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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 150,
+February 2, 1916, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 150, February 2, 1916
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: August 14, 2007 [EBook #22313]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL 150 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Stephen Blundell, Jonathan Ingram and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 150
+
+
+
+February 2, 1916.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+According to the Correspondent of _The Daily Mail_ who described the
+festivities at Nish, the King of BULGARIA "has a curious duck-like
+waddle." This is believed to be the result of his effort to do the
+Goose-Step while avoiding the Turkey-Trot.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the extraction of benzol and toluol from gas for the purpose of
+making high-explosives it is stated that consumers may have to put up
+with some decrease in illuminating power. It is expected, in view of the
+good object involved, that the announcement will be received in a spirit
+of toluoleration.
+
+       ***
+
+We cannot agree with the actor who complains that his manager forbids
+him to wear his armlet on the stage. The sympathies of the audience
+might be entirely deranged by the discovery that the elderly villain was
+an attested patriot while the young and beautiful hero was either
+ineligible or a slacker.
+
+       ***
+
+Describing the depressed condition of the laundry trade a witness at the
+Clerkenwell County Court said, "We are eight million double collars
+short every week." It is shrewdly conjectured that they are in the
+neighbourhood of the Front.
+
+       ***
+
+Nothing in the course of his Balkan pilgrimage is reported to have
+pleased the KAISER so much as a steamer-trip on the Danube. It was
+looking so sympathetically blue.
+
+       ***
+
+The Government is going to close Museums and Picture-galleries to the
+public. No one shall accuse us of being Apostles of Culture.
+
+       ***
+
+It is said that the Australian and New Zealand soldiers now in London
+are very fond of visiting the British Museum, and take a particular
+interest in the Egyptian antiquities. But it is not true that they now
+refer to England as "The Mummy Country."
+
+       ***
+
+Austrians and Hungarians are said to be quarrelling as to whether the
+occupied Serbian territory should eventually belong to the Monarchy or
+the Kingdom, and the jurists on either side are ransacking the history
+of the past for arguments to support their respective cases. Here we
+have another instance of the fondness of learned men for disputing about
+purely academic questions. Serbia will belong to the Serbians.
+
+       ***
+
+An American gentleman, who started out to visit his wife when she was
+staying with her mother and failed to find her after three days' search,
+excuses himself on the ground that he had forgotten her maiden name. He
+puts it down to absence of mind; and his mother-in-law is inclined to
+agree with him.
+
+       ***
+
+Soap is the latest article to be placed on the list of absolute
+contraband; and it is now more certain than ever that the Germans will
+not come out of the War with clean hands.
+
+       ***
+
+In view of the impending paper-famine a widely-circulated journal
+announces its readiness to receive back from the public any parcels of
+old copies marked "waste paper." In the opinion of its trade-rivals the
+inscription is superfluous.
+
+       ***
+
+A suggestion has been made by a Registrar in Bankruptcy that the
+Tercentenary of SHAKSPEARE'S death should be celebrated by the
+performance in every large town of one of the Bard's plays; and some
+regret has been expressed that anybody should take advantage of a
+national celebration to boom his own business.
+
+       ***
+
+"'How many of us realise that, were it not for America, the War to-day
+in Europe, as fought, could not even exist?'" is the question put,
+according to a New York correspondent, "by Mr. Gutzon Borglum, the great
+American sculptor." Still the War has its compensations. But for its
+existence we might never have heard of Mr. GUTZON BORGLUM, the great
+American sculptor.
+
+       ***
+
+A correspondent, describing the recent food riots in Berlin, says that
+they were chiefly due to "women who were fed up with the difficulty of
+providing meals for their families."
+
+       ***
+
+The following notice was found affixed to a building somewhere near the
+Front: "SIR OFFICERS,--Ask the bathroom's key to the office. The
+bathroom shall be wash by the servant after bath. Sir Officer without
+servant shall not have the key." It sounds rather abrupt.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to the Government demand that nothing in the way of unnecessary
+expenditure should be allowed, it is expected that all paid lecturers on
+War Economy and National Thrift will be given a week's notice.
+
+       ***
+
+Opposing a suggestion of the Wandsworth Borough Council to discontinue
+the issue of fiction from the free libraries, a member of the Women's
+Freedom League said that a novel was to a woman what a pipe was to a
+man. Well, not quite, perhaps. We never saw a man begin a pipe at the
+wrong end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THEY OUGHT TO BE AT THE FRONT. THAT'S THE SORT THEY WANT
+THERE."
+
+"THEY WON'T GO, SIR. THEY'RE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTORS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an article by Mr. AUSTIN HARRISON in _The Sunday Pictorial_:--
+
+    "A few strange gentlemen attitudinise in Westminster on
+    principle, but these men would cut capers of principle in any
+    case, like Mr. Snodgrass when he went skating."
+
+Or _Mr. Winkle_ when he wrote verses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In the Continental boat-trains the warning, '_Licht
+    linauslehnen_,' has not been removed from the windows....
+    Occasionally you see that '_Nicht linauslehnen_' has been
+    indignantly pasted over."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The latter is certainly a little more German than the other.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+After a description of the new lighting order:--
+
+    "The regulations will impose a great deal of work on the police,
+    and it is the duty of the public to make it as light as
+    possible."--_Hampshire Observer._
+
+_Lux_, in fact, _a non lucendo_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LONELY LIFE.
+
+    "Nothing but margarine has entered my door since the War
+    began."--_Dr. C. W. SALEEBY in "Daily Chronicle."_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+XXXIV.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--We're having a great time with our new arrival, one of
+those confounded civilians, who are only let into the business because
+the business, in these modern and highly complicated days, cannot be
+carried on without them. He's a jolly old Lieutenant of about fifty
+years; he has a concentrated experience of the world but doesn't
+remember having been mixed up in a big European war before. At first I
+kept on telling him that business is one thing and war is another, but
+he wouldn't see it and persisted in doing and saying and thinking things
+which were bound to land us in a national disaster. He had no respect
+whatever for the Pass Memo., his central and sole idea being to push
+along with the elimination of the Bosch. When he wanted something done,
+he just went to the Top-man of the department, called him "I say," and
+went straight to the point. The Top-man had never been asked to do
+business this way before.
+
+He put up with it a dozen times or so, but finally he had to take steps.
