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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146,
+February 11, 1914, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 11, 1914
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 11, 2007 [EBook #22573]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146, FEB. 11, 1914 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 146.
+
+February 11, 1914.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+SIR EDWARD GREY is to accompany the KING on his visit to Paris in April
+next. Nobody will grudge the FOREIGN MINISTER this little treat, which
+he has thoroughly well earned.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to _The Express_ the South African police discovered an
+elaborate plot for kidnapping all the Ministers as a preliminary to
+declaring a Labour Republic. In Labour circles, however, it is declared
+that the scheme was drawn up for a joke. To this the South African
+Government will no doubt retort that the kidnapping of the Labour
+leaders was also a joke--and so the whole matter will end in genial
+laughter.
+
+       * * *
+
+Speaking at Toronto, ex-President TAFT stated that the world would have
+been much worse off without England. We believe that this is so. Without
+England there might have been no American nation to speak of.
+
+       * * *
+
+Sir EDWARD GREY remarked at Manchester that at "the time when we built
+the first _Dreadnoughts Dreadnoughts_ were in the air." So our
+backwardness in naval aviation is no new thing.
+
+       * * *
+
+An attempt is to be made to raise thirteen French warships which were
+sunk when the English and Dutch fleets routed the French off Cape La
+Hogue. It is feared in nervous quarters that this may be used by the
+Germans as an excuse for further increasing their fleet.
+
+       * * *
+
+Although it is frequently stated that our army is fit to cope with the
+army of any Foreign Power it is evident that the War Office itself is
+not quite satisfied, and reforms are instituted from time to time. For
+instance last week it was officially announced that the title of
+Deputy-Adjutant-General, Royal Marines, had been altered to
+Adjutant-General, Royal Marines.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Arising out of" KID LEWIS'S victory last week over PAUL TIL, it is the
+opinion among a good many Germans that the French Government, being
+determined that the Entente should not be imperilled, decided to send
+over a French boxer whom an Englishman could defeat.
+
+       * * *
+
+Letchworth Garden City is now considered large enough to possess its own
+police court, and the Herts County Council has sanctioned its erection.
+Four Letchworth residents have been made J.P.'s, and it is now up to the
+residue to supply sufficient criminals to make the venture a success.
+
+       * * *
+
+Last week, in the City of London Court, a man was ordered to pay L15
+damages and costs for pouring a basin of thick ox-tail soup over another
+man. We are glad that this action has been held to be illegal, as thick
+ox-tail is such nasty sticky stuff.
+
+Meanwhile what the law is as to clear soup is a point which still
+remains to be tested.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to figures published in our bright little contemporary,
+_Fire_, property amounting to L359,875 was destroyed by fire in Great
+Britain during the past year. This seems to us more than enough, but it
+is not easy to satisfy a militant suffragette.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. "MARK ALLERTON" has suggested that London ought to have a special
+golf course for beginners. If it could be arranged for spectators to be
+admitted at a moderate charge we believe this might become one of the
+most successful places of amusement in the Metropolis.
+
+       * * *
+
+A suggestion that school children shall be taken to museums, as a reward
+for good school work, has been made by Lord SUDELEY. This is scarcely a
+new idea. We remember that when we were at school there was a feeling
+that the very good boys ought to be in a museum.
+
+       * * *
+
+We have been favoured with the sight of a letter from a money-lender, in
+which the following remarkable passage occurs:--"The above terms are for
+short periods, _to be repaid_ as mutually agreed upon _before the
+advance is made_." The italics are ours, but the proleptic idea is a
+happy invention of the author himself.
+
+       * * *
+
+    "SPRING IN THE AIR."
+
+    _Daily Mail_.
+
+We are sorry not to oblige our contemporary, but advancing years have
+taken something from our resiliency.
+
+       * * *
+
+ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
+
+    "Dr. Glover, in giving up the Editorship of this most valuable
+    periodical, has earned the grateful thanks of the whole
+    Diocese."
+
+    _Chichester Diocesan Gazette._
+
+       * * *
+
+    "A ridiculous fad that some society ladies are adopting at the
+    present time is not to place any month on the date of their
+    correspondence, simply giving the day of the year. Thus to-day
+    will be marked '34, 1914.' This is not very difficult, but when
+    it comes to, say, '271, 14,' it will need more than a little
+    calculation to discover the actual date."
+
+    _Pall Mall Gazette_ (_Feb. 4th_).
+
+Even "to-day" is too difficult for our contemporary.
+
+       * * *
+
+"POTATOES, POTATEOS."
+
+    _Advt. in "Bedale Chronicle"_ (_its full title being "Bedale,
+    Leyburn and Hawes Chronicle," but that would make the name of
+    the paper longer than the quotation from it--always a mistake._)
+
+We don't care for the second helping.
+
+       * * *
+
+    "'Ha! ha!' the others laugh in their native tongue."--_Evening
+    Dispatch._
+
+You should hear us gargle in German.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Editor of _Punch_ has reproved his Dramatic Critic for referring to
+_It_, in _The Darling of the Gods_, as "a precocious babe." He is
+assured that Mr. BURTIE, who plays this neutral part, "has seen some
+five-and-twenty summers, and has advanced intellectual views about most
+things." _Mr. Punch's_ Dramatic Critic has been instructed to "give him
+double bowing" by way of deferential compensation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Colonel._ "Dash it, Sir, what do you mean by not
+having a light on your confounded hoop?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOWLES WITHOUT A BIAS.
+
+    [With the author's congratulations to "Cap'n" TOMMY BOWLES on
+    the appearance of his new quarterly review, _The Candid_, whose
+    declared aim is "to deal with Public Affairs faithfully and
+    frankly ... and without Party bias." Among its contents are
+    articles on "The New Corruption: The Caucus and the Sale of
+    Honours," and "An Opposition Impotent."]
+
+  I know a man of simple mind,
+    Gamaliel Nibbs by name,
+  Whose early faith in human kind
+    Burned like a Vestal flame;
+  No wind of doubt that stirs the dust
+    Fluttered that bright and constant taper;
+  But oh, he had his dearest trust
+    Pinned to his daily paper.
+
+  Not once he paused awhile to ask
+    Whence was their wisdom caught
+  Who undertook the nightly task
+    Of shaping England's thought;
+  He pictured gods that drove the pen
+    Aloof on high Olympian levels,
+  And not a staff of haggard men
+    Hustled by printer's devils.
+
+  Then came a shock eight years ago:
+    The Rads, he thought, were dished;
+  The Tory Press had just to show
+    The People what it wished;
+  And yet, for all its wealth and size,
+    For all its mammoth circulations,
+  The country saw the Liberals rise
+    And sweep the polling-stations.
+
+  And, when the same sad case occurred
+    Twice in a single year,
+  Gamaliel, moulting like a bird,
+    Mislaid his lightsome cheer;
+  Yet, even so, he would not let
+    His confidence in all that's best rust
+  Until _The Pall Mall_ went and set
+    Its teeth against "The Press Trust."
+
+  The writer dropped some dreadful hints
+    Of One whose sole decree
+  Governed the views of various prints
+    Not to be named by me;
+  He disapproved of paper rings;
+    In language almost rudely blunt he
+  Dilated on the puppet-strings
+    Pulled by a monstrous _Bunty_.
+
+  Our hero's faith grew sick and pale,
+    Yet was not all forlorn,
+  Till Mr. MAXSE charged _The Mail_
+    With blowing WINSTON'S horn;
+  And drew his axe and dyed it pink
+    With blood of Tories, blade to handle--
+  Blood of a Press that chose to blink
+    The late Marconi scandal.
+
+  This finished off Gamaliel Nibbs.
+    Beside his morning mess
+  No journal lies to-day: he jibs
+    At all the Party Press;
+  He counts it stuff for common souls,
+    And means to get his mind expanded
+  By sampling truths that Mr. BOWLES
+    Embodies in _The Candid_.
+
+  Browsing on TOMMY'S fearless Tracts,
+    A strong and generous food,
+  He'll take his fill of meaty facts
+    Not to be lightly chewed:--
+  Corruption in the highest seats;
+    Impotence in the Opposition;
+  The Ship of State, with flapping sheets,
+    Moving to mere perdition.
+
+  A sovereign (net) for entrance fee--
+    And Nibbs is on the list
+  Of patrons who support a free
+    Impartial pessimist;
+  Yet shall his faith not wholly burst;
+    He shares, in common with his "Cap'n,"
+  The view that, when we reach the worst,
+    Then nothing worse can happen.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CABINET MEETS.
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH._ Perhaps the most important point before us, now that the
+Naval Estimates are settled satisfactorily, is the question how we're to
+get through the Session. The Labour Party seems discontented.
