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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+April 1, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, April 1, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 12, 2007  [eBook #22989]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 146, APRIL 1, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Janet Blenkinship, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22989-h.htm or 22989-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22989/22989-h/22989-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22989/22989-h.zip)
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+      The oe-ligature is represented in this text as "[oe]".
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 146
+
+APRIL 1, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+We are sorry to hear that the PREMIER is suffering from a troublesome
+Gough.
+
+       * * *
+
+Poor Mr. ASQUITH, as though he had not already worries enough, is
+getting into trouble for sending an exclusive statement to _The Times_.
+He now stands convicted by his own party of being a _Times_-server.
+
+       * * *
+
+_The Premier Magazine_ is announced for sale. Is this, we wonder, the
+Powder Magazine on which he has been sitting?
+
+       * * *
+
+At one moment it began to look as if the Admiralty, after all, was going
+to change its mind and we were to have Grand Man[oe]uvres this year--off
+the coast of Ireland.
+
+       * * *
+
+There are rumours that the Suffragettes are now preparing to blow up the
+whole of Ireland, as they find that that little country has during the
+past few days been distracting public attention from their cause.
+
+       * * *
+
+An appeal is being made for funds to enable the battlefield of Waterloo
+to be preserved. A handsome donation has, it is said, been offered by
+one of our most enterprising railway companies, the only condition made
+being that the name shall be altered to Bakerloo.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is so often asserted that a Varsity career unfits one for success in
+the bigger world that it is satisfactory to read that the PRINCE OF
+WALES'S income from the Duchy of Cornwall was L85,719 last year, as
+compared with L81,350 in the previous year.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Association of Lancastrians in London held their annual dinner last
+week. It would have been a kindly and thoughtful act on the part of
+those responsible for the dinner had they offered a seat to Mr.
+MASTERMAN, the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, who is now back in
+town.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. Justice SCRUTTON has fined a man for saying "Hear, hear," in court,
+and there is something approaching a panic among our Comic Judges lest
+some colleague on a lower plane of humour should fine somebody, for
+laughing in court.
+
+       * * *
+
+It has been said that we English take our pleasures sadly. By way of
+compensation, apparently, we take our tragedies gaily. Under the heading
+"AMUSEMENT NOTES" in _The Daily Mail_ we find the following
+announcement:--"At the Scala Theatre a new colour film is promised for
+Monday next, which is to depict in striking fashion the terrors of
+modern scientific warfare."
+
+       * * *
+
+A contemporary describes the production, _Splash Me_, which was
+presented at the Palladium last week, as "a Water Revue." The correct
+expression is surely "Naval Revue"?
+
+       * * *
+
+Messrs. WEEKES AND CO. have published a "Song of the Aeroplane," and we
+suspect that all concerned in this venture are terrified lest some
+clumsy critic shall say, "Merely to hear this song makes one want to
+fly."
+
+       * * *
+
+It is sometimes asked, Are we a musical nation? It is possible, of
+course, that we are, but last week we were informed by an advertisement
+that "the greatest song success of the season" is entitled "Popsy
+Wopsy."
+
+       * * *
+
+A Mr. SNOOKS attained his 100th birthday last week. So much for those
+who say that ridicule kills!
+
+       * * *
+
+Thetford (Norfolk) Corporation have decided to pay their mayor a salary
+of L20 in future "owing to the heavy financial drain on his pocket." We
+think it should have been removed and the cost charged to drainage
+expenses.
+
+       * * *
+
+The coat-of-arms provided for the Metropolitan Asylum Board includes a
+red cross, the golden staff of AESCULAPIUS, an eagle, a dragon, and red
+and white roses. It sounds a mad enough medley.
+
+       * * *
+
+Answer to a correspondent: No, _Wild Life_ is not an organ of the
+Militants.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Our Futurist Pygmalion (on seeing his Galatea come to
+life)._ "OH, WHY DIDN'T I REMAIN AN IDEALIST?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEXT OF THE DANDIES.
+
+(_According to our daily paper, sloppy untidiness is to be the fashion
+this year._)
+
+    I've jibed at Dame Fashion for many a year,
+      Jibed bitterly rather than gaily;
+    And over the follies of feminine wear
+    I indulged in a diatribe daily;
+    But now I must sing in a different strain
+      And praise with a penitent vigour
+    The kindness by which she was moved to ordain
+      Untidiness strictly _de rigueur_.
+
+    Though man from her fetters is commonly loose
+      (For he has the pluck to withstand her),
+    I take it that what is correct for the goose
+      Will not be amiss for the gander;
+    And I have a suit that for comfort and ease
+      I'd always elect to be dressed in;
+    The trousers have dear little bags where my knees
+      Have made them a corner to nest in.
+
+    The sleeves of the coat are all frayed at the end,
+      The seams of the waistcoat have "started,"
+    But I have a weakness for elderly friends,
+      And now we need never be parted;
+    No more when I wear it shall people esteem
+      The bardlet in need of compassion;
+    They'll merely consider him rather extreme
+      In his fervent devotion to Fashion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "BOLTON W. 1, MANCHESTER C. 0.
+  BOLTON WAN. 1, MANCHES. C. 0."
+
+  _Sunderland Daily Echo._
+
+It is still a little obscure, but "B. Wanderers 1, M. City 0" would
+bring it home to everybody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SPIRIT OF ULSTER AND THE ARMY.
+
+(_An Appeal to Both Parties._)
+
+    Still dreaming of the spell of Southern nights,
+      Strange on my homing senses fall the raucous
+    Shouts of Democracy, asserting rights
+      It long ago committed to the caucus;
+    Strange--in a Chamber run for party ends,
+      Busy with private rancours, feuds, ambitions--
+    The legend that the Nation's life depends
+          Upon her politicians!
+
+    Yet two things offer cheer: in Ulster there--
+      Fanatic sentiment, you'll say, and scoff it--
+    I see a hundred thousand men who care
+      For something dearer than their stomach's profit;
+    Under the Flag they stand at silent pause,
+      True Democrats that hold by Freedom's charter,
+    Resolved and covenanted for the Cause
+          To give their lives in barter!
+
+    I see young soldiers, too, who serve the KING
+      (For half the wage a Labour Member cashes),
+    Prepared, at honour's higher call, to fling
+      Their gallant dreams away in dust and ashes!
+    I care a lot for any laws they break,
+      But more I care to see what sacrifices
+    Men still are found to face for conscience' sake,
+          Knowing how hard the price is.
+
+    Ah, Sirs, and must you for a moment's gain--
+      I look to both your camps with like appealing--
+    Must you upon these virtues put a strain
+      Irrevocably past the hope of healing?
+    Cannot some gentler means be yet embraced
+      That, when the common peril comes upon her,
+    Such qualities of heart, too rare to waste,
+          May shield our Country's honour?
+
+                                        O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EGBERT, BULL-FROG.
+
+"Speaking," said my uncle James, "of dogs, did I ever tell you about
+Egbert, my bull-frog? I class Egbert among the dogs, partly because of
+his faithfulness and intelligence, and partly because his deep bay--you
+know how those bull-frogs bark--always reminded me of a bloodhound
+surprised while on a trail of aniseed. He was my constant companion in
+Northern Assam, where I was at that time planting rubber. He finally
+died of a surfeit of hard-boiled egg, of which he was passionately fond,
+and I was as miserable as if I had lost a brother.
+
+"I think Egbert had been trying to edge into the household for some time
+before I really noticed him. Looking back, I can remember meeting him
+sometimes in the garden, and, though I did not perceive it at first,
+there was a wistful look in his eye when I passed him by without
+speaking. It was not till our burglary that I began really to understand
+his sterling worth. A couple of natives were breaking in, and would
+undoubtedly have succeeded in their designs had it not been for Egbert's
+frantic barking, which aroused the house and brought me down with a
+revolver. It is almost certain that the devoted animal had made a
+practice, night after night, of sleeping near the front-door on the
+chance of something of the sort happening. He was always suspicious of
+natives.
+
+"After that of course his position in the house was established. He
+slept every night at the foot of my bed, and very soothing it was to
+hear his deep rhythmical breathing in the darkness.
+
+"In the daytime we were inseparable. We would go for walks together, and
+I have frequently spent hours throwing sticks into the pond at the
+bottom of the garden for him to retrieve. It was this practice which
+saved his life at the greatest crisis of his career.
+
+"I happened to have strained my leg, and I was sitting in the garden,
+dozing, Egbert by my side, when I was awakened by a hoarse bark from my
+faithful companion, and, looking down, I perceived him hopping rapidly
+towards the pond, pursued by an enormous oojoobwa snake, a reptile not
+dangerous to man, being non-poisonous, but a great scourge among the
+minor fauna of Assam, owing to its habit of pouncing upon them and
+swallowing them alive. This snake is particularly addicted to
+bull-frogs, and, judging from the earnest manner in which he was making
+for the pond, Egbert was not blind to this trait in its character.
+
+"You may imagine my agony of mind. There was I, helpless. My injured leg
+made it impossible for me to pursue the snake and administer one where
+it would do most good. And meanwhile the unequal race was already
+drawing to its inevitable close. Egbert, splendid as were his other
+qualities, was not built for speed. He was dignified rather than mobile.
