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diff --git a/22905.txt b/22905.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d0aa0e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/22905.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2042 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +April 7, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, April 7, 1920 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: October 6, 2007 [eBook #22905] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 158, APRIL 7, 1920*** + + +E-text prepared by Matt Whittaker, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 22905-h.htm or 22905-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/0/22905/22905-h/22905-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/0/22905/22905-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 158 + +APRIL 7, 1920 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"Do the British people," asks Mr. BLATCHFORD, "understand the nature of the +monster modern military science has created?" We hope to hear later what +name Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL has found for Mr. BLATCHFORD. + + * * * + +Agitation for a Federal Divorce Law is being revived in the United States. +It appears that there are still some backward States where the expenses of +a divorce suit mount up to something like ten dollars and the parties often +have to wait as long as three weeks before the knot is untied. + + * * * + +"It has now been decided definitely," says _The Daily Express_, "that Sir +AUCKLAND GEDDES will leave England on April 10th." This disposes finally of +the rumour that he intended taking it with him. + + * * * + +The natives of the Andaman Islands average about seventy pounds each in +weight. They are so short in stature that their feet only just reach the +ground in time. + + * * * + +M. LOUCHEUR suggests that France should build houses similar to those which +are not being built in England. + + * * * + +"Sergeant R. Pernotte," says a student of human endeavour, "last week +punched a ball for fifty hours without a break." It is presumed that the +ball must have done something to annoy him. + + * * * + +Thirty thousand years ago, says a weekly journal, the seas around England +were at a higher level than at present. It is difficult to know what can be +done about it, but it is just as well that the matter should be mentioned. + + * * * + +According to Mr. M. T. SIMM, M.P., there are many wayside inns of a +passable nature. The trouble, of course, is that so many people have a +difficulty in passing them. + + * * * + +We understand that Mr. Justice ----'s question, "Who is Mr. LLOYD GEORGE?" +has been postponed to a date to be fixed later. + + * * * + +A trade journal advertises a new calculating machine which will total up +stupendous figures without any human help at all. A correspondent writes to +say that in his house he has the identical gas meter which gave the +inventor his idea. + + * * * + +The contemporary which refers to the discovery of a gold ring inside a +cod-fish as extraordinary evidently cannot be aware that many profiteers +who go in for fishing are nowadays using such articles as bait. + + * * * + +A purse containing nearly a hundred pounds in treasury notes, picked up by +a policeman in South Wales, has not yet been claimed. It is now thought +probable that a local miner may have dropped his week's wages whilst +entering his car and that his secretary has not yet called his attention to +the deficit. + + * * * + +"The way some newsboys dodge in and out of the moving traffic is most +dangerous and a serious accident is sure to result before very long," +complains a writer in an evening paper. For ourselves we cannot but admire +this attempt on the boys' part to make history while in the act of selling +it. + + * * * + +We learn from an evening paper that a large woollen warehouse in London was +completely destroyed by fire the other day. We cannot understand why some +people use such inflammable material for building purposes. + + * * * + +An old pleasure-boat proprietor at Yarmouth has stated in an interview +that, although all his skiffs and dinghies are ten to fifteen years old, +they are much more trustworthy than those being built at the present time. +We await, fearfully, the comments of Lord FISHER. + + * * * + +Dutch wasps, says a news item, are very much like British. Only the +finished expert can tell the difference on being stung. + + * * * + +It is said that the Dutch are the most religious race of to-day. Of course +it is well known that the Chinese pray more than the Dutch, but then nobody +understands what they are saying. + + * * * + +The Ascot Fire Brigade went on strike last week and several important fires +had to be postponed at the last moment. + + * * * + +The Bolsheviks, it appears, may not, after all, be as black as they are +painted. It is reported that TROTSKY has caused one of his Chinese guards +to be executed for calling another an Irishman. + + * * * + +Senator BORAH recently informed the American Press that the Presidential +election campaign was becoming a Saturnalia of public corruption. In one +flagrant case it appears that a man who was given the money to buy ten +dollars' worth of Irish Republic went and bought a box of cigars instead. + + * * * + +"To keep cats off the seed beds," says _Home Chat_, "bury a small bottle up +to the neck and fill it with liquid ammonia." The old practice of burying +the cat up to the neck in the seed bedding and keeping the ammonia for +subsequent use is considered obsolete. + + * * * + +During the past year in London 2,886 persons were knocked down by horsed +vehicles, as compared with 8,388 who were knocked down by motor vehicles. +The popularity of the latter, it seems, is still unchallenged. + + * * * + +A weekly paper has an article on "Bad Manners Among Fish." We have +ourselves noticed a tendency to ignore the old adage that fish, like little +children, should be seen and not heard. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNLIKELY SCENE AT THE LABOUR EXCHANGE: OUT-OF-WORK POET +PASSING THE INSPIRATION TEST BEFORE A SUPERVISING OFFICIAL OF THE BOARD OF +TRADE.] + + * * * * * + + "Young lady requires daily work as Cook-general; work not objected + to." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +Very obliging of her. + + * * * * * + +POSSESSION. + +The dear old home has been let to strangers. An interloper occupies the +messuage. A foreign master controls the demesne. + +To-day especially, when as I write the air is balmy and the skies are blue, +it is agonising to feel that our own spring rhubarb is growing crimson only +to be toyed with by alien lips, and that the thrush on our pear-tree +bough----But no, I am wrong; the pear-tree bough is in the garden of No. 9; +it is only the trunk that stands in the garden of No. 10. That, by the way, +is an accident that frequently occurs to estate-owners. Consider critically +for a moment those well-known lines in which BROWNING says-- + + "Hark where my blossom'd pear-tree in the hedge + Leans to the field," + +and then goes on to speak of "the wise thrush" on "the bent spray's edge" +as "singing his song twice over." It is pretty obvious that the reason the +poet assigns to this action on the bird's part is not the correct one. +Evidently the part of the tree on which it was sitting was on the other +side of the hedge in the next-door fellow's garden, and it was +conscientiously trying to allot one performance to each of the two rival +householders. But I seem to have wandered a little from the ancient home. + +Come with me in imagination, reader, and let us have a look at it together. +The fourth house to the left in this winding road that fringes the common, +you see it standing there gazing a little wistfully, yet with a quiet air +of semi-detachment, out over the wide expanse of green. Half right and half +left are two monstrous blocks of red brick flats overlooking it with a +thousand envious eyes. The middle distance is dotted pleasantly with +hawthorn bushes and the pretty pieces of sandwich-paper that are always the +harbingers of London's Spring. Beyond these things, and far away to the +front, you may detect on clear days a white church-tower nestling like +Swiss milk amongst immemorial trees. And this view is mine--mine, like the +old home. If we linger for a moment in the road we shall probably see the +scornful face of the proud usurper at one of the windows calmly enjoying +this view of mine, all unconscious that I, the rightful owner, am standing +beneath. Does it not remind you of the films?-- + +"_Charles Carruthers_, an outcast from his ancestral halls, eyes mournfully +the scene of merry junketing within. _Charles Carruthers_--_blick! +blick!_"--and you see him eyeing mournfully outside--"_blick! blick!