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diff --git a/22844-8.txt b/22844-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c16f887 --- /dev/null +++ b/22844-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,729 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman, by +Mary Russell Mitford + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman + +Author: Mary Russell Mitford + +Release Date: October 2, 2007 [EBook #22844] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PHILLY FIRKIN *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +MISS PHILLY FIRKIN, THE CHINA-WOMAN. + +By Mary Russell Mitford + + +In Belford Regis, as in many of those provincial capitals of the +south of England, whose growth and importance have kept pace with the +increased affluence and population of the neighbourhood, the principal +shops will be found clustered in the close, inconvenient streets of the +antique portion of the good town; whilst the more showy and commodious +modern buildings are quite unable to compete in point of custom with the +old crowded localities, which seem even to derive an advantage from the +appearance of business and bustle occasioned by the sharp turnings, the +steep declivities, the narrow causeways, the jutting-out windows, and +the various obstructions incident to the picturesque but irregular +street-architecture of our ancestors. + +Accordingly, Oriel Street, in Belford,--a narrow lane, cribbed and +confined on the one side by an old monastic establishment, now turned +into alms-houses, called the Oriel, which divided the street from that +branch of the river called the Holy Brook, and on the other bounded by +the market-place, whilst one end abutted on the yard of a great inn, +and turned so sharply up a steep acclivity that accidents happened +there every day, and the other _terminus_ wound with an equally awkward +curvature round the churchyard of St Stephen's,--this most strait and +incommodious avenue of shops was the wealthiest quarter of the Borough. +It was a provincial combination of Regent Street and Cheapside. The +houses let for double their value; and, as a necessary consequence, +goods sold there at pretty nearly the same rate; horse-people and +foot-people jostled upon the pavement; coaches and phaetons ran against +each other in the road. Nobody dreamt of visiting Belford without +wanting something or other in Oriel Street; and although noise, and +crowd, and bustle, be very far from usual attributes of the good town, +yet in driving through this favoured region on a fine day, between the +hours of three and five, we stood a fair chance of encountering as +many difficulties and obstructions from carriages, and as much din and +disorder on the causeway as we shall often have the pleasure of meeting +with out of London. + +One of the most popular and frequented shops in the street, and out +of all manner of comparison the prettiest to look at, was the +well-furnished glass and china warehouse of Philadelphia Firkin, +spinster. Few things are indeed more agreeable to the eye than the +mixture of glittering cut glass, with rich and delicate china, so +beautiful in shape, colour, and material, which adorn a nicely-assorted +showroom of that description. The manufactures of Sèvres, of Dresden, +of Derby, and of Worcester, are really works of art, and very beautiful +ones too; and even the less choice specimens have about them a +clearness, a glossiness, and a nicety, exceedingly pleasant to look +upon; so that a china-shop is in some sense a shop of temptation: and +that it is also a shop of necessity, every housekeeper who knows to her +cost the infinite number of plates, dishes, cups, and glasses, which +contrive to get broken in the course of the year, (chiefly by that +grand demolisher of crockery ware called Nobody,) will not fail to bear +testimony. + +Miss Philadelphia's was therefore a well accustomed shop, and she +herself was in appearance most fit to be its inhabitant, being a trim, +prim little woman, neither old nor young, whose dress hung about her in +stiff regular folds, very like the drapery of a china shepherdess on a +mantel-piece, and whose pink and white complexion, skin, eyebrows, eyes, +and hair, all tinted as it seemed with one dash of ruddy colour, had the +same professional hue. Change her spruce cap for a wide-brimmed hat, and +the damask napkin which she flourished in wiping her wares, for a china +crook, and the figure in question might have passed for a miniature of +the mistress. In one respect they differed The china shepherdess was a +silent personage. Miss Philadelphia was not; on the contrary, she was +reckoned to make, after her own mincing fashion, as good a use of her +tongue as any woman, gentle or simple, in the whole town of Belford. + +She was assisted in her avocations by a little shopwoman, not much +taller than a china mandarin, remarkable for the height of her comb, and +the length of her earrings, whom she addressed sometimes as Miss Wolfe, +sometimes as Marianne, and sometimes as Polly, thus multiplying the +young lady's individuality by three; and a little shopman in apron +and sleeves, whom, with equal ingenuity, she called by the several +appellations of Jack, Jonathan, and Mr. Lamb--mister!