diff options
Diffstat (limited to '22576-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/22576-h.htm | 3290 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/121.png | bin | 0 -> 598421 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/123.png | bin | 0 -> 3770729 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/125.png | bin | 0 -> 2186911 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/126.png | bin | 0 -> 885696 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/127.png | bin | 0 -> 1500036 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/129.png | bin | 0 -> 2285423 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/130.png | bin | 0 -> 1820288 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/131.png | bin | 0 -> 3368128 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/133a.png | bin | 0 -> 662685 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/133b.png | bin | 0 -> 363828 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/134.png | bin | 0 -> 736002 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/135a.png | bin | 0 -> 224436 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/135b.png | bin | 0 -> 33656 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/136.png | bin | 0 -> 278513 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/137a.png | bin | 0 -> 24250 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/137b.png | bin | 0 -> 25136 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/137c.png | bin | 0 -> 31132 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/137d.png | bin | 0 -> 24203 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/137e.png | bin | 0 -> 31672 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/137f.png | bin | 0 -> 32899 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/137g.png | bin | 0 -> 57108 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/137h.png | bin | 0 -> 42947 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/139.png | bin | 0 -> 2121714 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 22576-h/images/140.png | bin | 0 -> 642666 bytes |
25 files changed, 3290 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/22576-h/22576-h.htm b/22576-h/22576-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..395c543 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/22576-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3290 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, February 18, 1914.</title> + + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + --> + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, +February 18, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 18, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: September 11, 2007 [EBook #22576] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, David King, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 146.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>February 18, 1914.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page121" id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>"I come," said Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> +last week, "from a farming stock right +down from the Flood. The first thing +a farmer wants is to be secure." It +was of course during the Flood that +the insecurity of land tenure was most +noticeable.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p>Lord <span class="sc">Carrick</span>, who a few months +ago was appearing in a sketch at the +Coliseum, seconded the Address in the +House of Lords. We are glad to note +the growth of ties between Parliament +and the Stage, and we are not without +hope that before long a further link +will be added in the person of <span class="sc">Sir +George Alexander</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p>A new form of flying +boat is being built in +America, in which it is +hoped that somebody +may fly from Newfoundland +to Ireland in fifteen +hours. In the event of +Home Rule, we trust, for +the sake of the intrepid +aviator, that a still fleeter +flying boat will be designed +for the return +journey.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p>A resident of Waltham +Abbey has just received +a letter with a Waltham +Cross post-mark on the +back of the envelope +dated February, 31, 1914. +We understand that the +recipient proposes to +return the letter to the +Post Office marked +"Date unknown."</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p>With reference to the Old Time +Supper which is to be a feature of the +Chelsea Arts Club Ball we are requested +to state that it must not be taken that +all the food offered for consumption on +that occasion will bear the stamp of +antiquity.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p>An enterprising publisher has, it is +rumoured, persuaded no less a personage +than Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> to write some +books for him, and we are promised +at an early date, "Essays on Lamb +(shorn)," "The Fortunes of Montrose," +and other works of creative fancy.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p>"I was shaved yesterday by a highly +intelligent young Pole," says a writer +in <i>The Express</i>. The Barber's Pole is +of course a very old institution.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p>"Old Masters—<span class="sc">Velasquez</span> and so +on—what are they?" said Mr. Justice +<span class="sc">Eve</span> last week during a case dealing +with pictures. "I should turn them +into cash if they were mine." Seeing +how often the old fellows painted +<span class="sc">Eve's</span> portrait, this <i>dictum</i> of his +Lordship strikes one as ungracious.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p>Messrs. <span class="sc">Bryant and May</span> have issued +a brochure describing how little houses +may be made out of matches. A companion +volume, entitled "How to light +them," by a Suffragette, may be expected +shortly.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p>It is sometimes asked, Why do so few +individuals when sentenced to death for +murder take advantage of their right +to appeal? The answer is, Because the +Court of Criminal Appeal has the power +of increasing a sentence.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<blockquote><p> +"Samuel, in the spirit of a notorious +member of his race, one Pontius Pilate, +disavows all responsibility in the matter of +the shooting of Englishmen in the Transvaal."</p> + +<p><i>New Witness.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Mr. Punch</i> (to Mr. <span class="sc">Samuel</span>) <i>Ave! +Civis Romane!</i></p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/121.png"><img width="80%" src="images/121.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><i>Butler</i> (<i>to new servant from the country</i>). "<span class="sc">When you've quite finished +cleaning next door's steps perhaps you would kindly begin on our +own</span>."</p> +</div> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">Bric-a-brac.</span>—'My Somali Book' is a +work by Captain Mosse, who spent a considerable +time in the country, which Sampson +Low is about to publish."—<i>Daily Chronicle.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Modesty is all very well in its place, +but to publish an area of over 400,000 +square miles and then call the feat +"Bric-à-Brac"—well!</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<blockquote><p> +"The full penalty of £20 and costs was +imposed at Croydon Borough Police-court +upon Ernest Montefiore de Wilton, of St. +James's-street, W., for exceeding the ten-mile +limit at Southend on Jan. 25.</p> + +<p>Burroughes & Watts' Billiard Tables for +Speed."—<i>Daily Telegraph.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">de Wilton</span>, reading the advertisement: +"No, thanks. A really slow +table for me."</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<h3>THE STRIKE OF SCHOOL-TEACHERS.</h3> + +<p>Sir,—Is the nation properly alive to +the seriousness of the educational +<i>impasse</i> in Herefordshire? Personally +I view with alarm the state of things +of which that is a symptom.</p> + +<p>What will it mean if this sort of +thing spreads, as I fear it may? We +shall have the children of our working-classes +growing up ill-educated and +with imperfect manners. Their spelling +will become phonetic. They will cease +to speak grammatically. They will +lose their pleasing accent. Their lack +of instruction in arithmetic may even +lead them into errors savouring of +criminality. Worse, they will fall +back in their appreciation of music, art +and poetry. They will +be reading trashy and +sensational literature +rather than the classical +works to which our elementary +education +directs their tastes.</p> + +<p>To my mind, the condition +of things is grave +in the extreme, and for +the sake of the children +I beg the nation to wake +up and put an end to +conditions which make +these strikes possible.</p> + +<p>Yours obediently,</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Educational Reformer.</span></p> + +<p>Sir,—The most promising +event of last week +was the delightful strike +of school-teachers in that +beautiful county of Hereford. +Happy children, +thus to be freed from the shackles of our +so-called education. They will now go +to the only school worth learning in—the +school of Mother Nature; and if only +the strike will continue long enough +we shall see in years to come poets +and painters and musicians making a +glad procession from their Herefordshire +homes to carry light and joy into +our dark places.</p> + +<p>Yours ecstatically,</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Vavasour Pringle.</span></p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<blockquote><p> +"The Bishop of Zanzibar (Dr. Weston) +arrived at Charing-cross from Paris yesterday +afternoon.... He went to the House of +Charity, 1, Greek-street."—<i>The Times.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>And a very good address for him.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<blockquote><p> +"Shea, Blackburn Rovers' clever insight-right, +scored all three goals for the Football +League against the Southern League at New +Cross."—<i>Westminster Gazette.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Selection Committee's insight also +right, evidently.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page122" id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span> + +<h2>GUESS WHO IT IS.</h2> + +<p>From a Competition in <i>People of Position</i> +(with which are incorporated <i>West +End Whispers and Mayfair Mysteries</i>). +Prizes will be awarded to the three +readers who are first, second, and third +in guessing the identities of the greatest +number of Society Personages indicated +in the Guess Who It Is series of articles.</p> + +<p>First Prize, a copy of this year's +<i>Debrett</i>. Second Prize, a copy of last +year's <i>Debrett</i>. Third Prize, a bound +volume of <i>People of Position</i> (with which +are incorporated <i>West-End Whispers +and Mayfair Mysteries</i>.)</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p>She is a woman who matters very +much indeed. By birth and by marriage +she belongs to two extremely ancient +families, which were settled in Britain +when it was entirely covered with +forests and inhabited largely by wild +beasts. But it is not any advantage of +birth or of wealth that has made her the +great social figure she is. It is her +extraordinary charm and her arresting +personality. She is not strictly beautiful, +but her smile is peculiarly her own—a +rare distinction in these days when +there is so much that is artificial.</p> + +<p>She has the reputation of being one +of the three best dressed women in +Europe, and never wears anything, not +even her boots, more than once. Her +wit is positively brilliant, and in this +connection it may be asserted once for +all that it was she who first gave vogue +to the greeting, "Doodledo," an abbreviated +form of "How d'you do," though +others have been given the credit for +that sparkling pleasantry. In the art +of "setting down" she is unapproachable, +combining gentle courtesy with +fine satire and mordant epigram, as on +the occasion when a certain pushing +and impossible outside person claimed +her acquaintance in public with a loud +"How are you?" With her own look +and smile she turned and gave him his +<i>coup de grâce</i>—"Not any the better for +seeing you!"—at which an exalted +foreign Personage, who was chatting +with her laughed so much that he fell +into an apoplexy.</p> + +<p>She and her husband are sometimes +at their beautiful place in Middleshire, +and sometimes at their mansion in +Belvenor Square. When they are not +in England they are generally abroad. +She is devoted to horse-riding, motoring, +yachting, and ski-ing, but has not, like +some of her set, forgotten how to walk. +On the contrary, when in town she may +occasionally be seen taking this old-fashioned +form of exercise in the Park, +placing one foot alternately before the +other in her charmingly characteristic +manner.