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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman, by
+Mary Russell Mitford
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman
+
+Author: Mary Russell Mitford
+
+Release Date: October 2, 2007 [EBook #22844]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PHILLY FIRKIN  ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+MISS PHILLY FIRKIN, THE CHINA-WOMAN.
+
+By Mary Russell Mitford
+
+
+In Belford Regis, as in many of those provincial capitals of the
+south of England, whose growth and importance have kept pace with the
+increased affluence and population of the neighbourhood, the principal
+shops will be found clustered in the close, inconvenient streets of the
+antique portion of the good town; whilst the more showy and commodious
+modern buildings are quite unable to compete in point of custom with the
+old crowded localities, which seem even to derive an advantage from the
+appearance of business and bustle occasioned by the sharp turnings, the
+steep declivities, the narrow causeways, the jutting-out windows, and
+the various obstructions incident to the picturesque but irregular
+street-architecture of our ancestors.
+
+Accordingly, Oriel Street, in Belford,--a narrow lane, cribbed and
+confined on the one side by an old monastic establishment, now turned
+into alms-houses, called the Oriel, which divided the street from that
+branch of the river called the Holy Brook, and on the other bounded by
+the market-place, whilst one end abutted on the yard of a great inn,
+and turned so sharply up a steep acclivity that accidents happened
+there every day, and the other _terminus_ wound with an equally awkward
+curvature round the churchyard of St Stephen's,--this most strait and
+incommodious avenue of shops was the wealthiest quarter of the Borough.
+It was a provincial combination of Regent Street and Cheapside. The
+houses let for double their value; and, as a necessary consequence,
+goods sold there at pretty nearly the same rate; horse-people and
+foot-people jostled upon the pavement; coaches and phaetons ran against
+each other in the road. Nobody dreamt of visiting Belford without
+wanting something or other in Oriel Street; and although noise, and
+crowd, and bustle, be very far from usual attributes of the good town,
+yet in driving through this favoured region on a fine day, between the
+hours of three and five, we stood a fair chance of encountering as
+many difficulties and obstructions from carriages, and as much din and
+disorder on the causeway as we shall often have the pleasure of meeting
+with out of London.
+
+One of the most popular and frequented shops in the street, and out
+of all manner of comparison the prettiest to look at, was the
+well-furnished glass and china warehouse of Philadelphia Firkin,
+spinster. Few things are indeed more agreeable to the eye than the
+mixture of glittering cut glass, with rich and delicate china, so
+beautiful in shape, colour, and material, which adorn a nicely-assorted
+showroom of that description. The manufactures of Sèvres, of Dresden,
+of Derby, and of Worcester, are really works of art, and very beautiful
+ones too; and even the less choice specimens have about them a
+clearness, a glossiness, and a nicety, exceedingly pleasant to look
+upon; so that a china-shop is in some sense a shop of temptation: and
+that it is also a shop of necessity, every housekeeper who knows to her
+cost the infinite number of plates, dishes, cups, and glasses, which
+contrive to get broken in the course of the year, (chiefly by that
+grand demolisher of crockery ware called Nobody,) will not fail to bear
+testimony.
+
+Miss Philadelphia's was therefore a well accustomed shop, and she
+herself was in appearance most fit to be its inhabitant, being a trim,
+prim little woman, neither old nor young, whose dress hung about her in
+stiff regular folds, very like the drapery of a china shepherdess on a
+mantel-piece, and whose pink and white complexion, skin, eyebrows, eyes,
+and hair, all tinted as it seemed with one dash of ruddy colour, had the
+same professional hue. Change her spruce cap for a wide-brimmed hat, and
+the damask napkin which she flourished in wiping her wares, for a china
+crook, and the figure in question might have passed for a miniature of
+the mistress. In one respect they differed The china shepherdess was a
+silent personage. Miss Philadelphia was not; on the contrary, she was
+reckoned to make, after her own mincing fashion, as good a use of her
+tongue as any woman, gentle or simple, in the whole town of Belford.
+
+She was assisted in her avocations by a little shopwoman, not much
+taller than a china mandarin, remarkable for the height of her comb, and
+the length of her earrings, whom she addressed sometimes as Miss Wolfe,
+sometimes as Marianne, and sometimes as Polly, thus multiplying the
+young lady's individuality by three; and a little shopman in apron
+and sleeves, whom, with equal ingenuity, she called by the several
+appellations of Jack, Jonathan, and Mr. Lamb--mister!--but who was
+really such a cock-o'-my-thumb as might have been served up in a tureen,
+or baked in a pie-dish, without in the slightest degree abridging his
+personal dimensions. I have known him quite hidden behind a china jar,
+and as completely buried, whilst standing on tip-toe, in a crate, as the
+dessert-service which he was engaged in unpacking. Whether this pair
+of originals was transferred from a show at a fair to Miss Philips
+warehouse, or whether she had picked them up accidentally, first one and
+then the other, guided by a fine sense of congruity, as she might match
+a wineglass or a tea-cup, must be left to conjecture. Certain they
+answered her purpose, as well as if they had been the size of Gog and
+Magog; were attentive to the customers, faithful to their employer, and
+crept about amongst the china as softly as two mice.
+
+The world went well with Miss Philly Firkin in the shop and out. She won
+favour in the sight of her betters by a certain prim, demure, simpering
+civility, and a power of multiplying herself as well as her little
+officials, like Yates or Matthews in a monopolologue, and attending to
+half-a-dozen persons at once; whilst she was no less popular amongst her
+equals in virtue of her excellent gift in gossiping. Nobody better loved
+a gentle tale of scandal, to sweeten a quiet cup of tea. Nobody evinced
+a finer talent for picking up whatever news happened to be stirring, or
+greater liberality in its diffusion. She was the intelligencer of the
+place--a walking chronicle.
+
+In a word, Miss Philly Firkin was certainly a prosperous, and, as times
+go, a tolerably happy woman. To be sure, her closest intimates, those
+very dear friends, who as our confidence gives them the opportunity, are
+so obliging as to watch our weaknesses and report our foibles,--certain
+of these bosom companions had been heard to hint, that Miss Philly, who
+had refused two or three good matches in her bloom, repented her of this
+cruelty, and would probably be found less obdurate now that suitors had
+ceased to offer. This, if true, was one hidden grievance, a flitting
+shadow upon a sunny destiny; whilst another might be found in a
+circumstance of which she was so far from making a secret, that it was
+one of her most frequent topics of discourse.
+
+The calamity in question took the not un-frequent form of a next-door
+neighbour. On her right dwelt an eminent tinman with his pretty
+daughter, two of the most respectable, kindest, and best-conducted
+persons in the town; but on her left was an open bricked archway,
+just wide enough to admit a cart, surmounted by a dim and dingy
+representation of some horned animal, with "The Old Red Cow" written
+in white capitals above, and "James Tyler, licensed to sell beer,
+ale, wine, and all sorts of spirituous liquors," below; and down the
+aforesaid passage, divided only by a paling from the spacious premises
+where her earthenware and coarser kinds of crockery were deposited, were
+the public-house, stables, cowhouses, and pigsties of Mr. James Tyler,
+who added to his calling of publican, the several capacities of milkman,
+cattle dealer, and pig merchant, so that the place was one constant
+scene of dirt and noise and bustle without and within;--this Old
+Red Cow, in spite of its unpromising locality, being one of the best
+frequented houses in Belford, the constant resort of drovers, drivers,
+and cattle dealers, with a market dinner on Wednesdays and Saturdays,
+and a club called the Jolly Tailors, every Monday night.
