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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+March 11, 1893, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, March 11, 1893
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 20, 2007  [eBook #22691]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 104, MARCH 11, 1893***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22691-h.htm or 22691-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22691/22691-h/22691-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22691/22691-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 104
+
+MARCH 11, 1893.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+MIXED NOTIONS.
+
+No. VI.--REGISTRATION REFORM.
+
+(_Scene and Persons as Usual._)
+
+_First Well-Informed Man_ (_bristling with indignation, as he lays down his
+newspaper_). Well, I'm dashed!
+
+_Inquirer_ (_nervously_). What's up?
+
+_First W. I. M._ _What's up!_ Everything's up. Up the spout, that's where
+this blessed country will be if this kind of thing's going on.
+
+_Inquirer._ What kind of thing?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Why, all this gerrymandering kind of business.
+
+_Inquirer._ Oh, by the way, that reminds me. I came on that word the other
+day. Can any of you chaps tell me what it means?
+
+_First W. I. M._ It's as plain as a pikestaff. It means playing ducks and
+drakes with things all round, and letting the whole business go thoroughly
+rotten.
+
+_Inquirer._ Has it got anything to do with jerry-builders?
+
+_First W. I. M._ It's the same thing precisely.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_insisting_). But what's the point of calling 'em jerry? Where
+does that come in?
+
+_First W. I. M._ It's a French word.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ It isn't. It's German.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Bosh, it's French.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ I bet you a dollar it's German.
+
+_First W. I. M._ And I bet you a dollar it's French. (_To Average Man._)
+Here, you decide. Which is it?
+
+_Average Man._ Well, I'm sure it isn't French----
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_interrupting_). Of course it isn't. Pay up, my boy!
+
+_Average Man_ (_continuing_). But, on the other hand, it isn't German.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, rot! It must be one or the other, you know.
+(_Scornfully._) You'll be telling us it's Greek next.
+
+_Average Man._ Well, of course, it _might_ be; but, as a matter of fact, I
+fancy it's English.
+
+_First W. I. M._, _Second W. I. M._ (_together_). Oh, you tell that to the
+Marines! It won't wash here.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_doubtfully_). Perhaps it's American.
+
+_Average Man_ (_resignedly_). Well I daresay it is. Any way, you can have
+it so if you like, It may be Sanskrit for all I care.
+
+     [_Retires to his paper. A pause._
+
+_Inquirer_ (_to First W. I. M._). But, look here, what made you lose your
+hair, just now? You looked as angry as blazes about something.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_with dignity_). Did I? Well, isn't it enough to make
+anybody, who loves his country, angry when he sees what's going on. Why,
+the Government's going to turn everything inside out, with some blessed new
+law about elections. Registration Bill, they call it, or something of that
+sort. Just as if we hadn't had enough tinkering and pottering lately. It's
+all through this confounded County Council interfering with everything.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_aggressive_). What the dickens has the County Council
+got to do with it? You're always dropping on the County Council.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, they've got their finger in every pie. I'm pretty
+certain this is their job.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Well, you're wrong this time, that's all. You're thinking
+of the Employers' Liability Bill.
+
+_First W. I. M._ No, I'm not. I never even heard of it. So that's where
+_you're_ wrong. What has the Employers' Liabill got----I mean the
+Employers' (_steadily, and with determination_) Li-a-bil-ity Bill got to do
+with the County Council?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Everything. Didn't you read JOHN BURNS'S speech about it?
+
+_First W. I. M._ No--and I don't mean to. Ask me another.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ All right--I will. Do you mean to deny that our present
+Registration System is a ridiculous one?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_hotly_). Yes, I do.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_with triumph_). Ah, I've got you now. You said, only
+yesterday, that any system by which a Government like this got into power
+must be ridiculous. (_To_ Inquirer.) Didn't he?
+
+_Inquirer_ (_hesitating_). Well, I'm not quite sure. I rather fancy he did
+say something of that kind. But--(_deprecatingly_)--perhaps he meant
+something else.
+
+_First W. I. M._ No, I didn't. I meant what I said--and I stick to it. But
+that isn't the same thing as the Registration System.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Perhaps you'll tell us, then, what the Registration
+System is?
+
+_Inquirer_ (_eagerly_). Yes, do. I should like to get to the bottom of it,
+because I'm constantly meeting a sort of third cousin of mine, who's a
+Registrar of something or other, and I never quite know what he does. All I
+know is, that he isn't a Registrar in Bankruptcy.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Let me see--how can I put it shortly? It's just this--you
+chaps have got votes.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_decisively_). No, I haven't.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_put out_). Ah, but you ought to have.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_cutting in_). There you are again. That's just what
+I've been saying all along. He ought to have--but he hasn't; so where's
+your beautiful system now?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_retreating strategically_). I never said it was
+_perfect_, did I? But I'll come to that afterwards. (_To_ Inquirer.) Now
+why haven't you got a vote?
+
+_Inquirer_ (_with a painful sense of inferiority_). I'm sure I don't know.
+I suppose the old Johnny, whoever he is, didn't chalk me down when he went
+round last time.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Probably you haven't lived in your house long enough. You
+haven't got a qualifying period.
+
+_Inquirer._ Haven't I? How long ought I to have lived there?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_vaguely_). Oh, it's something between three and four
+years. I can't tell you the exact number; they alter it every year.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Who alter it?
+
+_First W. I. M._ The Revising Barristers, or somebody.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Well, my brother-in-law's a Revising Barrister, and I
+never heard of him doing that.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_sarcastic_). But you don't suppose he'd tell _you_
+everything he does, do you?
+
+_Inquirer._ But I've lived in my house six years.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Ah! but aren't you a lodger?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ What's the odds if he is? My brother's a lodger, and I
+know he's got a vote.
+
+_First W. I. M._ But that's a different franchise altogether.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ How do you mean? They're both lodgers.
+
+_First W. I. M._ But they don't live in the same district. Perhaps they
+don't give him a latch-key.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_producing it_). Yes they do. Here it is. (_Chuckles._) I think
+I jolly well see myself without a latch-key. But, I say, about this vote. I
+don't half like not having got one. What shall I do about it?
+
+_First W. I. M._ You'd better see somebody about it.
+
+_Inquirer._ Somebody was talking about Leasehold Franchise the other day.
+Perhaps I could get in on that.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Ah! I daresay that _might_ help you. [_Terminus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NOUS AVONS CHANGÉ TOUT CELA!"
+
+"WERE YOU EVER IN CHICAGO, DUCHESS?"
+
+"WHY YES, LADY MARY. IT'S MY NATIVE PLACE, YOU KNOW--AT LEAST, IT USED TO
+BE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW NOVEL BY Mr. G.--_The Art of Midlothian._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DRESS REHEARSAL OF EMINENT COMEDIANS, GRANDOLPH AND SARUM,
+_Previous to Starring Tour in Scotland and Ireland respectively_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_Time and the Woman._ By RICHARD PRYCE. Not by any means a pearl of Pryce,
+and certainly not likely to make so great noise in the novel-reading world
+as did _The Quiet Mrs. Fleming_, by the same author. METHUEN & CO. publish
+it.
+
+The Baron heartily recommends FRANK BARRETT'S novel, in three vols.,
+entitled, _Kitty's Father_. A thoroughly absorbing plot, well worked out,
+and interesting right up to the last page. _Kitty's_ father is a mysterious
+person, and she, not being a wise child, for she doesn't know him, does
+several foolish things, and says several wise ones. _Kitty's_ uncle is a
+necessary nuisance, but a cleverly and consistently drawn character, while
+_Kitty_ herself is delightfully made out of good home-spun material. But
+the villanous Curate is just a bit too grotesque, too Uriah-Heepish for the
+awfully tragic situation in which he is placed. When the imaginative author
+shifts the scene to Dublin, why did he not represent an Irish
+Cardinal-Archbishop as waiting at the stage-door to escort home the
+light-and-leading lady? But "for a' that and a' that," most decidedly "read
+it," quoth the Baron, and on he goes again.
+
+MARION CRAUFORD'S _Children of the King_, published by MACMILLAN, is a
+tragic story, told in most simple and most fascinating style. It is all
+colour and character: the colours and the characters being those of
+Southern Italy.
+
+Out of regard to the importunities of numerous correspondents, the Baron
+has read IBSEN'S _Master Builder_, translated by two of the Ibsenitish
+cult. "Only fancy!" Of all the weak-knee'd, wandering, effeminate,
+unwholesome, immoral, dashed "rot," to quote _Lord Arthur_ in the
+_Pantomime Rehearsal_, this is the weak-knee'dest, effeminatest, and all
+the epithets as above superlatived. Read it by all means, and see it, too,
+if you will, but if the honest English play-goer's verdict is worth a "big,
+big, D" (I thank thee, W. S. G., for teaching me that abbreviated form of
+dashed expressiveness!) he will give IBSEN'S _Master Builder_ the benefit
+of the "D," and "D" it once and for ever. And that, at your service, my
+masters, is the rough-and-ready opinion expressed by,
+
+Yours truly, THE BARON DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RACY READING OF AN OLD QUOTATION FROM SCOTT.
+
+(_Suggested by Burns._)
+
+  "My foot is on Newmarket Heath!
+  My name, JEM LOWTHER!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The benefits that Sir JOHN LAWES has been able and will yet be able to
+confer on agriculturists everywhere, including those in his immediate
+neighbourhood, cause him to be regarded as a living exception to the rule
+about a prophet in his own country. So, in that part of England, "Profit
+and LAWES" are synonymous terms, meaning the same person.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HAPPINESS IN----FOLKESTONE."
+
+["He said, 'Go and be----' I accordingly went and stayed at Folkestone."
+
+_See last Thursday's "Daily News;" Evidence in the De Walden Case._]
+
+  Thrice happy Town Council! when pestered to pave,
+    Remember this fact that her Ladyship mentions.
+  Intend, but do nothing; your rates you can save
+    By paving your streets with the best of intentions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HITHERTO UNREPORTED.--Mr. GLADSTONE and Mr. ASQUITH received deputations on
+the Eight Hours' Question last Friday. The chief speakers were Mr. PARROT
+and Mr. ONIONS. Mr. G. observed that in all his vast experience, frequently
+as he had tasted a savoury dish of rabbit and onions, yet the combination
+of Parrot with Onions was something really novel. Perhaps Mr. PARROT would
+be useful at any bye-election, and would give them the state of the poll.
+As to Mr. ONIONS, well, he (Mr. G.) hadn't words of welcome sufficiently
+strong for him. Why hadn't he brought "BRER RABBIT" with him? In
+approaching the Eight Hours' Question, no time must be lost, so he would at
+once proceed to business.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FROM OUR VILLAGE.
+
+_Mrs. Sharply_ (_to the Doctor, who has looked in, having heard that her
+"good man" is ailing_). "NO, I THANK YE, SIR. YOU SEE I'VE HEERD OF YOU,
+SIR, AS YOU'VE BEEN 'PRAC_TI_SING' HERE FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS, AND SO
+I'D RATHER YOU WENT 'PRAC_TI_SING' ELSEWHERE, AS I DON'T WANT NO
+_'SPERIMENTS_ ON MY OLD MAN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a recent Monday Pop Concert, Mr. BORWICK put any amount of
+powder--everyone has seen or heard of Borwick's Powder--into his
+performance of "_Suite Anglaise_." As a pretty lady observed, "He might
+just as well, or better, have put the name in English, and called it, '_The
+Sweet English Girl_.'" Messrs. JOACHIM, RIES, STRAUSS, and PIATTI, played a
+string-quartette in C Sharp Minor, and out of respect to the Ecclesiastical
+Season of the year, they gave marked prominence to the "_Lento_" in G.
+Flat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GENUINE BUILDING SOCIETY.--The Birds, just now. And its members are not
+even waiting for a Re-leaf Fund, which will, however, soon come, with "the
+flowers that bloom in the Spring, tra-la!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE G. O. M. FROM A MUSICAL POINT OF VIEW.--When preternaturally alert, he
+is "Mr. G. Sharp." When depressed, he is "Mr. G. Flat." When himself again,
+he is "Mr. G. Natural." As being second son, he is "G. Minor." He is also
+_hors ligne_. But he refuses to be musically translated to the House of
+Lords, and become "The Upper G."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ What is the difference between a lover asking the object of his
+affections to marry him, and a guest who ventures to hint to his host that
+the Pommery '80 is rather corked?
+
+_A._ The one pops the question, the other questions the pop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. R. saw the heading of a paragraph in the _Times_, of Monday. Feb. 27,
+"Jade in Upper Burmah." She laid the paper down, and exclaimed, "Dear me! I
+wonder who she is!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If we ever do adopt Bimetallism, it is evident, from Mr. GLADSTONE'S
+masterly speech, that holders of Consols will obtain very little
+consol-ation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PILL-DOCTOR HERDAL.
+
+(_Translated from the Original Norwegian by Mr. Punch_)
+
+     [PREFATORY NOTE. The original title, _Mester-Pijl-drögster Herdal_,
+     would sound a trifle too uncouth to the Philistine ear, and is
+     therefore modified as above, although the term "drögster," strictly
+     speaking, denotes a practitioner who has not received a regular
+     diploma.]
+
+ACT FIRST.
+
+     _An elegantly furnished Drawing-room at_ Dr. HERDAL'S. _In front, on
+     the left, a Console-table, on which is a large round bottle full of
+     coloured water. On the right a stove, with a banner-screen made out of
+     a richly-embroidered chest-protector. On the stove, a stethoscope and
+     a small galvanic battery. In one corner, a hat and umbrella stand; in
+     another, a desk, at which stands_ SENNA BLAKDRAF, _making out the
+     quarterly accounts. Through a glass-door at the back is seen the
+     Dispensary, where_ RÜBUB KALOMEL _is seated, occupied in rolling a
+     pill. Both go on working in perfect silence for four minutes and a
+     half._
+
+_Dr. Haustus Herdal_ (_enters through hall-door; he is elderly, with a
+plain sensible countenance, but slightly weak hair and expression_). Come
+here, Miss BLAKDRAF. (_Hangs up hat, and throws his mackintosh on a
+divan._) Have you made out all those bills yet? [_Looks sternly at her._
+
+_Senna_ (_in a low hesitating voice_). Almost. I have charged each patient
+with three attendances daily. Even when you only dropped in for a cup of
+tea and a chat. (_Passionately._) I felt I _must_--I _must_!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_alters his tone, clasps her head in his hands, and
+whispers_). I wish you could make out the bills for me, _always_.
+
+_Senna_ (_in nervous exaltation_). How lovely that would be! Oh, you are so
+unspeakably good to me! It is too enthralling to be here!
+
+     [_Sinks down and embraces his knees._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ So I've understood. (_With suppressed irritation._) For
+goodness' sake, let go my legs! I do _wish_ you wouldn't be so confoundedly
+neurotic!
+
+[Illustration: "For goodness' sake, let go my legs!"]
+
+_Rübub_ (_has risen, and comes in through glass-door, breathing with
+difficulty; he is a prematurely bald young man of fifty-five, with a
+harelip and squints slightly_). I beg pardon, Dr. HERDAL, I see I interrupt
+you. (_As SENNA rises._) I have just completed this pill. Have you looked
+at it?
+
+     [_He offers it for inspection diffidently._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_evasively_). It appears to be a pill of the usual dimensions.
+
+_Rübub_ (_cast down_). All these years you have never given me one
+encouraging word! _Can't_ you praise my pill?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_struggles with himself_). I--I cannot. You should not attempt
+to compound pills on your own account.
+
+_Rübub_ (_breathing laboriously_). And yet there was a time when _you_,
+too----
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_complacently_). Yes, it was certainly a pill that came as a
+lucky stepping-stone--but not a pill like that!
+
+_Rübub_ (_vehemently_). Listen! Is that your last word? _Is_ my aged mother
+to pass out of this world without ever knowing whether I am competent to
+construct an effective pill or not?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_as if in desperation_). You had better try it upon your
+mother--it will enable her to form an opinion. Only mind--I will not be
+responsible for the result.
+
+_Rübub._ I understand. Exactly as you tried _your_ pill, all those years
+ago, upon Dr. RYVAL. [_He bows, and goes out._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_uneasily_). He said that so strangely, SENNA. But tell me
+now--when are you going to marry him?
+
+_Senna_ (_starts--half glancing up at him_). I--I don't know. This
+year--next-year--now--_never_! I cannot marry him ... I cannot--I
+_cannot_--it is so utterly impossible to leave you!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Yes, I can understand _that_. But, my poor SENNA, hadn't you
+better take a little walk?
+
+_Senna_ (_clasps her hands gratefully_). How sweet and thoughtful you are
+to me! I _will_ take a walk.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_with a suppressed smile_). Do! And--h'm!--you needn't trouble
+to come back. I have advertised for a male book-keeper--they are less
+emotional. Good-night, my little SENNA!
+
+_Senna_ (_softly, and quiveringly_). Good-night, Dr. HERDAL!
+
+     [_Staggers out of the hall-door, blowing kisses._
+
+_Mrs. Herdal_ (_enters through the window, plaintively_). Quite an
+acquisition for you, HAUSTUS, this Miss BLAKDRAF!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ She's--h'm!--extremely civil and obliging. But I am parting
+with her, ALINE--mainly on _your_ account.
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_evades him_). Was it on my account, indeed, HAUSTUS? You
+have parted with so many young persons on my account--so you tell me!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_depressed_). Oh, but this is hopeless! When I have tried so
+hard to bring a ray of sunlight into your desolate life! I must give RÜBUB
+KALOMEL notice too--his pill is really too preposterous!
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_feels gropingly for a chair, and sits down on the floor_).
+Him, _too_! Ah, HAUSTUS, you will never make my home a real home for me. My
+poor first husband, HALVARD SOLNESS, tried--and _he_ couldn't! When one has
+had such misfortunes as I have--all the family portraits burnt, and the
+silk dresses, too, and a pair of twins, and nine lovely dolls.
+
+     [_Chokes with tears._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_as if to lead her away from the subject_). Yes, yes, yes,
+that must have been a heavy blow for you, my poor ALINE. I can understand
+that your spirits can never be really high again. And then for poor Master
+Builder SOLNESS to be so taken up with that Miss WANGEL as he was--that,
+too, was so wretched for you. To see him topple off the tower, as he did
+that day ten years ago----
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Yes, that too, HAUSTUS. But I did not mind it so much--it all
+seemed so perfectly natural in both of them.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Natural! For a girl of twenty-three to taunt a middle-aged
+architect, whom she knew to be constitutionally liable to giddiness, never
+to let him have any peace till he had climbed a spire as dizzy as
+himself--and all for the fun of seeing him fall off--how in the world----!
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_laying the table for supper with dried fish and punch_). The
+younger generation have a keener sense of humour than we elder ones,
+HAUSTUS, and perhaps, after all, she was only a perplexing sort of
+allegory.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Yes, that would explain her to some extent, no doubt. But how
+_he_ could be such an old fool!
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ That Miss WANGEL was a strangely fascinating type of girl.
