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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+February 18, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 18, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 11, 2007 [EBook #22576]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, David King, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 146.
+
+February 18, 1914
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"I come," said Mr. LLOYD GEORGE last week, "from a farming stock right
+down from the Flood. The first thing a farmer wants is to be secure." It
+was of course during the Flood that the insecurity of land tenure was
+most noticeable.
+
+    ***
+
+Lord CARRICK, who a few months ago was appearing in a sketch at the
+Coliseum, seconded the Address in the House of Lords. We are glad to
+note the growth of ties between Parliament and the Stage, and we are not
+without hope that before long a further link will be added in the person
+of SIR GEORGE ALEXANDER.
+
+    ***
+
+A new form of flying boat is being built in America, in which it is
+hoped that somebody may fly from Newfoundland to Ireland in fifteen
+hours. In the event of Home Rule, we trust, for the sake of the intrepid
+aviator, that a still fleeter flying boat will be designed for the
+return journey.
+
+    ***
+
+A resident of Waltham Abbey has just received a letter with a Waltham
+Cross post-mark on the back of the envelope dated February, 31, 1914. We
+understand that the recipient proposes to return the letter to the Post
+Office marked "Date unknown."
+
+    ***
+
+With reference to the Old Time Supper which is to be a feature of the
+Chelsea Arts Club Ball we are requested to state that it must not be
+taken that all the food offered for consumption on that occasion will
+bear the stamp of antiquity.
+
+    ***
+
+An enterprising publisher has, it is rumoured, persuaded no less a
+personage than Mr. LLOYD GEORGE to write some books for him, and we are
+promised at an early date, "Essays on Lamb (shorn)," "The Fortunes of
+Montrose," and other works of creative fancy.
+
+    ***
+
+"I was shaved yesterday by a highly intelligent young Pole," says a
+writer in _The Express_. The Barber's Pole is of course a very old
+institution.
+
+    ***
+
+"Old Masters--VELASQUEZ and so on--what are they?" said Mr. Justice EVE
+last week during a case dealing with pictures. "I should turn them into
+cash if they were mine." Seeing how often the old fellows painted EVE'S
+portrait, this _dictum_ of his Lordship strikes one as ungracious.
+
+    ***
+
+Messrs. BRYANT AND MAY have issued a brochure describing how little
+houses may be made out of matches. A companion volume, entitled "How to
+light them," by a Suffragette, may be expected shortly.
+
+    ***
+
+It is sometimes asked, Why do so few individuals when sentenced to death
+for murder take advantage of their right to appeal? The answer is,
+Because the Court of Criminal Appeal has the power of increasing a
+sentence.
+
+    ***
+
+    "Samuel, in the spirit of a notorious member of his race, one
+    Pontius Pilate, disavows all responsibility in the matter of the
+    shooting of Englishmen in the Transvaal."
+
+    _New Witness._
+
+_Mr. Punch_ (to Mr. SAMUEL) _Ave! Civis Romane!_
+
+    ***
+
+[Illustration: _Butler_ (_to new servant from the country_). "When
+you've quite finished cleaning next door's steps perhaps you would
+kindly begin on our own."]
+
+    ***
+
+    "BRIC-A-BRAC.--'My Somali Book' is a work by Captain Mosse, who
+    spent a considerable time in the country, which Sampson Low is
+    about to publish."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+Modesty is all very well in its place, but to publish an area of over
+400,000 square miles and then call the feat "Bric-à-Brac"--well!
+
+    ***
+
+    "The full penalty of £20 and costs was imposed at Croydon
+    Borough Police-court upon Ernest Montefiore de Wilton, of St.
+    James's-street, W., for exceeding the ten-mile limit at Southend
+    on Jan. 25.
+
+    Burroughes & Watts' Billiard Tables for Speed."--_Daily
+    Telegraph._
+
+Mr. DE WILTON, reading the advertisement: "No, thanks. A really slow
+table for me."
+
+    ***
+
+THE STRIKE OF SCHOOL-TEACHERS.
+
+Sir,--Is the nation properly alive to the seriousness of the educational
+_impasse_ in Herefordshire? Personally I view with alarm the state of
+things of which that is a symptom.
+
+What will it mean if this sort of thing spreads, as I fear it may? We
+shall have the children of our working-classes growing up ill-educated
+and with imperfect manners. Their spelling will become phonetic. They
+will cease to speak grammatically. They will lose their pleasing accent.
+Their lack of instruction in arithmetic may even lead them into errors
+savouring of criminality. Worse, they will fall back in their
+appreciation of music, art and poetry. They will be reading trashy and
+sensational literature rather than the classical works to which our
+elementary education directs their tastes.
+
+To my mind, the condition of things is grave in the extreme, and for the
+sake of the children I beg the nation to wake up and put an end to
+conditions which make these strikes possible.
+
+Yours obediently,
+
+EDUCATIONAL REFORMER.
+
+
+Sir,--The most promising event of last week was the delightful strike of
+school-teachers in that beautiful county of Hereford. Happy children,
+thus to be freed from the shackles of our so-called education. They will
+now go to the only school worth learning in--the school of Mother
+Nature; and if only the strike will continue long enough we shall see in
+years to come poets and painters and musicians making a glad procession
+from their Herefordshire homes to carry light and joy into our dark
+places.
+
+Yours ecstatically,
+
+VAVASOUR PRINGLE.
+
+    ***
+
+    "The Bishop of Zanzibar (Dr. Weston) arrived at Charing-cross
+    from Paris yesterday afternoon.... He went to the House of
+    Charity, 1, Greek-street."--_The Times._
+
+And a very good address for him.
+
+    ***
+
+    "Shea, Blackburn Rovers' clever insight-right, scored all three
+    goals for the Football League against the Southern League at New
+    Cross."--_Westminster Gazette._
+
+Selection Committee's insight also right, evidently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GUESS WHO IT IS.
+
+From a Competition in _People of Position_ (with which are incorporated
+_West End Whispers and Mayfair Mysteries_). Prizes will be awarded to
+the three readers who are first, second, and third in guessing the
+identities of the greatest number of Society Personages indicated in the
+Guess Who It Is series of articles.
+
+First Prize, a copy of this year's _Debrett_. Second Prize, a copy of
+last year's _Debrett_. Third Prize, a bound volume of _People of
+Position_ (with which are incorporated _West-End Whispers and Mayfair
+Mysteries_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+She is a woman who matters very much indeed. By birth and by marriage
+she belongs to two extremely ancient families, which were settled in
+Britain when it was entirely covered with forests and inhabited largely
+by wild beasts. But it is not any advantage of birth or of wealth that
+has made her the great social figure she is. It is her extraordinary
+charm and her arresting personality. She is not strictly beautiful, but
+her smile is peculiarly her own--a rare distinction in these days when
+there is so much that is artificial.
+
+She has the reputation of being one of the three best dressed women in
+Europe, and never wears anything, not even her boots, more than once.
+Her wit is positively brilliant, and in this connection it may be
+asserted once for all that it was she who first gave vogue to the
+greeting, "Doodledo," an abbreviated form of "How d'you do," though
+others have been given the credit for that sparkling pleasantry. In the
+art of "setting down" she is unapproachable, combining gentle courtesy
+with fine satire and mordant epigram, as on the occasion when a certain
+pushing and impossible outside person claimed her acquaintance in public
+with a loud "How are you?" With her own look and smile she turned and
+gave him his _coup de grâce_--"Not any the better for seeing you!"--at
+which an exalted foreign Personage, who was chatting with her laughed so
+much that he fell into an apoplexy.
+
+She and her husband are sometimes at their beautiful place in
+Middleshire, and sometimes at their mansion in Belvenor Square. When
+they are not in England they are generally abroad. She is devoted to
+horse-riding, motoring, yachting, and ski-ing, but has not, like some of
+her set, forgotten how to walk. On the contrary, when in town she may
+occasionally be seen taking this old-fashioned form of exercise in the
+Park, placing one foot alternately before the other in her charmingly
+characteristic manner.
+
+She has once or twice, in a delightfully mischievous spirit, amused
+herself by flouting those very social ordinances of which she is an
+acknowledged high priestess. When wars, strikes, and Governments are
+forgotten, it will still be remembered how, some years ago when she was
+a few months younger than she is now, she appeared in her box at the
+opera on a MELBA (_and therefore a tiara_) night wearing a necklace of
+spar beads and a large ribbon bow on her head. An electric shock ran
+through the house; opera and singers were unheeded; and the beautiful
+Countess of ---- tore the family diamonds from her head and neck, and,
+with a shriek of despair, flung them into the orchestra.
+
+The subject of our article could have shone in any or all of the arts,
+had she cared to give her time and talents to them. Let it be said, too,
+that, though surrounded from her infancy with "all this world and all
+the glory of it," she has a serious side to her character, countenances
+the Church, and by no means discourages religion.
+
+It is widely known that she keeps a diary. Ah! if only that diary, in
+its dainty, morocco, gold-clasped volumes, could be abstracted from the
+wonderful mother-o'-pearl escritoire, carried out of the exquisite
+Renaissance boudoir, down the noble staircase and out of the massive
+hall-door, and, after the spelling, grammar and composition had been
+slightly overhauled, if it could but be published and given to the eager
+world, what an intellectual feast it would provide! And to the fair,
+gifted, high-born diarist what a fortune it would bring, and what a
+number of simply _absorbing_ libel cases!
+
+_GUESS WHO IT IS._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Daily Mail_ must be more careful with its posters. Here are two
+recent examples:--
+
+£2 A WEEK FOR LIFE.
+
+DRAMATIC END TO SACK CRIME TRIAL.
+
+£2 A WEEK FOR LIFE.
+
+COOLEST FRAUD ON RECORD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lady Dorothy Wood, sister of the Earl of Onslow and wife of the
+    Hon. E. F. Wood, M.P., son and heir of Viscount Halifax, was the
+    recipient of birthday congratulations yesterday, when the Earl
+    of Erroll, of Slain's Castle, Aberdeenshire, completed his 62nd
+    year."--_Observer._
+
+The Earl of ERROLL'S turn for congratulations will come when Lady
+DOROTHY has a birthday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME ANALYSIS.
+
+Now that the Pantomime season is drawing to a close and the intelligent
+student of this branch of Drama is tempted to pass it in review, it may
+be useful to him to have a list of possible Pantomimes drawn up in a
+tabulated form according to genus and species, that their finer
+distinctions, so easily overlooked, may be the better apprehended. _Mr.
+Punch_ has no hesitation in placing his nice erudition at the disposal
+of his readers.
+
+Pantomimes may be divided into those of a distinctly Oriental origin and
+_milieu_ and those which are either associated with Occidental
+localities or with none in particular. For convenience we may divide
+them broadly and loosely into Oriental and Non-Oriental Pantomimes. Very
+well, then.
+
+I.--Oriental.
+
+A. With a ship (_Sinbad the Sailor_).
+
+B. Without a ship.
+  (a) With a cave.
+    (1) Password to cave, "Open Sesame" (_The Forty Thieves_).
+    (2) Password to cave, "Abracadabra" (_Aladdin_).
+
+  (b) Without a cave (_Bluebeard_).
+
+II.--Non-Oriental.
+
+A. With a ship.
+  (a) With a cat (_Dick Whittington_).
+  (b) Without a cat (_Robinson Crusoe_).
+
+B. Without a ship.
+  (a) With a giant.
+    (1) With a cat (_Puss-in-Boots_).
+    (2) Without a cat.
+      (i.) With a bean-stalk (_Jack and the Beanstalk_).
+      (ii.) Without a beanstalk (_Jack the Giant-Killer_).
+
+  (b) Without a giant:
+    (1) With animals: sheep (_Bo-Peep_);
+        wolf (_Little Red Riding-Hood_);
+        goose (_Mother Goose_);
+        uncertain (_Beauty and the Beast_);
+        two children (_The Babes in the Wood_).
+
+    (2) Without animals.
+      (i.) With footgear: shoes (_Goody Two-Shoes_);
+           slippers (_Cinderella_).
+     (ii.) No particular footgear.
+       (a) With a "Jack" (_Jack and
+              Jill, Little Jack Horner, The House that Jack Built_).
+       (b) Without a "Jack" (The Sleeping Beauty).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Notice on a suite of furniture:--
+
+    "Monthly payments 12/6. They will last a lifetime."
+
+Help!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF US--NOW.
+
+[Illustration: The Old Postmaster-General (_to the New
+Postmaster-General_). "THAT YOU, HOBHOUSE? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET
+THROUGH TO YOU ON THIS INFERNAL TELEPHONE FOR THE LAST HALF-HOUR. I WANT
+TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON BEING APPOINTED TO A DEPARTMENT WHICH I LEFT IN A
+STATE OF PERFECT EFFICIENCY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fair Yankee_ (_who, on her first visit to England, has
+been told how extremely obliging the London policeman is_). "Say, would
+you vurry kindly do up my shoe-string?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CINES" OF THE TIMES.
+
+(_A far-away Project of educational Films._)
+
+  O advent of the age of gold,
+    O happy day for proud papas
+  When Hellas shall her tale unfold
+    On secondary "cinemas"!
+
+  When "all the glory that was Greece
+    And all the grandeur that was Rome"
+  Shall hire on a perpetual lease
+    The academic "Picturedrome."
+
+  O OVID on the screen for kids!
+    O Helicon attained by 'bus!
+  O filmographic Aeneids!
+   O vitoscoped HERODOTUS!
+
+  Our boys shall note the sacred Nine
+    Ascending their immortal peak,
+  Also Apollo (he was fine
+    In the old films as _Alf the Freak_).
+
+  They shall behold TEIRESIAS
+    Telling the doom of Thebes, and con
+  With eyes but not with lips the crass
+    Way in which OEDIPUS went on.
+
+  They shall observe quite painlessly
+    The heroes toiling as they sit
+  Rowing upon the sun-kissed sea
+    With black smuts racing over it.
+
+  Some stout electroscopic "star,"
+    Some Gallic beauty bistre-eyed,
+  Shall show them in the years afar
+    How Helen laughed, how Priam died,
+
+  And how the good ÆNEAS came
+    Through faked adventures on the screen
+  To Latium, and what forks of flame
+    Devoured a dummy Punic queen.
+
+  What snares the Queen of Love employed,
+    What Juno: mixed with local ads,
+  These shall be thoroughly enjoyed
+    By all appreciative lads.
+
+  And some day, if the gods are kind
+    To hearts so filled with classic feats
+  In many a marble palace "cined"
+    And puffed so oft in halfpenny sheets,
+
+  Shall come revulsion, faintly stirred
+    By Phoebus' and the Muses' laugh,
+  Against the foul sins of a word
+    Like spectodrome or vitagraph.
+
+  Youth shall draw learning from the spring
+    Pierian, and be taught to know
+  The clustered verbal shames that cling
+    About the moving picture show,
+
+  Till at the last shall dawn a bright,
+    A long-to-be-remembered day,
+  When porticos of fanes of light
+    Shall print Kinema with a K.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "H.M.S. Cumberland.
+
+    Geneva, Tuesday.
+
+    The Municipality to-day gave a luncheon in honour of the
+    officers and cadets of the training ship Cumberland.--Reuter."
+
+    _Naval and Military Record._
+
+Another record for WINSTON. He alone could succeed in getting _H.M.S.
+Cumberland_ to Geneva.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Widcombe Manor, Bath, in which Fielding is said to have written
+    'Tom Jones,' is to come under the hammer shortly. It is one of
+    the smaller houses erected by Indigo Jones."
+
+    _Manchester Evening News._
+
+It was, of course, the influence of his ancestor Indigo which so tinged
+certain episodes in _Tom's_ career.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BAZAAR CUSHION.
+
+"Ha! Someone has been sitting on it," cried Father William, snatching a
+flattened object off the piano-stool in high irritation. "It's
+abominable, you know," turning to me. "There are any number of cushions.
+The house is stuffed with cushions. Why people should always pounce upon
+this one and manhandle it in this way"--He put it on the table and began
+punching and squeezing and puffing and smoothing it till it had expanded
+to its full extent. Then he flicked the dust off it with his
+handkerchief. "I'll put it back in its box under the sofa," he said. "I
+can't understand how it ever got out."
+
+He dropped into an armchair and instantly recovered his equanimity.
+
+"And why should they spare that one?" I asked.
+
+"That," said the old man solemnly, "is my bazaar cushion."
+
+"I thought it looked as if it had escaped from a bazaar," said I.
+
+"It came back only last night," he went on. "Are you a judge of
+cushions? How do you like it? Pretty nice piece of work, eh?"
+
+"Yes," said I cautiously. "Looks to me pretty well put together and all
+that; but it's rather--well, hideous, isn't it?"
+
+"Yes, yes," said Father William. "I suppose it's the colour you object
+to. I confess it's a bit of an eyesore. But of course it has to be like
+that. It's a case of protective colouring, you know."
+
+I didn't quite follow his line of thought and there was a short pause.
+"You would hardly think to look at it," the old man went on at last,
+"that that cushion has stood between me and all the trials and
+persecutions incidental to bazaars for nearly half a century. Perhaps
+the plague is not quite so bad as it was in the old days when I was in
+my first City parish, but I must say they were particularly active last
+summer. They have taken to holding them outside now, with Chinese
+lanterns, so that there is no close season at all. I had the wit at the
+very outset to see that the thing must be grappled with. They used to
+badger me in two separate ways. I was always expected to send some sort
+of contribution--and then I had to go and buy things. That was the worst
+of it. I used to dive about, harassed and pursued, searching in vain for
+the price of my freedom, always confronted by smoking-caps and
+impossible needlework. It was a fearful ordeal."
+
+"I know," said I, with sympathy. "I know all about it."
+
+"But I found a way out, thanks to my cushion. I bought it at a Sale of
+Work for Waifs and Strays nearly forty-seven years ago, and I think you
+will agree with me that it is a fairly good cushion yet. Of course it
+has been re-covered more than once. It was getting altogether too well
+known in Streatham at one time. It used to be blue with horrid little
+silver spangles."
+
+"And how does it work?"
+
+"It is beautifully simple. I am told that a bazaar is contemplated and
+asked if I will assist. Very well, I send my cushion. That is quite good
+enough; no one would expect me to do more. Then I go, on the appointed
+day, buy the cushion, and walk out with an enormous parcel for all the
+world to see that I have done my duty. Then it goes back in its box. The
+only bazaars that I am unable to assist are those which occur (as they
+sometimes do) when my cushion happens to be out."
+
+"And is it never sold?"
+
+"Well, _look_ at it!" said Father William. "Of course it had to be of
+such a nature that there was no danger of its going off too quick. I
+used always to go early on the first day to make sure. But since the
+last time it was re-covered I have had more confidence in its staying
+powers. I find there is no particular hurry."
+
+"Do you put a price on it?" I asked.
+
+"Oh, no. I don't like to do that. That might put me in an awkward
+position if it came out. But I find it fairly exciting on each occasion
+to discover what I shall have to pay for it. It is generally more
+expensive now than it used to be in the old days. I suppose it is the
+rise in the cost of living. But I am seldom satisfied, either way. If it
+is too cheap I naturally feel rather slighted, seeing that it was I who
+sent it; and if it is too dear of course I am annoyed because I have to
+buy it. And it fluctuates extraordinarily. I have more than once bought
+it in at half-a-crown and come home burning with indignation, and, if
+you will believe me, there was a blackguard at that big Sale of Work for
+the Territorials in the autumn who had the effrontery to charge me a
+guinea and a half. I was furious with him."
+
+"I wish you would lend it to me, Father William," said I, after a pause.
+"We are getting up a Jumble Sale in Little Sudbury."
+
+"No," said Father William firmly, "no. Little Sudbury is barred. The
+last time it was there on sale there was a very painful scene. I had
+arrived rather late, I remember, and I found my cushion actually being
+sold by auction along with a pair of worsted slippers and a woolly door
+mat--in one lot. I thought it showed very poor taste. Besides, it is
+already booked to appear six times in the next fortnight."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dear Old Lady._ "You have a picture in the window marked
+ten-and-six, by a Mr. Holbein. Could you tell me if that is an original
+painting or merely a print?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAROLD NAPPING.
+
+    "How stupid are the degenerate Tories who call this man [Mr.
+    LLOYD GEORGE] a demagogue."--_Mr. BEGBIE on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE in
+    "The Daily Chronicle," Feb. 5._
+
+    "He [Mr. Lloyd George] was, if you like, a demagogue."--_Mr.
+    BEGBIE on Mr. BALFOUR in "The Daily Chronicle," Feb. 7._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Duke of SUTHERLAND, we see, values the diamond-studded gold watch
+and chain, of which he has just been relieved by two desperate
+Neapolitans, at £60. But the real question is, would the CHANCELLOR OF
+THE EXCHEQUER accept that valuation?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Oh, Jockywock darling, you _must_ try and remember it's
+a tricycle, not a bicycle."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHEN BOSS EATS BOSS.
+
+According to the New York Correspondent of _The Daily Chronicle_, the
+publication of a letter from Mr. CROKER, formerly the great Tammany
+Chief, attacking his successor, Mr. MURPHY, has greatly strengthened the
+campaign for purifying the Administration.
+
+The recent meeting of the Statistical Society was rendered remarkable by
+a letter from Mr. LLOYD GEORGE who, in regretting his inability to be
+present, impressed upon the Society the need of upholding a vigorous and
+fastidious accuracy in the use of facts and figures. "To gain a
+momentary triumph over an antagonist in a public controversy by a
+misquotation, even though only a fraction is involved, is, in my
+opinion, an act which permanently disqualifies the offender from holding
+any place of responsibility." These golden words, so the President
+observed, ought to be engraved in indelible letters in every school in
+the kingdom.
+
+The dignified and telling rebuke recently addressed by Mr. BERNARD SHAW
+to Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON, for undue indulgence in paradoxical gymnastics,
+has given great satisfaction to the members of the Society for the
+Promotion of Simplified Thought. As the President of the Society, Dr.
+Pickering Phibbs, puts it, to have Mr. SHAW on the side of the angels is
+enough to make the Powers of Darkness throw up the sponge.
+
+Mr. KEIR HARDIE'S remarkable speech at Wolverhampton, when he declared
+that it was the duty of Labour to uphold the British Constitution, has
+profoundly impressed Mr. LARKIN and Mr. LANSBURY, who are of opinion
+that the stability of the British Empire is now assured for at least one
+hundred years.
+
+The publication of a letter from Mr. ROOSEVELT, censuring President
+WILSON for the prolixity and verbosity of his Presidential messages,
+will, it is believed, lend a powerful impetus to the campaign on behalf
+of brevity in public utterances.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "YOUNG LADY APPRENTICE WANTED--must be tall to learn all higher
+    branches of the trade."--_Advt. in_ (_our favourite news-paper_)
+    "_The Hairdressers Weekly Journal_."
+
+You want to be tall to reach up to the higher branches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+From an Aberdeen firm's advertisement:--
+
+    Success comes in Cans, not in Can'ts.
+
+    Once-a-year Clearance.
+
+    To-day and Following Days.
+
+    Wonder Values!
+
+    Stimulants to Encourage Purchasers.
+
+In the cans, we suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GOLF JUDGMENT.
+
+(_To the Editor of "Punch."_)
+
+Dear Sir,--As I am not at all satisfied with the recent decision of The
+Rules of Golf Committee on the position created by a cow carrying off a
+ball in her hoof, I appeal to you to arbitrate in the following dispute
+between myself and my friend A (for I am too courteous to expose his
+actual name).
+
+During some very wild weather we made an arrangement, before starting
+out, that, in the event of another storm coming on, the game should be
+decided by the score existing at the moment of our consequent
+retirement.
+
+A was in receipt of six bisques. I holed out the first in five. A, who
+was in well-deserved trouble all the way, holed out in ten. I remarked,
+"One up!" to which A made no response. As we moved off to the second tee
+there was a loud clap of thunder and the heavens burst over our heads. A
+at once shouted above the tumult, "I take my six bisques and claim the
+hole and the match." He then headed swiftly for the pavilion.
+
+I cannot believe that he was justified in his claim. What do _you_
+think?
+
+Yours faithfully, FAIR PLAY.
+
+_Editor's Decision._--The original arrangement was bad in Golf Law. The
+match is therefore off, and each party must pay his own costs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
+
+"Do you believe in magic?" Jack asked.
+
+I hedged.
+
+"Well, whether you do or not," he said, "I've got a rather rum story for
+you."
+
+"Go ahead," I replied.
+
+"Very well," he said. "It was on last Tuesday morning that I looked in
+at the watchmaker's to see if my watch was mended yet.
+
+"It was hanging up in the glass case above the bench where he worked,
+with my name on a little tab attached to the ring.
+
+"'No,' the man said, 'it's not done--in fact, I'm still observing it.'
+
+"'But it seems to be recording the time all right,' I said.
+
+"'Yes,' he replied--'seems, but it isn't. That's mere chance. Do you
+know, it's so fast that it's gained exactly twenty-four hours since you
+brought it in. That's not to-day's time it's registering, but
+to-morrow's. Leave it here another week, and I'll have got to the bottom
+of the mystery.'
+
+"At first I was disposed to do so; and then I had an idea.
+
+"'No,' I said, 'I'll take it.'
+
+"'But it's useless to you,' he replied.
+
+"'I'll take it," I said. 'Just for fun.'
+
+"He gave it me reluctantly and returned to his labours.
+
+"I walked away from the shop very thoughtfully. Here was a curious state
+of things. I and the rest of the world were living on Monday, February
+9th, while my watch was busily recording, a little too hurriedly, the
+progress of time on Tuesday, February 10th. To see into the future has
+ever been man's dearest wish, and here was I in possession of a little
+piece of machinery which actually was of the future and yet could tell
+none of its secrets.
+
+"But couldn't it? Couldn't I wrest one at least from it?--that was what
+worried me.
+
+"As I pondered, a newspaper boy passed me bearing the placard
+'Selections for Lingfield,' and in a flash I bought one. My watch knew
+who had won! How could I extract that information from it?"
+
+Jack paused.
+
+"Good heavens," I interpolated, "what an extraordinary situation!"
+
+"You may well say so," he said. "You see, if only I could share its
+knowledge, I should be rich for life; for it was now only a quarter to
+eleven, and the first race was not till one-fifty, and there was plenty
+of time to bet.
+
+"But----
+
+"I continued on my way deep in thought," Jack went on, "when whom should
+I meet but Lisburne? Lisburne is the most ingenious man I know.
+
+"'Come and advise me,' I said, and led him to a quiet corner.
+
+"'It's jolly interesting,' he remarked, when I had finished, 'but of
+course it's black arts, you know, and we've lost the key nowadays. Still
+we must try.'
+
+"We discussed the thing every way, in vain.
+
+"Then suddenly he said, 'Look here, this watch represents to-morrow.
+That means it is through the watch that we must work. Here, let's get
+to-day's _Mail_ and read it through the watch-glass and see if there's
+any difference?'
+
+"We got it and did so.
+
+"Lisburne removed the glass, found the racing news and read them through
+it. 'Good heavens!' he said, and turned white. 'Here, read this with
+your naked eye,' he said, pushing the paper before me.
+
+"I read 'Saturday's racing results: 1.30, Midas 1, Blair Hampton 2,
+Chessington 3,' and so on. 'Prices, Midas 6-4,' etc.
+
+"'Those are Saturday's results,' he said, shaking with excitement. 'But
+now read them through the watch-glass.'
+
+"I did so, and they immediately changed to Monday's results. I was
+reading to-morrow's paper!
+
+"'Look at the prices,' he cried.
+
+"'The prices! I hastily ran through them. They were splendid. "Captain
+Farrell 10-1, Woodpark 10-1, Flitting Light 4-1." And these horses,
+remember,' he said, 'are going to run this afternoon!'
+
+"'What's the next thing to be done?' I gasped.
+
+"'The bookies,' he replied.
+
+"'I suppose they're fair game,' I said.
+
+"'Of course,' he replied. 'The very fairest. But that's nothing to do
+with you, anyhow. You're in possession of magic and must employ it. They
+are the natural medium. How much can you muster?'
+
+"'I'd risk anything I could scrape up,' I said. 'Say £750. And you?'
+
+"'Oh, I'm broke,' he replied. 'How many bookies do you know?'
+
+"'Three,' I said.
+
+"'Well,' he replied, 'I know three more, and we can find men who know
+others, and who will bet for us. Because we must plant this out warily,
+you know, or they'll be suspicious.'
+
+"'Will you take it in hand,' I asked, 'leaving me £150 for my own
+commissioners?'
+
+"'Of course,' he said, 'if you'll give me ten per cent.;' and having
+copied out all the longer-priced winners through the watch-glass he
+hurried off, promising to meet me at lunch.
+
+"How to get through the intervening time was now the question. First I
+went to the telegraph office, and then to the barber's to have my hair
+cut. Forcibly to be kept in a chair was what I needed. The hair-cut took
+only half-an-hour; so I was shaved; then I was shampooed; then I was
+massaged; then I was manicured. I should have been pedicured, but the
+clock mercifully said lunch-time.
+
+"Lisburne was there in a state of fever. He had distributed the £600
+among fourteen different commission agents.
