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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/22655-8.txt b/22655-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dcd72e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/22655-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4099 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Nelka, by Michael Moukhanoff + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Nelka + Mrs. Helen de Smirnoff Moukhanoff, 1878-1963, a Biographical Sketch + + +Author: Michael Moukhanoff + + + +Release Date: September 17, 2007 [eBook #22655] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NELKA*** + + +E-text prepared by John Young Le Bourgeois + + + +NELKA + +(Mrs. Helen de Smirnoff Moukhanoff.) + +1878-1963 + +A Biographical Sketch. + +by Michael Moukhanoff + +1964 + + + + + + + +FOREWARD. + +In attempting this biographical sketch of Nelka I am using the +memories of 45 years together and also a great number of letters as +material. Her Aunt, Miss Susan Blow, had the habit of keeping +Nelka's letters over the years. There are some as early as when +Nelka was only five years old and then up to the year 1916, the year +her aunt died. These letters reflect very vividly the personality, +the ideas, the aspirations, the disappointments and the hopes of a +person over a period of a long life. They paint a very real picture +of her personality and for this reason I am using quotations from +these letters very extensively. + + + + +Nelka de Smirnoff was born on August 19, 1878 in Paris, France. + +Her father was Theodor Smirnoff, of the Russian nobility. Her +grandmother had tartar blood in her veins and was born Princess +Tischinina. Nelka's father was a brilliant man, finishing the +Imperial Alexander Lyceum at the head of his class. A versatile +linguist, he joined the Russian diplomatic service and occupied +several diplomatic posts in various countries, but died young, when +Nelka was only four years old, and was buried in Berlin. Nelka +therefore hardly knew him, though she remembered him and throughout +her life had a great veneration for him and loyalty for his memory. + +Nelka's mother was Nellie Blow, the daughter of Henry T. Blow of St. +Louis, Missouri. The Blow family, of old southern aristocratic +stock, moved from Virginia to St. Louis in 1830. Henry T. Blow was +then about fifteen years old and had several brothers and sisters. +He was a successful business man who became very wealthy and was also +a prominent public and political figure, both in St. Louis and +nationally. He was a friend of both Abraham Lincoln and of President +Grant and received appointments from them. He was minister to +Venezuela and later Ambassador to Brazil. He was active in politics +from 1850 on. Though his brothers were southern democrats, Henry Blow +took a stand against slavery and upheld the free-soil movement. +During the Civil War he was the only one of the family to take the +side of the Union and spent much of his time getting his brothers out +of prison camps. For a time he was state senator and for two terms +was Congressman in Washington. He also served as one of the three +Commissioners for the District of Columbia. + +He was married to Minerva Grimsley and had ten children. His daughter +Nellie Blow, while in Brazil with her father, met Theodor Smirnoff +who was then secretary at the Russian Embassy there. She married him +in Carondolet, part of St. Louis, where the family lived, in 1872. +They had three children, a boy and a girl, who died in infancy in St. +Petersburg, Russia, and another girl, Nelka, who was born in 1878 and +was therefore the only living child. + +Henry T. Blow's oldest daughter (and Nelka's aunt) Miss Susan Blow +was a prominent figure in the American educational movement, writing +and lecturing on education, and the one who introduced the Froebel +kindergarten system in the United States. The youngest daughter, +Martha, married Herbert Wadsworth of Geneseo, N.Y. She was a very +talented musician and painter and later became a very known +horsewoman. + +After Nelka's father died in Europe, her mother returned to America +and it was the first time that Nelka came here. As a daughter of a +Russian, Nelka was also a Russian subject and remained a Russian that +way to the end. After the Russian Revolution, having no allegiance to +the Soviet Government, she became what is known as "stateless," a +position which in later years she liked, for she always said that she +belonged to the World, not just one country. + +But as a child her mother wanted to bring her up as a Russian even +though in many ways this was difficult, for there were no relatives +and few connections left in Russia, her mother did not speak the +language and all ties and connections were in America. + +Because of this conflict of attachments, Nelka's mother and she +traveled many times back and forth between Europe and America. Her +mother gave her a very complete and broad education both in America +and in Europe. In Europe she attended a very exclusive and rather +advanced school in Brussels. Because of this Nelka spoke not only +perfect French and English, but German as well. + +When she was ten years old she went to a school in Washington. She +then already showed interest and love for animals which later became +a dominant feature in her life. + +Writing to her aunt Susie from Washington 1888: + +"At Uncle Charles Drake the boys have a little pet squirrel; it don't +bite them but it bites strangers if you give it a chance to. They +have some little guinea pigs that are very cute." + +She also at that age showed intellectual interests: + +Washington 1888. + +"I read very much now whenever I get a chance to. I think it is +splendid and always amusing. I can play lots of little duets on the +piano with Mama. I love it." + +Her stay in the school in Brussels was very profitable for her +studies and development and also showed in her letters how much +interest she took in everything. + +Brussels 1893. + +"I know what you mean about my getting older. You think that at every +different age I would be content to be that age if I did not get any +older. So I was. When I was ten I thought it would be dreadful to be +eleven, but when I was eleven I was quite satisfied if I did not have +to be twelve, and so on. But ever since I have been fourteen I have +thought it was awful and have never become reconciled to it." + +Brussels 1894. + +"I was first in grammar, literature and physics. Do you know the +'Melee' of Victor Hugo? I have just read it and I like it so much. I +would like to see some persons who have lived and who live. It makes +me crazy to see people vegetate." + +Brussels 1893. + +"We went to Waterloo. We went by carriage all the way, first through +the Bois de la Cambre and then on through the most perfect woods +imaginable. We went to a sort of little mound in the middle of the +battlefield with a huge lion on top as the emblem of victory. One +thing, although of no importance, I like so much, that was three +little birds nests one in the lion's mouth and one in each ear. +Wasn't it nice? We then went to the museum at the foot of the hill. I +got a photograph of Napoleon and one of Wellington. I have such a +contempt for Napoleon and I just take pleasure in comparing it with +the frank, open face of the Duke of Wellington." + +Already at that age she was seeking answers to moral questions and +showed her philosophical mind: + +Brussels 1894. + +"'Une injustice qu'on voit et qu'on tait: on la commet soi meme.' (An +injustice one sees and keeps quiet about: one commits it oneself.) I +wish more persons could or would recognize that truth." + +As a child Nelka did not speak Russian, because there was no one +around using this language. After her school in Brussels, her mother +took her to Russia to St. Petersburg. She was then seventeen. + +St. Petersburg 1895. + +"For the last few days I have been most blissfully absorbed in +Taine's 'Ideal dans l'Art.' I never knew it was in a separate volume. +It is splendid. Of course you know 'Character' of Smiles. I don't +care for it much, so sermony. I am going to the Hermitage tomorrow +just to see the Dutch and Flemish schools." + +The same year her mother took her to Paris and entered her to attend +lectures at the College de France while living at the Convent of the +Assumption. + +Paris 1895. + +"I have just come back from the College de France. I enjoyed the +lecture very much; it was on Stendhal. You will be perhaps surprised +to learn that my educational career has taken a sudden turn. I am +going into the Convent of the Assumption next week. Now don't be +horrified. The Assumption is an exception to all the convents; +besides the regular studies they have professors from the Sorbonne, +Lycee Henry IV and other colleges to come in and give lectures on +foreign literature, history, art, etc. Besides this unheard of +privilege they have an atelier for drawing with Ducet to correct, and +living models, men, women and children. Of course Mama never imagined +such a thing possible in a convent, the general idea of convents not +going beyond wax flowers. Here are the privileges I will have: + +1) Clock-like life and no time lost. +2) No risk of disagreeable associations as they are most particular +who they take. +3) I will see Mama almost every day. + +"I shall have to go to bed at eight! Just fancy that!!! But then I +have an astonishing capacity for sleeping and eating just now." + +While in Paris, in addition to the general subjects and the lectures +at the Sorbonne, Nelka also studied music, in particular the violin, +and at a time was quite proficient in it, though she did not keep it +up, as she did with painting, which she continued for a number of +years. + +Nelka's mother tried to bring her up in the Russian spirit with a +great veneration for the memory of her father. Nelka grew up with a +burning nationalistic feeling for Russia and a veneration for the +Russian Emperor. Her mother kept up relations with such Russians as +she knew or who were with the Russian Embassy when in Washington. And +later, when she grew up, Nelka continually kept up with her Russian +friends. + +I think characteristic of Nelka was her highly emotional expressions +of loyalty and devotion, an emotion which dominated all of her life +and all of her actions. Anything she did or undertook was primarily +motivated by emotion or feeling rather than reason, but once decided +upon was carried out with determination and a great deal of will +power. + +But because the difference of national attachments and the resulting +conflict there was always a tearing apart and a division, a duality +of attachments both to Russia and to America, and this seems to have +been an emotional disturbance which lasted with her for a great many +years. + +Her first, overwhelming emotional feeling was a patriotic +nationalistic devotion to Russia and a mystic devotion to the Emperor +and the Russian Orthodox Church. Then her next emotional feelings +embraced the devotion and loyalty for her family and her kin. + +But in Russia she had no relatives and all her family was in America. +Because of that there seemed always a conflict of emotions, +attachments and loyalties which dominated as a disturbance throughout +her life, at least through the first half of it. This conflict of +feelings was upsetting and painful and she suffered a great deal from +the frustrations that these emotions often brought about. + +The Russian education of feelings for Russia which her mother tried +to install in her succeeded, for throughout life Nelka remained a +faithful Russian in all of her feelings and while having so many ties +in America, and being herself half American, she was constantly in +conflict with the 'American way of life.' + +From her early childhood Nelka had a tremendous love and devotion not +only to her mother but also to her two aunts, Miss Blow and Mrs. +Wadsworth. When in America she and her mother would stay either in +Ashantee with the Wadsworths or in Cazenovia where Miss Blow had her +home. + +Early in life she was seeking and trying to think things out. She was +never satisfied, never ready to accept something but always tried to +analyze it through her own thinking. At the age of twenty she wrote +in 1898: + +"I have absolutely no facility for expression; that is what is the +matter. I see persons so clever, so talented, and genuine in their +line and with absolutely distorted points of view. How aggravating. I +feel that in due time I may get to see something clearly (at least +thus far, if I do not see things clearly, I have not been pleased to +see any other way), and I am craving a means of giving out. You will +say I need the persistence to educate myself in the technique of some +mode of rendering my impressions. I suppose it is so. That is what I +have always meant with this desire to 'exhaust' myself. I need to +work. I need to give out or I shall have such a mental indigestion +that I shall no longer be able to form a single thought. As it is, so +many things are fleeting through me in incompleteness, in mere +suggestion and so simultaneously at that, that I am bewildered. O, +for complete cessation of consciousness, since this consciousness is +but that of an amalgamation quantity of incomprehensible suggestions, +or else, for a vent for some of this shapeless, immature acquisition, +so that something at least can complete itself." + +Was this just a disturbance of youth, of any youth, not completely +empty-headed, frivolous or superficial, or was this the result of a +distinct inheritance of two very different and opposing +personalities, of so different nationalities and with an addition of +even tartar blood? I don't know. The fact remains that she was +constantly emotionally disturbed and constantly seeking the answers +of life, that so many have done and so few have found. + +In the same year, not long before her mother died, she wrote from +Narragansett Pier 1898: + +"I am very much puzzled still on individuality, that is, on its +everlasting existence. I do not see at all how it can be, but I am +waiting. Perhaps I can see soon. I have been trying to get a +definition for art and for beauty. I have nothing that satisfies me +yet. Art and beauty: I do not connect them at all in my mind. Art +is based on significance first and this does not depend on beauty. +Beauty is much more difficult to define than art. We have somehow +got the idea that only the beautiful pleases. Can beautiful be +applied to whatever pleases? I don't think so. Beauty is +truthfulness of what? Of the original intention I suppose. Is +beautiful something or is it not? Anyway I detach it from that which +pleases. If beauty is something distinct that which pleases is not +always beautiful. Is beauty independent of taste? It is so hard to +think out. However, I never think anything without knowing it, and I +know very few things, needless to say." + +Washington 1898. + +"It is terrible to be twenty! But I proved myself still young in +being able to shed a tear over my departed teens. Mama and all of +our little Russian colony drank my health wishing me each in turn to +find myself each year one year younger, till I had to stop them less +they eclipse me altogether. I think my nineteenth was the fullest +year I have ever had--crammed." + +When she was twenty, Nelka went with her mother to Narragansett Bay +for the summer. Here a very tragic event took place which left an +imprint on Nelka, if not for life, then certainly for many years. +One afternoon, while sitting and talking with her mother, the latter +suddenly collapsed and died instantly. Nelka was there all alone +with her. The blow was terrible. For a very long time, being highly +emotional, she could not get over this tragic end of a person with +whom she had always been so close and so intimate. She went into +deep mourning and remained in a state of frozen sorrow. Writing to +her aunt Susie she expressed so vividly the tragic feeling of +complete sorrow which gripped her: + +St. Louis 1898. + +"No one could offer more generously what unfortunately I feel that I +may never have. Don't misunderstand me, dear Poodie, but my 'home' +was forever lost when Mama left me and I can never find it except +with her. I am Mama's own and my 'home' such as you mean it can only +exist in memory and anticipation." + +"I am thankful to God that I am left on earth with such aunts as you +and Pats. Not many in my situation are so blessed. I shall always +feel alone. But perhaps I have had more of Mama than many have in +twice the time." + +It is true that by circumstances she had always lived very much +together with her mother, who as a widow had nothing but her. Even +when Nelka was in school, her mother lived in the same city and saw +her constantly, and their closeness was very complete. + +Again she writes: + +"In all events I have had more in life than I deserve, more than one +should dare hope for." + +"I was sorry to disappoint you yesterday, but I cried all the +afternoon." + +A year later--Washington 1899. + +"Try as I will I do not see how I can ever take up any interest +again. I have so little desire to go on with anything and I am so +satisfied with what I have had." + +Washington 1899. + +"I went to church this morning and I was surprised to realize how +heathenish and unchristian the sermon sounded to me. It was painful +to feel that I did not believe one word of what a Christian minister +said. What a network man seems to have made of the simplest things, +wherein to be everlastingly confounded. Might one just look up and +reach out overhead, instead of looking around one and trying to grope +at one's level. Truths made intangible by the impenetrable meshes of +faulty creeds and imperfect reasoning." + +Ashantee 1899. + +"Please do not worry about me. I told you that I was peaceful and +content, which I am. I want nothing which I cannot get and my mind +is reposeful. I do not care to understand anything. That I have got +to accept whatever may come is manifest and the wherefore has ceased +to trouble me, if it ever did. In the instances that have thus far +come up in my life, what I should do has always been palpable enough +and has required more determination or will. My inclination is to do +as little as I can to maintain my peace of conscience. While I have +no feeling of lassitude, I also feel no incentive, and while without +this one need not fail utterly, one will not probably accomplish +much." + +"I don't believe there are many happy lives. Mama gave me more +happiness in the given number of years than I shall ever have again, +though doubtless, if I live long enough, I shall have some more happy +moments. This is to be supposed. But all this matters so very, very +little." + +"I don't think that out of what is anything better is going to be." + +"The external situation in general is not bad and as far as I can +see, the trouble lies in the natures of the individuals and is more +or less beyond remedy. The tragedy arriving from trying to unite in +action and purpose where in mind and heart and soul there is no +union, no mutual illumination, no mutual comprehension of the point +of view, will be everlasting. 'Constater et accepter' and the sooner +to 'constater' correctly, the sooner futile struggle ends." + +"Goodnight. I neither weep nor laugh and I am glad to go to bed; +might be a good deal worse off, if I had no bed." + +Ashantee 1899. + +"I have lots of things to talk to you about but I don't know where to +begin. I want to say one thing that I think, which is that I think +it is very difficult to judge practically when a too analytical +definition of a condition or state is substituted for the ordinary +and worldly vernacular. I think one must often fall into error from +too great an attempt of metaphysical accuracy (precision), for +whatever the thing in essence, the reaction thereof upon the +multitude is made more forcible and more lucid to the mind by the +term applied to it at large. For instance a crank is not a person of +peculiar fancies." + +Ashantee 1899. + +"Great griefs are beyond all expression, but the stillness of +agonizing moments is worse. Why, oh, why anything?" + +"I cannot feel anything. That makes variety but it is being alone in +interests, the feeling unchanged, the purposes conceived and striven +for singly that makes the struggle seem hard and the achievement +futile." + +A girl of twenty or twenty-one, she was always questioning, always, +seeking, always disturbed. + +Ashantee, December 1899. + +"You see I am making use of the divine right of the individual which +you are ever proclaiming and you must not mistake this for +unniecelike freedom of speech. I can only live and learn and perhaps +learn to see how often I am mistaken. I am still in that pitiful +state of youthful consciousness and have with it the confidence to +act upon what I think. And to me almost every general rule becomes +transformed under the allowances one must make for the modifications +of the issue at hand. I think that often all that is most vital in +life may be lost be adhering to formulated precepts and I think that +every occasion calls for special and particular consideration for its +solution." + +After staying a while in America, after her mother's death, Nelka +decided to go to Europe in order to change her ideas and get away +from memories. This was a wise move and gave her a great deal of +comfort, and helped build up her morale. She first went to Paris +where she once again went to the Convent of the Assumption and took +up the study of painting in earnest at the Julien studios. From +Paris she also went to visit her friends the Count Moltke and his +wife in Denmark and then later went for four months to Bulgaria where +she stayed with Mr. and Mrs. Bakhmeteff, my uncle who was Russian +ambassador in Sofia and Madame Bahkmeteff who was Nelka's godmother. +These two years in Europe were a very happy, steadying and pleasant +time for Nelka and she regained a hold of herself. Especially she +loved Paris as she always did. She told me once that when in Paris +at the time she was so exhilarated that she felt like walking on air. +But her observations of life and its questions continued as always, +something that never left her. She wrote a great deal to her aunt +Susie and there are many interesting observations made during that +period. + +Paris 1899. + +"I don't believe there is any use trying to understand things until +an issue comes up and I believe that anyone who has heretofore +responded to the flagrant necessities and requirements of life will +be able to solve and meet more readily, more justly and more normally +any problem which may arise. More is there to be learned and more +balance and judgment gained in attending to one's most minute duties +than in hours of mental anticipation of possible events and +questions, conjured up in necessary incompleteness. What beauty +there is here! The intellectual and emotional stimulus would make a +cow tingle, and yet not some people I know." + +Paris 1899. + +"I am disgusted with the ending of the century with two wars, it is a +disgrace. I think the whole world is very horrible anyhow and I +don't believe in worldly goods and possessions, or countries, or +governments and I don't see why everyone by inhabiting tropical +climes couldn't dispense with clothes and even the lazy could find +food where the vegetation is luxuriant. I think it is artificial to +live in a place where one's own skin is not sufficient protection +against the weather. I think the whole organization of everything is +abominable and I don't believe it is a necessary stage of +development. Most ordinary lives are the quintessence of +artificiality and the grossest waste of time. I am more than ever +against the 'me' in myself. It is the source of all evil." + +Paris 1900. + +"I have read some illuminating bits and I think I will finish by +finally building myself a scant but solid creed for I have cast all +preconceived notions from me, rooted out all expressions of habit and +influence, and cleared, though perhaps still warped dwelling of my +former tentative suppositions will contain henceforth but the jewels +of certain convictions, or remain empty evermore!" + +Paris 1900. + +"The stimulating effect of this place is wonderful. I don't know +what it is, but it is just life to everything in one. I have +absolute peace of mind and I have no mental worries or torments. +Nothing seems complicated, nothing seems involved and everything that +I can help is satisfactory. I want to lose myself in my work and I +have every advantage for doing so. Paris is wonderful, I never so +appreciated it before." + +"I am so busy, I have my whole week planned ahead for almost every +second. You see I am at the studio every morning including Saturday +and have several lessons a week in the afternoon. New Years I dined +at the La Beaumes. There was just the immediate family and we were +twenty-three at table." (These were part of a French branch of the +relatives of Nelka on her mother's side.) + +Paris 1900. + +"I can understand people with no sentiment, but I will not tolerate +people who scoff at it." + +"I am so glad to have the Russian church here. I go every Sunday." + +Paris 1900. + +"I don't have a minute to spare. This is what I wanted and the life +though very full is easy and tranquil. The free reality of thought +is delightful and wonderful. I do not include freedom of expression. +I wonder how much I fool myself? It is not an intolerance which +wishes to promote self but which is limited and dead to a variation +of its own species because it lacks the consciousness of its own +incompleteness. A man who does not wish to dominate and emphasize +his will upon his surroundings, including people, is not a whole man. +My Russian is getting on. I will be very glad when I have mastered +the language, then I am going to begin Italian." + +As a child Nelka did not speak Russian and only started studying it +when grown up. When she later went to Russia she still was very weak +in the language and only gradually picked it up with practice, but +eventually knew it very well. + +Paris 1900. + +"How madly busy all the little people are, bussing over the planet, +and for what? How nice it is to go to sleep. I am going to bed. +P.S. I think it is an intellectual crime to wear long skirts in the +streets." + +Paris 1900. + +"One must be earnest or else laugh at everything and end in despair. +I am so satisfied with my present condition that I think it would be +foolish to upset it all after so short a time. I am just beginning to +feel the peaceful reaction of it all and I dread the idea of getting +roused again before having fully got hold of myself. The total +change I felt necessary proved a salvation and that complete absence +of all reminders of the past year is the only thing wherein I can get +quiet. I do not want to go over what I have felt. Suffice it to say +that I want to stay just as I am until after next winter when I will +feel like going back to America without regret. I do not feel equal +to any more emotions." + +Paris 1900. + +"I do not understand the 'variety of perfection.' I think it is +impossible and therefore absurd to try to preface for this life, well +up on our own inheritance, as you say. There has been too much +practical research and study and not enough character building, the +result: total lack of balance and maniacs. Anything better that +would admit of more possibility of collectedness of peaceful +contemplation of the possibility of perfecting the least act with the +whole of oneself. The least act is worth it. How does one live now? +Scattered over the universe, over the time. There are no whole +people except a few who keep their entirety within the arbitrary +limitations of prejudice and habitual notions of which they are +possessed. The other: they are fragments, cranks and nonentities. +One more thing, I do not think that a nation can be judged by its +great men. Great men belong to humanity, to the century, to anything +but not to their country. I think intelligence and capacity is never +local, and it is the average and the habit of life that determines +the country." + +Paris 1900. + +"I do not think that anything is likely to happen to me except +perhaps softening of the brain and that would happen anywhere. I +have seen no one to whom it is likely that I will lose my heart, so I +am quite safe." + +Paris 1900. + +"I do find everything so funny, and people so funny, not individuals, +but as a whole, by funny I mean queer. The senseless mode of +existence, the superfluous education: these artificial restrictions. +It is especially the artificiality of so many things. Who is going +to do away with it all? I don't understand anything and I know there +is no use trying to build up an understanding on rules." + +That summer Nelka went for a month's visit to Denmark to her friends +Count and Countess Moltke. + +Glorupvej, Denmark 1900. + +"We were still two days on the steamer getting to Bremen and then we +changed trains and boats about fifteen times in 24 hours getting +here. But once here it is beyond all words in delight. The place is +perfectly beautiful. I cannot describe it to you. It is so quiet, +so far away from everything. Beautiful forests that we drive +through, deer all over, swans, fountains and all so old. I lead a +most regular of lives. Everyone is exact to the minute, for meals +and everything. I feel that it is a very great opportunity I am +having to be here in Denmark and see all this new country. It is so +interesting and I enjoy it so much. It was very sweet of Louisette +to ask me." + +Glorupvej, Denmark 1900. + +"What you write in answer to my saying that I like 'whole soulness': +it is precisely the whole soulness which is not a conscious conquest +that I like. I appreciate the merit of the last but it is not that +which attracts me, which also reminds me that I want to tell you that +I have come to the firm, clear and definite conclusion that a person +that loves is not necessarily loving, nor a person that gives +necessarily generous. A loving person may never love and a generous +person may never give, and the practice of either quality does not +indicate an impulse. One can conceive, accept and appropriate the +idea of generosity, lovingness, etc., etc., and act it, but that is +not the thing. I hate all effort which has for its aim the creation +of self, the conscious creation. I like the self to become through +slavery to the best natural impulses and through sacrifice brought in +one's affections. Seeing that we do depend on each other, it seems +to me admissible that the surrender of self, which continues to be +with me the highest of everything, should allow of a direct object as +its means. I used to have a holy respect of the majority. Now, when +I see how many imbeciles go to make up that majority I am no longer +afraid to throw over any precept that has filtered into my head, and +if ever there was a revolutionist in thought, it is I. Foolish +beliefs and hobbies have become adorned with so much that appeals to +the sense of the beautiful that one clings even to that, but then +that is another element which can envelop rational things as well. +Of course all cannot help but be well, but then I am sure that the +present condition is quite off the track and I have no respect for +anything but pain, joy and sacrifice which are the only realities. +Life makes standards and standards don't make life." + +Glorupvej 1900. + +"I can tolerate wrong and weakness and everything else but that +search for self and above all that pompous blowing of a horn before +such empty things, such big sounding ambitions, that mock glory, that +swelling in noble pride upon such fictitious hallucinations, that +poor mesquin grandness. It is exasperating. I hate ambition to +achieve. However, I suppose I am very foolish. I am a mass of +vanity and self-seeking in my own way, but it is a great pleasure to +cry down. I get roused sometimes on things that are not my business +and I have felt very much inclined to express my opinion about some +thing, but I suppose I had better not." + +"My life I think is molded on circumstance and on the best of my +instinct and judgment which may be faulty but which in every special +instance seems the safest to me. To remind oneself constantly that +one's life is made up of days prevents one from taking most things +'au tragique' and makes existence passable enough." + +Paris 1900. + +"Life is so short. The only peace is in remembering how short life +is. I work so hard at my painting. My efforts alone deserve some +results, but it is slow in forthcoming. This week however there is +an improvement. I get up before seven every day and go to bed at +nine and drink eight glasses of milk a day. I hope you are pleased. +Some emotion, more extremeness, some craziness, some feeling, really +I think it is necessary. I do not see any satisfaction in anything +but intense feeling. Intense feeling which may come even in the +quietest of lives and which does not depend upon external events. It +is astonishing how easy it is to be tolerant of people's +personalities, however unsympathetic to one, and how very easy also +to be intolerant of their point of view." + +"There is nothing so disastrous as to be fooled by the appreciation +where it is not deserved. How I wish I could do any one thing well." + +Paris 1900. + +"I hope it is a satisfaction to you to know how well pleased I am +here and that I am absolutely content. I think I will indulge myself +and get a jewel with your Xmas present. 'The Perfect One' loves to +deck out in gems! I have been reading an essay on Tolstoi and I am +took with an attack of asceticism, unequaled by any heretofore. +This, following my last sentence, is charmingly typical of my +character, is it not? There is one girl here who really might be +very nice. She is eyed as being somewhat emancipated by the +household I think, but I think it is only Youthful freshness of a +first departure and inexperience in calculating the impression she +makes on the style of her audience." + +At the end of the same year Nelka went for four months to Sofia, +Bulgaria where she stayed with the Russian Minister Mr. Bakhmeteff, +my uncle and Madame Bakhmeteff who was an American and Nelka's +godmother. + +She enjoyed very much that stay in Bulgaria and had a very +interesting and pleasant time and great success. From Sofia she +wrote a number of letters which reflect both the interest of her stay +there as well as the continued constant searching so typical of her +youth, and perhaps of her whole life. + +Sofia 1900. + +"How can I tell you how I feel at being here. It is an entirely new +world. So interesting and so beautiful! No one could be lovelier to +me than Madame Bakhmeteff. She comes in to my room every two minutes +and asks me if I have anything under the sun and seems so pleased to +have me here. It is really delightful. I have a sitting room next +to my bedroom all to myself, filled with every book that I have been +longing to get hold of. Everything is so picturesque. I was +delighted with Denmark but how different this is. There is something +I respond to in that orderly, cold atmosphere, but I think there is +more that I respond to in the Orient. How much more simple and less +complicated the life is here. I was almost stopped at the Hungarian +and Servian frontier because I had no passport. By the merest chance +I had a very old one in my bag which was absolutely invalid but +which, added to my absolute refusal to leave the train, got me by the +three frontiers in the end. I called a Turk and a Servian who were +in the same compartment to my rescue and for an hour or more carried +on a heated discussion in every language. I am going to ride every +day much to my delight. The diplomatic corps have to depend almost +entirely on each other and it is very interesting being thrown with +people of so many different nationalities. I have been living so +fully it seems to me for the last three or four years and still +always a crescendo. I don't know why I always write so much about +myself--egotistical youth--but how I realize my youth. Even while +youth itself makes my head whirl, I stand back within myself and say +almost sadly--it is youth. It is sad in a way because I know that +the reaction of great interest upon me is youth, and not the +interest." + +Sofia 1900. + +"You speak of danger; I don't see where danger is. The worst evil is +prejudice. Without prejudice and without too much drive for worldly +attainments, I don't see much danger. I am satisfied as far as I +myself am concerned. Every moment is exciting and the regret or +irritation I feel against many existing conditions is not wholly +disagreeable. This is youth, and when I am older I will jog along at +a slower rate. I am not like you, or like almost anyone I know, but +I admire and respect those most whom I resemble the least. I am one +mass of contradictions to myself, perhaps, supremely self-centered." + +Sofia 1900. + +"The freedom I have, good or bad, does not depend on the external +conditions of one's life. I have enough sense of what is practical +to keep in certain lines. No conditions on earth would hamper me +mentally and I want to get life-proof through living." + +"How I hate business! More and more I am beginning to think less and +less of what one accomplishes materially in this life. What does it +matter? I think it is less help to be able to help those about one a +little materially and be more or less a nonentity as an individual +than to be able to mean something as a person with a heart and +comprehension. There are some beautiful things in this life that +everything organized tries to make hideous and monstrous and I would +always say 'gather ye roses while ye may.' I think that every one +has almost a right to some happiness and a certain indulgence and the +'droit de temperament,' means something and need not always be +selfish. If you do not think this, then there is only the other +extreme of austere abnegation of self for any cause however trivial. +Nature is the only guide and I don't believe Nature is bad. Of +course the curse of freedom will allow one for a long time to distort +and vilely modify natural instincts, but at least one can fly from +the too palpable artificial. Dear Poodie, don't sigh. I only let +off steam in words--that is safe. I am still a slave to this +disgusting civilization and always your very devoted 'Perfect One', +that is to be, or might have been, Nelka." + +Sofia 1900. + +"I really ought not to talk because I don't give myself the trouble +to put my thoughts on general things in order and in every comment I +always have the desire to embrace everything. I follow my own +thoughts but love the immediate point and my brain is not in the +proper condition to command its own vagaries." + +Sofia 1900. + +"What a delightful and full summer I have had. I can only reiterate +that I am satisfied. I have had so much. Given my nature and my +life, more than anyone I know. I may be mistaken in everything but I +never doubt my application when I am about to act. Perhaps I will +some day, but I don't think so. I have learned a certain 'science de +la vie,' meaning this time the artificial, irrational life that is +practiced and that I despise. Apart from this I have my own notion +of real life and that is my own luxury. When I write so it sounds so +big and so out of place for a girl, I always regret saying anything. +If what I think means anything it will be shown in my life and so far +my life is only a selfish, soft existence, so perhaps that is all I +mean. I don't know that I love many things with conviction, but I +know I have a contempt with conviction for many things." + +"I have stopped looking at life as written with a big L. Regarding +it only as an indefinite term of years is much less appalling; it +does not lessen the joys and does lessen the sorrows and +disappointments. The method now is to catch every minute and stretch +it for all it is worth." + +"You say I am not adaptive. It is difficult to s'entendre on what +that means. Many sides I am, to my detriment. Too many sides for it +seems to me I can fit into almost any opening with equal interest. +And I find very few environments wholly uncongenial. I am not +conscious of exacting in my nature any particular strain or line but +what irritates and antagonizes me in any environment is the +presumption on the part of the creator of that environment that +theirs is the only world-view. I suppose the really strongest thing +in me is an instinctive spirit of contradiction, for I always rise +spontaneously against anything and everything that is proclaimed to +me as being so. This is perhaps rather sweeping but it is more or +less so. People influence me never by what they tell me but by the +general impression they make on me and that I see them make on other +people. I believe what I just wrote is nonsense. I only mean to say +that I am only intolerant of intolerance. I think the ordinary rules +of good behavior demand a certain amount of tolerance and with that +any milieu is possible. I am sure of a few things but these few +things are very firmly fixed in my mind. Nothing surprises me." + +Sofia, 1900. + +"I know there is a certain fundamental something in me that will make +me apply the same reasoning to everything and I am never worried +about any question. In fact I don't know what it is to have a +question in mind--that which might be one is simply left out. I +cannot say I know myself of course, but I know more of myself than +anyone else does and I am certainly more severe. I do not recognize +a good thing in me. I believe I am level headed and more or less +reasonable, but that is not my merit. Any sanity of judgment I have +comes from Mama. Whatever good there may be is due entirely to her. +I am not afraid of anything. I am ready for anything. The truth is +the only thing worth caring about. Not the great universal truths +that one can search and cherish while living in a mass of lies but +just the truthfulness of one's life and everyday actions. Try to +call things what they are and it is a perfect realm of ever +increasing delight, for everything around us is lies from beginning +to end. But in general everything is lies and the ambitions are all +false and the education is no better than the shoes that are put on +Chinese female feet to stunt and deform them. What a sweet and +perfect simile. How did I happen to fall on it?" + +Sofia 1900. + +"I am thinking seriously of working just about twice as much as I did +last winter. If one would do anything the least in art one must give +oneself to it 24 hours and live these 24 hours double. There is no +art but good art and what is not best is not art at all. I hate +pretense. It only exists among people who know nothing. I know +nothing in any line but I would rather remain a nullity studying with +serious intentions than profit of or repose upon some meaningless +accidental achievement. Of all traits presumption is the most +insufferable. Oh, how one is anxious to put one's finger in pies one +is completely incapable of understanding." + +After her stay in Bulgaria, Nelka return to Paris to finish her +studies before returning to America. + +Paris 1901. + +"Oh how stimulating this place is and how much study and achievement +there is. What a lecture I heard. It was more helpful to me than +anything I can remember for a long while. And what a book I have +got! A complete resignation without losing energy on one's work at +hand that is what one may strive for. Energy and conviction and élan +are not usually resigned to all obstacles and resignation is often +lassitude. I feel resignation so necessary and at the same time I +have such infinite faith in the power of 'il faut' (one must). The +worst thing I am afraid of is to become tired in the way I mean. I +think it is more hopeless than disgust and disillusion." + +Paris 1900. + +"Where can I read something holding your point of view which would be +more within my range of understanding than Hegel? I can't understand +free will as independent of our physical being and I don't see how +will can be something different from a kind of complicated reflex. I +am afraid there is no help for it. I will have to inform myself +somehow. Anyway my head always seems clearer over here. I wish I +could be so in America. You would not believe how waked up I can +get. I believe it is in the air. There is something both +stimulating and relaxing in the moral atmosphere that I feel only +here." + +After her stay in Paris and Bulgaria, Nelka returned to America and +stayed either with her aunt Miss Blow or with her aunt Mrs. +Wadsworth: in the summer in Cazenovia or Ashantee, in winter in +Washington where her Aunt Martha had a large house which had just +been built and occupied for the first time in 1900. Her aunt kept up +a very active social life and while Nelka stayed through all this +social activity she never liked it. She kept in close contact with +the varied European embassies and especially the Russian embassy, +where she enjoyed the influence of the European atmosphere. + +Ashantee, November 1901. + +"I do not want to complicate the interpretations of my condition and +I want above all things to cease dwelling so selfishly upon it. +There is no need of looking for unaccountable voids, longings and the +like. I have been unhappy and shattered ever since Mama died. My +own nature gives me much to contend with and I want to get away from +it all. I am unfit for anything but concentration, and I am not made +for the world I live in. If I am not married by the time I am +twenty-seven, I am determined to go into a convent or our Red Cross. +I may change my mind many times but this is my last word for the +present. I have a contempt, when not pity, for the lives of most of +the people I see around me and mine is among the most selfish and +aimless. I do not wish to read or think or study. And as for +'consciously living for a true world view,' I want to run away from +every form of consciousness." + +Ashantee 1901. + +"You speak in your letter of forming an unconscious totality of +feeling and tendency out of their necessarily limited experiences, +and of not living independently of the deposit of human struggle and +thump. Certainly one should perhaps profit by the last but I cannot +imagine acquiring anything: conviction, principle, or any attitude of +mind except by simple experience. I think we may experience in an +ordinary life all that is necessary to build a sufficient and +adequate world view. And what I read means nothing to me except +where I can compare it with my own experience or consider it in +relation to my own experience. I do not think that I can have a +proper world view until I am old enough to have had time to +experience life and I don't want to go ahead of my experience in +reading." + +Ashantee, November 1901. + +"Kitty and I have just come in from a long disagreeable day in +Rochester where we are having clothes made. It is extremely painful +to me, but all this kind of thing just pushes me more in the opposite +direction and makes me firmer in my fast maturing resolution. I am +exceedingly blue. In fact, it is only occasionally that I am not so, +and, as in the light of the world I have an unusual amount of things +to make me the contrary, it must mean surely that I am not of the +world and I wish, wish, wish that I were out of it." + +Ashantee, December 1901. + +"I am going to try and be reasonable and as mildly satisfactory as I +may be and avoid extremes and keep hold of myself, as the only +possible justification of my points of view and ideas, for no one +will agree with them, and one cannot claim any merit in these, when +the result offered is not better than anyone else." + +"I will never be influenced by anyone until I see someone who masters +intelligently, calmly and practically situations as they occur. I +have a great deal in myself to fight and the powerful helping +influence has been Mama and the warnings I have had from witnessing +things that went wrong. I think the more one lives and the more one +thinks, the simpler things get. The greatest of all dangers seems to +me to fool oneself. Really this seems to me to be the only hopeless +plight and there comes to a certain fascination in trying to say +things plainly to oneself. Nothing is as strong as plain truth about +a thing, and the moment one shirks it one is lost." + +One can see that back in America she was again distressed, +discontented and uncertain. She had lost the