</p> + +<p>She has once or twice, in a delightfully +mischievous spirit, amused herself +by flouting those very social ordinances +of which she is an acknowledged high +priestess. When wars, strikes, and +Governments are forgotten, it will still +be remembered how, some years ago +when she was a few months younger +than she is now, she appeared in her +box at the opera on a <span class="sc">Melba</span> (<i>and +therefore a tiara</i>) night wearing a necklace +of spar beads and a large ribbon +bow on her head. An electric shock +ran through the house; opera and +singers were unheeded; and the beautiful +Countess of —— tore the family +diamonds from her head and neck, and, +with a shriek of despair, flung them into +the orchestra.</p> + +<p>The subject of our article could have +shone in any or all of the arts, had she +cared to give her time and talents to +them. Let it be said, too, that, though +surrounded from her infancy with "all +this world and all the glory of it," she +has a serious side to her character, +countenances the Church, and by no +means discourages religion.</p> + +<p>It is widely known that she keeps a +diary. Ah! if only that diary, in its +dainty, morocco, gold-clasped volumes, +could be abstracted from the wonderful +mother-o'-pearl escritoire, carried out +of the exquisite Renaissance boudoir, +down the noble staircase and out of the +massive hall-door, and, after the spelling, +grammar and composition had +been slightly overhauled, if it could but +be published and given to the eager +world, what an intellectual feast it would +provide! And to the fair, gifted, high-born +diarist what a fortune it would +bring, and what a number of simply +<i>absorbing</i> libel cases!</p> + +<p><span class="sc"><i>Guess Who It Is.</i></span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p><i>The Daily Mail</i> must be more careful +with its posters. Here are two recent +examples:—</p> + +<p><span class="sc">£2 a Week for Life.</span></p> + +<p>DRAMATIC END TO +SACK CRIME TRIAL.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">£2 a Week for Life.</span></p> + +<p>COOLEST FRAUD +ON RECORD.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Lady Dorothy Wood, sister of the Earl of +Onslow and wife of the Hon. E. F. Wood, +M.P., son and heir of Viscount Halifax, was +the recipient of birthday congratulations yesterday, +when the Earl of Erroll, of Slain's +Castle, Aberdeenshire, completed his 62nd +year."—<i>Observer.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The Earl of <span class="sc">Erroll's</span> turn for congratulations +will come when Lady +<span class="sc">Dorothy</span> has a birthday.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME ANALYSIS.</h2> + +<p>Now that the Pantomime season is +drawing to a close and the intelligent +student of this branch of Drama is +tempted to pass it in review, it may be +useful to him to have a list of possible +Pantomimes drawn up in a tabulated +form according to genus and species, that +their finer distinctions, so easily overlooked, +may be the better apprehended. +<i>Mr. Punch</i> has no hesitation in placing +his nice erudition at the disposal of +his readers.</p> + +<p>Pantomimes may be divided into +those of a distinctly Oriental origin and +<i>milieu</i> and those which are either +associated with Occidental localities or +with none in particular. For convenience +we may divide them broadly +and loosely into Oriental and Non-Oriental +Pantomimes. Very well, then.</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">I.—Oriental.</span></p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A. With a ship (<i>Sinbad the Sailor</i>).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>B. Without a ship.</p> +<p class="i2">(a) With a cave.</p> +<p class="i4">(1) Password to cave, "Open Sesame" (<i>The Forty Thieves</i>).</p> +<p class="i4">(2) Password to cave, "Abracadabra" (<i>Aladdin</i>).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">(b) Without a cave (<i>Bluebeard</i>).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">II.—Non-Oriental.</span></p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A. With a ship.</p> +<p class="i2">(a) With a cat (<i>Dick Whittington</i>).</p> +<p class="i2">(b) Without a cat (<i>Robinson Crusoe</i>).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>B. Without a ship.</p> +<p class="i2">(a) With a giant.</p> +<p class="i4">(1) With a cat (<i>Puss-in-Boots</i>).</p> +<p class="i4">(2) Without a cat.</p> +<p class="i6">(i.) With a bean-stalk (<i>Jack and the Beanstalk</i>).</p> +<p class="i6">(ii.) Without a beanstalk (<i>Jack the Giant-Killer</i>).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">(b) Without a giant:</p> +<p class="i4">(1) With animals: sheep (<i>Bo-Peep</i>);</p> +<p class="i8">wolf (<i>Little Red Riding-Hood</i>);</p> +<p class="i8">goose (<i>Mother Goose</i>);</p> +<p class="i8">uncertain (<i>Beauty and the Beast</i>);</p> +<p class="i8">two children (<i>The Babes in the Wood</i>).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">(2) Without animals.</p> +<p class="i6">(i.) With footgear: shoes (<i>Goody Two-Shoes</i>);</p> +<p class="i10"> slippers (<i>Cinderella</i>).</p> +<p class="i4"> (ii.) No particular footgear.</p> +<p class="i6"> (a) With a "Jack" (<i>Jack and</i></p> +<p class="i10"> <i>Jill, Little Jack Horner, The House that Jack Built</i>).</p> +<p class="i6"> (b) Without a "Jack" (The Sleeping Beauty).</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p>Notice on a suite of furniture:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Monthly payments 12/6. They will last +a lifetime." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Help!</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page123" id="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span> + +<h3>ONE OF US—NOW.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/123.png"><img width="100%" src="images/123.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">The Old Postmaster-General</span> (<i>to the New Postmaster-General</i>). "THAT YOU, HOBHOUSE? +I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU ON THIS INFERNAL TELEPHONE FOR +THE LAST HALF-HOUR. I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON BEING APPOINTED TO +A DEPARTMENT WHICH I LEFT IN A STATE OF PERFECT EFFICIENCY."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page125" id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/125.png"><img width="100%" src="images/125.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><i>Fair Yankee</i> (<i>who, on her first visit to England, has been told how extremely obliging the London policeman is</i>). "<span class="sc">Say, would you +vurry kindly do up my shoe-string?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"CINES" OF THE TIMES.</h2> + +<p>(<i>A far-away Project of educational Films.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>O advent of the age of gold,</p> +<p class="i2">O happy day for proud papas</p> +<p>When Hellas shall her tale unfold</p> +<p class="i2">On secondary "cinemas"!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>When "all the glory that was Greece</p> +<p class="i2">And all the grandeur that was Rome"</p> +<p>Shall hire on a perpetual lease</p> +<p class="i2">The academic "Picturedrome."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>O <span class="sc">Ovid</span> on the screen for kids!</p> +<p class="i2">O Helicon attained by 'bus!</p> +<p>O filmographic Aeneids!</p> +<p> O vitoscoped <span class="sc">Herodotus</span>!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Our boys shall note the sacred Nine</p> +<p class="i2">Ascending their immortal peak,</p> +<p>Also Apollo (he was fine</p> +<p class="i2">In the old films as <i>Alf the Freak</i>).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>They shall behold <span class="sc">Teiresias</span></p> +<p class="i2">Telling the doom of Thebes, and con</p> +<p>With eyes but not with lips the crass</p> +<p class="i2">Way in which <span class="sc">Œdipus</span> went on.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>They shall observe quite painlessly</p> +<p class="i2">The heroes toiling as they sit</p> +<p>Rowing upon the sun-kissed sea</p> +<p class="i2">With black smuts racing over it.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Some stout electroscopic "star,"</p> +<p class="i2">Some Gallic beauty bistre-eyed,</p> +<p>Shall show them in the years afar</p> +<p class="i2">How Helen laughed, how Priam died,</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And how the good <span class="sc">Æneas</span> came</p> +<p class="i2">Through faked adventures on the screen</p> +<p>To Latium, and what forks of flame</p> +<p class="i2">Devoured a dummy Punic queen.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>What snares the Queen of Love employed,</p> +<p class="i2">What Juno: mixed with local ads,</p> +<p>These shall be thoroughly enjoyed</p> +<p class="i2">By all appreciative lads.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And some day, if the gods are kind</p> +<p class="i2">To hearts so filled with classic feats</p> +<p>In many a marble palace "cined"</p> +<p class="i2">And puffed so oft in halfpenny sheets,</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Shall come revulsion, faintly stirred</p> +<p class="i2">By Phœbus' and the Muses' laugh,</p> +<p>Against the foul sins of a word</p> +<p class="i2">Like spectodrome or vitagraph.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Youth shall draw learning from the spring</p> +<p class="i2">Pierian, and be taught to know</p> +<p>The clustered verbal shames that cling</p> +<p class="i2">About the moving picture show,</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Till at the last shall dawn a bright,</p> +<p class="i2">A long-to-be-remembered day,</p> +<p>When porticos of fanes of light</p> +<p class="i2">Shall print Kinema with a K.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"H.M.S. Cumberland.</p> + +<p>Geneva, Tuesday.</p> + +<p>The Municipality to-day gave a luncheon +in honour of the officers and cadets of the +training ship Cumberland.—Reuter."</p> + +<p><i>Naval and Military Record.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Another record for <span class="sc">Winston</span>. He alone +could succeed in getting <i>H.M.S. Cumberland</i> +to Geneva.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Widcombe Manor, Bath, in which Fielding +is said to have written 'Tom Jones,' is to +come under the hammer shortly. It is one of +the smaller houses erected by Indigo Jones."</p> + +<p><i>Manchester Evening News.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It was, of course, the influence of his +ancestor Indigo which so tinged certain +episodes in <i>Tom's</i> career.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page126" id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> + + +<h2>THE BAZAAR CUSHION.</h2> + +<p>"Ha! Someone has been sitting +on it," cried Father William, snatching +a flattened object off the piano-stool +in high irritation. "It's abominable, +you know," turning to me. "There +are any number of cushions. The +house is stuffed with cushions. Why +people should always pounce upon this +one and manhandle it in this way"—He +put it on the table and began +punching and squeezing and puffing +and smoothing it till it had expanded +to its full extent. Then he flicked the +dust off it with his handkerchief. "I'll +put it back in its box under the sofa," +he said. "I can't understand how it +ever got out."</p> + +<p>He dropped into an +armchair and instantly +recovered his equanimity.</p> + +<p>"And why should +they spare that one?" +I asked.</p> + +<p>"That," said the old +man solemnly, "is my +bazaar cushion."</p> + +<p>"I thought it looked +as if it had escaped +from a bazaar," said I.</p> + +<p>"It came back only +last night," he went +on. "Are you a judge +of cushions? How do +you like it? Pretty +nice piece of work, eh?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said I cautiously. +"Looks to me +pretty well put together +and all that; but it's +rather—well, hideous, +isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," said +Father William. "I +suppose it's the colour you object to. I +confess it's a bit of an eyesore. But +of course it has to be like that. It's a +case of protective colouring, you know."</p> + +<p>I didn't quite follow his line of +thought and there was a short pause. +"You would hardly think to look at it," +the old man went on at last, "that +that cushion has stood between me and +all the trials and persecutions incidental +to bazaars for nearly half a century. +Perhaps the plague is not quite so bad +as it was in the old days when I was +in my first City parish, but I must +say they were particularly active last +summer. They have taken to holding +them outside now, with Chinese lanterns, +so that there is no close season at all. +I had the wit at the very outset to see +that the thing must be grappled with. +They used to badger me in two separate +ways. I was always expected to send +some sort of contribution—and then I +had to go and buy things. That was +the worst of it. I used to dive about, +harassed and pursued, searching in +vain for the price of my freedom, +always confronted by smoking-caps +and impossible needlework. It was a +fearful ordeal."