+
+_Mr. HARCOURT_ (_airily_). I like talking over their denunciations with
+them as they walk through the lobby with us afterwards.
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH._ Yes, I agree that their altitude is not of overwhelming
+importance. Oh, by the way, I have had an interview with Mr. REDMOND. He
+is pleased to say that at present he is favourably disposed to us.
+
+_All_ (_except Lord CREWE_). That's all right.
+
+_Lord CREWE._ H'm.
+
+_Mr. JOHN BURNS._ I----
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH._ Pardon me if I interrupt, but there is a bad feeling in
+the country. A paper known as _The Spectator_ even suggests the
+impeachment of the Government.
+
+_Mr. LLOYD GEORGE._ I am not surprised. Unprincipled attacks are often
+made on me by political muckrakers. I sometimes think that I shall give
+up politics.
+
+_Lord CREWE._ H'm.
+
+_Mr. BIRRELL._ And suggestions are made that Ministers should be hanged
+in Downing Street. Now in Dublin one allows a certain latitude, but in
+Downing Street!
+
+_Mr. MCKENNA._ I have consulted the police authorities on the point.
+They inform me that the lamp-posts would only bear an exceedingly light
+weight.
+
+_Lord HALDANE._ That is most reassuring.
+
+_Colonel SEELEY._ There's another threat. They talk of the Lords
+throwing out the Army Bill.
+
+_Mr. LLOYD GEORGE._ Good--a saving of thirty (or is it fifty?)
+millions--a great democratic Budget--and an election-winning cry, "The
+Lords destroy the Army."
+
+_Lord CREWE._ H'm.
+
+_Colonel SEELEY._ But we need the Army.
+
+_Mr. LLOYD GEORGE._ What for? Its elimination would be a great moral
+example to Germany. _Some_ nation must take the lead in the peace
+movement.
+
+_Mr. CHURCHILL._ The third great election-winner! I suppose National
+Insurance and Land go back to the stable.
+
+_Mr. BURNS._ I----
+
+_Mr. BIRRELL_ (_hastily_). But there's Ulster. What about Ulster?
+
+_Mr. CHURCHILL._ The solution is simple. We revive the Heptarchy.
+
+_Mr. LLOYD GEORGE._ The Heptarchy was a Saxon institution. It makes no
+appeal to the ardent, fervid intensely religious Celt.
+
+_Lord CREWE._ H'm.
+
+_Mr. BURNS._ I----
+
+_Mr. HARCOURT_ (_interrupting_). But what are we to do about Ulster?
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH._ We must await the reply to our offer.
+
+_Mr. BIRRELL._ But have we made an offer? I said we
+had, but have we?
+
+_Mr. MCKENNA._ (_acutely_). We might await a reply to our tentative
+offer of an offer.
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH._ Good, MCKENNA, very good. I appreciate the delicate
+distinction.
+
+_Lord HALDANE_ (_aside to Lord MORLEY_). Had MCKENNA been caught young
+and forcibly educated, he would have made a metaphysician.
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH._ We have not yet considered whether anything can be done
+to remedy the temporary unpopularity of the Government.
+
+_Colonel SEELEY._ Suppose HOBHOUSE resigned. (_A hum of approval._)
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH._ Say, rather, accepted a lofty Imperial post.
+
+_Mr. HOBHOUSE._ And made room for LLOYD GEORGE'S Man Friday! It would
+mean a by-election in Bethnal Green, where he comes from.
+(_Consternation._)
+
+_Mr. BURNS._ I----
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH_ (_suddenly_). I accept your resignation with great regret,
+BURNS.
+
+_Mr. Burns._ (_indignantly_). I was about to say that under no
+circumstances would I resign.
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH_ (_sadly_). Pardon me. I thought you were anxious for
+leisure to complete your autobiography. Well, if there are no
+resignations, I think we have ended the business of the day.
+
+       *       *       *       *
+
+A CLEAN SLATE.
+
+[Illustration: BOTHA (_to himself_). "I BEG TO PRESENT YOU WITH THIS
+TOKEN OF MY SINCERE APPROBATION."
+
+HIMSELF (_to Botha_). "I ACCEPT IT IN THE SPIRIT IN WHICH IT IS GIVEN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Crafty Neighbor_ (_to stout old lady who has just
+entered carriage with four on each side_). "Excuse me, Mum, but you'll
+find more room on the other side--there are only four there."
+
+_Old Lady._ "Thankee, Sir, so there be; I 'adn't noticed." (_Changes
+over._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CLUB MUSIC HALL.
+
+The Royal Automobile Club having decided to enter into serious
+competition with the Music Halls in order to encourage active
+membership, it is rumoured that one or two other clubs are determined
+not to be left behind, and the following announcements may be expected
+shortly:--
+
+PATHENAEUM CLUB.
+
+Notice to Bishops-Elect.
+
+Every Evening at 8 and Matinees (Weds. and Sats.) at 2.30:
+
+"SHOULD A WOMAN CONFESS?"
+
+Kinoplastieon drama by THE DEAN OF TOOTING.
+
+Evenings at 10:
+
+"THE SARUM LILY" in her marvellous Ecclesiastical Dances.
+
+THE UNITED DIVERSITIES CLUB.
+
+Every Afternoon at 2.30 and Every Evening at 9:
+
+Grand Co-operative Concert and Variety Entertainment.
+
+Davy Lloyd in His Great Land Act, with Troupe of Performing Scotch
+Woodcocks.
+
+  Bonnie Lawder ...  "_My True Blue Belfast._"
+    Ted Carson and Chorus of Outlaws.
+
+  Bertie Samuel ... _Heard at the Telephone_
+    (farcical comedy).
+
+  Reggie McKenna ...  "_Nose-bagtime._"
+    By-electionscope.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RETROGRADE.
+
+    "He wanted to see the town grow larger and the dates grow less."
+
+    _Birmingham Daily Post_.
+
+"Come where the dates grow smaller!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A KEY TO CUBISM.
+
+The chief exponent of "the new geometric art" explains the whole
+movement in the following passage, as reproduced in _The Observer_:--
+
+    "Primitive space has entered into us, as it were.... Against
+    that space within us, as against the space that appalled the
+    savage from without, we erect always more hard and logical
+    images.... All brute material, animate and inanimate, of earth,
+    becomes an organism to confront the soul. Formerly the soul as a
+    simple figure, like a ballet, faced the environing vagueness.
+
+    "Appearance then, at present, becomes a dyke around the invision
+    from within. And, as a consequence even of this, the appearance,
+    as it is seen in art to-day, tends to be more removed from
+    everyday objective reality than at any former period of art. A
+    new religion is being built up, girder by girder, around the
+    vague spirit. _Space_, the physical space of savage shyness, _is
+    now on our side_."
+
+The comment of the writer in _The Observer_ runs thus: "This, at any
+rate, is the language of people who know what they are about."
+
+_Mr. Punch_, being a little fearful lest the average reader of the above
+passage may not share this knowledge of "what they are about," ventures
+to add his own views on Cubism, confident that even those who disagree
+will applaud his clarity.
+
+From RAPHAEL until PCESZY TURGIDOFF (the brilliant young Slav whose
+canvas has recently been acquired by the Royal Geological Museum) all
+true artists have striven to adumbrate the eternal conflict between the
+morbid pathology of Realism and the poignant simplicity of Nihilism. In
+other and shorter words, chaos must ever be on the side of the angels.
+But, until the advent of the new Truth, the whole mission of art had
+trickled into a very delta of arid sentiment. The critic could walk all
+the galleries of Europe and find nothing to lighten his melancholy until
+he entered one of those caverns of earliest man and stood in ecstatic
+reverence before the incomparable masterpieces wherein the first of the
+Futurists created (with perfect parsimony of a sharpened flint) Man, not
+as he is to his own dull eye, but Man as he is to the inner retina of
+the universe. Man, the simple triangle on two stilts, the creature on
+one plane and of one dimension, an outline without entity, a nothingness
+staring, faceless, at the nothingness which baffles his soul.
+
+Emotion, idealism, beauty--these have been always the evil spirits that
+have fettered art. The new art has so exorcised them that they have fled
+from it with demoniac cries. Pulziacco's splendid rhomboid, "Cleopatra";
+Weber-Damm's tender parallelograms, "The Daughters of James Bowles,
+Esq., J.P"; Todwarden Jones's rectilineal wizardry, "A Basket of
+Oranges"; and Arabella Machicu's triumph of astigmatism, "The Revolving
+Bookcase," are examples of this conquest of the inner retina over the
+brutal insistences of form and matter.
