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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, 
+March 8, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,  March 8, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 14, 2007  [eBook #22993]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150,  MARCH 8, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jane Hyland, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22993-h.htm or 22993-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/9/22993/22993-h/22993-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/9/22993/22993-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+MARCH 8, 1916
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Germany is declared to have built a submarine that can go to the United
+States and back. Future insults therefore will be delivered by hand.
+
+       ***
+
+Municipal fishshops are to be established in Germany. They will be
+closely associated, it is understood, with the Overseas News Agency, and
+will make a speciality of supplying a fish diet to sailors who are
+unfortunately prevented by circumstances from visiting the high seas.
+
+       ***
+
+In his lecture before the Royal Institute last week Dr. E. G. RUSSELL
+told his audience that there are 80,000,000 micro-organisms in a
+tablespoonful of rich cucumber soil. If we substitute German casualties
+for micro-organisms and deduct the average monthly wastage as shown by
+the private lists from the admitted official total of available
+effectives--but we are treading on Mr. BELLOC'S preserves.
+
+       ***
+
+The Government has announced itself as "satisfied with the measures
+taken to prevent Canadian nickel from reaching the Germans." Except, of
+course, in oblong pellets of insignificant size.
+
+       ***
+
+Answering a question of Sir ARTHUR MARKHAM in the House of Commons last
+week, Mr. TENNANT said, "If there was a large force of troops in Egypt,
+as to which it is undesirable that I should make any statement, it is
+quite conceivable that the presence of a hundred and seventeen Generals
+might be necessary." After all, if every one of them were just a
+Brigadier-General, they wouldn't require more than half-a-million men to
+keep them occupied.
+
+       ***
+
+Naval inspectors of cookery, it is officially announced, will hereafter
+wear a narrow stripe of white cloth on their cuff. This is a simplified
+form of the ancient heraldic emblem of the cook's guild, which was a
+hair _frizzé naiant_ in a dish of soup _maigre_.
+
+       ***
+
+All kinds of cleaning and washing are to be dearer, and a patriotic
+movement is already on foot among the younger set to do away with these
+luxuries altogether in the interests of patriotic economy.
+
+       ***
+
+As a reward of its efforts to save the lives of war-horses, the
+R.S.P.C.A. has now been officially recognized by the A.V.C. Some
+hindrance to their work is however feared as the result of strong
+protests lodged by the Westphalen Pie-makers' Association of Rotterdam,
+which the Government, in its anxiety not to deal harshly with the
+neutrals, is said to be carefully considering.
+
+       ***
+
+The owners of certain proprietary whiskeys have decided to put them up
+sixpence a bottle. In response to this move the owners of certain
+proprietary sixpences have decided not to put them down.
+
+       ***
+
+A correspondent of _The Times_ states that large numbers of Owls have
+taken to visiting the trenches in Flanders. The War Office, strangely
+enough, professes to know nothing of the circumstance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ROYAL GONDOLIERS.
+
+WE UNDERSTAND THAT OUR COURTEOUS ALLIES IN VENICE HAVE OFFERED TO SUPPLY
+FLOATING FACILITIES FOR OUR TROOPS IN THE FLOODED TRENCHES OF FLANDERS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For Conscientious Objectors.
+
+    "VARICOSE VEINS.--We stock all sizes, in best quality
+    only."--_Advt. in Irish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+British Frightfulness.
+
+    "A young woman was fried as a spy in London the other
+    day."--_Sunday Pictorial._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Leap-Year Reminder.
+
+    "February 29, 1916.--Last day for single men."--_Liverpool Daily
+    Post._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "We ... are no haters of peace. We want it more than anything in
+    the world--except the triumph of evil."--_Star._
+
+"A fallen star," we fear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mr. Lloyd George said that Cabinet Ministers had agreed to take
+    one-fourth of their salaries in Exchequer bombs."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+The times call for strong measures, but we think this is going a little
+too far.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TEUTON OVERTURES.
+
+As seen through Teuton Eyes.
+
+  These English--who can know their ways?
+    When, flushed with triumphs large and many,
+      We condescend with tactful signs
+      To hint of peace on generous lines
+  They answer in a flippant phrase
+    That they're "not taking any."
+
+  When from our conquering High-Seas Ark
+    (Detained at home by stress of weather)
+      We loosed the emblematic dove,
+      Conveying overtures of love,
+  Back came the bird with that remark,
+    Minus its best tail feather.
+
+  They said they never wanted war;
+    Yet, when we talk of war's abating,
+      And name the price for them to pay,
+      They have the curious nerve to say
+  That, when they please, and not before,
+    They'll do their own dictating.
+
+  How can you deal with minds so slow,
+    With men who give no indication
+      That we by any further shock
+      Into their heads can hope to knock
+  Enough intelligence to know
+    That they're a beaten nation?
+
+  Odd that we cannot make it clear
+    That we have won; and even odder
+      That other markets seem to jump,
+      While our exchange is on the slump,
+  And everything's starvation-dear
+    (Excepting cannon-fodder).      O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECONSTRUCTION.
+
+In that dim happy past, the Summer of 1913, I first saw him idly seated
+in a deck-chair on the firm sands of----, on the East Coast. A quiet
+detached figure amid a crowd of joyous children. Hard by a boy and girl
+were building a moated fortress, but, alas! the swiftly incoming tide
+eroded its foundations until the frowning battlements tottered to
+destruction.
+
+Turning, the children faced him. He smiled.
+
+"D'you know this one, Jacky?" he ventured.
+
+"He's Dick," the little maid protested, "and I'm Betty."
+
+"Now we're introduced, do you know this one?" he asked again.
+
+Straightaway he plunged into the new game, moving back to where a smooth
+stretch of sand lay invitingly. Immediately two minute shapes were
+etched with his stick on its surface.
+
+"What's those?"
+
+"Hairpins, of course! You _always_ start with hairpins. And this,"
+indicating a narrow oblong, "why, this must be that silver tray
+someone's always leaving her hairpins lying about on. Now for the
+hair-brushes--two of those--" (unerringly symmetrical)--"then the
+comb--" (equipped with most effective sand-teeth)--"then a powder-box?
+Well, a very little one----"
+
+As fast as he thought of them, fresh articles (or their symbols) came
+into being. There was no pause. "The shoe-horn, the button-hook, oh! and
+a clothes-brush----"
+
+Immediately following the last hair of the clothes-brush a rectangle put
+in an appearance around these assorted objects.
+
+"Mummy's dressing-table," asserted Master Dick authoritatively.
+
+"Sound man! What else do we want?"
+
+The children suggested alternately and in chorus the completion of the
+plan. An armchair with cushions incredibly soft, a fire-place pokered
+and tonged, a wardrobe (disproportionately enormous), two colossal
+hat-boxes, and detail after detail, with finally the door, the key-hole
+and the key.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The little hamlet somewhere in France had been shelled spasmodically for
+months. Possibly there was something faintly familiar in the seated
+figure of that Captain of Engineers that caught my eye; one did not
+often come across Captains of Engineers sitting on _débris_ in the
+village street. He squatted on a pile of granular masonry before a
+rudely prepared space surrounded by three small ragged children gazing
+round-eyed at something he was drawing with half a Nilgiri cane in the
+powdered rubble. I paused to look, and there arose before me the picture
+of a man with a boy and girl on a bygone day in happy England.
+
+"On commence avec le sel," he was explaining as he indicated the shape
+of a salt-cellar. "Eh b'en, après ça quat' assiettes, des couteaux, des
+fourchettes----" All the appurtenances of a homely table were quickly
+put in. "Et puis la table, n'est-ce pas? Et surtout faut pas oublier
+quelqu'chose à manger, eh, Jeanne?"
+
+"Non, monsieur." But the little girl was busy pointing to where a small
+brown bird pecked fruitlessly in the dust. "Regardez, donc, le p'tit
+oiseau; il n'a pas mangé, c'lui là."
