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diff --git a/22941.txt b/22941.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a3af52 --- /dev/null +++ b/22941.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1910 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, May +3, 1916, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, May 3, 1916 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: October 10, 2007 [eBook #22941] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 150, MAY 3, 1916*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, David King, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22941-h.htm or 22941-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/4/22941/22941-h/22941-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/4/22941/22941-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 150 + +MAY 3, 1916 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +SIR ROGER CASEMENT, it appears, landed in Ireland from a collapsible +boat. And by a strange coincidence his arrival synchronised with the +outbreak of a collapsible rebellion. + + *** + +Hard soap can now be obtained in Germany only by those who purchase +bread tickets. The soft variety cannot be obtained at all, the whole +supply, it seems, having been commandeered by the Imperial Government +for export to the United States. + + *** + +L175 worth of radium was lost last week in Dundee. The ease with which +bar radium can be melted down and remoulded in the form of cheap +jewellery affords, according to the local police, a clear indication +that this was the work of thieves. + + *** + +A conscientious objector has stated that he had even given up fishing on +humanitarian grounds. We fear that his fish stories may have caused some +fatal attacks of apoplexy among his audiences. + + *** + +According to Sir THOMAS BARLOW "the importation of bananas has had a +far-reaching effect on the digestion of our children." Only last Monday +week the importation of six bananas had just that kind of effect on the +digestion of our own dear little Percy. + + *** + +Portugal has decided to expel German sympathisers of whatever +nationality. Other clubs please copy. + + *** + +From the Eastern Counties comes news that in last week's Zeppelin raid +twenty turnips were "completely destroyed." And so the grim work of +starving England into submission goes relentlessly on. + + *** + +"That boy there," said the LORD MAYOR at the Mansion House, in +addressing some children from an orphanage, "can easily become a Lord +Mayor." Cases of this sort are really not hard to diagnose when you are +familiar with the symptoms, and the LORD MAYOR had, of course, noticed +the hearty manner in which the lad was attacking his food. + + *** + +The latest Shakspearean discovery announced by Sir SIDNEY LEE is that +the Bard was a successful man of business; but the really nice people +who have lately taken him up have resolved not to let the fact prejudice +them against him after all these years. + + *** + +"Absence of the Polecat from Ireland" is the title of a vigorous article +in the current number of _The Field_. While agreeing in substance with +the writer, we cannot refrain from commenting on this unexpected +departure of a peculiarly moderate organ from its customary restraint in +dealing with the political questions of the day. + + *** + +The Editor of _The Angler's News_ makes public the request that +fishermen will provide him with the particulars of any exceptionally big +fish which they may catch. Strangely enough he does not suggest that the +data should be accompanied, for purposes of verification, by the fish +themselves. It is refreshing to know that there is a man left here and +there who is not trying to make something out of the War. + + *** + +One of the Zeppelins that recently visited England dropped one hundred +bombs without causing a single casualty, and a movement is on foot to +present the Commander with a pair of white gloves. + + *** + +"What I wish to show Mr. Norman," says Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON in _The New +Witness_, "is that the fantastic pursuit of the _idee fixe_ ... leads to +a _reductio ad absurdum_." One has often had occasion to notice the +rapidity with which a young _idee fixe_ will dart down a convenient +_reductio ad absurdum_ when closely pursued. + + *** + +A writer in the current number of _The Fortnightly Review_ has +elaborated the theory that the War can be won without difficulty by +breaking through the German line in the West. It is the ability to grasp +these simple but fundamental truths that distinguishes the military +genius from the War Office hack. + + *** + +The majority of the larger railways have now announced their intention +of serving no more meals on trains. While the reason has not been +officially stated the authorities are said to be of the opinion that +Zeppelins have on several occasions been able to reach important termini +by following the smell of cookery. + + * * * * * + +The Perils of the Tyne. + + "A ship's apprentice who attempted the rescue of a man in + shark-infested waters to-day, at Newcastle, received the + Shipping Federation's diploma and medal." + + _Morning Paper._ + + * * * * * + +The Infallible Experts. + + "In general (continued Count Andrassy), the battle has ceased to + be of the nature of a siege, as it was intended to be at the + beginning. It is a long-drawn-out and deadly combat between the + French and German armies, and the victory of one will + undoubtedly be the defeat of the other."--_Yorkshire Post._ + + "It is a reasonable conclusion from these facts that ... the + principal attack, supposing that it should actually have taken + place, has already been made." + + _Col. FEYLER in "The Sunday Times."_ + + * * * * * + +Delphinium Hybrids. + + "What looks much handsomer than a sow of Delphiniums in the + borders of your garden, and once planted they are always + there."--_Garden Work for Amateurs._ + +The only drawback is that it is apt to make such a litter. + + * * * * * + + "Before we are through with it, we may be obliged to have a war + outright with Mexico, because the Defacto Government is none too + friendly to us."--_Bournemouth Guardian._ + +It is not perhaps generally known that President Defacto is a direct +descendant of that well-known ruler, Senor A. Priori. + + * * * * * + + "Outside Dublin the county is tranquil. Mr. Asquith, and three + minor cases of disturbance are reported."--_Evening News._ + +We deprecate this attempt to import political prejudice into the +situation. + + * * * * * + + "Two ladies obliged to remain in furnished house, Bournemouth, + till let, offer free weekly accommodation to middle-aged healthy + lady and dog in difficulties through war." + + _The Common Cause._ + +Even the pets are feeling the pinch of the Common Cause. + + + * * * * * + +THE DIVINER. + +[Illustration: Reporter studying a Member's expression as he leaves the +house after a Secret Session.] + + * * * * * + +DRESS ECONOMY AND THE CLAIMS OF ART. + +[To Lord SPENCER on seeing his portrait by Mr. ORPEN at the Royal +Academy.] + + Here, at the Press View, ere the opening day + Admits the public on receipt of pay + And all the gallery like a murmurous shell hums, + I stand before your picture, awed and mute, + In reverent worship and an old, old suit + Of baggy ante-bellums. + + For, when Britannia first in wrath arose, + I took a vow:--So long as these poor clo's + Together, though reduced to just a mesh, hold, + Never will I, till Victory's trump rings clear + (Save when I purchase military gear), + Cross any tailor's threshold. + + Yet, gazing on the garb you figure in, + Shining and perfect as a new-born pin-- + The frock-coat built to dazzle gods and men, Sir, + The virgin tie, the collar passing tall, + The flawless crease of trousers which recall + The prime of BOBBY SPENCER-- + + I hesitate to blame your lack of thrift; + I would not have your sacred feelings biffed + By harsh reflections from a patriot's war-pen; + Those rich externals which arrest the view + Were but adopted as essential to + The scheme of Mr. ORPEN. + + Such was the sacrifice you made to Art! + And there are other portraits, very smart-- + Sitters who must have borne the same hard trial; + Who waived their loyal taste for cheap attire + And went, superbly tailored, through the fire + Of noble self-denial. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +No. XXXVIII. + +(_From General VON FALKENHAYN._) + +ALMIGHTIEST WAR-LORD,--See how the Fates make sport with us! We began in +February to make our great attack upon the fortified position at Verdun. +In ten days, so we thought, our massed artillery, firing a ceaseless +torrent of projectiles, would have shattered beyond recovery the lines +of the enemy, and our irresistible infantry, breaking through like a +flood, would have swept away all opposition, and would without doubt +have taken the fortress and cleared our way to Paris and to decisive +victory. So we believed, having, as it appeared, every reason for our +belief, and having taken into account in our careful planning all the +chances and vicissitudes to which men and battles are exposed. And now +May is come with her buds and blooms, May, when, as your Majesty knows, +the heart of every good honest German turns to thoughts of beer-gardens +and draughts of foaming liquid, and so far as the capture of Verdun and +the opening of the road to Paris are concerned we have done nothing that +has any value except for our foes, who have had the satisfaction of +seeing us beat ourselves to fragments against the steel wall of their +defence. It must be confessed that German blood and German courage have +been miserably wasted, and not even our resources, great as they are, +can much longer stand the strain which has been imposed upon them. + +Your Majesty asks me what under these circumstances it is best to do. +Shall we break off our attacks at Verdun and direct our hammer-blows at +some other part of the front? Theoretically there is much to be said +from the purely military standpoint for such a course; but can your +Majesty foresee what the moral effect would be upon our troops in the +field and upon the Germans still left behind us in Germany? We might, of +course, announce that we had now gained everything we had set out to +gain, that the French had lost immense numbers of killed and wounded, +that we had taken in unwounded prisoners the equivalent of an army +corps, that our booty was incalculable, and that, in fact, the victory +was definitely ours. But would Germany believe this statement-- +REVENTLOW, of course, would believe it, but then he would believe +anything--and above all would the French believe it? I can promise your +Majesty that they would believe nothing of the sort, and that they would +give some excellent reasons for their disbelief. And the result would be +that we should be held not only to have acknowledged our failure, but +also to have made ourselves ridiculous in the sight of the whole world. +That, I am certain, would be intolerable for your Majesty and for the +German people, who have been fed upon a diet of victory, and would be +beyond measure disquieted by such an admission of failure as I have +mentioned. No, the only thing to do, now that we have been so deeply +involved, is to persist in the struggle and hope that we may in the end +wear out enemies who have hitherto shown no signs of fatigue. + +Fortunately it cannot be said that your Majesty is involved in this lack +of the success we all hoped for. Though you are nominally the chief +Commander of our Armies it is known that in the actual operations your +Majesty has played the modest part of an onlooker rather than a +director. Formerly, that is before the breaking out of the War, you were +a great planner of plans, and it was understood that, in case of war, +you would lead your armies in the field and prove that a Hohenzollern +can do anything. But now you have recognised your limitations, and no +Emperor can well do more than that. You do not now thrust your advice +upon your generals, whatever you may have done at the outset of the War, +and, though you may once have dreamed of leading your hosts in a +thundering charge upon the foe, you have long since abandoned such +visions and have begun to realise that an Emperor is but a man and +cannot know everything. This, at least, is my conviction, and I testify +it to your Majesty with all the bluntness that befits a soldier who has +been honoured by his Sovereign with a high command. + +Most dutifully yours, VON FALKENHAYN. + + * * * * * + +Good Hunting. + + "The jungle sale held in Warrenpoint in aid of the Warrenpoint + District Nursing Association realised the sum of L40. 3s." + + _Northern Whig._ + + * * * * * + + "Young couple furnishing wishes to buy contents of 3 rooms, + including piano, or part of same."--_Edinburgh Evening News._ + +Their future neighbours are hoping that they will get one without a +keyboard. + + * * * * * + + "There is scarcely a family who have not someone near and dear + to them in the fighting line, and by substituting the task of + knitting for that of sewing, the well-known lines of Ibid are + particularly appropriate:-- + + 'My tears must stop, for every drop + Hinders needle and thread.'" + + _York Herald._ + +_Ibid_, who is a close connection of that other voluminous author, +_Anon_, seems on this occasion to have plagiarized from HOOD. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Court Official. "I VENTURE TO REMIND THE ALL-HIGHEST THAT +WE ARE APPROACHING THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE SINKING OF THE _LUSITANIA_. IS +IT YOUR MAJESTY'S PLEASURE THAT THE CHILDREN SHOULD HAVE ANOTHER PUBLIC +HOLIDAY TO CELEBRATE THAT GLORIOUS EVENT?" + +Kaiser. "GO AWAY! I AM ENGAGED ON SOME VERY DELICATE CORRESPONDENCE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Traveller._ "This 'ere's a terrible war, Bill." + +Second ditto. "Yus. What's the price o' beer now?"] + + * * * * * + +ON THE SPY TRAIL. + +Jimmy's bloodhound, Faithful, had his fortune told the other +day--really, I mean; not what the man next door says when Faithful keeps +on singing to his cat at night from the bottom of an apple-tree. + +Jimmy says the man next door often has gloomy thoughts as to what will +happen to Faithful, and he gets up from his warm bed to tell them to +him. + +Jimmy says Faithful was not expecting to have his fortune told; he was +just sitting quietly on the wall near the road, watching the day go by. + +Everything was very nice and quiet and peaceful; there was a cat up each +of three trees close by, and a hen up another, all being comfortable and +quite all right where they were, thank you, because Faithful had +inquired. + +The man next door was being busy amongst his flowers; he was replanting +some that had been planted right on the top of a place where Faithful +had laid down some bones to mature. + +Things were so quiet that Jimmy was just thinking about taking his +bloodhound on the spy trail, when a woman came along with a little +hand-organ slung round her neck and a cage containing two small green +parrots for telling your fortune. + +Bloodhounds are very fond of music, Jimmy says; they sing to it, at +least Faithful does. Jimmy says Faithful lifted up his stomach and threw +back his head; but he found it a little difficult to keep time at first, +because, you see, the notes that were missing in the organ were not the +same ones that were missing in Faithful's voice. Jimmy says it is just +the same when two people singing a duet both have hiccoughs; unless they +hiccough together you always notice something wrong. + +The parrots were very clever; they would come out of the cage and perch +on the end of a stick the woman held, and then pick a small blue +envelope out of a box. Jimmy says that he doesn't think the parrots had +ever seen a prize bloodhound like Faithful before, not even in their +native haunts, for when Faithful tried to make a fuss of them and love +them they kept flying about the cage and moulting their feathers at him. + +Faithful picked up one of the feathers, and when one of the parrots came +out of the cage to tell fortunes he tried to put the feather back again. +But the parrot avoided him and went away. + +Faithful did his best to catch it again; he has a very good nose for +game, Jimmy says, and he soon tracked the parrot to its lair: it had +joined the hen, and the hen was being surprised--you could hear it doing +it, Jimmy says. + +Jimmy says Faithful sat at the bottom of the tree and tried to look like +a birdcage; but his presence seemed to disturb the woman so much that +Jimmy had to put the chain on him and lead him away. + +Jimmy says Faithful kept yearning to go back and help; he is a good +yearner, Jimmy says, and he does it by pushing his head through the +collar as far as he can stretch it, and then choking. Jimmy says the +butcher is a good yearner too, but he does it by going red in the face +and trying to burst his collar with his neck. He did it at Faithful this +time. You see Faithful was quietly passing his shop and doing nothing at +all to anyone--Jimmy had only just let him loose on the trail--when he +caught sight of the butcher's sandy cat lying curled up in the window +and going up and down at him with her side. Jimmy says cats are always +doing something like that at his bloodhound, and then what can you +expect if you will do it? + +There was a fly-paper on the counter, and after old Faithful had driven +the cat into a corner Jimmy saw him suddenly swing his tail at the +fly-paper and get firm hold of it; then he squatted down on the counter +and wagged the fly-paper at the cat like anything to try and mesmerise +it. Jimmy says that when the butcher came into the shop, and Faithful +stopped to turn round and see where things were, the butcher yearned at +him like anything, and it only made him worse when old Faithful +semaphored at him with the fly-paper. + +There was only a bluebottle on the fly-paper besides Faithful, Jimmy +says, so that it wasn't very crowded; but by the buzz the bluebottle +kept on making you would think it owned the fly-paper. Jimmy says his +bloodhound had never shared a fly-paper with a bluebottle before, and he +kept stopping to answer the bluebottle back instead of keeping to the +spy trail. + +Jimmy says Faithful had just sent an ultimatum to the bluebottle when +there came the sounds of the hand-organ from a house close by. + +Jimmy says as soon as Faithful heard the music he seemed to stiffen all +at once and become rigid. He looked splendid like that, Jimmy says. One +paw up, his tail as straight as he could get it, and the fly-paper at +half-mast--everything pointing to sudden death. + +Jimmy followed Faithful as hard as he could, and was in time to see him +stalking quietly hand over fist across a lawn while the woman was +getting one of the green parrots on the end of the stick. + +Jimmy knew the man who lived at the house, and who was having his +fortune told. He had come there to live a tired life, Jimmy says, and +when the War broke out he had put up a big flag-pole with a Union Jack +on it as his share. + +Jimmy says the parrot had just got the man's fortune in its beak, when +Faithful took a standing jump from behind the woman at it. It was awful, +Jimmy says. The woman gave a scream and grabbed at the parrot, the man +grabbed at Faithful, and Faithful--well, Jimmy says he never knew quite +what Faithful did or how he did it, but he emerged with the man's +fortune sticking to the fly-paper. + +Jimmy says bloodhounds are very sensitive and avoid a commotion; but the +man and the woman were not used to his side action in running and they +fell over one another. + +Jimmy says it was a very funny fortune; it was in a special red envelope +and he couldn't understand it at first. You see it only contained the +names of some towns and villages, and Jimmy was just wishing that +Faithful would leave music and parrots and fly-papers and fortunes +alone, and catch German spies instead, when it all came to him because a +friend of his mother's lived at one of the villages and some Zeppelin +bombs had been dropped there. + +The woman had given the man the names of the places where Zeppelin bombs +had fallen, and old Faithful had been tracking them down all the time. + +Jimmy's head just buzzed with thoughts as he ran to the police-station. +They caught the man and the woman, and one of the policemen discovered +the flag-pole on the man's lawn, and it turned out to be part of a +wireless apparatus to send messages to Germany. + +Jimmy says that, when the spies were nicely locked up and settled for +the night, one of the policemen got the parrot to tell Faithful's +fortune, and when they opened the envelope it said, + +"Your face is your fortune." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Subaltern._ "Well, what do you want?" + +_Tommy_ (_formerly a cobbler_). "The Cap'n's 'orse wants soleing and +'eeling, Sir."] + + * * * * * + +A VERDICT REVISED. + + Randolph the rash in cruel phrase defames + The "mediocrities with double names;" + But nowadays we find whole-hearted pleaders + Urging the claims of hyphenated leaders. + + For what were Pemberton without the thrilling + Corollary and supplement of Billing? + While Billing by itself, pronounced _tout court_ + And shorn of Pemberton, sounds bald and poor. + + Without emotion you and I may any day + Light on a Jones unwedded to a Kennedy; + Likewise a Kennedy unlinked with Jones + Will fail to stir the marrow in our bones. + + Mark you, moreover, how the order tends + To foster and promote euphonic ends; + For Billing Pemberton sounds flat and dull, + And Jones prefixed to Kennedy is null. + + But Pemberton by Billing followed up, + And Kennedy with Jones to fill the cup, + Electrify the nation's tympanum + And strike the voice of sober Season dumb. + + * * * * * + +A quotation from BROWNING as rendered by _The Daily Chronicle_:-- + + "No! let me taste the whole of it, fare like my peers, + The horrors of old." + +We regret to see our respected contemporary has not yet abandoned its +prejudice against the Upper House. + + * * * * * + + "A report was read from the Sanitary Inspector who has now + joined the 3rd/4th Wilts Regt. This showed that 18 parishes had + been infected under the Housing and Town Planning Act, leaving + eight parishes still to be dealt with."--_Wiltshire Advertiser._ + +In the interests of the uninfected parishes we trust that the Sanitary +Inspector will deal faithfully with the Germs. + + * * * * * + +LUNCHEON CAUSERIES. + +A young lady typist was overheard remarking in a City teashop the other +day that she liked SILAS HOCKING better than JOSEPH, because the latter +was "rather deep." The remark was significant of the new atmosphere of +literary enthusiasm which the feminine invaders of business London have +brought with them into the luncheon-hour. We are instituting a causerie +for the special benefit of this large class of readers, i.e. those who +get out of their depth in the transition from SILAS to JOSEPH. + +I want to introduce you to-day to a writer whose subtle genius defies +analysis but demands reverent appreciation. Ruby L. Binns came into my +own intellectual life at a rather critical stage in my reading. Like +most young men of the early nineteen-noughts, I had fallen under the +spell of Guy Beverley, whose _Only a Mill Hand_ and _Squire Darrell's +Heir_ appeared to us the consummation of the novelettist's art. In those +days every other young man you met was mouthing the great renunciation +scene from the _Mill Hand_. Small marvel too! As I recall it even now +something of the old glamour revives. + + "Go!" cried Mary Ellen. "Though you are the Export Manager and I + but a poor humble mill-girl, I would sooner beg my bread from + door to door than seek it at _your_ hand." She eyed him with + pitiless scorn. Jasper Dare went out into the night. + +Fine? Ay, and more than fine. But we young men of the nineteen-noughts +made one big mistake. We thought Guy Beverley had scaled the summit of +art; but art has no summit. We thought he had plumbed the depths of +psychology; but psychology defies the plumber. I date a new epoch in my +life from that day in 19-- when I picked up my _Daily Reflector_ and +read the opening chapter of a new serial, _Her Soldier Sweetheart_, by +Ruby L. Binns. That was on a Monday. By Wednesday of that week this +unknown writer had revealed to me a New Idea and a New Style. The idea +is familiar to most of you now, but in those days the daring conception +that a common soldier might turn out to be the missing heir of a baronet +rang like a challenge in the ears of the older romanticism. It is her +style, however, that is Ruby Binns's most enduring gift to English prose +literature. Lean, restrained, economical, it holds (for me) the very +spirit of the English race and tongue. Listen:-- + + She went to the door, thinking she heard something. There was + nobody there, so she went back to her work, thinking sadly of + her soldier boy. "Cheer up," said Clarice; "perhaps he'll come + back soon." "Perhaps," answered Yvonne wanly, "but it does not + seem very likely, does it, dear?" The next moment the door + opened and a tall soldierly figure entered the room. + +English? It is like a May morning on Tooting Common. Beverley would have +handled that situation well, no doubt. But could he--could anyone--have +achieved the poignancy of that unaffected phrase, "It does not seem very +likely"? I said that the depths of Art were unplumbable. True, but Ruby +Binns has at least got lower than most. + +Next week I want to speak of a new man and a new book, Stott Mackenzie +and his _Only a Trailer-Car Conductress_. + + * * * * * + +THE BEAUTIFUL THING. + +You see ugly things in London now-a-days. Oh, yes, but you see beautiful +things as well. I saw one yesterday--one of the beautiful things. + +It was a cold wet evening, not actually raining but very, very nearly. I +stood at the place in Piccadilly where the 'buses stop. There was quite +a little crowd waiting, as there always is at this time of day--women +with parcels, work-girls going home, a few men. All of them looked +tired, and many of them looked cross. + +When a 'bus drew up at the curb all those people made a simultaneous +plunge for it. Before it had finally stopped they were clinging like a +swarm of bees to the steps and rails. It is an arduous game this +'bus-catching, though for those who are young and strong it should +perhaps have a certain attraction, combining as it does the allurement +of a lottery gamble with the charm of a football scrimmage. + +There were only three vacant places, and these, after a desperate +struggle, were secured by two athletic-looking girls and a red-haired +schoolboy. The conductor waved back the disappointed boarders and they +dropped off sulkily. I watched them a moment and then my eyes toward two +soldiers, who were crossing the street. Fine, well-set-up men they were, +and they carried themselves with the indescribable air of those who have +crossed swords with Death and left their opponent, for the time at +least, defeated. One of them had a green shade over his left eye. The +other carried a stick and walked with a slight limp. + +They took up their position a little to the side of the expectant crowd +that was already beginning to sway and jostle at the sight of a fresh +'bus, which had just rounded the corner. Small chance for the +new-comers, however slightly wounded, in such a _melee_, thought I. + +The 'bus came rocking along, reeled to the left, staggered to the right, +and came uncertainly to a shuddering rest beside the pavement. + +And then it was that I saw the Beautiful Thing. + +For of that little crowd, some twenty people in all, not a soul moved. +Not a man, woman or child took so much as a step forward. They looked at +the half-filled 'bus, they looked at the two soldiers, and waited, +motionless. + +Those two had pressed forward briskly enough, but as they mounted the +steps, the man with the green shade giving a helping hand to his +companion, the attitude of the crowd seemed suddenly to strike them. The +lame man glanced over his shoulder, smiled and murmured something to his +friend. His friend turned likewise and stared. He pushed his comrade +through the doorway, turned again, and very solemnly raised his hand to +his cap in salute. A second later he too vanished within the interior of +the 'bus. + +And then the rush began. + + * * * * * + +THE TRUMP CARD. + +_"Gold lace has a charm for the fair."_ + + When William first became a Lieut. + R.N.V.R., in blue and gold, + Belinda smiled upon his suit + (Which formerly had found her cold); + His manly form and honest face, + She really liked them, I believe; + But, most of all, she loved the lace + Upon his sleeve. + + Yet soon a rival courtier came-- + A dashing dapper Lieut. R.N.; + And, as this paragon pressed his claim, + Oh, what could William hope for then? + How could a wobbly-braided swain + Vie with the actual Royal Navy, + Whose stripes were half as broad again + And straight, not wavy? + + Then William swore (ah, Envy, ah!) + "Belinda _shall_ be mine, she SHALL!" + And wrote a note to his papa, + Who'd just been made an Admiral:-- + "Father, now that you'll fly at sea + A two-balled flag in place of pennant, + What do you say to taking me + As flag-lieutenant?" + + When William next waylaid his fair, + He had his glittering "aiglets" on; + Rope upon rope of gold was there, + And now his rival's look was wan; + He tried a bitter sneer, to greet + This "peacock preening in the sun"; + But Miss Belinda thought them "sweet".... + And William won. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE AMERICAN THRILLER. + +THE EXPLOITS OF JEMIMA ANN. 159th EPISODE. + +[Illustration: Jemima Ann, entering her 200 h.p. car, is handed a +missive. Something suspicious in the appearance of the bearer determines +her to take it to her friend, Professor Macpherson, the distinguished +inventor.] + +[Illustration: In the meantime news has been brought to the members of +the Scarlet Skull Gang that Macpherson has invented the most deadly +silent pistol ever constructed. Determined to get the secret of this +weapon, they proceed surreptitiously to his residence, taking with them +an adjustable periscope.] + +[Illustration: Jemima Ann shows Macpherson the missive. While he is +explaining to her the construction of the new pistol she detects the +periscope. Macpherson continues his explanation, but makes a vital +change in the arrangement of the various parts of the weapon.] + +[Illustration: The Scarlet Skull Gang, in their secret armoury, +construct a pistol from the information clandestinely obtained through +the periscope.] + +[Illustration: Macpherson has advised Jemima Ann to keep the appointment +requested in the missive. He accompanies her to the corner, and then +bids her to proceed alone without fear.] + +[Illustration: End of 159th episode. 160th episode to-morrow.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Disgusted Tommy_ (_to prisoner_). "You can't 'elp bein' +a bloomin' Bosch, but yer might blow aht yer chest, or 'old yer 'ead up, +or somethink! Lumme! I'm ashamed to be seen walkin' with yer!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST SOLAR MYTH. + +[Mr. J. H. WILLIS, a Norwich scientist, writing in _The Morning Post_, +condemns the daylight-saving movement on the ground that too much +sunshine is enervating and that life is more virile in Northern +latitudes.] + + Though the daylight-saving measure, which ingenious WILLETT planned + To illume the work and leisure of the toilers of the land, + Has not yet convinced the nation, or unto the mass appealed, + Still without exaggeration it can claim to hold the field. + + But of late a man of science--Mr. WILLIS is his name-- + In a mood of flat defiance bans the daylight-saving game; + And, relentlessly pooh-poohing the delights of sunny days, + Recommends the prompt tabooing of the cult of solar rays. + + All the hardy Northern races are efficient, in his view, + Just because they live in places where the sunlit hours are few, + And, conversely, peoples broiling in the horrid torrid zones + Have no grit or zest for toiling and no marrow in their bones. + + There was once a commentator, if I rightly recollect, + Who, discussing the Equator, treated it with disrespect; + But his temperate impeachment, though it showed a mental twist, + Pales before the drastic preachment of the Norwich scientist. + + Metaphorically speaking, it's a symptom of the Hun + To be always bent on seeking after places in the sun; + But I'd rather choose to follow what my deadliest foes applaud + Than to ostracise Apollo as an enervating fraud. + + No, you don't convince me, WILLIS, with your scientific chat, + And my slangy daughter, Phyllis, says you're talking through your hat; + For, while many drug-concoctors merit death _by sus. per coll._, + I believe the best of doctors is our old friend Doctor Sol. + + Hours recorded on the dial, "hours serene," assuage more ills + Than the lancet or the phial or a wilderness of pills; + And if cranks of anti-solar leanings long for gloom, they should + Emigrate to circumpolar regions and remain for good. + + * * * * * + +Punch's Roll of Honour. + +We record with sincere grief the death of Lieutenant ALEC LEITH +JOHNSTON, who was killed in action on April 22nd during the fight in +which the gallant Shropshires recaptured a trench on the +Ypres-Langemarck Road. Early in the War Mr. JOHNSTON joined the Artists' +Corps and saw service at the Front. Later he received a commission in +the K.S.L.I., and a few months ago was in the list of wounded. He has +for a long time been associated with _Punch_, and during the War has +contributed many articles under the titles "At the Back of the Front" +and "At the Front." His loss will be very keenly felt. + + * * * * * + +WANTED--A ST. PATRICK. + +[Illustration: _St. Augustine Birrell._ "I'M AFRAID I'M NOT SO SMART AS +MY BROTHER-SAINT AT DEALING WITH THIS KIND OF THING. I'M APT TO TAKE +REPTILES TOO LIGHTLY."