+
+Of still deeper significance is that terribly sad picture of Philip
+Martini, "The Mumpers: a Group at Lloyds." Nothing is more illustrative
+of the courage demanded for the struggle of the new art against
+convention than this poignant work, wherein, true to the verities, the
+artist has confounded realism in its own domain by the unrecognisable
+faces of his sitters.
+
+Let us sum up the new movement so clearly that the dullest will
+apprehend. Surely the inhibition of all apperceptions in art is
+correlative to the inner _ego_? That simple postulate granted, it will
+be unquestioned that the true focus of vision should co-ordinate the
+invisible. Faith we must have, or we faint by the roadside of the
+intelligible. The only altruism is that which can defy the cold
+brutality of things as they _are_, and convince us with things as they
+_are not_. Thus alone can the contemplation of art bring us back to
+primal infelicity, and restore in our souls the perfect vacuity of
+infants and cows. Thus only can we achieve the suffusion of vision of
+the happy inebriate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sunday-school Teacher._ "And now, Tommy, about your
+prize--would you like a hymn-book?"
+
+_Tommy._ "A yim-book's all right, teacher, but--er--er--I'd sooner 'ave
+a squirt."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TROPHY.
+
+  I'd dined at home; I'd read till ten;
+    I'd thought, "The space upon the wall
+      Above the stuffed Thames trout
+    Wants filling." That was really all:
+  And then I closed my eyes, and then
+      I let my pipe go out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  We crawled, the Khan of Khot and I,
+    On a Thibetan precipice
+      (It _was_ Thibet, I think),
+    A place of snow and black abyss;
+  We lay on rock--mid wind and sky--
+      Above a beetling brink.
+
+  For lo, along the ridge there fed
+    The sheep that ne'er a shepherd know
+      Save the shrill wind of morn,
+    Five "_Oves Ammon_" of the snow;
+  I saw the big ram lift his head,
+      Twin-mooned in mighty horn.
+
+  Broadside he turned, a mountain-god
+    In sweep of coronal sublime,
+      And the fierce whisper broke--
+    The Khan of Khot's, he hissed, "_Tak time_!"
+  And handed me my spinning-rod;
+      And as he did I woke!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  One thing at least is clear, and that's
+    My empty wall is yet to fill;
+      Though oft with even's shade
+    I see that great head from the hill,
+  Unstable as the Cheshire cat's,
+      Look down therefrom and fade.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two quotations from _The Publisher's Circular_:--
+
+    "Mr. Robert Bowes (who by the way is in his sixty-seventh
+    year)...."
+
+    "Mr. Robert Bowes is in his seventy-ninth year.... But then he
+    is much younger than many older men."
+
+So are all of us. Mr. BOWES'S distinction is in being twelve years
+younger than himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL'S WELL THAT BEGINS WELL.
+
+[Illustration: The Mayoress kicks off for Squasham United.
+
+Miss Dotty Devereux for the stage.
+
+A Famous Scandinavian Poet for the Authors.
+
+Her Ladyship for the Village.
+
+Little Rosie for the Ramblers.
+
+A Borough Councillor for the "Old Boys."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LESSON.
+
+I was showing Celia a few fancy strokes on the billiard table. The other
+members of the house-party were in the library, learning their parts for
+some approaching theatricals--that is to say, they were sitting round
+the fire and saying to each other, "This _is_ a rotten play." We had
+been offered the position of auditors to several of the company, but we
+were going to see _Parsifal_ on the next day, and I was afraid that the
+constant excitement would be bad for Celia.
+
+"Why don't you ask me to play with you?" she asked. "You never teach mo
+anything."
+
+"There's ingratitude. Why, I gave you your first lesson at golf only
+last Thursday."
+
+"So you did. I know golf. Now show me billiards."
+
+I looked at my watch.
+
+"We've only twenty minutes. I'll play you thirty up."
+
+"Right-o... What do you give me--a ball or a bisque or what?"
+
+"I can't spare you a ball, I'm afraid. I shall want all three when I get
+going. You may have fifteen start, and I'll tell you what to do."
+
+"Well, what do I do first?"
+
+"Select a cue."
+
+She went over to the rack and inspected them.
+
+"This seems a nice brown one. Now then, you begin."
+
+"Celia, you've got the half-butt. Put it back and take a younger one."
+
+"I thought it seemed taller than the others." She took another. "How's
+this? Good. Then off you go."
+
+"Will you be spot or plain?" I said, chalking my cue.
+
+"Does it matter?"
+
+"Not very much. They're both the same shape."
+
+"Then what's the difference?"
+
+"Well, one is more spotted than the other."
+
+"Then I'll be less spotted."
+
+I went to the table.
+
+"I think," I said, "I'll try and screw in off the red." (I did this once
+by accident and I've always wanted to do it again). "Or perhaps," I
+corrected myself, as soon as the ball had left me, "I had better give a
+safety miss."
+
+I did. My ball avoided the red and came swiftly back into the left-hand
+bottom pocket.
+
+"That's three to you," I said without enthusiasm.
+
+Celia seemed surprised.
+
+"But I haven't begun yet," she said. "Well, I suppose you know the
+rules, but it seems funny. What would you like me to do?"
+
+"Well, there isn't much on. You'd better just try and hit the red ball."
+
+"Right." She leant over the table and took long and careful aim. I held
+my breath.... Still she aimed.... Then, keeping her chin on the cue, she
+slowly turned her head and looked up at me with a thoughtful expression.
+
+"Oughtn't there to be three balls on the table?" she said, wrinkling her
+forehead.
+
+"No," I answered shortly.
+
+"But why not?"
+
+"Because I went down by mistake."
+
+"But you said that when you got going, you wanted--I can't argue bending
+down like this." She raised herself slowly. "You said--Oh, all right, I
+expect you know. Anyhow, I _have_ scored some already, haven't I?"
+
+"Yes. You're eighteen to my nothing."
+
+"Yes. Well, now I shall have to aim all over again." She bent slowly
+over her cue. "Does it matter where I hit the red?"
+
+"Not much. As long as you hit it on the red part."
+
+She hit it hard on the side, and both balls came into baulk.
+
+"Too good," I said.
+
+"Does either of us get anything for it?"
+
+"No." The red and the white were close together, and I went up the table
+and down again on the off-chance of a cannon. I misjudged it, however.
+
+"That's three to you," I said stiffly, as I took my ball out of the
+right-hand bottom pocket. "Twenty-one to nothing."
+
+"Funny how I'm doing all the scoring," said Celia meditatively. "And
+I've practically never played before. I shall hit the red hard now and
+see what happens to it."
+
+She hit, and the red coursed madly about the table, coming to rest near
+the top right-hand pocket and close to the cushion. With a forcing shot
+I could get in.
+
+"This will want a lot of chalk," I said pleasantly to Celia, and gave it
+plenty. Then I let fly....
+
+"Why did that want a lot of chalk?" said Celia with interest.
+
+I went to the fireplace and picked my ball out of the fender.
+
+"That's three to you," I said coldly. "Twenty-four to nothing."
+
+"Am I winning?"
+
+"You're leading," I explained. "Only, you see, I may make a twenty at
+any moment."
+
+"Oh!" She thought this over. "Well, I may make my three at any moment."
+
+She chalked her cue and went over to her ball.
+
+"What shall I do?"
+
+"Just touch the red on the right-hand side," I said, "and you'll go into
+the pocket."
+
+"The _right_-hand side? Do you mean _my_ right-hand side, or the
+ball's?"
+
+"The right-hand side of the ball, of course; that is to say, the side
+opposite your right hand."
+
+"But its right-hand side is opposite my _left_ hand, if the ball is
+facing this way."
+
+"Take it," I said wearily, "that the ball has its back to you."
+
+"How rude of it," said Celia, and hit it on the left-hand side, and sank
+it. "Was that what you meant?"
+
+"Well ... it's another way of doing it."
+
+"I thought it was. What do I give you for that?"
+
+"_You_ get three."
+
+"Oh, I thought the other person always got the marks. I know the last
+three times----"
+
+"Go on," I said freezingly. "You have another turn."
+
+"Oh, is it like rounders?"
+
+"Something. Go on, there's a dear. It's getting late."
+
+She went, and left the red over the middle pocket.
+
+"A-ha!" I said. I found a nice place in the "D" for my ball. "Now then.
+This is the GRAY stroke, you know."
+
+I suppose I was nervous. Anyhow, I just nicked the red ball gently on
+the wrong side and left it hanging over the pocket. The white travelled
+slowly up the table.
+
+"Why is that called the grey stroke?" asked Celia with great interest.
+
+"Because once, when Sir EDWARD GREY was playing the German
+Ambassador--but it's rather a long story. I'll tell you another time."
