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diff --git a/22712.txt b/22712.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..02ed797 --- /dev/null +++ b/22712.txt @@ -0,0 +1,862 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Lost, by Edward Bellamy + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Lost + 1898 + +Author: Edward Bellamy + +Release Date: September 21, 2007 [EBook #22712] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOST *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +LOST + +By Edward Bellamy + +1898 + + +The 25th of May, 1866, was no doubt to many a quite indifferent date, +but to two persons it was the saddest day of their lives. Charles +Randall that day left Bonn, Germany, to catch the steamer home to +America, and Ida Werner was left with a mountain of grief on her gentle +bosom, which must be melted away drop by drop, in tears, before she +could breathe freely again. + +A year before, Randall, hunting for apartments, his last term at +the university just begun, had seen the announcement, "_Zimmer zu +vermiethen_," in the hall below the flat where the Werners lived. Ida +answered his ring, for her father was still at his government office, +and her mother had gone out to the market to buy the supper. She would +much rather her mother had been at home to show the gentleman the rooms; +but, knowing that they could not afford to lose a chance to rent them, +she plucked up courage, and, candle in hand, showed him through the +suite. When he came next day with his baggage, he learned for the first +time what manner of apartments he had engaged; for although he had +protracted the investigation the previous evening to the furthest +corner, and had been most exacting as to explanations, he had really +rented the rooms entirely on account of a certain light in which a set +of Madonna features, in auburn hair, had shown at the first opening of +the door. + +A year had passed since this, and a week ago a letter from home had +stated that his father, indignant at his unexplained stay six months +beyond the end of his course, had sent him one last remittance, barely +sufficient for a steamer ticket, with the intimation that if he did not +return on a set day, he must thenceforth attend to his own exchequer. +The 25th was the last day on which he could leave Bonn to catch the +requisite steamer. Had it been in November, nature at least would have +sympathized; it was cruel that their autumn time of separation should +fall in the spring, when the sky is full of bounteous promise and the +earth of blissful trust. + +Love is so improvident that a parting a year away is no more feared than +death, and a month's end seems dim and distant. But a week,--a week +only,--that even to love is short, and the beginning of the end. The +chilling mist that rose from the gulf of separation so near before them +overshadowed all the brief remnant of their path. They were constantly +together. But a silence had come upon them. Never had words seemed +idler, they had so much to say. They could say nothing that did not mock +the weight on their hearts, and seem trivial and impertinent because it +was exclusive of more important matter. The utmost they could do was +to lay their hearts open toward each other to receive every least +impression of voice, and look, and manner, to be remembered afterward. +At evening they went into the minster church, and, sitting in the +shadows, listened to the sweet, shrill choir of boys whose music +distilled the honey of sorrow; and as the deep bass organ chords gripped +their hearts with the tones that underlie all weal and woe, they looked +in each other's eyes, and did for a space feel so near that all the +separation that could come after seemed but a trifling thing. + +It was all arranged between them. He was to earn money, or get a +position in business, and return in a year or two at most and bring her +to America. + +"Oh," she said once, "if I could but sleep till thou comest again to +wake me, how blessed I should be; but, alas, I must wake all through the +desolate time!" + +Although for the most part she comforted him rather than he her, yet at +times she gave way, and once suddenly turned to him and hid her face on +his breast, and said, trembling with tearless sobs:-- + +"I know I shall never see thee more, Karl. Thou wilt forget me in thy +great, far land and wilt love another. My heart tells me so." + +And then she raised her head, and her streaming eyes blazed with anger. + +"I will hover about thee, and if thou lovest another, I will kill her as +she sleeps by thy side." + +And the woman must have loved him much who, after seeing that look of +hers, would have married him. But a moment after she was listening with +abject ear to his promises. + +The day came at last. He was to leave at three o'clock. After the +noontide meal, Ida's mother sat with them and they talked a little about +America, Frau Werner exerting herself to give a cheerful tone to the +conversation, and Randall answering her questions absently and without +taking his eyes off Ida, who felt herself beginning to be seized with a +nervous trembling. At last Frau Werner rose and silently left the room, +looking back at them as she closed the door with eyes full of tears. +Then, as if by a common impulse, they rose and put their arms about each +other's necks, and their lips met in a long, shuddering kiss. The breath +came quicker and quicker; sobs broke the kisses; tears poured down +and made them salt and bitter, as parting kisses should be in which +sweetness is mockery. Hitherto they had controlled