+Why, even I myself----
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_sits down and takes some fish_). Fascinating? Well, goodness
+knows, I couldn't see _that_ at all. (_Seriously._) Has it never struck
+you, ALINE, that elderly Norwegians are so deucedly impressionable--mere
+bundles of overstrained nerves, hypersensitive ganglia. Except, of course,
+the Medical Profession.
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Yes, of course; those in that profession are not so inclined
+to gangle. And when one has succeeded by such a stroke of luck as you
+have----
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_drinks a glass of punch_). You're right enough there. If I
+had not been called in to prescribe for Dr. RYVAL, who used to have the
+leading practice here, I should never have stepped so wonderfully into his
+shoes as I did. (_Changes to a tone of quiet chuckling merriment._) Let me
+tell you a funny story, ALINE; it sounds a ludicrous thing--but all my good
+fortune here was based upon a simple little pill. For if Dr. RYVAL had
+never taken it----
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_anxiously_). Then you _do_ think it was the pill that caused
+him to----?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ On the contrary; I am perfectly sure the pill had nothing
+whatever to do with it--the inquest made it quite clear that it was really
+the liniment. But don't you see, ALINE, what tortures me night and day is
+the thought that it _might_ unconsciously have been the pill which----Never
+to be free from _that_! To have such a thought gnawing and burning
+always--always, like a moral mustard poultice! (_He takes more punch._)
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Yes; I suppose there is a poultice of that sort burning on
+every breast--and we must never take it off either--it is our simple duty
+to keep it on. I too, HAUSTUS, am haunted by a fancy that if this Miss
+WANGEL were to ring at our bell now----
+
+_Dr. Herd._ After she has been lost sight of for ten years? She is safe
+enough in some Sanatorium, depend upon it. And what if she _did_ come? Do
+you think, my dear good woman, that I--a sensible clear-headed general
+practitioner, who have found out all I know for myself--would let her play
+the deuce with me as she did with poor HALVARD? No, general practitioners
+don't _do_ such things--even in Norway!
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Don't they indeed, HAUSTUS? (_The Surgery-bell rings loudly._)
+Did you hear _that_? There she is! I will go and put on my best cap. It is
+my duty to show her _that_ small attention.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_laughing nervously_). Why, what on earth!----It's the
+night-bell. It is most probably the new book-keeper! (Mrs. HERDAL _goes
+out_; Dr. HERDAL _rises with difficulty, and opens the door_.) Goodness
+gracious!--it _is_ that girl, after all!
+
+_Hilda Wangel_ (_enters through the Dispensary door. She wears a divided
+skirt, thick boots, and a Tam o'Shanter, with an eagle's wing in it.
+Somewhat freckled. Carries a green tin cylinder slung round her, and a rug
+in a strap. Goes straight up to_ HERDAL, _her eyes sparkling with
+happiness_). How are you? I've run you down, you see! The ten years are up.
+Isn't it scrumptiously thrilling, to see me like this?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_politely retreating_). It is--very much so--but still I don't
+in the least understand----
+
+_Hilda_ (_measures him with a glance_). Oh, you _will_. I have come to be
+of use to you. I've no luggage, and no money. Not that _that_ makes any
+difference. I never _have_. And I've been allured and attracted here. You
+surely know how these things come about? [_Throws her arms round him._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ What the deuce! Miss WANGEL, you _mustn't_. I'm a married man!
+There's my wife! [Mrs. HERD. _enters_.
+
+_Hilda._ As if _that_ mattered--it's only dear, sweet Mrs. SOLNESS. _She_
+doesn't mind--_do_ you, dear Mrs. SOLNESS?
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ It does not seem to be of much _use_ minding, Miss WANGEL. I
+presume you have come to stay?
+
+_Hilda_ (_in amused surprise_). Why, of course--what else should I come
+for? I _always_ come to stay, until--h'm!
+
+     [_Nods slowly, and sits down at table._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_involuntarily_). She's drinking my punch! If she thinks I'm
+going to stand this sort of thing, she's mistaken. I'll soon show her a
+Pill-Doctor is a very different kind of person from a mere Master Builder!
+
+     [HILDA _finishes the punch with an indefinable expression in her eyes,
+     and_ Dr. HERDAL _looks on gloomily as the Curtain falls. End of First
+     Act._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AMONG THE MEMORABLE BOOKS OF THE PRESENT RAINE."--Canon RAINE has just
+published (_per_ LONGMANS) his _York_, as one of the series of Historic
+Towns. The proofs of RAINE on _York_ of course came very moist from the
+press. Is there a frontispiece to it of "RAINE poring over his own book?"
+The work is highly spoken of,--so _disons_, "_Vive le Raine!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. WILSON BARRETT is to appear in a play called _Pharaoh_--"What the
+plague!"--Is he coming out as an Egyptian Mummer? Will the drama prove
+interesting to plague-goers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FULL MEASURE OF JUSTICE.
+
+(_According to the Modern Method._)
+
+     SCENE--_The Old Bailey._ Judge _seated on the Bench, thoroughly
+     enjoying himself_. Prisoner _in the Dock_. Jurymen _in the Box_.
+     Counsel, Solicitors, _and_ Public, _in attendance_.
+
+_Judge._ Now I will swear the Jury.
+
+_Officer of the Court._ I beg your Lordship's pardon, but I have always
+been accustomed to----
+
+_Judge_ (_interrupting_). Not at all; I will do it myself. You can't give
+_me_ too much work. (_Swears the_ Jury.) And now, Prisoner, what do you
+plead, guilty or not guilty?
+
+_Prisoner._ Well, my Lord, I should say----
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Judge._ Not guilty. Quite right, always give yourself the benefit of the
+doubt. You can't imagine what stupid Jurymen we have sometimes. Quite right
+to say Not guilty. And now who appears for the prosecution?
+
+_Counsel._ I do, my Lord, I----
+
+_Judge._ Glad to see the eminent counsel here, and I know of no one who can
+better conduct a case. Still, with my learned friend's or rather my learned
+brother's, I should say the learned Counsel's permission, I will just open
+for the Crown myself. (_Opens for the Crown with brilliant effect.
+Applause._) No; I cannot allow any demonstration of that sort. By the way
+(_to_ Counsel for the Prosecution), Have we any witnesses?
+
+_Counsel._ Yes, my Lord, a Police Sergeant.
+
+_Judge._ Oh, indeed, I will soon settle him. (Witness _enters box and is
+sworn_.) And now, you Sir, I am not going to allow any speeches--so be on
+your guard. (_Examines and cross-examines him._) Have we any more
+witnesses?
+
+_Counsel._ No, my Lord--that is our case.
+
+_Judge._ Quite so. The face of the learned Counsel, who is retained for the
+defence, is new to me, but if he has no objection, I will open for him.
+
+_Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ Thank you. (_Addresses the Jury._) And now, if we have no
+witnesses, I think I will sum up. (_To_ Counsel for the Defence.) Have we
+any witnesses?
+
+_Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ Well, I think we won't call any witnesses, because then the
+Prosecution won't have a reply.
+
+_Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ Quite so. And now, Gentlemen of the Jury, I have now my own
+special functions to perform. I will sum up the case in my judicial
+capacity. You must know then----(_Sums up._) And now I will leave you to
+decide upon your verdict. (_Jury consults._) Or perhaps you would like to
+leave the matter to me?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ Thank you. Then I think we may say "Guilty." Prisoner at the Bar,
+it is now my duty to sentence you. I think, under all the circumstances of
+the case, that I need not treat you too harshly. There is no doubt that the
+prosecution has been conducted in a very able manner; and this remark is
+equally applicable to the manner in which the defence has been carried out.
+I think a month's imprisonment will be sufficient. Prisoner, you are
+sentenced to a month's imprisonment.
+
+_Prisoner._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ But, as I have had a good deal to do with this case, I think I may
+as well remain in it to the end. So, with the consent of the convict, the
+Counsel, and the Jury, I will go to prison myself.
+
+_The Entire Court._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ Thank you all very much. I hope, after a month's retirement, to
+have the pleasure of meeting you again.
+
+     [_Exit, in custody. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR A FEW NIGHTS OHNET.--Mr. and Mrs. KENDAL have revived _The Ironmaster_.
+As may be imagined, the dialogue is full of irony.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD COUNTRY. ST. WYCLIFFE'S COLLEGE, OXBRIDGE.
+
+_Mr. Jonah P. Skeggs, from Chicago (with his family) suddenly bursts on
+Jones, who keeps at Letter A in the Cloisters._
+
+"SIR--WE OFFER YOU--MANY APOLOGIES--FOR THIS--UNWARRANTABLE INTRUSION! WE
+WERE NOT AWARE THE OLD RUIN WAS INHABITED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETWEEN THE ROUNDS.
+
+     ["The record of the Opposition, so far, is one of wasted opportunities
+     and ill-conceived tactics. They have been beaten, out-manoeuvred and
+     discredited by a foe on whom, with proper management, they might often
+     have turned the tables.... These are no days for punctilious or
+     overstrained courtesy in dealing with political opponents....
+     Conservatives and Unionists may be tolerably certain that they will
+     gain nothing by this misplaced delicacy."--_The Standard._]
+
+_Perturbed Old Party loquitur_:--
+
+  Wich, ARTHUR, I'm puffeck aweer as a fighter you're truly tip-top,
+  Our party's pecooliar pride, and our cause's particular prop!
+  _You_ can "pop in a slommacking wunner," if ever a lad could, dear boy:
+  But--well, there, you ain't scored _this_ round; and yer foes is
+          a-chortling with joy!
+  'Ow is it, my ARTHUR, 'ow is it! I've nurriged you up from a kid,
+  And if ever a lathy young scrapper showed pluck and fair promidge, boy,
+          _you_ did;
+  Wich I've cheridged and cracked you up constant, and backed you in all of
+          your fights.
+  And I've swore it was you, right as rain, as would do the Grand Ould 'Un
+          to rights!
+  But he's turned up more younger than ever--O drabbit him; 'ow he do
+          wear!--
+  I thought he'd be knocked out at once, the fust round, and he ain't
+          turned a hair!
+  He hits hard and fast as the "TINMAN," he's nimble as poor "Young
+          DUCROW."
+  And now this round's over, _where are we_? I'm jiggered, dear boy, if _I_
+          know!
+  Look at 'im! As perky as pickles! Weaves in like a young 'un, he do,
+  Jest as limber of limb as a kitten; pops in that perdigious one--two,
+  Like a new Eighty-tonner. Good gracious, the wetterun's all over the
+          shop!
+  He can mill you, or throw you a burster; feint, parry, duck, counter, or
+          stop!
+  Reglar mixture of MACE, Young DUTCH SAM, and a Old Pugilistical 'And!
+  'Ow the dooce does he do it, I wonder? I don't mind admitting it's grand.
+  But--wot price our Party, my ARTHUR? He's scoring two points to our one;
+  And I don't see the fun of it, ARTHUR, I certinly _don't_ see the fun.
+
+  Mustn't take it to heart overmuch, 'ARTY! 'Taint as I wants for to scold;
+  But--you play him too light--_entry noo_! 'Taint acos you are young, and
+          he's old.
+  As you need be so precious "punctilious." Delicate 'andling of _him_
+  Won't pay; it's misplaced altogether. Go at him, lad! Lam the old limb!
+  His bellows can't be as they used to wos. Youth will be served--that's
+          your chance;
+  But, if you play light with Old Shifty, he'll lead you no end of a dance.
+  Think of BENJY, dear boy, my old champion, bless his black curls! _He_
+          wired in,
+  Never thinking of manners or taste, wich is muck when you're fighting to
+          win.
+  Look at GRANDOLPH, the Marlborough Midget, as often reminds me of BEN!
+  There--there! Don't turn touchy, and tiff; we all need a straight tip now
+          and then.
+  You can do him, next round, I've no doubt, if you'll only fight up to
+          your form.
+  Pull yourself well together, 'it 'ard, bustle up the old boy, make it
+          warm!--
+  Remember wot JOHNNY BROOME'S mother once wrote to her boy--mark, and
+          mind!--
+  "Be sure you make use of your left; keep away from your man till you find
+  You can reach him in safety, and _then_--give him pepper. Avoid being
+          thrown.
+  But give 'im all the bursters you can!" Wich that Ammyzon, who is beknown
+  To the fistical world, gave her son--as you're mine--werry proper advice.
+  When time's called, my ARTHUR, wire in; and wotever you do, _don't be
+          nice_!
+  No "overstrained courtesy" _this_ time! It's blessed nigh bunnicked your
+          chance.
+  Let me fan you, dear boy, let me fan you! And when it is time to hadvance
+  Go at 'im for all you are wuth! Bless yer, him and his low Irish lot
+  Won't be in it with GENTLEMAN ARTHUR--_if only you'll give it him hot_!
+
+     [_Left fanning and fuming._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARII JUNIORES.--Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS'S and PETTITT'S _Prodigal
+Daughter_ is going all over the shop. She is coming out in France, in
+Germany, also, of course, in the Horse-tryin' capital, and will appear, as
+a matter-of-Corso, in Rome. This for the original English authors is a
+dramatic triumph which for the universality of their work is second only to
+that of SHAKSPEARE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BETWEEN THE ROUNDS.
+
+PERTURBED OLD PARTY (_loq._) "WHICH, ARTHUR MY DEAR, YOU'VE TREATED HIM TOO
+DELICATE IN FUST ROUND! YOU'LL 'AVE TO PULL YERSELF TOGETHER, IF YOU'RE
+A-GOIN' TO DO ANY GOOD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.
+
+THE MAN THAT SMOKES THE RANK TWO-D CIGAR, OH!
+
+AIR--"_The Man that broke the Bank at Monte Carlo._"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+     [_Pardon, good_ GILBERT, _pardon, genial_ COBORN, _That from the Bois
+     Boolong. Unto the Cockney purlieus of 'Igh 'Olborn, We shift your
+     famous song._]
+
+  I'm just "all there," no 'ARRY; I've the money, so I score!
+    To a Race last week I went,
+    And there staked a quarter's rent.
+  Dame Fortune smiled upon me as she never done before:
+    And now I've copped the ochre I'm a gent!
+    Yus, now I've piled the pieces, I'm a gent!
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+    As I mash and lark in Finsbury Park,
+      With a free an' heasy hair,
+      You can twig the donahs stare.
+      "BOB must be a millionnaire!"
+        You can 'ear 'em cry,
+        "Oh, ain't _'e_ fly?
+    And carn't 'e wink the hother heye?"
+  The man wot smokes the prime Two-D cigar, oh!
+
+  I've chucked my crib, and two-quid-screw, for betting's now _my_ walk;
+      I do my mornin' march
+      Down to the Marble Arch.
+  I'm bound to spot more winners; I've a eye that's like a 'awk;
+      I'm a mass of oof and 'air-oil, shine and starch;
+      Yus, a reg'lar mass of ochre, shine and starch.
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+    As I walk along, still "going strong,"
+      With my Tuppenny all a-flare,
+      You can 'ear old buffers swear,
+      As my baccy scents the air.
+        You can hear 'em sigh,
+        And moan, "Oh my!"
+    You can see 'em choke, and blink the heye
+  At "the man wot smokes the rank Two-D cigar, oh!"
+
+  I paternise the Promenards on a Sunday, with the Swells,
+    With my topper on the skew,
+    And my cloud a-blowin' blue;
+  For a tuppenny smoke and a leary joke they nobble the mam'selles,
+    And if they're nuts on me, wot can _I_ do?
+    Yus, if they're arter me, wot can _I_ do?
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+    As I swagger and swell along Pell-Mell,
+      With a reg'lar oof-bird air,
+      You can 'ear sour swells declare,
+      "A Whitechapel weed!"--and swear.
+        But their narsty cry
+        Means--jealousy.
+    So I puff, and wink the hother heye--
+  "The man wot smokes the rank Two-D Cigar, oh!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nuts for Knutsford.
+
+In the City Article of last Saturday's _Times_, we read that Lord KNUTSFORD
+has joined the London Board of "CHAFFEY, BROS., Limited." What a festive
+board! What a rivalry must exist among the CHAFFEY Brothers as to who shall
+be the chaffiest and the wheatiest of the family!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMEN'S WRONGS IN JAPAN.
+
+     [The new Japanese Press Bill prohibits women from becoming Publishers
+     or Editors.--_Daily Graphic._]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  A Land of flowers and of Art,
+  Which lived for centuries apart,
+  Some years ago woke with a start;
+    Folks, simply dressed by wrappin' knees
+  In silken robes of dainty hue,
+  Began to long for something new
+  The good, the beautiful, the true
+    No longer charmed the Japanese.
+
+  So Western Art improved their lot;
+  A House of Commons grew. Each got
+  Boots, trousers, frock-coat, chimney-pot.
+    "Art? 'E don't care a rap, an' 'e's,"
+  Saus 'ARRY, "sich a swell! I'm blowed
+  'E'd knock 'em in the Old Kent Road."
+  You are a sight, dressed _à la mode_
+    O too-progressive Japanese!
+
+  And yet, to _Madame Chrysanthème_,
+  Divided Skirter, Primrose Dame,
+  And all the rest, are but a name;
+    It therefore cannot happen ease
+  Is yours, although men dress like frights,
+  And even have election fights;
+  One thing is wanting--Women's Rights,
+    O _fin-de-siècle_ Japanese!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COMING COAL-SCUTTLE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Sweet Maiden, what is this you wear,
+    This most eccentric sort of bonnet,
+  That stands erect upon your hair
+    As though a coal-scoop fixed upon it?
+
+  A very funny shape it seems,
+    Flat, oval, rather like a shuttle,
+  Or, like some Statesmen's foreign schemes,
+    A sort of undecided scuttle.
+
+  And yet not wholly of the kind
+    Beloved by loud Salvation lasses,
+  Which brings the coal-box to one's mind--
+    BOOTH'S fashions would not suit the Classes.
+
+  There's some resemblance to a spoon,
+    But you are not considered "spooney"--
+  Word coined by some low buffoon,
+    Romantic, quite, as "_Annie Rooney_."
+
+  It's rather like the ace of spades,
+    And yet it plays the deuce with features,
+  O Queen of hearts, of pretty maids,
+    So say we knaves of clubs, male creatures;
+
+  Who look askance at what may shade--
+    When larger grown--the face that charms us.
+  If scoop or scuttle, spoon or spade,
+    No matter; each of them alarms us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A POSSIBLE BUNGLER.--Through REUTER'S Agency last Friday, we learn that
+"BUNGLE KHAN is in Afghan territory." Capital man to be opposed to us. We
+shall be ready to take any advantage of him, as, if BUNGLE KHAN _can
+bungle_, he will of course do so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE FOR THE OTHER SIDE.--Mrs. R. cannot understand how Mr. GLADSTONE can
+advocate Monometallism in the House of Commons, as, she says, she has
+always heard that "Words are silver, and silence is gold."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EMBARRASSING.
+
+_Curate._ "HELLO, REGIE! AH, IT'S GOOD TO BE YOU! A POOR BEGGAR LIKE ME,
+YOU SEE, HAS TO BE CONTENT WITH RUNNING AFTER THE HOUNDS ON FOOT."