+
+"Y a pas grande chose à manger; les Boches, vous savez, ont passé par
+ici," added one of the two boys quite impersonally.
+
+The Captain of Engineers continued quickly, "Maintenant il faut mettre
+le--" he paused for the word--"le--table-cloth." The children grasped
+his meaning from the comprehensive gesture. Rapidly he outlined chairs,
+a delightful baby's cradle, a clock with cuckoo complete, a fire-place,
+until at length a complete pictorial inventory had been made of the
+contents of the living-room of just such a cottage as had obviously been
+buried beneath the rubbish heap upon which he sat. Those children of the
+stricken country-side entered with keenness into the spirit of the
+make-believe. The little girl, searching for an appropriate stone to
+place on the imaginary table for imaginary bread, thrust her hand down
+among the _débris_ and, withdrawing it, exposed a relic. It was the
+faded remnant of a baby's shoe, grotesque in the autumn sunshine.
+
+"Oui, par exemple, les Boches ont passé par ici," said the little boy as
+impersonally as before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a Good Cause.
+
+An auction of stamps will be held on the 13th and 14th of March at 47,
+Leicester Square, in aid of the National Philatelic War Fund, the
+proceeds to be given to the Societies of the British Red Cross and St.
+John of Jerusalem. Collectors should seize this chance, as the Allies
+may shortly be arranging to modify the map of the world.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The year 1914 showed a drop of 441 million eggs in the year."
+    _Trade Paper._
+
+Taking our population as 46 millions this means 9-1/2 eggs dropped per
+head in the year. Under the influence of the thrift campaign a great
+effort is being made to drop only half an egg per head this year, but
+should there be a General Election there may be a rise in the drop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHO PAYS?
+
+THE FATHER. "WE ARE MAKING TERRIBLE SACRIFICES."
+
+THE SON. "YES, FATHER, BUT I AM VERY BRAVE; I CAN BEAR THEM."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Visitor._ "AND WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN THE SHELL STRUCK
+YOU?"
+
+_Bored Tommy._ "SENT MOTHER A POSTCARD TO HAVE MY BED AIRED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT MAN.
+
+Every Saturday, about four P.M., I am to be found worshipping at the
+Shrine of the Open Mind. Once within its portals I put off the subfuse
+vestments of J. Watson, Esq., Barrister-at-Law, and become simply Uncle
+James. This alone is a tonic. To-day as I ascended the steps of the
+temple there floated down to me the voices of the priestesses chanting,
+evidently in a kind of frenzy, and to the air of a famous Scottish reel,
+this rhyme----
+
+  "Daddy is a Sergeant, a Sergeant, a Sergeant!
+  Daddy is a Sergeant, a Sergeant of Police."
+
+So I opened the nursery door and went in. An uncle has no honour in his
+own country, and my two small nieces assaulted me immediately. Phyllis
+dragged me to a chair, while Lillah shrieked unrelentingly in my ear
+that Daddy was a sergeant.
+
+"So the special constables have seen that your father is a born
+policeman?" I said as I sat down.
+
+"The _special_ ones," nodded Phyllis with profound pride.
+
+"Magnificent," I murmured. "He has at last justified his choice of the
+law as a profession."
+
+"Tell us," said Lillah, with the air with which one speaks of a
+self-made man who has just appeared in the Honours List--"tell us how
+Daddy started."
+
+"He went to the Bar," I said.
+
+"Bar?" echoed Lillah.
+
+"Why, yes," I said; "it's a place where people wait."
+
+"Like a station?"
+
+"Only the trains don't always come in. Anyway, on one side of the bar
+are a lot of young men waiting for something to turn up, and on the
+other a lot of old men writing autobiographies."
+
+"But aren't there any middling-olders?" This is Phyllistian for men of
+middle age.
+
+"Not allowed," I said. "At the Bar you are either a junior or a
+reminiscer."
+
+"What's that?"
+
+"It's an illness that attacks people who aren't really famous."
+
+Phyllis stared. "Like measles?"
+
+I nodded.
+
+"Oh," cried Lillah eagerly, "do the reminiscers go all pink?"
+
+"They ought to," said I.
+
+There was a silence. The round eyes of Phyllis were full of suspicion.
+
+"Daddy said," she remarked slowly, "that he did law."
+
+"So he does," I answered.
+
+"Well, what's that, then?"
+
+Small girls ask questions in two words which wise men must write books
+to answer.
+
+"The law," I answered warily, "gives reasons for things that are
+unreasonable."
+
+"Like what?" said Phyllis.
+
+I laughed a little uneasily. This was getting difficult.
+
+"Oh--er--things like getting married," I said, "and refraining from
+shooting little girls who ask questions."
+
+I admit that this sort of joke is the last infirmity of an uncle's
+otherwise noble mind. They regarded me sadly.
+
+Then Lillah turned to Phyllis with a detached air. "Uncle James is being
+grand," she said, "because he doesn't know what law is."
+
+"Don't you?" said Phyllis.
+
+"Perhaps not," I murmured feebly. The nursery makes very small beer of
+the cynic. There was a moment's silence.
+
+"You've told us wrong," said Phyllis sternly. "Daddy isn't ever wrong."
+
+"So he's risen from his bar to be a sergeant," added Lillah, with the
+air of one finishing a story with a moral.
+
+I'm afraid I chuckled. It was in very bad taste, of course, but I
+couldn't help it. I suppose George is one of the most egregious
+Micawbers of the English Bar, whereas I---- why, I remember noticing a
+brief on the mantelpiece in my chambers only last month.
+
+"Poor Uncle James," said Phyllis in her best drawing-room tones,
+"perhaps if you tried very hard----"
+
+They had mistaken my laughter for that bitter disappointed kind you get
+in the theatres.
+
+"I know," said Lillah; "we'll play Germans, and Uncle James can pretend
+he's a sergeant."
+
+Yes, they were sorry for me. The table was pushed into the window and
+became a waterworks of importance.
+
+The invidious part of the alien enemy fell to Lillah. It was admitted
+that she could glare best. "Besides," said Phyllis, "Lillah can make
+growly noises come up from her tummy."
+
+The complete Hun, as you perceive.
+
+Phyllis became a "special," while I was her sergeant, the star part of
+the piece. But the show was a frost, though Lillah gave an excellent
+imitation, with the aid of a toy spider, of a Hun inserting bacilli into
+the nation's _aqua pura_. Yes, I'm afraid I was the failure. I couldn't
+get to grips with my part, and the whole thing was so obviously a
+charity performance, with Phyllis ordering herself sternly about to try
+and help me through.
+
+We were halfway through the second house when a well-known step was
+heard on the stairs.
+
+Lillah turned, her eyes ablaze with worship. Phyllis trembled with
+excitement. As I sat down I couldn't help thinking that we grown-ups are
+just a little absurd. There is more than one thinks in the relativity of
+things.
+
+Adoration? George was never going to get anything like it again in this
+world. My mind mused on ambition. Why, the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER
+himself----
+
+The door-handle turned and I heard the small voice of Phyllis in my ear.
+
+"Mummie says," she whispered, "we can't all be great."
+
+Nice little maid!
+
+Then we all lined up to receive the Sergeant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mother._ "NO, BETTY DARLING, I CAN'T BUTTON YOUR BOOTS
+FOR YOU. NOW YOU HAVE A LITTLE SISTER YOU MUST LEARN TO DO THINGS FOR
+YOURSELF."
+
+_Betty._ "SHALL I _ALWAYS_ HAVE TO DO FINGS FOR MYSELF?"
+
+_Mother._ "YES, DARLING." _Betty._ "THEN I DON'T FINK
+I SHALL LIKE LIFE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TURKISH COMMUNIQUE.
+
+    Constantinople, Saturday.--On the Canadian front there were
+    outpost duels and local fighting at several points. These
+    skirmishes are still going on."--_Evening Paper._
+
+Forthcoming volume by Sir MAX AITKEN--_Canada in Turkey._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a description of a new enemy aeroplane:--
+
+    "The whole machine is armoured, and the supper part is shaped
+    like a reversed roof." _Provincial Paper._
+
+Trust the Germans for looking after the commissariat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EMBARGO ON INK.