+
+"What could I do? Nothing beyond throwing my stick in the hope of
+stunning the oojoobwa. It was a forlorn hope, but I did it; and it saved
+Egbert's life, though not in the way I had intended. The stick missed
+the snake and fell immediately in front of Egbert. It was enough. His
+grand intellect worked with the speed of lightning. Just as the snake
+reached him, he reached the stick; and the next moment there was Egbert,
+up to his neck in the reptile's throat, but saved from complete
+absorption by the stick, which he was holding firmly in his mouth.
+
+"I have seldom seen any living thing so completely nonplussed as was the
+oojoobwa. Snakes have very little reasoning power. They cannot weigh
+cause and effect. Otherwise of course the oojoobwa would have nipped
+Egbert till he was forced to leave go of the stick. Instead of doing
+this, he regarded the stick and Egbert as being constructed all in one
+piece, and imagined that he had happened upon a new breed--of
+unswallowable frog. He ejected Egbert, and lay thinking it over, while
+Egbert, full of pluck, continued his journey to the pond.
+
+"Three times in the next two yards did the snake endeavour to swallow
+his victim, and each time he gave it up; and after the last experiment
+Egbert, evidently finding this constant semi-disappearance into the
+other's interior bad for his nervous system, conceived the idea of
+backing towards the pond instead of heading in that direction, the
+process, though slower, being less liable to sudden interruption."
+
+"Well, to make the story short, the oojoobwa followed Egbert to the very
+edge of the pond, the picture of perplexity; and when my little friend
+finally dived in he lay there with his head over the edge of the bank,
+staring into the water for quite ten minutes. Then he turned, shook his
+head despairingly, and wriggled into the bushes, still thinking hard.
+And a little while later I saw Egbert's head appear cautiously over the
+side of the pond, the stick still in his mouth. He looked round to see
+that the coast was clear, and then came hopping up to me and laid the
+stick at my feet. And, strong man as I was, I broke down and cried like
+a child."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a revue poster at Birmingham:--
+
+  "I DO LIKE YOUR EYES
+    RECORD CAST."
+
+We dislike that kind.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER CLOSING HOURS.
+
+RESTAURANT PROPRIETOR. "ANOTHER OF THESE NIGHT CLUBS! THEY'LL BE THE
+RUIN OF ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR BOYS.
+
+_Nephew (at preparatory school, to departing uncle)._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE,
+UNCLE. AWF'LY GOOD OF YOU TO COME OVER--AND, I SAY, I HOPE YOU BACKED
+OUTRAM FOR THE LINCOLNSHIRE?"
+
+_Uncle._ "UNFORTUNATELY, MY BOY, I WASN'T ON IT."
+
+_Nephew._ "YOU WEREN'T? WHY, WE WERE ALL ON IT HERE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PEACE-PRESERVATION ACT.
+
+Whereas _Mr. Punch_ has observed to his deep grief and chagrin that
+political ill-feeling in Great Britain has increased, is increasing and
+ought to be diminished, be it enacted--
+
+(1) That no morning, evening or weekly paper be allowed to print
+anything on its placard save one of these three phrases: "All the
+Winners," "Tips for To-day," or "Latest Football"; providing that
+nothing in this Act shall prevent _The Daily News and Leader_ from
+substituting "Latest Free Church News" for "Tips for To-day."
+
+(2) That no newspaper be allowed to announce more than one political
+crisis per week under a penalty of L1,000 for each and every subsequent
+crisis announced.
+
+(3) That Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR be appointed grand political censor, and
+that all descriptive expressions intended to be applied by people to
+their political opponents be submitted to him, to ensure that such
+phrases are properly saponaceous.
+
+(4) That six prominent fire-brands in each Party be deported to Saint
+Helena, and that they be chosen by ballot in this wise--the Liberals
+will select the Tories, the Tories the Liberals, the O'Brienites the
+Nationalists, and the Nationalists the O'Brienites. The Labour Party,
+being specially qualified for the task, will select six of its own body
+for deportation; and nothing in this Act is to hinder Mr. WEDGWOOD from
+deporting himself if he thinks it needful.
+
+(5) And whereas many highly respectable golfers of all shades of
+political opinion have been put off their game by political happenings
+at the week-end be it ordained that a gracious political truce reign
+from Thursday midnight to Tuesday midday, and that during that time, to
+be known as the Truce of _Mr. Punch_, no political crises, resignations,
+refusals of resignations, re-resignations or snap-divisions be allowed
+on any pretext whatever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Yesterday afternoon a Cardiff prisoner who had been arrested on a
+     warrant escaped from the custody of a police officer. The man
+     bolted without the slightest warning."
+
+     _Western Daily Press._
+
+He was no gentleman. He might at least have said, "One, two, three--Go!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLDEST OF THE ARTS.
+
+     [Speaking at the annual meeting of the governing body of Swanley
+     Horticultural College, Sir JOHN COCKBURN lamented that while that
+     institution provided healthful and delightful occupation, for which
+     women were eminently fitted, it suffered from a continuous epidemic
+     of matrimony, not only among the students but even upon the staff.]
+
+    AT Swanley College down in Kent
+    The students' time is not misspent.
+    Some of the arts at any rate
+    Thrive in this Eden up-to-date;
+    And doubtless each girl-gard'ner tries
+    To win the term's Top-dressing Prize,
+    Or trains her sense of paradox
+    (While gathering "nuts" and "plums" and stocks)
+    By taking Flora's new degree--
+    "Spinster of Hearts and Husbandry."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "First he must learn to be a sailor.... Stepping in a small
+     coasting craft, he put his shoulder to the wheel, determining, as
+     many a boy has done before and since, to get to the top of the tree
+     by plodding and perseverance."
+
+     _Ashore and Afloat._
+
+We don't recommend this as a beginning, however. Very often the captain,
+who wants to steer himself, resents an additional shoulder at the
+wheel--and invites you to the top of the masthead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE BRAINY IDEAS OF OUR DRAPERS.
+
+CUSTOMER BEING CONDUCTED TO THE SPRING MILLINERY DEPARTMENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOON.
+
+[_IMPOSSIBLE PLAY SERIES._]
+
+A SUPER-PSYCHOLOGICAL DRAMA IN ONE ACT.
+
+  _Persons of the Play._
+
+  Lord Gumthorpe.
+  Lady Gastwyck.
+  Angela Thynne.
+  Stud, _a butler_.
+
+[_Author to Printer._--Oblige me by reversing your usual practice, and
+printing the text in italics and the stage directions in roman type. My
+request will, I hope, prove intelligible.]
+
+_Scene._--The drawing-room at _Lady Gastwyck's_. A large, low room with
+a mullioned window at the back through which moonlight steals. The
+decoration of the room is Adams', though of rather a self-conscious
+type, as the plan and construction of the house is obviously of an
+earlier period. The furniture is Chinese Chippendale.
+
+_Lord Gumthorpe_ is leaning against the window; _Angela Thynne_ is
+leaning against the Chesterfield, and _Lady Gastwyck_ is leaning against
+the Adams' fireplace. _Lord Gumthorpe_ is a tall, gaunt man, slightly
+resembling the portrait of PHILIP IV. of Spain, by VELASQUEZ. He turns
+towards _Lady Gastwyck_ and waves his long arms with a gesture of
+indecision. He then turns back and looks out on to the lawn. _Angela
+Thynne_, is a large, ill-proportioned woman, with curiously limpid blue
+eyes, and a shrill hard voice like a fog-siren, that does not seem to
+belong to her personality. One is always haunted with the idea that she
+might be Scotch. _Lady Gastwyck_ rises. She is a short dark woman with
+deep-set eyes and one very remarkable characteristic. She has apparently
+only one eyebrow. She really has two, but they meet together in one dark
+straight line, and give her a forbidding aspect. She has a habit of
+walking with her chin thrust forward and her long arms curved like a
+boxer's. She advances upon _Lord Gumthorpe_. He instinctively puts up
+his hands as though expecting to be struck.
+
+LADY GASTWYCK. _You think then that we--that is, that you and I----_
+
+[She waves her hand towards the moonlit lawn. It might be an action of
+dismissal, or an appeal to the elemental forces. _Lord Gumthorpe_ drops
+limply on to the window-seat and presses his forehead against the stone
+mullion. Then he stands up and gazes at her face, trying not to appear
+to be looking at her one eyebrow.
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE (with tremulous indecision). _Yes! but you see----_
+
+[As he stands there the extraordinary resemblance between him and
+VELASQUEZ' portrait of PHILIP IV. of Spain comes home to her with such
+force that she is about to qualify her half-stated implication, when
+_Angela Thynne_ drops her fan into the fireplace. She has moved to the
+seat that _Lady Gastwyck_ had vacated. She is leaning forward with lips
+parted, and her limpid blue eyes gazing at the dead embers. _Lady
+Gastwyck_ recoils as though struck by a whip. She moves to the
+Chesterfield and leans against it, biting her nails. _Lord Gumthorpe_
+moves deeper into the recess, struggling with the emotions which the
+astounding act of _Angela_ has produced. As he sits there, the
+moonlight, pouring through the diamond panes of the window, throws
+rhomboids of light on to the polished floor. It looks like some
+enchanted chessboard. Leaning back and gazing with half-closed eyes, he
+peoples it with fantastic rooks, and knights and bishops, when suddenly
+the strangely penetrating voice of _Angela_ breaks the silence.