+So he wrote a little note on a Buff slip and addressed it, very rightly
+of course, to the Top-man but one; and the Top-man but one read it and
+passed it very carefully to the Top-man but two; and so, with that
+inevitability which is the hall-mark of the system, it was passed and
+passed and passed until it came (in less than a week) to the office of
+the ancient Lieutenant on the opposite side of the street. And it ran:
+"Lieutenant So-and-So should be notified that it is neither necessary
+nor desirable that he should call personally at this office to transact
+his business. Matters should be put forward by him through the usual
+course of correspondence." The ancient Lieutenant, who wouldn't hurt
+anybody's feelings for the world, felt that it was up to him to put the
+matter right. So he stepped across to the Top-man's office, and when the
+Top-man asked him, somewhat pointedly, if he had received his note, the
+Ancient very genially replied, "Yes, thank you," and explained that he
+had just looked in personally to acknowledge receipt of same.
+
+It sounds as if a dreadful quarrel would be raging between the Ancient
+on one side and on the other the Top-man, the whole series of
+under-Top-men and all persons in any way representing the military
+system. You'd expect to hear that the Ancient's conversation at mess is
+insubordinate, rebellious, or at least bitterly sarcastic. No such
+thing; the old gentleman becomes a more ardent militarist every day;
+wants to see once for all an end of all lawyer-politicians, and all
+so-called "business-men." "We have made a poor show of being civilians,"
+is his point; "let's try being soldiers for a generation or two."
+
+On the whole he thinks we should find it easier to carry on as a British
+Empire in uniform than as a German province in mufti. He says that
+what's wrong with Prussian Militarism is that it is Prussian; to
+succeed, the thing has to be run by gentlemen.
+
+A Top-man honoured our mess the other night. Under the mellowing
+influence of our Curried Bully he unbent somewhat and encouraged the
+Ancient on his pet subject. Under the influence of the latter's theories
+he unbent still further. He discoursed upon the true inwardness of the
+military method of running an office, pausing at last for the Ancient to
+say a few words. "Oh," said he, "I don't allow myself to be put off by a
+trifle like that. There's many a kind heart behind a Buff slip, and we
+all have our little weaknesses." The idea of having a little weakness
+was so novel to the Top-man that it caused him to choke and to be led
+from the mess, eventually, in a state of nervous exhaustion.
+
+The latest information from the trenches goes to support the maxim that
+all one requires to wage war is a bold face and a gas helmet. A very
+distinguished O.C. went up the other day to inspect the trenches of his
+command and to express such views of their faults and the faults of
+their inmates as might occur to him from time to time. He had progressed
+some way up the communication trench, when it struck him that, whereas
+his recent order had been particularly menacing to everyone of whatever
+rank who was discovered there or thereabouts without a gas helmet,
+nevertheless he himself was at that moment innocent of such furniture.
+Fortunately there came from the opposite direction an odds-and-end
+private, with nothing in his favour except the wearing of the well-known
+satchel so much in vogue in Flanders society for the carrying of gas
+helmets. That was enough for the Commander; this was essentially one of
+those privates to be called "My man," and treated as such. Politely but
+firmly he was requested to part with his satchel as a temporary loan to
+his General. Firmly, if respectfully, he refused to comply. Them was his
+orders. The Commander congratulated him on his very proper attitude,
+explained to him the nature of the higher commands and demanded the
+satchel. The man looked like being stony about it, but the Commander
+became irresistibly commanding and got the satchel at last. He buckled
+it on, and the party proceeded, characterising the reluctance of the
+private to part with his treasure as almost an exaggerated sense of
+obedience to printed orders.
+
+Gas helmets always exercise a peculiar fascination for people who
+inspect trenches, and the matter was now especially prominent in the
+mind of the Commander as he marched along, outwardly appearing to be at
+his happiest here, inwardly thanking goodness that his home was
+elsewhere. Conceive his delight to discover a subaltern, fresh from
+ablutions, with no satchel upon him! The subaltern, distinctly aware of
+this amongst his many failings, was all for being passed by as
+insignificant; the Commander was all for a scene. Everybody halted, and
+the air became pregnant with possibilities.... It was a nicely
+calculated speech, leading up gradually to the pointed contrast between
+(_a_) overworked Commander, weighed down with responsibilities, absorbed
+day and night in momentous matters of large principle, nevertheless
+infallible on smallest detail and now in possession of gas helmet, one,
+and (_b_) very junior subaltern, free to enjoy the open-air
+irresponsible life of the trenches, yet neglecting even the few small
+matters entrusted to him, without same.
+
+"And what's more, Sir," he concluded, "I doubt very much whether, if
+someone gave you a helmet now, you'd know what to do with it. Here, take
+mine." (The attendant Brass-hats liked the "mine," but very discreetly
+kept their emotions to themselves.)
+
+It was not a peculiarly clean or remarkably well-packed satchel which
+the trembling hand of the disgraced subaltern took from the Commander,
+and the latter did not intend to let attention dwell too long upon the
+grimy details of its exterior. Fixing the steel eye of conscious
+rectitude on his victim, he leant slightly towards him and very
+unmistakably shouted at him the one dread word, "GAS!".... Unfortunately
+for the Commander the subaltern not only knew what to do next, but also
+had just the physical strength remaining in his fingers to start doing
+it. With the eyes of all upon him (and by this time there had gathered
+round quite a nice little crowd, thoroughly conversant with the event in
+progress), the subaltern opened the satchel alleged to belong to the
+Commander and took from it--no, Charles, not a gas helmet, but a pair of
+socks--and _such_ socks too!
+
+Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SINKING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON BELLONA'S HEM.
+
+THE MISFIRE.
+
+When I entered the third smoker there was, as there now always is, a
+soldier in one corner.
+
+Just as we were starting, another soldier got in and sat in the opposite
+corner. The freemasonry of Khaki immediately setting to work, within two
+minutes they knew all about each other's camp, destination and regiment,
+and had exchanged cigarettes.
+
+The first soldier had not yet left England and was stolid; the newcomer
+had been in the trenches, had been wounded in the leg, had recovered,
+was shortly going back, and was animated. His leg was all right, except
+that in wet weather it ached. In fact he could even tell by it when we
+were going to have rain. His "blooming barometer" he called it. Here he
+laughed--a hearty laugh, for he was a genial blade and liked to hear
+himself talk.
+
+The first soldier did not laugh, but was interested. He thought it a
+convenient thing to have a leg that foretold the weather.
+
+"Which one is it?" he asked.
+
+"The left."
+
+The first soldier was disproportionately impressed.
