scarcely +left your side for a moment, I cannot think how I contrived to do +the many things that I did. Later, I ceased to visit you at all, +for the reason that people were beginning to notice things, and +to ask me questions. Yet, even so, a scandal has arisen. Theresa +I trust thoroughly, for she is not a talkative woman; but +consider how it will be when the truth comes out in its entirety! +What THEN will folk not say and think? Nevertheless, be of good +cheer, my beloved, and regain your health. When you have done so +we will contrive to arrange a rendezvous out of doors. + + + + June 1st + +MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--So eager am I to do something that +will please and divert you in return for your care, for your +ceaseless efforts on my behalf--in short, for your love for me-- +that I have decided to beguile a leisure hour for you by delving +into my locker, and extracting thence the manuscript which I send +you herewith. I began it during the happier period of my life, +and have continued it at intervals since. So often have you asked +me about my former existence--about my mother, about Pokrovski, +about my sojourn with Anna Thedorovna, about my more recent +misfortunes; so often have you expressed an earnest desire to +read the manuscript in which (God knows why) I have recorded +certain incidents of my life, that I feel no doubt but that the +sending of it will give you sincere pleasure. Yet somehow I feel +depressed when I read it, for I seem now to have grown twice as +old as I was when I penned its concluding lines. Ah, Makar +Alexievitch, how weary I am--how this insomnia tortures me! +Convalescence is indeed a hard thing to bear! + +B. D. + +ONE + +UP to the age of fourteen, when my father died, my childhood was +the happiest period of my life. It began very far away from here- +in the depths of the province of Tula, where my father filled the +position of steward on the vast estates of the Prince P--. Our +house was situated in one of the Prince's villages, and we lived +a quiet, obscure, but happy, life. A gay little child was I--my +one idea being ceaselessly to run about the fields and the woods +and the garden. No one ever gave me a thought, for my father was +always occupied with business affairs, and my mother with her +housekeeping. Nor did any one ever give me any lessons--a +circumstance for which I was not sorry. At earliest dawn I would +hie me to a pond or a copse, or to a hay or a harvest field, +where the sun could warm me, and I could roam wherever I liked, +and scratch my hands with bushes, and tear my clothes in pieces. +For this I used to get blamed afterwards, but I did not care. + +Had it befallen me never to quit that village--had it befallen me +to remain for ever in that spot--I should always have been happy; +but fate ordained that I should leave my birthplace even before +my girlhood had come to an end. In short, I was only twelve years +old when we removed to St. Petersburg. Ah! how it hurts me to +recall the mournful gatherings before our departure, and to +recall how bitterly I wept when the time came for us to say +farewell to all that I had held so dear! I remember throwing +myself upon my father's neck, and beseeching him with tears to +stay in the country a little longer; but he bid me be silent, and +my mother, adding her tears to mine, explained that business +matters compelled us to go. As a matter of fact, old Prince P-- +had just died, and his heirs had dismissed my father from his +post; whereupon, since he had a little money privately invested +in St. Petersburg, he bethought him that his personal presence in +the capital was necessary for the due management of his affairs. +It was my mother who told me this. Consequently we settled here +in St. Petersburg, and did not again move until my father died. + +How difficult I found it to grow accustomed to my new life! At +the time of our removal to St. Petersburg it was autumn--a season +when, in the country, the weather is clear and keen and bright, +all agricultural labour has come to an end, the great sheaves of +corn are safely garnered in the byre, and the birds are flying +hither and thither in clamorous flocks. Yes, at that season the +country is joyous and fair, but here in St. Petersburg, at the +time when we reached the city, we encountered nothing but rain, +bitter autumn frosts, dull skies, ugliness, and crowds of +strangers who looked hostile, discontented, and disposed to take +offence. However, we managed to settle down--though I remember +that in our new home there was much noise and confusion as we set +the establishment in order. After this my father was seldom at +home, and my mother had few spare moments; wherefore, I found +myself forgotten. + +The first morning after our arrival, when I awoke from sleep, how +sad I felt! I could see that our windows looked out upon a drab +space of wall, and that the street below was littered with filth. +Passers-by were few, and as they walked they kept muffling +themselves up against the cold. + +Then there ensued days when dullness and depression reigned +supreme. Scarcely a relative or an acquaintance did we possess in +St. Petersburg, and even Anna Thedorovna and my father had come +to loggerheads with one another, owing to the fact that he owed +her money. In fact, our only visitors were business callers, and +as a rule these came but to wrangle, to argue, and to raise a +disturbance. Such visits would make my father look very +discontented, and seem out of temper. For hours and hours he +would pace the room with a frown on his face and a brooding +silence on his lips. Even my mother did not dare address him at +these times, while, for my own part, I used to sit reading +quietly and humbly in a corner--not venturing to make a movement +of any sort. + +Three months after our arrival in St. Petersburg I was sent to a +boarding-school. Here I found myself thrown among strange people; +here everything was grim and uninviting, with teachers +continually shouting at me, and my fellow-pupils for ever holding +me up to derision, and myself constantly feeling awkward and +uncouth. How strict, how exacting was the system! Appointed hours +for everything, a common table, ever-insistent teachers! These +things simply worried and tortured me. Never from the first could +I sleep, but used to weep many a chill, weary night away. In the +evenings everyone would have to repeat or to learn her lessons. +As I crouched over a dialogue or a vocabulary, without daring +even to stir, how my thoughts would turn to the chimney-corner at +home, to my father, to my mother, to my old nurse, to the tales +which the latter had been used to tell! How sad it all was! The +memory of the merest trifle at home would please me, and I would +think and think how nice things used to be at home. Once more I +would be sitting in our little parlour at tea with my parents--in +the familiar little parlour where everything was snug and warm! +How ardently, how convulsively I would seem to be embracing my +mother! Thus I would ponder, until at length tears of sorrow +would softly gush forth and choke my bosom, and drive the lessons +out of my head. For I never could master the tasks of the morrow; +no matter how much my mistress and fellow-pupils might gird at +me, no matter how much I might repeat my lessons over and over to +myself, knowledge never came with the morning. Consequently, I +used to be ordered the kneeling punishment, and given only one +meal in the day. How dull and dispirited I used to feel! From the +first my fellow-pupils used to tease and deride and mock me +whenever I was saying my lessons. Also, they used to pinch me as +we were on our way to dinner or tea, and to make groundless +complaints of me to the head mistress. On the other hand, how +heavenly it seemed when, on Saturday evening, my old nurse +arrived to fetch me! How I would embrace the old woman in +transports of joy! After dressing me, and wrapping me up, she +would find that she could scarcely keep pace with me on the way +home, so full was I of chatter and tales about one thing and +another. Then, when I had arrived home merry and lighthearted, +how fervently I would embrace my parents, as though I had not +seen them for ten years. Such a fussing would there be--such a +talking and a telling of tales! To everyone I would run with a +greeting, and laugh, and giggle, and scamper about, and skip for +very joy. True, my father and I used to have grave conversations +about lessons and teachers and the French language and grammar; +yet we were all very happy and contented together. Even now it +thrills me to think of those moments. For my father's sake I +tried hard to learn my lessons, for I could see that he was +spending his last kopeck upon me, and himself subsisting God +knows how. Every day he grew more morose and discontented and +irritable; every day his character kept changing for the worse. +He had suffered an influx of debts, nor were his business affairs +prospering. As for my mother, she was afraid even to say a word, +or to weep aloud, for fear of still further angering him. +Gradually she sickened, grew thinner and thinner, and became +taken with a painful cough. Whenever I reached home from school I +would find every one low-spirited, and my mother shedding silent +tears, and my father raging. Bickering and high words would +arise, during which my father was wont to declare that, though he +no longer derived the smallest pleasure or relaxation from life, +and had spent his last coin upon my education, I had not yet +mastered the French language. In short, everything began to go +wrong, to turn to unhappiness; and for that circumstance, my +father took vengeance upon myself and my mother. How he could +treat my poor mother so I cannot understand. It used to rend my +heart to see her, so hollow were her cheeks becoming, so sunken +her eyes, so hectic her face. But it was chiefly around myself +that the disputes raged. Though beginning only with some trifle, +they would soon go on to God knows what. Frequently, even I +myself did not know to what they related. Anything and everything +would enter into them, for my father would say that I was an +utter dunce at the French language; that the head mistress of my +school was a stupid, common sort of women who cared nothing for +morals; that he (my father) had not yet succeeded in obtaining +another post; that Lamonde's "Grammar" was a wretched book--even +a worse one than Zapolski's; that a great deal of money had been +squandered upon me; that it was clear that I was wasting my time +in repeating dialogues and vocabularies; that I alone was at +fault, and that I must answer for everything. Yet this did not +arise from any WANT OF LOVE for me on the part of my father, but +rather from the fact that he was incapable of putting himself in +my own and my mother's place. It came of a defect of character. + +All these cares and worries and disappointments tortured my poor +father until he became moody and distrustful. Next he began to +neglect his health. with the result that, catching a chill, he +died, after a short illness, so suddenly and unexpectedly that +for a few days we were almost beside ourselves with the shock -- +my mother, in particular, lying for a while in such a state of +torpor that I had fears for her reason. The instant my father was +dead creditors seemed to spring up out of the ground, and to +assail us en masse. Everything that we possessed had to be +surrendered to them, including a little house which my father had +bought six months after our arrival in St. Petersburg. How +matters were finally settled I do not know, but we found +ourselves roofless, shelterless, and without a copper. My mother +was grievously ill, and of means of subsistence we had none. +Before us there loomed only ruin, sheer ruin. At the time I was +fourteen years old. Soon afterwards Anna Thedorovna came to see +us, saying that she was a lady of property and our relative; and +this my mother confirmed--though, true, she added that Anna was +only a very DISTANT relative. Anna had never taken the least +notice of us during my father's lifetime, yet now she entered our +presence with tears in her eyes, and an assurance that she meant +to better our fortunes. Having condoled with us on our loss and +destitute position, she added that my father had been to blame +for everything, in that he had lived beyond his means, and taken +upon himself more than he was able to perform. Also, she +expressed a wish to draw closer to us, and to forget old scores; +and when my mother explained that, for her own part, she +harboured no resentment against Anna, the latter burst into +tears, and, hurrying my mother away to church, then and there +ordered Mass to be said for the "dear departed," as she called my +father. In this manner she effected a solemn reconciliation with +my mother. + +Next, after long negotiations and vacillations, coupled with much +vivid description of our destitute position, our desolation, and +our helplessness, Anna invited us to pay her (as she expressed +it) a "return visit." For this my mother duly thanked her, and +considered the invitation for a while; after which, seeing that +there was nothing else to be done, she informed Anna Thedorovna +that she was prepared, gratefully, to accept her offer. Ah, how I +remember the morning when we removed to Vassilievski Island! [A +quarter of St. Petersburg.] It was a clear, dry, frosty morning +in autumn. My mother could not restrain her tears, and I too felt +depressed. Nay, my very heart seemed to be breaking under a +strange, undefined load of sorrow. How terrible it all seemed! . +. . + +II + +AT first--that is to say, until my mother and myself grew used to +our new abode--we found living at Anna Thedorovna's both strange +and disagreeable. The house was her own, and contained five +rooms, three of which she shared with my orphaned cousin, Sasha +(whom she had brought up from babyhood); a fourth was occupied by +my mother and myself; and the fifth was rented of Anna by a poor +student named Pokrovski. Although Anna lived in good style--in +far better style than might have been expected--her means and her +avocation were conjectural. Never was she at rest; never was she +not busy with some mysterious something or other. Also, she +possessed a wide and varied circle of friends. The stream of +callers was perpetual--although God only knows who they were, or +what their business was. No sooner did my mother hear the door- +bell ring than off she would carry me to our own apartment. This +greatly displeased Anna, who used again and again to assure my +mother that we were too proud for our station in life. In fact, +she would sulk for hours about it. At the time I could not +understand these reproaches, and it was not until long afterwards +that I learned--or rather, I guessed--why eventually my mother +declared that she could not go on living with Anna. Yes, Anna was +a bad woman. Never did she let us alone. As to the exact motive +why she had asked us to come and share her house with her I am +still in the dark. At first she was not altogether unkind to us +but, later, she revealed to us her real character--as soon, that +is to say, as she saw that we were at her mercy, and had nowhere +else to go. Yes, in early days she was quite kind to me--even +offensively so, but afterwards, I had to suffer as much as my +mother. Constantly did Anna reproach us; constantly did she +remind us of her benefactions, and introduce us to her friends as +poor relatives of hers whom, out of goodness of heart and for the +love of Christ, she had received into her bosom. At table, also, +she would watch every mouthful that we took; and, if our appetite +failed, immediately she would begin as before, and reiterate that +we were over-dainty, that we must not assume that riches would +mean happiness, and that we had better go and live by ourselves. +Moreover, she never ceased to inveigh against my father--saying +that he had sought to be better than other people, and thereby +had brought himself to a bad end; that he had left his wife and +daughter destitute; and that, but for the fact that we had +happened to meet with a kind and sympathetic Christian soul, God +alone knew where we should have laid our heads, save in the +street. What did that woman not say? To hear her was not so much +galling as disgusting. From time to time my mother would burst +into tears, her health grew worse from day to day, and her body +was becoming sheer skin and bone. All the while, too, we had to +work--to work from morning till night, for we had contrived to +obtain some employment as occasional sempstresses. This, however, +did not please Anna, who used to tell us that there was no room +in her house for a modiste's establishment. Yet we had to get +clothes to wear, to provide for unforeseen expenses, and to have +a little money at our disposal in case we should some day wish to +remove elsewhere. Unfortunately, the strain undermined my +mother's health, and she became gradually weaker. Sickness, like +a cankerworm, was gnawing at her life, and dragging her towards +the tomb. Well could I see what she was enduring, what she was +suffering. Yes, it all lay open to my eyes. + +Day succeeded day, and each day was like the last one. We lived a +life as quiet as though we had been in the country. Anna herself +grew quieter in proportion as she came to realise the extent of +her power over us. In nothing did we dare to thwart her. From her +portion of the house our apartment was divided by a corridor, +while next to us (as mentioned above) dwelt a certain Pokrovski, +who was engaged in teaching Sasha the French and German +languages, as well as history and geography--"all the sciences," +as Anna used to say. In return for these services he received +free board and lodging. As for Sasha, she was a clever, but rude +and uncouth, girl of thirteen. On one occasion Anna remarked to +my mother that it might be as well if I also were to take some +lessons, seeing that my education had been neglected at school; +and, my mother joyfully assenting, I joined Sasha for a year in +studying under this Pokrovski. + +The latter was a poor--a very poor--young man whose health would +not permit of his undertaking the regular university course. +Indeed, it was only for form's sake that we called him "The +Student." He lived in such a quiet, humble, retiring fashion that +never a sound reached us from his room. Also, his exterior was +peculiar--he moved and walked awkwardly, and uttered his words in +such a strange manner that at first I could never look at him +without laughing. Sasha was for ever playing tricks upon him-- +more especially when he was giving us our lessons. But +unfortunately, he was of a temperament as excitable as herself. +Indeed, he was so irritable that the least trifle would send him +into a frenzy, and set him shouting at us, and complaining of our +conduct. Sometimes he would even rush away to his room before +school hours were over, and sit there for days over his books, of +which he had a store that was both rare and valuable. In +addition, he acted as teacher at another establishment, and +received payment for his services there; and, whenever he had +received his fees for this extra work, he would hasten off and +purchase more books. + +In time I got to know and like him better, for in reality he was +a good, worthy fellow--more so than any of the people with whom +we otherwise came in contact. My mother in particular had a great +respect for him, and, after herself, he was my best friend. But +at first I was just an overgrown hoyden, and joined Sasha in +playing the fool. For hours we would devise tricks to anger and +distract him, for he looked extremely ridiculous when he was +angry, and so diverted us the more (ashamed though I am now to +admit it). But once, when we had driven him nearly to tears, I +heard him say to himself under his breath, "What cruel children!" +and instantly I repented--I began to feel sad and ashamed and +sorry for him. I reddened to my ears, and begged him, almost with +tears, not to mind us, nor to take offence at our stupid jests. +Nevertheless, without finishing the lesson, he closed his book, +and departed to his own room. All that day I felt torn with +remorse. To think that we two children had forced him, the poor, +the unhappy one, to remember his hard lot! And at night I could +not sleep for grief and regret. Remorse is said to bring relief +to the soul, but it is not so. How far my grief was internally +connected with my conceit I do not know, but at least I did not +wish him to think me a baby, seeing that I had now reached the +age of fifteen years. Therefore, from that day onwards I began to +torture my imagination with devising a thousand schemes which +should compel Pokrovski to alter his opinion of me. At the same +time, being yet shy and reserved by nature, I ended by finding +that, in my present position, I could make up my mind to nothing +but vague dreams (and such dreams I had). However, I ceased to +join Sasha in playing the fool, while Pokrovski, for his part, +ceased to lose his temper with us so much. Unfortunately this was +not enough to satisfy my self-esteem. + +At this point, I must say a few words about the strangest, the +most interesting, the most pitiable human being that I have ever +come across. I speak of him now--at this particular point in +these memoirs--for the reason that hitherto I had paid him no +attention whatever, and began to do so now only because +everything connected with Pokrovski had suddenly become of +absorbing interest in my eyes. + +Sometimes there came to the house a ragged, poorly-dressed, grey- +headed, awkward, amorphous--in short, a very strange-looking-- +little old man. At first glance it might have been thought that +he was perpetually ashamed of something--that he had on his +conscience something which always made him, as it were, bristle +up and then shrink into himself. Such curious starts and grimaces +did he indulge in that one was forced to conclude that he was +scarcely in his right mind. On arriving, he would halt for a +while by the window in the hall, as though afraid to enter; +until, should any one happen to pass in or out of the door-- +whether Sasha or myself or one of the servants (to the latter he +always resorted the most readily, as being the most nearly akin +to his own class)--he would begin to gesticulate and to beckon to +that person, and to make various signs. Then, should the person +in question nod to him, or call him by name (the recognised token +that no other visitor was present, and that he might enter +freely), he would open the door gently, give a smile of +satisfaction as he rubbed his hands together, and proceed on +tiptoe to young Pokrovski's room. This old fellow was none other +than Pokrovski's father. + +Later I came to know his story in detail. Formerly a civil +servant, he had possessed no additional means, and so had +occupied a very low and insignificant position in the service. +Then, after his first wife (mother of the younger Pokrovski) had +died, the widower bethought him of marrying a second time, and +took to himself a tradesman's daughter, who soon assumed the +reins over everything, and brought the home to rack and ruin, so +that the old man was worse off than before. But to the younger +Pokrovski, fate proved kinder, for a landowner named Bwikov, who +had formerly known the lad's father and been his benefactor, took +the boy under his protection, and sent him to school. Another +reason why this Bwikov took an interest in young Pokrovski was +that he had known the lad's dead mother, who, while still a +serving-maid, had been befriended by Anna Thedorovna, and +subsequently married to the elder Pokrovski. At the wedding +Bwikov, actuated by his friendship for Anna, conferred upon the +young bride a dowry of five thousand roubles; but whither that +money had since disappeared I cannot say. It was from Anna's lips +that I heard the story, for the student Pokrovski was never prone +to talk about his family affairs. His mother was said to have +been very good-looking; wherefore, it is the more mysterious why +she should have made so poor a match. She died when young--only +four years after her espousal. + +From school the young Pokrovski advanced to a gymnasium, +[Secondary school.] and thence to the University, where Bwikov, +who frequently visited the capital, continued to accord the youth +his protection. Gradually, however, ill health put an end to the +young man's university course; whereupon Bwikov introduced and +personally recommended him to Anna Thedorovna, and he came to +lodge with her on condition that he taught Sasha whatever might +be required of him. + +Grief at the harshness of his wife led the elder Pokrovski to +plunge into dissipation, and to remain in an almost permanent +condition of drunkenness. Constantly his wife beat him, or sent +him to sit in the kitchen-- with the result that in time, he +became so inured to blows and neglect, that he ceased to +complain. Still not greatly advanced in years, he had +nevertheless endangered his reason through evil courses--his only +sign of decent human feeling being his love for his son. The +latter was said to resemble his dead mother as one pea may +resemble another. What recollections, therefore, of the kind +helpmeet of former days may not have moved the breast of the poor +broken old man to this boundless affection for the boy? Of naught +else could the father ever speak but of his son, and never did he +fail to visit him twice a week. To come oftener he did not dare, +for the reason that the younger Pokrovski did not like these +visits of his father's. In fact, there can be no doubt that the +youth's greatest fault was his lack of filial respect. Yet the +father was certainly rather a difficult person to deal with, for, +in the first place, he was extremely inquisitive, while, in the +second place, his long-winded conversation and questions-- +questions of the most vapid and senseless order conceivable-- +always prevented the son from working. Likewise, the old man +occasionally arrived there drunk. Gradually, however, the son was +weaning his parent from his vicious ways and everlasting +inquisitiveness, and teaching the old man to look upon him, his +son, as an oracle, and never to speak without that son's +permission. + +On the subject of his Petinka, as he called him, the poor old man +could never sufficiently rhapsodise and dilate. Yet when he +arrived to see his son he almost invariably had on his face a +downcast, timid expression that was probably due to uncertainty +concerning the way in which he would be received. For a long time +he would hesitate to enter, and if I happened to be there he +would question me for twenty minutes or so as to whether his +Petinka was in good health, as well as to the sort of mood he was +in, whether he was engaged on matters of importance, what +precisely he was doing (writing or meditating), and so on. Then, +when I had sufficiently encouraged and reassured the old man, he +would make up his mind to enter, and quietly and cautiously open +the door. Next, he would protrude his head through the chink, and +if he saw that his son was not angry, but threw him a nod, he +would glide noiselessly into the room, take off his scarf, and +hang up his hat (the latter perennially in a bad state of repair, +full of holes, and with a smashed brim)--the whole being done +without a word or a sound of any kind. Next, the old man would +seat himself warily on a chair, and, never removing his eyes from +his son, follow his every movement, as though seeking to gauge +Petinka's state of mind. On the other hand, if the son was not in +good spirits, the father would make a note of the fact, and at +once get up, saying that he had "only called for a minute or +two," that, "having been out for a long walk, and happening at +the moment to be passing," he had "looked in for a moment's +rest." Then silently and humbly the old man would resume his hat +and scarf; softly he would open the door, and noiselessly depart +with a forced smile on his face--the better to bear the +disappointment which was seething in his breast, the better to +help him not to show it to his son. + +On the other hand, whenever the son received his father civilly +the old man would be struck dumb with joy. Satisfaction would +beam in his face, in his every gesture, in his every movement. +And if the son deigned to engage in conversation with him, the +old man always rose a little from his chair, and answered softly, +sympathetically, with something like reverence, while strenuously +endeavouring to make use of the most recherche (that is to say, +the most ridiculous) expressions. But, alas! He had not the gift +of words. Always he grew confused, and turned red in the face; +never did he know what to do with his hands or with himself. +Likewise, whenever he had returned an answer of any kind, he +would go on repeating the same in a whisper, as though he were +seeking to justify what he had just said. And if he happened to +have returned a good answer, he would begin to preen himself, and +to straighten his waistcoat, frockcoat and tie, and to assume an +air of conscious dignity. Indeed, on these occasions he would +feel so encouraged, he would carry his daring to such a pitch, +that, rising softly from his chair, he would approach the +bookshelves, take thence a book, and read over to himself some +passage or another. All this he would do with an air of feigned +indifference and sangfroid, as though he were free ALWAYS to use +his son's books, and his son's kindness were no rarity at all. +Yet on one occasion I saw the poor old fellow actually turn pale +on being told by his son not to touch the books. Abashed and +confused, he, in his awkward hurry, replaced the volume wrong +side uppermost; whereupon, with a supreme effort to recover +himself, he turned it round with a smile and a blush, as though +he were at a loss how to view his own misdemeanour. Gradually, as +already said, the younger Pokrovski weaned his father from his +dissipated ways by giving him a small coin whenever, on three +successive occasions, he (the father) arrived sober. Sometimes, +also, the younger man would buy the older one shoes, or a tie, or +a waistcoat; whereafter, the old man would be as proud of his +acquisition as a peacock. Not infrequently, also, the old man +would step in to visit ourselves, and bring Sasha and myself +gingerbread birds or apples, while talking unceasingly of +Petinka. Always he would beg of us to pay attention to our +lessons, on the plea that Petinka was a good son, an exemplary +son, a son who was in twofold measure a man of learning; after +which he would wink at us so quizzingly with his left eye, and +twist himself about in such amusing fashion, that we were forced +to burst out laughing. My mother had a great liking for him, but +he detested Anna Thedorovna--although in her presence he would be +quieter than water and lowlier than the earth. + +Soon after this I ceased to take lessons of Pokrovski. Even now +he thought me a child, a raw schoolgirl, as much as he did Sasha; +and this hurt me extremely, seeing that I had done so much to +expiate my former behaviour. Of my efforts in this direction no +notice had been taken, and the fact continued to anger me more +and more. Scarcely ever did I address a word to my tutor between +school hours, for I simply could not bring myself to do it. If I +made the attempt I only grew red and confused, and rushed away to +weep in a corner. How it would all have ended I do not know, had +not a curious incident helped to bring about a rapprochement. One +evening, when my mother was sitting in Anna Thedorovna's room, I +crept on tiptoe to Pokrovski's apartment, in the belief that he +was not at home. Some strange impulse moved me to do so. True, we +had lived cheek by jowl with one another; yet never once had I +caught a glimpse of his abode. Consequently my heart beat loudly- +- so loudly, indeed, that it seemed almost to be bursting from my +breast. On entering the room I glanced around me with tense +interest. The apartment was very poorly furnished, and bore few +traces of orderliness. On table and chairs there lay heaps of +books; everywhere were books and papers. Then a strange thought +entered my head, as well as, with the thought, an unpleasant +feeling of irritation. It seemed to me that my friendship, my +heart's affection, meant little to him, for HE was well-educated, +whereas I was stupid, and had learned nothing, and had read not a +single book. So I stood looking wistfully at the long bookshelves +where they groaned under their weight of volumes. I felt filled +with grief, disappointment, and a sort of frenzy. I felt that I +MUST read those books, and decided to do so--to read them one by +one, and with all possible speed. Probably the idea was that, by +learning whatsoever HE knew, I should render myself more worthy +of his friendship. So, I made a rush towards the bookcase nearest +me, and, without stopping further to consider matters, seized +hold of the first dusty tome upon which my hands chanced to +alight, and, reddening and growing pale by turns, and trembling +with fear and excitement, clasped the stolen book to my breast +with the intention of reading it by candle light while my mother +lay asleep at night. + +But how vexed I felt when, on returning to our own room, and +hastily turning the pages, only an old, battered worm-eaten Latin +work greeted my eyes! Without loss of time I retraced my steps. +Just when I was about to replace the book I heard a noise in the +corridor outside, and the sound of footsteps approaching. +Fumblingly I hastened to complete what I was about, but the +tiresome book had become so tightly wedged into its row that, on +being pulled out, it caused its fellows to close up too compactly +to leave any place for their comrade. To insert the book was +beyond my strength; yet still I kept pushing and pushing at the +row. At last the rusty nail which supported the shelf (the thing +seemed to have been waiting on purpose for that moment!) broke +off short; with the result that the shelf descended with a crash, +and the books piled themselves in a heap on the floor! Then the +door of the room opened, and Pokrovski entered! + +I must here remark that he never could bear to have his +possessions tampered with. Woe to the person, in particular, who +touched his books! Judge, therefore, of my horror when books +small and great, books of every possible shape and size and +thickness, came tumbling from the shelf, and flew and sprang over +the table, and under the chairs, and about the whole room. I +would have turned and fled, but it was too late. "All is over!" +thought I. "All is over! I am ruined, I am undone! Here have I +been playing the fool like a ten-year-old child! What a stupid +girl I am! The monstrous fool!" + +Indeed, Pokrovski was very angry. "What? Have you not done +enough?" he cried. "Are you not ashamed to be for ever indulging +in such pranks? Are you NEVER going to grow sensible?" With that +he darted forward to pick up the books, while I bent down to help +him. + +"You need not, you need not!" he went on. "You would have done +far better not to have entered without an invitation." + +Next, a little mollified by my humble demeanour, he resumed in +his usual tutorial tone--the tone which he had adopted in his +new- found role of preceptor: + +"When are you going to grow steadier and more thoughtful? +Consider yourself for a moment. You are no longer a child, a +little girl, but a maiden of fifteen." + +Then, with a desire (probably) to satisfy himself that I was no +longer a being of tender years, he threw me a glance--but +straightway reddened to his very ears. This I could not +understand, but stood gazing at him in astonishment. Presently, +he straightened himself a little, approached me with a sort of +confused expression, and haltingly said something--probably it +was an apology for not having before perceived that I was now a +grown-up young person. But the next moment I understood. What I +did I hardly know, save that, in my dismay and confusion, I +blushed even more hotly than he had done and, covering my face +with my hands, rushed from the room. + +What to do with myself for shame I could not think. The one +thought in my head was that he had surprised me in his room. For +three whole days I found myself unable to raise my eyes to his, +but blushed always to the point of weeping. The strangest and +most confused of thoughts kept entering my brain. One of them-- +the most extravagant--was that I should dearly like to go to +Pokrovski, and to explain to him the situation, and to make full +confession, and to tell him everything without concealment, and +to assure him that I had not acted foolishly as a minx, but +honestly and of set purpose. In fact, I DID make up my mind to +take this course, but lacked the necessary courage to do it. If I +had done so, what a figure I should have cut! Even now I am +ashamed to think of it. + +A few days later, my mother suddenly fell dangerously ill. For +two days past she had not left her bed, while during the third +night of her illness she became seized with fever and delirium. I +also had not closed my eyes during the previous night, but now +waited upon my mother, sat by her bed, brought her drink at +intervals, and gave her medicine at duly appointed hours. The +next night I suffered terribly. Every now and then sleep would +cause me to nod, and objects grow dim before my eyes. Also, my +head was turning dizzy, and I could have fainted for very +weariness. Yet always my mother's feeble moans recalled me to +myself as I started, momentarily awoke, and then again felt +drowsiness overcoming me. What torture it was! I do not know, I +cannot clearly remember, but I think that, during a moment when +wakefulness was thus contending with slumber, a strange dream, a +horrible vision, visited my overwrought brain, and I awoke in +terror. The room was nearly in darkness, for the candle was +flickering, and throwing stray beams of light which suddenly +illuminated the room, danced for a moment on the walls, and then +disappeared. Somehow I felt afraid--a sort of horror had come +upon me--my imagination had been over-excited by the evil dream +which I had experienced, and a feeling of oppression was crushing +my heart.... I leapt from the chair, and involuntarily uttered a +cry--a cry wrung from me by the terrible, torturing sensation +that was upon me. Presently the door opened, and Pokrovski +entered. + +I remember that I was in his arms when I recovered my senses. +Carefully seating me on a bench, he handed me a glass of water, +and then asked me a few questions--though how I answered them I +do not know. "You yourself are ill," he said as he took my hand. +"You yourself are VERY ill. You are feverish, and I can see that +you are knocking yourself out through your neglect of your own +health. Take a little rest. Lie down and go to sleep. Yes, lie +down, lie down," he continued without giving me time to protest. +Indeed, fatigue had so exhausted my strength that my eyes were +closing from very weakness. So I lay down on the bench with the +intention of sleeping for half an hour only; but, I slept till +morning. Pokrovski then awoke me, saying that it was time for me +to go and give my mother her medicine. + +When the next evening, about eight o'clock, I had rested a little +and was preparing to spend the night in a chair beside my mother +(fixedly meaning not to go to sleep this time), Pokrovski +suddenly knocked at the door. I opened it, and he informed me +that, since, possibly, I might find the time wearisome, he had +brought me a few books to read. I accepted the books, but do not, +even now, know what books they were, nor whether I looked into +them, despite the fact that I never closed my eyes the whole +night long. The truth was that a strange feeling of excitement +was preventing me from sleeping, and I could not rest long in any +one spot, but had to keep rising from my chair, and walking about +the room. Throughout my whole being there seemed to be diffused a +kind of elation--of elation at Pokrovski's attentions, at the +thought that he was anxious and uneasy about me. Until dawn I +pondered and dreamed; and though I felt sure Pokrovski would not +again visit us that night, I gave myself up to fancies concerning +what he might do the following evening. + +That evening, when everyone else in the house had retired to +rest, Pokrovski opened his door, and opened a conversation from +the threshold of his room. Although, at this distance of time, I +cannot remember a word of what we said to one another, I remember +that I blushed, grew confused, felt vexed with myself, and +awaited with impatience the end of the conversation although I +myself had been longing for the meeting to take place, and had +spent the day in dreaming of it, and devising a string of +suitable questions and replies. Yes, that evening saw the first +strand in our friendship knitted; and each subsequent night of my +mother's illness we spent several hours together. Little by +little I overcame his reserve, but found that each of these +conversations left me filled with a sense of vexation at myself. +At the same time, I could see with secret joy and a sense of +proud elation that I was leading him to forget his tiresome +books. At last the conversation turned jestingly upon the +upsetting of the shelf. The moment was a peculiar one, for it +came upon me just when I was in the right mood for self- +revelation and candour. In my ardour, my curious phase of +exaltation, I found myself led to make a full confession of the +fact that I had become wishful to learn, to KNOW, something, +since I had felt hurt at being taken for a chit, a mere baby. . . +. I repeat that that night I was in a very strange frame of mind. +My heart was inclined to be tender, and there were tears standing +in my eyes. Nothing did I conceal as I told him about my +friendship for him, about my desire to love him, about my scheme +for living in sympathy with him and comforting him, and making +his life easier. In return he threw me a look of confusion +mingled with astonishment, and said nothing. Then suddenly I +began to feel terribly pained and disappointed, for I conceived +that he had failed to understand me, or even that he might be +laughing at me. Bursting into tears like a child, I sobbed, and +could not stop myself, for I had fallen into a kind of fit; +whereupon he seized my hand, kissed it, and clasped it to his +breast--saying various things, meanwhile, to comfort me, for he +was labouring under a strong emotion. Exactly what he said I do +not remember--I merely wept and laughed by turns, and blushed, +and found myself unable to speak a word for joy. Yet, for all my +agitation, I noticed that about him there still lingered an air +of constraint and uneasiness. Evidently, he was lost in wonder at +my enthusiasm and raptures--at my curiously ardent, unexpected, +consuming friendship. It may be that at first he was amazed, but +that afterwards he accepted my devotion and words of invitation +and expressions of interest with the same simple frankness as I +had offered them, and responded to them with an interest, a +friendliness, a devotion equal to my own, even as a friend or a +brother would do. How happy, how warm was the feeling in my +heart! Nothing had I concealed or repressed. No, I had bared all +to his sight, and each day would see him draw nearer to me. + +Truly I could not say what we did not talk about during those +painful, yet rapturous, hours when, by the trembling light of a +lamp, and almost at the very bedside of my poor sick mother, we +kept midnight tryst. Whatsoever first came into our heads we +spoke of--whatsoever came riven from our hearts, whatsoever +seemed to call for utterance, found voice. And almost always we +were happy. What a grievous, yet joyous, period it was--a period +grievous and joyous at the same time! To this day it both hurts +and delights me to recall it. Joyous or bitter though it was, its +memories are yet painful. At least they seem so to me, though a +certain sweetness assuaged the pain. So, whenever I am feeling +heartsick and oppressed and jaded and sad those memories return +to freshen and revive me, even as drops of evening dew return to +freshen and revive, after a sultry day, the poor faded flower +which has long been drooping in the noontide heat. + +My mother grew better, but still I continued to spend the nights +on a chair by her bedside. Often, too, Pokrovski would give me +books. At first I read them merely so as to avoid going to sleep, +but afterwards I examined them with more attention, and +subsequently with actual avidity, for they opened up to me a new, +an unexpected, an unknown, an unfamiliar world. New thoughts, +added to new impressions, would come pouring into my heart in a +rich flood; and the more emotion, the more pain and labour, it +cost me to assimilate these new impressions, the dearer did they +become to me, and the more gratefully did they stir my soul to +its very depths. Crowding into my heart without giving it time +even to breathe, they would cause my whole being to become lost +in a wondrous chaos. Yet this spiritual ferment was not +sufficiently strong wholly to undo me. For that I was too +fanciful, and the fact saved me. + +With the passing of my mother's illness the midnight meetings and +long conversations between myself and Pokrovski came to an end. +Only occasionally did we exchange a few words with one another-- +words, for the most part, that were of little purport or +substance, yet words to which it delighted me to apportion their +several meanings, their peculiar secret values. My life had now +become full-- I was happy; I was quietly, restfully happy. Thus +did several weeks elapse.... + +One day the elder Pokrovski came to see us, and chattered in a +brisk, cheerful, garrulous sort of way. He laughed, launched out +into witticisms, and, finally, resolved the riddle of his +transports by informing us that in a week's time it would be his +Petinka's birthday, when, in honour of the occasion, he (the +father) meant to don a new jacket (as well as new shoes which his +wife was going to buy for him), and to come and pay a visit to +his son. In short, the old man was perfectly happy, and gossiped +about whatsoever first entered his head. + +My lover's birthday! Thenceforward, I could not rest by night or +day. Whatever might happen, it was my fixed intention to remind +Pokrovski of our friendship by giving him a present. But what +sort of present? Finally, I decided to give him books. I knew +that he had long wanted to possess a complete set of Pushkin's +works, in the latest edition; so, I decided to buy Pushkin. My +private fund consisted of thirty roubles, earned by handiwork, +and designed eventually to procure me a new dress, but at once I +dispatched our cook, old Matrena, to ascertain the price of such +an edition. Horrors! The price of the eleven volumes, added to +extra outlay upon the binding, would amount to at least SIXTY +roubles! Where was the money to come from? I thought and thought, +yet could not decide. I did not like to resort to my mother. Of +course she would help me, but in that case every one in the house +would become aware of my gift, and the gift itself would assume +the guise of a recompense--of payment for Pokrovski's labours on +my behalf during the past year; whereas, I wished to present the +gift ALONE, and without the knowledge of anyone. For the trouble +that he had taken with me I wished to be his perpetual debtor--to +make him no payment at all save my friendship. At length, I +thought of a way out of the difficulty. + +I knew that of the hucksters in the Gostinni Dvor one could +sometimes buy a book--even one that had been little used and was +almost entirely new--for a half of its price, provided that one +haggled sufficiently over it; wherefore I determined to repair +thither. It so happened that, next day, both Anna Thedorovna and +ourselves were in want of sundry articles; and since my mother +was unwell and Anna lazy, the execution of the commissions +devolved upon me, and I set forth with Matrena. + +Luckily, I soon chanced upon a set of Pushkin, handsomely bound, +and set myself to bargain for it. At first more was demanded than +would have been asked of me in a shop; but afterwards--though not +without a great deal of trouble on my part, and several feints at +departing--I induced the dealer to lower his price, and to limit +his demands to ten roubles in silver. How I rejoiced that I had +engaged in this bargaining! Poor Matrena could not imagine what +had come to me, nor why I so desired to buy books. But, oh horror +of horrors! As soon as ever the dealer caught sight of my capital +of thirty roubles in notes, he refused to let the Pushkin go for +less than the sum he had first named; and though, in answer to my +prayers and protestations, he eventually yielded a little, he did +so only to the tune of two-and-a-half roubles more than I +possessed, while swearing that he was making the concession for +my sake alone, since I was "a sweet young lady," and that he +would have done so for no one else in the world. To think that +only two-and-a-half roubles should still be wanting! I could have +wept with vexation. Suddenly an unlooked-for circumstance +occurred to help me in my distress. + +Not far away, near another table that was heaped with books, I +perceived the elder Pokrovski, and a crowd of four or five +hucksters plaguing him nearly out of his senses. Each of these +fellows was proffering the old man his own particular wares; and +while there was nothing that they did not submit for his +approval, there was nothing that he wished to buy. The poor old +fellow had the air of a man who is receiving a thrashing. What to +make of what he was being offered him he did not know. +Approaching him, I inquired what he happened to be doing there; +whereat the old man was delighted, since he liked me (it may be) +no less than he did Petinka. + +"I am buying some books, Barbara Alexievna," said he, "I am +buying them for my Petinka. It will be his birthday soon, and +since he likes books I thought I would get him some. " + +The old man always expressed himself in a very roundabout sort of +fashion, and on the present occasion he was doubly, terribly +confused. Of no matter what book he asked the price, it was sure +to be one, two, or three roubles. The larger books he could not +afford at all; he could only look at them wistfully, fumble their +leaves with his finger, turn over the volumes in his hands, and +then replace them. "No, no, that is too dear," he would mutter +under his breath. "I must go and try somewhere else." Then again +he would fall to examining copy-books, collections of poems, and +almanacs of the cheaper order. + +"Why should you buy things like those?" I asked him. "They are +such rubbish!" + +"No, no!" he replied. " See what nice books they are! Yes, they +ARE nice books!" Yet these last words he uttered so lingeringly +that I could see he was ready to weep with vexation at finding +the better sorts of books so expensive. Already a little tear was +trickling down his pale cheeks and red nose. I inquired whether +he had much money on him; whereupon the poor old fellow pulled +out his entire stock, wrapped in a piece of dirty newspaper, and +consisting of a few small silver coins, with twenty kopecks in +copper. At once I seized the lot, and, dragging him off to my +huckster, said: " Look here. These eleven volumes of Pushkin are +priced at thirty-two-and-a-half roubles, and I have only thirty +roubles. Let us add to them these two-and- a-half roubles of +yours, and buy the books together, and make them our joint gift." +The old man was overjoyed, and pulled out his money en masse; +whereupon the huckster loaded him with our common library. +Stuffing it into his pockets, as well as filling both arms with +it, he departed homewards with his prize, after giving me his +word to bring me the books privately on the morrow. + +Next day the old man came to see his son, and sat with him, as +usual, for about an hour; after which he visited ourselves, +wearing on his face the most comical, the most mysterious +expression conceivable. Smiling broadly with satisfaction at the +thought that he was the possessor of a secret, he informed me +that he had stealthily brought the books to our rooms, and hidden +them in a corner of the kitchen, under Matrena's care. Next, by a +natural transition, the conversation passed to the coming fete- +day; whereupon, the old man proceeded to hold forth extensively +on the subject of gifts. The further he delved into his thesis, +and the more he expounded it, the clearer could I see that on his +mind there was something which he could not, dared not, divulge. +So I waited and kept silent. The mysterious exaltation, the +repressed satisfaction which I had hitherto discerned in his +antics and grimaces and left-eyed winks gradually disappeared, +and he began to grow momentarily more anxious and uneasy. At +length he could contain himself no longer. + +"Listen, Barbara Alexievna," he said timidly. "Listen to what I +have got to say to you. When his birthday is come, do you take +TEN of the books, and give them to him yourself--that is, FOR +yourself, as being YOUR share of the gift. Then I will take the +eleventh book, and give it to him MYSELF, as being my gift. If we +do that, you will have a present for him and I shall have one-- +both of us alike." + +"Why do you not want us to present our gifts together, Zachar +Petrovitch?" I asked him. + +"Oh, very well," he replied. "Very well, Barbara Alexievna. Only- +only, I thought that--" + +The old man broke off in confusion, while his face flushed with +the exertion of thus expressing himself. For a moment or two he +sat glued to his seat. + +"You see," he went on, "I play the fool too much. I am forever +playing the fool, and cannot help myself, though I know that it +is wrong to do so. At home it is often cold, and sometimes there +are other troubles as well, and it all makes me depressed. Well, +whenever that happens, I indulge a little, and occasionally drink +too much. Now, Petinka does not like that; he loses his temper +about it, Barbara Alexievna, and scolds me, and reads me +lectures. So I want by my gift to show him that I am mending my +ways, and beginning to conduct myself better. For a long time +past, I have been saving up to buy him a book--yes, for a long +time past I have been saving up for it, since it is seldom that I +have any money, unless Petinka happens to give me some. He knows +that, and, consequently, as soon as ever he perceives the use to +which I have put his money, he will understand that it is for his +sake alone that I have acted." + +My heart ached for the old man. Seeing him looking at me with +such anxiety, I made up my mind without delay. + +"I tell you what," I said. "Do you give him all the books." + +"ALL?" he ejaculated. "ALL the books?" + +"Yes, all of them." + +"As my own gift?" "Yes, as your own gift." + +"As my gift alone?" + +"Yes, as your gift alone." + +Surely I had spoken clearly enough, yet the old man seemed hardly +to understand me. + +"Well," said he after reflection, "that certainly would be +splendid--certainly it would be most splendid. But what about +yourself, Barbara Alexievna?" + +"Oh, I shall give your son nothing." + +"What?" he cried in dismay. "Are you going to give Petinka +nothing--do you WISH to give him nothing?" So put about was the +old fellow with what I had said, that he seemed almost ready to +renounce his own proposal if only I would give his son something. +What a kind heart he had! I hastened to assure him that I should +certainly have a gift of some sort ready, since my one wish was +to avoid spoiling his pleasure. + +"Provided that your son is pleased," I added, "and that you are +pleased, I shall be equally pleased, for in my secret heart I +shall feel as though I had presented the gift." + +This fully reassured the old man. He stopped with us another +couple of hours, yet could not sit still for a moment, but kept +jumping up from his seat, laughing, cracking jokes with Sasha, +bestowing stealthy kisses upon myself, pinching my hands, and +making silent grimaces at Anna Thedorovna. At length, she turned +him out of the house. In short, his transports of joy exceeded +anything that I had yet beheld. + +On the festal day he arrived exactly at eleven o'clock, direct +from Mass. He was dressed in a carefully mended frockcoat, a new +waistcoat, and a pair of new shoes, while in his arms he carried +our pile of books. Next we all sat down to coffee (the day being +Sunday) in Anna Thedorovna's parlour. The old man led off the +meal by saying that Pushkin was a magnificent poet. Thereafter, +with a return to shamefacedness and confusion, he passed suddenly +to the statement that a man ought to conduct himself properly; +that, should he not do so, it might be taken as a sign that he +was in some way overindulging himself; and that evil tendencies +of this sort led to the man's ruin and degradation. Then the +orator sketched for our benefit some terrible instances of such +incontinence, and concluded by informing us that for some time +past he had been mending his own ways, and conducting himself in +exemplary fashion, for the reason that he had perceived the +justice of his son's precepts, and had laid them to heart so well +that he, the father, had really changed for the better: in proof +whereof, he now begged to present to the said son some books for +which he had long been setting aside his savings. + +As I listened to the old man I could not help laughing and crying +in a breath. Certainly he knew how to lie when the occasion +required! The books were transferred to his son's room, and +arranged upon a shelf, where Pokrovski at once guessed the truth +about them. Then the old man was invited to dinner and we all +spent a merry day together at cards and forfeits. Sasha was full +of life, and I rivalled her, while Pokrovski paid me numerous +attentions, and kept seeking an occasion to speak to me alone. +But to allow this to happen I refused. Yes, taken all in all, it +was the happiest day that I had known for four years. + +But now only grievous, painful memories come to my recollection, +for I must enter upon the story of my darker experiences. It may +be that that is why my pen begins to move more slowly, and seems +as though it were going altogether to refuse to write. The same +reason may account for my having undertaken so lovingly and +enthusiastically a recounting of even the smallest details of my +younger, happier days. But alas! those days did not last long, +and were succeeded by a period of black sorrow which will close +only God knows when! + +My misfortunes began with the illness and death of Pokrovski, who +was taken worse two months after what I have last recorded in +these memoirs. During those two months he worked hard to procure +himself a livelihood since hitherto he had had no assured +position. Like all consumptives, he never--not even up to his +last moment--altogether abandoned the hope of being able to enjoy +a long life. A post as tutor fell in his way, but he had never +liked the profession; while for him to become a civil servant was +out of the question, owing to his weak state of health. Moreover, +in the latter capacity he would have had to have waited a long +time for his first instalment of salary. Again, he always looked +at the darker side of things, for his character was gradually +being warped, and his health undermined by his illness, though he +never noticed it. Then autumn came on, and daily he went out to +business--that is to say, to apply for and to canvass for posts-- +clad only in a light jacket; with the result that, after repeated +soakings with rain, he had to take to his bed, and never again +left it. He died in mid-autumn at the close of the month of +October. + +Throughout his illness I scarcely ever left his room, but waited +on him hand and foot. Often he could not sleep for several nights +at a time. Often, too, he was unconscious, or else in a delirium; +and at such times he would talk of all sorts of things--of his +work, of his books, of his father, of myself. At such times I +learned much which I had not hitherto known or divined about his +affairs. During the early part of his illness everyone in the +house looked askance at me, and Anna Thedorovna would nod her +head in a meaning manner; but, I always looked them straight in +the face, and gradually they ceased to take any notice of my +concern for Pokrovski. At all events my mother ceased to trouble +her head about it. + +Sometimes Pokrovski would know who I was, but not often, for more +usually he was unconscious. Sometimes, too, he would talk all +night with some unknown person, in dim, mysterious language that +caused his gasping voice to echo hoarsely through the narrow room +as through a sepulchre; and at such times, I found the situation +a strange one. During his last night he was especially +lightheaded, for then he was in terrible agony, and kept rambling +in his speech until my soul was torn with pity. Everyone in the +house was alarmed, and Anna Thedorovna fell to praying that God +might soon take him. When the doctor had been summoned, the +verdict was that the patient would die with the morning. + +That night the elder Pokrovski spent in the corridor, at the door +of his son's room. Though given a mattress to lie upon, he spent +his time in running in and out of the apartment. So broken with +grief was he that he presented a dreadful spectacle, and appeared +to have lost both perception and feeling. His head trembled with +agony, and his body quivered from head to foot as at times he +murmured to himself something which he appeared to be debating. +Every moment I expected to see him go out of his mind. Just +before dawn he succumbed to the stress of mental agony, and fell +asleep on his mattress like a man who has been beaten; but by +eight o'clock the son was at the point of death, and I ran to +wake the father. The dying man was quite conscious, and bid us +all farewell. Somehow I could not weep, though my heart seemed to +be breaking. + +The last moments were the most harassing and heartbreaking of +all. For some time past Pokrovski had been asking for something +with his failing tongue, but I had been unable to distinguish his +words. Yet my heart had been bursting with grief. Then for an +hour he had lain quieter, except that he had looked sadly in my +direction, and striven to make some sign with his death-cold +hands. At last he again essayed his piteous request in a hoarse, +deep voice, but the words issued in so many inarticulate sounds, +and once more I failed to divine his meaning. By turns I brought +each member of the household to his bedside, and gave him +something to drink, but he only shook his head sorrowfully. +Finally, I understood what it was he wanted. He was asking me to +draw aside the curtain from the window, and to open the +casements. Probably he wished to take his last look at the +daylight and the sun and all God's world. I pulled back the +curtain, but the opening day was as dull and mournful--looking as +though it had been the fast-flickering life of the poor invalid. +Of sunshine there was none. Clouds overlaid the sky as with a +shroud of mist, and everything looked sad, rainy, and threatening +under a fine drizzle which was beating against the window-panes, +and streaking their dull, dark surfaces with runlets of cold, +dirty moisture. Only a scanty modicum of daylight entered to war +with the trembling rays of the ikon lamp. The dying man threw me +a wistful look, and nodded. The next moment he had passed away. + +The funeral was arranged for by Anna Thedorovna. A plain coffin +was bought, and a broken-down hearse hired; while, as security +for this outlay, she seized the dead man's books and other +articles. Nevertheless, the old man disputed the books with her, +and, raising an uproar, carried off as many of them as he could-- +stuffing his pockets full, and even filling his hat. Indeed, he +spent the next three days with them thus, and refused to let them +leave his sight even when it was time for him to go to church. +Throughout he acted like a man bereft of sense and memory. With +quaint assiduity he busied himself about the bier--now +straightening the candlestick on the dead man's breast, now +snuffing and lighting the other candles. Clearly his thoughts +were powerless to remain long fixed on any subject. Neither my +mother nor Anna Thedorovna were present at the requiem, for the +former was ill and the latter was at loggerheads with the old +man. Only myself and the father were there. During the service a +sort of panic, a sort of premonition of the future, came over me, +and I could hardly hold myself upright. At length the coffin had +received its burden and was screwed down; after which the bearers +placed it upon a bier, and set out. I accompanied the cortege +only to the end of the street. Here the driver broke into a trot, +and the old man started to run behind the hearse--sobbing loudly, +but with the motion of his running ever and anon causing the sobs +to quaver and become broken off. Next he lost his hat, the poor +old fellow, yet would not stop to pick it up, even though the +rain was beating upon his head, and a wind was rising and the +sleet kept stinging and lashing his face. It seemed as though he +were impervious to the cruel elements as he ran from one side of +the hearse to the other--the skirts of his old greatcoat flapping +about him like a pair of wings. From every pocket of the garment +protruded books, while in his hand he carried a specially large +volume, which he hugged closely to his breast. The passers-by +uncovered their heads and crossed themselves as the cortege +passed, and some of them, having done so, remained staring in +amazement at the poor old man. Every now and then a book would +slip from one of his pockets and fall into the mud; whereupon +somebody, stopping him, would direct his attention to his loss, +and he would stop, pick up the book, and again set off in pursuit +of the hearse. At the corner of the street he was joined by a +ragged old woman; until at length the hearse turned a corner, and +became hidden from my eyes. Then I went home, and threw myself, +in a transport of grief, upon my mother's breast--clasping her in +my arms, kissing her amid a storm of sobs and tears, and clinging +to her form as though in my embraces I were holding my last +friend on earth, that I might preserve her from death. Yet +already death was standing over her.... + +June 11th + +How I thank you for our walk to the Islands yesterday, Makar +Alexievitch! How fresh and pleasant, how full of verdure, was +everything! And I had not seen anything green for such a long +time! During my illness I used to think that I should never get +better, that I was certainly going to die. Judge, then, how I +felt yesterday! True, I may have seemed to you a little sad, and +you must not be angry with me for that. Happy and light-hearted +though I was, there were moments, even at the height of my +felicity, when, for some unknown reason, depression came sweeping +over my soul. I kept weeping about trifles, yet could not say why +I was grieved. The truth is that I am unwell--so much so, that I +look at everything from the gloomy point of view. The pale, clear +sky, the setting sun, the evening stillness--ah, somehow I felt +disposed to grieve and feel hurt at these things; my heart seemed +to be over-charged, and to be calling for tears to relieve it. +But why should I write this to you? It is difficult for my heart +to express itself; still more difficult for it to forego self- +expression. Yet possibly you may understand me. Tears and +laughter! . . . How good you are, Makar Alexievitch! Yesterday +you looked into my eyes as though you could read in them all that +I was feeling--as though you were rejoicing at my happiness. +Whether it were a group of shrubs or an alleyway or a vista of +water that we were passing, you would halt before me, and stand +gazing at my face as though you were showing me possessions of +your own. It told me how kind is your nature, and I love you for +it. Today I am again unwell, for yesterday I wetted my feet, and +took a chill. Thedora also is unwell; both of us are ailing. Do +not forget me. Come and see me as often as you can.