+
+_Regie_ (_who, as the Son of our M.F.H., has all the Hunting-Man's horror
+of Foot-people_). "AH--YES. AND THE PATER SAYS HE WOULDN'T MIND THAT SO
+MUCH, IF ONLY HALF THE PARISH DIDN'T SOMETIMES TURNOUT TO RUN AFTER
+_YOU_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 27._--"Am thinking, TOBY," said RIGBY,
+just now, "of applying for Chiltern Hundreds. Parliament isn't quite the
+place I pictured to myself when I fought for a seat. Of course I've done
+pretty well. To be made SOLICITOR-GENERAL right off, with WADDY around, and
+WILLIS still in prime of life and energy, was a fine thing. But House seems
+perversely inclined to accept me as a joke, and that's not the sort of
+thing I'm accustomed to at Chancery Bar. Look what happened the other
+night, when, in my learned brother RUSSELL'S absence, I answered questions.
+Did it in my best, most imposing, and conclusive style. Kept my eye on
+SPEAKER throughout, to see how he'd take it. Effect most satisfactory. You
+know I make CHITTY sit up, and NORTH tremble. They, to certain extent, used
+to it; all new to SPEAKER, and told accordingly. Was really fascinated
+myself. I frowned at him, pursed my mouth, wrinkled my forehead, squared my
+jaw, sometimes lowered my voice into my boots, anon uplifted it above where
+my wig ought to have been. Being my first appearance at table, thought it
+worth while to make an effort. Judging from SPEAKER'S limp appearance
+towards conclusion of my remarks, felt I had done it. Suddenly curious
+noise, that I'm told is known as a titter, interrupted me, and, before I
+had quite finished, there was a boisterous roar of laughter."
+
+"Oh, come," I said, "you mustn't take that too much to heart. House will
+have its joke, and, if you won't make it, it sometimes makes it round you,
+using you as lay-figure. Your voice and manner in answering simple
+matter-of-fact question, were perhaps a size or so too large. But you'll
+get the hang of the place by-and-by, and will be all right."
+
+"I don't think so," said SOLICITOR-GENERAL, sadly. "Look again what
+happened just now. House unexpectedly goes into Committee. Can't find
+MELLOR. 'You take the Chair,' says the SQUIRE; 'you'll fill it admirably.'
+No time for hesitation; I take the Chair; Clerk claps Bill into my hand. I
+say, 'Question is, that I do report progress, and ask leave to sit again.'
+Shouts of 'Aye,' and 'No.' 'I think the Ayes have it,' I say, in deep
+chest-notes, with persuasive fall of eyebrows. 'The Noes have it!' they
+shout. Very well; first duty of Chairman is to be impartial; so _I_ say,
+'The Noes have it.' Again they roar with laughter. WOODALL, in charge of
+Bill, feels for sword of Financial Secretary to War Office. Fortunately,
+can't find it. Otherwise, Chair of Committees might have been steepled with
+my gore. What shall I do next? 'Put question again,' Clerk hoarsely
+whispered. 'Question is, that I do report progress, and ask leave to sit
+again. Those who are of that opinion say Aye; the contrary, No. I think the
+Ayes have it.' That would at least get me out of the Chair, and you
+certainly won't find me asking for leave to sit again. But what follows? In
+all parts of the House, just now opposing progress, hilarious shout of 'No!
+No!' rises up. That means I'm to go on with the Bill; but I know if I
+declare 'the Noes have it,' they'll turn round to the 'Ayes.' So, after
+standing for moment irresolutely, Bill in hand, I'm not ashamed to say I
+bolted from table, taking Bill with me. House roared louder than ever. Seem
+to have discovered excellent joke. But I don't see it, TOBY. If this is
+House of Commons life, give me the dignity and quiet of the Chancery Bar."
+
+Quite a procession of new Members took their seats on election. Honours of
+the day with HARRY LAWSON, who, after stubborn fight, has won Cirencester.
+As young HARRY, with his beaver on, marched to table, Liberals temporarily
+relieved themselves from imputation that they don't know how to cheer.
+
+_Business done._--Local Veto Bill brought in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: APPLYING FOR THE CHILTERN HUNDREDS.]
+
+_Tuesday Night._--"It's a natural temptation," said CHARLES RUSSELL, "for
+the human mind to believe that Mr. G.'s latest performance at table of
+House of Commons excels all he has done before. There is a phrase--you are
+probably familiar with it in HORACE--which speaks of the _Laudator temporis
+acti_. But the other impulse is certainly, in this connection, quite as
+strong, I, therefore, hesitate to affirm that that's the best speech Mr. G.
+ever made; but certainly it's among the best."
+
+[Illustration: Young Harry obtaining his Majority on Coming of Age in the
+Parliamentary Time.]
+
+It was on Bimetallism. Like olives and claret, Bimetallism quite an
+acquired taste; ordinary Member will have none of it; flees House when
+subject announced. In the Parliamentary world, Bimetallism supplies part of
+the BROWNING or IBSEN cult known out-of-doors. Analogy accurate inasmuch,
+that whilst mass of mankind are averse to contemplation of topic, the few
+faithful pass all ordinary bounds in the enthusiasm of their worship. Thus,
+for upwards of hour to-night, MEYSEY-THOMPSON handled it as if he loved it.
+MONTAGU, whilst musically jingling in trowser-pocket handful of
+newly-minted sovereigns, equally adulatory. Then Mr. G. walked in. It was
+reasonably thought in advance that Bimetallism would prove too much even
+for the charm of his oratory. Had evidently come down unprepared for
+special effort; neither sheaf of notes nor pomatum-pot. He listened to
+mover and seconder, and then just talked to entranced House, crowding up in
+every corner. Quite surprised, as Mr. G. was himself when he sat down, to
+find he'd been talking for an hour.
+
+_Business done._--House declares by 229 votes against 148, will have
+nothing to do with Bimetallism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Wednesday._--Hear a very pleasant thing in connection with an old friend.
+Am told that as soon as Local Veto Bill passes into law, WILFRID LAWSON is
+to be raised to the Peerage.
+
+"Why not?" asks SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. "On the principle that the Devil
+shouldn't have all the good tunes suitable for WESLEY'S hymns, why should
+the Trade have the monopoly of the Peerage? Why shouldn't there be a
+Viscount APPOLINARIS as well as a Baron BASS, a Lord BARLEYWATER to pair
+off with a Baron BARLEYCORN? Let us drink (in toast-and-water), health and
+long life to Lord BARLEYWATER of Brayton!"
+
+_Business done._--In discussion on Irish National Education Bill GRANDOLPH
+effects little surprise. Been running admirably in double harness with
+Prince ARTHUR. This afternoon suddenly jibs; nearly upsets coach.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Friday_, 1 A.M.--"Begin to think, TOBY," said Prince ARTHUR, as we walked
+home together in the moonlight, "that we shall scotch this Home-Rule Bill
+yet. Expectation only just dawned on me. When I went down to House in the
+afternoon, was of different opinion. Had philosophically settled down to
+acceptance of inevitable. Might maim it a bit in Committee; play with it so
+as to block off other business, and send it up to Lords at so late period
+of Session that they would seem justified in throwing it out, on score of
+inadequate time to discuss it. Now I think we shall go one better. COURTNEY
+thought he could serve Unionist cause better from standpoint below Gangway.
+The supremest service he could render to that cause was effected when he
+created vacancy in Chair."
+
+"Don't you think," I said, "they were a little hard on MELLOR? Wasn't the
+sport something after the fashion of the gallant emprise in Windsor Park
+with the carted stag? And then the merry sportsmen didn't give the new
+Chairman the ordinary courtesy of a fair start and a little run."
+
+"Oh," said Prince ARTHUR, "if you put it in that way, of course there's
+something to be said. But all is fair in hate and war. Mr. G. should have
+thought of that before he got rid of COURTNEY. Our business is to stop
+Home-Rule Bill from passing, and after to-night the way is clear, and the
+goal certain."
+
+_Business done._--New Chairman baited for an hour by Westminster Clock.
+Before the lawless, disorderly squabble about Law and Order in County
+Clare, regular foot-ball scrimmage, in which SAUNDERSON naturally turned
+up. In one of the pauses the Colonel dropped into poetry? could hear him
+crooning to himself:--
+
+  There's Justice O'BRIEN of Clare,
+          How rare!
+  'Tis little for justice they care
+          Down there!
+
+  They're choke full of crimes,
+  (So at least says the _Times_),
+  And they've got no policemen to spare,
+          How quare!
+  They've got no policemen to spare.
+
+_Friday Night._--Seems, after all, MELLOR quite right in his ruling
+yesterday. Point was that, on supplementary Estimate, you may not debate
+questions of policy settled when original vote agreed to. Prince ARTHUR
+denounced this as absolutely novel principle. CHAMBERLAIN kept game up from
+other side, and for full hour conviction borne in upon new Chairman that
+life not worth living. SPEAKER, appealed to to-day, declares MELLOR to have
+been in the right. Report of Select Committee on Estimates. Procedure cited
+to show COURTNEY categorically laid down the principle challenged, and
+systematically acted upon it.
+
+[Illustration: Irish National Football Match.]
+
+"Yes," said SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, reflectively stroking his chin, "and
+COURTNEY might have got up and said so last night. Only his fatal
+bashfulness, his irreclaimably retiring disposition, could have kept him
+silent in such circumstances. True, his interposition would have spoiled
+the little game of his friends. It would not have been War, but it would
+have been Magnanimous."
+
+_Business done._--ALBERT ROLLIT, and Ex-Lord Mayor WHITEHEAD, carry
+Resolution declaring Revised Railway Rates prejudicial to commercial
+interests of country.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+104, MARCH 11, 1893***
+
+
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+March 11, 1893, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, March 11, 1893</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Francis Burnand</p>
+<p>Release Date: September 20, 2007  [eBook #22691]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 104, MARCH 11, 1893***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 104.</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<h2>March 11, 1893.</h2>
+
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page109" id="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span>
+
+<h2>MIXED NOTIONS.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">No. VI.&mdash;REGISTRATION REFORM.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Scene and Persons as Usual.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>First Well-Informed Man</i> (<i>bristling with indignation, as he lays
+down his newspaper</i>). Well, I'm dashed!</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>nervously</i>). What's up?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> <i>What's up!</i> Everything's up. Up the spout,
+that's where this blessed country will be if this kind of thing's
+going on.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> What kind of thing?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Why, all this gerrymandering kind of business.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Oh, by the way, that reminds me. I came on that word
+the other day. Can any of you chaps tell me what it means?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> It's as plain as
+a pikestaff. It means playing
+ducks and drakes with things all
+round, and letting the whole
+business go thoroughly rotten.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Has it got anything
+to do with jerry-builders?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> It's the same
+thing precisely.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>insisting</i>). But what's
+the point of calling 'em jerry?
+Where does that come in?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> It's a French
+word.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> It isn't.
+It's German.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Bosh, it's French.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> I bet you a
+dollar it's German.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> And I bet you
+a dollar it's French. (<i>To Average
+Man.</i>) Here, you decide. Which
+is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Average Man.</i> Well, I'm sure
+it isn't French&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>).
+Of course it isn't. Pay up, my boy!</p>
+
+<p><i>Average Man</i> (<i>continuing</i>). But,
+on the other hand, it isn't German.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Oh, rot! It
+must be one or the other, you
+know. (<i>Scornfully.</i>) You'll be
+telling us it's Greek next.</p>
+
+<p><i>Average Man.</i> Well, of course,
+it <i>might</i> be; but, as a matter of
+fact, I fancy it's English.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i>, <i>Second W. I. M.</i>
+(<i>together</i>). Oh, you tell that to the
+Marines! It won't wash here.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>doubtfully</i>). Perhaps
+it's American.</p>
+
+<p><i>Average Man</i> (<i>resignedly</i>).
+Well I daresay it is. Any way,
+you can have it so if you like,
+It may be Sanskrit for all I care.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Retires to his paper. A pause.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>to First W. I. M.</i>).
+But, look here, what made you lose
+your hair, just now? You looked
+as angry as blazes about something.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>with dignity</i>).
+Did I? Well, isn't it enough to
+make anybody, who loves his country,
+angry when he sees what's
+going on. Why, the Government's going to turn everything inside
+out, with some blessed new law about elections. Registration Bill,
+they call it, or something of that sort. Just as if we hadn't had
+enough tinkering and pottering lately. It's all through this confounded
+County Council interfering with everything.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>aggressive</i>). What the dickens has the County
+Council got to do with it? You're always dropping on the County
+Council.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Oh, they've got their finger in every pie. I'm
+pretty certain this is their job.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Well, you're wrong this time, that's all.
+You're thinking of the Employers' Liability Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> No, I'm not. I never even heard of it. So that's
+where <i>you're</i> wrong. What has the Employers' Liabill got&mdash;&mdash;I
+mean the Employers' (<i>steadily, and with determination</i>) Li-a-bil-ity
+Bill got to do with the County Council?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Everything. Didn't you read <span class="sc">John Burns's</span>
+speech about it?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> No&mdash;and I don't mean to. Ask me another.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> All right&mdash;I will. Do you mean to deny that
+our present Registration System is a ridiculous one?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>hotly</i>). Yes, I do.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>with triumph</i>). Ah, I've got you now. You
+said, only yesterday, that any system by which a Government like
+this got into power must be ridiculous. (<i>To</i> Inquirer.) Didn't he?</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>hesitating</i>). Well, I'm not quite sure. I rather fancy he
+did say something of that kind. But&mdash;(<i>deprecatingly</i>)&mdash;perhaps he meant something else.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> No, I didn't. I meant what I said&mdash;and I stick
+to it. But that isn't the same thing as the Registration System.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Perhaps you'll tell us, then, what the Registration
+System is?</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>eagerly</i>). Yes, do. I
+should like to get to the bottom of
+it, because I'm constantly meeting
+a sort of third cousin of mine,
+who's a Registrar of something or
+other, and I never quite know
+what he does. All I know is, that
+he isn't a Registrar in Bankruptcy.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Let me see&mdash;how
+can I put it shortly? It's
+just this&mdash;you chaps have got votes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>decisively</i>). No, I
+haven't.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>put out</i>). Ah,
+but you ought to have.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>cutting in</i>).
+There you are again. That's just
+what I've been saying all along.
+He ought to have&mdash;but he hasn't;
+so where's your beautiful system
+now?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>retreating strategically</i>).
+I never said it was <i>perfect</i>,
+did I? But I'll come to that
+afterwards. (<i>To</i> Inquirer.) Now
+why haven't you got a vote?</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>with a painful sense
+of inferiority</i>). I'm sure I don't
+know. I suppose the old Johnny,
+whoever he is, didn't chalk me
+down when he went round last
+time.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Probably you
+haven't lived in your house long
+enough. You haven't got a
+qualifying period.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Haven't I? How long
+ought I to have lived there?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>vaguely</i>). Oh,
+it's something between three and
+four years. I can't tell you the
+exact number; they alter it every
+year.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Who alter it?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> The Revising
+Barristers, or somebody.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Well, my
+brother-in-law's a Revising Barrister,
+and I never heard of him
+doing that.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>sarcastic</i>). But
+you don't suppose he'd tell <i>you</i>
+everything he does, do you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> But I've lived in my house six years.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Ah! but aren't you a lodger?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> What's the odds if he is? My brother's a
+lodger, and I know he's got a vote.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> But that's a different franchise altogether.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> How do you mean? They're both lodgers.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> But they don't live in the same district. Perhaps
+they don't give him a latch-key.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>producing it</i>). Yes they do. Here it is. (<i>Chuckles</i>.) I think
+I jolly well see myself without a latch-key. But, I say, about this vote.
+I don't half like not having got one. What shall I do about it?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> You'd better see somebody about it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Somebody was talking about Leasehold Franchise the
+other day. Perhaps I could get in on that.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Ah! I daresay that <i>might</i> help you. [<i>Terminus.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/109.png"><img width="100%" src="images/109.png" alt="NOUS AVONS CHANG&Eacute; TOUT CELA!" /></a><h3>"NOUS AVONS CHANG&Eacute; TOUT CELA!"</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Were you ever in Chicago, Duchess?</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Why yes, Lady Mary. It's my Native Place, you know&mdash;at
+least, it used to be!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">New Novel by</span> Mr. G.&mdash;<i>The Art of Midlothian.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page110" id="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:65%;"><a href="images/110.png"><img width="100%" src="images/110.png" alt="DRESS REHEARSAL OF EMINENT COMEDIANS, GRANDOLPH AND SARUM" /></a><h3>DRESS REHEARSAL OF EMINENT COMEDIANS, GRANDOLPH AND SARUM,</h3>
+<p class="center"><i>Previous to Starring Tour in Scotland and Ireland respectively</i>.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page111" id="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span><h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Time and the Woman.</i> By <span class="sc">Richard Pryce</span>. Not by any means
+a pearl of Pryce, and certainly not likely to make so great noise in
+the novel-reading world as did <i>The Quiet Mrs. Fleming</i>, by the
+same author. <span class="sc">Methuen &amp; Co</span>. publish it.</p>
+
+<p>The Baron heartily recommends <span class="sc">Frank Barrett's</span> novel, in three
+vols., entitled, <i>Kitty's Father</i>. A thoroughly absorbing plot, well
+worked out, and interesting right up to the last page. <i>Kitty's</i> father
+is a mysterious person, and she, not being a wise child, for she doesn't
+know him, does several foolish things, and says several wise ones.
+<i>Kitty's</i> uncle is a necessary nuisance, but a cleverly and consistently
+drawn character,
+while <i>Kitty</i> herself is delightfully
+made out of good
+home-spun material. But
+the villanous Curate is
+just a bit too grotesque,
+too Uriah-Heepish for the
+awfully tragic situation in
+which he is placed. When
+the imaginative author
+shifts the scene to Dublin,
+why did he not represent
+an Irish Cardinal-Archbishop
+as waiting at the
+stage-door to escort home
+the light-and-leading lady?
+But "for a' that and a'
+that," most decidedly
+"read it," quoth the
+Baron, and on he goes
+again.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Marion Crauford's</span>
+<i>Children of the King</i>, published
+by <span class="sc">Macmillan</span>, is
+a tragic story, told in
+most simple and most
+fascinating style. It is all
+colour and character: the
+colours and the characters
+being those of Southern
+Italy.</p>
+
+<p>Out of regard to the
+importunities of numerous
+correspondents, the Baron
+has read <span class="sc">Ibsen's</span> <i>Master
+Builder</i>, translated by two
+of the Ibsenitish cult.
+"Only fancy!" Of all
+the weak-knee'd, wandering,
+effeminate, unwholesome,
+immoral, dashed
+"rot," to quote <i>Lord Arthur</i>
+in the <i>Pantomime
+Rehearsal</i>, this is the
+weak-knee'dest, effeminatest,
+and all the epithets
+as above superlatived.
+Read it by all means, and
+see it, too, if you will, but
+if the honest English play-goer's
+verdict is worth a
+"big, big, D" (I thank
+thee, W. S. G., for teaching
+me that abbreviated form
+of dashed expressiveness!)