</p> + +<p>"I know," said I, with sympathy. +"I know all about it."</p> + +<p>"But I found a way out, thanks to +my cushion. I bought it at a Sale of +Work for Waifs and Strays nearly forty-seven +years ago, and I think you will +agree with me that it is a fairly good +cushion yet. Of course it has been +re-covered more than once. It was +getting altogether too well known in +Streatham at one time. It used to be +blue with horrid little silver spangles."</p> + +<p>"And how does it work?"</p> + +<p>"It is beautifully simple. I am told +that a bazaar is contemplated and +asked if I will assist. Very well, I +send my cushion. That is quite good +enough; no one would expect me to do +more. Then I go, on the appointed +day, buy the cushion, and walk out +with an enormous parcel for all the +world to see that I have done my duty. +Then it goes back in its box. The +only bazaars that I am unable to assist +are those which occur (as they sometimes +do) when my cushion happens +to be out."</p> + +<p>"And is it never sold?"</p> + +<p>"Well, <i>look</i> at it!" said Father +William. "Of course it had to be +of such a nature that there was no +danger of its going off too quick. I +used always to go early on the first +day to make sure. But since the +last time it was re-covered I have +had more confidence in its staying +powers. I find there is no particular +hurry."</p> + +<p>"Do you put a price on it?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Oh, no. I don't like to do that. +That might put me in an awkward +position if it came out. But I find it +fairly exciting on each occasion to +discover what I shall have to pay for it. +It is generally more expensive now +than it used to be in the old days. +I suppose it is the rise in the cost of +living. But I am seldom satisfied, +either way. If it is too cheap I +naturally feel rather slighted, seeing +that it was I who sent it; and if it is +too dear of course I am annoyed because +I have to buy it. And it fluctuates +extraordinarily. I have more than +once bought it in at +half-a-crown and come +home burning with indignation, +and, if you +will believe me, there +was a blackguard at +that big Sale of Work +for the Territorials in +the autumn who had the +effrontery to charge me +a guinea and a half. I +was furious with him."</p> + +<p>"I wish you would +lend it to me, Father +William," said I, after +a pause. "We are getting +up a Jumble Sale +in Little Sudbury."</p> + +<p>"No," said Father +William firmly, "no. +Little Sudbury is barred. +The last time it was +there on sale there was +a very painful scene. +I had arrived rather +late, I remember, and +I found my cushion +actually being sold by auction along +with a pair of worsted slippers and a +woolly door mat—in one lot. I thought +it showed very poor taste. Besides, it +is already booked to appear six times +in the next fortnight."</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/126.png"><img width="100%" src="images/126.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><i>Dear Old Lady.</i> "<span class="sc">You have a picture in the window marked ten-and-six, +by a Mr. Holbein. Could you tell me if that is an original painting +or merely a print?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Harold Napping.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +"How stupid are the degenerate Tories +who call this man [Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>] a +demagogue."—<i>Mr. <span class="sc">Begbie</span> on Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd +George</span> in "The Daily Chronicle," Feb. 5.</i></p> + +<p>"He [Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>] was, if you like, +a demagogue."—<i>Mr. <span class="sc">Begbie</span> on Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span> +in "The Daily Chronicle," Feb. 7.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p>The Duke of <span class="sc">Sutherland</span>, we see, +values the diamond-studded gold watch +and chain, of which he has just been +relieved by two desperate Neapolitans, +at £60. But the real question is, would +the <span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span> +accept that valuation?</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page127" id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/127.png"><img width="100%" src="images/127.png" alt=""/></a> + <p>"<span class="sc">Oh, Jockywock darling, you <i>must</i> try and remember it's a tricycle, not a bicycle.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>WHEN BOSS EATS BOSS.</h2> + +<p>According to the New York Correspondent +of <i>The Daily Chronicle</i>, the +publication of a letter from Mr. <span class="sc">Croker</span>, +formerly the great Tammany Chief, +attacking his successor, Mr. <span class="sc">Murphy</span>, +has greatly strengthened the campaign +for purifying the Administration.</p> + +<p>The recent meeting of the Statistical +Society was rendered remarkable by a +letter from Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> who, in +regretting his inability to be present, +impressed upon the Society the need of +upholding a vigorous and fastidious +accuracy in the use of facts and figures. +"To gain a momentary triumph over +an antagonist in a public controversy +by a misquotation, even though only a +fraction is involved, is, in my opinion, +an act which permanently disqualifies +the offender from holding any place of +responsibility." These golden words, +so the President observed, ought to be +engraved in indelible letters in every +school in the kingdom.</p> + +<p>The dignified and telling rebuke recently +addressed by Mr. <span class="sc">Bernard +Shaw</span> to Mr. G. K. <span class="sc">Chesterton</span>, for +undue indulgence in paradoxical gymnastics, +has given great satisfaction to +the members of the Society for the +Promotion of Simplified Thought. As +the President of the Society, Dr. +Pickering Phibbs, puts it, to have Mr. +<span class="sc">Shaw</span> on the side of the angels is +enough to make the Powers of Darkness +throw up the sponge.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Keir Hardie's</span> remarkable +speech at Wolverhampton, when he +declared that it was the duty of Labour +to uphold the British Constitution, has +profoundly impressed Mr. <span class="sc">Larkin</span> and +Mr. <span class="sc">Lansbury</span>, who are of opinion that +the stability of the British Empire is +now assured for at least one hundred +years.</p> + +<p>The publication of a letter from Mr. +<span class="sc">Roosevelt</span>, censuring President <span class="sc">Wilson</span> +for the prolixity and verbosity of +his Presidential messages, will, it is +believed, lend a powerful impetus to +the campaign on behalf of brevity in +public utterances.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">Young Lady Apprentice Wanted</span>—must +be tall to learn all higher branches of +the trade."—<i>Advt. in</i> (<i>our favourite news-paper</i>) +"<i>The Hairdressers Weekly Journal</i>." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>You want to be tall to reach up to the +higher branches.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>From an Aberdeen firm's advertisement:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +Success comes in Cans, not in Can'ts.</p> + +<p>Once-a-year Clearance.</p> + +<p>To-day and Following Days.</p> + +<p>Wonder Values!</p> + +<p>Stimulants to Encourage Purchasers. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>In the cans, we suppose.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A GOLF JUDGMENT.</h2> + +<p>(<i>To the Editor of "Punch."</i>)</p> + +<p>Dear Sir,—As I am not at all satisfied +with the recent decision of The +Rules of Golf Committee on the position +created by a cow carrying off a ball in +her hoof, I appeal to you to arbitrate +in the following dispute between myself +and my friend A (for I am too courteous +to expose his actual name).</p> + +<p>During some very wild weather we +made an arrangement, before starting +out, that, in the event of another storm +coming on, the game should be decided +by the score existing at the moment of +our consequent retirement.</p> + +<p>A was in receipt of six bisques. I +holed out the first in five. A, who was +in well-deserved trouble all the way, +holed out in ten. I remarked, "One +up!" to which A made no response. +As we moved off to the second tee there +was a loud clap of thunder and the +heavens burst over our heads. A at once +shouted above the tumult, "I take my +six bisques and claim the hole and the +match." He then headed swiftly for +the pavilion.</p> + +<p>I cannot believe that he was justified +in his claim. What do <i>you</i> think?</p> + +<p>Yours faithfully, <span class="sc">Fair Play.</span></p> + +<p><i>Editor's Decision.</i>—The original +arrangement was bad in Golf Law. +The match is therefore off, and each +party must pay his own costs.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page128" id="page128"></a>[pg 128]</span> + +<h2>TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.</h2> + +<p>"Do you believe in magic?" Jack +asked.</p> + +<p>I hedged.</p> + +<p>"Well, whether you do or not," he +said, "I've got a rather rum story for +you."</p> + +<p>"Go ahead," I replied.</p> + +<p>"Very well," he said. "It was on +last Tuesday morning that I looked in +at the watchmaker's to see if my watch +was mended yet.</p> + +<p>"It was hanging up in the glass case +above the bench where he worked, with +my name on a little tab attached to the +ring.</p> + +<p>"'No,' the man said, 'it's not done—in +fact, I'm still observing it.'</p> + +<p>"'But it seems to be recording the +time all right,' I said.</p> + +<p>"'Yes,' he replied—'seems, but it +isn't. That's mere chance. Do you +know, it's so fast that it's gained +exactly twenty-four hours since you +brought it in. That's not to-day's +time it's registering, but to-morrow's. +Leave it here another week, and I'll +have got to the bottom of the mystery.'</p> + +<p>"At first I was disposed to do so; +and then I had an idea.</p> + +<p>"'No,' I said, 'I'll take it.'</p> + +<p>"'But it's useless to you,' he replied.</p> + +<p>"'I'll take it," I said. 'Just for fun.'</p> + +<p>"He gave it me reluctantly and returned +to his labours.</p> + +<p>"I walked away from the shop very +thoughtfully. Here was a curious state +of things. I and the rest of the world +were living on Monday, February 9th, +while my watch was busily recording, +a little too hurriedly, the progress of +time on Tuesday, February 10th. To +see into the future has ever been man's +dearest wish, and here was I in possession +of a little piece of machinery which +actually was of the future and yet could +tell none of its secrets.</p> + +<p>"But couldn't it? Couldn't I wrest +one at least from it?—that was what +worried me.</p> + +<p>"As I pondered, a newspaper boy +passed me bearing the placard 'Selections +for Lingfield,' and in a flash I +bought one. My watch knew who had +won! How could I extract that information +from it?"</p> + +<p>Jack paused.</p> + +<p>"Good heavens," I interpolated, +"what an extraordinary situation!"</p> + +<p>"You may well say so," he said. +"You see, if only I could share its +knowledge, I should be rich for life; +for it was now only a quarter to eleven, +and the first race was not till one-fifty, +and there was plenty of time to bet.</p> + +<p>"But——</p> + +<p>"I continued on my way deep in +thought," Jack went on, "when whom +should I meet but Lisburne? Lisburne +is the most ingenious man I know.</p> + +<p>"'Come and advise me,' I said, and +led him to a quiet corner.</p> + +<p>"'It's jolly interesting,' he remarked, +when I had finished, 'but of course it's +black arts, you know, and we've lost +the key nowadays. Still we must try.'</p> + +<p>"We discussed the thing every way, +in vain.</p> + +<p>"Then suddenly he said, 'Look here, +this watch represents to-morrow. That +means it is through the watch that we +must work. Here, let's get to-day's +<i>Mail</i> and read it through the watch-glass +and see if there's any difference?'</p> + +<p>"We got it and did so.</p> + +<p>"Lisburne removed the glass, found +the racing news and read them through +it. 'Good heavens!' he said, and +turned white. 'Here, read this with +your naked eye,' he said, pushing the +paper before me.</p> + +<p>"I read 'Saturday's racing results: +1.30, Midas 1, Blair Hampton 2, +Chessington 3,' and so on. 'Prices, +Midas 6-4,' etc.</p> + +<p>"'Those are Saturday's results,' he +said, shaking with excitement. 'But +now read them through the watch-glass.'</p> + +<p>"I did so, and they immediately +changed to Monday's results. I was +reading to-morrow's paper!</p> + +<p>"'Look at the prices,' he cried.</p> + +<p>"'The prices! I hastily ran through +them. They were splendid. "Captain +Farrell 10-1, Woodpark 10-1, Flitting +Light 4-1." And these horses, remember,' +he said, 'are going to run this +afternoon!'</p> + +<p>"'What's the next thing to be +done?' I gasped.</p> + +<p>"'The bookies,' he replied.</p> + +<p>"'I suppose they're fair game,' I +said.