their feelings, or +rather she had controlled him; but it was no use any longer, for +the time had come, and they abandoned themselves to the terrible +voluptuousness of unrestrained grief, in which there is a strange, +meaningless suggestion of power, as though it might possibly be a force +that could affect or remove its own cause if but wild and strong enough. + +"Herr Randall, the carriage waits and you will lose the train," said +Frau Werner from the door, in a husky voice. + +"I will not go, by God!" he swore, as he felt her clasp convulsively +strengthen at the summons. The lesser must yield to the greater, and +no loss or gain on earth was worth the grief upon her face. His father +might disinherit him, America might sink, but she must smile again. And +she did,--brave, true girl and lover. The devotion his resolute words +proved was like a strong nervine to restore her self-control. She smiled +as well as her trembling lips would let her, and said, as she loosed him +from her arms:-- + +"No, thou must go, Karl. But thou wilt return, _nicht wahr?_" + +I would not venture to say how many times he rushed to the door, and, +glancing back at her as she stood there desolate, followed his glance +once more to her side. Finally, Frau Werner led him as one dazed to the +carriage, and the impatient driver drove off at full speed. + +It is seven years later, and Randall is pacing the deck of an ocean +steamer, outward bound from New York. It is the evening of the first day +out. Here and there passengers are leaning over the bulwarks, pensively +regarding the sinking sun as it sets for the first time between them and +their native land, or maybe taking in with awed faces the wonder of the +deep, which has haunted their imaginations from childhood. Others are +already busily striking up acquaintances with fellow-passengers, and a +bridal pair over yonder sit thrilling with the sense of isolation from +the world that so emphasizes their mutual dependence and all-importance +to each other. And other groups are talking business, and referring to +money and markets in New York, London, and Frankfort as glibly as if +they were on land, much to the secret shock of certain raw tourists, +who marvel at the in-sensitiveness of men who, thus speeding between two +worlds, and freshly in the presence of the most august and awful form +of nature, can keep their minds so steadily fixed upon cash-books and +ledgers. + +But Randall, as, with the habit of an old voyager, he already falls to +pacing the deck, is too much engrossed with his own thoughts to pay much +heed to these things. Only, as he passes a group of Germans, and the +familiar accents of the sweet, homely tongue fall on his ear, he pauses, +and lingers near. + +The darkness gathers, the breeze freshens, the waves come tumbling out +of the east, and the motion of the ship increases as she rears upward to +meet them. The groups on deck are thinning out fast, as the passengers +go below to enjoy the fearsome novelty of the first night at sea, and to +compose themselves to sleep as it were in the hollow of God's hand. But +long into the night Randall's cigar still marks his pacing up and +down as he ponders, with alternations of tender, hopeful glow and sad +foreboding, the chances of his quest. Will he find her? + +It is necessary to go back a little. When Randall reached America on his +return from Germany, he immediately began to sow his wild oats, and gave +his whole mind to it. Answering Ida's letters got to be a bore, and he +gradually ceased doing it. Then came a few sad reproaches from her, and +their correspondence ceased. Meanwhile, having had his youthful fling, +he settled down as a steady young man of business. One day he was +surprised to observe that he had of late insensibly fallen into the +habit of thinking a good deal in a pensive sort of way about Ida and +those German days. The notion occurred to him that he would hunt up her +picture, which he had not thought of in five years. With misty eyes and +crowding memories he pored over it, and a wave of regretful, yearning +tenderness filled his breast. + +Late one night, after long search, he found among his papers a bundle of +her old letters, already growing yellow. Being exceedingly rusty in his +German, he had to study them out word by word. That night, till the sky +grew gray in the east, he sat there turning the pages of the dictionary +with wet eyes and glowing face, and selecting definitions by the test of +the heart. He found that some of these letters he had never before taken +the pains to read through. In the bitterness of his indignation, he +cursed the fool who had thrown away a love so loyal and priceless. + +All this time he had been thinking of Ida as if dead, so far off in +another world did those days seem. It was with extraordinary effect that +the idea finally flashed upon him that she was probably alive, and now +in the prime of her beauty. After a period of feverish and impassioned +excitement, he wrote a letter full of wild regret and beseeching, and +an ineffable tenderness. Then he waited. After a long time it came back +from the German dead-letter office. There was no person of the name at +the address. She had left Bonn, then. Hastily setting his affairs in +order, he sailed for Germany on the next steamer. + +The incidents of the voyage were a blank in his mind. On reaching Bonn, +he went straight from the station to the old house in ------strasse. +As he turned into it from the scarcely less familiar streets leading +thither, and noted each accustomed landmark, he seemed to have just +returned to tea