+
+ANGELA. _Would it be possible for you two to----_
+
+[There is a terrifying silence.]
+
+_Lord Gumthorpe_ (greedily). _Pawn to Queen's pawn four!_
+
+[He says this to gain time. For the besetting irresoluteness of the
+Gumthorpes is consuming him. "If only she would----" he is thinking to
+himself, rapidly reviewing the salient features of his past life. He has
+not the courage to look at _Angela_, but his eyes wander in the
+direction of _Lady Gastwyck_. She is leaning forward on the
+Chesterfield, her chin resting on her hand, her eyebrow looking like an
+enormous black moustache. He feels his way along the wall, keeping his
+face towards _Lady Gastwyck_. He knows--he was educated at Eton and
+Christchurch--that as the fan has fallen into the fireplace, unless it
+has been removed, it will be there still. Very slowly he reaches the
+grate and, without turning his head, picks up the fan. It is a moment of
+intense emotion. The air is charged with electric suspense. _Lady
+Gastwyck_ moves suddenly, and the rustle of her skirt sounds like the
+rattle of musketry on a frosty morning. _Lord Gumthorpe_ drops the fan.
+He gropes wildly in the fireplace but cannot find it again. Then with an
+air of helpless resignation he goes back to the window-seat. He gazes at
+the chequered pattern on the floor and mentally moves his king up one.
+_Lady Gastwyck_ glances across at him, and it occurs to her that he has
+aged during the last few minutes. He no longer looks like PHILIP IV. of
+Spain, but more like the sub-manager of the White Goods Department of a
+suburban Bon-Marche. She is anxious that _Angela_ shall not observe
+this, and hence makes the following appeal.
+
+LADY GASTWYCK (hysterically and _a propos_ of no one). _A maroon
+underskirt! a maroon underskirt! That would be the thing! Fancy, Angela,
+biscuit-coloured glace with that coffee skin of hers and those teeth!
+You must save her! Take her to Raquin! Let Raquin cut it as only he
+knows how! Let her have---- Ah!_
+
+[She bursts into tears and then stops, seeing that her effort has
+failed, for a sombre silence ensues. _Angela_ has risen and is looking
+at _Lord Gumthorpe_. _Lord Gumthorpe_ is standing with his arms folded.
+He has just lost a bishop in the dim chiaroscuro of the window-seat and
+has not heard her outbreak. Suddenly he looks up, and fixes his eyes
+upon _Lady Gastwyck_ with a new sense of resolution. He advances
+towards her, and gazing boldly at her eyebrow, that looks more than
+ever like a moustache, calls out in a thin cruel voice.
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE. _Why don't you wax the ends?_
+
+[The effect of this bizarre question is startling. _Angela_ turns and
+smiles gently like one who has done one's best at a deathbed, and is
+almost relieved that the end has come. She walks almost serenely across
+the room to the sideboard, and, taking up a piece of cheese and three
+bananas, goes off to bed. But the effect on _Lady Gastwyck_ is
+different, for directly she hears _Lord Gumthorpe_ make this remark she
+realizes that he is a weak man.
+
+There is a pond at the end of the lawn covered with green sedge. She
+shivers. She has courage, but not that sort of courage. She rises and
+leans against the Adams' fireplace. The Adams' fireplace leans against
+her. It falls on to her with a tremendous crash.... _Lord Gumthorpe_
+comes forward and gazes at the jumbled _debris_. He is conscious of a
+sense of despairing conflict--the conflict between contemplative
+amazement and some natural but well-controlled demand for concrete
+action. An appalling conviction comes to him that he ought to _do_
+something. Under the fallen mess of brick, marble, and wood there are
+feeble undulations. A phrase keeps running through his mind--"Expressing
+her primitive virility." He tries to think where he has read it, and
+what it means, and how it could apply to the present case. The
+undulations cease. He decides that the phrase could not apply to it. He
+returns to the window-seat. A new horror obsesses him. The moon has
+moved round. The chessboard has been blotted out. _In extremis_, _Lord
+Gumthorpe_ falls back on his primitive instincts and rings for the
+butler. There is an imperceptible pause. _Stud_ glides in and stands in
+the middle of the room, tears of reverence and respectability streaming
+down his cheeks.
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE. (after an interminable pause). _Your mistress has
+dropped her fan into the fireplace!_
+
+[With a little croon of pleasure, Stud falls towards the fireplace.
+Suddenly he stops, beholding the-fallen wreckage. For a fraction of a
+second the fetters of a generation of servile habits are almost broken.
+A fugitive expression of surprise passes over his face. Then,
+remembering himself, he stumbles over the _debris_ and, groping among
+the cinders, picks up the fan.
+
+STUD (with finesse). _Here is the fan, my Lord. Shall I present it to
+her Ladyship?_
+
+LORD GUMTHORPE. (with extraordinary subtlety). _No, you may keep it. Her
+Ladyship does not require it._
+
+[_Stud_ goes out with the fan. _Lord Gumthorpe_ stands irresolutely
+warming his hands at the fire. _Angela's_ father from Atlantis,
+Tennessee, is heard outside in the hall eating cantaloup. The pips
+rattle against the door. Unable to withstand this further symbol of
+inevitable doom, _Lord Gumthorpe_ throws himself on to the fire. He is
+burnt up. The fire is blotted out. Everything is blotted out.
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Irritable Plus 4 (whose opponent is standing too close
+behind him)._ "NOW THEN, SIR, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THERE?"
+
+_Mild 18._ "ONLY GETTING READY TO CLAP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of a football match by "Brigadier" in _The Daily
+Record_:--
+
+     "Cresswell sustained an injury, and took no risks, but R. M. Morton
+     would have risked going at a battalion of dragoons with bayonets
+     drawn."
+
+There must be moments in these peaceful journalistic days of his
+retirement when that grand old soldier, "Brigadier," wishes he were once
+more charging at the head of his dragoons, with a drawn bayonet in his
+hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORANGES AND LEMONS.
+
+IV.--BEFORE LUNCH.
+
+I found Myra in the hammock at the end of the loggia.
+
+"Hallo," I said.
+
+"Hallo." She looked up from her book and waved her hand. "Mentone on the
+left, Monte Carlo on the right," she said, and returned to her book
+again. Simpson had mentioned the situation so many times that it had
+become a catch-phrase with us.
+
+"Fancy reading on a lovely morning like this," I complained.
+
+"But that's why. It's a very gloomy play by IBSEN, and whenever it's
+simply more than I can bear I look up and see Mentone on the left, Monte
+Carlo on the right--I mean, I see all the loveliness round me, and then
+I know the world isn't so bad after all." She put her book down. "Are
+you alone?"
+
+I gripped her wrist suddenly and put the paper-knife to her throat.
+
+"_We_ are alone," I hissed--or whatever you do to a sentence without any
+"s's" in it to make it dramatic. "Your friends cannot save you now.
+Prepare to--er--come a walk up the hill with me."
+
+"Help! Help!" whispered Myra. She hesitated a moment; then swung herself
+out of the hammock and went in for her hat.
+
+We climbed up a steep path which led to the rock-village above us.
+Simpson had told us that we must see the village; still more earnestly
+he had begged us to see Corsica. The view of Corsica was to be obtained
+from a point some miles up--too far to go before lunch.
+
+"However, we can always say we saw it," I reassured Myra. "From this
+distance you can't be certain of recognising an island you don't know.
+Any small cloud on the horizon will do."
+
+"I know it on the map."
+
+"Yes, but it looks quite different in real life. The great thing is to
+be able to assure Simpson at lunch that the Corsican question is now
+closed. When we're a little higher up, I shall say, 'Surely that's
+Corsica?' and you'll say, 'Not _Corsica_,?" as though you'd rather
+expected the Isle of Wight; and then it'll be all over. Hallo!
+
+We had just passed the narrow archway leading into the courtyard of the
+village and were following the path up the hill. But in that moment of
+passing we had been observed. Behind us a dozen village children now
+trailed eagerly.
+
+"Oh, the dears!" cried Myra.
+
+"But I think we made a mistake to bring them," I said severely. "No one
+is prouder of our--one, two, three ... I make it eleven--our eleven
+children than I am, but there are times when Father and Mother want to
+be alone."
+
+"I'm sorry, dear. I thought you'd be so proud to have them all with
+you."
+
+"I _am_ proud of them. To reflect that all the--one, two ... I make it
+thirteen--all these thirteen are ours is very inspiring. But I don't
+like people to think that we cannot afford our youngest, our little
+Philomene, shoes and stockings. And Giuseppe should have washed his face
+since last Friday. These are small matters, but they are very trying to
+a father."
+
+"Have you any coppers?" asked Myra suddenly. "You forgot their
+pocket-money last week."
+
+"One, two, three--I cannot possibly afford--one, two, three, four----
+Myra, I do wish you'd count them definitely and tell mo how many we
+have. One likes to know. I cannot afford pocket-money for more than a
+dozen."
+
+"Ten." She took a franc from me and gave it to the biggest girl.
+(Anne-Marie, our first, and getting on so nicely with her French.)
+Rapidly she explained what was to be done with it, Anne-Marie's look of
+intense rapture slowly straightening itself to one of ordinary gratitude
+as the financial standing of the other nine in the business became
+clear. Then we waved farewell to our family and went on.