+
+"The left, is it?" he said heavily, as though he would have understood
+the phenomenon in the right easily enough. "The left."
+
+Completely unconscious of the danger-signals, the second soldier now
+began to unload his repertory of stories, and he started off with that
+excellent one, very popular in the early days of the War, about the
+wealthy private.
+
+For the sake of verisimilitude he laid the scene in his own barracks. "A
+funny thing happened at our place the other day," he began. He had
+evidently had great success with this story. His expression indicated
+approaching triumph.
+
+But no anticipatory gleam lit the face of his new friend. It was in fact
+one of those faces into which words sink as into a sandbank--a white,
+puffy, long face, with a moustache of obsolete bushiness.
+
+"I thought I should have died of laughing," the other resumed, utterly
+unsuspicious, wholly undeterred.
+
+In the far corner I kept my eye on my book but my ears open. I could see
+that he was rushing to his doom.
+
+"We were being paid," he went on, "and the quartermaster asked one of
+the men if he did not wish sixpence to be deducted to go to his wife.
+The man said, 'No.' 'Why not?' the quartermaster asked. The man said he
+didn't think his wife would need it or miss it. 'You'd better be
+generous about it,' the quartermaster said; 'every little helps, you
+know.'"
+
+He paused. "What do you think the man said to that?" he asked his new
+friend. "He said," he hurried on, "'I don't think I'll send it. You see,
+I allow her four thousand a year as it is.'"
+
+The _raconteur_ laughed loudly and leaned back with the satisfaction--or
+at least some of it--of one who has told a funny story and told it well.
+
+But the other did not laugh at all. His face remained the dull thing it
+was.
+
+"You see," said the story-teller, explaining the point, "there are all
+sorts in the Army now, and this man was a toff. He was so rich that he
+could afford to allow his wife four thousand pounds a year. Four
+thousand pounds! Do you see?"
+
+"Oh, yes, I see that. He must have been very rich. Why was he just a
+private?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"Funny being a private with all that money. I wonder you didn't ask
+him."
+
+"I didn't, anyway. But you see the point now. No end of a joke for the
+quartermaster to try and get a man who allowed his wife four thousand a
+year to deduct sixpence a week to send to her! I thought I should have
+died of laughing."
+
+The first soldier remained impassive. "And what happened?" he asked at
+last.
+
+"What happened?"
+
+"Yes, what was done about it? The sixpence, I mean. Did he agree to send
+it?"
+
+The second soldier pulled himself together. "Oh, I don't know," he said
+shortly. "That's not the point."
+
+"After all," the other continued, "the regulations say that married men
+have to deduct sixpence for their wives, don't they?"
+
+"Yes, of course," the other replied. "But this man, I tell you, already
+gave her four thousand a year."
+
+"That doesn't really touch it," said the first soldier. "The principle's
+the same. Now----"
+
+But I could stand the humiliation of the other honest fellow, so
+brimming with anecdote and cheerfulness, no longer; and I came to his
+rescue with my cigarette case. For I have had misfires myself too often.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE TRENCHES THE COSTER DREAMS OF HAPPY DAYS TO COME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Mrs. Ruth Roberts, of Folkestone, celebrates the completion of
+    her 103rd year to-day. She is one of a family of twenty-two, and
+    her father fought with two of her sons at Waterloo."--_Irish
+    Times._
+
+She seems to have been very young for a mother when these family
+dissensions occurred.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Will you allow me to give a warning to Ford owners who, like
+    myself, jack up to obtain an easy start. A few days ago I was
+    doing so as usual with only one scotch. The car jumped the jack,
+    went over the scotch, knocked me down, ran over me, tore my
+    clothes to rags, bruised me all over, tore my flesh and broke my
+    collar-bone, and I think I got off very lightly. Of course that
+    will not happen to me again."--_The Motor._
+
+He will either drink the Scotch first or not have one at all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Customer._ "I SAY, THIS CHICKEN'S A BIT TOUGH. WHERE DID
+YOU GET IT?"
+
+_Manager._ "THEY COME UP IN FRESH LOTS FROM THE COUNTRY THREE TIMES A
+WEEK, SIR."
+
+_Customer._ "WELL, THIS MUST BELONG TO GROUP 45!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FAUNA OF THE FRONT.
+
+Chief among the fauna of the Front is, of course, the Bosch, a
+subterranean animal of unpleasant habits, which is now classed as
+vermin. He has been so thoroughly dealt with elsewhere that I shall
+leave him on one side, and confine my few observations to smaller and
+pleasanter creatures. The remaining fauna of the Front are (1) mice; (2)
+rats; with a few interesting extras, furred and feathered, which deserve
+more serious treatment than I can give them.
+
+At home the mouse is regarded with contemptuous annoyance as a petty but
+persevering thief; while the rat commits his grosser depredations in an
+atmosphere tinged with horror. Out here it is different, for we are
+perforce neighbours. Indeed, we bipeds are in a sense trespassers upon
+the domain of the subterranean peoples. At home one seldom sees a rat or
+mouse save from above, and to look down upon anything is invariably to
+misjudge it. But here we share the hospitality of the underground and
+meet its freehold tenants on a level.
+
+From the earth walls of the sanctuary where this small tribute is
+written mice look down upon our table with its newspaper cover,
+diffidently waiting for us to finish our meal and permit them to dine.
+We regard them as shy visitors--though are we not billeted on them?--not
+as sneaking thieves, and by the light of our candles perceive how sleek,
+bright-eyed, neat-handed and agile they are. In one dug-out I know a
+certain mouse who will drop on your shoulder and sit there a while in
+the friendliest manner, trying in his tiny modest way to play the host.
+Up above, in the open air, they are to be seen in swarms sharing our
+watchfulness. This gun-shaken valley is honeycombed with their little
+round funk-holes, into which they flash at any sudden noise. It is
+merely going downstairs where we are all at home.
+
+The social instincts of the rat are less highly developed. His visible
+visits to the mess are rarer, but we overhear his conversation in his
+tunnels that open on our shelves, the patter of his pink feet across the
+canvas overhead, and the muscular squirming of his body in some tight
+place about the sandbag wainscot. Like a friendly dog he trots about
+your dug-out by night, bumping with trustful carelessness against the
+fragile legs of your rustic bed. You hear him crooning to himself or a
+pal, in his content--a placid, complacent little sound very different
+from the grating squeak or squeal of the unhappy Ishmaels you used to
+know. Certainly he will help himself to a little cake, if such a thing
+is to be had, for he feels at home, as he doubtless wishes you to do. If
+you do not care to share your dainties, you can hang them from the roof.
