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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+April 15, 1914, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, April 15, 1914
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: October 10, 2007  [eBook #22940]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 146, APRIL 15, 1914***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Janet Blenkinship, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22940-h.htm or 22940-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/4/22940/22940-h/22940-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/4/22940/22940-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 146
+
+APRIL 15, 1914
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+Reuter telegraphs from Melbourne that the Commonwealth building in
+London is to be called "Australia House." This should dispose
+effectively of the rumour that it was to be called "Canada House."
+
+* * *
+
+"The Song of the Breakers," which is being advertised, is not, we are
+told, a war song for the Suffragettes.
+
+* * *
+
+Some of the Press reported a recent happy event under the following
+heading:--
+
+"WEDDING OF MRS. PATRICK CAMPBELL."
+
+Mr. GEORGE CORNWALLIS WEST would like it to be known that it was also
+his wedding.
+
+* * *
+
+It was rumoured one day last week that a certain officer famous for his
+picturesque language was about to receive a new appointment as
+Director-General of Expletives.
+
+* * *
+
+"GOLD-PLATED TYPEWRITER,"
+
+announces _The Mail_. We are sorry for the poor girl. Mr. GRANVILLE
+BARKER, of course, started the idea with his gilded fairies.
+
+* * *
+
+Miss MABEL ROGERS, we read, is bringing a suit against certain other
+girl students of Pardue University, Indiana, for "ragging" her by
+tearing off her clothes. It seems to us that it is the defendants who
+ought to bring the suit.
+
+* * *
+
+"Twelve small farmers," we are told, "were on Saturday sent for trial at
+Ballygar, County Galway, on a charge of cattle-driving." Their size
+should not excuse them.
+
+* * *
+
+One evening last week, _The Daily Mail_ tells us, the electric light
+failed in several districts of Tooting and Mitcham. "A resident in
+Garden Avenue," says our contemporary, "had invited about a dozen
+friends to a card party. The host secured a supply of candles, in the
+dim light of which the party played." It is good to know that in this
+prosaic age and in this prosaic London of ours it is still possible to
+have stirring adventures worth recording in the country's annals.
+
+* * *
+
+The power of the motor! "At the request of the Car," says _The
+Westminster Gazette_, "M. POINCARE will leave on his visit to Russia,
+after the national fetes on July 14."
+
+* * *
+
+A couple of pictures by unknown artists fetched as much as L2,625 and
+L1,837 at CHRISTIE'S last week, and we hear that some of our less
+notable painters have been greatly encouraged by this boom in obscurity.
+
+* * *
+
+"This Machine," says an advertisement of a motor cycle, "Gets You
+Out-of-Doors--and Keeps You There." Frankly, we prefer the sort that
+Gets You Home Again.
+
+* * *
+
+The PREMIER, who was said to have "run away" to Fife, after all had a
+"walk over."
+
+* * *
+
+"The Elizabethan spirit," says a _laudator temporis acti_, "is dead
+among us." We beg to challenge this statement. When the Armada was
+sighted DRAKE went on with his game of bowls. To-day, in similar
+circumstances, we are confident that thousands of Englishmen would
+refuse to leave their game of golf.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAPTIVE GOLF.
+
+DEFAULTING GOLF-CLUB OFFICIAL TRYING TO IMPART A LITTLE INTEREST TO THE
+DAILY ROUND.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROFESSIONAL ANACHRONISM.
+
+Mrs. Andrew Fitzpatrick, who looped the loop last Friday at Hendon with
+her son Hector, is certainly one of the youngest-looking women in the
+world of her age--for she is put down in black and white as forty-four
+in more than one book of reference. Her miraculous _Lady Macbeth_, which
+she impersonated at the age of seven, is still a happy memory to many
+middle-aged playgoers, though the miracle was eclipsed by the nine days'
+wonder of her elopement and marriage to Mr. Fitzpatrick, the famous
+Ballarat millionaire, on her thirteenth birthday. Her daughter Gemma,
+who made her _debut_ in Grand Opera at the Scala in 1895, is already a
+grandmother; and her son Hector, who fought in the Russo-Turkish war of
+1878, is the youngest Field-Marshal in the British Army.
+
+M. Atichewsky, the famous Russian pianist, who gives his first recital
+in the Bluethstein Hall next Wednesday, is no stranger to London
+audiences, though he is only just twenty years of age. In the year of
+QUEEN VICTORIA'S Diamond Jubilee he visited England as a _Wunderkind_,
+being then only thirteen years of age, and created a _furore_ by his
+precocious virtuosity. About eleven years later, while he was still in
+his teens, he appeared at the Philharmonic Concerts with his second
+wife, a soprano singer of remarkable attainments. The present Madame
+Atichewsky, it should be noted, has a wonderful contralto voice, which
+is inherited by her second daughter, Ladoga, who recently made her
+_debut_ at the Theatre de la Monnaie, in Brussels.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Poetry of the Ring.
+
+For two pugilists, shaking hands before the knock-out fight begins:--
+
+  "Ere we rush, ere we extinguish sight and speech
+      Each on each."
+
+  _BROWNING, "Love among the Ruins."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It is interesting to learn that the swans on the lower lake have
+     built a nest and that one of the pairs on the upper lake have
+     followed suit, so that there is some possibility of signets on the
+     lakes presently."
+
+     _Beckenham Journal._
+
+
+We shall be glad to see these freshwater seals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE UNION OF IRISH HEARTS.
+
+(_How the prospect strikes an Englishman._)
+
+     ["In ancient times ... the Devlins were the hereditary horseboys of
+     the O'Neills. (Loud laughter.)"--_From the "Times'" report of Mr.
+     TIMOTHY HEALY'S speech in the House._]
+
+    I love to fancy, howsoe'er remote
+      The fiery dawn of that millennial future,
+    That some fine day the rent in Ireland's coat
+      Will be adjusted with a saving suture,
+          And one fair rule suffice
+        For lamb and lion, babe and cockatrice.
+
+    In her potential Kings I clearly trace
+      Ground for this hope; no bickering there, no jostling;
+    If HEALY cares to hint that DEVLIN'S race
+      Subsisted by hereditary ostling,
+          That's just the family fun
+        Brothers can well afford whose hearts are one.
+
+    No less the picture of O'BRIEN'S fist
+      Clenched playfully beneath a colleague's nose-piece
+    Lets me foresee--a sanguine optimist--
+      That Union which shall bring to ancient foes peace,
+          When all who lap the Boyne
+        Beg on their knees to be allowed to join.
+
+    Still (to be frank) 'tis not alone the dream
+      Of leagued Hibernians kissing lips with Ulster
+    That warms my heart; there is another scheme
+      That with a livelier motion makes my pulse stir;
+          And this can never be
+        Till we have posted REDMOND oversea.
+
+    But, when he's planted on his local throne,
+      The Federal Plan should find him far less sniffy;
+    We shall have Parliaments to call our own
+      Modelled from that high sample on the Liffey,
+          And crown the patient years
+        With joy of "England for the English" (_Cheers_).
+
+    Meanwhile, amid the present rude hotch-potch,
+      We natives must forgo this satisfaction,
+    For still the cry is "England for the Scotch"
+      (Or else some other tribe of Celt extraction);
+          That's why I shan't be happy
+        Till Erin's tedious Isle is off the tapis.
+
+                                             O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOMB.
+
+I was rather glad to spend my eighteenth birthday in Germany, because I
+knew my people would make a special effort in the matter of presents.
+They did, and I turned the other girls at the _pension_ green with envy
+when I wore them. The only thing that spoilt my day was that there was
+nothing at all from Cecil, which was rather a blow.
+
+However, the next morning I received an official document referring to a
+parcel waiting for me at the Customs House, and lost no time in getting
+there.
+
+It was a long, low building, strewn with packing cases, cardboard boxes
+and dirt, with a row of pigeon-holes--some big enough to take an
+ostrich--on one side, and a counter defending a row of haughty officials
+on the other. Several people were wandering aimlessly about, but no one
+took the least notice of me, or appeared to realize I was in my
+nineteenth year. So I approached an official in a green uniform with
+brass buttons, standing behind the counter. He was tall and stout, and
+his hair, being about one millimetre long, showed his head shining
+through. He had a fierce fair moustache, and, owing to overwork or
+influenza coming on, was perspiring freely.
+
+Trusting he would prove more fatherly than he looked, I held out my
+paper. He drew back haughtily, ejaculating: "_Nein!_" and jerked his
+head towards a kind of letter-box on the counter. I pushed my paper in
+the slot, hoping the etiquette of the thing was all right now; and, as
+apparently it was, in his own good time he took the paper from the back
+of the box, looked at it, glanced sternly at me, looked at the paper
+again, and said severely:
+
+"_Vee--ta--hay--ad?_"
+
+I didn't know what he was driving at till I remembered my name was
+Whitehead. So I replied, "_Ja_," thinking his pronunciation not bad for
+the first shot. He turned to a pigeon-hole and laid a small square
+parcel on the counter addressed to me in Cecil's scrawl. I held out my
+hand, but he ignored it, and, picking up a fearsome-looking instrument
+consisting of blades, hooks and points--which turned out to be the
+official cutter--severed the silly little bit of string, unwrapped the
+paper and disclosed a white wooden box with a sliding lid.
