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diff --git a/old/nbrlq10.txt b/old/nbrlq10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..040d996 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/nbrlq10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3954 @@ +**The Project Gutenberg Etext of New Burlesques, by Bret Harte** +#9 in our series by Bret Harte + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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N--S W--T--T +STORIES THREE BY R--DY--D K--PL--G +"ZUT-SKI" THE PROBLEM OF A WICKED FEME SOLE BY M--R--E C--R--LLI + + +**The Project Gutenberg Etext of New Burlesques, by Bret Harte** +******This file should be named nbrlq10.txt or nbrlq10.zip****** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, nbrlq11.txt. +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, nbrlq10a.txt. + + +We are now trying to release all our books one month in advance +of the official release dates, for time for better editing. + +Please note: neither this list nor its contents are final till +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. 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CO--N D--LE +GOLLY AND THE CHRISTIAN, OR THE MINX AND THE MANXMAN +By H--LL C--NE +THE ADVENTURES OF JOHN LONGBOWE, YEOMAN +BEING A MODERN-ANTIQUE REALISTIC ROMANCE +(COMPILED FROM SEVERAL EMINENT SOURCES) +DAN'L BOREM BY E. N--S W--T--T +STORIES THREE BY R--DY--D K--PL--G +"ZUT-SKI" THE PROBLEM OF A WICKED FEME SOLE BY M--R--E C--R--LLI + + + + + +RUPERT THE RESEMBLER + +Br A--TH--Y H--PE + + + + +CHAPTER I + +RUDOLPH OF TRULYRURALANIA + + +When I state that I was own brother to Lord Burleydon, had an +income of two thousand a year, could speak all the polite languages +fluently, was a powerful swordsman, a good shot, and could ride +anything from an elephant to a clotheshorse, I really think I have +said enough to satisfy any feminine novel-reader of Bayswater or +South Kensington that I was a hero. My brother's wife, however, +did not seem to incline to this belief. + +"A more conceited, self-satisfied little cad I never met than you," +she said. "Why don't you try to do something instead of sneering +at others who do? You never take anything seriously--except +yourself, which isn't worth it. You are proud of your red hair and +peaked nose just because you fondly believe that you got them from +the Prince of Trulyruralania, and are willing to think evil of your +ancestress to satisfy your snobbish little soul. Let me tell you, +sir, that there was no more truth about that than there was in that +silly talk of her partiality for her husband's red-haired +gamekeeper in Scotland. Ah! that makes you start--don't it? But I +have always observed that a mule is apt to remember only the horse +side of his ancestry!" + +Whenever my pretty sister-in-law talks in this way I always try to +forget that she came of a family far inferior to our own, the +Razorbills. Indeed, her people--of the Nonconformist stock--really +had nothing but wealth and rectitude, and I think my brother Bob, +in his genuine love for her, was willing to overlook the latter for +the sake of the former. + +My pretty sister-in-law's interest in my affairs always made me +believe that she secretly worshiped me--although it was a fact, as +will be seen in the progress of this story, that most women blushed +on my addressing them. I used to say it "was the reflection of my +red hair on a transparent complexion," which was rather neat-- +wasn't it? And subtle? But then, I was always saying such subtle +things. + +"My dear Rose," I said, laying down my egg spoon (the egg spoon +really had nothing to do with this speech, but it imparted such a +delightfully realistic flavor to the scene), "I'm not to blame if I +resemble the S'helpburgs." + +"It's your being so beastly proud of it that I object to!" she +replied. "And for Heaven's sake, try to BE something, and not +merely resemble things! The fact is you resemble too much--you're +ALWAYS resembling. You resemble a man of fashion, and you're not; +a wit, and you're not; a soldier, a sportsman, a hero--and you're +none of 'em. Altogether, you're not in the least convincing. Now, +listen! There's a good chance for you to go as our attache with +Lord Mumblepeg, the new Ambassador to Cochin China. In all the +novels, you know, attaches are always the confidants of Grand +Duchesses, and know more state secrets than their chiefs; in real +life, I believe they are something like a city clerk with a leaning +to private theatricals. Say you'll go! Do!" + +"I'll take a few months' holiday first," I replied, "and then," I +added in my gay, dashing way, "if the place is open--hang it if I +don't go!" + +"Good old bounder!" she said, "and don't think too much of that +precious Prince Rupert. He was a bad lot." + +She blushed again at me--as her husband entered. + +"Take Rose's advice, Rupert, my boy," he said, "and go!" + +And that is how I came to go to Trulyruralania. For I secretly +resolved to take my holiday in traveling in that country and +trying, as dear Lady Burleydon put it, really to be somebody, +instead of resembling anybody in particular. A precious lot SHE +knew about it! + + +CHAPTER II + +IN WHICH MY HAIR CAUSES A LOT OF THINGS + + +You go to Trulyruralania from Charing Cross. In passing through +Paris we picked up Mlle. Beljambe, who was going to Kohlslau, the +capital of Trulyruralania, to marry the Grand Duke Michael, who, +however, as I was informed, was in love with the Princess Flirtia. +She blushed on seeing me--but, I was told afterwards, declined +being introduced to me on any account. However, I thought nothing +of this, and went on to Bock, the next station to Kohlslau. At the +little inn in the forest I was informed I was just in time to see +the coronation of the new king the next day. The landlady and her +daughter were very communicative, and, after the fashion of the +simple, guileless stage peasant, instantly informed me what +everybody was doing, and at once explained the situation. She told +me that the Grand Duke Michael--or Black Michael as he was called-- +himself aspired to the throne, as well as to the hand of the +Princess Flirtia, but was hated by the populace, who preferred the +young heir, Prince Rupert; because he had the hair and features of +the dynasty of the S'helpburgs, "which," she added, "are singularly +like your own." + +"But is red hair so very peculiar here?" I asked. + +"Among the Jews--yes, sire! I mean yes, SIR," she corrected +herself. "You seldom see a red-headed Jew." + +"The Jews!" I repeated in astonishment. + +"Of course you know the S'helpburgs are descended directly from +Solomon--and have indeed some of his matrimonial peculiarities," +she said, blushing. + +I was amazed--but recalled myself. "But why do they call the Duke +of Kohlslau Black Michael?" I asked carelessly. + +"Because be is nearly black, sir. You see, when the great Prince +Rupert went abroad in the old time he visited England, Scotland, +and Africa. They say he married an African lady there--and that +the Duke is really more in the direct line of succession than +Prince Rupert." + +But here the daughter showed me to my room. She blushed, of +course, and apologized for not bringing a candle, as she thought my +hair was sufficiently illuminating. "But," she added with another +blush, "I do SO like it." + +I replied by giving her something of no value,--a Belgian nickel +which wouldn't pass in Bock, as I had found to my cost. But my +hair had evidently attracted attention from others, for on my +return to the guest-room a stranger approached me, and in the +purest and most precise German--the Court or 'Olland Hof speech-- +addressed me: + +"Have you the red hair of the fair King or the hair of your +father?" + +Luckily I was able to reply with the same purity and precision: "I +have both the hair of the fair King and my own. But I have not the +hair of my father nor of Black Michael, nor of the innkeeper nor +the innkeeper's wife. The red HEIR of the fair King would be a +son." + +Possibly this delicate mot on the approaching marriage of the King +was lost in the translation, for the stranger strode abruptly away. +I learned, however, that the King was actually then in Bock, at the +castle a few miles distant, in the woods. I resolved to stroll +thither. + +It was a fine old mediaeval structure. But as the singular +incidents I am about to relate combine the romantic and adventurous +atmosphere of the middle ages with all the appliances of modern +times, I may briefly state that the castle was lit by electricity, +bad fire-escapes on each of the turrets, four lifts, and was fitted +up by one of the best West End establishments. The sanitary +arrangements were excellent, and the drainage of the most perfect +order, as I had reason to know personally later. I was so affected +by the peaceful solitude that I lay down under a tree and presently +fell asleep. I was awakened by the sound of voices, and, looking +up, beheld two men bending over me. One was a grizzled veteran, +and the other a younger dandyfied man; both were dressed in +shooting suits. + +"Never saw such a resemblance before in all my life," said the +elder man. "'Pon my soul! if the King hadn't got shaved yesterday +because the Princess Flirtia said his beard tickled her, I'd swear +it was he!" + +I could not help thinking how lucky it was--for this narrative-- +that the King HAD shaved, otherwise my story would have degenerated +into a mere Comedy of Errors. Opening my eyes, I said boldly: + +"Now that you are satisfied who I resemble, gentlemen, perhaps you +will tell me who you are?" + +"Certainly," said the elder curtly. "I am Spitz--a simple colonel +of his Majesty's, yet, nevertheless, the one man who runs this +whole dynasty--and this young gentleman is Fritz, my lieutenant. +And you are--?" + +"My name is Razorbill--brother to Lord Burleydon," I replied +calmly. + +"Good heavens! another of the lot!" he muttered. Then, correcting +himself, he said brusquely: "Any relation to that Englishwoman who +was so sweet on the old Rupert centuries ago?" + +Here, again, I suppose my sister-in-law would have had me knock +down the foreign insulter of my English ancestress--but I colored +to the roots of my hair, and even farther--with pleasure at this +proof of my royal descent! And then a cheery voice was heard +calling "Spitz!" and "Fritz!" through the woods. + +"The King!" said Spitz to Fritz quickly. "He must not see him." + +"Too late," said Fritz, as a young man bounded lightly out of the +bushes. + +I was thunderstruck! It was as if I had suddenly been confronted +with a mirror--and beheld myself! Of course he was not quite so +good-looking, or so tall, but he was still a colorable imitation! +I was delighted. + +Nevertheless, for a moment he did not seem to reciprocate my +feeling. He stared at me, staggered back and passed his hand +across his forehead. "Can it be," he muttered thickly, "that I've +got 'em agin? Yet I only had--shingle glash!" + +But Fritz quickly interposed. + +"Your Majesty is all right--though," he added in a lower voice, +"let this be a warning to you for to-morrow! This gentleman is Mr. +Razorbill--you know the old story of the Razorbills?--Ha! ha!" + +But the King did not laugh; he extended his hand and said gently, +"You are welcome--my cousin!" Indeed, my sister-in-law would have +probably said that--dissipated though he was--he was the only +gentleman there. + +"I have come to see the coronation, your Majesty," I said. + +"And you shall," said the King heartily, "and shall go with us! +The show can't begin without us--eh, Spitz?" he added playfully, +poking the veteran in the ribs, "whatever Michael may do!" + +Then he linked his arms in Spitz's and mine. "Let's go to the hut-- +and have some supper and fizz," he said gayly. + +We went to the hut. We had supper. We ate and drank heavily. We +danced madly around the table. Nevertheless I thought that Spitz +and Fritz were worried by the King's potations, and Spitz at last +went so far as to remind his Majesty that they were to start early +in the morning for Kohlslau. I noticed also that as the King drank +his speech grew thicker and Spitz and Fritz exchanged glances. At +last Spitz said with stern significance: + +"Your Majesty has not forgotten the test invariably submitted to +the King at his coronation?" + +"Shertenly not," replied the King, with his reckless laugh. "The +King mush be able to pronounsh--name of his country--intel-lillil- +gibly: mush shay (hic!): 'I'm King of--King of--Tootoo-tooral- +looral-anyer.'" He staggered, laughed, and fell under the table. + +"He cannot say it!" gasped Fritz and Spitz in one voice. "He is +lost!" + +"Unless," said Fritz suddenly, pointing at me with a flash of +intelligence, "HE can personate him, and say it. Can you?" he +turned to me brusquely. + +It was an awful moment. I had been drinking heavily too, but I +resolved to succeed. "I'm King of Trooly-rooly--" I murmured; but +I could not master it--I staggered and followed the King under the +table. + +"Is there no one here," roared Spitz, "who can shave thish dynasty, +and shay 'Tooral--'? No! ---- it! I mean 'Trularlooral--'" but +he, too, lurched hopelessly forward. + +"No one can say 'Tooral-looral--'" muttered Fritz; and, grasping +Spitz in despair, they both rolled under the table. + +How long we lay there, Heaven knows! I was awakened by Spitz +playing the garden hose on me. He was booted and spurred, with +Fritz by his side. The King was lying on a bench, saying feebly: +"Blesh you, my chillen." + +"By politely acceding to Black Michael's request to 'try our one- +and-six sherry,' he has been brought to this condition," said Spitz +bitterly. "It's a trick to keep him from being crowned. In this +country if the King is crowned while drunk, the kingdom instantly +reverts to a villain--no matter who. But in this case the villain +is Black Michael. Ha! What say you, lad? Shall we frustrate the +rascal, by having YOU personate the King?" + +I was--well!--intoxicated at the thought! But what would my +sister-in-law say? Would she--in her Nonconformist conscience-- +consider it strictly honorable? But I swept all scruples aside. A +King was to be saved! "I will go," I said. "Let us on to +Kohlslau--riding like the wind!" We rode like the wind, furiously, +madly. Mounted on a wild, dashing bay--known familiarly as the +"Bay of Biscay" from its rough turbulence--I easily kept the lead. +But our horses began to fail. Suddenly Spitz halted, clapped his +hand to his head, and threw himself from his horse. "Fools!" he +said, "we should have taken the train! It will get there an hour +before we will!" He pointed to a wayside station where the 7.15 +excursion train for Kohlslau was waiting. + +"But how dreadfully unmediaeval!--What will the public say?" I +began. + +"Bother the public!" he said gruffly. "Who's running this dynasty-- +you or I? Come!" With the assistance of Fritz he tied up my face +with a handkerchief to simulate toothache, and then, with a shout +of defiance, we three rushed madly into a closely packed third- +class carriage. + +Never shall I forget the perils, the fatigue, the hopes and fears +of that mad journey. Panting, perspiring, packed together with +cheap trippers, but exalted with the one hope of saving the King, +we at last staggered out on the Kohlslau platform utterly +exhausted. As we did so we heard a distant roar from the city. +Fritz turned an ashen gray, Spitz a livid blue. "Are we too late?" +he gasped, as we madly fought our way into the street, where shouts +of "The King! The King!" were rending the air. "Can it be Black +Michael?" But here the crowd parted, and a procession, preceded by +outriders, flashed into the square. And there, seated in a +carriage beside the most beautiful red-haired girl I had ever seen, +was the King,--the King whom we had left two hours ago, dead drunk +in the hut in the forest! + + +CHAPTERS III TO XXII (Inclusive) + +IN WHICH THINGS GET MIXED + + +We reeled against each other aghast! Spitz recovered himself +first. "We must fly!" he said hoarsely. "If the King has +discovered our trick--we are lost!" + +"But where shall we go?" I asked. + +"Back to the hut." + +We caught the next train to Bock. An hour later we stood panting +within the hut. Its walls and ceiling were splashed with sinister +red stains. "Blood!" I exclaimed joyfully. "At last we have a +real mediaeval adventure!" + +"It's Burgundy, you fool," growled Spitz; "good Burgundy wasted!" +At this moment Fritz appeared dragging in the hut-keeper. + +"Where is the King?" demanded Spitz fiercely of the trembling +peasant. + +"He was carried away an hour ago by Black Michael and taken to the +castle." + +"And when did he LEAVE the castle?" roared Spitz. + +"He never left the castle, sir, and, alas! I fear never will, +alive!" replied the man, shuddering. + +We stared at each other! Spitz bit his grizzled mustache. "So," +he said bitterly, "Black Michael has simply anticipated us with the +same game! We have been tricked. I knew it could not be the King +whom they crowned! No!" he added quickly, "I see it all--it was +Rupert of Glasgow!" + +"Who is Rupert of Glasgow?" I cried. + +"Oh, I really can't go over all that family rot again," grunted +Spitz. "Tell him, Fritz." + +Then, taking me aside, Fritz delicately informed me that Rupert of +Glasgow--a young Scotchman--claimed equally with myself descent +from the old Rupert, and that equally with myself he resembled the +King. That Michael had got possession of him on his arrival in the +country, kept him closely guarded in the castle, and had hid his +resemblance in a black wig and false mustache; that the young +Scotchman, however, seemed apparently devoted to Michael and his +plots; and there was undoubtedly some secret understanding between +them. That it was evidently Michael's trick to have the pretender +crowned, and then, by exposing the fraud and the condition of the +real King, excite the indignation of the duped people, and seat +himself on the throne! "But," I burst out, "shall this base-born +pretender remain at Kohlslau beside the beautiful Princess Flirtia? +Let us to Kohlslau at once and hurl him from the throne!" + +"One pretender is as good as another," said Spitz dryly. "But +leave HIM to me. 'Tis the King we must protect and succor! As for +that Scotch springald, before midnight I shall have him kidnaped, +brought back to his master in a close carriage, and you--YOU shall +take his place at Kohlslau." + +"I will," I said enthusiastically, drawing my sword; "but I have +done nothing yet. Please let me kill something!" + +"Aye, lad!" said Spitz, with a grim smile at my enthusiasm. +"There's a sheep in your path. Go out and cleave it to the saddle. +And bring the saddle home!" + +My sister-in-law might have thought me cruel--but I did it. + + +CHAP XXIII AND SOME OTHER CHAPS + + +I know not how it was compassed, but that night Rupert of Glasgow +was left bound and gagged against the door of the castle, and the +night-bell pulled. And that night I was seated on the throne of +the S'helpburgs. As I gazed at the Princess Flirtia, glowing in +the characteristic beauty of the S'helpburgs, and admired her +striking profile, I murmured softly and half audibly: "Her nose is +as a tower that looketh toward Damascus." + +She looked puzzled, and knitted her pretty brows. "Is that +poetry?" she asked. + +"No" I said promptly. "It's only part of a song of our great +Ancestor." As she blushed slightly, I playfully flung around her +fair neck the jeweled collar of the Order of the S'helpburgs--three +golden spheres pendant, quartered from the arms of Lombardy---with +the ancient Syric motto, El Ess Dee. + +She toyed with it a moment, and then said softly: "You have +changed, Rupert. Do ye no ken hoo?" + +I looked at her--as surprised at her dialect as at the imputation. + +"You don't talk that way, as you did. And you don't say, 'It WILL +be twelve o'clock,' when you mean, 'It IS twelve o'clock,' nor 'I +will be going out,' when you mean 'I AM.' And you didn't say, 'Eh, +sirs!' or 'Eh, mon,' to any of the Court--nor 'Hoot awa!' nor any +of those things. And," she added with a divine little pout, "you +haven't told me I was 'sonsie' or 'bonnie' once." + +I could with difficulty restrain myself. Rage, indignation, and +jealousy filled my heart almost to bursting. I understood it all; +that rascally Scotchman had made the most of his time, and dared to +get ahead of me! I did not mind being taken for the King, but to +be confounded with this infernal descendant of a gamekeeper--was +too much! Yet with a superhuman effort I remained calm--and even +smiled. + +"You are not well?" said the Princess earnestly. "I thought you +were taking too much of the Strasbourg pie at supper! And you are +not going, surely--so soon?" she added, as I rose. + +"I must go at once," I said. "I have forgotten some important +business at Bock." + +"Not boar hunting again?" she said poutingly. + +"No, I'm hunting a red dear," I said with that playful subtlety +which would make her take it as a personal compliment, though I was +only thinking of that impostor, and longing to get at him, as I +bowed and withdrew. + +In another hour I was before Black Michael's castle at Bock. These +are lightning changes, I know--and the sovereignty of +Trulyruralania WAS somewhat itinerant--but when a kingdom and a +beautiful Princess are at stake, what are you to do? Fritz had +begged me to take him along, but I arranged that he should come +later, and go up unostentatiously in the lift. I was going by way +of the moat. I was to succor the King, but I fear my real object +was to get at Rupert of Glasgow. + +I had noticed the