+
+High above the village, a thousand feet above the sea, we rested, and
+looked down upon the silvery olives stretching into the blue ... and
+more particularly upon one red roof which stood up amid the grey-green
+trees.
+
+"That's the Cardews' villa," I said.
+
+Myra was silent.
+
+When Myra married me she promised to love, honour and write all my
+thank-you-very-much letters for me, for we agreed before the ceremony
+that the word "obey" should mean nothing more than that. There are two
+sorts of T. Y. V. M. letters--the "Thank you very much for asking us, we
+shall be delighted to come," and the "Thank you very much for having us,
+we enjoyed it immensely." With these off my mind I could really
+concentrate on my work, or my short mashie shots, or whatever was of
+importance. But there was now a new kind of letter to write, and one
+rather outside the terms of our original understanding. A friend of mine
+had told his friends the Cardews that we were going out to the Riviera
+and would let them know when we arrived ... and we had arrived a week
+ago.
+
+"It isn't at all an easy letter to write," said Myra. "It's practically
+asking a stranger for hospitality."
+
+"Let us say 'indicating our readiness to accept it.' It sounds better."
+
+Myra smiled slowly to herself.
+
+"'Dear Mrs. Cardew,'" she said, "'we are ready for lunch when you are.
+Yours sincerely.'"
+
+"Well, that's the idea."
+
+"And then what about the others? If the Cardews are going to be nice we
+don't want to leave Dahlia and all of them out of it."
+
+I thought it over carefully for a little.
+
+"What you want to do," I said at last, "is to write a really long letter
+to Mrs. Cardew, acquainting her with all the facts. Keep nothing back
+from her. I should begin by dwelling on the personnel of our little
+company. 'My husband and I,' you should say, 'are not alone. We have
+also with us Mr. and Mrs. Archibald Mannering, a delightful couple. Mr.
+A. Mannering is something in the Territorials when he is not looking
+after his estate. His wife is a great favourite in the county. Next I
+have to introduce to you Mr. Thomas Todd, an agreeable young bachelor.
+Mr. Thos. Todd is in the Sucking-a-ruler-and-looking-out-of-the-window
+Department of the Admiralty, by whose exertions, so long as we preserve
+the 2 Todds to 1 formula--or, excluding Canadian Todds, 16 to
+10--Britannia rules the waves. Lastly, there is Mr. Samuel Simpson.
+Short of sight but warm of heart, and with (on a bad pitch) a nasty
+break from the off, Mr. S. Simpson is a _litterateur_ of some eminence
+but little circulation, combining on the cornet intense wind-power with
+no execution, and on the golf course an endless enthusiasm with only an
+occasional contact. This, dear Mrs. Cardew, is our little party. I say
+nothing of my husband.'"
+
+"Go on," smiled Myra. "You have still to explain how we invite ourselves
+to lunch."
+
+"We don't; we leave that to her. All we do is to give a list of the
+meals in which, in the ordinary course, we are wont to indulge, together
+with a few notes on our relative capacities at each. 'Perhaps,' you wind
+up, 'it is at luncheon time that as a party we show to the best
+advantage. Some day, my dear Mrs. Cardew, we must all meet at lunch. You
+will then see that I have exaggerated neither my husband's appetite, nor
+the light conversation of my brother, nor the power of apology, should
+any little _contretemps_ occur, of Mr. Samuel Simpson. Let us, I say,
+meet at lunch. Let us----'" I took out my watch suddenly.
+
+"Come on," I said, getting up and giving a hand to Myra; "we shall only
+just be in time for it."
+
+                                                         A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARTISTES' ALIASES.
+
+An interesting meeting was held at the Memorial Hall last Saturday in
+order to discuss schemes of brightening the nomenclature of British
+musicians.
+
+Sir FREDERIC COWEN, who presided, said that whereas in the last century
+it was the common practice of British singers to Italianize their
+surnames, we had now gone to the opposite extreme of an aggressive
+insularity. He thought that a compromise between the two entremes was
+feasible, by which a certain element of picturesqueness might be
+introduced into our programmes without exposing us to the charge of
+deliberately seeking to denationalise ourselves.
+
+Sir HENRY WOOD suggested that the method of the anagram or palindrome
+yielded very happy results. Nobody could be charged with running away
+from his name if he merely turned it upside down or inside out. For
+instance, Miss MURIEL FOSTER would become Miss Leirum Retsof, which had
+a pleasantly Slavonic sound, while Mr. HAMILTON HARTY would reappear in
+the impressive form of Mr. Notlimah Ytrah.
+
+Miss CARRIE TUBB protested vigorously against the proposal, on the
+ground that, if it were adopted, her name would sound just like Butt,
+which was already that of a contralto singer. (Sensation.)
+
+Madame CLARA BUTT supported the protest, pointing out that, if the
+suggestion were acted on, her name would sound just like Tubb, which was
+that of a soprano vocalist. (Great sensation.)
+
+Professor GRANVILLE BANTOCK pleaded eloquently for calling in the
+glamour of the East to illuminate the drab monotony of our Anglo-Saxon
+surnames. He was quite ready to be known in future as Bantockjee or
+Bangkok, if the sense of the meeting was in favour of the change--always
+subject, of course, to the consent of Sir OLIVER LODGE, the Principal of
+Birmingham University. (Loud cheers.)
+
+Mr. DELIUS was strongly opposed to any change of nomenclature being made
+compulsory. He was quite sure that he would not compose nearly so well
+under, _e.g._, the alias of De Lara. In any case, artists should be
+safeguarded against the appropriation of their names by others.
+
+Mr. ALGERNON ASHTON (who was greeted with soft music on muted violins)
+deprecated all unseemly pranks. Nothing would induce him to change his
+patronymic or turn it upside down or inside out.
+
+Mr. LANDON RONALD expressed sympathy with musicians who were handicapped
+by cacophonous or undignified names. For example, a singer called
+Hewlett or Ball laboured under a serious disadvantage when competing
+with artistes blessed with melodious appellations such as Bellincioni or
+Sammarco.
+
+Mr. BEN DAVIES observed that Welsh singers wore terribly hampered by the
+poverty of their nomenclature. Two out of every three bore the surname
+Davies, and at least one in three of our Welsh male soloists was
+christened Ivor. Ivor was a good name in itself, but it was becoming
+terribly hackneyed.
+
+Mr. HENRY BIRD thought that all musicians should be at liberty to assume
+names provided they were appropriate. But for a composer to call himself
+Johann Sebastian Wagner was to court disaster. He ventured to submit the
+following list for the benefit of persons who contemplated making the
+change. For a soprano: Miss Hyam Seton. For a contralto: Miss Ritchie
+Plummer. For a tenor: Mr. Uther Chesterton. For a bass: Mr. Deeping
+Downer. For a pianist: Mr. or Miss Ivory Pounds. For a banjoist: Mr.
+Plunkett Stringer.
+
+Miss PHYLLIS LETT, in a brief speech, explained that her name was
+all-British and had no connection whatever with Lithuania.
+
+Ultimately, on the proposal of Lord HOWARD DE WALDEN, seconded by Mr.
+JOSEF HOLBROOKE, a small committee was appointed, consisting of Sir
+EDWARD ELGAR, Professor BANTOCK, Madame CLARA BUTT, Mr. BEN DAVIES and
+Sir HENRY WOOD, to enquire into the different proposals, and the meeting
+dispersed to the strains of "For he might have been a Rooshan."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The audience was divided into two sections; the Smith supporters
+     cheered every blow Wye landed as a point for their man, while Wye's
+     friends were equally enthusiastic on his behalf."--_Daily Mail._
+
+With the SMITH supporters behind us, and a SMITH referee, we are
+prepared to take on CARPENTIER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:_Mother._ "WELL, DARLING, DO YOU REMEMBER _ANYTHING_ THE
+CLERGYMAN SAID?"
+
+_Barbara._ "YES, MUMMY, I HEARD HIM SAY, 'HALF-PAST-SIX'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PUNCH" IN HIS ELEMENT.
+
+(_Modelled on the Opening Chorus of "Atalanta in Calydon."_)
+
+    Once in so many calendar spaces
+      _Punch_, appearing on All Fools' Day,
+    Fills with giggles the hours and graces,
+      Causes the hares of March to stay;
+        And the soft sweet hatters along the Strand
+        Remember the dreams of Wonderland,
+    And the chessboard world and the White King's faces,
+      The hamless commons and all the hay.
+
+    Come with loud bells and belabouring of bladder,
+      Spirit of Laughter, descend on the town
+    With tumbling of paint-pails from top of the ladder
+      And blowing of tiles from the stockbroker's crown;
+        Bind on thy hosen in motley halves
+        Over the rondure and curve of thy calves;
+    The night may be mad, but the morn shall be madder--
+      Madder than moonshine and madder than brown.
+
+    What shall I say to it, how shall I pipe of it,
+      Weave it what strains of ineffable things?
+    O that my Muse were a Muse with a gripe of it,
+      Engined with petrol and wafted by wings!
+        For the sorrows and sighings of winter are done,
+        And _Punch_ is appearing on April 1,
+    And a savour of daffodils clings to the type of it,
+      And the buttered balm of a crumpet clings.