+
+Great Public Meeting.
+
+Mr Runciman, President of the Board of Trade, having stated that the
+Government was following up its restrictions on the importation of paper
+by drastic new rules concerning our supplies of ink, a public meeting of
+protest was immediately called. Mr. T. P. O'Notor, M.P., took the chair,
+and he was supported by many of the most illustrious ink-men of the day.
+
+The Chairman, having first read a number of letters apologising for
+absence, one of which was, of course, from Lord Southbluff, who
+specialises in this epistolary form, proceeded to pour scorn on the
+Board of Trade's decision. How can the Board of Trade, he asked
+pointedly, know its business as well as we do? If it hopes, by
+curtailing the supplies of ink that come to England, to make room for
+the more important necessaries of life, it is mistaken. There is nothing
+more important than ink. (Cheers.) Without ink what are we? (A voice:
+"Not much.") Without ink, how can advertisements be written? (Cries of
+"Shame!") Among all forms of human endeavour none was nobler than
+putting one word after another. (Applause.) That is what SHAKSPEARE did.
+(Hear, hear.) Always with the assistance of ink. (Cheers.) And what
+would England be like without SHAKSPEARE? (Renewed cheers.) Had Mr.
+RUNCIMAN thought of that? He (the speaker) would venture to say he had
+not. In any case ink must be saved. (Loud applause.)
+
+Mr. Harry Austinson, Editor of _The English Revue_, rose to protest
+against the Board of Trade action. To put an embargo upon ink was, he
+held, nothing less than an outrage. Ink was the life-blood of British
+liberty, and he for one would never hesitate to spill the last drop,
+either in his own select periodical or in a Sunday paper for the masses.
+The mere fact that the feeling against ink was inaugurated by a Member
+of the Government automatically proved it wrong. No good could come from
+such a corrupt agglomeration of salary-seekers as the Coalition
+Ministry. Speaking as one who knew Germany from within, he would say
+that to put any obstacle in the way of the public expression of opinion
+in England was to help the foe. (Hear, hear.)
+
+Mr. Bernold Pennit said that the Government's action paralysed him. For
+years he had been in the habit of writing his ten thousand words a day.
+It did not much matter what they were about; the point was that they
+were written. Otherwise he could not keep in good health. Where another
+man might do Swedish exercises, ride, walk, eat or play golf, he, Mr.
+Pennit, wrote. (Hear, hear.) It might be an attack on British stupidity;
+it might be a eulogy of Mr. ASQUITH; it might be a description of the
+arrival of a ton of coal at an auctioneer's private residence in Handley
+and its transference to the cellar and the discovery that there was one
+hundredweight one stone short. Whatever the theme, there were ten
+thousand words in any case, and unless he could write them daily he was
+lost. The tragic thing was that he could write only in ink and with his
+own hand. (Sensation.) Before meddling with ink there were all sorts of
+things for the Government to forbid. Golf balls, for one. He wished to
+express his complete dissatisfaction with Mr. RUNCIMAN's insane
+proposal. (Cheers.)
+
+Mr. Bolaire Hillock thought that a great deal too much fuss was being
+made about ink. The Board of Trade was, of course, an ass; that goes
+without saying (_ça va sans dire_); but it is childish of literary men to
+come there and pretend to be nonplussed. Let them rather show themselves
+superior to such trumpery legislation. As an old campaigner he could
+tell them what to do. When he was an artilleryman in France, and writing
+a series of articles on the Reformation at the same time, he mixed an
+excellent substitute for ink out of the ashes of his pipe and claret.
+There were countless things that could be utilised, including blacking,
+seethed mushrooms, boiled ash-buds, and the juice of the pickled walnut.
+With such resources as these we intended to go on writing and drawing
+diagrams long after Mr. RUNCIMAN was forgotten. (Loud cheers.)
+
+Lord Penge said that one of the purest pleasures of life was writing to
+_The Times_, and how could that be done if there was no ink? Some people
+doubtless could use pencil; but he personally could not. Others had
+typewriters or dictated to typists, but that was beyond him. To him
+there were few delights more complete than to dip his pen in the
+forbidden fluid and begin, "Sir." (Applause.)
+
+The Rev. R. Trampbell said that not during his whole career as a
+clergyman of the Church of England could he remember a more monstrous
+proposal than this one to reduce the supply of ink. To him ink was more
+precious than radium, for it enabled him to express his thoughts and
+thus come into intimate relationship with his fellow-beings. It might be
+within the knowledge of the meeting that he was in the habit of
+contributing every week an article on the War to the Sunday papers. It
+was not on tactics, but on some subject of spiritual interest connected
+with the War, and he had reason to believe that thousands, he might say
+millions, of his fellow-countrymen and fellow-countrywomen found it
+helpful. Was that to cease? England had too few inspired teachers for
+this article to be lightly disposed of. He felt sure that he had the
+great weight of his beloved Church of England at the back of him when he
+uttered this protest.
+
+Mr. Chester Gilbertson said that neither the restriction on ink or paper
+would worry him. There was nothing he couldn't write _with_, and nothing
+he couldn't write _on_. He had written many of his best articles with a
+piece of chalk on one of his black coats, and many of his worst on cab
+and railway-carriage windows with a diamond ring which he had compelled
+a commercial traveller to relinquish. (Cheers.) Rather than not express
+an opinion on whatever was forward, he would carve his views on a rock
+and himself carry the rock to the printing office. (Loud cheers.) The
+Runcimen of this world were created purely in order to be defied.
+
+Mr. Bernard Jaw said that of course for the Government to pretend that
+the cargo space now occupied by ink was needed for something else was
+rubbish. The Government's real reason was that they were terrified of
+the critics and thought to muzzle them in this way. But he for one--and
+he knew for a fact that the Government dreaded his genius acutely and
+would give much if they could still the blistering accuracy of his
+pen--he for one would not be daunted.
+
+At this point a special messenger arrived bearing a letter for the
+Chairman, who, after reading it, asked leave to put the meeting in
+possession of its terms, as it somewhat altered the situation. It was,
+in fact, from the Board of Trade, and stated that, owing to a misprint,
+the recent decision concerning ink had been misunderstood. It was not
+ink that was to be restricted, but zinc. (Cheers.) In the circumstances
+perhaps they might adjourn.
+
+The meeting then broke up peaceably, although Mr. Bernard Jaw did his
+best to collect an audience for a new speech on the monstrosity of
+interfering with zinc.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Count Bernstorff finds that the Washington Government has left
+    him in the air. Seemingly he is at sea."--_Morning Post._
+
+As was said of a nobler character, "the elements are so mixed up in
+him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jones (left at home to mind the children)._ "IF THE
+PAPER'S ANYTHING TO GO BY, WE MARRIED MEN WILL ALL BE IN THE ARMY BY
+JULY. IT SEEMS A LONG TIME TO WAIT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EXPERT ADVISER.
+
+I met him near the entrance of the Institute, where I was waiting to see
+the Superintendent. He approached with light, nervous steps, and his
+haggard eyes met mine questioningly.
+
+"A fine morning," I remarked.
+
+"It is," he agreed; "and if you would be good enough to tell me the day
+of the week--"
+
+"It's Saturday," I said, wondering a little.
+
+"I--I feared so," he said and clutched me by the arm. "Listen. This is
+the day when I have to make up my five columns--seven hundred lines,
+brevier type. It is my destiny to give advice, and you can have it
+without the asking. Take, for example, the Rhode Island Rabbit--a noble
+strain and rich in phosphates. Plant out at the beginning of April in a
+mixture consisting of two parts road-grit, two parts table-scraps, and a
+deed of assignment, and by the end of October they will be throwing up
+magnificent clusters of yellow blossom. The Magellan Lop-eared is also
+hardy and prolific, though pugnacious if reared under glass. In the
+absence of a specified agreement a dose of tartaric acid that has been
+well stewed with the mutton left over from Sunday will usually put
+matters straight. Snip off shoots that show signs of becoming broody,
+and give a mash of middlings at quarter-day.