+
+I bent forward, but he glared at me and moved it further away, slid back
+the lid, removed some shavings and looked inside. His official manner
+underwent a change; such a look of sudden human interest showed on his
+fat clammy face that I thought he must have found some quite new kind of
+sausage. But instead he drew out very gingerly a curious square black
+box with a sloping front, two round holes at one side, and a handle at
+the other. He put it down on the counter and glared at me.
+
+"_Was ist das?_" he demanded.
+
+"_Ich weiss nicht_," I replied, shaking my head.
+
+It was clear he didn't believe me, and he kept it out of my reach,
+turning it carefully about, and in response to a jerk of his chin two or
+three of his colleagues came up and glared, first, at me, and than at
+the suspicious object. However, he would not let them touch it, but,
+squaring his chin and taking a deep breath, he turned the handle.
+
+There was a faint ticking noise, but nothing happened, and I suggested
+timidly that he should look through the peep-holes and see what was
+going on inside. He frowned at my interference, but taking my advice all
+the same, raised the box nearer his fierce eye and turned the handle
+once more and with greater force. Instantly there was a loud whirr, and
+a bright green trick-serpent leapt through the lid, caught him full on
+the nose and sent him back sprawling among his packing cases, carrying
+two of his friends with him.
+
+I gave a bit of a squeak, but it was lost among the "_Ach Gotts_" and
+"_Himmels_" all round me. Cecil in his wildest dreams had never hoped
+for this. Whatever the consequences might be I meant to have my snake,
+and while I was collecting it from the floor and cramming it back in the
+box I discovered my defence.
+
+Smiling my very best smile, I turned and faced the angry officials the
+other side of the counter and, holding the box towards them, pointed to
+three printed words underneath: "Made in Germany."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "The Prime Minister left Cupar by the 5.29 train.... The motor
+     arrived at the station at 5.55 and the party went in leisurely
+     fashion down the station steps."--_Glasgow Herald._
+
+What it is to be a Prime Minister! Ordinary mortals arrive at 5.28 and
+go down the steps three at a time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "It is, of course, impossible to dogmatise without conclusive
+     evidence."--_Times._
+
+You should hear our curate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FIGHT FOR THE BANNER.
+
+JOHN BULL. "THIS TIRES ME. WHY CAN'T YOU CARRY IT BETWEEN YOU? NEITHER
+OF YOU CAN CARRY IT ALONE."]
+
+[Illustration: "AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MOSES?"
+
+"PLEASE, TEACHER, IT'S MY FIRST SUNDAY HERE AND I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NONENTITY.
+
+He was a tramp, a mere tramp, clearly a man of no importance to you or
+me or anyone else in the world. The evening was warm, the place secluded
+and remote, and, other things being equal, he climbed over the hedge,
+chose a comfortable position against a haystack, pulled from his pocket
+a fragment of a newspaper and a fragment of a pipe and settled down.
+
+A tramp, the merest tramp, seven miles from anywhere, sitting in a field
+smoking a pipe and reading a newspaper--what can such a one matter to
+the world at large?
+
+The portion of the newspaper was that containing the law reports, not a
+prime favourite with the tramp. The lengthy report which had squeezed
+out other matter that might have been worth reading was a proceeding
+before the Lords of Appeal, in which Sir Rupert Bingley, K.C., M.P., was
+being very explicit and very firm about the exact limitations of the
+power of the Divisional Court to commit for contempt. This was hardly
+fit matter for the reading of a young and susceptible tramp, our man was
+telling himself, when the name of a district which he had once traversed
+cropped up in the case and caught his wandering attention.
+
+The spot in question was on the wild Welsh border, and it was at a
+remote farm thereabouts that the trouble first began over which their
+Lordships and Sir Rupert, together with innumerable other senior
+counsel, junior counsel, solicitors, law reporters, lay reporters,
+ushers, and what-nots were so troubling themselves and each other. The
+farmer's stack of clover had been destroyed by fire, and the farmer,
+feeling that this was rather the affair of the Insurance Company than
+himself, had asked for solatium. The Insurance Company asked who set the
+stack on fire; the farmer didn't know; the Insurance Company, having
+regard to the size and the recent creation of the policy, were prepared
+to guess. The case was heard at Presteign Assizes and the farmer lost
+it, the jury who tried it being not quite so sure as was the farmer of
+his innocence in the matter.
+
+Encouraged by this, the Insurance Company prosecuted the farmer for
+perjury; but the jury that tried this case took almost a stronger view
+of the farmer's virtue than he did himself and found a verdict of "Not
+Guilty," adding a rider very depreciatory of the Insurance Company.
+Encouraged by this verdict, the farmer sued the Insurance Company for
+malicious prosecution, but the jury that tried this case had no faith in
+either party and disagreed. Another jury were then put in their stead
+and they as good as disagreed by finding for the farmer but assessing
+the damages at one farthing.
+
+It will be observed that their Lordships have not yet appeared in the
+matter, whereas the haystack, the cause of all the trouble, had as good
+as disappeared. Meanwhile our tramp, who had seen better days and was
+something of a mathematician, calculated that the total sum spent on
+counsels' fees alone up to this point was well over two hundred guineas.
+
+Social reformers get mixed up in everything nowadays, and one appeared
+in the affair at this juncture. Having chanced to be in court at the
+hearing of the Malicious Prosecution suit, he had formed an opinion of
+the last-mentioned jury, and in an extremely witty speech, had included
+them specifically in the long list of people and things that were no
+better than they should, be. One of the jurors had unhappily been among
+his audience and, possibly because his experience of another's cause had
+endeared him to litigation, he must needs start his action for slander.
+By the time that action had been tried, and appealed, and a new trial
+ordered and held, and the legal proceedings in the respective
+bankruptcies of the social reformer and the juror were completed, the
+total of counsels' guineas must have been well on the other side of a
+thousand.
+
+Everybody had now forgotten that there ever was a stack involved and no
+one would have recollected that the Insurance Company had had anything
+to do with it, had not the social reformer, in the course of his public
+examination, ingenuously attributed his financial downfall to the
+original misbehaviour of that company in disbelieving their
+policy-holders when they declared that they were not incendiaries.
+Thereupon, after a number of applications by counsel to a number of
+courts, the Insurance Company got itself inserted in the Bankruptcy
+proceedings, but not before an enterprising newspaper had taken upon
+itself to assert that there was an element of truth in the contention of
+the social reformer. And then it was that the Contempt proceedings
+began, and were fought strenuously stage by stage, each side briefing
+more and more counsel as they went along, until at last, when the case
+came before their Lordships, there were more barristers involved than
+could be seated in the limited accommodation provided at the bar of
+their Lordships' House.
+
+To calculate even roughly the final total of counsels' fees was no easy
+sum to be done on the fingers. After wrestling with it a little, the
+tramp leant back and puffed hard at his pipe--so hard that the sparks
+flew and the smoke became thick around him--so thick that "Bless my
+soul," said the tramp, rising hurriedly, "there's another stack I've
+been and gone and set afire!"
+
+A tramp, a mere tramp going about the country and setting fire to
+stacks, is not even he to be reckoned with in the order of things?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Professor (to novice during his first lesson)._ "WHAT ON
+EARTH ARE YER DOIN' OVER THERE? YER KNOW YOU'LL 'AVE TO COME AN' DO A
+BIT OF IN-FIGHTING IF YER WANT TO FIND MY WEAK SPOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APRIL FOR THE EPICURE.
+
+(_An effort to emulate the gustatory enthusiasm of "The P.M.G."_)
+
+April, though regarded as somewhat suspect by meteorologists, appeals
+with a peculiar force to gastronomic experts, owing to the number of
+delicacies associated with the month.
+
+FISH.
+
+Oysters, like the poor, are still with us, but only till the end of the
+month; hence, ostreophils should make the most of their opportunities.
+But, besides the "king of crustaceans," as Colonel NEWNHAM-DAVIS happily
+termed the oyster, the sea provides us with a quantity of other
+succulent denizens of the deep. Foremost among these is the turbot; a
+fish held in high honour since the time of the Roman emperors. Nor must
+we omit honourable mention of lobster, whitebait, mullet and eels. It is
+true that some people have an insuperable aversion from eels, but it is
+the mark of the enlightened feeder to conquer these prejudices. Besides,
+no one is asked to eat conger-eel at the best houses.
+
+MEAT.
+
+Beef, mutton and pork are in good condition, or, if they are not, they
+ought to be. But the ways of the animal world are inscrutable,
+especially pigs. Lambs, again, show a strange want of consideration for
+the consumer, for, though April 12th is called "Lamb and Gooseberry-Pie
+Day," lamb, like veal, is dear just now and shows no signs of becoming
+less expensive. This is one of the things which independent back-bench
+Members should ask a question about in the House of Commons, or, failing
+that, they might write to _The Times_.
+
+VERDANT STUFF.
+
+Lovers of salads should now be conscious of a pleasing titillation, for
+this is the green season _par excellence_. Watercress is at its
+cressiest; and lettuce springs from the earth for no other reason than
+to invite the attentions of those two culinary modistes, oil and
+vinegar--the Paquins of the kitchen--and so be "dressed", with highest
+elegance.
+
+_LES PETITS OISEAUX._
+
+Pheasants and partridges are, alas! not now obtainable except from cold
+storage. But let us not grumble over-much. Let us rather remember that
+the more they are neglected by the diner during the mating season the
+more of them there will be to eat when the horrid period of restriction
+is over. Among the rarer birds which are now on the market to compensate
+us may be mentioned the bobolink, the dwarf cassowary, the Bombay
+duckling and the skewbald fintail. The last-named bird, which comes to
+us from Algeria, is renowned for its savoury quality and is cooked in
+butter and madeira, with a _soupcon_ of cayenne. The effect of the
+cayenne is to merge the too prominent black and white of the flesh into
+an appetising grey. The Rhodesian sparrow is another highly esteemed
+delicacy, which does itself most justice when seethed in a casserole
+with antimony, garlic and a few drops of eau-de-Cologne.