+
+"Oh! Well, anyhow, did the German Ambassador got anything for it?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Then I suppose I don't. Bother."
+
+"But you've only got to knock the red in for game."
+
+"Oh!.... There, what's that?"
+
+"That's a miscue. I get one."
+
+"Oh!.... Oh well," she added magnanimously, "I'm glad you've started
+scoring. It will make it more interesting for you."
+
+There was just room to creep in off the red, leaving it still over the
+pocket. With Celia's ball nicely over the other pocket there was a
+chance of my twenty break. "Let's see," I said, "how many do I want?"
+
+"Twenty-nine," replied Celia.
+
+"Ah," I said.... and I crept in.
+
+"That's three to you," I said icily.
+"Game."
+
+A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR READY WRITERS.
+
+The astonishing rapidity attained by Mr. WALTER MELVILLE in the
+composition of his plays as revealed in the evidence given in court last
+week has suggested an appeal to other leading authors for information as
+to their rate of production. We append the results herewith:--
+
+Mr. MAX PEMBERTON observed that the speed of composition varied with the
+literary quality of the work produced. Personally he found that by far
+the most laborious and protracted mental effort was entailed in the
+writing of _Revues_. He had calculated that the amount of brain force he
+had spent on his last masterpiece was fully as large as that expended by
+GIBBON on his monumental _History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman
+Empire_. In evidence of the strain he added the following interesting
+statistics. He had worn out thirteen of the costliest gold-nibbed
+fountain pens; seven expert typists had been so exhausted that they had
+to undergo a rest-cure; and finally he himself had consumed no fewer
+than nineteen seven-and-sixpenny bottles of Blunker's Sanguinogen.
+
+Sir EDWIN DURNING-LAWRENCE, Bart., poohpoohed the notion that the
+moderns were more rapid producers than their forefathers. As the result
+of his investigations he had conclusively proved that BACON was an
+infinitely more rapid producer than any living author. His time-table
+worked out as follows. BACON wrote _Chaucer_ in a little less than three
+weeks. He completed the _Faerie Queene_ in one sitting, allowing for
+refreshments, of seventy-four hours. The Plays of SHAKSPEARE occupied
+him from first to last not more than ten months. _Montaigne_ was dashed
+off in just a fortnight, while _Beaumont and Fletcher_, _Marlowe_,
+_Greene_, _Webster_ and _Ben Jonson_ took him exactly 37-1/2 days. Next
+to SHAKSPEARE'S Plays the _Divina Commedia_ was his most protracted
+effort, costing him nearly four months of unremitting labour. Sir EDWIN
+added in pathetic proof of the degeneracy of the moderns that his own
+famous pamphlet had taken him twice as long to compose as _Chaucer_ had
+taken BACON.
+
+Mr. HALL CAINE strongly deprecated the tendency to put a premium on
+rapid composition, as though there were any special virtue in speed. His
+own novels, which were written with his heart's blood, represented in
+their ultimate form a rigorous condensation of materials ten or even
+fifteen times as bulky. It was in this process of condensation that the
+self-sacrificing side of true genius was most convincingly shown. But,
+great as was the strain involved in this painful process, even greater
+was that imposed on a successful author by the cruel importunity of the
+interviewer on the eve of publication. Such methods were absolutely
+alien to his nature, but he had to set against his own convenience the
+immeasurable disappointment which his refusal would cause his readers.
+It was one of the most pathetic tragedies of genius that the dictates of
+an austere reticence were so often set at nought by the impulses of a
+tender heart.
+
+Sir H. H. HOWORTH said that the 6,500 columns of _The Times_ which he
+had filled in the last thirty years had been covered in exactly 3,000
+minutes or 500 hours. In his contributions to _The Morning Post_, where
+he was accorded a larger type, he had attained a slightly greater
+velocity, almost equalling that of LOPE DE VEGA, the most prolific
+writer on record. On the other hand, in his _History of the Mongols_ he
+had adopted a rate of progress more in keeping with the leisurely habits
+of the race whose records he was collating. He added the interesting
+fact that, in spite of the saying _nomen omen_, both Dean SWIFT and
+Archdeacon HARE were slow composers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SECRET OF OUR COMMERCIAL SUPREMACY.
+
+[Illustration: _Clerk_ (_to applicant for post of office-boy_). "The
+guvnor's out. Call to-morrow at nine."
+
+_Applicant._ "Oh, I say! Can't you make it later? I have my breakfast at
+nine."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Coroners' juries have frequently placed on record their
+    disapproval of amateur doctring."
+
+    _Manchester Guardian._
+
+Which, in the opinion of _Mrs. Gamp_, they ought to mind their own
+business and not interfere with matters connected with religion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The Picture of a Boxer As Published Fifty Years Ago.]
+
+[Illustration: And the picture of a boxer as published to-day.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MANES A LA MODE.
+
+(_A vision suggested by the inspiriting rumour that green hair is about
+to become fashionable._)
+
+  In Springtide when the copses stir
+    And hawthorn buds on boughs are seen,
+  My love shall seek the hairdresser
+    And have her hair dyed green.
+
+  Gay priestess of a Dryad cult
+    With leaf-like locks she'll haunt the trees,
+  Securing this superb result
+    With Boffkin's verdigris.
+
+  And feathered songsters all secure,
+    The merle, the lark, shall come and sit
+  Amongst her emerald _chevelure_
+    And build their nests in it.
+
+  But when sweet Maytime draws to close
+    Neaera still shall mark the date;
+  She'll steal the red fires of the rose
+    And daub them on her pate.
+
+  The ensanguined peonies shall grudge
+    Her flaming top-knot's stolen hue
+  (The bill shall come from Messrs. Fudge,
+    "To tincture, Two Pound Two").
+
+  And bees and wasps to sip its bloom
+    Shall buzz about that glorious tire
+  And, having sipped, shall feel a gloom
+    And painfully expire.
+
+  Sad Autumn shall arrive, and still
+    To suit the note the glades have struck,
+  Moat sweetly shall Neaera swill
+    Her poll with barber's muck.
+
+  And now with gold and purple glow,
+    Now russet and now rather wan,
+  Weekly her scalp shall undergo
+    Some transformation.
+
+  Till lastly, when by chymic jolt
+    And sheer corrosion of the thatch,
+  What time the withering woodlands moult
+    My love shall moult to match,
+
+  And all those curls I loved to beg
+    For keepsakes on the earth be strewed,
+  Leaving her cranium like an egg
+    Incomparably nude.
+
+  What matter? She can start again
+    And ape the season's altering rigs
+  More simply, having lost her mane,
+    With _repertoires_ of wigs.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Gold Coast Nut.
+
+(_Copy of Letter addressed to a London Tailor_.)
+
+    "Dear Sir--I beg to say these words to you. I deem you will not
+    have any vexation about my requirement. You may be pleased for
+    my saying, your name having recommened to me by a certain friend
+    of mine. He knows very well, else he could not give your name to
+    me. Because no one knows you in this Gold Coast, with exception
+    of him. That you are the best tailor at city called London. I
+    desiderate to deal with in England. On the receipt of this note,
+    genial forward me your samples by returning mail together with
+    price list. I will be pleased to open a great business with
+    you.... I will gladly submit your good reply by my great
+    opportunities, hoping you will not fail. Yours faithfully ----"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"To name a girl after a battle or other public event," says _The Daily
+News_, "is positively wicked, as it gives away her age. The numerous
+'Almas' christened during the Crimean War had good reason to know this;
+so have the 'Jubilees' and the 'Trafalgars.'" Quite so. We know a dear
+lady who might easily pass for twenty if her parents had not named her
+"Ramillies."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GIFT HORSE.
+
+[Illustration: Mr. Asquith. "THERE YOU ARE, SIR; WARRANTED QUIET TO RIDE
+OR DRIVE. HE'S BY 'CONVERSATIONS' OUT OF 'PARLIAMENT,' AND I'VE CALLED
+HIM 'THE LIMIT.'"
+
+Mr. Bonar Law. "MANY THANKS, BUT I DON'T SEEM TO CARE MUCH FOR HIS
+TEETH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUESTION TIME.
+
+[Illustration: _Effie._ "Mummy, when you and Daddy was engaged did you
+engage him or did he engage you?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE THREE WISHES.
+
+(_A Story for Little Innocents._)
+
+Once upon the usual time, a poor but comparatively honest woodcutter
+dwelt in a tiny hut on the edge of a great forest. Since he was so poor,
+his fare was simplicity itself: black bread and a cheese of goat's milk,
+washed down by draughts of cold water bottled at a neighbouring
+spring--in a word, just those articles of food which your dear mamma has
+nowadays to order specially from the most expensive shops.