day before that a large outside drain pipe, +decreed by the Bock County Council, ran from the moat to the third +floor of the donjon keep. I surmised that the King was imprisoned +on that floor. Examining the pipe closely, I saw that it was +really a pneumatic dispatch tube, for secretly conveying letters +and dispatches from the castle through the moat beyond the castle +walls. Its extraordinary size, however, gave me the horrible +conviction that it was to be used to convey the dead body of the +King to the moat. I grew cold with horror--but I was determined. + +I crept up the pipe. As I expected, it opened funnel-wise into a +room where the poor King was playing poker with Black Michael. It +took me but a moment to dash through the window into the room, push +the King aside, gag and bind Black Michael, and lower him by a +stout rope into the pipe he had destined for another. Having him +in my power, I lowered him until I heard his body splash in the +water in the lower part of the pipe. Then I proceeded to draw him +up again, intending to question him in regard to Rupert of Glasgow. +But this was difficult, as his saturated clothing made him fit the +smooth pipe closely. At last I had him partly up, when I was +amazed at a rush of water from the pipe which flooded the room. I +dropped him and pulled him up again with the same result. Then in +a flash I saw it all. His body, acting like a piston in the pipe, +had converted it into a powerful pump. Mad with joy, I rapidly +lowered and pulled him up again and again, until the castle was +flooded--and the moat completely drained! I had created the +diversion I wished; the tenants of the castle were disorganized and +bewildered in trying to escape from the deluge, and the moat was +accessible to my friends. Placing the poor King on a table to be +out of the water, and tying up his head in my handkerchief to +disguise him from Michael's guards, I drew my sword and plunged +downstairs with the cataract in search of the miscreant Rupert. I +reached the drawbridge, when I heard the sounds of tumult and was +twice fired at,--once, as I have since learned, by my friends, +under the impression that I was the escaping Rupert of Glasgow, and +once by Black Michael's myrmidons, under the belief that I was the +King. I was struck by the fact that these resemblances were +confusing and unfortunate! At this moment, however, I caught sight +of a kilted figure leaping from a lower window into the moat. Some +instinct impelled me to follow it. It rapidly crossed the moat and +plunged into the forest, with me in pursuit. I gained upon it; +suddenly it turned, and I found myself again confronted with +MYSELF--and apparently the King! But that very resemblance made me +recognize the Scotch pretender, Rupert of Glasgow. Yet he would +have been called a "braw laddie," and his handsome face showed a +laughing good humor, even while he opposed me, claymore in hand. + +"Bide a wee, Maister Rupert Razorbill," he said lightly, lowering +his sword, "before we slit ane anither's weasands. I'm no claimin' +any descent frae kings, and I'm no acceptin' any auld wife's +clavers against my women forbears, as ye are! I'm just paid gude +honest siller by Black Michael for the using of ma face and figure-- +sic time as his Majesty is tae worse frae trink! And I'm +commeesioned frae Michael to ask ye what price YE would take to +join me in performing these duties--turn and turn aboot. Eh, +laddie--but he would pay ye mair than that daft beggar, Spitz." + +Rage and disgust overpowered me. "And THIS is my answer," I said, +rushing upon him. + +I have said earlier in these pages that I was a "strong" swordsman. +In point of fact, I had carefully studied in the transpontine +theatres that form of melodramatic mediaeval sword-play known as +"two up and two down." To my disgust, however, this wretched +Scotchman did not seem to understand it, but in a twinkling sent my +sword flying over my head. Before I could recover it, he had +mounted a horse ready saddled in the wood, and, shouting to me that +he would take my "compleements" to the Princess, galloped away. +Even then I would have pursued him afoot, but, hearing shouts +behind me, I turned as Spitz and Fritz rode up. + +"Has the King escaped to Kohlslau?" asked Fritz, staring at me. + +"No," I said, "but Rupert of Glasgow"-- + +"--Rupert of Glasgow," growled Spitz. "We've settled him! He's +gagged and bound and is now on his way to the frontier in a close +carriage." + +"Rupert--on his way to the frontier?" I gasped. + +"Yes. Two of my men found him, disguised with a handkerchief over +his face, trying to escape from the castle. And while we were +looking for the King, whom we supposed was with you, they have sent +the rascally Scotchman home." + +"Fool!" I gasped. "Rupert of Glasgow has just left me! YOU HAVE +DEPORTED YOUR OWN KING." And overcome by my superhuman exertions, +I sank unconscious to the ground. + +When I came to, I found myself in a wagon lit, speeding beyond the +Trulyruralania frontier. On my berth was lying a missive with the +seal of the S'helpburgs. Tearing it open I recognized the +handwriting of the Princess Flirtia. + + +MY DEAR RUPERT,--Owing to the confusion that arises from there +being so many of you, I have concluded to accept the hand of the +Duke Michael. I may not become a Queen, but I shall bring rest to +my country, and Michael assures me in his playful manner that +"three of a kind," "even of the same color," do not always win at +poker. It will tranquilize you somewhat to know that the Lord +Chancellor assures me that on examining the records of the dynasty +he finds that my ancestor Rupert never left his kingdom during his +entire reign, and that consequently your ancestress has been +grossly maligned. I am sending typewritten copies of this to +Rupert of Glasgow and the King. Farewell. + +FLIRTIA. + + +Once a year, at Christmastide, I receive a simple foreign hamper +via Charing Cross, marked "Return empty." I take it in silence to +my own room, and there, opening it, I find--unseen by any other +eyes but my own--a modest pate de foie gras, of the kind I ate with +the Princess Flirtia. I take out the pate, replace the label, and +have the hamper reconveyed to Charing Cross. + + + +THE STOLEN CIGAR CASE + +By A. CO--N D--LE + + +I found Hemlock Jones in the old Brook Street lodgings, musing +before the fire. With the freedom of an old friend I at once threw +myself in my usual familiar attitude at his feet, and gently +caressed his boot. I was induced to do this for two reasons: one, +that it enabled me to get a good look at his bent, concentrated +face, and the other, that it seemed to indicate my reverence for +his superhuman insight. So absorbed was he even then, in tracking +some mysterious clue, that he did not seem to notice me. But +therein I was wrong--as I always was in my attempt to understand +that powerful intellect. + +"It is raining," he said, without lifting his head. + +"You have been out, then?" I said quickly. + +"No. But I see that your umbrella is wet, and that your overcoat +has drops of water on it." + +I sat aghast at his penetration. After a pause he said carelessly, +as if dismissing the subject: "Besides, I hear the rain on the +window. Listen." + +I listened. I could scarcely credit my ears, but there was the +soft pattering of drops on the panes. It was evident there was no +deceiving this man! + +"Have you been busy lately?" I asked, changing the subject. "What +new problem--given up by Scotland Yard as inscrutable--has occupied +that gigantic intellect?" + +He drew back his foot slightly, and seemed to hesitate ere he +returned it to its original position. Then he answered wearily: +"Mere trifles--nothing to speak of. The Prince Kupoli has been +here to get my advice regarding the disappearance of certain rubies +from the Kremlin; the Rajah of Pootibad, after vainly beheading his +entire bodyguard, has been obliged to seek my assistance to recover +a jeweled sword. The Grand Duchess of Pretzel-Brauntswig is +desirous of discovering where her husband was on the night of +February 14; and last night"--he lowered his voice slightly--"a +lodger in this very house, meeting me on the stairs, wanted to know +why they didn't answer his bell." + +I could not help smiling--until I saw a frown gathering on his +inscrutable forehead. + +"Pray remember," he said coldly, "that it was through such an +apparently trivial question that I found out Why Paul Ferroll +Killed His Wife, and What Happened to Jones!" + +I became dumb at once. He paused for a moment, and then suddenly +changing back to his usual pitiless, analytical style, he said: +"When I say these are trifles, they are so in comparison to an +affair that is now before me. A crime has been committed,--and, +singularly enough, against myself. You start," he said. "You +wonder who would have dared to attempt it. So did I; nevertheless, +it has been done. I have been ROBBED!" + +YOU robbed! You, Hemlock Jones, the Terror of Peculators!" I +gasped in amazement, arising and gripping the table as I faced him. + +"Yes! Listen. I would confess it to no other. But YOU who have +followed my career, who know my methods; you, for whom I have +partly lifted the veil that conceals my plans from ordinary +humanity,--you, who have for years rapturously accepted my +confidences, passionately admired my inductions and inferences, +placed yourself at my beck and call, become my slave, groveled at +my feet, given up your practice except those few unremunerative and +rapidly decreasing patients to whom, in moments of abstraction over +MY problems, you have administered strychnine for quinine and +arsenic for Epsom salts; you, who have sacrificed anything and +everybody to me,--YOU I make my confidant!" + +I arose and embraced him warmly, yet he was already so engrossed in +thought that at the same moment he mechanically placed his hand +upon his watch chain as if to consult the time. "Sit down," he +said. "Have a cigar?" + +"I have given up cigar smoking," I said. + +"Why?" he asked. + +I hesitated, and perhaps colored. I had really given it up +because, with my diminished practice, it was too expensive. I +could afford only a pipe. "I prefer a pipe," I said laughingly. +"But tell me of this robbery. What have you lost?" + +He arose, and planting himself before the fire with his hands under +his coattails, looked down upon me reflectively for a moment. "Do +you remember the cigar case presented to me by the Turkish +Ambassador for discovering the missing favorite of the Grand Vizier +in the fifth chorus girl at the Hilarity Theatre? It was that one. +I mean the cigar case. It was incrusted with diamonds." + +"And the largest one had been supplanted by paste," I said. + +"Ah," he said, with a reflective smile, you know that?" + +"You told me yourself. I remember considering it a proof of your +extraordinary perception. But, by Jove, you don't mean to say you +have lost it?" + +He was silent for a moment. "No; it has been stolen, it is true, +but I shall still find it. And by myself alone! In your +profession, my dear fellow, when a member is seriously ill, he does +not prescribe for himself, but calls in a brother doctor. Therein +we differ. I shall take this matter in my own hands." + +"And where could you find better?" I said enthusiastically. "I +should say the cigar case is as good as recovered already." + +"I shall remind you of that again," he said lightly. "And now, to +show you my confidence in your judgment, in spite of my +determination to pursue this alone, I am willing to listen to any +suggestions from you." + +He drew a memorandum book from his pocket and, with a grave smile, +took up his pencil. + +I could scarcely believe my senses. He, the great Hemlock Jones, +accepting suggestions from a humble individual like myself! I +kissed his hand reverently, and began in a joyous tone: + +"First, I should advertise, offering a reward; I should give the +same intimation in hand-bills, distributed at the 'pubs' and the +pastry-cooks'. I should next visit the different pawnbrokers; I +should give notice at the police station. I should examine the +servants. I should thoroughly search the house and my own pockets. +I speak relatively," I added, with a laugh. "Of course I mean YOUR +own." + +He gravely made an entry of these details. + +"Perhaps," I added, "you have already done this?" + +"Perhaps," he returned enigmatically. "Now, my dear friend," he +continued, putting the note-book in his pocket and rising, "would +you excuse me for a few moments? Make yourself perfectly at home +until I return; there may be some things," he added with a sweep of +his hand toward his heterogeneously filled shelves, "that may +interest you and while away the time. There are pipes and tobacco +in that corner." + +Then nodding to me with the same inscrutable face he left the room. +I was too well accustomed to his methods to think much of his +unceremonious withdrawal, and made no doubt he was off to +investigate some clue which had suddenly occurred to his active +intelligence. + +Left to myself I cast a cursory glance over his shelves. There +were a number of small glass jars containing earthy substances, +labeled "Pavement and Road Sweepings," from the principal +thoroughfares and suburbs of London, with the sub-directions "for +identifying foot-tracks." There were several other jars, labeled +"Fluff from Omnibus and Road Car Seats," "Cocoanut Fibre and Rope +Strands from Mattings in Public Places," "Cigarette Stumps and +Match Ends from Floor of Palace Theatre, Row A, 1 to 50." +Everywhere were evidences of this wonderful man's system and +perspicacity. + +I was thus engaged when I heard the slight creaking of a door, and +I looked up as a stranger entered. He was a rough-looking man, +with a shabby overcoat and a still more disreputable muffler around +his throat and the lower part of his face. Considerably annoyed at +his intrusion, I turned upon him rather sharply, when, with a +mumbled, growling apology for mistaking the room, he shuffled out +again and closed the door. I followed him quickly to the landing +and saw that he disappeared down the stairs. With my mind full of +the robbery, the incident made a singular impression upon me. I +knew my friend's habit of hasty absences from his room in his +moments of deep inspiration; it was only too probable that, with +his powerful intellect and magnificent perceptive genius +concentrated on one subject, he should be careless of his own +belongings, and no doubt even forget to take the ordinary +precaution of locking up his drawers. I tried one or two and found +that I was right, although for some reason I was unable to open one +to its fullest extent. The handles were sticky, as if some one had +opened them with dirty fingers. Knowing Hemlock's fastidious +cleanliness, I resolved to inform him of this circumstance, but I +forgot it, alas! until--but I am anticipating my story. + +His absence was strangely prolonged. I at last seated myself by +the fire, and lulled by warmth and the patter of the rain on the +window, I fell asleep. I may have dreamt, for during my sleep I +had a vague semi-consciousness as of hands being softly pressed on +my pockets--no doubt induced by the story of the robbery. When I +came fully to my senses, I found Hemlock Jones sitting on the other +side of the hearth, his deeply concentrated gaze fixed on the fire. + +"I found you so comfortably asleep that I could not bear to awaken +you," he said, with a smile. + +I rubbed my eyes. "And what news?" I asked. "How have you +succeeded?" + +"Better than I expected," he said, "and I think," he added, tapping +his note-book, "I owe much to YOU." + +Deeply gratified, I awaited more. But in vain. I ought to have +remembered that in his moods Hemlock Jones was reticence itself. I +told him simply of the strange intrusion, but he only laughed. + +Later, when I arose to go, he looked at me playfully. "If you were +a married man," he said, "I would advise you not to go home until +you had brushed your sleeve. There are a few short brown sealskin +hairs on the inner side of your forearm, just where they would have +adhered if your arm had encircled a seal-skin coat with some +pressure!" + +"For once you are at fault," I said triumphantly; "the hair is my +own, as you will perceive; I have just had it cut at the +hairdresser's, and no doubt this arm projected beyond the apron." + +He frowned slightly, yet, nevertheless, on my turning to go he +embraced me warmly--a rare exhibition in that man of ice. He even +helped me on with my overcoat and pulled out and smoothed down the +flaps of my pockets. He was particular, too, in fitting my arm in +my overcoat sleeve, shaking the sleeve down from the armhole to the +cuff with his deft fingers. "Come again soon!" he said, clapping +me on the back. + +"At any and all times," I said enthusiastically; "I only ask ten +minutes twice a day to eat a crust at my office, and four hours' +sleep at night, and the rest of my time is devoted to you always, +as you know." + +"It is indeed," he said, with his impenetrable smile. + +Nevertheless, I did not find him at home when I next called. One +afternoon, when nearing my own home, I met him in one of his +favorite disguises,--a long blue swallow-tailed coat, striped +cotton trousers, large turn-over collar, blacked face, and white +hat, carrying a tambourine. Of course to others the disguise was +perfect, although it was known to myself, and I passed him-- +according to an old understanding between us--without the slightest +recognition, trusting to a later explanation. At another time, as +I was making a professional visit to the wife of a publican at the +East End, I saw him, in the disguise of a broken-down artisan, +looking into the window of an adjacent pawnshop. I was delighted +to see that he was evidently following my suggestions, and in my +joy I ventured to tip him a wink; it was abstractedly returned. + +Two days later I received a note appointing a meeting at his +lodgings that night. That meeting, alas! was the one memorable +occurrence of my life, and the last meeting I ever had with Hemlock +Jones! I will try to set it down calmly, though my pulses still +throb with the recollection of it. + +I found him standing before the fire, with that look upon his face +which I had seen only once or twice in our acquaintance--a look +which I may call an absolute concatenation of inductive and +deductive ratiocination--from which all that was human, tender, or +sympathetic was absolutely discharged. He was simply an icy +algebraic symbol! Indeed, his whole being was concentrated to that +extent that his clothes fitted loosely, and his head was absolutely +so much reduced in size by his mental compression that his hat +tipped back from his forehead and literally hung on his massive +ears. + +After I had entered he locked the doors, fastened the windows, and +even placed a chair before the chimney. As I watched these +significant precautions with absorbing interest, he suddenly drew a +revolver and, presenting it to my temple, said in low, icy tones: + +"Hand over that cigar case!" + +Even in my bewilderment my reply was truthful, spontaneous, and +involuntary. "I haven't got it," I said. + +He smiled bitterly, and threw down his revolver. "I expected that +reply! Then let me now confront you with something more awful, +more deadly, more relentless and convincing than that mere lethal +weapon,--the damning inductive and deductive proofs of your guilt!" +He drew from his pocket a roll of paper and a note-book. + +"But surely," I gasped, "you are joking! You could not for a +moment believe"-- + +"Silence! Sit down!" I obeyed. + +"You have condemned yourself," he went on pitilessly. "Condemned +yourself on my processes,--processes familiar to you, applauded by +you, accepted by you for years! We will go back to the time when +you first saw the cigar case. Your expressions," he said in cold, +deliberate tones, consulting his paper, were, 'How beautiful! I +wish it were mine.' This was your first step in crime--and my +first indication. From 'I WISH it were mine' to 'I WILL have it +mine,' and the mere detail, 'HOW CAN I make it mine?' the advance +was obvious. Silence! But as in my methods it was necessary that +there should be an overwhelming inducement to the crime, that +unholy admiration of yours for the mere trinket itself was not +enough. You are a smoker of cigars." + +"But," I burst out passionately, "I told you I had given up smoking +cigars." + +"Fool!" he said coldly, "that is the SECOND time you have committed +yourself. Of course you told me! What more natural than for you +to blazon forth that prepared and unsolicited statement to PREVENT +accusation. Yet, as I said before, even that wretched attempt to +cover up your tracks was not enough. I still had to find that +overwhelming, impelling motive necessary to affect a man like you. +That motive I found in the strongest of all impulses--Love, I +suppose you would call it," he added bitterly, "that night you +called! You had brought the most conclusive proofs of it on your +sleeve." + +"But--" I almost screamed. + +"Silence!" he thundered. "I know what you would say. You would +say that even if you had embraced some Young Person in a sealskin +coat, what had that to do with the robbery? Let me tell you, then, +that that sealskin coat represented the quality and character of +your fatal entanglement! You bartered your honor for it--that +stolen cigar case was the purchaser of the sealskin coat! + +"Silence! Having thoroughly established your motive, I now proceed +to the commission of the crime itself. Ordinary people would have +begun with that--with an attempt to discover the