+
+"'Now we can have lunch,' he said, 'with easy minds.'
+
+"Easy!
+
+"'But suppose the whole thing is a fizzle,' I said. 'We've been far too
+impetuous. Impulse was always my ruin.'
+
+"'Oh no,' he said.
+
+"'But if it's a fizzle,' I said, 'what about my £750?'
+
+"'It won't be,' he replied. 'It's magic. Let's order something to eat.'
+
+"He ate; that is the advantage of being on ten per cent. commission. I
+couldn't."
+
+Jack paused.
+
+"Go on," I said. "Did the horses win?"
+
+"Every one," he replied.
+
+"At those prices?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then you're frightfully rich?"
+
+"No," he said.
+
+"Why ever not? Surely the bookies haven't refused to pay?"
+
+"Oh no."
+
+"Then why aren't you rich?"
+
+"Because I did the usual silly thing--I woke up."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Cafe Chantant.
+
+    To the Editor of 'The Evening Post.'
+
+    Sir,--In writing on the 4th February I omitted from the lists of
+    names of two of our kind helpers at the Café Chantant, Messrs.
+    Le Cheminant and the Victoria Dairy. Will you kindly allow me to
+    do so now. Yours faithfully, M. P. PIPON."
+
+    _"The Evening Post," Jersey._
+
+Apparently the Editor wouldn't!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Yesterday a metal-gilt chandelier, 5ft. high, with branches for
+    twenty-five lights, and numerous cut-glass pendants, fell at the
+    one bid of half a guinea. The purchaser, who was sitting under
+    it, seemed to be the most surprised person in the room."
+
+    _Daily Telegraph._
+
+If it fell on his head, we fear he must have been pained as well as
+surprised.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "N.B.--Welsh rarebit is most nourishing, and, with a plate of
+    soap, makes an excellent dinner." _Bombay Gazette._
+
+The soap, however nourishing, should be disguised; otherwise your guests
+will misunderstand you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Stewardess._ "We are just nearing the harbour, Madam.
+Would you like some hot water?"
+
+_Passenger_ (_faintly_). "It doesn't matter, thank you; I'm only going
+to relations."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS AND LIFE.
+
+Preparations are already on foot for the great banquet to be given in
+honour of the famous Russian novelist, Dr. Ladislas Plovskin, who is to
+visit England in July. A representative committee has been formed, which
+includes, amongst others, Sir GILBERT PARKER, Mr. CHARLES GARVICE, Mr.
+SILAS HOCKING, Mr. C. K. SHORTER, Lord DUNSANY, Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS and
+Mr. EDMUND GOSSE, who will take the chair at the banquet. There is a
+peculiar appropriateness in this, for it was Mr. GOSSE who, some ten
+years ago, first called attention to Plovskin in one of his masterly
+studies. Since then, Plovskin has gained the Nobel Prize and become the
+object of a special cult which has centres from Tomsk to Seattle, and
+from Popocatapetl to Oshkosh.
+
+The address which will be presented to the great Muscovite fictionist
+has been written by Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS, and is a masterpiece of sensitive
+and discriminating eulogy. Thus in one passage Mr. DOUGLAS says, "while
+preserving your own individuality with miraculous independence, you have
+summed up in your work all the inchoate influences to be found in HOMER,
+DANTE, SHAKSPEARE, VOLTAIRE and VERLAINE, and carried them to a pitch of
+divine effulgence only to be equalled in the godlike work of our
+marvellous MASEFIELD."
+
+Dr. Plovskin is no stranger to England, for he was an intimate friend of
+the late EDWARD LEAR, who alludes to him under the name of Ploffskin in
+one of his touching lyrics, and, as we have seen, he owes almost
+everything to the generous appreciation of Mr. GOSSE, to whom he has
+dedicated his last novel, which bears the fascinating title of _The Bad
+Egg_. Portions of this, it is to be hoped, will be recited at the
+banquet by the author's brother-in-law, Mr. Ossip Bobolinsky, Managing
+Director of the Anglo-Manchurian Steam Tar Company.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In smart intellectual circles Tagore Teas are now all the rage. At these
+elegant and up-to-date entertainments China tea is absolutely
+proscribed, the refreshments, solid and liquid, being exclusively of
+Indian origin. After tea the guests cantillate passages from the prose
+and poetry of the Great Indian Master to the accompaniment of gongs (the
+Sanskrit _tum-tum_) and one-stringed Afghan jamboons, for the space of
+two or three hours, when their engagements permit. Sometimes the reading
+is varied by mystical dances of a slow and solemn character, but all
+laughter, levity and exuberance are sedulously discountenanced, the aim
+of all present being to attain an attitude of serene and complacent
+ecstasy which enables them to invest utterances of the most perfect
+ineptitude with a portentous and pontifical significance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The advent to the episcopal bench of Dr. Russell Wakefield--the
+    only Anglican Bishop on record to wear a moustache with a
+    clean-shaven chin--does not appear to have aroused so much
+    comment as the appointment of Dr. Ryle to the See of Liverpool
+    in 1884. It was then said that the new prelate was the first
+    Anglican Bishop to wear a beard for over 200 years."--_The Daily
+    Chronicle._
+
+Dr. RUSSELL WAKEFIELD, of course, has not worn his moustache for a
+quarter of that time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a Hong Kong tradesman's circular:--
+
+    "EGGS! FRESH EGGS! AND TASTEFUL EGGS! FOR SALE.
+
+    These eggs are exceedingly pure and fresh, and can be proved by
+    looking at or breaking them. The yelk when boiled--smell sweet,
+    the white--glistened, relished, and favourable to health as
+    well.
+
+    TRY our taseeful eggs as their quality bears.
+
+    COME! COME! COME! AND TRY TO HAVE SOME."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Winter Sport_ (_looking at a magnificent view of
+the Alps_). "Not bad, that."
+
+_Second Winter Sport._ "Yes, it's all right; but you needn't rave about
+it like a bally poet."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEN.
+
+  To-day it is not mine to sing
+  A lay of love, a song of Spring;
+  I tackle no uplifting thing
+      Of arms and men;
+  My muse is otherwise beguiled
+  To gentler themes and measures mild;
+  I sing of nature's artless child,
+      The common hen.
+
+  Little she has of lyric stuff;
+  Her bows, I grant, are merely bluff,
+  Her sternmost pile of windy fluff
+      Would leave one cool;
+  Yet never since the world was planned
+  Was aught more lofty and more grand
+  Regarded as a mother--and
+      Such an old fool.
+
+  In laying eggs is all her joy;
+  Its rapture never seems to cloy;
+  She knows no worthier employ
+      In life than this,
+  So to collect a fertile batch
+  Still young, still fresh enough to hatch,
+  And thus, by sterling effort, snatch
+      A mother's bliss.
+
+  But, though the futile one will lay
+  (When she's in form) an egg per day,
+  She always gives the fact away
+      With loud acclaim
+  That all the novel truth may know;
+  Whereby the unsleeping human foe
+  Derives a tip on where to go
+      To get the same.
+
+  It does not make her senses reel,
+  This mystery, or dim her zeal,
+  Till by degrees she seems to feel
+      Her broken lot;
+  She roams aloof, she grows depressed;
+  And then, her broody sorrow guessed,
+  Men lure her to a well-filled nest
+      And bid her squat.
+
+  And now behold her, warm and wide,
+  Her rounded form well satisfied,
+  Though even in her highest pride
+      She has no luck;
+  The offspring that she tends so well
+  Are probably of alien shell;
+  Indeed, for all that she can tell,
+      They may be duck.
+
+  Yes, one may grant that on the whole
+  She would not thrill the poet soul;
+  For, tho' she plays a decent _rôle_
+      Beyond all doubt,
+  Where mental qualities are lacked
+  We find but little to attract;
+  She does not make, in point of fact,
+      The heart go out.
+
+  But see her when some danger lies
+  O'er her young brood, and, with wild eyes,
+  Straight at the sudden foe she flies,
+      Her full soul spurred
+  To battle with the gnashing beak--
+  A roaring tiger is more meek;
+  And somehow one is bound to speak
+      Well of the bird.
+
+DUM-DUM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the "Found" column in _The Standard_:--
+
+    "Fox Skin Fur, on Hog's Back."
+
+The last place where you would look for it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Natal first innings--Barnes, 5 wickets for 44 runs; Rolf, 4 for
+    59; Woolley, 6 for 6; Douglas, 8 for 8; Hearne, none for 15;
+    Bird, 1 for 9.--P.A. Foreign Special Telegram."
+
+    _Glasgow Herald._
+
+And yet Natal won.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MISSING WORD.
+
+[Illustration: The "Premier" Parrot (_emerging from profound thought_).
+"EX----EX----EX----EX----"
+
+John Bull. "LOOK HERE, HERBERT, IF YOU'RE _GOING_ TO SAY 'EXCLUSION,'
+FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE _SAY_ IT AND GET IT OVER!" [_Parrot relapses into
+profound thought_.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday, February_ 10.--Odd to find proceedings in
+House to-day reminiscent of incident in a famous trial. Occasion
+recognised as supremely momentous. Marks, within defined limit of time,
+crisis of bitter controversy. Before Session closes fate of Ireland and
+of the Ministry will be settled. PREMIER'S speech awaited with gravest
+anxiety. Lobby thronged with animated groups. Before four o'clock--when
+SPEAKER returned to Chair elate with consciousness of singular foresight
+in having "for greater accuracy" possessed himself of copy of KING'S
+Speech, presently read to expectant Members, most of whom heard it
+delivered from the Throne two hours earlier--stream of humanity flooded
+House, filling every seat and crowding Bar.
+
+It was at preliminary gathering that case of _Bardell_ v. _Pickwick_ was
+recalled. House awaiting arrival of Black Rod with summons to repair to
+gilded Chamber. Message delivered, SPEAKER, escorted by SERJEANT-AT-ARMS
+carrying Mace, marches off. From Treasury Bench and from Front Bench
+opposite, Leader of House and Leader of Opposition simultaneously rise
+and fall in. Other Ministers and ex-Ministers with mob of Members
+complete procession.
+
+When PREMIER and BONNER LAW met they heartily shook hands. CAPTAIN CRAIG
+and MOORE (of Armagh) looked at each other in pained surprise.
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Pickwick_ (Captain Craig) regards with abhorrence
+the exchange of salutations between _Serjeant Buzfuz_ (Mr. Asquith) and
+his own counsel, _Serjeant Snubbin_ (Mr. Bonar Law).]
+
+Here was the touch of nature that makes the whole world kin. When seated
+in court awaiting opening of trial, _Mr. Pickwick_ observed a learned
+serjeant-at-law make friendly salutation to his own counsel.
+
+"Who's that red-faced man who said it was a fine morning, and nodded to
+our counsel?" he whispered to his solicitor.
+
+"Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz," was the reply. "He's opposed to us; he leads on
+the other side."
+
+_Mr. Pickwick_, it is recorded, regarded with great abhorrence the
+cold-blooded villainy of a man who, as counsel for the opposite party,
+presumed to tell _Mr. Serjeant Snubbin_, who was counsel for him, that
+it was a fine morning.
+
+Thus MOORE (of Armagh) and the COURAGEOUS CRAIG. Here were the
+contending forces set in battle array, and the first thing they behold
+is their Captain shaking hands with the commander of the enemy! An
+ominous beginning, they agreed, well calculated to depress the spirits
+of men who mean business.
+
+It proved emblematical of what followed. Expected that stupendous
+occasion would be marked by dramatic scenes, possibly by outbreak of
+disorder. Nothing of that kind happened. Scene was indeed impressive by
+reason of Chamber being crowded from floor to topmost bench of
+Strangers' Gallery. Also, whilst PREMIER in unusually low-spoken,
+comparatively halting voice, delivered critical passages of his speech,
+there was movement marking intense interest. Multitude on floor of House
+bent forward to catch the murmured syllables. Members crowding the side
+galleries stood up in same anxious quest.
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. John Burns_ (_holding list of the four new
+appointments to Government Departments, including his own to the Board
+of Trade_). "Excellent choices!--with perhaps the exception of Samuel,
+Hobhouse and Masterman."]
+
+Otherwise the accustomed signs and tokens of Parliamentary crisis were
+conspicuously lacking. WALTER LONG, whose return to fighting-line after
+bout of illness was warmly welcomed on both sides, pitched the opening
+note a little low. Not fierce enough to gratify Ulster, he
+correspondingly failed to irritate the Home Rulers.
+
+As for PREMIER, his part, adroitly played, was to appear to be saying a
+good deal without committing himself to definite pledges. Above all, not
+to inflame controversy. He brought with him unusually copious notes, but
+did not, as is his wont on such occasions, read from them the text of
+especially weighty passages. Spoke slowly, occasionally in a murmur,
+uttering his sentences as if deliberately weighing each word. Following
+WALTER LONG, he was received with prolonged cheers, testifying to
+personal popularity. When he sat down cheering was more polite than
+effusive.
+
+Irish Nationalists barely contributed even to this circumspect note of
+approval. Throughout nearly an hour's speech they sat in ominous
+silence, listening to passages in which they seemed to recognise
+disposition on part of PREMIER towards mood of _Benedick_, who, when he
+said he would die a bachelor, never thought he would live to be married.
+
+Had not PREMIER within the last twelve months frequently declared he
+would never consent to exclusion of Ulster from Home Rule Bill? And
+wasn't he now showing signs of disposition to surrender?
+
+_Business done._--Parliament reassembles. WALTER LONG, on behalf of
+Opposition, moves amendment to Address, calling upon Government to
+appeal to country before proceeding further with Home Rule Bill.
+
+_Wednesday._--Interest of sitting centred in speeches of CARSON and JOHN
+REDMOND. Former met with rousing reception from Opposition. Some
+Ministerialists would have liked to join in the demonstration, not
+because they share CARSON'S views or admire his policy, but because they
+instinctively feel admiration for a man of commanding position who has
+sacrificed personal and professional interests to what he regards as the
+well-being of his country. Esteem increased by merit of his speech. Only
+once did he lapse into tone and manner of personal attack familiar to
+House when Ulster Members and Nationalists, hating each other for love
+of their country, join in debate. Turning round to top bench below
+Gangway, where JOHN REDMOND sat attentive, he said: "If you want Ulster,
+come and take her, or come and win her. But you have never wanted her
+affections; you have wanted her taxes."
+
+This stung to the quick. REDMOND, leaping to his feet when CARSON
+resumed his seat, hotly denounced accusation as unworthy of his
+countryman.
+
+House already began to show signs of satiety. Long intervals when
+benches were empty. COUSIN HUGH, speaking at favourable hour of six
+o'clock, failed to attract an audience to whom he might present his
+cheering forecast of an interval of six weeks spent in listening to
+speeches of Members below the Gangway, "poked up by the CHANCELLOR OF
+THE EXCHEQUER to attack the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY." Benches
+crowded whilst CARSON and REDMOND spoke. Filled up again when CHANCELLOR
+OF EXCHEQUER in brief speech wound up debate on behalf of Government,
+and BONNER LAW, as usual unencumbered by notes, replied.
+
+_Business done._--Demand for immediate dissolution negatived by 333
+votes against 255. Opposition elate at reduced majority.
+
+"I fancy," said PREMIER, smiling serenely upon the WINSOME WINSTON,
+"they would gladly suffer from our complaint."
+
+_House of Lords, Thursday._--Noble Lords, having disposed of Address,
+already find themselves in condition of frozen-out gardeners who have no
+work to do. Session but a few days old has already afforded fresh sign
+of disposition to belittle hereditary Chamber.
+
+[Illustration: "Noble Lords already find themselves in condition of
+frozen-out gardeners who have no work to do."
+
+(Lord Curzon and Lord Lansdowne.)]
+
+It happened thus. On opening night Lord LONDONDERRY, making his way
+along Peers' Gallery in Commons, came upon extraordinary sight. A
+stranger on front seat overlooking sacred quarter allotted to Peers,
+finding himself incommoded by hat and overcoat, neatly folded up the
+latter, dropped it on the Peers' bench beneath and carefully placed his
+hat upon it. Hadn't LLOYD GEORGE demonstrated that the land belonged to
+the people? Here was undeveloped space. As a free man he claimed it for
+his own uses.
+
+LONDONDERRY, halting, angrily regarded the incumbrance. Turned about
+with evident intention of calling attendant's notice to unparalleled
+liberty. At that moment his eye fell on the countenance of the stranger.
+Could it be? Yes; it was the school proprietor whose patriotic offer of
+aid to Ulster in approaching civil war he had a few days earlier
+reported to an admiring nation. Letter offered to provide for two sons
+of any Ulster volunteer who fell in battle with the myrmidons of an
+iniquitous Ministry. As sometimes happens, pearl of the letter was
+hidden in the postscript. Writer explained that he could not very well
+go to the war himself but would send his partner.
+
+Recognition placed new aspect on little affair.>LONDONDERRY perceived it
+was simple ignorance of customs of the place that led to apparent
+indiscretion. So with genial nod passed on to seat over the clock.
+
+Few minutes later outraged attendant, catching sight of the bundle,
+peremptorily ordered its removal.
+
+_Business done._--By 243 votes against 55 Lords carried MIDDLETON'S
+amendment to Address demanding immediate dissolution. WILLOUGHBY DE
+BROKE communicated to the MEMBER FOR SARK his conviction that this
+hide-bound Government will take no notice of the mandate.
+
+"Reminds me," said the Bold Baron, brushing away a manly tear, "of a
+hymn I learned in the nursery:--
+
+  'Tis not enough to say
+    You're sorry and repent
+  If you go on in the same way
+    As you did always went.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER HAPPY ACCIDENT.
+
+(_From "The Daily Sale."_)
+
+_The Daily Sale_ has peculiar pleasure in announcing that another of its
+insured readers has been gravely injured by an accident to the taxi-cab,
+omnibus, train or tram, in (or on) which he was travelling at the time
+of the disaster. The name of this reader (whose portrait is given) is
+Mr. Vivian Brackendope, the well-known amateur actor of Burton-on-Beer.
+Mr. Vivian Brackendope is indeed a lucky man. He is the ninth of our
+readers to be badly smashed up during the past six weeks. Now, who will
+be the tenth? Fill up the coupon on page 2 and _you_ will be eligible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ADMIRABLE CRICHTON.
+
+    "In the list of successes in the Cambridge Local Examinations we
+    notice the name of P. T. Harris, of Wellingborough Grammar
+    School, who gained credit for himself and his school by passing
+    in every subject and gaining four distinctions, the distinctions
+    being gained in arithmetic, French, algebra, and Little Bowden
+    Pig Club."
+
+_Market Harborough Advertiser._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "COUNTRY LIFE: an Illustrated Journal for all interested in
+    Country Life and Country Pursuits, complete from its beginning
+    in 1897 to June 1906, _profusely illustrated with views of
+    ancient and modern seats, Country scenes, sporting incidents,
+    and portraits of winning horses, prize beasts, and fashionable
+    beauties."_
+
+    _Bookseller's List._
+
+An ungallant sequence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WISH IS FATHER TO THE THOUGHT.
+
+    "Then, after a last earnest statement of the Ulster position by
+    Mr. Gordon, the Chancellor of the Exchequer rose to wind up the
+    Government."--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ardent Young Lady Visitor_ (_who is being shown over
+author's sanctum_). "How perfectly _sweet_ it must be to have a room
+where one can work without being disturbed."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TYPICAL AMERICAN.
+
+[Illustration: _David Quixano_ (Mr. Walker Whiteside) to _Herr
+Pappelmeister_ (Mr. Clifton Alderson). "I cannot take a fee for playing
+in your orchestra. I am too Quixanotic to do a thing like that."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"The Melting Pot."
+
+It is impossible not to respect the earnestness of Mr. ZANGWILL when he
+treats of the persecution of his co-religionists in Russia, or their
+social exclusion in America. But when he appeals to an English audience
+he is addressing the converted. It is a good many years since the pogram
+was a popular form of amusement in this country, and at present the Jew
+is the flattered idol of English Society. It may seem surprising that
+his play should have had so great a success in the States, where they
+are not supposed to have a passion for hearing home truths. But then its
+main theme is the glorification of America as the Melting Pot or
+crucible into which are flung the wrongs and hatreds and slaveries of
+the old world, to re-appear in the shape of justice and love and
+freedom. This is the theme upon which _David Quixano_, a Kishineff Jew
+who has lost all his family in a massacre, goes from time to time into
+an orgy of lyrical raptures. And indeed the swiftness with which the
+naturalised immigrant, of just any nationality, assimilates himself to
+local conditions, instantly changing his heart with his change of sky,
+and learning to wave his stars and stripes with the best of the
+native-born, must seem miraculous to the ordinary patriot. And here we
+touch the weak spot in Mr. ZANGWILL'S pæan of the Melting Pot. For those
+who migrate to America for the sake of its democratic freedom are the
+few; and those who go there for the sake of its dollars are the many;
+and into the Melting Pot--or, to use an image more apposite to
+indigenous tastes, its Sausage Machine--are thrown not only the wrongs
+and hatreds of unhappy races but also the dear traditions of birth and
+blood and family ties and pride of country, to emerge in a uniform
+pattern without a past.
+
+For his plot, Mr. ZANGWILL relies upon a very stagy coincidence.
+_Quixano_ falls in love with a young Russian girl who conducts a
+Settlement Home in New York, and conquers her prejudice against his
+race, only to find that she is the daughter of the very officer who
+permitted the massacre at Kishineff in which _Quixano's_ family had
+perished, and himself been wounded. In turn he naturally has his own
+prejudices to conquer, and does so. But not till he has scared us with
+the fear that he is going to be false to his theory of purification by
+process of the Melting Pot.
+
+Mr. WALKER WHITESIDE, who plays the part, was excellent in his quiet
+moods, and when he was obliged to rant was no worse than other ranters.
+The superb solidity of Mr. SASS as the Russian officer served as an
+admirable foil to the mercurial methods of _Quixano_. Miss PHYLLIS RELPH
+as the heroine mitigated the effect of her obvious sincerity by a bad
+trick of showing her nice teeth. Mr. PERCEVAL CLARK, as a young American
+millionaire, was pleasantly British. Humorous relief of a cosmopolitan
+order was provided by the Irish brogue of Miss O'CONNOR; the broken
+English of Miss GILLIAN SCAIFE; the Anglo-German of Mr. CLIFTON ALDERSON
+who played very well as _Herr Pappelmeister_ (Kapellmeister to a New
+York orchestra); and what I took to be the Yiddish of Miss INEZ BENSUSAN
+as the aunt of the hero, a pathetic figure of an old lady with firm
+views about the keeping of the Jewish Sabbath, and a pedantic habit of
+celebrating with a false nose and other marks of hilarity the
+anniversary of the escape of the Chosen People from a Persian pogram
+twenty-five centuries ago.
+
+It might seem from this long catalogue of humorists that frivolity was
+the prevailing note of the play. But I can give assurances that this was
+not so. The prevailing note was a high seriousness, culminating in the
+last Act, when tedium supervened. I attribute my final depression in
+part to the scene--a bird's-eye view of New York from the roof-garden of
+the Settlement House. It was impossible to share _Quixano's_ spasm of
+exaltation in the matter of the Melting Pot as he gazed on this very
+indifferent example of scenic art.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A Midsummer Night's Dream."
+
+I am not sure that Mr. GRANVILLE BARKER'S faithful followers are being
+quite kindly entreated by him. He happens to have a keen sense of humour
+and for some little while he has been trying, with a very grave face, to
+see how much they will swallow. This time, everybody else except the
+initiated can see the bulge in his cheek where his tongue comes.
+
+The alleged faults of the old school, which the new was to correct, were
+(1) an over-elaboration of detail in the setting; (2) a realism which
+challenged reality. ("Challenge," I understand, is the catch-word they
+use.) Both these qualities were supposed to distract attention from the
+drama itself. The answer, almost too obvious to be worth stating, is
+that the grotesque and the eccentric are vastly more distracting than
+the elaborate; and that, if you only sound the loud symbol loud enough
+the audience has no ear left at all for the actual words. As for the
+"challenging" of reality the new school would argue that, as the stage
+is a thing of convention to start with--artificial light, no natural
+atmosphere or perspective, no fourth wall, and so on--all the rest
+should be convention too. The answer, again almost too obvious, is that,
+since the audience has to bear the strain of unavoidable convention, you
+should not wantonly add to their worry. And, anyhow, the human figures
+on your stage (I leave out fairies and superhumans for the moment) are
+bound to challenge reality by the fact that they are alive. If Mr.
+BARKER wants to be consistent (and he would probably repudiate so
+Philistine a suggestion) his figures should be marionettes worked by
+strings; and for words--if you _must_ have words--he might himself read
+the text from a corner of the top landing of his proscenium.
+
+[Illustration: _Hermia_ (Miss Laura Cowie). "I upon this bank will rest
+my head."]
+
+And the strange thing is that no one in the world has a nicer sense of
+the beauty of SHAKSPEARE'S verse than Mr. BARKER. Indeed he protests in
+his preface: "They (the fairies) must be not too startling.... _They
+mustn't warp your imagination--stepping too boldly between SHAKSPEARE'S
+spirit and yours._" (The italics are my own comment.) He is of course
+free, within limits, to choose his own convention about fairies, because
+we have never seen them, though some of us say we have. Mr. CHESTERTON
+naturally says they can be of any size; Mr. BARKER says they can be of
+any age from little _Peaseblossom_ and his young friends to hoary
+antiques with moustaches like ram's horns and beards trickling down to
+their knees. And as many as like it, and are not afraid of being
+poisoned, may have gilt faces that make them look like Hindoo idols with
+the miraculous gift of perspiration. But he should please remember that
+the play is not his own. It is, in point of fact, SHAKSPEARE'S, and I am
+certain he was not properly consulted about the Orientalisation of the
+fairies out of his Warwickshire woodlands. You will be told that he
+_has_ been properly consulted; that he himself makes _Titania_ say that
+_Oberon_ has "come from the furthest steppe of India," and that she too
+had breathed "the spiced Indian air." But on the same authority Mr.
+BARKER might just as well have fixed on Asia Minor or Greece as their
+provenance. She charges _Oberon_ with knowing _Hippolyta_ too well, and
+he accuses her of making _Theseus_ break faith with a number of ladies.
+Clearly they were a travelling company and would never have confined
+themselves to the costumes of any particular clime.
+
+Anyhow, when at His Majesty's you saw _Oberon_ in sylvan dress moving
+lightly through a wood that looked like a wood (and so left your mind
+free to listen to him), you could believe in all the lovely things he
+had to say; but when you saw Mr. BARKER'S _Oberon_ standing stark, like
+a painted graven image, with yellow cheeks and red eyebrows, up against
+a symbolic painted cloth, and telling you that he knows a bank where the
+wild thyme blows, you know quite well that he knows nothing of the kind;
+and you don't believe a word of it.
+
+But, to leave SHAKSPEARE decently out of the question, I liked the gold
+dresses of the fairies enormously, so long as _Puck_--a sort of adult
+Struwel-Puck that got badly on my nerves--was not there, destroying
+every colour scheme with his shrieking scarlet suit, which went with
+nothing except a few vermilion eyebrows. I liked too the grace of their
+simple chain-dances on the green mound (English dances, you will note,
+and English tunes--not Indian). But in the last scene, where they
+interlace among the staring columns, their movements lacked space.
+Indeed that was the trouble all through; that, and the pitiless light
+that poured point-blank upon the stage from the 12.6 muzzles protruding
+from the bulwarks of the dress-circle. There was no distance, no
+suggestion of the spirit-world, no sense of mystery (except in regard to
+Mr. BARKER'S intentions).
+
+The best scene was the haunt of _Titania_, with its background of
+Liberty curtains very cleverly disposed. As drapery they were excellent,
+but as symbols of a forest I found them a little arbitrary. I do not
+mind a forest being indicated, if you are short of foliage, by a couple
+of trees (in tubs, if you like) or even a single tree; but somehow--and
+the fault is probably mine--the spectacle of hanging drapery does not
+immediately suggest to me the idea of birds' nests. I am afraid I should
+be just as stupid if Mr. BARKER gave me the same convention the other
+way round, and showed an interior with foliage to indicate
+window-curtains.
+
+The play itself, with its rather foolish figures from the Court and the
+easy buffoonery of its peasants, does not offer great chances of acting;
+and Miss LAURA COWIE was the only one in the cast who added to her
+reputation. Her _Hermia_ was a delightful performance full of charm and
+piquancy and real intelligence. Miss LILLAH MCCARTHY sacrificed
+something of her personality to the exigences of a flaxen chevelure. Mr.
+HOLLOWAY'S _Theseus_ was wanting in kingliness, and his hunting scene
+was perhaps the worst thing in the play. He was not greatly helped by
+his _Hippolyta_, for Miss EVELYN HOPE never began to look like a leader
+of Amazons. Miss CHRISTINE SILVER'S _Titania_ had a certain domestic
+sweetness, but even a queen of fairies might be a little more queenly.
+Mr. DENNIS NEILSON-TERRY as _Oberon_ was a curiously effeminate figure
+for those who recalled the manly bearing of his mother in the same part.