+
+Well, one winter evening the poor man was enjoying (if you can call it
+so) his frugal supper as above, when there came a gentle tap at the
+door; and on opening it he perceived upon the threshold a very old woman
+dressed in a cloak of faded rags. She was so old and so remarkably ugly
+that had she been a duchess not the most inventive of reporters could
+have done better for her than "distinguished looking." So the
+woodcutter, not unnaturally, regarded his visitor with some suspicion.
+
+"Kind Sir," quavered the old woman, "I perish with hunger. Grant me, I
+entreat you, a crust of bread."
+
+"Ah!" said the woodcutter--to gain time. He was, of course, well aware
+that there was at least a sporting chance of the old woman being a fairy
+in disguise, in which case it would be perfectly sickening to have
+neglected so good a thing. On the other hand he knew also that there
+were a great many undeserving cases. As he was deliberating, however, he
+perceived beneath the old woman's gown the glitter of a white satin toe,
+and this decided him to risk it. [N.B. For our youthful readers, this is
+an infallible sign for the detection of disguised fairies--try it at the
+next pantomime you go to.] "Come in and welcome, Mother," said the
+woodcutter, and flung wide the door.
+
+Accordingly the old woman entered the hut, and having done apparent
+justice to what was left of the woodcutter's meal, "Now," said she,
+striking an appropriate attitude, "behold!" and in the twinkling of an
+eye there she stood, the complete fairy, all shimmer and spangles.
+
+"Well!" exclaimed the woodcutter, looking as astonished as he could
+manage, "I haven't a notion how that's done!"
+
+"And as a reward for your hospitality," continued the fairy, "choose
+three wishes, and they shall be granted."
+
+"I assure you," began the woodcutter politely, "nothing was further from
+my----" but a look in the fairy's eyes stopped him. "Of course, if you
+insist," he said; adding in rather a different tone, "Perhaps you'll
+excuse me for putting the matter on a business-like footing."
+
+So saying, he produced from his pocket a small pamphlet entitled, _On
+Transactions with Fairies; with Some Hints to Beginners_. Having studied
+this for a moment, "I suppose," said the woodcutter, "that by 'wishes'
+you mean without restriction? Not anything within reason, or economies
+of that sort?"
+
+The visitor looked surprised and a little hurt. "There is no such thing
+as reason in Fairyland," she said stiffly.
+
+"The mistake was mine," said the woodcutter.
+
+"Only one wish is closed to you," resumed the fairy; "you may not wish
+to have any more wishes."
+
+"That's a pity," said the woodcutter, "especially as I'd only just
+thought of; it."
+
+"An obvious precaution that we were obliged to take in our own
+interests. We lost heavily in that way at one time. But consider well.
+You have the choice of wealth beyond the dreams of avarice. You can
+become the most powerful monarch in the world. Beauty can be yours, or
+wisdom or piety. You can--"
+
+"I wonder," asked the woodcutter, "if you'd mind not talking for a
+moment? This is a delicate crisis and demands concentration. I think
+that first of all," he continued thoughtfully, "I will suggest that you
+endow me with perfect and unalterable self-esteem for ever, so that in
+case I make a fool of myself over the other two wishes I shall not have
+the misery of perceiving it."
+
+"It is done," said the fairy, and at once the woodcutter was sensible of
+an inward elation like the effect of good champagne, only more so.
+
+"I'm really managing this rather well," he thought with a smile. "I wish
+the foreman of the lumber works, who called me a fool yesterday, could
+see me now!"
+
+And immediately there was the foreman, blinking and rubbing his eyes,
+and gazing with irritation at the fairy and the woodcutter. The latter
+laughed pleasantly.
+
+"That," he said to the fairy, "is distinctly one up to you! If it wasn't
+for the gift of self-esteem I should be calling myself every kind of
+idiot. But the best of us are liable to error!"
+
+"You have now," the fairy reminded him, "one wish left. Will you desire
+that your task-master here be returned to the place whence he came?"
+
+"I will not," said the woodcutter. "If it amuses him to stay, he is
+quite welcome. If not, I imagine him to be capable of walking. Let me
+see. At the present moment the only wants I can suggest are both few and
+simple; a million pounds invested in Government stock, the constitution
+of a gladiator, and to be as wise as the greatest fool on earth imagines
+himself--these are the lot. But no doubt I shall recollect others
+presently."
+
+"One wish only," the fairy repeated a little sharply, "and that without
+delay, for time presses."
+
+"You needn't rub it in," said the woodcutter. "I have already made my
+choice. Are you ready? Go! I wish to have everything I really want in
+the world." He paused expectantly, and even a little apprehensively.
+
+"It is done," said the fairy; but nothing happened.
+
+"That's all right!" said the woodcutter with obvious relief. "I will
+now, as an extra, wish both you and the foreman good evening."
+
+Whereupon he bowed them politely out of the hut and returned chuckling
+to his hygienic diet. Which appears to show that even in the year Once
+men were not always the fools that they are usually represented.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AIDS TO ADVERTISERS.
+
+[Illustration: Miles of Free Advertisements by using Rubber Letter
+Soles. (These can be inked at will by bulb attached to tubes running
+down legs of operator.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NOSE HAS IT.
+
+I was presiding at one of my periodical stocktakings.
+
+"Sort them all out," I had said, "and let me see them."
+
+When I had reached home they were all there, on view.
+
+There were thirty-four this time. I went through them--A.H.L., T.W.T.,
+E.F., G.H., M.L.K., O.T., B., F.W.H., and so forth.
+
+"What a lot," I said.
+
+"Yes; I think it's the biggest lot you've ever had. Last time there were
+only seventeen."
+
+"And what did we do about them?" I asked.
+
+"You went through them and nothing happened."
+
+"I didn't send any back?" I said in astonishment.
+
+"No. You got ready to, and then, I don't know why, but you didn't."
+
+"What a low trick!" I said. "Worse than borrowing books. Some of these
+are pretty good, aren't they?"
+
+"Yes, this one"--holding up F.W.H.--"is a beauty. The very finest
+quality."
+
+I took it and felt it.
+
+"It is," I said. "I wonder where he buys them. Bond Street, I suppose.
+Is there anything else as good as that one?"
+
+"No, nothing quite so good; but these are all right;" and I was handed
+E.F. and M.L.K.
+
+I felt them too.
+
+"Yes," I said, "they're first-rate."
+
+I laid them on one side.
+
+"Very well," I said, gathering the rest into a bunch, "see that all
+those go back with my compliments, best thanks and regrets for the
+delay. I'll keep these three a day or so longer for patterns."
+
+Did I say that all this happened last year? It did.
+
+Yesterday I had another borrowed-handkerchief parade and found
+forty-three. The spectacle was not without its pathos. F.W.H. now had a
+lot of holes; so had E.F. and M.L.K. But of a softness still!
+
+All the old friends were there too, in spite of what I had directed.
+
+"I thought these were to have gone back," I said. "Didn't I say so?"
+
+"Yes; but--"
+
+"But what?"
+
+"I didn't think you really meant it."
+
+I suppose I didn't.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Herr Ballin ... spends his whole day in the offices of his
+    company on the Alster, and rarely leaves Hamburg except for
+    business journeys or to escape from some public
+    cemetery."--_Manchester Guardian._
+
+Why is he so unpopular?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Some day, perhaps a few centuries hence, if it is desired to
+    turn the ship to the starboard, the order starboard will be
+    given, and to the star-order 'starboard' will be given, and to
+    the star-simpler, does it not?"
+
+    _Naval and Military Record._
+
+
+Much.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "With the exception of the police, Press representatives, and
+    photographers there were comparatively few people in the
+    thoroughfare. The photographers were requested by the police to
+    refrain from operating, and they withdrew, while the remainder
+    found their virgil very cold and unexciting."
+
+    _Newcastle Daily Journal._
+
+We confess that the Roman poet often used to leave us cold and unexcited
+too.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Motorist_ (_after very narrow shave_). "But _why_
+all this fuss? We haven't damaged you. You can't bring an action against
+us."
+
+_Second Motorist._ "I _know_ I can't, sir, I _know_ I cant; that's just
+my point."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE'S LABOUR.
+
+I walked into Charles's room with undoubted meaning--that is to say, he
+could see I intended to be there.
+
+"Hello!" said Charles. "Help yourself to a chair."
+
+"Thanks," I said--"thanks," and I sat down.
+
+Charles looked at me thoughtfully. "There's something the matter," he
+said.
+
+"Ah! You've noticed it too, Charles. I thought so myself."
+
+"Have you any idea what it is?" he asked.
+
+I looked him steadily in the face. "Charles," I began, "you are a
+stockbroker. You know the value of money." He groaned.
+
+"Very well, I have a question to ask you--a simple financial question.