from an afternoon lecture at the university. In every +feature of the street some memory lurked, and, as he passed, threw +out delaying tendrils, clutching at his heart. Rudely he broke away, +hastening on to that house near the end of the street, in each of whose +quaint windows fancy framed the longed-for face. She was not there, +he knew, but for a while he stood on the other side of the street, +unmindful of the stares and jostling of the passers-by, gazing at the +house-front, and letting himself imagine from moment to moment that her +figure might flit across some window, or issue from the door, basket +in hand, for the evening marketing, on which journey he had so often +accompanied her. At length, crossing the street, he inquired for the +Werner family. The present tenants had never heard the name. Perhaps the +tenants from whom they had received the house might be better informed. +Where were they? They had moved to Cologne. He next went to the Bonn +police-office, and from the records kept there, in which pretty much +everything about every citizen is set down, ascertained that several +years previous Herr Werner had died of apoplexy, and that no one of the +name was now resident in the city. Next day he went to Cologne, hunted +up the former tenants of the house, and found that they remembered +quite distinctly the Werner family, and the death of the father and +only breadwinner. It had left the mother and daughter quite without +resources, as Randall had known must probably have been the case. His +informants had heard that they had gone to Dusseldorf. + +His search had become a fever. After waiting seven years, a delay of +ten minutes was unendurable. The trains seemed to creep. And yet, on +reaching Diisseldorf, he did not at once go about his search, but said +to himself:-- + +"Let me not risk the killing of my last hope till I have warmed myself +with it one more night, for to-morrow there may be no more warmth in it." + +He went to a hotel, ordered a room and a bottle of wine, and sat over it +all night, indulging the belief that he would find her the next day. He +denied his imagination nothing, but conjured up before his mind's eye +the lovely vision of her fairest hour, complete even to the turn of +the neck, the ribbon in the hair, and the light in the blue eyes. So he +would turn into the street. Yes, here was the number. Then he rings the +bell. She comes to the door. She regards him a moment indifferently. +Then amazed recognition, love, happiness, transfigure her face. "Ida!" +"Karl!" and he clasps her sobbing to his bosom, from which she shall +never be sundered again. + +The result of his search next day was the discovery that mother and +daughter had been at Diisseldorf until about four years previous, +where the mother had died of consumption, and the daughter had removed, +leaving no address. The lodgings occupied by them were of a wretched +character, showing that their circumstances must have been very much +reduced. + +There was now no further clue to guide his search. It was destined that +the last he was to know of her should be that she was thrown on the +tender mercies of the world,--her last friend gone, her last penny +expended. She was buried out of his sight, not in the peaceful grave, +with its tender associations, but buried alive in the living world; +hopelessly hid in the huge, writhing confusion of humanity. He lingered +in the folly of despair about those sordid lodgings in Diisseldorf, as +one might circle vainly about the spot in the ocean where some pearl of +great price had fallen overboard. + +After a while he roused again, and began putting advertisements for Ida +into the principal newspapers of Germany, and making random visits to +towns all about to consult directories and police records. A singular +sort of misanthropy possessed him. He cursed the multitude of towns and +villages that reduced the chances in his favor to so small a thing. He +cursed the teeming throngs of men, women, and children, in whose mass +she was lost, as a jewel in a mountain of rubbish. Had he possessed the +power, he would in those days, without an instant's hesitation, have +swept the bewildering, obstructing millions of Germany out of existence, +as the miner washes away the earth to bring to light the grain of gold +in his pan. He must have scanned a million women's faces in that weary +search, and the bitterness of that million-fold disappointment left its +trace in a feeling of aversion for the feminine countenance and figure +that he was long in overcoming. + +Knowing that only by some desperate chance he could hope to meet her in +his random wanderings, it seemed to him that he was more likely to be +successful by resigning as far as possible all volition, and leaving +the guidance of the search to chance; as if Fortune were best disposed +toward those who most entirely abdicated intelligence and trusted +themselves to her. He sacredly followed every impulse, never making up +his mind an hour before at what station he should leave the cars, and +turning to the right or left in his wanderings through the streets of +cities, as much as possible without intellectual choice. Sometimes, +waking suddenly in the middle of the night, he would rise, dress with +eager haste, and sally out to wander through the dark streets, thinking +he might be led of Providence to meet her. And, once out, nothing but +utter exhaustion could drive him back; for how could he tell but in +the moment after he had gone, she might pass? He had recourse to every +superstition of sortilege, clairvoyance, presentiment, and dreams. +And