whereabouts of the +missing object. These are not MY methods." + +So overpowering was his penetration that, although I knew myself +innocent, I licked my lips with avidity to hear the further details +of this lucid exposition of my crime. + +"You committed that theft the night I showed you the cigar case, +and after I had carelessly thrown it in that drawer. You were +sitting in that chair, and I had arisen to take something from that +shelf. In that instant you secured your booty without rising. +Silence! Do you remember when I helped you on with your overcoat +the other night? I was particular about fitting your arm in. +While doing so I measured your arm with a spring tape measure, from +the shoulder to the cuff. A later visit to your tailor confirmed +that measurement. It proved to be THE EXACT DISTANCE BETWEEN YOUR +CHAIR AND THAT DRAWER!" + +I sat stunned. + +"The rest are mere corroborative details! You were again tampering +with the drawer when I discovered you doing so! Do not start! The +stranger that blundered into the room with a muffler on--was +myself! More, I had placed a little soap on the drawer handles +when I purposely left you alone. The soap was on your hand when I +shook it at parting. I softly felt your pockets, when you were +asleep, for further developments. I embraced you when you left-- +that I might feel if you had the cigar case or any other articles +hidden on your body. This confirmed me in the belief that you had +already disposed of it in the manner and for the purpose I have +shown you. As I still believed you capable of remorse and +confession, I twice allowed you to see I was on your track: once in +the garb of an itinerant negro minstrel, and the second time as a +workman looking in the window of the pawnshop where you pledged +your booty." + +"But," I burst out, "if you had asked the pawnbroker, you would +have seen how unjust"-- + +"Fool!" he hissed, "that was one of YOUR suggestions--to search the +pawnshops! Do you suppose I followed any of your suggestions, the +suggestions of the thief? On the contrary, they told me what to +avoid." + +"And I suppose," I said bitterly, "you have not even searched your +drawer?" + +"No," he said calmly. + +I was for the first time really vexed. I went to the nearest +drawer and pulled it out sharply. It stuck as it had before, +leaving a part of the drawer unopened. By working it, however, I +discovered that it was impeded by some obstacle that had slipped to +the upper part of the drawer, and held it firmly fast. Inserting +my hand, I pulled out the impeding object. It was the missing +cigar case! I turned to him with a cry of joy. + +But I was appalled at his expression. A look of contempt was now +added to his acute, penetrating gaze. "I have been mistaken," he +said slowly; "I had not allowed for your weakness and cowardice! I +thought too highly of you even in your guilt! But I see now why +you tampered with that drawer the other night. By some +inexplicable means--possibly another theft--you took the cigar case +out of pawn and, like a whipped hound, restored it to me in this +feeble, clumsy fashion. You thought to deceive me, Hemlock Jones! +More, you thought to destroy my infallibility. Go! I give you +your liberty. I shall not summon the three policemen who wait in +the adjoining room--but out of my sight forever!" + +As I stood once more dazed and petrified, he took me firmly by the +ear and led me into the hall, closing the door behind him. This +reopened presently, wide enough to permit him to thrust out my hat, +overcoat, umbrella, and overshoes, and then closed against me +forever! + +I never saw him again. I am bound to say, however, that thereafter +my business increased, I recovered much of my old practice, and a +few of my patients recovered also. I became rich. I had a +brougham and a house in the West End. But I often wondered, +pondering on that wonderful man's penetration and insight, if, in +some lapse of consciousness, I had not really stolen his cigar +case! + + + +GOLLY AND THE CHRISTIAN, + +OR + +THE MINX AND THE MANXMAN + +By H--LL C--NE + + +BOOK I + + +Golly Coyle was the only granddaughter of a vague and somewhat +simple clergyman who existed, with an aunt, solely for Golly's +epistolary purposes. There was, of course, intermediate ancestry,-- +notably a dead mother who was French, and therefore responsible +for any later naughtiness in Golly,--but they have no purpose here. +They lived in the Isle of Man. Golly knew a good deal of Man, for +even at the age of twelve she was in love with John Gale--only son +of Lord Gale, who was connected with the Tempests. Gales, however, +were frequent and remarkable along the coast, so that it was not +singular that one day she found John "coming on" on a headland +where she was sitting. His dog had "pointed" her. "It's +exceedingly impolite to point to anything you want," said Golly. +Touched by this, and overcome by a strange emotion, John Gale +turned away and went to Canada. Slight as the incident was, it +showed that inborn chivalry to women, that desire for the Perfect +Life, that intense eagerness to incarnate Christianity in modern +society, which afterward distinguished him. Golly loved him! For +all that, she still remained a "tomboy" as she was,--robbing +orchards, mimicking tramps and policemen, buttering the stairs and +the steps of houses, tying kettles to dogs' tails, and marching in +a white jersey, with the curate's hat on, through the streets of +the village. "Gol dern my skin!" said the dear old clergyman, as +he tried to emerge from a surplice which Golly had stitched +together; "what spirits the child DO have!" Yet everybody loved +her! And when John Gale returned from Canada, and looked into her +big blue eyes one day at church, small wonder that he immediately +went off again to Paris, and an extended Continental sojourn, with +a serious leaning to theology! Golly bore his absence meekly but +characteristically; got a boat, disported like a duck in the water, +attempted to elope with a boy appropriately named Drake, but +encountered a half gale at sea and a whole Gale in John on a yacht, +who rescued them both. Convinced now that there was but one way to +escape from his Fate--Golly!--John Gale took holy orders and at +once started for London. As he stood on the deck of the steamer he +heard an imbecile chuckle in his ear. It was the simple old +clergyman: "You are going to London to join the Church, John; Golly +is going there, too, as hospital nurse. There's a pair of you! +He! he! Look after her, John, and protect her Manx simplicity." +Before John could recover himself, Golly was at his side executing +the final steps of a "cellar-door flap jig" to the light-hearted +refrain:-- + + + "We are a simple family--we are--we are--we are!" + + +And even as her pure young voice arose above the screams of the +departure whistle, she threw a double back-somersault on the +quarterdeck, cleverly alighting on the spikes of the wheel before +the delighted captain. + +"Jingle my electric bells," be said, looking at the bright young +thing, "but you're a regular minx--" + +"I beg your pardon," interrupted John Gale, with a quick flush. + +"I mean a regular MANX," said the captain hurriedly. + +A singular paleness crossed the deeply religious face of John. As +the vessel rose on the waves, he passed his hand hurriedly first +across his brows and then over his high-buttoned clerical +waistcoat, that visible sign of a devoted ascetic life! Then +murmuring in his low, deep voice, "Brandy, steward," he disappeared +below. + + +BOOK II + + +Glorious as were Golly's spirits, exquisitely simple her worldly +ignorance, and irresistible her powers of mimicry, strangely enough +they were considered out of place in St. Barabbas' Hospital. A +light-hearted disposition to mistake a blister for a poultice; that +rare Manx conscientiousness which made her give double doses to the +patients as a compensation when she had omitted to give them a +single one, and the faculty of bursting into song at the bedside of +a dying patient, produced some liveliness not unmixed with +perplexity among the hospital staff. It is true, however, that her +performance of clog-dancing during the night-watches drew a larger +and more persistent attendance of students and young surgeons than +ever was seen before. Yet everybody loved her! Even her patients! +"If it amooses you, miss, to make me tyke the pills wot's meant for +the lydy in the next ward, I ain't complyning," said an East End +newsboy. "When ye tyke off the style of the doctor wot wisits me, +miss, and imitates his wyes, Lawd! it does me as much good as his +mixtures," said a consumptive charwoman. Even thus, old and young +basked in the radiant youth of Golly. She found time to write to +her family:-- + + +DEAR OLD PALS! I'm here. J'y suis! bet your boots! While you're +wondering what has become of the Bright Young Thing, the B. Y. T. +is lookin' out of the winder of St. Barabbas' Hospital--just taking +in all of dear, roaring, dirty London in one gulp! Such a place-- +Lordy! I've been waiting three hours to see the crowd go by, and +they haven't gone yet! Such crowds, such busses,--all green and +blue, only a penny fare, and you can ride on top if you want to! +Think of that, you dear old Manx people! But there--"the bell goes +a-ringing for Sarah!"--they're calling for Nurse! That's the worst +of this job: they're always a-dyin' just as you're getting +interested in something else! Ta-ta! + +GOLLY! + + +Then her dear old grandfather wrote: + + +I'm wondering where my diddleums, Golly, is! We all miss you so +much, deary, though we don't miss so many little things as when you +were here. My dear, conscientious, unselfish little girl! You +don't say where John Gale is. Is he still protecting you--he-he!-- +you giddy, naughty thing! People wonder on the island why I let +you go alone to London--they forget your dear mother was a +Frenchwoman! If you see anything your dear old grandfather would +like--send it on. GRANFER. + + +Later, her aunt wrote:-- + + +Have you seen the Queen yet, and does she wear her crown at +breakfast? You might get over the area railing at Buckingham +Palace--it would be nothing for a girl like you to do--and see if +you can find out. + + +To these letters Golly answered, in her own light-hearted way:-- + + +DEAR GRANKINS,--I haven't seen John much--but I think he's like the +Private Secretary at the play--he "don't like London." Lordy! +there--I've let it out! I've been to a theayter. Nurse Jinny +Jones and me scrouged into the pit one night without paying, +"pertendin'," as we were in uniform, we had come to take out a +"Lydy" that had fainted. Such larks! and such a glorious theayter! +I'll tell you another time. Tell aunty the Queen's always out when +I call. But that's nothing, everybody else is so affable and +polite in London. Gentlemen--"real toffs," they call 'em--whom you +don't know from Adam--think nothing of speaking to you in the +street. Why, Nurse Jinny says--but there another patient's going +off who by rights oughter have died only to-morrow. "To-morrow and +to-morrow and to-morrow," as that barn-stormer actor said. But +they're always calling for that giddy young thing, + +Your GOLLY. + + +Meantime, John Gale, having abruptly left Golly at the door of St. +Barabbas' hospital, tactfully avoiding an unseemly altercation with +the cab-driver regarding her exact fare, pursued his way +thoughtfully to the residence of his uncle, the First Lord of the +Admiralty. He found his Lordship in his bath-room. He was leaning +over the bath-tub, which was half full of water, contemplating with +some anxiety the model of a line-of-battle ship which was floating +on it, bottom upward. "I don't think it can be quite right--do +you?" he said, nervously grasping his nephew's hand as he pointed +to the capsized vessel; "yet they always do it. Tell me!" he went +on appealingly, "tell me, as a professing Christian and a Perfect +Man--is it quite right?" + +"I should think, sir," responded John Gale, with uncompromising +truthfulness, "that the average vessel of commerce is not built in +that way." + +"Yet," said the First Lord of the Admiralty, with a far-off look, +"they all do it! And they don't steer! The larger they are and +the more recent the model, the less they steer. Dear me--you ought +to see 'em go round and round in that tub." Then, apparently +recalling the probable purpose of John's visit, he led the way into +his dressing-room. "So you are in London, dear boy. Is there any +little thing you want? I have," he continued, absently fumbling in +the drawers of his dressing-table, "a few curacies and a bishopric +somewhere, but with these blessed models--I can't think where they +are. Or what would you say to a nice chaplaincy in the navy, with +a becoming uniform, on one of those thingummies?" He pointed to +the bath-room. "Stay," he continued, as he passed his hand over +his perplexed brows, "now I think of it--you're quite unorthodox! +Dear me! that wouldn't do. You see, Drake,"--he paused, as John +Gale started,--"I mean Sir Francis Drake, once suspended his +chaplain for unorthodoxy, according to Froude's book. These +admirals are dreadfully strict Churchmen. No matter! Come again +some other time," he added, gently pushing his nephew downstairs +and into the street, "and we'll see about it." + +With a sinking heart, John turned his steps toward Westminster. He +would go and see Golly; perhaps he had not looked after her as he +ought. Suddenly a remembered voice, in mimicking accents, fell +upon his ear with the quotation, "Do you know?" Then, in a hansom +passing swiftly by him, Golly, in hospital dress with flying +ribbons, appeared, sitting between Lord Brownstone Ewer and Francis +Horatio Nelson Drake, completely grown up. And from behind floated +the inexpressibly sad refrain, "Hi tiddli hi!" + +This is how it happened. One morning, Jinny Jones, another +hospital nurse, had said to her, "Have you any objection, dear, to +seeing a friend of another gent, a friend of mine?" + +"None in the least, dear," said Golly. "I want to see all that can +be seen, and do all that can be done in London, and know the glory +thereof. I only require that I shall be allowed to love John Gale +whenever he permits it, which isn't often, and that I may be +permitted to write simple letters to my doting relations at the +rate of twelve pages a day, giving an account--MY OWN account--of +my doings. There! Go on now! Bring on your bears." + +They had visited the chambers which Lord Brownstone and Drake +occupied together, and in girlish innocence had put on the +gentlemen's clothes and danced before them. Then they all went to +the theatre, where Golly's delightful simplicity and childish +ignorance of the world had charmed them. Everything to her was +new, strange, and thrilling. She even leaned from the carriage +windows to see the "wheels go round." She was surprised at the +number of people in the theatre, and insisted on knowing if it was +church, because they all sat there in their best clothes so +quietly. She believed that the play was real, and frequently, from +a stage box, interrupted the acting with explanations. She +informed the heroine of the design of the villain waiting at the +wings. And when the aged mother of the heroine was dying of +starvation in a hovel, and she threw a bag of bonbons on the stage, +with the vociferous declaration that "Lord Brownstone had just +given them to her--but--Lordy!--SHE didn't want them," they were +obliged to lead her away, closely followed by an usher and a +policeman. "To think," she wrote to John Gale, "that the audience +only laughed and shouted, and never offered to help! And yet look +at the churches in London, where they dare to preach the gospel!" + +Fired by this simple letter, and alarmed by Golly's simplicity, +John Gale went to his clerical chief, Archdeacon Luxury, and +demanded permission to preach next Sunday. "Certainly," said the +Archdeacon; "you shall take my curate's place. I shall inform the +congregation that you are the son of Lord Gale. They are very +particular churchmen--all society people--and of course will be +satisfied with the work of the Lord, especially," he added, with a +polite smile, "when that work happens to be--the Lord Gale's son." +Accordingly, the next Sunday, John Gale occupied the pulpit of St. +Swithin. But an unexpected event happened. His pent-up eagerness +to denounce the present methods of Christianity, his fullness of +utterance, defeated his purpose. He was overcome with a kind of +pulpit fright. His ideas of time and place fled him. After +beginning, "Mr. Chairman, in rising to propose the toast of our +worthy Archdeacon--Fellow Manxmen--the present moment--er--er--the +proudest in my--er--life--Dearly beloved Golly--unaccustomed as I +am to public speaking," he abruptly delivered the benediction and +sat down. The incident, however, provoked little attention. The +congregation, accustomed to sleep through the sermon, awoke at the +usual time and went home. Only a single Scotchwoman said to him in +passing: "Verra weel for a beginning, laddie. But give it hotter +to 'em next time." Discomfited and bewildered, he communed with +himself gloomily. "I can't marry Golly. I can't talk. I hate +society. What's to be done? I have it! I'll go into a +monastery." + +He went into a monastery in Bishopsgate Street, reached by a +threepenny 'bus. He gave out vaguely that he had got into +"Something Good, in the City." Society was satisfied. Only Golly +suspected the truth. She wrote to her grandfather:-- + +"I saw John Gale the other day with a crowd following him in the +Strand. He had on only a kind of brown serge dressing-gown, tied +around his waist by a rope, and a hood on his head. I think his +poor 'toe-toes' were in sandals, and I dare say his legs were cold, +poor dear. However, if he calls THAT protection of Golly--I don't! +I might be run off at any moment--for all he'd help. No matter! +If this Court understands herself, and she thinks she do, Golly can +take care of herself--you bet." + +Nevertheless, Golly lost her place at the hospital through her +heroic defense of her friend Jinny Jones, who had been deceived by +Lord Brownstone Ewer. "You would drive that poor girl into the +street," she said furiously to the Chairman of the Board, throwing +her cap and apron in their faces. "You're a lot of rotten old +hypocrites, and I'm glad to get shut of you." Not content with +that, she went to Drake and demanded that he should make his friend +Lord Brownstone marry Jinny. + +"Sorry--awfully sorry--my dear Golly, but he's engaged to a rich +American girl who is to pay his debts; but I'll see that he does +something handsome for Jinny. And YOU, my child, what are YOU +going to do without a situation?" he added, with touching sympathy. +"You see, I've some vague idea of marrying you myself," he +concluded meditatively. + +"Thank you for nothing," interrupted Golly gayly, "but I can take +care of myself and follow out my mission like John Gale." + +"There's a pair of you, certainly," said Drake, with a tinge of +jealous bitterness. + +"You bet it's 'a pair' that will take your 'two knaves,' you and +your Lord Brownstone," returned Golly, dropping a mock courtesy. +"Ta-ta; I'm going on the stage." + + +BOOK III + + +She went first into a tobacconist's--and sold cigarettes. +Sometimes she suffered from actual want, and ate fried fish. "Do +you know how nice fried fish tastes in London,--you on 'the +Oilan'?" she wrote gayly. "I'm getting on splendidly; so's John +Gale, I suppose, though he's looking cadaverous from starving +himself all round. Tell aunty I haven't seen the Queen yet, though +after all I really believe she has not seen me." + +Then, after a severe struggle, she succeeded in getting on the +stage as a song and dance girl. She sang melodiously and danced +divinely, so remarkably that the ignorant public, knowing her to be +a Manx girl, and vaguely associating her with the symbol of the +Isle of Man, supposed she had three legs. She was the success of +the season; her cup of ambition was filled. It was slightly +embittered by the news that her friend Jinny Jones had killed +herself in the church at the wedding of her recreant lover and the +American heiress. But the affair was scarcely alluded to by the +Society papers--who were naturally shocked at the bad taste of the +deceased. And even Golly forgot it all--on the stage. + + +BOOK IV + + +Meanwhile John Gale, or Brother Boreas, as he was known in the +monastery, was submitting--among other rigors--to an exceptionally +severe winter in Bishopsgate Street, which seemed to have an Arctic +climate of its own,--possibly induced by the "freezing-out" process +of certain stock companies in its vicinity. + +"You are miserable, and eager to get out in the wicked world again, +my son, said the delightful old Superior, as he sat by the only +fire, sipping a glass of mulled port, when John came in from +shoveling snow outside. "I, therefore, merely to try you, shall +make you gatekeeper. The keys of the monastery front door are +under the door-mat in my cell, but I am a sound sleeper." He +smiled seraphically, and winked casually as he sipped his port. +"We will call it, if you please--a penance." + +John threw himself in an agony of remorse and shame at the feet of +the Superior. "It isn't of myself I'm thinking," he confessed +wildly, "but of that poor young man, Brother Bones, in the next +cell to mine. He is a living skeleton, has got only one lung and +an atrophied brain. A night out might do him good." + +The Father Superior frowned. "Do you know who he is?" + +"No." + +"His real name is Jones. Why do you start? You have heard it +before?" + +John had started, thinking of Jinny Jones, Golly's deserted and +self-immolated friend. + +"It is an uncommon name," he stammered--"for a monastery, I mean." + +"He is or was an uncommon man!" said the Superior gravely. "But," +he added resignedly, "we cannot pick and choose our company here. +Most of us have done something and have our own reasons for this +retreat. Brother Polygamus escaped here from the persecutions of +his sixth wife. Even I," continued the Superior with a gentle +smile, putting his feet comfortably on the mantelpiece, "have had +my little fling, and the dear boys used to say--ahem!