_"--and +you see the junketers eating his junket within. + +On looking back in a calmer mood on the lines which I have just written, I +feel it possible that I may have let my emotions run away with me and +conveyed a slightly false impression. I may have suggested that the old +home has belonged to my family since Domesday Book or dear-knows-when or +some other historic date in our island story. That would not be strictly +true. As a matter of fact I have never lived in the house, nor have any of +my relations either. It has belonged to me, to be quite accurate, since +March 25th, 1920, and the interloper was interloping on a short lease when +I bought the long lease over his head. It is also true that by an awkward +and absurd convention I have to restore the old home to the ground landlord +in 1941. But who cares about what is going to happen in 1941? The Coalition +may have come to an end by that time, and the first Labour Government, +under Lord NORTHCLIFFE or Mr. JACK JONES, may be in power. Some bricklayer, +in a mood of artistic frenzy, may have designed the plan of a new brick and +had it passed by the Ministry of Housing. DEMPSEY may have met CARPENTIER. + +No, the trouble is about the interloper. It appears that, having the +remainder of a lease to run, he can go on anteloping (you know what I mean) +for two years more if he likes. To do him justice he admits that the place +is mine and wants to leave it. He has no real love for the priceless old +spot. All that he asks is somewhere better to go to. So I am gladly doing +my best to help him. I send him notices of forty-roomed Tudor mansions, +which seem to abound in the market, mansions with timbered parks, +ornamental waters, Grecian temples, ha-has, gazebos, herds of graceful +bounding gazebos, and immediate possession. I do more than this. I send him +extravagant eulogies of lands across the seas, where the grapes grow +larger, the pear-trees blossom all the year round and separate thrushes +laid on to each estate never cease to sing. I suggest the advantages of the +mercantile marine and a life on the rolling main, of big game shooting, +polar exploration, and the residential attractions of Constantinople, +Berlin, Dublin and Vladivostok. + +Concurrently with this I try hard to cultivate in him a certain distaste +for the dear old home. I walk up and down the road in front of it with a +pair of field-glasses, and, if I see that a little chip has fallen off +anywhere or the paint on the gate has been scratched, I call on him at +once. + +"I happened to be passing the demesne," I say, "when I noticed a rather +serious item of dilapidation," or "A word with you about the messuage; it +looks a trifle off colour to-day. Have you had it blistered lately?" And +this worries him a good deal, because he is responsible for all repairs. + +I do not fail to point out to my friends, either, that this is my +well-known family seat, and I persuade them from time to time to go and ask +for me at the door. "What, isn't he living here _yet_?" I get them to say, +with a well-feigned surprise. "It is his house, isn't it?" I frequently +have letters addressed to myself sent there, and every morning and +afternoon the nurse takes the children past it for a walk. The children are +well drilled. + +"Look, Priscilla, that's our garden," says Richard in a high penetrating +treble; and + +"There's a darlin' little buttercup. I want to go in," Priscilla replies. + +All this quiet steady pressure is bound to have its due effect in time. +Gradually I think he will begin to feel that a shadow haunts the ancestral +halls (the front one, you know, and the back passage), that a footstep not +his own treads behind him on the stair, that the dear old home will never +be happy until it is occupied by its rightful lord. + +I shall send him a marked copy of this article. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +_VERS TRES LIBRE._ + +(_Arabesque on a field of blue_). + + These are the things, or gorgeous or delicate, + Imposing, intime, dazzling or repellent, + That sing--better than music's self, + Better than rhyme-- + The praise and liberty of blue: + The turquoise and the peacock's neck, + The blood of kings, the deeps + Of Southern lakes, the sky + That bends over the Azores, + The language of the links, the eyes + Of fair-haired angels, the + Policeman's helmet and the backs + Of books issued by the Government, + Also the Bird of Happiness (MAETERLINCK) + And many other things such as + The Varsity colours, various kinds + Of pottery and limelight, + Some things by SWINBURNE, BURNS and EZRA POUND, + The speedwell in the glade, and, oh! + The little cubes they put in wash-tubs. + + REFRAIN. + + These are the things, or gorgeous or delicate, + And so on down to "liberty of blue." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OLIVER 'ASKS' FOR MORE." + +MINER. "YOU'LL BE SORRY ONE OF THESE DAYS THAT YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME +NATIONALIZATION." + +PREMIER. "IF YOU KEEP ON LIKE THIS THERE WON'T BE ANY NATION LEFT TO +NATIONALIZE YOU."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Owner._ "SMART LITTLE THING ISN'T SHE?" + +_Friend._ "PITY SHE'S SO UGLY BELOW THE WATER-LINE." + +_Owner._ "OH, WELL, NOBODY WILL SEE THAT." + +_Friend._ "WHAT ABOUT WHEN SHE CAPSIZES?"] + + * * * * * + +TOOLS OF TRADE. + +I am sorry for the man who took his typewriter on the Underground and was +made to buy a bicycle-ticket for it. But I have no doubt he deserved it. I +am sure that he did it in spiritual pride. He was trying to make himself +equal to the manual labourer who carries large bags of tools on the Tube +and sighs heavily as he lays them on your foot. I am sure that he was tired +of being scornfully regarded by manual labourers, and was determined to +make it quite clear that he too had done, or was about to do, a day's +labour, and manual labour at that. It was a sinful motive and it deserved +to be punished; but it was natural. Nowadays we all feel like that. We +caught it from the War, when the great thing was to show that you were +doing more work than anybody else. + +I take from a recent copy of _Hansard_[1] the following brisk and delicate +piece of dialogue:-- + +"Mr. MACQUISTEN: You Labour men have forgotten what sweat is. + +Mr. W. THORNE: I have never seen many lawyers sweat, anyhow. + +Mr. SPEAKER: This discussion is becoming intemperate. + +AN HON. MEMBER: The Hon. Member for Springburn never sweated in his life. + +Mr. MACQUISTEN: Yes, I have laboured in the docks." + +That is it, you see. Sweating is the great criterion of usefulness to-day. +If you cannot show that you have sweated in the past, you must at least +show that you are sweating now, or have every intention of sweating in a +moment or two. Personally, as a private secretary, I find it very +difficult, though I do my best. As a private secretary I labour in a rich +house in the notoriously idle neighbourhood of South Kensington, where +nobody would believe that anybody laboured, much less perspired over it. So +when I pass, on the way to my rich house, a builder's labourer or a milkman +or a dustman, I have to exhibit as clearly as I can all the signs of a +harsh employment and industrial fatigue. I take great pains about this; I +walk much faster; I frown heavily and I look as pale as possible. In the +Tube I close my eyes. I hope all this is effective, but as far as I can see +the milkman never looks at me, and the builder is always saying to another +builder, "'E says to me, 'Wot abaht it?' 'e says, and I says to 'im, 'Yus, +wot abaht it?' I says." But it is worth the effort. + +Well, that is why that poor man was carrying a typewriter. I wonder why +everybody else in the Tube carries an "attache-case." It has been +calculated that if all the attache-cases which get on to the train at +Hammersmith at 9 A.M. were left on the platform, six men or twelve women or +three horses could take their place in every car. That means about ninety +more men or one-hundred-and-eighty more women or forty-five more horses +could leave Hammersmith between 9 A.M. and 9.30. So that if attache-cases +were forbidden the traffic problem would be practically solved. + +Why shouldn't they be forbidden? It depends, of course, on what is inside +the cases; and nobody knows that for certain. But one can guess. I have +been guessing for a long time. At first I thought they were full of very +confidential papers. In the old days the attache-case was the peculiar +trademark of private secretaries and diplomats and high-up people like +that. Even attaches carried them sometimes. The very lowest a man with an +attache-case could be was a First-Class Civil Servant; and one was +justified in imagining confidential papers inside, or, at any rate, +home-work of the first importance. But nowadays there are too many of them +for that. The attache-case has been degraded; it is universal. This might +be because there is practically no male person alive just now who has not +been an adjutant at one time or another, and pinched at least one +attache-case from the orderly-room. But most of the cases in the Tube are +carried by females, so that theory is no good. + +Well, then, I imagined sandwiches or knitting or powder-puffs or tea; but +those also are rotten hypotheses. I have too much faith in the good sense +of my fellow-countrywomen to believe that they would cart a horrible thing +like a cheap attache-case about simply in order to convey a sandwich or a +powder-puff from one end of London to the other. So I had to fall back on +my own experience. + +I know, at any rate, what is inside mine. There are some rather grubby +envelopes which I borrowed from the House of Commons, and some very grubby +blotting-paper from the same source, and either a ream of foolscap or a +quire of foolscap, whichever is which; some pipe-cleaners and a few pieces +of milk-chocolate; and a letter from the Amalgamated Association of +Fish-Friers which ought to have been answered a long time ago; and a +memorandum on Hog-Importing which I am always going to read while waiting +at the station; and a nice piece of thick string with which I have tied a +bowline on a bight; and two broken pencils and some more envelopes; and a +Parliamentary Whip of last year and a stationery bill of the year before; +and several bills of my employer, not to mention a cheque for ninety-seven +pounds which I suppose he would like me to send to the bank; and a great +deal of fluff and a pipe or two and four or five stamped letters which it +is now too late to post. That is all there is in my case. + +But I carry it backwards and forwards, in and out, to and fro, day after +day; and the only time it is ever opened at