initial commit of ebook 22988HEADmain

39 files changed, 7068 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/22988-8.txt b/22988-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b2b72fe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2076 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+March 15, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 15, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 12, 2007  [eBook #22988]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, MARCH 15, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22988-h.htm or 22988-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22988/22988-h/22988-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22988/22988-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+MARCH 15, 1916.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Zeppelin which was "winged" while flying over Kent last week has not
+yet been found, and is believed to be still in hiding in the densely
+wooded country between Maidstone and Ashford. Confirmation of this
+report is supplied by a local farmer, who states that on three
+successive nights the cat's supper has been stolen from his scullery
+steps. This strange circumstance, considered in the light of the
+Germans' inordinate passion for cats' meat, has gone far to satisfy the
+authorities that the capture of the crippled monster is only a question
+of time.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. WILLIAM AIRD, in a lecture upon "Health, Disease and Economical
+Living," insisted that we should all be much healthier if we lived on
+"rabbit food." Possibly; but the vital question is--would not this diet
+induce in us a tendency to become conscientious objectors?
+
+       ***
+
+"It is most necessary," stated a Manchester economics expert last week,
+"that the Government should release more beef for civilian needs." Yet a
+cursory view of the work done by the military tribunals seems to
+indicate that they are releasing altogether too much.
+
+       ***
+
+A Chertsey pig-breeder has been granted total exemption. The pen, it
+seems, is still mightier than the sword.
+
+       ***
+
+Some slight irritation has been caused by the announcement of Sir ALFRED
+KEOGH that Naval men engaged on the home service cannot be supplied with
+false teeth at the expense of the Government. Nevertheless we may rest
+assured that, come what may, these gallant fellows will uphold the
+traditions of the Navy and stick to their gums.
+
+       ***
+
+For many days past the condition of our streets has been really
+lamentable owing to the fact that so many of our crossing-sweepers are
+serving with the colours; and a painful report is going about that the
+Government's object in recognizing the V. T. C. is at last becoming
+apparent.
+
+       ***
+
+A prehistoric elephant has recently been discovered at Chatham and is
+now mounted in the British Museum. In palæontological circles the report
+that the monster's death was occasioned by the consumption of too much
+seed-cake is regarded as going far to prove that our neolithic ancestors
+were not without their sentimental side.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "Well, Jones, I hope we shall get more out of
+the garden this year. We had next to nothing last year."
+
+Jones. "Ay--'twere they plaguey pheasants 'ad most on it last year."
+
+_Mistress._ "If you ask me, I should say it was _two-legged_
+pheasants!"]
+
+       ***
+
+From a Parliamentary report: "In his reply Mr. Asquith stated that the
+'Peace Book' which was being prepared to meet problems which would arise
+after the War corresponded with the 'War Book' which was compiled years
+ago in anticipation of the War." This ought to put heart into the enemy.
+
+       ***
+
+The Court of Appeal has decided that infants are liable to pay income
+tax. It is reported that Sir JOHN SIMON is preparing a stinging
+remonstrance.
+
+       ***
+
+The Turkish New Year has been officially postponed so as to begin on
+March 14th, instead of on March 1st, as before. This simple but
+satisfactory method of prolonging the existence of a moribund empire has
+proved so successful that ENVER PASHA and a number of other Young Turks
+have indefinitely postponed their next birthdays.
+
+       ***
+
+Up to the moment of writing there has been no confirmation of the report
+that Turkey has given her consent to the making of a separate peace by
+Germany on account of the economic exhaustion of the latter country.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from letter to _The Westminster Gazette_:--
+
+    "'M.D.' cannot have studied dietetics, or he would know that far
+    greater strength and endurance are produced by a fruit and herb
+    diet than by what is termed a 'mixed diet,' e.g., the elephant,
+    the horse and the gorilla."
+
+In the circumstances it is fortunate that the scarcity of gorillas puts
+them out of the reach of all but millionaire _gourmets_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+"HORSE MARINE."--You say you are intrigued about _The Evening News_
+poster, which announced
+
+    "ASQUITH ON A MORATORIUM,"
+
+and you are curious to know more about this animal. We have pleasure in
+informing you that it is distantly related to the megatherium, and,
+since the extinction of the latter, has been very generally used for
+hack purposes. The PREMIER may be seen any morning in the Park taking a
+canter on one of these superb mammals.
+
+"WINSTONIAN."--The rumour that Colonel the late First Lord of the
+Admiralty has offered himself the command of a mine-sweeper or,
+alternatively, of a platoon in the 1/100 battalion of the Chilterns,
+lacks confirmation.
+
+"PEER OF THE REALM."--We agree with you in regretting that Lord FISHER
+was unable to accept Lord BERESFORD'S invitation to come and hear him
+speak in your House about the Downing Street sandwichmen and other
+collateral subjects arising out of the Air Service debate. You will be
+glad however to know that Lord FISHER'S absence was not due to
+indisposition, but to a previous engagement to take tea on the Terrace
+with Mr. BALFOUR.
+
+"A LOVER OF THE ANTIQUE."--Your idea of making a collection of
+antebellum fetishes is a happy one. Examples of the Little Navy and
+Voluntary System fetishes are now rather rare, but you should have no
+difficulty in securing a well-preserved specimen of the Free Trade
+fetish at the old emporium of antiquities kept by the firm of John Simon
+and Co.
+
+"A SINGLE MAN."--When you say that you are forty years old, that you
+have practically built up a business which will be ruined if you leave
+it, that you are the sole support of a stepmother and a family of young
+half-brothers and sisters, but that you have felt it your duty to attest
+without appealing for exemption, we applaud your patriotism. But, when
+you go on to complain that your neighbour, aged twenty-two, living in
+idleness on an allowance, and married to a chorus-girl still in her
+teens and childless, should be free to decline service if he chooses (as
+he does), we cannot but disapprove of your irreverent and almost immoral
+attitude towards the holy condition of matrimony. If the tie of wedlock
+is not to take precedence of every other tie, including that of country,
+where are we?
+
+"A CRY FROM MACEDONIA."--In answer to your question as to when we think
+it likely that the KAISER will take advantage of his recently-conferred
+commission in the Bulgarian Army and lead his regiment against Salonika,
+we are unable to fix a date for this movement. Our private information
+is that he is detained elsewhere by a previous engagement which is
+taking up more time than was anticipated.
+
+"BULGAR."--We sympathise with you in your natural desire to have your
+TSAR FERDINAND home again, and we share your sanguine belief that the
+tonic air of Sofia (never more bracing than at the present moment) ought
+speedily to cure him of his malignant catarrh. His Austrian physicians
+however advise him to remain away, and he himself holds the view,
+coloured a little by superstition, that his return should be at least
+postponed till after the Ides of March, a day that was fatal to the
+health of an earlier Cæsar.
+
+"YOUNG TURK."--Your anxiety about ENVER PASHA is groundless. The news
+that he has been recently seen at the PROPHET'S Tomb at Medina conveyed
+no indication that the object of his visit was to select a neighbouring
+site for his own burial. Indeed, our information is that since his
+recent assassination (as reported from Athens) he has been going on
+quite as well as could be expected.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUILDING WITHOUT TEARS.
+
+The enthralling correspondence in the columns of our contemporary, _The
+Spectator_, on the subject of cheap cottages and how to build them, has
+evoked a vast amount of correspondence addressed directly to us. We
+select a few specimens which are recommended by their practical and
+businesslike character:--
+
+The Merits of "Posh."
+
+DEAR SIR,--The question of Land Settlement after the War resolves itself
+in the last resort into the employment of cheaper methods of cottage
+building. Will you allow me to put in a word for the revival, in the
+neighbourhood of the sea, of the old Suffolk plan of building with what
+is locally known as "posh," after the name of the original inventor, who
+was an ancestor of FITZGERALD'S friend. "Posh" is a mixture of old
+boots--of which a practically unlimited supply can be found on the
+beaches of seaside resorts--and seaweed, boiled into a jelly, allowed to
+solidify, and then frozen hard in cold storage. "Posh" is not only (1)
+impenetrable but also (2) hygienic, the iodine in the seaweed lending it
+a peculiarly antiseptic quality, and (3) picturesque, the colour of the
+compound being a dark purple, which is exceedingly pleasing to the eye.
+Lastly, the cost of production is slight, as the raw material can be
+obtained for nothing, and the compound can be sawn into blocks or bricks
+to suit the taste of the tenant. I am convinced that cottages of "posh"
+could be built for less than a hundred pounds a-piece; and at that
+figure cheap housing becomes a practical proposition.
+
+I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
+
+Decimus Dexter.
+
+
+"Stooting" and "Marmash."
+
+DEAR SIR,--The choice of material matters little so long as it is
+properly treated. Any sort of earth will do, or, failing earth, a
+mixture of ashes with a little mustard and marmalade, the waste of which
+in most households is prodigious. But it must be properly pounded and
+allowed to set in a frame. For the former process there is no better
+implement than the old Gloucestershire stoot, or stooting-mallot, or in
+the alternative a disused niblick. The earth, or the "marmash" mixture,
+as I have christened it, should be poured into a bantle-frame--which can
+be made by any village carpenter--and vigorously pounded for about three
+hours. Then another bantle-frame is placed on the first, and the process
+is repeated. No foundation is required for walls erected by the plan of
+stooting, but a damp-course of mulpin is advisable, and it is always
+best to pingle the door-jambs, and binge up the rafters with a
+crumping-block.
+
+I am, Sir, yours obediently,
+
+Mungo Stallibrass.
+
+
+The Beauty of "Bap."
+
+DEAR SIR,--When I was an under-graduate at Balliol more years ago than I
+care to remember, I not only took part in the road-making experiment
+carried out under RUSKIN's supervision, but assisted in the erection of
+a model cottage, the walls of which were made of "bap," a compound which
+is still used in parts of Worcestershire. The receipt is very simple.
+You mix clinkers, wampum and spelf in equal quantities and condense the
+compound by hydraulic pressure. I have a well-trained hydraulic ram who
+is capable of condensing enough "bap" in twenty-four hours to provide
+the materials for building six four-roomed cottages. I am sorry to say
+that the "bap" cottage at Hinksey was washed away by a flood a few years
+ago, and the spot where it stood is no longer identifiable. But the
+facts are as I have stated them.
+
+Truly yours, Roland Phibson.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JUNIOR PARTNERS.
+
+[Illustration: Ferdie. "THINGS SEEM TO BE AT A STANDSTILL IN MY
+DEPARTMENT."
+
+Sultan. "I ONLY WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME OF MINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE FRONT.
+
+I wonder if the chap who first thought out this shell business realized
+the extraordinary inconvenience it would cause to gentlemen at rest
+during what the Photographic Press alludes to as "a lull in the
+fighting."
+
+Once upon a time billets were billets. You came into such, and
+thereafter for a spell of days forgot about the War unless you got an
+odd shell into the kitchen. But now--well, about noon on the first day's
+rest, seventy odd batteries of our 12, 16, and 24 inch guns set about
+their daily task of touching up a selected target, say a sap-head or
+something new from Unter den Linden in spring barbed-wirings which has
+been puzzling a patrol. This is all right in its way; but the Hun still
+owns one or two guns opposite us. And by 12.5 all is unquiet on the
+Western Front. This is all right in its way; but about 3 P.M. the Hun is
+roused to the depths of his savage nature, and one wakes up to find
+Hildebrand and Hoffelbuster, the two guns told off to attend to our
+liberty area, scattering missiles far and wide, but mostly wide, and a
+covey of aeroplanes bombing the local cabbageries. This again is all
+right in its way, but in the meantime the mutual noise further up the
+line has become so loud that Someone very far back and high up catches
+the echo of it, and a bare hour later we receive the order to stand-to
+at once, ready to move off twenty minutes ago.
+
+Within three minutes of our first stand-to I was up with the company,
+hastily but adequately mobilized with my servant's rifle, five smoke
+helmets, (I took all I could see; this is _camaraderie_), a biscuit, the
+Indispensable Military Pocket Book (8 in. by 10 in.), a revolver
+(disqualified for military uses owing to absence of ammunition), Russian
+Picture Tales, and a tooth-brush. I find a general opinion prevalent in
+the company that "if Fritz knew _we_ was standing-to 'e'd pack in." Word
+must have come through to Fritz somehow, for he shortly packs in--say
+about 1 A.M.--and we follow suit after the news has spent a couple or
+hours or so flashing round the wires in search of us. And we go to sleep
+until to-morrow midday, when the day's play begins again.
+
+When we had been thus "rested" for some days we went and took over a
+nice new line, with lots of funny bits in it. The front line had three
+bits.
+
+_Left sector_--Mine (exploded; possibly held by Bosch on far side).
+
+_Central sector_--Mine? (unexploded; not held by Bosch anywhere).
+
+_Right sector_--Mine (exploded; possibly held by Bosch on far side).
+
+Our position seemed a little problematical. The left and right we
+satisfied ourselves about at once, but the centre was in a class by
+itself. We demanded an investigator, somebody with wide mine-sweeping
+experience preferred.
+
+About 2 A.M. on our first day in, a figure loomed up through a
+snow-storm from the back of the central trench and asked forlornly if
+there might be any mines hereabouts. We admitted there might be, or
+again there might not. He questioned us precisely where it was
+suspected, and we told him "underneath." He scratched his head and
+announced that he was sent to look for it. His qualifications consisted
+apparently in his having coal-mined. But he seemed confident of
+detecting the quicker combustion sort, until he asked for necessary
+impedimenta. It seems that no good collier can detect an H.E. or any
+sort of mine without a pail of water, and a hole about 2,000 feet deep,
+and a pulley, and a rope ladder and a bratting-slat.
+
+It's true we had some good holes in parts of the trench, where you
+probably go down 2,000 feet if you step off the footboards, and the rest
+of the stuff we might have contrived to improvise. But for the moment we
+had somehow run clean out of bratting-slats.
+
+So we had to return the poor fellow with a request that all experts
+should be completed with bratting-slats before being sent to the front
+line. This request only produced the senseless interrogation, "What _is_
+a bratting-slat?" to which we have not yet bothered to reply. In the
+meantime if we are really sitting on a mine it seems quite a tame one.
+It hasn't as much as barked yet.
+
+Just in our bit we aren't very well off for dug-outs; it isn't really
+what you'd call a representative sector from any point of view. But
+during a blizzard the other night a messenger who had mislaid himself
+took us for a serious trench. He made his way along, looking to right
+and left for some seat of authority until he came to a hole in the
+parados, two feet by one, where some fortunate fellow had ejected an
+ammunition box and was attempting to boil water on a night-light. The
+messenger bent low and asked huskily--
+
+"Is this 'ere comp'ny edquarters?"
+
+The water-boiler looked up. "No," he replied, "it ain't. It's G.H.Q.,
+but DUGGIE 'AIG ain't at 'ome to no one this evenin'."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Tommy_. "The C.O.'s recommended you for a V.C"
+
+_Second Tommy_ (_half asleep and thinking of C.B._). "Oh lumme! What
+'ave I done now?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "GERMANS' TERRIBLE LOSSES.
+
+    WHOLE CORPS WIPED OUT.
+
+    BY LORD NORTHCLIFFE."
+
+    _Belfast News Letter._
+
+Yet, with commendable modesty, his lordship said nothing about this in
+his recent despatch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Daily News_ reports the case of a conscientious objector at York
+who said he could not take life--he "would not even eat an egg." We
+ourselves have conscientious objections to that sort of egg.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OFFICERS' INSTRUCTION CLASS.
+
+[Illustration: _First Boy_. "I say, your dad seems to be getting it
+pretty hot."
+
+_Second Boy_. "Well, you see, this is his first war."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE KING OF SPAIN.
+
+YOUR MAJESTY, There is a little village in England nestling among wooded
+hills. It has sent forth its bravest and best from cottage and farm and
+manor-house to fight for truth and liberty and justice. The news of
+grievous wounds and still more grievous deaths, of men missing and
+captured, comes often to that quiet hamlet, and the roll of honour in
+the little grey stone church grows longer and longer. In the big house
+on the hill, at sunrise and at sunset, the young Lady of the Manor
+stands at the bedside of her little son, and hears him lisp his simple
+prayers to God, and they always end like this:--
+
+    "And God bless Father and Mother and Nurse, and send Father back
+    soon from his howwid prison in Germany. And God bless 'specially
+    the dear King of SPAIN, who found out about Father. Amen."
+
+The kings of the earth have many priceless possessions; they are able to
+confer upon each other various glittering orders of merit and
+distinction; but we doubt if any one of them has a dearer possession or
+a more genuine order of merit than this simple prayer of faith and
+gratitude offered at sunrise and at sunset on behalf of Your Majesty by
+the bedside of a little English child.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD SOLDIER.
+
+By a "Temporary" Sub.
+
+  There are some men--and such is Jones--
+    Who love to vent their antique spleens
+  On any subaltern that owns
+  He's not a soldier in his bones
+      (_I'_m not, by any means);
+  Who fiercely watch us drill our men
+  And tell us things were different when
+  (In, I imagine, 1810)
+      They joined the Blue Marines.
+
+  I like them not, yet I affect
+    That air of awed humility
+  Which I should certainly expect,
+  If I were old and medal-deck'd,
+      From young men under me;
+  But when they hint their wondrous wit
+  Is what has made them feel so fit
+  To do their military bit,
+      I simply can't agree.
+
+  I said to Jones--or should have said
+    But feared the Articles of War--
+  "You must not think you have a head
+  Because you know from A to Z
+      This military lore,
+  By years of study slowly gat
+  (And somewhat out-of-date at that),
+  When lo, I had the whole thing pat
+      In six small months--not more."
+
+  Maybe the mystic art appals
+    Unlearned souls of low degrees,
+  But men to whom the high Muse calls,
+  Men who are good enough for Smalls,
+      Imbibe it all with ease;
+  While where would Jones, I wonder, be
+  If someone took the man for me
+  And asked him for some _jeu d'esprit_,
+      A few bright lines (like these)?
+
+  Possibly Jones will one day tire
+    Of fours and fights and iron shards,
+  Will seize his pencil and aspire
+  To court the Muse and match the fire
+      Of us poetic cards;
+  Then I shall mock his meagre strain
+  And gaily make the moral plain,
+  How barren is the soldier's brain
+      Compared with any bard's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION OF THE NUDE.
+
+They scrambled into the carriage in a tremendous hurry, all talking at
+once at the tops of their voices, all very excited and very dirty. They
+had mud on their boots which had evidently come from France, and their
+overcoats had that rumpled appearance which distinguishes overcoats from
+the Front from those merely in training.
+
+There seemed to be about ten of them as they got into the train, but
+when they had deposited various objects on the rack, such as rifles,
+haversacks, and kit-bags like partially deflated airships, the number
+resolved itself into three.
+
+The compartment already contained--besides myself--a naval warrant
+officer, reading _Freckles_ with a sentimental expression, and a large
+leading seaman with hands like small hams and a peaceful smile like a
+jade Buddha. It said "H.M.S. Hedgehog" round his cap, but when I
+ventured to remark that I once in peace-time saw and visited that vessel
+he observed with indifference that "cap-ribbons was nothin' to go by
+these days; point o' fact, he never see that there ship in his puff."
+Otherwise they maintained that deep and significant silence which we
+have learned to associate with our Navy.
+
+The Tommies, however, were in very talkative vein. "Now," I thought, "I
+shall doubtless hear some real soldiers' stories of the War, even as the
+newspaper men hear them and reproduce them in the daily prints: the
+crash of the artillery, the wild excitement of battle--in short, the
+Real Thing...."
+
+A momentous question had evidently been under discussion when they
+entered the train, and as soon as they were settled in their seats they
+resumed it.
+
+"Wot I want to know is," said the largest of the three, a big man with a
+very square face and blue eyes,--"wot I want to know is--is that there
+feller to go walkin' about naked?" The last word was pronounced as a
+monosyllable.
+
+He set his fists squarely on his knees and glared around him with a
+challenging expression.
+
+"No, it's agin the law," said a small man with a very hoarse voice.
+
+"Course it is," rejoined the other. "Well, wot's the feller to do?
+That's wot I ast you. If 'e walks about naked, well, 'e gets took up for
+bein' naked; if 'e doesn't, why, 'e gets 'ad for not returnin' 'is
+uniform."
+
+He looked round again and decided to take the rest of us into
+consultation.
+
+"This 'ere's 'ow it stands--see? 'Ere's a feller got the mitten along o'
+not bein' able to march, through gettin' shot in the leg. 'E goes 'ome
+pendin' 'is _dis_charge, an' o' course e' walks about in 'is uniform.
+Then 'e gets 'is _dis_charge, an' they tells 'im to return 'is kar-kee
+_an'_ small kit----"
+
+"An' small kit?" burst out the third member of the party indignantly--a
+sprightly youth with a very short tunic and a pert expression. "Do they
+want you to return your small kit when you get the mitten? Watch me
+returnin' mine, that's all!"
+
+"You'll 'ave to," said the voice of Discipline.
+
+"'Ave to, I don't think!" said the rebel ironically; "I couldn't if I'd
+lorst it."
+
+"I ain't got no small kit, any 'ow," said the small and husky one; "I
+put my 'aversack down when we was diggin' one of our chaps out of a Jack
+Johnson 'ole, and some bloomin' blighter pinched it! Now that's a thing
+as I don't 'old with. Rotten, I call it. I wouldn't say nothing about
+it, mind you, if I was dead; I like to 'ave something as belonged to a
+comrade, myself, an' I know as 'e'd feel the same, seein' as 'e couldn't
+want it 'imself. But, if you take a feller's things w'en 'e's alive,
+why, you don't know 'ow bad 'e might want 'em some day."
+
+"Corporal 'e ses to me, las' kit inspection," broke in the fresh-faced
+youth, disregarding this nice point of ethics, "'W'ere's your
+tooth-brush?' 'e ses. 'Where you won't find it,' I ses. ''Oo're you
+talkin' to?' 'e ses. 'Dunno,' I ses; 'the ticket's fell off!... Wot
+d'yer call yourself, any'ow,' I ses, 'you an' yer stripe?' I ses. 'Funny
+bundle,' I ses, 'that's what I call you!'"
+
+"Well, I don't see wot a feller's got to do," said the propounder of the
+problem, returning to the charge. "Granted as 'e can't walk about naked;
+granted as 'e 'asn't got a suit o' civvies of 'is own--wot _is_ 'e to
+do?"
+
+"'Ang on to 'is kar-kee" said the hoarse-voiced man. The setter-down of
+corporals retired within himself, probably to compose some humorous
+repartee.
+
+The warrant officer came out of _Freckles_ and suggested writing a
+letter.
+
+"'E 'as done. 'E's wrote an' told 'em 'as 'e can't send 'is kar-kee back
+until 'e gets a suit o' Martin 'Enry's or thirty bob in loo of same. An'
+all as they done was to write again an' demand 'is uniform at once."
+
+The warrant officer sighed and opined that orders were orders.
+
+"Yes, but 'e 'd 'ave to carry 'em to the Post Office naked, wouldn't 'e?
+An' 'ow about goin' to buy new ones? That's if 'e 'd drawed 'is pay,
+which 'e 'asn't. Unreasonable, that's wot I calls it."
+
+"'Asn't 'e got no civvies at all?" said the small man, beginning to look
+sceptical. "'Asn't 'e got no one as 'd lend 'im a soot? Anyways, 'e
+could get some one to post 'em for 'im, an' then stop in bed till 'is
+others come."
+
+"'E's a very lonely feller," said the champion of the unclad; "'e lives
+in lodgin's, an 'e 'asn't got no friends. If 'e 'adn't got no clothes
+for to fetch 'is pay in, wot then?"
+
+A gloomy silence, a silence fraught with the inevitability of destiny,
+settled on the party.
+
+The warrant officer, who had been pretending to resume _Freckles_,
+presently looked up and suggested that he could go in his uniform to a
+tailor, explain the position and obtain clothes on credit.
+
+The originator of the problem thought hard for a minute.
+
+"'E isn't a man as I'd care to trust myself," he said rather
+unexpectedly, "an' I don't think no one else would neither."
+
+It was at this point that the man from H.M.S. _Hedgehog_ (or, to be
+precise, H.M.S. _Something Else_) fell into the conversation suddenly,
+like a bomb.
+
+"'E wouldn't be naked," he said earnestly; "'e'd 'ave 'is shirt."
+
+This was a staggerer. One of those great simple truths sometimes
+overlooked by more abstruse thinkers. But the owner of the problem made
+one more stand.
+
+"'Oo'd walk about in a shirt?" he said scornfully.
+
+"Me," said the large seaman, "time I was torpedoed...."
+
+He didn't say another word; but the problem was irretrievably lost.
+There had been something magnificently daring about the idea of a man
+walking about like a lost cherub; partly clothed, nobody cared very much
+what became of him.
+
+Besides, we all wanted to hear Admiralty secrets. We sat there in
+respectful silence while the train rattled on its way; but the large
+seaman only went on smiling peacefully to himself, as if he were
+ruminating in immense satisfaction upon unprecedented bags of
+submarines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The architect for the new building left nothing out that would
+    at all hamper the comfort of those who make this hotel their
+    stopping place."--_New Zealand Paper._
+
+We know that architect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The _Severn_ was moored in a position 1,000 miles closer to the
+    enemy than on July 6, which made her fire much more effective."
+    _Natal Mercury._
+
+We can well believe this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER INDISPENSABLE.
+
+[Illustration: _Chief of Village Fire Brigade._ "We're all ready. Is
+steam up?"
+
+_Engineer (temporary)._ "If you want steam in this engine you'll have to
+get Thompson 'ome from France to show me 'ow to light the bloomin'
+fire."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY COLD.