+
+"We now come to the Light Sussex Long-furred Goatlings. These can be
+kept in hutches, which may be obtained at any oil-shop at about
+fivepence per pint. Grasp firmly by the wings when lifting, and explain
+the matter to your solicitor. Short-haired Pouters should be housed in
+kennels which have been thoroughly disinfected with peat-moss,
+cod-liver-oil emulsion and a good face-powder. A little boracic ointment
+rubbed well into the roots before breakfast is also to be commended.
+With regard to the Squirrel-tailed Borzois, during the period of weaning
+try bicarbonate of soda, one scruple; sal volatile, one drachm; to be
+taken every calendar month from date of contract."
+
+A large, genial man, with an official manner--he was, I discovered, the
+under-superintendent--approached, and the haggard man moved rapidly
+away.
+
+"A painful case," I observed.
+
+"Very," said the large man. "Journalist of the name of Criddle--Jabez
+Wilberforce Criddle. He used to run the Gardening section of _The Sunday
+Helio_. Then the chap that was responsible for the 'Legal Advice' was
+called up, and Criddle got his column as well as his own. Next, the
+'Poultry Gossip' man went, and they gave Criddle that, and when a week
+later the 'Cookery Notes' woman took up V.A.D. work he got her share
+too. He struggled along gamely enough until 'Auntie Gladys,' who ran
+'Our Baby' column, became a tram-conductress; but, when they passed him
+that, his mind went, and the proprietors sent him here."
+
+I inquired as to the possibilities of recovery.
+
+"There is hope," said the large man, "that the trouble may not last
+beyond the duration of the War. But we shan't feel that we've made a
+fair start until we've cured him of getting up in the night and tapping
+his artificial teeth with a button-hook. He fancies he's dictating
+'Answers to Correspondents.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Clerical Candour.
+
+    "In order to satisfy my mind I spent over two hours in a certain
+    cinema ... Frankly I was disappointed. I saw nothing which could
+    in any way be called indecent."
+
+    _The Rev. F. H. GILLINGHAM, in "The Weekly Dispatch."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNEASY CONSCIENCE.
+
+"WELL, I'M OFF TO MY DRESSMAKER'S. I CAN'T SIT HERE ANY LONGER BEING
+ECONOMISED AT BY THAT GIRL'S CLOTHES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WORLD SET FREE.
+
+(_An awful prospect._)
+
+  Long, long ago, when I had not attested,
+    I prized the liberties of this proud race,
+  The right of speech, from haughty rulers wrested,
+    The right to put one's neighbours in their place;
+      I liked to argue and I loved to pass
+      Slighting remarks on Robert, who's an ass,
+      To hint that Henry's manners were no class,
+    Or simply say I did not like his face.
+
+  But things are changed. To-day I had a tussle
+    With some low scion of an upstart line;
+  Meagre his intellect, absurd his muscle,
+    I should have strafed him in the days long syne;
+      I took a First, and he could hardly parse;
+      I have more eloquence but he more stars;
+      Yet (so insane the ordinance of Mars)
+    I must say "Yessir," and salute the swine.
+
+  And it was hard when that abrupt Staff-Major
+    Up to the firing-line one evening came
+  (Unknown his motive, probably a wager),
+    And said quite rudely, "You are much to blame;
+      Those beggars yonder you should enfilade."
+      I fingered longingly a nice grenade;
+      I said those beggars were our First Brigade,
+    But might not call him any kind of name.
+
+  Yet not for ever shall the bard be muted
+    By stars and stripes, but freely, as of yore,
+  When swords are sheathed and I'm civilian-suited,
+    I shall have speech with certain of my corps,
+      Speak them the insults which I now but brood:
+      "Pompous," "incompetent," "too fond of food,"
+      And fiercely taste the bliss of being rude
+    And unrestrained by Articles of War.
+
+  That will be great; but what if such intentions
+    Are likewise present in the Tenth Platoon?
+  What if some labourer of huge dimensions
+    Meet me defenceless in a Tube saloon,
+      And hiss his catalogue of unpaid scores,
+      How oft I criticised his forming fours,
+      Or prisoned him behind the Depôt doors,
+    Or kept him digging on the Fourth of June?
+
+  Painful. And then, when all these arméd millions
+    Unknot with zest the military noose,
+  Will the whole world be full of wroth civilians,
+    Each one exulting in a tongue let loose?
+      And who shall picture or what bard shall pen
+      The crowning horror which awaits us then--
+      That civil warfare of uncivil men
+    In one great Armageddon of abuse?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Pluralist.
+
+The writer of a letter appearing in _The Daily Mail_ signs herself "Wife
+of Group 41."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE QUESTION OF THE HOUR.
+
+JOHN BULL (_to himself_). "TELL YOU WHAT IT IS, MY FRIEND--YOU'VE BEEN
+DOING YOURSELF TOO WELL. IF YOU MEAN TO WIN THIS WAR YOU'VE GOT TO SEE
+WHAT YOU CAN DO WITHOUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRANK.
+
+In my first formal introduction to Frank he appeared, together with his
+clothing and various belongings, as an item in a list of things to be
+taken over. I knew him already by reputation, and I remembered some of
+the occasions when he had appeared on parade. Also I knew that two
+successive Company Commanders had managed in turn to exchange him with
+some unsuspecting newly appointed O.C. Company for something more
+tractable. This last process, indeed, accounted for my having to take
+him over instead of the mild creature with the duck-waddle action which
+my predecessor had ridden or, let me say, sat.
+
+It became then my lot to take over Frank, or, to put it more correctly,
+I was issued with him. That is part of the military principle of fixing
+responsibility. Things are not issued to you; you are issued with them,
+and you alone are accountable. I was issued with Frank and all his
+harness and appointments and, incidentally, his parlour tricks. This was
+the formal introduction. I didn't meet him at close range until later.
+When I was issued with him I didn't even know his name. No previous
+owner had ever thought of asking it, and had they asked they would not
+have believed that a horse could be called Frank. On general principles
+it seems wrong, but on nearer acquaintance I found that Frank was
+exactly the name for him. The great thing about him was that if he
+thought a thing he said it.
+
+For example, when I first mounted him he thought he would prefer to
+remain in the stable where he had been for the best part of a week. He
+said so quite candidly. I am nothing very great as a handler of wild
+animals, and he gave me three minutes made up of every action in his
+_repertoire_--no limited one. At the end of it I very kindly dismounted.
+I didn't want him to think I was not intelligent enough to understand
+what he meant, and moreover I hated the idea of marring our first
+meeting by refusing so unmistakable a request. So he was led back to his
+quarters and the incident closed, if not with mutual goodwill at least
+with some degree of satisfaction fairly evenly distributed among the
+parties.
+
+It was, I remember, on the next morning that the Mess Sergeant noticed a
+shortage of lump sugar in one of the basins. I mention this merely
+because it fixes in my mind the first day on which I had a comfortable
+ride. Frank started out in a good temper and came home at his best pace,
+hoping to get some more sugar. That, at least, is how I read his
+meaning, and I pursued my policy of not misunderstanding him. After this
+he developed a parlour trick which made me quite fond of him. When I
+went to the stable he would put his nose round to the side pocket whore
+I kept the sugar. He always got some, and he knew there would always be
+some more when he got home.
+
+Thus it became necessary to instruct him in topography. He quickly
+learned that certain turnings led to the camp, and I was reduced to
+subterfuges to prove to him that they did not. It was essential to go
+over every road at various times in opposite directions. That confused
+him, and though I disliked the deception I had to resort to it, with the
+result that Frank finally accepted me at my own fictitious valuation as
+a person who did not properly know his own mind.