+
+Master James Tyler--popularly called Jem--was the very man to secure and
+increase this sort of custom. Of vast stature and extraordinary physical
+power, combined with a degree of animal spirits not often found in
+combination with such large proportions, he was at once a fit ruler
+over his four-footed subjects in the yard, a miscellaneous and most
+disorderly collection of cows, horses, pigs, and oxen, to say nothing of
+his own five boys, (for Jem was a widower,) each of whom, in striving
+to remedy, was apt to enhance the confusion, and an admirable lord of
+misrule at the drovers' dinners and tradesmen's suppers over which he
+presided. There was a mixture of command and good-humour, of decision
+and fun, in the gruff, bluff, weather-beaten countenance, surmounted
+with its rough shock of coal-black hair, and in the voice loud as a
+stentor, with which he now guided a drove of oxen, and now roared a
+catch, that his listeners in either case found irresistible. Jem Tyler
+was the very spirit of vulgar jollity, and could, as he boasted, run,
+leap, box, wrestle, drink, sing, and shoot (he had been a keeper in
+his youth, and still retained the love of sportsmanship which those
+who imbibe it early seldom lose) with any man in the county. He was
+discreet, too, for a man of his occupation; knew precisely how drunk
+a journeyman tailor ought to get, and when to stop a fight between a
+Somersetshire cattle-dealer and an Irish pig-driver. No inquest had ever
+sat upon any of his customers. Small wonder, that with such a landlord
+the Old Red Cow should be a hostelry of unmatched resort and unblemished
+reputation.
+
+The chief exception to Jem Tyler's almost universal popularity was
+beyond all manner of doubt his fair neighbour Miss Philadelphia Firkin.
+She, together with her trusty adherents, Miss Wolfe and Mr. Lamb, held
+Jem, his alehouse, and his customers, whether tailor, drover, or dealer,
+his yard and its contents, horse or donkey, ox or cow, pig or dog, in
+unmeasured and undisguised abhorrence: she threatened to indict the
+place as a nuisance, to appeal to the mayor; and upon "some good-natured
+friend" telling her that mine host had snapped his fingers at her as
+a chattering old maid, she did actually go so far as to speak to her
+landlord, who was also Jem's, upon the iniquity of his doings. This
+worthy happening, however, to be a great brewer, knew better than to
+dismiss a tenant whose consumption of double X was so satisfactory.
+So that Miss Firkin took nothing by her motion beyond a few of those
+smoothening and pacificatory speeches, which, when administered to
+a person in a passion, have, as I have often observed, a remarkable
+tendency to exasperate the disease.
+
+At last, however, came a real and substantial grievance, an actionable
+trespass; and although Miss Philly was a considerable loser by the
+mischance, and a lawsuit is always rather a questionable remedy for
+pecuniary damage, yet such was the keenness of her hatred towards poor
+Jem, that I am quite convinced that in her inmost heart (although being
+an excellent person in her way, it is doubtful whether she told herself
+the whole truth in the matter) she rejoiced at a loss which would
+enable her to take such signal vengeance over her next-door enemy. An
+obstreperous cow, walking backward instead of forward, as that placid
+animal when provoked has the habit of doing, came in contact with a weak
+part of the paling which divided Miss Firkin's back premises from Master
+Tyler's yard, and not only upset Mr. Lamb into a crate of crockery which
+he was in the act of unpacking, to the inexpressible discomfiture of
+both parties, but Miss Wolfe, who, upon hearing the mixture of crash and
+squall, ran to the rescue, found herself knocked down by a donkey who
+had entered at the breach, and was saluted as she rose by a peal of
+laughter from young Sam Tyler, Jem's eldest hope, a thorough Pickle,
+who, accompanied by two or three other chaps as unlucky as himself, sat
+quietly on a gate surveying and enjoying the mischief.
+
+"I'll bring an action against the villain!" ejaculated Miss Philly, as
+soon as the enemy was driven from her quarters, and her china and her
+dependants set upon their feet:--"I'll take the law of him!" And in
+this spirited resolution did mistress, shopman, and shopwoman, find
+comfort for the losses, the scratches, and the bruises of the day.
+
+This affray commenced on a Thursday evening towards the latter end of
+March; and it so happened that we had occasion to send to Miss Philly
+early the next morning for a cart-load of garden-pots for the use of my
+geraniums.
+
+Our messenger was, as it chanced, a certain lad by name Dick Barnett, who
+has lived with us off and on ever since he was the height of the table,
+and who originally a saucy, lively, merry boy, arch, quick-witted, and
+amusing, has been indulged in giving vent to all manner of impertinences
+until he has become a sort of privileged person, and takes, with high
+or low, a freedom of speech that might become a lady's page or a king's
+jester. Every now and then we feel that this licence, which in a child
+of ten years old we found so diverting, has become inconvenient in
+a youth of seventeen, and favour him and ourselves with a lecture
+accordingly. But such is the force of inveterate habit that our
+remonstrances upon this subject are usually so much gravity wasted upon
+him and upon ourselves. He, in the course of a day or two, comes forth
+with some fresh prank more amusing than before, and we (I grieve to
+confess such a weakness) resume our laughter.
+
+To do justice, however, to this modern Robin Goodfellow, there was most
+commonly a fund of goodnature at the bottom of his wildest tricks or his
+most egregious romances,--for in the matter of a jest he was apt to draw
+pretty largely from an inventive faculty of remarkable fertility; he
+was constant in his attachments, whether to man or beast, loyal to
+his employers, and although idle and uncertain enough in other work,
+admirable in all that related to the stable or the kennel--the best
+driver, best rider, best trainer of a greyhound, and best finder of a
+hare, in all Berkshire.
+
+He was, as usual, accompanied on this errand by one of his four-footed
+favourites, a delicate snow-white greyhound called Mayfly, of whom Miss
+Philly flatteringly observed, that "she was as beautiful as china;" and
+upon the civil lady of the shop proceeding to inquire after the health
+of his master and mistress, and the general news of Aberleigh, master
+Ben, who well knew her proficiency in gossiping, and had the dislike
+of a man and a rival to any female practitioner in that art, checked at
+once this condescending overture to conversation by answering with more
+than his usual consequence: "The chief news that I know, Miss Firkin,
+is, that our geraniums are all pining away for want of fresh earth, and
+that I am sent in furious haste after a load of your best garden-pots.
+There's no time to be lost, I can tell you, if you mean to save their
+precious lives. Miss Ada is upon her last legs, and master Diomede in a
+galloping consumption--two of our prime geraniums, ma'am!" quoth Dick,
+with a condescending nod to Miss Wolfe, as that Lilliputian lady looked
+up at him with a stare of unspeakable mystification; "queerish names,
+a'nt they? Well, there are the patterns of the sizes, and there's the
+order; so if your little gentleman will but look the pots out, I have
+left the cart in Jem Tyler's yard, (I've a message to Jem from master,)
+and we can pack 'em over the paling. I suppose you've a ladder for the
+little man's use, in loading carts and waggons, if not Jem or I can take
+them from him. There is not a better-natured fellow in England than Jem
+Tyler, and he'll be sure to do me a good turn any day, if it's only for
+the love of our Mayfly here. He bred her, poor thing, and is well nigh
+as fond of her as if she was a child of his own; and so's Sam. Nay,
+what's the matter with you all?" pursued Dick, as at the name of Jem
+Tyler Miss Wolfe turned up her hands and eyes, Mr. Lamb let fall the
+pattern pots, and Miss Philly flung the order upon the counter--"What
+the deuce is come to the people?"