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, April 25th._--The Government, which has sometimes been accused +of not having sufficient confidence in the House of Commons, has made +ample amends. Information about the Army, too grave to be imparted to +the people who provide the men and the means for maintaining it, is to +be freely given to four or five hundred Members of Parliament (not to +mention a similar number of Peers). + +The PRIME MINISTER opened the Secret Session in one of his briefest +speeches. "Mr. Speaker," he said, "I beg, Sir, to call your attention to +the fact that strangers are present." The historic form of this +advertisement, "I spy strangers;" is briefer still, but inadmissible in +these ticklish times. One does not want to see, in the enemy Press, +"British Prime Minister confesses to spying." + +Then the Press Gallery was cleared, and the Great Inquest of the Nation +became a Vehmgericht. The wretched scribe who should attempt to peer +behind the veil that shrouds its proceedings has been warned in advance +of the unnamed pains and penalties that await him if he should venture +to describe or even "refer to" the proceedings of the Secret Session. I +am unable to say, therefore, whether it is true that the occupants of +the Treasury Bench forthwith donned helmets and gas-masks to protect +themselves from the fiery darts and mephitic vapours launched at them +from above and below the Gangway. + +On these picturesque details the official report, compiled by Mr. +SPEAKER, who is understood to have seized the opportunity offered by his +recent stay at Bath to learn Pitman's shorthand, is unfortunately +silent. + +All we learn from its severely restrained pages is that the PRIME +MINISTER made a long statement about recruiting. From this we gather +that if fifty thousand of the unattested married men do not enlist +before the end of May they will be compelled to do so; and that +altogether the Government will insist on getting 200,000 men from this +source. The German General Staff will be surprised to learn that our +requirements are so modest, and will wonder, as we do, what all the +pother is about. + +Perhaps Mr. LOWTHER did not take notes of the other speeches that were +delivered. At any rate he gives us no indication of their drift. All we +know is that in the course of some seven hours no fewer than sixteen +Members addressed the House. From this it may be inferred that the +absence of reporters has at least the negative advantage of conducing to +brevity of utterance. May we also infer that the speaking was as plain +as it was brief, and that for the time being the Palace of Westminster +has become the Palace of Truth? + +[Illustration: Unique sketch by _Punch_ artist (concealed in clock +opposite), showing how the last reporter was detected in the Press +Gallery by the aid of a giant periscope.] + +_Wednesday, April 26th._--So far as we are permitted to know what took +place--for the House of Commons had another Secret Session--in both +Houses it was Ireland, Ireland all the way. The Commons began by +granting a return relating to Irish Lunacy accounts, and then by an easy +transition passed to the report of the Sinn Fein rebellion in Dublin. + +Colonel SHARMAN-CRAWFORD, who bears a name that all Ireland has solid +reason to respect, desiring to return to his native country, asked Mr. +BIRRELL what routes, if any, were open. Mr. BIRRELL did not know, but +intimated genially that he might be able to take absence of over the +gallant Colonel under his own protecting wing. The House appeared to +find humour in the idea of the CHIEF SECRETARY returning to his post, +and an Hon. Member inquired why he had ever left it. + +The PRIME MINISTER gave a brief and, so far as it went, rosy-coloured +report of the situation in Dublin. Some Nationalist Volunteers were +helping the Government. The forces of the Crown were to be further +strengthened by a party of American journalists, armed to the teeth with +quick-firing pencils, who were going over to deal with "this most recent +German campaign." + +This may have reminded Mr. ASQUITH that there were British journalists +in the Press Gallery. The DEPUTY SPEAKER'S attention having been called +to this fact, the House voted for their expulsion, and again passed into +Secret Session. + +The Lords were again in Open Session, to the regret, perhaps, of the +Government representatives, who heard some very plain speaking from Lord +MIDDLETON. According to his information the rebels were still in +possession of important parts of Dublin. The Government had been warned +on Sunday last that an outbreak was imminent, but had nevertheless +allowed many officers to go on leave, while others were permitted to +assist at the races on Monday. + +_Thursday, April 21th._--Mr. GINNELL does not believe in the supineness +of the Irish Executive. His information is that quite a long time ago it +had resolved to place Dublin in a state of siege, to imprison Archbishop +WALSH and the LORD MAYOR in their respective official residences, and to +arrest the leaders of sundry Nationalist associations. Mr. T. W. +RUSSELL, as spokesman for the ruthless Mr. BIRRELL, denied emphatically +that these drastic steps had been contemplated. + +The PRIME MINISTER subsequently announced that the situation still had +"serious features." This mild phrase covers the continued possession by +the rebels of important parts of Dublin, the prevalence of street +fighting, and the spread of the insurrection to the wild West. Martial +law had been proclaimed all over the country; Sir JOHN MAXWELL had been +sent over in supreme command, and the Irish Government had been placed +under his orders--the last part of this announcement being greeted with +especially loud cheers. + +Sir EDWARD CARSON and Mr. JOHN REDMOND joined in expressing horror of +this rebellion and hoped that the Press would not make it an excuse for +reviving political dissension on Irish matters--a sufficient rebuke to +_The Westminster Gazette_ and _The Star_, both of which by a curious +coincidence had found the moment auspicious for preaching from the text +of the old tag, "There but for the grace of God," etc. + +Sir H. DALZIEL attempted to secure an immediate debate upon the Irish +trouble. But the eminent Privy Councillor found little support in the +House, and was first knocked down by the DEPUTY-SPEAKER and then +trampled upon by Mr. ASQUITH. + +If the Secret Sessions were intended to make smooth the way of the +Military Service Bill they failed miserably in their object. Mr. LONG, +to whom was entrusted the task of introducing it, felt his position +acutely. Only when explaining that one of the principal objects of the +Bill was to extend the service of time-expired soldiers for the duration +of the War did he wax at all eloquent, and then it was in lauding the +chivalry of these men and in expressing his extreme distaste for the +task of coercing them. The whole speech justified the poet's remark that +"long petitions spoil the cause they plead." + +Not a voice was heard in favour of the measure. Sir EDWARD CARSON damned +it for not going far enough, and Mr. LEIF JONES because it went too far; +and Mr. STEPHEN WALSH, as representative of the miners, who have given +so much of their blood to the country's cause, bluntly demanded that the +House should reject this Bill "and insist on the straight thing." + +Mr. ASQUITH, recalled to the House by his agitated colleague, recognised +that his old Parliamentary hand had got into a hornet's nest, and +promptly withdrew it. To the best of my recollection this is the first +time on record that a Government measure has perished before its first +reading. Conceived in secrecy and delivered in pain, its epitaph will be +that of another unhappy infant:-- + + "If I was to be so soon done for + I wonder what I was began for." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ingenuous Maiden (on being told she is expected to milk +the cow_). "Oh, Mum, I dursn't without a soldier held her head."] + + * * * * * + + "The Austrians thrice attempted to rush the Italian positions on + the Upper Isonzo, but were repulsed with heavy lasses." + + _Times of Ceylon._ + +Stout girls, these _contadine_. + + * * * * * + + "Recently I have seen several German planes so high as to be + mere specks, and of the many I have seen none has been lower, I + should say, than ,000 ft."--_Morning Paper._ + +A cautious statement, and probably true. + + * * * * * + + "We are glad to learn that the daughter of our popular banker + was married on the 10th instant, over 1000 persons were invited + and sumpfedtuously."