+Of the two bemused Athenian lovers, Mr. SWINLEY, as _Lysander_, bore
+himself as bravely as could be expected.
+
+Mr. NIGEL PLAYFAIR had, of course, no difficulty with the part of
+_Bottom_, and Mr. ARTHUR WHITBY'S _Quince_ and Mr. QUARTERMAINE'S
+_Flute_ were both excellent. It is to the credit of the whole troupe of
+rustic players that nobody tried to force the fun.
+
+Apart from a slight tendency to hurry, a trick that, except in swift
+dialogue or passionate speech, gives the effect of something learnt by
+heart and not spontaneous, the delivery of the lines--and some of
+SHAKSPEARE'S most exquisite are here--was done soundly.
+
+Finally, no one who wants to keep level with the table-talk of the day
+should miss this interesting and intriguing production, especially if he
+hasn't been to _Parsifal_.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO GET YOUR PHOTOGRAPH INTO THE ILLUSTRATED DAILY PAPERS.
+
+[Illustration: Be the only lady fireman In Yorkshire.]
+
+[Illustration: Or be the only wooden-legged roller-skater in Holland
+Park.]
+
+[Illustration: Or be the double of some celebrity.]
+
+[Illustration: Or become unexpectedly heir to a large fortune left by an
+uncle who emigrated to America at the age of six with half-a-crown, and
+lived to become the Hairpin King. It is usual in this case to be
+photographed just after you have realised that the fortune is in
+dollars, not pounds. Sometimes the lawyer who discovered you, and
+assisted you to establish your claim, is included in this photograph.]
+
+[Illustration: Or make a musical instrument out of something else.]
+
+[Illustration: Or you might be a foster-mother.]
+
+[Illustration: Or you might, owing to lack of funds, sweep the chimney
+of the Sunday-school yourself.]
+
+[Illustration: But, after all, the pleasantest way is to back the winner
+of a double and get £40,000 to 5/-.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVER MONT BLANC BY AEROPLANE.
+
+  _"'Thou, too, hoar Mount! with they sky-pointing peaks,
+  Oft from whose feet the avalanche, unheard,
+  Shoots downward.'"_--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+Conquered, alas! and by one of they dratted flying machines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Eastbourne.--Furnished double-fronted villa, from April, for
+    six or twelve months; facing south; near the downs, fifteen
+    months from pier, five from 'buses."--_The Lady._
+
+Too near for us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO SEPTIMIUS ON TROUT.
+
+(_A February Ode._)
+
+  To-day the young year in her sleep was stirring
+      In woods and hearts of men;
+  To-night 'tis sharper and the cold's recurring--
+      Septimius, what then?
+
+  Draw in and talk of politics and speeches
+      To the old tiresome tune?
+  Not we who saw pale sunshine on the beeches
+      Only this afternoon;
+
+  Who saw the snowdrops frail in woodland hollows,
+      Who heard the building rooks
+  Herald a time of flowers and skimming swallows,
+      Green fields and brawling brooks!
+
+  Nay, pledge anew, Septimius, such gages
+      Of May-time's radiant rout
+  Till, as becometh fishermen and sages,
+      Our talk shall trend to trout--
+
+  To little trout, to little streams that scurry
+      Where the hill curlews cry,
+  O'er which the neophyte may splash and flurry,
+      Yet heap his basket high;
+
+  To careful trout, for pundits skilled and wary,
+      That use upon the chalk,
+  Plump and recondite, dubious and chary--
+      On such shall turn our talk.
+
+  Then since we're of the Faithful, vowed to follow
+      Old Thames's placid flow,
+  We'll breathe of his leviathans that wallow,
+      In bated tones and low;
+
+  And I mayhap shall say a word in token
+      Of one prodigious friend
+  Who lurks--excuse a statement more outspoken--
+      'Twixt Marlow and Bourne End;
+
+  While you, Septimius, set memory roaming
+      To That which smashed amain
+  Your trace of proof, and hint how some soft gloaming
+      He yet shall come again.
+
+  So shall we sit this firelit hour, contriving
+      Blue halcyon days that hold
+  The lisp of streams in crisping reed-beds striving,
+      And meadows spun with gold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Insurance business is ransacted."
+
+    _Quarterly Post Office Guide, p. 154._
+
+The influence of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTELLECTUAL DAMAGE TO ANIMALS.
+
+We gather from _The Daily Sketch_ that a reverend gentleman at Herne Bay
+has just founded the S. P. M. C. A., or "Society for the Prevention of
+Mental Cruelty to Animals," and holds, as part of his propaganda, that
+the Zoo should be disbanded and abolished, and, in fact, that no wild
+animals or birds should be kept anywhere in captivity at all.
+
+The S. P. M. C. A. fills a long-felt want. Everyone with any sense of
+politeness or tact must recognise that it is grossly improper to wound
+the feelings of the lower orders of creation by the opprobrious use of
+such epithets as ass, donkey, cat, mule, pig, goose, monkey, and so on.
+Picture the mental torture and degradation undergone by the
+self-respecting rodent who overhears the contemptuous exclamation,
+"Rats!" Realise, if you can, the stigma attached to the hard-working
+order of garden annelids when, possibly in their very presence, one
+human being addresses another as a "worm"!
+
+Then, again, take the deplorable breaches of etiquette on the part of
+visitors at the Zoo. We ourselves have heard the most uncomplimentary
+allusions made to the appearance of the baboons and the hippopotamus, in
+the hearing of those unfortunate creatures, and quite regardless of
+their _amour propre_. The callous Cockney takes care to insult his
+helpless victims only when they are behind bars and cannot retaliate
+effectively. One shudders to think of the mental humiliation that is
+daily experienced by the warthog and the mandrill. And even the nobler
+animals--the lions and bears--are not allowed to escape without
+prejudicial comment, especially at feeding-time. Not the slightest
+deference is paid to the private opinions and sentiments of these
+carnivores by the vulgar crowd of sight-seers. The parrots alone can
+ease their harassed souls and have the last word with the passer-by.
+
+Meanwhile, we have to apologise to our cat for having recently upbraided
+him rather too freely for his nocturnal habits and general lack of
+discipline, not having considered the shock of such language to his
+sensitive mind.
+
+ZIG-ZAG.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young lady requires secretarial work of any kind, good writer
+    and correspondent, accustomed to literary work, or would write
+    up Parish fashions."--_Daily Mail._
+
+Smocks are no longer being worn. Sun-bonnets may be expected in a few
+months.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_in small Irish hotel_). "Waiter, take away that
+bottle and put some clean water in it."
+
+_Waiter._ "Faith, Mum, the wather's all right; 'tis the bottle that's
+dirty."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+"Anyhow, I can remember this Court and can tell a tale it plays a part
+in, only not very quick." Thus Mr. WILLIAM DE MORGAN, introductory, on
+the fourth page of his latest novel, When _Ghost meets Ghost_
+(HEINEMANN). Before it ends there have been as near nine hundred pages
+of it as makes no difference; and the things that the author remembers
+in the course of the tale, and the not-very-quickness with which he
+tells it, must be seen to be believed. The main outline of this more
+than leisurely plot is concerned with the coming together of two aged
+twin sisters, each of whom has been living for years in ignorance of the
+other's existence, so that they meet at last almost as ghosts. Hence the
+title. But you will not need to be told that there is ever so much more
+in the nine hundred pages than this. There are the children _Dave and
+Dolly_, for example; likewise _Uncle Mo'_, and any quantity of humble
+London types; not to mention the group that includes _Lady Gwen_, and
+_Adrian Torrens_, and a score of others, all drawn with that verbal
+Pre-Raphaelitism in which the author takes such obvious delight. For
+myself I must honestly confess that I have found it a little
+overwhelming; but that, after all, is a question of individual taste. I
+suppose there is one comparison that is inevitable. I had meant to say
+never a word about CHARLES DICKENS in this notice, but, like the head of
+another CHARLES, it would come; and when the chief house in the story
+began to rumble and finally collapsed in a cloud of dust--well, could
+anyone help being reminded of how the same incident was handled by the
+master of such terrors? In brief, this latest De Morgan left me with a
+profound and increased respect for the author; some little envy for the
+reader whose time and taste enable him to enjoy it as it should be
+enjoyed; and, for proof-readers and reviewers, a very pure sympathy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Duchess of Wrexe_ (SECKER) is, I think, the longest as it is
+certainly the most substantial novel that Mr. HUGH WALPOLE has yet given
+us. It is the work of one who has already made himself a force in modern
+fiction, and after this book will have more than ever to be reckoned
+with. Whether the reckoning will be to all tastes is another matter; I
+incline to think not. Four hundred closely printed pages, in which
+hardly anything happens to the bodies of the characters, but a great
+deal to their spirits--this perhaps is toughish meat for the ordinary
+devourer of fiction. But for the others this study of the passing of an
+epoch, the time of the Old Society, as symbolised by the figure of the
+_Duchess_, will be a delight. You might suppose from this (if you were
+unfamiliar with your author) that we had here a social comedy. Nothing
+in fact could be further from Mr. WALPOLE'S design. For him, as for his
+characters, there is almost too haunting a sense of the tragedy of
+trivial things. No one in the book is happy. The _Duchess_ herself,
+stern, aloof, terrible, broken but never bent by the oncoming of the New
+Order; the various members of the family whom she terrified; _Rachel_,
+the granddaughter, between whom and the old woman there exists the bond
+of one of those hatreds in which Mr. WALPOLE so exults; the secretary,
+_Lizzie Rand_--all of them are tremendously and miserably alive. I think
+the matter is that they have too much sensibility, of the modern kind.
+They see too many meanings. A primrose by a river's brim, or more
+probably in a flower-seller's basket, is not for them a simple primrose,
+but a portent of soul-shaking significance. To make up for this the
+author has gifted them with his own exquisite sense of colour and words,
+and especially a feeling for the beauty of London that at times almost
+reconciles them to life. But I could wish them merrier.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HAROLD SPENDER'S new novel, _One Man Returns_ (MILLS AND BOON),
+opens with a very powerful and dramatic situation. Nothing in its way
+could be better than the description of the lonely _Trevena_ family, of
+their vigil during the terrible storm, of the shipwreck and the sudden
+arrival of the two strangers, father and son, who are its only
+survivors. The father dies immediately without revealing his identity,
+and the son, slowly nursed back to health by the devoted care of _Enid
+Trevena_, resumes his life without any consciousness of the past, having
+forgotten even his own name. As a matter of fact he is _Cyril Oswald_,
+the lawful inheritor of Oswald Hall and great estates, which, of course,
+pass into the possession of the nearest villain. This is _Major Harley_,
+a gentleman of a lurid past and an infamous present, mitigated only by
+the fact that he has a beautiful and amiable daughter, _Dorothy_, who,
+having been educated at Roedean School, conceives herself to be
+qualified to run after beagles. In the natural course of things she
+sprains her ankle and is beloved by _Rupert Sandford_, the chief beagler
+of the novel. She then quarrels with her disgraceful parent, is adopted
+by _Mrs. Sandford_ (mother to _Rupert_), and becomes the affianced bride
+of _Rupert_, though for a time she had been inclined to look with favour
+on _Cyril_. This young gentleman eventually recovers his estates by
+course of law and returns to Cornwall and _Enid_ just in time to cut out
+that young lady from under the guns of _Merrifield_, a South African
+millionaire who had complicated the situation by providing _Cyril_ with
+money for his law-suit. What happened to _Major Harley_ is not stated,
+but I presume he must have drunk off the phial of poison which such
+desperate adventurers always carry concealed about their persons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The matrimonial career of suburban lovers," says Miss JESSIE POPE in a
+prologue to _The Tracy Tubbses_ (MILLS AND BOON), "is seldom variegated
+by so many curious happenings as fell to the lot of Mr. and Mrs. _Tracy
+Tubbs_;" and to this statement I can give my unqualified assent. No
+sooner were the _T. T.'s_ married than they were beset by such wonderful
+and various misfortunes that I should like to try and "place" them. The
+Lion, I think, won in a canter, _Aunt Julia_ was a bad second, and The
+Chafing-dish was third, while among the "also ran" were several
+Policemen, The Balloon, _Cross-eyed Cranstone_ and The Motor-Bicycle.
+But whether the _T. T.'s_ were nearly devoured by wild beasts or merely
+annoyed by aunts and chafing-dishes, they continued to embrace each
+other with magnificent heartiness whenever they had a moment to spare.
+In short, Miss POPE'S high spirits never flag; and, even if you fail to
+be amused by all the incidents in the _T. T.'s_ career, you will be glad
+to make the acquaintance--under a new aspect, for Miss POPE'S talent as
+a maker of light verse is established--of a writer so unaffectedly
+cheerful and exhilarating.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I cannot marry you or any man; _I am not free_," said _Polly Adair_ to
+_Hemingway_, and the italics were her own. For my part, having been
+rather pointedly informed earlier in the story that the lady was
+understood in Zanzibar to be a widow, I began at this stage to suspect
+that there was something lacking in the lateness of _Mr. Adair_. This
+was a great pity, because _Polly_ and _Hemingway_ were obviously meant
+for each other, as she and he and I and Mr. RICHARD HARDING DAVIS were
+unanimously agreed. But there the fatal obstacle was, whatever it might
+be. "I am not free," she repeated, and again the italics were her very
+own. After much to-do, it came out that what she meant was that she had
+a brother who oughtn't to be free; ought, if justice were done, to be
+picking oakum or whatever else they pick in their leisure hours way back
+in U.S.A. And this was the whole and the sole fatal obstacle!
+_Hemingway_ took it as it came; Mr. DAVIS seemed quite pleased about it;
+but I felt that I had been wantonly deceived. Baffle me by all means,
+said I, but do not lie to me. Maybe I was not in a good temper at the
+time, for the three preceding stories were not calculated to stir the
+gentlest reader's sympathies. Possibly I am not in a good temper now,
+for the three later stories (though "_The God of Coincidence_" only just
+missed fire) were not distracting enough to deaden my sense of injury. A
+pity, for _The Lost Road_ (DUCKWORTH) has such a good cover and the name
+of such a good author on the back of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: As dress parades have become quite a feature of modern
+life, surely the restaurant offers a rich field of advertisement for the
+enterprising outfitter through the medium of waiters.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDITORIAL CANDOUR.
+
+Notice in _Nash's Magazine_ at the beginning of a new serial:--
+
+    "The theme of this story is a strange one handled with the
+    consummate skill one expects from so clever a writer as
+    Gouverneur Morris.... This story will stimulate your interest.
+    It is quite different from anything Mr. Morris has previously
+    written."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Cambridge.
+
+    The appointment of Mr. W. W. Buckland, of Caius, to be Regius
+    Professor of Civil War is in accordance with general
+    expectation, though there were those who thought that the
+    Government might go outside the circle of University
+    teachers."--_The Record._
+
+Mr. DEVLIN was surely indicated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "CANARY WANTED.--Young, intelligent bird wanted for training.
+    For right bird, right price paid. Apply, with bird, Tuesday
+    morning next, at 11 o'clock. M. D., Stage Door, Palladium,
+    London, W.C."
+
+    _The Referee._
+
+Dangerous, asking for the bird like that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+146, February 18, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+February 18, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 18, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 11, 2007 [EBook #22576]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, David King, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 146.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>February 18, 1914.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page121" id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>"I come," said Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>
+last week, "from a farming stock right
+down from the Flood. The first thing
+a farmer wants is to be secure." It
+was of course during the Flood that
+the insecurity of land tenure was most
+noticeable.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Lord <span class="sc">Carrick</span>, who a few months
+ago was appearing in a sketch at the
+Coliseum, seconded the Address in the
+House of Lords. We are glad to note
+the growth of ties between Parliament
+and the Stage, and we are not without
+hope that before long a further link
+will be added in the person of <span class="sc">Sir
+George Alexander</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>A new form of flying
+boat is being built in
+America, in which it is
+hoped that somebody
+may fly from Newfoundland
+to Ireland in fifteen
+hours. In the event of
+Home Rule, we trust, for
+the sake of the intrepid
+aviator, that a still fleeter
+flying boat will be designed
+for the return
+journey.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>A resident of Waltham
+Abbey has just received
+a letter with a Waltham
+Cross post-mark on the
+back of the envelope
+dated February, 31, 1914.
+We understand that the
+recipient proposes to
+return the letter to the
+Post Office marked
+"Date unknown."</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>With reference to the Old Time
+Supper which is to be a feature of the
+Chelsea Arts Club Ball we are requested
+to state that it must not be taken that
+all the food offered for consumption on
+that occasion will bear the stamp of
+antiquity.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>An enterprising publisher has, it is
+rumoured, persuaded no less a personage
+than Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> to write some
+books for him, and we are promised
+at an early date, "Essays on Lamb
+(shorn)," "The Fortunes of Montrose,"
+and other works of creative fancy.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>"I was shaved yesterday by a highly
+intelligent young Pole," says a writer
+in <i>The Express</i>. The Barber's Pole is
+of course a very old institution.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>"Old Masters&mdash;<span class="sc">Velasquez</span> and so
+on&mdash;what are they?" said Mr. Justice
+<span class="sc">Eve</span> last week during a case dealing
+with pictures. "I should turn them
+into cash if they were mine." Seeing
+how often the old fellows painted
+<span class="sc">Eve's</span> portrait, this <i>dictum</i> of his
+Lordship strikes one as ungracious.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>Messrs. <span class="sc">Bryant and May</span> have issued
+a brochure describing how little houses
+may be made out of matches. A companion
+volume, entitled "How to light
+them," by a Suffragette, may be expected
+shortly.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>It is sometimes asked, Why do so few
+individuals when sentenced to death for
+murder take advantage of their right
+to appeal? The answer is, Because the
+Court of Criminal Appeal has the power
+of increasing a sentence.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Samuel, in the spirit of a notorious
+member of his race, one Pontius Pilate,
+disavows all responsibility in the matter of
+the shooting of Englishmen in the Transvaal."</p>
+
+<p><i>New Witness.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Punch</i> (to Mr. <span class="sc">Samuel</span>) <i>Ave!
+Civis Romane!</i></p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+  <a href="images/121.png"><img width="80%" src="images/121.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><i>Butler</i> (<i>to new servant from the country</i>). "<span class="sc">When you've quite finished
+cleaning next door's steps perhaps you would kindly begin on our
+own</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Bric-a-brac.</span>&mdash;'My Somali Book' is a
+work by Captain Mosse, who spent a considerable
+time in the country, which Sampson
+Low is about to publish."&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Modesty is all very well in its place,
+but to publish an area of over 400,000
+square miles and then call the feat
+"Bric-&agrave;-Brac"&mdash;well!</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The full penalty of &pound;20 and costs was
+imposed at Croydon Borough Police-court
+upon Ernest Montefiore de Wilton, of St.
+James's-street, W., for exceeding the ten-mile
+limit at Southend on Jan. 25.</p>
+
+<p>Burroughes &amp; Watts' Billiard Tables for
+Speed."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">de Wilton</span>, reading the advertisement:
+"No, thanks. A really slow
+table for me."</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<h3>THE STRIKE OF SCHOOL-TEACHERS.</h3>
+
+<p>Sir,&mdash;Is the nation properly alive to
+the seriousness of the educational
+<i>impasse</i> in Herefordshire? Personally
+I view with alarm the state of things
+of which that is a symptom.</p>
+
+<p>What will it mean if this sort of
+thing spreads, as I fear it may? We
+shall have the children of our working-classes
+growing up ill-educated and
+with imperfect manners. Their spelling
+will become phonetic. They will cease
+to speak grammatically. They will
+lose their pleasing accent. Their lack
+of instruction in arithmetic may even
+lead them into errors savouring of
+criminality. Worse, they will fall
+back in their appreciation of music, art
+and poetry. They will
+be reading trashy and
+sensational literature
+rather than the classical
+works to which our elementary
+education
+directs their tastes.</p>
+
+<p>To my mind, the condition
+of things is grave
+in the extreme, and for
+the sake of the children
+I beg the nation to wake
+up and put an end to
+conditions which make
+these strikes possible.</p>
+
+<p>Yours obediently,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Educational Reformer.</span></p>
+
+<p>Sir,&mdash;The most promising
+event of last week
+was the delightful strike
+of school-teachers in that
+beautiful county of Hereford.
+Happy children,
+thus to be freed from the shackles of our
+so-called education. They will now go
+to the only school worth learning in&mdash;the
+school of Mother Nature; and if only
+the strike will continue long enough
+we shall see in years to come poets
+and painters and musicians making a
+glad procession from their Herefordshire
+homes to carry light and joy into
+our dark places.</p>
+
+<p>Yours ecstatically,</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Vavasour Pringle.</span></p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The Bishop of Zanzibar (Dr. Weston)
+arrived at Charing-cross from Paris yesterday
+afternoon.... He went to the House of
+Charity, 1, Greek-street."&mdash;<i>The Times.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And a very good address for him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Shea, Blackburn Rovers' clever insight-right,
+scored all three goals for the Football
+League against the Southern League at New
+Cross."&mdash;<i>Westminster Gazette.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Selection Committee's insight also
+right, evidently.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page122" id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span>
+
+<h2>GUESS WHO IT IS.</h2>
+
+<p>From a Competition in <i>People of Position</i>
+(with which are incorporated <i>West
+End Whispers and Mayfair Mysteries</i>).
+Prizes will be awarded to the three
+readers who are first, second, and third
+in guessing the identities of the greatest
+number of Society Personages indicated
+in the Guess Who It Is series of articles.</p>
+
+<p>First Prize, a copy of this year's
+<i>Debrett</i>. Second Prize, a copy of last
+year's <i>Debrett</i>. Third Prize, a bound
+volume of <i>People of Position</i> (with which
+are incorporated <i>West-End Whispers
+and Mayfair Mysteries</i>.)</p>
+
+<hr class="short"/>
+
+<p>She is a woman who matters very
+much indeed. By birth and by marriage
+she belongs to two extremely ancient
+families, which were settled in Britain
+when it was entirely covered with
+forests and inhabited largely by wild
+beasts. But it is not any advantage of
+birth or of wealth that has made her the
+great social figure she is. It is her
+extraordinary charm and her arresting
+personality. She is not strictly beautiful,
+but her smile is peculiarly her own&mdash;a
+rare distinction in these days when
+there is so much that is artificial.</p>
+
+<p>She has the reputation of being one
+of the three best dressed women in
+Europe, and never wears anything, not
+even her boots, more than once. Her
+wit is positively brilliant, and in this
+connection it may be asserted once for
+all that it was she who first gave vogue
+to the greeting, "Doodledo," an abbreviated
+form of "How d'you do," though
+others have been given the credit for
+that sparkling pleasantry. In the art
+of "setting down" she is unapproachable,
+combining gentle courtesy with
+fine satire and mordant epigram, as on
+the occasion when a certain pushing
+and impossible outside person claimed
+her acquaintance in public with a loud
+"How are you?" With her own look
+and smile she turned and gave him his
+<i>coup de gr&acirc;ce</i>&mdash;"Not any the better for
+seeing you!"&mdash;at which an exalted
+foreign Personage, who was chatting
+with her laughed so much that he fell
+into an apoplexy.</p>
+
+<p>She and her husband are sometimes
+at their beautiful place in Middleshire,
+and sometimes at their mansion in
+Belvenor Square. When they are not
+in England they are generally abroad.
+She is devoted to horse-riding, motoring,
+yachting, and ski-ing, but has not, like
+some of her set, forgotten how to walk.
+On the contrary, when in town she may
+occasionally be seen taking this old-fashioned
+form of exercise in the Park,
+placing one foot alternately before the
+other in her charmingly characteristic
+manner.</p>
+
+<p>She has once or twice, in a delightfully
+mischievous spirit, amused herself
+by flouting those very social ordinances
+of which she is an acknowledged high
+priestess. When wars, strikes, and
+Governments are forgotten, it will still
+be remembered how, some years ago
+when she was a few months younger
+than she is now, she appeared in her
+box at the opera on a <span class="sc">Melba</span> (<i>and
+therefore a tiara</i>) night wearing a necklace
+of spar beads and a large ribbon
+bow on her head. An electric shock
+ran through the house; opera and
+singers were unheeded; and the beautiful
+Countess of &mdash;&mdash; tore the family
+diamonds from her head and neck, and,
+with a shriek of despair, flung them into
+the orchestra.</p>
+
+<p>The subject of our article could have
+shone in any or all of the arts, had she
+cared to give her time and talents to
+them. Let it be said, too, that, though
+surrounded from her infancy with "all
+this world and all the glory of it," she
+has a serious side to her character,
+countenances the Church, and by no
+means discourages religion.</p>
+
+<p>It is widely known that she keeps a
+diary. Ah! if only that diary, in its
+dainty, morocco, gold-clasped volumes,
+could be abstracted from the wonderful
+mother-o'-pearl escritoire, carried out
+of the exquisite Renaissance boudoir,
+down the noble staircase and out of the
+massive hall-door, and, after the spelling,
+grammar and composition had
+been slightly overhauled, if it could but
+be published and given to the eager
+world, what an intellectual feast it would
+provide! And to the fair, gifted, high-born
+diarist what a fortune it would
+bring, and what a number of simply
+<i>absorbing</i> libel cases!</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc"><i>Guess Who It Is.</i></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><i>The Daily Mail</i> must be more careful
+with its posters. Here are two recent
+examples:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">&pound;2 a Week for Life.</span></p>
+
+<p>DRAMATIC END TO
+SACK CRIME TRIAL.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">&pound;2 a Week for Life.</span></p>
+
+<p>COOLEST FRAUD
+ON RECORD.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Lady Dorothy Wood, sister of the Earl of
+Onslow and wife of the Hon. E. F. Wood,
+M.P., son and heir of Viscount Halifax, was
+the recipient of birthday congratulations yesterday,
+when the Earl of Erroll, of Slain's
+Castle, Aberdeenshire, completed his 62nd
+year."&mdash;<i>Observer.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The Earl of <span class="sc">Erroll's</span> turn for congratulations
+will come when Lady
+<span class="sc">Dorothy</span> has a birthday.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME ANALYSIS.</h2>
+
+<p>Now that the Pantomime season is
+drawing to a close and the intelligent
+student of this branch of Drama is
+tempted to pass it in review, it may be
+useful to him to have a list of possible
+Pantomimes drawn up in a tabulated
+form according to genus and species, that
+their finer distinctions, so easily overlooked,
+may be the better apprehended.
+<i>Mr. Punch</i> has no hesitation in placing
+his nice erudition at the disposal of
+his readers.</p>
+
+<p>Pantomimes may be divided into
+those of a distinctly Oriental origin and
+<i>milieu</i> and those which are either
+associated with Occidental localities or
+with none in particular. For convenience
+we may divide them broadly
+and loosely into Oriental and Non-Oriental
+Pantomimes. Very well, then.</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">I.&mdash;Oriental.</span></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A. With a ship (<i>Sinbad the Sailor</i>).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>B. Without a ship.</p>
+<p class="i2">(a) With a cave.</p>
+<p class="i4">(1) Password to cave, "Open Sesame" (<i>The Forty Thieves</i>).</p>
+<p class="i4">(2) Password to cave, "Abracadabra" (<i>Aladdin</i>).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">(b) Without a cave (<i>Bluebeard</i>).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">II.&mdash;Non-Oriental.</span></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A. With a ship.</p>
+<p class="i2">(a) With a cat (<i>Dick Whittington</i>).</p>
+<p class="i2">(b) Without a cat (<i>Robinson Crusoe</i>).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>B. Without a ship.</p>
+<p class="i2">(a) With a giant.</p>
+<p class="i4">(1) With a cat (<i>Puss-in-Boots</i>).</p>
+<p class="i4">(2) Without a cat.</p>
+<p class="i6">(i.) With a bean-stalk (<i>Jack and the Beanstalk</i>).</p>
+<p class="i6">(ii.) Without a beanstalk (<i>Jack the Giant-Killer</i>).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">(b) Without a giant:</p>
+<p class="i4">(1) With animals: sheep (<i>Bo-Peep</i>);</p>
+<p class="i8">wolf (<i>Little Red Riding-Hood</i>);</p>
+<p class="i8">goose (<i>Mother Goose</i>);</p>
+<p class="i8">uncertain (<i>Beauty and the Beast</i>);</p>
+<p class="i8">two children (<i>The Babes in the Wood</i>).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">(2) Without animals.</p>
+<p class="i6">(i.) With footgear: shoes (<i>Goody Two-Shoes</i>);</p>
+<p class="i10"> slippers (<i>Cinderella</i>).</p>
+<p class="i4"> (ii.) No particular footgear.</p>
+<p class="i6"> (a) With a "Jack" (<i>Jack and</i></p>
+<p class="i10">    <i>Jill, Little Jack Horner, The House that Jack Built</i>).</p>
+<p class="i6"> (b) Without a "Jack" (The Sleeping Beauty).</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Notice on a suite of furniture:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Monthly payments 12/6. They will last
+a lifetime."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Help!</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page123" id="page123"></a>[pg 123]</span>
+
+<h3>ONE OF US&mdash;NOW.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+  <a href="images/123.png"><img width="100%" src="images/123.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">The Old Postmaster-General</span> (<i>to the New Postmaster-General</i>). "THAT YOU, HOBHOUSE?