+
+  Lord of the rheumy eyes and blowing nose,
+  On whom no fostering sun has ever shone,
+  What mak'st thou here? Didst thou in sooth believe
+  Thy presence would be welcome? Hast thou come
+  Thinking to please me--me who, not at all
+  Wanting to catch, have caught thee full and fair,
+  And, loth to get, have got thee none the less?
+  Why couldst thou not in thine own realms have stayed?
+  Thou mightst have found--I can't go on like this;
+  These second persons singular of verbs
+  Are far too tricky; once involved in these,
+  For instance, "lovedst" and "spreadst" and "stillst" and "gapest,"
+  And thousands more--once, as I say, involved
+  In these too clinging tendrils one is done;
+  And so I find I cannot write an ode,
+  Not even a ten-syllabic blank-verse ode,
+  In second persons singular of verbs,
+  In "snifflest" and in "wheezest" and the rest,
+  For I am sure to trip and spoil the thing,
+  And bring grammatic censure on my head.
+  Be, therefore, plural--"you" instead of "thou"--
+  Which makes things simpler. Now we can get on.
+  O fain-avoided and most loathsome Cold,
+  You with the sneezing, teasing, wheezing airs,
+  What make you here at such a time as this,
+  Melting my snowy store of handkerchiefs,
+  Rasping my throat and bringing aches to range
+  At large within the measure of my head?
+  Platoon-Commanders of the Volunteers,
+  Who now are recognised (three cheers!) at last,
+  And of whose number I who write am one,
+  Should be immune from colds; they sound absurd
+  When bidding men to "boove to th' right id Fours,"
+  Or "order arbs" (or slope) or "stad at ease,"
+  Or "od the left" (or right) to "forb platood."
+  Even the most submissive men begin
+  To lose respect when such commands ring out.
+  Wherefore, my cold--_atchoo_, _atchoo_--be off,
+  Lest I report you and your deeds aright
+  To Mr. TENNANT at the War Office.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the cast of The Real Thing at Last:--
+
+    "Nearly murdered ... Mr. Godfrey Tearle (by permission of the
+    Adelphi Theatre Co.)."--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+A sorry return for Mr. TEARLE'S excellent work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE FLOODS IN HOLLAND.
+
+    General Goethals states that he cannot predict a date for
+    reopening the Panama Canal on account of the uncertainty of the
+    movement of the slides."--_North China Daily News._
+
+It looks like an infringement of the Monroe doctrine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Artistic Lady (who has just had her drawing-room
+redecorated)._ "Well, cook, what do you think of it?"
+
+_Cook._ "It's a bit bare-like, isn't it, Mum? I dessay I'm
+old-fashioned, but I never reely feel an 'ome's an 'ome without a
+Haspidisterer."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECIPROCITY IN FICTION.
+
+Forthcoming Masterpieces.
+
+"It is not often," says a writer of what is called "Literary
+Intelligence," "that a novelist adopts a living fellow-worker as the
+central figure of his story. This is, however, the case with _My Lady of
+the Moor_, which Messrs. LONGMANS will shortly publish for Mr. JOHN
+OXENHAM. While wandering on Dartmoor he stumbled into a living actual
+romance, of which Miss BEATRICE CHASE, author of several popular books
+about Dartmoor, was the centre. This book tells the tale, which is named
+after Miss CHASE, _My Lady of the Moor_, and it has of course been
+written with her full consent and approval."
+
+But the "Literary Intelligencer" did not know that Mr. OXENHAM is not
+the dazzling innovator that he might be thought. Why, even at the moment
+that Mr. OXENHAM was serving up Miss CHASE on toast, but always, of
+course, with perfect taste, Miss CHASE was performing the same culinary
+business for him. For her next novel, to be entitled with great charm
+_My Gentleman of the Cheek_, will present a faithful picture of the
+gifted JOHN and the figure he cut on Dartymoor all among the thikkies
+and down-alongs and tors.
+
+Mr. HALL CAINE, having just been pleading in public for more War realism
+from literary artists, has in preparation a fascinating new romance
+entitled _Marie of Stratford_, which depicts, with all this master's
+restraint, power and genius, various phases in the life of a
+sister-novelist of whose existence he has recently heard. Nothing at
+once so charming and so arresting has been published for days.
+
+It is announced that Miss MARIE CORELLI, who for too long has vouchsafed
+nothing fresh to her countless admirers, has just completed the (Isle
+of) Manuscript of a story which, like all her works, is epoch-making.
+Connoisseurs of literature, always eager for a new _frisson_, will be
+fascinated to learn that this novel has for its subject a
+fellow-novelist of whose retired existence she has but lately become
+aware. It takes the form of a saga and is entitled _Hall of the Three
+Legs_. Editions of a size commensurate with the scarcity of paper are
+being prepared.
+
+Meanwhile we are informed that Mr. TASKER JEVONS is at work upon a
+trilogy of vast dimensions and meticulous detail, of which the heroine
+is Miss MAY SINCLAIR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The General Manager, in reply, said: Seeing that the privilege
+    of addressing you in annual meeting comes to me once only in
+    every forty-four years of service, and having regard to the vast
+    interests included in this vote of thanks, there might be found
+    some excuse for elaboration of acknowledgment were it not that
+    discursiveness is entirely at variance with the habits of the
+    staff."
+
+    _Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+After another forty-four years' silence we hope he will really let
+himself go.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Exchange of Ivories.
+
+    "Wanted, piano; dentist willing to make artificial teeth for
+    same, or part."
+
+    _Edinburgh Evening Despatch._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Hint to the Censor.
+
+    "To cool hot journals apply a dressing made of 11 lb. blacklead,
+    23 lb. Epsom salts, 9 lb. sulphur, 2 lb. lampblack and 5 lb.
+    oxalic acid, mixed and ground together."--_Ironmonger._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIS BARK IS ON THE SEA.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Punch. "AND WHAT DID YOU THINK OF COLONEL CHURCHILL'S
+SPEECH, SIR?"
+
+Admiral Jellicoe. "I'M AFRAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS. I'M NOT A
+POLITICIAN."
+
+Mr. Punch. "THANK GOD FOR THAT, SIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, March 7th._--The House of Commons to-day devoted itself to the
+process curiously known as "getting the SPEAKER out of the Chair." The
+phrase suggests reluctance on the part of the occupant to leave his
+seat; though I cannot recall any occasion when the employment of force
+has been necessary to persuade Mr. LOWTHER to resign to the Chairman of
+Committees the duty of listening to dull speeches. But this afternoon I
+can imagine that the SPEAKER would have been well content to remain. For
+there was fun brewing. Mr. BALFOUR was to introduce the Naval Estimates,
+and his dear friend and ex-colleague, Colonel WINSTON CHURCHILL, was
+announced to follow him. The conjunction of these highly-electrified
+bodies is always apt to produce sparks. The House was well filled, and
+over the clock could be seen Lord FISHER, like "a sweet little cherub
+that sits up aloft to keep watch for the life of poor Jacky." The last
+time Mr. CHURCHILL spoke of Naval affairs in the House he was not quite
+nice to Lord FISHER. Would he be nicer this time?
+
+[Illustration: WINSTON ON LEAVE.
+
+_Bluejacket_. "A party coming aboard, Sir, to see if the Fleet's all
+right."
+
+_Admiral Balfour_. "What sort of party?"
+
+_Bluejacket_. "Well, Sir, he's got spurs on."]
+
+I think Mr. BALFOUR must be something of a thought-reader. Intermingled
+with his narration of the varied and wonderful achievements of the
+Fleet, past and present, his description of the constant efforts to
+increase it both in ships and men, and his quietly confident prophecy
+that with this sure shield we might face the future in cheerful
+serenity, there were little sidethrusts at an imaginary critic. Some
+people had been silly enough to suggest that the new Board of Admiralty
+was so content with what had been done by "my right hon. and learned--I
+beg his pardon--gallant friend" that it had adopted a policy of "rest
+and be thankful". But there was no justification for "a certain kind of
+sub-acid pessimism that sometimes reaches my ears", and he must be a
+poor-spirited creature who, having been happy about the Navy in August,
+1914, could be depressed about in March, 1916.
+
+Then Colonel CHURCHILL proceeded to put the cap on. He has been studying
+the problems of sea-power in the trenches of Flanders, and the process
+has led him to gloomy conclusions. Suppose the Germans have been
+building more ships than we have: suppose they have put into them bigger
+guns than we wot of; suppose they were to come out at their selected
+moment and found us at our average moment.... The House was beginning to
+be a little weary of these depressing hypotheses when it was suddenly
+brought up all standing by the discovery that the orator was delivering
+a eulogy on Lord Fisher. He was the man who got things done in a hurry.
+He was the man who had the driving power. They had "parted brass-rags"
+over Gallipoli, it was true; but by-gones were by-gones. Having been
+away for some months, his mind was now clear (irreverent laughter), and
+he had come to recognise that his former foe was the only possible First
+Sea Lord.
+
+It must have been a little embarrassing for Lord FISHER to sit still and
+hear his praises thus chanted. But it is difficult to escape from the
+seat over the Clock without treading upon other people's toes, and this
+Lord FISHER is notoriously averse from doing. The moment, however, that
+Colonel CHURCHILL had finished he left the Gallery; but before he could
+wholly emerge he had to suffer the further shock of being cheered by
+some over-enthusiastic admirers behind him. It was a pity he left so
+soon, for later Sir HEDWORTH MEUX, fresh from Portsmouth, had some
+things to say which would not have compelled his blushes.
+
+_Wednesday, March 8th._--Members wondered yesterday why no reply to
+Colonel CHURCHILL was forthcoming from the Treasury Bench. Mr. BALFOUR
+made ample amends to-day for the omission. There is something in the
+personality of his critic--memories of Lord RANDOLPH, perhaps--that
+seems to put on extra polish on Mr. BALFOUR'S rapier when he deals with
+him. Who that heard it will ever forget his inimitable description of
+the then HOME SECRETARY superintending--"with a photographer"--the
+historic Siege of Sidney Street? This afternoon his sword-play was
+equally brilliant; and there was even more force behind the thrusts. If
+there had been delay in the progress of the new Dreadnoughts why was it?
+Because his right hon. predecessor had diverted the guns and
+gun-mountings intended for them into his new-fangled monitors. He had
+boasted of his own rapid shipbuilding. It had indeed been rapid--so much
+so that some of the vessels thus hastily constructed had now been
+remodelled. Coming to the proposed "remedy"--the recall of Lord FISHER
+to the Board of Admiralty--Mr. BALFOUR assumed a sterner tone. He
+reminded the house that Lord FISHER had been accused by his present
+champion of not having given him clear guidance or firm support over the
+Gallipoli Expedition. Colonel CHURCHILL'S present opinion of Lord FISHER
+was totally inconsistent with that which he had expressed a few months
+ago: possibly they were both remote from the truth. But it was an
+amazing proposition that the Government should be asked to dismiss Sir
+HENRY JACKSON, an officer who was everything that Lord FISHER according
+to Colonel CHURCHILL was not. He himself would not yield an inch to such
+a demand.
+
+Spontaneous debate has never been the Colonel's strong point. His
+oratorical engines are driven by midnight oil. Wisely, therefore, he did
+not attempt an elaborate _réplique_ to Mr. BALFOUR'S "sword-play," but
+contented himself with a brief restatement of his case.
+
+_Thursday, March 9th._--Prophets swarm in both Houses of Parliament, but
+the House of Lords is unique in possessing one who confines himself to
+subjects which he has at his fingers' ends and whose prophecies have a
+habit of coming true. What Lord MONTAGU OF BEAULIEU does not know of the
+petrol engine, and its use on land or sea or in the air, is not worth
+knowing. Seven years ago he warned his countrymen of the bomb-dropping
+possibilities of the new German air-ships. A little later he pointed out
+that it was very doubtful if dirigible balloons could be successfully
+attacked by gunfire from the ground, and that the only effective way of
+opposing them was to meet like with like. Again in 1913 he dwelt upon
+the inadequacy of our aerial defences.
+
+His object to-day was not to extol his own merits as a prophet, but to
+get the Government to act on the motto "One Element One Service" and
+establish a single Ministry of the Air. Lord HALDANE thought we ought to
+do some "violent thinking" before adopting the proposal, but quite
+agreed (with a reminiscent glance at the Woolsack) that we had not made
+sufficient use of lighter-than-air machines. That was Lord BERESFORD'S
+view, too; we must oppose Zeps to Zeps. Then, having evidently done some
+violent thinking over the recent debate in the Commons he launched out
+into a wholly irrelevant attack upon Colonel CHURCHILL for trying to
+create anxiety about the Fleet, and appealed to Lord FISHER (who was not
+present though Lord BERESFORD had particularly invited him) to repudiate
+the agitation conducted by the honourable Member for DUNDEE, a few
+newspapers and twenty sandwichmen. Lord LANSDOWNE subsequently noted
+that this most irregular digression appeared to be "not wholly
+distasteful" to the peers assembled. Turning to Lord MONTAGU'S proposal
+he pointed out that the Government had gone some way to meet it by
+setting up Lord DERBY'S Committee. But, though prepared to see the
+Cabinet increased to a round couple of dozen, he was not convinced that
+the only way to remove imperfections was to appoint a new Minister to
+deal with them.
+
+It seems probable therefore that there is no truth in the report that
+Colonel CHURCHILL has been asked to join the Government as Minister of
+Admonitions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy (who is learning every minute about barbed-wire
+defences)._ "When I gets home, no more perishin' cats shall ever get
+into my back garden."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Painful Accident to a Clergyman.
+
+    "While the Rev. Mr. Stulting was camping out one of his calves
+    was attacked and stung to death by a passing swarm of bees."
+
+    _Cape Argus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir THOMAS MACKENZIE, as reported by _The East Anglian Daily Times_:--
+
+    "I now think it is time you intermingled with your affairs a
+    little of the wisdom of the sergent instead of the dove-like
+    kindness which you have showed to the Germans in the past."
+
+There is a strong feeling among our N.C.O.'s that this is sound advice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lord Strachie asked in the House of Lords yesterday whether the
+    Government proposed to restrict the importation of hope."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+We understand that the answer was in the negative, as, owing to the
+activity of pessimists, there is still some shortage in the home-grown
+supplies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RECONCILIATION.
+
+[It is thought that the following story may have been intended for the
+"Organ of Organs" (R.A.M.C.)].
+
+Charles, the young Army Medical, went down on one patella. His heart (a
+hollow muscular pump) was driving blood from its ventricles as it had
+never yet driven it in all its twenty-five years of incessant labour.
+Further, by flattening the arch of his diaphragm and elevating his ribs
+and sternum, Charles was increasing the cavity of his thorax and taking
+in air. Immediately the diaphragm and the sternum and costal cartilages
+relaxed again the air escaped. The lungs of Charles were doing their
+work. Fast and yet faster became his breathing.
+
+"Mabel," he murmured, "Mabel!"
+
+The girl made no movement. Her respiration continued, but no impulse to
+action reached her nerve-centres. Yet, without an effort on her part,
+her tissues in one minute produced enough heat to boil one twenty-fourth
+of a pint of water.
+
+"Wonderful!" he whispered hoarsely, probably thinking of this, "you are
+wonderful."
+
+You will not marvel that his voice was gruff when I tell you that the
+membrane of the larynx was inflamed. Greater men than Charles have
+become hoarse in such circumstances.
+
+Immediately the blood rushed to the capillaries of Mabel's cheeks and
+her colour deepened. She trembled slightly.
+
+"There, that's it!" he cried, gazing rapturously.
+
+"What?" she gasped, startled by his passion.
+
+"Again that artery below your ear is throbbing, throbbing, and"--his
+voice rose in despair--"I can never remember the name! Can you?"
+
+"Alas," she moaned, "I do not know it! Oh, Charles, there is something I
+must tell you at once."
+
+"What is it?" he cried with sudden fear. "What is it?"
+
+"Why, I--I----Oh, I do not know how to say it. Charles, you will never
+forgive me!"
+
+"What is it, dearest? Tell me--you can trust me. The medical
+profession----"
+
+"Well, then, I tried to bandage little Johnny's foot yesterday,
+and--and----"
+
+"Calm yourself, dear. And----?"
+
+"I tied a 'granny' knot. Oh, Charles, _don't_ be angry. I _know_ it
+ought to have been a 'reef'!"
+
+He looked about him dully, like a man stunned.
+
+"Charles," she moaned, "listen! After all, I put it on the wrong foot."
+
+He started violently.
+
+"Mabel," he cried, "you are sure? Then I will not let you go. Had you
+tied that 'granny' knot on the right foot, I--we--as an R.A.M.C. man,
+I----"
+
+She clung to him sobbingly.
+
+"Charles, oh Charles," she panted, "you have proved it to me. You love
+me! (Is my heart throbbing now?) You love me and it will break for joy!"
+
+The phalanges and the metacarpal bones of her left hand clicked together
+as if in sympathy as she flung it to her side.
+
+Again her cerebrum flashed its joyful message, so that she repeated, "My
+heart!"
+
+At the word Charles, the R.A.M.C. man, rose from his patella and placed
+his hands firmly on his femur bones.
+
+His whole bearing had changed.
+
+"This," he said slowly and ringingly, "is the end. When I entered this
+room I loved you--I admit it. But--you have deceived me! Look at that
+hand! It is covering--what? The floating costae! Your heart is not where
+you would have me believe. It is fully three inches higher and more to
+the right. That is not a small matter, or one with which you should
+trifle as you do. But you have deceived me in a greater than that."
+
+"Oh, what is it? What have I done?" sobbed Mabel hysterically.
+
+"The greater matter," continued Charles in trumpet tones, "is that _the
+heart is not the seat of the emotions at all_. I can only conclude that
+your agitation was feigned. I wish you good-day, Madam."
+
+He had reached the door when she cried aloud.
+
+"Charles!"
+
+An urgent message from Charles's cerebellum, delivered to certain motor
+nerves by way of the spinal cord, disposed him to turn on his heel.
+
+He waited in silence.
+
+"Charles dearest, if it was the wrong place, and I didn't cover my heart
+after all, why, Charles, remember Johnny's foot and be logical!"
+
+She was there before him, glorious, and Charles stood dazzled.
+
+"You are right!" he cried. "Mabel! If you _had_ covered your heart!!"
+
+"Charles!!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Householder (with the Zeppelin obsession)._
+
+"Ah, I Like the Snow. It Reduces The Menace From Above."]
+
+[Illustration: !!!!!!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Yesterday between Forges and Bethincourt, west of the Meuse,
+    the enemy made use of suffocating gas, but did not attack with
+    infancy."--_Timaru Herald (N.Z.)._
+
+We are glad to have this evidence that the Huns have given up using
+children to screen their advances.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Plagues of rates have appeared at Pinsk, and in the British
+    trenches."
+
+    _Buenos Ayres Herald._
+
+Even at home we have not entirely escaped the epidemic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Floating Baby Found Unarmed."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+Had the Huns known of its defenceless condition they would never have
+allowed it to escape.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Like a poet, a geographer is born, not mad,' once wrote Sir
+    Clements Markham."
+
+    _Times of India._
+
+Some poets will be greatly relieved by this doctrine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Oldest Inhabitant (finally)._ "I tell 'ee I bain't goin'
+outside the door. Why, what'd folks think of me with no badge, nor
+harmlet, nor nothin'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LINES TO AN OLD FRIEND.
+
+[Dr. GEORGE PERNET, in a recent treatise on "The Health of the Skin,"
+discusses the continued decline in the popularity of the tall hat.]
+
+  O emblem of British decorum,
+    Whose vogue, for a century back,
+  In the Mart, in the House or the Forum
+    Few dared to impugn or attack;
+  'Tis sad, though the best of our bankers
+    Refuse to allow such a lapse,
+  That our youth irrepressibly hankers
+        For straws and for caps.
+
+  _Mr. Seagram_, in _Masterman Ready_,
+    Is pictured in many a hole,
+  And in postures however unsteady,
+    With his chimney-pot hat on his poll;
+  And our highly respected grand-paters,
+    When wielding their golf-clubs or bats,
+  Or proving their prowess as skaters,
+        Wore cylinder hats.
+
+  Worn straight by the priggish or surly
+    Thou didst not enthuse or beguile;
+  But tilted a little and curly
+    Of brim--how seductive thy style!
+  And never was pride that is proper
+    Sartorially better expressed
+  Than when an immaculate topper
+        Sat light on one's crest.
+
+  The cult of the bicycle, tending
+    To foster a laxer array,
+  And the motor, its influence lending,
+    Both seriously threatened thy sway;
+  But the War, most unfairly combining
+    The motives of comfort and thrift,
+  Thy glory, so sleek and so shining,
+        Has finally biffed.
+
+  Yet I cannot observe thy dethroning
+    Or watch thy effulgence depart
+  Without unaffectedly owning
+    A pang of regret in my heart.
+  I know thou wast stuffy, non-porous,
+    Unstable, top-heavy and hot;
+  But O! thou wast grimly decorous;
+        The bowler is not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Agreed.
+
+    "Original and inspiring as are Mr. Chesterton's writings, the
+    man is very much bigger than his works."--_Everyman._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "TOWN PLUNGED IN DARKNESS.
+
+    Population Warned by Syrens and buzzards."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+"_Our_ little town," writes the correspondent who sends us the above
+cutting, "was warned by dryads and wombats." And of course there is the
+well-known case of the Roman geese and the Capitol.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Organist (willing to help train choir) wanted for country
+    parish. Might suit clergyman's daughter."--_Church Times._
+
+He might, no doubt; but it is not safe to count on these affinities.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Manchester City Council on Wednesday decided to accept the
+    free use of Professor W. B. Bottomley's patients for the
+    conversion of raw peat by means of bacteria."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+If we were the patients we should make a small charge for the loan of
+the germs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There has been a naval skirmish in the Baltic, where the
+    elusive Goeben has been engaged by the Russians with the usual
+    result--the escape of the fugitive battle-cruiser behind the
+    mined defences of the Bosphorus."
+
+    _The Dominion (Wellington, N.Z.)_
+
+It must have been a fine sight to see this elusive vessel jump right
+across Russia and back again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The _Cologne Gazette_, referring to the simplicity of character
+    displayed by King Ferdinand of Bulgaria, says that frequently
+    when walking about the streets of Sofia he purchases a sausage
+    from a stall and eats it with his fingers as he passes along.
+    Latest advices say he is slowly recovering from his illness."
+
+    _Daily Express._
+
+It might have been much worse if he had eaten the sausage with his
+mouth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FLAT OVERTURE.
+
+I.
+
+_3, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 1st._
+
+Mrs. Sleight-Spender presents her compliments to Mrs. Crichton and would
+be obliged if she would prevent what is evidently a schoolroom piano
+being practised late at night, as it is most disturbing when one has
+friends.
+
+
+II.
+
+_7, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 1st._
+
+Mrs. Crichton presents her compliments to Mrs. Sleight-Spender and would
+willingly oblige her, but having neither a schoolroom nor a piano in her
+flat she finds a difficulty in doing so. Possibly if Mrs.
+Sleight-Spender addressed her remonstrance to No. 12, she would discover
+the cause of her complaint and might thereby earn the thanks of her
+neighbours by inducing Mr. Bogloffsksy to practise less for his
+concerts.
+
+
+III.
+
+_3, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 2nd._
+
+Dear Mr. BOGLOFFSKY,--Please forgive me for writing on the impulse of
+the moment in this unconventional way, but I have only just discovered
+that we are neighbours, for the Directory confirms what the unmistakable
+tones of a certain piano had long led me to suspect.
+
+Will you very kindly waive all ceremony and join us at a friendly little
+dinner on the 10th, at 7.30?
+
+Yours sincerely,
+
+Editha Sleight-Spender.
+
+
+IV.
+
+_12, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 2nd._
+
+Dear MRS. SLEIGHT-SPENDER,--Your amiable letter leaves me nothing but
+pleasure. My poor company shall be agreeable to join your hospitable
+family.
+
+With respect, I am, Yours sincere,
+
+Serge Bogloffsky.
+
+
+V.
+
+_From Miss Isolt Sleight-Spender to Miss Marjorie Browne._
+
+(Extract.)
+
+... Oh, my dear, don't reproach me for not having run round. We are
+simply off our heads. Bogloffsky--_the_ Bogloffsky--is coming to dinner
+on Friday next, and the Mudder and I have been simply _tearing_. Even
+the Sticklers have accepted, and we hope to get Sir Henry Say, as the
+Dudder met him once at a City dinner. Of course _I_ shall have to play
+something first. Pity me!....
+
+
+VI.
+
+_From Mrs. Sleight-Spender to Messrs. Rosewood and Sons. March. 3rd._
+
+Mrs. Sleight-Spender requires the use of a _very_ good piano on the
+10th. It must be a _grand_, as it is for Mr. Bogloffsky. Under the
+circumstances Mrs. Sleight-Spender supposes there will be only a nominal
+charge, if any.
+
+
+VII.
+
+_From Sir Henry Say to Cuthbert Haddington. March 11th._
+
+My dear Bertie,--Last night I skimmed some of the cream of life, and
+incidentally got an idea for a _lever de rideau_, of which I make you a
+present.
+
+Far be it from me to glean from the crop of trouble of a man whose salt
+I have eaten, but the situation was a gift from the gods, which I will
+not spoil on a sheet of notepaper. When have you a free evening?
+
+Always, Harry.
+
+
+VIII.
+
+_From Miss Isolt Sleight-Spender to Miss Marjorie Browne._
+
+(Extract.)
+
+... The Mudder is quite ill. It is all through that woman at No. 7. It
+must be because we didn't call on her. But what an evening ruined!
+Bogloffsky behaved like a perfect _pig_ and wouldn't play a note after
+all the trouble he put us to; and when we got up from the table they say
+he sniffed at his coffee and pulled some out of his pocket and rubbed it
+in his hands to make the others smell the difference. Did you ever hear
+of such a thing?....