+
+RHUBARB.
+
+This is an extremely painful subject. Let us hurriedly pass to something
+more congenial.
+
+EXOTIC FRUIT.
+
+An agreeable seasonal feature is the widening of the horizon to the
+fruit lover. All sorts of delightful foreign species and sub-species may
+now be bad for cash or (if one is lucky) credit--such as bomboudiac,
+angelica, piperazine, zakuska, shalloofs and pampooties. A delicious
+pampootie fool can be made quite cheaply as follows: 3 lb. of
+pampooties, 8 oz. of angelica paregoric, 1 imperial pint of sloe gin, 1
+gill of ammoniated quinine, 9 oz. of rock salt. Boil the sloe gin and
+quinine to a frazzle, put in the pampooties, cut in thin slices, and
+take out an insurance policy.
+
+PLOVERS' EGGS.
+
+These eggs by a strange freak of nature are more easily obtainable in
+April and May than in any other month. In fact in December they are
+worth their weight in gold, and are then to be found on the tables only
+of Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY, Mr. ROCKEFELLER, Mr. HARRY LAUDER and Mr. JOHN
+BURNS. To-day they are anything from ninepence to a shilling each, and
+in a fortnight's time they will be sixpence each, with the added
+pleasure to the consumer of now and then finding a young plover inside.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BUY A PUZZLE, SIR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "On Wednesday of last week an express train dashed into a flock of
+     sheep being driven over a level crossing at Northallerton to-day."
+
+     _Meat Trades' Journal._
+
+Only an express train could arrive a week early; the other ones are
+always late.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a calendar:--
+
+     "April 6th. Dividends due. 'We needs must love the highest when we
+     see it.'"
+
+Unfortunately we don't often see it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOCTURNE.
+
+(_A Golf-match has recently been played at Bushey by night._)
+
+  Not in the noontide's horrid glare
+    When nervousness and lunch combined
+  And James's shoes and well-oiled hair
+  Perturb me, but when Cynthia fair
+        In heaven is shrined,
+  I show my perfect form, and play
+  Big brassie-shots like EDWARD RAY.
+  By night I am _plus_ four. By day----
+        Well, never mind.
+
+  With elfin stance I stride the tee
+    And deal my orb an amorous slap
+  In the mid-moonshine's mystery,
+  And Puck preserves the stroke for me
+        From foul mishap;
+  Pan saves me from the casual pot
+  And Dryad nymphs upbear my shot
+  Outstripping James's (James has got
+        No soul, poor chap).
+
+  The little pixies of the wood
+    Come thronging round him while he putts;
+  They do his game no kind of good
+  But many an unseen toadstool-hood
+        Their craft unshuts;
+  They turn his eye-balls to and fro
+  And make marsh-lanterns round him glow;
+  He is all off, whilst I am--oh!
+        One of the nuts.
+
+  The gossips by the club-room fire
+    Applaud my game with constant din:
+  "Approach-work never was so dire,
+  No mashies on this earth expire
+        So near the tin;
+  You ought to watch his tee-shots whizz
+  At number nine. Hot stuff he is.
+  The captain's lunar vase is his,
+        If he goes in."
+
+  And so I do. My argent sphere
+    Goes speeding through the night's opaque;
+  No hazards of the sand I fear,
+  The heavenly huntress keeps me clear
+        Of thorn and brake;
+  Not Dionysus' spotted ounce
+  More featly on the sward may bounce;
+  I hover like a hawk at pounce,
+        Putt out----and wake.
+
+                              EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Spring Fashions.
+
+     "A waistcoat of tan and a limp lawn collar flowing over the
+     shoulders make a good suit."
+
+     _Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ORANGES AND LEMONS.
+
+VI.--THE RECORD OF IT.
+
+"I shall be glad to see Peter again," said Dahlia, as she folded up her
+letter from home.
+
+Peter's previous letter, dictated to his nurse-secretary, had, according
+to Archie, been full of good things. Cross-examination of the proud
+father, however, had failed to reveal anything more stirring than "'I
+love mummy,' and--er--so on."
+
+We were sitting in the loggia after what I don't call breakfast--all of
+us except Simpson, who was busy with a mysterious package. We had not
+many days left; and I was beginning to feel that, personally, I should
+not be sorry to see things like porridge again. Each to his taste.
+
+"The time has passed absurdly quickly," said Myra. "We don't seem to
+have done _anything_--except enjoy ourselves. I mean anything specially
+Rivierish.' But it's been heavenly."
+
+"We've done lots of Rivierish things," I protested. "If you'll be quiet
+a moment I'll tell you some."
+
+These were some of the things;
+
+(1) We had been to the Riviera. (Nothing could take away from that. We
+had the labels on our luggage.)
+
+(2) We had lost heavily (thirty francs) at the Tables. (This alone
+justified the journey.)
+
+(3) Myra had sat next to a Prince at lunch. (Of course she might have
+done this in London, but so far there has been no great rush of Princes
+to our little flat. Dukes, Mayors, Companions of St. Michael and St.
+George, certainly; but, somehow, not Princes.)
+
+(4) Simpson had done the short third hole at Mt. Agel in three. (His
+first had cleverly dislodged the ball from the piled-up tee; his second,
+a sudden nick, had set it rolling down the hill to the green; and the
+third, an accidental putt, had sunk it.)
+
+(5) Myra and I had seen Corsica. (Question.)
+
+(6) And finally, and best of all, we had sat in the sun, under a blue
+sky, above a blue sea, and watched the oranges and lemons grow.
+
+So, though we had been to but few of the famous beauty spots around, we
+had had a delightfully lazy time; and as proof that we had not really
+been at Brighton there were, as I have said, the luggage labels. But we
+were to be able to show further proof. At this moment Simpson came out
+of the house, his face beaming with excitement, his hands carefully
+concealing something behind his back.
+
+"Guess what I've got," he said eagerly.
+
+"The sack," said Thomas.
+
+"Your new vests," said Archie.
+
+"Something that will interest us all," helped Simpson.
+
+"I withdraw my suggestion," said Archie.
+
+"Something we ought to have brought with us all along."
+
+"More money," said Myra.
+
+The tension was extreme. It was obvious that our consuming anxiety would
+have to be relieved very speedily. To avoid a riot, Thomas went behind
+Simpson's back and took his surprise away from him.
+
+"A camera," he said. "Good idea."
+
+Simpson was all over himself with bon-hommy.
+
+"I suddenly thought of it the other night," he said, smiling round at
+all of us in his happiness, "and I was just going to wake Thomas up to
+tell him, when I thought, I'd keep it a secret. So I wrote to a friend
+of mine and asked him to send me out one, and some films and things,
+just as a surprise for you."
+
+"Samuel, you _are_ a dear," said Myra, looking at him lovingly.
+
+"You see, I thought, Myra, you'd like to have some records of the place,
+because they're so jolly to look back on, and--er, I'm not quite sure
+how you work it, but I expect some of you know, and--er----"
+
+"Come on," said Myra, "I'll show you." She retired with Simpson to a
+secluded part of the loggia and helped him put the films in.
+
+"Nothing can save us," said Archie. "We are going to be taken together
+in a group. Simpson will send it to one of the picture papers, and we
+shall appear as 'Another Merry Little Party of well-known Sun-seekers.
+Names from left to right: Blank, blank, Mr. Archibald Mannering, blank,
+blank.' I'd better go and brush my hair."
+
+Simpson returned to us, nervous and fully charged with advice.
+
+"Right, Myra, I see. That'll be all right. Oh, look here, do you--oh
+yes, I see. Right. Now then--wait a bit--oh yes, I've got it. Now then,
+what shall we have first? A group?"
+
+"Take the house and the garden and the village," said Thomas. "You'll
+see plenty of _us_ afterwards."
+
+"The first one is bound to be a failure," I pointed out. "Rather let him
+fail at us, who are known to be beautiful, than, at the garden, which
+has its reputation yet to make. Afterwards, when he has got the knack,
+he will be able to do justice to the scenery."
+
+Archie joined us again, followed by the bull-dog. We grouped ourselves
+picturesquely.
+
+"That looks ripping," said Simpson. "Oh, look here, Myra, do you---- No,
+don't come; you'll spoil the picture. I suppose you have to--oh, it's
+all right, I think I've got it."
+
+"I shan't try to look handsome this time," said Archie; "it's not worth
+it. I shall just put an ordinary blurred expression on."
+
+"Now, are you ready? Don't move. Quite still, please; quite----"
+
+"It's instantaneous, you know," said Myra gently.
+
+This so unnerved Simpson that he let the thing off without any further
+warning, before we had time to get our expressions natural.
+
+"That was all right, Myra, wasn't it?" he said proudly.
+
+"I'm--I'm afraid you had your hand over the lens, Samuel dear."
+
+"Our new photographic series: 'Palms of the Great.' No. 1, Mr. S.
+Simpson's," murmured Archie.
+
+"It wouldn't have been a very good one anyhow," I said encouragingly.