+I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU ON THIS INFERNAL TELEPHONE FOR
+THE LAST HALF-HOUR. I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON BEING APPOINTED TO
+A DEPARTMENT WHICH I LEFT IN A STATE OF PERFECT EFFICIENCY."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page125" id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+  <a href="images/125.png"><img width="100%" src="images/125.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><i>Fair Yankee</i> (<i>who, on her first visit to England, has been told how extremely obliging the London policeman is</i>). "<span class="sc">Say, would you
+vurry kindly do up my shoe-string?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"CINES" OF THE TIMES.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>A far-away Project of educational Films.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>O advent of the age of gold,</p>
+<p class="i2">O happy day for proud papas</p>
+<p>When Hellas shall her tale unfold</p>
+<p class="i2">On secondary "cinemas"!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>When "all the glory that was Greece</p>
+<p class="i2">And all the grandeur that was Rome"</p>
+<p>Shall hire on a perpetual lease</p>
+<p class="i2">The academic "Picturedrome."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>O <span class="sc">Ovid</span> on the screen for kids!</p>
+<p class="i2">O Helicon attained by 'bus!</p>
+<p>O filmographic Aeneids!</p>
+<p> O vitoscoped <span class="sc">Herodotus</span>!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Our boys shall note the sacred Nine</p>
+<p class="i2">Ascending their immortal peak,</p>
+<p>Also Apollo (he was fine</p>
+<p class="i2">In the old films as <i>Alf the Freak</i>).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They shall behold <span class="sc">Teiresias</span></p>
+<p class="i2">Telling the doom of Thebes, and con</p>
+<p>With eyes but not with lips the crass</p>
+<p class="i2">Way in which <span class="sc">&OElig;dipus</span> went on.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They shall observe quite painlessly</p>
+<p class="i2">The heroes toiling as they sit</p>
+<p>Rowing upon the sun-kissed sea</p>
+<p class="i2">With black smuts racing over it.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Some stout electroscopic "star,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Some Gallic beauty bistre-eyed,</p>
+<p>Shall show them in the years afar</p>
+<p class="i2">How Helen laughed, how Priam died,</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And how the good <span class="sc">&AElig;neas</span> came</p>
+<p class="i2">Through faked adventures on the screen</p>
+<p>To Latium, and what forks of flame</p>
+<p class="i2">Devoured a dummy Punic queen.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What snares the Queen of Love employed,</p>
+<p class="i2">What Juno: mixed with local ads,</p>
+<p>These shall be thoroughly enjoyed</p>
+<p class="i2">By all appreciative lads.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And some day, if the gods are kind</p>
+<p class="i2">To hearts so filled with classic feats</p>
+<p>In many a marble palace "cined"</p>
+<p class="i2">And puffed so oft in halfpenny sheets,</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Shall come revulsion, faintly stirred</p>
+<p class="i2">By Ph&oelig;bus' and the Muses' laugh,</p>
+<p>Against the foul sins of a word</p>
+<p class="i2">Like spectodrome or vitagraph.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Youth shall draw learning from the spring</p>
+<p class="i2">Pierian, and be taught to know</p>
+<p>The clustered verbal shames that cling</p>
+<p class="i2">About the moving picture show,</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Till at the last shall dawn a bright,</p>
+<p class="i2">A long-to-be-remembered day,</p>
+<p>When porticos of fanes of light</p>
+<p class="i2">Shall print Kinema with a K.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"H.M.S. Cumberland.</p>
+
+<p>Geneva, Tuesday.</p>
+
+<p>The Municipality to-day gave a luncheon
+in honour of the officers and cadets of the
+training ship Cumberland.&mdash;Reuter."</p>
+
+<p><i>Naval and Military Record.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Another record for <span class="sc">Winston</span>. He alone
+could succeed in getting <i>H.M.S. Cumberland</i>
+to Geneva.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Widcombe Manor, Bath, in which Fielding
+is said to have written 'Tom Jones,' is to
+come under the hammer shortly. It is one of
+the smaller houses erected by Indigo Jones."</p>
+
+<p><i>Manchester Evening News.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It was, of course, the influence of his
+ancestor Indigo which so tinged certain
+episodes in <i>Tom's</i> career.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page126" id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span>
+
+
+<h2>THE BAZAAR CUSHION.</h2>
+
+<p>"Ha! Someone has been sitting
+on it," cried Father William, snatching
+a flattened object off the piano-stool
+in high irritation. "It's abominable,
+you know," turning to me. "There
+are any number of cushions. The
+house is stuffed with cushions. Why
+people should always pounce upon this
+one and manhandle it in this way"&mdash;He
+put it on the table and began
+punching and squeezing and puffing
+and smoothing it till it had expanded
+to its full extent. Then he flicked the
+dust off it with his handkerchief. "I'll
+put it back in its box under the sofa,"
+he said. "I can't understand how it
+ever got out."</p>
+
+<p>He dropped into an
+armchair and instantly
+recovered his equanimity.</p>
+
+<p>"And why should
+they spare that one?"
+I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"That," said the old
+man solemnly, "is my
+bazaar cushion."</p>
+
+<p>"I thought it looked
+as if it had escaped
+from a bazaar," said I.</p>
+
+<p>"It came back only
+last night," he went
+on. "Are you a judge
+of cushions? How do
+you like it? Pretty
+nice piece of work, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said I cautiously.
+"Looks to me
+pretty well put together
+and all that; but it's
+rather&mdash;well, hideous,
+isn't it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes," said
+Father William. "I
+suppose it's the colour you object to. I
+confess it's a bit of an eyesore. But
+of course it has to be like that. It's a
+case of protective colouring, you know."</p>
+
+<p>I didn't quite follow his line of
+thought and there was a short pause.
+"You would hardly think to look at it,"
+the old man went on at last, "that
+that cushion has stood between me and
+all the trials and persecutions incidental
+to bazaars for nearly half a century.
+Perhaps the plague is not quite so bad
+as it was in the old days when I was
+in my first City parish, but I must
+say they were particularly active last
+summer. They have taken to holding
+them outside now, with Chinese lanterns,
+so that there is no close season at all.
+I had the wit at the very outset to see
+that the thing must be grappled with.
+They used to badger me in two separate
+ways. I was always expected to send
+some sort of contribution&mdash;and then I
+had to go and buy things. That was
+the worst of it. I used to dive about,
+harassed and pursued, searching in
+vain for the price of my freedom,
+always confronted by smoking-caps
+and impossible needlework. It was a
+fearful ordeal."</p>
+
+<p>"I know," said I, with sympathy.
+"I know all about it."</p>
+
+<p>"But I found a way out, thanks to
+my cushion. I bought it at a Sale of
+Work for Waifs and Strays nearly forty-seven
+years ago, and I think you will
+agree with me that it is a fairly good
+cushion yet. Of course it has been
+re-covered more than once. It was
+getting altogether too well known in
+Streatham at one time. It used to be
+blue with horrid little silver spangles."</p>
+
+<p>"And how does it work?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is beautifully simple. I am told
+that a bazaar is contemplated and
+asked if I will assist. Very well, I
+send my cushion. That is quite good
+enough; no one would expect me to do
+more. Then I go, on the appointed
+day, buy the cushion, and walk out
+with an enormous parcel for all the
+world to see that I have done my duty.
+Then it goes back in its box. The
+only bazaars that I am unable to assist
+are those which occur (as they sometimes
+do) when my cushion happens
+to be out."</p>
+
+<p>"And is it never sold?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, <i>look</i> at it!" said Father
+William. "Of course it had to be
+of such a nature that there was no
+danger of its going off too quick. I
+used always to go early on the first
+day to make sure. But since the
+last time it was re-covered I have
+had more confidence in its staying
+powers. I find there is no particular
+hurry."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you put a price on it?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no. I don't like to do that.
+That might put me in an awkward
+position if it came out. But I find it
+fairly exciting on each occasion to
+discover what I shall have to pay for it.
+It is generally more expensive now
+than it used to be in the old days.
+I suppose it is the rise in the cost of
+living. But I am seldom satisfied,
+either way. If it is too cheap I
+naturally feel rather slighted, seeing
+that it was I who sent it; and if it is
+too dear of course I am annoyed because
+I have to buy it. And it fluctuates
+extraordinarily. I have more than
+once bought it in at
+half-a-crown and come
+home burning with indignation,
+and, if you
+will believe me, there
+was a blackguard at
+that big Sale of Work
+for the Territorials in
+the autumn who had the
+effrontery to charge me
+a guinea and a half. I
+was furious with him."</p>
+
+<p>"I wish you would
+lend it to me, Father
+William," said I, after
+a pause. "We are getting
+up a Jumble Sale
+in Little Sudbury."</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Father
+William firmly, "no.
+Little Sudbury is barred.
+The last time it was
+there on sale there was
+a very painful scene.
+I had arrived rather
+late, I remember, and
+I found my cushion
+actually being sold by auction along
+with a pair of worsted slippers and a
+woolly door mat&mdash;in one lot. I thought
+it showed very poor taste. Besides, it
+is already booked to appear six times
+in the next fortnight."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+  <a href="images/126.png"><img width="100%" src="images/126.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><i>Dear Old Lady.</i> "<span class="sc">You have a picture in the window marked ten-and-six,
+by a Mr. Holbein. Could you tell me if that is an original painting
+or merely a print?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Harold Napping.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"How stupid are the degenerate Tories
+who call this man [Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>] a
+demagogue."&mdash;<i>Mr. <span class="sc">Begbie</span> on Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd
+George</span> in "The Daily Chronicle," Feb. 5.</i></p>
+
+<p>"He [Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>] was, if you like,
+a demagogue."&mdash;<i>Mr. <span class="sc">Begbie</span> on Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span>
+in "The Daily Chronicle," Feb. 7.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The Duke of <span class="sc">Sutherland</span>, we see,
+values the diamond-studded gold watch
+and chain, of which he has just been
+relieved by two desperate Neapolitans,
+at &pound;60. But the real question is, would
+the <span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span>
+accept that valuation?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page127" id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+  <a href="images/127.png"><img width="100%" src="images/127.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p>"<span class="sc">Oh, Jockywock darling, you <i>must</i> try and remember it's a tricycle, not a bicycle.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>WHEN BOSS EATS BOSS.</h2>
+
+<p>According to the New York Correspondent
+of <i>The Daily Chronicle</i>, the
+publication of a letter from Mr. <span class="sc">Croker</span>,
+formerly the great Tammany Chief,
+attacking his successor, Mr. <span class="sc">Murphy</span>,
+has greatly strengthened the campaign
+for purifying the Administration.</p>
+
+<p>The recent meeting of the Statistical
+Society was rendered remarkable by a
+letter from Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> who, in
+regretting his inability to be present,
+impressed upon the Society the need of
+upholding a vigorous and fastidious
+accuracy in the use of facts and figures.
+"To gain a momentary triumph over
+an antagonist in a public controversy
+by a misquotation, even though only a
+fraction is involved, is, in my opinion,
+an act which permanently disqualifies
+the offender from holding any place of
+responsibility." These golden words,
+so the President observed, ought to be
+engraved in indelible letters in every
+school in the kingdom.</p>
+
+<p>The dignified and telling rebuke recently
+addressed by Mr. <span class="sc">Bernard
+Shaw</span> to Mr. G. K. <span class="sc">Chesterton</span>, for
+undue indulgence in paradoxical gymnastics,
+has given great satisfaction to
+the members of the Society for the
+Promotion of Simplified Thought. As
+the President of the Society, Dr.
+Pickering Phibbs, puts it, to have Mr.
+<span class="sc">Shaw</span> on the side of the angels is
+enough to make the Powers of Darkness
+throw up the sponge.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Keir Hardie's</span> remarkable
+speech at Wolverhampton, when he
+declared that it was the duty of Labour
+to uphold the British Constitution, has
+profoundly impressed Mr. <span class="sc">Larkin</span> and
+Mr. <span class="sc">Lansbury</span>, who are of opinion that
+the stability of the British Empire is
+now assured for at least one hundred
+years.</p>
+
+<p>The publication of a letter from Mr.
+<span class="sc">Roosevelt</span>, censuring President <span class="sc">Wilson</span>
+for the prolixity and verbosity of
+his Presidential messages, will, it is
+believed, lend a powerful impetus to
+the campaign on behalf of brevity in
+public utterances.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Young Lady Apprentice Wanted</span>&mdash;must
+be tall to learn all higher branches of
+the trade."&mdash;<i>Advt. in</i> (<i>our favourite news-paper</i>)
+"<i>The Hairdressers Weekly Journal</i>."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>You want to be tall to reach up to the
+higher branches.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From an Aberdeen firm's advertisement:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Success comes in Cans, not in Can'ts.</p>
+
+<p>Once-a-year Clearance.</p>
+
+<p>To-day and Following Days.</p>
+
+<p>Wonder Values!</p>
+
+<p>Stimulants to Encourage Purchasers.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>In the cans, we suppose.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A GOLF JUDGMENT.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>To the Editor of "Punch."</i>)</p>
+
+<p>Dear Sir,&mdash;As I am not at all satisfied
+with the recent decision of The
+Rules of Golf Committee on the position
+created by a cow carrying off a ball in
+her hoof, I appeal to you to arbitrate
+in the following dispute between myself
+and my friend A (for I am too courteous
+to expose his actual name).</p>
+
+<p>During some very wild weather we
+made an arrangement, before starting
+out, that, in the event of another storm
+coming on, the game should be decided
+by the score existing at the moment of
+our consequent retirement.</p>
+
+<p>A was in receipt of six bisques. I
+holed out the first in five. A, who was
+in well-deserved trouble all the way,
+holed out in ten. I remarked, "One
+up!" to which A made no response.
+As we moved off to the second tee there
+was a loud clap of thunder and the
+heavens burst over our heads. A at once
+shouted above the tumult, "I take my
+six bisques and claim the hole and the
+match." He then headed swiftly for
+the pavilion.</p>
+
+<p>I cannot believe that he was justified
+in his claim. What do <i>you</i> think?</p>
+
+<p>Yours faithfully,  <span class="sc">Fair Play.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Editor's Decision.</i>&mdash;The original
+arrangement was bad in Golf Law.
+The match is therefore off, and each
+party must pay his own costs.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page128" id="page128"></a>[pg 128]</span>
+
+<h2>TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.</h2>
+
+<p>"Do you believe in magic?" Jack
+asked.</p>
+
+<p>I hedged.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, whether you do or not," he
+said, "I've got a rather rum story for
+you."</p>
+
+<p>"Go ahead," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Very well," he said. "It was on
+last Tuesday morning that I looked in
+at the watchmaker's to see if my watch
+was mended yet.</p>
+
+<p>"It was hanging up in the glass case
+above the bench where he worked, with
+my name on a little tab attached to the
+ring.</p>
+
+<p>"'No,' the man said, 'it's not done&mdash;in
+fact, I'm still observing it.'</p>
+
+<p>"'But it seems to be recording the
+time all right,' I said.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes,' he replied&mdash;'seems, but it
+isn't. That's mere chance. Do you
+know, it's so fast that it's gained
+exactly twenty-four hours since you
+brought it in. That's not to-day's
+time it's registering, but to-morrow's.
+Leave it here another week, and I'll
+have got to the bottom of the mystery.'</p>
+
+<p>"At first I was disposed to do so;
+and then I had an idea.</p>
+
+<p>"'No,' I said, 'I'll take it.'</p>
+
+<p>"'But it's useless to you,' he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"'I'll take it," I said. 'Just for fun.'</p>
+
+<p>"He gave it me reluctantly and returned
+to his labours.</p>
+
+<p>"I walked away from the shop very
+thoughtfully. Here was a curious state
+of things. I and the rest of the world
+were living on Monday, February 9th,
+while my watch was busily recording,
+a little too hurriedly, the progress of
+time on Tuesday, February 10th. To
+see into the future has ever been man's
+dearest wish, and here was I in possession
+of a little piece of machinery which
+actually was of the future and yet could
+tell none of its secrets.</p>
+
+<p>"But couldn't it? Couldn't I wrest
+one at least from it?&mdash;that was what
+worried me.</p>
+
+<p>"As I pondered, a newspaper boy
+passed me bearing the placard 'Selections
+for Lingfield,' and in a flash I
+bought one. My watch knew who had
+won! How could I extract that information
+from it?"</p>
+
+<p>Jack paused.</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens," I interpolated,
+"what an extraordinary situation!"</p>
+
+<p>"You may well say so," he said.
+"You see, if only I could share its
+knowledge, I should be rich for life;
+for it was now only a quarter to eleven,
+and the first race was not till one-fifty,
+and there was plenty of time to bet.</p>
+
+<p>"But&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I continued on my way deep in
+thought," Jack went on, "when whom
+should I meet but Lisburne? Lisburne
+is the most ingenious man I know.</p>
+
+<p>"'Come and advise me,' I said, and
+led him to a quiet corner.</p>
+
+<p>"'It's jolly interesting,' he remarked,
+when I had finished, 'but of course it's
+black arts, you know, and we've lost
+the key nowadays. Still we must try.'</p>
+
+<p>"We discussed the thing every way,
+in vain.</p>
+
+<p>"Then suddenly he said, 'Look here,
+this watch represents to-morrow. That
+means it is through the watch that we
+must work. Here, let's get to-day's
+<i>Mail</i> and read it through the watch-glass
+and see if there's any difference?'</p>
+
+<p>"We got it and did so.</p>
+
+<p>"Lisburne removed the glass, found
+the racing news and read them through
+it. 'Good heavens!' he said, and
+turned white. 'Here, read this with
+your naked eye,' he said, pushing the
+paper before me.</p>
+
+<p>"I read 'Saturday's racing results:
+1.30, Midas 1, Blair Hampton 2,
+Chessington 3,' and so on. 'Prices,
+Midas 6-4,' etc.</p>
+
+<p>"'Those are Saturday's results,' he
+said, shaking with excitement. 'But
+now read them through the watch-glass.'</p>
+
+<p>"I did so, and they immediately
+changed to Monday's results. I was
+reading to-morrow's paper!</p>
+
+<p>"'Look at the prices,' he cried.</p>
+
+<p>"'The prices! I hastily ran through
+them. They were splendid. "Captain
+Farrell 10-1, Woodpark 10-1, Flitting
+Light 4-1." And these horses, remember,'
+he said, 'are going to run this
+afternoon!'</p>
+
+<p>"'What's the next thing to be
+done?' I gasped.</p>
+
+<p>"'The bookies,' he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"'I suppose they're fair game,' I
+said.</p>
+
+<p>"'Of course,' he replied. 'The very
+fairest. But that's nothing to do with
+you, anyhow. You're in possession
+of magic and must employ it. They
+are the natural medium. How much
+can you muster?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I'd risk anything I could scrape
+up,' I said. 'Say &pound;750. And you?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh, I'm broke,' he replied. 'How
+many bookies do you know?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Three,' I said.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well,' he replied, 'I know three
+more, and we can find men who know
+others, and who will bet for us. Because
+we must plant this out warily, you
+know, or they'll be suspicious.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Will you take it in hand,' I asked,
+'leaving me &pound;150 for my own commissioners?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Of course,' he said, 'if you'll give
+me ten per cent.;' and having copied
+out all the longer-priced winners through
+the watch-glass he hurried off, promising
+to meet me at lunch.</p>
+
+<p>"How to get through the intervening
+time was now the question. First I
+went to the telegraph office, and then
+to the barber's to have my hair cut.
+Forcibly to be kept in a chair was
+what I needed. The hair-cut took
+only half-an-hour; so I was shaved;
+then I was shampooed; then I was
+massaged; then I was manicured.
+I should have been pedicured, but the
+clock mercifully said lunch-time.</p>
+
+<p>"Lisburne was there in a state of
+fever. He had distributed the &pound;600
+among fourteen different commission
+agents.</p>
+
+<p>"'Now we can have lunch,' he said,
+'with easy minds.'</p>
+
+<p>"Easy!</p>
+
+<p>"'But suppose the whole thing is
+a fizzle,' I said. 'We've been far too
+impetuous. Impulse was always my
+ruin.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh no,' he said.</p>
+
+<p>"'But if it's a fizzle,' I said, 'what
+about my &pound;750?'</p>
+
+<p>"'It won't be,' he replied. 'It's
+magic. Let's order something to eat.'</p>
+
+<p>"He ate; that is the advantage of
+being on ten per cent. commission.
+I couldn't."</p>
+
+<p>Jack paused.</p>
+
+<p>"Go on," I said. "Did the horses
+win?"</p>
+
+<p>"Every one," he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"At those prices?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"Then you're frightfully rich?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Why ever not? Surely the bookies
+haven't refused to pay?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh no."</p>
+
+<p>"Then why aren't you rich?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because I did the usual silly thing&mdash;I
+woke up."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The Cafe Chantant.</p>
+
+<p>To the Editor of 'The Evening Post.'</p>
+
+<p>Sir,&mdash;In writing on the 4th February I
+omitted from the lists of names of two of our
+kind helpers at the Caf&eacute; Chantant, Messrs.
+Le Cheminant and the Victoria Dairy. Will
+you kindly allow me to do so now. Yours
+faithfully, M. P. <span class="sc">pipon</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>"The Evening Post," Jersey.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Apparently the Editor wouldn't!</p>
+
+<hr />
+<blockquote><p>
+"Yesterday a metal-gilt chandelier, 5ft.
+high, with branches for twenty-five lights,
+and numerous cut-glass pendants, fell at the
+one bid of half a guinea. The purchaser, who
+was sitting under it, seemed to be the most
+surprised person in the room."</p>
+
+<p><i>Daily Telegraph.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>If it fell on his head, we fear he must
+have been pained as well as surprised.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"N.B.&mdash;Welsh rarebit is most nourishing,
+and, with a plate of soap, makes an excellent
+dinner." <i>Bombay Gazette.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The soap, however nourishing, should
+be disguised; otherwise your guests
+will misunderstand you.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page129" id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+  <a href="images/129.png"><img width="100%" src="images/129.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><i>Stewardess.</i> "<span class="sc">We are just nearing the harbour, Madam. Would you like some hot water?</span>"</p>
+  <p><i>Passenger</i> (<i>faintly</i>). "<span class="sc">It doesn't matter, thank you; I'm only going to relations.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>LETTERS AND LIFE.</h2>
+
+<p>Preparations are already on foot
+for the great banquet to be given in
+honour of the famous Russian novelist,
+Dr. Ladislas Plovskin, who is to visit
+England in July. A representative
+committee has been formed, which
+includes, amongst others, Sir <span class="sc">Gilbert
+Parker</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Charles Garvice</span>, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Silas Hocking</span>, Mr. C. K. <span class="sc">Shorter</span>,
+Lord <span class="sc">Dunsany</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">James Douglas</span>
+and Mr. <span class="sc">Edmund Gosse</span>, who will take
+the chair at the banquet. There is a
+peculiar appropriateness in this, for it
+was Mr. <span class="sc">Gosse</span> who, some ten years
+ago, first called attention to Plovskin
+in one of his masterly studies. Since
+then, Plovskin has gained the Nobel
+Prize and become the object of a special
+cult which has centres from Tomsk to
+Seattle, and from Popocatapetl to
+Oshkosh.</p>
+
+<p>The address which will be presented
+to the great Muscovite fictionist has
+been written by Mr. <span class="sc">James Douglas</span>,
+and is a masterpiece of sensitive and
+discriminating eulogy. Thus in one
+passage Mr. <span class="sc">Douglas</span> says, "while
+preserving your own individuality with
+miraculous independence, you have
+summed up in your work all the
+inchoate influences to be found in
+<span class="sc">Homer, Dante, Shakspeare, Voltaire</span>
+and <span class="sc">Verlaine</span>, and carried them to a
+pitch of divine effulgence only to be
+equalled in the godlike work of our
+marvellous <span class="sc">Masefield</span>."</p>
+
+<p>Dr. Plovskin is no stranger to England,
+for he was an intimate friend of
+the late <span class="sc">Edward Lear</span>, who alludes to
+him under the name of Ploffskin in one
+of his touching lyrics, and, as we have
+seen, he owes almost everything to the
+generous appreciation of Mr. <span class="sc">Gosse</span>, to
+whom he has dedicated his last novel,
+which bears the fascinating title of <i>The
+Bad Egg</i>. Portions of this, it is to be
+hoped, will be recited at the banquet
+by the author's brother-in-law, Mr.
+Ossip Bobolinsky, Managing Director
+of the Anglo-Manchurian Steam Tar
+Company.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In smart intellectual circles Tagore
+Teas are now all the rage. At these
+elegant and up-to-date entertainments
+China tea is absolutely proscribed, the
+refreshments, solid and liquid, being
+exclusively of Indian origin. After tea
+the guests cantillate passages from the
+prose and poetry of the Great Indian
+Master to the accompaniment of gongs
+(the Sanskrit <i>tum-tum</i>) and one-stringed
+Afghan jamboons, for the space of two
+or three hours, when their engagements
+permit. Sometimes the reading is
+varied by mystical dances of a slow and
+solemn character, but all laughter,
+levity and exuberance are sedulously
+discountenanced, the aim of all present
+being to attain an attitude of serene
+and complacent ecstasy which enables
+them to invest utterances of the most
+perfect ineptitude with a portentous
+and pontifical significance.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The advent to the episcopal bench of Dr.
+Russell Wakefield&mdash;the only Anglican Bishop
+on record to wear a moustache with a clean-shaven
+chin&mdash;does not appear to have aroused
+so much comment as the appointment of Dr.
+Ryle to the See of Liverpool in 1884. It was
+then said that the new prelate was the first
+Anglican Bishop to wear a beard for over 200
+years."&mdash;<i>The Daily Chronicle.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Dr. <span class="sc">Russell Wakefield</span>, of course, has
+not worn his moustache for a quarter
+of that time.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a Hong Kong tradesman's circular:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">"Eggs! Fresh Eggs! and Tasteful Eggs!
+For Sale</span>.</p>
+
+<p>These eggs are exceedingly pure and fresh,
+and can be proved by looking at or breaking
+them. The yelk when boiled&mdash;smell sweet, the
+white&mdash;glistened, relished, and favourable to
+health as well.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Try</span> our taseeful eggs as their quality bears.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Come! Come! Come! and try to have
+some."</span>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page130" id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+  <a href="images/130.png"><img width="100%" src="images/130.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><i>First Winter Sport</i> (<i>looking at a magnificent view of the Alps</i>). "<span class="sc">Not bad, that</span>."</p>
+  <p><i>Second Winter Sport.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, it's all right; but you needn't rave about it like a bally poet</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE HEN.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>To-day it is not mine to sing</p>
+<p>A lay of love, a song of Spring;</p>
+<p>I tackle no uplifting thing</p>
+<p class="i4">Of arms and men;</p>
+<p>My muse is otherwise beguiled</p>
+<p>To gentler themes and measures mild;</p>
+<p>I sing of nature's artless child,</p>
+<p class="i4">The common hen.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Little she has of lyric stuff;</p>
+<p>Her bows, I grant, are merely bluff,</p>
+<p>Her sternmost pile of windy fluff</p>
+<p class="i4">Would leave one cool;</p>
+<p>Yet never since the world was planned</p>
+<p>Was aught more lofty and more grand</p>
+<p>Regarded as a mother&mdash;and</p>
+<p class="i4">Such an old fool.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>In laying eggs is all her joy;</p>
+<p>Its rapture never seems to cloy;</p>
+<p>She knows no worthier employ</p>
+<p class="i4">In life than this,</p>
+<p>So to collect a fertile batch</p>
+<p>Still young, still fresh enough to hatch,</p>
+<p>And thus, by sterling effort, snatch</p>
+<p class="i4">A mother's bliss.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But, though the futile one will lay</p>
+<p>(When she's in form) an egg per day,</p>
+<p>She always gives the fact away</p>
+<p class="i4">With loud acclaim</p>
+<p>That all the novel truth may know;</p>
+<p>Whereby the unsleeping human foe</p>
+<p>Derives a tip on where to go</p>
+<p class="i4">To get the same.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It does not make her senses reel,</p>
+<p>This mystery, or dim her zeal,</p>
+<p>Till by degrees she seems to feel</p>
+<p class="i4">Her broken lot;</p>
+<p>She roams aloof, she grows depressed;</p>
+<p>And then, her broody sorrow guessed,</p>
+<p>Men lure her to a well-filled nest</p>
+<p class="i4">And bid her squat.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And now behold her, warm and wide,</p>
+<p>Her rounded form well satisfied,</p>
+<p>Though even in her highest pride</p>
+<p class="i4">She has no luck;</p>
+<p>The offspring that she tends so well</p>
+<p>Are probably of alien shell;</p>
+<p>Indeed, for all that she can tell,</p>
+<p class="i4">They may be duck.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yes, one may grant that on the whole</p>
+<p>She would not thrill the poet soul;</p>
+<p>For, tho' she plays a decent <i>r&ocirc;le</i></p>
+<p class="i4">Beyond all doubt,</p>
+<p>Where mental qualities are lacked</p>
+<p>We find but little to attract;</p>
+<p>She does not make, in point of fact,</p>
+<p class="i4">The heart go out.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But see her when some danger lies</p>
+<p>O'er her young brood, and, with wild eyes,</p>
+<p>Straight at the sudden foe she flies,</p>
+<p class="i4">Her full soul spurred</p>
+<p>To battle with the gnashing beak&mdash;</p>
+<p>A roaring tiger is more meek;</p>
+<p>And somehow one is bound to speak</p>
+<p class="i4">Well of the bird.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dum-Dum.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From the "Found" column in <i>The
+Standard</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Fox Skin Fur, on Hog's Back."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The last place where you would look
+for it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Natal first innings&mdash;Barnes, 5 wickets for
+44 runs; Rolf, 4 for 59; Woolley, 6 for 6;
+Douglas, 8 for 8; Hearne, none for 15; Bird,
+1 for 9.&mdash;P.A. Foreign Special Telegram."</p>
+
+<p><i>Glasgow Herald.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And yet Natal won.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page131" id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span>
+
+<h3>THE MISSING WORD.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+  <a href="images/131.png"><img width="100%" src="images/131.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">The "Premier" Parrot</span> (<i>emerging from profound thought</i>). "EX&mdash;&mdash;EX&mdash;&mdash;EX&mdash;&mdash;EX&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+  <p><span class="sc">John Bull.</span> "LOOK HERE, HERBERT, IF YOU'RE <i>GOING</i> TO SAY 'EXCLUSION,' FOR
+HEAVEN'S SAKE <i>SAY</i> IT AND GET IT OVER!" [<i>Parrot relapses into profound thought</i>.]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p>(<span class="sc">Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.</span>)</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Tuesday, February</i>
+10.&mdash;Odd to find proceedings in
+House to-day reminiscent of incident in
+a famous trial. Occasion recognised as
+supremely momentous. Marks, within
+defined limit of time, crisis of bitter
+controversy. Before Session closes fate
+of Ireland and of the
+Ministry will be settled.