+
+
+IX.
+
+_From Serge Bogloffsky to Stepan Bogloffsky, Moscow._
+
+(Translation.)
+
+_March_ 11th,
+
+My Brother,--The Mazurka has been found beneath the lid of thy
+pianoforte and is already despatched to thee--that pianoforte, alas!
+which must now remain silent until thy longed-for return. Greet the
+worthy Moschki and request him urgently to send the samples of tea, as I
+have now an opportunity with a wealthy family which may make great
+business.
+
+That thy affairs prosper is my prayer. All the family embrace thee.
+
+Serge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The gunlayer's eye followed it through the air, saw it splash
+    into the sea three hundred yards short of the target, and swore
+    softly."--_Answers._
+
+The gunlayer would seem to have an eloquent eye.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOLDIER POLITICIAN.
+
+A Biographical Note.
+
+Considerable promise was shown in the speech delivered before the House
+of Commons last week by Colonel CHURCHILL. His utterance had the effect
+of instantly lifting that gallant gentleman from the obscurity of life
+"somewhere in France" to something approaching notoriety. Surely few
+soldiers have discovered such a gift of dialectical skill; and the Army
+must feel proud to learn that it possesses an officer who shows himself
+to be as able in the realm of politics as in the profession of arms.
+
+Colonel CHURCHILL'S sensational _tour de force_ has aroused a natural
+interest in his personality. He is still a young man, being only just on
+the wrong side of forty. In choosing a military career he responded to
+hereditary impulse, for he is a direct descendant of that great military
+genius, the Duke of MARLBOROUGH. He entered the army in 1895, when
+little more than a boy. After seeing service in Cuba and India he fought
+in the Egyptian Campaign of 1898, and in a journalistic capacity took
+part in the South African War, the news of his capture being received in
+this country with much feeling. To his skill as a soldier Colonel
+CHURCHILL adds no small ability as a writer, and has published more than
+one book that has attracted favourable notice.
+
+Following upon his remarkable speech of the other night, there has been
+some discussion as to whether Colonel CHURCHILL will definitely take up
+a political career, or return to the trenches. We have it on good
+authority that an old friend, Sir HEDWORTH MEUX, strongly advises him
+not to sacrifice his military prospects. On the other hand, his
+colleagues at the Front feel that in the national interest they are
+prepared to do their best without him, in view of the benefit likely to
+accrue from his remaining at home. In any case it is confidently
+asserted by those who know him that Colonel CHURCHILL has gone far
+towards making a name for himself, and that he is likely to go further
+still if the opportunity is given to him. His future is certain to be
+watched with interest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Delay Before Verdun.
+
+Bosch (quoting "_unser_ Shakspeare"):
+
+    "If it Verdun ven 'tis done, then 't vere vell it Verdun
+    quickly."--_Macbeth, Act_ I. 7.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Music for Conscientious Objectors.
+
+    "St. George's Cathedral.--Anthem, 'I was slack when they said
+    unto me' (Elvey)."
+
+    _Cape Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "Keep yer dressin' by the left there! Blimey!
+you don't want N.C.O.'s--what you want is a bloomin' sheep-dog!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
+
+I never open a book by Mr. ROBERT HALIFAX without a feeling of pleasant
+anticipation, nor close one without a sense of quickened sympathy for my
+fellow-mortals, especially those of them who dwell in Camden Town. His
+latest story, _The Right to Love_ (METHUEN), finds him again on familiar
+ground; but the inhabitants of Widdiford Street have all the freshness
+of real human beings. Perhaps more than its predecessors _The Right to
+Love_ is a story with a purpose and a moral; in it Mr. HALIFAX has
+illustrated by two groups of characters the vexed question of marriage
+failures and the hard lot of the unwanted woman. But do not suppose that
+these characters are merely "cases." On the contrary, it is because they
+are realized as understandable creations of flesh and blood that the
+disasters of _Norah_ and _Tom Spain_ and the tragedy of _Letty
+Summerbee's_ enforced spinsterhood move one to so personal a concern.
+From the moment when _Norah_ and _Tom_ enter their little house after
+the short honeymoon to that in which the tormented young wife finally
+leaves her worthless husband for the protection (word rightly used) of
+his long-suffering friend one is made to feel that exactly thus and thus
+the affair happened, and is happening to like persons every day. As for
+_Letty_, with her restraint, her practical helpfulness and her
+occasional outbursts of emotion thwarted and suppressed, she is a type
+only too convincing. Perhaps one might object that Mr. HALIFAX brings an
+indictment against society without suggesting any practical remedy. Also
+that--as I have noticed before--his humorous characters have a tendency
+to edge away from the rest into the regions of farce. But for all that
+_The Right to Love_ remains a simple, sincere and very moving study.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I like the remark that General JOFFRE made, not to the horse-marines,
+but to the remnants of the six thousand _Fusiliers Marins_ who made up
+the Naval Brigade at Dixmude in November, 1914. "You are my best
+infantrymen," he told them; and, if you want to know why, all you have
+to do is read _Dixmude_ (HEINEMANN), by CHARLES LE GOFFIC. For four
+weeks, shrapnel to right of them, "saucepans" to left of them, volleyed
+and thundered, and for four weeks the six thousand stood in the valley
+of death at Dixmude and held up six times as many Boches, who came on,
+as one of them said, like bugs. Forty thousand was the estimate of the
+number of these marines formed by a German major who was one of their
+prisoners; when he learnt that they were only six he wept with rage and
+muttered, "Ah, if we had only known!" Dixmude was not quite such a big
+affair as Verdun, but the men who held the town, "the young ladies with
+the red pompoms" on their caps, were first cousins to our own Jack Tars.
+Bretons or Britons, there is nothing to choose between them. Sailors
+all, they are the salt of the sea; and this fascinating and
+circumstantial epic of the French marines is not at all an exaggerated
+picture of the cheery courage and endurance of the Breton fisherman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Sussex Gorse_ (NISBET) is a story about the fight between man and
+nature. It is told by Miss SHEILA KAYE-SMITH with considerable power and
+a quickening touch of symbolism that lifts it into romance. The ambition
+of _Reuben Backfield_ was to enlarge the Sussex farm that he had
+inherited from his easy-going father till its bounds should include a
+certain coveted moor. The book shows how his entire life was spent in
+the achievement of this end; how for it he sacrificed his own ease, and
+the happiness of his brother, his two wives and his many children, and
+how finally he triumphed, and in his lonely old age, seeing the desired
+acres all his own, was content. It is a grim book, with only now and
+then a touch of suggested poetry to save it from being uniformly sordid
+and depressing. As it is, the long unsparing struggle takes somehow the
+dignity of an epic. Only one of _Reuben's_ many sons makes any success
+out of life--_Richard_, who becomes a barrister, and treats his father
+to occasional visits of curiosity and amused patronage. There is a
+chapter of cynical humour in which the intolerant contemptuous old
+rustic is confronted by the art-loving triflers who gather in his son's
+drawing-room. Otherwise he is alone. "There's no one gone from here as
+has ever come back!" But I was glad that Miss KAYE-SMITH had the courage
+to play fair by her hero, and to give him at last his share of the hard
+bargain. This is only one of many qualities that make _Sussex Gorse_ a
+novel to be remembered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I can't quite make out what made Mr. WILLIAM HEWLETT persist in
+_Introducing William Allison_ (SECKER). Probably a nice general
+conviction (rather infectious; I caught it) of his own cleverness. If
+his work wants a good deal of pulling together separate bits of it are
+confoundedly well done. The schoolboy conversations (_William_ is a
+Winchester man, thrown into a lawyer's clerkship straight from the
+sixth) and the picture of the superbly groomed associates of his
+friend's brother, _Marmaduke Fenton_, are cases in point, though I don't
+think Winchester would have been so absurdly abashed by the glories of
+bachelordom in Half-Moon Street. So too is the lecture of _Parbury_, the
+neo-decadent, on the cultivation of "that sacred and imperishable
+flower, the white unsullied bloom of an Intensely Useless Life," even if
+it be only a belated cutting from _The Green Carnation_. _William's_
+first boyish passion for a quite cold shop-minx, with its agonies of
+self-abasement and rarefied desire, is uncannily clever; and the
+thoroughly unpleasant episode of our _William_, minx-free, only to be
+caught in the toils of that insatiable sensualist, Mrs. _Daintree_, is
+presented with discreet vigour. There is possibly a moral in the
+fascinating _Marmaduke's_ desperate half-hour in Dr. _Ferox's_
+consulting-room. But Mr. HEWLETT never wrote this flippant tale to point
+a moral. Rather, as I suggest, he seems to have said, "These are samples
+of several _genres_ in which I can succeed on my head. Some day I will
+really finish something. Meanwhile pray be amused."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of Miss ETHEL DELL'S popularity there seems to be no possible doubt, and
+her publishers, Messrs. HUTCHINSON, assure me that her latest, _The Bars
+of Iron_, is the best novel she has written. While accepting their
+unprejudiced judgment I retain the liberty of remaining unimpressed.
+Miss DELL has an eye for a plot and she can make things move; but her
+methods are too feverish for my taste. A man-fight in the prologue is
+followed by a dog-fight in the first chapter, and through the early part
+of the book the _Rev. S. Lorimer_ beats his numerous family again and
+again. It is true that, between her explosions, she introduces certain
+lovable characters, but they fail to correct the general atmosphere of
+violence. Neither the beauty of _Piers Evesham_ (his naked shoulders
+looked "like a piece of faultless statuary, god-like, superbly strong"),
+nor his sympathy with children, offers adequate compensation for his
+volcanic temperament. If Miss DELL, who seems to have a penchant for
+tempestuous heroes, would devote some of her superfluous energy to a
+study of men, so as to get to understand them as well as she understands
+her own sex, it would be a good thing for the quality both of her work
+and of her public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In her latest little volume of verse, modestly entitled _Simple Rhymes
+for Stirring Times_ (PEARSON), Miss JESSIE POPE shows that she has not
+only the right spirit, but a sense of form beyond the common. She does
+not pretend to heroics and she seldom allows herself to touch a note of
+pathos; her mission is just to inspire other hearts with the infectious
+gay courage of her own. It finds a natural expression in the easy lilt
+of her measures. She is fluent rather than polished and never overlays
+her designs with excess of embroidery. Long practice has made her
+familiar with a craft which is not so easy as it looks; and in
+particular she has learnt the art of the final line. Miss POPE may
+possibly run the risk of over-writing herself; but so long as she brings
+a discriminating eye to the choice of what is worth preserving--and she
+has been _quite_ reasonably self-critical in her present selection--the
+matter that she jettisons is no affair of mine. Judging only by what I
+see here, I recognise that, in whatever other way she may be helping the
+cause, through her gift of light-heart verse she is doing--and none more
+bravely--her share of woman's work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Touring Stage Manager (rehearsing super)._ "And when you
+hear the cue, 'Ah, here comes the Kaiser!' you stride slowly on to the
+stage looking like the guilty Monarch."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Journalistic Colour.
+
+    "On all hands their preparations for their ultimate victory are
+    being pressed forward with unflagging zest, and nowhere has the
+    white heat of their resolve grown pale"--_Daily Graphic._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from Scottish Command Orders:--
+
+    "When marriage has actually taken place, the N.C.O. or man
+    should inform O.C. at once, so as to ensure the necessary
+    documents for separation allowance for the wife being made out,
+    and this casualty should in addition be inserted in Part II.
+    Orders."
+
+    _Scotsman._
+
+This appears to confirm the belief that a Scottish marriage is a sort of
+accident that might happen to anyone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is easy to understand why the Zeppelins have a partiality for
+almshouses. They think it's another name for munition works.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of a music-hall action:--
+
+    "In reply to Mr. Justice Darling, he sang comic songs and
+    appeared alone on the stage."--_Morning Paper._
+
+After all the Bench cannot always monopolise the "star turns," even in
+Mr. JUSTICE DARLING'S court.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, MARCH 15, 1916***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22988-8.txt or 22988-8.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22988
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/22988-8.zip b/22988-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4f7b4c4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-8.zip
diff --git a/22988-h.zip b/22988-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7721803
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h.zip
diff --git a/22988-h/22988-h.htm b/22988-h/22988-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8d7f52b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/22988-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2900 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 15, 1916, by Various</title>
+  <style type="text/css">
+  <!--
+  body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+  p                    {text-align: justify;}
+  blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+  h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+  .sc                  {font-variant: small-caps;}
+
+  hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+  html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+  hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+  html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+  hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+  html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+  .note, .footnote     {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+  span.pagenum
+  {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
+
+  .poem
+  {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .drama               {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .drama p             {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;}
+  .drama p.i2          {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;}
+  .drama p.i4          {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;}
+  .drama p.i6          {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;}
+  .drama p.i8          {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;}
+  .drama p.i10         {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+  {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+  .figright            {float: right;}
+  .figleft             {float: left;}
+
+  .inline              {border: none; vertical-align: middle;}
+
+  p.author {text-align: right;}
+
+  .side { float:right;
+          font-size: 75%;
+          width: 25%;
+          padding-left:10px;
+          border-left: dashed thin;
+          margin-left: 10px;
+          text-align: left;
+          text-indent: 0;
+          font-weight: bold;
+          font-style: italic;}
+    hr.pg   { width: 100%;
+              margin-top: 0em;
+              margin-bottom: 0em;
+              border: solid black;
+              height: 5px; }
+    pre      {font-size: 85%; }
+  -->
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+March 15, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 15, 1916</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: October 12, 2007  [eBook #22988]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, MARCH 15, 1916***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 150.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>March 15, 1916.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page177" id="page177"></a>[pg 177]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The Zeppelin which was "winged"
+while flying over Kent last week has
+not yet been found, and is believed to
+be still in hiding in the densely wooded
+country between Maidstone and Ashford.
+Confirmation of this report is
+supplied by a local farmer, who states
+that on three successive nights the
+cat's supper has been stolen from his
+scullery steps. This strange circumstance,
+considered in the light of the
+Germans' inordinate passion for cats'
+meat, has gone far to satisfy the authorities
+that the capture of the crippled
+monster is only a question of time.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">William Aird</span>, in a lecture upon
+"Health, Disease and Economical Living,"
+insisted that we should all be
+much healthier if we lived on "rabbit
+food." Possibly; but the vital question
+is&mdash;would not this diet induce in us
+a tendency to become conscientious
+objectors?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"It is most necessary," stated a
+Manchester economics expert last week,
+"that the Government should release
+more beef for civilian needs." Yet a
+cursory view of the work done by the
+military tribunals seems to indicate
+that they are releasing altogether too
+much.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A Chertsey pig-breeder has been
+granted total exemption. The pen, it
+seems, is still mightier than the sword.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Some slight irritation has been
+caused by the announcement of Sir
+<span class="sc">Alfred Keogh</span> that Naval men engaged
+on the home service cannot be
+supplied with false teeth at the expense
+of the Government. Nevertheless we
+may rest assured that, come what may,
+these gallant fellows will uphold the
+traditions of the Navy and stick to
+their gums.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>For many days past the condition
+of our streets has been really lamentable
+owing to the fact that so many
+of our crossing-sweepers are serving
+with the colours; and a painful report
+is going about that the Government's
+object in recognizing the V. T. C. is at
+last becoming apparent.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A prehistoric elephant has recently
+been discovered at Chatham and is
+now mounted in the British Museum.
+In pal&aelig;ontological circles the report
+that the monster's death was occasioned
+by the consumption of too
+much seed-cake is regarded as going
+far to prove that our neolithic ancestors
+were not without their sentimental side.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/177.png"><img width="100%" src="images/177.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Mistress.</i> <span class="sc">"Well, Jones, I hope we shall get
+more out of the garden this year. We had next to nothing last
+year."</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> <span class="sc">"Ay&mdash;'twere they plaguey pheasants 'ad most on it
+last year."</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Mistress.</i> <span class="sc">"If you ask me, I should say it was
+<i>two-legged</i> pheasants!"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>From a Parliamentary report: "In
+his reply Mr. Asquith stated that the
+'Peace Book' which was being prepared
+to meet problems which would
+arise after the War corresponded with
+the 'War Book' which was compiled
+years ago in anticipation of the War."
+This ought to put heart into the enemy.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Court of Appeal has decided
+that infants are liable to pay income
+tax. It is reported that Sir <span class="sc">John
+Simon</span> is preparing a stinging remonstrance.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Turkish New Year has been
+officially postponed so as to begin on
+March 14th, instead of on March 1st,
+as before. This simple but satisfactory
+method of prolonging the existence of
+a moribund empire has proved so successful
+that <span class="sc">Enver Pasha</span> and a number
+of other Young Turks have indefinitely
+postponed their next birthdays.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Up to the moment of writing there
+has been no confirmation of the report
+that Turkey has given her consent to
+the making of a separate peace by
+Germany on account of the economic
+exhaustion of the latter country.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Extract from letter to <i>The Westminster
+Gazette</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"'M.D.' cannot have studied dietetics, or
+he would know that far greater strength and
+endurance are produced by a fruit and herb
+diet than by what is termed a 'mixed diet,'
+<i>e.g.</i>, the elephant, the horse and the gorilla."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>In the circumstances it is fortunate
+that the scarcity of gorillas puts them
+out of the reach of all but millionaire
+<i>gourmets</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page178" id="page178"></a>[pg 178]</span>
+
+<h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Horse Marine</span>."&mdash;You say you are
+intrigued about <i>The Evening News</i>
+poster, which announced</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Asquith on a moratorium</span>,"
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>and you are curious to know more
+about this animal. We have pleasure
+in informing you that it is distantly related
+to the megatherium, and, since
+the extinction of the latter, has been
+very generally used for hack purposes.
+The <span class="sc">Premier</span> may be seen any morning
+in the Park taking a canter on one of
+these superb mammals.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Winstonian</span>."&mdash;The rumour that
+Colonel the late First Lord of the
+Admiralty has offered himself the
+command of a mine-sweeper or, alternatively,
+of a platoon in the 1/100
+battalion of the Chilterns, lacks confirmation.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Peer of the Realm</span>."&mdash;We agree
+with you in regretting that Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span>
+was unable to accept Lord <span class="sc">Beresford's</span>
+invitation to come and hear him speak
+in your House about the Downing
+Street sandwichmen and other collateral
+subjects arising out of the Air Service
+debate. You will be glad however to
+know that Lord <span class="sc">Fisher's</span> absence was
+not due to indisposition, but to a previous
+engagement to take tea on the
+Terrace with Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">A Lover of the Antique</span>."&mdash;Your
+idea of making a collection of antebellum
+fetishes is a happy one. Examples
+of the Little Navy and Voluntary
+System fetishes are now rather rare, but
+you should have no difficulty in securing
+a well-preserved specimen of the Free
+Trade fetish at the old emporium of
+antiquities kept by the firm of John
+Simon and Co.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">A Single Man</span>."&mdash;When you say
+that you are forty years old, that you
+have practically built up a business
+which will be ruined if you leave it,
+that you are the sole support of a stepmother
+and a family of young half-brothers
+and sisters, but that you have
+felt it your duty to attest without
+appealing for exemption, we applaud
+your patriotism. But, when you go on
+to complain that your neighbour, aged
+twenty-two, living in idleness on an
+allowance, and married to a chorus-girl
+still in her teens and childless, should
+be free to decline service if he chooses
+(as he does), we cannot but disapprove
+of your irreverent and almost immoral
+attitude towards the holy condition of
+matrimony. If the tie of wedlock is
+not to take precedence of every other
+tie, including that of country, where
+are we?</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">A Cry from Macedonia</span>."&mdash;In
+answer to your question as to when we
+think it likely that the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> will
+take advantage of his recently-conferred
+commission in the Bulgarian Army and
+lead his regiment against Salonika, we
+are unable to fix a date for this movement.
+Our private information is that
+he is detained elsewhere by a previous
+engagement which is taking up more
+time than was anticipated.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Bulgar</span>."&mdash;We sympathise with
+you in your natural desire to have
+your <span class="sc">Tsar Ferdinand</span> home again,
+and we share your sanguine belief that
+the tonic air of Sofia (never more
+bracing than at the present moment)
+ought speedily to cure him of his malignant
+catarrh. His Austrian physicians
+however advise him to remain away,
+and he himself holds the view, coloured
+a little by superstition, that his return
+should be at least postponed till after
+the Ides of March, a day that was fatal
+to the health of an earlier C&aelig;sar.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Young Turk</span>."&mdash;Your anxiety
+about <span class="sc">Enver Pasha</span> is groundless. The
+news that he has been recently seen at
+the <span class="sc">Prophet's</span> Tomb at Medina conveyed
+no indication that the object of
+his visit was to select a neighbouring
+site for his own burial. Indeed, our
+information is that since his recent
+assassination (as reported from Athens)
+he has been going on quite as well as
+could be expected.</p>
+
+<p>O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BUILDING WITHOUT TEARS.</h2>
+
+<p>The enthralling correspondence in
+the columns of our contemporary, <i>The
+Spectator</i>, on the subject of cheap cottages
+and how to build them, has
+evoked a vast amount of correspondence
+addressed directly to us. We select a
+few specimens which are recommended
+by their practical and businesslike
+character:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Merits of "Posh."</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;The question of Land
+Settlement after the War resolves itself
+in the last resort into the employment
+of cheaper methods of cottage building.
+Will you allow me to put in a word for
+the revival, in the neighbourhood of the
+sea, of the old Suffolk plan of building
+with what is locally known as "posh,"
+after the name of the original inventor,
+who was an ancestor of <span class="sc">Fitzgerald's</span>
+friend. "Posh" is a mixture of old
+boots&mdash;of which a practically unlimited
+supply can be found on the beaches of
+seaside resorts&mdash;and seaweed, boiled
+into a jelly, allowed to solidify, and then
+frozen hard in cold storage. "Posh"
+is not only (1) impenetrable but also
+(2) hygienic, the iodine in the seaweed
+lending it a peculiarly antiseptic quality,
+and (3) picturesque, the colour of the
+compound being a dark purple, which
+is exceedingly pleasing to the eye.
+Lastly, the cost of production is slight,
+as the raw material can be obtained for
+nothing, and the compound can be
+sawn into blocks or bricks to suit the
+taste of the tenant. I am convinced
+that cottages of "posh" could be built
+for less than a hundred pounds a-piece;
+and at that figure cheap housing becomes
+a practical proposition.</p>
+
+<p>I am, Sir, yours faithfully,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Decimus Dexter.</span></p>
+
+
+<p><span class="sc">"Stooting" and "Marmash."</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;The choice of material
+matters little so long as it is properly
+treated. Any sort of earth will do, or,
+failing earth, a mixture of ashes with
+a little mustard and marmalade, the
+waste of which in most households is
+prodigious. But it must be properly
+pounded and allowed to set in a frame.
+For the former process there is no better
+implement than the old Gloucestershire
+stoot, or stooting-mallot, or in the alternative
+a disused niblick. The earth,
+or the "marmash" mixture, as I have
+christened it, should be poured into a
+bantle-frame&mdash;which can be made by
+any village carpenter&mdash;and vigorously
+pounded for about three hours. Then
+another bantle-frame is placed on the
+first, and the process is repeated. No
+foundation is required for walls erected
+by the plan of stooting, but a damp-course
+of mulpin is advisable, and
+it is always best to pingle the door-jambs,
+and binge up the rafters with
+a crumping-block.</p>
+
+<p>I am, Sir, yours obediently,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mungo Stallibrass.</span></p>
+
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Beauty of "Bap."</span></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;When I was an under-graduate
+at Balliol more years ago
+than I care to remember, I not only
+took part in the road-making experiment
+carried out under <span class="sc">Ruskin</span>'s supervision,
+but assisted in the erection of a
+model cottage, the walls of which were
+made of "bap," a compound which is
+still used in parts of Worcestershire.
+The receipt is very simple. You mix
+clinkers, wampum and spelf in equal
+quantities and condense the compound
+by hydraulic pressure. I have
+a well-trained hydraulic ram who is
+capable of condensing enough "bap"
+in twenty-four hours to provide the
+materials for building six four-roomed
+cottages. I am sorry to say that the
+"bap" cottage at Hinksey was washed
+away by a flood a few years ago, and
+the spot where it stood is no longer
+identifiable. But the facts are as I
+have stated them.</p>
+
+<p>Truly yours, <span class="sc">Roland Phibson.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page179" id="page179"></a>[pg 179]</span>
+
+<h3>THE JUNIOR PARTNERS.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/179.png"><img width="100%" src="images/179.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Ferdie</span>. "THINGS SEEM TO BE AT A STANDSTILL IN MY DEPARTMENT."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sultan</span>. "I ONLY WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME OF MINE."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page180" id="page180"></a>[pg 180]</span>
+
+<h2>AT THE FRONT.</h2>
+
+<p>I  wonder if the chap who first
+thought out this shell business realized
+the extraordinary inconvenience it
+would cause to gentlemen at rest
+during what the Photographic Press
+alludes to as "a lull in the fighting."</p>
+
+<p>Once upon a time billets were billets.
+You came into such, and thereafter for
+a spell of days forgot about the War
+unless you got an odd shell into the
+kitchen. But now&mdash;well, about noon
+on the first day's rest, seventy
+odd batteries of our 12, 16, and
+24 inch guns set about their
+daily task of touching up a
+selected target, say a sap-head
+or something new from Unter
+den Linden in spring barbed-wirings
+which has been puzzling
+a patrol. This is all
+right in its way; but the Hun
+still owns one or two guns
+opposite us. And by 12.5 all
+is unquiet on the Western
+Front. This is all right in its
+way; but about 3 <span class="sc">P.M.</span> the Hun
+is roused to the depths of his
+savage nature, and one wakes
+up to find Hildebrand and Hoffelbuster,
+the two guns told
+off to attend to our liberty
+area, scattering missiles far
+and wide, but mostly wide,
+and a covey of aeroplanes
+bombing the local cabbageries.