+
+In the trenches themselves the rat is almost a domestic animal. Town
+rats are lean, persecuted and vicious; nobody loves them. But those who
+hobnob with us here are fed, like our Army, on Army rations, together
+with more than their share of private luxuries, and consequently are
+stout and contented-looking, and display none of the ill-bred and
+disconcerting haste of the hereditary fugitive of our drains and
+cellars. If you happen to stand still and silent for a few moments, you
+will hear some cheery old rascal come sniffing and grunting along the
+parapet, not so much in search of food as to enjoy the air--or so his
+manner would indicate.
+
+Between the Army and these other dwellers in earths and burrows there
+must henceforth be a bond of true sympathy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_La Grèce Antique_: Hellas. _La Grèce Moderne: Hélas!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To be added to our collection "Glimpses of the Obvious":--
+
+    "We feel more than ever that the Past is all behind us and the
+    Future all in front."--_Reading Standard._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a trade circular:--
+
+    "We are installing 15 of our largest size Patent Fool-proof
+    Steam Kettles at Woolwich Arsenal."
+
+Zeppelin crews please note.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAST THOUGHTS ON GALLIPOLI.
+
+  Once more sits Mahomet by Helles' marges
+    And smokes at ease among his cypress-trees,
+  Nor snipes from scrubberies at British targes
+    Nor views them wallowing in sacred seas,
+  But cleans his side-arms and is pleased to prattle
+    Of that great morning when he woke and heard
+  That in his slumbers he had fought a battle,
+    A bloody battle, and a little bird
+  Piped (in the German) at his side, and said,
+  "The something infidels have been and fled."
+
+  Cautious he crept from out his mountain-ditches,
+    Down the long gully, past the Water Towers;
+  By Backhouse Point he nosed among the niches,
+    But they were hushed, and innocent of Giaours;
+  Still fearful found the earthy homes we haunted,
+    Those thirsty stretches where the rest-camps were,
+  Then to the sea slunk on, a trifle daunted
+    By wreathéd wires and every sort of snare,
+  And came at last, incredulous, to find
+  The very beach all blasphemously mined.
+
+  Now on each hand he eyes our impious labels,
+    BOND STREET and REGENT STREET, those weary ways;
+  Here stands the PINK FARM, with the broken gables,
+    Here OXFORD CIRCUS marks a winding maze;
+  But most, I ween, in scarred grave-ridden regions
+    O'er many a battle-scene he loves to brood,
+  How Allah here was gracious to his legions,
+    How here, again, he was not quite so good,
+  Here by the BROWN HOUSE, when the bombs began,
+  And they--don't mention it--they turned and ran.
+
+  And we no more shall see the great ships gather,
+    Nor hear their thundering on days of state,
+  Nor toil from trenches in an honest lather
+    To magic swimmings in the perfect Strait;
+  Nor sip Greek wine and see the slow sun dropping
+    On gorgeous evenings over Imbros' Isle,
+  While up the hill that maxim will keep popping,
+    And the men sing, and camp-fires wink awhile,
+  And in the scrub the glow-worms glow like stars,
+  But (hopeless creatures) will not light cigars;
+
+  Nor daylong linger in our delvéd lodges,
+    And fight for food with fifty thousand flies,
+  Too sick and sore to be afraid of "proj's,"
+   Too dazed with dust to see the turquoise skies;
+  Nor walk at even by the busy beaches,
+    Or quiet cliff-paths where the Indians pray,
+  And see the sweepers in the sky-blue reaches
+    Of Troy's own water, where the Greek ships lay,
+  And touch the boat-hulks, where they float forlorn,
+  The wounded boats of that first April morn;
+
+  Nor wake unhappily to see the sun come
+    And stand to arms in some Cimmerian grot--
+  But I, in town, well rid of all that bunkum,
+    I like to think that Mahomet is not;
+  He must sit on, now sweltering, now frozen,
+    By many a draughty cliff and mountain holt,
+  And, when rude fears afflict the Prophet's chosen,
+    Gird on his arms and madly work his bolt,
+  While round the heights the awful whispers run,
+  "_The bard of PUNCH is landing with his gun._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONDESCENSION.
+
+    "THROUGH STRESS OF WAR Baronet's Niece will ORDER a Gentleman's
+    HOUSEHOLD."--_The Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
+
+No. XXXIV.
+
+(_From the Frau Professor TINTENKLECKS._)
+
+ALL-MIGHTIEST KAISER,--With the humblest assurance of my everlasting
+respect I desire to lay bare to you, since you are without doubt the
+Father of your People, my inmost thoughts as to this terrible War in
+which we have now for eighteen months been engaged. I have some right, I
+think, for my husband is that same Professor Tintenklecks whose
+_opusculum_ on "International Law in Relation to World Power" was
+received with special favour by your Majesty, who summoned the beloved
+writer to your Palace, and with your own gracious right hand were
+pleased to beat him with some force on his back, saying that "this
+Tintenklecks is a tremendous fellow, and there should be more such in the
+world." How well I remember that evening--it was a year before the War--and
+how in honour of the Professor we had a Poetry supper, at which each guest
+recited some verses of praise, and at the end little Amalie Siegeltisch,
+the daughter of our colleague, placed on the brows of the Professor
+a laurel-wreath which, however, pricked his with-much-hair-unadorned
+head, and had therefore, after a great deal of pleasant witticisms,
+to be taken off.
+
+So when the War at last broke out my husband and I were amongst the
+loudest Hosannah-shouters and singers of true German patriotic songs,
+for we believed then that the War would be a short one, and that after a
+few great victories we should make a brilliant peace on our own terms,
+having utterly smashed all our enemies and having taken England's
+war-ships and her colonies for our own. "Long he cannot last," said my
+Professor, speaking of the War. "The French are a degenerate race, and
+we shall be in Paris in a month. The English are given up to games, and
+their mercenary army--I have it on the highest authority--cannot for a
+moment stand against our German heroes. The Russians are slow and
+disorganised and useless for war. For me you need not be afraid, my
+dear. In this war a man of my age will not be required." So he spoke;
+and now where is he and what has become of him? He has lost a leg, his
+right hand has been shot through, and he is in a hospital in Poland.
+Shall I ever see him again, I wonder.
+
+Well, we have had victories in plenty, according to the Generals. Every
+time we move from one place to another we gain, it seems, an
+overwhelming triumph and cause to fly every one who is opposed to us.