+<span class="sc">Premier's</span> speech awaited
+with gravest anxiety.
+Lobby thronged with
+animated groups. Before
+four o'clock&mdash;when
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span> returned to
+Chair elate with consciousness
+of singular
+foresight in having "for
+greater accuracy" possessed
+himself of copy of
+<span class="sc">King's</span> Speech, presently
+read to expectant Members,
+most of whom heard
+it delivered from the
+Throne two hours earlier&mdash;stream
+of humanity
+flooded House, filling
+every seat and crowding
+Bar.</p>
+
+<p>It was at preliminary
+gathering that case of
+<i>Bardell</i> v. <i>Pickwick</i> was
+recalled. House awaiting arrival of
+Black Rod with summons to repair to
+gilded Chamber. Message delivered,
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span>, escorted by <span class="sc">Serjeant-at-Arms</span>
+carrying Mace, marches off. From
+Treasury Bench and from Front Bench
+opposite, Leader of House and Leader
+of Opposition simultaneously rise and
+fall in. Other Ministers and ex-Ministers
+with mob of Members complete
+procession.</p>
+
+<p>When <span class="sc">Premier</span> and <span class="sc">Bonner Law</span>
+met they heartily shook hands. <span class="sc">Captain
+Craig</span> and <span class="sc">Moore</span> (of Armagh) looked
+at each other in pained surprise.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+  <a href="images/133a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/133a.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><i>Mr. Pickwick</i> (Captain <span class="sc">Craig</span>) regards with abhorrence the exchange of
+salutations between <i>Serjeant Buzfuz</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>) and his own counsel, <i>Serjeant
+Snubbin</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>).</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Here was the touch of nature that
+makes the whole world kin. When
+seated in court awaiting opening of
+trial, <i>Mr. Pickwick</i> observed a learned
+serjeant-at-law make friendly salutation
+to his own counsel.</p>
+
+<p>"Who's that red-faced man who said
+it was a fine morning, and nodded to our
+counsel?" he whispered to his solicitor.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz," was the
+reply. "He's opposed to us; he leads
+on the other side."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Pickwick</i>, it is recorded, regarded
+with great abhorrence the cold-blooded
+villainy of a man who, as
+counsel for the opposite party, presumed
+to tell <i>Mr. Serjeant Snubbin</i>,
+who was counsel for him, that it was a
+fine morning.</p>
+
+<p>Thus <span class="sc">Moore</span> (of Armagh) and the
+<span class="sc">Courageous Craig</span>. Here were the
+contending forces set in battle array,
+and the first thing they behold is their
+Captain shaking hands with the commander
+of the enemy! An ominous
+beginning, they agreed, well calculated
+to depress the spirits of men who mean
+business.</p>
+
+<p>It proved emblematical of what
+followed. Expected that stupendous
+occasion would be marked by dramatic
+scenes, possibly by outbreak of disorder.
+Nothing of that kind happened.
+Scene was indeed impressive by reason
+of Chamber being crowded from floor
+to topmost bench of Strangers'
+Gallery. Also, whilst <span class="sc">Premier</span> in unusually
+low-spoken, comparatively halting
+voice, delivered critical passages
+of his speech, there was movement
+marking intense interest. Multitude
+on floor of House bent forward to
+catch the murmured syllables. Members
+crowding the side galleries stood up in
+same anxious quest.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+  <a href="images/133b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/133b.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><i>Mr. <span class="sc">John Burns</span></i> (<i>holding list of the four
+new appointments to Government Departments,
+including his own to the Board of Trade</i>).
+"Excellent choices!&mdash;with perhaps the exception
+of <span class="sc">Samuel, Hobhouse</span> and <span class="sc">Masterman</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Otherwise the accustomed signs and
+tokens of Parliamentary crisis were
+conspicuously lacking. <span class="sc">Walter Long</span>,
+whose return to fighting-line
+after bout of illness
+was warmly welcomed on
+both sides, pitched the
+opening note a little low.
+Not fierce enough to
+gratify Ulster, he correspondingly
+failed to irritate
+the Home Rulers.</p>
+
+<p>As for <span class="sc">Premier</span>, his
+part, adroitly played, was
+to appear to be saying a
+good deal without committing
+himself to definite
+pledges. Above all, not
+to inflame controversy.
+He brought with him unusually
+copious notes,
+but did not, as is his
+wont on such occasions,
+read from them the text
+of especially weighty
+passages. Spoke slowly,
+occasionally in a murmur,
+uttering his sentences
+as if deliberately weighing each
+word. Following <span class="sc">Walter Long</span>, he
+was received with prolonged cheers,
+testifying to personal popularity.
+When he sat down cheering was more
+polite than effusive.</p>
+
+<p>Irish Nationalists barely contributed
+even to this circumspect note of approval.
+Throughout nearly an hour's
+speech they sat in ominous silence,
+listening to passages in which they
+seemed to recognise disposition on part
+of <span class="sc">Premier</span> towards mood of <i>Benedick</i>,
+who, when he said he would die a
+bachelor, never thought he would live
+to be married.</p>
+
+<p>Had not <span class="sc">Premier</span> within the last
+twelve months frequently declared he
+would never consent to exclusion of
+Ulster from Home Rule Bill? And
+wasn't he now showing signs of disposition
+to surrender?</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Parliament reassembles.
+<span class="sc">Walter Long</span>, on behalf of Opposition,
+moves amendment to Address,
+calling upon Government to appeal to
+country before proceeding further with
+Home Rule Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Interest of sitting centred
+in speeches of <span class="sc">Carson</span> and <span class="sc">John
+Redmond</span>. Former met with rousing
+reception from Opposition. Some
+Ministerialists would have liked to join
+in the demonstration, not because they
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page134" id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span>
+share <span class="sc">Carson's</span> views or admire his
+policy, but because they instinctively
+feel admiration for a man of commanding
+position who has sacrificed
+personal and professional interests to
+what he regards as the well-being of his
+country. Esteem increased by merit
+of his speech. Only once did he lapse
+into tone and manner of personal
+attack familiar to House when Ulster
+Members and Nationalists, hating each
+other for love of their country, join in
+debate. Turning round to top bench
+below Gangway, where <span class="sc">John Redmond</span>
+sat attentive, he said: "If
+you want Ulster, come and
+take her, or come and win
+her. But you have never
+wanted her affections; you
+have wanted her taxes."</p>
+
+<p>This stung to the quick.
+<span class="sc">Redmond</span>, leaping to his feet
+when <span class="sc">Carson</span> resumed his
+seat, hotly denounced accusation
+as unworthy of his
+countryman.</p>
+
+<p>House already began to
+show signs of satiety. Long
+intervals when benches were
+empty. <span class="sc">Cousin Hugh</span>, speaking
+at favourable hour of six
+o'clock, failed to attract an
+audience to whom he might
+present his cheering forecast
+of an interval of six weeks
+spent in listening to speeches
+of Members below the Gangway,
+"poked up by the <span class="sc">Chancellor
+of the Exchequer</span>
+to attack the <span class="sc">First Lord of
+the Admiralty</span>." Benches
+crowded whilst <span class="sc">Carson</span> and
+<span class="sc">Redmond</span> spoke. Filled up
+again when <span class="sc">Chancellor of
+Exchequer</span> in brief speech
+wound up debate on behalf
+of Government, and <span class="sc">Bonner
+Law</span>, as usual unencumbered
+by notes, replied.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Demand
+for immediate dissolution negatived by
+333 votes against 255. Opposition
+elate at reduced majority.</p>
+
+<p>"I fancy," said <span class="sc">Premier</span>, smiling
+serenely upon the <span class="sc">Winsome Winston</span>,
+"they would gladly suffer from our complaint."</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Lords, Thursday.</i>&mdash;Noble
+Lords, having disposed of Address,
+already find themselves in condition of
+frozen-out gardeners who have no work
+to do. Session but a few days old has
+already afforded fresh sign of disposition
+to belittle hereditary Chamber.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+  <a href="images/134.png"><img width="100%" src="images/134.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p>"Noble Lords already find themselves in condition of frozen-out
+gardeners who have no work to do."</p>
+  <p>(Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span> and Lord <span class="sc">Lansdowne</span>.)</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<p>It happened thus. On opening night
+Lord <span class="sc">Londonderry</span>, making his way
+along Peers' Gallery in Commons, came
+upon extraordinary sight. A stranger
+on front seat overlooking sacred quarter
+allotted to Peers, finding himself incommoded
+by hat and overcoat, neatly
+folded up the latter, dropped it on the
+Peers' bench beneath and carefully
+placed his hat upon it. Hadn't <span class="sc">Lloyd
+George</span> demonstrated that the land
+belonged to the people? Here was
+undeveloped space. As a free man
+he claimed it for his own uses.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Londonderry</span>, halting, angrily regarded
+the incumbrance. Turned about
+with evident intention of calling attendant's
+notice to unparalleled liberty.
+At that moment his eye fell on the
+countenance of the stranger. Could it
+be? Yes; it was the school proprietor
+whose patriotic offer of aid to Ulster
+in approaching civil war he had a few
+days earlier reported to an admiring
+nation. Letter offered to provide for
+two sons of any Ulster volunteer who
+fell in battle with the myrmidons of an
+iniquitous Ministry. As sometimes
+happens, pearl of the letter was hidden
+in the postscript. Writer explained that
+he could not very well go to the war
+himself but would send his partner.</p>
+
+<p>Recognition placed new aspect on
+little affair. <span class="sc">Londonderry</span> perceived
+it was simple ignorance of customs of
+the place that led to apparent indiscretion.
+So with genial nod passed on
+to seat over the clock.</p>
+
+<p>Few minutes later outraged attendant,
+catching sight of the bundle, peremptorily
+ordered its removal.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;By 243 votes against
+55 Lords carried <span class="sc">Middleton's</span> amendment
+to Address demanding immediate
+dissolution. <span class="sc">Willoughby de Broke</span>
+communicated to the <span class="sc">Member for Sark</span>
+his conviction that this hide-bound
+Government will take no notice of the
+mandate.</p>
+
+<p>"Reminds me," said the Bold Baron,
+brushing away a manly tear, "of a
+hymn I learned in the nursery:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>'Tis not enough to say</p>
+<p class="i2">You're sorry and repent</p>
+<p>If you go on in the same way</p>
+<p class="i2">As you did always went.'"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ANOTHER HAPPY ACCIDENT.</h3>
+
+<p>(<i>From "The Daily Sale."</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>The Daily Sale</i> has peculiar
+pleasure in announcing that
+another of its insured readers
+has been gravely injured by
+an accident to the taxi-cab,
+omnibus, train or tram, in (or
+on) which he was travelling
+at the time of the disaster.
+The name of this reader
+(whose portrait is given) is
+Mr. Vivian Brackendope, the
+well-known amateur actor of
+Burton-on-Beer. Mr. Vivian
+Brackendope is indeed a lucky
+man. He is the ninth of our
+readers to be badly smashed
+up during the past six weeks.
+Now, who will be the tenth?
+Fill up the coupon on page 2
+and <i>you</i> will be eligible.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>An Admirable Crichton.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"In the list of successes in the
+Cambridge Local Examinations we
+notice the name of P. T. Harris,
+of Wellingborough Grammar
+School, who gained credit for himself
+and his school by passing in every subject
+and gaining four distinctions, the distinctions
+being gained in arithmetic, French, algebra,
+and Little Bowden Pig Club."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Market Harborough Advertiser.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Country Life</span>: an Illustrated Journal for
+all interested in Country Life and Country
+Pursuits, complete from its beginning in 1897
+to June 1906, <i>profusely illustrated with views
+of ancient and modern seats, Country scenes,
+sporting incidents, and portraits of winning
+horses, prize beasts, and fashionable beauties."</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Bookseller's List.</i></p>
+</blockquote>
+
+
+<p>An ungallant sequence.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The Wish is Father to the Thought.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Then, after a last earnest statement of
+the Ulster position by Mr. Gordon, the Chancellor
+of the Exchequer rose to wind up the
+Government."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page135" id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+  <a href="images/135a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/135a.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><i>Ardent Young Lady Visitor</i> (<i>who is being shown over author's sanctum</i>). "<span class="sc">How perfectly <i>sweet</i> it must be to have a room
+where one can work without being disturbed</span>."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A TYPICAL AMERICAN.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+  <a href="images/135b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/135b.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><i>David Quixano</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Walker Whiteside</span>)
+to <i>Herr Pappelmeister</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Clifton Alderson</span>).
+"I cannot take a fee for playing in your
+orchestra. I am too Quixanotic to do a
+thing like that."</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">The Melting Pot</span>."</p>
+
+<p>It is impossible not to respect the
+earnestness of Mr. <span class="sc">Zangwill</span> when he
+treats of the persecution of his co-religionists
+in Russia, or their social
+exclusion in America. But when he
+appeals to an English audience he is
+addressing the converted. It is a good
+many years since the pogram was a
+popular form of amusement in this
+country, and at present the Jew is the
+flattered idol of English Society. It
+may seem surprising that his play
+should have had so great a success in
+the States, where they are not supposed
+to have a passion for hearing home
+truths. But then its main theme is
+the glorification of America as the
+Melting Pot or crucible into which are
+flung the wrongs and hatreds and
+slaveries of the old world, to re-appear
+in the shape of justice and love and
+freedom. This is the theme upon
+which <i>David Quixano</i>, a Kishineff
+Jew who has lost all his family in a
+massacre, goes from time to time into
+an orgy of lyrical raptures. And indeed
+the swiftness with which the naturalised
+immigrant, of just any nationality,
+assimilates himself to local conditions,
+instantly changing his heart with his
+change of sky, and learning to wave
+his stars and stripes with the best of
+the native-born, must seem miraculous
+to the ordinary patriot. And here we
+touch the weak spot in Mr. <span class="sc">Zangwill's</span>
+p&aelig;an of the Melting Pot. For those
+who migrate to America for the sake
+of its democratic freedom are the few;
+and those who go there for the sake
+of its dollars are the many; and into
+the Melting Pot&mdash;or, to use an image
+more apposite to indigenous tastes, its
+Sausage Machine&mdash;are thrown not only
+the wrongs and hatreds of unhappy
+races but also the dear traditions of
+birth and blood and family ties and
+pride of country, to emerge in a uniform
+pattern without a past.</p>
+
+<p>For his plot, Mr. <span class="sc">Zangwill</span> relies
+upon a very stagy coincidence. <i>Quixano</i>
+falls in love with a young Russian girl
+who conducts a Settlement Home in
+New York, and conquers her prejudice
+against his race, only to find that she is
+the daughter of the very officer who
+permitted the massacre at Kishineff in
+which <i>Quixano's</i> family had perished,
+and himself been wounded. In turn
+he naturally has his own prejudices to
+conquer, and does so. But not till he
+has scared us with the fear that he is
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span>
+going to be false to his theory of purification
+by process of the Melting Pot.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Walker Whiteside</span>, who plays
+the part, was excellent in his quiet moods,
+and when he was obliged to rant was no
+worse than other ranters. The superb
+solidity of Mr. <span class="sc">Sass</span> as the Russian
+officer served as an admirable foil to the
+mercurial methods of <i>Quixano</i>. Miss
+<span class="sc">Phyllis Relph</span> as the heroine mitigated
+the effect of her obvious sincerity
+by a bad trick of showing her nice
+teeth. Mr. <span class="sc">Perceval Clark</span>, as a
+young American millionaire, was pleasantly
+British. Humorous relief of a
+cosmopolitan order was provided by
+the Irish brogue of Miss <span class="sc">O'Connor</span>;
+the broken English of Miss <span class="sc">Gillian
+Scaife</span>; the Anglo-German of Mr. <span class="sc">Clifton
+Alderson</span> who played very well
+as <i>Herr Pappelmeister</i> (Kapellmeister
+to a New York orchestra); and what I
+took to be the Yiddish of Miss <span class="sc">Inez
+Bensusan</span> as the aunt of the hero, a
+pathetic figure of an old lady with firm
+views about the keeping of the Jewish
+Sabbath, and a pedantic habit of
+celebrating with a false nose and other
+marks of hilarity the anniversary of
+the escape of the Chosen People from
+a Persian pogram twenty-five centuries
+ago.</p>
+
+<p>It might seem from this long catalogue
+of humorists that frivolity was
+the prevailing note of the play. But I
+can give assurances that this was not so.
+The prevailing note was a high seriousness,
+culminating in the last Act, when
+tedium supervened. I attribute my
+final depression in part to the scene&mdash;a
+bird's-eye view of New York from the
+roof-garden of the Settlement House.
+It was impossible to share <i>Quixano's</i>
+spasm of exaltation in the matter of the
+Melting Pot as he gazed on this very
+indifferent example of scenic art.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">"A Midsummer Night's Dream."</span></p>
+
+<p>I am not sure that Mr. <span class="sc">Granville
+Barker's</span> faithful followers are being
+quite kindly entreated by him. He
+happens to have a keen sense of humour
+and for some little while he has been
+trying, with a very grave face, to see
+how much they will swallow. This
+time, everybody else except the initiated
+can see the bulge in his cheek where
+his tongue comes.</p>
+
+<p>The alleged faults of the old school,
+which the new was to correct, were
+(1) an over-elaboration of detail in the
+setting; (2) a realism which challenged
+reality. ("Challenge," I understand, is
+the catch-word they use.) Both these
+qualities were supposed to distract
+attention from the drama itself. The
+answer, almost too obvious to be worth
+stating, is that the grotesque and the
+eccentric are vastly more distracting
+than the elaborate; and that, if you
+only sound the loud symbol loud
+enough the audience has no ear left at
+all for the actual words. As for the
+"challenging" of reality the new school
+would argue that, as the stage is a thing
+of convention to start with&mdash;artificial
+light, no natural atmosphere or perspective,
+no fourth wall, and so on&mdash;all
+the rest should be convention too. The
+answer, again almost too obvious, is
+that, since the audience has to bear
+the strain of unavoidable convention,
+you should not wantonly add to their
+worry. And, anyhow, the human
+figures on your stage (I leave out
+fairies and superhumans for the moment)
+are bound to challenge reality
+by the fact that they are alive. If Mr.
+<span class="sc">Barker</span> wants to be consistent (and he
+would probably repudiate so Philistine
+a suggestion) his figures should be
+marionettes worked by strings; and
+for words&mdash;if you <i>must</i> have words&mdash;he
+might himself read the text from a
+corner of the top landing of his proscenium.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;">
+  <a href="images/136.png"><img width="100%" src="images/136.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><i>Hermia</i> (Miss <span class="sc">Laura Cowie</span>). "I upon this
+bank will rest my head."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>And the strange thing is that no one
+in the world has a nicer sense of the
+beauty of <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span> verse than
+Mr. <span class="sc">Barker</span>. Indeed he protests in his
+preface: "They (the fairies) must be not
+too startling.... <i>They mustn't warp
+your imagination&mdash;stepping too boldly
+between <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span> spirit and
+yours.</i>" (The italics are my own comment.)
+He is of course free, within
+limits, to choose his own convention
+about fairies, because we have never
+seen them, though some of us say we
+have. Mr. <span class="sc">Chesterton</span> naturally says
+they can be of any size; Mr. <span class="sc">Barker</span>
+says they can be of any age from little
+<i>Peaseblossom</i> and his young friends to
+hoary antiques with moustaches like
+ram's horns and beards trickling down
+to their knees. And as many as like it,
+and are not afraid of being poisoned,
+may have gilt faces that make them
+look like Hindoo idols with the
+miraculous gift of perspiration. But
+he should please remember that the
+play is not his own. It is, in point of
+fact, <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span>, and I am certain
+he was not properly consulted about the
+Orientalisation of the fairies out of his
+Warwickshire woodlands. You will be
+told that he <i>has</i> been properly consulted;
+that he himself makes <i>Titania</i>
+say that <i>Oberon</i> has "come from the
+furthest steppe of India," and that she
+too had breathed "the spiced Indian
+air." But on the same authority Mr.
+<span class="sc">Barker</span> might just as well have fixed
+on Asia Minor or Greece as their provenance.
+She charges <i>Oberon</i> with
+knowing <i>Hippolyta</i> too well, and he
+accuses her of making <i>Theseus</i> break
+faith with a number of ladies. Clearly
+they were a travelling company and
+would never have confined themselves
+to the costumes of any particular clime.</p>
+
+<p>Anyhow, when at His Majesty's you
+saw <i>Oberon</i> in sylvan dress moving
+lightly through a wood that looked like
+a wood (and so left your mind free to
+listen to him), you could believe in all
+the lovely things he had to say; but
+when you saw Mr. <span class="sc">Barker's</span> <i>Oberon</i>
+standing stark, like a painted graven
+image, with yellow cheeks and red eyebrows,
+up against a symbolic painted
+cloth, and telling you that he knows a
+bank where the wild thyme blows, you
+know quite well that he knows nothing
+of the kind; and you don't believe a
+word of it.</p>
+
+<p>But, to leave <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> decently
+out of the question, I liked the gold
+dresses of the fairies enormously, so
+long as <i>Puck</i>&mdash;a sort of adult Struwel-Puck
+that got badly on my nerves&mdash;was
+not there, destroying every colour
+scheme with his shrieking scarlet suit,
+which went with nothing except a few
+vermilion eyebrows. I liked too the
+grace of their simple chain-dances on
+the green mound (English dances, you
+will note, and English tunes&mdash;not Indian).
+But in the last scene, where they
+interlace among the staring columns,
+their movements lacked space. Indeed
+that was the trouble all through; that,
+and the pitiless light that poured point-blank
+upon the stage from the 12.6
+muzzles protruding from the bulwarks
+of the dress-circle. There was no distance,
+no suggestion of the spirit-world,
+no sense of mystery (except in regard
+to Mr. <span class="sc">Barker's</span> intentions).</p>
+
+<p>The best scene was the haunt of
+<i>Titania</i>, with its background of Liberty
+curtains very cleverly disposed. As
+drapery they were excellent, but as
+symbols of a forest I found them a
+little arbitrary. I do not mind a forest
+being indicated, if you are short of
+foliage, by a couple of trees (in tubs, if
+you like) or even a single tree; but
+somehow&mdash;and the fault is probably
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span>
+mine&mdash;the spectacle of hanging drapery
+does not immediately suggest to me
+the idea of birds' nests. I am afraid I
+should be just as stupid if Mr. <span class="sc">Barker</span>
+gave me the same convention the other
+way round, and showed an interior
+with foliage to indicate window-curtains.</p>
+
+<p>The play itself, with its rather foolish
+figures from the Court and the easy
+buffoonery of its peasants, does not offer
+great chances of acting; and Miss
+<span class="sc">Laura Cowie</span> was the only one in the
+cast who added to her reputation. Her
+<i>Hermia</i> was a delightful performance
+full of charm and piquancy and real
+intelligence. Miss <span class="sc">Lillah McCarthy</span>
+sacrificed something of her personality
+to the exigences of a flaxen chevelure.
+Mr. <span class="sc">Holloway's</span> <i>Theseus</i> was wanting
+in kingliness, and his hunting scene
+was perhaps the worst thing in the play.
+He was not greatly helped by his
+<i>Hippolyta</i>, for Miss <span class="sc">Evelyn Hope</span>
+never began to look like a leader of
+Amazons. Miss <span class="sc">Christine Silver's</span>
+<i>Titania</i> had a certain domestic sweetness,
+but even a queen of fairies might
+be a little more queenly. Mr. <span class="sc">Dennis
+Neilson-Terry</span> as <i>Oberon</i> was a
+curiously effeminate figure for those
+who recalled the manly bearing of his
+mother in the same part. Of the two
+bemused Athenian lovers, Mr. <span class="sc">Swinley</span>,
+as <i>Lysander</i>, bore himself as bravely as
+could be expected.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Nigel Playfair</span> had, of course, no
+difficulty with the part of <i>Bottom</i>, and
+Mr. <span class="sc">Arthur Whitby's</span> <i>Quince</i> and
+Mr. <span class="sc">Quartermaine's</span> <i>Flute</i> were both
+excellent. It is to the credit of the whole
+troupe of rustic players that nobody
+tried to force the fun.</p>
+
+<p>Apart from a slight tendency to
+hurry, a trick that, except in swift
+dialogue or passionate speech, gives the
+effect of something learnt by heart and
+not spontaneous, the delivery of the
+lines&mdash;and some of <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span> most
+exquisite are here&mdash;was done soundly.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, no one who wants to keep
+level with the table-talk of the day
+should miss this interesting and intriguing
+production, especially if he hasn't
+been to <i>Parsifal</i>.</p>
+
+<p>O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>HOW TO GET YOUR PHOTOGRAPH INTO THE ILLUSTRATED DAILY PAPERS.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+  <a href="images/137a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137a.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">Be the only lady fireman In
+Yorkshire.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+  <a href="images/137b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137b.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">Or be the only wooden-legged
+roller-skater in Holland Park.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+  <a href="images/137c.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137c.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">Or be the double of some celebrity.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+  <a href="images/137d.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137d.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">Or become unexpectedly heir to
+a large fortune left by an uncle
+who emigrated to America at the
+age of six with half-a-crown, and
+lived to become the Hairpin King.