+This again is all right in its
+way, but in the meantime the
+mutual noise further up the
+line has become so loud that
+Someone very far back and
+high up catches the echo of it,
+and a bare hour later we receive
+the order to stand-to at
+once, ready to move off twenty
+minutes ago.</p>
+
+<p>Within three minutes of our
+first stand-to I was up with
+the company, hastily but adequately
+mobilized with my
+servant's rifle, five smoke helmets,
+(I took all I could see; this is
+<i>camaraderie</i>), a biscuit, the Indispensable
+Military Pocket Book (8 in.
+by 10 in.), a revolver (disqualified for
+military uses owing to absence of
+ammunition), Russian Picture Tales,
+and a tooth-brush. I find a general
+opinion prevalent in the company that
+"if Fritz knew <i>we</i> was standing-to 'e'd
+pack in." Word must have come
+through to Fritz somehow, for he
+shortly packs in&mdash;say about 1 <span class="sc">A.M.</span>&mdash;and
+we follow suit after the news has
+spent a couple or hours or so flashing
+round the wires in search of us. And
+we go to sleep until to-morrow midday,
+when the day's play begins again.</p>
+
+<p>When we had been thus "rested"
+for some days we went and took over
+a nice new line, with lots of funny bits
+in it. The front line had three bits.</p>
+
+<p><i>Left sector</i>&mdash;Mine (exploded; possibly
+held by Bosch on far side).</p>
+
+<p><i>Central sector</i>&mdash;Mine? (unexploded;
+not held by Bosch anywhere).</p>
+
+<p><i>Right sector</i>&mdash;Mine (exploded; possibly
+held by Bosch on far side).</p>
+
+<p>Our position seemed a little problematical.
+The left and right we satisfied
+ourselves about at once, but the centre
+was in a class by itself. We demanded
+an investigator, somebody with wide
+mine-sweeping experience preferred.</p>
+
+<p>About 2 <span class="sc">A.M.</span> on our first day in,
+a figure loomed up through a snow-storm
+from the back of the central
+trench and asked forlornly if there
+might be any mines hereabouts. We
+admitted there might be, or again there
+might not. He questioned us precisely
+where it was suspected, and we
+told him "underneath." He scratched
+his head and announced that he was
+sent to look for it. His qualifications
+consisted apparently in his having
+coal-mined. But he seemed confident
+of detecting the quicker combustion
+sort, until he asked for necessary impedimenta.
+It seems that no good
+collier can detect an H.E. or any sort
+of mine without a pail of water, and
+a hole about 2,000 feet deep, and a
+pulley, and a rope ladder and a bratting-slat.</p>
+
+<p>It's true we had some good holes
+in parts of the trench, where you
+probably go down 2,000 feet if you
+step off the footboards, and the rest of
+the stuff we might have contrived to
+improvise. But for the moment we
+had somehow run clean out of bratting-slats.</p>
+
+<p>So we had to return the
+poor fellow with a request
+that all experts should be
+completed with bratting-slats
+before being sent to the front
+line. This request only produced
+the senseless interrogation,
+"What <i>is</i> a bratting-slat?"
+to which we have not
+yet bothered to reply. In the
+meantime if we are really sitting
+on a mine it seems quite
+a tame one. It hasn't as much
+as barked yet.</p>
+
+<p>Just in our bit we aren't
+very well off for dug-outs; it
+isn't really what you'd call a
+representative sector from any
+point of view. But during a
+blizzard the other night a
+messenger who had mislaid
+himself took us for a serious
+trench. He made his way
+along, looking to right and left
+for some seat of authority
+until he came to a hole in the
+parados, two feet by one,
+where some fortunate fellow
+had ejected an ammunition
+box and was attempting to boil
+water on a night-light. The
+messenger bent low and asked
+huskily&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Is this 'ere comp'ny edquarters?"</p>
+
+<p>The water-boiler looked up.
+"No," he replied, "it ain't.
+It's G.H.Q., but <span class="sc">Duggie 'Aig</span> ain't at
+'ome to no one this evenin'."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/180.png"><img width="100%" src="images/180.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>First Tommy</i>. "<span class="sc">The C.O.'s recommended you for
+a</span> V.C"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Tommy</i> (<i>half asleep and thinking of C.B.</i>). "<span class="sc">Oh
+lumme! What 'ave I done now</span>?"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"GERMANS' TERRIBLE LOSSES.</p>
+
+<p>WHOLE CORPS WIPED OUT.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">By Lord Northcliffe</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Belfast News Letter.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Yet, with commendable modesty, his
+lordship said nothing about this in his
+recent despatch.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>The Daily News</i> reports the case of
+a conscientious objector at York who
+said he could not take life&mdash;he "would
+not even eat an egg." We ourselves
+have conscientious objections to that
+sort of egg.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page181" id="page181"></a>[pg 181]</span>
+
+<h3>OFFICERS' INSTRUCTION CLASS.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/181.png"><img width="100%" src="images/181.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>First Boy</i>. "<span class="sc">I say, your dad seems to be getting it pretty hot</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Boy</i>. "<span class="sc">Well, you see, this is his first war</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TO THE KING OF SPAIN.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Your Majesty</span>, There is a little village
+in England nestling among wooded
+hills. It has sent forth its bravest and
+best from cottage and farm and manor-house
+to fight for truth and liberty and
+justice. The news of grievous wounds
+and still more grievous deaths, of men
+missing and captured, comes often to
+that quiet hamlet, and the roll of
+honour in the little grey stone church
+grows longer and longer. In the big
+house on the hill, at sunrise and at
+sunset, the young Lady of the Manor
+stands at the bedside of her little son,
+and hears him lisp his simple prayers
+to God, and they always end like
+this:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"And God bless Father and Mother
+and Nurse, and send Father back soon
+from his howwid prison in Germany.
+And God bless 'specially the dear King
+of <span class="sc">Spain</span>, who found out about Father.
+Amen."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The kings of the earth have many
+priceless possessions; they are able to
+confer upon each other various glittering
+orders of merit and distinction;
+but we doubt if any one of them has a
+dearer possession or a more genuine
+order of merit than this simple prayer
+of faith and gratitude offered at sunrise
+and at sunset on behalf of Your Majesty
+by the bedside of a little English child.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE OLD SOLDIER.</h2>
+
+<h3>By a "Temporary" Sub.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There are some men&mdash;and such is Jones&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Who love to vent their antique spleens</p>
+<p>On any subaltern that owns</p>
+<p>He's not a soldier in his bones</p>
+<p class="i4">(<i>I'</i>m not, by any means);</p>
+<p>Who fiercely watch us drill our men</p>
+<p>And tell us things were different when</p>
+<p>(In, I imagine, 1810)</p>
+<p class="i4">They joined the Blue Marines.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I like them not, yet I affect</p>
+<p class="i2">That air of awed humility</p>
+<p>Which I should certainly expect,</p>
+<p>If I were old and medal-deck'd,</p>
+<p class="i4">From young men under me;</p>
+<p>But when they hint their wondrous wit</p>
+<p>Is what has made them feel so fit</p>
+<p>To do their military bit,</p>
+<p class="i4">I simply can't agree.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I said to Jones&mdash;or should have said</p>
+<p class="i2">But feared the Articles of War&mdash;</p>
+<p>"You must not think you have a head</p>
+<p>Because you know from A to Z</p>
+<p class="i4">This military lore,</p>
+<p>By years of study slowly gat</p>
+<p>(And somewhat out-of-date at that),</p>
+<p>When lo, I had the whole thing pat</p>
+<p class="i4">In six small months&mdash;not more."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Maybe the mystic art appals</p>
+<p class="i2">Unlearned souls of low degrees,</p>
+<p>But men to whom the high Muse calls,</p>
+<p>Men who are good enough for Smalls,</p>
+<p class="i4">Imbibe it all with ease;</p>
+<p>While where would Jones, I wonder, be</p>
+<p>If someone took the man for me</p>
+<p>And asked him for some <i>jeu d'esprit</i>,</p>
+<p class="i4">A few bright lines (like these)?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Possibly Jones will one day tire</p>
+<p class="i2">Of fours and fights and iron shards,</p>
+<p>Will seize his pencil and aspire</p>
+<p>To court the Muse and match the fire</p>
+<p class="i4">Of us poetic cards;</p>
+<p>Then I shall mock his meagre strain</p>
+<p>And gaily make the moral plain,</p>
+<p>How barren is the soldier's brain</p>
+<p class="i4">Compared with any bard's.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page182" id="page182"></a>[pg 182]</span>
+
+<h2>A QUESTION OF THE NUDE.</h2>
+
+<p>They scrambled into the carriage in
+a tremendous hurry, all talking at
+once at the tops of their voices, all very
+excited and very dirty. They had mud
+on their boots which had evidently
+come from France, and their overcoats
+had that rumpled appearance which
+distinguishes overcoats from the Front
+from those merely in training.</p>
+
+<p>There seemed to be about ten of
+them as they got into the train, but
+when they had deposited various objects
+on the rack, such as rifles, haversacks,
+and kit-bags like partially deflated airships,
+the number resolved itself into
+three.</p>
+
+<p>The compartment already contained&mdash;besides
+myself&mdash;a naval warrant
+officer, reading <i>Freckles</i> with a
+sentimental expression, and a large
+leading seaman with hands like small
+hams and a peaceful smile like a jade
+Buddha. It said "H.M.S. Hedgehog"
+round his cap, but when I ventured to
+remark that I once in peace-time saw
+and visited that vessel he observed with
+indifference that "cap-ribbons was
+nothin' to go by these days; point o'
+fact, he never see that there ship in
+his puff." Otherwise they maintained
+that deep and significant silence which
+we have learned to associate with our
+Navy.</p>
+
+<p>The Tommies, however, were in very
+talkative vein. "Now," I thought, "I
+shall doubtless hear some real soldiers'
+stories of the War, even as the newspaper
+men hear them and reproduce
+them in the daily prints: the crash of
+the artillery, the wild excitement of
+battle&mdash;in short, the Real Thing...."</p>
+
+<p>A momentous question had evidently
+been under discussion when they entered
+the train, and as soon as they were
+settled in their seats they resumed it.</p>
+
+<p>"Wot I want to know is," said the
+largest of the three, a big man with a
+very square face and blue eyes,&mdash;"wot
+I want to know is&mdash;is that there feller
+to go walkin' about naked?" The
+last word was pronounced as a monosyllable.</p>
+
+<p>He set his fists squarely on his
+knees and glared around him with a
+challenging expression.</p>
+
+<p>"No, it's agin the law," said a small
+man with a very hoarse voice.</p>
+
+<p>"Course it is," rejoined the other.
+"Well, wot's the feller to do? That's
+wot I ast you. If 'e walks about
+naked, well, 'e gets took up for bein'
+naked; if 'e doesn't, why, 'e gets 'ad
+for not returnin' 'is uniform."</p>
+
+<p>He looked round again and decided
+to take the rest of us into consultation.</p>
+
+<p>"This 'ere's 'ow it stands&mdash;see?
+'Ere's a feller got the mitten along o'
+not bein' able to march, through gettin'
+shot in the leg. 'E goes 'ome pendin'
+'is <i>dis</i>charge, an' o' course e' walks
+about in 'is uniform. Then 'e gets 'is
+<i>dis</i>charge, an' they tells 'im to return
+'is kar-kee <i>an'</i> small kit&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"An' small kit?" burst out the third
+member of the party indignantly&mdash;a
+sprightly youth with a very short tunic
+and a pert expression. "Do they want
+you to return your small kit when you
+get the mitten? Watch me returnin'
+mine, that's all!"</p>
+
+<p>"You'll 'ave to," said the voice of
+Discipline.</p>
+
+<p>"'Ave to, I don't think!" said the
+rebel ironically; "I couldn't if I'd
+lorst it."</p>
+
+<p>"I ain't got no small kit, any 'ow,"
+said the small and husky one; "I put
+my 'aversack down when we was
+diggin' one of our chaps out of a Jack
+Johnson 'ole, and some bloomin' blighter
+pinched it! Now that's a thing as I
+don't 'old with. Rotten, I call it. I
+wouldn't say nothing about it, mind
+you, if I was dead; I like to 'ave something
+as belonged to a comrade, myself,
+an' I know as 'e'd feel the same,
+seein' as 'e couldn't want it 'imself.
+But, if you take a feller's things w'en
+'e's alive, why, you don't know 'ow
+bad 'e might want 'em some day."</p>
+
+<p>"Corporal 'e ses to me, las' kit inspection,"
+broke in the fresh-faced
+youth, disregarding this nice point of
+ethics, "'W'ere's your tooth-brush?'
+'e ses. 'Where you won't find it,' I
+ses. ''Oo're you talkin' to?' 'e ses.
+'Dunno,' I ses; 'the ticket's fell
+off!... Wot d'yer call yourself, any'ow,'
+I ses, 'you an' yer stripe?' I ses.
+'Funny bundle,' I ses, 'that's what I
+call you!'"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I don't see wot a feller's got
+to do," said the propounder of the problem,
+returning to the charge. "Granted
+as 'e can't walk about naked; granted
+as 'e 'asn't got a suit o' civvies of 'is
+own&mdash;wot <i>is</i> 'e to do?"</p>
+
+<p>"'Ang on to 'is kar-kee" said the
+hoarse-voiced man. The setter-down
+of corporals retired within himself,
+probably to compose some humorous
+repartee.</p>
+
+<p>The warrant officer came out of
+<i>Freckles</i> and suggested writing a letter.</p>
+
+<p>"'E 'as done. 'E's wrote an' told
+'em 'as 'e can't send 'is kar-kee back
+until 'e gets a suit o' Martin 'Enry's or
+thirty bob in loo of same. An' all as
+they done was to write again an'
+demand 'is uniform at once."</p>
+
+<p>The warrant officer sighed and
+opined that orders were orders.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but 'e 'd 'ave to carry 'em to
+the Post Office naked, wouldn't 'e? An'
+'ow about goin' to buy new ones?
+That's if 'e 'd drawed 'is pay, which 'e
+'asn't.  Unreasonable, that's wot I
+calls it."</p>
+
+<p>"'Asn't 'e got no civvies at all?"
+said the small man, beginning to look
+sceptical. "'Asn't 'e got no one as 'd
+lend 'im a soot? Anyways, 'e could get
+some one to post 'em for 'im, an' then
+stop in bed till 'is others come."</p>
+
+<p>"'E's a very lonely feller," said the
+champion of the unclad; "'e lives in
+lodgin's, an 'e 'asn't got no friends. If
+'e 'adn't got no clothes for to fetch 'is
+pay in, wot then?"</p>
+
+<p>A gloomy silence, a silence fraught
+with the inevitability of destiny, settled
+on the party.</p>
+
+<p>The warrant officer, who had been
+pretending to resume <i>Freckles</i>, presently
+looked up and suggested that he
+could go in his uniform to a tailor,
+explain the position and obtain clothes
+on credit.</p>
+
+<p>The originator of the problem thought
+hard for a minute.</p>
+
+<p>"'E isn't a man as I'd care to trust
+myself," he said rather unexpectedly,
+"an' I don't think no one else would
+neither."</p>
+
+<p>It was at this point that the man
+from H.M.S. <i>Hedgehog</i> (or, to be precise,
+H.M.S. <i>Something Else</i>) fell into
+the conversation suddenly, like a bomb.</p>
+
+<p>"'E wouldn't be naked," he said
+earnestly; "'e'd 'ave 'is shirt."</p>
+
+<p>This was a staggerer.  One of those
+great simple truths sometimes overlooked
+by more abstruse thinkers. But
+the owner of the problem made one
+more stand.</p>
+
+<p>"'Oo'd walk about in a shirt?" he
+said scornfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Me," said the large seaman,
+"time I was torpedoed...."</p>
+
+<p>He didn't say another word; but the
+problem was irretrievably lost. There
+had been something magnificently
+daring about the idea of a man walking
+about like a lost cherub; partly clothed,
+nobody cared very much what became
+of him.</p>
+
+<p>Besides, we all wanted to hear Admiralty
+secrets. We sat there in
+respectful silence while the train
+rattled on its way; but the large seaman
+only went on smiling peacefully
+to himself, as if he were ruminating in
+immense satisfaction upon unprecedented
+bags of submarines.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The architect for the new building left
+nothing out that would at all hamper the
+comfort of those who make this hotel their
+stopping place."&mdash;<i>New Zealand Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We know that architect.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The <i>Severn</i> was moored in a position 1,000
+miles closer to the enemy than on July 6,
+which made her fire much more effective."
+<i>Natal Mercury.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We can well believe this.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page183" id="page183"></a>[pg 183]</span>
+
+<h3>ANOTHER INDISPENSABLE.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/183.png"><img width="100%" src="images/183.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Chief of Village Fire Brigade.</i> <span class="sc">"We're all ready. Is steam up?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Engineer (temporary).</i> <span class="sc">"If you want steam in this engine
+you'll have to get Thompson 'ome from France to show me 'ow to light the
+bloomin' fire."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TO MY COLD.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Lord of the rheumy eyes and blowing nose,</p>
+<p>On whom no fostering sun has ever shone,</p>
+<p>What mak'st thou here? Didst thou in sooth believe</p>
+<p>Thy presence would be welcome? Hast thou come</p>
+<p>Thinking to please me&mdash;me who, not at all</p>
+<p>Wanting to catch, have caught thee full and fair,</p>
+<p>And, loth to get, have got thee none the less?</p>
+<p>Why couldst thou not in thine own realms have stayed?</p>
+<p>Thou mightst have found&mdash;I can't go on like this;</p>
+<p>These second persons singular of verbs</p>
+<p>Are far too tricky; once involved in these,</p>
+<p>For instance, "lovedst" and "spreadst" and "stillst" and "gapest,"</p>
+<p>And thousands more&mdash;once, as I say, involved</p>
+<p>In these too clinging tendrils one is done;</p>
+<p>And so I find I cannot write an ode,</p>
+<p>Not even a ten-syllabic blank-verse ode,</p>
+<p>In second persons singular of verbs,</p>
+<p>In "snifflest" and in "wheezest" and the rest,</p>
+<p>For I am sure to trip and spoil the thing,</p>
+<p>And bring grammatic censure on my head.</p>
+<p>Be, therefore, plural&mdash;"you" instead of "thou"&mdash;</p>
+<p>Which makes things simpler. Now we can get on.</p>
+<p>O fain-avoided and most loathsome Cold,</p>
+<p>You with the sneezing, teasing, wheezing airs,</p>
+<p>What make you here at such a time as this,</p>
+<p>Melting my snowy store of handkerchiefs,</p>
+<p>Rasping my throat and bringing aches to range</p>
+<p>At large within the measure of my head?</p>
+<p>Platoon-Commanders of the Volunteers,</p>
+<p>Who now are recognised (three cheers!) at last,</p>
+<p>And of whose number I who write am one,</p>
+<p>Should be immune from colds; they sound absurd</p>
+<p>When bidding men to "boove to th' right id Fours,"</p>
+<p>Or "order arbs" (or slope) or "stad at ease,"</p>
+<p>Or "od the left" (or right) to "forb platood."</p>
+<p>Even the most submissive men begin</p>
+<p>To lose respect when such commands ring out.</p>
+<p>Wherefore, my cold&mdash;<i>atchoo</i>, <i>atchoo</i>&mdash;be off,</p>
+<p>Lest I report you and your deeds aright</p>
+<p>To Mr. <span class="sc">Tennant</span> at the War Office.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>In the cast of The Real Thing at Last:&mdash;</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Nearly murdered ... Mr. Godfrey Tearle (by permission of the
+Adelphi Theatre Co.)."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>A sorry return for Mr. <span class="sc">Tearle's</span> excellent work.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">The Floods in Holland</span>.</p>
+
+<p>General Goethals states that he cannot predict a date for reopening
+the Panama Canal on account of the uncertainty of the movement
+of the slides."&mdash;<i>North China Daily News.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It looks like an infringement of the Monroe doctrine.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page184" id="page184"></a>[pg 184]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/184.png"><img width="100%" src="images/184.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Artistic Lady (who has just had her drawing-room
+redecorated).</i> <span class="sc">"Well, cook, what do you think of it?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Cook.</i> <span class="sc">"It's a bit bare-like, isn't it, Mum? I dessay I'm
+old-fashioned, but I never reely feel an 'ome's an 'ome without a
+Haspidisterer."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>RECIPROCITY IN FICTION.</h2>
+
+<h3>Forthcoming Masterpieces.</h3>
+
+<p>"It is not often," says a writer of
+what is called "Literary Intelligence,"
+"that a novelist adopts a living fellow-worker
+as the central figure of his
+story. This is, however, the case with
+<i>My Lady of the Moor</i>, which Messrs.
+<span class="sc">Longmans</span> will shortly publish for Mr.
+<span class="sc">John Oxenham</span>. While wandering on
+Dartmoor he stumbled into a living
+actual romance, of which Miss <span class="sc">Beatrice
+Chase</span>, author of several popular books
+about Dartmoor, was the centre. This
+book tells the tale, which is named after
+Miss <span class="sc">Chase</span>, <i>My Lady of the Moor</i>, and
+it has of course been written with her
+full consent and approval."</p>
+
+<p>But the "Literary Intelligencer" did
+not know that Mr. <span class="sc">Oxenham</span> is not the
+dazzling innovator that he might be
+thought. Why, even at the moment
+that Mr. <span class="sc">Oxenham</span> was serving up Miss
+<span class="sc">Chase</span> on toast, but always, of course,
+with perfect taste, Miss <span class="sc">Chase</span> was
+performing the same culinary business
+for him. For her next novel, to be entitled
+with great charm <i>My Gentleman
+of the Cheek</i>, will present a faithful
+picture of the gifted <span class="sc">John</span> and the
+figure he cut on Dartymoor all among
+the thikkies and down-alongs and tors.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Hall Caine</span>, having just been
+pleading in public for more War realism
+from literary artists, has in preparation
+a fascinating new romance entitled
+<i>Marie of Stratford</i>, which depicts, with
+all this master's restraint, power and
+genius, various phases in the life of a
+sister-novelist of whose existence he
+has recently heard. Nothing at once
+so charming and so arresting has been
+published for days.</p>
+
+<p>It is announced that Miss <span class="sc">Marie
+Corelli</span>, who for too long has vouchsafed
+nothing fresh to her countless
+admirers, has just completed the (Isle
+of) Manuscript of a story which, like
+all her works, is epoch-making. Connoisseurs
+of literature, always eager for
+a new <i>frisson</i>, will be fascinated to
+learn that this novel has for its subject
+a fellow-novelist of whose retired existence
+she has but lately become aware.
+It takes the form of a saga and is
+entitled <i>Hall of the Three Legs</i>. Editions
+of a size commensurate with the
+scarcity of paper are being prepared.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile we are informed that
+Mr. <span class="sc">Tasker Jevons</span> is at work upon a
+trilogy of vast dimensions and meticulous
+detail, of which the heroine is
+Miss <span class="sc">May Sinclair</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The General Manager, in reply, said:
+Seeing that the privilege of addressing you in
+annual meeting comes to me once only in
+every forty-four years of service, and having
+regard to the vast interests included in this
+vote of thanks, there might be found some
+excuse for elaboration of acknowledgment
+were it not that discursiveness is entirely at
+variance with the habits of the staff."</p>
+
+<p><i>Pall Mall Gazette.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>After another forty-four years' silence
+we hope he will really let himself go.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>An Exchange of Ivories.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Wanted, piano; dentist willing to make
+artificial teeth for same, or part."</p>
+
+<p><i>Edinburgh Evening Despatch.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A Hint to the Censor.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"To cool hot journals apply a dressing made
+of 11 lb. blacklead, 23 lb. Epsom salts, 9 lb.
+sulphur, 2 lb. lampblack and 5 lb. oxalic acid,
+mixed and ground together."&mdash;<i>Ironmonger.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page185" id="page185"></a>[pg 185]</span>
+
+<h3>HIS BARK IS ON THE SEA.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/185.png"><img width="100%" src="images/185.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Mr. Punch.</span> "AND WHAT DID YOU THINK OF COLONEL
+CHURCHILL'S SPEECH, SIR?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Admiral Jellicoe.</span> "I'M AFRAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS.
+I'M NOT A POLITICIAN."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Punch.</span> "THANK GOD FOR THAT, SIR!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page186" id="page186"></a>[pg 186]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, March 7th.</i>&mdash;The House of
+Commons to-day devoted itself to the
+process curiously known as "getting
+the <span class="sc">Speaker</span> out of the Chair." The
+phrase suggests reluctance on the part
+of the occupant to leave his seat; though
+I cannot recall any occasion when the
+employment of force has been
+necessary to persuade Mr.
+<span class="sc">Lowther</span> to resign to the
+Chairman of Committees
+the duty of listening to dull
+speeches. But this afternoon
+I can imagine that the
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span> would have been
+well content to remain. For
+there was fun brewing. Mr.
+<span class="sc">Balfour</span> was to introduce
+the Naval Estimates, and his
+dear friend and ex-colleague,
+Colonel <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span>,
+was announced to follow him.
+The conjunction of these
+highly-electrified bodies is
+always apt to produce sparks.
+The House was well filled,
+and over the clock could be
+seen Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span>, like "a
+sweet little cherub that sits up
+aloft to keep watch for the
+life of poor Jacky." The
+last time Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span>
+spoke of Naval affairs in the
+House he was not quite nice
+to Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span>. Would he
+be nicer this time?</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/186.png"><img width="100%" src="images/186.png" alt=""/></a><p>WINSTON ON LEAVE.</p>
+
+<p><i>Bluejacket</i>. <span class="sc">"A party coming aboard, Sir, to see if the
+Fleet's all right."</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Admiral Balfour</i>. <span class="sc">"What sort of party?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Bluejacket</i>. "<span class="sc">Well, Sir, he's got spurs on</span>."</p></div>
+
+<p>I think Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span> must
+be something of a thought-reader.