</p> + +<p>"'Of course,' he replied. 'The very +fairest. But that's nothing to do with +you, anyhow. You're in possession +of magic and must employ it. They +are the natural medium. How much +can you muster?'</p> + +<p>"'I'd risk anything I could scrape +up,' I said. 'Say £750. And you?'</p> + +<p>"'Oh, I'm broke,' he replied. 'How +many bookies do you know?'</p> + +<p>"'Three,' I said.</p> + +<p>"'Well,' he replied, 'I know three +more, and we can find men who know +others, and who will bet for us. Because +we must plant this out warily, you +know, or they'll be suspicious.'</p> + +<p>"'Will you take it in hand,' I asked, +'leaving me £150 for my own commissioners?'</p> + +<p>"'Of course,' he said, 'if you'll give +me ten per cent.;' and having copied +out all the longer-priced winners through +the watch-glass he hurried off, promising +to meet me at lunch.</p> + +<p>"How to get through the intervening +time was now the question. First I +went to the telegraph office, and then +to the barber's to have my hair cut. +Forcibly to be kept in a chair was +what I needed. The hair-cut took +only half-an-hour; so I was shaved; +then I was shampooed; then I was +massaged; then I was manicured. +I should have been pedicured, but the +clock mercifully said lunch-time.</p> + +<p>"Lisburne was there in a state of +fever. He had distributed the £600 +among fourteen different commission +agents.</p> + +<p>"'Now we can have lunch,' he said, +'with easy minds.'</p> + +<p>"Easy!</p> + +<p>"'But suppose the whole thing is +a fizzle,' I said. 'We've been far too +impetuous. Impulse was always my +ruin.'</p> + +<p>"'Oh no,' he said.</p> + +<p>"'But if it's a fizzle,' I said, 'what +about my £750?'</p> + +<p>"'It won't be,' he replied. 'It's +magic. Let's order something to eat.'</p> + +<p>"He ate; that is the advantage of +being on ten per cent. commission. +I couldn't."</p> + +<p>Jack paused.</p> + +<p>"Go on," I said. "Did the horses +win?"</p> + +<p>"Every one," he replied.</p> + +<p>"At those prices?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Then you're frightfully rich?"</p> + +<p>"No," he said.</p> + +<p>"Why ever not? Surely the bookies +haven't refused to pay?"</p> + +<p>"Oh no."</p> + +<p>"Then why aren't you rich?"</p> + +<p>"Because I did the usual silly thing—I +woke up."</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The Cafe Chantant.</p> + +<p>To the Editor of 'The Evening Post.'</p> + +<p>Sir,—In writing on the 4th February I +omitted from the lists of names of two of our +kind helpers at the Café Chantant, Messrs. +Le Cheminant and the Victoria Dairy. Will +you kindly allow me to do so now. Yours +faithfully, M. P. <span class="sc">pipon</span>."</p> + +<p><i>"The Evening Post," Jersey.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Apparently the Editor wouldn't!</p> + +<hr /> +<blockquote><p> +"Yesterday a metal-gilt chandelier, 5ft. +high, with branches for twenty-five lights, +and numerous cut-glass pendants, fell at the +one bid of half a guinea. The purchaser, who +was sitting under it, seemed to be the most +surprised person in the room."</p> + +<p><i>Daily Telegraph.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>If it fell on his head, we fear he must +have been pained as well as surprised.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"N.B.—Welsh rarebit is most nourishing, +and, with a plate of soap, makes an excellent +dinner." <i>Bombay Gazette.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The soap, however nourishing, should +be disguised; otherwise your guests +will misunderstand you.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page129" id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/129.png"><img width="100%" src="images/129.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><i>Stewardess.</i> "<span class="sc">We are just nearing the harbour, Madam. Would you like some hot water?</span>"</p> + <p><i>Passenger</i> (<i>faintly</i>). "<span class="sc">It doesn't matter, thank you; I'm only going to relations.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>LETTERS AND LIFE.</h2> + +<p>Preparations are already on foot +for the great banquet to be given in +honour of the famous Russian novelist, +Dr. Ladislas Plovskin, who is to visit +England in July. A representative +committee has been formed, which +includes, amongst others, Sir <span class="sc">Gilbert +Parker</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Charles Garvice</span>, Mr. +<span class="sc">Silas Hocking</span>, Mr. C. K. <span class="sc">Shorter</span>, +Lord <span class="sc">Dunsany</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">James Douglas</span> +and Mr. <span class="sc">Edmund Gosse</span>, who will take +the chair at the banquet. There is a +peculiar appropriateness in this, for it +was Mr. <span class="sc">Gosse</span> who, some ten years +ago, first called attention to Plovskin +in one of his masterly studies. Since +then, Plovskin has gained the Nobel +Prize and become the object of a special +cult which has centres from Tomsk to +Seattle, and from Popocatapetl to +Oshkosh.</p> + +<p>The address which will be presented +to the great Muscovite fictionist has +been written by Mr. <span class="sc">James Douglas</span>, +and is a masterpiece of sensitive and +discriminating eulogy. Thus in one +passage Mr. <span class="sc">Douglas</span> says, "while +preserving your own individuality with +miraculous independence, you have +summed up in your work all the +inchoate influences to be found in +<span class="sc">Homer, Dante, Shakspeare, Voltaire</span> +and <span class="sc">Verlaine</span>, and carried them to a +pitch of divine effulgence only to be +equalled in the godlike work of our +marvellous <span class="sc">Masefield</span>."</p> + +<p>Dr. Plovskin is no stranger to England, +for he was an intimate friend of +the late <span class="sc">Edward Lear</span>, who alludes to +him under the name of Ploffskin in one +of his touching lyrics, and, as we have +seen, he owes almost everything to the +generous appreciation of Mr. <span class="sc">Gosse</span>, to +whom he has dedicated his last novel, +which bears the fascinating title of <i>The +Bad Egg</i>. Portions of this, it is to be +hoped, will be recited at the banquet +by the author's brother-in-law, Mr. +Ossip Bobolinsky, Managing Director +of the Anglo-Manchurian Steam Tar +Company.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>In smart intellectual circles Tagore +Teas are now all the rage. At these +elegant and up-to-date entertainments +China tea is absolutely proscribed, the +refreshments, solid and liquid, being +exclusively of Indian origin. After tea +the guests cantillate passages from the +prose and poetry of the Great Indian +Master to the accompaniment of gongs +(the Sanskrit <i>tum-tum</i>) and one-stringed +Afghan jamboons, for the space of two +or three hours, when their engagements +permit. Sometimes the reading is +varied by mystical dances of a slow and +solemn character, but all laughter, +levity and exuberance are sedulously +discountenanced, the aim of all present +being to attain an attitude of serene +and complacent ecstasy which enables +them to invest utterances of the most +perfect ineptitude with a portentous +and pontifical significance.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The advent to the episcopal bench of Dr. +Russell Wakefield—the only Anglican Bishop +on record to wear a moustache with a clean-shaven +chin—does not appear to have aroused +so much comment as the appointment of Dr. +Ryle to the See of Liverpool in 1884. It was +then said that the new prelate was the first +Anglican Bishop to wear a beard for over 200 +years."—<i>The Daily Chronicle.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Dr. <span class="sc">Russell Wakefield</span>, of course, has +not worn his moustache for a quarter +of that time.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>From a Hong Kong tradesman's circular:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +<span class="sc">"Eggs! Fresh Eggs! and Tasteful Eggs! +For Sale</span>.</p> + +<p>These eggs are exceedingly pure and fresh, +and can be proved by looking at or breaking +them. The yelk when boiled—smell sweet, the +white—glistened, relished, and favourable to +health as well.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Try</span> our taseeful eggs as their quality bears.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Come! Come! Come! and try to have +some."</span> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page130" id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/130.png"><img width="100%" src="images/130.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><i>First Winter Sport</i> (<i>looking at a magnificent view of the Alps</i>). "<span class="sc">Not bad, that</span>."</p> + <p><i>Second Winter Sport.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, it's all right; but you needn't rave about it like a bally poet</span>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE HEN.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>To-day it is not mine to sing</p> +<p>A lay of love, a song of Spring;</p> +<p>I tackle no uplifting thing</p> +<p class="i4">Of arms and men;</p> +<p>My muse is otherwise beguiled</p> +<p>To gentler themes and measures mild;</p> +<p>I sing of nature's artless child,</p> +<p class="i4">The common hen.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Little she has of lyric stuff;</p> +<p>Her bows, I grant, are merely bluff,</p> +<p>Her sternmost pile of windy fluff</p> +<p class="i4">Would leave one cool;</p> +<p>Yet never since the world was planned</p> +<p>Was aught more lofty and more grand</p> +<p>Regarded as a mother—and</p> +<p class="i4">Such an old fool.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In laying eggs is all her joy;</p> +<p>Its rapture never seems to cloy;</p> +<p>She knows no worthier employ</p> +<p class="i4">In life than this,</p> +<p>So to collect a fertile batch</p> +<p>Still young, still fresh enough to hatch,</p> +<p>And thus, by sterling effort, snatch</p> +<p class="i4">A mother's bliss.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But, though the futile one will lay</p> +<p>(When she's in form) an egg per day,</p> +<p>She always gives the fact away</p> +<p class="i4">With loud acclaim</p> +<p>That all the novel truth may know;</p> +<p>Whereby the unsleeping human foe</p> +<p>Derives a tip on where to go</p> +<p class="i4">To get the same.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>It does not make her senses reel,</p> +<p>This mystery, or dim her zeal,</p> +<p>Till by degrees she seems to feel</p> +<p class="i4">Her broken lot;</p> +<p>She roams aloof, she grows depressed;</p> +<p>And then, her broody sorrow guessed,</p> +<p>Men lure her to a well-filled nest</p> +<p class="i4">And bid her squat.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And now behold her, warm and wide,</p> +<p>Her rounded form well satisfied,</p> +<p>Though even in her highest pride</p> +<p class="i4">She has no luck;</p> +<p>The offspring that she tends so well</p> +<p>Are probably of alien shell;</p> +<p>Indeed, for all that she can tell,</p> +<p class="i4">They may be duck.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yes, one may grant that on the whole</p> +<p>She would not thrill the poet soul;</p> +<p>For, tho' she plays a decent <i>rôle</i></p> +<p class="i4">Beyond all doubt,</p> +<p>Where mental qualities are lacked</p> +<p>We find but little to attract;</p> +<p>She does not make, in point of fact,</p> +<p class="i4">The heart go out.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But see her when some danger lies</p> +<p>O'er her young brood, and, with wild eyes,</p> +<p>Straight at the sudden foe she flies,</p> +<p class="i4">Her full soul spurred</p> +<p>To battle with the gnashing beak—</p> +<p>A roaring tiger is more meek;</p> +<p>And somehow one is bound to speak</p> +<p class="i4">Well of the bird.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p><span class="sc">Dum-Dum.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p>From the "Found" column in <i>The +Standard</i>:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Fox Skin Fur, on Hog's Back." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The last place where you would look +for it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Natal first innings—Barnes, 5 wickets for +44 runs; Rolf, 4 for 59; Woolley, 6 for 6; +Douglas, 8 for 8; Hearne, none for 15; Bird, +1 for 9.—P.A. Foreign Special Telegram."</p> + +<p><i>Glasgow Herald.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>And yet Natal won.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page131" id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span> + +<h3>THE MISSING WORD.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/131.png"><img width="100%" src="images/131.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">The "Premier" Parrot</span> (<i>emerging from profound thought</i>). "EX——EX——EX——EX——"</p> + <p><span class="sc">John Bull.</span> "LOOK HERE, HERBERT, IF YOU'RE <i>GOING</i> TO SAY 'EXCLUSION,' FOR +HEAVEN'S SAKE <i>SAY</i> IT AND GET IT OVER!" [<i>Parrot relapses into profound thought</i>.]