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diff --git a/22988.txt b/22988.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..60913a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/22988.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2076 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, +March 15, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 15, 1916 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: October 12, 2007 [eBook #22988] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 150, MARCH 15, 1916*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22988-h.htm or 22988-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22988/22988-h/22988-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22988/22988-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 150 + +MARCH 15, 1916. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + * * * * * + +The Zeppelin which was "winged" while flying over Kent last week has not +yet been found, and is believed to be still in hiding in the densely +wooded country between Maidstone and Ashford. Confirmation of this +report is supplied by a local farmer, who states that on three +successive nights the cat's supper has been stolen from his scullery +steps. This strange circumstance, considered in the light of the +Germans' inordinate passion for cats' meat, has gone far to satisfy the +authorities that the capture of the crippled monster is only a question +of time. + + *** + +Mr. WILLIAM AIRD, in a lecture upon "Health, Disease and Economical +Living," insisted that we should all be much healthier if we lived on +"rabbit food." Possibly; but the vital question is--would not this diet +induce in us a tendency to become conscientious objectors? + + *** + +"It is most necessary," stated a Manchester economics expert last week, +"that the Government should release more beef for civilian needs." Yet a +cursory view of the work done by the military tribunals seems to +indicate that they are releasing altogether too much. + + *** + +A Chertsey pig-breeder has been granted total exemption. The pen, it +seems, is still mightier than the sword. + + *** + +Some slight irritation has been caused by the announcement of Sir ALFRED +KEOGH that Naval men engaged on the home service cannot be supplied with +false teeth at the expense of the Government. Nevertheless we may rest +assured that, come what may, these gallant fellows will uphold the +traditions of the Navy and stick to their gums. + + *** + +For many days past the condition of our streets has been really +lamentable owing to the fact that so many of our crossing-sweepers are +serving with the colours; and a painful report is going about that the +Government's object in recognizing the V. T. C. is at last becoming +apparent. + + *** + +A prehistoric elephant has recently been discovered at Chatham and is +now mounted in the British Museum. In palaeontological circles the report +that the monster's death was occasioned by the consumption of too much +seed-cake is regarded as going far to prove that our neolithic ancestors +were not without their sentimental side. + + *** + +[Illustration: _Mistress._ "Well, Jones, I hope we shall get more out of +the garden this year. We had next to nothing last year." + +Jones. "Ay--'twere they plaguey pheasants 'ad most on it last year." + +_Mistress._ "If you ask me, I should say it was _two-legged_ +pheasants!"] + + *** + +From a Parliamentary report: "In his reply Mr. Asquith stated that the +'Peace Book' which was being prepared to meet problems which would arise +after the War corresponded with the 'War Book' which was compiled years +ago in anticipation of the War." This ought to put heart into the enemy. + + *** + +The Court of Appeal has decided that infants are liable to pay income +tax. It is reported that Sir JOHN SIMON is preparing a stinging +remonstrance. + + *** + +The Turkish New Year has been officially postponed so as to begin on +March 14th, instead of on March 1st, as before. This simple but +satisfactory method of prolonging the existence of a moribund empire has +proved so successful that ENVER PASHA and a number of other Young Turks +have indefinitely postponed their next birthdays. + + *** + +Up to the moment of writing there has been no confirmation of the report +that Turkey has given her consent to the making of a separate peace by +Germany on account of the economic exhaustion of the latter country. + + * * * * * + +Extract from letter to _The Westminster Gazette_:-- + + "'M.D.' cannot have studied dietetics, or he would know that far + greater strength and endurance are produced by a fruit and herb + diet than by what is termed a 'mixed diet,' e.g., the elephant, + the horse and the gorilla." + +In the circumstances it is fortunate that the scarcity of gorillas puts +them out of the reach of all but millionaire _gourmets_. + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +"HORSE MARINE."--You say you are intrigued about _The Evening News_ +poster, which announced + + "ASQUITH ON A MORATORIUM," + +and you are curious to know more about this animal. We have pleasure in +informing you that it is distantly related to the megatherium, and, +since the extinction of the latter, has been very generally used for +hack purposes. The PREMIER may be seen any morning in the Park taking a +canter on one of these superb mammals. + +"WINSTONIAN."--The rumour that Colonel the late First Lord of the +Admiralty has offered himself the command of a mine-sweeper or, +alternatively, of a platoon in the 1/100 battalion of the Chilterns, +lacks confirmation. + +"PEER OF THE REALM."--We agree with you in regretting that Lord FISHER +was unable to accept Lord BERESFORD'S invitation to come and hear him +speak in your House about the Downing Street sandwichmen and other +collateral subjects arising out of the Air Service debate. You will be +glad however to know that Lord FISHER'S absence was not due to +indisposition, but to a previous engagement to take tea on the Terrace +with Mr. BALFOUR. + +"A LOVER OF THE ANTIQUE."--Your idea of making a collection of +antebellum fetishes is a happy one. Examples of the Little Navy and +Voluntary System fetishes are now rather rare, but you should have no +difficulty in securing a well-preserved specimen of the Free Trade +fetish at the old emporium of antiquities kept by the firm of John Simon +and Co. + +"A SINGLE MAN."--When you say that you are forty years old, that you +have practically built up a business which will be ruined if you leave +it, that you are the sole support of a stepmother and a family of young +half-brothers and sisters, but that you have felt it your duty to attest +without appealing for exemption, we applaud your patriotism. But, when +you go on to complain that your neighbour, aged twenty-two, living in +idleness on an allowance, and married to a chorus-girl still in her +teens and childless, should be free to decline service if he chooses (as +he does), we cannot but disapprove of your irreverent and almost immoral +attitude towards the holy condition of matrimony. If the tie of wedlock +is not to take precedence of every other tie, including that of country, +where are we? + +"A CRY FROM MACEDONIA."--In answer to your question as to when we think +it likely that the KAISER will take advantage of his recently-conferred +commission in the Bulgarian Army and lead his regiment against Salonika, +we are unable to fix a date for this movement. Our private information +is that he is detained elsewhere by a previous engagement which is +taking up more time than was anticipated. + +"BULGAR."--We sympathise with you in your natural desire to have your +TSAR FERDINAND home again, and we share your sanguine belief that the +tonic air of Sofia (never more bracing than at the present moment) ought +speedily to cure him of his malignant catarrh. His Austrian physicians +however advise him to remain away, and he himself holds the view, +coloured a little by superstition, that his return should be at least +postponed till after the Ides of March, a day that was fatal to the +health of an earlier Caesar. + +"YOUNG TURK."--Your anxiety about ENVER PASHA is groundless. The news +that he has been recently seen at the PROPHET'S Tomb at Medina conveyed +no indication that the object of his visit was to select a neighbouring +site for his own burial. Indeed, our information is that since his +recent assassination (as reported from Athens) he has been going on +quite as well as could be expected. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +BUILDING WITHOUT TEARS. + +The enthralling correspondence in the columns of our contemporary, _The +Spectator_, on the subject of cheap cottages and how to build them, has +evoked a vast amount of correspondence addressed directly to us. We +select a few specimens which are recommended by their practical and +businesslike character:-- + +The Merits of "Posh." + +DEAR SIR,--The question of Land Settlement after the War resolves itself +in the last resort into the employment of cheaper methods of cottage +building. Will you allow me to put in a word for the revival, in the +neighbourhood of the sea, of the old Suffolk plan of building with what +is locally known as "posh," after the name of the original inventor, who +was an ancestor of FITZGERALD'S friend. "Posh" is a mixture of old +boots--of which a practically unlimited supply can be found on the +beaches of seaside resorts--and seaweed, boiled into a jelly, allowed to +solidify, and then frozen hard in cold storage. "Posh" is not only (1) +impenetrable but also (2) hygienic, the iodine in the seaweed lending it +a peculiarly antiseptic quality, and (3) picturesque, the colour of the +compound being a dark purple, which is exceedingly pleasing to the eye. +Lastly, the cost of production is slight, as the raw material can be +obtained for nothing, and the compound can be sawn into blocks or bricks +to suit the taste of the tenant. I am convinced that cottages of "posh" +could be built for less than a hundred pounds a-piece; and at that +figure cheap housing becomes a practical proposition. + +I am, Sir, yours faithfully, + +Decimus Dexter. + + +"Stooting" and "Marmash." + +DEAR SIR,--The choice of material matters little so long as it is +properly treated. Any sort of earth will do, or, failing earth, a +mixture of ashes with a little mustard and marmalade, the waste of which +in most households is prodigious. But it must be properly pounded and +allowed to set in a frame. For the former process there is no better +implement than the old Gloucestershire stoot, or stooting-mallot, or in +the alternative a disused niblick. The earth, or the "marmash" mixture, +as I have christened it, should be poured into a bantle-frame--which can +be made by any village carpenter--and vigorously pounded for about three +hours. Then another bantle-frame is placed on the first, and the process +is repeated. No foundation is required for walls erected by the plan of +stooting, but a damp-course of mulpin is advisable, and it is always +best to pingle the door-jambs, and binge up the rafters with a +crumping-block. + +I am, Sir, yours obediently, + +Mungo Stallibrass. + + +The Beauty of "Bap." + +DEAR SIR,--When I was an under-graduate at Balliol more years ago than I +care to remember, I not only took part in the road-making experiment +carried out under RUSKIN's supervision, but assisted in the erection of +a model cottage, the walls of which were made of "bap," a compound which +is still used in parts of Worcestershire. The receipt is very simple. +You mix clinkers, wampum and spelf in equal quantities and condense the +compound by hydraulic pressure. I have a well-trained hydraulic ram who +is capable of condensing enough "bap" in twenty-four hours to provide +the materials for building six four-roomed cottages. I am sorry to say +that the "bap" cottage at Hinksey was washed away by a flood a few years +ago, and the spot where it stood is no longer identifiable. But the +facts are as I have stated them. + +Truly yours, Roland Phibson. + + * * * * * + +THE JUNIOR PARTNERS. + +[Illustration: Ferdie. "THINGS SEEM TO BE AT A STANDSTILL IN MY +DEPARTMENT." + +Sultan. "I ONLY WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME OF MINE."] + + * * * * * + +AT THE FRONT. + +I wonder if the chap who first thought out this shell business realized +the extraordinary inconvenience it would cause to gentlemen at rest +during what the Photographic Press alludes to as "a lull in the +fighting." + +Once upon a time billets were billets. You came into such, and +thereafter for a spell of days forgot about the War unless you got an +odd shell into the kitchen. But now--well, about noon on the first day's +rest, seventy odd batteries of our 12, 16, and 24 inch guns set about +their daily task of touching up a selected target, say a sap-head or +something new from Unter den Linden in spring barbed-wirings which has +been puzzling a patrol. This is all right in its way; but the Hun still +owns one or two guns opposite us. And by 12.5 all is unquiet on the +Western Front. This is all right in its way; but about 3 P.M. the Hun is +roused to the depths of his savage nature, and one wakes up to find +Hildebrand and Hoffelbuster, the two guns told off to attend to our +liberty area, scattering missiles far and wide, but mostly wide, and a +covey of aeroplanes bombing the local cabbageries. This again is all +right in its way, but in the meantime the mutual noise further up the +line has become so loud that Someone very far back and high up catches +the echo of it, and a bare hour later we receive the order to stand-to +at once, ready to move off twenty minutes ago. + +Within three minutes of our first stand-to I was up with the company, +hastily but adequately mobilized with my servant's rifle, five smoke +helmets, (I took all I could see; this is _camaraderie_), a biscuit, the +Indispensable Military Pocket Book (8 in. by 10 in.), a revolver +(disqualified for military uses owing to absence of ammunition), Russian +Picture Tales, and a tooth-brush. I find a general opinion prevalent in +the company that "if Fritz knew _we_ was standing-to 'e'd pack in." Word +must have come through to Fritz somehow, for he shortly packs in--say +about 1 A.M.--and we follow suit after the news has spent a couple or +hours or so flashing round the wires in search of us. And we go to sleep +until to-morrow midday, when the day's play begins again. + +When we had been thus "rested" for some days we went and took over a +nice new line, with lots of funny bits in it. The front line had three +bits. + +_Left sector_--Mine (exploded; possibly held by Bosch on far side). + +_Central sector_--Mine? (unexploded; not held by Bosch anywhere). + +_Right sector_--Mine (exploded; possibly held by Bosch on far side). + +Our position seemed a little problematical. The left and right we +satisfied ourselves about at once, but the centre was in a class by +itself. We demanded an investigator, somebody with wide mine-sweeping +experience preferred. + +About 2 A.M. on our first day in, a figure loomed up through a +snow-storm from the back of the central trench and asked forlornly if +there might be any mines hereabouts. We admitted there might be, or +again there might not. He questioned us precisely where it was +suspected, and we told him "underneath." He scratched his head and +announced that he was sent to look for it. His qualifications consisted +apparently in his having coal-mined. But he seemed confident of +detecting the quicker combustion sort, until he asked for necessary +impedimenta. It seems that no good collier can detect an H.E. or any +sort of mine without a pail of water, and a hole about 2,000 feet deep, +and a pulley, and a rope ladder and a bratting-slat. + +It's true we had some good holes in parts of the trench, where you +probably go down 2,000 feet if you step off the footboards, and the rest +of the stuff we might have contrived to improvise. But for the moment we +had somehow run clean out of bratting-slats. + +So we had to return the poor fellow with a request that all experts +should be completed with bratting-slats before being sent to the front +line. This request only produced the senseless interrogation, "What _is_ +a bratting-slat?" to which we have not yet bothered to reply. In the +meantime if we are really sitting on a mine it seems quite a tame one. +It hasn't as much as barked yet. + +Just in our bit we aren't very well off for dug-outs; it isn't really +what you'd call a representative sector from any point of view. But +during a blizzard the other night a messenger who had mislaid himself +took us for a serious trench. He made his way along, looking to right +and left for some seat of authority until he came to a hole in the +parados, two feet by one, where some fortunate fellow had ejected an +ammunition box and was attempting to boil water on a night-light. The +messenger bent low and asked huskily-- + +"Is this 'ere comp'ny edquarters?" + +The water-boiler looked up. "No," he replied, "it ain't. It's G.H.Q., +but DUGGIE 'AIG ain't at 'ome to no one this evenin'." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Tommy_. "The C.O.'s recommended you for a V.C" + +_Second Tommy_ (_half asleep and thinking of C.B._). "Oh lumme! What +'ave I done now?"] + + * * * * * + + "GERMANS' TERRIBLE LOSSES. + + WHOLE CORPS WIPED OUT. + + BY LORD NORTHCLIFFE." + + _Belfast News Letter._ + +Yet, with commendable modesty, his lordship said nothing about this in +his recent despatch. + + * * * * * + +_The Daily News_ reports the case of a conscientious objector at York +who said he could not take life--he "would not even eat an egg." We +ourselves have conscientious objections to that sort of egg. + + * * * * * + +OFFICERS' INSTRUCTION CLASS. + +[Illustration: _First Boy_. "I say, your dad seems to be getting it +pretty hot." + +_Second Boy_. "Well, you see, this is his first war."] + + * * * * * + +TO THE KING OF SPAIN. + +YOUR MAJESTY, There is a little village in England nestling among wooded +hills. It has sent forth its bravest and best from cottage and farm and +manor-house to fight for truth and liberty and justice. The news of +grievous wounds and still more grievous deaths, of men missing and +captured, comes often to that quiet hamlet, and the roll of honour in +the little grey stone church grows longer and longer. In the big house +on the hill, at sunrise and at sunset, the young Lady of the Manor +stands at the bedside of her little son, and hears him lisp his simple +prayers to God, and they always end like this:-- + + "And God bless Father and Mother and Nurse, and send Father back + soon from his howwid prison in Germany. And God bless 'specially + the dear King of SPAIN, who found out about Father. Amen." + +The kings of the earth have many priceless possessions; they are able to +confer upon each other various glittering orders of merit and +distinction; but we doubt if any one of them has a dearer possession or +a more genuine order of merit than this simple prayer of faith and +gratitude offered at sunrise and at sunset on behalf of Your Majesty by +the bedside of a little English child. + + * * * * * + +THE OLD SOLDIER. + +By a "Temporary" Sub. + + There are some men--and such is Jones-- + Who love to vent their antique spleens + On any subaltern that owns + He's not a soldier in his bones + (_I'_m not, by any means); + Who fiercely watch us drill our men + And tell us things were different when + (In, I imagine, 1810) + They joined the Blue Marines. + + I like them not, yet I affect + That air of awed humility + Which I should certainly expect, + If I were old and medal-deck'd, + From young men under me; + But when they hint their wondrous wit + Is what has made them feel so fit + To do their military bit, + I simply can't agree. + + I said to Jones--or should have said + But feared the Articles of War-- + "You must not think you have a head + Because you know from A to Z + This military lore, + By years of study slowly gat + (And somewhat out-of-date at that), + When lo, I had the whole thing pat + In six small months--not more." + + Maybe the mystic art appals + Unlearned souls of low degrees, + But men to whom the high Muse calls, + Men who are good enough for Smalls, + Imbibe it all with ease; + While where would Jones, I wonder, be + If someone took the man for me + And asked him for some _jeu d'esprit_, + A few bright lines (like these)? + + Possibly Jones will one day tire + Of fours and fights and iron shards, + Will seize his pencil and aspire + To court the Muse and match the fire + Of us poetic cards; + Then I shall mock his meagre strain + And gaily make the moral plain, + How barren is the soldier's brain + Compared with any bard's. + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION OF THE NUDE. + +They scrambled into the carriage in a tremendous hurry, all talking at +once at the tops of their voices, all very excited and very dirty. They +had mud on their boots which had evidently come from France, and their +overcoats had that rumpled appearance which distinguishes overcoats from +the Front from those merely in training. + +There seemed to be about ten of them as they got into the train, but +when they had deposited various objects on the rack, such as rifles, +haversacks, and kit-bags like partially deflated airships, the number +resolved itself into three. + +The compartment already contained--besides myself--a naval warrant +officer, reading _Freckles_ with a sentimental expression, and a large +leading seaman with hands like small hams and a peaceful smile like a +jade Buddha. It said "H.M.S. Hedgehog" round his cap, but when I +ventured to remark that I once in peace-time saw and visited that vessel +he observed with indifference that "cap-ribbons was nothin' to go by +these days; point o' fact, he never see that there ship in his puff." +Otherwise they maintained that deep and significant silence which we +have learned to associate with our Navy. + +The Tommies, however, were in very talkative vein. "Now," I thought, "I +shall doubtless hear some real soldiers' stories of the War, even as the +newspaper men hear them and reproduce them in the daily prints: the +crash of the artillery, the wild excitement of battle--in short, the +Real Thing...." + +A momentous question had evidently been under discussion when they +entered the train, and as soon as they were settled in their seats they +resumed it. + +"Wot I want to know is," said the largest of the three, a big man with a +very square face and blue eyes,--"wot I want to know is--is that there +feller to go walkin' about naked?" The last word was pronounced as a +monosyllable. + +He set his fists squarely on his knees and glared around him with a +challenging expression. + +"No, it's agin the law," said a small man with a very hoarse voice. + +"Course it is," rejoined the other. "Well, wot's the feller to do? +That's wot I ast you. If 'e walks about naked, well, 'e gets took up for +bein' naked; if 'e doesn't, why, 'e gets 'ad for not returnin' 'is +uniform." + +He looked round again and decided to take the rest of us into +consultation. + +"This 'ere's 'ow it stands--see? 'Ere's a feller got the mitten along o' +not bein' able to march, through gettin' shot in the leg. 'E goes 'ome +pendin' 'is _dis_charge, an' o' course e' walks about in 'is uniform. +Then 'e gets 'is _dis_charge, an' they tells 'im to return 'is kar-kee +_an'_ small kit----" + +"An' small kit?" burst out the third member of the party indignantly--a +sprightly youth with a very short tunic and a pert expression. "Do they +want you to return your small kit when you get the mitten? Watch me +returnin' mine, that's all!" + +"You'll 'ave to," said the voice of Discipline. + +"'Ave to, I don't think!" said the rebel ironically; "I couldn't if I'd +lorst it." + +"I ain't got no small kit, any 'ow," said the small and husky one; "I +put my 'aversack down when we was diggin' one of our chaps out of a Jack +Johnson 'ole, and some bloomin' blighter pinched it! Now that's a thing +as I don't 'old with. Rotten, I call it. I wouldn't say nothing about +it, mind you, if I was dead; I like to 'ave something as belonged to a +comrade, myself, an' I know as 'e'd feel the same, seein' as 'e couldn't +want it 'imself. But, if you take a feller's things w'en 'e's alive, +why, you don't know 'ow bad 'e might want 'em some day." + +"Corporal 'e ses to me, las' kit inspection," broke in the fresh-faced +youth, disregarding this nice point of ethics, "'W'ere's your +tooth-brush?' 'e ses. 'Where you won't find it,' I ses. ''Oo're you +talkin' to?' 'e ses. 'Dunno,' I ses; 'the ticket's fell off!... Wot +d'yer call yourself, any'ow,' I ses, 'you an' yer stripe?' I ses. 'Funny +bundle,' I ses, 'that's what I call you!'" + +"Well, I don't see wot a feller's got to do," said the propounder of the +problem, returning to the charge. "Granted as 'e can't walk about naked; +granted as 'e 'asn't got a suit o' civvies of 'is own--wot _is_ 'e to +do?" + +"'Ang on to 'is kar-kee" said the hoarse-voiced man. The setter-down of +corporals retired within himself, probably to compose some humorous +repartee. + +The warrant officer came out of _Freckles_ and suggested writing a +letter. + +"'E 'as done. 