--but this is +mere worldly vanity. You alone, my dear son, he went on with +slight severity, "seem to be wanting in some criminality, or--shall +I say?--some appropriate besetting sin to qualify you for this holy +retreat. An absolutely gratuitous and blameless idiocy appears to +be your only peculiarity, and for this you must do penance. From +this day henceforth, I make you doorkeeper! Go on with your +shoveling at present, and shut the door behind you; there's a +terrible draught in these corridors." + +For three days John Gale underwent an agony of doubt and +determination, and it still snowed in Bishopsgate Street. + +On the fourth evening he went to Brother Bones. + +"Would you like to have an evening out?" + +"I would," said Brother Bones. + +"What would you do?" + +"I would go to see my remaining sister." His left eyelid trembled +slowly in his cadaverous face. + +"But if you should hear she was ruined like the other? What would +you do?" + +A shudder passed over the man. "I have not got my little knife," +he said vacantly. + +True, he had not! The Brotherhood had no pockets,--or rather only +a corporate one, which belonged to the Superior. John Gale lifted +his eyes in sublime exaltation. "You shall go out," he said with +decision. "Muffle up until you are well out of Bishopsgate Street, +where it still snows." + +"But how did you get the keys?" said Brother Bones. + +"From under the Father Superior's door-mat." + +"But that was wrong, Brother." + +"The mat bore the inscription, 'Salve,' which you know in Latin +means 'Welcome,'" returned John Gale. "It was logically a +permission." + +The two men gazed at each other silently. A shudder passed over +the two left eyelids of their wan spiritual faces. + +"But I have no money," said Brother Bones. + +"Nor have I. But here is a 'bus ticket and a free pass to the +Gaiety. You will probably find Golly somewhere about. Tell her," +he said in a hollow voice, "that I'm getting on." + +"I will," said Brother Bones, with a deep cough. + +The gate opened and he disappeared in the falling snow. The +bloodhound kept by the monastery--one of the real Bishopsgate +breed--bayed twice, and licked its huge jaws in ghastly +anticipation. "I wonder," said John Gale as he resumed his +shoveling, "if I have done exactly right. Candor compels me to +admit that it is an open question." + + +BOOK V + + +Early the next morning, Brother Bones was brought home by Policeman +X, his hat crushed, his face haggard, his voice husky and +unintelligible. He only said vaguely, "Washertime?" + +"It is," said John Gale timidly, in explanation to Policeman X, "a +case of spiritual exhaustion following a vigil." + +"That warn't her name," said Policeman X sternly. "But don't let +this 'ere appen again." + +John Gale turned to Brother Bones. "Then you saw her--Golly?" + +"No," said Brother Bones. + +"Why? What on earth have you been doing?" + +"Dunno! Found myself in stashun--zis morning! Thashall!" + +Then John Gale sought the Superior in an agony of remorse, and +confessed all. "I am unfit to remain doorkeeper. Remove me," he +groaned bitterly. + +The old man smiled gently. "On the contrary, I should have given +you the keys myself. Hereafter you can keep them. The ways of our +Brotherhood are mysterious,--indeed, you may think idiotic,--but we +are not responsible for them. It's all Brother Caine's doing--it's +'All Caine!" + + +BOOK VI + + +Nevertheless, John Gale left the monastery. "The Bishopsgate +Street winter does not suit me," he briefly explained to the +Superior. "I must go south or southwest." + +But he did neither. He saw Golly, who was living west. He +upbraided her for going on the stage. She retorted: "Whose life is +the more artificial, yours or mine? It is true that we are both +imperfectly clothed," she added, glancing at a photograph of +herself in a short skirt, "and not always in our right mind--but +you've caught nothing but a cold! Nevertheless, I love you and you +love me." + +Then he begged her to go with him to the South Seas and take the +place of Father Damien among the colony of lepers. "It is a +beautiful place, and inexpensive, for we shall live only a few +weeks. What do you say, dearest? You know," he added, with a +faint, sad smile, glancing at another photograph of her,--executing +the high kick,--"you're quite a leaper yourself." + +But that night she received an offer of a new engagement. She +wrote to John Gale: "The South Seas is rather an expensive trip to +take simply to die. Couldn't we do it as cheaply at home? Or +couldn't you prevail on your Father Superior to set up his +monastery there? I'm afraid I'm not up to it. Why don't you try +the old 'Oilan,' nearer home? There's lots of measles and +diphtheria about there lately." + +When the heartbroken John Gale received this epistle, he also +received a letter from his uncle, the First Lord of the Admiralty. +"I don't fancy this Damien whim of yours. If you're really in +earnest about killing yourself, why not take a brief trial trip in +one of our latest ironclads? It's just as risky, although--as we +are obliged to keep these things quiet in the Office--you will not +of course get that publicity your noble soul craves." + +Abandoned by all in his noble purposes, John Gale took the first +steamer to the Isle of Man. + + +BOOK VII + + +But he did not remain there long. Once back in that epistolary +island, he wrote interminable letters to Golly. When they began to +bore each other, he returned to London and entered the Salvation +Army. Crowds flocked to hear him preach. He inveighed against +Society and Wickedness as represented in his mind by Golly and her +friends, and praised a perfect Christianity represented by himself +and HIS friends. A panic of the same remarkable character as the +Bishopsgate Street winter took possession of London. Old Moore's, +Zadkiel's, and Mother Shipton's prophecies were to be fulfilled at +an early and fixed date, with no postponement on account of +weather. Suddenly Society, John Drake, and Antichrist generally +combined by ousting him from his church, and turning it into a +music-hall for Golly! Then John Gale took his last and sublime +resolve. His duty as a perfect Christian was to kill Golly! His +logic was at once inscrutable, perfect, and--John Galish! + +With this sublime and lofty purpose, he called upon Golly. The +heroic girl saw his purpose in his eye--an eye at once black, +murderous, and Christian-like. For an instant she thought it was +better to succumb at once and thus end this remarkable attachment. +Suddenly through this chaos of Spiritual, Religious, Ecstatic, +Super-Egotistic whirl of confused thought, darted a gleam of +Common, Ordinary Horse Sense! John Gale saw it illumine her blue +eyes, and trembled. God in Mercy! If it came to THAT! + +"Sit down, John," she said calmly. Then, in her sweet, clear +voice, she said: "Did it ever occur to you, dearest, that a more +ridiculous, unconvincing, purposeless, insane, God-forsaken idiot +than you never existed? That you eclipse the wildest dreams of +insanity? That you are a mental and moral 'What-is-it?'" + +"It has occurred to me," he replied simply. "I began life with +vast asinine possibilities which fall to the lot of few men; yet I +cannot say that I have carried even THEM to a logical conclusion! +But YOU, love! YOU, darling! conceived in extravagance, born to +impossibility, a challenge to credulity, a problem to the +intellect, a 'missing word' for all ages,--are you aware of any one +as utterly unsympathetic, unreal, and untrue to nature as you are, +existing on the face of the earth, or in the waters under the +earth?" + +"You are right, dearest; there are none," she returned with the +same calm, level voice. "It is true that I have at times tried to +do something real and womanly, and not, you know, merely to +complicate a--a"--her voice faltered--"theatrical situation--but I +couldn't! Something impelled me otherwise. Now you know why I +became an actress! But even there I fail! THEY are allowed +reasoning power off the stage--I have none at any time! I laugh in +the wrong place--I do the unnecessary, extravagant thing. Endowed +by some strange power with extraordinary attributes, I am supposed +to make everybody love me, but I don't--I satisfy nobody; I +convince none! I have no idea what will happen to me next. I am +doomed to--I know not what." + +"And I," he groaned bitterly, "I, in some rare and lucid moments, +have had a glimpse of this too. We are in the hands of some +inscrutable but awful power. Tell me, Golly, tell me, darling, who +is it?" + +Again that gleam of Common or Ordinary Horse Sense came in her eye. + +"I have found out who," she whispered. "I have found out who has +created us, and made us as puppets in his hands." + +"Is it the Almighty?" he asked. + +"No; it is"--she said, with a burst of real laughter--"it is--The +'All Caine!" + +"What! our countryman the Manxman? The only great Novelist? The +beloved of Gladstone?" he gasped. + +"Yes--and he intends to kill YOU--and we're only to be married at +your deathbed!" + +John Gale arose with a look of stern determination. "I have +suffered much and idiotically--but I draw a line at this. I shall +kick!" + +Golly clapped her hands joyfully. "We will!" + +"And we'll chuck him." + +"We will." + +They were choking with laughter. + +"And go and get married in a natural, simple way like anybody else-- +and try--to do our duty--to God--to each other--and to our fellow- +beings--and quit this--damned--nonsense--and in-fer-nal idiocy +forever!" + +"Amen!" + + +PUBLISHER'S NOTE.--"In that supreme work of my life, 'The +Christian,'" said the gifted novelist to a reporter in speaking of +his methods, "I had endowed the characters of Golly and John Gale +with such superhuman vitality and absolute reality that--as is well +known in the experience of great writers--they became thinking +beings, and actually criticised my work, and even INTERFERED and +REBELLED to the point of altering my climax and the end!" The +present edition gives that ending, which of course is the only real +one. + + + +THE ADVENTURES OF JOHN LONGBOWE, YEOMAN + +BEING A MODERN-ANTIQUE REALISTIC ROMANCE + +(COMPILED FROM SEVERAL EMINENT SOURCES) + + +It seemeth but fair that I, John Longbowe, should set down this +account of such hap and adventure as hath befallen me, without +flourish, vaporing, or cozening of speech, but as becometh one who, +not being a ready writer, goeth straight to the matter in hand in +few words. So, though I offend some, I shall yet convince all, the +which lieth closer to my purpose. Thus, it was in the year 1560, +or 1650, or mayhap 1710--for my memory is not what it hath been and +I ever cared little for monkish calendars or such dry-as-dust +matter, being active as becometh one who hath to make his way in +the world--yet I wot well it was after the Great Plague, which I +have great cause to remember, lying at my cozen's in Wardour +Street, London, in that lamentable year, eating of gilly flowers, +sulphur, hartes tongue and many stynking herbes; touching neither +man nor mayd, save with a great tongs steept in pitch; wearing a +fine maske of silk with a mouth piece of aromatic stuff--by reason +of which acts of hardihood and courage I was miraculously +preserved. This much I shall say as to the time of these +happenings, and no more. I am a plain, blunt man--mayhap rude of +speech should occasion warrant---so let them who require the +exactness of a scrivener or a pedagogue go elsewhere for their +entertainment and be hanged to them! + +Howbeit, though no scholar, I am not one of those who misuse the +English speech, and, being foolishly led by the hasty custom of +scriveners and printers to write the letters "T" and "H" joined +together, which resembleth a "Y," do incontinently jump to the +conclusion the THE is pronounced "Ye,"--the like of which I never +heard in all England. And though this be little toward those great +enterprises and happenings I shall presently shew, I set it down +for the behoof of such malapert wights as must needs gird at a man +of spirit and action--and yet, in sooth, know not their own +letters. + +So to my tale. There was a great frost when my Lord bade me follow +him to the water gate near our lodgings in the Strand. When we +reached it we were amazed to see that the Thames was frozen over +and many citizens disporting themselves on the ice--the like of +which no man had seen before. There were fires built thereon, and +many ships and barges were stuck hard and fast, and my Lord thought +it vastly pretty that the people were walking under their bows and +cabbin windows and climbing of their sides like mermen, but I, +being a plain, blunt man, had no joy in such idlenesse, deeming it +better that in these times of pith and enterprise they should be +more seemly employed. My Lord, because of one or two misadventures +by reason of the slipperiness of the ice, was fain to go by London +Bridge, which we did; my Lord as suited his humor ruffling the +staid citizens as he passed or peering under the hoods of their +wives and daughters--as became a young gallant of the time. I, +being a plain, blunt man, assisted in no such folly, but contented +myself, when they complayned to me, with damning their souls for +greasy interfering varlets. For I shall now make no scruple in +declaring that my Lord was the most noble Earl of Southampton, +being withheld from so saying before through very plainness and +bluntness, desiring as a simple yeoman to make no boast of serving +a man of so high quality. + +We fared on over Bankside to the Globe playhouse, where my Lord +bade me dismount and deliver a secret message to the chief player-- +which message was, "had he diligently perused and examined that he +wot of, and what said he thereof?" Which I did. Thereupon he that +was called the chief player did incontinently proceed to load mine +arms and wallet with many and divers rolls of manuscripts in my +Lord's own hand, and bade me say unto him that there was a great +frost over London, but that if he were to perform those plays and +masques publickly, there would be a greater frost there--to wit, in +the Globe playhouse. This I did deliver with the Manuscripts to my +Lord, who changed countenance mightily at the sight of them, but +could make nought of the message. At which the lad who held the +horses before the playhouse--one Will Shakespeare--split with +laughter. Whereat my Lord cursed him for a deer-stealing, coney- +catching Warwickshire lout, and cuffed him soundly. I wot there +will be those who remember that this Will Shakespeare afterwards +became a player and did write plays--which were acceptable even to +the Queen's Majesty's self--and I set this down not from vanity to +shew I have held converse with such, nor to give a seemingness and +colour to my story, but to shew what ill-judged, misinformed knaves +were they who did afterwards attribute friendship between my Lord +and this Will Shakespeare, even to the saying that he made sonnets +to my Lord. Howbeit, my Lord was exceeding wroth, and I, to +beguile him, did propose that we should leave our horses and +cargoes of manuscript behind and cross on the ice afoot, which +conceit pleased him mightily. In sooth it chanced well with what +followed, for hardly were we on the river when we saw a great crowd +coming from Westminster, before a caravan of strange animals and +savages in masks, capering and capricolling, dragging after them +divers sledges quaintly fashioned like swannes, in which were +ladies attired as fairies and goddesses and such like heathen and +wanton trumpery, which I, as a plain, blunt man, would have fallen +to cursing, had not my Lord himself damned me under his breath to +hold my peace, for that he had recognized my Lord of Leicester's +colours and that he made no doubt they were of the Court. As +forsooth this did presently appear; also that one of the ladies was +her Gracious Majesty's self--masked to the general eye, the better +to enjoy these miscalled festivities. I say miscalled, for, though +a loyal subject of her Majesty, and one who hath borne arms at +Tilbury Fort in defence of her Majesty, it inflamed my choler, as a +plain and blunt man, that her Mightiness should so degrade her +dignity. Howbeit, as a man who hath his way to make in the world, +I kept mine eyes well upon the anticks of the Great, while my Lord +joined the group of maskers and their follies. I recognized her +Majesty's presence by her discourse in three languages to as many +Ambassadors that were present--though I marked well that she had +not forgotten her own tongue, calling one of her ladies "a sluttish +wench," nor her English spirit in cuffing my Lord of Essex's ears +for some indecorum--which, as a plain man myself, curt in speech +and action, did rejoice me greatly. But I must relate one feat, +the like of which I never saw in England before or since. There +was a dance of the maskers, and in the midst of it her Majesty +asked the Ambassador from Spayne if he had seen the latest French +dance. He replied that he had not. Whereupon Her Most Excellent +Majesty skipt back a pace and forward a pace, and lifting her hoop, +delivered a kick at his Excellency's hat which sent it flying the +space of a good English ell above his head! Howbeit so great was +the acclamation that her Majesty was graciously moved to repeat it +to my Lord of Leicester, but, tripping back, her high heels caught +in her farthingale, and she would have fallen on the ice, but for +that my Lord, with exceeding swiftness and dexterity, whisked his +cloak from his shoulder, spreading it under her, and so received +her body in its folds on the ice, without himself touching her +Majesty's person. Her Majesty was greatly pleased at this, and +bade my Lord buy another cloak at her cost, though it swallowed an +estate; but my Lord replyed, after the lying fashion of the time, +that it was honour enough for him to be permitted to keep it after +"it had received her Royal person." I know that this hap hath been +partly related of another person--the shipman Raleigh--but I tell +such as deny me that they lie in their teeth, for I, John Longbowe, +have cause--miserable cause enough, I warrant--to remember it, and +my Lord can bear me out! For, spite of his fair speeches, when he +was quit of the Royal presence, he threw me his wet and bedraggled +cloak and bade me change it with him for mine own, which was dry +and warm. And it was this simple act which wrought the lamentable +and cruel deed of which I was the victim, for, as I followed my +Lord, thus apparelled, across the ice, I was suddenly set upon and +seized, a choke-pear clapt into my mouth so that I could not cry +aloud, mine eyes bandaged, mine elbows pinioned at my side in that +fatall cloak like to a trussed fowl, and so I was carried to where +the ice was broken, and thrust into a boat. Thence I was conveyed +in the same rude sort to a ship, dragged up her smooth, wet side, +and clapt under hatches. Here I lay helpless as in a swoon. When +I came to, it was with a great trampling on the decks above and the +washing of waves below, and I made that the ship was moving--but +where I knew not. After a little space the hatch was lifted from +where I lay, the choke-pear taken from my mouth; but not the +bandage from mine eyes, so I could see nought around me. But I +heard a strange voice say: "What coil is this? This is my Lord's +cloak in sooth, but not my Lord that lieth in it! Who is this +fellow?" At which I did naturally discover the great misprise of +those varlets who had taken me for my dear Lord, whom I now damned +in my heart for changing of the cloaks! Howbeit, when I had +fetched my breath with difficulty, being well nigh spent by reason +of the gag, I replyed that I was John Longbowe, my Lord's true +yeoman, as good a man as any, as they should presently discover +when they set me ashore. That I knew-- "Softly, friend," said the +Voice, "thou knowest too much for the good of England and too +little for thine own needs. Thou shalt be sent where thou mayest +forget the one and improve thy knowledge of the other." Then as if +turning to those about him, for I could not see by reason of the +blindfold, he next said: "Take him on your voyage, and see that he +escape not till ye are quit of England." And with that they clapt +to the hatch again, and I heard him cast off from the ship's side. +There was I, John Longbowe, an English yeoman,--I, who but that day +had held converse with Will Shakespeare and been cognizant of the +revels of Her Most Christian Majesty even to the spying of her +garter!