+
+And then out burst the story of the last night's adventure, of Mr.
+Lamb's scratched face, which indeed was visible enough, of Miss Wolfe's
+bruises, of the broken china, the cow, the donkey, and the action at
+law.
+
+"Whew!" whistled Dick in an aside whistle; "going to law is she? We
+must pacify her if we can," thought he, "for a lawsuit's no joke, as
+poor Jem would find. Jem must come and speechify. It's hard if between
+us we can't manage a woman."
+
+"Sad affair, indeed, Miss Firkin," said Dick, aloud, in a soft,
+sympathising tone, and with a most condoling countenance; "it's unknown
+what obstropolous creatures cows and donkies are, and what mischief
+they do amongst gim-cracks. A brute of a donkey got into our garden
+last summer, and ate up half-a-dozen rose-trees and fuchsias, besides
+trampling over the flower-beds. One of the roses was a present from
+France, worth five guineas. I hope Mr. Lamb and Miss Wolfe are not much
+hurt. Very sad affair! strange too that it should happen through Jem
+Tylers cattle--poor Jem, who had such a respect for you!"
+
+"Respect for me!" echoed Miss Philly, "when he called me a chattering
+old maid,--Mrs. Loveit heard him. Respect for me!"
+
+"Aye," continued Dick, "it was but last Monday was a fortnight that Kit
+Mahony, the tall pig-dealer, was boasting of the beauty of the Tipperary
+lasses, and crying down our English ladies, whereupon, although the tap
+was full of Irish chaps, Jem took the matter up, and swore that he could
+show Kit two as fine women in this very street--you, ma'am, being
+one, and Miss Parsons the other--two as fine women as ever he saw in
+Tipperary. Nay, he offered to lay any wager, from a pot of double X to
+half a score of his own pigs, that Kit should confess it himself. Now,
+if that's not having a respect I don't know what is," added Dick, with
+much gravity; "and I put it to your good sense, whether it is not more
+likely that Mrs. Loveit, who is as deaf as a post, should be mistaken,
+than that he should offer to lay such a wager respecting a lady of whom
+he had spoken so disparagingly."
+
+"This will do," thought Dick to himself as he observed the softening
+of Miss Philly's features and noted her very remarkable and unnatural
+silence--"this will do;" and reiterating his request that the order
+might be got ready, he walked out of the shop.
+
+"You'll find that I have settled the matter," observed the young
+gentleman to Jem Tyler, after telling him the story, "and you have
+nothing to do but to follow up my hints. Did not I manage her famously?
+'Twas well I recollected your challenge to Mahony, about that pretty
+creature, Harriet Parsons. It had a capital effect, I promise you. Now
+go and make yourself decent; put on your Sunday coat, wash your face and
+hands, and don't, spare for fine speeches. Be off with you."
+
+"I shall laugh in her face," replied Jem.
+
+"Not you," quoth his sage adviser: "just think of the length of a
+lawyer's bill, and you'll be in no danger of laughing. Besides, she's
+really a niceish sort of a body enough, a tidyish little soul in her
+way, and you're a gay widower--so who knows?"
+
+And home went Dick, chuckling all the way, partly at his own good
+management, partly at the new idea which his quick fancy had started.
+
+About a fortnight after, I had occasion to drive into Belford, attended
+as usual by master Richard. The bells of St. Stephen's were ringing
+merrily as we passed down Oriel Street, and happening to look up at the
+well-known sign of the Old Red Cow, we saw that celebrated work of art
+surmounted by a bow of white ribbons--a bridal favour. Looking onward to
+Miss Philly's door, what should we perceive but Mr. Lamb standing on the
+step with a similar cockade, half as big as himself, stuck in his hat;
+whilst Miss Wolfe stood simpering behind the counter, dispensing to her
+old enemy Sam, and four other grinning boys in their best apparel, five
+huge slices of bridecake.
+
+The fact was clear. Jem Tyler and Miss Philly were married.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman, by
+Mary Russell Mitford
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PHILLY FIRKIN  ***
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+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en">
+  <head>
+    <title>
+      Miss Philly Firkin, the China-woman, by Mary Russell Mitford
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve">
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+    .toc       { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;}
+    .toc2      { margin-left: 20%;}
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+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman, by
+Mary Russell Mitford
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman
+
+Author: Mary Russell Mitford
+
+Release Date: October 2, 2007 [EBook #22844]
+Last Updated: January 9, 2013
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PHILLY FIRKIN  ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+    <div style="height: 8em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h1>
+      MISS PHILLY FIRKIN, <br /><br /> The China-Woman.