'E's wrote an' told 'em 'as 'e can't send 'is kar-kee back +until 'e gets a suit o' Martin 'Enry's or thirty bob in loo of same. An' +all as they done was to write again an' demand 'is uniform at once." + +The warrant officer sighed and opined that orders were orders. + +"Yes, but 'e 'd 'ave to carry 'em to the Post Office naked, wouldn't 'e? +An' 'ow about goin' to buy new ones? That's if 'e 'd drawed 'is pay, +which 'e 'asn't. Unreasonable, that's wot I calls it." + +"'Asn't 'e got no civvies at all?" said the small man, beginning to look +sceptical. "'Asn't 'e got no one as 'd lend 'im a soot? Anyways, 'e +could get some one to post 'em for 'im, an' then stop in bed till 'is +others come." + +"'E's a very lonely feller," said the champion of the unclad; "'e lives +in lodgin's, an 'e 'asn't got no friends. If 'e 'adn't got no clothes +for to fetch 'is pay in, wot then?" + +A gloomy silence, a silence fraught with the inevitability of destiny, +settled on the party. + +The warrant officer, who had been pretending to resume _Freckles_, +presently looked up and suggested that he could go in his uniform to a +tailor, explain the position and obtain clothes on credit. + +The originator of the problem thought hard for a minute. + +"'E isn't a man as I'd care to trust myself," he said rather +unexpectedly, "an' I don't think no one else would neither." + +It was at this point that the man from H.M.S. _Hedgehog_ (or, to be +precise, H.M.S. _Something Else_) fell into the conversation suddenly, +like a bomb. + +"'E wouldn't be naked," he said earnestly; "'e'd 'ave 'is shirt." + +This was a staggerer. One of those great simple truths sometimes +overlooked by more abstruse thinkers. But the owner of the problem made +one more stand. + +"'Oo'd walk about in a shirt?" he said scornfully. + +"Me," said the large seaman, "time I was torpedoed...." + +He didn't say another word; but the problem was irretrievably lost. +There had been something magnificently daring about the idea of a man +walking about like a lost cherub; partly clothed, nobody cared very much +what became of him. + +Besides, we all wanted to hear Admiralty secrets. We sat there in +respectful silence while the train rattled on its way; but the large +seaman only went on smiling peacefully to himself, as if he were +ruminating in immense satisfaction upon unprecedented bags of +submarines. + + * * * * * + + "The architect for the new building left nothing out that would + at all hamper the comfort of those who make this hotel their + stopping place."--_New Zealand Paper._ + +We know that architect. + + * * * * * + + "The _Severn_ was moored in a position 1,000 miles closer to the + enemy than on July 6, which made her fire much more effective." + _Natal Mercury._ + +We can well believe this. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER INDISPENSABLE. + +[Illustration: _Chief of Village Fire Brigade._ "We're all ready. Is +steam up?" + +_Engineer (temporary)._ "If you want steam in this engine you'll have to +get Thompson 'ome from France to show me 'ow to light the bloomin' +fire."] + + * * * * * + +TO MY COLD. + + Lord of the rheumy eyes and blowing nose, + On whom no fostering sun has ever shone, + What mak'st thou here? Didst thou in sooth believe + Thy presence would be welcome? Hast thou come + Thinking to please me--me who, not at all + Wanting to catch, have caught thee full and fair, + And, loth to get, have got thee none the less? + Why couldst thou not in thine own realms have stayed? + Thou mightst have found--I can't go on like this; + These second persons singular of verbs + Are far too tricky; once involved in these, + For instance, "lovedst" and "spreadst" and "stillst" and "gapest," + And thousands more--once, as I say, involved + In these too clinging tendrils one is done; + And so I find I cannot write an ode, + Not even a ten-syllabic blank-verse ode, + In second persons singular of verbs, + In "snifflest" and in "wheezest" and the rest, + For I am sure to trip and spoil the thing, + And bring grammatic censure on my head. + Be, therefore, plural--"you" instead of "thou"-- + Which makes things simpler. Now we can get on. + O fain-avoided and most loathsome Cold, + You with the sneezing, teasing, wheezing airs, + What make you here at such a time as this, + Melting my snowy store of handkerchiefs, + Rasping my throat and bringing aches to range + At large within the measure of my head? + Platoon-Commanders of the Volunteers, + Who now are recognised (three cheers!) at last, + And of whose number I who write am one, + Should be immune from colds; they sound absurd + When bidding men to "boove to th' right id Fours," + Or "order arbs" (or slope) or "stad at ease," + Or "od the left" (or right) to "forb platood." + Even the most submissive men begin + To lose respect when such commands ring out. + Wherefore, my cold--_atchoo_, _atchoo_--be off, + Lest I report you and your deeds aright + To Mr. TENNANT at the War Office. + + * * * * * + +In the cast of The Real Thing at Last:-- + + "Nearly murdered ... Mr. Godfrey Tearle (by permission of the + Adelphi Theatre Co.)."--_Daily Telegraph._ + +A sorry return for Mr. TEARLE'S excellent work. + + * * * * * + + "THE FLOODS IN HOLLAND. + + General Goethals states that he cannot predict a date for + reopening the Panama Canal on account of the uncertainty of the + movement of the slides."--_North China Daily News._ + +It looks like an infringement of the Monroe doctrine. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Artistic Lady (who has just had her drawing-room +redecorated)._ "Well, cook, what do you think of it?" + +_Cook._ "It's a bit bare-like, isn't it, Mum? I dessay I'm +old-fashioned, but I never reely feel an 'ome's an 'ome without a +Haspidisterer."] + + * * * * * + +RECIPROCITY IN FICTION. + +Forthcoming Masterpieces. + +"It is not often," says a writer of what is called "Literary +Intelligence," "that a novelist adopts a living fellow-worker as the +central figure of his story. This is, however, the case with _My Lady of +the Moor_, which Messrs. LONGMANS will shortly publish for Mr. JOHN +OXENHAM. While wandering on Dartmoor he stumbled into a living actual +romance, of which Miss BEATRICE CHASE, author of several popular books +about Dartmoor, was the centre. This book tells the tale, which is named +after Miss CHASE, _My Lady of the Moor_, and it has of course been +written with her full consent and approval." + +But the "Literary Intelligencer" did not know that Mr. OXENHAM is not +the dazzling innovator that he might be thought. Why, even at the moment +that Mr. OXENHAM was serving up Miss CHASE on toast, but always, of +course, with perfect taste, Miss CHASE was performing the same culinary +business for him. For her next novel, to be entitled with great charm +_My Gentleman of the Cheek_, will present a faithful picture of the +gifted JOHN and the figure he cut on Dartymoor all among the thikkies +and down-alongs and tors. + +Mr. HALL CAINE, having just been pleading in public for more War realism +from literary artists, has in preparation a fascinating new romance +entitled _Marie of Stratford_, which depicts, with all this master's +restraint, power and genius, various phases in the life of a +sister-novelist of whose existence he has recently heard. Nothing at +once so charming and so arresting has been published for days. + +It is announced that Miss MARIE CORELLI, who for too long has vouchsafed +nothing fresh to her countless admirers, has just completed the (Isle +of) Manuscript of a story which, like all her works, is epoch-making. +Connoisseurs of literature, always eager for a new _frisson_, will be +fascinated to learn that this novel has for its subject a +fellow-novelist of whose retired existence she has but lately become +aware. It takes the form of a saga and is entitled _Hall of the Three +Legs_. Editions of a size commensurate with the scarcity of paper are +being prepared. + +Meanwhile we are informed that Mr. TASKER JEVONS is at work upon a +trilogy of vast dimensions and meticulous detail, of which the heroine +is Miss MAY SINCLAIR. + + * * * * * + + "The General Manager, in reply, said: Seeing that the privilege + of addressing you in annual meeting comes to me once only in + every forty-four years of service, and having regard to the vast + interests included in this vote of thanks, there might be found + some excuse for elaboration of acknowledgment were it not that + discursiveness is entirely at variance with the habits of the + staff." + + _Pall Mall Gazette._ + +After another forty-four years' silence we hope he will really let +himself go. + + * * * * * + +An Exchange of Ivories. + + "Wanted, piano; dentist willing to make artificial teeth for + same, or part." + + _Edinburgh Evening Despatch._ + + * * * * * + +A Hint to the Censor. + + "To cool hot journals apply a dressing made of 11 lb. blacklead, + 23 lb. Epsom salts, 9 lb. sulphur, 2 lb. lampblack and 5 lb. + oxalic acid, mixed and ground together."--_Ironmonger._ + + * * * * * + +HIS BARK IS ON THE SEA. + +[Illustration: Mr. Punch. "AND WHAT DID YOU THINK OF COLONEL CHURCHILL'S +SPEECH, SIR?" + +Admiral Jellicoe. "I'M AFRAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS. I'M NOT A +POLITICIAN." + +Mr. Punch. "THANK GOD FOR THAT, SIR!