+Intermingled with
+his narration of the varied
+and wonderful achievements
+of the Fleet, past and present,
+his description of the constant
+efforts to increase it
+both in ships and men, and
+his quietly confident prophecy
+that with this sure shield we
+might face the future in
+cheerful serenity, there were
+little sidethrusts at an imaginary
+critic. Some people
+had been silly enough to
+suggest that the new Board
+of Admiralty was so content
+with what had been done by "my
+right hon. and learned&mdash;I beg his
+pardon&mdash;gallant friend" that it had
+adopted a policy of "rest and be thankful".
+But there was no justification
+for "a certain kind of sub-acid
+pessimism that sometimes reaches my
+ears", and he must be a poor-spirited
+creature who, having been happy about
+the Navy in August, 1914, could be
+depressed about in March, 1916.</p>
+
+<p>Then Colonel <span class="sc">Churchill</span> proceeded
+to put the cap on. He has been
+studying the problems of sea-power
+in the trenches of Flanders, and the
+process has led him to gloomy conclusions.
+Suppose the Germans have
+been building more ships than we
+have: suppose they have put into them
+bigger guns than we wot of; suppose
+they were to come out at their selected
+moment and found us at our average
+moment.... The House was beginning
+to be a little weary of these
+depressing hypotheses when it was
+suddenly brought up all standing by
+the discovery that the orator was
+delivering a eulogy on Lord Fisher.
+He was the man who got things
+done in a hurry.  He was the man
+who had the driving power. They
+had "parted brass-rags" over Gallipoli,
+it was true; but by-gones were by-gones.
+Having been away for some
+months, his mind was now clear (irreverent
+laughter), and he had come to
+recognise that his former foe was the
+only possible First Sea Lord.</p>
+
+<p>It must have been a little embarrassing
+for Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span> to sit still and
+hear his praises thus chanted. But it
+is difficult to escape from the seat over
+the Clock without treading upon other
+people's toes, and this Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span>
+is notoriously averse from
+doing. The moment, however,
+that Colonel <span class="sc">Churchill</span>
+had finished he left the
+Gallery; but before he could
+wholly emerge he had to
+suffer the further shock of
+being cheered by some over-enthusiastic
+admirers behind
+him. It was a pity he left
+so soon, for later Sir <span class="sc">Hedworth
+Meux</span>, fresh from
+Portsmouth, had some things
+to say which would not have
+compelled his blushes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, March 8th.</i>&mdash;Members
+wondered yesterday
+why no reply to Colonel
+<span class="sc">Churchill</span> was forthcoming
+from the Treasury Bench.
+Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span> made ample
+amends to-day for the
+omission. There is something
+in the personality of
+his critic&mdash;memories of Lord
+<span class="sc">Randolph</span>, perhaps&mdash;that
+seems to put on extra polish
+on Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour's</span> rapier
+when he deals with him.
+Who that heard it will ever
+forget his inimitable description
+of the then <span class="sc">Home
+Secretary</span> superintending&mdash;"with
+a photographer"&mdash;the
+historic Siege of Sidney
+Street? This afternoon his
+sword-play was equally brilliant;
+and there was even more
+force behind the thrusts. If
+there had been delay in the
+progress of the new Dreadnoughts
+why was it? Because
+his right hon. predecessor had
+diverted the guns and gun-mountings
+intended for them
+into his new-fangled monitors.
+He had boasted of his
+own rapid shipbuilding. It had indeed
+been rapid&mdash;so much so that some of
+the vessels thus hastily constructed had
+now been remodelled. Coming to the
+proposed "remedy"&mdash;the recall of
+Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span> to the Board of Admiralty&mdash;Mr.
+<span class="sc">Balfour</span> assumed a sterner
+tone. He reminded the house that
+Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span> had been accused by his
+present champion of not having given
+him clear guidance or firm support
+over the Gallipoli Expedition. Colonel
+<span class="sc">Churchill's</span> present opinion of Lord
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page187" id="page187"></a>[pg 187]</span>
+<span class="sc">Fisher</span> was totally inconsistent with
+that which he had expressed a few
+months ago: possibly they were both
+remote from the truth. But it was an
+amazing proposition that the Government
+should be asked to dismiss Sir
+<span class="sc">Henry Jackson</span>, an officer who was
+everything that Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span> according
+to Colonel <span class="sc">Churchill</span> was not. He
+himself would not yield an inch to such
+a demand.</p>
+
+<p>Spontaneous debate has never been
+the Colonel's strong point. His oratorical
+engines are driven by midnight
+oil. Wisely, therefore, he did
+not attempt an elaborate <i>r&eacute;plique</i> to
+Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour's</span> "sword-play," but contented
+himself with a brief restatement
+of his case.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, March 9th.</i>&mdash;Prophets
+swarm in both Houses of Parliament,
+but the House of Lords is unique in
+possessing one who confines himself to
+subjects which he has at his fingers'
+ends and whose prophecies have a habit
+of coming true. What Lord <span class="sc">Montagu
+of Beaulieu</span> does not know of the
+petrol engine, and its use on land or
+sea or in the air, is not worth knowing.
+Seven years ago he warned his countrymen
+of the bomb-dropping possibilities
+of the new German air-ships. A little
+later he pointed out that it was very
+doubtful if dirigible balloons could be
+successfully attacked by gunfire from
+the ground, and that the only effective
+way of opposing them was to meet
+like with like. Again in 1913 he dwelt
+upon the inadequacy of our aerial
+defences.</p>
+
+<p>His object to-day was not to extol
+his own merits as a prophet, but to
+get the Government to act on the motto
+"One Element One Service" and
+establish a single Ministry of the Air.
+Lord <span class="sc">Haldane</span> thought we ought to do
+some "violent thinking" before adopting
+the proposal, but quite agreed (with
+a reminiscent glance at the Woolsack)
+that we had not made sufficient use of
+lighter-than-air machines. That was
+Lord <span class="sc">Beresford's</span> view, too; we must
+oppose Zeps to Zeps. Then, having
+evidently done some violent thinking
+over the recent debate in the
+Commons he launched out into a
+wholly irrelevant attack upon Colonel
+<span class="sc">Churchill</span> for trying to create anxiety
+about the Fleet, and appealed to Lord
+<span class="sc">Fisher</span> (who was not present though
+Lord <span class="sc">Beresford</span> had particularly invited
+him) to repudiate the agitation conducted
+by the honourable Member for
+<span class="sc">Dundee</span>, a few newspapers and twenty
+sandwichmen. Lord <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span> subsequently
+noted that this most irregular
+digression appeared to be "not wholly
+distasteful" to the peers assembled.
+Turning to Lord <span class="sc">Montagu's</span> proposal
+he pointed out that the Government
+had gone some way to meet it by
+setting up Lord <span class="sc">Derby's</span> Committee.
+But, though prepared to see the Cabinet
+increased to a round couple of dozen,
+he was not convinced that the only way
+to remove imperfections was to appoint
+a new Minister to deal with them.</p>
+
+<p>It seems probable therefore that
+there is no truth in the report that
+Colonel <span class="sc">Churchill</span> has been asked to
+join the Government as Minister of
+Admonitions.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/187.png"><img width="100%" src="images/187.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Tommy (who is learning every minute about barbed-wire
+defences).</i> <span class="sc">"When I gets home, no more perishin' cats shall ever
+get into my back garden."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Painful Accident to a Clergyman.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"While the Rev. Mr. Stulting was camping
+out one of his calves was attacked and stung
+to death by a passing swarm of bees."</p>
+
+<p><i>Cape Argus.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Thomas Mackenzie</span>, as reported
+by <i>The East Anglian Daily Times</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"I now think it is time you intermingled
+with your affairs a little of the wisdom of the
+sergent instead of the dove-like kindness which
+you have showed to the Germans in the past."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>There is a strong feeling among our
+N.C.O.'s that this is sound advice.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Lord Strachie asked in the House of Lords
+yesterday whether the Government proposed
+to restrict the importation of hope."</p>
+
+<p><i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We understand that the answer was
+in the negative, as, owing to the activity
+of pessimists, there is still some shortage
+in the home-grown supplies.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page188" id="page188"></a>[pg 188]</span>
+
+<h2>THE RECONCILIATION.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note">It is thought that the following story
+may have been intended for the "Organ
+of Organs" (R.A.M.C.).</blockquote>
+
+<p>Charles, the young Army Medical,
+went down on one patella. His heart
+(a hollow muscular pump) was driving
+blood from its ventricles as it had
+never yet driven it in all its twenty-five
+years of incessant labour. Further, by
+flattening the arch of his diaphragm
+and elevating his ribs and sternum,
+Charles was increasing the cavity of
+his thorax and taking in air. Immediately
+the diaphragm and the sternum
+and costal cartilages relaxed again the
+air escaped. The lungs of Charles
+were doing their work. Fast and yet
+faster became his breathing.</p>
+
+<p>"Mabel," he murmured, "Mabel!"</p>
+
+<p>The girl made no movement. Her
+respiration continued, but no impulse
+to action reached her nerve-centres.
+Yet, without an effort on her part, her
+tissues in one minute produced enough
+heat to boil one twenty-fourth of a pint
+of water.</p>
+
+<p>"Wonderful!" he whispered hoarsely,
+probably thinking of this, "you are
+wonderful."</p>
+
+<p>You will not marvel that his voice
+was gruff when I tell you that the
+membrane of the larynx was inflamed.
+Greater men than Charles have become
+hoarse in such circumstances.</p>
+
+<p>Immediately the blood rushed to the
+capillaries of Mabel's cheeks and her
+colour deepened. She trembled slightly.</p>
+
+<p>"There, that's it!" he cried, gazing
+rapturously.</p>
+
+<p>"What?" she gasped, startled by
+his passion.</p>
+
+<p>"Again that artery below your ear
+is throbbing, throbbing, and"&mdash;his
+voice rose in despair&mdash;"I can never
+remember the name! Can you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Alas," she moaned, "I do not
+know it! Oh, Charles, there is something
+I must tell you at once."</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?" he cried with sudden
+fear. "What is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, I&mdash;I&mdash;&mdash;Oh, I do not know
+how to say it. Charles, you will never
+forgive me!"</p>
+
+<p>"What is it, dearest? Tell me&mdash;you
+can trust me. The medical profession&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then, I tried to bandage
+little Johnny's foot yesterday, and&mdash;and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Calm yourself, dear. And&mdash;&mdash;?"</p>
+
+<p>"I tied a 'granny' knot. Oh, Charles,
+<i>don't</i> be angry. I <i>know</i> it ought to
+have been a 'reef'!"</p>
+
+<p>He looked about him dully, like
+a man stunned.</p>
+
+<p>"Charles," she moaned, "listen!
+After all, I put it on the wrong
+foot."</p>
+
+<p>He started violently.</p>
+
+<p>"Mabel," he cried, "you are sure?
+Then I will not let you go. Had you
+tied that 'granny' knot on the right
+foot, I&mdash;we&mdash;as an R.A.M.C. man,
+I&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>She clung to him sobbingly.</p>
+
+<p>"Charles, oh Charles," she panted,
+"you have proved it to me. You love
+me! (Is my heart throbbing now?)
+You love me and it will break for
+joy!"</p>
+
+<p>The phalanges and the metacarpal
+bones of her left hand clicked together
+as if in sympathy as she flung it to her
+side.</p>
+
+<p>Again her cerebrum flashed its joyful
+message, so that she repeated, "My
+heart!"</p>
+
+<p>At the word Charles, the R.A.M.C.
+man, rose from his patella and placed
+his hands firmly on his femur bones.</p>
+
+<p>His whole bearing had changed.</p>
+
+<p>"This," he said slowly and ringingly,
+"is the end. When I entered
+this room I loved you&mdash;I admit it.
+But&mdash;you have deceived me! Look at
+that hand! It is covering&mdash;what? The
+floating costae! Your heart is not
+where you would have me believe.
+It is fully three inches higher and
+more to the right. That is not a small
+matter, or one with which you should
+trifle as you do. But you have deceived
+me in a greater than that."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, what is it? What have I
+done?" sobbed Mabel hysterically.</p>
+
+<p>"The greater matter," continued
+Charles in trumpet tones, "is that <i>the
+heart is not the seat of the emotions at
+all</i>. I can only conclude that your
+agitation was feigned. I wish you
+good-day, Madam."</p>
+
+<p>He had reached the door when she
+cried aloud.</p>
+
+<p>"Charles!"</p>
+
+<p>An urgent message from Charles's
+cerebellum, delivered to certain motor
+nerves by way of the spinal cord, disposed
+him to turn on his heel.</p>
+
+<p>He waited in silence.</p>
+
+<p>"Charles dearest, if it was the wrong
+place, and I didn't cover my heart after
+all, why, Charles, remember Johnny's
+foot and be logical!"</p>
+
+<p>She was there before him, glorious,
+and Charles stood dazzled.</p>
+
+<p>"You are right!" he cried. "Mabel!
+If you <i>had</i> covered your heart!!"</p>
+
+<p>"Charles!!!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/188a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/188a.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Householder (with the Zeppelin obsession).</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">"Ah, I Like the Snow. It Reduces The
+Menace From Above."</span></p></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/188b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/188b.png" alt=""/></a><p>!!!!!!</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Yesterday between Forges and Bethincourt,
+west of the Meuse, the enemy made use
+of suffocating gas, but did not attack with
+infancy."&mdash;<i>Timaru Herald (N.Z.).</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We are glad to have this evidence that
+the Huns have given up using children
+to screen their advances.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Plagues of rates have appeared at Pinsk,
+and in the British trenches."</p>
+
+<p><i>Buenos Ayres Herald.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Even at home we have not entirely
+escaped the epidemic.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Floating Baby Found Unarmed."</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Had the Huns known of its defenceless
+condition they would never have
+allowed it to escape.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"'Like a poet, a geographer is born, not
+mad,' once wrote Sir Clements Markham."</p>
+
+<p><i>Times of India.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Some poets will be greatly relieved by
+this doctrine.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page189" id="page189"></a>[pg 189]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/189.png"><img width="100%" src="images/189.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Oldest Inhabitant (finally).</i> <span class="sc">"I tell 'ee I
+bain't goin' outside the door. Why, what'd folks think of me with no
+badge, nor harmlet, nor nothin'?"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>LINES TO AN OLD FRIEND.</h2>
+
+<blockquote class="note">Dr. <span class="sc">George Pernet</span>, in a recent treatise
+on "The Health of the Skin," discusses the
+continued decline in the popularity of the
+tall hat.</blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>O emblem of British decorum,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whose vogue, for a century back,</p>
+<p>In the Mart, in the House or the Forum</p>
+<p class="i2">Few dared to impugn or attack;</p>
+<p>'Tis sad, though the best of our bankers</p>
+<p class="i2">Refuse to allow such a lapse,</p>
+<p>That our youth irrepressibly hankers</p>
+<p class="i6">For straws and for caps.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><i>Mr. Seagram</i>, in <i>Masterman Ready</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is pictured in many a hole,</p>
+<p>And in postures however unsteady,</p>
+<p class="i2">With his chimney-pot hat on his poll;</p>
+<p>And our highly respected grand-paters,</p>
+<p class="i2">When wielding their golf-clubs or bats,</p>
+<p>Or proving their prowess as skaters,</p>
+<p class="i6">Wore cylinder hats.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Worn straight by the priggish or surly</p>
+<p class="i2">Thou didst not enthuse or beguile;</p>
+<p>But tilted a little and curly</p>
+<p class="i2">Of brim&mdash;how seductive thy style!</p>
+<p>And never was pride that is proper</p>
+<p class="i2">Sartorially better expressed</p>
+<p>Than when an immaculate topper</p>
+<p class="i6">Sat light on one's crest.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The cult of the bicycle, tending</p>
+<p class="i2">To foster a laxer array,</p>
+<p>And the motor, its influence lending,</p>
+<p class="i2">Both seriously threatened thy sway;</p>
+<p>But the War, most unfairly combining</p>
+<p class="i2">The motives of comfort and thrift,</p>
+<p>Thy glory, so sleek and so shining,</p>
+<p class="i6">Has finally biffed.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet I cannot observe thy dethroning</p>
+<p class="i2">Or watch thy effulgence depart</p>
+<p>Without unaffectedly owning</p>
+<p class="i2">A pang of regret in my heart.</p>
+<p>I know thou wast stuffy, non-porous,</p>
+<p class="i2">Unstable, top-heavy and hot;</p>
+<p>But O! thou wast grimly decorous;</p>
+<p class="i6">The bowler is not.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Agreed.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Original and inspiring as are Mr. Chesterton's
+writings, the man is very much bigger
+than his works."&mdash;<i>Everyman.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"TOWN PLUNGED IN DARKNESS.</p>
+
+<p>Population Warned by Syrens
+and buzzards."</p>
+
+<p><i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>"<i>Our</i> little town," writes the correspondent
+who sends us the above
+cutting, "was warned by dryads and
+wombats." And of course there is
+the well-known case of the Roman
+geese and the Capitol.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Organist (willing to help train choir)
+wanted for country parish. Might suit clergyman's
+daughter."&mdash;<i>Church Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>He might, no doubt; but it is not safe
+to count on these affinities.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The Manchester City Council on Wednesday
+decided to accept the free use of Professor
+W. B. Bottomley's patients for the conversion
+of raw peat by means of bacteria."</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>If we were the patients we should
+make a small charge for the loan of
+the germs.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"There has been a naval skirmish in the
+Baltic, where the elusive Goeben has been engaged
+by the Russians with the usual result&mdash;the
+escape of the fugitive battle-cruiser behind
+the mined defences of the Bosphorus."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Dominion (Wellington, N.Z.)</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It must have been a fine sight to see
+this elusive vessel jump right across
+Russia and back again.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The <i>Cologne Gazette</i>, referring to the simplicity
+of character displayed by King Ferdinand
+of Bulgaria, says that frequently when
+walking about the streets of Sofia he purchases
+a sausage from a stall and eats it with
+his fingers as he passes along. Latest advices
+say he is slowly recovering from his illness."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Express.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It might have been much worse if he
+had eaten the sausage with his mouth.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page190" id="page190"></a>[pg 190]</span>
+
+<h2>A FLAT OVERTURE.</h2>
+
+<h3>I.</h3>
+
+<p><i>3, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W.
+March 1st.</i></p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Sleight-Spender presents her
+compliments to Mrs. Crichton and
+would be obliged if she would prevent
+what is evidently a schoolroom piano
+being practised late at night, as it is
+most disturbing when one has friends.</p>
+
+
+<h3>II.</h3>
+
+<p><i>7, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W.
+March 1st.</i></p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Crichton presents her compliments
+to Mrs. Sleight-Spender and
+would willingly oblige her, but having
+neither a schoolroom nor a piano in
+her flat she finds a difficulty in doing
+so. Possibly if Mrs. Sleight-Spender
+addressed her remonstrance to No. 12,
+she would discover the cause of her
+complaint and might thereby earn the
+thanks of her neighbours by inducing
+Mr. Bogloffsksy to practise less for his
+concerts.</p>
+
+
+<h3>III.</h3>
+
+<p><i>3, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W.
+March 2nd.</i></p>
+
+<p>Dear Mr. <span class="sc">Bogloffsky</span>,&mdash;Please forgive
+me for writing on the impulse of
+the moment in this unconventional
+way, but I have only just discovered
+that we are neighbours, for the Directory
+confirms what the unmistakable
+tones of a certain piano had long led
+me to suspect.</p>
+
+<p>Will you very kindly waive all ceremony
+and join us at a friendly little
+dinner on the 10th, at 7.30?</p>
+
+<p>Yours sincerely,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Editha Sleight-Spender.</span></p>
+
+
+<h3>IV.</h3>
+
+<p><i>12, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W.
+March 2nd.</i></p>
+
+<p>Dear <span class="sc">Mrs. Sleight-Spender</span>,&mdash;Your
+amiable letter leaves me nothing
+but pleasure. My poor company shall
+be agreeable to join your hospitable
+family.</p>
+
+<p>With respect, I am, Yours sincere,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Serge Bogloffsky.</span></p>
+
+
+<h3>V.</h3>
+
+<p><i>From Miss Isolt Sleight-Spender to
+Miss Marjorie Browne.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">(Extract.)</span></p>
+
+<p>... Oh, my dear, don't reproach me
+for not having run round. We are
+simply off our heads. Bogloffsky&mdash;<i>the</i>
+Bogloffsky&mdash;is coming to dinner on
+Friday next, and the Mudder and I
+have been simply <i>tearing</i>. Even the
+Sticklers have accepted, and we hope to
+get Sir Henry Say, as the Dudder met
+him once at a City dinner. Of course <i>I</i>
+shall have to play something first.
+Pity me!....</p>
+
+
+<h3>VI.</h3>
+
+<p><i>From Mrs. Sleight-Spender to Messrs.
+Rosewood and Sons.
+March. 3rd.</i></p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Sleight-Spender requires the
+use of a <i>very</i> good piano on the 10th.
+It must be a <i>grand</i>, as it is for Mr.
+Bogloffsky. Under the circumstances
+Mrs. Sleight-Spender supposes there
+will be only a nominal charge, if any.</p>
+
+
+<h3>VII.</h3>
+
+<p><i>From Sir Henry Say to Cuthbert
+Haddington.
+March 11th.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">My dear Bertie</span>,&mdash;Last night I
+skimmed some of the cream of life, and
+incidentally got an idea for a <i>lever de
+rideau</i>, of which I make you a present.</p>
+
+<p>Far be it from me to glean from the
+crop of trouble of a man whose salt I
+have eaten, but the situation was a gift
+from the gods, which I will not spoil
+on a sheet of notepaper. When have
+you a free evening?</p>
+
+<p>Always,    <span class="sc">Harry.</span></p>
+
+
+<h3>VIII.</h3>
+
+<p><i>From Miss Isolt Sleight-Spender to
+Miss Marjorie Browne.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">(Extract.)</span></p>
+
+<p>... The Mudder is quite ill. It is
+all through that woman at No. 7. It
+must be because we didn't call on
+her. But what an evening ruined!
+Bogloffsky behaved like a perfect <i>pig</i>
+and wouldn't play a note after all the
+trouble he put us to; and when we got
+up from the table they say he sniffed
+at his coffee and pulled some out of his
+pocket and rubbed it in his hands to
+make the others smell the difference.
+Did you ever hear of such a thing?....</p>
+
+
+<h3>IX.</h3>
+
+<p><i>From Serge Bogloffsky to Stepan
+Bogloffsky, Moscow.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">(Translation.)</span></p>
+
+<p><i>March</i> 11th,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">My Brother</span>,&mdash;The Mazurka has
+been found beneath the lid of thy
+pianoforte and is already despatched
+to thee&mdash;that pianoforte, alas! which
+must now remain silent until thy
+longed-for return. Greet the worthy
+Moschki and request him urgently to
+send the samples of tea, as I have
+now an opportunity with a wealthy
+family which may make great business.</p>
+
+<p>That thy affairs prosper is my
+prayer. All the family embrace thee.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Serge.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The gunlayer's eye followed it through
+the air, saw it splash into the sea three hundred
+yards short of the target, and swore
+softly."&mdash;<i>Answers.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The gunlayer would seem to have an
+eloquent eye.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A SOLDIER POLITICIAN.</h2>
+
+<h3>A Biographical Note.</h3>
+
+<p>Considerable promise was shown
+in the speech delivered before the House
+of Commons last week by Colonel
+<span class="sc">Churchill</span>. His utterance had the
+effect of instantly lifting that gallant
+gentleman from the obscurity of life
+"somewhere in France" to something
+approaching notoriety. Surely few
+soldiers have discovered such a gift of
+dialectical skill; and the Army must
+feel proud to learn that it possesses
+an officer who shows himself to be as
+able in the realm of politics as in the
+profession of arms.</p>
+
+<p>Colonel <span class="sc">Churchill's</span> sensational <i>tour
+de force</i> has aroused a natural interest
+in his personality. He is still a
+young man, being only just on the
+wrong side of forty. In choosing a
+military career he responded to hereditary
+impulse, for he is a direct descendant
+of that great military genius,
+the Duke of <span class="sc">Marlborough</span>. He entered
+the army in 1895, when little
+more than a boy. After seeing service
+in Cuba and India he fought in the
+Egyptian Campaign of 1898, and in a
+journalistic capacity took part in the
+South African War, the news of his
+capture being received in this country
+with much feeling. To his skill as a
+soldier Colonel <span class="sc">Churchill</span> adds no
+small ability as a writer, and has
+published more than one book that has
+attracted favourable notice.</p>
+
+<p>Following upon his remarkable
+speech of the other night, there has
+been some discussion as to whether
+Colonel <span class="sc">Churchill</span> will definitely take
+up a political career, or return to the
+trenches. We have it on good authority
+that an old friend, Sir <span class="sc">Hedworth
+Meux</span>, strongly advises him not to
+sacrifice his military prospects. On the
+other hand, his colleagues at the Front
+feel that in the national interest they
+are prepared to do their best without
+him, in view of the benefit likely to
+accrue from his remaining at home.