+
+    For the merle and the mavis have joined with the "shover"
+      In drowning the day and the night with their din,
+    And all too soon the unwary lover
+      Is walking about in vestures thin;
+        And the "nuts" are buying their shirts of cotton,
+        And, cast into storage cold, forgotten,
+    From delicate necks they were wont to cover,
+      'Possum by 'possum, the stoles come in.
+
+    And soon is an ending of football rushes,
+      The hold that tackles a travelling heel;
+    And the front of the town with new fire flushes,
+      The paints that follow the paints that peel;
+        And the season comes with its gauds and gold
+        When the amorous plaints once more are told,
+    And the polished hoof of her partner crushes
+      The damsel's shoes in the ballroom reel.
+
+    And _The Times_ by day and _The News_ by night,
+      Fleeter of foot than the Fleet Street kid,
+    Shall hurry in motor-cars left and right
+      Saying what Kent and Yorkshire did;
+        And, stout as pillars of marble set,
+        The copper shall capture the suffragette,
+    And screen from peril and heave from sight
+      The maid pursuing, the Minister hid.
+
+    The P.C. comes with his maenad haul,
+      Her hatbrim tilted across her eyes;
+    The cricketer dips to the flying ball,
+      His white pants billowing round his thighs;
+        But thou, _Charivari_, week by week
+        Remaining (I take it) quite unique,
+    Shalt shake with laughter and pink them all
+        With points that puncture the vogue that flies.
+
+                                             EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THERE'S MANY A SLIP ..."]
+
+[Illustration: AT THE DRESS REHEARSAL OF THE NEW COMIC OPERA,
+"RESIGNATION" (AS PLAYED TWICE WEEKLY.)
+
+_Seelius._ "I am undone!" [_Thrusts sword beneath armpit and expires._
+
+_Actor-Manager._ "Capital! But try, if possible, to make it just a
+_leetle_ more convincing."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 23._--In arrangement for business of
+week to-day set apart for discussion of Naval Estimates. That meant a
+problematically useful, indubitably dull debate. As has been remarked
+before, it is the unexpected that happens in House of Commons. Since it
+adjourned on Friday portentous news came from Ireland, indicating
+something like revolt among officers of the Army stationed there for
+avowed purpose of backing up civil force in preservation of peace and
+order. Wholesale resignations reported.
+
+The very existence of the Army seemed at stake. Had mere business, such
+as the voting of over L50,000,000 for upkeep of Navy, been to the fore,
+benches would have been half empty. As it was, they were thronged. Over
+the crowded assembly hurtled that indescribable buzz of excitement that
+presages eventful action. The PREMIER and LEADER OF OPPOSITION appearing
+on the scene were severally greeted with strident cheers from their
+followers. PRINCE ARTHUR, the Dropped Pilot, at urgent entreaty
+returning to the old ship in time of emergency, enjoyed unique
+distinction of being cheered by both sides. Demonstration more eloquent
+than ordered speech.
+
+Questions over, SEELY read studiously prosaic statement of events
+leading up to resignations on the Curragh. Someone had blundered, or, as
+the SECRETARY FOR WAR, anxious above all things to avoid irritation,
+preferred to put it, "there had been a misunderstanding." All over now.
+Explanations forthcoming had smoothed out difficulty. Resignations
+tendered had been withdrawn. Familiar military command "As you were"
+obeyed.
+
+That all very well. Opposition, upon whom crowning mercy had fallen from
+beneficent heavens, naturally indisposed to treat unexpected boon in
+niggardly spirit. BONNER LAW insisted on business being set aside and
+opportunity provided for rubbing in the salt. Lively debate followed.
+Speeches delivered with difficulty through running stream of
+interruption. BYLES OF BRADFORD began it. Breaking in upon BONNER LAW'S
+speech with pointed question he was greeted with savage shout of "Sit
+down" that would have made the rafters ring, supposing there were any.
+Under existing circumstances the glass ceiling looked down
+compassionately, whilst BYLES, after remaining on his legs for what
+seemed a full minute, resumed his seat.
+
+Amid uproar that raged during succeeding four hours, SPEAKER, preserving
+a superb equanimity, rode upon the whirlwind and directed the storm.
+Whilst PREMIER was trying to make himself heard, HELMSLEY constantly
+interrupted. SPEAKER made earnest appeal to Members to listen in
+patience.
+
+"There will," he said, "be plenty of time afterwards for anyone to ask
+any question or to reply to any point."
+
+WINTERTON, ever ready to volunteer in the interests of order, asked
+whether JOHN WARD, seated opposite, had not sinned in same manner as
+HELMSLEY.
+
+"That is no reason why the noble lord should imitate him."
+
+"What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander," retorted
+WINTERTON. Left House in doubt which was which.
+
+Later SPEAKER dropped down on PAGE CROFT.
+
+"The hon. member," he said, "is not entitled to interrupt because some
+argument suddenly strikes him."
+
+House laughed at this piquant way of putting it. SARK recalls curious
+fact. 321 years ago the same dictum was framed in almost identical
+phrase. Essential difference was that it was the Speaker of the day who
+was rebuked. He was EDWARD COKE, whose connection with one LYTTELTON is
+not unfamiliar in Courts of Law. Appearing at bar of House of Lords at
+opening of eighth Parliament of ELIZABETH, which met 19th February,
+1593, SPEAKER submitted the petition, forthcoming to this day on opening
+of a new Parliament, asking for privilege of speech.
+
+"Privilege of speech is granted," said the LORD KEEPER on behalf of the
+QUEEN. "But you must know what privilege you have. _Not to speak
+everyone what he listeth, or what cometh into his brain to titter._"
+
+Eight o'clock struck before turmoil ceased and House got into Committee
+on Navy Estimates. In a twinkling over L15,000,000 sterling voted. That
+nothing to what straightway followed. Getting into Committee on Ways and
+Means, House voted some L68,000,000 on account of the services of the
+year.
+
+After this, House was counted out. In imitation of proverbial character
+of current month, having come in as a lion it went out like a lamb.
+
+_Business done._--Tumultuous debate on Ulster side-issue. Huge sums
+voted in Committee of Supply.
+
+_Tuesday._--Renewal of yesterday's excitement round action of certain
+officers of the Army in Ireland. SEELY promised to circulate in the
+morning all papers relating thereto. To members of county councils,
+parish councils, and the like obscure consultative bodies, it would seem
+reasonable to wait opportunity for studying papers before debating their
+contents. We have a better way at Westminster. Business set down was the
+Army Vote. SEELY explained that for financial reasons it was absolutely
+necessary money should be voted. Necessity admitted, this was done. But
+not till four hours had been occupied in inflaming talk. As for the vote
+for many millions, no time was left to talk about it. Accordingly agreed
+to without comment or criticism.
+
+AMERY struck note of Opposition criticism on Curragh affair by
+describing "how meanly the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR sneaked out of the
+position into which he so proudly strutted a few days ago." More of same
+genial kind of talk from benches near. But as debate went forward
+Members evidently became possessed of growing sense of gravity of
+situation.
+
+It was the Labour Members who effected the change. For first time in
+life of present Parliament they with united front took the lead at a
+grave national crisis, representing without bluster the vastness of the
+social and political force behind them. JOHN WARD in weighty speech
+brought down the real question from nights of personal animosity and
+party rancour. It was "whether the discipline of the Army is to be
+maintained; whether it is to continue to be a neutral force to assist
+the civil power; or whether in future the House of Commons, representing
+the people, is to submit its decisions for approval to a military
+junta.".
+
+Warned party opposite that, the latter principle adopted, there will be
+no picking and choosing. The private soldier has his conscience as well
+as the commissioned officer. In cases of industrial dispute Tommy Atkins
+would find in speeches made to-day by noble Lords and hon. Members
+justification for refusal to shoot down members of his own class with
+whose position he had conscientious sympathy.
+
+J. H. THOMAS, Organising Secretary of Amalgamated Society of Railway
+Servants, put this in briefer phrasing when he said, "General GOUGH may
+feel keenly the Ulster situation. Tommy Atkins will feel not less keenly
+the industrial situation." House listened in significant silence to
+illustration pointing the moral. In November next four hundred thousand
+railway men will come to grips with their employers. If they do not
+obtain satisfactory terms they may simultaneously strike.
+
+"If," their Secretary added, "the doctrine laid down by the Opposition
+in respect to Ulster is sound it will be my duty to tell the railwaymen
+to prepare for the worst by organizing their forces, the half million
+capital possessed by the union to be used to provide arms and ammunition
+for them."
+
+_Business done._--Ominous debate arising on Ulster question. Army Votes
+rushed through without discussion.
+
+_Wednesday._--Sudden dramatic change in strained situation. Turned out
+that SEELY'S guarantee to General GOUGH, accepted as satisfactory and
+followed by withdrawal of that officer's resignation, had not been fully
+brought to knowledge of the Cabinet. Learning of its concluding
+paragraphs only when yesterday he read type-written, copy of White Paper
+published this morning, PREMIER sent for SECRETARY FOR WAR and
+repudiated them. SEELY, acknowledging his error, tendered his
+resignation. PREMIER declined to accept it. In view of all the
+circumstances he "thought it would be not only ungenerous but unjust to
+take such action."
+
+This strange story, told in two chapters, the first contributed by WAR
+SECRETARY, the second by the PREMIER, listened to with strained
+attention by crowded House. There followed debate whose stormy course
+occasionally rose to heights exceeding those scaled on two preceding
+days.