--I was kidnapped at the age of forty-five or thereabout-- +for I will not be certain of the year--and forced to sea for that +my Lord of Southampton had provoked the jealousie and envy of +divers other great nobles. + + +CHAPTERS I TO XX + + +I AM FORCED TO SEA AND TO BECOME A PIRATE! I SUFFER LAMENTABLY +FROM SICKNESS BY REASON OF THE BIGNESSE OF THE WAVES. I COMMIT +MANY CRUELTIES AND BLOODSHED. BUT BY THE DIVINE INTERCESSION I +EVENTUALLY THROW THE WICKED CAPTAIN OVERBOARD AND AM ELECTED IN HIS +STEAD. I DISCOVER AN ISLAND OF TREASURE, OBTAIN POSSESSION THEREOF +BY A TRICKE, AND PUT THE NATIVES TO THE SWORD. + + +I marvel much at those who deem it necessary in the setting down of +their adventures to gloze over the whiles between with much matter +of the country, the peoples, and even their own foolish reflections +thereon, hoping in this way to cozen the reader with a belief in +their own truthfulness, and encrease the extravagance of their +deeds. I, being a plain, blunt man, shall simply say for myself +that for many days after being taken from the bilboes and made free +of the deck, I was grievously distempered by reason of the waves, +and so collapsed in the bowels that I could neither eat, stand, nor +lie. Being thus in great fear of death, from which I was +miraculously preserved, I, out of sheer gratitude to my Maker, did +incontinently make oath and sign articles to be one of the crew-- +which were buccaneers. I did this the more readily as we were to +attack the ships of Spayne only, and through there being no state +of Warre at that time between England and that country, it was +wisely conceived that this conduct would provoke it, and we should +thus be forearmed, as became a juste man in his quarrel. For this +we had the precious example of many great Captains. We did +therefore heave to and burn many ships--the quality of those +engagements I do not set forth, not having a seaman's use of ship +speech, and despising, as a plain, blunt man, those who misuse it, +having it not. + +But this I do know, that, having some conceit of a shipman's ways +and of pirates, I did conceive at this time a pretty song for my +comradoes, whereof the words ran thus:-- + + + Yo ho! when the Dog Watch bayeth loud + In the light of a mid-sea moon! + And the Dead Eyes glare in the stiffening Shroud, + For that is the Pirate's noon! + When the Night Mayres sit on the Dead Man's Chest + Where no manne's breath may come-- + Then hey for a bottle of Rum! Rum! Rum! + And a passage to Kingdom come! + + +I take no credit to myself for the same, except so far as it may +shew a touch of my Lord of Southampton's manner--we being intimate-- +but this I know, that it was much acclaimed by the crew. Indeed +they, observing that the Captain was of a cruel nature, would fain +kill him and put me in his stead, but I, objecting to the shedding +of precious blood in such behoof, did prevent such a lamentable and +inhuman action by stealthily throwing him by night from his cabbin +window into the sea--where, owing to the inconceivable distance of +the ship from shore, he was presently drowned. Which untoward fate +had a great effect upon my fortunes, since, burthening myself with +his goods and effects, I found in his chest a printed proclamation +from an aged and infirm clergyman in the West of England +covenanting that, for the sum of two crowns, he would send to whoso +offered, the chart of an island of great treasure in the Spanish +Main, whereof he had had confession from the lips of a dying +parishioner, and the amount gained thereby he would use for the +restoration of his parish church. Now I, reading this, was struck +by a great remorse and admiration for our late Captain, for that it +would seem that he was, like myself, a staunch upholder of the +Protestant Faith and the Church thereof, as did appear by his +possession of the chart, for which he had no doubt paid the two +good crowns. As an act of penance I resolved upon finding the same +island by the aid of the chart, and to that purpose sailed East +many days, and South, and North, and West as many other days--the +manner whereof and the latitude and longitude of which I shall not +burden the reader with, holding it, as a plain, blunt man, mere +padding and impertinence to fill out my narrative, which helpeth +not the general reader. So, I say, when we sighted the Island, +which seemed to be swarming with savages, I ordered the masts to be +stripped, save but for a single sail which hung sadly and +distractedly, and otherwise put the ship into the likeness of a +forlorn wreck, clapping the men, save one or two, under hatches. +This I did to prevent the shedding of precious blood, knowing full +well that the ignorant savages, believing the ship in sore +distress, would swim off to her with provisions and fruit, bearing +no arms. Which they did, while we, as fast as they clomb the +sides, despatched them at leisure, without unseemly outcry or +alarms. Having thus disposed of the most adventurous, we landed +and took possession of the island, finding thereon many kegs of +carbuncles and rubies and pieces of eight--the treasure store of +those lawless pirates who infest the seas, having no colour of war +or teaching of civilisation to atone for their horrid deeds. + +I discovered also, by an omission in the chart, that this was not +the Island wot of by the good and aged Devonshire divine--and so we +eased our consciences of accounting for the treasure to him. We +then sailed away, arriving after many years' absence at the Port of +Bristol in Merrie England, where I took leave of the "Jolly Roger," +that being the name of my ship; it was a strange conceit of seamen +in after years ever to call the device of my FLAG--to wit, a skull +and bones made in the sign of a Cross--by the NAME my ship bore, +and if I have only corrected the misuse of history by lying knaves, +I shall be content with this writing. But alas! such are the +uncertainties of time; I found my good Lord of Southampton dead and +most of his friends beheaded, and the blessed King James of +Scotland--if I mistake not, for these also be the uncertainties of +time--on the throne. In due time I married Mistress Marian +Straitways. I might have told more of trifling, and how she fared, +poor wench! in mine absence, even to the following of me in another +ship, in a shipboy's disguise, and how I rescued her from a +scheming Pagan villain; but, as a plain, blunt man, I am no hand at +the weaving of puling love tales and such trifling diversions for +lovesick mayds and their puny gallants--having only consideration +for men and their deeds, which I have here set down bluntly and +even at mine advanced years am ready to maintain with the hand that +set it down. + + + +DAN'L BOREM + +BY E. N--S W--T--T + + +I + + +Dan'l Borem poured half of his second cup of tea abstractedly into +his lap. + +"Guess you've got suthin' on yer mind, Dan'l," said his sister. + +"Mor'n likely I've got suthin' on my pants," returned Dan'l with +that exquisitely dry, though somewhat protracted humor which at +once thrilled and bored his acquaintances. "But--speakin' o' that +hoss trade"-- + +"For goodness' sake, don't!" interrupted his sister wearily; "yer +allus doin' it. Jest tell me about that young man--the new clerk +ye think o' gettin'." + +"Well, I telegraphed him to come over, arter I got this letter from +him," he returned, handing her a letter. "Read it out loud." + +But his sister, having an experienced horror of prolixity, glanced +over it. "Far as I kin see he takes mor'n two hundred words to say +you've got to take him on trust, and sez it suthin' in a style +betwixt a business circular and them Polite Letter Writers. I +thought you allowed he was a tony feller." + +"Ef he does not brag much, ye see, I kin offer him small wages," +said Dan'l, with a wink. "It's kinder takin' him at his own +figger." + +"And THAT mightn't pay! But ye don't think o' bringin' him HERE in +this house? 'Cept you're thinkin' o' tellin' him that yarn o' +yours about the hoss trade to beguile the winter evenings. I told +ye ye'd hev to pay yet to get folks to listen to it." + +"Wrong agin--ez you'll see! Wot ef I get a hundred thousand folks +to pay me for tellin' it? But, speakin' o' this young feller, I +calkilated to send him to the Turkey Buzzard Hotel;" and he looked +at his sister with a shrewd yet humorous smile. + +"What!" said his sister in alarm. "The Turkey Buzzard! Why, he'll +be starved or pizoned! He won't stay there a week." + +"Ef he's pizoned to death he won't be able to demand any wages; ef +he leaves because he can't stand it--it's proof positive he +couldn't stand me. Ef he's only starved and made weak and +miserable he'll be easy to make terms with. It may seem hard what +I'm sayin', but what seems hard on the other feller always comes +mighty easy to you. The thing is NOT to be the 'other feller.' Ye +ain't listenin'. Yet these remarks is shrewd and humorous, and hez +bin thought so by literary fellers." + +"H'm!" said his sister. "What's that ye was jest sayin' about folks +bein' willin' to pay ye for tellin' that hoss trade yarn o' yours?" + +"Thet's only what one o' them smart New York publishers allowed it +was worth arter hearin' me tell it," said Dan'l dryly. + +"Go way! You or him must be crazy. Why, it ain't ez good as that +story 'bout a man who had a balky hoss that could be made to go +only by buildin' a fire under him, and arter the man sells that +hoss and the secret, and the man wot bought him tries it on, the +blamed hoss lies down over the fire, and puts it out." + +"I've allus allowed that the story ye hev to tell yourself is a +blamed sight funnier than the one ye're listenin' to," said Dan'l. +"Put that down among my sayin's, will ye?" + +"But your story was never anythin' more than one o' them snippy +things ye see in the papers, drored out to no end by you. It's +only one o' them funny paragraphs ye kin read in a minit in the +papers that takes YOU an hour to tell." + +To her surprise Dan'l only looked at his sister with complacency. + +"That," he said, "is jest what the New York publisher sez. 'The +'Merrikan people,' sez he, 'is ashamed o' bein' short and peart and +funny; it lacks dignity,' sez he; 'it looks funny,' sez he, 'but it +ain't deep-seated nash'nul literature,' sez he. 'Them snips o' +funny stories and short dialogues in the comic papers--they make ye +laff,' sez he, 'but laffin' isn't no sign o' deep morril purpose,' +sez he, 'and it ain't genteel and refined. Abraham Linkin with his +pat anecdotes ruined our standin' with dignified nashuns,' sez he. +'We cultivated publishers is sick o' hearin' furrin' nashuns +roarin' over funny 'Merrikan stories; we're goin' to show 'em that, +even ef we haven't classes and titles and sich, we kin be dull. +We're workin' the historical racket for all that it's worth,--ef we +can't go back mor'n a hundred years or so, we kin rake in a Lord +and a Lady when we do, and we're gettin' in some ole-fashioned +spellin' and "methinkses" and "peradventures." We're doin' the +religious bizness ez slick ez Robert Elsmere, and we find lots o' +soul in folks--and heaps o quaint morril characters,' sez he." + +"Sakes alive, Dan'l!" broke in his sister; "what's all that got to +do with your yarn 'bout the hoss trade?" + +"Everythin'," returned Dan'l. "'For,' sez he, 'Mr. Borem,' sez he, +'you're a quaint morril character. You've got protracted humor,' +sez he. 'You've bin an hour tellin' that yarn o' yours! Ef ye +could spin it out to fill two chapters of a book--yer fortune's +made! For you'll show that a successful hoss trade involves the +highest nash'nul characteristics. That what common folk calls +"selfishness," "revenge," "mean lyin'," and "low-down money- +grubbin' ambishun" is really "quaintness," and will go in double +harness with the bizness of a Christian banker,' sez he." + +"Created goodness, Dan'l! You're designin' ter"-- + +Dan'l Borem rose, coughed, expectorated carefully at the usual spot +in the fender, his general custom of indicating the conclusion of a +subject or an interview, and said dryly: "I'm thar!" + + +II + + +To return to the writer of the letter, whose career was momentarily +cut off by the episode of the horse trade (who, if he had +previously received a letter written by somebody else would have +been an entirely different person and not in this novel at all): +John Lummox--known to his family as "the perfect Lummox"--had been +two years in college, but thought it rather fine of himself--a +habit of thought in which he frequently indulged--to become a +clerk, but finally got tired of it, and to his father's relief went +to Europe for a couple of years, returning with some knowledge of +French and German, and the cutting end of a German student's +blunted dueling sword. Having, as he felt, thus equipped himself +for the hero of an American "Good Society" novel, he went on board +a "liner," where there would naturally be susceptible young ladies. +One he thought he recognized as a girl with whom he used to play +"forfeits" in the vulgar past of his boyhood. She sat at his +table, accompanied by another lady whose husband seemed to be a +confirmed dyspeptic. His remarks struck Lummox as peculiar. + +"Shall I begin dinner with pudding and cheese or take the ordinary +soup first? I quite forget which I did last night," he said +anxiously to his wife. + +But Mrs. Starling hesitated. + +"Tell me, Mary," he said, appealing to Miss Bike, the young lady. + +"I should begin with the pudding," said Miss Bike decisively, "and +between that and the arrival of the cheese you can make up your +mind, and then, if you think better, go back to the soup." + +"Thank you so much. Now, as to drink? Shall I take the +Friedrichshalle first or the Benedictine? You know the doctor +insists upon the Friedrichshalle, but I don't think I did well to +mix them as I did yesterday. Or shall I take simply milk and +beer?" + +"I should say simplicity was best. Besides, you can always fill up +with champagne later." + +How splendidly this clear-headed, clear-eyed girl dominated the +man! Lummox felt that REALLY he might renew her acquaintance! He +did so. + +"I remembered you," she said. "You've not changed a bit since you +were eight years old." + +John, wishing to change the subject, said that he thought Mr. +Starling seemed an uncertain man. + +"Very! He's even now in his stateroom sitting in his pyjamas with +a rubber shoe on one foot and a pump on the other, wondering +whether he ought to put on golf knickerbockers with a dressing-gown +and straw hat before he comes on deck. He has already put on and +taken off about twenty suits." + +"He certainly is very trying," returned Lummox. He paused and +colored deeply. "I beg," he stammered, "I hope--you don't think me +guilty of a pun! When I said 'trying' I referred entirely to the +effect on your sensitiveness of these tentative attempts toward +clothing himself." + +"I should never accuse YOU of levity, Mr. Lummox," said the young +lady, gazing thoughtfully upon his calm but somewhat heavy +features,--"never." + +Yet he would have liked to reclaim himself by a show of lightness. +He was leaning on the rail looking at the sea. The scene was +beautiful. + +"I suppose," he said, rolling with the sea and his early studies of +Doctor Johnson, "that one would in the more superior manner show +his appreciation of all this by refraining from the obvious comment +which must needs be recognized as comparatively commonplace and +vulgar; but really this is so superb that I must express some of my +emotion, even at the risk of lowering your opinion of my good +taste, provided, of course, that you have any opinion on the one +hand or any good taste on the other." + +"Without that undue depreciation of one's self which must ever be a +sign of self-conscious demerit," said the young girl lightly, "I +may say that I am not generally good at Johnsonese; but it may +relieve your mind to know that had you kept silence one instant +longer, I should have taken the risk of lowering your opinion of my +taste, provided, of course, that you have one to lower and are +capable of that exertion--if such indeed it may be termed--by +remarking that this is perfectly magnificent." + +"Do you think," he said gloomily, still leaning on the rail, "that +we can keep this kind of thing up--perhaps I should say down--much +longer? For myself, I am feeling far from well; it may have been +the lobster--or that last sentence--but"-- + +They were both silent. "Yet," she said, after a pause, "you can at +least take Mr. Starling and his dyspepsia off my hands. You might +be equal to that exertion." + +"I suppose that by this time I ought to be doing something for +somebody," he said thoughtfully. "Yes, I will." + +That evening after dinner he took Mr. Starling into the smoking- +room and card-room. They had something hot. At 4 A. M., with the +assistance of the steward, he projected Mr. Starling into Mrs. +Starling's stateroom, delicately withdrawing to evade the lady's +thanks. At breakfast he saw Miss Bike. "Thank you so much," she +said; "Mrs. Starling found Starling greatly improved. He himself +admitted he was 'never berrer' and, far from worrying about what +night-clothes he should wear, went to bed AS HE WAS--even to his +hat. Mrs. Starling calls you 'her preserver,' and Mr. Starling +distinctly stated that you were a 'jolly-good-fler.'" + +"And you?" asked John Lummox. + +"In your present condition of abnormal self-consciousness and +apperceptive egotism, I really shouldn't like to say." + +When the voyage was ended Mr. Lummox went to see Mary Bike at her +house, and his father--whom he had not seen for ten years--at HIS +house. With a refined absence of natural affection he contented +himself with inquiring of the servants as to his father's habits, +and if he still wore dress clothes at dinner. The information thus +elicited forced him to the conclusion that the old gentleman's +circumstances were reduced, and that it was possible that he, John +Lummox, might be actually compelled to earn his own living. He +communicated that suspicion to his father at dinner, and over the +last bottle of "Mouton," a circumstance which also had determined +him in his resolution. "You might," said his father thoughtfully, +"offer yourself to some rising American novelist as a study for the +new hero,--one absolutely without ambition, capacity, or energy; +willing, however, to be whatever the novelist chooses to make him, +so long as he hasn't to choose for himself. If your inordinate +self-consciousness is still in your way, I could give him a few +points about you, myself." + +"I had thought," said John, hesitatingly, "of going into your +office and becoming your partner in the business. You could always +look after me, you know." + +A shudder passed over the old man. Then he tremblingly muttered to +himself: + +"Thank heaven! There is one way it may still be averted!" +Retiring to his room he calmly committed suicide, thoughtfully +leaving the empty poison bottle in the fender. + +And this is how John Lummox came to offer himself as a clerk to +Dan'l Borem. The ways of Providence are indeed strange, yet those +of the novelist are only occasionally novel. + + +III + + +John K. Lummox lived for a week at the Turkey Buzzard Hotel +exclusively on doughnuts and innuendoes. He was informed by Mr. +Borem's clerk--whose place he was to fill--that he wouldn't be able +to stand it, and thus received the character of his employer from +his last employee. + +"I suppose," said Dan'l Borem, chuckling, "that he said I was a old +skinflint, good only at a hoss trade, uneddicated, ignorant, and +unable to keep accounts, and an oppressor o' the widder and orphan. +Allowed that my cute sayin's was a kind o' ten-cent parody o' them +proverbs in Poor Richard's Almanack!" + +"Omitting a few expletives, he certainly did," returned Lummox with +great delicacy. + +"He allowed to me," said Dan'l thoughtfully, "that YOU was a poor +critter that hadn't a single reason to show for livin': that the +fool-killer had bin shadderin' you from your birth, and that you +hadn't paid a cent profit on your father's original investment in +ye, nor on the assessments he'd paid on ye ever since. He seems to +be a cute feller arter all, and I'm rather sorry he's leavin'." + +"I am quite willing to abandon my position in his favor, now," said +Lummox with alacrity. + +"No," said Dan'l, rubbing his chin argumentatively; "the only way +for us to do is to circumvent him like in a hoss trade--with +suthin' unexpected. When he thinks you're goin' to sleep in the +shafts you'll run away; and when he think's I'm vicious I'll let a +woman or a child drive me." + + +IV + + +"Well, Dan'l, how's that new clerk o' yours gettin' on?" said Mrs. +Bigby a week later. + +"Purty fine! He's good at accounts and hez got to know the Bank's +customers by this time. But I allus reckoned he'd get stuck with +some o' them counterfeit notes--and he hez! Ye see he ain't +accustomed to look at a five or a ten dollar note as sharp as some +men, and he's already taken in two tens and a five counterfeits." + +"Gracious!" said Mrs. Bigsby. "What did the poor feller do?" + +"Oh, he ups and tells me, all right, after he discovered it. And +sez he: 'I've charged my account with 'em,' sez he, 'so the Bank +won't lose it.'" + +"Why, Dan'l," said Mrs. Bigsby, "ye didn't let that poor feller"-- + +"You hol' on!" said her brother; "business is business; but I sez +to him: 'Ye oughter put it down to Profit and Loss account. Or +perhaps we'll have a chance o' gettin' rid o' them,--not in Noo +York, where folks is sharp, but here in the country, and then ye +kin credit yourself with the amount arter you've got rid o' them.'" + +"Laws! I'm sorry ye did that, Dan'l," said Mrs. Bigsby. + +"With that he riz up," continued Dan'l, ignoring his sister, "and, +takin' them counterfeit notes from my hand, sez he: 'Them notes +belong to ME now,' sez he, 'and I'm goin' to destroy 'em.' And +with that he walks over to the fire as stiff as a poker, and held +them notes in it until they were burnt clean up." + +"Well, but that was honest and straightforward in him!" said Mrs. +Bigsby. + +"Um! but it wasn't