+It is this. What, in your opinion as a stockbroker, a level-headed
+stockbroker, is the least one can start on?"
+
+"It all depends," he said. "Of course there's the deposit of securities,
+L1000, and then--"
+
+I waved my hand. "My dear man," I said, "I'm not thinking of marrying
+the Stock Exchange."
+
+Charles closed his eyes. "Good Lord," he murmured. "Poor old thing. I
+never thought of this. Take a cigarette--or perhaps you don't smoke
+now."
+
+I took a cigarette with a fine independence. I carried it further and
+borrowed a match.
+
+"Now," I said, "we must try and keep to the point. What is the least one
+can start on?"
+
+"I don't know," he replied. "I've never begun. By the way, I must
+congratulate you. Who is she?"
+
+"Daphne," I said, and smiled wanly.
+
+"You don't look well."
+
+"I love her," I said simply, and the pathos of it all fairly gripped me.
+
+Charles smoothed his hair. "We'd better stick to business," he said.
+
+In an instant I was a business man. "Right," I said crisply. "Let me put
+the question in another way. What is the least on which one can start?"
+
+"Well, it all depends on what sort of an establishment you wish to keep
+up. If you--"
+
+"Nothing," I said quickly, "is good enough for Daphne. She's so
+absolutely sweet. She sings, Charles, divinely. She dresses perfectly.
+She plays the pianoforte exquisitely. She sings, did I say, divinely."
+
+"Talking of establishments," said Charles--
+
+"You're right," I agreed, and I moved into a chair by the table and drew
+out my fountain pen. "We shall want a house," I began helpfully.
+
+"A house? Oh, yes, I know. One of those things with rooms. Just one
+house would do for a start, I suppose?"
+
+I regarded him sorrowfully. "Charles, this is a serious matter."
+
+"There's humour in everything if you look for it. How about eight
+hundred?"
+
+"Eight hundred!" I laughed brokenly.
+
+"Well, seven hundred?"
+
+"Ha! ha!"
+
+"Six hundred? Dash it, that's very little."
+
+"Charles," I pleaded.
+
+"I don't want to be hard," he said, "but in justice to the people who
+come to stay with you I can't go any lower."
+
+"Not if we did without wine?"
+
+"Six hundred."
+
+"Wine and cigars, Charles?"
+
+"Six hundred."
+
+"I'll give up auction."
+
+Charles cleared his throat as though about to make a concession.
+
+"Make it five," I pleaded. "Make it five and you shall be my best man."
+
+"Very well," he said, "I make it five hundred."
+
+"And now, Charles, good-bye."
+
+"Why good-bye?"
+
+"I love her," I said simply.
+
+"Poor old thing," he said. "Let me know about the wedding. I must make a
+point of being there."
+
+I pressed his hand. "You're a brick," I said.
+
+Then I hurried out into a taxi and drove to Daphne's.
+
+She refused me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LEAN-TO SHED.
+
+(_Communicated by an eight-year-old._)
+
+  I've a palace set in a garden fair,
+  And, oh, but the flowers are rich and rare,
+      Always growing
+      And always blowing
+  Winter or summer--it doesn't matter--
+  For there's never a wind that dares to scatter
+  The wonderful petals that scent the air
+  About the walls of my palace there.
+  And the palace itself is very old,
+  And it's built of ivory splashed with gold.
+  It has silver ceilings and jasper floors
+  And stairs of marble and crystal doors;
+  And whenever I go there, early or late,
+  The two tame dragons who guard the gate
+  And refuse to open the frowning portals
+  To sisters, brothers and other mortals,
+      Get up with a grin
+      And let me in.
+  And I tickle their ears and pull their tails
+  And pat their heads and polish their scales;
+  And they never attempt to flame or fly,
+  Being quelled by me and my human eye.
+  Then I pour them drink out of golden flagons,
+  Drink for my two tame trusty dragons....
+      But John,
+  Who's a terrible fellow for chattering on,
+      John declares
+      They are Teddy-bears;
+  And the palace itself, he has often said,
+  Is only the gardener's lean-to shed.
+
+  In the vaulted hall where we have the dances
+  There are suits of armour and swords and lances,
+  Plenty of steel-wrought who's-afraiders,
+  All of them used by real crusaders;
+  Corslets, helmets and shields and things
+  Fit to be worn by warrior-kings,
+      Glittering rows of them--
+      Think of the blows of them,
+        Lopping,
+        Chopping,
+        Smashing
+        And slashing
+  The Paynim armies at Ascalon....
+  But, bother the boy, here comes our John
+  Munching a piece of currant cake,
+  Who says the lance is a broken rake,
+  And the sword with its keen Toledo blade
+  Is a hoe, and the dinted shield a spade,
+  Bent and useless and rusty-red,
+  In the gardener's silly old lean-to shed.
+
+  And sometimes, too, when the night comes soon
+  With a great magnificent tea-time moon,
+  Through the nursery-window I peep and see
+  My palace lit for a revelry;
+  And I think I shall try to go there instead
+  Of going to sleep in my dull small bed.
+      But who are these
+      In the shade of the trees
+      That creep so slow
+      In a stealthy row?
+  They are Indian braves, a terrible band,
+  Each with a tomahawk in his hand,
+  And each has a knife _without a sheath_
+  Fiercely stuck in his gleaming teeth.
+
+  Are the dragons awake? Are the dragons sleepers?
+  Will they meet and scatter these crafty creepers?
+  What ho! ... But John, who has sorely tried me,
+  Trots up and flattens his nose beside me;
+  Against the window he flattens it
+      And says he can see
+      As well as me,
+  But never an Indian--not a bit;
+  Not even the top of a feathered head,
+  But only a wall and the lean-to shed.
+
+R. C. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN EXTREMIS.
+
+A Nut lay dying. He was twenty-five. He had had a good time--too
+good--and the end was near.
+
+There was no hope, but alleviation was possible. "Is there anything," he
+was asked, "that you would like?"
+
+He was plucky and prepared for the worst.
+
+"Yes," he said, "I'd like to know what I've spent since I was twenty.
+Could that be arranged?"
+
+"Easily," they said.
+
+"Good," he replied. "Then tell me what I've spent on my bally old
+stomach--on food."
+
+"On food," they replied. "We find that you have spent on yourself an
+average of a pound a day for food. For five years that is, roughly,
+L1825."
+
+"Roughly?" said the Nut.
+
+"Yes. Counting one leap year, it would be L1826. But then you have
+entertained with some freedom, bringing the total to L3075."
+
+"Yes," said the Nut. "And what about drinks?"
+
+"We find," was the reply, "that on drinks your average has been eighteen
+shillings a day, or L1643 8s. 0d. in all."
+
+"Good heavens!" said the Nut. "What a noble thirst! And clothes?"
+
+"The item of clothes comes to L940," they said.
+
+"Only three figures!" said the Nut. "How did I come to save that odd
+L60, I wonder?"
+
+"Not by any idea of economy," they replied. "Merely a want of time."
+
+"And let's see," said the Nut, "what else does one spend money on? Oh,
+yes, taxis. How much for taxis?"
+
+"Your taxis," they said, "work out at seven shillings a day, or L639 2s.
+0d."
+
+"And tips?" the Nut inquired.
+
+"Tips," they said, "come to L456."
+
+The Nut lay back exhausted and oxygen was administered. He was very near
+the end.
+
+"One thing more," he managed to ask. "What have I paid in cloak-room
+fees for my hat and stick?"
+
+"Only L150," they said.
+
+But it was enough: he fell back dead.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "An extremely able statement of the case for Federation is made
+    up in a little book by Mr. Murray Macdonald and Lord Charnwood,
+    which is just published (T. Fisher Unwin, 22s. 6d.)"--_Daily
+    News._
+
+Look out for a really big book by the same authors, at L22.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We have long waited for a good definition of "tact," and here it is in
+_The Transvaal Leader_:--
+
+    "The police handled the large crowds who assembled at the
+    station with considerable tact. One obstreperous fellow who
+    appeared to be the worse for liquor got the butt-end of a rifle
+    in his jaw after grossly insulting a constable, and he was then
+    chased off by the crowd, who appeared to appreciate the tact of
+    the police."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A chance for Mr. LLOYD GEORGE:--The Deforestation
+of Bootle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Instructor._ "Now then, none of that hupside down flying
+'ere; you ain't in the haviation corps."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FOR PROFESSIONAL SERVICES."
+
+"You know this sort of thing isn't good enough," said I, returning the
+document to Minerva.
+
+"His charges are certainly high," observed the lady of the house; "but I
+don't think, Jack, we could get as good a doctor anywhere for less
+money."