</p> +</div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday, February</i> +10.—Odd to find proceedings in +House to-day reminiscent of incident in +a famous trial. Occasion recognised as +supremely momentous. Marks, within +defined limit of time, crisis of bitter +controversy. Before Session closes fate +of Ireland and of the +Ministry will be settled. +<span class="sc">Premier's</span> speech awaited +with gravest anxiety. +Lobby thronged with +animated groups. Before +four o'clock—when +<span class="sc">Speaker</span> returned to +Chair elate with consciousness +of singular +foresight in having "for +greater accuracy" possessed +himself of copy of +<span class="sc">King's</span> Speech, presently +read to expectant Members, +most of whom heard +it delivered from the +Throne two hours earlier—stream +of humanity +flooded House, filling +every seat and crowding +Bar.</p> + +<p>It was at preliminary +gathering that case of +<i>Bardell</i> v. <i>Pickwick</i> was +recalled. House awaiting arrival of +Black Rod with summons to repair to +gilded Chamber. Message delivered, +<span class="sc">Speaker</span>, escorted by <span class="sc">Serjeant-at-Arms</span> +carrying Mace, marches off. From +Treasury Bench and from Front Bench +opposite, Leader of House and Leader +of Opposition simultaneously rise and +fall in. Other Ministers and ex-Ministers +with mob of Members complete +procession.</p> + +<p>When <span class="sc">Premier</span> and <span class="sc">Bonner Law</span> +met they heartily shook hands. <span class="sc">Captain +Craig</span> and <span class="sc">Moore</span> (of Armagh) looked +at each other in pained surprise.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/133a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/133a.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><i>Mr. Pickwick</i> (Captain <span class="sc">Craig</span>) regards with abhorrence the exchange of +salutations between <i>Serjeant Buzfuz</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>) and his own counsel, <i>Serjeant +Snubbin</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>).</p> +</div> + +<p>Here was the touch of nature that +makes the whole world kin. When +seated in court awaiting opening of +trial, <i>Mr. Pickwick</i> observed a learned +serjeant-at-law make friendly salutation +to his own counsel.</p> + +<p>"Who's that red-faced man who said +it was a fine morning, and nodded to our +counsel?" he whispered to his solicitor.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz," was the +reply. "He's opposed to us; he leads +on the other side."</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Pickwick</i>, it is recorded, regarded +with great abhorrence the cold-blooded +villainy of a man who, as +counsel for the opposite party, presumed +to tell <i>Mr. Serjeant Snubbin</i>, +who was counsel for him, that it was a +fine morning.</p> + +<p>Thus <span class="sc">Moore</span> (of Armagh) and the +<span class="sc">Courageous Craig</span>. Here were the +contending forces set in battle array, +and the first thing they behold is their +Captain shaking hands with the commander +of the enemy! An ominous +beginning, they agreed, well calculated +to depress the spirits of men who mean +business.</p> + +<p>It proved emblematical of what +followed. Expected that stupendous +occasion would be marked by dramatic +scenes, possibly by outbreak of disorder. +Nothing of that kind happened. +Scene was indeed impressive by reason +of Chamber being crowded from floor +to topmost bench of Strangers' +Gallery. Also, whilst <span class="sc">Premier</span> in unusually +low-spoken, comparatively halting +voice, delivered critical passages +of his speech, there was movement +marking intense interest. Multitude +on floor of House bent forward to +catch the murmured syllables. Members +crowding the side galleries stood up in +same anxious quest.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/133b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/133b.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><i>Mr. <span class="sc">John Burns</span></i> (<i>holding list of the four +new appointments to Government Departments, +including his own to the Board of Trade</i>). +"Excellent choices!—with perhaps the exception +of <span class="sc">Samuel, Hobhouse</span> and <span class="sc">Masterman</span>."</p> +</div> + +<p>Otherwise the accustomed signs and +tokens of Parliamentary crisis were +conspicuously lacking. <span class="sc">Walter Long</span>, +whose return to fighting-line +after bout of illness +was warmly welcomed on +both sides, pitched the +opening note a little low. +Not fierce enough to +gratify Ulster, he correspondingly +failed to irritate +the Home Rulers.</p> + +<p>As for <span class="sc">Premier</span>, his +part, adroitly played, was +to appear to be saying a +good deal without committing +himself to definite +pledges. Above all, not +to inflame controversy. +He brought with him unusually +copious notes, +but did not, as is his +wont on such occasions, +read from them the text +of especially weighty +passages. Spoke slowly, +occasionally in a murmur, +uttering his sentences +as if deliberately weighing each +word. Following <span class="sc">Walter Long</span>, he +was received with prolonged cheers, +testifying to personal popularity. +When he sat down cheering was more +polite than effusive.</p> + +<p>Irish Nationalists barely contributed +even to this circumspect note of approval. +Throughout nearly an hour's +speech they sat in ominous silence, +listening to passages in which they +seemed to recognise disposition on part +of <span class="sc">Premier</span> towards mood of <i>Benedick</i>, +who, when he said he would die a +bachelor, never thought he would live +to be married.</p> + +<p>Had not <span class="sc">Premier</span> within the last +twelve months frequently declared he +would never consent to exclusion of +Ulster from Home Rule Bill? And +wasn't he now showing signs of disposition +to surrender?</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Parliament reassembles. +<span class="sc">Walter Long</span>, on behalf of Opposition, +moves amendment to Address, +calling upon Government to appeal to +country before proceeding further with +Home Rule Bill.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—Interest of sitting centred +in speeches of <span class="sc">Carson</span> and <span class="sc">John +Redmond</span>. Former met with rousing +reception from Opposition. Some +Ministerialists would have liked to join +in the demonstration, not because they +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page134" id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> +share <span class="sc">Carson's</span> views or admire his +policy, but because they instinctively +feel admiration for a man of commanding +position who has sacrificed +personal and professional interests to +what he regards as the well-being of his +country. Esteem increased by merit +of his speech. Only once did he lapse +into tone and manner of personal +attack familiar to House when Ulster +Members and Nationalists, hating each +other for love of their country, join in +debate. Turning round to top bench +below Gangway, where <span class="sc">John Redmond</span> +sat attentive, he said: "If +you want Ulster, come and +take her, or come and win +her. But you have never +wanted her affections; you +have wanted her taxes."</p> + +<p>This stung to the quick. +<span class="sc">Redmond</span>, leaping to his feet +when <span class="sc">Carson</span> resumed his +seat, hotly denounced accusation +as unworthy of his +countryman.</p> + +<p>House already began to +show signs of satiety. Long +intervals when benches were +empty. <span class="sc">Cousin Hugh</span>, speaking +at favourable hour of six +o'clock, failed to attract an +audience to whom he might +present his cheering forecast +of an interval of six weeks +spent in listening to speeches +of Members below the Gangway, +"poked up by the <span class="sc">Chancellor +of the Exchequer</span> +to attack the <span class="sc">First Lord of +the Admiralty</span>." Benches +crowded whilst <span class="sc">Carson</span> and +<span class="sc">Redmond</span> spoke. Filled up +again when <span class="sc">Chancellor of +Exchequer</span> in brief speech +wound up debate on behalf +of Government, and <span class="sc">Bonner +Law</span>, as usual unencumbered +by notes, replied.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Demand +for immediate dissolution negatived by +333 votes against 255. Opposition +elate at reduced majority.</p> + +<p>"I fancy," said <span class="sc">Premier</span>, smiling +serenely upon the <span class="sc">Winsome Winston</span>, +"they would gladly suffer from our complaint."</p> + +<p><i>House of Lords, Thursday.</i>—Noble +Lords, having disposed of Address, +already find themselves in condition of +frozen-out gardeners who have no work +to do. Session but a few days old has +already afforded fresh sign of disposition +to belittle hereditary Chamber.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/134.png"><img width="100%" src="images/134.png" alt=""/></a> + <p>"Noble Lords already find themselves in condition of frozen-out +gardeners who have no work to do."</p> + <p>(Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span> and Lord <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span>.)</p> +</div> + + +<p>It happened thus. On opening night +Lord <span class="sc">Londonderry</span>, making his way +along Peers' Gallery in Commons, came +upon extraordinary sight. A stranger +on front seat overlooking sacred quarter +allotted to Peers, finding himself incommoded +by hat and overcoat, neatly +folded up the latter, dropped it on the +Peers' bench beneath and carefully +placed his hat upon it. Hadn't <span class="sc">Lloyd +George</span> demonstrated that the land +belonged to the people? Here was +undeveloped space. As a free man +he claimed it for his own uses.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Londonderry</span>, halting, angrily regarded +the incumbrance. Turned about +with evident intention of calling attendant's +notice to unparalleled liberty. +At that moment his eye fell on the +countenance of the stranger. Could it +be? Yes; it was the school proprietor +whose patriotic offer of aid to Ulster +in approaching civil war he had a few +days earlier reported to an admiring +nation. Letter offered to provide for +two sons of any Ulster volunteer who +fell in battle with the myrmidons of an +iniquitous Ministry. As sometimes +happens, pearl of the letter was hidden +in the postscript. Writer explained that +he could not very well go to the war +himself but would send his partner.</p> + +<p>Recognition placed new aspect on +little affair. <span class="sc">Londonderry</span> perceived +it was simple ignorance of customs of +the place that led to apparent indiscretion. +So with genial nod passed on +to seat over the clock.</p> + +<p>Few minutes later outraged attendant, +catching sight of the bundle, peremptorily +ordered its removal.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—By 243 votes against +55 Lords carried <span class="sc">Middleton's</span> amendment +to Address demanding immediate +dissolution. <span class="sc">Willoughby de Broke</span> +communicated to the <span class="sc">Member for Sark</span> +his conviction that this hide-bound +Government will take no notice of the +mandate.</p> + +<p>"Reminds me," said the Bold Baron, +brushing away a manly tear, "of a +hymn I learned in the nursery:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>'Tis not enough to say</p> +<p class="i2">You're sorry and repent</p> +<p>If you go on in the same way</p> +<p class="i2">As you did always went.'"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>ANOTHER HAPPY ACCIDENT.</h3> + +<p>(<i>From "The Daily Sale."</i>)</p> + +<p><i>The Daily Sale</i> has peculiar +pleasure in announcing that +another of its insured readers +has been gravely injured by +an accident to the taxi-cab, +omnibus, train or tram, in (or +on) which he was travelling +at the time of the disaster. +The name of this reader +(whose portrait is given) is +Mr. Vivian Brackendope, the +well-known amateur actor of +Burton-on-Beer. Mr. Vivian +Brackendope is indeed a lucky +man. He is the ninth of our +readers to be badly smashed +up during the past six weeks. +Now, who will be the tenth? +Fill up the coupon on page 2 +and <i>you</i> will be eligible.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>An Admirable Crichton.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +"In the list of successes in the +Cambridge Local Examinations we +notice the name of P. T. Harris, +of Wellingborough Grammar +School, who gained credit for himself +and his school by passing in every subject +and gaining four distinctions, the distinctions +being gained in arithmetic, French, algebra, +and Little Bowden Pig Club." +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Market Harborough Advertiser.