business--and ye see"-- Dan'l paused and rubbed +his chin. + +"Well, go on!" said Mrs. Bigsby impatiently. + +"Well, ye see, neither him nor me was very smart in detectin' +counterfeits, or even knowin' 'em, and"-- + +"Well! For goodness' sake, Dan'l, speak out!" + +"Well--THE DUM FOOL BURNT UP THREE GOOD BILLS, and we neither of us +knew it!" + + +V + + +The "unexpected" which Dan'l Borem had hinted might characterize +his future conduct was first intimated by his treatment of the +"Widow Cully," an aged and impoverished woman whose property was +heavily mortaged to him. He had curtly summoned her to come to his +office on Christmas Day and settle up. Frightened, hopeless, and +in the face of a snowstorm, the old woman attended, but was +surprised by receiving a "satisfaction piece" in full from the +banker, and a gorgeous Christmas dinner. "All the same," said Mrs. +Bigsby to Lummox, "Dan'l might hev done all this without +frightenin' the poor old critter into a nervous fever, chillin' her +through by makin' her walk two miles through the snow, and keepin' +her on the ragged edge o' despair for two mortal hours! But it's +his humorous way." + +"Did he give any reason for being so lenient to the widow?" asked +Lummox. + +"He said that her son had given him a core of his apple when they +were boys together. Dan'l ez mighty thoughtful o' folks that was +kind to him in them days." + +"Is that all?" said Lummox, astonished. + +"Well--I've kinder thought suthin' else," said Mrs. Bigsby +hesitatingly. + +"What?" + +"That its bein' Christmas Day--and as I've heard tell that's NO DAY +IN LAW, but just like Sunday--Dan'l mebbe thought that he might +crawl outer that satisfaction piece, ef he ever wanted ter! Dan'l +is mighty cute." + + +VI + + +Mr. John Lummox was not behind his employer in developing +unexpected traits of character. Hitherto holding aloof from his +neighbors in Old Folksville, he suddenly went to a social +gathering, and distinguished himself as the principal and popular +guest of the evening. As Dan'l Borem afterward told his sister: +"He was one o' them Combination Minstrels and Variety Shows in one. +He sang through a whole opery, made the pianner jest howl, gave +some recitations, Casabianker and Betsy and I are Out; imitated all +them tragedians; did tricks with cards and fetched rabbits outer +hats, besides liftin' the pianner with two men sittin' on it, jest +by his teeth. Created snakes!" said Borem, concluding his account, +which here is necessarily abbreviated, "ef he learnt all that in +his two years in Europe I ain't sayin' anythin' more agin' +eddication and furrin' travel after this! Why, the next day there +was quite a run on the Bank jest to see HIM. He is makin' the +bizness pop'lar." + +"Then ye think ye'll get along together?" + +"I reckon we'll hitch hosses," said Dan'l, with a smile. + +A few weeks later, one evening, Dan'l Borem sat with his sister +alone. John Lummox, who was now residing with them, was attending +a social engagement. Mrs. Bigsby knew that Dan'l had something to +communicate, but knew that he would do so in his own way. + +"Speakin' o' hoss trades," he began. + +"We WASN'T and we ain't goin' to," said Mrs. Bigsby with great +promptness. "I've heard enough of 'em." + +"But this here one hez suthin' to do with your fr'en', John +Lummox," said Dan'l, with a chuckle. + +Mrs. Bigsby stared. "Go on, then," she said, but, for goodness' +sake, cut it short." + +Dan'l threw away his quid and replenished it from his silver +tobacco box. Mrs. Bigsby shuddered slightly as she recognized the +usual preliminary to prolixity, but determined, as far as possible, +to make her brother brief. + +"It mout be two weeks ago," began Dan'l, "that I see John Lummox +over at Palmyra, where he'd bin visitin'. He was drivin' a hoss, +the beautifulest critter--for color--I ever saw. It was yaller, +with mane and tail a kinder golden, like the hair o' them British +Blondes that was here in the Variety Show." + +"Dan'l!" exclaimed Mrs. Bigsby, horrified. "And you allowed you +never went thar!" + +"Saw 'em on the posters--and mebbe the color was a little brighter +thar," said Dan'l carelessly--"but who's interruptin' now?" + +"Go on," said Mrs. Bigsby. + +"'Got a fine hoss thar,' sez I; 'reckon I never see such a purty +color,' sez I. 'He is purty,' sez he, 'per'aps too purty for ME to +be a-drivin', but he isn't fast.' 'I ain't speakin' o' that,' sez +I; 'it's his looks that I'm talkin' of; whar might ye hev got him?' +'He was offered to me by a fr'en' o' me boyhood,' sez he; 'he's a +pinto mustang,' sez he, 'from Californy, whar they breed 'em.' +'What's a pinto hoss?' sez I. 'The same ez a calico hoss,' sez he; +'what they have in cirkises, but ye never see 'em that color.' En +he was right, for when I looked him over I never DID see such a +soft and silky coat, and his mane and tail jest glistened. 'It IS +a little too showy for ye,' sez I, 'but I might take him at a fair +price. What's your fr'en' askin'?' 'He won't sell him to anybody +but me,' sez Lummox; 'he's a horror o' hoss traders, anyway, and +his price is more like a gift to a fr'en'.' 'What might that price +be, ef it's a fair question?' sez I, for the more I looked at the +hoss the more I liked him. 'A hundred and fifty dollars,' sez he; +'but my fr'en' would ask YOU double that.' 'Couldn't YOU and ME +make a trade?' sez I; 'I'll exchange ye that roan mare, that's +worth two hundred, for this hoss and fifty dollars.' With that he +drew himself up, and sez he: 'Mr. Borem,' sez he, 'I share my +fr'en's opinion about hoss tradin', and I promised my mother I'd +never swap hosses. You ought to know me by this time.'" + +"That's so!" said Mrs. Bigsby; "I'm wonderin' ye dared to ax him." + +Dan'l passed his hand over his mouth, and continued: "'I dunno but +you're right, Lummox,' sez I; 'per'aps it's jest as well as thar +wasn't TWO in the Bank in that bizness.' But the more I looked at +the hoss the more I hankered arter him. 'Look here,' sez I, 'I +tell ye what I'll do! I'll LEND you my hoss and you'll LEND me +yourn. I'll draw up a paper to that effect, and provide that in +case o' accidents, ef I don't return you your hoss, I'll agree to +pay you a hundred and fifty dollars. You'll give me the same kind +o' paper about my hoss--with the proviso that you pay me two +hundred for him!' 'Excuse me, Mr. Borem,' sez he, 'but that +difference of fifty makes a hoss trade accordin' to my mind. It's +agin' my principles to make such an agreement.'" + +"An' he was right, Dan'l," said Mrs. Bigsby approvingly. + +But Dan'l wiped his mouth again, leaving, however, a singular smile +on it. "Well, ez I wanted that hoss, I jest thought and thought! +I knew I could get two hundred and fifty for him easy, and that +Lummox didn't know anythin' of his valoo, and I finally agreed to +make the swap even. 'What do you call him?' sez I. 'Pegasus,' sez +he,--'the poet's hoss, on account o' his golden mane,' sez he. +That made me laff, for I never knew a poet ez could afford to hev a +hoss,--much less one like that! But I said: 'I'll borry Pegasus o' +you on those terms.' The next day I took the hoss to Jonesville; +Lummox was right: he wasn't FAST, but, jest as I expected, he made +a sensation! Folks crowded round him whenever I stopped; wimmin +followed him and children cried for him. I could hev sold him for +three hundred without leavin' town! 'So ye call him Pegasus,' sez +Doc Smith, grinnin'; 'I didn't known ye was subject to the divine +afflatus, Dan'l.' 'I don' offen hev it,' sez I, 'but when I do I +find a little straight gin does me good.' 'So did Byron,' sez he, +chucklin'. But even if I had called him 'Beelzebub' the hull town +would hev bin jest as crazy over him. Well, as it was comin' on to +rain I started jest after sundown for home. But it came ter blow, +an' ter pour cats and dogs, an' I was nigh washed out o' the buggy, +besides losin' my way and gettin' inter ditches and puddles, and I +hed to stop at Staples' Half-Way House and put up for the night. +In the mornin' I riz up early and goes into the stable yard, and +the first thing I sees was the 'ostler. 'I hope ye giv' my hoss a +good scrub down,' I sez, 'as I told ye, for his color is that +delicate the smallest spot shows. It's a very rare color for a +hoss.' 'I was hopin' it might be,' sez he. I was a little huffed +at that, and I sez: 'It's considered a very beautiful color.' +'Mebbe it is,' sez he, 'but I never cared much for fireworks.' +'What yer mean?' sez I. 'Look here, Squire!' sez he; 'I don't mind +scourin' and rubbin' down a hoss that will stay the same color +TWICE, but when he gets to playin' a kaladeoskope on me, I kick!' +'Trot him out,' sez I, beginnin' to feel queer. With that he +fetched out the hoss! For a minit I hed to ketch on to the fence +to keep myself from fallin'. I swonny! ef he didn't look like a +case of measles on top o' yaller fever--'cept where the harness had +touched him, and that was kinder stenciled out all over him. Thar +was places whar the 'ostler had washed down to the foundation +color, a kind o' chewed licorice! Then I knew that somebody had +bin sold terrible, and I reckoned it might be me! But I said +nothin' to the 'ostler, and waited until dark, when I drove him +over here, and put him in the stables, lettin' no one see him. In +the mornin' Lummox comes to me, and sez he: 'I'm glad to see you +back,' sez he, 'for my conscience is troublin' me about that hoss +agreement; it looks too much like a hoss trade,' sez he, 'and I'm +goin' to send the hoss back.' 'Mebbe your conscience,' sez I, 'may +trouble you a little more ef you'll step this way;' and with that I +takes his arm and leads him round to the stable and brings out the +hoss. + +"Well, Lummox never changes ez much as a hair, ez he puts up his +eyeglasses. 'I'm not good at what's called "Pop'lar Art,"' sez he. +'Is it a chromo, or your own work?' sez he, critical like. + +"'It's YOUR HOSS,' sez I. + +"He looks at me a minit and then drors a paper from his pocket. +'This paper,' sez he in his quiet way, 'was drored up by you and is +a covenant to return to me a yaller hoss with golden mane and tail-- +or a hundred and fifty dollars. Ez I don't see the hoss anywhere-- +mebbe you've got the hundred and fifty dollars handy?' sez he. +'Suppose I hadn't the money?' sez I. 'I should be obliged,' sez he +in a kind o' pained Christian-martyr way, 'ter sell YOUR hoss for +two hundred, and send the money to my fr'en'.' We looked at each +other steddy for a minit and then I counts him out a hundred and +fifty. He took the money sad-like and then sez: 'Mr. Borem,' sez +he, 'this is a great morril lesson to us,' and went back to the +office. In the arternoon I called in an old hoss dealer that I +knew and shows him Pegasus. + +"'He wants renewin',' sez he. + +"'Wot's that?' sez I. + +"'A few more bottles o' that British Blonde Hair Dye to set him up +ag'in. That's wot they allus do in the cirkis, whar he kem from.' + +"Then I went back to the office and I took down my sign. 'What's +that you re doin'?' sez Lummox, with a sickly kind o' smile. 'Are +you goin' out o' the bizness?' + +"'No, I'm only goin' to change that sign from "Dan'l Borem" to +"Borem and Lummox,"' sez I. 'I've concluded it's cheaper for me to +take you inter partnership now than to continue in this way, which +would only end in your hevin' to take me in later. I preferred to +DO IT FUST.'" + + +VII + + +A rich man, and settled in business, John Lummox concluded that he +would marry Mary Bike. With that far-sighted logic which had +always characterized him he reasoned that, having first met her on +a liner, he would find her again on one if he took passage to +Europe. He did--but she was down on the passenger list as Mrs. +Edwin Wraggles. The result of their interview was given to Mrs. +Bigsby by Dan'l Borem in his own dialect. + +"Ez far as I kin see, it was like the Deacon's Sunday hoss trade, +bein' all 'Ef it wassent.' 'Ef ye wasn't Mrs. Wraggles,' sez +Lummox, sez he, 'I'd be tellin' ye how I've loved ye ever sence I +first seed ye. Ef ye wasn't Mrs. Wraggles, I'd be squeezin' yer +hand,' sez he; 'ef ye wasn't Mrs. Wraggles, I'd be askin' ye to +marry me.' Then the gal ups and sez, sez she: 'But I AIN'T Mrs. +Wraggles,' sez she; 'Mrs. Wraggles is my sister, and couldn't come, +so I'm travelin' on her ticket, and that's how my name is Wraggles +on the passenger list.' 'But why didn't ye tell me so at once?' +sez Lummox. 'This is an episoode o' protracted humor,' sez she, +'and I'M bound to have a show in it somehow!'" + +"Well!" said Mrs. Bigsby breathlessly; "then he DID marry her?" + +"Darned ef I know. He never said so straight out--but that's like +Lummox." + + + +STORIES THREE + +BY R--DY--D K--PL--G + + +I + +FOR SIMLA REASONS + + +Some people say that improbable things don't necessarily happen in +India--but these people never find improbabilities anywhere. This +sounds clever, but you will at once perceive that it really means +the opposite of what I intended to say. So we'll drop it. What I +am trying to tell you is that after Sparkley had that affair with +Miss Millikens a singular change came over him. He grew abstracted +and solitary,--holding dark seances with himself,--which was odd, +as everybody knew he never cared a rap for the Millikens girl. It +was even said that he was off his head--which is rhyme. But his +reason was undoubtedly affected, for he had been heard to mutter +incoherently at the Club, and, strangest of all, to answer +questions THAT WERE NEVER ASKED! This was so awkward in that +Branch of the Civil Department of which he was a high official-- +where the rule was exactly the reverse--that he was presently +invalided on full pay! Then he disappeared. Clever people said it +was because the Department was afraid he had still much to answer +for; stupid people simply envied him. + +Mrs. Awksby, whom everybody knew had been the cause of breaking off +the match, was now wild to know the reason of Sparkley's +retirement. She attacked heaven and earth, and even went a step +higher--to the Viceroy. At the vice-regal ball I saw, behind the +curtains of a window, her rolling violet-blue eyes with a singular +glitter in them. It was the reflection of the Viceroy's star, +although the rest of his Excellency was hidden in the curtain. I +heard him saying, "Come now! really, now, you are--you know you +are!" in reply to her cooing questioning. Then she made a dash at +me and captured me. + +"What did you hear?" + +"Nothing I should not have heard." + +"Don't be like all the other men--you silly boy!" she answered. "I +was only trying to find out something about Sparkley. And I will +find it out too," she said, clinching her thin little hand. "And +what's more," she added, turning on me suddenly, "YOU shall help +me!" + +"I?" I said in surprise. + +"Don't pretend!" she said poutingly. "You're too clever to believe +he's cut up over the Millikens. No--it's something awful or-- +another woman! Now, if I knew as much of India as you do--and +wasn't a woman, and could go where I liked--I'd go to Bungloore and +find him." + +"Oh! You have his address?" I said. + +"Certainly! What did you expect I was behind the curtain with the +Viceroy for?" she said, opening her violet eyes innocently. "It's +Bungloore--First Turning to the Right--At the End of the passage." + +Bungloore--near Ghouli Pass--in the Jungle! I knew the place, a +spot of dank pestilence and mystery. "You never could have gone +there," I said. + +"You do not know WHAT I could do for a FRIEND," she said sweetly, +veiling her eyes in demure significance. + +"Oh, come off the roof!" I said bluntly. + +She could be obedient when it was necessary. She came off. Not +without her revenge. "Try to remember you are not at school with +the Stalkies," she said, and turned away. + +I went to Bungloore,--not on her account, but my own. If you don't +know India, you won't know Bungloore. It's all that and more. An +egg dropped by a vulture, sat upon and addled by the Department. +But I knew the house and walked boldly in. A lion walked out of +one door as I came in at another. We did this two or three times-- +and found it amusing. A large cobra in the hall rose up, bowed as +I passed, and respectfully removed his hood. + +I found the poor old boy at the end of the passage. It might have +been the passage between Calais and Dover,--he looked so green, so +limp and dejected. I affected not to notice it, and threw myself +in a chair. + +He gazed at me for a moment and then said, "Did you hear what the +chair was saying?" + +It was an ordinary bamboo armchair, and had creaked after the usual +fashion of bamboo chairs. I said so. + +He cast his eyes to the ceiling. "He calls it 'creaking,'" he +murmured. "No matter," he continued aloud, "its remark was not of +a complimentary nature. It's very difficult to get really polite +furniture." + +The man was evidently stark, staring mad. I still affected not to +observe it, and asked him if that was why he left Simla. + +"There were Simla reasons, certainly," he replied. "But you think +I came here for solitude! SOLITUDE!" he repeated, with a laugh. +"Why, I hold daily conversations with any blessed thing in this +house, from the veranda to the chimney-stack, with any stick of +furniture, from the footstool to the towel-horse. I get more out +of it than the gabble at the Club. You look surprised. Listen! I +took this thing up in my leisure hours in the Department. I had +read much about the conversation of animals. I argued that if +animals conversed, why shouldn't inanimate things communicate with +each other? You cannot prove that animals don't converse--neither +can you prove that inanimate objects DO NOT. See?" + +I was thunderstruck with the force of his logic. + +"Of course," he continued, "there are degrees of intelligence, and +that makes it difficult. For instance, a mahogany table would not +talk like a rush-bottomed kitchen chair." He stopped suddenly, +listened, and replied, "I really couldn't say." + +"I didn't speak," I said. + +"I know YOU didn't. But your chair asked me 'how long that fool +was going to stay.' I replied as you heard. Pray don't move--I +intend to change that chair for one more accustomed to polite +society. To continue: I perfected myself in the language, and it +was awfully jolly at first. Whenever I went by train, I heard not +only all the engines said, but what every blessed carriage thought, +that joined in the conversation. If you chaps only knew what rot +those whistles can get off! And as for the brakes, they can beat +any mule driver in cursing. Then, after a time, it got rather +monotonous, and I took a short sea trip for my health. But, by +Jove, every blessed inch of the whole ship--from the screw to the +bowsprit--had something to say, and the bad language used by the +garboard strake when the ship rolled was something too awful! You +don't happen to know what the garboard strake is, do you?" + +"No," I replied. + +"No more do I. That's the dreadful thing about it. You've got to +listen to chaps that you don't know. Why, coming home on my +bicycle the other day there was an awful row between some infernal +'sprocket' and the 'ball bearings' of the machine, and I never knew +before there were such things in the whole concern. + +I thought I had got at his secret, and said carelessly: "Then I +suppose this was the reason why you broke off your engagement with +Miss Millikens?" + +"Not at all," he said coolly. "Nothing to do with it. That is +quite another affair. It's a very queer story; would you like to +hear it?" + +"By all means." I took out my notebook. + +"You remember that night of the Amateur Theatricals, got up by the +White Hussars, when the lights suddenly went out all over the +house?" + +"Yes," I replied, "I heard about it." + +"Well, I had gone down there that evening with the determination of +proposing to Mary Millikens the first chance that offered. She sat +just in front of me, her sister Jane next, and her mother, smart +Widow Millikens,--who was a bit larky on her own account, you +remember,--the next on the bench. When the lights went out and the +panic and tittering began, I saw my chance! I leaned forward, and +in a voice that would just reach Mary's ear I said, 'I have long +wished to tell you how my life is bound up with you, dear, and I +never, never can be happy without you'--when just then there was a +mighty big shove down my bench from the fellows beyond me, who were +trying to get out. But I held on like grim death, and struggled +back again into position, and went on: 'You'll forgive my taking a +chance like this, but I felt I could no longer conceal my love for +you,' when I'm blest if there wasn't another shove, and though I'd +got hold of her little hand and had a kind of squeeze in return, I +was drifted away again and had to fight my way back. But I managed +to finish, and said, 'If the devotion of a lifetime will atone for +this hurried avowal of my love for you, let me hope for a +response,' and just then the infernal lights were turned on, and +there I was holding the widow's hand and she nestling on my +shoulder, and the two girls in hysterics on the other side. You +see, I never knew that they were shoved down on their bench every +time, just as I was, and of course when I got back to where I was +I'd just skipped one of them each time! Yes, sir! I had made that +proposal in THREE sections--a part to each girl, winding up with +the mother! No explanation was possible, and I left Simla next +day. Naturally, it wasn't a thing they could talk about, either!" + +"Then you think Mrs. Awksby had nothing to do with it?" I said. + +"Nothing--absolutely nothing. By the way, if you see that lady, +you might