+
+"I don't complain about the charges; I suppose they are all right. What
+I object to is this pompous way of telling me I am in his debt: '_Mr.
+John Spratt to Dr. Thom. For Professional Services to date, Ten
+Guineas_.'"
+
+"But, my dear, they all do it like that."
+
+"Then they shouldn't. Tradesmen give full particulars of all charges
+made for their services: why not doctors?"
+
+"Oh, they would never agree to _that_, Jack!" said Minerva in surprise.
+"It isn't etiquette. After all, a doctor is a doctor!"
+
+"Let us hope so. At times I doubt it. But that is not the story. How do
+you suppose I am to check this account without the necessary details?"
+
+"My dear," exclaimed Minerva, "how positively quaint you are! One never
+dreams of checking a doctor's account; one simply pays. Imagine asking a
+doctor for an invoice! The idea!"
+
+"And a jolly good idea too," I said. "Then we should know where we were.
+Would you pass your butcher's bills if they merely said, '_For
+Commercial Services to date_'?"
+
+"That is quite a different matter. Doctors are not butchers."
+
+"Sometimes surgeons are, so it comes to much the same. Anyhow, I object
+to paying money without knowing what for. Let's apply for an invoice, if
+only for the principle of the thing."
+
+"We'll do nothing of the sort," said Minerva rather sharply. "It sounds
+so mean, Jack, to ask a doctor for a detailed account--almost as if we
+didn't trust him."
+
+"I shall mention that to the butcher next time I see him, and to the
+other tradesmen. It will save you a lot of trouble about the domestic
+accounts."
+
+"Don't be absurd. If you're so anxious to have those petty details I
+think I can remember all the doctor's visits for you, without worrying
+him."
+
+I drew out a sheet of account-paper.
+
+"The first time he came this year," she began, "was to attend Tommy. You
+remember--after that New Year party. He called twice--no, three times to
+see him."
+
+"'_Item_ 1,' I wrote. '_To overhauling and repairing Tommy's tummy, time
+and material, say 15s_.' When Tommy next overeats himself I shall attend
+to his little business myself. Yes?"
+
+"Then there was Aunt Maria who was staying with us and imagined she had
+appendicitis, poor old thing! You remember the specialist, Jack?"
+
+"I remember the specialist's fee--three guineas for absolute tomfoolery!
+'_Item 2. To diagnosing Aunt Maria and failing to find anything wrong
+and recommending appendicitis_.... ' Shall we say a guinea for Aunt
+Maria's put-up job? I ought to get my money back since nothing was found
+in Aunt Maria. There should be at least a discount on false alarms."
+
+"Then there was Baby," continued Minerva. "We didn't know what was wrong
+with him--and really I don't think now there was very much the matter,
+although I felt so anxious at the time. But the doctor never would
+explain fully."
+
+"Of course not; that would be giving the game away. '_Item 3. To baby to
+rights, 2s. 11d_.'"
+
+"Two-and-elevenpence for baby!" protested Minerva. "If Aunt Maria was
+worth a guinea--"
+
+"She was not. I said so at the time."
+
+"--Baby is certainly worth more than two-and-elevenpence."
+
+"Well, make it two pounds eleven. I don't care either way. What I want
+is an approximate idea of the way this fellow makes up his total."
+
+"If he's charging two pounds eleven for all the little he did to Baby,
+he's certainly charging too much, Jack; and you ought to see him about
+it at once."
+
+"Well, what next?"
+
+"That was all, I think.... Oh, no. There was the time about Maudie's
+cold."
+
+"Oh, those kids' colds!"
+
+"Well, my dear, I have spoken to the children about it until I am tired.
+Do be reasonable."
+
+"'_Item 4. To thawing Maudie's chest, lubricating throat, and taking
+hard edge off voice, time and expenses._' ... How much?"
+
+"He was only twice at Maudie, three times at Tommy. What did you put
+down for Tommy?"
+
+"Fifteen bob; but Maudie is bigger than Tommy."
+
+"She is big for her age," reflected Minerva. "I remember asking the
+doctor if he thought she was growing too fast."
+
+"He'd call that a consultation."
+
+"'_Item 5. To advising on rate of speed recommended for Maudie's growth,
+one guinea._'"
+
+"I might have saved that charge," sighed Minerva. "But that was all. How
+much does it come to?"
+
+"Allowing two visits to Maudie to be equal to three visits to Tommy, the
+total bill amounts to six pounds three shillings."
+
+"But that's four pounds seven less than he charges."
+
+"And observe I am allowing two pounds eleven for Baby's fidgets--or
+rather for your fidgets about baby--on the basis of Aunt Maria being
+worth a guinea a whim."
+
+"Two pounds eleven for looking at Baby's tongue every other day when
+there was nothing really the matter with him at all! It's preposterous,
+Jack. There must be something wrong. You must see Dr. Thom at once about
+that account. Call to-morrow, dear, on your way to town."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I called. After all there is, as Minerva says, something inexpressibly
+mean in asking a doctor for a detailed account. This thought occurred to
+me as Dr. Thom shook hands, beaming as usual with that genial
+heart-warming smile of his.
+
+"Ah--er--Doctor--my wife would like to see you first time you're
+passing," I managed to say.
+
+"Nothing serious, I hope?"
+
+"Nothing much. A little matter of detail--that is--I mean Maudie's
+chest--or rather Tommy's stomach."
+
+"Oh, we'll soon put that right, bless you. Don't you worry yourself
+about that, Mr. Spratt. Beautiful morning, isn't it?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A little rough on Tommy, perhaps, but rougher on me.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE AMERICA CUP.
+
+[Illustration: "Here comes two noble beasts in, a moon and a lion."
+
+_A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act. V., Scene 1._
+
+[It is announced that the Defender is to be named _Half Moon_.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WARRANT.
+
+Our village cobbler, Roberts, has reduced the principle, "Put not thy
+trust in any child of man," to its very lowest and worst. He regards
+himself as simply born to be robbed and oppressed. Yet is he so mild and
+uncomplaining and unassuming about it all that no one, even the most
+persistent robber and oppressor, could ever find it in his heart to do
+him down. But even so his pessimism and readiness to be done are such
+that he must make it very hard for people to spare him sometimes. I have
+this story from our local banker, who was called upon by the Income
+Producer Company, Limited (of some obscure address in the City of
+London) to put the matter right.
+
+It appears that Roberts had, after many years of economy, amassed some
+savings, which from the first he regarded as bound to land him in
+trouble. He indulged in twenty L1 shares in the I. P. Co., Ltd., only
+because he had to do something with the twenty pounds. He told everybody
+that he neither expected to see his capital again nor even to get any
+interest on it. He hinted darkly at worse things to come from the
+transaction, though what these might be he didn't pretend to know.
+
+I have no inside knowledge of the I. P. Company, except that its stock
+doesn't appear among the use of Trustee Securities. But whatever
+trustees may think of it, it did declare at the end of 1913 (after a
+somewhat prolonged silence) a decent dividend on its ordinary shares.
+Maybe this was by reason of its innate honesty; maybe it was simply
+because it hadn't the heart to deny his rights to such a man as Roberts.
+Anyhow it declared its dividend, and, what is more, proceeded to pay it
+in the manner usual to limited companies.
+
+And so in due course Roberts received a formidable-looking piece of
+paper, with the title, in very impressive lettering, "DIVIDEND WARRANT,"
+and below the figures L1 8s. 3d.
+
+There must be many, among the uninstructed classes, who have no idea
+what a dividend warrant may be, but few would, I think, at once take the
+dismal view of the thing that Roberts took.
+
+By return of post the Secretary of the Income Producer Company, Limited,
+received an envelope addressed in a shaky hand and enclosing a postal
+order for a pound, together with a letter from Roberts, in which he
+prayed for a few days of grace, in which a poor but honest old man might
+raise the further 8s. 3d. thus demanded of him by legal process.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The bride will be supported by five piers."
+
+    _Evening Standard._
+
+Read this aloud to your wife and see if she isn't jealous. And then try
+her with this from _The Greater Britain Messenger_:--
+
+    "Big Dams and what they mean to the Church."
+
+She ought to be shocked.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _McTavish._ "Noo, ma frien', see me sendin' the wee ba'
+scootin' ower the bonny bur-r-r-n!"]
+
+[Illustration: _McTavish._ (_to caddie_). "Awa', ye great sumph, an'
+tak' it oot o' yon dur-r-r-ty ditch!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+MR. CHARLES INGE has brought to the shaping of _Square Pegs_ (METHUEN)
+some good and healthy thoughts about life and love and the waste of
+both, so that you get a wholesome impression of soundness and sincerity.