tranquility and the +assurance which she had while in Europe. It seems to me that for +some reason or other this feeling of unsatisfaction was always much +greater in America than in Europe and here she was always disturbed. + +A heavy test to her feelings of loyalty for Russia came with the +advent of the Russo-Japanese war in 1904. America was in those days +very pro-Japanese and Nelka suffered in her feelings while living in +Washington. Finally, in a feeling of exasperation, she left +Washington in 1904 and returned to Paris. Here she studied at the +French Red Cross to qualify as a nurse. She also resumed her +painting studies. For medical practice she worked at a children's +dispensary. + +Denmark 1903. + +"The trip is such a complicated one (back to Paris) with such +indefinite changes and waits that I feel sure it would not be right +to go alone despite my mature years, and so there is nothing to do." + +(She was 25 years old.) + +Paris 1904. + +"I have painted a portrait of myself, grinning from ear to ear, which +you probably would not like, but it is the best I think I have done. +It was for the Salon with Julien's great approval but it was refused +with eight thousand other masterpieces. It is a fearful blow to me +but salutary for my soul no doubt and this being my holy week I am +going to try to benefit from the disappointment and chagrin. I must +go and study now. I am doing 5 hours a day of concentrated study." + +"I am having an attack of 'anti.' I am getting to feel further and +further away. I like Denmark. I am very much interested in the +country, the people, the language. I think the difference between +countries, the national characteristics so curious. This is such a +beautiful place. It grows upon me more and more. The park is lovely +with deer, hares and pheasants all around." + +Paris, 1904. + +"I go to the dispensaire every morning. I have got so much into it +that I cannot get out. I enjoy it so much that I only remember once +in a great while that I am be doing a little good in it as well. +This war makes me feel terribly unhappy for many reasons, I cannot +explain. I have an unreasoning longing to be in Russia and doing +something. It seems such a useless ridiculous war and so much loss. +I cannot understand the way people view things. The loss of life and +suffering just make me sick. I see no dignity or sense in anything +but quiet and peace. The more importance one attaches to a question, +the more pitiful and absurd it seems. What matters externally?" + +Paris 1904. + +"I feel old and addled. I am still dispensing with rage and interest. +I was given a number of girls to give an illustration lesson in +bandaging this morning. We have had a number of interesting cases +lately. I shall be sorry to leave them." + +(She was 26 years old, working at the French dispensary.) + +Paris 1904. + +"I have always before undertaken too much and accomplished less. I do +not think it is what one studies but the way one studies anything +which amounts to anything. As I have often said before, I have more +faith in what I think in spite of myself, in the preferences that I +discover in myself, than in those things which I consciously +investigate. About the affections, I don't know. The affections I +have seem stable enough to me and I feel an ultimate capacity for a +larger order." + +After completing her Red Cross studies in Paris and receiving a +diploma which granted her the status of an apprentice nurse, Nelka +made arrangements to go to Russia. This was not an easy undertaking. +Nelka had few connections in Russia; her knowledge of the language +was limited, her knowledge as a nurse likewise limited, and it took a +great deal of determination to carry her plan through. + +The war at the moment was coming to an end with the defeat of Russia +and a revolutionary movement was afoot. The front thousands of miles +away made transportation of the wounded lengthy and difficult, and, +long after the hostilities had come to an end, a steady stream of +wounded continued to arrive in the capital. + +It was a trying and difficult time for Nelka. She was deeply upset +by the tragic events of the lost war and the grumblings of the +revolution. + +She got in touch with some friends in Russia to help make necessary +arrangements. A friend of her mother's, Mr. Pletnioff, made all +preliminary arrangements to have her accepted in the Kaufman +community of sisters under the leadership of Baroness Ixkull, a very +cultivated and capable person. + +Also the Bakhmeteffs were at that time in St. Petersburg and they too +helped make arrangements. Despite the fact that Nelka was then 26 +years old, she did not feel that she should travel alone and was +trying to find someone who was going to Russia from Paris. A friend +who was to go had to put off her trip and so recommended Nelka to a +friend of hers, a Madame Sivers, with whom she went and with whom +later she became quite a friend. + +When she arrived she went at first to stay with Mr. and Mrs. +Bakhmeteff. + +Early in 1905 she wrote from St. Petersburg, upon her arrival: + +"Yesterday already I saw Madame Hitrovo, Veta, Rurik and Veta's son" +(my grandmother, my mother and my uncle). + +This was the first time that I saw Nelka. The Bakhmeteffs gave a +luncheon at the Hotel de France where they were staying to meet +Nelka. As it was a family affair with no outsiders, my mother took +me along. I was then about seven years old. A child of seven is not +generally impressed by a grown up person, but Nelka made a tremendous +impression on me when I first saw her: an impression which never left +me throughout life. From that day on she meant something to me, and +that something grew and grew in my feelings for her with time and +years. + +The Russian Red Cross had a number of sister "Communities" who were +managed by ladies of the Russian society. The one Nelka joined was +the Kaufman community under the able management of Baroness Ixkull. + +Nelka wrote from St. Petersburg in 1905: + +"Baroness Ixkull seems an awfully clever, energetic and altogether +charming person. I think although the Bakhmeteffs highly approve, +they are afraid she is just on the edge of being a little 'advanced,' +which to such arch conservatives as they, seems all wrong. The +extremes are very great. You see Pletnioff is somewhat liberal, but +nothing in the sense that the word is used abroad and Mr. Bakhmeteff +is for the strictest adherence to middle age regime. Between the two +I must find the just milieu. Anyway everyone is in a certain sense +conservative just now. For the moment I can only tell you of my +delight at being here. I suppose the Constitution had to come but +surely autocracy is the only ideal Government and I am sorry that the +nation was not equal to it." + +Here we see this very distinct adherence to the principles of the +Russian government of the autocratic regime, the adherence to which +seemed only natural and acceptable to Nelka in her idea of a +patriotic Russian. + +St. Petersburg 1905. + +"Tomorrow it will be one week that I am in the hospital and I am +getting quite accustomed to it. It is certainly a very complete +change of habits in every way, but the essentials are all right. +Over and above everything is the joy of at last being able to do, if +only a little, for the poor soldiers who have suffered so much and +who are so good and patient. I shall never cease to regret that I +did not get here at the beginning of the war. This is a perfectly +beautiful hospital, quite large and everything perfect. The soldiers +are so well provided for that I should think that some of them would +almost hate to leave; but oh, Poodie, it is so terrible to see them, +many so young, without arms or legs and one whose head was almost +blown off, so grateful to have a new glass eye put in him the other +day. Soon they are going to make him a nose. On Thursday there was +the opening of a new ward and the service and benediction were very +impressive. The Queen of Greece came and I was presented to her." + +"There are four sisters in a room but the rooms are large with two +big windows and they are very nice. Sister Belskaya speaks every +language and has helped me a great deal. I am managing to get on +somehow with Russian but the other night when I had a conversation +with a Sister Swetlova on subjects that were not absolutely +elementary it was awfully funny. While the ward is being settled, 5 +of us are being sent to the big city hospital where all the sisters +have been for a time to learn all kinds of things, but it is to be, I +think, only for a few days. O, Poodie, I cannot describe it to you. +The hospital itself is all right enough, but the poor people! There +are 3,000 there. We are in the surgical section for women. It is very +various and valuable experience as you learn everything in a short +while, but I would not care to prolong it." + +During the summer of 1906 Nelka went with some of the wounded to +Finland where the convalescents were sent to recuperate in the +country. She was then in her second year working with the wounded and +was hoping to be able to return to America before too long. + +Politics were very much of importance at that time in Russia which +had just emerged from an attempted revolution and certain political +changes had taken place. A new parliamentary system had been formed +but did not last and was breaking up. Nelka wrote in 1906 from +Finland: + +"I cannot say what a feeling of relief and thankfulness I had when +the Duma (Parliament) was dispersed. I cannot see that any solution +is anywhere in view. No one seems to have the least assurance of what +will happen. I feel so stirred up I really almost wish I was a man +and could enter into the question and do something." + +"Poodie, Poodie, do you realize that I am almost an old lady of 28. +It seems so funny for that is really honorable--60 is young beside +it. I wish you could see the sky here. Such sunsets I have never +seen--every day different and the colors on the lake unimaginable. I +simply go flying to the roof, I don't know how many times and look +and look and look." + +Finland 1906. + +"But believe me liberalism abroad is quite different from here and +there is so much bad in it here. I don't think there is much hope +for Russia. I don't believe we have that in the character to maintain +a nation." + +"What a terrible thing the attempt to kill Stolypin. The people here +really are out of their minds. The ones that think that these +murders are for an 'idea.' O, Poodie, I have learned so much since I +have been here." + +"One sister, Sister Pavlova, is very nice--an aristocrat of correct +views and a great satisfaction. She was two years at the War in a +contagious hospital." + +Finland 1906. + +"I have the apothecary now and put up ten or fifteen prescriptions a +day. I find it quite agitating for a novice and am simply calculating +and recalculating over and over again. I am also in charge now of the +operating room and surgical dressings, and do massage and night duty +as before. This is just while we are here. When we go back to +Petersburg I will have the ward duty alone as before." + +"I am on night duty after a very strenuous day--assisted the doctor +with the instruments and material for 25 dressings, put up eight +prescriptions myself, dressed the wounds of five Finns, spent some +time in the ward, went over the soldier's money accounts, did an hour +massage, slept one hour and tomorrow morning I am going to take the +temperatures at 6 A.M., at seven put up a bottle of digitalis, at +eight get into clean clothes, prepare the surgical dressing room for +two dressings, give the instruments and material, and at half past +eight or quarter to nine start with two soldiers for Petersburg--one +who is to be operated and the other who has been so ill for a week +that they think it best to take him back as quickly as possible. +Neither of them can sit up. Don't you think that is an undertaking? I +am going to take the train back immediately after delivering them at +the hospital and hope to get back by 5 or 6 o'clock and have a grand +rest up for Monday." + +"Is life so full of resource or is the resource all in one's +imagination and state of mind. It seems to me there is so much, so +much, and yet the most sometimes seems just to suffer being 'suffered +out' by the effect of certain moral efforts." + +Finland 1906. + +"This whole life is something so complete and so different and I feel +now so much at home in it. Had I been different I might not have +needed what this experience has given me, but as it is, you will find +a great deal more of me and have a great deal more of me than before +I left. I know myself too well and know too well the unstableness of +my moral interior to say that I may not need again some time." + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"I often wonder now, since this life here in the hospital is so +different from everything which has opened such new vistas, if there +are an indefinite number of experiences which each would offer new +points of view. For there it would seem that one must abstain from +any general conclusions upon the things of the world, owing to one's +limited experience. I am awfully glad to be thrown in this +association with the soldiers. This is quite a revelation. They are +in comparison with other people just like charts for little children +to read, as compared with some hazy book. Then there are all degrees +of awakening. It is most interesting. I sometimes think that human +beings are as different from each other as things of a different +species." + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"I told her (Baroness Ixkull) that I thought of leaving in August, if +possible. She is so urgent about my staying altogether in the +community that it makes it very hard to leave. At last I seem to have +found something where I am thought to be very useful and I have +fitting qualities, but alas so far from Poodie and Pats that it is +not possible. At least it is a thing I know I am prepared for now and +that is always open to me as a vent for energy, an occasion for +helping and regulator of the nervous system. If there is war again I +think nothing will hold me, but otherwise I am going to try to make +my character a possible one so that it will be a more peaceful member +of the family with you and Pats." + +"No matter what I do later this year will have a lasting benefit. I +don't know what it is. I never seem to get enough of life. I know the +feeling that satisfies for I have had it a few times. Perhaps it is +youth, perhaps it is egotism, but anyway it is something that makes +one wish one had five lives to live at once. I am laboring through a +very interesting book on the Evolution of matter which demands a +great deal of concentration of a brain as uninformed in matters of +science as mine. I refuse to think and accept things in 'terms' which +when it gets to the point of the disassociation of atoms becomes +difficult not to do. I wish I had a really active brain that would +give me the results I want without requiring such an immense amount +of will which I can't command." + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"My plans seem unable to take any definite shape for the moment. I +cannot leave my soldiers that I have had from the beginning and it is +uncertain yet when they will be in a condition to leave. I wish I +were a few years younger. I want to do so much." + +(She was then 28 years old.) + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"It is now seven A.M. I am just finishing night service but I feel +quite lively just because I know it is ending. Yesterday the +'sidelkas' (apprentices) received the cross. After they graduate they +can take cases and be paid about $20 a month. This course is only one +year. The sisters' course is two years but of course their work is +always free." + +In Russia all nursing was considered to be a vocation and as such +could therefore not be paid. All sisters received their maintenance +and clothing from the community but no pay. + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"I have just received your letter telling me of Trenar's death." +(Trenar was a borsoi dog which Nelka had and left in Cazenovia. This +was before she had her poodle Tibi.) "Mrs. Lockman wrote me some time +ago that he was very sick with distemper but had not written me +since. Useless to say how I feel. Everyone does not feel the appeal +of a dog's affection in the same degree, and with me it is as strong +as anything I know. Trenar in his devotion was exceptional, and not +to have been with him when he was sick--I simply can't think of it. I +didn't do anything that I should have with him. It was wrong to +leave him. I love dogs and Trenar was something very special. I +didn't do what I should with him and in every way I am perfectly +miserable about it, but it is useless of it--that is all. I know you +feel sorry for the way I feel, but how I feel you can't know and it +must seem out of place to you. Anyway I feel it and I reproach +myself. I just wish I could have been with him. I will never forget +his attachment--dear little Trenar." + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"But I don't suppose you can conceive how I feel the autocracy, the +Emperor. I don't care what I think; I feel autocracy and the Emperor +simply not a human being to me. I read this and thought you would +like it: 'Sow an act and you reap habit; sow a habit and you reap a +character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.'" + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"For the last two weeks I have been all the time on duty with the +operated cases. This last week I was on night duty every night except +last night when I had to sleep to be on duty today. I am so tired of +fussing with myself; it makes me so angry not to be a perfect +machine. The things to do are all the same--the way to be is the +same, and yet there is so much thinking, choosing, deciding, +worrying. So few things matter, and so much should not have a +moment's consideration. Nine tenths of all the shackling +considerations should simply never rise to consciousness." + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"On Xmas there was a big tree for all the soldiers who could walk and +then there were a lot of little trees all arranged with presents for +each room where the soldiers could not leave their beds. It was said +in the morning that nothing would be done on Xmas--no dressings, +nothing, and I never worked so hard! As there were no dressings in +the operating room I had to do quite a number somehow or other in +bed, and then it was my day to keep the ward in the afternoon." + + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"I am beginning to think that the 'esprit' of the sisters here, that +is most of them, is far too liberal. I get perfectly outdone with the +papers some of the sisters bring into the ward, and I quickly lay +hands upon everyone I find. There is no stemming the tide but I shall +do what I can wherever I am, for it is too stupid. The soldiers are +too uneducated." + +"You say in your letter that you understand that my father's country +should be dear to me and yet you think that my mother's country might +also mean something. What I feel, understand and see in America does +not mean anything. I cannot feel as they do. What I care for most in +the world is you and Pats--that does not need to be said. As a +country, for ideas, general point of view, etc. etc., Russia and +Russians are more sympathetic and comprehensible. It is so different. +But that is as far as country goes. The real tie, as I said before, +is you and Pats." + +Finally after a stay of over two years in Russia, Nelka started back +for America. But she took a round about way this time traveling first +through Russia to the Crimea and from there by boat. + +Written on the train between Kharkoff and Sebastopol 1907. + +"I am on my way to the Crimea--and then continue by boat to Naples. I +expect to get to Paris by the 12th or 15th and to sail at the end of +the month. What a place Moscow is. O, it is so beautiful--so old and +real Russia, so solid and so unforeign. It was fearfully cold but I +was out all the time and only had my nose frozen once. I hate, loath +and detest every foreign influence in Russia and every evidence that +there is a world outside. The Kremlin is certainly thorough in itself +and I love it. I am palpitating at the thought of seeing you so soon. +It seems to me I am just living in gulps. I feel somehow that the +privileges I have had ought to be put to something now. How will I +even put my whole self into one thing? Everything has splendid +possibilities but it is always the fearful alternative and its +possibilities. Anyway I have stopped waiting. I know there is nothing +to wait for. I can hardly believe that I have had this year--that I +have been in Russia and that it is done. Baroness Ixkull tried to +keep me to send me to the famine--but the famine will have to wait. I +shall be so glad to get to Yalta. My head is so tired and I shall be +able to clear up my thoughts--I can hardly write. My head is popping +off and my hand is cold and the train shakes. Always your old Nelka." + +(29 years old) + +But back in America she once again was restless. Social life had no +appeal for her. There was something much more genuine in Russia or +even in Europe--something much more alive, much less artificial. Her +aunt Martha Wadsworth tried to interest her in other things, take her +mind off the brooding dissatisfaction which Nelka was showing. + +In 1910 General Oliver, then Secretary of War, and a personal friend +of Mrs. Wadsworth, decided to undertake a reconnaissance trip through +New Mexico, Arizona and Utah, partly to do some surveying and mapping +of the area and partly to test a compressed fodder for horses +invented by Captain Shiverick, also a friend of Mrs. Wadsworth. + +General Oliver invited Mrs. Wadsworth to take the trip with him and +she in turn asked Nelka to come along. + +This was a most unusual, interesting and difficult trip, especially +for women. It lasted six weeks. The first three weeks General Oliver +took part in the trip with a whole squadron of cavalry. Then he left +and the rest of the three weeks only a small party continued through +the Navajo Indian Reservation to the Rainbow Bridge in Utah. This +party consisted of only two officers, several enlisted men, one +Indian guide, Nelka and her aunt. All on horseback and pack mules +carrying supplies. They covered unmapped territory over the most +rough and difficult terrain, which often was dangerous. Even one +horse was lost when it fell over a cliff and had to be shot because +of injuries. They slept on the ground, froze during the cold nights +while the heat of the day was always around a hundred, and on one +occasion reached 139 degrees. A great many very interesting pictures +were taken during this trip. Nelka always remained under the spell of +this trip and the beauty of the untouched wilderness, but at the same +time had some unpleasant impressions of the awesome country. Also it +lasted longer than she had expected and she was anxious to get home. +Only that year her aunt Martha had given Nelka a poodle puppy, Tibi, +which Nelka left with her aunt Susie in Cazenovia. She was worried +about the puppy all during her trip. + +Incidentally, this Tibi played a very important, and sad role in the +life of Nelka. The dog, because she was always with Nelka and because +of this close relationship, developed a very high degree of +understanding and companionship with Nelka. This mutual understanding +resulted in a very deep attachment between Nelka and Tibi, and Nelka +certainly developed a very unusual love for this Tibi, whom she +always took with her back and forth between Europe and America and +kept always with her--except on the occasions when she was obliged to +leave her for short periods. I knew Tibi for she also had been left +by Nelka with me and my mother in the country on one or two occasions +when I took care of her. + +Here are some of the impressions that Nelka gathered from this +western trip and which she gave in her letters to her aunt Susie: + +Utah 1910. + +"The Navajo Mountains and the Natural Bridge were, to me, terrible. I +can never give you a complete description of it, but, aside from the +other difficulties and trials, it impressed one as the most godless +place conceivable. I don't see how anyone can keep any religion in +the canyon in which the bridge is--such a mass of turbulent, ruthless +rock, all dark red--hopeless, shapeless chaos. It all looked just as +if there had been a smash up yesterday. No beyond, no nothing, +nothing alive, nothing dead, every step of the way almost impassable +and the feeling that every minute more rock could come smashing down. +On the way there Mr. Whiterill, our guide, fell over with his horse +when it was impossible to keep balance. He got loose, the horse fell +over backwards several times, broke its neck, slid down sheer rock +and fell about 50 feet over a cliff, the sound was awful." + +"Mr. Heidekooper and I went down to the bottom of the canyon and lay +back on the rocks with our feet in a pool. I closed my eyes and tried +to forget these crushing walls." + +"There was a question of moving the sleeping blankets to get out of a +scorpion patch, but we finally stayed where we were. I refused to +mount my horse firmly and flatly until we got out of the worst part +of the canyon, so I walked 12 miles when I had to pick every step on +sharp stones. On the way back, Pat's horse went head over heels down +another steep place but was not killed. Still a few miles further my +horse slipped going over a huge mass of rock as smooth as an egg and +about the same shape and everyone thought he was about to be hurled +to instant death, when by a miracle he screwed around, got himself up +and caught his footing again. My mental agony had been so great that +I had not a bodily sensation. I took my blanket, rolled up in it and +went to sleep by some trees under some branches and a log. We came +over the rocks where one misstep would have sent the horses to the +bottom. No place even to spread his four feet before the next step. +My heart was in my mouth most of the time. I don't know what +impression you might get from my letter. I have seen the most +beautiful sunsets, but there are more essential elements than these +to live in peace and the limits of what I can do now are very marked. +I am wound up to the last degree. There are lovely Indians here." + +Kianis Canyon 1910. + +"We arrived here in the rain; the pack train with the lunch miles +behind and a waste of thistles to sit on, but it cleared up soon +after and everything got settled. There are two very nice dogs +along--Kobis and Terry. Terry belongs to Mr. S. and has his ears +cut to the roots. I need not insist upon what I feel for both the +dog and the man." + +Canion de Chelley, August 1910. + +"This country is too wonderful for words. It is the place--the only +way to live. I wish you could see it and I wish you loved it as I do. +Won't you bring Tibi and the boys and stay here? Oh, Oh, there is +nothing to say." + +Gonado 1910. + +"I get up at 5 and see the sunrise and generally take the things in +before everything gets astir. We have breakfast at 6, 6:30 and start +our marches at 7. It was so cold one night I got up at 4:30 and made +up the camp fire. My face is dark brick and painful but I think I had +too much cold cream fry and I have stopped. The heat of the sun is +great. Wednesday we crossed the 'Painted Desert' which was even more +beautiful than the canion and camped at a kind of oasis on a little +lake and were able to have a swim--though the desert was full of +rattle snakes and the lake full of lizards." + +"I walked off and got lost almost 4 hours. They had the whole troop +out looking for me, and the trumpeters blowing for over an hour. +There was no moon and I had decided to spend the night where I was by +a cactus, when I saw a light in the dim distance and finally Captain +McCoy found me. It gave me a vivid sense of how misleading the +flatness of the desert can be. When Captain McCoy found me he could +not see me ten feet away and I think it was chiefly the white dog he +had with him that found me. I had had to take off both shoes and +stockings about two hours before as the mud was so heavy I could not +raise my feet and it was raining part of the time. Every place where +the Indians live in their natural mud huts it is clean and +inoffensive. As soon as there is a sign of a real house, or what you +call civilization, there is dirt, smells, refuse heaps and flies--and +of all the sights in my life, bar none, the washstand in Mr. Hubble's +store, with wet newspaper, stagnant slop jar, dirty tooth brush, +filthy basin, sloppy soap--all humming with flies--is the worst I +have ever seen and the most stomach turning. There is some freak from +Boston in a checkered suit and goggles who walks around with some +ideas for Indian betterment. I think they have reached the highest +pitch in the fact that they do not scalp him! I had coffee, oatmeal +and bacon all out of one bowl. I drink water that looks like bean +soup and never use a fork and a spoon at the same meal. Sand and +cinders or charcoal flavor everything, and I have fished olives out +of the sand where they had fallen and eaten them with perfect +satisfaction. Materially this certainly is the way to live. +Spiritually some shifting might improve it." + +Back from the trip and into civilization, Nelka again was restless +and discontented with her surroundings. Again she longed for Europe +and especially Russia. + +Her little dog Tibi became of primary importance in Nelka's life. +Despite her love for animals, Nelka admits that up to that time she +had no special attachment or deep affection for dogs. Dogs were just +something you had around you; they were part of everyday life, but +that was about all. But with Tibi, Nelka's affection for her grew and +grew, and they became unusually attached to each other. Like all dogs +who are constantly with a person, they develop a great maturity and +intelligence. Tibi did just that. She was a very highly developed +animal, as I remember her well. + +The winter of 1910-1911 Nelka spent again with her aunt Martha in +Washington. Her aunt had a large house and was in the social whirl of +the capital. Dinners, balls, the White House, the Embassies--but all +this meant little to Nelka and she felt the futility of all that +activity, its artificiality and uselessness. Irritated and longing +for a change she once again returned to Russia, and once again went +back to the Kaufman community. + +Her feeling for dogs and animals in general was becoming more and +more pronounced--thanks in part to her close association with Tibi. +In one of her letters to her aunt Susie written in 1911, she writes: + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"I do not love humanity in the mass. I don't admire it. I feel sorry +for the unenlightened and suffering but I think there are only a few +in the world who 'vindicate,' as Uncle Herbert says, their right to +exist. If there was for one moment in my heart what I feel for dogs, +cats, horses and animals in general, I would be a real sister of +charity. It is a perfectly distinct expansion and impulse and a real +longing to help and joy in it that I do not feel in the face of +suffering humanity. You can explain it any way. If all these crippled +numberless that I have seen all these days had been maimed dogs, I +don't know what I would have done. There is something in human nature +that is so contemptible and poor that I can't feel the same way." + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"How can you keep your faith in humanity? I think it is all so weak +and not beautiful, and life as it goes somehow such an outrageous +fizzle. Why are there such beautiful things, conceptions, +possibilities only to be ruined by fatal microbes this human +nature puts into it? Life only in yearning; Death to crown +realization; peace only in oblivion. What for? And even the power of +renounciation has to be fought for." + +She was working at that time in the Kaufman community but was to go +to Montenegro for a hospital reorganization. This did not come about. +She wrote: + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"I am undergoing the greatest disappointment at this moment. I was to +be sent to Montenegro to establish a Red Cross sisterhood and +overhaul the hospital, and to be given five sisters to take with me I +as the head--so interesting--and in the part of the world which has +always attracted me to the utmost, ever since I was in Sofia. And +after it was all arranged and I was simply reveling in every detail, +Baroness Ixkull decided that it was simply impossible to take Tibi." + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"One doesn't love anything any more, religion, country, art. The only +thing is to have one's interest outside of oneself--and to be very +busy. I can hardly believe, at least I wonder, at myself being able +to do so many things I dislike--getting up every day so early, no +walks with Tibi, sleeping between five and six hours, often only +four, and yet I enjoy everything--ice cream is a festival, a moment +to sew a treat, and bed heaven." + +"But oh, all these sick people--so depressing and gives one such an +impression of superfluity of the human species. Everything, +everything so beautiful except humanity--and not only man +himself--dirty and unenchanting--but the instrument of hideousness +all around." + +Again Nelka was showing the restlessness because of the attachments +to the two sides of the ocean--Russia and America--and the +impossibility to satisfy entirely one or the other, or both. From +Russia she wrote: + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"I wish I could be in America and eliminate from my personal horizon +the people and things which make me boil over in spite of myself. +Dear Poodie, I wish you could really know what I feel and mean. I +think if in recent years you had been in contact with the peace and +simplicity of Europe in general, you would see what makes me shrivel +with most Americans, because I am not above and beyond it as you are. +America may stand for freedom, but it has an unimancipated soul and +there is a perpetual affectation, a caution, a suspicion, a lack of +independence that does simply petrify life and crush feeling. You may +say it is a small world, I don't know, but it is everywhere I meet." + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"I have at last decided that my life must remain unsettled, +undecided; it is too late to settle it except by sheer will, and that +is too stupid. Real ties exist in different centers--one must obey +both; it is utterly indifferent to me what external aspect my life +takes, because it is also too late." + +(She was then 32 years old) + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"I hope to be in America at intervals and often. You and Pats are +more to me than anything else and I have the greatest love for +Poodihaven (Cazenovia), but I cannot associate with outsiders +sufficiently to fill my life. I want to beat them all and I don't +want to hear them talk." + +At this time, I think, she was going through a very difficult period +of uncertainty in her life, which is reflected in her letters written +at that time: + +"If I did not care for Americans and if I did not have a great deal +of sentiment and associations, ties and memories in America, it would +be so easy to leave it alone and not think about it. But I know I am +both. I know how strongly attached I am to both sides and I only +deplore the difference among people in the world. But when I think of +even those others that I care for, I know that we are strangers. My +heart does not beat with any puritanical sentiment--so there. If I +am attracted to some puritanical offspring--some representative of +the progressing (?) new world, it is like being in love with a marble +statue." + +"I don't know why I write all this, but how impossible life is. I +think it really is a most devilish arrangement. No peace except in +utter renounciation. And must one struggle through a peppery sequence +of years just to know this?" + +"Baroness Ixkull is going to give me perfectly new sisters to train +and I am going to make them march like pokers, copy every record each +time they make a spot and count all the linen every two weeks. As +they will not have been in any other ward, they cannot make any +comparisons or complain." + +"I know, Poodie, that you would like some things here very much--the +simplicity of everything and the independence of people. I think it +is only possible with a recognized aristocracy when people do not +have to explain themselves and are established. I have met a few such +nice people, of course to hardly know them, but one feels one knows +them at once because there is a recognition of being of one world and +one knows beforehand that one shares the same feelings towards most +things. For instance, they may not know me personally but the fact +that Papa was in the service, was Gentillomme de la Chambre (Court +title), was educated at the Lycee, defines a type, defines in a +certain manner his daughter, if only externally. Then knowing that +Mama was American, the whole thing is clear in a natural way. My +wanting to be here is understood--my attachment to America is +understood." + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"My life here is so full in one sense that it seems much more than a +few months since I was in America. Life seems very, very short in +comparison with the wide conception of possibilities which gives the +zest to youth. Everything seems so partial and the total is so hard +to realize. To keep tranquility with the increase of perception and +understanding means renounciation as far as I can see. It must be a +great privilege to work and pursue one's greatest convictions--to act +what one feels sure of--this is in many ways adjustment to +circumstances. Please God that there may be some good in it." + +"The spirit is everything--nothing else matters. I can never leave +the ward on their hands (new sisters) and I mean every day from 8 +until 9 at night and often part of the night, if it is very serious. +I am very well, sleep little, eat little and am flourishing." + +So after this additional stage in Russia at the Community, Nelka +returned once again to America, but not for very long. Early in 1912 +she was again getting ready to go back to Europe. Writing from +Ashantee in 1912 she said: + +"I know it is unrest--I know it all--yet the true picture is that of +going thousands of miles to where I am not needed, and leaving my two +best friends. I long for the work and can't wait. Between now and it, +just think what bumps and jolts and frights and moans. Oh, what is it +all about?" + +Nelka spent that winter with her aunt Martha in Washington. It had +been a winter entirely filled with social activities--balls, dinners, +the White House, the Embassies--and Nelka could not stand it any +longer and was seeking some contrast. She certainly achieved the +contrast all right, for as soon as she returned to Russia she was +sent to the outskirts of the Oural Mountains. In that region a famine +had been quite severe and the Government sent out feeding stations +and Red Cross units to take care of the stricken people. Sisters were +established in different villages, sometimes entirely isolated, where +they issued provisions and gave medical care to the peasants. Nelka +spent a whole winter in one of these villages, living in a one-room +hut with a peasant family and sleeping on a wooden bench. What a +contrast after the social life of Washington! + +Here is a descriptive letter written from Kalakshinovka, District of +Samara, in 1912: + +"I am in a desert of snow, in quiet and peace, and feeding three +villages. I lie on my bed which consists of two wooden benches side +by side--one a little higher than the other. Only thing is that it +is almost inaccessible. Even with the snow it is more roily and bumpy +than the worst sea ever dreamed of being, and all one can do is to +lie with one's eyes closed on some straw in the kind of low sleigh +that bumps along hour after hour over these steppes. I first went to +Sapieva, a tartar village in the District of Bougulma. Now I am +settled and hope to stay here. I was busy last night late giving out +provisions and weighing flour and today I have been trying to +straighten out grievances and see that all receive justly--sometimes +very complicated. Some brother of the official writer of the village, +quarreled with the son of a poor woman when that woman's cow came too +near his premises, and he made his son beat her off. My position in +the matter is whatever the pro's and con's--how dare anyone hurt a +poor famished cow and I am settling it on that line." + +"I don't know what I would not do to feed all the poor cows and +horses and sheep that are left. A number of friends in Petersburg +gave me some money to distribute--a little over a hundred dollars. I +gave about 50 in Sapieva and the rest I am going to use to save the +animals. Aside from my pity for them, it will be terrible for the +peasants not to have a horse to work in the fields as soon as the +warm weather comes. Where will they be next year? I can help at least +two or three families. One poor woman when I bought some feed for her +horse and cow simply fell on her knees on the ground. Poodie, really +how far people live from each other and how little one can dream of +this life if one has not been in it. Perhaps other people understand +things more or realize more, but with all I have seen and heard +and read, that is simply being born to something entirely +unknown--besides all the feelings one experiences oneself in being +thus shut off from everything. I have at last attained my own bowl +and spoon. I drink coffee and eat a piece of black bread in the +morning. At 12 a bowl of buckwheat or some kind of grain with a +wooden spoon--a glass of tea and at night a glass of cocoa and black +bread, or as a treat a dish of sour milk. I cook and iron and do +everything myself, but it is very simple." + +"This is part of 'Little Russia' and is much cleaner than 'Great +Russia.' I brought with me a few fleas from Great Russia and have the +greatest sympathy for Tibi for the time she was exposed to flea +companionship. How they bite and jump." + +"The Tartars were so clean--the very poorest and none of the disorder +that one sees in Great Russia. There is something absolutely +distinctive about the Tartars and one feels a certain civilization +and settledness that is different from all the other villages I have +seen. Did I tell you how we all slept in a row with the old tartar +and his wife and child?" + +"Though I was doing my best to master the tartar tongue, I can +converse more readily here. The Little Russian dialect is very +different from Russian but one can get a long. The Red Cross will +probably be stationed here throughout the famine--until the 'New +Bread,' that is about the end of July--but Baroness Ixkull promised +to replace me as soon as she could get another sister. I hope to get +back to America in July." + +Kalakshinovka 1912. + +"A peasant walked in today and brought me a present--an apple about +the size of a plum. I wanted to keep it until Easter but we consulted +and decided it would dry up, so I ate it. It is getting late--8 +o'clock and the candle is burning low." + +Kalakshinovka 1912. + +"The days have fallen into a routine. I distribute provisions, go to +see the peasants and they come to see me--sew, mend, scrape mud off +of boots and at last have a little time to write a few letters. In +about a week I hope to go to Alekseievka, a village about 9 miles +off, which is quite a center. There is a fair there every week and I +shall buy some sugar and a little white flour and perhaps if it can +be found, a piece of ham. I am getting awfully hungry. People will +never get anywhere while taste is undeveloped and perception so dull +and imagination so weak. I don't think all people can be taught to +understand, but I do believe that the eye can be trained and the +imagination led into paths which will make them revolt from ugliness, +and that is a tremendous step towards salvation. It seems to me that +'conditional immortality' is the only possible and plausible +doctrine. So much of humanity, whatever it looks like or however +cannily it has devised to exist, has not begun, and why have such a +respect for numbers? I should like to weed out acquaintances just as +I attack occasionally the linen closet--with fire, and have a chance +to breathe. It is all the unborn who sit around and choke the +atmosphere." + +Kalakshinovka 1912. + +"All the horror of the famine is being realized right now. I will not +write you about it for it is too terrible and heartbreaking--it is +the horses, camels, cows and sheep--worst of all the horses. I will +never forget yesterday as long as I live. I cried all day, I could +not sleep all night. It is simply horrible. I have never so much +realized the problem of existence as here. Everything is so foreign +and so striking, one is simply faced by the question of how to live +and to what end. What I feel more strongly than anything is that the +product of the best education and civilization should be good and +zealous--more near the saint--than that the masses should read or +write. I have faith enough that all will attain in the end if the +type that leads is worthwhile, but the type that leads is not." + +Kalaskshinovka 1912. + +"I have a whole little house now. The owner comes and cleans up; I +bolt my door and I have a place to keep provisions for almost 900 +people. The whole thing is just as interesting as it can be. I went +not long ago to a village of Bashkirs to verify scorbutous and +typhoid--about 15 miles from here; it is strange how entirely +different they are. The Tartars seem the most settled and grown up +and independent, and the Little Russians have more traditions. The +Great Russians are more individual and less distinctive. You can't +imagine the nice feeling of riding right out over the steppes, no +fuss, no get up, with a purpose. The feeling that at the same time +with the wild freedom of it that one is accomplishing something and +working. I can't wait to see you. When I get my Tibi and start again +across the seas, I shall be even glad to see that awful Liberty +lady!" + +Kalaskshinovka 1912. + +"Your letter enclosing Pata's and the picture of Lutie was the reward +of a walk of six to seven miles with a ton of mud on each boot, a +night on the floor and a return at dawn on a rickety horse horseback. +Everything is flourishing here, plenty of occasion for meditation and +consideration. I enjoy tremendously the peasants' bath house. One can +climb higher and higher and lie on shelves in different stages of +heat. I got so steamed up I wanted at one moment to open the door and +just fly out into the field without a stitch. When I look out on the +plains here and then think of New York and the subway, my brain +simply stops. This is about as small and poor a village as exists, +yet there is a teacher and all the younger generation read and write, +and the Tartars are really wise owls. I have no more desire to go to +Persia. I am afraid that country is done for. I think Arizona is as +safe as anywhere if they don't irrigate. Still those mission teachers +are a pest. There is something fundamentally wrong with everything I +know!" + +Hardly had this episode of the famine finished, that the Red Cross +sent units to Belgorod in the Ukrania where there was a great +concentration of pilgrims for the canonization of St. Josephat. The +Government once again set up feeding stations and hospital units to +take care of the sick and aged and all emergencies arising from the +concentration of many thousands of pilgrims. Once again Nelka was +there and it was of great interest to her. + +During all of these absences Nelka kept her little dog Tibi either +with us in the country or with friends in Kasan, the Krapotkins. She +went to pick up Tibi in Kasan from where she wrote in 1913. + +"I caught some horrible microbe just before I arrived and had a +terrible grippy cold which kept me in the house and in bed--but it is +over now. I feel rejuvenated 15 years and full of energy. I almost +believe it is climatic. The feeling is so different. Isn't it awful +about the priest being hung in Adrianople? I don't see how the whole +of Europe doesn't stand together to drive the Turks out of Christian +countries." + +(This was written just before the start of the Balkan war.) + +Nelka returned to St. Petersburg and made preparations to leave for +the Balkans. The Russian Red Cross was sending out units to the +Bulgarian Army. After returning from Kasan, Nelka stayed for a while +at my mother's place in the country. This was a time when I was +preparing for my entry examinations to the Lycee and she wrote about +that to her aunt, who was interested in everything pertaining to +education. + +Writing from Poustinka (our country estate) in 1913: + +"I am very much hopped up and stirred up and feel very full of life. +I had a very pleasant short stay in Kasan. Enjoyed seeing people very +much--so much youth I have not seen for ages--young people, young +officers, young marriages, and then such delightful old people. The +young officers were just simply waiting for mobilization. About war, +everything is most uncertain. Half the people say it will be +immediately, the other half that it will be avoided--no one can tell +anything. I am going to Adrianople Tuesday. Baroness Ixkull is there +with a large division and I think that just now there will be more to +do than ever. I go first to Sofia." + +"Yesterday I went with Veta (my mother) and Max to town. We came back +in the evening and after dinner I had a most delicious sleep on the +sofa by the fire--Max waking me up every few minutes." + +"This afternoon I had a fine nap and then gave Max an English +dictation. He is preparing for his examinations for the Lycee. Really +it seems a great deal. Besides all the usual subjects, he has to take +Grammar and Composition in Russian, Latin, German, French, and +English. Ancient History, European History and Russian History +separately, besides Religion. An awful lot, and all the other things. +None of the languages are optional and in two years he has to be +examined in the literature of each." + +"He is such a nice boy, 15 years, so boyish and yet so developed and +such a lot of casual culture, just from association with cultured +people--and yet a real country boy, loving the affairs of the estate +and everything to do with the place, and full of fun and mischief. I +am all for education at home until the final years for boys, and +altogether for girls--I think it is more developing." + +After this stay with us, she left for Sofia and the war. + +Sofia 1913. + +"General Tirtoff sent me a 'laisser passee' and a certificate so that +I can't be taken prisoner, and I expect to arrive to where we have +the tents in 2 or 3 days. General Tirtoff, under whose orders I am, +proposed yesterday to send me as head of a hospital which is now +stationed in Servia, but which has to be sent to Duratzo where there +has been a big battle. It will be a tremendous lot of transportation +and, though very interesting, I don't know if I should like it as +much as a small field hospital like Adrianople. Any way it all +depends on what happens at Adrianople." + +Sofia 1912. + +"I have just come from the Queen. She was ill and could not receive +me before. She was very, very nice--much nicer than I expected and +better looking than her pictures. It is now 3 A.M., and I am to get +up at six." + +Nelka joined the division of sisters at Adrianople and took part in +the fighting to take that city. This probably was much the most +difficult and dangerous time she ever encountered. They were working +in the very front lines, in the mud and dirt and under heavy shell +fire. At one time when the shells were falling both in front and +behind their tents, and it was impossible to move the wounded, Nelka +realized that perhaps she would not come out alive. She wrote several +short goodbye notes, one of which was written to my mother, which I +reproduce here. I am grateful to think that at that critical moment +she remembered me. + +Kara Youssouff. 29 February 1913. + +"Dearest Veta: +We are under fire--the projectiles are going over our heads, one just +fell on the other side of our tents, and the ground is torn up before +our eyes. Perhaps we may miraculously escape--if not, goodbye. +Perhaps some one may pick this up and send it. I send you much, much +love--give my love to my friends in Petersburg, it is terrible for +the poor wounded. Love to Max. Nelka." + +Here is a letter from Aunt Susie Blow to Nelka in 1913: + +"Nothing I can say suggests what I feel. The picture of you with +those awful bombs bursting above you, before you, to right and left +of you and the other picture of you plunging knee deep in mud and +battling with mud and rain, as you made your way from tent to tent +will never leave me. And what pictures of horror must move in ghastly +procession in your mind. You have always wanted first hand +experience. Now you have had such experience of famine, of war, of +religious enthusiasm, of patriotic devotion. How will it all affect +the necessary routine of life?" + +Sofia 1913. + +"I know I have written since the fall of Adrianople and I think I +sent you a word from there. Did I tell you that the Consulate was in +several places shattered by shells? What I noticed the most was the +air of proprietorship of the soldiers in the town and how one felt +the immediate transformation of the Turkish town into a Bulgarian +one." + +Sofia 1913. + +"I do not know what I think about the Turks. I only know that I abhor +the 'Young Turks' (political party). In general I suppose they are +more civilized than the Bulgars. I do not care for them as a nation, +but I wish nevertheless that the war would continue until they get to +the very door of Constantinople. About occupying the city itself I do +not know, because it is so complicated. Of course I wish it might +belong to one of the Balkan states and I simply can't endure the +mixing in of 'powers.' Powers--by what I would like to know, except +size and force alone. I wish they would fight it out and take +Constantinople and be done with it and the whole Balkan peninsula as +well. I hate threats and tyranny based on the power to destroy if +they want. Either gobble it up or leave it alone, but not dictate!!!" + +"It is very strange, but it seems to me that everything that makes +for terrestrial power makes for spiritual defeat." + +"I am crazy to go to Tchatalja but a definite attack does not seem +imminent." + +"I am well and, as result of feeding on air and no sleep, had to move +the buttons of my apron which had become tight. I can speak quite a +little Bulgarian." + +"I understand fully what is meant by 'A la Guerre, comme a La +Guerre.' It is extraordinary how every preconceived notion and habit +is thrown to the winds. I like it very much. Everyone acts as the +immediate occasion seems to necessitate and it is so much more +simple. Everything is changed and I see that it is just so everywhere +in time of war because one thing is so very much more important than +all the rest. It is when nothing is supremely important that life is +simply impossible and that you are baffled at every step." + +"It was terrible in many ways. Those first days at Kara Youssouff, +but I feel it was the greatest privilege to be there. One felt +helpless before such a demand but it was all so real and every breath +meant so much." + +Once finished with the Balkan war, Nelka returned to America and +joined her aunts. + +Before leaving she spent several days with my mother and me in our +country place. After she left my mother wrote to Nelka: + +"Max and I miss you very much. I was so happy to have you with us for +a time; your visits are always so nice and cheerful. I always +remember them with so much pleasure. We had a long talk with Max +about you and decided you were a real friend for us and Max said: 'we +must always be real friends to her.' He is very fond of you." + +(I was then 16 years old and very much in love with Nelka.) + +Once finished with the Balkan war, Nelka returned again to America +and joined her aunt Martha in Washington. + +She brought Tibi back with her and here a tragic event took place +which had a decisive influence on both Nelka's and my life. + +While in Washington Tibi somehow got hold of rat poison and despite +the help of the best veterinarian and also the help of two human +doctors who were friends of Nelka, Tibi died. + +Nelka took the death of her mother in a most tragic and painful way, +but the death of Tibi affected her to a much greater degree. Her +grief was beyond all comprehension and she went into a state of utter +despair, verging on the frantic. Her Aunt Susie and a few friends +tried to help her as much as they could but absolutely nothing seemed +to help. + +Just before she had left Russia, Princess Wasilchikoff had asked her +to assume the reorganization of a sister community and hospital in +Kovno, a fortress-town near the German border. Nelka did not accept +the offer though it was of considerable interest to her, because she +was then returning to America and had plans to stay with her aunts. +But when her little dog died, she quickly changed her mind and +telegraphed Princess Wasilchikoff that she was ready to accept her +proposition. This she did primarily to try and get her mind focused +on something and to get it off the brooding about Tibi. Her grief and +despair can be judged from the various letters which she wrote to her +aunt at that time, and for a long time to come. + +Ashantee 1913. + +"If that cannot be done I want to be buried in unconsecrated ground +with Tibi and shall arrange for it. I cannot leave Tibi where she is +buried and not know what will happen later." + +"I hope when I die to know that it will be alright but I cannot get +any nearer to being reconciled now, and it just comes over me with a +fresh feeling all the time, that I cannot accept it. I have never +felt so about anything. I am glad that you miss darling little Tibi. +I feel estranged from everyone except those who knew and cared for +Tibi." + +During her trip back to Europe, she wrote from Rotterdam 1913. + +"It just seems some times more than I can bear. I don't know how to +get reconciled--that is the worst. I don't accept it and I have an +outraged sense all the time of the fearful crime to that happy little +life, and so many constant torments come up afresh all the time, that +I just feel crazy. I tried to face it all and wear it out of my head +in the beginning, but that did not work and now this willful keeping +from thinking as much as I can does not help either. Why couldn't +anything have happened to me that would not have hurt Tibi? I suffer +because that little face is just always before me. If I could just +have her for an hour and know that she was all right, I would die the +happiest person in the world." + +Paris 1913. + +"I can't keep up my spirits all the time. I am terribly tired, look a +perfect sight, but I don't care. Paris has not changed much. It will +always be the most beautiful city in the world, I think, and the most +civilized. Church was such a delight this morning. I like this Paris +one better than anyone I know, but it all now seems simply a past and +I know it will always be so." + +Poustinka 1913. + +"It seems to me almost superfluous to comment any more on the sadness +and pain of what occurred--it is also just more and more and +everywhere. The more one sees of life, the more frightened one is of +being happy. I think life is just totally and absolutely +inexplicable." + +"Veta has got a little apartment opposite the Lycee and Max hopes to +get in January. I am giving him English dictations and he is studying +all day. Veta thinks of nothing else and wants to get him safely +married at 21, which she thinks is the best thing for Russian men." + +Well, I was safely married at 21 but not with the approval of my +mother who opposed my marriage to Nelka because of our age +difference. + +Poustinka 1913. + +"I have not yet seen about the cemetery here but I think I will +arrange to be buried there if it is allowed, or else to find some +piece of land somewhere. I just hope, hope, hope in something beyond +as I never have before. I simply can't stand the injustice of Tibi, +of her death and I can never get reconciled to it for a minute." + +And a year later she wrote from Kovno in 1914: + +"The approach of this anniversary has been taking me, despite of +myself, over every minute of those dreadful, dreadful days a year +ago. I don't want to speak of it all to you or make you feel any more +than I have already the weight of a grief that will never leave +me--but I do want to tell you that I shall also never forget how good +you were to me and how you helped me through that simply fearful +night. I don't know how anything could be any worse but still if you +had not been there I don't know what I would have done--and I shall +always remember and be glad that Tibi died not far from you." + +I think unquestionably the loss of Tibi was the greatest suffering +that Nelka ever experienced in her life, even though the loss of her +mother and of her aunts was a great shock each time and deep grief +which held on for a long time. But there was something about the +death of this little dog which hurt Nelka more than anything else. +While in later years she never hardly spoke about it, I think the +pain always remained. + +Nelka was a great believer in 'circumstances' in life. The death of +Tibi was a 'circumstance' which affected Nelka's life and mine as +well. Had Tibi not died as she did then, Nelka would not have +returned that year to Russia. By returning to Russia in 1913 and +then the war breaking out the next year, she was prevented from +returning to America and thus never again saw her Aunt Susie, who +died without her in 1916, while Nelka was at the front. She then +stayed on through the war and then the Revolution, and we were +married in 1918. Had Tibi not died, all the conditions would have +been different and very likely we would not have been married, at +least this is possible. I think both she and I have been believers in +'circumstances.' I know that I am. Circumstances which affect all our +life. Sometimes one small event, something so insignificant that it +is hardly noticed, can bring about a chain of events which entirely +and basically change the whole course of one's life. This is what I +think the death of Tibi did to the lives of both Nelka and me. + +When Nelka came back to Russia in 1913 she undertook the +reorganization job offered by Princess Wasilchikoff. Nelka felt it +would help her forget and would act as a relief valve for her +feelings. Princess Wasilchikoff offered Nelka complete freedom and +independence of action and decision in all concerning the sister +community and the hospital. She could act and do as she wished and +desired. So Nelka agreed with the stipulation that she would +undertake this job for one year, and having made her arrangements +left for Kovno. The whole picture of the Kovno enterprise is very +vividly seen from a number of letters written by Nelka during 1914. + +Kovno 1913. + +"I think life is a great mystery and thus far renounciation seems to +me the only achievement." + +Kovno 1914. + +"Kovno is a little different from what I expected. It is much more of +a hospital than I thought but it is to be completely made over. It is +now for 50 beds and a separate house for eye illnesses with two wards +in it. There are 40 sisters and 18 servants." + +"Two hours after I arrived I attacked their hair (the sisters), and +now it is as flat as paper on the wall. I also berated a doctor +within the first 24 hours for not appearing for his lecture. I +thought I better acquire the habit of discipline at once for the +position is rather appalling and I am trying my best to impose +terror. When I feel the terror getting rooted, I will try for a +little affection and good will." + +"I am now racking my brains how to get 180 dresses and aprons made by +Easter and keep within the limit for cost." + +"I am preparing different and complete charts for all the wards and a +laboratory is to be opened in a month. The planning is not the most +difficult; it is arranging things within given conditions and in a +certain sense in a margin, and appeasing demands and complaints from +all sides. The new division of the work was very complicated, too. In +one ward, every sister, who was ordered to it either wept, flatly +refused or prepared to lose everything and leave on account of the +nature of the sister at the head of it. Of course I had to insist on +acceptance of the distribution of service, on principle, but I am +glad to have found good reason to get rid of the said sister, in +time. Finally the young sister who has to go there now, and who +reiterated for days that she would rather wash dishes for the rest of +her days than go there, after a frank talk of half an hour, said she +would, and that I wouldn't hear another word from her. I was reduced +to real tears of gratitude and admiration for the effort." + +Kovno 1914. + +"My head I know is not as strong and clear as it was." + +"I have a very nice room which is in the most immaculate order +imaginable--I am never in it. Next to it I have what is called my +'chancellery' which has an immense big writing table, another table, +three chairs, bells and excellent light and telephone. I spend most +of the time in it when I am not going the rounds on a rampage. I +like to know that my food costs only 15 cents a day." + +During some time in 1914 I was very ill in Petersburg. My mother was +at the same time in bed with the flu and unable to take care of me, +so in desperation she telegraphed to Nelka in Kovno and Nelka arrived +immediately. + +Kovno 1914. + +"I spent three days in Petersburg, arriving there finding both Veta +and Max very ill. Max with fever of 104 or more. Max had all kinds of +complications afterwards ending in an abscess in the ear. I looked +after him for three days and nights and then Veta got up." + +Kovno 1914. + +"Every day I live the more insoluble everything seems and the more +convinced I am of the insolubility of everything. There are lovely +things and tracks in life and humanity, but as a whole the latter is +so loathsome and life so sad and dreadful. I feel a terrible fatigue +of life and it seems to me that all my energy is simply restless, +except the energy to denounce. If I live a hundred years ten times +over I think my feeling of indignation for some things will never +diminish." + +Always still feeling the loss of Tibi, Nelka did not seem to be able +to get reconciled. She wrote to her aunt: + +Kovno 1914. + +"I have just the interest of having begun the thing and wishing to +see it permanently established, as I have started it, but at bottom I +don't care what happens to anything, and I am only thankful I have +had my thoughts arrested momentarily. I had no right to complain of +anything or wish for anything as long as Tibi was alive, and what +torments me most is not my grief but that Tibi should have suffered. +I don't understand anything and I only live in hope and helplessness. +I can bear the grief of Tibi's death but I cannot get reconciled to +the conditions of it." + +During that winter my mother moved from the country where we were +living to Petersburg, and Nelka happened to be with us when this took +place and took part in the moving. Here is some of the description of +the event: + +Kovno 1914. + +"We followed the next day with a dog and a cat. Veta, Max and I with +all the baggage, a parrot 'Tommy' and two small birds in separate +cages. I tried to look out for all three and froze my fingers off +holding one cage and another that I wrapped up in my shawl. And so we +started off in immediate danger of upsetting every minute. A day or +two before the sleigh with Veta and Max and her sister-in-law and the +driver upset completely in a ditch, horse on his back and toes in the +air." + +"Max's examinations were to be in two days so of course we tried to +beat him into a cold corner to study in the midst of the confusion." + +"Of course I took a sympathetic part in all this and did my share by +scolding Max almost unremittantly from morning till night. He is a +very bright and attractive boy, but easy going." + +(Exactly four years later Nelka married the "easy going boy.") + +Kovno 1914. + +"I would give anything to spend a few hours with you and see how you +are and have a nice talk. You don't know how much I realize what a +rock you are of effective support and comprehension." + +(Nelka never again saw her aunt who died in 1916 while Nelka was at +the front.) + +Kovno 1914. + +"I ought never to move from Cazenovia if I had any character. I shall +have learned a lot of things when I die--and all for what?" + +Kovno 1914. + +"I suppose I shall die a hopeless procrastinator but if I make small +progress I also have no peace. It torments me dreadfully to have +things undone. I wish I had passed beyond this world, in my soul." + +Kovno 1914. + +"I realize tremendously how an institution of this kind depends on +the managing head. So much has to be looked after and such constant +questions come up that no system or plan suffices by itself. It is +very hard to get things done quickly without being somewhat impetuous +and one cannot preserve control over everything without a great +deal of calm. I think more than ever that institutional life is +perfectly anti-human. It cannot be run without a certain amount of +injustice--that is the innocent suffering for the guilty, that is +if one attempts to have rules. It would be far more just to have +no rules and exact of each one according to my own judgment. +I think that regulations are only made in support of idiotic +administrations." + +Kovno 1914. + +"Max wrote me such a nice, vivid letter." + +"Politics are certainly very interesting now. I feel dreadfully sorry +for Servia and I hope if there is war with Austria that the last +Servian will die on the battlefield." + +In May, June and early July of 1914, Nelka was writing to her Aunt +Susie about her plans of returning to America. Finally she had made +arrangements to sail the first week of August. But then the war broke +out and she never got off. + +Kovno 1914. + +"I have written to the Russian Line and got special permission to +sail from Copenhagen. If nothing unforeseen happens, I will leave +here on the 4th of August for Stockholm. I had hardly finished this +when the town was put under martial law. Everything is upside down. +The inhabitants are all ordered to leave. The bank is packing up, +people streaming all day there. Everyone ordered off the streets at +night. The streets are occupied with soldiers and cannons moving to +the front, and the aspect seems serious. No one can tell anything. I +have already signed a paper not to leave without the permission of +the fort. If we have war I am ready to stay to the end. I have the +greatest sympathy for Servia and would like to work in the Red Cross +there if not here. I shall try to write you again before being shut +up for good, if the town is besieged. We are only a few hours from +the frontier." + +Kovno 1914. + +"Since last night the town is under martial law. Everything is upside +down. Cannons hustling to the front. Cavalry going off. All the +inhabitants are ordered to leave. We are in the very seat of war. If +we have war I am ready to stay to the end if need be. I only hope you +won't feel too terribly uneasy. The lack of communications will be +the worst. I feel great sympathy for Servia and hope this war will +help them. All the big buildings are to be turned into hospitals. The +new bank will be splendid--tile floors and water. It can hold at +least a thousand, I think. All kinds of specimens are turning up to +be enrolled as sisters, but I am relentless and shall take no +adventuresses if I can help it." + +Kovno 1914. + +"I am glad it is for Servia, but O what a horror. I had none of this +impression at Adrianople--the panic of a whole town before the war. +Mobilization was begun last night, but the inhabitants were ordered +to leave six days ago. I cannot describe it. It is just everything +that one has ever read about war and a great deal besides. I am glad +I have a good lot of sisters. I hope they will all do their duty. +Communication will be cut off any minute. I shall be so anxious about +my family if we are shut up for long. Well, goodbye. I pray for the +best. One must be ready for anything." + +Kovno 1914. + +"Everything is cut off from Europe and I am dreadfully worried and +unhappy to have no news from you and all the family. The whole +fortress was put in a state of defense in no time, and the whole town +has been ordered out from one station. You can't imagine the scenes. +Prince Wasilchikoff has helped me very much in the place of his wife +who had to go to Petersburg, and now he is going to join his +regiment. I hope he can take this letter to send through Sweden. My +consolation is that the war was started in behalf of Servia--it +alleviates the horror of all that is going on. Prince Wasilchikoff +came in for a moment and said that the political situation was very +good and that England has declared war. Everyone is going to the war +with enthusiasm. Don't worry too much. This section of the Army will +not give in till the last. The Commander Grigorieff is splendid and +General Rennenkamph is a real fighting man. I have 56 sisters ready +in Kovno. My heart and head are full of anxiety and love for you, for +you all. I may be able to get letters to you still, but if not, look +out for Tibi's little grave whatever happens." + +The absorbing work in Kovno, the excitement and the patriotic fervor +were all beneficial to Nelka's state of mind in that it took it off +her constant thinking about the death of her little dog. + +While Nelka had her own sisters and hospital, the Army decided to +consolidate the services under their jurisdiction and turned their +own Army sisters over to Nelka and she found herself at the head of +some 300 sisters. This was a large complicated administrative job but +she handled it with great efficiency. Most of the time the fortress +was under fire and it soon became obvious that it would not hold out. + +The commanding general did not prove to be as good and efficient as +Nelka supposed and he also lost his nerve. Under the increasing +pressure of the Germans, he ordered the complete evacuation of the +fortress, of the troops and material, while this was still possible. +However, this was accomplished in a very poor manner and the +commander himself left the fortress 17 hours before Nelka did. He +also lost a great deal of his equipment. + +Nelka in turn completed a full evacuation of her whole hospital and +saved all of her material. Everything in the hospital building which +could not be moved was destroyed and she went even that far to have +all brass knobs removed from the doors and thrown into the river so +that the Germans would not get the metal. + +So Kovno fell, but the war went on and Nelka's hospital was +reestablished some 40 or 50 miles to the rear as a rear unit taking +care of the evacuated wounded. They were settled in a large +agricultural school building in very fine surroundings. I managed to +visit Nelka at that hospital for a few days. + +Soon, however, the fighting resumed and the Germans resumed their +advance. The hospital once again had to be moved. At that moment +Nelka came down with a very severe case of scarlet fever. The doctor +said that she could not be moved, just as the hospital was getting +under way. The head doctor had her arranged in bed in a tent, leaving +her one nurse. At the last moment when leaving, he slipped a revolver +under her pillow! But Nelka recovered. The Germans did not reach +that point and ultimately she was able to rejoin her unit. + +Soon after that she was sent to the rear to a town called Novgorod, +to organize a new unit. There she spent most of the winter and once +again I managed to visit her there, as it was not very far from +Petersburg. + +All during the war, at different intervals, Nelka came back to +Petersburg, mostly for just a few days and because of some business +for her hospital or unit. Each time when she came to Petersburg she +stayed at my mother's and thus I was able to see her occasionally. + +The impression she had made on me when I first saw her as a small boy +never changed. The only difference was that growing up I came more +and more under her spell and was more and more deeply attached and +devoted to her. I was then 17 years old and very much in love with +her. But she was fully grown and I was but a boy yet, so that any +hopes would seem rather futile for me. Futile because of the +difference of age and because I could hardly expect that she could be +interested in me. Also because of her great charm and personality she +always had great success with men everywhere and it was more than +possible that some fortunate man would be able to win her. + +Both in Russia and in America and also while she was in Bulgaria and +in Paris she had a great number of admirers and had over thirty +proposals from men of different nationalities. She even had a +Japanese suitor. But she never was interested in any of these suitors +and once told my mother that she would never marry unless she had a +complete and all consuming feeling for the man she chose. + +But for the moment the war was on and everyone had other thoughts and +jobs on hand than romance. + +But I was growing up and so was my feelings for her. Every time +Nelka would come to Petersburg, I would see her off to the train, +taking her back to the front. On one such an occasion I gave her a +box of white cream caramels. It was nothing, but for some reason or +other it touched her very much and she always said that to her it was +measure of my devotion. + +On these departures to the front, she was always in a hurry--having +so much to do and attend to. On these occasions the determination of +her character manifested itself at different times. Once she failed +to secure the necessary permit to board a train going to the +front--there just wasn't the time for it. At the entrance to the +platforms armed guards stood and one had to show one's pass to get +through. I warned Nelka that she probably would have trouble, but she +said there was no time for this now and that she would find a way to +get through. Of course we arrived just about the time the train was +pulling out and dashed towards the platform. A soldier stood at the +entrance with his rifle and when Nelka plunged headlong towards him, +he thrust his rifle horizontally in front of her to stop her. Without +a moments hesitation she ducked low and slipped under the extended +rifle, and was on the moving train before the sentry knew what it was +all about! + +On another occasion we arrived at the station just a little too late, +even though she had her pass. When we dashed out on the platform we +just could see the two receding red lights of the departing train. To +this day I do not know what happened, but Nelka raised such fireworks +that that train backed into the station. Nelka got on and the train +pulled out again! + +I have often said that it took courage to be in love with a woman of +such determination! + +After her winter in Novgorod, Nelka decided to form and organize a +unit of her own to serve with the cavalry. She proceeded to raise the +necessary money and to select the personnel. As the head of the unit +she chose my uncle, my mother's brother, and as assistant a friend of +his. She also chose some of the doctors she knew in Kovno as well as +some of the sisters. The regular men orderlies and the horses were +being supplied by the Red Cross. This unit was attached to the First +Guard Cavalry Division. The doctors, the orderlies, the nurses were +all on horseback; the stretchers for the wounded likewise were on +long poles between two horses. When the whole unit was strung out +Indian file it was a very long unit. + +Once attached to the Cavalry Division, the unit moved right along +with it. Often this was very rough going. Often they would be called +out at night, had to saddle and be on the move. Nelka rode a horse +named 'Vive la France.' If they were to move any distance they were +loaded into trains. She always remembered a dark autumn night +unloading the horses from the train in the dark, in the woods, and +right next to the position of artillery batteries, firing +steadily--the difficulty of controlling and trying to keep the horses +reasonably quiet. She had a great deal of trouble with her frightened +horse, trembling and scared, because of the noise and flashing guns. +The fighting was going on a short distance ahead and hardly had they +unloaded as the wounded started to be brought in. They worked on them +in muddy dugouts. Between moments of respite Nelka would run out into +the dark and try to soothe her horse which was tied in the woods. The +guns kept on firing all night. + +This was the kind of life which went on. In July 1916 my uncle, the +head of the unit, was killed by shell fire, at a moment of some very +heavy fighting. The work they were carrying on was right near the +firing lines. + +At one time, during 1916 Nelka came for a few days to our country +estate and one day I went with her to Petrograd. There she received a +letter from her Aunt Martha Wadsworth. I was coming back to the +country with Nelka on the train. She had the letter in her hand but +would not open it for she said she felt it was bad news and she was +afraid. She had a premonition of something wrong. We traveled all the +way in silence and I could see how very anxious and upset she was. +Feeling as I did for her, it was painful for me to see her in that +state but there was nothing I could do. She did not open the letter +until we reached home and she went alone into her room. It was what +she had expected--the news that her beloved Aunt Susie Blow had died +in New York. + +Another terrible, painful shock, Nelka took it in a very hard way but +with great calm and fortitude. She felt that she had failed her aunt, +that she should have been with her, instead of at the war. She blames +herself. She felt that being at the war was a form of selfishness of +self-indulgence, when her duty should have been to remain with her +aunt. + +Once again a tragic and very hard blow, a blow so hard to accept +because of her special devotion to that aunt. + +But the war was on--she could not even indulge in her sorrow and she +had to return to the front. Fighting was heavy that summer and her +cavalry division was engaged and on the move. The unit was always up +front, close to the fighting lines and the work was hard. + +That summer I entered Officers Training School and did not see Nelka +for a very long time. + +On the first of February 1917, I received my commission as second +lieutenant in the First Infantry Guard Regiment. This was the last +promotion done by the Emperor. I was assigned to the Reserve +Battalion stationed in Petrograd. + +Less than a month later the Revolution broke out and I had a week of +street fighting. Then chaos ensued. + +Through most of the summer of 1917, I was at the front in Galicia. +Nelka was somewhere at the front near the Rumanian border. We did not +know where each of us was and had no communications. + +Gradually the discipline in the Army, under the impact of the +Revolution, broke down and the front started to disintegrate. + +While my regiment was coming apart on the Galician front, Nelka's +unit was doing the same on the Rumanian border. Some time towards the +end of the summer the remnants of her unit were in Rumania and +finally came apart. She was left with but a few sisters and her +assistant chief, a friend of hers, a Finnish gentleman, Baron Wrede. + +At a certain moment she sent him with some of the personnel and +equipment from Rumania over the border back into Russia. However, she +herself remained behind to take care of the local priest who was +desperately ill. A few days later, the priest died and she was ready +to follow the unit back over the border. Just before leaving she +found and picked up a poor, small abandoned kitten. Tying the kitten +up in her shawl and hanging it from her neck, she rode away from +Rumania back to Russia. One soldier was riding back with her. At +night time they arrived at a small village and for some reason or +other, the soldier disappeared. After waiting for a while, there was +nothing to do but to continue. And so in the night, Nelka rode alone +through the woods and over the mountains over the border from Rumania +into Russia. A woman, riding alone, in the night in the midst of the +Revolution! She rode all night, the kitten dangling in front of her. +By morning she reached a Russian village and soon located the unit. +She said she would never forget that ride in the night. The next day +the lost soldier turned up very much upset at having lost her on the +way. + +The revolution was taking its toll and everything was rapidly coming +apart, disintegrating and in a state of anarchy. There was no choice +but to drop everything and try to get back to Petrograd if possible. +But this was not easy to do. Everything was in complete turmoil, no +regular train service and the revolutionary soldiers in complete +control of everything. The greatest danger was for the Finnish Baron +who as an officer was in danger from the soldiers. So a stratagem had +to be invented. Nelka went and declared that the Baron was +desperately ill and had to be sent to Petrograd without delay, and +that for that she needed a special permit. This she managed to secure +and was assigned a compartment in the overfilled train. The perfectly +healthy Baron was brought in and arranged lying down all the trip of +several days, while Nelka had to take care of him, bring him food and +look after the 'invalide.' He said afterwards that he had a 'very +pleasant trip.' While lying in his berth he kept with him the kitten. +Finally they arrived in Petrograd. The Baron then returned to Finland +taking with him the kitten where it lived on their estate to a ripe +old age. + +Nelka, upon her arrival, stopped as usual at my mother's. Soon after +that I returned from the front. Now we were all together once more +and all together tried to survive in the Revolution, which was not an +easy matter. I then joined the British Military Mission with the +offices at the British Embassy. + +About that time the Kerensky Government was overthrown by the +Bolsheviks and a lot of fighting took place in the city. Nelka used +to say how pretty the city looked with the streets completely empty, +when she would be returning home, sometimes skirting the walls of the +buildings when some shooting would start along the street. We all +soon got used to that kind of existence, which became a normal way of +life. + +But the Revolution was going on and things were getting worse from +day to day. The Bolsheviks were killing right and left and the Red +terror was in full swing. My work with the British Mission was at +that time of some protection for the Bolsheviks were not yet sure of +themselves to the extent of daring to molest the foreign missions. My +work with the Mission took me away on various trips accompanying +British officers. + +In the spring of 1918, one of these trips took me to Mourmansk on the +Arctic Ocean and where fighting was in progress between White +Russians and other foreign units and the Bolsheviks. + +All that area was not exactly a very healthy place to be in and after +quite a few adventures I managed to return to Petrograd. I brought +back with me 75 cases of what the British call 'Iron Rations,' a +mixture of all kinds of food to be used in emergencies. + +Food was more than scarce by that time and I was given a couple of +cases. It was a God send for all of us. We all subsisted on it. + +But the Bolsheviks were getting bolder by the day and were raiding +houses, arresting former officers and executing them every night. + +One evening about ten, a knock came on the door. I opened. Three men +with rifles came in with a commissar. They asked for me by name and +said they had an order to search the place. They asked if I had any +arms and I said I had a service revolver, which had been given to me +by the British. I also had another revolver of mine which lay on the +mantelpiece. Nelka, who was there in the room, did at that moment a +most risky thing. Unobtrusively she slipped my revolver into the +pocket of her dress. I noticed this, but the men did not. I produced +the other gun which they dutifully registered and took. They then +proceeded to search the place and after examining my papers, +announced that I would not be arrested in view of my service with the +British. Upon that they left. Nelka had done a most risky thing, for +had the pistol been discovered in her pocket, it probably would have +been the end of all of us. + +However, things were getting very acute and very dangerous. It was +obvious that a similar raid might happen again any day and might not +finish as well. Should I be arrested and taken away the chances would +be of my being shot. So far my service with the British had served as +a protection, but with the relations with the foreigners fast getting +worse, this could mean just the opposite for me and the connection +would be detrimental instead of helpful. So it soon proved to be. + +We all had a general consultation and decided to try and get out of +the country if only possible. My father went to Moscow where he knew +a prominent Jew who was procuring exit permits, for a price, and was +helping that way people to get abroad. Then we all began to move +about trying to stay in different places, different nights. + +In the midst of all this, I declared my love to Nelka and asked her +to marry me. She refused because she said she did not think it was +fair to me on account of our age difference. I was then twenty-one +and she was forty. I kept insisting. She admitted that she loved me +and would not hesitate had it not been because of the age difference. + +On a certain Friday morning something kept me from going as usual to +the British Embassy where our offices were located. This proved to be +my salvation for that same morning the Embassy was raided by the +Bolsheviks. They invaded the Embassy, arrested all the British +officers and killed Commander Crombie right on the entrance steps +when he tried to stop them from entering. They hung his body head +down out of one of the windows. + +All the Russian officers who worked with the Mission were also +arrested and promptly shot. Of 16 such officers, only three including +myself ultimately got away. Thirteen were shot. + +After the Embassy raid my position became extremely precarious, for I +was now on the black list and being searched for. While previously my +connection with the Mission had been a protection, now it was just +the opposite. I could not very well remain in our apartment and we +all scattered, except my mother who remained. My father was still in +Moscow. Nelka went to some friends. I spent some time in the country +where I hid for some time in our empty house. + +It is to be noted that food was practically unavailable and that +there was no money to buy it with if there was any. So we all had a +pretty desperate time, but so did everyone else. + +In the midst of all this, Nelka finally agreed to marry me. Perhaps +the Revolution, the circumstances, the constant danger which we were +all facing all of the time, helped her make her decision. But decide +she did and so one day early in September 1918 we went to Tsarskoe +Selo, an hour by train from Petrograd where an old aunt of mine +lived. We were married in a church there with just a handful of +friends in attendance. Nelka wore a white sister's uniform for her +wedding dress. My old aunt who was very fond of Nelka took off a gold +bracelet she wore and put it on Nelka's arm. Nelka never took it off +throughout her life. + +Some friends of ours let us use their empty apartment for our +honeymoon. We had a 5 pound can of British bully beef and subsisted +on that until it was used up. We then returned to Petrograd and moved +into one room of a tiny flat where a Polish woman, Mrs. Kelpsh, lived +who had worked in Nelka's hospital in Kovno. This was in a back yard +of a small side street. She registered Nelka under her maiden name +and me not at all. If seen, I was just supposed to be a boy-friend +visiting. + +However, things were getting more and more dangerous, and we had to +invent something if we were to save ourselves. + +Earlier, before our marriage, when things were not so bad and we were +all seeking ways of getting out of Russia, I had applied for a +foreign passport to go abroad. At first some people were being let +out before the Bolsheviks clamped down on everybody. + +Now, this application at the Foreign Office or Commissariat was a +dangerous identity of myself and a disclosure, especially when I was +being searched for because of my connection with the British Mission. + +Nelka knew this situation and one day unknown to me she went to the +Commissariat. There she very naively inquired about the application +of Michael Moukhanoff. The girl looked up and brought out my file, +looked it over and said that no decision had been made yet. Nelka +then asked when one could hope to have an answer. The girl said she +did not know but could go and find out. If Nelka would wait she would +go and inquire. She left the room and Nelka then did a very desperate +thing. She picked up the file from the table, walked quickly out of +the room, down the corridor and then faster down the steps and into +the street where she mixed into the crowd. A dangerous thing to do, +but my file was gone, even though my position became that way only +more illegal and perhaps even more dangerous. But Nelka as usual did +the decided thing with courage and determination. + +Like many others we were now trying to escape. Like always in such +cases, there are people who for a price were getting people out of +town and over the Finish border. It was very dangerous work for +them--dangerous for the people trying to leave and also expensive. We +established contact with one such person who turned out to be a very +decent fellow, and he agreed to try and get us out. He had peasants +along the border whom he knew and who were helping him. These he had +to pay and quite highly for it was all dangerous work for them also. +He warned us that he could not tell when he would be ready to move us +and that we should be ready to go on a moment's notice. Therefore, we +prepared what we thought we could take with us and waited. + +In the meantime my father had succeeded to get some false papers +through his Jewish friend in Moscow and with these he and my mother +managed to get over the Finnish border into Finland by train. They +were by now in Stockholm and getting ready to sail to America. + +By this time also, Nelka and I were living in another house, in a +closed apartment in a house where some very close friends of ours +lived. Nelka was registered there under a false passport in the name +of Emilia Sarapp. I was not known, unless as a boy friend. + +The food situation had become absolutely desperate. There just was +none. Some mornings I would go to the outskirts of the city where +peasants would come in their sleighs selling milk. People fought to +get a quart of this watery stuff. + +We also had some frozen potatoes. When frozen, potatoes are pink and +sweet and slimy. These we ate without butter or even salt which was +not available. The watery milk sometimes helped. Once in a while we +got a loaf of black bread with a mixture of straw. I saw people cut +off chunks of meat from a dead horse lying in the street and carry it +home for their dinner. + +So we packed some clothes and valuables and waited. Before leaving, +we wanted once more to see my old aunt in Tsarskoe and we went there +to say goodbye. We spent the day with her and were returning to +Petrograd before dark, for a curfew was sometimes imposed and it was +not safe to be around in the dark. + +As we were hurrying through the crowded station, someone slipped up +to the side of Nelka. It was our friend from the house we lived in. +She whispered to Nelka: "Do not return home. A raid took place and +they have an ambush waiting for you." Having said that, she slipped +away into the crowd. + +Now we were in a desperate fix, and we knew it. The first thing was +to get off the streets. We quickly thought it over and then called +the apartment of some friends of mine, who we knew were not there, +but where an old governess was still remaining. We just said we would +come over. People understood and asked no questions. We went there, +explained what had happened and spent the night. + +We were in a critical situation. We had no money, except a little on +hand, no belongings of any kind, except the clothes on us, and in +greater danger of getting caught. So first of all, we went to the man +who was to take us over the border and explained the situation. He +especially understood how very dangerous it was particularly for me, +with all the points which were against me. He said he had nothing +arranged for the moment, except one possibility which was not too +certain and not too safe. He had a peasant coming to see him that day +and that he could send me with him, but not both, for this was not to +sure a way. He suggested that we better accept this proposition that +I be got out of the way at once and over the border and that with the +next safer possibility he could move Nelka, I to be waiting just over +the border. Nelka explained that we had no money but that she thought +that she could get some from some one she knew. We all discussed the +situation together for a while, but saw that there was not much +choice. In the meantime, the peasant arrived and the man went to talk +to him. Finally, it was decided that Nelka remain with our friends +under the name of Emilia Sarapp and that I go with the peasant, and +wait at the border. + +It was all very bad. Finally we had to say goodbye, both realizing +the danger but having little choice. It was quite a heartbreaking +separation--I leaving into the unknown with a bandit looking +individual, of whom we knew nothing, Nelka remaining in the city with +the uncertainty of finding any money. + +I will not go into the details of my trip, except to say that it was +not easy nor safe, but I finally late that night reached the Finnish +border and crossing the stream separating the two countries in the +woods and deep snow, arrived at a small Finnish peasant hut. + +I explained the situation to him and that I would like to stay with +him for a few days until my wife could join me. He readily agreed for +he knew and participated in this business of people escaping and was +receiving a number of them at all times. He was also engaged in +contraband dealings and a number of his agents kept coming and going +through his hut, moving goods over the border. I had just a little +money and arranged to have him keep me. I gave a note to the peasant +who brought me over and he promised to get it to Nelka when he +returned to Petrograd. Then I waited. Practically every night people +came over the border and most of them stopped at the hut. It was +quite an active spot. One or two of the parties who were all coming +through the services of the same man, brought me notes from Nelka. +Once or twice I crossed the border back into Russia and went about +five miles to the nearest village hoping that perhaps Nelka was +coming through with the next party as she wrote she hoped to. This +perhaps was dangerous and risky on my part, but nervousness just kept +me from sitting still. + +Then the unforeseen happened. At that time the Finnish people were +having a revolution of their own. There were Red Finns and White +Finns fighting each other all over the country. The front was fluid +with small units moving back and forth, here and there, occupying +this or that area or this or that village. There is where misfortune +struck me. A Red Finnish patrol took possession of the area and I was +caught by the Red patrol. + +This has nothing to do with this story I am now writing about Nelka, +so I will not go into this complicated and lengthy matter of how I +managed to escape from the Finnish Reds. This is a long story. +Suffice it to say, that I managed to get away. + +But it was not possible any more for me to remain on Finnish ground +and I crossed in the night back into Russia. Having no money I was +obliged to walk and walked about 30 miles to Petrograd. I finally +made it, but I did not know where to look for Nelka so I went to our +man. He told me that Nelka was to come and see him that morning at +about eleven, and so I waited. Nelka arrived on time. When she saw me +she went into an absolute fury, for my having come back. I always +said that she was in such a fury with me that for about 48 hours I +never even had a chance to try to tell her why I was back. + +Finally I got it over to her, and while we were happy to be together +again, our position was just as desperate, if not worse, and we were +back where we had started. We knew that we better do something fast. +However, while Nelka had managed to get some money, there was not +enough to pay the man to get us over. + +So I made a suggestion. In as much as I had crossed the border twice +and knew the way pretty well, I suggested that we go on our own +without any guide or assistance. We explained this to our man who was +very nice about it and said that if we wanted to take the risk it was +up to us. + +However, there was little choice so we decided. We paid him for my +first trip and had a little money left. Through some black market +dealer we managed to get a loaf of black bread and with nothing else +but the clothes on our backs, we started out. Nelka wore a sisters +uniform black dress, a heavy cloth coat, a fur cap and black leather +high boots--like riding boots. I wore a military field uniform +without insignia, like most of all the population wore at that time. +While adequate, none of this was too warm for long stays in the cold, +but we had nothing else. It was the end of December. + +Early in the morning we took a train in the direction of the Finnish +border. Trains ran as far as the border, but we got off two stations +earlier, at the same one I used the first time. From that station we +proceeded on foot down a country road towards a village I knew some +five miles away. We reached there in the early afternoon and stopped +at a hut where I also had been on my first trip. The peasant woman +gave us some soup and we were resting and warming up, when suddenly a +bunch of red soldiers entered the yard. The woman whisked us quickly +into an empty room in the back of the house and told us to remain +quiet. We could hear the men come in and ask her if she had seen any +refugees around. (It is to be noted that there were constantly people +trying to escape all along the border and the Reds were always +searching them out. At one time as many as 100 to 150 were getting +over the border daily. All along the border within five miles people +were shot on sight.) + +We heard the woman say she had seen no one. One of the men asked +about her house and asked what was in that room, meaning the one we +were in. The woman answered, "Oh, I keep my chicken there." The men +did not insist and left. It was a close call. After the men left, the +woman suggested that we better leave too, for it was too risky for +her to have us there. We got by once, but it might not happen again +so we also decided that we better leave. The soldiers had gone in the +direction of the station, and, as we were to continue further, we got +out on to the road and started for the next village, a distance of +nearly seven miles through the woods. I also knew that village and +some of the peasants. From there the path through the woods led to +the Finnish border, some five miles away. + +It was getting late and was not a good time to be out at dark for at +night the Reds put out patrols. I hoped however to reach the village +before nightfall and so we hurried along. The road was well rolled +down--the going was not hard and we made good time. + +It was just getting dark but a moon was coming up when we reached the +village. The first hut was the one I had been to before and I knew +the peasants there, who were some of the peasants working for our +man. We entered and a woman rushed up to us crying and urging us to +get out. She was weeping and finally managed to explain that her +husband had just been arrested by the Reds and taken away on +suspicion that he was helping the refugees. She practically pushed us +out of the house. + +So here we were, out on the road facing a dilemma. Any moment now the +night Red patrol would be out on the road. Another one would be out +at the village we came from. Before us lay the path towards the +Finnish border, but it crossed a wide field before entering the +woods. I knew the way well but with the full moon out you could see a +great distance, like in the day, on the bright snow and I was afraid +to be spotted crossing that field. + +I told Nelka I was afraid to risk this trip towards the border as it +was so light. But we had little choice, for the patrols would be out +any minute now and we could not remain on the road. With no other +choice left we retreated into the woods, off the road and settled +under some thick pine trees for the night, right in the snow. It was +Xmas eve. + +We survived the night and even slept a little. It was also evident +that Nelka was developing some kind of flu and was running a +temperature. I used to joke that she melted the snow around us +because of that. Luckily there was no wind. The snow was deep and we +dug out a hollow. The temperature was probably about ten or fifteen +above. Remember we had no covers--just our clothes. We ate some of +our remaining black bread. We were tired from so much walking and so +we slept. + +By morning it was obvious that Nelka was ill and had a temperature. +We had to act quick and invent something, so we went back to the +village and I entered the same hut again. The woman had quieted down +and did not push us out. We also found there another couple who +turned out to be an officer with his wife trying to get out as we +did, so we decided to stick together. The woman suggested that we go +by sleigh to the next village and try to cross from there. So we +hired a sleigh and started out--this time the four of us with the +driver. It was now fairly safe to move along the roads by day with +the night patrols off. + +We drove to the next village about ten miles away. When we came to +the village, our driver said he wanted to stop at the tavern which +was located at the entrance to the village. He went in while we +waited in the sleigh. When he came out a soldier followed him onto +the porch. He looked at us suspiciously and then asked the peasant +where we were coming from. The peasant named a village to the east. +The soldier then suddenly said: "Why your horse is turned the wrong +way, wait a minute," and he stepped back into the tavern. + +Our driver whipped up his horse and we went down the road as fast as +we could. Looking back we saw several soldiers run out on the porch. +One of them lifted his rifle and a shot came over us, but we were +well on our way. They had no horses available to follow us so did not +pursue and we got away. After a ride of some two miles, we turned +sharply to the left and down a narrow lane into the woods. Here the +peasant stopped and said the border was only about two miles away and +that he would lead us for so much. We agreed. He hid his sleigh and +horse in an empty barn and we started out. Soon the lane ended and we +were in thick woods. The snow was waste deep and with the fallen +logs, the going was extremely difficult. We had to haul the women +over the logs and pull them out of the deep snow. Both the women and +especially Nelka who was ill, were completely exhausted. It was a +painful procession. Finally we came to a clearing in the woods and +the peasant turning around, said very calmly, "This is Finland." A +very strange feeling of elation and apprehension and a strange +feeling of leaving in such a manner one's native land. + +We were now not at all sure what kind of Finns we would encounter, +but soon we saw two Finnish soldiers and much to my relief I +recognized them as being White Finns. They stopped us and then took +us to the village to their officer. A young lieutenant was sitting at +a table in a small hut. We reported to him and when I mentioned that +I was an officer and named my regiment, he rose and saluted. The +Finns were very decent and helpful in every way. Despite their own +difficulties, they extended help to the numerous refugees coming +over, established receiving camps and medical units for the sick. We +were taken by sleigh to Terrioky. Nelka as having temperature was +taken to the hospital and I to the camp. As soon as possible we +communicated with our friends the Wredes in Helsingfors and they +immediately took steps to get us out of camp and into their own home. +So in a few days we were on our way to Helsingfors where we received +the warmest hospitality from the Wredes and remained with them for +about six weeks. + +We then proceeded by way of Stockholm and Oslo to the United States +sailing on the Stavangerfiord for New York early in February of 1919. + +Upon our arrival in America we went to Washington where we stayed +with Nelka's Aunt and Uncle. Later in the spring we went to Cazenovia +to the little house which Nelka's Aunt Susie had left her and spent +finally a restful and quiet summer, which was our honeymoon time. We +were also regaining our health, which had suffered from the +starvation period. Nelka put on some forty pounds and I came back to +normal after having been bloated from hunger, like some starved Hindu +child. + +However, we soon felt that this easy and restful life was not right +morally. The Bolsheviks were still in power, wrecking Russia and a +civil war was raging between the Bolsheviks and the White Russians: +We decided that it was our duty to go back and help. So I went to +Washington and offered my services at the Russian mission to join one +of the volunteer armies. We first planned to go to Siberia but then +decided we would join the army of General Denikin in the South of +Russia, and I was given an assignment there. + +Before sailing for Europe we went to New Orleans to visit Nelka's +cousin and then sailed from there for Liverpool, and then to London +and Paris. Once in Paris we were advised that things were not going +well in the south with the army of General Denikin and that we better +wait before going on. So we stayed in France and I joined the French +airplane factory of Louis Breguet near Paris where I worked for about +8 months. Then things got better in the Southern Army and we once +again decided to go on to the Army reorganized now by General +Wrangel. + +Just at that time the Breguet factory received an order for night +bombers for the Russian Army and it was arranged that I escort that +shipment to the Crimea. So once again I put on the uniform of a +Russian lieutenant, Nelka put on the uniform of a Russian Red Cross +nurse and we set out. + +The planes were boxed and sent to Marseilles where they were loaded +on a French freighter, the Saint Basil, and we left for +Constantinople. As the planes were bulky but light, the boat was +light and high in the water. Because of that the propeller was but +halfway in the water and our progress was very slow. It took us 17 +days to get to Constantinople. Hardly had we dropped anchor in the +Bosphorus as a launch drew up and a French officer came aboard and +asked who was in charge of the shipment. He informed me that we could +not proceed any further because news had just been received that the +Army of General Wrangel had started the evacuation of the Crimea. + +So we had to go ashore. The planes, having come from France, were +unloaded and left with the French Army of occupation. So, came to an +end our trip and our efforts to join the White Russian Army. We +landed in Constantinople and in the next few days the evacuated Army +of Wrangel started to arrive. Over 140,000 people arrived including +the remnants of the army and between 6 and 7 thousand wounded. The +plight of these people was terrible. While the wounded were landed +and taken care of by the American and British Red Cross, most of the +rest were not allowed ashore and were kept on board the ships in the +harbour. One boat had 12,000 people aboard. + +The day after we had arrived, I accidentally met in the street Robert +Imbrie, whom I had known when he was American Consul in Petrograd. It +turned out that he also had just arrived and like ourselves was also +on his way to the Crimea, appointed from the State Department. He +asked me what I was going to do and I explained that probably for the +moment we would return to France. He said that he was waiting for +instructions from Washington to know what to do. Next day he +contacted me saying that he was assigned to form a Russian Section at +the American Embassy in Constantinople and offered me a job to work +with him. I gladly accepted and so we stayed in Constantinople for +the next 8 months. + +It was a very interesting period. My work was varied. I acted as +interpreter at the American Embassy with the Russians and with the +French. Nelka joined the organization of the French Admiral's wife, +Madame Dumesnil, doing refugee relief work. + +It was an interesting and exhilarating time in Constantinople. We saw +and knew a number of very interesting people. We saw unusual +situations and we were both very busy. + +Mr. Imbrie, with whom I worked, had as his assignment to undertake +inspection tours. For this he often used the American destroyers +which were anchored in the Bosphorus. Thus, we went to Gallipoli, to +Lemnos, to Salonica, etc. + +On a certain day we took off for Varna in Bulgaria and from there to +Batum in the Caucasus. + +Nelka remained in Constantinople and had with her a little companion, +a dog Djedda. Djedda influenced a great deal of our future existence, +and as you will see there was quite a story attached to this little +dog. + +One day we were visiting the bazaar of Constantinople, a colorful, +typical oriental spot, crowded and noisy, with oriental smells and +sounds. In one of the passages we came across a small, brown dog, +which was running around frightened and miserable. We spoke to her +and, while she was timid, she was friendly and came to us. We decided +to pick her up and that we could give her to the little daughter of +the man in whose house we had a room. The little girl Offy was living +with her father who had recently lost his wife and we thought that +the little dog would fit in nicely as a playmate for the little girl. +Offy was very pleased and we showed her how to take care of the dog. +The first thing to do was to wash the dog and get some of the grime +off. When this was done we were surprised to find out that she was +white not brown, the size of a small fox terrier, with lovely eyes +and a vivacious disposition. So all was well for the dog, for Offy +and for us--at least for the moment. A few days later Offy announced +that the dog seemed ill. We examined her and found that she was +running a temperature, would not move and certainly was not well. We +arranged her in a small box and took her to our room for she needed +better care than the little girl could give her. As she did not +improve, we took her to the veterinary and he found that she was +suffering from inflammatory rheumatism of the joints. He gave her +some medicine and told us to keep her quiet. This was not difficult +to do for she was very ill and did not move. In this critical +condition she must have stayed for about two weeks, possibly more. +Then she began to show some signs of recovery, but even this was very +gradual. Gradually she began to regain strength and finally we tried +to have her get out of her box and walk about. When we tried this, we +found to our surprise that she could not stand up and we discovered +that her two front legs had stiffened in the joints, which would not +move. Those joints had actually grown together and the dog would +never be able to move them again. However, with time Djedda adapted +herself wonderfully to this situation and learned to hobble about +just on her hind legs supporting herself by holding her left front +leg against her hip. The right front leg was bent up below her chin +against her chest. Naturally in that condition the dog could not +remain with the little girl so she stayed with us. And despite her +crippled condition, Djedda was a most wonderful and lovable dog. She +adapted herself so well that she could even go up the steps. + +Like all invalids, Djedda adapted herself wonderfully and was quite +proficient in her movements, though she always remained a cripple. +The only thing she could not do was come down the stairs. So, if she +found herself at the head of the stairs, she would start barking +until someone came to carry her down. She was a very wonderful pet to +us for about 12 years. This poor little cripple was the most gay and +joyful little dog, a wonderful and devoted companion and we never +regretted for a moment having had the good luck of finding her. She +gave us a great deal of joy and comfort. + +So when I left with Imbrie for Batum, Nelka remained with Djedda. +When leaving I told Nelka that I was to be back a certain Monday. +Well, things did not go exactly on schedule. When we got to Batum, we +found that the city, which was occupied by the Turks, was being +besieged by the Georgians. We went ashore, looked the situation over +and saw that it was not good. We remained anchored in the harbor. The +next morning the Georgians attacked and hot fighting resulted. Most +of it was with small arms only, but when the bullets begun to spatter +against our destroyer, the captain decided that we better get out, +which we did, and we steamed back to Constantinople. With this delay, +we were off schedule and instead of arriving on Monday it was +Wednesday. When I returned home I found that Nelka was gone, with a +note left for me. The note said that as I had not returned on Monday +and as news had reached Constantinople that heavy fighting was on in +Batum, that she was leaving to look for me. I was furious, because it +was so utterly useless. + +Upon inquiry I found that she had boarded a small Italian freighter +plying the cost of Asiatic Turkey. The boat named San Georgio had +left on Tuesday and had no wireless. The boat's company explained +that she was due back in about three weeks. + +I went to explain the situation to Admiral Bristol at the American +Embassy. He said that he knew about Nelka having gone, for while +disapproving of it and advising her against it, he had helped her get +the Interallied visas which were necessary to be able to leave the +city. Normally it took about a week to get these visas, British, +French, Italian and United States. Nelka got them in 3 hours. + +While the Embassy reassured her and told her there was nothing to +worry about, her main objective of getting on a boat was to try to +communicate with me on the destroyer by wireless. It later developed +that, after she had left on the San Georgio and they were out at sea, +then only did she discover that the boat carried no wireless. +Therefore her main objective of communicating with me was not +possible but this she discovered too late. + +She had booked passage first class and upon arriving found out that +that entitled her to a chair in the salon. Others sat on the deck on +the floor. The decks were crowded with Turkish men who were traveling +from one small port to the next along the east. Each night they +brought out their small prayer rugs and turning towards the setting +sun, prayed kneeling in rows on deck. + +Once aboard, Nelka also found out that first class tickets did not +include meals. Having very little money with her, she found that she +was not able to afford to buy much. She had a bag of apples with her. +Not having anyone to leave Djedda with, Nelka took her along and +carried her under her arm all the time. While they did not feed +Nelka, the steward was very kind and Djedda was fed. And so they +traveled. + +I, in the meantime, was desperately trying to find a way to contact +Nelka on the San Georgio. The admiral and the Embassy were very +cooperative and the admiral issued orders to all the destroyers to +keep an eye for the San Georgio and intercept her if spotted. + +Having traveled most of the length of the southern coast of the Black +Sea, the Italian captain announced that he was going into Batum. +Batum in the meantime had been occupied by the Bolshevik forces and +therefore Nelka's position became very precarious. She argued with +the captain but he said he had a cargo to pick up and that he was +going in. The first thing Nelka did was to hide her identification +papers, her passport and visas. Better to have nothing than to be +found out as a White Russian. She remained in the cabin while in +Batum. On the second morning a bunch of Bolshevik soldiers arrived +and announced that they were going to search the ship. This was a +very dangerous situation for Nelka. However after a while, and while +they had been half through the boat, another party arrived and +started an argument with the first bunch as to who had the right to +make this search. They pretty nearly came to blows in this argument, +but finally still arguing all left without finishing the search. This +was a close call for Nelka. Next morning the San Georgio pulled out +on her way back to Constantinople. She was grateful, but by now was +becoming pretty hungry and what food she managed to get was very +scarce. + +A few days later, just as they were pulling into Samsun, the American +destroyer John D. Edwards spotted the San Georgio, hailed her and +inquired about Nelka. When told that she was aboard, they lowered a +boat and came to fetch her, and took her and the dog aboard upon +specific orders from Admiral Bristol. The commanding officer, Captain +Sharp was most helpful and kind. He gave Nelka his cabin and, also as +she had run out of everything, offered her his underclothes. Two +sailors were assigned to take care of Djedda. + +They steamed back towards Constantinople, but had to delay the return +for they had to go out to sea for gunnery practice. Thus, Nelka must +have remained on the destroyer for four or five days before +returning. This was a very harrowing and needless expedition which +could have very easily ended in a tragic manner. + +By summer the work of the Russian section of the Embassy was coming +to an end. My chief, Mr. Imbrie, received a new assignment to go to +Rumania, and we decided to return to France. The Embassy hearing +this, offered to give us a permit to travel to Marseilles on an +American Shipping Board vessel, which normally did not carry +passengers. They advised that it would be convenient for us and +inexpensive, the rate being only $5 per day for each of us, for a +trip of about five days. + +We accepted with pleasure. It was also convenient for the +transportation of our animals, for by this time, in addition to +Djedda we had a small black dog and two young cats. One, Nuri, was a +small kitten which I picked up out of the gutter where it was nearly +drowned in the rain. That was a very wonderful cat who lived with us +for 18 years. + +Late one evening we boarded the Lake Farley. The captain assigned to +us our cabin and we were underway. It was late July and when we +entered the cabin we found that the temperature must have been well +over a hundred. It was so hot that the floor was too hot for the cats +to walk on and they kept jumping back and forth from one bunk to the +other. The dogs we had left on deck. + +So we went to the Captain and complained about the heat. He said he +was sorry he had nothing better but that the whole boat was at our +disposal and we could arrange ourselves wherever we wished. So after +looking everything over, we finally decided to sleep on top of the +chartroom. We climbed up there with a couple of blankets and settled +for the night under the stars. This was not bad but only the sparks +from the funnel kept raining down on us most of the time. But we got +used to this and stayed that way most of the trip. The captain was +American as well as the mate but the crew was of all nationalities, +the cook being a Turk. However it did not look as though the trip +would last only five days as the boat was very slow. We stopped on +our way at Biserta on the African coast and had a day ashore. The day +after we left Biserta at lunch time, I smelled smoke, so I told Nelka +I would go and investigate. The moment I came out on deck the alarm +bells started off and I saw the middle of the ship aflame. + +While I went on deck, Nelka had gone to our cabin, and when she +entered she also heard the alarm. So picking up the two cats and a +life belt, she hurried on deck. I likewise picked up the two dogs and +a life belt. + +The captain was hollering from the bridge to lower the boats as the +ship would blow up because of the oil. In a few minutes one of the +boats was already bobbing on the water and the cook in his white cap +was in it. However, all who were available were fighting the fire, +mostly with sand and finally we got it under control. All was fine, +only the fire did some damage in the engine room and for more than a +day we drifted while they were making repairs. + +Then we resumed our way to Barcelona where we were to unload some of +the wheat we were carrying. When we got there the Spanish authorities +would not allow us to go ashore for, as we were Russians, they +decided that we may be communists. So they even posted a policeman to +see that we would not sneak off. This might not have been so bad, but +in the unloading a mistake was made. The forward hull was emptied and +as a result the ship sank by the stern and got stuck in the mud +bottom. It took us a whole week to extricate ourselves and all that +time we had to just sit on that boat. + +By the time we finally got to Marseille we had been traveling for +three weeks. + +We settled in Menton where we remained for several years. I worked in +a French Real Estate office. We also played at Monte Carlo and were +quite proficient. Nelka used to say that this was the only honest and +"above board" business. + +In the summer of 1927 we received the news that Nelka's Uncle Herbert +Wadsworth had died suddenly from a heart attack. Once again Nelka had +a severe blow and sorrow and once more she had lost a close person +without having seen him. That fall we finally sailed for America with +our friends Count and Countess Pushkin. We all settled in Cazenovia +where Count Pushkin and I started a furniture carving business which +we kept up for about three years, until the start of the depression. + +While living on the Riviera our animal family had grown to 8 dogs and +5 cats, all picked up or abandoned. The little crippled Djedda was +still with us and the most cherished of our pets. We brought the +whole menagerie with us to America. + +In 1930 when the depression was well under way, we once again sailed +back to France and this time were there for three years--part of the +time in the South and part near Paris. My father died at that time +and in 1934 we returned to America. + +On arrival, we went directly to Ashantee to visit Nelka's Aunt +Martha, who had been quite ill for sometime after a car accident. We +arrived on a Saturday. The next Tuesday Aunt Martha died. This was +again a terrible shock for Nelka. Once again death had struck +suddenly and this time her last close relative was gone. Both Aunt +Susie and Uncle Herbert had died without Nelka being with them and +now Aunt Martha dies only three days after we had returned. + +Aunt Martha left Ashantee to Nelka and her cousin Lutie Van Horn. So +unexpectedly we found ourselves here and remained. At first we +thought that we would sell the property but the depression was on and +it was not possible to do so. + +Thus we stayed and stayed. I did some farming and we still had the +remnants of her aunt's horse business, but these were difficult years +for us. + +I think that while this prolonged stay might have been difficult and +materially complicated, this time was not wasted, as Nelka pointed +out, from a moral point of view. It was a time of consolidation of +our points of view, of our beliefs and conceptions. + +And so we stayed here from 1934 until today, and until Nelka passed +away in December 1963--a long stay of close to thirty years. + +Nelka had had a very varied, very diversified and unusual life. A +life which was one of highly emotional feelings. I think +characteristic of Nelka was her highly emotional expression of +loyalty and devotion, an emotion, which dominated most of her life +and all of her actions. + +Anything she did or undertook was primarily motivated by emotion +rather than by reason, but once decided upon she carried out her +actions with great determination and great will power. + +Her first overwhelming emotional feeling was a patriotic +nationalistic feeling for Russia, and a mystic devotion to the person +of the Emperor and the Russian Orthodox Church. + +Then her next emotional feeling was the attachment and deep loyalty +for her family and her kin. + +But in Russia she had no relatives and all her family was American. +Because of that there seemed always to be a conflict of feelings, +attachments and loyalties, a conflict which dominated a great part of +her life, at least the first part of it. I think in many respects +this conflict of feelings was upsetting and painful and she suffered +a great deal from the frustrations that these feelings often brought +about. + +Because of these conflicting feelings and attachments Nelka was +restless and went back and forth between Europe and America always +seeking a solution and a way of life. I think these conflicting +feelings and the deep attachment to her family were the main reasons +why for so long she had not married. She just was afraid to create or +add a new attachment. + +Pretty, with a lovely figure, always very feminine, with a brilliant +mind and a sparkling personality, a great sense of humor, broad and +diversified education, an understanding of art and good taste, +cosmopolitan in her experiences and speaking four languages--Nelka +had tremendous success both with men and with women. + +The friends she had were always deeply devoted friends who kept their +friendship through years or through life and were always under the +spell of her personality. + +Her overwhelming personality and charm naturally attracted men and +about thirty men of every nationality had at one time or another +asked her in marriage. When she was twenty-two, during her four +months visit in Bulgaria, five men proposed to her. + +But she never agreed, first because just marriage for the sake of +marriage had no attraction for her, and because of her emotional +attachments she was afraid to create a new one. She also once told my +mother that she would never marry unless she had a complete and +overwhelming feeling, and that she had not yet found. + +Throughout these years and because of these conflicting feelings, I +think she was disturbed and in many ways not happy. There was too +much conflict of feelings. Also her philosophically inclined mind was +always searching and seeking--searching a religious understanding of +life, always questioning the reasons for this or that problem of +life. Her Aunt Susan Blow, who was a great student of philosophy, +contributed much in a way to Nelka's emotional seekings. But how +often in later years Nelka lamented the fact that she had not +utilized fully the wisdom and the knowledge that her aunt could have +given her in her philosophical understandings. Nelka was seeking by +herself, trying to unravel the questions which bothered her through +her own thinking. + +But from a rational point of view some of her feelings and emotions +were very devastating for her own existence and her own serenity. And +her deep attachment to the family was also a source of pain and +suffering because of its acuteness. There was not much family left +but for those who remained, Nelka gave a full measure of love and +devotion. The loss of those close to her were blows which did not +heal easily and caused deep pain. The death of her little dog Tibi +likewise gave a nearly exaggerated frustration and grief. Just like +everything else in her life, Nelka's grief was complete. She in +everything understood and accepted only completeness. Nothing in her +life meant anything if it was only partial. She could never settle +for 50%, always seeking totality, only completeness, and this of +course is a tremendous strain on one's person. That strain I think +showed itself in Nelka for many years of her life and only towards +the later part of it she seemed to acquire some stability of feeling +and emotional impulse. There was a reason for that of which I will +speak later. + +A friend of hers once said about her, "She was a tremendous +personality and such force." + +Like all humans she had her weaknesses, but these weaknesses were in +a way her force, for by sheer will power, by determination or by +uncompromising dedication, she was able to control or overcome her +weaknesses. Not many are able to do that. + +She had many friends in all walks of life and in different countries +of many nationalities, but always the reaction was the same--a +complete spell of attraction and fascination and generally a long +lasting friendship--which once established, was never broken. And +that because of that tremendous personality. + +Around 1885 lived a young Russian girl, Marie Bashkirtzeff. She wrote +some prose and poetry and did some painting. She lived and died very +young from TB on the French Riviera in Nice. Not particularly pretty, +nor particularly striking, she had nevertheless a tremendous +personality. In fact so striking that the city of Nice after her +death created a Museum Bashkirtzeff where were kept her paintings, +her writings and her personal things. The French author Francois +Coppee said of Marie Bashkirtzeff: "Je l'ai vue une fois, je l'ai vue +une heure, je ne l'oublirais jamais." (I saw her once, I saw her one +hour--I shall forget her never.) + +I think as far as personality is concerned, this applied likewise to +Nelka. As I said before, I saw her for the first time when I was but +seven years old. The impression I got then never left me throughout +my life and only grew and developed with time and age. + +We were married for 45 years and my love and devotion to her date +back from that encounter at seven. In other words a span of 60 +years--a lifetime. A lifetime during which everything was centered +around this one person. + +I think one can say that she had been both very happy and very +unhappy in her life, at least this was the balance of her feelings +during the first half of her life. During that period she experienced +great happiness in her relationship with her mother and with other +members of her family, in the devotion and loyalty she had to them. +She also experienced happiness in her endeavors in her school work, +in her interests in life and for life. The happiness she may have +derived from the realization of things well done and accomplished. + +But also there was great, overwhelming unhappiness and sorrow, +because of the unusually hard way in which she accepted the loss of +those who were close to her. Few probably felt such losses as acutely +as she did and this caused pain and anguish. Then there also was +unhappiness in the contradiction and the division of feelings, +between two countries, two backgrounds, two ideologies, two +attachments. This constant division brought with it many heartaches, +many disappointments. + +And then the second half of her life was the one she passed with +me. I can only hope that I may have given her at least a measure +of the happiness which she so much deserved. Again there were +disappointments, frustrations and heartaches as there are in every +life and existence. But gradually, with age she seemed to acquire a +greater calm in her feelings, she seemed to mellow in her intensity, +she seemed to find greater reconciliation within her own beliefs and +thoughts and find a greater calm of the soul and a greater +satisfaction in her beliefs than she had before that. + +She always felt that the turning point in her life, as well as in +mine, started from the time we were in Constantinople and when we saw +a distant aunt of mine, Princess Gorchakoff. + +She was a student of Theosophy and also seemed to have the calm and +serenity which comes from the study of that philosophy. Undoubtedly +she had a good deal of influence on Nelka and started us on a new way +of thinking. Out of this encounter developed gradually all the +changes of beliefs and attitudes which brought about such a +fundamental and radical change in all the outlooks which Nelka had +held hitherto and which she was now discarding. + +I think I can say that towards the end she had acquired great moral +calm, satisfaction and serenity. She was not perplexed or afraid of +the uncertainties of one's beliefs, of the imminence of death or of +the questions of the hereafter. + +Doubt, uncertainty, perplexity and an unresolved search seemed to +have been supplanted by a feeling of calm and confidence. A great +thing for anyone to have and to be able to have the moral fortitude +to face such a change and to accept it graciously. + +And the change was radical and complete in every phase of her life: + +From a framework of an organized Church, the change to a live +internal belief in the teachings of Christ and an effort to carry +this out in the aspects of everyday living, in reality of application +and not in dogma. + +From a conservative, ultra conservative aristocratic, nearly feudal +system of absolute monarchy, an understanding that this had become +obsolete and had no value except perhaps in it purely external +beauty--to a realistic approach of a form of Christian socialism and +the brotherhood not only of man but of all living creatures. + +From an accepted habit of meat eating to complete ethical +vegetarianism as a regard to the sanctity of all life. A complete +Reverence of Life. + +From an intolerance towards the beliefs of others to a complete +understanding of the others point of view. A tolerance towards +others, accepting from them only as much as the given person can +understand in the given time and his mental and moral development, +and no more. But at the same time expecting to see that person +exercise in practice the full measure of that understanding and +belief. + +From a pride and satisfaction at her aristocratic origin, an +admission that this had no value and that the only thing that counted +was the "aristocracy of the spirit." + +From a worry of having to put a new fur collar on her winter coat to +a refusal to wear any fur as being the product of animal slaughter or +the product of the trap, producing protracted agony to the animals. + +From a lack of understanding, if not indifference, to animals and +dogs in particular, an intense devotion, love and work for all +animals and for dogs in particular. + +From an interest and participation in medicine, a complete reversal +in her attitude towards it because of the vivisectional basis of most +of it. As a result, an ardent and militant anti-vivisectionist. + +A complete change all along the line. + +Despite an often tragic look on life and a serious questioning of its +purposes, despite a great deal of sorrow which she always felt very +deeply, despite an often sad expression on her face in her +photographs, Nelka had a great deal of natural gaiety and a +tremendous sense of humor. She was always ready to see the funny +qualities of people or the funny side of events and could laugh with +a great deal of abandon. + +Despite her strong Russian nationalism, Nelka was fundamentally +cosmopolitan. Having had a diversified education in various +countries, speaking four languages and having traveled extensively +through many countries, she had a cosmopolitan mind and outlook and +was perfectly at home in any country and with any nationality, in any +surrounding. + +Nelka's mind was always a very philosophical mind and which was never +at rest. I have never known anyone who did so much constant thinking. +She was always thinking, her mind never idle, always trying to "think +things out." Many people are ready or willing to just "accept." Nelka +was never ready to just "accept." She would accept only after she +had thought it out and could accept it as a result of her own +thinking. + +Perhaps the most striking change in her outlook and belief was the +question of war. She had been a strong militarist; that is, that she +understood and justified and accepted war. In fact she considered +that this was the only right attitude that one could have and that +the willingness to go to war for an idea or a principle could not be +questioned. Thus, she had participated in three Wars. + +But then later, having seen all the horrors of war, its utter +futility, absurdity and uselessness and most of all its immorality +and its contradictions to the principles of the teachings of Christ, +she became an uncompromising and militant pacifist. + +Very characteristic of Nelka was her attitude towards all action and +activities motivated for a principle. She was never worried or +seeking results. She always said that one should do the right thing +as one understood it and not worry about the results, those will take +care of themselves. If you did the right thing, the result was bound +to come, but should not be the goal in itself--the goal only being to +try to do the maximum according to one's understanding. A very +admirable conception but one which it is not easy to accept by most +who only seek results and often with means which might not be the +right ones. The concept that the end justifies the means was +certainly the absolute opposite of what she was either seeking or +believing. + +It took courage to advocate such beliefs and even perhaps more +courage to be able to turn around and so fundamentally change the +beliefs from the ones held to the ones now accepted. But the concept +of accepting only that which one understands at the given time, +applied just as much to the beliefs first held as to the ones +ultimately accepted. + +Nelka was never afraid physically, but she was also never afraid +morally. + +I think after our marriage and also the circumstances of the +Revolution Nelka lost some of her restlessness. Marriage for better +or worse was an achievement and carried with it an obligation and a +purpose. She took the acceptance of marriage as a completeness and a +fusion of two persons into one. This in itself was an anchor which +held back the former restlessness. + +Also the Russia she loved so was gone as a practical and possible +entity and only a memory of a past devotion remained. Therefore, both +marriage and the Revolution brought about a stabilization of feelings +and a concentration as well. There was less possible diversion and +this brought a mental calm and satisfaction. There was less searching +or even the necessity for it. + +Her loyalty to the principles of marriage was complete like +everything else in her life to which she never gave less than +completeness. She always was looking for one hundred percent and +nothing less would do. + +In later years of her life and after our marriage, Nelka settled much +more mentally and morally and seemed to find many of the answers she +had so long been seeking. And this, not because of the external +differences of life or the establishment of a marital status, but +rather as the result of certain new currents of thought which came as +a result of the study of Theosophy and the wisdom of the East. + +While I cannot claim any personal influence which I may have +contributed, there certainly was no divergence and thus no upsetting +uncertainties. I think we were blessed in that way that we helped +each other and followed largely the same path of mental analysis hand +in hand. + +I feel and consider that I was exceptionally privileged in my life to +have had such a mate, such a guide, such a helper, such a companion. + +She never married before because she had not found the completeness +of feeling. I am grateful and happy to think that she found that +completeness with me, which I hope I was able to give her at least in +a measure. + +She gave me the complete devotion and love which she did for a very +happy existence and complete understanding between us for 45 years. +I, at least, understood what a very extraordinary person she was and +what a blessing had been bestowed on me for having had her for my +own. + +Nelka--a unique name for a unique person. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NELKA*** + + +******* This file should be named 22655-8.txt or 22655-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/5/22655 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + diff --git a/22655-8.zip b/22655-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e312e88 --- /dev/null +++ b/22655-8.zip diff --git a/22655.txt b/22655.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..58fd851 --- /dev/null +++ b/22655.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4099 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Nelka, by Michael Moukhanoff + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Nelka + Mrs. Helen de Smirnoff Moukhanoff, 1878-1963, a Biographical Sketch + + +Author: Michael Moukhanoff + + + +Release Date: September 17, 2007 [eBook #22655] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NELKA*** + + +E-text prepared by John Young Le Bourgeois + + + +NELKA + +(Mrs. Helen de Smirnoff Moukhanoff.) + +1878-1963 + +A Biographical Sketch. + +by Michael Moukhanoff + +1964 + + + + + + + +FOREWARD. + +In attempting this biographical sketch of Nelka I am using the +memories of 45 years together and also a great number of letters as +material. Her Aunt, Miss Susan Blow, had the habit of keeping +Nelka's letters over the years. There are some as early as when +Nelka was only five years old and then up to the year 1916, the year +her aunt died. These letters reflect very vividly the personality, +the ideas, the aspirations, the disappointments and the hopes of a +person over a period of a long life. They paint a very real picture +of her personality and for this reason I am using quotations from +these letters very extensively. + + + + +Nelka de Smirnoff was born on August 19, 1878 in Paris, France. + +Her father was Theodor Smirnoff, of the Russian nobility. Her +grandmother had tartar blood in her veins and was born Princess +Tischinina. Nelka's father was a brilliant man, finishing the +Imperial Alexander Lyceum at the head of his class. A versatile +linguist, he joined the Russian diplomatic service and occupied +several diplomatic posts in various countries, but died young, when +Nelka was only four years old, and was buried in Berlin. Nelka +therefore hardly knew him, though she remembered him and throughout +her life had a great veneration for him and loyalty for his memory. + +Nelka's mother was Nellie Blow, the daughter of Henry T. Blow of St. +Louis, Missouri. The Blow family, of old southern aristocratic +stock, moved from Virginia to St. Louis in 1830. Henry T. Blow was +then about fifteen years old and had several brothers and sisters. +He was a successful business man who became very wealthy and was also +a prominent public and political figure, both in St. Louis and +nationally. He was a friend of both Abraham Lincoln and of President +Grant and received appointments from them. He was minister to +Venezuela and later Ambassador to Brazil. He was active in politics +from 1850 on. Though his brothers were southern democrats, Henry Blow +took a stand against slavery and upheld the free-soil movement. +During the Civil War he was the only one of the family to take the +side of the Union and spent much of his time getting his brothers out +of prison camps. For a time he was state senator and for two terms +was Congressman in Washington. He also served as one of the three +Commissioners for the District of Columbia. + +He was married to Minerva Grimsley and had ten children. His daughter +Nellie Blow, while in Brazil with her father, met Theodor Smirnoff +who was then secretary at the Russian Embassy there. She married him +in Carondolet, part of St. Louis, where the family lived, in 1872. +They had three children, a boy and a girl, who died in infancy in St. +Petersburg, Russia, and another girl, Nelka, who was born in 1878 and +was therefore the only living child. + +Henry T. Blow's oldest daughter (and Nelka's aunt) Miss Susan Blow +was a prominent figure in the American educational movement, writing +and lecturing on education, and the one who introduced the Froebel +kindergarten system in the United States. The youngest daughter, +Martha, married Herbert Wadsworth of Geneseo, N.Y. She was a very +talented musician and painter and later became a very known +horsewoman. + +After Nelka's father died in Europe, her mother returned to America +and it was the first time that Nelka came here. As a daughter of a +Russian, Nelka was also a Russian subject and remained a Russian that +way to the end. After the Russian Revolution, having no allegiance to +the Soviet Government, she became what is known as "stateless," a +position which in later years she liked, for she always said that she +belonged to the World, not just one country. + +But as a child her mother wanted to bring her up as a Russian even +though in many ways this was difficult, for there were no relatives +and few connections left in Russia, her mother did not speak the +language and all ties and connections were in America. + +Because of this conflict of attachments, Nelka's mother and she +traveled many times back and forth between Europe and America. Her +mother gave her a very complete and broad education both in America +and in Europe. In Europe she attended a very exclusive and rather +advanced school in Brussels. Because of this Nelka spoke not only +perfect French and English, but German as well. + +When she was ten years old she went to a school in Washington. She +then already showed interest and love for animals which later became +a dominant feature in her life. + +Writing to her aunt Susie from Washington 1888: + +"At Uncle Charles Drake the boys have a little pet squirrel; it don't +bite them but it bites strangers if you give it a chance to. They +have some little guinea pigs that are very cute." + +She also at that age showed intellectual interests: + +Washington 1888. + +"I read very much now whenever I get a chance to. I think it is +splendid and always amusing. I can play lots of little duets on the +piano with Mama. I love it." + +Her stay in the school in Brussels was very profitable for her +studies and development and also showed in her letters how much +interest she took in everything. + +Brussels 1893. + +"I know what you mean about my getting older. You think that at every +different age I would be content to be that age if I did not get any +older. So I was. When I was ten I thought it would be dreadful to be +eleven, but when I was eleven I was quite satisfied if I did not have +to be twelve, and so on. But ever since I have been fourteen I have +thought it was awful and have never become reconciled to it." + +Brussels 1894. + +"I was first in grammar, literature and physics. Do you know the +'Melee' of Victor Hugo? I have just read it and I like it so much. I +would like to see some persons who have lived and who live. It makes +me crazy to see people vegetate." + +Brussels 1893. + +"We went to Waterloo. We went by carriage all the way, first through +the Bois de la Cambre and then on through the most perfect woods +imaginable. We went to a sort of little mound in the middle of the +battlefield with a huge lion on top as the emblem of victory. One +thing, although of no importance, I like so much, that was three +little birds nests one in the lion's mouth and one in each ear. +Wasn't it nice? We then went to the museum at the foot of the hill. I +got a photograph of Napoleon and one of Wellington. I have such a +contempt for Napoleon and I just take pleasure in comparing it with +the frank, open face of the Duke of Wellington." + +Already at that age she was seeking answers to moral questions and +showed her philosophical mind: + +Brussels 1894. + +"'Une injustice qu'on voit et qu'on tait: on la commet soi meme.' (An +injustice one sees and keeps quiet about: one commits it oneself.) I +wish more persons could or would recognize that truth." + +As a child Nelka did not speak Russian, because there was no one +around using this language. After her school in Brussels, her mother +took her to Russia to St. Petersburg. She was then seventeen. + +St. Petersburg 1895. + +"For the last few days I have been most blissfully absorbed in +Taine's 'Ideal dans l'Art.' I never knew it was in a separate volume. +It is splendid. Of course you know 'Character' of Smiles. I don't +care for it much, so sermony. I am going to the Hermitage tomorrow +just to see the Dutch and Flemish schools." + +The same year her mother took her to Paris and entered her to attend +lectures at the College de France while living at the Convent of the +Assumption. + +Paris 1895. + +"I have just come back from the College de France. I enjoyed the +lecture very much; it was on Stendhal. You will be perhaps surprised +to learn that my educational career has taken a sudden turn. I am +going into the Convent of the Assumption next week. Now don't be +horrified. The Assumption is an exception to all the convents; +besides the regular studies they have professors from the Sorbonne, +Lycee Henry IV and other colleges to come in and give lectures on +foreign literature, history, art, etc. Besides this unheard of +privilege they have an atelier for drawing with Ducet to correct, and +living models, men, women and children. Of course Mama never imagined +such a thing possible in a convent, the general idea of convents not +going beyond wax flowers. Here are the privileges I will have: + +1) Clock-like life and no time lost. +2) No risk of disagreeable associations as they are most particular +who they take. +3) I will see Mama almost every day. + +"I shall have to go to bed at eight! Just fancy that!!! But then I +have an astonishing capacity for sleeping and eating just now." + +While in Paris, in addition to the general subjects and the lectures +at the Sorbonne, Nelka also studied music, in particular the violin, +and at a time was quite proficient in it, though she did not keep it +up, as she did with painting, which she continued for a number of +years. + +Nelka's mother tried to bring her up in the Russian spirit with a +great veneration for the memory of her father. Nelka grew up with a +burning nationalistic feeling for Russia and a veneration for the +Russian Emperor. Her mother kept up relations with such Russians as +she knew or who were with the Russian Embassy when in Washington. And +later, when she grew up, Nelka continually kept up with her Russian +friends. + +I think characteristic of Nelka was her highly emotional expressions +of loyalty and devotion, an emotion which dominated all of her life +and all of her actions. Anything she did or undertook was primarily +motivated by emotion or feeling rather than reason, but once decided +upon was carried out with determination and a great deal of will +power. + +But because the difference of national attachments and the resulting +conflict there was always a tearing apart and a division, a duality +of attachments both to Russia and to America, and this seems to have +been an emotional disturbance which lasted with her for a great many +years. + +Her first, overwhelming emotional feeling was a patriotic +nationalistic devotion to Russia and a mystic devotion to the Emperor +and the Russian Orthodox Church. Then her next emotional feelings +embraced the devotion and loyalty for her family and her kin. + +But in Russia she had no relatives and all her family was in America. +Because of that there seemed always a conflict of emotions, +attachments and loyalties which dominated as a disturbance throughout +her life, at least through the first half of it. This conflict of +feelings was upsetting and painful and she suffered a great deal from +the frustrations that these emotions often brought about. + +The Russian education of feelings for Russia which her mother tried +to install in her succeeded, for throughout life Nelka remained a +faithful Russian in all of her feelings and while having so many ties +in America, and being herself half American, she was constantly in +conflict with the 'American way of life.' + +From her early childhood Nelka had a tremendous love and devotion not +only to her mother but also to her two aunts, Miss Blow and Mrs. +Wadsworth. When in America she and her mother would stay either in +Ashantee with the Wadsworths or in Cazenovia where Miss Blow had her +home. + +Early in life she was seeking and trying to think things out. She was +never satisfied, never ready to accept something but always tried to +analyze it through her own thinking. At the age of twenty she wrote +in 1898: + +"I have absolutely no facility for expression; that is what is the +matter. I see persons so clever, so talented, and genuine in their +line and with absolutely distorted points of view. How aggravating. I +feel that in due time I may get to see something clearly (at least +thus far, if I do not see things clearly, I have not been pleased to +see any other way), and I am craving a means of giving out. You will +say I need the persistence to educate myself in the technique of some +mode of rendering my impressions. I suppose it is so. That is what I +have always meant with this desire to 'exhaust' myself. I need to +work. I need to give out or I shall have such a mental indigestion +that I shall no longer be able to form a single thought. As it is, so +many things are fleeting through me in incompleteness, in mere +suggestion and so simultaneously at that, that I am bewildered. O, +for complete cessation of consciousness, since this consciousness is +but that of an amalgamation quantity of incomprehensible suggestions, +or else, for a vent for some of this shapeless, immature acquisition, +so that something at least can complete itself." + +Was this just a disturbance of youth, of any youth, not completely +empty-headed, frivolous or superficial, or was this the result of a +distinct inheritance of two very different and opposing +personalities, of so different nationalities and with an addition of +even tartar blood? I don't know. The fact remains that she was +constantly emotionally disturbed and constantly seeking the answers +of life, that so many have done and so few have found. + +In the same year, not long before her mother died, she wrote from +Narragansett Pier 1898: + +"I am very much puzzled still on individuality, that is, on its +everlasting existence. I do not see at all how it can be, but I am +waiting. Perhaps I can see soon. I have been trying to get a +definition for art and for beauty. I have nothing that satisfies me +yet. Art and beauty: I do not connect them at all in my mind. Art +is based on significance first and this does not depend on beauty. +Beauty is much more difficult to define than art. We have somehow +got the idea that only the beautiful pleases. Can beautiful be +applied to whatever pleases? I don't think so. Beauty is +truthfulness of what? Of the original intention I suppose. Is +beautiful something or is it not? Anyway I detach it from that which +pleases. If beauty is something distinct that which pleases is not +always beautiful. Is beauty independent of taste? It is so hard to +think out. However, I never think anything without knowing it, and I +know very few things, needless to say." + +Washington 1898. + +"It is terrible to be twenty! But I proved myself still young in +being able to shed a tear over my departed teens. Mama and all of +our little Russian colony drank my health wishing me each in turn to +find myself each year one year younger, till I had to stop them less +they eclipse me altogether. I think my nineteenth was the fullest +year I have ever had--crammed." + +When she was twenty, Nelka went with her mother to Narragansett Bay +for the summer. Here a very tragic event took place which left an +imprint on Nelka, if not for life, then certainly for many years. +One afternoon, while sitting and talking with her mother, the latter +suddenly collapsed and died instantly. Nelka was there all alone +with her. The blow was terrible. For a very long time, being highly +emotional, she could not get over this tragic end of a person with +whom she had always been so close and so intimate. She went into +deep mourning and remained in a state of frozen sorrow. Writing to +her aunt Susie she expressed so vividly the tragic feeling of +complete sorrow which gripped her: + +St. Louis 1898. + +"No one could offer more generously what unfortunately I feel that I +may never have. Don't misunderstand me, dear Poodie, but my 'home' +was forever lost when Mama left me and I can never find it except +with her. I am Mama's own and my 'home' such as you mean it can only +exist in memory and anticipation." + +"I am thankful to God that I am left on earth with such aunts as you +and Pats. Not many in my situation are so blessed. I shall always +feel alone. But perhaps I have had more of Mama than many have in +twice the time." + +It is true that by circumstances she had always lived very much +together with her mother, who as a widow had nothing but her. Even +when Nelka was in school, her mother lived in the same city and saw +her constantly, and their closeness was very complete. + +Again she writes: + +"In all events I have had more in life than I deserve, more than one +should dare hope for." + +"I was sorry to disappoint you yesterday, but I cried all the +afternoon." + +A year later--Washington 1899. + +"Try as I will I do not see how I can ever take up any interest +again. I have so little desire to go on with anything and I am so +satisfied with what I have had." + +Washington 1899. + +"I went to church this morning and I was surprised to realize how +heathenish and unchristian the sermon sounded to me. It was painful +to feel that I did not believe one word of what a Christian minister +said. What a network man seems to have made of the simplest things, +wherein to be everlastingly confounded. Might one just look up and +reach out overhead, instead of looking around one and trying to grope +at one's level. Truths made intangible by the impenetrable meshes of +faulty creeds and imperfect reasoning." + +Ashantee 1899. + +"Please do not worry about me. I told you that I was peaceful and +content, which I am. I want nothing which I cannot get and my mind +is reposeful. I do not care to understand anything. That I have got +to accept whatever may come is manifest and the wherefore has ceased +to trouble me, if it ever did. In the instances that have thus far +come up in my life, what I should do has always been palpable enough +and has required more determination or will. My inclination is to do +as little as I can to maintain my peace of conscience. While I have +no feeling of lassitude, I also feel no incentive, and while without +this one need not fail utterly, one will not probably accomplish +much." + +"I don't believe there are many happy lives. Mama gave me more +happiness in the given number of years than I shall ever have again, +though doubtless, if I live long enough, I shall have some more happy +moments. This is to be supposed. But all this matters so very, very +little." + +"I don't think that out of what is anything better is going to be." + +"The external situation in general is not bad and as far as I can +see, the trouble lies in the natures of the individuals and is more +or less beyond remedy. The tragedy arriving from trying to unite in +action and purpose where in mind and heart and soul there is no +union, no mutual illumination, no mutual comprehension of the point +of view, will be everlasting. 'Constater et accepter' and the sooner +to 'constater' correctly, the sooner futile struggle ends." + +"Goodnight. I neither weep nor laugh and I am glad to go to bed; +might be a good deal worse off, if I had no bed." + +Ashantee 1899. + +"I have lots of things to talk to you about but I don't know where to +begin. I want to say one thing that I think, which is that I think +it is very difficult to judge practically when a too analytical +definition of a condition or state is substituted for the ordinary +and worldly vernacular. I think one must often fall into error from +too great an attempt of metaphysical accuracy (precision), for +whatever the thing in essence, the reaction thereof upon the +multitude is made more forcible and more lucid to the mind by the +term applied to it at large. For instance a crank is not a person of +peculiar fancies." + +Ashantee 1899. + +"Great griefs are beyond all expression, but the stillness of +agonizing moments is worse. Why, oh, why anything?" + +"I cannot feel anything. That makes variety but it is being alone in +interests, the feeling unchanged, the purposes conceived and striven +for singly that makes the struggle seem hard and the achievement +futile." + +A girl of twenty or twenty-one, she was always questioning, always, +seeking, always disturbed. + +Ashantee, December 1899. + +"You see I am making use of the divine right of the individual which +you are ever proclaiming and you must not mistake this for +unniecelike freedom of speech. I can only live and learn and perhaps +learn to see how often I am mistaken. I am still in that pitiful +state of youthful consciousness and have with it the confidence to +act upon what I think. And to me almost every general rule becomes +transformed under the allowances one must make for the modifications +of the issue at hand. I think that often all that is most vital in +life may be lost be adhering to formulated precepts and I think that +every occasion calls for special and particular consideration for its +solution." + +After staying a while in America, after her mother's death, Nelka +decided to go to Europe in order to change her ideas and get away +from memories. This was a wise move and gave her a great deal of +comfort, and helped build up her morale. She first went to Paris +where she once again went to the Convent of the Assumption and took +up the study of painting in earnest at the Julien studios. From +Paris she also went to visit her friends the Count Moltke and his +wife in Denmark and then later went for four months to Bulgaria where +she stayed with Mr. and Mrs. Bakhmeteff, my uncle who was Russian +ambassador in Sofia and Madame Bahkmeteff who was Nelka's godmother. +These two years in Europe were a very happy, steadying and pleasant +time for Nelka and she regained a hold of herself. Especially she +loved Paris as she always did. She told me once that when in Paris +at the time she was so exhilarated that she felt like walking on air. +But her observations of life and its questions continued as always, +something that never left her. She wrote a great deal to her aunt +Susie and there are many interesting observations made during that +period. + +Paris 1899. + +"I don't believe there is any use trying to understand things until +an issue comes up and I believe that anyone who has heretofore +responded to the flagrant necessities and requirements of life will +be able to solve and meet more readily, more justly and more normally +any problem which may arise. More is there to be learned and more +balance and judgment gained in attending to one's most minute duties +than in hours of mental anticipation of possible events and +questions, conjured up in necessary incompleteness. What beauty +there is here! The intellectual and emotional stimulus would make a +cow tingle, and yet not some people I know." + +Paris 1899. + +"I am disgusted with the ending of the century with two wars, it is a +disgrace. I think the whole world is very horrible anyhow and I +don't believe in worldly goods and possessions, or countries, or +governments and I don't see why everyone by inhabiting tropical +climes couldn't dispense with clothes and even the lazy could find +food where the vegetation is luxuriant. I think it is artificial to +live in a place where one's own skin is not sufficient protection +against the weather. I think the whole organization of everything is +abominable and I don't believe it is a necessary stage of +development. Most ordinary lives are the quintessence of +artificiality and the grossest waste of time. I am more than ever +against the 'me' in myself. It is the source of all evil." + +Paris 1900. + +"I have read some illuminating bits and I think I will finish by +finally building myself a scant but solid creed for I have cast all +preconceived notions from me, rooted out all expressions of habit and +influence, and cleared, though perhaps still warped dwelling of my +former tentative suppositions will contain henceforth but the jewels +of certain convictions, or remain empty evermore!" + +Paris 1900. + +"The stimulating effect of this place is wonderful. I don't know +what it is, but it is just life to everything in one. I have +absolute peace of mind and I have no mental worries or torments. +Nothing seems complicated, nothing seems involved and everything that +I can help is satisfactory. I want to lose myself in my work and I +have every advantage for doing so. Paris is wonderful, I never so +appreciated it before." + +"I am so busy, I have my whole week planned ahead for almost every +second. You see I am at the studio every morning including Saturday +and have several lessons a week in the afternoon. New Years I dined +at the La Beaumes. There was just the immediate family and we were +twenty-three at table." (These were part of a French branch of the +relatives of Nelka on her mother's side.) + +Paris 1900. + +"I can understand people with no sentiment, but I will not tolerate +people who scoff at it." + +"I am so glad to have the Russian church here. I go every Sunday." + +Paris 1900. + +"I don't have a minute to spare. This is what I wanted and the life +though very full is easy and tranquil. The free reality of thought +is delightful and wonderful. I do not include freedom of expression. +I wonder how much I fool myself? It is not an intolerance which +wishes to promote self but which is limited and dead to a variation +of its own species because it lacks the consciousness of its own +incompleteness. A man who does not wish to dominate and emphasize +his will upon his surroundings, including people, is not a whole man. +My Russian is getting on. I will be very glad when I have mastered +the language, then I am going to begin Italian." + +As a child Nelka did not speak Russian and only started studying it +when grown up. When she later went to Russia she still was very weak +in the language and only gradually picked it up with practice, but +eventually knew it very well. + +Paris 1900. + +"How madly busy all the little people are, bussing over the planet, +and for what? How nice it is to go to sleep. I am going to bed. +P.S. I think it is an intellectual crime to wear long skirts in the +streets." + +Paris 1900. + +"One must be earnest or else laugh at everything and end in despair. +I am so satisfied with my present condition that I think it would be +foolish to upset it all after so short a time. I am just beginning to +feel the peaceful reaction of it all and I dread the idea of getting +roused again before having fully got hold of myself. The total +change I felt necessary proved a salvation and that complete absence +of all reminders of the past year is the only thing wherein I can get +quiet. I do not want to go over what I have felt. Suffice it to say +that I want to stay just as I am until after next winter when I will +feel like going back to America without regret. I do not feel equal +to any more emotions." + +Paris 1900. + +"I do not understand the 'variety of perfection.' I think it is +impossible and therefore absurd to try to preface for this life, well +up on our own inheritance, as you say. There has been too much +practical research and study and not enough character building, the +result: total lack of balance and maniacs. Anything better that +would admit of more possibility of collectedness of peaceful +contemplation of the possibility of perfecting the least act with the +whole of oneself. The least act is worth it. How does one live now? +Scattered over the universe, over the time. There are no whole +people except a few who keep their entirety within the arbitrary +limitations of prejudice and habitual notions of which they are +possessed. The other: they are fragments, cranks and nonentities. +One more thing, I do not think that a nation can be judged by its +great men. Great men belong to humanity, to the century, to anything +but not to their country. I think intelligence and capacity is never +local, and it is the average and the habit of life that determines +the country." + +Paris 1900. + +"I do not think that anything is likely to happen to me except +perhaps softening of the brain and that would happen anywhere. I +have seen no one to whom it is likely that I will lose my heart, so I +am quite safe." + +Paris 1900. + +"I do find everything so funny, and people so funny, not individuals, +but as a whole, by funny I mean queer. The senseless mode of +existence, the superfluous education: these artificial restrictions. +It is especially the artificiality of so many things. Who is going +to do away with it all? I don't understand anything and I know there +is no use trying to build up an understanding on rules." + +That summer Nelka went for a month's visit to Denmark to her friends +Count and Countess Moltke. + +Glorupvej, Denmark 1900. + +"We were still two days on the steamer getting to Bremen and then we +changed trains and boats about fifteen times in 24 hours getting +here. But once here it is beyond all words in delight. The place is +perfectly beautiful. I cannot describe it to you. It is so quiet, +so far away from everything. Beautiful forests that we drive +through, deer all over, swans, fountains and all so old. I lead a +most regular of lives. Everyone is exact to the minute, for meals +and everything. I feel that it is a very great opportunity I am +having to be here in Denmark and see all this new country. It is so +interesting and I enjoy it so much. It was very sweet of Louisette +to ask me." + +Glorupvej, Denmark 1900. + +"What you write in answer to my saying that I like 'whole soulness': +it is precisely the whole soulness which is not a conscious conquest +that I like. I appreciate the merit of the last but it is not that +which attracts me, which also reminds me that I want to tell you that +I have come to the firm, clear and definite conclusion that a person +that loves is not necessarily loving, nor a person that gives +necessarily generous. A loving person may never love and a generous +person may never give, and the practice of either quality does not +indicate an impulse. One can conceive, accept and appropriate the +idea of generosity, lovingness, etc., etc., and act it, but that is +not the thing. I hate all effort which has for its aim the creation +of self, the conscious creation. I like the self to become through +slavery to the best natural impulses and through sacrifice brought in +one's affections. Seeing that we do depend on each other, it seems +to me admissible that the surrender of self, which continues to be +with me the highest of everything, should allow of a direct object as +its means. I used to have a holy respect of the majority. Now, when +I see how many imbeciles go to make up that majority I am no longer +afraid to throw over any precept that has filtered into my head, and +if ever there was a revolutionist in thought, it is I. Foolish +beliefs and hobbies have become adorned with so much that appeals to +the sense of the beautiful that one clings even to that, but then +that is another element which can envelop rational things as well. +Of course all cannot help but be well, but then I am sure that the +present condition is quite off the track and I have no respect for +anything but pain, joy and sacrifice which are the only realities. +Life makes standards and standards don't make life." + +Glorupvej 1900. + +"I can tolerate wrong and weakness and everything else but that +search for self and above all that pompous blowing of a horn before +such empty things, such big sounding ambitions, that mock glory, that +swelling in noble pride upon such fictitious hallucinations, that +poor mesquin grandness. It is exasperating. I hate ambition to +achieve. However, I suppose I am very foolish. I am a mass of +vanity and self-seeking in my own way, but it is a great pleasure to +cry down. I get roused sometimes on things that are not my business +and I have felt very much inclined to express my opinion about some +thing, but I suppose I had better not." + +"My life I think is molded on circumstance and on the best of my +instinct and judgment which may be faulty but which in every special +instance seems the safest to me. To remind oneself constantly that +one's life is made up of days prevents one from taking most things +'au tragique' and makes existence passable enough." + +Paris 1900. + +"Life is so short. The only peace is in remembering how short life +is. I work so hard at my painting. My efforts alone deserve some +results, but it is slow in forthcoming. This week however there is +an improvement. I get up before seven every day and go to bed at +nine and drink eight glasses of milk a day. I hope you are pleased. +Some emotion, more extremeness, some craziness, some feeling, really +I think it is necessary. I do not see any satisfaction in anything +but intense feeling. Intense feeling which may come even in the +quietest of lives and which does not depend upon external events. It +is astonishing how easy it is to be tolerant of people's +personalities, however unsympathetic to one, and how very easy also +to be intolerant of their point of view." + +"There is nothing so disastrous as to be fooled by the appreciation +where it is not deserved. How I wish I could do any one thing well." + +Paris 1900. + +"I hope it is a satisfaction to you to know how well pleased I am +here and that I am absolutely content. I think I will indulge myself +and get a jewel with your Xmas present. 'The Perfect One' loves to +deck out in gems! I have been reading an essay on Tolstoi and I am +took with an attack of asceticism, unequaled by any heretofore. +This, following my last sentence, is charmingly typical of my +character, is it not? There is one girl here who really might be +very nice. She is eyed as being somewhat emancipated by the +household I think, but I think it is only Youthful freshness of a +first departure and inexperience in calculating the impression she +makes on the style of her audience." + +At the end of the same year Nelka went for four months to Sofia, +Bulgaria where she stayed with the Russian Minister Mr. Bakhmeteff, +my uncle and Madame Bakhmeteff who was an American and Nelka's +godmother. + +She enjoyed very much that stay in Bulgaria and had a very +interesting and pleasant time and great success. From Sofia she +wrote a number of letters which reflect both the interest of her stay +there as well as the continued constant searching so typical of her +youth, and perhaps of her whole life. + +Sofia 1900. + +"How can I tell you how I feel at being here. It is an entirely new +world. So interesting and so beautiful! No one could be lovelier to +me than Madame Bakhmeteff. She comes in to my room every two minutes +and asks me if I have anything under the sun and seems so pleased to +have me here. It is really delightful. I have a sitting room next +to my bedroom all to myself, filled with every book that I have been +longing to get hold of. Everything is so picturesque. I was +delighted with Denmark but how different this is. There is something +I respond to in that orderly, cold atmosphere, but I think there is +more that I respond to in the Orient. How much more simple and less +complicated the life is here. I was almost stopped at the Hungarian +and Servian frontier because I had no passport. By the merest chance +I had a very old one in my bag which was absolutely invalid but +which, added to my absolute refusal to leave the train, got me by the +three frontiers in the end. I called a Turk and a Servian who were +in the same compartment to my rescue and for an hour or more carried +on a heated discussion in every language. I am going to ride every +day much to my delight. The diplomatic corps have to depend almost +entirely on each other and it is very interesting being thrown with +people of so many different nationalities. I have been living so +fully it seems to me for the last three or four years and still +always a crescendo. I don't know why I always write so much about +myself--egotistical youth--but how I realize my youth. Even while +youth itself makes my head whirl, I stand back within myself and say +almost sadly--it is youth. It is sad in a way because I know that +the reaction of great interest upon me is youth, and not the +interest." + +Sofia 1900. + +"You speak of danger; I don't see where danger is. The worst evil is +prejudice. Without prejudice and without too much drive for worldly +attainments, I don't see much danger. I am satisfied as far as I +myself am concerned. Every moment is exciting and the regret or +irritation I feel against many existing conditions is not wholly +disagreeable. This is youth, and when I am older I will jog along at +a slower rate. I am not like you, or like almost anyone I know, but +I admire and respect those most whom I resemble the least. I am one +mass of contradictions to myself, perhaps, supremely self-centered." + +Sofia 1900. + +"The freedom I have, good or bad, does not depend on the external +conditions of one's life. I have enough sense of what is practical +to keep in certain lines. No conditions on earth would hamper me +mentally and I want to get life-proof through living." + +"How I hate business! More and more I am beginning to think less and +less of what one accomplishes materially in this life. What does it +matter? I think it is less help to be able to help those about one a +little materially and be more or less a nonentity as an individual +than to be able to mean something as a person with a heart and +comprehension. There are some beautiful things in this life that +everything organized tries to make hideous and monstrous and I would +always say 'gather ye roses while ye may.' I think that every one +has almost a right to some happiness and a certain indulgence and the +'droit de temperament,' means something and need not always be +selfish. If you do not think this, then there is only the other +extreme of austere abnegation of self for any cause however trivial. +Nature is the only guide and I don't believe Nature is bad. Of +course the curse of freedom will allow one for a long time to distort +and vilely modify natural instincts, but at least one can fly from +the too palpable artificial. Dear Poodie, don't sigh. I only let +off steam in words--that is safe. I am still a slave to this +disgusting civilization and always your very devoted 'Perfect One', +that is to be, or might have been, Nelka." + +Sofia 1900. + +"I really ought not to talk because I don't give myself the trouble +to put my thoughts on general things in order and in every comment I +always have the desire to embrace everything. I follow my own +thoughts but love the immediate point and my brain is not in the +proper condition to command its own vagaries." + +Sofia 1900. + +"What a delightful and full summer I have had. I can only reiterate +that I am satisfied. I have had so much. Given my nature and my +life, more than anyone I know. I may be mistaken in everything but I +never doubt my application when I am about to act. Perhaps I will +some day, but I don't think so. I have learned a certain 'science de +la vie,' meaning this time the artificial, irrational life that is +practiced and that I despise. Apart from this I have my own notion +of real life and that is my own luxury. When I write so it sounds so +big and so out of place for a girl, I always regret saying anything. +If what I think means anything it will be shown in my life and so far +my life is only a selfish, soft existence, so perhaps that is all I +mean. I don't know that I love many things with conviction, but I +know I have a contempt with conviction for many things." + +"I have stopped looking at life as written with a big L. Regarding +it only as an indefinite term of years is much less appalling; it +does not lessen the joys and does lessen the sorrows and +disappointments. The method now is to catch every minute and stretch +it for all it is worth." + +"You say I am not adaptive. It is difficult to s'entendre on what +that means. Many sides I am, to my detriment. Too many sides for it +seems to me I can fit into almost any opening with equal interest. +And I find very few environments wholly uncongenial. I am not +conscious of exacting in my nature any particular strain or line but +what irritates and antagonizes me in any environment is the +presumption on the part of the creator of that environment that +theirs is the only world-view. I suppose the really strongest thing +in me is an instinctive spirit of contradiction, for I always rise +spontaneously against anything and everything that is proclaimed to +me as being so. This is perhaps rather sweeping but it is more or +less so. People influence me never by what they tell me but by the +general impression they make on me and that I see them make on other +people. I believe what I just wrote is nonsense. I only mean to say +that I am only intolerant of intolerance. I think the ordinary rules +of good behavior demand a certain amount of tolerance and with that +any milieu is possible. I am sure of a few things but these few +things are very firmly fixed in my mind. Nothing surprises me." + +Sofia, 1900. + +"I know there is a certain fundamental something in me that will make +me apply the same reasoning to everything and I am never worried +about any question. In fact I don't know what it is to have a +question in mind--that which might be one is simply left out. I +cannot say I know myself of course, but I know more of myself than +anyone else does and I am certainly more severe. I do not recognize +a good thing in me. I believe I am level headed and more or less +reasonable, but that is not my merit. Any sanity of judgment I have +comes from Mama. Whatever good there may be is due entirely to her. +I am not afraid of anything. I am ready for anything. The truth is +the only thing worth caring about. Not the great universal truths +that one can search and cherish while living in a mass of lies but +just the truthfulness of one's life and everyday actions. Try to +call things what they are and it is a perfect realm of ever +increasing delight, for everything around us is lies from beginning +to end. But in general everything is lies and the ambitions are all +false and the education is no better than the shoes that are put on +Chinese female feet to stunt and deform them. What a sweet and +perfect simile. How did I happen to fall on it?" + +Sofia 1900. + +"I am thinking seriously of working just about twice as much as I did +last winter. If one would do anything the least in art one must give +oneself to it 24 hours and live these 24 hours double. There is no +art but good art and what is not best is not art at all. I hate +pretense. It only exists among people who know nothing. I know +nothing in any line but I would rather remain a nullity studying with +serious intentions than profit of or repose upon some meaningless +accidental achievement. Of all traits presumption is the most +insufferable. Oh, how one is anxious to put one's finger in pies one +is completely incapable of understanding." + +After her stay in Bulgaria, Nelka return to Paris to finish her +studies before returning to America. + +Paris 1901. + +"Oh how stimulating this place is and how much study and achievement +there is. What a lecture I heard. It was more helpful to me than +anything I can remember for a long while. And what a book I have +got! A complete resignation without losing energy on one's work at +hand that is what one may strive for. Energy and conviction and elan +are not usually resigned to all obstacles and resignation is often +lassitude. I feel resignation so necessary and at the same time I +have such infinite faith in the power of 'il faut' (one must). The +worst thing I am afraid of is to become tired in the way I mean. I +think it is more hopeless than disgust and disillusion." + +Paris 1900. + +"Where can I read something holding your point of view which would be +more within my range of understanding than Hegel? I can't understand +free will as independent of our physical being and I don't see how +will can be something different from a kind of complicated reflex. I +am afraid there is no help for it. I will have to inform myself +somehow. Anyway my head always seems clearer over here. I wish I +could be so in America. You would not believe how waked up I can +get. I believe it is in the air. There is something both +stimulating and relaxing in the moral atmosphere that I feel only +here." + +After her stay in Paris and Bulgaria, Nelka returned to America and +stayed either with her aunt Miss Blow or with her aunt Mrs. +Wadsworth: in the summer in Cazenovia or Ashantee, in winter in +Washington where her Aunt Martha had a large house which had just +been built and occupied for the first time in 1900. Her aunt kept up +a very active social life and while Nelka stayed through all this +social activity she never liked it. She kept in close contact with +the varied European embassies and especially the Russian embassy, +where she enjoyed the influence of the European atmosphere. + +Ashantee, November 1901. + +"I do not want to complicate the interpretations of my condition and +I want above all things to cease dwelling so selfishly upon it. +There is no need of looking for unaccountable voids, longings and the +like. I have been unhappy and shattered ever since Mama died. My +own nature gives me much to contend with and I want to get away from +it all. I am unfit for anything but concentration, and I am not made +for the world I live in. If I am not married by the time I am +twenty-seven, I am determined to go into a convent or our Red Cross. +I may change my mind many times but this is my last word for the +present. I have a contempt, when not pity, for the lives of most of +the people I see around me and mine is among the most selfish and +aimless. I do not wish to read or think or study. And as for +'consciously living for a true world view,' I want to run away from +every form of consciousness." + +Ashantee 1901. + +"You speak in your letter of forming an unconscious totality of +feeling and tendency out of their necessarily limited experiences, +and of not living independently of the deposit of human struggle and +thump. Certainly one should perhaps profit by the last but I cannot +imagine acquiring anything: conviction, principle, or any attitude of +mind except by simple experience. I think we may experience in an +ordinary life all that is necessary to build a sufficient and +adequate world view. And what I read means nothing to me except +where I can compare it with my own experience or consider it in +relation to my own experience. I do not think that I can have a +proper world view until I am old enough to have had time to +experience life and I don't want to go ahead of my experience in +reading." + +Ashantee, November 1901. + +"Kitty and I have just come in from a long disagreeable day in +Rochester where we are having clothes made. It is extremely painful +to me, but all this kind of thing just pushes me more in the opposite +direction and makes me firmer in my fast maturing resolution. I am +exceedingly blue. In fact, it is only occasionally that I am not so, +and, as in the light of the world I have an unusual amount of things +to make me the contrary, it must mean surely that I am not of the +world and I wish, wish, wish that I were out of it." + +Ashantee, December 1901. + +"I am going to try and be reasonable and as mildly satisfactory as I +may be and avoid extremes and keep hold of myself, as the only +possible justification of my points of view and ideas, for no one +will agree with them, and one cannot claim any merit in these, when +the result offered is not better than anyone else." + +"I will never be influenced by anyone until I see someone who masters +intelligently, calmly and practically situations as they occur. I +have a great deal in myself to fight and the powerful helping +influence has been Mama and the warnings I have had from witnessing +things that went wrong. I think the more one lives and the more one +thinks, the simpler things get. The greatest of all dangers seems to +me to fool oneself. Really this seems to me to be the only hopeless +plight and there comes to a certain fascination in trying to say +things plainly to oneself. Nothing is as strong as plain truth about +a thing, and the moment one shirks it one is lost." + +One can see that back in America she was again distressed, +discontented and uncertain. She had lost the tranquility and the +assurance which she had while in Europe. It seems to me that for +some reason or other this feeling of unsatisfaction was always much +greater in America than in Europe and here she was always disturbed. + +A heavy test to her feelings of loyalty for Russia came with the +advent of the Russo-Japanese war in 1904. America was in those days +very pro-Japanese and Nelka suffered in her feelings while living in +Washington. Finally, in a feeling of exasperation, she left +Washington in 1904 and returned to Paris. Here she studied at the +French Red Cross to qualify as a nurse. She also resumed her +painting studies. For medical practice she worked at a children's +dispensary. + +Denmark 1903. + +"The trip is such a complicated one (back to Paris) with such +indefinite changes and waits that I feel sure it would not be right +to go alone despite my mature years, and so there is nothing to do." + +(She was 25 years old.) + +Paris 1904. + +"I have painted a portrait of myself, grinning from ear to ear, which +you probably would not like, but it is the best I think I have done. +It was for the Salon with Julien's great approval but it was refused +with eight thousand other masterpieces. It is a fearful blow to me +but salutary for my soul no doubt and this being my holy week I am +going to try to benefit from the disappointment and chagrin. I must +go and study now. I am doing 5 hours a day of concentrated study." + +"I am having an attack of 'anti.' I am getting to feel further and +further away. I like Denmark. I am very much interested in the +country, the people, the language. I think the difference between +countries, the national characteristics so curious. This is such a +beautiful place. It grows upon me more and more. The park is lovely +with deer, hares and pheasants all around." + +Paris, 1904. + +"I go to the dispensaire every morning. I have got so much into it +that I cannot get out. I enjoy it so much that I only remember once +in a great while that I am be doing a little good in it as well. +This war makes me feel terribly unhappy for many reasons, I cannot +explain. I have an unreasoning longing to be in Russia and doing +something. It seems such a useless ridiculous war and so much loss. +I cannot understand the way people view things. The loss of life and +suffering just make me sick. I see no dignity or sense in anything +but quiet and peace. The more importance one attaches to a question, +the more pitiful and absurd it seems. What matters externally?" + +Paris 1904. + +"I feel old and addled. I am still dispensing with rage and interest. +I was given a number of girls to give an illustration lesson in +bandaging this morning. We have had a number of interesting cases +lately. I shall be sorry to leave them." + +(She was 26 years old, working at the French dispensary.) + +Paris 1904. + +"I have always before undertaken too much and accomplished less. I do +not think it is what one studies but the way one studies anything +which amounts to anything. As I have often said before, I have more +faith in what I think in spite of myself, in the preferences that I +discover in myself, than in those things which I consciously +investigate. About the affections, I don't know. The affections I +have seem stable enough to me and I feel an ultimate capacity for a +larger order." + +After completing her Red Cross studies in Paris and receiving a +diploma which granted her the status of an apprentice nurse, Nelka +made arrangements to go to Russia. This was not an easy undertaking. +Nelka had few connections in Russia; her knowledge of the language +was limited, her knowledge as a nurse likewise limited, and it took a +great deal of determination to carry her plan through. + +The war at the moment was coming to an end with the defeat of Russia +and a revolutionary movement was afoot. The front thousands of miles +away made transportation of the wounded lengthy and difficult, and, +long after the hostilities had come to an end, a steady stream of +wounded continued to arrive in the capital. + +It was a trying and difficult time for Nelka. She was deeply upset +by the tragic events of the lost war and the grumblings of the +revolution. + +She got in touch with some friends in Russia to help make necessary +arrangements. A friend of her mother's, Mr. Pletnioff, made all +preliminary arrangements to have her accepted in the Kaufman +community of sisters under the leadership of Baroness Ixkull, a very +cultivated and capable person. + +Also the Bakhmeteffs were at that time in St. Petersburg and they too +helped make arrangements. Despite the fact that Nelka was then 26 +years old, she did not feel that she should travel alone and was +trying to find someone who was going to Russia from Paris. A friend +who was to go had to put off her trip and so recommended Nelka to a +friend of hers, a Madame Sivers, with whom she went and with whom +later she became quite a friend. + +When she arrived she went at first to stay with Mr. and Mrs. +Bakhmeteff. + +Early in 1905 she wrote from St. Petersburg, upon her arrival: + +"Yesterday already I saw Madame Hitrovo, Veta, Rurik and Veta's son" +(my grandmother, my mother and my uncle). + +This was the first time that I saw Nelka. The Bakhmeteffs gave a +luncheon at the Hotel de France where they were staying to meet +Nelka. As it was a family affair with no outsiders, my mother took +me along. I was then about seven years old. A child of seven is not +generally impressed by a grown up person, but Nelka made a tremendous +impression on me when I first saw her: an impression which never left +me throughout life. From that day on she meant something to me, and +that something grew and grew in my feelings for her with time and +years. + +The Russian Red Cross had a number of sister "Communities" who were +managed by ladies of the Russian society. The one Nelka joined was +the Kaufman community under the able management of Baroness Ixkull. + +Nelka wrote from St. Petersburg in 1905: + +"Baroness Ixkull seems an awfully clever, energetic and altogether +charming person. I think although the Bakhmeteffs highly approve, +they are afraid she is just on the edge of being a little 'advanced,' +which to such arch conservatives as they, seems all wrong. The +extremes are very great. You see Pletnioff is somewhat liberal, but +nothing in the sense that the word is used abroad and Mr. Bakhmeteff +is for the strictest adherence to middle age regime. Between the two +I must find the just milieu. Anyway everyone is in a certain sense +conservative just now. For the moment I can only tell you of my +delight at being here. I suppose the Constitution had to come but +surely autocracy is the only ideal Government and I am sorry that the +nation was not equal to it." + +Here we see this very distinct adherence to the principles of the +Russian government of the autocratic regime, the adherence to which +seemed only natural and acceptable to Nelka in her idea of a +patriotic Russian. + +St. Petersburg 1905. + +"Tomorrow it will be one week that I am in the hospital and I am +getting quite accustomed to it. It is certainly a very complete +change of habits in every way, but the essentials are all right. +Over and above everything is the joy of at last being able to do, if +only a little, for the poor soldiers who have suffered so much and +who are so good and patient. I shall never cease to regret that I +did not get here at the beginning of the war. This is a perfectly +beautiful hospital, quite large and everything perfect. The soldiers +are so well provided for that I should think that some of them would +almost hate to leave; but oh, Poodie, it is so terrible to see them, +many so young, without arms or legs and one whose head was almost +blown off, so grateful to have a new glass eye put in him the other +day. Soon they are going to make him a nose. On Thursday there was +the opening of a new ward and the service and benediction were very +impressive. The Queen of Greece came and I was presented to her." + +"There are four sisters in a room but the rooms are large with two +big windows and they are very nice. Sister Belskaya speaks every +language and has helped me a great deal. I am managing to get on +somehow with Russian but the other night when I had a conversation +with a Sister Swetlova on subjects that were not absolutely +elementary it was awfully funny. While the ward is being settled, 5 +of us are being sent to the big city hospital where all the sisters +have been for a time to learn all kinds of things, but it is to be, I +think, only for a few days. O, Poodie, I cannot describe it to you. +The hospital itself is all right enough, but the poor people! There +are 3,000 there. We are in the surgical section for women. It is very +various and valuable experience as you learn everything in a short +while, but I would not care to prolong it." + +During the summer of 1906 Nelka went with some of the wounded to +Finland where the convalescents were sent to recuperate in the +country. She was then in her second year working with the wounded and +was hoping to be able to return to America before too long. + +Politics were very much of importance at that time in Russia which +had just emerged from an attempted revolution and certain political +changes had taken place. A new parliamentary system had been formed +but did not last and was breaking up. Nelka wrote in 1906 from +Finland: + +"I cannot say what a feeling of relief and thankfulness I had when +the Duma (Parliament) was dispersed. I cannot see that any solution +is anywhere in view. No one seems to have the least assurance of what +will happen. I feel so stirred up I really almost wish I was a man +and could enter into the question and do something." + +"Poodie, Poodie, do you realize that I am almost an old lady of 28. +It seems so funny for that is really honorable--60 is young beside +it. I wish you could see the sky here. Such sunsets I have never +seen--every day different and the colors on the lake unimaginable. I +simply go flying to the roof, I don't know how many times and look +and look and look." + +Finland 1906. + +"But believe me liberalism abroad is quite different from here and +there is so much bad in it here. I don't think there is much hope +for Russia. I don't believe we have that in the character to maintain +a nation." + +"What a terrible thing the attempt to kill Stolypin. The people here +really are out of their minds. The ones that think that these +murders are for an 'idea.' O, Poodie, I have learned so much since I +have been here." + +"One sister, Sister Pavlova, is very nice--an aristocrat of correct +views and a great satisfaction. She was two years at the War in a +contagious hospital." + +Finland 1906. + +"I have the apothecary now and put up ten or fifteen prescriptions a +day. I find it quite agitating for a novice and am simply calculating +and recalculating over and over again. I am also in charge now of the +operating room and surgical dressings, and do massage and night duty +as before. This is just while we are here. When we go back to +Petersburg I will have the ward duty alone as before." + +"I am on night duty after a very strenuous day--assisted the doctor +with the instruments and material for 25 dressings, put up eight +prescriptions myself, dressed the wounds of five Finns, spent some +time in the ward, went over the soldier's money accounts, did an hour +massage, slept one hour and tomorrow morning I am going to take the +temperatures at 6 A.M., at seven put up a bottle of digitalis, at +eight get into clean clothes, prepare the surgical dressing room for +two dressings, give the instruments and material, and at half past +eight or quarter to nine start with two soldiers for Petersburg--one +who is to be operated and the other who has been so ill for a week +that they think it best to take him back as quickly as possible. +Neither of them can sit up. Don't you think that is an undertaking? I +am going to take the train back immediately after delivering them at +the hospital and hope to get back by 5 or 6 o'clock and have a grand +rest up for Monday." + +"Is life so full of resource or is the resource all in one's +imagination and state of mind. It seems to me there is so much, so +much, and yet the most sometimes seems just to suffer being 'suffered +out' by the effect of certain moral efforts." + +Finland 1906. + +"This whole life is something so complete and so different and I feel +now so much at home in it. Had I been different I might not have +needed what this experience has given me, but as it is, you will find +a great deal more of me and have a great deal more of me than before +I left. I know myself too well and know too well the unstableness of +my moral interior to say that I may not need again some time." + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"I often wonder now, since this life here in the hospital is so +different from everything which has opened such new vistas, if there +are an indefinite number of experiences which each would offer new +points of view. For there it would seem that one must abstain from +any general conclusions upon the things of the world, owing to one's +limited experience. I am awfully glad to be thrown in this +association with the soldiers. This is quite a revelation. They are +in comparison with other people just like charts for little children +to read, as compared with some hazy book. Then there are all degrees +of awakening. It is most interesting. I sometimes think that human +beings are as different from each other as things of a different +species." + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"I told her (Baroness Ixkull) that I thought of leaving in August, if +possible. She is so urgent about my staying altogether in the +community that it makes it very hard to leave. At last I seem to have +found something where I am thought to be very useful and I have +fitting qualities, but alas so far from Poodie and Pats that it is +not possible. At least it is a thing I know I am prepared for now and +that is always open to me as a vent for energy, an occasion for +helping and regulator of the nervous system. If there is war again I +think nothing will hold me, but otherwise I am going to try to make +my character a possible one so that it will be a more peaceful member +of the family with you and Pats." + +"No matter what I do later this year will have a lasting benefit. I +don't know what it is. I never seem to get enough of life. I know the +feeling that satisfies for I have had it a few times. Perhaps it is +youth, perhaps it is egotism, but anyway it is something that makes +one wish one had five lives to live at once. I am laboring through a +very interesting book on the Evolution of matter which demands a +great deal of concentration of a brain as uninformed in matters of +science as mine. I refuse to think and accept things in 'terms' which +when it gets to the point of the disassociation of atoms becomes +difficult not to do. I wish I had a really active brain that would +give me the results I want without requiring such an immense amount +of will which I can't command." + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"My plans seem unable to take any definite shape for the moment. I +cannot leave my soldiers that I have had from the beginning and it is +uncertain yet when they will be in a condition to leave. I wish I +were a few years younger. I want to do so much." + +(She was then 28 years old.) + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"It is now seven A.M. I am just finishing night service but I feel +quite lively just because I know it is ending. Yesterday the +'sidelkas' (apprentices) received the cross. After they graduate they +can take cases and be paid about $20 a month. This course is only one +year. The sisters' course is two years but of course their work is +always free." + +In Russia all nursing was considered to be a vocation and as such +could therefore not be paid. All sisters received their maintenance +and clothing from the community but no pay. + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"I have just received your letter telling me of Trenar's death." +(Trenar was a borsoi dog which Nelka had and left in Cazenovia. This +was before she had her poodle Tibi.) "Mrs. Lockman wrote me some time +ago that he was very sick with distemper but had not written me +since. Useless to say how I feel. Everyone does not feel the appeal +of a dog's affection in the same degree, and with me it is as strong +as anything I know. Trenar in his devotion was exceptional, and not +to have been with him when he was sick--I simply can't think of it. I +didn't do anything that I should have with him. It was wrong to +leave him. I love dogs and Trenar was something very special. I +didn't do what I should with him and in every way I am perfectly +miserable about it, but it is useless of it--that is all. I know you +feel sorry for the way I feel, but how I feel you can't know and it +must seem out of place to you. Anyway I feel it and I reproach +myself. I just wish I could have been with him. I will never forget +his attachment--dear little Trenar." + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"But I don't suppose you can conceive how I feel the autocracy, the +Emperor. I don't care what I think; I feel autocracy and the Emperor +simply not a human being to me. I read this and thought you would +like it: 'Sow an act and you reap habit; sow a habit and you reap a +character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.'" + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"For the last two weeks I have been all the time on duty with the +operated cases. This last week I was on night duty every night except +last night when I had to sleep to be on duty today. I am so tired of +fussing with myself; it makes me so angry not to be a perfect +machine. The things to do are all the same--the way to be is the +same, and yet there is so much thinking, choosing, deciding, +worrying. So few things matter, and so much should not have a +moment's consideration. Nine tenths of all the shackling +considerations should simply never rise to consciousness." + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"On Xmas there was a big tree for all the soldiers who could walk and +then there were a lot of little trees all arranged with presents for +each room where the soldiers could not leave their beds. It was said +in the morning that nothing would be done on Xmas--no dressings, +nothing, and I never worked so hard! As there were no dressings in +the operating room I had to do quite a number somehow or other in +bed, and then it was my day to keep the ward in the afternoon." + + +St. Petersburg 1906. + +"I am beginning to think that the 'esprit' of the sisters here, that +is most of them, is far too liberal. I get perfectly outdone with the +papers some of the sisters bring into the ward, and I quickly lay +hands upon everyone I find. There is no stemming the tide but I shall +do what I can wherever I am, for it is too stupid. The soldiers are +too uneducated." + +"You say in your letter that you understand that my father's country +should be dear to me and yet you think that my mother's country might +also mean something. What I feel, understand and see in America does +not mean anything. I cannot feel as they do. What I care for most in +the world is you and Pats--that does not need to be said. As a +country, for ideas, general point of view, etc. etc., Russia and +Russians are more sympathetic and comprehensible. It is so different. +But that is as far as country goes. The real tie, as I said before, +is you and Pats." + +Finally after a stay of over two years in Russia, Nelka started back +for America. But she took a round about way this time traveling first +through Russia to the Crimea and from there by boat. + +Written on the train between Kharkoff and Sebastopol 1907. + +"I am on my way to the Crimea--and then continue by boat to Naples. I +expect to get to Paris by the 12th or 15th and to sail at the end of +the month. What a place Moscow is. O, it is so beautiful--so old and +real Russia, so solid and so unforeign. It was fearfully cold but I +was out all the time and only had my nose frozen once. I hate, loath +and detest every foreign influence in Russia and every evidence that +there is a world outside. The Kremlin is certainly thorough in itself +and I love it. I am palpitating at the thought of seeing you so soon. +It seems to me I am just living in gulps. I feel somehow that the +privileges I have had ought to be put to something now. How will I +even put my whole self into one thing? Everything has splendid +possibilities but it is always the fearful alternative and its +possibilities. Anyway I have stopped waiting. I know there is nothing +to wait for. I can hardly believe that I have had this year--that I +have been in Russia and that it is done. Baroness Ixkull tried to +keep me to send me to the famine--but the famine will have to wait. I +shall be so glad to get to Yalta. My head is so tired and I shall be +able to clear up my thoughts--I can hardly write. My head is popping +off and my hand is cold and the train shakes. Always your old Nelka." + +(29 years old) + +But back in America she once again was restless. Social life had no +appeal for her. There was something much more genuine in Russia or +even in Europe--something much more alive, much less artificial. Her +aunt Martha Wadsworth tried to interest her in other things, take her +mind off the brooding dissatisfaction which Nelka was showing. + +In 1910 General Oliver, then Secretary of War, and a personal friend +of Mrs. Wadsworth, decided to undertake a reconnaissance trip through +New Mexico, Arizona and Utah, partly to do some surveying and mapping +of the area and partly to test a compressed fodder for horses +invented by Captain Shiverick, also a friend of Mrs. Wadsworth. + +General Oliver invited Mrs. Wadsworth to take the trip with him and +she in turn asked Nelka to come along. + +This was a most unusual, interesting and difficult trip, especially +for women. It lasted six weeks. The first three weeks General Oliver +took part in the trip with a whole squadron of cavalry. Then he left +and the rest of the three weeks only a small party continued through +the Navajo Indian Reservation to the Rainbow Bridge in Utah. This +party consisted of only two officers, several enlisted men, one +Indian guide, Nelka and her aunt. All on horseback and pack mules +carrying supplies. They covered unmapped territory over the most +rough and difficult terrain, which often was dangerous. Even one +horse was lost when it fell over a cliff and had to be shot because +of injuries. They slept on the ground, froze during the cold nights +while the heat of the day was always around a hundred, and on one +occasion reached 139 degrees. A great many very interesting pictures +were taken during this trip. Nelka always remained under the spell of +this trip and the beauty of the untouched wilderness, but at the same +time had some unpleasant impressions of the awesome country. Also it +lasted longer than she had expected and she was anxious to get home. +Only that year her aunt Martha had given Nelka a poodle puppy, Tibi, +which Nelka left with her aunt Susie in Cazenovia. She was worried +about the puppy all during her trip. + +Incidentally, this Tibi played a very important, and sad role in the +life of Nelka. The dog, because she was always with Nelka and because +of this close relationship, developed a very high degree of +understanding and companionship with Nelka. This mutual understanding +resulted in a very deep attachment between Nelka and Tibi, and Nelka +certainly developed a very unusual love for this Tibi, whom she +always took with her back and forth between Europe and America and +kept always with her--except on the occasions when she was obliged to +leave her for short periods. I knew Tibi for she also had been left +by Nelka with me and my mother in the country on one or two occasions +when I took care of her. + +Here are some of the impressions that Nelka gathered from this +western trip and which she gave in her letters to her aunt Susie: + +Utah 1910. + +"The Navajo Mountains and the Natural Bridge were, to me, terrible. I +can never give you a complete description of it, but, aside from the +other difficulties and trials, it impressed one as the most godless +place conceivable. I don't see how anyone can keep any religion in +the canyon in which the bridge is--such a mass of turbulent, ruthless +rock, all dark red--hopeless, shapeless chaos. It all looked just as +if there had been a smash up yesterday. No beyond, no nothing, +nothing alive, nothing dead, every step of the way almost impassable +and the feeling that every minute more rock could come smashing down. +On the way there Mr. Whiterill, our guide, fell over with his horse +when it was impossible to keep balance. He got loose, the horse fell +over backwards several times, broke its neck, slid down sheer rock +and fell about 50 feet over a cliff, the sound was awful." + +"Mr. Heidekooper and I went down to the bottom of the canyon and lay +back on the rocks with our feet in a pool. I closed my eyes and tried +to forget these crushing walls." + +"There was a question of moving the sleeping blankets to get out of a +scorpion patch, but we finally stayed where we were. I refused to +mount my horse firmly and flatly until we got out of the worst part +of the canyon, so I walked 12 miles when I had to pick every step on +sharp stones. On the way back, Pat's horse went head over heels down +another steep place but was not killed. Still a few miles further my +horse slipped going over a huge mass of rock as smooth as an egg and +about the same shape and everyone thought he was about to be hurled +to instant death, when by a miracle he screwed around, got himself up +and caught his footing again. My mental agony had been so great that +I had not a bodily sensation. I took my blanket, rolled up in it and +went to sleep by some trees under some branches and a log. We came +over the rocks where one misstep would have sent the horses to the +bottom. No place even to spread his four feet before the next step. +My heart was in my mouth most of the time. I don't know what +impression you might get from my letter. I have seen the most +beautiful sunsets, but there are more essential elements than these +to live in peace and the limits of what I can do now are very marked. +I am wound up to the last degree. There are lovely Indians here." + +Kianis Canyon 1910. + +"We arrived here in the rain; the pack train with the lunch miles +behind and a waste of thistles to sit on, but it cleared up soon +after and everything got settled. There are two very nice dogs +along--Kobis and Terry. Terry belongs to Mr. S. and has his ears +cut to the roots. I need not insist upon what I feel for both the +dog and the man." + +Canion de Chelley, August 1910. + +"This country is too wonderful for words. It is the place--the only +way to live. I wish you could see it and I wish you loved it as I do. +Won't you bring Tibi and the boys and stay here? Oh, Oh, there is +nothing to say." + +Gonado 1910. + +"I get up at 5 and see the sunrise and generally take the things in +before everything gets astir. We have breakfast at 6, 6:30 and start +our marches at 7. It was so cold one night I got up at 4:30 and made +up the camp fire. My face is dark brick and painful but I think I had +too much cold cream fry and I have stopped. The heat of the sun is +great. Wednesday we crossed the 'Painted Desert' which was even more +beautiful than the canion and camped at a kind of oasis on a little +lake and were able to have a swim--though the desert was full of +rattle snakes and the lake full of lizards." + +"I walked off and got lost almost 4 hours. They had the whole troop +out looking for me, and the trumpeters blowing for over an hour. +There was no moon and I had decided to spend the night where I was by +a cactus, when I saw a light in the dim distance and finally Captain +McCoy found me. It gave me a vivid sense of how misleading the +flatness of the desert can be. When Captain McCoy found me he could +not see me ten feet away and I think it was chiefly the white dog he +had with him that found me. I had had to take off both shoes and +stockings about two hours before as the mud was so heavy I could not +raise my feet and it was raining part of the time. Every place where +the Indians live in their natural mud huts it is clean and +inoffensive. As soon as there is a sign of a real house, or what you +call civilization, there is dirt, smells, refuse heaps and flies--and +of all the sights in my life, bar none, the washstand in Mr. Hubble's +store, with wet newspaper, stagnant slop jar, dirty tooth brush, +filthy basin, sloppy soap--all humming with flies--is the worst I +have ever seen and the most stomach turning. There is some freak from +Boston in a checkered suit and goggles who walks around with some +ideas for Indian betterment. I think they have reached the highest +pitch in the fact that they do not scalp him! I had coffee, oatmeal +and bacon all out of one bowl. I drink water that looks like bean +soup and never use a fork and a spoon at the same meal. Sand and +cinders or charcoal flavor everything, and I have fished olives out +of the sand where they had fallen and eaten them with perfect +satisfaction. Materially this certainly is the way to live. +Spiritually some shifting might improve it." + +Back from the trip and into civilization, Nelka again was restless +and discontented with her surroundings. Again she longed for Europe +and especially Russia. + +Her little dog Tibi became of primary importance in Nelka's life. +Despite her love for animals, Nelka admits that up to that time she +had no special attachment or deep affection for dogs. Dogs were just +something you had around you; they were part of everyday life, but +that was about all. But with Tibi, Nelka's affection for her grew and +grew, and they became unusually attached to each other. Like all dogs +who are constantly with a person, they develop a great maturity and +intelligence. Tibi did just that. She was a very highly developed +animal, as I remember her well. + +The winter of 1910-1911 Nelka spent again with her aunt Martha in +Washington. Her aunt had a large house and was in the social whirl of +the capital. Dinners, balls, the White House, the Embassies--but all +this meant little to Nelka and she felt the futility of all that +activity, its artificiality and uselessness. Irritated and longing +for a change she once again returned to Russia, and once again went +back to the Kaufman community. + +Her feeling for dogs and animals in general was becoming more and +more pronounced--thanks in part to her close association with Tibi. +In one of her letters to her aunt Susie written in 1911, she writes: + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"I do not love humanity in the mass. I don't admire it. I feel sorry +for the unenlightened and suffering but I think there are only a few +in the world who 'vindicate,' as Uncle Herbert says, their right to +exist. If there was for one moment in my heart what I feel for dogs, +cats, horses and animals in general, I would be a real sister of +charity. It is a perfectly distinct expansion and impulse and a real +longing to help and joy in it that I do not feel in the face of +suffering humanity. You can explain it any way. If all these crippled +numberless that I have seen all these days had been maimed dogs, I +don't know what I would have done. There is something in human nature +that is so contemptible and poor that I can't feel the same way." + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"How can you keep your faith in humanity? I think it is all so weak +and not beautiful, and life as it goes somehow such an outrageous +fizzle. Why are there such beautiful things, conceptions, +possibilities only to be ruined by fatal microbes this human +nature puts into it? Life only in yearning; Death to crown +realization; peace only in oblivion. What for? And even the power of +renounciation has to be fought for." + +She was working at that time in the Kaufman community but was to go +to Montenegro for a hospital reorganization. This did not come about. +She wrote: + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"I am undergoing the greatest disappointment at this moment. I was to +be sent to Montenegro to establish a Red Cross sisterhood and +overhaul the hospital, and to be given five sisters to take with me I +as the head--so interesting--and in the part of the world which has +always attracted me to the utmost, ever since I was in Sofia. And +after it was all arranged and I was simply reveling in every detail, +Baroness Ixkull decided that it was simply impossible to take Tibi." + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"One doesn't love anything any more, religion, country, art. The only +thing is to have one's interest outside of oneself--and to be very +busy. I can hardly believe, at least I wonder, at myself being able +to do so many things I dislike--getting up every day so early, no +walks with Tibi, sleeping between five and six hours, often only +four, and yet I enjoy everything--ice cream is a festival, a moment +to sew a treat, and bed heaven." + +"But oh, all these sick people--so depressing and gives one such an +impression of superfluity of the human species. Everything, +everything so beautiful except humanity--and not only man +himself--dirty and unenchanting--but the instrument of hideousness +all around." + +Again Nelka was showing the restlessness because of the attachments +to the two sides of the ocean--Russia and America--and the +impossibility to satisfy entirely one or the other, or both. From +Russia she wrote: + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"I wish I could be in America and eliminate from my personal horizon +the people and things which make me boil over in spite of myself. +Dear Poodie, I wish you could really know what I feel and mean. I +think if in recent years you had been in contact with the peace and +simplicity of Europe in general, you would see what makes me shrivel +with most Americans, because I am not above and beyond it as you are. +America may stand for freedom, but it has an unimancipated soul and +there is a perpetual affectation, a caution, a suspicion, a lack of +independence that does simply petrify life and crush feeling. You may +say it is a small world, I don't know, but it is everywhere I meet." + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"I have at last decided that my life must remain unsettled, +undecided; it is too late to settle it except by sheer will, and that +is too stupid. Real ties exist in different centers--one must obey +both; it is utterly indifferent to me what external aspect my life +takes, because it is also too late." + +(She was then 32 years old) + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"I hope to be in America at intervals and often. You and Pats are +more to me than anything else and I have the greatest love for +Poodihaven (Cazenovia), but I cannot associate with outsiders +sufficiently to fill my life. I want to beat them all and I don't +want to hear them talk." + +At this time, I think, she was going through a very difficult period +of uncertainty in her life, which is reflected in her letters written +at that time: + +"If I did not care for Americans and if I did not have a great deal +of sentiment and associations, ties and memories in America, it would +be so easy to leave it alone and not think about it. But I know I am +both. I know how strongly attached I am to both sides and I only +deplore the difference among people in the world. But when I think of +even those others that I care for, I know that we are strangers. My +heart does not beat with any puritanical sentiment--so there. If I +am attracted to some puritanical offspring--some representative of +the progressing (?) new world, it is like being in love with a marble +statue." + +"I don't know why I write all this, but how impossible life is. I +think it really is a most devilish arrangement. No peace except in +utter renounciation. And must one struggle through a peppery sequence +of years just to know this?" + +"Baroness Ixkull is going to give me perfectly new sisters to train +and I am going to make them march like pokers, copy every record each +time they make a spot and count all the linen every two weeks. As +they will not have been in any other ward, they cannot make any +comparisons or complain." + +"I know, Poodie, that you would like some things here very much--the +simplicity of everything and the independence of people. I think it +is only possible with a recognized aristocracy when people do not +have to explain themselves and are established. I have met a few such +nice people, of course to hardly know them, but one feels one knows +them at once because there is a recognition of being of one world and +one knows beforehand that one shares the same feelings towards most +things. For instance, they may not know me personally but the fact +that Papa was in the service, was Gentillomme de la Chambre (Court +title), was educated at the Lycee, defines a type, defines in a +certain manner his daughter, if only externally. Then knowing that +Mama was American, the whole thing is clear in a natural way. My +wanting to be here is understood--my attachment to America is +understood." + +St. Petersburg 1911. + +"My life here is so full in one sense that it seems much more than a +few months since I was in America. Life seems very, very short in +comparison with the wide conception of possibilities which gives the +zest to youth. Everything seems so partial and the total is so hard +to realize. To keep tranquility with the increase of perception and +understanding means renounciation as far as I can see. It must be a +great privilege to work and pursue one's greatest convictions--to act +what one feels sure of--this is in many ways adjustment to +circumstances. Please God that there may be some good in it." + +"The spirit is everything--nothing else matters. I can never leave +the ward on their hands (new sisters) and I mean every day from 8 +until 9 at night and often part of the night, if it is very serious. +I am very well, sleep little, eat little and am flourishing." + +So after this additional stage in Russia at the Community, Nelka +returned once again to America, but not for very long. Early in 1912 +she was again getting ready to go back to Europe. Writing from +Ashantee in 1912 she said: + +"I know it is unrest--I know it all--yet the true picture is that of +going thousands of miles to where I am not needed, and leaving my two +best friends. I long for the work and can't wait. Between now and it, +just think what bumps and jolts and frights and moans. Oh, what is it +all about?" + +Nelka spent that winter with her aunt Martha in Washington. It had +been a winter entirely filled with social activities--balls, dinners, +the White House, the Embassies--and Nelka could not stand it any +longer and was seeking some contrast. She certainly achieved the +contrast all right, for as soon as she returned to Russia she was +sent to the outskirts of the Oural Mountains. In that region a famine +had been quite severe and the Government sent out feeding stations +and Red Cross units to take care of the stricken people. Sisters were +established in different villages, sometimes entirely isolated, where +they issued provisions and gave medical care to the peasants. Nelka +spent a whole winter in one of these villages, living in a one-room +hut with a peasant family and sleeping on a wooden bench. What a +contrast after the social life of Washington! + +Here is a descriptive letter written from Kalakshinovka, District of +Samara, in 1912: + +"I am in a desert of snow, in quiet and peace, and feeding three +villages. I lie on my bed which consists of two wooden benches side +by side--one a little higher than the other. Only thing is that it +is almost inaccessible. Even with the snow it is more roily and bumpy +than the worst sea ever dreamed of being, and all one can do is to +lie with one's eyes closed on some straw in the kind of low sleigh +that bumps along hour after hour over these steppes. I first went to +Sapieva, a tartar village in the District of Bougulma. Now I am +settled and hope to stay here. I was busy last night late giving out +provisions and weighing flour and today I have been trying to +straighten out grievances and see that all receive justly--sometimes +very complicated. Some brother of the official writer of the village, +quarreled with the son of a poor woman when that woman's cow came too +near his premises, and he made his son beat her off. My position in +the matter is whatever the pro's and con's--how dare anyone hurt a +poor famished cow and I am settling it on that line." + +"I don't know what I would not do to feed all the poor cows and +horses and sheep that are left. A number of friends in Petersburg +gave me some money to distribute--a little over a hundred dollars. I +gave about 50 in Sapieva and the rest I am going to use to save the +animals. Aside from my pity for them, it will be terrible for the +peasants not to have a horse to work in the fields as soon as the +warm weather comes. Where will they be next year? I can help at least +two or three families. One poor woman when I bought some feed for her +horse and cow simply fell on her knees on the ground. Poodie, really +how far people live from each other and how little one can dream of +this life if one has not been in it. Perhaps other people understand +things more or realize more, but with all I have seen and heard +and read, that is simply being born to something entirely +unknown--besides all the feelings one experiences oneself in being +thus shut off from everything. I have at last attained my own bowl +and spoon. I drink coffee and eat a piece of black bread in the +morning. At 12 a bowl of buckwheat or some kind of grain with a +wooden spoon--a glass of tea and at night a glass of cocoa and black +bread, or as a treat a dish of sour milk. I cook and iron and do +everything myself, but it is very simple." + +"This is part of 'Little Russia' and is much cleaner than 'Great +Russia.' I brought with me a few fleas from Great Russia and have the +greatest sympathy for Tibi for the time she was exposed to flea +companionship. How they bite and jump." + +"The Tartars were so clean--the very poorest and none of the disorder +that one sees in Great Russia. There is something absolutely +distinctive about the Tartars and one feels a certain civilization +and settledness that is different from all the other villages I have +seen. Did I tell you how we all slept in a row with the old tartar +and his wife and child?" + +"Though I was doing my best to master the tartar tongue, I can +converse more readily here. The Little Russian dialect is very +different from Russian but one can get a long. The Red Cross will +probably be stationed here throughout the famine--until the 'New +Bread,' that is about the end of July--but Baroness Ixkull promised +to replace me as soon as she could get another sister. I hope to get +back to America in July." + +Kalakshinovka 1912. + +"A peasant walked in today and brought me a present--an apple about +the size of a plum. I wanted to keep it until Easter but we consulted +and decided it would dry up, so I ate it. It is getting late--8 +o'clock and the candle is burning low." + +Kalakshinovka 1912. + +"The days have fallen into a routine. I distribute provisions, go to +see the peasants and they come to see me--sew, mend, scrape mud off +of boots and at last have a little time to write a few letters. In +about a week I hope to go to Alekseievka, a village about 9 miles +off, which is quite a center. There is a fair there every week and I +shall buy some sugar and a little white flour and perhaps if it can +be found, a piece of ham. I am getting awfully hungry. People will +never get anywhere while taste is undeveloped and perception so dull +and imagination so weak. I don't think all people can be taught to +understand, but I do believe that the eye can be trained and the +imagination led into paths which will make them revolt from ugliness, +and that is a tremendous step towards salvation. It seems to me that +'conditional immortality' is the only possible and plausible +doctrine. So much of humanity, whatever it looks like or however +cannily it has devised to exist, has not begun, and why have such a +respect for numbers? I should like to weed out acquaintances just as +I attack occasionally the linen closet--with fire, and have a chance +to breathe. It is all the unborn who sit around and choke the +atmosphere." + +Kalakshinovka 1912. + +"All the horror of the famine is being realized right now. I will not +write you about it for it is too terrible and heartbreaking--it is +the horses, camels, cows and sheep--worst of all the horses. I will +never forget yesterday as long as I live. I cried all day, I could +not sleep all night. It is simply horrible. I have never so much +realized the problem of existence as here. Everything is so foreign +and so striking, one is simply faced by the question of how to live +and to what end. What I feel more strongly than anything is that the +product of the best education and civilization should be good and +zealous--more near the saint--than that the masses should read or +write. I have faith enough that all will attain in the end if the +type that leads is worthwhile, but the type that leads is not." + +Kalaskshinovka 1912. + +"I have a whole little house now. The owner comes and cleans up; I +bolt my door and I have a place to keep provisions for almost 900 +people. The whole thing is just as interesting as it can be. I went +not long ago to a village of Bashkirs to verify scorbutous and +typhoid--about 15 miles from here; it is strange how entirely +different they are. The Tartars seem the most settled and grown up +and independent, and the Little Russians have more traditions. The +Great Russians are more individual and less distinctive. You can't +imagine the nice feeling of riding right out over the steppes, no +fuss, no get up, with a purpose. The feeling that at the same time +with the wild freedom of it that one is accomplishing something and +working. I can't wait to see you. When I get my Tibi and start again +across the seas, I shall be even glad to see that awful Liberty +lady!" + +Kalaskshinovka 1912. + +"Your letter enclosing Pata's and the picture of Lutie was the reward +of a walk of six to seven miles with a ton of mud on each boot, a +night on the floor and a return at dawn on a rickety horse horseback. +Everything is flourishing here, plenty of occasion for meditation and +consideration. I enjoy tremendously the peasants' bath house. One can +climb higher and higher and lie on shelves in different stages of +heat. I got so steamed up I wanted at one moment to open the door and +just fly out into the field without a stitch. When I look out on the +plains here and then think of New York and the subway, my brain +simply stops. This is about as small and poor a village as exists, +yet there is a teacher and all the younger generation read and write, +and the Tartars are really wise owls. I have no more desire to go to +Persia. I am afraid that country is done for. I think Arizona is as +safe as anywhere if they don't irrigate. Still those mission teachers +are a pest. There is something fundamentally wrong with everything I +know!" + +Hardly had this episode of the famine finished, that the Red Cross +sent units to Belgorod in the Ukrania where there was a great +concentration of pilgrims for the canonization of St. Josephat. The +Government once again set up feeding stations and hospital units to +take care of the sick and aged and all emergencies arising from the +concentration of many thousands of pilgrims. Once again Nelka was +there and it was of great interest to her. + +During all of these absences Nelka kept her little dog Tibi either +with us in the country or with friends in Kasan, the Krapotkins. She +went to pick up Tibi in Kasan from where she wrote in 1913. + +"I caught some horrible microbe just before I arrived and had a +terrible grippy cold which kept me in the house and in bed--but it is +over now. I feel rejuvenated 15 years and full of energy. I almost +believe it is climatic. The feeling is so different. Isn't it awful +about the priest being hung in Adrianople? I don't see how the whole +of Europe doesn't stand together to drive the Turks out of Christian +countries." + +(This was written just before the start of the Balkan war.) + +Nelka returned to St. Petersburg and made preparations to leave for +the Balkans. The Russian Red Cross was sending out units to the +Bulgarian Army. After returning from Kasan, Nelka stayed for a while +at my mother's place in the country. This was a time when I was +preparing for my entry examinations to the Lycee and she wrote about +that to her aunt, who was interested in everything pertaining to +education. + +Writing from Poustinka (our country estate) in 1913: + +"I am very much hopped up and stirred up and feel very full of life. +I had a very pleasant short stay in Kasan. Enjoyed seeing people very +much--so much youth I have not seen for ages--young people, young +officers, young marriages, and then such delightful old people. The +young officers were just simply waiting for mobilization. About war, +everything is most uncertain. Half the people say it will be +immediately, the other half that it will be avoided--no one can tell +anything. I am going to Adrianople Tuesday. Baroness Ixkull is there +with a large division and I think that just now there will be more to +do than ever. I go first to Sofia." + +"Yesterday I went with Veta (my mother) and Max to town. We came back +in the evening and after dinner I had a most delicious sleep on the +sofa by the fire--Max waking me up every few minutes." + +"This afternoon I had a fine nap and then gave Max an English +dictation. He is preparing for his examinations for the Lycee. Really +it seems a great deal. Besides all the usual subjects, he has to take +Grammar and Composition in Russian, Latin, German, French, and +English. Ancient History, European History and Russian History +separately, besides Religion. An awful lot, and all the other things. +None of the languages are optional and in two years he has to be +examined in the literature of each." + +"He is such a nice boy, 15 years, so boyish and yet so developed and +such a lot of casual culture, just from association with cultured +people--and yet a real country boy, loving the affairs of the estate +and everything to do with the place, and full of fun and mischief. I +am all for education at home until the final years for boys, and +altogether for girls--I think it is more developing." + +After this stay with us, she left for Sofia and the war. + +Sofia 1913. + +"General Tirtoff sent me a 'laisser passee' and a certificate so that +I can't be taken prisoner, and I expect to arrive to where we have +the tents in 2 or 3 days. General Tirtoff, under whose orders I am, +proposed yesterday to send me as head of a hospital which is now +stationed in Servia, but which has to be sent to Duratzo where there +has been a big battle. It will be a tremendous lot of transportation +and, though very interesting, I don't know if I should like it as +much as a small field hospital like Adrianople. Any way it all +depends on what happens at Adrianople." + +Sofia 1912. + +"I have just come from the Queen. She was ill and could not receive +me before. She was very, very nice--much nicer than I expected and +better looking than her pictures. It is now 3 A.M., and I am to get +up at six." + +Nelka joined the division of sisters at Adrianople and took part in +the fighting to take that city. This probably was much the most +difficult and dangerous time she ever encountered. They were working +in the very front lines, in the mud and dirt and under heavy shell +fire. At one time when the shells were falling both in front and +behind their tents, and it was impossible to move the wounded, Nelka +realized that perhaps she would not come out alive. She wrote several +short goodbye notes, one of which was written to my mother, which I +reproduce here. I am grateful to think that at that critical moment +she remembered me. + +Kara Youssouff. 29 February 1913. + +"Dearest Veta: +We are under fire--the projectiles are going over our heads, one just +fell on the other side of our tents, and the ground is torn up before +our eyes. Perhaps we may miraculously escape--if not, goodbye. +Perhaps some one may pick this up and send it. I send you much, much +love--give my love to my friends in Petersburg, it is terrible for +the poor wounded. Love to Max. Nelka." + +Here is a letter from Aunt Susie Blow to Nelka in 1913: + +"Nothing I can say suggests what I feel. The picture of you with +those awful bombs bursting above you, before you, to right and left +of you and the other picture of you plunging knee deep in mud and +battling with mud and rain, as you made your way from tent to tent +will never leave me. And what pictures of horror must move in ghastly +procession in your mind. You have always wanted first hand +experience. Now you have had such experience of famine, of war, of +religious enthusiasm, of patriotic devotion. How will it all affect +the necessary routine of life?" + +Sofia 1913. + +"I know I have written since the fall of Adrianople and I think I +sent you a word from there. Did I tell you that the Consulate was in +several places shattered by shells? What I noticed the most was the +air of proprietorship of the soldiers in the town and how one felt +the immediate transformation of the Turkish town into a Bulgarian +one." + +Sofia 1913. + +"I do not know what I think about the Turks. I only know that I abhor +the 'Young Turks' (political party). In general I suppose they are +more civilized than the Bulgars. I do not care for them as a nation, +but I wish nevertheless that the war would continue until they get to +the very door of Constantinople. About occupying the city itself I do +not know, because it is so complicated. Of course I wish it might +belong to one of the Balkan states and I simply can't endure the +mixing in of 'powers.' Powers--by what I would like to know, except +size and force alone. I wish they would fight it out and take +Constantinople and be done with it and the whole Balkan peninsula as +well. I hate threats and tyranny based on the power to destroy if +they want. Either gobble it up or leave it alone, but not dictate!!!" + +"It is very strange, but it seems to me that everything that makes +for terrestrial power makes for spiritual defeat." + +"I am crazy to go to Tchatalja but a definite attack does not seem +imminent." + +"I am well and, as result of feeding on air and no sleep, had to move +the buttons of my apron which had become tight. I can speak quite a +little Bulgarian." + +"I understand fully what is meant by 'A la Guerre, comme a La +Guerre.' It is extraordinary how every preconceived notion and habit +is thrown to the winds. I like it very much. Everyone acts as the +immediate occasion seems to necessitate and it is so much more +simple. Everything is changed and I see that it is just so everywhere +in time of war because one thing is so very much more important than +all the rest. It is when nothing is supremely important that life is +simply impossible and that you are baffled at every step." + +"It was terrible in many ways. Those first days at Kara Youssouff, +but I feel it was the greatest privilege to be there. One felt +helpless before such a demand but it was all so real and every breath +meant so much." + +Once finished with the Balkan war, Nelka returned to America and +joined her aunts. + +Before leaving she spent several days with my mother and me in our +country place. After she left my mother wrote to Nelka: + +"Max and I miss you very much. I was so happy to have you with us for +a time; your visits are always so nice and cheerful. I always +remember them with so much pleasure. We had a long talk with Max +about you and decided you were a real friend for us and Max said: 'we +must always be real friends to her.' He is very fond of you." + +(I was then 16 years old and very much in love with Nelka.) + +Once finished with the Balkan war, Nelka returned again to America +and joined her aunt Martha in Washington. + +She brought Tibi back with her and here a tragic event took place +which had a decisive influence on both Nelka's and my life. + +While in Washington Tibi somehow got hold of rat poison and despite +the help of the best veterinarian and also the help of two human +doctors who were friends of Nelka, Tibi died. + +Nelka took the death of her mother in a most tragic and painful way, +but the death of Tibi affected her to a much greater degree. Her +grief was beyond all comprehension and she went into a state of utter +despair, verging on the frantic. Her Aunt Susie and a few friends +tried to help her as much as they could but absolutely nothing seemed +to help. + +Just before she had left Russia, Princess Wasilchikoff had asked her +to assume the reorganization of a sister community and hospital in +Kovno, a fortress-town near the German border. Nelka did not accept +the offer though it was of considerable interest to her, because she +was then returning to America and had plans to stay with her aunts. +But when her little dog died, she quickly changed her mind and +telegraphed Princess Wasilchikoff that she was ready to accept her +proposition. This she did primarily to try and get her mind focused +on something and to get it off the brooding about Tibi. Her grief and +despair can be judged from the various letters which she wrote to her +aunt at that time, and for a long time to come. + +Ashantee 1913. + +"If that cannot be done I want to be buried in unconsecrated ground +with Tibi and shall arrange for it. I cannot leave Tibi where she is +buried and not know what will happen later." + +"I hope when I die to know that it will be alright but I cannot get +any nearer to being reconciled now, and it just comes over me with a +fresh feeling all the time, that I cannot accept it. I have never +felt so about anything. I am glad that you miss darling little Tibi. +I feel estranged from everyone except those who knew and cared for +Tibi." + +During her trip back to Europe, she wrote from Rotterdam 1913. + +"It just seems some times more than I can bear. I don't know how to +get reconciled--that is the worst. I don't accept it and I have an +outraged sense all the time of the fearful crime to that happy little +life, and so many constant torments come up afresh all the time, that +I just feel crazy. I tried to face it all and wear it out of my head +in the beginning, but that did not work and now this willful keeping +from thinking as much as I can does not help either. Why couldn't +anything have happened to me that would not have hurt Tibi? I suffer +because that little face is just always before me. If I could just +have her for an hour and know that she was all right, I would die the +happiest person in the world." + +Paris 1913. + +"I can't keep up my spirits all the time. I am terribly tired, look a +perfect sight, but I don't care. Paris has not changed much. It will +always be the most beautiful city in the world, I think, and the most +civilized. Church was such a delight this morning. I like this Paris +one better than anyone I know, but it all now seems simply a past and +I know it will always be so." + +Poustinka 1913. + +"It seems to me almost superfluous to comment any more on the sadness +and pain of what occurred--it is also just more and more and +everywhere. The more one sees of life, the more frightened one is of +being happy. I think life is just totally and absolutely +inexplicable." + +"Veta has got a little apartment opposite the Lycee and Max hopes to +get in January. I am giving him English dictations and he is studying +all day. Veta thinks of nothing else and wants to get him safely +married at 21, which she thinks is the best thing for Russian men." + +Well, I was safely married at 21 but not with the approval of my +mother who opposed my marriage to Nelka because of our age +difference. + +Poustinka 1913. + +"I have not yet seen about the cemetery here but I think I will +arrange to be buried there if it is allowed, or else to find some +piece of land somewhere. I just hope, hope, hope in something beyond +as I never have before. I simply can't stand the injustice of Tibi, +of her death and I can never get reconciled to it for a minute." + +And a year later she wrote from Kovno in 1914: + +"The approach of this anniversary has been taking me, despite of +myself, over every minute of those dreadful, dreadful days a year +ago. I don't want to speak of it all to you or make you feel any more +than I have already the weight of a grief that will never leave +me--but I do want to tell you that I shall also never forget how good +you were to me and how you helped me through that simply fearful +night. I don't know how anything could be any worse but still if you +had not been there I don't know what I would have done--and I shall +always remember and be glad that Tibi died not far from you." + +I think unquestionably the loss of Tibi was the greatest suffering +that Nelka ever experienced in her life, even though the loss of her +mother and of her aunts was a great shock each time and deep grief +which held on for a long time. But there was something about the +death of this little dog which hurt Nelka more than anything else. +While in later years she never hardly spoke about it, I think the +pain always remained. + +Nelka was a great believer in 'circumstances' in life. The death of +Tibi was a 'circumstance' which affected Nelka's life and mine as +well. Had Tibi not died as she did then, Nelka would not have +returned that year to Russia. By returning to Russia in 1913 and +then the war breaking out the next year, she was prevented from +returning to America and thus never again saw her Aunt Susie, who +died without her in 1916, while Nelka was at the front. She then +stayed on through the war and then the Revolution, and we were +married in 1918. Had Tibi not died, all the conditions would have +been different and very likely we would not have been married, at +least this is possible. I think both she and I have been believers in +'circumstances.' I know that I am. Circumstances which affect all our +life. Sometimes one small event, something so insignificant that it +is hardly noticed, can bring about a chain of events which entirely +and basically change the whole course of one's life. This is what I +think the death of Tibi did to the lives of both Nelka and me. + +When Nelka came back to Russia in 1913 she undertook the +reorganization job offered by Princess Wasilchikoff. Nelka felt it +would help her forget and would act as a relief valve for her +feelings. Princess Wasilchikoff offered Nelka complete freedom and +independence of action and decision in all concerning the sister +community and the hospital. She could act and do as she wished and +desired. So Nelka agreed with the stipulation that she would +undertake this job for one year, and having made her arrangements +left for Kovno. The whole picture of the Kovno enterprise is very +vividly seen from a number of letters written by Nelka during 1914. + +Kovno 1913. + +"I think life is a great mystery and thus far renounciation seems to +me the only achievement." + +Kovno 1914. + +"Kovno is a little different from what I expected. It is much more of +a hospital than I thought but it is to be completely made over. It is +now for 50 beds and a separate house for eye illnesses with two wards +in it. There are 40 sisters and 18 servants." + +"Two hours after I arrived I attacked their hair (the sisters), and +now it is as flat as paper on the wall. I also berated a doctor +within the first 24 hours for not appearing for his lecture. I +thought I better acquire the habit of discipline at once for the +position is rather appalling and I am trying my best to impose +terror. When I feel the terror getting rooted, I will try for a +little affection and good will." + +"I am now racking my brains how to get 180 dresses and aprons made by +Easter and keep within the limit for cost." + +"I am preparing different and complete charts for all the wards and a +laboratory is to be opened in a month. The planning is not the most +difficult; it is arranging things within given conditions and in a +certain sense in a margin, and appeasing demands and complaints from +all sides. The new division of the work was very complicated, too. In +one ward, every sister, who was ordered to it either wept, flatly +refused or prepared to lose everything and leave on account of the +nature of the sister at the head of it. Of course I had to insist on +acceptance of the distribution of service, on principle, but I am +glad to have found good reason to get rid of the said sister, in +time. Finally the young sister who has to go there now, and who +reiterated for days that she would rather wash dishes for the rest of +her days than go there, after a frank talk of half an hour, said she +would, and that I wouldn't hear another word from her. I was reduced +to real tears of gratitude and admiration for the effort." + +Kovno 1914. + +"My head I know is not as strong and clear as it was." + +"I have a very nice room which is in the most immaculate order +imaginable--I am never in it. Next to it I have what is called my +'chancellery' which has an immense big writing table, another table, +three chairs, bells and excellent light and telephone. I spend most +of the time in it when I am not going the rounds on a rampage. I +like to know that my food costs only 15 cents a day." + +During some time in 1914 I was very ill in Petersburg. My mother was +at the same time in bed with the flu and unable to take care of me, +so in desperation she telegraphed to Nelka in Kovno and Nelka arrived +immediately. + +Kovno 1914. + +"I spent three days in Petersburg, arriving there finding both Veta +and Max very ill. Max with fever of 104 or more. Max had all kinds of +complications afterwards ending in an abscess in the ear. I looked +after him for three days and nights and then Veta got up." + +Kovno 1914. + +"Every day I live the more insoluble everything seems and the more +convinced I am of the insolubility of everything. There are lovely +things and tracks in life and humanity, but as a whole the latter is +so loathsome and life so sad and dreadful. I feel a terrible fatigue +of life and it seems to me that all my energy is simply restless, +except the energy to denounce. If I live a hundred years ten times +over I think my feeling of indignation for some things will never +diminish." + +Always still feeling the loss of Tibi, Nelka did not seem to be able +to get reconciled. She wrote to her aunt: + +Kovno 1914. + +"I have just the interest of having begun the thing and wishing to +see it permanently established, as I have started it, but at bottom I +don't care what happens to anything, and I am only thankful I have +had my thoughts arrested momentarily. I had no right to complain of +anything or wish for anything as long as Tibi was alive, and what +torments me most is not my grief but that Tibi should have suffered. +I don't understand anything and I only live in hope and helplessness. +I can bear the grief of Tibi's death but I cannot get reconciled to +the conditions of it." + +During that winter my mother moved from the country where we were +living to Petersburg, and Nelka happened to be with us when this took +place and took part in the moving. Here is some of the description of +the event: + +Kovno 1914. + +"We followed the next day with a dog and a cat. Veta, Max and I with +all the baggage, a parrot 'Tommy' and two small birds in separate +cages. I tried to look out for all three and froze my fingers off +holding one cage and another that I wrapped up in my shawl. And so we +started off in immediate danger of upsetting every minute. A day or +two before the sleigh with Veta and Max and her sister-in-law and the +driver upset completely in a ditch, horse on his back and toes in the +air." + +"Max's examinations were to be in two days so of course we tried to +beat him into a cold corner to study in the midst of the confusion." + +"Of course I took a sympathetic part in all this and did my share by +scolding Max almost unremittantly from morning till night. He is a +very bright and attractive boy, but easy going." + +(Exactly four years later Nelka married the "easy going boy.") + +Kovno 1914. + +"I would give anything to spend a few hours with you and see how you +are and have a nice talk. You don't know how much I realize what a +rock you are of effective support and comprehension." + +(Nelka never again saw her aunt who died in 1916 while Nelka was at +the front.) + +Kovno 1914. + +"I ought never to move from Cazenovia if I had any character. I shall +have learned a lot of things when I die--and all for what?" + +Kovno 1914. + +"I suppose I shall die a hopeless procrastinator but if I make small +progress I also have no peace. It torments me dreadfully to have +things undone. I wish I had passed beyond this world, in my soul." + +Kovno 1914. + +"I realize tremendously how an institution of this kind depends on +the managing head. So much has to be looked after and such constant +questions come up that no system or plan suffices by itself. It is +very hard to get things done quickly without being somewhat impetuous +and one cannot preserve control over everything without a great +deal of calm. I think more than ever that institutional life is +perfectly anti-human. It cannot be run without a certain amount of +injustice--that is the innocent suffering for the guilty, that is +if one attempts to have rules. It would be far more just to have +no rules and exact of each one according to my own judgment. +I think that regulations are only made in support of idiotic +administrations." + +Kovno 1914. + +"Max wrote me such a nice, vivid letter." + +"Politics are certainly very interesting now. I feel dreadfully sorry +for Servia and I hope if there is war with Austria that the last +Servian will die on the battlefield." + +In May, June and early July of 1914, Nelka was writing to her Aunt +Susie about her plans of returning to America. Finally she had made +arrangements to sail the first week of August. But then the war broke +out and she never got off. + +Kovno 1914. + +"I have written to the Russian Line and got special permission to +sail from Copenhagen. If nothing unforeseen happens, I will leave +here on the 4th of August for Stockholm. I had hardly finished this +when the town was put under martial law. Everything is upside down. +The inhabitants are all ordered to leave. The bank is packing up, +people streaming all day there. Everyone ordered off the streets at +night. The streets are occupied with soldiers and cannons moving to +the front, and the aspect seems serious. No one can tell anything. I +have already signed a paper not to leave without the permission of +the fort. If we have war I am ready to stay to the end. I have the +greatest sympathy for Servia and would like to work in the Red Cross +there if not here. I shall try to write you again before being shut +up for good, if the town is besieged. We are only a few hours from +the frontier." + +Kovno 1914. + +"Since last night the town is under martial law. Everything is upside +down. Cannons hustling to the front. Cavalry going off. All the +inhabitants are ordered to leave. We are in the very seat of war. If +we have war I am ready to stay to the end if need be. I only hope you +won't feel too terribly uneasy. The lack of communications will be +the worst. I feel great sympathy for Servia and hope this war will +help them. All the big buildings are to be turned into hospitals. The +new bank will be splendid--tile floors and water. It can hold at +least a thousand, I think. All kinds of specimens are turning up to +be enrolled as sisters, but I am relentless and shall take no +adventuresses if I can help it." + +Kovno 1914. + +"I am glad it is for Servia, but O what a horror. I had none of this +impression at Adrianople--the panic of a whole town before the war. +Mobilization was begun last night, but the inhabitants were ordered +to leave six days ago. I cannot describe it. It is just everything +that one has ever read about war and a great deal besides. I am glad +I have a good lot of sisters. I hope they will all do their duty. +Communication will be cut off any minute. I shall be so anxious about +my family if we are shut up for long. Well, goodbye. I pray for the +best. One must be ready for anything." + +Kovno 1914. + +"Everything is cut off from Europe and I am dreadfully worried and +unhappy to have no news from you and all the family. The whole +fortress was put in a state of defense in no time, and the whole town +has been ordered out from one station. You can't imagine the scenes. +Prince Wasilchikoff has helped me very much in the place of his wife +who had to go to Petersburg, and now he is going to join his +regiment. I hope he can take this letter to send through Sweden. My +consolation is that the war was started in behalf of Servia--it +alleviates the horror of all that is going on. Prince Wasilchikoff +came in for a moment and said that the political situation was very +good and that England has declared war. Everyone is going to the war +with enthusiasm. Don't worry too much. This section of the Army will +not give in till the last. The Commander Grigorieff is splendid and +General Rennenkamph is a real fighting man. I have 56 sisters ready +in Kovno. My heart and head are full of anxiety and love for you, for +you all. I may be able to get letters to you still, but if not, look +out for Tibi's little grave whatever happens." + +The absorbing work in Kovno, the excitement and the patriotic fervor +were all beneficial to Nelka's state of mind in that it took it off +her constant thinking about the death of her little dog. + +While Nelka had her own sisters and hospital, the Army decided to +consolidate the services under their jurisdiction and turned their +own Army sisters over to Nelka and she found herself at the head of +some 300 sisters. This was a large complicated administrative job but +she handled it with great efficiency. Most of the time the fortress +was under fire and it soon became obvious that it would not hold out. + +The commanding general did not prove to be as good and efficient as +Nelka supposed and he also lost his nerve. Under the increasing +pressure of the Germans, he ordered the complete evacuation of the +fortress, of the troops and material, while this was still possible. +However, this was accomplished in a very poor manner and the +commander himself left the fortress 17 hours before Nelka did. He +also lost a great deal of his equipment. + +Nelka in turn completed a full evacuation of her whole hospital and +saved all of her material. Everything in the hospital building which +could not be moved was destroyed and she went even that far to have +all brass knobs removed from the doors and thrown into the river so +that the Germans would not get the metal. + +So Kovno fell, but the war went on and Nelka's hospital was +reestablished some 40 or 50 miles to the rear as a rear unit taking +care of the evacuated wounded. They were settled in a large +agricultural school building in very fine surroundings. I managed to +visit Nelka at that hospital for a few days. + +Soon, however, the fighting resumed and the Germans resumed their +advance. The hospital once again had to be moved. At that moment +Nelka came down with a very severe case of scarlet fever. The doctor +said that she could not be moved, just as the hospital was getting +under way. The head doctor had her arranged in bed in a tent, leaving +her one nurse. At the last moment when leaving, he slipped a revolver +under her pillow! But Nelka recovered. The Germans did not reach +that point and ultimately she was able to rejoin her unit. + +Soon after that she was sent to the rear to a town called Novgorod, +to organize a new unit. There she spent most of the winter and once +again I managed to visit her there, as it was not very far from +Petersburg. + +All during the war, at different intervals, Nelka came back to +Petersburg, mostly for just a few days and because of some business +for her hospital or unit. Each time when she came to Petersburg she +stayed at my mother's and thus I was able to see her occasionally. + +The impression she had made on me when I first saw her as a small boy +never changed. The only difference was that growing up I came more +and more under her spell and was more and more deeply attached and +devoted to her. I was then 17 years old and very much in love with +her. But she was fully grown and I was but a boy yet, so that any +hopes would seem rather futile for me. Futile because of the +difference of age and because I could hardly expect that she could be +interested in me. Also because of her great charm and personality she +always had great success with men everywhere and it was more than +possible that some fortunate man would be able to win her. + +Both in Russia and in America and also while she was in Bulgaria and +in Paris she had a great number of admirers and had over thirty +proposals from men of different nationalities. She even had a +Japanese suitor. But she never was interested in any of these suitors +and once told my mother that she would never marry unless she had a +complete and all consuming feeling for the man she chose. + +But for the moment the war was on and everyone had other thoughts and +jobs on hand than romance. + +But I was growing up and so was my feelings for her. Every time +Nelka would come to Petersburg, I would see her off to the train, +taking her back to the front. On one such an occasion I gave her a +box of white cream caramels. It was nothing, but for some reason or +other it touched her very much and she always said that to her it was +measure of my devotion. + +On these departures to the front, she was always in a hurry--having +so much to do and attend to. On these occasions the determination of +her character manifested itself at different times. Once she failed +to secure the necessary permit to board a train going to the +front--there just wasn't the time for it. At the entrance to the +platforms armed guards stood and one had to show one's pass to get +through. I warned Nelka that she probably would have trouble, but she +said there was no time for this now and that she would find a way to +get through. Of course we arrived just about the time the train was +pulling out and dashed towards the platform. A soldier stood at the +entrance with his rifle and when Nelka plunged headlong towards him, +he thrust his rifle horizontally in front of her to stop her. Without +a moments hesitation she ducked low and slipped under the extended +rifle, and was on the moving train before the sentry knew what it was +all about! + +On another occasion we arrived at the station just a little too late, +even though she had her pass. When we dashed out on the platform we +just could see the two receding red lights of the departing train. To +this day I do not know what happened, but Nelka raised such fireworks +that that train backed into the station. Nelka got on and the train +pulled out again! + +I have often said that it took courage to be in love with a woman of +such determination! + +After her winter in Novgorod, Nelka decided to form and organize a +unit of her own to serve with the cavalry. She proceeded to raise the +necessary money and to select the personnel. As the head of the unit +she chose my uncle, my mother's brother, and as assistant a friend of +his. She also chose some of the doctors she knew in Kovno as well as +some of the sisters. The regular men orderlies and the horses were +being supplied by the Red Cross. This unit was attached to the First +Guard Cavalry Division. The doctors, the orderlies, the nurses were +all on horseback; the stretchers for the wounded likewise were on +long poles between two horses. When the whole unit was strung out +Indian file it was a very long unit. + +Once attached to the Cavalry Division, the unit moved right along +with it. Often this was very rough going. Often they would be called +out at night, had to saddle and be on the move. Nelka rode a horse +named 'Vive la France.' If they were to move any distance they were +loaded into trains. She always remembered a dark autumn night +unloading the horses from the train in the dark, in the woods, and +right next to the position of artillery batteries, firing +steadily--the difficulty of controlling and trying to keep the horses +reasonably quiet. She had a great deal of trouble with her frightened +horse, trembling and scared, because of the noise and flashing guns. +The fighting was going on a short distance ahead and hardly had they +unloaded as the wounded started to be brought in. They worked on them +in muddy dugouts. Between moments of respite Nelka would run out into +the dark and try to soothe her horse which was tied in the woods. The +guns kept on firing all night. + +This was the kind of life which went on. In July 1916 my uncle, the +head of the unit, was killed by shell fire, at a moment of some very +heavy fighting. The work they were carrying on was right near the +firing lines. + +At one time, during 1916 Nelka came for a few days to our country +estate and one day I went with her to Petrograd. There she received a +letter from her Aunt Martha Wadsworth. I was coming back to the +country with Nelka on the train. She had the letter in her hand but +would not open it for she said she felt it was bad news and she was +afraid. She had a premonition of something wrong. We traveled all the +way in silence and I could see how very anxious and upset she was. +Feeling as I did for her, it was painful for me to see her in that +state but there was nothing I could do. She did not open the letter +until we reached home and she went alone into her room. It was what +she had expected--the news that her beloved Aunt Susie Blow had died +in New York. + +Another terrible, painful shock, Nelka took it in a very hard way but +with great calm and fortitude. She felt that she had failed her aunt, +that she should have been with her, instead of at the war. She blames +herself. She felt that being at the war was a form of selfishness of +self-indulgence, when her duty should have been to remain with her +aunt. + +Once again a tragic and very hard blow, a blow so hard to accept +because of her special devotion to that aunt. + +But the war was on--she could not even indulge in her sorrow and she +had to return to the front. Fighting was heavy that summer and her +cavalry division was engaged and on the move. The unit was always up +front, close to the fighting lines and the work was hard. + +That summer I entered Officers Training School and did not see Nelka +for a very long time. + +On the first of February 1917, I received my commission as second +lieutenant in the First Infantry Guard Regiment. This was the last +promotion done by the Emperor. I was assigned to the Reserve +Battalion stationed in Petrograd. + +Less than a month later the Revolution broke out and I had a week of +street fighting. Then chaos ensued. + +Through most of the summer of 1917, I was at the front in Galicia. +Nelka was somewhere at the front near the Rumanian border. We did not +know where each of us was and had no communications. + +Gradually the discipline in the Army, under the impact of the +Revolution, broke down and the front started to disintegrate. + +While my regiment was coming apart on the Galician front, Nelka's +unit was doing the same on the Rumanian border. Some time towards the +end of the summer the remnants of her unit were in Rumania and +finally came apart. She was left with but a few sisters and her +assistant chief, a friend of hers, a Finnish gentleman, Baron Wrede. + +At a certain moment she sent him with some of the personnel and +equipment from Rumania over the border back into Russia. However, she +herself remained behind to take care of the local priest who was +desperately ill. A few days later, the priest died and she was ready +to follow the unit back over the border. Just before leaving she +found and picked up a poor, small abandoned kitten. Tying the kitten +up in her shawl and hanging it from her neck, she rode away from +Rumania back to Russia. One soldier was riding back with her. At +night time they arrived at a small village and for some reason or +other, the soldier disappeared. After waiting for a while, there was +nothing to do but to continue. And so in the night, Nelka rode alone +through the woods and over the mountains over the border from Rumania +into Russia. A woman, riding alone, in the night in the midst of the +Revolution! She rode all night, the kitten dangling in front of her. +By morning she reached a Russian village and soon located the unit. +She said she would never forget that ride in the night. The next day +the lost soldier turned up very much upset at having lost her on the +way. + +The revolution was taking its toll and everything was rapidly coming +apart, disintegrating and in a state of anarchy. There was no choice +but to drop everything and try to get back to Petrograd if possible. +But this was not easy to do. Everything was in complete turmoil, no +regular train service and the revolutionary soldiers in complete +control of everything. The greatest danger was for the Finnish Baron +who as an officer was in danger from the soldiers. So a stratagem had +to be invented. Nelka went and declared that the Baron was +desperately ill and had to be sent to Petrograd without delay, and +that for that she needed a special permit. This she managed to secure +and was assigned a compartment in the overfilled train. The perfectly +healthy Baron was brought in and arranged lying down all the trip of +several days, while Nelka had to take care of him, bring him food and +look after the 'invalide.' He said afterwards that he had a 'very +pleasant trip.' While lying in his berth he kept with him the kitten. +Finally they arrived in Petrograd. The Baron then returned to Finland +taking with him the kitten where it lived on their estate to a ripe +old age. + +Nelka, upon her arrival, stopped as usual at my mother's. Soon after +that I returned from the front. Now we were all together once more +and all together tried to survive in the Revolution, which was not an +easy matter. I then joined the British Military Mission with the +offices at the British Embassy. + +About that time the Kerensky Government was overthrown by the +Bolsheviks and a lot of fighting took place in the city. Nelka used +to say how pretty the city looked with the streets completely empty, +when she would be returning home, sometimes skirting the walls of the +buildings when some shooting would start along the street. We all +soon got used to that kind of existence, which became a normal way of +life. + +But the Revolution was going on and things were getting worse from +day to day. The Bolsheviks were killing right and left and the Red +terror was in full swing. My work with the British Mission was at +that time of some protection for the Bolsheviks were not yet sure of +themselves to the extent of daring to molest the foreign missions. My +work with the Mission took me away on various trips accompanying +British officers. + +In the spring of 1918, one of these trips took me to Mourmansk on the +Arctic Ocean and where fighting was in progress between White +Russians and other foreign units and the Bolsheviks. + +All that area was not exactly a very healthy place to be in and after +quite a few adventures I managed to return to Petrograd. I brought +back with me 75 cases of what the British call 'Iron Rations,' a +mixture of all kinds of food to be used in emergencies. + +Food was more than scarce by that time and I was given a couple of +cases. It was a God send for all of us. We all subsisted on it. + +But the Bolsheviks were getting bolder by the day and were raiding +houses, arresting former officers and executing them every night. + +One evening about ten, a knock came on the door. I opened. Three men +with rifles came in with a commissar. They asked for me by name and +said they had an order to search the place. They asked if I had any +arms and I said I had a service revolver, which had been given to me +by the British. I also had another revolver of mine which lay on the +mantelpiece. Nelka, who was there in the room, did at that moment a +most risky thing. Unobtrusively she slipped my revolver into the +pocket of her dress. I noticed this, but the men did not. I produced +the other gun which they dutifully registered and took. They then +proceeded to search the place and after examining my papers, +announced that I would not be arrested in view of my service with the +British. Upon that they left. Nelka had done a most risky thing, for +had the pistol been discovered in her pocket, it probably would have +been the end of all of us. + +However, things were getting very acute and very dangerous. It was +obvious that a similar raid might happen again any day and might not +finish as well. Should I be arrested and taken away the chances would +be of my being shot. So far my service with the British had served as +a protection, but with the relations with the foreigners fast getting +worse, this could mean just the opposite for me and the connection +would be detrimental instead of helpful. So it soon proved to be. + +We all had a general consultation and decided to try and get out of +the country if only possible. My father went to Moscow where he knew +a prominent Jew who was procuring exit permits, for a price, and was +helping that way people to get abroad. Then we all began to move +about trying to stay in different places, different nights. + +In the midst of all this, I declared my love to Nelka and asked her +to marry me. She refused because she said she did not think it was +fair to me on account of our age difference. I was then twenty-one +and she was forty. I kept insisting. She admitted that she loved me +and would not hesitate had it not been because of the age difference. + +On a certain Friday morning something kept me from going as usual to +the British Embassy where our offices were located. This proved to be +my salvation for that same morning the Embassy was raided by the +Bolsheviks. They invaded the Embassy, arrested all the British +officers and killed Commander Crombie right on the entrance steps +when he tried to stop them from entering. They hung his body head +down out of one of the windows. + +All the Russian officers who worked with the Mission were also +arrested and promptly shot. Of 16 such officers, only three including +myself ultimately got away. Thirteen were shot. + +After the Embassy raid my position became extremely precarious, for I +was now on the black list and being searched for. While previously my +connection with the Mission had been a protection, now it was just +the opposite. I could not very well remain in our apartment and we +all scattered, except my mother who remained. My father was still in +Moscow. Nelka went to some friends. I spent some time in the country +where I hid for some time in our empty house. + +It is to be noted that food was practically unavailable and that +there was no money to buy it with if there was any. So we all had a +pretty desperate time, but so did everyone else. + +In the midst of all this, Nelka finally agreed to marry me. Perhaps +the Revolution, the circumstances, the constant danger which we were +all facing all of the time, helped her make her decision. But decide +she did and so one day early in September 1918 we went to Tsarskoe +Selo, an hour by train from Petrograd where an old aunt of mine +lived. We were married in a church there with just a handful of +friends in attendance. Nelka wore a white sister's uniform for her +wedding dress. My old aunt who was very fond of Nelka took off a gold +bracelet she wore and put it on Nelka's arm. Nelka never took it off +throughout her life. + +Some friends of ours let us use their empty apartment for our +honeymoon. We had a 5 pound can of British bully beef and subsisted +on that until it was used up. We then returned to Petrograd and moved +into one room of a tiny flat where a Polish woman, Mrs. Kelpsh, lived +who had worked in Nelka's hospital in Kovno. This was in a back yard +of a small side street. She registered Nelka under her maiden name +and me not at all. If seen, I was just supposed to be a boy-friend +visiting. + +However, things were getting more and more dangerous, and we had to +invent something if we were to save ourselves. + +Earlier, before our marriage, when things were not so bad and we were +all seeking ways of getting out of Russia, I had applied for a +foreign passport to go abroad. At first some people were being let +out before the Bolsheviks clamped down on everybody. + +Now, this application at the Foreign Office or Commissariat was a +dangerous identity of myself and a disclosure, especially when I was +being searched for because of my connection with the British Mission. + +Nelka knew this situation and one day unknown to me she went to the +Commissariat. There she very naively inquired about the application +of Michael Moukhanoff. The girl looked up and brought out my file, +looked it over and said that no decision had been made yet. Nelka +then asked when one could hope to have an answer. The girl said she +did not know but could go and find out. If Nelka would wait she would +go and inquire. She left the room and Nelka then did a very desperate +thing. She picked up the file from the table, walked quickly out of +the room, down the corridor and then faster down the steps and into +the street where she mixed into the crowd. A dangerous thing to do, +but my file was gone, even though my position became that way only +more illegal and perhaps even more dangerous. But Nelka as usual did +the decided thing with courage and determination. + +Like many others we were now trying to escape. Like always in such +cases, there are people who for a price were getting people out of +town and over the Finish border. It was very dangerous work for +them--dangerous for the people trying to leave and also expensive. We +established contact with one such person who turned out to be a very +decent fellow, and he agreed to try and get us out. He had peasants +along the border whom he knew and who were helping him. These he had +to pay and quite highly for it was all dangerous work for them also. +He warned us that he could not tell when he would be ready to move us +and that we should be ready to go on a moment's notice. Therefore, we +prepared what we thought we could take with us and waited. + +In the meantime my father had succeeded to get some false papers +through his Jewish friend in Moscow and with these he and my mother +managed to get over the Finnish border into Finland by train. They +were by now in Stockholm and getting ready to sail to America. + +By this time also, Nelka and I were living in another house, in a +closed apartment in a house where some very close friends of ours +lived. Nelka was registered there under a false passport in the name +of Emilia Sarapp. I was not known, unless as a boy friend. + +The food situation had become absolutely desperate. There just was +none. Some mornings I would go to the outskirts of the city where +peasants would come in their sleighs selling milk. People fought to +get a quart of this watery stuff. + +We also had some frozen potatoes. When frozen, potatoes are pink and +sweet and slimy. These we ate without butter or even salt which was +not available. The watery milk sometimes helped. Once in a while we +got a loaf of black bread with a mixture of straw. I saw people cut +off chunks of meat from a dead horse lying in the street and carry it +home for their dinner. + +So we packed some clothes and valuables and waited. Before leaving, +we wanted once more to see my old aunt in Tsarskoe and we went there +to say goodbye. We spent the day with her and were returning to +Petrograd before dark, for a curfew was sometimes imposed and it was +not safe to be around in the dark. + +As we were hurrying through the crowded station, someone slipped up +to the side of Nelka. It was our friend from the house we lived in. +She whispered to Nelka: "Do not return home. A raid took place and +they have an ambush waiting for you." Having said that, she slipped +away into the crowd. + +Now we were in a desperate fix, and we knew it. The first thing was +to get off the streets. We quickly thought it over and then called +the apartment of some friends of mine, who we knew were not there, +but where an old governess was still remaining. We just said we would +come over. People understood and asked no questions. We went