+    </h1>
+    <h2>
+      By Mary Russell Mitford
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In Belford Regis, as in many of those provincial capitals of the south of
+      England, whose growth and importance have kept pace with the increased
+      affluence and population of the neighbourhood, the principal shops will be
+      found clustered in the close, inconvenient streets of the antique portion
+      of the good town; whilst the more showy and commodious modern buildings
+      are quite unable to compete in point of custom with the old crowded
+      localities, which seem even to derive an advantage from the appearance of
+      business and bustle occasioned by the sharp turnings, the steep
+      declivities, the narrow causeways, the jutting-out windows, and the
+      various obstructions incident to the picturesque but irregular
+      street-architecture of our ancestors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Accordingly, Oriel Street, in Belford,&mdash;a narrow lane, cribbed and
+      confined on the one side by an old monastic establishment, now turned into
+      alms-houses, called the Oriel, which divided the street from that branch
+      of the river called the Holy Brook, and on the other bounded by the
+      market-place, whilst one end abutted on the yard of a great inn, and
+      turned so sharply up a steep acclivity that accidents happened there every
+      day, and the other <i>terminus</i> wound with an equally awkward curvature
+      round the churchyard of St Stephen's,&mdash;this most strait and
+      incommodious avenue of shops was the wealthiest quarter of the Borough. It
+      was a provincial combination of Regent Street and Cheapside. The houses
+      let for double their value; and, as a necessary consequence, goods sold
+      there at pretty nearly the same rate; horse-people and foot-people jostled
+      upon the pavement; coaches and phaetons ran against each other in the
+      road. Nobody dreamt of visiting Belford without wanting something or other
+      in Oriel Street; and although noise, and crowd, and bustle, be very far
+      from usual attributes of the good town, yet in driving through this
+      favoured region on a fine day, between the hours of three and five, we
+      stood a fair chance of encountering as many difficulties and obstructions
+      from carriages, and as much din and disorder on the causeway as we shall
+      often have the pleasure of meeting with out of London.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One of the most popular and frequented shops in the street, and out of all
+      manner of comparison the prettiest to look at, was the well-furnished
+      glass and china warehouse of Philadelphia Firkin, spinster. Few things are
+      indeed more agreeable to the eye than the mixture of glittering cut glass,
+      with rich and delicate china, so beautiful in shape, colour, and material,
+      which adorn a nicely-assorted showroom of that description. The
+      manufactures of Sèvres, of Dresden, of Derby, and of Worcester, are really
+      works of art, and very beautiful ones too; and even the less choice
+      specimens have about them a clearness, a glossiness, and a nicety,
+      exceedingly pleasant to look upon; so that a china-shop is in some sense a
+      shop of temptation: and that it is also a shop of necessity, every
+      housekeeper who knows to her cost the infinite number of plates, dishes,
+      cups, and glasses, which contrive to get broken in the course of the year,
+      (chiefly by that grand demolisher of crockery ware called Nobody,) will
+      not fail to bear testimony.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Miss Philadelphia's was therefore a well accustomed shop, and she herself
+      was in appearance most fit to be its inhabitant, being a trim, prim little
+      woman, neither old nor young, whose dress hung about her in stiff regular
+      folds, very like the drapery of a china shepherdess on a mantel-piece, and
+      whose pink and white complexion, skin, eyebrows, eyes, and hair, all
+      tinted as it seemed with one dash of ruddy colour, had the same
+      professional hue. Change her spruce cap for a wide-brimmed hat, and the
+      damask napkin which she flourished in wiping her wares, for a china crook,
+      and the figure in question might have passed for a miniature of the
+      mistress. In one respect they differed The china shepherdess was a silent
+      personage. Miss Philadelphia was not; on the contrary, she was reckoned to
+      make, after her own mincing fashion, as good a use of her tongue as any
+      woman, gentle or simple, in the whole town of Belford.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She was assisted in her avocations by a little shopwoman, not much taller
+      than a china mandarin, remarkable for the height of her comb, and the
+      length of her earrings, whom she addressed sometimes as Miss Wolfe,
+      sometimes as Marianne, and sometimes as Polly, thus multiplying the young
+      lady's individuality by three; and a little shopman in apron and sleeves,
+      whom, with equal ingenuity, she called by the several appellations of
+      Jack, Jonathan, and Mr. Lamb&mdash;mister!&mdash;but who was really such a
+      cock-o'-my-thumb as might have been served up in a tureen, or baked in a
+      pie-dish, without in the slightest degree abridging his personal
+      dimensions. I have known him quite hidden behind a china jar, and as
+      completely buried, whilst standing on tip-toe, in a crate, as the
+      dessert-service which he was engaged in unpacking. Whether this pair of
+      originals was transferred from a show at a fair to Miss Philips warehouse,
+      or whether she had picked them up accidentally, first one and then the
+      other, guided by a fine sense of congruity, as she might match a wineglass
+      or a tea-cup, must be left to conjecture. Certain they answered her
+      purpose, as well as if they had been the size of Gog and Magog; were
+      attentive to the customers, faithful to their employer, and crept about
+      amongst the china as softly as two mice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The world went well with Miss Philly Firkin in the shop and out. She won
+      favour in the sight of her betters by a certain prim, demure, simpering
+      civility, and a power of multiplying herself as well as her little
+      officials, like Yates or Matthews in a monopolologue, and attending to
+      half-a-dozen persons at once; whilst she was no less popular amongst her
+      equals in virtue of her excellent gift in gossiping. Nobody better loved a
+      gentle tale of scandal, to sweeten a quiet cup of tea. Nobody evinced a
+      finer talent for picking up whatever news happened to be stirring, or
+      greater liberality in its diffusion. She was the intelligencer of the
+      place&mdash;a walking chronicle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In a word, Miss Philly Firkin was certainly a prosperous, and, as times
+      go, a tolerably happy woman. To be sure, her closest intimates, those very
+      dear friends, who as our confidence gives them the opportunity, are so
+      obliging as to watch our weaknesses and report our foibles,&mdash;certain
+      of these bosom companions had been heard to hint, that Miss Philly, who
+      had refused two or three good matches in her bloom, repented her of this
+      cruelty, and would probably be found less obdurate now that suitors had
+      ceased to offer. This, if true, was one hidden grievance, a flitting
+      shadow upon a sunny destiny; whilst another might be found in a
+      circumstance of which she was so far from making a secret, that it was one
+      of her most frequent topics of discourse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The calamity in question took the not un-frequent form of a next-door
+      neighbour. On her right dwelt an eminent tinman with his pretty daughter,
+      two of the most respectable, kindest, and best-conducted persons in the
+      town; but on her left was an open bricked archway, just wide enough to
+      admit a cart, surmounted by a dim and dingy representation of some horned
+      animal, with "The Old Red Cow" written in white capitals above, and "James
+      Tyler, licensed to sell beer, ale, wine, and all sorts of spirituous
+      liquors," below; and down the aforesaid passage, divided only by a paling
+      from the spacious premises where her earthenware and coarser kinds of
+      crockery were deposited, were the public-house, stables, cowhouses, and
+      pigsties of Mr. James Tyler, who added to his calling of publican, the
+      several capacities of milkman, cattle dealer, and pig merchant, so that
+      the place was one constant scene of dirt and noise and bustle without and
+      within;&mdash;this Old Red Cow, in spite of its unpromising locality,
+      being one of the best frequented houses in Belford, the constant resort of
+      drovers, drivers, and cattle dealers, with a market dinner on Wednesdays
+      and Saturdays, and a club called the Jolly Tailors, every Monday night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Master James Tyler&mdash;popularly called Jem&mdash;was the very man to
+      secure and increase this sort of custom. Of vast stature and extraordinary
+      physical power, combined with a degree of animal spirits not often found
+      in combination with such large proportions, he was at once a fit ruler
+      over his four-footed subjects in the yard, a miscellaneous and most
+      disorderly collection of cows, horses, pigs, and oxen, to say nothing of
+      his own five boys, (for Jem was a widower,) each of whom, in striving to
+      remedy, was apt to enhance the confusion, and an admirable lord of misrule
+      at the drovers' dinners and tradesmen's suppers over which he presided.