--Your own, + +BARBARA ALEXIEVNA. + + June 12th. + +MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA--I had supposed that you meant to +describe our doings of the other day in verse; yet from you there +has arrived only a single sheet of writing. Nevertheless, I must +say that, little though you have put into your letter, that +little is not expressed with rare beauty and grace. Nature, your +descriptions of rural scenes, your analysis of your own feelings- +-the whole is beautifully written. Alas, I have no such talent! +Though I may fill a score of pages, nothing comes of it-- I might +as well never have put pen to paper. Yes, this I know from +experience. + +You say, my darling, that I am kind and good, that I could not +harm my fellow-men, that I have power to comprehend the goodness +of God (as expressed in nature's handiwork), and so on. It may +all be so, my dearest one--it may all be exactly as you say. +Indeed, I think that you are right. But if so, the reason is that +when one reads such a letter as you have just sent me, one's +heart involuntarily softens, and affords entrance to thoughts of +a graver and weightier order. Listen, my darling; I have +something to tell you, my beloved one. + +I will begin from the time when I was seventeen years old and +first entered the service--though I shall soon have completed my +thirtieth year of official activity. I may say that at first I +was much pleased with my new uniform; and, as I grew older, I +grew in mind, and fell to studying my fellow-men. Likewise I may +say that I lived an upright life--so much so that at last I +incurred persecution. This you may not believe, but it is true. +To think that men so cruel should exist! For though, dearest one, +I am dull and of no account, I have feelings like everyone else. +Consequently, would you believe it, Barbara, when I tell you what +these cruel fellows did to me? I feel ashamed to tell it you--and +all because I was of a quiet, peaceful, good-natured disposition! + +Things began with "this or that, Makar Alexievitch, is your +fault." Then it went on to "I need hardly say that the fault is +wholly Makar Alexievitch's." Finally it became "OF COURSE Makar +Alexievitch is to blame." Do you see the sequence of things, my +darling? Every mistake was attributed to me, until "Makar +Alexievitch" became a byword in our department. Also, while +making of me a proverb, these fellows could not give me a smile +or a civil word. They found fault with my boots, with my uniform, +with my hair, with my figure. None of these things were to their +taste: everything had to be changed. And so it has been from that +day to this. True, I have now grown used to it, for I can grow +accustomed to anything (being, as you know, a man of peaceable +disposition, like all men of small stature)-- yet why should +these things be? Whom have I harmed? Whom have I ever supplanted? +Whom have I ever traduced to his superiors? No, the fault is that +more than once I have asked for an increase of salary. But have I +ever CABALLED for it? No, you would be wrong in thinking so, my +dearest one. HOW could I ever have done so? You yourself have had +many opportunities of seeing how incapable I am of deceit or +chicanery. + +Why then, should this have fallen to my lot? . . . However, since +you think me worthy of respect, my darling, I do not care, for +you are far and away the best person in the world. . . . What do +you consider to be the greatest social virtue? In private +conversation Evstafi Ivanovitch once told me that the greatest +social virtue might be considered to be an ability to get money +to spend. Also, my comrades used jestingly (yes, I know only +jestingly) to propound the ethical maxim that a man ought never +to let himself become a burden upon anyone. Well, I am a burden +upon no one. It is my own crust of bread that I eat; and though +that crust is but a poor one, and sometimes actually a maggoty +one, it has at least been EARNED, and therefore, is being put to +a right and lawful use. What therefore, ought I to do? I know +that I can earn but little by my labours as a copyist; yet even +of that little I am proud, for it has entailed WORK, and has +wrung sweat from my brow. What harm is there in being a copyist? +"He is only an amanuensis," people say of me. But what is there +so disgraceful in that? My writing is at least legible, neat, and +pleasant to look upon--and his Excellency is satisfied with it. +Indeed, I transcribe many important documents. At the same time, +I know that my writing lacks STYLE, which is why I have never +risen in the service. Even to you, my dear one, I write simply +and without tricks, but just as a thought may happen to enter my +head. Yes, I know all this; but if everyone were to become a fine +writer, who would there be left to act as copyists? . . . +Whatsoever questions I may put to you in my letters, dearest, I +pray you to answer them. I am sure that you need me, that I can +be of use to you; and, since that is so, I must not allow myself +to be distracted by any trifle. Even if I be likened to a rat, I +do not care, provided that that particular rat be wanted by you, +and be of use in the world, and be retained in its position, and +receive its reward. But what a rat it is! + +Enough of this, dearest one. I ought not to have spoken of it, +but I lost my temper. Still, it is pleasant to speak the truth +sometimes. Goodbye, my own, my darling, my sweet little +comforter! I will come to you soon--yes, I will certainly come to +you. Until I do so, do not fret yourself. With me I shall be +bringing a book. Once more goodbye.--Your heartfelt well-wisher, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + June 20th. + +MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH--I am writing to you post-haste--I +am hurrying my utmost to get my work finished in time. What do +you suppose is the reason for this? It is because an opportunity +has occurred for you to make a splendid purchase. Thedora tells +me that a retired civil servant of her acquaintance has a uniform +to sell--one cut to regulation pattern and in good repair, as +well as likely to go very cheap. Now, DO not tell me that you +have not got the money, for I know from your own lips that you +HAVE. Use that money, I pray you, and do not hoard it. See what +terrible garments you walk about in! They are shameful--they are +patched all over! In fact, you have nothing new whatever. That +this is so, I know for certain, and I care not WHAT you tell me +about it. So listen to me for once, and buy this uniform. Do it +for MY sake. Do it to show that you really love me. + +You have sent me some linen as a gift. But listen to me, Makar +Alexievitch. You are simply ruining yourself. Is it a jest that +you should spend so much money, such a terrible amount of money, +upon me? How you love to play the spendthrift! I tell you that I +do not need it, that such expenditure is unnecessary. I know, I +am CERTAIN, that you love me-- therefore, it is useless to remind +me of the fact with gifts. Nor do I like receiving them, since I +know how much they must have cost you. No-- put your money to a +better use. I beg, I beseech of you, to do so. Also, you ask me +to send you a continuation of my memoirs--to conclude them. But I +know not how I contrived even to write as much of them as I did; +and now I have not the strength to write further of my past, nor +the desire to give it a single thought. Such recollections are +terrible to me. Most difficult of all is it for me to speak of my +poor mother, who left her destitute daughter a prey to villains. +My heart runs blood whenever I think of it; it is so fresh in my +memory that I cannot dismiss it from my thoughts, nor rest for +its insistence, although a year has now elapsed since the events +took place. But all this you know. + +Also, I have told you what Anna Thedorovna is now intending. She +accuses me of ingratitude, and denies the accusations made +against herself with regard to Monsieur Bwikov. Also, she keeps +sending for me, and telling me that I have taken to evil courses, +but that if I will return to her, she will smooth over matters +with Bwikov, and force him to confess his fault. Also, she says +that he desires to give me a dowry. Away with them all! I am +quite happy here with you and good Thedora, whose devotion to me +reminds me of my old nurse, long since dead. Distant kinsman +though you may be, I pray you always to defend my honour. Other +people I do not wish to know, and would gladly forget if I could. +. . . What are they wanting with me now? Thedora declares it all +to be a trick, and says that in time they will leave me alone. +God grant it be so! + +B. D. + + + +June 21st. + +MY OWN, MY DARLING,--I wish to write to you, yet know not where +to begin. Things are as strange as though we were actually living +together. Also I would add that never in my life have I passed +such happy days as I am spending at present. 'Tis as though God +had blessed me with a home and a family of my own! Yes, you are +my little daughter, beloved. But why mention the four sorry +roubles that I sent you? You needed them; I know that from +Thedora herself, and it will always be a particular pleasure to +me to gratify you in anything. It will always be my one happiness +in life. Pray, therefore, leave me that happiness, and do not +seek to cross me in it. Things are not as you suppose. I have now +reached the sunshine since, in the first place, I am living so +close to you as almost to be with you (which is a great +consolation to my mind), while, in the second place, a neighbour +of mine named Rataziaev (the retired official who gives the +literary parties) has today invited me to tea. This evening, +therefore, there will be a gathering at which we shall discuss +literature! Think of that my darling! Well, goodbye now. I have +written this without any definite aim in my mind, but solely to +assure you of my welfare. Through Theresa I have received your +message that you need an embroidered cloak to wear, so I will go +and purchase one. Yes, tomorrow I mean to purchase that +embroidered cloak, and so give myself the pleasure of having +satisfied one of your wants. I know where to go for such a +garment. For the time being I remain your sincere friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +June 22nd. + +MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I have to tell you that a sad +event has happened in this house--an event to excite one's utmost +pity. This morning, about five o'clock, one of Gorshkov's +children died of scarlatina, or something of the kind. I have +been to pay the parents a visit of condolence, and found them +living in the direst poverty and disorder. Nor is that +surprising, seeing that the family lives in a single room, with +only a screen to divide it for decency's sake. Already the coffin +was standing in their midst--a plain but decent shell which had +been bought ready-made. The child, they told me, had been a boy +of nine, and full of promise. What a pitiful spectacle! Though +not weeping, the mother, poor woman, looked broken with grief. +After all, to have one burden the less on their shoulders may +prove a relief, though there are still two children left--a babe +at the breast and a little girl of six! How painful to see these +suffering children, and to be unable to help them! The father, +clad in an old, dirty frockcoat, was seated on a dilapidated +chair. Down his cheeks there were coursing tears--though less +through grief than owing to a long-standing affliction of the +eyes. He was so thin, too! Always he reddens in the face when he +is addressed, and becomes too confused to answer. A little girl, +his daughter, was leaning against the coffin--her face looking so +worn and thoughtful, poor mite! Do you know, I cannot bear to see +a child look thoughtful. On the floor there lay a rag doll, but +she was not playing with it as, motionless, she stood there with +her finger to her lips. Even a bon-bon which the landlady had +given her she was not eating. Is it not all sad, sad, Barbara? + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + + June 25th. + +MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH--I return you your book. In my +opinion it is a worthless one, and I would rather not have it in +my possession. Why do you save up your money to buy such trash? +Except in jest, do such books really please you? However, you +have now promised to send me something else to read. I will share +the cost of it. Now, farewell until we meet again. I have nothing +more to say. + +B. D. + + + + June 26th. + +MY DEAR LITTLE BARBARA--To tell you the truth, I myself have not +read the book of which you speak. That is to say, though I began +to read it, I soon saw that it was nonsense, and written only to +make people laugh. "However," thought I, "it is at least a +CHEERFUL work, and so may please Barbara." That is why I sent it +you. + +Rataziaev has now promised to give me something really literary +to read; so you shall soon have your book, my darling. He is a +man who reflects; he is a clever fellow, as well as himself a +writer--such a writer! His pen glides along with ease, and in +such a style (even when he is writing the most ordinary, the most +insignificant of articles) that I have often remarked upon the +fact, both to Phaldoni and to Theresa. Often, too, I go to spend +an evening with him. He reads aloud to us until five o'clock in +the morning, and we listen to him. It is a revelation of things +rather than a reading. It is charming, it is like a bouquet of +flowers--there is a bouquet of flowers in every line of each +page. Besides, he is such an approachable, courteous, kind- +hearted fellow! What am I compared with him? Why, nothing, simply +nothing! He is a man of reputation, whereas I--well, I do not +exist at all. Yet he condescends to my level. At this very moment +I am copying out a document for him. But you must not think that +he finds any DIFFICULTY in condescending to me, who am only a +copyist. No, you must not believe the base gossip that you may +hear. I do copying work for him simply in order to please myself, +as well as that he may notice me--a thing that always gives me +pleasure. I appreciate the delicacy of his position. He is a +good--a very good--man, and an unapproachable writer. + +What a splendid thing is literature, Barbara--what a splendid +thing! This I learnt before I had known Rataziaev even for three +days. It strengthens and instructs the heart of man. . . . No +matter what there be in the world, you will find it all written +down in Rataziaev's works. And so well written down, too! +Literature is a sort of picture--a sort of picture or mirror. It +connotes at once passion, expression, fine criticism, good +learning, and a document. Yes, I have learned this from Rataziaev +himself. I can assure you, Barbara, that if only you could be +sitting among us, and listening to the talk (while, with the rest +of us, you smoked a pipe), and were to hear those present begin +to argue and dispute concerning different matters, you would feel +of as little account among them as I do; for I myself figure +there only as a blockhead, and feel ashamed, since it takes me a +whole evening to think of a single word to interpolate--and even +then the word will not come! In a case like that a man regrets +that, as the proverb has it, he should have reached man's estate +but not man's understanding. . . . What do I do in my spare time? +I sleep like a fool, though I would far rather be occupied with +something else--say, with eating or writing, since the one is +useful to oneself, and the other is beneficial to one's fellows. +You should see how much money these fellows contrive to save! How +much, for instance, does not Rataziaev lay by? A few days' +writing, I am told, can earn him as much as three hundred +roubles! Indeed, if a man be a writer of short stories or +anything else that is interesting, he can sometimes pocket five +hundred roubles, or a thousand, at a time! Think of it, Barbara! +Rataziaev has by him a small manuscript of verses, and for it he +is asking--what do you think? Seven thousand roubles! Why, one +could buy a whole house for that sum! He has even refused five +thousand for a manuscript, and on that occasion I reasoned with +him, and advised him to accept the five thousand. But it was of +no use. "For," said he, "they will soon offer me seven thousand," +and kept to his point, for he is a man of some determination. + +Suppose, now, that I were to give you an extract from "Passion in +Italy" (as another work of his is called). Read this, dearest +Barbara, and judge for yourself: + +"Vladimir started, for in his veins the lust of passion had +welled until it had reached boiling point. + +"'Countess,' he cried, 'do you know how terrible is this +adoration of mine, how infinite this madness? No! My fancies have +not deceived me--I love you ecstatically, diabolically, as a +madman might! All the blood that is in your husband's body could +never quench the furious, surging rapture that is in my soul! No +puny obstacle could thwart the all-destroying, infernal flame +which is eating into my exhausted breast! Oh Zinaida, my +Zinaida!' + +"'Vladimir!' she whispered, almost beside herself, as she sank +upon his bosom. + +"'My Zinaida!' cried the enraptured Smileski once more. + +"His breath was coming in sharp, broken pants. The lamp of love +was burning brightly on the altar of passion, and searing the +hearts of the two unfortunate sufferers. + +"'Vladimir!' again she whispered in her intoxication, while her +bosom heaved, her cheeks glowed, and her eyes flashed fire. + +"Thus was a new and dread union consummated. + +"Half an hour later the aged Count entered his wife's boudoir. + +"'How now, my love?' said he. 'Surely it is for some welcome +guest beyond the common that you have had the samovar [Tea-urn.] +thus prepared?' And he smote her lightly on the cheek." + +What think you of THAT, Barbara? True, it is a little too +outspoken--there can be no doubt of that; yet how grand it is, +how splendid! With your permission I will also quote you an +extract from Rataziaev's story, Ermak and Zuleika: + +"'You love me, Zuleika? Say again that you love me, you love me!' + +"'I DO love you, Ermak,' whispered Zuleika. + +"'Then by heaven and earth I thank you! By heaven and earth you +have made me happy! You have given me all, all that my tortured +soul has for immemorial years been seeking! 'Tis for this that +you have led me hither, my guiding star--'tis for this that you +have conducted me to the Girdle of Stone! To all the world will I +now show my Zuleika, and no man, demon or monster of Hell, shall +bid me nay! Oh, if men would but understand the mysterious +passions of her tender heart, and see the poem which lurks in +each of her little tears! Suffer me to dry those tears with my +kisses! Suffer me to drink of those heavenly drops, Oh being who +art not of this earth!' + +"'Ermak,' said Zuleika, 'the world is cruel, and men are unjust. +But LET them drive us from their midst--let them judge us, my +beloved Ermak! What has a poor maiden who was reared amid the +snows of Siberia to do with their cold, icy, self-sufficient +world? Men cannot understand me, my darling, my sweetheart.' + +"'Is that so? Then shall the sword of the Cossacks sing and +whistle over their heads!' cried Ermak with a furious look in his +eyes." + +What must Ermak have felt when he learnt that his Zuleika had +been murdered, Barbara?--that, taking advantages of the cover of +night, the blind old Kouchoum had, in Ermak's absence, broken +into the latter's tent, and stabbed his own daughter in mistake +for the man who had robbed him of sceptre and crown? + +"'Oh that I had a stone whereon to whet my sword!' cried Ermak in +the madness of his wrath as he strove to sharpen his steel blade +upon the enchanted rock. 'I would have his blood, his blood! I +would tear him limb from limb, the villain!'" + +Then Ermak, unable to survive the loss of his Zuleika, throws +himself into the Irtisch, and the tale comes to an end. + +Here, again, is another short extract--this time written in a +more comical vein, to make people laugh: + +"Do you know Ivan Prokofievitch Zheltopuzh? He is the man who +took a piece out of Prokofi Ivanovitch's leg. Ivan's character is +one of the rugged order, and therefore, one that is rather +lacking in virtue. Yet he has a passionate relish for radishes +and honey. Once he also possessed a friend named Pelagea +Antonovna. Do you know Pelagea Antonovna? She is the woman who +always puts on her petticoat wrong side outwards." + +What humour, Barbara--what purest humour! We rocked with laughter +when he read it aloud to us. Yes, that is the kind of man he is. +Possibly the passage is a trifle over-frolicsome, but at least it +is harmless, and contains no freethought or liberal ideas. In +passing, I may say that Rataziaev is not only a supreme writer, +but also a man of upright life--which is more than can be said +for most writers. + +What, do you think, is an idea that sometimes enters my head? In +fact, what if I myself were to write something? How if suddenly a +book were to make its appearance in the world bearing the title +of "The Poetical Works of Makar Dievushkin"? What THEN, my angel? +How should you view, should you receive, such an event? I may say +of myself that never, after my book had appeared, should I have +the hardihood to show my face on the Nevski Prospect; for would +it not be too dreadful to hear every one saying, "Here comes the +literateur and poet, Dievushkin--yes, it is Dievushkin himself"? +What, in such a case, should I do with my feet (for I may tell +you that almost always my shoes are patched, or have just been +resoled, and therefore look anything but becoming)? To think that +the great writer Dievushkin should walk about in patched +footgear! If a duchess or a countess should recognise me, what +would she say, poor woman? Perhaps, though, she would not notice +my shoes at all, since it may reasonably be supposed that +countesses do not greatly occupy themselves with footgear, +especially with the footgear of civil service officials (footgear +may differ from footgear, it must be remembered). Besides, I +should find that the countess had heard all about me, for my +friends would have betrayed me to her--Rataziaev among the first +of them, seeing that he often goes to visit Countess V., and +practically lives at her house. She is said to be a woman of +great intellect and wit. An artful dog, that Rataziaev! + +But enough of this. I write this sort of thing both to amuse +myself and to divert your thoughts. Goodbye now, my angel. This +is a long epistle that I am sending you, but the reason is that +today I feel in good spirits after dining at Rataziaev's. There I +came across a novel which I hardly know how to describe to you. +Do not think the worse of me on that account, even though I bring +you another book instead (for I certainly mean to bring one). The +novel in question was one of Paul de Kock's, and not a novel for +you to read. No, no! Such a work is unfit for your eyes. In fact, +it is said to have greatly offended the critics of St. +Petersburg. Also, I am sending you a pound of bonbons--bought +specially for yourself. Each time that you eat one, beloved, +remember the sender. Only, do not bite the iced ones, but suck +them gently, lest they make your teeth ache. Perhaps, too, you +like comfits? Well, write and tell me if it is so. Goodbye, +goodbye. Christ watch over you, my darling!--Always your faithful +friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +June 27th. + +MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH--Thedora tells me that, should I +wish, there are some people who will be glad to help me by +obtaining me an excellent post as governess in a certain house. +What think you, my friend? Shall I go or not? Of course, I should +then cease to be a burden to you, and the post appears to be a +comfortable one. On the other hand, the idea of entering a +strange house appals me. The people in it are landed gentry, and +they will begin to ask me questions, and to busy themselves about +me. What answers shall I then return? You see, I am now so unused +to society--so shy! I like to live in a corner to which I have +long grown used. Yes, the place with which one is familiar is +always the best. Even if for companion one has but sorrow, that +place will still be the best.... God alone knows what duties the +post will entail. Perhaps I shall merely be required to act as +nursemaid; and in any case, I hear that the governess there has +been changed three times in two years. For God's sake, Makar +Alexievitch, advise me whether to go or not. Why do you never +come near me now? Do let my eyes have an occasional sight of you. +Mass on Sundays is almost the only time when we see one another. +How retiring you have become! So also have I, even though, in a +way, I am your kinswoman. You must have ceased to love me, Makar +Alexievitch. I spend many a weary hour because of it. Sometimes, +when dusk is falling, I find myself lonely--oh, so lonely! +Thedora has gone out somewhere, and I sit here and think, and +think, and think. I remember all the past, its joys and its +sorrows. It passes before my eyes in detail, it glimmers at me as +out of a mist; and as it does so, well-known faces appear, which +seem actually to be present with me in this room! Most frequently +of all, I see my mother. Ah, the dreams that come to me! I feel +that my health is breaking, so weak am I. When this morning I +arose, sickness took me until I vomited and vomited. Yes, I feel, +I know, that death is approaching. Who will bury me when it has +come? Who will visit my tomb? Who will sorrow for me? And now it +is in a strange place, in the house of a stranger, that I may +have to die! Yes, in a corner which I do not know! ... My God, +how sad a thing is life! ... Why do you send me comfits to eat? +Whence do you get the money to buy them? Ah, for God's sake keep +the money, keep the money. Thedora has sold a carpet which I have +made. She got fifty roubles for it, which is very good--I had +expected less. Of the fifty roubles I shall give Thedora three, +and with the remainder make myself a plain, warm dress. Also, I +am going to make you a waistcoat--to make it myself, and out of +good material. + +Also, Thedora has brought me a book--"The Stories of Bielkin"-- +which I will forward you, if you would care to read it. Only, do +not soil it, nor yet retain it, for it does not belong to me. It +is by Pushkin. Two years ago I read these stories with my mother, +and it would hurt me to read them again. If you yourself have any +books, pray let me have them--so long as they have not been +obtained from Rataziaev. Probably he will be giving you one of +his own works when he has had one printed. How is it that his +compositions please you so much, Makar Alexievitch? I think them +SUCH rubbish! + +--Now goodbye. How I have been chattering on! When feeling sad, I +always like to talk of something, for it acts upon me like +medicine--I begin to feel easier as soon as I have uttered what +is preying upon my heart. Good bye, good-bye, my friend--Your own + +B. D. + + + +June 28th. + +MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA--Away with melancholy! Really, +beloved, you ought to be ashamed of yourself! How can you allow +such thoughts to enter your head? Really and truly you are quite +well; really and truly you are, my darling. Why, you are blooming +--simply blooming. True, I see a certain touch of pallor in your +face, but still you are blooming. A fig for dreams and visions! +Yes, for shame, dearest! Drive away those fancies; try to despise +them. Why do I sleep so well? Why am I never ailing? Look at ME, +beloved. I live well, I sleep peacefully, I retain my health, I +can ruffle it with my juniors. In fact, it is a pleasure to see +me. Come, come, then, sweetheart! Let us have no more of this. I +know that that little head of yours is capable of any fancy--that +all too easily you take to dreaming and repining; but for my +sake, cease to do so. + +Are you to go to these people, you ask me? Never! No, no, again +no! How could you think of doing such a thing as taking a +journey? I will not allow it--I intend to combat your intention +with all my might. I will sell my frockcoat, and walk the streets +in my shirt sleeves, rather than let you be in want. But no, +Barbara. I know you, I know you. This is merely a trick, merely a +trick. And probably Thedora alone is to blame for it. She appears +to be a foolish old woman, and to be able to persuade you to do +anything. Do not believe her, my dearest. I am sure that you know +what is what, as well as SHE does. Eh, sweetheart? She is a +stupid, quarrelsome, rubbish-talking old woman who brought her +late husband to the grave. Probably she has been plaguing you as +much as she did him. No, no, dearest; you must not take this +step. What should I do then? What would there be left for ME to +do? Pray put the idea out of your head. What is it you lack here? +I cannot feel sufficiently overjoyed to be near you, while, for +your part, you love me well, and can live your life here as +quietly as you wish. Read or sew, whichever you like--or read and +do not sew. Only, do not desert me. Try, yourself, to imagine how +things would seem after you had gone. Here am I sending you +books, and later we will go for a walk. Come, come, then, my +Barbara! Summon to your aid your reason, and cease to babble of +trifles. + +As soon as I can I will come and see you, and then you shall tell +me the whole story. This will not do, sweetheart; this certainly +will not do. Of course, I know that I am not an educated man, and +have received but a sorry schooling, and have had no inclination +for it, and think too much of Rataziaev, if you will; but he is +my friend, and therefore, I must put in a word or two for him. +Yes, he is a splendid writer. Again and again I assert that he +writes magnificently. I do not agree with you about his works, +and never shall. He writes too ornately, too laconically, with +too great a wealth of imagery and imagination. Perhaps you have +read him without insight, Barbara? Or perhaps you were out of +spirits at the time, or angry with Thedora about something, or +worried about some mischance? Ah, but you should read him +sympathetically, and, best of all, at a time when you are feeling +happy and contented and pleasantly disposed-- for instance, when +you have a bonbon or two in your mouth. Yes, that is the way to +read Rataziaev. I do not dispute (indeed, who would do so?) that +better writers than he exist--even far better; but they are good, +and he is good too--they write well, and he writes well. It is +chiefly for his own sake that he writes, and he is to be approved +for so doing. + +Now goodbye, dearest. More I cannot write, for I must hurry away +to business. Be of good cheer, and the Lord God watch over you!