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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+January 26, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 26, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 15, 2007 [EBook #22612]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150.
+
+January 26, 1916.
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+Some idea of the financial straits in which English people find
+themselves may be gathered from the statement that the first forced
+strawberries of the season fetched no more than ten shillings a pound.
+The Germans proudly point out that their forced loans fetched more than
+that.
+
+       * * *
+
+A kindly M.P. has suggested that our German naval prisoners should be
+employed in making the projected the ship canal between the Firths of
+Forth and Clyde. At present they suffer terribly from a form of
+nostalgia known as canal-sickness.
+
+       * * *
+
+Owing to the scarcity of hay in the Budapest Zoo the herbivorous animals
+are being fed on chestnuts, and several local humorous papers have been
+obliged to suspend publication.
+
+       * * *
+
+As the two Polar bears refused to flourish on a war-diet they were
+condemned to death, and a Hungarian sportsman paid twelve pounds for the
+privilege of shooting them. No arrangements have yet been concluded for
+finishing off the Russian variety.
+
+       * * *
+
+Old saw, adapted by an American journalist: Call no one happy until he
+is HEARST.
+
+       * * *
+
+We all know that marriage is a lottery. But the New Zealand paper which
+headed an announcement of President WILSON'S engagement, "Wild
+Speculation," was, we trust, taking an unduly gloomy view.
+
+       * * *
+
+The fact that the POSTMASTER-GENERAL and the ASSISTANT
+POSTMASTER-GENERAL are as like as two PEASES was bound to cause a
+certain amount of confusion. Still we hardly think it justified a Welsh
+paper in placing a notice of their achievements under the heading: "Pea
+Soup and Salt Beef: 300 Sailors Poisoned."
+
+       * * *
+
+In the endeavour to decide authoritatively what is a new-laid egg the
+Board of Agriculture has sought information from various sources, but is
+reported to be still sitting. There is some fear that the definition
+will be addled.
+
+       * * *
+
+In tendering birthday congratulations to Mr. AUSTIN DOBSON a
+contemporary noted that "many of his most charming poems and essays were
+written amid; their the prosaic surroundings of the Board of Trade," and
+described him as "a fine example of a poet rising above his
+environment." Mr. EDMUND GOSSE, who was a colleague of Mr. DOBSON at
+Whitehall Gardens during his most tuneful period, is inclined to think
+this last remark uncalled for.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is estimated that 843,920 house-holders read with secret joy the
+paragraph in last week's papers stating that spring-cleaning is likely
+to cost the housekeeper this year considerably more than usual both for
+materials and labour; that 397,413 of them repeated it to their wives,
+suggesting that here was a chance for a real war-economy; and that one
+(a deaf man) persisted in the suggestion after his wife had given her
+views on the subject.
+
+       * * *
+
+On reading that London people spend on an average seven shillings a year
+in theatre-tickets, a manager expressed the opinion that according to
+his experience this calculation was not quite fair. Account should also
+have been taken of the very large sum which they expend on stamps when
+writing for free admissions.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is evident that recent events have had a chastening effect upon
+Bulgarian ambitions. After receiving a field-marshal's baton from the
+KAISER, KING FERDINAND is reported to have expressed his hope that by
+co-operation their countries would obtain that to which they had a
+right. The KAISER then left Nish in a hurry.
+
+       * * *
+
+From El Paso (Texas) comes news that a band of Mexican bandits stopped a
+train near Chicuabar, seized seventeen persons, stripped them of
+clothing, robbed them, and then shot them dead. There is some talk of
+their being elected Honorary Germans.
+
+       * * *
+
+China has sent a trial lot of small brown eggs packed in sawdust to this
+country, and it is thought that after all we shall be able to have a
+General Election.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Private Jones_ (_crawling out after being buried by a
+shell explosion_). "Silly 'orse-play, _I_ calls it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
+
+    "The able organisation which resulted in Hell being evacuated
+    with just as complete success and the same absence of loss as at
+    Suvla and Anzac, relieves what might otherwise be the rather
+    melancholy spectacle of the winding up of this enterprise."
+
+    _Morning Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an article by Mr. JOHN LAYLAND on his visit to the Fleet:--
+
+    "One would like to describe much more than one has seen, but
+    that is impossible."--_Morning Paper._
+
+Some other Correspondents have found no such difficulty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lady Secretary Required, for about two hours early every
+    morning, by lady doctor living near the Marble Arch; rapid
+    shorthand essential; preference given to a possessor of healthy
+    teeth."
+
+    _Advt. in "The Times."_
+
+It looks as if the lady-secretary's luncheon would be a tough
+proposition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Our Correspondent endorses the Russian official claim to have
+    captured the heights north-east of Czernowitz."--_Morning
+    Paper._
+
+The Correspondent's condescension is no doubt greatly appreciated by our
+Allies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Answer to a correspondent:--
+
+    "'Enquirer.'--It is pronounced 'communeek.'"--_"Examiner,"
+    Launceston, Tasmania._
+
+But not in the best circles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERNISING LAST YEAR'S SKIRT.
+
+    Another simple and practical way of doing it would be, if the
+    skirt is quite plain, to lift it well from the top, and set it
+    neatly on to a band, so making the skirt shorter as well as
+    fuller. Eight inches is not considered too short for present
+    wear, though personally I think six inches a more graceful
+    length. However, do not be tempted to wear a very short skirt
+    unless you are the possessor of well-shaped feet and
+    ankles.--_The Woman's Magazine_.
+
+But what about knees?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Babu's letter of excuse:--
+
+    "Sir,--As my wife's temper is not well since last night, on
+    account of that I am unable to attend office to-day. Kindly
+    excuse my absence and grant me one day's causual leave."
+
+In the circumstances Caudle leave would have been a happier form of
+holiday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO GET UP A HOLY WAR
+
+(German Style).
+
+    [The Special Correspondent of _The Times_ at Salonica states
+    that "among the documents examined at the Consulate of his
+    Catholic and Apostolic Majesty of Austria are 1,500 copies of a
+    long proclamation in Arabic to the Chiefs of the Senussis,
+    inciting them to a Holy War on non-Germanic Christendom." The
+    proclamation purports to be composed by one of the Faithful, but
+    "its pseudo-Oriental wording clearly betrays its Germanic
+    authorship."]
+
+    In Allah's name, Senussis! Allah's name!
+  Please note the Holy War that we proclaim!
+  High at the main we hoist our sacred banner
+  (Forgive my pseudo-Oriental manner);
+  For now the psychologic _Tag_ has come
+  To put the final lid on Christendom,
+  Always excepting that peculiar part
+  Which has the hopes of Musulmans at heart.
+  For lo! this noble race (its Chief has said it;
+  Else would it seem almost too good to credit),
+  Prompted by generous instincts, undertakes
+  To waive its scruples and for your sweet sakes,
+  Indifferent to private gain or loss,
+  To help the Crescent overthrow the Cross.
+
+    Christians they are, I own, this Teuton tribe,
+  Yet not too Christian. I could here inscribe
+  A tale of feats performed with pious hands
+  On those who crossed their path in Christian lands
+  Which, even where Armenia kissed his rod,
+  Would put to shame The Very Shadow of God.
+  You must not therefore feel a pained surprise
+  At having Christian dogs for your allies;
+  For there are dogs _and_ dogs; and, though the base
+  Bull terrier irks you, 'tis a different case
+  When gentle dachshunds jump to your embrace.
+
+    If crudely you remark: "A holy win
+  May suit our friends, but where do we come in?"
+  My answer is: "Apart from any boom
+  Islam secures by sealing England's doom,
+  We shall, if we survive the coming clash,
+  Collect papyrus notes in lieu of cash;
+  And, if we perish, as we may indeed,
+  We have a goodly future guaranteed,
+  With houris waiting in Valhalla's pile"
+  (Pardon my pseudo-Oriental style).
+
+  These are the joys, of which I give the gist,
+  Secured to those who trust the KAISER's fist,
+  Which to the infidel is hard as nails
+  Or eagles' claws whereat the coney quails,
+  But to the Faithful, such as you, Senussis,
+  Is softer than the velvet paws of pussies.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a story in _The Glasgow Herald_:--
+
+    "'He had his feathers ruffled that time, anyway,' laughed my
+    husband, as he followed me whistling into the house."
+
+It isn't every woman that has a husband who can talk and laugh and
+whistle all at once. Was he the clever man in the French tale, we
+wonder, who chanted a Scottish air, accompanying himself on the
+bag-pipes?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Fire has broken out in an oven in Kafr Zarb, near Suez,
+    completely destroying the fire brigade extinguishing the blaze."
+
+    _Egyptian Mail._
+
+Serve them right for their officiousness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Experienced Ruler (female); permanency."
+
+    _Bristol Times and Mirror._
+
+Might suit a widow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NAUTICAL TERMS FOR ALL.
+
+(_By our Tame Naval Expert._)
+
+It is really surprising what confusion exists in the public mind upon
+the exact significance of such elementary terms as "Command of the Sea,"
+and "A Fleet in Being." Only yesterday evening I was asked by a
+fellow-traveller on the top of a bus why, if we had command of the sea,
+we didn't blow up the Kiel Canal!
+
+It will be as well to begin at the beginning. What is Naval Warfare? It
+is an endeavour by sea-going belligerent units, impregnated (for the
+time being) with a measure of _animus pugnandi_ and furnished with
+offensive weapons, to impose their will upon one another. In rather more
+technical language it may be described as fighting in ships.
+
+Now in order to utilize the sea for one's own purposes and at the same
+time to deny, proscribe, refuse and restrict it to one's enemy it is
+essential to obtain COMMAND. And it must not be overlooked that Command
+of the Sea can only be established in one way--by utilizing or
+threatening to utilize sea-going belligerent units. But we must
+distinguish between Command of the Sea and Sea Supremacy, and again
+between Potential Command, Putative Command and Absolute Command.
+Finally let there be no confusion between the expressions "Command of
+the Sea" and "Control of the Sea," which are entirely different
+things--though both rest securely upon the doctrine of the Fleet in
+Being, which is at the foundation of all true strategy.
+
+This brings us to the question of what is meant by the phrase "A Fleet
+in Being." "To Be or Not to Be" (in Being) is a phrase that has been
+woefully misinterpreted, especially by those who insist on a distinction
+between Being and Doing. There is no such distinction at sea. For a
+fleet to exist as a recognisable instrument is not necessarily for it to
+be in Being. Only by exhibiting a desire to dispute Command at all costs
+can a fleet be said to come into Being. On the other hand, by being in
+Being a fleet does not necessarily obtain command or even partial
+control. This is not simply a question of To Be or Not to Be (in Being).
+
+In explaining these academic principles one always runs the risk of
+being confronted with concrete instances. I shall be asked, "Is the
+German Fleet in Being?" I can only reply that it is in a condition of
+strictly Limited Control (I refer to the Kiel Canal), while the Baltic
+is in Disputed Command so long as the Russian Fleet is Strategically at
+Large.
+
+This brings us to the question of the phrase "Strategically at Large,"
+which has been loosely rendered "On the War-path." Let us say rather
+that any fleet (in Being) which is ready (even without Putative Control)
+to dispute Command is said to be Strategically at Large, so long as it
+is imbued with _animus pugnandi_.
+
+_Animus pugnandi_ is the root of the matter. A fleet is in a state of
+disintegration without it. And so long as the German Fleet's activities
+in the North Sea are confined to peeping out of the Canal to see if the
+foe is in the neighbourhood one must conclude that this ingredient has
+been overlooked in its composition.
+
+BIS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GENERAL UTILITY.
+
+    "Invalided soldier seeks job; domestic and lity. factotum in
+    bachelor menage, or musician, lyrist, dramatist, etc.; house
+    work mornings, lit. asst. afternoons, evenings; ex-officer's
+    servant; fair cook; turned 60, but virile and active; or working
+    librarian, cleaning, etc.; theatrical experience; nominal salary
+    if permanent."
+
+    _Daily Express._
+
+If he hadn't called himself a soldier we should have almost thought he
+was a handy-man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRO PATRIA.
+
+[Illustration: A TRIBUTE TO WOMAN'S WORK IN WAR-TIME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "And where is Jane?"
+
+_Parlourmaid._ "If you please, Ma'am, Jane says she can't come to family
+prayers any more while we have margarine in the kitchen."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROMANCE OF WAR.
+
+We relieved the Royal What-you-call-'ems under depressing circumstances.
+The front line was getting it in the neck, which is unfair after dark.
+
+As I reached the transport dump a platoon met me led by a Subaltern of
+no mean dimensions. He was conversing with certain ones, seemingly
+officer's servants, who were drawing a hand-cart. He grew suddenly
+excited, then spoke to a Senior Officer, turned, left his platoon and
+ran back at the double to the fire-trench.
+
+It was three-quarters of an hour before we drew near that unpleasant
+bourne. In the imitation communication trench, which began a hundred or
+more yards behind it, we met the Subaltern, hurrying to rejoin his
+platoon, bearing what seemed to be an enormous despatch-box. He said
+"Good night" very politely.
+
+By the time we got up the shelling had slackened. The last remaining
+officer of the Royal What-you-call-'ems stopped to pass the time o'
+night with us.
+
+I asked him if he knew who the Subaltern might be, and what object of
+overwhelming importance he had thus returned to retrieve.
+
+"Yes, that was Billy Blank."
+
+"And what was it he was carrying when we met him?"
+
+"A sort of young Saratoga?"
+
+We nodded. Our informant seemed to hesitate a moment.
+
+"Well," he said at last, "I don't see why you shouldn't know, though
+it's a sort of battalion secret--not that Billy would mind anyone
+knowing. It's his love-letters."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VICARIOUS PROPHYLACTICS.
+
+"How you may dodge the horrible 'Grippe.'"
+
+    "Give your children a cold shower every morning."--_Ottawa
+    Evening Journal._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At the time when Turnbull was asking for the account, and
+    flourishing suggestions as to his ability to pay, there was in
+    the prisoner's bank the sum of sixteen pence."
+
+    _Newcastle Evening Chronicle._
+
+We have reason to believe that there was also an odd shilling or two in
+the bank belonging to other clients.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of "Calls to the Bar in Ireland":--
+
+    "Mr. ---- was awarded the Society's Exhibition of £21 per annum
+    for three roars."
+
+    _Irish Evening Paper._
+
+He seems to have called himself to the Bar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY LINES.
+
+  O semblance of a snail grown paralytic,
+    Concerning whom your victims daily speak
+  In florid language, fearsome and mephitic,
+    Enough to redden any trooper's cheek:
+  Let them, I say, hold forth till all is blue;
+      I take the longer view.
+
+  Not mine it is to curse you for your tedium
+    And frequent stops in search of wayside rest,
+  Nor call you, through the morning papers' medium,
+    A crying scandal and a public pest;
+  I designate you, on the other hand,
+      A bulwark of the land.
+
+  For should the Huns, in final desperation,
+    On our South-Eastern shore dash madly down,
+  'Tis true they might entrain at Dover station,
+    But when, ah, when would they arrive in town?
+  Or would they perish, hungry, lost, and spent,
+      Somewhere in wildest Kent?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY LIFE.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to Mr. G. R. Sims._)
+
+Being a few Foretastes of the Great Feast to follow.
+
+Peering backward into the gulf of time as I sit in my grandfather's
+chair and listen to the tick of my grandfather's clock I see a smaller
+but more picturesque London, in which I shot snipe in Battersea Fields,
+and the hoot of the owl in the Green Park was not yet drowned by the
+hoot of the motor-car--a London of chop-houses, peg-top trousers and
+Dundreary whiskers....
+
+I remember the Derby of Caractacus and the Oaks of Boadicea. Once more I
+see "Eclipse first and the rest nowhere." I remember "OLD Q." and OLD
+PARR, ARNOLD of Rugby and KEATE of Eton, CHARLES LAMB and General WOLFE,
+CHARLES JAMES FOX and MRS. LEO HUNTER; the poets BURNS and TENNYSON, the
+latter of whom gave me my name of "Dagonet."
+
+I think back to a London of trim-built wherries and nankeen pantaloons,
+when _The Times_ cost as much as a dozen oysters, which everyone then
+ate. I remember backing myself in my humorous way to eat sixty "seconds"
+in a minute and winning the bet.
+
+I look back to the time when BETTY, the infant ROSCIUS, and GRIMALDI,
+and NELL GWYNN and COLLEY CIBBER and ROBSON and FECHTER and PEG
+WOFFINGTON were the chief luminaries of the histrionic firmament. I
+remember the _débuts_ of CATALANI and MALIBRAN and PICCOLOMINI and
+Broccolini and Giulio Perkins.
+
+I remember the opening of the Great Exhibition of 1851, the erection of
+DRAYTON'S "Polyolbion," the removal of the Wembley Tower, and the fight
+between BELCHER and the gas-man.
+
+I often think of the battles of Waterloo and Blenheim and Culloden and
+Preston Pans and Cannæ. I often think of next Sunday with a shudder.
+
+I see COUNT D'ORSAY careering along Kensington Gore in his curricle;
+Lord MACAULAY sauntering homeward to Campden Hill, and Lord GEORGE
+SANGER driving home to East Finchley behind two spanking elephants.
+
+I see Jerusalem and Madagascar and North and South Amerikee...
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was on the eve of the anniversary of the battle of Cressy that I
+first drew breath on August 25th, "somewhere" in the Roaring Forties.
+The date was well chosen, for my maternal great-great-grandfather had
+amassed a considerable fortune by the manufacture of mustard, and the
+happy collocation was destined to bear conspicuous fruit in after years.
+
+Good old HERODOTUS, my favourite reading in my school-days, tells us how
+old-world potentate, in order to discover which was the most ancient
+language in the world, had two children brought up in strict seclusion
+by dumb nurses, with the result that the first word they uttered was
+"Beck," the Phrygian for bread. Strange to say this was not my first
+linguistic effort, which was, as a matter of fact, the Romany word
+"bop."
+
+Although I shall probably write my autobiography again a few details
+about my ancestry are pardonable at this juncture.
+
+My great-great-great-great-grandfather was a robust Devon yeoman who
+fought with DRAKE in the Spanish main, but subsequently married the
+daughter of a Spanish Admiral, made captain at the time of the Armada,
+Count Guzman Intimidad Larranaga. The daughter, Pomposa Seguidilla, came
+to England to share her father's imprisonment, and my ancestor fell in
+love with her and married her. She was a vivacious brunette with nobly
+chiselled features and fine Castilian manners. Their son Alonzo married
+Mary Lyte of Paddington, so that I trace my descent to the Lytes of
+London as well as to the grandees of Spain.... Incredibly also I was one
+of the Hopes of England.
+
+And now, when London has no light any more, I take pen in hand to
+retrace the steps of my wonderful journey through the ages. Ah me! _Eheu
+fugaces!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among my early reading nothing made so much impression on me as _Mrs.
+Glasse's Cookery Book_, and I still remember the roars of laughter that
+went up when I read out a famous sentence in my childish way: "First
+tatch your hair." Those words have stuck to me through life and have had
+a deep influence on my career. Strange how little we know at the time
+which are our vital moments.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I remember standing, when still only of tender years, listening to Bow
+bells and vowing that, if I grew up, I would so reflect my life in my
+writings that no experience however trifling should be without its
+recording paragraph. I would tell all. And I am proud to say I have kept
+that vow. I have not even concealed from my readers the names of the
+hotels I have stayed in, and if I have liked the watering-places I have
+resisted every temptation not to say so. Odd how childish aspirations
+can be fulfilled!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy._ "Hold hard, young feller. You shouldn't butt in
+like that--plenty of room behind."
+
+_His Girl._ "Leave him alone, Harry. He thinks it's a recruiting
+office."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Young Country Girl, 18, wishes a situation as Housemaid or
+    Betweenmaid; never out before; wages not objected to."
+
+    _Irish Times._
+
+Very nice of her to be so accommodating.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Col. J. W. Wray and Mrs. Wray entertained the recruiting staff,
+    numbering £21, to tea at Brett's Hall, Guildford, on Thursday."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+Sterling fellows, evidently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Us have had a letter from our Jarge. He've killed three
+Germans!"
+
+"I bain't zurprised! Lor'! How that boy did love a bit o' rattin', or
+anything to do with vermin!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FLYING MAN.
+
+  When the still silvery dawn uprolls
+    And all the world is "standing to;"
+  When young lieutenants damn our souls
+    Because they're feeling cold and blue--
+
+  The bacon's trodden in the slush,
+    The baccy's wet, the stove's gone wrong--
+  Then, purring on the morning's hush,
+    We hear his cheerful little song.
+
+  The shafts of sunrise strike his wings,
+    Tinting them like a dragon-fly;
+  He bows to the ghost-moon and swings,
+    Flame-coloured, up the rosy sky.
+
+  He climbs, he darts, he jibes, he luffs;
+    Like a great bee he drones aloud;
+  He whirls above the shrapnel puffs,
+    And, laughing, ducks behind a cloud.
+
+  He rides aloof on god-like wings,
+    Taking no thought of wire or mud,
+  Saps, smells or bugs--the mundane things
+    That sour our lives and have our blood.
+
+  Beneath his sky-patrolling car
+    Toy guns their mimic thunders clap;
+  Like crawling ants whole armies are
+    That strive across a coloured map.
+
+  The roads we trudged with feet of lead
+    The shadows of his pinions skim;
+  The river where we piled our dead
+    Is but a silver thread to him.
+
+  "God of the eagle-winged machine,
+    What see you where aloft you roam?"
+  "Eastward, _Die Schlossen von Berlin_,
+    And West, the good white cliffs of home!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC CANDOUR.
+
+Heading to the Stop-Press column of a Provincial Paper:--
+
+"LATEST RAW NEWS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Motorcycle. Give £25 (maximum) and exquisite diamond ring
+    (engagement broken off)."--_Motor Cycling_.
+
+No sidecar required.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Maeterlinck, the great Austrian statesman, looked with
+    suspicion on all kinds of suggestions of reform or agitation."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+So unlike METTERNICH, the famous Belgian bee-farmer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young Baby--Wanted, homely woman to take charge of duration of
+    war."
+
+    _Wood Green Sentinel._
+
+If she will only finish it satisfactorily--the War, we mean, not the
+baby--we don't mind how homely she is.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Under the heading of "Horses, Harness, &c.":--
+
+    "Offer, cheap--Horse Chestnuts, 6 to 8 feet; Scotch, 2 to 3
+    feet; Spruce, about 2 feet; also Privet, Lilacs, Laurels, etc."
+
+    _Irish Times._
+
+We are quite glad to see this old joke in harness again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Tourists are permitted to carry cameras and use them as long as
+    they do not attempt to take fortresses."
+
+    _Russian Year Book._
+
+These 4.7 cameras are deadly things for siege work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Quite the tit-bit of the evening was the little interlude in
+    the duet from 'Faust' taken by Mr. H---- as Faust and Mr. B----
+    P---- as Mephistopheles. 'His Satanic Majesty' sings--
+
+      "'What is your will? At once tell me.
+      Are you afraid?'"
+
+    _Accrington Observer._
+
+Is this "My dear Tino" under another name?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BATTLE OF JOBEY.
+
+January, 1916, will ever be remembered as the eventful month in which
+the oldest men in England turned aside from all their other pursuits and
+disregarded the state of Europe in order to take part in the Battle of
+Jobey. Their battle-ground was the columns of _The Times_, and no one
+was too proud or venerable to fight. Peers, bishops, deans, statesmen,
+baronets, knights--all rushed in, and still no one quite knows the
+result. How many Jobeys were there? we still ask ourselves. Did anyone
+really know the first Jobey, or was there only an ancestral Jobey back
+in the days of EDWARD VI.? How old was the dynasty? Was Jobey Levi? Was
+Jobey Powell? Was Jobey short and fat? Was Jobey tall and thin? What did
+Jobey sell? What did Jobey do?
+
+To begin with, what was the _casus belli_? No one can remember. But some
+old Etonian, reminiscing, had the effrontery to believe that the Jobey
+to whom, in his anecdotage, he referred, who sold oranges at the gate or
+blew up footballs or performed other jobicular functions, was the only
+Jobey. That was enough. Instantly in poured other infuriated old
+Etonians, also in anecdotage, to pit their memories against his.
+Everything was forgotten in the struggle: the KAISER'S illness, Sir IAN
+HAMILTON'S despatch, the Compulsion Bill, the Quakers and their
+consciences, the deficiencies of the Blockade. Nothing existed but
+Jobey.
+
+All the letters, however, were not printed, and some of those that
+escaped _The Times_ have fallen into our own hand. We give one or two:--
+
+    Sir,--Your Correspondents are wrong. Jobey was a fat red man,
+    with a purple nose and a wooden leg.
+
+    I am, Yours faithfully, NESTOR.
+
+
+    Sir,--My recollection of Jobey is exact. He was a fat man with a
+    hook instead of a left hand, and he stood at least six feet six
+    inches high. No one could mistake him.
+
+    I am, Obediently yours,
+
+    METHUSELAH PARR.
+
+
+    Sir,--JOWETT, though not an Etonian himself, was greatly
+    interested in anecdotes of Jobey related to him by Etonian
+    undergraduates in the "sixties," and on one occasion, when he
+    was the guest of the Headmaster, he was introduced to the famous
+    factotum, who instructed him in the art of blowing up footballs,
+    and presented him with a blood orange, which JOWETT religiously
+    preserved for many years in a glass-case in his study. In
+    features they were curiously alike, but Jobey's nose was larger
+    and far redder than that of the Master's. I have given a fuller
+    account of the interview in my _Balliol Memories_, Vol. iii.,
+    pp. 292-5, but may content myself with saying here that the two
+    eminent men parted with mutual respect.
+
+    I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,
+
+    LEMUEL LONGMIRE.
+
+
+    Sir,--I wish to point out that "My Tutor's" is hopelessly wrong
+    in thinking that his Jobey is the real Jobey. Looking through my
+    diary for June, 1815, I find this entry:--
+
+    "News of Waterloo just received. Jobey, who has charge of all
+    the cricket implements and is generally the custodian of the
+    playing fields, monstrously drunk, on the ground of having won
+    the battle."
+
+    This conclusively proves that there was a Jobey before the old
+    fellow who has just died aged 85. But how anyone can be
+    interested in people aged only 85, I cannot conceive. My own age
+    is 118, and I am still in possession of an exact memory and a
+    deadly diary.
+
+    I remain, Sir, Yours truly,
+
+    JOHN BARCHESTER.
+
+
+    Sir,--Although in my hundred-and-fiftieth year I can still
+    recollect my school days with crystal clearness, and it pains me
+    to find a lot of young Etonians claiming to have had dealings
+    with the original Jobey. The original Jobey died in 1827, and I
+    was at his funeral. He was then a middle-aged man of 93. When I
+    was at Eton in 1776-1783, he stood with his basket opposite
+    "Grim's," and if any of us refused to buy he gave us a black
+    eye. Discipline was lax in those days, but we were all the
+    better for it. On Jobey's death a line of impostors no doubt was
+    established, trying to profit by the great name; but none of
+    these can be called the original Jobey, except under
+    circumstances of the crassest ignorance or folly.
+
+    I am, Yours, etc., SENEX.
+
+
+    Sir,--It is tolerably obvious that your correspondent "Drury's"
+    is suffering from hallucinations of the most virulent type.