+      There was a mixture of command and good-humour, of decision and fun, in
+      the gruff, bluff, weather-beaten countenance, surmounted with its rough
+      shock of coal-black hair, and in the voice loud as a stentor, with which
+      he now guided a drove of oxen, and now roared a catch, that his listeners
+      in either case found irresistible. Jem Tyler was the very spirit of vulgar
+      jollity, and could, as he boasted, run, leap, box, wrestle, drink, sing,
+      and shoot (he had been a keeper in his youth, and still retained the love
+      of sportsmanship which those who imbibe it early seldom lose) with any man
+      in the county. He was discreet, too, for a man of his occupation; knew
+      precisely how drunk a journeyman tailor ought to get, and when to stop a
+      fight between a Somersetshire cattle-dealer and an Irish pig-driver. No
+      inquest had ever sat upon any of his customers. Small wonder, that with
+      such a landlord the Old Red Cow should be a hostelry of unmatched resort
+      and unblemished reputation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The chief exception to Jem Tyler's almost universal popularity was beyond
+      all manner of doubt his fair neighbour Miss Philadelphia Firkin. She,
+      together with her trusty adherents, Miss Wolfe and Mr. Lamb, held Jem, his
+      alehouse, and his customers, whether tailor, drover, or dealer, his yard
+      and its contents, horse or donkey, ox or cow, pig or dog, in unmeasured
+      and undisguised abhorrence: she threatened to indict the place as a
+      nuisance, to appeal to the mayor; and upon "some good-natured friend"
+      telling her that mine host had snapped his fingers at her as a chattering
+      old maid, she did actually go so far as to speak to her landlord, who was
+      also Jem's, upon the iniquity of his doings. This worthy happening,
+      however, to be a great brewer, knew better than to dismiss a tenant whose
+      consumption of double X was so satisfactory. So that Miss Firkin took
+      nothing by her motion beyond a few of those smoothening and pacificatory
+      speeches, which, when administered to a person in a passion, have, as I
+      have often observed, a remarkable tendency to exasperate the disease.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At last, however, came a real and substantial grievance, an actionable
+      trespass; and although Miss Philly was a considerable loser by the
+      mischance, and a lawsuit is always rather a questionable remedy for
+      pecuniary damage, yet such was the keenness of her hatred towards poor
+      Jem, that I am quite convinced that in her inmost heart (although being an
+      excellent person in her way, it is doubtful whether she told herself the
+      whole truth in the matter) she rejoiced at a loss which would enable her
+      to take such signal vengeance over her next-door enemy. An obstreperous
+      cow, walking backward instead of forward, as that placid animal when
+      provoked has the habit of doing, came in contact with a weak part of the
+      paling which divided Miss Firkin's back premises from Master Tyler's yard,
+      and not only upset Mr. Lamb into a crate of crockery which he was in the
+      act of unpacking, to the inexpressible discomfiture of both parties, but
+      Miss Wolfe, who, upon hearing the mixture of crash and squall, ran to the
+      rescue, found herself knocked down by a donkey who had entered at the
+      breach, and was saluted as she rose by a peal of laughter from young Sam
+      Tyler, Jem's eldest hope, a thorough Pickle, who, accompanied by two or
+      three other chaps as unlucky as himself, sat quietly on a gate surveying
+      and enjoying the mischief.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I'll bring an action against the villain!" ejaculated Miss Philly, as
+      soon as the enemy was driven from her quarters, and her china and her
+      dependants set upon their feet:&mdash;"I'll take the law of him!" And in
+      this spirited resolution did mistress, shopman, and shopwoman, find
+      comfort for the losses, the scratches, and the bruises of the day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This affray commenced on a Thursday evening towards the latter end of
+      March; and it so happened that we had occasion to send to Miss Philly
+      early the next morning for a cart-load of garden-pots for the use of my
+      geraniums.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Our messenger was, as it chanced, a certain lad by name Dick Barnett, who
+      has lived with us off and on ever since he was the height of the table,
+      and who originally a saucy, lively, merry boy, arch, quick-witted, and
+      amusing, has been indulged in giving vent to all manner of impertinences
+      until he has become a sort of privileged person, and takes, with high or
+      low, a freedom of speech that might become a lady's page or a king's
+      jester. Every now and then we feel that this licence, which in a child of
+      ten years old we found so diverting, has become inconvenient in a youth of
+      seventeen, and favour him and ourselves with a lecture accordingly. But
+      such is the force of inveterate habit that our remonstrances upon this
+      subject are usually so much gravity wasted upon him and upon ourselves.
+      He, in the course of a day or two, comes forth with some fresh prank more
+      amusing than before, and we (I grieve to confess such a weakness) resume
+      our laughter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To do justice, however, to this modern Robin Goodfellow, there was most
+      commonly a fund of goodnature at the bottom of his wildest tricks or his
+      most egregious romances,&mdash;for in the matter of a jest he was apt to
+      draw pretty largely from an inventive faculty of remarkable fertility; he
+      was constant in his attachments, whether to man or beast, loyal to his
+      employers, and although idle and uncertain enough in other work, admirable
+      in all that related to the stable or the kennel&mdash;the best driver,
+      best rider, best trainer of a greyhound, and best finder of a hare, in all
+      Berkshire.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was, as usual, accompanied on this errand by one of his four-footed
+      favourites, a delicate snow-white greyhound called Mayfly, of whom Miss
+      Philly flatteringly observed, that "she was as beautiful as china;" and
+      upon the civil lady of the shop proceeding to inquire after the health of
+      his master and mistress, and the general news of Aberleigh, master Ben,
+      who well knew her proficiency in gossiping, and had the dislike of a man
+      and a rival to any female practitioner in that art, checked at once this
+      condescending overture to conversation by answering with more than his
+      usual consequence: "The chief news that I know, Miss Firkin, is, that our
+      geraniums are all pining away for want of fresh earth, and that I am sent
+      in furious haste after a load of your best garden-pots. There's no time to
+      be lost, I can tell you, if you mean to save their precious lives. Miss
+      Ada is upon her last legs, and master Diomede in a galloping consumption&mdash;two
+      of our prime geraniums, ma'am!" quoth Dick, with a condescending nod to
+      Miss Wolfe, as that Lilliputian lady looked up at him with a stare of
+      unspeakable mystification; "queerish names, a'nt they? Well, there are
+      the patterns of the sizes, and there's the order; so if your little
+      gentleman will but look the pots out, I have left the cart in Jem Tyler's
+      yard, (I've a message to Jem from master,) and we can pack 'em over the
+      paling. I suppose you've a ladder for the little man's use, in loading
+      carts and waggons, if not Jem or I can take them from him. There is not a
+      better-natured fellow in England than Jem Tyler, and he'll be sure to do
+      me a good turn any day, if it's only for the love of our Mayfly here. He
+      bred her, poor thing, and is well nigh as fond of her as if she was a
+      child of his own; and so's Sam. Nay, what's the matter with you all?"