+
+Only once was there manifestation of general hearty assent. Forthcoming
+when the PREMIER warmly protested against "unfair and inconsiderate
+attempts, not made on one side only, to drag into the discussion the
+name of the KING."
+
+"His Majesty," he added, amid burst of general cheering, "has from first
+to last observed every rule that comports with the dignity of the
+position of a constitutional sovereign."
+
+_Business done._--Second Reading of Consolidated Fund Bill, on which
+debate arose, carried by 314 against 222. Majority, 92.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SUGGESTED DESIGN FOR CAR WHICH, BY A SIMPLE ARRANGEMENT
+OP MIRRORS, ENABLES THE SUPER-NUT TO DRIVE IN THE SPECIAL SUPER-NUTTY
+POSITION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRUEL KINDNESS.
+
+There was once a schoolboy who was caught fishing in forbidden waters.
+He knew that the penalty was a switching (old style), and his
+contemporaries were pleased to remind him of the fact. Five o'clock was
+the hour fixed for the interview. The boy was small for his age, but
+brainy. All day he studied how he might save his skin and disappoint his
+friends, and at 4.30 he repaired stealthily to his dormitory to make his
+plans. They consisted of a sheet of brown paper--all that remained,
+alas, of a home-made cake--two copies of _The Scout_ and a chest
+protector, which had been included in his outfit by a solicitious
+parent. By means of the fatal fishing line he attached the combined
+padding to his person, then, stiffly resuming his garments, knocked at
+the dread portal as the clock struck.
+
+The Head glanced down over his spectacles. The boy stood strangely
+erect, and his face was brave though pale. A cane lay on the table. The
+master's eye was sterner than his heart. His hand reached for the cane,
+but he replaced it in a drawer, and for twenty minutes the listeners in
+the corridor vainly pricked their ears for the accustomed sounds.
+
+"Well?" they inquired anxiously when the victim reappeared.
+
+"He only jawed me," replied the small boy; and he wept.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An "agony" in _The Daily Graphic_:
+
+     "Maud darling, did you see my last massage?... Ada."
+
+No, ADA, but she heard about it. Stick to it and you'll soon be down to
+twelve-stone-five again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "In the Italian Chamber, on the 12th instant, there was only a
+     majority of Bill. It is believed that the Giolitti Cabinet is
+     tottering.--_Ostasiatischer Lloyd._"
+
+     _North China Herald._
+
+Gulielmo's casting vote cannot save them every time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "On his motor-trip he never met any cat travelling either without
+     lights after dusk or on the wrong side of the road."
+
+     _Ceylon Observer._
+
+Our dogs may well learn a lesson from this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The bride carried a large bouquet of Harum lilies."--_South
+     Staffordshire Times._
+
+This sort has two stalks, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "WHY HAVE YOU PUT TWO HOT-WATER BOTTLES IN MY
+BED, BRIDGET?"
+
+_Bridget._ "SURE, MEM, WAN OF THIM WAS LEAKING, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH,
+SO I PUT BOTH IN TO MAKE SURE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ODD MAN.
+
+    Jones is a man who is too topsy-turvy;
+      Nothing is quite as it should be with Jones,
+    Angular just where he ought to be curvy,
+      Padded with flesh where he ought to have bones.
+
+    Jones is a freak who attends to the labours,
+      Small and domestic, that make up the home:
+    Pays all the calls and leaves cards on the neighbours,
+      Leaving his wife to be lazy at home.
+
+    Does up her dresses without saying, "Blow it";
+      Pays and forgets to say "Bother" or "Biff";
+    Asks her to scatter the money and go it,
+      Beams at her bills when the totals are stiff.
+
+    As for his daughters, he gives them their chances,
+      Rushes them round to reception and fete;
+    Takes them himself to their concerts and dances;
+      Always looks pleased when they want to stay late.
+
+    Then he has meals which would make you grow thinner,
+      Often absorbing with infinite glee
+    Sponge-cakes at breakfast and crumpets at dinner,
+      Whitstable oysters at five o'clock tea.
+
+    Next he loves laughter: that is, to be laughed at--
+      Every way's right for the man to be rubbed;
+    Grins when he's sneered at and jeered at and chaffed at;
+      Wriggles with pleasure whenever he's snubbed.
+
+    Fiction, in short, in a million disguises
+      Never created a crankier clod,
+    More unaccountably made of surprises,
+      More topsy-turvily fashioned and odd.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CARPET SALES.
+
+(_In accordance with the current announcements of the leading West-End
+houses, and with no reference to Anglo-Russian diplomacy._)
+
+    Carpets of Persia fashioned on Orient looms--
+      Webs which the craftsman's hand with a patient cunning
+        Wrought through the perfect marriage of warp and woof--
+    Such as were laid, I imagine, in Bahram's rooms
+      Where (since their removal) the lion and lizard lie sunning,
+        And the ass, according to OMAR, stamps his hoof--
+    Are selling off cheap, it is stated, for money down:
+    _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_
+
+    Carpets of Persia! (None of your home-made stuffs!)
+      After long years on the loom and infinite labour,
+        Piled in bales on piratical Arab dhows
+    At Bunder Abbas, and brought by a crew of roughs
+      (Each looking more of a cut-throat rip than his neighbour)
+        Down Ormuz Strait through a series of storms and rows--
+    Surely they ought to be bargains in London Town?
+    _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_
+
+    Carpets of Persia! Though not, perhaps, one of the best,
+      Like those which adorn the Victoria and Albert Museum,
+        Yet, since you assert that you're selling authentic antiques,
+    I'd like to have one which the foot of a Caliph has pressed,
+      Or one where the wives of a Wazir (I fancy I see 'em)
+        Were wont to recline, curled up in their shimmering breeks,
+    Or one whereon foreheads were rubbed before mighty HAROUN--
+    _Oh, have you a remnant of Persia for half-a-crown?_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A POLITICAL CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+     SIR,--It has been brought to my notice that at a meeting you
+     addressed recently in your constituency you referred to me, and in
+     the course of your remarks you said that I had employed in the
+     House of Commons the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical
+     hireling." May I ask you for your authority for this statement? I
+     can only hope that your reply will avoid any ambiguity, and for
+     your further enlightenment I may inform you that I am annoyed.
+
+     I am sure I am acting as you would wish me to do in sending a copy
+     of this letter to the Press.
+
+                                 Yours faithfully,
+                               N. Y. Z THOMSON-THOMSON.
+
+       A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
+
+
+     SIR,--How like you to read an inaccurate report of my speech! The
+     words I used--you will find them reported in _The Wastepaper
+     Gazette_ for that week--were as follows: "We must then take these
+     statements of Mr. Thomson-Thomson to be nothing but the blustering
+     artifice of _a_ rhetorical hireling." You will, I am sure,
+     appreciate the difference between the two versions. If you do not,
+     I may add that I am prepared to endorse the opinion expressed in
+     the accurate version and to raise the question in the House of
+     Commons at an early opportunity.
+
+     I am sending a copy, of this letter to the Press, as your reply
+     will doubtless be irrelevant.
+
+                                 Yours faithfully,
+                               A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
+
+       N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
+
+
+     SIR,--I have perused several reports of your speech, and with one
+     exception they all agree that the word "the" was used and not the
+     word "a." _The Wastepaper Gazette_, with which I think you are
+     identified, is the only one which has printed your version of the
+     speech, and I must therefore decline to accept your statement. Of
+     course had the indefinite article been used it would have destroyed
+     any ground for complaint. As you are attempting to evade the
+     serious issue between us I can only conclude that your methods
+     indicate the "blustering artifice of the rhetorical hireling."
+     Unless I hear from you to the contrary I shall always maintain this
+     view.
+
+     I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.
+
+                                      Yours truly,
+                                 N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.
+
+       A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
+
+
+     SIR,--My Secretary was much pained at your last letter. He has
+     informed me of its contents. I can only say that I am surprised
+     that a statesman of your undoubted ability should exhibit such
+     peculiar controversial methods.
+
+     The circumstances are not new. In 1911, in the House of Commons, I
+     find that I formulated the same opinion of you in substantially the
+     same words, yet no objection was then raised by you nor could any
+     objection have been so raised.
+
+     Since your election your attitude on every question has been
+     deplorable, and although I am of the opposite party I may say that
+     in this view I am in no sense actuated by party feeling. This is a
+     matter too serious for the bitterness of partisanship.
+
+     I repeat that in my opinion you have frequently employed the
+     blustering artifice of a rhetorical hireling.
+
+     Unless I hear from you within half-an-hour I shall send a copy of
+     this letter to the Press.
+
+                            Yours faithfully,
+                         A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
+
+     P.S.--Could you oblige me by letting me know who was the originator
+     of the phrase?
+
+       N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
+
+     SIR,--You have totally failed to substantiate the serious charges
+     you made against me, and I am sorry, for the sweetness of political
+     life, that you have not had the courage or the fairness to withdraw
+     them.
+
+     I am glad that we have been able to conduct this correspondence on
+     the courteous lines which have ever characterised our public
+     careers.
+
+     I have sent a copy of this letter to the Press.
+
+                            Yours faithfully,
+                        N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON.
+
+     P.S.--I do not know who was the author of the phrase. But I knew
+     _you_ couldn't be.