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, March 7th._--The House of Commons to-day devoted itself to the +process curiously known as "getting the SPEAKER out of the Chair." The +phrase suggests reluctance on the part of the occupant to leave his +seat; though I cannot recall any occasion when the employment of force +has been necessary to persuade Mr. LOWTHER to resign to the Chairman of +Committees the duty of listening to dull speeches. But this afternoon I +can imagine that the SPEAKER would have been well content to remain. For +there was fun brewing. Mr. BALFOUR was to introduce the Naval Estimates, +and his dear friend and ex-colleague, Colonel WINSTON CHURCHILL, was +announced to follow him. The conjunction of these highly-electrified +bodies is always apt to produce sparks. The House was well filled, and +over the clock could be seen Lord FISHER, like "a sweet little cherub +that sits up aloft to keep watch for the life of poor Jacky." The last +time Mr. CHURCHILL spoke of Naval affairs in the House he was not quite +nice to Lord FISHER. Would he be nicer this time? + +[Illustration: WINSTON ON LEAVE. + +_Bluejacket_. "A party coming aboard, Sir, to see if the Fleet's all +right." + +_Admiral Balfour_. "What sort of party?" + +_Bluejacket_. "Well, Sir, he's got spurs on."] + +I think Mr. BALFOUR must be something of a thought-reader. Intermingled +with his narration of the varied and wonderful achievements of the +Fleet, past and present, his description of the constant efforts to +increase it both in ships and men, and his quietly confident prophecy +that with this sure shield we might face the future in cheerful +serenity, there were little sidethrusts at an imaginary critic. Some +people had been silly enough to suggest that the new Board of Admiralty +was so content with what had been done by "my right hon. and learned--I +beg his pardon--gallant friend" that it had adopted a policy of "rest +and be thankful". But there was no justification for "a certain kind of +sub-acid pessimism that sometimes reaches my ears", and he must be a +poor-spirited creature who, having been happy about the Navy in August, +1914, could be depressed about in March, 1916. + +Then Colonel CHURCHILL proceeded to put the cap on. He has been studying +the problems of sea-power in the trenches of Flanders, and the process +has led him to gloomy conclusions. Suppose the Germans have been +building more ships than we have: suppose they have put into them bigger +guns than we wot of; suppose they were to come out at their selected +moment and found us at our average moment.... The House was beginning to +be a little weary of these depressing hypotheses when it was suddenly +brought up all standing by the discovery that the orator was delivering +a eulogy on Lord Fisher. He was the man who got things done in a hurry. +He was the man who had the driving power. They had "parted brass-rags" +over Gallipoli, it was true; but by-gones were by-gones. Having been +away for some months, his mind was now clear (irreverent laughter), and +he had come to recognise that his former foe was the only possible First +Sea Lord. + +It must have been a little embarrassing for Lord FISHER to sit still and +hear his praises thus chanted. But it is difficult to escape from the +seat over the Clock without treading upon other people's toes, and this +Lord FISHER is notoriously averse from doing. The moment, however, that +Colonel CHURCHILL had finished he left the Gallery; but before he could +wholly emerge he had to suffer the further shock of being cheered by +some over-enthusiastic admirers behind him. It was a pity he left so +soon, for later Sir HEDWORTH MEUX, fresh from Portsmouth, had some +things to say which would not have compelled his blushes. + +_Wednesday, March 8th._--Members wondered yesterday why no reply to +Colonel CHURCHILL was forthcoming from the Treasury Bench. Mr. BALFOUR +made ample amends to-day for the omission. There is something in the +personality of his critic--memories of Lord RANDOLPH, perhaps--that +seems to put on extra polish on Mr. BALFOUR'S rapier when he deals with +him. Who that heard it will ever forget his inimitable description of +the then HOME SECRETARY superintending--"with a photographer"--the +historic Siege of Sidney Street? This afternoon his sword-play was +equally brilliant; and there was even more force behind the thrusts. If +there had been delay in the progress of the new Dreadnoughts why was it? +Because his right hon. predecessor had diverted the guns and +gun-mountings intended for them into his new-fangled monitors. He had +boasted of his own rapid shipbuilding. It had indeed been rapid--so much +so that some of the vessels thus hastily constructed had now been +remodelled. Coming to the proposed "remedy"--the recall of Lord FISHER +to the Board of Admiralty--Mr. BALFOUR assumed a sterner tone. He +reminded the house that Lord FISHER had been accused by his present +champion of not having given him clear guidance or firm support over the +Gallipoli Expedition. Colonel CHURCHILL'S present opinion of Lord FISHER +was totally inconsistent with that which he had expressed a few months +ago: possibly they were both remote from the truth. But it was an +amazing proposition that the Government should be asked to dismiss Sir +HENRY JACKSON, an officer who was everything that Lord FISHER according +to Colonel CHURCHILL was not. He himself would not yield an inch to such +a demand. + +Spontaneous debate has never been the Colonel's strong point. His +oratorical engines are driven by midnight oil. Wisely, therefore, he did +not attempt an elaborate _replique_ to Mr. BALFOUR'S "sword-play," but +contented himself with a brief restatement of his case. + +_Thursday, March 9th._--Prophets swarm in both Houses of Parliament, but +the House of Lords is unique in possessing one who confines himself to +subjects which he has at his fingers' ends and whose prophecies have a +habit of coming true. What Lord MONTAGU OF BEAULIEU does not know of the +petrol engine, and its use on land or sea or in the air, is not worth +knowing. Seven years ago he warned his countrymen of the bomb-dropping +possibilities of the new German air-ships. A little later he pointed out +that it was very doubtful if dirigible balloons could be successfully +attacked by gunfire from the ground, and that the only effective way of +opposing them was to meet like with like. Again in 1913 he dwelt upon +the inadequacy of our aerial defences. + +His object to-day was not to extol his own merits as a prophet, but to +get the Government to act on the motto "One Element One Service" and +establish a single Ministry of the Air. Lord HALDANE thought we ought to +do some "violent thinking" before adopting the proposal, but quite +agreed (with a reminiscent glance at the Woolsack) that we had not made +sufficient use of lighter-than-air machines. That was Lord BERESFORD'S +view, too; we must oppose Zeps to Zeps. Then, having evidently done some +violent thinking over the recent debate in the Commons he launched out +into a wholly irrelevant attack upon Colonel CHURCHILL for trying to +create anxiety about the Fleet, and appealed to Lord FISHER (who was not +present though Lord BERESFORD had particularly invited him) to repudiate +the agitation conducted by the honourable Member for DUNDEE, a few +newspapers and twenty sandwichmen. Lord LANSDOWNE subsequently noted +that this most irregular digression appeared to be "not wholly +distasteful" to the peers assembled. Turning to Lord MONTAGU'S proposal +he pointed out that the Government had gone some way to meet it by +setting up Lord DERBY'S Committee. But, though prepared to see the +Cabinet increased to a round couple of dozen, he was not convinced that +the only way to remove imperfections was to appoint a new Minister to +deal with them. + +It seems probable therefore that there is no truth in the report that +Colonel CHURCHILL has been asked to join the Government as Minister of +Admonitions. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy (who is learning every minute about barbed-wire +defences)._ "When I gets home, no more perishin' cats shall ever get +into my back garden."] + + * * * * * + +Painful Accident to a Clergyman. + + "While the Rev. Mr. Stulting was camping out one of his calves + was attacked and stung to death by a passing swarm of bees." + + _Cape Argus._ + + * * * * * + +Sir THOMAS MACKENZIE, as reported by _The East Anglian Daily Times_:-- + + "I now think it is time you intermingled with your affairs a + little of the wisdom of the sergent instead of the dove-like + kindness which you have showed to the Germans in the past." + +There is a strong feeling among our N.C.O.'s that this is sound advice. + + * * * * * + + "Lord Strachie asked in the House of Lords yesterday whether the + Government proposed to restrict the importation of hope." + + _Evening Paper._ + +We understand that the answer was in the negative, as, owing to the +activity of pessimists, there is still some shortage in the home-grown +supplies. + + * * * * * + +THE RECONCILIATION. + +[It is thought that the following story may have been intended for the +"Organ of Organs" (R.A.M.C.)]