--but who was +really such a cock-o'-my-thumb as might have been served up in a tureen, +or baked in a pie-dish, without in the slightest degree abridging his +personal dimensions. I have known him quite hidden behind a china jar, +and as completely buried, whilst standing on tip-toe, in a crate, as the +dessert-service which he was engaged in unpacking. Whether this pair +of originals was transferred from a show at a fair to Miss Philips +warehouse, or whether she had picked them up accidentally, first one and +then the other, guided by a fine sense of congruity, as she might match +a wineglass or a tea-cup, must be left to conjecture. Certain they +answered her purpose, as well as if they had been the size of Gog and +Magog; were attentive to the customers, faithful to their employer, and +crept about amongst the china as softly as two mice. + +The world went well with Miss Philly Firkin in the shop and out. She won +favour in the sight of her betters by a certain prim, demure, simpering +civility, and a power of multiplying herself as well as her little +officials, like Yates or Matthews in a monopolologue, and attending to +half-a-dozen persons at once; whilst she was no less popular amongst her +equals in virtue of her excellent gift in gossiping. Nobody better loved +a gentle tale of scandal, to sweeten a quiet cup of tea. Nobody evinced +a finer talent for picking up whatever news happened to be stirring, or +greater liberality in its diffusion. She was the intelligencer of the +place--a walking chronicle. + +In a word, Miss Philly Firkin was certainly a prosperous, and, as times +go, a tolerably happy woman. To be sure, her closest intimates, those +very dear friends, who as our confidence gives them the opportunity, are +so obliging as to watch our weaknesses and report our foibles,--certain +of these bosom companions had been heard to hint, that Miss Philly, who +had refused two or three good matches in her bloom, repented her of this +cruelty, and would probably be found less obdurate now that suitors had +ceased to offer. This, if true, was one hidden grievance, a flitting +shadow upon a sunny destiny; whilst another might be found in a +circumstance of which she was so far from making a secret, that it was +one of her most frequent topics of discourse. + +The calamity in question took the not un-frequent form of a next-door +neighbour. On her right dwelt an eminent tinman with his pretty +daughter, two of the most respectable, kindest, and best-conducted +persons in the town; but on her left was an open bricked archway, +just wide enough to admit a cart, surmounted by a dim and dingy +representation of some horned animal, with "The Old Red Cow" written +in white capitals above, and "James Tyler, licensed to sell beer, +ale, wine, and all sorts of spirituous liquors," below; and down the +aforesaid passage, divided only by a paling from the spacious premises +where her earthenware and coarser kinds of crockery were deposited, were +the public-house, stables, cowhouses, and pigsties of Mr. James Tyler, +who added to his calling of publican, the several capacities of milkman, +cattle dealer, and pig merchant, so that the place was one constant +scene of dirt and noise and bustle without and within;--this Old +Red Cow, in spite of its unpromising locality, being one of the best +frequented houses in Belford, the constant resort of drovers, drivers, +and cattle dealers, with a market dinner on Wednesdays and Saturdays, +and a club called the Jolly Tailors, every Monday night. + +Master James Tyler--popularly called Jem--was the very man to secure and +increase this sort of custom. Of vast stature and extraordinary physical +power, combined with a degree of animal spirits not often found in +combination with such large proportions, he was at once a fit ruler +over his four-footed subjects in the yard, a miscellaneous and most +disorderly collection of cows, horses, pigs, and oxen, to say nothing of +his own five boys, (for Jem was a widower,) each of whom, in striving +to remedy, was apt to enhance the confusion, and an admirable lord of +misrule at the drovers' dinners and tradesmen's suppers over which he +presided. There was a mixture of command and good-humour, of decision +and fun, in the gruff, bluff, weather-beaten countenance, surmounted +with its rough shock of coal-black hair, and in the voice loud as a +stentor, with which he now guided a drove of oxen, and now roared a +catch, that his listeners in either case found irresistible. Jem Tyler +was the very spirit of vulgar jollity, and could, as he boasted, run, +leap, box, wrestle, drink, sing, and shoot (he had been a keeper in +his youth, and still retained the love of sportsmanship which those +who imbibe it early seldom lose) with any man in the county. He was +discreet, too, for a man of his occupation; knew precisely how drunk +a journeyman tailor ought to get, and when to stop a fight between a +Somersetshire cattle-dealer and an Irish pig-driver. No inquest had ever +sat upon any of his customers. Small wonder, that with such a landlord +the Old Red Cow should be a hostelry of unmatched resort and unblemished +reputation. + +The chief exception to Jem Tyler's almost universal popularity was +beyond all manner of doubt his fair neighbour Miss Philadelphia Firkin. +She, together with her trusty adherents, Miss Wolfe and Mr. Lamb, held +Jem, his alehouse, and his customers, whether tailor, drover, or