+      pursued Dick, as at the name of Jem Tyler Miss Wolfe turned up her hands
+      and eyes, Mr. Lamb let fall the pattern pots, and Miss Philly flung the
+      order upon the counter&mdash;"What the deuce is come to the people?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And then out burst the story of the last night's adventure, of Mr. Lamb's
+      scratched face, which indeed was visible enough, of Miss Wolfe's bruises,
+      of the broken china, the cow, the donkey, and the action at law.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Whew!" whistled Dick in an aside whistle; "going to law is she? We must
+      pacify her if we can," thought he, "for a lawsuit's no joke, as poor Jem
+      would find. Jem must come and speechify. It's hard if between us we can't
+      manage a woman."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Sad affair, indeed, Miss Firkin," said Dick, aloud, in a soft,
+      sympathising tone, and with a most condoling countenance; "it's unknown
+      what obstropolous creatures cows and donkies are, and what mischief they
+      do amongst gim-cracks. A brute of a donkey got into our garden last
+      summer, and ate up half-a-dozen rose-trees and fuchsias, besides trampling
+      over the flower-beds. One of the roses was a present from France, worth
+      five guineas. I hope Mr. Lamb and Miss Wolfe are not much hurt. Very sad
+      affair! strange too that it should happen through Jem Tylers cattle&mdash;poor
+      Jem, who had such a respect for you!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Respect for me!" echoed Miss Philly, "when he called me a chattering old
+      maid,&mdash;Mrs. Loveit heard him. Respect for me!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Aye," continued Dick, "it was but last Monday was a fortnight that Kit
+      Mahony, the tall pig-dealer, was boasting of the beauty of the Tipperary
+      lasses, and crying down our English ladies, whereupon, although the tap
+      was full of Irish chaps, Jem took the matter up, and swore that he could
+      show Kit two as fine women in this very street&mdash;you, ma'am, being
+      one, and Miss Parsons the other&mdash;two as fine women as ever he saw in
+      Tipperary. Nay, he offered to lay any wager, from a pot of double X to
+      half a score of his own pigs, that Kit should confess it himself. Now, if
+      that's not having a respect I don't know what is," added Dick, with much
+      gravity; "and I put it to your good sense, whether it is not more likely
+      that Mrs. Loveit, who is as deaf as a post, should be mistaken, than that
+      he should offer to lay such a wager respecting a lady of whom he had
+      spoken so disparagingly."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "This will do," thought Dick to himself as he observed the softening of
+      Miss Philly's features and noted her very remarkable and unnatural silence&mdash;"this
+      will do;" and reiterating his request that the order might be got ready,
+      he walked out of the shop.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "You'll find that I have settled the matter," observed the young gentleman
+      to Jem Tyler, after telling him the story, "and you have nothing to do but
+      to follow up my hints. Did not I manage her famously? 'Twas well I
+      recollected your challenge to Mahony, about that pretty creature, Harriet
+      Parsons. It had a capital effect, I promise you. Now go and make yourself
+      decent; put on your Sunday coat, wash your face and hands, and don't,
+      spare for fine speeches. Be off with you."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "I shall laugh in her face," replied Jem.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Not you," quoth his sage adviser: "just think of the length of a lawyer's
+      bill, and you'll be in no danger of laughing. Besides, she's really a
+      niceish sort of a body enough, a tidyish little soul in her way, and
+      you're a gay widower&mdash;so who knows?"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And home went Dick, chuckling all the way, partly at his own good
+      management, partly at the new idea which his quick fancy had started.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About a fortnight after, I had occasion to drive into Belford, attended as
+      usual by master Richard. The bells of St. Stephen's were ringing merrily
+      as we passed down Oriel Street, and happening to look up at the well-known
+      sign of the Old Red Cow, we saw that celebrated work of art surmounted by
+      a bow of white ribbons&mdash;a bridal favour. Looking onward to Miss
+      Philly's door, what should we perceive but Mr. Lamb standing on the step
+      with a similar cockade, half as big as himself, stuck in his hat; whilst
+      Miss Wolfe stood simpering behind the counter, dispensing to her old enemy
+      Sam, and four other grinning boys in their best apparel, five huge slices
+      of bridecake.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The fact was clear. Jem Tyler and Miss Philly were married.
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 6em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+
+
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman, by
+Mary Russell Mitford
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman
+
+Author: Mary Russell Mitford
+
+Release Date: October 2, 2007 [EBook #22844]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PHILLY FIRKIN  ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+MISS PHILLY FIRKIN, THE CHINA-WOMAN.
+
+By Mary Russell Mitford
+
+
+In Belford Regis, as in many of those provincial capitals of the
+south of England, whose growth and importance have kept pace with the
+increased affluence and population of the neighbourhood, the principal
+shops will be found clustered in the close, inconvenient streets of the
+antique portion of the good town; whilst the more showy and commodious
+modern buildings are quite unable to compete in point of custom with the
+old crowded localities, which seem even to derive an advantage from the
+appearance of business and bustle occasioned by the sharp turnings, the
+steep declivities, the narrow causeways, the jutting-out windows, and
+the various obstructions incident to the picturesque but irregular
+street-architecture of our ancestors.
+
+Accordingly, Oriel Street, in Belford,--a narrow lane, cribbed and
+confined on the one side by an old monastic establishment, now turned
+into alms-houses, called the Oriel, which divided the street from that
+branch of the river called the Holy Brook, and on the other bounded by
+the market-place, whilst one end abutted on the yard of a great inn,
+and turned so sharply up a steep acclivity that accidents happened
+there every day, and the other _terminus_ wound with an equally awkward
+curvature round the churchyard of St Stephen's,--this most strait and
+incommodious avenue of shops was the wealthiest quarter of the Borough.
+It was a provincial combination of Regent Street and Cheapside. The
+houses let for double their value; and, as a necessary consequence,
+goods sold there at pretty nearly the same rate; horse-people and
+foot-people jostled upon the pavement; coaches and phaetons ran against
+each other in the road. Nobody dreamt of visiting Belford without
+wanting something or other in Oriel Street; and although noise, and
+crowd, and bustle, be very far from usual attributes of the good town,
+yet in driving through this favoured region on a fine day, between the
+hours of three and five, we stood a fair chance of encountering as
+many difficulties and obstructions from carriages, and as much din and
+disorder on the causeway as we shall often have the pleasure of meeting
+with out of London.
+
+One of the most popular and frequented shops in the street, and out
+of all manner of comparison the prettiest to look at, was the
+well-furnished glass and china warehouse of Philadelphia Firkin,
+spinster. Few things are indeed more agreeable to the eye than the
+mixture of glittering cut glass, with rich and delicate china, so
+beautiful in shape, colour, and material, which adorn a nicely-assorted
+showroom of that description. The manufactures of Sevres, of Dresden,
+of Derby, and of Worcester, are really works of art, and very beautiful
+ones too; and even the less choice specimens have about them a
+clearness, a glossiness, and a nicety, exceedingly pleasant to look
+upon; so that a china-shop is in some sense a shop of temptation: and
+that it is also a shop of necessity, every housekeeper who knows to her
+cost the infinite number of plates, dishes, cups, and glasses, which
+contrive to get broken in the course of the year, (chiefly by that
+grand demolisher of crockery ware called Nobody,) will not fail to bear
+testimony.
+
+Miss Philadelphia's was therefore a well accustomed shop, and she
+herself was in appearance most fit to be its inhabitant, being a trim,
+prim little woman, neither old nor young, whose dress hung about her in
+stiff regular folds, very like the drapery of a china shepherdess on a
+mantel-piece, and whose pink and white complexion, skin, eyebrows, eyes,
+and hair, all tinted as it seemed with one dash of ruddy colour, had the
+same professional hue. Change her spruce cap for a wide-brimmed hat, and
+the damask napkin which she flourished in wiping her wares, for a china
+crook, and the figure in question might have passed for a miniature of
+the mistress. In one respect they differed The china shepherdess was a
+silent personage. Miss Philadelphia was not; on the contrary, she was
+reckoned to make, after her own mincing fashion, as good a use of her
+tongue as any woman, gentle or simple, in the whole town of Belford.
+
+She was assisted in her avocations by a little shopwoman, not much
+taller than a china mandarin, remarkable for the height of her comb, and
+the length of her earrings, whom she addressed sometimes as Miss Wolfe,
+sometimes as Marianne, and sometimes as Polly, thus multiplying the
+young lady's individuality by three; and a little shopman in apron
+and sleeves, whom, with equal ingenuity, she called by the several
+appellations of Jack, Jonathan, and Mr. Lamb--mister!--but who was
+really such a cock-o'-my-thumb as might have been served up in a tureen,
+or baked in a pie-dish, without in the slightest degree abridging his
+personal dimensions. I have known him quite hidden behind a china jar,
+and as completely buried, whilst standing on tip-toe, in a crate, as the
+dessert-service which he was engaged in unpacking. Whether this pair
+of originals was transferred from a show at a fair to Miss Philips
+warehouse, or whether she had picked them up accidentally, first one and
+then the other, guided by a fine sense of congruity, as she might match
+a wineglass or a tea-cup, must be left to conjecture. Certain they
+answered her purpose, as well as if they had been the size of Gog and
+Magog; were attentive to the customers, faithful to their employer, and
+crept about amongst the china as softly as two mice.