+It is usual in this case to be
+photographed just after you have
+realised that the fortune is in
+dollars, not pounds. Sometimes the
+lawyer who discovered you, and
+assisted you to establish your
+claim, is included in this photograph.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+  <a href="images/137e.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137e.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">Or make a musical instrument out of
+something else.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+  <a href="images/137f.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137f.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">Or you might be a foster-mother.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+  <a href="images/137g.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137g.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">Or you might, owing to lack of funds, sweep the chimney of
+the Sunday-school yourself.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+  <a href="images/137h.png"><img width="100%" src="images/137h.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">But, after all, the pleasantest way is to
+back the winner of a double and get
+&pound;40,000 to 5/-.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Over Mont Blanc by Aeroplane.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><i>"'Thou, too, hoar Mount! with they sky-pointing peaks,</i></p>
+<p><i>Oft from whose feet the avalanche, unheard,</i></p>
+<p><i>Shoots downward.'"</i>&mdash;<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Conquered, alas! and by one of they
+dratted flying machines.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Eastbourne.&mdash;Furnished double-fronted
+villa, from April, for six or twelve months;
+facing south; near the downs, fifteen months
+from pier, five from 'buses."&mdash;<i>The Lady.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Too near for us.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TO SEPTIMIUS ON TROUT.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>A February Ode.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>To-day the young year in her sleep was stirring</p>
+<p class="i4">In woods and hearts of men;</p>
+<p>To-night 'tis sharper and the cold's recurring&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Septimius, what then?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Draw in and talk of politics and speeches</p>
+<p class="i4">To the old tiresome tune?</p>
+<p>Not we who saw pale sunshine on the beeches</p>
+<p class="i4">Only this afternoon;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Who saw the snowdrops frail in woodland hollows,</p>
+<p class="i4">Who heard the building rooks</p>
+<p>Herald a time of flowers and skimming swallows,</p>
+<p class="i4">Green fields and brawling brooks!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Nay, pledge anew, Septimius, such gages</p>
+<p class="i4">Of May-time's radiant rout</p>
+<p>Till, as becometh fishermen and sages,</p>
+<p class="i4">Our talk shall trend to trout&mdash;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>To little trout, to little streams that scurry</p>
+<p class="i4">Where the hill curlews cry,</p>
+<p>O'er which the neophyte may splash and flurry,</p>
+<p class="i4">Yet heap his basket high;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>To careful trout, for pundits skilled and wary,</p>
+<p class="i4">That use upon the chalk,</p>
+<p>Plump and recondite, dubious and chary&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">On such shall turn our talk.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Then since we're of the Faithful, vowed to follow</p>
+<p class="i4">Old Thames's placid flow,</p>
+<p>We'll breathe of his leviathans that wallow,</p>
+<p class="i4">In bated tones and low;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And I mayhap shall say a word in token</p>
+<p class="i4">Of one prodigious friend</p>
+<p>Who lurks&mdash;excuse a statement more outspoken&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">'Twixt Marlow and Bourne End;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>While you, Septimius, set memory roaming</p>
+<p class="i4">To That which smashed amain</p>
+<p>Your trace of proof, and hint how some soft gloaming</p>
+<p class="i4">He yet shall come again.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>So shall we sit this firelit hour, contriving</p>
+<p class="i4">Blue halcyon days that hold</p>
+<p>The lisp of streams in crisping reed-beds striving,</p>
+<p class="i4">And meadows spun with gold.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Insurance business is ransacted."</p>
+
+<p><i>Quarterly Post Office Guide, p. 154.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The influence of Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>
+again.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>INTELLECTUAL DAMAGE TO ANIMALS.</h2>
+
+<p>We gather from <i>The Daily Sketch</i>
+that a reverend gentleman at Herne
+Bay has just founded the S. P. M. C. A.,
+or "Society for the Prevention of
+Mental Cruelty to Animals," and holds,
+as part of his propaganda, that the Zoo
+should be disbanded and abolished, and,
+in fact, that no wild animals or birds
+should be kept anywhere in captivity
+at all.</p>
+
+<p>The S. P. M. C. A. fills a long-felt want.
+Everyone with any sense of politeness
+or tact must recognise that it is grossly
+improper to wound the feelings of the
+lower orders of creation by the opprobrious
+use of such epithets as ass, donkey,
+cat, mule, pig, goose, monkey, and
+so on. Picture the mental torture and
+degradation undergone by the self-respecting
+rodent who overhears the
+contemptuous exclamation, "Rats!"
+Realise, if you can, the stigma attached
+to the hard-working order of garden
+annelids when, possibly in their very
+presence, one human being addresses
+another as a "worm"!</p>
+
+<p>Then, again, take the deplorable
+breaches of etiquette on the part of
+visitors at the Zoo. We ourselves
+have heard the most uncomplimentary
+allusions made to the appearance of
+the baboons and the hippopotamus, in
+the hearing of those unfortunate creatures,
+and quite regardless of their
+<i>amour propre</i>. The callous Cockney
+takes care to insult his helpless victims
+only when they are behind bars and
+cannot retaliate effectively. One shudders
+to think of the mental humiliation
+that is daily experienced by the warthog
+and the mandrill. And even the
+nobler animals&mdash;the lions and bears&mdash;are
+not allowed to escape without
+prejudicial comment, especially at feeding-time.
+Not the slightest deference
+is paid to the private opinions and
+sentiments of these carnivores by the
+vulgar crowd of sight-seers. The
+parrots alone can ease their harassed
+souls and have the last word with the
+passer-by.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile, we have to apologise to
+our cat for having recently upbraided
+him rather too freely for his nocturnal
+habits and general lack of discipline,
+not having considered the shock of
+such language to his sensitive mind.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Zig-zag.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Young lady requires secretarial work of
+any kind, good writer and correspondent,
+accustomed to literary work, or would write
+up Parish fashions."&mdash;<i>Daily Mail.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Smocks are no longer being worn. Sun-bonnets
+may be expected in a few
+months.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+  <a href="images/139.png"><img width="100%" src="images/139.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><i>Lady</i> (<i>in small Irish hotel</i>). <span class="sc">"Waiter,
+take away that bottle and put some clean water in it."</span></p>
+  <p><i>Waiter.</i> <span class="sc">"Faith, Mum, the wather's all right; 'tis the bottle
+that's dirty."</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>"Anyhow, I can remember this Court and can tell a tale
+it plays a part in, only not very quick." Thus Mr. <span class="sc">William
+De Morgan</span>, introductory, on the fourth page of his latest
+novel, When <i>Ghost meets Ghost</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>). Before it
+ends there have been as near nine hundred pages of it as
+makes no difference; and the things that the author remembers
+in the course of the tale, and the not-very-quickness
+with which he tells it, must be seen to be believed. The
+main outline of this more than leisurely plot is concerned
+with the coming together of two aged twin sisters, each of
+whom has been living for years in ignorance of the other's
+existence, so that they meet at last almost as ghosts.
+Hence the title. But you will not need to be told that
+there is ever so much more in the nine hundred pages than
+this. There are the children <i>Dave and Dolly</i>, for example;
+likewise <i>Uncle Mo'</i>, and any quantity of humble London
+types; not to mention the group that includes <i>Lady Gwen</i>,
+and <i>Adrian Torrens</i>, and a score of others, all drawn with
+that verbal Pre-Raphaelitism in which the author takes
+such obvious delight. For myself I must honestly confess
+that I have found it a little overwhelming; but that, after
+all, is a question of individual taste. I suppose there is one
+comparison that is inevitable. I had meant to say never
+a word about <span class="sc">Charles Dickens</span> in this notice, but, like the
+head of another <span class="sc">Charles</span>, it would come; and when the
+chief house in the story began to rumble and finally
+collapsed in a cloud of dust&mdash;well, could anyone help being
+reminded of how the same incident was handled by the
+master of such terrors? In brief, this latest De Morgan
+left me with a profound and increased respect for the author;
+some little envy for the reader whose time and taste enable
+him to enjoy it as it should be enjoyed; and, for proof-readers
+and reviewers, a very pure sympathy.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The <i>Duchess of Wrexe</i> (<span class="sc">Secker</span>) is, I think, the longest
+as it is certainly the most substantial novel that Mr. <span class="sc">Hugh
+Walpole</span> has yet given us. It is the work of one who
+has already made himself a force in modern fiction, and
+after this book will have more than ever to be reckoned
+with. Whether the reckoning will be to all tastes is
+another matter; I incline to think not. Four hundred
+closely printed pages, in which hardly anything happens to
+the bodies of the characters, but a great deal to their spirits&mdash;this
+perhaps is toughish meat for the ordinary devourer
+of fiction. But for the others this study of the passing of
+an epoch, the time of the Old Society, as symbolised by the
+figure of the <i>Duchess</i>, will be a delight. You might suppose
+from this (if you were unfamiliar with your author) that
+we had here a social comedy. Nothing in fact could be
+further from Mr. <span class="sc">Walpole's</span> design. For him, as for his
+characters, there is almost too haunting a sense of the
+tragedy of trivial things. No one in the book is happy.
+The <i>Duchess</i> herself, stern, aloof, terrible, broken but never
+bent by the oncoming of the New Order; the various
+members of the family whom she terrified; <i>Rachel</i>, the
+granddaughter, between whom and the old woman there
+exists the bond of one of those hatreds in which Mr.
+<span class="sc">Walpole</span> so exults; the secretary, <i>Lizzie Rand</i>&mdash;all of
+them are tremendously and miserably alive. I think the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page140" id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span>
+matter is that they have too much sensibility, of the modern
+kind. They see too many meanings. A primrose by a
+river's brim, or more probably in a flower-seller's basket, is
+not for them a simple primrose, but a portent of soul-shaking
+significance. To make up for this the author has
+gifted them with his own exquisite sense of colour and
+words, and especially a feeling for the beauty of London
+that at times almost reconciles them to life. But I could
+wish them merrier.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Harold Spender's</span> new novel, <i>One Man Returns</i>
+(<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>), opens with a very powerful and dramatic
+situation. Nothing in its way could be better than
+the description of the lonely <i>Trevena</i> family, of their vigil
+during the terrible storm, of the shipwreck and the sudden
+arrival of the two strangers, father and son, who are
+its only survivors. The father dies immediately without
+revealing his identity, and the son, slowly nursed back to
+health by the devoted care of <i>Enid Trevena</i>, resumes his
+life without any consciousness of the past, having forgotten
+even his own name. As
+a matter of fact he is
+<i>Cyril Oswald</i>, the lawful
+inheritor of Oswald Hall
+and great estates, which,
+of course, pass into the
+possession of the nearest
+villain. This is <i>Major
+Harley</i>, a gentleman of a
+lurid past and an infamous
+present, mitigated
+only by the fact that he
+has a beautiful and
+amiable daughter,
+<i>Dorothy</i>, who, having
+been educated at Roedean
+School, conceives herself
+to be qualified to run
+after beagles. In the
+natural course of things
+she sprains her ankle
+and is beloved by <i>Rupert
+Sandford</i>, the chief
+beagler of the novel. She
+then quarrels with her disgraceful parent, is adopted by <i>Mrs.
+Sandford</i> (mother to <i>Rupert</i>), and becomes the affianced bride
+of <i>Rupert</i>, though for a time she had been inclined to look
+with favour on <i>Cyril</i>. This young gentleman eventually
+recovers his estates by course of law and returns to Cornwall
+and <i>Enid</i> just in time to cut out that young lady from
+under the guns of <i>Merrifield</i>, a South African millionaire
+who had complicated the situation by providing <i>Cyril</i> with
+money for his law-suit. What happened to <i>Major Harley</i>
+is not stated, but I presume he must have drunk off the
+phial of poison which such desperate adventurers always
+carry concealed about their persons.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"The matrimonial career of suburban lovers," says Miss
+<span class="sc">Jessie Pope</span> in a prologue to <i>The Tracy Tubbses</i> (<span class="sc">Mills
+and Boon</span>), "is seldom variegated by so many curious
+happenings as fell to the lot of Mr. and Mrs. <i>Tracy Tubbs</i>;"
+and to this statement I can give my unqualified assent.
+No sooner were the <i>T. T.'s</i> married than they were beset by
+such wonderful and various misfortunes that I should like to
+try and "place" them. The Lion, I think, won in a canter,
+<i>Aunt Julia</i> was a bad second, and The Chafing-dish was
+third, while among the "also ran" were several Policemen,
+The Balloon, <i>Cross-eyed Cranstone</i> and The Motor-Bicycle.
+But whether the <i>T. T.'s</i> were nearly devoured by wild
+beasts or merely annoyed by aunts and chafing-dishes, they
+continued to embrace each other with magnificent heartiness
+whenever they had a moment to spare. In short,
+Miss <span class="sc">Pope's</span> high spirits never flag; and, even if you fail
+to be amused by all the incidents in the <i>T. T.'s</i> career, you
+will be glad to make the acquaintance&mdash;under a new aspect,
+for Miss <span class="sc">Pope's</span> talent as a maker of light verse is established&mdash;of
+a writer so unaffectedly cheerful and exhilarating.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"I cannot marry you or any man; <i>I am not free</i>," said
+<i>Polly Adair</i> to <i>Hemingway</i>, and the italics were her own.
+For my part, having been rather pointedly informed earlier
+in the story that the lady was understood in Zanzibar to
+be a widow, I began at this stage to suspect that there was
+something lacking in the lateness of <i>Mr. Adair</i>. This was
+a great pity, because <i>Polly</i> and <i>Hemingway</i> were obviously
+meant for each other, as she and he and I and Mr. <span class="sc">Richard
+Harding Davis</span> were unanimously agreed. But there the
+fatal obstacle was, whatever it might be. "I am not free,"
+she repeated, and again the italics were her very own.
+After much to-do, it came
+out that what she meant
+was that she had a
+brother who oughtn't to
+be free; ought, if justice
+were done, to be picking
+oakum or whatever else
+they pick in their leisure
+hours way back in U.S.A.
+And this was the whole
+and the sole fatal obstacle!
+<i>Hemingway</i> took it
+as it came; Mr. <span class="sc">Davis</span>
+seemed quite pleased
+about it; but I felt that
+I had been wantonly
+deceived. Baffle me by
+all means, said I, but do
+not lie to me. Maybe I
+was not in a good temper
+at the time, for the three
+preceding stories were
+not calculated to stir the
+gentlest reader's sympathies.
+Possibly I am not in a good temper now, for the
+three later stories (though "<i>The God of Coincidence</i>" only
+just missed fire) were not distracting enough to deaden my
+sense of injury. A pity, for <i>The Lost Road</i> (<span class="sc">Duckworth</span>)
+has such a good cover and the name of such a good author
+on the back of it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:80%;">
+  <a href="images/140.png"><img width="100%" src="images/140.png" alt=""/></a>
+  <p><span class="sc">As dress parades have become quite a feature of
+modern life, surely the restaurant offers a rich field of advertisement
+for the enterprising outfitter through the medium of waiters</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>Editorial Candour.</h3>
+
+<p>Notice in <i>Nash's Magazine</i> at the beginning of a new
+serial:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The theme of this story is a strange one handled with the consummate
+skill one expects from so clever a writer as Gouverneur
+Morris.... This story will stimulate your interest. It is quite
+different from anything Mr. Morris has previously written."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Cambridge.</p>
+
+<p>The appointment of Mr. W. W. Buckland, of Caius, to be Regius
+Professor of Civil War is in accordance with general expectation,
+though there were those who thought that the Government might go
+outside the circle of University teachers."&mdash;<i>The Record.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span> was surely indicated.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Canary Wanted</span>.&mdash;Young, intelligent bird wanted for training.
+For right bird, right price paid. Apply, with bird, Tuesday morning
+next, at 11 o'clock. M. D., Stage Door, Palladium, London, W.C."</p>
+
+<p><i>The Referee.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Dangerous, asking for the bird like that.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+146, February 18, 1914, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2277 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+February 18, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 18, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 11, 2007 [EBook #22576]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, David King, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 146.
+
+February 18, 1914
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"I come," said Mr. LLOYD GEORGE last week, "from a farming stock right
+down from the Flood. The first thing a farmer wants is to be secure." It
+was of course during the Flood that the insecurity of land tenure was
+most noticeable.
+
+    ***
+
+Lord CARRICK, who a few months ago was appearing in a sketch at the
+Coliseum, seconded the Address in the House of Lords. We are glad to
+note the growth of ties between Parliament and the Stage, and we are not
+without hope that before long a further link will be added in the person
+of SIR GEORGE ALEXANDER.
+
+    ***
+
+A new form of flying boat is being built in America, in which it is
+hoped that somebody may fly from Newfoundland to Ireland in fifteen
+hours. In the event of Home Rule, we trust, for the sake of the intrepid
+aviator, that a still fleeter flying boat will be designed for the
+return journey.
+
+    ***
+
+A resident of Waltham Abbey has just received a letter with a Waltham
+Cross post-mark on the back of the envelope dated February, 31, 1914. We
+understand that the recipient proposes to return the letter to the Post
+Office marked "Date unknown."
+
+    ***
+
+With reference to the Old Time Supper which is to be a feature of the
+Chelsea Arts Club Ball we are requested to state that it must not be
+taken that all the food offered for consumption on that occasion will
+bear the stamp of antiquity.
+
+    ***
+
+An enterprising publisher has, it is rumoured, persuaded no less a
+personage than Mr. LLOYD GEORGE to write some books for him, and we are
+promised at an early date, "Essays on Lamb (shorn)," "The Fortunes of
+Montrose," and other works of creative fancy.
+
+    ***
+
+"I was shaved yesterday by a highly intelligent young Pole," says a
+writer in _The Express_. The Barber's Pole is of course a very old
+institution.
+
+    ***
+
+"Old Masters--VELASQUEZ and so on--what are they?" said Mr. Justice EVE
+last week during a case dealing with pictures. "I should turn them into
+cash if they were mine." Seeing how often the old fellows painted EVE'S
+portrait, this _dictum_ of his Lordship strikes one as ungracious.
+
+    ***
+
+Messrs. BRYANT AND MAY have issued a brochure describing how little
+houses may be made out of matches. A companion volume, entitled "How to
+light them," by a Suffragette, may be expected shortly.
+
+    ***
+
+It is sometimes asked, Why do so few individuals when sentenced to death
+for murder take advantage of their right to appeal? The answer is,
+Because the Court of Criminal Appeal has the power of increasing a
+sentence.
+
+    ***
+
+    "Samuel, in the spirit of a notorious member of his race, one
+    Pontius Pilate, disavows all responsibility in the matter of the
+    shooting of Englishmen in the Transvaal."
+
+    _New Witness._
+
+_Mr. Punch_ (to Mr. SAMUEL) _Ave! Civis Romane!_
+
+    ***
+
+[Illustration: _Butler_ (_to new servant from the country_). "When
+you've quite finished cleaning next door's steps perhaps you would
+kindly begin on our own."]
+
+    ***
+
+    "BRIC-A-BRAC.--'My Somali Book' is a work by Captain Mosse, who
+    spent a considerable time in the country, which Sampson Low is
+    about to publish."--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+Modesty is all very well in its place, but to publish an area of over
+400,000 square miles and then call the feat "Bric-a-Brac"--well!
+
+    ***
+
+    "The full penalty of L20 and costs was imposed at Croydon
+    Borough Police-court upon Ernest Montefiore de Wilton, of St.
+    James's-street, W., for exceeding the ten-mile limit at Southend
+    on Jan. 25.
+
+    Burroughes & Watts' Billiard Tables for Speed."--_Daily
+    Telegraph._
+
+Mr. DE WILTON, reading the advertisement: "No, thanks. A really slow
+table for me."
+
+    ***
+
+THE STRIKE OF SCHOOL-TEACHERS.
+
+Sir,--Is the nation properly alive to the seriousness of the educational
+_impasse_ in Herefordshire? Personally I view with alarm the state of
+things of which that is a symptom.
+
+What will it mean if this sort of thing spreads, as I fear it may? We
+shall have the children of our working-classes growing up ill-educated
+and with imperfect manners. Their spelling will become phonetic. They
+will cease to speak grammatically. They will lose their pleasing accent.
+Their lack of instruction in arithmetic may even lead them into errors
+savouring of criminality. Worse, they will fall back in their
+appreciation of music, art and poetry. They will be reading trashy and
+sensational literature rather than the classical works to which our
+elementary education directs their tastes.
+
+To my mind, the condition of things is grave in the extreme, and for the
+sake of the children I beg the nation to wake up and put an end to
+conditions which make these strikes possible.
+
+Yours obediently,
+
+EDUCATIONAL REFORMER.
+
+
+Sir,--The most promising event of last week was the delightful strike of
+school-teachers in that beautiful county of Hereford. Happy children,
+thus to be freed from the shackles of our so-called education. They will
+now go to the only school worth learning in--the school of Mother
+Nature; and if only the strike will continue long enough we shall see in
+years to come poets and painters and musicians making a glad procession
+from their Herefordshire homes to carry light and joy into our dark
+places.
+
+Yours ecstatically,
+
+VAVASOUR PRINGLE.
+
+    ***
+
+    "The Bishop of Zanzibar (Dr. Weston) arrived at Charing-cross
+    from Paris yesterday afternoon.... He went to the House of
+    Charity, 1, Greek-street."--_The Times._
+
+And a very good address for him.
+
+    ***
+
+    "Shea, Blackburn Rovers' clever insight-right, scored all three
+    goals for the Football League against the Southern League at New
+    Cross."--_Westminster Gazette._
+
+Selection Committee's insight also right, evidently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GUESS WHO IT IS.
+
+From a Competition in _People of Position_ (with which are incorporated
+_West End Whispers and Mayfair Mysteries_). Prizes will be awarded to
+the three readers who are first, second, and third in guessing the
+identities of the greatest number of Society Personages indicated in the
+Guess Who It Is series of articles.
+
+First Prize, a copy of this year's _Debrett_. Second Prize, a copy of
+last year's _Debrett_. Third Prize, a bound volume of _People of
+Position_ (with which are incorporated _West-End Whispers and Mayfair
+Mysteries_.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+She is a woman who matters very much indeed. By birth and by marriage
+she belongs to two extremely ancient families, which were settled in
+Britain when it was entirely covered with forests and inhabited largely
+by wild beasts. But it is not any advantage of birth or of wealth that
+has made her the great social figure she is. It is her extraordinary
+charm and her arresting personality. She is not strictly beautiful, but
+her smile is peculiarly her own--a rare distinction in these days when
+there is so much that is artificial.
+
+She has the reputation of being one of the three best dressed women in
+Europe, and never wears anything, not even her boots, more than once.
+Her wit is positively brilliant, and in this connection it may be
+asserted once for all that it was she who first gave vogue to the
+greeting, "Doodledo," an abbreviated form of "How d'you do," though
+others have been given the credit for that sparkling pleasantry. In the
+art of "setting down" she is unapproachable, combining gentle courtesy
+with fine satire and mordant epigram, as on the occasion when a certain
+pushing and impossible outside person claimed her acquaintance in public
+with a loud "How are you?" With her own look and smile she turned and
+gave him his _coup de grace_--"Not any the better for seeing you!"--at
+which an exalted foreign Personage, who was chatting with her laughed so
+much that he fell into an apoplexy.
+
+She and her husband are sometimes at their beautiful place in
+Middleshire, and sometimes at their mansion in Belvenor Square. When
+they are not in England they are generally abroad. She is devoted to
+horse-riding, motoring, yachting, and ski-ing, but has not, like some of
+her set, forgotten how to walk. On the contrary, when in town she may
+occasionally be seen taking this old-fashioned form of exercise in the
+Park, placing one foot alternately before the other in her charmingly
+characteristic manner.
+
+She has once or twice, in a delightfully mischievous spirit, amused
+herself by flouting those very social ordinances of which she is an
+acknowledged high priestess. When wars, strikes, and Governments are
+forgotten, it will still be remembered how, some years ago when she was
+a few months younger than she is now, she appeared in her box at the
+opera on a MELBA (_and therefore a tiara_) night wearing a necklace of
+spar beads and a large ribbon bow on her head. An electric shock ran
+through the house; opera and singers were unheeded; and the beautiful
+Countess of ---- tore the family diamonds from her head and neck, and,
+with a shriek of despair, flung them into the orchestra.
+
+The subject of our article could have shone in any or all of the arts,
+had she cared to give her time and talents to them. Let it be said, too,
+that, though surrounded from her infancy with "all this world and all
+the glory of it," she has a serious side to her character, countenances
+the Church, and by no means discourages religion.
+
+It is widely known that she keeps a diary. Ah! if only that diary, in
+its dainty, morocco, gold-clasped volumes, could be abstracted from the
+wonderful mother-o'-pearl escritoire, carried out of the exquisite
+Renaissance boudoir, down the noble staircase and out of the massive
+hall-door, and, after the spelling, grammar and composition had been
+slightly overhauled, if it could but be published and given to the eager
+world, what an intellectual feast it would provide! And to the fair,
+gifted, high-born diarist what a fortune it would bring, and what a
+number of simply _absorbing_ libel cases!
+
+_GUESS WHO IT IS._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Daily Mail_ must be more careful with its posters. Here are two
+recent examples:--
+
+L2 A WEEK FOR LIFE.
+
+DRAMATIC END TO SACK CRIME TRIAL.
+
+L2 A WEEK FOR LIFE.
+
+COOLEST FRAUD ON RECORD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Lady Dorothy Wood, sister of the Earl of Onslow and wife of the
+    Hon. E. F. Wood, M.P., son and heir of Viscount Halifax, was the
+    recipient of birthday congratulations yesterday, when the Earl
+    of Erroll, of Slain's Castle, Aberdeenshire, completed his 62nd
+    year."--_Observer._
+
+The Earl of ERROLL'S turn for congratulations will come when Lady
+DOROTHY has a birthday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S PANTOMIME ANALYSIS.
+
+Now that the Pantomime season is drawing to a close and the intelligent
+student of this branch of Drama is tempted to pass it in review, it may
+be useful to him to have a list of possible Pantomimes drawn up in a
+tabulated form according to genus and species, that their finer
+distinctions, so easily overlooked, may be the better apprehended. _Mr.
+Punch_ has no hesitation in placing his nice erudition at the disposal
+of his readers.
+
+Pantomimes may be divided into those of a distinctly Oriental origin and
+_milieu_ and those which are either associated with Occidental
+localities or with none in particular. For convenience we may divide
+them broadly and loosely into Oriental and Non-Oriental Pantomimes. Very
+well, then.
+
+I.--Oriental.
+
+A. With a ship (_Sinbad the Sailor_).
+
+B. Without a ship.
+  (a) With a cave.
+    (1) Password to cave, "Open Sesame" (_The Forty Thieves_).
+    (2) Password to cave, "Abracadabra" (_Aladdin_).
+
+  (b) Without a cave (_Bluebeard_).
+
+II.--Non-Oriental.
+
+A. With a ship.
+  (a) With a cat (_Dick Whittington_).
+  (b) Without a cat (_Robinson Crusoe_).
+
+B. Without a ship.
+  (a) With a giant.
+    (1) With a cat (_Puss-in-Boots_).
+    (2) Without a cat.
+      (i.) With a bean-stalk (_Jack and the Beanstalk_).
+      (ii.) Without a beanstalk (_Jack the Giant-Killer_).
+
+  (b) Without a giant:
+    (1) With animals: sheep (_Bo-Peep_);
+        wolf (_Little Red Riding-Hood_);
+        goose (_Mother Goose_);
+        uncertain (_Beauty and the Beast_);
+        two children (_The Babes in the Wood_).
+
+    (2) Without animals.
+      (i.) With footgear: shoes (_Goody Two-Shoes_);
+           slippers (_Cinderella_).
+     (ii.) No particular footgear.
+       (a) With a "Jack" (_Jack and
+              Jill, Little Jack Horner, The House that Jack Built_).
+       (b) Without a "Jack" (The Sleeping Beauty).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Notice on a suite of furniture:--
+
+    "Monthly payments 12/6. They will last a lifetime."
+
+Help!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONE OF US--NOW.
+
+[Illustration: The Old Postmaster-General (_to the New
+Postmaster-General_). "THAT YOU, HOBHOUSE? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET
+THROUGH TO YOU ON THIS INFERNAL TELEPHONE FOR THE LAST HALF-HOUR. I WANT
+TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON BEING APPOINTED TO A DEPARTMENT WHICH I LEFT IN A
+STATE OF PERFECT EFFICIENCY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fair Yankee_ (_who, on her first visit to England, has
+been told how extremely obliging the London policeman is_). "Say, would
+you vurry kindly do up my shoe-string?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CINES" OF THE TIMES.
+
+(_A far-away Project of educational Films._)
+
+  O advent of the age of gold,
+    O happy day for proud papas
+  When Hellas shall her tale unfold
+    On secondary "cinemas"!
+
+  When "all the glory that was Greece
+    And all the grandeur that was Rome"
+  Shall hire on a perpetual lease
+    The academic "Picturedrome."
+
+  O OVID on the screen for kids!
+    O Helicon attained by 'bus!
+  O filmographic Aeneids!
+   O vitoscoped HERODOTUS!
+
+  Our boys shall note the sacred Nine
+    Ascending their immortal peak,
+  Also Apollo (he was fine
+    In the old films as _Alf the Freak_).
+
+  They shall behold TEIRESIAS
+    Telling the doom of Thebes, and con
+  With eyes but not with lips the crass
+    Way in which OEDIPUS went on.
+
+  They shall observe quite painlessly
+    The heroes toiling as they sit
+  Rowing upon the sun-kissed sea
+    With black smuts racing over it.
+
+  Some stout electroscopic "star,"
+    Some Gallic beauty bistre-eyed,
+  Shall show them in the years afar
+    How Helen laughed, how Priam died,
+
+  And how the good AENEAS came
+    Through faked adventures on the screen
+  To Latium, and what forks of flame
+    Devoured a dummy Punic queen.
+
+  What snares the Queen of Love employed,
+    What Juno: mixed with local ads,
+  These shall be thoroughly enjoyed
+    By all appreciative lads.
+
+  And some day, if the gods are kind
+    To hearts so filled with classic feats
+  In many a marble palace "cined"
+    And puffed so oft in halfpenny sheets,
+
+  Shall come revulsion, faintly stirred
+    By Phoebus' and the Muses' laugh,
+  Against the foul sins of a word
+    Like spectodrome or vitagraph.
+
+  Youth shall draw learning from the spring
+    Pierian, and be taught to know
+  The clustered verbal shames that cling
+    About the moving picture show,
+
+  Till at the last shall dawn a bright,
+    A long-to-be-remembered day,
+  When porticos of fanes of light
+    Shall print Kinema with a K.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "H.M.S. Cumberland.
+
+    Geneva, Tuesday.
+
+    The Municipality to-day gave a luncheon in honour of the
+    officers and cadets of the training ship Cumberland.--Reuter."
+
+    _Naval and Military Record._
+
+Another record for WINSTON. He alone could succeed in getting _H.M.S.