there, +explained what had happened and spent the night. + +We were in a critical situation. We had no money, except a little on +hand, no belongings of any kind, except the clothes on us, and in +greater danger of getting caught. So first of all, we went to the man +who was to take us over the border and explained the situation. He +especially understood how very dangerous it was particularly for me, +with all the points which were against me. He said he had nothing +arranged for the moment, except one possibility which was not too +certain and not too safe. He had a peasant coming to see him that day +and that he could send me with him, but not both, for this was not to +sure a way. He suggested that we better accept this proposition that +I be got out of the way at once and over the border and that with the +next safer possibility he could move Nelka, I to be waiting just over +the border. Nelka explained that we had no money but that she thought +that she could get some from some one she knew. We all discussed the +situation together for a while, but saw that there was not much +choice. In the meantime, the peasant arrived and the man went to talk +to him. Finally, it was decided that Nelka remain with our friends +under the name of Emilia Sarapp and that I go with the peasant, and +wait at the border. + +It was all very bad. Finally we had to say goodbye, both realizing +the danger but having little choice. It was quite a heartbreaking +separation--I leaving into the unknown with a bandit looking +individual, of whom we knew nothing, Nelka remaining in the city with +the uncertainty of finding any money. + +I will not go into the details of my trip, except to say that it was +not easy nor safe, but I finally late that night reached the Finnish +border and crossing the stream separating the two countries in the +woods and deep snow, arrived at a small Finnish peasant hut. + +I explained the situation to him and that I would like to stay with +him for a few days until my wife could join me. He readily agreed for +he knew and participated in this business of people escaping and was +receiving a number of them at all times. He was also engaged in +contraband dealings and a number of his agents kept coming and going +through his hut, moving goods over the border. I had just a little +money and arranged to have him keep me. I gave a note to the peasant +who brought me over and he promised to get it to Nelka when he +returned to Petrograd. Then I waited. Practically every night people +came over the border and most of them stopped at the hut. It was +quite an active spot. One or two of the parties who were all coming +through the services of the same man, brought me notes from Nelka. +Once or twice I crossed the border back into Russia and went about +five miles to the nearest village hoping that perhaps Nelka was +coming through with the next party as she wrote she hoped to. This +perhaps was dangerous and risky on my part, but nervousness just kept +me from sitting still. + +Then the unforeseen happened. At that time the Finnish people were +having a revolution of their own. There were Red Finns and White +Finns fighting each other all over the country. The front was fluid +with small units moving back and forth, here and there, occupying +this or that area or this or that village. There is where misfortune +struck me. A Red Finnish patrol took possession of the area and I was +caught by the Red patrol. + +This has nothing to do with this story I am now writing about Nelka, +so I will not go into this complicated and lengthy matter of how I +managed to escape from the Finnish Reds. This is a long story. +Suffice it to say, that I managed to get away. + +But it was not possible any more for me to remain on Finnish ground +and I crossed in the night back into Russia. Having no money I was +obliged to walk and walked about 30 miles to Petrograd. I finally +made it, but I did not know where to look for Nelka so I went to our +man. He told me that Nelka was to come and see him that morning at +about eleven, and so I waited. Nelka arrived on time. When she saw me +she went into an absolute fury, for my having come back. I always +said that she was in such a fury with me that for about 48 hours I +never even had a chance to try to tell her why I was back. + +Finally I got it over to her, and while we were happy to be together +again, our position was just as desperate, if not worse, and we were +back where we had started. We knew that we better do something fast. +However, while Nelka had managed to get some money, there was not +enough to pay the man to get us over. + +So I made a suggestion. In as much as I had crossed the border twice +and knew the way pretty well, I suggested that we go on our own +without any guide or assistance. We explained this to our man who was +very nice about it and said that if we wanted to take the risk it was +up to us. + +However, there was little choice so we decided. We paid him for my +first trip and had a little money left. Through some black market +dealer we managed to get a loaf of black bread and with nothing else +but the clothes on our backs, we started out. Nelka wore a sisters +uniform black dress, a heavy cloth coat, a fur cap and black leather +high boots--like riding boots. I wore a military field uniform +without insignia, like most of all the population wore at that time. +While adequate, none of this was too warm for long stays in the cold, +but we had nothing else. It was the end of December. + +Early in the morning we took a train in the direction of the Finnish +border. Trains ran as far as the border, but we got off two stations +earlier, at the same one I used the first time. From that station we +proceeded on foot down a country road towards a village I knew some +five miles away. We reached there in the early afternoon and stopped +at a hut where I also had been on my first trip. The peasant woman +gave us some soup and we were resting and warming up, when suddenly a +bunch of red soldiers entered the yard. The woman whisked us quickly +into an empty room in the back of the house and told us to remain +quiet. We could hear the men come in and ask her if she had seen any +refugees around. (It is to be noted that there were constantly people +trying to escape all along the border and the Reds were always +searching them out. At one time as many as 100 to 150 were getting +over the border daily. All along the border within five miles people +were shot on sight.) + +We heard the woman say she had seen no one. One of the men asked +about her house and asked what was in that room, meaning the one we +were in. The woman answered, "Oh, I keep my chicken there." The men +did not insist and left. It was a close call. After the men left, the +woman suggested that we better leave too, for it was too risky for +her to have us there. We got by once, but it might not happen again +so we also decided that we better leave. The soldiers had gone in the +direction of the station, and, as we were to continue further, we got +out on to the road and started for the next village, a distance of +nearly seven miles through the woods. I also knew that village and +some of the peasants. From there the path through the woods led to +the Finnish border, some five miles away. + +It was getting late and was not a good time to be out at dark for at +night the Reds put out patrols. I hoped however to reach the village +before nightfall and so we hurried along. The road was well rolled +down--the going was not hard and we made good time. + +It was just getting dark but a moon was coming up when we reached the +village. The first hut was the one I had been to before and I knew +the peasants there, who were some of the peasants working for our +man. We entered and a woman rushed up to us crying and urging us to +get out. She was weeping and finally managed to explain that her +husband had just been arrested by the Reds and taken away on +suspicion that he was helping the refugees. She practically pushed us +out of the house. + +So here we were, out on the road facing a dilemma. Any moment now the +night Red patrol would be out on the road. Another one would be out +at the village we came from. Before us lay the path towards the +Finnish border, but it crossed a wide field before entering the +woods. I knew the way well but with the full moon out you could see a +great distance, like in the day, on the bright snow and I was afraid +to be spotted crossing that field. + +I told Nelka I was afraid to risk this trip towards the border as it +was so light. But we had little choice, for the patrols would be out +any minute now and we could not remain on the road. With no other +choice left we retreated into the woods, off the road and settled +under some thick pine trees for the night, right in the snow. It was +Xmas eve. + +We survived the night and even slept a little. It was also evident +that Nelka was developing some kind of flu and was running a +temperature. I used to joke that she melted the snow around us +because of that. Luckily there was no wind. The snow was deep and we +dug out a hollow. The temperature was probably about ten or fifteen +above. Remember we had no covers--just our clothes. We ate some of +our remaining black bread. We were tired from so much walking and so +we slept. + +By morning it was obvious that Nelka was ill and had a temperature. +We had to act quick and invent something, so we went back to the +village and I entered the same hut again. The woman had quieted down +and did not push us out. We also found there another couple who +turned out to be an officer with his wife trying to get out as we +did, so we decided to stick together. The woman suggested that we go +by sleigh to the next village and try to cross from there. So we +hired a sleigh and started out--this time the four of us with the +driver. It was now fairly safe to move along the roads by day with +the night patrols off. + +We drove to the next village about ten miles away. When we came to +the village, our driver said he wanted to stop at the tavern which +was located at the entrance to the village. He went in while we +waited in the sleigh. When he came out a soldier followed him onto +the porch. He looked at us suspiciously and then asked the peasant +where we were coming from. The peasant named a village to the east. +The soldier then suddenly said: "Why your horse is turned the wrong +way, wait a minute," and he stepped back into the tavern. + +Our driver whipped up his horse and we went down the road as fast as +we could. Looking back we saw several soldiers run out on the porch. +One of them lifted his rifle and a shot came over us, but we were +well on our way. They had no horses available to follow us so did not +pursue and we got away. After a ride of some two miles, we turned +sharply to the left and down a narrow lane into the woods. Here the +peasant stopped and said the border was only about two miles away and +that he would lead us for so much. We agreed. He hid his sleigh and +horse in an empty barn and we started out. Soon the lane ended and we +were in thick woods. The snow was waste deep and with the fallen +logs, the going was extremely difficult. We had to haul the women +over the logs and pull them out of the deep snow. Both the women and +especially Nelka who was ill, were completely exhausted. It was a +painful procession. Finally we came to a clearing in the woods and +the peasant turning around, said very calmly, "This is Finland." A +very strange feeling of elation and apprehension and a strange +feeling of leaving in such a manner one's native land. + +We were now not at all sure what kind of Finns we would encounter, +but soon we saw two Finnish soldiers and much to my relief I +recognized them as being White Finns. They stopped us and then took +us to the village to their officer. A young lieutenant was sitting at +a table in a small hut. We reported to him and when I mentioned that +I was an officer and named my regiment, he rose and saluted. The +Finns were very decent and helpful in every way. Despite their own +difficulties, they extended help to the numerous refugees coming +over, established receiving camps and medical units for the sick. We +were taken by sleigh to Terrioky. Nelka as having temperature was +taken to the hospital and I to the camp. As soon as possible we +communicated with our friends the Wredes in Helsingfors and they +immediately took steps to get us out of camp and into their own home. +So in a few days we were on our way to Helsingfors where we received +the warmest hospitality from the Wredes and remained with them for +about six weeks. + +We then proceeded by way of Stockholm and Oslo to the United States +sailing on the Stavangerfiord for New York early in February of 1919. + +Upon our arrival in America we went to Washington where we stayed +with Nelka's Aunt and Uncle. Later in the spring we went to Cazenovia +to the little house which Nelka's Aunt Susie had left her and spent +finally a restful and quiet summer, which was our honeymoon time. We +were also regaining our health, which had suffered from the +starvation period. Nelka put on some forty pounds and I came back to +normal after having been bloated from hunger, like some starved Hindu +child. + +However, we soon felt that this easy and restful life was not right +morally. The Bolsheviks were still in power, wrecking Russia and a +civil war was raging between the Bolsheviks and the White Russians: +We decided that it was our duty to go back and help. So I went to +Washington and offered my services at the Russian mission to join one +of the volunteer armies. We first planned to go to Siberia but then +decided we would join the army of General Denikin in the South of +Russia, and I was given an assignment there. + +Before sailing for Europe we went to New Orleans to visit Nelka's +cousin and then sailed from there for Liverpool, and then to London +and Paris. Once in Paris we were advised that things were not going +well in the south with the army of General Denikin and that we better +wait before going on. So we stayed in France and I joined the French +airplane factory of Louis Breguet near Paris where I worked for about +8 months. Then things got better in the Southern Army and we once +again decided to go on to the Army reorganized now by General +Wrangel. + +Just at that time the Breguet factory received an order for night +bombers for the Russian Army and it was arranged that I escort that +shipment to the Crimea. So once again I put on the uniform of a +Russian lieutenant, Nelka put on the uniform of a Russian Red Cross +nurse and we set out. + +The planes were boxed and sent to Marseilles where they were loaded +on a French freighter, the Saint Basil, and we left for +Constantinople. As the planes were bulky but light, the boat was +light and high in the water. Because of that the propeller was but +halfway in the water and our progress was very slow. It took us 17 +days to get to Constantinople. Hardly had we dropped anchor in the +Bosphorus as a launch drew up and a French officer came aboard and +asked who was in charge of the shipment. He informed me that we could +not proceed any further because news had just been received that the +Army of General Wrangel had started the evacuation of the Crimea. + +So we had to go ashore. The planes, having come from France, were +unloaded and left with the French Army of occupation. So, came to an +end our trip and our efforts to join the White Russian Army. We +landed in Constantinople and in the next few days the evacuated Army +of Wrangel started to arrive. Over 140,000 people arrived including +the remnants of the army and between 6 and 7 thousand wounded. The +plight of these people was terrible. While the wounded were landed +and taken care of by the American and British Red Cross, most of the +rest were not allowed ashore and were kept on board the ships in the +harbour. One boat had 12,000 people aboard. + +The day after we had arrived, I accidentally met in the street Robert +Imbrie, whom I had known when he was American Consul in Petrograd. It +turned out that he also had just arrived and like ourselves was also +on his way to the Crimea, appointed from the State Department. He +asked me what I was going to do and I explained that probably for the +moment we would return to France. He said that he was waiting for +instructions from Washington to know what to do. Next day he +contacted me saying that he was assigned to form a Russian Section at +the American Embassy in Constantinople and offered me a job to work +with him. I gladly accepted and so we stayed in Constantinople for +the next 8 months. + +It was a very interesting period. My work was varied. I acted as +interpreter at the American Embassy with the Russians and with the +French. Nelka joined the organization of the French Admiral's wife, +Madame Dumesnil, doing refugee relief work. + +It was an interesting and exhilarating time in Constantinople. We saw +and knew a number of very interesting people. We saw unusual +situations and we were both very busy. + +Mr. Imbrie, with whom I worked, had as his assignment to undertake +inspection tours. For this he often used the American destroyers +which were anchored in the Bosphorus. Thus, we went to Gallipoli, to +Lemnos, to Salonica, etc. + +On a certain day we took off for Varna in Bulgaria and from there to +Batum in the Caucasus. + +Nelka remained in Constantinople and had with her a little companion, +a dog Djedda. Djedda influenced a great deal of our future existence, +and as you will see there was quite a story attached to this little +dog. + +One day we were visiting the bazaar of Constantinople, a colorful, +typical oriental spot, crowded and noisy, with oriental smells and +sounds. In one of the passages we came across a small, brown dog, +which was running around frightened and miserable. We spoke to her +and, while she was timid, she was friendly and came to us. We decided +to pick her up and that we could give her to the little daughter of +the man in whose house we had a room. The little girl Offy was living +with her father who had recently lost his wife and we thought that +the little dog would fit in nicely as a playmate for the little girl. +Offy was very pleased and we showed her how to take care of the dog. +The first thing to do was to wash the dog and get some of the grime +off. When this was done we were surprised to find out that she was +white not brown, the size of a small fox terrier, with lovely eyes +and a vivacious disposition. So all was well for the dog, for Offy +and for us--at least for the moment. A few days later Offy announced +that the dog seemed ill. We examined her and found that she was +running a temperature, would not move and certainly was not well. We +arranged her in a small box and took her to our room for she needed +better care than the little girl could give her. As she did not +improve, we took her to the veterinary and he found that she was +suffering from inflammatory rheumatism of the joints. He gave her +some medicine and told us to keep her quiet. This was not difficult +to do for she was very ill and did not move. In this critical +condition she must have stayed for about two weeks, possibly more. +Then she began to show some signs of recovery, but even this was very +gradual. Gradually she began to regain strength and finally we tried +to have her get out of her box and walk about. When we tried this, we +found to our surprise that she could not stand up and we discovered +that her two front legs had stiffened in the joints, which would not +move. Those joints had actually grown together and the dog would +never be able to move them again. However, with time Djedda adapted +herself wonderfully to this situation and learned to hobble about +just on her hind legs supporting herself by holding her left front +leg against her hip. The right front leg was bent up below her chin +against her chest. Naturally in that condition the dog could not +remain with the little girl so she stayed with us. And despite her +crippled condition, Djedda was a most wonderful and lovable dog. She +adapted herself so well that she could even go up the steps. + +Like all invalids, Djedda adapted herself wonderfully and was quite +proficient in her movements, though she always remained a cripple. +The only thing she could not do was come down the stairs. So, if she +found herself at the head of the stairs, she would start barking +until someone came to carry her down. She was a very wonderful pet to +us for about 12 years. This poor little cripple was the most gay and +joyful little dog, a wonderful and devoted companion and we never +regretted for a moment having had the good luck of finding her. She +gave us a great deal of joy and comfort. + +So when I left with Imbrie for Batum, Nelka remained with Djedda. +When leaving I told Nelka that I was to be back a certain Monday. +Well, things did not go exactly on schedule. When we got to Batum, we +found that the city, which was occupied by the Turks, was being +besieged by the Georgians. We went ashore, looked the situation over +and saw that it was not good. We remained anchored in the harbor. The +next morning the Georgians attacked and hot fighting resulted. Most +of it was with small arms only, but when the bullets begun to spatter +against our destroyer, the captain decided that we better get out, +which we did, and we steamed back to Constantinople. With this delay, +we were off schedule and instead of arriving on Monday it was +Wednesday. When I returned home I found that Nelka was gone, with a +note left for me. The note said that as I had not returned on Monday +and as news had reached Constantinople that heavy fighting was on in +Batum, that she was leaving to look for me. I was furious, because it +was so utterly useless. + +Upon inquiry I found that she had boarded a small Italian freighter +plying the cost of Asiatic Turkey. The boat named San Georgio had +left on Tuesday and had no wireless. The boat's company explained +that she was due back in about three weeks. + +I went to explain the situation to Admiral Bristol at the American +Embassy. He said that he knew about Nelka having gone, for while +disapproving of it and advising her against it, he had helped her get +the Interallied visas which were necessary to be able to leave the +city. Normally it took about a week to get these visas, British, +French, Italian and United States. Nelka got them in 3 hours. + +While the Embassy reassured her and told her there was nothing to +worry about, her main objective of getting on a boat was to try to +communicate with me on the destroyer by wireless. It later developed +that, after she had left on the San Georgio and they were out at sea, +then only did she discover that the boat carried no wireless. +Therefore her main objective of communicating with me was not +possible but this she discovered too late. + +She had booked passage first class and upon arriving found out that +that entitled her to a chair in the salon. Others sat on the deck on +the floor. The decks were crowded with Turkish men who were traveling +from one small port to the next along the east. Each night they +brought out their small prayer rugs and turning towards the setting +sun, prayed kneeling in rows on deck. + +Once aboard, Nelka also found out that first class tickets did not +include meals. Having very little money with her, she found that she +was not able to afford to buy much. She had a bag of apples with her. +Not having anyone to leave Djedda with, Nelka took her along and +carried her under her arm all the time. While they did not feed +Nelka, the steward was very kind and Djedda was fed. And so they +traveled. + +I, in the meantime, was desperately trying to find a way to contact +Nelka on the San Georgio. The admiral and the Embassy were very +cooperative and the admiral issued orders to all the destroyers to +keep an eye for the San Georgio and intercept her if spotted. + +Having traveled most of the length of the southern coast of the Black +Sea, the Italian captain announced that he was going into Batum. +Batum in the meantime had been occupied by the Bolshevik forces and +therefore Nelka's position became very precarious. She argued with +the captain but he said he had a cargo to pick up and that he was +going in. The first thing Nelka did was to hide her identification +papers, her passport and visas. Better to have nothing than to be +found out as a White Russian. She remained in the cabin while in +Batum. On the second morning a bunch of Bolshevik soldiers arrived +and announced that they were going to search the ship. This was a +very dangerous situation for Nelka. However after a while, and while +they had been half through the boat, another party arrived and +started an argument with the first bunch as to who had the right to +make this search. They pretty nearly came to blows in this argument, +but finally still arguing all left without finishing the search. This +was a close call for Nelka. Next morning the San Georgio pulled out +on her way back to Constantinople. She was grateful, but by now was +becoming pretty hungry and what food she managed to get was very +scarce. + +A few days later, just as they were pulling into Samsun, the American +destroyer John D. Edwards spotted the San Georgio, hailed her and +inquired about Nelka. When told that she was aboard, they lowered a +boat and came to fetch her, and took her and the dog aboard upon +specific orders from Admiral Bristol. The commanding officer, Captain +Sharp was most helpful and kind. He gave Nelka his cabin and, also as +she had run out of everything, offered her his underclothes. Two +sailors were assigned to take care of Djedda. + +They steamed back towards Constantinople, but had to delay the return +for they had to go out to sea for gunnery practice. Thus, Nelka must +have remained on the destroyer for four or five days before +returning. This was a very harrowing and needless expedition which +could have very easily ended in a tragic manner. + +By summer the work of the Russian section of the Embassy was coming +to an end. My chief, Mr. Imbrie, received a new assignment to go to +Rumania, and we decided to return to France. The Embassy hearing +this, offered to give us a permit to travel to Marseilles on an +American Shipping Board vessel, which normally did not carry +passengers. They advised that it would be convenient for us and +inexpensive, the rate being only $5 per day for each of us, for a +trip of about five days. + +We accepted with pleasure. It was also convenient for the +transportation of our animals, for by this time, in addition to +Djedda we had a small black dog and two young cats. One, Nuri, was a +small kitten which I picked up out of the gutter where it was nearly +drowned in the rain. That was a very wonderful cat who lived with us +for 18 years. + +Late one evening we boarded the Lake Farley. The captain assigned to +us our cabin and we were underway. It was late July and when we +entered the cabin we found that the temperature must have been well +over a hundred. It was so hot that the floor was too hot for the cats +to walk on and they kept jumping back and forth from one bunk to the +other. The dogs we had left on deck. + +So we went to the Captain and complained about the heat. He said he +was sorry he had nothing better but that the whole boat was at our +disposal and we could arrange ourselves wherever we wished. So after +looking everything over, we finally decided to sleep on top of the +chartroom. We climbed up there with a couple of blankets and settled +for the night under the stars. This was not bad but only the sparks +from the funnel kept raining down on us most of the time. But we got +used to this and stayed that way most of the trip. The captain was +American as well as the mate but the crew was of all nationalities, +the cook being a Turk. However it did not look as though the trip +would last only five days as the boat was very slow. We stopped on +our way at Biserta on the African coast and had a day ashore. The day +after we left Biserta at lunch time, I smelled smoke, so I told Nelka +I would go and investigate. The moment I came out on deck the alarm +bells started off and I saw the middle of the ship aflame. + +While I went on deck, Nelka had gone to our cabin, and when she +entered she also heard the alarm. So picking up the two cats and a +life belt, she hurried on deck. I likewise picked up the two dogs and +a life belt. + +The captain was hollering from the bridge to lower the boats as the +ship would blow up because of the oil. In a few minutes one of the +boats was already bobbing on the water and the cook in his white cap +was in it. However, all who were available were fighting the fire, +mostly with sand and finally we got it under control. All was fine, +only the fire did some damage in the engine room and for more than a +day we drifted while they were making repairs. + +Then we resumed our way to Barcelona where we were to unload some of +the wheat we were carrying. When we got there the Spanish authorities +would not allow us to go ashore for, as we were Russians, they +decided that we may be communists. So they even posted a policeman to +see that we would not sneak off. This might not have been so bad, but +in the unloading a mistake was made. The forward hull was emptied and +as a result the ship sank by the stern and got stuck in the mud +bottom. It took us a whole week to extricate ourselves and all that +time we had to just sit on that boat. + +By the time we finally got to Marseille we had been traveling for +three weeks. + +We settled in Menton where we remained for several years. I worked in +a French Real Estate office. We also played at Monte Carlo and were +quite proficient. Nelka used to say that this was the only honest and +"above board" business. + +In the summer of 1927 we received the news that Nelka's Uncle Herbert +Wadsworth had died suddenly from a heart attack. Once again Nelka had +a severe blow and sorrow and once more she had lost a close person +without having seen him. That fall we finally sailed for America with +our friends Count and Countess Pushkin. We all settled in Cazenovia +where Count Pushkin and I started a furniture carving business which +we kept up for about three years, until the start of the depression. + +While living on the Riviera our animal family had grown to 8 dogs and +5 cats, all picked up or abandoned. The little crippled Djedda was +still with us and the most cherished of our pets. We brought the +whole menagerie with us to America. + +In 1930 when the depression was well under way, we once again sailed +back to France and this time were there for three years--part of the +time in the South and part near Paris. My father died at that time +and in 1934 we returned to America. + +On arrival, we went directly to Ashantee to visit Nelka's Aunt +Martha, who had been quite ill for sometime after a car accident. We +arrived on a Saturday. The next Tuesday Aunt Martha died. This was +again a terrible shock for Nelka. Once again death had struck +suddenly and this time her last close relative was gone. Both Aunt +Susie and Uncle Herbert had died without Nelka being with them and +now Aunt Martha dies only three days after we had returned. + +Aunt Martha left Ashantee to Nelka and her cousin Lutie Van Horn. So +unexpectedly we found ourselves here and remained. At first we +thought that we would sell the property but the depression was on and +it was not possible to do so. + +Thus we stayed and stayed. I did some farming and we still had the +remnants of her aunt's horse business, but these were difficult years +for us. + +I think that while this prolonged stay might have been difficult and +materially complicated, this time was not wasted, as Nelka pointed +out, from a moral point of view. It was a time of consolidation of +our points of view, of our beliefs and conceptions. + +And so we stayed here from 1934 until today, and until Nelka passed +away in December 1963--a long stay of close to thirty years. + +Nelka had had a very varied, very diversified and unusual life. A +life which was one of highly emotional feelings. I think +characteristic of Nelka was her highly emotional expression of +loyalty and devotion, an emotion, which dominated most of her life +and all of her actions. + +Anything she did or undertook was primarily motivated by emotion +rather than by reason, but once decided upon she carried out her +actions with great determination and great will power. + +Her first overwhelming emotional feeling was a patriotic +nationalistic feeling for Russia, and a mystic devotion to the person +of the Emperor and the Russian Orthodox Church. + +Then her next emotional feeling was the attachment and deep loyalty +for her family and her kin. + +But in Russia she had no relatives and all her family was American. +Because of that there seemed always to be a conflict of feelings, +attachments and loyalties, a conflict which dominated a great part of +her life, at least the first part of it. I think in many respects +this conflict of feelings was upsetting and painful and she suffered +a great deal from the frustrations that these feelings often brought +about. + +Because of these conflicting feelings and attachments Nelka was +restless and went back and forth between Europe and America always +seeking a solution and a way of life. I think these conflicting +feelings and the deep attachment to her family were the main reasons +why for so long she had not married. She just was afraid to create or +add a new attachment. + +Pretty, with a lovely figure, always very feminine, with a brilliant +mind and a sparkling personality, a great sense of humor, broad and +diversified education, an understanding of art and good taste, +cosmopolitan in her experiences and speaking four languages--Nelka +had tremendous success both with men and with women. + +The friends she had were always deeply devoted friends who kept their +friendship through years or through life and were always under the +spell of her personality. + +Her overwhelming personality and charm naturally attracted men and +about thirty men of every nationality had at one time or another +asked her in marriage. When she was twenty-two, during her four +months visit in Bulgaria, five men proposed to her. + +But she never agreed, first because just marriage for the sake of +marriage had no attraction for her, and because of her emotional +attachments she was afraid to create a new one. She also once told my +mother that she would never marry unless she had a complete and +overwhelming feeling, and that she had not yet found. + +Throughout these years and because of these conflicting feelings, I +think she was disturbed and in many ways not happy. There was too +much conflict of feelings. Also her philosophically inclined mind was +always searching and seeking--searching a religious understanding of +life, always questioning the reasons for this or that problem of +life. Her Aunt Susan Blow, who was a great student of philosophy, +contributed much in a way to Nelka's emotional seekings. But how +often in later years Nelka lamented the fact that she had not +utilized fully the wisdom and the knowledge that her aunt could have +given her in her philosophical understandings. Nelka was seeking by +herself, trying to unravel the questions which bothered her through +her own thinking. + +But from a rational point of view some of her feelings and emotions +were very devastating for her own existence and her own serenity. And +her deep attachment to the family was also a source of pain and +suffering because of its acuteness. There was not much family left +but for those who remained, Nelka gave a full measure of love and +devotion. The loss of those close to her were blows which did not +heal easily and caused deep pain. The death of her little dog Tibi +likewise gave a nearly exaggerated frustration and grief. Just like +everything else in her life, Nelka's grief was complete. She in +everything understood and accepted only completeness. Nothing in her +life meant anything if it was only partial. She could never settle +for 50%, always seeking totality, only completeness, and this of +course is a tremendous strain on one's person. That strain I think +showed itself in Nelka for many years of her life and only towards +the later part of it she seemed to acquire some stability of feeling +and emotional impulse. There was a reason for that of which I will +speak later. + +A friend of hers once said about her, "She was a tremendous +personality and such force." + +Like all humans she had her weaknesses, but these weaknesses were in +a way her force, for by sheer will power, by determination or by +uncompromising dedication, she was able to control or overcome her +weaknesses. Not many are able to do that. + +She had many friends in all walks of life and in different countries +of many nationalities, but always the reaction was the same--a +complete spell of attraction and fascination and generally a long +lasting friendship--which once established, was never broken. And +that because of that tremendous personality. + +Around 1885 lived a young Russian girl, Marie Bashkirtzeff. She wrote +some prose and poetry and did some painting. She lived and died very +young from TB on the French Riviera in Nice. Not particularly pretty, +nor particularly striking, she had nevertheless a tremendous +personality. In fact so striking that the city of Nice after her +death created a Museum Bashkirtzeff where were kept her paintings, +her writings and her personal things. The French author Francois +Coppee said of Marie Bashkirtzeff: "Je l'ai vue une fois, je l'ai vue +une heure, je ne l'oublirais jamais." (I saw her once, I saw her one +hour--I shall forget her never.) + +I think as far as personality is concerned, this applied likewise to +Nelka. As I said before, I saw her for the first time when I was but +seven years old. The impression I got then never left me throughout +my life and only grew and developed with time and age. + +We were married for 45 years and my love and devotion to her date +back from that encounter at seven. In other words a span of 60 +years--a lifetime. A lifetime during which everything was centered +around this one person. + +I think one can say that she had been both very happy and very +unhappy in her life, at least this was the balance of her feelings +during the first half of her life. During that period she experienced +great happiness in her relationship with her mother and with other +members of her family, in the devotion and loyalty she had to them. +She also experienced happiness in her endeavors in her school work, +in her interests in life and for life. The happiness she may have +derived from the realization of things well done and accomplished. + +But also there was great, overwhelming unhappiness and sorrow, +because of the unusually hard way in which she accepted the loss of +those who were close to her. Few probably felt such losses as acutely +as she did and this caused pain and anguish. Then there also was +unhappiness in the contradiction and the division of feelings, +between two countries, two backgrounds, two ideologies, two +attachments. This constant division brought with it many heartaches, +many disappointments. + +And then the second half of her life was the one she passed with +me. I can only hope that I may have given her at least a measure +of the happiness which she so much deserved. Again there were +disappointments, frustrations and heartaches as there are in every +life and existence. But gradually, with age she seemed to acquire a +greater calm in her feelings, she seemed to mellow in her intensity, +she seemed to find greater reconciliation within her own beliefs and +thoughts and find a greater calm of the soul and a greater +satisfaction in her beliefs than she had before that. + +She always felt that the turning point in her life, as well as in +mine, started from the time we were in Constantinople and when we saw +a distant aunt of mine, Princess Gorchakoff. + +She was a student of Theosophy and also seemed to have the calm and +serenity which comes from the study of that philosophy. Undoubtedly +she had a good deal of influence on Nelka and started us on a new way +of thinking. Out of this encounter developed gradually all the +changes of beliefs and attitudes which brought about such a +fundamental and radical change in all the outlooks which Nelka had +held hitherto and which she was now discarding. + +I think I can say that towards the end she had acquired great moral +calm, satisfaction and serenity. She was not perplexed or afraid of +the uncertainties of one's beliefs, of the imminence of death or of +the questions of the hereafter. + +Doubt, uncertainty, perplexity and an unresolved search seemed to +have been supplanted by a feeling of calm and confidence. A great +thing for anyone to have and to be able to have the moral fortitude +to face such a change and to accept it graciously. + +And the change was radical and complete in every phase of her life: + +From a framework of an organized Church, the change to a live +internal belief in the teachings of Christ and an effort to carry +this out in the aspects of everyday living, in reality of application +and not in dogma. + +From a conservative, ultra conservative aristocratic, nearly feudal +system of absolute monarchy, an understanding that this had become +obsolete and had no value except perhaps in it purely external +beauty--to a realistic approach of a form of Christian socialism and +the brotherhood not only of man but of all living creatures. + +From an accepted habit of meat eating to complete ethical +vegetarianism as a regard to the sanctity of all life. A complete +Reverence of Life. + +From an intolerance towards the beliefs of others to a complete +understanding of the others point of view. A tolerance towards +others, accepting from them only as much as the given person can +understand in the given time and his mental and moral development, +and no more. But at the same time expecting to see that person +exercise in practice the full measure of that understanding and +belief. + +From a pride and satisfaction at her aristocratic origin, an +admission that this had no value and that the only thing that counted +was the "aristocracy of the spirit." + +From a worry of having to put a new fur collar on her winter coat to +a refusal to wear any fur as being the product of animal slaughter or +the product of the trap, producing protracted agony to the animals. + +From a lack of understanding, if not indifference, to animals and +dogs in particular, an intense devotion, love and work for all +animals and for dogs in particular. + +From an interest and participation in medicine, a complete reversal +in her attitude towards it because of the vivisectional basis of most +of it. As a result, an ardent and militant anti-vivisectionist. + +A complete change all along the line. + +Despite an often tragic look on life and a serious questioning of its +purposes, despite a great deal of sorrow which she always felt very +deeply, despite an often sad expression on her face in her +photographs, Nelka had a great deal of natural gaiety and a +tremendous sense of humor. She was always ready to see the funny +qualities of people or the funny side of events and could laugh with +a great deal of abandon. + +Despite her strong Russian nationalism, Nelka was fundamentally +cosmopolitan. Having had a diversified education in various +countries, speaking four languages and having traveled extensively +through many countries, she had a cosmopolitan mind and outlook and +was perfectly at home in any country and with any nationality, in any +surrounding. + +Nelka's mind was always a very philosophical mind and which was never +at rest. I have never known anyone who did so much constant thinking. +She was always thinking, her mind never idle, always trying to "think +things out." Many people are ready or willing to just "accept." Nelka +was never ready to just "accept." She would accept only after she +had thought it out and could accept it as a result of her own +thinking. + +Perhaps the most striking change in her outlook and belief was the +question of war. She had been a strong militarist; that is, that she +understood and justified and accepted war. In fact she considered +that this was the only right attitude that one could have and that +the willingness to go to war for an idea or a principle could not be +questioned. Thus, she had participated in three Wars. + +But then later, having seen all the horrors of war, its utter +futility, absurdity and uselessness and most of all its immorality +and its contradictions to the principles of the teachings of Christ, +she became an uncompromising and militant pacifist. + +Very characteristic of Nelka was her attitude towards all action and +activities motivated for a principle. She was never worried or +seeking results. She always said that one should do the right thing +as one understood it and not worry about the results, those will take +care of themselves. If you did the right thing, the result was bound +to come, but should not be the goal in itself--the goal only being to +try to do the maximum according to one's understanding. A very +admirable conception but one which it is not easy to accept by most +who only seek results and often with means which might not be the +right ones. The concept that the end justifies the means was +certainly the absolute opposite of what she was either seeking or +believing. + +It took courage to advocate such beliefs and even perhaps more +courage to be able to turn around and so fundamentally change the +beliefs from the ones held to the ones now accepted. But the concept +of accepting only that which one understands at the given time, +applied just as much to the beliefs first held as to the ones +ultimately accepted. + +Nelka was never afraid physically, but she was also never afraid +morally. + +I think after our marriage and also the circumstances of the +Revolution Nelka lost some of her restlessness. Marriage for better +or worse was an achievement and carried with it an obligation and a +purpose. She took the acceptance of marriage as a completeness and a +fusion of two persons into one. This in itself was an anchor which +held back the former restlessness. + +Also the Russia she loved so was gone as a practical and possible +entity and only a memory of a past devotion remained. Therefore, both +marriage and the Revolution brought about a stabilization of feelings +and a concentration as well. There was less possible diversion and +this brought a mental calm and satisfaction. There was less searching +or even the necessity for it. + +Her loyalty to the principles of marriage was complete like +everything else in her life to which she never gave less than +completeness. She always was looking for one hundred percent and +nothing less would do. + +In later years of her life and after our marriage, Nelka settled much +more mentally and morally and seemed to find many of the answers she +had so long been seeking. And this, not because of the external +differences of life or the establishment of a marital status, but +rather as the result of certain new currents of thought which came as +a result of the study of Theosophy and the wisdom of the East. + +While I cannot claim any personal influence which I may have +contributed, there certainly was no divergence and thus no upsetting +uncertainties. I think we were blessed in that way that we helped +each other and followed largely the same path of mental analysis hand +in hand. + +I feel and consider that I was exceptionally privileged in my life to +have had such a mate, such a guide, such a helper, such a companion. + +She never married before because she had not found the completeness +of feeling. I am grateful and happy to think that she found that +completeness with me, which I hope I was able to give her at least in +a measure. + +She gave me the complete devotion and love which she did for a very +happy existence and complete understanding between us for 45 years. +I, at least, understood what a very extraordinary person she was and +what a blessing had been bestowed on me for having had her for my +own. + +Nelka--a unique name for a unique person. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NELKA*** + + +******* This file should be named 22655.txt or 22655.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/2/6/5/22655 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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