-- +Your faithful friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + +P.S--Thank you so much for the book, darling! I will read it +through, this volume of Pushkin, and tonight come to you. + + + +MY DEAR MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH--No, no, my friend, I must not go on +living near you. I have been thinking the matter over, and come +to the conclusion that I should be doing very wrong to refuse so +good a post. I should at least have an assured crust of bread; I +might at least set to work to earn my employers' favour, and even +try to change my character if required to do so. Of course it is +a sad and sorry thing to have to live among strangers, and to be +forced to seek their patronage, and to conceal and constrain +one's own personality-- but God will help me. I must not remain +forever a recluse, for similar chances have come my way before. I +remember how, when a little girl at school, I used to go home on +Sundays and spend the time in frisking and dancing about. +Sometimes my mother would chide me for so doing, but I did not +care, for my heart was too joyous, and my spirits too buoyant, +for that. Yet as the evening of Sunday came on, a sadness as of +death would overtake me, for at nine o'clock I had to return to +school, where everything was cold and strange and severe--where +the governesses, on Mondays, lost their tempers, and nipped my +ears, and made me cry. On such occasions I would retire to a +corner and weep alone; concealing my tears lest I should be +called lazy. Yet it was not because I had to study that I used to +weep, and in time I grew more used to things, and, after my +schooldays were over, shed tears only when I was parting with +friends. . . . + +It is not right for me to live in dependence upon you. The +thought tortures me. I tell you this frankly, for the reason that +frankness with you has become a habit. Cannot I see that daily, +at earliest dawn, Thedora rises to do washing and scrubbing, and +remains working at it until late at night, even though her poor +old bones must be aching for want of rest? Cannot I also see that +YOU are ruining yourself for me, and hoarding your last kopeck +that you may spend it on my behalf? You ought not so to act, my +friend, even though you write that you would rather sell your all +than let me want for anything. I believe in you, my friend--I +entirely believe in your good heart; but, you say that to me now +(when, perhaps, you have received some unexpected sum or +gratuity) and there is still the future to be thought of. You +yourself know that I am always ailing--that I cannot work as you +do, glad though I should be of any work if I could get it; so +what else is there for me to do? To sit and repine as I watch you +and Thedora? But how would that be of any use to you? AM I +necessary to you, comrade of mine? HAVE I ever done you any good? +Though I am bound to you with my whole soul, and love you dearly +and strongly and wholeheartedly, a bitter fate has ordained that +that love should be all that I have to give--that I should be +unable, by creating for you subsistence, to repay you for all +your kindness. Do not, therefore, detain me longer, but think the +matter out, and give me your opinion on it. In expectation of +which I remain your sweetheart, + +B. D. + + + +July 1st. + +Rubbish, rubbish, Barbara!--What you say is sheer rubbish. Stay +here, rather, and put such thoughts out of your head. None of +what you suppose is true. I can see for myself that it is not. +Whatsoever you lack here, you have but to ask me for it. Here you +love and are loved, and we might easily be happy and contented +together. What could you want more? What have you to do with +strangers? You cannot possibly know what strangers are like. I +know it, though, and could have told you if you had asked me. +There is a stranger whom I know, and whose bread I have eaten. He +is a cruel man, Barbara--a man so bad that he would be unworthy +of your little heart, and would soon tear it to pieces with his +railings and reproaches and black looks. On the other hand, you +are safe and well here--you are as safe as though you were +sheltered in a nest. Besides, you would, as it were, leave me +with my head gone. For what should I have to do when you were +gone? What could I, an old man, find to do? Are you not necessary +to me? Are you not useful to me? Eh? Surely you do not think that +you are not useful? You are of great use to me, Barbara, for you +exercise a beneficial influence upon my life. Even at this +moment, as I think of you, I feel cheered, for always I can write +letters to you, and put into them what I am feeling, and receive +from you detailed answers.... I have bought you a wardrobe, and +also procured you a bonnet; so you see that you have only to give +me a commission for it to be executed. . . . No-- in what way are +you not useful? What should I do if I were deserted in my old +age? What would become of me? Perhaps you never thought of that, +Barbara--perhaps you never said to yourself, "How could HE get on +without me?" You see, I have grown so accustomed to you. What +else would it end in, if you were to go away? Why, in my hiking +to the Neva's bank and doing away with myself. Ah, Barbara, +darling, I can see that you want me to be taken away to the +Volkovo Cemetery in a broken-down old hearse, with some poor +outcast of the streets to accompany my coffin as chief mourner, +and the gravediggers to heap my body with clay, and depart and +leave me there. How wrong of you, how wrong of you, my beloved! +Yes, by heavens, how wrong of you! I am returning you your book, +little friend; and, if you were to ask of me my opinion of it, I +should say that never before in my life had I read a book so +splendid. I keep wondering how I have hitherto contrived to +remain such an owl. For what have I ever done? From what wilds +did I spring into existence? I KNOW nothing--I know simply +NOTHING. My ignorance is complete. Frankly, I am not an educated +man, for until now I have read scarcely a single book--only "A +Portrait of Man" (a clever enough work in its way), "The Boy Who +Could Play Many Tunes Upon Bells", and "Ivik's Storks". That is +all. But now I have also read "The Station Overseer" in your +little volume; and it is wonderful to think that one may live and +yet be ignorant of the fact that under one's very nose there may +be a book in which one's whole life is described as in a picture. +Never should I have guessed that, as soon as ever one begins to +read such a book, it sets one on both to remember and to consider +and to foretell events. Another reason why I liked this book so +much is that, though, in the case of other works (however clever +they be), one may read them, yet remember not a word of them (for +I am a man naturally dull of comprehension, and unable to read +works of any great importance),--although, as I say, one may read +such works, one reads such a book as YOURS as easily as though it +had been written by oneself, and had taken possession of one's +heart, and turned it inside out for inspection, and were +describing it in detail as a matter of perfect simplicity. Why, I +might almost have written the book myself! Why not, indeed? I can +feel just as the people in the book do, and find myself in +positions precisely similar to those of, say, the character +Samson Virin. In fact, how many good-hearted wretches like Virin +are there not walking about amongst us? How easily, too, it is +all described! I assure you, my darling, that I almost shed tears +when I read that Virin so took to drink as to lose his memory, +become morose, and spend whole days over his liquor; as also that +he choked with grief and wept bitterly when, rubbing his eyes +with his dirty hand, he bethought him of his wandering lamb, his +daughter Dunasha! How natural, how natural! You should read the +book for yourself. The thing is actually alive. Even I can see +that; even I can realise that it is a picture cut from the very +life around me. In it I see our own Theresa (to go no further) +and the poor Tchinovnik--who is just such a man as this Samson +Virin, except for his surname of Gorshkov. The book describes +just what might happen to ourselves--to myself in particular. +Even a count who lives in the Nevski Prospect or in Naberezhnaia +Street might have a similar experience, though he might APPEAR to +be different, owing to the fact that his life is cast on a higher +plane. Yes, just the same things might happen to him--just the +same things. . . . Here you are wishing to go away and leave us; +yet, be careful lest it would not be I who had to pay the penalty +of your doing so. For you might ruin both yourself and me. For +the love of God, put away these thoughts from you, my darling, +and do not torture me in vain. How could you, my poor little +unfledged nestling, find yourself food, and defend yourself from +misfortune, and ward off the wiles of evil men? Think better of +it, Barbara, and pay no more heed to foolish advice and calumny, +but read your book again, and read it with attention. It may do +you much good. + +I have spoken of Rataziaev's "The Station Overseer". However, the +author has told me that the work is old-fashioned, since, +nowadays, books are issued with illustrations and embellishments +of different sorts (though I could not make out all that he +said). Pushkin he adjudges a splendid poet, and one who has done +honour to Holy Russia. Read your book again, Barbara, and follow +my advice, and make an old man happy. The Lord God Himself will +reward you. Yes, He will surely reward you.--Your faithful +friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Today Thedora came to me with +fifteen roubles in silver. How glad was the poor woman when I +gave her three of them! I am writing to you in great haste, for I +am busy cutting out a waistcoat to send to you--buff, with a +pattern of flowers. Also I am sending you a book of stories; some +of which I have read myself, particularly one called "The Cloak." +. . . You invite me to go to the theatre with you. But will it +not cost too much? Of course we might sit in the gallery. It is a +long time (indeed I cannot remember when I last did so) since I +visited a theatre! Yet I cannot help fearing that such an +amusement is beyond our means. Thedora keeps nodding her head, +and saying that you have taken to living above your income. I +myself divine the same thing by the amount which you have spent +upon me. Take care, dear friend, that misfortune does not come of +it, for Thedora has also informed me of certain rumours +concerning your inability to meet your landlady's bills. In fact, +I am very anxious about you. Now, goodbye, for I must hasten away +to see about another matter--about the changing of the ribands on +my bonnet. + +P.S--Do you know, if we go to the theatre, I think that I shall +wear my new hat and black mantilla. Will that not look nice? + + + + July 7th. + +MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA--SO much for yesterday! Yes, +dearest, we have both been caught playing the fool, for I have +become thoroughly bitten with the actress of whom I spoke. Last +night I listened to her with all my ears, although, strangely +enough, it was practically my first sight of her, seeing that +only once before had I been to the theatre. In those days I lived +cheek by jowl with a party of five young men--a most noisy crew- +and one night I accompanied them, willy-nilly, to the theatre, +though I held myself decently aloof from their doings, and only +assisted them for company's sake. How those fellows talked to me +of this actress! Every night when the theatre was open, the +entire band of them (they always seemed to possess the requisite +money) would betake themselves to that place of entertainment, +where they ascended to the gallery, and clapped their hands, and +repeatedly recalled the actress in question. In fact, they went +simply mad over her. Even after we had returned home they would +give me no rest, but would go on talking about her all night, and +calling her their Glasha, and declaring themselves to be in love +with "the canary-bird of their hearts." My defenseless self, too, +they would plague about the woman, for I was as young as they. +What a figure I must have cut with them on the fourth tier of the +gallery! Yet, I never got a sight of more than just a corner of +the curtain, but had to content myself with listening. She had a +fine, resounding, mellow voice like a nightingale's, and we all +of us used to clap our hands loudly, and to shout at the top of +our lungs. In short, we came very near to being ejected. On the +first occasion I went home walking as in a mist, with a single +rouble left in my pocket, and an interval of ten clear days +confronting me before next pay-day. Yet, what think you, dearest? +The very next day, before going to work, I called at a French +perfumer's, and spent my whole remaining capital on some eau-de- +Cologne and scented soap! Why I did so I do not know. Nor did I +dine at home that day, but kept walking and walking past her +windows (she lived in a fourth-storey flat on the Nevski +Prospect). At length I returned to my own lodging, but only to +rest a short hour before again setting off to the Nevski Prospect +and resuming my vigil before her windows. For a month and a half +I kept this up--dangling in her train. Sometimes I would hire +cabs, and discharge them in view of her abode; until at length I +had entirely ruined myself, and got into debt. Then I fell out of +love with her--I grew weary of the pursuit. . . . You see, +therefore, to what depths an actress can reduce a decent man. In +those days I was young. Yes, in those days I was VERY young. + +M. D. + + + + July 8th. + +MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--The book which I received from you +on the 6th of this month I now hasten to return, while at the +same time hastening also to explain matters to you in this +accompanying letter. What a misfortune, my beloved, that you +should have brought me to such a pass! Our lots in life are +apportioned by the Almighty according to our human deserts. To +such a one He assigns a life in a general's epaulets or as a +privy councillor--to such a one, I say, He assigns a life of +command; whereas to another one, He allots only a life of +unmurmuring toil and suffering. These things are calculated +according to a man's CAPACITY. One man may be capable of one +thing, and another of another, and their several capacities are +ordered by the Lord God himself. I have now been thirty years in +the public service, and have fulfilled my duties irreproachably, +remained abstemious, and never been detected in any unbecoming +behaviour. As a citizen, I may confess--I confess it freely--I +have been guilty of certain shortcomings; yet those shortcomings +have been combined with certain virtues. I am respected by my +superiors, and even his Excellency has had no fault to find with +me; and though I have never been shown any special marks of +favour, I know that every one finds me at least satisfactory. +Also, my writing is sufficiently legible and clear. Neither too +rounded nor too fine, it is a running hand, yet always suitable. +Of our staff only Ivan Prokofievitch writes a similar hand. Thus +have I lived till the grey hairs of my old age; yet I can think +of no serious fault committed. Of course, no one is free from +MINOR faults. Everyone has some of them, and you among the rest, +my beloved. But in grave or in audacious offences never have I +been detected, nor in infringements of regulations, nor in +breaches of the public peace. No, never! This you surely know, +even as the author of your book must have known it. Yes, he also +must have known it when he sat down to write. I had not expected +this of you, my Barbara. I should never have expected it. + +What? In future I am not to go on living peacefully in my little +corner, poor though that corner be I am not to go on living, as +the proverb has it, without muddying the water, or hurting any +one, or forgetting the fear of the Lord God and of oneself? I am +not to see, forsooth, that no man does me an injury, or breaks +into my home--I am not to take care that all shall go well with +me, or that I have clothes to wear, or that my shoes do not +require mending, or that I be given work to do, or that I possess +sufficient meat and drink? Is it nothing that, where the pavement +is rotten, I have to walk on tiptoe to save my boots? If I write +to you overmuch concerning myself, is it concerning ANOTHER man, +rather, that I ought to write--concerning HIS wants, concerning +HIS lack of tea to drink (and all the world needs tea)? Has it +ever been my custom to pry into other men's mouths, to see what +is being put into them? Have I ever been known to offend any one +in that respect? No, no, beloved! Why should I desire to insult +other folks when they are not molesting ME? Let me give you an +example of what I mean. A man may go on slaving and slaving in +the public service, and earn the respect of his superiors (for +what it is worth), and then, for no visible reason at all, find +himself made a fool of. Of course he may break out now and then +(I am not now referring only to drunkenness), and (for example) +buy himself a new pair of shoes, and take pleasure in seeing his +feet looking well and smartly shod. Yes, I myself have known what +it is to feel like that (I write this in good faith). Yet I am +nonetheless astonished that Thedor Thedorovitch should neglect +what is being said about him, and take no steps to defend +himself. True, he is only a subordinate official, and sometimes +loves to rate and scold; yet why should he not do so--why should +he not indulge in a little vituperation when he feels like it? +Suppose it to be NECESSARY, for FORM'S sake, to scold, and to set +everyone right, and to shower around abuse (for, between +ourselves, Barbara, our friend cannot get on WITHOUT abuse--so +much so that every one humours him, and does things behind his +back)? Well, since officials differ in rank, and every official +demands that he shall be allowed to abuse his fellow officials in +proportion to his rank, it follows that the TONE also of official +abuse should become divided into ranks, and thus accord with the +natural order of things. All the world is built upon the system +that each one of us shall have to yield precedence to some other +one, as well as to enjoy a certain power of abusing his fellows. +Without such a provision the world could not get on at all, and +simple chaos would ensue. Yet I am surprised that our Thedor +should continue to overlook insults of the kind that he endures. + +Why do I do my official work at all? Why is that necessary? Will +my doing of it lead anyone who reads it to give me a greatcoat, +or to buy me a new pair of shoes? No, Barbara. Men only read the +documents, and then require me to write more. Sometimes a man +will hide himself away, and not show his face abroad, for the +mere reason that, though he has done nothing to be ashamed of, he +dreads the gossip and slandering which are everywhere to be +encountered. If his civic and family life have to do with +literature, everything will be printed and read and laughed over +and discussed; until at length, he hardly dare show his face in +the street at all, seeing that he will have been described by +report as recognisable through his gait alone! Then, when he has +amended his ways, and grown gentler (even though he still +continues to be loaded with official work), he will come to be +accounted a virtuous, decent citizen who has deserved well of his +comrades, rendered obedience to his superiors, wished noone any +evil, preserved the fear of God in his heart, and died lamented. +Yet would it not be better, instead of letting the poor fellow +die, to give him a cloak while yet he is ALIVE--to give it to +this same Thedor Thedorovitch (that is to say, to myself)? Yes, +'twere far better if, on hearing the tale of his subordinate's +virtues, the chief of the department were to call the deserving +man into his office, and then and there to promote him, and to +grant him an increase of salary. Thus vice would be punished, +virtue would prevail, and the staff of that department would live +in peace together. Here we have an example from everyday, +commonplace life. How, therefore, could you bring yourself to +send me that book, my beloved? It is a badly conceived work, +Barbara, and also unreal, for the reason that in creation such a +Tchinovnik does not exist. No, again I protest against it, little +Barbara; again I protest.--Your most humble, devoted servant, + +M. D. + + + +July 27th. + +MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Your latest conduct and letters +had frightened me, and left me thunderstruck and plunged in +doubt, until what you have said about Thedor explained the +situation. Why despair and go into such frenzies, Makar +Alexievitch? Your explanations only partially satisfy me. Perhaps +I did wrong to insist upon accepting a good situation when it was +offered me, seeing that from my last experience in that way I +derived a shock which was anything but a matter for jesting. You +say also that your love for me has compelled you to hide yourself +in retirement. Now, how much I am indebted to you I realised when +you told me that you were spending for my benefit the sum which +you are always reported to have laid by at your bankers; but, now +that I have learnED that you never possessed such a fund, but +that, on hearing of my destitute plight, and being moved by it, +you decided to spend upon me the whole of your salary--even to +forestall it--and when I had fallen ill, actually to sell your +clothes--when I learnED all this I found myself placed in the +harassing position of not knowing how to accept it all, nor what +to think of it. Ah, Makar Alexievitch! You ought to have stopped +at your first acts of charity--acts inspired by sympathy and the +love of kinsfolk, rather than have continued to squander your +means upon what was unnecessary. Yes, you have betrayed our +friendship, Makar Alexievitch, in that you have not been open +with me; and, now that I see that your last coin has been spent +upon dresses and bon-bons and excursions and books and visits to +the theatre for me, I weep bitter tears for my unpardonable +improvidence in having accepted these things without giving so +much as a thought to your welfare. Yes, all that you have done to +give me pleasure has become converted into a source of grief, and +left behind it only useless regret. Of late I have remarked that +you were looking depressed; and though I felt fearful that +something unfortunate was impending, what has happened would +otherwise never have entered my head. To think that your better +sense should so play you false, Makar Alexievitch! What will +people think of you, and say of you? Who will want to know you? +You whom, like everyone else, I have valued for your goodness of +heart and modesty and good sense--YOU, I say, have now given way +to an unpleasant vice of which you seem never before to have been +guilty. What were my feelings when Thedora informed me that you +had been discovered drunk in the street, and taken home by the +police? Why, I felt petrified with astonishment--although, in +view of the fact that you had failed me for four days, I had been +expecting some such extraordinary occurrence. Also, have you +thought what your superiors will say of you when they come to +learn the true reason of your absence? You say that everyone is +laughing at you, that every one has learnED of the bond which +exists between us, and that your neighbours habitually refer to +me with a sneer. Pay no attention to this, Makar Alexievitch; for +the love of God, be comforted. Also, the incident between you and +the officers has much alarmed me, although I had heard certain +rumours concerning it. Pray explain to me what it means. You +write, too, that you have been afraid to be open with me, for the +reason that your confessions might lose you my friendship. Also, +you say that you are in despair at the thought of being unable to +help me in my illness, owing to the fact that you have sold +everything which might have maintained me, and preserved me in +sickness, as well as that you have borrowed as much as it is +possible for you to borrow, and are daily experiencing +unpleasantness with your landlady. Well, in failing to reveal all +this to me you chose the worse course. Now, however, I know all. +You have forced me to recognise that I have been the cause of +your unhappy plight, as well as that my own conduct has brought +upon myself a twofold measure of sorrow. The fact leaves me +thunderstruck, Makar Alexievitch. Ah, friend, an infectious +disease is indeed a misfortune, for now we poor and miserable +folk must perforce keep apart from one another, lest the +infection be increased. Yes, I have brought upon you calamities +which never before in your humble, solitary life you had +experienced. This tortures and exhausts me more than I can tell +to think of. + +Write to me quite frankly. Tell me how you came to embark upon +such a course of conduct. Comfort, oh, comfort me if you can. It +is not self-love that prompts me to speak of my own comforting, +but my friendship and love for you, which will never fade from my +heart. Goodbye. I await your answer with impatience. You have +thought but poorly of me, Makar Alexievitch.--Your friend and +lover, + +BARBARA DOBROSELOVA. + + + + July 28th. + +MY PRICELESS BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--What am I to say to you, now +that all is over, and we are gradually returning to our old +position? You say that you are anxious as to what will be thought +of me. Let me tell you that the dearest thing in life to me is my +self-respect; wherefore, in informing you of my misfortunes and +misconduct, I would add that none of my superiors know of my +doings, nor ever will know of them, and that therefore, I still +enjoy a measure of respect in that quarter. Only one thing do I +fear-- I fear gossip. Garrulous though my landlady be, she said +but little when, with the aid of your ten roubles, I today paid +her part of her account; and as for the rest of my companions, +they do not matter at all. So long as I have not borrowed money +from them, I need pay them no attention. To conclude my +explanations, let me tell you that I value your respect for me +above everything in the world, and have found it my greatest +comfort during this temporary distress of mine. Thank God, the +first shock of things has abated, now that you have agreed not to +look upon me as faithless and an egotist simply because I have +deceived you. I wish to hold you to myself, for the reason that I +cannot bear to part with you, and love you as my guardian angel. +. . . I have now returned to work, and am applying myself +diligently to my duties. Also, yesterday Evstafi Ivanovitch +exchanged a word or two with me. Yet I will not conceal from you +the fact that my debts are crushing me down, and that my wardrobe +is in a sorry state. At the same time, these things do not REALLY +matter and I would bid you not despair about them. Send me, +however, another half-rouble if you can (though that half-rouble +will stab me to the heart--stab me with the thought that it is +not I who am helping you, but YOU who are helping ME). Thedora +has done well to get those fifteen roubles for you. At the +moment, fool of an old man that I am, I have no hope of acquiring +any more money; but as soon as ever I do so, I will write to you +and let you know all about it. What chiefly worries me is the +fear of gossip. Goodbye, little angel. I kiss your hands, and +beseech you to regain your health. If this is not a detailed +letter, the reason is that I must soon be starting for the +office, in order that, by strict application to duty, I may make +amends for the past. Further information concerning my doings (as +well as concerning that affair with the officers) must be +deferred until tonight.