+
+But it took him some time to get into my ways. Once we spent twenty
+minutes on a small stretch of road leading from the parade ground to a
+railway bridge. I wanted to cross the bridge and Frank did not. I took
+him towards the bridge and he took me back towards the camp. This
+happened thirteen times. At the fourteenth there was a variation; he
+changed his mind and we crossed the bridge. During the twenty minutes, I
+remember, we had a further slight disagreement about a stick. I was glad
+I had brought it, and he was not. But on the other side of the bridge we
+let bygones be bygones. Frank had his moods, but he was always a
+gentleman.
+
+He was also a soldier. His strong point really was that he was excellent
+on parade. He would look round, grasp the formation at a glance, and
+drop into his place. He was never more happy than when route-marching;
+never more unhappy than when compelled to break out of the line. Indeed,
+so much did he enjoy column of route that when off duty with two or
+three other horses he would play at route-marching, taking up a position
+in Indian file and avoiding any sort of arrangement which brought him
+abreast of his companions.
+
+At last we had to part. I don't know the right way to express this.
+Possibly I was reissued without him; I am not sure what the process was.
+At any rate we separated, he remaining at the camp and I proceeding on
+duty to the Depôt. I said good-bye to him and he nuzzled for the last
+time at my side pocket. Having munched the sugar, he turned to the more
+serious business of his manger. I think this must have been his way of
+concealing his emotion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAG-TIME IN THE TRENCHES.
+
+      Roll up, rally up!
+      Stroll up, sally up!
+  Take a tupp'ny ticket out, and help to tote the tally up!
+  Come and see the Raggers in their "Mud and Slush" revoo.
+  (Haven't got no money? Well, a cigarette'll do).
+  Come and hear O'Leary in his great tin-whistle stunt;
+  See our beauty chorus with the Sergeant in the front;
+    Come and hear our gaggers
+      In their "Lonely Tommy" song;
+    Come and see the Raggers,
+      We're the bongest of the bong.
+
+      Roll up, rally up!
+      Stroll up, sally up!
+  Show is just commencing and we've got to ring the ballet up.
+  Hear our swell orchestra keeping all the fun alive,
+  Tooting on his whistle while they dance the Dug-out Dive.
+  Come and see Spud Murphy with his double-ration smile,
+  ('Tisn't much for beauty, but it's PHYLLIS DARE for style);
+    Come and see our _scena_,
+      "How the section got C.B.;"
+    Bring a concertina
+      And we'll let you come in free.
+
+      Roll up, rally up!
+      Stroll up, sally up!
+  First and last performance. If you want to see it, _allez_ up!
+  Come and sit where "Archibalds" won't get you in the neck
+  (If it's getting sultry you can take a pass-out check).
+  Come and hear the Corporal recite his only joke;
+  See the leading lady slipping out to have a smoke;
+    Sappers, cooks, flag-waggers,
+      Dhooly-wallahs too;
+    Come and hear the Raggers
+      In their "Mud and Slush" revoo.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+    "The perfume _par excellence_ ... unapproached and
+    unapproachable." _Advt. in Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GERMAN FOOD CRISIS.
+    ATTEMPT TO CONGEAL THE TRUTH AS TO SHORTAGE."--_Buenos Ayres
+    Standard._
+
+The Huns are so economical that they put even Truth into cold storage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Cheery messages come through from General Townshend. He is
+    sewing vegetable seeds and has asked for gramophone needles."
+    _Lloyd's Weekly News._
+
+The ordinary kind being unsuited for such delicate stitchery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, February_ 29th.--Mr. LLOYD GEORGE announced to-day that the
+Members of the Cabinet had decided to take one-fourth of their salaries
+in Exchequer Bonds. Murmurs of applause followed, and before they had
+died away Mr. HOGGE launched his great joke. Leading up to it with the
+remark that Exchequer Bonds can be sold the next day, he asked, "Would
+it not be a good idea to call them the Laughing Stock?" Mr. HOGGE is not
+one of the chartered jesters of the House so his _jeu d'ésprit_ just
+caused "a laugh," as the reporters say, and nothing more.
+
+On the Third Beading of the Consolidated Fund Bill Sir JOHN SIMON
+renewed his attack upon the Military Service Bill. The tribunals, he
+declared, were disregarding the appeal of the widow's only son; the
+Yellow Form, of which the late Home Secretary takes the same jaundiced
+view as he did of the Yellow Press, was being sent out indiscriminately
+to all whom it did not concern: the War Office had issued a misleading
+poster; and everywhere men were being "bluffed" into the Army. He
+himself would have been inundated with correspondence if he had not had
+the happy inspiration of diverting the flood into Mr. TENNANT's
+letter-box. Passionately he called upon the Government not to imitate
+Germany's brutality.
+
+Mr. LONG, suave as usual, deprecated Sir JOHN SIMON'S ferocity, reminded
+him that all cases of hardship could be considered by the Appeal
+Tribunals, and promised to investigate the cases that had been
+mentioned. "May I send in my list too?" asked Mr. WATT. But Mr. LONG,
+unwilling to share the fate of Mr. TENNANT, suggested that the SECRETARY
+FOR SCOTLAND would form a more appropriate dumping-ground for Mr. WATT'S
+_dossier_.
+
+After Mr. SNOWDEN, Sir THOMAS WHITTAKER and Mr. LOUGH had reinforced Sir
+JOHN SIMON'S case with added instances the Government found an
+unexpected champion in Mr. HEALY. He was amazed to hear the late HOME
+SECRETARY--"one of the Ministers who made the War"--gloating over the
+inefficiency of the War Office at a moment when round Verdun was raging
+a battle in which the fate of Paris, and perhaps of London, was
+involved. Why had he not imitated the monumental silence of Mr. BURNS?
+Instead, he, the suppressor of obscure Irish newspapers, had done more
+to injure recruiting than any Connemara editor.
+
+I never expected to live to hear the Bank of England described in the
+House of Commons as a useless institution. In Mr. HEALY'S opinion, "The
+Old Lady of Threadneedle Street," like the other who lived in a shoe,
+has too many children, and her attempt to get 190 of them exempted from
+military service moved him in a moment of "vituperative irrelevance," as
+Mr. PRINGLE subsequently described it, to say the rudest things about
+her financial capacity.
+
+_Wednesday, March 1st._--Sir OWEN PHILLIPS, once Liberal Member for
+Pembroke, returned to the House to-day as Unionist Member for Chester.
+To signalise the capture of so gigantic a prize--he is 6ft. 6in. in his
+stockinged feet--Lord EDMUND TALBOT and Sir G. YOUNGER, Unionist Whips,
+conducted him to the Table; and as they are both of moderate height the
+procession gave the effect of a _Mauretania_ going to her moorings in
+charge of a couple of tugs.
+
+When Dr. MACNAMARA moved a Supplementary Estimate of £10 for the Navy, I
+was reminded of PRAED'S lines "On seeing the SPEAKER asleep in his
+chair":--
+
+    "Hume, no doubt, will be taking the sense Of the House on a
+    saving of thirteen pence."
+
+But there were differences. The £10 was not an ordinary "ten-pun' note"
+but was a "token" representing something like four and a half millions
+received by the Fleet for services rendered to Foreign Powers and
+others; and Mr. WHITLEY, who was in the Chair, too so far from being
+asleep, was intensely wide-awake. Members who sought to discuss Naval
+policy generally were promptly pulled up, and the SECRETARY OF THE
+ADMIRALTY, when in his third or fourth attempt to explain the Vote he
+remarked hypothetically, "Suppose we were to sell a battleship----" was
+himself called to order, Mr. WHITLEY evidently regarding such a
+reduction of the Fleet as unpatriotic even in imagination.
+
+A vote for £37,000 to extend the British Consulate buildings at Cairo
+united both sides of the House in criticism. Mr. ASHLEY thought what was
+good enough for Lord CROMER should be good enough for his successor. Mr.