either end of the journey is +when, in addition to the articles previously mentioned, it contains +bottles. But I do not carry it for the sake of bottles; far from it. I am +one of those men who do not mind going about with a comparatively naked +bottle. I carry it simply because it is the tool of my trade, and because, +if you don't carry a tool of some kind on the Underground, at any moment +you may be taken for an idle rich, if not actually a parasite, who never +sweated in his life. + +And that, I am persuaded, is why everybody else carries theirs. + +But this is a very serious conclusion. It will be a terrible thing if +everyone is going to carry the tools of his trade about with him to show +that he has a trade; the barrister his briefs, the doctor his stethoscope +or his shiny black bag; the butcher his chopper; the dentist--but no, we +cannot have that. There must be other ways. We might wear badges, as we did +in the War, only they would be office badges and trade badges, instead of +regimental badges or discharged badges. Then we should have again the dear +old war-game of trying to read what was on them without being rude. That is +what one really misses in public places in these days of Peace--that and +the uniforms. + +It was easy to make conversation in a restaurant in the old days, when +people kept on coming in in curious uniforms, and the ladies wondered what +they were and the men pretended they knew all about them. But all that is +dead now, and I think these sweat-badges would supply a serious want. + +But what will the author wear? And who will believe that he ever breaks +into beads of perspiration at his labour? + +A. P. H. + +[Footnote 1: February 24th, col. 1638.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Butler_ (_in service of the Earl of Kyloes_), "IS THAT YOU, +MY LORD?" + +_Burglar_ (_full of guile_). "YUS, MATEY."] + + * * * * * + + "CAN EUROPE BE SAVED? + + By LOVAT FRASER." + + _Daily Mail._ + +We don't know; but there can be no harm in his trying. + + * * * * * + +Commercial Candour. + + "Your Soil needs a tonic. Send 2s. 6d. for 40 lb. Ground Lime in a + Government twill bag, worth half the money."--_Local Paper._ + + "Antique Copper Fire-irons and Dogs, almost new."--_Local Paper._ + + * * * * * + +THE PACKET RAT. + + "When I leave this Western Ocean, to the South'ard I will steer, + In a tall Colonial clipper far an' far enough from here, + Down the Channel on a bowline, through the Tropics runnin' free, + When I'm done with this 'ere ocean ... an' when it's done with me. + + "An' I'll run my ship in Sydney, an' then I'll work my way + To them smilin' South Seas Islands where there's sunshine all the day, + An' I'll sell my chest an' gear there as soon's I hit the shore, + An' sling my last discharge away, an' go to sea no more. + + "It's a pleasant time they have there--they've easy quiet lives; + They wear no clothes to speak on; they've a bunch of browny wives; + They're bathin' all the day long or baskin' on the sand, + With the jolly brown Kanakas as naked as your hand. + + "An' I'll lay there in the palm-shade, an' take my ease all day, + An' look across the harbour at the shippin' in the bay, + An' watch the workin' sailormen--the bloomin' same as me + In the workin' Western Ocean afore I left the sea. + + "I'll hear them at the capstan, a-heavin' good an' hard; + I'll hear them tallyin' on the fall or sweatin' up the yard; + Hear them lift a halliard shanty, hear the bosun swear and shout, + An' the thrashin' o' the headsheets as the vessel goes about. + + "An', if the fancy takes me, as it's like enough it may, + For to smell the old ship-smells again an' taste the salt an' spray, + I can take a spell o' pearlin' or a tradin' cruise or two + Where there's none but golden weather an' a sky that's always blue. + + "But I'll do no sailorisin' jobs--I'll walk or lay at ease, + Like a blessed packet-captain, just as lordly as you please, + With a steward for my table an' a boy to bring my beer, + An' a score or so Kanakas for to reef an' haul an' steer. + + "An' when I'm tired o' cruisin', up an' down an' here an' there, + There'll be kind Kanaka women wi' the red flowers in their hair + All a-waiting for to meet me there a-comin' in from sea, + When I'm through with this here ocean ... an' that'll never be! + + "For I'd hear the parrots screamin' an' the palm-trees' drowsy tune, + But I'd want the Banks in winter an' the smell of ice in June, + An' the hard-case mates a-bawlin', an' the strikin' o' the bell ... + God! I've cursed it oft an' cruel ... but I'd miss it all like Hell. + + "Yes, I'd miss the Western Ocean where the packets come an' go, + An' the grey gulls wheelin', callin', an' the grey sky hangin' low, + An' the blessed lights o' Liverpool a-winkin' through the rain + To welcome us poor packet-rats come back to port again. + + "An' if I took an' died out there my soul'd never stay + In them sunny Southern latitudes to wait the Judgment Day, + For acrost the seas from England, oh, I'd hear the old life call, + An' the bloomin' Western Ocean it'd get me after all. + + "I'd go flyin' like a seagull, as they say old shellbacks do, + For to see the ships I sailed in an' the shipmates that I knew, + An' the tough old North Atlantic where the roarin' gales do blow, + An' the Western Ocean packets all a-plyin' to an' fro. + + "An' I'd leave the trades behind me an' I'd leave the Southern Cross, + An' the mollymawks an' flyin'-fish an' stately albatross, + An' I'd come through wind an' weather an' the fogs as white as wool, + Till I sighted old Point Lynas an' the Port o' Liverpool. + + "An' I'd fly to some flash packet when the hands was bendin' sail, + An' I'd set up on the main-truck doin' out my wings an' tail, + An' I'd see the tug alongside an' the Peter flyin' free, + An' the pilot come aboard her for to take her out to sea. + + "An' I'd follow down to Fastnet light, an' then I'd hang around + There to watch 'em out to westward an' to meet the homeward bound, + For I know it's easy talkin', an' I know when all is said + It's the bloomin' Western Ocean what'll get me when I'm dead!" + +C. F. S. + + * * * * * + +ETIQUETTE FOR FIRES. + +It seems that Mr. A. R. DYER, the Chief Officer of the London Fire Brigade, +has issued a booklet giving hints on fire protection and also how to call +the Fire Brigade. We have pleasure in giving a few points which we are sure +are not included in this interesting and useful publication. + + * * * * * + +Before sending for the Fire Brigade it is advisable to make quite sure that +you have a fire in the house to offer them. But do not adopt the old plan +of waiting until it reaches the second-floor. This is rather apt to +discolour the wall-paper. + + * * * * * + +Above all the householder who intends to have a fire in his house must keep +calm. Immediately the maid rushes into the room to say that the kitchen is +on fire, place the book you are reading on the table, remove your slippers +and put on a thick pair of heavy boots and a Harris tweed shooting coat. +Your next duty is to call the Fire Brigade, and not to meddle with the fire +yourself, for very often an amateur completely spoils a fire before the +Brigade arrives. + + * * * * * + +When you see the Brigade engine dashing along the road don't stop it and +offer to show the driver a short cut. And when they start work do not worry +the firemen by telling them how to do it better. After all, while it may be +your house, it is their fire. + + * * * * * + + "TO SEVERAL INTERESTED.--Our editor, Mr. ---- is not an Englishman his + name is a pseudonime.--English ortograhist. Our setters do not yet + speak English at all, be assured that we will do sur best to escape + the errata in the nearest future." + + _The World's Trade (Budapest)._ + +We take their word for it but are not sanguine. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +A MODERN PORTRAIT-PAINTER AND HIS "PATRONS."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. ----, THE GREAT CINEMA ACTOR, WHILE STAYING IN THE +COUNTRY INCOGNITO, IS ASKED BY THE MANAGER OF THE PUMPLEFIELD FILM COMPANY +TO HELP MAKE A CROWD.] + + * * * * * + +PARTY TACTICS. + +It began with my reading an article on "How to be a Success at an Evening +Party." I was rather surprised to know that, for one thing, some knowledge +of Spiritualism is necessary to enable one to be a popular entertainer +nowadays. It has never struck me before that spiritualists were such a +genial class, full of _bonhomie_ and great joy; but then, although I read +the Sunday papers, I'm afraid I don't know enough about the subject. + +Even if we haven't got the rollicking boisterous temperament of the born +spiritualist, however, there are, it seems, other ways of winning a mild +popularity. "If you confess to only a slight knowledge of palmistry," the +article continued, "it is often enough to make you the centre of interest +at once." + +This appealed to me strongly. I like to be the centre of interest. So I +bought a handbook on palmistry and, having absorbed it, set out for my next +party full of confidence. + +Surely enough, the first thing I saw on arrival was a dank-looking man +holding forth on Spiritualism, and enjoying what I should call a chastened +vogue with most of the company gathered about him. + +I took up my position on the fringe of the group. "Talking of psychics, the +occult and all that sort of thing," I remarked carelessly, "isn't +cheiromancy an interesting study?" + +"Nasty sort of study, I should call it," murmured one of the company, +evidently under a vague impression that it had something to do with feet. +My hostess looked up sharply. "Cheiromancy," she repeated; "can you read +the hand?" + +"Only a little," I confessed modestly. "Just enough to----" + +I don't quite know