+"It wasn't typical. Dahlia should have had an orange in her hand, and
+Myra might have been resting her cheek against a cactus. Try it again,
+Simpson, and get a little more colour into it."
+
+He tried again and got a lot more colour into it.
+
+"Strictly speaking," said Myra sadly, "you ought to have got it on to a
+new film."
+
+Simpson looked in horror at the back of his camera, found that he had
+forgotten to turn the handle, apologised profusely, and wound up very
+gingerly till the number "2" approached. "Now then," he said, looking up
+... and found himself alone.
+
+       *       *       *
+
+As I write this in London I have Simpson's album in front of me. Should
+you ever do us the honour of dining with us (as I hope you will), and
+(which seems impossible) should there ever come a moment when the
+conversation runs low, and you are revolving in your mind whether it is
+worth while asking us if we have been to any theatres lately, then I
+shall produce the album, and you will be left in no doubt that we are
+just back from the Riviera. You will see oranges and lemons and olives
+and cactuses and palms; blue sky (if you have enough imagination) and
+still bluer sea; picturesque villas, curious effects of rocks, distant
+backgrounds of mountain ... and on the last page the clever kindly face
+of Simpson.
+
+The whole affair will probably bore you to tears.
+
+But with Myra and me the case of course is different. We find these
+things, as Simpson said, very jolly to look back on.
+
+                                               A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: [_Extract from Sentries' Orders_: "In case of man
+overboard, will throw the ship's life-buoy overboard, and report to the
+ship's officer on the bridge. In case of fire will at once report it
+quietly to the ship's officer on the bridge."]
+
+_Officer of the Watch (on transport)._ "WHAT DO YOU DO IN CASE OF FIRE?"
+
+_Nervous Sentry._ "THROW MESELF OVERBOARD AN' REPORT AT ONCE TO THE
+BLOKE ON THE BALCONY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN SEARCH OF PETER.
+
+Martell is one of those men that you might live next door to for
+half-a-century and never know any better. It is entirely owing to his
+wife and her love for Peter that Martell and I have discovered each
+other to be quite companionable fellows with many tastes in common, and
+I am smoking one of his cigars at the present moment.
+
+Peter is the most precious and the most coveted of my possessions. He is
+coveted, or was, chiefly by Mrs. Martell, who fell in love with his name
+and his deep romantic eyes. Apart from these I can see nothing
+remarkable in him. He is certainly the most irresponsible hound that
+ever sat down in front of a motor-car to attend to his personal
+cleanliness, but still I should not like to part with him. "We must have
+a Peter," was the text of Mrs. Martell's domestic monologues, and of
+late, before the great disillusionment--that is, after hinting
+delicately to me that she would like best of all to have _the_
+Peter--she took to sallying forth, armed with the name, into the
+purlieus of dog-fanciers to find a criminal that would fit the
+punishment.
+
+I was not altogether surprised, therefore, one afternoon when a note was
+brought in asking me to step round and have a cup of tea. Martell was
+monosyllabic as usual, and we sat and gazed into the fire.
+
+"I don't suppose you would like to part with Peter," he said suddenly.
+
+"I certainly should not," I answered.
+
+Then, after a pause, "Could you tell a good lie?" he asked.
+
+I looked up in astonishment, but just then Mrs. Martell entered and
+plunged _in medias res_. She had just returned from the last of those
+fruitless expeditions, and the slow realization that there can be only
+one Peter in the world had brought her nearly to tears.
+
+"And I've bought such a sweet little collar for him," she said, "with
+'Peter' printed in big letters."
+
+I remembered then that the original dog was in daily danger of being
+arrested, his very aged collar having been chewed to pulp after his last
+castigation therewith.
+
+"And a dear little pair of soft slippers, one for him to play with, and
+the other to smack him with if he's ever naughty, although I don't think
+he could be--your Peter, I mean. Have you slippers for him?"
+
+"Well, not a pair," I said, "and not exactly slippers. One's a
+golf-ball, the other's more in the nature of a boot."
+
+"Oh, but he 's such a sweet-tempered little creature, isn't he?"
+
+I felt Martell's eye upon, me.
+
+"Very," I said; "his early upbringing gave him a healthy body and a
+mellow heart. He was born in a brewery, you know, and never tasted water
+until I flung him into the canal the first day I had him. Since then, as
+often as he has time, he goes to bathe in the scummiest parts, and then
+comes and tells me all about it with any amount of circumstantial
+evidence. Most enthusiastic little swimmer he is."
+
+"What a funny dog! But I should never allow him to go out alone--if he
+were mine, I mean. And what sort of food do you give him?"
+
+"Well, he tried to swallow one of my white ties last night."
+
+"Oh, but I should give him proper food," she said. "He doesn't hate
+cats, does he? I couldn't bear a dog that did."
+
+My eyes met Martell's for one moment, then I cleared my throat. Slowly
+and sadly I opened the history of Peter militant, with unacknowledged
+borrowings from the lives of other Peters with other names. Beginning
+with cats I had seen in my garden looking as if they felt rather blurred
+and indistinct, I passed on through cats speechless and perforated, to
+cats that were. I told sad stories of the deaths of cats. I talked of
+nights of agonising shrieks, and mornings of guilty eyes and
+blood-stained lips. My store of reminiscences lasted five minutes, and
+before Mrs. Martell had recovered from their recitation I pleaded a
+pressing engagement and took my departure.
+
+You will now understand why I count Martell among my friends and am at
+this moment, as I said before, smoking one of his cigars. It came in a
+box of a hundred, with the laconic note, "One for each."
+
+As I write, my dog and my black kitten are barging in perfect accord all
+round my legs in pursuit of a brand-new collar with "Peter" printed in
+big letters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NEW CRAZE.
+
+"WHAT A TRAGIC FACE YOU HAVE, MISS POOTLE."
+
+"YES, YOU SEE, I _ADORE_ MISERY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Notice outside a station of the Wirral Railway Co.:--
+
+     "Loiterers on the Company's premises or annoying passengers will be
+     prosecuted."
+
+The passenger who annoys us most and seems worthiest of prosecution is
+the fifth on our side of the carriage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANNABEL LEE.
+
+  Up and down on the fresh-ploughed levels,
+    All for the sake of their lady fair,
+  Two cock-partridges fought like devils,
+    Hammer-and-tongs and a hop in the air;
+  And I and "Basket" Annabel Lee--
+  Elderly tinking gyp is she--
+  We leaned on the paling and watched it go;
+    And "Eh," said she, "now a fight 'tis cruel,
+    But of all the compliments 'tis the jewel!
+  May I die to-day, but I know, I know
+    There's naught as a young maid's 'eart takes better
+    Than a couple o' big chaps out to get her
+  Through a dozen o' dustin' rounds or so.
+
+  "Bet my bonnet it strikes you funny,
+    Seein' I'm risin' seventy-three,
+  To think o' me once as sweet as honey;
+    Lor' how their fists went 'long o' me!
+  Jake Poltevo and Pembroke Bill,
+  I saw 'em then, and I sees 'em still,
+  Eh, how their fists went--_thud! crack! thud!_
+    None o' your booze-house scraps, Lor' love 'em;
+    Turf to their feet and the sky above 'em--
+  Stripped, bare-knuckle and mucked wi' blood;
+    Queer thing, ain't it, I still thinks pleasure
+    In the strength o' a man, bein' old, by measure,
+  And plain, you'd say, as a pint o' mud?
+
+  "Scared me fine at the time, though; weepin'
+    I 'id my face in the 'azels low;
+  Tip-toe soon I was back a-peepin',
+    Couldn't 'a' helped were it never so;
+  Each as good as the other chap--
+  Bad old woman I be, may'ap;
+  But eh, I loved 'em, the fine young men.
+    Marry a one of 'em? Why no, never;
+    They wasn't a-marryin' me whatever;
+  But I likes to think of 'em now and then;
+    For, of all the compliments, _that_ was candy,
+    And--ain't them dicky-birds at it dandy?
+  I knows the pride o' their pretty 'en!
+  Eh, but I loved 'em, me fine young men!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FROM FIFE TO HARP.
+
+MR. ASQUITH. "ONE MORE BONNIE TOOTLE, AND THEN BACK TO THAT DREARY OLD
+HARP."]
+
+[Illustration: A FORETASTE OF HOME RULE HARMONY
+
+"Mr. Devlin here interposed with a remark which was not heard in the
+gallery, and Mr. W. O'Brien, turning round to where the hon. member was
+sitting, called out in an angry tone something which was not clearly
+heard."--"_Times'" Report._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: If only Sir EDWARD CARSON belonged to some other
+oppressed nationality--Armenia, for instance!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, April 6._--At third time of asking Home Rule
+Bill read a second time. Odd feature, in curious sitting that hotly
+contested measure passed crucial stage without a division. House divided
+on WALTER LONG'S amendment for its rejection. When thereupon SPEAKER put
+the question that "the Bill be now read a second time" there was none to
+say him nay. Some folk of hopeful habit see in this incident a forecast
+of the end.
+
+Debate unexpectedly decorous, not to say decidedly dull. TIM HEALY did
+something to lift it out of rut. But he was more concerned to belabour
+JOHN REDMOND and to dig DEVLIN in the ribs than to argue merits of
+measure. Taunted his much-loved fellow-patriot and countryman with
+facing both ways on question of exclusion of Ulster. ATTORNEY-GENERAL
+declared that PREMIER'S offer of exclusion for period of six years was
+still open. REDMOND, believing it was dead, had, TIM said, prepared its
+coffin, "and now the ATTORNEY-GENERAL comes along and forces fresh
+oxygen into the corpse."