--Your affectionate and respectful friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + + July 28th. + +DEAREST LITTLE BARBARA,--It is YOU who have committed a fault-- +and one which must weigh heavily upon your conscience. Indeed, +your last letter has amazed and confounded me,--so much so that, +on once more looking into the recesses of my heart, I perceive +that I was perfectly right in what I did. Of course I am not now +referring to my debauch (no, indeed!), but to the fact that I +love you, and to the fact that it is unwise of me to love you-- +very unwise. You know not how matters stand, my darling. You know +not why I am BOUND to love you. Otherwise you would not say all +that you do. Yet I am persuaded that it is your head rather than +your heart that is speaking. I am certain that your heart thinks +very differently. + +What occurred that night between myself and those officers I +scarcely know, I scarcely remember. You must bear in mind that +for some time past I have been in terrible distress--that for a +whole month I have been, so to speak, hanging by a single thread. +Indeed, my position has been most pitiable. Though I hid myself +from you, my landlady was forever shouting and railing at me. +This would not have mattered a jot--the horrible old woman might +have shouted as much as she pleased--had it not been that, in the +first place, there was the disgrace of it, and, in the second +place, she had somehow learned of our connection, and kept +proclaiming it to the household until I felt perfectly deafened, +and had to stop my ears. The point, however, is that other people +did not stop their ears, but, on the contrary, pricked them. +Indeed, I am at a loss what to do. + +Really this wretched rabble has driven me to extremities. It all +began with my hearing a strange rumour from Thedora--namely, that +an unworthy suitor had been to visit you, and had insulted you +with an improper proposal. That he had insulted you deeply I knew +from my own feelings, for I felt insulted in an equal degree. +Upon that, my angel, I went to pieces, and, losing all self- +control, plunged headlong. Bursting into an unspeakable frenzy, I +was at once going to call upon this villain of a seducer--though +what to do next I knew not, seeing that I was fearful of giving +you offence. Ah, what a night of sorrow it was, and what a time +of gloom, rain, and sleet! Next, I was returning home, but found +myself unable to stand upon my feet. Then Emelia Ilyitch happened +to come by. He also is a tchinovnik--or rather, was a tchinovnik, +since he was turned out of the service some time ago. What he was +doing there at that moment I do not know; I only know that I went +with him. . . . Surely it cannot give you pleasure to read of the +misfortunes of your friend--of his sorrows, and of the +temptations which he experienced? . . . On the evening of the +third day Emelia urged me to go and see the officer of whom I +have spoken, and whose address I had learned from our dvornik. +More strictly speaking, I had noticed him when, on a previous +occasion, he had come to play cards here, and I had followed him +home. Of course I now see that I did wrong, but I felt beside +myself when I heard them telling him stories about me. Exactly +what happened next I cannot remember. I only remember that +several other officers were present as well as he. Or it may be +that I saw everything double--God alone knows. Also, I cannot +exactly remember what I said. I only remember that in my fury I +said a great deal. Then they turned me out of the room, and threw +me down the staircase--pushed me down it, that is to say. How I +got home you know. That is all. Of course, later I blamed myself, +and my pride underwent a fall; but no extraneous person except +yourself knows of the affair, and in any case it does not matter. +Perhaps the affair is as you imagine it to have been, Barbara? +One thing I know for certain, and that is that last year one of +our lodgers, Aksenti Osipovitch, took a similar liberty with +Peter Petrovitch, yet kept the fact secret, an absolute secret. +He called him into his room (I happened to be looking through a +crack in the partition-wall), and had an explanation with him in +the way that a gentleman should--noone except myself being a +witness of the scene; whereas, in my own case, I had no +explanation at all. After the scene was over, nothing further +transpired between Aksenti Osipovitch and Peter Petrovitch, for +the reason that the latter was so desirous of getting on in life +that he held his tongue. As a result, they bow and shake hands +whenever they meet. . . . I will not dispute the fact that I have +erred most grievously--that I should never dare to dispute, or +that I have fallen greatly in my own estimation; but, I think I +was fated from birth so to do--and one cannot escape fate, my +beloved. Here, therefore, is a detailed explanation of my +misfortunes and sorrows, written for you to read whenever you may +find it convenient. I am far from well, beloved, and have lost +all my gaiety of disposition, but I send you this letter as a +token of my love, devotion, and respect, Oh dear lady of my +affections.-- Your humble servant, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + + July 29th. + +MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--I have read your two letters, and +they make my heart ache. See here, dear friend of mine. You pass +over certain things in silence, and write about a PORTION only of +your misfortunes. Can it be that the letters are the outcome of a +mental disorder? . . . Come and see me, for God's sake. Come +today, direct from the office, and dine with us as you have done +before. As to how you are living now, or as to what settlement +you have made with your landlady, I know not, for you write +nothing concerning those two points, and seem purposely to have +left them unmentioned. Au revoir, my friend. Come to me today +without fail. You would do better ALWAYS to dine here. Thedora is +an excellent cook. Goodbye --Your own, + +BARBARA DOBROSELOVA. + + + + August 1st. + +MY DARLING BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--Thank God that He has sent you a +chance of repaying my good with good. I believe in so doing, as +well as in the sweetness of your angelic heart. Therefore, I will +not reproach you. Only I pray you, do not again blame me because +in the decline of my life I have played the spendthrift. It was +such a sin, was it not?--such a thing to do? And even if you +would still have it that the sin was there, remember, little +friend, what it costs me to hear such words fall from your lips. +Do not be vexed with me for saying this, for my heart is +fainting. Poor people are subject to fancies--this is a provision +of nature. I myself have had reason to know this. The poor man is +exacting. He cannot see God's world as it is, but eyes each +passer-by askance, and looks around him uneasily in order that he +may listen to every word that is being uttered. May not people be +talking of him? How is it that he is so unsightly? What is he +feeling at all? What sort of figure is he cutting on the one side +or on the other? It is matter of common knowledge, my Barbara, +that the poor man ranks lower than a rag, and will never earn the +respect of any one. Yes, write about him as you like--let +scribblers say what they choose about him-- he will ever remain +as he was. And why is this? It is because, from his very nature, +the poor man has to wear his feelings on his sleeve, so that +nothing about him is sacred, and as for his self-respect--! Well, +Emelia told me the other day that once, when he had to collect +subscriptions, official sanction was demanded for every single +coin, since people thought that it would be no use paying their +money to a poor man. Nowadays charity is strangely administered. +Perhaps it has always been so. Either folk do not know how to +administer it, or they are adept in the art--one of the two. +Perhaps you did not know this, so I beg to tell it you. And how +comes it that the poor man knows, is so conscious of it all? The +answer is--by experience. He knows because any day he may see a +gentleman enter a restaurant and ask himself, "What shall I have +to eat today? I will have such and such a dish," while all the +time the poor man will have nothing to eat that day but gruel. +There are men, too--wretched busybodies--who walk about merely to +see if they can find some wretched tchinovnik or broken-down +official who has got toes projecting from his boots or his hair +uncut! And when they have found such a one they make a report of +the circumstance, and their rubbish gets entered on the file.... +But what does it matter to you if my hair lacks the shears? If +you will forgive me what may seem to you a piece of rudeness, I +declare that the poor man is ashamed of such things with the +sensitiveness of a young girl. YOU, for instance, would not care +(pray pardon my bluntness) to unrobe yourself before the public +eye; and in the same way, the poor man does not like to be pried +at or questioned concerning his family relations, and so forth. A +man of honour and self-respect such as I am finds it painful and +grievous to have to consort with men who would deprive him of +both. + +Today I sat before my colleagues like a bear's cub or a plucked +sparrow, so that I fairly burned with shame. Yes, it hurt me +terribly, Barbara. Naturally one blushes when one can see one's +naked toes projecting through one's boots, and one's buttons +hanging by a single thread! As though on purpose, I seemed, on +this occasion, to be peculiarly dishevelled. No wonder that my +spirits fell. When I was talking on business matters to Stepan +Karlovitch, he suddenly exclaimed, for no apparent reason, "Ah, +poor old Makar Alexievitch!" and then left the rest unfinished. +But I knew what he had in his mind, and blushed so hotly that +even the bald patch on my head grew red. Of course the whole +thing is nothing, but it worries me, and leads to anxious +thoughts. What can these fellows know about me? God send that +they know nothing! But I confess that I suspect, I strongly +suspect, one of my colleagues. Let them only betray me! They +would betray one's private life for a groat, for they hold +nothing sacred. + +I have an idea who is at the bottom of it all. It is Rataziaev. +Probably he knows someone in our department to whom he has +recounted the story with additions. Or perhaps he has spread it +abroad in his own department, and thence, it has crept and +crawled into ours. Everyone here knows it, down to the last +detail, for I have seen them point at you with their fingers +through the window. Oh yes, I have seen them do it. Yesterday, +when I stepped across to dine with you, the whole crew were +hanging out of the window to watch me, and the landlady exclaimed +that the devil was in young people, and called you certain +unbecoming names. But this is as nothing compared with +Rataziaev's foul intention to place us in his books, and to +describe us in a satire. He himself has declared that he is going +to do so, and other people say the same. In fact, I know not what +to think, nor what to decide. It is no use concealing the fact +that you and I have sinned against the Lord God.... You were +going to send me a book of some sort, to divert my mind--were you +not, dearest? What book, though, could now divert me? Only such +books as have never existed on earth. Novels are rubbish, and +written for fools and for the idle. Believe me, dearest, I know +it through long experience. Even should they vaunt Shakespeare to +you, I tell you that Shakespeare is rubbish, and proper only for +lampoons--Your own, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +August 2nd. + +MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--Do not disquiet yourself. God will +grant that all shall turn out well. Thedora has obtained a +quantity of work, both for me and herself, and we are setting +about it with a will. Perhaps it will put us straight again. +Thedora suspects my late misfortunes to be connected with Anna +Thedorovna; but I do not care--I feel extraordinarily cheerful +today. So you are thinking of borrowing more money? If so, may +God preserve you, for you will assuredly be ruined when the time +comes for repayment! You had far better come and live with us +here for a little while. Yes, come and take up your abode here, +and pay no attention whatever to what your landlady says. As for +the rest of your enemies and ill-wishers, I am certain that it is +with vain imaginings that you are vexing yourself. . . . In +passing, let me tell you that your style differs greatly from +letter to letter. Goodbye until we meet again. I await your +coming with impatience--Your own, + +B. D. + + + +August 3rd. + +MY ANGEL, BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I hasten to inform you, Oh light of +my life, that my hopes are rising again. But, little daughter of +mine--do you really mean it when you say that I am to indulge in +no more borrowings? Why, I could not do without them. Things +would go badly with us both if I did so. You are ailing. +Consequently, I tell you roundly that I MUST borrow, and that I +must continue to do so. + +Also, I may tell you that my seat in the office is now next to +that of a certain Emelia Ivanovitch. He is not the Emelia whom +you know, but a man who, like myself, is a privy councillor, as +well as represents, with myself, the senior and oldest official +in our department. Likewise he is a good, disinterested soul, and +one that is not over-talkative, though a true bear in appearance +and demeanour. Industrious, and possessed of a handwriting purely +English, his caligraphy is, it must be confessed, even worse than +my own. Yes, he is a good soul. At the same time, we have never +been intimate with one another. We have done no more than +exchange greetings on meeting or parting, borrow one another's +penknife if we needed one, and, in short, observe such bare +civilities as convention demands. Well, today he said to me, +"Makar Alexievitch, what makes you look so thoughtful?" and +inasmuch as I could see that he wished me well, I told him all-- +or, rather, I did not tell him EVERYTHING, for that I do to no +man (I have not the heart to do it); I told him just a few +scattered details concerning my financial straits. "Then you +ought to borrow," said he. "You ought to obtain a loan of Peter +Petrovitch, who does a little in that way. I myself once borrowed +some money of him, and he charged me fair and light interest." +Well, Barbara, my heart leapt within me at these words. I kept +thinking and thinking, --if only God would put it into the mind +of Peter Petrovitch to be my benefactor by advancing me a loan!" +I calculated that with its aid I might both repay my landlady and +assist yourself and get rid of my surroundings (where I can +hardly sit down to table without the rascals making jokes about +me). Sometimes his Excellency passes our desk in the office. He +glances at me, and cannot but perceive how poorly I am dressed. +Now, neatness and cleanliness are two of his strongest points. +Even though he says nothing, I feel ready to die with shame when +he approaches. Well, hardening my heart, and putting my +diffidence into my ragged pocket, I approached Peter Petrovitch, +and halted before him more dead than alive. Yet I was hopeful, +and though, as it turned out, he was busily engaged in talking to +Thedosei Ivanovitch, I walked up to him from behind, and plucked +at his sleeve. He looked away from me, but I recited my speech +about thirty roubles, et cetera, et cetera, of which, at first, +he failed to catch the meaning. Even when I had explained matters +to him more fully, he only burst out laughing, and said nothing. +Again I addressed to him my request; whereupon, asking me what +security I could give, he again buried himself in his papers, and +went on writing without deigning me even a second glance. Dismay +seized me. "Peter Petrovitch," I said, "I can offer you no +security," but to this I added an explanation that some salary +would, in time, be due to me, which I would make over to him, and +account the loan my first debt. At that moment someone called him +away, and I had to wait a little. On returning, he began to mend +his pen as though he had not even noticed that I was there. But I +was for myself this time. "Peter Petrovitch," I continued, "can +you not do ANYTHING?" Still he maintained silence, and seemed not +to have heard me. I waited and waited. At length I determined to +make a final attempt, and plucked him by the sleeve. He muttered +something, and, his pen mended, set about his writing. There was +nothing for me to do but to depart. He and the rest of them are +worthy fellows, dearest--that I do not doubt-- but they are also +proud, very proud. What have I to do with them? Yet I thought I +would write and tell you all about it. Meanwhile Emelia +Ivanovitch had been encouraging me with nods and smiles. He is a +good soul, and has promised to recommend me to a friend of his +who lives in Viborskaia Street and lends money. Emelia declares +that this friend will certainly lend me a little; so tomorrow, +beloved, I am going to call upon the gentleman in question. . . . +What do you think about it? It would be a pity not to obtain a +loan. My landlady is on the point of turning me out of doors, and +has refused to allow me any more board. Also, my boots are +wearing through, and have lost every button--and I do not possess +another pair! Could anyone in a government office display greater +shabbiness? It is dreadful, my Barbara--it is simply dreadful! + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + + August 4th. + +MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--For God's sake borrow some money +as soon as you can. I would not ask this help of you were it not +for the situation in which I am placed. Thedora and myself cannot +remain any longer in our present lodgings, for we have been +subjected to great unpleasantness, and you cannot imagine my +state of agitation and dismay. The reason is that this morning we +received a visit from an elderly--almost an old--man whose breast +was studded with orders. Greatly surprised, I asked him what he +wanted (for at the moment Thedora had gone out shopping); +whereupon he began to question me as to my mode of life and +occupation, and then, without waiting for an answer, informed me +that he was uncle to the officer of whom you have spoken; that he +was very angry with his nephew for the way in which the latter +had behaved, especially with regard to his slandering of me right +and left; and that he, the uncle, was ready to protect me from +the young spendthrift's insolence. Also, he advised me to have +nothing to say to young fellows of that stamp, and added that he +sympathised with me as though he were my own father, and would +gladly help me in any way he could. At this I blushed in some +confusion, but did not greatly hasten to thank him. Next, he took +me forcibly by the hand, and, tapping my cheek, said that I was +very good-looking, and that he greatly liked the dimples in my +face (God only knows what he meant!). Finally he tried to kiss +me, on the plea that he was an old man, the brute! At this moment +Thedora returned; whereupon, in some confusion, he repeated that +he felt a great respect for my modesty and virtue, and that he +much wished to become acquainted with me; after which he took +Thedora aside, and tried, on some pretext or another, to give her +money (though of course she declined it). At last he took himself +off--again reiterating his assurances, and saying that he +intended to return with some earrings as a present; that he +advised me to change my lodgings; and, that he could recommend me +a splendid flat which he had in his mind's eye as likely to cost +me nothing. Yes, he also declared that he greatly liked me for my +purity and good sense; that I must beware of dissolute young men; +and that he knew Anna Thedorovna, who had charged him to inform +me that she would shortly be visiting me in person. Upon that, I +understood all. What I did next I scarcely know, for I had never +before found myself in such a position; but I believe that I +broke all restraints, and made the old man feel thoroughly +ashamed of himself--Thedora helping me in the task, and well-nigh +turning him neck and crop out of the tenement. Neither of us +doubt that this is Anna Thedorovna's work-- for how otherwise +could the old man have got to know about us? + +Now, therefore, Makar Alexievitch, I turn to you for help. Do +not, for God's sake, leave me in this plight. Borrow all the +money that you can get, for I have not the wherewithal to leave +these lodgings, yet cannot possibly remain in them any longer. At +all events, this is Thedora's advice. She and I need at least +twenty-five roubles, which I will repay you out of what I earn by +my work, while Thedora shall get me additional work from day to +day, so that, if there be heavy interest to pay on the loan, you +shall not be troubled with the extra burden. Nay, I will make +over to you all that I possess if only you will continue to help +me. Truly, I grieve to have to trouble you when you yourself are +so hardly situated, but my hopes rest upon you, and upon you +alone. Goodbye, Makar Alexievitch. Think of me, and may God speed +you on your errand! + +B.D. + + + + August 4th. + +MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--These unlooked-for blows have +shaken me terribly, and these strange calamities have quite +broken my spirit. Not content with trying to bring you to a bed +of sickness, these lickspittles and pestilent old men are trying +to bring me to the same. And I assure you that they are +succeeding--I assure you that they are. Yet I would rather die +than not help you. If I cannot help you I SHALL die; but, to +enable me to help you, you must flee like a bird out of the nest +where these owls, these birds of prey, are seeking to peck you to +death. How distressed I feel, my dearest! Yet how cruel you +yourself are! Although you are enduring pain and insult, although +you, little nestling, are in agony of spirit, you actually tell +me that it grieves you to disturb me, and that you will work off +your debt to me with the labour of your own hands! In other +words, you, with your weak health, are proposing to kill yourself +in order to relieve me to term of my financial embarrassments! +Stop a moment, and think what you are saying. WHY should you sew, +and work, and torture your poor head with anxiety, and spoil your +beautiful eyes, and ruin your health? Why, indeed? Ah, little +Barbara, little Barbara! Do you not see that I shall never be any +good to you, never any good to you? At all events, I myself see +it. Yet I WILL help you in your distress. I WILL overcome every +difficulty, I WILL get extra work to do, I WILL copy out +manuscripts for authors, I WILL go to the latter and force them +to employ me, I WILL so apply myself to the work that they shall +see that I am a good copyist (and good copyists, I know, are +always in demand). Thus there will be no need for you to exhaust +your strength, nor will I allow you to do so--I will not have you +carry out your disastrous intention. . . Yes, little angel, I +will certainly borrow some money. I would rather die than not do +so. Merely tell me, my own darling, that I am not to shrink from +heavy interest, and I will not shrink from it, I will not shrink +from it--nay, I will shrink from nothing. I will ask for forty +roubles, to begin with. That will not be much, will it, little +Barbara? Yet will any one trust me even with that sum at the +first asking? Do you think that I am capable of inspiring +confidence at the first glance? Would the mere sight of my face +lead any one to form of me a favourable opinion? Have I ever been +able, remember you, to appear to anyone in a favourable light? +What think you? Personally, I see difficulties in the way, and +feel sick at heart at the mere prospect. However, of those forty +roubles I mean to set aside twenty-five for yourself, two for my +landlady, and the remainder for my own spending. Of course, I +ought to give more than two to my landlady, but you must remember +my necessities, and see for yourself that that is the most that +can be assigned to her. We need say no more about it. For one +rouble I shall buy me a new pair of shoes, for I scarcely know +whether my old ones will take me to the office tomorrow morning. +Also, a new neck-scarf is indispensable, seeing that the old one +has now passed its first year; but, since you have promised to +make of your old apron not only a scarf, but also a shirt-front, +I need think no more of the article in question. So much for +shoes and scarves. Next, for buttons. You yourself will agree +that I cannot do without buttons; nor is there on my garments a +single hem unfrayed. I tremble when I think that some day his +Excellency may perceive my untidiness, and say--well, what will +he NOT say? Yet I shall never hear what he says, for I shall have +expired where I sit--expired of mere shame at the thought of +having been thus exposed. Ah, dearest! . . . Well, my various +necessities will have left me three roubles to go on with. Part +of this sum I shall expend upon a half-pound of tobacco--for I +cannot live without tobacco, and it is nine days since I last put +a pipe into my mouth. To tell the truth, I shall buy the tobacco +without acquainting you with the fact, although I ought not so to +do. The pity of it all is that, while you are depriving yourself +of everything, I keep solacing myself with various amenities-- +which is why I am telling you this, that the pangs of conscience +may not torment me. Frankly, I confess that I am in desperate +straits--in such straits as I have never yet known. My landlady +flouts me, and I enjoy the respect of noone; my arrears and debts +are terrible; and in the office, though never have I found the +place exactly a paradise, noone has a single word to say to me. +Yet I hide, I carefully hide, this from every one. I would hide +my person in the same way, were it not that daily I have to +attend the office where I have to be constantly on my guard +against my fellows. Nevertheless, merely to be able to CONFESS +this to you renews my spiritual strength. We must not think of +these things, Barbara, lest the thought of them break our +courage. I write them down merely to warn you NOT to think of +them, nor to torture yourself with bitter imaginings. Yet, my +God, what is to become of us? Stay where you are until I can come +to you; after which I shall not return hither, but simply +disappear. Now I have finished my letter, and must go and shave +myself, inasmuch as, when that is done, one always feels more +decent, as well as consorts more easily with decency. God speed +me! One prayer to Him, and I must be off. + +M. DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +August 5th. + +DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH, - You must not despair. Away with +melancholy! I am sending you thirty kopecks in silver, and regret +that I cannot send you more. Buy yourself what you most need +until tomorrow. I myself have almost nothing left, and what I am +going to do I know not. Is it not dreadful, Makar Alexievitch? +Yet do not be downcast--it is no good being that. Thedora +declares that it would not be a bad thing if we were to remain in +this tenement, since if we left it suspicions would arise, and +our enemies might take it into their heads to look for us. On the +other hand, I do not think it would be well for us to remain +here. If I were feeling less sad I would tell you my reason. + +What a strange man you are, Makar Alexievitch! You take things so +much to heart that you never know what it is to be happy. I read +your letters attentively, and can see from them that, though you +worry and disturb yourself about me, you never give a thought to +yourself. Yes, every letter tells me that you have a kind heart; +but I tell YOU that that heart is overly kind. So I will give you +a little friendly advice, Makar Alexievitch. I am full of +gratitude towards you--I am indeed full for all that you have +done for me, I am most sensible of your goodness; but, to think +that I should be forced to see that, in spite of your own +troubles (of which I have been the involuntary cause), you live +for me alone--you live but for MY joys and MY sorrows and MY +affection! If you take the affairs of another person so to heart, +and suffer with her to such an extent, I do not wonder that you +yourself are unhappy. Today, when you came to see me after +office-work was done, I felt afraid even to raise my eyes to +yours, for you looked so pale and desperate, and your face had so +fallen in. Yes, you were dreading to have to tell me of your +failure to borrow money--you were dreading to have to grieve and +alarm me; but, when you saw that I came very near to smiling, the +load was, I know, lifted from your heart. So do not be +despondent, do not give way, but allow more rein to your better +sense. I beg and implore this of you, for it will not be long +before you see things take a turn for the better. You will but +spoil your life if you constantly lament another person's sorrow. +Goodbye, dear friend. I beseech you not to be over-anxious about +me. + +B. D. + + + + August 5th. + +MY DARLING LITTLE BARBARA,--This is well, this is well, my angel! +So you are of opinion that the fact that I have failed to obtain +any money does not matter? Then I too am reassured, I too am +happy on your account. Also, I am delighted to think that you are +not going to desert your old friend, but intend to remain in your +present lodgings. Indeed, my heart was overcharged with joy when +I read in your letter those kindly words about myself, as well as +a not wholly unmerited recognition of my sentiments. I say this +not out of pride, but because now I know how much you love me to +be thus solicitous for my feelings. How good to think that I may +speak to you of them! You bid me, darling, not be faint-hearted. +Indeed, there is no need for me to be so. Think, for instance, of +the pair of shoes which I shall be wearing to the office +tomorrow! The fact is that over-brooding proves the undoing of a +man--his complete undoing. What has saved me is the fact that it +is not for myself that I am grieving, that I am suffering, but +for YOU. Nor would it matter to me in the least that I should +have to walk through the bitter cold without an overcoat or +boots--I could bear it, I could well endure it, for I am a simple +man in my requirements; but the point is--what would people say, +what would every envious and hostile tongue exclaim, when I was +seen without an overcoat? It is for OTHER folk that one wears an +overcoat and boots. In any case, therefore, I should have needed +boots to maintain my name and reputation; to both of which my +ragged footgear would otherwise have spelled ruin. Yes, it is so, +my beloved, and you may believe an old man who has had many years +of experience, and knows both the world and mankind, rather than +a set of scribblers and daubers. + +But I have not yet told you in detail how things have gone with +me today. During the morning I suffered as much agony of spirit +as might have been experienced in a year. 