+In any case it is confidently asserted
+by those who know him that Colonel
+<span class="sc">Churchill</span> has gone far towards
+making a name for himself, and that he
+is likely to go further still if the opportunity
+is given to him. His future is
+certain to be watched with interest.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The Delay Before Verdun.</h3>
+
+<p>Bosch (quoting "<i>unser</i> <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span>"):</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"If it Verdun ven 'tis done, then 't vere vell
+it Verdun quickly."&mdash;<i>Macbeth, Act</i> I. 7.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Music for Conscientious Objectors.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">"St. George's Cathedral</span>.&mdash;Anthem, 'I
+was slack when they said unto me' (Elvey)."</p>
+
+<p><i>Cape Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page191" id="page191"></a>[pg 191]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/191.png"><img width="100%" src="images/191.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Sergeant.</i> <span class="sc">"Keep yer dressin' by the left
+there! Blimey! you don't want N.C.O.'s&mdash;what you want is a bloomin'
+sheep-dog!"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<h3>(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)</h3>
+
+<p>I never open a book by Mr. <span class="sc">Robert Halifax</span> without a
+feeling of pleasant anticipation, nor close one without a
+sense of quickened sympathy for my fellow-mortals,
+especially those of them who dwell in Camden Town. His
+latest story, <i>The Right to Love</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>), finds him again
+on familiar ground; but the inhabitants of Widdiford Street
+have all the freshness of real human beings. Perhaps more
+than its predecessors <i>The Right to Love</i> is a story with a
+purpose and a moral; in it Mr. <span class="sc">Halifax</span> has illustrated by
+two groups of characters the vexed question of marriage
+failures and the hard lot of the unwanted woman. But do
+not suppose that these characters are merely "cases." On
+the contrary, it is because they are realized as understandable
+creations of flesh and blood that the disasters of <i>Norah</i>
+and <i>Tom Spain</i> and the tragedy of <i>Letty Summerbee's</i>
+enforced spinsterhood move one to so personal a concern.
+From the moment when <i>Norah</i> and <i>Tom</i> enter their little
+house after the short honeymoon to that in which the
+tormented young wife finally leaves her worthless husband
+for the protection (word rightly used) of his long-suffering
+friend one is made to feel that exactly thus and thus the
+affair happened, and is happening to like persons every day.
+As for <i>Letty</i>, with her restraint, her practical helpfulness
+and her occasional outbursts of emotion thwarted and suppressed,
+she is a type only too convincing. Perhaps one
+might object that Mr. <span class="sc">Halifax</span> brings an indictment
+against society without suggesting any practical remedy.
+Also that&mdash;as I have noticed before&mdash;his humorous characters
+have a tendency to edge away from the rest into the
+regions of farce. But for all that <i>The Right to Love</i> remains
+a simple, sincere and very moving study.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I like the remark that General <span class="sc">Joffre</span> made, not to the
+horse-marines, but to the remnants of the six thousand
+<i>Fusiliers Marins</i> who made up the Naval Brigade at
+Dixmude in November, 1914. "You are my best infantrymen,"
+he told them; and, if you want to know why, all
+you have to do is read <i>Dixmude</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>), by <span class="sc">Charles
+le Goffic</span>. For four weeks, shrapnel to right of them,
+"saucepans" to left of them, volleyed and thundered,
+and for four weeks the six thousand stood in the valley of
+death at Dixmude and held up six times as many Boches,
+who came on, as one of them said, like bugs. Forty
+thousand was the estimate of the number of these marines
+formed by a German major who was one of their prisoners;
+when he learnt that they were only six he wept with rage
+and muttered, "Ah, if we had only known!" Dixmude
+was not quite such a big affair as Verdun, but the men
+who held the town, "the young ladies with the red
+pompoms" on their caps, were first cousins to our own
+Jack Tars. Bretons or Britons, there is nothing to choose
+between them. Sailors all, they are the salt of the sea;
+and this fascinating and circumstantial epic of the French
+marines is not at all an exaggerated picture of the cheery
+courage and endurance of the Breton fisherman.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Sussex Gorse</i> (<span class="sc">Nisbet</span>) is a story about the fight between
+man and nature. It is told by Miss <span class="sc">Sheila Kaye-Smith</span>
+with considerable power and a quickening touch of symbolism
+that lifts it into romance. The ambition of <i>Reuben
+Backfield</i> was to enlarge the Sussex farm that he had
+inherited from his easy-going father till its bounds should
+include a certain coveted moor. The book shows how
+his entire life was spent in the achievement of this end; how
+for it he sacrificed his own ease, and the happiness of his
+brother, his two wives and his many children, and how
+finally he triumphed, and in his lonely old age, seeing the
+desired acres all his own, was content. It is a grim book,
+with only now and then a touch of suggested poetry to save
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page192" id="page192"></a>[pg 192]</span>
+it from being uniformly sordid and depressing. As it is,
+the long unsparing struggle takes somehow the dignity of
+an epic. Only one of <i>Reuben's</i> many sons makes any
+success out of life&mdash;<i>Richard</i>, who becomes a barrister, and
+treats his father to occasional visits of curiosity and amused
+patronage. There is a chapter of cynical humour in which
+the intolerant contemptuous old rustic is confronted by the
+art-loving triflers who gather in his son's drawing-room.
+Otherwise he is alone. "There's no one gone from here as
+has ever come back!" But I was glad that Miss <span class="sc">Kaye-Smith</span>
+had the courage to play fair by her hero, and to give
+him at last his share of the hard bargain. This is only one
+of many qualities that make <i>Sussex Gorse</i> a novel to be
+remembered.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I can't quite make out what made Mr. <span class="sc">William
+Hewlett</span> persist in <i>Introducing William Allison</i> (<span class="sc">Secker</span>).
+Probably a nice general conviction (rather infectious; I
+caught it) of his own cleverness. If his work wants a good
+deal of pulling together separate bits of it are confoundedly
+well done. The schoolboy
+conversations (<i>William</i>
+is a Winchester
+man, thrown into a lawyer's
+clerkship straight
+from the sixth) and the
+picture of the superbly
+groomed associates of his
+friend's brother, <i>Marmaduke
+Fenton</i>, are cases in
+point, though I don't
+think Winchester would
+have been so absurdly
+abashed by the glories
+of bachelordom in Half-Moon
+Street. So too is
+the lecture of <i>Parbury</i>,
+the neo-decadent, on the
+cultivation of "that
+sacred and imperishable
+flower, the white unsullied
+bloom of an
+Intensely Useless Life,"
+even if it be only a belated cutting from <i>The Green
+Carnation</i>. <i>William's</i> first boyish passion for a quite cold
+shop-minx, with its agonies of self-abasement and rarefied
+desire, is uncannily clever; and the thoroughly unpleasant
+episode of our <i>William</i>, minx-free, only to be caught in the
+toils of that insatiable sensualist, Mrs. <i>Daintree</i>, is presented
+with discreet vigour. There is possibly a moral in the
+fascinating <i>Marmaduke's</i> desperate half-hour in Dr. <i>Ferox's</i>
+consulting-room. But Mr. <span class="sc">Hewlett</span> never wrote this
+flippant tale to point a moral. Rather, as I suggest, he
+seems to have said, "These are samples of several <i>genres</i>
+in which I can succeed on my head.  Some day I will
+really finish something. Meanwhile pray be amused."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Of Miss <span class="sc">Ethel Dell's</span> popularity there seems to be no
+possible doubt, and her publishers, Messrs. <span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>,
+assure me that her latest, <i>The Bars of Iron</i>, is the best
+novel she has written. While accepting their unprejudiced
+judgment I retain the liberty of remaining unimpressed.
+Miss <span class="sc">Dell</span> has an eye for a plot and she can make things
+move; but her methods are too feverish for my taste. A
+man-fight in the prologue is followed by a dog-fight in the
+first chapter, and through the early part of the book the
+<i>Rev. S. Lorimer</i> beats his numerous family again and again.
+It is true that, between her explosions, she introduces
+certain lovable characters, but they fail to correct the
+general atmosphere of violence. Neither the beauty of
+<i>Piers Evesham</i> (his naked shoulders looked "like a piece
+of faultless statuary, god-like, superbly strong"), nor his
+sympathy with children, offers adequate compensation for
+his volcanic temperament. If Miss <span class="sc">Dell</span>, who seems to
+have a penchant for tempestuous heroes, would devote
+some of her superfluous energy to a study of men, so as
+to get to understand them as well as she understands her
+own sex, it would be a good thing for the quality both of
+her work and of her public.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In her latest little volume of verse, modestly entitled
+<i>Simple Rhymes for Stirring Times</i> (<span class="sc">Pearson</span>), Miss <span class="sc">Jessie
+Pope</span> shows that she has not only the right spirit, but a
+sense of form beyond the common. She does not pretend
+to heroics and she seldom allows herself to touch a note of
+pathos; her mission is just to inspire other hearts with
+the infectious gay courage of her own. It finds a natural
+expression in the easy lilt of her measures. She is fluent
+rather than polished and never overlays her designs with
+excess of embroidery.
+Long practice has made
+her familiar with a craft
+which is not so easy as
+it looks; and in particular
+she has learnt the
+art of the final line. Miss
+<span class="sc">Pope</span> may possibly run
+the risk of over-writing
+herself; but so long as
+she brings a discriminating
+eye to the choice of
+what is worth preserving&mdash;and
+she has been
+<i>quite</i> reasonably self-critical
+in her present
+selection&mdash;the matter
+that she jettisons is no
+affair of mine. Judging
+only by what I see here,
+I recognise that, in whatever
+other way she may
+be helping the cause,
+through her gift of light-heart verse she is doing&mdash;and none
+more bravely&mdash;her share of woman's work.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/192.png"><img width="100%" src="images/192.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Touring Stage Manager (rehearsing super).</i> <span class="sc">"And
+when you hear the cue, 'Ah, here comes the Kaiser!' you stride slowly on
+to the stage looking like the guilty Monarch."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Journalistic Colour.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"On all hands their preparations for their ultimate victory are
+being pressed forward with unflagging zest, and nowhere has the white
+heat of their resolve grown pale"&mdash;<i>Daily Graphic.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Extract from Scottish Command Orders:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"When marriage has actually taken place, the N.C.O. or man
+should inform O.C. at once, so as to ensure the necessary documents
+for separation allowance for the wife being made out, and this
+casualty should in addition be inserted in Part II. Orders."</p>
+
+<p><i>Scotsman.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This appears to confirm the belief that a Scottish marriage
+is a sort of accident that might happen to anyone.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>It is easy to understand why the Zeppelins have a
+partiality for almshouses. They think it's another name
+for munition works.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From the report of a music-hall action:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"In reply to Mr. Justice Darling, he sang comic songs and appeared
+alone on the stage."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>After all the Bench cannot always monopolise the "star
+turns," even in Mr. <span class="sc">Justice Darling's</span> court.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 150, MARCH 15, 1916***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 22988-h.txt or 22988-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22988">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/9/8/22988</a></p>
+<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.</p>
+
+<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.</p>
+
+
+
+<pre>
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/license">http://www.gutenberg.org/license)</a>.
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's
+eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII,
+compressed (zipped), HTML and others.
+
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over
+the old filename and etext number.  The replaced older file is renamed.
+VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving
+new filenames and etext numbers.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org">http://www.gutenberg.org</a>
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000,
+are filed in directories based on their release date.  If you want to
+download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular
+search system you may utilize the following addresses and just
+download by the etext year.
+
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/</a>
+
+    (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99,
+     98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90)
+
+EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are
+filed in a different way.  The year of a release date is no longer part
+of the directory path.  The path is based on the etext number (which is
+identical to the filename).  The path to the file is made up of single
+digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename.  For
+example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at:
+
+http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/2/3/10234
+
+or filename 24689 would be found at:
+http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/6/8/24689
+
+An alternative method of locating eBooks:
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL</a>
+
+*** END: FULL LICENSE ***
+</pre>
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/22988-h/images/177.png b/22988-h/images/177.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a70f823
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/177.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/179.png b/22988-h/images/179.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7fa6a47
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/179.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/180.png b/22988-h/images/180.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f306b2c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/180.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/181.png b/22988-h/images/181.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e51c22d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/181.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/183.png b/22988-h/images/183.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d5b038b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/183.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/184.png b/22988-h/images/184.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e901a74
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/184.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/185.png b/22988-h/images/185.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9b32ba5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/185.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/186.png b/22988-h/images/186.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a84abad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/186.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/187.png b/22988-h/images/187.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1621eab
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/187.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/188a.png b/22988-h/images/188a.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6ddab07
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/188a.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/188b.png b/22988-h/images/188b.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..727e716
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/188b.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/189.png b/22988-h/images/189.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3ae7a19
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/189.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/191.png b/22988-h/images/191.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d9e9277
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/191.png
diff --git a/22988-h/images/192.png b/22988-h/images/192.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f38e49b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-h/images/192.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p177.png b/22988-page-images/p177.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..daf0b3c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p177.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p178.png b/22988-page-images/p178.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ac4175a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p178.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p179.png b/22988-page-images/p179.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9c776f2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p179.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p180.png b/22988-page-images/p180.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a4bdd05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p180.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p181.png b/22988-page-images/p181.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c8653d9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p181.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p182.png b/22988-page-images/p182.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5aa2e2b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p182.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p183.png b/22988-page-images/p183.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6c30d07
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p183.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p184.png b/22988-page-images/p184.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..94f23b9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p184.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p185.png b/22988-page-images/p185.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fde65d9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p185.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p186.png b/22988-page-images/p186.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7a2b123
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p186.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p187.png b/22988-page-images/p187.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..dcf6cf3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p187.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p188.png b/22988-page-images/p188.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2d4d348
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p188.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p189.png b/22988-page-images/p189.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a452a12
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p189.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p190.png b/22988-page-images/p190.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..30fdbad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p190.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p191.png b/22988-page-images/p191.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0c03f7c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p191.png
diff --git a/22988-page-images/p192.png b/22988-page-images/p192.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..10750df
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988-page-images/p192.png
diff --git a/22988.txt b/22988.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..60913a5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2076 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+March 15, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, March 15, 1916
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 12, 2007  [eBook #22988]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 150, MARCH 15, 1916***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22988-h.htm or 22988-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22988/22988-h/22988-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22988/22988-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 150
+
+MARCH 15, 1916.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Zeppelin which was "winged" while flying over Kent last week has not
+yet been found, and is believed to be still in hiding in the densely
+wooded country between Maidstone and Ashford. Confirmation of this
+report is supplied by a local farmer, who states that on three
+successive nights the cat's supper has been stolen from his scullery
+steps. This strange circumstance, considered in the light of the
+Germans' inordinate passion for cats' meat, has gone far to satisfy the
+authorities that the capture of the crippled monster is only a question
+of time.
+
+       ***
+
+Mr. WILLIAM AIRD, in a lecture upon "Health, Disease and Economical
+Living," insisted that we should all be much healthier if we lived on
+"rabbit food." Possibly; but the vital question is--would not this diet
+induce in us a tendency to become conscientious objectors?
+
+       ***
+
+"It is most necessary," stated a Manchester economics expert last week,
+"that the Government should release more beef for civilian needs." Yet a
+cursory view of the work done by the military tribunals seems to
+indicate that they are releasing altogether too much.
+
+       ***
+
+A Chertsey pig-breeder has been granted total exemption. The pen, it
+seems, is still mightier than the sword.
+
+       ***
+
+Some slight irritation has been caused by the announcement of Sir ALFRED
+KEOGH that Naval men engaged on the home service cannot be supplied with
+false teeth at the expense of the Government. Nevertheless we may rest
+assured that, come what may, these gallant fellows will uphold the
+traditions of the Navy and stick to their gums.
+
+       ***
+
+For many days past the condition of our streets has been really
+lamentable owing to the fact that so many of our crossing-sweepers are
+serving with the colours; and a painful report is going about that the
+Government's object in recognizing the V. T. C. is at last becoming
+apparent.
+
+       ***
+
+A prehistoric elephant has recently been discovered at Chatham and is
+now mounted in the British Museum. In palaeontological circles the report
+that the monster's death was occasioned by the consumption of too much
+seed-cake is regarded as going far to prove that our neolithic ancestors
+were not without their sentimental side.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "Well, Jones, I hope we shall get more out of
+the garden this year. We had next to nothing last year."
+
+Jones. "Ay--'twere they plaguey pheasants 'ad most on it last year."
+
+_Mistress._ "If you ask me, I should say it was _two-legged_
+pheasants!"]
+
+       ***
+
+From a Parliamentary report: "In his reply Mr. Asquith stated that the
+'Peace Book' which was being prepared to meet problems which would arise
+after the War corresponded with the 'War Book' which was compiled years
+ago in anticipation of the War." This ought to put heart into the enemy.
+
+       ***
+
+The Court of Appeal has decided that infants are liable to pay income
+tax. It is reported that Sir JOHN SIMON is preparing a stinging
+remonstrance.
+
+       ***
+
+The Turkish New Year has been officially postponed so as to begin on
+March 14th, instead of on March 1st, as before. This simple but
+satisfactory method of prolonging the existence of a moribund empire has
+proved so successful that ENVER PASHA and a number of other Young Turks
+have indefinitely postponed their next birthdays.
+
+       ***
+
+Up to the moment of writing there has been no confirmation of the report
+that Turkey has given her consent to the making of a separate peace by
+Germany on account of the economic exhaustion of the latter country.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from letter to _The Westminster Gazette_:--
+
+    "'M.D.' cannot have studied dietetics, or he would know that far
+    greater strength and endurance are produced by a fruit and herb
+    diet than by what is termed a 'mixed diet,' e.g., the elephant,
+    the horse and the gorilla."
+
+In the circumstances it is fortunate that the scarcity of gorillas puts
+them out of the reach of all but millionaire _gourmets_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+"HORSE MARINE."--You say you are intrigued about _The Evening News_
+poster, which announced
+
+    "ASQUITH ON A MORATORIUM,"
+
+and you are curious to know more about this animal. We have pleasure in
+informing you that it is distantly related to the megatherium, and,
+since the extinction of the latter, has been very generally used for
+hack purposes. The PREMIER may be seen any morning in the Park taking a
+canter on one of these superb mammals.
+
+"WINSTONIAN."--The rumour that Colonel the late First Lord of the
+Admiralty has offered himself the command of a mine-sweeper or,
+alternatively, of a platoon in the 1/100 battalion of the Chilterns,
+lacks confirmation.
+
+"PEER OF THE REALM."--We agree with you in regretting that Lord FISHER
+was unable to accept Lord BERESFORD'S invitation to come and hear him
+speak in your House about the Downing Street sandwichmen and other
+collateral subjects arising out of the Air Service debate. You will be
+glad however to know that Lord FISHER'S absence was not due to
+indisposition, but to a previous engagement to take tea on the Terrace
+with Mr. BALFOUR.
+
+"A LOVER OF THE ANTIQUE."--Your idea of making a collection of
+antebellum fetishes is a happy one. Examples of the Little Navy and
+Voluntary System fetishes are now rather rare, but you should have no
+difficulty in securing a well-preserved specimen of the Free Trade
+fetish at the old emporium of antiquities kept by the firm of John Simon
+and Co.
+
+"A SINGLE MAN."--When you say that you are forty years old, that you
+have practically built up a business which will be ruined if you leave
+it, that you are the sole support of a stepmother and a family of young
+half-brothers and sisters, but that you have felt it your duty to attest
+without appealing for exemption, we applaud your patriotism. But, when
+you go on to complain that your neighbour, aged twenty-two, living in
+idleness on an allowance, and married to a chorus-girl still in her
+teens and childless, should be free to decline service if he chooses (as
+he does), we cannot but disapprove of your irreverent and almost immoral
+attitude towards the holy condition of matrimony. If the tie of wedlock
+is not to take precedence of every other tie, including that of country,
+where are we?
+
+"A CRY FROM MACEDONIA."--In answer to your question as to when we think
+it likely that the KAISER will take advantage of his recently-conferred
+commission in the Bulgarian Army and lead his regiment against Salonika,
+we are unable to fix a date for this movement. Our private information
+is that he is detained elsewhere by a previous engagement which is
+taking up more time than was anticipated.
+
+"BULGAR."--We sympathise with you in your natural desire to have your
+TSAR FERDINAND home again, and we share your sanguine belief that the
+tonic air of Sofia (never more bracing than at the present moment) ought
+speedily to cure him of his malignant catarrh. His Austrian physicians
+however advise him to remain away, and he himself holds the view,
+coloured a little by superstition, that his return should be at least
+postponed till after the Ides of March, a day that was fatal to the
+health of an earlier Caesar.
+
+"YOUNG TURK."--Your anxiety about ENVER PASHA is groundless. The news
+that he has been recently seen at the PROPHET'S Tomb at Medina conveyed
+no indication that the object of his visit was to select a neighbouring
+site for his own burial. Indeed, our information is that since his
+recent assassination (as reported from Athens) he has been going on
+quite as well as could be expected.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BUILDING WITHOUT TEARS.
+
+The enthralling correspondence in the columns of our contemporary, _The
+Spectator_, on the subject of cheap cottages and how to build them, has
+evoked a vast amount of correspondence addressed directly to us. We
+select a few specimens which are recommended by their practical and
+businesslike character:--
+
+The Merits of "Posh."
+
+DEAR SIR,--The question of Land Settlement after the War resolves itself
+in the last resort into the employment of cheaper methods of cottage
+building. Will you allow me to put in a word for the revival, in the
+neighbourhood of the sea, of the old Suffolk plan of building with what
+is locally known as "posh," after the name of the original inventor, who
+was an ancestor of FITZGERALD'S friend. "Posh" is a mixture of old
+boots--of which a practically unlimited supply can be found on the
+beaches of seaside resorts--and seaweed, boiled into a jelly, allowed to
+solidify, and then frozen hard in cold storage. "Posh" is not only (1)
+impenetrable but also (2) hygienic, the iodine in the seaweed lending it
+a peculiarly antiseptic quality, and (3) picturesque, the colour of the
+compound being a dark purple, which is exceedingly pleasing to the eye.
+Lastly, the cost of production is slight, as the raw material can be
+obtained for nothing, and the compound can be sawn into blocks or bricks
+to suit the taste of the tenant. I am convinced that cottages of "posh"
+could be built for less than a hundred pounds a-piece; and at that
+figure cheap housing becomes a practical proposition.
+
+I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
+
+Decimus Dexter.
+
+
+"Stooting" and "Marmash."
+
+DEAR SIR,--The choice of material matters little so long as it is
+properly treated. Any sort of earth will do, or, failing earth, a
+mixture of ashes with a little mustard and marmalade, the waste of which
+in most households is prodigious. But it must be properly pounded and
+allowed to set in a frame. For the former process there is no better
+implement than the old Gloucestershire stoot, or stooting-mallot, or in
+the alternative a disused niblick. The earth, or the "marmash" mixture,
+as I have christened it, should be poured into a bantle-frame--which can
+be made by any village carpenter--and vigorously pounded for about three
+hours. Then another bantle-frame is placed on the first, and the process
+is repeated. No foundation is required for walls erected by the plan of
+stooting, but a damp-course of mulpin is advisable, and it is always
+best to pingle the door-jambs, and binge up the rafters with a
+crumping-block.
+
+I am, Sir, yours obediently,
+
+Mungo Stallibrass.
+
+
+The Beauty of "Bap."
+
+DEAR SIR,--When I was an under-graduate at Balliol more years ago than I
+care to remember, I not only took part in the road-making experiment
+carried out under RUSKIN's supervision, but assisted in the erection of
+a model cottage, the walls of which were made of "bap," a compound which
+is still used in parts of Worcestershire. The receipt is very simple.
+You mix clinkers, wampum and spelf in equal quantities and condense the
+compound by hydraulic pressure. I have a well-trained hydraulic ram who
+is capable of condensing enough "bap" in twenty-four hours to provide
+the materials for building six four-roomed cottages. I am sorry to say
+that the "bap" cottage at Hinksey was washed away by a flood a few years
+ago, and the spot where it stood is no longer identifiable. But the
+facts are as I have stated them.
+
+Truly yours, Roland Phibson.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JUNIOR PARTNERS.
+
+[Illustration: Ferdie. "THINGS SEEM TO BE AT A STANDSTILL IN MY
+DEPARTMENT."
+
+Sultan. "I ONLY WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME OF MINE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE FRONT.
+
+I wonder if the chap who first thought out this shell business realized
+the extraordinary inconvenience it would cause to gentlemen at rest
+during what the Photographic Press alludes to as "a lull in the
+fighting."
+
+Once upon a time billets were billets. You came into such, and
+thereafter for a spell of days forgot about the War unless you got an
+odd shell into the kitchen. But now--well, about noon on the first day's
+rest, seventy odd batteries of our 12, 16, and 24 inch guns set about
+their daily task of touching up a selected target, say a sap-head or
+something new from Unter den Linden in spring barbed-wirings which has
+been puzzling a patrol. This is all right in its way; but the Hun still
+owns one or two guns opposite us. And by 12.5 all is unquiet on the
+Western Front. This is all right in its way; but about 3 P.M. the Hun is
+roused to the depths of his savage nature, and one wakes up to find
+Hildebrand and Hoffelbuster, the two guns told off to attend to our
+liberty area, scattering missiles far and wide, but mostly wide, and a
+covey of aeroplanes bombing the local cabbageries. This again is all
+right in its way, but in the meantime the mutual noise further up the
+line has become so loud that Someone very far back and high up catches
+the echo of it, and a bare hour later we receive the order to stand-to
+at once, ready to move off twenty minutes ago.
+
+Within three minutes of our first stand-to I was up with the company,
+hastily but adequately mobilized with my servant's rifle, five smoke
+helmets, (I took all I could see; this is _camaraderie_), a biscuit, the
+Indispensable Military Pocket Book (8 in. by 10 in.), a revolver
+(disqualified for military uses owing to absence of ammunition), Russian
+Picture Tales, and a tooth-brush. I find a general opinion prevalent in
+the company that "if Fritz knew _we_ was standing-to 'e'd pack in." Word
+must have come through to Fritz somehow, for he shortly packs in--say
+about 1 A.M.--and we follow suit after the news has spent a couple or
+hours or so flashing round the wires in search of us. And we go to sleep
+until to-morrow midday, when the day's play begins again.