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">Country Life</span>: an Illustrated Journal for +all interested in Country Life and Country +Pursuits, complete from its beginning in 1897 +to June 1906, <i>profusely illustrated with views +of ancient and modern seats, Country scenes, +sporting incidents, and portraits of winning +horses, prize beasts, and fashionable beauties."</i></p> + +<p><i>Bookseller's List.</i></p> +</blockquote> + + +<p>An ungallant sequence.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>The Wish is Father to the Thought.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +"Then, after a last earnest statement of +the Ulster position by Mr. Gordon, the Chancellor +of the Exchequer rose to wind up the +Government."—<i>Daily Telegraph.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page135" id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/135a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/135a.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><i>Ardent Young Lady Visitor</i> (<i>who is being shown over author's sanctum</i>). "<span class="sc">How perfectly <i>sweet</i> it must be to have a room +where one can work without being disturbed</span>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>A TYPICAL AMERICAN.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/135b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/135b.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><i>David Quixano</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Walker Whiteside</span>) +to <i>Herr Pappelmeister</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Clifton Alderson</span>). +"I cannot take a fee for playing in your +orchestra. I am too Quixanotic to do a +thing like that."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p>"<span class="sc">The Melting Pot</span>."</p> + +<p>It is impossible not to respect the +earnestness of Mr. <span class="sc">Zangwill</span> when he +treats of the persecution of his co-religionists +in Russia, or their social +exclusion in America. But when he +appeals to an English audience he is +addressing the converted. It is a good +many years since the pogram was a +popular form of amusement in this +country, and at present the Jew is the +flattered idol of English Society. It +may seem surprising that his play +should have had so great a success in +the States, where they are not supposed +to have a passion for hearing home +truths. But then its main theme is +the glorification of America as the +Melting Pot or crucible into which are +flung the wrongs and hatreds and +slaveries of the old world, to re-appear +in the shape of justice and love and +freedom. This is the theme upon +which <i>David Quixano</i>, a Kishineff +Jew who has lost all his family in a +massacre, goes from time to time into +an orgy of lyrical raptures. And indeed +the swiftness with which the naturalised +immigrant, of just any nationality, +assimilates himself to local conditions, +instantly changing his heart with his +change of sky, and learning to wave +his stars and stripes with the best of +the native-born, must seem miraculous +to the ordinary patriot. And here we +touch the weak spot in Mr. <span class="sc">Zangwill's</span> +pæan of the Melting Pot. For those +who migrate to America for the sake +of its democratic freedom are the few; +and those who go there for the sake +of its dollars are the many; and into +the Melting Pot—or, to use an image +more apposite to indigenous tastes, its +Sausage Machine—are thrown not only +the wrongs and hatreds of unhappy +races but also the dear traditions of +birth and blood and family ties and +pride of country, to emerge in a uniform +pattern without a past.</p> + +<p>For his plot, Mr. <span class="sc">Zangwill</span> relies +upon a very stagy coincidence. <i>Quixano</i> +falls in love with a young Russian girl +who conducts a Settlement Home in +New York, and conquers her prejudice +against his race, only to find that she is +the daughter of the very officer who +permitted the massacre at Kishineff in +which <i>Quixano's</i> family had perished, +and himself been wounded. In turn +he naturally has his own prejudices to +conquer, and does so. But not till he +has scared us with the fear that he is +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> +going to be false to his theory of purification +by process of the Melting Pot.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Walker Whiteside</span>, who plays +the part, was excellent in his quiet moods, +and when he was obliged to rant was no +worse than other ranters. The superb +solidity of Mr. <span class="sc">Sass</span> as the Russian +officer served as an admirable foil to the +mercurial methods of <i>Quixano</i>. Miss +<span class="sc">Phyllis Relph</span> as the heroine mitigated +the effect of her obvious sincerity +by a bad trick of showing her nice +teeth. Mr. <span class="sc">Perceval Clark</span>, as a +young American millionaire, was pleasantly +British. Humorous relief of a +cosmopolitan order was provided by +the Irish brogue of Miss <span class="sc">O'Connor</span>; +the broken English of Miss <span class="sc">Gillian +Scaife</span>; the Anglo-German of Mr. <span class="sc">Clifton +Alderson</span> who played very well +as <i>Herr Pappelmeister</i> (Kapellmeister +to a New York orchestra); and what I +took to be the Yiddish of Miss <span class="sc">Inez +Bensusan</span> as the aunt of the hero, a +pathetic figure of an old lady with firm +views about the keeping of the Jewish +Sabbath, and a pedantic habit of +celebrating with a false nose and other +marks of hilarity the anniversary of +the escape of the Chosen People from +a Persian pogram twenty-five centuries +ago.</p> + +<p>It might seem from this long catalogue +of humorists that frivolity was +the prevailing note of the play. But I +can give assurances that this was not so. +The prevailing note was a high seriousness, +culminating in the last Act, when +tedium supervened. I attribute my +final depression in part to the scene—a +bird's-eye view of New York from the +roof-garden of the Settlement House. +It was impossible to share <i>Quixano's</i> +spasm of exaltation in the matter of the +Melting Pot as he gazed on this very +indifferent example of scenic art.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">"A Midsummer Night's Dream."</span></p> + +<p>I am not sure that Mr. <span class="sc">Granville +Barker's</span> faithful followers are being +quite kindly entreated by him. He +happens to have a keen sense of humour +and for some little while he has been +trying, with a very grave face, to see +how much they will swallow. This +time, everybody else except the initiated +can see the bulge in his cheek where +his tongue comes.</p> + +<p>The alleged faults of the old school, +which the new was to correct, were +(1) an over-elaboration of detail in the +setting; (2) a realism which challenged +reality. ("Challenge," I understand, is +the catch-word they use.) Both these +qualities were supposed to distract +attention from the drama itself. The +answer, almost too obvious to be worth +stating, is that the grotesque and the +eccentric are vastly more distracting +than the elaborate; and that, if you +only sound the loud symbol loud +enough the audience has no ear left at +all for the actual words. As for the +"challenging" of reality the new school +would argue that, as the stage is a thing +of convention to start with—artificial +light, no natural atmosphere or perspective, +no fourth wall, and so on—all +the rest should be convention too. The +answer, again almost too obvious, is +that, since the audience has to bear +the strain of unavoidable convention, +you should not wantonly add to their +worry. And, anyhow, the human +figures on your stage (I leave out +fairies and superhumans for the moment) +are bound to challenge reality +by the fact that they are alive. If Mr. +<span class="sc">Barker</span> wants to be consistent (and he +would probably repudiate so Philistine +a suggestion) his figures should be +marionettes worked by strings; and +for words—if you <i>must</i> have words—he +might himself read the text from a +corner of the top landing of his proscenium.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/136.png"><img width="100%" src="images/136.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><i>Hermia</i> (Miss <span class="sc">Laura Cowie</span>). "I upon this +bank will rest my head."</p> +</div> + +<p>And the strange thing is that no one +in the world has a nicer sense of the +beauty of <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span> verse than +Mr. <span class="sc">Barker</span>. Indeed he protests in his +preface: "They (the fairies) must be not +too startling.... <i>They mustn't warp +your imagination—stepping too boldly +between <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span> spirit and +yours.</i>" (The italics are my own comment.) +He is of course free, within +limits, to choose his own convention +about fairies, because we have never +seen them, though some of us say we +have. Mr. <span class="sc">Chesterton</span> naturally says +they can be of any size; Mr. <span class="sc">Barker</span> +says they can be of any age from little +<i>Peaseblossom</i> and his young friends to +hoary antiques with moustaches like +ram's horns and beards trickling down +to their knees. And as many as like it, +and are not afraid of being poisoned, +may have gilt faces that make them +look like Hindoo idols with the +miraculous gift of perspiration. But +he should please remember that the +play is not his own. It is, in point of +fact, <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span>, and I am certain +he was not properly consulted about the +Orientalisation of the fairies out of his +Warwickshire woodlands. You will be +told that he <i>has</i> been properly consulted; +that he himself makes <i>Titania</i> +say that <i>Oberon</i> has "come from the +furthest steppe of India," and that she +too had breathed "the spiced Indian +air." But on the same authority Mr. +<span class="sc">Barker</span> might just as well have fixed +on Asia Minor or Greece as their provenance. +She charges <i>Oberon</i> with +knowing <i>Hippolyta</i> too well, and he +accuses her of making <i>Theseus</i> break +faith with a number of ladies. Clearly +they were a travelling company and +would never have confined themselves +to the costumes of any particular clime.</p> + +<p>Anyhow, when at His Majesty's you +saw <i>Oberon</i> in sylvan dress moving +lightly through a wood that looked like +a wood (and so left your mind free to +listen to him), you could believe in all +the lovely things he had to say; but +when you saw Mr. <span class="sc">Barker's</span> <i>Oberon</i> +standing stark, like a painted graven +image, with yellow cheeks and red eyebrows, +up against a symbolic painted +cloth, and telling you that he knows a +bank where the wild thyme blows, you +know quite well that he knows nothing +of the kind; and you don't believe a +word of it.</p> + +<p>But, to leave <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> decently +out of the question, I liked the gold +dresses of the fairies enormously, so +long as <i>Puck</i>—a sort of adult Struwel-Puck +that got badly on my nerves—was +not there, destroying every colour +scheme with his shrieking scarlet suit, +which went with nothing except a few +vermilion eyebrows. I liked too the +grace of their simple chain-dances on +the green mound (English dances, you +will note, and English tunes—not Indian). +But in the last scene, where they +interlace among the staring columns, +their movements lacked space. Indeed +that was the trouble all through; that, +and the pitiless light that poured point-blank +upon the stage from the 12.6 +muzzles protruding from the bulwarks +of the dress-circle. There was no distance, +no suggestion of the spirit-world, +no sense of mystery (except in regard +to Mr. <span class="sc">Barker's</span> intentions).</p> + +<p>The best scene was the haunt of +<i>Titania</i>, with its background of Liberty +curtains very cleverly disposed. As +drapery they were excellent, but as +symbols of a forest I found them a +little arbitrary. I do not mind a forest +being indicated, if you are short of +foliage, by a couple of trees (in tubs, if +you like) or even a single tree; but +somehow—and the fault is probably +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> +mine—the spectacle of hanging drapery +does not immediately suggest to me +the idea of birds' nests. I am afraid I +should be just as stupid if Mr. <span class="sc">Barker</span> +gave me the same convention the other +way round, and showed an interior +with foliage to indicate window-curtains.