how it happened. There was a sort of flank and rear +movement and the entire company, excepting, of course, the dank +spiritualist, precipitated itself on me. Voices clamoured for me to +foretell destinies. Hands were thrust before me. They eddied, surged and +swirled about me. I never saw such a massed quantity of hands. It was like +leaving a Swiss hotel in the height of the season. + +"One at a time, please," I said limply. + +I seized a palm, followed it up, and found that it belonged to a pinched +sour-looking female. Her character was stamped on her face as well as on +her hand. If, however, I had said to her, "Yours is a flaccid repressed +disposition you have a lack of imagination and a total absence of humour; +your life is too narrow and self-centred to be of the least interest to +anyone," she might not have liked it. You see, with even a slight knowledge +of palmistry you soon find out when reading hands that it's no use telling +people the truth. They want a version which I can only describe as +"garbled." + +Accordingly I bent over the repressed female's hand with an air of +profundity and said, "There being a total absence of the mounts of Mercury +and the Sun, a calm and even nature is indicated." (You're nearly always +safe in saying this.) "Your sense of order and of the fitness of things +would not allow you to see any fun in the joke of, say, pulling away a +chair from anyone about to sit down. In fact you would not see a joke in +anything--like that," I added hastily, and gave her hand back, feeling I +had made the best of a bad job. + +But she still lingered. + +"Does it show if I shall----?" She paused in embarrassment. + +"Get married?" I asked, knowing human nature better than palmistry. + +She looked so fiercely eager, with such a vivid light of hope in her eye, +that I decided to award her a husband on the spot. + +"The Hepatica line, being allied to the line of Fate," I said impressively +"signifies that you will marry--late in life." + +The press around me at once grew terrific. All the girls said, "Tell me if +I'm going to get married;" and all the men remarked, "Of course it's utter +rubbish," and were more eager about it than the girls. I became reckless. I +worked my way steadily through the crowd, doling out husbands with an +unsparing hand. And it was just when I was beginning to feel a little tired +of the game that my enemy was delivered into my hands. + +We were not on visiting or even speaking terms; we were indeed the most +implacable foes. But that did not prevent the woman from shamelessly +thrusting herself before me and saying gushingly, "Do tell me what you see +in my hand." + +I looked at her, and before my searching glance even her brazen face fell. +Six months previously that creature had stolen Wilkins, the best cook I +ever had. Mere man may not understand the enormity of this offence; but +every woman knows there is no crime more heinous, more despicable, more +unforgivable. She might find it in her heart to condone larceny, think +lightly of arson, or even excuse murder; but there is not one who would +extend even a deathbed pardon to the person who had robbed her of a +treasured servant. + +And Wilkins had been a treasure indeed. It brought the tears to my eyes +when I thought of her exquisite _omelettes aux rognons_, her salads, her +_poularde a la gelee_, her wide diversity of knowledge regarding _entrees_ +and savouries. With a hard and bitter smile I settled down to interpret the +hand of the woman before me. + +The company gathered closer round us and I noticed that Mrs. B., the +particular friend of my enemy, bent affectionately over her with truly +feminine expectation of "revelations." And from under the scarf which my +enemy wore about her arms and shoulders she seemed, I thought, to project +her hand rather timidly. Perhaps she realised too late what was in store +for her. + +I was quite dignified about it; I want you to understand that. Many +another, seeing that creature so plump and well-fed and knowing the reason, +would have broken out into vituperation. But my tactics were more subtle. +My manner, as I studied her palm, was at first nonchalant, even urbane. +Then I gave a start and faltered, "I--I suppose you wish me to tell you the +truth?" + +A frightened look came into her eyes which, I noted with satisfaction, were +beginning to show tinges of yellow (Wilkins' only fault is that in some of +her dishes she is over-liberal with the salad oil and high seasonings). "Of +course I want to know the truth," said my victim faintly. + +With an apparent air of diffidence I began my recital. I did not spare her +in the smallest degree. I ascribed to her all those sinister +characteristics I had read about in the handbook; and, when I suddenly +remembered a delicious _vol-au-vent_ upon which I had doted, I added a few +of my own. + +It was a terrible indictment. When I had finished an awed silence fell upon +the gathering. Everybody waited breathlessly for the victim to speak. + +"That was most interesting," she said with a sinister laugh. "But perhaps +you will read _my_ palm now. You see, it was Mrs. B.'s that you have just +read. She slipped her hand through under my scarf." + +There was a burst of laughter from everybody. Idiotic kind of joke, I call +it. + +I can assure the writer of the Sunday articles that a knowledge of +palmistry does not necessarily make one popular. + +I am now wondering where you can buy hand-books on spiritualism. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Philosopher_ (_who has been mistaken for the football_). +"THANK 'EVING THE CRICKET SEASON'LL SOON BE 'ERE!"] + + * * * * * + + "It is proposed that the family man shall be dealt with on a flat + rate. Every wife will confer exemption on L100 of + income."--_Spectator._ + +Surely our revered contemporary does not imply that the new Income Tax +proposals will encourage polygamy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE. + +_Polite Passenger._ "DO YOU MIND SMOKING, MADAM?" + +_Old Lady._ "NOT AT ALL. I'LL SMOKE WITH PLEASURE IF THEY'RE GYPPIES. CAN'T +_STAND_ GASPERS."] + + * * * * * + +THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS UNION. + +AN APPEAL TO ALL MEN OF GOOD WILL. + +The League of Nations Union is engaged in a campaign for the purpose of +making the objects of the League of Nations better understood in the +country at large. The chief danger that threatens the League is to be found +in the apathy or unconsidered scepticism of the public; almost the sole +active opposition comes from those who would substitute for it a +proletarian Internationale devoted to the interests of one class only in +the world, and from certain reactionaries who favour a return to the system +of imperialism which was the cause of the War. In the words of HIS MAJESTY +THE KING, "We fought to gain a lasting Peace and it is our supreme duty to +take every measure to secure it. For that nothing is more essential than a +strong and enduring League of Nations. The Covenant of Paris is a good +foundation, well and truly laid. But it is and can be no more than a +foundation. The nature and strength of the structure to be built upon it +must depend on the earnestness and sincerity of popular support." + +To those, if any, who contend that the Government should be left to carry +out its own propaganda for the League of Nations the obvious answer is that +it is necessary for this work to be done by an independent body which can +bring public pressure to bear upon the Government of the day and urge such +amendments in the machinery and constitution of the League as time and +experience may show to be desirable. The Union, in fact, bears to the +League of Nations the same relation that the Navy League bears to the +Senior Service; it is an independent body organised to educate opinion in +the needs of a national cause. + +Since its inception in January of this year the activities of the League +have covered a wide range, which embraces organisation for the +administering of territory under its trusteeship, and for the consideration +of international questions relating to transit, finance, labour and health. +America's repudiation (only temporary, it may be hoped) of the pledges of +her own President, the original and chief advocate of the League of +Nations, has meanwhile thrown upon Great Britain the main burden of +responsibility in the Councils of the League, a fact that constitutes an +overwhelming claim upon the patriotism of British citizens. The duty of +bringing this claim home to the public has been taken up by the League of +Nations Union, under the Presidency of Lord GREY OF FALLODON. It has +already established a headquarters and a staff of experts; organised +hundreds of meetings throughout the country, and inaugurated nearly two +hundred branches. It publishes two periodicals and many pamphlets and is +preparing educational text-books; it is taking part in an international +conference with similar voluntary societies in other countries. + +Clearly such work cannot be carried on without generous support. The sum +for which the League of Nations Union appeals--a million pounds--may sound +large, but it represents only the cost of four hours of the War, and is not +much to ask as an insurance against another and yet more terrible war. + +Mr. Punch very earnestly begs his readers to send contributions in aid of +this great and necessary work to the Hon. Treasurer of the Fund (Sir BRIEN +COKAYNE, late Governor of the Bank of England), addressed to THE LEAGUE OF +NATIONS UNION, 22, Buckingham Gate, S.W. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOPE OF THE WORLD. + +PEACE. "THIS IS MY TEMPLE AND YOU ARE ITS PRIESTESS. GUARD WELL THE SACRED +FLAME." + +(The objects and needs of the League of Nations Union are set out on the +opposite page.)] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, March 29th._--During a brief sitting the Lords got through a good +deal of business. The Silver Coinage Bill awakened Lord CHAPLIN'S +reminiscences of his bimetallic days, when he was accused by Sir WILLIAM +HARCOURT of trying to stir up mutiny in India. Undeterred by this warning, +however, the Peers gave a Second Reading to the measure and also to the +Coal Mines Emergency Bill, which is less up-to-date than it sounds, and +deals not with the present emergency but with the last emergency but one. +They also passed the Importation of Plumage Bill, at the instance of Lord +ABERDEEN, who pleaded that beautiful birds, "the result of myriads of years +of evolution," should not be exterminated to make a British matron's +picture-hat. + +[Illustration: _Mr. MACPHERSON._ "WITH ALL THESE CHERUBS GOING FOR MY KITE +FULL BLAST IT LOOKS AS IF I MIGHT KEEP THE THING FLYING." + +LORD ROBERT CECIL. CAPTAIN REDMOND. + +MESSRS. CLYNES AND ASQUITH.] + +A few noble lords tore themselves away from these entrancing topics to +attend the opening of the debate in the Commons on the Government of +Ireland Bill. They were ill-rewarded for their pains, for never has a Home +Rule debate produced fewer interesting moments. The CHIEF SECRETARY was so +studiously restrained in explaining the merits of the Bill that the +"yawning chasm" which, according to its opponents, the measure is going to +create between Southern and Northern Ireland was to be observed in advance +on the countenances of many of his listeners. Years ago Mr. BALFOUR told +the Irish Nationalists that Great Britain was not to be bored into +acceptance of Home Rule; but I am beginning to doubt now whether he was +right. If the Government get the Bill through it will be due more to John +Bull's weariness of the eternal Irish Question than to any enthusiastic +belief in the merits of this particular scheme. Hardly anyone off the +Treasury Bench had a good word to say for it, but fortunately for its +chances their criticisms were often mutually destructive. + +Mr. CLYNES moved its rejection. From his remark that Irish respect for the +law was destroyed in 1913, and that the present Administration was regarded +as "the most abominable form of government that had ever ruled in Ireland," +I should gather that he has only recently begun his researches into Irish +history and Irish character, and is working backwards. His prescription was +to cease governing Ireland by force and leave her to frame her own +constitution. + +Lord ROBERT CECIL agreed with Mr. CLYNES in regarding it as a very bad +Bill, but there parted company with him. In his view the deterioration of +Ireland began in 1906, when the era of "firm government" came to an end. +Drop coercion by all means, but "let the murderers begin." As for forcing +self-government on a country that rejected it, that was nonsense. + +As "a citizen of the world," and not merely an Irishman, Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR +denounced the Bill _urbi et orbi_. Nobody in Ireland wanted it unless it +was the place-hunters of the Bar and the Press, for whom it would provide +rich pickings. + +The House was brought back from rhetoric to plain fact by the CHANCELLOR OF +THE EXCHEQUER'S reminder that if the Bill were not passed the Home Rule Act +of 1914 would come into force. He hoped that Southern Ireland would recover +its sanity, accept the Bill and set itself to persuade Ulster into an +All-Ireland Parliament _via_ the golden bridge of the Irish Council. + +Captain CRAIG could not imagine that happening in his lifetime. To his mind +the only merit of the Bill was that it safeguarded Ulster against Dublin +domination. + +_Tuesday, March 30th._--Someone--I suspect a midshipman--has been telling +Mr. BROMFIELD that five British Admirals have been sent to Vienna to +supervise the breaking up of the Austrian Fleet, and that the said Fleet +now consists of three motor-boats. He was much relieved to hear from Mr. +HARMSWORTH that only one Admiral had been sent, and that the disposal of a +Dreadnought, several pre-Dreadnoughts and sundry smaller craft will give +him plenty to do. + +There appears to be a shortage of ice in Hull. It is supposed that the +Member for the Central Division (Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY) has not cut so +much as he expected. + +The debate on the Home Rule Bill was resumed in a much higher temperature +than that of yesterday. Mr. ASQUITH, as he thundered in carefully-polished +phrases against the "cumbrous, costly, unworkable scheme," earned many +cheers from his followers, and the even greater tribute of interruptions +from his opponents. For a moment he was pulled up, when to his rhetorical +question, "What has Home Rule meant to us?" some graceless Coalitionist +promptly answered, "Votes!" but he soon got going again. Ireland, he +declared, was a unit. The Bill gave her dualism "with a shadowy background +of remote and potential unity." The vaunted Council was "a fleshless and +bloodless skeleton." He remarked upon "the sombre acquiescence of the +Ulstermen," and wondered why they had accepted the Bill at all. "Because we +don't trust _you_," came the swift reply from Sir EDWARD CARSON. + +Mr. ASQUITH'S own remedy for Irish unrest was to take the Act of 1914 and +transform it into something like Dominion Home Rule. Any county--Ulster or +Sinn Fein--that voted against coming under the Dublin Parliament should be +left under the present administration. + +Mr. BONAR LAW did not fail to point out the inconsistency of condemning the +Government scheme for its complexity and then immediately proposing another +which would involve not one but a dozen partitions and make the political +map of Ireland look like a crazy quilt. He advised the House to reject Mr. +ASQUITH'S advice and pass the Bill, even though it should have the +paradoxical result, for the moment, of leaving Nationalist Ireland under +British administration while providing Unionist Ulster with a Home Rule +Parliament for which it has never asked. + +I suppose Mr. DEVLIN is not like the Sinn Feiners, who, according to "T. +P.," are so contemptuous of the Bill that they have never read a line of +it. Parts of his speech, and particularly his peroration, seemed far more +suitable to a Coercion Bill than to a measure which is designed, however +imperfectly, to grant Home Rule to Ireland. The Nationalist leader may be +forgiven a great deal, however, for his inimitable description of Lord +ROBERT CECIL as "painfully struggling into the light with one foot in the +Middle Ages." + +_Wednesday, March 31st._--The third and last Act of the Home Rule drama was +the best. Nothing in the previous two days' debate--not even Mr. BONAR +LAW'S ruthless analysis of the Paisley policy for Ireland--gripped the +audience so intensely as Sir EDWARD CARSON'S explanation of the Ulster +attitude. He declared that the Union had not failed in Ulster, and would +not have failed anywhere if British politicians could have refrained from +bidding for Irish votes. There was no alternative to it but complete +separation, and that was what Home Rule would lead to. Ulster did not want +the Bill, and would not vote for it; but, as the only alternative was the +Act of 1914, she was prepared to accept it as a _pis aller_, and to work +her new Parliament for all it was worth. At least it would enable her to +find schools for the thirty thousand Belfast children now debarred from +education. More than that, he was prepared to co-operate with any men from +Southern Ireland who were willing to work _their_ Parliament in a similar +spirit; and he paid a personal tribute to Mr. DEVLIN, whose courage he +admired though he detested his politics. + +Thus there were gleams of hope even in his otherwise gloomy outlook, as the +PRIME MINISTER gladly acknowledged in winding up the debate; and they +probably had some influence in swelling the majority for the Bill, the +figures being 348 for the Second Reading, 94 against. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "PLEASE, MISTER, CAN I HAVE A PENNORTH OF CAMEL?"] + + * * * * * + +_POISSON D'AVRIL._ + +For the tragedy of which I am about to tell I consider that Brenda Scott is +entirely to blame. You shall judge. + +There is a vacancy in my domestic staff, and the rush to fill it has been +less enthusiastic than I could wish. My housewifely heart leapt, therefore, +when, last Thursday morning, I espied coming up the drive one whom I +classed at once as an applicant for the post of housemaid. Nor was I +deceived. She gave the name of Eliza Smudge, and said she came from my +friend, Mrs. Copplestone. + +My suspicions were first aroused by her extraordinary solicitude for my +comfort. "Outings" were entirely according to my convenience. And when she +added that she liked to have plenty to do, and that she always rose by 6 +A.M., I began to look at her closely. + +She wore a thick veil, and her eyes were further obscured by large +spectacles, but I could discern a wisp of rather artificial-looking hair +drawn across her forehead. And she was smiling. + +Now why was she smiling? I could certainly see nothing to smile at in +rising at six o'clock every morning. + +"I shall be free on 5th of April, ma'am," she was saying. "Let me see, +to-day is the 1st of April----" + +The 1st of April! It came to me then in a flash--in one of those moments of +intuition of which even the mind of the harassed housewife occasionally is +capable. It was Brenda Scott masquerading as a housemaid! + +Our conversation of a fortnight earlier came back to me--Brenda's desire to +disguise herself and apply to Lady Lupin for the post of kitchenmaid, her +confidence in her ability to carry it