dealer, +his yard and its contents, horse or donkey, ox or cow, pig or dog, in +unmeasured and undisguised abhorrence: she threatened to indict the +place as a nuisance, to appeal to the mayor; and upon "some good-natured +friend" telling her that mine host had snapped his fingers at her as +a chattering old maid, she did actually go so far as to speak to her +landlord, who was also Jem's, upon the iniquity of his doings. This +worthy happening, however, to be a great brewer, knew better than to +dismiss a tenant whose consumption of double X was so satisfactory. +So that Miss Firkin took nothing by her motion beyond a few of those +smoothening and pacificatory speeches, which, when administered to +a person in a passion, have, as I have often observed, a remarkable +tendency to exasperate the disease. + +At last, however, came a real and substantial grievance, an actionable +trespass; and although Miss Philly was a considerable loser by the +mischance, and a lawsuit is always rather a questionable remedy for +pecuniary damage, yet such was the keenness of her hatred towards poor +Jem, that I am quite convinced that in her inmost heart (although being +an excellent person in her way, it is doubtful whether she told herself +the whole truth in the matter) she rejoiced at a loss which would +enable her to take such signal vengeance over her next-door enemy. An +obstreperous cow, walking backward instead of forward, as that placid +animal when provoked has the habit of doing, came in contact with a weak +part of the paling which divided Miss Firkin's back premises from Master +Tyler's yard, and not only upset Mr. Lamb into a crate of crockery which +he was in the act of unpacking, to the inexpressible discomfiture of +both parties, but Miss Wolfe, who, upon hearing the mixture of crash and +squall, ran to the rescue, found herself knocked down by a donkey who +had entered at the breach, and was saluted as she rose by a peal of +laughter from young Sam Tyler, Jem's eldest hope, a thorough Pickle, +who, accompanied by two or three other chaps as unlucky as himself, sat +quietly on a gate surveying and enjoying the mischief. + +"I'll bring an action against the villain!" ejaculated Miss Philly, as +soon as the enemy was driven from her quarters, and her china and her +dependants set upon their feet:--"I'll take the law of him!" And in +this spirited resolution did mistress, shopman, and shopwoman, find +comfort for the losses, the scratches, and the bruises of the day. + +This affray commenced on a Thursday evening towards the latter end of +March; and it so happened that we had occasion to send to Miss Philly +early the next morning for a cart-load of garden-pots for the use of my +geraniums. + +Our messenger was, as it chanced, a certain lad by name Dick Barnett, who +has lived with us off and on ever since he was the height of the table, +and who originally a saucy, lively, merry boy, arch, quick-witted, and +amusing, has been indulged in giving vent to all manner of impertinences +until he has become a sort of privileged person, and takes, with high +or low, a freedom of speech that might become a lady's page or a king's +jester. Every now and then we feel that this licence, which in a child +of ten years old we found so diverting, has become inconvenient in +a youth of seventeen, and favour him and ourselves with a lecture +accordingly. But such is the force of inveterate habit that our +remonstrances upon this subject are usually so much gravity wasted upon +him and upon ourselves. He, in the course of a day or two, comes forth +with some fresh prank more amusing than before, and we (I grieve to +confess such a weakness) resume our laughter. + +To do justice, however, to this modern Robin Goodfellow, there was most +commonly a fund of goodnature at the bottom of his wildest tricks or his +most egregious romances,--for in the matter of a jest he was apt to draw +pretty largely from an inventive faculty of remarkable fertility; he +was constant in his attachments, whether to man or beast, loyal to +his employers, and although idle and uncertain enough in other work, +admirable in all that related to the stable or the kennel--the best +driver, best rider, best trainer of a greyhound, and best finder of a +hare, in all Berkshire. + +He was, as usual, accompanied on this errand by one of his four-footed +favourites, a delicate snow-white greyhound called Mayfly, of whom Miss +Philly flatteringly observed, that "she was as beautiful as china;" and +upon the civil lady of the shop proceeding to inquire after the health +of his master and mistress, and the general news of Aberleigh, master +Ben, who well knew her proficiency in gossiping, and had the dislike +of a man and a rival to any female practitioner in that art, checked at +once this condescending overture to conversation by answering with more +than his usual consequence: "The chief news that I know, Miss Firkin, +is, that our geraniums are all pining away for want of fresh earth, and +that I am sent in furious haste after a load of your best garden-pots. +There's no time to be lost, I can tell you, if you mean to save their +precious lives. Miss Ada is upon her last legs, and master Diomede in a +galloping consumption--two of our prime geraniums, ma'am!" quoth Dick, +with a condescending nod to Miss Wolfe, as that Lilliputian lady looked +up at him with a stare of unspeakable mystification; "queerish names, +a'nt they? Well, there are the patterns of the sizes, and there's the +order; so if your little gentleman will but look the pots out, I have +left the cart in Jem Tyler's yard, (I've a message to Jem from master,) +and we can pack 'em over the paling. I suppose you've a ladder for the +little man's use, in loading carts and waggons, if not Jem or I can take +them from him. There is not a better-natured fellow in England than Jem +Tyler, and he'll be sure to do me a good turn any day, if it's only for +the love of our Mayfly here. He bred her, poor thing, and is well nigh +as fond of her as if she was a child of his own; and so's Sam. Nay, +what's the matter with you all?" pursued Dick, as at the name of Jem +Tyler Miss Wolfe turned up her hands and eyes, Mr. Lamb let fall the +pattern pots, and Miss Philly flung the order upon the counter--"What +the deuce is come to the people?" + +And then out burst the story of the last night's adventure, of Mr. +Lamb's scratched face, which indeed was visible enough, of Miss Wolfe's +bruises, of the broken china, the cow, the donkey, and the action at +law. + +"Whew!" whistled Dick in an aside whistle; "going to law is she? We +must pacify her if we can," thought he, "for a lawsuit's no joke, as +poor Jem would find. Jem must come and speechify. It's hard if between +us we can't manage a woman." + +"Sad affair, indeed, Miss Firkin," said Dick, aloud, in a soft, +sympathising tone, and with a most condoling countenance; "it's unknown +what obstropolous creatures cows and donkies are, and what mischief +they do amongst gim-cracks. A brute of a donkey got into our garden +last summer, and ate up half-a-dozen rose-trees and fuchsias, besides +trampling over the flower-beds. One of the roses was a present from +France, worth five guineas. I hope Mr. Lamb and Miss Wolfe are not much +hurt. Very sad affair! strange too that it should happen through Jem +Tylers cattle--poor Jem, who had such a respect for you!" + +"Respect for me!" echoed Miss Philly, "when he called me a chattering +old maid,--Mrs. Loveit heard him. Respect for me!" + +"Aye," continued Dick, "it was but last Monday was a fortnight that Kit +Mahony, the tall pig-dealer, was boasting of the beauty of the Tipperary +lasses, and crying down our English ladies, whereupon, although the tap +was full of Irish chaps, Jem took the matter up, and swore that he could +show Kit two as fine women in this very street--you, ma'am, being +one, and Miss Parsons the other--two as fine women as ever he saw in +Tipperary. Nay, he offered to lay any wager, from a pot of double X to +half a score of his own pigs, that Kit should confess it himself. Now, +if that's not having a respect I don't know what is," added Dick, with +much gravity; "and I put it to your good sense, whether it is not more +likely that Mrs. Loveit, who is as deaf as a post, should be mistaken, +than that he should offer to lay such a wager respecting a lady of whom +he had spoken so disparagingly." + +"This will do," thought Dick to himself as he observed the softening +of Miss Philly's features and noted her very remarkable and unnatural +silence--"this will do;" and reiterating his request that the order +might be got ready, he walked out of the shop. + +"You'll find that I have settled the matter," observed the young +gentleman to Jem Tyler, after telling him the story, "and you have +nothing to do but to follow up my hints. Did not I manage her famously? +'Twas well I recollected your challenge to Mahony, about that pretty +creature, Harriet Parsons. It had a capital effect, I promise you. Now +go and make yourself decent; put on your Sunday coat, wash your face and +hands, and don't, spare for fine speeches. Be off with you." + +"I shall laugh in her face," replied Jem. + +"Not you," quoth his sage adviser: "just think of the length of a +lawyer's bill, and you'll be in no danger of laughing. Besides, she's +really a niceish sort of a body enough, a tidyish little soul in her +way, and you're a gay widower--so who knows?" + +And home went Dick, chuckling all the way, partly at his own good +management, partly at the new idea which his quick fancy had started. + +About a fortnight after, I had occasion to drive into Belford, attended +as usual by master Richard. The bells of St. Stephen's were ringing +merrily as we passed down Oriel Street, and happening to look up at the +well-known sign of the Old Red Cow, we saw that celebrated work of art +surmounted by a bow of white ribbons--a bridal favour. Looking onward to +Miss Philly's door, what should we perceive but Mr. Lamb standing on the +step with a similar cockade, half as big as himself, stuck in his hat; +whilst Miss Wolfe stood simpering behind the counter, dispensing to her +old enemy Sam, and four other grinning boys in their best apparel, five +huge slices of bridecake. + +The fact was clear. Jem Tyler and Miss Philly were married. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman, by +Mary Russell Mitford + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PHILLY FIRKIN *** + +***** This file should be named 22844-8.txt or 22844-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/8/4/22844/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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