</p> + +<p>The play itself, with its rather foolish +figures from the Court and the easy +buffoonery of its peasants, does not offer +great chances of acting; and Miss +<span class="sc">Laura Cowie</span> was the only one in the +cast who added to her reputation. Her +<i>Hermia</i> was a delightful performance +full of charm and piquancy and real +intelligence. Miss <span class="sc">Lillah McCarthy</span> +sacrificed something of her personality +to the exigences of a flaxen chevelure. +Mr. <span class="sc">Holloway's</span> <i>Theseus</i> was wanting +in kingliness, and his hunting scene +was perhaps the worst thing in the play. +He was not greatly helped by his +<i>Hippolyta</i>, for Miss <span class="sc">Evelyn Hope</span> +never began to look like a leader of +Amazons. Miss <span class="sc">Christine Silver's</span> +<i>Titania</i> had a certain domestic sweetness, +but even a queen of fairies might +be a little more queenly. Mr. <span class="sc">Dennis +Neilson-Terry</span> as <i>Oberon</i> was a +curiously effeminate figure for those +who recalled the manly bearing of his +mother in the same part. Of the two +bemused Athenian lovers, Mr. <span class="sc">Swinley</span>, +as <i>Lysander</i>, bore himself as bravely as +could be expected.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Nigel Playfair</span> had, of course, no +difficulty with the part of <i>Bottom</i>, and +Mr. <span class="sc">Arthur Whitby's</span> <i>Quince</i> and +Mr. <span class="sc">Quartermaine's</span> <i>Flute</i> were both +excellent. It is to the credit of the whole +troupe of rustic players that nobody +tried to force the fun.</p> + +<p>Apart from a slight tendency to +hurry, a trick that, except in swift +dialogue or passionate speech, gives the +effect of something learnt by heart and +not spontaneous, the delivery of the +lines—and some of <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span> most +exquisite are here—was done soundly.</p> + +<p>Finally, no one who wants to keep +level with the table-talk of the day +should miss this interesting and intriguing +production, especially if he hasn't +been to <i>Parsifal</i>.</p> + +<p>O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>HOW TO GET YOUR PHOTOGRAPH INTO THE ILLUSTRATED DAILY PAPERS.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/137a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137a.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">Be the only lady fireman In +Yorkshire.</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/137b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137b.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">Or be the only wooden-legged +roller-skater in Holland Park.</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/137c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137c.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">Or be the double of some celebrity.</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/137d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137d.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">Or become unexpectedly heir to +a large fortune left by an uncle +who emigrated to America at the +age of six with half-a-crown, and +lived to become the Hairpin King. +It is usual in this case to be +photographed just after you have +realised that the fortune is in +dollars, not pounds. Sometimes the +lawyer who discovered you, and +assisted you to establish your +claim, is included in this photograph.</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/137e.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137e.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">Or make a musical instrument out of +something else.</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/137f.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137f.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">Or you might be a foster-mother.</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/137g.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137g.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">Or you might, owing to lack of funds, sweep the chimney of +the Sunday-school yourself.</span></p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/137h.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137h.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">But, after all, the pleasantest way is to +back the winner of a double and get +£40,000 to 5/-.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Over Mont Blanc by Aeroplane.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><i>"'Thou, too, hoar Mount! with they sky-pointing peaks,</i></p> +<p><i>Oft from whose feet the avalanche, unheard,</i></p> +<p><i>Shoots downward.'"</i>—<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Conquered, alas! and by one of they +dratted flying machines.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Eastbourne.—Furnished double-fronted +villa, from April, for six or twelve months; +facing south; near the downs, fifteen months +from pier, five from 'buses."—<i>The Lady.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Too near for us.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TO SEPTIMIUS ON TROUT.</h2> + +<p>(<i>A February Ode.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>To-day the young year in her sleep was stirring</p> +<p class="i4">In woods and hearts of men;</p> +<p>To-night 'tis sharper and the cold's recurring—</p> +<p class="i4">Septimius, what then?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Draw in and talk of politics and speeches</p> +<p class="i4">To the old tiresome tune?</p> +<p>Not we who saw pale sunshine on the beeches</p> +<p class="i4">Only this afternoon;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Who saw the snowdrops frail in woodland hollows,</p> +<p class="i4">Who heard the building rooks</p> +<p>Herald a time of flowers and skimming swallows,</p> +<p class="i4">Green fields and brawling brooks!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Nay, pledge anew, Septimius, such gages</p> +<p class="i4">Of May-time's radiant rout</p> +<p>Till, as becometh fishermen and sages,</p> +<p class="i4">Our talk shall trend to trout—</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>To little trout, to little streams that scurry</p> +<p class="i4">Where the hill curlews cry,</p> +<p>O'er which the neophyte may splash and flurry,</p> +<p class="i4">Yet heap his basket high;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>To careful trout, for pundits skilled and wary,</p> +<p class="i4">That use upon the chalk,</p> +<p>Plump and recondite, dubious and chary—</p> +<p class="i4">On such shall turn our talk.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Then since we're of the Faithful, vowed to follow</p> +<p class="i4">Old Thames's placid flow,</p> +<p>We'll breathe of his leviathans that wallow,</p> +<p class="i4">In bated tones and low;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And I mayhap shall say a word in token</p> +<p class="i4">Of one prodigious friend</p> +<p>Who lurks—excuse a statement more outspoken—</p> +<p class="i4">'Twixt Marlow and Bourne End;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>While you, Septimius, set memory roaming</p> +<p class="i4">To That which smashed amain</p> +<p>Your trace of proof, and hint how some soft gloaming</p> +<p class="i4">He yet shall come again.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>So shall we sit this firelit hour, contriving</p> +<p class="i4">Blue halcyon days that hold</p> +<p>The lisp of streams in crisping reed-beds striving,</p> +<p class="i4">And meadows spun with gold.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Insurance business is ransacted."</p> + +<p><i>Quarterly Post Office Guide, p. 154.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The influence of Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> +again.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>INTELLECTUAL DAMAGE TO ANIMALS.</h2> + +<p>We gather from <i>The Daily Sketch</i> +that a reverend gentleman at Herne +Bay has just founded the S. P. M. C. A., +or "Society for the Prevention of +Mental Cruelty to Animals," and holds, +as part of his propaganda, that the Zoo +should be disbanded and abolished, and, +in fact, that no wild animals or birds +should be kept anywhere in captivity +at all.</p> + +<p>The S. P. M. C. A. fills a long-felt want. +Everyone with any sense of politeness +or tact must recognise that it is grossly +improper to wound the feelings of the +lower orders of creation by the opprobrious +use of such epithets as ass, donkey, +cat, mule, pig, goose, monkey, and +so on. Picture the mental torture and +degradation undergone by the self-respecting +rodent who overhears the +contemptuous exclamation, "Rats!" +Realise, if you can, the stigma attached +to the hard-working order of garden +annelids when, possibly in their very +presence, one human being addresses +another as a "worm"!</p> + +<p>Then, again, take the deplorable +breaches of etiquette on the part of +visitors at the Zoo. We ourselves +have heard the most uncomplimentary +allusions made to the appearance of +the baboons and the hippopotamus, in +the hearing of those unfortunate creatures, +and quite regardless of their +<i>amour propre</i>. The callous Cockney +takes care to insult his helpless victims +only when they are behind bars and +cannot retaliate effectively. One shudders +to think of the mental humiliation +that is daily experienced by the warthog +and the mandrill. And even the +nobler animals—the lions and bears—are +not allowed to escape without +prejudicial comment, especially at feeding-time. +Not the slightest deference +is paid to the private opinions and +sentiments of these carnivores by the +vulgar crowd of sight-seers. The +parrots alone can ease their harassed +souls and have the last word with the +passer-by.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, we have to apologise to +our cat for having recently upbraided +him rather too freely for his nocturnal +habits and general lack of discipline, +not having considered the shock of +such language to his sensitive mind.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Zig-zag.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Young lady requires secretarial work of +any kind, good writer and correspondent, +accustomed to literary work, or would write +up Parish fashions."—<i>Daily Mail.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Smocks are no longer being worn. Sun-bonnets +may be expected in a few +months.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/139.png"><img width="100%" src="images/139.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><i>Lady</i> (<i>in small Irish hotel</i>). <span class="sc">"Waiter, +take away that bottle and put some clean water in it."</span></p> + <p><i>Waiter.</i> <span class="sc">"Faith, Mum, the wather's all right; 'tis the bottle +that's dirty."</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + +<p>"Anyhow, I can remember this Court and can tell a tale +it plays a part in, only not very quick." Thus Mr. <span class="sc">William +De Morgan</span>, introductory, on the fourth page of his latest +novel, When <i>Ghost meets Ghost</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>). Before it +ends there have been as near nine hundred pages of it as +makes no difference; and the things that the author remembers +in the course of the tale, and the not-very-quickness +with which he tells it, must be seen to be believed. The +main outline of this more than leisurely plot is concerned +with the coming together of two aged twin sisters, each of +whom has been living for years in ignorance of the other's +existence, so that they meet at last almost as ghosts. +Hence the title. But you will not need to be told that +there is ever so much more in the nine hundred pages than +this. There are the children <i>Dave and Dolly</i>, for example; +likewise <i>Uncle Mo'</i>, and any quantity of humble London +types; not to mention the group that includes <i>Lady Gwen</i>, +and <i>Adrian Torrens</i>, and a score of others, all drawn with +that verbal Pre-Raphaelitism in which the author takes +such obvious delight. For myself I must honestly confess +that I have found it a little overwhelming; but that, after +all, is a question of individual taste. I suppose there is one +comparison that is inevitable. I had meant to say never +a word about <span class="sc">Charles Dickens</span> in this notice, but, like the +head of another <span class="sc">Charles</span>, it would come; and when the +chief house in the story began to rumble and finally +collapsed in a cloud of dust—well, could anyone help being +reminded of how the same incident was handled by the +master of such terrors? In brief, this latest De Morgan +left me with a profound and increased respect for the author; +some little envy for the reader whose time and taste enable +him to enjoy it as it should be enjoyed; and, for proof-readers +and reviewers, a very pure sympathy.