+HOGGE, by a somewhat obscure process of reasoning, now understood why
+the Germans were so anxious to get to Egypt. In vain Mr. LEWIS HARCOURT,
+usually so persuasive, explained that they were now buying for £3 10s. a
+metre land for which the owner wanted £12 a metre not long ago. Sir F.
+BANBURY, shaking his _pince-nez_ at the Treasury Bench, retorted that
+he might ask £5 for this pair of glasses, for which he had paid
+half-a-crown (more war economy), but he would not expect to get it.
+
+A vote for £50,000, to complete the purchase of the estate of Colonel
+HALL-WALKER, who has presented his racing stud to the Government, evoked
+some opposition and much facetiousness. Mr. ACLAND, who proposed it, did
+not help his case by remarking that personally he regarded racing as a
+low form of sport. The fact that some of the horses have been leased by
+the War Department to Lord LONSDALE for racing purposes "on sharing
+terms" caused Mr. MCNEILL to inquire whether Mr. TENNANT would act as
+the Ministerial tipster; and Mr. HOGGE, who displayed a knowledge of
+racing which will, I fear, shock the unco' guid of East Edinburgh,
+thought it ridiculous that Ministers should preach economy in the City
+and start a racing stud at Westminster.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN HAPPY DAYS TO COME. _The Coalition Owners (Mr. ASQUITH
+and Mr. BONAR LAW _) LEADING IN A WINNER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Thursday, March 2nd.--Ariel_, Earl of DERBY, has not entirely left the
+Earth for the Air. His head, at any rate, is not in the clouds, for his
+speech on the working of his own scheme was full of practical wisdom. He
+was not afraid of the exemptions that the tribunals might give if left
+to themselves, but he was a little concerned about SIMON and his scratch
+crew of pro-shirkers who seemed to be doing their little best to prevent
+the country from getting men.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ELUSIVE ONES.
+
+A large number of claims for exemption from military service were made
+before the Bouverie Street Tribunal at its sittings last week.
+
+Ike Feldmann (23) asked for exemption on the ground that he was an
+agriculturalist and therefore excused under the Act. Questioned further,
+he stated that at the present time he was employed in making artificial
+onions for a firm of Bond Street milliners, but his uncle, who was
+wealthy, had promised to buy him a farm as soon as the weather got
+warmer. His application was rejected.
+
+William Smith (31) stated that he was the President, Treasurer and
+Secretary of the Anglo-Chinese Industries Association, Limited, and
+urged that unless he was exempted the company must inevitably go into
+liquidation, there being no one else familiar with its business.
+Answering a question by the Chairman, applicant stated that the company
+was formed to do a general mercantile business, but that at the present
+time its activities were confined to manicuring Pekingese pugs. Asked
+whether this work could not be done by women, applicant stated that it
+had been tried, but that women seemed to get on the nerves of the dogs,
+causing their hair to fall out. The application was refused.
+
+An appeal was made on behalf of George W. Hopper (18), an employee of
+the West End Delicacy Company, a concern engaged in the business of
+supplying steak-and-kidney puddings to the large hotels. These
+delicacies, the Secretary of the company explained, weighed about a ton
+each, and Hopper was the only man who was strong enough to lift them out
+of the ovens into the delivery wagon.
+
+_A Member of the Board._ That is just the kind of man they want in the
+army.
+
+The Secretary of the company stated as an additional ground for
+exemption that Hopper had a wooden leg and bronchitis. He was put back
+one group to give time for medical treatment of leg.
+
+James Ponks (19), who appeared somewhat dazed at his surroundings,
+explained in a confidential whisper that he was the caretaker of the
+municipal macaroni beds in Regent's Park. Asked if he would not like to
+fight for his country, he replied that he would, only MARTIN Luther had
+appeared to him in a dream and ordered him to go into the dressed
+poultry business. Referred to the Medical authorities.
+
+Jim Bounce (30) stated that he had a conscientious objection to
+fighting. He didn't like the Germans, but recognised that they were his
+spiritual brothers.
+
+_A Member of the Board._ Where did you get that cauliflower ear?
+
+Owing to the unsatisfactory nature of the applicant's reply his appeal
+was refused.
+
+Arthur Small (35), proprietor of a fish and chips emporium, stated that
+he was a widower and the sole support of his mother-in-law, two married
+sisters-in-law, their husbands and their thirteen small children.
+
+_The Chairman._ It seems a clear case for exemption.
+
+Applicant hastened to explain that he did not ask for exemption as he
+felt that his first duty was to his country. He would like, however, a
+week in which to say good-bye to his relations by marriage. The request
+was granted, the Chairman stating that the attitude of Small, who was
+sacrificing everything for duty, did him the greatest credit.
+
+      *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HAVEN.
+
+On the famous site of The Star and Garter Hotel at Richmond Hill, a Home
+is to be built for Soldiers and Sailors totally disabled by the War. The
+work has been undertaken by the British Women's Hospital, and, on its
+completion, Her Majesty the Queen will present the building to the
+British Red Cross Society, by whom it will be maintained. The cost of
+construction will be £50,000. Mr. Punch can think of no cause which
+should appeal more strongly to the gratitude of the nation and he begs
+his generous readers to send gifts in aid of it to The Hon. Treasurer,
+"Star and Garter" Building Fund, 21, Old Bond Street, W.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Smooth Passage.
+
+    "In the Lords Viscount French took his sea but it was a quiet
+    affair."--_Morning Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "EMPLOYMENT as odd man offered to a disabled soldier in a very
+    good gentleman's household."--_Morning Paper._
+
+As the above advertisement appeared several times we are afraid the
+gentleman must have been regarded as almost too good to be true.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Bank Manager._ "Now please understand, Miss Jones, you
+must make the books balance." _Miss Jones._ "Oh, Mr. Brown, how fussy
+you are!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DUG-OUT DOMINIE.
+
+  Some thirty years ago or more
+    He tried his hand at gerund-grinding,
+  But very speedily forswore
+    The _rôle_ before its ties grew binding;
+  He earned a living by his pen,
+    Paid court to Clio and Melpomene,
+  Until the War broke out, and then
+    Enlisted--as a dug-out dominie.
+
+  Shortsighted, undersized and weak,
+    Intolerant yet self-distrusting,
+  There could not well have been a "beak"
+    Less fitted for the nice adjusting
+  Of his peculiar point of view
+    To that of forty-odd years later,
+  Less eager to acclaim the New,
+    Less apt for Georgian tastes to cater.
+
+  He strove, 'tis true, to keep abreast
+    Of MASEFIELD'S grim poetic frenzy,
+  Sought Truth in WELLS, and did his best
+    To like the Oxford of MACKENZIE;
+  With YEATS he wandered in the Void,
+    Tasted of SHAW'S dramatic jalap,
+  Then turned with rapture unalloyed
+    To DICKENS, THACKERAY and TROLLOPE.
+
+  Thus handicapped, thus fortified,
+    Behold him perilously faring
+  Into a world where all are tried
+    By boyhood's scrutiny unsparing;
+  Where ev'ry trick of gait or speech
+    Is most inexorably noted,
+  And masters, more than what they teach,
+    Are studied, criticised and quoted.
+
+  His idols mostly left them cold--
+    BAGEHOT, MATT. ARNOLD, SCOTT and MILTON;
+  But they were quick in taking hold
+    Of PRAED and J.K.S. and HILTON;
+  And once undoubtedly he scored
+    When, on a day of happy omen,
+  He introduced them to A. WARD,
+    The wisest of the tribe of showmen.
+
+  But still his fervours left them calm--
+    Emotion they considered freakish;--
+  He felt with many an inward qualm
+    That he was thoroughly un-beakish;
+  His mood perplexed them; he was half
+    Provocative, half deferential,
+  Too anxious to provoke a laugh,
+    Too vague where logic was essential.