'Twas like this: First +of all, I went out to call upon the gentleman of whom I have +spoken. I started very early, before going to the office. Rain +and sleet were falling, and I hugged myself in my greatcoat as I +walked along. "Lord," thought I, "pardon my offences, and send me +fulfilment of all my desires;" and as I passed a church I crossed +myself, repented of my sins, and reminded myself that I was +unworthy to hold communication with the Lord God. Then I retired +into myself, and tried to look at nothing; and so, walking +without noticing the streets, I proceeded on my way. Everything +had an empty air, and everyone whom I met looked careworn and +preoccupied, and no wonder, for who would choose to walk abroad +at such an early hour, and in such weather? Next a band of ragged +workmen met me, and jostled me boorishly as they passed; upon +which nervousness overtook me, and I felt uneasy, and tried hard +not to think of the money that was my errand. Near the +Voskresenski Bridge my feet began to ache with weariness, until I +could hardly pull myself along; until presently I met with +Ermolaev, a writer in our office, who, stepping aside, halted, +and followed me with his eyes, as though to beg of me a glass of +vodka. "Ah, friend," thought I, "go YOU to your vodka, but what +have I to do with such stuff?" Then, sadly weary, I halted for a +moment's rest, and thereafter dragged myself further on my way. +Purposely I kept looking about me for something upon which to +fasten my thoughts, with which to distract, to encourage myself; +but there was nothing. Not a single idea could I connect with any +given object, while, in addition, my appearance was so draggled +that I felt utterly ashamed of it. At length I perceived from +afar a gabled house that was built of yellow wood. This, I +thought, must be the residence of the Monsieur Markov whom Emelia +Ivanovitch had mentioned to me as ready to lend money on +interest. Half unconscious of what I was doing, I asked a +watchman if he could tell me to whom the house belonged; +whereupon grudgingly, and as though he were vexed at something, +the fellow muttered that it belonged to one Markov. Are ALL +watchmen so unfeeling? Why did this one reply as he did? In any +case I felt disagreeably impressed, for like always answers to +like, and, no matter what position one is in, things invariably +appear to correspond to it. Three times did I pass the house and +walk the length of the street; until the further I walked, the +worse became my state of mind. "No, never, never will he lend me +anything!" I thought to myself, "He does not know me, and my +affairs will seem to him ridiculous, and I shall cut a sorry +figure. However, let fate decide for me. Only, let Heaven send +that I do not afterwards repent me, and eat out my heart with +remorse!" Softly I opened the wicket-gate. Horrors! A great +ragged brute of a watch-dog came flying out at me, and foaming at +the mouth, and nearly jumping out his skin! Curious is it to note +what little, trivial incidents will nearly make a man crazy, and +strike terror to his heart, and annihilate the firm purpose with +which he has armed himself. At all events, I approached the house +more dead than alive, and walked straight into another +catastrophe. That is to say, not noticing the slipperiness of the +threshold, I stumbled against an old woman who was filling milk- +jugs from a pail, and sent the milk flying in every direction! +The foolish old dame gave a start and a cry, and then demanded of +me whither I had been coming, and what it was I wanted; after +which she rated me soundly for my awkwardness. Always have I +found something of the kind befall me when engaged on errands of +this nature. It seems to be my destiny invariably to run into +something. Upon that, the noise and the commotion brought out the +mistress of the house--an old beldame of mean appearance. I +addressed myself directly to her: "Does Monsieur Markov live +here?" was my inquiry. "No," she replied, and then stood looking +at me civilly enough. "But what want you with him?" she +continued; upon which I told her about Emelia Ivanovitch and the +rest of the business. As soon as I had finished, she called her +daughter--a barefooted girl in her teens-- and told her to summon +her father from upstairs. Meanwhile, I was shown into a room +which contained several portraits of generals on the walls and +was furnished with a sofa, a large table, and a few pots of +mignonette and balsam. "Shall I, or shall I not (come weal, come +woe) take myself off?" was my thought as I waited there. Ah, how +I longed to run away! "Yes," I continued, "I had better come +again tomorrow, for the weather may then be better, and I shall +not have upset the milk, and these generals will not be looking +at me so fiercely." In fact, I had actually begun to move towards +the door when Monsieur Markov entered--a grey-headed man with +thievish eyes, and clad in a dirty dressing-gown fastened with a +belt. Greetings over, I stumbled out something about Emelia +Ivanovitch and forty roubles, and then came to a dead halt, for +his eyes told me that my errand had been futile. "No." said he, +"I have no money. Moreover, what security could you offer?" I +admitted that I could offer none, but again added something about +Emelia, as well as about my pressing needs. Markov heard me out, +and then repeated that he had no money. " Ah," thought I, "I +might have known this--I might have foreseen it!" And, to tell +the truth, Barbara, I could have wished that the earth had opened +under my feet, so chilled did I feel as he said what he did, so +numbed did my legs grow as shivers began to run down my back. +Thus I remained gazing at him while he returned my gaze with a +look which said, "Well now, my friend? Why do you not go since +you have no further business to do here?" Somehow I felt +conscience-stricken. "How is it that you are in such need of +money?" was what he appeared to be asking; whereupon, I opened my +mouth (anything rather than stand there to no purpose at all!) +but found that he was not even listening. "I have no money," +again he said, "or I would lend you some with pleasure." Several +times I repeated that I myself possessed a little, and that I +would repay any loan from him punctually, most punctually, and +that he might charge me what interest he liked, since I would +meet it without fail. Yes, at that moment I remembered our +misfortunes, our necessities, and I remembered your half-rouble. +"No," said he, "I can lend you nothing without security," and +clinched his assurance with an oath, the robber! + +How I contrived to leave the house and, passing through +Viborskaia Street, to reach the Voskresenski Bridge I do not +know. I only remember that I felt terribly weary, cold, and +starved, and that it was ten o'clock before I reached the office. +Arriving, I tried to clean myself up a little, but Sniegirev, the +porter, said that it was impossible for me to do so, and that I +should only spoil the brush, which belonged to the Government. +Thus, my darling, do such fellows rate me lower than the mat on +which they wipe their boots! What is it that will most surely +break me? It is not the want of money, but the LITTLE worries of +life--these whisperings and nods and jeers. Anyday his Excellency +himself may round upon me. Ah, dearest, my golden days are gone. +Today I have spent in reading your letters through; and the +reading of them has made me sad. Goodbye, my own, and may the +Lord watch over you! + +M. DIEVUSHKIN. + +P.S.--To conceal my sorrow I would have written this letter half +jestingly; but, the faculty of jesting has not been given me. My +one desire, however, is to afford you pleasure. Soon I will come +and see you, dearest. Without fail I will come and see you. + + + +August 11th. + +O Barbara Alexievna, I am undone--we are both of us undone! Both +of us are lost beyond recall! Everything is ruined--my +reputation, my self-respect, all that I have in the world! And +you as much as I. Never shall we retrieve what we have lost. I-- +I have brought you to this pass, for I have become an outcast, my +darling. Everywhere I am laughed at and despised. Even my +landlady has taken to abusing me. Today she overwhelmed me with +shrill reproaches, and abased me to the level of a hearth-brush. +And last night, when I was in Rataziaev's rooms, one of his +friends began to read a scribbled note which I had written to +you, and then inadvertently pulled out of my pocket. Oh beloved, +what laughter there arose at the recital! How those scoundrels +mocked and derided you and myself! I walked up to them and +accused Rataziaev of breaking faith. I said that he had played +the traitor. But he only replied that I had been the betrayer in +the case, by indulging in various amours. "You have kept them +very dark though, Mr. Lovelace!" said he-- and now I am known +everywhere by this name of "Lovelace." They know EVERYTHING about +us, my darling, EVERYTHING--both about you and your affairs and +about myself; and when today I was for sending Phaldoni to the +bakeshop for something or other, he refused to go, saying that it +was not his business. "But you MUST go," said I. "I will not," he +replied. "You have not paid my mistress what you owe her, so I am +not bound to run your errands." At such an insult from a raw +peasant I lost my temper, and called him a fool; to which he +retorted in a similar vein. Upon this I thought that he must be +drunk, and told him so; whereupon he replied: "WHAT say you that +I am? Suppose you yourself go and sober up, for I know that the +other day you went to visit a woman, and that you got drunk with +her on two grivenniks." To such a pass have things come! I feel +ashamed to be seen alive. I am, as it were, a man proclaimed; I +am in a worse plight even than a tramp who has lost his passport. +How misfortunes are heaping themselves upon me! I am lost--I am +lost for ever! + +M. D. + + + + August 13th. + +MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--It is true that misfortune is +following upon misfortune. I myself scarcely know what to do. +Yet, no matter how you may be fairing, you must not look for help +from me, for only today I burned my left hand with the iron! At +one and the same moment I dropped the iron, made a mistake in my +work, and burned myself! So now I can no longer work. Also, these +three days past, Thedora has been ailing. My anxiety is becoming +positively torturous. Nevertheless, I send you thirty kopecks-- +almost the last coins that I have left to me, much as I should +have liked to have helped you more when you are so much in need. +I feel vexed to the point of weeping. Goodbye, dear friend of +mine. You will bring me much comfort if only you will come and +see me today. + +B. D. + + + +August 14th. + +What is the matter with you, Makar Alexievitch? Surely you cannot +fear the Lord God as you ought to do? You are not only driving me +to distraction but also ruining yourself with this eternal +solicitude for your reputation. You are a man of honour, nobility +of character, and self-respect, as everyone knows; yet, at any +moment, you are ready to die with shame! Surely you should have +more consideration for your grey hairs. No, the fear of God has +departed from you. Thedora has told you that it is out of my +power to render you anymore help. See, therefore, to what a pass +you have brought me! Probably you think it is nothing to me that +you should behave so badly; probably you do not realise what you +have made me suffer. I dare not set foot on the staircase here, +for if I do so I am stared at, and pointed at, and spoken about +in the most horrible manner. Yes, it is even said of me that I am +"united to a drunkard." What a thing to hear! And whenever you +are brought home drunk folk say, "They are carrying in that +tchinovnik." THAT is not the proper way to make me help you. I +swear that I MUST leave this place, and go and get work as a cook +or a laundress. It is impossible for me to stay here. Long ago I +wrote and asked you to come and see me, yet you have not come. +Truly my tears and prayers must mean NOTHING to you, Makar +Alexievitch! Whence, too, did you get the money for your +debauchery? For the love of God be more careful of yourself, or +you will be ruined. How shameful, how abominable of you! So the +landlady would not admit you last night, and you spent the night +on the doorstep? Oh, I know all about it. Yet if only you could +have seen my agony when I heard the news! . . . Come and see me, +Makar Alexievitch, and we will once more be happy together. Yes, +we will read together, and talk of old times, and Thedora shall +tell you of her pilgrimages in former days. For God's sake +beloved, do not ruin both yourself and me. I live for you alone; +it is for your sake alone that I am still here. Be your better +self once more--the self which still can remain firm in the face +of misfortune. Poverty is no crime; always remember that. After +all, why should we despair? Our present difficulties will pass +away, and God will right us. Only be brave. I send you two +grivenniks for the purchase of some tobacco or anything else that +you need; but, for the love of heaven, do not spend the money +foolishly. Come you and see me soon; come without fail. Perhaps +you may be ashamed to meet me, as you were before, but you NEED +not feel like that--such shame would be misplaced. Only do bring +with you sincere repentance and trust in God, who orders all +things for the best. + +B. D. + + + + August 19th. + +MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA, -Yes, I AM ashamed to meet you, my +darling--I AM ashamed. At the same time, what is there in all +this? Why should we not be cheerful again? Why should I mind the +soles of my feet coming through my boots? The sole of one's foot +is a mere bagatelle--it will never be anything but just a base, +dirty sole. And shoes do not matter, either. The Greek sages used +to walk about without them, so why should we coddle ourselves +with such things? Yet why, also, should I be insulted and +despised because of them? Tell Thedora that she is a rubbishy, +tiresome, gabbling old woman, as well as an inexpressibly foolish +one. As for my grey hairs, you are quite wrong about them, +inasmuch as I am not such an old man as you think. Emelia sends +you his greeting. You write that you are in great distress, and +have been weeping. Well, I too am in great distress, and have +been weeping. Nay, nay. I wish you the best of health and +happiness, even as I am well and happy myself, so long as I may +remain, my darling,--Your friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +August 21st. + +MY DEAR AND KIND BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I feel that I am guilty, I +feel that I have sinned against you. Yet also I feel, from what +you say, that it is no use for me so to feel. Even before I had +sinned I felt as I do now; but I gave way to despair, and the +more so as recognised my fault. Darling, I am not cruel or +hardhearted. To rend your little soul would be the act of a +blood-thirsty tiger, whereas I have the heart of a sheep. You +yourself know that I am not addicted to bloodthirstiness, and +therefore that I cannot really be guilty of the fault in +question, seeing that neither my mind nor my heart have +participated in it. + +Nor can I understand wherein the guilt lies. To me it is all a +mystery. When you sent me those thirty kopecks, and thereafter +those two grivenniks, my heart sank within me as I looked at the +poor little money. To think that though you had burned your hand, +and would soon be hungry, you could write to me that I was to buy +tobacco! What was I to do? Remorselessly to rob you, an orphan, +as any brigand might do? I felt greatly depressed, dearest. That +is to say, persuaded that I should never do any good with my +life, and that I was inferior even to the sole of my own boot, I +took it into my head that it was absurd for me to aspire at all-- +rather, that I ought to account myself a disgrace and an +abomination. Once a man has lost his self-respect, and has +decided to abjure his better qualities and human dignity, he +falls headlong, and cannot choose but do so. It is decreed of +fate, and therefore I am not guilty in this respect. + +That evening I went out merely to get a breath of fresh air, but +one thing followed another-- the weather was cold, all nature was +looking mournful, and I had fallen in with Emelia. This man had +spent everything that he possessed, and, at the time I met him, +had not for two days tasted a crust of bread. He had tried to +raise money by pawning, but what articles he had for the purpose +had been refused by the pawnbrokers. It was more from sympathy +for a fellow-man than from any liking for the individual that I +yielded. That is how the fault arose, dearest. + +He spoke of you, and I mingled my tears with his. Yes, he is a +man of kind, kind heart--a man of deep feeling. I often feel as +he did, dearest, and, in addition, I know how beholden to you I +am. As soon as ever I got to know you I began both to realise +myself and to love you; for until you came into my life I had +been a lonely man--I had been, as it were, asleep rather than +alive. In former days my rascally colleagues used to tell me that +I was unfit even to be seen; in fact, they so disliked me that at +length I began to dislike myself, for, being frequently told that +I was stupid, I began to believe that I really was so. But the +instant that YOU came into my life, you lightened the dark places +in it, you lightened both my heart and my soul. Gradually, I +gained rest of spirit, until I had come to see that I was no +worse than other men, and that, though I had neither style nor +brilliancy nor polish, I was still a MAN as regards my thoughts +and feelings. But now, alas! pursued and scorned of fate, I have +again allowed myself to abjure my own dignity. Oppressed of +misfortune, I have lost my courage. Here is my confession to you, +dearest. With tears I beseech you not to inquire further into the +matter, for my heart is breaking, and life has grown indeed hard +and bitter for me--Beloved, I offer you my respect, and remain +ever your faithful friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +September 3rd. + +The reason why I did not finish my last letter, Makar +Alexievitch, was that I found it so difficult to write. There are +moments when I am glad to be alone--to grieve and repine without +any one to share my sorrow: and those moments are beginning to +come upon me with ever-increasing frequency. Always in my +reminiscences I find something which is inexplicable, yet +strongly attractive-so much so that for hours together I remain +insensible to my surroundings, oblivious of reality. Indeed, in +my present life there is not a single impression that I +encounter--pleasant or the reverse-- which does not recall to my +mind something of a similar nature in the past. More particularly +is this the case with regard to my childhood, my golden +childhood. Yet such moments always leave me depressed. They +render me weak, and exhaust my powers of fancy; with the result +that my health, already not good, grows steadily worse. + +However, this morning it is a fine, fresh, cloudless day, such as +we seldom get in autumn. The air has revived me and I greet it +with joy. Yet to think that already the fall of the year has +come! How I used to love the country in autumn! Then but a child, +I was yet a sensitive being who loved autumn evenings better than +autumn mornings. I remember how beside our house, at the foot of +a hill, there lay a large pond, and how the pond--I can see it +even now!--shone with a broad, level surface that was as clear as +crystal. On still evenings this pond would be at rest, and not a +rustle would disturb the trees which grew on its banks and +overhung the motionless expanse of water. How fresh it used to +seem, yet how cold! The dew would be falling upon the turf, +lights would be beginning to shine forth from the huts on the +pond's margin, and the cattle would be wending their way home. +Then quietly I would slip out of the house to look at my beloved +pond, and forget myself in contemplation. Here and there a +fisherman's bundle of brushwood would be burning at the water's +edge, and sending its light far and wide over the surface. Above, +the sky would be of a cold blue colour, save for a fringe of +flame-coloured streaks on the horizon that kept turning ever +paler and paler; and when the moon had come out there would be +wafted through the limpid air the sounds of a frightened bird +fluttering, of a bulrush rubbing against its fellows in the +gentle breeze, and of a fish rising with a splash. Over the dark +water there would gather a thin, transparent mist; and though, in +the distance, night would be looming, and seemingly enveloping +the entire horizon, everything closer at hand would be standing +out as though shaped with a chisel--banks, boats, little islands, +and all. Beside the margin a derelict barrel would be turning +over and over in the water; a switch of laburnum, with yellowing +leaves, would go meandering through the reeds; and a belated gull +would flutter up, dive again into the cold depths, rise once +more, and disappear into the mist. How I would watch and listen +to these things! How strangely good they all would seem! But I +was a mere infant in those days--a mere child. + +Yes, truly I loved autumn-tide--the late autumn when the crops +are garnered, and field work is ended, and the evening gatherings +in the huts have begun, and everyone is awaiting winter. Then +does everything become more mysterious, the sky frowns with +clouds, yellow leaves strew the paths at the edge of the naked +forest, and the forest itself turns black and blue--more +especially at eventide when damp fog is spreading and the trees +glimmer in the depths like giants, like formless, weird phantoms. +Perhaps one may be out late, and had got separated from one's +companions. Oh horrors! Suddenly one starts and trembles as one +seems to see a strange-looking being peering from out of the +darkness of a hollow tree, while all the while the wind is +moaning and rattling and howling through the forest--moaning with +a hungry sound as it strips the leaves from the bare boughs, and +whirls them into the air. High over the tree-tops, in a +widespread, trailing, noisy crew, there fly, with resounding +cries, flocks of birds which seem to darken and overlay the very +heavens. Then a strange feeling comes over one, until one seems +to hear the voice of some one whispering: "Run, run, little +child! Do not be out late, for this place will soon have become +dreadful! Run, little child! Run!" And at the words terror will +possess one's soul, and one will rush and rush until one's breath +is spent--until, panting, one has reached home. + +At home, however, all will look bright and bustling as we +children are set to shell peas or poppies, and the damp twigs +crackle in the stove, and our mother comes to look fondly at our +work, and our old nurse, Iliana, tells us stories of bygone days, +or terrible legends concerning wizards and dead men. At the +recital we little ones will press closer to one another, yet +smile as we do so; when suddenly, everyone becomes silent. Surely +somebody has knocked at the door? . . . But nay, nay; it is only +the sound of Frolovna's spinning-wheel. What shouts of laughter +arise! Later one will be unable to sleep for fear of the strange +dreams which come to visit one; or, if one falls asleep, one will +soon wake again, and, afraid to stir, lie quaking under the +coverlet until dawn. And in the morning, one will arise as fresh +as a lark and look at the window, and see the fields overlaid +with hoarfrost, and fine icicles hanging from the naked branches, +and the pond covered over with ice as thin as paper, and a white +steam rising from the surface, and birds flying overhead with +cheerful cries. Next, as the sun rises, he throws his glittering +beams everywhere, and melts the thin, glassy ice until the whole +scene has come to look bright and clear and exhilarating; and as +the fire begins to crackle again in the stove, we sit down to the +tea-urn, while, chilled with the night cold, our black dog, +Polkan, will look in at us through the window, and wag his tail +with a cheerful air. Presently, a peasant will pass the window in +his cart bound for the forest to cut firewood, and the whole +party will feel merry and contented together. Abundant grain lies +stored in the byres, and great stacks of wheat are glowing +comfortably in the morning sunlight. Everyone is quiet and happy, +for God has blessed us with a bounteous harvest, and we know that +there will be abundance of food for the wintertide. Yes, the +peasant may rest assured that his family will not want for aught. +Song and dance will arise at night from the village girls, and on +festival days everyone will repair to God's house to thank Him +with grateful tears for what He has done . . . . Ah, a golden +time was my time of childhood! . . . + +Carried away by these memories, I could weep like a child. +Everything, everything comes back so clearly to my recollection! +The past stands out so vividly before me! Yet in the present +everything looks dim and dark! How will it all end?--how? Do you +know, I have a feeling, a sort of sure premonition, that I am +going to die this coming autumn; for I feel terribly, oh so +terribly ill! Often do I think of death, yet feel that I should +not like to die here and be laid to rest in the soil of St. +Petersburg. Once more I have had to take to my bed, as I did last +spring, for I have never really recovered. Indeed I feel so +depressed! Thedora has gone out for the day, and I am alone. For +a long while past I have been afraid to be left by myself, for I +keep fancying that there is someone else in the room, and that +that someone is speaking to me. Especially do I fancy this when +I have gone off into a reverie, and then suddenly awoken from it, +and am feeling bewildered. That is why I have made this letter +such a long one; for, when I am writing, the mood passes away. +Goodbye. I have neither time nor paper left for more, and must +close. Of the money which I saved to buy a new dress and hat, +there remains but a single rouble; but, I am glad that you have +been able to pay your landlady two roubles, for they will keep +her tongue quiet for a time. And you must repair your wardrobe. + +Goodbye once more. I am so tired! Nor can I think why I am +growing so weak--why it is that even the smallest task now +wearies me? Even if work should come my way, how am I to do it? +That is what worries me above all things. + +B. D. + + + + September 5th. + +MY BELOVED BARBARA,--Today I have undergone a variety of +experiences. In the first place, my head has been aching, and +towards evening I went out to get a breath of fresh air along the +Fontanka Canal. The weather was dull and damp, and even by six +o'clock, darkness had begun to set in. True, rain was not +actually falling, but only a mist like rain, while the sky was +streaked with masses of trailing cloud. Crowds of people were +hurrying along Naberezhnaia Street, with faces that looked +strange and dejected. There were drunken peasants; snub-nosed old +harridans in slippers; bareheaded artisans; cab drivers; every +species of beggar; boys; a locksmith's apprentice in a striped +smock, with lean, emaciated features which seemed to have been +washed in rancid oil; an ex-soldier who was offering penknives +and copper rings for sale; and so on, and so on. It was the hour +when one would expect to meet no other folk than these. And what +a quantity of boats there were on the canal. It made one wonder +how they could all find room there. On every bridge were old +women selling damp gingerbread or withered apples, and every +woman looked as damp and dirty as her wares. In short, the +Fontanka is a saddening spot for a walk, for there is wet granite +under one's feet, and tall, dingy buildings on either side of +one, and wet mist below and wet mist above. Yes, all was dark and +gloomy there this evening. + +By the time I had returned to Gorokhovaia Street darkness had +fallen and the lamps had been lit. However, I did not linger long +in that particular spot, for Gorokhovaia Street is too noisy a +place. But what sumptuous shops and stores it contains! +Everything sparkles and glitters, and the windows are full of +nothing but bright colours and materials and hats of different +shapes. One might think that they were decked merely for display; +but no,--people buy these things, and give them to their wives! +Yes, it IS a sumptuous place. Hordes of German hucksters are +there, as well as quite respectable traders. And the quantities +of carriages which pass along the street! One marvels that the +pavement can support so many splendid vehicles, with windows like +crystal, linings made of silk and velvet, and lacqueys dressed in +epaulets and wearing swords! Into some of them I glanced, and saw +that they contained ladies of various ages. Perhaps they were +princesses and countesses! Probably at that hour such folk would +be hastening to balls and other gatherings. In fact, it was +interesting to be able to look so closely at a princess or a +great lady. They were all very fine. At all events, I had never +before seen such persons as I beheld in those carriages. . . . + +Then I thought of you. Ah, my own, my darling, it is often that I +think of you and feel my heart sink. How is it that YOU are so +unfortunate, Barbara? How is it that YOU are so much worse off +than other people? In my eyes you are kind-hearted, beautiful, +and clever-- why, then, has such an evil fate fallen to your lot? +How comes it that you are left desolate--you, so good a human +being! While to others happiness comes without an invitation at +all? Yes, I know--I know it well--that I ought not to say it, for +to do so savours of free-thought; but why should that raven, +Fate, croak out upon the fortunes of one person while she is yet +in her mother's womb, while another person it permits to go forth +in happiness from the home which has reared her? To even an idiot +of an Ivanushka such happiness is sometimes granted. "You, you +fool Ivanushka," says Fate, "shall succeed to your grandfather's +money-bags, and eat, drink, and be merry; whereas YOU (such and +such another one) shall do no more than lick the dish, since that +is all that you are good for." Yes, I know that it is wrong to +hold such opinions, but involuntarily the sin of so doing grows +upon one's soul. Nevertheless, it is you, my darling, who ought +to be riding in one of those carriages. Generals would have come +seeking your favour, and, instead of being clad in a humble +cotton dress, you would have been walking in silken and golden +attire. Then you would not have been thin and wan as now, but +fresh and plump and rosy-cheeked as a figure on a sugar-cake. +Then should I too have been happy--happy if only I could look at +your lighted windows from the street, and watch your shadow-- +happy if only I could think that you were well and happy, my +sweet little bird! Yet how are things in reality? Not only have +evil folk brought you to ruin, but there comes also an old rascal +of a libertine to insult you! Just because he struts about in a +frockcoat, and can ogle you through a gold-mounted lorgnette, the +brute thinks that everything will fall into his hands--that you +are bound to listen to his insulting condescension! Out upon him! +But why is this? It is because you are an orphan, it is because +you are unprotected, it is because you have no powerful friend to +afford you the decent support which is your due. WHAT do such +facts matter to a man or to men to whom the insulting of an +orphan is an offence allowed? Such fellows are not men at all, +but mere vermin, no matter what they think themselves to be. Of +that I am certain. Why, an organ-grinder whom I met in +Gorokhovaia Street would inspire more respect than they do, for +at least he walks about all day, and suffers hunger--at least he +looks for a stray, superfluous groat to earn him subsistence, and +is, therefore, a true gentleman, in that he supports himself. To +beg alms he would be ashamed; and, moreover, he works for the +benefit of mankind just as does a factory machine. "So far as in +me lies," says he, "I will give you pleasure." True, he is a +pauper, and nothing but a pauper; but, at least he is an +HONOURABLE pauper. Though tired and hungry, he still goes on +working--working in his own peculiar fashion, yet still doing +honest labour. Yes, many a decent fellow whose labour may be +disproportionate to its utility pulls the forelock to no one, and +begs his bread of no one. I myself resemble that organ-grinder. +That is to say, though not exactly he, I resemble him in this +respect, that I work according to my capabilities, and so far as +in me lies. More could be asked of no one; nor ought I to be +adjudged to do more. + +Apropos of the organ-grinder, I may tell you, dearest, that today +I experienced a double misfortune. As I was looking at the +grinder, certain thoughts entered my head and I stood wrapped in +a reverie. Some cabmen also had halted at the spot, as well as a +young girl, with a yet smaller girl who was dressed in rags and +tatters. These people had halted there to listen to the organ- +grinder, who was playing in front of some one's windows. Next, I +caught sight of a little urchin of about ten--a boy who would +have been good-looking but for the fact that his face was pinched +and sickly. Almost barefooted, and clad only in a shirt, he was +standing agape to listen to the music--a pitiful childish figure. +Nearer to the grinder a few more urchins were dancing, but in the +case of this lad his hands and feet looked numbed, and he kept +biting the end of his sleeve and shivering. Also, I noticed that +in his hands he had a paper of some sort. Presently a gentleman +came by, and tossed the grinder a small coin, which fell straight +into a box adorned with a representation of a Frenchman and some +ladies. The instant he heard the rattle of the coin, the boy +started, looked timidly round, and evidently made up his mind +that I had thrown the money; whereupon, he ran to me with his +little hands all shaking, and said in a tremulous voice as he +proffered me his paper: "Pl-please sign this." I turned over the +paper, and saw that there was written on it what is usual under +such circumstances. "Kind friends I am a sick mother with three +hungry children. Pray help me. Though soon I shall be dead, yet, +if you will not forget my little ones in this world, neither will +I forget you in the world that is to come." The thing seemed +clear enough; it was a matter of life and death. Yet what was I +to give the lad? Well, I gave him nothing. But my heart ached for +him. I am certain that, shivering with cold though he was, and +perhaps hungry, the poor lad was not lying. No, no, he was not +lying. + +The shameful point is that so many mothers take no care of their +children, but send them out, half-clad, into the cold. Perhaps +this lad's mother also was a feckless old woman, and devoid of +character? Or perhaps she had no one to work for her, but was +forced to sit with her legs crossed--a veritable invalid? Or +perhaps she was just an old rogue who was in the habit of sending +out pinched and hungry boys to deceive the public? What would +such a boy learn from begging letters? His heart would soon be +rendered callous, for, as he ran about begging, people would pass +him by and give him nothing. Yes, their hearts would be as stone, +and their replies rough and harsh. "Away with you!" they would +say. "You are seeking but to trick us." He would hear that from +every one, and his heart would grow hard, and he would shiver in +vain with the cold, like some poor little fledgling that has +fallen out of the nest. His hands and feet would be freezing, and +his breath coming with difficulty; until, look you, he would +begin to cough, and disease, like an unclean parasite, would worm +its way into his breast until death itself had overtaken him-- +overtaken him in some foetid corner whence there was no chance of +escape. Yes, that is what his life would become. + +There are many such cases. Ah, Barbara, it is hard to hear "For +Christ's sake!" and yet pass the suppliant by and give nothing, +or say merely: "May the Lord give unto you!" Of course, SOME +supplications mean nothing (for supplications differ greatly in +character). Occasionally supplications are long, drawn-out and +drawling, stereotyped and mechanical--they are purely begging +supplications. Requests of this kind it is less hard to refuse, +for they are purely professional and of long standing. "The +beggar is overdoing it," one thinks to oneself. "He knows the +trick too well." But there are other supplications which voice a +strange, hoarse, unaccustomed note, like that today when I took +the poor boy's paper. He had been standing by the kerbstone +without speaking to anybody-- save that at last to myself he +said, "For the love of Christ give me a groat!" in a voice so +hoarse and broken that I started, and felt a queer sensation in +my heart, although I did not give him a groat. Indeed, I had not +a groat on me. Rich folk dislike hearing poor people complain of +their poverty. "They disturb us," they say, "and are impertinent +as well. Why should poverty be so impertinent? Why should its +hungry moans prevent us from sleeping?" + +To tell you the truth, my darling, I have written the foregoing +not merely to relieve my feelings, but, also, still more, to give +you an example of the excellent style in which I can write. You +yourself will recognise that my style was formed long ago, but of +late such fits of despondency have seized upon me that my style +has begun to correspond to my feelings; and though I know that +such correspondence gains one little, it at least renders one a +certain justice. For not unfrequently it happens that, for some +reason or another, one feels abased, and inclined to value +oneself at nothing, and to account oneself lower than a +dishclout; but this merely arises from the fact that at the time +one is feeling harassed and depressed, like the poor boy who +today asked of me alms. Let me tell you an allegory, dearest, and +do you hearken to it. Often, as I hasten to the office in the +morning, I look around me at the city--I watch it awaking, +getting out of bed, lighting its fires, cooking its breakfast, +and becoming vocal; and at the sight, I begin to feel smaller, as +though some one had dealt me a rap on my inquisitive nose. Yes, +at such times I slink along with a sense of utter humiliation in +my heart. For one would have but to see what is passing within +those great, black, grimy houses of the capital, and to penetrate +within their walls, for one at once to realise what good reason +there is for self-depredation and heart-searching. Of course, you +will note that I am speaking figuratively rather than literally. + +Let us look at what is passing within those houses. In some dingy +corner, perhaps, in some damp kennel which is supposed to be a +room, an artisan has just awakened from sleep. All night he has +dreamt--IF such an insignificant fellow is capable of dreaming?