. + +Charles, the young Army Medical, went down on one patella. His heart (a +hollow muscular pump) was driving blood from its ventricles as it had +never yet driven it in all its twenty-five years of incessant labour. +Further, by flattening the arch of his diaphragm and elevating his ribs +and sternum, Charles was increasing the cavity of his thorax and taking +in air. Immediately the diaphragm and the sternum and costal cartilages +relaxed again the air escaped. The lungs of Charles were doing their +work. Fast and yet faster became his breathing. + +"Mabel," he murmured, "Mabel!" + +The girl made no movement. Her respiration continued, but no impulse to +action reached her nerve-centres. Yet, without an effort on her part, +her tissues in one minute produced enough heat to boil one twenty-fourth +of a pint of water. + +"Wonderful!" he whispered hoarsely, probably thinking of this, "you are +wonderful." + +You will not marvel that his voice was gruff when I tell you that the +membrane of the larynx was inflamed. Greater men than Charles have +become hoarse in such circumstances. + +Immediately the blood rushed to the capillaries of Mabel's cheeks and +her colour deepened. She trembled slightly. + +"There, that's it!" he cried, gazing rapturously. + +"What?" she gasped, startled by his passion. + +"Again that artery below your ear is throbbing, throbbing, and"--his +voice rose in despair--"I can never remember the name! Can you?" + +"Alas," she moaned, "I do not know it! Oh, Charles, there is something I +must tell you at once." + +"What is it?" he cried with sudden fear. "What is it?" + +"Why, I--I----Oh, I do not know how to say it. Charles, you will never +forgive me!" + +"What is it, dearest? Tell me--you can trust me. The medical +profession----" + +"Well, then, I tried to bandage little Johnny's foot yesterday, +and--and----" + +"Calm yourself, dear. And----?" + +"I tied a 'granny' knot. Oh, Charles, _don't_ be angry. I _know_ it +ought to have been a 'reef'!" + +He looked about him dully, like a man stunned. + +"Charles," she moaned, "listen! After all, I put it on the wrong foot." + +He started violently. + +"Mabel," he cried, "you are sure? Then I will not let you go. Had you +tied that 'granny' knot on the right foot, I--we--as an R.A.M.C. man, +I----" + +She clung to him sobbingly. + +"Charles, oh Charles," she panted, "you have proved it to me. You love +me! (Is my heart throbbing now?) You love me and it will break for joy!" + +The phalanges and the metacarpal bones of her left hand clicked together +as if in sympathy as she flung it to her side. + +Again her cerebrum flashed its joyful message, so that she repeated, "My +heart!" + +At the word Charles, the R.A.M.C. man, rose from his patella and placed +his hands firmly on his femur bones. + +His whole bearing had changed. + +"This," he said slowly and ringingly, "is the end. When I entered this +room I loved you--I admit it. But--you have deceived me! Look at that +hand! It is covering--what? The floating costae! Your heart is not where +you would have me believe. It is fully three inches higher and more to +the right. That is not a small matter, or one with which you should +trifle as you do. But you have deceived me in a greater than that." + +"Oh, what is it? What have I done?" sobbed Mabel hysterically. + +"The greater matter," continued Charles in trumpet tones, "is that _the +heart is not the seat of the emotions at all_. I can only conclude that +your agitation was feigned. I wish you good-day, Madam." + +He had reached the door when she cried aloud. + +"Charles!" + +An urgent message from Charles's cerebellum, delivered to certain motor +nerves by way of the spinal cord, disposed him to turn on his heel. + +He waited in silence. + +"Charles dearest, if it was the wrong place, and I didn't cover my heart +after all, why, Charles, remember Johnny's foot and be logical!" + +She was there before him, glorious, and Charles stood dazzled. + +"You are right!" he cried. "Mabel! If you _had_ covered your heart!!" + +"Charles!!!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Householder (with the Zeppelin obsession)._ + +"Ah, I Like the Snow. It Reduces The Menace From Above."] + +[Illustration: !!!!!!] + + * * * * * + + "Yesterday between Forges and Bethincourt, west of the Meuse, + the enemy made use of suffocating gas, but did not attack with + infancy."--_Timaru Herald (N.Z.)._ + +We are glad to have this evidence that the Huns have given up using +children to screen their advances. + + * * * * * + + "Plagues of rates have appeared at Pinsk, and in the British + trenches." + + _Buenos Ayres Herald._ + +Even at home we have not entirely escaped the epidemic. + + * * * * * + + "Floating Baby Found Unarmed." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +Had the Huns known of its defenceless condition they would never have +allowed it to escape. + + * * * * * + + "'Like a poet, a geographer is born, not mad,' once wrote Sir + Clements Markham." + + _Times of India._ + +Some poets will be greatly relieved by this doctrine. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Oldest Inhabitant (finally)._ "I tell 'ee I bain't goin' +outside the door. Why, what'd folks think of me with no badge, nor +harmlet, nor nothin'?"] + + * * * * * + +LINES TO AN OLD FRIEND. + +[Dr. GEORGE PERNET, in a recent treatise on "The Health of the Skin," +discusses the continued decline in the popularity of the tall hat.] + + O emblem of British decorum, + Whose vogue, for a century back, + In the Mart, in the House or the Forum + Few dared to impugn or attack; + 'Tis sad, though the best of our bankers + Refuse to allow such a lapse, + That our youth irrepressibly hankers + For straws and for caps. + + _Mr. Seagram_, in _Masterman Ready_, + Is pictured in many a hole, + And in postures however unsteady, + With his chimney-pot hat on his poll; + And our highly respected grand-paters, + When wielding their golf-clubs or bats, + Or proving their prowess as skaters, + Wore cylinder hats. + + Worn straight by the priggish or surly + Thou didst not enthuse or beguile; + But tilted a little and curly + Of brim--how seductive thy style! + And never was pride that is proper + Sartorially better expressed + Than when an immaculate topper + Sat light on one's crest. + + The cult of the bicycle, tending + To foster a laxer array, + And the motor, its influence lending, + Both seriously threatened thy sway; + But the War, most unfairly combining + The motives of comfort and thrift, + Thy glory, so sleek and so shining, + Has finally biffed. + + Yet I cannot observe thy dethroning + Or watch thy effulgence depart + Without unaffectedly owning + A pang of regret in my heart. + I know thou wast stuffy, non-porous, + Unstable, top-heavy and hot; + But O! thou wast grimly decorous; + The bowler is not. + + * * * * * + +Agreed. + + "Original and inspiring as are Mr. Chesterton's writings, the + man is very much bigger than his works."--_Everyman._ + + * * * * * + + "TOWN PLUNGED IN DARKNESS. + + Population Warned by Syrens and buzzards." + + _Evening Paper._ + +"_Our_ little town," writes the correspondent who sends us the above +cutting, "was warned by dryads and wombats." And of course there is the +well-known case of the Roman geese and the Capitol. + + * * * * * + + "Organist (willing to help train choir) wanted for country + parish. Might suit clergyman's daughter."--_Church Times._ + +He might, no doubt; but it is not safe to count on these affinities. + + * * * * * + + "The Manchester City Council on Wednesday decided to accept the + free use of Professor W. B. Bottomley's patients for the + conversion of raw peat by means of bacteria." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +If we were the patients we should make a small charge for the loan of +the germs. + + * * * * * + + "There has been a naval skirmish in the Baltic, where the + elusive Goeben has been engaged by the Russians with the usual + result--the escape of the fugitive battle-cruiser behind the + mined defences of the Bosphorus." + + _The Dominion (Wellington, N.Z.)