+he will give <span class="sc">Ibsen's</span> <i>Master
+Builder</i> the benefit of the
+"D," and "D" it once and for ever. And that, at your service,
+my masters, is the rough-and-ready opinion expressed by,</p>
+
+<p class="center">Yours truly,    <span class="sc">The Baron de B.-W.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A RACY READING OF AN OLD QUOTATION FROM SCOTT.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Suggested by Burns.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"My foot is on Newmarket Heath!</p>
+<p>My name, <span class="sc">Jem Lowther</span>!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The benefits that Sir <span class="sc">John Lawes</span> has been able and will yet be
+able to confer on agriculturists everywhere, including those in his
+immediate neighbourhood, cause him to be regarded as a living
+exception to the rule about a prophet in his own country. So, in
+that part of England, "Profit and <span class="sc">Lawes</span>" are synonymous terms,
+meaning the same person.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"HAPPINESS IN&mdash;&mdash;FOLKESTONE."</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>["He said, 'Go and be&mdash;&mdash;' I accordingly went and stayed at Folkestone."</p>
+
+<p><i>See last Thursday's "Daily News;" Evidence in the De Walden Case.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Thrice happy Town Council! when pestered to pave,</p>
+<p class="i2">Remember this fact that her Ladyship mentions.</p>
+<p>Intend, but do nothing; your rates you can save</p>
+<p class="i2">By paving your streets with the best of intentions.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Hitherto Unreported</span>.&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>
+received deputations on the Eight Hours' Question last Friday.
+The chief speakers were Mr. <span class="sc">Parrot</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Onions</span>. Mr. G.
+observed that in all his vast
+experience, frequently as
+he had tasted a savoury
+dish of rabbit and onions,
+yet the combination of
+Parrot with Onions was
+something really novel.
+Perhaps Mr. <span class="sc">Parrot</span> would
+be useful at any bye-election,
+and would give them
+the state of the poll. As
+to Mr. <span class="sc">Onions</span>, well, he
+(Mr. G.) hadn't words of
+welcome sufficiently strong
+for him. Why hadn't he
+brought "<span class="sc">Brer Rabbit</span>"
+with him? In approaching
+the Eight Hours' Question,
+no time must be lost, so he
+would at once proceed to
+business.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/111.png"><img width="100%" src="images/111.png" alt="FROM OUR VILLAGE." /></a><h3>FROM OUR VILLAGE.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Sharply</i> (<i>to the Doctor, who has looked in, having heard that her "good man"
+is ailing</i>). "<span class="sc">No, I thank ye, Sir.  You see I've heerd of you, Sir, as
+you've been 'Prac<i>ti</i>sing' here for the last Three Years, and so I'd
+rather you went 'Prac<i>ti</i>sing' elsewhere, as I don't want no <i>'Speriments</i>
+on my Old Man!"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>At a recent Monday Pop
+Concert, Mr. <span class="sc">Borwick</span> put
+any amount of powder&mdash;everyone
+has seen or heard
+of Borwick's Powder&mdash;into
+his performance of "<i>Suite
+Anglaise</i>. "As a pretty
+lady observed, "He might
+just as well, or better, have
+put the name in English,
+and called it, '<i>The Sweet
+English Girl</i>.'" Messrs.
+<span class="sc">Joachim, Ries, Strauss,</span>
+and <span class="sc">Piatti</span>, played a string-quartette
+in C Sharp Minor,
+and out of respect to the
+Ecclesiastical Season of the
+year, they gave marked
+prominence to the "<i>Lento</i>"
+in G. Flat.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">A Genuine Building
+Society</span>.&mdash;The Birds, just
+now. And its members
+are not even waiting for a
+Re-leaf Fund, which will,
+however, soon come, with
+"the flowers that bloom in
+the Spring, tra-la!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">The G. O. M. from a
+Musical Point of View</span>.&mdash;When
+preternaturally
+alert, he is "Mr. G.
+Sharp." When depressed,
+he is "Mr. G. Flat." When himself again, he is "Mr. G. Natural."
+As being second son, he is "G. Minor." He is also <i>hors ligne</i>.
+But he refuses to be musically translated to the House of Lords,
+and become "The Upper G."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> What is the difference between a lover asking the object of
+his affections to marry him, and a guest who ventures to hint to
+his host that the Pommery '80 is rather corked?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> The one pops the question, the other questions the pop.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Mrs. R. saw the heading of a paragraph in the <i>Times</i>, of Monday.
+Feb. 27, "Jade in Upper Burmah." She laid the paper down, and
+exclaimed, "Dear me! I wonder who she is!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>If we ever do adopt Bimetallism, it is evident, from Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone's</span>
+masterly speech, that holders of Consols will obtain very
+little consol-ation.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page112" id="page112"></a>[pg 112]</span><h2>PILL-DOCTOR HERDAL.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Translated from the Original Norwegian by Mr. Punch</i>)</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<span class="sc">Prefatory Note</span>. The original title, <i>Mester-Pijl-dr&ouml;gster Herdal</i>,
+would sound a trifle too uncouth to the Philistine ear, and is therefore
+modified as above, although the term "dr&ouml;gster," strictly speaking, denotes
+a practitioner who has not received a regular diploma.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="center">ACT FIRST.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>An elegantly furnished Drawing-room at</i> Dr. <span class="sc">Herdal's</span>. <i>In front,
+on the left, a Console-table, on which is a large round bottle full
+of coloured water. On the right a stove, with a banner-screen
+made out of a richly-embroidered chest-protector. On the stove,
+a stethoscope and a small galvanic battery. In one corner, a hat
+and umbrella stand; in another, a desk, at
+which stands</i> <span class="sc">Senna Blakdraf</span>, <i>making
+out the quarterly accounts. Through a
+glass-door at the back is seen the Dispensary,
+where</i> <span class="sc">R&uuml;bub Kalomel</span> <i>is seated,
+occupied in rolling a pill. Both go on
+working in perfect silence for four minutes
+and a half.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Haustus Herdal</i> (<i>enters through hall-door;
+he is elderly, with a plain sensible
+countenance, but slightly weak hair and
+expression</i>). Come here, Miss <span class="sc">Blakdraf</span>.
+(<i>Hangs up hat, and throws his mackintosh
+on a divan.</i>) Have you made out all those
+bills yet?      [<i>Looks sternly at her.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Senna</i> (<i>in a low hesitating voice</i>). Almost.
+I have charged each patient with three attendances
+daily. Even when you only dropped
+in for a cup of tea and a chat. (<i>Passionately.</i>)
+I felt I <i>must</i>&mdash;I <i>must</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>alters his tone, clasps her head
+in his hands, and whispers</i>). I wish you could
+make out the bills for me, <i>always</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Senna</i> (<i>in nervous exaltation</i>). How lovely
+that would be! Oh, you are so unspeakably
+good to me! It is too enthralling to be here!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Sinks down and embraces his knees.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> So I've understood. (<i>With
+suppressed irritation.</i>) For goodness' sake,
+let go my legs! I do <i>wish</i> you wouldn't be
+so confoundedly neurotic!</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/112.png"><img width="100%" src="images/112.png" alt="For goodness' sake, let go my legs!" /></a><h3>"For goodness' sake, let go my legs!"</h3></div>
+
+<p><i>R&uuml;bub</i> (<i>has risen, and comes in through
+glass-door, breathing with difficulty; he is a
+prematurely bald young man of fifty-five,
+with a harelip and squints slightly</i>). I beg
+pardon, Dr. <span class="sc">Herdal</span>, I see I interrupt you.
+(<i>As</i> <span class="sc">Senna</span> <i>rises</i>.) I have just completed
+this pill. Have you looked at it?</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>He offers it for inspection
+diffidently.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>evasively</i>).
+It appears to be a pill of
+the usual dimensions.</p>
+
+<p><i>R&uuml;bub</i> (<i>cast down</i>).
+All these years you have
+never given me one encouraging
+word! <i>Can't</i>
+you praise my pill?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>struggles
+with himself</i>). I&mdash;I
+cannot. You should
+not attempt to compound
+pills on your
+own account.</p>
+
+<p><i>R&uuml;bub</i> (<i>breathing laboriously</i>).
+And yet
+there was a time when
+<i>you</i>, too&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>complacently</i>).
+Yes, it was certainly a pill that came as a lucky stepping-stone&mdash;but
+not a pill like that!</p>
+
+<p><i>R&uuml;bub</i> (<i>vehemently</i>). Listen! Is that your last word? <i>Is</i> my
+aged mother to pass out of this world without ever knowing whether
+I am competent to construct an effective pill or not?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>as if in desperation</i>). You had better try it upon your
+mother&mdash;it will enable her to form an opinion. Only mind&mdash;I will
+not be responsible for the result.</p>
+
+<p><i>R&uuml;bub.</i> I understand. Exactly as you tried <i>your</i> pill, all those
+years ago, upon Dr. <span class="sc">Ryval</span>.      [<i>He bows, and goes out.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>uneasily</i>). He said that so strangely, <span class="sc">Senna</span>. But
+tell me now&mdash;when are you going to marry him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Senna</i> (<i>starts&mdash;half glancing up at him</i>). I&mdash;I don't know. This
+year&mdash;next-year&mdash;now&mdash;<i>never</i>! I cannot marry him ... I cannot&mdash;I
+<i>cannot</i>&mdash;it is so utterly impossible to leave you!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> Yes, I can understand <i>that</i>. But, my poor <span class="sc">Senna</span>,
+hadn't you better take a little walk?</p>
+
+<p><i>Senna</i> (<i>clasps her hands gratefully</i>). How sweet and thoughtful
+you are to me! I <i>will</i> take a walk.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>with a suppressed smile</i>). Do! And&mdash;h'm!&mdash;you
+needn't trouble to come back. I have advertised for a male book-keeper&mdash;they
+are less emotional. Good-night, my little <span class="sc">Senna</span>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Senna</i> (<i>softly, and quiveringly</i>). Good-night, Dr. <span class="sc">Herdal</span>!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Staggers out of the hall-door, blowing kisses.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herdal</i> (<i>enters through the window, plaintively</i>). Quite an
+acquisition for you, <span class="sc">Haustus</span>, this Miss <span class="sc">Blakdraf</span>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> She's&mdash;h'm!&mdash;extremely civil and obliging. But I
+am parting with her,
+<span class="sc">Aline</span>&mdash;mainly on <i>your</i>
+account.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> (<i>evades
+him</i>). Was it on my
+account, indeed, <span class="sc">Haustus</span>?
+You have parted
+with so many young
+persons on my account&mdash;so
+you tell me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>depressed</i>).
+Oh, but this is hopeless!
+When I have tried so
+hard to bring a ray of
+sunlight into your
+desolate life! I must
+give <span class="sc">R&uuml;bub Kalomel</span>
+notice too&mdash;his pill
+is really too preposterous!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> (<i>feels
+gropingly for a chair,
+and sits down on the
+floor</i>). Him, <i>too</i>! Ah,
+<span class="sc">Haustus</span>, you will
+never make my home
+a real home for me.
+My poor first husband,
+<span class="sc">Halvard Solness</span>,
+tried&mdash;and <i>he</i> couldn't!
+When one has had such
+misfortunes as I have&mdash;all
+the family portraits
+burnt, and the
+silk dresses, too, and a
+pair of twins, and nine
+lovely dolls.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Chokes with tears.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>as if to
+lead her away from the
+subject</i>). Yes, yes, yes,
+that must have been a
+heavy blow for you, my
+poor <span class="sc">Aline</span>. I can
+understand that your
+spirits can never be
+really high again. And
+then for poor Master
+Builder <span class="sc">Solness</span> to be
+so taken up with that
+Miss <span class="sc">Wangel</span> as he
+was&mdash;that, too, was
+so wretched for you.
+To see him topple off
+the tower, as he did
+that day ten years
+ago&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> Yes, that
+too, <span class="sc">Haustus</span>. But I
+did not mind it so much&mdash;it all seemed so perfectly natural in both
+of them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> Natural! For a girl of twenty-three to taunt a
+middle-aged architect, whom she knew to be constitutionally liable
+to giddiness, never to let him have any peace till he had climbed a
+spire as dizzy as himself&mdash;and all for the fun of seeing him fall off&mdash;how
+in the world&mdash;&mdash;!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> (<i>laying the table for supper with dried fish and punch</i>).
+The younger generation have a keener sense of humour than we
+elder ones, <span class="sc">Haustus</span>, and perhaps, after all, she was only a perplexing
+sort of allegory.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> Yes, that would explain her to some extent, no doubt.
+But how <i>he</i> could be such an old fool!</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page113" id="page113"></a>[pg 113]</span><p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> That Miss <span class="sc">Wangel</span> was a strangely fascinating type
+of girl. Why, even I myself&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>sits down and takes some fish</i>). Fascinating? Well,
+goodness knows, I couldn't see <i>that</i> at all. (<i>Seriously.</i>) Has it never
+struck you, <span class="sc">Aline</span>, that elderly Norwegians are so deucedly impressionable&mdash;mere
+bundles of overstrained nerves, hypersensitive
+ganglia. Except, of course, the Medical Profession.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> Yes, of course; those in that profession are not so
+inclined to gangle. And when one has succeeded by such a stroke of
+luck as you have&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>drinks a glass of punch</i>). You're right enough there.
+If I had not been called in to prescribe for Dr. <span class="sc">Ryval</span>, who used to
+have the leading practice here, I should never have stepped so
+wonderfully into his shoes as I did. (<i>Changes to a tone of quiet
+chuckling merriment.</i>) Let me tell you a funny story, <span class="sc">Aline</span>; it
+sounds a ludicrous thing&mdash;but all my good fortune here was based
+upon a simple little pill. For if Dr. <span class="sc">Ryval</span> had never taken it&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> (<i>anxiously</i>). Then you <i>do</i> think it was the pill that
+caused him to&mdash;&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> On the contrary; I am perfectly sure the pill had
+nothing whatever to do with it&mdash;the inquest made it quite clear
+that it was really the liniment. But don't you see, <span class="sc">Aline</span>, what
+tortures me night and day is the thought that it <i>might</i> unconsciously
+have been the pill which&mdash;&mdash;Never to be free from <i>that</i>! To have
+such a thought gnawing and burning always&mdash;always, like a moral
+mustard poultice! (<i>He takes more punch.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> Yes; I suppose there is a poultice of that sort burning
+on every breast&mdash;and we must never take it off either&mdash;it is our
+simple duty to keep it on. I too, <span class="sc">Haustus</span>, am haunted by a fancy
+that if this Miss <span class="sc">Wangel</span> were to ring at our bell now&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> After she has been lost sight of for ten years? She is
+safe enough in some Sanatorium, depend upon it. And what if she
+<i>did</i> come? Do you think, my dear good woman, that I&mdash;a sensible
+clear-headed general practitioner, who have found out all I know
+for myself&mdash;would let her play the deuce with me as she did with
+poor <span class="sc">Halvard</span>? No, general practitioners don't <i>do</i> such things&mdash;even
+in Norway!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> Don't they indeed, <span class="sc">Haustus</span>? (<i>The Surgery-bell
+rings loudly.</i>) Did you hear <i>that</i>? There she is! I will go and put
+on my best cap. It is my duty to show her <i>that</i> small attention.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>laughing nervously</i>). Why, what on earth!&mdash;&mdash;It's the
+night-bell. It is most probably the new book-keeper! (Mrs. <span class="sc">Herdal</span>
+<i>goes out</i>; Dr. <span class="sc">Herdal</span> <i>rises with difficulty, and opens the door</i>.)
+Goodness gracious!&mdash;it <i>is</i> that girl, after all!</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda Wangel</i> (<i>enters through the Dispensary door. She wears
+a divided skirt, thick boots, and a Tam o'Shanter, with an eagle's
+wing in it. Somewhat freckled. Carries a green tin cylinder slung
+round her, and a rug in a strap. Goes straight up to</i> <span class="sc">Herdal</span>,
+<i>her eyes sparkling with happiness</i>). How are you? I've run you
+down, you see! The ten years are up. Isn't it scrumptiously
+thrilling, to see me like this?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>politely retreating</i>). It is&mdash;very much so&mdash;but still
+I don't in the least understand&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>measures him with a glance</i>). Oh, you <i>will</i>. I have come
+to be of use to you. I've no luggage, and no money. Not that
+<i>that</i> makes any difference. I never <i>have</i>. And I've been allured
+and attracted here. You surely know how these things come
+about?      [<i>Throws her arms round him.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> What the deuce! Miss <span class="sc">Wangel</span>, you <i>mustn't</i>.  I'm
+a married man! There's my wife!      [Mrs. <span class="sc">Herd.</span> <i>enters</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda.</i> As if <i>that</i> mattered&mdash;it's only dear, sweet Mrs. <span class="sc">Solness</span>.
+<i>She</i> doesn't mind&mdash;<i>do</i> you, dear Mrs. <span class="sc">Solness</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> It does not seem to be of much <i>use</i> minding, Miss
+<span class="sc">Wangel</span>. I presume you have come to stay?</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>in amused surprise</i>). Why, of course&mdash;what else should
+I come for? I <i>always</i> come to stay, until&mdash;h'm!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Nods slowly, and sits down at table.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>involuntarily</i>). She's drinking my punch! If she
+thinks I'm going to stand this sort of thing, she's mistaken. I'll
+soon show her a Pill-Doctor is a very different kind of person from a
+mere Master Builder!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<span class="sc">Hilda</span> <i>finishes the punch with an indefinable expression in
+her eyes, and</i> Dr. <span class="sc">Herdal</span> <i>looks on gloomily as the Curtain
+falls. End of First Act.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Among the Memorable Books of the Present Raine</span>."&mdash;Canon
+<span class="sc">Raine</span> has just published (<i>per</i> <span class="sc">Longmans</span>) his <i>York</i>, as one of
+the series of Historic Towns. The proofs of <span class="sc">Raine</span> on <i>York</i> of course
+came very moist from the press. Is there a frontispiece to it of
+"<span class="sc">Raine</span> poring over his own book?" The work is highly spoken
+of,&mdash;so <i>disons</i>, "<i>Vive le Raine!</i>"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Wilson Barrett</span> is to appear in a play called <i>Pharaoh</i>&mdash;"What
+the plague!"&mdash;Is he coming out as an Egyptian Mummer?
+Will the drama prove interesting to plague-goers?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A FULL MEASURE OF JUSTICE.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>According to the Modern Method.</i>)</p>
+
+<blockquote><p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>The Old Bailey.</i> Judge <i>seated on the Bench, thoroughly
+enjoying himself</i>. Prisoner <i>in the Dock</i>. Jurymen <i>in the Box</i>.