+
+       A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE, ESQ.
+
+     SIR,--I have nothing to add to my last letter.
+
+                                 Yours truly,
+                           A. B. C. WENTWORTH-COKE.
+
+     P.S.--I purpose sending a copy of this letter to the Press.
+
+       N. Y. Z. THOMSON-THOMSON, ESQ.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some idea of last week's Parliamentary crisis may be gathered from the
+following poster:--
+
+          -------------
+          |  CABINET  |
+          | SENDS FOR |
+          |  FRENCH   |
+          -------------
+
+Our neighbours across the water were too busy with their own troubles to
+respond. Much better have sent for Germans. Their arrival might have
+pulled us together.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOP.
+
+(_Spring Thoughts by One In Trade._)
+
+    When the new Spring is drawing near
+      There always rises in my blood
+    A keen desire to see the year
+        Fresh opening in the bud.
+
+    From my tame task to wander free;
+      For one brief day to get me gone
+    To some sweet rural spot, and see
+        How things are getting on.
+
+    So, when a rising glass invites,
+      Off by the ready train I fare;
+    How sweet are all the country sights,
+        How fresh the country air!
+
+    Here every prospect has its charm;
+      On every side I find a spell;
+    There is a pleasure in a farm,
+        And (almost) in the smell.
+
+    'Tis sweet to see the pretty lambs,
+      To mark them as they frisk and jump,
+    Or nestle round their anxious dams,
+        So placid and so plump.
+
+    I hear the lark's ecstatic gush
+      From his clear ambush in the sky;
+    A blackbird (if it's not a thrush)
+        Sings from a wood hard by.
+
+    I climb towards an open lea
+      Whereon the goodly cattle browse,
+    And oh, it does me good to see
+        Such oxen and such cows.
+
+    And here and there an early calf
+      Staggers about with weakling frame;
+    It is a sight that makes me laugh;
+        I feel so glad I came.
+
+    The orchard with its early pink
+      (Cherry, I'm told) adorns the scene;
+    While the horse-chestnut (as I think)
+        Is well-nigh turning green.
+
+    So through the day I roam apart,
+      And bless the happy dawn of Spring,
+    Which thrills a butcher's homely heart
+        With such sweet visiting.
+
+    But soon the light begins to fade,
+      And I must quit these rural joys
+    To labour at my daily trade
+        Mid London's dust and noise.
+
+    Back to the buses and the trams,
+      To think on Spring's recurring boon,
+    Especially the calves and lambs:
+        They will be ready soon.
+
+                           DUM-DUM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Carpentier was getting to be a sorry sight at the finish. There
+     was hardly anything to indicate that Jeannette had been in a
+     15-round glove-fight."--_Times._
+
+     "All this Carpentier stood well, and quick as lightning at long
+     range cut the mulatto's face to bits."--_Morning Post._
+
+We think our contemporaries are carrying their rivalry with each other
+too far.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CRAZE FOR SALARIED OFFICIALS-SOME SUGGESTIONS.
+
+1 WHY NOT HAVE _CONTROLLERS OF CONVIVIALITY_ TO CHECK OVER-INDULGENCE IN
+EATING.
+
+2 AND DRINKING?
+
+3 OR _WARDENS OF REPUTATIONS_ TO SUPPRESS SCANDAL
+
+4 AND TITTLE-TATTLE?
+
+5 OR _CENSORS OF PHRASEOLOGY_ TO RESTRAIN BAD LANGUAGE?
+
+6 BUT BEST OF ALL, MAKE _EVERYBODY_ AN _INSPECTOR OF OFFICIALS_, SO THAT
+THE GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC CAN GET A LITTLE OF ITS OWN BACK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COUNTRY LIFE EXHIBITION.
+
+INTERESTING PROGRAMME.
+
+Arrangements have now been completed for holding at the Piscicultural
+Hall, Kensington, an exhibition, the aim of which is to impart
+instruction in the art of living in the country. Such assistance is of
+the highest value, since many persons otherwise capable enough are
+unable to manage rural ways at once or deal with even such ordinary
+difficulties as neighbours' visits, invitations to garden parties,
+dinners, &c., political confessions, the retention of servants, the
+lighting system, the Vicar's calls, and so forth.
+
+HOW TO KEEP SERVANTS.
+
+On this most difficult problem lectures will be given by a practised
+chatelaine. Various different makes of gramophones will be on view, with
+a list of tunes most acceptable to the servants'-hall. The maximum
+possible distance of the house from the nearest picture palace has been
+worked out from illuminating statistics. Useful hints about followers
+may also be gathered here.
+
+CHURCH.
+
+Not every one in the country goes to church, but none can escape
+acquaintance with the Vicar. Hints as to how to deal with him are freely
+offered, and a variety of excuses for non-attendance have been drawn,
+ranging from a headache to Quakerism. Also what to say when the Vicar
+meets you on Sunday morning with your clubs. A list of minimum
+subscriptions to all conceivable charities is on sale.
+
+LIGHTING.
+
+For country householders who are at present burning oil, but think they
+would like an illuminant made of petrol or acetylene, a lecture will be
+given by an expert, who will examine all the myriad plants on the market
+and offer his opinion as to the least unsatisfactory. Diagrams of
+gardeners' burns and other injuries in a failure to master the
+intricacies of the engine are a popular feature. Also phonograph records
+of what certain gardeners have said, in various dialects, when told to
+tackle the new light.
+
+COUNTRY INN SECTION.
+
+Everything necessary to the successful management of a country inn is on
+view here. Among the exhibits are a cup of coffee as prepared from
+coffee and a cup of coffee as served in a typical inn. By studying the
+two the inn-keeper may learn what is expected of him, and how to avoid
+the mistake of serving coffee in which any flavour of coffee persists.
+
+POLITICS.
+
+Here the settler in the country is on very delicate ground and in need
+of all his tact. As the exhibition lecturer will point out, he must,
+before avowing his own political creed, ascertain that of his
+landlord--particularly so if he has only a yearly tenancy. The chances
+are that the landlord is a Conservative. If the tenant is Conservative
+too, all is well; if the contrary--but we had better leave the details
+to the lecturer.
+
+NAMES OF FLOWERS.
+
+A well-known horticulturist has invented a system by which the names of
+flowers can be taught in the shortest possible time, especially as the
+flowers have been carefully selected to exclude all but the fashionable.
+After only two lessons the pupil is in a position to lead a visitor
+through the garden and casually and accurately enumerate every
+delphinium and climbing rose in it. Suitable adjectives to apply to
+flowers are also provided.
+
+DOGS.
+
+Models of the two chief different types of country house--those which
+the dogs may enter as they will, and those from which the dogs are
+excluded--are on view.
+
+WHERE TO LIVE.
+
+A lecturer who knows every inch of the country within a forty-mile
+radius of London will discourse at intervals on the respective merits of
+each popular district. A list of the principal residents in each will be
+available, together with a computation of the chances of a newcomer
+being called on by any ladies with a title. In order to make this
+department really efficient the intending new resident must of course
+give true particulars as to his or her social history. Districts where
+new residents who have been in trade, always excepting wine and the
+motor industry, are not called on, are carefully marked on a special
+Social map.
+
+TAXIS.
+
+A map of England, coloured to show where the tariff is 8_d._ a mile,
+9_d._ a mile, 10_d._ a mile, and 1_s._ a mile, has been prepared.
+
+RAILWAYS.
+
+A careful examination of the railways out of London has been made, with
+full particulars as to the speed of their trains, punctuality,
+cleanliness, warmth, week-end tickets and so forth. Also hints for doing
+the company by old hands. Also character sketches of the station-masters
+at all likely stations.
+
+AEROPLANES.
+
+In order that accidents due to falling airmen may be guarded against, a
+map has been designed for sale in the hall, showing those parts of the
+country over which flights are most common.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OLD CHINA.
+
+    Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo,
+    Let her do just what she wanted to do;
+    Made her processions with peacocky banners
+    In the most regal and lavish of manners.
+
+    Little Wun-lee's father, Nang-Poo,
+    Was a magician who lived at Foo-choo.
+    Now if you possess a magician of cunning
+    Nothing you want should be out of the running.
+
+    Little Wun-lee had all sorts of things--
+    Fly-away carpets and vanishing-rings,
+    Djinn as her footmen, and gem-spraying fountains,
+    And lovely snow-leopards from ghost-haunted mountains.
+
+    Little Wun-lee, combing her hair,
+    Saw a blue butterfly float through the air--
+    Saw a blue butterfly flicker and settle
+    On an azalea's rosy pink petal.
+
+    Little Wun-lee said: "By the MINGS,
+    _That_ for your fly-away carpets and rings!
+    Peacocks and palanquins? Powers and dominions?
+    I'll have a pair of blue butterfly's pinions!"
+
+    "Little Wun-lee," answered Nang Poo,
+    "That's the one trick no magician can do;
+    Never did wizard of land, air or water
+    Magic blue wings on a little white daughter."
+
+    Little Wun-lee, dainty and dear,
+    Cried for a day and a week and a year--
+    Cried till she died of a Thwarted Ambition,
+    And nobody cared but Nang-Poo, the magician.
+
+    Little Wun-lee, little Wun-lee,
+    He buried her 'neath the azalea tree;
+    And the burnished blue butterflies flicker and hover,
+    And the rosy pink petals fall lightly above her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Bloodthirsty Critic.