+    _Maxima debetur pueris reverentia_ is all very well, but facts
+    are facts. There may have been many pseudo-Jobeys, but the real
+    original was born in the year of the Great Fire of London and
+    died in 1745. He was already installed in the reign of WILLIAM
+    III., and was the first to introduce Blenheim oranges to the
+    Etonian palate. He was an under-sized man, about five feet five
+    inches high, with a pale face and hooked nose and always wore a
+    woollen muffler, which we called "Jobey's comforter." To
+    represent him as belonging to the Victorian age is an
+    anachronism calculated to make the angels weep.
+
+    I am, Sir, Yours everlastingly,
+
+    MELCHISEDEK PONTOPPIDAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOTHER TO AN EMPEROR.
+
+    I made him mine in pain and fright,
+      The only little lad I'd got,
+    And woke up aching night by night
+      To mind him in his baby cot;
+    And, whiles, I jigged him on my knee
+      And sang the way a mother sings,
+    Seeing him wondering up at me
+      Sewing his little things,
+  And never gave a thought to wars and kings.
+
+    I heard his prayers or smacked him good,
+      And watched him learning miles ahead
+    Of all his mother ever could,
+      Roughing my hands to set him bread;
+    And when he was a man I tried
+      Not to forget as he was grown,
+    And didn't keep him close beside
+     All for my very own--
+  And meanwhiles you was brooding on your throne.
+
+    And now--He wouldn't wait no more,
+      I've helped him go, I couldn't choose;
+    My one's another in the score
+      Of all you've grabbed; seems like I lose.
+    But don't you think you've done so well
+      Taking my lad that's got but one;
+    He'll fight for me, he'll fight like hell,
+      And, when you're down and done,
+  You'll curse the day you stole my only son.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+From a shoemaker's advertisement:--
+
+    "8 years' wear! 12 hours' ease."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMFORTING THE FOE.
+
+    "Books and Magazines may be handed in at the counter of any Post
+    Office, unwrapped, unlabelled, and hunaddressed."
+
+    _Parish Magazine._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To be LET, FURNISHED, cosily FURNISHED COUNTRY HOUSE, offering
+    rest, recuperation, recreation, and the acme of comfort; 10
+    bedrooms, 2 bath, 4 reception; stabling, garage, billiards,
+    tennis, croquet, miniature rifle range, small golf course,
+    fringed pool, gardens, walks, telephone, radiators, gas; near
+    town and rail; rent £3 3s. weekly, including gardener's
+    wages."--_The Devon and Exeter Gazette._
+
+With a lodge, a deer park, and a "revenue of populars," this would be a
+bargain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN INFANT IN ARMS.
+
+[Illustration: On guard.
+
+The family.
+
+The family--_continued_.
+
+The Colonel!
+
+Present--arms!
+
+The danger past.
+
+Order--arms!
+
+Stand at--ease!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO TALK TO THE WOUNDED.
+
+[Illustration: _Dear Old Lady._ "Have you two men been at the Front?"
+
+_Soldier._ "Bless you, no, Mum. We've just 'ad a bit of a scrap
+together, to keep fit."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GRAND TOUR.
+
+  I always wished to see the world--I 'ad no chanst before,
+  Nor I don't suppose I should 'ave if there 'adn't been no war;
+  I used to read the tourist books, the shippin' news also,
+  An' I 'ad the chance o' goin', so I couldn't 'elp but go.
+
+  We 'ad a spell in Egypt first, before we moved along
+  Acrost the way to Suvla, where we got it 'ot an' strong;
+  We 'ad no drink when we was dry, no rest when we was tired,
+  But I've seen the Perramids an' Spink, which I 'ad oft desired.
+
+  I've what'll last me all my life to talk about an' think;
+  I've sampled various things to eat an' various more to drink;
+  I've strolled among them dark bazaars, which makes the pay to fly
+  (An' I 'ad my fortune told as well, but that was all my eye).
+
+  I've seen them little islands too--I couldn't say their names--
+  An' towns as white as washin'-day an' mountains spoutin' flames;
+  I've seen the sun come lonely up on miles an' miles o' sea:
+  Why, folks 'ave paid a 'undred pound an' seen no more than me.
+
+  The sky is some'ow bluer there--in fact, I never knew
+  As any sun could be so 'ot or any sky so blue;
+  There's figs an' dates an' suchlike things all 'angin' on the trees,
+  An' black folks walkin' up an' down as natural as you please.
+
+  I always wished to see the world, I'm fond o' life an' change,
+  But ABDUL got me in the leg; an' this is passin' strange,
+  That when you see Old England's shore all wrapped in mist an' rain,
+  Why, it's worth the bloomin' bundle to be comin' 'ome again!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FAIR EXCHANGE.
+
+From _The Gazette of India_:---
+
+    "Delhi, the 16th December, 1915.--No. 100-C. With reference to
+    Notification No. 2529, dated the 21st October 1915, Mr. H. W.
+    Emerson, Indian Civil Service, is appointed Under Secretary to
+    the Government of India, Department of Revenue and Agriculture,
+    s. _p. t._ with effect from the forenoon of the 29th November
+    1915 and until further orders.--F. NOYCE, Offc. Secretary to the
+    Government of India."
+
+    "Simla, the 16th December 1915.--No. 2842. With reference to
+    Notification No. 2417, dated the 19th October 1915, Mr. F.
+    Noyce, Indian Civil Service, is appointed Secretary to the
+    Government of India, Department of Revenue and Agriculture, s.
+    _p. t._, with effect from the forenoon of the 29th November 1915
+    and until further orders.--H. W. EMERSON, Under Secretary to the
+    Government of India."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Jamaica has removed the embargo on the exportation of logwood
+    to British possessions and also to America and ports in France
+    and Italy."--_The Times._
+
+A mixed blessing. There's too much logwood in some ports as it is.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From _A Little Guide to Essex_:--
+
+  "Steeple Bumpstead (see Bumpstead, Steeple).
+  Bumpstead, Steeple (see Steeple Bumpstead)....
+  Bumpstead, Helions (see Helions Bumpstead).
+  Helions Bumpstead (see Bumpstead, Helions)."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE MAN THAT BROKE THE BACK OF MONTENEGRO."
+
+[Illustration: FRANZ-JOSEF, THE MAMMOTH COMEDIAN, IN HIS STUPENDOUS (AND
+UNIQUE) SUCCESS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, January 17th._--To-day's sitting included
+episode justly described by REDMOND as miraculous in relations between
+Ireland and her sisters in the family of the Empire. In Committee on
+Military Service Bill question promptly raised on exclusion of Ireland.
+Amendment moved by Unionist Member for Belfast to make Bill operative in
+the three Kingdoms.
+
+Significant note struck at outset by PRIME MINISTER. Overwhelmed with
+work, unable to take personal charge of Bill in Committee, he deputed
+task, not to Home Rule IRISH SECRETARY, to whom it officially belonged,
+but to the Unionist COLONIAL SECRETARY.
+
+In delicate position, BONAR LAW acquitted himself with excellent taste,
+unerring tact. He did not disguise fact that as a Unionist his
+sympathies were with the Amendment. But he insisted that more would be
+lost than gained by trying to enforce Military Service on country
+divided upon the question.
+
+"To anyone who knows the history of Ireland," he said, "who knows the
+history in our own lifetime, and the part which has been played by
+Nationalist Members in this House and Nationalist Members in Ireland--to
+anyone who recalls the state of this country during the whole of the
+Napoleonic Wars, when Ireland was a constant source of danger to Great
+Britain, it is not a small thing, it is a very great thing, that for the
+first time in our history the official representatives of the
+Nationalist Party are openly and avowedly on the side of Great Britain."
+
+CARSON patriotically responded to this harmonious call, rare in
+discussing Ireland across floor of the House. Regretfully but
+uncompromisingly advised withdrawal of Amendment moved by Ulster Member.
+
+JOHN REDMOND, in speech pathetic in its plea, besought the House to
+refrain from effort to drive Ireland. The part her people have taken in
+the War side by side with British comrades was splendid.
+
+"I am," he said, "as proud of the Ulster Regiments as I am of the
+Nationalist Regiments. If five years ago any one had predicted that in a
+great war in which the Empire was engaged 95,000 recruits would have
+been raised from Ireland and that there would be 151,143 Irishmen with
+the colours, would he not have been looked upon as a lunatic?"
+
+One note of discord came from little group below Gangway on Liberal
+side. Unable to withstand temptation to obtain mean little triumph, they
+refused to permit withdrawal of Amendment, as suggested by BONAR LAW and
+accepted by CARSON, and it was perforce negatived.
+
+ALL FOR IRELAND--A WAR-TIME HARMONY.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Bonar Law, Mr. Redmond, Sir Edward Carson.]
+
+_Business done._--Military Service Bill in Committee.
+
+_Wednesday_, 2.10 A.M.--House adjourned after ten hours' wrestling with
+Military Service Bill.
+
+Once upon a time, not so far back, there was an Irish Member who, on his
+triumphant return to Westminster, took the oath and his seat at 4
+o'clock in the afternoon, delivered his maiden speech at 6.50, and on
+the stroke of midnight was suspended for disorderly conduct.
+
+That a record difficult to beat. The Member for Australia (London
+address, St. George's, Hanover Square) with characteristic modesty
+diffidently approached it. Taking his seat last Wednesday, he to-day
+delivered his maiden speech. It was risky in face of the sound axiom,
+adapted from nursery discipline, that new Members should (for a
+reasonable period) be seen, not heard. As a breaker of unwritten law Sir
+GEORGE has extenuation of success. This due to intrinsic merits of
+speech. Foremost of these was brevity. Furthermore, it was in the best
+sense a contribution to debate, arising directly out of question sprung
+upon Committee. No asphyxiating smell of the lamp about it. Sound in
+argument, felicitous in phrase.
+
+IVOR HERBERT had moved amendment to Military Service Bill, bring within
+its purview all unmarried men as they attain the age of eighteen years.
+The Bill calls to the colours only those who on 15th August last had
+reached that age.
+
+"When the flames of destruction are approaching the fabric of our
+liberties," said Sir George REID by way of peroration, "let us save our
+house first and discuss our domestic rearrangements afterwards."
+
+The new Member rose in nearly empty House. Members already aweary of
+ineffectual talk round foregone conclusion. News that he was on his feet
+signalled throughout the precincts, Members hurried in to hear. Amongst
+them came the PRIME MINISTER. Amendment withdrawn.
+
+_Business done._--Committee sat far into foggy night, driving Military
+Service Bill through Committee against obstruction on the part of at
+most a score of Members.
+
+_Thursday._--Both sides unite in welcoming JACK PEASE back to
+Ministerial Position. (_Mem._--Commonly called Jack because he was
+christened Joseph Albert). After filling in succession offices of Chief
+Whip of Liberal Party, Chancellor of Duchy and Minister for Education,
+in each gaining general approval and personal popularity, he was one of
+the sacrificial lambs cut off by reconstruction of Ministry on Coalition
+principles.
+
+Took what must have been bitter disappointment with dignified reserve.
+
+Having made the personal statement common to retiring Ministers, he did
+not seat himself on the Front Opposition Bench on the look-out for
+opportunity to "hesitate dislike" of policy and action of former
+colleagues. Seeking for chance to do his bit in connection with the War,
+at request of Army Council he undertook unpaid post of Civil Member on
+Claims Commission in France. Comes back to Treasury Bench as
+Postmaster-General, in succession to the INFANT SAMUEL, who, in
+accordance with the tradition of early childhood, has, since first
+promoted to Ministerial office, been "called" several times to others.
+
+SARK, always considerate of convenience of public, thinks it may be well
+to state that it will be no use anyone looking in at Post Office and
+crying, "Pease! Pease!" Not because there is no Pease, but because there
+are two--JACK, the Postmaster-General, and his cousin PIKE PEASE,
+formerly a Unionist Whip, who has for some months served as Assistant
+Postmaster-General.
+
+_Business done._--In Committee on Military Service Bill.
+
+_Thursday_.--Fourth night of debate in Committee on Military Service
+Bill. Concluded a business that might have been as fully accomplished at
+one sitting. Save for a few immaterial amendments; of the verbal kind,
+Bill stands as it did when introduced. Scene closed with exchange of
+compliments between BONAR LAW and little band who have succeeded in
+keeping talk going. He expressed satisfaction, "or perhaps something
+rather stronger" (this a little dubious), at the way in which opposition
+had been conducted. They protested it was all due to his conciliatory
+manner.
+
+And so home to bed as early as eleven o'clock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Inquisitive Party._ "Ye'll likely be gaun tae Elie?"
+_N.C.O._ "No!"
+
+_Inquisitive Party._ "Than ye'll be gaun tae Pittenweem?" _N.C.O._
+"No!!"
+
+_Inquisitive Party._ "Then ye'll shair tae be gaun tae Crail?" _N.C.O._
+"No!!!"
+
+_Inquisitive Party_. "Dae ye think a care a dom whaur ye're gaun?']
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DELHI-ON-SEA.
+
+    "Delhi, Monday,--The P. and O. Steamer Arabia, with the outward
+    mail of the 22nd, arrived here at 1-30 p.m. to-day (Sunday)."
+
+    _The Beharee_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Commencing on December 1st the London banks will close at three
+    o'clock, except on Saturday at one o'clock, with a view to
+    assisting recruiting by realising a number of clerks."
+
+    _Bay of Plenty Times._
+
+Financially and otherwise the bank-clerk is one of our best securities.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PLUS ÇA CHANGE, PLUS C'EST LA MÊME CHOSE.
+
+  Before the War Miss Betty Pink
+  Was just an ordinary mink;
+  Her skirt was short, her eye was glad,
+  Her hats would almost drive you mad,
+      She was, in fact, to many a boy
+            A source of perturbation;
+  At household duties she would scoff,
+  She lived for tennis, bridge and golf,
+  She motored, hunted, smoked and biked,
+  Did just exactly what she liked,
+      And took a quite delirious joy
+            In casual flirtation.
+
+  But when the War arrived, you see,
+  She flew at once to V.A.D.,
+  Belgians, Red Cross, and making mitts,
+  And (profitably) sold her Spitz,
+      And studied mild economy
+            In things she wasn't wrapt in;
+  One game alone of all her games
+  She stuck to. Which is why her name's
+  No longer Pink. I laughed almost,
+  On reading in _The Morning Post_,
+      That Betty, "very quietly,"
+            Had wed a tempy Captain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _M.C._ (_introducing bluejacket who fancies himself as a
+basso_). "Mr. 'Icks will now oblige with several blasts on 'is fog-'orn,
+entitled, 'O Ruddier than the Cherry.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ERIN-GO-BRAGH.
+
+"Saft marnin', Mrs. Ryan--ye're out early this marnin'."
+
+"Ye say right, Mrs. Flanagan, I am that. Me son wint back to the Front
+last night, and Himself was out seein' him off at the staymer, all
+through the pourin' rain, the way he's not able to shtir hand or fut. I
+was just down to Gallagher's gettin' him some medicine."
+
+"Ah, now! 'tis too bad that Himself is sick. Will I help yez with the
+bottles, Mrs. Ryan?"
+
+"Thank yez, Ma'am, it's too kind ye are."
+
+"And ye tell me y'r son is away agin, and him only just back! 'Tis a
+tarrible warr, an' there's a powerful lot av fine young fellows that'll
+be missing when they come back to Dublin agin."
+
+"Ah! ye may well say that, Mrs. Flanagan. There's more than a million
+gone out of this disthrict alone, and there's Irishmen fightin' in all
+the himispheres of th' worrld. They tell me that the Irish bees in such
+numbers that the inimy got fair desprit an' rethreated into Siberia to
+get away from thim, till they met more av us comin' along from th' other
+ind of the worrld."
+
+"Glory be! But isn't that wandherful?"
+
+"Ay, 'twas the Tinth Division, so it was, the brave boys comin' back
+afther fightin' the Turks, bad luck to them f'r haythens! F'r didn't
+Lord KITCHENER himself go out to see thim at the Dardnells, and ses he,
+'What's the use of wastin' brave throops here? We'll lave the English to
+clane up the threnches,' and on that they packs the Irish off and
+marches thim thousands of miles intil Siberia. Ah! 'twas the dhrop thim
+Germins got when they came shtrugglin' along wan day and run up aginst
+the ould Tinth agin. There was tarrible slaughter that day, and the
+inimy bruk in great disorther, and is now trying to escape down the
+Sewers into the Canal."
+
+"Well now, Mrs. Ryan, that's grand news ye do be tellin'. 'Tis fair
+wandherful how well up in it y' are. But will ye tell me now what would
+the English be doin' all this time? Surely ye don't mane to say that the
+whole av th' Army bees Irish?"
+
+"Not at all, Mrs. Flanagan, not at all. But the _fightin'_ rigimints is
+mostly Irish. Ye see, th' Army has to be fed, and the threnches has to
+be claned and drained, and so on, and the English does the cookin' and
+clanin' for the Irish. But anny fightin' that's done is done bo th'
+Irish rigimints, as is well known to be the best fighters in the
+worrld."
+
+"But will ye tell me now, what's this I hear about making the English go
+into the Army be description?"
+
+"Is ut _con_scription ye mane? Shure, 'tis like this. Furst of all there
+was inlistment be groups. Himself tould me all about it. Over there,
+there was no inlistin' as there was over here. Shure, in Dublin alone we
+have three recruitin' offices, to say nothin' of th' recruitin' thram.
+Ah! 'tis a fine sight to see the thram, Mrs. Flanagan, going up and down
+the sthreets o' Dublin, with the flags and the fine coloured posthers
+plasthered on ut, and divil a wan ever in ut, bekase why? there isn't a
+sowl lift in the city, and what is lift is bein' held back by the polis
+at the recruitin' office in Brunswick Sthreet. Well, as I was tellin'
+yez, in England there was no recruitin' like that. It got so that there
+was just wan recruitin' office left, as the other three had to be
+closed, bekase no wan came. Ye see, all the young men were down at the
+poorts, gettin' their tickets to Ameriky.
+
+"'This,' ses one of the English Lords--a felly be the name o'
+Derby--'this,' ses he, 'is tarrible. If the inimy hears o' this, all the
+Irish in the worrld and in Ameriky won't save us.'
+
+"So he gets out a scheme--he's a tarrible ould schemer is that
+wan--whereby, ye see, ivery man in England was to inlist to sarve when
+he was called up, and they were to be made up intil groups, an' the
+married men was to be put intil the lasht group. The advantage o' that
+was that it intimidated th' inimy, bekase a man looks more whin he is
+called a group. Thin the ould schemer arranged that these groups should
+get armlets, somethin' like a sling, so, whin a man was called up in a
+group, he could show the sling he was wearin' and he'd be put intil a
+later group. Ah! 'twas a grand scheme! Ye see, the limit of militry age
+bees now forthy-wan, and supposing there was a million men in ivery
+group (and I was tould there was more) that was forthy-wan million!"
+
+"Glory be to God, Mrs. Ryan, but that's a tarrible number!"
+
+"Ye say right, Mrs. Flanagan. But look you here, ivery time a group was
+called up and the men was put back intil a later group, it made more men
+for the later groups, until, ye see, whin they called up the lasht group
+there 'd be forthy-wan times as many men at the ind as at the beginnin'.
+That was the scheme for puttin' the fear o' God intil thim Germins."
+
+"Thin will ye tell me, Mrs. Ryan, why didn't they shtick till it?"
+
+"'Tis harrd to explain, Mrs. Flanagan, and here we are at me door. I'll
+take the porther bottles, thank ye kindly, Ma'am. Well, this was the way
+av it. When they shtarted the recruitin' av the groups they found that
+'twas too many officers they were afther gettin'. I heard there was half
+a million as had to be given their shtars! An' I needn't be afther
+tellin' ye, Mrs. Flanagan, that even with all the millions of Irish out
+there, there wouldn't be room for five hundred thousand officers to lead
+thim. Besides which every wan knows that the Irish don't want leadin'.
+'Tis thim shows the way whin it comes to a charrge. An' sure, as it is,
+all the Ginirals, exceptin' for an odd wan or two, bees Irish!"
+
+"Is that you, Biddy? Will yez come in out of that now?"
+
+"Och, that's Himself now. He must be betther! Good-day to yez, Mrs.
+Flanagan, and many thanks to ye."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+    "Peace Speakers pelted with Ochre.
+
+    The speakers on the platform had a curried
+    consultation."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One may say of Kitchener's Army (at any rate of the rank and
+    file I have acquaintance with here in Gaul) that it _est omnia
+    in duo partes divisa_ (with apologies to Cæsar)."
+
+    _Morning Paper._
+
+CÆSAR'S commentary on this would be worth reading.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRUTHFUL JAMES.
+
+The Staff of _The Muddleton Weekly Gazette_, having disguised himself as
+an ordinary citizen, entered the local hospital in quest of copy. His
+keen eye immediately singled out a man of solemn, careworn aspect, and
+to him he directed his footsteps. Two clear grey eyes looked into his,
+and his greeting was answered politely, though without enthusiasm. Then,
+exerting all the skill and adroitness which had marked him out for forty
+years as a coming man in the journalistic world, the visitor put the
+soldier gradually at his ease and tactfully induced him to recount his
+experiences.
+
+"I could tell you lots of things what would astonish you, Sir," began
+the convalescent. "Six months in the trenches gives you plenty of time
+to pick up tales--and invent them, too; but I don't hold with that. A
+little exaggeration helps things along, as old Wolff says, but when he
+goes beyond I'm not with him. No lies--not for Truthful James. That's
+me, Sir. They call me that in B Company; James being the name what my
+godfathers and godmothers give me, and Truthful being as you might say
+an identification mark."
+
+The other nodded and waited in silence.
+
+"Nothing much happened to me for the first three months, but then we was
+moved further South and a new Sub. joined us. Name of Williamson. Do you
+know him, Sir? Second-Lieutenant J. J. C. de V. Williamson was his full
+war paint. Ah, it's a pity you don't. Quite a kid he was, but he could
+tell you off as free and flowing as a blooming General, and never repeat
+himself for ten minutes. He stirred things up considerable--specially
+the enemy. Sniping was his game; two hours regular every morning, with a
+Sergeant to spot for him and a Corporal to bring him drinks at intervals
+of ten minutes to keep him cool. He kept count of the Huns he had outed
+by notches on the post of his dug-out. Every time he rang the bell he'd
+cut up a notch, and before he'd been with us a month you could have used
+that post as a four-foot saw.
+
+"Naturally the Huns were riled. You see, we was a salient and they was a
+salient, and there wasn't more than a hundred yards between us. We could
+hear them eating quite plainly, when they had anything to eat, and when
+they hadn't they smoked cigars which smelt worse than all the gas they
+ever squirted. One day the Sub. strolls up for his morning practice and
+sees a huge sign above the enemy trench: 'Don't shoot. We are Saxons.'
+They had relieved the Prussians and they was moving about above their
+trenches as free as a Band of Hope Saturday excursion.
+
+"'Until anyone proves the contrary,' says our Sub., 'I maintain that
+Saxons is Germans.' Moreover, says he, 'war is war,' and he had to cut
+up three more notches on his post afore he could make them understand
+that his attitude was hostile. When they did grasp it they began to
+strafe us, and they kep' it up hard all day. When night come our Sub.
+decided he'd had enough. 'Boys,' he says to us, 'one hour before the
+crimson sun shoots forth his flaming rays from out of the glowing East
+them Germans is going to be shifted from that trench. We ain't a-going
+to make a frontal attack,' he says, 'because some of us might have the
+misfortune to tear our tunics on the enemy entanglements, and housewives
+is scarce. We are going to crawl along that hollow on the flank and
+enfilade the blighters.'
+
+"So we puts a final polish on our bainets and waits. Bimeby we starts
+out, Sergeant leading the way. We wriggled through the mud like Wapping
+eels at low tide for the best part of an hour, and at last we got to
+their trench and halted to listen. There wasn't a sound to be heard;
+nobody snoring, nobody babbling of beer in his sleep; only absolute
+silence. Sergeant was lying next to me and I distinctly heard his heart
+miss several beats. Then all at once we leaps into the air, gives a yell
+fit to make any German wish he'd never been born, and falls into their
+trench, doing bainet drill like it would have done your heart good to
+see. But we stops it as quick as we begun, because there wasn't a single
+man in that trench. Not one, Sir.
+
+"After a awkward pause, 'The birds have flown,' says our Sub., sorrowful
+like, as if he'd asked some friends to dinner and the cat had eat the
+meat.
+
+"'I think, Sir,' says Sergeant, 'that they've abandoned this trench as
+being untenable, and probably left a few mines behind for us.' I didn't
+like that. I thought our trench was a much nicer trench in every way,
+and I felt it was time to think of going back, when suddenly we hears a
+norrible yell come up from our trench and sounds of blokes jumping
+about. Yes, Sir, the Germans had made an attack on our trench at the
+same time, only they had gone round by the other flank, where there was
+some trees to help them.
+
+"So there they was in our trench, and we in theirs, and dawn just
+beginning to break. There was only one thing to do. We went back, hoping
+they would wait for us; but they hopped it quick, same way as they come,
+and so we finished up just as we was when we started, except for mud.
+Our Sub. was wild with rage, and he hustled about all the morning
+looking for defaulters, his face as black as the Kayser's soul; and he
+even went so far as to curse a Machine Gun Section, which shows you
+better than words what he felt like. D Company, when they come to
+relieve us, wouldn't believe a word of it, not till I told them. They
+had to then, because they knew what my name was. James, Sir, and
+Truthful as a sort of appendix."
+
+"And there were others, of course, to corroborate your story?"
+
+"To what, Sir?"
+
+"To swear to the truth of it?"
+
+"Oh yes. They swore to it all right. Again and again. But that was
+nothing to what happened in the same trench when we come back from
+billets. It was like this here. Our Sub.... What's that you say, Bill?"
+He broke off. "Time for visitors to leave?"
+
+The Orderly explained that it was so, and, after a cordial leave-taking
+on the part of the visitor, saw him out and returned.
+
+"Do you know who that was, Jim?" he asked.
+
+"Soon as he started pumping me," replied James, "I offered myself a
+hundred quid to a bob on his being a noospaper man, but there was no
+taker at the price, bobs being scarce and me having a dead cert. Suppose
+I shall be in the local paper on Saturday, Bill?"
+
+"Yes. Thrilling Tales from the Trenches, number forty-three."
+
+"Pity he had to go so soon," sighed James. "I was only just beginning to
+get into my stride."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cheerful One_ (_to newcomer, on being asked what the
+trenches are like_). "If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps down
+yer gets drowned; if yer moves about yer get shelled; and if yer stands
+still yer gets court-martialled for frost-bite."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the current Directory of the London Telephone Service:--
+
+    "FOREIGN SERVICES (FRANCE, BELGIUM AND SWITZERLAND).
+
+    Communication may be obtained between London and Paris
+    (including the suburbs), Brussels, Antwerp, Basle, Geneva,
+    Lausanne, and certain provincial towns in France and Belgium.
+    Full particulars may be obtained on application to the
+    Controller."
+
+We are afraid these facilities, as far as Belgium is concerned, will
+shortly be withdrawn. The new Postmaster-General has heard that there is
+a war on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Winter Laying Strain pure bred White Leghorn Cockerels; record
+    layers: 5s."
+
+    _Bath & Wilts Chronicle._
+
+Smith minor's translation of _ab ovo usque ad mala_ is thus justified:
+"It is up to the males to lay eggs."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Thundering' and 'nous' are two of the expressive words of
+    which Sir Ian Hamilton made use of in his Suvla Bay report. It
+    was the Royal Artillery that did 'thundering good shooting.'