+Cumberland_ to Geneva.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Widcombe Manor, Bath, in which Fielding is said to have written
+    'Tom Jones,' is to come under the hammer shortly. It is one of
+    the smaller houses erected by Indigo Jones."
+
+    _Manchester Evening News._
+
+It was, of course, the influence of his ancestor Indigo which so tinged
+certain episodes in _Tom's_ career.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BAZAAR CUSHION.
+
+"Ha! Someone has been sitting on it," cried Father William, snatching a
+flattened object off the piano-stool in high irritation. "It's
+abominable, you know," turning to me. "There are any number of cushions.
+The house is stuffed with cushions. Why people should always pounce upon
+this one and manhandle it in this way"--He put it on the table and began
+punching and squeezing and puffing and smoothing it till it had expanded
+to its full extent. Then he flicked the dust off it with his
+handkerchief. "I'll put it back in its box under the sofa," he said. "I
+can't understand how it ever got out."
+
+He dropped into an armchair and instantly recovered his equanimity.
+
+"And why should they spare that one?" I asked.
+
+"That," said the old man solemnly, "is my bazaar cushion."
+
+"I thought it looked as if it had escaped from a bazaar," said I.
+
+"It came back only last night," he went on. "Are you a judge of
+cushions? How do you like it? Pretty nice piece of work, eh?"
+
+"Yes," said I cautiously. "Looks to me pretty well put together and all
+that; but it's rather--well, hideous, isn't it?"
+
+"Yes, yes," said Father William. "I suppose it's the colour you object
+to. I confess it's a bit of an eyesore. But of course it has to be like
+that. It's a case of protective colouring, you know."
+
+I didn't quite follow his line of thought and there was a short pause.
+"You would hardly think to look at it," the old man went on at last,
+"that that cushion has stood between me and all the trials and
+persecutions incidental to bazaars for nearly half a century. Perhaps
+the plague is not quite so bad as it was in the old days when I was in
+my first City parish, but I must say they were particularly active last
+summer. They have taken to holding them outside now, with Chinese
+lanterns, so that there is no close season at all. I had the wit at the
+very outset to see that the thing must be grappled with. They used to
+badger me in two separate ways. I was always expected to send some sort
+of contribution--and then I had to go and buy things. That was the worst
+of it. I used to dive about, harassed and pursued, searching in vain for
+the price of my freedom, always confronted by smoking-caps and
+impossible needlework. It was a fearful ordeal."
+
+"I know," said I, with sympathy. "I know all about it."
+
+"But I found a way out, thanks to my cushion. I bought it at a Sale of
+Work for Waifs and Strays nearly forty-seven years ago, and I think you
+will agree with me that it is a fairly good cushion yet. Of course it
+has been re-covered more than once. It was getting altogether too well
+known in Streatham at one time. It used to be blue with horrid little
+silver spangles."
+
+"And how does it work?"
+
+"It is beautifully simple. I am told that a bazaar is contemplated and
+asked if I will assist. Very well, I send my cushion. That is quite good
+enough; no one would expect me to do more. Then I go, on the appointed
+day, buy the cushion, and walk out with an enormous parcel for all the
+world to see that I have done my duty. Then it goes back in its box. The
+only bazaars that I am unable to assist are those which occur (as they
+sometimes do) when my cushion happens to be out."
+
+"And is it never sold?"
+
+"Well, _look_ at it!" said Father William. "Of course it had to be of
+such a nature that there was no danger of its going off too quick. I
+used always to go early on the first day to make sure. But since the
+last time it was re-covered I have had more confidence in its staying
+powers. I find there is no particular hurry."
+
+"Do you put a price on it?" I asked.
+
+"Oh, no. I don't like to do that. That might put me in an awkward
+position if it came out. But I find it fairly exciting on each occasion
+to discover what I shall have to pay for it. It is generally more
+expensive now than it used to be in the old days. I suppose it is the
+rise in the cost of living. But I am seldom satisfied, either way. If it
+is too cheap I naturally feel rather slighted, seeing that it was I who
+sent it; and if it is too dear of course I am annoyed because I have to
+buy it. And it fluctuates extraordinarily. I have more than once bought
+it in at half-a-crown and come home burning with indignation, and, if
+you will believe me, there was a blackguard at that big Sale of Work for
+the Territorials in the autumn who had the effrontery to charge me a
+guinea and a half. I was furious with him."
+
+"I wish you would lend it to me, Father William," said I, after a pause.
+"We are getting up a Jumble Sale in Little Sudbury."
+
+"No," said Father William firmly, "no. Little Sudbury is barred. The
+last time it was there on sale there was a very painful scene. I had
+arrived rather late, I remember, and I found my cushion actually being
+sold by auction along with a pair of worsted slippers and a woolly door
+mat--in one lot. I thought it showed very poor taste. Besides, it is
+already booked to appear six times in the next fortnight."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dear Old Lady._ "You have a picture in the window marked
+ten-and-six, by a Mr. Holbein. Could you tell me if that is an original
+painting or merely a print?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAROLD NAPPING.
+
+    "How stupid are the degenerate Tories who call this man [Mr.
+    LLOYD GEORGE] a demagogue."--_Mr. BEGBIE on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE in
+    "The Daily Chronicle," Feb. 5._
+
+    "He [Mr. Lloyd George] was, if you like, a demagogue."--_Mr.
+    BEGBIE on Mr. BALFOUR in "The Daily Chronicle," Feb. 7._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Duke of SUTHERLAND, we see, values the diamond-studded gold watch
+and chain, of which he has just been relieved by two desperate
+Neapolitans, at L60. But the real question is, would the CHANCELLOR OF
+THE EXCHEQUER accept that valuation?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Oh, Jockywock darling, you _must_ try and remember it's
+a tricycle, not a bicycle."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHEN BOSS EATS BOSS.
+
+According to the New York Correspondent of _The Daily Chronicle_, the
+publication of a letter from Mr. CROKER, formerly the great Tammany
+Chief, attacking his successor, Mr. MURPHY, has greatly strengthened the
+campaign for purifying the Administration.
+
+The recent meeting of the Statistical Society was rendered remarkable by
+a letter from Mr. LLOYD GEORGE who, in regretting his inability to be
+present, impressed upon the Society the need of upholding a vigorous and
+fastidious accuracy in the use of facts and figures. "To gain a
+momentary triumph over an antagonist in a public controversy by a
+misquotation, even though only a fraction is involved, is, in my
+opinion, an act which permanently disqualifies the offender from holding
+any place of responsibility." These golden words, so the President
+observed, ought to be engraved in indelible letters in every school in
+the kingdom.
+
+The dignified and telling rebuke recently addressed by Mr. BERNARD SHAW
+to Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON, for undue indulgence in paradoxical gymnastics,
+has given great satisfaction to the members of the Society for the
+Promotion of Simplified Thought. As the President of the Society, Dr.
+Pickering Phibbs, puts it, to have Mr. SHAW on the side of the angels is
+enough to make the Powers of Darkness throw up the sponge.
+
+Mr. KEIR HARDIE'S remarkable speech at Wolverhampton, when he declared
+that it was the duty of Labour to uphold the British Constitution, has
+profoundly impressed Mr. LARKIN and Mr. LANSBURY, who are of opinion
+that the stability of the British Empire is now assured for at least one
+hundred years.
+
+The publication of a letter from Mr. ROOSEVELT, censuring President
+WILSON for the prolixity and verbosity of his Presidential messages,
+will, it is believed, lend a powerful impetus to the campaign on behalf
+of brevity in public utterances.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "YOUNG LADY APPRENTICE WANTED--must be tall to learn all higher
+    branches of the trade."--_Advt. in_ (_our favourite news-paper_)
+    "_The Hairdressers Weekly Journal_."
+
+You want to be tall to reach up to the higher branches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+From an Aberdeen firm's advertisement:--
+
+    Success comes in Cans, not in Can'ts.
+
+    Once-a-year Clearance.
+
+    To-day and Following Days.
+
+    Wonder Values!
+
+    Stimulants to Encourage Purchasers.
+
+In the cans, we suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GOLF JUDGMENT.
+
+(_To the Editor of "Punch."_)
+
+Dear Sir,--As I am not at all satisfied with the recent decision of The
+Rules of Golf Committee on the position created by a cow carrying off a
+ball in her hoof, I appeal to you to arbitrate in the following dispute
+between myself and my friend A (for I am too courteous to expose his
+actual name).
+
+During some very wild weather we made an arrangement, before starting
+out, that, in the event of another storm coming on, the game should be
+decided by the score existing at the moment of our consequent
+retirement.
+
+A was in receipt of six bisques. I holed out the first in five. A, who
+was in well-deserved trouble all the way, holed out in ten. I remarked,
+"One up!" to which A made no response. As we moved off to the second tee
+there was a loud clap of thunder and the heavens burst over our heads. A
+at once shouted above the tumult, "I take my six bisques and claim the
+hole and the match." He then headed swiftly for the pavilion.
+
+I cannot believe that he was justified in his claim. What do _you_
+think?
+
+Yours faithfully, FAIR PLAY.
+
+_Editor's Decision._--The original arrangement was bad in Golf Law. The
+match is therefore off, and each party must pay his own costs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
+
+"Do you believe in magic?" Jack asked.
+
+I hedged.
+
+"Well, whether you do or not," he said, "I've got a rather rum story for
+you."
+
+"Go ahead," I replied.
+
+"Very well," he said. "It was on last Tuesday morning that I looked in
+at the watchmaker's to see if my watch was mended yet.
+
+"It was hanging up in the glass case above the bench where he worked,
+with my name on a little tab attached to the ring.
+
+"'No,' the man said, 'it's not done--in fact, I'm still observing it.'
+
+"'But it seems to be recording the time all right,' I said.
+
+"'Yes,' he replied--'seems, but it isn't. That's mere chance. Do you
+know, it's so fast that it's gained exactly twenty-four hours since you
+brought it in. That's not to-day's time it's registering, but
+to-morrow's. Leave it here another week, and I'll have got to the bottom
+of the mystery.'
+
+"At first I was disposed to do so; and then I had an idea.
+
+"'No,' I said, 'I'll take it.'
+
+"'But it's useless to you,' he replied.
+
+"'I'll take it," I said. 'Just for fun.'
+
+"He gave it me reluctantly and returned to his labours.
+
+"I walked away from the shop very thoughtfully. Here was a curious state
+of things. I and the rest of the world were living on Monday, February
+9th, while my watch was busily recording, a little too hurriedly, the
+progress of time on Tuesday, February 10th. To see into the future has
+ever been man's dearest wish, and here was I in possession of a little
+piece of machinery which actually was of the future and yet could tell
+none of its secrets.
+
+"But couldn't it? Couldn't I wrest one at least from it?--that was what
+worried me.
+
+"As I pondered, a newspaper boy passed me bearing the placard
+'Selections for Lingfield,' and in a flash I bought one. My watch knew
+who had won! How could I extract that information from it?"
+
+Jack paused.
+
+"Good heavens," I interpolated, "what an extraordinary situation!"
+
+"You may well say so," he said. "You see, if only I could share its
+knowledge, I should be rich for life; for it was now only a quarter to
+eleven, and the first race was not till one-fifty, and there was plenty
+of time to bet.
+
+"But----
+
+"I continued on my way deep in thought," Jack went on, "when whom should
+I meet but Lisburne? Lisburne is the most ingenious man I know.
+
+"'Come and advise me,' I said, and led him to a quiet corner.
+
+"'It's jolly interesting,' he remarked, when I had finished, 'but of
+course it's black arts, you know, and we've lost the key nowadays. Still
+we must try.'
+
+"We discussed the thing every way, in vain.
+
+"Then suddenly he said, 'Look here, this watch represents to-morrow.
+That means it is through the watch that we must work. Here, let's get
+to-day's _Mail_ and read it through the watch-glass and see if there's
+any difference?'
+
+"We got it and did so.
+
+"Lisburne removed the glass, found the racing news and read them through
+it. 'Good heavens!' he said, and turned white. 'Here, read this with
+your naked eye,' he said, pushing the paper before me.
+
+"I read 'Saturday's racing results: 1.30, Midas 1, Blair Hampton 2,
+Chessington 3,' and so on. 'Prices, Midas 6-4,' etc.
+
+"'Those are Saturday's results,' he said, shaking with excitement. 'But
+now read them through the watch-glass.'
+
+"I did so, and they immediately changed to Monday's results. I was
+reading to-morrow's paper!
+
+"'Look at the prices,' he cried.
+
+"'The prices! I hastily ran through them. They were splendid. "Captain
+Farrell 10-1, Woodpark 10-1, Flitting Light 4-1." And these horses,
+remember,' he said, 'are going to run this afternoon!'
+
+"'What's the next thing to be done?' I gasped.
+
+"'The bookies,' he replied.
+
+"'I suppose they're fair game,' I said.
+
+"'Of course,' he replied. 'The very fairest. But that's nothing to do
+with you, anyhow. You're in possession of magic and must employ it. They
+are the natural medium. How much can you muster?'
+
+"'I'd risk anything I could scrape up,' I said. 'Say L750. And you?'
+
+"'Oh, I'm broke,' he replied. 'How many bookies do you know?'
+
+"'Three,' I said.
+
+"'Well,' he replied, 'I know three more, and we can find men who know
+others, and who will bet for us. Because we must plant this out warily,
+you know, or they'll be suspicious.'
+
+"'Will you take it in hand,' I asked, 'leaving me L150 for my own
+commissioners?'
+
+"'Of course,' he said, 'if you'll give me ten per cent.;' and having
+copied out all the longer-priced winners through the watch-glass he
+hurried off, promising to meet me at lunch.
+
+"How to get through the intervening time was now the question. First I
+went to the telegraph office, and then to the barber's to have my hair
+cut. Forcibly to be kept in a chair was what I needed. The hair-cut took
+only half-an-hour; so I was shaved; then I was shampooed; then I was
+massaged; then I was manicured. I should have been pedicured, but the
+clock mercifully said lunch-time.
+
+"Lisburne was there in a state of fever. He had distributed the L600
+among fourteen different commission agents.
+
+"'Now we can have lunch,' he said, 'with easy minds.'
+
+"Easy!
+
+"'But suppose the whole thing is a fizzle,' I said. 'We've been far too
+impetuous. Impulse was always my ruin.'
+
+"'Oh no,' he said.
+
+"'But if it's a fizzle,' I said, 'what about my L750?'
+
+"'It won't be,' he replied. 'It's magic. Let's order something to eat.'
+
+"He ate; that is the advantage of being on ten per cent. commission. I
+couldn't."
+
+Jack paused.
+
+"Go on," I said. "Did the horses win?"
+
+"Every one," he replied.
+
+"At those prices?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then you're frightfully rich?"
+
+"No," he said.
+
+"Why ever not? Surely the bookies haven't refused to pay?"
+
+"Oh no."
+
+"Then why aren't you rich?"
+
+"Because I did the usual silly thing--I woke up."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Cafe Chantant.
+
+    To the Editor of 'The Evening Post.'
+
+    Sir,--In writing on the 4th February I omitted from the lists of
+    names of two of our kind helpers at the Cafe Chantant, Messrs.
+    Le Cheminant and the Victoria Dairy. Will you kindly allow me to
+    do so now. Yours faithfully, M. P. PIPON."
+
+    _"The Evening Post," Jersey._
+
+Apparently the Editor wouldn't!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Yesterday a metal-gilt chandelier, 5ft. high, with branches for
+    twenty-five lights, and numerous cut-glass pendants, fell at the
+    one bid of half a guinea. The purchaser, who was sitting under
+    it, seemed to be the most surprised person in the room."
+
+    _Daily Telegraph._
+
+If it fell on his head, we fear he must have been pained as well as
+surprised.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "N.B.--Welsh rarebit is most nourishing, and, with a plate of
+    soap, makes an excellent dinner." _Bombay Gazette._
+
+The soap, however nourishing, should be disguised; otherwise your guests
+will misunderstand you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Stewardess._ "We are just nearing the harbour, Madam.
+Would you like some hot water?"
+
+_Passenger_ (_faintly_). "It doesn't matter, thank you; I'm only going
+to relations."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS AND LIFE.
+
+Preparations are already on foot for the great banquet to be given in
+honour of the famous Russian novelist, Dr. Ladislas Plovskin, who is to
+visit England in July. A representative committee has been formed, which
+includes, amongst others, Sir GILBERT PARKER, Mr. CHARLES GARVICE, Mr.
+SILAS HOCKING, Mr. C. K. SHORTER, Lord DUNSANY, Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS and
+Mr. EDMUND GOSSE, who will take the chair at the banquet. There is a
+peculiar appropriateness in this, for it was Mr. GOSSE who, some ten
+years ago, first called attention to Plovskin in one of his masterly
+studies. Since then, Plovskin has gained the Nobel Prize and become the
+object of a special cult which has centres from Tomsk to Seattle, and
+from Popocatapetl to Oshkosh.
+
+The address which will be presented to the great Muscovite fictionist
+has been written by Mr. JAMES DOUGLAS, and is a masterpiece of sensitive
+and discriminating eulogy. Thus in one passage Mr. DOUGLAS says, "while
+preserving your own individuality with miraculous independence, you have
+summed up in your work all the inchoate influences to be found in HOMER,
+DANTE, SHAKSPEARE, VOLTAIRE and VERLAINE, and carried them to a pitch of
+divine effulgence only to be equalled in the godlike work of our
+marvellous MASEFIELD."
+
+Dr. Plovskin is no stranger to England, for he was an intimate friend of
+the late EDWARD LEAR, who alludes to him under the name of Ploffskin in
+one of his touching lyrics, and, as we have seen, he owes almost
+everything to the generous appreciation of Mr. GOSSE, to whom he has
+dedicated his last novel, which bears the fascinating title of _The Bad
+Egg_. Portions of this, it is to be hoped, will be recited at the
+banquet by the author's brother-in-law, Mr. Ossip Bobolinsky, Managing
+Director of the Anglo-Manchurian Steam Tar Company.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In smart intellectual circles Tagore Teas are now all the rage. At these
+elegant and up-to-date entertainments China tea is absolutely
+proscribed, the refreshments, solid and liquid, being exclusively of
+Indian origin. After tea the guests cantillate passages from the prose
+and poetry of the Great Indian Master to the accompaniment of gongs (the
+Sanskrit _tum-tum_) and one-stringed Afghan jamboons, for the space of
+two or three hours, when their engagements permit. Sometimes the reading
+is varied by mystical dances of a slow and solemn character, but all
+laughter, levity and exuberance are sedulously discountenanced, the aim
+of all present being to attain an attitude of serene and complacent
+ecstasy which enables them to invest utterances of the most perfect
+ineptitude with a portentous and pontifical significance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The advent to the episcopal bench of Dr. Russell Wakefield--the
+    only Anglican Bishop on record to wear a moustache with a
+    clean-shaven chin--does not appear to have aroused so much
+    comment as the appointment of Dr. Ryle to the See of Liverpool
+    in 1884. It was then said that the new prelate was the first
+    Anglican Bishop to wear a beard for over 200 years."--_The Daily
+    Chronicle._
+
+Dr. RUSSELL WAKEFIELD, of course, has not worn his moustache for a
+quarter of that time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a Hong Kong tradesman's circular:--
+
+    "EGGS! FRESH EGGS! AND TASTEFUL EGGS! FOR SALE.
+
+    These eggs are exceedingly pure and fresh, and can be proved by
+    looking at or breaking them. The yelk when boiled--smell sweet,
+    the white--glistened, relished, and favourable to health as
+    well.
+
+    TRY our taseeful eggs as their quality bears.
+
+    COME! COME! COME! AND TRY TO HAVE SOME."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Winter Sport_ (_looking at a magnificent view of
+the Alps_). "Not bad, that."
+
+_Second Winter Sport._ "Yes, it's all right; but you needn't rave about
+it like a bally poet."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HEN.
+
+  To-day it is not mine to sing
+  A lay of love, a song of Spring;
+  I tackle no uplifting thing
+      Of arms and men;
+  My muse is otherwise beguiled
+  To gentler themes and measures mild;
+  I sing of nature's artless child,
+      The common hen.
+
+  Little she has of lyric stuff;
+  Her bows, I grant, are merely bluff,
+  Her sternmost pile of windy fluff
+      Would leave one cool;
+  Yet never since the world was planned
+  Was aught more lofty and more grand
+  Regarded as a mother--and
+      Such an old fool.
+
+  In laying eggs is all her joy;
+  Its rapture never seems to cloy;
+  She knows no worthier employ
+      In life than this,
+  So to collect a fertile batch
+  Still young, still fresh enough to hatch,
+  And thus, by sterling effort, snatch
+      A mother's bliss.
+
+  But, though the futile one will lay
+  (When she's in form) an egg per day,
+  She always gives the fact away
+      With loud acclaim
+  That all the novel truth may know;
+  Whereby the unsleeping human foe
+  Derives a tip on where to go
+      To get the same.
+
+  It does not make her senses reel,
+  This mystery, or dim her zeal,
+  Till by degrees she seems to feel
+      Her broken lot;
+  She roams aloof, she grows depressed;
+  And then, her broody sorrow guessed,
+  Men lure her to a well-filled nest
+      And bid her squat.
+
+  And now behold her, warm and wide,
+  Her rounded form well satisfied,
+  Though even in her highest pride
+      She has no luck;
+  The offspring that she tends so well
+  Are probably of alien shell;
+  Indeed, for all that she can tell,
+      They may be duck.
+
+  Yes, one may grant that on the whole
+  She would not thrill the poet soul;
+  For, tho' she plays a decent _role_
+      Beyond all doubt,
+  Where mental qualities are lacked
+  We find but little to attract;
+  She does not make, in point of fact,
+      The heart go out.
+
+  But see her when some danger lies
+  O'er her young brood, and, with wild eyes,
+  Straight at the sudden foe she flies,
+      Her full soul spurred
+  To battle with the gnashing beak--
+  A roaring tiger is more meek;
+  And somehow one is bound to speak
+      Well of the bird.
+
+DUM-DUM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the "Found" column in _The Standard_:--
+
+    "Fox Skin Fur, on Hog's Back."
+
+The last place where you would look for it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Natal first innings--Barnes, 5 wickets for 44 runs; Rolf, 4 for
+    59; Woolley, 6 for 6; Douglas, 8 for 8; Hearne, none for 15;
+    Bird, 1 for 9.--P.A. Foreign Special Telegram."
+
+    _Glasgow Herald._
+
+And yet Natal won.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MISSING WORD.
+
+[Illustration: The "Premier" Parrot (_emerging from profound thought_).
+"EX----EX----EX----EX----"
+
+John Bull. "LOOK HERE, HERBERT, IF YOU'RE _GOING_ TO SAY 'EXCLUSION,'
+FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE _SAY_ IT AND GET IT OVER!" [_Parrot relapses into
+profound thought_.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday, February_ 10.--Odd to find proceedings in
+House to-day reminiscent of incident in a famous trial. Occasion
+recognised as supremely momentous. Marks, within defined limit of time,
+crisis of bitter controversy. Before Session closes fate of Ireland and
+of the Ministry will be settled. PREMIER'S speech awaited with gravest
+anxiety. Lobby thronged with animated groups. Before four o'clock--when
+SPEAKER returned to Chair elate with consciousness of singular foresight
+in having "for greater accuracy" possessed himself of copy of KING'S
+Speech, presently read to expectant Members, most of whom heard it
+delivered from the Throne two hours earlier--stream of humanity flooded
+House, filling every seat and crowding Bar.
+
+It was at preliminary gathering that case of _Bardell_ v. _Pickwick_ was
+recalled. House awaiting arrival of Black Rod with summons to repair to
+gilded Chamber. Message delivered, SPEAKER, escorted by SERJEANT-AT-ARMS
+carrying Mace, marches off. From Treasury Bench and from Front Bench
+opposite, Leader of House and Leader of Opposition simultaneously rise
+and fall in. Other Ministers and ex-Ministers with mob of Members
+complete procession.
+
+When PREMIER and BONNER LAW met they heartily shook hands. CAPTAIN CRAIG
+and MOORE (of Armagh) looked at each other in pained surprise.
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Pickwick_ (Captain Craig) regards with abhorrence
+the exchange of salutations between _Serjeant Buzfuz_ (Mr. Asquith) and
+his own counsel, _Serjeant Snubbin_ (Mr. Bonar Law).]
+
+Here was the touch of nature that makes the whole world kin. When seated
+in court awaiting opening of trial, _Mr. Pickwick_ observed a learned
+serjeant-at-law make friendly salutation to his own counsel.
+
+"Who's that red-faced man who said it was a fine morning, and nodded to
+our counsel?" he whispered to his solicitor.
+
+"Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz," was the reply. "He's opposed to us; he leads on
+the other side."
+
+_Mr. Pickwick_, it is recorded, regarded with great abhorrence the
+cold-blooded villainy of a man who, as counsel for the opposite party,
+presumed to tell _Mr. Serjeant Snubbin_, who was counsel for him, that
+it was a fine morning.
+
+Thus MOORE (of Armagh) and the COURAGEOUS CRAIG. Here were the
+contending forces set in battle array, and the first thing they behold
+is their Captain shaking hands with the commander of the enemy! An
+ominous beginning, they agreed, well calculated to depress the spirits
+of men who mean business.
+
+It proved emblematical of what followed. Expected that stupendous
+occasion would be marked by dramatic scenes, possibly by outbreak of
+disorder. Nothing of that kind happened. Scene was indeed impressive by
+reason of Chamber being crowded from floor to topmost bench of
+Strangers' Gallery. Also, whilst PREMIER in unusually low-spoken,
+comparatively halting voice, delivered critical passages of his speech,
+there was movement marking intense interest. Multitude on floor of House
+bent forward to catch the murmured syllables. Members crowding the side
+galleries stood up in same anxious quest.
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. John Burns_ (_holding list of the four new
+appointments to Government Departments, including his own to the Board
+of Trade_). "Excellent choices!--with perhaps the exception of Samuel,
+Hobhouse and Masterman."]
+
+Otherwise the accustomed signs and tokens of Parliamentary crisis were
+conspicuously lacking. WALTER LONG, whose return to fighting-line after
+bout of illness was warmly welcomed on both sides, pitched the opening
+note a little low. Not fierce enough to gratify Ulster, he
+correspondingly failed to irritate the Home Rulers.
+
+As for PREMIER, his part, adroitly played, was to appear to be saying a
+good deal without committing himself to definite pledges. Above all, not
+to inflame controversy. He brought with him unusually copious notes, but
+did not, as is his wont on such occasions, read from them the text of
+especially weighty passages. Spoke slowly, occasionally in a murmur,
+uttering his sentences as if deliberately weighing each word. Following
+WALTER LONG, he was received with prolonged cheers, testifying to
+personal popularity. When he sat down cheering was more polite than
+effusive.
+
+Irish Nationalists barely contributed even to this circumspect note of
+approval. Throughout nearly an hour's speech they sat in ominous
+silence, listening to passages in which they seemed to recognise
+disposition on part of PREMIER towards mood of _Benedick_, who, when he
+said he would die a bachelor, never thought he would live to be married.
+
+Had not PREMIER within the last twelve months frequently declared he
+would never consent to exclusion of Ulster from Home Rule Bill? And
+wasn't he now showing signs of disposition to surrender?
+
+_Business done._--Parliament reassembles. WALTER LONG, on behalf of
+Opposition, moves amendment to Address, calling upon Government to
+appeal to country before proceeding further with Home Rule Bill.
+
+_Wednesday._--Interest of sitting centred in speeches of CARSON and JOHN
+REDMOND. Former met with rousing reception from Opposition. Some
+Ministerialists would have liked to join in the demonstration, not
+because they share CARSON'S views or admire his policy, but because they
+instinctively feel admiration for a man of commanding position who has
+sacrificed personal and professional interests to what he regards as the
+well-being of his country. Esteem increased by merit of his speech. Only
+once did he lapse into tone and manner of personal attack familiar to
+House when Ulster Members and Nationalists, hating each other for love
+of their country, join in debate. Turning round to top bench below
+Gangway, where JOHN REDMOND sat attentive, he said: "If you want Ulster,
+come and take her, or come and win her. But you have never wanted her
+affections; you have wanted her taxes."
+
+This stung to the quick. REDMOND, leaping to his feet when CARSON
+resumed his seat, hotly denounced accusation as unworthy of his
+countryman.
+
+House already began to show signs of satiety. Long intervals when
+benches were empty. COUSIN HUGH, speaking at favourable hour of six
+o'clock, failed to attract an audience to whom he might present his
+cheering forecast of an interval of six weeks spent in listening to
+speeches of Members below the Gangway, "poked up by the CHANCELLOR OF
+THE EXCHEQUER to attack the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY." Benches
+crowded whilst CARSON and REDMOND spoke. Filled up again when CHANCELLOR
+OF EXCHEQUER in brief speech wound up debate on behalf of Government,
+and BONNER LAW, as usual unencumbered by notes, replied.
+
+_Business done._--Demand for immediate dissolution negatived by 333
+votes against 255. Opposition elate at reduced majority.
+
+"I fancy," said PREMIER, smiling serenely upon the WINSOME WINSTON,
+"they would gladly suffer from our complaint."