tell her that I have possession of that brocade easy- +chair which used to stand in the corner of her boudoir. You +remember it,--faded white and yellow, with one of the casters off +and a little frayed at the back, but rather soft-spoken and +amiable? But of course you don't understand THAT. I bought it +after she moved into her new bungalow." + +"But why should I tell her that?" I asked in wonder. + +"Nothing--except that I find it very amusing with its reminiscences +of the company she used to entertain, and her confidences +generally. Good-by--take care of the lion in the hall. He always +couches on the left for a spring. Ta-ta!" + +I hurried away. When I returned to Simla I told Mrs. Awksby of my +discoveries, and spoke of the armchair. + +I fancied she colored slightly, but quickly recovered. + +"Dear old Sparkley," she said sweetly; "he WAS a champion liar!" + + +II. + +A PRIVATE'S HONOR + + +I had not seen Mulledwiney for several days. Knowing the man--this +looked bad. So I dropped in on the Colonel. I found him in deep +thought. This looked bad, too, for old Cockey Wax--as he was known +to everybody in the Hill districts but himself--wasn't given to +thinking. I guessed the cause and told him so. + +"Yes," he said wearily, "you are right! It's the old story. +Mulledwiney, Bleareyed, and Otherwise are at it again,--drink +followed by Clink. Even now two corporals and a private are +sitting on Mulledwiney's head to keep him quiet, and Bleareyed is +chained to an elephant." + +"Perhaps," I suggested, "you are unnecessarily severe." + +"Do you really think so? Thank you so much! I am always glad to +have a civilian's opinion on military matters--and vice versa--it +broadens one so! And yet--am I severe? I am willing, for +instance, to overlook their raid upon a native village, and the +ransom they demanded for a native inspector! I have overlooked +their taking the horses out of my carriage for their own use. I am +content also to believe that my fowls meekly succumb to jungle +fever and cholera. But there are some things I cannot ignore. The +carrying off of the great god Vishnu from the Sacred Shrine at +Ducidbad by The Three for the sake of the priceless opals in its +eyes"-- + +"But I never heard of THAT," I interrupted eagerly. "Tell me." + +"Ah!" said the Colonel playfully, "that--as you so often and so +amusingly say--is 'Another Story'! Yet I would have overlooked the +theft of the opals if they had not substituted two of the Queen's +regimental buttons for the eyes of the god. This, while it did not +deceive the ignorant priests, had a deep political and racial +significance. You are aware, of course, that the great mutiny was +occasioned by the issue of cartridges to the native troops greased +with hog's fat--forbidden by their religion." + +"But these three men could themselves alone quell a mutiny," I +replied. + +The Colonel grasped my hand warmly. "Thank you. So they could. I +never thought of that." He looked relieved. For all that, he +presently passed his hand over his forehead and nervously chewed +his cheroot. + +"There is something else," I said. + +"You are right. There is. It is a secret. Promise me it shall go +no further--than the Press? Nay, swear that you will KEEP it for +the Press!" + +"I promise." + +"Thank you SO much. It is a matter of my own and Mulledwiney's. +The fact is, we have had a PERSONAL difficulty." He paused, +glanced around him, and continued in a low, agitated voice: +"Yesterday I came upon him as he was sitting leaning against the +barrack wall. In a spirit of playfulness--mere playfulness, I +assure you, sir--I poked him lightly in the shoulder with my stick, +saying 'Boo!' He turned--and I shall never forget the look he gave +me." + +"Good heavens!" I gasped, "you touched--absolutely TOUCHED-- +Mulledwiney?" + +"Yes," he said hurriedly, "I knew what you would say; it was +against the Queen's Regulations--and--there was his sensitive +nature which shrinks from even a harsh word; but I did it, and of +course he has me in his power." + +"And you have touched him?" I repeated,--"touched his private +honor!" + +"Yes! But I shall atone for it! I have already arranged with him +that we shall have it out between ourselves alone, in the jungle, +stripped to the buff, with our fists--Queensberry rules! I haven't +fought since I stood up against Spinks Major--you remember old +Spinks, now of the Bombay Offensibles?--at Eton." And the old boy +pluckily bared his skinny arm. + +"It may be serious," I said. + +"I have thought of that. I have a wife, several children, and an +aged parent in England. If I fall, they must never know. You must +invent a story for them. I have thought of cholera, but that is +played out; you know we have already tried it on The Boy who was +Thrown Away. Invent something quiet, peaceable and respectable--as +far removed from fighting as possible. What do you say to +measles?" + +"Not half bad," I returned. + +"Measles let it be, then! Say I caught it from Wee Willie Winkie. +You do not think it too incredible?" he added timidly. + +"Not more than YOUR story," I said. + +He grasped my hand, struggling violently with his emotion. Then he +struggled with me--and I left hurriedly. Poor old boy! The +funeral was well attended, however, and no one knew the truth, not +even myself. + + +III + +JUNGLE FOLK + + +It was high noon of a warm summer's day when Moo Kow came down to +the watering-place. Miaow, otherwise known as "Puskat"--the +warmth-loving one--was crouching on a limb that overhung the pool, +sunning herself. Brer Rabbit--but that is Another Story by Another +Person. + +Three or four Gee Gees, already at the pool, moved away on the +approach of Moo Kow. + +"Why do ye stand aside?" said the Moo Kow. + +"Why do you say 'ye'?" said the Gee Gees together. + +"Because it's more impressive than 'you.' Don't you know that all +animals talk that way in English?" said the Moo Kow. + +"And they also say 'thou,' and don't you forget it!" interrupted +Miaow from the tree. "I learnt that from a Man Cub." + +The animals were silent. They did not like Miaow's slang, and were +jealous of her occasionally sitting on a Man Cub's lap. Once Dun- +kee, a poor relation of the Gee Gees, had tried it on, +disastrously--but that is also Another and a more Aged Story. + +"We are ridden by The English--please to observe the Capital +letters," said Pi Bol, the leader of the Gee Gees, proudly. "They +are a mighty race who ride anything and everybody. D'ye mind that-- +I mean, look ye well to it!" + +"What should they know of England who only England know?" said +Miaow. + +"Is that a conundrum?" asked the Moo Kow. + +"No; it's poetry," said the Miaow. + +"I know England," said Pi Bol prancingly. "I used to go from the +Bank to Islington three times a day--I mean," he added hurriedly, +"before I became a screw--I should say, a screw-gun horse." + +"And I," said the Moo Kow, "am terrible. When the young women and +children in the village see me approach they fly shriekingly. My +presence alone has scattered their sacred festival--The Sundes Kool +Piknik. I strike terror to their inmost souls, and am more feared +by them than even Kreep-mows, the insidious! And yet, behold! I +have taken the place of the mothers of men, and I have nourished +the mighty ones of the earth! But that," said the Moo Kow, turning +her head aside bashfully, "that is Anudder Story." + +A dead silence fell on the pool. + +"And I," said Miaow, lifting up her voice, "I am the horror and +haunter of the night season. When I pass like the night wind over +the roofs of the houses men shudder in their beds and tremble. +When they hear my voice as I creep stealthily along their balconies +they cry to their gods for succor. They arise, and from their +windows they offer me their priceless household treasures--the +sacred vessels dedicated to their great god Shiv--which they call +'Shivin Mugs'--the Kloes Brosh, the Boo-jak, urging me to fly them! +And yet," said Miaow mournfully, "it is but my love-song! Think ye +what they would do if I were on the war-path." + +Another dead silence fell on the pool. Then arose that strange, +mysterious, indefinable Thing, known as "The Scent." The animals +sniffed. + +"It heralds the approach of the Stalkies--the most famous of +British Skool Boaz," said the Moo Kow. "They have just placed a +decaying guinea-pig, two white mice in an advanced state of +decomposition, and a single slice of Limburger cheese in the bed of +their tutor. They had previously skillfully diverted the drains so +that they emptied into the drawing-room of the head-master. They +have just burned down his house in an access of noble zeal, and are +fighting among themselves for the spoil. Hark! do ye hear them?" + +A wild medley of shrieks and howls had arisen, and an irregular mob +of strange creatures swept out of the distance toward the pool. +Some were like pygmies, some had bloody noses. Their talk +consisted of feverish, breathless ejaculations,--a gibberish in +which the words "rot," "oach," and "giddy" were preeminent. Some +were exciting themselves by chewing a kind of "bhang" made from the +plant called pappahmint; others had their faces streaked with djam. + +"But who is this they are ducking in the pool?" asked Pi Bol. + +"It is one who has foolishly and wantonly conceived that his +parents have sent him here to study," said the Moo Kow; "but that +is against the rules of the Stalkies, who accept study only as a +punishment." + +"Then these be surely the 'Bander Log'--the monkey folk--of whom +the good Rhuddyidd has told us," said a Gee Gee--"the ones who have +no purpose--and forget everything." + +"Fool!" said the Moo Kow. "Know ye not that the great Rhuddyidd +has said that the Stalkies become Major-Generals, V. C.'s, and C. +B's of the English? Truly, they are great. Look now; ye shall see +one of the greatest traits of the English Stalky." + +One of the pygmy Stalkies was offering a bun to a larger one, who +hesitated, but took it coldly. + +"Behold! it is one of the greatest traits of this mighty race not +to show any emotion. He WOULD take the bun--he HAS taken it! He +is pleased--but he may not show it. Observe him eat." + +The taller Stalky, after eating the bun, quietly kicked the giver, +knocked off his hat, and turned away with a calm, immovable face. + +"Good!" said the Moo Kow. "Ye would not dream that he was +absolutely choking with grateful emotion?" + +"We would not," said the animals. + +"But why are they all running back the way they came?" asked Pi +Bol. + +"They are going back to punishment. Great is its power. Have ye +not heard the gospel of Rhuddyidd the mighty? 'Force is +everything! Gentleness won't wash, courtesy is deceitful. +Politeness is foreign. Be ye beaten that ye may beat. Pass the +kick on.'" + +But here he was interrupted by the appearance of three soldiers who +were approaching the watering-place. + +"Ye are now," said the Moo Kow, "with the main guard. The first is +Bleareyed, who carries a raven in a cage, which he has stolen from +the wife of a deputy commissioner. He will paint the bird snow +white and sell it as a dove to the same lady. The second is +Otherwise, who is dragging a small garden engine, of which he has +despoiled a native gardener, whom he has felled with a single blow. +The third is Mulledwiney, swinging a cut-glass decanter of sherry +which he has just snatched from the table of his colonel. +Mulledwiney and Otherwise will play the engine upon Bleareyed, who +is suffering from heat apoplexy and djim-djams." + +The three soldiers seated themselves in the pool. + +"They are going to tell awful war stories now," said the Moo Kow, +"stories that are large and strong! Some people are shocked-- +others like 'em." + +Then he that was called Mulledwiney told a story. In the middle of +it Miaow got up from the limb of the tree, coughed slightly, and +put her paw delicately over her mouth. "You must excuse me," she +said faintly. "I am taken this way sometimes--and I have left my +salts at home. Thanks! I can get down myself!" The next moment +she had disappeared, but was heard coughing in the distance. + +Mulledwiney winked at his companions and continued his story:-- + +"Wid that we wor in the thick av the foight. Whin I say 'thick' I +mane it, sorr! We wor that jammed together, divil a bit cud we +shoot or cut! At fur-rest, I had lashed two mushkits together wid +the baynits out so, like a hay fork, and getting the haymaker's +lift on thim, I just lifted two Paythians out--one an aych baynit-- +and passed 'em, aisy-like, over me head to the rear rank for them +to finish. But what wid the blud gettin' into me ois, I was +blinded, and the pressure kept incraysin' until me arrums was +thrussed like a fowl to me sides, and sorra a bit cud I move but me +jaws!" + +"And bloomin' well you knew how to use them," said Otherwise. + +"Thrue for you--though ye don't mane it!" said Mulledwiney, +playfully tapping Otherwise on the head with a decanter till the +cut glass slowly shivered. "So, begorra! there wor nothing left +for me to do but to ATE thim! Wirra! but it was the crooel +worruk." + +"Excuse me, my lord," interrupted the gasping voice of Pi Bol as he +began to back from the pool, "I am but a horse, I know, and being +built in that way--naturally have the stomach of one--yet, really, +my lord, this--er"-- And his voice was gone. + +The next moment he had disappeared. Mulledwiney looked around with +affected concern. + +"Save us! But we've cleaned out the Jungle! Sure, there's not a +baste left but ourselves!" + +It was true. The watering-place was empty. Moo Kow, Miaow, and +the Gee Gees had disappeared. Presently there was a booming crash +and a long, deep rumbling among the distant hills. Then they knew +they were near the old Moulmein Pagoda, and the dawn had come up +like thunder out of China 'cross the bay. It always came up that +way there. The strain was too great, and day was actually +breaking. + + + +"ZUT-SKI" + +THE PROBLEM OF A WICKED FEME SOLE + +BY M--R--E C--R--LLI + + +I + + +The great pyramid towered up from the desert with its apex toward +the moon which hung in the sky. For centuries it had stood thus, +disdaining the aid of gods or man, being, as the Sphinx herself +observed, able to stand up for itself. And this was no small +praise from that sublime yet mysterious female who had seen the +ages come and go, empires rise and fall, novelist succeed novelist, +and who, for eons and cycles the cynosure and centre of admiration +and men's idolatrous worship, had yet--wonderful for a woman-- +through it all kept her head, which now alone remained to survey +calmly the present. Indeed, at that moment that magnificent and +peaceful face seemed to have lost--with a few unimportant features-- +its usual expression of speculative wisdom and intense disdain; +its mouth smiled, its left eyelid seemed to droop. As the opal +tints of dawn deepened upon it, the eyelid seemed to droop lower, +closed, and quickly recovered itself twice. You would have thought +the Sphinx had winked. + +Then arose a voice like a wind on the desert,--but really from the +direction of the Nile, where a hired dahabiyeh lay moored to the +bank,--"'Arry Axes! 'Arry Axes!" With it came also a flapping, +trailing vision from the water--the sacred Ibis itself--and with +wings aslant drifted mournfully away to its own creaking echo: +"K'raksis! K'raksis!" Again arose the weird voice: "'Arry Axes! +Wotcher doin' of?" And again the Ibis croaked its wild refrain: +"K'raksis! K'raksis!" Moonlight and the hour wove their own +mystery (for which the author is not responsible), and the voice +was heard no more. But when the full day sprang in glory over the +desert, it illuminated the few remaining but sufficiently large +features of the Sphinx with a burning saffron radiance! The Sphinx +had indeed blushed! + + +II + + +It was the full season at Cairo. The wealth and fashion of +Bayswater, South Kensington, and even the bosky Wood of the +Evangelist had sent their latest luxury and style to flout the +tombs of the past with the ghastly flippancy of to-day. The cheap +tripper was there--the latest example of the Darwinian theory-- +apelike, flea and curio hunting! Shamelessly inquisitive and +always hungry, what did he know of the Sphinx or the pyramids or +the voice--and, for the matter of that, what did they know of him? +And yet he was not half bad in comparison with the "swagger +people,"--these people who pretend to have lungs and what not, and +instead of galloping on merry hunters through the frost and snow of +Piccadilly and Park, instead of enjoying the roaring fires of piled +logs in the evening, at the first approach of winter steal away to +the Land of the Sun, and decline to die, like honest Britons, on +British soil. And then they know nothing of the Egyptians and are +horrified at "bakshish," which they really ought to pay for the +privilege of shocking the straight-limbed, naked-footed Arab in his +single rough garment with their baggy elephant-legged trousers! +And they know nothing of the mystic land of the old gods, filled +with profound enigmas of the supernatural, dark secrets yet +unexplored except in this book. Well might the great Memnon murmur +after this lapse of these thousand years, "They're making me +tired!" + +Such was the blissful, self-satisfied ignorance of Sir Midas Pyle, +or as Lord Fitz-Fulke, with his delightful imitation of the East +London accent, called him, Sir "Myde His Pyle," as he leaned back +on his divan in the Grand Cairo Hotel. He was the vulgar editor +and proprietor of a vulgar London newspaper, and had brought his +wife with him, who was vainly trying to marry off his faded +daughters. There was to be a fancy-dress ball at the hotel that +night, and Lady Pyle hoped that her girls, if properly disguised, +might have a better chance. Here, too, was Lady Fitz-Fulke, whose +mother was immortalized by Byron--sixty if a day, yet still +dressing youthfully--who had sought the land of the Sphinx in the +faint hope that in the contiguity of that lady she might pass for +being young. Alaster McFeckless, a splendid young Scotchman,-- +already dressed as a Florentine sailor of the fifteenth century, +which enabled him to show his magnificent calves quite as well as +in his native highland dress, and who had added with characteristic +noble pride a sporran to his costume, was lolling on another divan. + +"Oh, those exquisite, those magnificent eyes of hers! Eh, sirs!" +he murmured suddenly, as waking from a dream. + +"Oh, damn her eyes!" said Lord Fitz-Fulke languidly. "Tell you +what, old man, you're just gone on that girl!" + +"Ha!" roared MeFeckless, springing to his feet, "ye will be using +such language of the bonniest"-- + +"You will excuse me, gentlemen," said Sir Midas,--who hated scenes +unless he had a trusted reporter with him,--"but I think it is time +for me to go upstairs and put on my Windsor uniform, which I find +exceedingly convenient for these mixed assemblies." He withdrew, +caressing his protuberant paunch with some dignity, as the two men +glanced fiercely at each other. + +In another moment they might have sprung at each other's throats. +But luckily at this instant a curtain was pushed aside as if by +some waiting listener, and a thin man entered, dressed in cap and +gown,--which would have been simply academic but for his carrying +in one hand behind him a bundle of birch twigs. It was Dr. Haustus +Pilgrim, a noted London practitioner and specialist, dressed as "Ye +Olde-fashioned Pedagogue." He was presumably spending his holiday +on the Nile in a large dahabiyeh with a number of friends, among +whom he counted the two momentary antagonists he had just +interrupted; but those who knew the doctor's far-reaching knowledge +and cryptic researches believed he had his own scientific motives. + +The two men turned quickly as he entered; the angry light faded +from their eyes, and an awed and respectful submission to the +intruder took its place. He walked quietly toward them, put a +lozenge in the mouth of one and felt the pulse of the other, gazing +critically at both. + +"We will be all right in a moment," he said with professional +confidence. + +"I say!" said Fitz-Fulke, gazing at the doctor's costume, "you look +dooced smart in those togs, don'tcherknow." + +"They suit me," said the doctor, with a playful swish of his birch +twigs, at which the two grave men shuddered. "But you were +speaking of somebody's beautiful eyes." + +"The Princess Zut-Ski's," returned McFeckless eagerly; "and this +daft callant said"-- + +"He didn't like them," put in Fitz-Fulke promptly. + +"Ha!" said the doctor sharply, "and why not, sir?" As Fitz-Fulke +hesitated, he added brusquely: "There! Run away and play! I've +business with this young man," pointing to McFeckless. + +As Fitz-Fulke escaped gladly from the room, the doctor turned to +McFeckless. "It won't do, my boy. The Princess is not for you-- +you'll only break your heart and ruin your family over her! That's +my advice. Chuck her!" + +"But I cannot," said McFeckless humbly. "Think of her weirdly +beautiful eyes." + +"I see," said the doctor meditatively; "sort of makes you feel +creepy? Kind of all-overishness, eh? That's like her. But whom +have we here?" + +He was staring at a striking figure that had just entered, closely +followed by a crowd of admiring spectators. And, indeed, he seemed +worthy of the homage. His magnificent form was closely attired in +a velveteen jacket and trousers, with a singular display of pearl +buttons along the seams, that were absolutely lavish in their +quantity; a hat adorned with feathers and roses completed his +singularly picturesque equipment. + +"Chevalier!" burst out McFeckless in breathless greeting. + +"Ah, mon ami! What good chance?" returned the newcomer, rushing to +him and kissing him on both cheeks, to the British horror of Sir +Midas, who had followed. "Ah, but you are perfect!" he added, +kissing his fingers in admiration of McFeckless's Florentine dress. + +"But you?