+
+  So, struggling on to bridge the gaps
+    That seventeen from sixty sunder,
+  And causing at his best, perhaps,
+    A mild and intermittent wonder,
+  At least he recognised the truth
+    That there are other ways of earning
+  The sympathy of clear-eyed youth
+    Than by a mere parade of learning.
+
+  And yet I think his pupils may
+    In after years, at camp or college,
+  Admit that in his rambling way
+    He added to their stock of knowledge;
+  And, as they ruefully recall
+    His "jaws" on CLAUSEWITZ and JOMINI,
+  On BALZAC, HEINE and JEAN PAUL,
+    Think kindly of their dug-out dominie.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Hide-bound red tape rules the day." SIR F. MILNER'S _Letter to
+    "The Times."_
+
+It is much more effective than ordinary unreinforced variety.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Happy Family.
+
+    "A milk deliverer 31 years of ago, who applied for exemption,
+    said his father was an Atheist, his mother was 'all the other
+    way about,' and his brother was a Socialist, and if he went away
+    there would be war at home. He considered that he should stay at
+    home to keep the peace."--_Western Evening Herald._
+
+But a merciful tribunal, thinking that he was more likely to find it in
+the trenches, only exempted him for a month.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NATIONAL SCAPE-GOAT ASSOCIATION.
+
+My companion had come into the compartment hurriedly just as the train
+started. He was a small, middle-aged, sandy-haired man with a straggling
+tufted beard, the sort of beard that looks as if it owed its origin
+rather to forgetfulness than to any settled design. The expression on
+his face and, indeed, over his whole body was a deprecating one. He
+reminded me of a dog who has transgressed and begs humbly for
+forgiveness. He had no newspaper, and accepted the offer of one of mine
+with a deference of gratitude that struck me as excessive. Soon after
+that we slid into a conversation about the War and made most of the
+usual remarks.
+
+"It's wonderful," he said, "how the country maintains its financial
+stability. Five millions a day, you know. It's a pretty big sum, and yet
+nobody seems to feel it. Here we are, for instance, you and I,
+travelling first-class."
+
+"My next season-ticket is going to be third-class," I said. "All
+business has been hit very hard, and we've simply got to economise."
+
+"I daresay, I daresay," he said. "It may be so with some businesses. All
+I know is my business hasn't gone off."
+
+"Shipowner?" I said.
+
+He gasped and shook his head emphatically. "Oh dear, no," he said.
+"Nothing of that kind--wish I was. But you won't guess what I do, not if
+I were to let you have a thousand guesses." His humility had vanished
+and he looked almost triumphant.
+
+"I give it up at once," I said. "What are you?"
+
+"I," he said, "am the National Scape-Goat Association."
+
+"The _what_?" I said.
+
+He repeated his words. "I see you don't understand," he went on, "so
+perhaps I'd better explain."
+
+"Yes," I said, "much better."
+
+"Well, it's this way," he said. "Have you ever written a book or been a
+Candidate for a seat in the House of Commons?"
+
+I said I hadn't.
+
+"It doesn't matter," he said. "You'll understand what I mean. Take the
+politician first. He issues an Address and makes speeches; in fact, does
+things which make him known to thousands of people whom he doesn't know.
+Do you follow me?"
+
+I said I did.
+
+"Well, then, somebody posts back his Election Address with 'This is
+pitiful balderdash and most ungrammatical' written plainly at the bottom
+of it. What would be your feelings if you got a thing like that?"
+
+"I shouldn't like it," I said.
+
+"Of course you wouldn't. You'd want to kick the writer, or at the very
+least you'd want to write back to him and tell him what you thought of
+him. But you can't do it, because of course he hasn't signed his name or
+given any hint of his address. It's the same way with anonymous letters
+of abuse. You can't answer them. So you 're done. You feel as if you'd
+tried to walk up a step where there wasn't a step, and your temper
+suffers. That's where the Association comes in. All you've got to do is
+to write to us, enclosing fee. For half-a-guinea we send down to any
+address in England one of our experts from the Assault-and-Battery
+Department, and you're entitled to kick him once--we guarantee him
+boot-proof, so you can kick as hard as you like. Or, if you prefer
+writing to kicking, you can write to me as if I'd written the anonymous
+letter or article or whatever it may be, and you can abuse me to your
+heart's content for half-a-crown. For three shillings you can call me a
+pro-German. Anyhow, the result is that your temper recovers and you feel
+perfectly satisfied. It's well worth the money, isn't it? I'm thinking
+of starting a Subscriptions' Department, to which you could write a
+refusal of any application for money, even if you have to subscribe in
+the end. It will give a man a pleasant glow to write to a clergyman, for
+instance (I shall keep a dozen or so on the premises), and say he'll be
+immortally jiggered if he'll subscribe to the Church Building Fund. But
+the anonymous letter business will always be my chief source of profit.
+Here's our prospectus, with all details. If you think any more of it
+perhaps you'll let me know. I get out here. Good-bye."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Kaiser (reading English news of wood-pulp
+restrictions)._ "HIMMEL! THEY'LL THINK MORE THAN EVER OF THEIR PRECIOUS
+'SCRAPS OF PAPER'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Kipling Revised.
+
+    "Men of all castes had rallied to the Flag, and truly we had
+    witnessed the truth of what the poet told us. 'The East is West
+    and the West is East.'" _Surrey Mirror._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Alfred Billinger and Albert Robson, miners ... were fined 20s.
+    each for trespassing in search of fame." _Provincial Paper._
+
+Well, now they've got it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In the Metropolitan Police District the employment of special
+    constables has resulted in a saving of five-eighths of a
+    penny."--_Yorkshire Evening Post._
+
+Very disappointing! Not even a whole copper.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of a Dairyman's Association:--
+
+    "It further aims at insuring that the milk-supply for the city
+    and district shall, like Cæsar's wife, be beyond suspicion, and
+    it therefore enjoins on its members the necessity for taking
+    every possible care that the sanitary conditions prevailing at
+    the farms, in the dairies and during the transit of the milk to
+    the public shall leave nothing to be desired. In short, its
+    motto is, in these respects, '_Nilus secundus_'."--_Hampshire
+    Chronicle._
+
+If they must use water in their milk we are glad to think that the Nile
+is only their second choice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Sunday schools must try to 'wangle'--that was, a project
+    their in-to 'wangle'--that was, to project their in-enlarged
+    task, and attempt to do what seemed impossible."--_Provincial
+    Paper._
+
+We would not go so far as to say impossible, but they certainly seem to
+have difficulties ahead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Good fish, fruit, and rabbit business for sale. No opposition
+    fish or rabbits."--_Bolton Journal._
+
+It looks rather as if the fruit might disagree with you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Under the heading, "Musical Instruments, etc.":--
+
+    "AMERICAN mammoth bronze turkey cockerels, strong, healthy,
+    grand stock birds; 20s. each."--_Glasgow Herald._
+
+You should hear these musical instruments throw off "Yankee-doodle."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Servant._ "I CAN'T GET THIS 'ERE TAIL LIGHT TO BURN,
+SIR."
+
+_Country Doctor._ "OH, NEVER MIND. WE'RE ONLY GOING HOME, AND I'VE GOT
+THE CONSTABLE SAFE IN BED WITH LUMBAGO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Mr. Maurice Hewlett's latest volume, _Frey and His Wife_ (WARD, LOCK),
+suffers from the defect of being in reality a long short story puffed
+out to the dimensions of a short novel; and in consequence, even with
+large type--most grateful to the reviewing eye; Heaven forbid I should
+complain of that!--and a blank page between each chapter, it has
+considerable difficulty in filling its volume. It is a tale of antique
+Iceland and Norway. The first part, which is really padding and has
+nothing whatever to do with _Frey_ or his matrimonial affairs, treats of
+one _Ogmund_, who was called _Ogmund Dint_, for the very good reason
+that he had been literally dinted as to the skull. It was done by a
+gentleman named _Halward_. Everybody naturally expected _Ogmund_ to dint
+back; but he was something of a conscientious objector in the matter of
+face-to-face dinting, and being too proud for vulgar conflict he bided
+his time till he could cut _Halward_'s throat with the minimum of
+personal inconvenience. End of padding and appearance of _Frey_. There
+is a picture of _Frey_ on the cover by Mr. MAURICE GREIFFENHAGEN. You
+know already what the GREIFFENHAGEN vikings are like--high-coloured,
+well developed and (if I dare say it) sometimes a trifle wooden. _Frey_
+indeed looked so very wooden that in my foolish ignorance I was tempted
+to protest. But the astonishing fact is that Frey was not only wooden in
+appearance, but in actuality. How then could he have for wife a slip of
+a sixteen-year-old maid that you may have met before in Mr HEWLETT's
+romances? This however is the real story, which (pardon me) I do not
+mean to tell. If it is no tremendous matter, it will at least please an
+idle hour, which will be almost time enough for you to enjoy every word
+of it.