+Counsel, Solicitors, <i>and</i> Public, <i>in attendance</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> Now I will swear the Jury.</p>
+
+<p><i>Officer of the Court.</i> I beg your Lordship's pardon, but I have
+always been accustomed to&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Not at all; I will do it myself. You can't
+give <i>me</i> too much work. (<i>Swears the</i> Jury.) And now, Prisoner,
+what do you plead, guilty or not guilty?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prisoner.</i> Well, my Lord, I should say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/113.png"><img width="100%" src="images/113.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> Not guilty. Quite right, always give yourself the benefit
+of the doubt. You can't imagine what stupid Jurymen we have
+sometimes. Quite right to say Not guilty. And now who appears for
+the prosecution?</p>
+
+<p><i>Counsel.</i> I do, my Lord, I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> Glad to see the eminent counsel here, and I know of no
+one who can better conduct a case. Still, with my learned friend's
+or rather my learned brother's, I should say the learned Counsel's
+permission, I will just open for the Crown myself. (<i>Opens for the
+Crown with brilliant effect. Applause.</i>) No; I cannot allow any
+demonstration of that sort. By the way (<i>to</i> Counsel for the Prosecution),
+Have we any witnesses?</p>
+
+<p><i>Counsel.</i> Yes, my Lord, a Police Sergeant.</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> Oh, indeed, I will soon settle him. (Witness <i>enters box
+and is sworn</i>.) And now, you Sir, I am not going to allow any
+speeches&mdash;so be on your guard. (<i>Examines and cross-examines him.</i>)
+Have we any more witnesses?</p>
+
+<p><i>Counsel.</i> No, my Lord&mdash;that is our case.</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> Quite so. The face of the learned Counsel, who is retained
+for the defence, is new to me, but if he has no objection, I will
+open for him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Counsel.</i> As your Lordship pleases.</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> Thank you. (<i>Addresses the Jury.</i>) And now, if we have
+no witnesses, I think I will sum up. (<i>To</i> Counsel for the Defence.)
+Have we any witnesses?</p>
+
+<p><i>Counsel.</i> As your Lordship pleases.</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> Well, I think we won't call any witnesses, because then
+the Prosecution won't have a reply.</p>
+
+<p><i>Counsel.</i> As your Lordship pleases.</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> Quite so. And now, Gentlemen of the Jury, I have now
+my own special functions to perform. I will sum up the case in my
+judicial capacity. You must know then&mdash;&mdash;(<i>Sums up.</i>) And now
+I will leave you to decide upon your verdict. (<i>Jury consults.</i>)
+Or perhaps you would like to leave the matter to me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Foreman of the Jury.</i> As your Lordship pleases.</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> Thank you. Then I think we may say "Guilty."
+Prisoner at the Bar, it is now my duty to sentence you. I think,
+under all the circumstances of the case, that I need not treat you too
+harshly. There is no doubt that the prosecution has been conducted
+in a very able manner; and this remark is equally applicable to the
+manner in which the defence has been carried out. I think a month's
+imprisonment will be sufficient. Prisoner, you are sentenced to a
+month's imprisonment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prisoner.</i> As your Lordship pleases.</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> But, as I have had a good deal to do with this case, I
+think I may as well remain in it to the end. So, with the consent
+of the convict, the Counsel, and the Jury, I will go to prison myself.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Entire Court.</i> As your Lordship pleases.</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> Thank you all very much. I hope, after a month's
+retirement, to have the pleasure of meeting you again.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Exit, in custody. Curtain.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">For a Few Nights Ohnet</span>.&mdash;Mr. and Mrs. <span class="sc">Kendal</span> have revived
+<i>The Ironmaster</i>. As may be imagined, the dialogue is full of irony.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page114" id="page114"></a>[pg 114]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/114.png"><img width="100%" src="images/114.png" alt="THE OLD COUNTRY. ST. WYCLIFFE'S COLLEGE, OXBRIDGE." /></a><h3>THE OLD COUNTRY. ST. WYCLIFFE'S COLLEGE, OXBRIDGE.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Jonah P. Skeggs, from Chicago (with his family) suddenly bursts on Jones, who keeps at Letter A in the Cloisters.</i></p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Sir&mdash;we offer you&mdash;many Apologies&mdash;for this&mdash;unwarrantable Intrusion!  We were not aware the Old Ruin was
+Inhabited!"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BETWEEN THE ROUNDS.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>["The record of the Opposition, so far, is one of
+wasted opportunities and ill-conceived tactics.
+They have been beaten, out-man&oelig;uvred and
+discredited by a foe on whom, with proper management,
+they might often have turned the tables....
+These are no days for punctilious or overstrained
+courtesy in dealing with political
+opponents.... Conservatives and Unionists may
+be tolerably certain that they will gain nothing
+by this misplaced delicacy."&mdash;<i>The Standard.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Perturbed Old Party loquitur</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Wich, <span class="sc">Arthur</span>, I'm puffeck aweer as a fighter you're truly tip-top,</p>
+<p>Our party's pecooliar pride, and our cause's particular prop!</p>
+<p><i>You</i> can "pop in a slommacking wunner," if ever a lad could, dear boy:</p>
+<p>But&mdash;well, there, you ain't scored <i>this</i> round; and yer foes is a-chortling with joy!</p>
+<p>'Ow is it, my <span class="sc">Arthur</span>, 'ow is it! I've nurriged you up from a kid,</p>
+<p>And if ever a lathy young scrapper showed pluck and fair promidge, boy, <i>you</i> did;</p>
+<p>Wich I've cheridged and cracked you up constant, and backed you in all of your fights.</p>
+<p>And I've swore it was you, right as rain, as would do the Grand Ould 'Un to rights!</p>
+<p>But he's turned up more younger than ever&mdash;O drabbit him; 'ow he do wear!&mdash;</p>
+<p>I thought he'd be knocked out at once, the fust round, and he ain't turned a hair!</p>
+<p>He hits hard and fast as the "<span class="sc">Tinman</span>," he's nimble as poor "Young <span class="sc">Ducrow</span>."</p>
+<p>And now this round's over, <i>where are we</i>? I'm jiggered, dear boy, if <i>I</i> know!</p>
+<p>Look at 'im! As perky as pickles! Weaves in like a young 'un, he do,</p>
+<p>Jest as limber of limb as a kitten; pops in that perdigious one&mdash;two,</p>
+<p>Like a new Eighty-tonner. Good gracious, the wetterun's all over the shop!</p>
+<p>He can mill you, or throw you a burster; feint, parry, duck, counter, or stop!</p>
+<p>Reglar mixture of <span class="sc">Mace</span>, Young <span class="sc">Dutch Sam</span>, and a Old Pugilistical 'And!</p>
+<p>'Ow the dooce does he do it, I wonder? I don't mind admitting it's grand.</p>
+<p>But&mdash;wot price our Party, my <span class="sc">Arthur</span>? He's scoring two points to our one;</p>
+<p>And I don't see the fun of it, <span class="sc">Arthur</span>, I certinly <i>don't</i> see the fun.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Mustn't take it to heart overmuch, '<span class="sc">Arty</span>! 'Taint as I wants for to scold;</p>
+<p>But&mdash;you play him too light&mdash;<i>entry noo</i>! 'Taint acos you are young, and he's old.</p>
+<p>As you need be so precious "punctilious." Delicate 'andling of <i>him</i></p>
+<p>Won't pay; it's misplaced altogether. Go at him, lad! Lam the old limb!</p>
+<p>His bellows can't be as they used to wos. Youth will be served&mdash;that's your chance;</p>
+<p>But, if you play light with Old Shifty, he'll lead you no end of a dance.</p>
+<p>Think of <span class="sc">Benjy</span>, dear boy, my old champion, bless his black curls! <i>He</i> wired in,</p>
+<p>Never thinking of manners or taste, wich is muck when you're fighting to win.</p>
+<p>Look at <span class="sc">Grandolph</span>, the Marlborough Midget, as often reminds me of <span class="sc">Ben</span>!</p>
+<p>There&mdash;there! Don't turn touchy, and tiff; we all need a straight tip now and then.</p>
+<p>You can do him, next round, I've no doubt, if you'll only fight up to your form.</p>
+<p>Pull yourself well together, 'it 'ard, bustle up the old boy, make it warm!&mdash;</p>
+<p>Remember wot <span class="sc">Johnny Broome's</span> mother once wrote to her boy&mdash;mark, and mind!&mdash;</p>
+<p>"Be sure you make use of your left; keep away from your man till you find</p>
+<p>You can reach him in safety, and <i>then</i>&mdash;give him pepper. Avoid being thrown.</p>
+<p>But give 'im all the bursters you can!" Wich that Ammyzon, who is beknown</p>
+<p>To the fistical world, gave her son&mdash;as you're mine&mdash;werry proper advice.</p>
+<p>When time's called, my <span class="sc">Arthur</span>, wire in; and wotever you do, <i>don't be nice</i>!</p>
+<p>No "overstrained courtesy" <i>this</i> time! It's blessed nigh bunnicked your chance.</p>
+<p>Let me fan you, dear boy, let me fan you! And when it is time to hadvance</p>
+<p>Go at 'im for all you are wuth! Bless yer, him and his low Irish lot</p>
+<p>Won't be in it with <span class="sc">Gentleman Arthur</span>&mdash;<i>if only you'll give it him hot</i>!</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Left fanning and fuming.</i></p></blockquote>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Shakspearii Juniores.</span>&mdash;Sir <span class="sc">Augustus
+Harris's</span> and <span class="sc">Pettitt's</span> <i>Prodigal Daughter</i>
+is going all over the shop. She is coming out
+in France, in Germany, also, of course, in
+the Horse-tryin' capital, and will appear, as
+a matter-of-Corso, in Rome. This for the
+original English authors is a dramatic
+triumph which for the universality of their
+work is second only to that of <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page115" id="page115"></a>[pg 115]</span>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/115.png"><img width="100%" src="images/115.png" alt="BETWEEN THE ROUNDS." /></a><h3>BETWEEN THE ROUNDS.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Perturbed Old Party</span> (<i>loq.</i>) "WHICH, ARTHUR MY DEAR, YOU'VE TREATED HIM TOO DELICATE IN FUST ROUND! YOU'LL 'AVE TO PULL
+YERSELF TOGETHER, IF YOU'RE A-GOIN' TO DO ANY GOOD!"</p></div>
+
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page116" id="page116"></a>[pg 116]</span>
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page117" id="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span><h2>POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">THE MAN THAT SMOKES THE RANK TWO-D CIGAR, OH!</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Air</span>&mdash;"<i>The Man that broke the Bank at Monte Carlo.</i>"</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/117a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117a.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<blockquote><p>[<i>Pardon, good</i>
+<span class="sc">Gilbert</span>,
+<i>pardon, genial</i>
+<span class="sc">Coborn</span>,
+<i>That from the
+Bois Boolong.
+Unto the Cockney
+purlieus
+of 'Igh 'Olborn,
+  We shift your
+famous song.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I'm just "all there," no <span class="sc">'Arry</span>;  I've  the money, so I score!</p>
+<p class="i2">To a Race last week I went,</p>
+<p class="i2">And there staked a quarter's rent.</p>
+<p>Dame Fortune smiled upon me as she never done before:</p>
+<p class="i2">And now I've copped the ochre I'm a gent!</p>
+<p class="i2">Yus, now I've piled the pieces, I'm a gent!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+
+<p class="i10"><i>Chorus.</i></p>
+
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+
+<p class="i2">As I mash and lark in Finsbury Park,</p>
+<p class="i4">With a free an' heasy hair,</p>
+<p class="i4">You can twig the donahs stare.</p>
+<p class="i4">"<span class="sc">Bob</span> must be a millionnaire!"</p>
+<p class="i6">You can 'ear 'em cry,</p>
+<p class="i6">"Oh, ain't <i>'e</i> fly?</p>
+<p class="i2">And carn't 'e wink the hother heye?"</p>
+<p>The man wot smokes the prime Two-D cigar, oh!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>I've chucked my crib, and two-quid-screw, for betting's now <i>my</i> walk;</p>
+<p class="i4">I do my mornin' march</p>
+<p class="i4">Down to the Marble Arch.</p>
+<p>I'm bound to spot more winners; I've a eye that's like a 'awk;</p>
+<p class="i4">I'm a mass of oof and 'air-oil, shine and starch;</p>
+<p class="i4">Yus, a reg'lar mass of ochre, shine and starch.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+
+<p class="i10"><i>Chorus.</i></p>
+
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">As I walk along, still "going strong,"</p>
+<p class="i4">With my Tuppenny all a-flare,</p>
+<p class="i4">You can 'ear old buffers swear,</p>
+<p class="i4">As my baccy scents the air.</p>
+<p class="i6">You can hear 'em sigh,</p>
+<p class="i6">And moan, "Oh my!"</p>
+<p class="i2">You can see 'em choke, and blink the heye</p>
+<p>At "the man wot smokes the rank Two-D cigar, oh!"</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>I paternise the Promenards on a Sunday, with the Swells,</p>
+<p class="i2">With my topper on the skew,</p>
+<p class="i2">And my cloud a-blowin' blue;</p>
+<p>For a tuppenny smoke and a leary joke they nobble the mam'selles,</p>
+<p class="i2">And if they're nuts on me, wot can <i>I</i> do?</p>
+<p class="i2">Yus, if they're arter me, wot can <i>I</i> do?</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+
+<p class="i10"><i>Chorus.</i></p>
+
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">As I swagger and swell along Pell-Mell,</p>
+<p class="i4">With a reg'lar oof-bird air,</p>
+<p class="i4">You can 'ear sour swells declare,</p>
+<p class="i4">"A Whitechapel weed!"&mdash;and swear.</p>
+<p class="i6">But their narsty cry</p>
+<p class="i6">Means&mdash;jealousy.</p>
+<p class="i2">So I puff, and wink the hother heye&mdash;</p>
+<p>"The man wot smokes the rank Two-D Cigar, oh!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>Nuts for Knutsford.</h2>
+
+<p>In the City Article of last Saturday's <i>Times</i>,
+we read that Lord <span class="sc">Knutsford</span> has joined the
+London Board of "<span class="sc">Chaffey, Bros</span>., Limited."
+What a festive board! What a rivalry must
+exist among the <span class="sc">Chaffey</span> Brothers as to who
+shall be the chaffiest and the wheatiest of the
+family!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WOMEN'S WRONGS IN JAPAN.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>[The new Japanese Press Bill prohibits women from
+becoming Publishers or Editors.&mdash;<i>Daily Graphic.</i>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:22%;"><a href="images/117b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117b.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A Land of flowers and of Art,</p>
+<p>Which lived for centuries apart,</p>
+<p>Some years ago woke with a start;</p>
+<p class="i2">Folks, simply dressed by wrappin' knees</p>
+<p>In silken robes of dainty hue,</p>
+<p>Began to long for something new</p>
+<p>The good, the beautiful, the true</p>
+<p class="i2">No longer charmed the Japanese.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>So Western Art improved their lot;</p>
+<p>A House of Commons grew. Each got</p>
+<p>Boots, trousers, frock-coat, chimney-pot.</p>
+<p class="i2">"Art? 'E don't care a rap, an' 'e's,"</p>
+<p>Saus <span class="sc">'Arry</span>, "sich a swell! I'm blowed</p>
+<p>'E'd knock 'em in the Old Kent Road."</p>
+<p>You are a sight, dressed <i>&agrave; la mode</i></p>
+<p class="i2">O too-progressive Japanese!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>And yet, to <i>Madame Chrysanth&egrave;me</i>,</p>
+<p>Divided Skirter, Primrose Dame,</p>
+<p>And all the rest, are but a name;</p>
+<p class="i2">It therefore cannot happen ease</p>
+<p>Is yours, although men dress like frights,</p>
+<p>And even have election fights;</p>
+<p>One thing is wanting&mdash;Women's Rights,</p>
+<p class="i2">O <i>fin-de-si&egrave;cle</i> Japanese!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE COMING COAL-SCUTTLE.</h2>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/117c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/117c.png" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Sweet Maiden, what is this you wear,</p>
+<p class="i2">This most eccentric sort of bonnet,</p>
+<p>That stands erect upon your hair</p>
+<p class="i2">As though a coal-scoop fixed upon it?</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>A very funny shape it seems,</p>
+<p class="i2">Flat, oval, rather like a shuttle,</p>
+<p>Or, like some Statesmen's foreign schemes,</p>
+<p class="i2">A sort of undecided scuttle.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>And yet not wholly of the kind</p>
+<p class="i2">Beloved by loud Salvation lasses,</p>
+<p>Which brings the coal-box to one's mind&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Booth's</span> fashions would not suit the Classes.</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>There's some resemblance to a spoon,</p>
+<p class="i2">But you are not considered "spooney"&mdash;</p>
+<p>Word coined by some low buffoon,</p>
+<p class="i2">Romantic, quite, as "<i>Annie Rooney</i>."</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>It's rather like the ace of spades,</p>
+<p class="i2">And yet it plays the deuce with features,</p>
+<p>O Queen of hearts, of pretty maids,</p>
+<p class="i2">So say we knaves of clubs, male creatures;</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>Who look askance at what may shade&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">When larger grown&mdash;the face that charms us.</p>
+<p>If scoop or scuttle, spoon or spade,</p>
+<p class="i2">No matter; each of them alarms us.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">A Possible Bungler</span>.&mdash;Through <span class="sc">Reuter's</span>
+Agency last Friday, we learn that "<span class="sc">Bungle
+Khan</span> is in Afghan territory." Capital man
+to be opposed to us. We shall be ready to
+take any advantage of him, as, if <span class="sc">Bungle
+Khan</span> <i>can bungle</i>, he will of course do so.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">One for the Other Side</span>.&mdash;Mrs. R. cannot
+understand how Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> can
+advocate Monometallism in the House of Commons,
+as, she says, she has always heard that
+"Words are silver, and silence is gold."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page118" id="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span><div class="figcenter" style="width:75%;"><a href="images/118.png"><img width="100%" src="images/118.png" alt="EMBARRASSING." /></a><h3>EMBARRASSING.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Curate.</i> "<span class="sc">Hello, Regie! Ah, it's good to be you! A Poor Beggar like Me, you see, has to be content with Running
+after the Hounds on Foot</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Regie</i> (<i>who, as the Son of our M.F.H., has all the Hunting-Man's horror of Foot-people</i>). "<span class="sc">Ah&mdash;yes.  And the Pater says he
+wouldn't mind that so much, if only half the Parish didn't sometimes turnout to Run after <i>You</i></span>!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p class="center">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, February 27.</i>&mdash;"Am thinking,
+<span class="sc">Toby</span>," said <span class="sc">Rigby</span>, just now, "of applying for Chiltern Hundreds.
+Parliament isn't quite the place I pictured to myself when I fought
+for a seat. Of course I've done pretty well. To be made <span class="sc">Solicitor-General</span>
+right off, with <span class="sc">Waddy</span> around, and <span class="sc">Willis</span> still in prime
+of life and energy, was a fine thing. But House seems perversely
+inclined to accept me as a joke, and that's not the sort of thing I'm
+accustomed to at Chancery Bar. Look what happened the other
+night, when, in my learned brother <span class="sc">Russell's</span> absence, I answered
+questions. Did it in my best, most imposing, and conclusive style.
+Kept my eye on <span class="sc">Speaker</span> throughout, to see how he'd take it.
+Effect most satisfactory. You know I make <span class="sc">Chitty</span> sit up, and
+<span class="sc">North</span> tremble. They, to certain extent, used to it; all new to
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span>, and told accordingly. Was really fascinated myself.
+I frowned at him, pursed my mouth, wrinkled my forehead, squared
+my jaw, sometimes lowered my voice into my boots, anon uplifted it
+above where my wig ought to have been. Being my first appearance
+at table, thought it worth while to make an effort. Judging
+from <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> limp appearance towards conclusion of my remarks,
+felt I had done it. Suddenly curious noise, that I'm told is known as a
+titter, interrupted me, and, before I had quite finished, there was a
+boisterous roar of laughter."</p>
+
+
+<p>"Oh, come," I said, "you mustn't take that too much to heart.
+House will have its joke, and, if you won't make it, it sometimes
+makes it round you, using you as lay-figure. Your voice and
+manner in answering simple matter-of-fact question, were perhaps
+a size or so too large. But you'll get the hang of the place by-and-by,
+and will be all right."</p>
+
+
+<p>"I don't think so," said <span class="sc">Solicitor-General</span>, sadly. "Look
+again what happened just now. House unexpectedly goes into Committee.
+Can't find <span class="sc">Mellor</span>. 'You take the Chair,' says the <span class="sc">Squire</span>;
+'you'll fill it admirably.' No time for hesitation; I take the Chair;
+Clerk claps Bill into my hand. I say, 'Question is, that I do report
+progress, and ask leave to sit again.' Shouts of 'Aye,' and 'No.' 'I
+think the Ayes have it,' I say, in deep chest-notes, with persuasive
+fall of eyebrows. 'The Noes have it!' they shout. Very well; first
+duty of Chairman is to be impartial; so <i>I</i> say, 'The Noes have it.'
+Again they roar with laughter. <span class="sc">Woodall</span>, in charge of Bill, feels
+for sword of Financial Secretary to War Office. Fortunately, can't
+find it. Otherwise, Chair of Committees might have been
+steepled with my gore. What shall I do next? 'Put question
+again,' Clerk hoarsely whispered. 'Question is, that I do report
+progress, and ask leave to sit again. Those who are of that opinion
+say Aye; the contrary, No. I think the Ayes have it.' That would
+at least get me out of the Chair, and you certainly won't find me
+asking for leave to sit again. But what follows? In all parts of
+the House, just now opposing progress, hilarious shout of 'No! No!'
+rises up. That means I'm to go on with the Bill; but I know if I
+declare 'the Noes have it,' they'll turn round to the 'Ayes.' So,
+after standing for moment irresolutely, Bill in hand, I'm not ashamed
+to say I bolted from table, taking Bill with me. House roared louder
+than ever. Seem to have discovered excellent joke. But I don't see
+it, <span class="sc">Toby</span>. If this is House of Commons life, give me the dignity and
+quiet of the Chancery Bar."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/119.png"><img width="100%" src="images/119.png" alt="APPLYING FOR THE CHILTERN HUNDREDS." /></a><h3>APPLYING FOR THE CHILTERN HUNDREDS.</h3></div>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page119" id="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span>
+
+<p>Quite a procession of new Members took their seats on election.
+Honours of the day with <span class="sc">Harry Lawson</span>, who, after stubborn fight,
+has won Cirencester. As young <span class="sc">Harry</span>, with his beaver on, marched
+to table, Liberals temporarily relieved themselves from imputation
+that they don't know how to cheer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Local Veto Bill brought in.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Tuesday Night.</i>&mdash;"It's a natural temptation," said <span class="sc">Charles</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page120" id="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span><span class="sc">Russell</span>, "for the human mind to believe that Mr. G.'s latest performance
+at table of House of Commons excels all he has done
+before. There is a phrase&mdash;you are probably familiar with it in
+<span class="sc">Horace</span>&mdash;which speaks of the <i>Laudator temporis acti</i>. But the other
+impulse is certainly, in this connection, quite as strong, I, therefore,
+hesitate to affirm that that's the best speech Mr. G. ever made; but
+certainly it's among the best."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:40%;"><a href="images/120a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120a.png" alt="Young Harry obtaining his Majority on Coming of Age in the
+Parliamentary Time." /></a><h3>Young Harry obtaining his Majority on Coming of Age in the
+Parliamentary Time.</h3></div>
+
+<p>It was on Bimetallism. Like olives and claret, Bimetallism quite
+an acquired taste; ordinary Member will have none of it; flees
+House when subject announced. In the Parliamentary world,
+Bimetallism supplies part of the <span class="sc">Browning</span> or <span class="sc">Ibsen</span> cult known
+out-of-doors. Analogy accurate
+inasmuch, that whilst mass of mankind
+are averse to contemplation
+of topic, the few faithful pass all
+ordinary bounds in the enthusiasm
+of their worship. Thus, for upwards
+of hour to-night, <span class="sc">Meysey-Thompson</span>
+handled it as if he loved it. <span class="sc">Montagu</span>,
+whilst musically jingling in
+trowser-pocket handful of newly-minted
+sovereigns, equally adulatory.
+Then Mr. G. walked in. It was
+reasonably thought in advance that
+Bimetallism would prove too much
+even for the charm of his oratory.
+Had evidently come down unprepared
+for special effort; neither
+sheaf of notes nor pomatum-pot. He
+listened to mover and seconder, and
+then just talked to entranced House,
+crowding up in every corner. Quite surprised, as Mr. G. was himself
+when he sat down, to find he'd been talking for an hour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;House declares by 229 votes against 148, will
+have nothing to do with Bimetallism.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Hear a very pleasant thing in connection with an
+old friend. Am told that as soon as Local Veto Bill passes into law,
+<span class="sc">Wilfrid Lawson</span> is to be raised to the Peerage.</p>
+
+<p>"Why not?" asks <span class="sc">Squire of Malwood</span>. "On the principle that
+the Devil shouldn't have all the good tunes suitable for <span class="sc">Wesley's</span>
+hymns, why should the Trade have the monopoly of the Peerage?
+Why shouldn't there be a Viscount <span class="sc">Appolinaris</span> as well as a Baron
+<span class="sc">Bass</span>, a Lord <span class="sc">Barleywater</span> to pair off with a Baron <span class="sc">Barleycorn</span>?
+Let us drink (in toast-and-water), health and long life to Lord
+<span class="sc">Barleywater</span> of Brayton!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In discussion on Irish National Education Bill
+<span class="sc">Grandolph</span> effects little surprise. Been running admirably in
+double harness with Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span>. This afternoon suddenly jibs;
+nearly upsets coach.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>Friday</i>, 1 <span class="sc">A.M.</span>&mdash;"Begin to think, <span class="sc">Toby</span>," said Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span>, as
+we walked home together in the moonlight, "that we shall scotch
+this Home-Rule Bill yet. Expectation only just dawned on me.
+When I went down to House in the afternoon, was of different
+opinion. Had philosophically settled down to acceptance of inevitable.
+Might maim it a bit in Committee; play with it so as to
+block off other business, and send it up to Lords at so late period of
+Session that they would seem justified in throwing it out, on score of
+inadequate time to discuss it. Now I think we shall go one better.
+<span class="sc">Courtney</span> thought he could serve Unionist cause better from standpoint
+below Gangway. The supremest service he could render to
+that cause was effected when he created vacancy in Chair."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you think," I said, "they were a little hard on <span class="sc">Mellor</span>?
+Wasn't the sport something after the fashion of the gallant emprise
+in Windsor Park with the carted stag? And then the merry sportsmen
+didn't give the new Chairman the ordinary courtesy of a fair
+start and a little run."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," said Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span>, "if you put it in that way, of course
+there's something to be said. But all is fair in hate and war. Mr.
+G. should have thought of that before he got rid of <span class="sc">Courtney</span>. Our
+business is to stop Home-Rule Bill from passing, and after to-night
+the way is clear, and the goal certain."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;New Chairman baited for an hour by Westminster
+Clock. Before the lawless, disorderly squabble about Law and
+Order in County Clare, regular foot-ball scrimmage, in which
+<span class="sc">Saunderson</span> naturally turned up. In one of the pauses the Colonel
+dropped into poetry? could hear him crooning to himself:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There's Justice <span class="sc">O'Brien</span> of Clare,</p>
+<p class="i10">How rare!</p>
+<p>'Tis little for justice they care</p>
+<p class="i10">Down there!</p>
+</div> <div class="stanza">
+<p>They're choke full of crimes,</p>
+<p>(So at least says the <i>Times</i>),</p>
+<p>And they've got no policemen to spare,</p>
+<p class="i10">How quare!</p>
+<p>They've got no policemen to spare.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><i>Friday Night.</i>&mdash;Seems, after all, <span class="sc">Mellor</span> quite right in his ruling
+yesterday. Point was that, on supplementary Estimate, you may
+not debate questions of policy settled when original vote agreed
+to. Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span> denounced this as absolutely novel principle.
+<span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> kept game up from other side, and for full hour
+conviction borne in upon new Chairman that life not worth
+living. <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, appealed to to-day, declares <span class="sc">Mellor</span> to have
+been in the right. Report of Select Committee on Estimates. Procedure
+cited to show <span class="sc">Courtney</span> categorically laid down the principle
+challenged, and systematically acted upon it.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"><a href="images/120b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/120b.png" alt="Irish National Football Match." /></a><h3>Irish National Football Match.</h3></div>
+
+<p>"Yes," said <span class="sc">Squire of Malwood</span>, reflectively stroking his chin,
+"and <span class="sc">Courtney</span> might have got up and said so last night. Only
+his fatal bashfulness, his irreclaimably retiring disposition, could
+have kept him silent in such circumstances. True, his interposition
+would have spoiled the little game of his friends. It would
+not have been War, but it would have been Magnanimous."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Albert Rollit</span>, and Ex-Lord Mayor <span class="sc">Whitehead</span>,
+carry Resolution declaring Revised Railway Rates prejudicial
+to commercial interests of country.</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 104, MARCH 11, 1893***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 22691-h.txt or 22691-h.zip *******</p>
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+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22691">http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/6/9/22691</a></p>
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+March 11, 1893, by Various, Edited by Francis Burnand
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, March 11, 1893
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 20, 2007  [eBook #22691]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 104, MARCH 11, 1893***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Matt Whittaker, Juliet Sutherland, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 22691-h.htm or 22691-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22691/22691-h/22691-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/9/22691/22691-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 104
+
+MARCH 11, 1893.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+MIXED NOTIONS.
+
+No. VI.--REGISTRATION REFORM.
+
+(_Scene and Persons as Usual._)
+
+_First Well-Informed Man_ (_bristling with indignation, as he lays down his
+newspaper_). Well, I'm dashed!
+
+_Inquirer_ (_nervously_). What's up?
+
+_First W. I. M._ _What's up!_ Everything's up. Up the spout, that's where
+this blessed country will be if this kind of thing's going on.
+
+_Inquirer._ What kind of thing?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Why, all this gerrymandering kind of business.
+
+_Inquirer._ Oh, by the way, that reminds me. I came on that word the other
+day. Can any of you chaps tell me what it means?
+
+_First W. I. M._ It's as plain as a pikestaff. It means playing ducks and
+drakes with things all round, and letting the whole business go thoroughly
+rotten.
+
+_Inquirer._ Has it got anything to do with jerry-builders?
+
+_First W. I. M._ It's the same thing precisely.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_insisting_). But what's the point of calling 'em jerry? Where
+does that come in?
+
+_First W. I. M._ It's a French word.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ It isn't. It's German.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Bosh, it's French.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ I bet you a dollar it's German.
+
+_First W. I. M._ And I bet you a dollar it's French. (_To Average Man._)
+Here, you decide. Which is it?
+
+_Average Man._ Well, I'm sure it isn't French----
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_interrupting_). Of course it isn't. Pay up, my boy!
+
+_Average Man_ (_continuing_). But, on the other hand, it isn't German.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, rot! It must be one or the other, you know.
+(_Scornfully._) You'll be telling us it's Greek next.
+
+_Average Man._ Well, of course, it _might_ be; but, as a matter of fact, I
+fancy it's English.
+
+_First W. I. M._, _Second W. I. M._ (_together_). Oh, you tell that to the
+Marines! It won't wash here.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_doubtfully_). Perhaps it's American.
+
+_Average Man_ (_resignedly_). Well I daresay it is. Any way, you can have
+it so if you like, It may be Sanskrit for all I care.
+
+     [_Retires to his paper. A pause._
+
+_Inquirer_ (_to First W. I. M._). But, look here, what made you lose your
+hair, just now? You looked as angry as blazes about something.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_with dignity_). Did I? Well, isn't it enough to make
+anybody, who loves his country, angry when he sees what's going on. Why,
+the Government's going to turn everything inside out, with some blessed new
+law about elections. Registration Bill, they call it, or something of that
+sort. Just as if we hadn't had enough tinkering and pottering lately. It's
+all through this confounded County Council interfering with everything.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_aggressive_). What the dickens has the County Council
+got to do with it? You're always dropping on the County Council.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, they've got their finger in every pie. I'm pretty
+certain this is their job.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Well, you're wrong this time, that's all. You're thinking
+of the Employers' Liability Bill.
+
+_First W. I. M._ No, I'm not. I never even heard of it. So that's where
+_you're_ wrong. What has the Employers' Liabill got----I mean the
+Employers' (_steadily, and with determination_) Li-a-bil-ity Bill got to do
+with the County Council?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Everything. Didn't you read JOHN BURNS'S speech about it?
+
+_First W. I. M._ No--and I don't mean to. Ask me another.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ All right--I will. Do you mean to deny that our present
+Registration System is a ridiculous one?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_hotly_). Yes, I do.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_with triumph_). Ah, I've got you now. You said, only
+yesterday, that any system by which a Government like this got into power
+must be ridiculous. (_To_ Inquirer.) Didn't he?
+
+_Inquirer_ (_hesitating_). Well, I'm not quite sure. I rather fancy he did
+say something of that kind. But--(_deprecatingly_)--perhaps he meant
+something else.
+
+_First W. I. M._ No, I didn't. I meant what I said--and I stick to it. But
+that isn't the same thing as the Registration System.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Perhaps you'll tell us, then, what the Registration
+System is?
+
+_Inquirer_ (_eagerly_). Yes, do. I should like to get to the bottom of it,
+because I'm constantly meeting a sort of third cousin of mine, who's a
+Registrar of something or other, and I never quite know what he does. All I
+know is, that he isn't a Registrar in Bankruptcy.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Let me see--how can I put it shortly? It's just this--you
+chaps have got votes.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_decisively_). No, I haven't.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_put out_). Ah, but you ought to have.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_cutting in_). There you are again. That's just what
+I've been saying all along. He ought to have--but he hasn't; so where's
+your beautiful system now?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_retreating strategically_). I never said it was
+_perfect_, did I? But I'll come to that afterwards. (_To_ Inquirer.) Now
+why haven't you got a vote?
+
+_Inquirer_ (_with a painful sense of inferiority_). I'm sure I don't know.
+I suppose the old Johnny, whoever he is, didn't chalk me down when he went
+round last time.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Probably you haven't lived in your house long enough. You
+haven't got a qualifying period.
+
+_Inquirer._ Haven't I? How long ought I to have lived there?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_vaguely_). Oh, it's something between three and four
+years. I can't tell you the exact number; they alter it every year.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Who alter it?
+
+_First W. I. M._ The Revising Barristers, or somebody.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Well, my brother-in-law's a Revising Barrister, and I
+never heard of him doing that.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_sarcastic_). But you don't suppose he'd tell _you_
+everything he does, do you?
+
+_Inquirer._ But I've lived in my house six years.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Ah! but aren't you a lodger?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ What's the odds if he is? My brother's a lodger, and I
+know he's got a vote.
+
+_First W. I. M._ But that's a different franchise altogether.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ How do you mean? They're both lodgers.
+
+_First W. I. M._ But they don't live in the same district. Perhaps they
+don't give him a latch-key.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_producing it_). Yes they do. Here it is. (_Chuckles._) I think
+I jolly well see myself without a latch-key. But, I say, about this vote. I
+don't half like not having got one. What shall I do about it?
+
+_First W. I. M._ You'd better see somebody about it.
+
+_Inquirer._ Somebody was talking about Leasehold Franchise the other day.
+Perhaps I could get in on that.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Ah! I daresay that _might_ help you. [_Terminus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NOUS AVONS CHANGE TOUT CELA!"
+
+"WERE YOU EVER IN CHICAGO, DUCHESS?"
+
+"WHY YES, LADY MARY. IT'S MY NATIVE PLACE, YOU KNOW--AT LEAST, IT USED TO
+BE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW NOVEL BY Mr. G.--_The Art of Midlothian._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DRESS REHEARSAL OF EMINENT COMEDIANS, GRANDOLPH AND SARUM,
+_Previous to Starring Tour in Scotland and Ireland respectively_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_Time and the Woman._ By RICHARD PRYCE. Not by any means a pearl of Pryce,
+and certainly not likely to make so great noise in the novel-reading world
+as did _The Quiet Mrs. Fleming_, by the same author. METHUEN & CO. publish
+it.
+
+The Baron heartily recommends FRANK BARRETT'S novel, in three vols.,
+entitled, _Kitty's Father_. A thoroughly absorbing plot, well worked out,
+and interesting right up to the last page. _Kitty's_ father is a mysterious
+person, and she, not being a wise child, for she doesn't know him, does
+several foolish things, and says several wise ones. _Kitty's_ uncle is a
+necessary nuisance, but a cleverly and consistently drawn character, while
+_Kitty_ herself is delightfully made out of good home-spun material. But
+the villanous Curate is just a bit too grotesque, too Uriah-Heepish for the
+awfully tragic situation in which he is placed. When the imaginative author
+shifts the scene to Dublin, why did he not represent an Irish
+Cardinal-Archbishop as waiting at the stage-door to escort home the
+light-and-leading lady? But "for a' that and a' that," most decidedly "read
+it," quoth the Baron, and on he goes again.
+
+MARION CRAUFORD'S _Children of the King_, published by MACMILLAN, is a
+tragic story, told in most simple and most fascinating style. It is all
+colour and character: the colours and the characters being those of
+Southern Italy.
+
+Out of regard to the importunities of numerous correspondents, the Baron
+has read IBSEN'S _Master Builder_, translated by two of the Ibsenitish
+cult. "Only fancy!" Of all the weak-knee'd, wandering, effeminate,
+unwholesome, immoral, dashed "rot," to quote _Lord Arthur_ in the
+_Pantomime Rehearsal_, this is the weak-knee'dest, effeminatest, and all
+the epithets as above superlatived. Read it by all means, and see it, too,
+if you will, but if the honest English play-goer's verdict is worth a "big,
+big, D" (I thank thee, W. S. G., for teaching me that abbreviated form of
+dashed expressiveness!) he will give IBSEN'S _Master Builder_ the benefit
+of the "D," and "D" it once and for ever. And that, at your service, my
+masters, is the rough-and-ready opinion expressed by,
+
+Yours truly, THE BARON DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A RACY READING OF AN OLD QUOTATION FROM SCOTT.
+
+(_Suggested by Burns._)
+
+  "My foot is on Newmarket Heath!
+  My name, JEM LOWTHER!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The benefits that Sir JOHN LAWES has been able and will yet be able to
+confer on agriculturists everywhere, including those in his immediate
+neighbourhood, cause him to be regarded as a living exception to the rule
+about a prophet in his own country. So, in that part of England, "Profit
+and LAWES" are synonymous terms, meaning the same person.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HAPPINESS IN----FOLKESTONE."
+
+["He said, 'Go and be----' I accordingly went and stayed at Folkestone."
+
+_See last Thursday's "Daily News;" Evidence in the De Walden Case._]
+
+  Thrice happy Town Council! when pestered to pave,
+    Remember this fact that her Ladyship mentions.
+  Intend, but do nothing; your rates you can save
+    By paving your streets with the best of intentions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HITHERTO UNREPORTED.--Mr. GLADSTONE and Mr. ASQUITH received deputations on
+the Eight Hours' Question last Friday. The chief speakers were Mr. PARROT
+and Mr. ONIONS. Mr. G. observed that in all his vast experience, frequently
+as he had tasted a savoury dish of rabbit and onions, yet the combination
+of Parrot with Onions was something really novel. Perhaps Mr. PARROT would
+be useful at any bye-election, and would give them the state of the poll.
+As to Mr. ONIONS, well, he (Mr. G.) hadn't words of welcome sufficiently
+strong for him. Why hadn't he brought "BRER RABBIT" with him? In
+approaching the Eight Hours' Question, no time must be lost, so he would at
+once proceed to business.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FROM OUR VILLAGE.
+
+_Mrs. Sharply_ (_to the Doctor, who has looked in, having heard that her
+"good man" is ailing_). "NO, I THANK YE, SIR. YOU SEE I'VE HEERD OF YOU,
+SIR, AS YOU'VE BEEN 'PRAC_TI_SING' HERE FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS, AND SO
+I'D RATHER YOU WENT 'PRAC_TI_SING' ELSEWHERE, AS I DON'T WANT NO
+_'SPERIMENTS_ ON MY OLD MAN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At a recent Monday Pop Concert, Mr. BORWICK put any amount of
+powder--everyone has seen or heard of Borwick's Powder--into his
+performance of "_Suite Anglaise_." As a pretty lady observed, "He might
+just as well, or better, have put the name in English, and called it, '_The
+Sweet English Girl_.'" Messrs. JOACHIM, RIES, STRAUSS, and PIATTI, played a
+string-quartette in C Sharp Minor, and out of respect to the Ecclesiastical
+Season of the year, they gave marked prominence to the "_Lento_" in G.
+Flat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GENUINE BUILDING SOCIETY.--The Birds, just now. And its members are not
+even waiting for a Re-leaf Fund, which will, however, soon come, with "the
+flowers that bloom in the Spring, tra-la!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE G. O. M. FROM A MUSICAL POINT OF VIEW.--When preternaturally alert, he
+is "Mr. G. Sharp." When depressed, he is "Mr. G. Flat." When himself again,
+he is "Mr. G. Natural." As being second son, he is "G. Minor." He is also
+_hors ligne_. But he refuses to be musically translated to the House of
+Lords, and become "The Upper G."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Q._ What is the difference between a lover asking the object of his
+affections to marry him, and a guest who ventures to hint to his host that
+the Pommery '80 is rather corked?
+
+_A._ The one pops the question, the other questions the pop.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. R. saw the heading of a paragraph in the _Times_, of Monday. Feb. 27,
+"Jade in Upper Burmah." She laid the paper down, and exclaimed, "Dear me! I
+wonder who she is!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If we ever do adopt Bimetallism, it is evident, from Mr. GLADSTONE'S
+masterly speech, that holders of Consols will obtain very little
+consol-ation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PILL-DOCTOR HERDAL.
+
+(_Translated from the Original Norwegian by Mr. Punch_)
+
+     [PREFATORY NOTE. The original title, _Mester-Pijl-droegster Herdal_,
+     would sound a trifle too uncouth to the Philistine ear, and is
+     therefore modified as above, although the term "droegster," strictly
+     speaking, denotes a practitioner who has not received a regular
+     diploma.]
+
+ACT FIRST.
+
+     _An elegantly furnished Drawing-room at_ Dr. HERDAL'S. _In front, on
+     the left, a Console-table, on which is a large round bottle full of
+     coloured water. On the right a stove, with a banner-screen made out of
+     a richly-embroidered chest-protector. On the stove, a stethoscope and
+     a small galvanic battery. In one corner, a hat and umbrella stand; in
+     another, a desk, at which stands_ SENNA BLAKDRAF, _making out the
+     quarterly accounts. Through a glass-door at the back is seen the
+     Dispensary, where_ RUeBUB KALOMEL _is seated, occupied in rolling a
+     pill. Both go on working in perfect silence for four minutes and a
+     half._
+
+_Dr. Haustus Herdal_ (_enters through hall-door; he is elderly, with a
+plain sensible countenance, but slightly weak hair and expression_). Come
+here, Miss BLAKDRAF. (_Hangs up hat, and throws his mackintosh on a
+divan._) Have you made out all those bills yet? [_Looks sternly at her._
+
+_Senna_ (_in a low hesitating voice_). Almost. I have charged each patient
+with three attendances daily. Even when you only dropped in for a cup of
+tea and a chat. (_Passionately._) I felt I _must_--I _must_!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_alters his tone, clasps her head in his hands, and
+whispers_). I wish you could make out the bills for me, _always_.
+
+_Senna_ (_in nervous exaltation_). How lovely that would be! Oh, you are so
+unspeakably good to me! It is too enthralling to be here!
+
+     [_Sinks down and embraces his knees._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ So I've understood. (_With suppressed irritation._) For
+goodness' sake, let go my legs! I do _wish_ you wouldn't be so confoundedly
+neurotic!
+
+[Illustration: "For goodness' sake, let go my legs!"]
+
+_Ruebub_ (_has risen, and comes in through glass-door, breathing with
+difficulty; he is a prematurely bald young man of fifty-five, with a
+harelip and squints slightly_). I beg pardon, Dr. HERDAL, I see I interrupt
+you. (_As SENNA rises._) I have just completed this pill. Have you looked
+at it?
+
+     [_He offers it for inspection diffidently._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_evasively_). It appears to be a pill of the usual dimensions.
+
+_Ruebub_ (_cast down_). All these years you have never given me one
+encouraging word! _Can't_ you praise my pill?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_struggles with himself_). I--I cannot. You should not attempt
+to compound pills on your own account.
+
+_Ruebub_ (_breathing laboriously_). And yet there was a time when _you_,
+too----
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_complacently_). Yes, it was certainly a pill that came as a
+lucky stepping-stone--but not a pill like that!
+
+_Ruebub_ (_vehemently_). Listen! Is that your last word? _Is_ my aged mother
+to pass out of this world without ever knowing whether I am competent to
+construct an effective pill or not?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_as if in desperation_). You had better try it upon your
+mother--it will enable her to form an opinion. Only mind--I will not be
+responsible for the result.
+
+_Ruebub._ I understand. Exactly as you tried _your_ pill, all those years
+ago, upon Dr. RYVAL. [_He bows, and goes out._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_uneasily_). He said that so strangely, SENNA. But tell me
+now--when are you going to marry him?
+
+_Senna_ (_starts--half glancing up at him_). I--I don't know. This
+year--next-year--now--_never_! I cannot marry him ... I cannot--I
+_cannot_--it is so utterly impossible to leave you!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Yes, I can understand _that_. But, my poor SENNA, hadn't you
+better take a little walk?
+
+_Senna_ (_clasps her hands gratefully_). How sweet and thoughtful you are
+to me! I _will_ take a walk.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_with a suppressed smile_). Do! And--h'm!--you needn't trouble
+to come back. I have advertised for a male book-keeper--they are less
+emotional. Good-night, my little SENNA!
+
+_Senna_ (_softly, and quiveringly_). Good-night, Dr. HERDAL!
+
+     [_Staggers out of the hall-door, blowing kisses._
+
+_Mrs. Herdal_ (_enters through the window, plaintively_). Quite an
+acquisition for you, HAUSTUS, this Miss BLAKDRAF!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ She's--h'm!--extremely civil and obliging. But I am parting
+with her, ALINE--mainly on _your_ account.
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_evades him_). Was it on my account, indeed, HAUSTUS? You
+have parted with so many young persons on my account--so you tell me!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_depressed_). Oh, but this is hopeless! When I have tried so
+hard to bring a ray of sunlight into your desolate life! I must give RUeBUB
+KALOMEL notice too--his pill is really too preposterous!
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_feels gropingly for a chair, and sits down on the floor_).
+Him, _too_! Ah, HAUSTUS, you will never make my home a real home for me. My
+poor first husband, HALVARD SOLNESS, tried--and _he_ couldn't! When one has
+had such misfortunes as I have--all the family portraits burnt, and the
+silk dresses, too, and a pair of twins, and nine lovely dolls.
+
+     [_Chokes with tears._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_as if to lead her away from the subject_). Yes, yes, yes,
+that must have been a heavy blow for you, my poor ALINE. I can understand
+that your spirits can never be really high again. And then for poor Master
+Builder SOLNESS to be so taken up with that Miss WANGEL as he was--that,
+too, was so wretched for you. To see him topple off the tower, as he did
+that day ten years ago----
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Yes, that too, HAUSTUS. But I did not mind it so much--it all
+seemed so perfectly natural in both of them.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Natural! For a girl of twenty-three to taunt a middle-aged
+architect, whom she knew to be constitutionally liable to giddiness, never
+to let him have any peace till he had climbed a spire as dizzy as
+himself--and all for the fun of seeing him fall off--how in the world----!
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_laying the table for supper with dried fish and punch_). The
+younger generation have a keener sense of humour than we elder ones,
+HAUSTUS, and perhaps, after all, she was only a perplexing sort of
+allegory.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Yes, that would explain her to some extent, no doubt. But how
+_he_ could be such an old fool!
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ That Miss WANGEL was a strangely fascinating type of girl.
+Why, even I myself----
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_sits down and takes some fish_). Fascinating? Well, goodness
+knows, I couldn't see _that_ at all. (_Seriously._) Has it never struck
+you, ALINE, that elderly Norwegians are so deucedly impressionable--mere
+bundles of overstrained nerves, hypersensitive ganglia. Except, of course,
+the Medical Profession.
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Yes, of course; those in that profession are not so inclined
+to gangle. And when one has succeeded by such a stroke of luck as you
+have----
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_drinks a glass of punch_). You're right enough there. If I
+had not been called in to prescribe for Dr. RYVAL, who used to have the
+leading practice here, I should never have stepped so wonderfully into his
+shoes as I did. (_Changes to a tone of quiet chuckling merriment._) Let me
+tell you a funny story, ALINE; it sounds a ludicrous thing--but all my good
+fortune here was based upon a simple little pill. For if Dr. RYVAL had
+never taken it----
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_anxiously_). Then you _do_ think it was the pill that caused
+him to----?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ On the contrary; I am perfectly sure the pill had nothing
+whatever to do with it--the inquest made it quite clear that it was really
+the liniment. But don't you see, ALINE, what tortures me night and day is
+the thought that it _might_ unconsciously have been the pill which----Never
+to be free from _that_! To have such a thought gnawing and burning
+always--always, like a moral mustard poultice! (_He takes more punch._)
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Yes; I suppose there is a poultice of that sort burning on
+every breast--and we must never take it off either--it is our simple duty
+to keep it on. I too, HAUSTUS, am haunted by a fancy that if this Miss
+WANGEL were to ring at our bell now----
+
+_Dr. Herd._ After she has been lost sight of for ten years? She is safe
+enough in some Sanatorium, depend upon it. And what if she _did_ come? Do
+you think, my dear good woman, that I--a sensible clear-headed general
+practitioner, who have found out all I know for myself--would let her play
+the deuce with me as she did with poor HALVARD? No, general practitioners
+don't _do_ such things--even in Norway!
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Don't they indeed, HAUSTUS? (_The Surgery-bell rings loudly._)
+Did you hear _that_? There she is! I will go and put on my best cap. It is
+my duty to show her _that_ small attention.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_laughing nervously_). Why, what on earth!----It's the
+night-bell. It is most probably the new book-keeper! (Mrs. HERDAL _goes
+out_; Dr. HERDAL _rises with difficulty, and opens the door_.) Goodness
+gracious!--it _is_ that girl, after all!
+
+_Hilda Wangel_ (_enters through the Dispensary door. She wears a divided
+skirt, thick boots, and a Tam o'Shanter, with an eagle's wing in it.
+Somewhat freckled. Carries a green tin cylinder slung round her, and a rug
+in a strap. Goes straight up to_ HERDAL, _her eyes sparkling with
+happiness_). How are you? I've run you down, you see! The ten years are up.
+Isn't it scrumptiously thrilling, to see me like this?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_politely retreating_). It is--very much so--but still I don't
+in the least understand----
+
+_Hilda_ (_measures him with a glance_). Oh, you _will_. I have come to be
+of use to you. I've no luggage, and no money. Not that _that_ makes any
+difference. I never _have_. And I've been allured and attracted here. You
+surely know how these things come about? [_Throws her arms round him._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ What the deuce! Miss WANGEL, you _mustn't_. I'm a married man!
+There's my wife! [Mrs. HERD. _enters_.
+
+_Hilda._ As if _that_ mattered--it's only dear, sweet Mrs. SOLNESS. _She_
+doesn't mind--_do_ you, dear Mrs. SOLNESS?
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ It does not seem to be of much _use_ minding, Miss WANGEL. I
+presume you have come to stay?
+
+_Hilda_ (_in amused surprise_). Why, of course--what else should I come
+for? I _always_ come to stay, until--h'm!
+
+     [_Nods slowly, and sits down at table._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_involuntarily_). She's drinking my punch! If she thinks I'm
+going to stand this sort of thing, she's mistaken. I'll soon show her a
+Pill-Doctor is a very different kind of person from a mere Master Builder!
+
+     [HILDA _finishes the punch with an indefinable expression in her eyes,
+     and_ Dr. HERDAL _looks on gloomily as the Curtain falls. End of First
+     Act._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AMONG THE MEMORABLE BOOKS OF THE PRESENT RAINE."--Canon RAINE has just
+published (_per_ LONGMANS) his _York_, as one of the series of Historic
+Towns. The proofs of RAINE on _York_ of course came very moist from the
+press. Is there a frontispiece to it of "RAINE poring over his own book?"
+The work is highly spoken of,--so _disons_, "_Vive le Raine!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. WILSON BARRETT is to appear in a play called _Pharaoh_--"What the
+plague!"--Is he coming out as an Egyptian Mummer? Will the drama prove
+interesting to plague-goers?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FULL MEASURE OF JUSTICE.
+
+(_According to the Modern Method._)
+
+     SCENE--_The Old Bailey._ Judge _seated on the Bench, thoroughly
+     enjoying himself_. Prisoner _in the Dock_. Jurymen _in the Box_.
+     Counsel, Solicitors, _and_ Public, _in attendance_.
+
+_Judge._ Now I will swear the Jury.
+
+_Officer of the Court._ I beg your Lordship's pardon, but I have always
+been accustomed to----
+
+_Judge_ (_interrupting_). Not at all; I will do it myself. You can't give
+_me_ too much work. (_Swears the_ Jury.) And now, Prisoner, what do you
+plead, guilty or not guilty?
+
+_Prisoner._ Well, my Lord, I should say----
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Judge._ Not guilty. Quite right, always give yourself the benefit of the
+doubt. You can't imagine what stupid Jurymen we have sometimes. Quite right
+to say Not guilty. And now who appears for the prosecution?
+
+_Counsel._ I do, my Lord, I----
+
+_Judge._ Glad to see the eminent counsel here, and I know of no one who can
+better conduct a case. Still, with my learned friend's or rather my learned
+brother's, I should say the learned Counsel's permission, I will just open
+for the Crown myself. (_Opens for the Crown with brilliant effect.
+Applause._) No; I cannot allow any demonstration of that sort. By the way
+(_to_ Counsel for the Prosecution), Have we any witnesses?
+
+_Counsel._ Yes, my Lord, a Police Sergeant.
+
+_Judge._ Oh, indeed, I will soon settle him. (Witness _enters box and is
+sworn_.) And now, you Sir, I am not going to allow any speeches--so be on
+your guard. (_Examines and cross-examines him._) Have we any more
+witnesses?
+
+_Counsel._ No, my Lord--that is our case.
+
+_Judge._ Quite so. The face of the learned Counsel, who is retained for the
+defence, is new to me, but if he has no objection, I will open for him.
+
+_Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ Thank you. (_Addresses the Jury._) And now, if we have no
+witnesses, I think I will sum up. (_To_ Counsel for the Defence.) Have we
+any witnesses?
+
+_Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ Well, I think we won't call any witnesses, because then the
+Prosecution won't have a reply.
+
+_Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ Quite so. And now, Gentlemen of the Jury, I have now my own
+special functions to perform. I will sum up the case in my judicial
+capacity. You must know then----(_Sums up._) And now I will leave you to
+decide upon your verdict. (_Jury consults._) Or perhaps you would like to
+leave the matter to me?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ Thank you. Then I think we may say "Guilty." Prisoner at the Bar,
+it is now my duty to sentence you. I think, under all the circumstances of
+the case, that I need not treat you too harshly. There is no doubt that the
+prosecution has been conducted in a very able manner; and this remark is
+equally applicable to the manner in which the defence has been carried out.
+I think a month's imprisonment will be sufficient. Prisoner, you are
+sentenced to a month's imprisonment.
+
+_Prisoner._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ But, as I have had a good deal to do with this case, I think I may
+as well remain in it to the end. So, with the consent of the convict, the
+Counsel, and the Jury, I will go to prison myself.
+
+_The Entire Court._ As your Lordship pleases.
+
+_Judge._ Thank you all very much. I hope, after a month's retirement, to
+have the pleasure of meeting you again.
+
+     [_Exit, in custody. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR A FEW NIGHTS OHNET.--Mr. and Mrs. KENDAL have revived _The Ironmaster_.
+As may be imagined, the dialogue is full of irony.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD COUNTRY. ST. WYCLIFFE'S COLLEGE, OXBRIDGE.
+
+_Mr. Jonah P. Skeggs, from Chicago (with his family) suddenly bursts on
+Jones, who keeps at Letter A in the Cloisters._
+
+"SIR--WE OFFER YOU--MANY APOLOGIES--FOR THIS--UNWARRANTABLE INTRUSION! WE
+WERE NOT AWARE THE OLD RUIN WAS INHABITED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BETWEEN THE ROUNDS.
+
+     ["The record of the Opposition, so far, is one of wasted opportunities
+     and ill-conceived tactics. They have been beaten, out-manoeuvred and
+     discredited by a foe on whom, with proper management, they might often
+     have turned the tables.... These are no days for punctilious or
+     overstrained courtesy in dealing with political opponents....
+     Conservatives and Unionists may be tolerably certain that they will
+     gain nothing by this misplaced delicacy."--_The Standard._]
+
+_Perturbed Old Party loquitur_:--
+
+  Wich, ARTHUR, I'm puffeck aweer as a fighter you're truly tip-top,
+  Our party's pecooliar pride, and our cause's particular prop!
+  _You_ can "pop in a slommacking wunner," if ever a lad could, dear boy:
+  But--well, there, you ain't scored _this_ round; and yer foes is
+          a-chortling with joy!
+  'Ow is it, my ARTHUR, 'ow is it! I've nurriged you up from a kid,
+  And if ever a lathy young scrapper showed pluck and fair promidge, boy,
+          _you_ did;
+  Wich I've cheridged and cracked you up constant, and backed you in all of
+          your fights.