+
+The world went well with Miss Philly Firkin in the shop and out. She won
+favour in the sight of her betters by a certain prim, demure, simpering
+civility, and a power of multiplying herself as well as her little
+officials, like Yates or Matthews in a monopolologue, and attending to
+half-a-dozen persons at once; whilst she was no less popular amongst her
+equals in virtue of her excellent gift in gossiping. Nobody better loved
+a gentle tale of scandal, to sweeten a quiet cup of tea. Nobody evinced
+a finer talent for picking up whatever news happened to be stirring, or
+greater liberality in its diffusion. She was the intelligencer of the
+place--a walking chronicle.
+
+In a word, Miss Philly Firkin was certainly a prosperous, and, as times
+go, a tolerably happy woman. To be sure, her closest intimates, those
+very dear friends, who as our confidence gives them the opportunity, are
+so obliging as to watch our weaknesses and report our foibles,--certain
+of these bosom companions had been heard to hint, that Miss Philly, who
+had refused two or three good matches in her bloom, repented her of this
+cruelty, and would probably be found less obdurate now that suitors had
+ceased to offer. This, if true, was one hidden grievance, a flitting
+shadow upon a sunny destiny; whilst another might be found in a
+circumstance of which she was so far from making a secret, that it was
+one of her most frequent topics of discourse.
+
+The calamity in question took the not un-frequent form of a next-door
+neighbour. On her right dwelt an eminent tinman with his pretty
+daughter, two of the most respectable, kindest, and best-conducted
+persons in the town; but on her left was an open bricked archway,
+just wide enough to admit a cart, surmounted by a dim and dingy
+representation of some horned animal, with "The Old Red Cow" written
+in white capitals above, and "James Tyler, licensed to sell beer,
+ale, wine, and all sorts of spirituous liquors," below; and down the
+aforesaid passage, divided only by a paling from the spacious premises
+where her earthenware and coarser kinds of crockery were deposited, were
+the public-house, stables, cowhouses, and pigsties of Mr. James Tyler,
+who added to his calling of publican, the several capacities of milkman,
+cattle dealer, and pig merchant, so that the place was one constant
+scene of dirt and noise and bustle without and within;--this Old
+Red Cow, in spite of its unpromising locality, being one of the best
+frequented houses in Belford, the constant resort of drovers, drivers,
+and cattle dealers, with a market dinner on Wednesdays and Saturdays,
+and a club called the Jolly Tailors, every Monday night.
+
+Master James Tyler--popularly called Jem--was the very man to secure and
+increase this sort of custom. Of vast stature and extraordinary physical
+power, combined with a degree of animal spirits not often found in
+combination with such large proportions, he was at once a fit ruler
+over his four-footed subjects in the yard, a miscellaneous and most
+disorderly collection of cows, horses, pigs, and oxen, to say nothing of
+his own five boys, (for Jem was a widower,) each of whom, in striving
+to remedy, was apt to enhance the confusion, and an admirable lord of
+misrule at the drovers' dinners and tradesmen's suppers over which he
+presided. There was a mixture of command and good-humour, of decision
+and fun, in the gruff, bluff, weather-beaten countenance, surmounted
+with its rough shock of coal-black hair, and in the voice loud as a
+stentor, with which he now guided a drove of oxen, and now roared a
+catch, that his listeners in either case found irresistible. Jem Tyler
+was the very spirit of vulgar jollity, and could, as he boasted, run,
+leap, box, wrestle, drink, sing, and shoot (he had been a keeper in
+his youth, and still retained the love of sportsmanship which those
+who imbibe it early seldom lose) with any man in the county. He was
+discreet, too, for a man of his occupation; knew precisely how drunk
+a journeyman tailor ought to get, and when to stop a fight between a
+Somersetshire cattle-dealer and an Irish pig-driver. No inquest had ever
+sat upon any of his customers. Small wonder, that with such a landlord
+the Old Red Cow should be a hostelry of unmatched resort and unblemished
+reputation.
+
+The chief exception to Jem Tyler's almost universal popularity was
+beyond all manner of doubt his fair neighbour Miss Philadelphia Firkin.
+She, together with her trusty adherents, Miss Wolfe and Mr. Lamb, held
+Jem, his alehouse, and his customers, whether tailor, drover, or dealer,
+his yard and its contents, horse or donkey, ox or cow, pig or dog, in
+unmeasured and undisguised abhorrence: she threatened to indict the
+place as a nuisance, to appeal to the mayor; and upon "some good-natured
+friend" telling her that mine host had snapped his fingers at her as
+a chattering old maid, she did actually go so far as to speak to her
+landlord, who was also Jem's, upon the iniquity of his doings. This
+worthy happening, however, to be a great brewer, knew better than to
+dismiss a tenant whose consumption of double X was so satisfactory.
+So that Miss Firkin took nothing by her motion beyond a few of those
+smoothening and pacificatory speeches, which, when administered to
+a person in a passion, have, as I have often observed, a remarkable
+tendency to exasperate the disease.
+
+At last, however, came a real and substantial grievance, an actionable
+trespass; and although Miss Philly was a considerable loser by the
+mischance, and a lawsuit is always rather a questionable remedy for
+pecuniary damage, yet such was the keenness of her hatred towards poor
+Jem, that I am quite convinced that in her inmost heart (although being
+an excellent person in her way, it is doubtful whether she told herself
+the whole truth in the matter) she rejoiced at a loss which would
+enable her to take such signal vengeance over her next-door enemy. An
+obstreperous cow, walking backward instead of forward, as that placid
+animal when provoked has the habit of doing, came in contact with a weak
+part of the paling which divided Miss Firkin's back premises from Master
+Tyler's yard, and not only upset Mr. Lamb into a crate of crockery which
+he was in the act of unpacking, to the inexpressible discomfiture of
+both parties, but Miss Wolfe, who, upon hearing the mixture of crash and
+squall, ran to the rescue, found herself knocked down by a donkey who
+had entered at the breach, and was saluted as she rose by a peal of
+laughter from young Sam Tyler, Jem's eldest hope, a thorough Pickle,
+who, accompanied by two or three other chaps as unlucky as himself, sat
+quietly on a gate surveying and enjoying the mischief.
+
+"I'll bring an action against the villain!" ejaculated Miss Philly, as
+soon as the enemy was driven from her quarters, and her china and her
+dependants set upon their feet:--"I'll take the law of him!" And in
+this spirited resolution did mistress, shopman, and shopwoman, find
+comfort for the losses, the scratches, and the bruises of the day.
+
+This affray commenced on a Thursday evening towards the latter end of
+March; and it so happened that we had occasion to send to Miss Philly
+early the next morning for a cart-load of garden-pots for the use of my
+geraniums.