+    'Nous,' meaning gumption, is a word greatly in use in
+    Lancashire."
+
+    _Daily Mirror._
+
+It has also been met with in Greece.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Two labourers employed by the ---- Distillery Company fell a
+    distance of fifty feet into a barley vat yesterday, and when
+    released were found to be suffering from carbolic acid
+    poisoning."--_Weekly Dispatch._
+
+This paragraph will no doubt be freely quoted by temperance advocates as
+showing what whiskey is really made of.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a notice issued by the Sydney Chamber of Commerce:--
+
+    "The Fair, which will be officially opened by His Excellency the
+    Governor, will be held at the Town Hall, and will be followed by
+    a Luncheon. Space will be allotted by the foot frontage from
+    10/- to 15/-."
+
+An excellent idea for City dinners.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DULCE ET DECORUM."
+
+  O young and brave, it is not sweet to die,
+    To fall and leave no record of the race,
+  A little dust trod by the passers-by,
+    Swift feet that press your lonely resting-place;
+  Your dreams unfinished, and your song unheard--
+  Who wronged your youth by such a careless word?
+
+  All life was sweet--veiled mystery in its smile;
+    High in your hands you held the brimming cup;
+  Love waited at your bidding for a while,
+    Not yet the time to take its challenge up;
+  Across the sunshine came no faintest breath
+  To whisper of the tragedy of death.
+
+  And then, beneath the soft and shining blue,
+    Faintly you heard the drum's insistent beat;
+  The echo of its urgent note you knew,
+    The shaken earth that told of marching feet;
+  With quickened breath you heard your country's call,
+  And from your hands you let the goblet fall.
+
+  You snatched the sword, and answered as you went,
+    For fear your eager feet should be outrun,
+  And with the flame of your bright youth unspent
+    Went shouting up the pathway to the sun.
+  O valiant dead, take comfort where you lie.
+  So sweet to live? Magnificent to die!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LECTURE.
+
+"Francesca," I said, "will you do me--I mean, will you accept a favour
+from me?"
+
+"If," she said, "your Majesty deigns to grant one there can be no
+question of my accepting it. It will fall on me and I shall have to
+submit to it."
+
+"Well," I said, "it's this way. You know I'm going to--a-hem!--deliver a
+lecture at Faringham next Monday?"
+
+"I gathered," she said, "that you were up to something from the amount
+of books you were piling up on your writing-table. Besides you've been
+complaining of the ink a good deal, and that's always a bad sign."
+
+"Hadn't I mentioned Faringham and the lecture?"
+
+"You had distantly alluded to something impending and you had looked at
+the A.B.C. several times, but it stopped at that."
+
+"How careless of me!" I said. "I know I meant to tell you all about it."
+
+"You didn't make your meaning clear. It's all part of the secretiveness
+of men. They tell one nothing and then they're offended if we don't
+anticipate all their movements."
+
+"We will," I said, "let that pass. It is an unjust remark, but I will
+not retaliate. Anyhow, I now inform you formally and officially that I
+am going to Faringham on Monday in order to deliver a lecture on 'Poetry
+in its Relation to Life,' before the Faringham Literary Association. It
+is one of the most famous Associations in the world and has a large
+lecture-hall capable of seating one thousand people comfortably."
+
+"But why," she said, "did they ask _you_ to lecture?"
+
+"They must," I said, "have heard of me somewhere and guessed that I had
+wonderful latent capacities as a lecturer. Some men have, you know."
+
+"Well," she said, "let's hope you're one of that sort, and that you'll
+bring all your capacities out on Monday. Aren't you nervous?"
+
+"No," I said, "not exactly nervous; but I shall be glad when it's well
+over."
+
+"So shall I," she said. "The ink will be gradually getting better now,
+and there won't be so many troubles about the A.B.C. being mislaid."
+
+"No book," I said, "was ever so much mislaid as that. I put it down on
+the sofa two minutes ago and it has now vanished completely."
+
+"It has flown to the window-seat," she said.
+
+"Ah," I said, "and if we give it two minutes more it will fly into the
+dining-room."
+
+"Never mind," she said; "there shall be A.B.C.'s in every room till you
+depart for Faringham. That's poetry."
+
+"But it has no relation to life," I said. "It is not sincere, as all
+true poetry must be."
+
+"'At this point,'" she said in a quoting voice, "'the lecturer was much
+affected, and his audience showed their sympathy with him by loud
+cheers.' Will there be much of that sort of thing?"
+
+"There will be a good deal of it," I said with dignity. "The lecture is
+to last for an hour exactly."
+
+"A whole hour?" she said. "Isn't that taking a mean advantage of the
+Faringham people?"
+
+"They," I said, "can go out if they like, but I must go on. Francesca,
+may I read the lecture to you, so as to see if I've got it the right
+length?"
+
+"So that's what you've been driving at," she said. "Well, fire away--no,
+stop till I've fetched the children in. You'll have a better audience
+with them."
+
+"Need those innocent ones suffer?" I said.
+
+"They are young," she said, "and must learn to endure."
+
+The consequence was that all the four children, from Muriel aged
+sixteen, to Frederick aged eight, were fetched in and told they were
+going to have a treat such as few children had ever had; that they were
+going to hear a lecture on "Poetry in its Relation to Life"; that they
+must cheer loudly every now and then, but not interrupt otherwise, and
+that there would be a chocolate for each of them at the end. In addition
+Frederick was told that if he felt he really couldn't stand any more of
+it he was to leave the room very quietly, and that this wouldn't
+interfere with the chocolate. Thereupon the lecture started. At the end
+of the seventh minute Frederick rose, bent his body double and tiptoed
+out of the room. He was a great loss, for, as Muriel remarked
+afterwards, he represented two hundred of the audience of a thousand.
+The rest, however, stuck it out heroically, and danced for joy when it
+came to an end in one hour exactly. Frederick was afterwards discovered
+writing poetry on his own account in the school-room. As an illustration
+of the far-reaching influence of a lecture I may cite two of his
+stanzas:--
+
+      Summer is coming,
+  Then the bees will be humming,
+      Birds will be flying,
+      And girls will be buying,
+      And boys will be running;
+  Oh, hail! Summer is coming.
+
+      Summer is coming,
+  Then the fox will be cunning,
+      And all will be glad,
+      And none will be sad,
+    And I hope none will be mad,
+    And I hope none will be bad;
+  Oh, hail! Summer is coming!
+
+This may be premature and, as to the fox, incorrect, since he requires
+but little cunning in the summer; but there is a good BROWNING flavour
+about it which redeems all errors.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "There are large stocks of Tailor Costumes Ready-to-Wear, in the
+    old reliable materials. These cannot last long."--_Provincial
+    Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Porter._ "Luggage, Sir?"
+
+_Absent-minded Old Gentleman._ "No, thank you. I have some."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Not once or twice have I paid tribute to the craftsmanship of Mr. NEIL
+LYONS, generally as a portrayer of mean urban streets and their
+inhabitants. His latest volume, however, _Moby Lane and Thereabouts_
+(LANE), finds him at large in the Sussex countryside. But the old skill
+and quick-witted charm serve him equally in these different
+surroundings. Mr. LYONS, as I have noticed before, achieves his
+ingenious effects not only by the quaint unexpected things he says but
+equally by the things that he skilfully omits to say. As an example of
+the second method I might cite one of the best of the sketches in the
+book, that called "Viaduct View," after the name of the detestable and
+dreary little house which a loving aunt has preserved for the
+problematical return of the nephew who would certainly not endure it for
+two days. This shows Mr. LYONS at his best--sympathetic, subtle and
+gently ironical. I am not saying that every one of the thirty-seven
+chapters is on the same high level. "Befriending Her Ladyship," for
+instance, a story that tells how a cottage-dweller repaid in kind the
+interfering house-inspection of the lady from the Hall, though amusingly
+told, is neither original in idea nor quite fair in execution.
+Throughout I found indeed that Mr. LYONS'S natural good-humour and
+sympathy were severely tried when they came in contact with squires and
+the ruling classes; and that now and then he was unable to resist the
+temptation to burlesque. But for one thing at least he deserves
+unstinted praise; I know of no other writer who can transfer, as he can,
+the genuine flavour of dialect into print. Try reading some of the _Moby
+Lane_ dialogue aloud and you will see what I mean.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If spacious hobbies make for happiness then is Sir MARTIN CONWAY the
+happiest of men. He has been before us at various times of his crowded
+life, now as an undaunted peak-compeller in Alps and Himalayas, or
+skiing over Arctic glaciers, or pushing forward into hazardous depths of
+Tierra del Fuego; now sitting authoritative in the SLADE Chair at
+Cambridge, or contesting an election, or restoring an old castle, or
+picking up priceless primitives for paltry pence in Paduan pawnshops;
+and always as a resourceful author setting it all down (in a couple of
+dozen books or so) with an easy-flowing pen incapable of boring. In _The
+Crowd in Peace and War_ (LONGMANS) he makes his bow as the political
+philosopher. It is a lively essay packed with observation, reflection,
+modern instances; it intrigues us with audacious and disputable
+generalisations, acute criticism, and a liberal temper. Solemnity and
+dulness are banished from it, and it might well serve as a light pendant
+to the admirable _Human Nature in Politics_ of Mr. GRAHAM WALLAS. Let no
+student (and no mandarin either) neglect it. And we others, however
+scornful we may profess to be, are all at heart desperately interested
+in the confounded thing called politics, and can all appreciate this
+shrewd analysis of the vices and virtues of the crowd "which lacks
+reason but possesses faith," whose despotism is now on trial as once was
+that of our kings--"unlimited crowddom being as wretched a state as
+unlimited monarchy." As a dose of politics without tears I unreservedly
+commend this book.
+
+I am like Mr. JACOBS' _Night Watchman_; it's very hard to deceive me. I
+had read only a few pages of Miss UNA SILBERRAD'S _The Mystery of
+Barnard Hanson_ (HUTCHINSON) when I guessed who had done the murder.
+Unfortunately, when I had read a few pages more, I found that I had
+picked the wrong person. Then I accused another character on perfectly
+good circumstantial evidence, and he was not the man. After that I
+decided to withdraw from the detective business and let Miss SILBERRAD
+unravel her mystery for herself. If you are of the opinion that a woman
+cannot keep a secret read _The Mystery of Barnard Hanson_ and become
+convinced that Miss SILBERRAD at least is an exception. If I have ever
+read a more perfectly sustained mystery novel I cannot recall it. There
+is just a chance that in the last few pages you may get on the right
+track, but, if you are honest with yourself, you will have to admit that
+you did it simply by a process of elimination, after you had made an ass
+of yourself and arrested every innocent person in the book on suspicion.
+I think it is Miss SILBERRAD'S manner that throws the detective reader
+out of his stride. She is so detached. She conveys the impression that
+she herself is just as puzzled as you are, and that, for all she knows,
+_Barnard Hanson_ may have been murdered by somebody who is not in the
+book at all. In other words she gives her story just that reality which
+a murder mystery has when unfolded day by day in the papers. I confess
+that, when I unwrapped the book and found that a polished artist like
+Miss SILBERRAD had written a detective story, I was a little shocked;
+but I need not have been. There are no dummies in this novel. Each
+character is as excellently drawn as if delineation of character were
+the author's main object; and in the matter of style there is no
+concession to the tastes of the cruder public which makes murder novels
+its staple diet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "I see you had a card from your young man at
+the Front, Mary."
+
+_Mary._ "Yes'm. And wasn't it a saucy one! I wonder it passed the
+sentry."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In her preface to _Morlac of Gascony_ (HUTCHINSON) Mrs. STEPNEY RAWSON
+apologizes for producing an historical novel in these days when the
+present rather than the past is occupying people's minds. But a good
+historical novel is never really untimely, and _Morlac of Gascony_ is
+not only well written but deals with a period of English history not
+often exploited by the historical novelist--the days of EDWARD THE
+FIRST, when the future of England as a naval power rested on the energy
+and determination of the sailors of the Cinque Ports. Although _Jehan
+Morlac_, the young Gascon, is the principal character in the story the
+most arresting figure is that of EDWARD himself, as dexterous a piece of
+character-drawing as I have come upon in historical fiction for some
+time. The plot is cleverly constructed to throw a high light on one of
+the most interesting personalities in the history of the English
+monarchy. We see EDWARD as a young man, wild, reckless and brutal; then,
+grown to his full powers and sobered by responsibility, making by sheer
+force of character something abiding and coherent out of the strange
+welter of warring factions from which Great Britain emerged as a united
+kingdom. Wales was a hot-bed of rebellion, Scotland the "plague-spot of
+the North," the Cinque Ports on the verge of going over to France. Only
+a strong man, with strong men under him, could have saved England then.
+_Morlac of Gascony_ is not the easy reading which many people insist on
+in novels which deal with the past, and for this reason it may not be so
+popular as some historical novels of far less merit; but if you are
+prepared to make something of an effort to carry the trenches of the
+earlier portion of the story you will have your reward.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I suppose that what a CRAWFORD doesn't know about Roman society may
+fairly be dismissed as negligible. Therefore the name of J. CRAWFORD
+FRASER (in association with Mrs. HUGH FRASER) on the title-page of _Her
+Italian Marriage_ (HUTCHINSON) is a sufficient guarantee that the local
+colour at least will be the genuine article. And it happens that the
+scheme of the tale, the union between a Roman of the old nobility and an
+American girl, makes the local colour of special significance. It was
+just this matter of doing as the Romans do that _Elsie Trant_ found at
+first one of life's little difficulties. There is a very pleasant scene
+of the dinner-party at which she was formally presented to her husband's
+family; the contrast in atmospheres between that of the new-risen West
+and that of the severely Papal circles to which _Prince Pietro_ belonged
+being suggested most happily. I wish, though, the authors had been
+content to leave it at that, as a social comedy about pleasant people
+getting to understand one another. In an ill-inspired moment, however,
+they decided to have a dramatic plot, and truth compels me to say that
+this is a dreary affair, tricked out with such dust-laden devices as
+secret marriages, missing heirs and concealed papers. There is a steward
+person who alternately is and isn't the rightful Prince, as we delve
+deeper into the revelations. Finally, if I followed the intrigue
+correctly, the long arm of coincidence brought it about that _Elsie's_
+mother was the eloping wife of _Pietro's_ uncle. Frankly, all this bored
+me, because we readers could have been so much more profitably engaged
+in renewing our Roman memories under such expert guidance. But of course
+this is a merely personal opinion, which you may not share.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AUSTRALIAN CORPS.
+
+    "Sydney.--Timely rains have saved the early corps."
+
+The later ones also are now quite recruited, thank you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "French Official.--Between the Argonne and the Meuse our heavy
+    huns destroyed an enemy blockhouse in the region of Forges."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+Stout fellows, these German renegades.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Henley (near).--Gentleman offers land, piggeries,
+    poultry-houses to lady or gentleman as guest. Pleasant
+    home."--_The Lady._
+
+    _The gentleman to the lady_: "Will you occupy a piggery or a
+    poultry-house?"
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, January 26, 1916, by Various
+
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+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
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+  <title>Punch, January 26, 1916.</title>
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+January 26, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 26, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 15, 2007 [EBook #22612]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 150.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>January 26, 1916.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Some idea of the financial straits in
+which English people find themselves
+may be gathered from the statement
+that the first forced strawberries of
+the season fetched no more than ten
+shillings a pound. The Germans proudly
+point out that their forced loans fetched
+more than that.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>A kindly M.P. has suggested that
+our German naval prisoners should be
+employed in making the projected the
+ship canal between the Firths of Forth
+and Clyde.  At present they suffer
+terribly from a form of nostalgia known
+as canal-sickness.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Owing to the scarcity of hay in the
+Budapest Zoo the herbivorous
+animals are being fed on chestnuts,
+and several local humorous
+papers have been obliged
+to suspend publication.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>As the two Polar bears refused
+to flourish on a war-diet
+they were condemned to death,
+and a Hungarian sportsman
+paid twelve pounds for the
+privilege of shooting them.
+No arrangements have yet
+been concluded for finishing
+off the Russian variety.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Old saw, adapted by an
+American journalist: Call no
+one happy until he is <span class="sc">Hearst</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>We all know that marriage
+is a lottery. But the New
+Zealand paper which headed
+an announcement of President <span class="sc">Wilson's</span>
+engagement, "Wild Speculation,"
+was, we trust, taking an unduly gloomy
+view.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>The fact that the <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span>
+and the <span class="sc">Assistant Postmaster-General</span>
+are as like as two
+<span class="sc">Peases</span> was bound to cause a certain
+amount of confusion. Still we hardly
+think it justified a Welsh paper in
+placing a notice of their achievements
+under the heading: "Pea Soup and
+Salt Beef: 300 Sailors Poisoned."</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>In the endeavour to decide authoritatively
+what is a new-laid egg the
+Board of Agriculture has sought information
+from various sources, but is
+reported to be still sitting. There is
+some fear that the definition will be
+addled.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>In tendering birthday congratulations
+to Mr. <span class="sc">Austin Dobson</span> a contemporary
+noted that "many of his most charming
+poems and essays were written amid; their
+the prosaic surroundings of the Board
+of Trade," and described him as "a
+fine example of a poet rising above his
+environment."  Mr. <span class="sc">Edmund Gosse</span>,
+who was a colleague of Mr. <span class="sc">Dobson</span> at
+Whitehall Gardens during his most
+tuneful period, is inclined to think this
+last remark uncalled for.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>It is estimated that 843,920 house-holders
+read with secret joy the paragraph
+in last week's papers stating that
+spring-cleaning is likely to cost
+the housekeeper this year considerably
+more than usual
+both for materials and
+labour; that 397,413 of them repeated
+it to their wives, suggesting that here
+was a chance for a real war-economy;
+and that one (a deaf man) persisted in
+the suggestion after his wife had given
+her views on the subject.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>On reading that London people spend
+on an average seven shillings a year in
+theatre-tickets, a manager expressed the
+opinion that according to his experience
+this calculation was not quite fair.
+Account should also have been taken
+of the very large sum which they expend
+on stamps when writing for free
+admissions.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>It is evident that recent events have
+had a chastening effect upon Bulgarian
+ambitions. After receiving a field-marshal's
+baton from the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>,
+<span class="sc">King Ferdinand</span> is reported to have
+expressed his hope that by co-operation
+their countries would obtain that to
+which they had a right. The <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>
+then left Nish in a hurry.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>From El Paso (Texas) comes news
+that a band of Mexican bandits stopped
+a train near Chicuabar, seized seventeen
+persons, stripped them of
+clothing, robbed them, and
+then shot them dead.
+There is some talk of
+their being elected Honorary Germans.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>China has sent a trial lot of small
+brown eggs packed in sawdust to this
+country, and it is thought that after
+all we shall be able to have a General
+Election.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/061.png"><img width="100%" src="images/061.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Private Jones</i> (<i>crawling out after being buried by a shell
+explosion</i>). "<span class="sc">Silly 'orse-play, <i>I</i> calls it</span>!"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Too Good to be True.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The able organisation which resulted in
+Hell being evacuated with just as complete
+success and the same absence of loss as at
+Suvla and Anzac, relieves what might otherwise
+be the rather melancholy spectacle of the
+winding up of this enterprise."</p>
+
+<p><i>Morning Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From an article by Mr. <span class="sc">John Layland</span>
+on his visit to the Fleet:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"One would like to describe much
+more than one has seen, but that is
+impossible."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Some other Correspondents
+have found no such difficulty.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Lady Secretary Required, for
+about two hours early every morning,
+by lady doctor living near the
+Marble Arch; rapid shorthand essential;
+preference given to a possessor
+of healthy teeth."</p>
+
+<p><i>Advt. in "The Times."</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It looks as if the lady-secretary's
+luncheon would be a
+tough proposition.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Our Correspondent endorses the
+Russian official claim to have captured
+the heights north-east of
+Czernowitz."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The Correspondent's condescension
+is no doubt greatly
+appreciated by our Allies.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Answer to a correspondent:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"'Enquirer.'&mdash;It is pronounced 'communeek.'"&mdash;<i>"Examiner,"
+Launceston, Tasmania.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But not in the best circles.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MODERNISING LAST YEAR'S SKIRT.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Another simple and practical way of doing
+it would be, if the skirt is quite plain, to lift it
+well from the top, and set it neatly on to a
+band, so making the skirt shorter as well as
+fuller. Eight inches is not considered too short
+for present wear, though personally I think six
+inches a more graceful length. However, do
+not be tempted to wear a very short skirt
+unless you are the possessor of well-shaped
+feet and ankles.&mdash;<i>The Woman's Magazine</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But what about knees?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>A Babu's letter of excuse:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Sir,&mdash;As my wife's temper is not well
+since last night, on account of that I am unable
+to attend office to-day. Kindly excuse my
+absence and grant me one day's causual leave."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>In the circumstances Caudle leave
+would have been a happier form of
+holiday.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span>
+
+<h2>HOW TO GET UP A HOLY WAR</h2>
+
+<p>(<span class="sc">German Style</span>).</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[The Special Correspondent of <i>The Times</i> at Salonica states that
+"among the documents examined at the Consulate of his Catholic
+and Apostolic Majesty of Austria are 1,500 copies of a long proclamation
+in Arabic to the Chiefs of the Senussis, inciting them to a Holy
+War on non-Germanic Christendom." The proclamation purports to
+be composed by one of the Faithful, but "its pseudo-Oriental wording
+clearly betrays its Germanic authorship."]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">In Allah's name, Senussis! Allah's name!</p>
+<p>Please note the Holy War that we proclaim!</p>
+<p>High at the main we hoist our sacred banner</p>
+<p>(Forgive my pseudo-Oriental manner);</p>
+<p>For now the psychologic <i>Tag</i> has come</p>
+<p>To put the final lid on Christendom,</p>
+<p>Always excepting that peculiar part</p>
+<p>Which has the hopes of Musulmans at heart.</p>
+<p>For lo! this noble race (its Chief has said it;</p>
+<p>Else would it seem almost too good to credit),</p>
+<p>Prompted by generous instincts, undertakes</p>
+<p>To waive its scruples and for your sweet sakes,</p>
+<p>Indifferent to private gain or loss,</p>
+<p>To help the Crescent overthrow the Cross.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Christians they are, I own, this Teuton tribe,</p>
+<p>Yet not too Christian. I could here inscribe</p>
+<p>A tale of feats performed with pious hands</p>
+<p>On those who crossed their path in Christian lands</p>
+<p>Which, even where Armenia kissed his rod,</p>
+<p>Would put to shame The Very Shadow of God.</p>
+<p>You must not therefore feel a pained surprise</p>
+<p>At having Christian dogs for your allies;</p>
+<p>For there are dogs <i>and</i> dogs; and, though the base</p>
+<p>Bull terrier irks you, 'tis a different case</p>
+<p>When gentle dachshunds jump to your embrace.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">If crudely you remark: "A holy win</p>
+<p>May suit our friends, but where do we come in?"</p>
+<p>My answer is: "Apart from any boom</p>
+<p>Islam secures by sealing England's doom,</p>
+<p>We shall, if we survive the coming clash,</p>
+<p>Collect papyrus notes in lieu of cash;</p>
+<p>And, if we perish, as we may indeed,</p>
+<p>We have a goodly future guaranteed,</p>
+<p>With houris waiting in Valhalla's pile"</p>
+<p>(Pardon my pseudo-Oriental style).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>These are the joys, of which I give the gist,</p>
+<p>Secured to those who trust the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span>'s fist,</p>
+<p>Which to the infidel is hard as nails</p>
+<p>Or eagles' claws whereat the coney quails,</p>
+<p>But to the Faithful, such as you, Senussis,</p>
+<p>Is softer than the velvet paws of pussies.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a story in <i>The Glasgow Herald</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"'He had his feathers ruffled that time, anyway,' laughed my
+husband, as he followed me whistling into the house."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It isn't every woman that has a husband who can talk
+and laugh and whistle all at once. Was he the clever
+man in the French tale, we wonder, who chanted a Scottish
+air, accompanying himself on the bag-pipes?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Fire has broken out in an oven in Kafr Zarb, near Suez, completely
+destroying the fire brigade extinguishing the blaze."</p>
+
+<p><i>Egyptian Mail.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Serve them right for their officiousness.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Wanted, Experienced Ruler (female); permanency."</p>
+
+<p><i>Bristol Times and Mirror.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Might suit a widow.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>NAUTICAL TERMS FOR ALL.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>By our Tame Naval Expert.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>It is really surprising what confusion exists in the public
+mind upon the exact significance of such elementary terms
+as "Command of the Sea," and "A Fleet in Being." Only
+yesterday evening I was asked by a fellow-traveller on the
+top of a bus why, if we had command of the sea, we didn't
+blow up the Kiel Canal!</p>
+
+<p>It will be as well to begin at the beginning. What is
+Naval Warfare? It is an endeavour by sea-going belligerent
+units, impregnated (for the time being) with a measure of
+<i>animus pugnandi</i> and furnished with offensive weapons, to
+impose their will upon one another. In rather more technical
+language it may be described as fighting in ships.</p>
+
+<p>Now in order to utilize the sea for one's own purposes
+and at the same time to deny, proscribe, refuse and restrict
+it to one's enemy it is essential to obtain <span class="sc">command</span>. And
+it must not be overlooked that Command of the Sea can
+only be established in one way&mdash;by utilizing or threatening
+to utilize sea-going belligerent units. But we must distinguish
+between Command of the Sea and Sea Supremacy,
+and again between Potential Command, Putative Command
+and Absolute Command. Finally let there be no confusion
+between the expressions "Command of the Sea" and
+"Control of the Sea," which are entirely different things&mdash;though
+both rest securely upon the doctrine of the
+Fleet in Being, which is at the foundation of all true
+strategy.</p>
+
+<p>This brings us to the question of what is meant by the
+phrase "A Fleet in Being." "To Be or Not to Be" (in Being)
+is a phrase that has been woefully misinterpreted, especially
+by those who insist on a distinction between Being and
+Doing. There is no such distinction at sea. For a fleet
+to exist as a recognisable instrument is not necessarily for
+it to be in Being. Only by exhibiting a desire to dispute
+Command at all costs can a fleet be said to come into
+Being. On the other hand, by being in Being a fleet does not
+necessarily obtain command or even partial control. This
+is not simply a question of To Be or Not to Be (in Being).</p>
+
+<p>In explaining these academic principles one always runs
+the risk of being confronted with concrete instances. I
+shall be asked, "Is the German Fleet in Being?" I can
+only reply that it is in a condition of strictly Limited
+Control (I refer to the Kiel Canal), while the Baltic is in
+Disputed Command so long as the Russian Fleet is
+Strategically at Large.</p>
+
+<p>This brings us to the question of the phrase "Strategically
+at Large," which has been loosely rendered "On the
+War-path." Let us say rather that any fleet (in Being)
+which is ready (even without Putative Control) to dispute
+Command is said to be Strategically at Large, so long as it
+is imbued with <i>animus pugnandi</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Animus pugnandi</i> is the root of the matter. A fleet is
+in a state of disintegration without it. And so long as the
+German Fleet's activities in the North Sea are confined to
+peeping out of the Canal to see if the foe is in the neighbourhood
+one must conclude that this ingredient has been
+overlooked in its composition.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Bis</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>General Utility.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Invalided soldier seeks job; domestic and lity. factotum in
+bachelor menage, or musician, lyrist, dramatist, etc.; house work
+mornings, lit. asst. afternoons, evenings; ex-officer's servant; fair
+cook; turned 60, but virile and active; or working librarian, cleaning,
+etc.; theatrical experience; nominal salary if permanent."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Express.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>If he hadn't called himself a soldier we should have almost
+thought he was a handy-man.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span>
+
+<h3>PRO PATRIA.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/063.png"><img width="100%" src="images/063.png" alt=""/></a><p>A TRIBUTE TO WOMAN'S WORK IN WAR-TIME.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/065.png"><img width="100%" src="images/065.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Mistress.</i> "<span class="sc">And where is Jane</span>?</p>
+<p><i>Parlourmaid.</i> "<span class="sc">If you please, Ma'am, Jane says she can't come
+to family prayers any more while we have margarine in the
+kitchen</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE ROMANCE OF WAR.</h2>
+
+<p>We relieved the Royal What-you-call-'ems
+under depressing circumstances.