+
+As for DEVLIN, he was introduced accidentally at end of harangue. Had
+interposed comment inaudible to main body of House, but safely assumed
+not to be complimentary. WILLIAM O'BRIEN turned round with angry retort.
+
+"There is," mused TIM, "one gentleman from whom on historical grounds I
+had expected firmness in regard to Ulster. It is the gentleman who has
+just interrupted me, and the grounds of expectation are that in ancient
+time downward from the flight of the earls the DEVLINS were the
+hereditary horse-boys of the O'NEILLS."
+
+Remark perhaps scarcely relevant to Home Rule Bill or motion for its
+Second Reading. But it soothed TIM and didn't hurt DEVLIN.
+
+BIRRELL having made cheery speech on situation generally, PETO rose with
+amiable intention of continuing debate. House had had enough of it.
+Persistently cried aloud for division. Amid hubbub PETO shouted
+dissatisfaction at top of his voice. Unequal contest maintained for only
+a few minutes, when MCKENNA in charge of business of House during
+absence of his elders nipped in with motion for Closure.
+
+This carried, LONG'S amendment negatived by 356 votes against 276.
+Majority for Government, 80. Motion for Second Reading unchallenged;
+amid prolonged cheering from Ministerialists and Irish Nationalists Bill
+read a second time.
+
+_Business done._--For third time in course of three successive sessions
+Home Rule Bill passes Second Reading stage.
+
+_Tuesday._--BROWNING, longing to be in England "now that April's there,"
+would have been disappointed had it been possible for him to turn up
+to-day. So dark and dank that at three o'clock, when Questions opened,
+electric light was turned on. Revealed dreary array of half-empty
+benches. Had Closure been promptly moved a count out inevitable.
+
+As in time of war the cutting off of superior officers brings
+comparatively young ones to chief command, MCKENNA (in the absence of
+PREMIER, CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, and FOREIGN SECRETARY) sits in the
+seat of the mighty in charge of Government business. Fills the part
+excellently. Ten days ago SPEAKER cheered House by announcement that
+there should be no more Supplementary Questions. Welcome resolution
+either forgotten or deliberately ignored. Supplementary Questions,
+almost exclusively argumentative, assertive, or personally offensive,
+buzzed about Treasury bench like bees at mouth of hive. HOME SECRETARY,
+alert, self-possessed, deftly parried attack.
+
+While Questions on printed paper were being duly picked up, put and
+answered, midway in melancholy proceeding there entered Distinguished
+Strangers' Gallery a small group of gorgeously clad princes from the
+storied East. They surveyed the scene with keen interest. In their
+far-off home they had read and talked of the House of Commons, the
+central controlling force of wide-spread Empire, whereof their
+possessions were as a bit of fringe. They had travelled far to look upon
+it. And here in this comparatively small chamber, scantily peopled, they
+beheld it.
+
+  Is this the face that launched a thousand ships
+  And stormed the topmost towers of Ilium?
+
+Fortunately for reputation of the House ROWLAND HUNT chanced to be to
+the fore. The other day, burning with patriotism, he issued a circular
+letter addressed to non-commissioned officers of the Army, advising them
+how to act in certain contingencies relating to Ulster. It happens that
+one CROWSLEY had previously circulated amongst soldiers at Aldershot a
+handbill urging the men to disobey orders when on duty. He was
+prosecuted for inciting to mutiny, convicted and sentenced. Members in
+Radical stronghold below Gangway want to know wherein the two cases
+differ, and why, if CROWSLEY is in gaol, the Member for South Shropshire
+should go free?
+
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL, to whom questions were addressed, diplomatically
+discriminated. Came to conclusion not to employ services of PUBLIC
+PROSECUTOR. So ROWLAND HUNT remains with us.
+
+_Business done._--A couple of small Government Bills advanced a stage.
+House talked out at eleven o'clock.
+
+_Wednesday._--Adjournment for brief Easter Holiday. Back on Tuesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Sir EDWARD GREY (_in Sutherlandshire on the day of the
+final debate on the Second Reading of the Home Rule Bill_). "Ireland?
+Ireland? Where have I heard that name?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COWL.
+
+     _Murdoch McWhannel, 3, Poynings Avenue, Glasgow, N.W._, to _Messrs.
+     Fairley and Willing, house-factors there_.
+
+     _January 3, 191--._
+
+     I have been seriously annoyed for some weeks now by a noisy
+     chimney-cowl on your property at 15, Poynings Road. It is on the
+     stack of chimneys at the rear of your property, and within about
+     fifty yards of the back windows of this house. During the recent
+     high winds the cowl has kept up a continual shrieking, day and
+     night, which has been extremely destructive to "Nature's sweet
+     restorer, balmy sleep." I trust that you will be so good as to have
+     the cowl overhauled, and this cause of disturbance removed.
+
+     _Messrs. Fairley and Willing_ to _Murdoch McWhannel_.
+
+     _January 6, 191-._
+
+     _Re_ your letter of 3rd curt., the chimney cowl at 15, Poynings
+     Road shall have our immediate attention.
+
+     _Murdoch McWhannel_ to _Messrs. Fairley and Willing_.
+
+     _January 7, 191-._
+
+     I have to thank you for your prompt and courteous reply to my
+     letter of 3rd January, and am glad to know that the noisy cowl will
+     have your immediate attention.
+
+     _The Same_ to _the Same_.
+
+     _January 14, 191-._
+
+     May I remind you that in your letter of 6th January you were good
+     enough to promise that the noisy cowl at 15, Poynings Road would
+     have your immediate attention? Of course I know that it is
+     difficult to get tradesmen to work so soon after the New Year
+     holidays, but they should now be available, and the cowl is having
+     a very serious effect on the health and nerves of the residents
+     here.
+
+     _Messrs. Fairley and Willing_ to _Murdoch McWhannel_.
+
+     _January 17, 191-._
+
+     _Re_ chimney cowl at 15, Poynings Road and your letter of 14th
+     curt., we are surprised to receive same. We sent out a tradesman on
+     January 11, who reported same date that he had oiled and adjusted
+     the cowl, and that it would give no further trouble. If you are
+     still troubled, some other cowl must be causing it now. We
+     understand, from enquiries made on the spot, that there is a noisy
+     one, not on our property at all, but on Hathaway Mansions. We hope
+     you will find this explanation satisfactory.
+
+     _Murdoch McWhannel_ to _Messrs. Fairley and Willing_.
+
+     _January 19, 191-._
+
+     I am surprised by the contents of your letter of 17th, for which I
+     am much obliged. If your tradesman attended to a cowl on the back
+     stack of your property at 15, Poynings Road, on January 11, he must
+     have attended to the wrong cowl. One can readily understand that if
+     he adjusted and oiled a cowl which had not been making any noise it
+     would continue to be silent. The error might easily occur,
+     especially so soon after the New Year holidays. This is the only
+     explanation I can think of, for the noise has been as bad as ever.
+     I trust you will have the matter further looked into, as the
+     situation, especially in regard to my wife's nerves, is becoming
+     more and more serious.
+
+     _Messrs. Fairley and Willing_ to _Murdoch McWhannel_.
+
+     _January 23, 191-._
+
+     _In re_ chimney cowl at 15, Poynings Road and your letter of
+     January 19, we can only say that it surprises us very much. We
+     employ only the most competent tradesmen, who could not possibly
+     make the kind of mistake you suppose. We beg to refer you to the
+     part of our letter of January 17 referring to Hathaway Mansions.
+
+     _Murdoch McWhannel_ to _Messrs. Fairley and Willing_.
+
+     _January 24, 191-._
+
+     I regret very much the tone of your letter of January 23. It is
+     hardly courteous to suggest, as your letter does, that I cannot
+     distinguish between the noise of a cowl on Hathaway Mansions, which
+     are fully 150 yards away, and one which is practically just above
+     my bedroom. As I write this letter, seated at a table at the window
+     of my study, I can actually see the cowl shrieking--if you will
+     pardon a figure of speech which has perhaps a Hibernian flavour. As
+     my study is built out to the back of this house, it is parallel
+     with your property at 15, Poynings Road. I am within fifty yards of
+     the offending cowl. The noise it makes rises and falls in
+     shrillness according to the speed at which the cowl revolves under
+     the pressure of the wind. We are not disturbed at all by any cowl
+     on Hathaway Mansions, but by this one of yours, about which I wrote
+     you first so long ago as January 3. I have kept a diary of the cowl
+     since then and for some days earlier, showing the number of hours
+     per day that we have been annoyed by it, the number of times it has
+     prevented us from getting to sleep at the usual time, the number of
+     nights we have been wakened from the same cause, and the number of
+     mornings when we have been prematurely wakened, often as early as
+     seven o'clock, and prevented from getting to sleep again. I shall
+     be glad to send you a copy of this document for your information.