--what is this ravishing costume?" asked McFeckless, with +a pang of jealousy. "You are god-like." + +"It is the dress of what you call the Koster, a transplanted +Phenician tribe," answered the other. "They who knocked 'em in the +road of Old Kent--know you not the legend?" As he spoke, he lifted +his superb form to a warrior's height and gesture. + +"But is this quite correct?" asked Fitz-Fulke of the doctor. + +"Perfectly," said the doctor oracularly. "The renowned ''Arry +Axes'--I beg his pardon," he interrupted himself hastily, "I mean +the Chevalier--is perfect in his archaeology and ethnology. The +Koster is originally a Gypsy, which is but a corruption of the word +'Egyptian,' and, if I mistake not, that gentleman is a lineal +descendant." + +"But he is called 'Chevalier,' and he speaks like a Frenchman," +said Fluffy. + +"And, being a Frenchman, of course knows nothing outside of Paris," +said Sir Midas. + +"We are in the Land of Mystery," said the doctor gravely in a low +voice. "You have heard of the Egyptian Hall and the Temple of +Mystery?" + +A shudder passed through many that were there; but the majority +were following with wild adulation the superb Koster, who, with +elbows slightly outward and hands turned inward, was passing toward +the ballroom. McFeckless accompanied him with conflicting +emotions. Would he see the incomparable Princess, who was lovelier +and even still more a mystery than the Chevalier? Would she-- +terrible thought!--succumb to his perfections? + + +III + + +The Princess was already there, surrounded by a crowd of admirers, +equal if not superior to those who were following the superb +Chevalier. Indeed, they met almost as rivals! Their eyes sought +each other in splendid competition. The Chevalier turned away, +dazzled and incoherent. "She is adorable, magnificent!" he gasped +to McFeckless. "I love her on the instant! Behold, I am +transported, ravished! Present me." + +Indeed, as she stood there in a strange gauzy garment of exquisite +colors, apparently shapeless, yet now and then revealing her +perfect figure like a bather seen through undulating billows, she +was lovely. Two wands were held in her taper fingers, whose +mystery only added to the general curiosity, but whose weird and +cabalistic uses were to be seen later. Her magnificent face-- +strange in its beauty--was stranger still, since, with perfect +archaeological Egyptian correctness, she presented it only in +profile, at whatever angle the spectator stood. But such a +profile! The words of the great Poet-King rose to McFeckless's +lips: "Her nose is as a tower that looketh toward Damascus." + +He hesitated a moment, torn with love and jealousy, and then +presented his friend. "You will fall in love with her--and then-- +you will fall also by my hand," he hissed in his rival's ear, and +fled tumultuously. + +"Voulez-vous danser, mademoiselle?" whispered the Chevalier in the +perfect accent of the boulevardier. + +"Merci, beaucoup," she replied in the diplomatic courtesies of the +Ambassadeurs. + +They danced together, not once, but many times, to the admiration, +the wonder and envy of all; to the scandalized reprobation of a +proper few. Who was she? Who was he? It was easy to answer the +last question: the world rang with the reputation of "Chevalier the +Artist." But she was still a mystery. + +Perhaps they were not so to each other! He was gazing deliriously +into her eyes. She was looking at him in disdainful curiosity. +"I've seen you before somewhere, haven't I?" she said at last, with +a crushing significance. + +He shuddered, he knew not why, and passed his hand over his high +forehead. "Yes, I go there very often," he replied vacantly. "But +you, mademoiselle--you--I have met before?" + +"Oh, ages, ages ago!" There was something weird in her emphasis. + +"Ha!" said a voice near them, "I thought so!" It was the doctor, +peering at them curiously. "And you both feel rather dazed and +creepy?" He suddenly felt their pulses, lingering, however, as the +Chevalier fancied, somewhat longer than necessary over the lady's +wrist and beautiful arm. He then put a small round box in the +Chevalier's hand, saying, "One before each meal," and turning to +the lady with caressing professional accents said, "We must wrap +ourselves closely and endeavor to induce perspiration," and hurried +away, dragging the Chevalier with him. When they reached a +secluded corner, he said, "You had just now a kind of feeling, +don't you know, as if you'd sort of been there before, didn't you?" + +"Yes, what you call a--preexistence," said the Chevalier +wonderingly. + +"Yes; I have often observed that those who doubt a future state of +existence have no hesitation in accepting a previous one," said the +doctor dryly. "But come, I see from the way the crowd are hurrying +that your divinity's number is up--I mean," he corrected himself +hastily, "that she is probably dancing again." + +"Aha! with him, the imbecile McFeckless?" gasped the Chevalier. + +"No, alone." + +She was indeed alone, in the centre of the ballroom--with +outstretched arms revolving in an occult, weird, dreamy, mystic, +druidical, cabalistic circle. They now for the first time +perceived the meaning of those strange wands which appeared to be +attached to the many folds of her diaphanous skirts and involved +her in a fleecy, whirling cloud. Yet in the wild convolutions of +her garments and the mad gyrations of her figure, her face was +upturned with the seraphic intensity of a devotee, and her lips +parted as with the impassioned appeal for "Light! more light!" And +the appeal was answered. A flood of blue, crimson, yellow, and +green radiance was alternately poured upon her from the black box +of a mysterious Nubian slave in the gallery. The effect was +marvelous; at one moment she appeared as a martyr in a sheet of +flame, at another as an angel wrapped in white and muffled purity, +and again as a nymph of the cerulean sea, and then suddenly a cloud +of darkness seemed to descend upon her, through which for an +instant her figure, as immaculate and perfect as a marble statue, +showed distinctly--then the light went out and she vanished! + +The whole assembly burst into a rapturous cry. Even the common +Arab attendants who were peeping in at the doors raised their +melodious native cry, "Alloe, Fullah! Aloe, Fullah!" again and +again. + +A shocked silence followed. Then the voice of Sir Midas Pyle was +heard addressing Dr. Haustus Pilgrim: + +"May we not presume, sir, that what we have just seen is not unlike +that remarkable exhibition when I was pained to meet you one +evening at the Alhambra?" + +The doctor coughed slightly. "The Alhambra--ah, yes!--you--er-- +refer, I presume, to Granada and the Land of the Moor, where we +last met. The music and dance are both distinctly Moorish--which, +after all, is akin to the Egyptian. I am gratified indeed that +your memory should be so retentive and your archaeological +comparison so accurate. But see! the ladies are retiring. Let us +follow." + + +IV + + +The intoxication produced by the performance of the Princess +naturally had its reaction. The British moral soul, startled out +of its hypocrisy the night before, demanded the bitter beer of +self-consciousness and remorse the next morning. The ladies were +now openly shocked at what they had secretly envied. Lady Pyle +was, however, propitiated by the doctor's assurance that the +Princess was a friend of Lady Fitz-Fulke, who had promised to lend +her youthful age and aristocratic prestige to the return ball which +the Princess had determined to give at her own home. "Still, I +think the Princess open to criticism," said Sir Midas oracularly. + +"Damn all criticism and critics!" burst out McFeckless, with the +noble frankness of a passionate and yet unfettered soul. Sir +Midas, who employed critics in his business, as he did other base +and ignoble slaves, drew up himself and his paunch and walked away. + +The Chevalier cast a superb look at McFeckless. "Voila! Regard me +well! I shall seek out this Princess when she is with herself! +Alone, comprenez? I shall seek her at her hotel in the Egyptian +Hall! Ha! ha! I shall seek Zut-Ski! Zut!" And he made that +rapid yet graceful motion of his palm against his thigh known only +to the true Parisian. + +"It's a rum hole where she lives, and nobody gets a sight of her," +said Flossy. "It's like a beastly family vault, don't you know, +outside, and there's a kind of nigger doorkeeper that vises you and +chucks you out if you haven't the straight tip. I'll show you the +way, if you like." + +"Allons, en avant!" said the Chevalier gayly. "I precipitate +myself there on the instant." + +"Remember!" hissed McFeckless, grasping his arm, "you shall account +to me!" + +"Bien!" said the Chevalier, shaking him off lightly. "All a-r-r- +right." Then, in that incomparable baritone, which had so often +enthralled thousands, he moved away, trolling the first verse of +the Princess's own faint, sweet, sad song of the "Lotus Lily," that +thrilled McFeckless even through the Chevalier's marked French +accent:-- + + + "Oh, a hard zing to get is ze Lotus Lillee! + She lif in ze swamp--in ze watair chillee; + She make your foot wet--and you look so sillee, + But you buy her for sixpence in Piccadillee!" + + +In half an hour the two men reached the remote suburb where the +Princess lived, a gloomy, windowless building. Pausing under a low +archway over which in Egyptian characters appeared the faded +legend, "Sta Ged Oor," they found a Nubian slave blocking the dim +entrance. + +"I leave you here," said Flossy hurriedly, "as even I left once +before--only then I was lightly assisted by his sandaled foot," he +added, rubbing himself thoughtfully. "But better luck to you." + +As his companion retreated swiftly, the Chevalier turned to the +slave and would have passed in, but the man stopped him. "Got a +pass, boss?" + +"No," said the Chevalier. + +The man looked at him keenly. "Oh, I see! one of de profesh." + +The Chevalier nodded haughtily. The man preceded him by devious, +narrow ways and dark staircases, coming abruptly upon a small +apartment where the Princess sat on a low divan. A single lamp +inclosed in an ominous wire cage flared above her. Strange things +lay about the floor and shelves, and from another door he could see +hideous masks, frightful heads, and disproportionate faces. He +shuddered slightly, but recovered himself and fell on his knees +before her. "I lofe you," he said madly. "I have always lofed +you!" + +"For how long?" she asked, with a strange smile. + +He covertly consulted his shirt cuff. "For tree tousand fife +hundred and sixty-two years," he said rapidly. + +She looked at him disdainfully. "The doctor has been putting you +up to that! It won't wash! I don't refer to your shirt cuff," she +added with deep satire. + +"Adorable one!" he broke out passionately, attempting to embrace +her, "I have come to take you." Without moving, she touched a knob +in the wall. A trap-door beyond him sank, and out of the bowels of +the earth leaped three indescribable demons. Then, rising, she +took a cake of chalk from the table and, drawing a mystic half +circle on the floor, returned to the divan, lit a cigarette, and +leaning comfortably back, said in a low, monotonous voice, "Advance +one foot within that magic line, and on that head, although it wore +a crown, I launch the curse of Rome." + +"I--only wanted to take you--with a kodak," he said, with a light +laugh to conceal his confusion, as he produced the instrument from +his coat-tail pocket. + +"Not with that cheap box," she said, rising with magnificent +disdain. "Come again with a decent instrument--and perhaps"-- +Then, lightly humming in a pure contralto, "I've been photographed +like this--I've been photographed like that," she summoned the +slave to conduct him back, and vanished through a canvas screen, +which nevertheless seemed to the dazed Chevalier to be the stony +front of the pyramids. + + +V + + +"And you saw her?" said the doctor in French. + +"Yes; but the three-thousand-year gag did not work! She spotted +you, cher ami, on the instant. And she wouldn't let me take her +with my kodak." + +The doctor looked grave. "I see," he mused thoughtfully. "You must +have my camera, a larger one and more bulky perhaps to carry; but +she will not object to that,--she who has stood for full lengths. +I will give you some private instructions." + +"But, cher doctor, this previous-existence idea--at what do you +arrive?" + +"There is much to say for it," said the doctor oracularly. "It has +survived in the belief of all ages. Who can tell? That some men +in a previous existence may have been goats or apes," continued the +doctor, looking at him curiously, "does not seem improbable! From +the time of Pythagoras we have known that; but that the individual +as an individual ego has been remanded or projected, has harked +back or anticipated himself, is, we may say, with our powers of +apperception,--that is, the perception that we are perceiving,-- +is"-- + +But the Chevalier had fled. "No matter," said the doctor, "I will +see McFeckless." He did. He found him gloomy, distraught, +baleful. He felt his pulse. "The mixture as before," he said +briefly, "and a little innocent diversion. There is an Aunt Sally +on the esplanade--two throws for a penny. It will do you good. +Think no more of this woman! Listen,--I wish you well; your family +have always been good patients of mine. Marry some good Scotch +girl; I know one with fifty thousand pounds. Let the Princess go!" + +"To him--never! I will marry her! Yet," he murmured softly to +himself, "feefty thousand pun' is nae small sum. Aye! Not that I +care for siller--but feefty thousand pun'! Eh, sirs!" + + +VI + + +Dr. Haustus knew that the Chevalier had again visited the Princess, +although he had kept the visit a secret,--and indeed was himself +invisible for a day or two afterwards. At last the doctor's +curiosity induced him to visit the Chevalier's apartment. +Entering, he was surprised--even in that Land of Mystery--to find +the room profoundly dark, smelling of Eastern drugs, and the +Chevalier sitting before a large plate of glass which he was +examining by the aid of a lurid ruby lamp,--the only light in the +weird gloom. His face was pale and distraught, his locks were +disheveled. + +"Voila!" he said. "Mon Dieu! It is my third attempt. Always the +same--hideous, monstrous, unearthly! It is she, and yet it is not +she!" + +The doctor, professional man as he was and inured to such +spectacles, was startled! The plate before him showed the +Princess's face in all its beautiful contour, but only dimly +veiling a ghastly death's-head below. There was the whole bony +structure of the head and the eyeless sockets; even the graceful, +swan-like neck showed the articulated vertebral column that +supported it in all its hideous reality. The beautiful shoulders +were there, dimly as in a dream--but beneath was the empty +clavicle, the knotty joint, the hollow sternum, and the ribs of a +skeleton half length! + +The doctor's voice broke the silence. "My friend," he said dryly, +"you see only the truth! You see what she really is, this peerless +Princess of yours. You see her as she is to-day, and you see her +kinship to the bones that have lain for centuries in yonder +pyramid. Yet they were once as fair as this, and this was as fair +as they--in effect the same! You that have madly, impiously adored +her superficial beauty, the mere dust of tomorrow, let this be a +warning to you! You that have no soul to speak of, let that +suffice you! Take her and be happy. Adieu!" + +Yet, as he passed out of the fitting tomblike gloom of the +apartment and descended the stairs, he murmured to himself: "Odd +that I should have lent him my camera with the Rontgen-ray +attachment still on. No matter! It is not the first time that the +Princess has appeared in two parts the same evening." + + +VII + + +In spite of envy, jealousy, and malice, a certain curiosity greater +than all these drew everybody to the Princess Zut-Ski's ball. Lady +Fitz-Fulke was there in virgin white, looking more youthful than +ever, in spite of her sixty-five years and the card labeled "Fresh +Paint" which somebody had playfully placed upon her enameled +shoulder. The McFecklesses, the Pyles, Flossy, the doctor, and the +Chevalier--looking still anxious--were in attendance. + +The mysterious Nubian doorkeeper admitted the guests through the +same narrow passages, much to the disgust of Lady Pyle and the +discomfiture of her paunchy husband; but on reaching a large +circular interior hall, a greater surprise was in store for them. +It was found that the only entrance to the body of the hall was +along a narrow ledge against the bare wall some distance from the +floor, which obliged the guests to walk slowly, in single file, +along this precarious strip, giving them the attitudes of an +Egyptian frieze, which was suggested in the original plaster above +them. It is needless to say that, while the effect was ingenious +and striking from the centre of the room, where the Princess stood +with a few personal friends, it was exceedingly uncomfortable to +the figures themselves, in their enforced march along the ledge,-- +especially a figure of Sir Midas Pyle's proportions. Suddenly an +exclamation broke from the doctor. + +"Do you see," he said to the Princess, pointing to the figure of +the Chevalier, who was filing along with his sinewy hands slightly +turned inward, "how surprisingly like he is to the first attendant +on the King in the real frieze above? And that," added the doctor, +"was none other than 'Arry Axes, the Egyptian you are always +thinking of." And he peered curiously at her. + +"Goodness me!" murmured the Princess, in an Arabic much more soft +and fluent than the original gum. "So he does--look like him." + +"And do you know you look like him, too? Would you mind taking a +walk around together?" + +They did, amid the acclamations of the crowd. The likeness was +perfect. The Princess, however, was quite white as she eagerly +rejoined the doctor. + +"And this means--?" she hissed in a low whisper. + +"That he is the real 'Arry Axes! Hush, not a word now! We join +the dahabiyeh to-night. At daybreak you will meet him at the +fourth angle of the pyramid, first turning from the Nile!" + + +VIII + + +The crescent moon hung again over the apex of the Great Pyramid, +like a silver cutting from the rosy nail of a houri. The Sphinx-- +mighty guesser of riddles, reader of rebuses and universal solver +of missing words--looked over the unfathomable desert and these few +pages, with the worried, hopeless expression of one who is obliged +at last to give it up. And then the wailing voice of a woman, +toiling up the steep steps of the pyramid, was heard above the +creaking of the Ibis: "'Arry Axes! Where are you? Wait for me." + +"J'y suis," said a voice from the very summit of the stupendous +granite bulk, "yet I cannot reach it." + +And in that faint light the figure of a man was seen, lifting his +arms wildly toward the moon. + +"'Arry Axes," persisted the voice, drifting higher, "wait for me; +we are pursued." + +And indeed it was true. A band of Nubians, headed by the doctor, +was already swarming like ants up the pyramid, and the unhappy pair +were secured. And when the sun rose, it was upon the white sails +of the dahabiyeh, the vacant pyramid, and the slumbering Sphinx. + + +There was great excitement at the Cairo Hotel the next morning. +The Princess and the Chevalier had disappeared, and with them +Alaster McFeckless, Lady Fitz-Fulke, the doctor, and even his +dahabiyeh! A thousand rumors had been in circulation. Sir Midas +Pyle looked up from the "Times" with his usual I-told-you-so +expression. + +"It is the most extraordinary thing, don'tcherknow," said Fitz- +Fulke. "It seems that Dr. Haustus Pilgrim was here professionally-- +as a nerve specialist--in the treatment of hallucinations produced +by neurotic conditions, you know." + +"A mad doctor, here!" gasped Sir Midas. + +"Yes. The Princess, the Chevalier, McFeckless, and even my mother +were all patients of his on the dahabiyeh. He believed, +don'tcherknow, in humoring them and letting them follow out their +cranks, under his management. The Princess was a music-hall artist +who imagined she was a dead and gone Egyptian Princess; and the +queerest of all, 'Arry Axes was also a music-hall singer who +imagined himself Chevalier--you know, the great Koster artist--and +that's how we took him for a Frenchman. McFeckless and my poor old +mother were the only ones with any real rank and position--but you +know what a beastly bounder Mac was, and the poor mater DID overdo +the youthful! We never called the doctor in until the day she +wanted to go to a swell ball in London as Little Red Riding-hood. +But the doctor writes me that the experiment was a success, and +they'll be all right when they get back to London." + +"Then, it seems, sir, that you and I were the only sane ones here," +said Sir Midas furiously. + +"Really it's as much as I can do to be certain about myself, old +chappie," said Fitz-Fulke, turning away. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of New Burlesques, by Bret Harte + diff --git a/old/nbrlq10.zip b/old/nbrlq10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..55bb4c6 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/nbrlq10.zip |