_ + +It must have been a fine sight to see this elusive vessel jump right +across Russia and back again. + + * * * * * + + "The _Cologne Gazette_, referring to the simplicity of character + displayed by King Ferdinand of Bulgaria, says that frequently + when walking about the streets of Sofia he purchases a sausage + from a stall and eats it with his fingers as he passes along. + Latest advices say he is slowly recovering from his illness." + + _Daily Express._ + +It might have been much worse if he had eaten the sausage with his +mouth. + + * * * * * + +A FLAT OVERTURE. + +I. + +_3, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 1st._ + +Mrs. Sleight-Spender presents her compliments to Mrs. Crichton and would +be obliged if she would prevent what is evidently a schoolroom piano +being practised late at night, as it is most disturbing when one has +friends. + + +II. + +_7, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 1st._ + +Mrs. Crichton presents her compliments to Mrs. Sleight-Spender and would +willingly oblige her, but having neither a schoolroom nor a piano in her +flat she finds a difficulty in doing so. Possibly if Mrs. +Sleight-Spender addressed her remonstrance to No. 12, she would discover +the cause of her complaint and might thereby earn the thanks of her +neighbours by inducing Mr. Bogloffsksy to practise less for his +concerts. + + +III. + +_3, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 2nd._ + +Dear Mr. BOGLOFFSKY,--Please forgive me for writing on the impulse of +the moment in this unconventional way, but I have only just discovered +that we are neighbours, for the Directory confirms what the unmistakable +tones of a certain piano had long led me to suspect. + +Will you very kindly waive all ceremony and join us at a friendly little +dinner on the 10th, at 7.30? + +Yours sincerely, + +Editha Sleight-Spender. + + +IV. + +_12, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 2nd._ + +Dear MRS. SLEIGHT-SPENDER,--Your amiable letter leaves me nothing but +pleasure. My poor company shall be agreeable to join your hospitable +family. + +With respect, I am, Yours sincere, + +Serge Bogloffsky. + + +V. + +_From Miss Isolt Sleight-Spender to Miss Marjorie Browne._ + +(Extract.) + +... Oh, my dear, don't reproach me for not having run round. We are +simply off our heads. Bogloffsky--_the_ Bogloffsky--is coming to dinner +on Friday next, and the Mudder and I have been simply _tearing_. Even +the Sticklers have accepted, and we hope to get Sir Henry Say, as the +Dudder met him once at a City dinner. Of course _I_ shall have to play +something first. Pity me!.... + + +VI. + +_From Mrs. Sleight-Spender to Messrs. Rosewood and Sons. March. 3rd._ + +Mrs. Sleight-Spender requires the use of a _very_ good piano on the +10th. It must be a _grand_, as it is for Mr. Bogloffsky. Under the +circumstances Mrs. Sleight-Spender supposes there will be only a nominal +charge, if any. + + +VII. + +_From Sir Henry Say to Cuthbert Haddington. March 11th._ + +My dear Bertie,--Last night I skimmed some of the cream of life, and +incidentally got an idea for a _lever de rideau_, of which I make you a +present. + +Far be it from me to glean from the crop of trouble of a man whose salt +I have eaten, but the situation was a gift from the gods, which I will +not spoil on a sheet of notepaper. When have you a free evening? + +Always, Harry. + + +VIII. + +_From Miss Isolt Sleight-Spender to Miss Marjorie Browne._ + +(Extract.) + +... The Mudder is quite ill. It is all through that woman at No. 7. It +must be because we didn't call on her. But what an evening ruined! +Bogloffsky behaved like a perfect _pig_ and wouldn't play a note after +all the trouble he put us to; and when we got up from the table they say +he sniffed at his coffee and pulled some out of his pocket and rubbed it +in his hands to make the others smell the difference. Did you ever hear +of such a thing?.... + + +IX. + +_From Serge Bogloffsky to Stepan Bogloffsky, Moscow._ + +(Translation.) + +_March_ 11th, + +My Brother,--The Mazurka has been found beneath the lid of thy +pianoforte and is already despatched to thee--that pianoforte, alas! +which must now remain silent until thy longed-for return. Greet the +worthy Moschki and request him urgently to send the samples of tea, as I +have now an opportunity with a wealthy family which may make great +business. + +That thy affairs prosper is my prayer. All the family embrace thee. + +Serge. + + * * * * * + + "The gunlayer's eye followed it through the air, saw it splash + into the sea three hundred yards short of the target, and swore + softly."--_Answers._ + +The gunlayer would seem to have an eloquent eye. + + * * * * * + +A SOLDIER POLITICIAN. + +A Biographical Note. + +Considerable promise was shown in the speech delivered before the House +of Commons last week by Colonel CHURCHILL. His utterance had the effect +of instantly lifting that gallant gentleman from the obscurity of life +"somewhere in France" to something approaching notoriety. Surely few +soldiers have discovered such a gift of dialectical skill; and the Army +must feel proud to learn that it possesses an officer who shows himself +to be as able in the realm of politics as in the profession of arms. + +Colonel CHURCHILL'S sensational _tour de force_ has aroused a natural +interest in his personality. He is still a young man, being only just on +the wrong side of forty. In choosing a military career he responded to +hereditary impulse, for he is a direct descendant of that great military +genius, the Duke of MARLBOROUGH. He entered the army in 1895, when +little more than a boy. After seeing service in Cuba and India he fought +in the Egyptian Campaign of 1898, and in a journalistic capacity took +part in the South African War, the news of his capture being received in +this country with much feeling. To his skill as a soldier Colonel +CHURCHILL adds no small ability as a writer, and has published more than +one book that has attracted favourable notice. + +Following upon his remarkable speech of the other night, there has been +some discussion as to whether Colonel CHURCHILL will definitely take up +a political career, or return to the trenches. We have it on good +authority that an old friend, Sir HEDWORTH MEUX, strongly advises him +not to sacrifice his military prospects. On the other hand, his +colleagues at the Front feel that in the national interest they are +prepared to do their best without him, in view of the benefit likely to +accrue from his remaining at home. In any case it is confidently +asserted by those who know him that Colonel CHURCHILL has gone far +towards making a name for himself, and that he is likely to go further +still if the opportunity is given to him. His future is certain to be +watched with interest. + + * * * * * + +The Delay Before Verdun. + +Bosch (quoting "_unser_ Shakspeare"): + + "If it Verdun ven 'tis done, then 't vere vell it Verdun + quickly."--_Macbeth, Act_ I. 7. + + * * * * * + +Music for Conscientious Objectors. + + "St. George's Cathedral.--Anthem, 'I was slack when they said + unto me' (Elvey)." + + _Cape Times._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "Keep yer dressin' by the left there! Blimey! +you don't want N.C.O.'s--what you want is a bloomin' sheep-dog!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.) + +I never open a book by Mr. ROBERT HALIFAX without a feeling of pleasant +anticipation, nor close one without a sense of quickened sympathy for my +fellow-mortals, especially those of them who dwell in Camden Town. His +latest story, _The Right to Love_ (METHUEN), finds him again on familiar +ground; but the inhabitants of Widdiford Street have all the freshness +of real human beings. Perhaps more than its predecessors _The Right to +Love_ is a story with a purpose and a moral; in it Mr. HALIFAX has +illustrated by two groups of characters the vexed question of marriage +failures and the hard lot of the unwanted woman. But do not suppose that +these characters are merely "cases." On the contrary, it is because they +are realized as understandable creations of flesh and blood that the +disasters of _Norah_ and _Tom Spain_ and the tragedy of _Letty +Summerbee's_ enforced spinsterhood move one to so personal a concern. +From the moment when _Norah_ and _Tom_ enter their little house after +the short honeymoon to that in which the tormented young wife finally +leaves her worthless husband for the protection (word rightly used) of +his long-suffering friend one is made to feel that exactly thus and thus +the affair happened, and is happening to like persons every day. As for +_Letty_, with her restraint, her practical helpfulness and her +occasional outbursts of emotion thwarted and suppressed, she is a type +only too convincing. Perhaps one might object that Mr. HALIFAX brings an +indictment against society without suggesting any practical