+Twice already your Majesty has announced that before the leaves fell
+from the trees there would be peace, and our brave soldiers would return
+safely to their homes; but, alas, it has not so happened, and the
+dreadful fighting still goes on, and many thousands of our women lose
+their fathers, their husbands, and their sons. With every victory (as
+they call it) peace, which should be nearer at hand, seems to retire
+further and further away, and only sorrow and wretchedness come close to
+us. And that is not all. Our food, like everything else we have to buy,
+is so dear that we women find it above all things difficult to provide
+ourselves with what we need for our daily life, and the worst of it,
+they say, has not yet come. I could understand that if we had been
+defeated; but we have been ever victorious and yet we are in want. It is
+useless for Pastor Hassmann to tell us on Sundays that we must endure to
+the end. We are prepared to do what we can, but we think, too, that
+since we have been so magnificently victorious we should have peace
+quickly, so that we may all once more try to have some happiness in this
+world.
+
+  I remain, in the deepest devotion,
+
+    Your loyal, KUNEGUNDE TINTENKLECKS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE DOMESTIC DRAMA.
+
+WHAT A LITTLE CHILD CAN DO.
+
+[Illustration: "MUMMY, WHERE DOES DADDY GO EVERY NIGHT AFTER DINNER?"]
+
+[Illustration: ALAS! HE GOES TO THE ELYSIAN CLUB--NUMBER 301A, SOHO
+SQUARE.]
+
+[Illustration: "HULLO, DADDY! I'SE COME TO SEE 'OO."]
+
+[Illustration: THE CLUB IS SURROUNDED BY THE POLICE.]
+
+[Illustration: "WE ARE THE CARETAKER'S LITTLE CHILDREN."]
+
+[Illustration: WHAT A LITTLE CHILD CAN DO.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WOT'S COME OVER YOUNG GINGER?"
+
+"OW! THERE'S NO TORKIN' TO 'IM SINCE 'IS BRUVVER TOOK UP WIV LORD
+DURBY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDITATIONS OF MARCUS O'REILLY.
+
+LUCY.
+
+We called her Lucy because she came from the country and "dwelt on a
+wide moor." We never knew her real name.
+
+She came like a ray of sunlight into our dull sordid town once a week
+with immaculate white apron, wearing a cap of an older, honester world,
+carrying a basket of delicious country butter made up in appetising
+rolls. On the clean napkin which covered the top of the basket always
+reposed a huge door-key, "to keep," she said, "the butter from turning."
+And the white hair of her and those wonderful blue eyes which looked you
+through and through! No wonder my wife was in love with her and refused
+from that time to eat the dull town-grocer's wares.
+
+My wife often muses as to the real cause of the general superiority of
+dwellers in the country over the apologies for humanity who live in
+towns. She says it is moral fibre. She comes from the country herself
+and is quite unbiassed. For me I think it must be living so much amongst
+sheep and lambs and woolly things.
+
+I shouldn't have said myself that our town butter was without fibre, but
+this is a matter of taste.
+
+My wife would often close her eyes when eating Lucy and conjure up
+pictures of her own simple girlhood days, of the country rectory, of the
+rooks singing matins and vespers in the trees. Country people often get
+like this over an egg at breakfast. I didn't eat Lucy myself, as my
+taste is ruined by my vicious town breeding; besides, Lucy was a luxury
+in war-time, and Dossett's Genuine Creamery has for me a meatier savour.
+
+Cecilia always gave Lucy more than the market value for her butter and a
+cup of tea besides, while they chatted occasionally over things dear to
+rural hearts, accidents by flood and field, turnips and parochial
+vestries. My wife used to marvel at the superior firmness of Lucy's
+butter, which was ever the same, Lucy's explanation being that she had a
+wonderfully cool hand.
+
+Our local inspector, a man of the latest and most scientific knowledge,
+confirmed this statement. In introducing Lucy to our resident magistrate
+he said she was the coolest hand he had ever known. It was a bad case.
+It had ten per cent. too much of this, and fifteen per cent. too much of
+that, and the rest was the cheapest margarine and stirring. There wasn't
+a cow within five miles of her place and he didn't believe she had ever
+seen one.
+
+We haven't met Lucy since. My wife says that WORDSWORTH was often taken
+in, just like that. And she has heard, anyhow, that Lucy was born in
+Bradford. So that it proves nothing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Hymn for Volunteer Corps digging trenches for the defence of London:--
+
+    "O Parados! O Parados! 'tis weary working here!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The baby should go out every day, except when it is
+    storming."--_New York Sunday Herald._
+
+In that case try a wind-pill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To-day's Russian communiqué says:--
+
+    In Persia, on the road to Kermanshah, we have occupied the town
+    of Kangavar.
+
+    Note.--Kangavar is a town of 15-3/4-3/4 inhabitants in the
+    Province of Ardilan."--_Aberdeen Evening Express._
+
+This is carrying accuracy to an extreme, even for Scotland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CHALLENGE.
+
+"HALT! WHO COMES THERE?" "NEUTRAL." "PROVE IT!"]
+
+["What I would say to Neutrals is this: Do they admit our right to apply
+the principles which were applied by the American Government in the War
+between North and South--to apply those principles to modern conditions
+and to do our best to prevent trade with the enemy through neutral
+countries? If the answer is that we are not entitled to do that, then I
+must say definitely that it is a departure from neutrality."--_Sir
+EDWARD GREY._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, January 24th._--At Question time House
+crowded in response to urgent Whip issued in anticipation of division on
+Third Reading of Military Service Bill. Members ready to vote;
+disinclined to remain to hear speeches, delivered on Second Reading and
+Committee stages, reiterated by small minority on Report. Thus it came
+to pass that when on stroke of half-past nine this milestone passed,
+Benches were almost empty.
+
+Filled up when Third Reading moved, and debate lamely set on foot again.
+WALTER LONG, who has greatly helped BONAR LAW in his successful
+management of Bill, set good example by moving Third Reading without
+additional word of comment or argument. Example thrown away. More last
+words spoken under embarrassing accompaniment of private conversation
+and other signs of impatience.
+
+Shortly after eleven o'clock division taken, revealing existence of
+solid minority of three dozen. Oddly enough, whilst rattling majority on
+Second Reading was hailed with enthusiastic cheering, that on Third
+Reading was heard in silence, Members hurrying off in search of taxis.