+
+_House of Lords, Thursday._--Noble Lords, having disposed of Address,
+already find themselves in condition of frozen-out gardeners who have no
+work to do. Session but a few days old has already afforded fresh sign
+of disposition to belittle hereditary Chamber.
+
+[Illustration: "Noble Lords already find themselves in condition of
+frozen-out gardeners who have no work to do."
+
+(Lord Curzon and Lord Lansdowne.)]
+
+It happened thus. On opening night Lord LONDONDERRY, making his way
+along Peers' Gallery in Commons, came upon extraordinary sight. A
+stranger on front seat overlooking sacred quarter allotted to Peers,
+finding himself incommoded by hat and overcoat, neatly folded up the
+latter, dropped it on the Peers' bench beneath and carefully placed his
+hat upon it. Hadn't LLOYD GEORGE demonstrated that the land belonged to
+the people? Here was undeveloped space. As a free man he claimed it for
+his own uses.
+
+LONDONDERRY, halting, angrily regarded the incumbrance. Turned about
+with evident intention of calling attendant's notice to unparalleled
+liberty. At that moment his eye fell on the countenance of the stranger.
+Could it be? Yes; it was the school proprietor whose patriotic offer of
+aid to Ulster in approaching civil war he had a few days earlier
+reported to an admiring nation. Letter offered to provide for two sons
+of any Ulster volunteer who fell in battle with the myrmidons of an
+iniquitous Ministry. As sometimes happens, pearl of the letter was
+hidden in the postscript. Writer explained that he could not very well
+go to the war himself but would send his partner.
+
+Recognition placed new aspect on little affair.>LONDONDERRY perceived it
+was simple ignorance of customs of the place that led to apparent
+indiscretion. So with genial nod passed on to seat over the clock.
+
+Few minutes later outraged attendant, catching sight of the bundle,
+peremptorily ordered its removal.
+
+_Business done._--By 243 votes against 55 Lords carried MIDDLETON'S
+amendment to Address demanding immediate dissolution. WILLOUGHBY DE
+BROKE communicated to the MEMBER FOR SARK his conviction that this
+hide-bound Government will take no notice of the mandate.
+
+"Reminds me," said the Bold Baron, brushing away a manly tear, "of a
+hymn I learned in the nursery:--
+
+  'Tis not enough to say
+    You're sorry and repent
+  If you go on in the same way
+    As you did always went.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER HAPPY ACCIDENT.
+
+(_From "The Daily Sale."_)
+
+_The Daily Sale_ has peculiar pleasure in announcing that another of its
+insured readers has been gravely injured by an accident to the taxi-cab,
+omnibus, train or tram, in (or on) which he was travelling at the time
+of the disaster. The name of this reader (whose portrait is given) is
+Mr. Vivian Brackendope, the well-known amateur actor of Burton-on-Beer.
+Mr. Vivian Brackendope is indeed a lucky man. He is the ninth of our
+readers to be badly smashed up during the past six weeks. Now, who will
+be the tenth? Fill up the coupon on page 2 and _you_ will be eligible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ADMIRABLE CRICHTON.
+
+    "In the list of successes in the Cambridge Local Examinations we
+    notice the name of P. T. Harris, of Wellingborough Grammar
+    School, who gained credit for himself and his school by passing
+    in every subject and gaining four distinctions, the distinctions
+    being gained in arithmetic, French, algebra, and Little Bowden
+    Pig Club."
+
+_Market Harborough Advertiser._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "COUNTRY LIFE: an Illustrated Journal for all interested in
+    Country Life and Country Pursuits, complete from its beginning
+    in 1897 to June 1906, _profusely illustrated with views of
+    ancient and modern seats, Country scenes, sporting incidents,
+    and portraits of winning horses, prize beasts, and fashionable
+    beauties."_
+
+    _Bookseller's List._
+
+An ungallant sequence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WISH IS FATHER TO THE THOUGHT.
+
+    "Then, after a last earnest statement of the Ulster position by
+    Mr. Gordon, the Chancellor of the Exchequer rose to wind up the
+    Government."--_Daily Telegraph._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ardent Young Lady Visitor_ (_who is being shown over
+author's sanctum_). "How perfectly _sweet_ it must be to have a room
+where one can work without being disturbed."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TYPICAL AMERICAN.
+
+[Illustration: _David Quixano_ (Mr. Walker Whiteside) to _Herr
+Pappelmeister_ (Mr. Clifton Alderson). "I cannot take a fee for playing
+in your orchestra. I am too Quixanotic to do a thing like that."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"The Melting Pot."
+
+It is impossible not to respect the earnestness of Mr. ZANGWILL when he
+treats of the persecution of his co-religionists in Russia, or their
+social exclusion in America. But when he appeals to an English audience
+he is addressing the converted. It is a good many years since the pogram
+was a popular form of amusement in this country, and at present the Jew
+is the flattered idol of English Society. It may seem surprising that
+his play should have had so great a success in the States, where they
+are not supposed to have a passion for hearing home truths. But then its
+main theme is the glorification of America as the Melting Pot or
+crucible into which are flung the wrongs and hatreds and slaveries of
+the old world, to re-appear in the shape of justice and love and
+freedom. This is the theme upon which _David Quixano_, a Kishineff Jew
+who has lost all his family in a massacre, goes from time to time into
+an orgy of lyrical raptures. And indeed the swiftness with which the
+naturalised immigrant, of just any nationality, assimilates himself to
+local conditions, instantly changing his heart with his change of sky,
+and learning to wave his stars and stripes with the best of the
+native-born, must seem miraculous to the ordinary patriot. And here we
+touch the weak spot in Mr. ZANGWILL'S paean of the Melting Pot. For those
+who migrate to America for the sake of its democratic freedom are the
+few; and those who go there for the sake of its dollars are the many;
+and into the Melting Pot--or, to use an image more apposite to
+indigenous tastes, its Sausage Machine--are thrown not only the wrongs
+and hatreds of unhappy races but also the dear traditions of birth and
+blood and family ties and pride of country, to emerge in a uniform
+pattern without a past.
+
+For his plot, Mr. ZANGWILL relies upon a very stagy coincidence.
+_Quixano_ falls in love with a young Russian girl who conducts a
+Settlement Home in New York, and conquers her prejudice against his
+race, only to find that she is the daughter of the very officer who
+permitted the massacre at Kishineff in which _Quixano's_ family had
+perished, and himself been wounded. In turn he naturally has his own
+prejudices to conquer, and does so. But not till he has scared us with
+the fear that he is going to be false to his theory of purification by
+process of the Melting Pot.
+
+Mr. WALKER WHITESIDE, who plays the part, was excellent in his quiet
+moods, and when he was obliged to rant was no worse than other ranters.
+The superb solidity of Mr. SASS as the Russian officer served as an
+admirable foil to the mercurial methods of _Quixano_. Miss PHYLLIS RELPH
+as the heroine mitigated the effect of her obvious sincerity by a bad
+trick of showing her nice teeth. Mr. PERCEVAL CLARK, as a young American
+millionaire, was pleasantly British. Humorous relief of a cosmopolitan
+order was provided by the Irish brogue of Miss O'CONNOR; the broken
+English of Miss GILLIAN SCAIFE; the Anglo-German of Mr. CLIFTON ALDERSON
+who played very well as _Herr Pappelmeister_ (Kapellmeister to a New
+York orchestra); and what I took to be the Yiddish of Miss INEZ BENSUSAN
+as the aunt of the hero, a pathetic figure of an old lady with firm
+views about the keeping of the Jewish Sabbath, and a pedantic habit of
+celebrating with a false nose and other marks of hilarity the
+anniversary of the escape of the Chosen People from a Persian pogram
+twenty-five centuries ago.
+
+It might seem from this long catalogue of humorists that frivolity was
+the prevailing note of the play. But I can give assurances that this was
+not so. The prevailing note was a high seriousness, culminating in the
+last Act, when tedium supervened. I attribute my final depression in
+part to the scene--a bird's-eye view of New York from the roof-garden of
+the Settlement House. It was impossible to share _Quixano's_ spasm of
+exaltation in the matter of the Melting Pot as he gazed on this very
+indifferent example of scenic art.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A Midsummer Night's Dream."
+
+I am not sure that Mr. GRANVILLE BARKER'S faithful followers are being
+quite kindly entreated by him. He happens to have a keen sense of humour
+and for some little while he has been trying, with a very grave face, to
+see how much they will swallow. This time, everybody else except the
+initiated can see the bulge in his cheek where his tongue comes.
+
+The alleged faults of the old school, which the new was to correct, were
+(1) an over-elaboration of detail in the setting; (2) a realism which
+challenged reality. ("Challenge," I understand, is the catch-word they
+use.) Both these qualities were supposed to distract attention from the
+drama itself. The answer, almost too obvious to be worth stating, is
+that the grotesque and the eccentric are vastly more distracting than
+the elaborate; and that, if you only sound the loud symbol loud enough
+the audience has no ear left at all for the actual words. As for the
+"challenging" of reality the new school would argue that, as the stage
+is a thing of convention to start with--artificial light, no natural
+atmosphere or perspective, no fourth wall, and so on--all the rest
+should be convention too. The answer, again almost too obvious, is that,
+since the audience has to bear the strain of unavoidable convention, you
+should not wantonly add to their worry. And, anyhow, the human figures
+on your stage (I leave out fairies and superhumans for the moment) are
+bound to challenge reality by the fact that they are alive. If Mr.
+BARKER wants to be consistent (and he would probably repudiate so
+Philistine a suggestion) his figures should be marionettes worked by
+strings; and for words--if you _must_ have words--he might himself read
+the text from a corner of the top landing of his proscenium.
+
+[Illustration: _Hermia_ (Miss Laura Cowie). "I upon this bank will rest
+my head."]
+
+And the strange thing is that no one in the world has a nicer sense of
+the beauty of SHAKSPEARE'S verse than Mr. BARKER. Indeed he protests in
+his preface: "They (the fairies) must be not too startling.... _They
+mustn't warp your imagination--stepping too boldly between SHAKSPEARE'S
+spirit and yours._" (The italics are my own comment.) He is of course
+free, within limits, to choose his own convention about fairies, because
+we have never seen them, though some of us say we have. Mr. CHESTERTON
+naturally says they can be of any size; Mr. BARKER says they can be of
+any age from little _Peaseblossom_ and his young friends to hoary
+antiques with moustaches like ram's horns and beards trickling down to
+their knees. And as many as like it, and are not afraid of being
+poisoned, may have gilt faces that make them look like Hindoo idols with
+the miraculous gift of perspiration. But he should please remember that
+the play is not his own. It is, in point of fact, SHAKSPEARE'S, and I am
+certain he was not properly consulted about the Orientalisation of the
+fairies out of his Warwickshire woodlands. You will be told that he
+_has_ been properly consulted; that he himself makes _Titania_ say that
+_Oberon_ has "come from the furthest steppe of India," and that she too
+had breathed "the spiced Indian air." But on the same authority Mr.
+BARKER might just as well have fixed on Asia Minor or Greece as their
+provenance. She charges _Oberon_ with knowing _Hippolyta_ too well, and
+he accuses her of making _Theseus_ break faith with a number of ladies.
+Clearly they were a travelling company and would never have confined
+themselves to the costumes of any particular clime.
+
+Anyhow, when at His Majesty's you saw _Oberon_ in sylvan dress moving
+lightly through a wood that looked like a wood (and so left your mind
+free to listen to him), you could believe in all the lovely things he
+had to say; but when you saw Mr. BARKER'S _Oberon_ standing stark, like
+a painted graven image, with yellow cheeks and red eyebrows, up against
+a symbolic painted cloth, and telling you that he knows a bank where the
+wild thyme blows, you know quite well that he knows nothing of the kind;
+and you don't believe a word of it.
+
+But, to leave SHAKSPEARE decently out of the question, I liked the gold
+dresses of the fairies enormously, so long as _Puck_--a sort of adult
+Struwel-Puck that got badly on my nerves--was not there, destroying
+every colour scheme with his shrieking scarlet suit, which went with
+nothing except a few vermilion eyebrows. I liked too the grace of their
+simple chain-dances on the green mound (English dances, you will note,
+and English tunes--not Indian). But in the last scene, where they
+interlace among the staring columns, their movements lacked space.
+Indeed that was the trouble all through; that, and the pitiless light
+that poured point-blank upon the stage from the 12.6 muzzles protruding
+from the bulwarks of the dress-circle. There was no distance, no
+suggestion of the spirit-world, no sense of mystery (except in regard to
+Mr. BARKER'S intentions).
+
+The best scene was the haunt of _Titania_, with its background of
+Liberty curtains very cleverly disposed. As drapery they were excellent,
+but as symbols of a forest I found them a little arbitrary. I do not
+mind a forest being indicated, if you are short of foliage, by a couple
+of trees (in tubs, if you like) or even a single tree; but somehow--and
+the fault is probably mine--the spectacle of hanging drapery does not
+immediately suggest to me the idea of birds' nests. I am afraid I should
+be just as stupid if Mr. BARKER gave me the same convention the other
+way round, and showed an interior with foliage to indicate
+window-curtains.
+
+The play itself, with its rather foolish figures from the Court and the
+easy buffoonery of its peasants, does not offer great chances of acting;
+and Miss LAURA COWIE was the only one in the cast who added to her
+reputation. Her _Hermia_ was a delightful performance full of charm and
+piquancy and real intelligence. Miss LILLAH MCCARTHY sacrificed
+something of her personality to the exigences of a flaxen chevelure. Mr.
+HOLLOWAY'S _Theseus_ was wanting in kingliness, and his hunting scene
+was perhaps the worst thing in the play. He was not greatly helped by
+his _Hippolyta_, for Miss EVELYN HOPE never began to look like a leader
+of Amazons. Miss CHRISTINE SILVER'S _Titania_ had a certain domestic
+sweetness, but even a queen of fairies might be a little more queenly.
+Mr. DENNIS NEILSON-TERRY as _Oberon_ was a curiously effeminate figure
+for those who recalled the manly bearing of his mother in the same part.
+Of the two bemused Athenian lovers, Mr. SWINLEY, as _Lysander_, bore
+himself as bravely as could be expected.
+
+Mr. NIGEL PLAYFAIR had, of course, no difficulty with the part of
+_Bottom_, and Mr. ARTHUR WHITBY'S _Quince_ and Mr. QUARTERMAINE'S
+_Flute_ were both excellent. It is to the credit of the whole troupe of
+rustic players that nobody tried to force the fun.
+
+Apart from a slight tendency to hurry, a trick that, except in swift
+dialogue or passionate speech, gives the effect of something learnt by
+heart and not spontaneous, the delivery of the lines--and some of
+SHAKSPEARE'S most exquisite are here--was done soundly.
+
+Finally, no one who wants to keep level with the table-talk of the day
+should miss this interesting and intriguing production, especially if he
+hasn't been to _Parsifal_.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO GET YOUR PHOTOGRAPH INTO THE ILLUSTRATED DAILY PAPERS.
+
+[Illustration: Be the only lady fireman In Yorkshire.]
+
+[Illustration: Or be the only wooden-legged roller-skater in Holland
+Park.]
+
+[Illustration: Or be the double of some celebrity.]
+
+[Illustration: Or become unexpectedly heir to a large fortune left by an
+uncle who emigrated to America at the age of six with half-a-crown, and
+lived to become the Hairpin King. It is usual in this case to be
+photographed just after you have realised that the fortune is in
+dollars, not pounds. Sometimes the lawyer who discovered you, and
+assisted you to establish your claim, is included in this photograph.]
+
+[Illustration: Or make a musical instrument out of something else.]
+
+[Illustration: Or you might be a foster-mother.]
+
+[Illustration: Or you might, owing to lack of funds, sweep the chimney
+of the Sunday-school yourself.]
+
+[Illustration: But, after all, the pleasantest way is to back the winner
+of a double and get L40,000 to 5/-.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OVER MONT BLANC BY AEROPLANE.
+
+  _"'Thou, too, hoar Mount! with they sky-pointing peaks,
+  Oft from whose feet the avalanche, unheard,
+  Shoots downward.'"_--_Daily Chronicle._
+
+Conquered, alas! and by one of they dratted flying machines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Eastbourne.--Furnished double-fronted villa, from April, for
+    six or twelve months; facing south; near the downs, fifteen
+    months from pier, five from 'buses."--_The Lady._
+
+Too near for us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO SEPTIMIUS ON TROUT.
+
+(_A February Ode._)
+
+  To-day the young year in her sleep was stirring
+      In woods and hearts of men;
+  To-night 'tis sharper and the cold's recurring--
+      Septimius, what then?
+
+  Draw in and talk of politics and speeches
+      To the old tiresome tune?
+  Not we who saw pale sunshine on the beeches
+      Only this afternoon;
+
+  Who saw the snowdrops frail in woodland hollows,
+      Who heard the building rooks
+  Herald a time of flowers and skimming swallows,
+      Green fields and brawling brooks!
+
+  Nay, pledge anew, Septimius, such gages
+      Of May-time's radiant rout
+  Till, as becometh fishermen and sages,
+      Our talk shall trend to trout--
+
+  To little trout, to little streams that scurry
+      Where the hill curlews cry,
+  O'er which the neophyte may splash and flurry,
+      Yet heap his basket high;
+
+  To careful trout, for pundits skilled and wary,
+      That use upon the chalk,
+  Plump and recondite, dubious and chary--
+      On such shall turn our talk.
+
+  Then since we're of the Faithful, vowed to follow
+      Old Thames's placid flow,
+  We'll breathe of his leviathans that wallow,
+      In bated tones and low;
+
+  And I mayhap shall say a word in token
+      Of one prodigious friend
+  Who lurks--excuse a statement more outspoken--
+      'Twixt Marlow and Bourne End;
+
+  While you, Septimius, set memory roaming
+      To That which smashed amain
+  Your trace of proof, and hint how some soft gloaming
+      He yet shall come again.
+
+  So shall we sit this firelit hour, contriving
+      Blue halcyon days that hold
+  The lisp of streams in crisping reed-beds striving,
+      And meadows spun with gold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Insurance business is ransacted."
+
+    _Quarterly Post Office Guide, p. 154._
+
+The influence of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTELLECTUAL DAMAGE TO ANIMALS.
+
+We gather from _The Daily Sketch_ that a reverend gentleman at Herne Bay
+has just founded the S. P. M. C. A., or "Society for the Prevention of
+Mental Cruelty to Animals," and holds, as part of his propaganda, that
+the Zoo should be disbanded and abolished, and, in fact, that no wild
+animals or birds should be kept anywhere in captivity at all.
+
+The S. P. M. C. A. fills a long-felt want. Everyone with any sense of
+politeness or tact must recognise that it is grossly improper to wound
+the feelings of the lower orders of creation by the opprobrious use of
+such epithets as ass, donkey, cat, mule, pig, goose, monkey, and so on.
+Picture the mental torture and degradation undergone by the
+self-respecting rodent who overhears the contemptuous exclamation,
+"Rats!" Realise, if you can, the stigma attached to the hard-working
+order of garden annelids when, possibly in their very presence, one
+human being addresses another as a "worm"!
+
+Then, again, take the deplorable breaches of etiquette on the part of
+visitors at the Zoo. We ourselves have heard the most uncomplimentary
+allusions made to the appearance of the baboons and the hippopotamus, in
+the hearing of those unfortunate creatures, and quite regardless of
+their _amour propre_. The callous Cockney takes care to insult his
+helpless victims only when they are behind bars and cannot retaliate
+effectively. One shudders to think of the mental humiliation that is
+daily experienced by the warthog and the mandrill. And even the nobler
+animals--the lions and bears--are not allowed to escape without
+prejudicial comment, especially at feeding-time. Not the slightest
+deference is paid to the private opinions and sentiments of these
+carnivores by the vulgar crowd of sight-seers. The parrots alone can
+ease their harassed souls and have the last word with the passer-by.
+
+Meanwhile, we have to apologise to our cat for having recently upbraided
+him rather too freely for his nocturnal habits and general lack of
+discipline, not having considered the shock of such language to his
+sensitive mind.
+
+ZIG-ZAG.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Young lady requires secretarial work of any kind, good writer
+    and correspondent, accustomed to literary work, or would write
+    up Parish fashions."--_Daily Mail._
+
+Smocks are no longer being worn. Sun-bonnets may be expected in a few
+months.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_ (_in small Irish hotel_). "Waiter, take away that
+bottle and put some clean water in it."
+
+_Waiter._ "Faith, Mum, the wather's all right; 'tis the bottle that's
+dirty."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+"Anyhow, I can remember this Court and can tell a tale it plays a part
+in, only not very quick." Thus Mr. WILLIAM DE MORGAN, introductory, on
+the fourth page of his latest novel, When _Ghost meets Ghost_
+(HEINEMANN). Before it ends there have been as near nine hundred pages
+of it as makes no difference; and the things that the author remembers
+in the course of the tale, and the not-very-quickness with which he
+tells it, must be seen to be believed. The main outline of this more
+than leisurely plot is concerned with the coming together of two aged
+twin sisters, each of whom has been living for years in ignorance of the
+other's existence, so that they meet at last almost as ghosts. Hence the
+title. But you will not need to be told that there is ever so much more
+in the nine hundred pages than this. There are the children _Dave and
+Dolly_, for example; likewise _Uncle Mo'_, and any quantity of humble
+London types; not to mention the group that includes _Lady Gwen_, and
+_Adrian Torrens_, and a score of others, all drawn with that verbal
+Pre-Raphaelitism in which the author takes such obvious delight. For
+myself I must honestly confess that I have found it a little
+overwhelming; but that, after all, is a question of individual taste. I
+suppose there is one comparison that is inevitable. I had meant to say
+never a word about CHARLES DICKENS in this notice, but, like the head of
+another CHARLES, it would come; and when the chief house in the story
+began to rumble and finally collapsed in a cloud of dust--well, could
+anyone help being reminded of how the same incident was handled by the
+master of such terrors? In brief, this latest De Morgan left me with a
+profound and increased respect for the author; some little envy for the
+reader whose time and taste enable him to enjoy it as it should be
+enjoyed; and, for proof-readers and reviewers, a very pure sympathy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Duchess of Wrexe_ (SECKER) is, I think, the longest as it is
+certainly the most substantial novel that Mr. HUGH WALPOLE has yet given
+us. It is the work of one who has already made himself a force in modern
+fiction, and after this book will have more than ever to be reckoned
+with. Whether the reckoning will be to all tastes is another matter; I
+incline to think not. Four hundred closely printed pages, in which
+hardly anything happens to the bodies of the characters, but a great
+deal to their spirits--this perhaps is toughish meat for the ordinary
+devourer of fiction. But for the others this study of the passing of an
+epoch, the time of the Old Society, as symbolised by the figure of the
+_Duchess_, will be a delight. You might suppose from this (if you were
+unfamiliar with your author) that we had here a social comedy. Nothing
+in fact could be further from Mr. WALPOLE'S design. For him, as for his
+characters, there is almost too haunting a sense of the tragedy of
+trivial things. No one in the book is happy. The _Duchess_ herself,
+stern, aloof, terrible, broken but never bent by the oncoming of the New
+Order; the various members of the family whom she terrified; _Rachel_,
+the granddaughter, between whom and the old woman there exists the bond
+of one of those hatreds in which Mr. WALPOLE so exults; the secretary,
+_Lizzie Rand_--all of them are tremendously and miserably alive. I think
+the matter is that they have too much sensibility, of the modern kind.
+They see too many meanings. A primrose by a river's brim, or more
+probably in a flower-seller's basket, is not for them a simple primrose,
+but a portent of soul-shaking significance. To make up for this the
+author has gifted them with his own exquisite sense of colour and words,
+and especially a feeling for the beauty of London that at times almost
+reconciles them to life. But I could wish them merrier.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HAROLD SPENDER'S new novel, _One Man Returns_ (MILLS AND BOON),
+opens with a very powerful and dramatic situation. Nothing in its way
+could be better than the description of the lonely _Trevena_ family, of
+their vigil during the terrible storm, of the shipwreck and the sudden
+arrival of the two strangers, father and son, who are its only
+survivors. The father dies immediately without revealing his identity,
+and the son, slowly nursed back to health by the devoted care of _Enid
+Trevena_, resumes his life without any consciousness of the past, having
+forgotten even his own name. As a matter of fact he is _Cyril Oswald_,
+the lawful inheritor of Oswald Hall and great estates, which, of course,
+pass into the possession of the nearest villain. This is _Major Harley_,
+a gentleman of a lurid past and an infamous present, mitigated only by
+the fact that he has a beautiful and amiable daughter, _Dorothy_, who,
+having been educated at Roedean School, conceives herself to be
+qualified to run after beagles. In the natural course of things she
+sprains her ankle and is beloved by _Rupert Sandford_, the chief beagler
+of the novel. She then quarrels with her disgraceful parent, is adopted
+by _Mrs. Sandford_ (mother to _Rupert_), and becomes the affianced bride
+of _Rupert_, though for a time she had been inclined to look with favour
+on _Cyril_. This young gentleman eventually recovers his estates by
+course of law and returns to Cornwall and _Enid_ just in time to cut out
+that young lady from under the guns of _Merrifield_, a South African
+millionaire who had complicated the situation by providing _Cyril_ with
+money for his law-suit. What happened to _Major Harley_ is not stated,
+but I presume he must have drunk off the phial of poison which such
+desperate adventurers always carry concealed about their persons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The matrimonial career of suburban lovers," says Miss JESSIE POPE in a
+prologue to _The Tracy Tubbses_ (MILLS AND BOON), "is seldom variegated
+by so many curious happenings as fell to the lot of Mr. and Mrs. _Tracy
+Tubbs_;" and to this statement I can give my unqualified assent. No
+sooner were the _T. T.'s_ married than they were beset by such wonderful
+and various misfortunes that I should like to try and "place" them. The
+Lion, I think, won in a canter, _Aunt Julia_ was a bad second, and The
+Chafing-dish was third, while among the "also ran" were several
+Policemen, The Balloon, _Cross-eyed Cranstone_ and The Motor-Bicycle.
+But whether the _T. T.'s_ were nearly devoured by wild beasts or merely
+annoyed by aunts and chafing-dishes, they continued to embrace each
+other with magnificent heartiness whenever they had a moment to spare.
+In short, Miss POPE'S high spirits never flag; and, even if you fail to
+be amused by all the incidents in the _T. T.'s_ career, you will be glad
+to make the acquaintance--under a new aspect, for Miss POPE'S talent as
+a maker of light verse is established--of a writer so unaffectedly
+cheerful and exhilarating.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I cannot marry you or any man; _I am not free_," said _Polly Adair_ to
+_Hemingway_, and the italics were her own. For my part, having been
+rather pointedly informed earlier in the story that the lady was
+understood in Zanzibar to be a widow, I began at this stage to suspect
+that there was something lacking in the lateness of _Mr. Adair_. This
+was a great pity, because _Polly_ and _Hemingway_ were obviously meant
+for each other, as she and he and I and Mr. RICHARD HARDING DAVIS were
+unanimously agreed. But there the fatal obstacle was, whatever it might
+be. "I am not free," she repeated, and again the italics were her very
+own. After much to-do, it came out that what she meant was that she had
+a brother who oughtn't to be free; ought, if justice were done, to be
+picking oakum or whatever else they pick in their leisure hours way back
+in U.S.A. And this was the whole and the sole fatal obstacle!
+_Hemingway_ took it as it came; Mr. DAVIS seemed quite pleased about it;
+but I felt that I had been wantonly deceived. Baffle me by all means,
+said I, but do not lie to me. Maybe I was not in a good temper at the
+time, for the three preceding stories were not calculated to stir the
+gentlest reader's sympathies. Possibly I am not in a good temper now,
+for the three later stories (though "_The God of Coincidence_" only just
+missed fire) were not distracting enough to deaden my sense of injury. A
+pity, for _The Lost Road_ (DUCKWORTH) has such a good cover and the name
+of such a good author on the back of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: As dress parades have become quite a feature of modern
+life, surely the restaurant offers a rich field of advertisement for the
+enterprising outfitter through the medium of waiters.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EDITORIAL CANDOUR.
+
+Notice in _Nash's Magazine_ at the beginning of a new serial:--
+
+    "The theme of this story is a strange one handled with the
+    consummate skill one expects from so clever a writer as
+    Gouverneur Morris.... This story will stimulate your interest.
+    It is quite different from anything Mr. Morris has previously
+    written."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Cambridge.
+
+    The appointment of Mr. W. W. Buckland, of Caius, to be Regius
+    Professor of Civil War is in accordance with general
+    expectation, though there were those who thought that the
+    Government might go outside the circle of University
+    teachers."--_The Record._
+
+Mr. DEVLIN was surely indicated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "CANARY WANTED.--Young, intelligent bird wanted for training.
+    For right bird, right price paid. Apply, with bird, Tuesday
+    morning next, at 11 o'clock. M. D., Stage Door, Palladium,
+    London, W.C."
+
+    _The Referee._
+
+Dangerous, asking for the bird like that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+146, February 18, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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