+The front line was getting it
+in the neck, which is unfair after dark.</p>
+
+<p>As I reached the transport dump a
+platoon met me led by a Subaltern of
+no mean dimensions. He was conversing
+with certain ones, seemingly officer's
+servants, who were drawing a hand-cart.
+He grew suddenly excited, then
+spoke to a Senior Officer, turned, left
+his platoon and ran back at the double
+to the fire-trench.</p>
+
+<p>It was three-quarters of an hour
+before we drew near that unpleasant
+bourne. In the imitation communication
+trench, which began a hundred
+or more yards behind it, we met the
+Subaltern, hurrying to rejoin his platoon,
+bearing what seemed to be an
+enormous despatch-box. He said
+"Good night" very politely.</p>
+
+<p>By the time we got up the shelling
+had slackened. The last remaining
+officer of the Royal What-you-call-'ems
+stopped to pass the time o' night
+with us.</p>
+
+<p>I asked him if he knew who the
+Subaltern might be, and what object of
+overwhelming importance he had thus
+returned to retrieve.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, that was Billy Blank."</p>
+
+<p>"And what was it he was carrying
+when we met him?"</p>
+
+<p>"A sort of young Saratoga?"</p>
+
+<p>We nodded. Our informant seemed
+to hesitate a moment.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," he said at last, "I don't see
+why you shouldn't know, though it's a
+sort of battalion secret&mdash;not that Billy
+would mind anyone knowing. It's his
+love-letters."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Vicarious Prophylactics.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">How you may dodge the horrible
+'Grippe</span>.'"</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Give your children a cold shower every
+morning."&mdash;<i>Ottawa Evening Journal.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"At the time when Turnbull was asking for
+the account, and flourishing suggestions as to
+his ability to pay, there was in the prisoner's
+bank the sum of sixteen pence."</p>
+
+<p><i>Newcastle Evening Chronicle.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We have reason to believe that there
+was also an odd shilling or two in the
+bank belonging to other clients.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From an account of "Calls to the
+Bar in Ireland":&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Mr. &mdash;&mdash; was awarded the Society's Exhibition
+of &pound;21 per annum for three roars."</p>
+
+<p><i>Irish Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>He seems to have called himself to the
+Bar.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>RAILWAY LINES.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>O semblance of a snail grown paralytic,</p>
+<p class="i2">Concerning whom your victims daily speak</p>
+<p>In florid language, fearsome and mephitic,</p>
+<p class="i2">Enough to redden any trooper's cheek:</p>
+<p>Let them, I say, hold forth till all is blue;</p>
+<p class="i4">I take the longer view.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Not mine it is to curse you for your tedium</p>
+<p class="i2">And frequent stops in search of wayside rest,</p>
+<p>Nor call you, through the morning papers' medium,</p>
+<p class="i2">A crying scandal and a public pest;</p>
+<p>I designate you, on the other hand,</p>
+<p class="i4">A bulwark of the land.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For should the Huns, in final desperation,</p>
+<p class="i2">On our South-Eastern shore dash madly down,</p>
+<p>'Tis true they might entrain at Dover station,</p>
+<p class="i2">But when, ah, when would they arrive in town?</p>
+<p>Or would they perish, hungry, lost, and spent,</p>
+<p class="i4">Somewhere in wildest Kent?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span>
+
+<h2>MY LIFE.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>With acknowledgments to Mr. G. R. Sims.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Being a few Foretastes of the
+Great Feast to follow.</span></p>
+
+<p>Peering backward into the gulf of
+time as I sit in my grandfather's chair
+and listen to the tick of my grandfather's
+clock I see a smaller but more
+picturesque London, in which I shot
+snipe in Battersea Fields, and the hoot
+of the owl in the Green Park was not
+yet drowned by the hoot of the
+motor-car&mdash;a London of chop-houses,
+peg-top trousers and
+Dundreary whiskers....</p>
+
+<p>I remember the Derby of
+Caractacus and the Oaks of
+Boadicea. Once more I see
+"Eclipse first and the rest
+nowhere." I remember "<span class="sc">Old</span>
+Q." and <span class="sc">Old Parr, Arnold</span> of
+Rugby and <span class="sc">Keate</span> of Eton,
+<span class="sc">Charles Lamb</span> and General
+<span class="sc">Wolfe, Charles James Fox</span>
+and <span class="sc">Mrs. Leo Hunter</span>; the
+poets <span class="sc">Burns</span> and <span class="sc">Tennyson</span>,
+the latter of whom gave me
+my name of "Dagonet."</p>
+
+<p>I think back to a London of
+trim-built wherries and nankeen
+pantaloons, when <i>The
+Times</i> cost as much as a dozen
+oysters, which everyone then
+ate. I remember backing myself
+in my humorous way to
+eat sixty "seconds" in a
+minute and winning the bet.</p>
+
+<p>I look back to the time when
+<span class="sc">Betty</span>, the infant <span class="sc">Roscius</span>, and
+<span class="sc">Grimaldi</span>, and <span class="sc">Nell Gwynn</span>
+and <span class="sc">Colley Cibber</span> and <span class="sc">Robson</span>
+and <span class="sc">Fechter</span> and <span class="sc">Peg
+Woffington</span> were the chief
+luminaries of the histrionic
+firmament. I remember the
+<i>d&eacute;buts</i> of <span class="sc">Catalani</span> and <span class="sc">Malibran</span>
+and <span class="sc">Piccolomini</span> and
+Broccolini and Giulio Perkins.</p>
+
+<p>I remember the opening of
+the Great Exhibition of 1851,
+the erection of <span class="sc">Drayton's</span> "Polyolbion,"
+the removal of the Wembley Tower, and
+the fight between <span class="sc">Belcher</span> and the
+gas-man.</p>
+
+<p>I often think of the battles of Waterloo
+and Blenheim and Culloden and
+Preston Pans and Cann&aelig;. I often
+think of next Sunday with a shudder.</p>
+
+<p>I see <span class="sc">Count d'Orsay</span> careering along
+Kensington Gore in his curricle; Lord
+<span class="sc">Macaulay</span> sauntering homeward to
+Campden Hill, and Lord <span class="sc">George
+Sanger</span> driving home to East Finchley
+behind two spanking elephants.</p>
+
+<p>I see Jerusalem and Madagascar
+and North and South Amerikee...</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It was on the eve of the anniversary
+of the battle of Cressy that I first drew
+breath on August 25th, "somewhere"
+in the Roaring Forties. The date was
+well chosen, for my maternal great-great-grandfather
+had amassed a considerable
+fortune by the manufacture
+of mustard, and the happy collocation
+was destined to bear conspicuous fruit
+in after years.</p>
+
+<p>Good old <span class="sc">Herodotus</span>, my favourite
+reading in my school-days, tells us how
+old-world potentate, in order to discover
+which was the most ancient
+language in the world, had two children
+brought up in strict seclusion by dumb
+nurses, with the result that the first
+word they uttered was "Beck," the
+Phrygian for bread. Strange to say this
+was not my first linguistic effort, which
+was, as a matter of fact, the Romany
+word "bop."</p>
+
+<p>Although I shall probably write my
+autobiography again a few details
+about my ancestry are pardonable at
+this juncture.</p>
+
+<p>My great-great-great-great-grandfather
+was a robust Devon yeoman
+who fought with <span class="sc">Drake</span> in the Spanish
+main, but subsequently married the
+daughter of a Spanish Admiral, made
+captain at the time of the Armada,
+Count Guzman Intimidad Larranaga.
+The daughter, Pomposa Seguidilla,
+came to England to share her father's
+imprisonment, and my ancestor fell in
+love with her and married her. She
+was a vivacious brunette with nobly
+chiselled features and fine Castilian
+manners. Their son Alonzo married
+Mary Lyte of Paddington, so that I
+trace my descent to the Lytes of London
+as well as to the grandees of
+Spain.... Incredibly also I
+was one of the Hopes of England.</p>
+
+<p>And now, when London has
+no light any more, I take pen
+in hand to retrace the steps
+of my wonderful journey
+through the ages. Ah me!
+<i>Eheu fugaces!</i></p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Among my early reading
+nothing made so much impression
+on me as <i>Mrs.
+Glasse's Cookery Book</i>, and I
+still remember the roars of
+laughter that went up when
+I read out a famous sentence
+in my childish way: "First
+tatch your hair." Those words
+have stuck to me through life
+and have had a deep influence
+on my career. Strange how
+little we know at the time
+which are our vital moments.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>I remember standing, when
+still only of tender years,
+listening to Bow bells and
+vowing that, if I grew up, I
+would so reflect my life in my
+writings that no experience
+however trifling should be
+without its recording paragraph.
+I would tell all. And
+I am proud to say I have kept
+that vow. I have not even
+concealed from my readers
+the names of the hotels I
+have stayed in, and if I have
+liked the watering-places I have resisted
+every temptation not to say so.
+Odd how childish aspirations can be
+fulfilled!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/066.png"><img width="100%" src="images/066.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Tommy.</i> "<span class="sc">Hold hard, young feller. You shouldn't
+butt in like that&mdash;plenty of room behind</span>."</p>
+<p><i>His Girl.</i> "<span class="sc">Leave him alone, Harry. He thinks it's a
+recruiting office</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A Young Country Girl, 18, wishes a situation
+as Housemaid or Betweenmaid; never
+out before; wages not objected to."</p>
+
+<p><i>Irish Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Very nice of her to be so accommodating.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Col. J. W. Wray and Mrs. Wray entertained
+the recruiting staff, numbering &pound;21, to
+tea at Brett's Hall, Guildford, on Thursday."</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Sterling fellows, evidently.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/067.png"><img width="100%" src="images/067.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">"Us have had a letter from our Jarge. He've killed
+three Germans!"</span></p>
+<p><span class="sc">"I bain't zurprised! Lor'! How that boy did love a bit o' rattin', or
+anything to do with vermin!"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE FLYING MAN.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When the still silvery dawn uprolls</p>
+<p class="i2">And all the world is "standing to;"</p>
+<p>When young lieutenants damn our souls</p>
+<p class="i2">Because they're feeling cold and blue&mdash;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The bacon's trodden in the slush,</p>
+<p class="i2">The baccy's wet, the stove's gone wrong&mdash;</p>
+<p>Then, purring on the morning's hush,</p>
+<p class="i2">We hear his cheerful little song.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The shafts of sunrise strike his wings,</p>
+<p class="i2">Tinting them like a dragon-fly;</p>
+<p>He bows to the ghost-moon and swings,</p>
+<p class="i2">Flame-coloured, up the rosy sky.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He climbs, he darts, he jibes, he luffs;</p>
+<p class="i2">Like a great bee he drones aloud;</p>
+<p>He whirls above the shrapnel puffs,</p>
+<p class="i2">And, laughing, ducks behind a cloud.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He rides aloof on god-like wings,</p>
+<p class="i2">Taking no thought of wire or mud,</p>
+<p>Saps, smells or bugs&mdash;the mundane things</p>
+<p class="i2">That sour our lives and have our blood.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Beneath his sky-patrolling car</p>
+<p class="i2">Toy guns their mimic thunders clap;</p>
+<p>Like crawling ants whole armies are</p>
+<p class="i2">That strive across a coloured map.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The roads we trudged with feet of lead</p>
+<p class="i2">The shadows of his pinions skim;</p>
+<p>The river where we piled our dead</p>
+<p class="i2">Is but a silver thread to him.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"God of the eagle-winged machine,</p>
+<p class="i2">What see you where aloft you roam?"</p>
+<p>"Eastward, <i>Die Schlossen von Berlin</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">And West, the good white cliffs of home!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Journalistic Candour.</h3>
+
+<p>Heading to the Stop-Press column
+of a Provincial Paper:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"LATEST RAW NEWS."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Motorcycle. Give &pound;25 (maximum) and
+exquisite diamond ring (engagement broken
+off)."&mdash;<i>Motor Cycling</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>No sidecar required.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Maeterlinck, the great Austrian statesman,
+looked with suspicion on all kinds of
+suggestions of reform or agitation."</p>
+
+<p><i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>So unlike <span class="sc">Metternich</span>, the famous
+Belgian bee-farmer.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Young Baby&mdash;Wanted, homely woman to
+take charge of duration of war."</p>
+
+<p><i>Wood Green Sentinel.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>If she will only finish it satisfactorily&mdash;the
+War, we mean, not the baby&mdash;we don't mind how homely she is.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Under the heading of "Horses, Harness,
+&amp;c.":&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Offer, cheap&mdash;Horse Chestnuts, 6 to 8
+feet; Scotch, 2 to 3 feet; Spruce, about 2 feet;
+also Privet, Lilacs, Laurels, etc."</p>
+
+<p><i>Irish Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We are quite glad to see this old joke
+in harness again.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Tourists are permitted to carry cameras
+and use them as long as they do not attempt
+to take fortresses."</p>
+
+<p><i>Russian Year Book.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>These 4.7 cameras are deadly things
+for siege work.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Quite the tit-bit of the evening was the
+little interlude in the duet from 'Faust' taken
+by Mr. H&mdash;&mdash; as Faust and Mr. B&mdash;&mdash; P&mdash;&mdash;
+as Mephistopheles.  'His Satanic Majesty'
+sings&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"'What is your will? At once tell me.</p>
+<p>Are you afraid?'"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p><i>Accrington Observer.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Is this "My dear Tino" under another
+name?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page68" id="page68"></a>[pg 68]</span>
+
+<h2>THE BATTLE OF JOBEY.</h2>
+
+<p>January, 1916, will ever be remembered
+as the eventful month in which
+the oldest men in England turned aside
+from all their other pursuits and disregarded
+the state of Europe in order
+to take part in the Battle of Jobey.
+Their battle-ground was the columns of
+<i>The Times</i>, and no one was too proud
+or venerable to fight. Peers, bishops,
+deans, statesmen, baronets, knights&mdash;all
+rushed in, and still no one quite
+knows the result. How many Jobeys
+were there? we still ask ourselves. Did
+anyone really know the first Jobey, or
+was there only an ancestral Jobey
+back in the days of <span class="sc">Edward VI.</span>? How
+old was the dynasty? Was Jobey Levi?
+Was Jobey Powell? Was Jobey short
+and fat? Was Jobey tall and thin?
+What did Jobey sell? What did Jobey
+do?</p>
+
+<p>To begin with, what was the <i>casus
+belli</i>? No one can remember. But
+some old Etonian, reminiscing, had the
+effrontery to believe that the Jobey to
+whom, in his anecdotage, he referred,
+who sold oranges at the gate or blew up
+footballs or performed other jobicular
+functions, was the only Jobey. That
+was enough. Instantly in poured
+other infuriated old Etonians, also in
+anecdotage, to pit their memories
+against his. Everything was forgotten
+in the struggle: the <span class="sc">Kaiser's</span> illness,
+Sir <span class="sc">Ian Hamilton's</span> despatch, the
+Compulsion Bill, the Quakers and their
+consciences, the deficiencies of the
+Blockade. Nothing existed but Jobey.</p>
+
+<p>All the letters, however, were not
+printed, and some of those that escaped
+<i>The Times</i> have fallen into our own
+hand. We give one or two:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Sir,&mdash;Your Correspondents are
+wrong. Jobey was a fat red man,
+with a purple nose and a wooden leg.</p>
+
+<p>I am, Yours faithfully, <span class="sc">Nestor</span>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Sir,&mdash;My recollection of Jobey is
+exact. He was a fat man with a hook
+instead of a left hand, and he stood at
+least six feet six inches high. No one
+could mistake him.</p>
+
+<p>I am, Obediently yours,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Methuselah Parr</span>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Sir,&mdash;<span class="sc">Jowett</span>, though not an Etonian
+himself, was greatly interested in anecdotes
+of Jobey related to him by Etonian
+undergraduates in the "sixties,"
+and on one occasion, when he was the
+guest of the Headmaster, he was introduced
+to the famous factotum, who
+instructed him in the art of blowing up
+footballs, and presented him with a
+blood orange, which <span class="sc">Jowett</span> religiously
+preserved for many years in a glass-case
+in his study. In features they
+were curiously alike, but Jobey's nose
+was larger and far redder than that of
+the Master's. I have given a fuller
+account of the interview in my <i>Balliol
+Memories</i>, Vol. iii., pp. 292-5, but may
+content myself with saying here that
+the two eminent men parted with
+mutual respect.</p>
+
+<p>I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Lemuel Longmire</span>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Sir,&mdash;I wish to point out that "My
+Tutor's" is hopelessly wrong in thinking
+that his Jobey is the real Jobey.
+Looking through my diary for June,
+1815, I find this entry:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"News of Waterloo just received.
+Jobey, who has charge of all the
+cricket implements and is generally
+the custodian of the playing
+fields, monstrously drunk, on the
+ground of having won the battle."</p>
+
+<p>This conclusively proves that there
+was a Jobey before the old fellow who
+has just died aged 85. But how anyone
+can be interested in people aged
+only 85, I cannot conceive. My own
+age is 118, and I am still in possession
+of an exact memory and a deadly diary.</p>
+
+<p>I remain, Sir, Yours truly,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">John Barchester</span>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Sir,&mdash;Although in my hundred-and-fiftieth
+year I can still recollect my
+school days with crystal clearness, and
+it pains me to find a lot of young
+Etonians claiming to have had dealings
+with the original Jobey. The original
+Jobey died in 1827, and I was at his
+funeral. He was then a middle-aged
+man of 93. When I was at Eton in
+1776-1783, he stood with his basket
+opposite "Grim's," and if any of us
+refused to buy he gave us a black eye.
+Discipline was lax in those days, but
+we were all the better for it. On
+Jobey's death a line of impostors no
+doubt was established, trying to profit
+by the great name; but none of these
+can be called the original Jobey, except
+under circumstances of the crassest
+ignorance or folly.</p>
+
+<p>I am, Yours, etc., <span class="sc">Senex</span>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Sir,&mdash;It is tolerably obvious that
+your correspondent "Drury's" is
+suffering from hallucinations of the
+most virulent type. <i>Maxima debetur
+pueris reverentia</i> is all very well, but
+facts are facts. There may have been
+many pseudo-Jobeys, but the real
+original was born in the year of the
+Great Fire of London and died in 1745.
+He was already installed in the reign
+of <span class="sc">William III.</span>, and was the first to
+introduce Blenheim oranges to the
+Etonian palate. He was an under-sized
+man, about five feet five inches
+high, with a pale face and hooked nose
+and always wore a woollen muffler,
+which we called "Jobey's comforter."
+To represent him as belonging to the
+Victorian age is an anachronism calculated
+to make the angels weep.</p>
+
+<p>I am, Sir, Yours everlastingly,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Melchisedek Pontoppidan</span>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A MOTHER TO AN EMPEROR.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I made him mine in pain and fright,</p>
+<p class="i4">The only little lad I'd got,</p>
+<p class="i2">And woke up aching night by night</p>
+<p class="i4">To mind him in his baby cot;</p>
+<p class="i2">And, whiles, I jigged him on my knee</p>
+<p class="i4">And sang the way a mother sings,</p>
+<p class="i2">Seeing him wondering up at me</p>
+<p class="i4">Sewing his little things,</p>
+<p>And never gave a thought to wars and kings.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">I heard his prayers or smacked him good,</p>
+<p class="i4">And watched him learning miles ahead</p>
+<p class="i2">Of all his mother ever could,</p>
+<p class="i4">Roughing my hands to set him bread;</p>
+<p class="i2">And when he was a man I tried</p>
+<p class="i4">Not to forget as he was grown,</p>
+<p class="i2">And didn't keep him close beside</p>
+<p class="i2"> All for my very own&mdash;</p>
+<p>And meanwhiles you was brooding on your throne.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">And now&mdash;He wouldn't wait no more,</p>
+<p class="i4">I've helped him go, I couldn't choose;</p>
+<p class="i2">My one's another in the score</p>
+<p class="i4">Of all you've grabbed; seems like I lose.</p>
+<p class="i2">But don't you think you've done so well</p>
+<p class="i4">Taking my lad that's got but one;</p>
+<p class="i2">He'll fight for me, he'll fight like hell,</p>
+<p class="i4">And, when you're down and done,</p>
+<p>You'll curse the day you stole my only son.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Commercial Candour.</h3>
+
+<p>From a shoemaker's advertisement:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"8 years' wear! 12 hours' ease."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Comforting the Foe.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Books and Magazines may be handed in
+at the counter of any Post Office, unwrapped,
+unlabelled, and hunaddressed."</p>
+
+<p><i>Parish Magazine.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"To be LET, FURNISHED, cosily FURNISHED
+COUNTRY HOUSE, offering rest, recuperation,
+recreation, and the acme of comfort; 10 bedrooms,
+2 bath, 4 reception; stabling, garage,
+billiards, tennis, croquet, miniature rifle range,
+small golf course, fringed pool, gardens, walks,
+telephone, radiators, gas; near town and rail;
+rent &pound;3 3s. weekly, including gardener's
+wages."&mdash;<i>The Devon and Exeter Gazette.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>With a lodge, a deer park, and a
+"revenue of populars," this would be a
+bargain.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span>
+
+<h3>HOW TO TALK TO THE WOUNDED.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/070.png"><img width="100%" src="images/070.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Dear Old Lady.</i> <span class="sc">"Have you two men been at the
+Front?"</span></p>
+<p><i>Soldier.</i> <span class="sc">"Bless you, no, Mum. We've just 'ad a bit of a scrap
+together, to keep fit."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE GRAND TOUR.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I always wished to see the world&mdash;I 'ad no chanst before,</p>
+<p>Nor I don't suppose I should 'ave if there 'adn't been no war;</p>
+<p>I used to read the tourist books, the shippin' news also,</p>
+<p>An' I 'ad the chance o' goin', so I couldn't 'elp but go.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We 'ad a spell in Egypt first, before we moved along</p>
+<p>Acrost the way to Suvla, where we got it 'ot an' strong;</p>
+<p>We 'ad no drink when we was dry, no rest when we was tired,</p>
+<p>But I've seen the Perramids an' Spink, which I 'ad oft desired.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I've what'll last me all my life to talk about an' think;</p>
+<p>I've sampled various things to eat an' various more to drink;</p>
+<p>I've strolled among them dark bazaars, which makes the pay to fly</p>
+<p>(An' I 'ad my fortune told as well, but that was all my eye).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I've seen them little islands too&mdash;I couldn't say their names&mdash;</p>
+<p>An' towns as white as washin'-day an' mountains spoutin' flames;</p>
+<p>I've seen the sun come lonely up on miles an' miles o' sea:</p>
+<p>Why, folks 'ave paid a 'undred pound an' seen no more than me.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The sky is some'ow bluer there&mdash;in fact, I never knew</p>
+<p>As any sun could be so 'ot or any sky so blue;</p>
+<p>There's figs an' dates an' suchlike things all 'angin' on the trees,</p>
+<p>An' black folks walkin' up an' down as natural as you please.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I always wished to see the world, I'm fond o' life an' change,</p>
+<p>But <span class="sc">Abdul</span> got me in the leg; an' this is passin' strange,</p>
+<p>That when you see Old England's shore all wrapped in mist an' rain,</p>
+<p>Why, it's worth the bloomin' bundle to be comin' 'ome again!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A Fair Exchange.</h3>
+
+<p>From <i>The Gazette of India</i>:&mdash;-</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Delhi, the 16th December, 1915.&mdash;No. 100-C. With reference to
+Notification No. 2529, dated the 21st October 1915, Mr. H. W. Emerson,
+Indian Civil Service, is appointed Under Secretary to the Government
+of India, Department of Revenue and Agriculture, s. <i>p. t.</i> with effect
+from the forenoon of the 29th November 1915 and until further
+orders.&mdash;<span class="sc">F. Noyce</span>, Offc. Secretary to the Government of India."</p>
+
+<p>"Simla, the 16th December 1915.&mdash;No. 2842. With reference to
+Notification No. 2417, dated the 19th October 1915, Mr. F. Noyce,
+Indian Civil Service, is appointed Secretary to the Government of
+India, Department of Revenue and Agriculture, s. <i>p. t.</i>, with effect
+from the forenoon of the 29th November 1915 and until further orders.&mdash;<span class="sc">H.
+W. Emerson</span>, Under Secretary to the Government of India."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Jamaica has removed the embargo on the exportation of logwood
+to British possessions and also to America and ports in France and
+Italy."&mdash;<i>The Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>A mixed blessing. There's too much logwood in some
+ports as it is.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From <i>A Little Guide to Essex</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Steeple Bumpstead (see Bumpstead, Steeple).</p>
+<p>Bumpstead, Steeple (see Steeple Bumpstead)....</p>
+<p>Bumpstead, Helions (see Helions Bumpstead).</p>
+<p>Helions Bumpstead (see Bumpstead, Helions)."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span>
+
+<h3>"THE MAN THAT BROKE THE BACK OF MONTENEGRO."</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/071.png"><img width="100%" src="images/071.png" alt=""/></a><p>FRANZ-JOSEF, THE MAMMOTH COMEDIAN, IN HIS STUPENDOUS (AND
+UNIQUE) SUCCESS.</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page73" id="page73"></a>[pg 73]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, January
+17th.</i>&mdash;To-day's sitting included
+episode justly described by <span class="sc">Redmond</span>
+as miraculous in relations between Ireland
+and her sisters in the family of the
+Empire. In Committee on Military
+Service Bill question promptly raised
+on exclusion of Ireland. Amendment
+moved by Unionist Member for Belfast
+to make Bill operative in the three Kingdoms.</p>
+
+<p>Significant note struck at
+outset by <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>.
+Overwhelmed with work, unable
+to take personal charge
+of Bill in Committee, he deputed
+task, not to Home
+Rule <span class="sc">Irish Secretary</span>, to
+whom it officially belonged,
+but to the Unionist <span class="sc">Colonial
+Secretary</span>.</p>
+
+<p>In delicate position, <span class="sc">Bonar
+Law</span> acquitted himself with
+excellent taste, unerring tact.
+He did not disguise fact that
+as a Unionist his sympathies
+were with the Amendment.
+But he insisted that more
+would be lost than gained
+by trying to enforce Military
+Service on country divided
+upon the question.</p>
+
+<p>"To anyone who knows the
+history of Ireland," he said,
+"who knows the history in
+our own lifetime, and the
+part which has been played
+by Nationalist Members in
+this House and Nationalist
+Members in Ireland&mdash;to anyone
+who recalls the state of
+this country during the
+whole of the Napoleonic
+Wars, when Ireland was a
+constant source of danger to
+Great Britain, it is not a
+small thing, it is a very great
+thing, that for the first time
+in our history the official
+representatives of the Nationalist Party
+are openly and avowedly on the side of
+Great Britain."</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Carson</span> patriotically responded to
+this harmonious call, rare in discussing
+Ireland across floor of the House.
+Regretfully but uncompromisingly advised
+withdrawal of Amendment moved
+by Ulster Member.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">John Redmond</span>, in speech pathetic in
+its plea, besought the House to refrain
+from effort to drive Ireland. The part
+her people have taken in the War side
+by side with British comrades was splendid.</p>
+
+<p>"I am," he said, "as proud of
+the Ulster Regiments as I am of the
+Nationalist Regiments. If five years
+ago any one had predicted that in a
+great war in which the Empire was
+engaged 95,000 recruits would have
+been raised from Ireland and that
+there would be 151,143 Irishmen with
+the colours, would he not have been
+looked upon as a lunatic?"</p>
+
+<p>One note of discord came from little
+group below Gangway on Liberal
+side. Unable to withstand temptation
+to obtain mean little triumph,
+they refused to permit withdrawal of
+Amendment, as suggested by <span class="sc">Bonar
+Law</span> and accepted by <span class="sc">Carson</span>, and it was
+perforce negatived.</p>
+
+<h3>ALL FOR IRELAND&mdash;A WAR-TIME HARMONY.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/073.png"><img width="100%" src="images/073.png" alt=""/></a><p><span class="sc">Mr. Bonar Law, Mr. Redmond, Sir Edward Carson.</span></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Military Service
+Bill in Committee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday</i>, 2.10 <span class="sc">A.M.</span>&mdash;House adjourned
+after ten hours' wrestling with
+Military Service Bill.</p>
+
+<p>Once upon a time, not so far back,
+there was an Irish Member who, on his
+triumphant return to Westminster, took
+the oath and his seat at 4 o'clock in
+the afternoon, delivered his maiden
+speech at 6.50, and on the stroke of
+midnight was suspended for disorderly
+conduct.</p>
+
+<p>That a record difficult to beat. The
+Member for Australia (London address,
+St. George's, Hanover Square) with
+characteristic modesty diffidently approached
+it. Taking his seat last
+Wednesday, he to-day delivered his
+maiden speech. It was risky in face
+of the sound axiom, adapted from
+nursery discipline, that new Members
+should (for a reasonable period) be seen,
+not heard. As a breaker of unwritten
+law Sir <span class="sc">George</span> has extenuation of
+success. This due to intrinsic merits
+of speech. Foremost of these was
+brevity. Furthermore, it
+was in the best sense a
+contribution to debate,
+arising directly out of question
+sprung upon Committee.
+No asphyxiating smell of the
+lamp about it. Sound in argument,
+felicitous in phrase.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Ivor Herbert</span> had moved
+amendment to Military Service
+Bill, bring within its
+purview all unmarried men
+as they attain the age of
+eighteen years. The Bill
+calls to the colours only those
+who on 15th August last
+had reached that age.</p>
+
+<p>"When the flames of destruction
+are approaching
+the fabric of our liberties,"
+said Sir George <span class="sc">Reid</span> by way
+of peroration, "let us save
+our house first and discuss
+our domestic rearrangements
+afterwards."</p>
+
+<p>The new Member rose in
+nearly empty House. Members
+already aweary of ineffectual
+talk round foregone
+conclusion. News that he
+was on his feet signalled
+throughout the precincts,
+Members hurried in to hear.
+Amongst them came the
+<span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>. Amendment
+withdrawn.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Committee
+sat far into foggy
+night, driving Military Service
+Bill through Committee against
+obstruction on the part of at most a
+score of Members.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Both sides unite in welcoming
+<span class="sc">Jack Pease</span> back to Ministerial
+Position. (<i>Mem.</i>&mdash;Commonly called
+Jack because he was christened Joseph
+Albert). After filling in succession
+offices of Chief Whip of Liberal Party,
+Chancellor of Duchy and Minister
+for Education, in each gaining general
+approval and personal popularity, he
+was one of the sacrificial lambs cut off
+by reconstruction of Ministry on Coalition
+principles.</p>
+
+<p>Took what must have been bitter
+disappointment with dignified reserve.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page74" id="page74"></a>[pg 74]</span>
+
+<p>Having made the personal statement
+common to retiring Ministers, he did
+not seat himself on the Front Opposition
+Bench on the look-out for opportunity
+to "hesitate dislike" of policy
+and action of former colleagues. Seeking
+for chance to do his bit in connection
+with the War, at request of
+Army Council he undertook unpaid
+post of Civil Member on Claims Commission
+in France. Comes back to
+Treasury Bench as Postmaster-General,
+in succession to the <span class="sc">Infant Samuel</span>,
+who, in accordance with the tradition
+of early childhood, has, since first promoted
+to Ministerial office, been
+"called" several times to others.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sark</span>, always considerate of convenience
+of public, thinks it may be
+well to state that it will be no use
+anyone looking in at Post Office and
+crying, "Pease! Pease!" Not because
+there is no Pease, but because there are
+two&mdash;<span class="sc">Jack</span>, the Postmaster-General,
+and his cousin <span class="sc">Pike Pease</span>, formerly
+a Unionist Whip, who has for some
+months served as Assistant Postmaster-General.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In Committee on
+Military Service Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday</i>.&mdash;Fourth night of debate
+in Committee on Military Service Bill.
+Concluded a business that might have
+been as fully accomplished at one sitting.
+Save for a few immaterial amendments;
+of the verbal kind, Bill stands as it did
+when introduced. Scene closed with exchange
+of compliments between <span class="sc">Bonar
+Law</span> and little band who have succeeded
+in keeping talk going. He expressed
+satisfaction, "or perhaps something
+rather stronger" (this a little dubious),
+at the way in which opposition had been
+conducted. They protested it was all
+due to his conciliatory manner.</p>
+
+<p>And so home to bed as early as
+eleven o'clock.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/074.png"><img width="100%" src="images/074.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Inquisitive Party.</i> "<span class="sc">Ye'll likely be gaun tae
+Elie</span>?" <i>N.C.O.</i> "No!"</p>
+<p><i>Inquisitive Party.</i> "<span class="sc">Than ye'll be gaun tae Pittenweem</span>?"
+<i>N.C.O.</i> "No!!"</p>
+<p><i>Inquisitive Party.</i> "<span class="sc">Then ye'll shair tae be gaun tae
+Crail</span>?" <i>N.C.O.</i> "No!!!"</p>
+<p><i>Inquisitive Party</i>. "<span class="sc">Dae ye think a care a dom whaur ye're
+gaun</span>?'</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Delhi-on-Sea.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Delhi, Monday,&mdash;The P. and O. Steamer
+Arabia, with the outward mail of the 22nd,
+arrived here at 1-30 p.m. to-day (Sunday)."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Beharee</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Commencing on December 1st the London
+banks will close at three o'clock, except on
+Saturday at one o'clock, with a view to assisting
+recruiting by realising a number of clerks."</p>
+
+<p><i>Bay of Plenty Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Financially and otherwise the bank-clerk
+is one of our best securities.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>PLUS &Ccedil;A CHANGE, PLUS C'EST
+LA M&Ecirc;ME CHOSE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Before the War Miss Betty Pink</p>
+<p>Was just an ordinary mink;</p>
+<p>Her skirt was short, her eye was glad,</p>
+<p>Her hats would almost drive you mad,</p>
+<p class="i4">She was, in fact, to many a boy</p>
+<p class="i10">A source of perturbation;</p>
+<p>At household duties she would scoff,</p>
+<p>She lived for tennis, bridge and golf,</p>
+<p>She motored, hunted, smoked and biked,</p>
+<p>Did just exactly what she liked,</p>
+<p class="i4">And took a quite delirious joy</p>
+<p class="i10">In casual flirtation.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But when the War arrived, you see,</p>
+<p>She flew at once to V.A.D.,</p>
+<p>Belgians, Red Cross, and making mitts,</p>
+<p>And (profitably) sold her Spitz,</p>
+<p class="i4">And studied mild economy</p>
+<p class="i10">In things she wasn't wrapt in;</p>
+<p>One game alone of all her games</p>
+<p>She stuck to. Which is why her name's</p>
+<p>No longer Pink. I laughed almost,</p>
+<p>On reading in <i>The Morning Post</i>,</p>
+<p class="i4">That Betty, "very quietly,"</p>
+<p class="i10">Had wed a tempy Captain.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page75" id="page75"></a>[pg 75]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/075.png"><img width="100%" src="images/075.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>M.C.</i> (<i>introducing bluejacket who fancies
+himself as a basso</i>). <span class="sc">"Mr. 'Icks will now oblige with several
+blasts on 'is fog-'orn, entitled, 'O Ruddier than the Cherry.'"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ERIN-GO-BRAGH.</h2>
+
+<p>"Saft marnin', Mrs. Ryan&mdash;ye're
+out early this marnin'."</p>
+
+<p>"Ye say right, Mrs. Flanagan, I am
+that. Me son wint back to the Front
+last night, and Himself was out seein'
+him off at the staymer, all through the
+pourin' rain, the way he's not able to
+shtir hand or fut. I was just down to
+Gallagher's gettin' him some medicine."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, now! 'tis too bad that Himself
+is sick. Will I help yez with the
+bottles, Mrs. Ryan?"</p>
+
+<p>"Thank yez, Ma'am, it's too kind
+ye are."</p>
+
+<p>"And ye tell me y'r son is away
+agin, and him only just back! 'Tis
+a tarrible warr, an' there's a powerful
+lot av fine young fellows that'll be
+missing when they come back to
+Dublin agin."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! ye may well say that, Mrs.
+Flanagan. There's more than a
+million gone out of this disthrict alone,
+and there's Irishmen fightin' in all the
+himispheres of th' worrld. They tell
+me that the Irish bees in such numbers
+that the inimy got fair desprit an'
+rethreated into Siberia to get away
+from thim, till they met more av us
+comin' along from th' other ind of the
+worrld."</p>
+
+<p>"Glory be! But isn't that wandherful?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, 'twas the Tinth Division, so it
+was, the brave boys comin' back afther
+fightin' the Turks, bad luck to them f'r
+haythens! F'r didn't Lord <span class="sc">Kitchener</span>
+himself go out to see thim at the
+Dardnells, and ses he, 'What's the
+use of wastin' brave throops here?
+We'll lave the English to clane up the
+threnches,' and on that they packs
+the Irish off and marches thim
+thousands of miles intil Siberia. Ah!
+'twas the dhrop thim Germins got
+when they came shtrugglin' along wan
+day and run up aginst the ould Tinth
+agin. There was tarrible slaughter
+that day, and the inimy bruk in great
+disorther, and is now trying to escape
+down the Sewers into the Canal."</p>
+
+<p>"Well now, Mrs. Ryan, that's grand
+news ye do be tellin'. 'Tis fair wandherful
+how well up in it y' are. But
+will ye tell me now what would the
+English be doin' all this time? Surely
+ye don't mane to say that the whole
+av th' Army bees Irish?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all, Mrs. Flanagan, not at
+all. But the <i>fightin'</i> rigimints is
+mostly Irish. Ye see, th' Army has to
+be fed, and the threnches has to be
+claned and drained, and so on, and the
+English does the cookin' and clanin'
+for the Irish. But anny fightin' that's
+done is done bo th' Irish rigimints, as
+is well known to be the best fighters
+in the worrld."</p>
+
+<p>"But will ye tell me now, what's
+this I hear about making the English
+go into the Army be description?"</p>
+
+<p>"Is ut <i>con</i>scription ye mane? Shure,
+'tis like this. Furst of all there was
+inlistment be groups. Himself tould
+me all about it. Over there, there was
+no inlistin' as there was over here.
+Shure, in Dublin alone we have three
+recruitin' offices, to say nothin' of th'
+recruitin' thram. Ah! 'tis a fine sight
+to see the thram, Mrs. Flanagan, going
+up and down the sthreets o' Dublin,
+with the flags and the fine coloured
+posthers plasthered on ut, and divil a
+wan ever in ut, bekase why? there
+isn't a sowl lift in the city, and what
+is lift is bein' held back by the polis
+at the recruitin' office in Brunswick
+Sthreet. Well, as I was tellin' yez, in
+England there was no recruitin' like
+that. It got so that there was just
+wan recruitin' office left, as the other
+three had to be closed, bekase no wan
+came. Ye see, all the young men were
+down at the poorts, gettin' their tickets
+to Ameriky.</p>
+
+<p>"'This,' ses one of the English Lords&mdash;a
+felly be the name o' Derby&mdash;'this,'
+ses he, 'is tarrible. If the inimy hears
+o' this, all the Irish in the worrld and
+in Ameriky won't save us.'</p>
+
+<p>"So he gets out a scheme&mdash;he's a
+tarrible ould schemer is that wan&mdash;whereby,
+ye see, ivery man in England
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page76" id="page76"></a>[pg 76]</span>
+was to inlist to sarve when he was
+called up, and they were to be made
+up intil groups, an' the married men
+was to be put intil the lasht group.
+The advantage o' that was that it intimidated
+th' inimy, bekase a man
+looks more whin he is called a group.
+Thin the ould schemer arranged that
+these groups should get armlets, somethin'
+like a sling, so, whin a man was
+called up in a group, he could show the
+sling he was wearin' and he'd be put
+intil a later group. Ah! 'twas a grand
+scheme! Ye see, the limit of militry
+age bees now forthy-wan, and supposing
+there was a million men in ivery group
+(and I was tould there was more) that
+was forthy-wan million!"</p>
+
+<p>"Glory be to God, Mrs. Ryan, but
+that's a tarrible number!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ye say right, Mrs. Flanagan. But
+look you here, ivery time a group was
+called up and the men was put back
+intil a later group, it made more men
+for the later groups, until, ye see, whin
+they called up the lasht group there 'd
+be forthy-wan times as many men at
+the ind as at the beginnin'. That was
+the scheme for puttin' the fear o' God
+intil thim Germins."</p>
+
+<p>"Thin will ye tell me, Mrs. Ryan,
+why didn't they shtick till it?"</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis harrd to explain, Mrs. Flanagan,
+and here we are at me door. I'll take
+the porther bottles, thank ye kindly,
+Ma'am. Well, this was the way av it.
+When they shtarted the recruitin' av
+the groups they found that 'twas too
+many officers they were afther gettin'.
+I heard there was half a million as had
+to be given their shtars! An' I needn't
+be afther tellin' ye, Mrs. Flanagan, that
+even with all the millions of Irish out
+there, there wouldn't be room for five
+hundred thousand officers to lead thim.
+Besides which every wan knows that
+the Irish don't want leadin'. 'Tis
+thim shows the way whin it comes to
+a charrge. An' sure, as it is, all the
+Ginirals, exceptin' for an odd wan or
+two, bees Irish!"</p>
+
+<p>"Is that you, Biddy? Will yez come
+in out of that now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Och, that's Himself now. He must
+be betther! Good-day to yez, Mrs.
+Flanagan, and many thanks to ye."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Cause and Effect.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Peace Speakers pelted with Ochre</span>.</p>
+
+<p>The speakers on the platform had a curried
+consultation."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"One may say of Kitchener's Army (at any
+rate of the rank and file I have acquaintance
+with here in Gaul) that it <i>est omnia in duo
+partes divisa</i> (with apologies to C&aelig;sar)."</p>
+
+<p><i>Morning Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><span class="sc">C&aelig;sar's</span> commentary on this would be
+worth reading.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TRUTHFUL JAMES.</h2>
+
+<p>The Staff of <i>The Muddleton Weekly
+Gazette</i>, having disguised himself as an
+ordinary citizen, entered the local hospital
+in quest of copy. His keen eye
+immediately singled out a man of
+solemn, careworn aspect, and to him
+he directed his footsteps. Two clear
+grey eyes looked into his, and his
+greeting was answered politely, though
+without enthusiasm. Then, exerting
+all the skill and adroitness which had
+marked him out for forty years as a
+coming man in the journalistic world,
+the visitor put the soldier gradually at
+his ease and tactfully induced him to
+recount his experiences.</p>
+
+<p>"I could tell you lots of things what
+would astonish you, Sir," began the
+convalescent. "Six months in the
+trenches gives you plenty of time to
+pick up tales&mdash;and invent them, too;
+but I don't hold with that. A little
+exaggeration helps things along, as old
+Wolff says, but when he goes beyond
+I'm not with him. No lies&mdash;not for
+Truthful James. That's me, Sir. They
+call me that in B Company; James
+being the name what my godfathers
+and godmothers give me, and Truthful
+being as you might say an identification
+mark."</p>
+
+<p>The other nodded and waited in
+silence.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing much happened to me for
+the first three months, but then we was
+moved further South and a new Sub.
+joined us. Name of Williamson. Do
+you know him, Sir? Second-Lieutenant
+J. J. C. de V. Williamson was his
+full war paint. Ah, it's a pity you
+don't. Quite a kid he was, but he
+could tell you off as free and flowing as
+a blooming General, and never repeat
+himself for ten minutes. He stirred
+things up considerable&mdash;specially the
+enemy. Sniping was his game; two
+hours regular every morning, with a
+Sergeant to spot for him and a Corporal
+to bring him drinks at intervals of ten
+minutes to keep him cool. He kept
+count of the Huns he had outed by
+notches on the post of his dug-out.
+Every time he rang the bell he'd cut
+up a notch, and before he'd been with
+us a month you could have used that
+post as a four-foot saw.</p>
+
+<p>"Naturally the Huns were riled.
+You see, we was a salient and they was
+a salient, and there wasn't more than a
+hundred yards between us. We could
+hear them eating quite plainly, when
+they had anything to eat, and when
+they hadn't they smoked cigars which
+smelt worse than all the gas they ever
+squirted. One day the Sub. strolls up
+for his morning practice and sees a
+huge sign above the enemy trench:
+'Don't shoot. We are Saxons.' They
+had relieved the Prussians and they
+was moving about above their trenches
+as free as a Band of Hope Saturday
+excursion.</p>
+
+<p>"'Until anyone proves the contrary,'
+says our Sub., 'I maintain that Saxons
+is Germans.' Moreover, says he, 'war
+is war,' and he had to cut up three
+more notches on his post afore he could
+make them understand that his attitude
+was hostile. When they did grasp it
+they began to strafe us, and they kep' it
+up hard all day. When night come our
+Sub. decided he'd had enough. 'Boys,' he
+says to us, 'one hour before the crimson
+sun shoots forth his flaming rays from
+out of the glowing East them Germans
+is going to be shifted from that trench.
+We ain't a-going to make a frontal
+attack,' he says, 'because some of us
+might have the misfortune to tear our
+tunics on the enemy entanglements,
+and housewives is scarce. We are
+going to crawl along that hollow on the
+flank and enfilade the blighters.'</p>
+
+<p>"So we puts a final polish on our
+bainets and waits. Bimeby we starts
+out, Sergeant leading the way. We
+wriggled through the mud like Wapping
+eels at low tide for the best part of an
+hour, and at last we got to their trench
+and halted to listen. There wasn't a
+sound to be heard; nobody snoring,
+nobody babbling of beer in his sleep;
+only absolute silence. Sergeant was
+lying next to me and I distinctly heard
+his heart miss several beats. Then all
+at once we leaps into the air, gives a
+yell fit to make any German wish he'd
+never been born, and falls into their
+trench, doing bainet drill like it would
+have done your heart good to see. But
+we stops it as quick as we begun, because
+there wasn't a single man in that
+trench. Not one, Sir.</p>
+
+<p>"After a awkward pause, 'The birds
+have flown,' says our Sub., sorrowful
+like, as if he'd asked some friends to
+dinner and the cat had eat the meat.</p>
+
+<p>"'I think, Sir,' says Sergeant, 'that
+they've abandoned this trench as being
+untenable, and probably left a few
+mines behind for us.' I didn't like that.
+I thought our trench was a much
+nicer trench in every way, and I felt it
+was time to think of going back, when
+suddenly we hears a norrible yell come
+up from our trench and sounds of
+blokes jumping about. Yes, Sir, the
+Germans had made an attack on our
+trench at the same time, only they had
+gone round by the other flank, where
+there was some trees to help them.</p>
+
+<p>"So there they was in our trench,
+and we in theirs, and dawn just beginning
+to break. There was only one
+thing to do. We went back, hoping
+they would wait for us; but they hopped
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page77" id="page77"></a>[pg 77]</span>
+it quick, same way as they come, and
+so we finished up just as we was when
+we started, except for mud. Our Sub.
+was wild with rage, and he hustled
+about all the morning looking for defaulters,
+his face as black as the
+Kayser's soul; and he even went so
+far as to curse a Machine Gun Section,
+which shows you better than words
+what he felt like. D Company, when
+they come to relieve us, wouldn't believe
+a word of it, not till I told them.
+They had to then, because they knew
+what my name was. James, Sir, and
+Truthful as a sort of appendix."</p>
+
+<p>"And there were others, of course, to
+corroborate your story?"</p>
+
+<p>"To what, Sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"To swear to the truth of it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh yes. They swore to it all right.
+Again and again. But that was nothing
+to what happened in the same trench
+when we come back from billets. It
+was like this here. Our Sub....
+What's that you say, Bill?" He broke
+off. "Time for visitors to leave?"</p>
+
+<p>The Orderly explained that it was so,
+and, after a cordial leave-taking on the
+part of the visitor, saw him out and
+returned.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know who that was, Jim?"
+he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Soon as he started pumping me,"
+replied James, "I offered myself a
+hundred quid to a bob on his being a
+noospaper man, but there was no taker
+at the price, bobs being scarce and me
+having a dead cert. Suppose I shall be
+in the local paper on Saturday, Bill?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes. Thrilling Tales from the
+Trenches, number forty-three."</p>
+
+<p>"Pity he had to go so soon," sighed
+James. "I was only just beginning to
+get into my stride."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/077.png"><img width="100%" src="images/077.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Cheerful One</i> (<i>to newcomer, on being asked what
+the trenches are like</i>). "<span class="sc">If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer
+keeps down yer gets drowned; if yer moves about yer get shelled; and if
+yer stands still yer gets court-martialled for frost-bite</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From the current Directory of the
+London Telephone Service:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>"FOREIGN SERVICES (FRANCE, BELGIUM AND SWITZERLAND).</p>
+<p>
+Communication may be obtained between
+London and Paris (including the suburbs),
+Brussels, Antwerp, Basle, Geneva, Lausanne,
+and certain provincial towns in France and
+Belgium. Full particulars may be obtained
+on application to the Controller."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We are afraid these facilities, as far as
+Belgium is concerned, will shortly be
+withdrawn. The new Postmaster-General
+has heard that there is a
+war on.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Winter Laying Strain pure bred White
+Leghorn Cockerels; record layers: 5s."</p>
+
+<p><i>Bath &amp; Wilts Chronicle.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Smith minor's translation of <i>ab ovo
+usque ad mala</i> is thus justified: "It is
+up to the males to lay eggs."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"'Thundering' and 'nous' are two of the
+expressive words of which Sir Ian Hamilton
+made use of in his Suvla Bay report. It was
+the Royal Artillery that did 'thundering good
+shooting.' 'Nous,' meaning gumption, is a
+word greatly in use in Lancashire."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Mirror.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It has also been met with in Greece.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Two labourers employed by the &mdash;&mdash; Distillery
+Company fell a distance of fifty feet
+into a barley vat yesterday, and when released
+were found to be suffering from carbolic acid
+poisoning."&mdash;<i>Weekly Dispatch.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This paragraph will no doubt be freely
+quoted by temperance advocates as
+showing what whiskey is really made of.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a notice issued by the Sydney
+Chamber of Commerce:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The Fair, which will be officially opened
+by His Excellency the Governor, will be held
+at the Town Hall, and will be followed by a
+Luncheon. Space will be allotted by the foot
+frontage from 10/- to 15/-."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>An excellent idea for City dinners.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page78" id="page78"></a>[pg 78]</span>
+
+<h2>"DULCE ET DECORUM."</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>O young and brave, it is not sweet to die,</p>
+<p class="i2">To fall and leave no record of the race,</p>
+<p>A little dust trod by the passers-by,</p>
+<p class="i2">Swift feet that press your lonely resting-place;</p>
+<p>Your dreams unfinished, and your song unheard&mdash;</p>
+<p>Who wronged your youth by such a careless word?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>All life was sweet&mdash;veiled mystery in its smile;</p>
+<p class="i2">High in your hands you held the brimming cup;</p>
+<p>Love waited at your bidding for a while,</p>
+<p class="i2">Not yet the time to take its challenge up;</p>
+<p>Across the sunshine came no faintest breath</p>
+<p>To whisper of the tragedy of death.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And then, beneath the soft and shining blue,</p>
+<p class="i2">Faintly you heard the drum's insistent beat;</p>
+<p>The echo of its urgent note you knew,</p>
+<p class="i2">The shaken earth that told of marching feet;</p>
+<p>With quickened breath you heard your country's call,</p>
+<p>And from your hands you let the goblet fall.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>You snatched the sword, and answered as you went,</p>
+<p class="i2">For fear your eager feet should be outrun,</p>
+<p>And with the flame of your bright youth unspent</p>
+<p class="i2">Went shouting up the pathway to the sun.</p>
+<p>O valiant dead, take comfort where you lie.</p>
+<p>So sweet to live? Magnificent to die!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE LECTURE.</h2>
+
+<p>"Francesca," I said, "will you do me&mdash;I mean, will you
+accept a favour from me?"</p>
+
+<p>"If," she said, "your Majesty deigns to grant one there
+can be no question of my accepting it. It will fall on me
+and I shall have to submit to it."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said, "it's this way. You know I'm going to&mdash;a-hem!&mdash;deliver
+a lecture at Faringham next Monday?"</p>
+
+<p>"I gathered," she said, "that you were up to something
+from the amount of books you were piling up on your
+writing-table. Besides you've been complaining of the ink
+a good deal, and that's always a bad sign."</p>
+
+<p>"Hadn't I mentioned Faringham and the lecture?"</p>
+
+<p>"You had distantly alluded to something impending and
+you had looked at the A.B.C. several times, but it stopped
+at that."</p>
+
+<p>"How careless of me!" I said. "I know I meant to tell
+you all about it."</p>
+
+<p>"You didn't make your meaning clear. It's all part of
+the secretiveness of men. They tell one nothing and
+then they're offended if we don't anticipate all their
+movements."</p>
+
+<p>"We will," I said, "let that pass. It is an unjust
+remark, but I will not retaliate. Anyhow, I now inform
+you formally and officially that I am going to Faringham
+on Monday in order to deliver a lecture on 'Poetry in its
+Relation to Life,' before the Faringham Literary Association.
+It is one of the most famous Associations in the world and
+has a large lecture-hall capable of seating one thousand
+people comfortably."</p>
+
+<p>"But why," she said, "did they ask <i>you</i> to lecture?"</p>
+
+<p>"They must," I said, "have heard of me somewhere and
+guessed that I had wonderful latent capacities as a lecturer.
+Some men have, you know."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," she said, "let's hope you're one of that sort,
+and that you'll bring all your capacities out on Monday.
+Aren't you nervous?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," I said, "not exactly nervous; but I shall be glad
+when it's well over."</p>
+
+<p>"So shall I," she said. "The ink will be gradually
+getting better now, and there won't be so many troubles
+about the A.B.C. being mislaid."</p>
+
+<p>"No book," I said, "was ever so much mislaid as that.
+I put it down on the sofa two minutes ago and it has now
+vanished completely."</p>
+
+<p>"It has flown to the window-seat," she said.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah," I said, "and if we give it two minutes more it
+will fly into the dining-room."</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind," she said; "there shall be A.B.C.'s in
+every room till you depart for Faringham. That's poetry."</p>
+
+<p>"But it has no relation to life," I said. "It is not
+sincere, as all true poetry must be."</p>
+
+<p>"'At this point,'" she said in a quoting voice, "'the
+lecturer was much affected, and his audience showed their
+sympathy with him by loud cheers.' Will there be much
+of that sort of thing?"</p>
+
+<p>"There will be a good deal of it," I said with dignity.
+"The lecture is to last for an hour exactly."</p>
+
+<p>"A whole hour?" she said. "Isn't that taking a mean
+advantage of the Faringham people?"</p>
+
+<p>"They," I said, "can go out if they like, but I must go
+on. Francesca, may I read the lecture to you, so as to see
+if I've got it the right length?"</p>
+
+<p>"So that's what you've been driving at," she said.
+"Well, fire away&mdash;no, stop till I've fetched the children in.
+You'll have a better audience with them."</p>
+
+<p>"Need those innocent ones suffer?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"They are young," she said, "and must learn to endure."</p>
+
+<p>The consequence was that all the four children, from
+Muriel aged sixteen, to Frederick aged eight, were fetched
+in and told they were going to have a treat such as few
+children had ever had; that they were going to hear a
+lecture on "Poetry in its Relation to Life"; that they
+must cheer loudly every now and then, but not interrupt
+otherwise, and that there would be a chocolate for each of
+them at the end. In addition Frederick was told that if
+he felt he really couldn't stand any more of it he was to
+leave the room very quietly, and that this wouldn't interfere
+with the chocolate. Thereupon the lecture started. At the
+end of the seventh minute Frederick rose, bent his body
+double and tiptoed out of the room. He was a great loss,
+for, as Muriel remarked afterwards, he represented two
+hundred of the audience of a thousand. The rest, however,
+stuck it out heroically, and danced for joy when it came to
+an end in one hour exactly. Frederick was afterwards
+discovered writing poetry on his own account in the school-room.
+As an illustration of the far-reaching influence of
+a lecture I may cite two of his stanzas:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Summer is coming,</p>
+<p>Then the bees will be humming,</p>
+<p class="i4">Birds will be flying,</p>
+<p class="i4">And girls will be buying,</p>
+<p class="i4">And boys will be running;</p>
+<p>Oh, hail! Summer is coming.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Summer is coming,</p>
+<p>Then the fox will be cunning,</p>
+<p class="i4">And all will be glad,</p>
+<p class="i4">And none will be sad,</p>
+<p class="i2">And I hope none will be mad,</p>
+<p class="i2">And I hope none will be bad;</p>
+<p>Oh, hail! Summer is coming!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>This may be premature and, as to the fox, incorrect,
+since he requires but little cunning in the summer; but
+there is a good <span class="sc">Browning</span> flavour about it which redeems
+all errors.</p>
+
+<p>R. C. L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Commercial Candour.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"There are large stocks of Tailor Costumes Ready-to-Wear, in the
+old reliable materials. These cannot last long."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page79" id="page79"></a>[pg 79]</span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>Not once or twice have I paid tribute to the craftsmanship
+of Mr. <span class="sc">Neil Lyons</span>, generally as a portrayer of mean
+urban streets and their inhabitants. His latest volume,
+however, <i>Moby Lane and Thereabouts</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>), finds him at
+large in the Sussex countryside. But the old skill and
+quick-witted charm serve him equally in these different
+surroundings. Mr. <span class="sc">Lyons</span>, as I have noticed before, achieves
+his ingenious effects not only by the quaint unexpected
+things he says but equally by the things that he skilfully
+omits to say. As an example of the second method I might
+cite one of the best of the sketches in the book, that called
+"Viaduct View," after the name of the detestable and
+dreary little house which a loving aunt has preserved for
+the problematical return of the nephew who would certainly
+not endure it for two days. This shows Mr. <span class="sc">Lyons</span>
+at his best&mdash;sympathetic, subtle and gently ironical. I am
+not saying that every one of the thirty-seven chapters is
+on the same high level. "Befriending Her Ladyship," for
+instance, a story that tells how a cottage-dweller repaid
+in kind the interfering house-inspection of the lady from
+the Hall, though amusingly told, is neither original in idea
+nor quite fair in execution. Throughout I found indeed
+that Mr. <span class="sc">Lyons's</span> natural good-humour and sympathy were
+severely tried when they came in contact with squires
+and the ruling classes; and that now and then he was
+unable to resist the temptation to burlesque. But for one
+thing at least he deserves unstinted praise; I know of no
+other writer who can transfer, as he can, the genuine
+flavour of dialect into print.  Try reading some of the
+<i>Moby Lane</i> dialogue aloud and you will see what I mean.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>If spacious hobbies make for happiness then is Sir
+<span class="sc">Martin Conway</span> the happiest of men. He has been before
+us at various times of his crowded life, now as an undaunted
+peak-compeller in Alps and Himalayas, or skiing over
+Arctic glaciers, or pushing forward into hazardous depths
+of Tierra del Fuego; now sitting authoritative in the <span class="sc">Slade</span>
+Chair at Cambridge, or contesting an election, or restoring
+an old castle, or picking up priceless primitives for paltry
+pence in Paduan pawnshops; and always as a resourceful
+author setting it all down (in a couple of dozen books or
+so) with an easy-flowing pen incapable of boring. In <i>The
+Crowd in Peace and War</i> (<span class="sc">Longmans</span>) he makes his bow
+as the political philosopher. It is a lively essay packed
+with observation, reflection, modern instances; it intrigues
+us with audacious and disputable generalisations, acute
+criticism, and a liberal temper. Solemnity and dulness are
+banished from it, and it might well serve as a light pendant
+to the admirable <i>Human Nature in Politics</i> of Mr. <span class="sc">Graham
+Wallas</span>. Let no student (and no mandarin either) neglect
+it. And we others, however scornful we may profess to be,
+are all at heart desperately interested in the confounded
+thing called politics, and can all appreciate this shrewd
+analysis of the vices and virtues of the crowd "which lacks
+reason but possesses faith," whose despotism is now on
+trial as once was that of our kings&mdash;"unlimited crowddom
+being as wretched a state as unlimited monarchy." As
+a dose of politics without tears I unreservedly commend
+this book.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page80" id="page80"></a>[pg 80]</span>
+
+<p>I am like Mr. <span class="sc">Jacobs'</span> <i>Night Watchman</i>; it's very hard
+to deceive me. I had read only a few pages of Miss <span class="sc">Una
+Silberrad's</span> <i>The Mystery of Barnard Hanson</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>)
+when I guessed who had done the murder. Unfortunately,
+when I had read a few pages more, I found that I had
+picked the wrong person. Then I accused another character
+on perfectly good circumstantial evidence, and he was
+not the man. After that I decided to withdraw from the
+detective business and let Miss <span class="sc">Silberrad</span> unravel her
+mystery for herself. If you are of the opinion that a woman
+cannot keep a secret read <i>The Mystery of Barnard Hanson</i>
+and become convinced that Miss <span class="sc">Silberrad</span> at least is an
+exception. If I have ever read a more perfectly sustained
+mystery novel I cannot recall it. There is just a chance
+that in the last few pages you may get on the right track,
+but, if you are honest with yourself, you will have to admit
+that you did it simply by a process of elimination, after
+you had made an ass of yourself
+and arrested every innocent
+person in the book on suspicion.
+I think it is Miss <span class="sc">Silberrad's</span>
+manner that throws the detective
+reader out of his stride.
+She is so detached. She conveys
+the impression that she
+herself is just as puzzled as you
+are, and that, for all she knows,
+<i>Barnard Hanson</i> may have been
+murdered by somebody who is
+not in the book at all. In other
+words she gives her story just
+that reality which a murder
+mystery has when unfolded day
+by day in the papers. I confess
+that, when I unwrapped the
+book and found that a polished
+artist like Miss <span class="sc">Silberrad</span> had
+written a detective story, I was
+a little shocked; but I need
+not have been. There are no
+dummies in this novel. Each
+character is as excellently drawn
+as if delineation of character
+were the author's main object;
+and in the matter of style there
+is no concession to the tastes
+of the cruder public which makes murder novels its staple
+diet.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"><a href="images/080.png"><img width="100%" src="images/080.png" alt=""/></a><p><i>Mistress.</i> "<span class="sc">I see you had a card from your
+young man at the Front, Mary.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Mary.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes'm. And wasn't it a saucy one! I wonder it passed
+the sentry.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In her preface to <i>Morlac of Gascony</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) Mrs.
+<span class="sc">Stepney Rawson</span> apologizes for producing an historical
+novel in these days when the present rather than the
+past is occupying people's minds. But a good historical
+novel is never really untimely, and <i>Morlac of Gascony</i> is
+not only well written but deals with a period of English
+history not often exploited by the historical novelist&mdash;the
+days of <span class="sc">Edward the First</span>, when the future of England as
+a naval power rested on the energy and determination of
+the sailors of the Cinque Ports. Although <i>Jehan Morlac</i>,
+the young Gascon, is the principal character in the story
+the most arresting figure is that of <span class="sc">Edward</span> himself, as
+dexterous a piece of character-drawing as I have come upon
+in historical fiction for some time. The plot is cleverly
+constructed to throw a high light on one of the most interesting
+personalities in the history of the English monarchy.
+We see <span class="sc">Edward</span> as a young man, wild, reckless and brutal;
+then, grown to his full powers and sobered by responsibility,
+making by sheer force of character something abiding
+and coherent out of the strange welter of warring factions
+from which Great Britain emerged as a united kingdom.
+Wales was a hot-bed of rebellion, Scotland the "plague-spot
+of the North," the Cinque Ports on the verge of going
+over to France. Only a strong man, with strong men
+under him, could have saved England then. <i>Morlac of
+Gascony</i> is not the easy reading which many people insist
+on in novels which deal with the past, and for this reason
+it may not be so popular as some historical novels of far
+less merit; but if you are prepared to make something of
+an effort to carry the trenches of the earlier portion of the
+story you will have your reward.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I suppose that what a <span class="sc">Crawford</span> doesn't know about
+Roman society may fairly be dismissed as negligible.
+Therefore the name of <span class="sc">J. Crawford Fraser</span> (in association
+with Mrs. <span class="sc">Hugh Fraser</span>) on the title-page of <i>Her
+Italian Marriage</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) is a sufficient guarantee
+that the local colour at least will
+be the genuine article. And it
+happens that the scheme of the
+tale, the union between a Roman
+of the old nobility and an American
+girl, makes the local colour
+of special significance. It was
+just this matter of doing as the
+Romans do that <i>Elsie Trant</i>
+found at first one of life's little
+difficulties. There is a very
+pleasant scene of the dinner-party
+at which she was formally
+presented to her husband's
+family; the contrast in atmospheres
+between that of the
+new-risen West and that of the
+severely Papal circles to which
+<i>Prince Pietro</i> belonged being
+suggested most happily. I wish,
+though, the authors had been
+content to leave it at that, as
+a social comedy about pleasant
+people getting to understand
+one another. In an ill-inspired
+moment, however, they decided
+to have a dramatic plot, and
+truth compels me to say that
+this is a dreary affair, tricked
+out with such dust-laden devices as secret marriages,
+missing heirs and concealed papers. There is a steward
+person who alternately is and isn't the rightful Prince, as
+we delve deeper into the revelations. Finally, if I followed
+the intrigue correctly, the long arm of coincidence brought
+it about that <i>Elsie's</i> mother was the eloping wife of <i>Pietro's</i>
+uncle. Frankly, all this bored me, because we readers
+could have been so much more profitably engaged in
+renewing our Roman memories under such expert guidance.
+But of course this is a merely personal opinion, which you
+may not share.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>AUSTRALIAN CORPS.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Sydney.</span>&mdash;Timely rains have saved the early corps."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The later ones also are now quite recruited, thank you.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">French Official.</span>&mdash;Between the Argonne and the Meuse our
+heavy huns destroyed an enemy blockhouse in the region of Forges."</p>
+
+<p><i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Stout fellows, these German renegades.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Henley</span> (near).&mdash;Gentleman offers land, piggeries, poultry-houses
+to lady or gentleman as guest. Pleasant home."&mdash;<i>The Lady.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>The gentleman to the lady</i>: "Will you occupy a piggery or
+a poultry-house?"</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, January 26, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2274 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150,
+January 26, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 150, January 26, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 15, 2007 [EBook #22612]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150.
+
+January 26, 1916.
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+Some idea of the financial straits in which English people find
+themselves may be gathered from the statement that the first forced
+strawberries of the season fetched no more than ten shillings a pound.
+The Germans proudly point out that their forced loans fetched more than
+that.
+
+       * * *
+
+A kindly M.P. has suggested that our German naval prisoners should be
+employed in making the projected the ship canal between the Firths of
+Forth and Clyde. At present they suffer terribly from a form of
+nostalgia known as canal-sickness.
+
+       * * *
+
+Owing to the scarcity of hay in the Budapest Zoo the herbivorous animals
+are being fed on chestnuts, and several local humorous papers have been
+obliged to suspend publication.
+
+       * * *
+
+As the two Polar bears refused to flourish on a war-diet they were
+condemned to death, and a Hungarian sportsman paid twelve pounds for the
+privilege of shooting them. No arrangements have yet been concluded for
+finishing off the Russian variety.
+
+       * * *
+
+Old saw, adapted by an American journalist: Call no one happy until he
+is HEARST.
+
+       * * *
+
+We all know that marriage is a lottery. But the New Zealand paper which
+headed an announcement of President WILSON'S engagement, "Wild
+Speculation," was, we trust, taking an unduly gloomy view.
+
+       * * *
+
+The fact that the POSTMASTER-GENERAL and the ASSISTANT
+POSTMASTER-GENERAL are as like as two PEASES was bound to cause a
+certain amount of confusion. Still we hardly think it justified a Welsh
+paper in placing a notice of their achievements under the heading: "Pea
+Soup and Salt Beef: 300 Sailors Poisoned."
+
+       * * *
+
+In the endeavour to decide authoritatively what is a new-laid egg the
+Board of Agriculture has sought information from various sources, but is
+reported to be still sitting. There is some fear that the definition
+will be addled.
+
+       * * *
+
+In tendering birthday congratulations to Mr. AUSTIN DOBSON a
+contemporary noted that "many of his most charming poems and essays were
+written amid; their the prosaic surroundings of the Board of Trade," and
+described him as "a fine example of a poet rising above his
+environment." Mr. EDMUND GOSSE, who was a colleague of Mr. DOBSON at
+Whitehall Gardens during his most tuneful period, is inclined to think
+this last remark uncalled for.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is estimated that 843,920 house-holders read with secret joy the
+paragraph in last week's papers stating that spring-cleaning is likely
+to cost the housekeeper this year considerably more than usual both for
+materials and labour; that 397,413 of them repeated it to their wives,
+suggesting that here was a chance for a real war-economy; and that one
+(a deaf man) persisted in the suggestion after his wife had given her
+views on the subject.
+
+       * * *
+
+On reading that London people spend on an average seven shillings a year
+in theatre-tickets, a manager expressed the opinion that according to
+his experience this calculation was not quite fair. Account should also
+have been taken of the very large sum which they expend on stamps when
+writing for free admissions.
+
+       * * *
+
+It is evident that recent events have had a chastening effect upon
+Bulgarian ambitions. After receiving a field-marshal's baton from the
+KAISER, KING FERDINAND is reported to have expressed his hope that by
+co-operation their countries would obtain that to which they had a
+right. The KAISER then left Nish in a hurry.
+
+       * * *
+
+From El Paso (Texas) comes news that a band of Mexican bandits stopped a
+train near Chicuabar, seized seventeen persons, stripped them of
+clothing, robbed them, and then shot them dead. There is some talk of
+their being elected Honorary Germans.
+
+       * * *
+
+China has sent a trial lot of small brown eggs packed in sawdust to this
+country, and it is thought that after all we shall be able to have a
+General Election.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Private Jones_ (_crawling out after being buried by a
+shell explosion_). "Silly 'orse-play, _I_ calls it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
+
+    "The able organisation which resulted in Hell being evacuated
+    with just as complete success and the same absence of loss as at
+    Suvla and Anzac, relieves what might otherwise be the rather
+    melancholy spectacle of the winding up of this enterprise."
+
+    _Morning Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an article by Mr. JOHN LAYLAND on his visit to the Fleet:--
+
+    "One would like to describe much more than one has seen, but
+    that is impossible."--_Morning Paper._
+
+Some other Correspondents have found no such difficulty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lady Secretary Required, for about two hours early every
+    morning, by lady doctor living near the Marble Arch; rapid
+    shorthand essential; preference given to a possessor of healthy
+    teeth."
+
+    _Advt. in "The Times."_
+
+It looks as if the lady-secretary's luncheon would be a tough
+proposition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Our Correspondent endorses the Russian official claim to have
+    captured the heights north-east of Czernowitz."--_Morning
+    Paper._
+
+The Correspondent's condescension is no doubt greatly appreciated by our
+Allies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Answer to a correspondent:--
+
+    "'Enquirer.'--It is pronounced 'communeek.'"--_"Examiner,"
+    Launceston, Tasmania._
+
+But not in the best circles.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODERNISING LAST YEAR'S SKIRT.
+
+    Another simple and practical way of doing it would be, if the
+    skirt is quite plain, to lift it well from the top, and set it
+    neatly on to a band, so making the skirt shorter as well as
+    fuller. Eight inches is not considered too short for present
+    wear, though personally I think six inches a more graceful
+    length. However, do not be tempted to wear a very short skirt
+    unless you are the possessor of well-shaped feet and
+    ankles.--_The Woman's Magazine_.
+
+But what about knees?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Babu's letter of excuse:--
+
+    "Sir,--As my wife's temper is not well since last night, on
+    account of that I am unable to attend office to-day. Kindly
+    excuse my absence and grant me one day's causual leave."
+
+In the circumstances Caudle leave would have been a happier form of
+holiday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO GET UP A HOLY WAR
+
+(German Style).
+
+    [The Special Correspondent of _The Times_ at Salonica states
+    that "among the documents examined at the Consulate of his
+    Catholic and Apostolic Majesty of Austria are 1,500 copies of a
+    long proclamation in Arabic to the Chiefs of the Senussis,
+    inciting them to a Holy War on non-Germanic Christendom." The
+    proclamation purports to be composed by one of the Faithful, but
+    "its pseudo-Oriental wording clearly betrays its Germanic
+    authorship."]
+
+    In Allah's name, Senussis! Allah's name!
+  Please note the Holy War that we proclaim!
+  High at the main we hoist our sacred banner
+  (Forgive my pseudo-Oriental manner);
+  For now the psychologic _Tag_ has come
+  To put the final lid on Christendom,
+  Always excepting that peculiar part
+  Which has the hopes of Musulmans at heart.
+  For lo! this noble race (its Chief has said it;
+  Else would it seem almost too good to credit),
+  Prompted by generous instincts, undertakes
+  To waive its scruples and for your sweet sakes,
+  Indifferent to private gain or loss,
+  To help the Crescent overthrow the Cross.
+
+    Christians they are, I own, this Teuton tribe,
+  Yet not too Christian. I could here inscribe
+  A tale of feats performed with pious hands
+  On those who crossed their path in Christian lands
+  Which, even where Armenia kissed his rod,
+  Would put to shame The Very Shadow of God.
+  You must not therefore feel a pained surprise
+  At having Christian dogs for your allies;
+  For there are dogs _and_ dogs; and, though the base
+  Bull terrier irks you, 'tis a different case
+  When gentle dachshunds jump to your embrace.
+
+    If crudely you remark: "A holy win
+  May suit our friends, but where do we come in?"
+  My answer is: "Apart from any boom
+  Islam secures by sealing England's doom,
+  We shall, if we survive the coming clash,
+  Collect papyrus notes in lieu of cash;
+  And, if we perish, as we may indeed,
+  We have a goodly future guaranteed,
+  With houris waiting in Valhalla's pile"
+  (Pardon my pseudo-Oriental style).
+
+  These are the joys, of which I give the gist,
+  Secured to those who trust the KAISER's fist,
+  Which to the infidel is hard as nails
+  Or eagles' claws whereat the coney quails,
+  But to the Faithful, such as you, Senussis,
+  Is softer than the velvet paws of pussies.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a story in _The Glasgow Herald_:--
+
+    "'He had his feathers ruffled that time, anyway,' laughed my
+    husband, as he followed me whistling into the house."
+
+It isn't every woman that has a husband who can talk and laugh and
+whistle all at once. Was he the clever man in the French tale, we
+wonder, who chanted a Scottish air, accompanying himself on the
+bag-pipes?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Fire has broken out in an oven in Kafr Zarb, near Suez,
+    completely destroying the fire brigade extinguishing the blaze."
+
+    _Egyptian Mail._
+
+Serve them right for their officiousness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Experienced Ruler (female); permanency."
+
+    _Bristol Times and Mirror._
+
+Might suit a widow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NAUTICAL TERMS FOR ALL.
+
+(_By our Tame Naval Expert._)
+
+It is really surprising what confusion exists in the public mind upon
+the exact significance of such elementary terms as "Command of the Sea,"
+and "A Fleet in Being." Only yesterday evening I was asked by a
+fellow-traveller on the top of a bus why, if we had command of the sea,
+we didn't blow up the Kiel Canal!
+
+It will be as well to begin at the beginning. What is Naval Warfare? It
+is an endeavour by sea-going belligerent units, impregnated (for the
+time being) with a measure of _animus pugnandi_ and furnished with
+offensive weapons, to impose their will upon one another. In rather more
+technical language it may be described as fighting in ships.
+
+Now in order to utilize the sea for one's own purposes and at the same
+time to deny, proscribe, refuse and restrict it to one's enemy it is
+essential to obtain COMMAND. And it must not be overlooked that Command
+of the Sea can only be established in one way--by utilizing or
+threatening to utilize sea-going belligerent units. But we must
+distinguish between Command of the Sea and Sea Supremacy, and again
+between Potential Command, Putative Command and Absolute Command.
+Finally let there be no confusion between the expressions "Command of
+the Sea" and "Control of the Sea," which are entirely different
+things--though both rest securely upon the doctrine of the Fleet in
+Being, which is at the foundation of all true strategy.
+
+This brings us to the question of what is meant by the phrase "A Fleet
+in Being." "To Be or Not to Be" (in Being) is a phrase that has been
+woefully misinterpreted, especially by those who insist on a distinction
+between Being and Doing. There is no such distinction at sea. For a
+fleet to exist as a recognisable instrument is not necessarily for it to
+be in Being. Only by exhibiting a desire to dispute Command at all costs
+can a fleet be said to come into Being. On the other hand, by being in
+Being a fleet does not necessarily obtain command or even partial
+control. This is not simply a question of To Be or Not to Be (in Being).
+
+In explaining these academic principles one always runs the risk of
+being confronted with concrete instances. I shall be asked, "Is the
+German Fleet in Being?" I can only reply that it is in a condition of
+strictly Limited Control (I refer to the Kiel Canal), while the Baltic
+is in Disputed Command so long as the Russian Fleet is Strategically at
+Large.
+
+This brings us to the question of the phrase "Strategically at Large,"
+which has been loosely rendered "On the War-path." Let us say rather
+that any fleet (in Being) which is ready (even without Putative Control)
+to dispute Command is said to be Strategically at Large, so long as it
+is imbued with _animus pugnandi_.
+
+_Animus pugnandi_ is the root of the matter. A fleet is in a state of
+disintegration without it. And so long as the German Fleet's activities
+in the North Sea are confined to peeping out of the Canal to see if the
+foe is in the neighbourhood one must conclude that this ingredient has
+been overlooked in its composition.
+
+BIS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GENERAL UTILITY.
+
+    "Invalided soldier seeks job; domestic and lity. factotum in
+    bachelor menage, or musician, lyrist, dramatist, etc.; house
+    work mornings, lit. asst. afternoons, evenings; ex-officer's
+    servant; fair cook; turned 60, but virile and active; or working
+    librarian, cleaning, etc.; theatrical experience; nominal salary
+    if permanent."
+
+    _Daily Express._
+
+If he hadn't called himself a soldier we should have almost thought he
+was a handy-man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRO PATRIA.
+
+[Illustration: A TRIBUTE TO WOMAN'S WORK IN WAR-TIME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "And where is Jane?"
+
+_Parlourmaid._ "If you please, Ma'am, Jane says she can't come to family
+prayers any more while we have margarine in the kitchen."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ROMANCE OF WAR.
+
+We relieved the Royal What-you-call-'ems under depressing circumstances.
+The front line was getting it in the neck, which is unfair after dark.
+
+As I reached the transport dump a platoon met me led by a Subaltern of
+no mean dimensions. He was conversing with certain ones, seemingly
+officer's servants, who were drawing a hand-cart. He grew suddenly
+excited, then spoke to a Senior Officer, turned, left his platoon and
+ran back at the double to the fire-trench.
+
+It was three-quarters of an hour before we drew near that unpleasant
+bourne. In the imitation communication trench, which began a hundred or
+more yards behind it, we met the Subaltern, hurrying to rejoin his
+platoon, bearing what seemed to be an enormous despatch-box. He said
+"Good night" very politely.
+
+By the time we got up the shelling had slackened. The last remaining
+officer of the Royal What-you-call-'ems stopped to pass the time o'
+night with us.
+
+I asked him if he knew who the Subaltern might be, and what object of
+overwhelming importance he had thus returned to retrieve.
+
+"Yes, that was Billy Blank."
+
+"And what was it he was carrying when we met him?"
+
+"A sort of young Saratoga?"
+
+We nodded. Our informant seemed to hesitate a moment.
+
+"Well," he said at last, "I don't see why you shouldn't know, though
+it's a sort of battalion secret--not that Billy would mind anyone
+knowing. It's his love-letters."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VICARIOUS PROPHYLACTICS.
+
+"How you may dodge the horrible 'Grippe.'"
+
+    "Give your children a cold shower every morning."--_Ottawa
+    Evening Journal._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At the time when Turnbull was asking for the account, and
+    flourishing suggestions as to his ability to pay, there was in
+    the prisoner's bank the sum of sixteen pence."
+
+    _Newcastle Evening Chronicle._
+
+We have reason to believe that there was also an odd shilling or two in
+the bank belonging to other clients.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of "Calls to the Bar in Ireland":--
+
+    "Mr. ---- was awarded the Society's Exhibition of L21 per annum
+    for three roars."
+
+    _Irish Evening Paper._
+
+He seems to have called himself to the Bar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY LINES.
+
+  O semblance of a snail grown paralytic,
+    Concerning whom your victims daily speak
+  In florid language, fearsome and mephitic,
+    Enough to redden any trooper's cheek:
+  Let them, I say, hold forth till all is blue;
+      I take the longer view.
+
+  Not mine it is to curse you for your tedium
+    And frequent stops in search of wayside rest,
+  Nor call you, through the morning papers' medium,
+    A crying scandal and a public pest;
+  I designate you, on the other hand,
+      A bulwark of the land.
+
+  For should the Huns, in final desperation,
+    On our South-Eastern shore dash madly down,
+  'Tis true they might entrain at Dover station,
+    But when, ah, when would they arrive in town?
+  Or would they perish, hungry, lost, and spent,
+      Somewhere in wildest Kent?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY LIFE.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to Mr. G. R. Sims._)
+
+Being a few Foretastes of the Great Feast to follow.
+
+Peering backward into the gulf of time as I sit in my grandfather's
+chair and listen to the tick of my grandfather's clock I see a smaller
+but more picturesque London, in which I shot snipe in Battersea Fields,
+and the hoot of the owl in the Green Park was not yet drowned by the
+hoot of the motor-car--a London of chop-houses, peg-top trousers and
+Dundreary whiskers....
+
+I remember the Derby of Caractacus and the Oaks of Boadicea. Once more I
+see "Eclipse first and the rest nowhere." I remember "OLD Q." and OLD
+PARR, ARNOLD of Rugby and KEATE of Eton, CHARLES LAMB and General WOLFE,
+CHARLES JAMES FOX and MRS. LEO HUNTER; the poets BURNS and TENNYSON, the
+latter of whom gave me my name of "Dagonet."
+
+I think back to a London of trim-built wherries and nankeen pantaloons,
+when _The Times_ cost as much as a dozen oysters, which everyone then
+ate. I remember backing myself in my humorous way to eat sixty "seconds"
+in a minute and winning the bet.
+
+I look back to the time when BETTY, the infant ROSCIUS, and GRIMALDI,
+and NELL GWYNN and COLLEY CIBBER and ROBSON and FECHTER and PEG
+WOFFINGTON were the chief luminaries of the histrionic firmament. I
+remember the _debuts_ of CATALANI and MALIBRAN and PICCOLOMINI and
+Broccolini and Giulio Perkins.
+
+I remember the opening of the Great Exhibition of 1851, the erection of
+DRAYTON'S "Polyolbion," the removal of the Wembley Tower, and the fight
+between BELCHER and the gas-man.
+
+I often think of the battles of Waterloo and Blenheim and Culloden and
+Preston Pans and Cannae. I often think of next Sunday with a shudder.
+
+I see COUNT D'ORSAY careering along Kensington Gore in his curricle;
+Lord MACAULAY sauntering homeward to Campden Hill, and Lord GEORGE
+SANGER driving home to East Finchley behind two spanking elephants.
+
+I see Jerusalem and Madagascar and North and South Amerikee...
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was on the eve of the anniversary of the battle of Cressy that I
+first drew breath on August 25th, "somewhere" in the Roaring Forties.
+The date was well chosen, for my maternal great-great-grandfather had
+amassed a considerable fortune by the manufacture of mustard, and the
+happy collocation was destined to bear conspicuous fruit in after years.
+
+Good old HERODOTUS, my favourite reading in my school-days, tells us how
+old-world potentate, in order to discover which was the most ancient
+language in the world, had two children brought up in strict seclusion
+by dumb nurses, with the result that the first word they uttered was
+"Beck," the Phrygian for bread. Strange to say this was not my first
+linguistic effort, which was, as a matter of fact, the Romany word
+"bop."
+
+Although I shall probably write my autobiography again a few details
+about my ancestry are pardonable at this juncture.
+
+My great-great-great-great-grandfather was a robust Devon yeoman who
+fought with DRAKE in the Spanish main, but subsequently married the
+daughter of a Spanish Admiral, made captain at the time of the Armada,
+Count Guzman Intimidad Larranaga. The daughter, Pomposa Seguidilla, came
+to England to share her father's imprisonment, and my ancestor fell in
+love with her and married her. She was a vivacious brunette with nobly
+chiselled features and fine Castilian manners. Their son Alonzo married
+Mary Lyte of Paddington, so that I trace my descent to the Lytes of
+London as well as to the grandees of Spain.... Incredibly also I was one
+of the Hopes of England.
+
+And now, when London has no light any more, I take pen in hand to
+retrace the steps of my wonderful journey through the ages. Ah me! _Eheu
+fugaces!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among my early reading nothing made so much impression on me as _Mrs.
+Glasse's Cookery Book_, and I still remember the roars of laughter that
+went up when I read out a famous sentence in my childish way: "First
+tatch your hair." Those words have stuck to me through life and have had
+a deep influence on my career. Strange how little we know at the time
+which are our vital moments.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I remember standing, when still only of tender years, listening to Bow
+bells and vowing that, if I grew up, I would so reflect my life in my
+writings that no experience however trifling should be without its
+recording paragraph. I would tell all. And I am proud to say I have kept
+that vow. I have not even concealed from my readers the names of the
+hotels I have stayed in, and if I have liked the watering-places I have
+resisted every temptation not to say so. Odd how childish aspirations
+can be fulfilled!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy._ "Hold hard, young feller. You shouldn't butt in
+like that--plenty of room behind."
+
+_His Girl._ "Leave him alone, Harry. He thinks it's a recruiting
+office."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Young Country Girl, 18, wishes a situation as Housemaid or
+    Betweenmaid; never out before; wages not objected to."
+
+    _Irish Times._
+
+Very nice of her to be so accommodating.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Col. J. W. Wray and Mrs. Wray entertained the recruiting staff,
+    numbering L21, to tea at Brett's Hall, Guildford, on Thursday."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+Sterling fellows, evidently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Us have had a letter from our Jarge. He've killed three
+Germans!"
+
+"I bain't zurprised! Lor'! How that boy did love a bit o' rattin', or
+anything to do with vermin!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FLYING MAN.
+
+  When the still silvery dawn uprolls
+    And all the world is "standing to;"
+  When young lieutenants damn our souls
+    Because they're feeling cold and blue--
+
+  The bacon's trodden in the slush,
+    The baccy's wet, the stove's gone wrong--
+  Then, purring on the morning's hush,
+    We hear his cheerful little song.
+
+  The shafts of sunrise strike his wings,
+    Tinting them like a dragon-fly;
+  He bows to the ghost-moon and swings,
+    Flame-coloured, up the rosy sky.
+
+  He climbs, he darts, he jibes, he luffs;
+    Like a great bee he drones aloud;
+  He whirls above the shrapnel puffs,
+    And, laughing, ducks behind a cloud.
+
+  He rides aloof on god-like wings,
+    Taking no thought of wire or mud,
+  Saps, smells or bugs--the mundane things
+    That sour our lives and have our blood.
+
+  Beneath his sky-patrolling car
+    Toy guns their mimic thunders clap;
+  Like crawling ants whole armies are
+    That strive across a coloured map.
+
+  The roads we trudged with feet of lead
+    The shadows of his pinions skim;
+  The river where we piled our dead
+    Is but a silver thread to him.
+
+  "God of the eagle-winged machine,
+    What see you where aloft you roam?"
+  "Eastward, _Die Schlossen von Berlin_,
+    And West, the good white cliffs of home!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOURNALISTIC CANDOUR.
+
+Heading to the Stop-Press column of a Provincial Paper:--
+
+"LATEST RAW NEWS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Motorcycle. Give L25 (maximum) and exquisite diamond ring
+    (engagement broken off)."--_Motor Cycling_.
+
+No sidecar required.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Maeterlinck, the great Austrian statesman, looked with
+    suspicion on all kinds of suggestions of reform or agitation."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+So unlike METTERNICH, the famous Belgian bee-farmer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young Baby--Wanted, homely woman to take charge of duration of
+    war."
+
+    _Wood Green Sentinel._
+
+If she will only finish it satisfactorily--the War, we mean, not the
+baby--we don't mind how homely she is.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Under the heading of "Horses, Harness, &c.":--
+
+    "Offer, cheap--Horse Chestnuts, 6 to 8 feet; Scotch, 2 to 3
+    feet; Spruce, about 2 feet; also Privet, Lilacs, Laurels, etc."
+
+    _Irish Times._
+
+We are quite glad to see this old joke in harness again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Tourists are permitted to carry cameras and use them as long as
+    they do not attempt to take fortresses."
+
+    _Russian Year Book._
+
+These 4.7 cameras are deadly things for siege work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Quite the tit-bit of the evening was the little interlude in
+    the duet from 'Faust' taken by Mr. H---- as Faust and Mr. B----
+    P---- as Mephistopheles. 'His Satanic Majesty' sings--
+
+      "'What is your will? At once tell me.
+      Are you afraid?'"
+
+    _Accrington Observer._
+
+Is this "My dear Tino" under another name?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BATTLE OF JOBEY.
+
+January, 1916, will ever be remembered as the eventful month in which
+the oldest men in England turned aside from all their other pursuits and
+disregarded the state of Europe in order to take part in the Battle of
+Jobey. Their battle-ground was the columns of _The Times_, and no one
+was too proud or venerable to fight. Peers, bishops, deans, statesmen,
+baronets, knights--all rushed in, and still no one quite knows the
+result. How many Jobeys were there? we still ask ourselves. Did anyone
+really know the first Jobey, or was there only an ancestral Jobey back
+in the days of EDWARD VI.? How old was the dynasty? Was Jobey Levi? Was
+Jobey Powell? Was Jobey short and fat? Was Jobey tall and thin? What did
+Jobey sell? What did Jobey do?
+
+To begin with, what was the _casus belli_? No one can remember. But some
+old Etonian, reminiscing, had the effrontery to believe that the Jobey
+to whom, in his anecdotage, he referred, who sold oranges at the gate or
+blew up footballs or performed other jobicular functions, was the only
+Jobey. That was enough. Instantly in poured other infuriated old
+Etonians, also in anecdotage, to pit their memories against his.
+Everything was forgotten in the struggle: the KAISER'S illness, Sir IAN
+HAMILTON'S despatch, the Compulsion Bill, the Quakers and their
+consciences, the deficiencies of the Blockade. Nothing existed but
+Jobey.
+
+All the letters, however, were not printed, and some of those that
+escaped _The Times_ have fallen into our own hand. We give one or two:--
+
+    Sir,--Your Correspondents are wrong. Jobey was a fat red man,
+    with a purple nose and a wooden leg.
+
+    I am, Yours faithfully, NESTOR.
+
+
+    Sir,--My recollection of Jobey is exact. He was a fat man with a
+    hook instead of a left hand, and he stood at least six feet six
+    inches high. No one could mistake him.
+
+    I am, Obediently yours,
+
+    METHUSELAH PARR.
+
+
+    Sir,--JOWETT, though not an Etonian himself, was greatly
+    interested in anecdotes of Jobey related to him by Etonian
+    undergraduates in the "sixties," and on one occasion, when he
+    was the guest of the Headmaster, he was introduced to the famous
+    factotum, who instructed him in the art of blowing up footballs,
+    and presented him with a blood orange, which JOWETT religiously
+    preserved for many years in a glass-case in his study. In
+    features they were curiously alike, but Jobey's nose was larger
+    and far redder than that of the Master's. I have given a fuller
+    account of the interview in my _Balliol Memories_, Vol. iii.,
+    pp. 292-5, but may content myself with saying here that the two
+    eminent men parted with mutual respect.
+
+    I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,
+
+    LEMUEL LONGMIRE.
+
+
+    Sir,--I wish to point out that "My Tutor's" is hopelessly wrong
+    in thinking that his Jobey is the real Jobey. Looking through my
+    diary for June, 1815, I find this entry:--
+
+    "News of Waterloo just received. Jobey, who has charge of all
+    the cricket implements and is generally the custodian of the
+    playing fields, monstrously drunk, on the ground of having won
+    the battle."
+
+    This conclusively proves that there was a Jobey before the old
+    fellow who has just died aged 85. But how anyone can be
+    interested in people aged only 85, I cannot conceive. My own age
+    is 118, and I am still in possession of an exact memory and a
+    deadly diary.
+
+    I remain, Sir, Yours truly,
+
+    JOHN BARCHESTER.
+
+
+    Sir,--Although in my hundred-and-fiftieth year I can still
+    recollect my school days with crystal clearness, and it pains me
+    to find a lot of young Etonians claiming to have had dealings
+    with the original Jobey. The original Jobey died in 1827, and I
+    was at his funeral. He was then a middle-aged man of 93. When I
+    was at Eton in 1776-1783, he stood with his basket opposite
+    "Grim's," and if any of us refused to buy he gave us a black
+    eye. Discipline was lax in those days, but we were all the
+    better for it. On Jobey's death a line of impostors no doubt was
+    established, trying to profit by the great name; but none of
+    these can be called the original Jobey, except under
+    circumstances of the crassest ignorance or folly.
+
+    I am, Yours, etc., SENEX.
+
+
+    Sir,--It is tolerably obvious that your correspondent "Drury's"
+    is suffering from hallucinations of the most virulent type.
+    _Maxima debetur pueris reverentia_ is all very well, but facts
+    are facts. There may have been many pseudo-Jobeys, but the real
+    original was born in the year of the Great Fire of London and
+    died in 1745. He was already installed in the reign of WILLIAM
+    III., and was the first to introduce Blenheim oranges to the
+    Etonian palate. He was an under-sized man, about five feet five
+    inches high, with a pale face and hooked nose and always wore a
+    woollen muffler, which we called "Jobey's comforter." To
+    represent him as belonging to the Victorian age is an
+    anachronism calculated to make the angels weep.
+
+    I am, Sir, Yours everlastingly,
+
+    MELCHISEDEK PONTOPPIDAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOTHER TO AN EMPEROR.
+
+    I made him mine in pain and fright,
+      The only little lad I'd got,
+    And woke up aching night by night
+      To mind him in his baby cot;
+    And, whiles, I jigged him on my knee
+      And sang the way a mother sings,
+    Seeing him wondering up at me
+      Sewing his little things,
+  And never gave a thought to wars and kings.
+
+    I heard his prayers or smacked him good,
+      And watched him learning miles ahead
+    Of all his mother ever could,
+      Roughing my hands to set him bread;
+    And when he was a man I tried
+      Not to forget as he was grown,
+    And didn't keep him close beside
+     All for my very own--
+  And meanwhiles you was brooding on your throne.
+
+    And now--He wouldn't wait no more,
+      I've helped him go, I couldn't choose;
+    My one's another in the score
+      Of all you've grabbed; seems like I lose.
+    But don't you think you've done so well
+      Taking my lad that's got but one;
+    He'll fight for me, he'll fight like hell,
+      And, when you're down and done,
+  You'll curse the day you stole my only son.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+From a shoemaker's advertisement:--
+
+    "8 years' wear! 12 hours' ease."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMFORTING THE FOE.
+
+    "Books and Magazines may be handed in at the counter of any Post
+    Office, unwrapped, unlabelled, and hunaddressed."
+
+    _Parish Magazine._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To be LET, FURNISHED, cosily FURNISHED COUNTRY HOUSE, offering
+    rest, recuperation, recreation, and the acme of comfort; 10
+    bedrooms, 2 bath, 4 reception; stabling, garage, billiards,
+    tennis, croquet, miniature rifle range, small golf course,
+    fringed pool, gardens, walks, telephone, radiators, gas; near
+    town and rail; rent L3 3s. weekly, including gardener's
+    wages."--_The Devon and Exeter Gazette._
+
+With a lodge, a deer park, and a "revenue of populars," this would be a
+bargain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN INFANT IN ARMS.
+
+[Illustration: On guard.
+
+The family.
+
+The family--_continued_.
+
+The Colonel!
+
+Present--arms!
+
+The danger past.
+
+Order--arms!
+
+Stand at--ease!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO TALK TO THE WOUNDED.
+
+[Illustration: _Dear Old Lady._ "Have you two men been at the Front?"
+
+_Soldier._ "Bless you, no, Mum. We've just 'ad a bit of a scrap
+together, to keep fit."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GRAND TOUR.
+
+  I always wished to see the world--I 'ad no chanst before,
+  Nor I don't suppose I should 'ave if there 'adn't been no war;
+  I used to read the tourist books, the shippin' news also,
+  An' I 'ad the chance o' goin', so I couldn't 'elp but go.
+
+  We 'ad a spell in Egypt first, before we moved along
+  Acrost the way to Suvla, where we got it 'ot an' strong;
+  We 'ad no drink when we was dry, no rest when we was tired,
+  But I've seen the Perramids an' Spink, which I 'ad oft desired.
+
+  I've what'll last me all my life to talk about an' think;
+  I've sampled various things to eat an' various more to drink;
+  I've strolled among them dark bazaars, which makes the pay to fly
+  (An' I 'ad my fortune told as well, but that was all my eye).
+
+  I've seen them little islands too--I couldn't say their names--
+  An' towns as white as washin'-day an' mountains spoutin' flames;
+  I've seen the sun come lonely up on miles an' miles o' sea:
+  Why, folks 'ave paid a 'undred pound an' seen no more than me.
+
+  The sky is some'ow bluer there--in fact, I never knew
+  As any sun could be so 'ot or any sky so blue;
+  There's figs an' dates an' suchlike things all 'angin' on the trees,
+  An' black folks walkin' up an' down as natural as you please.
+
+  I always wished to see the world, I'm fond o' life an' change,
+  But ABDUL got me in the leg; an' this is passin' strange,
+  That when you see Old England's shore all wrapped in mist an' rain,
+  Why, it's worth the bloomin' bundle to be comin' 'ome again!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FAIR EXCHANGE.
+
+From _The Gazette of India_:---
+
+    "Delhi, the 16th December, 1915.--No. 100-C. With reference to
+    Notification No. 2529, dated the 21st October 1915, Mr. H. W.
+    Emerson, Indian Civil Service, is appointed Under Secretary to
+    the Government of India, Department of Revenue and Agriculture,
+    s. _p. t._ with effect from the forenoon of the 29th November
+    1915 and until further orders.--F. NOYCE, Offc. Secretary to the
+    Government of India."
+
+    "Simla, the 16th December 1915.--No. 2842. With reference to
+    Notification No. 2417, dated the 19th October 1915, Mr. F.
+    Noyce, Indian Civil Service, is appointed Secretary to the
+    Government of India, Department of Revenue and Agriculture, s.
+    _p. t._, with effect from the forenoon of the 29th November 1915
+    and until further orders.--H. W. EMERSON, Under Secretary to the
+    Government of India."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Jamaica has removed the embargo on the exportation of logwood
+    to British possessions and also to America and ports in France
+    and Italy."--_The Times._
+
+A mixed blessing. There's too much logwood in some ports as it is.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From _A Little Guide to Essex_:--
+
+  "Steeple Bumpstead (see Bumpstead, Steeple).
+  Bumpstead, Steeple (see Steeple Bumpstead)....
+  Bumpstead, Helions (see Helions Bumpstead).
+  Helions Bumpstead (see Bumpstead, Helions)."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE MAN THAT BROKE THE BACK OF MONTENEGRO."
+
+[Illustration: FRANZ-JOSEF, THE MAMMOTH COMEDIAN, IN HIS STUPENDOUS (AND
+UNIQUE) SUCCESS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, January 17th._--To-day's sitting included
+episode justly described by REDMOND as miraculous in relations between
+Ireland and her sisters in the family of the Empire. In Committee on
+Military Service Bill question promptly raised on exclusion of Ireland.
+Amendment moved by Unionist Member for Belfast to make Bill operative in
+the three Kingdoms.
+
+Significant note struck at outset by PRIME MINISTER. Overwhelmed with
+work, unable to take personal charge of Bill in Committee, he deputed
+task, not to Home Rule IRISH SECRETARY, to whom it officially belonged,
+but to the Unionist COLONIAL SECRETARY.
+
+In delicate position, BONAR LAW acquitted himself with excellent taste,
+unerring tact. He did not disguise fact that as a Unionist his
+sympathies were with the Amendment. But he insisted that more would be
+lost than gained by trying to enforce Military Service on country
+divided upon the question.
+
+"To anyone who knows the history of Ireland," he said, "who knows the
+history in our own lifetime, and the part which has been played by
+Nationalist Members in this House and Nationalist Members in Ireland--to
+anyone who recalls the state of this country during the whole of the
+Napoleonic Wars, when Ireland was a constant source of danger to Great
+Britain, it is not a small thing, it is a very great thing, that for the
+first time in our history the official representatives of the
+Nationalist Party are openly and avowedly on the side of Great Britain."
+
+CARSON patriotically responded to this harmonious call, rare in
+discussing Ireland across floor of the House. Regretfully but
+uncompromisingly advised withdrawal of Amendment moved by Ulster Member.
+
+JOHN REDMOND, in speech pathetic in its plea, besought the House to
+refrain from effort to drive Ireland. The part her people have taken in
+the War side by side with British comrades was splendid.
+
+"I am," he said, "as proud of the Ulster Regiments as I am of the
+Nationalist Regiments. If five years ago any one had predicted that in a
+great war in which the Empire was engaged 95,000 recruits would have
+been raised from Ireland and that there would be 151,143 Irishmen with
+the colours, would he not have been looked upon as a lunatic?"
+
+One note of discord came from little group below Gangway on Liberal
+side. Unable to withstand temptation to obtain mean little triumph, they
+refused to permit withdrawal of Amendment, as suggested by BONAR LAW and
+accepted by CARSON, and it was perforce negatived.
+
+ALL FOR IRELAND--A WAR-TIME HARMONY.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Bonar Law, Mr. Redmond, Sir Edward Carson.]
+
+_Business done._--Military Service Bill in Committee.
+
+_Wednesday_, 2.10 A.M.--House adjourned after ten hours' wrestling with
+Military Service Bill.
+
+Once upon a time, not so far back, there was an Irish Member who, on his
+triumphant return to Westminster, took the oath and his seat at 4
+o'clock in the afternoon, delivered his maiden speech at 6.50, and on
+the stroke of midnight was suspended for disorderly conduct.
+
+That a record difficult to beat. The Member for Australia (London
+address, St. George's, Hanover Square) with characteristic modesty
+diffidently approached it. Taking his seat last Wednesday, he to-day
+delivered his maiden speech. It was risky in face of the sound axiom,
+adapted from nursery discipline, that new Members should (for a
+reasonable period) be seen, not heard. As a breaker of unwritten law Sir
+GEORGE has extenuation of success. This due to intrinsic merits of
+speech. Foremost of these was brevity. Furthermore, it was in the best
+sense a contribution to debate, arising directly out of question sprung
+upon Committee. No asphyxiating smell of the lamp about it. Sound in
+argument, felicitous in phrase.
+
+IVOR HERBERT had moved amendment to Military Service Bill, bring within
+its purview all unmarried men as they attain the age of eighteen years.
+The Bill calls to the colours only those who on 15th August last had
+reached that age.
+
+"When the flames of destruction are approaching the fabric of our
+liberties," said Sir George REID by way of peroration, "let us save our
+house first and discuss our domestic rearrangements afterwards."
+
+The new Member rose in nearly empty House. Members already aweary of
+ineffectual talk round foregone conclusion. News that he was on his feet
+signalled throughout the precincts, Members hurried in to hear. Amongst
+them came the PRIME MINISTER. Amendment withdrawn.
+
+_Business done._--Committee sat far into foggy night, driving Military
+Service Bill through Committee against obstruction on the part of at
+most a score of Members.
+
+_Thursday._--Both sides unite in welcoming JACK PEASE back to
+Ministerial Position. (_Mem._--Commonly called Jack because he was
+christened Joseph Albert). After filling in succession offices of Chief
+Whip of Liberal Party, Chancellor of Duchy and Minister for Education,
+in each gaining general approval and personal popularity, he was one of
+the sacrificial lambs cut off by reconstruction of Ministry on Coalition
+principles.
+
+Took what must have been bitter disappointment with dignified reserve.
+
+Having made the personal statement common to retiring Ministers, he did
+not seat himself on the Front Opposition Bench on the look-out for
+opportunity to "hesitate dislike" of policy and action of former
+colleagues. Seeking for chance to do his bit in connection with the War,
+at request of Army Council he undertook unpaid post of Civil Member on
+Claims Commission in France. Comes back to Treasury Bench as
+Postmaster-General, in succession to the INFANT SAMUEL, who, in
+accordance with the tradition of early childhood, has, since first
+promoted to Ministerial office, been "called" several times to others.
+
+SARK, always considerate of convenience of public, thinks it may be well
+to state that it will be no use anyone looking in at Post Office and
+crying, "Pease! Pease!" Not because there is no Pease, but because there
+are two--JACK, the Postmaster-General, and his cousin PIKE PEASE,
+formerly a Unionist Whip, who has for some months served as Assistant
+Postmaster-General.
+
+_Business done._--In Committee on Military Service Bill.
+
+_Thursday_.--Fourth night of debate in Committee on Military Service
+Bill. Concluded a business that might have been as fully accomplished at
+one sitting. Save for a few immaterial amendments; of the verbal kind,
+Bill stands as it did when introduced. Scene closed with exchange of
+compliments between BONAR LAW and little band who have succeeded in
+keeping talk going. He expressed satisfaction, "or perhaps something
+rather stronger" (this a little dubious), at the way in which opposition
+had been conducted. They protested it was all due to his conciliatory
+manner.
+
+And so home to bed as early as eleven o'clock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Inquisitive Party._ "Ye'll likely be gaun tae Elie?"
+_N.C.O._ "No!"
+
+_Inquisitive Party._ "Than ye'll be gaun tae Pittenweem?" _N.C.O._
+"No!!"
+
+_Inquisitive Party._ "Then ye'll shair tae be gaun tae Crail?" _N.C.O._
+"No!!!"
+
+_Inquisitive Party_. "Dae ye think a care a dom whaur ye're gaun?']
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DELHI-ON-SEA.
+
+    "Delhi, Monday,--The P. and O. Steamer Arabia, with the outward
+    mail of the 22nd, arrived here at 1-30 p.m. to-day (Sunday)."
+
+    _The Beharee_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Commencing on December 1st the London banks will close at three
+    o'clock, except on Saturday at one o'clock, with a view to
+    assisting recruiting by realising a number of clerks."
+
+    _Bay of Plenty Times._
+
+Financially and otherwise the bank-clerk is one of our best securities.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PLUS CA CHANGE, PLUS C'EST LA MEME CHOSE.
+
+  Before the War Miss Betty Pink
+  Was just an ordinary mink;
+  Her skirt was short, her eye was glad,
+  Her hats would almost drive you mad,
+      She was, in fact, to many a boy
+            A source of perturbation;
+  At household duties she would scoff,
+  She lived for tennis, bridge and golf,
+  She motored, hunted, smoked and biked,
+  Did just exactly what she liked,
+      And took a quite delirious joy
+            In casual flirtation.
+
+  But when the War arrived, you see,
+  She flew at once to V.A.D.,
+  Belgians, Red Cross, and making mitts,
+  And (profitably) sold her Spitz,
+      And studied mild economy
+            In things she wasn't wrapt in;
+  One game alone of all her games
+  She stuck to. Which is why her name's
+  No longer Pink. I laughed almost,
+  On reading in _The Morning Post_,
+      That Betty, "very quietly,"
+            Had wed a tempy Captain.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _M.C._ (_introducing bluejacket who fancies himself as a
+basso_). "Mr. 'Icks will now oblige with several blasts on 'is fog-'orn,
+entitled, 'O Ruddier than the Cherry.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ERIN-GO-BRAGH.
+
+"Saft marnin', Mrs. Ryan--ye're out early this marnin'."
+
+"Ye say right, Mrs. Flanagan, I am that. Me son wint back to the Front
+last night, and Himself was out seein' him off at the staymer, all
+through the pourin' rain, the way he's not able to shtir hand or fut. I
+was just down to Gallagher's gettin' him some medicine."
+
+"Ah, now! 'tis too bad that Himself is sick. Will I help yez with the
+bottles, Mrs. Ryan?"
+
+"Thank yez, Ma'am, it's too kind ye are."