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The <i>Duchess of Wrexe</i> (<span class="sc">Secker</span>) is, I think, the longest +as it is certainly the most substantial novel that Mr. <span class="sc">Hugh +Walpole</span> has yet given us. It is the work of one who +has already made himself a force in modern fiction, and +after this book will have more than ever to be reckoned +with. Whether the reckoning will be to all tastes is +another matter; I incline to think not. Four hundred +closely printed pages, in which hardly anything happens to +the bodies of the characters, but a great deal to their spirits—this +perhaps is toughish meat for the ordinary devourer +of fiction. But for the others this study of the passing of +an epoch, the time of the Old Society, as symbolised by the +figure of the <i>Duchess</i>, will be a delight. You might suppose +from this (if you were unfamiliar with your author) that +we had here a social comedy. Nothing in fact could be +further from Mr. <span class="sc">Walpole's</span> design. For him, as for his +characters, there is almost too haunting a sense of the +tragedy of trivial things. No one in the book is happy. +The <i>Duchess</i> herself, stern, aloof, terrible, broken but never +bent by the oncoming of the New Order; the various +members of the family whom she terrified; <i>Rachel</i>, the +granddaughter, between whom and the old woman there +exists the bond of one of those hatreds in which Mr. +<span class="sc">Walpole</span> so exults; the secretary, <i>Lizzie Rand</i>—all of +them are tremendously and miserably alive. I think the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page140" id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span> +matter is that they have too much sensibility, of the modern +kind. They see too many meanings. A primrose by a +river's brim, or more probably in a flower-seller's basket, is +not for them a simple primrose, but a portent of soul-shaking +significance. To make up for this the author has +gifted them with his own exquisite sense of colour and +words, and especially a feeling for the beauty of London +that at times almost reconciles them to life. But I could +wish them merrier.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Harold Spender's</span> new novel, <i>One Man Returns</i> +(<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>), opens with a very powerful and dramatic +situation. Nothing in its way could be better than +the description of the lonely <i>Trevena</i> family, of their vigil +during the terrible storm, of the shipwreck and the sudden +arrival of the two strangers, father and son, who are +its only survivors. The father dies immediately without +revealing his identity, and the son, slowly nursed back to +health by the devoted care of <i>Enid Trevena</i>, resumes his +life without any consciousness of the past, having forgotten +even his own name. As +a matter of fact he is +<i>Cyril Oswald</i>, the lawful +inheritor of Oswald Hall +and great estates, which, +of course, pass into the +possession of the nearest +villain. This is <i>Major +Harley</i>, a gentleman of a +lurid past and an infamous +present, mitigated +only by the fact that he +has a beautiful and +amiable daughter, +<i>Dorothy</i>, who, having +been educated at Roedean +School, conceives herself +to be qualified to run +after beagles. In the +natural course of things +she sprains her ankle +and is beloved by <i>Rupert +Sandford</i>, the chief +beagler of the novel. She +then quarrels with her disgraceful parent, is adopted by <i>Mrs. +Sandford</i> (mother to <i>Rupert</i>), and becomes the affianced bride +of <i>Rupert</i>, though for a time she had been inclined to look +with favour on <i>Cyril</i>. This young gentleman eventually +recovers his estates by course of law and returns to Cornwall +and <i>Enid</i> just in time to cut out that young lady from +under the guns of <i>Merrifield</i>, a South African millionaire +who had complicated the situation by providing <i>Cyril</i> with +money for his law-suit. What happened to <i>Major Harley</i> +is not stated, but I presume he must have drunk off the +phial of poison which such desperate adventurers always +carry concealed about their persons.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"The matrimonial career of suburban lovers," says Miss +<span class="sc">Jessie Pope</span> in a prologue to <i>The Tracy Tubbses</i> (<span class="sc">Mills +and Boon</span>), "is seldom variegated by so many curious +happenings as fell to the lot of Mr. and Mrs. <i>Tracy Tubbs</i>;" +and to this statement I can give my unqualified assent. +No sooner were the <i>T. T.'s</i> married than they were beset by +such wonderful and various misfortunes that I should like to +try and "place" them. The Lion, I think, won in a canter, +<i>Aunt Julia</i> was a bad second, and The Chafing-dish was +third, while among the "also ran" were several Policemen, +The Balloon, <i>Cross-eyed Cranstone</i> and The Motor-Bicycle. +But whether the <i>T. T.'s</i> were nearly devoured by wild +beasts or merely annoyed by aunts and chafing-dishes, they +continued to embrace each other with magnificent heartiness +whenever they had a moment to spare. In short, +Miss <span class="sc">Pope's</span> high spirits never flag; and, even if you fail +to be amused by all the incidents in the <i>T. T.'s</i> career, you +will be glad to make the acquaintance—under a new aspect, +for Miss <span class="sc">Pope's</span> talent as a maker of light verse is established—of +a writer so unaffectedly cheerful and exhilarating.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"I cannot marry you or any man; <i>I am not free</i>," said +<i>Polly Adair</i> to <i>Hemingway</i>, and the italics were her own. +For my part, having been rather pointedly informed earlier +in the story that the lady was understood in Zanzibar to +be a widow, I began at this stage to suspect that there was +something lacking in the lateness of <i>Mr. Adair</i>. This was +a great pity, because <i>Polly</i> and <i>Hemingway</i> were obviously +meant for each other, as she and he and I and Mr. <span class="sc">Richard +Harding Davis</span> were unanimously agreed. But there the +fatal obstacle was, whatever it might be. "I am not free," +she repeated, and again the italics were her very own. +After much to-do, it came +out that what she meant +was that she had a +brother who oughtn't to +be free; ought, if justice +were done, to be picking +oakum or whatever else +they pick in their leisure +hours way back in U.S.A. +And this was the whole +and the sole fatal obstacle! +<i>Hemingway</i> took it +as it came; Mr. <span class="sc">Davis</span> +seemed quite pleased +about it; but I felt that +I had been wantonly +deceived. Baffle me by +all means, said I, but do +not lie to me. Maybe I +was not in a good temper +at the time, for the three +preceding stories were +not calculated to stir the +gentlest reader's sympathies. +Possibly I am not in a good temper now, for the +three later stories (though "<i>The God of Coincidence</i>" only +just missed fire) were not distracting enough to deaden my +sense of injury. A pity, for <i>The Lost Road</i> (<span class="sc">Duckworth</span>) +has such a good cover and the name of such a good author +on the back of it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/140.png"><img width="100%" src="images/140.png" alt=""/></a> + <p><span class="sc">As dress parades have become quite a feature of +modern life, surely the restaurant offers a rich field of advertisement +for the enterprising outfitter through the medium of waiters</span>.</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>Editorial Candour.</h3> + +<p>Notice in <i>Nash's Magazine</i> at the beginning of a new +serial:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"The theme of this story is a strange one handled with the consummate +skill one expects from so clever a writer as Gouverneur +Morris.... This story will stimulate your interest. It is quite +different from anything Mr. Morris has previously written." +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Cambridge.</p> + +<p>The appointment of Mr. W. W. Buckland, of Caius, to be Regius +Professor of Civil War is in accordance with general expectation, +though there were those who thought that the Government might go +outside the circle of University teachers."—<i>The Record.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span> was surely indicated.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">Canary Wanted</span>.—Young, intelligent bird wanted for training. +For right bird, right price paid. Apply, with bird, Tuesday morning +next, at 11 o'clock. M. D., Stage Door, Palladium, London, W.C."</p> + +<p><i>The Referee.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Dangerous, asking for the bird like that.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +146, February 18, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 22576-h.htm or 22576-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/5/7/22576/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, David King, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/22576-h/images/121.png b/22576-h/images/121.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aeec512 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/121.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/123.png b/22576-h/images/123.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8dc3fd9 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/123.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/125.png b/22576-h/images/125.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7963755 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/125.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/126.png b/22576-h/images/126.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..829d82e --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/126.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/127.png b/22576-h/images/127.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0780a42 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/127.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/129.png b/22576-h/images/129.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6f6cf4f --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/129.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/130.png b/22576-h/images/130.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e961c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/130.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/131.png b/22576-h/images/131.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..02689d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/131.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/133a.png b/22576-h/images/133a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..80069dd --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/133a.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/133b.png b/22576-h/images/133b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..db4bfca --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/133b.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/134.png b/22576-h/images/134.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dbeecda --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/134.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/135a.png b/22576-h/images/135a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c8ff4d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/135a.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/135b.png b/22576-h/images/135b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ae66f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/135b.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/136.png b/22576-h/images/136.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d5928de --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/136.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/137a.png b/22576-h/images/137a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bf97179 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/137a.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/137b.png b/22576-h/images/137b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..938e928 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/137b.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/137c.png b/22576-h/images/137c.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f996501 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/137c.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/137d.png b/22576-h/images/137d.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6303f81 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/137d.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/137e.png b/22576-h/images/137e.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed9d0d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/137e.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/137f.png b/22576-h/images/137f.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d8d699a --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/137f.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/137g.png b/22576-h/images/137g.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe27687 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/137g.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/137h.png b/22576-h/images/137h.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5ee8bbf --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/137h.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/139.png b/22576-h/images/139.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f164ce2 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/139.png diff --git a/22576-h/images/140.png b/22576-h/images/140.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5a8c444 --- /dev/null +++ b/22576-h/images/140.png |