+
+_These Lynnekers_ (CASSELL) is yet another example of the "family" novel
+whose increasing popularity I have lately noticed. It is a clever and
+interesting story--the name of Mr. J. D. BERESFORD assured me in advance
+that it would be--and, when it is finished, the characters go on living
+and speaking in one's mind, which is, I suppose, a sound proof of their
+vitality. Yet in a sense vitality was just what most of the _Lynneker_
+tribe chiefly lacked. They were an ancient and honourable house,
+country-born to the third and fourth generation, and all of them far too
+conventional and apathetic and fuss-hating ever to follow any but the
+line of least resistance. All of them, that is, except _Dickie_, who was
+the youngest of his father's numerous progeny, and in more senses than
+one a sport. How _Dickie_ released himself from the shackles of family
+tradition, how he grew up and bustled things about, and generally made a
+real instead of a conventional success--this is the matter of the tale.
+All the characters are well-drawn, and about _Dickie_ himself there is a
+compelling virility that rushes you along in his rather tempestuous
+wake. I am not sure that I altogether believe in his attitude towards
+the question of sex. He appeared to think generally too little, and on
+occasions remarkably too much, about it. Also the painful detail with
+which the author lingers over the death of old _Canon Lynneker_ (that
+attractive and human figure of ecclesiastical gentility) roused me to
+resentment. When will our novelists learn that, as regards the physical
+side of mortality, reticence is by far the better part of realism? This
+marred a little my pleasure in a story for whose quality and workmanship
+I should else have nothing but praise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _To Ruhleben--and Back_ (CONSTABLE), Mr. GEOFFREY PYKE has such a
+fine yarn to spin of his foolhardy proceeding in walking right into the
+eagle's beak as correspondent for an English newspaper, at the end of
+September, 1914, and (after some months' solitary confinement in Berlin
+and his transfer to the civilian prisoners' miserable internment camp at
+Ruhleben) walking right out of it again, that one can forgive him for
+spreading his elbows for a piece of expansive writing when he was safe
+home. To tell the truth he writes extraordinarily well; one's only
+feeling is that the simplest idiom would be best for such an amazing
+narrative, and Mr. PYKE is too young and too clever (both charmingly
+venial faults) to write simply. When I tell you that this persistent
+youngster, hardly out of his teens, patiently worked out a plan of
+escape which depended for its efficacy on an optical illusion (the
+precise secret of which he does not give away), and with his friend, Mr.
+EDWARD FALK, a District Commissioner from Nigeria, part tramped, part
+_bummel-zugged_ the two hundred and fifty miles or so from Ruhleben to
+the Dutch frontier, disguised as tourists, with a kit openly bought at
+WERTHEIM's, living, when marketing became too dangerous, on potatoes and
+other roots burglariously digged from the fields at dark, you will
+gather that this is some adventure. But I am afraid the publication will
+not assist any other prisoners at Ruhleben to escape. It is pleasant to
+note that the Commandant of the Camp, VON TAUBB, was a sportsman and
+none too thickly tarred with the brush of Prussian efficiency; and that
+the Governor, GRAF SCHWERIN, threatened resignation if a no-smoking
+order, sent from headquarters, were insisted on. Indeed, the fact that
+our young friend was not shot out of hand must stand as a small entry on
+the credit side, not inconveniently crowded, of Prussia's account in the
+recording angel's ledger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _A Frenchwoman's Notes on the War_ (CONSTABLE) Mademoiselle CLAIRE DE
+PRATZ discourses pleasantly and patriotically of sundry effects of the
+War on French life and character. She is excusably proud of the part
+which her fellow-countrywomen have played. The women of France seem to
+have accomplished to admiration what we in England are only beginning to
+understand. Quietly, almost automatically, Frenchwomen have slipped into
+the men's vacant places and carried on the work of the country. The
+industry and resourcefulness of the average Frenchwoman are proverbial,
+but the author ascribes the peculiar readiness they have displayed at
+the present time largely to compulsory military service, as well as to
+the Frenchman's habit of discussing his work with his wife and daughters
+and awakening their interest in it. Thus, when the local paperhanger was
+called to the colours his wife repapered the author's country cottage
+"quite as efficiently"; and thrilling indeed is the account of the
+gallantry of one intrepid woman who, when the German Staff entered an
+important town (from which the Mayor and Municipal Council had fled),
+resisted their demand for a large war ransom. Widow of a former Senator
+of the Department, she "alone remained, the sole representative of
+officialdom." "We want to see the Mayor," said the invaders. "_Le Maire?
+C'est moi!_" was the reply. "Then kindly direct us to some members of
+the Municipal Council." "_Le Conseil Municipal? C'est moi!_" We are told
+that the Teutonic officials were amazed--and no wonder. But in the end
+they were forced to go without the money, and the town and its defender
+were left in peace. I commend _A Frenchwoman's Notes on the War_ as a
+most inspiriting record of what women can do; though the author
+magnanimously admits that, "for the callings of the coal-heaver and the
+furniture-remover," men, even in France, are still indispensable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PEACE WEDDING.
+
+UNIQUE SOCIAL FUNCTION WHICH TOOK PLACE AT LITTLE PUDDLETHORPE, HERTS,
+LAST WEEK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For novels which require a guide to conduct me through them I confess
+weariness, but in _That Woman from Java_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) I found
+the glossary less fatiguing hero. Things were going badly for _Mrs.
+Hamilton_ in the divorce case, "_Hamilton v. Hamilton_, co-respondent
+_King_," when the judge broke down. That might have happened to any
+judge, but, although I can follow the judicial _Bruce_ quite easily to
+his sick bed, I cannot believe that he would, on his recovery, have
+refrained from finding out how the case ended. Apparently being in love
+with _Mrs. Hamilton_, he did not dare to enquire what happened; but a
+more plausible explanation of his unenterprising conduct seems to be
+that he had only to act like an ordinary man and the rather sandy
+foundations on which E. HARDINGHAM QUINN's story are built would have
+collapsed. Here in fact we have a tale in which the main complications
+are caused by the characters behaving with a total lack of what the
+Americans call horse-sense. But if you can get by this difficulty you
+will admire, as I did, the reticence with which the troubles of the much
+misunderstood heroine are told, and also admit that the colour of Java
+has been vividly conveyed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Save the Mark!
+
+Germany's last word:--
+
+    "_Kriegsvermoegenszuwachssteuergesetz._"
+
+And a very pretty word too. But it does not surprise us to learn from
+the German Press that the Legislature will probably have to devote at
+least three weeks to the discussion of the subject which it defines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a book catalogue:--
+
+    "_The Royal Marriage Market of Europe._ By Princess Radziwill.
+    With eight half-ton illustrations."
+
+It is thought that these must be portraits of German princesses taken
+before the War had deprived them of their usual supply of butter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ARTIST, Academy Exhibitor, paints gentlemen's residences."
+
+_Sunday Paper._
+
+Another result, no doubt, of the exigencies of War, but rather hard on
+the ordinary house-decorator.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150,  MARCH 8, 1916***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22993-8.txt or 22993-8.zip *******
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