--_Indian Paper._ + +We infer that the compositor was among them. + + * * * * * + + "In his defence Mr. ---- said he had endeavoured to fake the + point that the onus of proving he was under the Military Service + Act was upon the prosecution." + + _Bayswater Chronicle._ + +If not a conscientious he seems to have been at least a candid objector. + + * * * * * + +"THE BIRTH OF A FLUENCE." + +In consequence of the new tax on imported films the Cinema industry in +England has received a new fillip, and a wave of enterprise is passing +over the studios. In place of the familiar--almost too familiar-- +American dramas we are to have English. No more of those square-jawed +stern American business men at their desks, with the telephone ever in +their hands and instantaneous replies to every call. No more police +officers, also at their desks, giving orders like lightning and having +them understood and acted upon as quickly. No more crooks clambering +over the roofs of an express train. No more motor-car pursuits. No more +Indians, no more cowboys, no more heroines in top boots. + +And what is there to be instead? Not--I hear you cry appealingly--not +panoramas of Zurich or Cape Town? No, not those devastating views of +scenery, but home-made films "featuring" English performers, with an eye +not only to entertainment but instruction. That is the new movie note. +And for a start a wonderful picture has just been completed, under the +title "The Birth of a Fluence," taking the Cinema-goers (as they are +called) behind the scenes of a London daily paper. + +Not a real paper, of course, for that would be telling too much, but an +absolutely imaginary paper, yet like enough in many respects to a real +paper to afford to the imaginative spectator an idea of how such +marvellous sheets are put together. + +No expense has been spared to get an air of verisimilitude into these +pictures, at a private view of which we were permitted to be present. + +Let us give a rough sketch of the film, which is some mile and a half +long, or as far, say, as from the House of Lords to Printing House +Square. But first we must remark that the unseen force which agitates +all the documents and blinds of the various rooms shown is not due, as +it usually is, to the circumstance that the pictures were taken in the +open air, during a gale, but it symbolises the power of the Proprietor +of the paper, who can by a breath make or unmake Governments. + +The first picture shows the arrival of the Editor, a man of desperate +mien, dark as a thunder cloud, ready to be affrighted by nothing, with +instant disapproval of whatever he disapproves breaking through his +alert, intellectual features. To him, stern patriot as he is, it is +nothing that men do well. He is there, vigilant and implacable, to +pounce swiftly and mercilessly on derelictions of duty. No one knows so +well as he what is possible to a Minister and his Department and what +not. They themselves, the Minister and his Department, are totally +uninstructed in the matter. Truly a remarkable man. + +The Editor opens his letters; touches bells, speaks through telephones, +and generally proves himself to be more than a man, a Force. Imaginary +as is the whole affair, no one seeing this film can ever open a morning +paper again without a thrill, a foreboding. + +Next we are shown the Proprietor leaving his private house by aeroplane +to visit the office. We see him first alighting on the roof and then +entering his private room by a secret door, from a secret staircase. +Having removed his slouch hat and cloak and laid aside his dark lantern, +he is revealed as a man of destiny indeed. + +We see the mottoes on the walls of the room, such as "Always change +horses in midstream"; "Always wash dirty linen in public"; "Any stick is +good enough to beat a dog with"; "If you throw enough mud some will +stick"; "Damn the consequences"; "Disunion is strength"; "After me the +Deluge," and so forth. + +Then the Proprietor begins to get busy. He too touches bells, and +various assistants rush to his presence. The first is the Editor, and we +watch the progress of a fateful interview, which is made the more +understandable by legends shown on the screen. Thus, after a long course +of lip-moving and chin-wagging on the part of the Proprietor, we read +the helpful words:-- + + "The Twenty-three must go." + +Then the Editor's lips move and his chin rides up and down and we read +the words:-- + + "But suppose the old man is too clever?" + +And so the epoch-making talk goes on and others are summoned to take +part in it. + +Next, as a guide to the paper's enterprise we are admitted to a meeting +of the Cabinet, and are assisted, at last to unravel the mystery as to +which Minister it is who gives away the secrets of that assembly, for we +watch him in his various disguises on his way to the dark cellar where +he meets the political representative of the paper, makes his report and +receives the promise of his future reward. It is, we feel confident, +this particular section of the film which will secure for it an amazing +popularity, though all reference in the Press to Cabinet proceedings has +now been made illegal for the duration of the War. + +"The Birth of a Fluence," it will be seen, does not confine its energies +to the office of the paper. So thorough is the scheme that various +pictures have been taken--always, of course, at the usual enormous +expense--at even distant places, where its activities, or the result of +them, can be studied. For example, we are shown a section of the Front +and the delight of the English soldier as he unfolds the paper and +discovers that his country is still being goaded towards that healthy +disintegration which must necessarily accelerate our victory. And we are +even shown one of the paper's defeated candidates seeking the +railway-station after the election; for it is notorious that, vast as +are the paper's other influences, it is often unable to persuade an +electorate to follow it. + +The last picture, which also should be of particular interest to the +public as proving how sacred the Fourth Estate holds the duty of +providing it with accurate reports, shows the whole of the building +draped with the habiliments of woe and the staff in deep mourning on +learning that the secrecy of the secret session is to be callously and +rigorously enforced by the Government. And in this state of prostration +the _personnel_ is left. So ends one of the most enthralling films that +this country has yet invented. + +"The Birth of a Fluence" would, of course, be more instructive still +were there any paper that at all corresponded to the fantastic and +incredible organ here illustrated. But of course a sheet that during the +progress of an anxious war so consistently belittled its country and +aspersed its rulers would be impossible. Still, enough verisimilitude +remains to make an amusing half-hour. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Conscientious married M.P. (WHO UNFORTUNATELY TALKS IN +HIS SLEEP) GAGGING HIMSELF BEFORE RETIRING TO BED AFTER SECRET SESSION.] + + * * * * * + +NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN. + +IX.--The Poultry and the Borough. + + The Fox ran to London + Starving for his dinner; + There he met the Weasel + Looking even thinner. + + The Weasel said to Reynard, + "What shall be our pickin's?" + Said Reynard to the Weasel, + "Rabbits and Spring Chickens." + + Then they went a-hunting, + And they did it very thorough, + The Fox in the Poultry + And the Weasel in the Borough. + +X.--Wormwood Scrubbs. + + Wormwood scrubs, Wormwood scrubs + Windows, walls, and floors, + Pots and pans and pickle-tubs, + Tables, chairs and doors; + Wormwood scrubs the public seats + And the City Halls; + Wormwood scrubs the London streets, + Wormwood scrubs Saint Paul's; + Wormwood scrubs on her hands and knees, + But oh, it's plainly seen, + Though she use a ton of elbow-grease + She'll _never_ get it clean! + + * * * * * + +A TRUE PESSIMIST. + +[Illustration: _Shaun._ "'Tis a German!" + +_Mike._ "Glory be! How can ye tell that?" + +_Shaun._ "I cannot tell ut. 