+
+_Business done._--By majority of 347, in House of 419 Members, Military
+Service Bill read a third time and passed on to Lords.
+
+_House of Lords, Tuesday._--Military Service Bill turned up for Second
+Reading. Full attendance and a gathering of Commoners in their pen above
+Bar seemed to indicate important debate. Turned out to be only less dull
+than that which slumbered round closing stage in the Commons. LANSDOWNE
+pluckily endeavoured to give note of novelty to topic by saying "not
+what the Bill was but what it was not." Even this ingenious device did
+not succeed in investing proceedings with anything approaching
+animation.
+
+The WEARY WEARDALE, who through long public life has tried in succession
+both branches of the Legislature and found them equally withered, was
+doubtful whether the measure would appreciably affect its avowed purpose
+of increasing number of men with the Colours. With instinct of good
+Liberal--in his time PHILIP STANHOPE was known in the Commons as an
+almost dangerous Radical--he turned and rent "certain leaders who have
+surrendered a precious principle and in so doing are undermining the
+authority and existence of the whole Liberal Party." Still, though
+prospect was gloomy, he would not despair.
+
+"The Liberal Party," he said, "will rise again" (HALSBURY shook his head
+doubtfully) "and will shed the leaders who have deserted it."
+
+Having thus delivered his soul WEARY ONE did not challenge a division.
+
+_Business done._--Military Service Bill read second time without
+division.
+
+_House of Commons, Wednesday._--Once more, the last time in history of
+session of unparalleled length and importance, House crowded. Peers'
+Gallery full. From Diplomatic Gallery the United States, Norway, Sweden,
+Denmark and Holland, represented by their Ministers, looked on, eagerly
+listening.
+
+Resolution, moved by SHIRLEY BENN, urged Government to enforce against
+enemy a blockade as effective as possible. In one of his comprehensive,
+quietly delivered and powerful speeches EDWARD GREY showed that
+situation is not so easily managed as amateur diplomatists below the
+Gangway believe, or as fractious newspapers, bent on damaging the
+Government even if the Empire falls, assert. Explained in detail steps
+taken by Foreign Office to deal with it. House listened critically but
+approvingly. Took note of fact that FIRST LORD OF ADMIRALTY emphatically
+cheered denial of one of the malicious rumours current--that in the task
+of preventing supplies reaching the enemy the Foreign Office spoils the
+work of the Navy.
+
+Sharp, almost angry burst of cheering greeted passage towards close of
+speech in which FOREIGN SECRETARY declared that maximum effort in this
+country, whether military, naval or financial, is at the disposal of our
+Allies in carrying on the War against Prussian militarism.
+
+"With them," he confidently but still quietly said, "we will see it
+through to the end."
+
+Speeches following expressed general satisfaction with this statement,
+supplemented by one addressed to neutrals. Courteously assured them of
+desire not to make things unnecessarily irksome. But pointed out that in
+the matter of preventing supplies reaching the enemy by circuitous
+routes Great Britain has her own work to do and means to do it
+thoroughly.
+
+_Business done._--Resolution advocating effective blockade talked out.
+
+THURSDAY.--Parliament prorogued. Reversing CHARLES LAMB'S conscientious
+habit at the India Office, where, having arrived late, he made up for it
+by going away early, Parliament, having toiled through exceptionally
+long Session, treats itself to briefest possible recess. Reassembles
+15th February.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REDUCED IMPORT OF PAPER: WHAT WE MAY COME TO.
+
+_Mr. Runciman._ "AH, WELL, ONE MISSES THE OLD WEALTH OF FLATTERY; STILL,
+ONE MUST MAKE SACRIFICES FOR ONE'S COUNTRY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIANA UP TO DATE.
+
+    "MANAGERESS (35), thorough business woman, accustomed to control
+    stag."--_Women's Employment._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of the reception of British soldiers in Rome:--
+
+    "As the hour for departure approached the band played
+    alternately the 'Marcia Reale' and 'Rule, Britannia,' while our
+    men sang 'Tipperary.'"--_The Times._
+
+We fear the proceedings were not so harmonious as we had been led to
+suppose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "GENTLEMAN'S SHOOTING ESTATE for Sale, 240 acres, or would Let
+    on Lease; near London Bridge."--_Advt. in "The Standard."_
+
+Shooting the arches is splendid sport.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "2.45 A.M.--When Grossmith lit a cigarette someone said, 'This
+    is all right. We bring a civilian here, and he lights up within
+    hailing distance of the Germans.'
+
+    2.46 P.M.--Grossmith put out his cigarette."--_Daily Mirror._
+
+Now that tobacco is going up again it would be a boon to smokers if Mr.
+GROSSMITH would tell us how he keeps a cigarette going for twelve hours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The fire which broke out at Bergen on Saturday was mastered by
+    three o'clock on Sunday morning. About 400 buildings, mostly
+    very valuable property, were destroyed. The value of the houses
+    which were burnt down is about £1,111,111, and the total damage
+    is estimated at £5,555,555."--_Edinburgh Evening News._
+
+The exactitude of these figures would convince even an insurance
+company.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Lady._ "THAT'S ONE OF THEM AUSTRALIAN SOLDIERS."
+
+_Second Lady._ "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
+
+_First Lady._ "WHY, CAN'T YOU SEE THE KANGAROO FEATHERS IN HIS HAT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLEA OF THE HOMELESS.
+
+Most of the petitions from natives which find their way into print for
+the removal of the white man's gravity hail from our Indian Empire. But
+the Babu's monopoly can be assailed. The following recent and genuine
+example is from West Africa:--
+
+    _"To Sir ---- ----, Commander of the New Work Shops._
+
+    "Sir, read to the end!
+
+    "DEAR BRITISH COMMANDER OF INFLUENCE,--I am with cordial
+    gratitude to put this pen before you, saying since I came down
+    from my native land I had been trie for a house, even by
+    rentable, but none for me in that village, where I lieve still.
+    But a certain friend of mine do advice me to stay with him,
+    during the last December up to now. And yet that young man's
+    wife has come from his native land, with these there is no room
+    before me at all. Therefore I wish with my lowly voice to beg
+    your honour to find me even a half house of your kitchen at any
+    place where you like, or either the same place where I am. By
+    your own desire. Please Sir if not! try and get me a boards such
+    as a glass packing cases and a few planks for poles. But Sir I
+    know myself very well, that it will be very difficulty before
+    you, simple because you have none of carpenters. Therefore do
+    try by your own authority to supply me those boards and planks,
+    and I shall find myself a joiner as a day contract to build it
+    for me! because my elder brother also shall help. Therefore dear
+    Lord I hope you shall give ear for my lowly speak and then have
+    mercy on your meekly servant with good reply. I have the most
+    honour to be Sir
+
+    "Your humble Clerk."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR "INELIGIBLES" ONLY.