+And there's a dedication which makes one think the author is writing of
+realities which have been seen at close quarters. _Bernard Farquharson_,
+the big-hearted colonial, returning to England and seeing the waste of
+potentially good men in preposterous casual jobs which cannot lead
+anywhere, longs to give them the chances of the big spaces in South
+Africa (where, of course, there are no Labour troubles and a man's a man
+for a' that!). He ventures his capital in _The Dictator_, a Fleet Street
+derelict, in order to promote his emigration scheme, and his capital
+departs before either his public or the big-wigs are convinced. I can't
+think that _Bernard_ had really thought out his scheme. And I wonder
+what he would have done if the little band of square pegs he got
+together in desperation hadn't had the sense to refuse his offer to ship
+them over to South Africa with his few remaining sovereigns. They would
+certainly have been in a fine round hole at the other side. But
+_Bernard_ did a better thing. The only emigrant in his party was
+_Leonora_, and I like to think they lived happily ever after on his
+little orange-farm. I can only hope that his rival, _Pike-Sarpe_, a
+horrible little unctuous cad of a solicitor, will shortly do something
+to attract the official attention of the Law Society.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There will, I have no doubt, be joy in many a gentle heart over the glad
+news that Mrs. GEORGE WEMYSS, whose _Professional Aunt_ made for her so
+many friends, has created yet another charming relation. _Grannie for
+Granted_ (CONSTABLE) is the story of a delightful old lady who from her
+country home takes a placid and grandmaternal interest in the affairs of
+her descendants--their love affairs mostly, of course, or the engaging
+chatter of the smaller third generation. Some of the sayings of the
+latter are worthy examples of the "good enough for _Punch_" variety,
+which, as most persons with married friends know too well, is a phrase
+covering a wide range of quality. Most of them, however, are excellent
+and ring true. Of the love-affairs I feel myself a less competent judge,
+but I should fancy their appeal will be compelling to the expert. It is
+perhaps impossible for a book of this type wholly to avoid the charge of
+being sugary or pretty-pretty, but with my hand on my heart I can
+declare that Mrs. WEMYSS has done less to deserve it than most other
+writers would. I shudder, for example, to imagine what certain
+Transatlantic novelists would have done with the same material. In fine,
+here is as pleasant and likeable a treatise on _l'art d'etre
+Grand'-mere_ as anyone need wish to read. I am uncertain as to the
+precise significance of the title, which may refer to the fact that you
+have only to ask a grannie and get what you want, or to the equal truism
+that grandmotherly devotion is often accepted as a matter of course.
+However it doesn't really matter. The important thing is that the public
+have asked Mrs. WEMYSS for "another of the same," and the request has
+been appropriately "granted."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I happen to have incontrovertible proof (of the external kind) that the
+one and only Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON is the author of _The Flying Inn_
+(METHUEN). Otherwise I should have judged, by internal evidence, that it
+was the work of an inferior writer of the same name as himself, and,
+curiously enough, the same initials. Though hesitating to encourage
+litigation I should have been inclined to recommend Mr. CHESTERTON to
+apply as soon as possible for an injunction to restrain this person from
+doing anything further to damage the real G. K. C.'s reputation. I
+should have hinted that every now and then I had come upon a passage
+which might well be the work of the author of _Heretics and Tremendous
+Trifles_, and that only the intolerable dulness of the book as a whole
+persuaded me that it had been written by another hand. It deals with the
+adventures of _Lord Ivywood_ and _Captain Dalroy_, men of opposite views
+on the subject of temperance. _Lord Ivywood_, having by some mysterious
+means (not explained) acquired despotic power in England, issued an
+edict that all inns should be abolished. At the same time he decreed
+that alcoholic liquor might be sold wherever an inn-sign stood. _Captain
+Dalroy_ accordingly stole the sign of "The Old Ship," and carried it
+about with him, setting it up wherever his fancy dictated. And that, on
+my honour as a Learned Clerk, is the whole plot of a fat,
+closely-printed book of more than three hundred pages. I hope I have a
+fairly catholic appreciation of humour; certainly, I can enjoy most
+things, from MEREDITH to the American coloured comic supplement; but
+_The Flying Inn_ was too much for me. It cannot have been easy to write,
+even given useful characters like _Lord Ivywood_ and _Captain Dalroy_,
+whose remarks can be made to run into three or four pages; but it is
+considerably harder to read. There are good things in it, just as there
+is gold (I understand) in sea-water, but the process of extraction is
+tedious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss UNA SILBERRAD's novels are invariably good, and _Cuddy Yarborough's
+Daughter_ (CONSTABLE), is among the best of them. _Cuddy_ himself is
+delightfully irresponsible, and I felt a pang of disappointment when he
+disappeared from the scene, although, considering that he became
+increasingly lazy and comatose as he grew older, his decease, perhaps,
+was not premature. Apart from his affability, _Cuddy's_ only claim to
+distinction lay in the fact that he was the father of his daughter.
+_Violet's_ lot fell in rather stony places; as a child she was
+practically the guardian of her own father, and after his death she was
+governess to the child of a woman as irresponsible as _Cuddy_, but not
+half so comfortable to live with. Men swarmed round this _Lady
+Lassiter_, and she loved most of them. Under the circumstances it was
+fortunate that she had a most unsuspicious and tolerant husband. With no
+hesitation I recommend the tale of _Cuddy_ and his daughter to the
+notice of all except the ultra-moderns. But, lest I should fail as a
+critic if I did no carping, I will say that, though I do not belong to
+any Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Infinitives, I should like
+Miss SILBERRAD to look at page 94, where she will find one that is not
+only split but split to smithereens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the paper wrapper of _Sarah Eden_ (MILLS AND BOON) the publishers
+themselves call it "a novel of great distinction." Filled as I am with
+the natural lust of the reviewer to contradict a publisher about his own
+wares, I am bound to admit that I can find no phrase more apt for the
+impression this book has made upon me. There is exceptional distinction
+in the scheme of Miss E. S. STEVENS' story, and there is even more in
+the grave charm and dignity of its telling. It is the record of the
+development of a singular and beautiful character; "a spiritual
+adventure" might have been its sub-title, for the events in _Sarah
+Eden's_ life were those of mind rather than body. There are two main
+divisions of the story: in the first we watch _Sarah_ from her
+beginnings as a quiet introspective child in her Devon home, and through
+the short course of her unsatisfactory married life. With considerable
+skill the author has here shown the various forces that were at work
+building up the heroine's character, and that strange blending of a
+practical and commanding efficiency with the idealism of a dreamer that
+exactly fitted her for the part she plays in the second half of her
+story. The change comes with the sudden death of her husband, and the
+first of the ecstatic visions that compelled _Sarah Eden_ to leave her
+native country and prepare a place for her Divine Master in the home of
+His first coming. Thenceforward the scene is in Jerusalem, where _Sarah_
+establishes herself at the head of her strange little company of
+fanatics. You can see how large is the plan of such a tale; it is one of
+which you could not reasonably expect a wholly satisfactory ending, and
+to my mind the latter portion is the weaker. But there are some
+delightful scenes of life in modern Jerusalem. And _Sarah Eden_ herself
+remains always a profoundly moving personality. For her alone the book
+deserves to be called "a novel of great distinction."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEHIND THE SCENES IN THE PUBLIC SERVICE.
+
+[Illustration: Municipal inflator preparing a coachman for an important
+public function.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CRY FOR GUIDANCE.
+
+(_In a weekly paper, a correspondent--presumably in the first
+raptures--recommends falling in love as a cure for all worries._)
+
+  It is all very well to go talking like that,
+    But tell me, pray, how does one do it?
+  How feel at the sight of a hobble or hat
+    A passionate impulse to woo it?
+  I'm eager enough of my woes to be rid,
+    But Cupid needs help in the placing
+  Of shafts in a heart that's apparently hid
+    'Neath a tough pachydermatous casing.
+
+  I have mingled with maidens--the tender, the hard,
+    The coy and the clinging--in legions;
+  But none has contrived to inflict on the bard
+   A jolt in the cardiac regions;
+  Must I turn for assistance to science or art,
+    Or put my predicament meekly
+  To "Mona" who handles affairs of the heart
+    In _Sensitive Simperings_ (weekly)?
+
+  Your wonderful cure, my beneficent lad,
+    For me, who am ready to try it,
+  Is robbed of its worth by your failure to add
+    A hint as to how they supply it.
+  So nice a prescription I'm anxious to trust;
+    'Tis milder than pills or emulsion;
+  But I can't _fall_ in love; I require to be thrust,
+    And you ought to supply the propulsion.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+146, February 11, 1914, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 146, FEB. 11, 1914 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22573.txt or 22573.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/5/7/22573/
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+
+
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+
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