+
+Our messenger was, as it chanced, a certain lad by name Dick Barnett, who
+has lived with us off and on ever since he was the height of the table,
+and who originally a saucy, lively, merry boy, arch, quick-witted, and
+amusing, has been indulged in giving vent to all manner of impertinences
+until he has become a sort of privileged person, and takes, with high
+or low, a freedom of speech that might become a lady's page or a king's
+jester. Every now and then we feel that this licence, which in a child
+of ten years old we found so diverting, has become inconvenient in
+a youth of seventeen, and favour him and ourselves with a lecture
+accordingly. But such is the force of inveterate habit that our
+remonstrances upon this subject are usually so much gravity wasted upon
+him and upon ourselves. He, in the course of a day or two, comes forth
+with some fresh prank more amusing than before, and we (I grieve to
+confess such a weakness) resume our laughter.
+
+To do justice, however, to this modern Robin Goodfellow, there was most
+commonly a fund of goodnature at the bottom of his wildest tricks or his
+most egregious romances,--for in the matter of a jest he was apt to draw
+pretty largely from an inventive faculty of remarkable fertility; he
+was constant in his attachments, whether to man or beast, loyal to
+his employers, and although idle and uncertain enough in other work,
+admirable in all that related to the stable or the kennel--the best
+driver, best rider, best trainer of a greyhound, and best finder of a
+hare, in all Berkshire.
+
+He was, as usual, accompanied on this errand by one of his four-footed
+favourites, a delicate snow-white greyhound called Mayfly, of whom Miss
+Philly flatteringly observed, that "she was as beautiful as china;" and
+upon the civil lady of the shop proceeding to inquire after the health
+of his master and mistress, and the general news of Aberleigh, master
+Ben, who well knew her proficiency in gossiping, and had the dislike
+of a man and a rival to any female practitioner in that art, checked at
+once this condescending overture to conversation by answering with more
+than his usual consequence: "The chief news that I know, Miss Firkin,
+is, that our geraniums are all pining away for want of fresh earth, and
+that I am sent in furious haste after a load of your best garden-pots.
+There's no time to be lost, I can tell you, if you mean to save their
+precious lives. Miss Ada is upon her last legs, and master Diomede in a
+galloping consumption--two of our prime geraniums, ma'am!" quoth Dick,
+with a condescending nod to Miss Wolfe, as that Lilliputian lady looked
+up at him with a stare of unspeakable mystification; "queerish names,
+a'nt they? Well, there are the patterns of the sizes, and there's the
+order; so if your little gentleman will but look the pots out, I have
+left the cart in Jem Tyler's yard, (I've a message to Jem from master,)
+and we can pack 'em over the paling. I suppose you've a ladder for the
+little man's use, in loading carts and waggons, if not Jem or I can take
+them from him. There is not a better-natured fellow in England than Jem
+Tyler, and he'll be sure to do me a good turn any day, if it's only for
+the love of our Mayfly here. He bred her, poor thing, and is well nigh
+as fond of her as if she was a child of his own; and so's Sam. Nay,
+what's the matter with you all?" pursued Dick, as at the name of Jem
+Tyler Miss Wolfe turned up her hands and eyes, Mr. Lamb let fall the
+pattern pots, and Miss Philly flung the order upon the counter--"What
+the deuce is come to the people?"
+
+And then out burst the story of the last night's adventure, of Mr.
+Lamb's scratched face, which indeed was visible enough, of Miss Wolfe's
+bruises, of the broken china, the cow, the donkey, and the action at
+law.
+
+"Whew!" whistled Dick in an aside whistle; "going to law is she? We
+must pacify her if we can," thought he, "for a lawsuit's no joke, as
+poor Jem would find. Jem must come and speechify. It's hard if between
+us we can't manage a woman."
+
+"Sad affair, indeed, Miss Firkin," said Dick, aloud, in a soft,
+sympathising tone, and with a most condoling countenance; "it's unknown
+what obstropolous creatures cows and donkies are, and what mischief
+they do amongst gim-cracks. A brute of a donkey got into our garden
+last summer, and ate up half-a-dozen rose-trees and fuchsias, besides
+trampling over the flower-beds. One of the roses was a present from
+France, worth five guineas. I hope Mr. Lamb and Miss Wolfe are not much
+hurt. Very sad affair! strange too that it should happen through Jem
+Tylers cattle--poor Jem, who had such a respect for you!"
+
+"Respect for me!" echoed Miss Philly, "when he called me a chattering
+old maid,--Mrs. Loveit heard him. Respect for me!"
+
+"Aye," continued Dick, "it was but last Monday was a fortnight that Kit
+Mahony, the tall pig-dealer, was boasting of the beauty of the Tipperary
+lasses, and crying down our English ladies, whereupon, although the tap
+was full of Irish chaps, Jem took the matter up, and swore that he could
+show Kit two as fine women in this very street--you, ma'am, being
+one, and Miss Parsons the other--two as fine women as ever he saw in
+Tipperary. Nay, he offered to lay any wager, from a pot of double X to
+half a score of his own pigs, that Kit should confess it himself. Now,
+if that's not having a respect I don't know what is," added Dick, with
+much gravity; "and I put it to your good sense, whether it is not more
+likely that Mrs. Loveit, who is as deaf as a post, should be mistaken,
+than that he should offer to lay such a wager respecting a lady of whom
+he had spoken so disparagingly."
+
+"This will do," thought Dick to himself as he observed the softening
+of Miss Philly's features and noted her very remarkable and unnatural
+silence--"this will do;" and reiterating his request that the order
+might be got ready, he walked out of the shop.
+
+"You'll find that I have settled the matter," observed the young
+gentleman to Jem Tyler, after telling him the story, "and you have
+nothing to do but to follow up my hints. Did not I manage her famously?
+'Twas well I recollected your challenge to Mahony, about that pretty
+creature, Harriet Parsons. It had a capital effect, I promise you. Now
+go and make yourself decent; put on your Sunday coat, wash your face and
+hands, and don't, spare for fine speeches. Be off with you."
+
+"I shall laugh in her face," replied Jem.
+
+"Not you," quoth his sage adviser: "just think of the length of a
+lawyer's bill, and you'll be in no danger of laughing. Besides, she's
+really a niceish sort of a body enough, a tidyish little soul in her
+way, and you're a gay widower--so who knows?"
+
+And home went Dick, chuckling all the way, partly at his own good
+management, partly at the new idea which his quick fancy had started.
+
+About a fortnight after, I had occasion to drive into Belford, attended
+as usual by master Richard. The bells of St. Stephen's were ringing
+merrily as we passed down Oriel Street, and happening to look up at the
+well-known sign of the Old Red Cow, we saw that celebrated work of art
+surmounted by a bow of white ribbons--a bridal favour. Looking onward to
+Miss Philly's door, what should we perceive but Mr. Lamb standing on the
+step with a similar cockade, half as big as himself, stuck in his hat;
+whilst Miss Wolfe stood simpering behind the counter, dispensing to her
+old enemy Sam, and four other grinning boys in their best apparel, five
+huge slices of bridecake.
+
+The fact was clear. Jem Tyler and Miss Philly were married.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Miss Philly Firkin, The China-Woman, by
+Mary Russell Mitford
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PHILLY FIRKIN  ***
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