-- +about the shoes which last night he mechanically cut out. He is a +master-shoemaker, you see, and therefore able to think of nothing +but his one subject of interest. Nearby are some squalling +children and a hungry wife. Nor is he the only man that has to +greet the day in this fashion. Indeed, the incident would be +nothing--it would not be worth writing about, save for another +circumstance. In that same house ANOTHER person--a person of +great wealth-may also have been dreaming of shoes; but, of shoes +of a very different pattern and fashion (in a manner of speaking, +if you understand my metaphor, we are all of us shoemakers). +This, again, would be nothing, were it not that the rich person +has no one to whisper in his ear: "Why dost thou think of such +things? Why dost thou think of thyself alone, and live only for +thyself--thou who art not a shoemaker? THY children are not +ailing. THY wife is not hungry. Look around thee. Can'st thou not +find a subject more fitting for thy thoughts than thy shoes?" +That is what I want to say to you in allegorical language, +Barbara. Maybe it savours a little of free-thought, dearest; but, +such ideas WILL keep arising in my mind and finding utterance in +impetuous speech. Why, therefore, should one not value oneself at +a groat as one listens in fear and trembling to the roar and +turmoil of the city? Maybe you think that I am exaggerating +things--that this is a mere whim of mine, or that I am quoting +from a book? No, no, Barbara. You may rest assured that it is not +so. Exaggeration I abhor, with whims I have nothing to do, and of +quotation I am guiltless. + +I arrived home today in a melancholy mood. Sitting down to the +table, I had warmed myself some tea, and was about to drink a +second glass of it, when there entered Gorshkov, the poor lodger. +Already, this morning, I had noticed that he was hovering around +the other lodgers, and also seeming to want to speak to myself. +In passing I may say that his circumstances are infinitely worse +than my own; for, only think of it, he has a wife and children! +Indeed, if I were he, I do not know what I should do. Well, he +entered my room, and bowed to me with the pus standing, as usual, +in drops on his eyelashes, his feet shuffling about, and his +tongue unable, at first, to articulate a word. I motioned him to +a chair (it was a dilapidated enough one, but I had no other), +and asked him to have a glass of tea. To this he demurred--for +quite a long time he demurred, but at length he accepted the +offer. Next, he was for drinking the tea without sugar, and +renewed his excuses, but upon the sugar I insisted. After long +resistance and many refusals, he DID consent to take some, but +only the smallest possible lump; after which, he assured me that +his tea was perfectly sweet. To what depths of humility can +poverty reduce a man! "Well, what is it, my good sir?" I inquired +of him; whereupon he replied: "It is this, Makar Alexievitch. You +have once before been my benefactor. Pray again show me the +charity of God, and assist my unfortunate family. My wife and +children have nothing to eat. To think that a father should have +to say this!" I was about to speak again when he interrupted me. +"You see," he continued, "I am afraid of the other lodgers here. +That is to say, I am not so much afraid of, as ashamed to address +them, for they are a proud, conceited lot of men. Nor would I +have troubled even you, my friend and former benefactor, were it +not that I know that you yourself have experienced misfortune and +are in debt; wherefore, I have ventured to come and make this +request of you, in that I know you not only to be kind-hearted, +but also to be in need, and for that reason the more likely to +sympathise with me in my distress." To this he added an apology +for his awkwardness and presumption. I replied that, glad though +I should have been to serve him, I had nothing, absolutely +nothing, at my disposal. "Ah, Makar Alexievitch," he went on, +"surely it is not much that I am asking of you? My-my wife and +children are starving. C-could you not afford me just a +grivennik?" At that my heart contracted, "How these people put +me to shame!" thought I. But I had only twenty kopecks left, and +upon them I had been counting for meeting my most pressing +requirements. "No, good sir, I cannot," said I. "Well, what you +will," he persisted. "Perhaps ten kopecks?" Well I got out my +cash-box, and gave him the twenty. It was a good deed. To think +that such poverty should exist! Then I had some further talk with +him. "How is it," I asked him, "that, though you are in such +straits, you have hired a room at five roubles?" He replied that +though, when he engaged the room six months ago, he paid three +months' rent in advance, his affairs had subsequently turned out +badly, and never righted themselves since. You see, Barbara, he +was sued at law by a merchant who had defrauded the Treasury in +the matter of a contract. When the fraud was discovered the +merchant was prosecuted, but the transactions in which he had +engaged involved Gorshkov, although the latter had been guilty +only of negligence, want of prudence, and culpable indifference +to the Treasury's interests. True, the affair had taken place +some years ago, but various obstacles had since combined to +thwart Gorshkov. "Of the disgrace put upon me," said he to me, "I +am innocent. True, I to a certain extent disobeyed orders, but +never did I commit theft or embezzlement." Nevertheless the +affair lost him his character. He was dismissed the service, and +though not adjudged capitally guilty, has been unable since to +recover from the merchant a large sum of money which is his by +right, as spared to him (Gorshkov) by the legal tribunal. True, +the tribunal in question did not altogether believe in Gorshkov, +but I do so. The matter is of a nature so complex and crooked +that probably a hundred years would be insufficient to unravel +it; and, though it has now to a certain extent been cleared up, +the merchant still holds the key to the situation. Personally I +side with Gorshkov, and am very sorry for him. Though lacking a +post of any kind, he still refuses to despair, though his +resources are completely exhausted. Yes, it is a tangled affair, +and meanwhile he must live, for, unfortunately, another child +which has been born to him has entailed upon the family fresh +expenses. Also, another of his children recently fell ill and +died-- which meant yet further expense. Lastly, not only is his +wife in bad health, but he himself is suffering from a complaint +of long standing. In short, he has had a very great deal to +undergo. Yet he declares that daily he expects a favourable issue +to his affair--that he has no doubt of it whatever. I am terribly +sorry for him, and said what I could to give him comfort, for he +is a man who has been much bullied and misled. He had come to me +for protection from his troubles, so I did my best to soothe him. +Now, goodbye, my darling. May Christ watch over you and preserve +your health. Dearest one, even to think of you is like medicine +to my ailing soul. Though I suffer for you, I at least suffer +gladly.--Your true friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +September 9th. + +MY DEAREST BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I am beside myself as I take up my +pen, for a most terrible thing has happened. My head is whirling +round. Ah, beloved, how am I to tell you about it all? I had +never foreseen what has happened. But no-- I cannot say that I +had NEVER foreseen it, for my mind DID get an inkling of what was +coming, through my seeing something very similar to it in a +dream. + +I will tell you the whole story--simply, and as God may put it +into my heart. Today I went to the office as usual, and, upon +arrival, sat down to write. You must know that I had been engaged +on the same sort of work yesterday, and that, while executing it, +I had been approached by Timothei Ivanovitch with an urgent +request for a particular document. "Makar Alexievitch," he had +said, "pray copy this out for me. Copy it as quickly and as +carefully as you can, for it will require to be signed today." +Also let me tell you, dearest, that yesterday I had not been +feeling myself, nor able to look at anything. I had been troubled +with grave depression--my breast had felt chilled, and my head +clouded. All the while I had been thinking of you, my darling. +Well, I set to work upon the copying, and executed it cleanly and +well, except for the fact that, whether the devil confused my +mind, or a mysterious fate so ordained, or the occurrence was +simply bound to happen, I left out a whole line of the document, +and thus made nonsense of it! The work had been given me too late +for signature last night, so it went before his Excellency this +morning. I reached the office at my usual hour, and sat down +beside Emelia Ivanovitch. Here I may remark that for a long time +past I have been feeling twice as shy and diffident as I used to +do; I have been finding it impossible to look people in the face. +Let only a chair creak, and I become more dead than alive. Today, +therefore, I crept humbly to my seat and sat down in such a +crouching posture that Efim Akimovitch (the most touchy man in +the world) said to me sotto voce: "What on earth makes you sit +like that, Makar Alexievitch?" Then he pulled such a grimace that +everyone near us rocked with laughter at my expense. I stopped my +ears, frowned, and sat without moving, for I found this the best +method of putting a stop to such merriment. All at once I heard a +bustle and a commotion and the sound of someone running towards +us. Did my ears deceive me? It was I who was being summoned in +peremptory tones! My heart started to tremble within me, though I +could not say why. I only know that never in my life before had +it trembled as it did then. Still I clung to my chair- -and at +that moment was hardly myself at all. The voices were coming +nearer and nearer, until they were shouting in my ear: +"Dievushkin! Dievushkin! Where is Dievushkin?" Then at length I +raised my eyes, and saw before me Evstafi Ivanovitch. He said to +me: "Makar Alexievitch, go at once to his Excellency. You have +made a mistake in a document." That was all, but it was enough, +was it not? I felt dead and cold as ice--I felt absolutely +deprived of the power of sensation; but, I rose from my seat and +went whither I had been bidden. Through one room, through two +rooms, through three rooms I passed, until I was conducted into +his Excellency's cabinet itself. Of my thoughts at that moment I +can give no exact account. I merely saw his Excellency standing +before me, with a knot of people around him. I have an idea that +I did not salute him--that I forgot to do so. Indeed, so panic- +stricken was I, that my teeth were chattering and my knees +knocking together. In the first place, I was greatly ashamed of +my appearance (a glance into a mirror on the right had frightened +me with the reflection of myself that it presented), and, in the +second place, I had always been accustomed to comport myself as +though no such person as I existed. Probably his Excellency had +never before known that I was even alive. Of course, he might +have heard, in passing, that there was a man named Dievushkin in +his department; but never for a moment had he had any intercourse +with me. + +He began angrily: "What is this you have done, sir? Why are you +not more careful? The document was wanted in a hurry, and you +have gone and spoiled it. What do you think of it?"--the last +being addressed to Evstafi Ivanovitch. More I did not hear, +except for some flying exclamations of "What negligence and +carelessness! How awkward this is!" and so on. I opened my mouth +to say something or other; I tried to beg pardon, but could not. +To attempt to leave the room, I had not the hardihood. Then there +happened something the recollection of which causes the pen to +tremble in my hand with shame. A button of mine--the devil take +it!--a button of mine that was hanging by a single thread +suddenly broke off, and hopped and skipped and rattled and rolled +until it had reached the feet of his Excellency himself--this +amid a profound general silence! THAT was what came of my +intended self-justification and plea for mercy! THAT was the only +answer that I had to return to my chief! + +The sequel I shudder to relate. At once his Excellency's +attention became drawn to my figure and costume. I remembered +what I had seen in the mirror, and hastened to pursue the button. +Obstinacy of a sort seized upon me, and I did my best to arrest +the thing, but it slipped away, and kept turning over and over, +so that I could not grasp it, and made a sad spectacle of myself +with my awkwardness. Then there came over me a feeling that my +last remaining strength was about to leave me, and that all, all +was lost--reputation, manhood, everything! In both ears I seemed +to hear the voices of Theresa and Phaldoni. At length, however, I +grasped the button, and, raising and straightening myself, stood +humbly with clasped hands--looking a veritable fool! But no. +First of all I tried to attach the button to the ragged threads, +and smiled each time that it broke away from them, and smiled +again. In the beginning his Excellency had turned away, but now +he threw me another glance, and I heard him say to Evstafi +Ivanovitch: "What on earth is the matter with the fellow? Look at +the figure he cuts! Who to God is he? Ah, beloved, only to hear +that, "Who to God is he? Truly I had made myself a marked man! In +reply to his Excellency Evstafi murmured: "He is no one of any +note, though his character is good. Besides, his salary is +sufficient as the scale goes." "Very well, then; but help him out +of his difficulties somehow," said his Excellency. "Give him a +trifle of salary in advance." "It is all forestalled," was the +reply. "He drew it some time ago. But his record is good. There +is nothing against him." At this I felt as though I were in Hell +fire. I could actually have died! "Well, well," said his +Excellency, "let him copy out the document a second time. +Dievushkin, come here. You are to make another copy of this +paper, and to make it as quickly as possible." With that he +turned to some other officials present, issued to them a few +orders, and the company dispersed. No sooner had they done so +than his Excellency hurriedly pulled out a pocket-book, took +thence a note for a hundred roubles, and, with the words, "Take +this. It is as much as I can afford. Treat it as you like," +placed the money in my hand! At this, dearest, I started and +trembled, for I was moved to my very soul. What next I did I +hardly know, except that I know that I seized his Excellency by +the hand. But he only grew very red, and then--no, I am not +departing by a hair's-breadth from the truth--it is true-- that +he took this unworthy hand in his, and shook it! Yes, he took +this hand of mine in his, and shook it, as though I had been his +equal, as though I had been a general like himself! "Go now," he +said. "This is all that I can do for you. Make no further +mistakes, and I will overlook your fault." + +What I think about it is this: I beg of you and of Thedora, and +had I any children I should beg of them also, to pray ever to God +for his Excellency. I should say to my children: "For your father +you need not pray; but for his Excellency, I bid you pray until +your lives shall end." Yes, dear one--I tell you this in all +solemnity, so hearken well unto my words--that though, during +these cruel days of our adversity, I have nearly died of distress +of soul at the sight of you and your poverty, as well as at the +sight of myself and my abasement and helplessness, I yet care +less for the hundred roubles which his Excellency has given me +than for the fact that he was good enough to take the hand of a +wretched drunkard in his own and press it. By that act he +restored me to myself. By that act he revived my courage, he made +life forever sweet to me. . . . Yes, sure am I that, sinner +though I be before the Almighty, my prayers for the happiness and +prosperity of his Excellency will yet ascend to the Heavenly +Throne! . . . + +But, my darling, for the moment I am terribly agitated and +distraught. My heart is beating as though it would burst my +breast, and all my body seems weak. . . . I send you forty-five +roubles in notes. Another twenty I shall give to my landlady, and +the remaining thirty-five I shall keep--twenty for new clothes +and fifteen for actual living expenses. But these experiences of +the morning have shaken me to the core, and I must rest awhile. +It is quiet, very quiet, here. My breath is coming in jerks--deep +down in my breast I can hear it sobbing and trembling. . . . I +will come and see you soon, but at the moment my head is aching +with these various sensations. God sees all things, my darling, +my priceless treasure!--Your steadfast friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + + September 10th. + +MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--I am unspeakably rejoiced at your +good fortune, and fully appreciate the kindness of your superior. +Now, take a rest from your cares. Only do not AGAIN spend money +to no advantage. Live as quietly and as frugally as possible, and +from today begin always to set aside something, lest misfortune +again overtake you. Do not, for God's sake, worry yourself-- +Thedora and I will get on somehow. Why have you sent me so much +money? I really do not need it--what I had already would have +been quite sufficient. True, I shall soon be needing further +funds if I am to leave these lodgings, but Thedora is hoping +before long to receive repayment of an old debt. Of course, at +least TWENTY roubles will have to be set aside for indispensable +requirements, but the remainder shall be returned to you. Pray +take care of it, Makar Alexievitch. Now, goodbye. May your life +continue peacefully, and may you preserve your health and +spirits. I would have written to you at greater length had I not +felt so terribly weary. Yesterday I never left my bed. I am glad +that you have promised to come and see me. Yes, you MUST pay me a +visit. + +B. D. + + + +September 11th. + +MY DARLING BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I implore you not to leave me now +that I am once more happy and contented. Disregard what Thedora +says, and I will do anything in the world for you. I will behave +myself better, even if only out of respect for his Excellency, +and guard my every action. Once more we will exchange cheerful +letters with one another, and make mutual confidence of our +thoughts and joys and sorrows (if so be that we shall know any +more sorrows?). Yes, we will live twice as happily and +comfortably as of old. Also, we will exchange books. . . . Angel +of my heart, a great change has taken place in my fortunes--a +change very much for the better. My landlady has become more +accommodating; Theresa has recovered her senses; even Phaldoni +springs to do my bidding. Likewise, I have made my peace with +Rataziaev. He came to see me of his own accord, the moment that +he heard the glad tidings. There can be no doubt that he is a +good fellow, that there is no truth in the slanders that one +hears of him. For one thing, I have discovered that he never had +any intention of putting me and yourself into a book. This he +told me himself, and then read to me his latest work. As for his +calling me "Lovelace," he had intended no rudeness or indecency +thereby. The term is merely one of foreign derivation, meaning a +clever fellow, or, in more literary and elegant language, a +gentleman with whom one must reckon. That is all; it was a mere +harmless jest, my beloved. Only ignorance made me lose my temper, +and I have expressed to him my regret. . . . How beautiful is the +weather today, my little Barbara! True, there was a slight frost +in the early morning, as though scattered through a sieve, but it +was nothing, and the breeze soon freshened the air. I went out to +buy some shoes, and obtained a splendid pair. Then, after a +stroll along the Nevski Prospect, I read "The Daily Bee". This +reminds me that I have forgotten to tell you the most important +thing of all. It happened like this: + +This morning I had a talk with Emelia Ivanovitch and Aksenti +Michaelovitch concerning his Excellency. Apparently, I am not the +only person to whom he has acted kindly and been charitable, for +he is known to the whole world for his goodness of heart. In many +quarters his praises are to be heard; in many quarters he has +called forth tears of gratitude. Among other things, he undertook +the care of an orphaned girl, and married her to an official, the +son of a poor widow, and found this man place in a certain +chancellory, and in other ways benefited him. Well, dearest, I +considered it to be my duty to add my mite by publishing abroad +the story of his Excellency's gracious treatment of myself. +Accordingly, I related the whole occurrence to my interlocutors, +and concealed not a single detail. In fact, I put my pride into +my pocket--though why should I feel ashamed of having been elated +by such an occurrence? "Let it only be noised afield," said I to +myself, and it will resound greatly to his Excellency's credit.-- +So I expressed myself enthusiastically on the subject and never +faltered. On the contrary, I felt proud to have such a story to +tell. I referred to every one concerned (except to yourself, of +course, dearest)--to my landlady, to Phaldoni, to Rataziaev, to +Markov. I even mentioned the matter of my shoes! Some of those +standing by laughed--in fact every one present did so, but +probably it was my own figure or the incident of my shoes--more +particularly the latter--that excited merriment, for I am sure it +was not meant ill-naturedly. My hearers may have been young men, +or well off; certainly they cannot have been laughing with evil +intent at what I had said. Anything against his Excellency CANNOT +have been in their thoughts. Eh, Barbara? + +Even now I cannot wholly collect my faculties, so upset am I by +recent events. . . . Have you any fuel to go on with, Barbara? +You must not expose yourself to cold. Also, you have depressed my +spirits with your fears for the future. Daily I pray to God on +your behalf. Ah, HOW I pray to Him! . . . Likewise, have you any +woollen stockings to wear, and warm clothes generally? Mind you, +if there is anything you need, you must not hurt an old man's +feelings by failing to apply to him for what you require. The bad +times are gone now, and the future is looking bright and fair. + +But what bad times they were, Barbara, even though they be gone, +and can no longer matter! As the years pass on we shall gradually +recover ourselves. How clearly I remember my youth! In those days +I never had a kopeck to spare. Yet, cold and hungry though I was, +I was always light-hearted. In the morning I would walk the +Nevski Prospect, and meet nice-looking people, and be happy all +day. Yes, it was a glorious, a glorious time! It was good to be +alive, especially in St. Petersburg. Yet it is but yesterday that +I was beseeching God with tears to pardon me my sins during the +late sorrowful period--to pardon me my murmurings and evil +thoughts and gambling and drunkenness. And you I remembered in my +prayers, for you alone have encouraged and comforted me, you +alone have given me advice and instruction. I shall never forget +that, dearest. Today I gave each one of your letters a kiss. . . +. Goodbye, beloved. I have been told that there is going to be a +sale of clothing somewhere in this neighbourhood. Once more +goodbye, goodbye, my angel-Yours in heart and soul, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +September 15th. + +MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--I am in terrible distress. I feel +sure that something is about to happen. The matter, my beloved +friend, is that Monsieur Bwikov is again in St. Petersburg, for +Thedora has met him. He was driving along in a drozhki, but, on +meeting Thedora, he ordered the coachman to stop, sprang out, and +inquired of her where she was living; but this she would not tell +him. Next, he said with a smile that he knew quite well who was +living with her (evidently Anna Thedorovna had told him); +whereupon Thedora could hold out no longer, but then and there, +in the street, railed at and abused him--telling him that he was +an immoral man, and the cause of all my misfortunes. To this he +replied that a person who did not possess a groat must surely be +rather badly off; to which Thedora retorted that I could always +either live by the labour of my hands or marry--that it was not +so much a question of my losing posts as of my losing my +happiness, the ruin of which had led almost to my death. In reply +he observed that, though I was still quite young, I seemed to +have lost my wits, and that my "virtue appeared to be under a +cloud" (I quote his exact words). Both I and Thedora had thought +that he does not know where I live; but, last night, just as I +had left the house to make a few purchases in the Gostinni Dvor, +he appeared at our rooms (evidently he had not wanted to find me +at home), and put many questions to Thedora concerning our way of +living. Then, after inspecting my work, he wound up with: "Who is +this tchinovnik friend of yours?" At the moment you happened to +be passing through the courtyard, so Thedora pointed you out, and +the man peered at you, and laughed. Thedora next asked him to +depart--telling him that I was still ill from grief, and that it +would give me great pain to see him there; to which, after a +pause, he replied that he had come because he had had nothing +better to do. Also, he was for giving Thedora twenty-five +roubles, but, of course, she declined them. What does it all +mean? Why has he paid this visit? I cannot understand his getting +to know about me. I am lost in conjecture. Thedora, however, says +that Aksinia, her sister-in-law (who sometimes comes to see her), +is acquainted with a laundress named Nastasia, and that this +woman has a cousin in the position of watchman to a department of +which a certain friend of Anna Thedorovna's nephew forms one of +the staff. Can it be, therefore, that an intrigue has been +hatched through THIS channel? But Thedora may be entirely +mistaken. We hardly know what to think. What if he should come +again? The very thought terrifies me. When Thedora told me of +this last night such terror seized upon me that I almost swooned +away. What can the man be wanting? At all events, I refuse to +know such people. What have they to do with my wretched self? Ah, +how I am haunted with anxiety, for every moment I keep thinking +that Bwikov is at hand! WHAT will become of me? WHAT MORE has +fate in store for me? For Christ's sake come and see me, Makar +Alexievitch! For Christ's sake come and see me soon! + + + +September 18th. + +MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--Today there took place in this +house a most lamentable, a most mysterious, a most unlooked-for +occurrence. First of all, let me tell you that poor Gorshkov has +been entirely absolved of guilt. The decision has been long in +coming, but this morning he went to hear the final resolution +read. It was entirely in his favour. Any culpability which had +been imputed to him for negligence and irregularity was removed +by the resolution. Likewise, he was authorised to recover of the +merchant a large sum of money. Thus, he stands entirely +justified, and has had his character cleansed from all stain. In +short, he could not have wished for a more complete vindication. +When he arrived home at three o'clock he was looking as white as +a sheet, and his lips were quivering. Yet there was a smile on +his face as he embraced his wife and children. In a body the rest +of us ran to congratulate him, and he was greatly moved by the +act. Bowing to us, he pressed our hands in turn. As he did so I +thought, somehow, that he seemed to have grown taller and +straighter, and that the pus-drops seemed to have disappeared +from his eyelashes. Yet how agitated he was, poor fellow! He +could not rest quietly for two minutes together, but kept picking +up and then dropping whatsoever came to his hand, and bowing and +smiling without intermission, and sitting down and getting up, +and again