all the time his desperation was singularly akin to hope. He dared +revile no seeming failure, not knowing but just that was the necessary +link in the chain of accidents destined to bring him face to face with +her. The darkest hour might usher in the sunburst. The possibility that +this was at last the blessed chance lit up his eyes ten thousand times +as they fell on some new face. + +But at last he found himself back in Bonn, with the feverish infatuation +of the gambler, which had succeeded hope in his mind, succeeded in turn +by utter despair! His sole occupation now was revisiting the spots which +he had frequented with her in that happy year. As one who has lost a +princely fortune sits down at length to enumerate the little items of +property that happen to be attached to his person, disregarded before +but now his all, so Randall counted up like a miser the little store of +memories that were thenceforth to be his all. Wonderfully, the smallest +details of those days came back to him. The very seats they sat in at +public places, the shops they entered together, their promenades and the +pausing-places on them, revived in memory under a concentrated inward +gaze like invisible paintings brought over heat. + +One afternoon, after wandering about the city for some hours, he turned +into a park to rest. As he approached his usual bench, sacred to him +because Ida and he in the old days had often sat there, he was annoyed +to see it already occupied by a pleasant-faced, matronly looking German +woman, who was complacently listening to the chatter of a couple of +small children. Randall threw himself upon the unoccupied end of the +bench, rather hoping that his gloomy and preoccupied air might cause +them to depart and leave him to his melancholy reverie. And, indeed, it +was not long before the children stopped their play and gathered timidly +about their mother, and soon after the bench tilted slightly as she +relieved it of her substantial charms, saying in a cheery, pleasant +voice:-- + +"Come, little ones, the father will be at home before us." + +It was a secluded part of the garden, and the plentiful color left her +cheeks as the odd gentleman at the other end of the bench turned with +a great start at the sound of her voice, and transfixed her with a +questioning look. But in a moment he said:-- + +"Pardon me, madame, a thousand times. The sound of your voice so +reminded me of a friend I have lost that I looked up involuntarily." + +The woman responded with good-natured assurances that he had not at all +alarmed her. Meanwhile Randall had an opportunity to notice that, in +spite of the thick-waisted and generally matronly figure, there were, +now he came to look closely, several rather marked resemblances to Ida. +The eyes were of the same blue tint, though about half as large, the +cheeks being twice as full. In spite of the ugly style of dressing it, +he saw also that the hair was like Ida's; and as for the nose, that +feature which changes least, it might have been taken out of Ida's own +face. As may be supposed, he was thoroughly disgusted to be reminded of +that sweet girlish vision by this broadly moulded, comfortable-looking +matron. His romantic mood was scattered for that evening at least, and +he knew he should not get the prosaic suggestions of the unfortunate +resemblance out of his mind for a week at least. It would torment him as +a humorous association spoils a sacred hymn. + +He bowed with rather an ill grace, and was about to retire, when a +certain peculiar turn of the neck, as the lady acknowledged his salute, +caught his eye and turned him to stone. Good God! this woman was Ida! + +He stood there in a condition of mental paralysis. The whole fabric of +his thinking and feeling for months of intense emotional experience had +instantly been annihilated, and he was left in the midst of a great void +in his consciousness out of touching-reach of anything. There was no +sharp pang, but just a bewildered numbness. A few filaments only of +the romantic feeling for Ida that filled his mind a moment before +still lingered, floating about it, unattached to anything, like vague +neuralgic feelings in an amputated stump, as if to remind him of what +had been there. + +All this was as instantaneous as a galvanic shock the moment he had +recognized--let us not say Ida, but this evidence that she was no +more. It occurred to him that the woman, who stood staring, was in +common politeness entitled to some explanation. He was in just that +state of mind when, the only serious interest having suddenly dropped +out of the life, the minor conventionalities loom up as peculiarly +important and obligatory. + +"You were Fraiilein Ida Werner, and lived at No.-- ------strasse in +1866, _nicht wahr?_" + +He spoke in a cold, dead tone, as if making a necessary but distasteful +explanation to a stranger. + +"Yes, truly," replied the woman curiously; "but my name is now Frau +Stein," glancing at the children, who had been staring open-mouthed at +the queer man. + +"Do you remember Karl Randall? I am he." + +The most formal of old acquaintances could hardly have recalled himself +in a more indifferent manner. + +"_Herr Gott im Himmel!