+
+"And ye tell me y'r son is away agin, and him only just back! 'Tis a
+tarrible warr, an' there's a powerful lot av fine young fellows that'll
+be missing when they come back to Dublin agin."
+
+"Ah! ye may well say that, Mrs. Flanagan. There's more than a million
+gone out of this disthrict alone, and there's Irishmen fightin' in all
+the himispheres of th' worrld. They tell me that the Irish bees in such
+numbers that the inimy got fair desprit an' rethreated into Siberia to
+get away from thim, till they met more av us comin' along from th' other
+ind of the worrld."
+
+"Glory be! But isn't that wandherful?"
+
+"Ay, 'twas the Tinth Division, so it was, the brave boys comin' back
+afther fightin' the Turks, bad luck to them f'r haythens! F'r didn't
+Lord KITCHENER himself go out to see thim at the Dardnells, and ses he,
+'What's the use of wastin' brave throops here? We'll lave the English to
+clane up the threnches,' and on that they packs the Irish off and
+marches thim thousands of miles intil Siberia. Ah! 'twas the dhrop thim
+Germins got when they came shtrugglin' along wan day and run up aginst
+the ould Tinth agin. There was tarrible slaughter that day, and the
+inimy bruk in great disorther, and is now trying to escape down the
+Sewers into the Canal."
+
+"Well now, Mrs. Ryan, that's grand news ye do be tellin'. 'Tis fair
+wandherful how well up in it y' are. But will ye tell me now what would
+the English be doin' all this time? Surely ye don't mane to say that the
+whole av th' Army bees Irish?"
+
+"Not at all, Mrs. Flanagan, not at all. But the _fightin'_ rigimints is
+mostly Irish. Ye see, th' Army has to be fed, and the threnches has to
+be claned and drained, and so on, and the English does the cookin' and
+clanin' for the Irish. But anny fightin' that's done is done bo th'
+Irish rigimints, as is well known to be the best fighters in the
+worrld."
+
+"But will ye tell me now, what's this I hear about making the English go
+into the Army be description?"
+
+"Is ut _con_scription ye mane? Shure, 'tis like this. Furst of all there
+was inlistment be groups. Himself tould me all about it. Over there,
+there was no inlistin' as there was over here. Shure, in Dublin alone we
+have three recruitin' offices, to say nothin' of th' recruitin' thram.
+Ah! 'tis a fine sight to see the thram, Mrs. Flanagan, going up and down
+the sthreets o' Dublin, with the flags and the fine coloured posthers
+plasthered on ut, and divil a wan ever in ut, bekase why? there isn't a
+sowl lift in the city, and what is lift is bein' held back by the polis
+at the recruitin' office in Brunswick Sthreet. Well, as I was tellin'
+yez, in England there was no recruitin' like that. It got so that there
+was just wan recruitin' office left, as the other three had to be
+closed, bekase no wan came. Ye see, all the young men were down at the
+poorts, gettin' their tickets to Ameriky.
+
+"'This,' ses one of the English Lords--a felly be the name o'
+Derby--'this,' ses he, 'is tarrible. If the inimy hears o' this, all the
+Irish in the worrld and in Ameriky won't save us.'
+
+"So he gets out a scheme--he's a tarrible ould schemer is that
+wan--whereby, ye see, ivery man in England was to inlist to sarve when
+he was called up, and they were to be made up intil groups, an' the
+married men was to be put intil the lasht group. The advantage o' that
+was that it intimidated th' inimy, bekase a man looks more whin he is
+called a group. Thin the ould schemer arranged that these groups should
+get armlets, somethin' like a sling, so, whin a man was called up in a
+group, he could show the sling he was wearin' and he'd be put intil a
+later group. Ah! 'twas a grand scheme! Ye see, the limit of militry age
+bees now forthy-wan, and supposing there was a million men in ivery
+group (and I was tould there was more) that was forthy-wan million!"
+
+"Glory be to God, Mrs. Ryan, but that's a tarrible number!"
+
+"Ye say right, Mrs. Flanagan. But look you here, ivery time a group was
+called up and the men was put back intil a later group, it made more men
+for the later groups, until, ye see, whin they called up the lasht group
+there 'd be forthy-wan times as many men at the ind as at the beginnin'.
+That was the scheme for puttin' the fear o' God intil thim Germins."
+
+"Thin will ye tell me, Mrs. Ryan, why didn't they shtick till it?"
+
+"'Tis harrd to explain, Mrs. Flanagan, and here we are at me door. I'll
+take the porther bottles, thank ye kindly, Ma'am. Well, this was the way
+av it. When they shtarted the recruitin' av the groups they found that
+'twas too many officers they were afther gettin'. I heard there was half
+a million as had to be given their shtars! An' I needn't be afther
+tellin' ye, Mrs. Flanagan, that even with all the millions of Irish out
+there, there wouldn't be room for five hundred thousand officers to lead
+thim. Besides which every wan knows that the Irish don't want leadin'.
+'Tis thim shows the way whin it comes to a charrge. An' sure, as it is,
+all the Ginirals, exceptin' for an odd wan or two, bees Irish!"
+
+"Is that you, Biddy? Will yez come in out of that now?"
+
+"Och, that's Himself now. He must be betther! Good-day to yez, Mrs.
+Flanagan, and many thanks to ye."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+    "Peace Speakers pelted with Ochre.
+
+    The speakers on the platform had a curried
+    consultation."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "One may say of Kitchener's Army (at any rate of the rank and
+    file I have acquaintance with here in Gaul) that it _est omnia
+    in duo partes divisa_ (with apologies to Caesar)."
+
+    _Morning Paper._
+
+CAESAR'S commentary on this would be worth reading.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRUTHFUL JAMES.
+
+The Staff of _The Muddleton Weekly Gazette_, having disguised himself as
+an ordinary citizen, entered the local hospital in quest of copy. His
+keen eye immediately singled out a man of solemn, careworn aspect, and
+to him he directed his footsteps. Two clear grey eyes looked into his,
+and his greeting was answered politely, though without enthusiasm. Then,
+exerting all the skill and adroitness which had marked him out for forty
+years as a coming man in the journalistic world, the visitor put the
+soldier gradually at his ease and tactfully induced him to recount his
+experiences.
+
+"I could tell you lots of things what would astonish you, Sir," began
+the convalescent. "Six months in the trenches gives you plenty of time
+to pick up tales--and invent them, too; but I don't hold with that. A
+little exaggeration helps things along, as old Wolff says, but when he
+goes beyond I'm not with him. No lies--not for Truthful James. That's
+me, Sir. They call me that in B Company; James being the name what my
+godfathers and godmothers give me, and Truthful being as you might say
+an identification mark."
+
+The other nodded and waited in silence.
+
+"Nothing much happened to me for the first three months, but then we was
+moved further South and a new Sub. joined us. Name of Williamson. Do you
+know him, Sir? Second-Lieutenant J. J. C. de V. Williamson was his full
+war paint. Ah, it's a pity you don't. Quite a kid he was, but he could
+tell you off as free and flowing as a blooming General, and never repeat
+himself for ten minutes. He stirred things up considerable--specially
+the enemy. Sniping was his game; two hours regular every morning, with a
+Sergeant to spot for him and a Corporal to bring him drinks at intervals
+of ten minutes to keep him cool. He kept count of the Huns he had outed
+by notches on the post of his dug-out. Every time he rang the bell he'd
+cut up a notch, and before he'd been with us a month you could have used
+that post as a four-foot saw.
+
+"Naturally the Huns were riled. You see, we was a salient and they was a
+salient, and there wasn't more than a hundred yards between us. We could
+hear them eating quite plainly, when they had anything to eat, and when
+they hadn't they smoked cigars which smelt worse than all the gas they
+ever squirted. One day the Sub. strolls up for his morning practice and
+sees a huge sign above the enemy trench: 'Don't shoot. We are Saxons.'
+They had relieved the Prussians and they was moving about above their
+trenches as free as a Band of Hope Saturday excursion.
+
+"'Until anyone proves the contrary,' says our Sub., 'I maintain that
+Saxons is Germans.' Moreover, says he, 'war is war,' and he had to cut
+up three more notches on his post afore he could make them understand
+that his attitude was hostile. When they did grasp it they began to
+strafe us, and they kep' it up hard all day. When night come our Sub.
+decided he'd had enough. 'Boys,' he says to us, 'one hour before the
+crimson sun shoots forth his flaming rays from out of the glowing East
+them Germans is going to be shifted from that trench. We ain't a-going
+to make a frontal attack,' he says, 'because some of us might have the
+misfortune to tear our tunics on the enemy entanglements, and housewives
+is scarce. We are going to crawl along that hollow on the flank and
+enfilade the blighters.'
+
+"So we puts a final polish on our bainets and waits. Bimeby we starts
+out, Sergeant leading the way. We wriggled through the mud like Wapping
+eels at low tide for the best part of an hour, and at last we got to
+their trench and halted to listen. There wasn't a sound to be heard;
+nobody snoring, nobody babbling of beer in his sleep; only absolute
+silence. Sergeant was lying next to me and I distinctly heard his heart
+miss several beats. Then all at once we leaps into the air, gives a yell
+fit to make any German wish he'd never been born, and falls into their
+trench, doing bainet drill like it would have done your heart good to
+see. But we stops it as quick as we begun, because there wasn't a single
+man in that trench. Not one, Sir.
+
+"After a awkward pause, 'The birds have flown,' says our Sub., sorrowful
+like, as if he'd asked some friends to dinner and the cat had eat the
+meat.
+
+"'I think, Sir,' says Sergeant, 'that they've abandoned this trench as
+being untenable, and probably left a few mines behind for us.' I didn't
+like that. I thought our trench was a much nicer trench in every way,
+and I felt it was time to think of going back, when suddenly we hears a
+norrible yell come up from our trench and sounds of blokes jumping
+about. Yes, Sir, the Germans had made an attack on our trench at the
+same time, only they had gone round by the other flank, where there was
+some trees to help them.
+
+"So there they was in our trench, and we in theirs, and dawn just
+beginning to break. There was only one thing to do. We went back, hoping
+they would wait for us; but they hopped it quick, same way as they come,
+and so we finished up just as we was when we started, except for mud.
+Our Sub. was wild with rage, and he hustled about all the morning
+looking for defaulters, his face as black as the Kayser's soul; and he
+even went so far as to curse a Machine Gun Section, which shows you
+better than words what he felt like. D Company, when they come to
+relieve us, wouldn't believe a word of it, not till I told them. They
+had to then, because they knew what my name was. James, Sir, and
+Truthful as a sort of appendix."
+
+"And there were others, of course, to corroborate your story?"
+
+"To what, Sir?"
+
+"To swear to the truth of it?"
+
+"Oh yes. They swore to it all right. Again and again. But that was
+nothing to what happened in the same trench when we come back from
+billets. It was like this here. Our Sub.... What's that you say, Bill?"
+He broke off. "Time for visitors to leave?"
+
+The Orderly explained that it was so, and, after a cordial leave-taking
+on the part of the visitor, saw him out and returned.
+
+"Do you know who that was, Jim?" he asked.
+
+"Soon as he started pumping me," replied James, "I offered myself a
+hundred quid to a bob on his being a noospaper man, but there was no
+taker at the price, bobs being scarce and me having a dead cert. Suppose
+I shall be in the local paper on Saturday, Bill?"
+
+"Yes. Thrilling Tales from the Trenches, number forty-three."
+
+"Pity he had to go so soon," sighed James. "I was only just beginning to
+get into my stride."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cheerful One_ (_to newcomer, on being asked what the
+trenches are like_). "If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps down
+yer gets drowned; if yer moves about yer get shelled; and if yer stands
+still yer gets court-martialled for frost-bite."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the current Directory of the London Telephone Service:--
+
+    "FOREIGN SERVICES (FRANCE, BELGIUM AND SWITZERLAND).
+
+    Communication may be obtained between London and Paris
+    (including the suburbs), Brussels, Antwerp, Basle, Geneva,
+    Lausanne, and certain provincial towns in France and Belgium.
+    Full particulars may be obtained on application to the
+    Controller."
+
+We are afraid these facilities, as far as Belgium is concerned, will
+shortly be withdrawn. The new Postmaster-General has heard that there is
+a war on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Winter Laying Strain pure bred White Leghorn Cockerels; record
+    layers: 5s."
+
+    _Bath & Wilts Chronicle._
+
+Smith minor's translation of _ab ovo usque ad mala_ is thus justified:
+"It is up to the males to lay eggs."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Thundering' and 'nous' are two of the expressive words of
+    which Sir Ian Hamilton made use of in his Suvla Bay report. It
+    was the Royal Artillery that did 'thundering good shooting.'
+    'Nous,' meaning gumption, is a word greatly in use in
+    Lancashire."
+
+    _Daily Mirror._
+
+It has also been met with in Greece.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Two labourers employed by the ---- Distillery Company fell a
+    distance of fifty feet into a barley vat yesterday, and when
+    released were found to be suffering from carbolic acid
+    poisoning."--_Weekly Dispatch._
+
+This paragraph will no doubt be freely quoted by temperance advocates as
+showing what whiskey is really made of.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a notice issued by the Sydney Chamber of Commerce:--
+
+    "The Fair, which will be officially opened by His Excellency the
+    Governor, will be held at the Town Hall, and will be followed by
+    a Luncheon. Space will be allotted by the foot frontage from
+    10/- to 15/-."
+
+An excellent idea for City dinners.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DULCE ET DECORUM."
+
+  O young and brave, it is not sweet to die,
+    To fall and leave no record of the race,
+  A little dust trod by the passers-by,
+    Swift feet that press your lonely resting-place;
+  Your dreams unfinished, and your song unheard--
+  Who wronged your youth by such a careless word?
+
+  All life was sweet--veiled mystery in its smile;
+    High in your hands you held the brimming cup;
+  Love waited at your bidding for a while,
+    Not yet the time to take its challenge up;
+  Across the sunshine came no faintest breath
+  To whisper of the tragedy of death.
+
+  And then, beneath the soft and shining blue,
+    Faintly you heard the drum's insistent beat;
+  The echo of its urgent note you knew,
+    The shaken earth that told of marching feet;
+  With quickened breath you heard your country's call,
+  And from your hands you let the goblet fall.
+
+  You snatched the sword, and answered as you went,
+    For fear your eager feet should be outrun,
+  And with the flame of your bright youth unspent
+    Went shouting up the pathway to the sun.
+  O valiant dead, take comfort where you lie.
+  So sweet to live? Magnificent to die!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LECTURE.
+
+"Francesca," I said, "will you do me--I mean, will you accept a favour
+from me?"
+
+"If," she said, "your Majesty deigns to grant one there can be no
+question of my accepting it. It will fall on me and I shall have to
+submit to it."
+
+"Well," I said, "it's this way. You know I'm going to--a-hem!--deliver a
+lecture at Faringham next Monday?"
+
+"I gathered," she said, "that you were up to something from the amount
+of books you were piling up on your writing-table. Besides you've been
+complaining of the ink a good deal, and that's always a bad sign."
+
+"Hadn't I mentioned Faringham and the lecture?"
+
+"You had distantly alluded to something impending and you had looked at
+the A.B.C. several times, but it stopped at that."
+
+"How careless of me!" I said. "I know I meant to tell you all about it."
+
+"You didn't make your meaning clear. It's all part of the secretiveness
+of men. They tell one nothing and then they're offended if we don't
+anticipate all their movements."
+
+"We will," I said, "let that pass. It is an unjust remark, but I will
+not retaliate. Anyhow, I now inform you formally and officially that I
+am going to Faringham on Monday in order to deliver a lecture on 'Poetry
+in its Relation to Life,' before the Faringham Literary Association. It
+is one of the most famous Associations in the world and has a large
+lecture-hall capable of seating one thousand people comfortably."
+
+"But why," she said, "did they ask _you_ to lecture?"
+
+"They must," I said, "have heard of me somewhere and guessed that I had
+wonderful latent capacities as a lecturer. Some men have, you know."
+
+"Well," she said, "let's hope you're one of that sort, and that you'll
+bring all your capacities out on Monday. Aren't you nervous?"
+
+"No," I said, "not exactly nervous; but I shall be glad when it's well
+over."
+
+"So shall I," she said. "The ink will be gradually getting better now,
+and there won't be so many troubles about the A.B.C. being mislaid."
+
+"No book," I said, "was ever so much mislaid as that. I put it down on
+the sofa two minutes ago and it has now vanished completely."
+
+"It has flown to the window-seat," she said.
+
+"Ah," I said, "and if we give it two minutes more it will fly into the
+dining-room."
+
+"Never mind," she said; "there shall be A.B.C.'s in every room till you
+depart for Faringham. That's poetry."
+
+"But it has no relation to life," I said. "It is not sincere, as all
+true poetry must be."
+
+"'At this point,'" she said in a quoting voice, "'the lecturer was much
+affected, and his audience showed their sympathy with him by loud
+cheers.' Will there be much of that sort of thing?"
+
+"There will be a good deal of it," I said with dignity. "The lecture is
+to last for an hour exactly."
+
+"A whole hour?" she said. "Isn't that taking a mean advantage of the
+Faringham people?"
+
+"They," I said, "can go out if they like, but I must go on. Francesca,
+may I read the lecture to you, so as to see if I've got it the right
+length?"
+
+"So that's what you've been driving at," she said. "Well, fire away--no,
+stop till I've fetched the children in. You'll have a better audience
+with them."
+
+"Need those innocent ones suffer?" I said.
+
+"They are young," she said, "and must learn to endure."
+
+The consequence was that all the four children, from Muriel aged
+sixteen, to Frederick aged eight, were fetched in and told they were
+going to have a treat such as few children had ever had; that they were
+going to hear a lecture on "Poetry in its Relation to Life"; that they
+must cheer loudly every now and then, but not interrupt otherwise, and
+that there would be a chocolate for each of them at the end. In addition
+Frederick was told that if he felt he really couldn't stand any more of
+it he was to leave the room very quietly, and that this wouldn't
+interfere with the chocolate. Thereupon the lecture started. At the end
+of the seventh minute Frederick rose, bent his body double and tiptoed
+out of the room. He was a great loss, for, as Muriel remarked
+afterwards, he represented two hundred of the audience of a thousand.
+The rest, however, stuck it out heroically, and danced for joy when it
+came to an end in one hour exactly. Frederick was afterwards discovered
+writing poetry on his own account in the school-room. As an illustration
+of the far-reaching influence of a lecture I may cite two of his
+stanzas:--
+
+      Summer is coming,
+  Then the bees will be humming,
+      Birds will be flying,
+      And girls will be buying,
+      And boys will be running;
+  Oh, hail! Summer is coming.
+
+      Summer is coming,
+  Then the fox will be cunning,
+      And all will be glad,
+      And none will be sad,
+    And I hope none will be mad,
+    And I hope none will be bad;
+  Oh, hail! Summer is coming!
+
+This may be premature and, as to the fox, incorrect, since he requires
+but little cunning in the summer; but there is a good BROWNING flavour
+about it which redeems all errors.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.
+
+    "There are large stocks of Tailor Costumes Ready-to-Wear, in the
+    old reliable materials. These cannot last long."--_Provincial
+    Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Porter._ "Luggage, Sir?"
+
+_Absent-minded Old Gentleman._ "No, thank you. I have some."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Not once or twice have I paid tribute to the craftsmanship of Mr. NEIL
+LYONS, generally as a portrayer of mean urban streets and their
+inhabitants. His latest volume, however, _Moby Lane and Thereabouts_
+(LANE), finds him at large in the Sussex countryside. But the old skill
+and quick-witted charm serve him equally in these different
+surroundings. Mr. LYONS, as I have noticed before, achieves his
+ingenious effects not only by the quaint unexpected things he says but
+equally by the things that he skilfully omits to say. As an example of
+the second method I might cite one of the best of the sketches in the
+book, that called "Viaduct View," after the name of the detestable and
+dreary little house which a loving aunt has preserved for the
+problematical return of the nephew who would certainly not endure it for
+two days. This shows Mr. LYONS at his best--sympathetic, subtle and
+gently ironical. I am not saying that every one of the thirty-seven
+chapters is on the same high level. "Befriending Her Ladyship," for
+instance, a story that tells how a cottage-dweller repaid in kind the
+interfering house-inspection of the lady from the Hall, though amusingly
+told, is neither original in idea nor quite fair in execution.
+Throughout I found indeed that Mr. LYONS'S natural good-humour and
+sympathy were severely tried when they came in contact with squires and
+the ruling classes; and that now and then he was unable to resist the
+temptation to burlesque. But for one thing at least he deserves
+unstinted praise; I know of no other writer who can transfer, as he can,
+the genuine flavour of dialect into print. Try reading some of the _Moby
+Lane_ dialogue aloud and you will see what I mean.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If spacious hobbies make for happiness then is Sir MARTIN CONWAY the
+happiest of men. He has been before us at various times of his crowded
+life, now as an undaunted peak-compeller in Alps and Himalayas, or
+skiing over Arctic glaciers, or pushing forward into hazardous depths of
+Tierra del Fuego; now sitting authoritative in the SLADE Chair at
+Cambridge, or contesting an election, or restoring an old castle, or
+picking up priceless primitives for paltry pence in Paduan pawnshops;
+and always as a resourceful author setting it all down (in a couple of
+dozen books or so) with an easy-flowing pen incapable of boring. In _The
+Crowd in Peace and War_ (LONGMANS) he makes his bow as the political
+philosopher. It is a lively essay packed with observation, reflection,
+modern instances; it intrigues us with audacious and disputable
+generalisations, acute criticism, and a liberal temper. Solemnity and
+dulness are banished from it, and it might well serve as a light pendant
+to the admirable _Human Nature in Politics_ of Mr. GRAHAM WALLAS. Let no
+student (and no mandarin either) neglect it. And we others, however
+scornful we may profess to be, are all at heart desperately interested
+in the confounded thing called politics, and can all appreciate this
+shrewd analysis of the vices and virtues of the crowd "which lacks
+reason but possesses faith," whose despotism is now on trial as once was
+that of our kings--"unlimited crowddom being as wretched a state as
+unlimited monarchy." As a dose of politics without tears I unreservedly
+commend this book.
+
+I am like Mr. JACOBS' _Night Watchman_; it's very hard to deceive me. I
+had read only a few pages of Miss UNA SILBERRAD'S _The Mystery of
+Barnard Hanson_ (HUTCHINSON) when I guessed who had done the murder.
+Unfortunately, when I had read a few pages more, I found that I had
+picked the wrong person. Then I accused another character on perfectly
+good circumstantial evidence, and he was not the man. After that I
+decided to withdraw from the detective business and let Miss SILBERRAD
+unravel her mystery for herself. If you are of the opinion that a woman
+cannot keep a secret read _The Mystery of Barnard Hanson_ and become
+convinced that Miss SILBERRAD at least is an exception. If I have ever
+read a more perfectly sustained mystery novel I cannot recall it. There
+is just a chance that in the last few pages you may get on the right
+track, but, if you are honest with yourself, you will have to admit that
+you did it simply by a process of elimination, after you had made an ass
+of yourself and arrested every innocent person in the book on suspicion.
+I think it is Miss SILBERRAD'S manner that throws the detective reader
+out of his stride. She is so detached. She conveys the impression that
+she herself is just as puzzled as you are, and that, for all she knows,
+_Barnard Hanson_ may have been murdered by somebody who is not in the
+book at all. In other words she gives her story just that reality which
+a murder mystery has when unfolded day by day in the papers. I confess
+that, when I unwrapped the book and found that a polished artist like
+Miss SILBERRAD had written a detective story, I was a little shocked;
+but I need not have been. There are no dummies in this novel. Each
+character is as excellently drawn as if delineation of character were
+the author's main object; and in the matter of style there is no
+concession to the tastes of the cruder public which makes murder novels
+its staple diet.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "I see you had a card from your young man at
+the Front, Mary."
+
+_Mary._ "Yes'm. And wasn't it a saucy one! I wonder it passed the
+sentry."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In her preface to _Morlac of Gascony_ (HUTCHINSON) Mrs. STEPNEY RAWSON
+apologizes for producing an historical novel in these days when the
+present rather than the past is occupying people's minds. But a good
+historical novel is never really untimely, and _Morlac of Gascony_ is
+not only well written but deals with a period of English history not
+often exploited by the historical novelist--the days of EDWARD THE
+FIRST, when the future of England as a naval power rested on the energy
+and determination of the sailors of the Cinque Ports. Although _Jehan
+Morlac_, the young Gascon, is the principal character in the story the
+most arresting figure is that of EDWARD himself, as dexterous a piece of
+character-drawing as I have come upon in historical fiction for some
+time. The plot is cleverly constructed to throw a high light on one of
+the most interesting personalities in the history of the English
+monarchy. We see EDWARD as a young man, wild, reckless and brutal; then,
+grown to his full powers and sobered by responsibility, making by sheer
+force of character something abiding and coherent out of the strange
+welter of warring factions from which Great Britain emerged as a united
+kingdom. Wales was a hot-bed of rebellion, Scotland the "plague-spot of
+the North," the Cinque Ports on the verge of going over to France. Only
+a strong man, with strong men under him, could have saved England then.
+_Morlac of Gascony_ is not the easy reading which many people insist on
+in novels which deal with the past, and for this reason it may not be so
+popular as some historical novels of far less merit; but if you are
+prepared to make something of an effort to carry the trenches of the
+earlier portion of the story you will have your reward.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I suppose that what a CRAWFORD doesn't know about Roman society may
+fairly be dismissed as negligible. Therefore the name of J. CRAWFORD
+FRASER (in association with Mrs. HUGH FRASER) on the title-page of _Her
+Italian Marriage_ (HUTCHINSON) is a sufficient guarantee that the local
+colour at least will be the genuine article. And it happens that the
+scheme of the tale, the union between a Roman of the old nobility and an
+American girl, makes the local colour of special significance. It was
+just this matter of doing as the Romans do that _Elsie Trant_ found at
+first one of life's little difficulties. There is a very pleasant scene
+of the dinner-party at which she was formally presented to her husband's
+family; the contrast in atmospheres between that of the new-risen West
+and that of the severely Papal circles to which _Prince Pietro_ belonged
+being suggested most happily. I wish, though, the authors had been
+content to leave it at that, as a social comedy about pleasant people
+getting to understand one another. In an ill-inspired moment, however,
+they decided to have a dramatic plot, and truth compels me to say that
+this is a dreary affair, tricked out with such dust-laden devices as
+secret marriages, missing heirs and concealed papers. There is a steward
+person who alternately is and isn't the rightful Prince, as we delve
+deeper into the revelations. Finally, if I followed the intrigue
+correctly, the long arm of coincidence brought it about that _Elsie's_
+mother was the eloping wife of _Pietro's_ uncle. Frankly, all this bored
+me, because we readers could have been so much more profitably engaged
+in renewing our Roman memories under such expert guidance. But of course
+this is a merely personal opinion, which you may not share.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AUSTRALIAN CORPS.
+
+    "Sydney.--Timely rains have saved the early corps."
+
+The later ones also are now quite recruited, thank you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "French Official.--Between the Argonne and the Meuse our heavy
+    huns destroyed an enemy blockhouse in the region of Forges."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+Stout fellows, these German renegades.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Henley (near).--Gentleman offers land, piggeries,
+    poultry-houses to lady or gentleman as guest. Pleasant
+    home."--_The Lady._
+
+    _The gentleman to the lady_: "Will you occupy a piggery or a
+    poultry-house?"
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+150, January 26, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22612.txt or 22612.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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