+
+When we had been thus "rested" for some days we went and took over a
+nice new line, with lots of funny bits in it. The front line had three
+bits.
+
+_Left sector_--Mine (exploded; possibly held by Bosch on far side).
+
+_Central sector_--Mine? (unexploded; not held by Bosch anywhere).
+
+_Right sector_--Mine (exploded; possibly held by Bosch on far side).
+
+Our position seemed a little problematical. The left and right we
+satisfied ourselves about at once, but the centre was in a class by
+itself. We demanded an investigator, somebody with wide mine-sweeping
+experience preferred.
+
+About 2 A.M. on our first day in, a figure loomed up through a
+snow-storm from the back of the central trench and asked forlornly if
+there might be any mines hereabouts. We admitted there might be, or
+again there might not. He questioned us precisely where it was
+suspected, and we told him "underneath." He scratched his head and
+announced that he was sent to look for it. His qualifications consisted
+apparently in his having coal-mined. But he seemed confident of
+detecting the quicker combustion sort, until he asked for necessary
+impedimenta. It seems that no good collier can detect an H.E. or any
+sort of mine without a pail of water, and a hole about 2,000 feet deep,
+and a pulley, and a rope ladder and a bratting-slat.
+
+It's true we had some good holes in parts of the trench, where you
+probably go down 2,000 feet if you step off the footboards, and the rest
+of the stuff we might have contrived to improvise. But for the moment we
+had somehow run clean out of bratting-slats.
+
+So we had to return the poor fellow with a request that all experts
+should be completed with bratting-slats before being sent to the front
+line. This request only produced the senseless interrogation, "What _is_
+a bratting-slat?" to which we have not yet bothered to reply. In the
+meantime if we are really sitting on a mine it seems quite a tame one.
+It hasn't as much as barked yet.
+
+Just in our bit we aren't very well off for dug-outs; it isn't really
+what you'd call a representative sector from any point of view. But
+during a blizzard the other night a messenger who had mislaid himself
+took us for a serious trench. He made his way along, looking to right
+and left for some seat of authority until he came to a hole in the
+parados, two feet by one, where some fortunate fellow had ejected an
+ammunition box and was attempting to boil water on a night-light. The
+messenger bent low and asked huskily--
+
+"Is this 'ere comp'ny edquarters?"
+
+The water-boiler looked up. "No," he replied, "it ain't. It's G.H.Q.,
+but DUGGIE 'AIG ain't at 'ome to no one this evenin'."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Tommy_. "The C.O.'s recommended you for a V.C"
+
+_Second Tommy_ (_half asleep and thinking of C.B._). "Oh lumme! What
+'ave I done now?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "GERMANS' TERRIBLE LOSSES.
+
+    WHOLE CORPS WIPED OUT.
+
+    BY LORD NORTHCLIFFE."
+
+    _Belfast News Letter._
+
+Yet, with commendable modesty, his lordship said nothing about this in
+his recent despatch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Daily News_ reports the case of a conscientious objector at York
+who said he could not take life--he "would not even eat an egg." We
+ourselves have conscientious objections to that sort of egg.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OFFICERS' INSTRUCTION CLASS.
+
+[Illustration: _First Boy_. "I say, your dad seems to be getting it
+pretty hot."
+
+_Second Boy_. "Well, you see, this is his first war."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE KING OF SPAIN.
+
+YOUR MAJESTY, There is a little village in England nestling among wooded
+hills. It has sent forth its bravest and best from cottage and farm and
+manor-house to fight for truth and liberty and justice. The news of
+grievous wounds and still more grievous deaths, of men missing and
+captured, comes often to that quiet hamlet, and the roll of honour in
+the little grey stone church grows longer and longer. In the big house
+on the hill, at sunrise and at sunset, the young Lady of the Manor
+stands at the bedside of her little son, and hears him lisp his simple
+prayers to God, and they always end like this:--
+
+    "And God bless Father and Mother and Nurse, and send Father back
+    soon from his howwid prison in Germany. And God bless 'specially
+    the dear King of SPAIN, who found out about Father. Amen."
+
+The kings of the earth have many priceless possessions; they are able to
+confer upon each other various glittering orders of merit and
+distinction; but we doubt if any one of them has a dearer possession or
+a more genuine order of merit than this simple prayer of faith and
+gratitude offered at sunrise and at sunset on behalf of Your Majesty by
+the bedside of a little English child.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD SOLDIER.
+
+By a "Temporary" Sub.
+
+  There are some men--and such is Jones--
+    Who love to vent their antique spleens
+  On any subaltern that owns
+  He's not a soldier in his bones
+      (_I'_m not, by any means);
+  Who fiercely watch us drill our men
+  And tell us things were different when
+  (In, I imagine, 1810)
+      They joined the Blue Marines.
+
+  I like them not, yet I affect
+    That air of awed humility
+  Which I should certainly expect,
+  If I were old and medal-deck'd,
+      From young men under me;
+  But when they hint their wondrous wit
+  Is what has made them feel so fit
+  To do their military bit,
+      I simply can't agree.
+
+  I said to Jones--or should have said
+    But feared the Articles of War--
+  "You must not think you have a head
+  Because you know from A to Z
+      This military lore,
+  By years of study slowly gat
+  (And somewhat out-of-date at that),
+  When lo, I had the whole thing pat
+      In six small months--not more."
+
+  Maybe the mystic art appals
+    Unlearned souls of low degrees,
+  But men to whom the high Muse calls,
+  Men who are good enough for Smalls,
+      Imbibe it all with ease;
+  While where would Jones, I wonder, be
+  If someone took the man for me
+  And asked him for some _jeu d'esprit_,
+      A few bright lines (like these)?
+
+  Possibly Jones will one day tire
+    Of fours and fights and iron shards,
+  Will seize his pencil and aspire
+  To court the Muse and match the fire
+      Of us poetic cards;
+  Then I shall mock his meagre strain
+  And gaily make the moral plain,
+  How barren is the soldier's brain
+      Compared with any bard's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A QUESTION OF THE NUDE.
+
+They scrambled into the carriage in a tremendous hurry, all talking at
+once at the tops of their voices, all very excited and very dirty. They
+had mud on their boots which had evidently come from France, and their
+overcoats had that rumpled appearance which distinguishes overcoats from
+the Front from those merely in training.
+
+There seemed to be about ten of them as they got into the train, but
+when they had deposited various objects on the rack, such as rifles,
+haversacks, and kit-bags like partially deflated airships, the number
+resolved itself into three.
+
+The compartment already contained--besides myself--a naval warrant
+officer, reading _Freckles_ with a sentimental expression, and a large
+leading seaman with hands like small hams and a peaceful smile like a
+jade Buddha. It said "H.M.S. Hedgehog" round his cap, but when I
+ventured to remark that I once in peace-time saw and visited that vessel
+he observed with indifference that "cap-ribbons was nothin' to go by
+these days; point o' fact, he never see that there ship in his puff."
+Otherwise they maintained that deep and significant silence which we
+have learned to associate with our Navy.
+
+The Tommies, however, were in very talkative vein. "Now," I thought, "I
+shall doubtless hear some real soldiers' stories of the War, even as the
+newspaper men hear them and reproduce them in the daily prints: the
+crash of the artillery, the wild excitement of battle--in short, the
+Real Thing...."
+
+A momentous question had evidently been under discussion when they
+entered the train, and as soon as they were settled in their seats they
+resumed it.
+
+"Wot I want to know is," said the largest of the three, a big man with a
+very square face and blue eyes,--"wot I want to know is--is that there
+feller to go walkin' about naked?" The last word was pronounced as a
+monosyllable.
+
+He set his fists squarely on his knees and glared around him with a
+challenging expression.
+
+"No, it's agin the law," said a small man with a very hoarse voice.
+
+"Course it is," rejoined the other. "Well, wot's the feller to do?
+That's wot I ast you. If 'e walks about naked, well, 'e gets took up for
+bein' naked; if 'e doesn't, why, 'e gets 'ad for not returnin' 'is
+uniform."
+
+He looked round again and decided to take the rest of us into
+consultation.
+
+"This 'ere's 'ow it stands--see? 'Ere's a feller got the mitten along o'
+not bein' able to march, through gettin' shot in the leg. 'E goes 'ome
+pendin' 'is _dis_charge, an' o' course e' walks about in 'is uniform.
+Then 'e gets 'is _dis_charge, an' they tells 'im to return 'is kar-kee
+_an'_ small kit----"
+
+"An' small kit?" burst out the third member of the party indignantly--a
+sprightly youth with a very short tunic and a pert expression. "Do they
+want you to return your small kit when you get the mitten? Watch me
+returnin' mine, that's all!"
+
+"You'll 'ave to," said the voice of Discipline.
+
+"'Ave to, I don't think!" said the rebel ironically; "I couldn't if I'd
+lorst it."
+
+"I ain't got no small kit, any 'ow," said the small and husky one; "I
+put my 'aversack down when we was diggin' one of our chaps out of a Jack
+Johnson 'ole, and some bloomin' blighter pinched it! Now that's a thing
+as I don't 'old with. Rotten, I call it. I wouldn't say nothing about
+it, mind you, if I was dead; I like to 'ave something as belonged to a
+comrade, myself, an' I know as 'e'd feel the same, seein' as 'e couldn't
+want it 'imself. But, if you take a feller's things w'en 'e's alive,
+why, you don't know 'ow bad 'e might want 'em some day."
+
+"Corporal 'e ses to me, las' kit inspection," broke in the fresh-faced
+youth, disregarding this nice point of ethics, "'W'ere's your
+tooth-brush?' 'e ses. 'Where you won't find it,' I ses. ''Oo're you
+talkin' to?' 'e ses. 'Dunno,' I ses; 'the ticket's fell off!... Wot
+d'yer call yourself, any'ow,' I ses, 'you an' yer stripe?' I ses. 'Funny
+bundle,' I ses, 'that's what I call you!'"
+
+"Well, I don't see wot a feller's got to do," said the propounder of the
+problem, returning to the charge. "Granted as 'e can't walk about naked;
+granted as 'e 'asn't got a suit o' civvies of 'is own--wot _is_ 'e to
+do?"
+
+"'Ang on to 'is kar-kee" said the hoarse-voiced man. The setter-down of
+corporals retired within himself, probably to compose some humorous
+repartee.
+
+The warrant officer came out of _Freckles_ and suggested writing a
+letter.
+
+"'E 'as done. 'E's wrote an' told 'em 'as 'e can't send 'is kar-kee back
+until 'e gets a suit o' Martin 'Enry's or thirty bob in loo of same. An'
+all as they done was to write again an' demand 'is uniform at once."
+
+The warrant officer sighed and opined that orders were orders.
+
+"Yes, but 'e 'd 'ave to carry 'em to the Post Office naked, wouldn't 'e?
+An' 'ow about goin' to buy new ones? That's if 'e 'd drawed 'is pay,
+which 'e 'asn't. Unreasonable, that's wot I calls it."
+
+"'Asn't 'e got no civvies at all?" said the small man, beginning to look
+sceptical. "'Asn't 'e got no one as 'd lend 'im a soot? Anyways, 'e
+could get some one to post 'em for 'im, an' then stop in bed till 'is
+others come."
+
+"'E's a very lonely feller," said the champion of the unclad; "'e lives
+in lodgin's, an 'e 'asn't got no friends. If 'e 'adn't got no clothes
+for to fetch 'is pay in, wot then?"
+
+A gloomy silence, a silence fraught with the inevitability of destiny,
+settled on the party.
+
+The warrant officer, who had been pretending to resume _Freckles_,
+presently looked up and suggested that he could go in his uniform to a
+tailor, explain the position and obtain clothes on credit.
+
+The originator of the problem thought hard for a minute.
+
+"'E isn't a man as I'd care to trust myself," he said rather
+unexpectedly, "an' I don't think no one else would neither."
+
+It was at this point that the man from H.M.S. _Hedgehog_ (or, to be
+precise, H.M.S. _Something Else_) fell into the conversation suddenly,
+like a bomb.
+
+"'E wouldn't be naked," he said earnestly; "'e'd 'ave 'is shirt."
+
+This was a staggerer. One of those great simple truths sometimes
+overlooked by more abstruse thinkers. But the owner of the problem made
+one more stand.
+
+"'Oo'd walk about in a shirt?" he said scornfully.
+
+"Me," said the large seaman, "time I was torpedoed...."
+
+He didn't say another word; but the problem was irretrievably lost.
+There had been something magnificently daring about the idea of a man
+walking about like a lost cherub; partly clothed, nobody cared very much
+what became of him.
+
+Besides, we all wanted to hear Admiralty secrets. We sat there in
+respectful silence while the train rattled on its way; but the large
+seaman only went on smiling peacefully to himself, as if he were
+ruminating in immense satisfaction upon unprecedented bags of
+submarines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The architect for the new building left nothing out that would
+    at all hamper the comfort of those who make this hotel their
+    stopping place."--_New Zealand Paper._
+
+We know that architect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The _Severn_ was moored in a position 1,000 miles closer to the
+    enemy than on July 6, which made her fire much more effective."
+    _Natal Mercury._
+
+We can well believe this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER INDISPENSABLE.
+
+[Illustration: _Chief of Village Fire Brigade._ "We're all ready. Is
+steam up?"
+
+_Engineer (temporary)._ "If you want steam in this engine you'll have to
+get Thompson 'ome from France to show me 'ow to light the bloomin'
+fire."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY COLD.
+
+  Lord of the rheumy eyes and blowing nose,
+  On whom no fostering sun has ever shone,
+  What mak'st thou here? Didst thou in sooth believe
+  Thy presence would be welcome? Hast thou come
+  Thinking to please me--me who, not at all
+  Wanting to catch, have caught thee full and fair,
+  And, loth to get, have got thee none the less?
+  Why couldst thou not in thine own realms have stayed?
+  Thou mightst have found--I can't go on like this;
+  These second persons singular of verbs
+  Are far too tricky; once involved in these,
+  For instance, "lovedst" and "spreadst" and "stillst" and "gapest,"
+  And thousands more--once, as I say, involved
+  In these too clinging tendrils one is done;
+  And so I find I cannot write an ode,
+  Not even a ten-syllabic blank-verse ode,
+  In second persons singular of verbs,
+  In "snifflest" and in "wheezest" and the rest,
+  For I am sure to trip and spoil the thing,
+  And bring grammatic censure on my head.
+  Be, therefore, plural--"you" instead of "thou"--
+  Which makes things simpler. Now we can get on.
+  O fain-avoided and most loathsome Cold,
+  You with the sneezing, teasing, wheezing airs,
+  What make you here at such a time as this,
+  Melting my snowy store of handkerchiefs,
+  Rasping my throat and bringing aches to range
+  At large within the measure of my head?
+  Platoon-Commanders of the Volunteers,
+  Who now are recognised (three cheers!) at last,
+  And of whose number I who write am one,
+  Should be immune from colds; they sound absurd
+  When bidding men to "boove to th' right id Fours,"
+  Or "order arbs" (or slope) or "stad at ease,"
+  Or "od the left" (or right) to "forb platood."
+  Even the most submissive men begin
+  To lose respect when such commands ring out.
+  Wherefore, my cold--_atchoo_, _atchoo_--be off,
+  Lest I report you and your deeds aright
+  To Mr. TENNANT at the War Office.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the cast of The Real Thing at Last:--
+
+    "Nearly murdered ... Mr. Godfrey Tearle (by permission of the
+    Adelphi Theatre Co.)."--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+A sorry return for Mr. TEARLE'S excellent work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE FLOODS IN HOLLAND.
+
+    General Goethals states that he cannot predict a date for
+    reopening the Panama Canal on account of the uncertainty of the
+    movement of the slides."--_North China Daily News._
+
+It looks like an infringement of the Monroe doctrine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Artistic Lady (who has just had her drawing-room
+redecorated)._ "Well, cook, what do you think of it?"
+
+_Cook._ "It's a bit bare-like, isn't it, Mum? I dessay I'm
+old-fashioned, but I never reely feel an 'ome's an 'ome without a
+Haspidisterer."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RECIPROCITY IN FICTION.
+
+Forthcoming Masterpieces.
+
+"It is not often," says a writer of what is called "Literary
+Intelligence," "that a novelist adopts a living fellow-worker as the
+central figure of his story. This is, however, the case with _My Lady of
+the Moor_, which Messrs. LONGMANS will shortly publish for Mr. JOHN
+OXENHAM. While wandering on Dartmoor he stumbled into a living actual
+romance, of which Miss BEATRICE CHASE, author of several popular books
+about Dartmoor, was the centre. This book tells the tale, which is named
+after Miss CHASE, _My Lady of the Moor_, and it has of course been
+written with her full consent and approval."
+
+But the "Literary Intelligencer" did not know that Mr. OXENHAM is not
+the dazzling innovator that he might be thought. Why, even at the moment
+that Mr. OXENHAM was serving up Miss CHASE on toast, but always, of
+course, with perfect taste, Miss CHASE was performing the same culinary
+business for him. For her next novel, to be entitled with great charm
+_My Gentleman of the Cheek_, will present a faithful picture of the
+gifted JOHN and the figure he cut on Dartymoor all among the thikkies
+and down-alongs and tors.
+
+Mr. HALL CAINE, having just been pleading in public for more War realism
+from literary artists, has in preparation a fascinating new romance
+entitled _Marie of Stratford_, which depicts, with all this master's
+restraint, power and genius, various phases in the life of a
+sister-novelist of whose existence he has recently heard. Nothing at
+once so charming and so arresting has been published for days.
+
+It is announced that Miss MARIE CORELLI, who for too long has vouchsafed
+nothing fresh to her countless admirers, has just completed the (Isle
+of) Manuscript of a story which, like all her works, is epoch-making.
+Connoisseurs of literature, always eager for a new _frisson_, will be
+fascinated to learn that this novel has for its subject a
+fellow-novelist of whose retired existence she has but lately become
+aware. It takes the form of a saga and is entitled _Hall of the Three
+Legs_. Editions of a size commensurate with the scarcity of paper are
+being prepared.
+
+Meanwhile we are informed that Mr. TASKER JEVONS is at work upon a
+trilogy of vast dimensions and meticulous detail, of which the heroine
+is Miss MAY SINCLAIR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The General Manager, in reply, said: Seeing that the privilege
+    of addressing you in annual meeting comes to me once only in
+    every forty-four years of service, and having regard to the vast
+    interests included in this vote of thanks, there might be found
+    some excuse for elaboration of acknowledgment were it not that
+    discursiveness is entirely at variance with the habits of the
+    staff."
+
+    _Pall Mall Gazette._
+
+After another forty-four years' silence we hope he will really let
+himself go.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Exchange of Ivories.
+
+    "Wanted, piano; dentist willing to make artificial teeth for
+    same, or part."
+
+    _Edinburgh Evening Despatch._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Hint to the Censor.
+
+    "To cool hot journals apply a dressing made of 11 lb. blacklead,
+    23 lb. Epsom salts, 9 lb. sulphur, 2 lb. lampblack and 5 lb.
+    oxalic acid, mixed and ground together."--_Ironmonger._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIS BARK IS ON THE SEA.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Punch. "AND WHAT DID YOU THINK OF COLONEL CHURCHILL'S
+SPEECH, SIR?"
+
+Admiral Jellicoe. "I'M AFRAID I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS. I'M NOT A
+POLITICIAN."
+
+Mr. Punch. "THANK GOD FOR THAT, SIR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, March 7th._--The House of Commons to-day devoted itself to the
+process curiously known as "getting the SPEAKER out of the Chair." The
+phrase suggests reluctance on the part of the occupant to leave his
+seat; though I cannot recall any occasion when the employment of force
+has been necessary to persuade Mr. LOWTHER to resign to the Chairman of
+Committees the duty of listening to dull speeches. But this afternoon I
+can imagine that the SPEAKER would have been well content to remain. For
+there was fun brewing. Mr. BALFOUR was to introduce the Naval Estimates,
+and his dear friend and ex-colleague, Colonel WINSTON CHURCHILL, was
+announced to follow him. The conjunction of these highly-electrified
+bodies is always apt to produce sparks. The House was well filled, and
+over the clock could be seen Lord FISHER, like "a sweet little cherub
+that sits up aloft to keep watch for the life of poor Jacky." The last
+time Mr. CHURCHILL spoke of Naval affairs in the House he was not quite
+nice to Lord FISHER. Would he be nicer this time?
+
+[Illustration: WINSTON ON LEAVE.
+
+_Bluejacket_. "A party coming aboard, Sir, to see if the Fleet's all
+right."
+
+_Admiral Balfour_. "What sort of party?"
+
+_Bluejacket_. "Well, Sir, he's got spurs on."]
+
+I think Mr. BALFOUR must be something of a thought-reader. Intermingled
+with his narration of the varied and wonderful achievements of the
+Fleet, past and present, his description of the constant efforts to
+increase it both in ships and men, and his quietly confident prophecy
+that with this sure shield we might face the future in cheerful
+serenity, there were little sidethrusts at an imaginary critic. Some
+people had been silly enough to suggest that the new Board of Admiralty
+was so content with what had been done by "my right hon. and learned--I
+beg his pardon--gallant friend" that it had adopted a policy of "rest
+and be thankful". But there was no justification for "a certain kind of
+sub-acid pessimism that sometimes reaches my ears", and he must be a
+poor-spirited creature who, having been happy about the Navy in August,
+1914, could be depressed about in March, 1916.
+
+Then Colonel CHURCHILL proceeded to put the cap on. He has been studying
+the problems of sea-power in the trenches of Flanders, and the process
+has led him to gloomy conclusions. Suppose the Germans have been
+building more ships than we have: suppose they have put into them bigger
+guns than we wot of; suppose they were to come out at their selected
+moment and found us at our average moment.... The House was beginning to
+be a little weary of these depressing hypotheses when it was suddenly
+brought up all standing by the discovery that the orator was delivering
+a eulogy on Lord Fisher. He was the man who got things done in a hurry.
+He was the man who had the driving power. They had "parted brass-rags"
+over Gallipoli, it was true; but by-gones were by-gones. Having been
+away for some months, his mind was now clear (irreverent laughter), and
+he had come to recognise that his former foe was the only possible First
+Sea Lord.
+
+It must have been a little embarrassing for Lord FISHER to sit still and
+hear his praises thus chanted. But it is difficult to escape from the
+seat over the Clock without treading upon other people's toes, and this
+Lord FISHER is notoriously averse from doing. The moment, however, that
+Colonel CHURCHILL had finished he left the Gallery; but before he could
+wholly emerge he had to suffer the further shock of being cheered by
+some over-enthusiastic admirers behind him. It was a pity he left so
+soon, for later Sir HEDWORTH MEUX, fresh from Portsmouth, had some
+things to say which would not have compelled his blushes.
+
+_Wednesday, March 8th._--Members wondered yesterday why no reply to
+Colonel CHURCHILL was forthcoming from the Treasury Bench. Mr. BALFOUR
+made ample amends to-day for the omission. There is something in the
+personality of his critic--memories of Lord RANDOLPH, perhaps--that
+seems to put on extra polish on Mr. BALFOUR'S rapier when he deals with
+him. Who that heard it will ever forget his inimitable description of
+the then HOME SECRETARY superintending--"with a photographer"--the
+historic Siege of Sidney Street? This afternoon his sword-play was
+equally brilliant; and there was even more force behind the thrusts. If
+there had been delay in the progress of the new Dreadnoughts why was it?
+Because his right hon. predecessor had diverted the guns and
+gun-mountings intended for them into his new-fangled monitors. He had
+boasted of his own rapid shipbuilding. It had indeed been rapid--so much
+so that some of the vessels thus hastily constructed had now been
+remodelled. Coming to the proposed "remedy"--the recall of Lord FISHER
+to the Board of Admiralty--Mr. BALFOUR assumed a sterner tone. He
+reminded the house that Lord FISHER had been accused by his present
+champion of not having given him clear guidance or firm support over the
+Gallipoli Expedition. Colonel CHURCHILL'S present opinion of Lord FISHER
+was totally inconsistent with that which he had expressed a few months
+ago: possibly they were both remote from the truth. But it was an
+amazing proposition that the Government should be asked to dismiss Sir
+HENRY JACKSON, an officer who was everything that Lord FISHER according
+to Colonel CHURCHILL was not. He himself would not yield an inch to such
+a demand.
+
+Spontaneous debate has never been the Colonel's strong point. His
+oratorical engines are driven by midnight oil. Wisely, therefore, he did
+not attempt an elaborate _replique_ to Mr. BALFOUR'S "sword-play," but
+contented himself with a brief restatement of his case.
+
+_Thursday, March 9th._--Prophets swarm in both Houses of Parliament, but
+the House of Lords is unique in possessing one who confines himself to
+subjects which he has at his fingers' ends and whose prophecies have a
+habit of coming true. What Lord MONTAGU OF BEAULIEU does not know of the
+petrol engine, and its use on land or sea or in the air, is not worth
+knowing. Seven years ago he warned his countrymen of the bomb-dropping
+possibilities of the new German air-ships. A little later he pointed out
+that it was very doubtful if dirigible balloons could be successfully
+attacked by gunfire from the ground, and that the only effective way of
+opposing them was to meet like with like. Again in 1913 he dwelt upon
+the inadequacy of our aerial defences.