_" exclaimed the woman, with the liveliest +surprise and interest "Karl! Is it possible? Yes, now I recognize you. +Surely! surely!" + +She clapped one hand to her bosom, and dropped on the bench to recover +herself. Fleshy people, overcome by agitation, are rather disagreeable +objects. Randall stood looking at her with a singular expression of +aversion on his listless face. But, after panting a few times, the woman +recovered her vivacity and began to ply him vigorously with exclamations +and questions, beaming the while with delighted interest. He answered +her like a schoolboy, too destitute of presence of mind to do otherwise +than to yield passively to her impulse. But he made no inquiries +whatever of her, and did not distantly allude to the reason of his +presence in Germany. As he stood there looking at her, the real facts +about that matter struck him as so absurd and incredible that he could +not believe them himself. + +Pretty soon he observed that she was becoming a little conscious in her +air, and giving a slightly sentimental turn to the conversation. It was +not for some time that he saw her drift, so utterly without connection +in his mind were Ida and this comfortable matron before him; and when he +did, a smile at the exquisite absurdity of the thing barely twitched the +corners of his mouth, and ended in a sad, puzzled stare that rather put +the other out of countenance. + +But the children had now for some time been whimpering for supper and +home, and at length Frau Stein rose, and, with an urgent request that +Randall should call on her and see her husband, bade him a cordial +adieu. He stood there watching her out of sight, with an unconscious +smile of the most refined and subtle cynicism. Then he sat down and +stared vacantly at the close-cropped grass on the opposite side of the +path. By what handle should he lay hold of his thoughts? + +That woman could not retroact and touch the memory of Ida. That dear +vision remained intact. He drew forth his locket, and opening it gazed +passionately at the fair girlish face, now so hopelessly passed away. By +that blessed picture he could hold her and defy the woman. Remembering +that fat, jolly, comfortable matron, he should not at least ever again +have to reproach himself with his cruel treatment of Ida. And yet why +not? What had the woman to do with her? She had suffered as much as if +the woman had not forgotten it all. His reckoning was with Ida,--was +with her. Where should he find her? In what limbo could he imagine her? +Ah, that was the wildering cruelty of it. She was not this woman, nor +was she dead in any conceivable natural way so that her girlish spirit +might have remained eternally fixed. She was nothing. She was nowhere. +She existed only in this locket, and her only soul was in his heart, far +more surely than in this woman who had forgotten her. + +Death was a hopeful, cheerful state compared to that nameless +nothingness that was her portion. For had she been dead, he could still +have loved her soul; but now she had none. The soul that once she had, +and, if she had then died, might have kept, had been forfeited by living +on, and had passed to this woman, and would from her pass on further +till finally fixed and vested in the decrepitude of age by death. So, +then, it was death and not life that secured the soul, and his sweet +Ida had none because she had not died in time. Ah! had not he heard +somewhere that the soul is immortal and never dies? Where, then, was +Ida's? She had disappeared utterly out of the universe. She had been +transformed, destroyed, swallowed up in this woman, a living sepulchre, +more cruel than the grave, for it devoured the soul as well as the +body. Pah! this prating about immortality was absurd, convicted of +meaninglessness before a tragedy like this; for what was an immortality +worth that was given to her last decrepit phase of life, after all its +beauty and strength and loveliness had passed soulless away? To be aught +but a mockery, immortality must be as manifold as the manifold phases of +life. Since life devours so many souls, why suppose death will spare the +last one? + +But he would contend with destiny. Painters should multiply the face in +his locket. He would immortalize her in a poem. He would constantly keep +the lamp trimmed and burning before her shrine in his heart. She should +live in spite of the woman. + +But he could now never make amends to her for the suffering his cruel, +neglectful youth had caused her. He had scarcely realized before how +much the longing to make good that wrong had influenced bis quest of +her. Tears of remorse for an unatonable crime gathered in his eyes. He +might, indeed, enrich this woman, or educate her children, or pension +her husband; but that would be no atonement to Ida. + +And then, as if to intensify that remorse by showing still more clearly +the impossibility of atonement, it flashed on him that he who loved Ida +was not the one to atone for an offense of which he would be incapable, +which had been committed by one who despised her love. Justice was a +meaningless word, and amends were never possible, nor can men ever make +atonement; for, ere the debt is paid, the atonement made, one who is not +the sufferer stands to receive it; while, on the other hand, the one who +atones is not the offender, but one who comes after him, loathing his +offense and himself incapable of it. The dead must bury their dead. And, +thus pondering from personal to general thoughts, the turmoil of his +feelings gradually calmed, and a restful melancholy, vague and tender, +filled the aching void in his heart. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Lost, by Edward Bellamy + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOST *** + +***** This file should be named 22712.txt or 22712.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/7/1/22712/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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