'Tis a guess."] + + * * * * * + +THE LOAN. + +It was past ten o'clock and the maid was, or should have been, asleep, +so when there came a knock at the front-door Bertha got up to answer it +herself. + +"Whoever can it be at this time of night?" I said. + +"It's Evelyn come to borrow again," said Bertha. "I know her knock." + +"Don't always look on the dark side of things," I counselled; "be an +optimist like me. Now I have a feeling that she has come to pay back +what they borrowed last week." + +A minute later Bertha returned. "I knew it," she said; "it is as I +feared. Jack has sent her over to borrow three more." + +"Three more!" I gasped; "but it's preposterous. They borrowed five only +last Monday and they'll never pay them back, of course. What did you say +to her?" + +"I said I couldn't manage it myself, but I would ask you." + +"I suppose we shall have to do it," I said, crossing over to the bureau +and unlocking it. + +"Haven't you got any on you?" asked Bertha. + +"Only one; I never carry more than that in case I might get my pockets +picked. It's a bit thick," I continued, "we economise and deny ourselves +in all kinds of ways and then that spend-thrift comes--or, rather, sends +his wife--and borrows all our hard-earned savings." + +From a secret drawer in the bureau I drew forth a small box that I +opened with fingers that trembled like _Gaspard's_. + +Bertha joined me and, side by side, we stood gazing at the contents in a +hush that was akin to worship. + +"Well," said I, at last breaking the silence, "here you are, and for +goodness' sake tell her not to waste them!" and into my wife's +outstretched hand I carefully counted out--three matches. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"The Mayor of Troy." + +The admirable "Q" has shot his arrow into the gold so often and carried +off so mountainous a load of trophies that he can see with equanimity +his last shot signalled an outer--even a miss. The signaller must needs +be more dismayed than he. "Q" is also too honest and perceptive a critic +not to see the weak points of _The Mayor of Troy_ as a stage play, +though he may fairly plume himself on the pleasant (and unpleasant) folk +of his creation who partly came to life on the opening night at the +Haymarket. He will have found out and noted for an appendix to those +lively and instructive discourses of his _On the Art of Writing_ that it +is a jolly difficult thing to write a play; that an act is not a chapter +of a novel, still less a _compote_ of bits of many chapters; that, while +to be charmingly discursive is a paramount quality of the higher type of +novelist, the same attribute in a play, whose very breath of life is +essential brevity, makes it appear to go on crutches, like his own +discomfited hero. It bemuses an audience and gravels the players--as the +queer uncertainty of touch of so skilful, so conscientious an actor as +Mr. AINLEY sufficiently betrayed. But to the story. + +[Illustration: CURED OF OBESITY IN TEN YEARS. + +_The Mayor of Troy (Mr. Henry Ainley) before and after prison diet._] + +Portly and pompous _Major Solomon Hymen Toogood_ (Mr. AINLEY), wealthy +citizen of Troy Town, and, in the perilous year of grace 1804, for the +seventh time its Mayor; Justice of the Peace, in command of the battery +of _Diehards_ which himself had raised, spoilt by the worship of the +women and the tractability (with reservations) of the men, has reason to +be mightily pleased with himself; and very distinctly is. On this +pleasant day on which the play opens he has written a proposal of +marriage to a lady whose heart, unhappily, is already given to his +Deputy in civic office and Second in Command of the battery, Dr. +_Dillworthy_ (Mr. LEON QUARTERMAINE). Meanwhile a little smuggling +expedition, which he had planned under cover of his military authority +(Sir ARTHUR does not quite put it like that), turns into a genuine +fight, and our Mayor is carried off prisoner to France. + +At the peace of 1814 he returns thin and lame to find that the lady of +his choice has long married the man of hers (and why not?), and that the +two, with their children, are installed in his house; _Dillworthy_ no +longer Deputy but reigning Mayor. Nobody recognises the famous +_Toogood_, which is entirely "Q's" fault, not theirs; and nobody, except +a pretty maid who is to marry his nephew (his own money has made the +match possible), seems to worry overmuch (_absit omen_!) about returned +prisoners of war. He reveals himself to nobody but his villain brother +_William_ (Mr. AYRTON). That fatuous revenue officer, _Lomax_ (Mr. +MALLESON), has written a fulsomely flattering life of him at which his +gorge rises. Everybody, apart from opening a hospital in his memory (in +a bed of which he eventually finds himself), seems to be going about his +or her business much as usual (yet what else could they do?). He +extracts a character of himself from his faithful old servant and finds +it not so flattering as he would have liked. Seems, in fact, determined +to have his grievance. Well, then, he will buy a dog. And he will take +the road with his pal the comic sailor and shake the dust of fickle Troy +from off his feet. + +But I protest that this is all very unfair to the Trojans. As soon as he +gave them their chance they took it decently enough, so much so that all +ended happily in what must have been a most uncomfortable dance on the +sharp fragments of the _Toogood_ bust which the disgruntled original had +smashed with his crutch. + +Of course poor _William_ very naturally resented this extraordinarily +inconsiderate return from the dead of a long and well-lost brother, +several thousand of whose pounds he had misappropriated. As for _Lomax_, +could he by any stretch of the imagination within the frame of this +picture have tried to bribe the Mayor to go away just to save his +infernal biography from being wasted? You simply can't have a convincing +colloquy on these lines between the tragic figure of the disillusioned +and embittered hero and this farcical jackanapes. + +And I think it was just this sort of lack of conviction that flattened +the actors. Mr. HENRY AINLEY had his moments, but he's not a man of +moments. He's about our best _whole-hogger_. Mr. LEON QUARTERMAINE'S +easy skill was, as it always is, a very pleasant thing to watch. Mr. DE +LANGE gave an animated little sketch of a droll French spy. Mr. MILES +MALLESON shouldn't let his sense of character and his undoubted talent +for business lead him into that capital sin of taking more than his +share of the stage. Mr. HENDRIE as the sailor, _Ben Chope_, gave us +another of those amusing grotesques of his; and Miss CLAIRE GREET put in +a clever paragraph as _Mrs. Chope_. Mr. FREDERICK GROVES was an +excellent gruff servant; Miss PEGGY RUSH a pretty bride; Mr. GERALD +MCCARTHY a plausible lover; Miss BRUCE-POTTER a becomingly subdued and +adoring Georgian doctor's wife. Mr. LYALL SWETE played competently a +poisonous ass of a vicar, and was responsible for the production, which +was admirable. + +T. + + * * * * * + +A Ranker. + +Extract from Battalion Orders:-- + + "The horse and cab of the Headquarters attached to the ---- + Regt., A. Coy., for forage and accommodation." + + * * * * * + + "In the Ascot Double Handicap Hurdle Race, after an objection to + Early Berry for jumping, the race was awarded to Marita." + + _Sporting Paper._ + +Marita, presumably, crawled under the hurdles like a little lady. + + * * * * * + + "In spite of all traditions about the British love of a tub, we + rarely are acquainted with the proper use of soap and water.... + And thus we lay ourselves under Browning's reproach of 'You very + imperfect ablutionist!'" + + _British Weekly._ + +Browning may have written this; but we prefer GILBERT'S version:-- + + "You very imperfect ablutioner." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Macpherson (who, having lost half-a-crown in the Strand +and reported the loss overnight at Scotland Yard, on returning next day +to resume his search finds the road up)._ "Losh me--thae Londoners are +awfu' thorough!