off successfully, my ridicule of the +possibility that she could pass unrecognised. So now, on the 1st of April, +she was for proving me wrong. + +The disguise was certainly masterly. Had it not been for that unaccountable +smile, and the hair---- + +I did not lose my head. I continued to carry on the conversation on +orthodox lines. Then I said, "Do you know Miss Brenda Scott, who lives near +Mrs. Copplestone?" + +"Oh, yes, I've known her since she was a little girl," was the answer. +"Sweet young lady she is." + +"Ye--es," I said. "A little too fond of practical jokes, perhaps." + +The eyebrows went up almost to the artificial-looking hair, which I had now +decided was horse-hair. + +"Indeed," she said. + +"Yes, my dear Brenda, it is your besetting sin. You should pray against +it," I said bluntly. + +She stood up with an opposing air of surprise and alarm. But I was not to +be deceived. + +"Your assumed name, Eliza Smudge," I said, "gave you away at the start. And +that hair--it is the tail of your nephew's rocking-horse, isn't it? +And----" + +But she had fled from the room and was scudding down the drive, heedless of +my cries of "Brenda, you idiot, come back!" + + * * * * * + +As I watched from the front-door I saw that "Eliza Smudge" had met another +woman in the lane and had engaged her in conversation. + +Then they parted, and the other woman came in at the gate and up the drive. + +"My dear Elfrida," said a well-known voice, "what have you been up to? You +seem to have thoroughly upset that nice woman who was with the Copplestones +so long. She told me you were a very strange lady; in fact she thought you +must be suffering from a nervous breakdown." + +I leaned for support against the door-post, feeling a little faint. + +"Brenda? You?" I gasped. "I thought----" + +"Such a splendid maid she is," Brenda went on. "You'll never find her equal +if you try for ten years." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress._ "TOO MANY WEEDS, WILLIAM." + +_William._ "LET 'EM BIDE, MUM. NOTHING LIKE WEEDS TO SHOW YOUNG PLANTS 'OW +TO GROW."] + + * * * * * + +Eccentric Behaviour of a Cuckoo. + + "The summer-like weather which set in during the week-end has been + marked by the arrival of the cuckoo, which was heard at Shanklin on + Saturday and on Sunday morning at Staplers, bursting into full flower + of plum and pear trees, and general activity in the gardens and + fields."--_Local Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "He (Mr. Asquith) could only say 'O Sanctas Simplicitas.' (Laughter.)" + + _Irish Paper._ + + "I can only say: 'O sanctus simplicitus!'" + + _Yorkshire Paper._ + +Neither version seems to us quite worthy of an ex-Craven Scholar. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"UNCLE NED." + +As the final curtain fell on the Fourth Act there was talk of celebrating +the conversion of the villain in a bottle of the best (1906). But this did +not mean that the good wine of the play had been kept to the end. Indeed it +had been practically exhausted about the middle of the Third Act, and the +rest was barley-water, sweet but relatively insipid. So long as Mr. HENRY +AINLEY was just allowed to sparkle, with beaded bubbles winking all round +the brim of him, everything went well and more than well; the trouble began +when the author, Mr. DOUGLAS MURRAY, remembered that no British audience +would be contented with mere irresponsible badinage, however fresh and +delicate; that somehow he must provide an ending where virtue prevailed and +sentiment was satisfied. + +So, when _Uncle Ned's_ humour had failed to move the brutal egoism of his +brother, beating upon it like the lightest of sea-foam on a rock of basalt, +he was made to fall back upon the alternative of heavy denunciation. And it +was significant that this commonplace tirade drew more applause than all +the pretty wit that had gone before it. Seldom have I been so profoundly +impressed with the difficulties of an art which depends for its success +(financial, that is to say) on the satisfaction of tastes that have nothing +in common beyond the crudest elements of human nature. + +Mr. AINLEY had things all his own way. Between him, the romancer of the +light heart and the free fancy, and his brother, the millionaire tradesman +of the tough hide, there was the clash of temperaments but never the clash +of intellects. ("Nobody with a sense of humour," says _Uncle Ned_, "ever +made a million pounds.") That the man with the iron will should be beaten +at the last with his own weapons, and brought to see the lifelong error of +his ways by a violent philippic that must have surprised the speaker hardly +less than his audience, was the most incredible thing in the play. Indeed +the author was reduced to showing us the results of the bad man's change of +heart and leaving us to imagine the processes, these being worked out in +the interval between two Acts by means of a fortnight's physical collapse, +from which he emerges unrecognisably reformed. + +I cannot praise too warmly the delightfully fantastic and inconsequent +humour of the first half of the play. Often it was the things that Mr. +AINLEY was given to say; but even more often, I think, it was the +incomparable way he said them, with those astonishingly swift and +unforeseen turns of gesture and glance and movement which are his peculiar +gift. Now and then, to remind us of his versatility, he may turn to +sentiment or even tragedy, but light comedy remains his natural _metier_. + +If I have a complaint to make it is that _Uncle Ned's_ studied refusal to +understand from an intimate woman-friend why it was that his elder niece, +who had been privily married, "could no longer hide her secret" (the +reticence of his friend was the sort of silly thing that you get in books +and plays, but never in life) was perhaps a little wanton and caused +needless embarrassment both to the young wife and to us. And one need not +be very squeamish to feel that it was a pity to put into the lips of a mere +child, a younger sister, the rather precocious comment that she makes on +the inconvenience of a secret marriage. The humour of the play was too good +to need assistance from this sort of titillation. + +[Illustration: _Sir Robert Graham_ (_Mr. RANDLE AYRTON_). "MAKE YOURSELF AT +HOME. DON'T MIND ME." + +_Edward Graham_ (_Mr. HENRY AINLEY_). "I DON'T."] + +Mr. RANDLE AYRTON, as the plutocratic pachyderm, kept up his thankless end +with a fine imperviousness; and Miss IRENE ROOKE, in the part of his +secretary, played, as always, with a very gracious serenity, though I wish +this charming actress would pronounce her words with not quite so nice a +precision. Miss EDNA BEST was an admirable flapper, with just the right +note of _gaucherie_. + +As _Mears_, Mr. CLAUDE RAINS was not to be hampered by the methods dear to +the detective of convention; he looked like an apache and behaved, rather +effectively, like nothing in particular. + +The _Dawkins_ of Mr. G. W. ANSON knew well the first duty of a +stage-butler, to keep coming on whenever a stop-gap is wanted; but he had +also great personal qualities, to say nothing of his astounding record of +forty years' service in a house where strong liquor was only permitted for +"medicinal" purposes. + +O. S. + + +"THE YOUNG PERSON IN PINK." + +What the chair-man said about _The Young Person in Pink_ who had been +hanging about the Park every morning for a week was that nowadays you +couldn't really tell. He thought on the whole she was all right. The +balloon-woman was certain that with boots like that she must be a 'ussy; +but then she had refused to buy a balloon. As a matter of fact she +couldn't, being broke to the world. And worse. For she had arrived at +Victoria Station unable to remember who she was or where she came from, +ticketless, a few shillings in her purse. She had murmured "Season" at the +barrier and had taken rooms at the Carlton because she had a queer feeling +she had been there before. Her things had a coronet on them. The rest was a +blank. + +Of course nobody believed her; the women were scornful, the men not quite +nice, till very young _Lord Stevenage_, the one that was engaged to a +notorious baby-snatcher, _Lady Tonbridge_--in a high fever he'd +unfortunately said "Yes"--meets her, and you guess the rest. No, you don't. +You couldn't possibly guess _Mrs. Badger_, relict of an undertaker and now +in the old-clothes line, who has social ambitions. (I must here say in +parenthesis that _Mrs. Badger_ is a double stroke of genius on the part +both of Miss JENNINGS the author and of Miss SYDNEY FAIRBROTHER. You don't +know which to admire most, the things she says [Miss J.] or the way she +says them [Miss S. B.]