+     The original I must retain, in case any legal proceedings should be
+     necessary, as I have had each item in the diary certified by my
+     wife and our house-tablemaid, a very intelligent and observant
+     girl. I hope, however, it may not be necessary to take any legal
+     steps, such as an action of interdict and damages at my instance,
+     or a prosecution for nuisance at the instance of the public
+     authority, which in this case would be the City Council, to a
+     number of which body I am not altogether unknown. In fact I may say
+     I took the opportunity of mentioning the matter to Bailie McPartan
+     at a municipal conversazione to which my wife and I were invited
+     last week. I do not wish to trouble you by writing at any undue
+     length on this subject, but I think it right and only fair to tell
+     you that owing to the actual noise of the cowl, and perhaps even
+     more (as our doctor says) to the mental strain of listening to hear
+     whether it is going to begin again, my wife is on the verge of a
+     complete nervous collapse, which seems likely to necessitate some
+     weeks' rest cure in a nursing home, and possibly a trip to the
+     Canaries. I am advised by my lawyer that these are contingent
+     liabilities, the burden of which would fall upon you as the owner
+     of the cowl. In these circumstances I feel sure you will favour the
+     immediate removal of this nuisance.
+
+     _Messrs. Fairley and Willing_ to _Murdoch McWhannel_.
+
+     _January 27, 191-._
+
+     Your letter of 24th curt. will receive immediate attention at the
+     hands of our solicitors. Messrs. Samson and Samuel, 114, North
+     Regent Street, to whom perhaps you will kindly address any further
+     communications you may think necessary _re_ cowl.
+
+     _Gilbert Macdonald, 5, Poynings Avenue, Glasgow, N.W._, to _George
+     Willing, house factor_.
+
+     _February 3, 191-._
+
+     DEAR WILLING,--For Heaven's sake, as an old friend, spike or remove
+     the chimney cowl that McWhannel at No. 3 has written you about. He
+     has called on me twice and written three long letters, "to enlist
+     my sympathy and support." He is the most poisonous kind of bore,
+     and I'll gladly pay for the removal of the cowl, if that's the only
+     way of muzzling him.
+
+     _Reply by telephone, summarised._ _Willing_ to _Macdonald_.
+
+     _February 4, 191-._
+
+I would do so, for friendship's sake, but I've just sold the property. I
+preferred that to having any more letters from him.
+
+     _Messrs. Fairley and Willing_ to _Murdoch McWhannel_.
+
+     _February 14, 191-._
+
+     _Re_ your letters to Messrs. Samson and Samuel of January 29th and
+     31st, and February 2nd, 5th, 8th, 11th, and your telegrams of 12th
+     and 13th, we have now pleasure in advising you that we have sold
+     the property at 15, Poynings Road, including the cowl, to the
+     Corporation. We understand that the Corporation propose to use the
+     premises as a reception house in connection with their Home for
+     Lost Dogs, and we trust that this arrangement will be satisfactory
+     to you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HINTS TO ARTISTS AND WRITERS WHO NEED TO ADVERTISE
+THEMSELVES BY SOME ECCENTRICITY OF COSTUME.
+
+WHILE THE MOST ELABORATE ATTEMPTS TO DRAW ATTENTION OFTEN FALL FLAT,
+SOMETIMES THE SMALLEST DEVIATION FROM THE USUAL MAY PROVE
+IRRESISTIBLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+From an Oxford Street wine merchant's advt.:--
+
+     "Equal to the so-called First Quality brands."
+
+       *       *       *
+
+     "He was defended by Mr. Macbottle of whisky."--_Scotch paper._
+
+The Macbottles (of whisky) are a very well-known Highland clan.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"At Sapphire Lodge in Vincent Square, W. A. Randall Wells has lately
+painted two rooms in a manner which combines novelty very successfully
+with a sound tradition." Speaking of the bedroom, _The Times_ goes on to
+say that "there are passages from the 'Sensitive Blast' finely written
+on vellum in every panel." Certainly this variation on the title of
+SHELLEY'S poem seems to "combine novelty very successfully with a sound
+tradition."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VILLAIN IN REVOLT.
+
+  I have been in a fair dust-up in Denver City,
+    Made many a baresark rush;
+  I have bluffed with Death in my time and scooped the kitty,
+    Smashing a cool straight flush;
+  I have gouged my jack-knife deep in a victim's thorax
+    (Golly, how the blood did gush!);
+  I have scalped some dozens of skulls with an Indian war-axe
+    Without being put to the blush.
+
+  I've killed with stilettos at times and with crude sandbagging,
+    Or a brute belaying-pin;
+  With a twisted cord I have frequently done my scragging,
+    And doped with devilish gin;
+  I remember once in a boarding-house racket at Rio
+    How my snickersnee snicked clean in;
+  And I booted a blackguard to death with consid'rable _brio_
+    One evening in Tien-tsin.
+
+  I've run amok with a kris and sent men howling;
+    With a kukri I've killed my prey;
+  I'm an amateur still--I admit it--at disembow'ling,
+    But I've settled a few that way;
+  And I mind me well (for I still can sniff the aroma
+    Of that particular fray)
+  How I quartered and cut into ribbons some beggars at Boma
+    On rather a busy day.
+
+  But I'm blowed--being really a rabid humanitarian,
+    And a vegetarian too--
+  If I mean to devour an unfortunate fellow Aryan
+    In the Island of Oahu.
+  I have done dire deeds by request, without any evasion,
+    But this thing I will not do;
+  If they won't be content with a "fake" for this single occasion,
+    My cinema job is through.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of popular novels:--
+
+  "_The Beloved Premier_, by H. MAXWELL.
+  _The Greater Law_, by VICTORIA CROSS."
+
+Politicians can take their choice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Latest Cinema Poster.
+
+  "Our Sea Rooms now open.
+  No Finer Death."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Men that Matter.
+
+  Sound the clarion, FILSON, FYFE,
+    To all the reading world proclaim
+  One signed half-column, straight from life,
+    Is worth a page without a name.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF CONVERSATION.
+
+I had a terrible experience yesterday, one of life's inky black hours
+which will bring a shudder whenever in future days memory seizes an idle
+moment to refresh herself. I had been dining with Scarfield and his
+mother at Hampstead, and with the entry of the coffee he had pleaded a
+sudden dyspepsia and withdrawn. So his mother, a dear colourless old
+lady, undertook to entertain me. By her desire I lighted a cigar.
+
+She mentioned that she had just returned from a visit to Glasgow, and I
+remarked intelligently that Glasgow was a fine place. Considering for a
+moment, she observed that she thought the weather in Glasgow was colder
+than that of the South of England; and I said, Yes, very likely, I had
+heard so. In about two minutes she qualified her statement by informing
+me that the South of England was as a rule milder than Glasgow. I
+replied that it appeared to me very possible, adding recklessly that
+they had peculiarly mixed weather in Glasgow, which she seemed to think
+rather a questionable presentment of the case for the North, for she
+kept silent and ruminated for seven or eight minutes. My mind took a
+little excursion to Putney, where I have friends. But, before I had
+really settled at Putney, the lady's voice intimated that perhaps they
+had more rain in Glasgow than in the South of England.
+
+I came back from Putney with a slight mental wrench, yet sufficiently
+clear-headed to say decidedly that Glasgow, on the whole, had a much
+better climate than the South, because I had once spent a day there, and
+the sun shone the whole time, so I ought to know. Then I started off
+again, and had just reached Walham Green (one does not speak of these
+places, but I may tell you that it is a station on the way to Putney,
+where I have a friend), when she responded with lightning-like swiftness
+that it couldn't be healthy to live in Glasgow. This bordered on
+repartee, so I countered rapidly with the brilliant suggestion that a
+good many people managed to live there, hoping she would not score by
+the obvious rejoinder that a good many people died there. If she had, I
+can't imagine how I should have extricated myself. Luckily she merely
+murmured, "Ah, yes," and reflected. I was just stepping off the train at
+a station (Putney--to be explicit, it is a lady friend) when there
+seemed to be a collision, and I caught myself saying, "Indeed!" though I
+don't know why. She nodded approval, however, and I ventured on a
+meditative "Ye-es."
+
+"But they don't seem to mind," she said, glancing at me blandly through
+her spectacles. "_Do_ they?"
+
+"You see," I answered, chancing it, "they are so used to it." She smiled
+and agreed.
+
+"That must be the reason," she said. For what, I hadn't the remotest
+idea; but this just shows what presence of mind will do for one in an
+emergency.
+
+"What a difference they must find," I went on boldly, and lapsed into a
+muse. She sighted it, however, and replied in less than five minutes--
+
+"You mean now that the old-fashioned ones are coming in again?"
+
+Here was a catastrophe. Did she refer to hats, or skirts, or Christmas
+cards? What sudden original observation had I unfortunately missed
+during that last journey South-westward? At all costs I must keep cool.
+I pulled myself together and plunged.
+
+"Yes," I said. "You see the old-fashioned ones were so awfully tight,
+weren't they?"
+
+"Tight?" she echoed. "Not _tight_."
+
+"Well, not exactly _tight_," I answered, feeling rather distracted. "I
+meant large."
+
+She looked at me suspiciously, I thought. "_I_ think they're too long,"
+she said, "and such a lot of people in them."
+
+This was growing too complicated, and I wished heartily we had stuck to
+Glasgow and its weather.
+
+"One finds them," she added, "so hard to follow."
+
+I racked my miserable brain for anything that was lengthy, populous, and
+difficult to follow; in vain.
+
+"Still," I gasped, glancing at the door, "one can always ... one can
+generally ... one can sometimes sit down ... for a rest ... if one is
+dreadfully tired," I explained.
+
+She gazed at me reproachfully.
+
+"I don't usually stand at the back of the pit," she said. "The last time
+Fred took me we had stalls."
+
+"How--how _jolly_!" I murmured. "I was thinking of--of----"
+
+"If you please, Mr. Fred would like some soda-water and a few biscuits
+taken up, Ma'am," said the servant, entering softly.
+
+I rose.
+
+"Must you go?" protested my conversationalist. "Oh, I am so sorry! But
+come again soon--you have kept me quite lively. Good-bye."
+
+I took the tube to Charing Cross and changed there for Putney and Ethel.
+(Did I mention that her name was Ethel?) But when I told Ethel about it
+afterwards she said she thought sarcasm in elderly ladies was very
+objectionable.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL ART.
+
+  Across the sundering gulf of time
+    I lift a song to you,
+  Melodious as a minster chime,
+    Loud, I expect, as two.
+  Years have flown swiftly since we met;
+  Do you, remembered one, forget
+    The rapturous moment and sublime
+  When I drew near to you? I bet
+    A half-a-crown you do.
+
+  Your name I never learned--Helene,
+    Beryl, perhaps Marie,
+  Phyllis, Estelle, or merely Jane--
+    It makes no odds to me.
+  I hymn you, maiden, none the less;
+  I toil in rhyme and metre; yes,
+    From noon till eve I bear the pain
+  Of this prolonged poetic stress
+    (With half-an-hour for tea).
+
+  Carrots your hair was (_i.e._, red;
+    "Carrots" is just my fun);
+  Blue were your eyes, and from them sped
+    A gleam that mocked the sun--
+  I _think_ that's so, but, as I say,
+  Time has moved quickly since that day,
+    And few, too few, the words we said
+  When languidly, as beauty may,
+    You handed me a bun.
+
+  Calmly you took it from the place
+    Where it was used to sit,
+  And I can still recall the grace
+    With which you dusted it.
+  I paid you, and we parted; so
+  Life's rich adventures come and go!
+    And did that brief glimpse of your face
+  Set love within me surging? No,
+    It didn't. Not a bit.
+
+  I only sing because I must;
+    Not mine the fret, the throb
+  Of fevered passion; verse is just
+    My livelihood, or job.
+  Searching for themes, I had a clear,
+  Swift vision of your dial; queer
+    How such things happen, but I trust
+  These lines will bring me in, my dear,
+    L1 or 30s.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE COSTUMIER'S.
+
+"OH YES, SHE'S SMART, BUT SHE HASN'T AN IDEA IN HER VOCABULARY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BURNING QUESTION.
+
+Feeling that not all the representative voices have been heard with
+regard to the question of smoking in theatres, _Mr. Punch_ has been
+making further inquiries. The replies are appended:--
+
+_General VILLA V. VILLA._ I think that smoking should be permitted
+everywhere.
+
+_Mr. MAX PEMBERTON._ I am totally opposed to giving theatres the same
+comfortable rules as the variety halls. If people may smoke at musical
+comedies they are in danger of avoiding revues.
+
+_Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON._ I am in favour of giving the public all they
+want. Let them smoke if they wish to, everywhere and everywhen. Let them
+also chew and take snuff: a private snuff-box should be attached to
+every stall.
+
+_Mr. VICTOR GRAYSON._ I would support smoking in theatres if pipes were
+permitted. But of course they won't be.
+
+_Mr. BERNARD SHAW (to whom no inquiry was addressed, but that did not
+prevent his sending a long letter on the subject, the purport of which
+is that there should be no smoking anywhere)._ Had I ever smoked I
+should not now be the first intellectual in Europe.
+
+_Sir JAMES CRICHTON-BROWNE._ No smoking in theatres for me. And if I go
+to the Gaiety and find that a cigar or cigarette on my right or left
+singes my whiskers I will have the law of Mr. GEORGE EDWARDES.
+
+"_Mrs. Wiggs of the Cabbage Patch._" Let there be smoking, but let some
+kind of control be kept on the brands of cigars that are smoked.
+
+_Mr. LLOYD GEORGE._ I am in favour of the extension of all taxable
+luxuries.
+
+_Mr. EUSTACE MILES._ Most London theatres are now so grossly
+over-ventilated that I welcome the idea of tobacco as helping to redress
+the balance.
+
+_Master ANTHONY ASQUITH._ Surely if there is smoking in one house of
+entertainment there may be smoking in another. I am sure my poor father
+would agree.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FEDERAL SOLUTION.
+
+(_See the daily papers_ passim.)
+
+I.
+
+     SIR,--At last a ray of sanity has fallen like oil on the troubled
+     waters of the Irish controversy and has given a well-merited cold
+     douche to the extremists on either side. It is now acknowledged
+     that what for want of a better term I may call the Federal Solution
+     holds the field, and any attempt to expel it will only plunge the
+     objector still deeper in the mire and cover him with ridicule from
+     head to foot.
+
+     Long ago I adumbrated in the clearest possible way the fundamental
+     outlines of this solution, and every hour which has passed has only
+     sufficed, to strengthen a conviction which was already so deeply
+     rooted as to be beyond the reach of hostile argument. What is now
+     required to be done may be stated in a nutshell. Let the Government
+     withdraw the present Home Rule Bill. They will thus dispose at once
+     of the opposition of Mr. BONAR LAW, Sir EDWARD CARSON, Mr. J. L.
+     GARVIN and Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, and will provide themselves with a
+     clean slate, which will be a peg on which any subsequent plan may
+     be hung. Then let them bring in a Bill (or four or more Bills, if
+     deemed necessary) for conferring autonomous governments on all the
+     counties of England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales, every county to
+     have the option of excluding itself for a period of not less than
+     fifty or more than a hundred years by a majority of two-thirds of
+     its electorate, women to count as two on a division. At the same
+     time let the House of Lords be so reconstituted as to become in
+     truth an Imperial Legislature, subject, however, to the veto of a
+     new and impartial body to be composed of Field-Marshals,
+     Archbishops, Judges and retired Lieutenant-Governors. Our Oversea
+     Dominions could come into this scheme at any moment, if so desired.
+     To this plan I can see no objections whatever except, perhaps, that
+     its execution will take time and will stand in the way of other
+     legislation--but anything that is worth doing takes time, and, for
+     my own part, I want no other legislation.
+
+                                         Yours, etc.,
+
+                                                   JAMES B. HORNBLOWER,
+                                                   Organising Secretary,
+                                              Society of Federationists.
+
+II.
+
+(_In answer to the above._)
+
+     SIR,--Dr. Hornblower is at his old games. His plan for settling the
+     Irish question is no plan at all, as I have frequently shown.
+     Whenever it has been submitted to the fire of criticism it has been
+     found that it will not wash. It is quite useless to try to mix oil
+     and vinegar in a jug that will not hold water.
+
+     I do not wish to be misunderstood. I am a convinced supporter of a
+     Federal Solution and have for many years endeavoured to remove the
+     public apathy which I have found to exist in regard to this
+     profoundly interesting question. My suggestion is that, in order to
+     sift the matter thoroughly and, if possible, to strike out a new
+     path, we should put our existing constitution into the melting pot
+     and thus clear away the weeds which threaten to choke its fair
+     growth. Let Parliament be a movable institution, sitting for one
+     week in Australia, for one week in Canada, for one week in Ireland,
+     and so on. In the course of a year it will have sat in all the
+     component parts of the Empire, which will then, indeed, be an
+     Empire on which the sun never sets, and in which Parliament always
+     sits. It need not, of course, be the same Parliament in every case,
+     but can be varied, to suit local customs and prejudices. As a
+     symbol of unity His Majesty the King might be conveyed by a special
+     service of air-ships from one country to another, so that he might
+     always open every Parliament in person. England, Scotland, Ireland
+     and Wales would thus take their proper places in the Empire by the
+     side of Barbados, Canada and British Guiana, and there would be no
+     jealousy because all would be treated equally. Only in this way can
+     civil war be avoided and Ulster be satisfied.
+
+                                         Yours, etc.,
+
+                                                      BENJAMIN WOOLLET,
+                                     Chairman of the Amalgamated League
+                                      for the Federation of the Empire.
+
+III.
+
+(_In answer to the two preceding letters._)
+
+     SIR,--Professor Woollet and Dr. Hornblower are both wrong. The only
+     way in which a Federal Solution, such as we all desire, can be
+     brought about is to convert the existing House of Lords--no change
+     being made in its constitution--into the supreme and only
+     legislative assembly of the whole Empire. The House of Commons, of
+     course, would cease to sit, or it might take the place of the
+     present London County Council. This is the true plan. All others
+     are absurd. It is useless for people to say they do not want this.
+     We insist on their having it.
+
+                                         Yours, etc.,
+
+                                                     JONATHAN FIREDAMP,
+                                            President of Council of the
+                                                   Federal Association.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MYTH OF BOND STREET.
+
+(_The latest thing in female head-wear is said to be the "Minerva"
+Hat._)
+
+  Forgive me if my nerves were somewhat shaken;
+    Pardon me if my pulse went pit-a-pat
+  When I observed your tiny head had taken
+          To a "Minerva" hat.
+
+  Love at my heart's closed door, with loudest knockings,
+    Won his admittance as I gazed on you
+  Garbed in the gear of her, of all blue-stockings,
+          The most superbly blue.
+
+  For you seemed nobler far in form and feature;
+    In wisdom, too, I deemed you now divine,
+  And, though I felt myself a worthless creature,
+          I swore to make you mine.
+
+  I said, "I'll win this goddess. Though the siege is
+    Long, I shall learn her wisdom if I can,
+  Until in time she throws her nuptial aegis
+          Over her Super-man."
+
+  And then you spoke, in accents all too human,
+    Glanced at me coyly from beneath your casque;
+  My vision vanished, and I saw the woman
+          Behind that heavenly mask.
+
+  And straight I felt (so flippant was your mien) a
+    Pain as I mused on Pallas and her fowl,
+  And left the phantom of a faked Athena,
+          A disillusioned Owl.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Love's Labour Lost.
+
+     "The Newcastle Fire Brigade were called upon last night to deal
+     with an outbreak at----, where Mr. J. G---- carries on business as
+     a firelighter manufacturer. Before much damage had been done, the
+     firemen were able to extinguish the flames with chemicals."
+
+     _Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+Once again we see how the economic instinct clashes with the artistic
+temperament.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A POINT TO POINT IN IRELAND.
+
+_Owner of Rank Bad Horse (who has given the mount to a stranger)._
+"BEGORRA, I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS A FRIEND OF YER HONOUR'S! TELL HIM TO GET
+DOWN OFF THAT HORSE! SHURE, I THOUGHT HE WAS ONLY A ---- SAXON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+A reflection that I could not resist after reading _Love the Harper_
+(SMITH, ELDER) was that the Boy appears in this volume as a very
+indifferent performer upon his instrument. For the muddle into which he
+plunged the amatory affairs of the inhabitants of Downside was terrible.
+Downside was a quiet delightful village, as lovingly described by Miss
+ELEANOR G. HAYDEN, but the number of misplaced attachments it contained
+seemed, as _Lady Bracknell_ once observed, "in excess of that which
+statisticians have laid down for our guidance." There was _John
+Harding_, the hero, who began by courting _Phyllis_, and subsequently
+transferred his suit to _Ruth_. There was _Will_, his brother, an even
+more inconstant lover, whom _Phyllis_ (still nominally betrothed to
+_John_) adored at first sight, and who divided his own heart between
+_Ruth_, _Phyllis_ and the crippled _Miss Mayling_. There was also _Ruth_
+herself, who thought she had a Past (she hadn't, at least it was all
+right really; but just in what sense it would be unfair to explain here)
+and therefore imagined herself for no man. The story begins with a
+wedding on the first page; and what with one thing and another I began
+to fear that this was the last consummation we were likely to get. But,
+of course, in the end---- But I shall not tell you how the couples
+finally re-sort themselves, because this is the author's secret, and one
+that she very craftily preserves till the last moment. It is
+arithmetically inevitable that there must be an odd woman left over in
+the end; but as to her identity I was entirely wrong, and so probably
+will you be. This ending is perhaps the best thing--I don't mean the
+words in an unkind sense--about a pleasant if not very thrilling story
+of a country that Miss HAYDEN evidently knows with the knowledge of
+affection.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Perhaps some of those who remember J. BURGON BICKERSTETH captaining the
+Oxford soccer team four years ago may be surprised to find him serving
+his apprenticeship at sky-piloting in Alberta. And very manfully and
+sincerely and tactfully he does it, to judge by the account which he
+modestly renders in _The Land of Open Doors_ (WELLS, GARDNER). With
+headquarters at Edmonton he rides and drives or swims (when the floods
+are out or the bridges down) across this untidy country from shack to
+shack, holding odd little services in dormitories and kitchens, and
+evidently making friends with the rough pioneer folk, railway men and
+small farmers, of his assorted acquaintance. The discouragements of such
+a task must be immense; indeed, they peep through the narrative,
+reticently enough, for grousing habits are not in the equipment of this
+staunch and cheery young parson. His notes of this land of promise and
+swift achievement are admirably observed. He has the gift of
+characterisation with humour, is clever at reproducing evidently
+authentic and entertaining dialogues, and has caught the Western idiom,
+not only in these set reproductions, but unconsciously in his own
+writing, which is singularly straightforward and attractive, nor
+burdened with the sort of cleverness which the young graduate is apt to
+air. Neither is there anything of the prig in his composition--his book
+abounds in reported words which an earlier generation of clerics would
+certainly have censored--but when he is saddened by the indifference,
+the unplumbed materialism and what he sees as the wickedness of his
+scattered flock he might remember for his comfort that valid and sane
+distinction of the casuists between formal and material sin. Anyway,
+good luck to him for a sportsman!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have often wondered why so few novelists select the English Lake
+District as a fictional setting. I wonder still more after reading
+_Barbara Lynn_ (ARNOLD), in which it is used with fine and telling
+effect. Miss EMILY JENKINSON'S previous story showed that she had a rare
+sympathy with nature, and a still rarer gift of expressing it. _Barbara
+Lynn_ does much to strengthen that impression. It is a mountain tale,
+the scene of which is laid in an upland farm, girt about by the mighty
+hills and the solitude of the fells. Here, in the dour old house of
+Graystones, is played the drama of _Barbara_ and her sister _Lucy_; of
+_Peter_, who loved one and married the other; of the feckless _Joel_,
+and the old bed-ridden great-grandmother, who is a kind of chorus to it
+all. Practically these five are the only characters. Of them it is, of
+course, _Barbara_ herself who stands out most prominently, a figure of
+an austere yet wistful dignity, of whom any novelist might be proud. I
+should hazard a guess that Miss JENKINSON writes slowly; one feels this
+in her choice of words and her avoidance (even in the final tragic
+catastrophe) of anything approaching sensationalism or melodrama. When
+all, is said, however, it is for its descriptions that I shall remember
+the book. The hot summer, with the flocks calling in the night for
+water; the storm on the slopes of Thundergray; and the end of all things
+(which, pardon me, I do not mean to tell)--these are what live in the
+reader's mind. _Barbara Lynn_, in short, is an unusually imaginative
+novel, which has confirmed me in two previous impressions--first, that
+Miss EMILY JENKINSON is a writer upon whom to keep the appreciative eye;
+secondly, that Westmorland must be a perfectly beastly country to live
+in all the year round. Both of which conclusions are sincere tributes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I was at school, some years ago, with two brilliant twins called DUFF,
+who between them captured, amongst other trifles, the Porson, two
+Trinity scholarships, a Fellowship, and first place in the examination
+for the Indian Civil Service. I mention them here as an example of the
+minute care with which ALISTAIR and HENRIETTA TAYLER have compiled _The
+Book of the Duffs_ (CONSTABLE). For I find their names and achievements
+duly recorded in the list of (I should think) every male Duff born of
+the stock of ADAM OF CLUNYBEG, _temp_ 1590, from, whom the present
+Duchess of FIFE is ninth or tenth in descent. And that is only one
+branch of the clan, only one of the numerous family-trees that make
+these two bulky volumes a perfect forest of Duffs. I know now exactly
+how _Macbeth_ felt when he saw Birnam Wood descending on Dunsinane. No
+wonder he exclaimed, "The cry is still, _They come_." When I looked at
+all these genealogies and lifelike portraits I had an appalling vision
+of this great army of Duffs of Clunybeg and Hatton and Fetteresso and
+the rest advancing towards me solemnly waving their family-trees. In the
+van, with his Dunsinane honours thick upon him, marched
+MACDUFF--MACDUFF, you know, who was also "Thane of Fife, created first
+Earl, 1057, _m._ Beatrice Banquo." Then followed a long train of other
+warriors--General Sir ALEXANDER, who fought in Flanders; Captain GEORGE,
+who was killed at Trafalgar; Admiral NORWICH and Admiral ROBERT, also
+contemporaries of NELSON; General PATRICK, who slew a tiger in single
+combat with a bayonet; General Commander-in-Chief Sir BEAUCHAMP of our
+own day--and I was afraid. Not, you understand, of their swords, but of
+their trees. And then suddenly the spirit of _Macbeth_ came upon me
+again. With him I shouted, "Lay on, Macduff; and damn'd be he that first
+cries, _Hold, enough_." But, luckier than he, I have lived to tell the
+tale, or rather to tell about it, and to recommend it to all those who
+have arborivorous tastes. I can promise them that they will heartily
+enjoy a good browse in the Forest of Duff.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a book is called _The Sea Captain_ (METHUEN) I do not think that
+the hero ought to be the driest of dry-bobs for nearly a quarter of it.
+If, however, Mr. H. C. BAILEY is a slow starter he knows how to make the
+pace when he once gets going; indeed, he travels so fast and so far that
+merely to follow him in fancy is a breathless business. When I have told
+you that _Diccon_ belonged to the spacious times of ELIZABETH, I need
+hardly add that his methods of winning fame and fortune on the sea were
+as rough as they were ready. Mercifully he had a steady head and a very
+strong back, or something must have given way under the strain that his
+creator puts upon him. No hero in modern fiction has jumped so
+frequently from the frying-pan into the fire with so little injury to
+himself. But if I cannot altogether believe in _Diccon_ I admit an
+affection for him. He was as loyal a lover and friend as could be found
+in the Elizabethan or any other age, and although he treated troublesome
+men without mercy his behaviour to women was marked by the extreme of
+propriety; so, though you may insist that he was merely a pirate, I
+shall still go on calling him a gentleman-adventurer, and leave him at
+that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR CURIO CRANKS.
+
+THE MAN WHO COLLECTS THE CHALK USED BY FAMOUS BILLIARD-PLAYERS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Barbados Standard_ on an approaching Royal visit:--
+
+     "The visit it is understood is fixed to begin on April 29 and to
+     last until April 25. The visit is probably unprecedented."
+
+It is.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+146, APRIL 15, 1914***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 22940.txt or 22940.zip *******
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