sitting down, and chattering God only knows what about +his honour and his good name and his little ones. How he did +talk--yes, and weep too! Indeed, few of ourselves could refrain +from tears; although Rataziaev remarked (probably to encourage +Gorshkov) that honour mattered nothing when one had nothing to +eat, and that money was the chief thing in the world, and that +for it alone ought God to be thanked. Then he slapped Gorshkov on +the shoulder, but I thought that Gorshkov somehow seemed hurt at +this. He did not express any open displeasure, but threw +Rataziaev a curious look, and removed his hand from his shoulder. +ONCE upon a time he would not have acted thus; but characters +differ. For example, I myself should have hesitated, at such a +season of rejoicing, to seem proud, even though excessive +deference and civility at such a moment might have been construed +as a lapse both of moral courage and of mental vigour. However, +this is none of my business. All that Gorshkov said was: "Yes, +money IS a good thing, glory be to God!" In fact, the whole time +that we remained in his room he kept repeating to himself: "Glory +be to God, glory be to God!" His wife ordered a richer and more +delicate meal than usual, and the landlady herself cooked it, for +at heart she is not a bad woman. But until the meal was served +Gorshkov could not remain still. He kept entering everyone's room +in turn (whether invited thither or not), and, seating himself +smilingly upon a chair, would sometimes say something, and +sometimes not utter a word, but get up and go out again. In the +naval officer's room he even took a pack of playing-cards into +his hand, and was thereupon invited to make a fourth in a game; +but after losing a few times, as well as making several blunders +in his play, he abandoned the pursuit. "No," said he, "that is +the sort of man that I am--that is all that I am good for," and +departed. Next, encountering myself in the corridor, he took my +hands in his, and gazed into my face with a rather curious air. +Then he pressed my hands again, and moved away still smiling, +smiling, but in an odd, weary sort of manner, much as a corpse +might smile. Meanwhile his wife was weeping for joy, and +everything in their room was decked in holiday guise. Presently +dinner was served, and after they had dined Gorshkov said to his +wife: "See now, dearest, I am going to rest a little while;" and +with that went to bed. Presently he called his little daughter to +his side, and, laying his hand upon the child's head, lay a long +while looking at her. Then he turned to his wife again, and asked +her: "What of Petinka? Where is our Petinka?" whereupon his wife +crossed herself, and replied: "Why, our Petinka is dead!" "Yes, +yes, I know--of course," said her husband. "Petinka is now in the +Kingdom of Heaven." This showed his wife that her husband was not +quite in his right senses--that the recent occurrence had upset +him; so she said: "My dearest, you must sleep awhile." "I will do +so," he replied, "--at once--I am rather--" And he turned over, +and lay silent for a time. Then again he turned round and tried +to say something, but his wife could not hear what it was. "What +do you say?" she inquired, but he made no reply. Then again she +waited a few moments until she thought to herself, "He has gone +to sleep," and departed to spend an hour with the landlady. At +the end of that hour she returned-- only to find that her husband +had not yet awoken, but was still lying motionless. "He is +sleeping very soundly," she reflected as she sat down and began +to work at something or other. Since then she has told us that +when half an hour or so had elapsed she fell into a reverie. +What she was thinking of she cannot remember, save that she had +forgotten altogether about her husband. Then she awoke with a +curious sort of sensation at her heart. The first thing that +struck her was the deathlike stillness of the room. Glancing at +the bed, she perceived her husband to be lying in the same +position as before. Thereupon she approached him, turned the +coverlet back, and saw that he was stiff and cold-- that he had +died suddenly, as though smitten with a stroke. But of what +precisely he died God only knows. The affair has so terribly +impressed me that even now I cannot fully collect my thoughts. It +would scarcely be believed that a human being could die so +simply--and he such a poor, needy wretch, this Gorshkov! What a +fate, what a fate, to be sure! His wife is plunged in tears and +panic-stricken, while his little daughter has run away somewhere +to hide herself. In their room, however, all is bustle and +confusion, for the doctors are about to make an autopsy on the +corpse. But I cannot tell you things for certain; I only know +that I am most grieved, most grieved. How sad to think that one +never knows what even a day, what even an hour, may bring forth! +One seems to die to so little purpose! .-Your own + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +September 19th. + +MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I hasten to let you know that +Rataziaev has found me some work to do for a certain writer--the +latter having submitted to him a large manuscript. Glory be to +God, for this means a large amount of work to do. Yet, though the +copy is wanted in haste, the original is so carelessly written +that I hardly know how to set about my task. Indeed, certain +parts of the manuscript are almost undecipherable. I have agreed +to do the work for forty kopecks a sheet. You see therefore (and +this is my true reason for writing to you), that we shall soon be +receiving money from an extraneous source. Goodbye now, as I must +begin upon my labours.--Your sincere friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +September 23rd. + +MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--I have not written to you these +three days past for the reason that I have been so worried and +alarmed. + +Three days ago Bwikov came again to see me. At the time I was +alone, for Thedora had gone out somewhere. As soon as I opened +the door the sight of him so terrified me that I stood rooted to +the spot, and could feel myself turning pale. Entering with his +usual loud laugh, he took a chair, and sat down. For a long while +I could not collect my thoughts; I just sat where I was, and went +on with my work. Soon his smile faded, for my appearance seemed +somehow to have struck him. You see, of late I have grown thin, +and my eyes and cheeks have fallen in, and my face has become as +white as a sheet; so that anyone who knew me a year ago would +scarcely recognise me now. After a prolonged inspection, Bwikov +seemed to recover his spirits, for he said something to which I +duly replied. Then again he laughed. Thus he sat for a whole +hour- -talking to me the while, and asking me questions about one +thing and another. At length, just before he rose to depart, he +took me by the hand, and said (to quote his exact words): +"Between ourselves, Barbara Alexievna, that kinswoman of yours +and my good friend and acquaintance--I refer to Anna Thedorovna - +is a very bad woman " (he also added a grosser term of +opprobrium). "First of all she led your cousin astray, and then +she ruined yourself. I also have behaved like a villain, but such +is the way of the world." Again he laughed. Next, having remarked +that, though not a master of eloquence, he had always considered +that obligations of gentility obliged him to have with me a clear +and outspoken explanation, he went on to say that he sought my +hand in marriage; that he looked upon it as a duty to restore to +me my honour; that he could offer me riches; that, after +marriage, he would take me to his country seat in the Steppes, +where we would hunt hares; that he intended never to visit St. +Petersburg again, since everything there was horrible, and he had +to entertain a worthless nephew whom he had sworn to disinherit +in favour of a legal heir; and, finally, that it was to obtain +such a legal heir that he was seeking my hand in marriage. +Lastly, he remarked that I seemed to be living in very poor +circumstances (which was not surprising, said he, in view of the +kennel that I inhabited); that I should die if I remained a month +longer in that den; that all lodgings in St. Petersburg were +detestable; and that he would be glad to know if I was in want of +anything. + +So thunderstruck was I with the proposal that I could only burst +into tears. These tears he interpreted as a sign of gratitude, +for he told me that he had always felt assured of my good sense, +cleverness, and sensibility, but that hitherto he had hesitated +to take this step until he should have learned precisely how I +was getting on. Next he asked me some questions about YOU; saying +that he had heard of you as a man of good principle, and that +since he was unwilling to remain your debtor, would a sum of five +hundred roubles repay you for all you had done for me? To this I +replied that your services to myself had been such as could never +be requited with money; whereupon, he exclaimed that I was +talking rubbish and nonsense; that evidently I was still young +enough to read poetry; that romances of this kind were the +undoing of young girls, that books only corrupted morality, and +that, for his part, he could not abide them. "You ought to live +as long as I have done," he added, "and THEN you will see what +men can be." + +With that he requested me to give his proposal my favourable +consideration--saying that he would not like me to take such an +important step unguardedly, since want of thought and impetuosity +often spelt ruin to youthful inexperience, but that he hoped to +receive an answer in the affirmative. "Otherwise," said he, "I +shall have no choice but to marry a certain merchant's daughter +in Moscow, in order that I may keep my vow to deprive my nephew +of the inheritance.--Then he pressed five hundred roubles into my +hand--to buy myself some bonbons, as he phrased it--and wound up +by saying that in the country I should grow as fat as a doughnut +or a cheese rolled in butter; that at the present moment he was +extremely busy; and that, deeply engaged in business though he +had been all day, he had snatched the present opportunity of +paying me a visit. At length he departed. + +For a long time I sat plunged in reflection. Great though my +distress of mind was, I soon arrived at a decision.... My friend, +I am going to marry this man; I have no choice but to accept his +proposal. If anyone could save me from this squalor, and restore +to me my good name, and avert from me future poverty and want and +misfortune, he is the man to do it. What else have I to look for +from the future? What more am I to ask of fate? Thedora declares +that one need NEVER lose one's happiness; but what, I ask HER, +can be called happiness under such circumstances as mine? At all +events I see no other road open, dear friend. I see nothing else +to be done. I have worked until I have ruined my health. I cannot +go on working forever. Shall I go out into the world? Nay; I am +worn to a shadow with grief, and become good for nothing. Sickly +by nature, I should merely be a burden upon other folks. Of +course this marriage will not bring me paradise, but what else +does there remain, my friend--what else does there remain? What +other choice is left? + +I had not asked your advice earlier for the reason that I wanted +to think the matter over alone. However, the decision which you +have just read is unalterable, and I am about to announce it to +Bwikov himself, who in any case has pressed me for a speedy +reply, owing to the fact (so he says) that his business will not +wait nor allow him to remain here longer, and that therefore, no +trifle must be allowed to stand in its way. God alone knows +whether I shall be happy, but my fate is in His holy, His +inscrutable hand, and I have so decided. Bwikov is said to be +kind-hearted. He will at least respect me, and perhaps I shall be +able to return that respect. What more could be looked for from +such a marriage? + +I have now told you all, Makar Alexievitch, and feel sure that +you will understand my despondency. Do not, however, try to +divert me from my intention, for all your efforts will be in +vain. Think for a moment; weigh in your heart for a moment all +that has led me to take this step. At first my anguish was +extreme, but now I am quieter. What awaits me I know not. What +must be must be, and as God may send.... + +Bwikov has just arrived, so I am leaving this letter unfinished. +Otherwise I had much else to say to you. Bwikov is even now at +the door! ... + + + +September 23rd. + +MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I hasten to reply to you--I hasten +to express to you my extreme astonishment. . . . In passing, I +may mention that yesterday we buried poor Gorshkov. . . . + +Yes, Bwikov has acted nobly, and you have no choice but to accept +him. All things are in God's hands. This is so, and must always +be so; and the purposes of the Divine Creator are at once good +and inscrutable, as also is Fate, which is one with Him. . . . + +Thedora will share your happiness--for, of course, you will be +happy, and free from want, darling, dearest, sweetest of angels! +But why should the matter be so hurried? Oh, of course--Monsieur +Bwikov's business affairs. Only a man who has no affairs to see +to can afford to disregard such things. I got a glimpse of +Monsieur Bwikov as he was leaving your door. He is a fine-looking +man--a very fine-looking man; though that is not the point that I +should most have noticed had I been quite myself at the time. . . + +In the future shall we be able to write letters to one another? I +keep wondering and wondering what has led you to say all that you +have said. To think that just when twenty pages of my copying are +completed THIS has happened! . . . I suppose you will be able to +make many purchases now--to buy shoes and dresses and all sorts +of things? Do you remember the shops in Gorokhovaia Street of +which I used to speak? . . . + +But no. You ought not to go out at present--you simply ought not +to, and shall not. Presently, you will he able to buy many, many +things, and to, keep a carriage. Also, at present the weather is +bad. Rain is descending in pailfuls, and it is such a soaking +kind of rain that--that you might catch cold from it, my darling, +and the chill might go to your heart. Why should your fear of +this man lead you to take such risks when all the time I am here +to do your bidding? So Thedora declares great happiness to be +awaiting you, does she? She is a gossiping old woman, and +evidently desires to ruin you. + +Shall you be at the all-night Mass this evening, dearest? I +should like to come and see you there. Yes, Bwikov spoke but the +truth when he said that you are a woman of virtue, wit, and good +feeling. Yet I think he would do far better to marry the +merchant's daughter. What think YOU about it? Yes, 'twould be far +better for him. As soon as it grows dark tonight I mean to come +and sit with you for an hour. Tonight twilight will close in +early, so I shall soon be with you. Yes, come what may, I mean to +see you for an hour. At present, I suppose, you are expecting +Bwikov, but I will come as soon as he has gone. So stay at home +until I have arrived, dearest. + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +September 27th. + +DEAR MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH, -Bwikov has just informed me that I must +have at least three dozen linen blouses; so I must go at once and +look for sempstresses to make two out of the three dozen, since +time presses. Indeed, Monsieur Bwikov is quite angry about the +fuss which these fripperies are entailing, seeing that there +remain but five days before the wedding, and we are to depart on +the following day. He keeps rushing about and declaring that no +time ought to be wasted on trifles. I am terribly worried, and +scarcely able to stand on my feet. There is so much to do, and, +perhaps, so much that were better left undone! Moreover, I have +no blond or other lace; so THERE is another item to be purchased, +since Bwikov declares that he cannot have his bride look like a +cook, but, on the contrary, she must "put the noses of the great +ladies out of joint." That is his expression. I wish, therefore, +that you would go to Madame Chiffon's, in Gorokhovaia Street, and +ask her, in the first place, to send me some sempstresses, and, +in the second place, to give herself the trouble of coming in +person, as I am too ill to go out. Our new flat is very cold, and +still in great disorder. Also, Bwikov has an aunt who is at her +last gasp through old age, and may die before our departure. He +himself, however, declares this to be nothing, and says that she +will soon recover. He is not yet living with me, and I have to go +running hither and thither to find him. Only Thedora is acting as +my servant, together with Bwikov's valet, who oversees +everything, but has been absent for the past three days. + +Each morning Bwikov goes to business, and loses his temper. +Yesterday he even had some trouble with the police because of his +thrashing the steward of these buildings. . . I have no one to +send with this letter so I am going to post it. . . Ah! I had +almost forgotten the most important point--which is that I should +like you to go and tell Madame Chiffon that I wish the blond lace +to be changed in conformity with yesterday's patterns, if she +will be good enough to bring with her a new assortment. Also say +that I have altered my mind about the satin, which I wish to be +tamboured with crochet-work; also, that tambour is to be used +with monograms on the various garments. Do you hear? Tambour, not +smooth work. Do not forget that it is to be tambour. Another +thing I had almost forgotten, which is that the lappets of the +fur cloak must be raised, and the collar bound with lace. Please +tell her these things, Makar Alexievitch.--Your friend, + +B. D. + +P.S.--I am so ashamed to trouble you with my commissions! This is +the third morning that you will have spent in running about for +my sake. But what else am I to do? The whole place is in +disorder, and I myself am ill. Do not be vexed with me, Makar +Alexievitch. I am feeling so depressed! What is going to become +of me, dear friend, dear, kind, old Makar Alexievitch? I dread to +look forward into the future. Somehow I feel apprehensive; I am +living, as it were, in a mist. Yet, for God's sake, forget none +of my commissions. I am so afraid lest you should make a mistake! +Remember that everything is to be tambour work, not smooth. + + + +September 27th. + +MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--I have carefully fulfilled your +commissions. Madame Chiffon informs me that she herself had +thought of using tambour work as being more suitable (though I +did not quite take in all she said). Also, she has informed me +that, since you have given certain directions in writing, she has +followed them (though again I do not clearly remember all that +she said--I only remember that she said a very great deal, for +she is a most tiresome old woman). These observations she will +soon be repeating to you in person. For myself, I feel absolutely +exhausted, and have not been to the office today. . . + +Do not despair about the future, dearest. To save you trouble I +would visit every shop in St. Petersburg. You write that you dare +not look forward into the future. But by tonight, at seven +o'clock, you will have learned all, for Madame Chiffon will have +arrived in person to see you. Hope on, and everything will order +itself for the best. Of course, I am referring only to these +accursed gewgaws, to these frills and fripperies! Ah me, ah me, +how glad I shall be to see you, my angel! Yes, how glad I shall +be! Twice already today I have passed the gates of your abode. +Unfortunately, this Bwikov is a man of such choler that--Well, +things are as they are. + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +September 28th. + +MY DEAREST MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--For God's sake go to the +jeweller's, and tell him that, after all, he need not make the +pearl and emerald earrings. Monsieur Bwikov says that they will +cost him too much, that they will burn a veritable hole in his +pocket. In fact, he has lost his temper again, and declares that +he is being robbed. Yesterday he added that, had he but known, +but foreseen, these expenses, he would never have married. Also, +he says that, as things are, he intends only to have a plain +wedding, and then to depart. "You must not look for any dancing +or festivity or entertainment of guests, for our gala times are +still in the air." Such were his words. God knows I do not want +such things, but none the less Bwikov has forbidden them. I made +him no answer on the subject, for he is a man all too easily +irritated. What, what is going to become of me? + +B. D. + + + +September 28th. + +MY BELOVED BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--All is well as regards the +jeweller. Unfortunately, I have also to say that I myself have +fallen ill, and cannot rise from bed. Just when so many things +need to be done, I have gone and caught a chill, the devil take +it! Also I have to tell you that, to complete my misfortunes, his +Excellency has been pleased to become stricter. Today he railed +at and scolded Emelia Ivanovitch until the poor fellow was quite +put about. That is the sum of my news. + +No--there is something else concerning which I should like to +write to you, but am afraid to obtrude upon your notice. I am a +simple, dull fellow who writes down whatsoever first comes into +his head--Your friend, + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +September 29th. + +MY OWN BARBARA ALEXIEVNA,--Today, dearest, I saw Thedora, who +informed me that you are to be married tomorrow, and on the +following day to go away--for which purpose Bwikov has ordered a +post-chaise.... + +Well, of the incident of his Excellency, I have already told you. +Also I have verified the bill from the shop in Gorokhovaia +Street. It is correct, but very long. Why is Monsieur Bwikov so +out of humour with you? Nay, but you must be of good cheer, my +darling. I am so, and shall always be so, so long as you are +happy. I should have come to the church tomorrow, but, alas, +shall be prevented from doing so by the pain in my loins. Also, I +would have written an account of the ceremony, but that there +will be no one to report to me the details. . . . + +Yes, you have been a very good friend to Thedora, dearest. You +have acted kindly, very kindly, towards her. For every such deed +God will bless you. Good deeds never go unrewarded, nor does +virtue ever fail to win the crown of divine justice, be it early +or be it late. Much else should I have liked to write to you. +Every hour, every minute I could occupy in writing. Indeed I +could write to you forever! Only your book, "The Stories of +Bielkin", is left to me. Do not deprive me of it, I pray you, but +suffer me to keep it. It is not so much because I wish to read +the book for its own sake, as because winter is coming on, when +the evenings will be long and dreary, and one will want to read +at least SOMETHING. + +Do you know, I am going to move from my present quarters into +your old ones, which I intend to rent from Thedora; for I could +never part with that good old woman. Moreover, she is such a +splendid worker. Yesterday I inspected your empty room in detail, +and inspected your embroidery-frame, with the work still hanging +on it. It had been left untouched in its corner. Next, I +inspected the work itself, of which there still remained a few +remnants, and saw that you had used one of my letters for a spool +upon which to wind your thread. Also, on the table I found a +scrap of paper which had written on it, "My dearest Makar +Alexievitch I hasten to--" that was all. Evidently, someone had +interrupted you at an interesting point. Lastly, behind a screen +there was your little bed. . . . Oh darling of darlings!!! . . . +Well, goodbye now, goodbye now, but for God's sake send me +something in answer to this letter! + +MAKAR DIEVUSHKIN. + + + +September 3Oth. + +MY BELOVED MAKAR ALEXIEVITCH,--All is over! The die is cast! What +my lot may have in store I know not, but I am submissive to the +will of God. Tomorrow, then, we depart. For the last time, I take +my leave of you, my friend beyond price, my benefactor, my dear +one! Do not grieve for me, but try to live happily. Think of me +sometimes, and may the blessing of Almighty God light upon you! +For myself, I shall often have you in remembrance, and recall you +in my prayers. Thus our time together has come to an end. Little +comfort in my new life shall I derive from memories of the past. +The more, therefore, shall I cherish the recollection of you, and +the dearer will you ever be to my heart. Here, you have been my +only friend; here, you alone have loved me. Yes, I have seen all, +I have known all--I have throughout known how well you love me. A +single smile of mine, a single stroke from my pen, has been able +to make you happy. . . . But now you must forget me. . . . How +lonely you will be! Why should you stay here at all, kind, +inestimable, but solitary, friend of mine? + +To your care I entrust the book, the embroidery frame, and the +letter upon which I had begun. When you look upon the few words +which the letter contains you will be able mentally to read in +thought all that you would have liked further to hear or receive +from me--all that I would so gladly have written, but can never +now write. Think sometimes of your poor little Barbara who loved +you so well. All your letters I have left behind me in the top +drawer of Thedora's chest of drawers. . . You write that you are +ill, but Monsieur Bwikov will not let me leave the house today; +so that I can only write to you. Also, I will write again before +long. That is a promise. Yet God only knows when I shall be able +to do so. . . . + +Now we must bid one another forever farewell, my friend, my +beloved, my own! Yes, it must be forever! Ah, how at this moment +I could embrace you! Goodbye, dear friend--goodbye, goodbye! May +you ever rest well and happy! To the end I shall keep you in my +prayers. How my heart is aching under its load of sorrow! . . . +Monsieur Bwikov is just calling for me. . . .--Your ever loving + +B. + +P.S.--My heart is full! It is full to bursting of tears! Sorrow +has me in its grip, and is tearing me to pieces. Goodbye. My God, +what grief! Do not, do not forget your poor Barbara! + + + +BELOVED BARBARA--MY JEWEL, MY PRICELESS ONE,--You are now almost +en route, you are now just about to depart! Would that they had +torn my heart out of my breast rather than have taken you away +from me! How could you allow it? You weep, yet you go! And only +this moment I have received from you a letter stained with your +tears! It must be that you are departing unwillingly; it must be +that you are being abducted against your will; it must be that +you are sorry for me; it must be that--that you LOVE me! . . . + +Yet how will it fare with you now? Your heart will soon have +become chilled and sick and depressed. Grief will soon have +sucked away its life; grief will soon have rent it in twain! Yes, +you will die where you be, and be laid to rest in the cold, moist +earth where there is no one to bewail you. Monsieur Bwikov will +only be hunting hares! . . . + +Ah, my darling, my darling! WHY did you come to this decision? +How could you bring yourself to take such a step? What have you +done, have you done, have you done? Soon they will be carrying +you away to the tomb; soon your beauty will have become defiled, +my angel. Ah, dearest one, you are as weak as a feather. And +where have I been all this time? What have I been thinking of? I +have treated you merely as a forward child whose head was aching. +Fool that I was, I neither saw nor understood. I have behaved as +though, right or wrong, the matter was in no way my concern. Yes, +I have been running about after fripperies! . . . Ah, but I WILL +leave my bed. Tomorrow I WILL rise sound and well, and be once +more myself. . . . + +Dearest, I could throw myself under the wheels of a passing +vehicle rather than that you should go like this. By what right +is it being done? . . . I will go with you; I will run behind +your carriage if you will not take me--yes, I will run, and run +so long as the power is in me, and until my breath shall have +failed. Do you know whither you are going? Perhaps you will not +know, and will have to ask me? Before you there lie the Steppes, +my darling--only the Steppes, the naked Steppes, the Steppes that +are as bare as the palm of my hand. THERE there live only +heartless old women and rude peasants and drunkards. THERE the +trees have already shed their leaves. THERE there abide but rain +and cold. Why should you go thither? True, Monsieur Bwikov will +have his diversions in that country--he will be able to hunt the +hare; but what of yourself? Do you wish to become a mere estate +lady? Nay; look at yourself, my seraph of heaven. Are you in any +way fitted for such a role? How could you play it? To whom should +I write letters? To whom should I send these missives? Whom +should I call "my darling"? To whom should I apply that name of +endearment? Where, too, could I find you? + +When you are gone, Barbara, I shall die--for certain I shall die, +for my heart cannot bear this misery. I love you as I love the +light of God; I love you as my own daughter; to you I have +devoted my love in its entirety; only for you have I lived at +all; only because you were near me have I worked and copied +manuscripts and committed my views to paper under the guise of +friendly letters. + +Perhaps you did not know all this, but it has been so. How, then, +my beloved, could you bring yourself to leave me? Nay, you MUST +not go--it is impossible, it is sheerly, it is utterly, +impossible. The rain will fall upon you, and you are weak, and +will catch cold. The floods will stop your carriage. No sooner +will it have passed the city barriers than it will break down, +purposely break down. Here, in St. Petersburg, they are bad +builders of carriages. Yes, I know well these carriage-builders. +They are jerry-builders who can fashion a toy, but nothing that +is durable. Yes, I swear they can make nothing that is durable. . . . +All that I can do is to go upon my knees before Monsieur Bwikov, +and to tell him all, to tell him all. Do you also tell +him all, dearest, and reason with him. Tell him that you MUST +remain here, and must not go. Ah, why did he not marry that +merchant's daughter in Moscow? Let him go and marry her now. She +would suit him far better and for reasons which I well know. Then +I could keep you. For what is he to you, this Monsieur Bwikov? +Why has he suddenly become so dear to your heart? Is it because he +can buy you gewgaws? What are THEY? What use are THEY? They are +so much rubbish. One should consider human life rather than mere +finery. + +Nevertheless, as soon as I have received my next instalment of +salary I mean to buy you a new cloak. I mean to buy it at a shop +with which I am acquainted. Only, you must wait until my next +installment is due, my angel of a Barbara. Ah, God, my God! To +think that you are going away into the Steppes with Monsieur +Bwikov--that you are going away never to return! . . . Nay, nay, +but you SHALL write to me. You SHALL write me a letter as soon as +you have started, even if it be your last letter of all, my +dearest. Yet will it be your last letter? How has it come about +so suddenly, so irrevocably, that this letter should be your +last? Nay, nay; I will write, and you shall write--yes, NOW, when +at length I am beginning to improve my style. Style? I do not +know what I am writing. I never do know what I am writing. I +could not possibly know, for I never read over what I have +written, nor correct its orthography. At the present moment, I am +writing merely for the sake of writing, and to put as much as +possible into this last letter of mine. . . . + +Ah, dearest, my pet, my own darling!... + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Poor Folk, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky + |