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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of a Caricaturist, Vol 2
+(of 2), by Harry Furniss
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Confessions of a Caricaturist, Vol 2 (of 2)
+
+Author: Harry Furniss
+
+Release Date: September 20, 2007 [EBook #22689]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CARICATURIST ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Janet Blenkinship and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ [Illustration: AN ARTISTIC JOKE.
+
+ _A London Slum. My Parody of the Venetian School._]
+
+
+
+
+ THE CONFESSIONS OF A CARICATURIST
+
+ BY
+
+ HARRY FURNISS
+
+ _ILLUSTRATED_
+
+
+ VOLUME II
+
+
+ [Illustration]
+
+
+
+ NEW YORK AND LONDON:
+
+ HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS.
+
+ 1902.
+
+
+
+
+ BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS,
+
+ LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+ _All rights reserved._
+
+ December, 1901.
+
+
+
+
+ CONTENTS.
+
+
+ CHAPTER VIII.
+
+ THE ARTISTIC JOKE.
+
+ The First Idea--How it was Made--"Fire!"--I am a Somnambulist--My
+  Workshop--My Business "Partner"--Not by Gainsborough--Lord Leighton--The
+  Private View--The Catalogue--Sold Out--How the R.A.'s Took It--How a
+  Critic Took It--Curious Offers--Mr. Sambourne as a Company Promoter--A
+  One-man Show--_Punch's_ Mistake--A Joke within a Joke--My Offer to the
+  Nation
+                                                               _pp._ 1--25
+
+
+ CHAPTER IX.
+
+ CONFESSIONS OF A COLUMBUS.
+
+ The Cause of my Cruise--No Work--The Atlantic Greyhound--Irish
+  Ship--Irish Doctor--Irish Visitors--Queenstown--A
+  Surprise--Fiddles--Edward Lloyd--Lib--Chess--The Syren--The American
+  Pilot--Real and Ideal--Red Tape--Bribery--Liberty--The Floating Flower
+  Show--The Bouquet--A Bath and a Bishop--"Beastly Healthy"--Entertainment
+  for Shipwrecked Sailors--Passengers--Superstition.
+
+ AMERICA IN A HURRY--Harry Columbus Furniss--The Inky Inquisition--First
+  Impressions--Trilby--Tempting Offers--Kidnapped--Major
+  Pond--Sarony--Ice--James B. Brown--Fire!--An Explanation.
+
+ WASHINGTON--Mr. French of Nowhere--Sold--Interviewed--The Sporting
+  Editor--Hot Stuff--The Capitol--Congress--House of Representatives--The
+  Page Boys--The Agent--Filibuster--The "Reccard"--A
+  Pandemonium--Interviewing the President.
+
+ CHICAGO--The Windy City--Blowers--Niagara--Water and Wood--Darkness to
+  Light--My Vis-à-Vis--Mr. Punch--My Driver--It Grows upon
+  Me--Inspiration--Harnessing Niagara--The Three Sisters--Incline
+  Railway--Captain Webb.
+
+ TRAVELLING--Tickets--Thirst--Sancho Panza--Proclaimed States--"The
+  Amurrican Gurl"--A Lady Interviewer--The English Girl--A Hair
+  Restorer--Twelfth Night Club Reception at a Ladies' Club--The Great
+  Presidential Election--Sound Money _v._ Free Silver--Slumland--Detective
+  O'Flaherty.
+
+                                                             _pp._ 26--130
+
+
+ CHAPTER X.
+
+ AUSTRALIA.
+
+ Quarantined--The Receiver-General of Australia--An Australian
+  Guide-book--A Death Trap--A Death Story--The New Chum--Commercial
+  Confessions--Mad Melbourne--Hydrophobia--Madness--A Land Boom--A Paper
+  Panic--Ruin.
+
+ SYDNEY--The Confessions of a Legislator--Federation--Patrick Francis
+  Moran.
+
+ ADELAIDE--Wanted, a Harbour--Wanted, an
+  Expression--Zoological--Guinea-pigs--Paradise!--Types--Hell Fire
+  Jack--The Horse--The Wrong Room!                          _pp._ 131--153
+
+
+ CHAPTER XI.
+
+ PLATFORM CONFESSIONS.
+
+ Lectures and Lecturers--The Boy's Idea--How to Deliver It--The
+  Professor--The Actors--My First Platform--Smoke--Cards--On the
+  Table--Nurses--Some Unrehearsed Effects--Dress--A Struggle with a
+  Shirt--A Struggle with a Bluebottle--Sir William Harcourt Goes out--My
+  Lanternists Go Out--Chairmen--The Absent Chairman--The Ideal
+  Chairman--The Political Chairman--The Ignorant
+  Chairman--Chestnuts--Misunderstood--Advice to Those about to Lecture--I
+  am Overworked--"'Arry to Harry."                           _pp._ 154-189
+
+
+ CHAPTER XII.
+
+ MY CONFESSIONS AS A "REFORMER."
+
+ Portraiture Past and Present--The National Portrait Gallery
+  Scandal--Fashionable Portraiture--The Price of an Autograph--Marquis
+  Tseng--"So That's My Father!"--Sala Attacks Me--My Retort--Du Maurier's
+  Little Joke--My Speech--What I Said and What I Did Not Say--Fury of
+  Sala--The Great Six-Toe Trial--Lockwood Serious--My Little
+  Joke--Nottingham Again--Prince of Journalists--Royal Academy Antics--An
+  Earnest Confession--My Object--My Lady
+  Oil--Congratulations--Confirmations--The Tate Gallery--The Proposed
+  Banquet--The P.R.A. and Modern Art--My Confessions in the Central
+  Criminal Court--Cricket in the Park--Reform!--All About that Snake--The
+  Discovery--The Capture--Safe--The Press--Mystery--Evasive--Experts--I
+  Retaliate--The _Westminster Gazette_--The Schoolboy--The
+  Scare--Sensation--Death--Matters Zoological--Modern Inconveniences--Do
+  Women Fail in Art?--Wanted a Wife                          _pp._ 190-234
+
+
+ CHAPTER XIII.
+
+ THE CONFESSIONS OF A DINER.
+
+ My FirstCity Dinner--A Minnow against the Stream--Those Table Plans--Chaos
+  --The City Alderman, Past and Present--Whistler's Lollipops--Odd
+  Volumes--Exchanging Names--Ye Red Lyon Clubbe--The Pointed
+  Beard--Baltimore Oysters--The Sound Money Dinner--To Meet General
+  Boulanger--A Lunch at Washington--No Speeches.
+
+ THE THIRTEEN CLUB--What it was--How it was Boomed--Gruesome
+  Details--Squint-Eyed Waiters--Superstitious Absentees--My Reasons for
+  being Present--'Arry of _Punch_--The Lost "Vocal" Chords--The
+  Undergraduate and the Undertaker--Model Speeches--Albert Smith--An
+  Atlantic Contradiction--The White Horse--The White Feather--Exit 13
+                                                             _pp._ 235-271
+
+
+ CHAPTER XIV.
+
+ THE CONFESSIONS OF AN EDITOR.
+
+ Editors--Publishers--An Offer--Why I Refused it--The _Pall Mall Budget_
+  --_Lika Joko_--The _New Budget_--The Truth about my Enterprises--
+  _Au Revoir!_                                               _pp._ 272-280
+
+
+ [Illustration: HARRY FURNISS'S (EGYPTIAN STYLE). _From "Punch."_]
+
+
+
+
+ LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
+
+
+                                                                     PAGE
+
+ An Artistic Joke. A London Slum. My Parody of the
+  Venetian School.                                         _Frontispiece._
+
+ My Studio during the Progress of "An Artistic Joke"                    1
+
+ Harry Furniss's Royal Academy                                          3
+
+ Throwing myself into it                                                5
+
+ Fire!                                                                  6
+
+ The Pictures by R. Macbeth:
+   Potato Gang in the Fens;
+   Twitch-burning in the Fens;
+   A Flood in the Fens                                                  8
+
+ Macbeth in the Fens                                                    9
+
+ Letter from the President of the Royal Academy                        11
+
+ "An Artistic Joke"                                                    15
+
+ Mr. Sambourne's Prospectus                                            18
+
+ Cover of "How he did it"                                              20
+
+ Initial "T"                                                           20
+
+ My Portrait. Frontispiece for "How he did it"                         21
+
+ Harry Furniss and his "Lay Figure"                                    22
+
+ Letter from the President of the Royal Academy                        25
+
+ Initial "I"                                                           26
+
+ A "T--Tonic"                                                          27
+
+ An Atlantic "Greyhound."                                              28
+
+ The Saloon of the _Teutonic_. The First Morning at Breakfast          30
+
+ At Queenstown--A Reminiscence                                         33
+
+ Bog-Oak Souvenirs                                                     34
+
+ The Captain's Table                                                   36
+
+ Not up in a Balloon                                                   38
+
+ Chess                                                                 40
+
+ Mr. Lloyd and the Lady. "If you will sing, _I_ will!"                 42
+
+ The American Pilot--Ideal                                             43
+
+ The American Pilot--Real                                              43
+
+ The Health Officer comes on Board                                     45
+
+ Just in Time                                                          46
+
+ "A Floating Flower Show"                                              47
+
+ The Bath Steward and the Bishop. "Your Time, Sir! Your Time!"         48
+
+ Americans and English on Deck                                         49
+
+ American Interviewing--Imaginary                                      52
+
+ American Interviewing--Real                                           53
+
+ "Sandy."                                                              55
+
+ Chiropody                                                             57
+
+ "New Trilby."                                                         58
+
+ "Amiable Mr. Harry Furniss"                                           59
+
+ Major Pond                                                            59
+
+ The Great Sarony                                                      61
+
+ James B. Brown                                                        63
+
+ Fire!                                                                 65
+
+ The Alarm                                                             67
+
+ The Throne in the Senate                                              72
+
+ The Throne, House of Representatives                                  73
+
+ Initial "T"                                                           74
+
+ The House of Representatives                                          75
+
+ An ex-Speaker                                                         77
+
+ An ex-Minister                                                        80
+
+ Anglophobia                                                           82
+
+ The President--Ideal                                                  83
+
+ The President--Real                                                   83
+
+ Initial "A"                                                           84
+
+ A Buffalo Girl                                                        84
+
+ President Harrison's Reply                                            85
+
+ Mr. Punch at Niagara                                                  86
+
+ Hebe                                                                  86
+
+ My Driver                                                             87
+
+ Fra' Huddersfield                                                     87
+
+ Niagara growing upon Me                                               88
+
+ I admire the great Horseshoe Fall                                     89
+
+ Jonathan harnessing Niagara                                           90
+
+ "The Three Sisters."                                                  91
+
+ Inclined Railway, Niagara                                             92
+
+ Where Captain Webb was Killed                                         93
+
+ Tourists                                                              94
+
+ American Travelling. Nothing to Eat                                   96
+
+ American Travelling. Nothing to Drink                                 97
+
+ Sleep(!)                                                             100
+
+ A Washington Lady                                                    102
+
+ A Lady Interviewer                                                   104
+
+ A Sketch at "Del's"                                                  105
+
+ Young America                                                        106
+
+ An American Menu                                                     107
+
+ My Portrait--_in the Future_                                         108
+
+ I am Entertained at the Twelfth Night Club                           110
+
+ Reception at a Ladies' Club                                          112
+
+ Wife and Husband                                                     113
+
+ A Dream of the White House                                           114
+
+ The Political Quartette                                              116
+
+ After the Great Parade: "Am I to sit on an ordinary seat to-night?"  120
+
+ Italians                                                             123
+
+ Where the Deed was done!                                             125
+
+ "A Youth with a Crutch"                                              127
+
+ In an Opium Joint                                                    128
+
+ "In His Own Black Art"                                               128
+
+ "Hitting the Pipe"                                                   129
+
+ "Good-bye"                                                           130
+
+ Initial "W"                                                          131
+
+ Coaling                                                              132
+
+ Quarantine                                                           133
+
+ Initial "T"                                                          134
+
+ Sleepy Hollow                                                        135
+
+ Prospectors                                                          138
+
+ Quarantine Island                                                    141
+
+ I am invited to present myself                                       143
+
+ Landing at Adelaide                                                  148
+
+ Pondicherry Vultures                                                 150
+
+ The Maid of the Inn                                                  150
+
+ The Way into Paradise                                                151
+
+ Paradise                                                             151
+
+ Adam and Eve                                                         152
+
+ A Type                                                               153
+
+ Queen's Hall, London. I was the first to speak from the Platform     154
+
+ "Parliament by Day"                                                  156
+
+ "Parliament by Night"                                                157
+
+ Miss Mary Anderson                                                   159
+
+ Initial "By"                                                         159
+
+ Giving My "Humours of Parliament" to the Nurses                      162
+
+ Speaker Brand, afterwards Viscount Hampden                           164
+
+ The Surprise Shirt                                                   166
+
+ Discovered!                                                          168
+
+ The Fly in the Camera                                                169
+
+ Late Arrivals                                                        171
+
+ Reserved Seats                                                       172
+
+ Chairman No. 1                                                       174
+
+ Chairman No. 2                                                       177
+
+ The Pumpkin--a Chestnut                                              178
+
+ In "The Humours of Parliament." Ballyhooley Pathetic                 181
+
+ Harry Furniss as a Pictorial Entertainer                             182
+
+ "Grandolph ad Leones." Reduction of a Page Drawing for _Punch_ made by
+ me whilst travelling by Train                                        185
+
+ Down with Dryasdust                                                  189
+
+ From a Photo by Debenham and Gould                                   190
+
+ G. A. Sala                                                           195
+
+ "Art Critic of the _Daily Telegraph_"                                199
+
+ Counsel for the Plaintiff                                            200
+
+ Mr. F. C. Gould's Sketch in the _Westminster_, which Sala
+  maintained was mine                                                 200
+
+ Defendant                                                            202
+
+ My Hat                                                               202
+
+ The Plaintiff                                                        203
+
+ The Editor of _Punch_ supports me                                    203
+
+ Sir F. Lockwood and Myself                                           204
+
+ "Six Toes" Signature                                                 205
+
+ The Sequel--I Distribute the Prizes at Nottingham                    205
+
+ Initial "T"                                                          206
+
+ The See-Saw Antic                                                    207
+
+ The first P.R.A.                                                     209
+
+ No Water-Colour or Black-and-White need apply                        210
+
+ A National Academy                                                   211
+
+ The Central Criminal Court. From _Punch_                             215
+
+ "Thank Y-o-o-u!"                                                     216
+
+ Regent's Park as it was. From _Punch_. A Rough Sketch on Wood        217
+
+ The Late Mr Bartlett                                                 220
+
+ Sketch by Mr. F. C. Gould                                            223
+
+ The Lady and Her Snakes                                              226
+
+ Do Women fail in Art--The Chrysalis                                  228
+
+ The Butterfly                                                        230
+
+ Early Victorian Art                                                  232
+
+ Young Lady's Portrait of her Brother                                 233
+
+ Waiting                                                              234
+
+ Initial "P"                                                          235
+
+ Menu of the Dinner given to me by the Lotos Club, New York           237
+
+ Alderman--Ideal. Real                                                239
+
+ J. Whistler, after a City Dinner (Drawn with my Left Hand)           241
+
+ An Odd Volume                                                        241
+
+ My Design for Sette of Odd Volumes                                   242
+
+ My Design (reduced) for the Dinner of Ye Red Lyon Clubbe             243
+
+ A Distinguished "Lyon"                                               243
+
+ Headpiece and Initial "S"                                            245
+
+ A Sound Money Dinner                                                 249
+
+ A Sketch of Boulanger                                                251
+
+ Address of Boulanger's Retreat                                       252
+
+ A Note on My Menu                                                    253
+
+ Remarkable and much-talked-of Lunch to me at Washington.
+  The Autographs on back of Menu                                      254
+
+ Mr. Punch and his Dog Toby                                           256
+
+ A Memorandum in Pencil                                               258
+
+ Thirteen Club Banquet. The Table Decorations                         259
+
+ Mr. W. H. Blanch                                                     260
+
+ The Broken Looking-Glass                                             261
+
+ The Badge                                                            261
+
+ Squint-Eyed Waiter                                                   263
+
+ Coffins, Sir!                                                        266
+
+ "The Chairman will be Pleased to Spill Salt with You."
+  From the _St. James's Budget_                                       267
+
+ A Knife I was Presented with                                         268
+
+ Tailpiece                                                            271
+
+ "Au Revoir"                                                          280
+
+
+
+
+CONFESSIONS OF A CARICATURIST.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE ARTISTIC JOKE.
+
+[Illustration: MY STUDIO DURING THE PROGRESS OF "AN ARTISTIC JOKE."]
+
+     The First Idea--How it was Made--"Fire!"--I am a Somnambulist--My
+     Workshop--My Business "Partner"--Not by Gainsborough--Lord
+     Leighton--The Private View--The Catalogue--Sold Out--How the R.A.'s
+     Took It--How a Critic Took It--Curious Offers--Mr. Sambourne as a
+     Company Promoter--A One-man Show--_Punch's_ Mistake--A Joke within
+     a Joke--My Offer to the Nation.
+
+
+"_In the year 1887 he startled the town and made a Society sensation by
+means of an exceedingly original enterprise which any man of less
+audacious and prodigious power of work would have shrunk from in its
+very inception. For years this Titanic task was in hand. This was his
+celebrated 'artistic joke,' the name given by the 'Times' to a bold
+parody on a large scale of an average Royal Academy Exhibition. This
+great show was held at the Gainsborough Gallery, New Bond Street, and
+consisted of some eighty-seven pictures of considerable size, executed
+in monochrome, and presenting to a marvelling public travesties--some
+excruciatingly humorous and daringly satirical, others really exquisite
+in their rendering of physical traits and landscape features--of the
+styles, techniques, and peculiar choice of subjects of a number of the
+leading artists, R.A.'s and others, who annually exhibit at Burlington
+House. It was a surprise, even to his intimate friends, who, with one or
+two exceptions, knew nothing about it until the announcement that Mr.
+Furniss had his own private Royal Academy appeared in the 'Times.' He
+worked in secret at intervals, under a heavy strain, to get the
+Exhibition ready, particularly as he had to manage the whole of the
+business part; for the show at the Gainsborough Gallery was entirely his
+own speculation. Granted that the experiment was daring, yet the
+audacity of the artist fascinated people. Nor did the Academicians, whom
+some thought would have been annoyed at the fun, as a body resent it.
+They were not so silly, though a minority muttered. Most of them saw
+that Mr. Furniss was not animated by any desire to hold them up to
+contempt, but his parodies were perfectly good-natured, that he had
+served all alike, and that he had only sought the advancement of English
+art. During the whole season the gallery was crushed to overflowing, the
+coldest critics were dazzled, the public charmed, and literally all
+London laughed. It furnished the journalistic critics of the country
+with material for reams of descriptive articles and showers of personal
+paragraphs, and whether relished or disrelished by particular members of
+the artistic profession, at least proved to them, as to the world at
+large, the varied powers (in some phases hitherto unsuspected) and
+exuberant energies of the Harry Furniss whose name was now on the tongue
+and whose bold signature was familiar to the eyes of that not easily
+impressed entity, the General Public._
+
+_"In fact, London had never seen anything so original as Harry Furniss's
+Royal Academy. The work of one man, and that man one of the busiest
+professional men in town. Indeed it might be thought that at the age of
+thirty, with all the foremost magazines and journals waiting on his
+leisure, with a handsome income and an enviable social position assured,
+ambition could hardly live in the bosom of an artist in black and white.
+Unlike Alexander, our hero did not sit down and weep that no kingdom
+remained to conquer, but set quietly to work to create a new realm all
+his own. His Royal Academy, although presented by himself to the public
+as an 'artistic joke,' showed that he could not only use the brush on a
+large scale, but that he could compose to perfection, and after the
+exuberant humour of the show, nothing delighted and surprised the
+public more than the artistic quality and finished technique in much of
+the work, a finish far and away above the work of any caricaturist of
+our time."_
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The idea first occurred to me at a friend's house, when my host after
+dinner took me into the picture gallery to show me a portrait of his
+wife just completed by Mr. Slapdash, R.A. It stood at the end of the
+gallery, the massive frame draped with artistic care, while attendants
+stood obsequiously round, holding lights so as to display the _chef
+d'[oe]uvre_ to the utmost advantage. As I beheld the picture for the
+first time I was simply struck dumb by the excessively bad work which it
+contained. The dictates of courtesy of course required that I should say
+all the civil things I could about it, but I could hardly repress a
+smile when I heard someone else pronounce the portrait to be charming.
+However, as my host seemed to think that perhaps I was too near, and
+that the work might gain in enchantment if I gave it a little distance,
+we moved towards the other end of the gallery and, at his suggestion,
+looked into an antiquated mirror, where I got in the half light what
+seemed a reflection of it. The improvement was obvious, and I told my
+friend so. I told him that the effect was now so lifelike that the
+figure seemed to be moving; but when he in turn gazed into the glass he
+explained somewhat testily that I was not looking at his wife's portrait
+at all, but at the white parrot in the cage hard by. The moral of this
+incident is that if patrons of art in their pursuit of eccentricities
+will pay large sums to an artist for placing a poor portrait in a
+massive frame with drapery hanging round it in the most approved modern
+style, and be satisfied with such a result, they must not be surprised
+if a parrot should be mistaken for a framed type of beauty. I was,
+however, not satisfied until I had examined the picture in question
+closely and honestly in the full light of day, when I saw that Mr.
+Slapdash, R.A., had sold his autograph and a soiled canvas in lieu of a
+portrait to my rich but too easily pleased friend.
+
+As I walked back into the drawing-room, one of the musical humorists of
+the day was cleverly taking off the weak points of his brother
+musicians, and bringing out into strong light their peculiarities and
+faults of style. The entertainment, however, did not tend to raise my
+drooping spirits, for I was sad to think how low our modern art had
+sunk, and with a heavy heart and a sigh for the profession I pursue, I
+went sadly home. Of course my pent-up feelings had to find relief, so my
+poor wife had to listen to an extempore lecture which I then and there
+delivered to her on portraiture past and present--a lecture which I fear
+would hardly commend itself to the Association for the Advancement of
+British Art. Further, I asked myself why should I not take a leaf out of
+the musical humorist's book and like him expose the tricks and
+eccentricities of British art in the present day?
+
+The following morning, being a man of action as well as of word, I
+started my "Artistic Joke." I was determined to keep the matter secret,
+so I worked with my studio doors closed, and as each picture was
+finished it was placed behind some heavy curtains, secure from
+observation, and I kept my secret for three years, until the work was
+complete.
+
+I soon found that I had set myself a task of no little magnitude. Before
+I could really make a start I had to examine each artist's work
+thoroughly. I studied specimens of the work of each at various periods
+of his or her career. I had to discover their mannerisms, their
+idiosyncrasies and ideas, if they had any, their tricks of brushwork,
+and all the technicalities of their art. Then I designed a picture
+myself in imitation of each artist. In a very few instances only did I
+parody an actual work. This fact was generally lost sight of by those
+who visited the Exhibition. The public imagined that I simply took a
+certain picture of a particular artist and burlesqued it. I did this
+certainly in the case of Millais' "Cinderella" and one or two others;
+but in the vast majority of the works exhibited, even in Marcus Stone's
+"Rejected Addresses," which appeared to so many as if it must have been
+a direct copy of some picture of his, the idea was entirely evolved out
+of my own imagination. In thinking out the various pictures I devoted
+the greatest care to accuracy of detail. I was particular as to the
+shape of each, and even went so far as to obtain frames in keeping with
+those used by the different artists. Of course it was out of the
+question for me to do the pictures in colour, which would have required
+a lifetime, and probably tempted me to break faith with my idea; not to
+mention the fact that I should in that case most likely have sent the
+collection to the Academy, of which obtuse body, if there is any justice
+in it, I must then naturally have been elected a full-blown member.
+
+[Illustration: THROWING MYSELF INTO IT.]
+
+In order to get the Exhibition finished in time, I often had to work far
+into the night, and on one occasion when I was thus secretly engaged in
+my studio upon these large pictures until the small hours, I remember a
+catastrophe very nearly happened which would have put a finishing touch
+of a very different kind to that which I intended, not only to the
+picture, but to the artist himself. It happened thus. About three
+o'clock in the morning, long after the household had retired to rest, I
+became conscious of a smell of burning. I made a minute search round the
+studio, but could not discover the slightest indication of an incipient
+conflagration. Then a dreadful thought occurred to me. Beneath the
+studio is a vault, access to which is gained by a trap-door in the
+floor. Could it be that the secret of my "Artistic Joke" had become
+common property in the artistic world, and that some vindictive
+Academician, bent upon preventing the impending caricature of his _chef
+d'[oe]uvre_, was even now, like another Guy Fawkes, concealed below, and
+in the dead of night was already commencing his diabolical attempt to
+roast me alive in the midst of my caricatures? Up went the trap-door,
+and with candle in hand I explored the vault. The result was to calm my
+apprehensions upon this score, for there was no one there. Still
+mystified as to where the smell of fire, now distinctly perceptible,
+came from, I next walked round the outside of my studio, exciting
+evident suspicion in the mind of the policeman on his beat. No, there
+was not a spark to be seen; no keg of gunpowder, no black leather bag,
+no dynamite, no infernal machine. I returned into the house and went
+upstairs, roused all my family and servants, who, after a close
+examination, returned to their beds, assuring me that all was safe
+there, and half wondering whether the persistent pursuit of caricaturing
+does not produce an enfeebling effect upon the mind. Consoled by their
+assurances, I returned once more to my studio, where the burning smell
+grew worse and worse. However, concluding that it was due to some fire
+in the neighbourhood, I settled down to work once more; but hardly had I
+taken my brush in hand when showers of sparks and particles of
+smouldering wood began to descend upon my head and shoulders, and cover
+the work I was engaged on. I started up, and looking up at my big
+sunlight, saw to my horror that I had wound up my easel, which is twelve
+feet high, and more nearly resembles a guillotine than anything else, so
+far that the top of it was in immediate contact with the gas, and
+actually alight!
+
+[Illustration: FIRE!]
+
+The _Times_ took the unusual course of giving, a month in advance of its
+opening on April 23rd, 1887, a preliminary notice of this Exhibition.
+
+It said: "A novel Exhibition, for which we venture to prophesy no
+little success, is being prepared by Harry Furniss of _Punch_ celebrity.
+As everyone knows, Mr. Furniss has long adorned the columns of our
+contemporary with pictorial parodies of the chief pictures of the Royal
+Academy, the Grosvenor, and other shows, and it has now occurred to him
+to develop this idea and to have a humorous Royal Academy of his own. He
+has taken the Gainsborough Gallery in Old Bond Street, which he will
+fill some time before the opening of Burlington House with a display of
+elaborate travesties of the works of all the best known artists of the
+day. There will be seventy pictures in black and white, many of them
+large size, turning into good-natured ridicule the works of every
+painter, good and bad, whose pictures are familiar to the public," etc.,
+etc. This gives a very fair idea of the nature and objects of my "Royal
+Academy." My aim was to burlesque not so much individual works as
+general style, not so much specific performances as habitual manner. As
+an example I take the work of that clever decorative painter and etcher,
+Mr. R. W. Macbeth, A.R.A. By his permission I here reproduce reductions
+in black and white of three of his well-known pictures, and side by side
+I show my parody of his style and composition--not, as you will observe,
+a caricature of any _one_ picture, but a boiling down of _all_ into an
+original picture of my own in which I emphasise his mannerisms.
+Furthermore, in my catalogue I parodied the same artist's mannerism in
+drawing in black and white, and with one or two exceptions this applies
+to all the works I exhibited. I hit upon a new idea for the illustrated
+catalogue. The illustrations, with few exceptions, did not convey any
+idea of the composition of the pictures, and in many cases they were
+designed to further the idea and object of the Exhibition by reference
+to pictures not included therein. My joke was that the Exhibition could
+not be understood by anyone without a catalogue, and the catalogue could
+not be understood by anyone without seeing the Exhibition. Therefore
+everyone visiting the Exhibition had to buy a catalogue, and everyone
+seeing the catalogue had to visit the Exhibition. _Q.E.D.!_ The idea,
+the catalogue, and everything connected with this "Artistic Joke"
+were my own, with the exception of the title, which was so happily
+supplied by Mr. Humphry Ward as the heading to the preliminary notice he
+wrote for the _Times_. _At the last moment_ I called in my fellow-worker
+on _Punch_, Mr. E. J. Milliken, to assist me with some of the
+letterpress of the catalogue and write the verses for it. I had all but
+a small portion of the catalogue written before he so kindly gave this
+assistance, but at the suggestion of a mutual friend I gave him half the
+profits of the catalogue, which amounted to several hundred pounds. I am
+obliged to make this point clear, as to my astonishment it was reported
+that the whole Exhibition was a joint affair, no doubt originated by Mr.
+Punch in a few lines: "When two of Mr. Punch's young men put their heads
+together to produce so excellent a literary and artistic a joke as that
+now on view at the Gainsborough Gallery----" This was accepted as a
+matter of fact by many, not knowing that this "joke," my work of years,
+was a secret in the _Punch_ circle as outside it. The false impression
+which Mr. Punch had originated he corrected in his Happy Thought way:
+"_The Artistic Jubilee Jocademy in Bond Street._--The fire insurances on
+the building will be uncommonly heavy because there is to be a show of
+Furniss's constantly going on inside. Why not call it 'Furniss Abbey
+Thoughts?'"
+
+[Illustration: POTATO GANG IN THE FENS.
+
+TWITCH-BURNING IN THE FENS.
+
+A FLOOD IN THE FENS.
+
+THE PICTURES BY R. MACBETH.
+
+_Reproduced by permission of the Artist._]
+
+[Illustration: MACBETH IN THE FENS.
+
+_My parody in "An Artistic Joke" of Mr. Macbeth's composition and style
+of work, showing that in my "Academy" I did not parody one subject, but
+designed a picture embodying all the characteristics of the Artist._]
+
+The following brief correspondence passed between the President of the
+Royal Academy and myself:--
+
+     "Mr. Harry Furniss presents his compliments to Sir Frederick
+     Leighton and trusts he will forgive being bothered with the
+     following little matter.
+
+     "Sir Frederick is no doubt aware of Mr. Furniss's intention to have
+     a little Exhibition in Bond Street this spring,--a good-natured
+     parody on the Royal Academy. The title settled upon--the only one
+     that explains its object--is
+
+          "HARRY FURNISS'S
+          "ROYAL ACADEMY,
+          "'AN ARTISTIC JOKE.'"
+
+     "In this particular case the authorities (Mr. Furniss is informed)
+     see no objection to the use of the word _Royal_ pure and simple,
+     but as a matter of etiquette he thinks it right to ask the question
+     of Sir Frederick Leighton also.
+
+     "_March 11th, 1887._"
+
+[Illustration: LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.]
+
+A word or two may not be out of place here on the practical difficulties
+which beset an artist who opens an Exhibition on his own account, and is
+forced by circumstances to become his own "exploiteur." Men may have
+worked with a more ambitious object, but certainly no man can ever have
+worked harder than I did at this period. Outside work was pouring in, my
+current _Punch_ work seemed to be increasing, but I never allowed
+"Furniss's Folly" (as some good-natured friend called my Exhibition at
+the moment) to interfere with it. I had only arranged with a "business
+man" to take the actual "running" of the show off my hands, and he was
+to have half the profits if there should happen to be any. At the
+critical moment, when I was working night and day at my easel, when in
+fact the "murther was out" and the date actually settled for the
+"cracking" of my joke--in short, when I fondly imagined that all the
+arrangements were made, I received a letter from my "business" friend
+backing out of the affair, "as he doubted its success." Half-an-hour
+after the receipt of this staggerer (I have never had time to reply to
+it) I was dashing into Bond Street, where I quickly made all
+arrangements for the hire of a gallery and the necessary printing,
+engaged an advertising agent and staff, and myself saw after the
+thousand and one things indispensable to an undertaking of this kind.
+And all this extraneous worry continued to hamper my studio work until
+the Exhibition was actually opened. Of course I had to make hurried
+engagements at any price, and consequently bad ones for me. Every
+householder is aware that should he change his abode he is surrounded in
+his new home by a swarm of local tradespeople and others anxious to get
+something out of him. Well, my experience upon entering the world of
+"business," hitherto strange to me, was precisely the same. All sorts of
+parasites try to fasten themselves on to you. Business houses regard you
+as an amateur, and consequently you pay dearly for your experience. You
+are not up to the tricks of the trade, and although you may not
+generally be written down an ass, you must in your new vocation pay your
+footing. It is therefore incumbent upon anyone entering the world of
+trade for the first time to keep his wits very much about him.
+
+The local habitation for my Exhibition, which upon the spur of the
+moment I was fortunate enough to find in Bond Street, was called for
+some inexplicable reason the Gainsborough Gallery, and thereby hangs a
+tale. One afternoon there arrived a venerable dowager in a gorgeous
+canary-coloured chariot, attended by her two colossal footmen. She
+sailed into the gallery, which, fortunately for the old and scant of
+breath, was on the ground floor, and slightly raising the pince-nez on
+her aristocratic nose, looked about her with an air of bewilderment.
+Then going up to my secretary she said, "Surely! these are not by
+Gainsborough?"
+
+"No, madam," was the reply. "This is the Gainsborough Gallery, but the
+pictures are by Harry Furniss."
+
+Almost fainting on the spot, the old lady called for her salts, her
+stick, and her attendants three, and was rapidly driven away from the
+scene of her lamentable mistake.
+
+The public attendance at the "The Artistic Joke" was prodigious from the
+first. Even upon the private view day, when I introduced a novelty, and
+instead of inviting everybody who is somebody to pay a gratuitous visit
+to the show, raised the entrance fee to half-a-crown, the fashionable
+crowd besieged the doors from an early hour, and made a very
+considerable addition to my treasury. Those of my readers, however, who
+did not pay a visit to the Gainsborough will be better able to realise
+the amount of patronage we received, notwithstanding the numerous
+attractions of the "Jubilee" London season, if I relate an incident
+which occurred on the Saturday after we opened. It was the "private
+view" of the Grosvenor Gallery, and the crowd was immense. Indeed, many
+ladies and gentlemen were returning to their carriages without going
+through the rooms, not, like my patron the dowager, because they were
+disappointed at not finding the work of the old masters, but because the
+visitors were too numerous and the atmosphere too oppressive. As I
+passed through the people I heard a lady who was stepping into her
+carriage say to a friend, "I have just come from 'The Artistic Joke,'
+and the crowd is even worse there. They have had to close the doors
+because the supply of catalogues was exhausted." This soon caused me to
+quicken my pace, and hastening down the street to my own Exhibition, I
+found the police standing at the doors and the people being turned away.
+The simple explanation of this was that so great had been the public
+demand that the stock of catalogues furnished by the printers was
+exhausted early in the afternoon, and as it was quite impossible to
+understand the caricatures without a catalogue, there was no alternative
+but to close the doors until some more were forthcoming.
+
+Finding the telephone was no use, I was soon in a hansom bound for the
+City, intending by hook or by crook to bring back with me the
+much-needed catalogues, or the body of the printer dead or alive. Upon
+arriving in the City, however, to my chagrin I found his place of
+business closed, though the caretaker, with a touch of fiendish
+malignity, showed me through a window whole piles of my non-delivered
+catalogues. Not to be beaten, I hastened back to the West End and
+despatched a very long and explicit telegram to the printer at his
+private house (of course he would not be back in the City until Monday),
+requiring him, under pain of various severe penalties, to yield up my
+catalogues instanter. As I stood in the post office of Burlington House
+anxiously penning this message, and harassed into a state of almost
+feverish excitement, the sounds of martial music and the tramp of armed
+men in the adjacent courtyard fell upon my distracted ear. With a sickly
+and sardonic smile upon my face I laid down the pen and peeped through
+the door.
+
+"Yes! I see it all now," I muttered. "The whole thing is a plant. The
+printer was bribed, and, _coûte que coûte_, the Academy has decided to
+take my body! Hence the presence of the military; and see, those
+cooks--what are they doing here in their white caps? My body! Ha! then
+nothing short of cannibalism is intended!"
+
+This frightful thought almost precipitated me into the very ranks of the
+soldiery, when I discovered that the corps was none other than that of
+the Artist Volunteers, which contains several of my friends. Seizing one
+of those whom I chanced to recognise, I hurriedly whispered in his ear
+the thoughts of impending butchery which were passing in my terrified
+mind. But he only laughed. "You will disturb their digestions, my dear
+Furniss, some other way," he said, "than by providing them with a _pièce
+de résistance_. Make your mind easy, for we are only here to do honour
+to the guests. This is the banqueting night of the Royal Academy."
+
+From what I heard, some amusing incidents occurred in the house at my
+"Royal Academy."
+
+[Illustration: "AN ARTISTIC JOKE."
+
+_A portion of my parody of the work of Sir Alma Tadema, R.A._]
+
+It was no uncommon sight to see the friends and relatives, even the sons
+and daughters, of certain well-known Academicians standing opposite the
+parody of a particular picture, and hugely enjoying it at the expense of
+the parent or friend who had painted the original. Other R.A.'s, who
+went about pooh-poohing the whole affair, and saying that they intended
+to ignore it altogether, turned up nevertheless in due time at the
+Gainsborough, where, it is true, they did not generally remain very
+long. They had not come to see the Exhibition, but only their own
+pictures. One glance was usually enough, and then they vanished. The
+critics (and their friends) of course remained longer. Even Mr. Sala
+went in one day and seemed to be immensely tickled by what he saw.
+Strange to relate, however, when he had passed through about one-third
+of the show, he was observed to stop abruptly, turn himself round, and
+flee away incontinently, never to be seen there again. I was much
+puzzled to discover a reason for this remarkable man[oe]uvre, the more
+so as at that time I had not wounded his _amour propre_ by indulging in
+an "Artistic Joke" of much more diminutive proportions at his expense,
+or, as it subsequently turned out, at my own. Since, however, the
+world-famous trial of _Sala_ v. _Furniss_ I have looked carefully over
+all the pictures in my Royal Academy, with a view to throwing some light
+upon the critic's abrupt departure. I remain, nevertheless, in the dark,
+for the most rigid scrutiny has failed to reveal to me one single
+feature in the show, not even a Grecian nose, or a foot with six toes,
+which could have jarred upon the refined taste of the most sensitive of
+journalists. I shall return to Mr. Sala in another portion of these
+confessions, but am more concerned now with the parasites, the artistic
+failures, the common showmen, the traffickers in various wares, and
+other specimens of more or less impecunious humanity, who applied to me
+to let them participate in the profits of a success which I had toiled
+so hard to achieve. In imitation of Barnum, I might have had, if I had
+been so inclined, a series of side shows, ranging in kind from the big
+diamond which a well-known firm in Bond Street asked me to let them
+exhibit, to the "Queen's Bears" and a curious waxwork of a bald old man
+which by means of electricity showed the gradual alterations of tint
+produced by the growth of intemperance. One of these applications I was
+for a moment inclined to entertain. It has more than once been proposed
+that to enable the British public to take its annual bolus at Burlington
+House with less nausea, the Royal Academy should introduce a band of
+some sort, so that under the influence of its inspiriting strains the
+masterpieces might be robbed of a little of their tameness, the portrait
+of My Lord Knoshoo might seem less out of place in a public Exhibition,
+and the insanities of certain demented colourists might be made less
+obtrusive monopolists of one's attention. Therefore, when "a musical
+lady and her daughters" applied to me for permission to give "Soirées
+Musicales" at the Gainsborough, it struck me for a moment that it would
+be effective to forestall the action of the Academy; but on second
+thoughts I reflected that as the Burlington House band would probably be
+of the same quality as the pictures, it would be adhering more closely
+to the spirit of my "Artistic Joke" if I gave my patrons a barrel organ
+or a hurdy-gurdy which should play the "Old Hundredth" by steam.
+Although one would have thought that a single visit of a few hours'
+duration would have sufficed to go through a humorous Exhibition of this
+kind, I found that several people became _habitués_ of the place, and
+paid many visits; but it is of course possible to have too much of a
+good thing, and a joke loses its point when you have too much of it. No
+better illustration of this can be afforded than in the case of my own
+secretary at the time, who had sat in the Exhibition for many months.
+One day, when the plates were being prepared for an album which I
+published as a souvenir of the show, the engraver arrived with a proof.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SAMBOURNE'S PROSPECTUS.]
+
+"But there is some mistake here," said my secretary. "We have no such
+picture as that on the premises."
+
+The engraver was puzzled, and as he seemed rather sceptical upon the
+point, he was allowed to look round, and speedily found the picture he
+had copied. It had actually been close at my secretary's elbow since the
+"Artistic Joke" was opened to the public, but as the pictures were all
+under glass, I suppose he had only seen his own reflection when gazing
+at them. It was this perhaps which caused another gentleman whom I have
+before mentioned to beat so hasty a retreat. Both of them may have been
+frightened by what they saw.
+
+The suggestion that I should be run as a public company emanated from
+the fertile brain of my friend Mr. Linley Sambourne. This is his rough
+idea of the prospectus:
+
+     This Company has been formed to acquire the sole exclusive
+     concession of the marvellous and rapid power of production of the
+     above-mentioned Managing Director, and to take over the same as a
+     going concern.
+
+     These productions have been in continual flow for many years past,
+     and are too well known to need any assurance of the possibility of
+     a failure of supply. It is therefore with the utmost confidence
+     that this sure and certain investment is now offered to the public
+     with an absolute guarantee of a percentage for Fifteen Years of
+     Forty-five per cent.
+
+     Mr. Furniss can be seen at work with the regularity of a threshing
+     machine and the variety of a kaleidoscope any day from 8 o'c. a.m.
+     to 8 o'c. p.m. on presentation of visiting card.
+
+
+  BANKERS,
+  Close, Gatherum & Co., Lombard Street.
+
+  SOLICITORS,
+  Black, White & Co., Tube Court.
+
+  SECRETARY, _pro tem._
+  Earl M----,
+  Arrystone Grange.
+
+  _The Subscription List will close on or before Monday, April 1st,
+  1887._
+
+            *       *       *       *       *
+
+     Messrs. C. White & Greyon Grey invite subscriptions for the
+     undermentioned Share Capital and Debentures of the
+
+  HARRY FURNISS PARODY CARTOON COMPANY
+  (Unlimited).
+
+  Incorporated under the Joint Stock Companies Acts, 1862 and 1883.
+
+             Share Capital                               £4,000,000.
+
+  Divided as follows:
+
+             450,000 Ordinary Shares of £5 each          £2,250,000
+             175,000 7 p.c. Cumulative Preference Shares
+                of £10 each                               1,750,000
+
+  DIRECTORS.
+
+  Chairman: H. V---- W----, Esq., Regent Street, photographer.
+  Sir John S---- V----, Kt., Pine Court, Kent.
+  H---- F----, Esq., Draughtsman and Designer, 45, Drury Lane.
+
+  HARRY FURNISS, ESQ., R.R.A., R.R.I., &c.,
+  will join the Board as Managing Director on allotment.
+
+
+
+
+A JOKE WITHIN A JOKE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A showman, particularly with some attraction of the passing hour, must
+"boom his show for all it's worth," as the Americans say; so I "boomed"
+my "Artistic Joke" with an advertising joke, and at the same time
+parodied another branch of art--the art of advertising the artists, by a
+special number of a magazine devoted to the work of an Academician. The
+special numbers, generally published at Christmas, are familiar and
+interesting to us all. Still, from any point of view they are fair game.
+They are of course merely non-critical, eulogistic accounts of the
+artist and his work. So
+
+"_How he Did It--The Story of my 'Artistic Joke,'_" duly appeared,
+written by my Lay-figure.
+
+
+"PREFACE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"The fact of my being only an artist's lay-figure will account for any
+stiffness or angularity in my literary style. Whilst conscious of my
+deficiencies in this respect, I am comforted by the consideration that a
+lay-figure attempting literature cannot by any possibility perpetrate
+greater absurdities than are committed by many a ready writer who
+indulges in those glowing and gushing descriptions of artists and their
+work which it is now the fashion to publish, in some such shape as the
+present, for the delectation (and delusion) of a gossip-loving public."
+
+This, the origin of "The Artistic Joke," is a fair specimen of the
+absurdity I published as an advertisement, though many bought it and
+read it as a "true and authentic account" of the confessions of a
+caricaturist's lay-figure:
+
+[Illustration: MY PORTRAIT. FRONTISPIECE FOR 'HOW HE DID IT.']
+
+"As many would be interested in knowing how this extraordinary idea of
+an Academy _pour rire_ first occurred to this artist, I hasten to
+gratify their natural curiosity. It was before little Harry reached the
+age of seven, and while watching with fellow-feeling the house-painters
+at work in his father's house. One day, at lunchtime, when the men had
+left their ladders and paraphernalia near the picture-gallery (a long
+room containing choice works of all the great masters), he seized his
+opportunity: with herculean strength and Buffalo-Billish agility, our
+hero dragged all the ladders, paints and brushes into the gallery, and
+soon was at work 'touching up' the pictures, to gratify his boyish love
+of mischief. Truth to tell, his performance was but on a par,
+artistically, with that usually shown when mischievous boys get hold of
+brushes and paint and a picture to restore."
+
+[Illustration:
+
+25, Old Bond Street,
+LONDON, W.
+Jubilee Day 1887
+
+I have been favoured--if that is the proper word--with a sight of an
+advance copy of this perpetration.
+
+I feel that the Easy confidence which has hitherto existed between an
+artist and his Lay Figure is for ever broken and fled. If I had only
+known that wine was taking advantage of her exceptional opportunities to
+betray my misplaced confidence in this popular but pestilent fashion, I
+would have made firewood of her long ago.
+
+It is now too late. The temptation is turn Graphic Gusher and
+confidential Trotter-out, has proved too much for a wee docile and
+discreet Lay Figure. I am one more victim at unsuspected hands, to the
+revolting rage for "Revelations."
+
+I am bound to admit, however, that whilst the taste of the whole "Story"
+is execrable, the facts upon which it is founded are undisputable.
+
+The Tale is an o'er true one, though it has been compiled without the
+knowledge, and is published exactly against the desire of
+
+Harry Furniss]
+
+"Before Harry had finished touching-up the valuable family portraits,
+his father came in, glanced round, and fell onto a couch in roars of
+laughter. 'It's the best Artistic Joke I've ever seen, my boy, and
+here's a shilling for you!' A happy thought struck Harry at the moment.
+He kept it to himself for over twenty-five years; and now, standing high
+upon an allegorical ladder, he repeats the Joke daily, from nine to
+seven, admission one shilling."
+
+This book of sixty pages sold extremely well, and, strange to say, I
+made more money out of this joking advertisement--the work of a few
+days--than I did out of my elaborate album of seventy photogravure
+plates which occupied two years to produce and cost me £2,000.
+
+The following lines from _Fun_ give the origin of my Joke's peculiar and
+ingenious turn:
+
+  "The fact is the Forty were sad in their mind
+    (Unfortunate _Aca_demicians!)
+  Associates also were troubled in kind,
+    With jeers at their works and positions,
+  Till one who was younger and bolder than all
+    Declared 'doleful dumps' to be folly,
+  'Come--away to the club, and for supper let's call,
+    And try to be decently jolly.'
+
+  "So they fed with good will on the viands prepared
+    (Pork chops were the principal portion),
+  Then retiring to bed, with their dreams they were scared,
+    And spent half the night in contortion;
+  Then rose in their sleep and came down to this room,
+    And, instead of a purposeless pawing,
+  They painted these pictures, then fled in the gloom,
+    And Furniss has touched up the drawing!"
+
+Having parodied the artists' work, the R.A. catalogue, and the
+publishers' R.A. special numbers, I went one step further. I parodied
+"Art Patrons." At that time there was a great stir in art circles in
+consequence of the authorities of the National Gallery dallying with Mr.
+Tate's offer of his pictures to the nation; so to emulate him, and Mr.
+Alexander, and Mr. Watts, and other public benefactors in the world of
+art, I sent the following letter to the Directors of the National
+Gallery:
+
+     "Mr. Harry Furniss presents his compliments to the Trustees of the
+     National Gallery and begs to congratulate them upon the munificent
+     gifts lately made to them, particularly Mr. Henry Tate's, which
+     provides the nation with an excellent sample of current art. At the
+     same time Mr. Harry Furniss feels that having it in his power to
+     provide a more complete collection of our modern English school, he
+     is inspired by the generous offers of others to humbly imitate this
+     good example, and will therefore willingly give his 'Royal Academy'
+     (parodies on modern painters), better known as 'The Artistic Joke,'
+     which caused such a sensation in 1887, to the National Gallery if
+     the Trustees will honour him by accepting the collection."
+
+Yet it was not believed, at least not in Aberdeen, for the leading paper
+of the Granite City published the following:
+
+     "Someone has played a joke on Mr. Harry Furniss. An announcement
+     appears this morning to the effect that 'animated by the generosity
+     of Mr. Henry Tate and other benefactors of the National Gallery,
+     Mr. Harry Furniss has offered to the Trustees his collection of
+     illustrations of the work of modern artists recently on view in
+     Bond Street,' and that he 'has received a communication to the
+     effect that his offer is under consideration.' I believe no one was
+     more surprised by this communication than Mr. Furniss. He never
+     made the offer except possibly in jest to some Member of
+     Parliament, and naturally he was much surprised to learn that his
+     offer was 'under consideration.' The illustrations in question
+     could scarcely be dispensed with by Mr. Furniss, as they are to him
+     a sort of stock-in-trade."
+
+Not only in Aberdeen but I found generally my seriousness was doubted,
+so I reproduce on the opposite page in facsimile the graceful reply of
+the authorities of our National Gallery:
+
+The "Artistic Joke" was never intended as an attack on the Royal Academy
+at all, as a clear-headed critic wrote:
+
+     "It would be more just to regard it as an attempt on Mr. Furniss's
+     part to show the Academicians the possibilities of real beauty, and
+     wonder, and pleasure that lie hidden in their work.... On the
+     whole, the Royal Academicians have never appeared under more
+     favourable conditions than in this pleasant gallery. Mr. Furniss
+     has shown that the one thing lacking in them is sense of humour,
+     and that, if they would not take themselves so seriously, they
+     might produce work that would be a joy, and not a weariness to the
+     world. Whether or not they will profit by the lessons it is
+     difficult to say, for dulness has become the basis of
+     respectability, and seriousness the only refuge of the shallow."
+
+[Illustration: The Artistic Joke.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+CONFESSIONS OF A COLUMBUS.
+
+     The Cause of my Cruise--No Work--The Atlantic Greyhound--Irish
+     Ship--Irish Doctor--Irish Visitors--Queenstown--A
+     Surprise--Fiddles--Edward Lloyd--Lib--Chess--The Syren--The
+     American Pilot--Real and Ideal--Red Tape--Bribery--Liberty--The
+     Floating Flower Show--The Bouquet--A Bath and a Bishop--"Beastly
+     Healthy"--Entertainment for Shipwrecked
+     Sailors--Passengers--Superstition.
+
+     AMERICA IN A HURRY--Harry Columbus Furniss--The Inky
+     Inquisition--First Impressions--Trilby--Tempting
+     Offers--Kidnapped--Major Pond--Sarony--Ice--James B.
+     Brown--Fire!--An Explanation.
+
+     WASHINGTON--Mr. French of Nowhere--Sold--Interviewed--The Sporting
+     Editor--Hot Stuff--The Capitol--Congress--House of
+     Representatives--The Page Boys--The Agent--Filibuster--The
+     "Reccard"--A Pandemonium--Interviewing the President.
+
+     CHICAGO--The Windy City--Blowers--Niagara--Water and Wood--Darkness
+     to Light--My Vis-à-Vis--Mr. Punch--My Driver--It Grows upon
+     Me--Inspiration--Harnessing Niagara--The Three Sisters--Incline
+     Railway--Captain Webb.
+
+     [Illustration]
+
+     TRAVELLING--Tickets--Thirst--Sancho Panza--Proclaimed States--"The
+     Amurrican Gurl"--A Lady Interviewer--The English Girl--A Hair
+     Restorer--Twelfth Night Club Reception at a Ladies' Club--The Great
+     Presidential Election--Sound Money _v._ Free
+     Silver--Slumland--Detective O'Flaherty.
+
+
+I never felt better in my life, but my friends all assured me that I
+looked ill. If I wasn't ill, I ought to be. I must be overworked and
+break down. I had "burnt the candle at both ends and in the middle as
+well," and it was a duty I owed to humanity to collapse. For years I
+had done the work of three men with the constitution of one, so one day
+it came to pass that I was forced by my friends into the consulting-room
+of a celebrated physician, labelled "Ill. To be returned to Dead Letter
+Office, or to be sent by foreign mail to some distant land, or to be
+cremated on the spot," anything but to leave me free to return to my mad
+disease, the worst mania of all--the mania for work.
+
+My good physician stripped me, pommelled me, stethoscoped me, made me
+say "99" when he had squeezed all the breath out of me (why "99"? Why
+not "98" or "4"?--he was testing internal rebellion), flashed a
+reflector under my eyes, seized a drumstick and hammered me under my
+knee-joints, sat upon me literally and figuratively, and told me to give
+up all food, drink, pleasure, and work for two months, which I did. My
+balance at the bankers' and my balance on the scales were both reduced
+considerably. I lost a good many pounds in weight and money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+My friends all assured me that I looked well, but I never felt so ill in
+all my life. If I was not ill, I ought to be. I tried to work, but broke
+down. I was idle in the mornings, in the evenings, and in the middle of
+the day as well, and it was a duty I owed to my doctor to collapse. So
+one day I forced myself into his consulting-room before a hundred
+patients waiting their turn, labelled "Well again." I pushed him into
+his chair, pommelled him 99 times, flashed my cane under his eyes,
+seized the poker and hammered him under his knee-joints, and told him I
+would get him six months' hard labour if he did not pronounce me
+sound,--he did.
+
+"You only want a tonic now, my dear fellow--a sea-trip!"
+
+"A _Teutonic_," I replied _Majestic_ally. "The very thing--sails
+to-morrow--a new berth--I'll be born again under a White Star--_au
+revoir_!"
+
+"Your prescription!" he called after me. "Take it, and if you value your
+life act up to it to the letter."
+
+It contained two words and no hieroglyphics. Those two words were--"No
+Work!"
+
+How I acted up to it the following pages will show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN ATLANTIC "GREYHOUND."]
+
+In strong contrast to the crowd and bustle at leaving in the afternoon
+is the quietude late in the evening. Many promenade up and down the
+beautiful deck under the electrically-lighted roof, and gaze upon the
+lights of many craft flitting to and fro in the gentle breeze like
+will-o'-the-wisps, postponing retiring, as they are not yet accustomed
+to the vibration of the Atlantic greyhound, which trembles underneath
+them as if, like the real greyhound in full cry after a hare, it is
+literally straining every muscle to beat the record from the Old World
+to the New.
+
+What a difference has taken place since those "good old days" of those
+good old wooden ships, with their good old slow passages and their good
+old uncomfortable berths! Now the state cabin is an apartment perfectly
+ventilated, gorgeously furnished, equipped with every modern
+improvement, and electrically lighted; the switches close to the bed
+(not berth) enable one to turn the light on or off at will. The
+ever-watchful attendant comes in, wishes me good-night, after folding my
+clothes, and departs. Leaving the incandescent light burning over my
+head, I open the book dealing with the wonders of America which I have
+taken from the well-stocked library, and read of great Americans, from
+Washington to the man who has brought this very light to such
+perfection, turning over page after page of well-nigh incredible
+description of the country which has raised the system of "booming" to a
+high art, till my brain reels with an Arabian Nightish flavour of
+exaggeration, and turning off the electric current, I am gradually
+lulled to sleep by the rhythmical vibrations of the steamer, the sole
+reminder that I am in reality sleeping upon a ship and about to enjoy a
+thorough week's rest.
+
+I awoke from the dreams in which I had pictured myself a veritable
+Columbus, and drawing aside the blind of my porthole, I looked out into
+the morning light, and was, perhaps, for a second surprised to see land.
+"Sandy Hook already! Can it be?" Well, hardly, just at present. Though
+who can tell but that in another fifty years it may be possible in the
+time? It is in reality the "Ould Counthry," and we are nearing
+Queenstown.
+
+There is a good muster at breakfast, and everyone is smiling, having had
+at least one good night's rest on the voyage. The waters skirting the
+Irish coast sometimes outdo the fury of the broad Atlantic, and are
+generally just as troubled and combatant as the fiery political elements
+on the little island; but so far we have had a perfect passage, and the
+beautiful bay of Queenstown looks more charming than ever as the engines
+stop for a short period before their five days' incessant activity to
+follow.
+
+Not only the ship, but the doctor, comes from the Emerald Isle. Who
+crossing the Atlantic does not know the witty Dr.----? "Ah, shure, me
+darlin', and isn't it himself that's a broth av a bhoy?" And so he is,
+simply bubbling over with humour and good-nature. Presiding at one end
+of the long table, I have to pass him as I leave the saloon. Having
+sketched Irish scenery and Irish character in my youth, I am not tempted
+to open my forbidden sketch-book; but somehow or other I find myself
+making a rapid sketch of the Doctor as he rises from his seat at the end
+of the table to wish the "top of the mornin'" to a lady who sits on his
+right. My excuse is to send it to his friend, my doctor in London. Then,
+without thinking, I sketch in a few other passengers, and instinctively
+make a note of the surroundings. I confess I am already guilty of
+breaking my pledge! And, therefore, make my escape on deck.
+
+The huge steamer seems to act as a sort of magnet on the small fry of
+the harbour, for they rush out to her from the land in all their sorts
+and sizes, in a desperate race for supremacy. Prominent among this fleet
+is a long, ungainly rowing-boat propelled by a tough Hibernian, and
+seated in the stern are his women folk, surrounded by baskets, who, in
+strong Milesian vernacular, urge the rower on in his endeavours to reach
+the ship first. Looked down upon them from your floating tower, they
+strongly resemble a swarm of centipedes. Harder and harder pull the
+"bhoys," and louder and louder comes the haranguing of the females as
+they approach us. I have my eye on the lady in the stern of the first
+boat. She is fair, fat, and forty, possessed of really massive
+proportions, most powerful lungs, and a true Irish physiognomy--a cast
+of countenance in which it always strikes me that Nature had originally
+forgotten the nasal organ, and then returning to complete the work had
+taken between finger and thumb a piece of flesh and pinched it, thus
+forming the nose rather high up on the face, while the waste of material
+below goes to make the upper lip.
+
+[Illustration: THE SALOON OF THE _TEUTONIC_. THE FIRST MORNING AT
+BREAKFAST.]
+
+The puller of the stroke oar is probably her husband, two others are
+wielded evidently by her two sons, and the bow is taken by her strapping
+daughter. One of her arms encircles the merchandise she intends to
+dispose of on board our vessel, while the other vigorously helps to
+propel the oar held by her brawny husband. All the while she is urging
+on her crew in her native language, with what may be commands,
+exhortations, or even blessings, but sounding to the unaccustomed Saxon
+ear very much like curses, which chase one another out of her capacious
+mouth with a rapidity unequalled by even an irritated monkey at the Zoo.
+
+[Illustration: AT QUEENSTOWN--A REMINISCENCE.]
+
+Their lumbering craft is the first to touch the side of the _Teutonic_.
+Standing up in the boat, the good old lady exerts her vocal powers on
+the crew on the lower deck, with the result that a rope fully fifty feet
+long is thrown in her direction, having a loop on the end of it, by
+which she is lassoed. With an agility only acquired after years of
+practice, she adjusts the loop rapidly round her, and calls on the crew
+to hoist away. The boat heels over to one side as she vigorously pushes
+herself away from it, and souse the old dame goes up to her waist in the
+water; the good-natured sailors give an extra jerk, and up she comes,
+with baskets tied round her waist, and her feet acting as fenders
+against the side of the ship. Fortunately the _Teutonic_ is bulky enough
+to resist heeling over under this extra weight on the starboard side.
+She is shipped like a bale of goods, and is immediately engaged in
+discharging some more of her loquacity in directing the acrobatic
+performances of her daughter, who is the next to ascend.
+
+This scene caused much laughter, and I was induced to make a sketch of
+the lady's acrobatic performance.
+
+The other maritime vendors are hauled up in similar unceremonious
+fashion, and they take possession of both decks. The pretty daughter of
+Erin lays out with no little artistic taste her bog-oak ornaments, and
+'Arry (for the _genus_ cad is to be encountered even on board such
+aristocratic ships as these) attempts to be rampantly facetious at her
+expense. But the damsel with the unkempt auburn locks flowing about her
+comely face, lit up by a pair of blue Irish eyes under their dark
+lashes, takes the cad's vulgarity together with his money, like the pill
+with the jam, giving in return the valueless pieces of carved wood,
+until her little stock is exhausted and a good morning's work is done.
+
+[Illustration: BOG-OAK SOUVENIRS.]
+
+On the lower deck trade is brisker. The emigrants (principally by this
+line Scandinavians, in their picturesque peasant dress, the Germans of
+course preferring to go by their own line, the North German Lloyd) are
+fitting on Tam o' Shanters of the crudest colours, scarves of hues that
+would cause the steamer's danger signals to turn pale, and eatables of
+all descriptions--I ought to say of all the worst descriptions.
+Unhealthy-looking cakes in which the currants are as scarce as Loyalists
+in the part of the country in which they are made, tinned meats and
+fruits that look suspiciously like condemned provisions or unsavoury
+salvage; in fact the only really genuine article of diet was that
+contained in the milk-pails. I may here remark that these alien steerage
+passengers don't really care for wholesome food. Nothing could be better
+than the excellent food prepared by the ship's steward, but these
+emigrants prefer to bring with them provisions that beggar description.
+
+All the time the Irish purveyors are emptying their baskets and filling
+their pockets, and rowing back to the shore enriched and delighted;
+their brothers and sisters are flowing up the gangway in a continual
+stream, with weeping eyes and breaking hearts at the thought of leaving
+their country perhaps for ever; and as soon as they are all on board,
+together with the mails, which have come overland to Queenstown, we up
+anchor, steam past Fastnet Rock, and soon the Old World is out of sight
+behind us.
+
+But all this is a thing of the past. Ladies are not now pulled up on to
+the deck, nor is the promenade turned into a miniature Irish fair. When
+last the boat stopped as usual in Queenstown bay I sadly missed the
+familiar scene, and having nothing better to do I went on shore. As a
+number of us strolled off the tender on which the mails were to return I
+noticed two men in ordinary dress standing some distance off, looking on
+at the scene. They were both fine specimens of humanity, each of them
+about six feet high. "Detectives," I whispered to one of my friends. And
+as we approached these gentlemen, I said to one of them, "Looking for
+anyone this morning?"
+
+"Not for you, Mr. Furniss."
+
+Considering I had never been in Queenstown in my life, that I had never
+been in the grip of these "sleuth-hounds" of the police, I must admit
+that the British detective is not so stupid as we generally imagine, for
+no doubt these men knew by telegraph the name of everybody on board and
+amused themselves by placing us as I had amused myself by placing them.
+
+The Captain generally has some voyager under his special care, and my
+vis-à-vis, his protégée upon this trip, was a most charming and
+delightful young lady on her way to rejoin her family in the Far West.
+The skipper's seat is vacant at breakfast time, and should the weather
+be rough, at the other meals also. If the elements are very boisterous,
+the "fiddles" are screwed on to the tables, and on them a lively tune
+is played by the jingling glasses and rattling cutlery to the erratic
+beating of the Atlantic wave. The Captain's right and left hand
+neighbours are exempt from the use of these appliances, and the small
+area caused by this is the only space in the yards and yards of table
+unencumbered by the "fiddles." The Captain scorns the aid of such
+mechanical contrivances, and chatters away unconcerned, gracefully
+balancing his soup-plate in his hands the while. I followed his example
+as one to the manner born, but had I not been a bit of an amateur
+conjuror I am afraid that I should not have been so successful. The
+Captain challenged me, however, to make a sketch with the same ease as I
+ate my dinner--and again I was forced to break my pledge!
+
+[Illustration: THE CAPTAIN'S TABLE.]
+
+It was amusing to listen to the petty jealousies and the little
+grumblings of those not satisfied with their lot at table. One lady
+stated as an excuse for having her meals in her cabin that her
+neighbour, a bagman--or "drummer," as Americans would call him--made a
+noise with his mouth while eating; and another lady elected to dine in
+her stateroom in solitude because in the saloon she had her back to a
+Bishop instead of her face!
+
+It was my good fortune to meet on board that most genial and gifted of
+men, "England's greatest tenor," Mr. Edward Lloyd, who under the
+management of that equally genial and energetic impresario, Mr. Vert,
+was on his way to charm the ears of our cousins on the other side. Then
+we had one of the greatest favourites in the sporting world, who was
+popping over, as he had been continually doing from his earliest youth,
+to look after his estates in his native country. From the Captain down
+to the under stokers he had been with all a familiar figure for many
+years, and he had a pleasant word and a shake of the hands for
+everybody. He could give you the straight tip for the Derby, was a fund
+of information anent the latest weights for the big handicaps, and on
+our arrival in the States it was with general satisfaction that we
+learnt that one of his horses had won a race while its owner was
+crossing the "Herring Pond."
+
+We had yet another celebrity on board in the person of the bright little
+Italian whose clever caricatures, especially those of Newmarket and
+Newmarket celebrities, so delight us in the pages of _Vanity Fair_ over
+the _nom de crayon_ "Lib." I think he caused us as much amusement as his
+sketches, caricaturing everybody on board, not even excepting himself,
+whom he most truthfully depicted as a common or barn owl. Or was it I
+who drew him as the owl? I forget. But I do know that he looked
+uncommonly like one as a rule, for he used to lie wrapped in his
+Inverness upon a deck chair, his face only visible, with pallid cheeks
+and distended eyes, and I did more than one caricature of him for his
+fair admirers. That was on the rough days, for like a great many
+foreigners, and English people too for the matter of that, he was a bad
+sailor. Fortunately for me, I am a hardened sailor, and as such cannot
+feel the amount of consideration I should otherwise do for those less
+lucky than myself.
+
+When the weather was calm I used to notice my Italian friend seated,
+surrounded by the ladies, with an air of triumph and a smile upon his
+intelligent visage. He was having his revenge! When he was not
+sketching, he was playing chess with the Captain.
+
+Now this commander was a captain from the top of his head to the soles
+of his feet. A stern disciplinarian, erect, handsome, uncommunicative,
+not a better officer ever stood on the bridge of an Atlantic or any
+other liner. He had a contempt for the "Herring Pond," and manipulated
+one of these floating hotels with as much ease as one would handle a toy
+boat. "When a navigator's duty's to be done," he was _par excellence_ a
+modern Cæsar, but despite his sternness he had a sense of humour, and
+his unbending moments struck one with an emphasised surprise.
+
+[Illustration: NOT UP IN A BALLOON.]
+
+He could not bear a bore. Those fussy landlubbers who are always tapping
+the barometers, asking questions of every member of the crew, testing,
+sounding, and finding fault with the weather chart, had better steer
+clear of the worthy Captain, as with hands thrust deep in his pockets he
+strides from one end of the deck to the other during the course of his
+constitutional. It is on record that one of these fussy individuals,
+edging up to a well-known Captain as he was going on to the bridge when
+a mist was gathering, and the siren was about to blow as customary when
+entering on an Atlantic fog, remarked:
+
+"Captain, Captain, can't you see that it is quite clear overhead?"
+
+The Captain turned on his heel to ascend to the bridge, and scornfully
+rejoined:
+
+"Yes, sir, yes, sir; but can't you see that I am not navigating a
+balloon?"
+
+On one occasion the Captain had been through a terribly stormy afternoon
+and night, and had not quitted his post on the bridge for one minute,
+the weather being awful. Fogs, icebergs, and the elements all combined
+to make it a most anxious time for the one man in charge of the valuable
+vessel and her cargo of 1,700 souls, and during the whole period the
+unflinching skipper had not tasted a mouthful of food. The Captain's
+boy, feeling for his master, had from time to time endeavoured with some
+succulent morsel to make him break his long fast; but the firm face of
+the Captain was set, his eyes were fixed straight ahead, and his ears
+were deaf to the lad's appeal. It was breakfast time when the boy once
+more ventured to ask the Captain if he could bring him something to eat.
+This time he got an answer.
+
+"Yes," growled the Captain, "bring me two larks' livers on toast!"
+
+These Atlantic Captains of the older school were a hardened and humorous
+lot of navigators, and many a story of their eccentricity survives them:
+one in particular of an old Captain seeing the terror of the junior
+officer during that nervous ordeal of treading the bridge for the first
+time with him. This particular old salt, after a painful silence, turned
+on the young man and said, "I like you. I'm very much impressed by you.
+I've heard a lot about you--in fact, my dear sir, I should like to have
+your photograph. You skip down and get it."
+
+The nervous and delighted youth rushed off to his cabin, and informed
+his brother officers of the compliment the old man had just paid him. He
+was in luck's way, and running gaily up on to the bridge, presented his
+photograph, blushing modestly, to the old salt.
+
+"'Umph! Got a pin with you?"
+
+"Ye--es, sir."
+
+"Ah, see! I pin you up on the canvas here. I can look at you there and
+admire you. You can go, sir; your photograph is just as valuable as you
+appear to be on the bridge. Good morning."
+
+The Captain of the ship I was on had his chessmen pegged, and holes in
+the board into which to place them, so that despite any oscillations of
+the ship they would remain in their places; but the unfortunate part of
+the business was that although he could provide sea-legs for his
+chessmen it was more than he could do for his opponent, and it was as
+good as a play to see Signor "Lib" hiding from the Captain when the
+weather was not all it might be, and he in consequence felt anything but
+well. One mate after another would be despatched with the strictest
+orders from the Captain to search for the cheerless chessite; but after
+a time the Captain's patience would be exhausted, his strident voice
+could be heard calling upon the caricaturist to come forth and show
+himself, and eventually he might be seen _en route_ to his cabin with
+the box of chessmen under one arm and his opponent under the other.
+
+[Illustration: CHESS.]
+
+I was cruel enough on more than one occasion to follow them and witness
+the sequel.
+
+"Your move, now--your move!"
+
+"Ah, Captain! I do veel zo ill! Ze ship it do go up and down, up and
+down, until I do not know vich is ze bishop and vich is ze queen!"
+
+"Nonsense, sir, nonsense! Your move--look sharp, and I'll soon have you
+mated!"
+
+The poor artist _did_ move, and quickly too, but it was to the outside
+of the cabin!
+
+The Captain was triumphant at table, telling us of his victory, but his
+poor opponent could only point to his untouched plate and to the waves
+dashing against the portholes, and with that shrug of the shoulders, so
+suggestive to witness but so difficult to describe, would thus in dumb
+show explain the cause of his defeat.
+
+I remember well on one beautiful afternoon, the sky bright and the sea
+calm, just before the pilot came on board when we were nearing the
+States, Signor Prosperi (for that was his name) came up to me, his face
+the very embodiment of triumph:
+
+"Ah, I have beaten ze Captain at last--_but ze sea is smooth_!"
+
+On the outward voyage, as I said before, we had a host in Mr. Edward
+Lloyd, but he was under contract not to warble until a certain day which
+had been fixed in New York, and no doubt his presence had a deterrent
+effect upon the amateur talent, with the exception of one lady, who came
+up to Mr. Lloyd and said:
+
+"You really _must_ sing;--you really _must_!"
+
+"I am very sorry, madam, but I really can't--I am not my own master in
+this matter."
+
+"Oh, but you must," she rejoined. "I have promised that if you will
+sing, _I_ will!"
+
+An American who had "made his pile," as the Yankees say, remarked to the
+hard-worked vocalist:
+
+"I think, sir, that as you are endowed with such a beautiful voice you
+ought by it to benefit such a deserving entertainment as this."
+
+"Certainly," replied the world-famed tenor. "My fee for singing is fifty
+guineas, and I will be pleased to oblige the company if you will pay a
+cheque for that amount into the sailors' fund."
+
+[Illustration: MR. LLOYD AND THE LADY. "IF YOU WILL SING, _I_ WILL!"]
+
+And, in my opinion, a right good answer too. These middle-men and their
+wives and daughters are always pestering professional men to give their
+services to charities for nothing, but in cases like the one I have just
+cited they take very good care that they do not unloosen their own
+purse-strings to help the cause along and equalise the obligation.
+
+However the concert took place, and I, unable to resist the flattering
+request to "do something," and not being prohibited from taking part--as
+Mr. Lloyd was--made several sketches, just to keep my hand in, and they
+were raffled for.
+
+All goes well and smoothly on the voyage until one night you are
+awakened by a harsh, grating, shrieking sound. You start from your
+slumbers, and for a moment imagine that in reality you are in the
+interior of some fearsome ocean monster, who is bellowing either in rage
+or fear, for the sound is unique in its wild hideousness, half a screech
+and half a wail, aggressive and yet mournful. Your ears have just
+recovered from the first shock when they are assaulted by another, and
+yet another, at intervals of about a minute. It is the voice of the
+siren. Was ever a more inappropriate name bestowed upon the steam
+whistle of an Atlantic liner? It conveys to me the news that we are
+passing through an Atlantic fog, and I defy anyone, be they in the most
+perfect ship, under the safest of commanders, to feel comfortable in
+such circumstances. The siren still wails, and like Ulysses and his
+companions I feel very much inclined to stuff my ears with wax. Indeed,
+peering out of my porthole through the mist, I almost seem to see the
+figures of the mythological voyager and his companions carved in ice, no
+doubt beguiled by the treacherous music of the siren. These are in
+reality our main terrors, the icebergs.
+
+[Illustration: THE AMERICAN PILOT--IDEAL.]
+
+It is a relief when we have left them behind and evaded the clutches of
+the demon fog, and the fresh breeze and the glorious sun lend a new
+beauty to the sparkling water, showing us in the distance white specks
+skimming over the waves like gulls, the first sign that we are
+approaching land--the white gleaming wings of the pilot yachts.
+
+[Illustration: THE AMERICAN PILOT--REAL.]
+
+Signals are exchanged, and one of these boats comes nearer and nearer to
+us, tacking to perfection. Through our glasses we already seem to see
+the stalwart figure of the pilot standing in the stern. On his brow he
+wears a storm-defying cap, the badge of the warrior of the waves; the
+loose shirt, the top boots, and the weather-beaten jacket all combine to
+make up a picturesque figure, and I sketched what seemed to me to be the
+figure of the man who was coming on board to guide us to the Hook of
+Sandy. As the little vessel approaches us the intervening sail hides
+from my view the figure of the one man I want to see. A boat is lowered
+from the side of the pilot boat, into which two sailors descend. Who on
+earth is this who steps in after them and takes the rudder lines? He
+sports a top hat, kid gloves, and patent shoes. Is he a commercial
+traveller? He looks it. He is rowed to the side of the steamer, and then
+the fun begins. A rope ladder is lowered from the deck, which is
+immediately clutched by one of the oarsmen in the boat, and this
+commonplace commercial scrambles towards it. Just then a wave breaks
+over him, and more like a drowned excursionist than an American pilot
+this little man is hauled on board.
+
+I think a great deal of the Atlantic, but I am sorely disappointed with
+the American pilot.
+
+The Americans pride themselves upon their independence, and surely a
+more independent race never existed. The brow-beaten Britisher is not
+long in finding this out, and in my case it was most clearly
+demonstrated to me at the first stoppage of the steamer after leaving
+Queenstown. After our headlong race across the broad Atlantic, after
+every nut and screw in the vessel has been strained to save every
+particle of time, and every moment watched and calculated, here at the
+mouth of the Hudson, in sight of the colossal statue of Liberty, we are
+kept waiting under a broiling sun on a beautiful day for an
+unconscionable time whilst forsooth the health officer or his
+subordinate is enjoying his lunch. Fancy 1,700 foreigners being kept
+waiting because a paid official--paid by the shipowners of
+England--wishes to satisfy his selfish greediness!
+
+I watched for this gentleman as he crawled on board, having come across
+eventually from his riparian villa. There were no apologies (Americans
+never apologise). I don't know the gentleman's name, but here I show you
+his face. His check I have described already.
+
+Now that I have touched on America itself, I wish it to be understood
+that it is not my intention to look out for and comment upon the faults
+of our American cousins, but rather in describing my all too brief
+visits to a charming people in a charming country to deal with their
+merits. But it is proverbial that first impressions are everything, and
+the first I received of official America, in the person of this
+particular individual, was the only instance I saw which would not
+compare favourably with the red-tapeism of our own country. And I must
+say, from what I was told even by Americans themselves, that the worst
+side of their countrymen is to be seen where the official department is
+concerned, and to illustrate this I shall still stick to the official
+(or his representative, whichever it was) that I have just been
+describing.
+
+[Illustration: THE HEALTH OFFICER COMES ON BOARD.]
+
+The ship which followed that in which I came over brought from England
+some persons who were at the time the talk of American society. They had
+been connected with some gigantic scandal, and the interviewers,
+scenting copy from afar, were ready to spring upon them. Of course, it
+was known that it was to the interest of the reporters (and they were
+only doing their duty) to get on board at Sandy Hook, and to frustrate
+them a special steamer was sent down with instructions to the captain of
+the liner that no one was to accompany the officer of health on board.
+The medical officer came in his tug with the whole batch of reporters,
+and declared that he would not permit the vessel to proceed into port
+unless his friends were allowed on board. The almighty dollar had
+polluted officialism, and disclosed to the incoming strangers that the
+huge statue of Liberty before them, which held on high the torch of
+advancement and enlightenment, was really a snare and a delusion, at any
+rate as far as red-tapeism was concerned.
+
+And so I arrived after a week's thorough rest, with my sketch-book full!
+I could not help breaking my pledge; it was my first trip across the
+Atlantic, and everything was therefore new and interesting. In fact, so
+was all I saw in the States, and my pencil was always busy. I was
+looking forward to a genuine rest on my return journey, but it happened
+to be in the crowded season, and the ship was so full I was asked, as a
+particular favour to "a very distinguished cleric," to share my cabin
+with him.
+
+[Illustration: JUST IN TIME!]
+
+The departure of an Atlantic liner has a great attraction on both sides
+of the "Herring Pond," but there is a difference. Passengers leaving
+England are surrounded with cheap and vulgar literature, newspapers,
+guide-books, sticks, and umbrellas. Leaving America, the liner is turned
+into a floating flower show. Most beautiful bouquets labelled with the
+names of the lady passengers are on view in the saloon. Just as the last
+gangway is drawn on to the shore, amid cries of "Clear away!" we hear
+suddenly "Hold hard!" There is a commotion. Someone has not yet arrived;
+we lean over the side of the ship to see who is coming. Perhaps it is an
+important emissary of the Government, or even the President himself. We
+all push forward; the stalwart New York police keep back the crowd; the
+crew of the good ship _Majestic_ hold the gangway in its place as the
+centre of attraction trips gaily up it. It is a diminutive nigger
+messenger from a florist's, with a huge bouquet of flowers. I imagine I
+see my own name on the label, so I modestly seclude myself in my own
+cabin, whence I only emerge after we have passed Bartholdi's colossal
+figure, just to have one last peep at the country in which I have stored
+up such pleasant memories.
+
+[Illustration: "A FLOATING FLOWER SHOW."]
+
+By this time the bouquets of the flower show had been transferred to the
+cabins of their owners. I may mention, by the way, that the cynical lady
+on board, who wore a solitary bunch of faded violets in her dress,
+informed me that most of the ladies paid for the bouquets themselves,
+and had them sent on board with their names attached. I don't wish to
+seem egotistical, but I know that when I went back to my own cabin I
+found the greatest difficulty in forcing the door open. There was a huge
+bundle of something or other pressing against it. A fragrant scent was
+wafted through the opening, which sent a thrill through me. It must be
+the big bouquet! I gave one final shove, burst the door open, and
+discovered the bouquet to be a bishop, who was scenting his handkerchief
+at the time with otto of roses. It was worth the journey to America to
+have the honour of sharing a cabin with a bishop on the return journey.
+But what a contrast between us! What a theme for W. S. Gilbert! _Punch_
+and the pulpit rocked together in the cradle of the deep!
+
+When I first came on board I made arrangements at once with the bath
+steward, and, being rather an early bird, I fixed my time to be called
+at seven o'clock. When I retired to the cabin I found the worthy bishop
+(he is now Lord Primate of Ireland) looking plaintively at his berth.
+Like all on board it was roomy and comfortable, but probably Sir Edward
+Harland had not taken the portly prelate (who, by the way, is almost a
+neighbour of his) as a gauge for the size of the berths. Mine was, if
+anything, a trifle larger, so I respectfully invited the bishop to
+change with me.
+
+[Illustration: THE BATH STEWARD AND THE BISHOP. "YOUR TIME, SIR! YOUR
+TIME!"]
+
+I was awakened next morning by assault and battery being committed on
+the poor bishop, of which I was the innocent cause. An athletic-looking
+man, with a white jacket, and sleeves rolled up to his elbows, was
+shaking the very life out of my clerical friend and shouting "Seven
+o'clock! Your time, sir! Seven o'clock! Your time!" The bishop looked
+something like a criminal sentenced to death must do when the hangman
+awakes him on the fatal morning, and I had to explain to the bath
+steward that we had changed berths, and that in future No. 2 was to be
+awakened instead of No. 1.
+
+Perhaps it is not generally known that suicide is nearly as prevalent as
+_mal de mer_ amongst these Americans who are rushing over for a few
+weeks' repose. They work at such a fearful rate, slaves to that
+insatiable god the almighty dollar, that eventually they either have to
+fly to a lunatic asylum or an Atlantic liner. After a day or two on the
+latter the calm and repose and the vast sea around them prove too much
+of an antidote; the overtaxed brain gives way, and overboard they go.
+An Englishman is too fond of exercise to allow high pressure to get the
+better of him in this way, and the difference between English and
+American people on these liners is most marked. Directly an American
+family comes on board they select places for their deck chairs, which,
+except for meals, they never leave. From early morning until late at
+night, much to the astonishment of the Americans, the English
+passengers--men, women, and children--pace the deck as if it were a
+go-as-you-please contest for immense prizes. Being a good sailor but a
+bad sleeper, I think I fairly qualified for first prize. Morning, noon,
+and night, round and round those magnificent decks I went, to the
+disgust and envy of those who could not move off their deck chairs, and
+who loathed the very sight of me.
+
+[Illustration: AMERICANS AND ENGLISH ON DECK.]
+
+It so happened that together with a few other privileged passengers I
+dined a little later than the rest, so I had an opportunity of observing
+the weak ones suffering on deck whilst others were struggling with their
+meals below, and I promenaded round that deck, battling with the
+elements to get an extra edge on my excellent appetite. I remember that
+when passing some ladies on my way down to dinner, they feebly
+endeavouring to eat a biscuit or two and drink a glass of champagne, one
+turned her pallid face to another and murmured, "I _am_ so glad that
+energetic little man has been obliged to give in at last!"
+
+They ought to have seen me at the table half-an-hour afterwards, that's
+all!
+
+That reminds me of my friend poor Alfred Cellier, who was wintering in
+the South once at the same time as we were there for my wife's health. I
+was returning from a meet one day, hot and mud-bespattered, when I met
+the talented musician walking feebly along in the sun with his furs on.
+He called to me to stop, which I did, and his dreamy, good-natured face
+assumed a most malevolent expression as he hissed at me, "I hate you! I
+hate you! _You look so beastly healthy._"
+
+Even on board ship the American still clings to his iced water, but some
+think it is time to train for the European habit of taking wine at
+dinner. I noticed a Westerner who with his wife was sitting down for
+probably the first time to _table d'hôte_. He took up the wine list, and
+went right through the sherries, hocks, clarets, champagnes, and even
+liqueurs. Now at the end of the wine lists on these vessels there is
+appended a list of various mineral waters. The names of these (or was it
+the price?) seemed to take the fancy of the American. "I guess this
+_Hunyadi Janos_ sounds well--I calculate if you put a bottle of that on
+ice it'll do us just right."
+
+Sailors are superstitious. Some will, or used to, rob themselves of the
+necessities of life to purchase a baby's "caul," and wear it around
+their neck as a charm.
+
+To sail out of harbour on a Friday was unheard of. In these days of
+science, days in which steam has driven the old frigate-rigged sailing
+ships from the seas, one would have thought that superstition would have
+vanished with the old hulks, and that in the floating palaces crossing
+the Atlantic, in which longshoremen take the place of old-time sea-dogs,
+charms and omens would have lost their power. Yet sailor superstitions
+are as hard to kill even in these gorgeous up-to-date liners as it is to
+exterminate the rats in the hold or the cockroaches in the larder.
+
+The last journey I made to America was in the favourite liner the
+_Germanic_. I was chatting to one of the crew, an old salt, the day we
+left Queenstown; he was looking out to sea; his brow was clouded, and he
+shook his head mournfully.
+
+"Are we in for a bad passage?" I asked.
+
+"Don't know yet, sir; aren't seen all them on board yet. We had a
+terrible passage the week afore last goin' East, but I expected it. We
+'ad an Archbishop on board!"
+
+I informed him that on the present journey we had two priests on board,
+and two professional atheists--"so what kind of passage were we to
+expect?"
+
+After a moment's serious thought the mariner replied, "I think, sir, we
+may reckon we shall have an average." And curious to relate we did.
+
+The two Freethinkers who thus balanced the ecclesiastics were Messrs.
+Foote and Watts, who were on a mission to America to induce Colonel
+Robert G. Ingersoll to visit England.
+
+The stranger in America, if he be a public man in his own country, is
+treated like a suspected criminal. Every movement is watched, every
+action reported, and as he passes from city to city a description and
+report precedes him, and there is an eye, or rather a couple of dozen
+eyes, to mark his coming and grow keener when he comes.
+
+But he is watched by friends, not by detectives, and his actions are
+reported in public prints, not in private ledgers. It is not the arm of
+the law, but the hand of friendship, that shadows him, and those
+stereotyped passports to friendship, letters of introduction from
+friends at home, are as needless to introduce him as a life-preserver or
+a Colt's revolver to protect him. He had better amuse himself while in
+mid-ocean by presenting them to the porpoises that dive and splutter
+round the ship, for the only object they will accomplish will be the
+filling of his waste-paper basket on his return home.
+
+[Illustration: AMERICAN INTERVIEWING--IMAGINARY.]
+
+[Illustration: AMERICAN INTERVIEWING--REAL.]
+
+Major Hospitality arrested me the moment I arrived, and handed me over
+to the Inky Inquisition--eight gentlemen of the Press--who placed me on
+the interviewer's rack at the demand of insatiable modern journalism. I
+scraped through the ordeal as well as could be expected in the
+circumstances, considering I hadn't yet acquired my land-legs. The
+raging waves may roar their loudest, and the stormy winds may blow their
+hardest, but they don't affect me. It is only when I find myself on
+_terra firma_ once more that I feel any effects from an ocean trip. For
+the benefit of those who are subject to _mal de mer_ I will disclose my
+prescription to act as a reliable safeguard, and that is to mesmerise
+yourself so that once on board no sensations seem to you strange or
+unwonted. The only drawback is that I have not yet discovered how to
+unmesmerise myself, although my theory worked splendidly when on board,
+so that when I get on shore I feel as if I were still on the sea. I am
+always ducking breakers, descending companion ladders, and I roll across
+the street as if it were the deck of a liner. Every building I enter
+seems to be rocking up and down, up and down, and as on the occasion I
+refer to I sat before the knights of the quill to be cross-examined, I
+felt as if I were in the cabin of a ship rather than in my own room at
+the hotel, and that the books on the table were in reality fiddles to
+keep the glasses and other things from falling off.
+
+It is, therefore, not to be wondered at that the next day I find myself
+described as "not a well man," although "his face is ruddy," and "his
+blue eyes have a tired look and his hand is not so steady as it might
+be." I would like to know whose hand would be steady if, after six days
+of Atlantic travel, he was landed to find himself suddenly confronted
+with eight talented gentlemen, cross-questioning him _ad lib._,
+measuring the length of his foot, counting the buttons on his coat, and
+the hairs on his head, and if, after his tiring journey, he happened to
+yawn, looking to see whether he had false teeth or not!
+
+And then to be handed a bad pen and worse paper, and have to draw
+pictures in pen and ink, in the space of five minutes, for the eight
+gentlemen who were watching to see "how it's done"! I have sketched
+crowned heads on their thrones, bishops in their pulpits, thieves in
+their dens, and beauties in their drawing-rooms; but I never felt such
+nervousness as I did when I had to caricature myself on the occasion of
+my first experience of American interviewing.
+
+In my seeing America in a hurry, I addressed the reporters somewhat in
+this fashion:
+
+"I am not disappointed with anything I have seen. I was told that I
+would find the worst-paved streets in the world. I have found them. I
+was told that I would see unsightly, old-fashioned telegraph-poles
+sticking up in the streets. I have seen them. I was told that I would
+have to pay a small fortune for my cab from the docks to my hotel. I
+have paid it. I was told that a newspaper reporter would ask me what I
+thought of America as soon as I landed. I am asked that question by
+eight gentlemen of the Press; indeed, I was interrogated upon that point
+by the representative of a leading American paper before I left the
+shores of England. I was told that I would find the most charming and
+best-dressed women in the world. That promise is more than realised.
+
+[Illustration: "SANDY."]
+
+"I find New York as bright as Paris, as busy as London, as interesting
+as Rome, and, in fact, I am so delighted and bewildered with everybody
+and everything that, like the old lady's parrot, I don't say much, but I
+think a deal; and now my difficulty is to convey those thoughts to the
+public through the medium of your valuable papers."
+
+Scores of Columbuses arrive at Sandy Hook every week to discover America
+for themselves, from Charles Columbus Dickens to Rudyard Columbus
+Kipling, to say nothing of Tom, Dick, Harry Columbus Brown, Jones,
+Robinson. It is hardly fair to say that they go over with their pockets
+full of letters of introduction to their American cousins, who receive
+them with open arms and unlimited hospitality, and then that these Toms,
+Dicks, and Harrys bring back in exchange notes for columns of ridicule
+and abuse of their Transatlantic friends. If our Americans _have_ a
+fault, it is a very slight one. They are too sensitive. They seem to
+forget that they receive and honour some of our countrymen as critics
+and satirists, but they expect that on leaving their shores their late
+guests will wash off the critical and satirical sides of their natures
+just as an actor removes his paint and make-up on leaving the boards.
+
+Americans, both publicly and privately, are incessantly interviewing the
+stranger: "What do you think of our great country? What do you think of
+ourselves?" They live in a glass house filled with forced young plants,
+from out of which house they may throw stones at the stranger, but woe
+betide the critic who has the temerity to cast one in return. He gets
+his impressions from the hothouse society snobs reared in the hotels of
+the cities, the dollar worshipper, the vulgar millionaire, made more
+obnoxious by the newer European importation, happily a plant not true to
+the American soil. We strangers too often see but the cut flowers,
+showy, glaring, to-day; jaded, gone to-morrow. We do not see the
+cultured orchid or the natural wild flowers of America, for the simple
+reason we do not look for them in seeing that wonderful country in a
+hurry.
+
+My first impression of New York was that of a faded back-cloth in a
+melodrama; but when you get upon the stage, or, in other words, into the
+streets, you find yourself amid a transformation scene of wonderful
+activity and brilliancy. Some of the streets, in fact most of them in
+which business is transacted, resemble strongly the shop scenes in
+harlequinades, for the Americans have carried advertising so far that
+their streets of shops, and especially those in New York, are simply
+museums of grotesque advertisement.
+
+Gigantic hands advertising gloves, huge hats, boots, and animals form a
+heterogeneous collection of anything but beautiful models, gilded and
+painted in all the most flaming colours, piled on top of each other on
+every house from street level to attic, each tradesman vieing with the
+other in screeching to the public to "Buy! buy!! buy!!!" by means of the
+curiosities and monstrosities of the advertiser's art.
+
+A few years ago a celebrated Continental authoress came to London for
+the first time, in the height of the season, to stay a week in order to
+get her impressions for a book she was writing, in which the heroine had
+flown to London for that period of time. She went everywhere and saw
+everything; just before she left London I asked her what had impressed
+her most of all she had seen. In reply she said, "The fact that the
+drivers of public vehicles never cracked their whips!"
+
+If I were asked what impressed me most about New York, I should not say
+Brooklyn Bridge, or Wall Street, or the Elevated Railway, but the number
+of chiropodists' advertisements! They confront you at every turn; these
+huge gilded models of feet outside the chiropodists' establishments,
+some painted realistically and many adorned with bunions, are destined
+to meet your eye as you stroll through the streets. Should you look up,
+you will see them suspended from the first floor window, or painted on
+canvas on the front of the house. Avoid the shops altogether, and you
+are bound to knock up against some gentleman in the gutter encased in a
+long white waterproof, on which is portrayed the inevitable foot and the
+name and address of the chiropodist.
+
+[Illustration: CHIROPODY.]
+
+Now why is this? The Americans have pretty feet and small hands, both
+men and women. Is it vanity, and do they squeeze their feet into boots
+too small for them, or are their pedal coverings badly made, or does the
+secret lie in the rough pavements of their thoroughfares? I am glad to
+say that I never required the services of a foot doctor, but I know that
+my feet have ached many and many a time after promenading the New York
+pathways.
+
+New York ought to be called New Trilby.
+
+I was offered more than once an open cheque which I might fill in to
+cover all my expenses from the time I left England until I reached the
+shores of the Old Country again if I would supply a journal with _one
+page_ of impressions of America illustrated. A suggestion of this sort
+in an English newspaper office would have just about the same effect as
+a big canister of dynamite! I didn't accept any of these tempting
+offers. I didn't go to the States on my first visit to paint glaring
+pictures, or to make up stories, or to marry an American heiress, nor
+did I go in search of the almighty dollar. I simply went as a tourist in
+search of health, and with the desire of shaking hands with my many
+friends on the other side.
+
+[Illustration: "NEW TRILBY."]
+
+I was therefore extremely annoyed on my arrival to find the
+irrepressible lecture agent, Major Pond, had coolly announced that I was
+going over to him, and he had actually taken rooms for me at the Everett
+House! Of course I informed the interviewers that I was not going to
+tour with Pond or to make money in any way. I was merely a bird of
+passage, a _rara avis_, a visitor without an eye on the almighty dollar.
+
+After I returned to England an irresponsible paragraphist informed the
+American public that I went home determined to give it to them hot. This
+contradiction of mine appeared, and was sent to me by the Major. Note in
+it I contradict his report that I went over in his interests.
+
+
+[Illustration: AMIABLE MR. HENRY FURNISS.
+
+The London Punch Cartoonist Denies Certain
+Unfriendly Reports.
+
+To the Editor of The Sun--Sir: Paragraphs
+have appeared in some American papers to the
+effect that I "went home determined to give
+it to New York and the Americans hot." I can
+only suppose that this is invented for the purpose
+of firing off a very feeble joke upon my
+name at the sacrifice of the truth, for I had a
+most pleasant time in America, and have
+brought back with me most agreeable reminiscences,
+which I intend to publish.
+
+Will you be kind enough to contradict this
+unfair insinuation, and also the incorrect surmise
+that I went to the States to the interest
+of any paper or person? I simply made the
+journey in search of health, and not interest
+of the almighty dollar.
+
+By the way, before the end of the year I may
+contribute to London Punch a few pages from
+my well-stocked American sketch book. Faithfully
+yours,
+
+Harry Furniss.
+Garrick Club, London, July, 1892.]
+
+Major Pond is a typical American, hospitable, kind, with an eye for
+business, but I do not appear in his entertaining book, nor was I ever
+on his business books either. He sat for me on the shoeblack's street
+chair outside his office when I made a sketch of him, and he was so
+obliging I believe he would have stood on his head if I had asked him.
+He managed to get me to stand in front of the camera, but not in front
+of an audience.
+
+Some day I shall write a paper entitled "Photographers I Have Met," for
+few people have faced the fire of the camera oftener than I. I am not a
+fashionable beauty, nor much of a celebrity, neither am I honestly a
+vain man--I shrink from the rays of the too truthful lens--but I have
+been dragged into the line of fire and held there until the deed is
+done, like an unwilling convict. In nearly every town I have visited
+have I undergone this operation, and the result is a collection of
+criminal-looking, contorted countenances of a description seldom seen
+outside the museum of a police station.
+
+[Illustration: MAJOR POND.]
+
+I was therefore determined not to incur this risk in America.
+Photographers sent their cards, but they saw me not (perhaps if they
+had they would have repented of their invitation). However, one day I
+was secured by stratagem.
+
+I was walking along Union Square with Major Pond, whose martial bearing
+impressed me as much as his 'cuteness fascinated me. He had that morning
+heard of my determination not to be photographed, and as he walked along
+he suddenly stepped into a doorway, his arm in mine, touched a button in
+a side panel, down rushed an elevator, the door was flung open, and I
+was flung in. "Sarony," said the Major, and up, up, up we flew.
+
+"The photographer?" I asked hurriedly.
+
+"The artist," the Major replied; "one of the greatest flesh drawers"
+(nude studies) "we have in this gr--e--a--t country, sir. Here he is,
+deaf to everything but art, and to everyone but artists."
+
+Who can say photography is not high art when you have to go up seven
+stories to it?
+
+I now stood before the greatest photographer in the world--and the
+smallest. I stood--he danced. He talked--I listened.
+
+"Come here," he cried; "you are an artist--you can understand
+genius--you can appreciate my work."
+
+And he produced from a portfolio a quantity of studies, or, as the Major
+would call them, "flesh drawings," prettily touched in with the stump
+and chalk with a _chic_ familiar to those who know the facility of the
+French school. He patted me on the shoulder, kissed his hand to his
+work, and fell into raptures over the human form divine with an
+earnestness which showed him to be a true artist. With his sitter in
+front of him he was even more enthusiastic, placing you into position,
+and striking attitudes in front of you till you felt inclined to dance
+"Ta ra ra boom de ay" instead of remaining rigid. I pointed out to him
+that my hair being of an auburn hue, that on my chin and the remnant on
+my head came out black.
+
+"Ah, we shall alter that," he said, and he powdered my head. "And now to
+counteract that--here goes!" and with some soot or charcoal he touched
+over the scanty parts on my "dome of thought." During this process I
+noticed that his own luxurious head of hair was not a fixture. He wore a
+fez, and as he paused and pirouetted and struck attitudes, he would
+pull the fez over one eye coquettishly, or over the other one
+ferociously, and with it went his hair, parting and all. It is no wonder
+this energetic photographer was so successful with the instantaneous
+process, or that he so cleverly caught in the lens theatrical dancers
+and others in motion to perfection. Of the most successful of his photos
+that I saw was that of a row of comedians dancing together, and although
+I was not present at the moment the photograph was taken, I have no
+doubt, from the pleasant smile of their faces and their artistic poses,
+that all credit was due to the late Sarony.
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT SARONY.]
+
+The Major had his "Bureau" in Everett House. There he arranged for his
+"stars," and there under false pretences he decoyed me, and there for
+the first time initiated me into the obnoxious habit of drinking iced
+water.
+
+Most people are aware that in Nicaragua there dwell a tribe who
+gradually kill themselves by an extraordinary predilection for eating a
+certain kind of clay. These people are of the lowest order, and may
+therefore be pardoned for their foolishness in turning themselves into
+plaster casts; but why the enlightened Americans choose to convert
+themselves into walking icebergs through drinking so much iced water is
+unaccountable to the alien. They certainly do play havoc with their
+digestions. They eat rapidly and recklessly, and swallow with startling
+rapidity, for having all the dishes placed before them at once they have
+no waiting in between the courses to assist digestion, and almost before
+they have swallowed their food they freeze it with draughts of iced
+water.
+
+At this hotel in New York there lived for some years an Italian singer,
+who was a great favourite in the city, and whose horror of iced water
+was a terror to all the waiters. They knew that it was as much as their
+lives were worth, and certainly as much as the glass was worth, to set a
+drink of this concoction before him. If any new or forgetful waiter
+offered the obnoxious liquid to the foreigner, it was soon thrown at his
+head or to the other end of the room. Americans seldom show their
+feelings, but anything they resent they will harbour in their minds, and
+never forget.
+
+In due course this singer died. The weather was hot at the time, and the
+body in the shell was surrounded by ice until the time came to carry it
+out of the hotel. As it passed through the hall the manager, who had had
+many and many an upbraiding from the excitable Italian after the latter
+had been proffered the hateful iced water, rushed out and triumphantly
+exclaimed:
+
+"'Guess, sir, you've got plenty of ice now, whether you like it or
+not!'"
+
+I was told that kindness would be showered upon me in America. I lived
+in a perfect blizzard of hospitality, the force of which was too much
+for me to stand up against. The poet asks, "What's in a name?" I don't
+know, I'm sure, but I know what's not in a name, and that's something by
+which you can identify the owner of it.
+
+You are introduced to a man, his name being given you as Mr. James B.
+Brown. You could never forget his face as long as you live, but there is
+nothing in the name of James B. Brown to fix it in your memory. Indians
+are more practical--they adopt nicknames. Amongst them the gentleman in
+question would probably be known as "Cherrybeak," "Bleary Eye," or some
+such descriptive cognomen.
+
+I felt the want of this common-sense system when in America terribly.
+While there I lived at the highest pressure of hospitality. Breakfasts,
+luncheons, teas, dinners, suppers, receptions and all sorts of
+gatherings, sometimes two or three of them in one day. At each of them I
+was introduced to most interesting people, names perfectly familiar to
+me but faces unknown. I was bewildered beyond description. I made many
+friends, and as a natural consequence I made many blunders. The worst
+of these latter I really must record, and pray that should this
+confession meet the eye of my hospitable friend I trust he will forgive
+me--indeed I know he will, for he is one of the best and cleverest of
+men.
+
+I was invited to an excellent dinner by a well-known man of letters I
+had never met before. I accepted the invitation on condition I should be
+allowed to leave early, as I had engagements two or three deep for that
+evening. I came away with the best impression of my host and all his
+friends. I saw their jokes and their faces, and knew I would recollect
+both, but their names! how to recollect them was the puzzle. That
+evening I met more distinguished people at the second house I visited,
+more at the third, and still more at the fourth. I shall never forget
+their kindness, but I gave up all hopes of trying to recollect hundreds
+of names, all new to me in one evening. The problem was hopeless. The
+following morning callers began early, and more invitations poured in.
+At breakfast one of my new acquaintances called.
+
+[Illustration: JAMES B. BROWN!]
+
+"Tell me, Mr. Furniss, have you met our great literary man and renowned
+humorist, Mr. James B. Brown?"
+
+"Brown, Brown!" I repeated (that was not the name of course, but it will
+do). "Well, no. I know his name so well, but I don't think I have yet
+had the pleasure of making his acquaintance."
+
+"Not know James B. Brown? Well, you must straightaway. Now let me
+reckon. You leave New York at four this afternoon--you must lunch first.
+Why not with me at the ---- Club? I'll get James B. Brown there or I'll
+swallow Bartholdi's statue!"
+
+I found refusals were of no avail, so I agreed. At one I entered the
+club, at two minutes past one James B. Brown entered, and we met. He was
+my first host of the previous evening!
+
+We were formally introduced. I smiled--James B. Brown didn't. James B.
+Brown pulled himself up to his full height--about double mine--I never
+felt so small before. I shook his hand (he didn't shake mine) and said:
+
+"This is a great honour and pleasant surprise," and I pulled the
+dismayed celebrity gently to my side, when getting on tip-toes I
+telephoned up the string of his eye-glass:
+
+"Keep up the joke, Mr. Brown, keep it up. Fact is, I was so delighted at
+meeting you last night and so charmed with you that when I was asked if
+I had met you before I said 'No,' so that I might have the pleasure of
+meeting you again. Forgive me!"
+
+James B. Brown shook my hand warmly, and telephoned down:
+
+"Sir, this is the greatest compliment I have ever received. Your sin
+will be forgiven for your sincere flattery of so humble an admirer as
+myself."
+
+Americans claim to be superior to us in respect of three things--their
+facility in travelling, their fire system, and their after-dinner
+speaking. One of these I will not question, and that is the Fire
+Brigade. It is necessary for America to excel in this respect, for with
+their huge warehouses and stores overstocked with inflammable goods fire
+would destroy their cities as Chicago was destroyed, were they not so
+wonderfully prompt and efficient with their engines and appliances.
+
+When I arrived in the States I only presented two of the very numerous
+letters of introduction with which I was supplied. One was to the Chief
+of Police in New York, and the other was to the Captain of the Fire
+Brigade. The latter I met, when I arrived at the station at which he is
+located, just coming out in ordinary clothes, for it was his night off;
+but such is the pride taken by the Fire Brigade in their work that
+whatever engagement he was going to keep was abandoned, and he was at my
+service until I had seen everything it was possible to see in connection
+with the famous Fire Brigade.
+
+[Illustration: FIRE!]
+
+As I was speaking to the Captain in the engine-room I noticed a couple
+of horses standing there. One of them was a grey mare with a most
+cunning look, and as the Captain was informing me that "she had done
+continuous work here for some years," she gave me an artful wink of
+confirmation. Just at that moment the alarm bell suddenly vibrated, and
+before you could say Jack Robinson (even if you wanted to), seemingly by
+magic but in reality by electricity, the halters fell from the horses'
+heads, and to my surprise, without any one being near them they rushed
+to their places at either side of the shaft of the engine. There were
+manholes in the ceiling, through which brass rods were suspended
+vertically. Down these slid half-dressed men, who seemed to turn a
+somersault into their clothes during the descent on to the engine, the
+harness suspended above the horses dropped on to their backs, and in an
+instant they were in the street, the engine manned, its fire ablaze, and
+the horses alive to the stiff job they had before them of reaching the
+fire in an incredibly short space of time. But hardly had they taken the
+first leap from one of the boulders over the cavities with which New
+York streets abound to another, than a whistle from the Captain stopped
+them. It was a false alarm given for my edification. Before they could
+get back into the engine-house I was conducted by the Captain into the
+dormitory, where I concealed myself under a bed. Without a grumble the
+men came up and literally walked out of their clothes, for boots, pants
+and everything are all one piece. They opened these carefully and laid
+them ready by the side of their beds, and in a few minutes were all
+snoring fast asleep.
+
+The Captain gave a slight tap on the floor as a signal for another false
+alarm. At the first sound of the bell, with one bound the men were out
+of bed, in another into their combinations, and in a third they were
+going head over heels down the holes in the floor, just as mice would
+disappear down theirs at the sight of a cat, and in a second or two I
+heard again the rumbling of the engine over the pavement.
+
+We escaped before the men were back again to bed, but hardly had I been
+shown the completeness of everything, and gone into details which I need
+not repeat here, and had another wink from the old grey mare, which
+plainly said, "Ah, I knew those alarms were false," when her two ears
+went up like a flash as she sprang under her harness once more, the
+other animal as quickly by her side. The third alarm was a genuine one,
+and she knew it. The Captain and I, as soon as the alarm was given,
+rushed in the direction of the fire, but we had not got to the first
+corner before the old mare and her companion flew past, and I just had
+time to notice that the men were completing their toilet as they were
+hurled by. Quickly followed the officer of the night in his one-horse
+trap, and by the time we got to the fire, which was only round a block
+of buildings, an exhibition of fire engines and appliances was collected
+there which beggars description. The water tower, a huge affair seventy
+or eighty feet high, built up like a crane, which shoots water on to
+the top of the burning building; so also are the hook and ladder
+brigade, the men with the jumping net--in fact, everything is at hand.
+This is accounted for by the fact that a policeman at any corner, when
+giving the alarm of a fire, touches an electric button or turns a
+handle, which gives the signal at every fire station, unloosing the
+horses and putting everything into motion at once.
+
+[Illustration: THE ALARM.]
+
+The one weak point in the whole system is that the alarms are not
+isolated, which means that every signal of fire in the big city of New
+York disturbs every man and horse at every station, some of them nine
+miles away from the scene of the conflagration, for so anxious are the
+men to be up to time that they are often in the street, harnessed,
+equipped and ready, before the second signal comes to acquaint them
+with the locality and extent of the fire. At least that was then the
+system.
+
+When I returned to England I stopped once as I was passing a fire
+station and told the men of the wonders I had seen in America. A very
+athletic, sailor-looking fireman, who had listened attentively to all I
+had to say, chimed in with "Yes, sir, what you've said is quite true,
+for I've been in America myself, and seen them at work; but though they
+may possibly get to the fire a few seconds quicker than we, when we _do_
+get there we put it out. That's more than they do generally."
+
+"Well, perhaps so," I rejoined; "but then you haven't the wonderful
+electric apparatus for dropping the harness on to the horses' backs!"
+
+"No," said he, "we go a step further than that; the harness is on the
+horses' backs beforehand!"
+
+This youth's visit to America had evidently had a sharpening effect upon
+him, for he was a bit too wideawake for me.
+
+Being on a trip for rest and health, I found the gaiety of New York too
+much for me, so having whispered to my friends that I was going to study
+culture and eat bacon and beans in Boston, I quietly slipped off to
+study Congress and to feast my eyes on the beautiful city of Washington.
+
+Not being clean-shaven I could not wear a false beard, so I took a false
+name. "Mr. Harry Furniss of London _Punch_" went in the spirit to Boston
+(for had I stayed much longer in New York my used-up body would have
+been returned in spirits to England); "Mr. French of Nowhere" went in
+the flesh to Washington.
+
+On arriving at my hotel I signed "Mr. French of Nowhere." Reporters who
+scan the hotel list did not think "Mr. French of Nowhere" a subject
+worthy of dissection, so for a few days I thought I should enjoy perfect
+peace with profit. A "stocky little Englishman" taking notes _en
+passant_ with an amateurish fervency was probably what most people would
+think who cared to think at all of the stranger in their midst.
+
+But it so happened that in going down by train from New York I sat
+opposite to a very delightful American gentleman, and we chatted away
+in the most friendly fashion. We parted on arriving at the city. Next
+day I happened to "strike" him in the street.
+
+"I've been on the look-out for you everywhere, Mr. French" (I had given
+him my assumed name in the train). "I am very anxious to show you all
+over this beautiful city, and my brother the Judge is also anxious that
+you should dine at his house."
+
+I thanked him most cordially, and accepted his kind offer, saying that I
+should be ready for him at my hotel at 9 o'clock the next morning. We
+parted, but my conscience pricked me for giving him a false name, so I
+hurried back after him and explained to him the whole circumstance. It
+was flattering to me to see that he took a greater interest than ever in
+being my guide. The next morning Mr. French (to all but my new
+acquaintance) was in the hall of the "Arlington" at the appointed time.
+I waited and waited, but my guide did not put in an appearance.
+Presently a strange gentleman came up to me, and boldly addressed me by
+my proper name. I saw at once I was in the clutches of an interviewer,
+so I point-blank contradicted him, and asserted that my name was French.
+
+"That won't do for me," he said.
+
+"Then you won't do for me," I said, and turned upon my heel.
+
+However, I rather liked the look of the man, and didn't like to
+disappoint him altogether, being a journalist myself.
+
+"I am waiting for a gentleman," I said. "I expect him every minute, and
+then I must be off."
+
+"You may wait, but I guess that gentleman won't arrive," said the
+journalist, "and I want a column out of you for our evening paper."
+
+A frightful thought flashed across my mind.
+
+"Have I been sold?"
+
+I had, and I thought more of the gentleman of the Press (all the
+Pressmen were very kind to me in Washington, and, indeed, all over
+America) than I did of my newly-made erratic acquaintance.
+
+When I paid my second and professional visit to Washington years
+afterwards, of course it was a different matter. My representative had
+for business reasons to invite the Press to "boom" me. I was rated a
+good subject for interviewers, being only too pleased to do my best for
+our mutual benefit. One day a representative of the important Washington
+family paper called. We lunched and chatted, and subsequently over a
+cigar he informed me that he knew nothing about art or artists or
+politics, nor had he any object in common with me--in fact, he was the
+sporting editor. The interview appeared--two long columns on prize
+fighting! I was the innocent "peg" upon which the sporting writer hung
+his own ideas. He discussed "a rendezvous in the Rockies," remote from
+the centre of civilisation, as surely an appropriate locale for a
+train-scuttling speciality or a fight to a death finish between Roaring
+Gore and Wild Whiskers. A pair of athletes, scienced to the tips of
+their vibrating digits, compelled to appeal to the courtesy of a wild
+and well-whiskered Legislature, would doubtless appear inconsistent to
+gentlemen of the National Sporting Club of London, who were anxious to
+have the big fight settled within earshot of Bow Bells, in the luxurious
+rooms of the London National Sporting Club. One combatant, I declared,
+"swallowed the gruel rammed at him as if it were mother's milk," the
+lads "had enough blood on tap to run a sizeable slaughterhouse"; then a
+British fighter "swallowing a lobster salad on top of a whiskey sour,
+with a dose of prussic acid by way of dessert"; and references to my
+knowledge of the "Freds," "Toms," or "Dicks" of the Sporting Press of
+London, and to my familiarity with "Charlies," "Fitzs," and "Jims" of
+the "Magic Circle," were astounding.
+
+My manager rushed into my rooms with the paper in question. "This will
+ruin your prospects here! We depend on the women folk; they will never
+come to hear you after reading this!" And so it was. In spite of other
+interviewers at Washington writing of me as "an English good fellow,
+rich and juicy, and genial in flavour, like other hot stuffs of that
+remarkable country"; and another,
+
+     "Harry Furniss' eclipse of the gayety of John Bull, with facile
+     pencil and brilliant tongue, attracted a cultured assemblage to the
+     Columbia Theatre. Furniss, a plump lump of a man, all curves from
+     pumps to poll, in gesture and in the breezy flourish of his
+     sentences, genially cynical like Voltaire, cuts an engaging figure
+     in his black coat that he wears with the inborn grace of a
+     well-dined Londoner, a bon vivant, whose worldly shaft tickles and
+     never bites, for he is a gentleman whose wit wins and never wounds.
+     Furniss is Thackeray in the satirist's mellow moments, and there is
+     no little of the Thackerian spirit radiating in the pictures of
+     this rotund and quaint little caricaturist."
+
+I did very bad business in Washington, largely due to bad management.
+Five o'clock teas had become the rage of Washington Society, and my
+appearances in the theatre were between 4.15 and 6 o'clock in the
+afternoon. Alluding to this a critic wrote in the _Morning Times_: "It
+may help Mr. Furniss to forgive the small audiences here in Washington
+if he is informed that during this season none of his English friends
+have made a very glittering success; nearly all of them have lost money
+or made very little. We seem to be somewhat down on Englishmen this
+year."
+
+As Washington is the capital of America, so the Capitol, where Congress
+meets, is the cap of the capital, the dome, of course, being the
+Capitol's cap, and a capital cap it is, covering the collective
+councillors of the country. The Capitol itself looks like a huge white
+eagle protecting the interests of the States. Audubon's Bird of
+Washington is the name of the eagle well-known to naturalists, but this
+_rara avis_ is the _Falcho Washingtoniensis_. At its heart is seated the
+Supreme Court, keeping an eagle eye on the laws of the land; under its
+right wing is the Senate (equivalent to the English House of Lords); and
+the left shelters the House of Representatives (corresponding to our
+House of Commons). At first this bird of buildings had no wings, and the
+three representative assemblies sat in the Central Edifice; afterwards
+the wings were added, and now the Capitol is fly enough for anything. It
+soars high above the city, and from its summit a capital birdseye view
+is naturally obtained.
+
+The Senate in the American Congress answers to the House of Lords in the
+British Parliament. The "sporting editor" would doubtless say that each
+in its respective country is the right hand of the Government, and when
+there happens to be a genuine stand-up fight, as foreseen with Spain, an
+international contest, although the "left," in prize ring phraseology
+(the House of Representatives in America and the House of Commons in
+England), does all the preliminary work, it is reserved for the right,
+when the critical moment arrives, to administer the knock-out blow.
+
+[Illustration: THE THRONE IN THE SENATE.]
+
+In both the Old Country and the New these superior senators are
+politically alike. Representatively they are as different as iced water
+is to old port.
+
+[Illustration: THE THRONE, HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.]
+
+The seating of the senators in these two assemblages is typical of the
+countries they represent. In the British House of Lords the Peers loll
+about on scarlet sofas; in America the chosen ones sit at desks. The
+British Peer has forsaken one lounge to occupy another; the American has
+left the office desk for the desk in office. In Britain the House of
+Lords is composed of Princes and Peers, with an admixture of bishops,
+brewers, and other political party pullers; it is also an asylum for
+stranded political wrecks from the Lower House. Soldiers and sailors,
+too, are honoured and are sent there, not as politicians, but merely to
+exist for the time being in a sort of respectable retreat, before being
+translated to the crypt of Westminster Abbey or St. Paul's. John Bull
+has made this hereditary hotch-potch, and he must swallow it. Jonathan
+selects his senators to his own taste, and has them dished up fresh from
+time to time.
+
+The Senate is not sombre and sedate as is our Upper House, but
+simplicity itself--no gilded throne, no Lord Chancellor in wig and gown,
+no offensive officialism. It looks like a huge auction room, the
+auctioneer being the deputy President standing at a table hammer in hand
+knocking down the separate business of State lot by lot as put up by the
+clerks.
+
+The House of Representatives, like the Senate, reminds one very much of
+an auction room. It is a splendid hall, but its size prevents Members
+from being heard very distinctly, particularly as they talk away amongst
+themselves, except when anything particularly interesting is going on.
+In the Senate the table, and the clerks' table, are of dark wood; in the
+House of Representatives they are of white marble. The American flag
+hanging over the balcony gives it a semi-theatrical look, and the white
+marble table resembles an American bar, making one feel inclined to go
+up to it and order a brandy-smash, a gin-sling, or a corpse-reviver.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The House has not met as I enter. The page-boys are playing at leapfrog,
+and some early Members are disposing of their correspondence, and
+instead of reproving the boys cast glances at them that seem to signify
+they would like to join in the game themselves. Presently a Member comes
+in backwards through one of the doorways, calling out to something that
+is following him. I lean over to see if he has brought his favourite dog
+or domestic cat, when a little infant in modernised Dutch costume comes
+in waddling laughingly after her parent. Another Member turns round on
+his swivel chair as his page-boy runs up to him, shakes him heartily by
+the hand, tosses him on his foot and gives him a "ride-a-cock-horse."
+Oh, you English sticklers for etiquette! What would you say if Mr.
+Labouchere came in on all fours with his little child pulling his
+coat-tails and whacking him with a stick, or if Sir William Harcourt
+played at leapfrog with Lulu round the Speaker's chair?
+
+[Illustration: THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.]
+
+My drawing will show you better what the House of Representatives is
+like than any written description I can give. Each Member has his own
+desk, with his Parliamentary papers all around him. He is not bothered,
+as Members are in England, by having his papers sent to his private
+house, or having to call for them at the office when he arrives, or
+actually having to fight for a seat. Americans pay their
+Representatives, and consider that they too have a right to be
+accommodated with a seat whenever they want one to see them, and to know
+who they are; so you have in front of you a diagram of the sitting
+arrangements of the House, with the names of the Members.
+
+[Illustration: AN EX-SPEAKER.]
+
+At 12 o'clock the procession enters. An official carries a little wand
+with the eagle on top, and after the Chaplain (during my first visit I
+saw the "Blind Chaplain," the Rev. W. H. Milburn) has delivered a few
+touching words about the floods in Minnesota, the reading of the
+"reakard" begins. The House buzzes with conversation and displays the
+utmost indifference while the minutes of the last meeting are read with
+extraordinary rapidity by a clerk with a grating voice. Every now and
+then a Member corrects a misprint in the "reakard" of what he has said,
+and then leave of absence is given to applicants for it, who have to
+state their reasons. The Chairmen of the various Committees then report
+to the House, Chairmen of Committees taking in turn to sit in the
+Speaker's Chair and preside over the House, whilst anyone can examine
+them.
+
+Instead of calling out a Member by his name--Mr. Bacon or Mr. Beans--the
+Speaker calls upon "the gentleman from Illinois," or "the gentleman from
+Michigan." But if any question arises to which some Member has an
+objection filibustering is rampant. The Speaker rises and asks if there
+is any objection to the consideration of the Bill. After a pause he
+says, "The Chair hears none," and is about ordering the Bill to be
+engrossed when some Member objects and a division is taken, the Members
+standing up to be counted. Groups of them, however, do not pay a bit of
+attention, and sit about on their desks smoking cigars and telling
+stories, and when the numbers are given some of these will get up and
+complain that their names are not included, as they did not hear, or
+went out to speak to a friend, or some trivial excuse like that, so they
+are counted again. One in particular I noticed and made a sketch of
+peeling and eating an apple, and he strolled up afterwards and demanded
+to have his name inserted. More delay; then "the gentleman from
+Somewhere-else" informs the Speaker that there is not a quorum. "The
+gentleman from Bedlam" demands a division taken by tellers, and the
+Speaker agrees, and is just appointing the tellers, when "the gentleman
+from Obstructianna" calls for "Yeas and Nays," which means, gentle
+reader, that the whole of the House of Representatives have to be called
+out by name, from Alpha to Omega. Those not wishing to vote smoke or eat
+apples. Then some Member comes in and informs the Speaker that he didn't
+hear his name when it was called.
+
+In case the reader may think I am exaggerating I append the following
+cutting from the "Congressional Record," vol. xxiii., No. 93.:
+
+     "Mr. O'NEILL of Pennsylvania. Mr. Speaker, I am paired, but I have
+     voted in order to make a quorum.
+
+     The SPEAKER. There is no quorum.
+
+     Mr. HENDERSON of Iowa. Mr. Speaker, when my name was called the
+     first time I did not hear it, and the second time I was examining
+     some papers and my name was passed before I could answer.
+
+     The SPEAKER. Did the gentleman fail to hear his name?
+
+     Mr. HENDERSON of Iowa. I heard it called, but did not answer in
+     time.
+
+     The SPEAKER. The gentleman understands the rule. If the gentleman
+     states that he was in the Hall of the House and failed to hear his
+     name, his vote will be recorded.
+
+     Mr. HENDERSON of Iowa. I was.
+
+     The vote of Mr. HENDERSON of Iowa was recorded.
+
+     Mr. PATTERSON of Tennessee. Mr. Speaker, I desire to vote.
+
+     The SPEAKER. Was the gentleman in the Hall, and did he fail to hear
+     his name called?
+
+     Mr. PATTERSON of Tennessee. Yes, sir.
+
+     The vote of Mr. PATTERSON of Tennessee was recorded.
+
+     Mr. DOLLIVER. Mr. Speaker, although paired I have voted to make a
+     quorum.
+
+     Mr. McKEIGHAN. Mr. Speaker, I was in the Hall and heard my name,
+     but did not vote because I did not understand the measure. If it is
+     in order I desire now to vote.
+
+     The SPEAKER. The Chair can not entertain the gentleman's request
+     under the rule.
+
+     Mr. HUFF. Mr. Speaker, I voted to make a quorum. I am paired with
+     Mr. KRIBBS.
+
+     The SPEAKER. On this vote the yeas are 136 and the nays 3. No
+     quorum has voted.
+
+     Mr. O'NEILL of Pennsylvania. I withdraw my vote.
+
+     Mr. HOLMAN. Mr. Speaker, I ask unanimous consent that another vote
+     be taken, which I have no doubt will show the presence of a quorum.
+
+     Mr. BURROWS. Mr. Speaker, can not that request be modified so as to
+     provide for taking the vote on the passage of the Bill instead of
+     on the engrossment and third reading? I ask unanimous consent that
+     the vote may be taken on the passage of the Bill.
+
+     Mr. CHIPMAN rose.
+
+     The SPEAKER. The Chair will state that the roll call having
+     disclosed the absence of a quorum, no business is in order but a
+     call of the House or a motion to adjourn.
+
+     Mr. HOLMAN. Then, Mr. Speaker, I move a call of the House.
+
+     A call of the House was ordered."
+
+Then that grating voice calls out the list from A to Z, the pairs are
+called, more explanations given, then there is more filibustering (I
+think that is the correct word) on the part of the obstructionists, and
+for the third time the same farce is enacted. Then the division takes
+place, when the Members leave their seats and are counted as they enter.
+No, the division takes place before the last count, for after the names
+are called again and there are more explanations, when the Speaker
+"recognises the gentleman's right," or does not as the case may be. I
+know three hours of this was enough to show me that, although the
+Americans may boast of being our superiors in many ways, such a farce as
+I have described could never take place in the British Parliament. Why
+on earth don't they take a division as we do, when the Members leave
+their seats and the Ayes and Noes are locked in separate Lobbies, and as
+they re-enter their votes are recorded and they are counted by the
+tellers, and the question at issue is settled finally without doubt? I
+must say that for a practical people the Parliamentary procedure seemed
+to me the most unpractical ceremony I had ever witnessed. Yet they are
+practical in some Parliamentary matters. For instance, there is a
+Committee of Rules, presided over by the Speaker, which meets to decide
+what time the House shall devote to each question, say two hours--one
+for the Democrats and one for the Republicans. Each speaker in the
+debate is allowed five minutes, and when this is up the Speaker reminds
+him of the fact by rapping the table with his hammer.
+
+[Illustration: AN EX-MINISTER.]
+
+Again, it is very convenient that a Member can have speeches that he has
+never delivered printed on the Parliamentary record. In England a
+country Member is about to make a speech, and being anxious to let his
+constituents have it in full he gives it to the representatives of his
+local paper, and it is in the press before he delivers it. Something may
+happen to prevent the delivery of the speech, and Hansard has not a line
+of it. A curious thing happened in the "Congressional Record" a year or
+two ago. The same speech was published as having been uttered by two
+very different Members. This occurred through a New York orator handing
+his speech (a eulogium on a deceased Member) to a friend to correct.
+This friend had an eye to business, and he picked out another Member who
+yearned to be thought an orator but who was not blessed with forensic
+power and had never made a speech in his life, and sold him the speech
+for forty dollars. He walked into the House swelling in anticipation of
+his coming effort, but his chagrin was great when he discovered
+precisely the same speech in the "Record." How is this for an instance
+of American journalistic smartness?
+
+After the exhibition of filibustering I described the House adjourned,
+having done absolutely nothing but convince the stranger in the gallery
+that payment of Members leads to a waste of time, which is not played
+ducks and drakes with by the Members of our House.
+
+An evening sitting is, of course, livelier, though at the outset there
+are more strangers in the gallery than Members on the floor. It is
+amusing to note how the ladies crowd the seats, and how the Congressman
+lolls on the sofa in the outer circle of the chamber, or turns round in
+his chair at his desk, crossing his legs on the desk in front of him,
+puffs his cigar, and, heedless of the fate of the nation, turns round
+and fascinates the fair ones in the gallery. It is amusing also to see a
+Member leave his seat during his speech and walk all over the floor,
+snapping his fingers and pummelling any desk handy. The official
+reporter follows him about, book in hand, wherever the Member's
+eloquence leads him, and his friends crowd around him when he stands or
+walks and vigorously applaud him; so do the audience in the gallery when
+his eloquence ceases, while his friends rush to shake his hand. He then
+walks round and receives congratulations, like a man passing round the
+hat. The clapping of the desk lids is very effective as a means of
+approval or otherwise; but if the orator goes too far and a scene is the
+result, the noise is too much even for the American House of
+Representatives, and the Serjeant-at-Arms has to take the spread-eagle
+on a toasting fork and walk up to the windy Member. I have made a sketch
+of a Member who made an aggressive speech, and on being replied to by
+another Member, walked up to the Speaker, leant on his desk, and puffed
+his cigar right under his nose. All this to one accustomed to the
+English House of Commons is beyond comprehension, and the only parallel
+I can think of is the trial scene in "The Bells," when Mathias walks
+about the court and snaps his fingers at the judges and then acts the
+perpetration of the deed for which he is called upon to answer.
+
+During my stay I heard a very funny specimen of rant from a gentleman of
+the name of Turner, who was suffering from an attack of Anglophobia. He
+would delight the Mortons and Conybeares whom we have to tolerate, and
+his pronunciation of the Old Country's language was even worse than the
+sentiments he expressed. He spoke of the "extremest spirit" of
+"_o_fficial day_tee_," whatever that may mean; the next screech brought
+out "_do_mestic _hoo_rizon," and he pathetically alluded to his
+constituents as the people who lived in the "boomed city, who do not get
+an elegant _re_ward for their la_bor_."
+
+[Illustration: ANGLOPHOBIA.]
+
+I was also amused by another gentleman in a discussion about some Bills.
+He jumped up, and rushing over to where his opponents sat, he shouted at
+them, "_Talk! You?_--you--you--you--you--you--you--you?" (and with
+dreadful emphasis) "I've reported your little Bills!"
+
+Then there were cries of "Go ahead! Vote! vote! vote! vote!" and to
+crown the gentleman's vehemence he cried out repeatedly, "I demand a
+division!" (Chorus): "Pull him down!"
+
+"I demand a division!" "Pull him down!"
+
+"I demand a division!" "Pull him down!"
+
+And he refused to leave off until the eagle-topped toasting fork was
+brought into play once more.
+
+A veritable pandemonium is this Parliament! Fascinating to me, who have
+spent so much time in studying every detail of our own Parliament, which
+I have not the slightest doubt would prove just as strange and funny to
+the American visitor, if like me he sees the ridiculous side of
+everything, even of such an august assemblage as that of the legislators
+of a nation.
+
+[Illustration: THE PRESIDENT--IDEAL.]
+
+[Illustration: THE PRESIDENT--REAL.]
+
+Privacy is unknown in America. Everyone there, from the President in the
+White House to your Chinese washerman in his laundry, is accessible to
+all. I have visited both with less difficulty than I would experience in
+approaching Brown, Jones or Robinson in this country. Here the business
+man's time is his own, and you must not rob him of a minute any more
+than of his cheque-book. In America a business man's time belongs to
+anyone who may require it. You walk in to see him at will, and if
+Jonathan can earn a dollar whilst in his bath by talking to you through
+the keyhole he will do it, and he is just as open in giving his time to
+show you any gracious action. The busiest man in America, the President,
+surrounded by affairs of State, leaves them and shakes my hand in
+welcome to his country. I say shakes my hand, for although I apologise
+for my intrusion (which, by the way, was quite unnecessary) and pay him
+some pleasant compliments, President Harrison replies only by shaking my
+hand. I wax eloquent over the magnificence of the great country over
+which he presides; I touch upon the coming election, and even give him
+some information of value which I happen to have overheard by accident.
+I lead him to believe that I am entrusted with secrets by the English
+Cabinet about the Behring Straits and other vexed questions, and I
+openly tell him what I believe to be the dark designs of England upon a
+free country; in fact, I don't know what I don't tell him, and now that
+he is no more I see no just cause or impediment why I should not now
+make public his reply. It is all on the next page.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As all English people could not get to Niagara, Niagara was brought to
+them in the shape of an excellent diorama, which proved a great success
+in London a few years ago. The atmospheric effect in all dioramas is
+procured by making the visitor first pass through dark passages, fall up
+unlighted stairs, and tumble about in the tortuous corridors in the
+blackness; then, brought suddenly face to face with the picture well lit
+up, the eye is affected by the glare of light, which would not be the
+case if the spectator walked straight into the diorama from the street.
+Now, curiously enough, you approach the real Niagara in much the same
+way--that is, if, as I did, you go from Buffalo, and as was my lot, in
+the most depressing weather.
+
+[Illustration: A BUFFALO GIRL.]
+
+I had to wait for the train to start at Buffalo in a _Dee_po which
+eclipsed anything I have seen for gloom. The shoeblack's platform, of
+more than ordinary proportions, occupied a good fifth of the
+waiting-room. Its dusky proprietor was in possession of the throne, and
+was discussing politics with a brother brush whose massive feet were
+resting on the structure, an advertisement for the operating shoeblack,
+implying that both the quality and quantity of his shine were superior.
+
+The train was also very gloomy. My vis-à-vis was an old Buffalo girl who
+must have remembered coming out to "dance by the light of the moon" a
+couple of generations ago, when that melody was popular.
+
+[[**Full page here!]
+
+
+PRESIDENT HARRISON'S REPLY.]
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH AT NIAGARA.]
+
+The exit from the town is made through a hideous quarter--wooden houses
+and huts, depressing dirty streets, and the sides of the railway covered
+with the refuse of a generation. Then some miles of open country, with a
+building here and there which might possibly have added a little
+picturesqueness to the dismal scene had not those despoilers of all
+picturesqueness, the advertisers--and, above all, the advertisers of
+pills--made an eyesore wherever the same was possible. Then through a
+mile or two of apple orchards and more country with huts advertising
+pills--probably the apples in those orchards are most particularly sour.
+The rain came down fast, the train went on slowly; at every station damp
+people with wet umbrellas came in and made me shudder. Altogether the
+prospect of my getting a favourable impression of Niagara was a black
+one. But it so happens the effect was quite the reverse--it was
+precisely the same as passing through the gloomy passages leading to the
+diorama.
+
+[Illustration: HEBE.]
+
+As I walked to an hotel to have some lunch before seeing the Falls, I
+was startled to see in wood (everything is either water or wood at
+Niagara) my old friend Mr. Punch standing outside a cigar shop, smiling
+as usual; so after I had taken one of his cigars and lighted it, we had
+a chat about Fleet Street and all his friends there.
+
+[Illustration: MY DRIVER.]
+
+"Guess, stranger, I'm here to draw the Britishers. 'Amurrcans' don't
+understand me. They try to draw me, but they might just as well try to
+draw one of these wooden cigars in my hand. Their sarcasm runs off me
+like this rain, and I keep on smiling. They laugh at the Britishers
+journeying thousands of miles to see this place, just as the English
+smile at the Americans pilgrimaging to Stratford-on-Avon. Why, it's real
+cheap to find natives round here who've lived all their lives within
+earshot of the Falls and never seen them yet!"
+
+We compared notes--American and English--and parted.
+
+At the hotel to which I repaired for the purpose of refreshing the inner
+man I was waited upon by a Hebe for the first, last and only time while
+I was in the States. Quick, quiet and clean--what a relief after the
+coloured gentleman!
+
+[Illustration: FRA' HUDDERSFIELD.]
+
+Hiring a covered conveyance with two horses and a very intelligent
+driver, shaped something like his own whip, who was to act as my guide
+as well as my Jehu, I was driven through the town of wooden houses to an
+office where I bought tickets to pass me to the various places of
+interest. The purveyor of this pasteboard looked like a French peasant,
+spoke with an American accent, and came from the town of Huddersfield in
+England.
+
+I had no doubt the driver had graduated in his work from the perch of a
+London hansom, and that probably the horses had been trained at
+Newmarket. Everything is so very "English, you know," at Niagara, from
+the wooden Punch to the pasteboard man.
+
+I was informed by everyone that Niagara would grow upon me. I was rather
+alarmed to find it growing upon me the moment I arrived, for it was
+raining in torrents and I had juvenile Niagaras all round my umbrella. I
+should rather say you grow upon Niagara--at least, for my own part, I
+felt that if I were left there long enough I should do so. It was the
+most fascinating sight I ever saw, and I felt as I stood motionless and
+riveted to the spot I had had enough water to last me for the remaining
+term of my existence.
+
+[Illustration: NIAGARA GROWING UPON ME.]
+
+Everyone, even the clerk of the weather, had arranged that my visit to
+America should be pleasant. Niagara, to be seen at its best, must be
+viewed on a pouring wet day. I know few of my readers will accept this
+assertion as a serious fact, but it's true. It is just as true as the
+fact that the way to obtain the full flavour of strawberries is to put
+pepper on them, and that the sole method of fully relishing ham is to
+use a dash of champagne as a sauce. There are people who even in this
+enlightened age vegetate upon the face of the earth and know not these
+things, and a very great many more who do not know that they ought to
+select a soakingly wet day to appreciate the Falls of Niagara at their
+highest value.
+
+It is not for the extra bucketful or so of water that you may behold,
+for that is imperceptible, but for the water you _don't_ see. A fine day
+is a mistake, and the finer the day the greater the mistake, for the
+reason that distances appear nearer, and the scene as a picture appears
+contracted in consequence. But when the rain falls in torrents at your
+feet, and then gradually disappears in mist, it gives to the Falls a
+certain mystery and suggestion of vastness that cannot possibly be
+experienced by the spectator except upon a thoroughly wet, misty day.
+
+Therefore I congratulated myself that I saw Niagara on my first visit at
+its wettest and best. Had I waited till the next day I could have gone
+to exactly the same points at Niagara and seen the same pictures, in
+water and colour of course, totally different in effect. You ought to
+allow at least three days instead of three hours to inspect Niagara. The
+first day ought to be wet, then one fine morning you should see it early
+and drive round it in the beautiful afternoon, and stroll there alone or
+otherwise by moonlight.
+
+[Illustration: I ADMIRE THE GREAT HORSESHOE FALL.]
+
+There I stood under my umbrella, with the rain coming down in sheets and
+the spray and mist rising up, feeling that I must do one or both of two
+things--write poetry or commit suicide. I had just got to--
+
+  "Oh, dashing, splashing King of Water,
+  Is that mist thy lovely daughter?
+  Tell me, through thy roar and thunder,
+  Canst thou----"
+
+when the crack of a whip brought me to my senses. It was produced by my
+faithful driver, who had come in search of me. I was saved.
+
+He explained to me the wonders of the Great Horseshoe Fall (who more
+able to do this than a driver?), and wound up by saying:
+
+"Guess we'll harness Niagara yet--we've got the traces nearly on now."
+
+[Illustration: JONATHAN HARNESSING NIAGARA.]
+
+We had reached the carriage and pair when this meditative remark escaped
+him. Thinking he was referring to some other gee-gee of his, possibly
+one called appropriately after the Falls, and which was being broken in,
+I said that I thought the present pair went very well in harness
+together and had a lot of work in them yet.
+
+"Why, certn'ly," was all he said as he shut the carriage door, but he
+gave me a puzzled, anxious look, and I saw that he caught sight of my
+poetry. I evidently had not understood his remark, nor had he
+comprehended mine. At the next stopping place, about a mile above the
+Falls, he explained that "there was seven million horse-power running
+wild." It is to be "harnessed" at a cost of about 5,200,000 dollars, and
+horse-power of upwards of 260,000 will be collared. Yes, Jonathan,
+mounted upon his thirsty steed Dollars, is about to lasso picturesque
+Niagara. I saw through the mist the destroyers at work; mills with their
+hideous chimneys and dirty smoke, and attendant railways puffing
+commerce will be seen when the landscape is clear. Jonathan cares not;
+as a writer on this act of ultra-vandalism declares:
+
+"Nothing is sacred to the practical man of the present age, especially
+when he happens to dwell on the other side of the Atlantic. There he
+uses the wonders of Nature as advertising boards for puffing quack
+medicines or patent stoves, and the picturesque and the grandiose are
+only appreciated by him in proportion to their utilitarian value."
+
+[Illustration: "THE THREE SISTERS."]
+
+Of course I paid my respects to the sisters of Niagara, or rather, to
+the islands of that name. To do so I had to leave the carriage and walk
+to the islands over little bridges, and again that feeling of
+fascination overcame me, and looking round to see that the driver was
+not following me a second time, I stealthily pulled out my verse and
+abandoned myself to my poetical inspirations. I had my eyes fixed upon
+three rocks in front of me, round which the waters, in all sorts of
+forms and colours, were dashing. "The Three Sisters," I repeated to
+myself. "Three sisters--some idea to work in here. Let me see, the
+daughter is the mist--the three sisters--why, there they are!" Oh, why
+was I born a caricaturist? All poetry had vanished; Niagara's
+fascination was dispelled!
+
+When next you visit Niagara stand on the last of the three sisters and
+find the three portraits in the rocks. It is a puzzle picture; a
+_fac-simile_ of which I here present you with.
+
+I was next driven to the Inclined Railway, to descend which would enable
+me to see the Falls from below. Arrived there, I found an old lady
+cross-examining the attendant anent the safety of the railway, which,
+truth to tell, is somewhat appalling to look at, the incline being at an
+angle of thirty-one degrees. The motive-power is water, and what the old
+lady wanted to know was whether the water would hold out long enough to
+bring her back again.
+
+"Niagara dry up in five minutes? Wal, old gal, that's clever! Guess this
+railway's bin workin' every day you have--forty-five years now."
+
+The questioner, who had witnessed, at the least computation, sixty
+summers come and go, promptly vanished at this soft impeachment, and I
+descended alone.
+
+[Illustration: INCLINED RAILWAY, NIAGARA.]
+
+Wonderful, magnificent as Niagara indubitably is, that sense which
+enables me to drink in and appreciate to the full Nature's works of
+sublime grandeur and vastness was ruined for the day. My eyes had beheld
+the "Three Sisters" in the rocks; after that they discovered faces in
+everything. They fell upon this mountain of ice and beheld spray that
+had frozen into a grinning mask. Cautiously I picked my way along the
+treacherous surface in the direction of its ear to see the spray rising
+up from the other side, when suddenly my feet slipped on the ice and I
+had had a fall as well as seen one.
+
+In all probability this _contretemps_ would have been avoided had I not
+been followed by one of those pests, a guide, the sight of whom caused
+me to make undue hurry over the frozen surface. Harpies of this ilk are
+the bane of sight-seeing all the world over.
+
+My next performance was to drive through the town of wood for the
+purpose of striking the water at another point; this accomplishment
+being attended with the risk of being run over by passing trains, which
+run vindictively as well as promiscuously over the unprotected
+thoroughfares.
+
+Having run this gauntlet successfully, I passed through a house which is
+a store containing photographs and mementoes of the place and a couple
+of persevering, persuasive maidens, whose efforts to make life a burden
+to you until you buy some of the rubbish are usually rewarded with
+unqualified success. After fighting my way through this edifice I was
+taken in hand by a juvenile guide, who discoursed in the orthodox
+fashion of his kind about the Whirlpool Rapid, pointed out where plucky,
+foolish Captain Webb met his death, crushed by the force of water, and,
+lower down, the spot where his body was found. Then my young chaperon
+unburdened himself of a string of horrors concerning men in barrels,
+insane women who from time to time have thrown themselves in, the little
+steamer whose occupants shot the rapids for a wager and nearly paid for
+their temerity with their lives, and many more similarly pleasant
+reminiscences were conjured up through Niagara's haze on this drizzly
+afternoon.
+
+[Illustration: WHERE CAPTAIN WEBB WAS KILLED.]
+
+Subsequently I had to make use of another "elevator," which, judging by
+the velocity of the ascent and descent, is probably worked by a
+detachment of specially-trained tortoises. Down by the rapids I made the
+pleasing discovery that after all I had some sense of the sublime left,
+for I was roused to further anticipated flights of enthusiasm by the
+magnificent spectacle of the vast volumes of water foaming, rushing,
+eddying, swirling along on their onward course with rush impetuous and
+irresistible as the whirlwind, and I felt for my pocket-book to complete
+my ode to mighty Niagara.
+
+I had not noticed until that moment two commercial-looking individuals,
+obviously British, seated close by and gazing biliously upon the
+marvellous rapids; but I heard one remark to the other:
+
+"'Enery, that's where Webb 'it 'is 'ed, hain't it?"
+
+I disappeared rapidly in the direction of the "helevator," and fled the
+disenchanted scene.
+
+Blondin vulgarised Niagara; Jonathan is going to turn it into a colossal
+mill-sewer. So make hay while the sun shines, or rather when the rain
+falls, and see it soon.
+
+[Illustration: TOURISTS.]
+
+To us in England who are in the habit of rushing to a station to demand
+a ticket for a journey across England, or to the North of Scotland, or
+to the West of Ireland, and expect as a matter of course to find the
+necessary accommodation, it seems strange that the Americans are so
+"previous" in their arrangements. The sale of tickets, which is here
+conducted with ease and despatch at the various termini, or, if you
+desire to be "previous," at the depots of the companies in the centre of
+the town, is in the States made a means of causing "corners" in
+speculation. There are, I am informed, actually brokers who buy up the
+tickets for the express mail trains, and whose prices rise and fall like
+the stocks on 'Change.
+
+For instance, in Chicago there is a whole street of these brokers. I
+wanted to go to Buffalo. I got a prominent citizen to escort me to the
+railway, and I felt some honour had been conferred upon me when I paid
+the full fare and had a corner seat in the Pullman allotted to me. When
+I arrived at the station I discovered that next to me was a mother with
+two children, who were already climbing over my armchair instead of
+their own, and fighting for and tearing the papers and magazines I had
+just purchased. There was another horror I hadn't noticed at my first
+glance, moreover. This took the shape of an infant of some months, which
+immediately began to squeal with a shrillness that forcibly reminded me
+of the siren on the Atlantic. No craft ever flew before the siren of an
+approaching Atlantic liner more quickly than did I from that infant. I
+at once abandoned my seat.
+
+Now instead of going as one would in England to a station official,
+telling him you are going by the next train and taking your seat in it
+as a matter of course, I had to go into the city again, interview the
+officials at their office, and ask as a special compliment to be allowed
+to start a few hours later. All this is very surprising in a country
+where, of all places, time is money.
+
+In a long journey you pass through many States, in the two senses of the
+word. Possibly you may find yourself in a state of thirst, but although
+you are surrounded by drinks galore you cannot get the wherewithal to
+quench it, for you are passing through a proclaimed State, and drinking
+in that is illegal. Or you may be passing through a State free from the
+temperance faddist, where intoxicating beverages are to be had for
+paying for them, and suddenly discover that you are in a state of
+hunger, say five hours after your dinner; but the coloured gentleman who
+officiates as cook is snoring, and fifty dollars won't buy you a
+mouthful of bread, so you find that your last state is considerably
+worse than your first. I have experienced both.
+
+I had the good fortune to "strike" an English friend on my journey, and
+with him I shared a compartment in the Pullman. The overheated state of
+the cars caused us both to have an unnatural thirst, and we longed for a
+refreshing draught of air and liquid. Lunch was announced. I was quickly
+in the dining car, and sat down opposite to an American, who had already
+tackled his soup and poured out his first glass of claret from a quart
+bottle. Feverishly I seized the wine-card. My vis-à-vis looked at me
+over his spectacles, and called out to the "coloured gentleman," "Bring
+another glass." The glass was brought, and the stranger (I had never
+seen him before) filled it with claret and placed it in front of me.
+"Thanks awfully!" I said, "but--er--really--er I am going to order.
+Don't let me deprive you of your wine."
+
+[Illustration: AMERICAN TRAVELLING. NOTHING TO EAT.]
+
+"Why, sir, guess you may order what you like, but you won't get it! I
+was caught once myself, fifteen years ago. Kean't buy liquor in this
+State we're strikin' now, stranger. I bring mine along with me
+now--enough for two, in case some green traveller crops up. You're
+heartily welcome, sir, and here's your health!"
+
+This is the local legislation! My feeling of disgust for the arbitrary,
+narrow-minded, parochial parasite of the law-jobber was tempered by the
+generosity of the native, and this is only one instance out of hundreds
+I have experienced of the extreme kindness and courtesy of strangers in
+the States.
+
+[Illustration: AMERICAN TRAVELLING. NOTHING TO DRINK.]
+
+I could not resist this splendid opportunity to tantalise my Scotch
+friend and fellow traveller. He sat down beside me and I handed him the
+wine-card. He wiped his fevered brow and his parched lips parted in a
+smile as he ran his eager eye down the list. When he had scanned the
+names (and prices) I broke in with:
+
+"I say, old fellow, champagne to-day; a magnum of the best--it's my
+birthday, so hang the expense! Oh, yes, I know it's a ten-pound note,
+but I do feel this infernal shaking, noise and heat, and when else would
+we feel better able to appreciate a good sparkling 'tall drink'? I pay,
+and I insist--you order it and see that we get it!"
+
+My friendly stranger on the other side simply gazed at me without moving
+a muscle of his face, and said not a word, still I haven't the slightest
+doubt that he was thoroughly enjoying the joke in his American fashion.
+My Scotch friend's face brightened up at the prospect of refreshing his
+parched larynx with a long drink of champagne; but it was difficult to
+see whether he or the "coloured gentleman" looked the blacker when the
+latter informed him that the only beverage he could have was ginger ale!
+_Verb. sap._: Never travel on an American railway without your own wine.
+Surely the railway companies, who justly pride themselves on the way
+they study the comfort of their travellers, should warn the unwary in
+time, for it is not everyone who is lucky enough to meet with a good
+Samaritan as I did.
+
+A friend tells me that some of the "coloured gentlemen-in-waiting" on
+these cars have an eye for business, and when a stranger is victimised
+by these stupid and selfish laws, they serve up to him Rhine wine out of
+a teapot as weak tea!
+
+If you doubt the truth of the following, ask any traveller who has
+rushed through the States at the rate of two hundred and fifty miles an
+hour to verify it.
+
+You sit down to the principal meal of the day in the dining car at say
+six o'clock. Not happening to be an American, you intend to eat your
+meal in a reasonable time, say an hour, instead of five minutes. Why
+hurry? What is there to do before retiring to the sleeping car to be
+jolted sleeplessly about for seven or eight hours? Nothing; so take as
+long as possible over your meal. You leisurely order a wine from the
+list, and it is brought, uncorked and placed by your side. After the
+soup and fish you think you will take glass No. 1, but no, not a bit of
+it! You are now rushing through a proclaimed State, and your glass and
+bottle are promptly removed. Sancho Panza never looked so surprised as
+you do. To add insult to injury, or rather injury to insult, you are
+brought that frightful cause of indigestion, "iced water." I have been
+told "by one who knows" never to touch the ice on these railway cars; it
+is not safe, though for what reason I cannot at the moment recollect. It
+comes from some wayside cesspool or out of a rusty copper boiler, or is
+the refrigerated perspiration off the railway carriage windows, or
+something dreadful; anyway, it is unsafe. So you look at it and toy with
+the next course on the chance of flying quickly through this detestable
+state of narrow-mindedness and broad absurdity. Your patience is
+rewarded. You fly past some wooden houses and blazing factories and
+vulgar advertisements of quack medicines, the vendors of which forsooth
+are those who prohibit a weary traveller from aiding digestion by
+drinking an innocent and harmless beverage. The "coloured gentleman"
+returns smiling with the bottle and glass.
+
+"Guess we've cut through that State; this isn't proclaimed."
+
+You drink confusion to the priggish provincial faddist whose State we
+have just passed, and continue your dinner.
+
+I am a slow drinker. During my late illness, the illness that caused my
+trip to America, I had to take all my meals dry--allowed to drink
+nothing whatever, not even a drop of water; so perhaps it is not
+unnatural that after months of this treatment I should find a difficulty
+in drinking before my meal is over. So when the above-mentioned incident
+occurred to me, it so happened that I was in no hurry to raise my glass
+to my lips. At last I took it up, but before I could transfer any of its
+contents to the interior of my throat a dusky hand was placed on mine
+and the glass was removed.
+
+"Sorry, but we're in another proclaimed State now!"
+
+I prayed that one of these fiendish faddists might enter the car at that
+moment. I passed a solemn resolution that I would pour all the contents
+of the cruets down his cursed throat and make hideous caricatures of
+him all over the wine list!
+
+More wooden houses and their wooden-headed occupants were passed, and at
+last I was at liberty to have a drink.
+
+Ice is not of necessity pure nor wine impure. If these ignorant fools
+are unable to drink without proving to the world that Nature intended
+them for beasts, it is no reason why they should make laws for their
+betters, particularly for the stranger flying through their country,
+which they misappropriately call free.
+
+Again I hark back to the laying of railway lines, which I repeat we
+manage better in England than they do in the States. The sleeper in his
+berth in an American car is tossed up and down to such an extent that
+his vocabulary is exhausted in anathematising the sleepers under the
+rails. It doesn't seem as if the Transatlantic lines are ever going to
+adopt our thorough system of track-laying. I met a railway expert on the
+boat going out who had been to England to inspect officially the laying
+of a railway, and he assured me that if they were to take up all the
+tracks in America and relay them in our way it would financially break
+them, enormously rich as the railway kings of the States are.
+
+[Illustration: SLEEP(!)]
+
+I must candidly say I don't care about sleeping in those cars. The heat
+can be avoided by paying extra and having a coupé to yourself, or
+sharing it with a friend, as I did. My first experience was on that
+journey from Chicago which I mentioned before, and I shall never forget
+it. I had at the last moment to take the only berth left, and it
+happened to be a top one. I was the last to retire that night, and my
+struggles to climb to my perch were so ludicrous that I was glad there
+were no spectators. I placed my handbags, hat-boxes, &c., one on top of
+another, and mounted them as cautiously as an acrobat ascending a
+pyramid of decanters, and scrambled in. I then proceeded to divest
+myself of my articles of clothing. I noticed that the snoring of the
+gentleman in the berth underneath grew softer and somewhat stifled, and
+as I wound up my watch and placed it, as I thought, under the pillow, he
+jumped frantically out from behind his curtains and went head over heels
+amongst my improvised steps. Then I began to realise what had happened.
+I had not understood the mechanism of the arrangements, and under the
+impression that I was placing my clothes, &c., on the ledge, I was in
+reality dropping them on to the unfortunate occupant of the nether
+berth, hence the muffled snoring, and when my forty guinea repeater
+descended upon some unprotected portion of his cranium it put the
+closure on his dreams in a most abrupt manner.
+
+When you are introduced to an Englishman he invariably invites you to
+eat something. "You must come and dine with us quietly at home,
+don't-cher-know," or "I must rig up a dinner for you at the club some
+night," &c. A Scotchman suggests your drinking something--urges upon you
+the claims of the Mountain Dew; a Frenchman wishes at once to show you
+something, the Bois de Boulogne or the Arc de Triomphe; a German desires
+you to smoke something; an Italian to buy something; and an Australian
+to kill something, but an American wants an opinion "right away."
+
+"Waal, sur, what do you think of our gre--e--eat country? What do you
+think of this wonderful city? What do you think of the Amurrican gurl?"
+
+This latter is a question which one is asked in the States morning,
+noon, and night.
+
+To endeavour to effect a compromise by admitting that she is quite as
+charming as the English girl, as pretty--though of course of a
+different type--still equally charming, is a waste of time. You will be
+met with the commonplace "Get out!" and an added enquiry, "Now don't you
+think she's just the most fascinating and lovely creature on this earth,
+and by comparison with your English girls ain't she just sweet?"
+
+[Illustration: A WASHINGTON LADY.]
+
+My own tactics were simple--I hedged.
+
+"Well, you see," I replied to a question similar to the above, "I have
+met but few as yet of your representative American girls. To be sure, I
+have seen your cosmopolitan New York beauty, your Washington diplomat,
+and your Chicago daughter of Boom, and so on; but there are yet many
+fields of beauty unexplored, and I prefer to withhold my opinion till I
+have had an opportunity of judging from further experience. I am quite
+prepared to admit, however, that the general impression made upon an
+observant Englishman is that American ladies dress better than does the
+average Englishwoman; or, at any rate, carry themselves with more grace,
+and thus show off their gowns to greater advantage."
+
+"Correct! That is absolutely true," said a lady to me in Washington,
+after I had delivered myself of the above stereotyped remark. "Your
+English girls have awful figures, and they know absolutely nothing about
+putting on their gowns. Why, my dressmaker in London--the very
+best--made me laugh till I was nearly sick, by describing to me the
+stupidity of her English customers. She declares that she positively has
+to pin on a new dress when sending it home, a label stating: 'This is
+the front'; and one day, when she omitted this precaution, she had a
+riding-habit returned with the complaint that it did not 'set'
+correctly. The lady had put it on wrong side foremost." This was told me
+in all seriousness by one of the brightest and most intelligent ladies I
+met during my stay in America, who, I am quite sure, was firmly
+convinced of the truth of the statement made by the dressmaker.
+
+It happened that one day I had been hard at work in my rooms at the
+hotel, and as the daylight failed, before turning on the unrestful
+electric light, I lit a cigarette and threw myself into the
+rocking-chair to enjoy a peaceful quarter of an hour, when a knock came
+to the door and a card was brought to me, "Miss Liza Prettyville
+Simmerman, the _Examiner_."
+
+Another interviewer! Had the card been Patrick McKee O'Fleister, the
+_Examiner_ might disappear with the setting sun for aught I cared, but
+the name struck me as being pretty (lady interviewers generally have
+pretty names). It occurred to me that it would be interesting to see if
+the name fitted the owner, so I said I would see her.
+
+It fitted. "Sorry to disturb you," with a delightful accent and musical
+voice. A pretty interviewer! A pretty American girl with a musical
+voice! A _rara avis_.
+
+I ordered up tea for two.
+
+"You know, sir, what I am going to ask you. What do you think of the
+American girl?"
+
+"That," I said, "I'll tell you on one condition, Miss Simmerman, that
+you first tell me what you think of her yourself."
+
+"Ah!" she replied, with a laugh, "that is not so easy a task--we do not
+see ourselves as others see us."
+
+[Illustration: A LADY INTERVIEWER.]
+
+"No, Miss Simmerman, and even when one listens to strangers, or reads
+their impressions, one is apt to form a wrong estimate of oneself. Let
+me therefore change the question, and ask, what do you think of the
+English girl?"
+
+"Oh! I think she is delightful."
+
+"How would you describe the typical English girl?"
+
+"Well, she is very tall and thin, and quiet, and has a nice voice, lots
+of hair, and walks well."
+
+"And talks seldom?"
+
+"Yes, she is not as vivacious as the American girl, but she is more
+sincere and thorough, and a deeper thinker, and not so much merely on
+the surface as our girls are."
+
+"But," I put in, "you say, do you not, that she does not know how to
+dress her hair or wear her clothes properly?"
+
+"Yes, that is so, and it is noticeable more particularly in her
+headgear, which she wears well over her eyes; in fact the higher she is
+in the social scale, the more tilted is her hat. One thing the American
+girls do envy is the healthy, fresh, clear complexion of the English
+girl. The green of the grass and the splendid complexion of your girls
+are the two things which first strike the American visiting England.
+Both of these, we are told, are due to the climate, and this doubtless
+is a fact, for when an American girl has been in England a short time
+the colour comes to her cheeks, only to disappear on her return to her
+native land. Another thing we admire is the English girl's figure.
+American girls are either slim as compared with English girls, or else
+very stout. We have not the happy medium of the daughters of England."
+
+"Pardon me, but is not the pale-faced daughter of America a little
+spoilt?"
+
+"From an English point of view, yes. American men's one idea besides
+work is the worship of American women. You say anything you like about
+America or Americans to Jonathan, but you must give nothing but praise
+to the American woman."
+
+"But we in England love our women folk also."
+
+[Illustration: A SKETCH AT "DEL'S."]
+
+"Ah! yes, but there is not such a contrast between an Englishman and an
+English lady as there is between an American and his wife. Our 'Qui
+Vive' women are so much superior to the men."
+
+"I will admit that."
+
+"Very well, then, I will admit that American girls are somewhat awkward
+with their arms, and have no idea what to do with them. As they walk
+they stick their elbows out, and when they stand still they hold their
+arms exactly the way the dressmakers pose when having a dress tried on."
+
+"I suppose they have little use for their arms?"
+
+"Well, as a fact, American girls do not busy themselves or enjoy work as
+English girls do. Their fathers, husbands, and brothers work, and they
+look on."
+
+"Yes, I have noticed that all over the States. Women talk, men listen,
+but when men talk it is dollars, dollars, dollars. The girl is bored,
+and sighs for London or Paris, until she is old enough to talk dollars
+herself."
+
+In face, I notice, the American girl is quite distinct from her English
+sister. I notice a difference in the way the upper lip sweeps down from
+the outer edge of the nostril; but more noticeable still is the fact
+that the cheek-bones of the American girls are not so prominent, and the
+smooth curve down the cheek to the chin is less broken by smaller
+curves. In social life the American girl charms an Englishman by her
+natural and unaffected manner. Our English girls are very carefully
+brought up, and are continually warned that this thing or that is "bad
+form." As a result, when they enter Society they are more or less in
+fear of saying or doing something that will not be considered suitable.
+As a matter of fact they are not lacking in energy or vivacity, but
+these qualities are suppressed in public, and only come to the surface
+in the society of intimates. American girls from childhood upwards are
+much more independent; they have much more freedom and encouragement in
+coming forward than ours. The vivacity and liberty expected of an
+American girl in social intercourse are considered--as I say--bad form
+for our girls.
+
+[Illustration: YOUNG AMERICA.]
+
+The observant stranger will, if an artist, also be struck by the fact
+that the face of an American girl, as well as the voice, is often that
+of a child; in fact, if one were not afraid of being misunderstood, and
+therefore thought rude, one could describe the American girl better by
+saying that she has a baby's face on a woman's body than by any
+word-painting or brush-painting either. The large forehead, round eyes,
+round cheeks, and round lips of the baby remain; and, as the present
+fashion is to dress the hair ornamentally after the fashion of a doll,
+the picture is complete.
+
+The eyes of an American girl are closer together than those of her
+English cousin, and are smaller; her hands are smaller, too, and so are
+her feet, but neither are so well-shaped as the English girls.
+
+Let me follow the American girl from her babyhood upwards. The first is
+the baby, plump, bright-eyed, and with more expression than the average
+English child; a little older, see her still plump, short-legged, made
+to look stout by the double covering of the leg bulging over the boots;
+older, but still some years from her teens, she is still plump from the
+tip of her toe to her eyebrow, with an expression and a manner ten years
+in advance of her years, and you may take it from this age onwards the
+American girl is always ten years in advance of an English girl; next
+the school-girl; then that ungainly age "sweet seventeen." She seems
+twenty-seven, and thenceforwards her plumpness disappears generally, but
+remains in her face, and the cheeks and chin of the baby are still with
+her.
+
+Suddenly, ten years before the time, and in one season, happens what in
+the life of an English matron would take ten. The bubble bursts, the
+baby face collapses, just as if you pricked it with a pin, and she is
+left sans teeth, sans eyes, sans beauty, sans everything. This is the
+American girl in a hurry, and these remarks only apply to the exhausted
+New York, the sensational Chicago, the anxious Washington, and the
+over-strained child of that portion of America in a hurry.
+
+[Illustration: AN AMERICAN MENU.]
+
+I have not quite made up my mind as to whether I like the American girl
+or her mother the better. They are both vivacious and charming, but of
+course the younger is the prettier, and in point of attractiveness
+scores more than her mother.
+
+It is true, as I have said, that American girls do "go off" very soon. I
+must confess that one evening at dinner, surrounded by charming young
+Americans, I was bold enough to say so. It was a very inopportune moment
+to have made the remark, for seated next to me was a remarkably fine and
+handsome young lady, who informed me that she had five sisters--I think
+it was five--and I was assured by our host that they were all of them as
+"elegant" as my fair neighbour, and that the mother looked as young as
+the daughters.
+
+At the reception, after dinner, I was introduced to the mother, and
+found the exception that proved the rule. We had quite a discussion upon
+the staying powers of the American beauty; but despite all arguments I
+am convinced, through my own observations in England and America, that
+American ladies do not wear so well as English. No doubt this is due, in
+some measure, to the climate, and in a greater degree to the mode of
+living. However, before dealing with this rather ticklish subject, I had
+better finish what I had to say about the evening in question, or this
+particular young lady may take my remarks as personal.
+
+[Illustration: MY PORTRAIT--_IN THE FUTURE_.]
+
+We discussed age and wear and tear _ad nauseam_. I felt rather aggrieved
+by being put down by those members of the Press who had discussed my
+personal failings for the benefit of their readers, as several years
+older than I really am (all due, no doubt, to my premature baldness). So
+I asked for the secret of the American hair-preserving elixir, and my
+charming companion assured me that she had really and truly discovered
+an infallible composition for producing hair! This she promised to send
+to me, and upon my return to England I received the following charming
+letter, which I publish for the benefit of all those whose hair, like my
+own, is becoming, to quote an American paper, "a little depleted on the
+top of the dome of thought." I have not yet tried the remedy, but I
+intend to do so, and when I appear again on the American platforms I
+shall probably rival Paderewski, who owes a great deal of his success
+and fortune to his "thatch."
+
+The following is copyright: "LIKA JOKO HAIR RESTORER."
+
+     "MY DEAR _Mr. Furnace_,
+
+     "Fearing you would think me lacking in a sense of humor I have
+     hesitated to send you the receipt you asked for, but, being an
+     American, I fear it would not be true to my country's principles to
+     allow such an opportunity for promoting growth to pass unheeded.
+
+       Two tablespoonsful alcohol,
+       Two tablespoonsful flour of sulphur,
+       Two tablespoonsful castor oil,
+       One pint boiling water.
+
+     "Put in bottle, shake well and allow it to stand three days before
+     using. Rub well into the scalp every night.
+
+     "Here it is, and I trust soon to receive the pen and ink sketch in
+     proof of its unrivalled success.
+
+                               "Very sincerely,
+                                                "----"
+      "Brooklyn,
+      "April 20th, 1892."
+
+
+
+I suppose my benefactress, if I disclosed her name, would be worried to
+death by the multitudinous proprietors of shiny-surfaced "domes of
+thought." Notice she calls me a furnace! Too suggestive of the sulphur!
+alcohol!! boiling water!!!
+
+I must confess that it was with some trepidation I accepted an
+invitation to a reception of the Twelfth Night Club of New York--a club
+for ladies only, which invites one guest, a man, once a month--no other
+member of male sex is allowed within the precincts of the club. I
+survived. Next day the papers announced the fact under the following
+characteristic American headlines:--
+
+        TWELFTH NIGHT GIRLS REJOICE.
+
+        FURNISS GETS A WARM GREETING.
+
+  CARICATURIST TALKS TO TWELFTH NIGHT WOMEN.
+
+  ROTUND ENGLISHMAN TELLS HIS EXPERIENCES IN
+              HIS BREEZY WAY.
+
+[Illustration: I AM ENTERTAINED AT THE TWELFTH NIGHT CLUB.]
+
+I was pleased to read that the lady reporter considered that I "bore the
+courtesies with the grace of a well-bred Englishman and with less
+embarrassment than the average man evinces at being the only one of his
+sex present upon these occasions(!). According to one of the iron bound
+rules of this club the guest of honour is the only man admitted, and as
+such Mr. Furniss was received with enthusiasm. If he could have
+projected his astral body to the other end of the room, and from there
+have sketched himself as he turned off autographs to the pleading group
+of women, it would not have made the least funny picture in his
+collection."
+
+I agree in this latter part, for the whole affair struck me as intensely
+funny, and not at all appalling--in fact, I spent a very delightful
+afternoon. A lady whose dress the papers described as "a costume of
+brown brocade and lace" played beautifully. Another "dressed in grey
+satin and chiffon" sang charmingly. A third who wore "a skirt of black
+and a primrose bodice trimmed with lace" recited with much talent, and a
+galaxy of the belles of New York, ladies of society, and professional
+stars of the pen, the platform and the stage combined to make feel at
+home. I had to acknowledge in thanking them that although I perhaps
+failed to draw American women, American women had certainly succeeded in
+drawing me.
+
+After this pleasant experience it was with a light heart I accepted a
+similar invitation when shortly afterwards I visited another city. Again
+I was to be entertained at a Ladies' Club, but to my surprise I found
+it, not as I did the New York Club, modestly accommodated in a large
+flat, but a club having its own imposing building--as important as any
+in the West End of London. Carriages lined the street, and a crowd
+surrounded the entrance. Still, I was not unhappy. The entertainment
+would surely be proportionately long, and I would have less to say. I
+was, as at the other club, unprepared, preferring to pick up some idea
+for a reply during the entertainment prepared to honour me. The hall and
+staircases were crowded with a most fashionable gathering; two large
+reception-rooms--with open folding doors--were well filled with ladies
+seated. The President met me at the door and escorted me to a small
+platform in the centre of the rooms, on which were a reading-desk and a
+glass of water! After formally and briefly introducing me, she asked if
+any man was present. It so happened that in a corner behind the piano
+one was found and immediately ejected, and I was left alone to begin! My
+first impulse was to make a rush for that corner behind the piano, but
+rows and rows of seated dazzling beauty formed a barricade I could not
+negotiate. I had in the few words of introduction caught the name of Sir
+Edwin Arnold and others who had stood where I did at that moment.
+Yes,--but they were doubtless warned beforehand of what was expected of
+them, and therefore came prepared. I, on the other hand, stood there
+"flabbergasted"! I confess I never felt so cornered. No, if I had been
+cornered--but there on a platform to face the music! No, not the music,
+there was none! I had to speak--about what? for how long? to whom?
+
+[Illustration: RECEPTION AT A LADIES' CLUB.]
+
+I made a plunge. I confessed honestly I was unprepared. I explained that
+I had accepted the invitation on my arrival--believing I was to be
+entertained, not to be the entertainer. That I had none of the
+flattering phrases ready of those who had stood before them on similar
+occasions, and furthermore I did not believe in such platitudes. This I
+quickly saw was my key.
+
+"Now, ladies, as I am face to face with this unique gathering of
+American women--and alone--I have at last a chance I have long waited
+for. I want to tell what I _really_ think of you. I respect you for your
+cleverness. To roll off empty compliments and--if I could--poetical
+platitudes also with my tongue in my cheek, as others have done, would
+be to insult your intelligence. You only want to hear me speak on one
+subject, yourselves, the American woman, and compare her with the
+English woman. Let me first speak as an artist.
+
+[Illustration: WIFE AND HUSBAND.]
+
+"Now, if there is one thing I have heard repeatedly from the lips of
+American women it is that the English man is superior to the English
+girl. You, in fact, look upon the English girl with contempt. You
+certainly admire and emulate to a certain extent the fashionable Society
+women of England, but the ordinary English girl you treat with
+indifference, and speak of with contumely. You look upon her as a
+badly-dressed idiot. That may strike your ears as a sweeping assertion,
+but my ears have tingled over and over again by hearing that very
+sentiment coming from your own pretty mouths. Now, as we are alone, let
+me say a word or two on that point. You say the English woman is a fool.
+You say that the English man is bright, clever and brave. One has only
+to look round the world to realise that your opinion of the English man
+is right. That one little dot on the map, England, predominates the
+greater portion of the globe. That is the result of the plucky and
+accomplished English man you so much admire. Now, I will ask you one
+question. Did you ever hear of a clever man who had a stupid mother? The
+history of the world shows that all great men had mothers with brains.
+In considering this recollect that we are agreed that the English man is
+superior to the American man. Does that show that the American mothers
+are cleverer than the English mothers? No,--it points to the reverse,
+that the English girl you look down upon, under her soft, gentle manner
+has something superior to you American women--she has solidity and
+brain-power. That is why the English man is superior to the American.
+Now, ladies, you, with your pretty faces, your charming manners, your
+vitality, and shall I say it? your worldliness, have boys who are--well,
+equal to what you consider the English girl to be. Of course it is
+always unsafe to generalise, but as you generalise yourselves and
+sweepingly assert that the English girls are born idiots, I want you to
+understand from a man who has not come here to tell you lies, but to
+tell you the truth, that if America is really to be the great country of
+the future, the sooner you begin to model yourselves on the English
+girls the better."
+
+I said a great deal more, but I shall not confess anything further about
+the charming American ladies just now.
+
+[Illustration: A DREAM OF THE WHITE HOUSE.]
+
+We English have an impression that all American men, women, and children
+are politicians, and it is the dream of every youthful American one day
+to occupy the White House. But in the great contest of 1896 there was
+something deeper than mere ambition. When I went over in the steamer I
+travelled with some overworked, big city merchants who were sacrificing
+their holiday in Europe to vote for Mr. McKinley; the little children
+wore the national flag in their buttonholes; and the last evening we had
+at sea a lady called me on to the deck and said, "Look at that
+beautiful golden sunset! It is a symbol that America is for gold." And
+as we looked behind at the sea-mist we had passed through, she found in
+that the symbol of silver! In fact, for a foreigner, I had had quite
+enough of the Presidential election before the steamer arrived at the
+White Star Line landing-stage.
+
+I crossed the Herring Pond in chill October, so as to be in New York for
+the last stages of the Presidential contest. The last stages of these
+elections, although exciting and interesting from a political point of
+view, are not to be compared with the earlier scenes for effect. For the
+purpose of sketching scenes the artist should be there in the heat of
+summer, and in the heat of the Conventional controversies. At the time
+of brilliant sunshine, when in that year America was so much _en
+évidence_ in England, when Yale was rowing so pluckily at Henley, when
+Haverford College was playing our schools at our national game, when the
+Ancient and Honourable Artillery Company of Boston were being fêted
+right royally in the Old Country, when London was fuller of American
+visitors than at any other time--it was then that all the fun of
+political affairs was taking place in the United States for the fight
+for Gold _v._ Free Silver.
+
+It is at the two gigantic Conventions at which the rival candidates are
+nominated that the artist finds material for his pencil, the satirist
+for his pen, and the man of the world food for reflection. By all
+accounts, these Conventions baffle description. Everything is sacrificed
+to spectacular effect. They take place in huge buildings decorated with
+banners, emblems of all kinds, startling devices, transparencies, and
+portraits of the candidates. Bands play different airs at the same time;
+processions are formed and marched all over the hall, carrying emblems
+and portrait banners, the State delegates carrying the State standards
+in front of each procession to the cheers and yells of their supporters.
+Similar demonstrations are carried on in the galleries. Girls dressed
+symbolically representing silver or gold, or some topic of interest in
+the election, wave flags and lead demonstrations, perhaps acting as an
+antidote to the less attractive surroundings.
+
+The election being a purely commercial question, I attended the meetings
+held in commercial districts, where the excitement ran high. During the
+lunch hour crowds attend the political gatherings held in the centre of
+the business districts in large stores turned into halls for
+speechifying and demonstrations, and great as the subject is, and grave
+as is the issue, the ludicrous is the first feature to strike the
+stranger. A great empty store, running the whole length of the ground
+floor of one of the monster ten, twenty, or what you will storied
+buildings, was appropriated for the purpose. The bare walls were draped
+with stars and stripes, and innumerable portraits of McKinley and Hobart
+confronted you on every side. In the centre was a roughly-constructed
+platform; on this a piano and seats for the orators. At 12.30 sharp (the
+business lunch hour) a crowd surged in; bankers, brokers, dry goods
+merchants, clerks, messengers, and office-boys, straight from the Quick
+Lunch Counters--a great institution there--filling every corner of the
+hall. An attendant carried the inevitable pitcher of ice water to the
+orators' table; a "Professor" hastily seated himself at the piano and
+played a few bars; a solemn-faced quartette took its position in front
+of the rostrum, and the meeting was opened.
+
+[Illustration: THE POLITICAL QUARTETTE.]
+
+The campaign songsters had taken a leaf from the Salvation Army, and
+appropriated all popular airs for political purposes. Praises of Sound
+Money and Protection were sung to the air of "Just tell them that you
+saw me," and denunciations of Bryan, Free Silver, and all things
+Democratic to the tune of "Her golden hair was hanging down her back!"
+The quartette aroused the greatest enthusiasm. An aged Republican seated
+immediately in front of the platform, who had voted every Republican
+ticket since Lincoln was elected, waved his stick over his head, and the
+crowd responded with cheers and encores. The quartette retired, the
+chairman advanced, motioned with his hand for silence, and announced the
+name of the first orator of the occasion, who happened to be a
+clergyman--a tiresome, platitudinous person. Somehow, clergymen on the
+platform can never divest themselves of their pulpit manner. They bring
+an air of pews and Sabbath into secular things. The minister denounced
+Bryan and Democracy in the same tones he used in declaiming against Agag
+and the Amalekites on Sunday. At last he brought his political sermon to
+a close, and the quartette again came to the front, sang a few more
+political adaptations of popular songs, and the chairman announced the
+next speaker, a smart young lawyer of the Hebrew persuasion. After him,
+more songs and more speakers of all kinds, and at half-past one the
+meeting came to an abrupt conclusion. The crowd vanished like magic, the
+hall was empty, the lunch hour was over!
+
+When night fell, oratory was again rampant in all parts of the city. At
+every street corner one saw a waggon decorated with a few Chinese
+lanterns and covered with portraits of the candidates. In front the
+orator shouted to the casual mob, and at the tail end his companion
+distributed campaign literature. One crowd exhausted, the waggon drove
+on, and gathered more listeners at another stand. In this way, in
+strolling through the streets, one was met with a fresh line of argument
+at every turning. Republicans, Democrats, Prohibitionists, Socialists,
+etc., all had their perambulating orators. It was as if all the Sunday
+Hyde Park orators had taken to waggons, and were driven about through
+all quarters of the town, from Whitechapel to Kensington. At one street
+corner a Catholic priest was rallying his Irish compatriots to Tammany
+and Bryan, and urging them to shake off the fetters of the bloated
+British capitalist; and at the next a Temperance orator was pleading
+the hopeless cause of the Prohibitionist party.
+
+The campaign was not so much a fight between Silver and Gold as between
+Sound Money and Sound Lungs.
+
+     BRYAN'S CAMPAIGN.
+
+Number of speeches delivered                        501
+Cities and towns spoken in                          417
+States spoken in                                     29
+Miles travelled since the nomination             17,395
+Number of words spoken on the stump (estimated) 737,000
+
+     WHAT BRYAN DID IN ONE DAY.
+
+Travelled from Jacksonville, Ill., to Alton, Ill., and spoke
+  in seven towns and cities.
+Slept eight hours.
+Talked seven hours.
+Miles travelled,                                   110.
+Speeches made,                                       9.
+Persons who heard him,                          60,000.
+
+
+It would be impertinent on the part of any English journalist to use the
+ordinary language at his command to describe that scene. Let him copy
+the headings of those who have given the people of the United States a
+language of their own:
+
+     ARMY OF LOYALISTS.
+
+     A Hundred and Twenty Thousand Men March with Old Glory up Broadway.
+
+     GRANDEST PARADE IN ALL HISTORY.
+
+     The Great Thoroughfare a Tossing Sea of Red, White, and Blue and
+     Gold.
+
+     Cheers and Music fill the Air with Melody.
+
+     Legions Marshalled for the Honor and Safety of the Union and the
+     Prosperity of the People.
+
+     PATRIOT ARMY'S GLORIOUS MARCH.
+
+     WARRIORS OF PEACE, BATHED IN GOLDEN SUNLIGHT, PASS THROUGH
+     STAR-SPANGLED LINES.
+
+     PARADE'S RECORD-MAKING FIGURES.
+
+     Number in Line,                              125,000.
+     Miles long (estimated),                           14.
+     Parade started at 10 a.m.
+     Parade finished at 6.26 p.m.
+     Number of spectators (estimated),           1,200,000.
+
+No pen or pencil could give any idea of the intense feeling and
+excitement over that election. To realise its effect one must have seen
+the faces of business men in cities like New York--faces pallid with
+care, eyes restless with inquiry and uncertainty, mouths twitching with
+anxiety. To them Bryan spelt ruin. You could read that in the faces of
+every one of responsibility.
+
+We had huge meetings and long speeches from morning to midnight. In the
+churches the pulpits were turned into hustings, and for the moment
+ministers preached the Gospel and McKinley in equal proportions. Miles
+of sound money men paraded the streets, and at night the rivers north
+and east were given over to political aquatic demonstrations. Huge
+banners flaunted the sky, and tons of party literature strewed the
+floors of every house; but the whole story was better told and more
+impressively demonstrated in the faces of those united in commerce--99
+per cent. of the better class in the city. They looked worn and anxious;
+their words were words of confidence, but expressed with an uncertainty
+and reserve which were significant.
+
+One day I met a prominent citizen--an ardent Republican--and I asked him
+how he thought the elections were going. He said, "I feel like the old
+woman Ingersoll tells of, who did not believe in ghosts, but was
+terribly frightened of them." This reminds me that the Free-thinking
+Ingersoll had been stumping the country, and clergymen, such as Dr.
+Parkhurst, had been turning their pulpits into political platforms to
+bring their influence to bear on the voters. To all those who were in
+New York during that momentous time the scene will linger in their
+memories when the names of Bryan and McKinley have ceased to interest
+them.
+
+And the curious thing is that this is no exaggeration. To see, as I did,
+thousands of well-dressed city men marching past at quick time, with
+martial tread, to the music of innumerable bands, from half-past ten in
+the morning till seven o'clock at night, is a performance that
+Englishmen can hardly realise, and one that they will certainly never
+see in their own country. Its very seriousness, simplicity, and
+impressive monotony made it all the more striking. Not a soldier to be
+seen, no triumphal cars, no break in the stream of respectability
+mechanically moving throughout the day. In England, on public
+demonstrations, one goes to look at the crowd, but here the crowd was
+the procession. This political fever seemed to work up the enthusiasm of
+every man, woman, and child when the march was over, on, I may tell you,
+a bright, hot Indian summer's day in November.
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE GREAT PARADE: "AM I TO SIT ON AN ORDINARY SEAT
+TO-NIGHT?"]
+
+Crowds of the paraders continued to march in smaller squads through the
+side streets for their own enjoyment, and overflowed into hotel lobbies
+and restaurants, covered with emblems, flags, gold bugs, and
+chrysanthemums, which were brought into the city by thousands for the
+occasion. And then some humour was imported into the serious business of
+the day. One youth strolled into a _café_, and when he was offered a
+chair by the waiter, he drew himself up, and said, "Am I to sit on an
+ordinary seat to-night?" They blew their tin horns, rattled their
+rattles, and waved their flags in and out of every place until late at
+night, and they were still singing and demonstrating in the morning,
+but with that extraordinary common-sense which is characteristic of
+Americans, the Bryanites and the McKinleyites shaking hands and setting
+about their business with redoubled energy, having another crisis in the
+country to record as a landmark in the history of the republic.
+
+On the last day of my first visit to America I found myself in the head
+depôt of the New York detective force. The courteous and talented
+presiding genius of that establishment had left his busy office to show
+me over their museum, a chronicle of the city's crime, and as I was
+thanking him afterwards, he said:
+
+"Is there anything I can do for you?"
+
+"Well," I replied, "I have seen the best side of life in New York, now I
+should like to see the worst."
+
+"The very worst?"
+
+"The worst you have."
+
+The worthy officer eyed me up and down as if he were going to measure me
+for a suit of clothes.
+
+"Very well," he replied, seemingly satisfied with my resolute bearing
+and undaunted mien and determined visage, which showed my daring and
+enterprise. Beside me a Stanley or a Burton would have looked
+effeminate. "A detective will be at your hotel at ten o'clock to-night."
+
+And he was.
+
+I had just come in from dinner, and had changed my clothes for an old
+suit that had braved the weather in crossing, and was consequently well
+salted by Atlantic brine.
+
+"May I offer you a cocktail?" I say.
+
+"No, thank you," he replies.
+
+(_His_ nerve doesn't want fortifying, evidently!) Mine does, so I have a
+Manhattan as I hastily pencil a line to my wife to be sent to England in
+case I do not leave by the _Majestic_ next day.
+
+"Now, then, what's your programme?" said I in an airy way, as we reached
+the street.
+
+"Trust to me," said the "'tec," "interfere with no one, and keep your
+pencil and your notebook in your pocket till I tell you. Keep your
+mouth shut and your ears and eyes open, and as they say in the
+pantomime, 'you shall see what you shall see.'"
+
+We were soon whizzing along the elevated railway, and I was trying to
+impress my guide with stirring tales of midnight meanderings in the
+greater city, London. I left out any mention of Dublin, for my companion
+rejoiced in a truly Milesian cognomen, and still bore strong evidence of
+his native country in his accent, mixed with a good dash of American.
+
+"Guess you're a pretty 'cute Britisher, and shure it's the likes of you
+I'm mighty glad to strike in this _tre_menjious city!"
+
+I felt somewhat flattered by this encouraging condescension, and I admit
+now that I did not feel particularly happy at the idea of bearding the
+thieving lion, with his hyena-like satellites, in his den. I felt
+something like a criminal under arrest myself, and I am sure that
+everyone in the car must have thought that the world-famed detective
+force of New York had added another notorious catch to the many they
+have so cleverly made.
+
+As we passed close to the windows of the houses, and actually looked
+into the rooms on the second and third stories, Detective Jonathan H.
+O'Flaherty would point out to me a room here and there which was being
+watched by his comrades, and as we approached nearer and nearer to the
+purlieus of the poor, he positively detected seated in rooms in shady
+hotels which harboured thieves a forger, a housebreaker, and other
+notabilities of a worse character. Indeed, I would not have been
+surprised had the arm of the law been literally stretched out at any
+moment, and one of these gentlemen transferred from his seat through the
+window and deposited by my side in the carriage.
+
+America is a free country. England, we are assured, is not; but the fact
+that the police are allowed to arrest anybody they please without
+showing any authority whatever is a curious contradiction which the
+Britisher may be pardoned for smiling at.
+
+Detective Jonathan H. O'Flaherty and I had a rather warm argument upon
+this point, and I must say that in the end I had to admit that there was
+a good deal to be said in favour of the utter want of liberty to which
+Americans have to submit.
+
+"For instance," said my guide, "to-morrow is a public holiday. At
+daybreak I guess we'll be afther locking up every thief, vagabond, and
+persons suspected of being varmint of this description in this great
+city, and it's free lodgings they'll have till the holiday's played out.
+In that way crime is avoided, and the truth of the saying proved that
+'prevention is better than cure.'"
+
+"But there is an unpleasant feeling that this autocratic power may lead
+to mistakes. In England the police must have a warrant," I said.
+
+[Illustration: ITALIANS.]
+
+"Guess, stranger, if we waited for a warrant the varmint'd vanish, and
+there'd be the divil to pay. No, sir, I reckon we Amurricans don't wait
+for anything--we just take the law into our own hands right away. A
+short time ago I was sitting enjoying some singing in one of the saloons
+in the Bowery here, and right through in front of me sat two foreigners
+with the most perfect false whiskers on that I ever clapped eyes on.
+That was enough for me. I went outside, sent one of my men for
+assistance, and then sent in a theatrical lady's card to one of the
+gentlemen. The bait was taken, and he came out. We arrested him straight
+away, and made him send in for his friend, who came out, and we nailed
+him as well. Turned out afterwards that they had come to kill one of the
+actresses--love affair, revenge, and all that sort of thing. In your
+country guess you'd have arrested them after the murder; we had them
+before. There was no harm done, but they got a fine of a few dollars."
+
+He put his hand suddenly upon mine as he said this. For a second I
+thought that he imagined _my_ whiskers were false, and that this was
+only a plant to lock me up! It was evident my nerves were becoming
+unstrung, and as soon as we were in the street my good-humoured and
+excellent guide told me that in another five minutes we would begin our
+voyage of discovery. We passed through the Chinese quarter, down Mott
+Street, and I could not but feel a pang of sympathy for these aliens,
+looked upon by the Americans as vermin. It is a strange war, this
+between John Chinaman and Sambo for the vassalage of the States; but in
+poor England, the asylum of the alien, all nationalities have an equal
+chance, and the nigger, the Chinaman, the Jew, and the German can walk
+arm in arm, whether in the squalid streets of Spitalfields or the
+aristocratic precincts of Pall Mall.
+
+But there is a war going on in London between two races of different
+colour, undisturbed and unseen, for the gory scenes of warfare are
+enacted in the bowels of the earth. It is to the death, and has been
+going on for years, the combatants being the red cockroach and the
+blackbeetle. Both came to our shores in ships from distant lands. The
+blackbeetles were first, and had possession of underground London, but
+the cockroaches followed, disputed the right of territory, and thus the
+war began. The latest reports from the seat of war assert that the
+cockroaches are victorious all along the line as far as Regent's Park.
+
+But this is digression. I merely made use of the cockroach simile
+because it occurred to me as I traversed the Italian quarter and gazed
+upon its denizens, an occasional accidental rub against one of whom made
+me shudder. Innocent they may be, but they don't look it, and when I was
+taken up a court--a horrible, dark, dank _cul-de-sac_--and shown the
+identical spot which a few weeks beforehand had been the scene of a
+murder, I made a sketch in the quickest time on record, keeping one eye
+on the ghastly place and the other on a window where a ragged blind was
+pulled quickly and nervously back, and a white face peered suddenly out
+and as suddenly retreated.
+
+I did the same, pulling my detective friend after me.
+
+[Illustration: WHERE THE DEED WAS DONE!]
+
+It is said that one-half the world does not know how the other half
+lives, but not the ninety-ninth part knows how it dies. In the vicinity
+of Mulberry Bend I was shown a house in which another bloody deed had
+recently been perpetrated--another cockroach killed. The blood was as
+fresh and visible as that of Rizzio in Holyrood Palace, but this excited
+no curiosity among the passers-by--crimes are more plentiful than
+mulberries here.
+
+Paradise Park, The Bowery, New York, is a very high-sounding address. It
+is one that any European might imagine as a retreat of aristocratic
+refinement and sylvan beauty; there is nothing in the name to suggest
+the Seven Dials of London in its old days; and yet the place is its
+counterpart, the only difference being that the Five Points, as it is
+called, is two degrees worse than the Seven Dials that's, all!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Standing at these misnamed crossways, I noticed hurrying past an Italian
+woman bearing a load of household furniture on her back, and followed by
+a man--her husband, I was told--cursing her.
+
+"They always move at night," said my guide. "The women do all the
+carrying, and this is in a country where woman reigns _soo_preme, too!"
+
+Next comes a youth with a crutch.
+
+"One of the cleverest thieves in the city. No one suspects him--guess
+his crippling is his fortune."
+
+I should like to tell you of other interesting people I saw, of my
+perambulations through Baxter Street, the Jewish quarter, of the visits
+to the joss house, opium joint, grocery stores, halls of dazzling
+delight, and dens of iniquity I made that night. I had my sketches and
+notes before me to continue this chapter, when I received a New York
+paper. In it I discovered an illustrated article headed "In His Own
+Black Art," purporting to be an account of my visit to the slums with a
+detective. After reading it I laid down my pen and took up my scissors,
+I felt it impossible to disclose any more. The rest I leave to my
+shadower on that occasion, reproducing also some of the sketches this
+"faithful copper-fastened distorter of features" set down, with many
+thanks to him and a sincere wish that his headache is better.
+
+[Illustration: IN AN OPIUM JOINT.]
+
+     "IN HIS OWN BLACK ART.
+
+            *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Mr. Furniss writes very cleverly, it should be said. He writes
+     good London English, for he, like many of 'the infernally good
+     fellows' of Fleet Street, 'don't you know,' believes that the
+     vernacular is only written in its virgin purity in that city.
+     However, let that pass.
+
+     [Illustration]
+
+     "But there was one thing that I couldn't consent, even as his
+     friend, to overlook. Mr. Furniss was determined to go 'slumming.'
+     He had letters to several members of the police department, but the
+     friends who had given these valuable credentials had evidently
+     selected only the captains of the highly respectable precincts. Of
+     course, they could not imagine that Mr. Furniss would want to visit
+     the joss house and opium joints of Chinatown. Nobody would, to
+     look at him. And yet, in his tireless study of 'American'
+     character, he penetrated even these mysteries.
+
+     "Everything was arranged for the tour during the night before his
+     departure on the _Majestic_. It was a charmingly dark night,
+     admirably suited for those _chiaroscuro_ effects that a
+     black-and-white artist is supposed to seek even in his dreams. An
+     experienced Central Office detective took him in hand with all the
+     _savoir faire_ of an Egyptian dragoman.
+
+
+     "HITTING THE PIPE.
+
+     "With the wisdom of an artist and the news-sense of a Park Row
+     hustler, Mr. Furniss lit a cigarette, and said:
+
+     "'Show me all.'
+
+     "This remark filled me with terror. Was it right to permit this
+     well-meaning but over-zealous friend of my country, my people and
+     myself to sound the depths of social degradation in the metropolis
+     and lard an otherwise charming book with screed and sketches
+     dragged from the slums? He was likely to mistake Donovan's Lane for
+     Harlem Lane, and Paradise Square for Maddison Square! Any man would
+     be liable to do so after a few days' visit to a strange city. How
+     many of the American birds of passage who flock to London every
+     summer know the distinction between Mitre and Capel Courts? One is
+     the scene of a ghastly Whitechapel murder; the other is the
+     financial center of the Eastern world!
+
+     [Illustration]
+
+     "When, therefore, it was seen to be impossible to dissuade the
+     talented young caricaturist from his blue-glass view of
+     metropolitan society, it seemed necessary to provide for our
+     self-defence. One of the cleverest pen-and-ink artists in America
+     was engaged to accompany the party as a second detective. A flying
+     visit was paid to Mott Street, and the services of High Lung, a
+     distinguished crayon manipulator, recently arrived (by way of
+     Vancouver and the dark of the moon), were secured to make a
+     Chinese-American caricature of the charming but over-curious
+     Englishman.
+
+     "Everything worked to a charm. Mr. Furniss went where he intended.
+     He saw all. He made sketches. He visited the shrine of the great
+     Joss. He ate birds' nests and rice. He saw the deadly opium smoked,
+     and 'hit the pipe' a few minutes himself.
+
+     "The night came to an end with dawn. Headache destroyed curiosity.
+     Our own faithful, copper-fastened distorter of facial beauty set
+     down in Mr. Furniss's black art what he had seen and did know. Here
+     are the results, H. F. It is to be feared he has imitated your
+     style.
+
+     "Bon voyage, master of the quick and the lead! Draw us, if you
+     must; but draw not the long bow.
+
+                                                           "J. C."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+AUSTRALIA.
+
+     Quarantined--The Receiver-General of Australia--An Australian
+     Guidebook--A Death Trap--A Death Story--The New Chum--Commercial
+     Confessions--Mad Melbourne--Hydrophobia--Madness--A Land Boom--A
+     Paper Panic--Ruin.
+
+     SYDNEY--The Confessions of a Legislator--Federation--Patrick
+     Francis Moran.
+
+     ADELAIDE--Wanted, a Harbour--Wanted, an
+     Expression--Zoological--Guinea-pigs--Paradise!--Types--Hell Fire
+     Jack--The Horse--The Wrong Room!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Wise chroniclers are welcome to the opinion that "the dreaded Cape
+Leeuwin was first rounded by a Dutch vessel, 1622." All I can say is
+that the Cape has got sharpened again, for there is no roundness about
+save the billows of the Indian Ocean, which everlastingly dash against
+its side. I'll agree, however, with any chronicler that the cause of the
+chronic fury of the Indian Ocean at this point is caused through anger.
+To call that grand if barren promontory after a twopenny-halfpenny Dutch
+cockle-shell is a gross insult to the thousands of miles of sea between
+that point and any other land. Fortunately the little Dutch vessel had a
+name which sounds all right if only pronounced in plain
+English--_Lioness_ in place of _Leeuwin_--but the vessel might have been
+called _Rats_, or _Schnapps_, or some other name even less dignified,
+and one that would have been adopted just the same. It is the principle
+of the thing that the great sea objects to, and it is not slow to show
+its rage, as all who round it know full well. Chroniclers are found who
+seem to have agreed that the name is the whole cause of the roaring
+winds and waves around Cape Leeuwin, but that the roughness is in
+reality the result of satisfaction in bearing one so awe-inspiring, and
+that the "Lioness" is trying to live up to her natural wildness and
+fury, and fully succeeding in doing it.
+
+I regret that I was in too great a hurry to visit Fremantle, which lies
+at the head of the Lioness, particularly as on my journey to Australia I
+had cut out the following passage from a description I came across of
+that place. I read this, and re-read it, and still continue to read it,
+as a choice specimen of the guide-book-maker's delirium:
+
+"The first _coup d'oeil_ of Fremantle is a white scattered township on
+an undulating plain fringed by a sea-beach and scant vegetation. As you
+land you are struck on all sides with the unusual activity around you.
+Long sinuous trains of loaded cargo trucks are coming and going,
+locomotive whistles warning the pedestrian to beware, lines of rails
+intersecting each other, crowds of lumpers, and the busy air of a large
+shipping centre bewilder you, and you are carried back to some old-world
+port where ships of all nations call and disgorge their lading."
+
+[Illustration: COALING.]
+
+There! Are you not anxious to go to a place with the assurance that you
+will be struck on all sides as soon as you land with unusual activity?
+Do you not burn to see what "a long sinuous train" is like? Are you not
+willing to brave the dangerous locomotives crossing the intersecting
+lines of railways, just to see those crowds of lumpers? Then to be
+bewildered by the busy mercantile air, and before you have time to fully
+realise all this you are to be "carried back to some old-world port
+where ships of all nations call and disgorge their lading."
+
+That last proposal settled my mind; no attractive trains or lumpers,
+undulating plains or scant vegetation, or anything equally attractive,
+would induce me to arrive at a place, after five or six weeks'
+travelling to get there, to find myself at once carried back to some
+old-world port before seeing something of the rest of Australia to repay
+one for the long and tedious journey. I therefore avoided Fremantle.
+
+There is one attraction to visit that port which the traveller from the
+Old World will appreciate, after his experience of the fleecing dues and
+charges at Adelaide, Melbourne, and other Australian ports, in which
+officials all but tear the clothes off the visitor's back to tax them.
+In this port your mantle at least is free.
+
+In spite of the following paragraph from the same source: "Western
+Australia has emerged into the full glare of the world's light and
+renown, and not to know its golden wonders is to argue oneself unknown,"
+I determined to remain in obscurity.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The guide-books assure us Albany deserves more than "passing notice."
+This is true enough, but travellers do not always get a chance of giving
+the place its deserts. This was particularly the case with me on my
+first visit. Quarantine was then in force, and, with my
+fellow-passengers, I was forbidden to land. All I then saw of the people
+of Western Australia was limited to a few hours watching the
+coal-lumpers at work trucking coal along a plank from an ancient hulk
+moored by the side of the P. and O. steamship _Victoria_. After the
+animated scenes of coaling at Malta and Aden, and particularly the wild,
+indescribable scene at Port Said, coaling at Albany fell decidedly
+flat. The only diversion that varied the monotony of the proceedings was
+when a truck would capsize in its Blondin-like trip and pitch the coals
+into the sea.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The most interesting personage in Albany is Captain B----, the harbour
+master. I call him the Receiver-General of Australia, for he is the
+first inhabitant of Australia to receive and welcome the new comer, and
+he is also the last to take farewell of the parting guest. Captain B----
+has held the post of harbour master at King George's Sound, Albany, for
+over thirty years, and, though over seventy years of age, he seems equal
+to many years of service yet. Certainly a stranger gets a good
+impression of the country if he takes Captain B---- as a sample
+Australian, and one wonders, when one sees this fine old salt run up the
+gangway with the agility of a youth of seventeen, whether all
+Australians are equally active. Chatting with Captain B----, I
+complimented him on his youthful physique. "Why, sir," said he, "I can
+climb up anything. I can board the ship hand-over-hand on a rope and
+never touch the side with my feet." This seemed pretty good for a man of
+over seventy, but I did not regard it as an exaggeration. Captain B----
+remembered his father and uncle, both naval men, going to the funeral of
+King George IV. His reminiscences included the experiences of singing in
+a choir at the coronation of the Queen, and also when Her Majesty was
+married. When the Captain ran down the gangway shouting orders to his
+men, the strength of his lungs was as evident as the agility of his
+body. Anyone who took this worthy official as a typical Australian would
+be greatly deceived. Diminutive in stature and voluble in speech, he is
+in every way the reverse to the average-born Australian. The Australian
+is generally tall, not to say lanky, and by no means communicative.
+
+An American walked into the smoking-room of a P. and O. ship outward
+bound, as it was leaving St. George's Sound, threw himself down on a
+sofa, stuck his feet on to a table, spit, and said to those in the
+saloon:
+
+"I thank my stars I am clean out of that one-horse town Albany!"
+
+Another traveller who had joined the ship at the same town and who lay
+huddled up in a corner more dead than alive after a severe attack of
+typhoid followed by pleurisy, remarked:
+
+"Well, you must admit, sir, it is the healthiest place in Western
+Australia."
+
+"Co-rect, stranger--co-rect," replied the Yankee. "Co-rect! guess that's
+why I have cleared out. This darned Albany is 90 per cent. of climate
+and only 10 per cent. of business."
+
+[Illustration: SLEEPY HOLLOW.]
+
+I visited Albany on my return journey. It struck me that in "Sleepy
+Hollow" 90 per cent. of the natives were in bed and the other 10 per
+cent. were dozing on the seats on the parade.
+
+When I started for the Antipodes the place that I looked forward to
+seeing more than any other was Western Australia. It is the part of
+Australia most discussed at home, where it is being boomed with all the
+artifice of the promoter's gang. Every ship brings living cargoes to
+Western Australia; every newspaper is full of Western Australia. On the
+front page are shipping advertisements offering every facility for quick
+and cheap transit; in the centre of the paper leading articles appear to
+ventilate the wonders of the West; towards the end of the paper--in the
+City news--thousands eagerly scan the Stock Exchange for prices of
+Western Australia. There is another column still in which one might find
+interesting news concerning Western Australia--the deaths column.
+
+When I arrived in Australia the one place that I determined nothing
+should drag me to was Western Australia. No, not all the gold in the
+mines would get me to that pestilential plague spot. Here is a place
+boomed "at home" and abroad at the time of Queen Victoria's Jubilee,
+when nightly speeches were made at banquets glorifying the charms of the
+speculators' Eldorado, Western Australia--when columns were written of
+its boasted civilisation, and cheers were given when "Advance Australia"
+was roared out, and bumpers were drunk by the stop-at-home wirepullers.
+Just read the following, published at the moment:--
+
+
+     "A WESTERN PLAGUE SPOT.
+
+     "HOW FEVER IS RAGING IN PERTH.
+
+     "Various visitors to Perth have expressed their opinions upon the
+     awful conditions, from a sanitary point of view, of the Western
+     city, and almost daily news is telegraphed across of the ravages
+     from typhoid, pneumonia, and other diseases in consequence.
+
+     "That the state of affairs is in no way exaggerated by prejudiced
+     outsiders is proved by a full-page account in a recent issue of the
+     Perth _Herald_, and which is headed: 'Typhoid Fever in Perth; An
+     Alarming Situation; The Position of Affairs Grows Worse.'
+
+     "The opinions of doctors, nurses, experts, and others are
+     published, all going to show that public and private action is
+     almost in every case as if the one aim was to increase the
+     death-rate to the highest possible figures.
+
+     "The water supply is contaminated; drainage runs into the catchment
+     area, and even fæcal matter is plainly evident in the samples
+     analysed; there is no supervision of the milk supply; vegetables
+     are grown under most dangerous conditions; stagnant drains are in
+     almost all the streets; about public places of recreation there are
+     fever beds; many of the population are crowded in small
+     boarding-houses like rabbits, and ordinary precautions for the
+     removal of filth neglected, even if that were enough in itself;
+     houses are built on pestilential swamps; the wind blows the dust
+     about spots where the typhoid excrement has been deposited to breed
+     germs by the million; and bread, meat, and other food carts go
+     about uncovered to collect it, as if to make sure that any who
+     escaped all other sources of the danger should not be allowed to
+     escape the plague.
+
+     "Even the public esplanade has to be shunned, the silt from the
+     sewer which is being used for reclaiming being a mass of foul
+     matter.
+
+     "It will interest 't'othersiders' to read this about the conditions
+     of life:--
+
+     "'Many of the dwellings in which the t'othersiders are to be found
+     huddled together are first-class fever "germinators." The rooms are
+     small, the ventilation bad, the bed linen rarely changed, while not
+     the slightest attention whatever is paid to sanitation. It is
+     estimated that there are at least 400 small tenements, from two to
+     five rooms, serving as "boarding" and "lodging" houses, and in
+     these over 3,000 persons are sheltered.'"
+
+Stories of how fortunes are made and lives are lost in the race for
+wealth in Western Australia would fill volumes.
+
+A typical story, and a genuine one to boot, is worth recording. A
+well-known racing man travelling on a steamer round the coast was
+attracted by a seedy, out-of-elbows individual seated all alone. He got
+into conversation with him. The seedy stranger was reticent about
+himself, but voluble about others, particularly those who were making
+their piles in Western Australia--he was going there if he had to walk.
+The idea of a man walking was a repulsive thought to a racing man, so he
+most generously insisted upon this dilapidated acquaintance accepting
+£10 to help him to get to the goldfields. The stranger was to pay him
+back some day if he ever struck oil. Time went on, and one morning the
+Good Samaritan received a letter with the £10 enclosed and a request to
+make an appointment. The two met again. The out-of-elbows
+fellow-traveller turned up to keep the appointment he had asked for,
+dressed in the height of fashion; he not only looked a millionaire, but
+he was one! Yet he was sad and depressed, and recited the history of his
+good fortune to the good-natured sportsman in a most dismal tone. Though
+his words were full of gratitude and thankfulness, he seemed, strange as
+it may appear, somewhat reproachful.
+
+"Yes, thanks to you, I have struck a gold mine, the one the world is now
+talking about, and you shall have half of it; that is the reason I asked
+to see you."
+
+"Not I," was the reply. "I don't want it; besides, you have relatives."
+
+"I had," said the millionaire, looking sorrowfully away. "I had three
+brothers. I was very fond of them, and sent for them when my luck came
+and, thanks to you, my fortune also. They arrived in Western Australia
+full of life and hope and jubilation, three of the finest and strongest
+fellows in the Colonies. They were all dead and buried within a
+month--stricken down by the damned typhoid fever."
+
+[Illustration: PROSPECTORS.]
+
+Every day I spent in Australia I had similar stories to these told
+me--of how those rushing into the death-trap to dig up gold were buried
+themselves instead. Every day I heard of the swindles as well as of the
+sewerage. Both the towns and the business stank. Bogus mines were
+foisted into the "new chum," and huge companies started to work them;
+businesses advertised as big affairs with tremendous capitals were in
+reality a paltry village hut or two, with a few pounds of goods flung
+into them.
+
+If you are not robbed in England right away by such swindles, you are
+invited to sail for Western Australia.
+
+I met the manager of a Western Australian mining property, who was
+justly savage at the influx of "new chums" sent out by the directors of
+the company he represents. These ne'er-do-wells, of all ages and of all
+degrees of stupidity and vice, arrive weekly, with letters of
+recommendation from the London directors, and in most cases actual
+contracts signed for berths as book-clerks, secretaries, corresponding
+clerks, &c., &c.--worthless incumbrances, but, even should they be found
+capable, not a berth open for one per cent. sent out: a fault showing
+that the directors in London are ignorant of the working of things they
+are supposed to direct. A sharp manager, finding himself face to face
+with a cargo of these silly "new chums" so landed, after going carefully
+over the binding contracts they came armed with, addressed them thus:--
+
+"You, Mr. Nogood, hold a contract made in London by your uncle, a
+director of this company, to be engaged on arrival as clerk at £10 a
+week. You, Mr. Boozer, are to be engaged at £6 a week as book-keeper;
+and you, Mr. Flighty, at £5 a week as an assistant engineer, and so on.
+Now, gentlemen, in my position as manager here I may tell you plainly
+that your relatives and friends--the directors in London--are not
+conversant with the business here in detail. Were they, I am certain,
+gentlemen, you would never have signed these contracts agreeing to give
+your valuable services to us for such a ridiculously small remuneration.
+Things are dearer here than in London, you know; you could not live on
+such miserable pittances. Now I am unfortunately in the unhappy position
+that whilst here absolutely at the head of affairs and an autocrat, I am
+at the same time bound to accept these contracts made in London, and am
+therefore powerless to improve your unfortunate acceptances of these
+posts assigned to you. However, if you will agree to tear up these
+contracts I shall engage you weekly all the same, but at double
+salaries. Do you agree to this, gentlemen?"
+
+They all did. The contracts were destroyed, they received double
+salaries, for a fortnight, were not asked to do anything, and were all
+dismissed with a week's notice by the autocrat, the manager of the
+property, who has his picked, tried, and trusted men to do all the work
+necessary.
+
+The Western Australian boom is over. The rooks have plucked every
+feather they can off the poor pigeon. The Land of Promise, the Land of
+Myth, the Land of Sharks and Sharpers, is discovered by the paying
+public, and is in disgrace. Truth will out, and the truth about Western
+Australia is out of the designing promoter's bag now, never to be caught
+in it again. Africa suggests a comparison. In mining there is a great
+difference between Africa and Australia. Take, for instance, the Rand in
+Africa: it is one long reef of general excellence, divided into mines
+all of solid value. Australian mines, with one or two notable
+exceptions, do not run so; they are short, broken and erratic.
+
+Each of these when struck may or may not yield the three ounces to the
+ton they are boomed as having, but what is not explained to the
+investing public is the fact that the mines are limited and
+uncertain--they are not continuous, they are most expensive to open and
+work, and consequently they are practically worthless, and the
+investors' money is swamped and the land shows no return.
+
+A man who has most exceptional experience in mining, in a conversation
+with me used an expression _à propos_ of the character of the mining
+lodes. He said that they were "patchy." That expresses everything
+Australian. Australia is a patchy country. Look at the sheep stations: a
+good season or two, property investment, rush, extravagance, no rain,
+ruin, despair, exodus. So it is with land, with everything--it is
+patchy. The people are patchy. One set, pleasant, refined, kindly,
+lovable; the next objectionable, vulgar, low and detestable.
+
+A friend of mine on board the steamer had the following interesting
+conversation with an Irish lady moving in Australian society:
+
+"Do you happen to know Mrs. Larry O'B. and Mrs. Mike O'C.?
+
+"Do I know thim? Well, iv course I do. Shure, me darlin', both of their
+husbands stood in the same dock wid moi husband on their thrial for
+murder--for killin' a process server in Oireland years ago. Moi husband
+was acquitted, worse luck!"
+
+"Worse luck?"
+
+"Yis. Maybe y'don't know as how the other two gintlemen got sintinced
+and were sent out here as convicts, and both of thim now are
+millionaires, and my poor man is still workin' hard for his livin' in
+the ould counthry."
+
+Hydrophobia is unknown in Australia. A traveller on arrival has his pet
+dog taken from him and the poor animal is thrust into quarantine for six
+months. These four millions of inhabitants, spread over the largest
+colony in the world, consider themselves so precious they quarantine
+everything and everybody but lunatics. Why not quarantine lunatics? Are
+they not dangerous? Did not a whole city go mad? Stark, staring, raving
+mad--Mad Melbourne--and yet a Maltese terrier is quarantined in the same
+port for six months!
+
+[Illustration: QUARANTINE ISLAND.]
+
+Yet lunatics arrive and make lunacy rampant, and a whole city is left
+after such a visitation an asylum of melancholia--Mad Melbourne. Lunacy
+frequently takes the form of egotism. Peasants imagine themselves
+princes; Calibans believe themselves to be Adonises; beggars imagine
+themselves millionaires. It is a harmless vanity and hurts no one, but a
+mad city may ruin thousands by suddenly imagining itself a gold mine.
+Melbourne a few years ago imagined it suddenly became the hub of the
+universe. The world and his wife had but one burning desire--that was to
+live in Melbourne. Some lunatic started this ridiculous idea, and the
+boom spread like lightning. Melbourne was by this magic boom turned into
+an Aladdin cave. No prairie fire ever started with such suddenness,
+with such fury, burning up, as it leapt and galloped along, all the
+reasoning powers and common sense of the people. Those who cleared a
+space around them to avoid destruction were tongued by the fire of
+speculation, and before they could move away were irreparably lost.
+Great and small, old and young, were carried away in the blaze of
+speculation. The frightened reptiles and beasts running in front to
+escape it were, it was thought, miserable fools who had not the pluck or
+sense to aid in setting speculation in Melbourne on fire. A fanciful
+picture on paper this? True, so was the great boom of 1887 merely a
+fanciful picture on paper. Had it been otherwise banks would not have
+failed, nor would families have been ruined wholesale, nor would trade
+and speculation have been left charred roots and stubble on the scene of
+folly--Mad Melbourne.
+
+It is difficult to say how it began--it is unnecessary to say how it
+ended. I am told that at the height of the boom Melbourne went
+frantically and absolutely mad. Poor men and women rushed about fancying
+that they had suddenly become millionaires. In the few hours between
+breakfast and lunch they had bought a piece of land for £1,000, and in a
+few hours had sold the same block for £10,000--on paper. They then heard
+that the purchaser had re-sold it for £20,000 before dinner, they bought
+it back for £30,000, and re-sold it over supper again for £50,000, a
+good day's work--on paper. Everyone did the same--all were mad. Money
+flowed in from the Old Country in millions, champagne flowed freely all
+over Melbourne in gallons, everyone was intoxicated with joy and soused
+themselves and their friends in champagne to wash down success. Vehicles
+rushed speculators through the streets, trains whisked them to the land
+free, luncheons free awaited all at every turn, fortunes at every step.
+Melbourne was mad drunk--lost!
+
+Buildings--comfortable, sensible buildings--were pulled down and "sky
+scrapers" and mansions were erected in their places. Bridges, good for a
+hundred years to come, were pulled down and millions spent in erecting
+in place of the old ones others not more serviceable or of more use.
+Huge docks, not wanted, were built at fabulous outlays--all these
+buildings stand as monuments of Melbourne's Madness.
+
+The extraordinary good spirits of the Melbournites is a healthy sign.
+Those who not only lost all their money invested, chagrined by their
+folly and left with liabilities that will cripple them for life, smile
+and bear their fall right cheerily.
+
+Some of these notes made by me whilst seeing the Kangarooists at home
+"in a hurry" may not be received in the proper spirit. All new countries
+are sensitive, and resent truths coming from a stranger, while at the
+same time their home critics, though far more severe, are tolerated and
+unchallenged. Now I met one of the most prominent Australians, a man of
+the world, a leading legal light and a Member of Parliament. It was in
+the Legislative Chamber I had a conversation with him on matters
+Australian. He led off: "This bit of a place here (Sydney), with a
+population less than that of a second-class provincial town in England,
+has in it people with more cheek than would be found in the capitals of
+London, Paris and St. Petersburg rolled into one. Why, these people have
+some ingrained vain idea that everything and everybody connected with
+them are the most important things and the most important people in the
+world. Small-minded people in a large country--that is what they are--a
+country the size of Europe with a population less than that of London
+with the intellect of a country village. That is Australia."
+
+[Illustration: I AM INVITED TO PRESENT MYSELF.]
+
+"And divided among themselves. Do you believe in Federation?"
+
+This conversation took place in June, 1897, and three years after,
+Australian Federation had become a reality. It is therefore interesting
+to repeat the opinion of this important Australian on Federation,
+exactly as it took place:
+
+"Well--yes and no. I believe in the principle, properly worked, in a
+country ripe for it; but here in Australia, my dear sir, we do not know
+what federal government means. I have travelled round and round the
+world--ha! ha! not in a hurry, my dear sir, but with the object of
+seeing and learning all about the political workings of countries as
+well as other subjects. I travel so much sometimes that on waking in the
+morning I have to rub my eyes to think for a moment whether I am in St.
+Petersburg or Ottawa, San Francisco or London. I travel so much, one
+country and another to me is like walking out of this room into the
+next. I am, in this respect, an exception. This place is provincial, the
+minds of the people are essentially provincial, they do not understand
+big questions--Federation is a very big question. Now, sir, I am shown a
+new machine that you have at home for cutting your hair--good, it is
+scientific, a thing of beauty and tremendously costly. I say, 'Yes,
+that's all very well, but I cannot see how Mr. Furniss can afford
+such a machine for cutting his hair.' Then everyone cries: 'Oh, he
+does not believe hair should be cut!' Why, I say nothing of the
+sort--hair-cutting is an excellent thing, a necessary thing perhaps, but
+why have in a small establishment tremendous machinery to do it?"
+
+At that moment I caught sight of my head in a glass; the same thought
+struck me, why indeed?
+
+"That is Federation here," my interesting acquaintance continued. "Here,
+in this little bit of a community, not the population of one
+city--London--spread over the whole of it want five separate governments
+to govern those few millions cut up into States!"
+
+From all I could gather, Federation in Australia might possibly be
+realised some day, but it would be in the dim and distant future,
+certainly not "in our time"!
+
+There is a good story told _à propos_ of the candidature of "The
+Cardinal." Of course, the votes recorded for him were solely Catholic,
+the Irish turning up in great force. Two gentlemen from Erin were found
+fighting a deadly battle. When separated and the battle changed for one
+of words in place of blows, Mike declared that he'd "livil the baste to
+the ground for not voting for the Cardinal."
+
+"And who has he voted for?"
+
+"Whoi the blackguard tills me he's voted for Patrick Francis Moran--who
+ever heard of Patrick Francis Moran?"
+
+"Oive voted for the Cardinal--iv course Oi have," replied the other,
+"and it's glad Oi am that Oive nearly kilt that varmint for Moran's
+sake!"
+
+Needless to explain to you Patrick Francis Moran was the Cardinal.
+
+Kangarooists drive engines much in the same way as they drive horses, or
+anything else--a reckless, devil-may-care style.
+
+A certain driver in Queensland was told to run the journey through and
+make no stoppages--this just suited him. On he went. He found the iron
+gates closed at a crossing in a town he passed through; he did not pull
+up--not he--he rushed right through, carrying the gates away. Of course,
+he was reprimanded for this recklessness.
+
+"You might have killed the passengers."
+
+"Why, we only carried two!"
+
+This satisfied the Enquiry Committee as reasonable--in Australia.
+
+This Queensland driver has his prototype in New South Wales. You will
+find him on the express between Melbourne and Sydney, known as "Hell
+Fire Jack," a _sobriquet_ he has gained by his dash and daring in
+running the express. He had brought us on at a rare rate, and having
+completed the middle run, we pulled up to exchange drivers and engines.
+The conductor noticed me gazing at the portly form of the engine-driver,
+who had just jumped off.
+
+"That is Hell Fire Jack. Jack is a wonder--here we are a quarter of an
+hour before time, and Jack had an hour and a half to make up in his
+run--he did it--Jack always does--he'd make up anything. It's he as
+nearly got the sack for making a splendid run some time ago--160 miles
+without a stop. Nothing wrong in that? Well, you see we had four stops
+to make in that 160 miles, and he didn't make 'em. Some bookies in the
+train wanted to get to the races, and made Jack a handsome bet he
+couldn't get 'em there in time--Jack did--that's all--bless you, he's a
+wonder--never had an accident neither, not one! He knows all about
+engines--can stop and mend 'em on the road if it's wanted. And you ought
+to see him pick up his express disc with his train going at 60 miles an
+hour. There is a little arm sticks out of the side of the engine, and
+the disc is suspended at the station. Jack takes it, as I say, going 60
+miles an hour, never eases up--not he--but the disc he has to drop in
+its place has fallen off long before! and the next train has to wait an
+hour to find it. Oh, Jack is a wonder--good-bye, Jack!"
+
+I returned to the carriage relieved by knowing that Hell Fire Jack was
+no longer in charge. Two men were conversing about travelling of a
+different kind--one was saying to the other: "Why, the last time we met
+was on the Coolgardie Coach--wasn't as smooth going as this, eh? ha! ha!
+I shall never forget our driver--don't you remember how drunk he was,
+and how we had to tie him into his seat?--and when he did upset us we
+went flying a couple of hundred yards away. I saw him as I was landing
+on my head on the rock tied to his seat turning over, laughing at us. I
+wonder what became of the old lady and gentleman inside--they carried
+'em off for dead, you know. He did make those horses fly--they were glad
+of the rest, never moved when first down, did they?"
+
+I suppose this was the joke of a Hell Fire Tom. Motor-cars will soon be
+introduced into Australia; then we shall hear of Hell Fire Harry--and a
+funeral.
+
+The Kangarooists really do not value life as we in the Old Country
+do--they certainly do not value horseflesh. You can buy a good horse for
+one shilling. Catsmeat in London is dearer than live horseflesh in
+Australia. They ride and drive anything and everything.
+
+I recollect visiting the best-known horse-bazaar in the Colonies, and
+was shown round by an expert.
+
+"That horse is all right, but I can't recommend it as a stayer. You want
+it for harness? Well, I don't like to deceive you; it ain't much good
+after going seventy miles--no, it's a rotten-hearted beast. It might go
+eighty miles at a stretch, but I won't guarantee more."
+
+"Eighty miles! Good heavens! In the Old Country half that distance at a
+stretch would mean cruelty to animals."
+
+"Maybe it would--those English horses have the best barrels in the
+world, and they are pretty to look at, but no legs. Why, 120 miles is a
+decent run here; rough work through the bush too, but then soft as
+tan--no hard roads like in the Old Country, you know."
+
+"Yes, but the bush is the bush, and you have to go up and down ravines
+and over trees and obstacles of all kinds."
+
+"Right you are. It frightens you at first, but, like the Irishman who
+said his wife didn't mind a beating as she had got so accustomed to it,
+these horses are accustomed to the ups-and-downs of the bush, and you
+get accustomed to it too after a few hours. You may have it pretty
+rough. Lor' bless you, some never stop at anything--there's Jack
+Madcapper and Tom Devil McCary, why, they are daisies. They buy their
+horses here--well, they work 'em, never stop to open a gate, let the
+horses go and clear it, over they go buggy and all. Fences? Well it's a
+little relish now and then to jump 'em, and you ought to see the buggies
+fly in the air. They always take a rope or two to mend up a bit. If a
+horse is injured, they go on with the rest and leave it, and wire us for
+another team. Horses ain't worth thinking about out here, and the gates
+ain't much use, nor the fences either, now that we have nothing to keep
+in them."
+
+I turned to the "vet."
+
+"Valuable race-horses are the best off after all, then?"
+
+"Well, they have neither bits of gates nor fancy fences to negotiate;
+they have stone walls and solid five-foot timber jumps. They have to go
+over the whole lot clear, or come to grief. I have shot about 1,000
+crippled first-class crack racers in ten years on the course alone."
+
+"Then there is no love for the horses here?"
+
+"Nonsense! we love 'em. Why, it is a touching incident, I tell you, when
+I come on the scene to save further pain for the poor animal. The boy
+who has had it in charge runs over with a cloth to throw over his
+favourite. Then he draws me on one side, and says, 'Don't shoot, sir,
+till I'm away, I can't bear it.'"
+
+[Illustration: LANDING AT ADELAIDE.]
+
+Adelaide is a charming place when you get there, but you have to get
+there first. Getting there is no easy matter if you arrive by sea, as
+you must when coming direct from the Old Country. Both for comfort and
+effect Adelaide is better approached by land, as when coming by rail
+from Melbourne. The railway has to cross the range of hills which shuts
+Adelaide in from the east, and some fine views of the city and the
+plains are obtained.
+
+From the anchorage at Largs Bay the city is barely visible, and
+travellers have to take train through Port Adelaide up to the city, a
+journey of about eight miles across the plains. These plains have been
+cleared of trees, and the country is bare and uninteresting.
+
+Before starting on this journey, however, the unhappy voyager has much
+to go through. In this respect Adelaide compares badly with Melbourne
+and Sydney. Sydney harbours the largest steamers in the centre of the
+city; Melbourne allows them to come to the back door--at Port
+Melbourne; while Adelaide compels them to stay outside in the middle of
+the road, or roadstead, and a very rough roadstead it is. When the
+weather is at all fresh, the landing is positively dangerous. The steam
+launches which come out to the mail steamers are bound round from stem
+to stern with huge rope fenders. When the launches are jumping,
+wriggling and plunging alongside the steamers, it is no easy matter to
+get into them, and anyone but a sailor or a professional acrobat would
+find it safest to be lowered over the side in a basket. The voyage to
+the jetty at Largs Bay is a brief epitome of the Bay of Biscay, the
+Australian Bight, and the monsoons of the Indian Ocean. When you reach
+the jetty, you are hoisted on to it by practised hands as the launch
+jumps to the right level. Then--splash! and up comes a green sea through
+the boards and you are wet to the skin. Bathing, it seems, like
+education, is "free and compulsory" at Adelaide. Perhaps this is a part
+of the quarantine operations--disinfection by salt water. This sea bath
+is, however, the only thing, as far as I am aware, that the traveller
+gets for nothing in South Australia. Passengers' baggage is charged for
+when it lands at the jetty at the rate of 1_s._ 3_d._ per cwt., and the
+same has to be paid on leaving. When at last you get into the
+train!--such a train! but perhaps the railway department does not like
+the risk of having good carriages soiled by passengers' wet clothes--you
+compare this "boat express" with those of Folkestone, Dover, Harwich,
+and Southampton. The first-class carriages are not equal to the
+third-class on the English lines. Being an express, this train runs more
+than a mile without stopping. Then you have to change trains. When you
+get along again, you notice that the railway to Port Adelaide runs along
+the street without any fence whatever to prevent people from driving or
+walking on to the line. Fatalities of course are common, and excite
+little notice; bolting horses and consequent accidents are of almost
+daily occurrence, and the local residents get quite to enjoy being
+pitched out of their buggies. Life here cannot be dull, while it lasts.
+Passengers are lucky if they reach Adelaide within an hour and a half
+of leaving the steamer, the distance being about ten miles.
+
+The Zoological Gardens of Adelaide are particularly fine. The situation
+is lovely, the plan is excellent, and originality shown in the design of
+the houses. The specimens are fairly numerous and all excellent of their
+kind, and at most points, this is the best "Zoo" in the Colonies. The
+most original house is that of the guinea-pigs, which is a huge doll's
+house, complete with blinds and even a scraper at the door, and an
+inscription outside, "School for Young Ladies--conducted by the Misses
+Guinea Pig." The cage that attracted me most was that of Pondicherry
+vultures. Mr. Gladstone has often been caricatured as a grand old bird,
+but the Pondicherry vulture is a replica of the veteran statesman,
+collar and all.
+
+[Illustration: PONDICHERRY VULTURES.]
+
+[Illustration: THE MAID OF THE INN.]
+
+There are many beautiful drives around Adelaide--at least, as beautiful
+as is possible when the scenery is marred by a barrenness of soil, a
+lack of greenness in the grass, an absence of wild flowers, and a dull
+uniform and sombre tint upon all the trees. The hills, which look
+somewhat featureless from the city, are riven in a hundred places by
+rocky gorges or gullies, and many well-made roads cross the range at
+various points. The roads to Belair and Mount Lofty, to Green Hill,
+Marble Hill, Moriatta, and a score of other places, give at numerous
+points fine views of the hills and the plain, and some of the
+waterfalls, notably the one at Waterfall Gully and at Fourth Creek, are
+eminently picturesque in a rugged way. I was advised to ignore all these
+beauty spots in favour of one--namely, Paradise. The name seemed to
+augur well, and my adviser seemed so serious that I determined to make
+my way to Paradise. In my mind I conjured up a place of infinite romance
+and beauty, the choice of all the pleasant places in a pleasant land;
+the Garden of Eden of the Southern Hemisphere. Expectation was at flood
+with sunny imaginings as I journeyed over level and dusty roads towards
+this land of promise. I drew Paradise as I saw it, and the sketch will
+tell more about its beauties than volumes of description. I made for the
+hotel, and there I found a lady who took me into the garden and pointed
+out a gap in the fence through which I could squeeze my way into
+Paradise. I went expecting to be rewarded by a glimpse of the romantic
+and picturesque of which I was in search. I had been told of the
+wonderful orange groves of this place. There were trees with oranges
+growing--about enough to feed an average school-treat; and at last I saw
+the point of all the joke--a girl-child was tempting a boy to steal
+oranges; the serpent had left, so I made for the hole in the fence and
+quitted Paradise for ever, I have looked for the humorist who sent me
+there, but we have not met since, which is perhaps as well.
+
+[Illustration: THE WAY INTO PARADISE.]
+
+[Illustration: PARADISE.]
+
+One of the chief characteristics of Australian city life is its lack of
+characteristic features. The types of civilised humanity one meets might
+be denizens of Islington or Battersea for any distinguishing trait to
+stamp them as Antipodeans. There is a certain breezy familiarity and
+absence of suavity in their manners and deportment, but otherwise they
+are an average lot of mixed Britishers and no more.
+
+[Illustration: ADAM AND EVE.]
+
+As soon as I arrived I went about in search of a type of the Australian
+girl for my pictures, and was sketching one from my hotel window as
+typical of a real Australian, when the Captain of our ship came in and
+said, "Oh, there's that Cockney, Miss So-and-so!"
+
+She came over in our ship second-class, and had never been in Australia
+before!
+
+I recollect a similar instance in Ottawa, Canada. I was returning from
+Government House, where I had been taken by the Mayor to sign the
+visitors' book, and as we were returning in the electric car I sat
+opposite a fine, smart specimen of a youth. I whispered to my Canadian
+acquaintance, "Is that a genuine type of a true Canadian?"
+
+"Yes, a perfect type."
+
+I made the sketch.
+
+The following evening I was the guest at Government House, and to my
+surprise I noticed that one of the servants at dinner was the typical
+Canadian I had sketched. He was MacSandy, fresh from Aberdeen!
+
+But if I have been mistaken, others are sometimes mistaken in me, for a
+few hours before the surprise recorded above happened I was in my hotel
+in Ottawa, the morning after I had appeared in the Opera House in the
+"Humours of Parliament." An eminent Canadian divine was ushered into my
+quarters, and addressing me said:
+
+"Allow me to introduce myself, and to say that I listened with the
+greatest pleasure and profit to your most admirable discourse last
+evening."
+
+I bowed my very best.
+
+[Illustration: A TYPE.]
+
+"I must say," continued the rev. gentleman, "that your efforts in the
+cause of Christianity in this city are marked by a fervour and
+earnestness that cannot fail to convert."
+
+"Really," I said, "you flatter me."
+
+"Ah, no, sir; you are one of the brave soldiers of Christianity who
+march through the world addressing huge audiences and influencing the
+masses, taking life seriously, and denouncing frivolity and
+worldliness."
+
+"Well," I said, "I don't think I do any harm, but I must disclaim for my
+poor efforts to amuse--"
+
+"Amuse, sir!" repeated the astonished divine. "Surely I am speaking to
+the gentleman whose stirring discourse it was my good fortune to listen
+to last evening in Dominion Church?"
+
+"No, sir, I was in the Grand Opera House."
+
+"Then you are not Dr. Munhall, the Revivalist?"
+
+"Bless you, no, sir. I am Furniss, the caricaturist."
+
+"Good gracious! where's the door? Let me out! They have brought me to
+the wrong room!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+PLATFORM CONFESSIONS.
+
+     Lectures and Lecturers--The Boy's Idea--How to Deliver It--The
+     Professor--The Actors--My First Platform--Smoke--Cards--On the
+     Table--Nurses--Some Unrehearsed Effects--Dress--A Struggle with a
+     Shirt--A Struggle with a Bluebottle--Sir William Harcourt Goes
+     out--My Lanternists Go Out--Chairmen--The Absent Chairman--The
+     Ideal Chairman--The Political Chairman--The Ignorant
+     Chairman--Chestnuts--Misunderstood--Advice to Those about to
+     Lecture--I am Overworked--"'Arry to Harry."
+
+
+[Illustration: QUEEN'S HALL, LONDON. I WAS THE FIRST TO SPEAK FROM THE
+PLATFORM.]
+
+That hateful word "lecture"! Oh, how I detest it! In the juvenile brain
+it conjures up mental punishment in the shape of a scolding, for to be
+"lectured" is to be verbally flogged, and the wrathful words that smite
+the youthful ear carry with them just as sharp a sting as the knots of
+the lash that fall on the hapless back of the prison culprit.
+
+To the boyish mind the lecturer is pictured as an old fossil to whom he
+has to listen attentively for an hour without understanding a word of
+his learned discourse. The funereal blackboard, the austere diagrams,
+the severe pointer and the chilly glass of water, a professor something
+like one of the prehistoric creatures he is talking about, with his long
+hair and long words, his egotistical learning, his platitudes and pauses
+and mumblings, combine to depress the youngster, who all the time is
+longing for the fresh air and an hour of cricket or football. Then the
+notes he is supposed to take! True, there is a certain momentary feeling
+of pleasure and importance on acquiring the first clean, new notebook
+and long, well-sharpened pencil, but it is of very, very brief duration.
+The boy won't be happy till he gets it, but he's anything but happy when
+he's got it! He sees (of course I refer here to public lectures) some
+"prehistoric gurls," as an Irish boy once termed them to me, taking
+copious notes, but the long words and learned phrases stagger the
+budding scientist and befog his as yet undeveloped brain. I am speaking
+from my experience when I attended the first of a series of lectures by
+leading professors of the Dryasdust species.
+
+Nor does the subsequent cross-examination by the parents enhance in the
+youthful idea the pleasure of being lectured to.
+
+In boyhood's days the student has to attend his lectures, and when they
+are over he rejoices accordingly; but what about the lectures in after
+life? Although I have given many of these latter myself, I cannot say
+that my experience as one of the audience has been very extensive, as I
+have only heard one or two. The first I heard was delivered by Professor
+Herkomer some years ago. The subject interested me, as I thought I knew
+more about it than the lecturer himself, and Herkomer's delivery was
+particularly good, but it was a "lecture" in the strict sense of the
+word. We were scolded, and went away like whipped boys. When I stood on
+that identical platform a few years afterwards _I_ scolded everybody--it
+is the duty of the lecturer to do so.
+
+A lecturer must be a personage altogether superior--this is essential.
+If he does not possess this attribute, he must assume it. Modesty is
+ineffective; mock-modesty is distasteful; you must instruct your
+audience. The commonest platitudes will serve if you call it a
+"lecture," and address them to an audience as if they were a lot of
+school children.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When a lecture-entertainment has been written, the question then is how
+to deliver it. Now, with the exception of returning thanks for "art" or
+"literature" or for "the visitors" now and then at a City banquet, I was
+quite unaccustomed to public speaking. A friend of mine suggested I
+should take lessons in elocution from "one of those actor fellows." "It
+is not what you say but how you say it," he said to me. "Indeed!" I
+replied, rather nettled. "Matthew Arnold had a wretched delivery, and I
+think there was something in what he said." "True, but you are not a
+Matthew Arnold, nor I should say a George Dawson either. So take lessons
+in elocution, my boy, and save yourself and your audience." Therefore,
+modestly I went to consult a professor of elocution with my lecture in
+my pocket, feeling very much as I did when I first walked to school, or
+to my first editor with my youthful artistic attempts. I had, by the
+way, attended an elocution class and a drawing class in my school days,
+but no boy was expected to learn anything from either.
+
+It is curious to notice how parents willingly subscribe to the school
+extra, "Elocution class," in the belief that it gives boys confidence. I
+was a nervous boy, so I joined. The drawing extra certainly gives a boy
+confidence, because he sees the feeble productions of the drawing-master
+and feels he has little to learn in order to become one himself. I shall
+never forget my first attempt in the elocution class at school. The
+Professor selected a piece for the day--it was to be learned
+letter-perfect. Now I unfortunately parodied it and burlesqued the
+Professor, who stood at the end of the library, giving us suitable
+actions to the words. We all faced him like a company of soldiers formed
+in a square. Being small, I, sheltered by the big boys in front,
+indulged in my antics with impunity. Certainly I did not want confidence
+at that moment. This over, we sat down round the library, and then the
+custom was to call out a boy to recite the piece of the day alone for
+the benefit of the others. He called upon me! Confidence had fled. I was
+not struck with stage fright, but with Professor fright. I tried to
+repeat the words and thought I did, but not until I was stigmatised by
+the Professor as incorrigible, and ordered to sit down, was I aware that
+I had really given my parody and not the piece.
+
+When I went in search of another Professor this incident of my last came
+to my memory, and I felt unhappy. Attitude is everything, thought I. I
+shall look in at the picture galleries as I pass and compare the
+oratorical attitudes of the people of the past. I was rehearsing before
+one in the National Gallery when my antics attracted a lady. I looked
+round to see the effect--she was laughing. It was Miss Mary Anderson,
+the celebrated actress. I told her I was about to lecture and was on my
+way to take lessons in elocution. "Do nothing of the sort," she cried.
+"The public does not want to hear your attempts at elocution. Say what
+you have to say in your own way. Speak slowly and distinctly, and let
+everyone hear right at the end of the room." So it came to pass that
+Miss Mary Anderson was my only teacher in elocution, and this was the
+only lesson I received. Although what I say on the platform may not be
+worth listening to, I take good care that no one has to ask me to speak
+up, and put their hands to their ears to hear what I am saying; nor do I
+think, as I avoid the "preachy" style of delivery, my audiences get
+weary of hearing my voice.
+
+[Illustration: MISS MARY ANDERSON.]
+
+
+MY FIRST PLATFORM.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"By desire," I rehearsed my first lecture, "Art and Artists," at the
+Savage Club, previous to my giving it in public. In those days the
+Savages smoked their pipe of peace in a long room in the Savoy,
+overlooking the graveyard where so many of their tribe lay at rest. I
+recollect the reading-room at the back looked on to a huge building with
+mournful black lettering on it, announcing the fact that it was the
+office of some Necropolis. Truly a doleful surrounding for the club
+whose members are engaged in promoting the gaiety of nations! The long
+room was divided into two, the longer portion being the dining-room, and
+the smaller one the card-room, and on Saturday evenings, when they all
+sat round smoking their calumets, and singing their songs, and dancing
+their war-dances, the room was tried to its utmost capacity, and as on
+the occasion to which I am referring the tribe paid me the compliment of
+assembling in its numbers, the whole room was required. It was late in
+the evening when I arrived, and I found the lanternist in a state of
+agitation because the partition was not down, and he was, therefore,
+unable to put up the screen, as the card-players vigorously protested
+against any disturbance.
+
+Now it has always struck me, perhaps more forcibly on this occasion than
+on any other, that the most selfish men on the face of the earth are to
+be found in the card-rooms of clubs. The time was close at hand for me
+to make my maiden effort in public lecturing, and I was not going to be
+baffled by a handful of card-players; so, backed by the authority of the
+secretary, I ordered them in Cromwellian tones to "Take away that
+partition!" The players were all but invisible, surrounded as they were
+by volumes of smoke, out of which there issued incalculable quantities
+of great big D's intermixed with the fumes of poisonous nicotine. Down
+went the partition, up went the screen, on went the game. I firmly
+believe they would not have looked up had Cavendish come to deliver a
+discourse from the platform on whist. I was quite prepared to proceed
+without disturbing their game, but a difficulty arose--there was no
+platform, and I required their tables for the purpose. The grumbling
+gamblers had to submit at last, and cards in hand they betook themselves
+to another room, so I was able to mount my first platform--a collection
+of tables. Now I don't know how it is, but it is a fact that there is
+nothing more unnerving than to stand on a table. The infantile prodigy
+who is put up on a table for the first time so as to be better admired
+by fair visitors, and who has previously struggled manfully from one end
+of the room to the other on the floor, totters and falls at the first
+step when raised to this higher elevation. Anyone can with ease stand on
+a chair and hang up a picture or anything of the sort, but standing on a
+table has the effect of making you grow weak in the knees and light in
+the head. This is not the effect of the extra height, but the knowledge
+that the table was constructed so that you could put your feet under it,
+and, therefore, they have no right on top of it.
+
+Have you ever been in a court of justice in Ireland and seen a witness
+perched upon a table? In that enlightened country a table takes the
+place of the witness-box. The result is delightful. Standing in a
+witness-box and leaning comfortably over the bar, you can be
+comparatively at your ease, your legs can tremble unobserved, and you
+seem to be in a measure protected from the searching gaze of the public.
+Not so in the Emerald Isle. The chair is placed in the centre of the
+table in the well of the court between the judges and the counsel, and
+the unfortunate witness, finding himself in this elevated and awkward
+position, becomes nervous in the extreme. His feet are a great source of
+discomfort to him. He doesn't seem to know what to do with them. First
+he tucks them under the chair, then he crosses them, then he turns his
+toes out, then he turns them in, and just when he is beginning to get
+accustomed to his embarrassing situation, the cross-examination begins,
+and he is at the counsel's mercy:
+
+"Now thin, don't be gaping at the jury, sir; why arrn't you respectful
+and keep your eye on his lordship?"
+
+"Now, sir, attind to me whin I'm speaking, look me straight in the face,
+and answer me!"
+
+"D'ye see this gintleman on me right? Now, now, don't hisitate, keep
+cool!"
+
+It is more than the poor witness can do to keep on the chair. The judge
+is on his right, the counsel on the left, and the jury in front of him,
+and after vainly trying to keep his eye on them all at the same time, in
+obedience to his counsel's injunctions, he is requested by the opposing
+counsel to observe some witness in the court behind him. In my opinion
+the witness ought to be provided with a swivel chair, or else the clerks
+who sit round ought to be adepts in the art of table-turning.
+
+[Illustration: GIVING MY "HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT" TO THE NURSES.]
+
+Some years later I had another experience of speaking from an impromptu
+platform; perhaps the most unique audience I ever addressed. It was at
+Merchant Taylors' Hall, when a reception was given to hospital nurses
+from all over the kingdom. My pencil perhaps can give a better idea of
+the sundry and various varieties of the "nursus hospitalicus" from the
+different nurseries of the country. There was no proper platform or
+stage, so the attendants had the task of moving all the heavy tables in
+the splendid hall together, so as to form a substitute. This I thought
+very efficient, but when I mounted it I found that I could much better
+have given an exhibition of fancy sliding or skating than illustrations
+of the pedestrian peculiarities of Members of Parliament. I was inwardly
+pleased to think that my audience was entirely composed of skilled
+nurses, who were close at hand should anything happen, for I had serious
+misgivings about the slippery surface of my improvised stage. Visions of
+myself with a broken arm or leg floated before me, and, indeed, I don't
+think I should have been so very sorry had an accident occurred, so
+enraptured was I by the sight of so much feminine beauty.
+
+Those in front were all seated on the floor, while the rest were
+standing in the huge hall, there being no seats. I noticed that the
+prettiest dress was that worn by the nurses from the lunatic asylums. I
+felt that I would eventually come under the supervision of these ladies,
+for a military band, regardless of my performance, was playing a
+selection from the "Gondoliers" just outside in the corridor, and if I
+had not had it stopped, I would certainly have gone out of my mind. I
+particularly noticed on this evening that various points were passed
+over in silence by my audience which are invariably taken by others. In
+the second part of my entertainment I make a speech in the character of
+the "Member for Boredom," anent the use of black sticking-plaster in
+public hospitals. This is intended by me to be more of a satire than a
+humorous incident, and I am supposed to bore my audience as the
+honourable gentleman is supposed to bore the House; but on this occasion
+the nurses, who understood very little about politics, simply roared
+with laughter at the mention of a subject with which they were so
+familiar. Truth to tell, I was rather doubtful whether I had succeeded
+in entertaining the charming ladies, and was therefore particularly
+gratified to receive the following note from Sir Henry Burdett:
+
+     "DEAR MR. FURNISS,--I hope you were satisfied with your audience
+     after all. They were quite delighted with your 'Humours of
+     Parliament,' and the fame of your handiwork will be carried all
+     over the United Kingdom and to the Colonies, for there were over
+     1,100 nurses present, and some from the Colonies. This is the
+     greatest gathering of nurses which has ever been held, and I was
+     much struck with the discipline they displayed in responding
+     cheerfully to the request that they would keep quiet and settle
+     down.
+
+     "If you were as pleased with the audience as they were with you,
+     the meeting ought indeed to be a happy one....
+
+     "With many thanks for your most excellent and successful
+     performance, which gave just _éclat_ to the gathering to-night,
+
+                  "Believe me, faithfully yours,
+                                     "HENRY C. BURDETT."
+
+The most difficult audience of all to address is a small audience. I
+feel far more at home before an audience of three or four thousand than
+I do before three or four hundred. But the most critical audience, I
+think, is a boys' school. Not that they criticise you so much at the
+moment, particularly if you appear as an antidote to Dryasdust. But
+experience has shown me that something one may have said has opened a
+fresh idea in the youthful mind, and the criticism, though frequently
+belated, is more genuine than that of the matured members of the public
+who simply wish to be amused for the passing hour.
+
+[Illustration: SPEAKER BRAND, AFTERWARDS VISCOUNT HAMPDEN.]
+
+Sometimes I have discovered in my audience public men I am "taking off"
+in my entertainment. This more frequently happened in the "Humours of
+Parliament," where the M.P. of the place in which I appeared came if I
+was not too unkind to him. But it more often happened he sent a member
+of the family in advance, to find out whether the great man was
+lampooned or not.
+
+A friend of mine on a visit to a country house informed me that his
+hostess, seeing I was "billed" for two nights in the neighbourhood,
+previous to arranging a house party to hear me, took the precaution to
+send the Curate the first night to report. He came back and condemned me
+and my show unmercifully; my manner, matter, and voice were all bad, and
+I was certainly not worth hearing. So the party did not go. It so
+happened that in the particular entertainment I was giving--"America in
+a Hurry"--I imitate a lisping country parson struggling through a
+wretched entertainment with a lantern!
+
+The most trying, at the same time most interesting, experience I had was
+in my first tour with my "Humours of Parliament," when I appeared at
+Lewes. The ex-Speaker of the House of Commons, Viscount Hampden, was in
+my audience, and it was interesting to watch him as I gave my imitations
+of him, calling an unruly Member to order.
+
+It was all but arranged for me to give my "Humours of Parliament"
+before her late Majesty at Balmoral. I got as far as Aberdeen, but a
+death in the Royal Family put a stop to all entertainments.
+
+
+SOME UNREHEARSED EFFECTS.
+
+The dress suit and the regulation white tie are essential to those who
+appear in public upon the platform. Mr. Frederick Villiers, the popular
+war correspondent, is an exception to this rule. He appears in his
+campaigning attire, with his white helmet on and a water-bottle slung
+round him; but of course it would be somewhat incongruous for a man in
+evening dress, that emblem of civilisation and peace, more suggestive of
+the drawing-room than the battle-field, to dilate upon the platform on
+the horrors of campaigning, and to take you through the stirring scenes
+of "War on a White Sheet." It would be equally absurd for a lecturer on,
+say, "The Life and Habits of a Microbe," to be dressed in the garb of a
+backwoodsman; but I was once obliged to deliver a lecture on "Art" in a
+rough tweed suit.
+
+It so happened that I was giving a series of lectures in the vicinity of
+Birmingham, and I was stopping with a friend of mine, the Director of
+the Art Gallery and Museum there. He suggested my leaving my Gladstone
+bag, containing my change of clothes, in his office, while I spent my
+day rummaging about old book shops for first editions and making calls
+on various friends. My host having had to go to London that day, I was
+left to my own devices, and it was about five o'clock in the evening
+when I went to the Museum for my belongings. To my horror I saw a notice
+up: "Museum closed at three o'clock on Wednesdays," and this was
+Wednesday! I rang and knocked, and knocked and rang, but all in vain. I
+crossed over to some other municipal buildings to see if there was
+anyone there who could help me out of my dilemma, but my spirits went
+down to zero when I was there informed that the custodian of the keys
+lived miles out of the town. Back I went to the Museum, fiercely
+plotting an ascent up the water-spout or a burglarious entrance through
+a back window, when, to my delight, I saw an attendant gesticulating to
+me from a window three or four stories from the ground. My time was
+running very short, so I rapidly explained to him the predicament I was
+in, and implored him to throw my bag out of the window. He told me that
+he was a prisoner locked in to look after the building, that there were
+three or four double-locked doors between him and the private office in
+which my coveted bag was lying, and wound up with the cheering
+announcement that my case was hopeless.
+
+I had only a few minutes left in which to catch my train. A glance at my
+cuffs showed me that one's linen has to be changed pretty frequently in
+a Midland town, so I made a frantic dive into a shirt-maker's.
+
+[Illustration: THE SURPRISE SHIRT.]
+
+"White shirt, turn-down collar. Look sharp!"
+
+"Yes, sir; size round neck, sir?"
+
+"Oh, thirty, forty--anything you like, only look sharp." Time was nearly
+up.
+
+He measured my neck carefully. The size was a little under my estimate,
+so I got the shirt, bolted for the station, and jumped into the train as
+it was going off, my only luggage being my recent purchase. I got into
+this, and soon I was on the platform in my tweed suit. I apologised to
+the audience for making my appearance minus the orthodox costume, saying
+it might have been worse, and that it was better to appear without my
+dress clothes than without the lantern or the screen. I believe they
+soon forgot there was anything unusual about me, but I think that as I
+worked up to my subject, and became more and more energetic, they could
+see that I wasn't altogether happy. That wretched shirt certainly fitted
+me round the neck, but the sleeves were abnormally long for me, and the
+cuffs being wide, they shot out over my hands with every gesture. If I
+uplifted my hands imploringly, up they went, halfway up the screen; if
+with outstretched arms I drove one of my best points home, those cuffs
+would come out and droop pensively down over my hands; if I brought my
+fist down emphatically, a vast expanse of white linen flew out with a
+lightning-like rapidity that made the people in the first row start back
+and tremble for their safety; and when, after my final grand peroration,
+I let my hands drop by my side, those cuffs came down and dangled on the
+platform.
+
+If my reader happens to be much under the medium height, and rather
+broad in proportion, I would warn him not to buy his shirts ready-made.
+I cannot understand the idea of measurement that leads a shirtmaker to
+cut out a shirt taking the circumference of the neck as a basis. I know
+a man about six feet high who has a neck like a walking-stick. If he
+bought a shirt on the shirtmakers' system, it would barely act as a
+chest-preserver; and on the other hand, this shirt in question, as I
+said before, certainly fitted me round the neck, but I nearly stepped on
+the sleeves as I went off the platform at the close of my lecture, and
+some of the audience must think to this day that I am a conjuror, and
+that on this occasion I was going to show them some card trick with the
+aid of my sleeves, which would have been invaluable to the Heathen
+Chinee. Indeed, this is not the only time I have been suspected of being
+a sort of necromancer.
+
+I had a friend who was so anxious to improve his artistic knowledge that
+he used to come night after night with me to hear my lecture on "Art."
+It frequently happened that there was not a seat to spare in the hall,
+and on these occasions he used to come up on the platform and sit behind
+the screen, where he could see the pictures just the same. I think on
+the particular night I refer to I was delivering a lecture on
+"Portraiture," and at a certain passage I show a very flattering
+portrait, supposed to be the work of an old master. The portrait having
+appeared, I then dwelt upon the original, and pointed out "that no
+doubt, if we could see the original of this portrait, if we could see
+again the man who sat for it, I would not hesitate to say that we would
+be alarmed at the inconsistency of pictorial art. I will show you,
+ladies and gentlemen, what I imagine this gentleman must have been
+like!"
+
+As I was speaking, some old gentleman in the side gallery had either
+fallen asleep or was very excited by my remarks, for he somehow jerked
+the cord which fastened the top of the screen to the gallery, and snap
+went the cord and down came the screen! Behind it there was an expanse
+of empty platform, with a semi-circular seat, and on it sat my friend,
+the enthusiast on art, fast asleep! The limelight, no longer checked by
+the screen, fell full upon him, and the rounds of applause which
+followed showed me that my unrehearsed effect, which might have ruined
+the evening, had made it instead a great success.
+
+[Illustration: DISCOVERED!]
+
+There are sure to be occasional mishaps when the lecturer is assisted by
+the lantern; but as in my case, when one is not taken too seriously, it
+is easy to turn the misfortune off with a joke.
+
+A fly was the offender on one occasion in my experience. I was showing
+some portraits of Mr. Gladstone in my entertainment "The Humours of
+Parliament," and was doing my level best to rouse an appreciative North
+Country audience to a high pitch of enthusiasm for the man they
+worshipped so. I was telling them that at one moment he looks like this,
+and at another moment he looks like that, when I was amazed to hear them
+go into fits of laughter! In describing Mr. Gladstone I dilate upon him
+first in a rhetorical vein, and then proceed to caricature my own
+delineations, and it has always been flattering to me to find that the
+serious portraits have been received with a grave attention only
+equalled by the laughter with which the caricatures have been greeted.
+But not so on this occasion. I spoke of his flashing eye (titters!), his
+noble brow (laughter!), his patriarchal head (roars!), and a mention of
+his commanding aquiline nose nearly sent them into hysterics! Now in my
+lecturing days mishaps may have occurred which were due to some fault of
+the lantern or operator provided by the society I lectured to; but with
+the splendid set of lanterns I had made for my entertainment, engineered
+by the infallible Professor who exhibited for me, I never troubled to
+look round to see if the picture was all right. But for a second it
+struck me that by some mischance he might be showing the caricatures in
+place of the serious portraits. Quickly I turned round, and the sight
+that met my eyes made me at once join in the general roar. There was a
+gigantic fly promenading on the nasal organ of the Grand Old Man,
+unheeding the attempts which were being made on its life by the
+Professor, armed with a long pointed weapon. It had walked into the
+Professor's parlour--that is to say, into his lantern--and taken up its
+temporary residence between the lenses, whence it was magnified a
+hundredfold on to the screen!
+
+[Illustration: THE FLY IN THE CAMERA.]
+
+If anything of this kind happens to a Professor lecturing on some
+scientific subject, it is no laughing matter, especially to a gentleman
+lecturing at a meeting of the British Association. At one of these
+gatherings a well-known Professor was giving a most interesting and
+appreciated address, illustrated by the limelight, on the subject of
+"Quartz Fibres." If I remember rightly, he was explaining to the
+audience that the strands of a spider's web were purposely rough so that
+the spider could climb them easily, but that a quartz fibre was smooth
+and glassy, and a spider would never attempt to ascend one. He showed on
+the sheet a single thread of a spider's web and a single quartz fibre,
+and amid the breathless excitement of the audience a real live spider
+was put into the lantern. The applause with which it was greeted must
+have made the poor thing nervous, I suppose, or else it may have had an
+attack of stage fright; anyhow, it curled itself up in a corner and
+refused to budge. A sharpened pencil, which magnified on the screen
+looked like a battering-ram, was brought into play, and the unfortunate
+creature had to rouse itself. "Now, ladies and gentlemen, you will
+notice that it is quite impossible for the spider to ascend the quartz
+fibre--it may try, but it is bound to fail--but see how it will rush to
+the strand from its familiar web!" The spider received an extra dig with
+the pencil, and then with astonishing alacrity ran to the quartz fibre,
+up which it climbed with the greatest ease amid the roars of the
+delighted audience. The fact was that the Professor had omitted to
+explain that his argument only applied to female spiders. These have a
+pernicious habit of running after their spouses and belabouring them, so
+the poor hubby is provided by Nature with a hirsute growth on his legs
+which enables him to escape by climbing, and nothing would delight him
+more than for his wife to give chase to him if there was a quartz fibre
+anywhere near.
+
+Sometimes there is no gallery in which to place the lantern, and then
+the pictures have to be shown from the floor of the hall, when it seems
+to be the delight of everyone coming in late to walk up the centre in
+the full light of the powerful rays of the lantern, presumably for the
+pleasure of beholding their image projected in silhouette on to the
+screen. Those awful feminine hats ought to be abolished, and all late
+comers ought to be made to find their seats on their hands and knees, as
+they run the risk of upsetting the thread of the lecturer's discourse,
+and the gravity of the audience as well, I remember once when I was
+giving my lecture on "Portraiture: Past and Present," and illustrating
+the portraits on medals, I came to some near the bottom of the screen.
+"Here," said I, "we have the Lord Mayor and the Lady Mayoress of London,
+1300 A.D." At that moment the Mayor and Mayoress of the town, who, for
+effect I suppose, had come in a quarter of an hour late to the seats
+reserved for them in the centre of the hall, walked past the rays of the
+lantern, and were of course projected on to the screen, unconsciously
+burlesquing my picture, and causing an effect they had not anticipated.
+
+I referred just now to mishaps that will occur with the best-regulated
+lanterns. The gas, for instance, may become prematurely exhausted, which
+necessitates a stoppage while the cylinders are being changed, and when
+Rudyard Kipling's work, "The Light that Failed," was published, I
+immediately sent for a copy, thinking that probably the author had tried
+entertaining with the aid of the limelight in India and had had some
+experience of this kind. I could give that clever author plenty of
+material for another volume on "The Light that Failed"--a collection of
+anecdotes connected with the magic lantern. But, as I said, it doesn't
+so much matter to the entertainer as the lecturer, who must be _au
+sérieux_, and when I was a lecturer I felt any mishap of the kind very
+keenly; but an entertainer is a privileged being, and can turn the
+matter off with a joke at the expense of his manager, his gas-man, his
+audience, or his subject. No less a personage than Sir William Harcourt
+happened to be on the screen when my gas went out one evening in
+Scotland. I had to retire from the platform while new cylinders of gas
+were being adjusted, and when I made my reappearance I assured my
+audience that it was probably the first occasion on which Sir William
+had been put out for want of gas!
+
+[Illustration: LATE ARRIVALS.]
+
+I recollect, though, once at Bradford, where I was lecturing, the
+audience were put out for want of it, for the operators supplied by the
+association I was lecturing to were utterly incompetent. The gas was
+bad, to begin with--it became small by degrees and beautifully less, and
+suddenly went out altogether! So did the operators. They simply bolted
+out of the hall, and left the lantern to manage itself.
+
+
+CHAIRMEN.
+
+Du Maurier made a delightful drawing for _Punch_ of a sandwich
+advertising contractor dismissing a man with a board on which was the
+letter H. "Now, look 'ere, you H! The public don't want yer, nor _I_
+don't, nor nobody don't--so 'ook it!" Or something to that effect.
+
+[Illustration: RESERVED SEATS.]
+
+I wish lecturers could dismiss chairmen in the same peremptory fashion,
+for I am sure the public don't want him, nor _I_ don't, nor nobody.
+Their boredom had better be dropped like the poor letter H--which, by
+the way, some chairmen drop pretty frequently.
+
+I'll classify the chairmen as follows:--The Absent Chairman, the Ideal
+Chairman, the Political Chairman, and the Ignorant Chairman.
+
+_The Absent Chairman._--I must divide the Absent Chairman into two
+heads. Two heads are better than one, but if both are absent--the one in
+body and the other in mind--it is evident no head is better than two.
+The absent in body does not turn up at the lecture--forgets all about
+it, or remembers too well what he suffered before. The lecturer and his
+audience are kept waiting. The absent in mind does turn up,
+though--turns up anything but trumps. He--"ah!--feels--ah!--the
+honour--ah!--of presiding this evening." He "has the honour--ah!--of
+introducing the lecturer, a lady--ah!--a gentleman, I should say, whose
+name is a household word. Who does not know the name of--ah (feels in
+all his pockets for syllabus)--of--ah--this gentleman who is about to
+delight us all this evening on a--yes, yes,"--takes from his pocket a
+piece of paper from which he reads: "The Rev. Carbon Chalker, M.A., on
+Microbes found in the Middle Strata of Undiscovered Coal." "This rev.
+gentleman no doubt----" he proceeds, when he is quickly interrupted by
+the secretary, who jumps up and says, "Excuse me, Mr. Chairman, that is
+last year's syllabus you have in your hand."
+
+The Ideal Chairman is one who rises and says, "Ladies and gentlemen,--I
+have the honour this evening to introduce to you Mr. Snooks, who has
+something interesting to tell you, and one hour in which to tell it. I
+will not stand in his way or take up your time by saying anything
+further." Now how seldom this happens! As a rule the chairman makes an
+excuse to deliver a speech on his own account. The most extraordinary
+case of that kind I ever heard of occurred at Birmingham. The amiable
+Member for one of the districts in Birmingham, whose name is always
+associated with "three acres and a cow," had to take the chair at a
+lecture given one evening to the people. As soon as the popular M.P.
+rose to speak there were loud cries of "Three acres--three acres! How is
+the coo? How is the coo?" It was just at the time when he had introduced
+that question. He rose to the occasion and made a long and elaborate
+speech upon the subject at heart. He went on speaking from about
+thirty-five to forty minutes. When he sat down the gentleman who had
+arrived from London to give his lecture on "Wit and Humour" simply rose
+and said: "Ladies and gentlemen,--I have the honour this evening to
+propose a vote of thanks to our member for his very interesting address
+upon the subject of 'Three Acres and a Cow.'" Someone else got up and
+seconded the motion, and it was carried unanimously amid great laughter
+and cheering. Then the chairman rose and began thanking the audience for
+the compliment they had paid him, and for the kind way in which they had
+listened to him. And a twelve-month later it dawned upon him that he was
+only the chairman of the meeting. This may be a pure invention, but it
+is the story as I heard it.
+
+[Illustration: CHAIRMAN NO. 1.]
+
+A story is told of a distinguished irritable Scotch lecturer who on one
+occasion had the misfortune to meet with a loquacious chairman, the
+presiding genius actually speaking for a whole hour in "introducing" the
+lecturer, winding up by saying: "It is unnecessary for me to say more,
+so I call upon the talented gentleman who has come so far to give us his
+address to-night." The lecturer came forward: "You want my address. I'll
+give it to you: 322, Rob Roy Crescent, Edinburgh--and I am just off
+there now. Good-night!"
+
+I cannot vouch for the truth of either of these stories. However, I have
+known chairmen myself who were very nearly as bad. I remember one--I
+think he was a doctor--who rose to introduce me. Instead of two or three
+minutes he took ten or twelve minutes. Of course he said I was very well
+known, and went on with some very flattering remarks about my work, and
+then he added: "Ah, how well I remember--yes, ladies and gentlemen, how
+well I remember years ago those political sketches of the late Doyle
+and others, and when I think that in years to come that Mr. Furniss's
+attempts will be handed down to our children as I may say, recording the
+great events of the time we are passing through. Yes, let us see what
+the value will be to our children to know that Mr. Gladstone
+once--("Order, order," and "Hear, hear")--that, I say, Mr.
+Gladstone--(cries of "Sit down, we have not come to hear you")--that, I
+say, Mr. Gladstone, the grand old man of our time--("Sit down, sit down,
+sit down, we have not come to hear you--sit down")--Yes, and when I say
+that Lord Beaconsfield, whom I have no doubt you will see upon the
+sheet--("Wrap yourself up in yours, go home to bed, go home to bed")."
+Cries of this sort went on; the gentleman struggled on for about a
+quarter of an hour and then sat down. Well, I discovered afterwards that
+he was a very ardent politician, not altogether in tone with the
+audience, who were opposed to him in politics, and that he seized this
+chance of repeating a political speech he had often given to others of a
+different class. As a matter of fact my lecture that night had nothing
+whatever to do with Parliament; it was purely art matter; and this
+gentleman happened to be a great art collector and connoisseur, and in
+returning thanks for me afterwards made a very graceful little speech
+about art matters. If he had only asked me beforehand, of course it
+would have been a very agreeable opening instead of rather an
+unfortunate one. But it is quite as distressing to the lecturer to find
+that a chairman knows too much about his subject as to find one who
+knows nothing. If you happen to have delivered your lecture in another
+hall, and someone present who has heard you is the chairman of an
+evening when you are going to give it again, he will get up and inform
+his audience, with the usual flattery of chairmen, that there is a great
+treat in store for them, that he has had the pleasure of hearing you
+before, and you are going to tell them this, and going to tell them
+that, and in some cases he will even give a mangled version of some of
+the stories--in fact, will take all the plums out of the pudding that
+you have ready to tickle the appetites of your audience with.
+
+Some chairmen impress their audience that they know far more about the
+subject than the lecturer. But worst of all is the chairman who knows
+absolutely nothing about the subject or about yourself. I remember one
+evening some pompous chairman getting up and saying: "I have great
+pleasure this evening in introducing to you Mr. Furniss. I know you have
+all heard of Mr. Furniss, and anyone connected as I am with engineering
+must look upon one of his great achievements with delight. All who have
+been to the great Metropolis and travelled along the Thames
+Embankment--a beautiful way that skirts the Thames--and have considered
+that at one time what was a heap of mud is now one of the handsomest
+thoroughfares in the world, must always consider that the work of the
+gentleman in front of you in being the constructor of that immense work
+deserves the gratitude of his countrymen, and I therefore take this
+occasion, before he rises to address you and enlighten you upon the
+engineering and the large contracting work in the great city in which he
+has the pleasure to live, to assure him as a brother engineer of the
+great work which he has performed for his fellow-countrymen."
+
+On enquiry I discovered that a namesake of mine was the contractor for
+the Thames Embankment, which was built when I was in knickerbockers.
+
+Of recent years I have had few experiences of chairmen, but
+proportionately their mistakes seem to be as of old. In the North of
+England last year I was specially engaged to appear before a literary
+society, and I supposed, by their paying me to go so far, they were,
+with Northern shrewdness, acquainted with the article in which they were
+investing. On these special occasions it is strange that a chairman is
+considered a compliment to the performer, and most certainly it affords
+the entertainer himself amusement. For instance, in this case I
+recollect my chairman--a most accomplished and representative man in the
+neighbourhood--was introduced to me as soon as I arrived at the hall. (I
+may mention it was not my first visit.) He quickly introduced me to the
+audience: "Ladies and gentlemen,--This evening I have the honour of
+introducing to you a gentleman whom we have all heard about, but few of
+us, if any, have seen before. We all know his work in Parliament in the
+pages of _Punch_ for some years past; we all have enjoyed the writings
+of 'Toby, M.P.' This is Mr. H.W. Lucy, of _Punch_, our old friend 'Toby,
+M.P.'" I was giving my "Humours of Parliament," and during the evening
+I, of course as "Toby, M.P.," informed the audience at times that this
+was Harry Furniss's idea of Parliament, but I begged to differ with that
+gentleman, and it was rather a variety for me to play a Parliamentary
+Jekyl and Hyde for one night only.
+
+[Illustration: CHAIRMAN NO. 2.]
+
+If one must have a chairman, why should not the performer be allowed to
+turn a chairman into account, as that popular and versatile barrister,
+the late Sir Frank Lockwood, was in the habit of doing? When he lectured
+at Hackney he "brought down the house" in his description of Sergeant
+Buzfuz in "Pickwick" by giving a laughable imitation of his
+chairman--the late Lord Chief Justice, when Sir Charles
+Russell--cross-examining a witness. For all I know, others may follow
+the example of poor Lockwood. We shall read of the Bishop of Ripon
+giving imitations of the Archbishop of Canterbury; Sir Alexander
+Mackenzie is ready to make the musical world roar by his burlesque of
+Paderewski; and Lord Kitchener, when he returns from the war and gives
+the inevitable lecture, will delight military circles by his imitations
+of his chairman, the Commander-in-Chief.
+
+[Illustration: THE PUMPKIN--A CHESTNUT.]
+
+But I personally have no objection to a chairman if I am announced as a
+_lecturer_ and it is the habit of the particular society to pay the
+lecturer the compliment of formally introducing him. But my appearances
+as a lecturer are few and far between, and when I, as I generally do,
+appeal direct to the public, I am most anxious to avoid giving my
+platform work any appearance of a lecture; yet the Press insist upon any
+entertainment given by men of my class being a lecture. I am a bit of an
+amateur conjurer, and I thoroughly believe were I to appear on the
+platform on a bicycle or on an acrobat's globe, and keep three balls in
+the air with one hand and spin a plate on a stick with the other, and at
+the same time retail some stories, the notice in the Press on the
+following morning would begin: "Mr. Harry Furniss gave an instructive
+_lecture_ last night on subjects with which we are familiar. Some of his
+stories were good, some poor, and some we had heard before." And that is
+the rub! We had heard some stories before! I repeat I honestly have no
+objection to a chairman--the Ideal Chairman, who will inform the
+audience that you are an acrobat, and not a lecturer; but I do object to
+my friends and brother journalists who will tell the public you are a
+lecturer when you are not, keeping many of their readers away, and who
+will also publish your jokes. Of course, all stories are "chestnuts" an
+hour after they are told. When I first went on the platform I retailed
+new stories, but they were invariably served up in the next morning's
+papers, and were therefore known to many of the audience who came to
+hear me on the following evening. In fact, I once overheard a man at
+breakfast in an hotel saying, "No, I don't think much of Furniss; I have
+read that story of his about the pumpkin in the papers." Now this story
+of the pumpkin was an impromptu of mine the evening before, and I was
+naturally puzzled by over-hearing this remark. When the speaker left the
+room I took up the paper he had been reading. It contained an account of
+my effort on the platform the night before, and my impromptu story was
+in it!
+
+Of course, as in everything else, one must not be too original on the
+platform if he is to be served up in every course. If you treat general
+subjects in anything but a general way, and you are humorous and
+occasionally satirical, you will find that national failing, want of
+humour, will tell against you, as well as certain prejudices political
+and social. The selection of lecturers is generally in the hands of a
+committee. You have probably said something that grated upon the Radical
+opinions of one member, or upon the old Tory prejudices of another, or
+told some joke that they failed to see. So long as you keep to microbes,
+and heavenly bodies, and objects of the sea, you are proportionately
+successful with your dulness. But to be professionally humorous and a
+critic is to be eyed with suspicion. Your programme is criticised and
+generally misunderstood. Perhaps I can show no better instance of this
+than what occurred to me in connection with my old friend "Lewis
+Carroll," the author of "Alice in Wonderland."
+
+The Rev. C. L. Dodgson ("Lewis Carroll") in some respects was the
+typical Oxford Don--once a schoolmaster always a schoolmaster. He
+lectured his friends as he had lectured his youths, and treated grown-up
+men of the world as if they were children. In due course I visited
+Oxford to give my entertainments--"Humours of Parliament" first;
+"America in a Hurry" followed a few years afterwards. In the latter I
+gave a wordless imitation of that eccentric American, Talmage, at the
+same time carefully pointing out to my audience that I imitated his
+gestures and voice--not Talmage in the character of a preacher, but as a
+showman; I was therefore surprised to receive the following letter:
+
+     "CHRISTCHURCH, OXFORD.
+
+     "DEAR MR. FURNISS,--Yesterday I went to Russell's shop and bought
+     four 5_s._ tickets for your American entertainment on the 23rd,
+     thinking I would treat three young friends to it, and feeling quite
+     confident that there could be no objectionable feature in any
+     entertainment produced by you. An hour afterwards I chanced to
+     notice in the programme the item 'A Sermon in Spasms,' and, in the
+     quotations from Press notices, a commendation of your 'clever
+     imitations of Dr. Talmage's sermons,' and immediately went and
+     returned the tickets.... It did not seem necessary to speak (to the
+     shopkeeper) of the more serious aspect of such an insult to
+     Christianity, and such profaning of holy things...."
+
+I hastened to assure the rev. gentleman that Talmage was an
+"entertainer," like myself, that I used no words in imitation of him;
+merely his eccentric manner and showman's voice. I also hinted that I
+always had a number of clergymen in my audiences, and those who had
+heard me found nothing whatever objectionable, nor could they detect in
+what I did anything touching upon sacred things. This brought a lengthy
+rejoinder, from which I quote the following interesting passage:
+
+     "The fact that thousands of clergymen have _not_ been deterred by
+     that announcement from going to the entertainment does not surprise
+     me. In this age of ever-increasing irreverence, it is my lot to
+     hear many a profane anecdote told; and the _worst_ offenders in
+     this line are, I am sorry to say, _Clergymen_."
+
+If this was so--and the Rev. C. L. Dodgson could not possibly exaggerate
+any more than "Lewis Carroll" could avoid exaggeration--how much better
+it would have been for him to listen to my wordless and harmless
+imitation of a public entertainer than to sit in the Common Room and
+listen to profane anecdotes from the lips of his fellow ministers of
+religion!
+
+To those about to appear on the platform I would give the same advice as
+Mr. Punch gave to those about to marry--"Don't." "Lectures," "Readings,"
+or whatever they are called, are very little in demand now compared with
+twelve years ago. Many of the literary institutes and lecture societies
+are either dying from inanition or are content with a course of lectures
+of a poor description. This has been brought about by trying to do the
+thing on the cheap, and thereby disgusting the subscribers, who are not
+going to turn out of their cosy, warm houses on a winter's night to hear
+a poor speaker with a dull subject. The subscription lists are therefore
+depleted, and the societies cannot afford to engage experienced
+lecturers and entertainers.
+
+It is a great mistake to imagine one has only to "write something," and,
+provided with a few "slides," a reading-desk, and a glass of water--and
+a chairman, mount a platform and read. Of course, an agent can always
+"boom" a novice--someone who has travelled, or written a book, or gone
+to smash, or become notorious in any way--for a course of "lectures,"
+provided there are sufficient chairmen to be found willing to act as an
+extra draw.
+
+[Illustration: IN "THE HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT." BALLYHOOLEY PATHETIC.]
+
+Anyone nowadays thirsting for notoriety jumps on to the platform as a
+lecturer. He may have been "Perhaps a soldier full of 'cute ways, and
+fearless like his Pa! Stake your dollar sudden and quick to boom.
+Seeking a bauble reputation even at the Commons mouth." Or he may have
+been an aristocratic stowaway in a troop-ship, for instance, and become
+the hero in the pages of our new English-Americanised Press paying for
+and publishing his startling disclosures.
+
+The lecture is the natural sequence of the boom fever--a lecture, say,
+on "Red Tape Rats." A reading-desk, a glass of water, a map, a few
+amateurish snapshot slides exhibited by means of a lantern, _and_ a
+great and popular chairman--then success is assured. But the crowd is
+not present to be interested in rats, nor are the reporters there to
+write about rats, nor is the chairman presiding so as to refer to the
+stowaway's paper on rats. For the chairman has his own Red Tape Rats to
+let loose with which to startle the audience and nobble the Press. The
+next day the report of the lecture is not headed "The Hon. Babbling
+Brook on Rats," but runs "An Admiral of the Fleet on Naval Reform," or
+"A Field Marshal with a Grievance," and a list of the fashionable party
+on the platform is considered of more importance than the lecturer's
+remarks.
+
+[Illustration: HARRY FURNISS AS A PICTORIAL ENTERTAINER.
+
+_Drawn by Clement Flower. Reproduced by permission of the proprietors of
+"The Graphic."_]
+
+In more tranquil times a penny-reading style of entertainment will
+suffice. A bishop or a duke may take the chair, and Charity take the
+proceeds. But the chairman with a name is the thing with which to catch
+the interest of the public.
+
+What I have said about lecturing in England applies equally to America
+and Australia, and I wish it to be distinctly understood that, as I am
+writing these lines for the benefit of those who think of accepting the
+tempting offers to go on the platform, I have no personal feeling in the
+matter whatever. Both in America and in Australia I have had splendid
+audiences; but in consequence of the long distances and expenses
+lecturing does not pay, and the stories one reads about men returning
+with thousands and thousands of pounds in their pockets are absolutely
+false. Do not believe them. They are manufactured statements for booming
+purposes. Dr. Conan Doyle honestly gave his opinion, and the correct
+one, that taking one thing with another you can make just as much money
+in England as you can in America or the Colonies. Of course there are
+exceptions,--I might more truly say accidents. Even a poor speaker, if
+he happens to be a clergyman (and some critics are unkind enough to say
+that these generally go together), and an author who has written a
+successful story, may in America have a great chance of making money,
+for the publishers and booksellers will advertise and push him so as to
+sell his books,--they will go so far as turning their shops into ticket
+offices. Then, too, he will find the _meenisters_, particularly if he is
+a Scotchman, will advertise him in advance from their pulpits, and
+probably in return get the "lecturer" to preach a sermon. Consequently
+he has two publics to work upon which no other lecturer or reader can
+procure,--the religious and the literary. But that is not a genuine test
+of the professional lecturer or reader. All literary men on the platform
+will get a certain number of people who have read their books in a
+celebrity-hunting country. They want to see the author, and once they
+have seen him they are satisfied. Return visits I know of, such as
+these, have been appalling failures. No, a man must give an
+entertainment which is in itself amusing and of such stuff that people
+will go even if any one else had given it--metal attractive to his
+audience, instead of merely being looked upon as a curiosity in the same
+way that one looks upon an orchid in a flower-show or a prize ox at
+Islington. But for the ordinary man, no matter how good he may be, to
+expect to have a triumphal tour, returning with a shipload of American
+dollars, is, believe me, absurd on the face of it. The lecture business
+died out years ago. When that country was younger all the people in the
+provinces attended lectures as part of their daily education, but now
+that class of entertainment is as out-of-date as a German Reed
+entertainment.
+
+I confess that I was overworked at one time. As an illustration of mere
+physical endurance it is perhaps worth recording. In fact, much in these
+pages might well have been published under the title of "Confessions of
+Endurance" in Sandow's magazine or in the _Lancet_, for the edification
+of those professional men who give advice to others not to overwork and
+invariably overwork themselves at the same time. Travelling every day,
+giving "The Humours of Parliament," with my imitations of ranting
+M.P.'s--nearly a two hours' tearing recitation--to large audiences every
+night, was perhaps sufficient for one man. The excitement of the success
+I made, the "booming," interviewing, and unavoidable entertainment at
+every town, the late hours, the early start, the business worries, fresh
+to each place, day after day, week after week, can only be understood by
+those who have gone through it. But this was only part of my work. Each
+week as I travelled I had to keep up my contributions to _Punch_--a
+whole page and several small drawings. I also wrote an article, fully
+illustrated, on every town I went to week by week for _Black and White_
+(subsequently reprinted in book form, "On Tour"), to say nothing of
+drawing in the train.
+
+Let me briefly give a fair average of one day's work at the time:
+
+[Illustration: REDUCTION OF A PAGE DRAWING FOR _PUNCH_ MADE BY ME WHILST
+TRAVELLING BY TRAIN.]
+
+_Morning._--Start 9.30 train, eight hours' journey,--means up at seven,
+breakfast at eight. In train dictate letters to secretary, who takes
+down in shorthand. (I never yet found a secretary who could write in a
+train. I can write quite easily; the secret is to _sit up_, holding pad
+in hand, and let the body move with the oscillation of the train. To
+write on your knee or on a table, or in any other way but this, is
+impossible.) 3.30 arrive at destination; go to hotel and order dinner.
+Then to my "travelling studio"--a large case fitted up with everything
+necessary for drawing in black and white. Straight to private
+sitting-room, order dinner to be ready in half-an-hour, at work at
+once--before the others and the luggage arrive. After light dinner, to
+hall or theatre to see if arrangements are complete. Then visit from
+local manager or secretary--friends--strangers, a walk round the town to
+get "copy," tea, a good hour's drawing (no matter how tired I can work
+on tea), dress, off to evening's work on stage; autographs to be written
+and people to meet; back to change, supper at some club, speeches; back
+3 a.m., bed, sleep--no, only occasionally. Hotel servants turn on
+electric light, begin sweeping the passage--sw--w--w--whish,
+sw--w--w--whish! they chat and laugh just outside one's door; they
+gradually sweep down the long, long passage. Doze--sleep. Bang, bang!
+"Five o'clock, sir." Bang, bang! the Boots awakening commercial men for
+early trains. Thump, thump! baggage packing-room over your head.
+Commercial, or sportsman, or entertainer, or whatever he may be,
+whistles or sings loudly as he dresses. Altercation with Boots
+about trains in passage. Bells, bells! "Hot water, hot water.
+Bath ready, sir." Train leaves at 8.15. I'm up. Something
+attempted--sleep--something not done,--I have earned but not got a
+night's repose. So in the cold, wet, misty morning off again with a
+heart for any amount of work; still achieving, still pursuing, learning
+to labour--and not to wait!
+
+Mr. E.J. Milliken, of _Punch_, frequently wrote to me in 'Arry verse.
+When I was confined to my bed with fever in the summer of 1893, I was
+terribly busy. I had my _Punch_ work, my syndicated "London Letter" (a
+column-and-a-half of a newspaper, with four or five illustrations), and
+much other work to do every week, and I, much against my doctor's and
+nurse's wish, worked all the time. _A propos_ of this I received the
+following:
+
+     "'ARRY TO HARRY.
+
+     "DEAR 'ARRY,
+
+     "'Ow are yer, old 'ermit? I 'opes you're gittin' on prime For a sick
+     man you put in good work, mate, and make the best use o' your time.
+     You're like no one else, that's a moral. When _I'm_ ill I go flabby
+     as suet, But you keep the pot at full bile! 'Ow the doose do yer
+     manage to do it?
+
+     "I'm glad to believe you're a-mendin', though kep' on the strictest
+     Q.T. The confinement must fret you, I'm sure, 'ow I wish I could
+     drop in to see, And give you a regular rouser. But that is a
+     pleasure to come; When we _do_ meet again, we will split a fizz
+     magnum, and make the thing hum.
+
+     "I drop yer these lines just to show yer you ain't gone slap out o'
+     my 'ed, Because I'm cavortin' round pooty permiskus, while you're
+     nailed to bed! 'Taint a prison I'm nuts on, old pal, and I'll swear
+     as it doesn't suit _you,_ So 'ere's wishin' you out of it, 'Arry,
+     and well on Life's war-path, Hurroo!!!
+
+     "I sent over my pasteboard this mornin' to do the perlite _cummy
+     fo,_ But this 'ere is _entry noo_ barney, a bit of a lark like, yer
+     know. I picter you jest rampin' round like a big arktic bear in a
+     cage! Well, keep up yer pecker, my pippin, and keep down yer
+     natural rage. I'm yours to command, when you want me, to gossip or
+     work, fetch or carry;
+
+     "And that Harry may soon be O.K. and a 'arf, is the wish of
+
+                                     "Yours,
+                                         "'ARRY."
+
+
+I should like to confess my real reason for going on to the platform.
+The fact is that for many years I was mistaken in the country,
+particularly in Liverpool, Leeds and Bradford, for an artist who signed
+political caricatures "H. F.," and whose name, strange to say, is Harold
+Furniss. I understand he is about twice my size. So that I thought if I
+showed myself in public, particularly in the provinces, it would be seen
+that I was not this Mr. Harold Furniss. Now, unfortunately, on the stage
+or platform I look tall--in fact, bets have been made that I am over six
+feet high. On three or four occasions after I have left the platform or
+the stage I have had to grant an interview to gentlemen who have made
+bets on this point. The explanation is, however, simple enough: as there
+is no one on the stage or platform but myself, there is nothing to give
+my height, so the particular object of my appearing in public was
+frustrated.
+
+[Illustration: DOWN WITH DRYASDUST.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+MY CONFESSIONS AS A "REFORMER."
+
+     Portraiture Past and Present--The National Portrait Gallery
+     Scandal--Fashionable Portraiture--The Price of an
+     Autograph--Marquis Tseng--"So That's My Father!"--Sala Attacks
+     Me--My Retort--Du Maurier's Little Joke--My Speech--What I Said and
+     What I Did Not Say--Fury of Sala--The Great Six-Toe Trial--Lockwood
+     Serious--My Little Joke--Nottingham Again--Prince of
+     Journalists--Royal Academy Antics--An Earnest Confession--My
+     Object--My Lady Oil--Congratulations--Confirmations--The Tate
+     Gallery--The Proposed Banquet--The P.R.A. and Modern Art--My
+     Confessions in the Central Criminal Court--Cricket in the
+     Park--Reform!--All About that Snake--The Discovery--The
+     Capture--Safe--The Press--Mystery--Evasive--Experts--I
+     Retaliate--The _Westminster Gazette_--The Schoolboy--The
+     Scare--Sensation--Death--Matters Zoological--Modern
+     Inconveniences--Do Women Fail in Art?--Wanted a Wife.
+
+
+[Illustration: _From a Photo by Debenham & Gould._]
+
+My attack upon the National Portrait Gallery was in the form of a
+lecture entitled "Portraiture Past and Present." I found the subject so
+large, so complicated, I may say so octopus-like, embracing such varied
+periods and phases, and throwing forth its arms or ramifications in so
+many directions, that I soon discovered I was struggling with a monster
+subject, with which it was impossible to grapple completely in the
+limited time allowed for the performance. Still I managed in a light way
+to review the history of portraiture from Dibutades to Millais, and
+from its display in the Temples to its discouragement at the National
+Portrait Gallery, taking as my text Carlyle's dictum that "Human
+Portraits faithfully drawn are of all pictures the welcomest on Human
+Walls," a sentiment that appeals to all, for there is no doubt human
+beings interest us more than anything else. The Pyramids of Egypt awe,
+but our interest is in those who raised them; Ancient Rome enchants in
+exact proportion to our interest in the Ancient Romans; the Forum is but
+a frame which the imagination instinctively fills with the forms of the
+mighty men who moved there; the Amphitheatre would have little interest
+but for those who made its dust; and when we wander through our
+Parliament at Westminster it is not so much the place that interests us
+as the senators associated with its name. I confess that when I travel
+on the Continent I cut cathedrals and study the people, in the
+boulevards, in the streets, in the market-place. When I have spare time
+in London I do the same, and at one time made a point of spending a day
+now and then wandering about the East End of London for the purpose of
+studying character; and it was while so occupied that I happened to
+stray into our National Portrait Gallery. I was astonished and disgusted
+at such a collection having such a name, and there and then decided that
+I would make this the subject of my lecture, and the following is
+briefly my indictment as I then laid it before the Grand Jury, composed
+of the Press and the Public:
+
+"Of all places, a Portrait Gallery should appeal to you most, and the
+National Portrait Gallery is the place in which to spend a happy day.
+
+"That is, if you are not critical. If you are, then get thee to a
+library and bury thyself in books of biography, for portrait painters
+were deceivers ever, historical portrait painters in particular.
+
+"The National Portrait Gallery was founded about thirty years ago, and
+the founder, Lord Stanhope, had the audacity to ask for a yearly grant
+of £500 for the purpose of supplying the nation with a representative
+collection of national portraits. The first purchase made by the
+trustees was a portrait of Sir Walter Raleigh (rather suggestive of the
+undertaking ending in smoke). However, it has struggled on, such as it
+is.
+
+"Truly it is in no sense a National Portrait Gallery, and although the
+richest and most civilised nation in the world now generally grants
+£1,000 a year to supply itself with representative portraits of its
+great men and women, being I may say about the price of one portrait by
+a successful painter, the portraits of our great lights do not swell the
+number of the collection.
+
+"It has been difficult, no doubt, even with this immense amount of cash,
+to get portraits of those of the past. They have been locked up in the
+stately homes of England.
+
+"Of late years Charles Surface, Earl of Spendthrift, knocks his
+ancestors down to the highest chance bidder, but the National Portrait
+Gallery knows them not.
+
+"The reason of this is not far to seek.
+
+"Taking up at random an annual report of the trustees, I read: 'The
+salaries of officials amount to £1,176, other expenses £591, the police
+£635, total £2,402.' And now we come to the interesting item: 'The money
+spent on the purchase of portraits £255'! But the particular section of
+the report dealing with this item says seven works have been purchased
+for £143 18_s._--that is, £20 11_s._ 1_d._ each.
+
+"Small wonder then that many works in the National Portrait Gallery of
+England--England where portraiture flourishes--are unworthy of the
+attendance of even £35 worth of policemen. Can we wonder when £635 is
+paid to the police to gaze at £143 18_s._ worth of portraits, the
+purchase of the year?" and so on.
+
+The result of this "ridiculing the State," as the _Times_, in its
+leader, expressed it, for the penurious pittance it doles out of the
+revenues of the richest country in the world towards the maintenance of
+a National Portrait Gallery, was that I was the cause of arousing the
+Press of Great Britain to the miserable condition of the National
+Portrait Gallery, which ended in our having one in its place more worthy
+of the country.
+
+Besides drawing public attention to the National Portrait Gallery, in
+the same lecture I put in a word for the struggling unknown portrait
+painters. Speaking of payment reminded me of the story told of
+Bularchus, a successful painter 716 B.C. Candaules, King of Lydia, paid
+him with as much gold as would cover the surface of the work. I told my
+audience that I doubted whether, if that system existed now, the
+portrait painters would leave any room at all on the Academy walls for
+subject pictures.
+
+Would Meissonier or Alma Tadema, say, paint your portrait for three
+napoleons, and would you pay Slapdash, R.A., fifteen thousand for a
+larger one? I then made the assertion, "It is not too much to say that a
+fashionable portrait painter often receives £900 for his name, and £100
+for the value of the picture to the sitter as a portrait. It is the
+artist's autograph with a dash of something attached." I asked, "Why
+should snobbery tempt those away from an honest, well-painted portrait
+by a less-known man, to accept a failure with a Society signature?" a
+query that was replied to by my receiving any number of letters from all
+over the country asking me to recommend artists; in fact, at the time I
+might have started an agency for portrait painters. One of the artists I
+suggested had already had a very striking portrait of the Chinese
+Ambassador, Marquis Tseng, hung in the Academy, and over that painting
+he had had a trying experience. His sitter, like Queen Elizabeth,
+objected to shadows, not like the conceited Queen through vanity, but,
+being an Oriental, he really did not understand what the shadows were,
+and rushed to the glass to see if his face was dirty. He was a high
+official in his own country, and naturally anxious not to be mistaken
+for the Dirty Boy. Again he got into a frightful state at the glazy
+appearance of his skin--it was an oil painting.
+
+"Only opium-eaters have shiny skins, and I am free from that vice. This
+is a libel, sir, and will disgrace me at home."
+
+Then he had no idea of perspective, but a great idea of his own rank,
+and commanded my bewildered brother-artist to paint the red button on
+the top of his hat, the feather down the back, the orders in front, and
+was disappointed that his different coats and sashes, three and four
+deep, could not all be shown at once.
+
+Another illustration of the difficulties of portrait painters I gave in
+the same lecture has since been so frequently repeated in the Press that
+I fear it will be stale to most of my readers--the story of the man who
+called upon the portrait painter and asked him to paint his father.
+
+"But where is your father?"
+
+"Oh, he died ten years ago."
+
+"Then how can I paint him?" asked the artist.
+
+"Why, I've just seen your picture of Moses, and surely if you can paint
+the portrait of a man who died thousands of years ago, you can more
+easily paint my father, who has only been dead ten years!"
+
+Seeing the sort of man with whom he had to deal, the young artist agreed
+to paint the defunct gentleman, and the picture in due time was sent
+home. It was carefully hung on the drawing-room wall, and the
+newly-blossomed art patron was called in to see it. He gazed at it for
+some time in silence, his eyes filled with tears, and then, slowly
+nodding his head, he said softly and reverently, "So that is my father!
+Ah, how he is changed!"
+
+But out of this lecture comes another story--the story of "The Great Six
+Toes Trial." I must start at the beginning of its strange, eventful
+history, the same way as, in my lecture, I began with the origin of
+portraiture.
+
+Now the late George Augustus Sala, in his leader in the _Daily
+Telegraph_ on this lecture, accused me of not giving the origin of
+portraiture. "Mr. Harry Furniss was bold enough to maintain that,
+although Greek art remained the model art of the world, portraiture had
+very little to do with it. Mr. Furniss should not tell this story to the
+prehistoric toad, for that reptile's presumably long memory might enable
+it to remind the graphic artist that thousands of years ago the art of
+portraiture was invented by a sentimental young Greek girl, the daughter
+of a potter of Corinth, Dibutades." In the same article he sneered at
+"a whimsical caricaturist lecturing his contemporaries," and in his
+references to me was about as offensive as he could be.
+
+[Illustration: G. A. SALA.]
+
+The second stage was my letter to the Editor of the _Daily Telegraph_.
+That paper not printing it, I sent it, with a note, to the Editor of the
+_Pall Mall Gazette_, who gave both letters a prominent position:
+
+     "SIR,--Can you find space for the publication of the following
+     letter which I addressed to the _Daily Telegraph_ in answer to
+     their leader in last Friday's issue, as the insignificant
+     paragraph, 'Greek Portraits,' which alone the _Daily Telegraph_
+     inserted, in no way states the facts of the case?"
+
+     "SIR,--The writer of the leader in your issue of last Friday is
+     guilty of the very fault of which he accuses me. He charges me with
+     not acquainting myself with the subject I treated of in my lecture;
+     he has manifestly not troubled to acquaint himself with that
+     lecture. The ignorance--at any rate, the omissions--that he lays to
+     my door do not exist. Did he expect me in the course of a short
+     hour's lecture to a general audience--which was certainly not
+     prepared for any history or technicalities--to bring forward in my
+     opening sentences the whole story of the rise and development of
+     Greek portraiture? The principal omission of which he complains is
+     the legend of the daughter of Dibutades--calling it an omission
+     because, forsooth, he did not read it in the _Times_ report! But,
+     in point of fact, not only did I give the story at length, but I
+     reproduced on the screen Mortimer's well-known picture of the
+     incident. Surely it is not too much to ask, even for a caricaturist
+     to ask--for such he somewhat scornfully terms me--that when so
+     powerful a personality as a leader writer levels his pen against an
+     individual, however humble, he should not depend upon the report of
+     another newspaper, the exigencies of whose space naturally prevent,
+     it may be assumed, the devotion of more than a column verbatim
+     report to any utterances of a 'mere caricaturist.' But, frankly,
+     does the nature of my own occupation in the arts preclude me from
+     pronouncing a correct judgment on portraits and portraiture? For
+     that, after all, is the burden of your article. Is not an opinion,
+     if correct, as good coming from a bootblack as from a Royal
+     Academician? If so, I submit that mine, if worthy of discussion at
+     all, might at least be ascertained and be considered with respect.
+     If not, then I bring the lecture of Professor Herkomer, A.R.A.,
+     published on the very same day as your article, to witness that my
+     judgment was a fair one. By a curious coincidence, he lectured at
+     Leeds on the self-same subject within twenty-four hours of the
+     delivery of my own little lecture; he travelled over much the same
+     ground; brought forward in some instances the very same examples as
+     I, and deduced very much the same conclusions."
+
+I happened to call in at the Garrick Club on my way to the _Punch_
+dinner, and there found a copy of the _Daily Telegraph_ containing the
+leader, on the margin of which was written with the familiar purple ink,
+in Lewis Wingfield's handwriting, "G.A.S. on Hy. F." Wingfield was
+Sala's neighbour and friend, so this settled any doubt I had about the
+authorship of the article I have just referred to. When I showed it to
+du Maurier, who sat next to me at dinner, he said, "I say, old chap,
+I'll tell you a capital story about Sala which you might use. When he
+was an art student, he tried to get into the Art Schools of the Royal
+Academy, and for that purpose had to draw the usual head, hand, and
+foot. When the Examiners counted the toes on the foot Sala had drawn,
+they found six, so Sala didn't get in, don't you know!" Now, as other
+journalists had quoted Sala against me, and a Nottingham paper attacked
+me in a long and rather vulgar and offensive leader, I, finding myself
+shortly afterwards the guest of the Literary Club in Nottingham, seized
+the opportunity to reply. I regretted--though I supposed it was
+flattering to me--to find that quite recently, although I had been
+treated for many years with the greatest kindness in the Press, I had
+been rather attacked. "I was proud," I said, "to find that the first
+person to attack me in the Press was the greatest journalist the Press
+possessed--Mr. George Augustus Sala." What I really said after this I
+print side by side with what I was reported to have said:
+
+   "WHAT I SAID.
+
+   "I have not the pleasure of Mr. Sala's personal acquaintance, but no one
+   has a greater admiration than I have for that great man in literature.
+   Mr. Sala began life as an artist; not only so, but he began in that walk
+   of art which I pursue, like another great man of the pen had done before
+   him, for, of course, you all know the story of Thackeray going to
+   Dickens and offering to illustrate his books. Dickens declined
+   Thackeray's offer, and it is generally believed that that refusal so
+   annoyed Thackeray that he became a writer and a rival to Dickens. It was
+   a very good thing for him and for literature that Dickens gave him the
+   refusal he did. Now, Mr. Sala, as I said, also began life as an artist,
+   and I am informed that when an applicant for the Royal Academy he had to
+   send in for examination the usual chalk drawings of a head, a hand, and
+   a foot. The Examiners, however, discovered that Sala had drawn six toes
+   on the foot. He was rejected, and no doubt this caused him, like
+   Thackeray, to forsake the pencil for the pen, and he is now Art Critic
+   of the _Daily Telegraph_.
+
+   "In 1851 Mr. Sala painted the pictures upon the walls of an eating
+   saloon, and that probably had given him the taste for cooking which he
+   had evinced ever since."
+
+   "HOW I WAS REPORTED.
+
+   "He (Mr. Furniss) had not the pleasure of Mr. Sala's personal
+   acquaintance, but no one had a greater admiration for him than he had as
+   being a great man in literature. Mr. Sala began life as an artist, and
+   not only so, but he began in that walk of life which he (Mr. Furniss)
+   pursued. He went to Dickens, and wanted to illustrate his books, but
+   Dickens would not have the sketches; afterwards Mr. Sala went into
+   literature, and it was a very good thing for him and for literature that
+   Dickens gave him the refusal that he did. (Hear, hear.)
+
+   "Mr. Sala began not only as an artist, but as a caricaturist, and he had
+   to send into the Academy Schools three 'short drawings,' as they were
+   called, of a head, a hand, and a foot. Unfortunately for Mr. Sala, he
+   had six toes upon the foot he drew, and the Examiner, having counted
+   these toes, pointed the matter out to Mr. Sala, who did not get into the
+   Academy Schools, so now he was the Art Critic of the _Daily Telegraph_.
+   In 1851, Mr. Sala painted the pictures upon the walls of an eating
+   saloon, and that probably had given him the taste for cooking which he
+   had evinced ever since."
+
+The reporter had evidently trusted to his memory, and not to shorthand
+notes--thus the blunder. I pointed it out, and at once corrected it in a
+letter printed in the same paper a day or so afterwards. My object in
+all sincerity was to have a joke--du Maurier's joke--at Sala's expense,
+but in leading up to it my very complimentary and perfectly accurate
+parallel illustration of Thackeray was unfortunately, by the reporter's
+carelessness, attributed to Sala!
+
+This correction was entirely lost sight of by the Press, and I was
+accused by papers all over the country of having falsely accused him of
+offering to illustrate Dickens. Papers printed apologies to Sala, and in
+some cases paid Sala's solicitor money to avoid actions-at-law. I then
+heard that he was going for me. I found a letter from Burnand to that
+effect the evening I returned from a lecturing tour. Strange to say,
+that night Sala and I were both guests of a Medical Society's dinner at
+the Holborn Restaurant. Both had to make speeches. I spoke before Sala,
+and referred to a misquotation from a speech I had made in the country,
+and purposely then and there made the _amende honorable_, of which he at
+least understood the meaning. He ignored this altogether, and I now
+merely mention the incident to show that he was vindictive from the very
+first. He would not listen to reason. Sir George Lewis, Mr. Labouchere,
+Mr. Burnand, and other mutual friends failed: Sala remained obdurate. It
+was freely reported after the verdict was given that the plaintiff
+never had any desire to make money out of me, and had specially
+instructed his counsel not to ask for damages! As a matter of fact, when
+our mutual friends implored Sala not to proceed with such a trivial and
+ridiculous action, he admitted that he wanted money, and in conversation
+with Sir George Lewis--who all through acted as my good friend, and
+Sala's too, doing all in his power (which is great) to induce Sala to
+accept my necessary _amende_,--Sala declined. He had already pocketed
+several amounts from papers publishing the Nottingham paper's fanciful
+report, and said to Sir George: "When Friswell libelled me, I got £500
+damages; and why should I not be equally successful against Furniss?"
+"Yes," said the astute Sir George, "but you must remember that I got you
+that £500, and now I am on the other side."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+What I really said, and what I was reported to have said, here I plainly
+show are two very different things. Still, in the words "and now he is
+Art Critic of the _Daily Telegraph_" there was a germ of libel--slander
+one must call it, as the words were spoken--so I was advised to
+withdraw. Sala, however, made this an impossibility, and the silly
+action, fanned into "almost European importance," to quote Lockwood, was
+to be. To make matters worse, just before the
+
+GREAT SIX TOES TRIAL
+
+I received a note from du Maurier:
+
+     "I am awfully sorry, old chap, but the capital story I told you of
+     Sala and the six toes was about another fellow after all!"
+
+Although a letter from me was published immediately correcting this
+ridiculous blunder on the part of the reporters, pointing out that what
+I did say was that Mr. Sala was not the only literary man who began life
+as an artist; and that I had quoted casually as an instance that
+_Thackeray_ in early life went to Dickens, my correction--though well
+known to Sala--was, to my surprise, ignored, and the words _I had never
+used_ were made the point of the whole action!
+
+[Illustration: COUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFF.]
+
+Mr. Kemp, counsel for Sala, rolled them out with unctuousness then
+paused for the Judge to write them down. Mr. Sala, in the witness-box,
+in melodramatic style denied that he had ever taken sketches to Dickens,
+and the jury noted that fact. Yet I had never said he did! and
+furthermore Sala knew I had referred to Thackeray and not to him. Still,
+for some reason I could never understand, Lockwood allowed this to pass,
+and cross-examined Sala, admitting that he had heard the story of
+Thackeray and Dickens--as to my right as a critic--but never denied that
+these words attributed to me were absolutely a false report! The next
+point Sala made was that an "offensive caricature" (reproduced by
+permission on this page) was by me! It was Mr. F. C. Gould's. Sala knew
+this; so did Lockwood, but he did not deny it: in fact, when the jury
+considered their verdict, the two points they were clear upon were (1)
+that I said Sala had offered work to Dickens, and had been refused; (2)
+that I was the author of the clever (but in Sala's opinion most
+offensive) caricature of himself and me.
+
+[Illustration: MR. F. C. GOULD'S SKETCH IN THE _WESTMINSTER_, WHICH SALA
+MAINTAINED WAS MINE.]
+
+I prompted Lockwood in Court, but he told me that he would not bother
+about facts, or call me, or deny anything--he took the line that the
+whole thing was too absurd for serious consideration, and that he would
+"laugh it out of Court."
+
+One report says that "Mr. Lockwood handled Mr. Sala very gently in
+cross-examination, and got from him an explosive declaration that Mr.
+Furniss's statements represented him as an ignorant and impudent
+pretender. 'Don't be angry with me, Mr. Sala.'"
+
+But the Judge was angry with dear, good, kind Frank Lockwood, and
+scotched his humour, and refused to allow him to "laugh it out of
+Court." It annoyed him, and he summed up dead against me. Lockwood could
+only squeeze one joke out of the whole thing.
+
+Sala in cross-examination said to Lockwood in a bombastic, inflated,
+Adelphi-drama style:
+
+"That was not my greatest artistic work. Perhaps my greatest was an
+engraving of the funeral of the Duke of Wellington. It was from my
+original drawings. I engraved it on a steel plate, and it contained many
+thousand figures."
+
+Lockwood: "All, I suppose, had the proper number of toes?" (Laughter.)
+
+"They had boots on." (Continued laughter.)
+
+Sala got five pounds for the Judge's want of humour, not for mine.
+
+Having no chance of making my little joke in Court, I took my revenge by
+accepting a commission to report and illustrate my own trial for the
+_Daily Graphic_, and the following--the only authentic account of the
+Great Six Toes Trial--appeared the following morning:
+
+"It was unfortunate that the Royal Academicians were all busy varnishing
+their pictures for the forthcoming exhibition at Burlington House when
+the Great Sala-Furniss Libel Case was heard on Friday last, and that in
+their absence you have had to apply to me (the defendant) for sketches
+of the scene in Court. What a chance Mr. Calderon has missed for a
+companion picture to the one he is painting of another great legal
+battle--the Parnell Commission! A picture in next year's Royal Academy
+of the trial between two art critics is surely worthy to be handed down
+to posterity, say, in the Council Room of the Royal Academy.
+
+"That the subject is not a picturesque one, I admit, but I can offer the
+painter an historical incident connected with it that should recommend
+itself. We all know that Sir Francis Drake playing at bowls when the
+Spanish Armada was sighted is a favourite theme with artists. In this
+case, although there is nothing Spanish about it, there is a parallel
+incident. I was, like Drake, by the sad sea waves, not playing at bowls,
+but sketching a common, or garden, donkey, when a telegram arrived from
+London to say that the great trial was in sight, and my presence was
+demanded at the Royal Courts of Justice (Court 3) at eleven o'clock the
+following morning. Let it be recorded that my nerve was equal to the
+great Admiral's--I finished the drawing of that donkey.
+
+[Illustration: DEFENDANT.]
+
+"The morning was a gloomy one, and no doubt the weather had something to
+do with the solemn tone of the proceedings. A collection of briefless
+barristers, irritated jurymen, and wet umbrellas in dark corridors is
+not enlivening; and when you arrive, to find the Court crowded, and you
+happen to be, like me, considerably under the medium height, and rather
+broad in proportion, it is difficult to come up at all, much less
+smiling, to the feet of justice. Here is a subject for a _Punch_ puzzle.
+The defendant--how is he to get into Court? It is a mystery to me how I
+managed to squeeze myself through. I stuck to my hat, and my hat pulled
+me through (alas, a new one!). The hat was more rubbed the wrong way by
+the trial than was its wearer; but it is an item in the expense of legal
+warfare that ought not to be forgotten by the taxing master. However, I
+found myself sitting next my consulter and friend, the 'sage of Ely
+Place,' in good time. Although a case is down to be tried in a
+particular Court, it may be transferred to another Court at a moment's
+notice. This is bewildering to the parties interested and, from what I
+saw, irritating to the legal fraternity. Tomkins _v._ Snooks is down for
+trial, Court 2. The legal call-boys bustle in the counsel and others
+engaged. Mr. Buzfuz, Q.C., pushes his way into Court, surrounds himself
+with briefs and other documents, when some mysterious harlequin of the
+Law Courts changes Tomkins _v._ Snooks to Court 4, and calls upon Brown
+_v._ Jones, who are packed away in Court 3, waiting their turn. Buzfuz
+gets very angry, and bustles off to Court 4. In fact, getting your case
+into Court reminded me forcibly of that amusing toy, so popular then,
+called 'Pigs in Clover'--wigs in clover, I was nearly writing. I
+apologise at once for the mere thought. We were transferred from one
+Court to another, and our friends sat out a case in the Court advertised
+to try ours, wondering what on earth 'The Prince of Journalists' and I
+had to do with 'chops and tomato sauce.' What followed has been pretty
+fully reported, so I need not dwell upon it. Indeed, I could not live in
+the frightful atmosphere of those Courts, and would gladly pay twice
+five pounds to be allowed to sit on the roof if ever I find myself a
+defendant again.
+
+[Illustration: MY HAT.]
+
+[Illustration: THE PLAINTIFF.]
+
+[Illustration: THE EDITOR OF _PUNCH_ SUPPORTS ME.]
+
+"According to the reports, 'the plaintiff was supported by his wife, and
+the defendant by the editor of _Punch_.' The solemn occasion demanded a
+certain amount of gravity, which was particularly difficult for me to
+retain, as my 'supporter,' although fully alive to the tremendous
+bearings of the case and the importance of the issues, failed to hide in
+his expression those 'happy thoughts' that flow ceaselessly through his
+fertile brain. The outward effect was a see-saw antic with his imposing
+eyebrows--a proof to me that his sense of the ridiculous had got the
+better of his gravity. 'Put on your gloves at once,' he whispered
+impressively to me. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because you may then leave the
+court with clean hands!' (The 'putting on the gloves' must not be taken
+in a double sense.) But this is a digression. You merely ask for
+sketches in Court. Well, I send you my recollection of Mr. Kemp, Q.C.,
+trying to be very angry with me; of my 'brother caricaturist' (_vide_
+reports), Mr. Lockwood, struggling to be very angry with Mr. Kemp, and
+pointing to the defendant, 'That miscreant! (note the effect upon me),
+and the Judge very serious with everybody. As an antidote, I was
+spoiling a beautiful sheet of white blotting-paper by drawing
+recollections of the donkey I was studying in the country when I was
+summoned to town to take my trial. I am anxious to make this public, as
+I now remember that I left that sheet of sketches in the court; and who
+can tell? Some one may yet 'invest those sketches with an almost
+European importance,' and the number of five pounds I shall be called
+upon to dole out all round will be something appalling.
+
+[Illustration: SIR F. LOCKWOOD AND MYSELF.]
+
+"_A propos_ of this truly great trial, the _Observer_ remarked, in its
+leader upon it, that 'future treatises on the law of libel will, if
+properly and picturesquely indexed, be enriched with this entry, "Art
+critic, statement held to be a libel upon, see Toes." Indeed, the antics
+of the law of libel ought to be written, edited, let me suggest, by Mr.
+George Lewis, and illustrated by the genius of Mr. Frank Lockwood. I
+will supply a footnote."
+
+Over this _jeu d'esprit_ on my part Sala waxed very wroth, for besides
+having to pay £80 costs of his own, he brought upon himself columns of
+chaff, of which the following is a fair specimen. "The Prince of
+Journalists," wrote a wag of journalists, "is lamenting that he has
+jumped out of the Furniss into the fire, for of a surety five pounds
+will hardly repay Mr. Sala for the roasting he will receive from his
+good-natured friends." Skits showing six toes were plentiful, jokes in
+burlesque and on the music-hall stage were introduced as a matter of
+course, and private chaff in letters was kept up for some time. One
+private letter I wrote du Maurier, "Sala has no sole for humour--you
+have made me put my foot in it," and added the Six Toes signature
+sketch. In this no doubt du Maurier found inspiration for Trilby.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: THE SEQUEL: I DISTRIBUTE THE PRIZES AT NOTTINGHAM.]
+
+In the witness-box Mr. Sala took up a curious position with regard to
+that filched and fatal joke. He said that I told that joke because he
+had been invited to distribute the prizes at the Art School at
+Nottingham shortly before, and that I had run down and, like the
+miscreant who sowed tares in his neighbour's wheat, deliberately made
+him look ridiculous. As a matter of fact, I neither knew that Sala had
+distributed the prizes, nor that he had ever put in an appearance at
+Nottingham. Sala in his evidence said, "I have always been well received
+there (Nottingham). The people have always been very kind to me, and
+they expressed surprise at the libel." Nottingham people reading this,
+assured me it was the very reverse of the facts, that Sala was socially
+anything but friendly and most objectionable in his behaviour when
+there; and they invited me to distribute the prizes the following year,
+which I did--the last stage of all of this strange, eventful joke,
+which ended, as it began, in good-natured laughter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The one confession I desire in all seriousness should reach the ears of
+my fellow artists is that my object in attacking the Royal Academy
+("Royal Academy Antics," 1890), was a thoroughly unselfish one. "It was
+published for the sake of those who, for one reason or another, are not
+within the inner circle. I was prompted to call the discriminating
+attention of the public to the evil the Academy works and permits to
+exist," by appeals from artists outside--heartbroken men and women
+smarting under unfair treatment; I received letters recording cases of
+gross injustice, followed by ruin and poverty--which made my blood boil.
+The shortcomings of the Academicians had been the subject of criticism
+for many years, yet no improvement resulted. As the _Times_ pathetically
+observed: "At least it should not be taken for granted that improvement
+is impossible till improvement has been attempted. This much has been
+forced upon us by the painful knowledge of the many bitter, often
+heartbreaking, disappointments which cloud the opening of the Royal
+Academy Exhibition, when London looks bright and blooming, and everyone
+and everything around seems so full of life, and so eager and capable of
+enjoyment. It is impossible for those whose office carries them behind
+the scenes, in the midst of the festive and fashionable crowd which
+throngs the stately rooms of the Academy, not to think of the poor
+lodging and the shabby studio, and the easel, the rejected picture, the
+subject of so much labour, the spring of so many hopes, which was
+expected to win bread, if not fame, for the painter." Perfectly true,
+but oh, how pathetic! to those, like myself, "whose office carries them
+behind the scenes." It is pleasant to keep friendly with those Royal
+Academicians and their friends and worshippers--that "festive and
+fashionable crowd"--and to be on good terms with the givers of banquets
+and the pets of Society; but I care little for such, for I am neither a
+logrolling journalist nor a Society-seeking artist, and at the risk of
+having my independence mistaken for egotism, I have always expressed my
+opinions openly and freely, quite regardless of, and not caring one jot
+for, those whose friendship I lost in consequence--no, not even as in
+this case, where the very artists who confessed to me, and who appealed
+to me to attack the Academy, subsequently avoided me, as "it wouldn't
+do, don't you know, to be seen with Furniss, as I am in the running for
+the Academy." This was my dedication.
+
+[Illustration: THE SEE-SAW ANTIC.]
+
+The one object in view was to disabuse the public mind of the erroneous
+impression that the Royal Academy is an unprejudiced official public
+body, that they elect only the best artists, and reject only the
+unworthy--in fact, that R.A. should be considered a hall-mark on work,
+as too many believe it to be, to the detriment of the majority of
+artists. "Most of those artists who write and talk of art may be
+considered prejudiced--no one can well say that you are. What is the
+Royal Academy to you?" was said to me. I was even encouraged by some of
+the Academicians themselves, who had from time to time fruitlessly
+attempted to introduce reforms; but notwithstanding the efforts of the
+right-minded members of their body, the majority adopt the Fabian policy
+of sitting down and doing nothing, or bury their heads, ostrich-like,
+till the storm of indignation raised by their unworthy selfishness and
+indolence has blown over.
+
+I went thoroughly into the subject. I read Blue-books, criticisms,
+sober, solid reviews, Royal Academicians' confessions and defence. I
+read everything connected with the history of the Royal Academy from
+beginning to end. Then I appeared on the platform and gave lectures on
+Art and Artists and the Royal Academy, which drew forth leading articles
+from the _Times_ and nearly every paper in the land.
+
+In my researches I found that the Royal Academy has been a narrow-minded
+clique from its very initiation. It was procured by the trickery of an
+American (its first President), West, from that "dull lad brought up by
+narrow-minded people," George the Third, described by Thackeray: "Like
+all dull men, the King was all his life suspicious of superior people.
+He did not like ... Reynolds.... He loved mediocrities--Benjamin West
+was his favourite painter."
+
+  "A royal patron on the sly secured,
+  Which from the first its cheek to shame inured."[A]
+
+[Footnote A: Soden's "Rap at the R.A."]
+
+It was a contemptible pandering to unblushing and self-interested
+sycophancy, involving practically the ruin of all that the best spirits
+in the art world had laboured for since the commencement of the century.
+A society of unmitigated selfishness was thus started, and still
+continues. When everything else around has been reformed, as the country
+has advanced and increased, the Royal Academy remains exactly as it was
+when so hurriedly formed one hundred and thirty years ago.
+
+To all this I received endless confirmation, but, alas! the writers did
+not give me permission to publish their names. I have on my desk before
+me as I write this page a letter from the editor of our most artistic
+illustrated weekly: "Allow me to congratulate you; keep pegging away.
+The Royal Academy of Arts (plural) is nonsense; it is, as you say, a
+Royal Academy of oil. If the R.A. had done their duty years ago, we
+would not see such farcical statues in the streets, nor should I (as at
+present moment employed) be writing to Berlin and Vienna for assistance
+in matters where skill and taste are required by art workmen." The
+President of a certain Royal Academy wrote: "I have just read your
+'Royal Academy Antics,' and I must confess that, as far as I can judge,
+many of its strictures are deserved; ... but I can venture to say that
+many of the antiquated mistakes made by the parent Academy have been
+carefully avoided by our governing body."
+
+[Illustration: THE FIRST P.R.A.]
+
+From all sorts and conditions of artists and art employers I received
+congratulations. Those from the poor struggling outsiders alone repaid
+me for the trouble I had taken. At that time, only eleven years ago, the
+Royal Academy and other picture shows were in a very different position
+from what they are now. Art is no longer a fashion; proportionately the
+Royal Academy is going down. The glory of Lord Leighton, one of the
+brightest of Society's stars, attracted hosts of fashionable people to
+the gatherings of the Academy, and Sir John Millais, too, was much run
+after by the fashionable crowd. Now that these are gone, the Academy has
+lost all interest in smart Society. "Academy Antics up to Date" would
+not have any sale, "An Artistic Joke" in Bond Street would not have any
+visitors. I fought for the weak when they were crushed by the strong.
+Now that "My Lady Oil" is feeble and powerless, I desist.
+
+"The Royal Academy has been the subject of many bitter attacks," wrote
+the editor of the _Magazine of Art_, "during the last hundred
+years--attacks which, directed against unjust or antiquated rules, have
+usually been well founded. But never, perhaps, has so effective a charge
+been made as that which Mr. Furniss brings in his entertaining volume;
+and if it be true that ridicule will pierce there whence the shafts of
+indignation will rebound, no little good may be looked for from the
+publication."
+
+[Illustration: NO WATER-COLOUR OR BLACK-AND-WHITE NEED APPLY.]
+
+Precisely so. Others, serious and influential, had exposed the R.A.; I
+tried what ridicule would do. But the public did not take me seriously,
+and the Press took me too seriously; and as the public does not buy
+books on art, but is content with a _réchauffé_, my object to a certain
+extent was defeated.
+
+My Lady Oil of Burlington House is a very selfish creature; she
+persistently refuses to recognise her twin-sister Water Colour, giving
+her but one miserable room in her mansion, and no share whatever in her
+honours. My Lady Oil is selfish; My Lady Oil is unjust to favour
+engravers and architects, and to ignore painters in water-colours and
+artists in black-and-white. She showers honours on her adopted sisters,
+Engraving and Architecture, because the former mechanically reproduces
+her work, and the latter builds her pretty toy-houses for her children
+to live in.
+
+This is really altogether absurd when you reflect that it is in
+water-colour that English art excels, and that the copyist, the
+engraver's occupation will soon be gone, beaten away by slightly more
+mechanical, but more effective, modes of reproduction.
+
+Sooner or later John Bull will open his inartistic eyes, and see that
+mediocrity in oil is not equal to excellence in water, and that those
+who originate with the pencil are far before copyists with the graver
+and drawers of plans.
+
+I then advocated a National Academy, a Commonwealth of Art, presided
+over by a State Minister of Fine Art, in which mediocrity will find no
+space till a welcome and a place have been given to all earnest work,
+regardless of its nature.
+
+Where the number of works of any one man will be limited, and where
+there will be no such mockery of good work as "rejection for want of
+space."
+
+Where all the fine arts, and especially the national fine art
+(water-colour paintings), shall be recognised as arts, and the best of
+the professors of them shall at least be eligible for election.
+
+Where the committee of selection and hanging shall be--as in the
+Salon--elected by the body of exhibitors.
+
+Where reasonable time shall be given to the proper consideration of
+every work sent in.
+
+Where the women, in the rare event of their being equal to their brother
+brushes, shall be elected into the magic circle.
+
+Very few of the great public who find the splendid Tate Gallery "a thing
+of beauty and a joy for ever," recollect the disgraceful treatment the
+donor of it received at the hands of the Government and others. The way
+in which Mr.--afterwards Sir--Henry Tate was "held up to derision and
+contempt by a handful of irresponsible cranks" was a public scandal. Mr.
+Tate, in consequence, temporarily withdrew his princely offer of
+£150,000 to the nation. All his friends, and they were legion, deeply
+sympathised with him. I, being one of the few who were asked by Mr. Tate
+to meet at his house and consider the form of the "British Luxembourg"
+before the offer was made public at all, took upon myself to write to
+the _Times_ as follows:--
+
+     "Red-tapeism has triumphed, and all your art-loving readers are
+     disgusted, but not altogether surprised, to find this morning that
+     Mr. Henry Tate has retired from the scene with his princely offer
+     of £80,000 and his magnificent collection of pictures, which was to
+     form the nucleus of the proposed gallery of British art. It is a
+     bitter disappointment to the munificent Mr. Tate, and a warning to
+     others who, like him, come forward with their purse and their
+     pictures and offer them to an unartistic nation. It is bad enough
+     to find that a splendid gift like this cannot be accepted; but even
+     worse features in this lengthy controversy have been the gross
+     personal attacks and ungenerous insinuations made against the
+     would-be donor, which must be particularly hurtful to his modest
+     and unobtrusive nature, and I now write to suggest that all those
+     who sympathise with him (and surely their name is legion) should
+     show him some public mark of their appreciation. To the British
+     mind this at once suggests a banquet, and I would most willingly
+     undertake all the arrangements in connection with it if my present
+     state of health did not preclude my doing so; but, without a doubt,
+     among Mr. Tate's countless admirers there must be many eager to
+     adopt and carry out this suggestion."
+
+Of course I was chaffed in the Press for so "characteristically, though
+gravely," suggesting such a thing. My object in making the proposal was
+misunderstood. I was accused of putting the crowning absurdity on the
+whole thing, of making a cheaply canonised martyr of Mr. Tate, and some
+ungenerously hinted I was following up my joke of my "offer to the
+nation" by another. In fact, for the first time in the history of
+England, a public man was not to have a public dinner when there
+happened to be a matter of public importance to celebrate and ventilate!
+On the other hand, I received a letter from Mr. Tate, from Bournemouth,
+the day my letter in the _Times_ appeared, in which he thanked me for my
+warm hearted letter in the _Times_, but begged of me not to press my
+proposal in his honour. "As you say, I am a modest man, and it would be
+more than I could stand. What I _should like_ would be to see the
+artists calling a public meeting and protesting against the way in which
+British art has been shelved." In the same letter he assured me "that
+too much could not be said in condemnation of Sir Frederick Leighton's
+and the Academicians' supineness." In writing to thank me for dropping
+the proposed banquet, he again referred to his great surprise and
+disappointment that neither Sir Frederick Leighton nor any one of the
+Academicians had given his scheme any support, and complained that the
+President of the Royal Academy had been much more loyal to his friend
+Lord Carlisle "than to the cause of British art."
+
+
+THE OLD BAILEY.
+
+In the winter of 1885 the following paragraph ran through the Press:--"A
+statement has been circulated from a quarter that may be taken as well
+informed, that the City Lands Committee of the Corporation of London
+have perfected plans for the improvement of the Central Criminal Court.
+It is not improbable that the process of reform has been accelerated by
+a recent letter to the public Press of Mr. Harry Furniss, the well-known
+comic artist, who, having been summoned as a juryman, suffered many woes
+while waiting to be called into the box." As the _Saturday Review_
+remarked, the bitter cry of the outcast juror which I uttered is
+familiar enough to the public ear, but I had given it a more penetrating
+note than usual; but it did not hesitate to say that it would not
+produce any more effect upon those whom I sought to influence "than the
+less articulate, or even than the absolutely inarticulate, protests of
+many generations of his fellow-sufferers." And the _Saturday Review_ was
+right, for fifteen winters have passed since I wrote my protest to the
+_Daily News_.
+
+     "I cannot help thinking the prisoners at the Old Bailey have every
+     reason to congratulate themselves they are brought there as
+     prisoners, and not as jurymen. They are well looked after, and have
+     a clear way into Court, and plenty of room when they get there.
+     These are their advantages; but, alas! the lot of the poor jurymen
+     is not such a happy one. For some reasons, which may (or may not)
+     exist in the mind of the summoning officer, I received a demand
+     from him to appear and perform a 'super's' part in trial by jury at
+     the Old Bailey Petty Sessions. I arrived at the Court punctually at
+     the hour requested, and after fighting my way through a mixture of
+     other small ratepayers, detectives, bailed prisoners, and
+     nondescripts, I came to the first floor. Then I entered a dark
+     passage, 'standing room only,' and found it quite impossible to get
+     near the Court, the outside of which resembled the entrance to Old
+     Drury on Boxing Night. 'There ain't no room; just stand outside
+     there!' where I managed to keep my temper and my feet for a
+     considerable time. By degrees I squeezed into the Court with my hat
+     and temper ruffled. I arrived at barrier No. 1. 'Have I been
+     called?' 'Name?' 'Yes, yer 'ave, long ago; fined five pounds for
+     not answering to your name'; explanation. Shoved on to barrier No.
+     2; explanation repeated. Shoved on to barrier No. 3; explanation
+     repeated again, and reached barrier No. 4. The Judge: 'Swear'; and
+     I swore. Final explanation; fine taken off. I have an excuse.
+     'Stand down!' Here I remain for an hour and a half in a pen,
+     huddled up with more 'Hexcuses,' as Mr. Husher calls us, some of
+     whom, by their own statement, came from houses in which there were
+     infectious diseases. Imagine how nice this would be with the
+     jury-box full! I must admit the presiding Judge performed his task
+     of selection with discretion, particularly when he let me off. But
+     I observe that before the Judge there is a bouquet of flowers. I am
+     told that this is the survival of an old custom of placing hyssop
+     before the Bench by way of febrifuge to protect him from
+     pestilential vapours from the dock. I would like to suggest that a
+     bunch of hyssop be again substituted for the bouquet of flowers. In
+     justice, I ask you this: Is it reasonable to fine an over-taxed
+     ratepayer five pounds for not having heard his name through a musty
+     brick wall? And may I through you make a proposal--that busy
+     professional men should be exempt from this annoyance on payment of
+     one guinea per annum, and that this fund should either be employed
+     in building a new court, or provide fees for a really competent
+     jury of junior barristers, who undoubtedly would be the right men
+     in the right place?"
+
+My "cry" was taken up by the Press. "Purgatory is no name for it," "The
+Old Bailey Scandal," and other startling headlines failed to move
+Bumbledom. The most celebrated Criminal Court in the world, situated in
+the richest city, to this day remains a public scandal and a purgatory
+to unfortunate jurymen. My suggestion in this "amusing jeremiad," as it
+was called by one paper, contained one serious proposal; but my protest
+against the only form of conscription known to our laws, and my
+suggestion that the jury should be paid junior barristers, was, I
+confess, the only humorous idea I had in writing the letter! The major
+portion was serious--so again I have been a victim to the want of humour
+on the part of my journalistic friends.
+
+[Illustration: THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT. _From "Punch."_]
+
+Mr. _Punch_ appeared as my "champion stout and warm" in a series of
+verses, a few of which I quote:
+
+  "That citizen is now in Court, a dismal den and dusty;
+  Frowsy and foul its fittings be, its atmosphere is fusty;
+  And oh, its minor myrmidons are proud and passing crusty!
+
+  "They chivy him, that citizen, hustle him here and there;
+  One elbow looseth his trim tie, one rumpleth his back hair:
+  They greet his queries with a grunt, his grumblings with a stare.
+
+  "A close-packed crowd doth hem him round, a tight, malodorous 'block'
+  Of fustian men and women gross, of dry and dusty lock;
+  His 'By your leaves' they heed no whit, his struggles wild they mock.
+
+  "He may not stir, he cannot see. At length, in tones of blame,
+  He hears them toss from lip to lip his own much-honoured name:
+  'What! Fined for absence!!! That be blowed!' He swells with wrath
+    and shame.
+
+  "And through the throng he madly thrusts, like Viking, through the press
+  Strewing his path with buttons burst and fragments of his dress,
+  Claiming reversal of that fine with dearly-bought success.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "How long, oh British citizens, will ye in patience bide
+  The torture of the Jury-box remorselessly applied,
+  The Usher's haughty insolence, the Bobby's baleful pride?
+
+  "How long shall the 'twelve honest men,' our constitution's end,
+  Be treated worse than criminals, their time and money lend,
+  Long hours of thankless horror in their country's cause to spend?
+
+  "_Punch_ riseth in indignant wrath, your champion stout and warm:
+  'Tis time that Somebody should take this old abuse by storm,
+  And sweep out the Old Bailey with the besom of Reform."
+
+  [Illustration: THANK YO-O-U!]
+
+  I have to confess that letters to the Press have, as a rule, little
+  effect in reforming; in fact, my only direct success was caused by an
+  illustrated letter to _Punch_. The tent-jobbers were evicted, and the
+  pleasant and not altogether picturesque pavilion for cricketers, in the
+  centre of Regent's Park, was erected in consequence of this letter of
+  mine to _Punch_:
+
+     "DEAR MR. _Punch_,--I have discovered a nasty spot in one of the
+     lungs of London. As you are the Doctor to cure all evils, I trust
+     you will take up the case.
+
+     "I re-visited the neighbourhood of dear old Regent's Park last
+     week. I strolled through the Zoo to renew the acquaintance of all
+     my friends there, deserted in the 'Out of Town' season, and longing
+     in vain, alas! for their day in the country. It was early; the Park
+     was deserted, except by the birds, and here and there laughing
+     children with their nurses. Everything was pleasant, so fresh and
+     green, and free and easy, unlike the West End 'lungs.'
+
+     "I sat myself down on a bench. Shut out from the madding crowd, one
+     could breathe in comfort. I recalled Locker's lines in praise of
+     Piccadilly--that crowded thoroughfare, dusty and noisy--and while
+     trying to fit them in to suit the beautiful scene around me, I
+     nodded, and fell asleep.
+
+            *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Bang! I'm awake! What's that? A cannon-ball hit me in the back?
+     I'm all of a heap on the grass, my hat one way, my umbrella
+     another--and I nowhere! or, where am I? Dear me, am I dreaming?
+     Have I been carried by a shot? (Volunteers do practise in the
+     Park.) Was it a suburban race-meeting? Yes, it must be, and one of
+     a low order. And yet this is surely Regent's Park!
+
+     [Illustration: REGENT'S PARK AS IT WAS. _From "Punch."_ A ROUGH
+     SKETCH ON WOOD.]
+
+     "'Thank you, sir!'--'Thank y-o-o-u!'--'Th-a-n-k y-o-o-o-u!'"
+
+     I pick myself up. _Is_ it the monkeys' half-holiday? Yes! They are
+     imitating boys playing cricket. Their cages are close at hand.
+
+     "Bang! Another blow!! This time I receive the enemy's blow--as an
+     Englishman should--in front. It brings me up standing--I see it
+     all! The monkeys are boys; the cages are practising nets; and the
+     balls come off the bats! A nurse in charge of five children is
+     under fire--in terror that some of her little ones may be hit and
+     killed--and it is a wonder they are not. I gallantly cover her
+     retreat, for no park-keeper is to be seen. Then I turned my
+     attention to what I thought--when half-dazed, but not altogether
+     wrong--was a corner of a low race-meeting, or gipsy encampment.
+     Here is a sketch, sir, made on the spot. It certainly was like
+     both--dirty unfinished tents, casks, rubbish and rags, something
+     boiling, and some people brawling, the grass all worn, and the walk
+     cut up! An eyesore, a disgrace, sir!
+
+     "A somewhat artistically-built kiosk stands a hundred yards or so
+     away. If the mass of cricketers want another, by all means let them
+     have it, and drive the unsightly tent-jobbers out of the Park.
+
+     "If this sort of thing is allowed by officials in charge, then,
+     sir, I venture to think the sketch heading this letter, 'What it
+     will come to,' will be an actual illustration of fact.
+
+                             "Yours truly,
+                                   "STURMIE STUMPS."
+
+Unfortunately my more recent attack on "Lord's," and my letters and
+articles on various other public matters, have not met with the same
+success. Even domestic annoyances have been ventilated by me, and I
+fondly hope have had some effect.
+
+_A propos_ of the foregoing, I may here make full confession of how
+
+I FOUND A SNAKE IN REGENT'S PARK.
+
+The following incident may prove interesting to the public in general
+and naturalists in particular:
+
+While taking an early walk in Regent's Park on Saturday, June 12th,
+1894, I captured, not the proverbial worm, but a specimen of a rare
+species of snake, which was indulging in a constitutional on one of the
+broad paths. "What a gigantic worm!" was my first thought, but on my
+using my stick to arrest its further progress it rose in the orthodox
+snake-like fashion at my cane, throwing itself into an attitude of
+defence and hissing with anger. The park-keeper, park-labourers who were
+mowing the grass close by, and divers members of the British public,
+from the piscatorial street arab with his minnow-ensnaring thread and
+bent pin to the portly merchant wending Citywards, were soon on the
+spot, and really that diminutive reptile caused more consternation than
+would have been the case had it been instead an Anarchist bomb. I sent
+over to the cricket pavilion for a tin canister wherein to cage _pro
+tem._ the wily stranger, and excitement waxed high as preparations were
+made to accomplish the fearsome feat. This was safely managed by the aid
+of a newspaper, which naturally enough, considering the events of the
+week, proved to be of a sporting character, and the viper, probably
+anxious as to the result of the Oaks, glided to the column containing
+that news, whence it was expeditiously shaken into the canister, which I
+perforated at the top, and walked off with my tinned snake to the
+Zoological Gardens hard by, where its roaming propensities were kept in
+check within the walls of the reptile house.
+
+I was somewhat startled to learn that my captive had not escaped from
+the Gardens, which did not contain one of its species, and Mr. Bartlett
+gave it as his opinion that there must have been a number more wherever
+this one came from. This new danger further enhanced the charms of
+Regent's Park, which on Saturdays is a perfect pandemonium, the
+pedestrian having to exert a great deal of agility to dodge the whizzing
+cricket balls and avoid being maimed for life. Now that we have had
+snakes in the grass we may expect vultures in the air, and who knows
+that in time to come we may not be shooting big game in the jungles of
+the north-west!
+
+The above is the substance of a letter I wrote to the _Times_, the
+publication of which caused no little consternation in some papers and
+no little chaff, at my expense, in others. The London evening papers
+appeared with startling contents bills and sensational headings:
+
+      "_LIKA-JOKO, THE SERPENT HUNTER._"
+
+      "SNAKES IN REGENTS PARK!"
+
+      "THE TALE OF THE SERPENT,"   "SNAKES ALIVE!" &c.
+
+The _Westminster Gazette_, "In the hope of gleaning some valuable
+information about this newly-discovered fearful reptile which lies in
+wait for wayfarers in the wilds of Northern London," sent a
+representative post-haste to interview Mr. Bartlett, the superintendent
+of the Zoological Gardens. This report in the _Westminster_ is headed:
+
+  "He thought he saw an elephant
+     Upon the mantelpiece;
+  He looked again, and found it was
+     His sister's husband's niece,"
+
+and then proceeds to throw doubt upon my veracity.
+
+[Illustration: THE LATE MR. BARTLETT.]
+
+     "Mr. Harry Furniss has been suffering from a delusion very similar
+     to that of the subject of Mr. Lewis Carroll's nonsense-verse. Mr.
+     Bartlett is a man of few words, though what he does say is both
+     interesting and humorous. Without replying"--(the _Westminster_
+     representative required him to tell him all he knew about my
+     snake)--"he took up his pen and, on the back of a visiting-card
+     which lay before him, he drew a circle as large as the card would
+     hold, the ends of which did not quite meet. 'There,' he said, 'that
+     is about the actual size of Mr. Harry Furniss's snake. You see its
+     size is not alarming, and its nature is not venomous. In fact, it
+     is absolutely harmless.'
+
+     "'But it is of rare variety, is it not?'
+
+     "'The variety is not common, certainly, though I have known it for
+     the last eighteen or twenty years. It is known as the small crowned
+     snake (_Coronella lævis_), and is occasionally found in Hampshire
+     and in one or two other counties. The first specimen I had was
+     brought to me from Hampshire by a friend of mine, a young officer.
+     As he pulled it out of his hand-bag in this room I saw it biting at
+     his fingers. I thought it was a viper; but, of course, on examining
+     it I soon saw what it really was. It has no fangs, and it is, as I
+     said, quite harmless. At its full size it may measure from fourteen
+     to sixteen inches. As for its rarity, here is a fairly long list of
+     the specimens we have had, and we have several at present. But come
+     along to the reptile house and see it for yourself.'
+
+     "Arrived, at the reptile house, Mr. Bartlett called the keeper, and
+     in solemn tones and with a grave countenance requested him to 'show
+     this gentleman Mr. Harry Furniss's serpent.' The man looked puzzled
+     for a moment, and then gradually a broad grin spread over his face
+     as he replied: 'Oh, yes, sir, if I can find it, but I am not sure
+     about that,' However, he removed the lid from a glass case
+     containing several lively little creatures just about as large as a
+     fresh-water eel at the age at which it is known to the small boy
+     who tries to catch it in his hands as the 'darning needle.' After
+     groping about in the sand at the bottom of the case he found the
+     specimen required and handed it over to Mr. Bartlett, who held it
+     in his hand and allowed it to make savage darts at his fingers.
+     'You see,' he said, it is a lively little thing--extremely
+     spiteful, but quite powerless to hurt me.' After it had been put
+     back and carefully secured, lest it should make another descent
+     upon London, Mr. Bartlett gave his theories as to how it might have
+     got into Regent's Park. 'There are two ways in which it might have
+     come here,' he explained. 'I imagine it has been brought in some of
+     the plants or shrubs which have been provided for the Park
+     gardeners; or else somebody may have brought a female with young
+     ones from the country and carelessly allowed this one to escape.
+     But stray animals like this are almost sure to come to us sooner or
+     later. Whenever people find anything unusual, they think it must be
+     an escaped specimen and forward it here. Why, when the great
+     explosion on the canal occurred in 1874, the glass in our aviaries
+     was shattered. Of course a great number of our birds escaped, but
+     it was in November, and most of them were glad enough to return to
+     the warmth and to the food provided for them. But people were
+     continually sending us birds for a long time, and, in fact, more
+     birds were sent here than had actually escaped.'
+
+     "'Then, as a last question, Mr. Bartlett, what does the fuss which
+     has been made about this snake mean?'
+
+     "Mr. Bartlett looked more solemn than ever as he suggested: 'Well,
+     Mr. Harry Furniss is fond of a joke--Lika-Joko is a capital name
+     for him; he may have been serious, or he may not."
+
+I was serious, and so was dear old Mr. Bartlett, whom it was my
+privilege to know well, but he did not let the representative of the
+_Westminster_ see this.
+
+I replied to the above article:
+
+     "On reading your descriptive interview with Mr. Bartlett _à propos_
+     of my finding a reptile in Regent's Park, I was, believe me, far
+     more surprised than when I captured the primary cause of your
+     representative's journey to the Zoological Gardens. You endeavour
+     to sum up the incident and my veracity by quoting the following
+     lines of Mr. Lewis Carroll's:--
+
+       "'He thought he saw an Elephant
+           Upon the mantelpiece;
+         He looked again, and found it was
+           His sister's husband's niece,'
+
+     "Now it seems to me that another extract from the same work would
+     have lent itself better to your requirements:
+
+       "'He thought he saw a Rattlesnake
+           That questioned him in Greek;
+         He looked again, and found it was
+           The Middle of Next Week.
+         "The one thing I regret," he said,
+           "Is that I cannot speak!"'"
+
+     I very much regret that it--the snake--cannot speak, for were it
+     gifted with articulate power your representative could hold a _viva
+     voce_ interview with his snakeship, and therefore become
+     enlightened as to the real facts of the case. The reptile might
+     also disclose the locality he hails from, as that important point
+     is still shrouded in mystery.
+
+     "As soon as I had read your article, which deals somewhat
+     frivolously with a very serious subject, I went forth to the Zoo in
+     quest of Mr. Bartlett, but that gentleman had left town. Perhaps
+     the article in question had something to do with his departure. Why
+     I sought to see him was to put to him the following questions to
+     test the accuracy of your statements:
+
+     "1. How comes it that you informed me on Saturday that the snake
+     was a foreigner, while according to the _Westminster Gazette_ it is
+     English?
+
+     "2. Did you not give it to me as your opinion that it must have
+     come in fruit? You are now made to say that it must have been
+     brought in plants or shrubs, and if that is so, why did the Park
+     gardeners declare that they had never seen anything like it before?
+
+     "3. Did you not say it was only a week old, and also that where it
+     came from there must be a number more?
+
+     "4. Did you not emphatically declare that you had no specimen of
+     the kind in the Gardens, and was it not for this reason I made you
+     a present of this one? How do you reconcile that with the following
+     passage in your interview with the representative of the
+     _Westminster Gazette_: 'As for its rarity, here is a fairly long
+     list of the specimens we have had, and we have several at present'?
+     And did you not give as a reason the reptile could not have strayed
+     from the Gardens the very cogent one that you had none of the kind
+     in your collection? And may I ask whether you really have any or
+     not? For if you have, and the one in question has escaped, what is
+     to prevent rattlesnakes and cobras and other venomous specimens
+     from escaping also?
+
+     "5. If, as you say, you doubted my seriousness, why was the snake
+     duly entered in the books of the Zoological Society, from whom I
+     received a formal letter of thanks for the presentation?
+
+     "6. Would you not rather handle a snake, however dangerous, than
+     the special interviewer of a London evening paper?"
+
+This I followed with another letter, which explains the conflicting
+information received at the Zoo:
+
+     "Since writing to you it has struck me that probably your
+     representative saw Mr. Bartlett senior, whereas I deposited my
+     snake into the care of, and received my information from, Mr.
+     Bartlett junior (the present superintendent). This may account for
+     your representative describing in his article Mr. Bartlett drawing
+     a circle the size of my snake on a visiting-card, and that, too,
+     without the two ends of the circle coming into conjunction. This is
+     so utterly absurd that it is evident Mr. Bartlett could not have
+     seen the reptile at the time. The exact measurement of my baby
+     serpent is seven and a-half inches in length--nearly an inch longer
+     than the word 'Westminster' at the top of your front page--and it
+     is _still growing_!"
+
+[Illustration: SKETCH BY MR. F. C. GOULD.]
+
+So did the story grow--in correspondence, in prose, in verse, and in
+picture. Mr. F. C. Gould treated the subject in Japanese-Lika-Joka
+spirit, and from quantities of verse I select the following from the
+_Sketch_ as the best:
+
+"PICKED UP NEAR THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.
+
+   "'I am the snake of Regent's Park;
+   I lie in wait for men of mark.
+   I'd gladly give my latest breath
+   To fright a funny man to death.
+   So when from ambush I espy
+   A comic artist passing by,
+   I think there is no joy like this--
+   To stand upon my tail and hiss.
+   For it is quite a novel charm
+   To see him start in wild alarm
+   And haste to tell the awful crimes
+   Of Horrid Serpents in the _Times_.
+   It used to be a bitter pang
+   That I was born without a fang,
+   That Nature made me as a toy
+   For any silly idle boy.
+   But now the humble snake may pass
+   For lurking cobra in the grass,
+   While people think that Regent's Park
+   Is Kipling Jungle after dark!'"
+
+Several letters appeared. One from a "Harrow School Boy," in the
+_Times_, was generally accepted at the time as a solution of the
+mystery:
+
+     "SIR,--I keep snakes as pets, and allow them a wriggle on the grass
+     every day. Early last week I missed one, a little black chap about
+     10 to 11 in. long, and have not seen him since. Perhaps the one Mr.
+     Harry Furniss found on Saturday is my lost pet, carried away, not
+     by one of the expected vultures, but by a roving Regent's Park
+     rook."
+
+This soothed some nervous readers' fears; but not all. Another
+correspondent wrote:
+
+     "The tale of the Regent's Park serpent (_Likajokophis
+     harryfurnissii_), discovered, patented, and greatly improved upon
+     by the vivacious caricaturist, appears to be even now not told to
+     its bitter sequel; for I am credibly informed at the Zoological
+     Gardens that an official of a large hospital in the neighbourhood
+     was sent there yesterday to enquire how soon it would be safe for
+     the convalescent patients to resume their daily airing in the
+     Park, as to the probabilities of further lethal reptilian monsters
+     lurking within its fastnesses, etc."
+
+The truth of the matter was, several snakes were at the same time found
+in gardens of private houses close to the Zoological Menagerie. "Mr. A.
+B. Edwards" wrote, from an address close to the Zoo, to the _Daily
+Telegraph_, a few weeks after my finding the cause of all the snake
+sensation:
+
+     "This afternoon we were taking tea in our garden when we saw a
+     snake 2 ft. long frisking on the lawn close to our feet.
+     Fortunately one of our fowls had got loose from the cage, and came
+     to pick up the crumbs. When it caught sight of the snake it pounced
+     upon it, and a great battle was fought between fowl and serpent.
+     After ten minutes' hard fighting, the snake lay dead. Your readers
+     may be interested to hear of this, and, being forewarned, they will
+     be forearmed against snakes in their gardens."
+
+The _Westminster Gazette_, _à propos_ of this:
+
+     "'Lika-Joko's' snake may now crawl away into its native
+     insignificance when it reads of the exploits of its comrade, who
+     preferred death to captivity."
+
+But my snake did not crawl away; far from it. The man in the reptile
+house, who "looked puzzled" and grinned, and had to grope about the sand
+at the bottom of the case to find the snake for the edification of the
+_Westminster Gazette_ interviewer, did not grin to that purpose for
+long. Never before in the history of the Zoo was the reptile house so
+crowded. Day after day people thronged to see the specimen of _Coronella
+lævis_ found on the path in Regent's Park. Not one looked at the two
+splendid specimens of the largest and finest and fiercest snakes bought
+that very week by the Zoological Society, at a cost of three hundred
+pounds. My snake was valued at anything between sixpence and
+eighteenpence, but it brought more money to the turnstiles of the Zoo
+than all the other snakes put together in twenty years.
+
+From an address not half-a-mile from the gates of the Zoological Gardens
+a gentleman wrote to the _World_ about a snake he found in his garden. A
+London and North-Western guard found a boa-constrictor, 22 feet long, in
+his van! "The son of a well-known Member of Parliament" found a huge
+snake in one of the rooms of his father's London house. In fact,
+snake-finding became an epidemic, and if I had come across any more of
+the ophidian brood, I would have feared the consequences. Alas! the
+British public killed my snake--as it has killed many another celebrity
+of the hour--by too much attention and flattery. But how the cause of
+all this excitement got on to the path in the centre of Regent's Park
+remains a mystery. I feel certain myself it had escaped from the
+Zoological Gardens through the drains, and the fact that others were
+discovered in the vicinity of the Park at the same time explains the
+confusion and mild chaff accepted by the _Westminster_ interviewer as a
+complete explanation, forgetting that officialism when criticised is
+much the same all the world over.
+
+[Illustration: THE LADY AND HER SNAKES.]
+
+"The Harrow School Boy" correspondent--probably a very old boy--is not
+alone in his strange choice of pets. A lady who had sent her pet snakes
+to the Zoological Gardens--not by "The Roving Rook Post," but by the
+usual course of presentation--happened to visit the Gardens at the time
+that other great attraction was drawing all London, the great Jumbo
+craze. When she arrived to see the elephant of the hour, the crowd was
+so dense around his cage that there was no chance of getting a peep, so
+she marched off to the reptile house and soon returned with one of her
+pets coiled round her neck. She took her stand close to the people
+engaged in struggling to pat the trunk of the Jumbo, feed it with the
+most expensive sweetmeats, decorate it with choice flowers, and weep
+bitter tears over its impending departure. (The public of the present
+day can hardly realise the excitement over this favourite elephant.)
+Struggling at the same time to be prominent in this Jumbo worship,
+however, the head of a snake appearing suddenly over one's shoulder is
+too much for some of us. One after another the visitors vanished as the
+snake thrust its head near them, and soon the ingenious lady had the
+place and Jumbo to herself.
+
+She was not a professional "snake-charmer," but an eccentric lady of
+private means; her pet was large, but harmless. Strange to say, about
+the same time a company of Japanese "snake-charmers" were causing a
+sensation at a show in the West End of London by their performance with
+snakes of a well-known dangerous species. Some of the reptiles they
+performed with fell sick--languid and useless for sensational show-work.
+They were despatched to the "Zoo" by the manager to be looked
+after--possibly the climate affected them. They would not eat anything,
+and were gradually pining away, when it was discovered that their
+poison-fangs had been extracted, and their mouths were sewn up with
+silk. Charming, certainly!
+
+Having lived close to the Zoological Gardens for over twenty years, and
+being a Fellow of the Society, I have spent a great deal of enjoyable
+time rambling about its ever-interesting collection. The "Zoo" is very
+like London itself--one never exhausts its interest. There is always a
+surprise in store for those even most intimately acquainted with it. One
+suddenly comes across an object of interest that has existed in the
+place for years, but one has not happened to pass at the moment that
+object appears. How many visitors to the "Zoo," for instance, have ever
+seen the beavers at work? To see them, the most interesting animals in
+the collection, one has to go very late or very early. Knowing old Mr.
+Bartlett as I did, I frequently saw interesting events, and heard from
+him interesting tales of the Gardens.
+
+Another letter of mine to the _Times_ took the form of a confession. It
+was what was described in the Press as "a humorous, yet withal pathetic
+complaint" (December, 1895) respecting the irritating inconvenience
+caused by so-called "modern conveniences," which do not always act
+satisfactorily. I had been driven to "let off steam" (which is better
+accomplished through a pen than with a pencil) by my experience in one
+week of the modern inventions which are designed to facilitate business
+and to benefit the public generally, and I still seriously question if
+these wonderful inventions and the extra expense incurred by adopting
+them are not a mistake.
+
+The working of the telephone has become, of course, a farce, and the
+sooner the Government take it up the better. Several large business
+houses have given it up, and in the working of the telephone London,
+which ought to be the most favoured, is probably the most unfortunate
+city of any in the world. I have tried half-a-dozen times in one day to
+ring up different people on the telephone without succeeding in getting
+through, and have had to send notes by hand.
+
+The electric light is another disappointing "improvement." It has gone
+out four times in one week, and we had to use candles and lamps.
+
+Then the District Messengers' wire, which I had in communication with my
+house, would not act. I rang up for a cab; no response. I rang up again;
+nothing came. I sent out for a cab, and was late for dinner. The next
+day a representative called casually to inform me that we could not use
+the wire for two or three days, as something had gone wrong.
+
+I then tried the phonograph; but I had more correspondence about it than
+I had through it.
+
+[Illustration: DO WOMEN FAIL IN ART? THE CHRYSALIS.]
+
+A plague on these experiments in the advancement of science intended to
+facilitate our work and add to our comfort! The electric light kills our
+sight; the telephone destroys our temper; the District Messenger call
+ruins our dinner; and, conjointly, they waste our time and deplete our
+purses.
+
+When there was a controversy in the _Daily Graphic_ I wrote in the
+interests of women to make one confession:
+
+Do women fail in art?
+
+Confession--Certainly not.
+
+In the opinion of many, women fail in nothing, but base man fails in
+appreciating women in art as in everything else where appreciation of
+talent is due. The fashion-plate young lady, with her doll's face, her
+empty head, and her sawdust constitution, monopolises all the attention
+that selfish man can afford to give outside thoughts about his own sweet
+self.
+
+Every year we see some work in the Academy from the easel of a woman
+which is far better than many of the works exhibited by Academicians,
+and although when that selfish body was being formed there were not
+enough men to supply the number of figure-heads required, and two women
+were requisitioned to launch the ship, all the gratitude shown to the
+sex has been years of continued insult. Yet there are certain
+Academicians who paint like women for women, and instead of leaving it
+to women receive all the honour and remuneration; and those having this
+feminine art and spirit behave the worst to those whom they copy. The
+pretty-pretty pictures of conventional coquetries which we have served
+up year after year by the chefs of this pastry of art might be concocted
+by the dainty fingers of the lady artist just as well as, or even better
+than, by the effeminate man who takes her place and robs her of her
+honours. But after all, are not the women themselves to blame? Art, I
+hold, is nowadays purely a commercial affair. Burlington House is simply
+a huge shop, and it is all nonsense to talk for one instant about the
+encouragement it gives to art, or to take seriously the prosy platitudes
+which are poured forth year by year at that picture tradesmen's
+dinner--the Royal Academy Banquet. Women are not invited--women,
+forsooth, whose works on the walls have done their share towards
+bringing the shillings to the turnstiles of the Academy. But more
+ridiculous still is the omission of lady patrons of art, for it is well
+known that this feast is given with two objects--to advertise the coming
+show, merely "chicken and champagne" in theatrical phraseology, and to
+feast Mr. Cr[oe]sus, who buys the pictures of his host.
+
+Now, it is the influence of women that makes the majority of men buy
+pictures. Few men buy pictures to please themselves; they buy them to
+please their wives. Why women are not patronised in art is for this
+simple reason, that women would rather patronise the work of a fool, if
+that fool be a man, than the work of a genius, if that genius happen to
+be a woman. I agree with Mrs. Jopling, that "with men success is reached
+with a fair wind and every favour, while with women those only succeed
+who have the power of weathering many storms." Quite true. Grace Darling
+will row out to help some feeble man struggling in the billows of
+incompetency, but she will sit on a rock and see a woman sink before she
+will stretch out a helping hand. If women fail in art, it is because
+women fail to help them, and I hold that but for women we might even
+to-day find the Royal Academy incapable of forming a quorum without
+calling in lady artists, as they did before. I see that the two ladies
+most qualified to speak about this subject disagree on the most
+essential point. Mrs. E.M. Ward gives it as her opinion that if women
+studied with the same quiet devotion as the male student they would be
+more successful; but Mrs. Louise Jopling asserts that young girls show
+quite as much disposition for art as young men do. I have no hesitation
+in saying that the latter opinion is the correct one. The male art
+student vies with the medical student in playing the fool. A friend of
+mine has recently been driven out of his studio, which was situated next
+to an art school, by the asinine behaviour of these "quiet devotional
+students." But in any school I have been through I have noted with
+astonishment the painstaking sincerity of the lady students.
+
+[Illustration: THE BUTTERFLY.]
+
+All that has been written on the subject from time to time seems to me
+to be quite devoid of common sense. We all know what a delightful poet
+Mr. Sterry is, and how fondly he sings the praises of women. Probably he
+has been so engrossed in describing the grace of the girl that he has
+failed to look for the natural elegance of the boy. Possibly no artist
+admires the female form more than I do, but any artist will corroborate
+me when I say it is a matter of the greatest difficulty to find a
+graceful young female model, while you seldom find a youth who is really
+awkward. The playground of a girls' school is a conglomeration of
+awkward figures, awkward running, awkward gesticulating, enough to make
+an artist shudder, while the cricket or football ground of a college is
+the best study an artist can possibly have for the poetry of motion. Mr.
+Sterry cannot be in earnest when he says that girls think the study of
+anatomy tiresome, drawing from the antique a bore, painting from the
+nude superfluous, and studies of the old masters uninteresting. An
+afternoon round the art schools and art galleries will prove to him the
+very reverse. But then the "lazy minstrel" cannot intend his readers to
+take him seriously, for he says that women have greater delicacy of
+touch and facility of manipulation than men, and that their hands are
+less awkward and their fingers more lissom than those of the sterner
+sex. In poetry, my minstrel, yes; in reality, bosh. Where are your women
+conjurors? You say that their brain is not strong enough to second their
+manual advantage, but that they can "knock off" a pretty water-colour or
+oil study of flowers, or a graphic caricature! Caricature, indeed!
+Perhaps no one has seen more caricatures than I have, but I have never
+seen a caricature by a woman. If women have a failing, it is lack of
+humour. We poor caricaturists know that; but we also know that whereas
+women can compete side by side with painters on the line of the Royal
+Academy, we are not honoured by even a failure in caricature.
+
+It is curious how clever lady artists become when they happen to be the
+wives of successful painters, but it is a significant fact that while
+all writers seem to agree that marriage is the cause of obliterating
+artistic ambition in women, it has in many cases been the birth of
+genius; and while domestic companionship with an artist will make a
+woman a painter, no caricaturist has ever succeeded in making his wife
+a humorist in art, and I shall ask Mr. Sterry what he means by placing
+"graphic caricature" on a par with "knocked-off" pretty water-colours
+and the weak studies of flowers by lady amateurs. Mr. Sterry is an
+artist himself, and this disparagement of a most difficult and most
+unique art fully qualifies him to be a member of the Royal Academy.
+
+[Illustration: EARLY VICTORIAN ART.]
+
+At the beginning of the Victorian Era art was at its lowest ebb. The
+young lady students of the period were copying those impossible
+lithographed heads which formed the stock-in-trade of the
+drawing-master, or those fashion-plate Venuses whose necks recalled the
+proportions of the giraffe, with the eyelashes of a wax doll, and
+fingers that tapered off like the point of a pencil. These sirens of the
+drawing-board were invariably smelling a rose or kissing a canary, and
+always had a weakness for pearls. They used to be drawn upon tinted
+paper, and when the faces had been duly smeared over with the stump to
+suggest shadow, and after the drawing-master had endowed the work with
+artistic merit by the application of white chalk to the high lights, the
+pearls, the canary's eyes, and the pathetic tear-drops upon the damsels'
+faces, the immortal productions were ready for framing. The giraffe or
+swan-necked angel was the keynote for all ideal work, and even the
+recognised artists of those days, with one or two brilliant exceptions,
+followed in her train.
+
+Now she rushes into a large oil picture--perhaps a portrait of her
+brother in riding costume, _et hoc genus omne_. These are caricatures,
+but, like many of the pictures on the walls of the Royal Academy, they
+are unconscious ones.
+
+As I am writing about the failure or success of women, I should like to
+introduce a curious request once made to me.
+
+[Illustration: YOUNG LADY'S PORTRAIT OF HER BROTHER.]
+
+It is a very common thing for me to receive all sorts and conditions of
+curious letters from all sorts of people. The following, sent to me from
+the Colonies, is worth reprinting:
+
+     "DEAR SIR,--I have taken the liberty to address you upon a little
+     matter, and earnestly hope you will exert and use your influence on
+     my behalf to the utmost of your ability. I am a young man
+     twenty-three years of age, of good family, handsome, worth in stock
+     and cash about £18,000. I intend coming to reside in dear Old
+     England permanently (the land of my birth) as soon as I can dispose
+     of my property and stock to an advantage here. I came out to Africa
+     as a youngster, and have remained here ever since. I've not had an
+     opportunity even of paying a visit to England. Will you be good
+     enough to try and induce some young lady to correspond with me with
+     a view to matrimony? I should like to get married upon my arrival,
+     and live in joyful anticipation of meeting my love at the docks or
+     station. I am well aware that I am transgressing the rules of good
+     breeding and etiquette by my familiarity and audacity, but the fact
+     is I am totally unacquainted in the city and know of no one else in
+     whom I could put implicit faith and confidence with regard to so
+     delicate a matter. Pardon me, therefore, dear sir, if I have been
+     in any way intrusive or have unwillingly offended you. I have had
+     scores of favourable opportunities to get married here, but, to
+     tell the plain truth, I would sooner die than marry anybody not of
+     my own nationality. She must have a lady's blood in her veins, and
+     born and bred in the auld country, or I'll die a confirmed old
+     bachelor. The society of these Cape girls is somewhat detestable to
+     me, and their ways, looks, figure, dress, education, refinement,
+     and accomplishments are not to be compared to Old England's. Hoping
+     I've not occupied too much of your valuable time, and trusting to
+     hear from you at your earliest convenience or opportunity, with
+     kind regards, I beg to remain,
+
+                                "Yours truly,
+                                        "----."
+
+[Illustration: WAITING.]
+
+I was puzzled to know what to do with this letter--I really felt for my
+correspondent. I therefore printed his request in a London letter I was
+writing at the time and which appeared in the principal local papers in
+the United Kingdom, and also in the papers of America and Australia, and
+added a portrait of the lady I had selected, with the following note:
+
+     "Unless the publication of this letter leads to some favourable
+     offers I shall send my unknown, but hymeneally disposed,
+     correspondent this sketch of a lady capable of looking after so
+     young and venturesome a man, seated at the docks waiting his
+     arrival, for unless he has a sketch or photograph how is he to
+     identify his 'love' amidst the crowd which greets the
+     homeward-bound steamer?"
+
+And I have preserved a few out of the scores of letters I received, to
+hand to this gentleman should I ever have the pleasure of meeting him.
+
+Judging from this, the manager of a matrimonial agency must indeed get a
+curious insight into the minds of the maids of Merry England. This
+single experience has been quite enough for me.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF A DINER.
+
+     My First City Dinner--A Minnow against the Stream--Those Table
+     Plans--Chaos--The City Alderman, Past and Present--Whistler's
+     Lollipops--Odd Volumes--Exchanging Names--Ye Red Lyon Clubbe--The
+     Pointed Beards--Baltimore Oysters--The Sound Money Dinner--To Meet
+     General Boulanger--A Lunch at Washington--No Speeches.
+
+     THE THIRTEEN CLUB--What it was--How it was Boomed--Gruesome
+     Details--Squint-Eyed Waiters--Superstitious Absentees--My Reasons
+     for being Present--'Arry of _Punch_--The Lost "Vocal" Chords--The
+     Undergraduate and the Undertaker--Model Speeches--Albert Smith An
+     Atlantic Contradiction--The White Horse--The White Feather--Exit
+     13.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Probably no meal varies so much in the time of its celebration as that
+most important one, dinner. Some people still exist who dine at one
+o'clock; some also there are who daily observe that fearsome feast
+yclept "High Tea." The majority of people dine at various times ranging
+between seven o'clock and half-past eight, but there is one individual
+alone who dines at six. It is the City Guilder. Time was when City
+princes dwelt in City palaces, and rose at five, breakfasted at seven,
+lunched at twelve, dined at five and retired to rest at ten; but
+nowadays these magnates are lords of the City from ten till four, and of
+the West End and the suburbs for the remainder of the twenty-four hours,
+and they would in the ordinary course of things invite you to dinner at
+eight o'clock or so. What inscrutable law, then, compels them to hold
+their state dinners at the dread hour of six?
+
+For it is at this time, when the ebb-tide of humanity sets strongest
+from the City, that the honoured guest of a City Company may be seen
+fighting his way, like a minnow against stream, in a hansom to his
+dinner at the hall of the Guild. Still, he goes "where glory waits him,"
+so what recks he that the hour is altogether uncongenial and
+inconvenient?
+
+Nevertheless, I know as a matter of fact that this earliness compels
+many invited guests to decline the honour and pleasure of dining with a
+"Gill" (as "Robert" would say), who would without doubt accept the
+invitation were the hours of the Guild as reasonable as their cuisine is
+excellent.
+
+Personally, however, it has often been a pleasure to me to leave my
+easel at four o'clock and prepare to meet my practical City patrons "on
+their own midden" at "5.30 for 6."
+
+As an illustration I will record a reminiscence of a very pleasant
+evening I once spent in the City, when the festivities--save for my
+having to make a speech--went off with that success which is inseparable
+from City dinners.
+
+Imprimis, I arrive in daylight and evening dress. These two, like
+someone and holy water, don't agree, for not all the waters of Geneva
+nor the arts of the queen of all _blanchisseuses_ can destroy the horrid
+contrast between a white tie and a white shirt; yet another good
+argument in favour of a reasonable dinner hour.
+
+I hate being in a minority. More especially do I detest being in such a
+decidedly pronounced minority as one joins when one drives _into_ the
+City about six o'clock in the evening against a vast current of toilers
+of commerce homeward bound. It may be weak, but I feel it all the same.
+I seem to divine the thoughts of the omnibus driver as he gazes down
+upon me from his exalted perch--he does not think my shirt is clean. His
+sixteen "outsides" bestow upon me a supercilious look that conveys to me
+that they opine I am merely cabbing it to the station _en route_ for a
+"suburban hop." But I bear up under it all, and think of the magnificent
+banquet of which they, poor things, know nothing, and I am beginning to
+feel quite proud when a brute of a fellow in charge of a van catches his
+wheel in that of my cab and nearly pitches me out. I hurriedly decide to
+decline the next invitation I receive for a City dinner.
+
+[Illustration: MENU OF THE DINNER GIVEN TO ME BY THE LOTOS CLUB, NEW
+YORK.]
+
+However, I live to reach Cannon Street and the mansion of the "Gill."
+
+I am soon ushered into the Cedar Room, where I am received by the Master
+and the Wardens in their robes.
+
+I mingle with the Guilders and their guests, and find the members of the
+Worshipful Company informing their friends that they are now in the
+Cedar Room; then they sniff, and the guests sniff and say "Charming!"
+Then they remark, "What a lot of pencils it would make!" and laugh, and
+the artists present agree that City folks are shoppy.
+
+On a side table the stranger sees a number of what appear to him
+diagrams of City improvements, with mains and drains and all sorts of
+things, but on closer inspection they turn out to be the plans of the
+table. You discover one bearing your name, and opposite it a red cross,
+or perhaps I ought to say an exaggerated asterisk.
+
+When you have taken your seat downstairs in the Banqueting Hall you
+inspect your plan, from which you find that you can tell who everybody
+is. Capital idea!
+
+"Ah, seat Number 24, the great Professor Snuffers!"
+
+You direct your gaze across the table to seat No. 24, and lo! your
+cherished preconception of the Professor vanishes instanter, for his
+bearing is military, and his whole appearance seems to denote muscle
+rather than mind.
+
+This plan opens up a mine of instruction and information. You refer
+again, and next to the Professor you find the "Master of the Scalpers'
+Company."
+
+"Dear, me, what a clerical-looking old gentleman!" is your mental
+comment.
+
+Next you look for "The Rev. Canon Dormouse."
+
+"Why, he's quite a youth! Can't be more than five-and-twenty, and wears
+a medal and an eye-glass! How types have changed!"
+
+It occurs to you to open a conversation with your next neighbour, which
+you do by making a casual allusion to the Canon.
+
+"Yes, dear old gentleman; does a lot for the poor--life devoted to
+them."
+
+"Dear me, does he? Now to my mind, judging from appearances, the Master
+of the Scalpers' Company seems more cut out for that kind of work."
+
+"Ha! ha! _He's_ better at curing hams than souls."
+
+"Well, I should not have thought so, merely judging character as an
+artist. Professor Snuffers seems to me also curiously unique. I know a
+good many Professors, but I never met one so anti-professional in
+appearance as that gentleman."
+
+[Illustration: ALDERMAN. IDEAL. REAL.]
+
+"Ah, Snuffers! Old friend of mine--where is he?"
+
+"There," and you point to the name on the plan and nod over to the other
+side of the table.
+
+"No, that's not Snuffers! I recollect now he told me he would not be
+able to come. That's Major Bangs, a guest asked to fill a vacant chair."
+
+Similarly you find that the eye-glass youth is _not_ Canon Dormouse, the
+clerical-looking gentleman _not_ the Master of the Scalpers' Company,
+and so on. Oh, they are a capital idea, those plans!
+
+On the occasion in question I met one of the Sheriffs of the City, who
+is also an Alderman--not a fat, apoplectic, greasy, vulgar Cr[oe]sus,
+but a handsome, thoughtful-looking gentleman, decidedly under fifty,
+who might be anything but an Alderman. But indeed the long-accepted type
+of an Alderman is exploded--such a type, bursting with good dinners,
+wealth and vulgarity, must explode--and the ph[oe]nix which has risen
+from his ashes would scarcely be recognised by the most liberal of
+naturalists as belonging to the same species. John Leech may have had
+living examples for his gross and repulsive monuments of gluttony; in my
+own experience, however, I find a gulf of great magnitude between the
+Alderman of caricature and the Alderman I have met in the flesh. The
+former has gone over to the majority of "four-bottle men" and other
+bygone phenomena.
+
+Well, let us return to the dinner. The fare is excellent, the company
+delightful, and I am just revelling in that beatific state of mind born
+of a sufficiency of the good things of this earth, when nothing seems to
+me more pleasant than a City dinner, when I am tapped upon the shoulder
+by the Toastmaster, who bears a warrant to consign me to misery. I have
+to make a speech. I have passed through the ordeal before, but I find
+that familiarity, as far as speech-making is concerned, breeds no
+contempt. Between the City and the art in which I am interested there
+exists no affinity, and this perhaps is a blessing in disguise, as for
+once in a way one is of necessity compelled to "sink the shop." However,
+it is soon over. A plunge, a gasp or two, a few quick strokes, and I am
+through the breakers and on the shore--I mean on my seat. That was years
+ago--I am an old hand now.
+
+I never could subscribe to that unwritten and unhonoured law which
+provides that an after-dinner speaker is entitled to five minutes in
+which to apologise for his incompetency in that capacity, and fifty-five
+minutes in which to speechify; and I have often wished that speechmakers
+one and all would recollect that a few words well-chosen and to the
+point, and a timely termination, are far more acceptable to the listener
+than all their maundering oratorical tours "from China to Peru," from
+the Mansion House to the moon. When I am going to a City dinner my own
+children show a lively interest to know the name of the Company, and if
+I name the Skinners' Guild their interest culminates in uproarious
+delight; but if I mention any other, most uncomplimentary groans greet
+the announcement, for the guests of the Company to which I refer can
+choose either to take or have sent to them a huge box of the choicest
+sweetmeats when the entertainment is over.
+
+[Illustration: J. WHISTLER, AFTER A CITY DINNER. (DRAWN WITH MY LEFT
+HAND.)]
+
+_A propos_ of this, I recollect an incident the mention of which will, I
+fear, send a cold shudder through any worshipper of "Nubian" nocturnes
+and incomprehensible "arrangements." On one occasion after leaving the
+banquet of this Guild I beheld Whistler--"Jimmy" of the snowy tuft, the
+martyred butterfly of the "peacock room"--to whose impressionable soul
+the very thought of a sugar-stick should be direst agony, actually
+making his way homewards hugging a great box of lollipops!
+
+[Illustration: AN ODD VOLUME.]
+
+I met a curious City man, not at a City dinner, but at "Ye Odd Volumes,"
+where we both happened to be guests. He was certainly an odd-looking
+guest, a very old volume out-of-date--odd-fashioned overcoat with gold
+buttons, an odd-fashioned "stock," and an odd-looking shirt. While
+waiting for dinner he looked at me oddly, and eventually addressed me in
+this odd way:
+
+"Sir, may I have the pleasure of exchanging names with you?"
+
+"Why, certainly; my name is Harry Furniss."
+
+"H'm, ha, eh, ha!" and he walked away.
+
+After dinner came the speeches. As each guest was called upon, my odd
+friend was to his evident chagrin not named; I noticed from time to time
+the old gentleman was elevated--sitting high. At last, after I had
+returned thanks for the visitors, he rose and asked to be allowed to
+speak. He said something nice about me--the reason he explained to me
+later. The burthen of his speech was a protest that he had not seen one
+odd volume that night. "If you've got 'em, produce 'em. Ah!" (snapping
+his fingers at the company in general) "I don't think you know what an
+odd volume is!" And then turning round he placed on the table a huge
+volume on which he had been sitting all through dinner.
+
+[Illustration: MY DESIGN FOR SETTE OF ODD VOLUMES. I WAS A GUEST.]
+
+"There," he said, "that's an odd volume if you like--that's something
+unique. It contains 9,987 hotel bills--a chronicle (of my hotel
+expenses) for two-thirds of the present century."
+
+Later he came round to me. He assured me that he didn't catch my name
+when he asked for it, but when I was speaking he recognised me and was
+glad to have the opportunity of making my acquaintance. It appeared he
+had bought many hundreds of "Romps" books for children and given them
+to Children's Hospitals and other institutions. So he had besides an
+odd volume a good heart--and what is more surprising, a watch in every
+pocket! Watch-collecting was his hobby, and, like a conjuror, he
+produced them from the most unexpected and mysterious places. One
+belonged to the Emperor Maximilian, and had in its case moving figures
+to strike the time. I confess I wished he had exchanged watches with me
+in place of names. His name, by the way, was Holborn; he was a
+well-known City tea-merchant.
+
+[Illustration: MY DESIGN (REDUCED) FOR THE DINNER OF YE RED LYON
+CLUBBE.]
+
+[Illustration: A DISTINGUISHED "LYON."]
+
+When I visited Leeds for the British Association Meeting, I was made a
+member of Ye Red Lyon Clubbe, a dining club which I understand meets
+once a year as a relief to the daily monotony of the serious business of
+the Association--in fact, "for one night only" the British Ass. assumes
+the Lion's skin. To see learned Professors who have been dilating for
+hours and days on the most abstruse scientific subjects, with the most
+solemn faces, amidst the dullest surroundings, suddenly appear wagging
+their dress-coat tails to represent the tail of the hungry lion, and
+emitting the most extraordinary mournful, growling sounds, the nearest
+approach at imitating the roar of the lion, and otherwise behaving like
+a lot of schoolboys on the night before the holidays, is certainly a
+scene not familiar to the thousands who belong to the British
+Association.
+
+Burlesque-scientific speeches are made after dinner, and although there
+are generally some practical jokes in chemical illustrations, the merry
+wits do not tamper with the dinner itself further than preparing a most
+excellent burlesque menu, which I take the liberty of here introducing:
+
+     JOURNAL
+     OF
+     SECTIONAL PROCEEDINGS.
+
+     Issued Tuesday Evening, September 9th, 1890, at 5.30 p.m.
+
+     SECTION A... _Hors d'Oeuvres_--Kinetic Vacua.
+
+     SECTION B... _Purée Pontoise_--Isomeric Naphthalene.
+                _Consommé à la Princesse_--Hydracid Halogen.
+
+     SECTION C... _Boiled Salmon_--Glacial Lepidodendron.
+                _Fried Smelts_--Horned Dinosaur.
+
+     SECTION D... _Kromesky à la Russe_--Androgynous Cones.
+                _Poulet Sauté à la Chasseur_--Chytridian Woronina.
+
+     SECTION E... _Braised Fillet of Beef_--Lobengula Lion.
+                _Roast Saddle of Mutton_--Native Kalahari.
+
+     SECTION F... _Grouse_--Statistics of Slaughter.
+                _Partridge_--Progressive Decimation.
+
+     SECTION G... [A]_Savarin à l'Abricot_--Diamagnetic amperes.
+                _Sicilian Cream_--A New Lubricant.
+                _Victoria Jelly_--High Carbon Slag.
+                _Maids of Honour_--Kinetic Leverage.
+                _Pastry_--Approaching the Elastic Limit.
+
+     SECTION H... _Ice Pudding_--Prognathous Brachycephaloid.
+                _Croûte d'Anchois_--Unidentified Origin.
+                _Dessert_--Prehistoric Jourouks.
+
+                                    H.B. ----, } Jackals.
+                                      W. ----, }
+
+[Footnote A: Should the discussion of these Papers interfere with the
+transactions of the other Sections, one or more will be taken as
+eaten.]
+
+[Illustration: The Pointed Beards]
+
+Somebody has said that an Englishman will find any excuse to give a
+dinner, but my experience has been that this is truer of Americans. I
+have been the guest of many extraordinary dining clubs, but as the most
+unique I select the Pointed Beards of New York. To club and dine
+together because one has hair cut in a particular way is the _raison
+d'être_ of the club; there is nothing heroic, nothing artistic or
+particularly intellectual. It is not even a club to discuss hirsute
+adornments; such a club might be made as interesting as any other,
+provided the members were clever.
+
+That most delightful of _littérateurs_, Mr. James Payn, once interested
+himself, and with his pen his readers, in that charming way of his, on
+the all-important question, "Where do shavers learn their business? Upon
+whom do they practise?" After most careful investigation he answers the
+question, "The neophytes try their prentice hands upon their fellow
+barbers." That may be the rule, but every rule has an exception, and I
+happened once to be the unfortunate layman when a budding and
+inexperienced barber practised his art upon me. I sat in the chair of a
+hairdresser's not a hundred miles from Regent Street. I had selected a
+highly respectable, thoroughly English establishment, as I was tired of
+being held by the nose by foreigners' fingers saturated with the
+nicotine of bad cigarettes. I entered gaily, and to my delight a
+fresh-looking British youth tied me up in the chair of torture, lathered
+my chin, and began operations. I was not aware of the fact that I was
+being made a chopping-block of until the youth, agitated and extremely
+nervous, produced a huge piece of lint and commenced dabbing patches of
+it upon my countenance. Then I looked at myself in the glass. Good
+heavens! Was I gazing upon myself, or was it some German student,
+lacerated and bleeding after a sanguinary duel? I stormed and raged, and
+called for the proprietor, who was gentle and sorry and apologetic, and
+explained to me that the boy must begin upon somebody, and I
+unfortunately was the first victim! I allow my beard to grow now.
+
+Otherwise I should not have been eligible for the New York Pointed
+Beards, for no qualification is necessary except that one wear a beard
+cut to a point.
+
+The tables were ornamented with lamps having shades cut to represent
+pointed beards. A toy goat, the emblem of the club, was the centre
+decoration. We had the "Head Barber," and, of course, any amount of soft
+soap. A leading Republican was in the barber's chair, and during dinner
+some sensation was caused by one of the guests being discovered wearing
+a false beard. He was immediately seized and ejected until after the
+dinner, when he returned with his music. It so happened we had present a
+member of the Italian Opera, with his beautiful pointed beard, and he
+had also a beautiful voice. But New York could not supply an accompanist
+with a pointed beard! So a false beard was preferred to false notes. The
+speeches were pointed, but not cut as short as the beard--rather too
+pointed and too long. It was just after the Bryan political crisis. The
+leading politician in the chair and one of the guests, a political
+leader writer, who had not met--not even at their barber's--since the
+election, had some electioneering dispute to settle. Americans, unlike
+us, drag politics into everything. Take away this peculiarity and you
+take away two-thirds of their excellent after-dinner speaking. The
+Pointed Beards may have something to do with the matter. The two lost
+their temper, and the evening was all but ruined thereby, when a happy
+thought struck me. Although as the guest of the evening I had spoken, I
+rose again to apologise for being an Englishman! I confessed that I had
+listened to the two speeches, but their brilliancy and wit were
+entirely lost upon me; the subtle humour of the American passed an
+Englishman's understanding. Their personalities and political passages
+were no doubt ingenious "bluff," but so cleverly serious and so well
+acted that I had for four-fifths of the acrimonious speeches been
+entirely taken in. At this all laughed loud at my stupidity, and the
+evening ended pleasantly.
+
+The secretary of this dinner, which was a most excellent one, was the
+celebrated Delmonico, but it was not held at his famous restaurant. To
+have been complete it ought really to have been held in a barber's shop,
+for some of those establishments in America are palatial, and even minor
+barbers' shops are utilised in a curious way. One Sunday afternoon as I
+was taking a walk I overheard some singing in a shop devoted to hair
+dressing, and looking in I saw an extraordinary sight. There were about
+a dozen old ladies seated in the barbers' chairs, with their backs to
+the looking-glasses and brushes, singing hymns. It was a meeting of the
+Plymouth Brethren, who hired the shop for their devotions!
+
+Of course at the Pointed Beards' dinner in New York we had oysters with
+beards--but no American dinner is complete without their famous oysters.
+Unfortunately I have to make the extraordinary confession that I never
+tasted an oyster in my life, and as I am touching upon gastronomy, I may
+also mention that I never touch cheese, or hare, or rabbit, or eel, and
+I would have to be in the last stage of starvation before I could eat
+cold lamb or cold veal; so it will be seen by these confessions that my
+cook's berth is not a sinecure, and that these complimentary dinners, as
+dinners, are to a great extent wasted upon me. I once, in fact, was
+asked to a dinner at a club, and I could not touch one single dish! But
+my friends kindly provided some impromptu dishes without cheese or
+oysters and other, to me, objectionable things. I was not so lucky in
+Baltimore. We all know Baltimore is celebrated for its oysters, and the
+night I arrived a dinner was given to me at the Baltimore Club, which
+opened as usual with dishes of magnificent oysters. The head waiter, a
+well-known figure, an old "darkie" with grey hair, placed a dish of
+oysters down before me with pride, and stood to watch my delight. I
+beckoned to him to take them away. He seized the dish and examined the
+oysters; got another dish, placed them before me. I again requested him
+to remove them. This happened a third time. I then told him plainly and
+emphatically that I did not eat oysters. By this time my host and his
+guests were at their third course, and I and the head waiter were still
+discussing oysters. My host did not notice this, as he was at the other
+end of the table, and there were many floral decorations between us; but
+I made bold to inform him of the fact that the waiter had not only taken
+away my plates but had removed my glasses, knives and forks, and left me
+with a bare cloth and no dinner. My host had to call the waiter out of
+the room and remonstrate with him, but it required some time and a great
+deal of persuasion before I, the guest of the evening, was allowed to
+begin my dinner when they were finishing theirs. It transpired that the
+humorous paper of Baltimore had published the impressions I would
+receive on visiting their great city, and prominently was a caricature
+of myself swallowing my first Baltimore oyster. This so interested the
+waiters of the club that they selected the largest for me, and were so
+disappointed at my refusing them that they punished me in the same way
+as Sancho Panza was punished before me.
+
+Perhaps the most extraordinary dinner I ever took part in was held in
+New York on November 3rd, 1896, when twelve leading Democrats and twelve
+Republicans sat down on the night of the most sensational election that
+has ever taken place in the United States. English readers will hardly
+realise what such a combination meant. The only parallel in this country
+was probably caused by Mr. Gladstone's Home Rule Bill, when leading
+Liberals and Conservatives stood on the same platform. But that was the
+result of a purely political question; political questions of that
+national character do not interest the better-class American. For
+instance, on my first visit to America I sat next to a very influential
+New Yorker at dinner. At that time also elections were pending, and I
+casually asked my acquaintance what he thought of the situation. He
+raised his eyebrows with great surprise and said:
+
+"Pardon me, sir, we take no interest in politics here; we leave that to
+our valets."
+
+I met that man the day of this dinner four years later. He was
+positively ill with excitement; he could talk of nothing but politics.
+Party emblems decorated his coat; every pocket was full of pamphlets--he
+had been working night and day to defeat Bryan. His valet, no doubt, was
+sleeping soundly the sleep of indifference--nothing to lose or nothing
+to gain should Bryan succeed. The silver scare of Bryan's touched the
+pockets, not the politics, of the prosperous; and that touch is the one
+touch that makes the whole American world kin.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It happened that I was dining at the house of the chairman of this
+unique dinner ten days before the election, and he was telling us of the
+coming election-night dinner as the most extraordinary in the history of
+their politics. To my surprise, days afterwards, I received an
+invitation. They all had to be consulted, and agreed that I was the only
+outsider they would allow to be present.
+
+The dinner was held in an hotel in the centre of New York, and special
+permission had been given to have the room next to the one in which we
+dined turned into a telegraph office, where all the messages going to
+the central office were tapped, and we knew the result in the room as
+soon as it was known at the central office. Perhaps I was the only one
+present thoroughly indifferent, and certainly the only one who enjoyed
+his dinner. Speeches were indulged in even earlier than usual, and one
+of them had the portentous title of "England" coupled with my name! I
+rose and said that I felt exactly like a man who had been invited to a
+country house, and on his arrival was met by his friend on the doorstep
+with a long face and a cold, nervous hand. He was glad to see you, but
+had sad news: his wife was lying between life and death, and the doctors
+were round her bedside. Now, under such circumstances, one does not
+exactly feel one can make one's self at home. I assured my listeners
+that at the moment the Republic was lying in a critical condition,
+doctors were at her bedside, and it would be settled before midnight
+whether she was to live or die. If they would allow me I would rise
+later, and I trusted then my friends would be in a more genial and less
+excited mood. I had the pleasure of continuing my speech late that
+night, and congratulating them on the Republic having survived the Bryan
+crisis.
+
+To describe the scenes after dinner when the results were announced, if
+I had a pen capable of so doing, would simply dub me in the minds of
+many readers as a second de Rougemont.
+
+Late that night I reached the waterside. The North River was ablaze with
+red and blue lights, and rockets shot into the darkness from either
+shore. Every ferry-boat, tug-boat, scow, or barge in the harbour passed
+in an endless procession. The air quivered with the bellowings of
+fog-horns, steam whistles, and sirens. It was indescribable; language
+fails me. I can only quote the words of the New York paper with "the
+largest circulation in the world": "The wind-whipped waters of river and
+harbour glowed last night with the reflection of a myriad lights set
+aflame for the glory of the new sound and golden dollar. East and west,
+north and south, dazzling streams of fire played in fantastic curves
+across the heavens, and beneath this canopy of streaming flame moved a
+mammoth fleet of steam craft, great and small."
+
+As I laid my aching head on my pillow I murmured: "Had I been an
+American citizen, much as I believe in sound currency and an honest
+dollar, one more rocket, a few more fog-horns, and I should have cast my
+vote for Bryan and Free Silver!"
+
+[Illustration: A SKETCH OF BOULANGER.]
+
+At this dinner I contrasted the look of anxiety with the callous
+indifference of a face I had watched under similar but still more unique
+circumstances a few years before: the face of the chief of French
+_poseurs_--General Boulanger--whom I was asked to meet at dinner in
+London. It happened to be the night the result of his defeat at the
+polls was made known. He sat, the one man out of the score-and-five
+concerned; but as telegrams were handed to him, of defeat, not success,
+he never showed any signs of interest.
+
+A few years afterwards, when on tour with my lecture-entertainments, I
+"put in" a week in the Channel Islands, under the management of a
+gentleman who had been intimately acquainted with Boulanger when he was
+a political recluse in Jersey; and one afternoon he drove me to the
+charming villa the General had occupied, situated in an ideal spot on
+the coast. The villa was most solidly built, and of picturesque
+architecture--the freak of a rich Parisian merchant, who had spared no
+pains or money over it. The work both inside and out was that of the
+best artists Paris could supply. It was magnificently furnished--a
+museum of beautiful objects, and curious ones, too. One bedroom was a
+model of an officer's apartments on board a man-of-war, even to the
+water (painted) splashing through a porthole. Another bedroom was a
+replica of an officer's tent. These were designed and furnished for the
+sons of the Parisian merchant, who for some domestic reason never went
+near his _petite_ palace. He lent it to Boulanger, and there he lived
+the life of an exiled monarch. The place has never been touched since he
+walked out of it. In the stateroom, in which he received political
+deputations of his supporters from France, the chairs were arranged in a
+semi-circle round the table at which he sat when he received the last
+one. On the blotter was his speech, and a sheet of paper on which was
+written the address of the retreat. This was given to me, and here I
+reproduce it:--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We had coffee on the balcony, served out of china which had on it his
+monogram, and silver spoons with his crest. I did not pocket the
+spoons, nor the powder-puff of Madame, and other relics lying about; the
+rooms remained as they were left, even to gowns in the wardrobe. The
+delightful garden, cut out of the rocks, had run wild. The grapes hung
+in clusters, the flowers were one mass of colour, the paths were covered
+with grass. Below stood the summer-house where Madame drank her tea. In
+one corner on a wall was a small target with revolver bullet marks all
+over it, the result of the General's practice, when possibly he used the
+same revolver which he turned upon himself at the tomb of Madame de
+Bonnemain, in the cemetery at Ixelles, Brussels.
+
+[Illustration: A NOTE ON MY MENU.]
+
+It would be impossible for me in a short chapter to deal with all the
+interesting dinners and other entertainments I have attended; but I must
+confess that I was immensely flattered by a lunch given to me in
+Washington by the Rev. Dr. Wesley R. Davis, the well-known Albany
+preacher, who had retired from the pulpit and become an official of the
+Postal Department in Washington.
+
+The novelty of this lunch was the idea of the chairman to sandwich each
+course with a story. We began with some very fine and large Lynhaven
+oysters. We English, with one exception, have no appreciation of the
+size of these huge American oysters. That one exception was Thackeray.
+And I may safely say that I never sat down to a meal in America and
+expressed my surprise at the size of the oysters (which I purposely did)
+but that someone told me what Thackeray said of them. On this occasion I
+was told the story by none other than General Horace Porter, one of the
+best if not the greatest of all _raconteurs_ in the United States. Here
+it is:
+
+"You know what Thackeray said when he first saw one of our
+oysters,--that he felt in eating it he was swallowing a new-born baby."
+
+[Illustration: REMARKABLE AND MUCH TALKED OF LUNCH TO ME AT WASHINGTON.
+THE AUTOGRAPHS ON BACK OF MENU.]
+
+After the green turtle Mr. Willard, the well-known actor, was called
+upon, and related a brace of capital theatrical stories.
+
+After Carolina shad and _pommes Parisienne_ I was called to my legs. Now
+there is nothing so depressing as telling stories or making speeches at
+two o'clock in the afternoon. General Porter remarked that he could
+never tell a story till after eleven o'clock at night. He managed,
+however, to tell several of his best on this occasion. As the gallant
+General will tell them again, and I trust many times, I shall not
+publish them here. Mine are not worth repeating. As I said, I felt at
+the moment something like a well-known literary celebrity distinguished
+for his capital Scotch tales and his conversational brevity. He was
+invited to meet the late James Payn, who had expressed such a strong
+desire to make his acquaintance that he agreed to dine at the Reform
+Club (which he had not done for a considerable time), and this was only
+arranged by their giving him the same waiter and allowing him to sit at
+the same table he was in the habit of having at lunch every day. The
+others were Sir Wemyss Reid and Sir John Robinson, of the _Daily News_.
+The four enjoyed a capital dinner. Payn, Sir Wemyss and Sir John were at
+their best, but the guest never made a remark. However, towards the end
+of the dinner, he put his knife and fork down, looked round, and said,
+"This is the very first time in my life I have sat down with three
+editors." This was all his conversation.
+
+I was referring to the fact that brevity is the soul of wit, and that
+the Scotch author's remark about the three editors expressed my fear in
+addressing so many members of the Government as were present.
+
+Then came the pheasant, and before we had quite relished the excellence
+of the celery salad that favourite American comedian, W. H. Crane, mixed
+a salad of stories which were highly relished. I shall pass over his
+theatrical stories and select two which followed, and which are so
+typical of American humour, that I give them in full.
+
+A poor man on tramp in the country one fine July day staggered in an
+exhausted state into the garden of a rich old lady, and falling on his
+hands and knees on the grass plot at the feet of the lady, pulled
+himself along biting at the grass like a half-starved animal.
+
+"My good man," the lady said, "why do you eat the grass in that way? Are
+you really so hungry?"
+
+"Madam," cried the man, looking up, "I am starving!"
+
+"Poor man, poor man!" remarked the lady, with a look of pity. "My eyes
+fill with tears--my heart bleeds for you. Go round to the kitchen door,
+go round to the kitchen door, the grass is longer there!"
+
+The other referred to the darkie railway hand who had by degrees worked
+into a position at the depot (pronounced day-po, de-pot or de-poo),
+where he strutted about in a costume embellished with gold lace. An
+English tourist (oh, those poor fools--English tourists!) was standing
+by the rails as an express train flew past at ninety miles an
+hour--s-c-h-w-r-r-r-r! and in a second was lost to sight.
+
+"Ah!" remarked the English tourist to the gentleman of colour. "The--ah,
+train--ah, didn't--ah, stop--ah, here--ah!"
+
+"No sir, nebber eben hesitated!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+On May the 17th, 1888, I gave a dinner at the Garrick Club to my
+fellow-workers on _Punch_, and others,--a merry meeting of twenty-four.
+Mr. F. C. Burnand was at the other end of the table, and as the _soufflé
+glacé aux fleurs d'oranges_ heralded the near approach of the end of the
+dinner I noticed a mischievous look in Burnand's eyes, and it struck me
+he intended to make a speech! As there was no "object" in my giving the
+dinner except a purely social one,--in fact to reciprocate the
+hospitality of some present whom I could not ask to my house in
+consequence of my wife's long illness,--I naturally felt extremely
+anxious when I saw that Mr. Burnand intended introducing speeches. I had
+sent a message to him that I wished for none. My evening would be spoilt
+by speeches, and even the witticisms of Burnand could not save it--yet
+he was incorrigible. I must pay him back! A happy thought struck me as
+he was speaking. I sent for note-paper. I, unobserved, tore it into
+strips and slipped the pieces into my breast-pocket. When I rose I acted
+being extremely nervous, assured my friends that I had implored the
+"Vice" not to introduce speeches, and with (true) feeling implored them
+not to credit the "chicken and champagne" the "Vice" had more than
+hinted at, and of course said I was unaccustomed to speaking, etc. I
+then fumbled about my pockets, and nervously produced my "notes,"
+carefully laying them out in a long column in front of me. My guests
+looked with pity upon me, and their dismay was evident when I began as
+follows: "I was born--I was born--in 1854. I--I----" (break down). Note
+No. 2. "I came to London--I came to London----"
+
+"Hear, hear," murmured the sufferers.
+
+Another collapse,--I sought other "notes." "Art--art--Greek art----"
+
+"Hear, hear, ha, ha!" (They were beginning to guy me!)
+
+"_Punch_----" (another painful pause). "Gentlemen, _Punch_----"
+
+"Yes, yes, we know all about that!"
+
+"Yes," I said, "but, gentlemen, before that toast is honoured I beg to
+propose to you a toast. The toast, always the _premier_ toast in every
+gathering composed of English gentlemen." The joke was then mine. In the
+most perfunctory and glib manner I gave the Royal Toast. After it was
+duly honoured I gave the second Loyal Toast, "The House of Lords," "The
+Houses of Parliament," "The Army, Navy and Reserve Forces,"--each time
+calling upon some one or two to respond. The reply for "The Navy," I
+recollect, fell to Sir Spencer Wells, who was originally in the Navy.
+(The Army had a legitimate representative.) We had Law, Art, Letters,
+Music, the Medical Profession, Commerce, the Colonies, America
+(responded to by E. A. Abbey)--in fact we had no fewer than twenty-four
+toasts; twenty-four or more replies. But this was only the first round!
+I was determined to keep the speeches going and not to let Burnand say
+another word. So I passed him over, and ignoring his appeals from the
+chair, I got through--or very nearly through--another score of speeches,
+reinforced by Toole and others coming in after the theatres, until the
+closure was moved and the meeting adjourned.
+
+Burnand and I rode to Mill Hill and back the next morning, and he had to
+admit I had utterly routed him. The victory was mine!
+
+To keep up the flow of oratory in the second series of speeches I had to
+call upon my guests to speak to a different toast from the one they
+replied to earlier. This added to the fun. But the best-regulated
+humour, such as Burnand's introductory speech, often gives a false
+impression. For instance, I actually managed to get Charles Keene on to
+his legs,--I think I am right in saying the only occasion on which he
+ever spoke. I coupled his name with "Open Spaces" (Sir Robert Hunter,
+the champion of "open spaces," had responded the first time). It struck
+me that I was paying Keene a compliment when I referred to his
+marvellous talent in depicting commons and fields and vast spaces in his
+unequalled drawings of landscapes.
+
+"Umph! Furniss, I see, chaffs me about leaving so much white in my
+work--not filled up with little figures like his."
+
+And I do not think he ever understood I intended to compliment him.
+
+Towards the end I received a memorandum in pencil on a soiled piece of
+paper:
+
+[Illustration]
+
+And he walked in--dear old Toole in an old coat.
+
+I have given many another sociable dinner, but none with greater success
+than this at which I turned Burnand's accidentally unhappy speech into a
+Happy Thought.
+
+When I was offered the chairmanship of the dinner of the London Thirteen
+Club, it was with a light heart that I accepted. I was under the
+impression that the dinner was to be a private kind of affair--a small
+knot of men endowed with common sense meeting to express their contempt
+for ignorant and harmful superstition. I had already had the honour of
+being elected an honorary member of the Club, but somehow or other I had
+never attended any of its gatherings, nor had I met with one of its
+members.
+
+[Illustration: THIRTEEN CLUB BANQUET. THE TABLE DECORATIONS.]
+
+When the time came, it was with a heavy heart that I fulfilled my
+promise. This Thirteen Club idea, which hails from America, had in the
+meantime been "boomed," as our cousins across the Herring Pond would put
+it, into an affair of great magnitude. It was taken up by the Press, and
+paragraphs, leaderettes and leaders appeared in nearly every journal all
+over the country. This is the style of paragraph I received through a
+Press cutting agency from numberless papers:--
+
+"Mr. W. H. Blanch, who has been elected President of the London Thirteen
+Club for the year 1894, is the promoter of an organised protest against
+the popular superstition which led to the formation of the Thirteen Club
+four years ago. In his new position as President, Mr. Blanch has
+evidently resolved upon a more vigorous and aggressive campaign than
+that which has hitherto characterised the operations of the Club, for
+the New Year's dinner which is announced to take place on Saturday, the
+13th of January, promises to be something altogether unique as a social
+gathering. Mr. Harry Furniss, one of the hon. members of the Club, will
+preside at this dinner, which is announced to take place at the Holborn
+Restaurant, and in room No. 13. The members and their friends will
+occupy 13 tables, with of course 13 at each table, and perhaps needless
+to say peacock feathers will abound, whilst the knives and forks will be
+crossed, and any quantity of salt will be split. During the evening the
+toastmaster on this somewhat memorable occasion, instead of informing
+the assembled company that the Chairman will be happy to take wine with
+them, will vary this stereotyped declaration by announcing that the
+Chairman will be happy to spill salt with them. The Club salt-cellars,
+it is stated, are coffin-shaped, whilst the best 'dim religious light'
+obtainable from skull-shaped lamps will light up the banqueting-hall,
+before entering which the company will pass under the Club ladder. Other
+details too gruesome to mention will perhaps only be revealed to the
+company who will sit down to this weird feast, which promises to make a
+record, nothing of the kind having yet been attempted in London."
+
+[Illustration: MR. W. H. BLANCH.]
+
+These paragraphs rather frightened me. What had I let myself in for?
+Where would it all end?
+
+Then other notices, inspired no doubt by the President, made their
+appearance from time to time, and heaped upon my devoted head all manner
+of responsibilities. Waiters suffering from obliquity of vision were to
+be sought out and fastened on to me:
+
+"The Secretary of the London Thirteen Club has requested the manager of
+the Holborn Restaurant to provide, if possible, cross-eyed waiters on
+the occasion of the New Year's dinner of the Club over which Mr. Harry
+Furniss is announced to preside on the 13th inst. Mr. Hamp, the manager,
+while undertaking that the Chairman's table shall be waitered as
+requested, has grave doubts whether the supply of waiters blessed in the
+way described will be equal to the large demand so suddenly sprung upon
+him."
+
+[Illustration: THE BROKEN LOOKING-GLASS.]
+
+[Illustration: THE BADGE.]
+
+Other dreadful proposals there were, too, "too gruesome to mention." I
+may at once frankly admit that I do not like the introduction of the
+"gruesome" graveyard element. The ladder we all had to walk under, the
+peacock's feathers, the black cat, the spilling of salt, breaking of
+mirrors, presenting of knives, wearing of green ties (not that I wore
+one--the colour doesn't suit my complexion) or opal rings, are fair fun,
+and I think that in future it would be as well to limit the satire to
+these ceremonies, to the exclusion of the funereal part of the business.
+For badges each wore in his button-hole a small coffin to which dangled
+a skeleton, and peacock's feathers. In my opinion the peacock's feathers
+would have been sufficient for the purpose of the Club: the only object
+I had in going to the dinner was to help to prove that these stupid
+superstitions should be killed by ridicule. I detest Humbug, and
+Superstition is but another name for Humbug. I am a believer in
+cremation, but that is no reason why I should hold up to ridicule the
+clumsier and more unhealthy churchyard burials about which so much
+sentiment exists.
+
+It was amusing to note my absent superstitious friends' excuses for
+their non-appearance. One declined because he had an important
+engagement that he could not possibly put off on any account. Late on
+the evening of the dinner I heard this same gentleman grumbling because
+no one had turned up at his club to play a game of billiards with him!
+Another had fallen asleep and did not wake in time, and a third had been
+unlucky with his speculations of late, which he attributed to having
+seen the new moon through glass, and therefore he declined to tempt the
+fates further. Mr. George R. Sims, the well-known "Dagonet," betrayed
+sheer fright, as the following letter will testify:
+
+     "MY DEAR SIR,--At the last moment my courage fails me, and I return
+     the dinner ticket you have so kindly sent me.
+
+     "If I had only myself to think of, I would gladly come and defy the
+     fates, and do all that the members are pleased to do except wear
+     the green necktie suggested by my friend Mr. Sala (that would not
+     suit my complexion). But I have others to think of--dogs and cats
+     and horses--who if anything happened to me would be alone in the
+     world.
+
+     "For their sakes I must not run the risks that a faithful carrying
+     out of your programme implies.
+
+     "Trusting that nothing very terrible will happen to any of you in
+     after life,
+
+                                "Believe me,
+                                     "Sincerely yours,
+                                           "(Signed) GEO. R. SIMS."
+
+I confess my real and only reason was to protest. In England
+superstition is harmlessly idiotic, but elsewhere it is cruel and
+brutal, and a committee should be formed to try the lunatics--everyday
+men of the world--who suffer from it, for there is no doubt that they
+and their families are made miserable through superstitious belief.
+Nothing kills like ridicule, and it is the Club's object by this means
+to kill superstition. Some, like Mr. Andrew Lang, may think it a pity
+to interfere with this humbug, but I venture to think it is a charity
+when one considers the absurdity of educated men of the present day
+making themselves unhappy through the stupid nonsense of the dark ages.
+For instance, take two of my most intimate friends. One in particular
+suffered in mind and body through having a supposed fatal number. This
+number was 56, and as he approached that age he felt that that year
+would be his last. Fancy that for a man of the world, who is also a
+public man, and a member of the Government at the time of the dinner! He
+was also a charming companion and a delightful friend, and no man I knew
+had a wider circle of acquaintance. I happened to accompany him in a six
+weeks' tour on the Continent during the year he believed fatal to him,
+or perhaps it may have been the year previous; anyway, he was suffering
+from that horrible complaint, superstition. He first made me aware of it
+the night we arrived in Paris by thumping at my door in a terrible state
+to implore me to change rooms with him--his number was 56, and it
+terrified him! Next day we travelled in a carriage numbered 56, and my
+friend was miserable. At the theatre his seat was 56, the ticket for his
+coat was 56, 56 was the number of the first shop he entered to buy some
+trifle I suggested to him. Indeed, I may at once confess that I took
+care that 56 should crop up as often as possible, as I thought that that
+would be the best way to cure the patient. Not a bit of it; he got
+worse, and was really ill until his 56th birthday was passed.
+
+[Illustration: SQUINT-EYED WAITER.]
+
+To take the chair at this "most unique" banquet, as the papers styled
+it, was no easy task, and to be waited upon by cross-eyed menials was
+quite enough to make a sensitive, imitative being like myself very
+nervous. Some of this band of gentlemen who had neglected to go to the
+Ophthalmic Hospital seemed to consider that their being bought up for
+the occasion was a great honour, and one youth in particular, with black
+hair, a large sharp nose--and oh! such a squint!--whose duty it was to
+open the door of the reception-room, at which I stood to receive the
+guests as they arrived, was positively proud of his unfortunate
+disfigurement, and every time he opened the door he flashed his weirdly
+set eyes upon me to such an extent that I felt myself unintentionally
+squinting at every guest I shook hands with.
+
+When dinner was served a huge looking-glass was flung at my feet, where
+it shattered into a thousand fragments with a tremendous crash, giving
+one a shock so far removed from any superstitious feeling as to act on
+one as an appetiser before dinner.
+
+Then whilst everybody else is enjoying his dinner without let or
+hindrance, the poor Chairman has to hold himself prepared for various
+surprises. Telegrams of all sorts and descriptions were handed to me.
+
+But perhaps the most interesting of all the postal and telegraph
+deliveries brought me during the dinner was a letter from my old and
+valued friend "'Arry" of _Punch_, who had accepted an invitation, and
+was to have proposed the health of the Chairman, but unfortunately was
+laid up with a sore throat:
+
+     "Try and make my kind and would-be hosts understand that as 'Arry
+     would say, there is 'no kid about this.' I enclose a few doggerel
+     verses penned painfully on a pad perched on a pillow, which--if you
+     can read 'em--you are welcome to do so.
+
+       "My elbow's sore
+       And so no more
+       At present, from yore
+       Old friend (and bore)
+
+                  "E. J. MILLIKEN."
+
+Here is the "painfully-penned" doggerel:--
+
+                                          "13 _Jany._, 1894.
+
+  "THE LOST (VOCAL) CHORDS.
+
+  "Lying to-day on my pillow, I am weary and ill at ease,
+  And the Gargles fail to soothe me,
+  And the Inhalations tease. I know not what is the matter;
+  To swallow is perfect pain,
+  And my Vocal Chords seem palsied!--
+  Shall I ever use them again?
+
+  "So I _can't_ propose your health, friend,
+  Or drink to the 'Thirteen's' luck.
+ _I_ must dine on--Eucalyptus,
+  And Sulphur, or some such muck.
+ _I_ have no Salt to be spilling;
+ _My_ only knife is a spoon;
+  And I have not the smallest notion
+  If there is, or isn't, a Moon!
+
+  "But I picture you on your legs, there,
+  And the 'Thirteens' ranged around;
+  And I feel I _could_ sound your praises,
+  If these Vocal Chords _would_ sound.
+  But I know that in guttural gurgling
+  The point of my jokes you would miss;
+  If I tried to lead the cheers, friend,
+ _My_ 'hooray' you'd take for a hiss.
+
+  "So 'tis just as well as it is, friend,
+  And doubtless 'the other chap'
+  Will do you the fullest justice;
+  So I'll turn and try for a nap.
+  But before I resume my gargle,
+  And my throttle with unguents rub,
+  I'll drink--in a glass of Thirteen port--
+  To the health of the 'Thirteen Club.'
+
+  "It may be that some bright Thirteenth
+  They may ask me to Dinner again;
+  It may be I then shall be able
+  To speak without perfect pain.
+  It may be my unstrung larynx
+  May speak once again _with words_:
+  For the present, excuse me--along of
+  My poor Lost (Vocal) Chords!!!"
+
+I was relieved and amused to find one present even a little more
+embarrassed than myself. He was a rotund, happy-looking man of the
+world, and he had to sit isolated during part of the dinner, as his
+guests were afraid to attend the uncanny banquet. However, the
+Secretary, being a man of resource, ordered two of the cross-eyed
+attendants to fill the vacant places. I shall never forget the face of
+the poor man sandwiched between them. During the course of the dinner
+the black-edged business card of an "Undertaker and Funeral Furnisher,"
+of Theobald's Road, Bloomsbury, was brought to me. Under the impression
+that he had supplied the coffin-shaped salt-cellars, and wished to be
+paid for them, I sent to enquire his business, whereupon the undertaker
+sent me in the following telegram he had just received from Cambridge:
+
+     "Call upon Harry Furniss this evening Holborn Restaurant Thirteen
+     Club Dinner for orders _re_ funeral arrangements."
+
+[Illustration: COFFINS, SIR!]
+
+The receiver of the telegram, I learnt from his card, had been in
+business fifty-four years, but evidently this was the first time he had
+been the victim of this Theodore Hookish joke. I called the funeral
+furnisher in. Unobserved by the green-tied guests and the cross-eyed
+waiters, he walked through the banqueting hall, and as soon as he
+arrived at the chair, black-gloved, hat in hand, with the ominous foot
+rule projecting from the pocket of his funereal overcoat, I stood up and
+introduced him to the company, read the telegram, and invited him to go
+round the tables and take the orders. Whether it was that the man of
+coffins met the gaze of any particularly cross-eyed waiter, or was
+overcome by the laughter called forth by my solemn request--an outbreak
+foreign to the ears of a gentleman of his calling--I know not, but he
+promptly vanished. Later in the evening a request came from him for a
+present of one of the coffin-shaped salt-cellars, and no doubt the one I
+sent him will adorn his window for another fifty-four years, to the
+delight of the Cambridge undergraduates whose little joke was so
+successful.
+
+[Illustration: THE CHAIRMAN WILL BE PLEASED TO SPILL SALT WITH YOU.
+_From the "St. James's Budget."_]
+
+In place of the old-fashioned formula, "The Chairman will be pleased to
+drink wine with the gentlemen on his right," and then on his left, the
+Toastmaster had to announce that the Chairman would be pleased to "spill
+salt" with those on his right, etc.; but force of habit was too strong,
+and "drink wine" came out, and although this was corrected, it was
+strange that in some cases the guests held up their glasses and did not
+spill salt. Of course, throwing salt over the shoulder was prohibited;
+that superstitious operation would have been sufficient to disqualify
+any member.
+
+Beside each member was placed a looking-glass, and in the course of the
+evening it went forth that "The Chairman will be pleased to shiver
+looking-glasses with the members," and smash! smash! went the
+mercury-coated glass all over the tables.
+
+It then fell to me to present each of the thirteen chairmen with a
+pen-knife, refusing of course the customary coin in return. I was
+presented with a ferocious-looking knife, with a multiplicity of blades
+and other adjuncts, which I treasure as a memento of the dinner.
+
+[Illustration: A KNIFE I WAS PRESENTED WITH.]
+
+These are a few trifles I had to deal with in addition to the usual
+toasts, and I fervently trust it may never again be my lot to be called
+upon to take the chair at a "unique banquet" entailing such surprises
+and shocks and so many speeches:
+
+I proposed the loyal toast as follows:--
+
+     The
+     Queen
+     Prince
+     and
+     Princess
+     of
+     Wales
+     and
+     rest
+     of
+     the
+     Royal
+     Family
+     13
+
+I had a point to make, but forgot it (oh, those squinting waiters!),
+showing that 1894 was a very unlucky year. However, any mathematician
+could prove that '94 = 9 + 4 = 13. _Q.E.D._ I might also have really
+utilised only thirteen words in giving the toast of the evening, as
+follows:
+
+     Enemies
+     of
+     Superstition
+     Ignorance
+     and
+     Humbug
+     drink
+     success
+     to
+     The
+     London
+     Thirteen
+     Club
+     -------
+     13
+     -------
+     -------
+
+On my way to the Thirteen Club Dinner I met a well-known _Punch_ artist,
+also a keen man of the world. I invited him. He started with horror.
+"Not for worlds! I _am_ superstitious--never more so than at this
+moment. Why, do you know that this has been a most unlucky month with
+me? Everything has gone wrong, and I'll tell you why. The other night I
+woke up and went to my bedroom window to see what kind of a night it
+was--rash, stupid fool that I was! What do you think I saw?" "A
+burglar?" "Not a bit of it--I wouldn't have cared a pin for a brace of
+'em. I saw the new moon through glass! That's why everything's gone
+wrong with me. What a fool I was!" "What a fool you _are_!" I
+ejaculated, as I jumped into a hansom for room 13, recalling to mind
+that my fellow-worker was not the only humorist who has been
+superstitious.
+
+Albert Smith, the well-known author and entertainer, was very
+superstitious, and a curious incident has been related me by a friend
+who was present one night when Smith startled his friends by a most
+extraordinary instance of his fear of the supernatural. It was in the
+smoking-room of the old Fielding Club, on New Year's Eve, 1854. The
+bells were just ringing in the New Year when Smith suddenly started up
+and cried, "We are thirteen! Ring, ring for a waiter, or some of us will
+die before the year is out!" Before the attendant arrived the fatal New
+Year came in, and Smith's cup of bitterness was full to overflowing. Out
+of curiosity my friend wrote the names of all those present in his
+pocket-book. Half of them were ordered to the Crimean War, and fought
+throughout the campaign. No doubt Smith eagerly scanned the lists of
+killed and wounded in the papers, for as the waiter did not arrive in
+time to break the unlucky number, one of them was sure to meet his
+death. However, all the officers returned safe and sound, and most of
+them are alive now. The first man to depart this life was Albert Smith
+himself, and this did not happen until six and a half years afterwards.
+
+Correspondence from the superstitious and anti-superstitious poured in
+upon me. But I select a note received by the President some time before
+the dinner as the most interesting:
+
+     "CHRISTIANIA, NORWAY.
+
+     "SIR,--I see you are going to have an anniversary dinner on the
+     13th of this month, and I take the liberty to send you the
+     following:
+
+     "In 1873, March 20th, I left Liverpool in the steamship _Atlantic_,
+     then bound for New York. On the 13th day, the 1st of April, we went
+     on the rocks near Halifax, Nova Scotia. Out of nearly 1,000 human
+     beings, 580 were frozen to death or drowned.
+
+     "The first day out from Liverpool some ladies at my table
+     discovered that we were thirteen, and in their consternation
+     requested their gentleman-companion to move to another table. Out
+     of the entire thirteen, I was the only one that was saved. I was
+     asked at the time if I did not believe in the unlucky number
+     thirteen. I told them I did not. In this case the believers were
+     all lost and the unbeliever saved.
+
+     "Out of the first-cabin passengers saved, I was one of the thirteen
+     saved.
+
+     "At the North-Western Hotel, in Liverpool, there can be found
+     thirteen names in the book of passengers that left in the
+     _Atlantic_ on the 20th of March, 1873, for New York; amongst them
+     my own. Every one of those passengers except myself were lost.
+
+     "Now, if these memorandums about the number thirteen--by one that
+     does not believe in it--is of any interest to you, it will please
+     me very much.
+
+                          "I am, yours very truly,
+                                        "N. BRANDT.
+                                            "9, KONGENS GADE."
+
+It is absurd to say that I have been unlucky since presiding at that
+dinner. On the contrary, I have been most lucky--I have never presided
+at another!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF AN EDITOR.
+
+     Editors--Publishers--An Offer--Why I Refused it--The _Pall Mall
+     Budget_--_Lika Joko_--The _New Budget_--The Truth about my
+     Enterprises--_Au Revoir_!
+
+
+Only the fortunate--or should we not rather say the unfortunate?--man
+who has made up his mind to produce a journal of his own can have the
+very faintest conception of the work and worry, the pains and penalties,
+the hopes and fears, the anxiety and exasperation, involved in the
+process. I have gone through it all, and perhaps something more than all
+by comparison with other people in the same peculiar predicament. For
+weeks before the promised periodical sees the light the unfortunate
+proprietor feels himself to be a very Atlas supporting Heaven knows how
+many cosmic schemes.
+
+The first editor of my acquaintance was a little boy in knickerbockers,
+with a lavish profusion of auburn locks, an old-fashioned physiognomy, a
+wiry if diminutive frame, and a quick, nervous temperament, whose
+youthful eyes had beheld the suns of fourteen summers.
+
+My last editor is one whose physique would be commonly qualified by the
+adjective _podgy_, of a full face, but with head somewhat depleted of
+its capillary adornments, for which deprivation it has to thank the
+snows of six-and-forty winters.
+
+Our intimacy has been of long standing, for my first and last editor is
+one and the same being--the present writer.
+
+From the day that I, as a little schoolboy, seated on the uncompromising
+school-form looked upon as a necessary adjunct to the inception of
+knowledge, produced in MS. and for private circulation only my first
+journalistic attempt, up to the present moment, I can confidently assert
+that during my varied experience I never was brought into contact with
+a more interesting set of men than those I have seen stretched upon the
+editorial rack.
+
+The primary requirements which tend to make up the composition of an
+editor are good health, an impenetrably thick skin, and the best of
+humour. Secondly, he must be able to command experience, a thirst for
+work, and the power of application; and, thirdly, he must possess tact
+and discretion. A universal and comprehensive knowledge of human nature
+must also be his, for not only has he to be capable of judging and
+humouring the overstrung men and women of talent with whom he
+deals--those fragile, sensitive flowers from whom he extracts the honey
+wherewith to gratify the palate of a journalistically epicurean
+public--but he must also have a thorough knowledge of that public to
+enable him to direct those who work for him, for they, shut up in their
+studies and studios, may not realise that the man at the look-out has to
+weather the storms of public opinion, of which they reck little if it be
+that what they work at may be to their own liking, albeit unpalatable to
+those whom they seek to feed.
+
+Like poets, editors are born, not made. An editor may make a paper, but
+a paper never made an editor. But as to the commercial success or
+failure of a periodical, the editor is absolutely a nonentity. There are
+two sides to the production of a periodical: one is the business side,
+the other the editorial. The success or failure of a periodical depends
+almost entirely upon the business manager.
+
+One of the youngest and most successful newspaper proprietors once
+called me a fool. I wrote and asked him why. We had an interview. He
+said frankly: "You are a fool, in my opinion, for producing too good an
+article for the money. The public does not appreciate good work, and you
+will never make a commercial success of your paper. Your staff is too
+good; your printing is too good; your paper is too good. I am a success
+because I know where to buy paper cheap and sell it for a profit. I have
+thirty publications, but their names, their contents, writing, or art I
+never think about, nor does the public either. We ink something on the
+paper, and sell it at so much a pound profit."
+
+But I had nothing whatever to do with the commercial side of the
+arrangements connected with ventures associated with my name. Ah! how
+little the public know what goes on behind the scenes in the newspaper
+world! If you stop a publication with which your name is associated,
+everyone at once, very properly, dubs you a failure. As what? An editor,
+of course. That is the mistake, the injustice. How many periodicals have
+the most talked of publishers started and stopped? Scores of them. Yet
+are they therefore failures? No, no more than the manager of a theatre
+is who produces a piece which runs a night or two and comes off. He
+still has his theatre, and other plays. So is it in the publishing
+world.
+
+It is the isolated editor, without the machinery of a big office, or the
+head of the man of commerce,--if he stops, from whatever cause, his one
+effort is the failure! The "successful publisher" stops a dozen new
+ventures in the same time, and he is still considered successful. A
+publisher is very much like a conjuror: he must start two or three
+tricks, so that if one is likely to go wrong he can draw the attention
+of the public off it by another, and the first is quickly dropped or
+reintroduced under another name. My one mistake in publishing was that
+having started a success, _Lika Joko_, I let it drop to take up another.
+But let my confessions on this subject be brief and in order.
+
+Before I had any notion of leaving _Punch_ I had conceived an idea for a
+monthly magazine to be called _Lika Joko; Harry Furniss's Monthly_, and
+had already had a number of drawings engraved, specimen copies printed,
+and had gone to great expense in the preliminary work. Of course, the
+_Punch_ men were to be the chief contributors, and Mr. E.J. Milliken was
+writing a great deal, and Mr. Bernard Partridge was illustrating for me.
+Shortly afterwards I retired from the staff of _Punch_. I was then
+approached by the proprietors of an influential daily and weekly paper
+to edit a sixpenny high-class weekly, and they offered to put down
+£50,000 at once. This I would have willingly accepted, but it so
+happened that just at that time Mr. Astor reconstructed the _Pall Mall
+Budget_, regardless of expense--an extravagance with which no other
+paper could compete. In these circumstances I declined the offer. I soon
+found many friends to support me if I would start a paper connected
+solely with my name, but wishing to have the largest risk myself I took
+the largest share (over £5,000 in cash), and allowed a few to join me.
+It was decided to drop the idea of a monthly and make it a humorous
+weekly.
+
+
+LIKA JOKO.
+
+That name was originated some years before by Mr. Burnand and myself
+jointly in a chaffing conversation. It was universally connected with
+me, but as it has been said that I had no right to use it, I here
+reproduce a document that settles any doubt on that point:
+
+     "This is to certify that Harry Furniss has the sole right to use
+     the name of 'Lika Joko.' That he is at liberty to use it in any way
+     he wishes, and no one else can adopt or utilise the name without
+     his permission.
+
+                       "(Signed) F.C. BURNAND, Editor of _Punch_.
+                                              "PHILIP LESLIE AGNEW,
+                                                 "For the Proprietors."
+
+Wishing to be certain that the name "Lika Joko" was a wise one, I was
+advised to consult the leading editor of our largest publishing house.
+Strange to say, when I called he had on his wall rows of titles of
+publications under consideration. He looked at mine, and thought the
+matter over, then shook hands and told me there was a fortune in the
+title alone.
+
+A few years afterwards I heard to my dismay that the same great man
+declared the title I had selected was a fatal mistake!
+
+The first friend I consulted about capital suggested £20,000. He was
+very rich, but said that he would only put cash in equal to what I
+myself would. I put down £5,000, and he followed suit. I subsequently
+added more. The rest of the capital was found by various friends.
+
+My friends subsequently said that as I supplied the editorial brains I
+ought not to have supplied the largest share of the capital!
+
+I was requested by my friends to introduce a business man, accustomed to
+publishing, and leave all business arrangements to him. My friends
+brought in two. Yet I am held responsible for the business arrangements
+made!
+
+Few new periodicals have caused more interest. The scene at the railway
+stations and book-stalls was unparalleled. We could not print quick
+enough to supply the demand. 140,000 copies went off in a few
+days--which, for a threepenny humorous journal, is a record.
+
+It is said I wrote the journal myself. I never wrote one line in it from
+the first number to the last. I had the best writers money could
+procure, and I venture to say it was the best-written paper of its class
+ever produced in England.
+
+It is said I illustrated it all myself!
+
+I had in the _first number_ alone George du Maurier, Bernard Partridge,
+Fred Barnard, A. C. Corbould, W. Ralston, J. F. Sullivan, G. Ashton, W.
+D. Almond, J. B. Yeats, and myself. Ten artists!--eight of whom have
+contributed to _Punch_. In subsequent numbers I added work by Sir Frank
+Lockwood, Arthur Hopkins, Gordon Browne, W. Maud, W. F. Thomas, C.
+Richardson, Louis Wain, G. Montbard, James Greig, "Rab," Max Cowper, J.
+H. Roberts, René Bull, S. Adamson, J. E. Donnison, W. H. Overend,
+Charles Burton Barber, A. T. Elwes, Hal Hurst, F. Miller, E. F. Skinner,
+George Morrow, J. Jellicoe, A. Greenbank, and others--in all nearly
+forty artists, and this in six months!
+
+I have another inaccuracy to nail to the counter of Dame False Rumour's
+shop. That I stopped _Lika Joko_ because it was a failure.
+
+The facts about this incident are brief and instructive.
+
+Mr. Astor stopped his artistic weekly, the _Pall Mall Budget_, suddenly.
+It so happened it was printed in the same office as _Lika Joko_. This
+very paper, which had prevented me accepting the editorship of the
+proposed new sixpenny weekly paper, and had driven me into publishing a
+threepenny weekly, was "put to bed" (to use a printer's phrase) week
+after week side by side with mine. I was sent for one Saturday morning.
+The expensive sixpenny child was to die that day. Could I not adopt it?
+There was a chance--splendid circulation, splendid returns for
+advertisements.
+
+Why then does Mr. Astor discontinue it?
+
+Because, I was told, Mrs. Astor had just died,--it was so dear to her
+that Mr. Astor felt he could not continue it, for purely sentimental
+reasons.
+
+This was pathetically explained to me. It was so natural. Yet why should
+such a splendid paper cease when I had a large proprietor with capital
+waiting to start one? I was the man. So I was told, and so I believed,
+and so I proved to be. Not a moment was to be lost. I was with Sir
+George Lewis. Has Mr. Astor any objection? He thought certainly not.
+
+I therefore engaged the same staff, the same printers, the same paper
+and machines were used. The paper, with the exception that the title was
+changed from the _Pall Mall_ to the _New Budget_, came out in four
+days--the following Wednesday morning. Sir William Ingram was the first
+to purchase a copy. The whole edition was sold out before sunset. I have
+been assured that this was the smartest journalistic feat on record.
+
+I then sought the people whom I had advised not to oppose this very
+paper, but they were on the Continent. I would bring it out and await
+their return. They did return. But it unfortunately happened that in the
+meantime they had speculated in one of those American imported "booms"
+of illustrated literature and lost!
+
+_Lika Joko_ came out too, and I immediately met all the members of my
+company and placed both papers before them, my _New Budget_ and our
+joint property _Lika Joko_. The result was the following announcement in
+the next week's issue of the latter:
+
+
+"A FAREWELL FABLE.
+
+"Once upon a time there was a wealthy shipowner who possessed one of the
+best vessels on the seas. Her name was the _Pall Mall Budget_. Week
+after week she left port, well manned, well rigged, laden with
+passengers, and made a prosperous voyage. No vessel in her own line was
+better built and appointed, and gradually she drew away those people who
+once had travelled by her rivals, and carried them herself.
+
+"And then, one day, without assigning any reason, the shipowner forbade
+her ever again to leave port, and nothing could shake his resolve.
+
+"Now, there was at this time also afloat a merry little passenger boat
+which made a weekly cruise in waters only occasionally entered by the
+larger vessel, and her name was _Lika Joko_. No sooner did the news of
+the great shipowner's decision reach the ears of the captain of the
+_Lika Joko_ than he made all sail for port, drew up alongside of the
+_Pall Mall Budget_, and boarded her.
+
+"Then he asked her captain and crew, who were all regretful at the loss
+of their vessel, if they would put to sea again in a vessel built by
+himself, as like the _Pall Mall Budget_ as might be, but, if anything,
+swifter, more trim, with later improvements to make the passage easier
+and more entertaining to all on board. And they agreed.
+
+"Forthwith he set about giving his orders, and so heartily did everyone
+work that a week later, in fair weather, and to the surprise of all
+spectators, this vessel, which was christened the _New Budget_, crossed
+the harbour bar and made one of the best passages on record, leaving the
+competing craft far behind, and carrying on board not only the old
+passengers of the _Pall Mall Budget_, but those of the _Lika Joko_ as
+well, and many new ones. 'Henceforth,' said the captain of the _Lika
+Joko_, who had now become the captain of the _New Budget_, 'we will set
+our sails every Thursday morning.'"
+
+Little did I think the change was a fable. I had not long to wait to
+find I had been utterly deceived. According to Mr. Astor, his reason for
+his stopping his expensive paper was not as stated! As soon as I
+discovered this I called together my friends, and as they would have to
+supply a huge capital to carry on the _Budget_, and as I had been
+deceived, it was arranged that they should retire with their unused
+capital, and I carried on the _New Budget_ with my own capital of
+£6,000. The paper cost me £100 a day--£700 each number. I had the best
+artists, the best writers, the best printers--the same as Mr. Astor--but
+here comes in my difficulty. As I had amalgamated _Lika Joko_ with the
+_New Budget_, I was legally bound to the contract made with the
+advertising manager. That contract worked out in nearly every case at 40
+per cent. commission for advertisement. That finished me. Was that
+editorial or business? I think the latter. Was I to blame? I think not.
+
+As the American millionaire had discovered before me that it was
+impossible to give a shillingsworth for sixpence (although I ran it for
+a longer period than he did), I ceased its publication. Few papers, it
+has been said, were more admired than this artistic and refined _New
+Budget_, and I take this opportunity of denying that it was in any way a
+failure compared with papers in existence for years still losing money,
+and I am sincerely proud of my contribution to the publishing of
+periodicals. But had I not been deceived, and dropped _Lika Joko_, that
+paper would now have been a splendid property.
+
+I confess that the financial loss, severe to a professional man who has
+made it all by his own hand, was not what upset me. I am not a
+gambler--I never bet a shilling in my life--but I thought better of my
+fellow-men than they deserve. What did trouble me was that I never was
+given credit for my pluck. I was, and I am still, grossly misrepresented
+by a certain section of journalists. When the _Pall Mall Budget_ was
+discontinued, was it written down a failure? No, certainly not. A
+pathetic excuse was manufactured. That excuse was as clever as it was
+untrue, as I discovered to my cost.
+
+I think the man who stepped in single-handed, saved the _Pall Mall
+Budget_ as I did to the benefit of contributors, printers, and
+paper-makers, who then strangled his own child-paper and gave all the
+money at his disposal to keep the _Budget_ going, who was deserted by
+his Company in consequence--they taking with them their remaining
+capital--who fought on, and lost thousands and thousands of pounds more
+of his own money, who worked night and day for months without any
+encouragement, any return, who discovered he had been deceived all
+round, and then, finding this, paid everyone every penny and said
+nothing, but turned round and went on with his own professional work, is
+surely a man at least to be respected; certainly not the man to be
+belittled, misrepresented, and maligned by brother workers.
+
+I have other matters to confess regarding my experiences of
+publishing--but they will keep. I am anxious, however, that the facts
+recorded in this chapter should be known, as a warning to others who
+like myself, being a successful editor, imagine that editing can make a
+commercial success without a commercial pilot. I paid for my
+experience--I do not regret it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of a Caricaturist, Vol
+2 (of 2), by Harry Furniss
+
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+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of a Caricaturist, Vol 2
+(of 2), by Harry Furniss
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Confessions of a Caricaturist, Vol 2 (of 2)
+
+Author: Harry Furniss
+
+Release Date: September 20, 2007 [EBook #22689]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CARICATURIST ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Janet Blenkinship and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 322px;">
+<img src="images/img0292-tb.jpg" width="322" height="500" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AN ARTISTIC JOKE.<br /><i>A London Slum. My Parody of the Venetian School.</i></span>
+<br /><span class="link"><a href="images/img0292.jpg">View larger image</a></span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="THE_CONFESSIONS_OF_A_CARICATURIST" id="THE_CONFESSIONS_OF_A_CARICATURIST"></a>THE CONFESSIONS OF A CARICATURIST</h2>
+
+<h3>BY</h3>
+
+<h2>HARRY FURNISS</h2>
+
+<h3><i>ILLUSTRATED</i></h3>
+
+
+<h2>VOLUME II</h2>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 116px;">
+<img src="images/img002.jpg" width="116" height="150" alt="" title="publisher logo" />
+</div>
+
+
+<p class="center">NEW YORK AND LONDON:<br />
+HARPER &amp; BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS.<br />
+1902.<br /><br />
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO. LD., PRINTERS,<br />
+LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.<br /><br />
+<i>All rights reserved.</i><br />
+December, 1901.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS.</h2>
+
+<div class="centered">
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" width="80%"
+summary="Table of Contents">
+  <tr>
+  <td style="width: 85%;">&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdr" style="width: 15%;"><span class="smcap">Page</span></td>
+  </tr>
+
+  <tr>
+  <th align="center">CHAPTER VIII.<br /><br />THE ARTISTIC JOKE.</th>
+  <td class="tdr">&nbsp;</td>
+  </tr>
+
+  <tr>
+  <td class="hanging">The First Idea--How it was Made--"Fire!"--I am a Somnambulist--My Workshop--My
+Business "Partner"--Not by Gainsborough--Lord Leighton--The
+Private View--The Catalogue--Sold Out--How the R.A.'s Took It--How a
+Critic Took It--Curious Offers--Mr. Sambourne as a Company Promoter--A
+One-man Show--<i>Punch's</i> Mistake--A Joke within a Joke--My Offer to the
+Nation</td>
+<td class="tdr"><i>pp.</i> <a href='#Page_1'><b>1</b></a>--<a href='#Page_25'><b>25</b></a></td>
+</tr>
+
+  <tr>
+  <th align="center">CHAPTER IX.<br /><br />CONFESSIONS OF A COLUMBUS.</th>
+  <td class="tdr">&nbsp;</td>
+  </tr>
+
+  <tr>
+  <td class="hanging">The Cause of my Cruise--No Work--The Atlantic Greyhound--Irish Ship--Irish
+Doctor--Irish Visitors--Queenstown--A Surprise--Fiddles--Edward Lloyd--Lib--Chess--The
+Syren--The American Pilot--Real and Ideal--Red Tape--Bribery--Liberty--The
+Floating Flower Show--The Bouquet--A Bath and a
+Bishop--"Beastly Healthy"--Entertainment for Shipwrecked Sailors--Passengers--Superstition.</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+  <td class="hanging1"><span class="smcap">America in a Hurry</span>--Harry Columbus Furniss--The Inky Inquisition--First
+Impressions--Trilby--Tempting Offers--Kidnapped--Major Pond--Sarony--Ice--James
+B. Brown--Fire!--An Explanation.</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+
+
+  <tr><td class="hanging1"><span class="smcap">Washington</span>--Mr. French of Nowhere--Sold--Interviewed--The Sporting Editor--Hot
+Stuff--The Capitol--Congress--House of Representatives--The Page
+Boys--The Agent--Filibuster--The "Reccard"--A Pandemonium--Interviewing
+the President.</td>
+<td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+
+
+  <tr><td class="hanging1"><span class="smcap">Chicago</span>--The Windy City--Blowers--Niagara--Water and Wood--Darkness to
+Light--My Vis-à-Vis--Mr. Punch--My Driver--It Grows upon Me--Inspiration--Harnessing
+Niagara--The Three Sisters--Incline Railway--Captain
+Webb.</td>
+<td class="tdr">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+  <td class="hanging1"><span class="smcap">Travelling</span>--Tickets--Thirst--Sancho Panza--Proclaimed States--"The Amurrican
+Gurl"--A Lady Interviewer--The English Girl--A Hair Restorer--Twelfth
+Night Club Reception at a Ladies' Club--The Great Presidential
+Election--Sound Money <i>v.</i> Free Silver--Slumland--Detective O'Flaherty.</td>
+<td class="tdr"><i>pp.</i> <a href='#Page_26'><b>26</b></a>--<a href='#Page_130'><b>130</b></a></td>
+</tr>
+
+
+  <tr>
+  <th align="center">CHAPTER X.<br /><br />AUSTRALIA.</th>
+  <td>&nbsp;</td>
+  </tr>
+
+  <tr>
+  <td class="hanging">Quarantined--The Receiver-General of Australia--An Australian Guide-book--A
+Death Trap--A Death Story--The New Chum--Commercial Confessions--Mad
+Melbourne--Hydrophobia--Madness--A Land Boom--A Paper Panic--Ruin.</td>
+<td align="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+  <td class="hanging1"><span class="smcap">Sydney</span>--The Confessions of a Legislator--Federation--Patrick Francis Moran.</td>
+<td align="right">&nbsp;</td></tr>
+
+<tr>
+  <td class="hanging1"><span class="smcap">Adelaide</span>--Wanted, a Harbour--Wanted, an Expression--Zoological--Guinea-pigs--Paradise!--Types--Hell
+Fire Jack--The Horse--The Wrong Room!</td>
+<td class="tdr"><i>pp.</i> <a href='#Page_131'><b>131</b></a>--<a href='#Page_153'><b>153</b></a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+  <th align="center">CHAPTER XI.<br /><br />PLATFORM CONFESSIONS.</th>
+  <td class="tdr">&nbsp;</td>
+  </tr>
+
+  <tr>
+  <td class="hanging">Lectures and Lecturers--The Boy's Idea--How to Deliver It--The Professor--The
+Actors--My First Platform--Smoke--Cards--On the Table--Nurses--Some
+Unrehearsed Effects--Dress--A Struggle with a Shirt--A Struggle with a
+Bluebottle--Sir William Harcourt Goes out--My Lanternists Go Out--Chairmen--The
+Absent Chairman--The Ideal Chairman--The Political Chairman--The
+Ignorant Chairman--Chestnuts--Misunderstood--Advice to Those about
+to Lecture--I am Overworked--"'Arry to Harry."</td>
+<td class="tdr"><i>pp.</i> <a href='#Page_154'><b>154</b></a>-<a href='#Page_189'><b>189</b></a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+  <th align="center">CHAPTER XII.<br /><br />MY CONFESSIONS AS A "REFORMER."</th>
+  <td class="tdr">&nbsp;</td>
+  </tr>
+
+  <tr>
+  <td class="hanging">Portraiture Past and Present--The National Portrait Gallery Scandal--Fashionable
+Portraiture--The Price of an Autograph--Marquis Tseng--"So That's My
+Father!"--Sala Attacks Me--My Retort--Du Maurier's Little Joke--My
+Speech--What I Said and What I Did Not Say--Fury of Sala--The Great
+Six-Toe Trial--Lockwood Serious--My Little Joke--Nottingham Again--Prince
+of Journalists--Royal Academy Antics--An Earnest Confession--My
+Object--My Lady Oil--Congratulations--Confirmations--The Tate Gallery--The
+Proposed Banquet--The P.R.A. and Modern Art--My Confessions in the
+Central Criminal Court--Cricket in the Park--Reform!--All About that Snake--The
+Discovery--The Capture--Safe--The Press--Mystery--Evasive--Experts--I
+Retaliate--The <i>Westminster Gazette</i>--The Schoolboy--The Scare--Sensation--Death--Matters
+Zoological--Modern Inconveniences--Do Women
+Fail in Art?--Wanted a Wife</td>
+<td class="tdr"><i>pp.</i> <a href='#Page_190'><b>190</b></a>-<a href='#Page_234'><b>234</b></a></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+  <th align="center">CHAPTER XIII.<br /><br />MY CONFESSIONS AS A "REFORMER."</th>
+  <td class="tdr">&nbsp;</td>
+  </tr>
+
+  <tr>
+  <td class="hanging">My First City Dinner--A Minnow against the Stream--Those Table Plans--Chaos--The
+City Alderman, Past and Present--Whistler's Lollipops--Odd Volumes--Exchanging
+Names--Ye Red Lyon Clubbe--The Pointed Beard--Baltimore
+Oysters--The Sound Money Dinner--To Meet General Boulanger--A Lunch
+at Washington--No Speeches.</td>
+<td class="tdr">&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+
+  <tr>
+  <td class="hanging1"><span class="smcap">The Thirteen Club</span>--What it was--How it was Boomed--Gruesome Details--Squint-Eyed
+Waiters--Superstitious Absentees--My Reasons for being Present--'Arry
+of <i>Punch</i>--The Lost "Vocal" Chords--The Undergraduate and the
+Undertaker--Model Speeches--Albert Smith--An Atlantic Contradiction--The
+White Horse--The White Feather--Exit 13</td>
+<td class="tdr"><i>pp.</i> <a href='#Page_235'><b>235</b></a>-<a href='#Page_271'><b>271</b></a></td>
+</tr>
+
+
+
+<tr>
+  <th align="center">CHAPTER XIV.<br /><br />THE CONFESSIONS OF AN EDITOR.</th>
+  <td class="tdr">&nbsp;</td>
+  </tr>
+
+  <tr>
+  <td class="hanging">Editors--Publishers--An Offer--Why I Refused it--The <i>Pall Mall Budget</i>--<i>Lika
+Joko</i>--The <i>New Budget</i>--The Truth about my Enterprises--<i>Au Revoir!</i></td>
+<td class="tdr"><i>pp.</i> <a href='#Page_272'><b>272</b></a>-<a href='#Page_280'><b>280</b></a></td>
+</tr>
+
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img003.jpg" width="600" height="399" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">HARRY FURNISS&#39;S (EGYPTIAN STYLE).<br /><i>From "Punch."</i></span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS" id="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS"></a>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" width="85%" cellspacing="0" summary="LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS">
+<tr><td align='left'>&nbsp;</td><td align='right'>PAGE</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>An Artistic Joke. A London Slum. My Parody of the Venetian School.</td><td align='right'><i>Frontispiece.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>My Studio during the Progress of "An Artistic Joke"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_1'><b>1</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Harry Furniss's Royal Academy</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_3'><b>3</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Throwing myself into it</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_5'><b>5</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Fire!</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_6'><b>6</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Pictures by R. Macbeth:</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Potato Gang in the Fens;</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">Twitch-burning in the Fens;</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span style="margin-left: 1em;">A Flood in the Fens</span></td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_8'><b>8</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Macbeth in the Fens</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_9'><b>9</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Letter from the President of the Royal Academy</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_11'><b>11</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"An Artistic Joke"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_15'><b>15</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Mr. Sambourne's Prospectus</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_18'><b>18</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Cover of "How he did it"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_20'><b>20</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Initial "T"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_20'><b>20</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>My Portrait. Frontispiece for "How he did it"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_21'><b>21</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Harry Furniss and his "Lay Figure"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_22'><b>22</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Letter from the President of the Royal Academy</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_25'><b>25</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Initial "I"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_26'><b>26</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A "T&mdash;Tonic"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_27'><b>27</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>An Atlantic "Greyhound."</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_28'><b>28</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Saloon of the <i>Teutonic</i>. The First Morning at Breakfast</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_30'><b>30</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>At Queenstown&mdash;A Reminiscence</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_33'><b>33</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Bog-Oak Souvenirs</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_34'><b>34</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Captain's Table</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_36'><b>36</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Not up in a Balloon</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_38'><b>38</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Chess</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_40'><b>40</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Mr. Lloyd and the Lady. "If you will sing, <i>I</i> will!"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_42'><b>42</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The American Pilot&mdash;Ideal</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_43'><b>43</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The American Pilot&mdash;Real</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_43'><b>43</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Health Officer comes on Board</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_45'><b>45</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Just in Time</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_46'><b>46</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"A Floating Flower Show"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_47'><b>47</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Bath Steward and the Bishop. "Your Time, Sir! Your Time!"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_48'><b>48</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Americans and English on Deck</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_49'><b>49</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>American Interviewing&mdash;Imaginary</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_52'><b>52</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>American Interviewing&mdash;Real</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_53'><b>53</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Sandy."</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_55'><b>55</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Chiropody</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_57'><b>57</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"New Trilby."</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_58'><b>58</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Amiable Mr. Harry Furniss"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_59'><b>59</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Major Pond</td><td align='right'><a href='#MAJOR_POND'><b>59</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Great Sarony</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_61'><b>61</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>James B. Brown</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_63'><b>63</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Fire!</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_65'><b>65</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Alarm</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_67'><b>67</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Throne in the Senate</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_72'><b>72</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Throne, House of Representatives</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_73'><b>73</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Initial "T"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_74'><b>74</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The House of Representatives</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_75'><b>75</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>An ex-Speaker</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_77'><b>77</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>An ex-Minister</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_80'><b>80</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Anglophobia</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_82'><b>82</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The President&mdash;Ideal</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_83'><b>83</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The President&mdash;Real</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_83'><b>83</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Initial "A"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_84'><b>84</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Buffalo Girl</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_84'><b>84</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>President Harrison's Reply</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_85'><b>85</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Mr. Punch at Niagara</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_86'><b>86</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Hebe</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_86'><b>86</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>My Driver</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_87'><b>87</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Fra' Huddersfield</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_87'><b>87</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Niagara growing upon Me</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_88'><b>88</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>I admire the great Horseshoe Fall</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_89'><b>89</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Jonathan harnessing Niagara</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_90'><b>90</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"The Three Sisters."</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_91'><b>91</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Inclined Railway, Niagara</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_92'><b>92</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Where Captain Webb was Killed</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_93'><b>93</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Tourists</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_94'><b>94</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>American Travelling. Nothing to Eat</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_96'><b>96</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>American Travelling. Nothing to Drink</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_97'><b>97</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Sleep(!)</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_100'><b>100</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Washington Lady</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_102'><b>102</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Lady Interviewer</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_104'><b>104</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Sketch at "Del's"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_105'><b>105</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Young America</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_106'><b>106</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>An American Menu</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_107'><b>107</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>My Portrait&mdash;<i>in the Future</i></td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_108'><b>108</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>I am Entertained at the Twelfth Night Club</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_110'><b>110</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Reception at a Ladies' Club</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_112'><b>112</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Wife and Husband</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_113'><b>113</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Dream of the White House</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_114'><b>114</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Political Quartette</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_116'><b>116</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>After the Great Parade: "Am I to sit on an ordinary seat to-night?"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_120'><b>120</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Italians</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_123'><b>123</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Where the Deed was done!</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_125'><b>125</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"A Youth with a Crutch"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_127'><b>127</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>In an Opium Joint</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_128'><b>128</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"In His Own Black Art"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_128'><b>128</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Hitting the Pipe"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_129'><b>129</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Good-bye"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_130'><b>130</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Initial "W"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_131'><b>131</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Coaling</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_132'><b>132</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Quarantine</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_133'><b>133</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Initial "T"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_134'><b>134</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Sleepy Hollow</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_135'><b>135</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Prospectors</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_138'><b>138</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Quarantine Island</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_141'><b>141</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>I am invited to present myself</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_143'><b>143</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Landing at Adelaide</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_148'><b>148</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Pondicherry Vultures</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_150'><b>150</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Maid of the Inn</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_150'><b>150</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Way into Paradise</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_151'><b>151</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Paradise</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_151'><b>151</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Adam and Eve</td><td align='right'><a href='#ADAM_AND_EVE'><b>152</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Type</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_153'><b>153</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Queen's Hall, London. I was the first to speak from the Platform</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_154'><b>154</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Parliament by Day"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_156'><b>156</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Parliament by Night"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_157'><b>157</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Miss Mary Anderson</td><td align='right'><a href='#MARY_ANDERSON'><b>159</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Initial "By"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_159'><b>159</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Giving My "Humours of Parliament" to the Nurses</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_162'><b>162</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Speaker Brand, afterwards Viscount Hampden</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_164'><b>164</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Surprise Shirt</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_166'><b>166</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Discovered!</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_168'><b>168</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Fly in the Camera</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_169'><b>169</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Late Arrivals</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_171'><b>171</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Reserved Seats</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_172'><b>172</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Chairman No. 1</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_174'><b>174</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Chairman No. 2</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_177'><b>177</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Pumpkin&mdash;a Chestnut</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_178'><b>178</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>In "The Humours of Parliament." Ballyhooley Pathetic</td><td align='right'><a href='#HUMOURS'><b>181</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Harry Furniss as a Pictorial Entertainer</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_182'><b>182</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Grandolph ad Leones." Reduction of a Page Drawing for <i>Punch</i> made by me whilst travelling by Train</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_185'><b>185</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Down with Dryasdust</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_189'><b>189</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>From a Photo by Debenham and Gould</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_190'><b>190</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>G. A. Sala</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_195'><b>195</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Art Critic of the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>"</td><td align='right'><a href='#ART_ROOM'><b>199</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Counsel for the Plaintiff</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_200'><b>200</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Mr. F. C. Gould's Sketch in the <i>Westminster</i>, which Sala maintained was mine</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_200'><b>200</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Defendant</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_202'><b>202</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>My Hat</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_202'><b>202</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Plaintiff</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_203'><b>203</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Editor of <i>Punch</i> supports me</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_203'><b>203</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Sir F. Lockwood and Myself</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_204'><b>204</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Six Toes" Signature</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_205'><b>205</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Sequel&mdash;I Distribute the Prizes at Nottingham</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_205'><b>205</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Initial "T"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_206'><b>206</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The See-Saw Antic</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_207'><b>207</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The first P.R.A.</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_209'><b>209</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>No Water-Colour or Black-and-White need apply</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_210'><b>210</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A National Academy</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_211'><b>211</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Central Criminal Court. From <i>Punch</i></td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_215'><b>215</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Thank Y-o-o-u!"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_216'><b>216</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Regent's Park as it was. From <i>Punch</i>. A Rough Sketch on Wood</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_217'><b>217</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Late Mr Bartlett</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_220'><b>220</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Sketch by Mr. F. C. Gould</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_223'><b>223</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Lady and Her Snakes</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_226'><b>226</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Do Women fail in Art&mdash;The Chrysalis</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_228'><b>228</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Butterfly</td><td align='right'><a href='#BUTTERFLY'><b>230</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Early Victorian Art</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_232'><b>232</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Young Lady's Portrait of her Brother</td><td align='right'><a href='#PORTRAIT'><b>233</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Waiting</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_234'><b>234</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Initial "P"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_235'><b>235</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Menu of the Dinner given to me by the Lotos Club, New York</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_237'><b>237</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Alderman&mdash;Ideal. Real</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_239'><b>239</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>J. Whistler, after a City Dinner (Drawn with my Left Hand)</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_241'><b>241</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>An Odd Volume</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_241'><b>241</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>My Design for Sette of Odd Volumes</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_242'><b>242</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>My Design (reduced) for the Dinner of Ye Red Lyon Clubbe</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_243'><b>243</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Distinguished "Lyon"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_243'><b>243</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Headpiece and Initial "S"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_245'><b>245</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Sound Money Dinner</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_249'><b>249</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Sketch of Boulanger</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_251'><b>251</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Address of Boulanger's Retreat</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_252'><b>252</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Note on My Menu</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_253'><b>253</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Remarkable and much-talked-of Lunch to me at Washington. The Autographs on back of Menu</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_254'><b>254</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Mr. Punch and his Dog Toby</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_256'><b>256</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Memorandum in Pencil</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_258'><b>258</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Thirteen Club Banquet. The Table Decorations</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_259'><b>259</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Mr. W. H. Blanch</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_260'><b>260</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Broken Looking-Glass</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_261'><b>261</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>The Badge</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_261'><b>261</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Squint-Eyed Waiter</td><td align='right'><a href='#WAITER'><b>263</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Coffins, Sir!</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_266'><b>266</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"The Chairman will be Pleased to Spill Salt with You." From the <i>St. James's Budget</i></td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_267'><b>267</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>A Knife I was Presented with</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_268'><b>268</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Tailpiece</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_271'><b>271</b></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>"Au Revoir"</td><td align='right'><a href='#Page_280'><b>280</b></a></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><br /><br /><a name="CONFESSIONS_OF_A_CARICATURIST" id="CONFESSIONS_OF_A_CARICATURIST"></a>CONFESSIONS OF A CARICATURIST.<br /><br /></h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII.</h2>
+
+<h3>THE ARTISTIC JOKE.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img0293.jpg" width="650" height="422" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MY STUDIO DURING THE PROGRESS OF &quot;AN ARTISTIC JOKE.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p style="margin-left:.5in;text-indent:-.5in">The First Idea&mdash;How it was Made&mdash;"Fire!"&mdash;I am a Somnambulist&mdash;My
+Workshop&mdash;My Business "Partner"&mdash;Not by Gainsborough&mdash;Lord
+Leighton&mdash;The Private View&mdash;The Catalogue&mdash;Sold Out&mdash;How the R.A.'s
+Took It&mdash;How a Critic Took It&mdash;Curious Offers&mdash;Mr. Sambourne as a
+Company Promoter&mdash;A One-man Show&mdash;<i>Punch's</i> Mistake&mdash;A Joke within
+a Joke&mdash;My Offer to the Nation.<br /><br /></p></div>
+
+
+<p>"<i>In the year 1887 he startled the town and made a Society sensation by
+means of an exceedingly original enterprise which any man of less
+audacious</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> <i>and prodigious power of work would have shrunk from in its
+very inception. For years this Titanic task was in hand. This was his
+celebrated 'artistic joke,' the name given by the 'Times' to a bold
+parody on a large scale of an average Royal Academy Exhibition. This
+great show was held at the Gainsborough Gallery, New Bond Street, and
+consisted of some eighty-seven pictures of considerable size, executed
+in monochrome, and presenting to a marvelling public travesties&mdash;some
+excruciatingly humorous and daringly satirical, others really exquisite
+in their rendering of physical traits and landscape features&mdash;of the
+styles, techniques, and peculiar choice of subjects of a number of the
+leading artists, R.A.'s and others, who annually exhibit at Burlington
+House. It was a surprise, even to his intimate friends, who, with one or
+two exceptions, knew nothing about it until the announcement that Mr.
+Furniss had his own private Royal Academy appeared in the 'Times.' He
+worked in secret at intervals, under a heavy strain, to get the
+Exhibition ready, particularly as he had to manage the whole of the
+business part; for the show at the Gainsborough Gallery was entirely his
+own speculation. Granted that the experiment was daring, yet the
+audacity of the artist fascinated people. Nor did the Academicians, whom
+some thought would have been annoyed at the fun, as a body resent it.
+They were not so silly, though a minority muttered. Most of them saw
+that Mr. Furniss was not animated by any desire to hold them up to
+contempt, but his parodies were perfectly good-natured, that he had
+served all alike, and that he had only sought the advancement of English
+art. During the whole season the gallery was crushed to overflowing, the
+coldest critics were dazzled, the public charmed, and literally all
+London laughed. It furnished the journalistic critics of the country
+with material for reams of descriptive articles and showers of personal
+paragraphs, and whether relished or disrelished by particular members of
+the artistic profession, at least proved to them, as to the world at
+large, the varied powers (in some phases hitherto unsuspected) and
+exuberant energies of the Harry Furniss whose name was now on the tongue
+and whose bold signature was familiar to the eyes of that not easily
+impressed entity, the General Public.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>"In fact, London had never seen anything so original as Harry Furniss's
+Royal Academy. The work of one man, and that man one of the busiest
+professional men in town. Indeed it might be thought that at the age of
+thirty, with all the foremost magazines and journals waiting on his
+leisure, with a handsome income and an enviable social position assured,
+ambition could hardly live in the bosom of an artist in black and white.
+Unlike Alexander, our hero did not sit down and weep that no kingdom
+remained to conquer, but set quietly to work to create a new realm all
+his own. His Royal Academy, although presented by himself to the public
+as an 'artistic joke,' showed that he could not only use the brush on a
+large scale, but that he could compose to perfection, and after the
+exuberant humour of the show, nothing delighted</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> <i>and surprised the
+public more than the artistic quality and finished technique in much of
+the work, a finish far and away above the work of any caricaturist of
+our time."</i><br /><br /></p>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 273px;">
+<img src="images/img014.jpg" width="273" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+
+
+<p class="cap">T</p><p>HE idea first occurred to me at a friend's house, when my host after
+dinner took me into the picture gallery to show me a portrait of his
+wife just completed by Mr. Slapdash, R.A. It stood at the end of the
+gallery, the massive frame draped with artistic care, while attendants
+stood obsequiously round, holding lights so as to display the <i>chef
+d'&oelig;uvre</i> to the utmost advantage. As I beheld the picture for the
+first time I was simply struck dumb by the excessively bad work which it
+contained. The dictates of courtesy of course required that I should say
+all the civil things I could about it, but I could hardly repress a
+smile when I heard someone else pronounce the portrait to be charming.
+However, as my host seemed to think that perhaps I was too near, and
+that the work might gain in enchantment if I gave it a little distance,
+we moved towards the other end of the gallery and, at his suggestion,
+looked into an antiquated mirror, where I got in the half light what
+seemed a reflection of it. The improvement was obvious, and I told my
+friend so. I told him that the effect was now so lifelike that the
+figure seemed to be moving; but when he in turn gazed into the glass he
+explained somewhat testily that I was not looking at his wife's portrait
+at all, but at the white parrot in the cage hard by. The moral of this
+incident is that if patrons of art in their pursuit of eccentricities
+will pay large sums to an artist for placing a poor portrait in a
+massive frame with drapery hanging round it in the most approved modern
+style, and be satisfied with such a result, they must not be surprised
+if a parrot should be mistaken for a framed type of beauty. I was,
+however, not satisfied until I had examined the picture in question
+closely and honestly in the full light of day, when I saw that Mr.
+Slapdash, R.A., had sold his autograph and a soiled canvas in lieu of a
+portrait to my rich but too easily pleased friend.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>As I walked back into the drawing-room, one of the musical humorists of
+the day was cleverly taking off the weak points of his brother
+musicians, and bringing out into strong light their peculiarities and
+faults of style. The entertainment, however, did not tend to raise my
+drooping spirits, for I was sad to think how low our modern art had
+sunk, and with a heavy heart and a sigh for the profession I pursue, I
+went sadly home. Of course my pent-up feelings had to find relief, so my
+poor wife had to listen to an extempore lecture which I then and there
+delivered to her on portraiture past and present&mdash;a lecture which I fear
+would hardly commend itself to the Association for the Advancement of
+British Art. Further, I asked myself why should I not take a leaf out of
+the musical humorist's book and like him expose the tricks and
+eccentricities of British art in the present day?</p>
+
+<p>The following morning, being a man of action as well as of word, I
+started my "Artistic Joke." I was determined to keep the matter secret,
+so I worked with my studio doors closed, and as each picture was
+finished it was placed behind some heavy curtains, secure from
+observation, and I kept my secret for three years, until the work was
+complete.</p>
+
+<p>I soon found that I had set myself a task of no little magnitude. Before
+I could really make a start I had to examine each artist's work
+thoroughly. I studied specimens of the work of each at various periods
+of his or her career. I had to discover their mannerisms, their
+idiosyncrasies and ideas, if they had any, their tricks of brushwork,
+and all the technicalities of their art. Then I designed a picture
+myself in imitation of each artist. In a very few instances only did I
+parody an actual work. This fact was generally lost sight of by those
+who visited the Exhibition. The public imagined that I simply took a
+certain picture of a particular artist and burlesqued it. I did this
+certainly in the case of Millais' "Cinderella" and one or two others;
+but in the vast majority of the works exhibited, even in Marcus Stone's
+"Rejected Addresses," which appeared to so many as if it must have been
+a direct copy of some picture of his, the idea was entirely evolved out
+of my own<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> imagination. In thinking out the various pictures I devoted
+the greatest care to accuracy of detail. I was particular as to the
+shape of each, and even went so far as to obtain frames in keeping with
+those used by the different artists. Of course it was out of the
+question for me to do the pictures in colour, which would have required
+a lifetime, and probably tempted me to break faith with my idea; not to
+mention the fact that I should in that case most likely have sent the
+collection to the Academy, of which obtuse body, if there is any justice
+in it, I must then naturally have been elected a full-blown member.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 526px;">
+<img src="images/img016.jpg" width="526" height="600" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THROWING MYSELF INTO IT.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In order to get the Exhibition finished in time, I often had to work far
+into the night, and on one occasion when I was thus secretly engaged in
+my studio upon these large pictures until the small hours, I remember a
+catastrophe very nearly happened which would have put a finishing touch
+of a very different kind to that which I intended, not only to the
+picture, but to the artist himself. It happened thus. About three
+o'clock in the morning, long after the household had retired to rest, I
+became conscious of a smell of burning. I made a minute search round the
+studio, but could not discover the slightest indication of an incipient
+conflagration. Then a dreadful thought occurred to me. Beneath the
+studio is a vault, access to which is gained by a trap-door in the
+floor. Could it be that the secret of my "Artistic Joke" had become
+common property in the artistic world, and that some vindictive
+Academician, bent upon preventing the impending caricature of his <i>chef
+d'&oelig;uvre</i>, was even now, like another Guy Fawkes, concealed below, and
+in the dead of night was already commencing his diabolical attempt to
+roast me alive in the midst of my caricatures? Up went the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> trap-door,
+and with candle in hand I explored the vault. The result was to calm my
+apprehensions upon this score, for there was no one there. Still
+mystified as to where the smell of fire, now distinctly perceptible,
+came from, I next walked round the outside of my studio, exciting
+evident suspicion in the mind of the policeman on his beat. No, there
+was not a spark to be seen; no keg of gunpowder, no black leather bag,
+no dynamite, no infernal machine. I returned into the house and went
+upstairs, roused all my family and servants, who, after a close
+examination, returned to their beds, assuring me that all was safe
+there, and half wondering whether the persistent pursuit of caricaturing
+does not produce an enfeebling effect upon the mind. Consoled by their
+assurances, I returned once more to my studio, where the burning smell
+grew worse and worse. However, concluding that it was due to some fire
+in the neighbourhood, I settled down to work once more; but hardly had I
+taken my brush in hand when showers of sparks and particles of
+smouldering wood began to descend upon my head and shoulders, and cover
+the work I was engaged on. I started up, and looking up at my big
+sunlight, saw to my horror that I had wound up my easel, which is twelve
+feet high, and more nearly resembles a guillotine than anything else, so
+far that the top of it was in immediate contact with the gas, and
+actually alight!</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 184px;">
+<img src="images/img017.jpg" width="184" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">FIRE!</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The <i>Times</i> took the unusual course of giving, a month in advance of its
+opening on April 23rd, 1887, a preliminary notice of this Exhibition.</p>
+
+<p>It said: "A novel Exhibition, for which we venture to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> prophesy no
+little success, is being prepared by Harry Furniss of <i>Punch</i> celebrity.
+As everyone knows, Mr. Furniss has long adorned the columns of our
+contemporary with pictorial parodies of the chief pictures of the Royal
+Academy, the Grosvenor, and other shows, and it has now occurred to him
+to develop this idea and to have a humorous Royal Academy of his own. He
+has taken the Gainsborough Gallery in Old Bond Street, which he will
+fill some time before the opening of Burlington House with a display of
+elaborate travesties of the works of all the best known artists of the
+day. There will be seventy pictures in black and white, many of them
+large size, turning into good-natured ridicule the works of every
+painter, good and bad, whose pictures are familiar to the public," etc.,
+etc. This gives a very fair idea of the nature and objects of my "Royal
+Academy." My aim was to burlesque not so much individual works as
+general style, not so much specific performances as habitual manner. As
+an example I take the work of that clever decorative painter and etcher,
+Mr. R. W. Macbeth, A.R.A. By his permission I here reproduce reductions
+in black and white of three of his well-known pictures, and side by side
+I show my parody of his style and composition&mdash;not, as you will observe,
+a caricature of any <i>one</i> picture, but a boiling down of <i>all</i> into an
+original picture of my own in which I emphasise his mannerisms.
+Furthermore, in my catalogue I parodied the same artist's mannerism in
+drawing in black and white, and with one or two exceptions this applies
+to all the works I exhibited. I hit upon a new idea for the illustrated
+catalogue. The illustrations, with few exceptions, did not convey any
+idea of the composition of the pictures, and in many cases they were
+designed to further the idea and object of the Exhibition by reference
+to pictures not included therein. My joke was that the Exhibition could
+not be understood by anyone without a catalogue, and the catalogue could
+not be understood by anyone without seeing the Exhibition. Therefore
+everyone visiting the Exhibition had to buy a catalogue, and everyone
+seeing the catalogue had to visit the Exhibition. <i>Q.E.D.!</i> The idea,
+the catalogue, and everything connected with this "Artistic Joke"
+were<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> my own, with the exception of the title, which was so happily
+supplied by Mr. Humphry Ward as the heading to the preliminary notice he
+wrote for the <i>Times</i>. <i>At the last moment</i> I called in my fellow-worker
+on <i>Punch</i>, Mr. E. J. Milliken, to assist me with some of the
+letterpress of the catalogue and write the verses for it. I had all but
+a small portion of the catalogue written before he so kindly gave this
+assistance, but at the suggestion of a mutual friend I gave him half the
+profits of the catalogue, which amounted to several hundred pounds. I am
+obliged to make this point clear, as to my astonishment it was reported
+that the whole Exhibition was a joint affair, no doubt originated by Mr.
+Punch in a few lines: "When two of Mr. Punch's young men put their heads
+together to produce so excellent a literary and artistic a joke as that
+now on view at the Gainsborough Gallery&mdash;&mdash;" This was accepted as a
+matter of fact by many, not knowing that this "joke," my work of years,
+was a secret in the <i>Punch</i> circle as outside it. The false impression
+which Mr. Punch had originated he corrected in his Happy Thought way:
+"<i>The Artistic Jubilee Jocademy in Bond Street.</i>&mdash;The fire insurances on
+the building will be uncommonly heavy because there is to be a show of
+Furniss's constantly going on inside. Why not call it 'Furniss Abbey
+Thoughts?'"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img019a.jpg" width="650" height="217" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">POTATO GANG IN THE FENS.</span>
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img019b.jpg" width="650" height="396" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">TWITCH-BURNING IN THE FENS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img019c.jpg" width="650" height="329" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">A FLOOD IN THE FENS.</span>
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<h4>THE PICTURES BY R. MACBETH.</h4>
+
+<h4><i>Reproduced by permission of the Artist.</i></h4>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img020.jpg" width="650" height="423" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MACBETH IN THE FENS.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<blockquote><h4><i>My parody in "An Artistic Joke" of Mr. Macbeth's composition and style
+of work, showing that in my "Academy" I did not parody one subject, but
+designed a picture embodying all the characteristics of the Artist.</i></h4></blockquote>
+
+<p><br />The following brief correspondence passed between the President of the
+Royal Academy and myself:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Mr. Harry Furniss presents his compliments to Sir Frederick
+Leighton and trusts he will forgive being bothered with the
+following little matter.</p>
+
+<p>"Sir Frederick is no doubt aware of Mr. Furniss's intention to have
+a little Exhibition in Bond Street this spring,&mdash;a good-natured
+parody on the Royal Academy. The title settled upon&mdash;the only one
+that explains its object&mdash;is</p>
+
+<h4>
+"HARRY FURNISS'S<br />
+"ROYAL ACADEMY,<br />
+"'AN ARTISTIC JOKE.'"<br />
+</h4>
+
+<p>"In this particular case the authorities (Mr. Furniss is informed)
+see no objection to the use of the word <i>Royal</i> pure and simple,
+but as a matter of etiquette he thinks it right to ask the question
+of Sir Frederick Leighton also.</p>
+
+<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">"<i>March 11th, 1887.</i>"</span></p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 594px;">
+<img src="images/img022.jpg" width="594" height="600" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>A word or two may not be out of place here on the practical difficulties
+which beset an artist who opens an Exhibition on his own account, and is
+forced by circumstances to become his own "exploiteur." Men may have
+worked with a more ambitious object, but certainly no man can ever have
+worked harder than I did at this period. Outside work was pouring in, my
+current <i>Punch</i> work seemed to be increasing, but I never allowed
+"Furniss's Folly" (as some good-natured friend called my Exhibition at
+the moment) to interfere with it. I had only arranged with a "business
+man" to take the actual "running" of the show off my hands, and he was
+to have half the profits if there should happen to be any. At the
+critical moment, when I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> was working night and day at my easel, when in
+fact the "murther was out" and the date actually settled for the
+"cracking" of my joke&mdash;in short, when I fondly imagined that all the
+arrangements were made, I received a letter from my "business" friend
+backing out of the affair, "as he doubted its success." Half-an-hour
+after the receipt of this staggerer (I have never had time to reply to
+it) I was dashing into Bond Street, where I quickly made all
+arrangements for the hire of a gallery and the necessary printing,
+engaged an advertising agent and staff, and myself saw after the
+thousand and one things indispensable to an undertaking of this kind.
+And all this extraneous worry continued to hamper my studio work until
+the Exhibition was actually opened. Of course I had to make hurried
+engagements at any price, and consequently bad ones for me. Every
+householder is aware that should he change his abode he is surrounded in
+his new home by a swarm of local tradespeople and others anxious to get
+something out of him. Well, my experience upon entering the world of
+"business," hitherto strange to me, was precisely the same. All sorts of
+parasites try to fasten themselves on to you. Business houses regard you
+as an amateur, and consequently you pay dearly for your experience. You
+are not up to the tricks of the trade, and although you may not
+generally be written down an ass, you must in your new vocation pay your
+footing. It is therefore incumbent upon anyone entering the world of
+trade for the first time to keep his wits very much about him.</p>
+
+<p>The local habitation for my Exhibition, which upon the spur of the
+moment I was fortunate enough to find in Bond Street, was called for
+some inexplicable reason the Gainsborough Gallery, and thereby hangs a
+tale. One afternoon there arrived a venerable dowager in a gorgeous
+canary-coloured chariot, attended by her two colossal footmen. She
+sailed into the gallery, which, fortunately for the old and scant of
+breath, was on the ground floor, and slightly raising the pince-nez on
+her aristocratic nose, looked about her with an air of bewilderment.
+Then going up to my secretary she said, "Surely! these are not by
+Gainsborough?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"No, madam," was the reply. "This is the Gainsborough Gallery, but the
+pictures are by Harry Furniss."</p>
+
+<p>Almost fainting on the spot, the old lady called for her salts, her
+stick, and her attendants three, and was rapidly driven away from the
+scene of her lamentable mistake.</p>
+
+<p>The public attendance at the "The Artistic Joke" was prodigious from the
+first. Even upon the private view day, when I introduced a novelty, and
+instead of inviting everybody who is somebody to pay a gratuitous visit
+to the show, raised the entrance fee to half-a-crown, the fashionable
+crowd besieged the doors from an early hour, and made a very
+considerable addition to my treasury. Those of my readers, however, who
+did not pay a visit to the Gainsborough will be better able to realise
+the amount of patronage we received, notwithstanding the numerous
+attractions of the "Jubilee" London season, if I relate an incident
+which occurred on the Saturday after we opened. It was the "private
+view" of the Grosvenor Gallery, and the crowd was immense. Indeed, many
+ladies and gentlemen were returning to their carriages without going
+through the rooms, not, like my patron the dowager, because they were
+disappointed at not finding the work of the old masters, but because the
+visitors were too numerous and the atmosphere too oppressive. As I
+passed through the people I heard a lady who was stepping into her
+carriage say to a friend, "I have just come from 'The Artistic Joke,'
+and the crowd is even worse there. They have had to close the doors
+because the supply of catalogues was exhausted." This soon caused me to
+quicken my pace, and hastening down the street to my own Exhibition, I
+found the police standing at the doors and the people being turned away.
+The simple explanation of this was that so great had been the public
+demand that the stock of catalogues furnished by the printers was
+exhausted early in the afternoon, and as it was quite impossible to
+understand the caricatures without a catalogue, there was no alternative
+but to close the doors until some more were forthcoming.</p>
+
+<p>Finding the telephone was no use, I was soon in a hansom bound for the
+City, intending by hook or by crook to bring back with me the
+much-needed catalogues, or the body of the printer dead or alive. Upon
+arriving in the City, however, to my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> chagrin I found his place of
+business closed, though the caretaker, with a touch of fiendish
+malignity, showed me through a window whole piles of my non-delivered
+catalogues. Not to be beaten, I hastened back to the West End and
+despatched a very long and explicit telegram to the printer at his
+private house (of course he would not be back in the City until Monday),
+requiring him, under pain of various severe penalties, to yield up my
+catalogues instanter. As I stood in the post office of Burlington House
+anxiously penning this message, and harassed into a state of almost
+feverish excitement, the sounds of martial music and the tramp of armed
+men in the adjacent courtyard fell upon my distracted ear. With a sickly
+and sardonic smile upon my face I laid down the pen and peeped through
+the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes! I see it all now," I muttered. "The whole thing is a plant. The
+printer was bribed, and, <i>co&ucirc;te que co&ucirc;te</i>, the Academy has decided to
+take my body! Hence the presence of the military; and see, those
+cooks&mdash;what are they doing here in their white caps? My body! Ha! then
+nothing short of cannibalism is intended!"</p>
+
+<p>This frightful thought almost precipitated me into the very ranks of the
+soldiery, when I discovered that the corps was none other than that of
+the Artist Volunteers, which contains several of my friends. Seizing one
+of those whom I chanced to recognise, I hurriedly whispered in his ear
+the thoughts of impending butchery which were passing in my terrified
+mind. But he only laughed. "You will disturb their digestions, my dear
+Furniss, some other way," he said, "than by providing them with a <i>pi&egrave;ce
+de r&eacute;sistance</i>. Make your mind easy, for we are only here to do honour
+to the guests. This is the banqueting night of the Royal Academy."</p>
+
+<p>From what I heard, some amusing incidents occurred in the house at my
+"Royal Academy."</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 429px;">
+<img src="images/img026.jpg" width="429" height="650" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&quot;AN ARTISTIC JOKE.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<h4><i>A portion of my parody of the work of Sir Alma Tadema, R.A.</i></h4>
+
+<p>It was no uncommon sight to see the friends and relatives, even the sons
+and daughters, of certain well-known Academicians standing opposite the
+parody of a particular picture, and hugely enjoying it at the expense of
+the parent or friend who had painted the original. Other R.A.'s, who
+went about pooh-poohing the whole affair, and saying that they intended
+to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> ignore it altogether, turned up nevertheless in due time at the
+Gainsborough, where, it is true, they did not generally remain very
+long. They had not come to see the Exhibition, but only their own
+pictures. One glance was usually enough, and then they vanished. The
+critics (and their friends) of course remained longer. Even Mr. Sala
+went in one day and seemed to be immensely tickled by what he saw.
+Strange to relate, however, when he had passed through about one-third
+of the show, he was observed to stop abruptly, turn himself round, and
+flee away incontinently, never to be seen there again. I was much
+puzzled to discover a reason for this remarkable man&oelig;uvre, the more
+so as at that time I had not wounded his <i>amour propre</i> by indulging in
+an "Artistic Joke" of much more diminutive proportions at his expense,
+or, as it subsequently turned out, at my own. Since, however, the
+world-famous trial of <i>Sala</i> v. <i>Furniss</i> I have looked carefully over
+all the pictures in my Royal Academy, with a view to throwing some light
+upon the critic's abrupt departure. I remain, nevertheless, in the dark,
+for the most rigid scrutiny has failed to reveal to me one single
+feature in the show, not even a Grecian nose, or a foot with six toes,
+which could have jarred upon the refined taste of the most sensitive of
+journalists. I shall return to Mr. Sala in another portion of these
+confessions, but am more concerned now with the parasites, the artistic
+failures, the common showmen, the traffickers in various wares, and
+other specimens of more or less impecunious humanity, who applied to me
+to let them participate in the profits of a success which I had toiled
+so hard to achieve. In imitation of Barnum, I might have had, if I had
+been so inclined, a series of side shows, ranging in kind from the big
+diamond which a well-known firm in Bond Street asked me to let them
+exhibit, to the "Queen's Bears" and a curious waxwork of a bald old man
+which by means of electricity showed the gradual alterations of tint
+produced by the growth of intemperance. One of these applications I was
+for a moment inclined to entertain. It has more than once been proposed
+that to enable the British public to take its annual bolus at Burlington
+House with less nausea, the Royal Academy should introduce a band of
+some sort, so that under the influence of its inspiriting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> strains the
+masterpieces might be robbed of a little of their tameness, the portrait
+of My Lord Knoshoo might seem less out of place in a public Exhibition,
+and the insanities of certain demented colourists might be made less
+obtrusive monopolists of one's attention. Therefore, when "a musical
+lady and her daughters" applied to me for permission to give "Soir&eacute;es
+Musicales" at the Gainsborough, it struck me for a moment that it would
+be effective to forestall the action of the Academy; but on second
+thoughts I reflected that as the Burlington House band would probably be
+of the same quality as the pictures, it would be adhering more closely
+to the spirit of my "Artistic Joke" if I gave my patrons a barrel organ
+or a hurdy-gurdy which should play the "Old Hundredth" by steam.
+Although one would have thought that a single visit of a few hours'
+duration would have sufficed to go through a humorous Exhibition of this
+kind, I found that several people became <i>habitu&eacute;s</i> of the place, and
+paid many visits; but it is of course possible to have too much of a
+good thing, and a joke loses its point when you have too much of it. No
+better illustration of this can be afforded than in the case of my own
+secretary at the time, who had sat in the Exhibition for many months.
+One day, when the plates were being prepared for an album which I
+published as a souvenir of the show, the engraver arrived with a proof.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 261px;">
+<img src="images/img029.jpg" width="261" height="600" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. SAMBOURNE&#39;S PROSPECTUS.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>"But there is some mistake here," said my secretary. "We have no such
+picture as that on the premises."</p>
+
+<p>The engraver was puzzled, and as he seemed rather sceptical upon the
+point, he was allowed to look round, and speedily found the picture he
+had copied. It had actually been close at my secretary's elbow since the
+"Artistic Joke" was opened to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> the public, but as the pictures were all
+under glass, I suppose he had only seen his own reflection when gazing
+at them. It was this perhaps which caused another gentleman whom I have
+before mentioned to beat so hasty a retreat. Both of them may have been
+frightened by what they saw.</p>
+
+<p>The suggestion that I should be run as a public company emanated from
+the fertile brain of my friend Mr. Linley Sambourne. This is his rough
+idea of the prospectus:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>This Company has been formed to acquire the sole exclusive
+concession of the marvellous and rapid power of production of the
+above-mentioned Managing Director, and to take over the same as a
+going concern.</p>
+
+<p>These productions have been in continual flow for many years past,
+and are too well known to need any assurance of the possibility of
+a failure of supply. It is therefore with the utmost confidence
+that this sure and certain investment is now offered to the public
+with an absolute guarantee of a percentage for Fifteen Years of
+Forty-five per cent.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Furniss can be seen at work with the regularity of a threshing
+machine and the variety of a kaleidoscope any day from 8 o'c. a.m.
+to 8 o'c. p.m. on presentation of visiting card.</p>
+
+<h4>
+<span class="smcap">Bankers</span>,<br />
+Close, Gatherum &amp; Co., Lombard Street.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">Solicitors</span>,<br />
+Black, White &amp; Co., Tube Court.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">Secretary</span>, <i>pro tem.</i><br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">Earl M&mdash;&mdash;,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 6em;">Arrystone Grange.</span></h4>
+
+
+
+<p class="center"><i>The Subscription List will close on or before Monday, April 1st,
+1887.</i></p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<p>Messrs. C. White &amp; Greyon Grey invite subscriptions for the
+undermentioned Share Capital and Debentures of the</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+HARRY FURNISS PARODY CARTOON COMPANY<br />
+(Unlimited).</p>
+
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" width="65%" cellspacing="0" summary="Incorporated under the Joint Stock Companies Acts, 1862 and 1883.">
+<tr>
+<td align="center" colspan="2">Incorporated under the Joint Stock Companies Acts, 1862 and 1883.</td>
+<td></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left">Share capital</td>
+<td align="right">&pound;4,000,000</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left"><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Divided as follows:</span></td>
+<td align="right">&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left">450,000 Ordinary Shares of &pound;5 each</td>
+<td align="right">&pound;2,250,000</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td align="left">175,000 7 p.c. Cumulative Preference Shares of &pound;10 each</td>
+<td align="right">1,750,000</td>
+</tr>
+
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Directors</span>.<br />
+<br />
+Chairman: H. V&mdash;&mdash; W&mdash;&mdash;, Esq., Regent Street, photographer.<br />
+Sir John S&mdash;&mdash; V&mdash;&mdash;, Kt., Pine Court, Kent.<br />
+H&mdash;&mdash; F&mdash;&mdash;, Esq., Draughtsman and Designer, 45, Drury Lane.<br />
+<br />
+HARRY FURNISS, <span class="smcap">Esq</span>., R.R.A., R.R.I., &amp;c.,<br />
+will join the Board as Managing Director on allotment.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<h4>A JOKE WITHIN A JOKE.</h4>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 469px;">
+<img src="images/img031.jpg" width="469" height="650" alt="" title="HOW HE DID IT" />
+</div>
+
+<p>A showman, particularly with some attraction of the passing hour, must
+"boom his show for all it's worth," as the Americans say; so I "boomed"
+my "Artistic Joke" with an advertising joke, and at the same time
+parodied another branch of art&mdash;the art of advertising the artists, by a
+special number of a magazine devoted to the work of an Academician. The
+special numbers, generally published at Christmas, are familiar and
+interesting to us all. Still, from any point of view they are fair game.
+They are of course merely non-critical, eulogistic accounts of the
+artist and his work. So</p>
+
+<p>"<i>How he Did It&mdash;The Story of my 'Artistic Joke,'</i>" duly appeared,
+written by my Lay-figure.</p>
+
+
+<h4>"PREFACE.</h4>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 304px;">
+<img src="images/img032.jpg" width="304" height="500" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MY PORTRAIT. FRONTISPIECE FOR &#39;HOW HE DID IT.&#39;</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<div class="figleft"><img src="images/img031a.jpg" style="margin-top: -1.2em;" width="273" height="350" alt="" title="T" /></div>
+<p>HE fact of my being only an artist's lay-figure will account for any
+stiffness or angularity in my literary style. Whilst conscious of my
+deficiencies in this respect, I am comforted by the consideration that a
+lay-figure attempting literature cannot by any possibility perpetrate
+greater absurdities than are committed by many a ready writer who
+indulges in those glowing and gushing descriptions of artists and their
+work which it is now the fashion to publish, in some such shape as the
+present, for the delectation (and delusion) of a gossip-loving public."</p>
+
+<p>This, the origin of "The Artistic Joke," is a fair specimen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> of the
+absurdity I published as an advertisement, though many bought it and
+read it as a "true and authentic account" of the confessions of a
+caricaturist's lay-figure:</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"As many would be interested in knowing how this extraordinary idea of
+an Academy <i>pour rire</i> first occurred to this artist, I hasten to
+gratify their natural curiosity. It was before little Harry reached the
+age of seven, and while watching with fellow-feeling the house-painters
+at work in his father's house. One day, at lunchtime, when the men had
+left their ladders and paraphernalia near the picture-gallery (a long
+room containing choice works of all the great masters), he seized his
+opportunity: with herculean strength and Buffalo-Billish agility, our
+hero dragged all the ladders, paints and brushes into the gallery, and
+soon was at work 'touching up' the pictures, to gratify his boyish love
+of mischief. Truth to tell, his performance was but on a par,
+artistically, with that usually shown when mischievous boys get hold of
+brushes and paint and a picture to restore."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 471px;">
+<img src="images/img033.jpg" width="471" height="800" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+<blockquote><p class="author">
+25, Old Bond Street,<br />
+LONDON, W.<br />
+Jubilee Day 1887<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>I have been favoured&mdash;if that is the proper word&mdash;with a sight of an
+advance copy of this perpetration.</p>
+
+<p>I feel that the Easy confidence which has hitherto existed between an
+artist and his Lay Figure is for ever broken and fled. If I had only
+known that wine was taking advantage of her exceptional opportunities to
+betray my misplaced confidence in this popular but pestilent fashion, I
+would have made firewood of her long ago.</p>
+
+<p>It is now too late. The temptation is turn Graphic Gusher and
+confidential Trotter-out, has proved too much for a wee docile and
+discreet Lay Figure. I am one more victim at unsuspected hands, to the
+revolting rage for "Revelations."</p>
+
+<p>I am bound to admit, however, that whilst the taste of the whole "Story"
+is execrable, the facts upon which it is founded are undisputable.</p>
+
+<p>The Tale is an o'er true one, though it has been compiled without the
+knowledge, and is published exactly against the desire of</p>
+
+<p class="author">Harry Furniss</p></blockquote>
+
+
+
+
+<p>"Before Harry had finished touching-up the valuable family<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> portraits,
+his father came in, glanced round, and fell onto a couch in roars of
+laughter. 'It's the best Artistic Joke I've ever seen, my boy, and
+here's a shilling for you!' A happy thought struck Harry at the moment.
+He kept it to himself for over twenty-five years; and now, standing high
+upon an allegorical ladder, he repeats the Joke daily, from nine to
+seven, admission one shilling."</p>
+
+<p>This book of sixty pages sold extremely well, and, strange to say, I
+made more money out of this joking advertisement&mdash;the work of a few
+days&mdash;than I did out of my elaborate album of seventy photogravure
+plates which occupied two years to produce and cost me &pound;2,000.</p>
+
+<p>The following lines from <i>Fun</i> give the origin of my Joke's peculiar and
+ingenious turn:</p>
+
+<div class="cpoem1">
+<p>
+"The fact is the Forty were sad in their mind<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Unfortunate <i>Aca</i>demicians!)</span><br />
+Associates also were troubled in kind,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With jeers at their works and positions,</span><br />
+Till one who was younger and bolder than all<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Declared 'doleful dumps' to be folly,</span><br />
+'Come&mdash;away to the club, and for supper let's call,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And try to be decently jolly.'</span><br />
+<br />
+"So they fed with good will on the viands prepared<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">(Pork chops were the principal portion),</span><br />
+Then retiring to bed, with their dreams they were scared,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And spent half the night in contortion;</span><br />
+Then rose in their sleep and came down to this room,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And, instead of a purposeless pawing,</span><br />
+They painted these pictures, then fled in the gloom,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And Furniss has touched up the drawing!"</span><br />
+</p></div>
+
+<p>Having parodied the artists' work, the R.A. catalogue, and the
+publishers' R.A. special numbers, I went one step further. I parodied
+"Art Patrons." At that time there was a great stir in art circles in
+consequence of the authorities of the National Gallery dallying with Mr.
+Tate's offer of his pictures to the nation; so to emulate him, and Mr.
+Alexander, and Mr. Watts, and other public benefactors in the world of
+art, I sent the following letter to the Directors of the National
+Gallery:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Mr. Harry Furniss presents his compliments to the Trustees of the
+National Gallery and begs to congratulate them upon the munificent
+gifts<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> lately made to them, particularly Mr. Henry Tate's, which
+provides the nation with an excellent sample of current art. At the
+same time Mr. Harry Furniss feels that having it in his power to
+provide a more complete collection of our modern English school, he
+is inspired by the generous offers of others to humbly imitate this
+good example, and will therefore willingly give his 'Royal Academy'
+(parodies on modern painters), better known as 'The Artistic Joke,'
+which caused such a sensation in 1887, to the National Gallery if
+the Trustees will honour him by accepting the collection."</p></div>
+
+<p>Yet it was not believed, at least not in Aberdeen, for the leading paper
+of the Granite City published the following:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Someone has played a joke on Mr. Harry Furniss. An announcement
+appears this morning to the effect that 'animated by the generosity
+of Mr. Henry Tate and other benefactors of the National Gallery,
+Mr. Harry Furniss has offered to the Trustees his collection of
+illustrations of the work of modern artists recently on view in
+Bond Street,' and that he 'has received a communication to the
+effect that his offer is under consideration.' I believe no one was
+more surprised by this communication than Mr. Furniss. He never
+made the offer except possibly in jest to some Member of
+Parliament, and naturally he was much surprised to learn that his
+offer was 'under consideration.' The illustrations in question
+could scarcely be dispensed with by Mr. Furniss, as they are to him
+a sort of stock-in-trade."</p></div>
+
+<p>Not only in Aberdeen but I found generally my seriousness was doubted,
+so I reproduce on the opposite page in facsimile the graceful reply of
+the authorities of our National Gallery:</p>
+
+<p>The "Artistic Joke" was never intended as an attack on the Royal Academy
+at all, as a clear-headed critic wrote:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"It would be more just to regard it as an attempt on Mr. Furniss's
+part to show the Academicians the possibilities of real beauty, and
+wonder, and pleasure that lie hidden in their work.... On the
+whole, the Royal Academicians have never appeared under more
+favourable conditions than in this pleasant gallery. Mr. Furniss
+has shown that the one thing lacking in them is sense of humour,
+and that, if they would not take themselves so seriously, they
+might produce work that would be a joy, and not a weariness to the
+world. Whether or not they will profit by the lessons it is
+difficult to say, for dulness has become the basis of
+respectability, and seriousness the only refuge of the shallow."</p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 369px;">
+<img src="images/img036.jpg" width="369" height="800" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">The Artistic Joke.</span><br /><span class="link"><a href="images/img036full.jpg">View larger image</a></span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX.</h2>
+
+<h3>CONFESSIONS OF A COLUMBUS.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>The Cause of my Cruise&mdash;No Work&mdash;The Atlantic Greyhound&mdash;Irish
+Ship&mdash;Irish Doctor&mdash;Irish Visitors&mdash;Queenstown&mdash;A
+Surprise&mdash;Fiddles&mdash;Edward Lloyd&mdash;Lib&mdash;Chess&mdash;The Syren&mdash;The
+American Pilot&mdash;Real and Ideal&mdash;Red Tape&mdash;Bribery&mdash;Liberty&mdash;The
+Floating Flower Show&mdash;The Bouquet&mdash;A Bath and a Bishop&mdash;"Beastly
+Healthy"&mdash;Entertainment for Shipwrecked
+Sailors&mdash;Passengers&mdash;Superstition.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">America in a Hurry</span>&mdash;Harry Columbus Furniss&mdash;The Inky
+Inquisition&mdash;First Impressions&mdash;Trilby&mdash;Tempting
+Offers&mdash;Kidnapped&mdash;Major Pond&mdash;Sarony&mdash;Ice&mdash;James B.
+Brown&mdash;Fire!&mdash;An Explanation.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Washington</span>&mdash;Mr. French of Nowhere&mdash;Sold&mdash;Interviewed&mdash;The Sporting
+Editor&mdash;Hot Stuff&mdash;The Capitol&mdash;Congress&mdash;House of
+Representatives&mdash;The Page Boys&mdash;The Agent&mdash;Filibuster&mdash;The
+"Reccard"&mdash;A Pandemonium&mdash;Interviewing the President.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Chicago</span>&mdash;The Windy City&mdash;Blowers&mdash;Niagara&mdash;Water and Wood&mdash;Darkness
+to Light&mdash;My Vis-&agrave;-Vis&mdash;Mr. Punch&mdash;My Driver&mdash;It Grows upon
+Me&mdash;Inspiration&mdash;Harnessing Niagara&mdash;The Three Sisters&mdash;Incline
+Railway&mdash;Captain Webb.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 700px;">
+             <img src="images/img037top.jpg" style="margin-bottom: 1.5em;" alt="I" height="224" width="700"/>
+
+    </div>
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 364px;">
+             <img src="images/img037middle.jpg" style="margin-top: -3.8em; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 0em;" alt="I" height="202" width="364"/>
+
+    </div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 97px;">
+             <img src="images/img037bottom2.jpg" style="margin-top: -3.3em; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: -.8em;" alt="I" height="97" width="84"/>
+
+    </div>
+
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Travelling</span>&mdash;Tickets&mdash;Thirst&mdash;Sancho Panza&mdash;Proclaimed States&mdash;"The
+Amurrican Gurl"&mdash;A Lady Interviewer&mdash;The English Girl&mdash;A Hair
+Restorer&mdash;Twelfth Night Club Reception at a Ladies' Club&mdash;The Great
+Presidential Election&mdash;Sound Money <i>v.</i> Free
+Silver&mdash;Slumland&mdash;Detective O'Flaherty.</p></div>
+
+
+
+<p style="margin-top: 4.8em;"> NEVER felt better in my life, but my friends all assured me that I
+looked ill. If I wasn't ill, I ought to be. I must be overworked and
+break down. I had "burnt the candle at both ends and in the middle as
+well," and it was a duty I owed to humanity to collapse. For years<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> I
+had done the work of three men with the constitution of one, so one day
+it came to pass that I was forced by my friends into the consulting-room
+of a celebrated physician, labelled "Ill. To be returned to Dead Letter
+Office, or to be sent by foreign mail to some distant land, or to be
+cremated on the spot," anything but to leave me free to return to my mad
+disease, the worst mania of all&mdash;the mania for work.</p>
+
+<p>My good physician stripped me, pommelled me, stethoscoped me, made me
+say "99" when he had squeezed all the breath out of me (why "99"? Why
+not "98" or "4"?&mdash;he was testing internal rebellion), flashed a
+reflector under my eyes, seized a drumstick and hammered me under my
+knee-joints, sat upon me literally and figuratively, and told me to give
+up all food, drink, pleasure, and work for two months, which I did. My
+balance at the bankers' and my balance on the scales were both reduced
+considerably. I lost a good many pounds in weight and money.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;">
+<img src="images/img038.jpg" width="550" height="306" alt="" title="TONIC" />
+</div>
+
+<p>My friends all assured me that I looked well, but I never felt so ill in
+all my life. If I was not ill, I ought to be. I tried to work, but broke
+down. I was idle in the mornings, in the evenings, and in the middle of
+the day as well, and it was a duty I owed to my doctor to collapse. So
+one day I forced myself into his consulting-room before a hundred
+patients waiting their turn, labelled "Well again." I pushed him into
+his chair, pommelled him 99 times, flashed my cane under his eyes,
+seized the poker and hammered him under his knee-joints, and told him I
+would get him six months' hard labour if he did not pronounce me
+sound,&mdash;he did.</p>
+
+<p>"You only want a tonic now, my dear fellow&mdash;a sea-trip!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"A <i>Teutonic</i>," I replied <i>Majestic</i>ally. "The very thing&mdash;sails
+to-morrow&mdash;a new berth&mdash;I'll be born again under a White Star&mdash;<i>au
+revoir</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>"Your prescription!" he called after me. "Take it, and if you value your
+life act up to it to the letter."</p>
+
+<p>It contained two words and no hieroglyphics. Those two words were&mdash;"No
+Work!"</p>
+
+<p>How I acted up to it the following pages will show.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img039.jpg" width="600" height="248" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AN ATLANTIC &quot;GREYHOUND.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In strong contrast to the crowd and bustle at leaving in the afternoon
+is the quietude late in the evening. Many promenade up and down the
+beautiful deck under the electrically-lighted roof, and gaze upon the
+lights of many craft flitting to and fro in the gentle breeze like
+will-o'-the-wisps, postponing retiring, as they are not yet accustomed
+to the vibration of the Atlantic greyhound, which trembles underneath
+them as if, like the real greyhound in full cry after a hare, it is
+literally straining every muscle to beat the record from the Old World
+to the New.</p>
+
+<p>What a difference has taken place since those "good old days" of those
+good old wooden ships, with their good old slow passages and their good
+old uncomfortable berths! Now the state cabin is an apartment perfectly
+ventilated, gorgeously<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> furnished, equipped with every modern
+improvement, and electrically lighted; the switches close to the bed
+(not berth) enable one to turn the light on or off at will. The
+ever-watchful attendant comes in, wishes me good-night, after folding my
+clothes, and departs. Leaving the incandescent light burning over my
+head, I open the book dealing with the wonders of America which I have
+taken from the well-stocked library, and read of great Americans, from
+Washington to the man who has brought this very light to such
+perfection, turning over page after page of well-nigh incredible
+description of the country which has raised the system of "booming" to a
+high art, till my brain reels with an Arabian Nightish flavour of
+exaggeration, and turning off the electric current, I am gradually
+lulled to sleep by the rhythmical vibrations of the steamer, the sole
+reminder that I am in reality sleeping upon a ship and about to enjoy a
+thorough week's rest.</p>
+
+<p>I awoke from the dreams in which I had pictured myself a veritable
+Columbus, and drawing aside the blind of my porthole, I looked out into
+the morning light, and was, perhaps, for a second surprised to see land.
+"Sandy Hook already! Can it be?" Well, hardly, just at present. Though
+who can tell but that in another fifty years it may be possible in the
+time? It is in reality the "Ould Counthry," and we are nearing
+Queenstown.</p>
+
+<p>There is a good muster at breakfast, and everyone is smiling, having had
+at least one good night's rest on the voyage. The waters skirting the
+Irish coast sometimes outdo the fury of the broad Atlantic, and are
+generally just as troubled and combatant as the fiery political elements
+on the little island; but so far we have had a perfect passage, and the
+beautiful bay of Queenstown looks more charming than ever as the engines
+stop for a short period before their five days' incessant activity to
+follow.</p>
+
+<p>Not only the ship, but the doctor, comes from the Emerald Isle. Who
+crossing the Atlantic does not know the witty Dr.&mdash;&mdash;? "Ah, shure, me
+darlin', and isn't it himself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> that's a broth av a bhoy?" And so he is,
+simply bubbling over with humour and good-nature. Presiding at one end
+of the long table, I have to pass him as I leave the saloon. Having
+sketched Irish scenery and Irish character in my youth, I am not tempted
+to open my forbidden sketch-book; but somehow or other I find myself
+making a rapid sketch of the Doctor as he rises from his seat at the end
+of the table to wish the "top of the mornin'" to a lady who sits on his
+right. My excuse is to send it to his friend, my doctor in London. Then,
+without thinking, I sketch in a few other passengers, and instinctively
+make a note of the surroundings. I confess I am already guilty of
+breaking my pledge! And, therefore, make my escape on deck.</p>
+
+<p>The huge steamer seems to act as a sort of magnet on the small fry of
+the harbour, for they rush out to her from the land in all their sorts
+and sizes, in a desperate race for supremacy. Prominent among this fleet
+is a long, ungainly rowing-boat propelled by a tough Hibernian, and
+seated in the stern are his women folk, surrounded by baskets, who, in
+strong Milesian vernacular, urge the rower on in his endeavours to reach
+the ship first. Looked down upon them from your floating tower, they
+strongly resemble a swarm of centipedes. Harder and harder pull the
+"bhoys," and louder and louder comes the haranguing of the females as
+they approach us. I have my eye on the lady in the stern of the first
+boat. She is fair, fat, and forty, possessed of really massive
+proportions, most powerful lungs, and a true Irish physiognomy&mdash;a cast
+of countenance in which it always strikes me that Nature had originally
+forgotten the nasal organ, and then returning to complete the work had
+taken between finger and thumb a piece of flesh and pinched it, thus
+forming the nose rather high up on the face, while the waste of material
+below goes to make the upper lip.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;">
+<img src="images/img042.jpg" width="700" height="495" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE SALOON OF THE <i>TEUTONIC</i>. THE FIRST MORNING AT
+BREAKFAST.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+<p>The puller of the stroke oar is probably her husband, two others are
+wielded evidently by her two sons, and the bow is taken by her strapping
+daughter. One of her arms encircles the merchandise she intends to
+dispose of on board our vessel,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> while the other vigorously helps to
+propel the oar held by her brawny husband. All the while she is urging
+on her crew in her native language, with what may be commands,
+exhortations, or even blessings, but sounding to the unaccustomed Saxon
+ear very much like curses, which chase one another out of her capacious
+mouth with a rapidity unequalled by even an irritated monkey at the Zoo.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 262px;">
+<img src="images/img044.jpg" width="262" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AT QUEENSTOWN&mdash;A REMINISCENCE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Their lumbering craft is the first to touch the side of the <i>Teutonic</i>.
+Standing up in the boat, the good old lady exerts her vocal powers on
+the crew on the lower deck, with the result that a rope fully fifty feet
+long is thrown in her direction, having a loop on the end of it, by
+which she is lassoed. With an agility only acquired after years of
+practice, she adjusts the loop rapidly round her, and calls on the crew
+to hoist away. The boat heels over to one side as she vigorously pushes
+herself away from it, and souse the old dame goes up to her waist in the
+water; the good-natured sailors give an extra jerk, and up she comes,
+with baskets tied round her waist, and her feet acting as fenders
+against the side of the ship. Fortunately the <i>Teutonic</i> is bulky enough
+to resist heeling over under this extra weight on the starboard side.
+She is shipped like a bale of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> goods, and is immediately engaged in
+discharging some more of her loquacity in directing the acrobatic
+performances of her daughter, who is the next to ascend.</p>
+
+
+<p>This scene caused much laughter, and I was induced to make a sketch of
+the lady's acrobatic performance.</p>
+
+<p>The other maritime vendors are hauled up in similar unceremonious
+fashion, and they take possession of both decks. The pretty daughter of
+Erin lays out with no little artistic taste her bog-oak ornaments, and
+'Arry (for the <i>genus</i> cad is to be encountered even on board such
+aristocratic ships as these) attempts to be rampantly facetious at her
+expense. But the damsel with the unkempt auburn locks flowing about her
+comely face, lit up by a pair of blue Irish eyes under their dark
+lashes, takes the cad's vulgarity together with his money, like the pill
+with the jam, giving in return the valueless pieces of carved wood,
+until her little stock is exhausted and a good morning's work is done.</p>
+
+
+<p>On the lower deck trade is brisker. The emigrants (principally by this
+line Scandinavians, in their picturesque peasant dress, the Germans of
+course preferring to go by their own line, the North German Lloyd) are
+fitting on Tam o' Shanters of the crudest colours, scarves of hues that
+would cause the steamer's danger signals to turn pale, and eatables of
+all descriptions&mdash;I ought to say of all the worst descriptions.
+Unhealthy-looking cakes in which the currants are as scarce as Loyalists
+in the part of the country in which they are made, tinned meats and
+fruits that look suspiciously like condemned provisions or unsavoury
+salvage; in fact the only really genuine article of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> diet was that
+contained in the milk-pails. I may here remark that these alien steerage
+passengers don't really care for wholesome food. Nothing could be better
+than the excellent food prepared by the ship's steward, but these
+emigrants prefer to bring with them provisions that beggar description.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/img045.jpg" width="500" height="400" alt="BOG-OAK SOUVENIRS." title="" />
+<span class="caption">BOG-OAK SOUVENIRS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>All the time the Irish purveyors are emptying their baskets and filling
+their pockets, and rowing back to the shore enriched and delighted;
+their brothers and sisters are flowing up the gangway in a continual
+stream, with weeping eyes and breaking hearts at the thought of leaving
+their country perhaps for ever; and as soon as they are all on board,
+together with the mails, which have come overland to Queenstown, we up
+anchor, steam past Fastnet Rock, and soon the Old World is out of sight
+behind us.</p>
+
+<p>But all this is a thing of the past. Ladies are not now pulled up on to
+the deck, nor is the promenade turned into a miniature Irish fair. When
+last the boat stopped as usual in Queenstown bay I sadly missed the
+familiar scene, and having nothing better to do I went on shore. As a
+number of us strolled off the tender on which the mails were to return I
+noticed two men in ordinary dress standing some distance off, looking on
+at the scene. They were both fine specimens of humanity, each of them
+about six feet high. "Detectives," I whispered to one of my friends. And
+as we approached these gentlemen, I said to one of them, "Looking for
+anyone this morning?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not for you, Mr. Furniss."</p>
+
+<p>Considering I had never been in Queenstown in my life, that I had never
+been in the grip of these "sleuth-hounds" of the police, I must admit
+that the British detective is not so stupid as we generally imagine, for
+no doubt these men knew by telegraph the name of everybody on board and
+amused themselves by placing us as I had amused myself by placing them.</p>
+
+<p>The Captain generally has some voyager under his special care, and my
+vis-&agrave;-vis, his prot&eacute;g&eacute;e upon this trip, was a most charming and
+delightful young lady on her way to rejoin her family in the Far West.
+The skipper's seat is vacant at breakfast time, and should the weather
+be rough, at the other meals also. If the elements are very boisterous,
+the "fiddles" are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> screwed on to the tables, and on them a lively tune
+is played by the jingling glasses and rattling cutlery to the erratic
+beating of the Atlantic wave. The Captain's right and left hand
+neighbours are exempt from the use of these appliances, and the small
+area caused by this is the only space in the yards and yards of table
+unencumbered by the "fiddles." The Captain scorns the aid of such
+mechanical contrivances, and chatters away unconcerned, gracefully
+balancing his soup-plate in his hands the while. I followed his example
+as one to the manner born, but had I not been a bit of an amateur
+conjuror I am afraid that I should not have been so successful. The
+Captain challenged me, however, to make a sketch with the same ease as I
+ate my dinner&mdash;and again I was forced to break my pledge!</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img047.jpg" width="650" height="427" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE CAPTAIN&#39;S TABLE.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>It was amusing to listen to the petty jealousies and the little
+grumblings of those not satisfied with their lot at table. One lady
+stated as an excuse for having her meals in her cabin that her
+neighbour, a bagman&mdash;or "drummer," as Americans would call him&mdash;made a
+noise with his mouth while eating; and another<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> lady elected to dine in
+her stateroom in solitude because in the saloon she had her back to a
+Bishop instead of her face!</p>
+
+<p>It was my good fortune to meet on board that most genial and gifted of
+men, "England's greatest tenor," Mr. Edward Lloyd, who under the
+management of that equally genial and energetic impresario, Mr. Vert,
+was on his way to charm the ears of our cousins on the other side. Then
+we had one of the greatest favourites in the sporting world, who was
+popping over, as he had been continually doing from his earliest youth,
+to look after his estates in his native country. From the Captain down
+to the under stokers he had been with all a familiar figure for many
+years, and he had a pleasant word and a shake of the hands for
+everybody. He could give you the straight tip for the Derby, was a fund
+of information anent the latest weights for the big handicaps, and on
+our arrival in the States it was with general satisfaction that we
+learnt that one of his horses had won a race while its owner was
+crossing the "Herring Pond."</p>
+
+<p>We had yet another celebrity on board in the person of the bright little
+Italian whose clever caricatures, especially those of Newmarket and
+Newmarket celebrities, so delight us in the pages of <i>Vanity Fair</i> over
+the <i>nom de crayon</i> "Lib." I think he caused us as much amusement as his
+sketches, caricaturing everybody on board, not even excepting himself,
+whom he most truthfully depicted as a common or barn owl. Or was it I
+who drew him as the owl? I forget. But I do know that he looked
+uncommonly like one as a rule, for he used to lie wrapped in his
+Inverness upon a deck chair, his face only visible, with pallid cheeks
+and distended eyes, and I did more than one caricature of him for his
+fair admirers. That was on the rough days, for like a great many
+foreigners, and English people too for the matter of that, he was a bad
+sailor. Fortunately for me, I am a hardened sailor, and as such cannot
+feel the amount of consideration I should otherwise do for those less
+lucky than myself.</p>
+
+<p>When the weather was calm I used to notice my Italian friend seated,
+surrounded by the ladies, with an air of triumph and a smile upon his
+intelligent visage. He was having his revenge!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> When he was not
+sketching, he was playing chess with the Captain.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 308px;">
+<img src="images/img049.jpg" width="308" height="450" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">NOT UP IN A BALLOON.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Now this commander was a captain from the top of his head to the soles
+of his feet. A stern disciplinarian, erect, handsome, uncommunicative,
+not a better officer ever stood on the bridge of an Atlantic or any
+other liner. He had a contempt for the "Herring Pond," and manipulated
+one of these floating hotels with as much ease as one would handle a toy
+boat. "When a navigator's duty's to be done," he was <i>par excellence</i> a
+modern C&aelig;sar, but despite his sternness he had a sense of humour, and
+his unbending moments struck one with an emphasised surprise.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>He could not bear a bore. Those fussy landlubbers who are always tapping
+the barometers, asking questions of every member of the crew, testing,
+sounding, and finding fault with the weather chart, had better steer
+clear of the worthy Captain, as with hands thrust deep in his pockets he
+strides from one end of the deck to the other during the course of his
+constitutional. It is on record that one of these fussy individuals,
+edging up to a well-known Captain as he was going on to the bridge when
+a mist was gathering, and the siren was about to blow as customary when
+entering on an Atlantic fog, remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"Captain, Captain, can't you see that it is quite clear overhead?"</p>
+
+<p>The Captain turned on his heel to ascend to the bridge, and scornfully
+rejoined:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir, yes, sir; but can't you see that I am not navigating a
+balloon?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>On one occasion the Captain had been through a terribly stormy afternoon
+and night, and had not quitted his post on the bridge for one minute,
+the weather being awful. Fogs, icebergs, and the elements all combined
+to make it a most anxious time for the one man in charge of the valuable
+vessel and her cargo of 1,700 souls, and during the whole period the
+unflinching skipper had not tasted a mouthful of food. The Captain's
+boy, feeling for his master, had from time to time endeavoured with some
+succulent morsel to make him break his long fast; but the firm face of
+the Captain was set, his eyes were fixed straight ahead, and his ears
+were deaf to the lad's appeal. It was breakfast time when the boy once
+more ventured to ask the Captain if he could bring him something to eat.
+This time he got an answer.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," growled the Captain, "bring me two larks' livers on toast!"</p>
+
+<p>These Atlantic Captains of the older school were a hardened and humorous
+lot of navigators, and many a story of their eccentricity survives them:
+one in particular of an old Captain seeing the terror of the junior
+officer during that nervous ordeal of treading the bridge for the first
+time with him. This particular old salt, after a painful silence, turned
+on the young man and said, "I like you. I'm very much impressed by you.
+I've heard a lot about you&mdash;in fact, my dear sir, I should like to have
+your photograph. You skip down and get it."</p>
+
+<p>The nervous and delighted youth rushed off to his cabin, and informed
+his brother officers of the compliment the old man had just paid him. He
+was in luck's way, and running gaily up on to the bridge, presented his
+photograph, blushing modestly, to the old salt.</p>
+
+<p>"'Umph! Got a pin with you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ye&mdash;es, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, see! I pin you up on the canvas here. I can look at you there and
+admire you. You can go, sir; your photograph is just as valuable as you
+appear to be on the bridge. Good morning."</p>
+
+<p>The Captain of the ship I was on had his chessmen pegged,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> and holes in
+the board into which to place them, so that despite any oscillations of
+the ship they would remain in their places; but the unfortunate part of
+the business was that although he could provide sea-legs for his
+chessmen it was more than he could do for his opponent, and it was as
+good as a play to see Signor "Lib" hiding from the Captain when the
+weather was not all it might be, and he in consequence felt anything but
+well. One mate after another would be despatched with the strictest
+orders from the Captain to search for the cheerless chessite; but after
+a time the Captain's patience would be exhausted, his strident voice
+could be heard calling upon the caricaturist to come forth and show
+himself, and eventually he might be seen <i>en route</i> to his cabin with
+the box of chessmen under one arm and his opponent under the other.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img051.jpg" width="600" height="533" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">CHESS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I was cruel enough on more than one occasion to follow them and witness
+the sequel.</p>
+
+<p>"Your move, now&mdash;your move!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, Captain! I do veel zo ill! Ze ship it do go up and down, up and
+down, until I do not know vich is ze bishop and vich is ze queen!"</p>
+
+<p>"Nonsense, sir, nonsense! Your move&mdash;look sharp, and I'll soon have you
+mated!"</p>
+
+<p>The poor artist <i>did</i> move, and quickly too, but it was to the outside
+of the cabin!</p>
+
+<p>The Captain was triumphant at table, telling us of his victory, but his
+poor opponent could only point to his untouched plate and to the waves
+dashing against the portholes, and with that shrug of the shoulders, so
+suggestive to witness but so difficult to describe, would thus in dumb
+show explain the cause of his defeat.</p>
+
+<p>I remember well on one beautiful afternoon, the sky bright and the sea
+calm, just before the pilot came on board when we were nearing the
+States, Signor Prosperi (for that was his name) came up to me, his face
+the very embodiment of triumph:</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, I have beaten ze Captain at last&mdash;<i>but ze sea is smooth</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>On the outward voyage, as I said before, we had a host in Mr. Edward
+Lloyd, but he was under contract not to warble until a certain day which
+had been fixed in New York, and no doubt his presence had a deterrent
+effect upon the amateur talent, with the exception of one lady, who came
+up to Mr. Lloyd and said:</p>
+
+<p>"You really <i>must</i> sing;&mdash;you really <i>must</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>"I am very sorry, madam, but I really can't&mdash;I am not my own master in
+this matter."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, but you must," she rejoined. "I have promised that if you will
+sing, <i>I</i> will!"</p>
+
+<p>An American who had "made his pile," as the Yankees say, remarked to the
+hard-worked vocalist:</p>
+
+<p>"I think, sir, that as you are endowed with such a beautiful voice you
+ought by it to benefit such a deserving entertainment as this."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/img053.jpg" width="450" height="606" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. LLOYD AND THE LADY. &quot;IF YOU WILL SING, <i>I</i> WILL!&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Certainly," replied the world-famed tenor. "My fee for singing is fifty
+guineas, and I will be pleased to oblige the company if you will pay a
+cheque for that amount into the sailors' fund."</p>
+
+
+
+<p>And, in my opinion, a right good answer too. These middle-men and their
+wives and daughters are always pestering professional men to give their
+services to charities for nothing, but in cases like the one I have just
+cited they take very good care that they do not unloosen their own
+purse-strings to help the cause along and equalise the obligation.</p>
+
+<p>However the concert took place, and I, unable to resist the flattering
+request to "do something," and not being prohibited from taking part&mdash;as
+Mr. Lloyd was&mdash;made several sketches, just to keep my hand in, and they
+were raffled for.</p>
+
+<p>All goes well and smoothly on the voyage until one night you are
+awakened by a harsh, grating, shrieking sound. You start from your
+slumbers, and for a moment imagine that in reality you are in the
+interior of some fearsome ocean monster, who is bellowing either in rage
+or fear, for the sound is unique in its wild hideousness, half a screech
+and half a wail, aggressive and yet mournful. Your ears have just
+recovered from the first shock when they are assaulted by another, and
+yet another, at intervals of about a minute. It is the voice of the
+siren. Was ever a more inappropriate name bestowed upon the steam<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>
+whistle of an Atlantic liner? It conveys to me the news that we are
+passing through an Atlantic fog, and I defy anyone, be they in the most
+perfect ship, under the safest of commanders, to feel comfortable in
+such circumstances. The siren still wails, and like Ulysses and his
+companions I feel very much inclined to stuff my ears with wax. Indeed,
+peering out of my porthole through the mist, I almost seem to see the
+figures of the mythological voyager and his companions carved in ice, no
+doubt beguiled by the treacherous music of the siren. These are in
+reality our main terrors, the icebergs.</p>
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" summary="THE AMERICAN PILOT">
+<tr>
+<td align='center'><img src="images/img054a.jpg" width="302" height="400"
+             alt="THE AMERICAN PILOT&mdash;IDEAL." /><br />
+         </td>
+
+<td align='center'><img src="images/img054b.jpg" width="300" height="280"
+             alt="THE AMERICAN PILOT&mdash;REAL." /><br />
+         </td>
+</tr>
+<tr><td align='center'><small><b>THE AMERICAN PILOT&mdash;IDEAL.</b></small></td><td align='center'><small><b>THE AMERICAN PILOT&mdash;REAL.</b></small></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+<p>It is a relief when we have left them behind and evaded the clutches of
+the demon fog, and the fresh breeze and the glorious sun lend a new
+beauty to the sparkling water, showing us in the distance white specks
+skimming over the waves like gulls, the first sign that we are
+approaching land&mdash;the white gleaming wings of the pilot yachts.</p>
+
+<p>Signals are exchanged, and one of these boats comes nearer and nearer to
+us, tacking to perfection. Through our glasses we already seem to see
+the stalwart figure of the pilot standing in the stern. On his brow he
+wears a storm-defying cap, the badge of the warrior of the waves; the
+loose shirt, the top boots, and the weather-beaten jacket all combine to
+make up a picturesque figure, and I sketched what seemed to me to be the
+figure of the man who was coming on board to guide us to the Hook of
+Sandy. As<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> the little vessel approaches us the intervening sail hides
+from my view the figure of the one man I want to see. A boat is lowered
+from the side of the pilot boat, into which two sailors descend. Who on
+earth is this who steps in after them and takes the rudder lines? He
+sports a top hat, kid gloves, and patent shoes. Is he a commercial
+traveller? He looks it. He is rowed to the side of the steamer, and then
+the fun begins. A rope ladder is lowered from the deck, which is
+immediately clutched by one of the oarsmen in the boat, and this
+commonplace commercial scrambles towards it. Just then a wave breaks
+over him, and more like a drowned excursionist than an American pilot
+this little man is hauled on board.</p>
+
+<p>I think a great deal of the Atlantic, but I am sorely disappointed with
+the American pilot.</p>
+
+<p>The Americans pride themselves upon their independence, and surely a
+more independent race never existed. The brow-beaten Britisher is not
+long in finding this out, and in my case it was most clearly
+demonstrated to me at the first stoppage of the steamer after leaving
+Queenstown. After our headlong race across the broad Atlantic, after
+every nut and screw in the vessel has been strained to save every
+particle of time, and every moment watched and calculated, here at the
+mouth of the Hudson, in sight of the colossal statue of Liberty, we are
+kept waiting under a broiling sun on a beautiful day for an
+unconscionable time whilst forsooth the health officer or his
+subordinate is enjoying his lunch. Fancy 1,700 foreigners being kept
+waiting because a paid official&mdash;paid by the shipowners of
+England&mdash;wishes to satisfy his selfish greediness!</p>
+
+<p>I watched for this gentleman as he crawled on board, having come across
+eventually from his riparian villa. There were no apologies (Americans
+never apologise). I don't know the gentleman's name, but here I show you
+his face. His check I have described already.</p>
+
+<p>Now that I have touched on America itself, I wish it to be understood
+that it is not my intention to look out for and comment upon the faults
+of our American cousins, but rather in describing my all too brief
+visits to a charming people in a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> charming country to deal with their
+merits. But it is proverbial that first impressions are everything, and
+the first I received of official America, in the person of this
+particular individual, was the only instance I saw which would not
+compare favourably with the red-tapeism of our own country. And I must
+say, from what I was told even by Americans themselves, that the worst
+side of their countrymen is to be seen where the official department is
+concerned, and to illustrate this I shall still stick to the official
+(or his representative, whichever it was) that I have just been
+describing.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img056.jpg" width="650" height="379" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE HEALTH OFFICER COMES ON BOARD.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The ship which followed that in which I came over brought from England
+some persons who were at the time the talk of American society. They had
+been connected with some gigantic scandal, and the interviewers,
+scenting copy from afar, were ready to spring upon them. Of course, it
+was known that it was to the interest of the reporters (and they were
+only doing their duty) to get on board at Sandy Hook, and to frustrate
+them a special steamer was sent down with instructions to the captain of
+the liner that no one was to accompany the officer of health on board.
+The medical officer came in his tug with the whole batch of reporters,
+and declared that he would not permit the vessel to proceed into port
+unless his friends were allowed on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> board. The almighty dollar had
+polluted officialism, and disclosed to the incoming strangers that the
+huge statue of Liberty before them, which held on high the torch of
+advancement and enlightenment, was really a snare and a delusion, at any
+rate as far as red-tapeism was concerned.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 286px;">
+<img src="images/img057.jpg" width="286" height="344" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">JUST IN TIME!</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>And so I arrived after a week's thorough rest, with my sketch-book full!
+I could not help breaking my pledge; it was my first trip across the
+Atlantic, and everything was therefore new and interesting. In fact, so
+was all I saw in the States, and my pencil was always busy. I was
+looking forward to a genuine rest on my return journey, but it happened
+to be in the crowded season, and the ship was so full I was asked, as a
+particular favour to "a very distinguished cleric," to share my cabin
+with him.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The departure of an Atlantic liner has a great attraction on both sides
+of the "Herring Pond," but there is a difference. Passengers leaving
+England are surrounded with cheap and vulgar literature, newspapers,
+guide-books, sticks, and umbrellas. Leaving America, the liner is turned
+into a floating flower show. Most beautiful bouquets labelled with the
+names of the lady passengers are on view in the saloon. Just as the last
+gangway is drawn on to the shore, amid cries of "Clear away!" we hear
+suddenly "Hold hard!" There is a commotion. Someone has not yet arrived;
+we lean over the side of the ship to see who is coming. Perhaps it is an
+important emissary of the Government, or even the President himself. We
+all push forward; the stalwart New York police keep back the crowd; the
+crew of the good ship <i>Majestic</i> hold the gangway in its place as the
+centre of attraction trips gaily up it. It is a diminutive nigger
+messenger from a florist's, with a huge bouquet of flowers. I imagine I
+see my own name on the label, so I modestly seclude myself in my own
+cabin, whence I only emerge after we have passed Bartholdi's colossal
+figure, just to have one last peep at the country in which I have stored
+up such pleasant memories.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 403px;">
+<img src="images/img058.jpg" width="403" height="450" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&quot;A FLOATING FLOWER SHOW.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>By this time the bouquets of the flower show had been transferred to the
+cabins of their owners. I may mention, by the way, that the cynical lady
+on board, who wore a solitary bunch of faded violets in her dress,
+informed me that most of the ladies paid for the bouquets themselves,
+and had them sent on board with their names attached. I don't wish to
+seem egotistical, but I know that when I went back to my own cabin I
+found the greatest difficulty in forcing the door open. There was a huge
+bundle of something or other pressing against it. A fragrant scent was
+wafted through the opening, which sent a thrill through me. It must be
+the big bouquet! I gave one final shove, burst the door open, and
+discovered the bouquet to be a bishop, who was scenting his handkerchief
+at the time with otto of roses. It was worth the journey to America to
+have the honour of sharing a cabin with a bishop on the return journey.
+But what a contrast between us! What a theme for W. S. Gilbert! <i>Punch</i>
+and the pulpit rocked together in the cradle of the deep!</p>
+
+<p>When I first came on board I made arrangements at once with the bath
+steward, and, being rather an early bird, I fixed my time to be called
+at seven o'clock. When I retired to the cabin I found the worthy bishop
+(he is now Lord Primate of Ireland) looking plaintively at his berth.
+Like all on board it was roomy and comfortable, but probably Sir Edward
+Harland had not taken the portly prelate (who, by the way, is almost a
+neighbour of his) as a gauge for the size of the berths. Mine was, if
+anything, a trifle larger, so I respectfully invited the bishop to
+change with me.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img059.jpg" width="650" height="453" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE BATH STEWARD AND THE BISHOP. &quot;YOUR TIME, SIR! YOUR
+TIME!&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>I was awakened next morning by assault and battery being committed on
+the poor bishop, of which I was the innocent cause. An athletic-looking
+man, with a white jacket, and sleeves rolled up to his elbows, was
+shaking the very life out of my clerical friend and shouting "Seven
+o'clock! Your time, sir! Seven o'clock! Your time!" The bishop looked
+something like a criminal sentenced to death must do when the hangman
+awakes him on the fatal morning, and I had to explain to the bath
+steward that we had changed berths, and that in future No. 2 was to be
+awakened instead of No. 1.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps it is not generally known that suicide is nearly as prevalent as
+<i>mal de mer</i> amongst these Americans who are rushing over for a few
+weeks' repose. They work at such a fearful rate, slaves to that
+insatiable god the almighty dollar, that eventually they either have to
+fly to a lunatic asylum or an Atlantic liner. After a day or two on the
+latter the calm and repose and the vast sea around them prove too much
+of an antidote; the overtaxed brain gives way, and overboard they go.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>
+An Englishman is too fond of exercise to allow high pressure to get the
+better of him in this way, and the difference between English and
+American people on these liners is most marked. Directly an American
+family comes on board they select places for their deck chairs, which,
+except for meals, they never leave. From early morning until late at
+night, much to the astonishment of the Americans, the English
+passengers&mdash;men, women, and children&mdash;pace the deck as if it were a
+go-as-you-please contest for immense prizes. Being a good sailor but a
+bad sleeper, I think I fairly qualified for first prize. Morning, noon,
+and night, round and round those magnificent decks I went, to the
+disgust and envy of those who could not move off their deck chairs, and
+who loathed the very sight of me.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img060.jpg" width="650" height="365" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AMERICANS AND ENGLISH ON DECK.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>It so happened that together with a few other privileged passengers I
+dined a little later than the rest, so I had an opportunity of observing
+the weak ones suffering on deck whilst others were struggling with their
+meals below, and I promenaded round that deck, battling with the
+elements to get an extra edge on my excellent appetite. I remember that
+when passing some ladies on my way down to dinner, they feebly
+endeavouring to eat a biscuit or two and drink a glass of champagne, one
+turned<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> her pallid face to another and murmured, "I <i>am</i> so glad that
+energetic little man has been obliged to give in at last!"</p>
+
+<p>They ought to have seen me at the table half-an-hour afterwards, that's
+all!</p>
+
+<p>That reminds me of my friend poor Alfred Cellier, who was wintering in
+the South once at the same time as we were there for my wife's health. I
+was returning from a meet one day, hot and mud-bespattered, when I met
+the talented musician walking feebly along in the sun with his furs on.
+He called to me to stop, which I did, and his dreamy, good-natured face
+assumed a most malevolent expression as he hissed at me, "I hate you! I
+hate you! <i>You look so beastly healthy.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Even on board ship the American still clings to his iced water, but some
+think it is time to train for the European habit of taking wine at
+dinner. I noticed a Westerner who with his wife was sitting down for
+probably the first time to <i>table d'h&ocirc;te</i>. He took up the wine list, and
+went right through the sherries, hocks, clarets, champagnes, and even
+liqueurs. Now at the end of the wine lists on these vessels there is
+appended a list of various mineral waters. The names of these (or was it
+the price?) seemed to take the fancy of the American. "I guess this
+<i>Hunyadi Janos</i> sounds well&mdash;I calculate if you put a bottle of that on
+ice it'll do us just right."</p>
+
+<p>Sailors are superstitious. Some will, or used to, rob themselves of the
+necessities of life to purchase a baby's "caul," and wear it around
+their neck as a charm.</p>
+
+<p>To sail out of harbour on a Friday was unheard of. In these days of
+science, days in which steam has driven the old frigate-rigged sailing
+ships from the seas, one would have thought that superstition would have
+vanished with the old hulks, and that in the floating palaces crossing
+the Atlantic, in which longshoremen take the place of old-time sea-dogs,
+charms and omens would have lost their power. Yet sailor superstitions
+are as hard to kill even in these gorgeous up-to-date liners as it is to
+exterminate the rats in the hold or the cockroaches in the larder.</p>
+
+<p>The last journey I made to America was in the favourite<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> liner the
+<i>Germanic</i>. I was chatting to one of the crew, an old salt, the day we
+left Queenstown; he was looking out to sea; his brow was clouded, and he
+shook his head mournfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Are we in for a bad passage?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't know yet, sir; aren't seen all them on board yet. We had a
+terrible passage the week afore last goin' East, but I expected it. We
+'ad an Archbishop on board!"</p>
+
+<p>I informed him that on the present journey we had two priests on board,
+and two professional atheists&mdash;"so what kind of passage were we to
+expect?"</p>
+
+<p>After a moment's serious thought the mariner replied, "I think, sir, we
+may reckon we shall have an average." And curious to relate we did.</p>
+
+<p>The two Freethinkers who thus balanced the ecclesiastics were Messrs.
+Foote and Watts, who were on a mission to America to induce Colonel
+Robert G. Ingersoll to visit England.</p>
+
+<p>The stranger in America, if he be a public man in his own country, is
+treated like a suspected criminal. Every movement is watched, every
+action reported, and as he passes from city to city a description and
+report precedes him, and there is an eye, or rather a couple of dozen
+eyes, to mark his coming and grow keener when he comes.</p>
+
+<p>But he is watched by friends, not by detectives, and his actions are
+reported in public prints, not in private ledgers. It is not the arm of
+the law, but the hand of friendship, that shadows him, and those
+stereotyped passports to friendship, letters of introduction from
+friends at home, are as needless to introduce him as a life-preserver or
+a Colt's revolver to protect him. He had better amuse himself while in
+mid-ocean by presenting them to the porpoises that dive and splutter
+round the ship, for the only object they will accomplish will be the
+filling of his waste-paper basket on his return home.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img063.jpg" width="650" height="376" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AMERICAN INTERVIEWING&mdash;IMAGINARY.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img064.jpg" width="650" height="464" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AMERICAN INTERVIEWING&mdash;REAL.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Major Hospitality arrested me the moment I arrived, and handed me over
+to the Inky Inquisition&mdash;eight gentlemen of the Press&mdash;who placed me on
+the interviewer's rack at the demand of insatiable modern journalism. I
+scraped through the ordeal as well as could be expected in the
+circumstances,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> considering I hadn't yet acquired my land-legs. The
+raging waves may roar their loudest, and the stormy winds may blow their
+hardest, but they don't affect me. It is only when I find myself on
+<i>terra firma</i> once more that I feel any effects from an ocean trip. For
+the benefit of those who are subject to <i>mal de mer</i> I will disclose my
+prescription to act as a reliable safeguard, and that is to mesmerise
+yourself so that once on board no sensations seem to you strange or
+unwonted. The only drawback is that I have not yet discovered how to
+unmesmerise myself, although my theory worked splendidly when on board,
+so that when I get on shore I feel as if I were still on the sea. I am
+always ducking breakers, descending companion ladders, and I roll across
+the street as if it were the deck of a liner. Every building I enter
+seems to be rocking up and down, up and down, and as on the occasion I
+refer to I sat before the knights of the quill to be cross-examined, I
+felt as if I were in the cabin of a ship rather than in my own room at
+the hotel, and that the books on the table were in reality fiddles to
+keep the glasses and other things from falling off.</p>
+
+<p>It is, therefore, not to be wondered at that the next day I find myself
+described as "not a well man," although "his face is ruddy," and "his
+blue eyes have a tired look and his hand is not so steady as it might
+be." I would like to know whose hand would be steady if, after six days
+of Atlantic travel, he was landed to find himself suddenly confronted
+with eight talented gentlemen, cross-questioning him <i>ad lib.</i>,
+measuring the length of his foot, counting the buttons on his coat, and
+the hairs on his head, and if, after his tiring journey, he happened to
+yawn, looking to see whether he had false teeth or not!</p>
+
+<p>And then to be handed a bad pen and worse paper, and have to draw
+pictures in pen and ink, in the space of five minutes, for the eight
+gentlemen who were watching to see "how it's done"! I have sketched
+crowned heads on their thrones, bishops in their pulpits, thieves in
+their dens, and beauties in their drawing-rooms; but I never felt such
+nervousness as I did when I had to caricature myself on the occasion of
+my first experience of American interviewing.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>In my seeing America in a hurry, I addressed the reporters somewhat in
+this fashion:</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img066.jpg" width="650" height="272" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&quot;SANDY.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"I am not disappointed with anything I have seen. I was told that I
+would find the worst-paved streets in the world. I have found them. I
+was told that I would see unsightly, old-fashioned telegraph-poles
+sticking up in the streets. I have seen them. I was told that I would
+have to pay a small fortune for my cab from the docks to my hotel. I
+have paid it. I was told that a newspaper reporter would ask me what I
+thought of America as soon as I landed. I am asked that question by
+eight gentlemen of the Press; indeed, I was interrogated upon that point
+by the representative of a leading American paper before I left the
+shores of England. I was told that I would find the most charming and
+best-dressed women in the world. That promise is more than realised.</p>
+
+<p>"I find New York as bright as Paris, as busy as London, as interesting
+as Rome, and, in fact, I am so delighted and bewildered with everybody
+and everything that, like the old lady's parrot, I don't say much, but I
+think a deal; and now my difficulty is to convey those thoughts to the
+public through the medium of your valuable papers."</p>
+
+<p>Scores of Columbuses arrive at Sandy Hook every week to discover America
+for themselves, from Charles Columbus Dickens to Rudyard Columbus
+Kipling, to say nothing of Tom, Dick, Harry Columbus Brown, Jones,
+Robinson. It is hardly fair to say that they go over with their pockets
+full of letters of introduction to their American cousins, who receive
+them with open arms and unlimited hospitality, and then that these Toms,
+Dicks, and Harrys bring back in exchange notes for columns of ridicule
+and abuse of their Transatlantic friends. If our Americans <i>have</i> a
+fault, it is a very slight one. They are too<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> sensitive. They seem to
+forget that they receive and honour some of our countrymen as critics
+and satirists, but they expect that on leaving their shores their late
+guests will wash off the critical and satirical sides of their natures
+just as an actor removes his paint and make-up on leaving the boards.</p>
+
+<p>Americans, both publicly and privately, are incessantly interviewing the
+stranger: "What do you think of our great country? What do you think of
+ourselves?" They live in a glass house filled with forced young plants,
+from out of which house they may throw stones at the stranger, but woe
+betide the critic who has the temerity to cast one in return. He gets
+his impressions from the hothouse society snobs reared in the hotels of
+the cities, the dollar worshipper, the vulgar millionaire, made more
+obnoxious by the newer European importation, happily a plant not true to
+the American soil. We strangers too often see but the cut flowers,
+showy, glaring, to-day; jaded, gone to-morrow. We do not see the
+cultured orchid or the natural wild flowers of America, for the simple
+reason we do not look for them in seeing that wonderful country in a
+hurry.</p>
+
+<p>My first impression of New York was that of a faded back-cloth in a
+melodrama; but when you get upon the stage, or, in other words, into the
+streets, you find yourself amid a transformation scene of wonderful
+activity and brilliancy. Some of the streets, in fact most of them in
+which business is transacted, resemble strongly the shop scenes in
+harlequinades, for the Americans have carried advertising so far that
+their streets of shops, and especially those in New York, are simply
+museums of grotesque advertisement.</p>
+
+<p>Gigantic hands advertising gloves, huge hats, boots, and animals form a
+heterogeneous collection of anything but beautiful models, gilded and
+painted in all the most flaming colours, piled on top of each other on
+every house from street level to attic, each tradesman vieing with the
+other in screeching to the public to "Buy! buy!! buy!!!" by means of the
+curiosities and monstrosities of the advertiser's art.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 335px;">
+<img src="images/img068.jpg" width="335" height="450" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">CHIROPODY.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>A few years ago a celebrated Continental authoress came to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> London for
+the first time, in the height of the season, to stay a week in order to
+get her impressions for a book she was writing, in which the heroine had
+flown to London for that period of time. She went everywhere and saw
+everything; just before she left London I asked her what had impressed
+her most of all she had seen. In reply she said, "The fact that the
+drivers of public vehicles never cracked their whips!"</p>
+
+
+
+<p>If I were asked what impressed me most about New York, I should not say
+Brooklyn Bridge, or Wall Street, or the Elevated Railway, but the number
+of chiropodists' advertisements! They confront you at every turn; these
+huge gilded models of feet outside the chiropodists' establishments,
+some painted realistically and many adorned with bunions, are destined
+to meet your eye as you stroll through the streets. Should you look up,
+you will see them suspended from the first floor window, or painted on
+canvas on the front of the house. Avoid the shops altogether, and you
+are bound to knock up against some gentleman in the gutter encased in a
+long white waterproof, on which is portrayed the inevitable foot and the
+name and address of the chiropodist.</p>
+
+
+<p>Now why is this? The Americans have pretty feet and small hands, both
+men and women. Is it vanity, and do they squeeze their feet into boots
+too small for them, or are their pedal coverings badly made, or does the
+secret lie in the rough pavements of their thoroughfares? I am glad to
+say that I never required the services of a foot doctor, but I know that
+my feet have ached many and many a time after promenading the New York
+pathways.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>New York ought to be called New Trilby.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 391px;">
+<img src="images/img069.jpg" width="391" height="500" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&quot;NEW TRILBY.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I was offered more than once an open cheque which I might fill in to
+cover all my expenses from the time I left England until I reached the
+shores of the Old Country again if I would supply a journal with <i>one
+page</i> of impressions of America illustrated. A suggestion of this sort
+in an English newspaper office would have just about the same effect as
+a big canister of dynamite! I didn't accept any of these tempting
+offers. I didn't go to the States on my first visit to paint glaring
+pictures, or to make up stories, or to marry an American heiress, nor
+did I go in search of the almighty dollar. I simply went as a tourist in
+search of health, and with the desire of shaking hands with my many
+friends on the other side.</p>
+
+
+<p>I was therefore extremely annoyed on my arrival to find the
+irrepressible lecture agent, Major Pond, had coolly announced that I was
+going over to him, and he had actually taken rooms for me at the Everett
+House! Of course I informed the interviewers that I was not going to
+tour with Pond or to make money in any way. I was merely a bird of
+passage, a <i>rara avis</i>, a visitor without an eye on the almighty dollar.</p>
+
+<p>After I returned to England an irresponsible paragraphist<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> informed the
+American public that I went home determined to give it to them hot. This
+contradiction of mine appeared, and was sent to me by the Major. Note in
+it I contradict his report that I went over in his interests.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 573px;">
+<img src="images/img70a.jpg" width="573" height="600" alt="" title="AMIABLE MR. HARRY FURNISS" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Major Pond is a typical American, hospitable, kind, with an eye for
+business, but I do not appear in his entertaining book, nor was I ever
+on his business books either. He sat for me on the shoeblack's street
+chair outside his office when I made a sketch of him, and he was so
+obliging I believe he would have stood on his head if I had asked him.
+He managed to get me to stand in front of the camera, but not in front
+of an audience.</p>
+
+
+<p>Some day I shall write a paper entitled "Photographers I Have Met," for
+few people have faced the fire of the camera oftener than I. I am not a
+fashionable beauty, nor much of a celebrity, neither am I honestly a
+vain man&mdash;I shrink from the rays of the too truthful lens&mdash;but I have
+been dragged into the line of fire and held there until the deed is
+done, like an unwilling convict. In nearly every town I have visited
+have I undergone this operation, and the result is a collection of
+criminal-looking, contorted countenances of a description seldom seen
+outside the museum of a police station.</p>
+
+<p><a name="MAJOR_POND" id="MAJOR_POND"></a></p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 253px;">
+<img src="images/img070b.jpg" width="253" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MAJOR POND.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I was therefore determined not to incur this risk in America.
+Photographers sent their cards, but they saw me not (perhaps if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> they
+had they would have repented of their invitation). However, one day I
+was secured by stratagem.</p>
+
+<p>I was walking along Union Square with Major Pond, whose martial bearing
+impressed me as much as his 'cuteness fascinated me. He had that morning
+heard of my determination not to be photographed, and as he walked along
+he suddenly stepped into a doorway, his arm in mine, touched a button in
+a side panel, down rushed an elevator, the door was flung open, and I
+was flung in. "Sarony," said the Major, and up, up, up we flew.</p>
+
+<p>"The photographer?" I asked hurriedly.</p>
+
+<p>"The artist," the Major replied; "one of the greatest flesh drawers"
+(nude studies) "we have in this gr&mdash;e&mdash;a&mdash;t country, sir. Here he is,
+deaf to everything but art, and to everyone but artists."</p>
+
+<p>Who can say photography is not high art when you have to go up seven
+stories to it?</p>
+
+<p>I now stood before the greatest photographer in the world&mdash;and the
+smallest. I stood&mdash;he danced. He talked&mdash;I listened.</p>
+
+<p>"Come here," he cried; "you are an artist&mdash;you can understand
+genius&mdash;you can appreciate my work."</p>
+
+<p>And he produced from a portfolio a quantity of studies, or, as the Major
+would call them, "flesh drawings," prettily touched in with the stump
+and chalk with a <i>chic</i> familiar to those who know the facility of the
+French school. He patted me on the shoulder, kissed his hand to his
+work, and fell into raptures over the human form divine with an
+earnestness which showed him to be a true artist. With his sitter in
+front of him he was even more enthusiastic, placing you into position,
+and striking attitudes in front of you till you felt inclined to dance
+"Ta ra ra boom de ay" instead of remaining rigid. I pointed out to him
+that my hair being of an auburn hue, that on my chin and the remnant on
+my head came out black.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, we shall alter that," he said, and he powdered my head. "And now to
+counteract that&mdash;here goes!" and with some soot or charcoal he touched
+over the scanty parts on my "dome of thought." During this process I
+noticed that his own luxurious head of hair was not a fixture. He wore a
+fez, and as he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> paused and pirouetted and struck attitudes, he would
+pull the fez over one eye coquettishly, or over the other one
+ferociously, and with it went his hair, parting and all. It is no wonder
+this energetic photographer was so successful with the instantaneous
+process, or that he so cleverly caught in the lens theatrical dancers
+and others in motion to perfection. Of the most successful of his photos
+that I saw was that of a row of comedians dancing together, and although
+I was not present at the moment the photograph was taken, I have no
+doubt, from the pleasant smile of their faces and their artistic poses,
+that all credit was due to the late Sarony.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 313px;">
+<img src="images/img072.jpg" width="313" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE GREAT SARONY.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The Major had his "Bureau" in Everett House. There he arranged for his
+"stars," and there under false pretences he decoyed me, and there for
+the first time initiated me into the obnoxious habit of drinking iced
+water.</p>
+
+<p>Most people are aware that in Nicaragua there dwell a tribe who
+gradually kill themselves by an extraordinary predilection for eating a
+certain kind of clay. These people are of the lowest order, and may
+therefore be pardoned for their foolishness in turning themselves into
+plaster casts; but why the enlightened Americans choose to convert
+themselves into walking icebergs through drinking so much iced water is
+unaccountable to the alien. They certainly do play havoc with their
+digestions. They eat rapidly and recklessly, and swallow with startling
+rapidity, for having all the dishes placed before them at once they have
+no waiting in between the courses to assist digestion, and almost before
+they have swallowed their food they freeze it with draughts of iced
+water.</p>
+
+<p>At this hotel in New York there lived for some years an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> Italian singer,
+who was a great favourite in the city, and whose horror of iced water
+was a terror to all the waiters. They knew that it was as much as their
+lives were worth, and certainly as much as the glass was worth, to set a
+drink of this concoction before him. If any new or forgetful waiter
+offered the obnoxious liquid to the foreigner, it was soon thrown at his
+head or to the other end of the room. Americans seldom show their
+feelings, but anything they resent they will harbour in their minds, and
+never forget.</p>
+
+<p>In due course this singer died. The weather was hot at the time, and the
+body in the shell was surrounded by ice until the time came to carry it
+out of the hotel. As it passed through the hall the manager, who had had
+many and many an upbraiding from the excitable Italian after the latter
+had been proffered the hateful iced water, rushed out and triumphantly
+exclaimed:</p>
+
+<p>"'Guess, sir, you've got plenty of ice now, whether you like it or
+not!'"</p>
+
+<p>I was told that kindness would be showered upon me in America. I lived
+in a perfect blizzard of hospitality, the force of which was too much
+for me to stand up against. The poet asks, "What's in a name?" I don't
+know, I'm sure, but I know what's not in a name, and that's something by
+which you can identify the owner of it.</p>
+
+<p>You are introduced to a man, his name being given you as Mr. James B.
+Brown. You could never forget his face as long as you live, but there is
+nothing in the name of James B. Brown to fix it in your memory. Indians
+are more practical&mdash;they adopt nicknames. Amongst them the gentleman in
+question would probably be known as "Cherrybeak," "Bleary Eye," or some
+such descriptive cognomen.</p>
+
+<p>I felt the want of this common-sense system when in America terribly.
+While there I lived at the highest pressure of hospitality. Breakfasts,
+luncheons, teas, dinners, suppers, receptions and all sorts of
+gatherings, sometimes two or three of them in one day. At each of them I
+was introduced to most interesting people, names perfectly familiar to
+me but faces unknown. I was bewildered beyond description. I made many
+friends, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> as a natural consequence I made many blunders. The worst
+of these latter I really must record, and pray that should this
+confession meet the eye of my hospitable friend I trust he will forgive
+me&mdash;indeed I know he will, for he is one of the best and cleverest of
+men.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 237px;">
+<img src="images/img074.jpg" width="237" height="450" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">JAMES B. BROWN!</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I was invited to an excellent dinner by a well-known man of letters I
+had never met before. I accepted the invitation on condition I should be
+allowed to leave early, as I had engagements two or three deep for that
+evening. I came away with the best impression of my host and all his
+friends. I saw their jokes and their faces, and knew I would recollect
+both, but their names! how to recollect them was the puzzle. That
+evening I met more distinguished people at the second house I visited,
+more at the third, and still more at the fourth. I shall never forget
+their kindness, but I gave up all hopes of trying to recollect hundreds
+of names, all new to me in one evening. The problem was hopeless. The
+following morning callers began early, and more invitations poured in.
+At breakfast one of my new acquaintances called.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"Tell me, Mr. Furniss, have you met our great literary man and renowned
+humorist, Mr. James B. Brown?"</p>
+
+<p>"Brown, Brown!" I repeated (that was not the name of course, but it will
+do). "Well, no. I know his name so well, but I don't think I have yet
+had the pleasure of making his acquaintance."</p>
+
+<p>"Not know James B. Brown? Well, you must straightaway. Now let me
+reckon. You leave New York at four this afternoon&mdash;you must lunch first.
+Why not with me at the &mdash;&mdash; Club? I'll get James B. Brown there or I'll
+swallow Bartholdi's statue!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I found refusals were of no avail, so I agreed. At one I entered the
+club, at two minutes past one James B. Brown entered, and we met. He was
+my first host of the previous evening!</p>
+
+<p>We were formally introduced. I smiled&mdash;James B. Brown didn't. James B.
+Brown pulled himself up to his full height&mdash;about double mine&mdash;I never
+felt so small before. I shook his hand (he didn't shake mine) and said:</p>
+
+<p>"This is a great honour and pleasant surprise," and I pulled the
+dismayed celebrity gently to my side, when getting on tip-toes I
+telephoned up the string of his eye-glass:</p>
+
+<p>"Keep up the joke, Mr. Brown, keep it up. Fact is, I was so delighted at
+meeting you last night and so charmed with you that when I was asked if
+I had met you before I said 'No,' so that I might have the pleasure of
+meeting you again. Forgive me!"</p>
+
+<p>James B. Brown shook my hand warmly, and telephoned down:</p>
+
+<p>"Sir, this is the greatest compliment I have ever received. Your sin
+will be forgiven for your sincere flattery of so humble an admirer as
+myself."</p>
+
+<p>Americans claim to be superior to us in respect of three things&mdash;their
+facility in travelling, their fire system, and their after-dinner
+speaking. One of these I will not question, and that is the Fire
+Brigade. It is necessary for America to excel in this respect, for with
+their huge warehouses and stores overstocked with inflammable goods fire
+would destroy their cities as Chicago was destroyed, were they not so
+wonderfully prompt and efficient with their engines and appliances.</p>
+
+<p>When I arrived in the States I only presented two of the very numerous
+letters of introduction with which I was supplied. One was to the Chief
+of Police in New York, and the other was to the Captain of the Fire
+Brigade. The latter I met, when I arrived at the station at which he is
+located, just coming out in ordinary clothes, for it was his night off;
+but such is the pride taken by the Fire Brigade in their work that
+whatever engagement he was going to keep was abandoned, and he was at my
+service until I had seen everything it was possible to see in connection
+with the famous Fire Brigade.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img076.jpg" width="650" height="630" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">FIRE!</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>As I was speaking to the Captain in the engine-room I noticed a couple
+of horses standing there. One of them was a grey mare with a most
+cunning look, and as the Captain was informing me that "she had done
+continuous work here for some years," she gave me an artful wink of
+confirmation. Just at that moment the alarm bell suddenly vibrated, and
+before you could say Jack Robinson (even if you wanted to), seemingly by
+magic but in reality by electricity, the halters fell from the horses'
+heads, and to my surprise, without any one being near them they rushed
+to their places at either side of the shaft of the engine. There were
+manholes in the ceiling, through which brass rods were suspended
+vertically. Down these slid half-dressed men, who seemed to turn a
+somersault into their clothes during the descent on to the engine, the
+harness suspended above<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> the horses dropped on to their backs, and in an
+instant they were in the street, the engine manned, its fire ablaze, and
+the horses alive to the stiff job they had before them of reaching the
+fire in an incredibly short space of time. But hardly had they taken the
+first leap from one of the boulders over the cavities with which New
+York streets abound to another, than a whistle from the Captain stopped
+them. It was a false alarm given for my edification. Before they could
+get back into the engine-house I was conducted by the Captain into the
+dormitory, where I concealed myself under a bed. Without a grumble the
+men came up and literally walked out of their clothes, for boots, pants
+and everything are all one piece. They opened these carefully and laid
+them ready by the side of their beds, and in a few minutes were all
+snoring fast asleep.</p>
+
+<p>The Captain gave a slight tap on the floor as a signal for another false
+alarm. At the first sound of the bell, with one bound the men were out
+of bed, in another into their combinations, and in a third they were
+going head over heels down the holes in the floor, just as mice would
+disappear down theirs at the sight of a cat, and in a second or two I
+heard again the rumbling of the engine over the pavement.</p>
+
+<p>We escaped before the men were back again to bed, but hardly had I been
+shown the completeness of everything, and gone into details which I need
+not repeat here, and had another wink from the old grey mare, which
+plainly said, "Ah, I knew those alarms were false," when her two ears
+went up like a flash as she sprang under her harness once more, the
+other animal as quickly by her side. The third alarm was a genuine one,
+and she knew it. The Captain and I, as soon as the alarm was given,
+rushed in the direction of the fire, but we had not got to the first
+corner before the old mare and her companion flew past, and I just had
+time to notice that the men were completing their toilet as they were
+hurled by. Quickly followed the officer of the night in his one-horse
+trap, and by the time we got to the fire, which was only round a block
+of buildings, an exhibition of fire engines and appliances was collected
+there which beggars description. The water tower, a huge affair seventy
+or eighty<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> feet high, built up like a crane, which shoots water on to
+the top of the burning building; so also are the hook and ladder
+brigade, the men with the jumping net&mdash;in fact, everything is at hand.
+This is accounted for by the fact that a policeman at any corner, when
+giving the alarm of a fire, touches an electric button or turns a
+handle, which gives the signal at every fire station, unloosing the
+horses and putting everything into motion at once.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img078.jpg" width="650" height="499" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE ALARM.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The one weak point in the whole system is that the alarms are not
+isolated, which means that every signal of fire in the big city of New
+York disturbs every man and horse at every station, some of them nine
+miles away from the scene of the conflagration, for so anxious are the
+men to be up to time that they are often in the street, harnessed,
+equipped and ready, before the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> second signal comes to acquaint them
+with the locality and extent of the fire. At least that was then the
+system.</p>
+
+<p>When I returned to England I stopped once as I was passing a fire
+station and told the men of the wonders I had seen in America. A very
+athletic, sailor-looking fireman, who had listened attentively to all I
+had to say, chimed in with "Yes, sir, what you've said is quite true,
+for I've been in America myself, and seen them at work; but though they
+may possibly get to the fire a few seconds quicker than we, when we <i>do</i>
+get there we put it out. That's more than they do generally."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, perhaps so," I rejoined; "but then you haven't the wonderful
+electric apparatus for dropping the harness on to the horses' backs!"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said he, "we go a step further than that; the harness is on the
+horses' backs beforehand!"</p>
+
+<p>This youth's visit to America had evidently had a sharpening effect upon
+him, for he was a bit too wideawake for me.</p>
+
+<p>Being on a trip for rest and health, I found the gaiety of New York too
+much for me, so having whispered to my friends that I was going to study
+culture and eat bacon and beans in Boston, I quietly slipped off to
+study Congress and to feast my eyes on the beautiful city of Washington.</p>
+
+<p>Not being clean-shaven I could not wear a false beard, so I took a false
+name. "Mr. Harry Furniss of London <i>Punch</i>" went in the spirit to Boston
+(for had I stayed much longer in New York my used-up body would have
+been returned in spirits to England); "Mr. French of Nowhere" went in
+the flesh to Washington.</p>
+
+<p>On arriving at my hotel I signed "Mr. French of Nowhere." Reporters who
+scan the hotel list did not think "Mr. French of Nowhere" a subject
+worthy of dissection, so for a few days I thought I should enjoy perfect
+peace with profit. A "stocky little Englishman" taking notes <i>en
+passant</i> with an amateurish fervency was probably what most people would
+think who cared to think at all of the stranger in their midst.</p>
+
+<p>But it so happened that in going down by train from New York I sat
+opposite to a very delightful American gentleman,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> and we chatted away
+in the most friendly fashion. We parted on arriving at the city. Next
+day I happened to "strike" him in the street.</p>
+
+<p>"I've been on the look-out for you everywhere, Mr. French" (I had given
+him my assumed name in the train). "I am very anxious to show you all
+over this beautiful city, and my brother the Judge is also anxious that
+you should dine at his house."</p>
+
+<p>I thanked him most cordially, and accepted his kind offer, saying that I
+should be ready for him at my hotel at 9 o'clock the next morning. We
+parted, but my conscience pricked me for giving him a false name, so I
+hurried back after him and explained to him the whole circumstance. It
+was flattering to me to see that he took a greater interest than ever in
+being my guide. The next morning Mr. French (to all but my new
+acquaintance) was in the hall of the "Arlington" at the appointed time.
+I waited and waited, but my guide did not put in an appearance.
+Presently a strange gentleman came up to me, and boldly addressed me by
+my proper name. I saw at once I was in the clutches of an interviewer,
+so I point-blank contradicted him, and asserted that my name was French.</p>
+
+<p>"That won't do for me," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Then you won't do for me," I said, and turned upon my heel.</p>
+
+<p>However, I rather liked the look of the man, and didn't like to
+disappoint him altogether, being a journalist myself.</p>
+
+<p>"I am waiting for a gentleman," I said. "I expect him every minute, and
+then I must be off."</p>
+
+<p>"You may wait, but I guess that gentleman won't arrive," said the
+journalist, "and I want a column out of you for our evening paper."</p>
+
+<p>A frightful thought flashed across my mind.</p>
+
+<p>"Have I been sold?"</p>
+
+<p>I had, and I thought more of the gentleman of the Press (all the
+Pressmen were very kind to me in Washington, and, indeed, all over
+America) than I did of my newly-made erratic acquaintance.</p>
+
+<p>When I paid my second and professional visit to Washington<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> years
+afterwards, of course it was a different matter. My representative had
+for business reasons to invite the Press to "boom" me. I was rated a
+good subject for interviewers, being only too pleased to do my best for
+our mutual benefit. One day a representative of the important Washington
+family paper called. We lunched and chatted, and subsequently over a
+cigar he informed me that he knew nothing about art or artists or
+politics, nor had he any object in common with me&mdash;in fact, he was the
+sporting editor. The interview appeared&mdash;two long columns on prize
+fighting! I was the innocent "peg" upon which the sporting writer hung
+his own ideas. He discussed "a rendezvous in the Rockies," remote from
+the centre of civilisation, as surely an appropriate locale for a
+train-scuttling speciality or a fight to a death finish between Roaring
+Gore and Wild Whiskers. A pair of athletes, scienced to the tips of
+their vibrating digits, compelled to appeal to the courtesy of a wild
+and well-whiskered Legislature, would doubtless appear inconsistent to
+gentlemen of the National Sporting Club of London, who were anxious to
+have the big fight settled within earshot of Bow Bells, in the luxurious
+rooms of the London National Sporting Club. One combatant, I declared,
+"swallowed the gruel rammed at him as if it were mother's milk," the
+lads "had enough blood on tap to run a sizeable slaughterhouse"; then a
+British fighter "swallowing a lobster salad on top of a whiskey sour,
+with a dose of prussic acid by way of dessert"; and references to my
+knowledge of the "Freds," "Toms," or "Dicks" of the Sporting Press of
+London, and to my familiarity with "Charlies," "Fitzs," and "Jims" of
+the "Magic Circle," were astounding.</p>
+
+<p>My manager rushed into my rooms with the paper in question. "This will
+ruin your prospects here! We depend on the women folk; they will never
+come to hear you after reading this!" And so it was. In spite of other
+interviewers at Washington writing of me as "an English good fellow,
+rich and juicy, and genial in flavour, like other hot stuffs of that
+remarkable country"; and another,</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Harry Furniss' eclipse of the gayety of John Bull, with facile
+pencil and brilliant tongue, attracted a cultured assemblage to the
+Columbia Theatre. Furniss, a plump lump of a man, all curves from
+pumps to poll,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> in gesture and in the breezy flourish of his
+sentences, genially cynical like Voltaire, cuts an engaging figure
+in his black coat that he wears with the inborn grace of a
+well-dined Londoner, a bon vivant, whose worldly shaft tickles and
+never bites, for he is a gentleman whose wit wins and never wounds.
+Furniss is Thackeray in the satirist's mellow moments, and there is
+no little of the Thackerian spirit radiating in the pictures of
+this rotund and quaint little caricaturist."</p></div>
+
+<p>I did very bad business in Washington, largely due to bad management.
+Five o'clock teas had become the rage of Washington Society, and my
+appearances in the theatre were between 4.15 and 6 o'clock in the
+afternoon. Alluding to this a critic wrote in the <i>Morning Times</i>: "It
+may help Mr. Furniss to forgive the small audiences here in Washington
+if he is informed that during this season none of his English friends
+have made a very glittering success; nearly all of them have lost money
+or made very little. We seem to be somewhat down on Englishmen this
+year."</p>
+
+<p>As Washington is the capital of America, so the Capitol, where Congress
+meets, is the cap of the capital, the dome, of course, being the
+Capitol's cap, and a capital cap it is, covering the collective
+councillors of the country. The Capitol itself looks like a huge white
+eagle protecting the interests of the States. Audubon's Bird of
+Washington is the name of the eagle well-known to naturalists, but this
+<i>rara avis</i> is the <i>Falcho Washingtoniensis</i>. At its heart is seated the
+Supreme Court, keeping an eagle eye on the laws of the land; under its
+right wing is the Senate (equivalent to the English House of Lords); and
+the left shelters the House of Representatives (corresponding to our
+House of Commons). At first this bird of buildings had no wings, and the
+three representative assemblies sat in the Central Edifice; afterwards
+the wings were added, and now the Capitol is fly enough for anything. It
+soars high above the city, and from its summit a capital birdseye view
+is naturally obtained.</p>
+
+<p>The Senate in the American Congress answers to the House of Lords in the
+British Parliament. The "sporting editor" would doubtless say that each
+in its respective country is the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> right hand of the Government, and when
+there happens to be a genuine stand-up fight, as foreseen with Spain, an
+international contest, although the "left," in prize ring phraseology
+(the House of Representatives in America and the House of Commons in
+England), does all the preliminary work, it is reserved for the right,
+when the critical moment arrives, to administer the knock-out blow.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img083.jpg" width="650" height="577" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE THRONE IN THE SENATE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In both the Old Country and the New these superior senators are
+politically alike. Representatively they are as different as iced water
+is to old port.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img084.jpg" width="650" height="603" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE THRONE, HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p><p>The seating of the senators in these two assemblages is typical of the
+countries they represent. In the British House of Lords the Peers loll
+about on scarlet sofas; in America the chosen ones<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> sit at desks. The
+British Peer has forsaken one lounge to occupy another; the American has
+left the office desk for the desk in office. In Britain the House of
+Lords is composed of Princes and Peers, with an admixture of bishops,
+brewers, and other political party pullers; it is also an asylum for
+stranded political wrecks from the Lower House. Soldiers and sailors,
+too, are honoured and are sent there, not as politicians, but merely to
+exist for the time being in a sort of respectable retreat, before being
+translated to the crypt of Westminster Abbey or St. Paul's. John Bull
+has made this hereditary hotch-potch, and he must swallow it. Jonathan
+selects his senators to his own taste, and has them dished up fresh from
+time to time.</p>
+
+<p>The Senate is not sombre and sedate as is our Upper House, but
+simplicity itself&mdash;no gilded throne, no Lord Chancellor in wig and gown,
+no offensive officialism. It looks like a huge auction room, the
+auctioneer being the deputy President standing at a table hammer in hand
+knocking down the separate business of State lot by lot as put up by the
+clerks.</p>
+
+<p>The House of Representatives, like the Senate, reminds one very much of
+an auction room. It is a splendid hall, but its size prevents Members
+from being heard very distinctly, particularly as they talk away amongst
+themselves, except when anything particularly interesting is going on.
+In the Senate the table, and the clerks' table, are of dark wood; in the
+House of Representatives they are of white marble. The American flag
+hanging over the balcony gives it a semi-theatrical look, and the white
+marble table resembles an American bar, making one feel inclined to go
+up to it and order a brandy-smash, a gin-sling, or a corpse-reviver.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figleft"><img src="images/img085.jpg" style="margin-top: -1.4em;" width="350" height="278" alt="" title="T" /></div>
+<p>HE House has not met as I enter. The page-boys are playing at leapfrog,
+and some early Members are disposing of their correspondence, and
+instead of reproving the boys cast glances at them that seem to signify
+they would like to join in the game themselves. Presently a Member comes
+in backwards through one of the doorways, calling out to something that
+is following him. I lean over to see if he has brought his favourite dog
+or domestic cat, when a little infant in modernised Dutch costume comes
+in waddling laughingly after her parent. Another Member turns round on
+his swivel chair as his page-boy runs up to him, shakes him heartily by
+the hand, tosses him on his foot and gives him a "ride-a-cock-horse."
+Oh, you English sticklers for etiquette! What would you say if Mr.
+Labouchere came in on all fours with his little child pulling his
+coat-tails and whacking him with a stick, or if Sir William Harcourt
+played at leapfrog with Lulu round the Speaker's chair?</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img086.jpg" width="650" height="393" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span><br /></p>
+
+<p>My drawing will show you better what the House of Representatives is
+like than any written description I can give. Each<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> Member has his own
+desk, with his Parliamentary papers all around him. He is not bothered,
+as Members are in England, by having his papers sent to his private
+house, or having to call for them at the office when he arrives, or
+actually having to fight for a seat. Americans pay their
+Representatives, and consider that they too have a right to be
+accommodated with a seat whenever they want one to see them, and to know
+who they are; so you have in front of you a diagram of the sitting
+arrangements of the House, with the names of the Members.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 380px;">
+<img src="images/img088.jpg" width="380" height="330" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AN EX-SPEAKER.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p>At 12 o'clock the procession enters. An official carries a little wand
+with the eagle on top, and after the Chaplain (during my first visit I
+saw the "Blind Chaplain," the Rev. W. H. Milburn) has delivered a few
+touching words about the floods in Minnesota, the reading of the
+"reakard" begins. The House buzzes with conversation and displays the
+utmost indifference while the minutes of the last meeting are read with
+extraordinary rapidity by a clerk with a grating voice. Every now and
+then a Member corrects a misprint in the "reakard" of what he has said,
+and then leave of absence is given to applicants for it, who have to
+state their reasons. The Chairmen of the various Committees then report
+to the House, Chairmen of Committees taking in turn to sit in the
+Speaker's Chair and preside over the House, whilst anyone can examine
+them.</p>
+
+<p>Instead of calling out a Member by his name&mdash;Mr. Bacon or Mr. Beans&mdash;the
+Speaker calls upon "the gentleman from Illinois," or "the gentleman from
+Michigan." But if any question arises to which some Member has an
+objection filibustering is rampant. The Speaker rises and asks if there
+is any objection to the consideration of the Bill. After a pause he
+says, "The Chair hears none," and is about ordering the Bill to be
+engrossed when some Member objects and a division is taken, the Members
+standing up to be counted. Groups of them,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> however, do not pay a bit of
+attention, and sit about on their desks smoking cigars and telling
+stories, and when the numbers are given some of these will get up and
+complain that their names are not included, as they did not hear, or
+went out to speak to a friend, or some trivial excuse like that, so they
+are counted again. One in particular I noticed and made a sketch of
+peeling and eating an apple, and he strolled up afterwards and demanded
+to have his name inserted. More delay; then "the gentleman from
+Somewhere-else" informs the Speaker that there is not a quorum. "The
+gentleman from Bedlam" demands a division taken by tellers, and the
+Speaker agrees, and is just appointing the tellers, when "the gentleman
+from Obstructianna" calls for "Yeas and Nays," which means, gentle
+reader, that the whole of the House of Representatives have to be called
+out by name, from Alpha to Omega. Those not wishing to vote smoke or eat
+apples. Then some Member comes in and informs the Speaker that he didn't
+hear his name when it was called.</p>
+
+<p>In case the reader may think I am exaggerating I append the following
+cutting from the "Congressional Record," vol. xxiii., No. 93.:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Mr. O'NEILL of Pennsylvania. Mr. Speaker, I am paired, but I have
+voted in order to make a quorum.</p>
+
+<p>The SPEAKER. There is no quorum.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. HENDERSON of Iowa. Mr. Speaker, when my name was called the
+first time I did not hear it, and the second time I was examining
+some papers and my name was passed before I could answer.</p>
+
+<p>The SPEAKER. Did the gentleman fail to hear his name?</p>
+
+<p>Mr. HENDERSON of Iowa. I heard it called, but did not answer in
+time.</p>
+
+<p>The SPEAKER. The gentleman understands the rule. If the gentleman
+states that he was in the Hall of the House and failed to hear his
+name, his vote will be recorded.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. HENDERSON of Iowa. I was.</p>
+
+<p>The vote of Mr. <span class="smcap">Henderson</span> of Iowa was recorded.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. PATTERSON of Tennessee. Mr. Speaker, I desire to vote.</p>
+
+<p>The SPEAKER. Was the gentleman in the Hall, and did he fail to hear
+his name called?</p>
+
+<p>Mr. PATTERSON of Tennessee. Yes, sir.</p>
+
+<p>The vote of Mr. <span class="smcap">Patterson</span> of Tennessee was recorded.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Mr. DOLLIVER. Mr. Speaker, although paired I have voted to make a
+quorum.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. McKEIGHAN. Mr. Speaker, I was in the Hall and heard my name,
+but did not vote because I did not understand the measure. If it is
+in order I desire now to vote.</p>
+
+<p>The SPEAKER. The Chair can not entertain the gentleman's request
+under the rule.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. HUFF. Mr. Speaker, I voted to make a quorum. I am paired with
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Kribbs</span>.</p>
+
+<p>The SPEAKER. On this vote the yeas are 136 and the nays 3. No
+quorum has voted.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. O'NEILL of Pennsylvania. I withdraw my vote.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. HOLMAN. Mr. Speaker, I ask unanimous consent that another vote
+be taken, which I have no doubt will show the presence of a quorum.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. BURROWS. Mr. Speaker, can not that request be modified so as to
+provide for taking the vote on the passage of the Bill instead of
+on the engrossment and third reading? I ask unanimous consent that
+the vote may be taken on the passage of the Bill.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Chipman</span> rose.</p>
+
+<p>The SPEAKER. The Chair will state that the roll call having
+disclosed the absence of a quorum, no business is in order but a
+call of the House or a motion to adjourn.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. HOLMAN. Then, Mr. Speaker, I move a call of the House.</p>
+
+<p>A call of the House was ordered."</p></div>
+
+<p>Then that grating voice calls out the list from A to Z, the pairs are
+called, more explanations given, then there is more filibustering (I
+think that is the correct word) on the part of the obstructionists, and
+for the third time the same farce is enacted. Then the division takes
+place, when the Members leave their seats and are counted as they enter.
+No, the division takes place before the last count, for after the names
+are called again and there are more explanations, when the Speaker
+"recognises the gentleman's right," or does not as the case may be. I
+know three hours of this was enough to show me that, although the
+Americans may boast of being our superiors in many ways, such a farce as
+I have described could never take place in the British Parliament. Why
+on earth don't they take a division as we do, when the Members leave
+their seats and the Ayes and Noes are locked in separate Lobbies, and as
+they re-enter their votes are recorded and they are counted by the
+tellers, and the question<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> at issue is settled finally without doubt? I
+must say that for a practical people the Parliamentary procedure seemed
+to me the most unpractical ceremony I had ever witnessed. Yet they are
+practical in some Parliamentary matters. For instance, there is a
+Committee of Rules, presided over by the Speaker, which meets to decide
+what time the House shall devote to each question, say two hours&mdash;one
+for the Democrats and one for the Republicans. Each speaker in the
+debate is allowed five minutes, and when this is up the Speaker reminds
+him of the fact by rapping the table with his hammer.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 237px;">
+<img src="images/img091.jpg" width="237" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AN EX-MINISTER.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Again, it is very convenient that a Member can have speeches that he has
+never delivered printed on the Parliamentary record. In England a
+country Member is about to make a speech, and being anxious to let his
+constituents have it in full he gives it to the representatives of his
+local paper, and it is in the press before he delivers it. Something may
+happen to prevent the delivery of the speech, and Hansard has not a line
+of it. A curious thing happened in the "Congressional Record" a year or
+two ago. The same speech was published as having been uttered by two
+very different Members. This occurred through a New York orator handing
+his speech (a eulogium on a deceased Member) to a friend to correct.
+This friend had an eye to business, and he picked out another Member who
+yearned to be thought an orator but who was not blessed with forensic
+power and had never made a speech in his life, and sold him the speech
+for forty dollars. He walked into the House swelling in anticipation of
+his coming effort, but his chagrin was great when he discovered
+precisely the same speech in the "Record." How is this for an instance
+of American journalistic smartness?</p>
+
+<p>After the exhibition of filibustering I described the House adjourned,
+having done absolutely nothing but convince the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> stranger in the gallery
+that payment of Members leads to a waste of time, which is not played
+ducks and drakes with by the Members of our House.</p>
+
+<p>An evening sitting is, of course, livelier, though at the outset there
+are more strangers in the gallery than Members on the floor. It is
+amusing to note how the ladies crowd the seats, and how the Congressman
+lolls on the sofa in the outer circle of the chamber, or turns round in
+his chair at his desk, crossing his legs on the desk in front of him,
+puffs his cigar, and, heedless of the fate of the nation, turns round
+and fascinates the fair ones in the gallery. It is amusing also to see a
+Member leave his seat during his speech and walk all over the floor,
+snapping his fingers and pummelling any desk handy. The official
+reporter follows him about, book in hand, wherever the Member's
+eloquence leads him, and his friends crowd around him when he stands or
+walks and vigorously applaud him; so do the audience in the gallery when
+his eloquence ceases, while his friends rush to shake his hand. He then
+walks round and receives congratulations, like a man passing round the
+hat. The clapping of the desk lids is very effective as a means of
+approval or otherwise; but if the orator goes too far and a scene is the
+result, the noise is too much even for the American House of
+Representatives, and the Serjeant-at-Arms has to take the spread-eagle
+on a toasting fork and walk up to the windy Member. I have made a sketch
+of a Member who made an aggressive speech, and on being replied to by
+another Member, walked up to the Speaker, leant on his desk, and puffed
+his cigar right under his nose. All this to one accustomed to the
+English House of Commons is beyond comprehension, and the only parallel
+I can think of is the trial scene in "The Bells," when Mathias walks
+about the court and snaps his fingers at the judges and then acts the
+perpetration of the deed for which he is called upon to answer.</p>
+
+<p>During my stay I heard a very funny specimen of rant from a gentleman of
+the name of Turner, who was suffering from an attack of Anglophobia. He
+would delight the Mortons and Conybeares whom we have to tolerate, and
+his pronunciation of the Old Country's language was even worse than the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>
+sentiments he expressed. He spoke of the "extremest spirit" of
+"<i>o</i>fficial day<i>tee</i>," whatever that may mean; the next screech brought
+out "<i>do</i>mestic <i>hoo</i>rizon," and he pathetically alluded to his
+constituents as the people who lived in the "boomed city, who do not get
+an elegant <i>re</i>ward for their la<i>bor</i>."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 279px;">
+<img src="images/img093.jpg" width="279" height="450" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">ANGLOPHOBIA.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I was also amused by another gentleman in a discussion about some Bills.
+He jumped up, and rushing over to where his opponents sat, he shouted at
+them, "<i>Talk! You?</i>&mdash;you&mdash;you&mdash;you&mdash;you&mdash;you&mdash;you&mdash;you?" (and with
+dreadful emphasis) "I've reported your little Bills!"</p>
+
+<p>Then there were cries of "Go ahead! Vote! vote! vote! vote!" and to
+crown the gentleman's vehemence he cried out repeatedly, "I demand a
+division!" (Chorus): "Pull him down!"</p>
+
+<p>"I demand a division!" "Pull him down!"</p>
+
+<p>"I demand a division!" "Pull him down!"</p>
+
+<p>And he refused to leave off until the eagle-topped toasting fork was
+brought into play once more.</p>
+
+<p>A veritable pandemonium is this Parliament! Fascinating to me, who have
+spent so much time in studying every detail of our own Parliament, which
+I have not the slightest doubt would prove just as strange and funny to
+the American visitor, if like me he sees the ridiculous side of
+everything, even of such an august assemblage as that of the legislators
+of a nation.</p>
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" summary="THE PRESIDENT">
+<tr>
+<td align='center'><img src="images/img094a.jpg" width="303" height="380"
+             alt="THE PRESIDENT&mdash;IDEAL." /><br />
+         </td>
+
+<td align='center'><img src="images/img094b.jpg" width="218" height="400"
+             alt="THE PRESIDENT&mdash;REAL." /><br />
+         </td>
+</tr>
+<tr><td align='center'>THE PRESIDENT&mdash;IDEAL.</td><td align='center'>THE PRESIDENT&mdash;REAL.</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<p>Privacy is unknown in America. Everyone there, from the President in the
+White House to your Chinese washerman in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> his laundry, is accessible to
+all. I have visited both with less difficulty than I would experience in
+approaching Brown, Jones or Robinson in this country. Here the business
+man's time is his own, and you must not rob him of a minute any more
+than of his cheque-book. In America a business man's time belongs to
+anyone who may require it. You walk in to see him at will, and if
+Jonathan can earn a dollar whilst in his bath by talking to you through
+the keyhole he will do it, and he is just as open in giving his time to
+show you any gracious action. The busiest man in America, the President,
+surrounded by affairs of State, leaves them and shakes my hand in
+welcome to his country. I say shakes my hand, for although I apologise
+for my intrusion (which, by the way, was quite unnecessary) and pay him
+some pleasant compliments, President Harrison replies only by shaking my
+hand. I wax eloquent over the magnificence of the great country over
+which he presides; I touch upon the coming election, and even give him
+some information of value which I happen to have overheard by accident.
+I lead him to believe that I am entrusted with secrets<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> by the English
+Cabinet about the Behring Straits and other vexed questions, and I
+openly tell him what I believe to be the dark designs of England upon a
+free country; in fact, I don't know what I don't tell him, and now that
+he is no more I see no just cause or impediment why I should not now
+make public his reply. It is all on the next page.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="bbox">
+
+<p class="center"><b>PRESIDENT HARRISON'S REPLY.</b></p>
+
+<p style="margin-top: 45em;">&nbsp;</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" summary="MR. PUNCH AT NIAGARA.">
+<tr>
+<td align='center'><img src="images/img097a.jpg" style="margin-top: 3em;" width="326" height="450"
+             alt="MR. PUNCH AT NIAGARA." /><br />
+         </td>
+
+<td align='center'><img src="images/img097b.jpg" style="margin-top: 3em;" width="235" height="400"
+             alt=" HEBE." /><br />
+         </td>
+</tr>
+<tr><td align='center'><small><b>MR. PUNCH AT NIAGARA.</b></small></td><td align='center'><small><b>HEBE.</b></small></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figleft"><img src="images/img095a.jpg" style="margin-top: -1.4em;" width="350" height="276" alt="" title="A" /></div>
+
+<p>S all English people could not get to Niagara, Niagara was brought to
+them in the shape of an excellent diorama, which proved a great success
+in London a few years ago. The atmospheric effect in all dioramas is
+procured by making the visitor first pass through dark passages, fall up
+unlighted stairs, and tumble about in the tortuous corridors in the
+blackness; then, brought suddenly face to face with the picture well lit
+up, the eye is affected by the glare of light, which would not be the
+case if the spectator walked straight into the diorama from the street.
+Now, curiously enough, you approach the real Niagara in much the same
+way&mdash;that is, if, as I did, you go from Buffalo, and as was my lot, in
+the most depressing weather.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 221px;">
+<img src="images/img095b.jpg" width="221" height="250" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">A BUFFALO GIRL.</span>
+</div>
+<p><br />I had to wait for the train to start at Buffalo in a <i>Dee</i>po which
+eclipsed anything I have seen for gloom. The shoeblack's platform, of
+more than ordinary proportions, occupied a good fifth of the
+waiting-room. Its dusky proprietor was in possession of the throne, and
+was discussing politics with a brother brush whose massive feet were
+resting on the structure, an advertisement for the operating shoeblack,
+implying that both the quality and quantity of his shine were superior.</p>
+
+<p><br />The train was also very gloomy. My vis-&agrave;-vis was an old Buffalo girl who
+must have remembered coming out to "dance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> by the light of the moon" a
+couple of generations ago, when that melody was popular.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+<p>The exit from the town is made through a hideous quarter&mdash;wooden houses
+and huts, depressing dirty streets, and the sides of the railway covered
+with the refuse of a generation. Then some miles of open country, with a
+building here and there which might possibly have added a little
+picturesqueness to the dismal scene had not those despoilers of all
+picturesqueness, the advertisers&mdash;and, above all, the advertisers of
+pills&mdash;made an eyesore wherever the same was possible. Then through a
+mile or two of apple orchards and more country with huts advertising
+pills&mdash;probably the apples in those orchards are most particularly sour.
+The rain came down fast, the train went on slowly; at every station damp
+people with wet umbrellas came in and made me shudder. Altogether the
+prospect of my getting a favourable impression of Niagara was a black
+one. But it so happens the effect was quite the reverse&mdash;it was
+precisely the same as passing through the gloomy passages leading to the
+diorama.</p>
+
+<p>As I walked to an hotel to have some lunch before seeing the Falls, I
+was startled to see in wood<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> (everything is either water or wood at
+Niagara) my old friend Mr. Punch standing outside a cigar shop, smiling
+as usual; so after I had taken one of his cigars and lighted it, we had
+a chat about Fleet Street and all his friends there.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 218px;">
+<img src="images/img098a.jpg" width="218" height="450" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MY DRIVER.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Guess, stranger, I'm here to draw the Britishers. 'Amurrcans' don't
+understand me. They try to draw me, but they might just as well try to
+draw one of these wooden cigars in my hand. Their sarcasm runs off me
+like this rain, and I keep on smiling. They laugh at the Britishers
+journeying thousands of miles to see this place, just as the English
+smile at the Americans pilgrimaging to Stratford-on-Avon. Why, it's real
+cheap to find natives round here who've lived all their lives within
+earshot of the Falls and never seen them yet!"</p>
+
+<p>We compared notes&mdash;American and English&mdash;and parted.</p>
+
+<p>At the hotel to which I repaired for the purpose of refreshing the inner
+man I was waited upon by a Hebe for the first, last and only time while
+I was in the States. Quick, quiet and clean&mdash;what a relief after the
+coloured gentleman!</p>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 225px;">
+<img src="images/img098.jpg" width="225" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">FRA&#39; HUDDERSFIELD</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Hiring a covered conveyance with two horses and a very intelligent
+driver, shaped something like his own whip, who was to act as my guide
+as well as my Jehu, I was driven through the town of wooden houses to an
+office where I bought tickets to pass me to the various places of
+interest. The purveyor of this pasteboard looked like a French peasant,
+spoke with an American accent, and came from the town of Huddersfield in
+England.</p>
+
+<p>I had no doubt the driver had graduated in his work from the perch of a
+London hansom, and that probably the horses had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> been trained at
+Newmarket. Everything is so very "English, you know," at Niagara, from
+the wooden Punch to the pasteboard man.</p>
+
+<p>I was informed by everyone that Niagara would grow upon me. I was rather
+alarmed to find it growing upon me the moment I arrived, for it was
+raining in torrents and I had juvenile Niagaras all round my umbrella. I
+should rather say you grow upon Niagara&mdash;at least, for my own part, I
+felt that if I were left there long enough I should do so. It was the
+most fascinating sight I ever saw, and I felt as I stood motionless and
+riveted to the spot I had had enough water to last me for the remaining
+term of my existence.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;">
+<img src="images/img099.jpg" width="550" height="591" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">NIAGARA GROWING UPON ME.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Everyone, even the clerk of the weather, had arranged that my visit to
+America should be pleasant. Niagara, to be seen at its best, must be
+viewed on a pouring wet day. I know few of my readers will accept this
+assertion as a serious fact, but it's true. It is just as true as the
+fact that the way to obtain the full flavour of strawberries is to put
+pepper on them, and that the sole method of fully relishing ham is to
+use a dash of champagne as a sauce. There are people who even in this
+enlightened age vegetate upon the face of the earth and know not these
+things, and a very great many more who do not know that they ought to
+select a soakingly wet day to appreciate the Falls of Niagara at their
+highest value.</p>
+
+<p>It is not for the extra bucketful or so of water that you may behold,
+for that is imperceptible, but for the water you <i>don't</i> see. A fine day
+is a mistake, and the finer the day the greater the mistake, for the
+reason that distances appear nearer, and the scene as a picture appears
+contracted in consequence. But when the rain falls in torrents at your
+feet, and then gradually<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> disappears in mist, it gives to the Falls a
+certain mystery and suggestion of vastness that cannot possibly be
+experienced by the spectator except upon a thoroughly wet, misty day.</p>
+
+<p>Therefore I congratulated myself that I saw Niagara on my first visit at
+its wettest and best. Had I waited till the next day I could have gone
+to exactly the same points at Niagara and seen the same pictures, in
+water and colour of course, totally different in effect. You ought to
+allow at least three days instead of three hours to inspect Niagara. The
+first day ought to be wet, then one fine morning you should see it early
+and drive round it in the beautiful afternoon, and stroll there alone or
+otherwise by moonlight.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img100.jpg" width="650" height="431" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">I ADMIRE THE GREAT HORSESHOE FALL.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>There I stood under my umbrella, with the rain coming down in sheets and
+the spray and mist rising up, feeling that I must do one or both of two
+things&mdash;write poetry or commit suicide. I had just got to&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>
+"Oh, dashing, splashing King of Water,<br />
+Is that mist thy lovely daughter?<br />
+Tell me, through thy roar and thunder,<br />
+Canst thou&mdash;&mdash;"<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>when the crack of a whip brought me to my senses. It was produced by my
+faithful driver, who had come in search of me. I was saved.</p>
+
+<p>He explained to me the wonders of the Great Horseshoe Fall (who more
+able to do this than a driver?), and wound up by saying:</p>
+
+<p>"Guess we'll harness Niagara yet&mdash;we've got the traces nearly on now."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img101.jpg" width="650" height="532" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">JONATHAN HARNESSING NIAGARA.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>We had reached the carriage and pair when this meditative remark escaped
+him. Thinking he was referring to some other gee-gee of his, possibly
+one called appropriately after the Falls, and which was being broken in,
+I said that I thought the present pair went very well in harness
+together and had a lot of work in them yet.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, certn'ly," was all he said as he shut the carriage door, but he
+gave me a puzzled, anxious look, and I saw that he caught sight of my
+poetry. I evidently had not understood his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> remark, nor had he
+comprehended mine. At the next stopping place, about a mile above the
+Falls, he explained that "there was seven million horse-power running
+wild." It is to be "harnessed" at a cost of about 5,200,000 dollars, and
+horse-power of upwards of 260,000 will be collared. Yes, Jonathan,
+mounted upon his thirsty steed Dollars, is about to lasso picturesque
+Niagara. I saw through the mist the destroyers at work; mills with their
+hideous chimneys and dirty smoke, and attendant railways puffing
+commerce will be seen when the landscape is clear. Jonathan cares not;
+as a writer on this act of ultra-vandalism declares:</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing is sacred to the practical man of the present age, especially
+when he happens to dwell on the other side of the Atlantic. There he
+uses the wonders of Nature as advertising boards for puffing quack
+medicines or patent stoves, and the picturesque and the grandiose are
+only appreciated by him in proportion to their utilitarian value."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/img102.jpg" width="450" height="311" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">&quot;THE THREE SISTERS.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Of course I paid my respects to the sisters of Niagara, or rather, to
+the islands of that name. To do so I had to leave the carriage and walk
+to the islands over little bridges, and again that feeling of
+fascination overcame me, and looking round to see that the driver was
+not following me a second time, I stealthily pulled out my verse and
+abandoned myself to my poetical inspirations. I had my eyes fixed upon
+three rocks in front of me, round which the waters, in all sorts of
+forms and colours, were dashing. "The Three Sisters," I repeated to
+myself. "Three sisters&mdash;some idea to work in here. Let me see, the
+daughter is the mist&mdash;the three sisters&mdash;why, there they are!" Oh, why
+was I born a caricaturist? All poetry had vanished; Niagara's
+fascination was dispelled!</p>
+
+<p>When next you visit Niagara stand on the last of the three<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> sisters and
+find the three portraits in the rocks. It is a puzzle picture; a
+<i>fac-simile</i> of which I here present you with.</p>
+
+<p>I was next driven to the Inclined Railway, to descend which would enable
+me to see the Falls from below. Arrived there, I found an old lady
+cross-examining the attendant anent the safety of the railway, which,
+truth to tell, is somewhat appalling to look at, the incline being at an
+angle of thirty-one degrees. The motive-power is water, and what the old
+lady wanted to know was whether the water would hold out long enough to
+bring her back again.</p>
+
+<p>"Niagara dry up in five minutes? Wal, old gal, that's clever! Guess this
+railway's bin workin' every day you have&mdash;forty-five years now."</p>
+
+<p>The questioner, who had witnessed, at the least computation, sixty
+summers come and go, promptly vanished at this soft impeachment, and I
+descended alone.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 303px;">
+<img src="images/img103.jpg" width="303" height="450" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">INCLINED RAILWAY, NIAGARA.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Wonderful, magnificent as Niagara indubitably is, that sense which
+enables me to drink in and appreciate to the full Nature's works of
+sublime grandeur and vastness was ruined for the day. My eyes had beheld
+the "Three Sisters" in the rocks; after that they discovered faces in
+everything. They fell upon this mountain of ice and beheld spray that
+had frozen into a grinning mask. Cautiously I picked my way along the
+treacherous surface in the direction of its ear to see the spray rising
+up from the other side, when suddenly my feet slipped on the ice and I
+had had a fall as well as seen one.</p>
+
+<p>In all probability this <i>contretemps</i> would have been avoided had I not
+been followed by one of those pests, a guide, the sight of whom caused
+me to make undue hurry over the frozen<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> surface. Harpies of this ilk are
+the bane of sight-seeing all the world over.</p>
+
+<p>My next performance was to drive through the town of wood for the
+purpose of striking the water at another point; this accomplishment
+being attended with the risk of being run over by passing trains, which
+run vindictively as well as promiscuously over the unprotected
+thoroughfares.</p>
+
+<p>Having run this gauntlet successfully, I passed through a house which is
+a store containing photographs and mementoes of the place and a couple
+of persevering, persuasive maidens, whose efforts to make life a burden
+to you until you buy some of the rubbish are usually rewarded with
+unqualified success. After fighting my way through this edifice I was
+taken in hand by a juvenile guide, who discoursed in the orthodox
+fashion of his kind about the Whirlpool Rapid, pointed out where plucky,
+foolish Captain Webb met his death, crushed by the force of water, and,
+lower down, the spot where his body was found. Then my young chaperon
+unburdened himself of a string of horrors concerning men in barrels,
+insane women who from time to time have thrown themselves in, the little
+steamer whose occupants shot the rapids for a wager and nearly paid for
+their temerity with their lives, and many more similarly pleasant
+reminiscences were conjured up through Niagara's haze on this drizzly
+afternoon.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/img104.jpg" width="500" height="340" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">WHERE CAPTAIN WEBB WAS KILLED.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Subsequently I had to make use of another "elevator," which, judging by
+the velocity of the ascent and descent, is probably worked by a
+detachment of specially-trained tortoises. Down by the rapids I made the
+pleasing discovery that after all I had some sense of the sublime left,
+for I was roused to further anticipated flights of enthusiasm by the
+magnificent spectacle of the vast volumes of water foaming, rushing,
+eddying, swirling<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> along on their onward course with rush impetuous and
+irresistible as the whirlwind, and I felt for my pocket-book to complete
+my ode to mighty Niagara.</p>
+
+<p>I had not noticed until that moment two commercial-looking individuals,
+obviously British, seated close by and gazing biliously upon the
+marvellous rapids; but I heard one remark to the other:</p>
+
+<p>"'Enery, that's where Webb 'it 'is 'ed, hain't it?"</p>
+
+<p>I disappeared rapidly in the direction of the "helevator," and fled the
+disenchanted scene.</p>
+
+<p>Blondin vulgarised Niagara; Jonathan is going to turn it into a colossal
+mill-sewer. So make hay while the sun shines, or rather when the rain
+falls, and see it soon.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 332px;">
+<img src="images/img105.jpg" width="332" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">TOURISTS.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>To us in England who are in the habit of rushing to a station to demand
+a ticket for a journey across England, or to the North of Scotland, or
+to the West of Ireland, and expect as a matter of course to find the
+necessary accommodation, it seems strange that the Americans are so
+"previous" in their arrangements. The sale of tickets, which is here
+conducted with ease and despatch at the various termini, or, if you
+desire to be "previous," at the depots of the companies in the centre of
+the town, is in the States made a means of causing "corners" in
+speculation. There are, I am informed, actually brokers who buy up the
+tickets for the express mail trains, and whose prices rise and fall like
+the stocks on 'Change.</p>
+
+<p>For instance, in Chicago there is a whole street of these brokers. I
+wanted to go to Buffalo. I got a prominent citizen to escort me to the
+railway, and I felt some honour had been conferred upon me when I paid
+the full fare and had a corner seat in the Pullman allotted to me. When
+I arrived at the station I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> discovered that next to me was a mother with
+two children, who were already climbing over my armchair instead of
+their own, and fighting for and tearing the papers and magazines I had
+just purchased. There was another horror I hadn't noticed at my first
+glance, moreover. This took the shape of an infant of some months, which
+immediately began to squeal with a shrillness that forcibly reminded me
+of the siren on the Atlantic. No craft ever flew before the siren of an
+approaching Atlantic liner more quickly than did I from that infant. I
+at once abandoned my seat.</p>
+
+<p>Now instead of going as one would in England to a station official,
+telling him you are going by the next train and taking your seat in it
+as a matter of course, I had to go into the city again, interview the
+officials at their office, and ask as a special compliment to be allowed
+to start a few hours later. All this is very surprising in a country
+where, of all places, time is money.</p>
+
+<p>In a long journey you pass through many States, in the two senses of the
+word. Possibly you may find yourself in a state of thirst, but although
+you are surrounded by drinks galore you cannot get the wherewithal to
+quench it, for you are passing through a proclaimed State, and drinking
+in that is illegal. Or you may be passing through a State free from the
+temperance faddist, where intoxicating beverages are to be had for
+paying for them, and suddenly discover that you are in a state of
+hunger, say five hours after your dinner; but the coloured gentleman who
+officiates as cook is snoring, and fifty dollars won't buy you a
+mouthful of bread, so you find that your last state is considerably
+worse than your first. I have experienced both.</p>
+
+<p>I had the good fortune to "strike" an English friend on my journey, and
+with him I shared a compartment in the Pullman. The overheated state of
+the cars caused us both to have an unnatural thirst, and we longed for a
+refreshing draught of air and liquid. Lunch was announced. I was quickly
+in the dining car, and sat down opposite to an American, who had already
+tackled his soup and poured out his first glass of claret from a quart
+bottle. Feverishly I seized the wine-card. My<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> vis-&agrave;-vis looked at me
+over his spectacles, and called out to the "coloured gentleman," "Bring
+another glass." The glass was brought, and the stranger (I had never
+seen him before) filled it with claret and placed it in front of me.
+"Thanks awfully!" I said, "but&mdash;er&mdash;really&mdash;er I am going to order.
+Don't let me deprive you of your wine."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 477px;">
+<img src="images/img107.jpg" width="477" height="600" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AMERICAN TRAVELLING. NOTHING TO EAT.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>"Why, sir, guess you may order what you like, but you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> won't get it! I
+was caught once myself, fifteen years ago. Kean't buy liquor in this
+State we're strikin' now, stranger. I bring mine along with me
+now&mdash;enough for two, in case some green traveller crops up. You're
+heartily welcome, sir, and here's your health!"</p>
+
+<p>This is the local legislation! My feeling of disgust for the arbitrary,
+narrow-minded, parochial parasite of the law-jobber was tempered by the
+generosity of the native, and this is only one instance out of hundreds
+I have experienced of the extreme kindness and courtesy of strangers in
+the States.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img108.jpg" width="650" height="564" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AMERICAN TRAVELLING. NOTHING TO DRINK.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p>I could not resist this splendid opportunity to tantalise my Scotch
+friend and fellow traveller. He sat down beside me and I handed him the
+wine-card. He wiped his fevered brow<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> and his parched lips parted in a
+smile as he ran his eager eye down the list. When he had scanned the
+names (and prices) I broke in with:</p>
+
+<p>"I say, old fellow, champagne to-day; a magnum of the best&mdash;it's my
+birthday, so hang the expense! Oh, yes, I know it's a ten-pound note,
+but I do feel this infernal shaking, noise and heat, and when else would
+we feel better able to appreciate a good sparkling 'tall drink'? I pay,
+and I insist&mdash;you order it and see that we get it!"</p>
+
+<p>My friendly stranger on the other side simply gazed at me without moving
+a muscle of his face, and said not a word, still I haven't the slightest
+doubt that he was thoroughly enjoying the joke in his American fashion.
+My Scotch friend's face brightened up at the prospect of refreshing his
+parched larynx with a long drink of champagne; but it was difficult to
+see whether he or the "coloured gentleman" looked the blacker when the
+latter informed him that the only beverage he could have was ginger ale!
+<i>Verb. sap.</i>: Never travel on an American railway without your own wine.
+Surely the railway companies, who justly pride themselves on the way
+they study the comfort of their travellers, should warn the unwary in
+time, for it is not everyone who is lucky enough to meet with a good
+Samaritan as I did.</p>
+
+<p>A friend tells me that some of the "coloured gentlemen-in-waiting" on
+these cars have an eye for business, and when a stranger is victimised
+by these stupid and selfish laws, they serve up to him Rhine wine out of
+a teapot as weak tea!</p>
+
+<p>If you doubt the truth of the following, ask any traveller who has
+rushed through the States at the rate of two hundred and fifty miles an
+hour to verify it.</p>
+
+<p>You sit down to the principal meal of the day in the dining car at say
+six o'clock. Not happening to be an American, you intend to eat your
+meal in a reasonable time, say an hour, instead of five minutes. Why
+hurry? What is there to do before retiring to the sleeping car to be
+jolted sleeplessly about for seven or eight hours? Nothing; so take as
+long as possible over your meal. You leisurely order a wine from the
+list, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> it is brought, uncorked and placed by your side. After the
+soup and fish you think you will take glass No. 1, but no, not a bit of
+it! You are now rushing through a proclaimed State, and your glass and
+bottle are promptly removed. Sancho Panza never looked so surprised as
+you do. To add insult to injury, or rather injury to insult, you are
+brought that frightful cause of indigestion, "iced water." I have been
+told "by one who knows" never to touch the ice on these railway cars; it
+is not safe, though for what reason I cannot at the moment recollect. It
+comes from some wayside cesspool or out of a rusty copper boiler, or is
+the refrigerated perspiration off the railway carriage windows, or
+something dreadful; anyway, it is unsafe. So you look at it and toy with
+the next course on the chance of flying quickly through this detestable
+state of narrow-mindedness and broad absurdity. Your patience is
+rewarded. You fly past some wooden houses and blazing factories and
+vulgar advertisements of quack medicines, the vendors of which forsooth
+are those who prohibit a weary traveller from aiding digestion by
+drinking an innocent and harmless beverage. The "coloured gentleman"
+returns smiling with the bottle and glass.</p>
+
+<p>"Guess we've cut through that State; this isn't proclaimed."</p>
+
+<p>You drink confusion to the priggish provincial faddist whose State we
+have just passed, and continue your dinner.</p>
+
+<p>I am a slow drinker. During my late illness, the illness that caused my
+trip to America, I had to take all my meals dry&mdash;allowed to drink
+nothing whatever, not even a drop of water; so perhaps it is not
+unnatural that after months of this treatment I should find a difficulty
+in drinking before my meal is over. So when the above-mentioned incident
+occurred to me, it so happened that I was in no hurry to raise my glass
+to my lips. At last I took it up, but before I could transfer any of its
+contents to the interior of my throat a dusky hand was placed on mine
+and the glass was removed.</p>
+
+<p>"Sorry, but we're in another proclaimed State now!"</p>
+
+<p>I prayed that one of these fiendish faddists might enter the car at that
+moment. I passed a solemn resolution that I would pour all the contents
+of the cruets down his cursed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> throat and make hideous caricatures of
+him all over the wine list!</p>
+
+<p>More wooden houses and their wooden-headed occupants were passed, and at
+last I was at liberty to have a drink.</p>
+
+<p>Ice is not of necessity pure nor wine impure. If these ignorant fools
+are unable to drink without proving to the world that Nature intended
+them for beasts, it is no reason why they should make laws for their
+betters, particularly for the stranger flying through their country,
+which they misappropriately call free.</p>
+
+<p>Again I hark back to the laying of railway lines, which I repeat we
+manage better in England than they do in the States. The sleeper in his
+berth in an American car is tossed up and down to such an extent that
+his vocabulary is exhausted in anathematising the sleepers under the
+rails. It doesn't seem as if the Transatlantic lines are ever going to
+adopt our thorough system of track-laying. I met a railway expert on the
+boat going out who had been to England to inspect officially the laying
+of a railway, and he assured me that if they were to take up all the
+tracks in America and relay them in our way it would financially break
+them, enormously rich as the railway kings of the States are.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/img111.jpg" width="450" height="304" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">SLEEP(!)</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>I must candidly say I don't care about sleeping in those cars. The heat
+can be avoided by paying extra and having a coup&eacute; to yourself, or
+sharing it with a friend, as I did. My first experience was on that
+journey from Chicago which I mentioned before,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> and I shall never forget
+it. I had at the last moment to take the only berth left, and it
+happened to be a top one. I was the last to retire that night, and my
+struggles to climb to my perch were so ludicrous that I was glad there
+were no spectators. I placed my handbags, hat-boxes, &amp;c., one on top of
+another, and mounted them as cautiously as an acrobat ascending a
+pyramid of decanters, and scrambled in. I then proceeded to divest
+myself of my articles of clothing. I noticed that the snoring of the
+gentleman in the berth underneath grew softer and somewhat stifled, and
+as I wound up my watch and placed it, as I thought, under the pillow, he
+jumped frantically out from behind his curtains and went head over heels
+amongst my improvised steps. Then I began to realise what had happened.
+I had not understood the mechanism of the arrangements, and under the
+impression that I was placing my clothes, &amp;c., on the ledge, I was in
+reality dropping them on to the unfortunate occupant of the nether
+berth, hence the muffled snoring, and when my forty guinea repeater
+descended upon some unprotected portion of his cranium it put the
+closure on his dreams in a most abrupt manner.</p>
+
+<p>When you are introduced to an Englishman he invariably invites you to
+eat something. "You must come and dine with us quietly at home,
+don't-cher-know," or "I must rig up a dinner for you at the club some
+night," &amp;c. A Scotchman suggests your drinking something&mdash;urges upon you
+the claims of the Mountain Dew; a Frenchman wishes at once to show you
+something, the Bois de Boulogne or the Arc de Triomphe; a German desires
+you to smoke something; an Italian to buy something; and an Australian
+to kill something, but an American wants an opinion "right away."</p>
+
+<p>"Waal, sur, what do you think of our gre&mdash;e&mdash;eat country? What do you
+think of this wonderful city? What do you think of the Amurrican gurl?"</p>
+
+<p>This latter is a question which one is asked in the States morning,
+noon, and night.</p>
+
+<p>To endeavour to effect a compromise by admitting that she is quite as
+charming as the English girl, as pretty&mdash;though of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> course of a
+different type&mdash;still equally charming, is a waste of time. You will be
+met with the commonplace "Get out!" and an added enquiry, "Now don't you
+think she's just the most fascinating and lovely creature on this earth,
+and by comparison with your English girls ain't she just sweet?"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;">
+<img src="images/img113.jpg" width="700" height="485" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">A WASHINGTON LADY.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>My own tactics were simple&mdash;I hedged.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see," I replied to a question similar to the above, "I have
+met but few as yet of your representative American girls. To be sure, I
+have seen your cosmopolitan New York beauty, your Washington diplomat,
+and your Chicago daughter of Boom, and so on; but there are yet many
+fields of beauty unexplored, and I prefer to withhold my opinion till I
+have had an opportunity of judging from further experience. I am quite
+prepared to admit, however, that the general impression made upon an
+observant Englishman is that American ladies dress better than does the
+average Englishwoman; or, at any rate, carry themselves with more grace,
+and thus show off their gowns to greater advantage."</p>
+
+<p>"Correct! That is absolutely true," said a lady to me in Washington,
+after I had delivered myself of the above stereotyped remark. "Your
+English girls have awful figures, and they know absolutely nothing about
+putting on their gowns. Why, my dressmaker in London&mdash;the very
+best&mdash;made me laugh till I was nearly sick, by describing to me the
+stupidity of her English customers. She declares that she positively has
+to pin on a new dress when sending it home, a label stating: 'This is
+the front'; and one day, when she omitted this precaution, she had a
+riding-habit returned with the complaint that it did not 'set'
+correctly. The lady had put it on wrong side foremost." This was told me
+in all seriousness by one of the brightest and most intelligent ladies I
+met during my stay in America, who, I am quite sure, was firmly
+convinced of the truth of the statement made by the dressmaker.</p>
+
+<p>It happened that one day I had been hard at work in my rooms at the
+hotel, and as the daylight failed, before turning on the unrestful
+electric light, I lit a cigarette and threw myself into the
+rocking-chair to enjoy a peaceful quarter of an hour, when a knock came
+to the door and a card was brought to me, "Miss Liza Prettyville
+Simmerman, the <i>Examiner</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Another interviewer! Had the card been Patrick McKee O'Fleister, the
+<i>Examiner</i> might disappear with the setting sun for aught I cared, but
+the name struck me as being pretty (lady<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> interviewers generally have
+pretty names). It occurred to me that it would be interesting to see if
+the name fitted the owner, so I said I would see her.</p>
+
+<p>It fitted. "Sorry to disturb you," with a delightful accent and musical
+voice. A pretty interviewer! A pretty American girl with a musical
+voice! A <i>rara avis</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I ordered up tea for two.</p>
+
+<p>"You know, sir, what I am going to ask you. What do you think of the
+American girl?"</p>
+
+<p>"That," I said, "I'll tell you on one condition, Miss Simmerman, that
+you first tell me what you think of her yourself."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" she replied, with a laugh, "that is not so easy a task&mdash;we do not
+see ourselves as others see us."</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 307px;">
+<img src="images/img115.jpg" width="307" height="350" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">A LADY INTERVIEWER.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>"No, Miss Simmerman, and even when one listens to strangers, or reads
+their impressions, one is apt to form a wrong estimate of oneself. Let
+me therefore change the question, and ask, what do you think of the
+English girl?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! I think she is delightful."</p>
+
+<p>"How would you describe the typical English girl?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, she is very tall and thin, and quiet, and has a nice voice, lots
+of hair, and walks well."</p>
+
+<p>"And talks seldom?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, she is not as vivacious as the American girl, but she is more
+sincere and thorough, and a deeper thinker, and not so much merely on
+the surface as our girls are."</p>
+
+<p>"But," I put in, "you say, do you not, that she does not know how to
+dress her hair or wear her clothes properly?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, that is so, and it is noticeable more particularly in her
+headgear, which she wears well over her eyes; in fact the higher she is
+in the social scale, the more tilted is her hat. One thing the American
+girls do envy is the healthy, fresh, clear complexion of the English
+girl. The green of the grass and the splendid complexion of your girls
+are the two things which first strike the American visiting England.
+Both of these, we are told, are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> due to the climate, and this doubtless
+is a fact, for when an American girl has been in England a short time
+the colour comes to her cheeks, only to disappear on her return to her
+native land. Another thing we admire is the English girl's figure.
+American girls are either slim as compared with English girls, or else
+very stout. We have not the happy medium of the daughters of England."</p>
+
+<p>"Pardon me, but is not the pale-faced daughter of America a little
+spoilt?"</p>
+
+<p>"From an English point of view, yes. American men's one idea besides
+work is the worship of American women. You say anything you like about
+America or Americans to Jonathan, but you must give nothing but praise
+to the American woman."</p>
+
+<p>"But we in England love our women folk also."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 303px;">
+<img src="images/img116.jpg" width="303" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">A SKETCH AT &quot;DEL&#39;S.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>"Ah! yes, but there is not such a contrast between an Englishman and an
+English lady as there is between an American and his wife. Our 'Qui
+Vive' women are so much superior to the men."</p>
+
+<p>"I will admit that."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well, then, I will admit that American girls are somewhat awkward
+with their arms, and have no idea what to do with them. As they walk
+they stick their elbows out, and when they stand still they hold their
+arms exactly the way the dressmakers pose when having a dress tried on."</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose they have little use for their arms?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, as a fact, American girls do not busy themselves or enjoy work as
+English girls do. Their fathers, husbands, and brothers work, and they
+look on."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I have noticed that all over the States. Women talk, men listen,
+but when men talk it is dollars, dollars, dollars. The girl is bored,
+and sighs for London or Paris, until she is old enough to talk dollars
+herself."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>In face, I notice, the American girl is quite distinct from her English
+sister. I notice a difference in the way the upper lip sweeps down from
+the outer edge of the nostril; but more noticeable still is the fact
+that the cheek-bones of the American girls are not so prominent, and the
+smooth curve down the cheek to the chin is less broken by smaller
+curves. In social life the American girl charms an Englishman by her
+natural and unaffected manner. Our English girls are very carefully
+brought up, and are continually warned that this thing or that is "bad
+form." As a result, when they enter Society they are more or less in
+fear of saying or doing something that will not be considered suitable.
+As a matter of fact they are not lacking in energy or vivacity, but
+these qualities are suppressed in public, and only come to the surface
+in the society of intimates. American girls from childhood upwards are
+much more independent; they have much more freedom and encouragement in
+coming forward than ours. The vivacity and liberty expected of an
+American girl in social intercourse are considered&mdash;as I say&mdash;bad form
+for our girls.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 173px;">
+<img src="images/img117.jpg" width="173" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">YOUNG AMERICA.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The observant stranger will, if an artist, also be struck by the fact
+that the face of an American girl, as well as the voice, is often that
+of a child; in fact, if one were not afraid of being misunderstood, and
+therefore thought rude, one could describe the American girl better by
+saying that she has a baby's face on a woman's body than by any
+word-painting or brush-painting either. The large forehead, round eyes,
+round cheeks, and round lips of the baby remain; and, as the present
+fashion is to dress the hair ornamentally after the fashion of a doll,
+the picture is complete.</p>
+
+<p>The eyes of an American girl are closer together than those of her
+English cousin, and are smaller; her hands are smaller, too, and so are
+her feet, but neither are so well-shaped as the English girls.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>Let me follow the American girl from her babyhood upwards. The first is
+the baby, plump, bright-eyed, and with more expression than the average
+English child; a little older, see her still plump, short-legged, made
+to look stout by the double covering of the leg bulging over the boots;
+older, but still some years from her teens, she is still plump from the
+tip of her toe to her eyebrow, with an expression and a manner ten years
+in advance of her years, and you may take it from this age onwards the
+American girl is always ten years in advance of an English girl; next
+the school-girl; then that ungainly age "sweet seventeen." She seems
+twenty-seven, and thenceforwards her plumpness disappears generally, but
+remains in her face, and the cheeks and chin of the baby are still with
+her.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 178px;">
+<img src="images/img118.jpg" width="178" height="500" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AN AMERICAN MENU.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Suddenly, ten years before the time, and in one season, happens what in
+the life of an English matron would take ten. The bubble bursts, the
+baby face collapses, just as if you pricked it with a pin, and she is
+left sans teeth, sans eyes, sans beauty, sans everything. This is the
+American girl in a hurry, and these remarks only apply to the exhausted
+New York, the sensational Chicago, the anxious Washington, and the
+over-strained child of that portion of America in a hurry.</p>
+
+<p>I have not quite made up my mind as to whether I like the American girl
+or her mother the better. They are both vivacious and charming, but of
+course the younger is the prettier, and in point of attractiveness
+scores more than her mother.</p>
+
+<p>It is true, as I have said, that American girls do "go off" very soon. I
+must confess that one evening at dinner,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> surrounded by charming young
+Americans, I was bold enough to say so. It was a very inopportune moment
+to have made the remark, for seated next to me was a remarkably fine and
+handsome young lady, who informed me that she had five sisters&mdash;I think
+it was five&mdash;and I was assured by our host that they were all of them as
+"elegant" as my fair neighbour, and that the mother looked as young as
+the daughters.</p>
+
+<p>At the reception, after dinner, I was introduced to the mother, and
+found the exception that proved the rule. We had quite a discussion upon
+the staying powers of the American beauty; but despite all arguments I
+am convinced, through my own observations in England and America, that
+American ladies do not wear so well as English. No doubt this is due, in
+some measure, to the climate, and in a greater degree to the mode of
+living. However, before dealing with this rather ticklish subject, I had
+better finish what I had to say about the evening in question, or this
+particular young lady may take my remarks as personal.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 350px;">
+<img src="images/img119.jpg" width="350" height="328" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MY PORTRAIT&mdash;<i>IN THE FUTURE.</i></span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p>We discussed age and wear and tear <i>ad nauseam</i>. I felt rather aggrieved
+by being put down by those members of the Press who had discussed my
+personal failings for the benefit of their readers, as several years
+older than I really am (all due, no doubt, to my premature baldness). So
+I asked for the secret of the American hair-preserving elixir, and my
+charming companion assured me that she had really and truly discovered
+an infallible composition for producing hair! This she promised to send
+to me, and upon my return to England I received the following charming
+letter, which I publish for the benefit of all those whose hair, like my
+own, is becoming, to quote an American paper, "a little depleted on the
+top of the dome of thought." I have not yet tried the remedy, but I
+intend to do so, and when I appear<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> again on the American platforms I
+shall probably rival Paderewski, who owes a great deal of his success
+and fortune to his "thatch."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The following is copyright: "<b>LIKA JOKO HAIR RESTORER.</b>"</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">My dear</span> <i>Mr. Furnace</i>,</p>
+
+<p>"Fearing you would think me lacking in a sense of humor I have
+hesitated to send you the receipt you asked for, but, being an
+American, I fear it would not be true to my country's principles to
+allow such an opportunity for promoting growth to pass unheeded.</p>
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="LIKA JOKO HAIR RESTORER">
+<tr><td align='left'>Two tablespoonsful alcohol,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Two tablespoonsful flour of sulphur,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Two tablespoonsful castor oil,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>One pint boiling water.</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<p>"Put in bottle, shake well and allow it to stand three days before
+using. Rub well into the scalp every night.</p>
+
+<p>"Here it is, and I trust soon to receive the pen and ink sketch in
+proof of its unrivalled success.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+"Very sincerely,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 8em;">"&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;"</span></p>
+
+<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">"Brooklyn,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">"April 20th, 1892."</span>
+</p></div>
+
+
+<p>I suppose my benefactress, if I disclosed her name, would be worried to
+death by the multitudinous proprietors of shiny-surfaced "domes of
+thought." Notice she calls me a furnace! Too suggestive of the sulphur!
+alcohol!! boiling water!!!</p>
+
+<p>I must confess that it was with some trepidation I accepted an
+invitation to a reception of the Twelfth Night Club of New York&mdash;a club
+for ladies only, which invites one guest, a man, once a month&mdash;no other
+member of male sex is allowed within the precincts of the club. I
+survived. Next day the papers announced the fact under the following
+characteristic American headlines:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+      <h4>TWELFTH NIGHT GIRLS REJOICE.<br />
+
+      FURNISS GETS A WARM GREETING.</h4>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h4>CARICATURIST TALKS TO TWELFTH NIGHT WOMEN.</h4>
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<h4>ROTUND ENGLISHMAN TELLS HIS EXPERIENCES IN<br />
+            HIS BREEZY WAY.</h4>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img121.jpg" width="650" height="521" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">I AM ENTERTAINED AT THE TWELFTH NIGHT CLUB.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I was pleased to read that the lady reporter considered that I "bore the
+courtesies with the grace of a well-bred Englishman and with less
+embarrassment than the average man evinces at being the only one of his
+sex present upon these occasions(!). According to one of the iron bound
+rules of this club the guest of honour is the only man admitted, and as
+such Mr. Furniss was received with enthusiasm. If he could have
+projected his astral body to the other end of the room, and from there
+have sketched himself as he turned off autographs to the pleading group
+of women, it would not have made the least funny picture in his
+collection."</p>
+
+<p>I agree in this latter part, for the whole affair struck me as intensely
+funny, and not at all appalling&mdash;in fact, I spent a very delightful
+afternoon. A lady whose dress the papers described as "a costume of
+brown brocade and lace" played<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> beautifully. Another "dressed in grey
+satin and chiffon" sang charmingly. A third who wore "a skirt of black
+and a primrose bodice trimmed with lace" recited with much talent, and a
+galaxy of the belles of New York, ladies of society, and professional
+stars of the pen, the platform and the stage combined to make feel at
+home. I had to acknowledge in thanking them that although I perhaps
+failed to draw American women, American women had certainly succeeded in
+drawing me.</p>
+
+<p>After this pleasant experience it was with a light heart I accepted a
+similar invitation when shortly afterwards I visited another city. Again
+I was to be entertained at a Ladies' Club, but to my surprise I found
+it, not as I did the New York Club, modestly accommodated in a large
+flat, but a club having its own imposing building&mdash;as important as any
+in the West End of London. Carriages lined the street, and a crowd
+surrounded the entrance. Still, I was not unhappy. The entertainment
+would surely be proportionately long, and I would have less to say. I
+was, as at the other club, unprepared, preferring to pick up some idea
+for a reply during the entertainment prepared to honour me. The hall and
+staircases were crowded with a most fashionable gathering; two large
+reception-rooms&mdash;with open folding doors&mdash;were well filled with ladies
+seated. The President met me at the door and escorted me to a small
+platform in the centre of the rooms, on which were a reading-desk and a
+glass of water! After formally and briefly introducing me, she asked if
+any man was present. It so happened that in a corner behind the piano
+one was found and immediately ejected, and I was left alone to begin! My
+first impulse was to make a rush for that corner behind the piano, but
+rows and rows of seated dazzling beauty formed a barricade I could not
+negotiate. I had in the few words of introduction caught the name of Sir
+Edwin Arnold and others who had stood where I did at that moment.
+Yes,&mdash;but they were doubtless warned beforehand of what was expected of
+them, and therefore came prepared. I, on the other hand, stood there
+"flabbergasted"! I confess I never felt so cornered. No, if I had been
+cornered&mdash;but there<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> on a platform to face the music! No, not the music,
+there was none! I had to speak&mdash;about what? for how long? to whom?</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 537px;">
+<img src="images/img123.jpg" width="537" height="600" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">RECEPTION AT A LADIES&#39; CLUB.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>I made a plunge. I confessed honestly I was unprepared. I explained that
+I had accepted the invitation on my arrival&mdash;believing I was to be
+entertained, not to be the entertainer. That I had none of the
+flattering phrases ready of those who had stood before them on similar
+occasions, and furthermore I did not believe in such platitudes. This I
+quickly saw was my key.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, ladies, as I am face to face with this unique gathering of
+American women&mdash;and alone&mdash;I have at last a chance I have long waited
+for. I want to tell what I <i>really</i> think of you. I respect you for your
+cleverness. To roll off empty compliments<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> and&mdash;if I could&mdash;poetical
+platitudes also with my tongue in my cheek, as others have done, would
+be to insult your intelligence. You only want to hear me speak on one
+subject, yourselves, the American woman, and compare her with the
+English woman. Let me first speak as an artist.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 209px;">
+<img src="images/img124.jpg" width="209" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">WIFE AND HUSBAND.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>"Now, if there is one thing I have heard repeatedly from the lips of
+American women it is that the English man is superior to the English
+girl. You, in fact, look upon the English girl with contempt. You
+certainly admire and emulate to a certain extent the fashionable Society
+women of England, but the ordinary English girl you treat with
+indifference, and speak of with contumely. You look upon her as a
+badly-dressed idiot. That may strike your ears as a sweeping assertion,
+but my ears have tingled over and over again by hearing that very
+sentiment coming from your own pretty mouths. Now, as we are alone, let
+me say a word or two on that point. You say the English woman is a fool.
+You say that the English man is bright, clever and brave. One has only
+to look round the world to realise that your opinion of the English man
+is right. That one little dot on the map, England, predominates the
+greater portion of the globe. That is the result of the plucky and
+accomplished English man you so much admire. Now, I will ask you one
+question. Did you ever hear of a clever man who had a stupid mother? The
+history of the world shows that all great men had mothers with brains.
+In considering this recollect that we are agreed that the English man is
+superior to the American man. Does that show that the American mothers
+are cleverer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> than the English mothers? No,&mdash;it points to the reverse,
+that the English girl you look down upon, under her soft, gentle manner
+has something superior to you American women&mdash;she has solidity and
+brain-power. That is why the English man is superior to the American.
+Now, ladies, you, with your pretty faces, your charming manners, your
+vitality, and shall I say it? your worldliness, have boys who are&mdash;well,
+equal to what you consider the English girl to be. Of course it is
+always unsafe to generalise, but as you generalise yourselves and
+sweepingly assert that the English girls are born idiots, I want you to
+understand from a man who has not come here to tell you lies, but to
+tell you the truth, that if America is really to be the great country of
+the future, the sooner you begin to model yourselves on the English
+girls the better."</p>
+
+<p>I said a great deal more, but I shall not confess anything further about
+the charming American ladies just now.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/img125.jpg" width="300" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">A DREAM OF THE WHITE HOUSE.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>We English have an impression that all American men, women, and children
+are politicians, and it is the dream of every youthful American one day
+to occupy the White House. But in the great contest of 1896 there was
+something deeper than mere ambition. When I went over in the steamer I
+travelled with some overworked, big city merchants who were sacrificing
+their holiday in Europe to vote for Mr. McKinley; the little children
+wore the national flag in their buttonholes; and the last evening we had
+at sea a lady called me on to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span> deck and said, "Look at that
+beautiful golden sunset! It is a symbol that America is for gold." And
+as we looked behind at the sea-mist we had passed through, she found in
+that the symbol of silver! In fact, for a foreigner, I had had quite
+enough of the Presidential election before the steamer arrived at the
+White Star Line landing-stage.</p>
+
+<p>I crossed the Herring Pond in chill October, so as to be in New York for
+the last stages of the Presidential contest. The last stages of these
+elections, although exciting and interesting from a political point of
+view, are not to be compared with the earlier scenes for effect. For the
+purpose of sketching scenes the artist should be there in the heat of
+summer, and in the heat of the Conventional controversies. At the time
+of brilliant sunshine, when in that year America was so much <i>en
+&eacute;vidence</i> in England, when Yale was rowing so pluckily at Henley, when
+Haverford College was playing our schools at our national game, when the
+Ancient and Honourable Artillery Company of Boston were being f&ecirc;ted
+right royally in the Old Country, when London was fuller of American
+visitors than at any other time&mdash;it was then that all the fun of
+political affairs was taking place in the United States for the fight
+for Gold <i>v.</i> Free Silver.</p>
+
+<p>It is at the two gigantic Conventions at which the rival candidates are
+nominated that the artist finds material for his pencil, the satirist
+for his pen, and the man of the world food for reflection. By all
+accounts, these Conventions baffle description. Everything is sacrificed
+to spectacular effect. They take place in huge buildings decorated with
+banners, emblems of all kinds, startling devices, transparencies, and
+portraits of the candidates. Bands play different airs at the same time;
+processions are formed and marched all over the hall, carrying emblems
+and portrait banners, the State delegates carrying the State standards
+in front of each procession to the cheers and yells of their supporters.
+Similar demonstrations are carried on in the galleries. Girls dressed
+symbolically representing silver or gold, or some topic of interest in
+the election, wave flags and lead demonstrations, perhaps acting as an
+antidote to the less attractive surroundings.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The election being a purely commercial question, I attended the meetings
+held in commercial districts, where the excitement ran high. During the
+lunch hour crowds attend the political gatherings held in the centre of
+the business districts in large stores turned into halls for
+speechifying and demonstrations, and great as the subject is, and grave
+as is the issue, the ludicrous is the first feature to strike the
+stranger. A great empty store, running the whole length of the ground
+floor of one of the monster ten, twenty, or what you will storied
+buildings, was appropriated for the purpose. The bare walls were draped
+with stars and stripes, and innumerable portraits of McKinley and Hobart
+confronted you on every side. In the centre was a roughly-constructed
+platform; on this a piano and seats for the orators. At 12.30 sharp (the
+business lunch hour) a crowd surged in; bankers, brokers, dry goods
+merchants, clerks, messengers, and office-boys, straight from the Quick
+Lunch Counters&mdash;a great institution there&mdash;filling every corner of the
+hall. An attendant carried the inevitable pitcher of ice water to the
+orators' table; a "Professor" hastily seated himself at the piano and
+played a few bars; a solemn-faced quartette took its position in front
+of the rostrum, and the meeting was opened.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/img127.jpg" width="500" height="349" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE POLITICAL QUARTETTE.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The campaign songsters had taken a leaf from the Salvation Army, and
+appropriated all popular airs for political purposes. Praises of Sound
+Money and Protection were sung to the air of "Just tell them that you
+saw me," and denunciations of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> Bryan, Free Silver, and all things
+Democratic to the tune of "Her golden hair was hanging down her back!"
+The quartette aroused the greatest enthusiasm. An aged Republican seated
+immediately in front of the platform, who had voted every Republican
+ticket since Lincoln was elected, waved his stick over his head, and the
+crowd responded with cheers and encores. The quartette retired, the
+chairman advanced, motioned with his hand for silence, and announced the
+name of the first orator of the occasion, who happened to be a
+clergyman&mdash;a tiresome, platitudinous person. Somehow, clergymen on the
+platform can never divest themselves of their pulpit manner. They bring
+an air of pews and Sabbath into secular things. The minister denounced
+Bryan and Democracy in the same tones he used in declaiming against Agag
+and the Amalekites on Sunday. At last he brought his political sermon to
+a close, and the quartette again came to the front, sang a few more
+political adaptations of popular songs, and the chairman announced the
+next speaker, a smart young lawyer of the Hebrew persuasion. After him,
+more songs and more speakers of all kinds, and at half-past one the
+meeting came to an abrupt conclusion. The crowd vanished like magic, the
+hall was empty, the lunch hour was over!</p>
+
+<p>When night fell, oratory was again rampant in all parts of the city. At
+every street corner one saw a waggon decorated with a few Chinese
+lanterns and covered with portraits of the candidates. In front the
+orator shouted to the casual mob, and at the tail end his companion
+distributed campaign literature. One crowd exhausted, the waggon drove
+on, and gathered more listeners at another stand. In this way, in
+strolling through the streets, one was met with a fresh line of argument
+at every turning. Republicans, Democrats, Prohibitionists, Socialists,
+etc., all had their perambulating orators. It was as if all the Sunday
+Hyde Park orators had taken to waggons, and were driven about through
+all quarters of the town, from Whitechapel to Kensington. At one street
+corner a Catholic priest was rallying his Irish compatriots to Tammany
+and Bryan, and urging them to shake off the fetters of the bloated
+British capitalist; and at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> the next a Temperance orator was pleading
+the hopeless cause of the Prohibitionist party.</p>
+
+<p>The campaign was not so much a fight between Silver and Gold as between
+Sound Money and Sound Lungs.</p>
+
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Bryan's Campaign.</span></h4>
+
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" width="75%" summary="Bryan's Campaign.">
+<tr><td align='left'>Number of speeches delivered</td><td align='right'>501</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Cities and towns spoken in</td><td align='right'>417</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>States spoken in</td><td align='right'>29</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Miles travelled since the nomination</td><td align='right'>17,395</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Number of words spoken on the stump (estimated)</td><td align='right'>737,000</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">What Bryan Did in One Day.</span></h4>
+
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" width="75%" summary="What Bryan Did in One Day.">
+<tr><td align='left'>Travelled from Jacksonville, Ill., to Alton, Ill., and spoke in seven towns and cities.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Slept eight hours.</td><td align='left'>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Talked seven hours.</td><td align='left'>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Miles travelled,</td><td align='right'>110.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Speeches made,</td><td align='right'>9.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Persons who heard him,</td><td align='right'>60,000.</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+</div>
+
+<p>It would be impertinent on the part of any English journalist to use the
+ordinary language at his command to describe that scene. Let him copy
+the headings of those who have given the people of the United States a
+language of their own:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+
+<h4>ARMY OF LOYALISTS.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A Hundred and Twenty Thousand Men March with Old Glory up Broadway.</p>
+
+<h4>GRANDEST PARADE IN ALL HISTORY.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">The Great Thoroughfare a Tossing Sea of Red, White, and Blue and
+Gold.</p>
+
+<p class="center">Cheers and Music fill the Air with Melody.</p>
+
+<p class="center">Legions Marshalled for the Honor and Safety of the Union and the
+Prosperity of the People.</p>
+
+<h4>PATRIOT ARMY'S GLORIOUS MARCH.</h4>
+
+<h4>WARRIORS OF PEACE, BATHED IN GOLDEN SUNLIGHT, PASS THROUGH
+STAR-SPANGLED LINES.</h4>
+
+<h4>PARADE'S RECORD-MAKING FIGURES.</h4>
+
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" width="50%" cellspacing="0" summary="PARADE'S RECORD-MAKING FIGURES.">
+<tr><td align='left'>Number in Line,</td><td align='right'>125,000.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Miles long (estimated),</td><td align='right'>14.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Parade started at 10 a.m.</td><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Parade finished at 6.26 p.m.</td><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'>Number of spectators (estimated),</td><td align='right'>1,200,000.</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>No pen or pencil could give any idea of the intense feeling and
+excitement over that election. To realise its effect one must have seen
+the faces of business men in cities like New York&mdash;faces pallid with
+care, eyes restless with inquiry and uncertainty, mouths twitching with
+anxiety. To them Bryan spelt ruin. You could read that in the faces of
+every one of responsibility.</p>
+
+<p>We had huge meetings and long speeches from morning to midnight. In the
+churches the pulpits were turned into hustings, and for the moment
+ministers preached the Gospel and McKinley in equal proportions. Miles
+of sound money men paraded the streets, and at night the rivers north
+and east were given over to political aquatic demonstrations. Huge
+banners flaunted the sky, and tons of party literature strewed the
+floors of every house; but the whole story was better told and more
+impressively demonstrated in the faces of those united in commerce&mdash;99
+per cent. of the better class in the city. They looked worn and anxious;
+their words were words of confidence, but expressed with an uncertainty
+and reserve which were significant.</p>
+
+<p>One day I met a prominent citizen&mdash;an ardent Republican&mdash;and I asked him
+how he thought the elections were going. He said, "I feel like the old
+woman Ingersoll tells of, who did not believe in ghosts, but was
+terribly frightened of them." This reminds me that the Free-thinking
+Ingersoll had been stumping the country, and clergymen, such as Dr.
+Parkhurst, had been turning their pulpits into political platforms to
+bring their influence to bear on the voters. To all those who were in
+New York during that momentous time the scene will linger in their
+memories when the names of Bryan and McKinley have ceased to interest
+them.</p>
+
+<p>And the curious thing is that this is no exaggeration. To see, as I did,
+thousands of well-dressed city men marching past at quick time, with
+martial tread, to the music of innumerable bands, from half-past ten in
+the morning till seven o'clock at night, is a performance that
+Englishmen can hardly realise, and one that they will certainly never
+see in their own country.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> Its very seriousness, simplicity, and
+impressive monotony made it all the more striking. Not a soldier to be
+seen, no triumphal cars, no break in the stream of respectability
+mechanically moving throughout the day. In England, on public
+demonstrations, one goes to look at the crowd, but here the crowd was
+the procession. This political fever seemed to work up the enthusiasm of
+every man, woman, and child when the march was over, on, I may tell you,
+a bright, hot Indian summer's day in November.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img131.jpg" width="600" height="482" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AFTER THE GREAT PARADE: &quot;AM I TO SIT ON AN ORDINARY SEAT
+TO-NIGHT?&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Crowds of the paraders continued to march in smaller squads through the
+side streets for their own enjoyment, and overflowed into hotel lobbies
+and restaurants, covered with emblems, flags, gold bugs, and
+chrysanthemums, which were brought into the city by thousands for the
+occasion. And then some humour was imported into the serious business of
+the day. One youth strolled into a <i>caf&eacute;</i>, and when he was offered a
+chair by the waiter, he drew himself up, and said, "Am I to sit on an
+ordinary seat to-night?" They blew their tin horns, rattled their
+rattles, and waved their flags in and out of every place until late at
+night, and they were still singing and demonstrating<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> in the morning,
+but with that extraordinary common-sense which is characteristic of
+Americans, the Bryanites and the McKinleyites shaking hands and setting
+about their business with redoubled energy, having another crisis in the
+country to record as a landmark in the history of the republic.</p>
+
+<p>On the last day of my first visit to America I found myself in the head
+dep&ocirc;t of the New York detective force. The courteous and talented
+presiding genius of that establishment had left his busy office to show
+me over their museum, a chronicle of the city's crime, and as I was
+thanking him afterwards, he said:</p>
+
+<p>"Is there anything I can do for you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I replied, "I have seen the best side of life in New York, now I
+should like to see the worst."</p>
+
+<p>"The very worst?"</p>
+
+<p>"The worst you have."</p>
+
+<p>The worthy officer eyed me up and down as if he were going to measure me
+for a suit of clothes.</p>
+
+<p>"Very well," he replied, seemingly satisfied with my resolute bearing
+and undaunted mien and determined visage, which showed my daring and
+enterprise. Beside me a Stanley or a Burton would have looked
+effeminate. "A detective will be at your hotel at ten o'clock to-night."</p>
+
+<p>And he was.</p>
+
+<p>I had just come in from dinner, and had changed my clothes for an old
+suit that had braved the weather in crossing, and was consequently well
+salted by Atlantic brine.</p>
+
+<p>"May I offer you a cocktail?" I say.</p>
+
+<p>"No, thank you," he replies.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>His</i> nerve doesn't want fortifying, evidently!) Mine does, so I have a
+Manhattan as I hastily pencil a line to my wife to be sent to England in
+case I do not leave by the <i>Majestic</i> next day.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, then, what's your programme?" said I in an airy way, as we reached
+the street.</p>
+
+<p>"Trust to me," said the "'tec," "interfere with no one, and keep your
+pencil and your notebook in your pocket till I tell<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> you. Keep your
+mouth shut and your ears and eyes open, and as they say in the
+pantomime, 'you shall see what you shall see.'"</p>
+
+<p>We were soon whizzing along the elevated railway, and I was trying to
+impress my guide with stirring tales of midnight meanderings in the
+greater city, London. I left out any mention of Dublin, for my companion
+rejoiced in a truly Milesian cognomen, and still bore strong evidence of
+his native country in his accent, mixed with a good dash of American.</p>
+
+<p>"Guess you're a pretty 'cute Britisher, and shure it's the likes of you
+I'm mighty glad to strike in this <i>tre</i>menjious city!"</p>
+
+<p>I felt somewhat flattered by this encouraging condescension, and I admit
+now that I did not feel particularly happy at the idea of bearding the
+thieving lion, with his hyena-like satellites, in his den. I felt
+something like a criminal under arrest myself, and I am sure that
+everyone in the car must have thought that the world-famed detective
+force of New York had added another notorious catch to the many they
+have so cleverly made.</p>
+
+<p>As we passed close to the windows of the houses, and actually looked
+into the rooms on the second and third stories, Detective Jonathan H.
+O'Flaherty would point out to me a room here and there which was being
+watched by his comrades, and as we approached nearer and nearer to the
+purlieus of the poor, he positively detected seated in rooms in shady
+hotels which harboured thieves a forger, a housebreaker, and other
+notabilities of a worse character. Indeed, I would not have been
+surprised had the arm of the law been literally stretched out at any
+moment, and one of these gentlemen transferred from his seat through the
+window and deposited by my side in the carriage.</p>
+
+<p>America is a free country. England, we are assured, is not; but the fact
+that the police are allowed to arrest anybody they please without
+showing any authority whatever is a curious contradiction which the
+Britisher may be pardoned for smiling at.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Detective Jonathan H. O'Flaherty and I had a rather warm argument upon
+this point, and I must say that in the end I had to admit that there was
+a good deal to be said in favour of the utter want of liberty to which
+Americans have to submit.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/img134.jpg" width="400" height="394" alt="ITALIANS." title="" />
+<span class="caption">ITALIANS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"For instance," said my guide, "to-morrow is a public holiday. At
+daybreak I guess we'll be afther locking up every thief, vagabond, and
+persons suspected of being varmint of this description in this great
+city, and it's free lodgings they'll have till the holiday's played out.
+In that way crime is avoided, and the truth of the saying proved that
+'prevention is better than cure.'"</p>
+
+<p>"But there is an unpleasant feeling that this autocratic power may lead
+to mistakes. In England the police must have a warrant," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Guess, stranger, if we waited for a warrant the varmint'd vanish, and
+there'd be the divil to pay. No, sir, I reckon we Amurricans don't wait
+for anything&mdash;we just take the law into our own hands right away. A
+short time ago I was sitting enjoying some singing in one of the saloons
+in the Bowery here, and right through in front of me sat two foreigners
+with the most perfect false whiskers on that I ever clapped eyes on.
+That was enough for me. I went outside, sent one of my men for
+assistance, and then sent in a theatrical lady's card to one of the
+gentlemen. The bait was taken, and he came out. We arrested him straight
+away, and made him send in for his friend, who came out, and we nailed
+him as well. Turned out afterwards that they had come to kill one of the
+actresses&mdash;love affair, revenge, and all that sort of thing. In your
+country guess you'd have arrested them after the murder; we had them
+before. There was no harm done, but they got a fine of a few dollars."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>He put his hand suddenly upon mine as he said this. For a second I
+thought that he imagined <i>my</i> whiskers were false, and that this was
+only a plant to lock me up! It was evident my nerves were becoming
+unstrung, and as soon as we were in the street my good-humoured and
+excellent guide told me that in another five minutes we would begin our
+voyage of discovery. We passed through the Chinese quarter, down Mott
+Street, and I could not but feel a pang of sympathy for these aliens,
+looked upon by the Americans as vermin. It is a strange war, this
+between John Chinaman and Sambo for the vassalage of the States; but in
+poor England, the asylum of the alien, all nationalities have an equal
+chance, and the nigger, the Chinaman, the Jew, and the German can walk
+arm in arm, whether in the squalid streets of Spitalfields or the
+aristocratic precincts of Pall Mall.</p>
+
+<p>But there is a war going on in London between two races of different
+colour, undisturbed and unseen, for the gory scenes of warfare are
+enacted in the bowels of the earth. It is to the death, and has been
+going on for years, the combatants being the red cockroach and the
+blackbeetle. Both came to our shores in ships from distant lands. The
+blackbeetles were first, and had possession of underground London, but
+the cockroaches followed, disputed the right of territory, and thus the
+war began. The latest reports from the seat of war assert that the
+cockroaches are victorious all along the line as far as Regent's Park.</p>
+
+<p>But this is digression. I merely made use of the cockroach simile
+because it occurred to me as I traversed the Italian quarter and gazed
+upon its denizens, an occasional accidental rub against one of whom made
+me shudder. Innocent they may be, but they don't look it, and when I was
+taken up a court&mdash;a horrible, dark, dank <i>cul-de-sac</i>&mdash;and shown the
+identical spot which a few weeks beforehand had been the scene of a
+murder, I made a sketch in the quickest time on record, keeping one eye
+on the ghastly place and the other on a window where a ragged blind was
+pulled quickly and nervously back, and a white face peered suddenly out
+and as suddenly retreated.</p>
+
+<p>I did the same, pulling my detective friend after me.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 394px;">
+<img src="images/img136.jpg" width="394" height="600" alt="WHERE THE DEED WAS DONE!" title="" />
+<span class="caption">WHERE THE DEED WAS DONE!</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span><br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It is said that one-half the world does not know how the other half
+lives, but not the ninety-ninth part knows how it dies. In the vicinity
+of Mulberry Bend I was shown a house in which another bloody deed had
+recently been perpetrated&mdash;another cockroach killed. The blood was as
+fresh and visible as that of Rizzio in Holyrood Palace, but this excited
+no curiosity among the passers-by&mdash;crimes are more plentiful than
+mulberries here.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 152px;">
+<img src="images/img138.jpg" width="152" height="380" alt="" title="&quot;A Youth with a Crutch&quot;" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Paradise Park, The Bowery, New York, is a very high-sounding address. It
+is one that any European might imagine as a retreat of aristocratic
+refinement and sylvan beauty; there is nothing in the name to suggest
+the Seven Dials of London in its old days; and yet the place is its
+counterpart, the only difference being that the Five Points, as it is
+called, is two degrees worse than the Seven Dials that's, all!</p>
+
+
+<p>Standing at these misnamed crossways, I noticed hurrying past an Italian
+woman bearing a load of household furniture on her back, and followed by
+a man&mdash;her husband, I was told&mdash;cursing her.</p>
+
+<p>"They always move at night," said my guide. "The women do all the
+carrying, and this is in a country where woman reigns <i>soo</i>preme, too!"</p>
+
+<p>Next comes a youth with a crutch.</p>
+
+<p>"One of the cleverest thieves in the city. No one suspects him&mdash;guess
+his crippling is his fortune."</p>
+
+
+<p>I should like to tell you of other interesting people I saw, of my
+perambulations through Baxter Street, the Jewish quarter, of the visits
+to the joss house, opium joint, grocery stores, halls of dazzling
+delight, and dens of iniquity I made that night. I had my sketches and
+notes before me to continue this chapter, when I received a New York
+paper. In it I discovered an illustrated article headed "In His Own
+Black Art," purporting to be an account of my visit to the slums with a
+detective. After reading it I laid down my pen and took up my scissors,
+I felt it impossible to disclose any more. The rest I leave to my
+shadower<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> on that occasion, reproducing also some of the sketches this
+"faithful copper-fastened distorter of features" set down, with many
+thanks to him and a sincere wish that his headache is better.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/img139.jpg" width="450" height="318" alt="IN AN OPIUM JOINT." title="" />
+<span class="caption">IN AN OPIUM JOINT.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><h4>"IN HIS OWN BLACK ART.</h4>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 255px;">
+<img src="images/img139a.jpg" width="255" height="300" alt="" title="IN HIS OWN BLACK ART." />
+</div>
+
+<p style="margin-top: 3em;">"Mr. Furniss writes very cleverly, it should be said. He writes
+good London English, for he, like many of 'the infernally good
+fellows' of Fleet Street, 'don't you know,' believes that the
+vernacular is only written in its virgin purity in that city.
+However, let that pass.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>"But there was one thing that I couldn't consent, even as his
+friend, to overlook. Mr. Furniss was determined to go 'slumming.'
+He had letters to several members of the police department, but the
+friends who had given these valuable credentials had evidently
+selected only the captains of the highly respectable precincts. Of
+course, they could not imagine that Mr. Furniss would want to visit
+the joss house and opium<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> joints of Chinatown. Nobody would, to
+look at him. And yet, in his tireless study of 'American'
+character, he penetrated even these mysteries.</p>
+
+<p>"Everything was arranged for the tour during the night before his
+departure on the <i>Majestic</i>. It was a charmingly dark night,
+admirably suited for those <i>chiaroscuro</i> effects that a
+black-and-white artist is supposed to seek even in his dreams. An
+experienced Central Office detective took him in hand with all the
+<i>savoir faire</i> of an Egyptian dragoman.</p>
+
+
+<h4>"HITTING THE PIPE.</h4>
+
+<p>"With the wisdom of an artist and the news-sense of a Park Row
+hustler, Mr. Furniss lit a cigarette, and said:</p>
+
+<p>"'Show me all.'</p>
+
+<p>"This remark filled me with terror. Was it right to permit this
+well-meaning but over-zealous friend of my country, my people and
+myself to sound the depths of social degradation in the metropolis
+and lard an otherwise charming book with screed and sketches
+dragged from the slums? He was likely to mistake Donovan's Lane for
+Harlem Lane, and Paradise Square for Maddison Square! Any man would
+be liable to do so after a few days' visit to a strange city. How
+many of the American birds of passage who flock to London every
+summer know the distinction between Mitre and Capel Courts? One is
+the scene of a ghastly Whitechapel murder; the other is the
+financial center of the Eastern world!</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 380px;">
+<img src="images/img140.jpg" width="380" height="347" alt="" title="HITTING THE PIPE" />
+</div>
+
+
+<p>"When, therefore, it was seen to be impossible to dissuade the
+talented young caricaturist from his blue-glass view of
+metropolitan society, it seemed necessary to provide for our
+self-defence. One of the cleverest pen-and-ink artists in America
+was engaged to accompany the party as a second detective. A flying
+visit was paid to Mott Street, and the services of High Lung, a
+distinguished crayon manipulator, recently arrived (by way of
+Vancouver and the dark of the moon), were secured to make a
+Chinese-American caricature of the charming but over-curious
+Englishman.</p>
+
+<p>"Everything worked to a charm. Mr. Furniss went where he intended.
+He saw all. He made sketches. He visited the shrine of the great
+Joss. He ate birds' nests and rice. He saw the deadly opium smoked,
+and 'hit the pipe' a few minutes himself.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"The night came to an end with dawn. Headache destroyed curiosity.
+Our own faithful, copper-fastened distorter of facial beauty set
+down in Mr. Furniss's black art what he had seen and did know. Here
+are the results, H. F. It is to be feared he has imitated your
+style.</p>
+
+<p>"Bon voyage, master of the quick and the lead! Draw us, if you
+must; but draw not the long bow.</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+"J. C."
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;">
+<img src="images/img141.jpg" width="700" height="404" alt="" title="GOOD-BYE" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X.</h2>
+
+<h3>AUSTRALIA.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Quarantined&mdash;The Receiver-General of Australia&mdash;An Australian
+Guidebook&mdash;A Death Trap&mdash;A Death Story&mdash;The New Chum&mdash;Commercial
+Confessions&mdash;Mad Melbourne&mdash;Hydrophobia&mdash;Madness&mdash;A Land Boom&mdash;A
+Paper Panic&mdash;Ruin.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sydney</span>&mdash;The Confessions of a Legislator&mdash;Federation&mdash;Patrick
+Francis Moran.</p>
+
+<p style="margin-bottom: 8em;"><span class="smcap">Adelaide</span>&mdash;Wanted, a Harbour&mdash;Wanted, an
+Expression&mdash;Zoological&mdash;Guinea-pigs&mdash;Paradise!&mdash;Types&mdash;Hell Fire
+Jack&mdash;The Horse&mdash;The Wrong Room!</p></div>
+
+
+<div class="figleft"><img src="images/img142.jpg" style="margin-top: -8em;" width="197" height="350" alt="" title="W" /></div>
+<p>ISE chroniclers are welcome to the opinion that "the dreaded Cape
+Leeuwin was first rounded by a Dutch vessel, 1622." All I can say is
+that the Cape has got sharpened again, for there is no roundness about
+save the billows of the Indian Ocean, which everlastingly dash against
+its side. I'll agree, however, with any chronicler that the cause of the
+chronic fury of the Indian Ocean at this point is caused through anger.
+To call that grand if barren promontory after a twopenny-halfpenny Dutch
+cockle-shell is a gross insult to the thousands of miles of sea between
+that point and any other land. Fortunately the little Dutch vessel had a
+name which sounds all right if only pronounced in plain
+English&mdash;<i>Lioness</i> in place of <i>Leeuwin</i>&mdash;but the vessel might have been
+called <i>Rats</i>, or <i>Schnapps</i>, or some other name even less dignified,
+and one that would have been adopted just the same. It is the principle
+of the thing that the great sea objects to, and it is not slow to show
+its rage, as all who round it know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> full well. Chroniclers are found who
+seem to have agreed that the name is the whole cause of the roaring
+winds and waves around Cape Leeuwin, but that the roughness is in
+reality the result of satisfaction in bearing one so awe-inspiring, and
+that the "Lioness" is trying to live up to her natural wildness and
+fury, and fully succeeding in doing it.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 353px;">
+<img src="images/img143.jpg" width="353" height="500" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">COALING.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I regret that I was in too great a hurry to visit Fremantle, which lies
+at the head of the Lioness, particularly as on my journey to Australia I
+had cut out the following passage from a description I came across of
+that place. I read this, and re-read it, and still continue to read it,
+as a choice specimen of the guide-book-maker's delirium:</p>
+
+<p>"The first <i>coup d'&oelig;il</i> of Fremantle is a white scattered township on
+an undulating plain fringed by a sea-beach and scant vegetation. As you
+land you are struck on all sides with the unusual activity around you.
+Long sinuous trains of loaded cargo trucks are coming and going,
+locomotive whistles warning the pedestrian to beware, lines of rails
+intersecting each other, crowds of lumpers, and the busy air of a large
+shipping centre bewilder you, and you are carried back to some old-world
+port where ships of all nations call and disgorge their lading."</p>
+
+
+<p>There! Are you not anxious to go to a place with the assurance that you
+will be struck on all sides as soon as you land with unusual activity?
+Do you not burn to see what "a long sinuous train" is like? Are you not
+willing to brave the dangerous locomotives crossing the intersecting
+lines of railways, just to see those crowds of lumpers? Then to be
+bewildered by the busy mercantile air, and before you have time to fully
+realise all this you are to be "carried back to some old-world<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> port
+where ships of all nations call and disgorge their lading."</p>
+
+<p>That last proposal settled my mind; no attractive trains or lumpers,
+undulating plains or scant vegetation, or anything equally attractive,
+would induce me to arrive at a place, after five or six weeks'
+travelling to get there, to find myself at once carried back to some
+old-world port before seeing something of the rest of Australia to repay
+one for the long and tedious journey. I therefore avoided Fremantle.</p>
+
+
+<p>There is one attraction to visit that port which the traveller from the
+Old World will appreciate, after his experience of the fleecing dues and
+charges at Adelaide, Melbourne, and other Australian ports, in which
+officials all but tear the clothes off the visitor's back to tax them.
+In this port your mantle at least is free.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/img144.jpg" width="300" height="242" alt="" title="QUARANTINE" />
+</div>
+
+<p>In spite of the following paragraph from the same source: "Western
+Australia has emerged into the full glare of the world's light and
+renown, and not to know its golden wonders is to argue oneself unknown,"
+I determined to remain in obscurity.</p>
+
+
+<p>The guide-books assure us Albany deserves more than "passing notice."
+This is true enough, but travellers do not always get a chance of giving
+the place its deserts. This was particularly the case with me on my
+first visit. Quarantine was then in force, and, with my
+fellow-passengers, I was forbidden to land. All I then saw of the people
+of Western Australia was limited to a few hours watching the
+coal-lumpers at work trucking coal along a plank from an ancient hulk
+moored by the side of the P. and O. steamship <i>Victoria</i>. After the
+animated scenes of coaling at Malta and Aden, and particularly the wild,
+indescribable scene at Port Said, coaling at Albany fell decidedly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>
+flat. The only diversion that varied the monotony of the proceedings was
+when a truck would capsize in its Blondin-like trip and pitch the coals
+into the sea.</p>
+
+
+
+<div class="figleft"><img src="images/img145.jpg" style="margin-top: -1.4em;" width="350" height="289" alt="" title="T" /></div>
+<p style="margin-top: 2em;">HE most interesting personage in Albany is Captain B&mdash;&mdash;, the harbour
+master. I call him the Receiver-General of Australia, for he is the
+first inhabitant of Australia to receive and welcome the new comer, and
+he is also the last to take farewell of the parting guest. Captain B&mdash;&mdash;
+has held the post of harbour master at King George's Sound, Albany, for
+over thirty years, and, though over seventy years of age, he seems equal
+to many years of service yet. Certainly a stranger gets a good
+impression of the country if he takes Captain B&mdash;&mdash; as a sample
+Australian, and one wonders, when one sees this fine old salt run up the
+gangway with the agility of a youth of seventeen, whether all
+Australians are equally active. Chatting with Captain B&mdash;&mdash;, I
+complimented him on his youthful physique. "Why, sir," said he, "I can
+climb up anything. I can board the ship hand-over-hand on a rope and
+never touch the side with my feet." This seemed pretty good for a man of
+over seventy, but I did not regard it as an exaggeration. Captain B&mdash;&mdash;
+remembered his father and uncle, both naval men, going to the funeral of
+King George IV. His reminiscences included the experiences of singing in
+a choir at the coronation of the Queen, and also when Her Majesty was
+married. When the Captain ran down the gangway shouting orders to his
+men, the strength of his lungs was as evident as the agility of his
+body. Anyone who took this worthy official as a typical Australian would
+be greatly deceived. Diminutive in stature and voluble in speech, he is
+in every way the reverse to the average-born Australian. The Australian
+is generally tall, not to say lanky, and by no means communicative.</p>
+
+<p>An American walked into the smoking-room of a P. and O. ship outward
+bound, as it was leaving St. George's Sound, threw<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> himself down on a
+sofa, stuck his feet on to a table, spit, and said to those in the
+saloon:</p>
+
+<p>"I thank my stars I am clean out of that one-horse town Albany!"</p>
+
+<p>Another traveller who had joined the ship at the same town and who lay
+huddled up in a corner more dead than alive after a severe attack of
+typhoid followed by pleurisy, remarked:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you must admit, sir, it is the healthiest place in Western
+Australia."</p>
+
+<p>"Co-rect, stranger&mdash;co-rect," replied the Yankee. "Co-rect! guess that's
+why I have cleared out. This darned Albany is 90 per cent. of climate
+and only 10 per cent. of business."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;">
+<img src="images/img146.jpg" width="700" height="333" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">SLEEPY HOLLOW.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I visited Albany on my return journey. It struck me that in "Sleepy
+Hollow" 90 per cent. of the natives were in bed and the other 10 per
+cent. were dozing on the seats on the parade.</p>
+
+<p>When I started for the Antipodes the place that I looked forward to
+seeing more than any other was Western Australia. It is the part of
+Australia most discussed at home, where it is being boomed with all the
+artifice of the promoter's gang. Every ship brings living cargoes to
+Western Australia; every newspaper is full of Western Australia. On the
+front page are shipping advertisements offering every facility for quick
+and cheap transit; in the centre of the paper leading articles appear to
+ventilate the wonders of the West; towards the end of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> paper&mdash;in the
+City news&mdash;thousands eagerly scan the Stock Exchange for prices of
+Western Australia. There is another column still in which one might find
+interesting news concerning Western Australia&mdash;the deaths column.</p>
+
+<p>When I arrived in Australia the one place that I determined nothing
+should drag me to was Western Australia. No, not all the gold in the
+mines would get me to that pestilential plague spot. Here is a place
+boomed "at home" and abroad at the time of Queen Victoria's Jubilee,
+when nightly speeches were made at banquets glorifying the charms of the
+speculators' Eldorado, Western Australia&mdash;when columns were written of
+its boasted civilisation, and cheers were given when "Advance Australia"
+was roared out, and bumpers were drunk by the stop-at-home wirepullers.
+Just read the following, published at the moment:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><h4>"A WESTERN PLAGUE SPOT.</h4>
+
+<h4>"<span class="smcap">How Fever Is Raging in Perth.</span></h4>
+
+<p>"Various visitors to Perth have expressed their opinions upon the
+awful conditions, from a sanitary point of view, of the Western
+city, and almost daily news is telegraphed across of the ravages
+from typhoid, pneumonia, and other diseases in consequence.</p>
+
+<p>"That the state of affairs is in no way exaggerated by prejudiced
+outsiders is proved by a full-page account in a recent issue of the
+Perth <i>Herald</i>, and which is headed: 'Typhoid Fever in Perth; An
+Alarming Situation; The Position of Affairs Grows Worse.'</p>
+
+<p>"The opinions of doctors, nurses, experts, and others are
+published, all going to show that public and private action is
+almost in every case as if the one aim was to increase the
+death-rate to the highest possible figures.</p>
+
+<p>"The water supply is contaminated; drainage runs into the catchment
+area, and even f&aelig;cal matter is plainly evident in the samples
+analysed; there is no supervision of the milk supply; vegetables
+are grown under most dangerous conditions; stagnant drains are in
+almost all the streets; about public places of recreation there are
+fever beds; many of the population are crowded in small
+boarding-houses like rabbits, and ordinary precautions for the
+removal of filth neglected, even if that were enough in itself;
+houses are built on pestilential swamps; the wind blows the dust
+about spots where the typhoid excrement has been deposited to breed
+germs by the million; and bread, meat, and other food carts go
+about uncovered to collect it, as if to make sure that any who
+escaped all other sources of the danger should not be allowed to
+escape the plague.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Even the public esplanade has to be shunned, the silt from the
+sewer which is being used for reclaiming being a mass of foul
+matter.</p>
+
+<p>"It will interest 't'othersiders' to read this about the conditions
+of life:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Many of the dwellings in which the t'othersiders are to be found
+huddled together are first-class fever "germinators." The rooms are
+small, the ventilation bad, the bed linen rarely changed, while not
+the slightest attention whatever is paid to sanitation. It is
+estimated that there are at least 400 small tenements, from two to
+five rooms, serving as "boarding" and "lodging" houses, and in
+these over 3,000 persons are sheltered.'"</p></div>
+
+<p>Stories of how fortunes are made and lives are lost in the race for
+wealth in Western Australia would fill volumes.</p>
+
+<p>A typical story, and a genuine one to boot, is worth recording. A
+well-known racing man travelling on a steamer round the coast was
+attracted by a seedy, out-of-elbows individual seated all alone. He got
+into conversation with him. The seedy stranger was reticent about
+himself, but voluble about others, particularly those who were making
+their piles in Western Australia&mdash;he was going there if he had to walk.
+The idea of a man walking was a repulsive thought to a racing man, so he
+most generously insisted upon this dilapidated acquaintance accepting
+&pound;10 to help him to get to the goldfields. The stranger was to pay him
+back some day if he ever struck oil. Time went on, and one morning the
+Good Samaritan received a letter with the &pound;10 enclosed and a request to
+make an appointment. The two met again. The out-of-elbows
+fellow-traveller turned up to keep the appointment he had asked for,
+dressed in the height of fashion; he not only looked a millionaire, but
+he was one! Yet he was sad and depressed, and recited the history of his
+good fortune to the good-natured sportsman in a most dismal tone. Though
+his words were full of gratitude and thankfulness, he seemed, strange as
+it may appear, somewhat reproachful.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, thanks to you, I have struck a gold mine, the one the world is now
+talking about, and you shall have half of it; that is the reason I asked
+to see you."</p>
+
+<p>"Not I," was the reply. "I don't want it; besides, you have relatives."</p>
+
+<p>"I had," said the millionaire, looking sorrowfully away. "I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> had three
+brothers. I was very fond of them, and sent for them when my luck came
+and, thanks to you, my fortune also. They arrived in Western Australia
+full of life and hope and jubilation, three of the finest and strongest
+fellows in the Colonies. They were all dead and buried within a
+month&mdash;stricken down by the damned typhoid fever."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img149.jpg" width="650" height="394" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">PROSPECTORS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Every day I spent in Australia I had similar stories to these told
+me&mdash;of how those rushing into the death-trap to dig up gold were buried
+themselves instead. Every day I heard of the swindles as well as of the
+sewerage. Both the towns and the business stank. Bogus mines were
+foisted into the "new chum," and huge companies started to work them;
+businesses advertised as big affairs with tremendous capitals were in
+reality a paltry village hut or two, with a few pounds of goods flung
+into them.</p>
+
+<p>If you are not robbed in England right away by such swindles, you are
+invited to sail for Western Australia.</p>
+
+<p>I met the manager of a Western Australian mining property, who was
+justly savage at the influx of "new chums" sent out<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> by the directors of
+the company he represents. These ne'er-do-wells, of all ages and of all
+degrees of stupidity and vice, arrive weekly, with letters of
+recommendation from the London directors, and in most cases actual
+contracts signed for berths as book-clerks, secretaries, corresponding
+clerks, &amp;c., &amp;c.&mdash;worthless incumbrances, but, even should they be found
+capable, not a berth open for one per cent. sent out: a fault showing
+that the directors in London are ignorant of the working of things they
+are supposed to direct. A sharp manager, finding himself face to face
+with a cargo of these silly "new chums" so landed, after going carefully
+over the binding contracts they came armed with, addressed them thus:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"You, Mr. Nogood, hold a contract made in London by your uncle, a
+director of this company, to be engaged on arrival as clerk at &pound;10 a
+week. You, Mr. Boozer, are to be engaged at &pound;6 a week as book-keeper;
+and you, Mr. Flighty, at &pound;5 a week as an assistant engineer, and so on.
+Now, gentlemen, in my position as manager here I may tell you plainly
+that your relatives and friends&mdash;the directors in London&mdash;are not
+conversant with the business here in detail. Were they, I am certain,
+gentlemen, you would never have signed these contracts agreeing to give
+your valuable services to us for such a ridiculously small remuneration.
+Things are dearer here than in London, you know; you could not live on
+such miserable pittances. Now I am unfortunately in the unhappy position
+that whilst here absolutely at the head of affairs and an autocrat, I am
+at the same time bound to accept these contracts made in London, and am
+therefore powerless to improve your unfortunate acceptances of these
+posts assigned to you. However, if you will agree to tear up these
+contracts I shall engage you weekly all the same, but at double
+salaries. Do you agree to this, gentlemen?"</p>
+
+<p>They all did. The contracts were destroyed, they received double
+salaries, for a fortnight, were not asked to do anything, and were all
+dismissed with a week's notice by the autocrat, the manager of the
+property, who has his picked, tried, and trusted men to do all the work
+necessary.</p>
+
+<p>The Western Australian boom is over. The rooks have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> plucked every
+feather they can off the poor pigeon. The Land of Promise, the Land of
+Myth, the Land of Sharks and Sharpers, is discovered by the paying
+public, and is in disgrace. Truth will out, and the truth about Western
+Australia is out of the designing promoter's bag now, never to be caught
+in it again. Africa suggests a comparison. In mining there is a great
+difference between Africa and Australia. Take, for instance, the Rand in
+Africa: it is one long reef of general excellence, divided into mines
+all of solid value. Australian mines, with one or two notable
+exceptions, do not run so; they are short, broken and erratic.</p>
+
+<p>Each of these when struck may or may not yield the three ounces to the
+ton they are boomed as having, but what is not explained to the
+investing public is the fact that the mines are limited and
+uncertain&mdash;they are not continuous, they are most expensive to open and
+work, and consequently they are practically worthless, and the
+investors' money is swamped and the land shows no return.</p>
+
+<p>A man who has most exceptional experience in mining, in a conversation
+with me used an expression <i>&agrave; propos</i> of the character of the mining
+lodes. He said that they were "patchy." That expresses everything
+Australian. Australia is a patchy country. Look at the sheep stations: a
+good season or two, property investment, rush, extravagance, no rain,
+ruin, despair, exodus. So it is with land, with everything&mdash;it is
+patchy. The people are patchy. One set, pleasant, refined, kindly,
+lovable; the next objectionable, vulgar, low and detestable.</p>
+
+<p>A friend of mine on board the steamer had the following interesting
+conversation with an Irish lady moving in Australian society:</p>
+
+<p>"Do you happen to know Mrs. Larry O'B. and Mrs. Mike O'C.?</p>
+
+<p>"Do I know thim? Well, iv course I do. Shure, me darlin', both of their
+husbands stood in the same dock wid moi husband on their thrial for
+murder&mdash;for killin' a process server in Oireland years ago. Moi husband
+was acquitted, worse luck!"</p>
+
+<p>"Worse luck?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Yis. Maybe y'don't know as how the other two gintlemen got sintinced
+and were sent out here as convicts, and both of thim now are
+millionaires, and my poor man is still workin' hard for his livin' in
+the ould counthry."</p>
+
+<p>Hydrophobia is unknown in Australia. A traveller on arrival has his pet
+dog taken from him and the poor animal is thrust into quarantine for six
+months. These four millions of inhabitants, spread over the largest
+colony in the world, consider themselves so precious they quarantine
+everything and everybody but lunatics. Why not quarantine lunatics? Are
+they not dangerous? Did not a whole city go mad? Stark, staring, raving
+mad&mdash;Mad Melbourne&mdash;and yet a Maltese terrier is quarantined in the same
+port for six months!</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img152.jpg" width="650" height="269" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">QUARANTINE ISLAND.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Yet lunatics arrive and make lunacy rampant, and a whole city is left
+after such a visitation an asylum of melancholia&mdash;Mad Melbourne. Lunacy
+frequently takes the form of egotism. Peasants imagine themselves
+princes; Calibans believe themselves to be Adonises; beggars imagine
+themselves millionaires. It is a harmless vanity and hurts no one, but a
+mad city may ruin thousands by suddenly imagining itself a gold mine.
+Melbourne a few years ago imagined it suddenly became the hub of the
+universe. The world and his wife had but one burning desire&mdash;that was to
+live in Melbourne. Some lunatic started this ridiculous idea, and the
+boom spread like lightning. Melbourne was by this magic boom turned into
+an Aladdin cave. No<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> prairie fire ever started with such suddenness,
+with such fury, burning up, as it leapt and galloped along, all the
+reasoning powers and common sense of the people. Those who cleared a
+space around them to avoid destruction were tongued by the fire of
+speculation, and before they could move away were irreparably lost.
+Great and small, old and young, were carried away in the blaze of
+speculation. The frightened reptiles and beasts running in front to
+escape it were, it was thought, miserable fools who had not the pluck or
+sense to aid in setting speculation in Melbourne on fire. A fanciful
+picture on paper this? True, so was the great boom of 1887 merely a
+fanciful picture on paper. Had it been otherwise banks would not have
+failed, nor would families have been ruined wholesale, nor would trade
+and speculation have been left charred roots and stubble on the scene of
+folly&mdash;Mad Melbourne.</p>
+
+<p>It is difficult to say how it began&mdash;it is unnecessary to say how it
+ended. I am told that at the height of the boom Melbourne went
+frantically and absolutely mad. Poor men and women rushed about fancying
+that they had suddenly become millionaires. In the few hours between
+breakfast and lunch they had bought a piece of land for &pound;1,000, and in a
+few hours had sold the same block for &pound;10,000&mdash;on paper. They then heard
+that the purchaser had re-sold it for &pound;20,000 before dinner, they bought
+it back for &pound;30,000, and re-sold it over supper again for &pound;50,000, a
+good day's work&mdash;on paper. Everyone did the same&mdash;all were mad. Money
+flowed in from the Old Country in millions, champagne flowed freely all
+over Melbourne in gallons, everyone was intoxicated with joy and soused
+themselves and their friends in champagne to wash down success. Vehicles
+rushed speculators through the streets, trains whisked them to the land
+free, luncheons free awaited all at every turn, fortunes at every step.
+Melbourne was mad drunk&mdash;lost!</p>
+
+<p>Buildings&mdash;comfortable, sensible buildings&mdash;were pulled down and "sky
+scrapers" and mansions were erected in their places. Bridges, good for a
+hundred years to come, were pulled down and millions spent in erecting
+in place of the old ones others not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> more serviceable or of more use.
+Huge docks, not wanted, were built at fabulous outlays&mdash;all these
+buildings stand as monuments of Melbourne's Madness.</p>
+
+<p>The extraordinary good spirits of the Melbournites is a healthy sign.
+Those who not only lost all their money invested, chagrined by their
+folly and left with liabilities that will cripple them for life, smile
+and bear their fall right cheerily.</p>
+
+<p>Some of these notes made by me whilst seeing the Kangarooists at home
+"in a hurry" may not be received in the proper spirit. All new countries
+are sensitive, and resent truths coming from a stranger, while at the
+same time their home critics, though far more severe, are tolerated and
+unchallenged. Now I met one of the most prominent Australians, a man of
+the world, a leading legal light and a Member of Parliament. It was in
+the Legislative Chamber I had a conversation with him on matters
+Australian. He led off: "This bit of a place here (Sydney), with a
+population less than that of a second-class provincial town in England,
+has in it people with more cheek than would be found in the capitals of
+London, Paris and St. Petersburg rolled into one. Why, these people have
+some ingrained vain idea that everything and everybody connected with
+them are the most important things and the most important people in the
+world. Small-minded people in a large country&mdash;that is what they are&mdash;a
+country the size of Europe with a population less than that of London
+with the intellect of a country village. That is Australia."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img154.jpg" width="600" height="489" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">I AM INVITED TO PRESENT MYSELF.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>"And divided among themselves. Do you believe in Federation?"</p>
+
+<p>This conversation took place in June, 1897, and three years after,
+Australian Federation had become a reality. It is therefore<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> interesting
+to repeat the opinion of this important Australian on Federation,
+exactly as it took place:</p>
+
+<p>"Well&mdash;yes and no. I believe in the principle, properly worked, in a
+country ripe for it; but here in Australia, my dear sir, we do not know
+what federal government means. I have travelled round and round the
+world&mdash;ha! ha! not in a hurry, my dear sir, but with the object of
+seeing and learning all about the political workings of countries as
+well as other subjects. I travel so much sometimes that on waking in the
+morning I have to rub my eyes to think for a moment whether I am in St.
+Petersburg or Ottawa, San Francisco or London. I travel so much, one
+country and another to me is like walking out of this room into the
+next. I am, in this respect, an exception. This place is provincial, the
+minds of the people are essentially provincial, they do not understand
+big questions&mdash;Federation is a very big question. Now, sir, I am shown a
+new machine that you have at home for cutting your hair&mdash;good, it is
+scientific, a thing of beauty and tremendously costly. I say, 'Yes,
+that's all very well, but I cannot see how Mr. Furniss can afford such a
+machine for cutting his hair.' Then everyone cries: 'Oh, he does not
+believe hair should be cut!' Why, I say nothing of the
+sort&mdash;hair-cutting is an excellent thing, a necessary thing perhaps, but
+why have in a small establishment tremendous machinery to do it?"</p>
+
+<p>At that moment I caught sight of my head in a glass; the same thought
+struck me, why indeed?</p>
+
+<p>"That is Federation here," my interesting acquaintance continued. "Here,
+in this little bit of a community, not the population of one
+city&mdash;London&mdash;spread over the whole of it want five separate governments
+to govern those few millions cut up into States!"</p>
+
+<p>From all I could gather, Federation in Australia might possibly be
+realised some day, but it would be in the dim and distant future,
+certainly not "in our time"!</p>
+
+<p>There is a good story told <i>&agrave; propos</i> of the candidature of "The
+Cardinal." Of course, the votes recorded for him were solely Catholic,
+the Irish turning up in great force. Two<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> gentlemen from Erin were found
+fighting a deadly battle. When separated and the battle changed for one
+of words in place of blows, Mike declared that he'd "livil the baste to
+the ground for not voting for the Cardinal."</p>
+
+<p>"And who has he voted for?"</p>
+
+<p>"Whoi the blackguard tills me he's voted for Patrick Francis Moran&mdash;who
+ever heard of Patrick Francis Moran?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oive voted for the Cardinal&mdash;iv course Oi have," replied the other,
+"and it's glad Oi am that Oive nearly kilt that varmint for Moran's
+sake!"</p>
+
+<p>Needless to explain to you Patrick Francis Moran was the Cardinal.</p>
+
+<p>Kangarooists drive engines much in the same way as they drive horses, or
+anything else&mdash;a reckless, devil-may-care style.</p>
+
+<p>A certain driver in Queensland was told to run the journey through and
+make no stoppages&mdash;this just suited him. On he went. He found the iron
+gates closed at a crossing in a town he passed through; he did not pull
+up&mdash;not he&mdash;he rushed right through, carrying the gates away. Of course,
+he was reprimanded for this recklessness.</p>
+
+<p>"You might have killed the passengers."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, we only carried two!"</p>
+
+<p>This satisfied the Enquiry Committee as reasonable&mdash;in Australia.</p>
+
+<p>This Queensland driver has his prototype in New South Wales. You will
+find him on the express between Melbourne and Sydney, known as "Hell
+Fire Jack," a <i>sobriquet</i> he has gained by his dash and daring in
+running the express. He had brought us on at a rare rate, and having
+completed the middle run, we pulled up to exchange drivers and engines.
+The conductor noticed me gazing at the portly form of the engine-driver,
+who had just jumped off.</p>
+
+<p>"That is Hell Fire Jack. Jack is a wonder&mdash;here we are a quarter of an
+hour before time, and Jack had an hour and a half to make up in his
+run&mdash;he did it&mdash;Jack always does&mdash;he'd make up anything. It's he as
+nearly got the sack for making a splendid run some time ago&mdash;160 miles
+without a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> stop. Nothing wrong in that? Well, you see we had four stops
+to make in that 160 miles, and he didn't make 'em. Some bookies in the
+train wanted to get to the races, and made Jack a handsome bet he
+couldn't get 'em there in time&mdash;Jack did&mdash;that's all&mdash;bless you, he's a
+wonder&mdash;never had an accident neither, not one! He knows all about
+engines&mdash;can stop and mend 'em on the road if it's wanted. And you ought
+to see him pick up his express disc with his train going at 60 miles an
+hour. There is a little arm sticks out of the side of the engine, and
+the disc is suspended at the station. Jack takes it, as I say, going 60
+miles an hour, never eases up&mdash;not he&mdash;but the disc he has to drop in
+its place has fallen off long before! and the next train has to wait an
+hour to find it. Oh, Jack is a wonder&mdash;good-bye, Jack!"</p>
+
+<p>I returned to the carriage relieved by knowing that Hell Fire Jack was
+no longer in charge. Two men were conversing about travelling of a
+different kind&mdash;one was saying to the other: "Why, the last time we met
+was on the Coolgardie Coach&mdash;wasn't as smooth going as this, eh? ha! ha!
+I shall never forget our driver&mdash;don't you remember how drunk he was,
+and how we had to tie him into his seat?&mdash;and when he did upset us we
+went flying a couple of hundred yards away. I saw him as I was landing
+on my head on the rock tied to his seat turning over, laughing at us. I
+wonder what became of the old lady and gentleman inside&mdash;they carried
+'em off for dead, you know. He did make those horses fly&mdash;they were glad
+of the rest, never moved when first down, did they?"</p>
+
+<p>I suppose this was the joke of a Hell Fire Tom. Motor-cars will soon be
+introduced into Australia; then we shall hear of Hell Fire Harry&mdash;and a
+funeral.</p>
+
+<p>The Kangarooists really do not value life as we in the Old Country
+do&mdash;they certainly do not value horseflesh. You can buy a good horse for
+one shilling. Catsmeat in London is dearer than live horseflesh in
+Australia. They ride and drive anything and everything.</p>
+
+<p>I recollect visiting the best-known horse-bazaar in the Colonies, and
+was shown round by an expert.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"That horse is all right, but I can't recommend it as a stayer. You want
+it for harness? Well, I don't like to deceive you; it ain't much good
+after going seventy miles&mdash;no, it's a rotten-hearted beast. It might go
+eighty miles at a stretch, but I won't guarantee more."</p>
+
+<p>"Eighty miles! Good heavens! In the Old Country half that distance at a
+stretch would mean cruelty to animals."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe it would&mdash;those English horses have the best barrels in the
+world, and they are pretty to look at, but no legs. Why, 120 miles is a
+decent run here; rough work through the bush too, but then soft as
+tan&mdash;no hard roads like in the Old Country, you know."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but the bush is the bush, and you have to go up and down ravines
+and over trees and obstacles of all kinds."</p>
+
+<p>"Right you are. It frightens you at first, but, like the Irishman who
+said his wife didn't mind a beating as she had got so accustomed to it,
+these horses are accustomed to the ups-and-downs of the bush, and you
+get accustomed to it too after a few hours. You may have it pretty
+rough. Lor' bless you, some never stop at anything&mdash;there's Jack
+Madcapper and Tom Devil McCary, why, they are daisies. They buy their
+horses here&mdash;well, they work 'em, never stop to open a gate, let the
+horses go and clear it, over they go buggy and all. Fences? Well it's a
+little relish now and then to jump 'em, and you ought to see the buggies
+fly in the air. They always take a rope or two to mend up a bit. If a
+horse is injured, they go on with the rest and leave it, and wire us for
+another team. Horses ain't worth thinking about out here, and the gates
+ain't much use, nor the fences either, now that we have nothing to keep
+in them."</p>
+
+<p>I turned to the "vet."</p>
+
+<p>"Valuable race-horses are the best off after all, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, they have neither bits of gates nor fancy fences to negotiate;
+they have stone walls and solid five-foot timber jumps. They have to go
+over the whole lot clear, or come to grief. I have shot about 1,000
+crippled first-class crack racers in ten years on the course alone."</p>
+
+<p>"Then there is no love for the horses here?"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Nonsense! we love 'em. Why, it is a touching incident, I tell you, when
+I come on the scene to save further pain for the poor animal. The boy
+who has had it in charge runs over with a cloth to throw over his
+favourite. Then he draws me on one side, and says, 'Don't shoot, sir,
+till I'm away, I can't bear it.'"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;">
+<img src="images/img159.jpg" width="700" height="484" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">LANDING AT ADELAIDE.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Adelaide is a charming place when you get there, but you have to get
+there first. Getting there is no easy matter if you arrive by sea, as
+you must when coming direct from the Old Country. Both for comfort and
+effect Adelaide is better approached by land, as when coming by rail
+from Melbourne. The railway has to cross the range of hills which shuts
+Adelaide in from the east, and some fine views of the city and the
+plains are obtained.</p>
+
+<p>From the anchorage at Largs Bay the city is barely visible, and
+travellers have to take train through Port Adelaide up to the city, a
+journey of about eight miles across the plains. These plains have been
+cleared of trees, and the country is bare and uninteresting.</p>
+
+<p>Before starting on this journey, however, the unhappy voyager has much
+to go through. In this respect Adelaide compares badly with Melbourne
+and Sydney. Sydney harbours the largest steamers in the centre of the
+city; Melbourne allows<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> them to come to the back door&mdash;at Port
+Melbourne; while Adelaide compels them to stay outside in the middle of
+the road, or roadstead, and a very rough roadstead it is. When the
+weather is at all fresh, the landing is positively dangerous. The steam
+launches which come out to the mail steamers are bound round from stem
+to stern with huge rope fenders. When the launches are jumping,
+wriggling and plunging alongside the steamers, it is no easy matter to
+get into them, and anyone but a sailor or a professional acrobat would
+find it safest to be lowered over the side in a basket. The voyage to
+the jetty at Largs Bay is a brief epitome of the Bay of Biscay, the
+Australian Bight, and the monsoons of the Indian Ocean. When you reach
+the jetty, you are hoisted on to it by practised hands as the launch
+jumps to the right level. Then&mdash;splash! and up comes a green sea through
+the boards and you are wet to the skin. Bathing, it seems, like
+education, is "free and compulsory" at Adelaide. Perhaps this is a part
+of the quarantine operations&mdash;disinfection by salt water. This sea bath
+is, however, the only thing, as far as I am aware, that the traveller
+gets for nothing in South Australia. Passengers' baggage is charged for
+when it lands at the jetty at the rate of 1<i>s.</i> 3<i>d.</i> per cwt., and the
+same has to be paid on leaving. When at last you get into the
+train!&mdash;such a train! but perhaps the railway department does not like
+the risk of having good carriages soiled by passengers' wet clothes&mdash;you
+compare this "boat express" with those of Folkestone, Dover, Harwich,
+and Southampton. The first-class carriages are not equal to the
+third-class on the English lines. Being an express, this train runs more
+than a mile without stopping. Then you have to change trains. When you
+get along again, you notice that the railway to Port Adelaide runs along
+the street without any fence whatever to prevent people from driving or
+walking on to the line. Fatalities of course are common, and excite
+little notice; bolting horses and consequent accidents are of almost
+daily occurrence, and the local residents get quite to enjoy being
+pitched out of their buggies. Life here cannot be dull, while it lasts.
+Passengers are lucky if they reach Adelaide within<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> an hour and a half
+of leaving the steamer, the distance being about ten miles.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;">
+<img src="images/img161a.jpg" width="550" height="474" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">PONDICHERRY VULTURES.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 380px;">
+<img src="images/img161b.jpg" width="380" height="256" alt="THE MAID OF THE INN." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE MAID OF THE INN.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The Zoological Gardens of Adelaide are particularly fine. The situation
+is lovely, the plan is excellent, and originality shown in the design of
+the houses. The specimens are fairly numerous and all excellent of their
+kind, and at most points, this is the best "Zoo" in the Colonies. The
+most original house is that of the guinea-pigs, which is a huge doll's
+house, complete with blinds and even a scraper at the door, and an
+inscription outside, "School for Young Ladies&mdash;conducted by the Misses
+Guinea Pig." The cage that attracted me most was that of Pondicherry
+vultures. Mr. Gladstone has often been caricatured as a grand old bird,
+but the Pondicherry vulture is a replica of the veteran statesman,
+collar and all.</p>
+
+
+<p>There are many beautiful drives around Adelaide&mdash;at least, as beautiful
+as is possible when the scenery is marred by a barrenness of soil, a
+lack of greenness in the grass, an absence of wild flowers, and a dull
+uniform and sombre tint upon all the trees. The hills, which look
+somewhat featureless from the city, are riven in a hundred places by
+rocky gorges or gullies, and many well-made roads cross the range at
+various points. The roads to Belair and Mount Lofty, to Green Hill,
+Marble<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> Hill, Moriatta, and a score of other places, give at numerous
+points fine views of the hills and the plain, and some of the
+waterfalls, notably the one at Waterfall Gully and at Fourth Creek, are
+eminently picturesque in a rugged way. I was advised to ignore all these
+beauty spots in favour of one&mdash;namely, Paradise. The name seemed to
+augur well, and my adviser seemed so serious that I determined to make
+my way to Paradise. In my mind I conjured up a place of infinite romance
+and beauty, the choice of all the pleasant places in a pleasant land;
+the Garden of Eden of the Southern Hemisphere. Expectation was at flood
+with sunny imaginings as I journeyed over level and dusty roads towards
+this land of promise. I drew Paradise as I saw it, and the sketch will
+tell more about its beauties than volumes of description. I made for the
+hotel, and there I found a lady who took me into the garden and pointed
+out a gap in the fence through which I could squeeze my way into
+Paradise. I went expecting to be rewarded by a glimpse of the romantic
+and picturesque of which I was in search. I had been told of the
+wonderful orange groves of this place. There were trees with oranges
+growing&mdash;about enough to feed an average school-treat; and at last I saw
+the point of all the joke&mdash;a girl-child was tempting a boy to steal
+oranges; the serpent had left, so I made for the hole in the fence and
+quitted Paradise for ever,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> I have looked for the humorist who sent me
+there, but we have not met since, which is perhaps as well.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 272px;">
+<img src="images/img162a.jpg" width="272" height="350" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE WAY INTO PARADISE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/img162b.jpg" width="450" height="345" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">PARADISE.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p style="clear: both;">One of the chief characteristics of Australian city life is its lack of
+characteristic features. The types of civilised humanity one meets might
+be denizens of Islington or Battersea for any distinguishing trait to
+stamp them as Antipodeans. There is a certain breezy familiarity and
+absence of suavity in their manners and deportment, but otherwise they
+are an average lot of mixed Britishers and no more.</p>
+
+<p><a name="ADAM_AND_EVE" id="ADAM_AND_EVE"></a></p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/img163.jpg" width="450" height="353" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">ADAM AND EVE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>As soon as I arrived I went about in search of a type of the Australian
+girl for my pictures, and was sketching one from my hotel window as
+typical of a real Australian, when the Captain of our ship came in and
+said, "Oh, there's that Cockney, Miss So-and-so!"</p>
+
+<p>She came over in our ship second-class, and had never been in Australia
+before!</p>
+
+<p>I recollect a similar instance in Ottawa, Canada. I was returning from
+Government House, where I had been taken by the Mayor to sign the
+visitors' book, and as we were returning in the electric car I sat
+opposite a fine, smart specimen of a youth. I whispered to my Canadian
+acquaintance, "Is that a genuine type of a true Canadian?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, a perfect type."</p>
+
+<p>I made the sketch.</p>
+
+<p>The following evening I was the guest at Government House, and to my
+surprise I noticed that one of the servants at dinner was the typical
+Canadian I had sketched. He was MacSandy, fresh from Aberdeen!</p>
+
+<p>But if I have been mistaken, others are sometimes mistaken in me, for a
+few hours before the surprise recorded above<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> happened I was in my hotel
+in Ottawa, the morning after I had appeared in the Opera House in the
+"Humours of Parliament." An eminent Canadian divine was ushered into my
+quarters, and addressing me said:</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 315px;">
+<img src="images/img164.jpg" width="315" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">A TYPE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Allow me to introduce myself, and to say that I listened with the
+greatest pleasure and profit to your most admirable discourse last
+evening."</p>
+
+<p>I bowed my very best.</p>
+
+
+<p>"I must say," continued the rev. gentleman, "that your efforts in the
+cause of Christianity in this city are marked by a fervour and
+earnestness that cannot fail to convert."</p>
+
+<p>"Really," I said, "you flatter me."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, no, sir; you are one of the brave soldiers of Christianity who
+march through the world addressing huge audiences and influencing the
+masses, taking life seriously, and denouncing frivolity and
+worldliness."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said, "I don't think I do any harm, but I must disclaim for my
+poor efforts to amuse&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Amuse, sir!" repeated the astonished divine. "Surely I am speaking to
+the gentleman whose stirring discourse it was my good fortune to listen
+to last evening in Dominion Church?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir, I was in the Grand Opera House."</p>
+
+<p>"Then you are not Dr. Munhall, the Revivalist?"</p>
+
+<p>"Bless you, no, sir. I am Furniss, the caricaturist."</p>
+
+<p>"Good gracious! where's the door? Let me out! They have brought me to
+the wrong room!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XI" id="CHAPTER_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI.</h2>
+
+<h3>PLATFORM CONFESSIONS.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Lectures and Lecturers&mdash;The Boy's Idea&mdash;How to Deliver It&mdash;The
+Professor&mdash;The Actors&mdash;My First Platform&mdash;Smoke&mdash;Cards&mdash;On the
+Table&mdash;Nurses&mdash;Some Unrehearsed Effects&mdash;Dress&mdash;A Struggle with a
+Shirt&mdash;A Struggle with a Bluebottle&mdash;Sir William Harcourt Goes
+out&mdash;My Lanternists Go Out&mdash;Chairmen&mdash;The Absent Chairman&mdash;The
+Ideal Chairman&mdash;The Political Chairman&mdash;The Ignorant
+Chairman&mdash;Chestnuts&mdash;Misunderstood&mdash;Advice to Those about to
+Lecture&mdash;I am Overworked&mdash;"'Arry to Harry."</p></div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 500px;">
+             <img src="images/img165top.jpg" style="margin-bottom: 1.5em;" alt="QUEEN'S HALL, LONDON. I WAS THE FIRST TO SPEAK" height="192" width="500"/>
+
+    </div>
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 205px;">
+             <img src="images/img165bottom.jpg" style="margin-top: -3.8em; margin-bottom: 0em; margin-left: 0em;" alt="T" height="218" width="205"/>
+
+    </div>
+
+
+<p style="margin-top: 17em;"><small><b>QUEEN'S HALL, LONDON. I WAS THE FIRST<br />TO SPEAK
+FROM THE PLATFORM.</b></small></p>
+
+<p style="margin-top: 2em;">HAT hateful word "lecture"! Oh, how I detest it! In the juvenile brain
+it conjures up mental punishment in the shape of a scolding, for to be
+"lectured" is to be verbally flogged, and the wrathful words that smite
+the youthful ear carry with them just as sharp<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> a sting as the knots of
+the lash that fall on the hapless back of the prison culprit.</p>
+
+<p>To the boyish mind the lecturer is pictured as an old fossil to whom he
+has to listen attentively for an hour without understanding a word of
+his learned discourse. The funereal blackboard, the austere diagrams,
+the severe pointer and the chilly glass of water, a professor something
+like one of the prehistoric creatures he is talking about, with his long
+hair and long words, his egotistical learning, his platitudes and pauses
+and mumblings, combine to depress the youngster, who all the time is
+longing for the fresh air and an hour of cricket or football. Then the
+notes he is supposed to take! True, there is a certain momentary feeling
+of pleasure and importance on acquiring the first clean, new notebook
+and long, well-sharpened pencil, but it is of very, very brief duration.
+The boy won't be happy till he gets it, but he's anything but happy when
+he's got it! He sees (of course I refer here to public lectures) some
+"prehistoric gurls," as an Irish boy once termed them to me, taking
+copious notes, but the long words and learned phrases stagger the
+budding scientist and befog his as yet undeveloped brain. I am speaking
+from my experience when I attended the first of a series of lectures by
+leading professors of the Dryasdust species.</p>
+
+<p>Nor does the subsequent cross-examination by the parents enhance in the
+youthful idea the pleasure of being lectured to.</p>
+
+<p>In boyhood's days the student has to attend his lectures, and when they
+are over he rejoices accordingly; but what about the lectures in after
+life? Although I have given many of these latter myself, I cannot say
+that my experience as one of the audience has been very extensive, as I
+have only heard one or two. The first I heard was delivered by Professor
+Herkomer some years ago. The subject interested me, as I thought I knew
+more about it than the lecturer himself, and Herkomer's delivery was
+particularly good, but it was a "lecture" in the strict sense of the
+word. We were scolded, and went away like whipped boys. When I stood on
+that identical platform a few years afterwards <i>I</i> scolded everybody&mdash;it
+is the duty of the lecturer to do so.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A lecturer must be a personage altogether superior&mdash;this is essential.
+If he does not possess this attribute, he must assume it. Modesty is
+ineffective; mock-modesty is distasteful; you must instruct your
+audience. The commonest platitudes will serve if you call it a
+"lecture," and address them to an audience as if they were a lot of
+school children.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 437px;">
+<img src="images/img167-tb.jpg" width="437" height="500" alt="" title="Pariliament by Day" /><br />
+<span class="link"><a href="images/img167.jpg">View larger image</a></span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 424px;">
+<img src="images/img168-tb.jpg" width="424" height="500" alt="" title="Pariliament by Night" /><br />
+<span class="link"><a href="images/img168.jpg">View larger image</a></span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>When a lecture-entertainment has been written, the question then is how
+to deliver it. Now, with the exception of returning<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> thanks for "art" or
+"literature" or for "the visitors" now and then at a City banquet, I was
+quite unaccustomed to public speaking. A friend of mine suggested I
+should take lessons in elocution from "one of those actor fellows." "It
+is not what you say but how you say it," he said to me. "Indeed!" I
+replied, rather nettled. "Matthew Arnold had a wretched delivery, and I
+think there was something in what he said." "True, but you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> are not a
+Matthew Arnold, nor I should say a George Dawson either. So take lessons
+in elocution, my boy, and save yourself and your audience." Therefore,
+modestly I went to consult a professor of elocution with my lecture in
+my pocket, feeling very much as I did when I first walked to school, or
+to my first editor with my youthful artistic attempts. I had, by the
+way, attended an elocution class and a drawing class in my school days,
+but no boy was expected to learn anything from either.</p>
+
+<p><a name="MARY_ANDERSON" id="MARY_ANDERSON"></a></p>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 255px;">
+<img src="images/img170a.jpg" width="255" height="380" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MISS MARY ANDERSON.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p style="margin-top: 4em;">It is curious to notice how parents willingly subscribe to the school
+extra, "Elocution class," in the belief that it gives boys confidence. I
+was a nervous boy, so I joined. The drawing extra certainly gives a boy
+confidence, because he sees the feeble productions of the drawing-master
+and feels he has little to learn in order to become one himself. I shall
+never forget my first attempt in the elocution class at school. The
+Professor selected a piece for the day&mdash;it was to be learned
+letter-perfect. Now I unfortunately parodied it and burlesqued the
+Professor, who stood at the end of the library, giving us suitable
+actions to the words. We all faced him like a company of soldiers formed
+in a square. Being small, I, sheltered by the big boys in front,
+indulged in my antics with impunity. Certainly I did not want confidence
+at that moment. This over, we sat down round the library, and then the
+custom was to call out a boy to recite the piece of the day alone for
+the benefit of the others. He called upon me! Confidence had fled. I was
+not struck with stage fright, but with Professor fright. I tried to
+repeat the words and thought I did, but not until I was stigmatised by
+the Professor as incorrigible, and ordered to sit down, was I aware that
+I had really given my parody and not the piece.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p>When I went in search of another Professor this incident of my last came
+to my memory, and I felt unhappy. Attitude is everything, thought I. I
+shall look in at the picture galleries as I pass and compare the
+oratorical attitudes of the people of the past. I was rehearsing before
+one in the National Gallery when my antics attracted a lady. I looked
+round to see the effect&mdash;she was laughing. It was Miss Mary Anderson,
+the celebrated actress. I told her I was about to lecture and was on my
+way to take lessons in elocution. "Do nothing of the sort," she cried.
+"The public does not want to hear your attempts at elocution. Say what
+you have to say in your own way. Speak slowly and distinctly, and let
+everyone hear right at the end of the room." So it came to pass that
+Miss Mary Anderson was my only teacher in elocution, and this was the
+only lesson I received. Although what I say on the platform may not be
+worth listening to, I take good care that no one has to ask me to speak
+up, and put their hands to their ears to hear what I am saying; nor do I
+think, as I avoid the "preachy" style of delivery, my audiences get
+weary of hearing my voice.</p>
+
+
+<h4>MY FIRST PLATFORM.</h4>
+
+
+<div class="figleft"><img src="images/img170b.jpg" style="margin-top: -1.4em;" width="421" height="600" alt="" title="By" /></div>
+<p style="margin-top: 3em;">DESIRE," I rehearsed my first lecture, "Art and Artists," at the
+Savage Club, previous to my giving it in public. In those days the
+Savages smoked their pipe of peace in a long room in the Savoy,
+overlooking the graveyard where so many of their tribe lay at rest. I
+recollect the reading-room at the back looked on to a huge building with
+mournful black lettering on it, announcing the fact that it was the
+office of some Necropolis. Truly a doleful surrounding for the club
+whose members are engaged in promoting the gaiety of nations! The long
+room was divided into two, the longer portion being the dining-room, and
+the smaller one the card-room, and on Saturday evenings, when they all
+sat<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> round smoking their calumets, and singing their songs, and dancing
+their war-dances, the room was tried to its utmost capacity, and as on
+the occasion to which I am referring the tribe paid me the compliment of
+assembling in its numbers, the whole room was required. It was late in
+the evening when I arrived, and I found the lanternist in a state of
+agitation because the partition was not down, and he was, therefore,
+unable to put up the screen, as the card-players vigorously protested
+against any disturbance.</p>
+
+<p>Now it has always struck me, perhaps more forcibly on this occasion than
+on any other, that the most selfish men on the face of the earth are to
+be found in the card-rooms of clubs. The time was close at hand for me
+to make my maiden effort in public lecturing, and I was not going to be
+baffled by a handful of card-players; so, backed by the authority of the
+secretary, I ordered them in Cromwellian tones to "Take away that
+partition!" The players were all but invisible, surrounded as they were
+by volumes of smoke, out of which there issued incalculable quantities
+of great big D's intermixed with the fumes of poisonous nicotine. Down
+went the partition, up went the screen, on went the game. I firmly
+believe they would not have looked up had Cavendish come to deliver a
+discourse from the platform on whist. I was quite prepared to proceed
+without disturbing their game, but a difficulty arose&mdash;there was no
+platform, and I required their tables for the purpose. The grumbling
+gamblers had to submit at last, and cards in hand they betook themselves
+to another room, so I was able to mount my first platform&mdash;a collection
+of tables. Now I don't know how it is, but it is a fact that there is
+nothing more unnerving than to stand on a table. The infantile prodigy
+who is put up on a table for the first time so as to be better admired
+by fair visitors, and who has previously struggled manfully from one end
+of the room to the other on the floor, totters and falls at the first
+step when raised to this higher elevation. Anyone can with ease stand on
+a chair and hang up a picture or anything of the sort, but standing on a
+table has the effect of making you grow weak in the knees and light in
+the head. This is not the effect of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> extra height, but the knowledge
+that the table was constructed so that you could put your feet under it,
+and, therefore, they have no right on top of it.</p>
+
+<p>Have you ever been in a court of justice in Ireland and seen a witness
+perched upon a table? In that enlightened country a table takes the
+place of the witness-box. The result is delightful. Standing in a
+witness-box and leaning comfortably over the bar, you can be
+comparatively at your ease, your legs can tremble unobserved, and you
+seem to be in a measure protected from the searching gaze of the public.
+Not so in the Emerald Isle. The chair is placed in the centre of the
+table in the well of the court between the judges and the counsel, and
+the unfortunate witness, finding himself in this elevated and awkward
+position, becomes nervous in the extreme. His feet are a great source of
+discomfort to him. He doesn't seem to know what to do with them. First
+he tucks them under the chair, then he crosses them, then he turns his
+toes out, then he turns them in, and just when he is beginning to get
+accustomed to his embarrassing situation, the cross-examination begins,
+and he is at the counsel's mercy:</p>
+
+<p>"Now thin, don't be gaping at the jury, sir; why arrn't you respectful
+and keep your eye on his lordship?"</p>
+
+<p>"Now, sir, attind to me whin I'm speaking, look me straight in the face,
+and answer me!"</p>
+
+<p>"D'ye see this gintleman on me right? Now, now, don't hisitate, keep
+cool!"</p>
+
+<p>It is more than the poor witness can do to keep on the chair. The judge
+is on his right, the counsel on the left, and the jury in front of him,
+and after vainly trying to keep his eye on them all at the same time, in
+obedience to his counsel's injunctions, he is requested by the opposing
+counsel to observe some witness in the court behind him. In my opinion
+the witness ought to be provided with a swivel chair, or else the clerks
+who sit round ought to be adepts in the art of table-turning.</p>
+
+
+<p>Some years later I had another experience of speaking from an impromptu
+platform; perhaps the most unique audience I ever addressed. It was at
+Merchant Taylors' Hall, when a reception<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> was given to hospital nurses
+from all over the kingdom. My pencil perhaps can give a better idea of
+the sundry and various varieties of the "nursus hospitalicus" from the
+different nurseries of the country. There was no proper platform or
+stage, so the attendants had the task of moving all the heavy tables in
+the splendid hall together, so as to form a substitute. This I thought
+very efficient, but when I mounted it I found that I could much better
+have given an exhibition of fancy sliding or skating than illustrations
+of the pedestrian peculiarities of Members of Parliament. I was inwardly
+pleased to think that my audience was entirely composed of skilled
+nurses, who were close at hand should anything happen, for I had serious
+misgivings about the slippery surface of my improvised stage. Visions of
+myself with a broken arm or leg floated before me,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> and, indeed, I don't
+think I should have been so very sorry had an accident occurred, so
+enraptured was I by the sight of so much feminine beauty.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img173.jpg" width="650" height="606" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">GIVING MY &quot;HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT&quot; TO THE NURSES.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Those in front were all seated on the floor, while the rest were
+standing in the huge hall, there being no seats. I noticed that the
+prettiest dress was that worn by the nurses from the lunatic asylums. I
+felt that I would eventually come under the supervision of these ladies,
+for a military band, regardless of my performance, was playing a
+selection from the "Gondoliers" just outside in the corridor, and if I
+had not had it stopped, I would certainly have gone out of my mind. I
+particularly noticed on this evening that various points were passed
+over in silence by my audience which are invariably taken by others. In
+the second part of my entertainment I make a speech in the character of
+the "Member for Boredom," anent the use of black sticking-plaster in
+public hospitals. This is intended by me to be more of a satire than a
+humorous incident, and I am supposed to bore my audience as the
+honourable gentleman is supposed to bore the House; but on this occasion
+the nurses, who understood very little about politics, simply roared
+with laughter at the mention of a subject with which they were so
+familiar. Truth to tell, I was rather doubtful whether I had succeeded
+in entertaining the charming ladies, and was therefore particularly
+gratified to receive the following note from Sir Henry Burdett:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><br />"<span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Furniss</span>,&mdash;I hope you were satisfied with your audience
+after all. They were quite delighted with your 'Humours of
+Parliament,' and the fame of your handiwork will be carried all
+over the United Kingdom and to the Colonies, for there were over
+1,100 nurses present, and some from the Colonies. This is the
+greatest gathering of nurses which has ever been held, and I was
+much struck with the discipline they displayed in responding
+cheerfully to the request that they would keep quiet and settle
+down.</p>
+
+<p>"If you were as pleased with the audience as they were with you,
+the meeting ought indeed to be a happy one....</p>
+
+<p>"With many thanks for your most excellent and successful
+performance, which gave just <i>&eacute;clat</i> to the gathering to-night,</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+"Believe me, faithfully yours,</p>
+
+<p class="author">"<span class="smcap">Henry C. Burdett</span>."
+</p>
+
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The most difficult audience of all to address is a small audience. I
+feel far more at home before an audience of three or four thousand than
+I do before three or four hundred. But the most critical audience, I
+think, is a boys' school. Not that they criticise you so much at the
+moment, particularly if you appear as an antidote to Dryasdust. But
+experience has shown me that something one may have said has opened a
+fresh idea in the youthful mind, and the criticism, though frequently
+belated, is more genuine than that of the matured members of the public
+who simply wish to be amused for the passing hour.</p>
+
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 159px;">
+<img src="images/img175.jpg" width="159" style="margin-top: -1.5em; margin-right: -1.5em;" height="350" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">SPEAKER BRAND,<br />AFTERWARDS VISCOUNT HAMPDEN.</span>
+</div>
+<p style="margin-top: 2em;">OMETIMES I have discovered in my audience public men I am "taking off"
+in my entertainment. This more frequently happened in the "Humours of
+Parliament," where the M.P. of the place in which I appeared came if I
+was not too unkind to him. But it more often happened he sent a member
+of the family in advance, to find out whether the great man was
+lampooned or not.</p>
+
+<p>A friend of mine on a visit to a country house informed me that his
+hostess, seeing I was "billed" for two nights in the neighbourhood,
+previous to arranging a house party to hear me, took the precaution to
+send the Curate the first night to report. He came back and condemned me
+and my show unmercifully; my manner, matter, and voice were all bad, and
+I was certainly not worth hearing. So the party did not go. It so
+happened that in the particular entertainment I was giving&mdash;"America in
+a Hurry"&mdash;I imitate a lisping country parson struggling through a
+wretched entertainment with a lantern!</p>
+
+<p>The most trying, at the same time most interesting, experience I had was
+in my first tour with my "Humours of Parliament," when I appeared at
+Lewes. The ex-Speaker of the House of Commons, Viscount Hampden, was in
+my audience, and it was interesting to watch him as I gave my imitations
+of him, calling an unruly Member to order.</p>
+
+<p>It was all but arranged for me to give my "Humours of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> Parliament"
+before her late Majesty at Balmoral. I got as far as Aberdeen, but a
+death in the Royal Family put a stop to all entertainments.</p>
+
+
+<h4>SOME UNREHEARSED EFFECTS.</h4>
+
+<p>The dress suit and the regulation white tie are essential to those who
+appear in public upon the platform. Mr. Frederick Villiers, the popular
+war correspondent, is an exception to this rule. He appears in his
+campaigning attire, with his white helmet on and a water-bottle slung
+round him; but of course it would be somewhat incongruous for a man in
+evening dress, that emblem of civilisation and peace, more suggestive of
+the drawing-room than the battle-field, to dilate upon the platform on
+the horrors of campaigning, and to take you through the stirring scenes
+of "War on a White Sheet." It would be equally absurd for a lecturer on,
+say, "The Life and Habits of a Microbe," to be dressed in the garb of a
+backwoodsman; but I was once obliged to deliver a lecture on "Art" in a
+rough tweed suit.</p>
+
+<p>It so happened that I was giving a series of lectures in the vicinity of
+Birmingham, and I was stopping with a friend of mine, the Director of
+the Art Gallery and Museum there. He suggested my leaving my Gladstone
+bag, containing my change of clothes, in his office, while I spent my
+day rummaging about old book shops for first editions and making calls
+on various friends. My host having had to go to London that day, I was
+left to my own devices, and it was about five o'clock in the evening
+when I went to the Museum for my belongings. To my horror I saw a notice
+up: "Museum closed at three o'clock on Wednesdays," and this was
+Wednesday! I rang and knocked, and knocked and rang, but all in vain. I
+crossed over to some other municipal buildings to see if there was
+anyone there who could help me out of my dilemma, but my spirits went
+down to zero when I was there informed that the custodian of the keys
+lived miles out of the town. Back I went to the Museum, fiercely
+plotting an ascent up the water-spout or a burglarious entrance through
+a back window, when, to my delight, I saw an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> attendant gesticulating to
+me from a window three or four stories from the ground. My time was
+running very short, so I rapidly explained to him the predicament I was
+in, and implored him to throw my bag out of the window. He told me that
+he was a prisoner locked in to look after the building, that there were
+three or four double-locked doors between him and the private office in
+which my coveted bag was lying, and wound up with the cheering
+announcement that my case was hopeless.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/img177.jpg" width="400" height="247" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE SURPRISE SHIRT.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I had only a few minutes left in which to catch my train. A glance at my
+cuffs showed me that one's linen has to be changed pretty frequently in
+a Midland town, so I made a frantic dive into a shirt-maker's.</p>
+
+
+<p>"White shirt, turn-down collar. Look sharp!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; size round neck, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, thirty, forty&mdash;anything you like, only look sharp." Time was nearly
+up.</p>
+
+<p>He measured my neck carefully. The size was a little under my estimate,
+so I got the shirt, bolted for the station, and jumped into the train as
+it was going off, my only luggage being my recent purchase. I got into
+this, and soon I was on the platform in my tweed suit. I apologised to
+the audience for making my appearance minus the orthodox costume, saying
+it might have been worse, and that it was better to appear without my
+dress clothes than without the lantern or the screen. I believe they
+soon forgot there was anything unusual about me, but I think that as I
+worked up to my subject, and became more and more energetic, they could
+see that I wasn't altogether happy. That wretched shirt certainly fitted
+me round the neck, but the sleeves were abnormally long for me, and the
+cuffs being wide, they shot out over my hands with every gesture. If I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>
+uplifted my hands imploringly, up they went, halfway up the screen; if
+with outstretched arms I drove one of my best points home, those cuffs
+would come out and droop pensively down over my hands; if I brought my
+fist down emphatically, a vast expanse of white linen flew out with a
+lightning-like rapidity that made the people in the first row start back
+and tremble for their safety; and when, after my final grand peroration,
+I let my hands drop by my side, those cuffs came down and dangled on the
+platform.</p>
+
+<p>If my reader happens to be much under the medium height, and rather
+broad in proportion, I would warn him not to buy his shirts ready-made.
+I cannot understand the idea of measurement that leads a shirtmaker to
+cut out a shirt taking the circumference of the neck as a basis. I know
+a man about six feet high who has a neck like a walking-stick. If he
+bought a shirt on the shirtmakers' system, it would barely act as a
+chest-preserver; and on the other hand, this shirt in question, as I
+said before, certainly fitted me round the neck, but I nearly stepped on
+the sleeves as I went off the platform at the close of my lecture, and
+some of the audience must think to this day that I am a conjuror, and
+that on this occasion I was going to show them some card trick with the
+aid of my sleeves, which would have been invaluable to the Heathen
+Chinee. Indeed, this is not the only time I have been suspected of being
+a sort of necromancer.</p>
+
+<p>I had a friend who was so anxious to improve his artistic knowledge that
+he used to come night after night with me to hear my lecture on "Art."
+It frequently happened that there was not a seat to spare in the hall,
+and on these occasions he used to come up on the platform and sit behind
+the screen, where he could see the pictures just the same. I think on
+the particular night I refer to I was delivering a lecture on
+"Portraiture," and at a certain passage I show a very flattering
+portrait, supposed to be the work of an old master. The portrait having
+appeared, I then dwelt upon the original, and pointed out "that no
+doubt, if we could see the original of this portrait, if we could see
+again the man who sat for it, I would not hesitate<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> to say that we would
+be alarmed at the inconsistency of pictorial art. I will show you,
+ladies and gentlemen, what I imagine this gentleman must have been
+like!"</p>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/img179.jpg" width="400" height="300" alt="DISCOVERED!" title="" />
+<span class="caption">DISCOVERED!</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>As I was speaking, some old gentleman in the side gallery had either
+fallen asleep or was very excited by my remarks, for he somehow jerked
+the cord which fastened the top of the screen to the gallery, and snap
+went the cord and down came the screen! Behind it there was an expanse
+of empty platform, with a semi-circular seat, and on it sat my friend,
+the enthusiast on art, fast asleep! The limelight, no longer checked by
+the screen, fell full upon him, and the rounds of applause which
+followed showed me that my unrehearsed effect, which might have ruined
+the evening, had made it instead a great success.</p>
+
+
+<p>There are sure to be occasional mishaps when the lecturer is assisted by
+the lantern; but as in my case, when one is not taken too seriously, it
+is easy to turn the misfortune off with a joke.</p>
+
+<p>A fly was the offender on one occasion in my experience. I was showing
+some portraits of Mr. Gladstone in my entertainment "The Humours of
+Parliament," and was doing my level best to rouse an appreciative North
+Country audience to a high pitch of enthusiasm for the man they
+worshipped so. I was telling them that at one moment he looks like this,
+and at another moment he looks like that, when I was amazed to hear them
+go into fits of laughter! In describing Mr. Gladstone I dilate upon him
+first in a rhetorical vein, and then proceed to caricature my own
+delineations, and it has always been flattering to me to find that the
+serious portraits have been received with a grave attention only
+equalled by the laughter with which the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> caricatures have been greeted.
+But not so on this occasion. I spoke of his flashing eye (titters!), his
+noble brow (laughter!), his patriarchal head (roars!), and a mention of
+his commanding aquiline nose nearly sent them into hysterics! Now in my
+lecturing days mishaps may have occurred which were due to some fault of
+the lantern or operator provided by the society I lectured to; but with
+the splendid set of lanterns I had made for my entertainment, engineered
+by the infallible Professor who exhibited for me, I never troubled to
+look round to see if the picture was all right. But for a second it
+struck me that by some mischance he might be showing the caricatures in
+place of the serious portraits. Quickly I turned round, and the sight
+that met my eyes made me at once join in the general roar. There was a
+gigantic fly promenading on the nasal organ of the Grand Old Man,
+unheeding the attempts which were being made on its life by the
+Professor, armed with a long pointed weapon. It had walked into the
+Professor's parlour&mdash;that is to say, into his lantern&mdash;and taken up its
+temporary residence between the lenses, whence it was magnified a
+hundredfold on to the screen!</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 277px;">
+<img src="images/img180.jpg" width="277" height="380" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE FLY IN THE CAMERA.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>If anything of this kind happens to a Professor lecturing on some
+scientific subject, it is no laughing matter, especially to a gentleman
+lecturing at a meeting of the British Association. At one of these
+gatherings a well-known Professor was giving a most interesting and
+appreciated address, illustrated by the limelight, on the subject of
+"Quartz Fibres." If I remember rightly, he was explaining to the
+audience that the strands of a spider's web were purposely rough so that
+the spider could climb them easily, but that a quartz fibre was smooth
+and glassy, and a spider would never attempt to ascend one. He showed on
+the sheet a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> single thread of a spider's web and a single quartz fibre,
+and amid the breathless excitement of the audience a real live spider
+was put into the lantern. The applause with which it was greeted must
+have made the poor thing nervous, I suppose, or else it may have had an
+attack of stage fright; anyhow, it curled itself up in a corner and
+refused to budge. A sharpened pencil, which magnified on the screen
+looked like a battering-ram, was brought into play, and the unfortunate
+creature had to rouse itself. "Now, ladies and gentlemen, you will
+notice that it is quite impossible for the spider to ascend the quartz
+fibre&mdash;it may try, but it is bound to fail&mdash;but see how it will rush to
+the strand from its familiar web!" The spider received an extra dig with
+the pencil, and then with astonishing alacrity ran to the quartz fibre,
+up which it climbed with the greatest ease amid the roars of the
+delighted audience. The fact was that the Professor had omitted to
+explain that his argument only applied to female spiders. These have a
+pernicious habit of running after their spouses and belabouring them, so
+the poor hubby is provided by Nature with a hirsute growth on his legs
+which enables him to escape by climbing, and nothing would delight him
+more than for his wife to give chase to him if there was a quartz fibre
+anywhere near.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes there is no gallery in which to place the lantern, and then
+the pictures have to be shown from the floor of the hall, when it seems
+to be the delight of everyone coming in late to walk up the centre in
+the full light of the powerful rays of the lantern, presumably for the
+pleasure of beholding their image projected in silhouette on to the
+screen. Those awful feminine hats ought to be abolished, and all late
+comers ought to be made to find their seats on their hands and knees, as
+they run the risk of upsetting the thread of the lecturer's discourse,
+and the gravity of the audience as well, I remember once when I was
+giving my lecture on "Portraiture: Past and Present," and illustrating
+the portraits on medals, I came to some near the bottom of the screen.
+"Here," said I, "we have the Lord Mayor and the Lady Mayoress of London,
+1300 <span class="smcap">A.D.</span>" At that moment the Mayor and Mayoress of the town, who, for
+effect I suppose, had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> come in a quarter of an hour late to the seats
+reserved for them in the centre of the hall, walked past the rays of the
+lantern, and were of course projected on to the screen, unconsciously
+burlesquing my picture, and causing an effect they had not anticipated.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 380px;">
+<img src="images/img182.jpg" width="380" height="235" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">LATE ARRIVALS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I referred just now to mishaps that will occur with the best-regulated
+lanterns. The gas, for instance, may become prematurely exhausted, which
+necessitates a stoppage while the cylinders are being changed, and when
+Rudyard Kipling's work, "The Light that Failed," was published, I
+immediately sent for a copy, thinking that probably the author had tried
+entertaining with the aid of the limelight in India and had had some
+experience of this kind. I could give that clever author plenty of
+material for another volume on "The Light that Failed"&mdash;a collection of
+anecdotes connected with the magic lantern. But, as I said, it doesn't
+so much matter to the entertainer as the lecturer, who must be <i>au
+s&eacute;rieux</i>, and when I was a lecturer I felt any mishap of the kind very
+keenly; but an entertainer is a privileged being, and can turn the
+matter off with a joke at the expense of his manager, his gas-man, his
+audience, or his subject. No less a personage than Sir William Harcourt
+happened to be on the screen when my gas went out one evening in
+Scotland. I had to retire from the platform while new cylinders of gas
+were being adjusted, and when I made my reappearance I assured my
+audience that it was probably the first occasion on which Sir William
+had been put out for want of gas!</p>
+
+
+<p>I recollect, though, once at Bradford, where I was lecturing, the
+audience were put out for want of it, for the operators supplied by the
+association I was lecturing to were utterly incompetent. The gas was
+bad, to begin with&mdash;it became small by degrees and beautifully less, and
+suddenly went out altogether! So did the operators. They simply bolted
+out of the hall, and left the lantern to manage itself.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h4>CHAIRMEN.</h4>
+
+<p>Du Maurier made a delightful drawing for <i>Punch</i> of a sandwich
+advertising contractor dismissing a man with a board on which was the
+letter H. "Now, look 'ere, you H! The public don't want yer, nor <i>I</i>
+don't, nor nobody don't&mdash;so 'ook it!" Or something to that effect.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img183.jpg" width="600" height="588" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">RESERVED SEATS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I wish lecturers could dismiss chairmen in the same peremptory fashion,
+for I am sure the public don't want him, nor <i>I</i> don't, nor nobody.
+Their boredom had better be dropped like the poor letter H&mdash;which, by
+the way, some chairmen drop pretty frequently.</p>
+
+<p>I'll classify the chairmen as follows:&mdash;The Absent Chairman, the Ideal
+Chairman, the Political Chairman, and the Ignorant Chairman.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>The Absent Chairman</i>.&mdash;I must divide the Absent Chairman into two
+heads. Two heads are better than one, but if both are absent&mdash;the one in
+body and the other in mind&mdash;it is evident no head is better than two.
+The absent in body does not turn up at the lecture&mdash;forgets all about
+it, or remembers too well what he suffered before. The lecturer and his
+audience are kept waiting. The absent in mind does turn up,
+though&mdash;turns up anything but trumps. He&mdash;"ah!&mdash;feels&mdash;ah!&mdash;the
+honour&mdash;ah!&mdash;of presiding this evening." He "has the honour&mdash;ah!&mdash;of
+introducing the lecturer, a lady&mdash;ah!&mdash;a gentleman, I should say, whose
+name is a household word. Who does not know the name of&mdash;ah (feels in
+all his pockets for syllabus)&mdash;of&mdash;ah&mdash;this gentleman who is about to
+delight us all this evening on a&mdash;yes, yes,"&mdash;takes from his pocket a
+piece of paper from which he reads: "The Rev. Carbon Chalker, M.A., on
+Microbes found in the Middle Strata of Undiscovered Coal." "This rev.
+gentleman no doubt&mdash;&mdash;" he proceeds, when he is quickly interrupted by
+the secretary, who jumps up and says, "Excuse me, Mr. Chairman, that is
+last year's syllabus you have in your hand."</p>
+
+<p>The Ideal Chairman is one who rises and says, "Ladies and gentlemen,&mdash;I
+have the honour this evening to introduce to you Mr. Snooks, who has
+something interesting to tell you, and one hour in which to tell it. I
+will not stand in his way or take up your time by saying anything
+further." Now how seldom this happens! As a rule the chairman makes an
+excuse to deliver a speech on his own account. The most extraordinary
+case of that kind I ever heard of occurred at Birmingham. The amiable
+Member for one of the districts in Birmingham, whose name is always
+associated with "three acres and a cow," had to take the chair at a
+lecture given one evening to the people. As soon as the popular M.P.
+rose to speak there were loud cries of "Three acres&mdash;three acres! How is
+the coo? How is the coo?" It was just at the time when he had introduced
+that question. He rose to the occasion and made a long and elaborate
+speech upon the subject at heart. He went on speaking from about
+thirty-five to forty minutes. When he sat down the gentleman who had
+arrived from London to give his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> lecture on "Wit and Humour" simply rose
+and said: "Ladies and gentlemen,&mdash;I have the honour this evening to
+propose a vote of thanks to our member for his very interesting address
+upon the subject of 'Three Acres and a Cow.'" Someone else got up and
+seconded the motion, and it was carried unanimously amid great laughter
+and cheering. Then the chairman rose and began thanking the audience for
+the compliment they had paid him, and for the kind way in which they had
+listened to him. And a twelve-month later it dawned upon him that he was
+only the chairman of the meeting. This may be a pure invention, but it
+is the story as I heard it.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 217px;">
+<img src="images/img185.jpg" width="217" height="350" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">CHAIRMAN NO. 1.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>A story is told of a distinguished irritable Scotch lecturer who on one
+occasion had the misfortune to meet with a loquacious chairman, the
+presiding genius actually speaking for a whole hour in "introducing" the
+lecturer, winding up by saying: "It is unnecessary for me to say more,
+so I call upon the talented gentleman who has come so far to give us his
+address to-night." The lecturer came forward: "You want my address. I'll
+give it to you: 322, Rob Roy Crescent, Edinburgh&mdash;and I am just off
+there now. Good-night!"</p>
+
+<p>I cannot vouch for the truth of either of these stories. However, I have
+known chairmen myself who were very nearly as bad. I remember one&mdash;I
+think he was a doctor&mdash;who rose to introduce me. Instead of two or three
+minutes he took ten or twelve minutes. Of course he said I was very well
+known, and went on with some very flattering remarks about my work, and
+then he added: "Ah, how well I remember&mdash;yes, ladies and gentlemen, how
+well I remember years ago those<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> political sketches of the late Doyle
+and others, and when I think that in years to come that Mr. Furniss's
+attempts will be handed down to our children as I may say, recording the
+great events of the time we are passing through. Yes, let us see what
+the value will be to our children to know that Mr. Gladstone
+once&mdash;("Order, order," and "Hear, hear")&mdash;that, I say, Mr.
+Gladstone&mdash;(cries of "Sit down, we have not come to hear you")&mdash;that, I
+say, Mr. Gladstone, the grand old man of our time&mdash;("Sit down, sit down,
+sit down, we have not come to hear you&mdash;sit down")&mdash;Yes, and when I say
+that Lord Beaconsfield, whom I have no doubt you will see upon the
+sheet&mdash;("Wrap yourself up in yours, go home to bed, go home to bed")."
+Cries of this sort went on; the gentleman struggled on for about a
+quarter of an hour and then sat down. Well, I discovered afterwards that
+he was a very ardent politician, not altogether in tone with the
+audience, who were opposed to him in politics, and that he seized this
+chance of repeating a political speech he had often given to others of a
+different class. As a matter of fact my lecture that night had nothing
+whatever to do with Parliament; it was purely art matter; and this
+gentleman happened to be a great art collector and connoisseur, and in
+returning thanks for me afterwards made a very graceful little speech
+about art matters. If he had only asked me beforehand, of course it
+would have been a very agreeable opening instead of rather an
+unfortunate one. But it is quite as distressing to the lecturer to find
+that a chairman knows too much about his subject as to find one who
+knows nothing. If you happen to have delivered your lecture in another
+hall, and someone present who has heard you is the chairman of an
+evening when you are going to give it again, he will get up and inform
+his audience, with the usual flattery of chairmen, that there is a great
+treat in store for them, that he has had the pleasure of hearing you
+before, and you are going to tell them this, and going to tell them
+that, and in some cases he will even give a mangled version of some of
+the stories&mdash;in fact, will take all the plums out of the pudding that
+you have ready to tickle the appetites of your audience with.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Some chairmen impress their audience that they know far more about the
+subject than the lecturer. But worst of all is the chairman who knows
+absolutely nothing about the subject or about yourself. I remember one
+evening some pompous chairman getting up and saying: "I have great
+pleasure this evening in introducing to you Mr. Furniss. I know you have
+all heard of Mr. Furniss, and anyone connected as I am with engineering
+must look upon one of his great achievements with delight. All who have
+been to the great Metropolis and travelled along the Thames
+Embankment&mdash;a beautiful way that skirts the Thames&mdash;and have considered
+that at one time what was a heap of mud is now one of the handsomest
+thoroughfares in the world, must always consider that the work of the
+gentleman in front of you in being the constructor of that immense work
+deserves the gratitude of his countrymen, and I therefore take this
+occasion, before he rises to address you and enlighten you upon the
+engineering and the large contracting work in the great city in which he
+has the pleasure to live, to assure him as a brother engineer of the
+great work which he has performed for his fellow-countrymen."</p>
+
+<p>On enquiry I discovered that a namesake of mine was the contractor for
+the Thames Embankment, which was built when I was in knickerbockers.</p>
+
+<p>Of recent years I have had few experiences of chairmen, but
+proportionately their mistakes seem to be as of old. In the North of
+England last year I was specially engaged to appear before a literary
+society, and I supposed, by their paying me to go so far, they were,
+with Northern shrewdness, acquainted with the article in which they were
+investing. On these special occasions it is strange that a chairman is
+considered a compliment to the performer, and most certainly it affords
+the entertainer himself amusement. For instance, in this case I
+recollect my chairman&mdash;a most accomplished and representative man in the
+neighbourhood&mdash;was introduced to me as soon as I arrived at the hall. (I
+may mention it was not my first visit.) He quickly introduced me to the
+audience: "Ladies and gentlemen,&mdash;This evening I have the honour of
+introducing to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> you a gentleman whom we have all heard about, but few of
+us, if any, have seen before. We all know his work in Parliament in the
+pages of <i>Punch</i> for some years past; we all have enjoyed the writings
+of 'Toby, M.P.' This is Mr. H.W. Lucy, of <i>Punch</i>, our old friend 'Toby,
+M.P.'" I was giving my "Humours of Parliament," and during the evening
+I, of course as "Toby, M.P.," informed the audience at times that this
+was Harry Furniss's idea of Parliament, but I begged to differ with that
+gentleman, and it was rather a variety for me to play a Parliamentary
+Jekyl and Hyde for one night only.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 287px;">
+<img src="images/img188.jpg" width="287" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">CHAIRMAN NO. 2.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>If one must have a chairman, why should not the performer be allowed to
+turn a chairman into account, as that popular and versatile barrister,
+the late Sir Frank Lockwood, was in the habit of doing? When he lectured
+at Hackney he "brought down the house" in his description of Sergeant
+Buzfuz in "Pickwick" by giving a laughable imitation of his
+chairman&mdash;the late Lord Chief Justice, when Sir Charles
+Russell&mdash;cross-examining a witness. For all I know, others may follow
+the example of poor Lockwood. We shall read of the Bishop of Ripon
+giving imitations of the Archbishop of Canterbury; Sir Alexander
+Mackenzie is ready to make the musical world roar by his burlesque of
+Paderewski; and Lord Kitchener, when he returns from the war and gives
+the inevitable lecture, will delight military circles by his imitations
+of his chairman, the Commander-in-Chief.</p>
+
+
+<p>But I personally have no objection to a chairman if I am announced as a
+<i>lecturer</i> and it is the habit of the particular society to pay the
+lecturer the compliment of formally introducing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> him. But my appearances
+as a lecturer are few and far between, and when I, as I generally do,
+appeal direct to the public, I am most anxious to avoid giving my
+platform work any appearance of a lecture; yet the Press insist upon any
+entertainment given by men of my class being a lecture. I am a bit of an
+amateur conjurer, and I thoroughly believe were I to appear on the
+platform on a bicycle or on an acrobat's globe, and keep three balls in
+the air with one hand and spin a plate on a stick with the other, and at
+the same time retail some stories, the notice in the Press on the
+following morning would begin: "Mr. Harry Furniss gave an instructive
+<i>lecture</i> last night on subjects with which we are familiar. Some of his
+stories were good, some poor, and some we had heard before." And that is
+the rub! We had heard some stories before! I repeat I honestly have no
+objection to a chairman&mdash;the Ideal Chairman, who will inform the
+audience that you are an acrobat, and not a lecturer; but I do object to
+my friends and brother journalists who will tell the public you are a
+lecturer when you are not, keeping many of their readers away, and who
+will also publish your jokes. Of course, all stories are "chestnuts" an
+hour after they are told. When I first went on the platform I retailed
+new stories, but they were invariably served up in the next morning's
+papers, and were therefore known to many of the audience who came to
+hear me on the following evening. In fact, I once overheard a man at
+breakfast in an hotel saying, "No, I don't think much of Furniss; I have
+read that story of his about the pumpkin in the papers." Now this story
+of the pumpkin was an impromptu of mine the evening before, and I was
+naturally puzzled by over-hearing this remark. When the speaker left the
+room I took up the paper he had been reading. It contained an account of
+my effort<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> on the platform the night before, and my impromptu story was
+in it!</p>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 293px;">
+<img src="images/img189.jpg" width="293" height="380" alt="THE PUMPKIN&mdash;A CHESTNUT." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE PUMPKIN&mdash;A CHESTNUT.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>Of course, as in everything else, one must not be too original on the
+platform if he is to be served up in every course. If you treat general
+subjects in anything but a general way, and you are humorous and
+occasionally satirical, you will find that national failing, want of
+humour, will tell against you, as well as certain prejudices political
+and social. The selection of lecturers is generally in the hands of a
+committee. You have probably said something that grated upon the Radical
+opinions of one member, or upon the old Tory prejudices of another, or
+told some joke that they failed to see. So long as you keep to microbes,
+and heavenly bodies, and objects of the sea, you are proportionately
+successful with your dulness. But to be professionally humorous and a
+critic is to be eyed with suspicion. Your programme is criticised and
+generally misunderstood. Perhaps I can show no better instance of this
+than what occurred to me in connection with my old friend "Lewis
+Carroll," the author of "Alice in Wonderland."</p>
+
+<p>The Rev. C. L. Dodgson ("Lewis Carroll") in some respects was the
+typical Oxford Don&mdash;once a schoolmaster always a schoolmaster. He
+lectured his friends as he had lectured his youths, and treated grown-up
+men of the world as if they were children. In due course I visited
+Oxford to give my entertainments&mdash;"Humours of Parliament" first;
+"America in a Hurry" followed a few years afterwards. In the latter I
+gave a wordless imitation of that eccentric American, Talmage, at the
+same time carefully pointing out to my audience that I imitated his
+gestures and voice&mdash;not Talmage in the character of a preacher, but as a
+showman; I was therefore surprised to receive the following letter:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><br /><br />"<span class="smcap">Christchurch, Oxford.</span></p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Furniss</span>,&mdash;Yesterday I went to Russell's shop and bought
+four 5<i>s</i>. tickets for your American entertainment on the 23rd,
+thinking I would treat three young friends to it, and feeling quite
+confident that there could be no objectionable feature in any
+entertainment produced by you. An hour afterwards I chanced to
+notice in the programme the item 'A Sermon in Spasms,' and, in the
+quotations from Press notices,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> a commendation of your 'clever
+imitations of Dr. Talmage's sermons,' and immediately went and
+returned the tickets.... It did not seem necessary to speak (to the
+shopkeeper) of the more serious aspect of such an insult to
+Christianity, and such profaning of holy things...."</p></div>
+
+<p>I hastened to assure the rev. gentleman that Talmage was an
+"entertainer," like myself, that I used no words in imitation of him;
+merely his eccentric manner and showman's voice. I also hinted that I
+always had a number of clergymen in my audiences, and those who had
+heard me found nothing whatever objectionable, nor could they detect in
+what I did anything touching upon sacred things. This brought a lengthy
+rejoinder, from which I quote the following interesting passage:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The fact that thousands of clergymen have <i>not</i> been deterred by
+that announcement from going to the entertainment does not surprise
+me. In this age of ever-increasing irreverence, it is my lot to
+hear many a profane anecdote told; and the <i>worst</i> offenders in
+this line are, I am sorry to say, <i>Clergymen</i>."</p></div>
+
+<p>If this was so&mdash;and the Rev. C. L. Dodgson could not possibly exaggerate
+any more than "Lewis Carroll" could avoid exaggeration&mdash;how much better
+it would have been for him to listen to my wordless and harmless
+imitation of a public entertainer than to sit in the Common Room and
+listen to profane anecdotes from the lips of his fellow ministers of
+religion!</p>
+
+<p><a name="HUMOURS" id="HUMOURS"></a></p>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 198px;">
+<img src="images/img192.jpg" width="198" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">IN &quot;THE HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT.&quot;<br />BALLYHOOLEY PATHETIC.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>To those about to appear on the platform I would give the same advice as
+Mr. Punch gave to those about to marry&mdash;"Don't." "Lectures," "Readings,"
+or whatever they are called, are very little in demand now compared with
+twelve years ago. Many of the literary institutes and lecture societies
+are either dying from inanition or are content with a course of lectures
+of a poor description. This has been brought about by trying to do the
+thing on the cheap, and thereby disgusting the subscribers, who are not
+going to turn out of their cosy, warm houses on a winter's night to hear
+a poor speaker with a dull subject. The subscription lists are therefore
+depleted, and the societies cannot afford to engage experienced
+lecturers and entertainers.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p>It is a great mistake to imagine one has only to "write something," and,
+provided with a few "slides," a reading-desk, and a glass of water&mdash;and
+a chairman, mount a platform and read. Of course, an agent can always
+"boom" a novice&mdash;someone who has travelled, or written a book, or gone
+to smash, or become notorious in any way&mdash;for a course of "lectures,"
+provided there are sufficient chairmen to be found willing to act as an
+extra draw.</p>
+
+
+<p>Anyone nowadays thirsting for notoriety jumps on to the platform as a
+lecturer. He may have been "Perhaps a soldier full of 'cute ways, and
+fearless like his Pa! Stake your dollar sudden and quick to boom.
+Seeking a bauble reputation even at the Commons mouth." Or he may have
+been an aristocratic stowaway in a troop-ship, for instance, and become
+the hero in the pages of our new English-Americanised Press paying for
+and publishing his startling disclosures.</p>
+
+<p>The lecture is the natural sequence of the boom fever&mdash;a lecture, say,
+on "Red Tape Rats." A reading-desk, a glass of water, a map, a few
+amateurish snapshot slides exhibited by means of a lantern, <i>and</i> a
+great and popular chairman&mdash;then success is assured. But the crowd is
+not present to be interested in rats, nor are the reporters there to
+write about rats, nor is the chairman presiding so as to refer to the
+stowaway's paper on rats. For the chairman has his own Red Tape Rats to
+let loose with which to startle the audience and nobble the Press. The
+next day the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> report of the lecture is not headed "The Hon. Babbling
+Brook on Rats," but runs "An Admiral of the Fleet on Naval Reform," or
+"A Field Marshal with a Grievance," and a list of the fashionable party
+on the platform is considered of more importance than the lecturer's
+remarks.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 489px;">
+<img src="images/img193.jpg" width="489" height="650" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">HARRY FURNISS AS A PICTORIAL ENTERTAINER.<br /><i>Drawn by Clement Flower. Reproduced by permission of the proprietors of
+"The Graphic."</i></span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>In more tranquil times a penny-reading style of entertainment will
+suffice. A bishop or a duke may take the chair, and Charity take the
+proceeds. But the chairman with a name is the thing with which to catch
+the interest of the public.</p>
+
+<p>What I have said about lecturing in England applies equally to America
+and Australia, and I wish it to be distinctly understood that, as I am
+writing these lines for the benefit of those who think of accepting the
+tempting offers to go on the platform, I have no personal feeling in the
+matter whatever. Both in America and in Australia I have had splendid
+audiences; but in consequence of the long distances and expenses
+lecturing does not pay, and the stories one reads about men returning
+with thousands and thousands of pounds in their pockets are absolutely
+false. Do not believe them. They are manufactured statements for booming
+purposes. Dr. Conan Doyle honestly gave his opinion, and the correct
+one, that taking one thing with another you can make just as much money
+in England as you can in America or the Colonies. Of course there are
+exceptions,&mdash;I might more truly say accidents. Even a poor speaker, if
+he happens to be a clergyman (and some critics are unkind enough to say
+that these generally go together), and an author who has written a
+successful story, may in America have a great chance of making money,
+for the publishers and booksellers will advertise and push him so as to
+sell his books,&mdash;they will go so far as turning their shops into ticket
+offices. Then, too, he will find the <i>meenisters</i>, particularly if he is
+a Scotchman, will advertise him in advance from their pulpits, and
+probably in return get the "lecturer" to preach a sermon. Consequently
+he has two publics to work upon which no other lecturer or reader can
+procure,&mdash;the religious and the literary. But that is not a genuine test
+of the professional lecturer or reader. All literary men on the platform
+will get a certain number of people who have read their books in a
+celebrity-hunting country. They want to see the author, and once they
+have seen him they are satisfied. Return visits I know of, such as
+these, have been appalling failures. No, a man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> must give an
+entertainment which is in itself amusing and of such stuff that people
+will go even if any one else had given it&mdash;metal attractive to his
+audience, instead of merely being looked upon as a curiosity in the same
+way that one looks upon an orchid in a flower-show or a prize ox at
+Islington. But for the ordinary man, no matter how good he may be, to
+expect to have a triumphal tour, returning with a shipload of American
+dollars, is, believe me, absurd on the face of it. The lecture business
+died out years ago. When that country was younger all the people in the
+provinces attended lectures as part of their daily education, but now
+that class of entertainment is as out-of-date as a German Reed
+entertainment.</p>
+
+
+<p>I confess that I was overworked at one time. As an illustration of mere
+physical endurance it is perhaps worth recording. In fact, much in these
+pages might well have been published under the title of "Confessions of
+Endurance" in Sandow's magazine or in the <i>Lancet</i>, for the edification
+of those professional men who give advice to others not to overwork and
+invariably overwork themselves at the same time. Travelling every day,
+giving "The Humours of Parliament," with my imitations of ranting
+M.P.'s&mdash;nearly a two hours' tearing recitation&mdash;to large audiences every
+night, was perhaps sufficient for one man. The excitement of the success
+I made, the "booming," interviewing, and unavoidable entertainment at
+every town, the late hours, the early start, the business worries, fresh
+to each place, day after day, week after week, can only be understood by
+those who have gone through it. But this was only part of my work. Each
+week as I travelled I had to keep up my contributions to <i>Punch</i>&mdash;a
+whole page and several small drawings. I also wrote an article, fully
+illustrated, on every town I went to week by week for <i>Black and White</i>
+(subsequently reprinted in book form, "On Tour"), to say nothing of
+drawing in the train.</p>
+
+<p>Let me briefly give a fair average of one day's work at the time:</p>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 416px;">
+<img src="images/img196.jpg" width="416" height="600" alt="" />
+<span class="caption">REDUCTION OF A PAGE DRAWING FOR <i>PUNCH</i> MADE BY ME WHILST
+TRAVELLING BY TRAIN</span><br />
+<span class="link"><a href="images/img196full.jpg">View larger image</a></span>
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span><br /></p>
+
+<p><i>Morning.</i>&mdash;Start 9.30 train, eight hours' journey,&mdash;means up at seven,
+breakfast at eight. In train dictate letters<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> to secretary, who takes
+down in shorthand. (I never yet found a secretary who could write in a
+train. I can write quite easily; the secret is to <i>sit up</i>, holding pad
+in hand, and let the body move with the oscillation of the train. To
+write on your knee or on a table, or in any other way but this, is
+impossible.) 3.30 arrive at destination; go to hotel and order dinner.
+Then to my "travelling studio"&mdash;a large case fitted up with everything
+necessary for drawing in black and white. Straight to private
+sitting-room, order dinner to be ready in half-an-hour, at work at
+once&mdash;before the others and the luggage arrive. After light dinner, to
+hall or theatre to see if arrangements are complete. Then visit from
+local manager or secretary&mdash;friends&mdash;strangers, a walk round the town to
+get "copy," tea, a good hour's drawing (no matter how tired I can work
+on tea), dress, off to evening's work on stage; autographs to be written
+and people to meet; back to change, supper at some club, speeches; back
+3 a.m., bed, sleep&mdash;no, only occasionally. Hotel servants turn on
+electric light, begin sweeping the passage&mdash;sw&mdash;w&mdash;w&mdash;whish,
+sw&mdash;w&mdash;w&mdash;whish! they chat and laugh just outside one's door; they
+gradually sweep down the long, long passage. Doze&mdash;sleep. Bang, bang!
+"Five o'clock, sir." Bang, bang! the Boots awakening commercial men for
+early trains. Thump, thump! baggage packing-room over your head.
+Commercial, or sportsman, or entertainer, or whatever he may be,
+whistles or sings loudly as he dresses. Altercation with Boots about
+trains in passage. Bells, bells! "Hot water, hot water. Bath ready,
+sir." Train leaves at 8.15. I'm up. Something
+attempted&mdash;sleep&mdash;something not done,&mdash;I have earned but not got a
+night's repose. So in the cold, wet, misty morning off again with a
+heart for any amount of work; still achieving, still pursuing, learning
+to labour&mdash;and not to wait!</p>
+
+<p>Mr. E.J. Milliken, of <i>Punch</i>, frequently wrote to me in 'Arry verse.
+When I was confined to my bed with fever in the summer of 1893, I was
+terribly busy. I had my <i>Punch</i> work, my syndicated "London Letter" (a
+column-and-a-half of a newspaper, with four or five illustrations), and
+much other work<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> to do every week, and I, much against my doctor's and
+nurse's wish, worked all the time. <i>A propos</i> of this I received the
+following:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><h4>"'ARRY TO HARRY.</h4>
+
+<p>
+"<span class="smcap">Dear 'Arry</span>,<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"'Ow are yer, old 'ermit? I 'opes you're gittin' on prime For a sick
+man you put in good work, mate, and make the best use o' your time.
+You're like no one else, that's a moral. When <i>I'm</i> ill I go flabby
+as suet, But you keep the pot at full bile! 'Ow the doose do yer
+manage to do it?</p>
+
+<p>"I'm glad to believe you're a-mendin', though kep' on the strictest
+Q.T. The confinement must fret you, I'm sure, 'ow I wish I could
+drop in to see, And give you a regular rouser. But that is a
+pleasure to come; When we <i>do</i> meet again, we will split a fizz
+magnum, and make the thing hum.</p>
+
+<p>"I drop yer these lines just to show yer you ain't gone slap out o'
+my 'ed, Because I'm cavortin' round pooty permiskus, while you're
+nailed to bed! 'Taint a prison I'm nuts on, old pal, and I'll swear
+as it doesn't suit <i>you,</i> So 'ere's wishin' you out of it, 'Arry,
+and well on Life's war-path, Hurroo!!!</p>
+
+<p>"I sent over my pasteboard this mornin' to do the perlite <i>cummy
+fo,</i> But this 'ere is <i>entry noo</i> barney, a bit of a lark like, yer
+know. I picter you jest rampin' round like a big arktic bear in a
+cage! Well, keep up yer pecker, my pippin, and keep down yer
+natural rage. I'm yours to command, when you want me, to gossip or
+work, fetch or carry;</p>
+
+<p>"And that Harry may soon be O.K. and a 'arf, is the wish of</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+"Yours,<br />
+<span class="smcap"  style="margin-left: 6em;">"'Arry.</span>"
+
+</p></div>
+
+<p>I should like to confess my real reason for going on to the platform.
+The fact is that for many years I was mistaken in the country,
+particularly in Liverpool, Leeds and Bradford, for an artist who signed
+political caricatures "H. F.," and whose name, strange to say, is Harold
+Furniss. I understand he is about twice my size. So that I thought if I
+showed myself in public, particularly in the provinces, it would be seen
+that I was not this Mr. Harold Furniss. Now, unfortunately, on the stage
+or platform I look tall&mdash;in fact, bets have been made that I am over six
+feet high. On three or four occasions after I have left the platform or
+the stage I have had to grant an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> interview to gentlemen who have made
+bets on this point. The explanation is, however, simple enough: as there
+is no one on the stage or platform but myself, there is nothing to give
+my height, so the particular object of my appearing in public was
+frustrated.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/img200.jpg" width="450" height="402" alt="DOWN WITH DRYASDUST." title="" />
+<span class="caption">DOWN WITH DRYASDUST.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XII" id="CHAPTER_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII.</h2>
+
+<h3>MY CONFESSIONS AS A "REFORMER."</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Portraiture Past and Present&mdash;The National Portrait Gallery
+Scandal&mdash;Fashionable Portraiture&mdash;The Price of an
+Autograph&mdash;Marquis Tseng&mdash;"So That's My Father!"&mdash;Sala Attacks
+Me&mdash;My Retort&mdash;Du Maurier's Little Joke&mdash;My Speech&mdash;What I Said and
+What I Did Not Say&mdash;Fury of Sala&mdash;The Great Six-Toe Trial&mdash;Lockwood
+Serious&mdash;My Little Joke&mdash;Nottingham Again&mdash;Prince of
+Journalists&mdash;Royal Academy Antics&mdash;An Earnest Confession&mdash;My
+Object&mdash;My Lady Oil&mdash;Congratulations&mdash;Confirmations&mdash;The Tate
+Gallery&mdash;The Proposed Banquet&mdash;The P.R.A. and Modern Art&mdash;My
+Confessions in the Central Criminal Court&mdash;Cricket in the
+Park&mdash;Reform!&mdash;All About that Snake&mdash;The Discovery&mdash;The
+Capture&mdash;Safe&mdash;The Press&mdash;Mystery&mdash;Evasive&mdash;Experts&mdash;I
+Retaliate&mdash;The <i>Westminster Gazette</i>&mdash;The Schoolboy&mdash;The
+Scare&mdash;Sensation&mdash;Death&mdash;Matters Zoological&mdash;Modern
+Inconveniences&mdash;Do Women Fail in Art?&mdash;Wanted a Wife.</p></div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 308px;">
+<img src="images/img201.jpg" width="308" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption"><i>From a Photo by Debenham &amp; Gould.</i></span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>My attack upon the National Portrait Gallery was in the form of a
+lecture entitled "Portraiture Past and Present." I found the subject so
+large, so complicated, I may say so octopus-like, embracing such varied
+periods and phases, and throwing forth its arms or ramifications in so
+many directions, that I soon discovered I was struggling with a monster
+subject, with which it was impossible to grapple completely in the
+limited time allowed for the performance. Still I managed in a light way
+to review the history of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> portraiture from Dibutades to Millais, and
+from its display in the Temples to its discouragement at the National
+Portrait Gallery, taking as my text Carlyle's dictum that "Human
+Portraits faithfully drawn are of all pictures the welcomest on Human
+Walls," a sentiment that appeals to all, for there is no doubt human
+beings interest us more than anything else. The Pyramids of Egypt awe,
+but our interest is in those who raised them; Ancient Rome enchants in
+exact proportion to our interest in the Ancient Romans; the Forum is but
+a frame which the imagination instinctively fills with the forms of the
+mighty men who moved there; the Amphitheatre would have little interest
+but for those who made its dust; and when we wander through our
+Parliament at Westminster it is not so much the place that interests us
+as the senators associated with its name. I confess that when I travel
+on the Continent I cut cathedrals and study the people, in the
+boulevards, in the streets, in the market-place. When I have spare time
+in London I do the same, and at one time made a point of spending a day
+now and then wandering about the East End of London for the purpose of
+studying character; and it was while so occupied that I happened to
+stray into our National Portrait Gallery. I was astonished and disgusted
+at such a collection having such a name, and there and then decided that
+I would make this the subject of my lecture, and the following is
+briefly my indictment as I then laid it before the Grand Jury, composed
+of the Press and the Public:</p>
+
+<p>"Of all places, a Portrait Gallery should appeal to you most, and the
+National Portrait Gallery is the place in which to spend a happy day.</p>
+
+<p>"That is, if you are not critical. If you are, then get thee to a
+library and bury thyself in books of biography, for portrait painters
+were deceivers ever, historical portrait painters in particular.</p>
+
+<p>"The National Portrait Gallery was founded about thirty years ago, and
+the founder, Lord Stanhope, had the audacity to ask for a yearly grant
+of &pound;500 for the purpose of supplying the nation with a representative
+collection of national portraits.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> The first purchase made by the
+trustees was a portrait of Sir Walter Raleigh (rather suggestive of the
+undertaking ending in smoke). However, it has struggled on, such as it
+is.</p>
+
+<p>"Truly it is in no sense a National Portrait Gallery, and although the
+richest and most civilised nation in the world now generally grants
+&pound;1,000 a year to supply itself with representative portraits of its
+great men and women, being I may say about the price of one portrait by
+a successful painter, the portraits of our great lights do not swell the
+number of the collection.</p>
+
+<p>"It has been difficult, no doubt, even with this immense amount of cash,
+to get portraits of those of the past. They have been locked up in the
+stately homes of England.</p>
+
+<p>"Of late years Charles Surface, Earl of Spendthrift, knocks his
+ancestors down to the highest chance bidder, but the National Portrait
+Gallery knows them not.</p>
+
+<p>"The reason of this is not far to seek.</p>
+
+<p>"Taking up at random an annual report of the trustees, I read: 'The
+salaries of officials amount to &pound;1,176, other expenses &pound;591, the police
+&pound;635, total &pound;2,402.' And now we come to the interesting item: 'The money
+spent on the purchase of portraits &pound;255'! But the particular section of
+the report dealing with this item says seven works have been purchased
+for &pound;143 18<i>s.</i>&mdash;that is, &pound;20 11<i>s.</i> 1<i>d.</i> each.</p>
+
+<p>"Small wonder then that many works in the National Portrait Gallery of
+England&mdash;England where portraiture flourishes&mdash;are unworthy of the
+attendance of even &pound;35 worth of policemen. Can we wonder when &pound;635 is
+paid to the police to gaze at &pound;143 18<i>s.</i> worth of portraits, the
+purchase of the year?" and so on.</p>
+
+<p>The result of this "ridiculing the State," as the <i>Times</i>, in its
+leader, expressed it, for the penurious pittance it doles out of the
+revenues of the richest country in the world towards the maintenance of
+a National Portrait Gallery, was that I was the cause of arousing the
+Press of Great Britain to the miserable condition of the National
+Portrait Gallery, which ended in our having one in its place more worthy
+of the country.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Besides drawing public attention to the National Portrait Gallery, in
+the same lecture I put in a word for the struggling unknown portrait
+painters. Speaking of payment reminded me of the story told of
+Bularchus, a successful painter 716 B.C. Candaules, King of Lydia, paid
+him with as much gold as would cover the surface of the work. I told my
+audience that I doubted whether, if that system existed now, the
+portrait painters would leave any room at all on the Academy walls for
+subject pictures.</p>
+
+<p>Would Meissonier or Alma Tadema, say, paint your portrait for three
+napoleons, and would you pay Slapdash, R.A., fifteen thousand for a
+larger one? I then made the assertion, "It is not too much to say that a
+fashionable portrait painter often receives &pound;900 for his name, and &pound;100
+for the value of the picture to the sitter as a portrait. It is the
+artist's autograph with a dash of something attached." I asked, "Why
+should snobbery tempt those away from an honest, well-painted portrait
+by a less-known man, to accept a failure with a Society signature?" a
+query that was replied to by my receiving any number of letters from all
+over the country asking me to recommend artists; in fact, at the time I
+might have started an agency for portrait painters. One of the artists I
+suggested had already had a very striking portrait of the Chinese
+Ambassador, Marquis Tseng, hung in the Academy, and over that painting
+he had had a trying experience. His sitter, like Queen Elizabeth,
+objected to shadows, not like the conceited Queen through vanity, but,
+being an Oriental, he really did not understand what the shadows were,
+and rushed to the glass to see if his face was dirty. He was a high
+official in his own country, and naturally anxious not to be mistaken
+for the Dirty Boy. Again he got into a frightful state at the glazy
+appearance of his skin&mdash;it was an oil painting.</p>
+
+<p>"Only opium-eaters have shiny skins, and I am free from that vice. This
+is a libel, sir, and will disgrace me at home."</p>
+
+<p>Then he had no idea of perspective, but a great idea of his own rank,
+and commanded my bewildered brother-artist to paint the red button on
+the top of his hat, the feather down the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> back, the orders in front, and
+was disappointed that his different coats and sashes, three and four
+deep, could not all be shown at once.</p>
+
+<p>Another illustration of the difficulties of portrait painters I gave in
+the same lecture has since been so frequently repeated in the Press that
+I fear it will be stale to most of my readers&mdash;the story of the man who
+called upon the portrait painter and asked him to paint his father.</p>
+
+<p>"But where is your father?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, he died ten years ago."</p>
+
+<p>"Then how can I paint him?" asked the artist.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, I've just seen your picture of Moses, and surely if you can paint
+the portrait of a man who died thousands of years ago, you can more
+easily paint my father, who has only been dead ten years!"</p>
+
+<p>Seeing the sort of man with whom he had to deal, the young artist agreed
+to paint the defunct gentleman, and the picture in due time was sent
+home. It was carefully hung on the drawing-room wall, and the
+newly-blossomed art patron was called in to see it. He gazed at it for
+some time in silence, his eyes filled with tears, and then, slowly
+nodding his head, he said softly and reverently, "So that is my father!
+Ah, how he is changed!"</p>
+
+<p>But out of this lecture comes another story&mdash;the story of "The Great Six
+Toes Trial." I must start at the beginning of its strange, eventful
+history, the same way as, in my lecture, I began with the origin of
+portraiture.</p>
+
+<p>Now the late George Augustus Sala, in his leader in the <i>Daily
+Telegraph</i> on this lecture, accused me of not giving the origin of
+portraiture. "Mr. Harry Furniss was bold enough to maintain that,
+although Greek art remained the model art of the world, portraiture had
+very little to do with it. Mr. Furniss should not tell this story to the
+prehistoric toad, for that reptile's presumably long memory might enable
+it to remind the graphic artist that thousands of years ago the art of
+portraiture was invented by a sentimental young Greek girl, the daughter
+of a potter of Corinth, Dibutades." In the same<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> article he sneered at
+"a whimsical caricaturist lecturing his contemporaries," and in his
+references to me was about as offensive as he could be.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 498px;">
+<img src="images/img206.jpg" width="498" height="600" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">G. A. SALA.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>The second stage was my letter to the Editor of the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>.
+That paper not printing it, I sent it, with a note, to the Editor of the
+<i>Pall Mall Gazette</i>, who gave both letters a prominent position:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;Can you find space for the publication of the following
+letter which I addressed to the <i>Daily Telegraph</i> in answer to
+their leader in last Friday's issue, as the insignificant
+paragraph, 'Greek Portraits,' which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> alone the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>
+inserted, in no way states the facts of the case?"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;The writer of the leader in your issue of last Friday is
+guilty of the very fault of which he accuses me. He charges me with
+not acquainting myself with the subject I treated of in my lecture;
+he has manifestly not troubled to acquaint himself with that
+lecture. The ignorance&mdash;at any rate, the omissions&mdash;that he lays to
+my door do not exist. Did he expect me in the course of a short
+hour's lecture to a general audience&mdash;which was certainly not
+prepared for any history or technicalities&mdash;to bring forward in my
+opening sentences the whole story of the rise and development of
+Greek portraiture? The principal omission of which he complains is
+the legend of the daughter of Dibutades&mdash;calling it an omission
+because, forsooth, he did not read it in the <i>Times</i> report! But,
+in point of fact, not only did I give the story at length, but I
+reproduced on the screen Mortimer's well-known picture of the
+incident. Surely it is not too much to ask, even for a caricaturist
+to ask&mdash;for such he somewhat scornfully terms me&mdash;that when so
+powerful a personality as a leader writer levels his pen against an
+individual, however humble, he should not depend upon the report of
+another newspaper, the exigencies of whose space naturally prevent,
+it may be assumed, the devotion of more than a column verbatim
+report to any utterances of a 'mere caricaturist.' But, frankly,
+does the nature of my own occupation in the arts preclude me from
+pronouncing a correct judgment on portraits and portraiture? For
+that, after all, is the burden of your article. Is not an opinion,
+if correct, as good coming from a bootblack as from a Royal
+Academician? If so, I submit that mine, if worthy of discussion at
+all, might at least be ascertained and be considered with respect.
+If not, then I bring the lecture of Professor Herkomer, A.R.A.,
+published on the very same day as your article, to witness that my
+judgment was a fair one. By a curious coincidence, he lectured at
+Leeds on the self-same subject within twenty-four hours of the
+delivery of my own little lecture; he travelled over much the same
+ground; brought forward in some instances the very same examples as
+I, and deduced very much the same conclusions."</p></div>
+
+<p>I happened to call in at the Garrick Club on my way to the <i>Punch</i>
+dinner, and there found a copy of the <i>Daily Telegraph</i> containing the
+leader, on the margin of which was written with the familiar purple ink,
+in Lewis Wingfield's handwriting, "G.A.S. on Hy. F." Wingfield was
+Sala's neighbour and friend, so this settled any doubt I had about the
+authorship of the article I have just referred to. When I showed it to
+du Maurier, who sat next to me at dinner, he said, "I say, old chap,
+I'll tell you a capital story about Sala which you might use.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> When he
+was an art student, he tried to get into the Art Schools of the Royal
+Academy, and for that purpose had to draw the usual head, hand, and
+foot. When the Examiners counted the toes on the foot Sala had drawn,
+they found six, so Sala didn't get in, don't you know!" Now, as other
+journalists had quoted Sala against me, and a Nottingham paper attacked
+me in a long and rather vulgar and offensive leader, I, finding myself
+shortly afterwards the guest of the Literary Club in Nottingham, seized
+the opportunity to reply. I regretted&mdash;though I supposed it was
+flattering to me&mdash;to find that quite recently, although I had been
+treated for many years with the greatest kindness in the Press, I had
+been rather attacked. "I was proud," I said, "to find that the first
+person to attack me in the Press was the greatest journalist the Press
+possessed&mdash;Mr. George Augustus Sala." What I really said after this I
+print side by side with what I was reported to have said:</p>
+
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="1" width="70%" cellspacing="0" summary="What I Said">
+
+<tr>
+<th align="center">"<span class="smcap">What I Said</span>.</th>
+<td>&nbsp;</td>
+<th align="center">"<span class="smcap">How I was Reported</span>.</th>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td style="width: 47%;">"I have not the pleasure of Mr. Sala's personal acquaintance, but no one
+     has a greater admiration than I have for that great man in literature.
+     Mr. Sala began life as an artist; not only so, but he began in that walk
+     of art which I pursue, like another great man of the pen had done before
+     him, for, of course, you all know the story of Thackeray going to
+     Dickens and offering to illustrate his books. Dickens declined
+     Thackeray's offer, and it is generally believed that that refusal so
+     annoyed Thackeray that he became a writer and a rival to Dickens. It was
+     a very good thing for him and for literature that Dickens gave him the
+     refusal he did. Now, Mr. Sala, as I said, also began life as an artist,
+     and I am informed that when an applicant for the Royal Academy he had to
+     send in for examination the usual chalk drawings of a head, a hand, and
+     a foot. The Examiners, however, discovered that Sala had drawn six toes
+     on the foot. He was rejected, and no doubt this caused him, like
+     Thackeray, to forsake the pencil for the pen, and he is now Art Critic
+     of the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>.<br />
+"In 1851 Mr. Sala painted the pictures upon the walls of an eating
+     saloon, and that probably had given him the taste for cooking which he
+     had evinced ever since."</td>
+<td style="width: 10%;">&nbsp;</td>
+<td style="width: 43%;">"He (Mr. Furniss) had not the pleasure of Mr. Sala's personal
+     acquaintance, but no one had a greater admiration for him than he had as
+     being a great man in literature. Mr. Sala began life as an artist, and
+     not only so, but he began in that walk of life which he (Mr. Furniss)
+     pursued. He went to Dickens, and wanted to illustrate his books, but
+     Dickens would not have the sketches; afterwards Mr. Sala went into
+     literature, and it was a very good thing for him and for literature that
+     Dickens gave him the refusal that he did. (Hear, hear.)<br />"Mr. Sala began not only as an artist, but as a caricaturist, and he had
+     to send into the Academy Schools three 'short drawings,' as they were
+     called, of a head, a hand, and a foot. Unfortunately for Mr. Sala, he
+     had six toes upon the foot he drew, and the Examiner, having counted
+     these toes, pointed the matter out to Mr. Sala, who did not get into the
+     Academy Schools, so now he was the Art Critic of the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>.
+     In 1851, Mr. Sala painted the pictures upon the walls of an eating
+     saloon, and that probably had given him the taste for cooking which he
+     had evinced ever since."</td>
+</tr>
+
+</table></div>
+
+<p>The reporter had evidently trusted to his memory, and not to shorthand
+notes&mdash;thus the blunder. I pointed it out, and at once corrected it in a
+letter printed in the same paper a day or so afterwards. My object in
+all sincerity was to have a joke&mdash;du Maurier's joke&mdash;at Sala's expense,
+but in leading up to it my very complimentary and perfectly accurate
+parallel illustration of Thackeray was unfortunately, by the reporter's
+carelessness, attributed to Sala!</p>
+
+<p><a name="ART_ROOM" id="ART_ROOM"></a></p>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 190px;">
+<img src="images/img210.jpg" width="190" height="380" alt="" title="ART CRITIC OF THE DAILY TELEGRAPH." />
+</div>
+
+<p>This correction was entirely lost sight of by the Press, and I was
+accused by papers all over the country of having falsely accused him of
+offering to illustrate Dickens. Papers printed apologies to Sala, and in
+some cases paid Sala's solicitor money to avoid actions-at-law. I then
+heard that he was going for me. I found a letter from Burnand to that
+effect the evening I returned from a lecturing tour. Strange to say,
+that night Sala and I were both guests of a Medical Society's dinner at
+the Holborn Restaurant. Both had to make speeches. I spoke before Sala,
+and referred to a misquotation from a speech I had made in the country,
+and purposely then and there made the <i>amende honorable</i>, of which he at
+least understood the meaning. He ignored this altogether, and I now
+merely mention the incident to show that he was vindictive from the very
+first. He would not listen to reason. Sir George Lewis, Mr. Labouchere,
+Mr. Burnand, and other mutual friends failed: Sala remained obdurate. It
+was freely reported after the verdict<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> was given that the plaintiff
+never had any desire to make money out of me, and had specially
+instructed his counsel not to ask for damages! As a matter of fact, when
+our mutual friends implored Sala not to proceed with such a trivial and
+ridiculous action, he admitted that he wanted money, and in conversation
+with Sir George Lewis&mdash;who all through acted as my good friend, and
+Sala's too, doing all in his power (which is great) to induce Sala to
+accept my necessary <i>amende</i>,&mdash;Sala declined. He had already pocketed
+several amounts from papers publishing the Nottingham paper's fanciful
+report, and said to Sir George: "When Friswell libelled me, I got &pound;500
+damages; and why should I not be equally successful against Furniss?"
+"Yes," said the astute Sir George, "but you must remember that I got you
+that &pound;500, and now I am on the other side."</p>
+
+
+<p>What I really said, and what I was reported to have said, here I plainly
+show are two very different things. Still, in the words "and now he is
+Art Critic of the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>" there was a germ of libel&mdash;slander
+one must call it, as the words were spoken&mdash;so I was advised to
+withdraw. Sala, however, made this an impossibility, and the silly
+action, fanned into "almost European importance," to quote Lockwood, was
+to be. To make matters worse, just before the</p>
+
+<h4>GREAT SIX TOES TRIAL</h4>
+
+<p>I received a note from du Maurier:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"I am awfully sorry, old chap, but the capital story I told you of
+Sala and the six toes was about another fellow after all!"</p></div>
+
+<p>Although a letter from me was published immediately correcting this
+ridiculous blunder on the part of the reporters, pointing out that what
+I did say was that Mr. Sala was not the only literary man who began life
+as an artist; and that I had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> quoted casually as an instance that
+<i>Thackeray</i> in early life went to Dickens, my correction&mdash;though well
+known to Sala&mdash;was, to my surprise, ignored, and the words <i>I had never
+used</i> were made the point of the whole action!</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 280px;">
+<img src="images/img211a.jpg" width="280" height="201" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">COUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFF.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. Kemp, counsel for Sala, rolled them out with unctuousness then
+paused for the Judge to write them down. Mr. Sala, in the witness-box,
+in melodramatic style denied that he had ever taken sketches to Dickens,
+and the jury noted that fact. Yet I had never said he did! and
+furthermore Sala knew I had referred to Thackeray and not to him. Still,
+for some reason I could never understand, Lockwood allowed this to pass,
+and cross-examined Sala, admitting that he had heard the story of
+Thackeray and Dickens&mdash;as to my right as a critic&mdash;but never denied that
+these words attributed to me were absolutely a false report! The next
+point Sala made was that an "offensive caricature" (reproduced by
+permission on this page) was by me! It was Mr. F. C. Gould's. Sala knew
+this; so did Lockwood, but he did not deny it: in fact, when the jury
+considered their verdict, the two points they were clear upon were (1)
+that I said Sala had offered work to Dickens, and had been refused; (2)
+that I was the author of the clever (but in Sala's opinion most
+offensive) caricature of himself and me.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>I prompted Lockwood in Court, but he told me that he would not bother
+about facts, or call me, or deny anything&mdash;he took<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> the line that the
+whole thing was too absurd for serious consideration, and that he would
+"laugh it out of Court."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/img211b.jpg" width="400" height="314" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. F. C. GOULD&#39;S SKETCH IN<br />THE <i>WESTMINSTER</i>, WHICH SALA
+MAINTAINED WAS MINE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>One report says that "Mr. Lockwood handled Mr. Sala very gently in
+cross-examination, and got from him an explosive declaration that Mr.
+Furniss's statements represented him as an ignorant and impudent
+pretender. 'Don't be angry with me, Mr. Sala.'"</p>
+
+<p>But the Judge was angry with dear, good, kind Frank Lockwood, and
+scotched his humour, and refused to allow him to "laugh it out of
+Court." It annoyed him, and he summed up dead against me. Lockwood could
+only squeeze one joke out of the whole thing.</p>
+
+<p>Sala in cross-examination said to Lockwood in a bombastic, inflated,
+Adelphi-drama style:</p>
+
+<p>"That was not my greatest artistic work. Perhaps my greatest was an
+engraving of the funeral of the Duke of Wellington. It was from my
+original drawings. I engraved it on a steel plate, and it contained many
+thousand figures."</p>
+
+<p>Lockwood: "All, I suppose, had the proper number of toes?" (Laughter.)</p>
+
+<p>"They had boots on." (Continued laughter.)</p>
+
+<p>Sala got five pounds for the Judge's want of humour, not for mine.</p>
+
+<p>Having no chance of making my little joke in Court, I took my revenge by
+accepting a commission to report and illustrate my own trial for the
+<i>Daily Graphic</i>, and the following&mdash;the only authentic account of the
+Great Six Toes Trial&mdash;appeared the following morning:</p>
+
+<p>"It was unfortunate that the Royal Academicians were all busy varnishing
+their pictures for the forthcoming exhibition at Burlington House when
+the Great Sala-Furniss Libel Case was heard on Friday last, and that in
+their absence you have had to apply to me (the defendant) for sketches
+of the scene in Court. What a chance Mr. Calderon has missed for a
+companion picture to the one he is painting of another great legal
+battle&mdash;the Parnell Commission! A picture in next year's Royal Academy
+of the trial between two art critics is surely worthy to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span> handed down
+to posterity, say, in the Council Room of the Royal Academy.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 281px;">
+<img src="images/img213a.jpg" width="281" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">DEFENDANT.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"That the subject is not a picturesque one, I admit, but I can offer the
+painter an historical incident connected with it that should recommend
+itself. We all know that Sir Francis Drake playing at bowls when the
+Spanish Armada was sighted is a favourite theme with artists. In this
+case, although there is nothing Spanish about it, there is a parallel
+incident. I was, like Drake, by the sad sea waves, not playing at bowls,
+but sketching a common, or garden, donkey, when a telegram arrived from
+London to say that the great trial was in sight, and my presence was
+demanded at the Royal Courts of Justice (Court 3) at eleven o'clock the
+following morning. Let it be recorded that my nerve was equal to the
+great Admiral's&mdash;I finished the drawing of that donkey.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 250px;">
+<img src="images/img213b.jpg" width="250" height="198" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MY HAT.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"The morning was a gloomy one, and no doubt the weather had something to
+do with the solemn tone of the proceedings. A collection of briefless
+barristers, irritated jurymen, and wet umbrellas in dark corridors is
+not enlivening; and when you arrive, to find the Court crowded, and you
+happen to be, like me, considerably under the medium height, and rather
+broad in proportion, it is difficult to come up at all, much less
+smiling, to the feet of justice. Here is a subject for a <i>Punch</i> puzzle.
+The defendant&mdash;how is he to get into Court? It is a mystery to me how I
+managed to squeeze myself through. I stuck to my hat, and my hat pulled
+me through (alas, a new one!). The hat was more rubbed the wrong way by
+the trial than was its wearer; but it is an item in the expense of legal
+warfare that ought not to be forgotten by the taxing master. However, I
+found myself sitting next my consulter and friend, the 'sage of Ely
+Place,' in good time. Although a case is down to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> tried in a
+particular Court, it may be transferred to another Court at a moment's
+notice. This is bewildering to the parties interested and, from what I
+saw, irritating to the legal fraternity. Tomkins <i>v.</i> Snooks is down for
+trial, Court 2. The legal call-boys bustle in the counsel and others
+engaged. Mr. Buzfuz, Q.C., pushes his way into Court, surrounds himself
+with briefs and other documents, when some mysterious harlequin of the
+Law Courts changes Tomkins <i>v.</i> Snooks to Court 4, and calls upon Brown
+<i>v.</i> Jones, who are packed away in Court 3, waiting their turn. Buzfuz
+gets very angry, and bustles off to Court 4. In fact, getting your case
+into Court reminded me forcibly of that amusing toy, so popular then,
+called 'Pigs in Clover'&mdash;wigs in clover, I was nearly writing. I
+apologise at once for the mere thought. We were transferred from one
+Court to another, and our friends sat out a case in the Court advertised
+to try ours, wondering what on earth 'The Prince of Journalists' and I
+had to do with 'chops and tomato sauce.' What followed has been pretty
+fully reported, so I need not dwell upon it. Indeed, I could not live in
+the frightful atmosphere of those Courts, and would gladly pay twice
+five pounds to be allowed to sit on the roof if ever I find myself a
+defendant again.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 289px;">
+<img src="images/img214a.jpg" width="289" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE PLAINTIFF.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;">
+<img src="images/img214b.jpg" width="300" height="282" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE EDITOR OF <i>PUNCH</i><br />SUPPORTS ME.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"According to the reports, 'the plaintiff was supported by his wife, and
+the defendant by the editor of <i>Punch</i>.' The solemn occasion demanded a
+certain amount of gravity, which was particularly difficult for me to
+retain, as my 'supporter,' although fully alive to the tremendous
+bearings of the case and the importance of the issues, failed to hide in
+his expression those 'happy thoughts' that flow ceaselessly through his
+fertile brain. The outward effect was a see-saw antic with his imposing
+eyebrows&mdash;a proof to me that his sense of the ridiculous had got the
+better of his gravity. 'Put on your gloves at once,' he whispered
+impressively to me. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because you may then leave the
+court with clean hands!' (The 'putting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> on the gloves' must not be taken
+in a double sense.) But this is a digression. You merely ask for
+sketches in Court. Well, I send you my recollection of Mr. Kemp, Q.C.,
+trying to be very angry with me; of my 'brother caricaturist' (<i>vide</i>
+reports), Mr. Lockwood, struggling to be very angry with Mr. Kemp, and
+pointing to the defendant, 'That miscreant! (note the effect upon me),
+and the Judge very serious with everybody. As an antidote, I was
+spoiling a beautiful sheet of white blotting-paper by drawing
+recollections of the donkey I was studying in the country when I was
+summoned to town to take my trial. I am anxious to make this public, as
+I now remember that I left that sheet of sketches in the court; and who
+can tell? Some one may yet 'invest those sketches with an almost
+European importance,' and the number of five pounds I shall be called
+upon to dole out all round will be something appalling.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 345px;">
+<img src="images/img215.jpg" width="345" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">SIR F. LOCKWOOD AND MYSELF.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"<i>A propos</i> of this truly great trial, the <i>Observer</i> remarked, in its
+leader upon it, that 'future treatises on the law of libel will, if
+properly and picturesquely indexed, be enriched with this entry, "Art
+critic, statement held to be a libel upon, see Toes." Indeed, the antics
+of the law of libel ought to be written, edited, let me suggest, by Mr.
+George Lewis, and illustrated by the genius of Mr. Frank Lockwood. I
+will supply a footnote."</p>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 155px;">
+<img src="images/img216a.jpg" width="155" height="300" alt="" title="&quot;Six Toes&quot; Signature" />
+</div>
+
+<p>Over this <i>jeu d'esprit</i> on my part Sala waxed very wroth, for besides
+having to pay &pound;80 costs of his own, he brought upon himself columns of
+chaff, of which the following is a fair<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> specimen. "The Prince of
+Journalists," wrote a wag of journalists, "is lamenting that he has
+jumped out of the Furniss into the fire, for of a surety five pounds
+will hardly repay Mr. Sala for the roasting he will receive from his
+good-natured friends." Skits showing six toes were plentiful, jokes in
+burlesque and on the music-hall stage were introduced as a matter of
+course, and private chaff in letters was kept up for some time. One
+private letter I wrote du Maurier, "Sala has no sole for humour&mdash;you
+have made me put my foot in it," and added the Six Toes signature
+sketch. In this no doubt du Maurier found inspiration for Trilby.</p>
+
+
+<p>In the witness-box Mr. Sala took up a curious position with regard to
+that filched and fatal joke. He said that I told that joke because he
+had been invited to distribute the prizes at the Art School at
+Nottingham shortly before, and that I had run down and, like the
+miscreant who sowed tares in his neighbour's wheat, deliberately made
+him look ridiculous. As a matter of fact, I neither knew that Sala had
+distributed the prizes, nor that he had ever put in an appearance at
+Nottingham. Sala in his evidence said, "I have always been well received
+there (Nottingham). The people have always been very kind to me, and
+they expressed surprise at the libel." Nottingham people reading this,
+assured me it was the very reverse of the facts, that Sala was socially
+anything but friendly and most objectionable in his behaviour when
+there; and they invited me to distribute the prizes the following year,
+which I did&mdash;the last<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> stage of all of this strange, eventful joke,
+which ended, as it began, in good-natured laughter.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img216.jpg" width="650" height="238" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE SEQUEL: I DISTRIBUTE THE PRIZES AT NOTTINGHAM.</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+
+<div class="figleft"><img src="images/img217.jpg" style="margin-top: -1.4em;" width="235" height="350" alt="" title="T" /></div>
+<p style="margin-top: 3em;">HE one confession I desire in all seriousness should reach the ears of
+my fellow artists is that my object in attacking the Royal Academy
+("Royal Academy Antics," 1890), was a thoroughly unselfish one. "It was
+published for the sake of those who, for one reason or another, are not
+within the inner circle. I was prompted to call the discriminating
+attention of the public to the evil the Academy works and permits to
+exist," by appeals from artists outside&mdash;heartbroken men and women
+smarting under unfair treatment; I received letters recording cases of
+gross injustice, followed by ruin and poverty&mdash;which made my blood boil.
+The shortcomings of the Academicians had been the subject of criticism
+for many years, yet no improvement resulted. As the <i>Times</i> pathetically
+observed: "At least it should not be taken for granted that improvement
+is impossible till improvement has been attempted. This much has been
+forced upon us by the painful knowledge of the many bitter, often
+heartbreaking, disappointments which cloud the opening of the Royal
+Academy Exhibition, when London looks bright and blooming, and everyone
+and everything around seems so full of life, and so eager and capable of
+enjoyment. It is impossible for those whose office carries them behind
+the scenes, in the midst of the festive and fashionable crowd which
+throngs the stately rooms of the Academy, not to think of the poor
+lodging and the shabby studio, and the easel, the rejected picture, the
+subject of so much labour, the spring of so many hopes, which was
+expected to win bread, if not fame, for the painter." Perfectly true,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span>
+but oh, how pathetic! to those, like myself, "whose office carries them
+behind the scenes." It is pleasant to keep friendly with those Royal
+Academicians and their friends and worshippers&mdash;that "festive and
+fashionable crowd"&mdash;and to be on good terms with the givers of banquets
+and the pets of Society; but I care little for such, for I am neither a
+logrolling journalist nor a Society-seeking artist, and at the risk of
+having my independence mistaken for egotism, I have always expressed my
+opinions openly and freely, quite regardless of, and not caring one jot
+for, those whose friendship I lost in consequence&mdash;no, not even as in
+this case, where the very artists who confessed to me, and who appealed
+to me to attack the Academy, subsequently avoided me, as "it wouldn't
+do, don't you know, to be seen with Furniss, as I am in the running for
+the Academy." This was my dedication.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 340px;">
+<img src="images/img218.jpg" width="340" height="500" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE SEE-SAW ANTIC.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The one object in view was to disabuse the public mind of the erroneous
+impression that the Royal Academy is an unprejudiced official public
+body, that they elect only the best artists, and reject only the
+unworthy&mdash;in fact, that R.A. should be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> considered a hall-mark on work,
+as too many believe it to be, to the detriment of the majority of
+artists. "Most of those artists who write and talk of art may be
+considered prejudiced&mdash;no one can well say that you are. What is the
+Royal Academy to you?" was said to me. I was even encouraged by some of
+the Academicians themselves, who had from time to time fruitlessly
+attempted to introduce reforms; but notwithstanding the efforts of the
+right-minded members of their body, the majority adopt the Fabian policy
+of sitting down and doing nothing, or bury their heads, ostrich-like,
+till the storm of indignation raised by their unworthy selfishness and
+indolence has blown over.</p>
+
+<p>I went thoroughly into the subject. I read Blue-books, criticisms,
+sober, solid reviews, Royal Academicians' confessions and defence. I
+read everything connected with the history of the Royal Academy from
+beginning to end. Then I appeared on the platform and gave lectures on
+Art and Artists and the Royal Academy, which drew forth leading articles
+from the <i>Times</i> and nearly every paper in the land.</p>
+
+<p>In my researches I found that the Royal Academy has been a narrow-minded
+clique from its very initiation. It was procured by the trickery of an
+American (its first President), West, from that "dull lad brought up by
+narrow-minded people," George the Third, described by Thackeray: "Like
+all dull men, the King was all his life suspicious of superior people.
+He did not like ... Reynolds.... He loved mediocrities&mdash;Benjamin West
+was his favourite painter."</p>
+
+<p>
+"A royal patron on the sly secured,<br />
+Which from the first its cheek to shame inured."<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>It was a contemptible pandering to unblushing and self-interested
+sycophancy, involving practically the ruin of all that the best spirits
+in the art world had laboured for since the commencement of the century.
+A society of unmitigated selfishness was thus started, and still
+continues. When everything else around has been reformed, as the country
+has advanced and increased,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> the Royal Academy remains exactly as it was
+when so hurriedly formed one hundred and thirty years ago.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 252px;">
+<img src="images/img220.jpg" width="252" height="350" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE FIRST P.R.A.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>To all this I received endless confirmation, but, alas! the writers did
+not give me permission to publish their names. I have on my desk before
+me as I write this page a letter from the editor of our most artistic
+illustrated weekly: "Allow me to congratulate you; keep pegging away.
+The Royal Academy of Arts (plural) is nonsense; it is, as you say, a
+Royal Academy of oil. If the R.A. had done their duty years ago, we
+would not see such farcical statues in the streets, nor should I (as at
+present moment employed) be writing to Berlin and Vienna for assistance
+in matters where skill and taste are required by art workmen." The
+President of a certain Royal Academy wrote: "I have just read your
+'Royal Academy Antics,' and I must confess that, as far as I can judge,
+many of its strictures are deserved; ... but I can venture to say that
+many of the antiquated mistakes made by the parent Academy have been
+carefully avoided by our governing body."</p>
+
+
+
+<p>From all sorts and conditions of artists and art employers I received
+congratulations. Those from the poor struggling outsiders alone repaid
+me for the trouble I had taken. At that time, only eleven years ago, the
+Royal Academy and other picture shows were in a very different position
+from what they are now. Art is no longer a fashion; proportionately the
+Royal Academy is going down. The glory of Lord Leighton, one of the
+brightest of Society's stars, attracted hosts of fashionable people to
+the gatherings of the Academy, and Sir John Millais, too, was much run
+after by the fashionable crowd. Now that these are gone, the Academy has
+lost all interest in smart Society. "Academy Antics up to Date" would
+not have any sale, "An Artistic Joke" in Bond Street would not have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> any
+visitors. I fought for the weak when they were crushed by the strong.
+Now that "My Lady Oil" is feeble and powerless, I desist.</p>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 450px;">
+<img src="images/img221.jpg" width="450" height="315" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">NO WATER-COLOUR OR BLACK-AND-WHITE NEED APPLY.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"The Royal Academy has been the subject of many bitter attacks," wrote
+the editor of the <i>Magazine of Art</i>, "during the last hundred
+years&mdash;attacks which, directed against unjust or antiquated rules, have
+usually been well founded. But never, perhaps, has so effective a charge
+been made as that which Mr. Furniss brings in his entertaining volume;
+and if it be true that ridicule will pierce there whence the shafts of
+indignation will rebound, no little good may be looked for from the
+publication."</p>
+
+
+<p>Precisely so. Others, serious and influential, had exposed the R.A.; I
+tried what ridicule would do. But the public did not take me seriously,
+and the Press took me too seriously; and as the public does not buy
+books on art, but is content with a <i>r&eacute;chauff&eacute;</i>, my object to a certain
+extent was defeated.</p>
+
+<p>My Lady Oil of Burlington House is a very selfish creature; she
+persistently refuses to recognise her twin-sister Water Colour, giving
+her but one miserable room in her mansion, and no share whatever in her
+honours. My Lady Oil is selfish; My Lady Oil is unjust to favour
+engravers and architects, and to ignore painters in water-colours and
+artists in black-and-white. She showers honours on her adopted sisters,
+Engraving and Architecture, because the former mechanically reproduces
+her work, and the latter builds her pretty toy-houses for her children
+to live in.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>This is really altogether absurd when you reflect that it is in
+water-colour that English art excels, and that the copyist, the
+engraver's occupation will soon be gone, beaten away by slightly more
+mechanical, but more effective, modes of reproduction.</p>
+
+<p>Sooner or later John Bull will open his inartistic eyes, and see that
+mediocrity in oil is not equal to excellence in water, and that those
+who originate with the pencil are far before copyists with the graver
+and drawers of plans.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/img222.jpg" width="400" height="301" alt="" title="I then advocated a National Academy" />
+</div>
+
+<p>I then advocated a National Academy, a Commonwealth of Art, presided
+over by a State Minister of Fine Art, in which mediocrity will find no
+space till a welcome and a place have been given to all earnest work,
+regardless of its nature.</p>
+
+<p>Where the number of works of any one man will be limited, and where
+there will be no such mockery of good work as "rejection for want of
+space."</p>
+
+<p>Where all the fine arts, and especially the national fine art
+(water-colour paintings), shall be recognised as arts, and the best of
+the professors of them shall at least be eligible for election.</p>
+
+<p>Where the committee of selection and hanging shall be&mdash;as in the
+Salon&mdash;elected by the body of exhibitors.</p>
+
+<p>Where reasonable time shall be given to the proper consideration of
+every work sent in.</p>
+
+<p>Where the women, in the rare event of their being equal to their brother
+brushes, shall be elected into the magic circle.</p>
+
+<p>Very few of the great public who find the splendid Tate Gallery "a thing
+of beauty and a joy for ever," recollect the disgraceful treatment the
+donor of it received at the hands of the Government and others. The way
+in which Mr.&mdash;afterwards Sir&mdash;Henry Tate was "held up to derision and
+contempt by a handful of irresponsible cranks" was a public scandal. Mr.
+Tate, in consequence, temporarily withdrew his princely<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> offer of
+&pound;150,000 to the nation. All his friends, and they were legion, deeply
+sympathised with him. I, being one of the few who were asked by Mr. Tate
+to meet at his house and consider the form of the "British Luxembourg"
+before the offer was made public at all, took upon myself to write to
+the <i>Times</i> as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Red-tapeism has triumphed, and all your art-loving readers are
+disgusted, but not altogether surprised, to find this morning that
+Mr. Henry Tate has retired from the scene with his princely offer
+of &pound;80,000 and his magnificent collection of pictures, which was to
+form the nucleus of the proposed gallery of British art. It is a
+bitter disappointment to the munificent Mr. Tate, and a warning to
+others who, like him, come forward with their purse and their
+pictures and offer them to an unartistic nation. It is bad enough
+to find that a splendid gift like this cannot be accepted; but even
+worse features in this lengthy controversy have been the gross
+personal attacks and ungenerous insinuations made against the
+would-be donor, which must be particularly hurtful to his modest
+and unobtrusive nature, and I now write to suggest that all those
+who sympathise with him (and surely their name is legion) should
+show him some public mark of their appreciation. To the British
+mind this at once suggests a banquet, and I would most willingly
+undertake all the arrangements in connection with it if my present
+state of health did not preclude my doing so; but, without a doubt,
+among Mr. Tate's countless admirers there must be many eager to
+adopt and carry out this suggestion."</p></div>
+
+<p>Of course I was chaffed in the Press for so "characteristically, though
+gravely," suggesting such a thing. My object in making the proposal was
+misunderstood. I was accused of putting the crowning absurdity on the
+whole thing, of making a cheaply canonised martyr of Mr. Tate, and some
+ungenerously hinted I was following up my joke of my "offer to the
+nation" by another. In fact, for the first time in the history of
+England, a public man was not to have a public dinner when there
+happened to be a matter of public importance to celebrate and ventilate!
+On the other hand, I received a letter from Mr. Tate, from Bournemouth,
+the day my letter in the <i>Times</i> appeared, in which he thanked me for my
+warm hearted letter in the <i>Times</i>, but begged of me not to press my
+proposal in his honour. "As you say, I am a modest man, and it would be
+more than I could stand. What I <i>should like</i> would be to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> see the
+artists calling a public meeting and protesting against the way in which
+British art has been shelved." In the same letter he assured me "that
+too much could not be said in condemnation of Sir Frederick Leighton's
+and the Academicians' supineness." In writing to thank me for dropping
+the proposed banquet, he again referred to his great surprise and
+disappointment that neither Sir Frederick Leighton nor any one of the
+Academicians had given his scheme any support, and complained that the
+President of the Royal Academy had been much more loyal to his friend
+Lord Carlisle "than to the cause of British art."</p>
+
+
+<h4>THE OLD BAILEY.</h4>
+
+<p>In the winter of 1885 the following paragraph ran through the Press:&mdash;"A
+statement has been circulated from a quarter that may be taken as well
+informed, that the City Lands Committee of the Corporation of London
+have perfected plans for the improvement of the Central Criminal Court.
+It is not improbable that the process of reform has been accelerated by
+a recent letter to the public Press of Mr. Harry Furniss, the well-known
+comic artist, who, having been summoned as a juryman, suffered many woes
+while waiting to be called into the box." As the <i>Saturday Review</i>
+remarked, the bitter cry of the outcast juror which I uttered is
+familiar enough to the public ear, but I had given it a more penetrating
+note than usual; but it did not hesitate to say that it would not
+produce any more effect upon those whom I sought to influence "than the
+less articulate, or even than the absolutely inarticulate, protests of
+many generations of his fellow-sufferers." And the <i>Saturday Review</i> was
+right, for fifteen winters have passed since I wrote my protest to the
+<i>Daily News</i>.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"I cannot help thinking the prisoners at the Old Bailey have every
+reason to congratulate themselves they are brought there as
+prisoners, and not as jurymen. They are well looked after, and have
+a clear way into Court, and plenty of room when they get there.
+These are their advantages; but, alas! the lot of the poor jurymen
+is not such a happy one. For some reasons, which may (or may not)
+exist in the mind of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> summoning officer, I received a demand
+from him to appear and perform a 'super's' part in trial by jury at
+the Old Bailey Petty Sessions. I arrived at the Court punctually at
+the hour requested, and after fighting my way through a mixture of
+other small ratepayers, detectives, bailed prisoners, and
+nondescripts, I came to the first floor. Then I entered a dark
+passage, 'standing room only,' and found it quite impossible to get
+near the Court, the outside of which resembled the entrance to Old
+Drury on Boxing Night. 'There ain't no room; just stand outside
+there!' where I managed to keep my temper and my feet for a
+considerable time. By degrees I squeezed into the Court with my hat
+and temper ruffled. I arrived at barrier No. 1. 'Have I been
+called?' 'Name?' 'Yes, yer 'ave, long ago; fined five pounds for
+not answering to your name'; explanation. Shoved on to barrier No.
+2; explanation repeated. Shoved on to barrier No. 3; explanation
+repeated again, and reached barrier No. 4. The Judge: 'Swear'; and
+I swore. Final explanation; fine taken off. I have an excuse.
+'Stand down!' Here I remain for an hour and a half in a pen,
+huddled up with more 'Hexcuses,' as Mr. Husher calls us, some of
+whom, by their own statement, came from houses in which there were
+infectious diseases. Imagine how nice this would be with the
+jury-box full! I must admit the presiding Judge performed his task
+of selection with discretion, particularly when he let me off. But
+I observe that before the Judge there is a bouquet of flowers. I am
+told that this is the survival of an old custom of placing hyssop
+before the Bench by way of febrifuge to protect him from
+pestilential vapours from the dock. I would like to suggest that a
+bunch of hyssop be again substituted for the bouquet of flowers. In
+justice, I ask you this: Is it reasonable to fine an over-taxed
+ratepayer five pounds for not having heard his name through a musty
+brick wall? And may I through you make a proposal&mdash;that busy
+professional men should be exempt from this annoyance on payment of
+one guinea per annum, and that this fund should either be employed
+in building a new court, or provide fees for a really competent
+jury of junior barristers, who undoubtedly would be the right men
+in the right place?"</p></div>
+
+<p>My "cry" was taken up by the Press. "Purgatory is no name for it," "The
+Old Bailey Scandal," and other startling headlines failed to move
+Bumbledom. The most celebrated Criminal Court in the world, situated in
+the richest city, to this day remains a public scandal and a purgatory
+to unfortunate jurymen. My suggestion in this "amusing jeremiad," as it
+was called by one paper, contained one serious proposal; but my protest
+against the only form of conscription known to our laws, and my
+suggestion that the jury should be paid junior barristers,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> was, I
+confess, the only humorous idea I had in writing the letter! The major
+portion was serious&mdash;so again I have been a victim to the want of humour
+on the part of my journalistic friends.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img226.jpg" width="600" height="481" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT.<br /><i>From "Punch."</i></span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p>Mr. <i>Punch</i> appeared as my "champion stout and warm" in a series of
+verses, a few of which I quote:</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"That citizen is now in Court, a dismal den and dusty;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Frowsy and foul its fittings be, its atmosphere is fusty;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And oh, its minor myrmidons are proud and passing crusty!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"They chivy him, that citizen, hustle him here and there;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One elbow looseth his trim tie, one rumpleth his back hair:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They greet his queries with a grunt, his grumblings with a stare.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"A close-packed crowd doth hem him round, a tight, malodorous 'block'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of fustian men and women gross, of dry and dusty lock;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His 'By your leaves' they heed no whit, his struggles wild they mock.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"He may not stir, he cannot see. At length, in tones of blame,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He hears them toss from lip to lip his own much-honoured name:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'What! Fined for absence!!! That be blowed!' He swells with wrath and shame.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"And through the throng he madly thrusts, like Viking, through the press<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Strewing his path with buttons burst and fragments of his dress,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Claiming reversal of that fine with dearly-bought success.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 25%; Margin-left: 10em; Margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em;" />
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"How long, oh British citizens, will ye in patience bide<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The torture of the Jury-box remorselessly applied,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Usher's haughty insolence, the Bobby's baleful pride?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"How long shall the 'twelve honest men,' our constitution's end,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Be treated worse than criminals, their time and money lend,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Long hours of thankless horror in their country's cause to spend?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<i>Punch</i> riseth in indignant wrath, your champion stout and warm:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis time that Somebody should take this old abuse by storm,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And sweep out the Old Bailey with the besom of Reform."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 263px;">
+<img src="images/img227.jpg" width="263" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THANK YO-O-U!</span>
+</div>
+
+<p style="margin-top: 3em;">I have to confess that letters to the Press have, as a rule, little
+effect in reforming; in fact, my only direct success was caused by an
+illustrated letter to <i>Punch</i>. The tent-jobbers were evicted, and the
+pleasant and not altogether picturesque pavilion for cricketers, in the
+centre of Regent's Park, was erected in consequence of this letter of
+mine to <i>Punch</i>:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">Dear Mr.</span> <i>Punch</i>,&mdash;I have discovered a nasty spot in one of the
+lungs of London. As you are the Doctor to cure all evils, I trust
+you will take up the case.</p>
+
+<p>"I re-visited the neighbourhood of dear old Regent's Park last
+week. I strolled through the Zoo to renew the acquaintance of all
+my friends there, deserted in the 'Out of Town' season, and longing
+in vain, alas! for their day in the country. It was early; the Park
+was deserted, except by the birds, and here and there laughing<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span>
+children with their nurses. Everything was pleasant, so fresh and
+green, and free and easy, unlike the West End 'lungs.'</p>
+
+<p>"I sat myself down on a bench. Shut out from the madding crowd, one
+could breathe in comfort. I recalled Locker's lines in praise of
+Piccadilly&mdash;that crowded thoroughfare, dusty and noisy&mdash;and while
+trying to fit them in to suit the beautiful scene around me, I
+nodded, and fell asleep.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 45%;' />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img228.jpg" width="600" height="528" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">REGENT&#39;S PARK AS IT WAS.<br />
+<i>From "Punch."</i> A ROUGH
+SKETCH ON WOOD.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Bang! I'm awake! What's that? A cannon-ball hit me in the back?
+I'm all of a heap on the grass, my hat one way, my umbrella
+another&mdash;and I nowhere! or, where am I? Dear me, am I dreaming?
+Have I been carried by a shot? (Volunteers do practise in the
+Park.) Was it a suburban race-meeting? Yes, it must be, and one of
+a low order. And yet this is surely Regent's Park!</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p>"'Thank you, sir!'&mdash;'Thank y-o-o-u!'&mdash;'Th-a-n-k y-o-o-o-u!'"</p>
+
+<p>I pick myself up. <i>Is</i> it the monkeys' half-holiday? Yes! They are
+imitating boys playing cricket. Their cages are close at hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Bang! Another blow!! This time I receive the enemy's blow&mdash;as an
+Englishman should&mdash;in front. It brings me up standing&mdash;I see it
+all! The monkeys are boys; the cages are practising nets; and the
+balls come off the bats! A nurse in charge of five children is
+under fire&mdash;in terror that some of her little ones may be hit and
+killed&mdash;and it is a wonder they are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> not. I gallantly cover her
+retreat, for no park-keeper is to be seen. Then I turned my
+attention to what I thought&mdash;when half-dazed, but not altogether
+wrong&mdash;was a corner of a low race-meeting, or gipsy encampment.
+Here is a sketch, sir, made on the spot. It certainly was like
+both&mdash;dirty unfinished tents, casks, rubbish and rags, something
+boiling, and some people brawling, the grass all worn, and the walk
+cut up! An eyesore, a disgrace, sir!</p>
+
+<p>"A somewhat artistically-built kiosk stands a hundred yards or so
+away. If the mass of cricketers want another, by all means let them
+have it, and drive the unsightly tent-jobbers out of the Park.</p>
+
+<p>"If this sort of thing is allowed by officials in charge, then,
+sir, I venture to think the sketch heading this letter, 'What it
+will come to,' will be an actual illustration of fact.</p>
+
+<p class="center">"Yours truly,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 8em;">"<span class="smcap">Sturmie Stumps.</span>"</span></p></div>
+
+<p>Unfortunately my more recent attack on "Lord's," and my letters and
+articles on various other public matters, have not met with the same
+success. Even domestic annoyances have been ventilated by me, and I
+fondly hope have had some effect.</p>
+
+<p><i>A propos</i> of the foregoing, I may here make full confession of how</p>
+
+
+<h4>I FOUND A SNAKE IN REGENT'S PARK.</h4>
+
+<p>The following incident may prove interesting to the public in general
+and naturalists in particular:</p>
+
+<p>While taking an early walk in Regent's Park on Saturday, June 12th,
+1894, I captured, not the proverbial worm, but a specimen of a rare
+species of snake, which was indulging in a constitutional on one of the
+broad paths. "What a gigantic worm!" was my first thought, but on my
+using my stick to arrest its further progress it rose in the orthodox
+snake-like fashion at my cane, throwing itself into an attitude of
+defence and hissing with anger. The park-keeper, park-labourers who were
+mowing the grass close by, and divers members of the British public,
+from the piscatorial street arab with his minnow-ensnaring thread and
+bent pin to the portly merchant wending Citywards, were soon on the
+spot, and really that diminutive reptile caused more consternation than
+would have been the case had it been instead an Anarchist bomb. I sent
+over to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> cricket pavilion for a tin canister wherein to cage <i>pro
+tem.</i> the wily stranger, and excitement waxed high as preparations were
+made to accomplish the fearsome feat. This was safely managed by the aid
+of a newspaper, which naturally enough, considering the events of the
+week, proved to be of a sporting character, and the viper, probably
+anxious as to the result of the Oaks, glided to the column containing
+that news, whence it was expeditiously shaken into the canister, which I
+perforated at the top, and walked off with my tinned snake to the
+Zoological Gardens hard by, where its roaming propensities were kept in
+check within the walls of the reptile house.</p>
+
+<p>I was somewhat startled to learn that my captive had not escaped from
+the Gardens, which did not contain one of its species, and Mr. Bartlett
+gave it as his opinion that there must have been a number more wherever
+this one came from. This new danger further enhanced the charms of
+Regent's Park, which on Saturdays is a perfect pandemonium, the
+pedestrian having to exert a great deal of agility to dodge the whizzing
+cricket balls and avoid being maimed for life. Now that we have had
+snakes in the grass we may expect vultures in the air, and who knows
+that in time to come we may not be shooting big game in the jungles of
+the north-west!</p>
+
+<p>The above is the substance of a letter I wrote to the <i>Times</i>, the
+publication of which caused no little consternation in some papers and
+no little chaff, at my expense, in others. The London evening papers
+appeared with startling contents bills and sensational headings:</p>
+
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" width="65%" cellspacing="0" summary="LIKA-JOKO">
+<tr><th align='center' colspan="3">"<i>LIKA-JOKO, THE SERPENT HUNTER</i>."</th></tr>
+<tr><th align='center' colspan="3">"SNAKES IN REGENTS PARK!"</th></tr>
+<tr><th align='left'>"THE TALE OF THE SERPENT,"</th><th>&nbsp;</th><th align='right'>"SNAKES ALIVE!" &amp;c.</th></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<p>The <i>Westminster Gazette</i>, "In the hope of gleaning some valuable
+information about this newly-discovered fearful reptile which lies in
+wait for wayfarers in the wilds of Northern London," sent a
+representative post-haste to interview Mr.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span> Bartlett, the superintendent
+of the Zoological Gardens. This report in the <i>Westminster</i> is headed:</p>
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<p>
+"He thought he saw an elephant<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Upon the mantelpiece;</span><br />
+He looked again, and found it was<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">His sister's husband's niece,"</span><br />
+</p></div>
+
+<p>and then proceeds to throw doubt upon my veracity.</p>
+
+
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+<p><br /></p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 174px;">
+<img src="images/img231.jpg" width="174" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE LATE MR. BARTLETT.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Mr. Harry Furniss has been suffering from a delusion very similar
+to that of the subject of Mr. Lewis Carroll's nonsense-verse. Mr.
+Bartlett is a man of few words, though what he does say is both
+interesting and humorous. Without replying"&mdash;(the <i>Westminster</i>
+representative required him to tell him all he knew about my
+snake)&mdash;"he took up his pen and, on the back of a visiting-card
+which lay before him, he drew a circle as large as the card would
+hold, the ends of which did not quite meet. 'There,' he said, 'that
+is about the actual size of Mr. Harry Furniss's snake. You see its
+size is not alarming, and its nature is not venomous. In fact, it
+is absolutely harmless.'</p>
+
+<p>"'But it is of rare variety, is it not?'</p>
+
+<p>"'The variety is not common, certainly, though I have known it for
+the last eighteen or twenty years. It is known as the small crowned
+snake (<i>Coronella l&aelig;vis</i>), and is occasionally found in Hampshire
+and in one or two other counties. The first specimen I had was
+brought to me from Hampshire by a friend of mine, a young officer.
+As he pulled it out of his hand-bag in this room I saw it biting at
+his fingers. I thought it was a viper; but, of course, on examining
+it I soon saw what it really was. It has no fangs, and it is, as I
+said, quite harmless. At its full size it may measure from fourteen
+to sixteen inches. As for its rarity, here is a fairly long list of
+the specimens we have had, and we have several at present. But come
+along to the reptile house and see it for yourself.'</p>
+
+<p>"Arrived, at the reptile house, Mr. Bartlett called the keeper, and
+in solemn tones and with a grave countenance requested him to 'show
+this gentleman Mr. Harry Furniss's serpent.' The man looked puzzled
+for a moment, and then gradually a broad grin spread over his face
+as he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> replied: 'Oh, yes, sir, if I can find it, but I am not sure
+about that,' However, he removed the lid from a glass case
+containing several lively little creatures just about as large as a
+fresh-water eel at the age at which it is known to the small boy
+who tries to catch it in his hands as the 'darning needle.' After
+groping about in the sand at the bottom of the case he found the
+specimen required and handed it over to Mr. Bartlett, who held it
+in his hand and allowed it to make savage darts at his fingers.
+'You see,' he said, it is a lively little thing&mdash;extremely
+spiteful, but quite powerless to hurt me.' After it had been put
+back and carefully secured, lest it should make another descent
+upon London, Mr. Bartlett gave his theories as to how it might have
+got into Regent's Park. 'There are two ways in which it might have
+come here,' he explained. 'I imagine it has been brought in some of
+the plants or shrubs which have been provided for the Park
+gardeners; or else somebody may have brought a female with young
+ones from the country and carelessly allowed this one to escape.
+But stray animals like this are almost sure to come to us sooner or
+later. Whenever people find anything unusual, they think it must be
+an escaped specimen and forward it here. Why, when the great
+explosion on the canal occurred in 1874, the glass in our aviaries
+was shattered. Of course a great number of our birds escaped, but
+it was in November, and most of them were glad enough to return to
+the warmth and to the food provided for them. But people were
+continually sending us birds for a long time, and, in fact, more
+birds were sent here than had actually escaped.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Then, as a last question, Mr. Bartlett, what does the fuss which
+has been made about this snake mean?'</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Bartlett looked more solemn than ever as he suggested: 'Well,
+Mr. Harry Furniss is fond of a joke&mdash;Lika-Joko is a capital name
+for him; he may have been serious, or he may not."</p></div>
+
+<p>I was serious, and so was dear old Mr. Bartlett, whom it was my
+privilege to know well, but he did not let the representative of the
+<i>Westminster</i> see this.</p>
+
+<p>I replied to the above article:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"On reading your descriptive interview with Mr. Bartlett <i>&agrave; propos</i>
+of my finding a reptile in Regent's Park, I was, believe me, far
+more surprised than when I captured the primary cause of your
+representative's journey to the Zoological Gardens. You endeavour
+to sum up the incident and my veracity by quoting the following
+lines of Mr. Lewis Carroll's:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<p>
+"'He thought he saw an Elephant<br />
+Upon the mantelpiece;<br />
+He looked again, and found it was<br />
+His sister's husband's niece,'<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Now it seems to me that another extract from the same work would
+have lent itself better to your requirements:</p>
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<p>
+"'He thought he saw a Rattlesnake<br />
+That questioned him in Greek;<br />
+He looked again, and found it was<br />
+The Middle of Next Week.<br />
+"The one thing I regret," he said,<br />
+"Is that I cannot speak!"'"<br />
+</p></div>
+
+<p>I very much regret that it&mdash;the snake&mdash;cannot speak, for were it
+gifted with articulate power your representative could hold a <i>viva
+voce</i> interview with his snakeship, and therefore become
+enlightened as to the real facts of the case. The reptile might
+also disclose the locality he hails from, as that important point
+is still shrouded in mystery.</p>
+
+<p>"As soon as I had read your article, which deals somewhat
+frivolously with a very serious subject, I went forth to the Zoo in
+quest of Mr. Bartlett, but that gentleman had left town. Perhaps
+the article in question had something to do with his departure. Why
+I sought to see him was to put to him the following questions to
+test the accuracy of your statements:</p>
+
+<p>"1. How comes it that you informed me on Saturday that the snake
+was a foreigner, while according to the <i>Westminster Gazette</i> it is
+English?</p>
+
+<p>"2. Did you not give it to me as your opinion that it must have
+come in fruit? You are now made to say that it must have been
+brought in plants or shrubs, and if that is so, why did the Park
+gardeners declare that they had never seen anything like it before?</p>
+
+<p>"3. Did you not say it was only a week old, and also that where it
+came from there must be a number more?</p>
+
+<p>"4. Did you not emphatically declare that you had no specimen of
+the kind in the Gardens, and was it not for this reason I made you
+a present of this one? How do you reconcile that with the following
+passage in your interview with the representative of the
+<i>Westminster Gazette</i>: 'As for its rarity, here is a fairly long
+list of the specimens we have had, and we have several at present'?
+And did you not give as a reason the reptile could not have strayed
+from the Gardens the very cogent one that you had none of the kind
+in your collection? And may I ask whether you really have any or
+not? For if you have, and the one in question has escaped, what is
+to prevent rattlesnakes and cobras and other venomous specimens
+from escaping also?</p>
+
+<p>"5. If, as you say, you doubted my seriousness, why was the snake
+duly entered in the books of the Zoological Society, from whom I
+received a formal letter of thanks for the presentation?</p>
+
+<p>"6. Would you not rather handle a snake, however dangerous, than
+the special interviewer of a London evening paper?"</p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>This I followed with another letter, which explains the conflicting
+information received at the Zoo:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 474px;">
+<img src="images/img234.jpg" width="474" height="600" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">SKETCH BY MR. F. C. GOULD.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>"Since writing to you it has struck me that probably your
+representative saw Mr. Bartlett senior, whereas I deposited my
+snake into the care of, and received my information from, Mr.
+Bartlett junior (the present superintendent). This may account for
+your representative describing in his article Mr. Bartlett drawing
+a circle the size of my snake on a visiting-card, and that, too,
+without the two ends of the circle coming into conjunction. This is
+so utterly absurd that it is evident Mr. Bartlett could not have
+seen the reptile at the time. The exact measurement of my baby
+serpent is seven and a-half inches in length&mdash;nearly an inch longer
+than the word 'Westminster' at the top of your front page&mdash;and it
+is <i>still growing</i>!"</p></div>
+
+<p>So did the story grow&mdash;in correspondence, in prose, in verse, and in
+picture. Mr. F. C. Gould treated the subject in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> Japanese-Lika-Joka
+spirit, and from quantities of verse I select the following from the
+<i>Sketch</i> as the best:</p>
+
+<h4>
+"<span class="smcap">Picked up near the Zoological Gardens</span>.</h4>
+
+<div class="cpoem1">
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">"'I am the snake of Regent's Park;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I lie in wait for men of mark.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I'd gladly give my latest breath</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To fright a funny man to death.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">So when from ambush I espy</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A comic artist passing by,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">I think there is no joy like this&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To stand upon my tail and hiss.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For it is quite a novel charm</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">To see him start in wild alarm</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">And haste to tell the awful crimes</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Of Horrid Serpents in the <i>Times</i>.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">It used to be a bitter pang</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That I was born without a fang,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">That Nature made me as a toy</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For any silly idle boy.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">But now the humble snake may pass</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">For lurking cobra in the grass,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">While people think that Regent's Park</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Is Kipling Jungle after dark!'"</span><br />
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Several letters appeared. One from a "Harrow School Boy," in the
+<i>Times</i>, was generally accepted at the time as a solution of the
+mystery:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;I keep snakes as pets, and allow them a wriggle on the grass
+every day. Early last week I missed one, a little black chap about
+10 to 11 in. long, and have not seen him since. Perhaps the one Mr.
+Harry Furniss found on Saturday is my lost pet, carried away, not
+by one of the expected vultures, but by a roving Regent's Park
+rook."</p></div>
+
+<p>This soothed some nervous readers' fears; but not all. Another
+correspondent wrote:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The tale of the Regent's Park serpent (<i>Likajokophis
+harryfurnissii</i>), discovered, patented, and greatly improved upon
+by the vivacious caricaturist, appears to be even now not told to
+its bitter sequel; for I am credibly informed at the Zoological
+Gardens that an official of a large hospital in the neighbourhood
+was sent there yesterday to enquire how soon it would be safe for
+the convalescent patients to resume their daily<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> airing in the
+Park, as to the probabilities of further lethal reptilian monsters
+lurking within its fastnesses, etc."</p></div>
+
+<p>The truth of the matter was, several snakes were at the same time found
+in gardens of private houses close to the Zoological Menagerie. "Mr. A.
+B. Edwards" wrote, from an address close to the Zoo, to the <i>Daily
+Telegraph</i>, a few weeks after my finding the cause of all the snake
+sensation:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"This afternoon we were taking tea in our garden when we saw a
+snake 2 ft. long frisking on the lawn close to our feet.
+Fortunately one of our fowls had got loose from the cage, and came
+to pick up the crumbs. When it caught sight of the snake it pounced
+upon it, and a great battle was fought between fowl and serpent.
+After ten minutes' hard fighting, the snake lay dead. Your readers
+may be interested to hear of this, and, being forewarned, they will
+be forearmed against snakes in their gardens."</p></div>
+
+<p>The <i>Westminster Gazette</i>, <i>&agrave; propos</i> of this:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"'Lika-Joko's' snake may now crawl away into its native
+insignificance when it reads of the exploits of its comrade, who
+preferred death to captivity."</p></div>
+
+<p>But my snake did not crawl away; far from it. The man in the reptile
+house, who "looked puzzled" and grinned, and had to grope about the sand
+at the bottom of the case to find the snake for the edification of the
+<i>Westminster Gazette</i> interviewer, did not grin to that purpose for
+long. Never before in the history of the Zoo was the reptile house so
+crowded. Day after day people thronged to see the specimen of <i>Coronella
+l&aelig;vis</i> found on the path in Regent's Park. Not one looked at the two
+splendid specimens of the largest and finest and fiercest snakes bought
+that very week by the Zoological Society, at a cost of three hundred
+pounds. My snake was valued at anything between sixpence and
+eighteenpence, but it brought more money to the turnstiles of the Zoo
+than all the other snakes put together in twenty years.</p>
+
+<p>From an address not half-a-mile from the gates of the Zoological Gardens
+a gentleman wrote to the <i>World</i> about a snake he found in his garden. A
+London and North-Western guard found a boa-constrictor, 22 feet long, in
+his van! "The son of a well-known Member of Parliament" found a huge
+snake in one of the rooms of his father's London house. In<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span> fact,
+snake-finding became an epidemic, and if I had come across any more of
+the ophidian brood, I would have feared the consequences. Alas! the
+British public killed my snake&mdash;as it has killed many another celebrity
+of the hour&mdash;by too much attention and flattery. But how the cause of
+all this excitement got on to the path in the centre of Regent's Park
+remains a mystery. I feel certain myself it had escaped from the
+Zoological Gardens through the drains, and the fact that others were
+discovered in the vicinity of the Park at the same time explains the
+confusion and mild chaff accepted by the <i>Westminster</i> interviewer as a
+complete explanation, forgetting that officialism when criticised is
+much the same all the world over.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 391px;">
+<img src="images/img237a.jpg" width="391" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE LADY AND HER SNAKES.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>"The Harrow School Boy" correspondent&mdash;probably a very old boy&mdash;is not
+alone in his strange choice of pets. A lady who had sent her pet snakes
+to the Zoological Gardens&mdash;not by "The Roving Rook Post," but by the
+usual course of presentation&mdash;happened to visit the Gardens at the time
+that other great attraction was drawing all London, the great Jumbo
+craze. When she arrived to see the elephant of the hour, the crowd was
+so dense around his cage that there was no chance of getting a peep, so
+she marched off to the reptile house and soon returned with one of her
+pets coiled round her neck. She took her stand close to the people
+engaged in struggling to pat the trunk of the Jumbo, feed it with the
+most expensive sweetmeats, decorate it with choice flowers, and weep
+bitter tears over its impending departure. (The public of the present
+day can hardly realise the excitement over this favourite elephant.)
+Struggling at the same time to be prominent in this Jumbo worship,
+however, the head of a snake appearing suddenly over one's shoulder is
+too much for some of us. One after another the visitors vanished as the
+snake thrust its head near them, and soon the ingenious lady had the
+place and Jumbo to herself.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>She was not a professional "snake-charmer," but an eccentric lady of
+private means; her pet was large, but harmless. Strange to say, about
+the same time a company of Japanese "snake-charmers" were causing a
+sensation at a show in the West End of London by their performance with
+snakes of a well-known dangerous species. Some of the reptiles they
+performed with fell sick&mdash;languid and useless for sensational show-work.
+They were despatched to the "Zoo" by the manager to be looked
+after&mdash;possibly the climate affected them. They would not eat anything,
+and were gradually pining away, when it was discovered that their
+poison-fangs had been extracted, and their mouths were sewn up with
+silk. Charming, certainly!</p>
+
+<p>Having lived close to the Zoological Gardens for over twenty years, and
+being a Fellow of the Society, I have spent a great deal of enjoyable
+time rambling about its ever-interesting collection. The "Zoo" is very
+like London itself&mdash;one never exhausts its interest. There is always a
+surprise in store for those even most intimately acquainted with it. One
+suddenly comes across an object of interest that has existed in the
+place for years, but one has not happened to pass at the moment that
+object appears. How many visitors to the "Zoo," for instance, have ever
+seen the beavers at work? To see them, the most interesting animals in
+the collection, one has to go very late or very early. Knowing old Mr.
+Bartlett as I did, I frequently saw interesting events, and heard from
+him interesting tales of the Gardens.</p>
+
+<p>Another letter of mine to the <i>Times</i> took the form of a confession. It
+was what was described in the Press as "a humorous, yet withal pathetic
+complaint" (December, 1895) respecting the irritating inconvenience
+caused by so-called "modern conveniences," which do not always act
+satisfactorily. I had been driven to "let off steam" (which is better
+accomplished through a pen than with a pencil) by my experience in one
+week of the modern inventions which are designed to facilitate business
+and to benefit the public generally, and I still seriously question if
+these wonderful inventions and the extra expense incurred by adopting
+them are not a mistake.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The working of the telephone has become, of course, a farce, and the
+sooner the Government take it up the better. Several large business
+houses have given it up, and in the working of the telephone London,
+which ought to be the most favoured, is probably the most unfortunate
+city of any in the world. I have tried half-a-dozen times in one day to
+ring up different people on the telephone without succeeding in getting
+through, and have had to send notes by hand.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 184px;">
+<img src="images/img239.jpg" width="184" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">DO WOMEN FAIL IN ART? THE CHRYSALIS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The electric light is another disappointing "improvement." It has gone
+out four times in one week, and we had to use candles and lamps.</p>
+
+<p>Then the District Messengers' wire, which I had in communication with my
+house, would not act. I rang up for a cab; no response. I rang up again;
+nothing came. I sent out for a cab, and was late for dinner. The next
+day a representative called casually to inform me that we could not use
+the wire for two or three days, as something had gone wrong.</p>
+
+<p>I then tried the phonograph; but I had more correspondence about it than
+I had through it.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p>A plague on these experiments in the advancement of science intended to
+facilitate our work and add to our comfort! The electric light kills our
+sight; the telephone destroys our temper; the District Messenger call
+ruins our dinner; and, conjointly, they waste our time and deplete our
+purses.</p>
+
+<p>When there was a controversy in the <i>Daily Graphic</i> I wrote in the
+interests of women to make one confession:</p>
+
+<p>Do women fail in art?</p>
+
+<p>Confession&mdash;Certainly not.</p>
+
+<p>In the opinion of many, women fail in nothing, but base man<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> fails in
+appreciating women in art as in everything else where appreciation of
+talent is due. The fashion-plate young lady, with her doll's face, her
+empty head, and her sawdust constitution, monopolises all the attention
+that selfish man can afford to give outside thoughts about his own sweet
+self.</p>
+
+<p>Every year we see some work in the Academy from the easel of a woman
+which is far better than many of the works exhibited by Academicians,
+and although when that selfish body was being formed there were not
+enough men to supply the number of figure-heads required, and two women
+were requisitioned to launch the ship, all the gratitude shown to the
+sex has been years of continued insult. Yet there are certain
+Academicians who paint like women for women, and instead of leaving it
+to women receive all the honour and remuneration; and those having this
+feminine art and spirit behave the worst to those whom they copy. The
+pretty-pretty pictures of conventional coquetries which we have served
+up year after year by the chefs of this pastry of art might be concocted
+by the dainty fingers of the lady artist just as well as, or even better
+than, by the effeminate man who takes her place and robs her of her
+honours. But after all, are not the women themselves to blame? Art, I
+hold, is nowadays purely a commercial affair. Burlington House is simply
+a huge shop, and it is all nonsense to talk for one instant about the
+encouragement it gives to art, or to take seriously the prosy platitudes
+which are poured forth year by year at that picture tradesmen's
+dinner&mdash;the Royal Academy Banquet. Women are not invited&mdash;women,
+forsooth, whose works on the walls have done their share towards
+bringing the shillings to the turnstiles of the Academy. But more
+ridiculous still is the omission of lady patrons of art, for it is well
+known that this feast is given with two objects&mdash;to advertise the coming
+show, merely "chicken and champagne" in theatrical phraseology, and to
+feast Mr. Cr&oelig;sus, who buys the pictures of his host.</p>
+
+<p><a name="BUTTERFLY" id="BUTTERFLY"></a></p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 236px;">
+<img src="images/img241.jpg" width="236" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE BUTTERFLY.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Now, it is the influence of women that makes the majority of men buy
+pictures. Few men buy pictures to please themselves; they buy them to
+please their wives. Why women are not patronised in art is for this
+simple reason, that women would<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> rather patronise the work of a fool, if
+that fool be a man, than the work of a genius, if that genius happen to
+be a woman. I agree with Mrs. Jopling, that "with men success is reached
+with a fair wind and every favour, while with women those only succeed
+who have the power of weathering many storms." Quite true. Grace Darling
+will row out to help some feeble man struggling in the billows of
+incompetency, but she will sit on a rock and see a woman sink before she
+will stretch out a helping hand. If women fail in art, it is because
+women fail to help them, and I hold that but for women we might even
+to-day find the Royal Academy incapable of forming a quorum without
+calling in lady artists, as they did before. I see that the two ladies
+most qualified to speak about this subject disagree on the most
+essential point. Mrs. E.M. Ward gives it as her opinion that if women
+studied with the same quiet devotion as the male student they would be
+more successful; but Mrs. Louise Jopling asserts that young girls show
+quite as much disposition for art as young men do. I have no hesitation
+in saying that the latter opinion is the correct one. The male art
+student vies with the medical student in playing the fool. A friend of
+mine has recently been driven out of his studio, which was situated next
+to an art school, by the asinine behaviour of these "quiet devotional
+students." But in any school I have been through I have noted with
+astonishment the painstaking sincerity of the lady students.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>All that has been written on the subject from time to time seems to me
+to be quite devoid of common sense. We all know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> what a delightful poet
+Mr. Sterry is, and how fondly he sings the praises of women. Probably he
+has been so engrossed in describing the grace of the girl that he has
+failed to look for the natural elegance of the boy. Possibly no artist
+admires the female form more than I do, but any artist will corroborate
+me when I say it is a matter of the greatest difficulty to find a
+graceful young female model, while you seldom find a youth who is really
+awkward. The playground of a girls' school is a conglomeration of
+awkward figures, awkward running, awkward gesticulating, enough to make
+an artist shudder, while the cricket or football ground of a college is
+the best study an artist can possibly have for the poetry of motion. Mr.
+Sterry cannot be in earnest when he says that girls think the study of
+anatomy tiresome, drawing from the antique a bore, painting from the
+nude superfluous, and studies of the old masters uninteresting. An
+afternoon round the art schools and art galleries will prove to him the
+very reverse. But then the "lazy minstrel" cannot intend his readers to
+take him seriously, for he says that women have greater delicacy of
+touch and facility of manipulation than men, and that their hands are
+less awkward and their fingers more lissom than those of the sterner
+sex. In poetry, my minstrel, yes; in reality, bosh. Where are your women
+conjurors? You say that their brain is not strong enough to second their
+manual advantage, but that they can "knock off" a pretty water-colour or
+oil study of flowers, or a graphic caricature! Caricature, indeed!
+Perhaps no one has seen more caricatures than I have, but I have never
+seen a caricature by a woman. If women have a failing, it is lack of
+humour. We poor caricaturists know that; but we also know that whereas
+women can compete side by side with painters on the line of the Royal
+Academy, we are not honoured by even a failure in caricature.</p>
+
+<p>It is curious how clever lady artists become when they happen to be the
+wives of successful painters, but it is a significant fact that while
+all writers seem to agree that marriage is the cause of obliterating
+artistic ambition in women, it has in many cases been the birth of
+genius; and while domestic companionship with an artist will make a
+woman a painter, no<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span> caricaturist has ever succeeded in making his wife
+a humorist in art, and I shall ask Mr. Sterry what he means by placing
+"graphic caricature" on a par with "knocked-off" pretty water-colours
+and the weak studies of flowers by lady amateurs. Mr. Sterry is an
+artist himself, and this disparagement of a most difficult and most
+unique art fully qualifies him to be a member of the Royal Academy.</p>
+
+<p><a name="PORTRAIT" id="PORTRAIT"></a></p>
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" summary="EARLY VICTORIAN ART.">
+<tr>
+<td align='center'><img src="images/img243.jpg" width="265" height="350"
+             alt="EARLY VICTORIAN ART." /><br />
+         </td>
+
+<td align='center'><img src="images/img244.jpg" width="206" height="420"
+             alt="YOUNG LADY&#39;S PORTRAIT OF HER BROTHER." /><br />
+         </td>
+</tr>
+<tr><td align='center'><small><b>EARLY VICTORIAN ART.</b></small></td><td align='center'><small><b>YOUNG LADY&#39;S PORTRAIT OF HER BROTHER.</b></small></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<p>At the beginning of the Victorian Era art was at its lowest ebb. The
+young lady students of the period were copying those impossible
+lithographed heads which formed the stock-in-trade of the
+drawing-master, or those fashion-plate Venuses whose necks recalled the
+proportions of the giraffe, with the eyelashes of a wax doll, and
+fingers that tapered off like the point of a pencil. These sirens of the
+drawing-board were invariably smelling a rose or kissing a canary, and
+always had a weakness for pearls. They used to be drawn upon tinted
+paper, and when the faces had been duly smeared over with the stump to
+suggest shadow, and after the drawing-master had endowed the work with
+artistic merit by the application of white chalk to the high lights, the
+pearls, the canary's eyes, and the pathetic tear-drops upon the damsels'
+faces, the immortal productions were ready for framing. The giraffe or
+swan-necked angel was the keynote for all ideal work, and even the
+recognised artists of those days, with one or two brilliant exceptions,
+followed in her train.</p>
+
+<p>Now she rushes into a large oil picture&mdash;perhaps a portrait of her
+brother in riding costume, <i>et hoc genus omne</i>. These are caricatures,
+but, like many of the pictures on the walls of the Royal Academy, they
+are unconscious ones.</p>
+
+<p>As I am writing about the failure or success of women,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> I should like to
+introduce a curious request once made to me.</p>
+
+
+<p>It is a very common thing for me to receive all sorts and conditions of
+curious letters from all sorts of people. The following, sent to me from
+the Colonies, is worth reprinting:</p>
+
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p style="margin-top: 2.5em;">"<span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;I have taken the liberty to address you upon a little
+matter, and earnestly hope you will exert and use your influence on
+my behalf to the utmost of your ability. I am a young man
+twenty-three years of age, of good family, handsome, worth in stock
+and cash about &pound;18,000. I intend coming to reside in dear Old
+England permanently (the land of my birth) as soon as I can dispose
+of my property and stock to an advantage here. I came out to Africa
+as a youngster, and have remained here ever since. I've not had an
+opportunity even of paying a visit to England. Will you be good
+enough to try and induce some young lady to correspond with me with
+a view to matrimony? I should like to get married upon my arrival,
+and live in joyful anticipation of meeting my love at the docks or
+station. I am well aware that I am transgressing the rules of good
+breeding and etiquette by my familiarity and audacity, but the fact
+is I am totally unacquainted in the city and know of no one else in
+whom I could put implicit faith and confidence with regard to so
+delicate a matter. Pardon me, therefore, dear sir, if I have been
+in any way intrusive or have unwillingly offended you. I have had
+scores of favourable opportunities to get married here, but, to
+tell the plain truth, I would sooner die than marry anybody not of
+my own nationality. She must have a lady's blood in her veins, and
+born and bred in the auld country, or I'll die a confirmed old
+bachelor. The society of these Cape girls is somewhat detestable to
+me, and their ways, looks, figure, dress, education, refinement,
+and accomplishments are not to be compared to Old England's. Hoping
+I've not occupied too much of your valuable time, and trusting to
+hear from you at your earliest convenience or opportunity, with
+kind regards, I beg to remain,</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+"Yours truly,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 5em;">"&mdash;&mdash;."</span><br />
+</p>
+
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 269px;">
+<img src="images/img245.jpg" width="269" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">WAITING.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p style="margin-top: 3em;">I was puzzled to know what to do with this letter&mdash;I really felt for my
+correspondent. I therefore printed his request in a London letter I was
+writing at the time and which appeared in the principal local papers in
+the United Kingdom, and also in the papers of America and Australia, and
+added a portrait of the lady I had selected, with the following note:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Unless the publication of this letter leads to some favourable
+offers I shall send my unknown, but hymeneally disposed,
+correspondent this sketch of a lady capable of looking after so
+young and venturesome a man, seated at the docks waiting his
+arrival, for unless he has a sketch or photograph how is he to
+identify his 'love' amidst the crowd which greets the
+homeward-bound steamer?"</p></div>
+
+<p>And I have preserved a few out of the scores of letters I received, to
+hand to this gentleman should I ever have the pleasure of meeting him.</p>
+
+<p>Judging from this, the manager of a matrimonial agency must indeed get a
+curious insight into the minds of the maids of Merry England. This
+single experience has been quite enough for me.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIII" id="CHAPTER_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII.</h2>
+
+<h3>THE CONFESSIONS OF A DINER.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>My First City Dinner&mdash;A Minnow against the Stream&mdash;Those Table
+Plans&mdash;Chaos&mdash;The City Alderman, Past and Present&mdash;Whistler's
+Lollipops&mdash;Odd Volumes&mdash;Exchanging Names&mdash;Ye Red Lyon Clubbe&mdash;The
+Pointed Beards&mdash;Baltimore Oysters&mdash;The Sound Money Dinner&mdash;To Meet
+General Boulanger&mdash;A Lunch at Washington&mdash;No Speeches.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Thirteen Club</span>&mdash;What it was&mdash;How it was Boomed&mdash;Gruesome
+Details&mdash;Squint-Eyed Waiters&mdash;Superstitious Absentees&mdash;My Reasons
+for being Present&mdash;'Arry of <i>Punch</i>&mdash;The Lost "Vocal" Chords&mdash;The
+Undergraduate and the Undertaker&mdash;Model Speeches&mdash;Albert Smith An
+Atlantic Contradiction&mdash;The White Horse&mdash;The White Feather&mdash;Exit
+13.</p></div>
+
+<div class="figleft"><img src="images/img246.jpg"  width="208" height="350" style="margin-top: -2em;" alt="P" title="" /></div>
+<p style="margin-top: 3em;">ROBABLY no meal varies so much in the time of its celebration as that
+most important one, dinner. Some people still exist who dine at one
+o'clock; some also there are who daily observe that fearsome feast
+yclept "High Tea." The majority of people dine at various times ranging
+between seven o'clock and half-past eight, but there is one individual
+alone who dines at six. It is the City Guilder. Time was when City
+princes dwelt in City palaces, and rose at five, breakfasted at seven,
+lunched at twelve, dined at five and retired to rest at ten; but
+nowadays these magnates are lords of the City from ten till four, and of
+the West End and the suburbs for the remainder of the twenty-four hours,
+and they would in the ordinary course of things invite you to dinner<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span> at
+eight o'clock or so. What inscrutable law, then, compels them to hold
+their state dinners at the dread hour of six?</p>
+
+<p>For it is at this time, when the ebb-tide of humanity sets strongest
+from the City, that the honoured guest of a City Company may be seen
+fighting his way, like a minnow against stream, in a hansom to his
+dinner at the hall of the Guild. Still, he goes "where glory waits him,"
+so what recks he that the hour is altogether uncongenial and
+inconvenient?</p>
+
+<p>Nevertheless, I know as a matter of fact that this earliness compels
+many invited guests to decline the honour and pleasure of dining with a
+"Gill" (as "Robert" would say), who would without doubt accept the
+invitation were the hours of the Guild as reasonable as their cuisine is
+excellent.</p>
+
+<p>Personally, however, it has often been a pleasure to me to leave my
+easel at four o'clock and prepare to meet my practical City patrons "on
+their own midden" at "5.30 for 6."</p>
+
+<p>As an illustration I will record a reminiscence of a very pleasant
+evening I once spent in the City, when the festivities&mdash;save for my
+having to make a speech&mdash;went off with that success which is inseparable
+from City dinners.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>Imprimis, I arrive in daylight and evening dress. These two, like
+someone and holy water, don't agree, for not all the waters of Geneva
+nor the arts of the queen of all <i>blanchisseuses</i> can destroy the horrid
+contrast between a white tie and a white shirt; yet another good
+argument in favour of a reasonable dinner hour.</p>
+
+<p>I hate being in a minority. More especially do I detest being in such a
+decidedly pronounced minority as one joins when one drives <i>into</i> the
+City about six o'clock in the evening against a vast current of toilers
+of commerce homeward bound. It may be weak, but I feel it all the same.
+I seem to divine the thoughts of the omnibus driver as he gazes down
+upon me from his exalted perch&mdash;he does not think my shirt is clean. His
+sixteen "outsides" bestow upon me a supercilious look that conveys to me
+that they opine I am merely cabbing it to the station <i>en route</i> for a
+"suburban hop." But I bear up under it all, and think of the magnificent
+banquet of which they, poor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span> things, know nothing, and I am beginning to
+feel quite proud when a brute of a fellow in charge of a van catches his
+wheel in that of my cab and nearly pitches me out. I hurriedly decide to
+decline the next invitation I receive for a City dinner.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img248.jpg" width="600" height="847" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MENU OF THE DINNER GIVEN TO ME BY THE LOTOS CLUB, NEW
+YORK.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>However, I live to reach Cannon Street and the mansion of the "Gill."</p>
+
+<p>I am soon ushered into the Cedar Room, where I am received by the Master
+and the Wardens in their robes.</p>
+
+<p>I mingle with the Guilders and their guests, and find the members of the
+Worshipful Company informing their friends that they are now in the
+Cedar Room; then they sniff, and the guests sniff and say "Charming!"
+Then they remark, "What a lot of pencils it would make!" and laugh, and
+the artists present agree that City folks are shoppy.</p>
+
+<p>On a side table the stranger sees a number of what appear to him
+diagrams of City improvements, with mains and drains and all sorts of
+things, but on closer inspection they turn out to be the plans of the
+table. You discover one bearing your name, and opposite it a red cross,
+or perhaps I ought to say an exaggerated asterisk.</p>
+
+<p>When you have taken your seat downstairs in the Banqueting Hall you
+inspect your plan, from which you find that you can tell who everybody
+is. Capital idea!</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, seat Number 24, the great Professor Snuffers!"</p>
+
+<p>You direct your gaze across the table to seat No. 24, and lo! your
+cherished preconception of the Professor vanishes instanter, for his
+bearing is military, and his whole appearance seems to denote muscle
+rather than mind.</p>
+
+<p>This plan opens up a mine of instruction and information. You refer
+again, and next to the Professor you find the "Master of the Scalpers'
+Company."</p>
+
+<p>"Dear, me, what a clerical-looking old gentleman!" is your mental
+comment.</p>
+
+<p>Next you look for "The Rev. Canon Dormouse."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, he's quite a youth! Can't be more than five-and-twenty, and wears
+a medal and an eye-glass! How types have changed!"</p>
+
+<p>It occurs to you to open a conversation with your next neighbour, which
+you do by making a casual allusion to the Canon.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, dear old gentleman; does a lot for the poor&mdash;life devoted to
+them."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Dear me, does he? Now to my mind, judging from appearances, the Master
+of the Scalpers' Company seems more cut out for that kind of work."</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha! <i>He's</i> better at curing hams than souls."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I should not have thought so, merely judging character as an
+artist. Professor Snuffers seems to me also curiously unique. I know a
+good many Professors, but I never met one so anti-professional in
+appearance as that gentleman."</p>
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" width="600px" cellspacing="0" summary="ALDERMAN.">
+<tr>
+<td align='center'><img src="images/img250.jpg" width="600" height="363"
+             alt="ALDERMAN. IDEAL. REAL." /><br />
+        </td><td>&nbsp;</td>
+
+
+</tr>
+<tr><td align="left">ALDERMAN.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; IDEAL.</td><td align='left'>REAL.</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<p>"Ah, Snuffers! Old friend of mine&mdash;where is he?"</p>
+
+<p>"There," and you point to the name on the plan and nod over to the other
+side of the table.</p>
+
+<p>"No, that's not Snuffers! I recollect now he told me he would not be
+able to come. That's Major Bangs, a guest asked to fill a vacant chair."</p>
+
+<p>Similarly you find that the eye-glass youth is <i>not</i> Canon Dormouse, the
+clerical-looking gentleman <i>not</i> the Master of the Scalpers' Company,
+and so on. Oh, they are a capital idea, those plans!</p>
+
+<p>On the occasion in question I met one of the Sheriffs of the City, who
+is also an Alderman&mdash;not a fat, apoplectic, greasy, vulgar Cr&oelig;sus,
+but a handsome, thoughtful-looking gentleman,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> decidedly under fifty,
+who might be anything but an Alderman. But indeed the long-accepted type
+of an Alderman is exploded&mdash;such a type, bursting with good dinners,
+wealth and vulgarity, must explode&mdash;and the ph&oelig;nix which has risen
+from his ashes would scarcely be recognised by the most liberal of
+naturalists as belonging to the same species. John Leech may have had
+living examples for his gross and repulsive monuments of gluttony; in my
+own experience, however, I find a gulf of great magnitude between the
+Alderman of caricature and the Alderman I have met in the flesh. The
+former has gone over to the majority of "four-bottle men" and other
+bygone phenomena.</p>
+
+<p>Well, let us return to the dinner. The fare is excellent, the company
+delightful, and I am just revelling in that beatific state of mind born
+of a sufficiency of the good things of this earth, when nothing seems to
+me more pleasant than a City dinner, when I am tapped upon the shoulder
+by the Toastmaster, who bears a warrant to consign me to misery. I have
+to make a speech. I have passed through the ordeal before, but I find
+that familiarity, as far as speech-making is concerned, breeds no
+contempt. Between the City and the art in which I am interested there
+exists no affinity, and this perhaps is a blessing in disguise, as for
+once in a way one is of necessity compelled to "sink the shop." However,
+it is soon over. A plunge, a gasp or two, a few quick strokes, and I am
+through the breakers and on the shore&mdash;I mean on my seat. That was years
+ago&mdash;I am an old hand now.</p>
+
+<p>I never could subscribe to that unwritten and unhonoured law which
+provides that an after-dinner speaker is entitled to five minutes in
+which to apologise for his incompetency in that capacity, and fifty-five
+minutes in which to speechify; and I have often wished that speechmakers
+one and all would recollect that a few words well-chosen and to the
+point, and a timely termination, are far more acceptable to the listener
+than all their maundering oratorical tours "from China to Peru," from
+the Mansion House to the moon. When I am going to a City dinner my own
+children show a lively interest to know the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> name of the Company, and if
+I name the Skinners' Guild their interest culminates in uproarious
+delight; but if I mention any other, most uncomplimentary groans greet
+the announcement, for the guests of the Company to which I refer can
+choose either to take or have sent to them a huge box of the choicest
+sweetmeats when the entertainment is over.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 169px;">
+<img src="images/img252a.jpg" width="169" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">J. WHISTLER, AFTER A CITY DINNER. (DRAWN WITH MY LEFT
+HAND.)</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+<p><i>A propos</i> of this, I recollect an incident the mention of which will, I
+fear, send a cold shudder through any worshipper of "Nubian" nocturnes
+and incomprehensible "arrangements." On one occasion after leaving the
+banquet of this Guild I beheld Whistler&mdash;"Jimmy" of the snowy tuft, the
+martyred butterfly of the "peacock room"&mdash;to whose impressionable soul
+the very thought of a sugar-stick should be direst agony, actually
+making his way homewards hugging a great box of lollipops!</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 262px;">
+<img src="images/img252b.jpg" width="262" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">AN ODD VOLUME.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I met a curious City man, not at a City dinner, but at "Ye Odd Volumes,"
+where we both happened to be guests. He was certainly an odd-looking
+guest, a very old volume out-of-date&mdash;odd-fashioned overcoat with gold
+buttons, an odd-fashioned "stock," and an odd-looking shirt. While
+waiting for dinner he looked at me oddly, and eventually addressed me in
+this odd way:</p>
+
+<p>"Sir, may I have the pleasure of exchanging names with you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, certainly; my name is Harry Furniss."</p>
+
+<p>"H'm, ha, eh, ha!" and he walked away.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>After dinner came the speeches. As each guest was called upon, my odd
+friend was to his evident chagrin not named; I noticed from time to time
+the old gentleman was elevated&mdash;sitting high. At last, after I had
+returned thanks for the visitors, he rose and asked to be allowed to
+speak. He said something nice about me&mdash;the reason he explained to me
+later. The burthen of his speech was a protest that he had not seen one
+odd volume that night. "If you've got 'em, produce 'em. Ah!" (snapping
+his fingers at the company in general) "I don't think you know what an
+odd volume is!" And then turning round he placed on the table a huge
+volume on which he had been sitting all through dinner.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 447px;">
+<img src="images/img253.jpg" width="447" height="600" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MY DESIGN FOR SETTE OF ODD VOLUMES. I WAS A GUEST.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"There," he said, "that's an odd volume if you like&mdash;that's something
+unique. It contains 9,987 hotel bills&mdash;a chronicle (of my hotel
+expenses) for two-thirds of the present century."</p>
+
+<p>Later he came round to me. He assured me that he didn't catch my name
+when he asked for it, but when I was speaking he recognised me and was
+glad to have the opportunity of making my acquaintance. It appeared he
+had bought many hundreds of "Romps" books for children and given them
+to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> Children's Hospitals and other institutions. So he had besides an
+odd volume a good heart&mdash;and what is more surprising, a watch in every
+pocket! Watch-collecting was his hobby, and, like a conjuror, he
+produced them from the most unexpected and mysterious places. One
+belonged to the Emperor Maximilian, and had in its case moving figures
+to strike the time. I confess I wished he had exchanged watches with me
+in place of names. His name, by the way, was Holborn; he was a
+well-known City tea-merchant.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 363px;">
+<img src="images/img254a.jpg" width="363" height="600" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MY DESIGN (REDUCED) FOR THE DINNER OF YE RED LYON
+CLUBBE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 279px;">
+<img src="images/img254b.jpg" width="279" height="400" alt="A DISTINGUISHED &quot;LYON.&quot;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">A DISTINGUISHED &quot;LYON.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p style="margin-top: 4em;">When I visited Leeds for the British Association Meeting, I was made a
+member of Ye Red Lyon Clubbe, a dining club which I understand meets
+once a year as a relief to the daily monotony of the serious business of
+the Association&mdash;in fact, "for one night only" the British Ass. assumes
+the Lion's skin. To see learned Professors who have been dilating for
+hours and days on the most abstruse scientific subjects, with the most
+solemn faces, amidst the dullest surroundings, suddenly appear wagging
+their dress-coat tails to represent the tail of the hungry lion, and
+emitting the most extraordinary mournful, growling sounds, the nearest
+approach at imitating the roar of the lion, and otherwise behaving like
+a lot of schoolboys on the night before the holidays, is certainly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> a
+scene not familiar to the thousands who belong to the British
+Association.</p>
+
+<p>Burlesque-scientific speeches are made after dinner, and although there
+are generally some practical jokes in chemical illustrations, the merry
+wits do not tamper with the dinner itself further than preparing a most
+excellent burlesque menu, which I take the liberty of here introducing:</p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<h4>
+JOURNAL<br />
+OF<br />
+SECTIONAL PROCEEDINGS.</h4>
+
+
+
+<p class="center">Issued Tuesday Evening, September 9th, 1890, at 5.30 p.m.</p>
+
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" width="65%" cellspacing="0" summary="JOURNAL OF SECTIONAL PROCEEDINGS.">
+
+<tr>
+<td><span class="smcap">Section A</span>...</td>
+<td><i>Hors d'&OElig;uvres</i>&mdash;Kinetic Vacua.</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td><span class="smcap">Section B</span>...</td>
+<td><i>Pur&eacute;e Pontoise</i>&mdash;Isomeric Naphthalene.<br />
+<i>Consomm&eacute; &agrave; la Princesse</i>&mdash;Hydracid Halogen.</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td><span class="smcap">Section C</span>...</td>
+<td><i>Boiled Salmon</i>&mdash;Glacial Lepidodendron.<br />
+<i>Fried Smelts</i>&mdash;Horned Dinosaur.</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td><span class="smcap">Section D</span>...</td>
+<td><i>Kromesky &agrave; la Russe</i>&mdash;Androgynous Cones.<br />
+<i>Poulet Saut&eacute; &agrave; la Chasseur</i>&mdash;Chytridian Woronina.</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td><span class="smcap">Section E</span>...</td>
+<td><i>Braised Fillet of Beef</i>&mdash;Lobengula Lion.<br />
+<i>Roast Saddle of Mutton</i>&mdash;Native Kalahari.</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td><span class="smcap">Section F</span>...</td>
+<td><i>Grouse</i>&mdash;Statistics of Slaughter.<br />
+<i>Partridge</i>&mdash;Progressive Decimation.</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td><span class="smcap">Section G</span>...</td>
+<td><i>*Savarin &agrave; l'Abricot</i>&mdash;Diamagnetic amperes.<br />
+<i>Sicilian Cream</i>&mdash;A New Lubricant.<br />
+<i>Victoria Jelly</i>&mdash;High Carbon Slag.<br />
+<i>Maids of Honour</i>&mdash;Kinetic Leverage.<br />
+<i>Pastry</i>&mdash;Approaching the Elastic Limit.</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+<td><span class="smcap">Section H</span>...</td>
+<td><i>Ice Pudding</i>&mdash;Prognathous Brachycephaloid.<br />
+<i>Cro&ucirc;te d'Anchois</i>&mdash;Unidentified Origin.<br />
+<i>Dessert</i>&mdash;Prehistoric Jourouks.</td>
+</tr>
+
+</table></div>
+
+<blockquote><p>* Should the discussion of these Papers interfere with the
+transactions of the other Sections, one or more will be taken as
+eaten.</p></blockquote>
+
+
+<p class="center">
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">H.B. &mdash;&mdash;, Jackals.</span><br />
+W. &mdash;&mdash;,</p>
+
+
+
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;">
+<img src="images/img256a.jpg" width="700" height="218" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">The Pointed Beards</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figleft"><img src="images/img256b.jpg" style="margin-top: -1.4em;" width="350" height="337" alt="" title="T" /></div>
+<p style="margin-top: 3em;">OMEBODY has said that an Englishman will find any excuse to give a
+dinner, but my experience has been that this is truer of Americans. I
+have been the guest of many extraordinary dining clubs, but as the most
+unique I select the Pointed Beards of New York. To club and dine
+together because one has hair cut in a particular way is the <i>raison
+d'&ecirc;tre</i> of the club; there is nothing heroic, nothing artistic or
+particularly intellectual. It is not even a club to discuss hirsute
+adornments; such a club might be made as interesting as any other,
+provided the members were clever.</p>
+
+<p>That most delightful of <i>litt&eacute;rateurs</i>, Mr. James Payn, once interested
+himself, and with his pen his readers, in that charming way of his, on
+the all-important question, "Where do shavers learn their business? Upon
+whom do they practise?" After most careful investigation he answers the
+question, "The neophytes try their prentice hands upon their fellow
+barbers." That may be the rule, but every rule has an exception, and I
+happened once to be the unfortunate layman when a budding and
+inexperienced barber practised his art upon me. I sat in the chair of a
+hairdresser's not a hundred miles from Regent Street. I had selected a
+highly respectable, thoroughly English establishment, as I was tired of
+being held by the nose by foreigners' fingers saturated with the
+nicotine of bad cigarettes. I entered gaily, and to my delight a
+fresh-looking British youth tied me up in the chair of torture, lathered
+my chin, and began operations. I was not aware of the fact that I was
+being made a chopping-block of until the youth, agitated and extremely
+nervous, produced<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> a huge piece of lint and commenced dabbing patches of
+it upon my countenance. Then I looked at myself in the glass. Good
+heavens! Was I gazing upon myself, or was it some German student,
+lacerated and bleeding after a sanguinary duel? I stormed and raged, and
+called for the proprietor, who was gentle and sorry and apologetic, and
+explained to me that the boy must begin upon somebody, and I
+unfortunately was the first victim! I allow my beard to grow now.</p>
+
+<p>Otherwise I should not have been eligible for the New York Pointed
+Beards, for no qualification is necessary except that one wear a beard
+cut to a point.</p>
+
+<p>The tables were ornamented with lamps having shades cut to represent
+pointed beards. A toy goat, the emblem of the club, was the centre
+decoration. We had the "Head Barber," and, of course, any amount of soft
+soap. A leading Republican was in the barber's chair, and during dinner
+some sensation was caused by one of the guests being discovered wearing
+a false beard. He was immediately seized and ejected until after the
+dinner, when he returned with his music. It so happened we had present a
+member of the Italian Opera, with his beautiful pointed beard, and he
+had also a beautiful voice. But New York could not supply an accompanist
+with a pointed beard! So a false beard was preferred to false notes. The
+speeches were pointed, but not cut as short as the beard&mdash;rather too
+pointed and too long. It was just after the Bryan political crisis. The
+leading politician in the chair and one of the guests, a political
+leader writer, who had not met&mdash;not even at their barber's&mdash;since the
+election, had some electioneering dispute to settle. Americans, unlike
+us, drag politics into everything. Take away this peculiarity and you
+take away two-thirds of their excellent after-dinner speaking. The
+Pointed Beards may have something to do with the matter. The two lost
+their temper, and the evening was all but ruined thereby, when a happy
+thought struck me. Although as the guest of the evening I had spoken, I
+rose again to apologise for being an Englishman! I confessed that I had
+listened to the two speeches,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span> but their brilliancy and wit were
+entirely lost upon me; the subtle humour of the American passed an
+Englishman's understanding. Their personalities and political passages
+were no doubt ingenious "bluff," but so cleverly serious and so well
+acted that I had for four-fifths of the acrimonious speeches been
+entirely taken in. At this all laughed loud at my stupidity, and the
+evening ended pleasantly.</p>
+
+<p>The secretary of this dinner, which was a most excellent one, was the
+celebrated Delmonico, but it was not held at his famous restaurant. To
+have been complete it ought really to have been held in a barber's shop,
+for some of those establishments in America are palatial, and even minor
+barbers' shops are utilised in a curious way. One Sunday afternoon as I
+was taking a walk I overheard some singing in a shop devoted to hair
+dressing, and looking in I saw an extraordinary sight. There were about
+a dozen old ladies seated in the barbers' chairs, with their backs to
+the looking-glasses and brushes, singing hymns. It was a meeting of the
+Plymouth Brethren, who hired the shop for their devotions!</p>
+
+<p>Of course at the Pointed Beards' dinner in New York we had oysters with
+beards&mdash;but no American dinner is complete without their famous oysters.
+Unfortunately I have to make the extraordinary confession that I never
+tasted an oyster in my life, and as I am touching upon gastronomy, I may
+also mention that I never touch cheese, or hare, or rabbit, or eel, and
+I would have to be in the last stage of starvation before I could eat
+cold lamb or cold veal; so it will be seen by these confessions that my
+cook's berth is not a sinecure, and that these complimentary dinners, as
+dinners, are to a great extent wasted upon me. I once, in fact, was
+asked to a dinner at a club, and I could not touch one single dish! But
+my friends kindly provided some impromptu dishes without cheese or
+oysters and other, to me, objectionable things. I was not so lucky in
+Baltimore. We all know Baltimore is celebrated for its oysters, and the
+night I arrived a dinner was given to me at the Baltimore Club, which
+opened as usual with dishes of magnificent oysters. The head waiter, a
+well-known figure, an old<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span> "darkie" with grey hair, placed a dish of
+oysters down before me with pride, and stood to watch my delight. I
+beckoned to him to take them away. He seized the dish and examined the
+oysters; got another dish, placed them before me. I again requested him
+to remove them. This happened a third time. I then told him plainly and
+emphatically that I did not eat oysters. By this time my host and his
+guests were at their third course, and I and the head waiter were still
+discussing oysters. My host did not notice this, as he was at the other
+end of the table, and there were many floral decorations between us; but
+I made bold to inform him of the fact that the waiter had not only taken
+away my plates but had removed my glasses, knives and forks, and left me
+with a bare cloth and no dinner. My host had to call the waiter out of
+the room and remonstrate with him, but it required some time and a great
+deal of persuasion before I, the guest of the evening, was allowed to
+begin my dinner when they were finishing theirs. It transpired that the
+humorous paper of Baltimore had published the impressions I would
+receive on visiting their great city, and prominently was a caricature
+of myself swallowing my first Baltimore oyster. This so interested the
+waiters of the club that they selected the largest for me, and were so
+disappointed at my refusing them that they punished me in the same way
+as Sancho Panza was punished before me.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps the most extraordinary dinner I ever took part in was held in
+New York on November 3rd, 1896, when twelve leading Democrats and twelve
+Republicans sat down on the night of the most sensational election that
+has ever taken place in the United States. English readers will hardly
+realise what such a combination meant. The only parallel in this country
+was probably caused by Mr. Gladstone's Home Rule Bill, when leading
+Liberals and Conservatives stood on the same platform. But that was the
+result of a purely political question; political questions of that
+national character do not interest the better-class American. For
+instance, on my first visit to America I sat next to a very influential
+New Yorker at dinner. At that time also elections were pending,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> and I
+casually asked my acquaintance what he thought of the situation. He
+raised his eyebrows with great surprise and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Pardon me, sir, we take no interest in politics here; we leave that to
+our valets."</p>
+
+<p>I met that man the day of this dinner four years later. He was
+positively ill with excitement; he could talk of nothing but politics.
+Party emblems decorated his coat; every pocket was full of pamphlets&mdash;he
+had been working night and day to defeat Bryan. His valet, no doubt, was
+sleeping soundly the sleep of indifference&mdash;nothing to lose or nothing
+to gain should Bryan succeed. The silver scare of Bryan's touched the
+pockets, not the politics, of the prosperous; and that touch is the one
+touch that makes the whole American world kin.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img260.jpg" width="650" height="333" alt="" title="A Sound Money Dinner" />
+</div>
+
+<p>It happened that I was dining at the house of the chairman of this
+unique dinner ten days before the election, and he was telling us of the
+coming election-night dinner as the most extraordinary in the history of
+their politics. To my surprise, days afterwards, I received an
+invitation. They all had to be consulted, and agreed that I was the only
+outsider they would allow to be present.</p>
+
+<p>The dinner was held in an hotel in the centre of New York, and special
+permission had been given to have the room next to the one in which we
+dined turned into a telegraph office, where all the messages going to
+the central office were tapped, and we<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> knew the result in the room as
+soon as it was known at the central office. Perhaps I was the only one
+present thoroughly indifferent, and certainly the only one who enjoyed
+his dinner. Speeches were indulged in even earlier than usual, and one
+of them had the portentous title of "England" coupled with my name! I
+rose and said that I felt exactly like a man who had been invited to a
+country house, and on his arrival was met by his friend on the doorstep
+with a long face and a cold, nervous hand. He was glad to see you, but
+had sad news: his wife was lying between life and death, and the doctors
+were round her bedside. Now, under such circumstances, one does not
+exactly feel one can make one's self at home. I assured my listeners
+that at the moment the Republic was lying in a critical condition,
+doctors were at her bedside, and it would be settled before midnight
+whether she was to live or die. If they would allow me I would rise
+later, and I trusted then my friends would be in a more genial and less
+excited mood. I had the pleasure of continuing my speech late that
+night, and congratulating them on the Republic having survived the Bryan
+crisis.</p>
+
+<p>To describe the scenes after dinner when the results were announced, if
+I had a pen capable of so doing, would simply dub me in the minds of
+many readers as a second de Rougemont.</p>
+
+<p>Late that night I reached the waterside. The North River was ablaze with
+red and blue lights, and rockets shot into the darkness from either
+shore. Every ferry-boat, tug-boat, scow, or barge in the harbour passed
+in an endless procession. The air quivered with the bellowings of
+fog-horns, steam whistles, and sirens. It was indescribable; language
+fails me. I can only quote the words of the New York paper with "the
+largest circulation in the world": "The wind-whipped waters of river and
+harbour glowed last night with the reflection of a myriad lights set
+aflame for the glory of the new sound and golden dollar. East and west,
+north and south, dazzling streams of fire played in fantastic curves
+across the heavens, and beneath this canopy of streaming flame moved a
+mammoth fleet of steam craft, great and small."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>As I laid my aching head on my pillow I murmured: "Had I been an
+American citizen, much as I believe in sound currency and an honest
+dollar, one more rocket, a few more fog-horns, and I should have cast my
+vote for Bryan and Free Silver!"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<img src="images/img262.jpg" width="650" height="780" alt="A SKETCH OF BOULANGER." title="" />
+<span class="caption">A SKETCH OF BOULANGER.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>At this dinner I contrasted the look of anxiety with the callous
+indifference of a face I had watched under similar but still more unique
+circumstances a few years before: the face of the chief of French
+<i>poseurs</i>&mdash;General Boulanger&mdash;whom I was asked to meet at dinner in
+London. It happened to be the night the result of his defeat at the
+polls was made known. He sat, the one man out of the score-and-five
+concerned; but as telegrams were handed to him, of defeat, not success,
+he never showed any signs of interest.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A few years afterwards, when on tour with my lecture-entertainments, I
+"put in" a week in the Channel Islands, under the management of a
+gentleman who had been intimately acquainted with Boulanger when he was
+a political recluse in Jersey; and one afternoon he drove me to the
+charming villa the General had occupied, situated in an ideal spot on
+the coast. The villa was most solidly built, and of picturesque
+architecture&mdash;the freak of a rich Parisian merchant, who had spared no
+pains or money over it. The work both inside and out was that of the
+best artists Paris could supply. It was magnificently furnished&mdash;a
+museum of beautiful objects, and curious ones, too. One bedroom was a
+model of an officer's apartments on board a man-of-war, even to the
+water (painted) splashing through a porthole. Another bedroom was a
+replica of an officer's tent. These were designed and furnished for the
+sons of the Parisian merchant, who for some domestic reason never went
+near his <i>petite</i> palace. He lent it to Boulanger, and there he lived
+the life of an exiled monarch. The place has never been touched since he
+walked out of it. In the stateroom, in which he received political
+deputations of his supporters from France, the chairs were arranged in a
+semi-circle round the table at which he sat when he received the last
+one. On the blotter was his speech, and a sheet of paper on which was
+written the address of the retreat. This was given to me, and here I
+reproduce it:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img263.jpg" width="600" height="223" alt="" title="Address of Boulanger&#39;s Retreat" />
+</div>
+
+
+<p>We had coffee on the balcony, served out of china which had on it his
+monogram, and silver spoons with his crest. I did not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> pocket the
+spoons, nor the powder-puff of Madame, and other relics lying about; the
+rooms remained as they were left, even to gowns in the wardrobe. The
+delightful garden, cut out of the rocks, had run wild. The grapes hung
+in clusters, the flowers were one mass of colour, the paths were covered
+with grass. Below stood the summer-house where Madame drank her tea. In
+one corner on a wall was a small target with revolver bullet marks all
+over it, the result of the General's practice, when possibly he used the
+same revolver which he turned upon himself at the tomb of Madame de
+Bonnemain, in the cemetery at Ixelles, Brussels.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img264.jpg" width="600" height="369" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">A NOTE ON MY MENU.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>It would be impossible for me in a short chapter to deal with all the
+interesting dinners and other entertainments I have attended; but I must
+confess that I was immensely flattered by a lunch given to me in
+Washington by the Rev. Dr. Wesley R. Davis, the well-known Albany
+preacher, who had retired from the pulpit and become an official of the
+Postal Department in Washington.</p>
+
+<p>The novelty of this lunch was the idea of the chairman to sandwich each
+course with a story. We began with some very fine and large Lynhaven
+oysters. We English, with one exception, have no appreciation of the
+size of these huge American oysters. That one exception was Thackeray.
+And I may safely say that I never sat down to a meal in America and
+expressed my surprise at the size of the oysters (which I purposely did)
+but that someone told me what Thackeray said of them. On this occasion I
+was told the story by none other than General Horace Porter, one of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span> the
+best if not the greatest of all <i>raconteurs</i> in the United States. Here
+it is:</p>
+
+<p>"You know what Thackeray said when he first saw one of our
+oysters,&mdash;that he felt in eating it he was swallowing a new-born baby."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 387px;">
+<img src="images/img265.jpg" width="387" height="600" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">REMARKABLE AND MUCH TALKED OF LUNCH TO ME AT WASHINGTON.
+THE AUTOGRAPHS ON BACK OF MENU.<br />
+<span class="link"><a href="images/img265full.jpg">View larger image</a></span></span>
+</div>
+
+<p>After the green turtle Mr. Willard, the well-known actor, was called
+upon, and related a brace of capital theatrical stories.</p>
+
+<p>After Carolina shad and <i>pommes Parisienne</i> I was called to my legs. Now
+there is nothing so depressing as telling stories or making speeches at
+two o'clock in the afternoon. General Porter remarked that he could
+never tell a story till after eleven o'clock at night. He managed,
+however, to tell several of his best on this occasion. As the gallant
+General will tell them again, and I trust many times, I shall not
+publish them here. Mine are not worth repeating. As I said, I felt at
+the moment something like a well-known literary celebrity distinguished
+for his capital Scotch tales and his conversational brevity. He<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span> was
+invited to meet the late James Payn, who had expressed such a strong
+desire to make his acquaintance that he agreed to dine at the Reform
+Club (which he had not done for a considerable time), and this was only
+arranged by their giving him the same waiter and allowing him to sit at
+the same table he was in the habit of having at lunch every day. The
+others were Sir Wemyss Reid and Sir John Robinson, of the <i>Daily News</i>.
+The four enjoyed a capital dinner. Payn, Sir Wemyss and Sir John were at
+their best, but the guest never made a remark. However, towards the end
+of the dinner, he put his knife and fork down, looked round, and said,
+"This is the very first time in my life I have sat down with three
+editors." This was all his conversation.</p>
+
+<p>I was referring to the fact that brevity is the soul of wit, and that
+the Scotch author's remark about the three editors expressed my fear in
+addressing so many members of the Government as were present.</p>
+
+<p>Then came the pheasant, and before we had quite relished the excellence
+of the celery salad that favourite American comedian, W. H. Crane, mixed
+a salad of stories which were highly relished. I shall pass over his
+theatrical stories and select two which followed, and which are so
+typical of American humour, that I give them in full.</p>
+
+<p>A poor man on tramp in the country one fine July day staggered in an
+exhausted state into the garden of a rich old lady, and falling on his
+hands and knees on the grass plot at the feet of the lady, pulled
+himself along biting at the grass like a half-starved animal.</p>
+
+<p>"My good man," the lady said, "why do you eat the grass in that way? Are
+you really so hungry?"</p>
+
+<p>"Madam," cried the man, looking up, "I am starving!"</p>
+
+<p>"Poor man, poor man!" remarked the lady, with a look of pity. "My eyes
+fill with tears&mdash;my heart bleeds for you. Go round to the kitchen door,
+go round to the kitchen door, the grass is longer there!"</p>
+
+<p>The other referred to the darkie railway hand who had by degrees worked
+into a position at the depot (pronounced day-po, de-pot or de-poo),
+where he strutted about in a costume<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span> embellished with gold lace. An
+English tourist (oh, those poor fools&mdash;English tourists!) was standing
+by the rails as an express train flew past at ninety miles an
+hour&mdash;s-c-h-w-r-r-r-r! and in a second was lost to sight.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" remarked the English tourist to the gentleman of colour. "The&mdash;ah,
+train&mdash;ah, didn't&mdash;ah, stop&mdash;ah, here&mdash;ah!"</p>
+
+<p>"No sir, nebber eben hesitated!"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 570px;">
+<img src="images/img267.jpg" width="570" height="600" alt="" title="Mr. Punch and his Dog Toby" />
+</div>
+
+
+<p>On May the 17th, 1888, I gave a dinner at the Garrick Club to my
+fellow-workers on <i>Punch</i>, and others,&mdash;a merry meeting of twenty-four.
+Mr. F. C. Burnand was at the other end of the table, and as the <i>souffl&eacute;
+glac&eacute; aux fleurs d'oranges</i> heralded the near approach of the end of the
+dinner I noticed a mischievous look in Burnand's eyes, and it struck me
+he intended to make a speech! As there was no "object" in my giving the
+dinner except a purely social one,&mdash;in fact to reciprocate the
+hospitality of some present whom I could not ask to my house in
+consequence of my wife's long illness,&mdash;I naturally felt extremely
+anxious when I saw that Mr. Burnand intended introducing speeches. I had
+sent a message to him that I wished for none. My evening would be spoilt
+by speeches, and even the witticisms of Burnand could not save it&mdash;yet
+he was incorrigible. I must pay him back! A happy thought struck me as
+he was speaking. I sent for note-paper. I, unobserved, tore it into
+strips and slipped the pieces into my breast-pocket. When I rose I acted
+being extremely nervous, assured my friends that I had implored the
+"Vice" not to introduce speeches, and with (true) feeling implored them
+not to credit the "chicken and champagne" the "Vice" had more than
+hinted at, and of course said I was unaccustomed to speaking, etc. I
+then fumbled about my pockets, and nervously produced my "notes,"
+carefully laying<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> them out in a long column in front of me. My guests
+looked with pity upon me, and their dismay was evident when I began as
+follows: "I was born&mdash;I was born&mdash;in 1854. I&mdash;I&mdash;&mdash;" (break down). Note
+No. 2. "I came to London&mdash;I came to London&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hear, hear," murmured the sufferers.</p>
+
+<p>Another collapse,&mdash;I sought other "notes." "Art&mdash;art&mdash;Greek art&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hear, hear, ha, ha!" (They were beginning to guy me!)</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Punch</i>&mdash;&mdash;" (another painful pause). "Gentlemen, <i>Punch</i>&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes, we know all about that!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I said, "but, gentlemen, before that toast is honoured I beg to
+propose to you a toast. The toast, always the <i>premier</i> toast in every
+gathering composed of English gentlemen." The joke was then mine. In the
+most perfunctory and glib manner I gave the Royal Toast. After it was
+duly honoured I gave the second Loyal Toast, "The House of Lords," "The
+Houses of Parliament," "The Army, Navy and Reserve Forces,"&mdash;each time
+calling upon some one or two to respond. The reply for "The Navy," I
+recollect, fell to Sir Spencer Wells, who was originally in the Navy.
+(The Army had a legitimate representative.) We had Law, Art, Letters,
+Music, the Medical Profession, Commerce, the Colonies, America
+(responded to by E. A. Abbey)&mdash;in fact we had no fewer than twenty-four
+toasts; twenty-four or more replies. But this was only the first round!
+I was determined to keep the speeches going and not to let Burnand say
+another word. So I passed him over, and ignoring his appeals from the
+chair, I got through&mdash;or very nearly through&mdash;another score of speeches,
+reinforced by Toole and others coming in after the theatres, until the
+closure was moved and the meeting adjourned.</p>
+
+<p>Burnand and I rode to Mill Hill and back the next morning, and he had to
+admit I had utterly routed him. The victory was mine!</p>
+
+<p>To keep up the flow of oratory in the second series of speeches I had to
+call upon my guests to speak to a different toast from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> the one they
+replied to earlier. This added to the fun. But the best-regulated
+humour, such as Burnand's introductory speech, often gives a false
+impression. For instance, I actually managed to get Charles Keene on to
+his legs,&mdash;I think I am right in saying the only occasion on which he
+ever spoke. I coupled his name with "Open Spaces" (Sir Robert Hunter,
+the champion of "open spaces," had responded the first time). It struck
+me that I was paying Keene a compliment when I referred to his
+marvellous talent in depicting commons and fields and vast spaces in his
+unequalled drawings of landscapes.</p>
+
+<p>"Umph! Furniss, I see, chaffs me about leaving so much white in my
+work&mdash;not filled up with little figures like his."</p>
+
+<p>And I do not think he ever understood I intended to compliment him.</p>
+
+<p>Towards the end I received a memorandum in pencil on a soiled piece of
+paper:</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img269.jpg" width="600" height="429" alt="" title="A Memorandum in Pencil" />
+</div>
+
+<p>And he walked in&mdash;dear old Toole in an old coat.</p>
+
+<p>I have given many another sociable dinner, but none with greater success
+than this at which I turned Burnand's accidentally unhappy speech into a
+Happy Thought.</p>
+
+<p>When I was offered the chairmanship of the dinner of the London Thirteen
+Club, it was with a light heart that I accepted. I was under the
+impression that the dinner was to be a private kind of affair&mdash;a small
+knot of men endowed with common sense meeting to express their contempt
+for ignorant and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span> harmful superstition. I had already had the honour of
+being elected an honorary member of the Club, but somehow or other I had
+never attended any of its gatherings, nor had I met with one of its
+members.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<img src="images/img270.jpg" width="600" height="467" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">THIRTEEN CLUB BANQUET. THE TABLE DECORATIONS.</span>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>When the time came, it was with a heavy heart that I fulfilled my
+promise. This Thirteen Club idea, which hails from America, had in the
+meantime been "boomed," as our cousins across the Herring Pond would put
+it, into an affair of great magnitude. It was taken up by the Press, and
+paragraphs, leaderettes and leaders appeared in nearly every journal all
+over the country. This is the style of paragraph I received through a
+Press cutting agency from numberless papers:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span></p>
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 350px;">
+<img src="images/img271.jpg" width="350" height="300" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">MR. W. H. BLANCH.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Mr. W. H. Blanch, who has been elected President of the London Thirteen
+Club for the year 1894, is the promoter of an organised protest against
+the popular superstition which led to the formation of the Thirteen Club
+four years ago. In his new position as President, Mr. Blanch has
+evidently resolved upon a more vigorous and aggressive campaign than
+that which has hitherto characterised the operations of the Club, for
+the New Year's dinner which is announced to take place on Saturday, the
+13th of January, promises to be something altogether unique as a social
+gathering. Mr. Harry Furniss, one of the hon. members of the Club, will
+preside at this dinner, which is announced to take place at the Holborn
+Restaurant, and in room No. 13. The members and their friends will
+occupy 13 tables, with of course 13 at each table, and perhaps needless
+to say peacock feathers will abound, whilst the knives and forks will be
+crossed, and any quantity of salt will be split. During the evening the
+toastmaster on this somewhat memorable occasion, instead of informing
+the assembled company that the Chairman will be happy to take wine with
+them, will vary this stereotyped declaration by announcing that the
+Chairman will be happy to spill salt with them. The Club salt-cellars,
+it is stated, are coffin-shaped, whilst the best 'dim religious light'
+obtainable from skull-shaped lamps will light up the banqueting-hall,
+before entering which the company will pass under the Club ladder. Other
+details too gruesome to mention will perhaps only be revealed to the
+company who will sit down to this weird feast, which promises to make a
+record, nothing of the kind having yet been attempted in London."</p>
+
+<p>These paragraphs rather frightened me. What had I let myself in for?
+Where would it all end?</p>
+
+<p>Then other notices, inspired no doubt by the President, made their
+appearance from time to time, and heaped upon my devoted head all manner
+of responsibilities. Waiters suffering from obliquity of vision were to
+be sought out and fastened on to me:</p>
+
+<p>"The Secretary of the London Thirteen Club has requested the manager of
+the Holborn Restaurant to provide, if possible, cross-eyed waiters on
+the occasion of the New Year's dinner of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span> the Club over which Mr. Harry
+Furniss is announced to preside on the 13th inst. Mr. Hamp, the manager,
+while undertaking that the Chairman's table shall be waitered as
+requested, has grave doubts whether the supply of waiters blessed in the
+way described will be equal to the large demand so suddenly sprung upon
+him."</p>
+
+
+
+<div class='centered'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" summary="THE BROKEN LOOKING-GLASS.">
+<tr>
+<td align='center'><img src="images/img272a.jpg" width="450" height="447"
+             alt="THE BROKEN LOOKING-GLASS." /><br />
+         </td>
+
+<td align='center'><img src="images/img272b.jpg" width="322" height="450"
+             alt="THE BADGE." /><br />
+         </td>
+</tr>
+<tr><td align='center'><small><b>THE BROKEN LOOKING-GLASS.</b></small></td><td align='center'><small><b>THE BADGE.</b></small></td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+<p>Other dreadful proposals there were, too, "too gruesome to mention." I
+may at once frankly admit that I do not like the introduction of the
+"gruesome" graveyard element. The ladder we all had to walk under, the
+peacock's feathers, the black cat, the spilling of salt, breaking of
+mirrors, presenting of knives, wearing of green ties (not that I wore
+one&mdash;the colour doesn't suit my complexion) or opal rings, are fair fun,
+and I think that in future it would be as well to limit the satire to
+these ceremonies, to the exclusion of the funereal part of the business.
+For badges each wore in his button-hole a small coffin to which dangled
+a skeleton, and peacock's feathers. In my opinion the peacock's feathers
+would have been sufficient for the purpose of the Club: the only object
+I had in going to the dinner was to help to prove that these stupid<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span>
+superstitions should be killed by ridicule. I detest Humbug, and
+Superstition is but another name for Humbug. I am a believer in
+cremation, but that is no reason why I should hold up to ridicule the
+clumsier and more unhealthy churchyard burials about which so much
+sentiment exists.</p>
+
+<p>It was amusing to note my absent superstitious friends' excuses for
+their non-appearance. One declined because he had an important
+engagement that he could not possibly put off on any account. Late on
+the evening of the dinner I heard this same gentleman grumbling because
+no one had turned up at his club to play a game of billiards with him!
+Another had fallen asleep and did not wake in time, and a third had been
+unlucky with his speculations of late, which he attributed to having
+seen the new moon through glass, and therefore he declined to tempt the
+fates further. Mr. George R. Sims, the well-known "Dagonet," betrayed
+sheer fright, as the following letter will testify:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">My Dear Sir</span>,&mdash;At the last moment my courage fails me, and I return
+the dinner ticket you have so kindly sent me.</p>
+
+<p>"If I had only myself to think of, I would gladly come and defy the
+fates, and do all that the members are pleased to do except wear
+the green necktie suggested by my friend Mr. Sala (that would not
+suit my complexion). But I have others to think of&mdash;dogs and cats
+and horses&mdash;who if anything happened to me would be alone in the
+world.</p>
+
+<p>"For their sakes I must not run the risks that a faithful carrying
+out of your programme implies.</p>
+
+<p>"Trusting that nothing very terrible will happen to any of you in
+after life,</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+"Believe me,<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 6em;">"Sincerely yours,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 14em;">"(Signed) <span class="smcap" >Geo. R. Sims</span>."</span>
+
+</p></div>
+
+<p><a name="WAITER" id="WAITER"></a></p>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 188px;">
+<img src="images/img274.jpg" width="188" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">SQUINT-EYED WAITER.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>I confess my real and only reason was to protest. In England
+superstition is harmlessly idiotic, but elsewhere it is cruel and
+brutal, and a committee should be formed to try the lunatics&mdash;everyday
+men of the world&mdash;who suffer from it, for there is no doubt that they
+and their families are made miserable through superstitious belief.
+Nothing kills like ridicule, and it is the Club's object by this means
+to kill superstition. Some, like Mr. Andrew Lang, may think it a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> pity
+to interfere with this humbug, but I venture to think it is a charity
+when one considers the absurdity of educated men of the present day
+making themselves unhappy through the stupid nonsense of the dark ages.
+For instance, take two of my most intimate friends. One in particular
+suffered in mind and body through having a supposed fatal number. This
+number was 56, and as he approached that age he felt that that year
+would be his last. Fancy that for a man of the world, who is also a
+public man, and a member of the Government at the time of the dinner! He
+was also a charming companion and a delightful friend, and no man I knew
+had a wider circle of acquaintance. I happened to accompany him in a six
+weeks' tour on the Continent during the year he believed fatal to him,
+or perhaps it may have been the year previous; anyway, he was suffering
+from that horrible complaint, superstition. He first made me aware of it
+the night we arrived in Paris by thumping at my door in a terrible state
+to implore me to change rooms with him&mdash;his number was 56, and it
+terrified him! Next day we travelled in a carriage numbered 56, and my
+friend was miserable. At the theatre his seat was 56, the ticket for his
+coat was 56, 56 was the number of the first shop he entered to buy some
+trifle I suggested to him. Indeed, I may at once confess that I took
+care that 56 should crop up as often as possible, as I thought that that
+would be the best way to cure the patient. Not a bit of it; he got
+worse, and was really ill until his 56th birthday was passed.</p>
+
+
+<p>To take the chair at this "most unique" banquet, as the papers styled
+it, was no easy task, and to be waited upon by cross-eyed menials was
+quite enough to make a sensitive,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> imitative being like myself very
+nervous. Some of this band of gentlemen who had neglected to go to the
+Ophthalmic Hospital seemed to consider that their being bought up for
+the occasion was a great honour, and one youth in particular, with black
+hair, a large sharp nose&mdash;and oh! such a squint!&mdash;whose duty it was to
+open the door of the reception-room, at which I stood to receive the
+guests as they arrived, was positively proud of his unfortunate
+disfigurement, and every time he opened the door he flashed his weirdly
+set eyes upon me to such an extent that I felt myself unintentionally
+squinting at every guest I shook hands with.</p>
+
+<p>When dinner was served a huge looking-glass was flung at my feet, where
+it shattered into a thousand fragments with a tremendous crash, giving
+one a shock so far removed from any superstitious feeling as to act on
+one as an appetiser before dinner.</p>
+
+<p>Then whilst everybody else is enjoying his dinner without let or
+hindrance, the poor Chairman has to hold himself prepared for various
+surprises. Telegrams of all sorts and descriptions were handed to me.</p>
+
+<p>But perhaps the most interesting of all the postal and telegraph
+deliveries brought me during the dinner was a letter from my old and
+valued friend "'Arry" of <i>Punch</i>, who had accepted an invitation, and
+was to have proposed the health of the Chairman, but unfortunately was
+laid up with a sore throat:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Try and make my kind and would-be hosts understand that as 'Arry
+would say, there is 'no kid about this.' I enclose a few doggerel
+verses penned painfully on a pad perched on a pillow, which&mdash;if you
+can read 'em&mdash;you are welcome to do so.</p>
+
+<div class="cpoem">
+<p>
+"My elbow's sore<br />
+And so no more<br />
+At present, from yore<br />
+Old friend (and bore)<br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap"  style="margin-left: 2em;">"E. J. Milliken</span>."<br />
+</p></div>
+
+</div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Here is the "painfully-penned" doggerel:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+<p class="author">
+"13 <i>Jany.</i>, 1894.</p>
+
+<h4>"THE LOST (VOCAL) CHORDS.</h4>
+
+<div class="cpoem1">
+<p>
+"Lying to-day on my pillow, I am weary and ill at ease,<br />
+And the Gargles fail to soothe me,<br />
+And the Inhalations tease. I know not what is the matter;<br />
+To swallow is perfect pain,<br />
+And my Vocal Chords seem palsied!&mdash;<br />
+Shall I ever use them again?<br />
+<br />
+"So I <i>can't</i> propose your health, friend,<br />
+Or drink to the 'Thirteen's' luck.<br />
+<i>I</i> must dine on&mdash;Eucalyptus,<br />
+And Sulphur, or some such muck.<br />
+<i>I</i> have no Salt to be spilling;<br />
+<i>My</i> only knife is a spoon;<br />
+And I have not the smallest notion<br />
+If there is, or isn't, a Moon!<br />
+<br />
+"But I picture you on your legs, there,<br />
+And the 'Thirteens' ranged around;<br />
+And I feel I <i>could</i> sound your praises,<br />
+If these Vocal Chords <i>would</i> sound.<br />
+But I know that in guttural gurgling<br />
+The point of my jokes you would miss;<br />
+If I tried to lead the cheers, friend,<br />
+<i>My</i> 'hooray' you'd take for a hiss.<br />
+<br />
+"So 'tis just as well as it is, friend,<br />
+And doubtless 'the other chap'<br />
+Will do you the fullest justice;<br />
+So I'll turn and try for a nap.<br />
+But before I resume my gargle,<br />
+And my throttle with unguents rub,<br />
+I'll drink&mdash;in a glass of Thirteen port&mdash;<br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span>To the health of the 'Thirteen Club.'<br />
+<br />
+"It may be that some bright Thirteenth<br />
+They may ask me to Dinner again;<br />
+It may be I then shall be able<br />
+To speak without perfect pain.<br />
+It may be my unstrung larynx<br />
+May speak once again <i>with words</i>:<br />
+For the present, excuse me&mdash;along of<br />
+My poor Lost (Vocal) Chords!!!"
+</p></div></div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 223px;">
+<img src="images/img277.jpg" width="223" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">COFFINS, SIR!</span>
+</div>
+
+<p style="margin-top: 3.5em;">I was relieved and amused to find one present even a little more
+embarrassed than myself. He was a rotund, happy-looking man of the
+world, and he had to sit isolated during part of the dinner, as his
+guests were afraid to attend the uncanny banquet. However, the
+Secretary, being a man of resource, ordered two of the cross-eyed
+attendants to fill the vacant places. I shall never forget the face of
+the poor man sandwiched between them. During the course of the dinner
+the black-edged business card of an "Undertaker and Funeral Furnisher,"
+of Theobald's Road, Bloomsbury, was brought to me. Under the impression
+that he had supplied the coffin-shaped salt-cellars, and wished to be
+paid for them, I sent to enquire his business, whereupon the undertaker
+sent me in the following telegram he had just received from Cambridge:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Call upon Harry Furniss this evening Holborn Restaurant Thirteen
+Club Dinner for orders <i>re</i> funeral arrangements."</p></div>
+
+
+<p>The receiver of the telegram, I learnt from his card, had been in
+business fifty-four years, but evidently this was the first time he had
+been the victim of this Theodore Hookish joke. I called<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span> the funeral
+furnisher in. Unobserved by the green-tied guests and the cross-eyed
+waiters, he walked through the banqueting hall, and as soon as he
+arrived at the chair, black-gloved, hat in hand, with the ominous foot
+rule projecting from the pocket of his funereal overcoat, I stood up and
+introduced him to the company, read the telegram, and invited him to go
+round the tables and take the orders. Whether it was that the man of
+coffins met the gaze of any particularly cross-eyed waiter, or was
+overcome by the laughter called forth by my solemn request&mdash;an outbreak
+foreign to the ears of a gentleman of his calling&mdash;I know not, but he
+promptly vanished. Later in the evening a request came from him for a
+present of one of the coffin-shaped salt-cellars, and no doubt the one I
+sent him will adorn his window for another fifty-four years, to the
+delight of the Cambridge undergraduates whose little joke was so
+successful.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 428px;">
+<img src="images/img278.jpg" width="428" height="600" alt="THE CHAIRMAN WILL BE PLEASED TO SPILL SALT WITH YOU." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE CHAIRMAN WILL BE PLEASED TO SPILL SALT WITH YOU.</span>
+<br /><i>From the "St. James's Budget."</i></div>
+
+
+<p>In place of the old-fashioned formula, "The Chairman will be pleased to
+drink wine with the gentlemen on his right," and then on his left, the
+Toastmaster had to announce that the Chairman would be pleased to "spill
+salt" with those on his right, etc.; but force of habit was too strong,
+and "drink wine" came out, and although this was corrected, it was
+strange that in some cases the guests held up their glasses and did not
+spill salt. Of course, throwing salt over the shoulder was prohibited;
+that superstitious operation would have been sufficient to disqualify
+any member.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 288px;">
+<img src="images/img279.jpg" width="288" height="400" alt="" title="" />
+<span class="caption">A KNIFE I WAS PRESENTED WITH.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Beside each member was placed a looking-glass, and in the course of the
+evening it went forth that "The Chairman will be pleased to shiver
+looking-glasses with the members," and smash! smash! went the
+mercury-coated glass all over the tables.</p>
+
+<p>It then fell to me to present each of the thirteen chairmen with a
+pen-knife, refusing of course the customary coin in return. I was
+presented with a ferocious-looking knife, with a multiplicity of blades
+and other adjuncts, which I treasure as a memento of the dinner.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>These are a few trifles I had to deal with in addition to the usual
+toasts, and I fervently trust it may never again be my lot to be called
+upon to take the chair at a "unique banquet" entailing such surprises
+and shocks and so many speeches:</p>
+
+<p>I proposed the loyal toast as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">
+The<br />
+Queen<br />
+Prince<br />
+and<br />
+Princess<br />
+of<br />
+Wales<br />
+and<br />
+rest<br />
+of<br />
+the<br />
+Royal<br />
+Family<br />
+13</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p>I had a point to make, but forgot it (oh, those squinting waiters!),
+showing that 1894 was a very unlucky year. However, any mathematician
+could prove that '94 = 9 + 4 = 13. <i>Q.E.D.</i> I might also have really
+utilised only thirteen words in giving the toast of the evening, as
+follows:</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+Enemies<br />
+of<br />
+Superstition<br />
+Ignorance<br />
+and<br />
+Humbug<br />
+drink<br />
+success<br />
+to<br />
+The<br />
+London<br />
+Thirteen<br />
+Club<br />
+-------<br />
+13<br />
+-------<br />
+-------<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>On my way to the Thirteen Club Dinner I met a well-known <i>Punch</i> artist,
+also a keen man of the world. I invited him. He started with horror.
+"Not for worlds! I <i>am</i> superstitious&mdash;never more so than at this
+moment. Why, do you know that this has been a most unlucky month with
+me? Everything has gone wrong, and I'll tell you why. The other night I
+woke up and went to my bedroom window to see what kind of a night it
+was&mdash;rash, stupid fool that I was! What do you think I saw?" "A
+burglar?" "Not a bit of it&mdash;I wouldn't have cared a pin for a brace of
+'em. I saw the new moon through glass! That's why everything's gone
+wrong with me. What a fool I was!" "What a fool you <i>are</i>!" I
+ejaculated, as I jumped into a hansom for room 13, recalling to mind
+that my fellow-worker was not the only humorist who has been
+superstitious.</p>
+
+<p>Albert Smith, the well-known author and entertainer, was very
+superstitious, and a curious incident has been related me by a friend
+who was present one night when Smith startled his friends by a most
+extraordinary instance of his fear of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span> supernatural. It was in the
+smoking-room of the old Fielding Club, on New Year's Eve, 1854. The
+bells were just ringing in the New Year when Smith suddenly started up
+and cried, "We are thirteen! Ring, ring for a waiter, or some of us will
+die before the year is out!" Before the attendant arrived the fatal New
+Year came in, and Smith's cup of bitterness was full to overflowing. Out
+of curiosity my friend wrote the names of all those present in his
+pocket-book. Half of them were ordered to the Crimean War, and fought
+throughout the campaign. No doubt Smith eagerly scanned the lists of
+killed and wounded in the papers, for as the waiter did not arrive in
+time to break the unlucky number, one of them was sure to meet his
+death. However, all the officers returned safe and sound, and most of
+them are alive now. The first man to depart this life was Albert Smith
+himself, and this did not happen until six and a half years afterwards.</p>
+
+<p>Correspondence from the superstitious and anti-superstitious poured in
+upon me. But I select a note received by the President some time before
+the dinner as the most interesting:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">Christiania, Norway</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Sir</span>,&mdash;I see you are going to have an anniversary dinner on the
+13th of this month, and I take the liberty to send you the
+following:</p>
+
+<p>"In 1873, March 20th, I left Liverpool in the steamship <i>Atlantic</i>,
+then bound for New York. On the 13th day, the 1st of April, we went
+on the rocks near Halifax, Nova Scotia. Out of nearly 1,000 human
+beings, 580 were frozen to death or drowned.</p>
+
+<p>"The first day out from Liverpool some ladies at my table
+discovered that we were thirteen, and in their consternation
+requested their gentleman-companion to move to another table. Out
+of the entire thirteen, I was the only one that was saved. I was
+asked at the time if I did not believe in the unlucky number
+thirteen. I told them I did not. In this case the believers were
+all lost and the unbeliever saved.</p>
+
+<p>"Out of the first-cabin passengers saved, I was one of the thirteen
+saved.</p>
+
+<p>"At the North-Western Hotel, in Liverpool, there can be found
+thirteen names in the book of passengers that left in the
+<i>Atlantic</i> on the 20th of March, 1873, for New York; amongst them
+my own. Every one of those passengers except myself were lost.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Now, if these memorandums about the number thirteen&mdash;by one that
+does not believe in it&mdash;is of any interest to you, it will please
+me very much.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+"I am, yours very truly,
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 6em;">"<span class="smcap">N. Brandt.</span></span><br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 12em;">"9, <span class="smcap">Kongens Gade</span>."</span><br />
+</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p>It is absurd to say that I have been unlucky since presiding at that
+dinner. On the contrary, I have been most lucky&mdash;I have never presided
+at another!</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<img src="images/img282.jpg" width="500" height="419" alt="" title="Tailpiece" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIV" id="CHAPTER_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV.</h2>
+
+<h3>THE CONFESSIONS OF AN EDITOR.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Editors&mdash;Publishers&mdash;An Offer&mdash;Why I Refused it&mdash;The <i>Pall Mall
+Budget</i>&mdash;<i>Lika Joko</i>&mdash;The <i>New Budget</i>&mdash;The Truth about my
+Enterprises&mdash;<i>Au Revoir</i>!</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Only the fortunate&mdash;or should we not rather say the unfortunate?&mdash;man
+who has made up his mind to produce a journal of his own can have the
+very faintest conception of the work and worry, the pains and penalties,
+the hopes and fears, the anxiety and exasperation, involved in the
+process. I have gone through it all, and perhaps something more than all
+by comparison with other people in the same peculiar predicament. For
+weeks before the promised periodical sees the light the unfortunate
+proprietor feels himself to be a very Atlas supporting Heaven knows how
+many cosmic schemes.</p>
+
+<p>The first editor of my acquaintance was a little boy in knickerbockers,
+with a lavish profusion of auburn locks, an old-fashioned physiognomy, a
+wiry if diminutive frame, and a quick, nervous temperament, whose
+youthful eyes had beheld the suns of fourteen summers.</p>
+
+<p>My last editor is one whose physique would be commonly qualified by the
+adjective <i>podgy</i>, of a full face, but with head somewhat depleted of
+its capillary adornments, for which deprivation it has to thank the
+snows of six-and-forty winters.</p>
+
+<p>Our intimacy has been of long standing, for my first and last editor is
+one and the same being&mdash;the present writer.</p>
+
+<p>From the day that I, as a little schoolboy, seated on the uncompromising
+school-form looked upon as a necessary adjunct to the inception of
+knowledge, produced in MS. and for private circulation only my first
+journalistic attempt, up to the present moment, I can confidently assert
+that during my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span> varied experience I never was brought into contact with
+a more interesting set of men than those I have seen stretched upon the
+editorial rack.</p>
+
+<p>The primary requirements which tend to make up the composition of an
+editor are good health, an impenetrably thick skin, and the best of
+humour. Secondly, he must be able to command experience, a thirst for
+work, and the power of application; and, thirdly, he must possess tact
+and discretion. A universal and comprehensive knowledge of human nature
+must also be his, for not only has he to be capable of judging and
+humouring the overstrung men and women of talent with whom he
+deals&mdash;those fragile, sensitive flowers from whom he extracts the honey
+wherewith to gratify the palate of a journalistically epicurean
+public&mdash;but he must also have a thorough knowledge of that public to
+enable him to direct those who work for him, for they, shut up in their
+studies and studios, may not realise that the man at the look-out has to
+weather the storms of public opinion, of which they reck little if it be
+that what they work at may be to their own liking, albeit unpalatable to
+those whom they seek to feed.</p>
+
+<p>Like poets, editors are born, not made. An editor may make a paper, but
+a paper never made an editor. But as to the commercial success or
+failure of a periodical, the editor is absolutely a nonentity. There are
+two sides to the production of a periodical: one is the business side,
+the other the editorial. The success or failure of a periodical depends
+almost entirely upon the business manager.</p>
+
+<p>One of the youngest and most successful newspaper proprietors once
+called me a fool. I wrote and asked him why. We had an interview. He
+said frankly: "You are a fool, in my opinion, for producing too good an
+article for the money. The public does not appreciate good work, and you
+will never make a commercial success of your paper. Your staff is too
+good; your printing is too good; your paper is too good. I am a success
+because I know where to buy paper cheap and sell it for a profit. I have
+thirty publications, but their names, their contents, writing, or art I
+never think about, nor does the public<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> either. We ink something on the
+paper, and sell it at so much a pound profit."</p>
+
+<p>But I had nothing whatever to do with the commercial side of the
+arrangements connected with ventures associated with my name. Ah! how
+little the public know what goes on behind the scenes in the newspaper
+world! If you stop a publication with which your name is associated,
+everyone at once, very properly, dubs you a failure. As what? An editor,
+of course. That is the mistake, the injustice. How many periodicals have
+the most talked of publishers started and stopped? Scores of them. Yet
+are they therefore failures? No, no more than the manager of a theatre
+is who produces a piece which runs a night or two and comes off. He
+still has his theatre, and other plays. So is it in the publishing
+world.</p>
+
+<p>It is the isolated editor, without the machinery of a big office, or the
+head of the man of commerce,&mdash;if he stops, from whatever cause, his one
+effort is the failure! The "successful publisher" stops a dozen new
+ventures in the same time, and he is still considered successful. A
+publisher is very much like a conjuror: he must start two or three
+tricks, so that if one is likely to go wrong he can draw the attention
+of the public off it by another, and the first is quickly dropped or
+reintroduced under another name. My one mistake in publishing was that
+having started a success, <i>Lika Joko</i>, I let it drop to take up another.
+But let my confessions on this subject be brief and in order.</p>
+
+<p>Before I had any notion of leaving <i>Punch</i> I had conceived an idea for a
+monthly magazine to be called <i>Lika Joko; Harry Furniss's Monthly</i>, and
+had already had a number of drawings engraved, specimen copies printed,
+and had gone to great expense in the preliminary work. Of course, the
+<i>Punch</i> men were to be the chief contributors, and Mr. E.J. Milliken was
+writing a great deal, and Mr. Bernard Partridge was illustrating for me.
+Shortly afterwards I retired from the staff of <i>Punch</i>. I was then
+approached by the proprietors of an influential daily and weekly paper
+to edit a sixpenny high-class weekly, and they offered to put down
+&pound;50,000 at once.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> This I would have willingly accepted, but it so
+happened that just at that time Mr. Astor reconstructed the <i>Pall Mall
+Budget</i>, regardless of expense&mdash;an extravagance with which no other
+paper could compete. In these circumstances I declined the offer. I soon
+found many friends to support me if I would start a paper connected
+solely with my name, but wishing to have the largest risk myself I took
+the largest share (over &pound;5,000 in cash), and allowed a few to join me.
+It was decided to drop the idea of a monthly and make it a humorous
+weekly.</p>
+
+
+<h4>LIKA JOKO.</h4>
+
+<p>That name was originated some years before by Mr. Burnand and myself
+jointly in a chaffing conversation. It was universally connected with
+me, but as it has been said that I had no right to use it, I here
+reproduce a document that settles any doubt on that point:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"This is to certify that Harry Furniss has the sole right to use
+the name of 'Lika Joko.' That he is at liberty to use it in any way
+he wishes, and no one else can adopt or utilise the name without
+his permission.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+"(Signed) <span class="smcap">F.C. Burnand</span>, Editor of <i>Punch</i>.<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 8em;">"<span class="smcap">Philip Leslie Agnew</span>,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 12em;">"For the Proprietors."</span><br />
+
+</p></div>
+
+<p>Wishing to be certain that the name "Lika Joko" was a wise one, I was
+advised to consult the leading editor of our largest publishing house.
+Strange to say, when I called he had on his wall rows of titles of
+publications under consideration. He looked at mine, and thought the
+matter over, then shook hands and told me there was a fortune in the
+title alone.</p>
+
+<p>A few years afterwards I heard to my dismay that the same great man
+declared the title I had selected was a fatal mistake!</p>
+
+<p>The first friend I consulted about capital suggested &pound;20,000. He was
+very rich, but said that he would only put cash in equal to what I
+myself would. I put down &pound;5,000, and he followed suit. I subsequently
+added more. The rest of the capital was found by various friends.</p>
+
+<p>My friends subsequently said that as I supplied the editorial<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> brains I
+ought not to have supplied the largest share of the capital!</p>
+
+<p>I was requested by my friends to introduce a business man, accustomed to
+publishing, and leave all business arrangements to him. My friends
+brought in two. Yet I am held responsible for the business arrangements
+made!</p>
+
+<p>Few new periodicals have caused more interest. The scene at the railway
+stations and book-stalls was unparalleled. We could not print quick
+enough to supply the demand. 140,000 copies went off in a few
+days&mdash;which, for a threepenny humorous journal, is a record.</p>
+
+<p>It is said I wrote the journal myself. I never wrote one line in it from
+the first number to the last. I had the best writers money could
+procure, and I venture to say it was the best-written paper of its class
+ever produced in England.</p>
+
+<p>It is said I illustrated it all myself!</p>
+
+<p>I had in the <i>first number</i> alone George du Maurier, Bernard Partridge,
+Fred Barnard, A. C. Corbould, W. Ralston, J. F. Sullivan, G. Ashton, W.
+D. Almond, J. B. Yeats, and myself. Ten artists!&mdash;eight of whom have
+contributed to <i>Punch</i>. In subsequent numbers I added work by Sir Frank
+Lockwood, Arthur Hopkins, Gordon Browne, W. Maud, W. F. Thomas, C.
+Richardson, Louis Wain, G. Montbard, James Greig, "Rab," Max Cowper, J.
+H. Roberts, Ren&eacute; Bull, S. Adamson, J. E. Donnison, W. H. Overend,
+Charles Burton Barber, A. T. Elwes, Hal Hurst, F. Miller, E. F. Skinner,
+George Morrow, J. Jellicoe, A. Greenbank, and others&mdash;in all nearly
+forty artists, and this in six months!</p>
+
+<p>I have another inaccuracy to nail to the counter of Dame False Rumour's
+shop. That I stopped <i>Lika Joko</i> because it was a failure.</p>
+
+<p>The facts about this incident are brief and instructive.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Astor stopped his artistic weekly, the <i>Pall Mall Budget</i>, suddenly.
+It so happened it was printed in the same office as <i>Lika Joko</i>. This
+very paper, which had prevented me accepting the editorship of the
+proposed new sixpenny weekly paper, and had driven me into publishing a
+threepenny<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span> weekly, was "put to bed" (to use a printer's phrase) week
+after week side by side with mine. I was sent for one Saturday morning.
+The expensive sixpenny child was to die that day. Could I not adopt it?
+There was a chance&mdash;splendid circulation, splendid returns for
+advertisements.</p>
+
+<p>Why then does Mr. Astor discontinue it?</p>
+
+<p>Because, I was told, Mrs. Astor had just died,&mdash;it was so dear to her
+that Mr. Astor felt he could not continue it, for purely sentimental
+reasons.</p>
+
+<p>This was pathetically explained to me. It was so natural. Yet why should
+such a splendid paper cease when I had a large proprietor with capital
+waiting to start one? I was the man. So I was told, and so I believed,
+and so I proved to be. Not a moment was to be lost. I was with Sir
+George Lewis. Has Mr. Astor any objection? He thought certainly not.</p>
+
+<p>I therefore engaged the same staff, the same printers, the same paper
+and machines were used. The paper, with the exception that the title was
+changed from the <i>Pall Mall</i> to the <i>New Budget</i>, came out in four
+days&mdash;the following Wednesday morning. Sir William Ingram was the first
+to purchase a copy. The whole edition was sold out before sunset. I have
+been assured that this was the smartest journalistic feat on record.</p>
+
+<p>I then sought the people whom I had advised not to oppose this very
+paper, but they were on the Continent. I would bring it out and await
+their return. They did return. But it unfortunately happened that in the
+meantime they had speculated in one of those American imported "booms"
+of illustrated literature and lost!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lika Joko</i> came out too, and I immediately met all the members of my
+company and placed both papers before them, my <i>New Budget</i> and our
+joint property <i>Lika Joko</i>. The result was the following announcement in
+the next week's issue of the latter:</p>
+
+<h4>"A FAREWELL FABLE.</h4>
+
+<p>"Once upon a time there was a wealthy shipowner who possessed one of the
+best vessels on the seas. Her name was the <i>Pall Mall Budget</i>. Week
+after week she left port, well<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span> manned, well rigged, laden with
+passengers, and made a prosperous voyage. No vessel in her own line was
+better built and appointed, and gradually she drew away those people who
+once had travelled by her rivals, and carried them herself.</p>
+
+<p>"And then, one day, without assigning any reason, the shipowner forbade
+her ever again to leave port, and nothing could shake his resolve.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, there was at this time also afloat a merry little passenger boat
+which made a weekly cruise in waters only occasionally entered by the
+larger vessel, and her name was <i>Lika Joko</i>. No sooner did the news of
+the great shipowner's decision reach the ears of the captain of the
+<i>Lika Joko</i> than he made all sail for port, drew up alongside of the
+<i>Pall Mall Budget</i>, and boarded her.</p>
+
+<p>"Then he asked her captain and crew, who were all regretful at the loss
+of their vessel, if they would put to sea again in a vessel built by
+himself, as like the <i>Pall Mall Budget</i> as might be, but, if anything,
+swifter, more trim, with later improvements to make the passage easier
+and more entertaining to all on board. And they agreed.</p>
+
+<p>"Forthwith he set about giving his orders, and so heartily did everyone
+work that a week later, in fair weather, and to the surprise of all
+spectators, this vessel, which was christened the <i>New Budget</i>, crossed
+the harbour bar and made one of the best passages on record, leaving the
+competing craft far behind, and carrying on board not only the old
+passengers of the <i>Pall Mall Budget</i>, but those of the <i>Lika Joko</i> as
+well, and many new ones. 'Henceforth,' said the captain of the <i>Lika
+Joko</i>, who had now become the captain of the <i>New Budget</i>, 'we will set
+our sails every Thursday morning.'"</p>
+
+<p>Little did I think the change was a fable. I had not long to wait to
+find I had been utterly deceived. According to Mr. Astor, his reason for
+his stopping his expensive paper was not as stated! As soon as I
+discovered this I called together my friends, and as they would have to
+supply a huge capital to carry on the <i>Budget</i>, and as I had been
+deceived, it was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> arranged that they should retire with their unused
+capital, and I carried on the <i>New Budget</i> with my own capital of
+&pound;6,000. The paper cost me &pound;100 a day&mdash;&pound;700 each number. I had the best
+artists, the best writers, the best printers&mdash;the same as Mr. Astor&mdash;but
+here comes in my difficulty. As I had amalgamated <i>Lika Joko</i> with the
+<i>New Budget</i>, I was legally bound to the contract made with the
+advertising manager. That contract worked out in nearly every case at 40
+per cent. commission for advertisement. That finished me. Was that
+editorial or business? I think the latter. Was I to blame? I think not.</p>
+
+<p>As the American millionaire had discovered before me that it was
+impossible to give a shillingsworth for sixpence (although I ran it for
+a longer period than he did), I ceased its publication. Few papers, it
+has been said, were more admired than this artistic and refined <i>New
+Budget</i>, and I take this opportunity of denying that it was in any way a
+failure compared with papers in existence for years still losing money,
+and I am sincerely proud of my contribution to the publishing of
+periodicals. But had I not been deceived, and dropped <i>Lika Joko</i>, that
+paper would now have been a splendid property.</p>
+
+<p>I confess that the financial loss, severe to a professional man who has
+made it all by his own hand, was not what upset me. I am not a
+gambler&mdash;I never bet a shilling in my life&mdash;but I thought better of my
+fellow-men than they deserve. What did trouble me was that I never was
+given credit for my pluck. I was, and I am still, grossly misrepresented
+by a certain section of journalists. When the <i>Pall Mall Budget</i> was
+discontinued, was it written down a failure? No, certainly not. A
+pathetic excuse was manufactured. That excuse was as clever as it was
+untrue, as I discovered to my cost.</p>
+
+<p>I think the man who stepped in single-handed, saved the <i>Pall Mall
+Budget</i> as I did to the benefit of contributors, printers, and
+paper-makers, who then strangled his own child-paper and gave all the
+money at his disposal to keep the <i>Budget</i> going, who was deserted by
+his Company in consequence&mdash;they taking with them their remaining
+capital&mdash;who fought on, and lost thousands<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span> and thousands of pounds more
+of his own money, who worked night and day for months without any
+encouragement, any return, who discovered he had been deceived all
+round, and then, finding this, paid everyone every penny and said
+nothing, but turned round and went on with his own professional work, is
+surely a man at least to be respected; certainly not the man to be
+belittled, misrepresented, and maligned by brother workers.</p>
+
+<p>I have other matters to confess regarding my experiences of
+publishing&mdash;but they will keep. I am anxious, however, that the facts
+recorded in this chapter should be known, as a warning to others who
+like myself, being a successful editor, imagine that editing can make a
+commercial success without a commercial pilot. I paid for my
+experience&mdash;I do not regret it.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 301px;">
+<img src="images/img291.jpg" width="301" height="500" alt="" title="Au Revoir" />
+</div>
+
+<div class="footnotes">
+
+<h4>FOOTNOTE</h4>
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a> Soden's "Rap at the R.A."</p></div>
+</div>
+<p class="center">BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of a Caricaturist, Vol
+2 (of 2), by Harry Furniss
+
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@@ -0,0 +1,9604 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of a Caricaturist, Vol 2
+(of 2), by Harry Furniss
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Confessions of a Caricaturist, Vol 2 (of 2)
+
+Author: Harry Furniss
+
+Release Date: September 20, 2007 [EBook #22689]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CARICATURIST ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Janet Blenkinship and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ [Illustration: AN ARTISTIC JOKE.
+
+ _A London Slum. My Parody of the Venetian School._]
+
+
+
+
+ THE CONFESSIONS OF A CARICATURIST
+
+ BY
+
+ HARRY FURNISS
+
+ _ILLUSTRATED_
+
+
+ VOLUME II
+
+
+ [Illustration]
+
+
+
+ NEW YORK AND LONDON:
+
+ HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS.
+
+ 1902.
+
+
+
+
+ BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS,
+
+ LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+ _All rights reserved._
+
+ December, 1901.
+
+
+
+
+ CONTENTS.
+
+
+ CHAPTER VIII.
+
+ THE ARTISTIC JOKE.
+
+ The First Idea--How it was Made--"Fire!"--I am a Somnambulist--My
+  Workshop--My Business "Partner"--Not by Gainsborough--Lord Leighton--The
+  Private View--The Catalogue--Sold Out--How the R.A.'s Took It--How a
+  Critic Took It--Curious Offers--Mr. Sambourne as a Company Promoter--A
+  One-man Show--_Punch's_ Mistake--A Joke within a Joke--My Offer to the
+  Nation
+                                                               _pp._ 1--25
+
+
+ CHAPTER IX.
+
+ CONFESSIONS OF A COLUMBUS.
+
+ The Cause of my Cruise--No Work--The Atlantic Greyhound--Irish
+  Ship--Irish Doctor--Irish Visitors--Queenstown--A
+  Surprise--Fiddles--Edward Lloyd--Lib--Chess--The Syren--The American
+  Pilot--Real and Ideal--Red Tape--Bribery--Liberty--The Floating Flower
+  Show--The Bouquet--A Bath and a Bishop--"Beastly Healthy"--Entertainment
+  for Shipwrecked Sailors--Passengers--Superstition.
+
+ AMERICA IN A HURRY--Harry Columbus Furniss--The Inky Inquisition--First
+  Impressions--Trilby--Tempting Offers--Kidnapped--Major
+  Pond--Sarony--Ice--James B. Brown--Fire!--An Explanation.
+
+ WASHINGTON--Mr. French of Nowhere--Sold--Interviewed--The Sporting
+  Editor--Hot Stuff--The Capitol--Congress--House of Representatives--The
+  Page Boys--The Agent--Filibuster--The "Reccard"--A
+  Pandemonium--Interviewing the President.
+
+ CHICAGO--The Windy City--Blowers--Niagara--Water and Wood--Darkness to
+  Light--My Vis-a-Vis--Mr. Punch--My Driver--It Grows upon
+  Me--Inspiration--Harnessing Niagara--The Three Sisters--Incline
+  Railway--Captain Webb.
+
+ TRAVELLING--Tickets--Thirst--Sancho Panza--Proclaimed States--"The
+  Amurrican Gurl"--A Lady Interviewer--The English Girl--A Hair
+  Restorer--Twelfth Night Club Reception at a Ladies' Club--The Great
+  Presidential Election--Sound Money _v._ Free Silver--Slumland--Detective
+  O'Flaherty.
+
+                                                             _pp._ 26--130
+
+
+ CHAPTER X.
+
+ AUSTRALIA.
+
+ Quarantined--The Receiver-General of Australia--An Australian
+  Guide-book--A Death Trap--A Death Story--The New Chum--Commercial
+  Confessions--Mad Melbourne--Hydrophobia--Madness--A Land Boom--A Paper
+  Panic--Ruin.
+
+ SYDNEY--The Confessions of a Legislator--Federation--Patrick Francis
+  Moran.
+
+ ADELAIDE--Wanted, a Harbour--Wanted, an
+  Expression--Zoological--Guinea-pigs--Paradise!--Types--Hell Fire
+  Jack--The Horse--The Wrong Room!                          _pp._ 131--153
+
+
+ CHAPTER XI.
+
+ PLATFORM CONFESSIONS.
+
+ Lectures and Lecturers--The Boy's Idea--How to Deliver It--The
+  Professor--The Actors--My First Platform--Smoke--Cards--On the
+  Table--Nurses--Some Unrehearsed Effects--Dress--A Struggle with a
+  Shirt--A Struggle with a Bluebottle--Sir William Harcourt Goes out--My
+  Lanternists Go Out--Chairmen--The Absent Chairman--The Ideal
+  Chairman--The Political Chairman--The Ignorant
+  Chairman--Chestnuts--Misunderstood--Advice to Those about to Lecture--I
+  am Overworked--"'Arry to Harry."                           _pp._ 154-189
+
+
+ CHAPTER XII.
+
+ MY CONFESSIONS AS A "REFORMER."
+
+ Portraiture Past and Present--The National Portrait Gallery
+  Scandal--Fashionable Portraiture--The Price of an Autograph--Marquis
+  Tseng--"So That's My Father!"--Sala Attacks Me--My Retort--Du Maurier's
+  Little Joke--My Speech--What I Said and What I Did Not Say--Fury of
+  Sala--The Great Six-Toe Trial--Lockwood Serious--My Little
+  Joke--Nottingham Again--Prince of Journalists--Royal Academy Antics--An
+  Earnest Confession--My Object--My Lady
+  Oil--Congratulations--Confirmations--The Tate Gallery--The Proposed
+  Banquet--The P.R.A. and Modern Art--My Confessions in the Central
+  Criminal Court--Cricket in the Park--Reform!--All About that Snake--The
+  Discovery--The Capture--Safe--The Press--Mystery--Evasive--Experts--I
+  Retaliate--The _Westminster Gazette_--The Schoolboy--The
+  Scare--Sensation--Death--Matters Zoological--Modern Inconveniences--Do
+  Women Fail in Art?--Wanted a Wife                          _pp._ 190-234
+
+
+ CHAPTER XIII.
+
+ THE CONFESSIONS OF A DINER.
+
+ My FirstCity Dinner--A Minnow against the Stream--Those Table Plans--Chaos
+  --The City Alderman, Past and Present--Whistler's Lollipops--Odd
+  Volumes--Exchanging Names--Ye Red Lyon Clubbe--The Pointed
+  Beard--Baltimore Oysters--The Sound Money Dinner--To Meet General
+  Boulanger--A Lunch at Washington--No Speeches.
+
+ THE THIRTEEN CLUB--What it was--How it was Boomed--Gruesome
+  Details--Squint-Eyed Waiters--Superstitious Absentees--My Reasons for
+  being Present--'Arry of _Punch_--The Lost "Vocal" Chords--The
+  Undergraduate and the Undertaker--Model Speeches--Albert Smith--An
+  Atlantic Contradiction--The White Horse--The White Feather--Exit 13
+                                                             _pp._ 235-271
+
+
+ CHAPTER XIV.
+
+ THE CONFESSIONS OF AN EDITOR.
+
+ Editors--Publishers--An Offer--Why I Refused it--The _Pall Mall Budget_
+  --_Lika Joko_--The _New Budget_--The Truth about my Enterprises--
+  _Au Revoir!_                                               _pp._ 272-280
+
+
+ [Illustration: HARRY FURNISS'S (EGYPTIAN STYLE). _From "Punch."_]
+
+
+
+
+ LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
+
+
+                                                                     PAGE
+
+ An Artistic Joke. A London Slum. My Parody of the
+  Venetian School.                                         _Frontispiece._
+
+ My Studio during the Progress of "An Artistic Joke"                    1
+
+ Harry Furniss's Royal Academy                                          3
+
+ Throwing myself into it                                                5
+
+ Fire!                                                                  6
+
+ The Pictures by R. Macbeth:
+   Potato Gang in the Fens;
+   Twitch-burning in the Fens;
+   A Flood in the Fens                                                  8
+
+ Macbeth in the Fens                                                    9
+
+ Letter from the President of the Royal Academy                        11
+
+ "An Artistic Joke"                                                    15
+
+ Mr. Sambourne's Prospectus                                            18
+
+ Cover of "How he did it"                                              20
+
+ Initial "T"                                                           20
+
+ My Portrait. Frontispiece for "How he did it"                         21
+
+ Harry Furniss and his "Lay Figure"                                    22
+
+ Letter from the President of the Royal Academy                        25
+
+ Initial "I"                                                           26
+
+ A "T--Tonic"                                                          27
+
+ An Atlantic "Greyhound."                                              28
+
+ The Saloon of the _Teutonic_. The First Morning at Breakfast          30
+
+ At Queenstown--A Reminiscence                                         33
+
+ Bog-Oak Souvenirs                                                     34
+
+ The Captain's Table                                                   36
+
+ Not up in a Balloon                                                   38
+
+ Chess                                                                 40
+
+ Mr. Lloyd and the Lady. "If you will sing, _I_ will!"                 42
+
+ The American Pilot--Ideal                                             43
+
+ The American Pilot--Real                                              43
+
+ The Health Officer comes on Board                                     45
+
+ Just in Time                                                          46
+
+ "A Floating Flower Show"                                              47
+
+ The Bath Steward and the Bishop. "Your Time, Sir! Your Time!"         48
+
+ Americans and English on Deck                                         49
+
+ American Interviewing--Imaginary                                      52
+
+ American Interviewing--Real                                           53
+
+ "Sandy."                                                              55
+
+ Chiropody                                                             57
+
+ "New Trilby."                                                         58
+
+ "Amiable Mr. Harry Furniss"                                           59
+
+ Major Pond                                                            59
+
+ The Great Sarony                                                      61
+
+ James B. Brown                                                        63
+
+ Fire!                                                                 65
+
+ The Alarm                                                             67
+
+ The Throne in the Senate                                              72
+
+ The Throne, House of Representatives                                  73
+
+ Initial "T"                                                           74
+
+ The House of Representatives                                          75
+
+ An ex-Speaker                                                         77
+
+ An ex-Minister                                                        80
+
+ Anglophobia                                                           82
+
+ The President--Ideal                                                  83
+
+ The President--Real                                                   83
+
+ Initial "A"                                                           84
+
+ A Buffalo Girl                                                        84
+
+ President Harrison's Reply                                            85
+
+ Mr. Punch at Niagara                                                  86
+
+ Hebe                                                                  86
+
+ My Driver                                                             87
+
+ Fra' Huddersfield                                                     87
+
+ Niagara growing upon Me                                               88
+
+ I admire the great Horseshoe Fall                                     89
+
+ Jonathan harnessing Niagara                                           90
+
+ "The Three Sisters."                                                  91
+
+ Inclined Railway, Niagara                                             92
+
+ Where Captain Webb was Killed                                         93
+
+ Tourists                                                              94
+
+ American Travelling. Nothing to Eat                                   96
+
+ American Travelling. Nothing to Drink                                 97
+
+ Sleep(!)                                                             100
+
+ A Washington Lady                                                    102
+
+ A Lady Interviewer                                                   104
+
+ A Sketch at "Del's"                                                  105
+
+ Young America                                                        106
+
+ An American Menu                                                     107
+
+ My Portrait--_in the Future_                                         108
+
+ I am Entertained at the Twelfth Night Club                           110
+
+ Reception at a Ladies' Club                                          112
+
+ Wife and Husband                                                     113
+
+ A Dream of the White House                                           114
+
+ The Political Quartette                                              116
+
+ After the Great Parade: "Am I to sit on an ordinary seat to-night?"  120
+
+ Italians                                                             123
+
+ Where the Deed was done!                                             125
+
+ "A Youth with a Crutch"                                              127
+
+ In an Opium Joint                                                    128
+
+ "In His Own Black Art"                                               128
+
+ "Hitting the Pipe"                                                   129
+
+ "Good-bye"                                                           130
+
+ Initial "W"                                                          131
+
+ Coaling                                                              132
+
+ Quarantine                                                           133
+
+ Initial "T"                                                          134
+
+ Sleepy Hollow                                                        135
+
+ Prospectors                                                          138
+
+ Quarantine Island                                                    141
+
+ I am invited to present myself                                       143
+
+ Landing at Adelaide                                                  148
+
+ Pondicherry Vultures                                                 150
+
+ The Maid of the Inn                                                  150
+
+ The Way into Paradise                                                151
+
+ Paradise                                                             151
+
+ Adam and Eve                                                         152
+
+ A Type                                                               153
+
+ Queen's Hall, London. I was the first to speak from the Platform     154
+
+ "Parliament by Day"                                                  156
+
+ "Parliament by Night"                                                157
+
+ Miss Mary Anderson                                                   159
+
+ Initial "By"                                                         159
+
+ Giving My "Humours of Parliament" to the Nurses                      162
+
+ Speaker Brand, afterwards Viscount Hampden                           164
+
+ The Surprise Shirt                                                   166
+
+ Discovered!                                                          168
+
+ The Fly in the Camera                                                169
+
+ Late Arrivals                                                        171
+
+ Reserved Seats                                                       172
+
+ Chairman No. 1                                                       174
+
+ Chairman No. 2                                                       177
+
+ The Pumpkin--a Chestnut                                              178
+
+ In "The Humours of Parliament." Ballyhooley Pathetic                 181
+
+ Harry Furniss as a Pictorial Entertainer                             182
+
+ "Grandolph ad Leones." Reduction of a Page Drawing for _Punch_ made by
+ me whilst travelling by Train                                        185
+
+ Down with Dryasdust                                                  189
+
+ From a Photo by Debenham and Gould                                   190
+
+ G. A. Sala                                                           195
+
+ "Art Critic of the _Daily Telegraph_"                                199
+
+ Counsel for the Plaintiff                                            200
+
+ Mr. F. C. Gould's Sketch in the _Westminster_, which Sala
+  maintained was mine                                                 200
+
+ Defendant                                                            202
+
+ My Hat                                                               202
+
+ The Plaintiff                                                        203
+
+ The Editor of _Punch_ supports me                                    203
+
+ Sir F. Lockwood and Myself                                           204
+
+ "Six Toes" Signature                                                 205
+
+ The Sequel--I Distribute the Prizes at Nottingham                    205
+
+ Initial "T"                                                          206
+
+ The See-Saw Antic                                                    207
+
+ The first P.R.A.                                                     209
+
+ No Water-Colour or Black-and-White need apply                        210
+
+ A National Academy                                                   211
+
+ The Central Criminal Court. From _Punch_                             215
+
+ "Thank Y-o-o-u!"                                                     216
+
+ Regent's Park as it was. From _Punch_. A Rough Sketch on Wood        217
+
+ The Late Mr Bartlett                                                 220
+
+ Sketch by Mr. F. C. Gould                                            223
+
+ The Lady and Her Snakes                                              226
+
+ Do Women fail in Art--The Chrysalis                                  228
+
+ The Butterfly                                                        230
+
+ Early Victorian Art                                                  232
+
+ Young Lady's Portrait of her Brother                                 233
+
+ Waiting                                                              234
+
+ Initial "P"                                                          235
+
+ Menu of the Dinner given to me by the Lotos Club, New York           237
+
+ Alderman--Ideal. Real                                                239
+
+ J. Whistler, after a City Dinner (Drawn with my Left Hand)           241
+
+ An Odd Volume                                                        241
+
+ My Design for Sette of Odd Volumes                                   242
+
+ My Design (reduced) for the Dinner of Ye Red Lyon Clubbe             243
+
+ A Distinguished "Lyon"                                               243
+
+ Headpiece and Initial "S"                                            245
+
+ A Sound Money Dinner                                                 249
+
+ A Sketch of Boulanger                                                251
+
+ Address of Boulanger's Retreat                                       252
+
+ A Note on My Menu                                                    253
+
+ Remarkable and much-talked-of Lunch to me at Washington.
+  The Autographs on back of Menu                                      254
+
+ Mr. Punch and his Dog Toby                                           256
+
+ A Memorandum in Pencil                                               258
+
+ Thirteen Club Banquet. The Table Decorations                         259
+
+ Mr. W. H. Blanch                                                     260
+
+ The Broken Looking-Glass                                             261
+
+ The Badge                                                            261
+
+ Squint-Eyed Waiter                                                   263
+
+ Coffins, Sir!                                                        266
+
+ "The Chairman will be Pleased to Spill Salt with You."
+  From the _St. James's Budget_                                       267
+
+ A Knife I was Presented with                                         268
+
+ Tailpiece                                                            271
+
+ "Au Revoir"                                                          280
+
+
+
+
+CONFESSIONS OF A CARICATURIST.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE ARTISTIC JOKE.
+
+[Illustration: MY STUDIO DURING THE PROGRESS OF "AN ARTISTIC JOKE."]
+
+     The First Idea--How it was Made--"Fire!"--I am a Somnambulist--My
+     Workshop--My Business "Partner"--Not by Gainsborough--Lord
+     Leighton--The Private View--The Catalogue--Sold Out--How the R.A.'s
+     Took It--How a Critic Took It--Curious Offers--Mr. Sambourne as a
+     Company Promoter--A One-man Show--_Punch's_ Mistake--A Joke within
+     a Joke--My Offer to the Nation.
+
+
+"_In the year 1887 he startled the town and made a Society sensation by
+means of an exceedingly original enterprise which any man of less
+audacious and prodigious power of work would have shrunk from in its
+very inception. For years this Titanic task was in hand. This was his
+celebrated 'artistic joke,' the name given by the 'Times' to a bold
+parody on a large scale of an average Royal Academy Exhibition. This
+great show was held at the Gainsborough Gallery, New Bond Street, and
+consisted of some eighty-seven pictures of considerable size, executed
+in monochrome, and presenting to a marvelling public travesties--some
+excruciatingly humorous and daringly satirical, others really exquisite
+in their rendering of physical traits and landscape features--of the
+styles, techniques, and peculiar choice of subjects of a number of the
+leading artists, R.A.'s and others, who annually exhibit at Burlington
+House. It was a surprise, even to his intimate friends, who, with one or
+two exceptions, knew nothing about it until the announcement that Mr.
+Furniss had his own private Royal Academy appeared in the 'Times.' He
+worked in secret at intervals, under a heavy strain, to get the
+Exhibition ready, particularly as he had to manage the whole of the
+business part; for the show at the Gainsborough Gallery was entirely his
+own speculation. Granted that the experiment was daring, yet the
+audacity of the artist fascinated people. Nor did the Academicians, whom
+some thought would have been annoyed at the fun, as a body resent it.
+They were not so silly, though a minority muttered. Most of them saw
+that Mr. Furniss was not animated by any desire to hold them up to
+contempt, but his parodies were perfectly good-natured, that he had
+served all alike, and that he had only sought the advancement of English
+art. During the whole season the gallery was crushed to overflowing, the
+coldest critics were dazzled, the public charmed, and literally all
+London laughed. It furnished the journalistic critics of the country
+with material for reams of descriptive articles and showers of personal
+paragraphs, and whether relished or disrelished by particular members of
+the artistic profession, at least proved to them, as to the world at
+large, the varied powers (in some phases hitherto unsuspected) and
+exuberant energies of the Harry Furniss whose name was now on the tongue
+and whose bold signature was familiar to the eyes of that not easily
+impressed entity, the General Public._
+
+_"In fact, London had never seen anything so original as Harry Furniss's
+Royal Academy. The work of one man, and that man one of the busiest
+professional men in town. Indeed it might be thought that at the age of
+thirty, with all the foremost magazines and journals waiting on his
+leisure, with a handsome income and an enviable social position assured,
+ambition could hardly live in the bosom of an artist in black and white.
+Unlike Alexander, our hero did not sit down and weep that no kingdom
+remained to conquer, but set quietly to work to create a new realm all
+his own. His Royal Academy, although presented by himself to the public
+as an 'artistic joke,' showed that he could not only use the brush on a
+large scale, but that he could compose to perfection, and after the
+exuberant humour of the show, nothing delighted and surprised the
+public more than the artistic quality and finished technique in much of
+the work, a finish far and away above the work of any caricaturist of
+our time."_
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The idea first occurred to me at a friend's house, when my host after
+dinner took me into the picture gallery to show me a portrait of his
+wife just completed by Mr. Slapdash, R.A. It stood at the end of the
+gallery, the massive frame draped with artistic care, while attendants
+stood obsequiously round, holding lights so as to display the _chef
+d'[oe]uvre_ to the utmost advantage. As I beheld the picture for the
+first time I was simply struck dumb by the excessively bad work which it
+contained. The dictates of courtesy of course required that I should say
+all the civil things I could about it, but I could hardly repress a
+smile when I heard someone else pronounce the portrait to be charming.
+However, as my host seemed to think that perhaps I was too near, and
+that the work might gain in enchantment if I gave it a little distance,
+we moved towards the other end of the gallery and, at his suggestion,
+looked into an antiquated mirror, where I got in the half light what
+seemed a reflection of it. The improvement was obvious, and I told my
+friend so. I told him that the effect was now so lifelike that the
+figure seemed to be moving; but when he in turn gazed into the glass he
+explained somewhat testily that I was not looking at his wife's portrait
+at all, but at the white parrot in the cage hard by. The moral of this
+incident is that if patrons of art in their pursuit of eccentricities
+will pay large sums to an artist for placing a poor portrait in a
+massive frame with drapery hanging round it in the most approved modern
+style, and be satisfied with such a result, they must not be surprised
+if a parrot should be mistaken for a framed type of beauty. I was,
+however, not satisfied until I had examined the picture in question
+closely and honestly in the full light of day, when I saw that Mr.
+Slapdash, R.A., had sold his autograph and a soiled canvas in lieu of a
+portrait to my rich but too easily pleased friend.
+
+As I walked back into the drawing-room, one of the musical humorists of
+the day was cleverly taking off the weak points of his brother
+musicians, and bringing out into strong light their peculiarities and
+faults of style. The entertainment, however, did not tend to raise my
+drooping spirits, for I was sad to think how low our modern art had
+sunk, and with a heavy heart and a sigh for the profession I pursue, I
+went sadly home. Of course my pent-up feelings had to find relief, so my
+poor wife had to listen to an extempore lecture which I then and there
+delivered to her on portraiture past and present--a lecture which I fear
+would hardly commend itself to the Association for the Advancement of
+British Art. Further, I asked myself why should I not take a leaf out of
+the musical humorist's book and like him expose the tricks and
+eccentricities of British art in the present day?
+
+The following morning, being a man of action as well as of word, I
+started my "Artistic Joke." I was determined to keep the matter secret,
+so I worked with my studio doors closed, and as each picture was
+finished it was placed behind some heavy curtains, secure from
+observation, and I kept my secret for three years, until the work was
+complete.
+
+I soon found that I had set myself a task of no little magnitude. Before
+I could really make a start I had to examine each artist's work
+thoroughly. I studied specimens of the work of each at various periods
+of his or her career. I had to discover their mannerisms, their
+idiosyncrasies and ideas, if they had any, their tricks of brushwork,
+and all the technicalities of their art. Then I designed a picture
+myself in imitation of each artist. In a very few instances only did I
+parody an actual work. This fact was generally lost sight of by those
+who visited the Exhibition. The public imagined that I simply took a
+certain picture of a particular artist and burlesqued it. I did this
+certainly in the case of Millais' "Cinderella" and one or two others;
+but in the vast majority of the works exhibited, even in Marcus Stone's
+"Rejected Addresses," which appeared to so many as if it must have been
+a direct copy of some picture of his, the idea was entirely evolved out
+of my own imagination. In thinking out the various pictures I devoted
+the greatest care to accuracy of detail. I was particular as to the
+shape of each, and even went so far as to obtain frames in keeping with
+those used by the different artists. Of course it was out of the
+question for me to do the pictures in colour, which would have required
+a lifetime, and probably tempted me to break faith with my idea; not to
+mention the fact that I should in that case most likely have sent the
+collection to the Academy, of which obtuse body, if there is any justice
+in it, I must then naturally have been elected a full-blown member.
+
+[Illustration: THROWING MYSELF INTO IT.]
+
+In order to get the Exhibition finished in time, I often had to work far
+into the night, and on one occasion when I was thus secretly engaged in
+my studio upon these large pictures until the small hours, I remember a
+catastrophe very nearly happened which would have put a finishing touch
+of a very different kind to that which I intended, not only to the
+picture, but to the artist himself. It happened thus. About three
+o'clock in the morning, long after the household had retired to rest, I
+became conscious of a smell of burning. I made a minute search round the
+studio, but could not discover the slightest indication of an incipient
+conflagration. Then a dreadful thought occurred to me. Beneath the
+studio is a vault, access to which is gained by a trap-door in the
+floor. Could it be that the secret of my "Artistic Joke" had become
+common property in the artistic world, and that some vindictive
+Academician, bent upon preventing the impending caricature of his _chef
+d'[oe]uvre_, was even now, like another Guy Fawkes, concealed below, and
+in the dead of night was already commencing his diabolical attempt to
+roast me alive in the midst of my caricatures? Up went the trap-door,
+and with candle in hand I explored the vault. The result was to calm my
+apprehensions upon this score, for there was no one there. Still
+mystified as to where the smell of fire, now distinctly perceptible,
+came from, I next walked round the outside of my studio, exciting
+evident suspicion in the mind of the policeman on his beat. No, there
+was not a spark to be seen; no keg of gunpowder, no black leather bag,
+no dynamite, no infernal machine. I returned into the house and went
+upstairs, roused all my family and servants, who, after a close
+examination, returned to their beds, assuring me that all was safe
+there, and half wondering whether the persistent pursuit of caricaturing
+does not produce an enfeebling effect upon the mind. Consoled by their
+assurances, I returned once more to my studio, where the burning smell
+grew worse and worse. However, concluding that it was due to some fire
+in the neighbourhood, I settled down to work once more; but hardly had I
+taken my brush in hand when showers of sparks and particles of
+smouldering wood began to descend upon my head and shoulders, and cover
+the work I was engaged on. I started up, and looking up at my big
+sunlight, saw to my horror that I had wound up my easel, which is twelve
+feet high, and more nearly resembles a guillotine than anything else, so
+far that the top of it was in immediate contact with the gas, and
+actually alight!
+
+[Illustration: FIRE!]
+
+The _Times_ took the unusual course of giving, a month in advance of its
+opening on April 23rd, 1887, a preliminary notice of this Exhibition.
+
+It said: "A novel Exhibition, for which we venture to prophesy no
+little success, is being prepared by Harry Furniss of _Punch_ celebrity.
+As everyone knows, Mr. Furniss has long adorned the columns of our
+contemporary with pictorial parodies of the chief pictures of the Royal
+Academy, the Grosvenor, and other shows, and it has now occurred to him
+to develop this idea and to have a humorous Royal Academy of his own. He
+has taken the Gainsborough Gallery in Old Bond Street, which he will
+fill some time before the opening of Burlington House with a display of
+elaborate travesties of the works of all the best known artists of the
+day. There will be seventy pictures in black and white, many of them
+large size, turning into good-natured ridicule the works of every
+painter, good and bad, whose pictures are familiar to the public," etc.,
+etc. This gives a very fair idea of the nature and objects of my "Royal
+Academy." My aim was to burlesque not so much individual works as
+general style, not so much specific performances as habitual manner. As
+an example I take the work of that clever decorative painter and etcher,
+Mr. R. W. Macbeth, A.R.A. By his permission I here reproduce reductions
+in black and white of three of his well-known pictures, and side by side
+I show my parody of his style and composition--not, as you will observe,
+a caricature of any _one_ picture, but a boiling down of _all_ into an
+original picture of my own in which I emphasise his mannerisms.
+Furthermore, in my catalogue I parodied the same artist's mannerism in
+drawing in black and white, and with one or two exceptions this applies
+to all the works I exhibited. I hit upon a new idea for the illustrated
+catalogue. The illustrations, with few exceptions, did not convey any
+idea of the composition of the pictures, and in many cases they were
+designed to further the idea and object of the Exhibition by reference
+to pictures not included therein. My joke was that the Exhibition could
+not be understood by anyone without a catalogue, and the catalogue could
+not be understood by anyone without seeing the Exhibition. Therefore
+everyone visiting the Exhibition had to buy a catalogue, and everyone
+seeing the catalogue had to visit the Exhibition. _Q.E.D.!_ The idea,
+the catalogue, and everything connected with this "Artistic Joke"
+were my own, with the exception of the title, which was so happily
+supplied by Mr. Humphry Ward as the heading to the preliminary notice he
+wrote for the _Times_. _At the last moment_ I called in my fellow-worker
+on _Punch_, Mr. E. J. Milliken, to assist me with some of the
+letterpress of the catalogue and write the verses for it. I had all but
+a small portion of the catalogue written before he so kindly gave this
+assistance, but at the suggestion of a mutual friend I gave him half the
+profits of the catalogue, which amounted to several hundred pounds. I am
+obliged to make this point clear, as to my astonishment it was reported
+that the whole Exhibition was a joint affair, no doubt originated by Mr.
+Punch in a few lines: "When two of Mr. Punch's young men put their heads
+together to produce so excellent a literary and artistic a joke as that
+now on view at the Gainsborough Gallery----" This was accepted as a
+matter of fact by many, not knowing that this "joke," my work of years,
+was a secret in the _Punch_ circle as outside it. The false impression
+which Mr. Punch had originated he corrected in his Happy Thought way:
+"_The Artistic Jubilee Jocademy in Bond Street._--The fire insurances on
+the building will be uncommonly heavy because there is to be a show of
+Furniss's constantly going on inside. Why not call it 'Furniss Abbey
+Thoughts?'"
+
+[Illustration: POTATO GANG IN THE FENS.
+
+TWITCH-BURNING IN THE FENS.
+
+A FLOOD IN THE FENS.
+
+THE PICTURES BY R. MACBETH.
+
+_Reproduced by permission of the Artist._]
+
+[Illustration: MACBETH IN THE FENS.
+
+_My parody in "An Artistic Joke" of Mr. Macbeth's composition and style
+of work, showing that in my "Academy" I did not parody one subject, but
+designed a picture embodying all the characteristics of the Artist._]
+
+The following brief correspondence passed between the President of the
+Royal Academy and myself:--
+
+     "Mr. Harry Furniss presents his compliments to Sir Frederick
+     Leighton and trusts he will forgive being bothered with the
+     following little matter.
+
+     "Sir Frederick is no doubt aware of Mr. Furniss's intention to have
+     a little Exhibition in Bond Street this spring,--a good-natured
+     parody on the Royal Academy. The title settled upon--the only one
+     that explains its object--is
+
+          "HARRY FURNISS'S
+          "ROYAL ACADEMY,
+          "'AN ARTISTIC JOKE.'"
+
+     "In this particular case the authorities (Mr. Furniss is informed)
+     see no objection to the use of the word _Royal_ pure and simple,
+     but as a matter of etiquette he thinks it right to ask the question
+     of Sir Frederick Leighton also.
+
+     "_March 11th, 1887._"
+
+[Illustration: LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.]
+
+A word or two may not be out of place here on the practical difficulties
+which beset an artist who opens an Exhibition on his own account, and is
+forced by circumstances to become his own "exploiteur." Men may have
+worked with a more ambitious object, but certainly no man can ever have
+worked harder than I did at this period. Outside work was pouring in, my
+current _Punch_ work seemed to be increasing, but I never allowed
+"Furniss's Folly" (as some good-natured friend called my Exhibition at
+the moment) to interfere with it. I had only arranged with a "business
+man" to take the actual "running" of the show off my hands, and he was
+to have half the profits if there should happen to be any. At the
+critical moment, when I was working night and day at my easel, when in
+fact the "murther was out" and the date actually settled for the
+"cracking" of my joke--in short, when I fondly imagined that all the
+arrangements were made, I received a letter from my "business" friend
+backing out of the affair, "as he doubted its success." Half-an-hour
+after the receipt of this staggerer (I have never had time to reply to
+it) I was dashing into Bond Street, where I quickly made all
+arrangements for the hire of a gallery and the necessary printing,
+engaged an advertising agent and staff, and myself saw after the
+thousand and one things indispensable to an undertaking of this kind.
+And all this extraneous worry continued to hamper my studio work until
+the Exhibition was actually opened. Of course I had to make hurried
+engagements at any price, and consequently bad ones for me. Every
+householder is aware that should he change his abode he is surrounded in
+his new home by a swarm of local tradespeople and others anxious to get
+something out of him. Well, my experience upon entering the world of
+"business," hitherto strange to me, was precisely the same. All sorts of
+parasites try to fasten themselves on to you. Business houses regard you
+as an amateur, and consequently you pay dearly for your experience. You
+are not up to the tricks of the trade, and although you may not
+generally be written down an ass, you must in your new vocation pay your
+footing. It is therefore incumbent upon anyone entering the world of
+trade for the first time to keep his wits very much about him.
+
+The local habitation for my Exhibition, which upon the spur of the
+moment I was fortunate enough to find in Bond Street, was called for
+some inexplicable reason the Gainsborough Gallery, and thereby hangs a
+tale. One afternoon there arrived a venerable dowager in a gorgeous
+canary-coloured chariot, attended by her two colossal footmen. She
+sailed into the gallery, which, fortunately for the old and scant of
+breath, was on the ground floor, and slightly raising the pince-nez on
+her aristocratic nose, looked about her with an air of bewilderment.
+Then going up to my secretary she said, "Surely! these are not by
+Gainsborough?"
+
+"No, madam," was the reply. "This is the Gainsborough Gallery, but the
+pictures are by Harry Furniss."
+
+Almost fainting on the spot, the old lady called for her salts, her
+stick, and her attendants three, and was rapidly driven away from the
+scene of her lamentable mistake.
+
+The public attendance at the "The Artistic Joke" was prodigious from the
+first. Even upon the private view day, when I introduced a novelty, and
+instead of inviting everybody who is somebody to pay a gratuitous visit
+to the show, raised the entrance fee to half-a-crown, the fashionable
+crowd besieged the doors from an early hour, and made a very
+considerable addition to my treasury. Those of my readers, however, who
+did not pay a visit to the Gainsborough will be better able to realise
+the amount of patronage we received, notwithstanding the numerous
+attractions of the "Jubilee" London season, if I relate an incident
+which occurred on the Saturday after we opened. It was the "private
+view" of the Grosvenor Gallery, and the crowd was immense. Indeed, many
+ladies and gentlemen were returning to their carriages without going
+through the rooms, not, like my patron the dowager, because they were
+disappointed at not finding the work of the old masters, but because the
+visitors were too numerous and the atmosphere too oppressive. As I
+passed through the people I heard a lady who was stepping into her
+carriage say to a friend, "I have just come from 'The Artistic Joke,'
+and the crowd is even worse there. They have had to close the doors
+because the supply of catalogues was exhausted." This soon caused me to
+quicken my pace, and hastening down the street to my own Exhibition, I
+found the police standing at the doors and the people being turned away.
+The simple explanation of this was that so great had been the public
+demand that the stock of catalogues furnished by the printers was
+exhausted early in the afternoon, and as it was quite impossible to
+understand the caricatures without a catalogue, there was no alternative
+but to close the doors until some more were forthcoming.
+
+Finding the telephone was no use, I was soon in a hansom bound for the
+City, intending by hook or by crook to bring back with me the
+much-needed catalogues, or the body of the printer dead or alive. Upon
+arriving in the City, however, to my chagrin I found his place of
+business closed, though the caretaker, with a touch of fiendish
+malignity, showed me through a window whole piles of my non-delivered
+catalogues. Not to be beaten, I hastened back to the West End and
+despatched a very long and explicit telegram to the printer at his
+private house (of course he would not be back in the City until Monday),
+requiring him, under pain of various severe penalties, to yield up my
+catalogues instanter. As I stood in the post office of Burlington House
+anxiously penning this message, and harassed into a state of almost
+feverish excitement, the sounds of martial music and the tramp of armed
+men in the adjacent courtyard fell upon my distracted ear. With a sickly
+and sardonic smile upon my face I laid down the pen and peeped through
+the door.
+
+"Yes! I see it all now," I muttered. "The whole thing is a plant. The
+printer was bribed, and, _coute que coute_, the Academy has decided to
+take my body! Hence the presence of the military; and see, those
+cooks--what are they doing here in their white caps? My body! Ha! then
+nothing short of cannibalism is intended!"
+
+This frightful thought almost precipitated me into the very ranks of the
+soldiery, when I discovered that the corps was none other than that of
+the Artist Volunteers, which contains several of my friends. Seizing one
+of those whom I chanced to recognise, I hurriedly whispered in his ear
+the thoughts of impending butchery which were passing in my terrified
+mind. But he only laughed. "You will disturb their digestions, my dear
+Furniss, some other way," he said, "than by providing them with a _piece
+de resistance_. Make your mind easy, for we are only here to do honour
+to the guests. This is the banqueting night of the Royal Academy."
+
+From what I heard, some amusing incidents occurred in the house at my
+"Royal Academy."
+
+[Illustration: "AN ARTISTIC JOKE."
+
+_A portion of my parody of the work of Sir Alma Tadema, R.A._]
+
+It was no uncommon sight to see the friends and relatives, even the sons
+and daughters, of certain well-known Academicians standing opposite the
+parody of a particular picture, and hugely enjoying it at the expense of
+the parent or friend who had painted the original. Other R.A.'s, who
+went about pooh-poohing the whole affair, and saying that they intended
+to ignore it altogether, turned up nevertheless in due time at the
+Gainsborough, where, it is true, they did not generally remain very
+long. They had not come to see the Exhibition, but only their own
+pictures. One glance was usually enough, and then they vanished. The
+critics (and their friends) of course remained longer. Even Mr. Sala
+went in one day and seemed to be immensely tickled by what he saw.
+Strange to relate, however, when he had passed through about one-third
+of the show, he was observed to stop abruptly, turn himself round, and
+flee away incontinently, never to be seen there again. I was much
+puzzled to discover a reason for this remarkable man[oe]uvre, the more
+so as at that time I had not wounded his _amour propre_ by indulging in
+an "Artistic Joke" of much more diminutive proportions at his expense,
+or, as it subsequently turned out, at my own. Since, however, the
+world-famous trial of _Sala_ v. _Furniss_ I have looked carefully over
+all the pictures in my Royal Academy, with a view to throwing some light
+upon the critic's abrupt departure. I remain, nevertheless, in the dark,
+for the most rigid scrutiny has failed to reveal to me one single
+feature in the show, not even a Grecian nose, or a foot with six toes,
+which could have jarred upon the refined taste of the most sensitive of
+journalists. I shall return to Mr. Sala in another portion of these
+confessions, but am more concerned now with the parasites, the artistic
+failures, the common showmen, the traffickers in various wares, and
+other specimens of more or less impecunious humanity, who applied to me
+to let them participate in the profits of a success which I had toiled
+so hard to achieve. In imitation of Barnum, I might have had, if I had
+been so inclined, a series of side shows, ranging in kind from the big
+diamond which a well-known firm in Bond Street asked me to let them
+exhibit, to the "Queen's Bears" and a curious waxwork of a bald old man
+which by means of electricity showed the gradual alterations of tint
+produced by the growth of intemperance. One of these applications I was
+for a moment inclined to entertain. It has more than once been proposed
+that to enable the British public to take its annual bolus at Burlington
+House with less nausea, the Royal Academy should introduce a band of
+some sort, so that under the influence of its inspiriting strains the
+masterpieces might be robbed of a little of their tameness, the portrait
+of My Lord Knoshoo might seem less out of place in a public Exhibition,
+and the insanities of certain demented colourists might be made less
+obtrusive monopolists of one's attention. Therefore, when "a musical
+lady and her daughters" applied to me for permission to give "Soirees
+Musicales" at the Gainsborough, it struck me for a moment that it would
+be effective to forestall the action of the Academy; but on second
+thoughts I reflected that as the Burlington House band would probably be
+of the same quality as the pictures, it would be adhering more closely
+to the spirit of my "Artistic Joke" if I gave my patrons a barrel organ
+or a hurdy-gurdy which should play the "Old Hundredth" by steam.
+Although one would have thought that a single visit of a few hours'
+duration would have sufficed to go through a humorous Exhibition of this
+kind, I found that several people became _habitues_ of the place, and
+paid many visits; but it is of course possible to have too much of a
+good thing, and a joke loses its point when you have too much of it. No
+better illustration of this can be afforded than in the case of my own
+secretary at the time, who had sat in the Exhibition for many months.
+One day, when the plates were being prepared for an album which I
+published as a souvenir of the show, the engraver arrived with a proof.
+
+[Illustration: MR. SAMBOURNE'S PROSPECTUS.]
+
+"But there is some mistake here," said my secretary. "We have no such
+picture as that on the premises."
+
+The engraver was puzzled, and as he seemed rather sceptical upon the
+point, he was allowed to look round, and speedily found the picture he
+had copied. It had actually been close at my secretary's elbow since the
+"Artistic Joke" was opened to the public, but as the pictures were all
+under glass, I suppose he had only seen his own reflection when gazing
+at them. It was this perhaps which caused another gentleman whom I have
+before mentioned to beat so hasty a retreat. Both of them may have been
+frightened by what they saw.
+
+The suggestion that I should be run as a public company emanated from
+the fertile brain of my friend Mr. Linley Sambourne. This is his rough
+idea of the prospectus:
+
+     This Company has been formed to acquire the sole exclusive
+     concession of the marvellous and rapid power of production of the
+     above-mentioned Managing Director, and to take over the same as a
+     going concern.
+
+     These productions have been in continual flow for many years past,
+     and are too well known to need any assurance of the possibility of
+     a failure of supply. It is therefore with the utmost confidence
+     that this sure and certain investment is now offered to the public
+     with an absolute guarantee of a percentage for Fifteen Years of
+     Forty-five per cent.
+
+     Mr. Furniss can be seen at work with the regularity of a threshing
+     machine and the variety of a kaleidoscope any day from 8 o'c. a.m.
+     to 8 o'c. p.m. on presentation of visiting card.
+
+
+  BANKERS,
+  Close, Gatherum & Co., Lombard Street.
+
+  SOLICITORS,
+  Black, White & Co., Tube Court.
+
+  SECRETARY, _pro tem._
+  Earl M----,
+  Arrystone Grange.
+
+  _The Subscription List will close on or before Monday, April 1st,
+  1887._
+
+            *       *       *       *       *
+
+     Messrs. C. White & Greyon Grey invite subscriptions for the
+     undermentioned Share Capital and Debentures of the
+
+  HARRY FURNISS PARODY CARTOON COMPANY
+  (Unlimited).
+
+  Incorporated under the Joint Stock Companies Acts, 1862 and 1883.
+
+             Share Capital                               L4,000,000.
+
+  Divided as follows:
+
+             450,000 Ordinary Shares of L5 each          L2,250,000
+             175,000 7 p.c. Cumulative Preference Shares
+                of L10 each                               1,750,000
+
+  DIRECTORS.
+
+  Chairman: H. V---- W----, Esq., Regent Street, photographer.
+  Sir John S---- V----, Kt., Pine Court, Kent.
+  H---- F----, Esq., Draughtsman and Designer, 45, Drury Lane.
+
+  HARRY FURNISS, ESQ., R.R.A., R.R.I., &c.,
+  will join the Board as Managing Director on allotment.
+
+
+
+
+A JOKE WITHIN A JOKE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A showman, particularly with some attraction of the passing hour, must
+"boom his show for all it's worth," as the Americans say; so I "boomed"
+my "Artistic Joke" with an advertising joke, and at the same time
+parodied another branch of art--the art of advertising the artists, by a
+special number of a magazine devoted to the work of an Academician. The
+special numbers, generally published at Christmas, are familiar and
+interesting to us all. Still, from any point of view they are fair game.
+They are of course merely non-critical, eulogistic accounts of the
+artist and his work. So
+
+"_How he Did It--The Story of my 'Artistic Joke,'_" duly appeared,
+written by my Lay-figure.
+
+
+"PREFACE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"The fact of my being only an artist's lay-figure will account for any
+stiffness or angularity in my literary style. Whilst conscious of my
+deficiencies in this respect, I am comforted by the consideration that a
+lay-figure attempting literature cannot by any possibility perpetrate
+greater absurdities than are committed by many a ready writer who
+indulges in those glowing and gushing descriptions of artists and their
+work which it is now the fashion to publish, in some such shape as the
+present, for the delectation (and delusion) of a gossip-loving public."
+
+This, the origin of "The Artistic Joke," is a fair specimen of the
+absurdity I published as an advertisement, though many bought it and
+read it as a "true and authentic account" of the confessions of a
+caricaturist's lay-figure:
+
+[Illustration: MY PORTRAIT. FRONTISPIECE FOR 'HOW HE DID IT.']
+
+"As many would be interested in knowing how this extraordinary idea of
+an Academy _pour rire_ first occurred to this artist, I hasten to
+gratify their natural curiosity. It was before little Harry reached the
+age of seven, and while watching with fellow-feeling the house-painters
+at work in his father's house. One day, at lunchtime, when the men had
+left their ladders and paraphernalia near the picture-gallery (a long
+room containing choice works of all the great masters), he seized his
+opportunity: with herculean strength and Buffalo-Billish agility, our
+hero dragged all the ladders, paints and brushes into the gallery, and
+soon was at work 'touching up' the pictures, to gratify his boyish love
+of mischief. Truth to tell, his performance was but on a par,
+artistically, with that usually shown when mischievous boys get hold of
+brushes and paint and a picture to restore."
+
+[Illustration:
+
+25, Old Bond Street,
+LONDON, W.
+Jubilee Day 1887
+
+I have been favoured--if that is the proper word--with a sight of an
+advance copy of this perpetration.
+
+I feel that the Easy confidence which has hitherto existed between an
+artist and his Lay Figure is for ever broken and fled. If I had only
+known that wine was taking advantage of her exceptional opportunities to
+betray my misplaced confidence in this popular but pestilent fashion, I
+would have made firewood of her long ago.
+
+It is now too late. The temptation is turn Graphic Gusher and
+confidential Trotter-out, has proved too much for a wee docile and
+discreet Lay Figure. I am one more victim at unsuspected hands, to the
+revolting rage for "Revelations."
+
+I am bound to admit, however, that whilst the taste of the whole "Story"
+is execrable, the facts upon which it is founded are undisputable.
+
+The Tale is an o'er true one, though it has been compiled without the
+knowledge, and is published exactly against the desire of
+
+Harry Furniss]
+
+"Before Harry had finished touching-up the valuable family portraits,
+his father came in, glanced round, and fell onto a couch in roars of
+laughter. 'It's the best Artistic Joke I've ever seen, my boy, and
+here's a shilling for you!' A happy thought struck Harry at the moment.
+He kept it to himself for over twenty-five years; and now, standing high
+upon an allegorical ladder, he repeats the Joke daily, from nine to
+seven, admission one shilling."
+
+This book of sixty pages sold extremely well, and, strange to say, I
+made more money out of this joking advertisement--the work of a few
+days--than I did out of my elaborate album of seventy photogravure
+plates which occupied two years to produce and cost me L2,000.
+
+The following lines from _Fun_ give the origin of my Joke's peculiar and
+ingenious turn:
+
+  "The fact is the Forty were sad in their mind
+    (Unfortunate _Aca_demicians!)
+  Associates also were troubled in kind,
+    With jeers at their works and positions,
+  Till one who was younger and bolder than all
+    Declared 'doleful dumps' to be folly,
+  'Come--away to the club, and for supper let's call,
+    And try to be decently jolly.'
+
+  "So they fed with good will on the viands prepared
+    (Pork chops were the principal portion),
+  Then retiring to bed, with their dreams they were scared,
+    And spent half the night in contortion;
+  Then rose in their sleep and came down to this room,
+    And, instead of a purposeless pawing,
+  They painted these pictures, then fled in the gloom,
+    And Furniss has touched up the drawing!"
+
+Having parodied the artists' work, the R.A. catalogue, and the
+publishers' R.A. special numbers, I went one step further. I parodied
+"Art Patrons." At that time there was a great stir in art circles in
+consequence of the authorities of the National Gallery dallying with Mr.
+Tate's offer of his pictures to the nation; so to emulate him, and Mr.
+Alexander, and Mr. Watts, and other public benefactors in the world of
+art, I sent the following letter to the Directors of the National
+Gallery:
+
+     "Mr. Harry Furniss presents his compliments to the Trustees of the
+     National Gallery and begs to congratulate them upon the munificent
+     gifts lately made to them, particularly Mr. Henry Tate's, which
+     provides the nation with an excellent sample of current art. At the
+     same time Mr. Harry Furniss feels that having it in his power to
+     provide a more complete collection of our modern English school, he
+     is inspired by the generous offers of others to humbly imitate this
+     good example, and will therefore willingly give his 'Royal Academy'
+     (parodies on modern painters), better known as 'The Artistic Joke,'
+     which caused such a sensation in 1887, to the National Gallery if
+     the Trustees will honour him by accepting the collection."
+
+Yet it was not believed, at least not in Aberdeen, for the leading paper
+of the Granite City published the following:
+
+     "Someone has played a joke on Mr. Harry Furniss. An announcement
+     appears this morning to the effect that 'animated by the generosity
+     of Mr. Henry Tate and other benefactors of the National Gallery,
+     Mr. Harry Furniss has offered to the Trustees his collection of
+     illustrations of the work of modern artists recently on view in
+     Bond Street,' and that he 'has received a communication to the
+     effect that his offer is under consideration.' I believe no one was
+     more surprised by this communication than Mr. Furniss. He never
+     made the offer except possibly in jest to some Member of
+     Parliament, and naturally he was much surprised to learn that his
+     offer was 'under consideration.' The illustrations in question
+     could scarcely be dispensed with by Mr. Furniss, as they are to him
+     a sort of stock-in-trade."
+
+Not only in Aberdeen but I found generally my seriousness was doubted,
+so I reproduce on the opposite page in facsimile the graceful reply of
+the authorities of our National Gallery:
+
+The "Artistic Joke" was never intended as an attack on the Royal Academy
+at all, as a clear-headed critic wrote:
+
+     "It would be more just to regard it as an attempt on Mr. Furniss's
+     part to show the Academicians the possibilities of real beauty, and
+     wonder, and pleasure that lie hidden in their work.... On the
+     whole, the Royal Academicians have never appeared under more
+     favourable conditions than in this pleasant gallery. Mr. Furniss
+     has shown that the one thing lacking in them is sense of humour,
+     and that, if they would not take themselves so seriously, they
+     might produce work that would be a joy, and not a weariness to the
+     world. Whether or not they will profit by the lessons it is
+     difficult to say, for dulness has become the basis of
+     respectability, and seriousness the only refuge of the shallow."
+
+[Illustration: The Artistic Joke.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+CONFESSIONS OF A COLUMBUS.
+
+     The Cause of my Cruise--No Work--The Atlantic Greyhound--Irish
+     Ship--Irish Doctor--Irish Visitors--Queenstown--A
+     Surprise--Fiddles--Edward Lloyd--Lib--Chess--The Syren--The
+     American Pilot--Real and Ideal--Red Tape--Bribery--Liberty--The
+     Floating Flower Show--The Bouquet--A Bath and a Bishop--"Beastly
+     Healthy"--Entertainment for Shipwrecked
+     Sailors--Passengers--Superstition.
+
+     AMERICA IN A HURRY--Harry Columbus Furniss--The Inky
+     Inquisition--First Impressions--Trilby--Tempting
+     Offers--Kidnapped--Major Pond--Sarony--Ice--James B.
+     Brown--Fire!--An Explanation.
+
+     WASHINGTON--Mr. French of Nowhere--Sold--Interviewed--The Sporting
+     Editor--Hot Stuff--The Capitol--Congress--House of
+     Representatives--The Page Boys--The Agent--Filibuster--The
+     "Reccard"--A Pandemonium--Interviewing the President.
+
+     CHICAGO--The Windy City--Blowers--Niagara--Water and Wood--Darkness
+     to Light--My Vis-a-Vis--Mr. Punch--My Driver--It Grows upon
+     Me--Inspiration--Harnessing Niagara--The Three Sisters--Incline
+     Railway--Captain Webb.
+
+     [Illustration]
+
+     TRAVELLING--Tickets--Thirst--Sancho Panza--Proclaimed States--"The
+     Amurrican Gurl"--A Lady Interviewer--The English Girl--A Hair
+     Restorer--Twelfth Night Club Reception at a Ladies' Club--The Great
+     Presidential Election--Sound Money _v._ Free
+     Silver--Slumland--Detective O'Flaherty.
+
+
+I never felt better in my life, but my friends all assured me that I
+looked ill. If I wasn't ill, I ought to be. I must be overworked and
+break down. I had "burnt the candle at both ends and in the middle as
+well," and it was a duty I owed to humanity to collapse. For years I
+had done the work of three men with the constitution of one, so one day
+it came to pass that I was forced by my friends into the consulting-room
+of a celebrated physician, labelled "Ill. To be returned to Dead Letter
+Office, or to be sent by foreign mail to some distant land, or to be
+cremated on the spot," anything but to leave me free to return to my mad
+disease, the worst mania of all--the mania for work.
+
+My good physician stripped me, pommelled me, stethoscoped me, made me
+say "99" when he had squeezed all the breath out of me (why "99"? Why
+not "98" or "4"?--he was testing internal rebellion), flashed a
+reflector under my eyes, seized a drumstick and hammered me under my
+knee-joints, sat upon me literally and figuratively, and told me to give
+up all food, drink, pleasure, and work for two months, which I did. My
+balance at the bankers' and my balance on the scales were both reduced
+considerably. I lost a good many pounds in weight and money.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+My friends all assured me that I looked well, but I never felt so ill in
+all my life. If I was not ill, I ought to be. I tried to work, but broke
+down. I was idle in the mornings, in the evenings, and in the middle of
+the day as well, and it was a duty I owed to my doctor to collapse. So
+one day I forced myself into his consulting-room before a hundred
+patients waiting their turn, labelled "Well again." I pushed him into
+his chair, pommelled him 99 times, flashed my cane under his eyes,
+seized the poker and hammered him under his knee-joints, and told him I
+would get him six months' hard labour if he did not pronounce me
+sound,--he did.
+
+"You only want a tonic now, my dear fellow--a sea-trip!"
+
+"A _Teutonic_," I replied _Majestic_ally. "The very thing--sails
+to-morrow--a new berth--I'll be born again under a White Star--_au
+revoir_!"
+
+"Your prescription!" he called after me. "Take it, and if you value your
+life act up to it to the letter."
+
+It contained two words and no hieroglyphics. Those two words were--"No
+Work!"
+
+How I acted up to it the following pages will show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN ATLANTIC "GREYHOUND."]
+
+In strong contrast to the crowd and bustle at leaving in the afternoon
+is the quietude late in the evening. Many promenade up and down the
+beautiful deck under the electrically-lighted roof, and gaze upon the
+lights of many craft flitting to and fro in the gentle breeze like
+will-o'-the-wisps, postponing retiring, as they are not yet accustomed
+to the vibration of the Atlantic greyhound, which trembles underneath
+them as if, like the real greyhound in full cry after a hare, it is
+literally straining every muscle to beat the record from the Old World
+to the New.
+
+What a difference has taken place since those "good old days" of those
+good old wooden ships, with their good old slow passages and their good
+old uncomfortable berths! Now the state cabin is an apartment perfectly
+ventilated, gorgeously furnished, equipped with every modern
+improvement, and electrically lighted; the switches close to the bed
+(not berth) enable one to turn the light on or off at will. The
+ever-watchful attendant comes in, wishes me good-night, after folding my
+clothes, and departs. Leaving the incandescent light burning over my
+head, I open the book dealing with the wonders of America which I have
+taken from the well-stocked library, and read of great Americans, from
+Washington to the man who has brought this very light to such
+perfection, turning over page after page of well-nigh incredible
+description of the country which has raised the system of "booming" to a
+high art, till my brain reels with an Arabian Nightish flavour of
+exaggeration, and turning off the electric current, I am gradually
+lulled to sleep by the rhythmical vibrations of the steamer, the sole
+reminder that I am in reality sleeping upon a ship and about to enjoy a
+thorough week's rest.
+
+I awoke from the dreams in which I had pictured myself a veritable
+Columbus, and drawing aside the blind of my porthole, I looked out into
+the morning light, and was, perhaps, for a second surprised to see land.
+"Sandy Hook already! Can it be?" Well, hardly, just at present. Though
+who can tell but that in another fifty years it may be possible in the
+time? It is in reality the "Ould Counthry," and we are nearing
+Queenstown.
+
+There is a good muster at breakfast, and everyone is smiling, having had
+at least one good night's rest on the voyage. The waters skirting the
+Irish coast sometimes outdo the fury of the broad Atlantic, and are
+generally just as troubled and combatant as the fiery political elements
+on the little island; but so far we have had a perfect passage, and the
+beautiful bay of Queenstown looks more charming than ever as the engines
+stop for a short period before their five days' incessant activity to
+follow.
+
+Not only the ship, but the doctor, comes from the Emerald Isle. Who
+crossing the Atlantic does not know the witty Dr.----? "Ah, shure, me
+darlin', and isn't it himself that's a broth av a bhoy?" And so he is,
+simply bubbling over with humour and good-nature. Presiding at one end
+of the long table, I have to pass him as I leave the saloon. Having
+sketched Irish scenery and Irish character in my youth, I am not tempted
+to open my forbidden sketch-book; but somehow or other I find myself
+making a rapid sketch of the Doctor as he rises from his seat at the end
+of the table to wish the "top of the mornin'" to a lady who sits on his
+right. My excuse is to send it to his friend, my doctor in London. Then,
+without thinking, I sketch in a few other passengers, and instinctively
+make a note of the surroundings. I confess I am already guilty of
+breaking my pledge! And, therefore, make my escape on deck.
+
+The huge steamer seems to act as a sort of magnet on the small fry of
+the harbour, for they rush out to her from the land in all their sorts
+and sizes, in a desperate race for supremacy. Prominent among this fleet
+is a long, ungainly rowing-boat propelled by a tough Hibernian, and
+seated in the stern are his women folk, surrounded by baskets, who, in
+strong Milesian vernacular, urge the rower on in his endeavours to reach
+the ship first. Looked down upon them from your floating tower, they
+strongly resemble a swarm of centipedes. Harder and harder pull the
+"bhoys," and louder and louder comes the haranguing of the females as
+they approach us. I have my eye on the lady in the stern of the first
+boat. She is fair, fat, and forty, possessed of really massive
+proportions, most powerful lungs, and a true Irish physiognomy--a cast
+of countenance in which it always strikes me that Nature had originally
+forgotten the nasal organ, and then returning to complete the work had
+taken between finger and thumb a piece of flesh and pinched it, thus
+forming the nose rather high up on the face, while the waste of material
+below goes to make the upper lip.
+
+[Illustration: THE SALOON OF THE _TEUTONIC_. THE FIRST MORNING AT
+BREAKFAST.]
+
+The puller of the stroke oar is probably her husband, two others are
+wielded evidently by her two sons, and the bow is taken by her strapping
+daughter. One of her arms encircles the merchandise she intends to
+dispose of on board our vessel, while the other vigorously helps to
+propel the oar held by her brawny husband. All the while she is urging
+on her crew in her native language, with what may be commands,
+exhortations, or even blessings, but sounding to the unaccustomed Saxon
+ear very much like curses, which chase one another out of her capacious
+mouth with a rapidity unequalled by even an irritated monkey at the Zoo.
+
+[Illustration: AT QUEENSTOWN--A REMINISCENCE.]
+
+Their lumbering craft is the first to touch the side of the _Teutonic_.
+Standing up in the boat, the good old lady exerts her vocal powers on
+the crew on the lower deck, with the result that a rope fully fifty feet
+long is thrown in her direction, having a loop on the end of it, by
+which she is lassoed. With an agility only acquired after years of
+practice, she adjusts the loop rapidly round her, and calls on the crew
+to hoist away. The boat heels over to one side as she vigorously pushes
+herself away from it, and souse the old dame goes up to her waist in the
+water; the good-natured sailors give an extra jerk, and up she comes,
+with baskets tied round her waist, and her feet acting as fenders
+against the side of the ship. Fortunately the _Teutonic_ is bulky enough
+to resist heeling over under this extra weight on the starboard side.
+She is shipped like a bale of goods, and is immediately engaged in
+discharging some more of her loquacity in directing the acrobatic
+performances of her daughter, who is the next to ascend.
+
+This scene caused much laughter, and I was induced to make a sketch of
+the lady's acrobatic performance.
+
+The other maritime vendors are hauled up in similar unceremonious
+fashion, and they take possession of both decks. The pretty daughter of
+Erin lays out with no little artistic taste her bog-oak ornaments, and
+'Arry (for the _genus_ cad is to be encountered even on board such
+aristocratic ships as these) attempts to be rampantly facetious at her
+expense. But the damsel with the unkempt auburn locks flowing about her
+comely face, lit up by a pair of blue Irish eyes under their dark
+lashes, takes the cad's vulgarity together with his money, like the pill
+with the jam, giving in return the valueless pieces of carved wood,
+until her little stock is exhausted and a good morning's work is done.
+
+[Illustration: BOG-OAK SOUVENIRS.]
+
+On the lower deck trade is brisker. The emigrants (principally by this
+line Scandinavians, in their picturesque peasant dress, the Germans of
+course preferring to go by their own line, the North German Lloyd) are
+fitting on Tam o' Shanters of the crudest colours, scarves of hues that
+would cause the steamer's danger signals to turn pale, and eatables of
+all descriptions--I ought to say of all the worst descriptions.
+Unhealthy-looking cakes in which the currants are as scarce as Loyalists
+in the part of the country in which they are made, tinned meats and
+fruits that look suspiciously like condemned provisions or unsavoury
+salvage; in fact the only really genuine article of diet was that
+contained in the milk-pails. I may here remark that these alien steerage
+passengers don't really care for wholesome food. Nothing could be better
+than the excellent food prepared by the ship's steward, but these
+emigrants prefer to bring with them provisions that beggar description.
+
+All the time the Irish purveyors are emptying their baskets and filling
+their pockets, and rowing back to the shore enriched and delighted;
+their brothers and sisters are flowing up the gangway in a continual
+stream, with weeping eyes and breaking hearts at the thought of leaving
+their country perhaps for ever; and as soon as they are all on board,
+together with the mails, which have come overland to Queenstown, we up
+anchor, steam past Fastnet Rock, and soon the Old World is out of sight
+behind us.
+
+But all this is a thing of the past. Ladies are not now pulled up on to
+the deck, nor is the promenade turned into a miniature Irish fair. When
+last the boat stopped as usual in Queenstown bay I sadly missed the
+familiar scene, and having nothing better to do I went on shore. As a
+number of us strolled off the tender on which the mails were to return I
+noticed two men in ordinary dress standing some distance off, looking on
+at the scene. They were both fine specimens of humanity, each of them
+about six feet high. "Detectives," I whispered to one of my friends. And
+as we approached these gentlemen, I said to one of them, "Looking for
+anyone this morning?"
+
+"Not for you, Mr. Furniss."
+
+Considering I had never been in Queenstown in my life, that I had never
+been in the grip of these "sleuth-hounds" of the police, I must admit
+that the British detective is not so stupid as we generally imagine, for
+no doubt these men knew by telegraph the name of everybody on board and
+amused themselves by placing us as I had amused myself by placing them.
+
+The Captain generally has some voyager under his special care, and my
+vis-a-vis, his protegee upon this trip, was a most charming and
+delightful young lady on her way to rejoin her family in the Far West.
+The skipper's seat is vacant at breakfast time, and should the weather
+be rough, at the other meals also. If the elements are very boisterous,
+the "fiddles" are screwed on to the tables, and on them a lively tune
+is played by the jingling glasses and rattling cutlery to the erratic
+beating of the Atlantic wave. The Captain's right and left hand
+neighbours are exempt from the use of these appliances, and the small
+area caused by this is the only space in the yards and yards of table
+unencumbered by the "fiddles." The Captain scorns the aid of such
+mechanical contrivances, and chatters away unconcerned, gracefully
+balancing his soup-plate in his hands the while. I followed his example
+as one to the manner born, but had I not been a bit of an amateur
+conjuror I am afraid that I should not have been so successful. The
+Captain challenged me, however, to make a sketch with the same ease as I
+ate my dinner--and again I was forced to break my pledge!
+
+[Illustration: THE CAPTAIN'S TABLE.]
+
+It was amusing to listen to the petty jealousies and the little
+grumblings of those not satisfied with their lot at table. One lady
+stated as an excuse for having her meals in her cabin that her
+neighbour, a bagman--or "drummer," as Americans would call him--made a
+noise with his mouth while eating; and another lady elected to dine in
+her stateroom in solitude because in the saloon she had her back to a
+Bishop instead of her face!
+
+It was my good fortune to meet on board that most genial and gifted of
+men, "England's greatest tenor," Mr. Edward Lloyd, who under the
+management of that equally genial and energetic impresario, Mr. Vert,
+was on his way to charm the ears of our cousins on the other side. Then
+we had one of the greatest favourites in the sporting world, who was
+popping over, as he had been continually doing from his earliest youth,
+to look after his estates in his native country. From the Captain down
+to the under stokers he had been with all a familiar figure for many
+years, and he had a pleasant word and a shake of the hands for
+everybody. He could give you the straight tip for the Derby, was a fund
+of information anent the latest weights for the big handicaps, and on
+our arrival in the States it was with general satisfaction that we
+learnt that one of his horses had won a race while its owner was
+crossing the "Herring Pond."
+
+We had yet another celebrity on board in the person of the bright little
+Italian whose clever caricatures, especially those of Newmarket and
+Newmarket celebrities, so delight us in the pages of _Vanity Fair_ over
+the _nom de crayon_ "Lib." I think he caused us as much amusement as his
+sketches, caricaturing everybody on board, not even excepting himself,
+whom he most truthfully depicted as a common or barn owl. Or was it I
+who drew him as the owl? I forget. But I do know that he looked
+uncommonly like one as a rule, for he used to lie wrapped in his
+Inverness upon a deck chair, his face only visible, with pallid cheeks
+and distended eyes, and I did more than one caricature of him for his
+fair admirers. That was on the rough days, for like a great many
+foreigners, and English people too for the matter of that, he was a bad
+sailor. Fortunately for me, I am a hardened sailor, and as such cannot
+feel the amount of consideration I should otherwise do for those less
+lucky than myself.
+
+When the weather was calm I used to notice my Italian friend seated,
+surrounded by the ladies, with an air of triumph and a smile upon his
+intelligent visage. He was having his revenge! When he was not
+sketching, he was playing chess with the Captain.
+
+Now this commander was a captain from the top of his head to the soles
+of his feet. A stern disciplinarian, erect, handsome, uncommunicative,
+not a better officer ever stood on the bridge of an Atlantic or any
+other liner. He had a contempt for the "Herring Pond," and manipulated
+one of these floating hotels with as much ease as one would handle a toy
+boat. "When a navigator's duty's to be done," he was _par excellence_ a
+modern Caesar, but despite his sternness he had a sense of humour, and
+his unbending moments struck one with an emphasised surprise.
+
+[Illustration: NOT UP IN A BALLOON.]
+
+He could not bear a bore. Those fussy landlubbers who are always tapping
+the barometers, asking questions of every member of the crew, testing,
+sounding, and finding fault with the weather chart, had better steer
+clear of the worthy Captain, as with hands thrust deep in his pockets he
+strides from one end of the deck to the other during the course of his
+constitutional. It is on record that one of these fussy individuals,
+edging up to a well-known Captain as he was going on to the bridge when
+a mist was gathering, and the siren was about to blow as customary when
+entering on an Atlantic fog, remarked:
+
+"Captain, Captain, can't you see that it is quite clear overhead?"
+
+The Captain turned on his heel to ascend to the bridge, and scornfully
+rejoined:
+
+"Yes, sir, yes, sir; but can't you see that I am not navigating a
+balloon?"
+
+On one occasion the Captain had been through a terribly stormy afternoon
+and night, and had not quitted his post on the bridge for one minute,
+the weather being awful. Fogs, icebergs, and the elements all combined
+to make it a most anxious time for the one man in charge of the valuable
+vessel and her cargo of 1,700 souls, and during the whole period the
+unflinching skipper had not tasted a mouthful of food. The Captain's
+boy, feeling for his master, had from time to time endeavoured with some
+succulent morsel to make him break his long fast; but the firm face of
+the Captain was set, his eyes were fixed straight ahead, and his ears
+were deaf to the lad's appeal. It was breakfast time when the boy once
+more ventured to ask the Captain if he could bring him something to eat.
+This time he got an answer.
+
+"Yes," growled the Captain, "bring me two larks' livers on toast!"
+
+These Atlantic Captains of the older school were a hardened and humorous
+lot of navigators, and many a story of their eccentricity survives them:
+one in particular of an old Captain seeing the terror of the junior
+officer during that nervous ordeal of treading the bridge for the first
+time with him. This particular old salt, after a painful silence, turned
+on the young man and said, "I like you. I'm very much impressed by you.
+I've heard a lot about you--in fact, my dear sir, I should like to have
+your photograph. You skip down and get it."
+
+The nervous and delighted youth rushed off to his cabin, and informed
+his brother officers of the compliment the old man had just paid him. He
+was in luck's way, and running gaily up on to the bridge, presented his
+photograph, blushing modestly, to the old salt.
+
+"'Umph! Got a pin with you?"
+
+"Ye--es, sir."
+
+"Ah, see! I pin you up on the canvas here. I can look at you there and
+admire you. You can go, sir; your photograph is just as valuable as you
+appear to be on the bridge. Good morning."
+
+The Captain of the ship I was on had his chessmen pegged, and holes in
+the board into which to place them, so that despite any oscillations of
+the ship they would remain in their places; but the unfortunate part of
+the business was that although he could provide sea-legs for his
+chessmen it was more than he could do for his opponent, and it was as
+good as a play to see Signor "Lib" hiding from the Captain when the
+weather was not all it might be, and he in consequence felt anything but
+well. One mate after another would be despatched with the strictest
+orders from the Captain to search for the cheerless chessite; but after
+a time the Captain's patience would be exhausted, his strident voice
+could be heard calling upon the caricaturist to come forth and show
+himself, and eventually he might be seen _en route_ to his cabin with
+the box of chessmen under one arm and his opponent under the other.
+
+[Illustration: CHESS.]
+
+I was cruel enough on more than one occasion to follow them and witness
+the sequel.
+
+"Your move, now--your move!"
+
+"Ah, Captain! I do veel zo ill! Ze ship it do go up and down, up and
+down, until I do not know vich is ze bishop and vich is ze queen!"
+
+"Nonsense, sir, nonsense! Your move--look sharp, and I'll soon have you
+mated!"
+
+The poor artist _did_ move, and quickly too, but it was to the outside
+of the cabin!
+
+The Captain was triumphant at table, telling us of his victory, but his
+poor opponent could only point to his untouched plate and to the waves
+dashing against the portholes, and with that shrug of the shoulders, so
+suggestive to witness but so difficult to describe, would thus in dumb
+show explain the cause of his defeat.
+
+I remember well on one beautiful afternoon, the sky bright and the sea
+calm, just before the pilot came on board when we were nearing the
+States, Signor Prosperi (for that was his name) came up to me, his face
+the very embodiment of triumph:
+
+"Ah, I have beaten ze Captain at last--_but ze sea is smooth_!"
+
+On the outward voyage, as I said before, we had a host in Mr. Edward
+Lloyd, but he was under contract not to warble until a certain day which
+had been fixed in New York, and no doubt his presence had a deterrent
+effect upon the amateur talent, with the exception of one lady, who came
+up to Mr. Lloyd and said:
+
+"You really _must_ sing;--you really _must_!"
+
+"I am very sorry, madam, but I really can't--I am not my own master in
+this matter."
+
+"Oh, but you must," she rejoined. "I have promised that if you will
+sing, _I_ will!"
+
+An American who had "made his pile," as the Yankees say, remarked to the
+hard-worked vocalist:
+
+"I think, sir, that as you are endowed with such a beautiful voice you
+ought by it to benefit such a deserving entertainment as this."
+
+"Certainly," replied the world-famed tenor. "My fee for singing is fifty
+guineas, and I will be pleased to oblige the company if you will pay a
+cheque for that amount into the sailors' fund."
+
+[Illustration: MR. LLOYD AND THE LADY. "IF YOU WILL SING, _I_ WILL!"]
+
+And, in my opinion, a right good answer too. These middle-men and their
+wives and daughters are always pestering professional men to give their
+services to charities for nothing, but in cases like the one I have just
+cited they take very good care that they do not unloosen their own
+purse-strings to help the cause along and equalise the obligation.
+
+However the concert took place, and I, unable to resist the flattering
+request to "do something," and not being prohibited from taking part--as
+Mr. Lloyd was--made several sketches, just to keep my hand in, and they
+were raffled for.
+
+All goes well and smoothly on the voyage until one night you are
+awakened by a harsh, grating, shrieking sound. You start from your
+slumbers, and for a moment imagine that in reality you are in the
+interior of some fearsome ocean monster, who is bellowing either in rage
+or fear, for the sound is unique in its wild hideousness, half a screech
+and half a wail, aggressive and yet mournful. Your ears have just
+recovered from the first shock when they are assaulted by another, and
+yet another, at intervals of about a minute. It is the voice of the
+siren. Was ever a more inappropriate name bestowed upon the steam
+whistle of an Atlantic liner? It conveys to me the news that we are
+passing through an Atlantic fog, and I defy anyone, be they in the most
+perfect ship, under the safest of commanders, to feel comfortable in
+such circumstances. The siren still wails, and like Ulysses and his
+companions I feel very much inclined to stuff my ears with wax. Indeed,
+peering out of my porthole through the mist, I almost seem to see the
+figures of the mythological voyager and his companions carved in ice, no
+doubt beguiled by the treacherous music of the siren. These are in
+reality our main terrors, the icebergs.
+
+[Illustration: THE AMERICAN PILOT--IDEAL.]
+
+It is a relief when we have left them behind and evaded the clutches of
+the demon fog, and the fresh breeze and the glorious sun lend a new
+beauty to the sparkling water, showing us in the distance white specks
+skimming over the waves like gulls, the first sign that we are
+approaching land--the white gleaming wings of the pilot yachts.
+
+[Illustration: THE AMERICAN PILOT--REAL.]
+
+Signals are exchanged, and one of these boats comes nearer and nearer to
+us, tacking to perfection. Through our glasses we already seem to see
+the stalwart figure of the pilot standing in the stern. On his brow he
+wears a storm-defying cap, the badge of the warrior of the waves; the
+loose shirt, the top boots, and the weather-beaten jacket all combine to
+make up a picturesque figure, and I sketched what seemed to me to be the
+figure of the man who was coming on board to guide us to the Hook of
+Sandy. As the little vessel approaches us the intervening sail hides
+from my view the figure of the one man I want to see. A boat is lowered
+from the side of the pilot boat, into which two sailors descend. Who on
+earth is this who steps in after them and takes the rudder lines? He
+sports a top hat, kid gloves, and patent shoes. Is he a commercial
+traveller? He looks it. He is rowed to the side of the steamer, and then
+the fun begins. A rope ladder is lowered from the deck, which is
+immediately clutched by one of the oarsmen in the boat, and this
+commonplace commercial scrambles towards it. Just then a wave breaks
+over him, and more like a drowned excursionist than an American pilot
+this little man is hauled on board.
+
+I think a great deal of the Atlantic, but I am sorely disappointed with
+the American pilot.
+
+The Americans pride themselves upon their independence, and surely a
+more independent race never existed. The brow-beaten Britisher is not
+long in finding this out, and in my case it was most clearly
+demonstrated to me at the first stoppage of the steamer after leaving
+Queenstown. After our headlong race across the broad Atlantic, after
+every nut and screw in the vessel has been strained to save every
+particle of time, and every moment watched and calculated, here at the
+mouth of the Hudson, in sight of the colossal statue of Liberty, we are
+kept waiting under a broiling sun on a beautiful day for an
+unconscionable time whilst forsooth the health officer or his
+subordinate is enjoying his lunch. Fancy 1,700 foreigners being kept
+waiting because a paid official--paid by the shipowners of
+England--wishes to satisfy his selfish greediness!
+
+I watched for this gentleman as he crawled on board, having come across
+eventually from his riparian villa. There were no apologies (Americans
+never apologise). I don't know the gentleman's name, but here I show you
+his face. His check I have described already.
+
+Now that I have touched on America itself, I wish it to be understood
+that it is not my intention to look out for and comment upon the faults
+of our American cousins, but rather in describing my all too brief
+visits to a charming people in a charming country to deal with their
+merits. But it is proverbial that first impressions are everything, and
+the first I received of official America, in the person of this
+particular individual, was the only instance I saw which would not
+compare favourably with the red-tapeism of our own country. And I must
+say, from what I was told even by Americans themselves, that the worst
+side of their countrymen is to be seen where the official department is
+concerned, and to illustrate this I shall still stick to the official
+(or his representative, whichever it was) that I have just been
+describing.
+
+[Illustration: THE HEALTH OFFICER COMES ON BOARD.]
+
+The ship which followed that in which I came over brought from England
+some persons who were at the time the talk of American society. They had
+been connected with some gigantic scandal, and the interviewers,
+scenting copy from afar, were ready to spring upon them. Of course, it
+was known that it was to the interest of the reporters (and they were
+only doing their duty) to get on board at Sandy Hook, and to frustrate
+them a special steamer was sent down with instructions to the captain of
+the liner that no one was to accompany the officer of health on board.
+The medical officer came in his tug with the whole batch of reporters,
+and declared that he would not permit the vessel to proceed into port
+unless his friends were allowed on board. The almighty dollar had
+polluted officialism, and disclosed to the incoming strangers that the
+huge statue of Liberty before them, which held on high the torch of
+advancement and enlightenment, was really a snare and a delusion, at any
+rate as far as red-tapeism was concerned.
+
+And so I arrived after a week's thorough rest, with my sketch-book full!
+I could not help breaking my pledge; it was my first trip across the
+Atlantic, and everything was therefore new and interesting. In fact, so
+was all I saw in the States, and my pencil was always busy. I was
+looking forward to a genuine rest on my return journey, but it happened
+to be in the crowded season, and the ship was so full I was asked, as a
+particular favour to "a very distinguished cleric," to share my cabin
+with him.
+
+[Illustration: JUST IN TIME!]
+
+The departure of an Atlantic liner has a great attraction on both sides
+of the "Herring Pond," but there is a difference. Passengers leaving
+England are surrounded with cheap and vulgar literature, newspapers,
+guide-books, sticks, and umbrellas. Leaving America, the liner is turned
+into a floating flower show. Most beautiful bouquets labelled with the
+names of the lady passengers are on view in the saloon. Just as the last
+gangway is drawn on to the shore, amid cries of "Clear away!" we hear
+suddenly "Hold hard!" There is a commotion. Someone has not yet arrived;
+we lean over the side of the ship to see who is coming. Perhaps it is an
+important emissary of the Government, or even the President himself. We
+all push forward; the stalwart New York police keep back the crowd; the
+crew of the good ship _Majestic_ hold the gangway in its place as the
+centre of attraction trips gaily up it. It is a diminutive nigger
+messenger from a florist's, with a huge bouquet of flowers. I imagine I
+see my own name on the label, so I modestly seclude myself in my own
+cabin, whence I only emerge after we have passed Bartholdi's colossal
+figure, just to have one last peep at the country in which I have stored
+up such pleasant memories.
+
+[Illustration: "A FLOATING FLOWER SHOW."]
+
+By this time the bouquets of the flower show had been transferred to the
+cabins of their owners. I may mention, by the way, that the cynical lady
+on board, who wore a solitary bunch of faded violets in her dress,
+informed me that most of the ladies paid for the bouquets themselves,
+and had them sent on board with their names attached. I don't wish to
+seem egotistical, but I know that when I went back to my own cabin I
+found the greatest difficulty in forcing the door open. There was a huge
+bundle of something or other pressing against it. A fragrant scent was
+wafted through the opening, which sent a thrill through me. It must be
+the big bouquet! I gave one final shove, burst the door open, and
+discovered the bouquet to be a bishop, who was scenting his handkerchief
+at the time with otto of roses. It was worth the journey to America to
+have the honour of sharing a cabin with a bishop on the return journey.
+But what a contrast between us! What a theme for W. S. Gilbert! _Punch_
+and the pulpit rocked together in the cradle of the deep!
+
+When I first came on board I made arrangements at once with the bath
+steward, and, being rather an early bird, I fixed my time to be called
+at seven o'clock. When I retired to the cabin I found the worthy bishop
+(he is now Lord Primate of Ireland) looking plaintively at his berth.
+Like all on board it was roomy and comfortable, but probably Sir Edward
+Harland had not taken the portly prelate (who, by the way, is almost a
+neighbour of his) as a gauge for the size of the berths. Mine was, if
+anything, a trifle larger, so I respectfully invited the bishop to
+change with me.
+
+[Illustration: THE BATH STEWARD AND THE BISHOP. "YOUR TIME, SIR! YOUR
+TIME!"]
+
+I was awakened next morning by assault and battery being committed on
+the poor bishop, of which I was the innocent cause. An athletic-looking
+man, with a white jacket, and sleeves rolled up to his elbows, was
+shaking the very life out of my clerical friend and shouting "Seven
+o'clock! Your time, sir! Seven o'clock! Your time!" The bishop looked
+something like a criminal sentenced to death must do when the hangman
+awakes him on the fatal morning, and I had to explain to the bath
+steward that we had changed berths, and that in future No. 2 was to be
+awakened instead of No. 1.
+
+Perhaps it is not generally known that suicide is nearly as prevalent as
+_mal de mer_ amongst these Americans who are rushing over for a few
+weeks' repose. They work at such a fearful rate, slaves to that
+insatiable god the almighty dollar, that eventually they either have to
+fly to a lunatic asylum or an Atlantic liner. After a day or two on the
+latter the calm and repose and the vast sea around them prove too much
+of an antidote; the overtaxed brain gives way, and overboard they go.
+An Englishman is too fond of exercise to allow high pressure to get the
+better of him in this way, and the difference between English and
+American people on these liners is most marked. Directly an American
+family comes on board they select places for their deck chairs, which,
+except for meals, they never leave. From early morning until late at
+night, much to the astonishment of the Americans, the English
+passengers--men, women, and children--pace the deck as if it were a
+go-as-you-please contest for immense prizes. Being a good sailor but a
+bad sleeper, I think I fairly qualified for first prize. Morning, noon,
+and night, round and round those magnificent decks I went, to the
+disgust and envy of those who could not move off their deck chairs, and
+who loathed the very sight of me.
+
+[Illustration: AMERICANS AND ENGLISH ON DECK.]
+
+It so happened that together with a few other privileged passengers I
+dined a little later than the rest, so I had an opportunity of observing
+the weak ones suffering on deck whilst others were struggling with their
+meals below, and I promenaded round that deck, battling with the
+elements to get an extra edge on my excellent appetite. I remember that
+when passing some ladies on my way down to dinner, they feebly
+endeavouring to eat a biscuit or two and drink a glass of champagne, one
+turned her pallid face to another and murmured, "I _am_ so glad that
+energetic little man has been obliged to give in at last!"
+
+They ought to have seen me at the table half-an-hour afterwards, that's
+all!
+
+That reminds me of my friend poor Alfred Cellier, who was wintering in
+the South once at the same time as we were there for my wife's health. I
+was returning from a meet one day, hot and mud-bespattered, when I met
+the talented musician walking feebly along in the sun with his furs on.
+He called to me to stop, which I did, and his dreamy, good-natured face
+assumed a most malevolent expression as he hissed at me, "I hate you! I
+hate you! _You look so beastly healthy._"
+
+Even on board ship the American still clings to his iced water, but some
+think it is time to train for the European habit of taking wine at
+dinner. I noticed a Westerner who with his wife was sitting down for
+probably the first time to _table d'hote_. He took up the wine list, and
+went right through the sherries, hocks, clarets, champagnes, and even
+liqueurs. Now at the end of the wine lists on these vessels there is
+appended a list of various mineral waters. The names of these (or was it
+the price?) seemed to take the fancy of the American. "I guess this
+_Hunyadi Janos_ sounds well--I calculate if you put a bottle of that on
+ice it'll do us just right."
+
+Sailors are superstitious. Some will, or used to, rob themselves of the
+necessities of life to purchase a baby's "caul," and wear it around
+their neck as a charm.
+
+To sail out of harbour on a Friday was unheard of. In these days of
+science, days in which steam has driven the old frigate-rigged sailing
+ships from the seas, one would have thought that superstition would have
+vanished with the old hulks, and that in the floating palaces crossing
+the Atlantic, in which longshoremen take the place of old-time sea-dogs,
+charms and omens would have lost their power. Yet sailor superstitions
+are as hard to kill even in these gorgeous up-to-date liners as it is to
+exterminate the rats in the hold or the cockroaches in the larder.
+
+The last journey I made to America was in the favourite liner the
+_Germanic_. I was chatting to one of the crew, an old salt, the day we
+left Queenstown; he was looking out to sea; his brow was clouded, and he
+shook his head mournfully.
+
+"Are we in for a bad passage?" I asked.
+
+"Don't know yet, sir; aren't seen all them on board yet. We had a
+terrible passage the week afore last goin' East, but I expected it. We
+'ad an Archbishop on board!"
+
+I informed him that on the present journey we had two priests on board,
+and two professional atheists--"so what kind of passage were we to
+expect?"
+
+After a moment's serious thought the mariner replied, "I think, sir, we
+may reckon we shall have an average." And curious to relate we did.
+
+The two Freethinkers who thus balanced the ecclesiastics were Messrs.
+Foote and Watts, who were on a mission to America to induce Colonel
+Robert G. Ingersoll to visit England.
+
+The stranger in America, if he be a public man in his own country, is
+treated like a suspected criminal. Every movement is watched, every
+action reported, and as he passes from city to city a description and
+report precedes him, and there is an eye, or rather a couple of dozen
+eyes, to mark his coming and grow keener when he comes.
+
+But he is watched by friends, not by detectives, and his actions are
+reported in public prints, not in private ledgers. It is not the arm of
+the law, but the hand of friendship, that shadows him, and those
+stereotyped passports to friendship, letters of introduction from
+friends at home, are as needless to introduce him as a life-preserver or
+a Colt's revolver to protect him. He had better amuse himself while in
+mid-ocean by presenting them to the porpoises that dive and splutter
+round the ship, for the only object they will accomplish will be the
+filling of his waste-paper basket on his return home.
+
+[Illustration: AMERICAN INTERVIEWING--IMAGINARY.]
+
+[Illustration: AMERICAN INTERVIEWING--REAL.]
+
+Major Hospitality arrested me the moment I arrived, and handed me over
+to the Inky Inquisition--eight gentlemen of the Press--who placed me on
+the interviewer's rack at the demand of insatiable modern journalism. I
+scraped through the ordeal as well as could be expected in the
+circumstances, considering I hadn't yet acquired my land-legs. The
+raging waves may roar their loudest, and the stormy winds may blow their
+hardest, but they don't affect me. It is only when I find myself on
+_terra firma_ once more that I feel any effects from an ocean trip. For
+the benefit of those who are subject to _mal de mer_ I will disclose my
+prescription to act as a reliable safeguard, and that is to mesmerise
+yourself so that once on board no sensations seem to you strange or
+unwonted. The only drawback is that I have not yet discovered how to
+unmesmerise myself, although my theory worked splendidly when on board,
+so that when I get on shore I feel as if I were still on the sea. I am
+always ducking breakers, descending companion ladders, and I roll across
+the street as if it were the deck of a liner. Every building I enter
+seems to be rocking up and down, up and down, and as on the occasion I
+refer to I sat before the knights of the quill to be cross-examined, I
+felt as if I were in the cabin of a ship rather than in my own room at
+the hotel, and that the books on the table were in reality fiddles to
+keep the glasses and other things from falling off.
+
+It is, therefore, not to be wondered at that the next day I find myself
+described as "not a well man," although "his face is ruddy," and "his
+blue eyes have a tired look and his hand is not so steady as it might
+be." I would like to know whose hand would be steady if, after six days
+of Atlantic travel, he was landed to find himself suddenly confronted
+with eight talented gentlemen, cross-questioning him _ad lib._,
+measuring the length of his foot, counting the buttons on his coat, and
+the hairs on his head, and if, after his tiring journey, he happened to
+yawn, looking to see whether he had false teeth or not!
+
+And then to be handed a bad pen and worse paper, and have to draw
+pictures in pen and ink, in the space of five minutes, for the eight
+gentlemen who were watching to see "how it's done"! I have sketched
+crowned heads on their thrones, bishops in their pulpits, thieves in
+their dens, and beauties in their drawing-rooms; but I never felt such
+nervousness as I did when I had to caricature myself on the occasion of
+my first experience of American interviewing.
+
+In my seeing America in a hurry, I addressed the reporters somewhat in
+this fashion:
+
+"I am not disappointed with anything I have seen. I was told that I
+would find the worst-paved streets in the world. I have found them. I
+was told that I would see unsightly, old-fashioned telegraph-poles
+sticking up in the streets. I have seen them. I was told that I would
+have to pay a small fortune for my cab from the docks to my hotel. I
+have paid it. I was told that a newspaper reporter would ask me what I
+thought of America as soon as I landed. I am asked that question by
+eight gentlemen of the Press; indeed, I was interrogated upon that point
+by the representative of a leading American paper before I left the
+shores of England. I was told that I would find the most charming and
+best-dressed women in the world. That promise is more than realised.
+
+[Illustration: "SANDY."]
+
+"I find New York as bright as Paris, as busy as London, as interesting
+as Rome, and, in fact, I am so delighted and bewildered with everybody
+and everything that, like the old lady's parrot, I don't say much, but I
+think a deal; and now my difficulty is to convey those thoughts to the
+public through the medium of your valuable papers."
+
+Scores of Columbuses arrive at Sandy Hook every week to discover America
+for themselves, from Charles Columbus Dickens to Rudyard Columbus
+Kipling, to say nothing of Tom, Dick, Harry Columbus Brown, Jones,
+Robinson. It is hardly fair to say that they go over with their pockets
+full of letters of introduction to their American cousins, who receive
+them with open arms and unlimited hospitality, and then that these Toms,
+Dicks, and Harrys bring back in exchange notes for columns of ridicule
+and abuse of their Transatlantic friends. If our Americans _have_ a
+fault, it is a very slight one. They are too sensitive. They seem to
+forget that they receive and honour some of our countrymen as critics
+and satirists, but they expect that on leaving their shores their late
+guests will wash off the critical and satirical sides of their natures
+just as an actor removes his paint and make-up on leaving the boards.
+
+Americans, both publicly and privately, are incessantly interviewing the
+stranger: "What do you think of our great country? What do you think of
+ourselves?" They live in a glass house filled with forced young plants,
+from out of which house they may throw stones at the stranger, but woe
+betide the critic who has the temerity to cast one in return. He gets
+his impressions from the hothouse society snobs reared in the hotels of
+the cities, the dollar worshipper, the vulgar millionaire, made more
+obnoxious by the newer European importation, happily a plant not true to
+the American soil. We strangers too often see but the cut flowers,
+showy, glaring, to-day; jaded, gone to-morrow. We do not see the
+cultured orchid or the natural wild flowers of America, for the simple
+reason we do not look for them in seeing that wonderful country in a
+hurry.
+
+My first impression of New York was that of a faded back-cloth in a
+melodrama; but when you get upon the stage, or, in other words, into the
+streets, you find yourself amid a transformation scene of wonderful
+activity and brilliancy. Some of the streets, in fact most of them in
+which business is transacted, resemble strongly the shop scenes in
+harlequinades, for the Americans have carried advertising so far that
+their streets of shops, and especially those in New York, are simply
+museums of grotesque advertisement.
+
+Gigantic hands advertising gloves, huge hats, boots, and animals form a
+heterogeneous collection of anything but beautiful models, gilded and
+painted in all the most flaming colours, piled on top of each other on
+every house from street level to attic, each tradesman vieing with the
+other in screeching to the public to "Buy! buy!! buy!!!" by means of the
+curiosities and monstrosities of the advertiser's art.
+
+A few years ago a celebrated Continental authoress came to London for
+the first time, in the height of the season, to stay a week in order to
+get her impressions for a book she was writing, in which the heroine had
+flown to London for that period of time. She went everywhere and saw
+everything; just before she left London I asked her what had impressed
+her most of all she had seen. In reply she said, "The fact that the
+drivers of public vehicles never cracked their whips!"
+
+If I were asked what impressed me most about New York, I should not say
+Brooklyn Bridge, or Wall Street, or the Elevated Railway, but the number
+of chiropodists' advertisements! They confront you at every turn; these
+huge gilded models of feet outside the chiropodists' establishments,
+some painted realistically and many adorned with bunions, are destined
+to meet your eye as you stroll through the streets. Should you look up,
+you will see them suspended from the first floor window, or painted on
+canvas on the front of the house. Avoid the shops altogether, and you
+are bound to knock up against some gentleman in the gutter encased in a
+long white waterproof, on which is portrayed the inevitable foot and the
+name and address of the chiropodist.
+
+[Illustration: CHIROPODY.]
+
+Now why is this? The Americans have pretty feet and small hands, both
+men and women. Is it vanity, and do they squeeze their feet into boots
+too small for them, or are their pedal coverings badly made, or does the
+secret lie in the rough pavements of their thoroughfares? I am glad to
+say that I never required the services of a foot doctor, but I know that
+my feet have ached many and many a time after promenading the New York
+pathways.
+
+New York ought to be called New Trilby.
+
+I was offered more than once an open cheque which I might fill in to
+cover all my expenses from the time I left England until I reached the
+shores of the Old Country again if I would supply a journal with _one
+page_ of impressions of America illustrated. A suggestion of this sort
+in an English newspaper office would have just about the same effect as
+a big canister of dynamite! I didn't accept any of these tempting
+offers. I didn't go to the States on my first visit to paint glaring
+pictures, or to make up stories, or to marry an American heiress, nor
+did I go in search of the almighty dollar. I simply went as a tourist in
+search of health, and with the desire of shaking hands with my many
+friends on the other side.
+
+[Illustration: "NEW TRILBY."]
+
+I was therefore extremely annoyed on my arrival to find the
+irrepressible lecture agent, Major Pond, had coolly announced that I was
+going over to him, and he had actually taken rooms for me at the Everett
+House! Of course I informed the interviewers that I was not going to
+tour with Pond or to make money in any way. I was merely a bird of
+passage, a _rara avis_, a visitor without an eye on the almighty dollar.
+
+After I returned to England an irresponsible paragraphist informed the
+American public that I went home determined to give it to them hot. This
+contradiction of mine appeared, and was sent to me by the Major. Note in
+it I contradict his report that I went over in his interests.
+
+
+[Illustration: AMIABLE MR. HENRY FURNISS.
+
+The London Punch Cartoonist Denies Certain
+Unfriendly Reports.
+
+To the Editor of The Sun--Sir: Paragraphs
+have appeared in some American papers to the
+effect that I "went home determined to give
+it to New York and the Americans hot." I can
+only suppose that this is invented for the purpose
+of firing off a very feeble joke upon my
+name at the sacrifice of the truth, for I had a
+most pleasant time in America, and have
+brought back with me most agreeable reminiscences,
+which I intend to publish.
+
+Will you be kind enough to contradict this
+unfair insinuation, and also the incorrect surmise
+that I went to the States to the interest
+of any paper or person? I simply made the
+journey in search of health, and not interest
+of the almighty dollar.
+
+By the way, before the end of the year I may
+contribute to London Punch a few pages from
+my well-stocked American sketch book. Faithfully
+yours,
+
+Harry Furniss.
+Garrick Club, London, July, 1892.]
+
+Major Pond is a typical American, hospitable, kind, with an eye for
+business, but I do not appear in his entertaining book, nor was I ever
+on his business books either. He sat for me on the shoeblack's street
+chair outside his office when I made a sketch of him, and he was so
+obliging I believe he would have stood on his head if I had asked him.
+He managed to get me to stand in front of the camera, but not in front
+of an audience.
+
+Some day I shall write a paper entitled "Photographers I Have Met," for
+few people have faced the fire of the camera oftener than I. I am not a
+fashionable beauty, nor much of a celebrity, neither am I honestly a
+vain man--I shrink from the rays of the too truthful lens--but I have
+been dragged into the line of fire and held there until the deed is
+done, like an unwilling convict. In nearly every town I have visited
+have I undergone this operation, and the result is a collection of
+criminal-looking, contorted countenances of a description seldom seen
+outside the museum of a police station.
+
+[Illustration: MAJOR POND.]
+
+I was therefore determined not to incur this risk in America.
+Photographers sent their cards, but they saw me not (perhaps if they
+had they would have repented of their invitation). However, one day I
+was secured by stratagem.
+
+I was walking along Union Square with Major Pond, whose martial bearing
+impressed me as much as his 'cuteness fascinated me. He had that morning
+heard of my determination not to be photographed, and as he walked along
+he suddenly stepped into a doorway, his arm in mine, touched a button in
+a side panel, down rushed an elevator, the door was flung open, and I
+was flung in. "Sarony," said the Major, and up, up, up we flew.
+
+"The photographer?" I asked hurriedly.
+
+"The artist," the Major replied; "one of the greatest flesh drawers"
+(nude studies) "we have in this gr--e--a--t country, sir. Here he is,
+deaf to everything but art, and to everyone but artists."
+
+Who can say photography is not high art when you have to go up seven
+stories to it?
+
+I now stood before the greatest photographer in the world--and the
+smallest. I stood--he danced. He talked--I listened.
+
+"Come here," he cried; "you are an artist--you can understand
+genius--you can appreciate my work."
+
+And he produced from a portfolio a quantity of studies, or, as the Major
+would call them, "flesh drawings," prettily touched in with the stump
+and chalk with a _chic_ familiar to those who know the facility of the
+French school. He patted me on the shoulder, kissed his hand to his
+work, and fell into raptures over the human form divine with an
+earnestness which showed him to be a true artist. With his sitter in
+front of him he was even more enthusiastic, placing you into position,
+and striking attitudes in front of you till you felt inclined to dance
+"Ta ra ra boom de ay" instead of remaining rigid. I pointed out to him
+that my hair being of an auburn hue, that on my chin and the remnant on
+my head came out black.
+
+"Ah, we shall alter that," he said, and he powdered my head. "And now to
+counteract that--here goes!" and with some soot or charcoal he touched
+over the scanty parts on my "dome of thought." During this process I
+noticed that his own luxurious head of hair was not a fixture. He wore a
+fez, and as he paused and pirouetted and struck attitudes, he would
+pull the fez over one eye coquettishly, or over the other one
+ferociously, and with it went his hair, parting and all. It is no wonder
+this energetic photographer was so successful with the instantaneous
+process, or that he so cleverly caught in the lens theatrical dancers
+and others in motion to perfection. Of the most successful of his photos
+that I saw was that of a row of comedians dancing together, and although
+I was not present at the moment the photograph was taken, I have no
+doubt, from the pleasant smile of their faces and their artistic poses,
+that all credit was due to the late Sarony.
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT SARONY.]
+
+The Major had his "Bureau" in Everett House. There he arranged for his
+"stars," and there under false pretences he decoyed me, and there for
+the first time initiated me into the obnoxious habit of drinking iced
+water.
+
+Most people are aware that in Nicaragua there dwell a tribe who
+gradually kill themselves by an extraordinary predilection for eating a
+certain kind of clay. These people are of the lowest order, and may
+therefore be pardoned for their foolishness in turning themselves into
+plaster casts; but why the enlightened Americans choose to convert
+themselves into walking icebergs through drinking so much iced water is
+unaccountable to the alien. They certainly do play havoc with their
+digestions. They eat rapidly and recklessly, and swallow with startling
+rapidity, for having all the dishes placed before them at once they have
+no waiting in between the courses to assist digestion, and almost before
+they have swallowed their food they freeze it with draughts of iced
+water.
+
+At this hotel in New York there lived for some years an Italian singer,
+who was a great favourite in the city, and whose horror of iced water
+was a terror to all the waiters. They knew that it was as much as their
+lives were worth, and certainly as much as the glass was worth, to set a
+drink of this concoction before him. If any new or forgetful waiter
+offered the obnoxious liquid to the foreigner, it was soon thrown at his
+head or to the other end of the room. Americans seldom show their
+feelings, but anything they resent they will harbour in their minds, and
+never forget.
+
+In due course this singer died. The weather was hot at the time, and the
+body in the shell was surrounded by ice until the time came to carry it
+out of the hotel. As it passed through the hall the manager, who had had
+many and many an upbraiding from the excitable Italian after the latter
+had been proffered the hateful iced water, rushed out and triumphantly
+exclaimed:
+
+"'Guess, sir, you've got plenty of ice now, whether you like it or
+not!'"
+
+I was told that kindness would be showered upon me in America. I lived
+in a perfect blizzard of hospitality, the force of which was too much
+for me to stand up against. The poet asks, "What's in a name?" I don't
+know, I'm sure, but I know what's not in a name, and that's something by
+which you can identify the owner of it.
+
+You are introduced to a man, his name being given you as Mr. James B.
+Brown. You could never forget his face as long as you live, but there is
+nothing in the name of James B. Brown to fix it in your memory. Indians
+are more practical--they adopt nicknames. Amongst them the gentleman in
+question would probably be known as "Cherrybeak," "Bleary Eye," or some
+such descriptive cognomen.
+
+I felt the want of this common-sense system when in America terribly.
+While there I lived at the highest pressure of hospitality. Breakfasts,
+luncheons, teas, dinners, suppers, receptions and all sorts of
+gatherings, sometimes two or three of them in one day. At each of them I
+was introduced to most interesting people, names perfectly familiar to
+me but faces unknown. I was bewildered beyond description. I made many
+friends, and as a natural consequence I made many blunders. The worst
+of these latter I really must record, and pray that should this
+confession meet the eye of my hospitable friend I trust he will forgive
+me--indeed I know he will, for he is one of the best and cleverest of
+men.
+
+I was invited to an excellent dinner by a well-known man of letters I
+had never met before. I accepted the invitation on condition I should be
+allowed to leave early, as I had engagements two or three deep for that
+evening. I came away with the best impression of my host and all his
+friends. I saw their jokes and their faces, and knew I would recollect
+both, but their names! how to recollect them was the puzzle. That
+evening I met more distinguished people at the second house I visited,
+more at the third, and still more at the fourth. I shall never forget
+their kindness, but I gave up all hopes of trying to recollect hundreds
+of names, all new to me in one evening. The problem was hopeless. The
+following morning callers began early, and more invitations poured in.
+At breakfast one of my new acquaintances called.
+
+[Illustration: JAMES B. BROWN!]
+
+"Tell me, Mr. Furniss, have you met our great literary man and renowned
+humorist, Mr. James B. Brown?"
+
+"Brown, Brown!" I repeated (that was not the name of course, but it will
+do). "Well, no. I know his name so well, but I don't think I have yet
+had the pleasure of making his acquaintance."
+
+"Not know James B. Brown? Well, you must straightaway. Now let me
+reckon. You leave New York at four this afternoon--you must lunch first.
+Why not with me at the ---- Club? I'll get James B. Brown there or I'll
+swallow Bartholdi's statue!"
+
+I found refusals were of no avail, so I agreed. At one I entered the
+club, at two minutes past one James B. Brown entered, and we met. He was
+my first host of the previous evening!
+
+We were formally introduced. I smiled--James B. Brown didn't. James B.
+Brown pulled himself up to his full height--about double mine--I never
+felt so small before. I shook his hand (he didn't shake mine) and said:
+
+"This is a great honour and pleasant surprise," and I pulled the
+dismayed celebrity gently to my side, when getting on tip-toes I
+telephoned up the string of his eye-glass:
+
+"Keep up the joke, Mr. Brown, keep it up. Fact is, I was so delighted at
+meeting you last night and so charmed with you that when I was asked if
+I had met you before I said 'No,' so that I might have the pleasure of
+meeting you again. Forgive me!"
+
+James B. Brown shook my hand warmly, and telephoned down:
+
+"Sir, this is the greatest compliment I have ever received. Your sin
+will be forgiven for your sincere flattery of so humble an admirer as
+myself."
+
+Americans claim to be superior to us in respect of three things--their
+facility in travelling, their fire system, and their after-dinner
+speaking. One of these I will not question, and that is the Fire
+Brigade. It is necessary for America to excel in this respect, for with
+their huge warehouses and stores overstocked with inflammable goods fire
+would destroy their cities as Chicago was destroyed, were they not so
+wonderfully prompt and efficient with their engines and appliances.
+
+When I arrived in the States I only presented two of the very numerous
+letters of introduction with which I was supplied. One was to the Chief
+of Police in New York, and the other was to the Captain of the Fire
+Brigade. The latter I met, when I arrived at the station at which he is
+located, just coming out in ordinary clothes, for it was his night off;
+but such is the pride taken by the Fire Brigade in their work that
+whatever engagement he was going to keep was abandoned, and he was at my
+service until I had seen everything it was possible to see in connection
+with the famous Fire Brigade.
+
+[Illustration: FIRE!]
+
+As I was speaking to the Captain in the engine-room I noticed a couple
+of horses standing there. One of them was a grey mare with a most
+cunning look, and as the Captain was informing me that "she had done
+continuous work here for some years," she gave me an artful wink of
+confirmation. Just at that moment the alarm bell suddenly vibrated, and
+before you could say Jack Robinson (even if you wanted to), seemingly by
+magic but in reality by electricity, the halters fell from the horses'
+heads, and to my surprise, without any one being near them they rushed
+to their places at either side of the shaft of the engine. There were
+manholes in the ceiling, through which brass rods were suspended
+vertically. Down these slid half-dressed men, who seemed to turn a
+somersault into their clothes during the descent on to the engine, the
+harness suspended above the horses dropped on to their backs, and in an
+instant they were in the street, the engine manned, its fire ablaze, and
+the horses alive to the stiff job they had before them of reaching the
+fire in an incredibly short space of time. But hardly had they taken the
+first leap from one of the boulders over the cavities with which New
+York streets abound to another, than a whistle from the Captain stopped
+them. It was a false alarm given for my edification. Before they could
+get back into the engine-house I was conducted by the Captain into the
+dormitory, where I concealed myself under a bed. Without a grumble the
+men came up and literally walked out of their clothes, for boots, pants
+and everything are all one piece. They opened these carefully and laid
+them ready by the side of their beds, and in a few minutes were all
+snoring fast asleep.
+
+The Captain gave a slight tap on the floor as a signal for another false
+alarm. At the first sound of the bell, with one bound the men were out
+of bed, in another into their combinations, and in a third they were
+going head over heels down the holes in the floor, just as mice would
+disappear down theirs at the sight of a cat, and in a second or two I
+heard again the rumbling of the engine over the pavement.
+
+We escaped before the men were back again to bed, but hardly had I been
+shown the completeness of everything, and gone into details which I need
+not repeat here, and had another wink from the old grey mare, which
+plainly said, "Ah, I knew those alarms were false," when her two ears
+went up like a flash as she sprang under her harness once more, the
+other animal as quickly by her side. The third alarm was a genuine one,
+and she knew it. The Captain and I, as soon as the alarm was given,
+rushed in the direction of the fire, but we had not got to the first
+corner before the old mare and her companion flew past, and I just had
+time to notice that the men were completing their toilet as they were
+hurled by. Quickly followed the officer of the night in his one-horse
+trap, and by the time we got to the fire, which was only round a block
+of buildings, an exhibition of fire engines and appliances was collected
+there which beggars description. The water tower, a huge affair seventy
+or eighty feet high, built up like a crane, which shoots water on to
+the top of the burning building; so also are the hook and ladder
+brigade, the men with the jumping net--in fact, everything is at hand.
+This is accounted for by the fact that a policeman at any corner, when
+giving the alarm of a fire, touches an electric button or turns a
+handle, which gives the signal at every fire station, unloosing the
+horses and putting everything into motion at once.
+
+[Illustration: THE ALARM.]
+
+The one weak point in the whole system is that the alarms are not
+isolated, which means that every signal of fire in the big city of New
+York disturbs every man and horse at every station, some of them nine
+miles away from the scene of the conflagration, for so anxious are the
+men to be up to time that they are often in the street, harnessed,
+equipped and ready, before the second signal comes to acquaint them
+with the locality and extent of the fire. At least that was then the
+system.
+
+When I returned to England I stopped once as I was passing a fire
+station and told the men of the wonders I had seen in America. A very
+athletic, sailor-looking fireman, who had listened attentively to all I
+had to say, chimed in with "Yes, sir, what you've said is quite true,
+for I've been in America myself, and seen them at work; but though they
+may possibly get to the fire a few seconds quicker than we, when we _do_
+get there we put it out. That's more than they do generally."
+
+"Well, perhaps so," I rejoined; "but then you haven't the wonderful
+electric apparatus for dropping the harness on to the horses' backs!"
+
+"No," said he, "we go a step further than that; the harness is on the
+horses' backs beforehand!"
+
+This youth's visit to America had evidently had a sharpening effect upon
+him, for he was a bit too wideawake for me.
+
+Being on a trip for rest and health, I found the gaiety of New York too
+much for me, so having whispered to my friends that I was going to study
+culture and eat bacon and beans in Boston, I quietly slipped off to
+study Congress and to feast my eyes on the beautiful city of Washington.
+
+Not being clean-shaven I could not wear a false beard, so I took a false
+name. "Mr. Harry Furniss of London _Punch_" went in the spirit to Boston
+(for had I stayed much longer in New York my used-up body would have
+been returned in spirits to England); "Mr. French of Nowhere" went in
+the flesh to Washington.
+
+On arriving at my hotel I signed "Mr. French of Nowhere." Reporters who
+scan the hotel list did not think "Mr. French of Nowhere" a subject
+worthy of dissection, so for a few days I thought I should enjoy perfect
+peace with profit. A "stocky little Englishman" taking notes _en
+passant_ with an amateurish fervency was probably what most people would
+think who cared to think at all of the stranger in their midst.
+
+But it so happened that in going down by train from New York I sat
+opposite to a very delightful American gentleman, and we chatted away
+in the most friendly fashion. We parted on arriving at the city. Next
+day I happened to "strike" him in the street.
+
+"I've been on the look-out for you everywhere, Mr. French" (I had given
+him my assumed name in the train). "I am very anxious to show you all
+over this beautiful city, and my brother the Judge is also anxious that
+you should dine at his house."
+
+I thanked him most cordially, and accepted his kind offer, saying that I
+should be ready for him at my hotel at 9 o'clock the next morning. We
+parted, but my conscience pricked me for giving him a false name, so I
+hurried back after him and explained to him the whole circumstance. It
+was flattering to me to see that he took a greater interest than ever in
+being my guide. The next morning Mr. French (to all but my new
+acquaintance) was in the hall of the "Arlington" at the appointed time.
+I waited and waited, but my guide did not put in an appearance.
+Presently a strange gentleman came up to me, and boldly addressed me by
+my proper name. I saw at once I was in the clutches of an interviewer,
+so I point-blank contradicted him, and asserted that my name was French.
+
+"That won't do for me," he said.
+
+"Then you won't do for me," I said, and turned upon my heel.
+
+However, I rather liked the look of the man, and didn't like to
+disappoint him altogether, being a journalist myself.
+
+"I am waiting for a gentleman," I said. "I expect him every minute, and
+then I must be off."
+
+"You may wait, but I guess that gentleman won't arrive," said the
+journalist, "and I want a column out of you for our evening paper."
+
+A frightful thought flashed across my mind.
+
+"Have I been sold?"
+
+I had, and I thought more of the gentleman of the Press (all the
+Pressmen were very kind to me in Washington, and, indeed, all over
+America) than I did of my newly-made erratic acquaintance.
+
+When I paid my second and professional visit to Washington years
+afterwards, of course it was a different matter. My representative had
+for business reasons to invite the Press to "boom" me. I was rated a
+good subject for interviewers, being only too pleased to do my best for
+our mutual benefit. One day a representative of the important Washington
+family paper called. We lunched and chatted, and subsequently over a
+cigar he informed me that he knew nothing about art or artists or
+politics, nor had he any object in common with me--in fact, he was the
+sporting editor. The interview appeared--two long columns on prize
+fighting! I was the innocent "peg" upon which the sporting writer hung
+his own ideas. He discussed "a rendezvous in the Rockies," remote from
+the centre of civilisation, as surely an appropriate locale for a
+train-scuttling speciality or a fight to a death finish between Roaring
+Gore and Wild Whiskers. A pair of athletes, scienced to the tips of
+their vibrating digits, compelled to appeal to the courtesy of a wild
+and well-whiskered Legislature, would doubtless appear inconsistent to
+gentlemen of the National Sporting Club of London, who were anxious to
+have the big fight settled within earshot of Bow Bells, in the luxurious
+rooms of the London National Sporting Club. One combatant, I declared,
+"swallowed the gruel rammed at him as if it were mother's milk," the
+lads "had enough blood on tap to run a sizeable slaughterhouse"; then a
+British fighter "swallowing a lobster salad on top of a whiskey sour,
+with a dose of prussic acid by way of dessert"; and references to my
+knowledge of the "Freds," "Toms," or "Dicks" of the Sporting Press of
+London, and to my familiarity with "Charlies," "Fitzs," and "Jims" of
+the "Magic Circle," were astounding.
+
+My manager rushed into my rooms with the paper in question. "This will
+ruin your prospects here! We depend on the women folk; they will never
+come to hear you after reading this!" And so it was. In spite of other
+interviewers at Washington writing of me as "an English good fellow,
+rich and juicy, and genial in flavour, like other hot stuffs of that
+remarkable country"; and another,
+
+     "Harry Furniss' eclipse of the gayety of John Bull, with facile
+     pencil and brilliant tongue, attracted a cultured assemblage to the
+     Columbia Theatre. Furniss, a plump lump of a man, all curves from
+     pumps to poll, in gesture and in the breezy flourish of his
+     sentences, genially cynical like Voltaire, cuts an engaging figure
+     in his black coat that he wears with the inborn grace of a
+     well-dined Londoner, a bon vivant, whose worldly shaft tickles and
+     never bites, for he is a gentleman whose wit wins and never wounds.
+     Furniss is Thackeray in the satirist's mellow moments, and there is
+     no little of the Thackerian spirit radiating in the pictures of
+     this rotund and quaint little caricaturist."
+
+I did very bad business in Washington, largely due to bad management.
+Five o'clock teas had become the rage of Washington Society, and my
+appearances in the theatre were between 4.15 and 6 o'clock in the
+afternoon. Alluding to this a critic wrote in the _Morning Times_: "It
+may help Mr. Furniss to forgive the small audiences here in Washington
+if he is informed that during this season none of his English friends
+have made a very glittering success; nearly all of them have lost money
+or made very little. We seem to be somewhat down on Englishmen this
+year."
+
+As Washington is the capital of America, so the Capitol, where Congress
+meets, is the cap of the capital, the dome, of course, being the
+Capitol's cap, and a capital cap it is, covering the collective
+councillors of the country. The Capitol itself looks like a huge white
+eagle protecting the interests of the States. Audubon's Bird of
+Washington is the name of the eagle well-known to naturalists, but this
+_rara avis_ is the _Falcho Washingtoniensis_. At its heart is seated the
+Supreme Court, keeping an eagle eye on the laws of the land; under its
+right wing is the Senate (equivalent to the English House of Lords); and
+the left shelters the House of Representatives (corresponding to our
+House of Commons). At first this bird of buildings had no wings, and the
+three representative assemblies sat in the Central Edifice; afterwards
+the wings were added, and now the Capitol is fly enough for anything. It
+soars high above the city, and from its summit a capital birdseye view
+is naturally obtained.
+
+The Senate in the American Congress answers to the House of Lords in the
+British Parliament. The "sporting editor" would doubtless say that each
+in its respective country is the right hand of the Government, and when
+there happens to be a genuine stand-up fight, as foreseen with Spain, an
+international contest, although the "left," in prize ring phraseology
+(the House of Representatives in America and the House of Commons in
+England), does all the preliminary work, it is reserved for the right,
+when the critical moment arrives, to administer the knock-out blow.
+
+[Illustration: THE THRONE IN THE SENATE.]
+
+In both the Old Country and the New these superior senators are
+politically alike. Representatively they are as different as iced water
+is to old port.
+
+[Illustration: THE THRONE, HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.]
+
+The seating of the senators in these two assemblages is typical of the
+countries they represent. In the British House of Lords the Peers loll
+about on scarlet sofas; in America the chosen ones sit at desks. The
+British Peer has forsaken one lounge to occupy another; the American has
+left the office desk for the desk in office. In Britain the House of
+Lords is composed of Princes and Peers, with an admixture of bishops,
+brewers, and other political party pullers; it is also an asylum for
+stranded political wrecks from the Lower House. Soldiers and sailors,
+too, are honoured and are sent there, not as politicians, but merely to
+exist for the time being in a sort of respectable retreat, before being
+translated to the crypt of Westminster Abbey or St. Paul's. John Bull
+has made this hereditary hotch-potch, and he must swallow it. Jonathan
+selects his senators to his own taste, and has them dished up fresh from
+time to time.
+
+The Senate is not sombre and sedate as is our Upper House, but
+simplicity itself--no gilded throne, no Lord Chancellor in wig and gown,
+no offensive officialism. It looks like a huge auction room, the
+auctioneer being the deputy President standing at a table hammer in hand
+knocking down the separate business of State lot by lot as put up by the
+clerks.
+
+The House of Representatives, like the Senate, reminds one very much of
+an auction room. It is a splendid hall, but its size prevents Members
+from being heard very distinctly, particularly as they talk away amongst
+themselves, except when anything particularly interesting is going on.
+In the Senate the table, and the clerks' table, are of dark wood; in the
+House of Representatives they are of white marble. The American flag
+hanging over the balcony gives it a semi-theatrical look, and the white
+marble table resembles an American bar, making one feel inclined to go
+up to it and order a brandy-smash, a gin-sling, or a corpse-reviver.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The House has not met as I enter. The page-boys are playing at leapfrog,
+and some early Members are disposing of their correspondence, and
+instead of reproving the boys cast glances at them that seem to signify
+they would like to join in the game themselves. Presently a Member comes
+in backwards through one of the doorways, calling out to something that
+is following him. I lean over to see if he has brought his favourite dog
+or domestic cat, when a little infant in modernised Dutch costume comes
+in waddling laughingly after her parent. Another Member turns round on
+his swivel chair as his page-boy runs up to him, shakes him heartily by
+the hand, tosses him on his foot and gives him a "ride-a-cock-horse."
+Oh, you English sticklers for etiquette! What would you say if Mr.
+Labouchere came in on all fours with his little child pulling his
+coat-tails and whacking him with a stick, or if Sir William Harcourt
+played at leapfrog with Lulu round the Speaker's chair?
+
+[Illustration: THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.]
+
+My drawing will show you better what the House of Representatives is
+like than any written description I can give. Each Member has his own
+desk, with his Parliamentary papers all around him. He is not bothered,
+as Members are in England, by having his papers sent to his private
+house, or having to call for them at the office when he arrives, or
+actually having to fight for a seat. Americans pay their
+Representatives, and consider that they too have a right to be
+accommodated with a seat whenever they want one to see them, and to know
+who they are; so you have in front of you a diagram of the sitting
+arrangements of the House, with the names of the Members.
+
+[Illustration: AN EX-SPEAKER.]
+
+At 12 o'clock the procession enters. An official carries a little wand
+with the eagle on top, and after the Chaplain (during my first visit I
+saw the "Blind Chaplain," the Rev. W. H. Milburn) has delivered a few
+touching words about the floods in Minnesota, the reading of the
+"reakard" begins. The House buzzes with conversation and displays the
+utmost indifference while the minutes of the last meeting are read with
+extraordinary rapidity by a clerk with a grating voice. Every now and
+then a Member corrects a misprint in the "reakard" of what he has said,
+and then leave of absence is given to applicants for it, who have to
+state their reasons. The Chairmen of the various Committees then report
+to the House, Chairmen of Committees taking in turn to sit in the
+Speaker's Chair and preside over the House, whilst anyone can examine
+them.
+
+Instead of calling out a Member by his name--Mr. Bacon or Mr. Beans--the
+Speaker calls upon "the gentleman from Illinois," or "the gentleman from
+Michigan." But if any question arises to which some Member has an
+objection filibustering is rampant. The Speaker rises and asks if there
+is any objection to the consideration of the Bill. After a pause he
+says, "The Chair hears none," and is about ordering the Bill to be
+engrossed when some Member objects and a division is taken, the Members
+standing up to be counted. Groups of them, however, do not pay a bit of
+attention, and sit about on their desks smoking cigars and telling
+stories, and when the numbers are given some of these will get up and
+complain that their names are not included, as they did not hear, or
+went out to speak to a friend, or some trivial excuse like that, so they
+are counted again. One in particular I noticed and made a sketch of
+peeling and eating an apple, and he strolled up afterwards and demanded
+to have his name inserted. More delay; then "the gentleman from
+Somewhere-else" informs the Speaker that there is not a quorum. "The
+gentleman from Bedlam" demands a division taken by tellers, and the
+Speaker agrees, and is just appointing the tellers, when "the gentleman
+from Obstructianna" calls for "Yeas and Nays," which means, gentle
+reader, that the whole of the House of Representatives have to be called
+out by name, from Alpha to Omega. Those not wishing to vote smoke or eat
+apples. Then some Member comes in and informs the Speaker that he didn't
+hear his name when it was called.
+
+In case the reader may think I am exaggerating I append the following
+cutting from the "Congressional Record," vol. xxiii., No. 93.:
+
+     "Mr. O'NEILL of Pennsylvania. Mr. Speaker, I am paired, but I have
+     voted in order to make a quorum.
+
+     The SPEAKER. There is no quorum.
+
+     Mr. HENDERSON of Iowa. Mr. Speaker, when my name was called the
+     first time I did not hear it, and the second time I was examining
+     some papers and my name was passed before I could answer.
+
+     The SPEAKER. Did the gentleman fail to hear his name?
+
+     Mr. HENDERSON of Iowa. I heard it called, but did not answer in
+     time.
+
+     The SPEAKER. The gentleman understands the rule. If the gentleman
+     states that he was in the Hall of the House and failed to hear his
+     name, his vote will be recorded.
+
+     Mr. HENDERSON of Iowa. I was.
+
+     The vote of Mr. HENDERSON of Iowa was recorded.
+
+     Mr. PATTERSON of Tennessee. Mr. Speaker, I desire to vote.
+
+     The SPEAKER. Was the gentleman in the Hall, and did he fail to hear
+     his name called?
+
+     Mr. PATTERSON of Tennessee. Yes, sir.
+
+     The vote of Mr. PATTERSON of Tennessee was recorded.
+
+     Mr. DOLLIVER. Mr. Speaker, although paired I have voted to make a
+     quorum.
+
+     Mr. McKEIGHAN. Mr. Speaker, I was in the Hall and heard my name,
+     but did not vote because I did not understand the measure. If it is
+     in order I desire now to vote.
+
+     The SPEAKER. The Chair can not entertain the gentleman's request
+     under the rule.
+
+     Mr. HUFF. Mr. Speaker, I voted to make a quorum. I am paired with
+     Mr. KRIBBS.
+
+     The SPEAKER. On this vote the yeas are 136 and the nays 3. No
+     quorum has voted.
+
+     Mr. O'NEILL of Pennsylvania. I withdraw my vote.
+
+     Mr. HOLMAN. Mr. Speaker, I ask unanimous consent that another vote
+     be taken, which I have no doubt will show the presence of a quorum.
+
+     Mr. BURROWS. Mr. Speaker, can not that request be modified so as to
+     provide for taking the vote on the passage of the Bill instead of
+     on the engrossment and third reading? I ask unanimous consent that
+     the vote may be taken on the passage of the Bill.
+
+     Mr. CHIPMAN rose.
+
+     The SPEAKER. The Chair will state that the roll call having
+     disclosed the absence of a quorum, no business is in order but a
+     call of the House or a motion to adjourn.
+
+     Mr. HOLMAN. Then, Mr. Speaker, I move a call of the House.
+
+     A call of the House was ordered."
+
+Then that grating voice calls out the list from A to Z, the pairs are
+called, more explanations given, then there is more filibustering (I
+think that is the correct word) on the part of the obstructionists, and
+for the third time the same farce is enacted. Then the division takes
+place, when the Members leave their seats and are counted as they enter.
+No, the division takes place before the last count, for after the names
+are called again and there are more explanations, when the Speaker
+"recognises the gentleman's right," or does not as the case may be. I
+know three hours of this was enough to show me that, although the
+Americans may boast of being our superiors in many ways, such a farce as
+I have described could never take place in the British Parliament. Why
+on earth don't they take a division as we do, when the Members leave
+their seats and the Ayes and Noes are locked in separate Lobbies, and as
+they re-enter their votes are recorded and they are counted by the
+tellers, and the question at issue is settled finally without doubt? I
+must say that for a practical people the Parliamentary procedure seemed
+to me the most unpractical ceremony I had ever witnessed. Yet they are
+practical in some Parliamentary matters. For instance, there is a
+Committee of Rules, presided over by the Speaker, which meets to decide
+what time the House shall devote to each question, say two hours--one
+for the Democrats and one for the Republicans. Each speaker in the
+debate is allowed five minutes, and when this is up the Speaker reminds
+him of the fact by rapping the table with his hammer.
+
+[Illustration: AN EX-MINISTER.]
+
+Again, it is very convenient that a Member can have speeches that he has
+never delivered printed on the Parliamentary record. In England a
+country Member is about to make a speech, and being anxious to let his
+constituents have it in full he gives it to the representatives of his
+local paper, and it is in the press before he delivers it. Something may
+happen to prevent the delivery of the speech, and Hansard has not a line
+of it. A curious thing happened in the "Congressional Record" a year or
+two ago. The same speech was published as having been uttered by two
+very different Members. This occurred through a New York orator handing
+his speech (a eulogium on a deceased Member) to a friend to correct.
+This friend had an eye to business, and he picked out another Member who
+yearned to be thought an orator but who was not blessed with forensic
+power and had never made a speech in his life, and sold him the speech
+for forty dollars. He walked into the House swelling in anticipation of
+his coming effort, but his chagrin was great when he discovered
+precisely the same speech in the "Record." How is this for an instance
+of American journalistic smartness?
+
+After the exhibition of filibustering I described the House adjourned,
+having done absolutely nothing but convince the stranger in the gallery
+that payment of Members leads to a waste of time, which is not played
+ducks and drakes with by the Members of our House.
+
+An evening sitting is, of course, livelier, though at the outset there
+are more strangers in the gallery than Members on the floor. It is
+amusing to note how the ladies crowd the seats, and how the Congressman
+lolls on the sofa in the outer circle of the chamber, or turns round in
+his chair at his desk, crossing his legs on the desk in front of him,
+puffs his cigar, and, heedless of the fate of the nation, turns round
+and fascinates the fair ones in the gallery. It is amusing also to see a
+Member leave his seat during his speech and walk all over the floor,
+snapping his fingers and pummelling any desk handy. The official
+reporter follows him about, book in hand, wherever the Member's
+eloquence leads him, and his friends crowd around him when he stands or
+walks and vigorously applaud him; so do the audience in the gallery when
+his eloquence ceases, while his friends rush to shake his hand. He then
+walks round and receives congratulations, like a man passing round the
+hat. The clapping of the desk lids is very effective as a means of
+approval or otherwise; but if the orator goes too far and a scene is the
+result, the noise is too much even for the American House of
+Representatives, and the Serjeant-at-Arms has to take the spread-eagle
+on a toasting fork and walk up to the windy Member. I have made a sketch
+of a Member who made an aggressive speech, and on being replied to by
+another Member, walked up to the Speaker, leant on his desk, and puffed
+his cigar right under his nose. All this to one accustomed to the
+English House of Commons is beyond comprehension, and the only parallel
+I can think of is the trial scene in "The Bells," when Mathias walks
+about the court and snaps his fingers at the judges and then acts the
+perpetration of the deed for which he is called upon to answer.
+
+During my stay I heard a very funny specimen of rant from a gentleman of
+the name of Turner, who was suffering from an attack of Anglophobia. He
+would delight the Mortons and Conybeares whom we have to tolerate, and
+his pronunciation of the Old Country's language was even worse than the
+sentiments he expressed. He spoke of the "extremest spirit" of
+"_o_fficial day_tee_," whatever that may mean; the next screech brought
+out "_do_mestic _hoo_rizon," and he pathetically alluded to his
+constituents as the people who lived in the "boomed city, who do not get
+an elegant _re_ward for their la_bor_."
+
+[Illustration: ANGLOPHOBIA.]
+
+I was also amused by another gentleman in a discussion about some Bills.
+He jumped up, and rushing over to where his opponents sat, he shouted at
+them, "_Talk! You?_--you--you--you--you--you--you--you?" (and with
+dreadful emphasis) "I've reported your little Bills!"
+
+Then there were cries of "Go ahead! Vote! vote! vote! vote!" and to
+crown the gentleman's vehemence he cried out repeatedly, "I demand a
+division!" (Chorus): "Pull him down!"
+
+"I demand a division!" "Pull him down!"
+
+"I demand a division!" "Pull him down!"
+
+And he refused to leave off until the eagle-topped toasting fork was
+brought into play once more.
+
+A veritable pandemonium is this Parliament! Fascinating to me, who have
+spent so much time in studying every detail of our own Parliament, which
+I have not the slightest doubt would prove just as strange and funny to
+the American visitor, if like me he sees the ridiculous side of
+everything, even of such an august assemblage as that of the legislators
+of a nation.
+
+[Illustration: THE PRESIDENT--IDEAL.]
+
+[Illustration: THE PRESIDENT--REAL.]
+
+Privacy is unknown in America. Everyone there, from the President in the
+White House to your Chinese washerman in his laundry, is accessible to
+all. I have visited both with less difficulty than I would experience in
+approaching Brown, Jones or Robinson in this country. Here the business
+man's time is his own, and you must not rob him of a minute any more
+than of his cheque-book. In America a business man's time belongs to
+anyone who may require it. You walk in to see him at will, and if
+Jonathan can earn a dollar whilst in his bath by talking to you through
+the keyhole he will do it, and he is just as open in giving his time to
+show you any gracious action. The busiest man in America, the President,
+surrounded by affairs of State, leaves them and shakes my hand in
+welcome to his country. I say shakes my hand, for although I apologise
+for my intrusion (which, by the way, was quite unnecessary) and pay him
+some pleasant compliments, President Harrison replies only by shaking my
+hand. I wax eloquent over the magnificence of the great country over
+which he presides; I touch upon the coming election, and even give him
+some information of value which I happen to have overheard by accident.
+I lead him to believe that I am entrusted with secrets by the English
+Cabinet about the Behring Straits and other vexed questions, and I
+openly tell him what I believe to be the dark designs of England upon a
+free country; in fact, I don't know what I don't tell him, and now that
+he is no more I see no just cause or impediment why I should not now
+make public his reply. It is all on the next page.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+As all English people could not get to Niagara, Niagara was brought to
+them in the shape of an excellent diorama, which proved a great success
+in London a few years ago. The atmospheric effect in all dioramas is
+procured by making the visitor first pass through dark passages, fall up
+unlighted stairs, and tumble about in the tortuous corridors in the
+blackness; then, brought suddenly face to face with the picture well lit
+up, the eye is affected by the glare of light, which would not be the
+case if the spectator walked straight into the diorama from the street.
+Now, curiously enough, you approach the real Niagara in much the same
+way--that is, if, as I did, you go from Buffalo, and as was my lot, in
+the most depressing weather.
+
+[Illustration: A BUFFALO GIRL.]
+
+I had to wait for the train to start at Buffalo in a _Dee_po which
+eclipsed anything I have seen for gloom. The shoeblack's platform, of
+more than ordinary proportions, occupied a good fifth of the
+waiting-room. Its dusky proprietor was in possession of the throne, and
+was discussing politics with a brother brush whose massive feet were
+resting on the structure, an advertisement for the operating shoeblack,
+implying that both the quality and quantity of his shine were superior.
+
+The train was also very gloomy. My vis-a-vis was an old Buffalo girl who
+must have remembered coming out to "dance by the light of the moon" a
+couple of generations ago, when that melody was popular.
+
+[[**Full page here!]
+
+
+PRESIDENT HARRISON'S REPLY.]
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH AT NIAGARA.]
+
+The exit from the town is made through a hideous quarter--wooden houses
+and huts, depressing dirty streets, and the sides of the railway covered
+with the refuse of a generation. Then some miles of open country, with a
+building here and there which might possibly have added a little
+picturesqueness to the dismal scene had not those despoilers of all
+picturesqueness, the advertisers--and, above all, the advertisers of
+pills--made an eyesore wherever the same was possible. Then through a
+mile or two of apple orchards and more country with huts advertising
+pills--probably the apples in those orchards are most particularly sour.
+The rain came down fast, the train went on slowly; at every station damp
+people with wet umbrellas came in and made me shudder. Altogether the
+prospect of my getting a favourable impression of Niagara was a black
+one. But it so happens the effect was quite the reverse--it was
+precisely the same as passing through the gloomy passages leading to the
+diorama.
+
+[Illustration: HEBE.]
+
+As I walked to an hotel to have some lunch before seeing the Falls, I
+was startled to see in wood (everything is either water or wood at
+Niagara) my old friend Mr. Punch standing outside a cigar shop, smiling
+as usual; so after I had taken one of his cigars and lighted it, we had
+a chat about Fleet Street and all his friends there.
+
+[Illustration: MY DRIVER.]
+
+"Guess, stranger, I'm here to draw the Britishers. 'Amurrcans' don't
+understand me. They try to draw me, but they might just as well try to
+draw one of these wooden cigars in my hand. Their sarcasm runs off me
+like this rain, and I keep on smiling. They laugh at the Britishers
+journeying thousands of miles to see this place, just as the English
+smile at the Americans pilgrimaging to Stratford-on-Avon. Why, it's real
+cheap to find natives round here who've lived all their lives within
+earshot of the Falls and never seen them yet!"
+
+We compared notes--American and English--and parted.
+
+At the hotel to which I repaired for the purpose of refreshing the inner
+man I was waited upon by a Hebe for the first, last and only time while
+I was in the States. Quick, quiet and clean--what a relief after the
+coloured gentleman!
+
+[Illustration: FRA' HUDDERSFIELD.]
+
+Hiring a covered conveyance with two horses and a very intelligent
+driver, shaped something like his own whip, who was to act as my guide
+as well as my Jehu, I was driven through the town of wooden houses to an
+office where I bought tickets to pass me to the various places of
+interest. The purveyor of this pasteboard looked like a French peasant,
+spoke with an American accent, and came from the town of Huddersfield in
+England.
+
+I had no doubt the driver had graduated in his work from the perch of a
+London hansom, and that probably the horses had been trained at
+Newmarket. Everything is so very "English, you know," at Niagara, from
+the wooden Punch to the pasteboard man.
+
+I was informed by everyone that Niagara would grow upon me. I was rather
+alarmed to find it growing upon me the moment I arrived, for it was
+raining in torrents and I had juvenile Niagaras all round my umbrella. I
+should rather say you grow upon Niagara--at least, for my own part, I
+felt that if I were left there long enough I should do so. It was the
+most fascinating sight I ever saw, and I felt as I stood motionless and
+riveted to the spot I had had enough water to last me for the remaining
+term of my existence.
+
+[Illustration: NIAGARA GROWING UPON ME.]
+
+Everyone, even the clerk of the weather, had arranged that my visit to
+America should be pleasant. Niagara, to be seen at its best, must be
+viewed on a pouring wet day. I know few of my readers will accept this
+assertion as a serious fact, but it's true. It is just as true as the
+fact that the way to obtain the full flavour of strawberries is to put
+pepper on them, and that the sole method of fully relishing ham is to
+use a dash of champagne as a sauce. There are people who even in this
+enlightened age vegetate upon the face of the earth and know not these
+things, and a very great many more who do not know that they ought to
+select a soakingly wet day to appreciate the Falls of Niagara at their
+highest value.
+
+It is not for the extra bucketful or so of water that you may behold,
+for that is imperceptible, but for the water you _don't_ see. A fine day
+is a mistake, and the finer the day the greater the mistake, for the
+reason that distances appear nearer, and the scene as a picture appears
+contracted in consequence. But when the rain falls in torrents at your
+feet, and then gradually disappears in mist, it gives to the Falls a
+certain mystery and suggestion of vastness that cannot possibly be
+experienced by the spectator except upon a thoroughly wet, misty day.
+
+Therefore I congratulated myself that I saw Niagara on my first visit at
+its wettest and best. Had I waited till the next day I could have gone
+to exactly the same points at Niagara and seen the same pictures, in
+water and colour of course, totally different in effect. You ought to
+allow at least three days instead of three hours to inspect Niagara. The
+first day ought to be wet, then one fine morning you should see it early
+and drive round it in the beautiful afternoon, and stroll there alone or
+otherwise by moonlight.
+
+[Illustration: I ADMIRE THE GREAT HORSESHOE FALL.]
+
+There I stood under my umbrella, with the rain coming down in sheets and
+the spray and mist rising up, feeling that I must do one or both of two
+things--write poetry or commit suicide. I had just got to--
+
+  "Oh, dashing, splashing King of Water,
+  Is that mist thy lovely daughter?
+  Tell me, through thy roar and thunder,
+  Canst thou----"
+
+when the crack of a whip brought me to my senses. It was produced by my
+faithful driver, who had come in search of me. I was saved.
+
+He explained to me the wonders of the Great Horseshoe Fall (who more
+able to do this than a driver?), and wound up by saying:
+
+"Guess we'll harness Niagara yet--we've got the traces nearly on now."
+
+[Illustration: JONATHAN HARNESSING NIAGARA.]
+
+We had reached the carriage and pair when this meditative remark escaped
+him. Thinking he was referring to some other gee-gee of his, possibly
+one called appropriately after the Falls, and which was being broken in,
+I said that I thought the present pair went very well in harness
+together and had a lot of work in them yet.
+
+"Why, certn'ly," was all he said as he shut the carriage door, but he
+gave me a puzzled, anxious look, and I saw that he caught sight of my
+poetry. I evidently had not understood his remark, nor had he
+comprehended mine. At the next stopping place, about a mile above the
+Falls, he explained that "there was seven million horse-power running
+wild." It is to be "harnessed" at a cost of about 5,200,000 dollars, and
+horse-power of upwards of 260,000 will be collared. Yes, Jonathan,
+mounted upon his thirsty steed Dollars, is about to lasso picturesque
+Niagara. I saw through the mist the destroyers at work; mills with their
+hideous chimneys and dirty smoke, and attendant railways puffing
+commerce will be seen when the landscape is clear. Jonathan cares not;
+as a writer on this act of ultra-vandalism declares:
+
+"Nothing is sacred to the practical man of the present age, especially
+when he happens to dwell on the other side of the Atlantic. There he
+uses the wonders of Nature as advertising boards for puffing quack
+medicines or patent stoves, and the picturesque and the grandiose are
+only appreciated by him in proportion to their utilitarian value."
+
+[Illustration: "THE THREE SISTERS."]
+
+Of course I paid my respects to the sisters of Niagara, or rather, to
+the islands of that name. To do so I had to leave the carriage and walk
+to the islands over little bridges, and again that feeling of
+fascination overcame me, and looking round to see that the driver was
+not following me a second time, I stealthily pulled out my verse and
+abandoned myself to my poetical inspirations. I had my eyes fixed upon
+three rocks in front of me, round which the waters, in all sorts of
+forms and colours, were dashing. "The Three Sisters," I repeated to
+myself. "Three sisters--some idea to work in here. Let me see, the
+daughter is the mist--the three sisters--why, there they are!" Oh, why
+was I born a caricaturist? All poetry had vanished; Niagara's
+fascination was dispelled!
+
+When next you visit Niagara stand on the last of the three sisters and
+find the three portraits in the rocks. It is a puzzle picture; a
+_fac-simile_ of which I here present you with.
+
+I was next driven to the Inclined Railway, to descend which would enable
+me to see the Falls from below. Arrived there, I found an old lady
+cross-examining the attendant anent the safety of the railway, which,
+truth to tell, is somewhat appalling to look at, the incline being at an
+angle of thirty-one degrees. The motive-power is water, and what the old
+lady wanted to know was whether the water would hold out long enough to
+bring her back again.
+
+"Niagara dry up in five minutes? Wal, old gal, that's clever! Guess this
+railway's bin workin' every day you have--forty-five years now."
+
+The questioner, who had witnessed, at the least computation, sixty
+summers come and go, promptly vanished at this soft impeachment, and I
+descended alone.
+
+[Illustration: INCLINED RAILWAY, NIAGARA.]
+
+Wonderful, magnificent as Niagara indubitably is, that sense which
+enables me to drink in and appreciate to the full Nature's works of
+sublime grandeur and vastness was ruined for the day. My eyes had beheld
+the "Three Sisters" in the rocks; after that they discovered faces in
+everything. They fell upon this mountain of ice and beheld spray that
+had frozen into a grinning mask. Cautiously I picked my way along the
+treacherous surface in the direction of its ear to see the spray rising
+up from the other side, when suddenly my feet slipped on the ice and I
+had had a fall as well as seen one.
+
+In all probability this _contretemps_ would have been avoided had I not
+been followed by one of those pests, a guide, the sight of whom caused
+me to make undue hurry over the frozen surface. Harpies of this ilk are
+the bane of sight-seeing all the world over.
+
+My next performance was to drive through the town of wood for the
+purpose of striking the water at another point; this accomplishment
+being attended with the risk of being run over by passing trains, which
+run vindictively as well as promiscuously over the unprotected
+thoroughfares.
+
+Having run this gauntlet successfully, I passed through a house which is
+a store containing photographs and mementoes of the place and a couple
+of persevering, persuasive maidens, whose efforts to make life a burden
+to you until you buy some of the rubbish are usually rewarded with
+unqualified success. After fighting my way through this edifice I was
+taken in hand by a juvenile guide, who discoursed in the orthodox
+fashion of his kind about the Whirlpool Rapid, pointed out where plucky,
+foolish Captain Webb met his death, crushed by the force of water, and,
+lower down, the spot where his body was found. Then my young chaperon
+unburdened himself of a string of horrors concerning men in barrels,
+insane women who from time to time have thrown themselves in, the little
+steamer whose occupants shot the rapids for a wager and nearly paid for
+their temerity with their lives, and many more similarly pleasant
+reminiscences were conjured up through Niagara's haze on this drizzly
+afternoon.
+
+[Illustration: WHERE CAPTAIN WEBB WAS KILLED.]
+
+Subsequently I had to make use of another "elevator," which, judging by
+the velocity of the ascent and descent, is probably worked by a
+detachment of specially-trained tortoises. Down by the rapids I made the
+pleasing discovery that after all I had some sense of the sublime left,
+for I was roused to further anticipated flights of enthusiasm by the
+magnificent spectacle of the vast volumes of water foaming, rushing,
+eddying, swirling along on their onward course with rush impetuous and
+irresistible as the whirlwind, and I felt for my pocket-book to complete
+my ode to mighty Niagara.
+
+I had not noticed until that moment two commercial-looking individuals,
+obviously British, seated close by and gazing biliously upon the
+marvellous rapids; but I heard one remark to the other:
+
+"'Enery, that's where Webb 'it 'is 'ed, hain't it?"
+
+I disappeared rapidly in the direction of the "helevator," and fled the
+disenchanted scene.
+
+Blondin vulgarised Niagara; Jonathan is going to turn it into a colossal
+mill-sewer. So make hay while the sun shines, or rather when the rain
+falls, and see it soon.
+
+[Illustration: TOURISTS.]
+
+To us in England who are in the habit of rushing to a station to demand
+a ticket for a journey across England, or to the North of Scotland, or
+to the West of Ireland, and expect as a matter of course to find the
+necessary accommodation, it seems strange that the Americans are so
+"previous" in their arrangements. The sale of tickets, which is here
+conducted with ease and despatch at the various termini, or, if you
+desire to be "previous," at the depots of the companies in the centre of
+the town, is in the States made a means of causing "corners" in
+speculation. There are, I am informed, actually brokers who buy up the
+tickets for the express mail trains, and whose prices rise and fall like
+the stocks on 'Change.
+
+For instance, in Chicago there is a whole street of these brokers. I
+wanted to go to Buffalo. I got a prominent citizen to escort me to the
+railway, and I felt some honour had been conferred upon me when I paid
+the full fare and had a corner seat in the Pullman allotted to me. When
+I arrived at the station I discovered that next to me was a mother with
+two children, who were already climbing over my armchair instead of
+their own, and fighting for and tearing the papers and magazines I had
+just purchased. There was another horror I hadn't noticed at my first
+glance, moreover. This took the shape of an infant of some months, which
+immediately began to squeal with a shrillness that forcibly reminded me
+of the siren on the Atlantic. No craft ever flew before the siren of an
+approaching Atlantic liner more quickly than did I from that infant. I
+at once abandoned my seat.
+
+Now instead of going as one would in England to a station official,
+telling him you are going by the next train and taking your seat in it
+as a matter of course, I had to go into the city again, interview the
+officials at their office, and ask as a special compliment to be allowed
+to start a few hours later. All this is very surprising in a country
+where, of all places, time is money.
+
+In a long journey you pass through many States, in the two senses of the
+word. Possibly you may find yourself in a state of thirst, but although
+you are surrounded by drinks galore you cannot get the wherewithal to
+quench it, for you are passing through a proclaimed State, and drinking
+in that is illegal. Or you may be passing through a State free from the
+temperance faddist, where intoxicating beverages are to be had for
+paying for them, and suddenly discover that you are in a state of
+hunger, say five hours after your dinner; but the coloured gentleman who
+officiates as cook is snoring, and fifty dollars won't buy you a
+mouthful of bread, so you find that your last state is considerably
+worse than your first. I have experienced both.
+
+I had the good fortune to "strike" an English friend on my journey, and
+with him I shared a compartment in the Pullman. The overheated state of
+the cars caused us both to have an unnatural thirst, and we longed for a
+refreshing draught of air and liquid. Lunch was announced. I was quickly
+in the dining car, and sat down opposite to an American, who had already
+tackled his soup and poured out his first glass of claret from a quart
+bottle. Feverishly I seized the wine-card. My vis-a-vis looked at me
+over his spectacles, and called out to the "coloured gentleman," "Bring
+another glass." The glass was brought, and the stranger (I had never
+seen him before) filled it with claret and placed it in front of me.
+"Thanks awfully!" I said, "but--er--really--er I am going to order.
+Don't let me deprive you of your wine."
+
+[Illustration: AMERICAN TRAVELLING. NOTHING TO EAT.]
+
+"Why, sir, guess you may order what you like, but you won't get it! I
+was caught once myself, fifteen years ago. Kean't buy liquor in this
+State we're strikin' now, stranger. I bring mine along with me
+now--enough for two, in case some green traveller crops up. You're
+heartily welcome, sir, and here's your health!"
+
+This is the local legislation! My feeling of disgust for the arbitrary,
+narrow-minded, parochial parasite of the law-jobber was tempered by the
+generosity of the native, and this is only one instance out of hundreds
+I have experienced of the extreme kindness and courtesy of strangers in
+the States.
+
+[Illustration: AMERICAN TRAVELLING. NOTHING TO DRINK.]
+
+I could not resist this splendid opportunity to tantalise my Scotch
+friend and fellow traveller. He sat down beside me and I handed him the
+wine-card. He wiped his fevered brow and his parched lips parted in a
+smile as he ran his eager eye down the list. When he had scanned the
+names (and prices) I broke in with:
+
+"I say, old fellow, champagne to-day; a magnum of the best--it's my
+birthday, so hang the expense! Oh, yes, I know it's a ten-pound note,
+but I do feel this infernal shaking, noise and heat, and when else would
+we feel better able to appreciate a good sparkling 'tall drink'? I pay,
+and I insist--you order it and see that we get it!"
+
+My friendly stranger on the other side simply gazed at me without moving
+a muscle of his face, and said not a word, still I haven't the slightest
+doubt that he was thoroughly enjoying the joke in his American fashion.
+My Scotch friend's face brightened up at the prospect of refreshing his
+parched larynx with a long drink of champagne; but it was difficult to
+see whether he or the "coloured gentleman" looked the blacker when the
+latter informed him that the only beverage he could have was ginger ale!
+_Verb. sap._: Never travel on an American railway without your own wine.
+Surely the railway companies, who justly pride themselves on the way
+they study the comfort of their travellers, should warn the unwary in
+time, for it is not everyone who is lucky enough to meet with a good
+Samaritan as I did.
+
+A friend tells me that some of the "coloured gentlemen-in-waiting" on
+these cars have an eye for business, and when a stranger is victimised
+by these stupid and selfish laws, they serve up to him Rhine wine out of
+a teapot as weak tea!
+
+If you doubt the truth of the following, ask any traveller who has
+rushed through the States at the rate of two hundred and fifty miles an
+hour to verify it.
+
+You sit down to the principal meal of the day in the dining car at say
+six o'clock. Not happening to be an American, you intend to eat your
+meal in a reasonable time, say an hour, instead of five minutes. Why
+hurry? What is there to do before retiring to the sleeping car to be
+jolted sleeplessly about for seven or eight hours? Nothing; so take as
+long as possible over your meal. You leisurely order a wine from the
+list, and it is brought, uncorked and placed by your side. After the
+soup and fish you think you will take glass No. 1, but no, not a bit of
+it! You are now rushing through a proclaimed State, and your glass and
+bottle are promptly removed. Sancho Panza never looked so surprised as
+you do. To add insult to injury, or rather injury to insult, you are
+brought that frightful cause of indigestion, "iced water." I have been
+told "by one who knows" never to touch the ice on these railway cars; it
+is not safe, though for what reason I cannot at the moment recollect. It
+comes from some wayside cesspool or out of a rusty copper boiler, or is
+the refrigerated perspiration off the railway carriage windows, or
+something dreadful; anyway, it is unsafe. So you look at it and toy with
+the next course on the chance of flying quickly through this detestable
+state of narrow-mindedness and broad absurdity. Your patience is
+rewarded. You fly past some wooden houses and blazing factories and
+vulgar advertisements of quack medicines, the vendors of which forsooth
+are those who prohibit a weary traveller from aiding digestion by
+drinking an innocent and harmless beverage. The "coloured gentleman"
+returns smiling with the bottle and glass.
+
+"Guess we've cut through that State; this isn't proclaimed."
+
+You drink confusion to the priggish provincial faddist whose State we
+have just passed, and continue your dinner.
+
+I am a slow drinker. During my late illness, the illness that caused my
+trip to America, I had to take all my meals dry--allowed to drink
+nothing whatever, not even a drop of water; so perhaps it is not
+unnatural that after months of this treatment I should find a difficulty
+in drinking before my meal is over. So when the above-mentioned incident
+occurred to me, it so happened that I was in no hurry to raise my glass
+to my lips. At last I took it up, but before I could transfer any of its
+contents to the interior of my throat a dusky hand was placed on mine
+and the glass was removed.
+
+"Sorry, but we're in another proclaimed State now!"
+
+I prayed that one of these fiendish faddists might enter the car at that
+moment. I passed a solemn resolution that I would pour all the contents
+of the cruets down his cursed throat and make hideous caricatures of
+him all over the wine list!
+
+More wooden houses and their wooden-headed occupants were passed, and at
+last I was at liberty to have a drink.
+
+Ice is not of necessity pure nor wine impure. If these ignorant fools
+are unable to drink without proving to the world that Nature intended
+them for beasts, it is no reason why they should make laws for their
+betters, particularly for the stranger flying through their country,
+which they misappropriately call free.
+
+Again I hark back to the laying of railway lines, which I repeat we
+manage better in England than they do in the States. The sleeper in his
+berth in an American car is tossed up and down to such an extent that
+his vocabulary is exhausted in anathematising the sleepers under the
+rails. It doesn't seem as if the Transatlantic lines are ever going to
+adopt our thorough system of track-laying. I met a railway expert on the
+boat going out who had been to England to inspect officially the laying
+of a railway, and he assured me that if they were to take up all the
+tracks in America and relay them in our way it would financially break
+them, enormously rich as the railway kings of the States are.
+
+[Illustration: SLEEP(!)]
+
+I must candidly say I don't care about sleeping in those cars. The heat
+can be avoided by paying extra and having a coupe to yourself, or
+sharing it with a friend, as I did. My first experience was on that
+journey from Chicago which I mentioned before, and I shall never forget
+it. I had at the last moment to take the only berth left, and it
+happened to be a top one. I was the last to retire that night, and my
+struggles to climb to my perch were so ludicrous that I was glad there
+were no spectators. I placed my handbags, hat-boxes, &c., one on top of
+another, and mounted them as cautiously as an acrobat ascending a
+pyramid of decanters, and scrambled in. I then proceeded to divest
+myself of my articles of clothing. I noticed that the snoring of the
+gentleman in the berth underneath grew softer and somewhat stifled, and
+as I wound up my watch and placed it, as I thought, under the pillow, he
+jumped frantically out from behind his curtains and went head over heels
+amongst my improvised steps. Then I began to realise what had happened.
+I had not understood the mechanism of the arrangements, and under the
+impression that I was placing my clothes, &c., on the ledge, I was in
+reality dropping them on to the unfortunate occupant of the nether
+berth, hence the muffled snoring, and when my forty guinea repeater
+descended upon some unprotected portion of his cranium it put the
+closure on his dreams in a most abrupt manner.
+
+When you are introduced to an Englishman he invariably invites you to
+eat something. "You must come and dine with us quietly at home,
+don't-cher-know," or "I must rig up a dinner for you at the club some
+night," &c. A Scotchman suggests your drinking something--urges upon you
+the claims of the Mountain Dew; a Frenchman wishes at once to show you
+something, the Bois de Boulogne or the Arc de Triomphe; a German desires
+you to smoke something; an Italian to buy something; and an Australian
+to kill something, but an American wants an opinion "right away."
+
+"Waal, sur, what do you think of our gre--e--eat country? What do you
+think of this wonderful city? What do you think of the Amurrican gurl?"
+
+This latter is a question which one is asked in the States morning,
+noon, and night.
+
+To endeavour to effect a compromise by admitting that she is quite as
+charming as the English girl, as pretty--though of course of a
+different type--still equally charming, is a waste of time. You will be
+met with the commonplace "Get out!" and an added enquiry, "Now don't you
+think she's just the most fascinating and lovely creature on this earth,
+and by comparison with your English girls ain't she just sweet?"
+
+[Illustration: A WASHINGTON LADY.]
+
+My own tactics were simple--I hedged.
+
+"Well, you see," I replied to a question similar to the above, "I have
+met but few as yet of your representative American girls. To be sure, I
+have seen your cosmopolitan New York beauty, your Washington diplomat,
+and your Chicago daughter of Boom, and so on; but there are yet many
+fields of beauty unexplored, and I prefer to withhold my opinion till I
+have had an opportunity of judging from further experience. I am quite
+prepared to admit, however, that the general impression made upon an
+observant Englishman is that American ladies dress better than does the
+average Englishwoman; or, at any rate, carry themselves with more grace,
+and thus show off their gowns to greater advantage."
+
+"Correct! That is absolutely true," said a lady to me in Washington,
+after I had delivered myself of the above stereotyped remark. "Your
+English girls have awful figures, and they know absolutely nothing about
+putting on their gowns. Why, my dressmaker in London--the very
+best--made me laugh till I was nearly sick, by describing to me the
+stupidity of her English customers. She declares that she positively has
+to pin on a new dress when sending it home, a label stating: 'This is
+the front'; and one day, when she omitted this precaution, she had a
+riding-habit returned with the complaint that it did not 'set'
+correctly. The lady had put it on wrong side foremost." This was told me
+in all seriousness by one of the brightest and most intelligent ladies I
+met during my stay in America, who, I am quite sure, was firmly
+convinced of the truth of the statement made by the dressmaker.
+
+It happened that one day I had been hard at work in my rooms at the
+hotel, and as the daylight failed, before turning on the unrestful
+electric light, I lit a cigarette and threw myself into the
+rocking-chair to enjoy a peaceful quarter of an hour, when a knock came
+to the door and a card was brought to me, "Miss Liza Prettyville
+Simmerman, the _Examiner_."
+
+Another interviewer! Had the card been Patrick McKee O'Fleister, the
+_Examiner_ might disappear with the setting sun for aught I cared, but
+the name struck me as being pretty (lady interviewers generally have
+pretty names). It occurred to me that it would be interesting to see if
+the name fitted the owner, so I said I would see her.
+
+It fitted. "Sorry to disturb you," with a delightful accent and musical
+voice. A pretty interviewer! A pretty American girl with a musical
+voice! A _rara avis_.
+
+I ordered up tea for two.
+
+"You know, sir, what I am going to ask you. What do you think of the
+American girl?"
+
+"That," I said, "I'll tell you on one condition, Miss Simmerman, that
+you first tell me what you think of her yourself."
+
+"Ah!" she replied, with a laugh, "that is not so easy a task--we do not
+see ourselves as others see us."
+
+[Illustration: A LADY INTERVIEWER.]
+
+"No, Miss Simmerman, and even when one listens to strangers, or reads
+their impressions, one is apt to form a wrong estimate of oneself. Let
+me therefore change the question, and ask, what do you think of the
+English girl?"
+
+"Oh! I think she is delightful."
+
+"How would you describe the typical English girl?"
+
+"Well, she is very tall and thin, and quiet, and has a nice voice, lots
+of hair, and walks well."
+
+"And talks seldom?"
+
+"Yes, she is not as vivacious as the American girl, but she is more
+sincere and thorough, and a deeper thinker, and not so much merely on
+the surface as our girls are."
+
+"But," I put in, "you say, do you not, that she does not know how to
+dress her hair or wear her clothes properly?"
+
+"Yes, that is so, and it is noticeable more particularly in her
+headgear, which she wears well over her eyes; in fact the higher she is
+in the social scale, the more tilted is her hat. One thing the American
+girls do envy is the healthy, fresh, clear complexion of the English
+girl. The green of the grass and the splendid complexion of your girls
+are the two things which first strike the American visiting England.
+Both of these, we are told, are due to the climate, and this doubtless
+is a fact, for when an American girl has been in England a short time
+the colour comes to her cheeks, only to disappear on her return to her
+native land. Another thing we admire is the English girl's figure.
+American girls are either slim as compared with English girls, or else
+very stout. We have not the happy medium of the daughters of England."
+
+"Pardon me, but is not the pale-faced daughter of America a little
+spoilt?"
+
+"From an English point of view, yes. American men's one idea besides
+work is the worship of American women. You say anything you like about
+America or Americans to Jonathan, but you must give nothing but praise
+to the American woman."
+
+"But we in England love our women folk also."
+
+[Illustration: A SKETCH AT "DEL'S."]
+
+"Ah! yes, but there is not such a contrast between an Englishman and an
+English lady as there is between an American and his wife. Our 'Qui
+Vive' women are so much superior to the men."
+
+"I will admit that."
+
+"Very well, then, I will admit that American girls are somewhat awkward
+with their arms, and have no idea what to do with them. As they walk
+they stick their elbows out, and when they stand still they hold their
+arms exactly the way the dressmakers pose when having a dress tried on."
+
+"I suppose they have little use for their arms?"
+
+"Well, as a fact, American girls do not busy themselves or enjoy work as
+English girls do. Their fathers, husbands, and brothers work, and they
+look on."
+
+"Yes, I have noticed that all over the States. Women talk, men listen,
+but when men talk it is dollars, dollars, dollars. The girl is bored,
+and sighs for London or Paris, until she is old enough to talk dollars
+herself."
+
+In face, I notice, the American girl is quite distinct from her English
+sister. I notice a difference in the way the upper lip sweeps down from
+the outer edge of the nostril; but more noticeable still is the fact
+that the cheek-bones of the American girls are not so prominent, and the
+smooth curve down the cheek to the chin is less broken by smaller
+curves. In social life the American girl charms an Englishman by her
+natural and unaffected manner. Our English girls are very carefully
+brought up, and are continually warned that this thing or that is "bad
+form." As a result, when they enter Society they are more or less in
+fear of saying or doing something that will not be considered suitable.
+As a matter of fact they are not lacking in energy or vivacity, but
+these qualities are suppressed in public, and only come to the surface
+in the society of intimates. American girls from childhood upwards are
+much more independent; they have much more freedom and encouragement in
+coming forward than ours. The vivacity and liberty expected of an
+American girl in social intercourse are considered--as I say--bad form
+for our girls.
+
+[Illustration: YOUNG AMERICA.]
+
+The observant stranger will, if an artist, also be struck by the fact
+that the face of an American girl, as well as the voice, is often that
+of a child; in fact, if one were not afraid of being misunderstood, and
+therefore thought rude, one could describe the American girl better by
+saying that she has a baby's face on a woman's body than by any
+word-painting or brush-painting either. The large forehead, round eyes,
+round cheeks, and round lips of the baby remain; and, as the present
+fashion is to dress the hair ornamentally after the fashion of a doll,
+the picture is complete.
+
+The eyes of an American girl are closer together than those of her
+English cousin, and are smaller; her hands are smaller, too, and so are
+her feet, but neither are so well-shaped as the English girls.
+
+Let me follow the American girl from her babyhood upwards. The first is
+the baby, plump, bright-eyed, and with more expression than the average
+English child; a little older, see her still plump, short-legged, made
+to look stout by the double covering of the leg bulging over the boots;
+older, but still some years from her teens, she is still plump from the
+tip of her toe to her eyebrow, with an expression and a manner ten years
+in advance of her years, and you may take it from this age onwards the
+American girl is always ten years in advance of an English girl; next
+the school-girl; then that ungainly age "sweet seventeen." She seems
+twenty-seven, and thenceforwards her plumpness disappears generally, but
+remains in her face, and the cheeks and chin of the baby are still with
+her.
+
+Suddenly, ten years before the time, and in one season, happens what in
+the life of an English matron would take ten. The bubble bursts, the
+baby face collapses, just as if you pricked it with a pin, and she is
+left sans teeth, sans eyes, sans beauty, sans everything. This is the
+American girl in a hurry, and these remarks only apply to the exhausted
+New York, the sensational Chicago, the anxious Washington, and the
+over-strained child of that portion of America in a hurry.
+
+[Illustration: AN AMERICAN MENU.]
+
+I have not quite made up my mind as to whether I like the American girl
+or her mother the better. They are both vivacious and charming, but of
+course the younger is the prettier, and in point of attractiveness
+scores more than her mother.
+
+It is true, as I have said, that American girls do "go off" very soon. I
+must confess that one evening at dinner, surrounded by charming young
+Americans, I was bold enough to say so. It was a very inopportune moment
+to have made the remark, for seated next to me was a remarkably fine and
+handsome young lady, who informed me that she had five sisters--I think
+it was five--and I was assured by our host that they were all of them as
+"elegant" as my fair neighbour, and that the mother looked as young as
+the daughters.
+
+At the reception, after dinner, I was introduced to the mother, and
+found the exception that proved the rule. We had quite a discussion upon
+the staying powers of the American beauty; but despite all arguments I
+am convinced, through my own observations in England and America, that
+American ladies do not wear so well as English. No doubt this is due, in
+some measure, to the climate, and in a greater degree to the mode of
+living. However, before dealing with this rather ticklish subject, I had
+better finish what I had to say about the evening in question, or this
+particular young lady may take my remarks as personal.
+
+[Illustration: MY PORTRAIT--_IN THE FUTURE_.]
+
+We discussed age and wear and tear _ad nauseam_. I felt rather aggrieved
+by being put down by those members of the Press who had discussed my
+personal failings for the benefit of their readers, as several years
+older than I really am (all due, no doubt, to my premature baldness). So
+I asked for the secret of the American hair-preserving elixir, and my
+charming companion assured me that she had really and truly discovered
+an infallible composition for producing hair! This she promised to send
+to me, and upon my return to England I received the following charming
+letter, which I publish for the benefit of all those whose hair, like my
+own, is becoming, to quote an American paper, "a little depleted on the
+top of the dome of thought." I have not yet tried the remedy, but I
+intend to do so, and when I appear again on the American platforms I
+shall probably rival Paderewski, who owes a great deal of his success
+and fortune to his "thatch."
+
+The following is copyright: "LIKA JOKO HAIR RESTORER."
+
+     "MY DEAR _Mr. Furnace_,
+
+     "Fearing you would think me lacking in a sense of humor I have
+     hesitated to send you the receipt you asked for, but, being an
+     American, I fear it would not be true to my country's principles to
+     allow such an opportunity for promoting growth to pass unheeded.
+
+       Two tablespoonsful alcohol,
+       Two tablespoonsful flour of sulphur,
+       Two tablespoonsful castor oil,
+       One pint boiling water.
+
+     "Put in bottle, shake well and allow it to stand three days before
+     using. Rub well into the scalp every night.
+
+     "Here it is, and I trust soon to receive the pen and ink sketch in
+     proof of its unrivalled success.
+
+                               "Very sincerely,
+                                                "----"
+      "Brooklyn,
+      "April 20th, 1892."
+
+
+
+I suppose my benefactress, if I disclosed her name, would be worried to
+death by the multitudinous proprietors of shiny-surfaced "domes of
+thought." Notice she calls me a furnace! Too suggestive of the sulphur!
+alcohol!! boiling water!!!
+
+I must confess that it was with some trepidation I accepted an
+invitation to a reception of the Twelfth Night Club of New York--a club
+for ladies only, which invites one guest, a man, once a month--no other
+member of male sex is allowed within the precincts of the club. I
+survived. Next day the papers announced the fact under the following
+characteristic American headlines:--
+
+        TWELFTH NIGHT GIRLS REJOICE.
+
+        FURNISS GETS A WARM GREETING.
+
+  CARICATURIST TALKS TO TWELFTH NIGHT WOMEN.
+
+  ROTUND ENGLISHMAN TELLS HIS EXPERIENCES IN
+              HIS BREEZY WAY.
+
+[Illustration: I AM ENTERTAINED AT THE TWELFTH NIGHT CLUB.]
+
+I was pleased to read that the lady reporter considered that I "bore the
+courtesies with the grace of a well-bred Englishman and with less
+embarrassment than the average man evinces at being the only one of his
+sex present upon these occasions(!). According to one of the iron bound
+rules of this club the guest of honour is the only man admitted, and as
+such Mr. Furniss was received with enthusiasm. If he could have
+projected his astral body to the other end of the room, and from there
+have sketched himself as he turned off autographs to the pleading group
+of women, it would not have made the least funny picture in his
+collection."
+
+I agree in this latter part, for the whole affair struck me as intensely
+funny, and not at all appalling--in fact, I spent a very delightful
+afternoon. A lady whose dress the papers described as "a costume of
+brown brocade and lace" played beautifully. Another "dressed in grey
+satin and chiffon" sang charmingly. A third who wore "a skirt of black
+and a primrose bodice trimmed with lace" recited with much talent, and a
+galaxy of the belles of New York, ladies of society, and professional
+stars of the pen, the platform and the stage combined to make feel at
+home. I had to acknowledge in thanking them that although I perhaps
+failed to draw American women, American women had certainly succeeded in
+drawing me.
+
+After this pleasant experience it was with a light heart I accepted a
+similar invitation when shortly afterwards I visited another city. Again
+I was to be entertained at a Ladies' Club, but to my surprise I found
+it, not as I did the New York Club, modestly accommodated in a large
+flat, but a club having its own imposing building--as important as any
+in the West End of London. Carriages lined the street, and a crowd
+surrounded the entrance. Still, I was not unhappy. The entertainment
+would surely be proportionately long, and I would have less to say. I
+was, as at the other club, unprepared, preferring to pick up some idea
+for a reply during the entertainment prepared to honour me. The hall and
+staircases were crowded with a most fashionable gathering; two large
+reception-rooms--with open folding doors--were well filled with ladies
+seated. The President met me at the door and escorted me to a small
+platform in the centre of the rooms, on which were a reading-desk and a
+glass of water! After formally and briefly introducing me, she asked if
+any man was present. It so happened that in a corner behind the piano
+one was found and immediately ejected, and I was left alone to begin! My
+first impulse was to make a rush for that corner behind the piano, but
+rows and rows of seated dazzling beauty formed a barricade I could not
+negotiate. I had in the few words of introduction caught the name of Sir
+Edwin Arnold and others who had stood where I did at that moment.
+Yes,--but they were doubtless warned beforehand of what was expected of
+them, and therefore came prepared. I, on the other hand, stood there
+"flabbergasted"! I confess I never felt so cornered. No, if I had been
+cornered--but there on a platform to face the music! No, not the music,
+there was none! I had to speak--about what? for how long? to whom?
+
+[Illustration: RECEPTION AT A LADIES' CLUB.]
+
+I made a plunge. I confessed honestly I was unprepared. I explained that
+I had accepted the invitation on my arrival--believing I was to be
+entertained, not to be the entertainer. That I had none of the
+flattering phrases ready of those who had stood before them on similar
+occasions, and furthermore I did not believe in such platitudes. This I
+quickly saw was my key.
+
+"Now, ladies, as I am face to face with this unique gathering of
+American women--and alone--I have at last a chance I have long waited
+for. I want to tell what I _really_ think of you. I respect you for your
+cleverness. To roll off empty compliments and--if I could--poetical
+platitudes also with my tongue in my cheek, as others have done, would
+be to insult your intelligence. You only want to hear me speak on one
+subject, yourselves, the American woman, and compare her with the
+English woman. Let me first speak as an artist.
+
+[Illustration: WIFE AND HUSBAND.]
+
+"Now, if there is one thing I have heard repeatedly from the lips of
+American women it is that the English man is superior to the English
+girl. You, in fact, look upon the English girl with contempt. You
+certainly admire and emulate to a certain extent the fashionable Society
+women of England, but the ordinary English girl you treat with
+indifference, and speak of with contumely. You look upon her as a
+badly-dressed idiot. That may strike your ears as a sweeping assertion,
+but my ears have tingled over and over again by hearing that very
+sentiment coming from your own pretty mouths. Now, as we are alone, let
+me say a word or two on that point. You say the English woman is a fool.
+You say that the English man is bright, clever and brave. One has only
+to look round the world to realise that your opinion of the English man
+is right. That one little dot on the map, England, predominates the
+greater portion of the globe. That is the result of the plucky and
+accomplished English man you so much admire. Now, I will ask you one
+question. Did you ever hear of a clever man who had a stupid mother? The
+history of the world shows that all great men had mothers with brains.
+In considering this recollect that we are agreed that the English man is
+superior to the American man. Does that show that the American mothers
+are cleverer than the English mothers? No,--it points to the reverse,
+that the English girl you look down upon, under her soft, gentle manner
+has something superior to you American women--she has solidity and
+brain-power. That is why the English man is superior to the American.
+Now, ladies, you, with your pretty faces, your charming manners, your
+vitality, and shall I say it? your worldliness, have boys who are--well,
+equal to what you consider the English girl to be. Of course it is
+always unsafe to generalise, but as you generalise yourselves and
+sweepingly assert that the English girls are born idiots, I want you to
+understand from a man who has not come here to tell you lies, but to
+tell you the truth, that if America is really to be the great country of
+the future, the sooner you begin to model yourselves on the English
+girls the better."
+
+I said a great deal more, but I shall not confess anything further about
+the charming American ladies just now.
+
+[Illustration: A DREAM OF THE WHITE HOUSE.]
+
+We English have an impression that all American men, women, and children
+are politicians, and it is the dream of every youthful American one day
+to occupy the White House. But in the great contest of 1896 there was
+something deeper than mere ambition. When I went over in the steamer I
+travelled with some overworked, big city merchants who were sacrificing
+their holiday in Europe to vote for Mr. McKinley; the little children
+wore the national flag in their buttonholes; and the last evening we had
+at sea a lady called me on to the deck and said, "Look at that
+beautiful golden sunset! It is a symbol that America is for gold." And
+as we looked behind at the sea-mist we had passed through, she found in
+that the symbol of silver! In fact, for a foreigner, I had had quite
+enough of the Presidential election before the steamer arrived at the
+White Star Line landing-stage.
+
+I crossed the Herring Pond in chill October, so as to be in New York for
+the last stages of the Presidential contest. The last stages of these
+elections, although exciting and interesting from a political point of
+view, are not to be compared with the earlier scenes for effect. For the
+purpose of sketching scenes the artist should be there in the heat of
+summer, and in the heat of the Conventional controversies. At the time
+of brilliant sunshine, when in that year America was so much _en
+evidence_ in England, when Yale was rowing so pluckily at Henley, when
+Haverford College was playing our schools at our national game, when the
+Ancient and Honourable Artillery Company of Boston were being feted
+right royally in the Old Country, when London was fuller of American
+visitors than at any other time--it was then that all the fun of
+political affairs was taking place in the United States for the fight
+for Gold _v._ Free Silver.
+
+It is at the two gigantic Conventions at which the rival candidates are
+nominated that the artist finds material for his pencil, the satirist
+for his pen, and the man of the world food for reflection. By all
+accounts, these Conventions baffle description. Everything is sacrificed
+to spectacular effect. They take place in huge buildings decorated with
+banners, emblems of all kinds, startling devices, transparencies, and
+portraits of the candidates. Bands play different airs at the same time;
+processions are formed and marched all over the hall, carrying emblems
+and portrait banners, the State delegates carrying the State standards
+in front of each procession to the cheers and yells of their supporters.
+Similar demonstrations are carried on in the galleries. Girls dressed
+symbolically representing silver or gold, or some topic of interest in
+the election, wave flags and lead demonstrations, perhaps acting as an
+antidote to the less attractive surroundings.
+
+The election being a purely commercial question, I attended the meetings
+held in commercial districts, where the excitement ran high. During the
+lunch hour crowds attend the political gatherings held in the centre of
+the business districts in large stores turned into halls for
+speechifying and demonstrations, and great as the subject is, and grave
+as is the issue, the ludicrous is the first feature to strike the
+stranger. A great empty store, running the whole length of the ground
+floor of one of the monster ten, twenty, or what you will storied
+buildings, was appropriated for the purpose. The bare walls were draped
+with stars and stripes, and innumerable portraits of McKinley and Hobart
+confronted you on every side. In the centre was a roughly-constructed
+platform; on this a piano and seats for the orators. At 12.30 sharp (the
+business lunch hour) a crowd surged in; bankers, brokers, dry goods
+merchants, clerks, messengers, and office-boys, straight from the Quick
+Lunch Counters--a great institution there--filling every corner of the
+hall. An attendant carried the inevitable pitcher of ice water to the
+orators' table; a "Professor" hastily seated himself at the piano and
+played a few bars; a solemn-faced quartette took its position in front
+of the rostrum, and the meeting was opened.
+
+[Illustration: THE POLITICAL QUARTETTE.]
+
+The campaign songsters had taken a leaf from the Salvation Army, and
+appropriated all popular airs for political purposes. Praises of Sound
+Money and Protection were sung to the air of "Just tell them that you
+saw me," and denunciations of Bryan, Free Silver, and all things
+Democratic to the tune of "Her golden hair was hanging down her back!"
+The quartette aroused the greatest enthusiasm. An aged Republican seated
+immediately in front of the platform, who had voted every Republican
+ticket since Lincoln was elected, waved his stick over his head, and the
+crowd responded with cheers and encores. The quartette retired, the
+chairman advanced, motioned with his hand for silence, and announced the
+name of the first orator of the occasion, who happened to be a
+clergyman--a tiresome, platitudinous person. Somehow, clergymen on the
+platform can never divest themselves of their pulpit manner. They bring
+an air of pews and Sabbath into secular things. The minister denounced
+Bryan and Democracy in the same tones he used in declaiming against Agag
+and the Amalekites on Sunday. At last he brought his political sermon to
+a close, and the quartette again came to the front, sang a few more
+political adaptations of popular songs, and the chairman announced the
+next speaker, a smart young lawyer of the Hebrew persuasion. After him,
+more songs and more speakers of all kinds, and at half-past one the
+meeting came to an abrupt conclusion. The crowd vanished like magic, the
+hall was empty, the lunch hour was over!
+
+When night fell, oratory was again rampant in all parts of the city. At
+every street corner one saw a waggon decorated with a few Chinese
+lanterns and covered with portraits of the candidates. In front the
+orator shouted to the casual mob, and at the tail end his companion
+distributed campaign literature. One crowd exhausted, the waggon drove
+on, and gathered more listeners at another stand. In this way, in
+strolling through the streets, one was met with a fresh line of argument
+at every turning. Republicans, Democrats, Prohibitionists, Socialists,
+etc., all had their perambulating orators. It was as if all the Sunday
+Hyde Park orators had taken to waggons, and were driven about through
+all quarters of the town, from Whitechapel to Kensington. At one street
+corner a Catholic priest was rallying his Irish compatriots to Tammany
+and Bryan, and urging them to shake off the fetters of the bloated
+British capitalist; and at the next a Temperance orator was pleading
+the hopeless cause of the Prohibitionist party.
+
+The campaign was not so much a fight between Silver and Gold as between
+Sound Money and Sound Lungs.
+
+     BRYAN'S CAMPAIGN.
+
+Number of speeches delivered                        501
+Cities and towns spoken in                          417
+States spoken in                                     29
+Miles travelled since the nomination             17,395
+Number of words spoken on the stump (estimated) 737,000
+
+     WHAT BRYAN DID IN ONE DAY.
+
+Travelled from Jacksonville, Ill., to Alton, Ill., and spoke
+  in seven towns and cities.
+Slept eight hours.
+Talked seven hours.
+Miles travelled,                                   110.
+Speeches made,                                       9.
+Persons who heard him,                          60,000.
+
+
+It would be impertinent on the part of any English journalist to use the
+ordinary language at his command to describe that scene. Let him copy
+the headings of those who have given the people of the United States a
+language of their own:
+
+     ARMY OF LOYALISTS.
+
+     A Hundred and Twenty Thousand Men March with Old Glory up Broadway.
+
+     GRANDEST PARADE IN ALL HISTORY.
+
+     The Great Thoroughfare a Tossing Sea of Red, White, and Blue and
+     Gold.
+
+     Cheers and Music fill the Air with Melody.
+
+     Legions Marshalled for the Honor and Safety of the Union and the
+     Prosperity of the People.
+
+     PATRIOT ARMY'S GLORIOUS MARCH.
+
+     WARRIORS OF PEACE, BATHED IN GOLDEN SUNLIGHT, PASS THROUGH
+     STAR-SPANGLED LINES.
+
+     PARADE'S RECORD-MAKING FIGURES.
+
+     Number in Line,                              125,000.
+     Miles long (estimated),                           14.
+     Parade started at 10 a.m.
+     Parade finished at 6.26 p.m.
+     Number of spectators (estimated),           1,200,000.
+
+No pen or pencil could give any idea of the intense feeling and
+excitement over that election. To realise its effect one must have seen
+the faces of business men in cities like New York--faces pallid with
+care, eyes restless with inquiry and uncertainty, mouths twitching with
+anxiety. To them Bryan spelt ruin. You could read that in the faces of
+every one of responsibility.
+
+We had huge meetings and long speeches from morning to midnight. In the
+churches the pulpits were turned into hustings, and for the moment
+ministers preached the Gospel and McKinley in equal proportions. Miles
+of sound money men paraded the streets, and at night the rivers north
+and east were given over to political aquatic demonstrations. Huge
+banners flaunted the sky, and tons of party literature strewed the
+floors of every house; but the whole story was better told and more
+impressively demonstrated in the faces of those united in commerce--99
+per cent. of the better class in the city. They looked worn and anxious;
+their words were words of confidence, but expressed with an uncertainty
+and reserve which were significant.
+
+One day I met a prominent citizen--an ardent Republican--and I asked him
+how he thought the elections were going. He said, "I feel like the old
+woman Ingersoll tells of, who did not believe in ghosts, but was
+terribly frightened of them." This reminds me that the Free-thinking
+Ingersoll had been stumping the country, and clergymen, such as Dr.
+Parkhurst, had been turning their pulpits into political platforms to
+bring their influence to bear on the voters. To all those who were in
+New York during that momentous time the scene will linger in their
+memories when the names of Bryan and McKinley have ceased to interest
+them.
+
+And the curious thing is that this is no exaggeration. To see, as I did,
+thousands of well-dressed city men marching past at quick time, with
+martial tread, to the music of innumerable bands, from half-past ten in
+the morning till seven o'clock at night, is a performance that
+Englishmen can hardly realise, and one that they will certainly never
+see in their own country. Its very seriousness, simplicity, and
+impressive monotony made it all the more striking. Not a soldier to be
+seen, no triumphal cars, no break in the stream of respectability
+mechanically moving throughout the day. In England, on public
+demonstrations, one goes to look at the crowd, but here the crowd was
+the procession. This political fever seemed to work up the enthusiasm of
+every man, woman, and child when the march was over, on, I may tell you,
+a bright, hot Indian summer's day in November.
+
+[Illustration: AFTER THE GREAT PARADE: "AM I TO SIT ON AN ORDINARY SEAT
+TO-NIGHT?"]
+
+Crowds of the paraders continued to march in smaller squads through the
+side streets for their own enjoyment, and overflowed into hotel lobbies
+and restaurants, covered with emblems, flags, gold bugs, and
+chrysanthemums, which were brought into the city by thousands for the
+occasion. And then some humour was imported into the serious business of
+the day. One youth strolled into a _cafe_, and when he was offered a
+chair by the waiter, he drew himself up, and said, "Am I to sit on an
+ordinary seat to-night?" They blew their tin horns, rattled their
+rattles, and waved their flags in and out of every place until late at
+night, and they were still singing and demonstrating in the morning,
+but with that extraordinary common-sense which is characteristic of
+Americans, the Bryanites and the McKinleyites shaking hands and setting
+about their business with redoubled energy, having another crisis in the
+country to record as a landmark in the history of the republic.
+
+On the last day of my first visit to America I found myself in the head
+depot of the New York detective force. The courteous and talented
+presiding genius of that establishment had left his busy office to show
+me over their museum, a chronicle of the city's crime, and as I was
+thanking him afterwards, he said:
+
+"Is there anything I can do for you?"
+
+"Well," I replied, "I have seen the best side of life in New York, now I
+should like to see the worst."
+
+"The very worst?"
+
+"The worst you have."
+
+The worthy officer eyed me up and down as if he were going to measure me
+for a suit of clothes.
+
+"Very well," he replied, seemingly satisfied with my resolute bearing
+and undaunted mien and determined visage, which showed my daring and
+enterprise. Beside me a Stanley or a Burton would have looked
+effeminate. "A detective will be at your hotel at ten o'clock to-night."
+
+And he was.
+
+I had just come in from dinner, and had changed my clothes for an old
+suit that had braved the weather in crossing, and was consequently well
+salted by Atlantic brine.
+
+"May I offer you a cocktail?" I say.
+
+"No, thank you," he replies.
+
+(_His_ nerve doesn't want fortifying, evidently!) Mine does, so I have a
+Manhattan as I hastily pencil a line to my wife to be sent to England in
+case I do not leave by the _Majestic_ next day.
+
+"Now, then, what's your programme?" said I in an airy way, as we reached
+the street.
+
+"Trust to me," said the "'tec," "interfere with no one, and keep your
+pencil and your notebook in your pocket till I tell you. Keep your
+mouth shut and your ears and eyes open, and as they say in the
+pantomime, 'you shall see what you shall see.'"
+
+We were soon whizzing along the elevated railway, and I was trying to
+impress my guide with stirring tales of midnight meanderings in the
+greater city, London. I left out any mention of Dublin, for my companion
+rejoiced in a truly Milesian cognomen, and still bore strong evidence of
+his native country in his accent, mixed with a good dash of American.
+
+"Guess you're a pretty 'cute Britisher, and shure it's the likes of you
+I'm mighty glad to strike in this _tre_menjious city!"
+
+I felt somewhat flattered by this encouraging condescension, and I admit
+now that I did not feel particularly happy at the idea of bearding the
+thieving lion, with his hyena-like satellites, in his den. I felt
+something like a criminal under arrest myself, and I am sure that
+everyone in the car must have thought that the world-famed detective
+force of New York had added another notorious catch to the many they
+have so cleverly made.
+
+As we passed close to the windows of the houses, and actually looked
+into the rooms on the second and third stories, Detective Jonathan H.
+O'Flaherty would point out to me a room here and there which was being
+watched by his comrades, and as we approached nearer and nearer to the
+purlieus of the poor, he positively detected seated in rooms in shady
+hotels which harboured thieves a forger, a housebreaker, and other
+notabilities of a worse character. Indeed, I would not have been
+surprised had the arm of the law been literally stretched out at any
+moment, and one of these gentlemen transferred from his seat through the
+window and deposited by my side in the carriage.
+
+America is a free country. England, we are assured, is not; but the fact
+that the police are allowed to arrest anybody they please without
+showing any authority whatever is a curious contradiction which the
+Britisher may be pardoned for smiling at.
+
+Detective Jonathan H. O'Flaherty and I had a rather warm argument upon
+this point, and I must say that in the end I had to admit that there was
+a good deal to be said in favour of the utter want of liberty to which
+Americans have to submit.
+
+"For instance," said my guide, "to-morrow is a public holiday. At
+daybreak I guess we'll be afther locking up every thief, vagabond, and
+persons suspected of being varmint of this description in this great
+city, and it's free lodgings they'll have till the holiday's played out.
+In that way crime is avoided, and the truth of the saying proved that
+'prevention is better than cure.'"
+
+"But there is an unpleasant feeling that this autocratic power may lead
+to mistakes. In England the police must have a warrant," I said.
+
+[Illustration: ITALIANS.]
+
+"Guess, stranger, if we waited for a warrant the varmint'd vanish, and
+there'd be the divil to pay. No, sir, I reckon we Amurricans don't wait
+for anything--we just take the law into our own hands right away. A
+short time ago I was sitting enjoying some singing in one of the saloons
+in the Bowery here, and right through in front of me sat two foreigners
+with the most perfect false whiskers on that I ever clapped eyes on.
+That was enough for me. I went outside, sent one of my men for
+assistance, and then sent in a theatrical lady's card to one of the
+gentlemen. The bait was taken, and he came out. We arrested him straight
+away, and made him send in for his friend, who came out, and we nailed
+him as well. Turned out afterwards that they had come to kill one of the
+actresses--love affair, revenge, and all that sort of thing. In your
+country guess you'd have arrested them after the murder; we had them
+before. There was no harm done, but they got a fine of a few dollars."
+
+He put his hand suddenly upon mine as he said this. For a second I
+thought that he imagined _my_ whiskers were false, and that this was
+only a plant to lock me up! It was evident my nerves were becoming
+unstrung, and as soon as we were in the street my good-humoured and
+excellent guide told me that in another five minutes we would begin our
+voyage of discovery. We passed through the Chinese quarter, down Mott
+Street, and I could not but feel a pang of sympathy for these aliens,
+looked upon by the Americans as vermin. It is a strange war, this
+between John Chinaman and Sambo for the vassalage of the States; but in
+poor England, the asylum of the alien, all nationalities have an equal
+chance, and the nigger, the Chinaman, the Jew, and the German can walk
+arm in arm, whether in the squalid streets of Spitalfields or the
+aristocratic precincts of Pall Mall.
+
+But there is a war going on in London between two races of different
+colour, undisturbed and unseen, for the gory scenes of warfare are
+enacted in the bowels of the earth. It is to the death, and has been
+going on for years, the combatants being the red cockroach and the
+blackbeetle. Both came to our shores in ships from distant lands. The
+blackbeetles were first, and had possession of underground London, but
+the cockroaches followed, disputed the right of territory, and thus the
+war began. The latest reports from the seat of war assert that the
+cockroaches are victorious all along the line as far as Regent's Park.
+
+But this is digression. I merely made use of the cockroach simile
+because it occurred to me as I traversed the Italian quarter and gazed
+upon its denizens, an occasional accidental rub against one of whom made
+me shudder. Innocent they may be, but they don't look it, and when I was
+taken up a court--a horrible, dark, dank _cul-de-sac_--and shown the
+identical spot which a few weeks beforehand had been the scene of a
+murder, I made a sketch in the quickest time on record, keeping one eye
+on the ghastly place and the other on a window where a ragged blind was
+pulled quickly and nervously back, and a white face peered suddenly out
+and as suddenly retreated.
+
+I did the same, pulling my detective friend after me.
+
+[Illustration: WHERE THE DEED WAS DONE!]
+
+It is said that one-half the world does not know how the other half
+lives, but not the ninety-ninth part knows how it dies. In the vicinity
+of Mulberry Bend I was shown a house in which another bloody deed had
+recently been perpetrated--another cockroach killed. The blood was as
+fresh and visible as that of Rizzio in Holyrood Palace, but this excited
+no curiosity among the passers-by--crimes are more plentiful than
+mulberries here.
+
+Paradise Park, The Bowery, New York, is a very high-sounding address. It
+is one that any European might imagine as a retreat of aristocratic
+refinement and sylvan beauty; there is nothing in the name to suggest
+the Seven Dials of London in its old days; and yet the place is its
+counterpart, the only difference being that the Five Points, as it is
+called, is two degrees worse than the Seven Dials that's, all!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Standing at these misnamed crossways, I noticed hurrying past an Italian
+woman bearing a load of household furniture on her back, and followed by
+a man--her husband, I was told--cursing her.
+
+"They always move at night," said my guide. "The women do all the
+carrying, and this is in a country where woman reigns _soo_preme, too!"
+
+Next comes a youth with a crutch.
+
+"One of the cleverest thieves in the city. No one suspects him--guess
+his crippling is his fortune."
+
+I should like to tell you of other interesting people I saw, of my
+perambulations through Baxter Street, the Jewish quarter, of the visits
+to the joss house, opium joint, grocery stores, halls of dazzling
+delight, and dens of iniquity I made that night. I had my sketches and
+notes before me to continue this chapter, when I received a New York
+paper. In it I discovered an illustrated article headed "In His Own
+Black Art," purporting to be an account of my visit to the slums with a
+detective. After reading it I laid down my pen and took up my scissors,
+I felt it impossible to disclose any more. The rest I leave to my
+shadower on that occasion, reproducing also some of the sketches this
+"faithful copper-fastened distorter of features" set down, with many
+thanks to him and a sincere wish that his headache is better.
+
+[Illustration: IN AN OPIUM JOINT.]
+
+     "IN HIS OWN BLACK ART.
+
+            *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Mr. Furniss writes very cleverly, it should be said. He writes
+     good London English, for he, like many of 'the infernally good
+     fellows' of Fleet Street, 'don't you know,' believes that the
+     vernacular is only written in its virgin purity in that city.
+     However, let that pass.
+
+     [Illustration]
+
+     "But there was one thing that I couldn't consent, even as his
+     friend, to overlook. Mr. Furniss was determined to go 'slumming.'
+     He had letters to several members of the police department, but the
+     friends who had given these valuable credentials had evidently
+     selected only the captains of the highly respectable precincts. Of
+     course, they could not imagine that Mr. Furniss would want to visit
+     the joss house and opium joints of Chinatown. Nobody would, to
+     look at him. And yet, in his tireless study of 'American'
+     character, he penetrated even these mysteries.
+
+     "Everything was arranged for the tour during the night before his
+     departure on the _Majestic_. It was a charmingly dark night,
+     admirably suited for those _chiaroscuro_ effects that a
+     black-and-white artist is supposed to seek even in his dreams. An
+     experienced Central Office detective took him in hand with all the
+     _savoir faire_ of an Egyptian dragoman.
+
+
+     "HITTING THE PIPE.
+
+     "With the wisdom of an artist and the news-sense of a Park Row
+     hustler, Mr. Furniss lit a cigarette, and said:
+
+     "'Show me all.'
+
+     "This remark filled me with terror. Was it right to permit this
+     well-meaning but over-zealous friend of my country, my people and
+     myself to sound the depths of social degradation in the metropolis
+     and lard an otherwise charming book with screed and sketches
+     dragged from the slums? He was likely to mistake Donovan's Lane for
+     Harlem Lane, and Paradise Square for Maddison Square! Any man would
+     be liable to do so after a few days' visit to a strange city. How
+     many of the American birds of passage who flock to London every
+     summer know the distinction between Mitre and Capel Courts? One is
+     the scene of a ghastly Whitechapel murder; the other is the
+     financial center of the Eastern world!
+
+     [Illustration]
+
+     "When, therefore, it was seen to be impossible to dissuade the
+     talented young caricaturist from his blue-glass view of
+     metropolitan society, it seemed necessary to provide for our
+     self-defence. One of the cleverest pen-and-ink artists in America
+     was engaged to accompany the party as a second detective. A flying
+     visit was paid to Mott Street, and the services of High Lung, a
+     distinguished crayon manipulator, recently arrived (by way of
+     Vancouver and the dark of the moon), were secured to make a
+     Chinese-American caricature of the charming but over-curious
+     Englishman.
+
+     "Everything worked to a charm. Mr. Furniss went where he intended.
+     He saw all. He made sketches. He visited the shrine of the great
+     Joss. He ate birds' nests and rice. He saw the deadly opium smoked,
+     and 'hit the pipe' a few minutes himself.
+
+     "The night came to an end with dawn. Headache destroyed curiosity.
+     Our own faithful, copper-fastened distorter of facial beauty set
+     down in Mr. Furniss's black art what he had seen and did know. Here
+     are the results, H. F. It is to be feared he has imitated your
+     style.
+
+     "Bon voyage, master of the quick and the lead! Draw us, if you
+     must; but draw not the long bow.
+
+                                                           "J. C."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+AUSTRALIA.
+
+     Quarantined--The Receiver-General of Australia--An Australian
+     Guidebook--A Death Trap--A Death Story--The New Chum--Commercial
+     Confessions--Mad Melbourne--Hydrophobia--Madness--A Land Boom--A
+     Paper Panic--Ruin.
+
+     SYDNEY--The Confessions of a Legislator--Federation--Patrick
+     Francis Moran.
+
+     ADELAIDE--Wanted, a Harbour--Wanted, an
+     Expression--Zoological--Guinea-pigs--Paradise!--Types--Hell Fire
+     Jack--The Horse--The Wrong Room!
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Wise chroniclers are welcome to the opinion that "the dreaded Cape
+Leeuwin was first rounded by a Dutch vessel, 1622." All I can say is
+that the Cape has got sharpened again, for there is no roundness about
+save the billows of the Indian Ocean, which everlastingly dash against
+its side. I'll agree, however, with any chronicler that the cause of the
+chronic fury of the Indian Ocean at this point is caused through anger.
+To call that grand if barren promontory after a twopenny-halfpenny Dutch
+cockle-shell is a gross insult to the thousands of miles of sea between
+that point and any other land. Fortunately the little Dutch vessel had a
+name which sounds all right if only pronounced in plain
+English--_Lioness_ in place of _Leeuwin_--but the vessel might have been
+called _Rats_, or _Schnapps_, or some other name even less dignified,
+and one that would have been adopted just the same. It is the principle
+of the thing that the great sea objects to, and it is not slow to show
+its rage, as all who round it know full well. Chroniclers are found who
+seem to have agreed that the name is the whole cause of the roaring
+winds and waves around Cape Leeuwin, but that the roughness is in
+reality the result of satisfaction in bearing one so awe-inspiring, and
+that the "Lioness" is trying to live up to her natural wildness and
+fury, and fully succeeding in doing it.
+
+I regret that I was in too great a hurry to visit Fremantle, which lies
+at the head of the Lioness, particularly as on my journey to Australia I
+had cut out the following passage from a description I came across of
+that place. I read this, and re-read it, and still continue to read it,
+as a choice specimen of the guide-book-maker's delirium:
+
+"The first _coup d'oeil_ of Fremantle is a white scattered township on
+an undulating plain fringed by a sea-beach and scant vegetation. As you
+land you are struck on all sides with the unusual activity around you.
+Long sinuous trains of loaded cargo trucks are coming and going,
+locomotive whistles warning the pedestrian to beware, lines of rails
+intersecting each other, crowds of lumpers, and the busy air of a large
+shipping centre bewilder you, and you are carried back to some old-world
+port where ships of all nations call and disgorge their lading."
+
+[Illustration: COALING.]
+
+There! Are you not anxious to go to a place with the assurance that you
+will be struck on all sides as soon as you land with unusual activity?
+Do you not burn to see what "a long sinuous train" is like? Are you not
+willing to brave the dangerous locomotives crossing the intersecting
+lines of railways, just to see those crowds of lumpers? Then to be
+bewildered by the busy mercantile air, and before you have time to fully
+realise all this you are to be "carried back to some old-world port
+where ships of all nations call and disgorge their lading."
+
+That last proposal settled my mind; no attractive trains or lumpers,
+undulating plains or scant vegetation, or anything equally attractive,
+would induce me to arrive at a place, after five or six weeks'
+travelling to get there, to find myself at once carried back to some
+old-world port before seeing something of the rest of Australia to repay
+one for the long and tedious journey. I therefore avoided Fremantle.
+
+There is one attraction to visit that port which the traveller from the
+Old World will appreciate, after his experience of the fleecing dues and
+charges at Adelaide, Melbourne, and other Australian ports, in which
+officials all but tear the clothes off the visitor's back to tax them.
+In this port your mantle at least is free.
+
+In spite of the following paragraph from the same source: "Western
+Australia has emerged into the full glare of the world's light and
+renown, and not to know its golden wonders is to argue oneself unknown,"
+I determined to remain in obscurity.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The guide-books assure us Albany deserves more than "passing notice."
+This is true enough, but travellers do not always get a chance of giving
+the place its deserts. This was particularly the case with me on my
+first visit. Quarantine was then in force, and, with my
+fellow-passengers, I was forbidden to land. All I then saw of the people
+of Western Australia was limited to a few hours watching the
+coal-lumpers at work trucking coal along a plank from an ancient hulk
+moored by the side of the P. and O. steamship _Victoria_. After the
+animated scenes of coaling at Malta and Aden, and particularly the wild,
+indescribable scene at Port Said, coaling at Albany fell decidedly
+flat. The only diversion that varied the monotony of the proceedings was
+when a truck would capsize in its Blondin-like trip and pitch the coals
+into the sea.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The most interesting personage in Albany is Captain B----, the harbour
+master. I call him the Receiver-General of Australia, for he is the
+first inhabitant of Australia to receive and welcome the new comer, and
+he is also the last to take farewell of the parting guest. Captain B----
+has held the post of harbour master at King George's Sound, Albany, for
+over thirty years, and, though over seventy years of age, he seems equal
+to many years of service yet. Certainly a stranger gets a good
+impression of the country if he takes Captain B---- as a sample
+Australian, and one wonders, when one sees this fine old salt run up the
+gangway with the agility of a youth of seventeen, whether all
+Australians are equally active. Chatting with Captain B----, I
+complimented him on his youthful physique. "Why, sir," said he, "I can
+climb up anything. I can board the ship hand-over-hand on a rope and
+never touch the side with my feet." This seemed pretty good for a man of
+over seventy, but I did not regard it as an exaggeration. Captain B----
+remembered his father and uncle, both naval men, going to the funeral of
+King George IV. His reminiscences included the experiences of singing in
+a choir at the coronation of the Queen, and also when Her Majesty was
+married. When the Captain ran down the gangway shouting orders to his
+men, the strength of his lungs was as evident as the agility of his
+body. Anyone who took this worthy official as a typical Australian would
+be greatly deceived. Diminutive in stature and voluble in speech, he is
+in every way the reverse to the average-born Australian. The Australian
+is generally tall, not to say lanky, and by no means communicative.
+
+An American walked into the smoking-room of a P. and O. ship outward
+bound, as it was leaving St. George's Sound, threw himself down on a
+sofa, stuck his feet on to a table, spit, and said to those in the
+saloon:
+
+"I thank my stars I am clean out of that one-horse town Albany!"
+
+Another traveller who had joined the ship at the same town and who lay
+huddled up in a corner more dead than alive after a severe attack of
+typhoid followed by pleurisy, remarked:
+
+"Well, you must admit, sir, it is the healthiest place in Western
+Australia."
+
+"Co-rect, stranger--co-rect," replied the Yankee. "Co-rect! guess that's
+why I have cleared out. This darned Albany is 90 per cent. of climate
+and only 10 per cent. of business."
+
+[Illustration: SLEEPY HOLLOW.]
+
+I visited Albany on my return journey. It struck me that in "Sleepy
+Hollow" 90 per cent. of the natives were in bed and the other 10 per
+cent. were dozing on the seats on the parade.
+
+When I started for the Antipodes the place that I looked forward to
+seeing more than any other was Western Australia. It is the part of
+Australia most discussed at home, where it is being boomed with all the
+artifice of the promoter's gang. Every ship brings living cargoes to
+Western Australia; every newspaper is full of Western Australia. On the
+front page are shipping advertisements offering every facility for quick
+and cheap transit; in the centre of the paper leading articles appear to
+ventilate the wonders of the West; towards the end of the paper--in the
+City news--thousands eagerly scan the Stock Exchange for prices of
+Western Australia. There is another column still in which one might find
+interesting news concerning Western Australia--the deaths column.
+
+When I arrived in Australia the one place that I determined nothing
+should drag me to was Western Australia. No, not all the gold in the
+mines would get me to that pestilential plague spot. Here is a place
+boomed "at home" and abroad at the time of Queen Victoria's Jubilee,
+when nightly speeches were made at banquets glorifying the charms of the
+speculators' Eldorado, Western Australia--when columns were written of
+its boasted civilisation, and cheers were given when "Advance Australia"
+was roared out, and bumpers were drunk by the stop-at-home wirepullers.
+Just read the following, published at the moment:--
+
+
+     "A WESTERN PLAGUE SPOT.
+
+     "HOW FEVER IS RAGING IN PERTH.
+
+     "Various visitors to Perth have expressed their opinions upon the
+     awful conditions, from a sanitary point of view, of the Western
+     city, and almost daily news is telegraphed across of the ravages
+     from typhoid, pneumonia, and other diseases in consequence.
+
+     "That the state of affairs is in no way exaggerated by prejudiced
+     outsiders is proved by a full-page account in a recent issue of the
+     Perth _Herald_, and which is headed: 'Typhoid Fever in Perth; An
+     Alarming Situation; The Position of Affairs Grows Worse.'
+
+     "The opinions of doctors, nurses, experts, and others are
+     published, all going to show that public and private action is
+     almost in every case as if the one aim was to increase the
+     death-rate to the highest possible figures.
+
+     "The water supply is contaminated; drainage runs into the catchment
+     area, and even faecal matter is plainly evident in the samples
+     analysed; there is no supervision of the milk supply; vegetables
+     are grown under most dangerous conditions; stagnant drains are in
+     almost all the streets; about public places of recreation there are
+     fever beds; many of the population are crowded in small
+     boarding-houses like rabbits, and ordinary precautions for the
+     removal of filth neglected, even if that were enough in itself;
+     houses are built on pestilential swamps; the wind blows the dust
+     about spots where the typhoid excrement has been deposited to breed
+     germs by the million; and bread, meat, and other food carts go
+     about uncovered to collect it, as if to make sure that any who
+     escaped all other sources of the danger should not be allowed to
+     escape the plague.
+
+     "Even the public esplanade has to be shunned, the silt from the
+     sewer which is being used for reclaiming being a mass of foul
+     matter.
+
+     "It will interest 't'othersiders' to read this about the conditions
+     of life:--
+
+     "'Many of the dwellings in which the t'othersiders are to be found
+     huddled together are first-class fever "germinators." The rooms are
+     small, the ventilation bad, the bed linen rarely changed, while not
+     the slightest attention whatever is paid to sanitation. It is
+     estimated that there are at least 400 small tenements, from two to
+     five rooms, serving as "boarding" and "lodging" houses, and in
+     these over 3,000 persons are sheltered.'"
+
+Stories of how fortunes are made and lives are lost in the race for
+wealth in Western Australia would fill volumes.
+
+A typical story, and a genuine one to boot, is worth recording. A
+well-known racing man travelling on a steamer round the coast was
+attracted by a seedy, out-of-elbows individual seated all alone. He got
+into conversation with him. The seedy stranger was reticent about
+himself, but voluble about others, particularly those who were making
+their piles in Western Australia--he was going there if he had to walk.
+The idea of a man walking was a repulsive thought to a racing man, so he
+most generously insisted upon this dilapidated acquaintance accepting
+L10 to help him to get to the goldfields. The stranger was to pay him
+back some day if he ever struck oil. Time went on, and one morning the
+Good Samaritan received a letter with the L10 enclosed and a request to
+make an appointment. The two met again. The out-of-elbows
+fellow-traveller turned up to keep the appointment he had asked for,
+dressed in the height of fashion; he not only looked a millionaire, but
+he was one! Yet he was sad and depressed, and recited the history of his
+good fortune to the good-natured sportsman in a most dismal tone. Though
+his words were full of gratitude and thankfulness, he seemed, strange as
+it may appear, somewhat reproachful.
+
+"Yes, thanks to you, I have struck a gold mine, the one the world is now
+talking about, and you shall have half of it; that is the reason I asked
+to see you."
+
+"Not I," was the reply. "I don't want it; besides, you have relatives."
+
+"I had," said the millionaire, looking sorrowfully away. "I had three
+brothers. I was very fond of them, and sent for them when my luck came
+and, thanks to you, my fortune also. They arrived in Western Australia
+full of life and hope and jubilation, three of the finest and strongest
+fellows in the Colonies. They were all dead and buried within a
+month--stricken down by the damned typhoid fever."
+
+[Illustration: PROSPECTORS.]
+
+Every day I spent in Australia I had similar stories to these told
+me--of how those rushing into the death-trap to dig up gold were buried
+themselves instead. Every day I heard of the swindles as well as of the
+sewerage. Both the towns and the business stank. Bogus mines were
+foisted into the "new chum," and huge companies started to work them;
+businesses advertised as big affairs with tremendous capitals were in
+reality a paltry village hut or two, with a few pounds of goods flung
+into them.
+
+If you are not robbed in England right away by such swindles, you are
+invited to sail for Western Australia.
+
+I met the manager of a Western Australian mining property, who was
+justly savage at the influx of "new chums" sent out by the directors of
+the company he represents. These ne'er-do-wells, of all ages and of all
+degrees of stupidity and vice, arrive weekly, with letters of
+recommendation from the London directors, and in most cases actual
+contracts signed for berths as book-clerks, secretaries, corresponding
+clerks, &c., &c.--worthless incumbrances, but, even should they be found
+capable, not a berth open for one per cent. sent out: a fault showing
+that the directors in London are ignorant of the working of things they
+are supposed to direct. A sharp manager, finding himself face to face
+with a cargo of these silly "new chums" so landed, after going carefully
+over the binding contracts they came armed with, addressed them thus:--
+
+"You, Mr. Nogood, hold a contract made in London by your uncle, a
+director of this company, to be engaged on arrival as clerk at L10 a
+week. You, Mr. Boozer, are to be engaged at L6 a week as book-keeper;
+and you, Mr. Flighty, at L5 a week as an assistant engineer, and so on.
+Now, gentlemen, in my position as manager here I may tell you plainly
+that your relatives and friends--the directors in London--are not
+conversant with the business here in detail. Were they, I am certain,
+gentlemen, you would never have signed these contracts agreeing to give
+your valuable services to us for such a ridiculously small remuneration.
+Things are dearer here than in London, you know; you could not live on
+such miserable pittances. Now I am unfortunately in the unhappy position
+that whilst here absolutely at the head of affairs and an autocrat, I am
+at the same time bound to accept these contracts made in London, and am
+therefore powerless to improve your unfortunate acceptances of these
+posts assigned to you. However, if you will agree to tear up these
+contracts I shall engage you weekly all the same, but at double
+salaries. Do you agree to this, gentlemen?"
+
+They all did. The contracts were destroyed, they received double
+salaries, for a fortnight, were not asked to do anything, and were all
+dismissed with a week's notice by the autocrat, the manager of the
+property, who has his picked, tried, and trusted men to do all the work
+necessary.
+
+The Western Australian boom is over. The rooks have plucked every
+feather they can off the poor pigeon. The Land of Promise, the Land of
+Myth, the Land of Sharks and Sharpers, is discovered by the paying
+public, and is in disgrace. Truth will out, and the truth about Western
+Australia is out of the designing promoter's bag now, never to be caught
+in it again. Africa suggests a comparison. In mining there is a great
+difference between Africa and Australia. Take, for instance, the Rand in
+Africa: it is one long reef of general excellence, divided into mines
+all of solid value. Australian mines, with one or two notable
+exceptions, do not run so; they are short, broken and erratic.
+
+Each of these when struck may or may not yield the three ounces to the
+ton they are boomed as having, but what is not explained to the
+investing public is the fact that the mines are limited and
+uncertain--they are not continuous, they are most expensive to open and
+work, and consequently they are practically worthless, and the
+investors' money is swamped and the land shows no return.
+
+A man who has most exceptional experience in mining, in a conversation
+with me used an expression _a propos_ of the character of the mining
+lodes. He said that they were "patchy." That expresses everything
+Australian. Australia is a patchy country. Look at the sheep stations: a
+good season or two, property investment, rush, extravagance, no rain,
+ruin, despair, exodus. So it is with land, with everything--it is
+patchy. The people are patchy. One set, pleasant, refined, kindly,
+lovable; the next objectionable, vulgar, low and detestable.
+
+A friend of mine on board the steamer had the following interesting
+conversation with an Irish lady moving in Australian society:
+
+"Do you happen to know Mrs. Larry O'B. and Mrs. Mike O'C.?
+
+"Do I know thim? Well, iv course I do. Shure, me darlin', both of their
+husbands stood in the same dock wid moi husband on their thrial for
+murder--for killin' a process server in Oireland years ago. Moi husband
+was acquitted, worse luck!"
+
+"Worse luck?"
+
+"Yis. Maybe y'don't know as how the other two gintlemen got sintinced
+and were sent out here as convicts, and both of thim now are
+millionaires, and my poor man is still workin' hard for his livin' in
+the ould counthry."
+
+Hydrophobia is unknown in Australia. A traveller on arrival has his pet
+dog taken from him and the poor animal is thrust into quarantine for six
+months. These four millions of inhabitants, spread over the largest
+colony in the world, consider themselves so precious they quarantine
+everything and everybody but lunatics. Why not quarantine lunatics? Are
+they not dangerous? Did not a whole city go mad? Stark, staring, raving
+mad--Mad Melbourne--and yet a Maltese terrier is quarantined in the same
+port for six months!
+
+[Illustration: QUARANTINE ISLAND.]
+
+Yet lunatics arrive and make lunacy rampant, and a whole city is left
+after such a visitation an asylum of melancholia--Mad Melbourne. Lunacy
+frequently takes the form of egotism. Peasants imagine themselves
+princes; Calibans believe themselves to be Adonises; beggars imagine
+themselves millionaires. It is a harmless vanity and hurts no one, but a
+mad city may ruin thousands by suddenly imagining itself a gold mine.
+Melbourne a few years ago imagined it suddenly became the hub of the
+universe. The world and his wife had but one burning desire--that was to
+live in Melbourne. Some lunatic started this ridiculous idea, and the
+boom spread like lightning. Melbourne was by this magic boom turned into
+an Aladdin cave. No prairie fire ever started with such suddenness,
+with such fury, burning up, as it leapt and galloped along, all the
+reasoning powers and common sense of the people. Those who cleared a
+space around them to avoid destruction were tongued by the fire of
+speculation, and before they could move away were irreparably lost.
+Great and small, old and young, were carried away in the blaze of
+speculation. The frightened reptiles and beasts running in front to
+escape it were, it was thought, miserable fools who had not the pluck or
+sense to aid in setting speculation in Melbourne on fire. A fanciful
+picture on paper this? True, so was the great boom of 1887 merely a
+fanciful picture on paper. Had it been otherwise banks would not have
+failed, nor would families have been ruined wholesale, nor would trade
+and speculation have been left charred roots and stubble on the scene of
+folly--Mad Melbourne.
+
+It is difficult to say how it began--it is unnecessary to say how it
+ended. I am told that at the height of the boom Melbourne went
+frantically and absolutely mad. Poor men and women rushed about fancying
+that they had suddenly become millionaires. In the few hours between
+breakfast and lunch they had bought a piece of land for L1,000, and in a
+few hours had sold the same block for L10,000--on paper. They then heard
+that the purchaser had re-sold it for L20,000 before dinner, they bought
+it back for L30,000, and re-sold it over supper again for L50,000, a
+good day's work--on paper. Everyone did the same--all were mad. Money
+flowed in from the Old Country in millions, champagne flowed freely all
+over Melbourne in gallons, everyone was intoxicated with joy and soused
+themselves and their friends in champagne to wash down success. Vehicles
+rushed speculators through the streets, trains whisked them to the land
+free, luncheons free awaited all at every turn, fortunes at every step.
+Melbourne was mad drunk--lost!
+
+Buildings--comfortable, sensible buildings--were pulled down and "sky
+scrapers" and mansions were erected in their places. Bridges, good for a
+hundred years to come, were pulled down and millions spent in erecting
+in place of the old ones others not more serviceable or of more use.
+Huge docks, not wanted, were built at fabulous outlays--all these
+buildings stand as monuments of Melbourne's Madness.
+
+The extraordinary good spirits of the Melbournites is a healthy sign.
+Those who not only lost all their money invested, chagrined by their
+folly and left with liabilities that will cripple them for life, smile
+and bear their fall right cheerily.
+
+Some of these notes made by me whilst seeing the Kangarooists at home
+"in a hurry" may not be received in the proper spirit. All new countries
+are sensitive, and resent truths coming from a stranger, while at the
+same time their home critics, though far more severe, are tolerated and
+unchallenged. Now I met one of the most prominent Australians, a man of
+the world, a leading legal light and a Member of Parliament. It was in
+the Legislative Chamber I had a conversation with him on matters
+Australian. He led off: "This bit of a place here (Sydney), with a
+population less than that of a second-class provincial town in England,
+has in it people with more cheek than would be found in the capitals of
+London, Paris and St. Petersburg rolled into one. Why, these people have
+some ingrained vain idea that everything and everybody connected with
+them are the most important things and the most important people in the
+world. Small-minded people in a large country--that is what they are--a
+country the size of Europe with a population less than that of London
+with the intellect of a country village. That is Australia."
+
+[Illustration: I AM INVITED TO PRESENT MYSELF.]
+
+"And divided among themselves. Do you believe in Federation?"
+
+This conversation took place in June, 1897, and three years after,
+Australian Federation had become a reality. It is therefore interesting
+to repeat the opinion of this important Australian on Federation,
+exactly as it took place:
+
+"Well--yes and no. I believe in the principle, properly worked, in a
+country ripe for it; but here in Australia, my dear sir, we do not know
+what federal government means. I have travelled round and round the
+world--ha! ha! not in a hurry, my dear sir, but with the object of
+seeing and learning all about the political workings of countries as
+well as other subjects. I travel so much sometimes that on waking in the
+morning I have to rub my eyes to think for a moment whether I am in St.
+Petersburg or Ottawa, San Francisco or London. I travel so much, one
+country and another to me is like walking out of this room into the
+next. I am, in this respect, an exception. This place is provincial, the
+minds of the people are essentially provincial, they do not understand
+big questions--Federation is a very big question. Now, sir, I am shown a
+new machine that you have at home for cutting your hair--good, it is
+scientific, a thing of beauty and tremendously costly. I say, 'Yes,
+that's all very well, but I cannot see how Mr. Furniss can afford
+such a machine for cutting his hair.' Then everyone cries: 'Oh, he
+does not believe hair should be cut!' Why, I say nothing of the
+sort--hair-cutting is an excellent thing, a necessary thing perhaps, but
+why have in a small establishment tremendous machinery to do it?"
+
+At that moment I caught sight of my head in a glass; the same thought
+struck me, why indeed?
+
+"That is Federation here," my interesting acquaintance continued. "Here,
+in this little bit of a community, not the population of one
+city--London--spread over the whole of it want five separate governments
+to govern those few millions cut up into States!"
+
+From all I could gather, Federation in Australia might possibly be
+realised some day, but it would be in the dim and distant future,
+certainly not "in our time"!
+
+There is a good story told _a propos_ of the candidature of "The
+Cardinal." Of course, the votes recorded for him were solely Catholic,
+the Irish turning up in great force. Two gentlemen from Erin were found
+fighting a deadly battle. When separated and the battle changed for one
+of words in place of blows, Mike declared that he'd "livil the baste to
+the ground for not voting for the Cardinal."
+
+"And who has he voted for?"
+
+"Whoi the blackguard tills me he's voted for Patrick Francis Moran--who
+ever heard of Patrick Francis Moran?"
+
+"Oive voted for the Cardinal--iv course Oi have," replied the other,
+"and it's glad Oi am that Oive nearly kilt that varmint for Moran's
+sake!"
+
+Needless to explain to you Patrick Francis Moran was the Cardinal.
+
+Kangarooists drive engines much in the same way as they drive horses, or
+anything else--a reckless, devil-may-care style.
+
+A certain driver in Queensland was told to run the journey through and
+make no stoppages--this just suited him. On he went. He found the iron
+gates closed at a crossing in a town he passed through; he did not pull
+up--not he--he rushed right through, carrying the gates away. Of course,
+he was reprimanded for this recklessness.
+
+"You might have killed the passengers."
+
+"Why, we only carried two!"
+
+This satisfied the Enquiry Committee as reasonable--in Australia.
+
+This Queensland driver has his prototype in New South Wales. You will
+find him on the express between Melbourne and Sydney, known as "Hell
+Fire Jack," a _sobriquet_ he has gained by his dash and daring in
+running the express. He had brought us on at a rare rate, and having
+completed the middle run, we pulled up to exchange drivers and engines.
+The conductor noticed me gazing at the portly form of the engine-driver,
+who had just jumped off.
+
+"That is Hell Fire Jack. Jack is a wonder--here we are a quarter of an
+hour before time, and Jack had an hour and a half to make up in his
+run--he did it--Jack always does--he'd make up anything. It's he as
+nearly got the sack for making a splendid run some time ago--160 miles
+without a stop. Nothing wrong in that? Well, you see we had four stops
+to make in that 160 miles, and he didn't make 'em. Some bookies in the
+train wanted to get to the races, and made Jack a handsome bet he
+couldn't get 'em there in time--Jack did--that's all--bless you, he's a
+wonder--never had an accident neither, not one! He knows all about
+engines--can stop and mend 'em on the road if it's wanted. And you ought
+to see him pick up his express disc with his train going at 60 miles an
+hour. There is a little arm sticks out of the side of the engine, and
+the disc is suspended at the station. Jack takes it, as I say, going 60
+miles an hour, never eases up--not he--but the disc he has to drop in
+its place has fallen off long before! and the next train has to wait an
+hour to find it. Oh, Jack is a wonder--good-bye, Jack!"
+
+I returned to the carriage relieved by knowing that Hell Fire Jack was
+no longer in charge. Two men were conversing about travelling of a
+different kind--one was saying to the other: "Why, the last time we met
+was on the Coolgardie Coach--wasn't as smooth going as this, eh? ha! ha!
+I shall never forget our driver--don't you remember how drunk he was,
+and how we had to tie him into his seat?--and when he did upset us we
+went flying a couple of hundred yards away. I saw him as I was landing
+on my head on the rock tied to his seat turning over, laughing at us. I
+wonder what became of the old lady and gentleman inside--they carried
+'em off for dead, you know. He did make those horses fly--they were glad
+of the rest, never moved when first down, did they?"
+
+I suppose this was the joke of a Hell Fire Tom. Motor-cars will soon be
+introduced into Australia; then we shall hear of Hell Fire Harry--and a
+funeral.
+
+The Kangarooists really do not value life as we in the Old Country
+do--they certainly do not value horseflesh. You can buy a good horse for
+one shilling. Catsmeat in London is dearer than live horseflesh in
+Australia. They ride and drive anything and everything.
+
+I recollect visiting the best-known horse-bazaar in the Colonies, and
+was shown round by an expert.
+
+"That horse is all right, but I can't recommend it as a stayer. You want
+it for harness? Well, I don't like to deceive you; it ain't much good
+after going seventy miles--no, it's a rotten-hearted beast. It might go
+eighty miles at a stretch, but I won't guarantee more."
+
+"Eighty miles! Good heavens! In the Old Country half that distance at a
+stretch would mean cruelty to animals."
+
+"Maybe it would--those English horses have the best barrels in the
+world, and they are pretty to look at, but no legs. Why, 120 miles is a
+decent run here; rough work through the bush too, but then soft as
+tan--no hard roads like in the Old Country, you know."
+
+"Yes, but the bush is the bush, and you have to go up and down ravines
+and over trees and obstacles of all kinds."
+
+"Right you are. It frightens you at first, but, like the Irishman who
+said his wife didn't mind a beating as she had got so accustomed to it,
+these horses are accustomed to the ups-and-downs of the bush, and you
+get accustomed to it too after a few hours. You may have it pretty
+rough. Lor' bless you, some never stop at anything--there's Jack
+Madcapper and Tom Devil McCary, why, they are daisies. They buy their
+horses here--well, they work 'em, never stop to open a gate, let the
+horses go and clear it, over they go buggy and all. Fences? Well it's a
+little relish now and then to jump 'em, and you ought to see the buggies
+fly in the air. They always take a rope or two to mend up a bit. If a
+horse is injured, they go on with the rest and leave it, and wire us for
+another team. Horses ain't worth thinking about out here, and the gates
+ain't much use, nor the fences either, now that we have nothing to keep
+in them."
+
+I turned to the "vet."
+
+"Valuable race-horses are the best off after all, then?"
+
+"Well, they have neither bits of gates nor fancy fences to negotiate;
+they have stone walls and solid five-foot timber jumps. They have to go
+over the whole lot clear, or come to grief. I have shot about 1,000
+crippled first-class crack racers in ten years on the course alone."
+
+"Then there is no love for the horses here?"
+
+"Nonsense! we love 'em. Why, it is a touching incident, I tell you, when
+I come on the scene to save further pain for the poor animal. The boy
+who has had it in charge runs over with a cloth to throw over his
+favourite. Then he draws me on one side, and says, 'Don't shoot, sir,
+till I'm away, I can't bear it.'"
+
+[Illustration: LANDING AT ADELAIDE.]
+
+Adelaide is a charming place when you get there, but you have to get
+there first. Getting there is no easy matter if you arrive by sea, as
+you must when coming direct from the Old Country. Both for comfort and
+effect Adelaide is better approached by land, as when coming by rail
+from Melbourne. The railway has to cross the range of hills which shuts
+Adelaide in from the east, and some fine views of the city and the
+plains are obtained.
+
+From the anchorage at Largs Bay the city is barely visible, and
+travellers have to take train through Port Adelaide up to the city, a
+journey of about eight miles across the plains. These plains have been
+cleared of trees, and the country is bare and uninteresting.
+
+Before starting on this journey, however, the unhappy voyager has much
+to go through. In this respect Adelaide compares badly with Melbourne
+and Sydney. Sydney harbours the largest steamers in the centre of the
+city; Melbourne allows them to come to the back door--at Port
+Melbourne; while Adelaide compels them to stay outside in the middle of
+the road, or roadstead, and a very rough roadstead it is. When the
+weather is at all fresh, the landing is positively dangerous. The steam
+launches which come out to the mail steamers are bound round from stem
+to stern with huge rope fenders. When the launches are jumping,
+wriggling and plunging alongside the steamers, it is no easy matter to
+get into them, and anyone but a sailor or a professional acrobat would
+find it safest to be lowered over the side in a basket. The voyage to
+the jetty at Largs Bay is a brief epitome of the Bay of Biscay, the
+Australian Bight, and the monsoons of the Indian Ocean. When you reach
+the jetty, you are hoisted on to it by practised hands as the launch
+jumps to the right level. Then--splash! and up comes a green sea through
+the boards and you are wet to the skin. Bathing, it seems, like
+education, is "free and compulsory" at Adelaide. Perhaps this is a part
+of the quarantine operations--disinfection by salt water. This sea bath
+is, however, the only thing, as far as I am aware, that the traveller
+gets for nothing in South Australia. Passengers' baggage is charged for
+when it lands at the jetty at the rate of 1_s._ 3_d._ per cwt., and the
+same has to be paid on leaving. When at last you get into the
+train!--such a train! but perhaps the railway department does not like
+the risk of having good carriages soiled by passengers' wet clothes--you
+compare this "boat express" with those of Folkestone, Dover, Harwich,
+and Southampton. The first-class carriages are not equal to the
+third-class on the English lines. Being an express, this train runs more
+than a mile without stopping. Then you have to change trains. When you
+get along again, you notice that the railway to Port Adelaide runs along
+the street without any fence whatever to prevent people from driving or
+walking on to the line. Fatalities of course are common, and excite
+little notice; bolting horses and consequent accidents are of almost
+daily occurrence, and the local residents get quite to enjoy being
+pitched out of their buggies. Life here cannot be dull, while it lasts.
+Passengers are lucky if they reach Adelaide within an hour and a half
+of leaving the steamer, the distance being about ten miles.
+
+The Zoological Gardens of Adelaide are particularly fine. The situation
+is lovely, the plan is excellent, and originality shown in the design of
+the houses. The specimens are fairly numerous and all excellent of their
+kind, and at most points, this is the best "Zoo" in the Colonies. The
+most original house is that of the guinea-pigs, which is a huge doll's
+house, complete with blinds and even a scraper at the door, and an
+inscription outside, "School for Young Ladies--conducted by the Misses
+Guinea Pig." The cage that attracted me most was that of Pondicherry
+vultures. Mr. Gladstone has often been caricatured as a grand old bird,
+but the Pondicherry vulture is a replica of the veteran statesman,
+collar and all.
+
+[Illustration: PONDICHERRY VULTURES.]
+
+[Illustration: THE MAID OF THE INN.]
+
+There are many beautiful drives around Adelaide--at least, as beautiful
+as is possible when the scenery is marred by a barrenness of soil, a
+lack of greenness in the grass, an absence of wild flowers, and a dull
+uniform and sombre tint upon all the trees. The hills, which look
+somewhat featureless from the city, are riven in a hundred places by
+rocky gorges or gullies, and many well-made roads cross the range at
+various points. The roads to Belair and Mount Lofty, to Green Hill,
+Marble Hill, Moriatta, and a score of other places, give at numerous
+points fine views of the hills and the plain, and some of the
+waterfalls, notably the one at Waterfall Gully and at Fourth Creek, are
+eminently picturesque in a rugged way. I was advised to ignore all these
+beauty spots in favour of one--namely, Paradise. The name seemed to
+augur well, and my adviser seemed so serious that I determined to make
+my way to Paradise. In my mind I conjured up a place of infinite romance
+and beauty, the choice of all the pleasant places in a pleasant land;
+the Garden of Eden of the Southern Hemisphere. Expectation was at flood
+with sunny imaginings as I journeyed over level and dusty roads towards
+this land of promise. I drew Paradise as I saw it, and the sketch will
+tell more about its beauties than volumes of description. I made for the
+hotel, and there I found a lady who took me into the garden and pointed
+out a gap in the fence through which I could squeeze my way into
+Paradise. I went expecting to be rewarded by a glimpse of the romantic
+and picturesque of which I was in search. I had been told of the
+wonderful orange groves of this place. There were trees with oranges
+growing--about enough to feed an average school-treat; and at last I saw
+the point of all the joke--a girl-child was tempting a boy to steal
+oranges; the serpent had left, so I made for the hole in the fence and
+quitted Paradise for ever, I have looked for the humorist who sent me
+there, but we have not met since, which is perhaps as well.
+
+[Illustration: THE WAY INTO PARADISE.]
+
+[Illustration: PARADISE.]
+
+One of the chief characteristics of Australian city life is its lack of
+characteristic features. The types of civilised humanity one meets might
+be denizens of Islington or Battersea for any distinguishing trait to
+stamp them as Antipodeans. There is a certain breezy familiarity and
+absence of suavity in their manners and deportment, but otherwise they
+are an average lot of mixed Britishers and no more.
+
+[Illustration: ADAM AND EVE.]
+
+As soon as I arrived I went about in search of a type of the Australian
+girl for my pictures, and was sketching one from my hotel window as
+typical of a real Australian, when the Captain of our ship came in and
+said, "Oh, there's that Cockney, Miss So-and-so!"
+
+She came over in our ship second-class, and had never been in Australia
+before!
+
+I recollect a similar instance in Ottawa, Canada. I was returning from
+Government House, where I had been taken by the Mayor to sign the
+visitors' book, and as we were returning in the electric car I sat
+opposite a fine, smart specimen of a youth. I whispered to my Canadian
+acquaintance, "Is that a genuine type of a true Canadian?"
+
+"Yes, a perfect type."
+
+I made the sketch.
+
+The following evening I was the guest at Government House, and to my
+surprise I noticed that one of the servants at dinner was the typical
+Canadian I had sketched. He was MacSandy, fresh from Aberdeen!
+
+But if I have been mistaken, others are sometimes mistaken in me, for a
+few hours before the surprise recorded above happened I was in my hotel
+in Ottawa, the morning after I had appeared in the Opera House in the
+"Humours of Parliament." An eminent Canadian divine was ushered into my
+quarters, and addressing me said:
+
+"Allow me to introduce myself, and to say that I listened with the
+greatest pleasure and profit to your most admirable discourse last
+evening."
+
+I bowed my very best.
+
+[Illustration: A TYPE.]
+
+"I must say," continued the rev. gentleman, "that your efforts in the
+cause of Christianity in this city are marked by a fervour and
+earnestness that cannot fail to convert."
+
+"Really," I said, "you flatter me."
+
+"Ah, no, sir; you are one of the brave soldiers of Christianity who
+march through the world addressing huge audiences and influencing the
+masses, taking life seriously, and denouncing frivolity and
+worldliness."
+
+"Well," I said, "I don't think I do any harm, but I must disclaim for my
+poor efforts to amuse--"
+
+"Amuse, sir!" repeated the astonished divine. "Surely I am speaking to
+the gentleman whose stirring discourse it was my good fortune to listen
+to last evening in Dominion Church?"
+
+"No, sir, I was in the Grand Opera House."
+
+"Then you are not Dr. Munhall, the Revivalist?"
+
+"Bless you, no, sir. I am Furniss, the caricaturist."
+
+"Good gracious! where's the door? Let me out! They have brought me to
+the wrong room!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+PLATFORM CONFESSIONS.
+
+     Lectures and Lecturers--The Boy's Idea--How to Deliver It--The
+     Professor--The Actors--My First Platform--Smoke--Cards--On the
+     Table--Nurses--Some Unrehearsed Effects--Dress--A Struggle with a
+     Shirt--A Struggle with a Bluebottle--Sir William Harcourt Goes
+     out--My Lanternists Go Out--Chairmen--The Absent Chairman--The
+     Ideal Chairman--The Political Chairman--The Ignorant
+     Chairman--Chestnuts--Misunderstood--Advice to Those about to
+     Lecture--I am Overworked--"'Arry to Harry."
+
+
+[Illustration: QUEEN'S HALL, LONDON. I WAS THE FIRST TO SPEAK FROM THE
+PLATFORM.]
+
+That hateful word "lecture"! Oh, how I detest it! In the juvenile brain
+it conjures up mental punishment in the shape of a scolding, for to be
+"lectured" is to be verbally flogged, and the wrathful words that smite
+the youthful ear carry with them just as sharp a sting as the knots of
+the lash that fall on the hapless back of the prison culprit.
+
+To the boyish mind the lecturer is pictured as an old fossil to whom he
+has to listen attentively for an hour without understanding a word of
+his learned discourse. The funereal blackboard, the austere diagrams,
+the severe pointer and the chilly glass of water, a professor something
+like one of the prehistoric creatures he is talking about, with his long
+hair and long words, his egotistical learning, his platitudes and pauses
+and mumblings, combine to depress the youngster, who all the time is
+longing for the fresh air and an hour of cricket or football. Then the
+notes he is supposed to take! True, there is a certain momentary feeling
+of pleasure and importance on acquiring the first clean, new notebook
+and long, well-sharpened pencil, but it is of very, very brief duration.
+The boy won't be happy till he gets it, but he's anything but happy when
+he's got it! He sees (of course I refer here to public lectures) some
+"prehistoric gurls," as an Irish boy once termed them to me, taking
+copious notes, but the long words and learned phrases stagger the
+budding scientist and befog his as yet undeveloped brain. I am speaking
+from my experience when I attended the first of a series of lectures by
+leading professors of the Dryasdust species.
+
+Nor does the subsequent cross-examination by the parents enhance in the
+youthful idea the pleasure of being lectured to.
+
+In boyhood's days the student has to attend his lectures, and when they
+are over he rejoices accordingly; but what about the lectures in after
+life? Although I have given many of these latter myself, I cannot say
+that my experience as one of the audience has been very extensive, as I
+have only heard one or two. The first I heard was delivered by Professor
+Herkomer some years ago. The subject interested me, as I thought I knew
+more about it than the lecturer himself, and Herkomer's delivery was
+particularly good, but it was a "lecture" in the strict sense of the
+word. We were scolded, and went away like whipped boys. When I stood on
+that identical platform a few years afterwards _I_ scolded everybody--it
+is the duty of the lecturer to do so.
+
+A lecturer must be a personage altogether superior--this is essential.
+If he does not possess this attribute, he must assume it. Modesty is
+ineffective; mock-modesty is distasteful; you must instruct your
+audience. The commonest platitudes will serve if you call it a
+"lecture," and address them to an audience as if they were a lot of
+school children.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When a lecture-entertainment has been written, the question then is how
+to deliver it. Now, with the exception of returning thanks for "art" or
+"literature" or for "the visitors" now and then at a City banquet, I was
+quite unaccustomed to public speaking. A friend of mine suggested I
+should take lessons in elocution from "one of those actor fellows." "It
+is not what you say but how you say it," he said to me. "Indeed!" I
+replied, rather nettled. "Matthew Arnold had a wretched delivery, and I
+think there was something in what he said." "True, but you are not a
+Matthew Arnold, nor I should say a George Dawson either. So take lessons
+in elocution, my boy, and save yourself and your audience." Therefore,
+modestly I went to consult a professor of elocution with my lecture in
+my pocket, feeling very much as I did when I first walked to school, or
+to my first editor with my youthful artistic attempts. I had, by the
+way, attended an elocution class and a drawing class in my school days,
+but no boy was expected to learn anything from either.
+
+It is curious to notice how parents willingly subscribe to the school
+extra, "Elocution class," in the belief that it gives boys confidence. I
+was a nervous boy, so I joined. The drawing extra certainly gives a boy
+confidence, because he sees the feeble productions of the drawing-master
+and feels he has little to learn in order to become one himself. I shall
+never forget my first attempt in the elocution class at school. The
+Professor selected a piece for the day--it was to be learned
+letter-perfect. Now I unfortunately parodied it and burlesqued the
+Professor, who stood at the end of the library, giving us suitable
+actions to the words. We all faced him like a company of soldiers formed
+in a square. Being small, I, sheltered by the big boys in front,
+indulged in my antics with impunity. Certainly I did not want confidence
+at that moment. This over, we sat down round the library, and then the
+custom was to call out a boy to recite the piece of the day alone for
+the benefit of the others. He called upon me! Confidence had fled. I was
+not struck with stage fright, but with Professor fright. I tried to
+repeat the words and thought I did, but not until I was stigmatised by
+the Professor as incorrigible, and ordered to sit down, was I aware that
+I had really given my parody and not the piece.
+
+When I went in search of another Professor this incident of my last came
+to my memory, and I felt unhappy. Attitude is everything, thought I. I
+shall look in at the picture galleries as I pass and compare the
+oratorical attitudes of the people of the past. I was rehearsing before
+one in the National Gallery when my antics attracted a lady. I looked
+round to see the effect--she was laughing. It was Miss Mary Anderson,
+the celebrated actress. I told her I was about to lecture and was on my
+way to take lessons in elocution. "Do nothing of the sort," she cried.
+"The public does not want to hear your attempts at elocution. Say what
+you have to say in your own way. Speak slowly and distinctly, and let
+everyone hear right at the end of the room." So it came to pass that
+Miss Mary Anderson was my only teacher in elocution, and this was the
+only lesson I received. Although what I say on the platform may not be
+worth listening to, I take good care that no one has to ask me to speak
+up, and put their hands to their ears to hear what I am saying; nor do I
+think, as I avoid the "preachy" style of delivery, my audiences get
+weary of hearing my voice.
+
+[Illustration: MISS MARY ANDERSON.]
+
+
+MY FIRST PLATFORM.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"By desire," I rehearsed my first lecture, "Art and Artists," at the
+Savage Club, previous to my giving it in public. In those days the
+Savages smoked their pipe of peace in a long room in the Savoy,
+overlooking the graveyard where so many of their tribe lay at rest. I
+recollect the reading-room at the back looked on to a huge building with
+mournful black lettering on it, announcing the fact that it was the
+office of some Necropolis. Truly a doleful surrounding for the club
+whose members are engaged in promoting the gaiety of nations! The long
+room was divided into two, the longer portion being the dining-room, and
+the smaller one the card-room, and on Saturday evenings, when they all
+sat round smoking their calumets, and singing their songs, and dancing
+their war-dances, the room was tried to its utmost capacity, and as on
+the occasion to which I am referring the tribe paid me the compliment of
+assembling in its numbers, the whole room was required. It was late in
+the evening when I arrived, and I found the lanternist in a state of
+agitation because the partition was not down, and he was, therefore,
+unable to put up the screen, as the card-players vigorously protested
+against any disturbance.
+
+Now it has always struck me, perhaps more forcibly on this occasion than
+on any other, that the most selfish men on the face of the earth are to
+be found in the card-rooms of clubs. The time was close at hand for me
+to make my maiden effort in public lecturing, and I was not going to be
+baffled by a handful of card-players; so, backed by the authority of the
+secretary, I ordered them in Cromwellian tones to "Take away that
+partition!" The players were all but invisible, surrounded as they were
+by volumes of smoke, out of which there issued incalculable quantities
+of great big D's intermixed with the fumes of poisonous nicotine. Down
+went the partition, up went the screen, on went the game. I firmly
+believe they would not have looked up had Cavendish come to deliver a
+discourse from the platform on whist. I was quite prepared to proceed
+without disturbing their game, but a difficulty arose--there was no
+platform, and I required their tables for the purpose. The grumbling
+gamblers had to submit at last, and cards in hand they betook themselves
+to another room, so I was able to mount my first platform--a collection
+of tables. Now I don't know how it is, but it is a fact that there is
+nothing more unnerving than to stand on a table. The infantile prodigy
+who is put up on a table for the first time so as to be better admired
+by fair visitors, and who has previously struggled manfully from one end
+of the room to the other on the floor, totters and falls at the first
+step when raised to this higher elevation. Anyone can with ease stand on
+a chair and hang up a picture or anything of the sort, but standing on a
+table has the effect of making you grow weak in the knees and light in
+the head. This is not the effect of the extra height, but the knowledge
+that the table was constructed so that you could put your feet under it,
+and, therefore, they have no right on top of it.
+
+Have you ever been in a court of justice in Ireland and seen a witness
+perched upon a table? In that enlightened country a table takes the
+place of the witness-box. The result is delightful. Standing in a
+witness-box and leaning comfortably over the bar, you can be
+comparatively at your ease, your legs can tremble unobserved, and you
+seem to be in a measure protected from the searching gaze of the public.
+Not so in the Emerald Isle. The chair is placed in the centre of the
+table in the well of the court between the judges and the counsel, and
+the unfortunate witness, finding himself in this elevated and awkward
+position, becomes nervous in the extreme. His feet are a great source of
+discomfort to him. He doesn't seem to know what to do with them. First
+he tucks them under the chair, then he crosses them, then he turns his
+toes out, then he turns them in, and just when he is beginning to get
+accustomed to his embarrassing situation, the cross-examination begins,
+and he is at the counsel's mercy:
+
+"Now thin, don't be gaping at the jury, sir; why arrn't you respectful
+and keep your eye on his lordship?"
+
+"Now, sir, attind to me whin I'm speaking, look me straight in the face,
+and answer me!"
+
+"D'ye see this gintleman on me right? Now, now, don't hisitate, keep
+cool!"
+
+It is more than the poor witness can do to keep on the chair. The judge
+is on his right, the counsel on the left, and the jury in front of him,
+and after vainly trying to keep his eye on them all at the same time, in
+obedience to his counsel's injunctions, he is requested by the opposing
+counsel to observe some witness in the court behind him. In my opinion
+the witness ought to be provided with a swivel chair, or else the clerks
+who sit round ought to be adepts in the art of table-turning.
+
+[Illustration: GIVING MY "HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT" TO THE NURSES.]
+
+Some years later I had another experience of speaking from an impromptu
+platform; perhaps the most unique audience I ever addressed. It was at
+Merchant Taylors' Hall, when a reception was given to hospital nurses
+from all over the kingdom. My pencil perhaps can give a better idea of
+the sundry and various varieties of the "nursus hospitalicus" from the
+different nurseries of the country. There was no proper platform or
+stage, so the attendants had the task of moving all the heavy tables in
+the splendid hall together, so as to form a substitute. This I thought
+very efficient, but when I mounted it I found that I could much better
+have given an exhibition of fancy sliding or skating than illustrations
+of the pedestrian peculiarities of Members of Parliament. I was inwardly
+pleased to think that my audience was entirely composed of skilled
+nurses, who were close at hand should anything happen, for I had serious
+misgivings about the slippery surface of my improvised stage. Visions of
+myself with a broken arm or leg floated before me, and, indeed, I don't
+think I should have been so very sorry had an accident occurred, so
+enraptured was I by the sight of so much feminine beauty.
+
+Those in front were all seated on the floor, while the rest were
+standing in the huge hall, there being no seats. I noticed that the
+prettiest dress was that worn by the nurses from the lunatic asylums. I
+felt that I would eventually come under the supervision of these ladies,
+for a military band, regardless of my performance, was playing a
+selection from the "Gondoliers" just outside in the corridor, and if I
+had not had it stopped, I would certainly have gone out of my mind. I
+particularly noticed on this evening that various points were passed
+over in silence by my audience which are invariably taken by others. In
+the second part of my entertainment I make a speech in the character of
+the "Member for Boredom," anent the use of black sticking-plaster in
+public hospitals. This is intended by me to be more of a satire than a
+humorous incident, and I am supposed to bore my audience as the
+honourable gentleman is supposed to bore the House; but on this occasion
+the nurses, who understood very little about politics, simply roared
+with laughter at the mention of a subject with which they were so
+familiar. Truth to tell, I was rather doubtful whether I had succeeded
+in entertaining the charming ladies, and was therefore particularly
+gratified to receive the following note from Sir Henry Burdett:
+
+     "DEAR MR. FURNISS,--I hope you were satisfied with your audience
+     after all. They were quite delighted with your 'Humours of
+     Parliament,' and the fame of your handiwork will be carried all
+     over the United Kingdom and to the Colonies, for there were over
+     1,100 nurses present, and some from the Colonies. This is the
+     greatest gathering of nurses which has ever been held, and I was
+     much struck with the discipline they displayed in responding
+     cheerfully to the request that they would keep quiet and settle
+     down.
+
+     "If you were as pleased with the audience as they were with you,
+     the meeting ought indeed to be a happy one....
+
+     "With many thanks for your most excellent and successful
+     performance, which gave just _eclat_ to the gathering to-night,
+
+                  "Believe me, faithfully yours,
+                                     "HENRY C. BURDETT."
+
+The most difficult audience of all to address is a small audience. I
+feel far more at home before an audience of three or four thousand than
+I do before three or four hundred. But the most critical audience, I
+think, is a boys' school. Not that they criticise you so much at the
+moment, particularly if you appear as an antidote to Dryasdust. But
+experience has shown me that something one may have said has opened a
+fresh idea in the youthful mind, and the criticism, though frequently
+belated, is more genuine than that of the matured members of the public
+who simply wish to be amused for the passing hour.
+
+[Illustration: SPEAKER BRAND, AFTERWARDS VISCOUNT HAMPDEN.]
+
+Sometimes I have discovered in my audience public men I am "taking off"
+in my entertainment. This more frequently happened in the "Humours of
+Parliament," where the M.P. of the place in which I appeared came if I
+was not too unkind to him. But it more often happened he sent a member
+of the family in advance, to find out whether the great man was
+lampooned or not.
+
+A friend of mine on a visit to a country house informed me that his
+hostess, seeing I was "billed" for two nights in the neighbourhood,
+previous to arranging a house party to hear me, took the precaution to
+send the Curate the first night to report. He came back and condemned me
+and my show unmercifully; my manner, matter, and voice were all bad, and
+I was certainly not worth hearing. So the party did not go. It so
+happened that in the particular entertainment I was giving--"America in
+a Hurry"--I imitate a lisping country parson struggling through a
+wretched entertainment with a lantern!
+
+The most trying, at the same time most interesting, experience I had was
+in my first tour with my "Humours of Parliament," when I appeared at
+Lewes. The ex-Speaker of the House of Commons, Viscount Hampden, was in
+my audience, and it was interesting to watch him as I gave my imitations
+of him, calling an unruly Member to order.
+
+It was all but arranged for me to give my "Humours of Parliament"
+before her late Majesty at Balmoral. I got as far as Aberdeen, but a
+death in the Royal Family put a stop to all entertainments.
+
+
+SOME UNREHEARSED EFFECTS.
+
+The dress suit and the regulation white tie are essential to those who
+appear in public upon the platform. Mr. Frederick Villiers, the popular
+war correspondent, is an exception to this rule. He appears in his
+campaigning attire, with his white helmet on and a water-bottle slung
+round him; but of course it would be somewhat incongruous for a man in
+evening dress, that emblem of civilisation and peace, more suggestive of
+the drawing-room than the battle-field, to dilate upon the platform on
+the horrors of campaigning, and to take you through the stirring scenes
+of "War on a White Sheet." It would be equally absurd for a lecturer on,
+say, "The Life and Habits of a Microbe," to be dressed in the garb of a
+backwoodsman; but I was once obliged to deliver a lecture on "Art" in a
+rough tweed suit.
+
+It so happened that I was giving a series of lectures in the vicinity of
+Birmingham, and I was stopping with a friend of mine, the Director of
+the Art Gallery and Museum there. He suggested my leaving my Gladstone
+bag, containing my change of clothes, in his office, while I spent my
+day rummaging about old book shops for first editions and making calls
+on various friends. My host having had to go to London that day, I was
+left to my own devices, and it was about five o'clock in the evening
+when I went to the Museum for my belongings. To my horror I saw a notice
+up: "Museum closed at three o'clock on Wednesdays," and this was
+Wednesday! I rang and knocked, and knocked and rang, but all in vain. I
+crossed over to some other municipal buildings to see if there was
+anyone there who could help me out of my dilemma, but my spirits went
+down to zero when I was there informed that the custodian of the keys
+lived miles out of the town. Back I went to the Museum, fiercely
+plotting an ascent up the water-spout or a burglarious entrance through
+a back window, when, to my delight, I saw an attendant gesticulating to
+me from a window three or four stories from the ground. My time was
+running very short, so I rapidly explained to him the predicament I was
+in, and implored him to throw my bag out of the window. He told me that
+he was a prisoner locked in to look after the building, that there were
+three or four double-locked doors between him and the private office in
+which my coveted bag was lying, and wound up with the cheering
+announcement that my case was hopeless.
+
+I had only a few minutes left in which to catch my train. A glance at my
+cuffs showed me that one's linen has to be changed pretty frequently in
+a Midland town, so I made a frantic dive into a shirt-maker's.
+
+[Illustration: THE SURPRISE SHIRT.]
+
+"White shirt, turn-down collar. Look sharp!"
+
+"Yes, sir; size round neck, sir?"
+
+"Oh, thirty, forty--anything you like, only look sharp." Time was nearly
+up.
+
+He measured my neck carefully. The size was a little under my estimate,
+so I got the shirt, bolted for the station, and jumped into the train as
+it was going off, my only luggage being my recent purchase. I got into
+this, and soon I was on the platform in my tweed suit. I apologised to
+the audience for making my appearance minus the orthodox costume, saying
+it might have been worse, and that it was better to appear without my
+dress clothes than without the lantern or the screen. I believe they
+soon forgot there was anything unusual about me, but I think that as I
+worked up to my subject, and became more and more energetic, they could
+see that I wasn't altogether happy. That wretched shirt certainly fitted
+me round the neck, but the sleeves were abnormally long for me, and the
+cuffs being wide, they shot out over my hands with every gesture. If I
+uplifted my hands imploringly, up they went, halfway up the screen; if
+with outstretched arms I drove one of my best points home, those cuffs
+would come out and droop pensively down over my hands; if I brought my
+fist down emphatically, a vast expanse of white linen flew out with a
+lightning-like rapidity that made the people in the first row start back
+and tremble for their safety; and when, after my final grand peroration,
+I let my hands drop by my side, those cuffs came down and dangled on the
+platform.
+
+If my reader happens to be much under the medium height, and rather
+broad in proportion, I would warn him not to buy his shirts ready-made.
+I cannot understand the idea of measurement that leads a shirtmaker to
+cut out a shirt taking the circumference of the neck as a basis. I know
+a man about six feet high who has a neck like a walking-stick. If he
+bought a shirt on the shirtmakers' system, it would barely act as a
+chest-preserver; and on the other hand, this shirt in question, as I
+said before, certainly fitted me round the neck, but I nearly stepped on
+the sleeves as I went off the platform at the close of my lecture, and
+some of the audience must think to this day that I am a conjuror, and
+that on this occasion I was going to show them some card trick with the
+aid of my sleeves, which would have been invaluable to the Heathen
+Chinee. Indeed, this is not the only time I have been suspected of being
+a sort of necromancer.
+
+I had a friend who was so anxious to improve his artistic knowledge that
+he used to come night after night with me to hear my lecture on "Art."
+It frequently happened that there was not a seat to spare in the hall,
+and on these occasions he used to come up on the platform and sit behind
+the screen, where he could see the pictures just the same. I think on
+the particular night I refer to I was delivering a lecture on
+"Portraiture," and at a certain passage I show a very flattering
+portrait, supposed to be the work of an old master. The portrait having
+appeared, I then dwelt upon the original, and pointed out "that no
+doubt, if we could see the original of this portrait, if we could see
+again the man who sat for it, I would not hesitate to say that we would
+be alarmed at the inconsistency of pictorial art. I will show you,
+ladies and gentlemen, what I imagine this gentleman must have been
+like!"
+
+As I was speaking, some old gentleman in the side gallery had either
+fallen asleep or was very excited by my remarks, for he somehow jerked
+the cord which fastened the top of the screen to the gallery, and snap
+went the cord and down came the screen! Behind it there was an expanse
+of empty platform, with a semi-circular seat, and on it sat my friend,
+the enthusiast on art, fast asleep! The limelight, no longer checked by
+the screen, fell full upon him, and the rounds of applause which
+followed showed me that my unrehearsed effect, which might have ruined
+the evening, had made it instead a great success.
+
+[Illustration: DISCOVERED!]
+
+There are sure to be occasional mishaps when the lecturer is assisted by
+the lantern; but as in my case, when one is not taken too seriously, it
+is easy to turn the misfortune off with a joke.
+
+A fly was the offender on one occasion in my experience. I was showing
+some portraits of Mr. Gladstone in my entertainment "The Humours of
+Parliament," and was doing my level best to rouse an appreciative North
+Country audience to a high pitch of enthusiasm for the man they
+worshipped so. I was telling them that at one moment he looks like this,
+and at another moment he looks like that, when I was amazed to hear them
+go into fits of laughter! In describing Mr. Gladstone I dilate upon him
+first in a rhetorical vein, and then proceed to caricature my own
+delineations, and it has always been flattering to me to find that the
+serious portraits have been received with a grave attention only
+equalled by the laughter with which the caricatures have been greeted.
+But not so on this occasion. I spoke of his flashing eye (titters!), his
+noble brow (laughter!), his patriarchal head (roars!), and a mention of
+his commanding aquiline nose nearly sent them into hysterics! Now in my
+lecturing days mishaps may have occurred which were due to some fault of
+the lantern or operator provided by the society I lectured to; but with
+the splendid set of lanterns I had made for my entertainment, engineered
+by the infallible Professor who exhibited for me, I never troubled to
+look round to see if the picture was all right. But for a second it
+struck me that by some mischance he might be showing the caricatures in
+place of the serious portraits. Quickly I turned round, and the sight
+that met my eyes made me at once join in the general roar. There was a
+gigantic fly promenading on the nasal organ of the Grand Old Man,
+unheeding the attempts which were being made on its life by the
+Professor, armed with a long pointed weapon. It had walked into the
+Professor's parlour--that is to say, into his lantern--and taken up its
+temporary residence between the lenses, whence it was magnified a
+hundredfold on to the screen!
+
+[Illustration: THE FLY IN THE CAMERA.]
+
+If anything of this kind happens to a Professor lecturing on some
+scientific subject, it is no laughing matter, especially to a gentleman
+lecturing at a meeting of the British Association. At one of these
+gatherings a well-known Professor was giving a most interesting and
+appreciated address, illustrated by the limelight, on the subject of
+"Quartz Fibres." If I remember rightly, he was explaining to the
+audience that the strands of a spider's web were purposely rough so that
+the spider could climb them easily, but that a quartz fibre was smooth
+and glassy, and a spider would never attempt to ascend one. He showed on
+the sheet a single thread of a spider's web and a single quartz fibre,
+and amid the breathless excitement of the audience a real live spider
+was put into the lantern. The applause with which it was greeted must
+have made the poor thing nervous, I suppose, or else it may have had an
+attack of stage fright; anyhow, it curled itself up in a corner and
+refused to budge. A sharpened pencil, which magnified on the screen
+looked like a battering-ram, was brought into play, and the unfortunate
+creature had to rouse itself. "Now, ladies and gentlemen, you will
+notice that it is quite impossible for the spider to ascend the quartz
+fibre--it may try, but it is bound to fail--but see how it will rush to
+the strand from its familiar web!" The spider received an extra dig with
+the pencil, and then with astonishing alacrity ran to the quartz fibre,
+up which it climbed with the greatest ease amid the roars of the
+delighted audience. The fact was that the Professor had omitted to
+explain that his argument only applied to female spiders. These have a
+pernicious habit of running after their spouses and belabouring them, so
+the poor hubby is provided by Nature with a hirsute growth on his legs
+which enables him to escape by climbing, and nothing would delight him
+more than for his wife to give chase to him if there was a quartz fibre
+anywhere near.
+
+Sometimes there is no gallery in which to place the lantern, and then
+the pictures have to be shown from the floor of the hall, when it seems
+to be the delight of everyone coming in late to walk up the centre in
+the full light of the powerful rays of the lantern, presumably for the
+pleasure of beholding their image projected in silhouette on to the
+screen. Those awful feminine hats ought to be abolished, and all late
+comers ought to be made to find their seats on their hands and knees, as
+they run the risk of upsetting the thread of the lecturer's discourse,
+and the gravity of the audience as well, I remember once when I was
+giving my lecture on "Portraiture: Past and Present," and illustrating
+the portraits on medals, I came to some near the bottom of the screen.
+"Here," said I, "we have the Lord Mayor and the Lady Mayoress of London,
+1300 A.D." At that moment the Mayor and Mayoress of the town, who, for
+effect I suppose, had come in a quarter of an hour late to the seats
+reserved for them in the centre of the hall, walked past the rays of the
+lantern, and were of course projected on to the screen, unconsciously
+burlesquing my picture, and causing an effect they had not anticipated.
+
+I referred just now to mishaps that will occur with the best-regulated
+lanterns. The gas, for instance, may become prematurely exhausted, which
+necessitates a stoppage while the cylinders are being changed, and when
+Rudyard Kipling's work, "The Light that Failed," was published, I
+immediately sent for a copy, thinking that probably the author had tried
+entertaining with the aid of the limelight in India and had had some
+experience of this kind. I could give that clever author plenty of
+material for another volume on "The Light that Failed"--a collection of
+anecdotes connected with the magic lantern. But, as I said, it doesn't
+so much matter to the entertainer as the lecturer, who must be _au
+serieux_, and when I was a lecturer I felt any mishap of the kind very
+keenly; but an entertainer is a privileged being, and can turn the
+matter off with a joke at the expense of his manager, his gas-man, his
+audience, or his subject. No less a personage than Sir William Harcourt
+happened to be on the screen when my gas went out one evening in
+Scotland. I had to retire from the platform while new cylinders of gas
+were being adjusted, and when I made my reappearance I assured my
+audience that it was probably the first occasion on which Sir William
+had been put out for want of gas!
+
+[Illustration: LATE ARRIVALS.]
+
+I recollect, though, once at Bradford, where I was lecturing, the
+audience were put out for want of it, for the operators supplied by the
+association I was lecturing to were utterly incompetent. The gas was
+bad, to begin with--it became small by degrees and beautifully less, and
+suddenly went out altogether! So did the operators. They simply bolted
+out of the hall, and left the lantern to manage itself.
+
+
+CHAIRMEN.
+
+Du Maurier made a delightful drawing for _Punch_ of a sandwich
+advertising contractor dismissing a man with a board on which was the
+letter H. "Now, look 'ere, you H! The public don't want yer, nor _I_
+don't, nor nobody don't--so 'ook it!" Or something to that effect.
+
+[Illustration: RESERVED SEATS.]
+
+I wish lecturers could dismiss chairmen in the same peremptory fashion,
+for I am sure the public don't want him, nor _I_ don't, nor nobody.
+Their boredom had better be dropped like the poor letter H--which, by
+the way, some chairmen drop pretty frequently.
+
+I'll classify the chairmen as follows:--The Absent Chairman, the Ideal
+Chairman, the Political Chairman, and the Ignorant Chairman.
+
+_The Absent Chairman._--I must divide the Absent Chairman into two
+heads. Two heads are better than one, but if both are absent--the one in
+body and the other in mind--it is evident no head is better than two.
+The absent in body does not turn up at the lecture--forgets all about
+it, or remembers too well what he suffered before. The lecturer and his
+audience are kept waiting. The absent in mind does turn up,
+though--turns up anything but trumps. He--"ah!--feels--ah!--the
+honour--ah!--of presiding this evening." He "has the honour--ah!--of
+introducing the lecturer, a lady--ah!--a gentleman, I should say, whose
+name is a household word. Who does not know the name of--ah (feels in
+all his pockets for syllabus)--of--ah--this gentleman who is about to
+delight us all this evening on a--yes, yes,"--takes from his pocket a
+piece of paper from which he reads: "The Rev. Carbon Chalker, M.A., on
+Microbes found in the Middle Strata of Undiscovered Coal." "This rev.
+gentleman no doubt----" he proceeds, when he is quickly interrupted by
+the secretary, who jumps up and says, "Excuse me, Mr. Chairman, that is
+last year's syllabus you have in your hand."
+
+The Ideal Chairman is one who rises and says, "Ladies and gentlemen,--I
+have the honour this evening to introduce to you Mr. Snooks, who has
+something interesting to tell you, and one hour in which to tell it. I
+will not stand in his way or take up your time by saying anything
+further." Now how seldom this happens! As a rule the chairman makes an
+excuse to deliver a speech on his own account. The most extraordinary
+case of that kind I ever heard of occurred at Birmingham. The amiable
+Member for one of the districts in Birmingham, whose name is always
+associated with "three acres and a cow," had to take the chair at a
+lecture given one evening to the people. As soon as the popular M.P.
+rose to speak there were loud cries of "Three acres--three acres! How is
+the coo? How is the coo?" It was just at the time when he had introduced
+that question. He rose to the occasion and made a long and elaborate
+speech upon the subject at heart. He went on speaking from about
+thirty-five to forty minutes. When he sat down the gentleman who had
+arrived from London to give his lecture on "Wit and Humour" simply rose
+and said: "Ladies and gentlemen,--I have the honour this evening to
+propose a vote of thanks to our member for his very interesting address
+upon the subject of 'Three Acres and a Cow.'" Someone else got up and
+seconded the motion, and it was carried unanimously amid great laughter
+and cheering. Then the chairman rose and began thanking the audience for
+the compliment they had paid him, and for the kind way in which they had
+listened to him. And a twelve-month later it dawned upon him that he was
+only the chairman of the meeting. This may be a pure invention, but it
+is the story as I heard it.
+
+[Illustration: CHAIRMAN NO. 1.]
+
+A story is told of a distinguished irritable Scotch lecturer who on one
+occasion had the misfortune to meet with a loquacious chairman, the
+presiding genius actually speaking for a whole hour in "introducing" the
+lecturer, winding up by saying: "It is unnecessary for me to say more,
+so I call upon the talented gentleman who has come so far to give us his
+address to-night." The lecturer came forward: "You want my address. I'll
+give it to you: 322, Rob Roy Crescent, Edinburgh--and I am just off
+there now. Good-night!"
+
+I cannot vouch for the truth of either of these stories. However, I have
+known chairmen myself who were very nearly as bad. I remember one--I
+think he was a doctor--who rose to introduce me. Instead of two or three
+minutes he took ten or twelve minutes. Of course he said I was very well
+known, and went on with some very flattering remarks about my work, and
+then he added: "Ah, how well I remember--yes, ladies and gentlemen, how
+well I remember years ago those political sketches of the late Doyle
+and others, and when I think that in years to come that Mr. Furniss's
+attempts will be handed down to our children as I may say, recording the
+great events of the time we are passing through. Yes, let us see what
+the value will be to our children to know that Mr. Gladstone
+once--("Order, order," and "Hear, hear")--that, I say, Mr.
+Gladstone--(cries of "Sit down, we have not come to hear you")--that, I
+say, Mr. Gladstone, the grand old man of our time--("Sit down, sit down,
+sit down, we have not come to hear you--sit down")--Yes, and when I say
+that Lord Beaconsfield, whom I have no doubt you will see upon the
+sheet--("Wrap yourself up in yours, go home to bed, go home to bed")."
+Cries of this sort went on; the gentleman struggled on for about a
+quarter of an hour and then sat down. Well, I discovered afterwards that
+he was a very ardent politician, not altogether in tone with the
+audience, who were opposed to him in politics, and that he seized this
+chance of repeating a political speech he had often given to others of a
+different class. As a matter of fact my lecture that night had nothing
+whatever to do with Parliament; it was purely art matter; and this
+gentleman happened to be a great art collector and connoisseur, and in
+returning thanks for me afterwards made a very graceful little speech
+about art matters. If he had only asked me beforehand, of course it
+would have been a very agreeable opening instead of rather an
+unfortunate one. But it is quite as distressing to the lecturer to find
+that a chairman knows too much about his subject as to find one who
+knows nothing. If you happen to have delivered your lecture in another
+hall, and someone present who has heard you is the chairman of an
+evening when you are going to give it again, he will get up and inform
+his audience, with the usual flattery of chairmen, that there is a great
+treat in store for them, that he has had the pleasure of hearing you
+before, and you are going to tell them this, and going to tell them
+that, and in some cases he will even give a mangled version of some of
+the stories--in fact, will take all the plums out of the pudding that
+you have ready to tickle the appetites of your audience with.
+
+Some chairmen impress their audience that they know far more about the
+subject than the lecturer. But worst of all is the chairman who knows
+absolutely nothing about the subject or about yourself. I remember one
+evening some pompous chairman getting up and saying: "I have great
+pleasure this evening in introducing to you Mr. Furniss. I know you have
+all heard of Mr. Furniss, and anyone connected as I am with engineering
+must look upon one of his great achievements with delight. All who have
+been to the great Metropolis and travelled along the Thames
+Embankment--a beautiful way that skirts the Thames--and have considered
+that at one time what was a heap of mud is now one of the handsomest
+thoroughfares in the world, must always consider that the work of the
+gentleman in front of you in being the constructor of that immense work
+deserves the gratitude of his countrymen, and I therefore take this
+occasion, before he rises to address you and enlighten you upon the
+engineering and the large contracting work in the great city in which he
+has the pleasure to live, to assure him as a brother engineer of the
+great work which he has performed for his fellow-countrymen."
+
+On enquiry I discovered that a namesake of mine was the contractor for
+the Thames Embankment, which was built when I was in knickerbockers.
+
+Of recent years I have had few experiences of chairmen, but
+proportionately their mistakes seem to be as of old. In the North of
+England last year I was specially engaged to appear before a literary
+society, and I supposed, by their paying me to go so far, they were,
+with Northern shrewdness, acquainted with the article in which they were
+investing. On these special occasions it is strange that a chairman is
+considered a compliment to the performer, and most certainly it affords
+the entertainer himself amusement. For instance, in this case I
+recollect my chairman--a most accomplished and representative man in the
+neighbourhood--was introduced to me as soon as I arrived at the hall. (I
+may mention it was not my first visit.) He quickly introduced me to the
+audience: "Ladies and gentlemen,--This evening I have the honour of
+introducing to you a gentleman whom we have all heard about, but few of
+us, if any, have seen before. We all know his work in Parliament in the
+pages of _Punch_ for some years past; we all have enjoyed the writings
+of 'Toby, M.P.' This is Mr. H.W. Lucy, of _Punch_, our old friend 'Toby,
+M.P.'" I was giving my "Humours of Parliament," and during the evening
+I, of course as "Toby, M.P.," informed the audience at times that this
+was Harry Furniss's idea of Parliament, but I begged to differ with that
+gentleman, and it was rather a variety for me to play a Parliamentary
+Jekyl and Hyde for one night only.
+
+[Illustration: CHAIRMAN NO. 2.]
+
+If one must have a chairman, why should not the performer be allowed to
+turn a chairman into account, as that popular and versatile barrister,
+the late Sir Frank Lockwood, was in the habit of doing? When he lectured
+at Hackney he "brought down the house" in his description of Sergeant
+Buzfuz in "Pickwick" by giving a laughable imitation of his
+chairman--the late Lord Chief Justice, when Sir Charles
+Russell--cross-examining a witness. For all I know, others may follow
+the example of poor Lockwood. We shall read of the Bishop of Ripon
+giving imitations of the Archbishop of Canterbury; Sir Alexander
+Mackenzie is ready to make the musical world roar by his burlesque of
+Paderewski; and Lord Kitchener, when he returns from the war and gives
+the inevitable lecture, will delight military circles by his imitations
+of his chairman, the Commander-in-Chief.
+
+[Illustration: THE PUMPKIN--A CHESTNUT.]
+
+But I personally have no objection to a chairman if I am announced as a
+_lecturer_ and it is the habit of the particular society to pay the
+lecturer the compliment of formally introducing him. But my appearances
+as a lecturer are few and far between, and when I, as I generally do,
+appeal direct to the public, I am most anxious to avoid giving my
+platform work any appearance of a lecture; yet the Press insist upon any
+entertainment given by men of my class being a lecture. I am a bit of an
+amateur conjurer, and I thoroughly believe were I to appear on the
+platform on a bicycle or on an acrobat's globe, and keep three balls in
+the air with one hand and spin a plate on a stick with the other, and at
+the same time retail some stories, the notice in the Press on the
+following morning would begin: "Mr. Harry Furniss gave an instructive
+_lecture_ last night on subjects with which we are familiar. Some of his
+stories were good, some poor, and some we had heard before." And that is
+the rub! We had heard some stories before! I repeat I honestly have no
+objection to a chairman--the Ideal Chairman, who will inform the
+audience that you are an acrobat, and not a lecturer; but I do object to
+my friends and brother journalists who will tell the public you are a
+lecturer when you are not, keeping many of their readers away, and who
+will also publish your jokes. Of course, all stories are "chestnuts" an
+hour after they are told. When I first went on the platform I retailed
+new stories, but they were invariably served up in the next morning's
+papers, and were therefore known to many of the audience who came to
+hear me on the following evening. In fact, I once overheard a man at
+breakfast in an hotel saying, "No, I don't think much of Furniss; I have
+read that story of his about the pumpkin in the papers." Now this story
+of the pumpkin was an impromptu of mine the evening before, and I was
+naturally puzzled by over-hearing this remark. When the speaker left the
+room I took up the paper he had been reading. It contained an account of
+my effort on the platform the night before, and my impromptu story was
+in it!
+
+Of course, as in everything else, one must not be too original on the
+platform if he is to be served up in every course. If you treat general
+subjects in anything but a general way, and you are humorous and
+occasionally satirical, you will find that national failing, want of
+humour, will tell against you, as well as certain prejudices political
+and social. The selection of lecturers is generally in the hands of a
+committee. You have probably said something that grated upon the Radical
+opinions of one member, or upon the old Tory prejudices of another, or
+told some joke that they failed to see. So long as you keep to microbes,
+and heavenly bodies, and objects of the sea, you are proportionately
+successful with your dulness. But to be professionally humorous and a
+critic is to be eyed with suspicion. Your programme is criticised and
+generally misunderstood. Perhaps I can show no better instance of this
+than what occurred to me in connection with my old friend "Lewis
+Carroll," the author of "Alice in Wonderland."
+
+The Rev. C. L. Dodgson ("Lewis Carroll") in some respects was the
+typical Oxford Don--once a schoolmaster always a schoolmaster. He
+lectured his friends as he had lectured his youths, and treated grown-up
+men of the world as if they were children. In due course I visited
+Oxford to give my entertainments--"Humours of Parliament" first;
+"America in a Hurry" followed a few years afterwards. In the latter I
+gave a wordless imitation of that eccentric American, Talmage, at the
+same time carefully pointing out to my audience that I imitated his
+gestures and voice--not Talmage in the character of a preacher, but as a
+showman; I was therefore surprised to receive the following letter:
+
+     "CHRISTCHURCH, OXFORD.
+
+     "DEAR MR. FURNISS,--Yesterday I went to Russell's shop and bought
+     four 5_s._ tickets for your American entertainment on the 23rd,
+     thinking I would treat three young friends to it, and feeling quite
+     confident that there could be no objectionable feature in any
+     entertainment produced by you. An hour afterwards I chanced to
+     notice in the programme the item 'A Sermon in Spasms,' and, in the
+     quotations from Press notices, a commendation of your 'clever
+     imitations of Dr. Talmage's sermons,' and immediately went and
+     returned the tickets.... It did not seem necessary to speak (to the
+     shopkeeper) of the more serious aspect of such an insult to
+     Christianity, and such profaning of holy things...."
+
+I hastened to assure the rev. gentleman that Talmage was an
+"entertainer," like myself, that I used no words in imitation of him;
+merely his eccentric manner and showman's voice. I also hinted that I
+always had a number of clergymen in my audiences, and those who had
+heard me found nothing whatever objectionable, nor could they detect in
+what I did anything touching upon sacred things. This brought a lengthy
+rejoinder, from which I quote the following interesting passage:
+
+     "The fact that thousands of clergymen have _not_ been deterred by
+     that announcement from going to the entertainment does not surprise
+     me. In this age of ever-increasing irreverence, it is my lot to
+     hear many a profane anecdote told; and the _worst_ offenders in
+     this line are, I am sorry to say, _Clergymen_."
+
+If this was so--and the Rev. C. L. Dodgson could not possibly exaggerate
+any more than "Lewis Carroll" could avoid exaggeration--how much better
+it would have been for him to listen to my wordless and harmless
+imitation of a public entertainer than to sit in the Common Room and
+listen to profane anecdotes from the lips of his fellow ministers of
+religion!
+
+To those about to appear on the platform I would give the same advice as
+Mr. Punch gave to those about to marry--"Don't." "Lectures," "Readings,"
+or whatever they are called, are very little in demand now compared with
+twelve years ago. Many of the literary institutes and lecture societies
+are either dying from inanition or are content with a course of lectures
+of a poor description. This has been brought about by trying to do the
+thing on the cheap, and thereby disgusting the subscribers, who are not
+going to turn out of their cosy, warm houses on a winter's night to hear
+a poor speaker with a dull subject. The subscription lists are therefore
+depleted, and the societies cannot afford to engage experienced
+lecturers and entertainers.
+
+It is a great mistake to imagine one has only to "write something," and,
+provided with a few "slides," a reading-desk, and a glass of water--and
+a chairman, mount a platform and read. Of course, an agent can always
+"boom" a novice--someone who has travelled, or written a book, or gone
+to smash, or become notorious in any way--for a course of "lectures,"
+provided there are sufficient chairmen to be found willing to act as an
+extra draw.
+
+[Illustration: IN "THE HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT." BALLYHOOLEY PATHETIC.]
+
+Anyone nowadays thirsting for notoriety jumps on to the platform as a
+lecturer. He may have been "Perhaps a soldier full of 'cute ways, and
+fearless like his Pa! Stake your dollar sudden and quick to boom.
+Seeking a bauble reputation even at the Commons mouth." Or he may have
+been an aristocratic stowaway in a troop-ship, for instance, and become
+the hero in the pages of our new English-Americanised Press paying for
+and publishing his startling disclosures.
+
+The lecture is the natural sequence of the boom fever--a lecture, say,
+on "Red Tape Rats." A reading-desk, a glass of water, a map, a few
+amateurish snapshot slides exhibited by means of a lantern, _and_ a
+great and popular chairman--then success is assured. But the crowd is
+not present to be interested in rats, nor are the reporters there to
+write about rats, nor is the chairman presiding so as to refer to the
+stowaway's paper on rats. For the chairman has his own Red Tape Rats to
+let loose with which to startle the audience and nobble the Press. The
+next day the report of the lecture is not headed "The Hon. Babbling
+Brook on Rats," but runs "An Admiral of the Fleet on Naval Reform," or
+"A Field Marshal with a Grievance," and a list of the fashionable party
+on the platform is considered of more importance than the lecturer's
+remarks.
+
+[Illustration: HARRY FURNISS AS A PICTORIAL ENTERTAINER.
+
+_Drawn by Clement Flower. Reproduced by permission of the proprietors of
+"The Graphic."_]
+
+In more tranquil times a penny-reading style of entertainment will
+suffice. A bishop or a duke may take the chair, and Charity take the
+proceeds. But the chairman with a name is the thing with which to catch
+the interest of the public.
+
+What I have said about lecturing in England applies equally to America
+and Australia, and I wish it to be distinctly understood that, as I am
+writing these lines for the benefit of those who think of accepting the
+tempting offers to go on the platform, I have no personal feeling in the
+matter whatever. Both in America and in Australia I have had splendid
+audiences; but in consequence of the long distances and expenses
+lecturing does not pay, and the stories one reads about men returning
+with thousands and thousands of pounds in their pockets are absolutely
+false. Do not believe them. They are manufactured statements for booming
+purposes. Dr. Conan Doyle honestly gave his opinion, and the correct
+one, that taking one thing with another you can make just as much money
+in England as you can in America or the Colonies. Of course there are
+exceptions,--I might more truly say accidents. Even a poor speaker, if
+he happens to be a clergyman (and some critics are unkind enough to say
+that these generally go together), and an author who has written a
+successful story, may in America have a great chance of making money,
+for the publishers and booksellers will advertise and push him so as to
+sell his books,--they will go so far as turning their shops into ticket
+offices. Then, too, he will find the _meenisters_, particularly if he is
+a Scotchman, will advertise him in advance from their pulpits, and
+probably in return get the "lecturer" to preach a sermon. Consequently
+he has two publics to work upon which no other lecturer or reader can
+procure,--the religious and the literary. But that is not a genuine test
+of the professional lecturer or reader. All literary men on the platform
+will get a certain number of people who have read their books in a
+celebrity-hunting country. They want to see the author, and once they
+have seen him they are satisfied. Return visits I know of, such as
+these, have been appalling failures. No, a man must give an
+entertainment which is in itself amusing and of such stuff that people
+will go even if any one else had given it--metal attractive to his
+audience, instead of merely being looked upon as a curiosity in the same
+way that one looks upon an orchid in a flower-show or a prize ox at
+Islington. But for the ordinary man, no matter how good he may be, to
+expect to have a triumphal tour, returning with a shipload of American
+dollars, is, believe me, absurd on the face of it. The lecture business
+died out years ago. When that country was younger all the people in the
+provinces attended lectures as part of their daily education, but now
+that class of entertainment is as out-of-date as a German Reed
+entertainment.
+
+I confess that I was overworked at one time. As an illustration of mere
+physical endurance it is perhaps worth recording. In fact, much in these
+pages might well have been published under the title of "Confessions of
+Endurance" in Sandow's magazine or in the _Lancet_, for the edification
+of those professional men who give advice to others not to overwork and
+invariably overwork themselves at the same time. Travelling every day,
+giving "The Humours of Parliament," with my imitations of ranting
+M.P.'s--nearly a two hours' tearing recitation--to large audiences every
+night, was perhaps sufficient for one man. The excitement of the success
+I made, the "booming," interviewing, and unavoidable entertainment at
+every town, the late hours, the early start, the business worries, fresh
+to each place, day after day, week after week, can only be understood by
+those who have gone through it. But this was only part of my work. Each
+week as I travelled I had to keep up my contributions to _Punch_--a
+whole page and several small drawings. I also wrote an article, fully
+illustrated, on every town I went to week by week for _Black and White_
+(subsequently reprinted in book form, "On Tour"), to say nothing of
+drawing in the train.
+
+Let me briefly give a fair average of one day's work at the time:
+
+[Illustration: REDUCTION OF A PAGE DRAWING FOR _PUNCH_ MADE BY ME WHILST
+TRAVELLING BY TRAIN.]
+
+_Morning._--Start 9.30 train, eight hours' journey,--means up at seven,
+breakfast at eight. In train dictate letters to secretary, who takes
+down in shorthand. (I never yet found a secretary who could write in a
+train. I can write quite easily; the secret is to _sit up_, holding pad
+in hand, and let the body move with the oscillation of the train. To
+write on your knee or on a table, or in any other way but this, is
+impossible.) 3.30 arrive at destination; go to hotel and order dinner.
+Then to my "travelling studio"--a large case fitted up with everything
+necessary for drawing in black and white. Straight to private
+sitting-room, order dinner to be ready in half-an-hour, at work at
+once--before the others and the luggage arrive. After light dinner, to
+hall or theatre to see if arrangements are complete. Then visit from
+local manager or secretary--friends--strangers, a walk round the town to
+get "copy," tea, a good hour's drawing (no matter how tired I can work
+on tea), dress, off to evening's work on stage; autographs to be written
+and people to meet; back to change, supper at some club, speeches; back
+3 a.m., bed, sleep--no, only occasionally. Hotel servants turn on
+electric light, begin sweeping the passage--sw--w--w--whish,
+sw--w--w--whish! they chat and laugh just outside one's door; they
+gradually sweep down the long, long passage. Doze--sleep. Bang, bang!
+"Five o'clock, sir." Bang, bang! the Boots awakening commercial men for
+early trains. Thump, thump! baggage packing-room over your head.
+Commercial, or sportsman, or entertainer, or whatever he may be,
+whistles or sings loudly as he dresses. Altercation with Boots
+about trains in passage. Bells, bells! "Hot water, hot water.
+Bath ready, sir." Train leaves at 8.15. I'm up. Something
+attempted--sleep--something not done,--I have earned but not got a
+night's repose. So in the cold, wet, misty morning off again with a
+heart for any amount of work; still achieving, still pursuing, learning
+to labour--and not to wait!
+
+Mr. E.J. Milliken, of _Punch_, frequently wrote to me in 'Arry verse.
+When I was confined to my bed with fever in the summer of 1893, I was
+terribly busy. I had my _Punch_ work, my syndicated "London Letter" (a
+column-and-a-half of a newspaper, with four or five illustrations), and
+much other work to do every week, and I, much against my doctor's and
+nurse's wish, worked all the time. _A propos_ of this I received the
+following:
+
+     "'ARRY TO HARRY.
+
+     "DEAR 'ARRY,
+
+     "'Ow are yer, old 'ermit? I 'opes you're gittin' on prime For a sick
+     man you put in good work, mate, and make the best use o' your time.
+     You're like no one else, that's a moral. When _I'm_ ill I go flabby
+     as suet, But you keep the pot at full bile! 'Ow the doose do yer
+     manage to do it?
+
+     "I'm glad to believe you're a-mendin', though kep' on the strictest
+     Q.T. The confinement must fret you, I'm sure, 'ow I wish I could
+     drop in to see, And give you a regular rouser. But that is a
+     pleasure to come; When we _do_ meet again, we will split a fizz
+     magnum, and make the thing hum.
+
+     "I drop yer these lines just to show yer you ain't gone slap out o'
+     my 'ed, Because I'm cavortin' round pooty permiskus, while you're
+     nailed to bed! 'Taint a prison I'm nuts on, old pal, and I'll swear
+     as it doesn't suit _you,_ So 'ere's wishin' you out of it, 'Arry,
+     and well on Life's war-path, Hurroo!!!
+
+     "I sent over my pasteboard this mornin' to do the perlite _cummy
+     fo,_ But this 'ere is _entry noo_ barney, a bit of a lark like, yer
+     know. I picter you jest rampin' round like a big arktic bear in a
+     cage! Well, keep up yer pecker, my pippin, and keep down yer
+     natural rage. I'm yours to command, when you want me, to gossip or
+     work, fetch or carry;
+
+     "And that Harry may soon be O.K. and a 'arf, is the wish of
+
+                                     "Yours,
+                                         "'ARRY."
+
+
+I should like to confess my real reason for going on to the platform.
+The fact is that for many years I was mistaken in the country,
+particularly in Liverpool, Leeds and Bradford, for an artist who signed
+political caricatures "H. F.," and whose name, strange to say, is Harold
+Furniss. I understand he is about twice my size. So that I thought if I
+showed myself in public, particularly in the provinces, it would be seen
+that I was not this Mr. Harold Furniss. Now, unfortunately, on the stage
+or platform I look tall--in fact, bets have been made that I am over six
+feet high. On three or four occasions after I have left the platform or
+the stage I have had to grant an interview to gentlemen who have made
+bets on this point. The explanation is, however, simple enough: as there
+is no one on the stage or platform but myself, there is nothing to give
+my height, so the particular object of my appearing in public was
+frustrated.
+
+[Illustration: DOWN WITH DRYASDUST.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+MY CONFESSIONS AS A "REFORMER."
+
+     Portraiture Past and Present--The National Portrait Gallery
+     Scandal--Fashionable Portraiture--The Price of an
+     Autograph--Marquis Tseng--"So That's My Father!"--Sala Attacks
+     Me--My Retort--Du Maurier's Little Joke--My Speech--What I Said and
+     What I Did Not Say--Fury of Sala--The Great Six-Toe Trial--Lockwood
+     Serious--My Little Joke--Nottingham Again--Prince of
+     Journalists--Royal Academy Antics--An Earnest Confession--My
+     Object--My Lady Oil--Congratulations--Confirmations--The Tate
+     Gallery--The Proposed Banquet--The P.R.A. and Modern Art--My
+     Confessions in the Central Criminal Court--Cricket in the
+     Park--Reform!--All About that Snake--The Discovery--The
+     Capture--Safe--The Press--Mystery--Evasive--Experts--I
+     Retaliate--The _Westminster Gazette_--The Schoolboy--The
+     Scare--Sensation--Death--Matters Zoological--Modern
+     Inconveniences--Do Women Fail in Art?--Wanted a Wife.
+
+
+[Illustration: _From a Photo by Debenham & Gould._]
+
+My attack upon the National Portrait Gallery was in the form of a
+lecture entitled "Portraiture Past and Present." I found the subject so
+large, so complicated, I may say so octopus-like, embracing such varied
+periods and phases, and throwing forth its arms or ramifications in so
+many directions, that I soon discovered I was struggling with a monster
+subject, with which it was impossible to grapple completely in the
+limited time allowed for the performance. Still I managed in a light way
+to review the history of portraiture from Dibutades to Millais, and
+from its display in the Temples to its discouragement at the National
+Portrait Gallery, taking as my text Carlyle's dictum that "Human
+Portraits faithfully drawn are of all pictures the welcomest on Human
+Walls," a sentiment that appeals to all, for there is no doubt human
+beings interest us more than anything else. The Pyramids of Egypt awe,
+but our interest is in those who raised them; Ancient Rome enchants in
+exact proportion to our interest in the Ancient Romans; the Forum is but
+a frame which the imagination instinctively fills with the forms of the
+mighty men who moved there; the Amphitheatre would have little interest
+but for those who made its dust; and when we wander through our
+Parliament at Westminster it is not so much the place that interests us
+as the senators associated with its name. I confess that when I travel
+on the Continent I cut cathedrals and study the people, in the
+boulevards, in the streets, in the market-place. When I have spare time
+in London I do the same, and at one time made a point of spending a day
+now and then wandering about the East End of London for the purpose of
+studying character; and it was while so occupied that I happened to
+stray into our National Portrait Gallery. I was astonished and disgusted
+at such a collection having such a name, and there and then decided that
+I would make this the subject of my lecture, and the following is
+briefly my indictment as I then laid it before the Grand Jury, composed
+of the Press and the Public:
+
+"Of all places, a Portrait Gallery should appeal to you most, and the
+National Portrait Gallery is the place in which to spend a happy day.
+
+"That is, if you are not critical. If you are, then get thee to a
+library and bury thyself in books of biography, for portrait painters
+were deceivers ever, historical portrait painters in particular.
+
+"The National Portrait Gallery was founded about thirty years ago, and
+the founder, Lord Stanhope, had the audacity to ask for a yearly grant
+of L500 for the purpose of supplying the nation with a representative
+collection of national portraits. The first purchase made by the
+trustees was a portrait of Sir Walter Raleigh (rather suggestive of the
+undertaking ending in smoke). However, it has struggled on, such as it
+is.
+
+"Truly it is in no sense a National Portrait Gallery, and although the
+richest and most civilised nation in the world now generally grants
+L1,000 a year to supply itself with representative portraits of its
+great men and women, being I may say about the price of one portrait by
+a successful painter, the portraits of our great lights do not swell the
+number of the collection.
+
+"It has been difficult, no doubt, even with this immense amount of cash,
+to get portraits of those of the past. They have been locked up in the
+stately homes of England.
+
+"Of late years Charles Surface, Earl of Spendthrift, knocks his
+ancestors down to the highest chance bidder, but the National Portrait
+Gallery knows them not.
+
+"The reason of this is not far to seek.
+
+"Taking up at random an annual report of the trustees, I read: 'The
+salaries of officials amount to L1,176, other expenses L591, the police
+L635, total L2,402.' And now we come to the interesting item: 'The money
+spent on the purchase of portraits L255'! But the particular section of
+the report dealing with this item says seven works have been purchased
+for L143 18_s._--that is, L20 11_s._ 1_d._ each.
+
+"Small wonder then that many works in the National Portrait Gallery of
+England--England where portraiture flourishes--are unworthy of the
+attendance of even L35 worth of policemen. Can we wonder when L635 is
+paid to the police to gaze at L143 18_s._ worth of portraits, the
+purchase of the year?" and so on.
+
+The result of this "ridiculing the State," as the _Times_, in its
+leader, expressed it, for the penurious pittance it doles out of the
+revenues of the richest country in the world towards the maintenance of
+a National Portrait Gallery, was that I was the cause of arousing the
+Press of Great Britain to the miserable condition of the National
+Portrait Gallery, which ended in our having one in its place more worthy
+of the country.
+
+Besides drawing public attention to the National Portrait Gallery, in
+the same lecture I put in a word for the struggling unknown portrait
+painters. Speaking of payment reminded me of the story told of
+Bularchus, a successful painter 716 B.C. Candaules, King of Lydia, paid
+him with as much gold as would cover the surface of the work. I told my
+audience that I doubted whether, if that system existed now, the
+portrait painters would leave any room at all on the Academy walls for
+subject pictures.
+
+Would Meissonier or Alma Tadema, say, paint your portrait for three
+napoleons, and would you pay Slapdash, R.A., fifteen thousand for a
+larger one? I then made the assertion, "It is not too much to say that a
+fashionable portrait painter often receives L900 for his name, and L100
+for the value of the picture to the sitter as a portrait. It is the
+artist's autograph with a dash of something attached." I asked, "Why
+should snobbery tempt those away from an honest, well-painted portrait
+by a less-known man, to accept a failure with a Society signature?" a
+query that was replied to by my receiving any number of letters from all
+over the country asking me to recommend artists; in fact, at the time I
+might have started an agency for portrait painters. One of the artists I
+suggested had already had a very striking portrait of the Chinese
+Ambassador, Marquis Tseng, hung in the Academy, and over that painting
+he had had a trying experience. His sitter, like Queen Elizabeth,
+objected to shadows, not like the conceited Queen through vanity, but,
+being an Oriental, he really did not understand what the shadows were,
+and rushed to the glass to see if his face was dirty. He was a high
+official in his own country, and naturally anxious not to be mistaken
+for the Dirty Boy. Again he got into a frightful state at the glazy
+appearance of his skin--it was an oil painting.
+
+"Only opium-eaters have shiny skins, and I am free from that vice. This
+is a libel, sir, and will disgrace me at home."
+
+Then he had no idea of perspective, but a great idea of his own rank,
+and commanded my bewildered brother-artist to paint the red button on
+the top of his hat, the feather down the back, the orders in front, and
+was disappointed that his different coats and sashes, three and four
+deep, could not all be shown at once.
+
+Another illustration of the difficulties of portrait painters I gave in
+the same lecture has since been so frequently repeated in the Press that
+I fear it will be stale to most of my readers--the story of the man who
+called upon the portrait painter and asked him to paint his father.
+
+"But where is your father?"
+
+"Oh, he died ten years ago."
+
+"Then how can I paint him?" asked the artist.
+
+"Why, I've just seen your picture of Moses, and surely if you can paint
+the portrait of a man who died thousands of years ago, you can more
+easily paint my father, who has only been dead ten years!"
+
+Seeing the sort of man with whom he had to deal, the young artist agreed
+to paint the defunct gentleman, and the picture in due time was sent
+home. It was carefully hung on the drawing-room wall, and the
+newly-blossomed art patron was called in to see it. He gazed at it for
+some time in silence, his eyes filled with tears, and then, slowly
+nodding his head, he said softly and reverently, "So that is my father!
+Ah, how he is changed!"
+
+But out of this lecture comes another story--the story of "The Great Six
+Toes Trial." I must start at the beginning of its strange, eventful
+history, the same way as, in my lecture, I began with the origin of
+portraiture.
+
+Now the late George Augustus Sala, in his leader in the _Daily
+Telegraph_ on this lecture, accused me of not giving the origin of
+portraiture. "Mr. Harry Furniss was bold enough to maintain that,
+although Greek art remained the model art of the world, portraiture had
+very little to do with it. Mr. Furniss should not tell this story to the
+prehistoric toad, for that reptile's presumably long memory might enable
+it to remind the graphic artist that thousands of years ago the art of
+portraiture was invented by a sentimental young Greek girl, the daughter
+of a potter of Corinth, Dibutades." In the same article he sneered at
+"a whimsical caricaturist lecturing his contemporaries," and in his
+references to me was about as offensive as he could be.
+
+[Illustration: G. A. SALA.]
+
+The second stage was my letter to the Editor of the _Daily Telegraph_.
+That paper not printing it, I sent it, with a note, to the Editor of the
+_Pall Mall Gazette_, who gave both letters a prominent position:
+
+     "SIR,--Can you find space for the publication of the following
+     letter which I addressed to the _Daily Telegraph_ in answer to
+     their leader in last Friday's issue, as the insignificant
+     paragraph, 'Greek Portraits,' which alone the _Daily Telegraph_
+     inserted, in no way states the facts of the case?"
+
+     "SIR,--The writer of the leader in your issue of last Friday is
+     guilty of the very fault of which he accuses me. He charges me with
+     not acquainting myself with the subject I treated of in my lecture;
+     he has manifestly not troubled to acquaint himself with that
+     lecture. The ignorance--at any rate, the omissions--that he lays to
+     my door do not exist. Did he expect me in the course of a short
+     hour's lecture to a general audience--which was certainly not
+     prepared for any history or technicalities--to bring forward in my
+     opening sentences the whole story of the rise and development of
+     Greek portraiture? The principal omission of which he complains is
+     the legend of the daughter of Dibutades--calling it an omission
+     because, forsooth, he did not read it in the _Times_ report! But,
+     in point of fact, not only did I give the story at length, but I
+     reproduced on the screen Mortimer's well-known picture of the
+     incident. Surely it is not too much to ask, even for a caricaturist
+     to ask--for such he somewhat scornfully terms me--that when so
+     powerful a personality as a leader writer levels his pen against an
+     individual, however humble, he should not depend upon the report of
+     another newspaper, the exigencies of whose space naturally prevent,
+     it may be assumed, the devotion of more than a column verbatim
+     report to any utterances of a 'mere caricaturist.' But, frankly,
+     does the nature of my own occupation in the arts preclude me from
+     pronouncing a correct judgment on portraits and portraiture? For
+     that, after all, is the burden of your article. Is not an opinion,
+     if correct, as good coming from a bootblack as from a Royal
+     Academician? If so, I submit that mine, if worthy of discussion at
+     all, might at least be ascertained and be considered with respect.
+     If not, then I bring the lecture of Professor Herkomer, A.R.A.,
+     published on the very same day as your article, to witness that my
+     judgment was a fair one. By a curious coincidence, he lectured at
+     Leeds on the self-same subject within twenty-four hours of the
+     delivery of my own little lecture; he travelled over much the same
+     ground; brought forward in some instances the very same examples as
+     I, and deduced very much the same conclusions."
+
+I happened to call in at the Garrick Club on my way to the _Punch_
+dinner, and there found a copy of the _Daily Telegraph_ containing the
+leader, on the margin of which was written with the familiar purple ink,
+in Lewis Wingfield's handwriting, "G.A.S. on Hy. F." Wingfield was
+Sala's neighbour and friend, so this settled any doubt I had about the
+authorship of the article I have just referred to. When I showed it to
+du Maurier, who sat next to me at dinner, he said, "I say, old chap,
+I'll tell you a capital story about Sala which you might use. When he
+was an art student, he tried to get into the Art Schools of the Royal
+Academy, and for that purpose had to draw the usual head, hand, and
+foot. When the Examiners counted the toes on the foot Sala had drawn,
+they found six, so Sala didn't get in, don't you know!" Now, as other
+journalists had quoted Sala against me, and a Nottingham paper attacked
+me in a long and rather vulgar and offensive leader, I, finding myself
+shortly afterwards the guest of the Literary Club in Nottingham, seized
+the opportunity to reply. I regretted--though I supposed it was
+flattering to me--to find that quite recently, although I had been
+treated for many years with the greatest kindness in the Press, I had
+been rather attacked. "I was proud," I said, "to find that the first
+person to attack me in the Press was the greatest journalist the Press
+possessed--Mr. George Augustus Sala." What I really said after this I
+print side by side with what I was reported to have said:
+
+   "WHAT I SAID.
+
+   "I have not the pleasure of Mr. Sala's personal acquaintance, but no one
+   has a greater admiration than I have for that great man in literature.
+   Mr. Sala began life as an artist; not only so, but he began in that walk
+   of art which I pursue, like another great man of the pen had done before
+   him, for, of course, you all know the story of Thackeray going to
+   Dickens and offering to illustrate his books. Dickens declined
+   Thackeray's offer, and it is generally believed that that refusal so
+   annoyed Thackeray that he became a writer and a rival to Dickens. It was
+   a very good thing for him and for literature that Dickens gave him the
+   refusal he did. Now, Mr. Sala, as I said, also began life as an artist,
+   and I am informed that when an applicant for the Royal Academy he had to
+   send in for examination the usual chalk drawings of a head, a hand, and
+   a foot. The Examiners, however, discovered that Sala had drawn six toes
+   on the foot. He was rejected, and no doubt this caused him, like
+   Thackeray, to forsake the pencil for the pen, and he is now Art Critic
+   of the _Daily Telegraph_.
+
+   "In 1851 Mr. Sala painted the pictures upon the walls of an eating
+   saloon, and that probably had given him the taste for cooking which he
+   had evinced ever since."
+
+   "HOW I WAS REPORTED.
+
+   "He (Mr. Furniss) had not the pleasure of Mr. Sala's personal
+   acquaintance, but no one had a greater admiration for him than he had as
+   being a great man in literature. Mr. Sala began life as an artist, and
+   not only so, but he began in that walk of life which he (Mr. Furniss)
+   pursued. He went to Dickens, and wanted to illustrate his books, but
+   Dickens would not have the sketches; afterwards Mr. Sala went into
+   literature, and it was a very good thing for him and for literature that
+   Dickens gave him the refusal that he did. (Hear, hear.)
+
+   "Mr. Sala began not only as an artist, but as a caricaturist, and he had
+   to send into the Academy Schools three 'short drawings,' as they were
+   called, of a head, a hand, and a foot. Unfortunately for Mr. Sala, he
+   had six toes upon the foot he drew, and the Examiner, having counted
+   these toes, pointed the matter out to Mr. Sala, who did not get into the
+   Academy Schools, so now he was the Art Critic of the _Daily Telegraph_.
+   In 1851, Mr. Sala painted the pictures upon the walls of an eating
+   saloon, and that probably had given him the taste for cooking which he
+   had evinced ever since."
+
+The reporter had evidently trusted to his memory, and not to shorthand
+notes--thus the blunder. I pointed it out, and at once corrected it in a
+letter printed in the same paper a day or so afterwards. My object in
+all sincerity was to have a joke--du Maurier's joke--at Sala's expense,
+but in leading up to it my very complimentary and perfectly accurate
+parallel illustration of Thackeray was unfortunately, by the reporter's
+carelessness, attributed to Sala!
+
+This correction was entirely lost sight of by the Press, and I was
+accused by papers all over the country of having falsely accused him of
+offering to illustrate Dickens. Papers printed apologies to Sala, and in
+some cases paid Sala's solicitor money to avoid actions-at-law. I then
+heard that he was going for me. I found a letter from Burnand to that
+effect the evening I returned from a lecturing tour. Strange to say,
+that night Sala and I were both guests of a Medical Society's dinner at
+the Holborn Restaurant. Both had to make speeches. I spoke before Sala,
+and referred to a misquotation from a speech I had made in the country,
+and purposely then and there made the _amende honorable_, of which he at
+least understood the meaning. He ignored this altogether, and I now
+merely mention the incident to show that he was vindictive from the very
+first. He would not listen to reason. Sir George Lewis, Mr. Labouchere,
+Mr. Burnand, and other mutual friends failed: Sala remained obdurate. It
+was freely reported after the verdict was given that the plaintiff
+never had any desire to make money out of me, and had specially
+instructed his counsel not to ask for damages! As a matter of fact, when
+our mutual friends implored Sala not to proceed with such a trivial and
+ridiculous action, he admitted that he wanted money, and in conversation
+with Sir George Lewis--who all through acted as my good friend, and
+Sala's too, doing all in his power (which is great) to induce Sala to
+accept my necessary _amende_,--Sala declined. He had already pocketed
+several amounts from papers publishing the Nottingham paper's fanciful
+report, and said to Sir George: "When Friswell libelled me, I got L500
+damages; and why should I not be equally successful against Furniss?"
+"Yes," said the astute Sir George, "but you must remember that I got you
+that L500, and now I am on the other side."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+What I really said, and what I was reported to have said, here I plainly
+show are two very different things. Still, in the words "and now he is
+Art Critic of the _Daily Telegraph_" there was a germ of libel--slander
+one must call it, as the words were spoken--so I was advised to
+withdraw. Sala, however, made this an impossibility, and the silly
+action, fanned into "almost European importance," to quote Lockwood, was
+to be. To make matters worse, just before the
+
+GREAT SIX TOES TRIAL
+
+I received a note from du Maurier:
+
+     "I am awfully sorry, old chap, but the capital story I told you of
+     Sala and the six toes was about another fellow after all!"
+
+Although a letter from me was published immediately correcting this
+ridiculous blunder on the part of the reporters, pointing out that what
+I did say was that Mr. Sala was not the only literary man who began life
+as an artist; and that I had quoted casually as an instance that
+_Thackeray_ in early life went to Dickens, my correction--though well
+known to Sala--was, to my surprise, ignored, and the words _I had never
+used_ were made the point of the whole action!
+
+[Illustration: COUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFF.]
+
+Mr. Kemp, counsel for Sala, rolled them out with unctuousness then
+paused for the Judge to write them down. Mr. Sala, in the witness-box,
+in melodramatic style denied that he had ever taken sketches to Dickens,
+and the jury noted that fact. Yet I had never said he did! and
+furthermore Sala knew I had referred to Thackeray and not to him. Still,
+for some reason I could never understand, Lockwood allowed this to pass,
+and cross-examined Sala, admitting that he had heard the story of
+Thackeray and Dickens--as to my right as a critic--but never denied that
+these words attributed to me were absolutely a false report! The next
+point Sala made was that an "offensive caricature" (reproduced by
+permission on this page) was by me! It was Mr. F. C. Gould's. Sala knew
+this; so did Lockwood, but he did not deny it: in fact, when the jury
+considered their verdict, the two points they were clear upon were (1)
+that I said Sala had offered work to Dickens, and had been refused; (2)
+that I was the author of the clever (but in Sala's opinion most
+offensive) caricature of himself and me.
+
+[Illustration: MR. F. C. GOULD'S SKETCH IN THE _WESTMINSTER_, WHICH SALA
+MAINTAINED WAS MINE.]
+
+I prompted Lockwood in Court, but he told me that he would not bother
+about facts, or call me, or deny anything--he took the line that the
+whole thing was too absurd for serious consideration, and that he would
+"laugh it out of Court."
+
+One report says that "Mr. Lockwood handled Mr. Sala very gently in
+cross-examination, and got from him an explosive declaration that Mr.
+Furniss's statements represented him as an ignorant and impudent
+pretender. 'Don't be angry with me, Mr. Sala.'"
+
+But the Judge was angry with dear, good, kind Frank Lockwood, and
+scotched his humour, and refused to allow him to "laugh it out of
+Court." It annoyed him, and he summed up dead against me. Lockwood could
+only squeeze one joke out of the whole thing.
+
+Sala in cross-examination said to Lockwood in a bombastic, inflated,
+Adelphi-drama style:
+
+"That was not my greatest artistic work. Perhaps my greatest was an
+engraving of the funeral of the Duke of Wellington. It was from my
+original drawings. I engraved it on a steel plate, and it contained many
+thousand figures."
+
+Lockwood: "All, I suppose, had the proper number of toes?" (Laughter.)
+
+"They had boots on." (Continued laughter.)
+
+Sala got five pounds for the Judge's want of humour, not for mine.
+
+Having no chance of making my little joke in Court, I took my revenge by
+accepting a commission to report and illustrate my own trial for the
+_Daily Graphic_, and the following--the only authentic account of the
+Great Six Toes Trial--appeared the following morning:
+
+"It was unfortunate that the Royal Academicians were all busy varnishing
+their pictures for the forthcoming exhibition at Burlington House when
+the Great Sala-Furniss Libel Case was heard on Friday last, and that in
+their absence you have had to apply to me (the defendant) for sketches
+of the scene in Court. What a chance Mr. Calderon has missed for a
+companion picture to the one he is painting of another great legal
+battle--the Parnell Commission! A picture in next year's Royal Academy
+of the trial between two art critics is surely worthy to be handed down
+to posterity, say, in the Council Room of the Royal Academy.
+
+"That the subject is not a picturesque one, I admit, but I can offer the
+painter an historical incident connected with it that should recommend
+itself. We all know that Sir Francis Drake playing at bowls when the
+Spanish Armada was sighted is a favourite theme with artists. In this
+case, although there is nothing Spanish about it, there is a parallel
+incident. I was, like Drake, by the sad sea waves, not playing at bowls,
+but sketching a common, or garden, donkey, when a telegram arrived from
+London to say that the great trial was in sight, and my presence was
+demanded at the Royal Courts of Justice (Court 3) at eleven o'clock the
+following morning. Let it be recorded that my nerve was equal to the
+great Admiral's--I finished the drawing of that donkey.
+
+[Illustration: DEFENDANT.]
+
+"The morning was a gloomy one, and no doubt the weather had something to
+do with the solemn tone of the proceedings. A collection of briefless
+barristers, irritated jurymen, and wet umbrellas in dark corridors is
+not enlivening; and when you arrive, to find the Court crowded, and you
+happen to be, like me, considerably under the medium height, and rather
+broad in proportion, it is difficult to come up at all, much less
+smiling, to the feet of justice. Here is a subject for a _Punch_ puzzle.
+The defendant--how is he to get into Court? It is a mystery to me how I
+managed to squeeze myself through. I stuck to my hat, and my hat pulled
+me through (alas, a new one!). The hat was more rubbed the wrong way by
+the trial than was its wearer; but it is an item in the expense of legal
+warfare that ought not to be forgotten by the taxing master. However, I
+found myself sitting next my consulter and friend, the 'sage of Ely
+Place,' in good time. Although a case is down to be tried in a
+particular Court, it may be transferred to another Court at a moment's
+notice. This is bewildering to the parties interested and, from what I
+saw, irritating to the legal fraternity. Tomkins _v._ Snooks is down for
+trial, Court 2. The legal call-boys bustle in the counsel and others
+engaged. Mr. Buzfuz, Q.C., pushes his way into Court, surrounds himself
+with briefs and other documents, when some mysterious harlequin of the
+Law Courts changes Tomkins _v._ Snooks to Court 4, and calls upon Brown
+_v._ Jones, who are packed away in Court 3, waiting their turn. Buzfuz
+gets very angry, and bustles off to Court 4. In fact, getting your case
+into Court reminded me forcibly of that amusing toy, so popular then,
+called 'Pigs in Clover'--wigs in clover, I was nearly writing. I
+apologise at once for the mere thought. We were transferred from one
+Court to another, and our friends sat out a case in the Court advertised
+to try ours, wondering what on earth 'The Prince of Journalists' and I
+had to do with 'chops and tomato sauce.' What followed has been pretty
+fully reported, so I need not dwell upon it. Indeed, I could not live in
+the frightful atmosphere of those Courts, and would gladly pay twice
+five pounds to be allowed to sit on the roof if ever I find myself a
+defendant again.
+
+[Illustration: MY HAT.]
+
+[Illustration: THE PLAINTIFF.]
+
+[Illustration: THE EDITOR OF _PUNCH_ SUPPORTS ME.]
+
+"According to the reports, 'the plaintiff was supported by his wife, and
+the defendant by the editor of _Punch_.' The solemn occasion demanded a
+certain amount of gravity, which was particularly difficult for me to
+retain, as my 'supporter,' although fully alive to the tremendous
+bearings of the case and the importance of the issues, failed to hide in
+his expression those 'happy thoughts' that flow ceaselessly through his
+fertile brain. The outward effect was a see-saw antic with his imposing
+eyebrows--a proof to me that his sense of the ridiculous had got the
+better of his gravity. 'Put on your gloves at once,' he whispered
+impressively to me. 'Why?' I asked. 'Because you may then leave the
+court with clean hands!' (The 'putting on the gloves' must not be taken
+in a double sense.) But this is a digression. You merely ask for
+sketches in Court. Well, I send you my recollection of Mr. Kemp, Q.C.,
+trying to be very angry with me; of my 'brother caricaturist' (_vide_
+reports), Mr. Lockwood, struggling to be very angry with Mr. Kemp, and
+pointing to the defendant, 'That miscreant! (note the effect upon me),
+and the Judge very serious with everybody. As an antidote, I was
+spoiling a beautiful sheet of white blotting-paper by drawing
+recollections of the donkey I was studying in the country when I was
+summoned to town to take my trial. I am anxious to make this public, as
+I now remember that I left that sheet of sketches in the court; and who
+can tell? Some one may yet 'invest those sketches with an almost
+European importance,' and the number of five pounds I shall be called
+upon to dole out all round will be something appalling.
+
+[Illustration: SIR F. LOCKWOOD AND MYSELF.]
+
+"_A propos_ of this truly great trial, the _Observer_ remarked, in its
+leader upon it, that 'future treatises on the law of libel will, if
+properly and picturesquely indexed, be enriched with this entry, "Art
+critic, statement held to be a libel upon, see Toes." Indeed, the antics
+of the law of libel ought to be written, edited, let me suggest, by Mr.
+George Lewis, and illustrated by the genius of Mr. Frank Lockwood. I
+will supply a footnote."
+
+Over this _jeu d'esprit_ on my part Sala waxed very wroth, for besides
+having to pay L80 costs of his own, he brought upon himself columns of
+chaff, of which the following is a fair specimen. "The Prince of
+Journalists," wrote a wag of journalists, "is lamenting that he has
+jumped out of the Furniss into the fire, for of a surety five pounds
+will hardly repay Mr. Sala for the roasting he will receive from his
+good-natured friends." Skits showing six toes were plentiful, jokes in
+burlesque and on the music-hall stage were introduced as a matter of
+course, and private chaff in letters was kept up for some time. One
+private letter I wrote du Maurier, "Sala has no sole for humour--you
+have made me put my foot in it," and added the Six Toes signature
+sketch. In this no doubt du Maurier found inspiration for Trilby.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: THE SEQUEL: I DISTRIBUTE THE PRIZES AT NOTTINGHAM.]
+
+In the witness-box Mr. Sala took up a curious position with regard to
+that filched and fatal joke. He said that I told that joke because he
+had been invited to distribute the prizes at the Art School at
+Nottingham shortly before, and that I had run down and, like the
+miscreant who sowed tares in his neighbour's wheat, deliberately made
+him look ridiculous. As a matter of fact, I neither knew that Sala had
+distributed the prizes, nor that he had ever put in an appearance at
+Nottingham. Sala in his evidence said, "I have always been well received
+there (Nottingham). The people have always been very kind to me, and
+they expressed surprise at the libel." Nottingham people reading this,
+assured me it was the very reverse of the facts, that Sala was socially
+anything but friendly and most objectionable in his behaviour when
+there; and they invited me to distribute the prizes the following year,
+which I did--the last stage of all of this strange, eventful joke,
+which ended, as it began, in good-natured laughter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The one confession I desire in all seriousness should reach the ears of
+my fellow artists is that my object in attacking the Royal Academy
+("Royal Academy Antics," 1890), was a thoroughly unselfish one. "It was
+published for the sake of those who, for one reason or another, are not
+within the inner circle. I was prompted to call the discriminating
+attention of the public to the evil the Academy works and permits to
+exist," by appeals from artists outside--heartbroken men and women
+smarting under unfair treatment; I received letters recording cases of
+gross injustice, followed by ruin and poverty--which made my blood boil.
+The shortcomings of the Academicians had been the subject of criticism
+for many years, yet no improvement resulted. As the _Times_ pathetically
+observed: "At least it should not be taken for granted that improvement
+is impossible till improvement has been attempted. This much has been
+forced upon us by the painful knowledge of the many bitter, often
+heartbreaking, disappointments which cloud the opening of the Royal
+Academy Exhibition, when London looks bright and blooming, and everyone
+and everything around seems so full of life, and so eager and capable of
+enjoyment. It is impossible for those whose office carries them behind
+the scenes, in the midst of the festive and fashionable crowd which
+throngs the stately rooms of the Academy, not to think of the poor
+lodging and the shabby studio, and the easel, the rejected picture, the
+subject of so much labour, the spring of so many hopes, which was
+expected to win bread, if not fame, for the painter." Perfectly true,
+but oh, how pathetic! to those, like myself, "whose office carries them
+behind the scenes." It is pleasant to keep friendly with those Royal
+Academicians and their friends and worshippers--that "festive and
+fashionable crowd"--and to be on good terms with the givers of banquets
+and the pets of Society; but I care little for such, for I am neither a
+logrolling journalist nor a Society-seeking artist, and at the risk of
+having my independence mistaken for egotism, I have always expressed my
+opinions openly and freely, quite regardless of, and not caring one jot
+for, those whose friendship I lost in consequence--no, not even as in
+this case, where the very artists who confessed to me, and who appealed
+to me to attack the Academy, subsequently avoided me, as "it wouldn't
+do, don't you know, to be seen with Furniss, as I am in the running for
+the Academy." This was my dedication.
+
+[Illustration: THE SEE-SAW ANTIC.]
+
+The one object in view was to disabuse the public mind of the erroneous
+impression that the Royal Academy is an unprejudiced official public
+body, that they elect only the best artists, and reject only the
+unworthy--in fact, that R.A. should be considered a hall-mark on work,
+as too many believe it to be, to the detriment of the majority of
+artists. "Most of those artists who write and talk of art may be
+considered prejudiced--no one can well say that you are. What is the
+Royal Academy to you?" was said to me. I was even encouraged by some of
+the Academicians themselves, who had from time to time fruitlessly
+attempted to introduce reforms; but notwithstanding the efforts of the
+right-minded members of their body, the majority adopt the Fabian policy
+of sitting down and doing nothing, or bury their heads, ostrich-like,
+till the storm of indignation raised by their unworthy selfishness and
+indolence has blown over.
+
+I went thoroughly into the subject. I read Blue-books, criticisms,
+sober, solid reviews, Royal Academicians' confessions and defence. I
+read everything connected with the history of the Royal Academy from
+beginning to end. Then I appeared on the platform and gave lectures on
+Art and Artists and the Royal Academy, which drew forth leading articles
+from the _Times_ and nearly every paper in the land.
+
+In my researches I found that the Royal Academy has been a narrow-minded
+clique from its very initiation. It was procured by the trickery of an
+American (its first President), West, from that "dull lad brought up by
+narrow-minded people," George the Third, described by Thackeray: "Like
+all dull men, the King was all his life suspicious of superior people.
+He did not like ... Reynolds.... He loved mediocrities--Benjamin West
+was his favourite painter."
+
+  "A royal patron on the sly secured,
+  Which from the first its cheek to shame inured."[A]
+
+[Footnote A: Soden's "Rap at the R.A."]
+
+It was a contemptible pandering to unblushing and self-interested
+sycophancy, involving practically the ruin of all that the best spirits
+in the art world had laboured for since the commencement of the century.
+A society of unmitigated selfishness was thus started, and still
+continues. When everything else around has been reformed, as the country
+has advanced and increased, the Royal Academy remains exactly as it was
+when so hurriedly formed one hundred and thirty years ago.
+
+To all this I received endless confirmation, but, alas! the writers did
+not give me permission to publish their names. I have on my desk before
+me as I write this page a letter from the editor of our most artistic
+illustrated weekly: "Allow me to congratulate you; keep pegging away.
+The Royal Academy of Arts (plural) is nonsense; it is, as you say, a
+Royal Academy of oil. If the R.A. had done their duty years ago, we
+would not see such farcical statues in the streets, nor should I (as at
+present moment employed) be writing to Berlin and Vienna for assistance
+in matters where skill and taste are required by art workmen." The
+President of a certain Royal Academy wrote: "I have just read your
+'Royal Academy Antics,' and I must confess that, as far as I can judge,
+many of its strictures are deserved; ... but I can venture to say that
+many of the antiquated mistakes made by the parent Academy have been
+carefully avoided by our governing body."
+
+[Illustration: THE FIRST P.R.A.]
+
+From all sorts and conditions of artists and art employers I received
+congratulations. Those from the poor struggling outsiders alone repaid
+me for the trouble I had taken. At that time, only eleven years ago, the
+Royal Academy and other picture shows were in a very different position
+from what they are now. Art is no longer a fashion; proportionately the
+Royal Academy is going down. The glory of Lord Leighton, one of the
+brightest of Society's stars, attracted hosts of fashionable people to
+the gatherings of the Academy, and Sir John Millais, too, was much run
+after by the fashionable crowd. Now that these are gone, the Academy has
+lost all interest in smart Society. "Academy Antics up to Date" would
+not have any sale, "An Artistic Joke" in Bond Street would not have any
+visitors. I fought for the weak when they were crushed by the strong.
+Now that "My Lady Oil" is feeble and powerless, I desist.
+
+"The Royal Academy has been the subject of many bitter attacks," wrote
+the editor of the _Magazine of Art_, "during the last hundred
+years--attacks which, directed against unjust or antiquated rules, have
+usually been well founded. But never, perhaps, has so effective a charge
+been made as that which Mr. Furniss brings in his entertaining volume;
+and if it be true that ridicule will pierce there whence the shafts of
+indignation will rebound, no little good may be looked for from the
+publication."
+
+[Illustration: NO WATER-COLOUR OR BLACK-AND-WHITE NEED APPLY.]
+
+Precisely so. Others, serious and influential, had exposed the R.A.; I
+tried what ridicule would do. But the public did not take me seriously,
+and the Press took me too seriously; and as the public does not buy
+books on art, but is content with a _rechauffe_, my object to a certain
+extent was defeated.
+
+My Lady Oil of Burlington House is a very selfish creature; she
+persistently refuses to recognise her twin-sister Water Colour, giving
+her but one miserable room in her mansion, and no share whatever in her
+honours. My Lady Oil is selfish; My Lady Oil is unjust to favour
+engravers and architects, and to ignore painters in water-colours and
+artists in black-and-white. She showers honours on her adopted sisters,
+Engraving and Architecture, because the former mechanically reproduces
+her work, and the latter builds her pretty toy-houses for her children
+to live in.
+
+This is really altogether absurd when you reflect that it is in
+water-colour that English art excels, and that the copyist, the
+engraver's occupation will soon be gone, beaten away by slightly more
+mechanical, but more effective, modes of reproduction.
+
+Sooner or later John Bull will open his inartistic eyes, and see that
+mediocrity in oil is not equal to excellence in water, and that those
+who originate with the pencil are far before copyists with the graver
+and drawers of plans.
+
+I then advocated a National Academy, a Commonwealth of Art, presided
+over by a State Minister of Fine Art, in which mediocrity will find no
+space till a welcome and a place have been given to all earnest work,
+regardless of its nature.
+
+Where the number of works of any one man will be limited, and where
+there will be no such mockery of good work as "rejection for want of
+space."
+
+Where all the fine arts, and especially the national fine art
+(water-colour paintings), shall be recognised as arts, and the best of
+the professors of them shall at least be eligible for election.
+
+Where the committee of selection and hanging shall be--as in the
+Salon--elected by the body of exhibitors.
+
+Where reasonable time shall be given to the proper consideration of
+every work sent in.
+
+Where the women, in the rare event of their being equal to their brother
+brushes, shall be elected into the magic circle.
+
+Very few of the great public who find the splendid Tate Gallery "a thing
+of beauty and a joy for ever," recollect the disgraceful treatment the
+donor of it received at the hands of the Government and others. The way
+in which Mr.--afterwards Sir--Henry Tate was "held up to derision and
+contempt by a handful of irresponsible cranks" was a public scandal. Mr.
+Tate, in consequence, temporarily withdrew his princely offer of
+L150,000 to the nation. All his friends, and they were legion, deeply
+sympathised with him. I, being one of the few who were asked by Mr. Tate
+to meet at his house and consider the form of the "British Luxembourg"
+before the offer was made public at all, took upon myself to write to
+the _Times_ as follows:--
+
+     "Red-tapeism has triumphed, and all your art-loving readers are
+     disgusted, but not altogether surprised, to find this morning that
+     Mr. Henry Tate has retired from the scene with his princely offer
+     of L80,000 and his magnificent collection of pictures, which was to
+     form the nucleus of the proposed gallery of British art. It is a
+     bitter disappointment to the munificent Mr. Tate, and a warning to
+     others who, like him, come forward with their purse and their
+     pictures and offer them to an unartistic nation. It is bad enough
+     to find that a splendid gift like this cannot be accepted; but even
+     worse features in this lengthy controversy have been the gross
+     personal attacks and ungenerous insinuations made against the
+     would-be donor, which must be particularly hurtful to his modest
+     and unobtrusive nature, and I now write to suggest that all those
+     who sympathise with him (and surely their name is legion) should
+     show him some public mark of their appreciation. To the British
+     mind this at once suggests a banquet, and I would most willingly
+     undertake all the arrangements in connection with it if my present
+     state of health did not preclude my doing so; but, without a doubt,
+     among Mr. Tate's countless admirers there must be many eager to
+     adopt and carry out this suggestion."
+
+Of course I was chaffed in the Press for so "characteristically, though
+gravely," suggesting such a thing. My object in making the proposal was
+misunderstood. I was accused of putting the crowning absurdity on the
+whole thing, of making a cheaply canonised martyr of Mr. Tate, and some
+ungenerously hinted I was following up my joke of my "offer to the
+nation" by another. In fact, for the first time in the history of
+England, a public man was not to have a public dinner when there
+happened to be a matter of public importance to celebrate and ventilate!
+On the other hand, I received a letter from Mr. Tate, from Bournemouth,
+the day my letter in the _Times_ appeared, in which he thanked me for my
+warm hearted letter in the _Times_, but begged of me not to press my
+proposal in his honour. "As you say, I am a modest man, and it would be
+more than I could stand. What I _should like_ would be to see the
+artists calling a public meeting and protesting against the way in which
+British art has been shelved." In the same letter he assured me "that
+too much could not be said in condemnation of Sir Frederick Leighton's
+and the Academicians' supineness." In writing to thank me for dropping
+the proposed banquet, he again referred to his great surprise and
+disappointment that neither Sir Frederick Leighton nor any one of the
+Academicians had given his scheme any support, and complained that the
+President of the Royal Academy had been much more loyal to his friend
+Lord Carlisle "than to the cause of British art."
+
+
+THE OLD BAILEY.
+
+In the winter of 1885 the following paragraph ran through the Press:--"A
+statement has been circulated from a quarter that may be taken as well
+informed, that the City Lands Committee of the Corporation of London
+have perfected plans for the improvement of the Central Criminal Court.
+It is not improbable that the process of reform has been accelerated by
+a recent letter to the public Press of Mr. Harry Furniss, the well-known
+comic artist, who, having been summoned as a juryman, suffered many woes
+while waiting to be called into the box." As the _Saturday Review_
+remarked, the bitter cry of the outcast juror which I uttered is
+familiar enough to the public ear, but I had given it a more penetrating
+note than usual; but it did not hesitate to say that it would not
+produce any more effect upon those whom I sought to influence "than the
+less articulate, or even than the absolutely inarticulate, protests of
+many generations of his fellow-sufferers." And the _Saturday Review_ was
+right, for fifteen winters have passed since I wrote my protest to the
+_Daily News_.
+
+     "I cannot help thinking the prisoners at the Old Bailey have every
+     reason to congratulate themselves they are brought there as
+     prisoners, and not as jurymen. They are well looked after, and have
+     a clear way into Court, and plenty of room when they get there.
+     These are their advantages; but, alas! the lot of the poor jurymen
+     is not such a happy one. For some reasons, which may (or may not)
+     exist in the mind of the summoning officer, I received a demand
+     from him to appear and perform a 'super's' part in trial by jury at
+     the Old Bailey Petty Sessions. I arrived at the Court punctually at
+     the hour requested, and after fighting my way through a mixture of
+     other small ratepayers, detectives, bailed prisoners, and
+     nondescripts, I came to the first floor. Then I entered a dark
+     passage, 'standing room only,' and found it quite impossible to get
+     near the Court, the outside of which resembled the entrance to Old
+     Drury on Boxing Night. 'There ain't no room; just stand outside
+     there!' where I managed to keep my temper and my feet for a
+     considerable time. By degrees I squeezed into the Court with my hat
+     and temper ruffled. I arrived at barrier No. 1. 'Have I been
+     called?' 'Name?' 'Yes, yer 'ave, long ago; fined five pounds for
+     not answering to your name'; explanation. Shoved on to barrier No.
+     2; explanation repeated. Shoved on to barrier No. 3; explanation
+     repeated again, and reached barrier No. 4. The Judge: 'Swear'; and
+     I swore. Final explanation; fine taken off. I have an excuse.
+     'Stand down!' Here I remain for an hour and a half in a pen,
+     huddled up with more 'Hexcuses,' as Mr. Husher calls us, some of
+     whom, by their own statement, came from houses in which there were
+     infectious diseases. Imagine how nice this would be with the
+     jury-box full! I must admit the presiding Judge performed his task
+     of selection with discretion, particularly when he let me off. But
+     I observe that before the Judge there is a bouquet of flowers. I am
+     told that this is the survival of an old custom of placing hyssop
+     before the Bench by way of febrifuge to protect him from
+     pestilential vapours from the dock. I would like to suggest that a
+     bunch of hyssop be again substituted for the bouquet of flowers. In
+     justice, I ask you this: Is it reasonable to fine an over-taxed
+     ratepayer five pounds for not having heard his name through a musty
+     brick wall? And may I through you make a proposal--that busy
+     professional men should be exempt from this annoyance on payment of
+     one guinea per annum, and that this fund should either be employed
+     in building a new court, or provide fees for a really competent
+     jury of junior barristers, who undoubtedly would be the right men
+     in the right place?"
+
+My "cry" was taken up by the Press. "Purgatory is no name for it," "The
+Old Bailey Scandal," and other startling headlines failed to move
+Bumbledom. The most celebrated Criminal Court in the world, situated in
+the richest city, to this day remains a public scandal and a purgatory
+to unfortunate jurymen. My suggestion in this "amusing jeremiad," as it
+was called by one paper, contained one serious proposal; but my protest
+against the only form of conscription known to our laws, and my
+suggestion that the jury should be paid junior barristers, was, I
+confess, the only humorous idea I had in writing the letter! The major
+portion was serious--so again I have been a victim to the want of humour
+on the part of my journalistic friends.
+
+[Illustration: THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT. _From "Punch."_]
+
+Mr. _Punch_ appeared as my "champion stout and warm" in a series of
+verses, a few of which I quote:
+
+  "That citizen is now in Court, a dismal den and dusty;
+  Frowsy and foul its fittings be, its atmosphere is fusty;
+  And oh, its minor myrmidons are proud and passing crusty!
+
+  "They chivy him, that citizen, hustle him here and there;
+  One elbow looseth his trim tie, one rumpleth his back hair:
+  They greet his queries with a grunt, his grumblings with a stare.
+
+  "A close-packed crowd doth hem him round, a tight, malodorous 'block'
+  Of fustian men and women gross, of dry and dusty lock;
+  His 'By your leaves' they heed no whit, his struggles wild they mock.
+
+  "He may not stir, he cannot see. At length, in tones of blame,
+  He hears them toss from lip to lip his own much-honoured name:
+  'What! Fined for absence!!! That be blowed!' He swells with wrath
+    and shame.
+
+  "And through the throng he madly thrusts, like Viking, through the press
+  Strewing his path with buttons burst and fragments of his dress,
+  Claiming reversal of that fine with dearly-bought success.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "How long, oh British citizens, will ye in patience bide
+  The torture of the Jury-box remorselessly applied,
+  The Usher's haughty insolence, the Bobby's baleful pride?
+
+  "How long shall the 'twelve honest men,' our constitution's end,
+  Be treated worse than criminals, their time and money lend,
+  Long hours of thankless horror in their country's cause to spend?
+
+  "_Punch_ riseth in indignant wrath, your champion stout and warm:
+  'Tis time that Somebody should take this old abuse by storm,
+  And sweep out the Old Bailey with the besom of Reform."
+
+  [Illustration: THANK YO-O-U!]
+
+  I have to confess that letters to the Press have, as a rule, little
+  effect in reforming; in fact, my only direct success was caused by an
+  illustrated letter to _Punch_. The tent-jobbers were evicted, and the
+  pleasant and not altogether picturesque pavilion for cricketers, in the
+  centre of Regent's Park, was erected in consequence of this letter of
+  mine to _Punch_:
+
+     "DEAR MR. _Punch_,--I have discovered a nasty spot in one of the
+     lungs of London. As you are the Doctor to cure all evils, I trust
+     you will take up the case.
+
+     "I re-visited the neighbourhood of dear old Regent's Park last
+     week. I strolled through the Zoo to renew the acquaintance of all
+     my friends there, deserted in the 'Out of Town' season, and longing
+     in vain, alas! for their day in the country. It was early; the Park
+     was deserted, except by the birds, and here and there laughing
+     children with their nurses. Everything was pleasant, so fresh and
+     green, and free and easy, unlike the West End 'lungs.'
+
+     "I sat myself down on a bench. Shut out from the madding crowd, one
+     could breathe in comfort. I recalled Locker's lines in praise of
+     Piccadilly--that crowded thoroughfare, dusty and noisy--and while
+     trying to fit them in to suit the beautiful scene around me, I
+     nodded, and fell asleep.
+
+            *       *       *       *       *
+
+     "Bang! I'm awake! What's that? A cannon-ball hit me in the back?
+     I'm all of a heap on the grass, my hat one way, my umbrella
+     another--and I nowhere! or, where am I? Dear me, am I dreaming?
+     Have I been carried by a shot? (Volunteers do practise in the
+     Park.) Was it a suburban race-meeting? Yes, it must be, and one of
+     a low order. And yet this is surely Regent's Park!
+
+     [Illustration: REGENT'S PARK AS IT WAS. _From "Punch."_ A ROUGH
+     SKETCH ON WOOD.]
+
+     "'Thank you, sir!'--'Thank y-o-o-u!'--'Th-a-n-k y-o-o-o-u!'"
+
+     I pick myself up. _Is_ it the monkeys' half-holiday? Yes! They are
+     imitating boys playing cricket. Their cages are close at hand.
+
+     "Bang! Another blow!! This time I receive the enemy's blow--as an
+     Englishman should--in front. It brings me up standing--I see it
+     all! The monkeys are boys; the cages are practising nets; and the
+     balls come off the bats! A nurse in charge of five children is
+     under fire--in terror that some of her little ones may be hit and
+     killed--and it is a wonder they are not. I gallantly cover her
+     retreat, for no park-keeper is to be seen. Then I turned my
+     attention to what I thought--when half-dazed, but not altogether
+     wrong--was a corner of a low race-meeting, or gipsy encampment.
+     Here is a sketch, sir, made on the spot. It certainly was like
+     both--dirty unfinished tents, casks, rubbish and rags, something
+     boiling, and some people brawling, the grass all worn, and the walk
+     cut up! An eyesore, a disgrace, sir!
+
+     "A somewhat artistically-built kiosk stands a hundred yards or so
+     away. If the mass of cricketers want another, by all means let them
+     have it, and drive the unsightly tent-jobbers out of the Park.
+
+     "If this sort of thing is allowed by officials in charge, then,
+     sir, I venture to think the sketch heading this letter, 'What it
+     will come to,' will be an actual illustration of fact.
+
+                             "Yours truly,
+                                   "STURMIE STUMPS."
+
+Unfortunately my more recent attack on "Lord's," and my letters and
+articles on various other public matters, have not met with the same
+success. Even domestic annoyances have been ventilated by me, and I
+fondly hope have had some effect.
+
+_A propos_ of the foregoing, I may here make full confession of how
+
+I FOUND A SNAKE IN REGENT'S PARK.
+
+The following incident may prove interesting to the public in general
+and naturalists in particular:
+
+While taking an early walk in Regent's Park on Saturday, June 12th,
+1894, I captured, not the proverbial worm, but a specimen of a rare
+species of snake, which was indulging in a constitutional on one of the
+broad paths. "What a gigantic worm!" was my first thought, but on my
+using my stick to arrest its further progress it rose in the orthodox
+snake-like fashion at my cane, throwing itself into an attitude of
+defence and hissing with anger. The park-keeper, park-labourers who were
+mowing the grass close by, and divers members of the British public,
+from the piscatorial street arab with his minnow-ensnaring thread and
+bent pin to the portly merchant wending Citywards, were soon on the
+spot, and really that diminutive reptile caused more consternation than
+would have been the case had it been instead an Anarchist bomb. I sent
+over to the cricket pavilion for a tin canister wherein to cage _pro
+tem._ the wily stranger, and excitement waxed high as preparations were
+made to accomplish the fearsome feat. This was safely managed by the aid
+of a newspaper, which naturally enough, considering the events of the
+week, proved to be of a sporting character, and the viper, probably
+anxious as to the result of the Oaks, glided to the column containing
+that news, whence it was expeditiously shaken into the canister, which I
+perforated at the top, and walked off with my tinned snake to the
+Zoological Gardens hard by, where its roaming propensities were kept in
+check within the walls of the reptile house.
+
+I was somewhat startled to learn that my captive had not escaped from
+the Gardens, which did not contain one of its species, and Mr. Bartlett
+gave it as his opinion that there must have been a number more wherever
+this one came from. This new danger further enhanced the charms of
+Regent's Park, which on Saturdays is a perfect pandemonium, the
+pedestrian having to exert a great deal of agility to dodge the whizzing
+cricket balls and avoid being maimed for life. Now that we have had
+snakes in the grass we may expect vultures in the air, and who knows
+that in time to come we may not be shooting big game in the jungles of
+the north-west!
+
+The above is the substance of a letter I wrote to the _Times_, the
+publication of which caused no little consternation in some papers and
+no little chaff, at my expense, in others. The London evening papers
+appeared with startling contents bills and sensational headings:
+
+      "_LIKA-JOKO, THE SERPENT HUNTER._"
+
+      "SNAKES IN REGENTS PARK!"
+
+      "THE TALE OF THE SERPENT,"   "SNAKES ALIVE!" &c.
+
+The _Westminster Gazette_, "In the hope of gleaning some valuable
+information about this newly-discovered fearful reptile which lies in
+wait for wayfarers in the wilds of Northern London," sent a
+representative post-haste to interview Mr. Bartlett, the superintendent
+of the Zoological Gardens. This report in the _Westminster_ is headed:
+
+  "He thought he saw an elephant
+     Upon the mantelpiece;
+  He looked again, and found it was
+     His sister's husband's niece,"
+
+and then proceeds to throw doubt upon my veracity.
+
+[Illustration: THE LATE MR. BARTLETT.]
+
+     "Mr. Harry Furniss has been suffering from a delusion very similar
+     to that of the subject of Mr. Lewis Carroll's nonsense-verse. Mr.
+     Bartlett is a man of few words, though what he does say is both
+     interesting and humorous. Without replying"--(the _Westminster_
+     representative required him to tell him all he knew about my
+     snake)--"he took up his pen and, on the back of a visiting-card
+     which lay before him, he drew a circle as large as the card would
+     hold, the ends of which did not quite meet. 'There,' he said, 'that
+     is about the actual size of Mr. Harry Furniss's snake. You see its
+     size is not alarming, and its nature is not venomous. In fact, it
+     is absolutely harmless.'
+
+     "'But it is of rare variety, is it not?'
+
+     "'The variety is not common, certainly, though I have known it for
+     the last eighteen or twenty years. It is known as the small crowned
+     snake (_Coronella laevis_), and is occasionally found in Hampshire
+     and in one or two other counties. The first specimen I had was
+     brought to me from Hampshire by a friend of mine, a young officer.
+     As he pulled it out of his hand-bag in this room I saw it biting at
+     his fingers. I thought it was a viper; but, of course, on examining
+     it I soon saw what it really was. It has no fangs, and it is, as I
+     said, quite harmless. At its full size it may measure from fourteen
+     to sixteen inches. As for its rarity, here is a fairly long list of
+     the specimens we have had, and we have several at present. But come
+     along to the reptile house and see it for yourself.'
+
+     "Arrived, at the reptile house, Mr. Bartlett called the keeper, and
+     in solemn tones and with a grave countenance requested him to 'show
+     this gentleman Mr. Harry Furniss's serpent.' The man looked puzzled
+     for a moment, and then gradually a broad grin spread over his face
+     as he replied: 'Oh, yes, sir, if I can find it, but I am not sure
+     about that,' However, he removed the lid from a glass case
+     containing several lively little creatures just about as large as a
+     fresh-water eel at the age at which it is known to the small boy
+     who tries to catch it in his hands as the 'darning needle.' After
+     groping about in the sand at the bottom of the case he found the
+     specimen required and handed it over to Mr. Bartlett, who held it
+     in his hand and allowed it to make savage darts at his fingers.
+     'You see,' he said, it is a lively little thing--extremely
+     spiteful, but quite powerless to hurt me.' After it had been put
+     back and carefully secured, lest it should make another descent
+     upon London, Mr. Bartlett gave his theories as to how it might have
+     got into Regent's Park. 'There are two ways in which it might have
+     come here,' he explained. 'I imagine it has been brought in some of
+     the plants or shrubs which have been provided for the Park
+     gardeners; or else somebody may have brought a female with young
+     ones from the country and carelessly allowed this one to escape.
+     But stray animals like this are almost sure to come to us sooner or
+     later. Whenever people find anything unusual, they think it must be
+     an escaped specimen and forward it here. Why, when the great
+     explosion on the canal occurred in 1874, the glass in our aviaries
+     was shattered. Of course a great number of our birds escaped, but
+     it was in November, and most of them were glad enough to return to
+     the warmth and to the food provided for them. But people were
+     continually sending us birds for a long time, and, in fact, more
+     birds were sent here than had actually escaped.'
+
+     "'Then, as a last question, Mr. Bartlett, what does the fuss which
+     has been made about this snake mean?'
+
+     "Mr. Bartlett looked more solemn than ever as he suggested: 'Well,
+     Mr. Harry Furniss is fond of a joke--Lika-Joko is a capital name
+     for him; he may have been serious, or he may not."
+
+I was serious, and so was dear old Mr. Bartlett, whom it was my
+privilege to know well, but he did not let the representative of the
+_Westminster_ see this.
+
+I replied to the above article:
+
+     "On reading your descriptive interview with Mr. Bartlett _a propos_
+     of my finding a reptile in Regent's Park, I was, believe me, far
+     more surprised than when I captured the primary cause of your
+     representative's journey to the Zoological Gardens. You endeavour
+     to sum up the incident and my veracity by quoting the following
+     lines of Mr. Lewis Carroll's:--
+
+       "'He thought he saw an Elephant
+           Upon the mantelpiece;
+         He looked again, and found it was
+           His sister's husband's niece,'
+
+     "Now it seems to me that another extract from the same work would
+     have lent itself better to your requirements:
+
+       "'He thought he saw a Rattlesnake
+           That questioned him in Greek;
+         He looked again, and found it was
+           The Middle of Next Week.
+         "The one thing I regret," he said,
+           "Is that I cannot speak!"'"
+
+     I very much regret that it--the snake--cannot speak, for were it
+     gifted with articulate power your representative could hold a _viva
+     voce_ interview with his snakeship, and therefore become
+     enlightened as to the real facts of the case. The reptile might
+     also disclose the locality he hails from, as that important point
+     is still shrouded in mystery.
+
+     "As soon as I had read your article, which deals somewhat
+     frivolously with a very serious subject, I went forth to the Zoo in
+     quest of Mr. Bartlett, but that gentleman had left town. Perhaps
+     the article in question had something to do with his departure. Why
+     I sought to see him was to put to him the following questions to
+     test the accuracy of your statements:
+
+     "1. How comes it that you informed me on Saturday that the snake
+     was a foreigner, while according to the _Westminster Gazette_ it is
+     English?
+
+     "2. Did you not give it to me as your opinion that it must have
+     come in fruit? You are now made to say that it must have been
+     brought in plants or shrubs, and if that is so, why did the Park
+     gardeners declare that they had never seen anything like it before?
+
+     "3. Did you not say it was only a week old, and also that where it
+     came from there must be a number more?
+
+     "4. Did you not emphatically declare that you had no specimen of
+     the kind in the Gardens, and was it not for this reason I made you
+     a present of this one? How do you reconcile that with the following
+     passage in your interview with the representative of the
+     _Westminster Gazette_: 'As for its rarity, here is a fairly long
+     list of the specimens we have had, and we have several at present'?
+     And did you not give as a reason the reptile could not have strayed
+     from the Gardens the very cogent one that you had none of the kind
+     in your collection? And may I ask whether you really have any or
+     not? For if you have, and the one in question has escaped, what is
+     to prevent rattlesnakes and cobras and other venomous specimens
+     from escaping also?
+
+     "5. If, as you say, you doubted my seriousness, why was the snake
+     duly entered in the books of the Zoological Society, from whom I
+     received a formal letter of thanks for the presentation?
+
+     "6. Would you not rather handle a snake, however dangerous, than
+     the special interviewer of a London evening paper?"
+
+This I followed with another letter, which explains the conflicting
+information received at the Zoo:
+
+     "Since writing to you it has struck me that probably your
+     representative saw Mr. Bartlett senior, whereas I deposited my
+     snake into the care of, and received my information from, Mr.
+     Bartlett junior (the present superintendent). This may account for
+     your representative describing in his article Mr. Bartlett drawing
+     a circle the size of my snake on a visiting-card, and that, too,
+     without the two ends of the circle coming into conjunction. This is
+     so utterly absurd that it is evident Mr. Bartlett could not have
+     seen the reptile at the time. The exact measurement of my baby
+     serpent is seven and a-half inches in length--nearly an inch longer
+     than the word 'Westminster' at the top of your front page--and it
+     is _still growing_!"
+
+[Illustration: SKETCH BY MR. F. C. GOULD.]
+
+So did the story grow--in correspondence, in prose, in verse, and in
+picture. Mr. F. C. Gould treated the subject in Japanese-Lika-Joka
+spirit, and from quantities of verse I select the following from the
+_Sketch_ as the best:
+
+"PICKED UP NEAR THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.
+
+   "'I am the snake of Regent's Park;
+   I lie in wait for men of mark.
+   I'd gladly give my latest breath
+   To fright a funny man to death.
+   So when from ambush I espy
+   A comic artist passing by,
+   I think there is no joy like this--
+   To stand upon my tail and hiss.
+   For it is quite a novel charm
+   To see him start in wild alarm
+   And haste to tell the awful crimes
+   Of Horrid Serpents in the _Times_.
+   It used to be a bitter pang
+   That I was born without a fang,
+   That Nature made me as a toy
+   For any silly idle boy.
+   But now the humble snake may pass
+   For lurking cobra in the grass,
+   While people think that Regent's Park
+   Is Kipling Jungle after dark!'"
+
+Several letters appeared. One from a "Harrow School Boy," in the
+_Times_, was generally accepted at the time as a solution of the
+mystery:
+
+     "SIR,--I keep snakes as pets, and allow them a wriggle on the grass
+     every day. Early last week I missed one, a little black chap about
+     10 to 11 in. long, and have not seen him since. Perhaps the one Mr.
+     Harry Furniss found on Saturday is my lost pet, carried away, not
+     by one of the expected vultures, but by a roving Regent's Park
+     rook."
+
+This soothed some nervous readers' fears; but not all. Another
+correspondent wrote:
+
+     "The tale of the Regent's Park serpent (_Likajokophis
+     harryfurnissii_), discovered, patented, and greatly improved upon
+     by the vivacious caricaturist, appears to be even now not told to
+     its bitter sequel; for I am credibly informed at the Zoological
+     Gardens that an official of a large hospital in the neighbourhood
+     was sent there yesterday to enquire how soon it would be safe for
+     the convalescent patients to resume their daily airing in the
+     Park, as to the probabilities of further lethal reptilian monsters
+     lurking within its fastnesses, etc."
+
+The truth of the matter was, several snakes were at the same time found
+in gardens of private houses close to the Zoological Menagerie. "Mr. A.
+B. Edwards" wrote, from an address close to the Zoo, to the _Daily
+Telegraph_, a few weeks after my finding the cause of all the snake
+sensation:
+
+     "This afternoon we were taking tea in our garden when we saw a
+     snake 2 ft. long frisking on the lawn close to our feet.
+     Fortunately one of our fowls had got loose from the cage, and came
+     to pick up the crumbs. When it caught sight of the snake it pounced
+     upon it, and a great battle was fought between fowl and serpent.
+     After ten minutes' hard fighting, the snake lay dead. Your readers
+     may be interested to hear of this, and, being forewarned, they will
+     be forearmed against snakes in their gardens."
+
+The _Westminster Gazette_, _a propos_ of this:
+
+     "'Lika-Joko's' snake may now crawl away into its native
+     insignificance when it reads of the exploits of its comrade, who
+     preferred death to captivity."
+
+But my snake did not crawl away; far from it. The man in the reptile
+house, who "looked puzzled" and grinned, and had to grope about the sand
+at the bottom of the case to find the snake for the edification of the
+_Westminster Gazette_ interviewer, did not grin to that purpose for
+long. Never before in the history of the Zoo was the reptile house so
+crowded. Day after day people thronged to see the specimen of _Coronella
+laevis_ found on the path in Regent's Park. Not one looked at the two
+splendid specimens of the largest and finest and fiercest snakes bought
+that very week by the Zoological Society, at a cost of three hundred
+pounds. My snake was valued at anything between sixpence and
+eighteenpence, but it brought more money to the turnstiles of the Zoo
+than all the other snakes put together in twenty years.
+
+From an address not half-a-mile from the gates of the Zoological Gardens
+a gentleman wrote to the _World_ about a snake he found in his garden. A
+London and North-Western guard found a boa-constrictor, 22 feet long, in
+his van! "The son of a well-known Member of Parliament" found a huge
+snake in one of the rooms of his father's London house. In fact,
+snake-finding became an epidemic, and if I had come across any more of
+the ophidian brood, I would have feared the consequences. Alas! the
+British public killed my snake--as it has killed many another celebrity
+of the hour--by too much attention and flattery. But how the cause of
+all this excitement got on to the path in the centre of Regent's Park
+remains a mystery. I feel certain myself it had escaped from the
+Zoological Gardens through the drains, and the fact that others were
+discovered in the vicinity of the Park at the same time explains the
+confusion and mild chaff accepted by the _Westminster_ interviewer as a
+complete explanation, forgetting that officialism when criticised is
+much the same all the world over.
+
+[Illustration: THE LADY AND HER SNAKES.]
+
+"The Harrow School Boy" correspondent--probably a very old boy--is not
+alone in his strange choice of pets. A lady who had sent her pet snakes
+to the Zoological Gardens--not by "The Roving Rook Post," but by the
+usual course of presentation--happened to visit the Gardens at the time
+that other great attraction was drawing all London, the great Jumbo
+craze. When she arrived to see the elephant of the hour, the crowd was
+so dense around his cage that there was no chance of getting a peep, so
+she marched off to the reptile house and soon returned with one of her
+pets coiled round her neck. She took her stand close to the people
+engaged in struggling to pat the trunk of the Jumbo, feed it with the
+most expensive sweetmeats, decorate it with choice flowers, and weep
+bitter tears over its impending departure. (The public of the present
+day can hardly realise the excitement over this favourite elephant.)
+Struggling at the same time to be prominent in this Jumbo worship,
+however, the head of a snake appearing suddenly over one's shoulder is
+too much for some of us. One after another the visitors vanished as the
+snake thrust its head near them, and soon the ingenious lady had the
+place and Jumbo to herself.
+
+She was not a professional "snake-charmer," but an eccentric lady of
+private means; her pet was large, but harmless. Strange to say, about
+the same time a company of Japanese "snake-charmers" were causing a
+sensation at a show in the West End of London by their performance with
+snakes of a well-known dangerous species. Some of the reptiles they
+performed with fell sick--languid and useless for sensational show-work.
+They were despatched to the "Zoo" by the manager to be looked
+after--possibly the climate affected them. They would not eat anything,
+and were gradually pining away, when it was discovered that their
+poison-fangs had been extracted, and their mouths were sewn up with
+silk. Charming, certainly!
+
+Having lived close to the Zoological Gardens for over twenty years, and
+being a Fellow of the Society, I have spent a great deal of enjoyable
+time rambling about its ever-interesting collection. The "Zoo" is very
+like London itself--one never exhausts its interest. There is always a
+surprise in store for those even most intimately acquainted with it. One
+suddenly comes across an object of interest that has existed in the
+place for years, but one has not happened to pass at the moment that
+object appears. How many visitors to the "Zoo," for instance, have ever
+seen the beavers at work? To see them, the most interesting animals in
+the collection, one has to go very late or very early. Knowing old Mr.
+Bartlett as I did, I frequently saw interesting events, and heard from
+him interesting tales of the Gardens.
+
+Another letter of mine to the _Times_ took the form of a confession. It
+was what was described in the Press as "a humorous, yet withal pathetic
+complaint" (December, 1895) respecting the irritating inconvenience
+caused by so-called "modern conveniences," which do not always act
+satisfactorily. I had been driven to "let off steam" (which is better
+accomplished through a pen than with a pencil) by my experience in one
+week of the modern inventions which are designed to facilitate business
+and to benefit the public generally, and I still seriously question if
+these wonderful inventions and the extra expense incurred by adopting
+them are not a mistake.
+
+The working of the telephone has become, of course, a farce, and the
+sooner the Government take it up the better. Several large business
+houses have given it up, and in the working of the telephone London,
+which ought to be the most favoured, is probably the most unfortunate
+city of any in the world. I have tried half-a-dozen times in one day to
+ring up different people on the telephone without succeeding in getting
+through, and have had to send notes by hand.
+
+The electric light is another disappointing "improvement." It has gone
+out four times in one week, and we had to use candles and lamps.
+
+Then the District Messengers' wire, which I had in communication with my
+house, would not act. I rang up for a cab; no response. I rang up again;
+nothing came. I sent out for a cab, and was late for dinner. The next
+day a representative called casually to inform me that we could not use
+the wire for two or three days, as something had gone wrong.
+
+I then tried the phonograph; but I had more correspondence about it than
+I had through it.
+
+[Illustration: DO WOMEN FAIL IN ART? THE CHRYSALIS.]
+
+A plague on these experiments in the advancement of science intended to
+facilitate our work and add to our comfort! The electric light kills our
+sight; the telephone destroys our temper; the District Messenger call
+ruins our dinner; and, conjointly, they waste our time and deplete our
+purses.
+
+When there was a controversy in the _Daily Graphic_ I wrote in the
+interests of women to make one confession:
+
+Do women fail in art?
+
+Confession--Certainly not.
+
+In the opinion of many, women fail in nothing, but base man fails in
+appreciating women in art as in everything else where appreciation of
+talent is due. The fashion-plate young lady, with her doll's face, her
+empty head, and her sawdust constitution, monopolises all the attention
+that selfish man can afford to give outside thoughts about his own sweet
+self.
+
+Every year we see some work in the Academy from the easel of a woman
+which is far better than many of the works exhibited by Academicians,
+and although when that selfish body was being formed there were not
+enough men to supply the number of figure-heads required, and two women
+were requisitioned to launch the ship, all the gratitude shown to the
+sex has been years of continued insult. Yet there are certain
+Academicians who paint like women for women, and instead of leaving it
+to women receive all the honour and remuneration; and those having this
+feminine art and spirit behave the worst to those whom they copy. The
+pretty-pretty pictures of conventional coquetries which we have served
+up year after year by the chefs of this pastry of art might be concocted
+by the dainty fingers of the lady artist just as well as, or even better
+than, by the effeminate man who takes her place and robs her of her
+honours. But after all, are not the women themselves to blame? Art, I
+hold, is nowadays purely a commercial affair. Burlington House is simply
+a huge shop, and it is all nonsense to talk for one instant about the
+encouragement it gives to art, or to take seriously the prosy platitudes
+which are poured forth year by year at that picture tradesmen's
+dinner--the Royal Academy Banquet. Women are not invited--women,
+forsooth, whose works on the walls have done their share towards
+bringing the shillings to the turnstiles of the Academy. But more
+ridiculous still is the omission of lady patrons of art, for it is well
+known that this feast is given with two objects--to advertise the coming
+show, merely "chicken and champagne" in theatrical phraseology, and to
+feast Mr. Cr[oe]sus, who buys the pictures of his host.
+
+Now, it is the influence of women that makes the majority of men buy
+pictures. Few men buy pictures to please themselves; they buy them to
+please their wives. Why women are not patronised in art is for this
+simple reason, that women would rather patronise the work of a fool, if
+that fool be a man, than the work of a genius, if that genius happen to
+be a woman. I agree with Mrs. Jopling, that "with men success is reached
+with a fair wind and every favour, while with women those only succeed
+who have the power of weathering many storms." Quite true. Grace Darling
+will row out to help some feeble man struggling in the billows of
+incompetency, but she will sit on a rock and see a woman sink before she
+will stretch out a helping hand. If women fail in art, it is because
+women fail to help them, and I hold that but for women we might even
+to-day find the Royal Academy incapable of forming a quorum without
+calling in lady artists, as they did before. I see that the two ladies
+most qualified to speak about this subject disagree on the most
+essential point. Mrs. E.M. Ward gives it as her opinion that if women
+studied with the same quiet devotion as the male student they would be
+more successful; but Mrs. Louise Jopling asserts that young girls show
+quite as much disposition for art as young men do. I have no hesitation
+in saying that the latter opinion is the correct one. The male art
+student vies with the medical student in playing the fool. A friend of
+mine has recently been driven out of his studio, which was situated next
+to an art school, by the asinine behaviour of these "quiet devotional
+students." But in any school I have been through I have noted with
+astonishment the painstaking sincerity of the lady students.
+
+[Illustration: THE BUTTERFLY.]
+
+All that has been written on the subject from time to time seems to me
+to be quite devoid of common sense. We all know what a delightful poet
+Mr. Sterry is, and how fondly he sings the praises of women. Probably he
+has been so engrossed in describing the grace of the girl that he has
+failed to look for the natural elegance of the boy. Possibly no artist
+admires the female form more than I do, but any artist will corroborate
+me when I say it is a matter of the greatest difficulty to find a
+graceful young female model, while you seldom find a youth who is really
+awkward. The playground of a girls' school is a conglomeration of
+awkward figures, awkward running, awkward gesticulating, enough to make
+an artist shudder, while the cricket or football ground of a college is
+the best study an artist can possibly have for the poetry of motion. Mr.
+Sterry cannot be in earnest when he says that girls think the study of
+anatomy tiresome, drawing from the antique a bore, painting from the
+nude superfluous, and studies of the old masters uninteresting. An
+afternoon round the art schools and art galleries will prove to him the
+very reverse. But then the "lazy minstrel" cannot intend his readers to
+take him seriously, for he says that women have greater delicacy of
+touch and facility of manipulation than men, and that their hands are
+less awkward and their fingers more lissom than those of the sterner
+sex. In poetry, my minstrel, yes; in reality, bosh. Where are your women
+conjurors? You say that their brain is not strong enough to second their
+manual advantage, but that they can "knock off" a pretty water-colour or
+oil study of flowers, or a graphic caricature! Caricature, indeed!
+Perhaps no one has seen more caricatures than I have, but I have never
+seen a caricature by a woman. If women have a failing, it is lack of
+humour. We poor caricaturists know that; but we also know that whereas
+women can compete side by side with painters on the line of the Royal
+Academy, we are not honoured by even a failure in caricature.
+
+It is curious how clever lady artists become when they happen to be the
+wives of successful painters, but it is a significant fact that while
+all writers seem to agree that marriage is the cause of obliterating
+artistic ambition in women, it has in many cases been the birth of
+genius; and while domestic companionship with an artist will make a
+woman a painter, no caricaturist has ever succeeded in making his wife
+a humorist in art, and I shall ask Mr. Sterry what he means by placing
+"graphic caricature" on a par with "knocked-off" pretty water-colours
+and the weak studies of flowers by lady amateurs. Mr. Sterry is an
+artist himself, and this disparagement of a most difficult and most
+unique art fully qualifies him to be a member of the Royal Academy.
+
+[Illustration: EARLY VICTORIAN ART.]
+
+At the beginning of the Victorian Era art was at its lowest ebb. The
+young lady students of the period were copying those impossible
+lithographed heads which formed the stock-in-trade of the
+drawing-master, or those fashion-plate Venuses whose necks recalled the
+proportions of the giraffe, with the eyelashes of a wax doll, and
+fingers that tapered off like the point of a pencil. These sirens of the
+drawing-board were invariably smelling a rose or kissing a canary, and
+always had a weakness for pearls. They used to be drawn upon tinted
+paper, and when the faces had been duly smeared over with the stump to
+suggest shadow, and after the drawing-master had endowed the work with
+artistic merit by the application of white chalk to the high lights, the
+pearls, the canary's eyes, and the pathetic tear-drops upon the damsels'
+faces, the immortal productions were ready for framing. The giraffe or
+swan-necked angel was the keynote for all ideal work, and even the
+recognised artists of those days, with one or two brilliant exceptions,
+followed in her train.
+
+Now she rushes into a large oil picture--perhaps a portrait of her
+brother in riding costume, _et hoc genus omne_. These are caricatures,
+but, like many of the pictures on the walls of the Royal Academy, they
+are unconscious ones.
+
+As I am writing about the failure or success of women, I should like to
+introduce a curious request once made to me.
+
+[Illustration: YOUNG LADY'S PORTRAIT OF HER BROTHER.]
+
+It is a very common thing for me to receive all sorts and conditions of
+curious letters from all sorts of people. The following, sent to me from
+the Colonies, is worth reprinting:
+
+     "DEAR SIR,--I have taken the liberty to address you upon a little
+     matter, and earnestly hope you will exert and use your influence on
+     my behalf to the utmost of your ability. I am a young man
+     twenty-three years of age, of good family, handsome, worth in stock
+     and cash about L18,000. I intend coming to reside in dear Old
+     England permanently (the land of my birth) as soon as I can dispose
+     of my property and stock to an advantage here. I came out to Africa
+     as a youngster, and have remained here ever since. I've not had an
+     opportunity even of paying a visit to England. Will you be good
+     enough to try and induce some young lady to correspond with me with
+     a view to matrimony? I should like to get married upon my arrival,
+     and live in joyful anticipation of meeting my love at the docks or
+     station. I am well aware that I am transgressing the rules of good
+     breeding and etiquette by my familiarity and audacity, but the fact
+     is I am totally unacquainted in the city and know of no one else in
+     whom I could put implicit faith and confidence with regard to so
+     delicate a matter. Pardon me, therefore, dear sir, if I have been
+     in any way intrusive or have unwillingly offended you. I have had
+     scores of favourable opportunities to get married here, but, to
+     tell the plain truth, I would sooner die than marry anybody not of
+     my own nationality. She must have a lady's blood in her veins, and
+     born and bred in the auld country, or I'll die a confirmed old
+     bachelor. The society of these Cape girls is somewhat detestable to
+     me, and their ways, looks, figure, dress, education, refinement,
+     and accomplishments are not to be compared to Old England's. Hoping
+     I've not occupied too much of your valuable time, and trusting to
+     hear from you at your earliest convenience or opportunity, with
+     kind regards, I beg to remain,
+
+                                "Yours truly,
+                                        "----."
+
+[Illustration: WAITING.]
+
+I was puzzled to know what to do with this letter--I really felt for my
+correspondent. I therefore printed his request in a London letter I was
+writing at the time and which appeared in the principal local papers in
+the United Kingdom, and also in the papers of America and Australia, and
+added a portrait of the lady I had selected, with the following note:
+
+     "Unless the publication of this letter leads to some favourable
+     offers I shall send my unknown, but hymeneally disposed,
+     correspondent this sketch of a lady capable of looking after so
+     young and venturesome a man, seated at the docks waiting his
+     arrival, for unless he has a sketch or photograph how is he to
+     identify his 'love' amidst the crowd which greets the
+     homeward-bound steamer?"
+
+And I have preserved a few out of the scores of letters I received, to
+hand to this gentleman should I ever have the pleasure of meeting him.
+
+Judging from this, the manager of a matrimonial agency must indeed get a
+curious insight into the minds of the maids of Merry England. This
+single experience has been quite enough for me.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF A DINER.
+
+     My First City Dinner--A Minnow against the Stream--Those Table
+     Plans--Chaos--The City Alderman, Past and Present--Whistler's
+     Lollipops--Odd Volumes--Exchanging Names--Ye Red Lyon Clubbe--The
+     Pointed Beards--Baltimore Oysters--The Sound Money Dinner--To Meet
+     General Boulanger--A Lunch at Washington--No Speeches.
+
+     THE THIRTEEN CLUB--What it was--How it was Boomed--Gruesome
+     Details--Squint-Eyed Waiters--Superstitious Absentees--My Reasons
+     for being Present--'Arry of _Punch_--The Lost "Vocal" Chords--The
+     Undergraduate and the Undertaker--Model Speeches--Albert Smith An
+     Atlantic Contradiction--The White Horse--The White Feather--Exit
+     13.
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Probably no meal varies so much in the time of its celebration as that
+most important one, dinner. Some people still exist who dine at one
+o'clock; some also there are who daily observe that fearsome feast
+yclept "High Tea." The majority of people dine at various times ranging
+between seven o'clock and half-past eight, but there is one individual
+alone who dines at six. It is the City Guilder. Time was when City
+princes dwelt in City palaces, and rose at five, breakfasted at seven,
+lunched at twelve, dined at five and retired to rest at ten; but
+nowadays these magnates are lords of the City from ten till four, and of
+the West End and the suburbs for the remainder of the twenty-four hours,
+and they would in the ordinary course of things invite you to dinner at
+eight o'clock or so. What inscrutable law, then, compels them to hold
+their state dinners at the dread hour of six?
+
+For it is at this time, when the ebb-tide of humanity sets strongest
+from the City, that the honoured guest of a City Company may be seen
+fighting his way, like a minnow against stream, in a hansom to his
+dinner at the hall of the Guild. Still, he goes "where glory waits him,"
+so what recks he that the hour is altogether uncongenial and
+inconvenient?
+
+Nevertheless, I know as a matter of fact that this earliness compels
+many invited guests to decline the honour and pleasure of dining with a
+"Gill" (as "Robert" would say), who would without doubt accept the
+invitation were the hours of the Guild as reasonable as their cuisine is
+excellent.
+
+Personally, however, it has often been a pleasure to me to leave my
+easel at four o'clock and prepare to meet my practical City patrons "on
+their own midden" at "5.30 for 6."
+
+As an illustration I will record a reminiscence of a very pleasant
+evening I once spent in the City, when the festivities--save for my
+having to make a speech--went off with that success which is inseparable
+from City dinners.
+
+Imprimis, I arrive in daylight and evening dress. These two, like
+someone and holy water, don't agree, for not all the waters of Geneva
+nor the arts of the queen of all _blanchisseuses_ can destroy the horrid
+contrast between a white tie and a white shirt; yet another good
+argument in favour of a reasonable dinner hour.
+
+I hate being in a minority. More especially do I detest being in such a
+decidedly pronounced minority as one joins when one drives _into_ the
+City about six o'clock in the evening against a vast current of toilers
+of commerce homeward bound. It may be weak, but I feel it all the same.
+I seem to divine the thoughts of the omnibus driver as he gazes down
+upon me from his exalted perch--he does not think my shirt is clean. His
+sixteen "outsides" bestow upon me a supercilious look that conveys to me
+that they opine I am merely cabbing it to the station _en route_ for a
+"suburban hop." But I bear up under it all, and think of the magnificent
+banquet of which they, poor things, know nothing, and I am beginning to
+feel quite proud when a brute of a fellow in charge of a van catches his
+wheel in that of my cab and nearly pitches me out. I hurriedly decide to
+decline the next invitation I receive for a City dinner.
+
+[Illustration: MENU OF THE DINNER GIVEN TO ME BY THE LOTOS CLUB, NEW
+YORK.]
+
+However, I live to reach Cannon Street and the mansion of the "Gill."
+
+I am soon ushered into the Cedar Room, where I am received by the Master
+and the Wardens in their robes.
+
+I mingle with the Guilders and their guests, and find the members of the
+Worshipful Company informing their friends that they are now in the
+Cedar Room; then they sniff, and the guests sniff and say "Charming!"
+Then they remark, "What a lot of pencils it would make!" and laugh, and
+the artists present agree that City folks are shoppy.
+
+On a side table the stranger sees a number of what appear to him
+diagrams of City improvements, with mains and drains and all sorts of
+things, but on closer inspection they turn out to be the plans of the
+table. You discover one bearing your name, and opposite it a red cross,
+or perhaps I ought to say an exaggerated asterisk.
+
+When you have taken your seat downstairs in the Banqueting Hall you
+inspect your plan, from which you find that you can tell who everybody
+is. Capital idea!
+
+"Ah, seat Number 24, the great Professor Snuffers!"
+
+You direct your gaze across the table to seat No. 24, and lo! your
+cherished preconception of the Professor vanishes instanter, for his
+bearing is military, and his whole appearance seems to denote muscle
+rather than mind.
+
+This plan opens up a mine of instruction and information. You refer
+again, and next to the Professor you find the "Master of the Scalpers'
+Company."
+
+"Dear, me, what a clerical-looking old gentleman!" is your mental
+comment.
+
+Next you look for "The Rev. Canon Dormouse."
+
+"Why, he's quite a youth! Can't be more than five-and-twenty, and wears
+a medal and an eye-glass! How types have changed!"
+
+It occurs to you to open a conversation with your next neighbour, which
+you do by making a casual allusion to the Canon.
+
+"Yes, dear old gentleman; does a lot for the poor--life devoted to
+them."
+
+"Dear me, does he? Now to my mind, judging from appearances, the Master
+of the Scalpers' Company seems more cut out for that kind of work."
+
+"Ha! ha! _He's_ better at curing hams than souls."
+
+"Well, I should not have thought so, merely judging character as an
+artist. Professor Snuffers seems to me also curiously unique. I know a
+good many Professors, but I never met one so anti-professional in
+appearance as that gentleman."
+
+[Illustration: ALDERMAN. IDEAL. REAL.]
+
+"Ah, Snuffers! Old friend of mine--where is he?"
+
+"There," and you point to the name on the plan and nod over to the other
+side of the table.
+
+"No, that's not Snuffers! I recollect now he told me he would not be
+able to come. That's Major Bangs, a guest asked to fill a vacant chair."
+
+Similarly you find that the eye-glass youth is _not_ Canon Dormouse, the
+clerical-looking gentleman _not_ the Master of the Scalpers' Company,
+and so on. Oh, they are a capital idea, those plans!
+
+On the occasion in question I met one of the Sheriffs of the City, who
+is also an Alderman--not a fat, apoplectic, greasy, vulgar Cr[oe]sus,
+but a handsome, thoughtful-looking gentleman, decidedly under fifty,
+who might be anything but an Alderman. But indeed the long-accepted type
+of an Alderman is exploded--such a type, bursting with good dinners,
+wealth and vulgarity, must explode--and the ph[oe]nix which has risen
+from his ashes would scarcely be recognised by the most liberal of
+naturalists as belonging to the same species. John Leech may have had
+living examples for his gross and repulsive monuments of gluttony; in my
+own experience, however, I find a gulf of great magnitude between the
+Alderman of caricature and the Alderman I have met in the flesh. The
+former has gone over to the majority of "four-bottle men" and other
+bygone phenomena.
+
+Well, let us return to the dinner. The fare is excellent, the company
+delightful, and I am just revelling in that beatific state of mind born
+of a sufficiency of the good things of this earth, when nothing seems to
+me more pleasant than a City dinner, when I am tapped upon the shoulder
+by the Toastmaster, who bears a warrant to consign me to misery. I have
+to make a speech. I have passed through the ordeal before, but I find
+that familiarity, as far as speech-making is concerned, breeds no
+contempt. Between the City and the art in which I am interested there
+exists no affinity, and this perhaps is a blessing in disguise, as for
+once in a way one is of necessity compelled to "sink the shop." However,
+it is soon over. A plunge, a gasp or two, a few quick strokes, and I am
+through the breakers and on the shore--I mean on my seat. That was years
+ago--I am an old hand now.
+
+I never could subscribe to that unwritten and unhonoured law which
+provides that an after-dinner speaker is entitled to five minutes in
+which to apologise for his incompetency in that capacity, and fifty-five
+minutes in which to speechify; and I have often wished that speechmakers
+one and all would recollect that a few words well-chosen and to the
+point, and a timely termination, are far more acceptable to the listener
+than all their maundering oratorical tours "from China to Peru," from
+the Mansion House to the moon. When I am going to a City dinner my own
+children show a lively interest to know the name of the Company, and if
+I name the Skinners' Guild their interest culminates in uproarious
+delight; but if I mention any other, most uncomplimentary groans greet
+the announcement, for the guests of the Company to which I refer can
+choose either to take or have sent to them a huge box of the choicest
+sweetmeats when the entertainment is over.
+
+[Illustration: J. WHISTLER, AFTER A CITY DINNER. (DRAWN WITH MY LEFT
+HAND.)]
+
+_A propos_ of this, I recollect an incident the mention of which will, I
+fear, send a cold shudder through any worshipper of "Nubian" nocturnes
+and incomprehensible "arrangements." On one occasion after leaving the
+banquet of this Guild I beheld Whistler--"Jimmy" of the snowy tuft, the
+martyred butterfly of the "peacock room"--to whose impressionable soul
+the very thought of a sugar-stick should be direst agony, actually
+making his way homewards hugging a great box of lollipops!
+
+[Illustration: AN ODD VOLUME.]
+
+I met a curious City man, not at a City dinner, but at "Ye Odd Volumes,"
+where we both happened to be guests. He was certainly an odd-looking
+guest, a very old volume out-of-date--odd-fashioned overcoat with gold
+buttons, an odd-fashioned "stock," and an odd-looking shirt. While
+waiting for dinner he looked at me oddly, and eventually addressed me in
+this odd way:
+
+"Sir, may I have the pleasure of exchanging names with you?"
+
+"Why, certainly; my name is Harry Furniss."
+
+"H'm, ha, eh, ha!" and he walked away.
+
+After dinner came the speeches. As each guest was called upon, my odd
+friend was to his evident chagrin not named; I noticed from time to time
+the old gentleman was elevated--sitting high. At last, after I had
+returned thanks for the visitors, he rose and asked to be allowed to
+speak. He said something nice about me--the reason he explained to me
+later. The burthen of his speech was a protest that he had not seen one
+odd volume that night. "If you've got 'em, produce 'em. Ah!" (snapping
+his fingers at the company in general) "I don't think you know what an
+odd volume is!" And then turning round he placed on the table a huge
+volume on which he had been sitting all through dinner.
+
+[Illustration: MY DESIGN FOR SETTE OF ODD VOLUMES. I WAS A GUEST.]
+
+"There," he said, "that's an odd volume if you like--that's something
+unique. It contains 9,987 hotel bills--a chronicle (of my hotel
+expenses) for two-thirds of the present century."
+
+Later he came round to me. He assured me that he didn't catch my name
+when he asked for it, but when I was speaking he recognised me and was
+glad to have the opportunity of making my acquaintance. It appeared he
+had bought many hundreds of "Romps" books for children and given them
+to Children's Hospitals and other institutions. So he had besides an
+odd volume a good heart--and what is more surprising, a watch in every
+pocket! Watch-collecting was his hobby, and, like a conjuror, he
+produced them from the most unexpected and mysterious places. One
+belonged to the Emperor Maximilian, and had in its case moving figures
+to strike the time. I confess I wished he had exchanged watches with me
+in place of names. His name, by the way, was Holborn; he was a
+well-known City tea-merchant.
+
+[Illustration: MY DESIGN (REDUCED) FOR THE DINNER OF YE RED LYON
+CLUBBE.]
+
+[Illustration: A DISTINGUISHED "LYON."]
+
+When I visited Leeds for the British Association Meeting, I was made a
+member of Ye Red Lyon Clubbe, a dining club which I understand meets
+once a year as a relief to the daily monotony of the serious business of
+the Association--in fact, "for one night only" the British Ass. assumes
+the Lion's skin. To see learned Professors who have been dilating for
+hours and days on the most abstruse scientific subjects, with the most
+solemn faces, amidst the dullest surroundings, suddenly appear wagging
+their dress-coat tails to represent the tail of the hungry lion, and
+emitting the most extraordinary mournful, growling sounds, the nearest
+approach at imitating the roar of the lion, and otherwise behaving like
+a lot of schoolboys on the night before the holidays, is certainly a
+scene not familiar to the thousands who belong to the British
+Association.
+
+Burlesque-scientific speeches are made after dinner, and although there
+are generally some practical jokes in chemical illustrations, the merry
+wits do not tamper with the dinner itself further than preparing a most
+excellent burlesque menu, which I take the liberty of here introducing:
+
+     JOURNAL
+     OF
+     SECTIONAL PROCEEDINGS.
+
+     Issued Tuesday Evening, September 9th, 1890, at 5.30 p.m.
+
+     SECTION A... _Hors d'Oeuvres_--Kinetic Vacua.
+
+     SECTION B... _Puree Pontoise_--Isomeric Naphthalene.
+                _Consomme a la Princesse_--Hydracid Halogen.
+
+     SECTION C... _Boiled Salmon_--Glacial Lepidodendron.
+                _Fried Smelts_--Horned Dinosaur.
+
+     SECTION D... _Kromesky a la Russe_--Androgynous Cones.
+                _Poulet Saute a la Chasseur_--Chytridian Woronina.
+
+     SECTION E... _Braised Fillet of Beef_--Lobengula Lion.
+                _Roast Saddle of Mutton_--Native Kalahari.
+
+     SECTION F... _Grouse_--Statistics of Slaughter.
+                _Partridge_--Progressive Decimation.
+
+     SECTION G... [A]_Savarin a l'Abricot_--Diamagnetic amperes.
+                _Sicilian Cream_--A New Lubricant.
+                _Victoria Jelly_--High Carbon Slag.
+                _Maids of Honour_--Kinetic Leverage.
+                _Pastry_--Approaching the Elastic Limit.
+
+     SECTION H... _Ice Pudding_--Prognathous Brachycephaloid.
+                _Croute d'Anchois_--Unidentified Origin.
+                _Dessert_--Prehistoric Jourouks.
+
+                                    H.B. ----, } Jackals.
+                                      W. ----, }
+
+[Footnote A: Should the discussion of these Papers interfere with the
+transactions of the other Sections, one or more will be taken as
+eaten.]
+
+[Illustration: The Pointed Beards]
+
+Somebody has said that an Englishman will find any excuse to give a
+dinner, but my experience has been that this is truer of Americans. I
+have been the guest of many extraordinary dining clubs, but as the most
+unique I select the Pointed Beards of New York. To club and dine
+together because one has hair cut in a particular way is the _raison
+d'etre_ of the club; there is nothing heroic, nothing artistic or
+particularly intellectual. It is not even a club to discuss hirsute
+adornments; such a club might be made as interesting as any other,
+provided the members were clever.
+
+That most delightful of _litterateurs_, Mr. James Payn, once interested
+himself, and with his pen his readers, in that charming way of his, on
+the all-important question, "Where do shavers learn their business? Upon
+whom do they practise?" After most careful investigation he answers the
+question, "The neophytes try their prentice hands upon their fellow
+barbers." That may be the rule, but every rule has an exception, and I
+happened once to be the unfortunate layman when a budding and
+inexperienced barber practised his art upon me. I sat in the chair of a
+hairdresser's not a hundred miles from Regent Street. I had selected a
+highly respectable, thoroughly English establishment, as I was tired of
+being held by the nose by foreigners' fingers saturated with the
+nicotine of bad cigarettes. I entered gaily, and to my delight a
+fresh-looking British youth tied me up in the chair of torture, lathered
+my chin, and began operations. I was not aware of the fact that I was
+being made a chopping-block of until the youth, agitated and extremely
+nervous, produced a huge piece of lint and commenced dabbing patches of
+it upon my countenance. Then I looked at myself in the glass. Good
+heavens! Was I gazing upon myself, or was it some German student,
+lacerated and bleeding after a sanguinary duel? I stormed and raged, and
+called for the proprietor, who was gentle and sorry and apologetic, and
+explained to me that the boy must begin upon somebody, and I
+unfortunately was the first victim! I allow my beard to grow now.
+
+Otherwise I should not have been eligible for the New York Pointed
+Beards, for no qualification is necessary except that one wear a beard
+cut to a point.
+
+The tables were ornamented with lamps having shades cut to represent
+pointed beards. A toy goat, the emblem of the club, was the centre
+decoration. We had the "Head Barber," and, of course, any amount of soft
+soap. A leading Republican was in the barber's chair, and during dinner
+some sensation was caused by one of the guests being discovered wearing
+a false beard. He was immediately seized and ejected until after the
+dinner, when he returned with his music. It so happened we had present a
+member of the Italian Opera, with his beautiful pointed beard, and he
+had also a beautiful voice. But New York could not supply an accompanist
+with a pointed beard! So a false beard was preferred to false notes. The
+speeches were pointed, but not cut as short as the beard--rather too
+pointed and too long. It was just after the Bryan political crisis. The
+leading politician in the chair and one of the guests, a political
+leader writer, who had not met--not even at their barber's--since the
+election, had some electioneering dispute to settle. Americans, unlike
+us, drag politics into everything. Take away this peculiarity and you
+take away two-thirds of their excellent after-dinner speaking. The
+Pointed Beards may have something to do with the matter. The two lost
+their temper, and the evening was all but ruined thereby, when a happy
+thought struck me. Although as the guest of the evening I had spoken, I
+rose again to apologise for being an Englishman! I confessed that I had
+listened to the two speeches, but their brilliancy and wit were
+entirely lost upon me; the subtle humour of the American passed an
+Englishman's understanding. Their personalities and political passages
+were no doubt ingenious "bluff," but so cleverly serious and so well
+acted that I had for four-fifths of the acrimonious speeches been
+entirely taken in. At this all laughed loud at my stupidity, and the
+evening ended pleasantly.
+
+The secretary of this dinner, which was a most excellent one, was the
+celebrated Delmonico, but it was not held at his famous restaurant. To
+have been complete it ought really to have been held in a barber's shop,
+for some of those establishments in America are palatial, and even minor
+barbers' shops are utilised in a curious way. One Sunday afternoon as I
+was taking a walk I overheard some singing in a shop devoted to hair
+dressing, and looking in I saw an extraordinary sight. There were about
+a dozen old ladies seated in the barbers' chairs, with their backs to
+the looking-glasses and brushes, singing hymns. It was a meeting of the
+Plymouth Brethren, who hired the shop for their devotions!
+
+Of course at the Pointed Beards' dinner in New York we had oysters with
+beards--but no American dinner is complete without their famous oysters.
+Unfortunately I have to make the extraordinary confession that I never
+tasted an oyster in my life, and as I am touching upon gastronomy, I may
+also mention that I never touch cheese, or hare, or rabbit, or eel, and
+I would have to be in the last stage of starvation before I could eat
+cold lamb or cold veal; so it will be seen by these confessions that my
+cook's berth is not a sinecure, and that these complimentary dinners, as
+dinners, are to a great extent wasted upon me. I once, in fact, was
+asked to a dinner at a club, and I could not touch one single dish! But
+my friends kindly provided some impromptu dishes without cheese or
+oysters and other, to me, objectionable things. I was not so lucky in
+Baltimore. We all know Baltimore is celebrated for its oysters, and the
+night I arrived a dinner was given to me at the Baltimore Club, which
+opened as usual with dishes of magnificent oysters. The head waiter, a
+well-known figure, an old "darkie" with grey hair, placed a dish of
+oysters down before me with pride, and stood to watch my delight. I
+beckoned to him to take them away. He seized the dish and examined the
+oysters; got another dish, placed them before me. I again requested him
+to remove them. This happened a third time. I then told him plainly and
+emphatically that I did not eat oysters. By this time my host and his
+guests were at their third course, and I and the head waiter were still
+discussing oysters. My host did not notice this, as he was at the other
+end of the table, and there were many floral decorations between us; but
+I made bold to inform him of the fact that the waiter had not only taken
+away my plates but had removed my glasses, knives and forks, and left me
+with a bare cloth and no dinner. My host had to call the waiter out of
+the room and remonstrate with him, but it required some time and a great
+deal of persuasion before I, the guest of the evening, was allowed to
+begin my dinner when they were finishing theirs. It transpired that the
+humorous paper of Baltimore had published the impressions I would
+receive on visiting their great city, and prominently was a caricature
+of myself swallowing my first Baltimore oyster. This so interested the
+waiters of the club that they selected the largest for me, and were so
+disappointed at my refusing them that they punished me in the same way
+as Sancho Panza was punished before me.
+
+Perhaps the most extraordinary dinner I ever took part in was held in
+New York on November 3rd, 1896, when twelve leading Democrats and twelve
+Republicans sat down on the night of the most sensational election that
+has ever taken place in the United States. English readers will hardly
+realise what such a combination meant. The only parallel in this country
+was probably caused by Mr. Gladstone's Home Rule Bill, when leading
+Liberals and Conservatives stood on the same platform. But that was the
+result of a purely political question; political questions of that
+national character do not interest the better-class American. For
+instance, on my first visit to America I sat next to a very influential
+New Yorker at dinner. At that time also elections were pending, and I
+casually asked my acquaintance what he thought of the situation. He
+raised his eyebrows with great surprise and said:
+
+"Pardon me, sir, we take no interest in politics here; we leave that to
+our valets."
+
+I met that man the day of this dinner four years later. He was
+positively ill with excitement; he could talk of nothing but politics.
+Party emblems decorated his coat; every pocket was full of pamphlets--he
+had been working night and day to defeat Bryan. His valet, no doubt, was
+sleeping soundly the sleep of indifference--nothing to lose or nothing
+to gain should Bryan succeed. The silver scare of Bryan's touched the
+pockets, not the politics, of the prosperous; and that touch is the one
+touch that makes the whole American world kin.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It happened that I was dining at the house of the chairman of this
+unique dinner ten days before the election, and he was telling us of the
+coming election-night dinner as the most extraordinary in the history of
+their politics. To my surprise, days afterwards, I received an
+invitation. They all had to be consulted, and agreed that I was the only
+outsider they would allow to be present.
+
+The dinner was held in an hotel in the centre of New York, and special
+permission had been given to have the room next to the one in which we
+dined turned into a telegraph office, where all the messages going to
+the central office were tapped, and we knew the result in the room as
+soon as it was known at the central office. Perhaps I was the only one
+present thoroughly indifferent, and certainly the only one who enjoyed
+his dinner. Speeches were indulged in even earlier than usual, and one
+of them had the portentous title of "England" coupled with my name! I
+rose and said that I felt exactly like a man who had been invited to a
+country house, and on his arrival was met by his friend on the doorstep
+with a long face and a cold, nervous hand. He was glad to see you, but
+had sad news: his wife was lying between life and death, and the doctors
+were round her bedside. Now, under such circumstances, one does not
+exactly feel one can make one's self at home. I assured my listeners
+that at the moment the Republic was lying in a critical condition,
+doctors were at her bedside, and it would be settled before midnight
+whether she was to live or die. If they would allow me I would rise
+later, and I trusted then my friends would be in a more genial and less
+excited mood. I had the pleasure of continuing my speech late that
+night, and congratulating them on the Republic having survived the Bryan
+crisis.
+
+To describe the scenes after dinner when the results were announced, if
+I had a pen capable of so doing, would simply dub me in the minds of
+many readers as a second de Rougemont.
+
+Late that night I reached the waterside. The North River was ablaze with
+red and blue lights, and rockets shot into the darkness from either
+shore. Every ferry-boat, tug-boat, scow, or barge in the harbour passed
+in an endless procession. The air quivered with the bellowings of
+fog-horns, steam whistles, and sirens. It was indescribable; language
+fails me. I can only quote the words of the New York paper with "the
+largest circulation in the world": "The wind-whipped waters of river and
+harbour glowed last night with the reflection of a myriad lights set
+aflame for the glory of the new sound and golden dollar. East and west,
+north and south, dazzling streams of fire played in fantastic curves
+across the heavens, and beneath this canopy of streaming flame moved a
+mammoth fleet of steam craft, great and small."
+
+As I laid my aching head on my pillow I murmured: "Had I been an
+American citizen, much as I believe in sound currency and an honest
+dollar, one more rocket, a few more fog-horns, and I should have cast my
+vote for Bryan and Free Silver!"
+
+[Illustration: A SKETCH OF BOULANGER.]
+
+At this dinner I contrasted the look of anxiety with the callous
+indifference of a face I had watched under similar but still more unique
+circumstances a few years before: the face of the chief of French
+_poseurs_--General Boulanger--whom I was asked to meet at dinner in
+London. It happened to be the night the result of his defeat at the
+polls was made known. He sat, the one man out of the score-and-five
+concerned; but as telegrams were handed to him, of defeat, not success,
+he never showed any signs of interest.
+
+A few years afterwards, when on tour with my lecture-entertainments, I
+"put in" a week in the Channel Islands, under the management of a
+gentleman who had been intimately acquainted with Boulanger when he was
+a political recluse in Jersey; and one afternoon he drove me to the
+charming villa the General had occupied, situated in an ideal spot on
+the coast. The villa was most solidly built, and of picturesque
+architecture--the freak of a rich Parisian merchant, who had spared no
+pains or money over it. The work both inside and out was that of the
+best artists Paris could supply. It was magnificently furnished--a
+museum of beautiful objects, and curious ones, too. One bedroom was a
+model of an officer's apartments on board a man-of-war, even to the
+water (painted) splashing through a porthole. Another bedroom was a
+replica of an officer's tent. These were designed and furnished for the
+sons of the Parisian merchant, who for some domestic reason never went
+near his _petite_ palace. He lent it to Boulanger, and there he lived
+the life of an exiled monarch. The place has never been touched since he
+walked out of it. In the stateroom, in which he received political
+deputations of his supporters from France, the chairs were arranged in a
+semi-circle round the table at which he sat when he received the last
+one. On the blotter was his speech, and a sheet of paper on which was
+written the address of the retreat. This was given to me, and here I
+reproduce it:--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+We had coffee on the balcony, served out of china which had on it his
+monogram, and silver spoons with his crest. I did not pocket the
+spoons, nor the powder-puff of Madame, and other relics lying about; the
+rooms remained as they were left, even to gowns in the wardrobe. The
+delightful garden, cut out of the rocks, had run wild. The grapes hung
+in clusters, the flowers were one mass of colour, the paths were covered
+with grass. Below stood the summer-house where Madame drank her tea. In
+one corner on a wall was a small target with revolver bullet marks all
+over it, the result of the General's practice, when possibly he used the
+same revolver which he turned upon himself at the tomb of Madame de
+Bonnemain, in the cemetery at Ixelles, Brussels.
+
+[Illustration: A NOTE ON MY MENU.]
+
+It would be impossible for me in a short chapter to deal with all the
+interesting dinners and other entertainments I have attended; but I must
+confess that I was immensely flattered by a lunch given to me in
+Washington by the Rev. Dr. Wesley R. Davis, the well-known Albany
+preacher, who had retired from the pulpit and become an official of the
+Postal Department in Washington.
+
+The novelty of this lunch was the idea of the chairman to sandwich each
+course with a story. We began with some very fine and large Lynhaven
+oysters. We English, with one exception, have no appreciation of the
+size of these huge American oysters. That one exception was Thackeray.
+And I may safely say that I never sat down to a meal in America and
+expressed my surprise at the size of the oysters (which I purposely did)
+but that someone told me what Thackeray said of them. On this occasion I
+was told the story by none other than General Horace Porter, one of the
+best if not the greatest of all _raconteurs_ in the United States. Here
+it is:
+
+"You know what Thackeray said when he first saw one of our
+oysters,--that he felt in eating it he was swallowing a new-born baby."
+
+[Illustration: REMARKABLE AND MUCH TALKED OF LUNCH TO ME AT WASHINGTON.
+THE AUTOGRAPHS ON BACK OF MENU.]
+
+After the green turtle Mr. Willard, the well-known actor, was called
+upon, and related a brace of capital theatrical stories.
+
+After Carolina shad and _pommes Parisienne_ I was called to my legs. Now
+there is nothing so depressing as telling stories or making speeches at
+two o'clock in the afternoon. General Porter remarked that he could
+never tell a story till after eleven o'clock at night. He managed,
+however, to tell several of his best on this occasion. As the gallant
+General will tell them again, and I trust many times, I shall not
+publish them here. Mine are not worth repeating. As I said, I felt at
+the moment something like a well-known literary celebrity distinguished
+for his capital Scotch tales and his conversational brevity. He was
+invited to meet the late James Payn, who had expressed such a strong
+desire to make his acquaintance that he agreed to dine at the Reform
+Club (which he had not done for a considerable time), and this was only
+arranged by their giving him the same waiter and allowing him to sit at
+the same table he was in the habit of having at lunch every day. The
+others were Sir Wemyss Reid and Sir John Robinson, of the _Daily News_.
+The four enjoyed a capital dinner. Payn, Sir Wemyss and Sir John were at
+their best, but the guest never made a remark. However, towards the end
+of the dinner, he put his knife and fork down, looked round, and said,
+"This is the very first time in my life I have sat down with three
+editors." This was all his conversation.
+
+I was referring to the fact that brevity is the soul of wit, and that
+the Scotch author's remark about the three editors expressed my fear in
+addressing so many members of the Government as were present.
+
+Then came the pheasant, and before we had quite relished the excellence
+of the celery salad that favourite American comedian, W. H. Crane, mixed
+a salad of stories which were highly relished. I shall pass over his
+theatrical stories and select two which followed, and which are so
+typical of American humour, that I give them in full.
+
+A poor man on tramp in the country one fine July day staggered in an
+exhausted state into the garden of a rich old lady, and falling on his
+hands and knees on the grass plot at the feet of the lady, pulled
+himself along biting at the grass like a half-starved animal.
+
+"My good man," the lady said, "why do you eat the grass in that way? Are
+you really so hungry?"
+
+"Madam," cried the man, looking up, "I am starving!"
+
+"Poor man, poor man!" remarked the lady, with a look of pity. "My eyes
+fill with tears--my heart bleeds for you. Go round to the kitchen door,
+go round to the kitchen door, the grass is longer there!"
+
+The other referred to the darkie railway hand who had by degrees worked
+into a position at the depot (pronounced day-po, de-pot or de-poo),
+where he strutted about in a costume embellished with gold lace. An
+English tourist (oh, those poor fools--English tourists!) was standing
+by the rails as an express train flew past at ninety miles an
+hour--s-c-h-w-r-r-r-r! and in a second was lost to sight.
+
+"Ah!" remarked the English tourist to the gentleman of colour. "The--ah,
+train--ah, didn't--ah, stop--ah, here--ah!"
+
+"No sir, nebber eben hesitated!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+On May the 17th, 1888, I gave a dinner at the Garrick Club to my
+fellow-workers on _Punch_, and others,--a merry meeting of twenty-four.
+Mr. F. C. Burnand was at the other end of the table, and as the _souffle
+glace aux fleurs d'oranges_ heralded the near approach of the end of the
+dinner I noticed a mischievous look in Burnand's eyes, and it struck me
+he intended to make a speech! As there was no "object" in my giving the
+dinner except a purely social one,--in fact to reciprocate the
+hospitality of some present whom I could not ask to my house in
+consequence of my wife's long illness,--I naturally felt extremely
+anxious when I saw that Mr. Burnand intended introducing speeches. I had
+sent a message to him that I wished for none. My evening would be spoilt
+by speeches, and even the witticisms of Burnand could not save it--yet
+he was incorrigible. I must pay him back! A happy thought struck me as
+he was speaking. I sent for note-paper. I, unobserved, tore it into
+strips and slipped the pieces into my breast-pocket. When I rose I acted
+being extremely nervous, assured my friends that I had implored the
+"Vice" not to introduce speeches, and with (true) feeling implored them
+not to credit the "chicken and champagne" the "Vice" had more than
+hinted at, and of course said I was unaccustomed to speaking, etc. I
+then fumbled about my pockets, and nervously produced my "notes,"
+carefully laying them out in a long column in front of me. My guests
+looked with pity upon me, and their dismay was evident when I began as
+follows: "I was born--I was born--in 1854. I--I----" (break down). Note
+No. 2. "I came to London--I came to London----"
+
+"Hear, hear," murmured the sufferers.
+
+Another collapse,--I sought other "notes." "Art--art--Greek art----"
+
+"Hear, hear, ha, ha!" (They were beginning to guy me!)
+
+"_Punch_----" (another painful pause). "Gentlemen, _Punch_----"
+
+"Yes, yes, we know all about that!"
+
+"Yes," I said, "but, gentlemen, before that toast is honoured I beg to
+propose to you a toast. The toast, always the _premier_ toast in every
+gathering composed of English gentlemen." The joke was then mine. In the
+most perfunctory and glib manner I gave the Royal Toast. After it was
+duly honoured I gave the second Loyal Toast, "The House of Lords," "The
+Houses of Parliament," "The Army, Navy and Reserve Forces,"--each time
+calling upon some one or two to respond. The reply for "The Navy," I
+recollect, fell to Sir Spencer Wells, who was originally in the Navy.
+(The Army had a legitimate representative.) We had Law, Art, Letters,
+Music, the Medical Profession, Commerce, the Colonies, America
+(responded to by E. A. Abbey)--in fact we had no fewer than twenty-four
+toasts; twenty-four or more replies. But this was only the first round!
+I was determined to keep the speeches going and not to let Burnand say
+another word. So I passed him over, and ignoring his appeals from the
+chair, I got through--or very nearly through--another score of speeches,
+reinforced by Toole and others coming in after the theatres, until the
+closure was moved and the meeting adjourned.
+
+Burnand and I rode to Mill Hill and back the next morning, and he had to
+admit I had utterly routed him. The victory was mine!
+
+To keep up the flow of oratory in the second series of speeches I had to
+call upon my guests to speak to a different toast from the one they
+replied to earlier. This added to the fun. But the best-regulated
+humour, such as Burnand's introductory speech, often gives a false
+impression. For instance, I actually managed to get Charles Keene on to
+his legs,--I think I am right in saying the only occasion on which he
+ever spoke. I coupled his name with "Open Spaces" (Sir Robert Hunter,
+the champion of "open spaces," had responded the first time). It struck
+me that I was paying Keene a compliment when I referred to his
+marvellous talent in depicting commons and fields and vast spaces in his
+unequalled drawings of landscapes.
+
+"Umph! Furniss, I see, chaffs me about leaving so much white in my
+work--not filled up with little figures like his."
+
+And I do not think he ever understood I intended to compliment him.
+
+Towards the end I received a memorandum in pencil on a soiled piece of
+paper:
+
+[Illustration]
+
+And he walked in--dear old Toole in an old coat.
+
+I have given many another sociable dinner, but none with greater success
+than this at which I turned Burnand's accidentally unhappy speech into a
+Happy Thought.
+
+When I was offered the chairmanship of the dinner of the London Thirteen
+Club, it was with a light heart that I accepted. I was under the
+impression that the dinner was to be a private kind of affair--a small
+knot of men endowed with common sense meeting to express their contempt
+for ignorant and harmful superstition. I had already had the honour of
+being elected an honorary member of the Club, but somehow or other I had
+never attended any of its gatherings, nor had I met with one of its
+members.
+
+[Illustration: THIRTEEN CLUB BANQUET. THE TABLE DECORATIONS.]
+
+When the time came, it was with a heavy heart that I fulfilled my
+promise. This Thirteen Club idea, which hails from America, had in the
+meantime been "boomed," as our cousins across the Herring Pond would put
+it, into an affair of great magnitude. It was taken up by the Press, and
+paragraphs, leaderettes and leaders appeared in nearly every journal all
+over the country. This is the style of paragraph I received through a
+Press cutting agency from numberless papers:--
+
+"Mr. W. H. Blanch, who has been elected President of the London Thirteen
+Club for the year 1894, is the promoter of an organised protest against
+the popular superstition which led to the formation of the Thirteen Club
+four years ago. In his new position as President, Mr. Blanch has
+evidently resolved upon a more vigorous and aggressive campaign than
+that which has hitherto characterised the operations of the Club, for
+the New Year's dinner which is announced to take place on Saturday, the
+13th of January, promises to be something altogether unique as a social
+gathering. Mr. Harry Furniss, one of the hon. members of the Club, will
+preside at this dinner, which is announced to take place at the Holborn
+Restaurant, and in room No. 13. The members and their friends will
+occupy 13 tables, with of course 13 at each table, and perhaps needless
+to say peacock feathers will abound, whilst the knives and forks will be
+crossed, and any quantity of salt will be split. During the evening the
+toastmaster on this somewhat memorable occasion, instead of informing
+the assembled company that the Chairman will be happy to take wine with
+them, will vary this stereotyped declaration by announcing that the
+Chairman will be happy to spill salt with them. The Club salt-cellars,
+it is stated, are coffin-shaped, whilst the best 'dim religious light'
+obtainable from skull-shaped lamps will light up the banqueting-hall,
+before entering which the company will pass under the Club ladder. Other
+details too gruesome to mention will perhaps only be revealed to the
+company who will sit down to this weird feast, which promises to make a
+record, nothing of the kind having yet been attempted in London."
+
+[Illustration: MR. W. H. BLANCH.]
+
+These paragraphs rather frightened me. What had I let myself in for?
+Where would it all end?
+
+Then other notices, inspired no doubt by the President, made their
+appearance from time to time, and heaped upon my devoted head all manner
+of responsibilities. Waiters suffering from obliquity of vision were to
+be sought out and fastened on to me:
+
+"The Secretary of the London Thirteen Club has requested the manager of
+the Holborn Restaurant to provide, if possible, cross-eyed waiters on
+the occasion of the New Year's dinner of the Club over which Mr. Harry
+Furniss is announced to preside on the 13th inst. Mr. Hamp, the manager,
+while undertaking that the Chairman's table shall be waitered as
+requested, has grave doubts whether the supply of waiters blessed in the
+way described will be equal to the large demand so suddenly sprung upon
+him."
+
+[Illustration: THE BROKEN LOOKING-GLASS.]
+
+[Illustration: THE BADGE.]
+
+Other dreadful proposals there were, too, "too gruesome to mention." I
+may at once frankly admit that I do not like the introduction of the
+"gruesome" graveyard element. The ladder we all had to walk under, the
+peacock's feathers, the black cat, the spilling of salt, breaking of
+mirrors, presenting of knives, wearing of green ties (not that I wore
+one--the colour doesn't suit my complexion) or opal rings, are fair fun,
+and I think that in future it would be as well to limit the satire to
+these ceremonies, to the exclusion of the funereal part of the business.
+For badges each wore in his button-hole a small coffin to which dangled
+a skeleton, and peacock's feathers. In my opinion the peacock's feathers
+would have been sufficient for the purpose of the Club: the only object
+I had in going to the dinner was to help to prove that these stupid
+superstitions should be killed by ridicule. I detest Humbug, and
+Superstition is but another name for Humbug. I am a believer in
+cremation, but that is no reason why I should hold up to ridicule the
+clumsier and more unhealthy churchyard burials about which so much
+sentiment exists.
+
+It was amusing to note my absent superstitious friends' excuses for
+their non-appearance. One declined because he had an important
+engagement that he could not possibly put off on any account. Late on
+the evening of the dinner I heard this same gentleman grumbling because
+no one had turned up at his club to play a game of billiards with him!
+Another had fallen asleep and did not wake in time, and a third had been
+unlucky with his speculations of late, which he attributed to having
+seen the new moon through glass, and therefore he declined to tempt the
+fates further. Mr. George R. Sims, the well-known "Dagonet," betrayed
+sheer fright, as the following letter will testify:
+
+     "MY DEAR SIR,--At the last moment my courage fails me, and I return
+     the dinner ticket you have so kindly sent me.
+
+     "If I had only myself to think of, I would gladly come and defy the
+     fates, and do all that the members are pleased to do except wear
+     the green necktie suggested by my friend Mr. Sala (that would not
+     suit my complexion). But I have others to think of--dogs and cats
+     and horses--who if anything happened to me would be alone in the
+     world.
+
+     "For their sakes I must not run the risks that a faithful carrying
+     out of your programme implies.
+
+     "Trusting that nothing very terrible will happen to any of you in
+     after life,
+
+                                "Believe me,
+                                     "Sincerely yours,
+                                           "(Signed) GEO. R. SIMS."
+
+I confess my real and only reason was to protest. In England
+superstition is harmlessly idiotic, but elsewhere it is cruel and
+brutal, and a committee should be formed to try the lunatics--everyday
+men of the world--who suffer from it, for there is no doubt that they
+and their families are made miserable through superstitious belief.
+Nothing kills like ridicule, and it is the Club's object by this means
+to kill superstition. Some, like Mr. Andrew Lang, may think it a pity
+to interfere with this humbug, but I venture to think it is a charity
+when one considers the absurdity of educated men of the present day
+making themselves unhappy through the stupid nonsense of the dark ages.
+For instance, take two of my most intimate friends. One in particular
+suffered in mind and body through having a supposed fatal number. This
+number was 56, and as he approached that age he felt that that year
+would be his last. Fancy that for a man of the world, who is also a
+public man, and a member of the Government at the time of the dinner! He
+was also a charming companion and a delightful friend, and no man I knew
+had a wider circle of acquaintance. I happened to accompany him in a six
+weeks' tour on the Continent during the year he believed fatal to him,
+or perhaps it may have been the year previous; anyway, he was suffering
+from that horrible complaint, superstition. He first made me aware of it
+the night we arrived in Paris by thumping at my door in a terrible state
+to implore me to change rooms with him--his number was 56, and it
+terrified him! Next day we travelled in a carriage numbered 56, and my
+friend was miserable. At the theatre his seat was 56, the ticket for his
+coat was 56, 56 was the number of the first shop he entered to buy some
+trifle I suggested to him. Indeed, I may at once confess that I took
+care that 56 should crop up as often as possible, as I thought that that
+would be the best way to cure the patient. Not a bit of it; he got
+worse, and was really ill until his 56th birthday was passed.
+
+[Illustration: SQUINT-EYED WAITER.]
+
+To take the chair at this "most unique" banquet, as the papers styled
+it, was no easy task, and to be waited upon by cross-eyed menials was
+quite enough to make a sensitive, imitative being like myself very
+nervous. Some of this band of gentlemen who had neglected to go to the
+Ophthalmic Hospital seemed to consider that their being bought up for
+the occasion was a great honour, and one youth in particular, with black
+hair, a large sharp nose--and oh! such a squint!--whose duty it was to
+open the door of the reception-room, at which I stood to receive the
+guests as they arrived, was positively proud of his unfortunate
+disfigurement, and every time he opened the door he flashed his weirdly
+set eyes upon me to such an extent that I felt myself unintentionally
+squinting at every guest I shook hands with.
+
+When dinner was served a huge looking-glass was flung at my feet, where
+it shattered into a thousand fragments with a tremendous crash, giving
+one a shock so far removed from any superstitious feeling as to act on
+one as an appetiser before dinner.
+
+Then whilst everybody else is enjoying his dinner without let or
+hindrance, the poor Chairman has to hold himself prepared for various
+surprises. Telegrams of all sorts and descriptions were handed to me.
+
+But perhaps the most interesting of all the postal and telegraph
+deliveries brought me during the dinner was a letter from my old and
+valued friend "'Arry" of _Punch_, who had accepted an invitation, and
+was to have proposed the health of the Chairman, but unfortunately was
+laid up with a sore throat:
+
+     "Try and make my kind and would-be hosts understand that as 'Arry
+     would say, there is 'no kid about this.' I enclose a few doggerel
+     verses penned painfully on a pad perched on a pillow, which--if you
+     can read 'em--you are welcome to do so.
+
+       "My elbow's sore
+       And so no more
+       At present, from yore
+       Old friend (and bore)
+
+                  "E. J. MILLIKEN."
+
+Here is the "painfully-penned" doggerel:--
+
+                                          "13 _Jany._, 1894.
+
+  "THE LOST (VOCAL) CHORDS.
+
+  "Lying to-day on my pillow, I am weary and ill at ease,
+  And the Gargles fail to soothe me,
+  And the Inhalations tease. I know not what is the matter;
+  To swallow is perfect pain,
+  And my Vocal Chords seem palsied!--
+  Shall I ever use them again?
+
+  "So I _can't_ propose your health, friend,
+  Or drink to the 'Thirteen's' luck.
+ _I_ must dine on--Eucalyptus,
+  And Sulphur, or some such muck.
+ _I_ have no Salt to be spilling;
+ _My_ only knife is a spoon;
+  And I have not the smallest notion
+  If there is, or isn't, a Moon!
+
+  "But I picture you on your legs, there,
+  And the 'Thirteens' ranged around;
+  And I feel I _could_ sound your praises,
+  If these Vocal Chords _would_ sound.
+  But I know that in guttural gurgling
+  The point of my jokes you would miss;
+  If I tried to lead the cheers, friend,
+ _My_ 'hooray' you'd take for a hiss.
+
+  "So 'tis just as well as it is, friend,
+  And doubtless 'the other chap'
+  Will do you the fullest justice;
+  So I'll turn and try for a nap.
+  But before I resume my gargle,
+  And my throttle with unguents rub,
+  I'll drink--in a glass of Thirteen port--
+  To the health of the 'Thirteen Club.'
+
+  "It may be that some bright Thirteenth
+  They may ask me to Dinner again;
+  It may be I then shall be able
+  To speak without perfect pain.
+  It may be my unstrung larynx
+  May speak once again _with words_:
+  For the present, excuse me--along of
+  My poor Lost (Vocal) Chords!!!"
+
+I was relieved and amused to find one present even a little more
+embarrassed than myself. He was a rotund, happy-looking man of the
+world, and he had to sit isolated during part of the dinner, as his
+guests were afraid to attend the uncanny banquet. However, the
+Secretary, being a man of resource, ordered two of the cross-eyed
+attendants to fill the vacant places. I shall never forget the face of
+the poor man sandwiched between them. During the course of the dinner
+the black-edged business card of an "Undertaker and Funeral Furnisher,"
+of Theobald's Road, Bloomsbury, was brought to me. Under the impression
+that he had supplied the coffin-shaped salt-cellars, and wished to be
+paid for them, I sent to enquire his business, whereupon the undertaker
+sent me in the following telegram he had just received from Cambridge:
+
+     "Call upon Harry Furniss this evening Holborn Restaurant Thirteen
+     Club Dinner for orders _re_ funeral arrangements."
+
+[Illustration: COFFINS, SIR!]
+
+The receiver of the telegram, I learnt from his card, had been in
+business fifty-four years, but evidently this was the first time he had
+been the victim of this Theodore Hookish joke. I called the funeral
+furnisher in. Unobserved by the green-tied guests and the cross-eyed
+waiters, he walked through the banqueting hall, and as soon as he
+arrived at the chair, black-gloved, hat in hand, with the ominous foot
+rule projecting from the pocket of his funereal overcoat, I stood up and
+introduced him to the company, read the telegram, and invited him to go
+round the tables and take the orders. Whether it was that the man of
+coffins met the gaze of any particularly cross-eyed waiter, or was
+overcome by the laughter called forth by my solemn request--an outbreak
+foreign to the ears of a gentleman of his calling--I know not, but he
+promptly vanished. Later in the evening a request came from him for a
+present of one of the coffin-shaped salt-cellars, and no doubt the one I
+sent him will adorn his window for another fifty-four years, to the
+delight of the Cambridge undergraduates whose little joke was so
+successful.
+
+[Illustration: THE CHAIRMAN WILL BE PLEASED TO SPILL SALT WITH YOU.
+_From the "St. James's Budget."_]
+
+In place of the old-fashioned formula, "The Chairman will be pleased to
+drink wine with the gentlemen on his right," and then on his left, the
+Toastmaster had to announce that the Chairman would be pleased to "spill
+salt" with those on his right, etc.; but force of habit was too strong,
+and "drink wine" came out, and although this was corrected, it was
+strange that in some cases the guests held up their glasses and did not
+spill salt. Of course, throwing salt over the shoulder was prohibited;
+that superstitious operation would have been sufficient to disqualify
+any member.
+
+Beside each member was placed a looking-glass, and in the course of the
+evening it went forth that "The Chairman will be pleased to shiver
+looking-glasses with the members," and smash! smash! went the
+mercury-coated glass all over the tables.
+
+It then fell to me to present each of the thirteen chairmen with a
+pen-knife, refusing of course the customary coin in return. I was
+presented with a ferocious-looking knife, with a multiplicity of blades
+and other adjuncts, which I treasure as a memento of the dinner.
+
+[Illustration: A KNIFE I WAS PRESENTED WITH.]
+
+These are a few trifles I had to deal with in addition to the usual
+toasts, and I fervently trust it may never again be my lot to be called
+upon to take the chair at a "unique banquet" entailing such surprises
+and shocks and so many speeches:
+
+I proposed the loyal toast as follows:--
+
+     The
+     Queen
+     Prince
+     and
+     Princess
+     of
+     Wales
+     and
+     rest
+     of
+     the
+     Royal
+     Family
+     13
+
+I had a point to make, but forgot it (oh, those squinting waiters!),
+showing that 1894 was a very unlucky year. However, any mathematician
+could prove that '94 = 9 + 4 = 13. _Q.E.D._ I might also have really
+utilised only thirteen words in giving the toast of the evening, as
+follows:
+
+     Enemies
+     of
+     Superstition
+     Ignorance
+     and
+     Humbug
+     drink
+     success
+     to
+     The
+     London
+     Thirteen
+     Club
+     -------
+     13
+     -------
+     -------
+
+On my way to the Thirteen Club Dinner I met a well-known _Punch_ artist,
+also a keen man of the world. I invited him. He started with horror.
+"Not for worlds! I _am_ superstitious--never more so than at this
+moment. Why, do you know that this has been a most unlucky month with
+me? Everything has gone wrong, and I'll tell you why. The other night I
+woke up and went to my bedroom window to see what kind of a night it
+was--rash, stupid fool that I was! What do you think I saw?" "A
+burglar?" "Not a bit of it--I wouldn't have cared a pin for a brace of
+'em. I saw the new moon through glass! That's why everything's gone
+wrong with me. What a fool I was!" "What a fool you _are_!" I
+ejaculated, as I jumped into a hansom for room 13, recalling to mind
+that my fellow-worker was not the only humorist who has been
+superstitious.
+
+Albert Smith, the well-known author and entertainer, was very
+superstitious, and a curious incident has been related me by a friend
+who was present one night when Smith startled his friends by a most
+extraordinary instance of his fear of the supernatural. It was in the
+smoking-room of the old Fielding Club, on New Year's Eve, 1854. The
+bells were just ringing in the New Year when Smith suddenly started up
+and cried, "We are thirteen! Ring, ring for a waiter, or some of us will
+die before the year is out!" Before the attendant arrived the fatal New
+Year came in, and Smith's cup of bitterness was full to overflowing. Out
+of curiosity my friend wrote the names of all those present in his
+pocket-book. Half of them were ordered to the Crimean War, and fought
+throughout the campaign. No doubt Smith eagerly scanned the lists of
+killed and wounded in the papers, for as the waiter did not arrive in
+time to break the unlucky number, one of them was sure to meet his
+death. However, all the officers returned safe and sound, and most of
+them are alive now. The first man to depart this life was Albert Smith
+himself, and this did not happen until six and a half years afterwards.
+
+Correspondence from the superstitious and anti-superstitious poured in
+upon me. But I select a note received by the President some time before
+the dinner as the most interesting:
+
+     "CHRISTIANIA, NORWAY.
+
+     "SIR,--I see you are going to have an anniversary dinner on the
+     13th of this month, and I take the liberty to send you the
+     following:
+
+     "In 1873, March 20th, I left Liverpool in the steamship _Atlantic_,
+     then bound for New York. On the 13th day, the 1st of April, we went
+     on the rocks near Halifax, Nova Scotia. Out of nearly 1,000 human
+     beings, 580 were frozen to death or drowned.
+
+     "The first day out from Liverpool some ladies at my table
+     discovered that we were thirteen, and in their consternation
+     requested their gentleman-companion to move to another table. Out
+     of the entire thirteen, I was the only one that was saved. I was
+     asked at the time if I did not believe in the unlucky number
+     thirteen. I told them I did not. In this case the believers were
+     all lost and the unbeliever saved.
+
+     "Out of the first-cabin passengers saved, I was one of the thirteen
+     saved.
+
+     "At the North-Western Hotel, in Liverpool, there can be found
+     thirteen names in the book of passengers that left in the
+     _Atlantic_ on the 20th of March, 1873, for New York; amongst them
+     my own. Every one of those passengers except myself were lost.
+
+     "Now, if these memorandums about the number thirteen--by one that
+     does not believe in it--is of any interest to you, it will please
+     me very much.
+
+                          "I am, yours very truly,
+                                        "N. BRANDT.
+                                            "9, KONGENS GADE."
+
+It is absurd to say that I have been unlucky since presiding at that
+dinner. On the contrary, I have been most lucky--I have never presided
+at another!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF AN EDITOR.
+
+     Editors--Publishers--An Offer--Why I Refused it--The _Pall Mall
+     Budget_--_Lika Joko_--The _New Budget_--The Truth about my
+     Enterprises--_Au Revoir_!
+
+
+Only the fortunate--or should we not rather say the unfortunate?--man
+who has made up his mind to produce a journal of his own can have the
+very faintest conception of the work and worry, the pains and penalties,
+the hopes and fears, the anxiety and exasperation, involved in the
+process. I have gone through it all, and perhaps something more than all
+by comparison with other people in the same peculiar predicament. For
+weeks before the promised periodical sees the light the unfortunate
+proprietor feels himself to be a very Atlas supporting Heaven knows how
+many cosmic schemes.
+
+The first editor of my acquaintance was a little boy in knickerbockers,
+with a lavish profusion of auburn locks, an old-fashioned physiognomy, a
+wiry if diminutive frame, and a quick, nervous temperament, whose
+youthful eyes had beheld the suns of fourteen summers.
+
+My last editor is one whose physique would be commonly qualified by the
+adjective _podgy_, of a full face, but with head somewhat depleted of
+its capillary adornments, for which deprivation it has to thank the
+snows of six-and-forty winters.
+
+Our intimacy has been of long standing, for my first and last editor is
+one and the same being--the present writer.
+
+From the day that I, as a little schoolboy, seated on the uncompromising
+school-form looked upon as a necessary adjunct to the inception of
+knowledge, produced in MS. and for private circulation only my first
+journalistic attempt, up to the present moment, I can confidently assert
+that during my varied experience I never was brought into contact with
+a more interesting set of men than those I have seen stretched upon the
+editorial rack.
+
+The primary requirements which tend to make up the composition of an
+editor are good health, an impenetrably thick skin, and the best of
+humour. Secondly, he must be able to command experience, a thirst for
+work, and the power of application; and, thirdly, he must possess tact
+and discretion. A universal and comprehensive knowledge of human nature
+must also be his, for not only has he to be capable of judging and
+humouring the overstrung men and women of talent with whom he
+deals--those fragile, sensitive flowers from whom he extracts the honey
+wherewith to gratify the palate of a journalistically epicurean
+public--but he must also have a thorough knowledge of that public to
+enable him to direct those who work for him, for they, shut up in their
+studies and studios, may not realise that the man at the look-out has to
+weather the storms of public opinion, of which they reck little if it be
+that what they work at may be to their own liking, albeit unpalatable to
+those whom they seek to feed.
+
+Like poets, editors are born, not made. An editor may make a paper, but
+a paper never made an editor. But as to the commercial success or
+failure of a periodical, the editor is absolutely a nonentity. There are
+two sides to the production of a periodical: one is the business side,
+the other the editorial. The success or failure of a periodical depends
+almost entirely upon the business manager.
+
+One of the youngest and most successful newspaper proprietors once
+called me a fool. I wrote and asked him why. We had an interview. He
+said frankly: "You are a fool, in my opinion, for producing too good an
+article for the money. The public does not appreciate good work, and you
+will never make a commercial success of your paper. Your staff is too
+good; your printing is too good; your paper is too good. I am a success
+because I know where to buy paper cheap and sell it for a profit. I have
+thirty publications, but their names, their contents, writing, or art I
+never think about, nor does the public either. We ink something on the
+paper, and sell it at so much a pound profit."
+
+But I had nothing whatever to do with the commercial side of the
+arrangements connected with ventures associated with my name. Ah! how
+little the public know what goes on behind the scenes in the newspaper
+world! If you stop a publication with which your name is associated,
+everyone at once, very properly, dubs you a failure. As what? An editor,
+of course. That is the mistake, the injustice. How many periodicals have
+the most talked of publishers started and stopped? Scores of them. Yet
+are they therefore failures? No, no more than the manager of a theatre
+is who produces a piece which runs a night or two and comes off. He
+still has his theatre, and other plays. So is it in the publishing
+world.
+
+It is the isolated editor, without the machinery of a big office, or the
+head of the man of commerce,--if he stops, from whatever cause, his one
+effort is the failure! The "successful publisher" stops a dozen new
+ventures in the same time, and he is still considered successful. A
+publisher is very much like a conjuror: he must start two or three
+tricks, so that if one is likely to go wrong he can draw the attention
+of the public off it by another, and the first is quickly dropped or
+reintroduced under another name. My one mistake in publishing was that
+having started a success, _Lika Joko_, I let it drop to take up another.
+But let my confessions on this subject be brief and in order.
+
+Before I had any notion of leaving _Punch_ I had conceived an idea for a
+monthly magazine to be called _Lika Joko; Harry Furniss's Monthly_, and
+had already had a number of drawings engraved, specimen copies printed,
+and had gone to great expense in the preliminary work. Of course, the
+_Punch_ men were to be the chief contributors, and Mr. E.J. Milliken was
+writing a great deal, and Mr. Bernard Partridge was illustrating for me.
+Shortly afterwards I retired from the staff of _Punch_. I was then
+approached by the proprietors of an influential daily and weekly paper
+to edit a sixpenny high-class weekly, and they offered to put down
+L50,000 at once. This I would have willingly accepted, but it so
+happened that just at that time Mr. Astor reconstructed the _Pall Mall
+Budget_, regardless of expense--an extravagance with which no other
+paper could compete. In these circumstances I declined the offer. I soon
+found many friends to support me if I would start a paper connected
+solely with my name, but wishing to have the largest risk myself I took
+the largest share (over L5,000 in cash), and allowed a few to join me.
+It was decided to drop the idea of a monthly and make it a humorous
+weekly.
+
+
+LIKA JOKO.
+
+That name was originated some years before by Mr. Burnand and myself
+jointly in a chaffing conversation. It was universally connected with
+me, but as it has been said that I had no right to use it, I here
+reproduce a document that settles any doubt on that point:
+
+     "This is to certify that Harry Furniss has the sole right to use
+     the name of 'Lika Joko.' That he is at liberty to use it in any way
+     he wishes, and no one else can adopt or utilise the name without
+     his permission.
+
+                       "(Signed) F.C. BURNAND, Editor of _Punch_.
+                                              "PHILIP LESLIE AGNEW,
+                                                 "For the Proprietors."
+
+Wishing to be certain that the name "Lika Joko" was a wise one, I was
+advised to consult the leading editor of our largest publishing house.
+Strange to say, when I called he had on his wall rows of titles of
+publications under consideration. He looked at mine, and thought the
+matter over, then shook hands and told me there was a fortune in the
+title alone.
+
+A few years afterwards I heard to my dismay that the same great man
+declared the title I had selected was a fatal mistake!
+
+The first friend I consulted about capital suggested L20,000. He was
+very rich, but said that he would only put cash in equal to what I
+myself would. I put down L5,000, and he followed suit. I subsequently
+added more. The rest of the capital was found by various friends.
+
+My friends subsequently said that as I supplied the editorial brains I
+ought not to have supplied the largest share of the capital!
+
+I was requested by my friends to introduce a business man, accustomed to
+publishing, and leave all business arrangements to him. My friends
+brought in two. Yet I am held responsible for the business arrangements
+made!
+
+Few new periodicals have caused more interest. The scene at the railway
+stations and book-stalls was unparalleled. We could not print quick
+enough to supply the demand. 140,000 copies went off in a few
+days--which, for a threepenny humorous journal, is a record.
+
+It is said I wrote the journal myself. I never wrote one line in it from
+the first number to the last. I had the best writers money could
+procure, and I venture to say it was the best-written paper of its class
+ever produced in England.
+
+It is said I illustrated it all myself!
+
+I had in the _first number_ alone George du Maurier, Bernard Partridge,
+Fred Barnard, A. C. Corbould, W. Ralston, J. F. Sullivan, G. Ashton, W.
+D. Almond, J. B. Yeats, and myself. Ten artists!--eight of whom have
+contributed to _Punch_. In subsequent numbers I added work by Sir Frank
+Lockwood, Arthur Hopkins, Gordon Browne, W. Maud, W. F. Thomas, C.
+Richardson, Louis Wain, G. Montbard, James Greig, "Rab," Max Cowper, J.
+H. Roberts, Rene Bull, S. Adamson, J. E. Donnison, W. H. Overend,
+Charles Burton Barber, A. T. Elwes, Hal Hurst, F. Miller, E. F. Skinner,
+George Morrow, J. Jellicoe, A. Greenbank, and others--in all nearly
+forty artists, and this in six months!
+
+I have another inaccuracy to nail to the counter of Dame False Rumour's
+shop. That I stopped _Lika Joko_ because it was a failure.
+
+The facts about this incident are brief and instructive.
+
+Mr. Astor stopped his artistic weekly, the _Pall Mall Budget_, suddenly.
+It so happened it was printed in the same office as _Lika Joko_. This
+very paper, which had prevented me accepting the editorship of the
+proposed new sixpenny weekly paper, and had driven me into publishing a
+threepenny weekly, was "put to bed" (to use a printer's phrase) week
+after week side by side with mine. I was sent for one Saturday morning.
+The expensive sixpenny child was to die that day. Could I not adopt it?
+There was a chance--splendid circulation, splendid returns for
+advertisements.
+
+Why then does Mr. Astor discontinue it?
+
+Because, I was told, Mrs. Astor had just died,--it was so dear to her
+that Mr. Astor felt he could not continue it, for purely sentimental
+reasons.
+
+This was pathetically explained to me. It was so natural. Yet why should
+such a splendid paper cease when I had a large proprietor with capital
+waiting to start one? I was the man. So I was told, and so I believed,
+and so I proved to be. Not a moment was to be lost. I was with Sir
+George Lewis. Has Mr. Astor any objection? He thought certainly not.
+
+I therefore engaged the same staff, the same printers, the same paper
+and machines were used. The paper, with the exception that the title was
+changed from the _Pall Mall_ to the _New Budget_, came out in four
+days--the following Wednesday morning. Sir William Ingram was the first
+to purchase a copy. The whole edition was sold out before sunset. I have
+been assured that this was the smartest journalistic feat on record.
+
+I then sought the people whom I had advised not to oppose this very
+paper, but they were on the Continent. I would bring it out and await
+their return. They did return. But it unfortunately happened that in the
+meantime they had speculated in one of those American imported "booms"
+of illustrated literature and lost!
+
+_Lika Joko_ came out too, and I immediately met all the members of my
+company and placed both papers before them, my _New Budget_ and our
+joint property _Lika Joko_. The result was the following announcement in
+the next week's issue of the latter:
+
+
+"A FAREWELL FABLE.
+
+"Once upon a time there was a wealthy shipowner who possessed one of the
+best vessels on the seas. Her name was the _Pall Mall Budget_. Week
+after week she left port, well manned, well rigged, laden with
+passengers, and made a prosperous voyage. No vessel in her own line was
+better built and appointed, and gradually she drew away those people who
+once had travelled by her rivals, and carried them herself.
+
+"And then, one day, without assigning any reason, the shipowner forbade
+her ever again to leave port, and nothing could shake his resolve.
+
+"Now, there was at this time also afloat a merry little passenger boat
+which made a weekly cruise in waters only occasionally entered by the
+larger vessel, and her name was _Lika Joko_. No sooner did the news of
+the great shipowner's decision reach the ears of the captain of the
+_Lika Joko_ than he made all sail for port, drew up alongside of the
+_Pall Mall Budget_, and boarded her.
+
+"Then he asked her captain and crew, who were all regretful at the loss
+of their vessel, if they would put to sea again in a vessel built by
+himself, as like the _Pall Mall Budget_ as might be, but, if anything,
+swifter, more trim, with later improvements to make the passage easier
+and more entertaining to all on board. And they agreed.
+
+"Forthwith he set about giving his orders, and so heartily did everyone
+work that a week later, in fair weather, and to the surprise of all
+spectators, this vessel, which was christened the _New Budget_, crossed
+the harbour bar and made one of the best passages on record, leaving the
+competing craft far behind, and carrying on board not only the old
+passengers of the _Pall Mall Budget_, but those of the _Lika Joko_ as
+well, and many new ones. 'Henceforth,' said the captain of the _Lika
+Joko_, who had now become the captain of the _New Budget_, 'we will set
+our sails every Thursday morning.'"
+
+Little did I think the change was a fable. I had not long to wait to
+find I had been utterly deceived. According to Mr. Astor, his reason for
+his stopping his expensive paper was not as stated! As soon as I
+discovered this I called together my friends, and as they would have to
+supply a huge capital to carry on the _Budget_, and as I had been
+deceived, it was arranged that they should retire with their unused
+capital, and I carried on the _New Budget_ with my own capital of
+L6,000. The paper cost me L100 a day--L700 each number. I had the best
+artists, the best writers, the best printers--the same as Mr. Astor--but
+here comes in my difficulty. As I had amalgamated _Lika Joko_ with the
+_New Budget_, I was legally bound to the contract made with the
+advertising manager. That contract worked out in nearly every case at 40
+per cent. commission for advertisement. That finished me. Was that
+editorial or business? I think the latter. Was I to blame? I think not.
+
+As the American millionaire had discovered before me that it was
+impossible to give a shillingsworth for sixpence (although I ran it for
+a longer period than he did), I ceased its publication. Few papers, it
+has been said, were more admired than this artistic and refined _New
+Budget_, and I take this opportunity of denying that it was in any way a
+failure compared with papers in existence for years still losing money,
+and I am sincerely proud of my contribution to the publishing of
+periodicals. But had I not been deceived, and dropped _Lika Joko_, that
+paper would now have been a splendid property.
+
+I confess that the financial loss, severe to a professional man who has
+made it all by his own hand, was not what upset me. I am not a
+gambler--I never bet a shilling in my life--but I thought better of my
+fellow-men than they deserve. What did trouble me was that I never was
+given credit for my pluck. I was, and I am still, grossly misrepresented
+by a certain section of journalists. When the _Pall Mall Budget_ was
+discontinued, was it written down a failure? No, certainly not. A
+pathetic excuse was manufactured. That excuse was as clever as it was
+untrue, as I discovered to my cost.
+
+I think the man who stepped in single-handed, saved the _Pall Mall
+Budget_ as I did to the benefit of contributors, printers, and
+paper-makers, who then strangled his own child-paper and gave all the
+money at his disposal to keep the _Budget_ going, who was deserted by
+his Company in consequence--they taking with them their remaining
+capital--who fought on, and lost thousands and thousands of pounds more
+of his own money, who worked night and day for months without any
+encouragement, any return, who discovered he had been deceived all
+round, and then, finding this, paid everyone every penny and said
+nothing, but turned round and went on with his own professional work, is
+surely a man at least to be respected; certainly not the man to be
+belittled, misrepresented, and maligned by brother workers.
+
+I have other matters to confess regarding my experiences of
+publishing--but they will keep. I am anxious, however, that the facts
+recorded in this chapter should be known, as a warning to others who
+like myself, being a successful editor, imagine that editing can make a
+commercial success without a commercial pilot. I paid for my
+experience--I do not regret it.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of a Caricaturist, Vol
+2 (of 2), by Harry Furniss
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