+
+    "WANTED, Bricklayers for pointing 12 houses at Belvedere;
+    peacework."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL MODESTY.
+
+      "M. JACOB & CO.,
+  CONFECTIONER AND GLACIER.
+      Pastry of sorts."
+
+              _Madras Mail._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ZEAL OF THE CONVERT.
+
+Sir THOMAS WHITTAKER, M.P., as reported by _The Yorkshire Evening Post_:
+
+    "Objection to compulsion on principle was all nonsense.
+    Compulsion was the only safe-guard we had against anarchy,
+    barbarism, law, order, justice, and freedom."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CROMWELLIANA.
+
+    "On Friday last a centenarian passed away at Whithall, Galway,
+    in the person of Mrs. Catherine Hynes, who had attained the
+    remarkable age of 102. The old lady had a remarkably retentive
+    memory, recalling with ease incidents which occurred three
+    generations ago. Her recollection of Cromwell's campaign was
+    particularly clear."--_Connacht Tribune._
+
+    "The other alien peer is the twelfth Viscount Taaffe, of the
+    Irish peerage, an Austrian subject, as his predecessors have
+    been since their estates were confiscated by Cromwell after the
+    Battle of the Boyne."--_Sunday Times._
+
+The late Mrs. HYNES was perhaps the authority for this statement.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ALLIES' WARSHIPS KEEP TURKS ON TENDER HOOKS AT
+    GALLIPOLI."--_Express and Echo (Exeter)._
+
+This is rather hard on the enemy, who thought the Allies had taken their
+hook long ago.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE FRONT.
+
+Home again! The base softened its heart on the very morning on which I
+had practically decided to attend a parade next day if I were called in
+time, and released me with an enormous command to conduct to the War. I
+told the senior N.C.O. at the station of entrainment that I would regard
+him as personally responsible if he dropped any of the men on the line
+or under the engine on the way up, and was just off to look for food
+when the R.T.O. told me the train was due out in two minutes. After
+making quite sure that he wasn't a Major I reminded him that for that
+matter the War had been due to be over last September; also that I had
+used some of his trains before and that he couldn't teach me
+two-pennyworth about them I hadn't known from childhood. This I said
+courteously but firmly, and thereafter felt better and bought eight
+boiled eggs, a ham sandwich made so hastily that the ham came to be
+altogether omitted, three oranges, and a large mineral-water. The train
+was in the station for three-quarters-of-an-hour after I returned. I
+passed the time pleasantly by walking up and down in front of the R.T.O.
+
+And now I am here. Glory apart, I could think for a long time without
+hitting on anywhere beastlier to be except perhaps just the other side
+of a breastwork thirty yards off where the Bosch has been dropping heavy
+crumps in threes with monotonous regularity since an indecent hour this
+morning. I have been partly asleep, partly waiting for one to drop
+thirty yards short. There is no one to talk to except a chaffinch, who
+thinks of nothing but his appearance. If I thought of mine I should go
+mad. I am wet under and through and over everything--wet, not with rain,
+but with mud. You have heard that there is mud in Flanders?
+
+But the worst part really is the number of hours in a day; we have as
+many as ten nowadays in which movement is simply not done. Where dawn
+finds you, dusk releases you. That is here; I believe we have some real
+trenches somewhere behind. But we of the ten hours' stretch run out of
+employment early in the morning and remain there the rest of the day. Of
+course you can eat--if your rations really came up last night--but not,
+I think, continuously for ten hours. A very inferior officer--not I--has
+invented a recipe for the ten-hour day which may appeal to some
+similarly loose-ended officer. You take an air-pillow and lie with your
+gum-booted feet on it till the position becomes intolerable; then you
+remove the pillow, sit up and pick the mud off it. When it's clean you
+do the same thing again. One tour of this duty will take an hour if you
+are conscientious. Its inventor claims that it makes the sun fairly
+bustle down the sky.
+
+There are advantages in solitary feeding. Haven't you ever wanted, when
+confronted with a lunch tongue, to hack out all the nice tonguey bits
+for yourself and leave the bully beef parts to be used for soup or some
+other domestic economy? Well, I hack out the tonguey bits every day.
+True, I usually have to eat the bully beef parts next meal, but--_à la
+guerre comme à la guerre_--I always might have been casualtied between
+meals, and then think what a fool I'd feel over my failure to make the
+most of the first.
+
+I've come to the conclusion that this Army isn't really fair. Some
+regiments I've met always seem to be doing three weeks' rest down
+Boulogne or Nice or somewhere like that. Thrice and four times have I
+come and come back to this battalion, and every blessed time they've
+been either in trenches when I arrived, or situated directly behind the
+trenches and going up, it might be, to make some more.
+
+Sometimes we go up to dig, sometimes to carry, sometimes both. On the
+night of my re-arrival I went up with the digging party, and have the
+honour to report the following conversation between a certain one of our
+diggers and a friend who loomed up carrying about four engineer
+dug-outs, two coils of barbed wire, and a maul. You could just make out
+the man under it all as he stumbled erratically along a mud-ridden
+track.
+
+"'Ello, Steve," says the digger, "wot's yer game to-night?"
+
+Steve stopped for a second to look at his interrogator and then observed
+genially as he moved on,
+
+"Oh, just killin' time, you know."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer._ "WHY DO YOU THINK HE WOULDN'T MAKE A GOOD
+CORPORAL?"
+
+_Sergeant (indicating sentry)._ "_'IM_ A CORPORAL! LOR LUMME! WHY, 'IS
+NAME'S CLARENCE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TERCENTENARY TWITTERINGS.
+
+The letters that follow are only a small selection from those that have
+been inadvertently forwarded to us in response to the appeal of _The
+Westminster Gazette_ for suggestions as to the most appropriate method
+of celebrating SHAKSPEARE'S tercentenary:--
+
+
+A HINT TO GREATER BRITAIN.
+
+The name of the new capital of the Australian Commonwealth is not
+irrevocably fixed, and it seems to me that a splendid opportunity is now
+offered our brethren overseas to commemorate the genius of the foremost
+British man of letters by linking his name with the new Antipodean
+metropolis. I should not venture to dictate the exact form which it
+should take, but "Willshake" seems to me to meet the requirements of the
+case very happily, though the claims of "Avonbard" also deserve
+consideration.