+
+_The Nation_ on _Saint Augustin_, by LOUIS BERTRAND:
+
+     "The student of Church history will do well to take Dr. Bertrand's
+     Life."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Sportsman (on the way home after dinner)._ "HI!
+LOOK OUT WHERE YOU'RE GOING!"
+
+_Second Sportsman._ "LOOK OUT YOURSELF! YOU'RE DRIVING, AREN'T YOU?"
+
+_First Sportsman._ "NO, I THOUGHT YOU WERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I doubt if Messrs. ASQUITH, CHURCHILL, EDMOND, LLOYD GEORGE, or even
+Colonel SEELY have leisure these days for novel-reading, and, if they
+have, they might be reluctant to devote it to _The Ulsterman_
+(HUTCHINSON). It does not treat of their favourite subject and, so far
+from offering any solution of extant difficulties, adds yet another
+complication to the Home Rule question. Everything from revenue to
+religion having been discussed, no one but Mr. F. FRANKFORT MOORE has
+thought to deal with the love interest. What is to be done, the tale
+suggests, for the young lovers in the North whose families are loyal to
+different sovereigns? _Ned_ was the son of a stalwart, if somewhat
+snobbish, adherent of His Majesty KING GEORGE THE FIFTH; _Kate_ was the
+daughter of a would-be subject of the Divine DEVLIN, and things could
+never have gone well with them had it not been for the intervention of
+_Ned's_ uncle, who had been so long out of Ireland that he had ceased to
+cherish any keen feelings in the dispute, and had been so used by his
+brother in the past that he was only too glad of the opportunity of
+spiting him by getting his son married to a Papist. But there are other
+cases, where no such facilities are at hand, and, if Mr. MOORE'S picture
+is a true one, it must go hard with such couples. What is to be done for
+them? Are they to be told to wait six years and see? I hope not, for
+whatever they might see in the period could have no interest for them?
+This matrimonial difficulty is one, at any rate, which, as all must
+agree, even that reputed panacea, the General Election, cannot be
+expected to cure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I think I never met a book more "racily" written--in a special sense of
+the word--than _The Progress of Prudence_ (MILLS AND BOON). Horses and
+hounds play so large a part therein as almost to be the protagonists;
+certainly they are the chief influencing forces in the development of
+the heroine, from the day when she attempts to purchase one of the pack,
+under the impression that they are being exhibited for sale, to that
+other day, some time later, when her own entry finishes second in the
+Grand National. You will notice that _Prudence_ had progressed
+considerably during the interval. Her early ignorance was due to the
+fact that she had only just developed from a slum factory-girl into a
+landed proprietress. The father of _Prudence_ had been a miser; and,
+when he died in the attic where he and the girl had miserably lived, he
+left her a fortune, and instructions to spend it on real estate. So Mr.
+W. F. HEWER starts us on a pretty problem--how, in these circumstances,
+will _Prudence_ get on? Of course, she gets on excellently; and
+soon is as keen a rider to hounds and a judge of horseflesh as any
+in a neighbourhood where those accomplishments are held in high
+esteem. Equally of course there are men, nay lords, who fall under
+the spell of her attraction; but when I tell you that the
+groom-and-general-horse-master, whom _Prudence_ engaged, and under whose
+tuition she so prospered, was a gentleman who had seen better days, you
+will probably have already guessed the end of the tale. This is reached
+after some scenes of pleasant humour and sentiment, and after I don't
+know how many runs with hounds, given with a minuteness of detail that
+shows Mr. HEWER to be a practised master of his subject. The same remark
+applies to the various meetings at which _Prudence_ (surely a little
+oddly named?) sees her colours carried to victory. Altogether a
+stablesque romance that should appeal irresistibly to its own public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Mailing of Blaise_ is Mr. A. S. TURBERVILLE'S first novel, and it
+is easy to understand why Messrs. SIDGWICK AND JACKSON have drawn
+attention to this fact. For the work reveals a great ignorance of, or a
+supreme contempt for, the art of construction, and its theme is very
+hackneyed; but at the same time Mr. TURBERVILLE observes so keenly that
+I groan in the spirit when I think of so much labour misspent on a
+subject unworthy of his talent. Here we have a boy with the artistic
+temperament born into the house of one _Brown_, a Cheapside tailor with
+puritanical prejudices and the mind of a sparrow. He and his rather
+futile wife were enough to make anyone rebellious; but too much irony is
+spent upon them, and it would have been less difficult to sympathise
+with _Philip_ if his parents' point of view had been more fairly stated.
+After many domestic frictions the son rushes away from London and lives
+a Bohemian life (extremely well described) on the Continent, until he
+marries a delightful and penniless wife. All the marks for charm go to
+_Athenee_, unless a few of them can be spared for their child, _Blaise_,
+who had, or so it seems to me, great trouble in thrusting his way upon
+the scenes. _Philip_ and _Athenee_ were going to do great things for
+their son, but unfortunately both of them were killed while he was still
+a little child, and he had to be retrieved to the bosom of the _Brown_
+family. The change from freedom to rigorous conventionality did not suit
+poor _Blaise_, and I could not be very sorry when he annoyed most of the
+_Browns_ by catching measles and petrified all of them by not
+recovering. Still, he lived long enough to get his name into the title,
+though this, I feel, was a bit of favouritism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Way Home_, by BASIL KING (METHUEN), describes the spiritual
+wanderings of a New Yorker, _Charlie Grace_, destined for the ministry;
+rejecting it, because of his disillusionment through the practice of the
+professing Christians about him, in favour of a hunt for the money which
+alone he finds can earn respect; adopting in business the inverted
+Christian motto, "Down the other fellow before he downs you"; drifting
+in and out of loves clean and sordid; and finally, broken in health,
+discovering the way, through the bitterness of a deeper disillusionment,
+back to an estranged wife; and yet another way to somewhere near the
+faith of his childhood and the peace of resignation. Barely is so
+serious a theme treated by a novelist with such simplicity, sincerity
+and eloquent reticence. Nobody need fear the dulness known as "pi-jaw."
+The story is full of interest. The characterisation, extraordinarily
+careful and balanced, is conveyed not only in description but in the
+cleverly-constructed dialogue. It is part of the author's skill to
+represent _Hilda_, _Charlie's_ wife, with her charming reserve and
+dignity, as not a little difficult and exacting, and so to divide our
+sympathies fairly between the two. There are many other living
+characters, of which old _Remnant_, the sexton, with his queerly
+American business notions of religion and dislike of the "riff-raff," is
+too nicely absurd and human not to have been drawn from life. There is
+very good stuff indeed in this book, which seems to me in every way an
+advance upon _The Street Called Straight_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is all a matter of taste. If you like that sort of book you will like
+_The Great Attempt_ (MURRAY), for Mr. FREDERICK ARTHUR'S story is quite
+good of its kind. But what sort of a book is it? Well, on page 31 one
+character says to another character, "Now listen. Thou knowest that
+there is some mystery regarding the heir to the estate. He is said to be
+in hiding abroad. The truth is that they have cheated him out of his
+inheritance and he can't do anything until he finds his papers." And yet
+it is not entirely that sort of book, for Mr. ARTHUR is evidently a
+thoughtful student of history, and he has drawn quite a vivid picture of
+the events leading up to the battle of Culloden. His sympathies are on
+the side of the PRETENDER and his cause, and he can see nothing to
+approve of in the ranks of the Hanoverians. I am content to take his
+word for the rights and wrongs of the case. The whole matter leaves me a
+little cold. I have no actual grievance against the OLD PRETENDER,
+though BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE is one of my pet aversions; but I consider
+that enough fiction has been written about him already. In the matter of
+subjects for novels I should like to institute an _Index Expurgatorius_.
+It would contain the two PRETENDERS, the French Revolution, the American
+Civil War, NAPOLEON, and most of the other well-worn names and events of
+history, and would remove a powerful temptation from the path of the
+young author. Missing heirs in search of papers I do not so much mind.
+Indeed, I am on the whole fond of missing heirs. But missing heirs with
+an historical background make me tired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR CURIO CRANKS.
+
+_Enthusiast (to diner who has just told a good story)._ "WOULD YOU MIND
+REPEATING THAT? IT HAS BEEN SO WELL RECEIVED. I WISH TO ADD IT TO MY
+COLLECTION OF RECORDS OF GOOD THINGS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Doing the Hat Trick in Two.
+
+     "H. S. O. Ashington, who won three events last year, was expected
+     to repeat the achievement yesterday. He figured in the hurdles,
+     high and long jumps, and if he had not taken the high jump, which
+     he won at 5ft. 8in., the probability is that he would have done the
+     hat trick. His initial exertions, however, told against his
+     hurdling."
+
+     _Daily News._
+
+Unfortunately the absence of them would have told still more against his
+high-jumping.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Dr. John A. Bassin performed a surgical operation at Poughkeepsie,
+     New York, on a boy whose heart was too weak to permit the use of an
+     anaesthetic, and who was lulled into unconsciousness by the strains
+     of 'Highland Fling.'"
+
+To make this story more credible the _Singapore Free Press_ heads it
+"DACOITS IN BURMA."
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+146, APRIL 1, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22989.txt or 22989.zip *******
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