+
+His object to-day was not to extol his own merits as a prophet, but to
+get the Government to act on the motto "One Element One Service" and
+establish a single Ministry of the Air. Lord HALDANE thought we ought to
+do some "violent thinking" before adopting the proposal, but quite
+agreed (with a reminiscent glance at the Woolsack) that we had not made
+sufficient use of lighter-than-air machines. That was Lord BERESFORD'S
+view, too; we must oppose Zeps to Zeps. Then, having evidently done some
+violent thinking over the recent debate in the Commons he launched out
+into a wholly irrelevant attack upon Colonel CHURCHILL for trying to
+create anxiety about the Fleet, and appealed to Lord FISHER (who was not
+present though Lord BERESFORD had particularly invited him) to repudiate
+the agitation conducted by the honourable Member for DUNDEE, a few
+newspapers and twenty sandwichmen. Lord LANSDOWNE subsequently noted
+that this most irregular digression appeared to be "not wholly
+distasteful" to the peers assembled. Turning to Lord MONTAGU'S proposal
+he pointed out that the Government had gone some way to meet it by
+setting up Lord DERBY'S Committee. But, though prepared to see the
+Cabinet increased to a round couple of dozen, he was not convinced that
+the only way to remove imperfections was to appoint a new Minister to
+deal with them.
+
+It seems probable therefore that there is no truth in the report that
+Colonel CHURCHILL has been asked to join the Government as Minister of
+Admonitions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy (who is learning every minute about barbed-wire
+defences)._ "When I gets home, no more perishin' cats shall ever get
+into my back garden."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Painful Accident to a Clergyman.
+
+    "While the Rev. Mr. Stulting was camping out one of his calves
+    was attacked and stung to death by a passing swarm of bees."
+
+    _Cape Argus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sir THOMAS MACKENZIE, as reported by _The East Anglian Daily Times_:--
+
+    "I now think it is time you intermingled with your affairs a
+    little of the wisdom of the sergent instead of the dove-like
+    kindness which you have showed to the Germans in the past."
+
+There is a strong feeling among our N.C.O.'s that this is sound advice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lord Strachie asked in the House of Lords yesterday whether the
+    Government proposed to restrict the importation of hope."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+We understand that the answer was in the negative, as, owing to the
+activity of pessimists, there is still some shortage in the home-grown
+supplies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RECONCILIATION.
+
+[It is thought that the following story may have been intended for the
+"Organ of Organs" (R.A.M.C.)].
+
+Charles, the young Army Medical, went down on one patella. His heart (a
+hollow muscular pump) was driving blood from its ventricles as it had
+never yet driven it in all its twenty-five years of incessant labour.
+Further, by flattening the arch of his diaphragm and elevating his ribs
+and sternum, Charles was increasing the cavity of his thorax and taking
+in air. Immediately the diaphragm and the sternum and costal cartilages
+relaxed again the air escaped. The lungs of Charles were doing their
+work. Fast and yet faster became his breathing.
+
+"Mabel," he murmured, "Mabel!"
+
+The girl made no movement. Her respiration continued, but no impulse to
+action reached her nerve-centres. Yet, without an effort on her part,
+her tissues in one minute produced enough heat to boil one twenty-fourth
+of a pint of water.
+
+"Wonderful!" he whispered hoarsely, probably thinking of this, "you are
+wonderful."
+
+You will not marvel that his voice was gruff when I tell you that the
+membrane of the larynx was inflamed. Greater men than Charles have
+become hoarse in such circumstances.
+
+Immediately the blood rushed to the capillaries of Mabel's cheeks and
+her colour deepened. She trembled slightly.
+
+"There, that's it!" he cried, gazing rapturously.
+
+"What?" she gasped, startled by his passion.
+
+"Again that artery below your ear is throbbing, throbbing, and"--his
+voice rose in despair--"I can never remember the name! Can you?"
+
+"Alas," she moaned, "I do not know it! Oh, Charles, there is something I
+must tell you at once."
+
+"What is it?" he cried with sudden fear. "What is it?"
+
+"Why, I--I----Oh, I do not know how to say it. Charles, you will never
+forgive me!"
+
+"What is it, dearest? Tell me--you can trust me. The medical
+profession----"
+
+"Well, then, I tried to bandage little Johnny's foot yesterday,
+and--and----"
+
+"Calm yourself, dear. And----?"
+
+"I tied a 'granny' knot. Oh, Charles, _don't_ be angry. I _know_ it
+ought to have been a 'reef'!"
+
+He looked about him dully, like a man stunned.
+
+"Charles," she moaned, "listen! After all, I put it on the wrong foot."
+
+He started violently.
+
+"Mabel," he cried, "you are sure? Then I will not let you go. Had you
+tied that 'granny' knot on the right foot, I--we--as an R.A.M.C. man,
+I----"
+
+She clung to him sobbingly.
+
+"Charles, oh Charles," she panted, "you have proved it to me. You love
+me! (Is my heart throbbing now?) You love me and it will break for joy!"
+
+The phalanges and the metacarpal bones of her left hand clicked together
+as if in sympathy as she flung it to her side.
+
+Again her cerebrum flashed its joyful message, so that she repeated, "My
+heart!"
+
+At the word Charles, the R.A.M.C. man, rose from his patella and placed
+his hands firmly on his femur bones.
+
+His whole bearing had changed.
+
+"This," he said slowly and ringingly, "is the end. When I entered this
+room I loved you--I admit it. But--you have deceived me! Look at that
+hand! It is covering--what? The floating costae! Your heart is not where
+you would have me believe. It is fully three inches higher and more to
+the right. That is not a small matter, or one with which you should
+trifle as you do. But you have deceived me in a greater than that."
+
+"Oh, what is it? What have I done?" sobbed Mabel hysterically.
+
+"The greater matter," continued Charles in trumpet tones, "is that _the
+heart is not the seat of the emotions at all_. I can only conclude that
+your agitation was feigned. I wish you good-day, Madam."
+
+He had reached the door when she cried aloud.
+
+"Charles!"
+
+An urgent message from Charles's cerebellum, delivered to certain motor
+nerves by way of the spinal cord, disposed him to turn on his heel.
+
+He waited in silence.
+
+"Charles dearest, if it was the wrong place, and I didn't cover my heart
+after all, why, Charles, remember Johnny's foot and be logical!"
+
+She was there before him, glorious, and Charles stood dazzled.
+
+"You are right!" he cried. "Mabel! If you _had_ covered your heart!!"
+
+"Charles!!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Householder (with the Zeppelin obsession)._
+
+"Ah, I Like the Snow. It Reduces The Menace From Above."]
+
+[Illustration: !!!!!!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Yesterday between Forges and Bethincourt, west of the Meuse,
+    the enemy made use of suffocating gas, but did not attack with
+    infancy."--_Timaru Herald (N.Z.)._
+
+We are glad to have this evidence that the Huns have given up using
+children to screen their advances.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Plagues of rates have appeared at Pinsk, and in the British
+    trenches."
+
+    _Buenos Ayres Herald._
+
+Even at home we have not entirely escaped the epidemic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Floating Baby Found Unarmed."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+Had the Huns known of its defenceless condition they would never have
+allowed it to escape.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Like a poet, a geographer is born, not mad,' once wrote Sir
+    Clements Markham."
+
+    _Times of India._
+
+Some poets will be greatly relieved by this doctrine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Oldest Inhabitant (finally)._ "I tell 'ee I bain't goin'
+outside the door. Why, what'd folks think of me with no badge, nor
+harmlet, nor nothin'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LINES TO AN OLD FRIEND.
+
+[Dr. GEORGE PERNET, in a recent treatise on "The Health of the Skin,"
+discusses the continued decline in the popularity of the tall hat.]
+
+  O emblem of British decorum,
+    Whose vogue, for a century back,
+  In the Mart, in the House or the Forum
+    Few dared to impugn or attack;
+  'Tis sad, though the best of our bankers
+    Refuse to allow such a lapse,
+  That our youth irrepressibly hankers
+        For straws and for caps.
+
+  _Mr. Seagram_, in _Masterman Ready_,
+    Is pictured in many a hole,
+  And in postures however unsteady,
+    With his chimney-pot hat on his poll;
+  And our highly respected grand-paters,
+    When wielding their golf-clubs or bats,
+  Or proving their prowess as skaters,
+        Wore cylinder hats.
+
+  Worn straight by the priggish or surly
+    Thou didst not enthuse or beguile;
+  But tilted a little and curly
+    Of brim--how seductive thy style!
+  And never was pride that is proper
+    Sartorially better expressed
+  Than when an immaculate topper
+        Sat light on one's crest.
+
+  The cult of the bicycle, tending
+    To foster a laxer array,
+  And the motor, its influence lending,
+    Both seriously threatened thy sway;
+  But the War, most unfairly combining
+    The motives of comfort and thrift,
+  Thy glory, so sleek and so shining,
+        Has finally biffed.
+
+  Yet I cannot observe thy dethroning
+    Or watch thy effulgence depart
+  Without unaffectedly owning
+    A pang of regret in my heart.
+  I know thou wast stuffy, non-porous,
+    Unstable, top-heavy and hot;
+  But O! thou wast grimly decorous;
+        The bowler is not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Agreed.
+
+    "Original and inspiring as are Mr. Chesterton's writings, the
+    man is very much bigger than his works."--_Everyman._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "TOWN PLUNGED IN DARKNESS.
+
+    Population Warned by Syrens and buzzards."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+"_Our_ little town," writes the correspondent who sends us the above
+cutting, "was warned by dryads and wombats." And of course there is the
+well-known case of the Roman geese and the Capitol.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Organist (willing to help train choir) wanted for country
+    parish. Might suit clergyman's daughter."--_Church Times._
+
+He might, no doubt; but it is not safe to count on these affinities.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Manchester City Council on Wednesday decided to accept the
+    free use of Professor W. B. Bottomley's patients for the
+    conversion of raw peat by means of bacteria."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+If we were the patients we should make a small charge for the loan of
+the germs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There has been a naval skirmish in the Baltic, where the
+    elusive Goeben has been engaged by the Russians with the usual
+    result--the escape of the fugitive battle-cruiser behind the
+    mined defences of the Bosphorus."
+
+    _The Dominion (Wellington, N.Z.)_
+
+It must have been a fine sight to see this elusive vessel jump right
+across Russia and back again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The _Cologne Gazette_, referring to the simplicity of character
+    displayed by King Ferdinand of Bulgaria, says that frequently
+    when walking about the streets of Sofia he purchases a sausage
+    from a stall and eats it with his fingers as he passes along.
+    Latest advices say he is slowly recovering from his illness."
+
+    _Daily Express._
+
+It might have been much worse if he had eaten the sausage with his
+mouth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FLAT OVERTURE.
+
+I.
+
+_3, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 1st._
+
+Mrs. Sleight-Spender presents her compliments to Mrs. Crichton and would
+be obliged if she would prevent what is evidently a schoolroom piano
+being practised late at night, as it is most disturbing when one has
+friends.
+
+
+II.
+
+_7, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 1st._
+
+Mrs. Crichton presents her compliments to Mrs. Sleight-Spender and would
+willingly oblige her, but having neither a schoolroom nor a piano in her
+flat she finds a difficulty in doing so. Possibly if Mrs.
+Sleight-Spender addressed her remonstrance to No. 12, she would discover
+the cause of her complaint and might thereby earn the thanks of her
+neighbours by inducing Mr. Bogloffsksy to practise less for his
+concerts.
+
+
+III.
+
+_3, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 2nd._
+
+Dear Mr. BOGLOFFSKY,--Please forgive me for writing on the impulse of
+the moment in this unconventional way, but I have only just discovered
+that we are neighbours, for the Directory confirms what the unmistakable
+tones of a certain piano had long led me to suspect.
+
+Will you very kindly waive all ceremony and join us at a friendly little
+dinner on the 10th, at 7.30?
+
+Yours sincerely,
+
+Editha Sleight-Spender.
+
+
+IV.
+
+_12, Fotheringay Court Mansions, S.W. March 2nd._
+
+Dear MRS. SLEIGHT-SPENDER,--Your amiable letter leaves me nothing but
+pleasure. My poor company shall be agreeable to join your hospitable
+family.
+
+With respect, I am, Yours sincere,
+
+Serge Bogloffsky.
+
+
+V.
+
+_From Miss Isolt Sleight-Spender to Miss Marjorie Browne._
+
+(Extract.)
+
+... Oh, my dear, don't reproach me for not having run round. We are
+simply off our heads. Bogloffsky--_the_ Bogloffsky--is coming to dinner
+on Friday next, and the Mudder and I have been simply _tearing_. Even
+the Sticklers have accepted, and we hope to get Sir Henry Say, as the
+Dudder met him once at a City dinner. Of course _I_ shall have to play
+something first. Pity me!....
+
+
+VI.
+
+_From Mrs. Sleight-Spender to Messrs. Rosewood and Sons. March. 3rd._
+
+Mrs. Sleight-Spender requires the use of a _very_ good piano on the
+10th. It must be a _grand_, as it is for Mr. Bogloffsky. Under the
+circumstances Mrs. Sleight-Spender supposes there will be only a nominal
+charge, if any.
+
+
+VII.
+
+_From Sir Henry Say to Cuthbert Haddington. March 11th._
+
+My dear Bertie,--Last night I skimmed some of the cream of life, and
+incidentally got an idea for a _lever de rideau_, of which I make you a
+present.
+
+Far be it from me to glean from the crop of trouble of a man whose salt
+I have eaten, but the situation was a gift from the gods, which I will
+not spoil on a sheet of notepaper. When have you a free evening?
+
+Always, Harry.
+
+
+VIII.
+
+_From Miss Isolt Sleight-Spender to Miss Marjorie Browne._
+
+(Extract.)
+
+... The Mudder is quite ill. It is all through that woman at No. 7. It
+must be because we didn't call on her. But what an evening ruined!
+Bogloffsky behaved like a perfect _pig_ and wouldn't play a note after
+all the trouble he put us to; and when we got up from the table they say
+he sniffed at his coffee and pulled some out of his pocket and rubbed it
+in his hands to make the others smell the difference. Did you ever hear
+of such a thing?....
+
+
+IX.
+
+_From Serge Bogloffsky to Stepan Bogloffsky, Moscow._
+
+(Translation.)
+
+_March_ 11th,
+
+My Brother,--The Mazurka has been found beneath the lid of thy
+pianoforte and is already despatched to thee--that pianoforte, alas!
+which must now remain silent until thy longed-for return. Greet the
+worthy Moschki and request him urgently to send the samples of tea, as I
+have now an opportunity with a wealthy family which may make great
+business.
+
+That thy affairs prosper is my prayer. All the family embrace thee.
+
+Serge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The gunlayer's eye followed it through the air, saw it splash
+    into the sea three hundred yards short of the target, and swore
+    softly."--_Answers._
+
+The gunlayer would seem to have an eloquent eye.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOLDIER POLITICIAN.
+
+A Biographical Note.
+
+Considerable promise was shown in the speech delivered before the House
+of Commons last week by Colonel CHURCHILL. His utterance had the effect
+of instantly lifting that gallant gentleman from the obscurity of life
+"somewhere in France" to something approaching notoriety. Surely few
+soldiers have discovered such a gift of dialectical skill; and the Army
+must feel proud to learn that it possesses an officer who shows himself
+to be as able in the realm of politics as in the profession of arms.
+
+Colonel CHURCHILL'S sensational _tour de force_ has aroused a natural
+interest in his personality. He is still a young man, being only just on
+the wrong side of forty. In choosing a military career he responded to
+hereditary impulse, for he is a direct descendant of that great military
+genius, the Duke of MARLBOROUGH. He entered the army in 1895, when
+little more than a boy. After seeing service in Cuba and India he fought
+in the Egyptian Campaign of 1898, and in a journalistic capacity took
+part in the South African War, the news of his capture being received in
+this country with much feeling. To his skill as a soldier Colonel
+CHURCHILL adds no small ability as a writer, and has published more than
+one book that has attracted favourable notice.
+
+Following upon his remarkable speech of the other night, there has been
+some discussion as to whether Colonel CHURCHILL will definitely take up
+a political career, or return to the trenches. We have it on good
+authority that an old friend, Sir HEDWORTH MEUX, strongly advises him
+not to sacrifice his military prospects. On the other hand, his
+colleagues at the Front feel that in the national interest they are
+prepared to do their best without him, in view of the benefit likely to
+accrue from his remaining at home. In any case it is confidently
+asserted by those who know him that Colonel CHURCHILL has gone far
+towards making a name for himself, and that he is likely to go further
+still if the opportunity is given to him. His future is certain to be
+watched with interest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Delay Before Verdun.
+
+Bosch (quoting "_unser_ Shakspeare"):
+
+    "If it Verdun ven 'tis done, then 't vere vell it Verdun
+    quickly."--_Macbeth, Act_ I. 7.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Music for Conscientious Objectors.
+
+    "St. George's Cathedral.--Anthem, 'I was slack when they said
+    unto me' (Elvey)."
+
+    _Cape Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sergeant._ "Keep yer dressin' by the left there! Blimey!
+you don't want N.C.O.'s--what you want is a bloomin' sheep-dog!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
+
+I never open a book by Mr. ROBERT HALIFAX without a feeling of pleasant
+anticipation, nor close one without a sense of quickened sympathy for my
+fellow-mortals, especially those of them who dwell in Camden Town. His
+latest story, _The Right to Love_ (METHUEN), finds him again on familiar
+ground; but the inhabitants of Widdiford Street have all the freshness
+of real human beings. Perhaps more than its predecessors _The Right to
+Love_ is a story with a purpose and a moral; in it Mr. HALIFAX has
+illustrated by two groups of characters the vexed question of marriage
+failures and the hard lot of the unwanted woman. But do not suppose that
+these characters are merely "cases." On the contrary, it is because they
+are realized as understandable creations of flesh and blood that the
+disasters of _Norah_ and _Tom Spain_ and the tragedy of _Letty
+Summerbee's_ enforced spinsterhood move one to so personal a concern.
+From the moment when _Norah_ and _Tom_ enter their little house after
+the short honeymoon to that in which the tormented young wife finally
+leaves her worthless husband for the protection (word rightly used) of
+his long-suffering friend one is made to feel that exactly thus and thus
+the affair happened, and is happening to like persons every day. As for
+_Letty_, with her restraint, her practical helpfulness and her
+occasional outbursts of emotion thwarted and suppressed, she is a type
+only too convincing. Perhaps one might object that Mr. HALIFAX brings an
+indictment against society without suggesting any practical remedy. Also
+that--as I have noticed before--his humorous characters have a tendency
+to edge away from the rest into the regions of farce. But for all that
+_The Right to Love_ remains a simple, sincere and very moving study.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I like the remark that General JOFFRE made, not to the horse-marines,
+but to the remnants of the six thousand _Fusiliers Marins_ who made up
+the Naval Brigade at Dixmude in November, 1914. "You are my best
+infantrymen," he told them; and, if you want to know why, all you have
+to do is read _Dixmude_ (HEINEMANN), by CHARLES LE GOFFIC. For four
+weeks, shrapnel to right of them, "saucepans" to left of them, volleyed
+and thundered, and for four weeks the six thousand stood in the valley
+of death at Dixmude and held up six times as many Boches, who came on,
+as one of them said, like bugs. Forty thousand was the estimate of the
+number of these marines formed by a German major who was one of their
+prisoners; when he learnt that they were only six he wept with rage and
+muttered, "Ah, if we had only known!" Dixmude was not quite such a big
+affair as Verdun, but the men who held the town, "the young ladies with
+the red pompoms" on their caps, were first cousins to our own Jack Tars.
+Bretons or Britons, there is nothing to choose between them. Sailors
+all, they are the salt of the sea; and this fascinating and
+circumstantial epic of the French marines is not at all an exaggerated
+picture of the cheery courage and endurance of the Breton fisherman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Sussex Gorse_ (NISBET) is a story about the fight between man and
+nature. It is told by Miss SHEILA KAYE-SMITH with considerable power and
+a quickening touch of symbolism that lifts it into romance. The ambition
+of _Reuben Backfield_ was to enlarge the Sussex farm that he had
+inherited from his easy-going father till its bounds should include a
+certain coveted moor. The book shows how his entire life was spent in
+the achievement of this end; how for it he sacrificed his own ease, and
+the happiness of his brother, his two wives and his many children, and
+how finally he triumphed, and in his lonely old age, seeing the desired
+acres all his own, was content. It is a grim book, with only now and
+then a touch of suggested poetry to save it from being uniformly sordid
+and depressing. As it is, the long unsparing struggle takes somehow the
+dignity of an epic. Only one of _Reuben's_ many sons makes any success
+out of life--_Richard_, who becomes a barrister, and treats his father
+to occasional visits of curiosity and amused patronage. There is a
+chapter of cynical humour in which the intolerant contemptuous old
+rustic is confronted by the art-loving triflers who gather in his son's
+drawing-room. Otherwise he is alone. "There's no one gone from here as
+has ever come back!" But I was glad that Miss KAYE-SMITH had the courage
+to play fair by her hero, and to give him at last his share of the hard
+bargain. This is only one of many qualities that make _Sussex Gorse_ a
+novel to be remembered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I can't quite make out what made Mr. WILLIAM HEWLETT persist in
+_Introducing William Allison_ (SECKER). Probably a nice general
+conviction (rather infectious; I caught it) of his own cleverness. If
+his work wants a good deal of pulling together separate bits of it are
+confoundedly well done. The schoolboy conversations (_William_ is a
+Winchester man, thrown into a lawyer's clerkship straight from the
+sixth) and the picture of the superbly groomed associates of his
+friend's brother, _Marmaduke Fenton_, are cases in point, though I don't
+think Winchester would have been so absurdly abashed by the glories of
+bachelordom in Half-Moon Street. So too is the lecture of _Parbury_, the
+neo-decadent, on the cultivation of "that sacred and imperishable
+flower, the white unsullied bloom of an Intensely Useless Life," even if
+it be only a belated cutting from _The Green Carnation_. _William's_
+first boyish passion for a quite cold shop-minx, with its agonies of
+self-abasement and rarefied desire, is uncannily clever; and the
+thoroughly unpleasant episode of our _William_, minx-free, only to be
+caught in the toils of that insatiable sensualist, Mrs. _Daintree_, is
+presented with discreet vigour. There is possibly a moral in the
+fascinating _Marmaduke's_ desperate half-hour in Dr. _Ferox's_
+consulting-room. But Mr. HEWLETT never wrote this flippant tale to point
+a moral. Rather, as I suggest, he seems to have said, "These are samples
+of several _genres_ in which I can succeed on my head. Some day I will
+really finish something. Meanwhile pray be amused."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of Miss ETHEL DELL'S popularity there seems to be no possible doubt, and
+her publishers, Messrs. HUTCHINSON, assure me that her latest, _The Bars
+of Iron_, is the best novel she has written. While accepting their
+unprejudiced judgment I retain the liberty of remaining unimpressed.
+Miss DELL has an eye for a plot and she can make things move; but her
+methods are too feverish for my taste. A man-fight in the prologue is
+followed by a dog-fight in the first chapter, and through the early part
+of the book the _Rev. S. Lorimer_ beats his numerous family again and
+again. It is true that, between her explosions, she introduces certain
+lovable characters, but they fail to correct the general atmosphere of
+violence. Neither the beauty of _Piers Evesham_ (his naked shoulders
+looked "like a piece of faultless statuary, god-like, superbly strong"),
+nor his sympathy with children, offers adequate compensation for his
+volcanic temperament. If Miss DELL, who seems to have a penchant for
+tempestuous heroes, would devote some of her superfluous energy to a
+study of men, so as to get to understand them as well as she understands
+her own sex, it would be a good thing for the quality both of her work
+and of her public.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In her latest little volume of verse, modestly entitled _Simple Rhymes
+for Stirring Times_ (PEARSON), Miss JESSIE POPE shows that she has not
+only the right spirit, but a sense of form beyond the common. She does
+not pretend to heroics and she seldom allows herself to touch a note of
+pathos; her mission is just to inspire other hearts with the infectious
+gay courage of her own. It finds a natural expression in the easy lilt
+of her measures. She is fluent rather than polished and never overlays
+her designs with excess of embroidery. Long practice has made her
+familiar with a craft which is not so easy as it looks; and in
+particular she has learnt the art of the final line. Miss POPE may
+possibly run the risk of over-writing herself; but so long as she brings
+a discriminating eye to the choice of what is worth preserving--and she
+has been _quite_ reasonably self-critical in her present selection--the
+matter that she jettisons is no affair of mine. Judging only by what I
+see here, I recognise that, in whatever other way she may be helping the
+cause, through her gift of light-heart verse she is doing--and none more
+bravely--her share of woman's work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Touring Stage Manager (rehearsing super)._ "And when you
+hear the cue, 'Ah, here comes the Kaiser!' you stride slowly on to the
+stage looking like the guilty Monarch."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Journalistic Colour.
+
+    "On all hands their preparations for their ultimate victory are
+    being pressed forward with unflagging zest, and nowhere has the
+    white heat of their resolve grown pale"--_Daily Graphic._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from Scottish Command Orders:--
+
+    "When marriage has actually taken place, the N.C.O. or man
+    should inform O.C. at once, so as to ensure the necessary
+    documents for separation allowance for the wife being made out,
+    and this casualty should in addition be inserted in Part II.
+    Orders."
+
+    _Scotsman._
+
+This appears to confirm the belief that a Scottish marriage is a sort of
+accident that might happen to anyone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is easy to understand why the Zeppelins have a partiality for
+almshouses. They think it's another name for munition works.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the report of a music-hall action:--
+
+    "In reply to Mr. Justice Darling, he sang comic songs and
+    appeared alone on the stage."--_Morning Paper._
+
+After all the Bench cannot always monopolise the "star turns," even in
+Mr. JUSTICE DARLING'S court.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+150, MARCH 15, 1916***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22988.txt or 22988.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/8/22988
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/22988.zip b/22988.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0b76d63
--- /dev/null
+++ b/22988.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a1baa18
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #22988 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/22988)