. Honours divided and high honours at that.) + +_Lady Tonbridge_ had advertised for a clergyman's widow to render some +secretarial service, and the ambitious _Mrs. Badger_ had applied, duly +weeded. Meanwhile the elderly _Lady T._ had seen her _fiance_ and with the +young person in pink, and it was a brilliant and base afterthought to bribe +the clergyman's widow to claim the girl as her long-missing daughter +(invented). Both the young Lord and the young person, too much in love +perhaps to be critical, accept the situation; but you haven't quite got +_Mrs. Badger_ if you think she's the sort of person one would precisely +jump at for a mother-in-law. + +At the supreme moment when _Mrs. B._, after an interview with the whisky +bottle, forgets her part and, lapsing into the mere widow of the +undertaker, gives it to the intriguing _Lady Tonbridge_ in the neck with a +wealth of imagery, a command of slightly slurred invective and a range of +facial expression beyond adequate description, she is perhaps less +attractive in the capacity of mother-by-marriage than ever, even if the +interlude prove the goodness of her heart. But it is just at that moment +that the young person is recognised by her maid. The daughter of the +_Duchess of Hampshire_, no less! So all is well. + +Not that Miss JENNINGS' plot matters. She freely accepts the absurdities +which her bizarre outline demands, but doesn't shirk the pains to make her +situations possible within the pleasantly impossible frame. What is +all-important is that she does shake the house with genuinely explosive +humour. + +If they were Miss JENNINGS' bombs, Miss FAIRBROTHER threw the most and the +best of them with a perfect aim. The rest of the platoon helped in varying +degrees. I hope I don't irretrievably damage Miss JOYCE CAREY'S reputation +as a modern when I say that she looked so pretty and innocent that I don't +believe even sour old spinsters would have doubted her. A charming and +capable performance. Mr. DONALD CALTHROP made love quite admirably on the +lighter note; a little awkwardly, perhaps, on the more serious. Miss SYBIL +CARLISLE handled an unpromising part with great skill. Miss ELLIS JEFFREYS +as the ineffable _Lady Tonbridge_ was as competent as ever, and had a coat +and skirt in the Third Act which filled the female breast with envy. Looks +like a long run. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DRESSING THE PART. + +_Stout Tramp_ (_who has been successful at the last house_). "THIS IS A +NICE 'AT SHE'S GIVEN ME." + +_Partner._ "YUS, IT _IS_ A NICE 'AT; BUT, MIND YOU, IT AIN'T GOT THE +BREAD-WINNIN' QUALITIES OF THE OLD 'UN."] + + * * * * * + + "Art in Washing--with economy.--Ladies desiring personal attention are + invited to apply to ---- Laundry."--_Daily Paper._ + +No "imperfect ablutioner" (_vide_ "The +Mikado") should miss this opportunity. + + * * * * * + + "Fun undiluted and rippling is the main feature of _The Little + Visiters_, and not a single feature of the author's book is lost in + the process of dramatisation."--_Weekly Paper._ + +Except, apparently, the title. + + * * * * * + +The Boat-Race. + +ADVANTAGES ENJOYED BY CAMBRIDGE. + +In complimenting the Light Blues we cannot help calling attention to two +curious facts which may have contributed to their victory, and seem to have +escaped the notice of the Oxford crew. According to _The Weekly Dispatch_ +Mr. SWANN rowed "No. 9 in the Cambridge boat"; and a photograph in _The +Illustrated Sunday Herald_ ("the camera cannot lie") distinctly shows the +Cambridge crew rowing with as many as eight oars on the stroke side. How +many they were using on the bow side is not revealed. + + * * * * * + + "WANTED IMMEDIATELY! + + MEDICAL DOCTOR + + for Joe Batt's Arm and vicinity. Salary two thousand dollars + guaranteed. All specials additional. Address communication to + + ALEX. COFFIN, + Sec. Doctor's Committee." + + _Newfoundland Paper._ + +Even the serious condition of Joe Batt's Arm hardly interests us so much as +the challenge to the world's humourists implied in the Committee's +selection of their secretary. + + * * * * * + +MY ONE ADMIRER. + +Of course my wife had made me go to the bazaar. All men go to bazaars +either because their wives send them, or in search of possible wives. The +men who are never at bazaars are those with humane wives, or the true +bachelors. + +I did not mind the young lady who grabbed my walking-stick and presented me +with a shilling cloakroom ticket, or the other who placed a buttonhole in +my coat (two-and-sixpence), or the third who sprayed me with scent (one +shilling, but had I known of the threatened attack I would have paid two +shillings for immunity), or the fourth, who snatched my rather elderly silk +hat and renovated it, not before its time, with some mysterious fluid +(one-and-ninepence). These are the things one expects. + +But when I faced the stalls I must admit that I trembled. In pre-war days +it was occasionally hinted that bazaar prices were a trifle high. What +would they be now? How could I face the Bazaar profiteer? Sums, reminding +me of schooldays, ran in my head, "If milk be a shilling a quart what will +be the price of a sofa-cushion?" + +As I stood in the centre of the hall I could see that the eyes of the +stall-holders were upon me--cold, horrid, calculating eyes. I could read in +them, "How much has this man got?" I felt that it would be a proper +punishment for war-profiteers if they were sentenced to purchase all their +requirements at bazaars for six months. + +Glancing round the hall in search of a place of refuge I saw a sign, +"Autograph Exhibition--Admission one shilling." A shilling! Why, such a +comfortable hiding-place would have been cheap at half-a-crown. I bolted +for the Autograph Exhibition before a piratical lady, bearing down on me +with velvet smoking caps, could reduce me to pulp. + +A smiling elderly gentleman was in charge. "Hah, you would like to see my +little collection? Certainly, certainly." + +I am not interested in autographs. Most bygone celebrities wrote +undecipherable hands. I have been equally puzzled in trying to read the +handwriting of GUY FAWKES and Mr. GLADSTONE. But this collection was +different. It had letters from nearly every one distinguished in the world +to-day--good, lengthy, interesting, readable letters. + +"How did you contrive to get all these?" I asked the exhibitor. + +"Tact, foresight and flattery, my dear Sir. It would be no use writing to +these people to-day. You'd get ignored, or at best two lines type-written +by a secretary. Now look at that long letter from LLOYD GEORGE about Welsh +nationality and that other from HILAIRE BELLOC concerning the adulteration +of modern beer. You couldn't get them now. My idea is to catch your +celebrity young. When a man produces his first play or novel or book of +poems I write him an admiring letter. You can't lay it on too thick. Ask +him some question on a topic that interests him. It always draws. They are +unused to praise and you catch them before the public has spoilt them. I +card-index all the replies I get. Of course nine out of ten of the people +turn out of no account, but some are sure to come off. You just throw out +the failures and put the successes in your collection." + +At this point I heard our Archdeacon afar off. Our Archdeacon booms--not +like trade, but like the bittern. I heard him booming outside, "My dear +lady, I cannot miss the chance of seeing dear Mr. Fletterby's collection." + +Fletterby! The name was familiar. Long years ago I published +something--don't inquire into the details of my crime--and the sole +response I had from an unappreciative world was a highly eulogistic letter +from one Samuel Fletterby. I remembered the time I had spent in writing him +a lengthy and courteous reply. I remembered that often in my darker days I +had drawn out the letter of Fletterby to encourage me. + +And now! I looked at the collection. It was arranged alphabetically. As I +turned to the initial of my name I framed a dramatic revelation for my +friend Fletterby: "That writing is familiar to me. In fact, Mr. Fletterby, +I am its unworthy writer." + +But my letter was not included in the collection. + +"Throw out the failures," Mr. Fletterby had said. + +I threw myself out instantly from the Autograph Exhibition. Better, far +better buy things I didn't want at prices I couldn't afford than stay in +the company of that faithless one, my sole erstwhile (as the papers say) +admirer. + + * * * * * + + There was a great athlete named RUDD + Who was born with a Blue in his blood; + Stout-hearted, spring-heeled, + He achieved on the field + What his Varsity lost on the flood. + + But when he had breasted the tape + A cynic emitted this jape: + "Pray notice, old son, + 'Tisn't Oxford that's won, + But Utah, Bowdoin and the Cape." + + * * * * * + +EASTER IN WILD WALES. + +The recent discovery (duly noted in _The Daily Graphic_ of the 30th ult.) +of "seven pearls of excellent quality" by an Aberavon labourer in a mussel +stranded by the tide has led to an extraordinary influx of visitors to that +quiet seaside resort. Costers have been arriving at the rate of several +hundreds a day, attracted by the prospect of finding the raw materials for +the indispensable decoration of their costumes, and the local authorities +are at their wits' end to provide adequate accommodation. Amongst the +latest arrivals is the great architect, Sir MARTIN CONWAY, who has been +consulted with regard to the erection of a number of bungalow skyscrapers, +and an urgent message has been despatched to Sir EDWIN LUTYENS at Delhi, +begging him to supply designs of a suitable character. Meanwhile +pearl-diving goes on day and night on the sea-front, with the assistance of +a flock of oyster-catchers, whose brilliant plumage adds greatly to the +picturesqueness of the scene. + +Though the special good fortune of Aberavon has excited a certain amount of +natural jealousy in the breasts of hotel and boarding-house proprietors at +other Welsh seaside resorts, they have no serious reason to complain. The +usual attractions of Barmouth have been powerfully reinforced by the +presence in the neighbouring hills of a full-sized gorilla which recently +escaped from a travelling menagerie. When last seen the animal was making +in the direction of Harlech, which is at present the head-quarters of the +Easter Vacation School of the Cambrian section of the Yugo-Slav Doukhobors. +It is understood that the local police have the matter well in hand, and +arrangements have been made, in case of emergency, for withdrawing all the +population within the precincts of the castle. + +Great disappointment prevails at Llandudno owing to the refusal of Mr. EVAN +ROBERTS, the famous revivalist, to localise the materialisation of the +Millennium, which he has recently prophesied, at Llandudno during the +Easter holidays. By way of a set-off an effort was made to induce Sir +AUCKLAND GEDDES to give a vocal recital before his departure for America. +As his recent performance at a meeting of the London Scots Club proved, Sir +AUCKLAND is a singist of remarkable power, infinite humour and soul-shaking +pathos. Unfortunately his repertory is confined to Scottish songs, and on +this ground he has been obliged to decline the invitation, though the fee +offered was unprecedented in the economic annals of the variety stage. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE ADVENTURES OF A POST-WAR SPORTSMAN. + +_P.-W.S. at a Hunt Meeting_ (_concluding a passage-at-arms with a member of +the ring_). "I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE TOFFS THAT YOU THINK YOU CAN IMPOSE UPON. +I'M A SELF-MADE MAN, I AM." + +_Bookmaker._ "WELL, I WOULDN'T TALK SO LOUD ABOUT IT. IT'S A NASTY BIT O' +WORK."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Mr. FORREST REID is a writer upon whose progress I have for some time kept +an appreciative eye. His latest story, bearing the attractive title of +_Pirates of the Spring_ (UNWIN), proves, I think, that progress to be well +sustained. As you may have guessed from the name, this is a tale of +adolescence; it shows Mr. REID'S North-Ireland lads differing slightly from +the more familiar home-product, though less in essentials than in tricks of +speech, and (since these are day-school boys, exposed to the influence of +their several homes) an echo of religious conflict happily rare in the +experience of English youth. Mr. REID is amongst the few novelists who can +be sympathetic to boyhood without sentimentalising over it; he has +admirably caught its strange mingling of pride and curiosity, of reticence +and romance and jealous loyalty. The tale has no particular plot; it is a +record of seeming trifles, friendships made and broken and renewed, +sporadic adventures and deep-laid intrigues that lead nowhere. But you will +catch in it a real air of youth, a spring-time wind blowing from the +half-forgotten world in which all of us once were chartered privateers. +There are, of course, worthy folk who would be simply bored by all +this--which is why I do not venture to call _Pirates of the Spring_ +everyone's reading; others, however, more fortunate, will find it a true +and delicately observed study of an engaging theme. + + * * * * * + +I must really warn the flippant. It would be appalling if admirers of +_Literary_ (and other) _Lapses_ were to send blithely to the libraries for +Mr. LEACOCK'S latest and find themselves landed with _The Unsolved Riddle +of Social Justice_ (LANE). And yet I don't know. Here is a subject which +even the flippant cannot long ignore. And a man of the world with a clear +head and a mastery of clearer idiom than a professor of political economy +usually commands has here said something desperately serious without a +trace of dulness. I should like Professor LEACOCK'S short book to be +divided into three. The first part, a trenchant analysis of some of the +evils of our social and industrial system, I would send to the +impossibilists and obstructives; the second, a critical examination of some +of the nostrums of the progressives, should go to the hasty optimists who +think that a sudden change of system will as suddenly change men, for it +contains much that they will do well (and now resolutely refuse) to ponder. +The third part I would return to the author for revision, for it contains +no more, when analysed, than an _ipse dixit_, and quite fails to show that +the evils denounced as intolerable in the first part can be remedied +without some substantial portion at least of the heroic reforms denounced +in his second. Also I would remind him, or rather perhaps the more +ingenuous of his readers, that there have been later contributions to the +theory and practice of new-world building than Mr. BELLAMY'S _Looking +Backward_. + + * * * * * + +_The Great Desire_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is a novel full of shrewd +philosophy and excellent talk. Mr. ALEXANDER BLACK sets out to prove +nothing, to justify no political or social attitude, but just to draw his +fellow-Americans as he sees them going about their war-time business, the +"great desire" being simply the thing that is uppermost in the mind of each +one. As a composite picture of what New York thought about the business of +getting into the War the result could hardly be bettered. One never feels +that latent antagonism which readers, even though they may agree with him, +unconsciously experience towards an author who seems to be arguing a point. +Mr. BLACK gives the extreme views of the blatant patriot, and of the +anarchist and socialist who cannot see the distinction between arguing +against war on paper and arguing against this War on the street corner. He +makes us realise the people who think only how to make the War an adjunct +of themselves and those who desire only to make themselves a useful adjunct +of the War. He draws his types cleverly and states the case of each one +fairly, but with a humorous restraint and from a standpoint of absolute +detachment. _The Great Desire_ has plenty of charm regarded merely as a +story, but I recommend it especially to those who are apt to judge the +Americans by their politicians or to assess New York on the basis of the +HEARST newspapers. + + * * * * * + +If it were only for his complete fearlessness in following well-worn +convention and his apparent reliance on his readers' ignorance or want of +memory, Mr. J. MURRAY GIBBON'S _Drums Afar_ (LANE) would be rather a +remarkable book in these psycho-analytical days. His hero actually has the +audacity to have blue eyes and fair hair, to start his career in the House, +and to end it, so far as the novel is concerned, lying wounded in a +hospital, where his _fiancee_, a famous singer, happened to be a nurse in +the same ward. Nor does the young man disdain the threadbare conversational +_cliche_. "Don't you think there is something elemental in most of us which +no veneer of civilisation or artificial living can ever deaden?" he says in +one place (rather as if veneer were a kind of rat poison). Still bolder, on +leaving America, where he has become engaged to a wealthy Chicagan's +daughter, he quotes-- + + "I could not love thee, dear, so much + Loved I not honour more." + +And, although the girl is annoyed, it is not on account of the citation. +Much of the story, however, deals with Chicago, and since my previous +knowledge of that city could have easily been contained in a tin of pressed +beef I can pardon Mr. GIBBON for being as informative about it as he is +about Oxford colleges. (He seems, by the way, to have a rooted contempt for +Balliol, which I had always supposed was a quite well-meaning place.) On +the whole, either in spite or because of its rather Baedeker-like +qualities, _Drums Afar_ will be found quite a restful and readable book. + + * * * * * + +Somewhere in the course of the tale that gives its title to _The Blower of +Bubbles_ (CHAMBERS) the character who is supposed to relate it denies that +he is a sentimentalist. I may as well say at once that, if this denial is +intended to apply also to Mr. ARTHUR BEVERLEY BAXTER, who wrote the five +stories that make up the volume, a more comprehensive misstatement was +never embodied in print. Because, from the picture on the wrapper, +representing a starry-eyed infant conducting an imaginary orchestra, to the +final page, the book is one riot of sentiment--plots, characters and +treatment alike. Not that, save by the fastidious, it must be considered +any the worse for this; even had not Mr. BAXTER'S hearty little preface +explained the conditions of active service under which it was composed, +themselves enough to excuse any quantity of over-sweetening. I will not +give you the five long-shorts in detail. The first, about a German child +and a young man with heart trouble, shows Mr. BAXTER at his worst, with the +sob-stuff all but overwhelming a sufficiently nimble wit. My own favourite +is the fifth tale, a spirited and generous tribute to England's war effort. +(I should explain that the book, and I suppose the author also, is by +origin Canadian.) This last story, told partly in the form of letters to +his editor in New York by an American officer and journalist, has all the +interest that comes of seeing ourselves as others see us; though I could +not but think that the narrator erred in making the haughty _Lady Dorothy_, +daughter of his noble hosts, exclaim, on the entrance of a footman with a +letter, "Pardon me, it's the mail." So there you are. If you have a taste +for stories that make no pretence of being other than fiction pure and +simple, limpidly pure and transparently simple (yet witty too in places), +try these; otherwise pass. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Pedestrian._ "DROPPED ANYTHING, MISTER?" + +_Motorist._ "YES." + +_Pedestrian._ "WHAT IS IT?" + +_Motorist._ "MY GIRL."] + + * * * * * + + "UTOPIA. + + Miss Ruby ---- Sundayed under the parental."--_Canadian Paper._ + +We congratulate Utopia on its ideal language. + + ++------------------------------------------------------------------+ +| Transcriber's note: | +| | +| Typographical errors corrected: "Ted" for "Ned" and | +| "reelly" for "really" on page 262. | ++------------------------------------------------------------------+ + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +158, APRIL 7, 1920*** + + +******* This file should be named 22905.txt or 22905.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/9/0/22905 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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