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I would heartily commend to all good English women and men _The Book of +Italy_ (UNWIN), first because it will help the families of those +Italians who have left England to join their ships and regiments and +will make possible the works of mercy of the Italian Red Cross, and +secondly because it is in itself an admirable book--the most +distinguished, I think, of any of its kind published here during the +War. It tells us something of the great Italian creators and liberators, +DANTE, LEONARDO, MICHELANGELO, MAZZINI, GARIBALDI, CAVOUR--too little +perhaps of MAZZINI, than whom no movement for liberty ever had a nobler +or a saner prophet. Of the good things, besides the contributions of +distinguished Italians (a particularly interesting note on the Italian +Red Cross by Signor GALANTE claims a Neapolitan, FERDINANDO PALASCIANO, +as the pioneer, in 1848, of the Red Cross idea), let me specially +commend the spirited introduction of Lord BRYCE, the eloquent letter of +SABATIER, the memories of FREDERIC HARRISON, the quiet wisdom of +CLUTTON-BROCK, the learning (decently veiled for normal eyes) of FRAZER, +of _The Golden Bough_; the inspired prejudices, fringed with epigram, of +G. K. C. A mere catalogue of a few of the well-known writers +represented, of SYMONS, GALSWORTHY, GILBERT MURRAY, BAGOT, HICHIENS, +BARRY BAIN, PHILLPOTTS; and of artists such as BRANGWYN, SARGENT, +SHANNON, JOHN, LAVERY, RICHMOND, POYNTER, FRAMPTON, RICKETTS, ANNING +BELL, CAYLEY ROBINSON, makes its best testimonial. England has never +been other than the friend of modern Italy, for the Triple Alliance was +merely a freak of desperate diplomacy and was broken by the popular will +when Germany (be it remembered) was giving fair promise of ultimate +victory. We don't need conversion to the cause of Italy, but everything +that helps to foster and develop the comradeship of the now +_Risorgimento_ of the Allied Nations is welcome. And _The Book of Italy_ +will serve this purpose excellently well. + + * * * * * + +More than once before now I have commented upon that almost unique gift +that Mr. JACK LONDON has of transferring physical energy to fiction. His +characters must always be about some sinew-straining business that makes +the reader ache in sympathy. However in _The Little Lady of the Big +House_ (MILLS AND BOON) the author seems to have allowed himself and his +creations an unwonted holiday. Here is no fierce struggle for existence, +but the fruits of it upon a millionaire ranche in California. _Dick +Forrest_ was the millionaire, by heritage and his own success; a great +farmer and a breeder of shires. He had a wife, the _Little Lady_ of the +title, and a Big House that was one of the most eligible dwellings in +fiction. A plain recital of the arrangements ("tweaks" we should have +called them at school) in _Dick's_ open-air bedroom makes the ordinary +home look like ten cents. Mr. LONDON certainly knows how to luxuriate +when he gives his mind to it. Moreover there was a wonderful +swimming-bath, with a concealed submarine chamber in which the _Little +Lady_ used to hide for the terror of uninstructed guests (she was rather +that kind of person), and a great music-room for her to play +RACHMANINOFF in and flirt with the Other Man. This is all the tale. +Eventually the flirtation becomes serious and the _Little Lady_ is +driven to suicide, with a death scene of rather unconvincing sentiment. +The fact is, I am afraid, that Capuan ease does not altogether suit the +super-strenuous beings whom Mr. JACK LONDON designs. They are too +energetic for it, and, lacking an outlet, tend to become melodramatic. I +hope that next time he will take us back to the muscle-grinding. + + * * * * * + +When the War broke out Mr. F. W. WILE, an American gentleman, was living +in Berlin as the correspondent of _The Daily Mail_. Having read his +book, _The Assault_ (HEINEMANN), I may say that I judge him to be +singularly alert and wide-awake and admirably fitted for the position he +occupied. He has no scintilla of hatred or animosity for the German +people as individuals, but he wishes to see Germany beaten. "I wish her +beaten," he says, "for the Allies' sake and for my own country's sake. A +victorious Germany would be a menace to international liberty and become +automatically a threat to the happiness and freedom of the United +States." He saw the furious transports of patriotism and hatred to which +the Berlin mob gave way; he witnessed the brutal attack on the British +Embassy, and he was himself denounced as an English spy, was arrested +and was lodged in jail, whence he was rescued only by the direct +interposition of the American Ambassador. All these incidents he relates +in a very vivid way and with a certain dry humour that adds to the +effect. His description of the manner in which, on his way to prison in +a taxi with two German policemen, he managed to destroy a telegraph code +which was in his breast pocket, is positively thrilling. Had it been +discovered on him, nothing, he thinks, would have availed to save him, +so delirious were his captors with rage and suspicion. Certainly a +delightful people. Finally he was allowed to leave Berlin and travel to +England as a member of Sir EDWARD GOSCHEN'S party. In the later portion +of this book Mr. WILE castigates us, not too unkindly, but, perhaps, a +little too insistently, for not being ready, for not realising what war +means and for being self-complacent. Since his criticisms are based on +affection for us we can make an effort to kiss the rod, especially as he +discerns signs of improvement in us. Incidentally I may add that he is, +perhaps, not altogether fair to Lord HALDANE, but, _per contra_, he +gives Lord NORTHCLIFFE a high testimonial to character and behaviour. + + * * * * * + +_Cordelia_ (MELROSE) is a story as agreeable as its name, or as the +pretty, if rather chocolate-box-school, picture on its wrapper. One +small defect I find in the dissipation of its interest. Beginning with +one hero, it goes on with another; and the result is some confusion for +the reader who has backed the wrong horse. But Mr. E. M. SMITH-DAMPIER +might very justly retort that this is but fidelity to life. When in the +early chapters we see the first hero turned from home by an +unsympathetic parent, and faring forth to seek romance in a new world, +it was surely reasonable to suppose that he would eventually be rewarded +by the pretty lady of the wrapper, especially as _Savile Brand_ (though +his name inevitably suggests tobacco) is a character drawn with +understanding and skill. But Mr. SMITH-DAMPIER is good at lovers. He has +another, even better, up his sleeve. This is _Peter_, the forty-year-old +American cousin, who cherishes a tender regard for _Mistress Cordelia_. +I should explain that all this happened in the time of powder, lace +coats, and witches. This last is important. Those were the days when +_Cherchez la sorciere_ was the unfailing remedy in New England for every +ill, material or emotional. It is from this, coupled with the mistaken +jealousy of her sister, that _Cordelia's_ troubles come, and so nearly +turn her story to tragedy. The main motive may remind you a little of +that grim play of witchcraft that we saw at the St. James's Theatre some +years ago. But fortunately the end is more comfortable. _Cordelia_, in +short, is a nicely-flavoured romance of old America, with at least three +unusually well-drawn characters to give it substance. I have no doubt at +all of its success. + + * * * * * + +OUR ECONOMISTS. + +[Illustration: _Customer._ "I've called about the cough mixture I +bought. The first dose cured me." + +_Chemist._ "The instantaneous effect of that preparation, Sir, has been +remarked by everybody." + +_Customer._ "it's amazing; and, as there's only one dose gone, I thought +perhaps you'd change what was left for some photographic plates."] + + * * * * * + +LADY POORE'S _Recollections of an Admiral's Wife_ (SMITH, ELDER) is as +excellent a book of its kind as readers of _Punch_ are likely to find +reviewed in a month of Wednesdays. Scrapbooks of reminiscences are so +often dumped upon a surfeited world that it is at once a pleasure and a +duty to draw attention to a volume of real worth and significance. +Wherever LADY POORE was living--whether in Australia before the War or +in Chatham after August, 1915--her main object was to arrive at a +sympathetic understanding of the people with whom she had to deal, and, +without a hint of patronage, to be of service to them. It is impossible +to read of the work she did and helped to do during the last dozen years +or so without recognising how possible it is to be official and still +remain very human. In spite of little outbursts of opinion which refuse +to be suppressed, Lady POORE is as discreet as the most censorious of +censors could desire. One of her anecdotes--for the most part well told +and fresh--is as funny a tale as I have I ever encountered; but I will +leave you to find it for yourself. Altogether a book to thank the gods +for. + + * * * * * + + "On the way to Berea, Mr. Lloyd George met the Rector of the + parish, and both cordially shook hands."--_Scotsman._ + +Are we to infer that as a rule, when these two gentlemen meet, only one +of them shakes hands? + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +150, MAY 3, 1916*** + + +******* This file should be named 22941.txt or 22941.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/4/22941 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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