+  And I've swore it was you, right as rain, as would do the Grand Ould 'Un
+          to rights!
+  But he's turned up more younger than ever--O drabbit him; 'ow he do
+          wear!--
+  I thought he'd be knocked out at once, the fust round, and he ain't
+          turned a hair!
+  He hits hard and fast as the "TINMAN," he's nimble as poor "Young
+          DUCROW."
+  And now this round's over, _where are we_? I'm jiggered, dear boy, if _I_
+          know!
+  Look at 'im! As perky as pickles! Weaves in like a young 'un, he do,
+  Jest as limber of limb as a kitten; pops in that perdigious one--two,
+  Like a new Eighty-tonner. Good gracious, the wetterun's all over the
+          shop!
+  He can mill you, or throw you a burster; feint, parry, duck, counter, or
+          stop!
+  Reglar mixture of MACE, Young DUTCH SAM, and a Old Pugilistical 'And!
+  'Ow the dooce does he do it, I wonder? I don't mind admitting it's grand.
+  But--wot price our Party, my ARTHUR? He's scoring two points to our one;
+  And I don't see the fun of it, ARTHUR, I certinly _don't_ see the fun.
+
+  Mustn't take it to heart overmuch, 'ARTY! 'Taint as I wants for to scold;
+  But--you play him too light--_entry noo_! 'Taint acos you are young, and
+          he's old.
+  As you need be so precious "punctilious." Delicate 'andling of _him_
+  Won't pay; it's misplaced altogether. Go at him, lad! Lam the old limb!
+  His bellows can't be as they used to wos. Youth will be served--that's
+          your chance;
+  But, if you play light with Old Shifty, he'll lead you no end of a dance.
+  Think of BENJY, dear boy, my old champion, bless his black curls! _He_
+          wired in,
+  Never thinking of manners or taste, wich is muck when you're fighting to
+          win.
+  Look at GRANDOLPH, the Marlborough Midget, as often reminds me of BEN!
+  There--there! Don't turn touchy, and tiff; we all need a straight tip now
+          and then.
+  You can do him, next round, I've no doubt, if you'll only fight up to
+          your form.
+  Pull yourself well together, 'it 'ard, bustle up the old boy, make it
+          warm!--
+  Remember wot JOHNNY BROOME'S mother once wrote to her boy--mark, and
+          mind!--
+  "Be sure you make use of your left; keep away from your man till you find
+  You can reach him in safety, and _then_--give him pepper. Avoid being
+          thrown.
+  But give 'im all the bursters you can!" Wich that Ammyzon, who is beknown
+  To the fistical world, gave her son--as you're mine--werry proper advice.
+  When time's called, my ARTHUR, wire in; and wotever you do, _don't be
+          nice_!
+  No "overstrained courtesy" _this_ time! It's blessed nigh bunnicked your
+          chance.
+  Let me fan you, dear boy, let me fan you! And when it is time to hadvance
+  Go at 'im for all you are wuth! Bless yer, him and his low Irish lot
+  Won't be in it with GENTLEMAN ARTHUR--_if only you'll give it him hot_!
+
+     [_Left fanning and fuming._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARII JUNIORES.--Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS'S and PETTITT'S _Prodigal
+Daughter_ is going all over the shop. She is coming out in France, in
+Germany, also, of course, in the Horse-tryin' capital, and will appear, as
+a matter-of-Corso, in Rome. This for the original English authors is a
+dramatic triumph which for the universality of their work is second only to
+that of SHAKSPEARE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BETWEEN THE ROUNDS.
+
+PERTURBED OLD PARTY (_loq._) "WHICH, ARTHUR MY DEAR, YOU'VE TREATED HIM TOO
+DELICATE IN FUST ROUND! YOU'LL 'AVE TO PULL YERSELF TOGETHER, IF YOU'RE
+A-GOIN' TO DO ANY GOOD!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG.
+
+THE MAN THAT SMOKES THE RANK TWO-D CIGAR, OH!
+
+AIR--"_The Man that broke the Bank at Monte Carlo._"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+     [_Pardon, good_ GILBERT, _pardon, genial_ COBORN, _That from the Bois
+     Boolong. Unto the Cockney purlieus of 'Igh 'Olborn, We shift your
+     famous song._]
+
+  I'm just "all there," no 'ARRY; I've the money, so I score!
+    To a Race last week I went,
+    And there staked a quarter's rent.
+  Dame Fortune smiled upon me as she never done before:
+    And now I've copped the ochre I'm a gent!
+    Yus, now I've piled the pieces, I'm a gent!
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+    As I mash and lark in Finsbury Park,
+      With a free an' heasy hair,
+      You can twig the donahs stare.
+      "BOB must be a millionnaire!"
+        You can 'ear 'em cry,
+        "Oh, ain't _'e_ fly?
+    And carn't 'e wink the hother heye?"
+  The man wot smokes the prime Two-D cigar, oh!
+
+  I've chucked my crib, and two-quid-screw, for betting's now _my_ walk;
+      I do my mornin' march
+      Down to the Marble Arch.
+  I'm bound to spot more winners; I've a eye that's like a 'awk;
+      I'm a mass of oof and 'air-oil, shine and starch;
+      Yus, a reg'lar mass of ochre, shine and starch.
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+    As I walk along, still "going strong,"
+      With my Tuppenny all a-flare,
+      You can 'ear old buffers swear,
+      As my baccy scents the air.
+        You can hear 'em sigh,
+        And moan, "Oh my!"
+    You can see 'em choke, and blink the heye
+  At "the man wot smokes the rank Two-D cigar, oh!"
+
+  I paternise the Promenards on a Sunday, with the Swells,
+    With my topper on the skew,
+    And my cloud a-blowin' blue;
+  For a tuppenny smoke and a leary joke they nobble the mam'selles,
+    And if they're nuts on me, wot can _I_ do?
+    Yus, if they're arter me, wot can _I_ do?
+
+  _Chorus._
+
+    As I swagger and swell along Pell-Mell,
+      With a reg'lar oof-bird air,
+      You can 'ear sour swells declare,
+      "A Whitechapel weed!"--and swear.
+        But their narsty cry
+        Means--jealousy.
+    So I puff, and wink the hother heye--
+  "The man wot smokes the rank Two-D Cigar, oh!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Nuts for Knutsford.
+
+In the City Article of last Saturday's _Times_, we read that Lord KNUTSFORD
+has joined the London Board of "CHAFFEY, BROS., Limited." What a festive
+board! What a rivalry must exist among the CHAFFEY Brothers as to who shall
+be the chaffiest and the wheatiest of the family!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WOMEN'S WRONGS IN JAPAN.
+
+     [The new Japanese Press Bill prohibits women from becoming Publishers
+     or Editors.--_Daily Graphic._]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  A Land of flowers and of Art,
+  Which lived for centuries apart,
+  Some years ago woke with a start;
+    Folks, simply dressed by wrappin' knees
+  In silken robes of dainty hue,
+  Began to long for something new
+  The good, the beautiful, the true
+    No longer charmed the Japanese.
+
+  So Western Art improved their lot;
+  A House of Commons grew. Each got
+  Boots, trousers, frock-coat, chimney-pot.
+    "Art? 'E don't care a rap, an' 'e's,"
+  Saus 'ARRY, "sich a swell! I'm blowed
+  'E'd knock 'em in the Old Kent Road."
+  You are a sight, dressed _a la mode_
+    O too-progressive Japanese!
+
+  And yet, to _Madame Chrysantheme_,
+  Divided Skirter, Primrose Dame,
+  And all the rest, are but a name;
+    It therefore cannot happen ease
+  Is yours, although men dress like frights,
+  And even have election fights;
+  One thing is wanting--Women's Rights,
+    O _fin-de-siecle_ Japanese!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE COMING COAL-SCUTTLE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Sweet Maiden, what is this you wear,
+    This most eccentric sort of bonnet,
+  That stands erect upon your hair
+    As though a coal-scoop fixed upon it?
+
+  A very funny shape it seems,
+    Flat, oval, rather like a shuttle,
+  Or, like some Statesmen's foreign schemes,
+    A sort of undecided scuttle.
+
+  And yet not wholly of the kind
+    Beloved by loud Salvation lasses,
+  Which brings the coal-box to one's mind--
+    BOOTH'S fashions would not suit the Classes.
+
+  There's some resemblance to a spoon,
+    But you are not considered "spooney"--
+  Word coined by some low buffoon,
+    Romantic, quite, as "_Annie Rooney_."
+
+  It's rather like the ace of spades,
+    And yet it plays the deuce with features,
+  O Queen of hearts, of pretty maids,
+    So say we knaves of clubs, male creatures;
+
+  Who look askance at what may shade--
+    When larger grown--the face that charms us.
+  If scoop or scuttle, spoon or spade,
+    No matter; each of them alarms us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A POSSIBLE BUNGLER.--Through REUTER'S Agency last Friday, we learn that
+"BUNGLE KHAN is in Afghan territory." Capital man to be opposed to us. We
+shall be ready to take any advantage of him, as, if BUNGLE KHAN _can
+bungle_, he will of course do so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE FOR THE OTHER SIDE.--Mrs. R. cannot understand how Mr. GLADSTONE can
+advocate Monometallism in the House of Commons, as, she says, she has
+always heard that "Words are silver, and silence is gold."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EMBARRASSING.
+
+_Curate._ "HELLO, REGIE! AH, IT'S GOOD TO BE YOU! A POOR BEGGAR LIKE ME,
+YOU SEE, HAS TO BE CONTENT WITH RUNNING AFTER THE HOUNDS ON FOOT."
+
+_Regie_ (_who, as the Son of our M.F.H., has all the Hunting-Man's horror
+of Foot-people_). "AH--YES. AND THE PATER SAYS HE WOULDN'T MIND THAT SO
+MUCH, IF ONLY HALF THE PARISH DIDN'T SOMETIMES TURNOUT TO RUN AFTER
+_YOU_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 27._--"Am thinking, TOBY," said RIGBY,
+just now, "of applying for Chiltern Hundreds. Parliament isn't quite the
+place I pictured to myself when I fought for a seat. Of course I've done
+pretty well. To be made SOLICITOR-GENERAL right off, with WADDY around, and
+WILLIS still in prime of life and energy, was a fine thing. But House seems
+perversely inclined to accept me as a joke, and that's not the sort of
+thing I'm accustomed to at Chancery Bar. Look what happened the other
+night, when, in my learned brother RUSSELL'S absence, I answered questions.
+Did it in my best, most imposing, and conclusive style. Kept my eye on
+SPEAKER throughout, to see how he'd take it. Effect most satisfactory. You
+know I make CHITTY sit up, and NORTH tremble. They, to certain extent, used
+to it; all new to SPEAKER, and told accordingly. Was really fascinated
+myself. I frowned at him, pursed my mouth, wrinkled my forehead, squared my
+jaw, sometimes lowered my voice into my boots, anon uplifted it above where
+my wig ought to have been. Being my first appearance at table, thought it
+worth while to make an effort. Judging from SPEAKER'S limp appearance
+towards conclusion of my remarks, felt I had done it. Suddenly curious
+noise, that I'm told is known as a titter, interrupted me, and, before I
+had quite finished, there was a boisterous roar of laughter."
+
+"Oh, come," I said, "you mustn't take that too much to heart. House will
+have its joke, and, if you won't make it, it sometimes makes it round you,
+using you as lay-figure. Your voice and manner in answering simple
+matter-of-fact question, were perhaps a size or so too large. But you'll
+get the hang of the place by-and-by, and will be all right."
+
+"I don't think so," said SOLICITOR-GENERAL, sadly. "Look again what
+happened just now. House unexpectedly goes into Committee. Can't find
+MELLOR. 'You take the Chair,' says the SQUIRE; 'you'll fill it admirably.'
+No time for hesitation; I take the Chair; Clerk claps Bill into my hand. I
+say, 'Question is, that I do report progress, and ask leave to sit again.'
+Shouts of 'Aye,' and 'No.' 'I think the Ayes have it,' I say, in deep
+chest-notes, with persuasive fall of eyebrows. 'The Noes have it!' they
+shout. Very well; first duty of Chairman is to be impartial; so _I_ say,
+'The Noes have it.' Again they roar with laughter. WOODALL, in charge of
+Bill, feels for sword of Financial Secretary to War Office. Fortunately,
+can't find it. Otherwise, Chair of Committees might have been steepled with
+my gore. What shall I do next? 'Put question again,' Clerk hoarsely
+whispered. 'Question is, that I do report progress, and ask leave to sit
+again. Those who are of that opinion say Aye; the contrary, No. I think the
+Ayes have it.' That would at least get me out of the Chair, and you
+certainly won't find me asking for leave to sit again. But what follows? In
+all parts of the House, just now opposing progress, hilarious shout of 'No!
+No!' rises up. That means I'm to go on with the Bill; but I know if I
+declare 'the Noes have it,' they'll turn round to the 'Ayes.' So, after
+standing for moment irresolutely, Bill in hand, I'm not ashamed to say I
+bolted from table, taking Bill with me. House roared louder than ever. Seem
+to have discovered excellent joke. But I don't see it, TOBY. If this is
+House of Commons life, give me the dignity and quiet of the Chancery Bar."
+
+Quite a procession of new Members took their seats on election. Honours of
+the day with HARRY LAWSON, who, after stubborn fight, has won Cirencester.
+As young HARRY, with his beaver on, marched to table, Liberals temporarily
+relieved themselves from imputation that they don't know how to cheer.
+
+_Business done._--Local Veto Bill brought in.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: APPLYING FOR THE CHILTERN HUNDREDS.]
+
+_Tuesday Night._--"It's a natural temptation," said CHARLES RUSSELL, "for
+the human mind to believe that Mr. G.'s latest performance at table of
+House of Commons excels all he has done before. There is a phrase--you are
+probably familiar with it in HORACE--which speaks of the _Laudator temporis
+acti_. But the other impulse is certainly, in this connection, quite as
+strong, I, therefore, hesitate to affirm that that's the best speech Mr. G.
+ever made; but certainly it's among the best."
+
+[Illustration: Young Harry obtaining his Majority on Coming of Age in the
+Parliamentary Time.]
+
+It was on Bimetallism. Like olives and claret, Bimetallism quite an
+acquired taste; ordinary Member will have none of it; flees House when
+subject announced. In the Parliamentary world, Bimetallism supplies part of
+the BROWNING or IBSEN cult known out-of-doors. Analogy accurate inasmuch,
+that whilst mass of mankind are averse to contemplation of topic, the few
+faithful pass all ordinary bounds in the enthusiasm of their worship. Thus,
+for upwards of hour to-night, MEYSEY-THOMPSON handled it as if he loved it.
+MONTAGU, whilst musically jingling in trowser-pocket handful of
+newly-minted sovereigns, equally adulatory. Then Mr. G. walked in. It was
+reasonably thought in advance that Bimetallism would prove too much even
+for the charm of his oratory. Had evidently come down unprepared for
+special effort; neither sheaf of notes nor pomatum-pot. He listened to
+mover and seconder, and then just talked to entranced House, crowding up in
+every corner. Quite surprised, as Mr. G. was himself when he sat down, to
+find he'd been talking for an hour.
+
+_Business done._--House declares by 229 votes against 148, will have
+nothing to do with Bimetallism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Wednesday._--Hear a very pleasant thing in connection with an old friend.
+Am told that as soon as Local Veto Bill passes into law, WILFRID LAWSON is
+to be raised to the Peerage.
+
+"Why not?" asks SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. "On the principle that the Devil
+shouldn't have all the good tunes suitable for WESLEY'S hymns, why should
+the Trade have the monopoly of the Peerage? Why shouldn't there be a
+Viscount APPOLINARIS as well as a Baron BASS, a Lord BARLEYWATER to pair
+off with a Baron BARLEYCORN? Let us drink (in toast-and-water), health and
+long life to Lord BARLEYWATER of Brayton!"
+
+_Business done._--In discussion on Irish National Education Bill GRANDOLPH
+effects little surprise. Been running admirably in double harness with
+Prince ARTHUR. This afternoon suddenly jibs; nearly upsets coach.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Friday_, 1 A.M.--"Begin to think, TOBY," said Prince ARTHUR, as we walked
+home together in the moonlight, "that we shall scotch this Home-Rule Bill
+yet. Expectation only just dawned on me. When I went down to House in the
+afternoon, was of different opinion. Had philosophically settled down to
+acceptance of inevitable. Might maim it a bit in Committee; play with it so
+as to block off other business, and send it up to Lords at so late period
+of Session that they would seem justified in throwing it out, on score of
+inadequate time to discuss it. Now I think we shall go one better. COURTNEY
+thought he could serve Unionist cause better from standpoint below Gangway.
+The supremest service he could render to that cause was effected when he
+created vacancy in Chair."
+
+"Don't you think," I said, "they were a little hard on MELLOR? Wasn't the
+sport something after the fashion of the gallant emprise in Windsor Park
+with the carted stag? And then the merry sportsmen didn't give the new
+Chairman the ordinary courtesy of a fair start and a little run."
+
+"Oh," said Prince ARTHUR, "if you put it in that way, of course there's
+something to be said. But all is fair in hate and war. Mr. G. should have
+thought of that before he got rid of COURTNEY. Our business is to stop
+Home-Rule Bill from passing, and after to-night the way is clear, and the
+goal certain."
+
+_Business done._--New Chairman baited for an hour by Westminster Clock.
+Before the lawless, disorderly squabble about Law and Order in County
+Clare, regular foot-ball scrimmage, in which SAUNDERSON naturally turned
+up. In one of the pauses the Colonel dropped into poetry? could hear him
+crooning to himself:--
+
+  There's Justice O'BRIEN of Clare,
+          How rare!
+  'Tis little for justice they care
+          Down there!
+
+  They're choke full of crimes,
+  (So at least says the _Times_),
+  And they've got no policemen to spare,
+          How quare!
+  They've got no policemen to spare.
+
+_Friday Night._--Seems, after all, MELLOR quite right in his ruling
+yesterday. Point was that, on supplementary Estimate, you may not debate
+questions of policy settled when original vote agreed to. Prince ARTHUR
+denounced this as absolutely novel principle. CHAMBERLAIN kept game up from
+other side, and for full hour conviction borne in upon new Chairman that
+life not worth living. SPEAKER, appealed to to-day, declares MELLOR to have
+been in the right. Report of Select Committee on Estimates. Procedure cited
+to show COURTNEY categorically laid down the principle challenged, and
+systematically acted upon it.
+
+[Illustration: Irish National Football Match.]
+
+"Yes," said SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, reflectively stroking his chin, "and
+COURTNEY might have got up and said so last night. Only his fatal
+bashfulness, his irreclaimably retiring disposition, could have kept him
+silent in such circumstances. True, his interposition would have spoiled
+the little game of his friends. It would not have been War, but it would
+have been Magnanimous."
+
+_Business done._--ALBERT ROLLIT, and Ex-Lord Mayor WHITEHEAD, carry
+Resolution declaring Revised Railway Rates prejudicial to commercial
+interests of country.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+104, MARCH 11, 1893***
+
+
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