remedy. Also +that--as I have noticed before--his humorous characters have a tendency +to edge away from the rest into the regions of farce. But for all that +_The Right to Love_ remains a simple, sincere and very moving study. + + * * * * * + +I like the remark that General JOFFRE made, not to the horse-marines, +but to the remnants of the six thousand _Fusiliers Marins_ who made up +the Naval Brigade at Dixmude in November, 1914. "You are my best +infantrymen," he told them; and, if you want to know why, all you have +to do is read _Dixmude_ (HEINEMANN), by CHARLES LE GOFFIC. For four +weeks, shrapnel to right of them, "saucepans" to left of them, volleyed +and thundered, and for four weeks the six thousand stood in the valley +of death at Dixmude and held up six times as many Boches, who came on, +as one of them said, like bugs. Forty thousand was the estimate of the +number of these marines formed by a German major who was one of their +prisoners; when he learnt that they were only six he wept with rage and +muttered, "Ah, if we had only known!" Dixmude was not quite such a big +affair as Verdun, but the men who held the town, "the young ladies with +the red pompoms" on their caps, were first cousins to our own Jack Tars. +Bretons or Britons, there is nothing to choose between them. Sailors +all, they are the salt of the sea; and this fascinating and +circumstantial epic of the French marines is not at all an exaggerated +picture of the cheery courage and endurance of the Breton fisherman. + + * * * * * + +_Sussex Gorse_ (NISBET) is a story about the fight between man and +nature. It is told by Miss SHEILA KAYE-SMITH with considerable power and +a quickening touch of symbolism that lifts it into romance. The ambition +of _Reuben Backfield_ was to enlarge the Sussex farm that he had +inherited from his easy-going father till its bounds should include a +certain coveted moor. The book shows how his entire life was spent in +the achievement of this end; how for it he sacrificed his own ease, and +the happiness of his brother, his two wives and his many children, and +how finally he triumphed, and in his lonely old age, seeing the desired +acres all his own, was content. It is a grim book, with only now and +then a touch of suggested poetry to save it from being uniformly sordid +and depressing. As it is, the long unsparing struggle takes somehow the +dignity of an epic. Only one of _Reuben's_ many sons makes any success +out of life--_Richard_, who becomes a barrister, and treats his father +to occasional visits of curiosity and amused patronage. There is a +chapter of cynical humour in which the intolerant contemptuous old +rustic is confronted by the art-loving triflers who gather in his son's +drawing-room. Otherwise he is alone. "There's no one gone from here as +has ever come back!" But I was glad that Miss KAYE-SMITH had the courage +to play fair by her hero, and to give him at last his share of the hard +bargain. This is only one of many qualities that make _Sussex Gorse_ a +novel to be remembered. + + * * * * * + +I can't quite make out what made Mr. WILLIAM HEWLETT persist in +_Introducing William Allison_ (SECKER). Probably a nice general +conviction (rather infectious; I caught it) of his own cleverness. If +his work wants a good deal of pulling together separate bits of it are +confoundedly well done. The schoolboy conversations (_William_ is a +Winchester man, thrown into a lawyer's clerkship straight from the +sixth) and the picture of the superbly groomed associates of his +friend's brother, _Marmaduke Fenton_, are cases in point, though I don't +think Winchester would have been so absurdly abashed by the glories of +bachelordom in Half-Moon Street. So too is the lecture of _Parbury_, the +neo-decadent, on the cultivation of "that sacred and imperishable +flower, the white unsullied bloom of an Intensely Useless Life," even if +it be only a belated cutting from _The Green Carnation_. _William's_ +first boyish passion for a quite cold shop-minx, with its agonies of +self-abasement and rarefied desire, is uncannily clever; and the +thoroughly unpleasant episode of our _William_, minx-free, only to be +caught in the toils of that insatiable sensualist, Mrs. _Daintree_, is +presented with discreet vigour. There is possibly a moral in the +fascinating _Marmaduke's_ desperate half-hour in Dr. _Ferox's_ +consulting-room. But Mr. HEWLETT never wrote this flippant tale to point +a moral. Rather, as I suggest, he seems to have said, "These are samples +of several _genres_ in which I can succeed on my head. Some day I will +really finish something. Meanwhile pray be amused." + + * * * * * + +Of Miss ETHEL DELL'S popularity there seems to be no possible doubt, and +her publishers, Messrs. HUTCHINSON, assure me that her latest, _The Bars +of Iron_, is the best novel she has written. While accepting their +unprejudiced judgment I retain the liberty of remaining unimpressed. +Miss DELL has an eye for a plot and she can make things move; but her +methods are too feverish for my taste. A man-fight in the prologue is +followed by a dog-fight in the first chapter, and through the early part +of the book the _Rev. S. Lorimer_ beats his numerous family again and +again. It is true that, between her explosions, she introduces certain +lovable characters, but they fail to correct the general atmosphere of +violence. Neither the beauty of _Piers Evesham_ (his naked shoulders +looked "like a piece of faultless statuary, god-like, superbly strong"), +nor his sympathy with children, offers adequate compensation for his +volcanic temperament. If Miss DELL, who seems to have a penchant for +tempestuous heroes, would devote some of her superfluous energy to a +study of men, so as to get to understand them as well as she understands +her own sex, it would be a good thing for the quality both of her work +and of her public. + + * * * * * + +In her latest little volume of verse, modestly entitled _Simple Rhymes +for Stirring Times_ (PEARSON), Miss JESSIE POPE shows that she has not +only the right spirit, but a sense of form beyond the common. She does +not pretend to heroics and she seldom allows herself to touch a note of +pathos; her mission is just to inspire other hearts with the infectious +gay courage of her own. It finds a natural expression in the easy lilt +of her measures. She is fluent rather than polished and never overlays +her designs with excess of embroidery. Long practice has made her +familiar with a craft which is not so easy as it looks; and in +particular she has learnt the art of the final line. Miss POPE may +possibly run the risk of over-writing herself; but so long as she brings +a discriminating eye to the choice of what is worth preserving--and she +has been _quite_ reasonably self-critical in her present selection--the +matter that she jettisons is no affair of mine. Judging only by what I +see here, I recognise that, in whatever other way she may be helping the +cause, through her gift of light-heart verse she is doing--and none more +bravely--her share of woman's work. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Touring Stage Manager (rehearsing super)._ "And when you +hear the cue, 'Ah, here comes the Kaiser!' you stride slowly on to the +stage looking like the guilty Monarch."] + + * * * * * + +Journalistic Colour. + + "On all hands their preparations for their ultimate victory are + being pressed forward with unflagging zest, and nowhere has the + white heat of their resolve grown pale"--_Daily Graphic._ + + * * * * * + +Extract from Scottish Command Orders:-- + + "When marriage has actually taken place, the N.C.O. or man + should inform O.C. at once, so as to ensure the necessary + documents for separation allowance for the wife being made out, + and this casualty should in addition be inserted in Part II. + Orders." + + _Scotsman._ + +This appears to confirm the belief that a Scottish marriage is a sort of +accident that might happen to anyone. + + * * * * * + +It is easy to understand why the Zeppelins have a partiality for +almshouses. They think it's another name for munition works. + + * * * * * + +From the report of a music-hall action:-- + + "In reply to Mr. Justice Darling, he sang comic songs and + appeared alone on the stage."--_Morning Paper._ + +After all the Bench cannot always monopolise the "star turns," even in +Mr. JUSTICE DARLING'S court. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +150, MARCH 15, 1916*** + + +******* This file should be named 22988.txt or 22988.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22988 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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