+
+                                            PHILLIBERT HARKER.
+
+
+BIRD AND BARD.
+
+As SHAKSPEARE overtopped all other men, so should his memorial tower
+over all other monuments. I cannot help thinking that the re-erection of
+the Wembley Tower in the form of a gigantic swan soaring into the
+empyrean to the height of say two or three thousand feet would prove a
+satisfactory solution of the problem. Whether it should be black or
+white is a question which might be referred to a small committee of
+experts, such as Sir SIDNEY LEE, Sir HERBERT TREE and Miss MARIE
+CORELLI.
+
+                                            MILE END.
+
+P.S.--A good alternative method of celebrating the tercentenary of
+SHAKSPEARE would be the execution on Shakspeare Cliff, at Dover, of a
+colossal portrait of the immortal dramatist, somewhat on the scale of
+the famous "White Horse." Once the outline had been marked out by a
+competent artist the rest of the work could be easily completed
+_gratis_ by the Volunteers, and the total cost would be negligible.
+
+
+A FRUGAL SUGGESTION.
+
+I venture to think that no better way of paying homage to the genius of
+SHAKSPEARE could be devised than for all the newspapers throughout the
+country to devote their best pages on the day to suitable extracts from
+his works. This arrangement has the extra inducement of being economical
+as well as appropriate.
+
+                                            REGINALD JOBSON,
+                                            _Registrar in Bankruptcy_.
+
+
+A GREAT SCIENTIST SPEAKS OUT.
+
+What we want is to convert SHAKSPEARE into a genuine educational
+instrument, and that is impossible so long as he is only available in
+his present archaic form. A new edition of the Plays, purged of their
+classicism and romanticism and expressed in language of scientific
+accuracy, is peremptorily demanded in the interests of national
+efficiency.
+
+                                            X. RAY, F.R.S.
+
+
+A FASTIDIOUS CRITIC.
+
+You ask me, "What are my own personal plans in connection with the
+anniversary?" It is on record that a very distinguished divine stayed in
+bed on the day following the announcement of the death of Lord
+BEACONSFIELD, so as to avoid the horrid temptation of reading what was
+said about him in the newspaper, which was the divine's pet aversion. I
+propose to follow this excellent example on Shakspeare Day.
+
+                                            T. H.
+
+
+AMERICA'S GREATEST POET SENDS GREETING.
+
+  From across the stormy ocean,
+  Prompted by a deep emotion,
+    I despatch my salutation on a card;
+  For although I cannot meet thee
+  In the flesh, I still can greet thee,
+    WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, as a worthy brother bard.
+
+  In these times of stress and passion,
+  When the sword is all the fashion,
+    Only minstrelsy can keep the world in tune;
+  For the poet is a healer,
+  And both WILL and ELLA WHEELER
+    Are a blessing and a comfort and a boon.
+
+
+A CEMETERIAL CELEBRATION.
+
+No memorial to SHAKSPEARE can be adequate which does not express in some
+concrete shape the universality of his appeal. This end might be
+attained by erecting a cenotaph in his honour in every churchyard and
+cemetery in England. I admit that such a scheme would cost money and so
+might be contrary to the spirit of economy which ought to animate
+everyone at this hour. But a beginning might be made even now, and I
+have composed a Funeral March in _Hamlet_ the proceeds of which I would
+gladly devote to the purpose,
+
+                                            ALGERNON BROOKWOOD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW TO TALK TO THE WOUNDED.
+
+"WHAT THE BOSCHES CAN'T STAND, YOU KNOW, MA'AM, IS COLD STEEL."
+
+"YES, I SUPPOSE IT GETS _VERY_ COLD THIS TIME OF YEAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SHORT WAY WITH LECTURERS.
+
+    "To-morrow the Central Methodist Mission will celebrate the
+    anniversary of its rescue and social work. The Sisters of the
+    people are to take part in the morning service, and in the
+    afternoon Mr. ---- is killed for an address on 'The Social
+    Outlook.'"--_Sydney Daily Telegraph._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The KAISER to FERDINAND:--
+
+    "I have begged your Majesty to accept the dignity of Prussian
+    Field-Marshal, and I am with my Amy happy that you, by accepting
+    it also in this sense, have become one of us."--_Irish Paper._
+
+GERMAN EMPRESS, to her husband: "And who is Amy?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"PLEASE HELP EMILY."
+
+The date at which _Emily_ needed so much assistance was clearly _ante
+bellum_, for there is no mention of hostilities, no gun-fire is heard
+from the direction of Westende, and Belgium is still bathing. But it
+must have been only just before the War, for the emancipation which the
+female sex here enjoys is marked by an extreme modernity. A decade or
+two ago we might have been shocked at the spectacle of a young lady
+turning up at a bachelor's flat at 9 A.M. on a Sunday in a ball-frock,
+after a night out at a dancing-club. Lately we have learnt to bear such
+escapades without flinching. But it was not so with _Emily's_ guardian,
+_Sir Samuel Lethbridge_, very Victorian in his stuffy prejudice in
+favour of the decencies; and it was necessary to put him off with a tale
+of her sudden departure to Brussels to render first aid to an aunt
+stricken with mumps. In order to give colour to this fabrication _Emily_
+urges _Dick Trotter_, the bachelor of the flat (as soon as he returns
+from his own night out), to conduct her to the alleged invalid. He
+consents, but not without protest, for he is a _roué_ of the old school
+and cannot approve of these platonic adventures; besides, he is about to
+_se ranger_ by marriage with somebody else and (a matter of detail, but
+most inconvenient) is under contract to take her to Brighton for the
+day.
+
+A fairly preposterous start, you will say; yet the delightful
+naturalness which Miss GLADYS COOPER and Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY bring to
+the situation gives it almost an air of possibility. But, once we are at
+Ostend, and have been introduced to _Trotter's_ incredibly inappropriate
+fiancée (she is a niece of the same aunt and has followed under
+protection of a tame escort), we are prepared to launch freely and
+fearlessly into the rough and tumble of farce.
+
+It is in vain that Miss GLADYS COOPER, over her _petit déjeuner_,
+preserves a natural demeanour, even to the point of talking with her
+mouth full; the light humour of the First Act declines to the verge of
+buffoonery. The devastating confusions which ensue in the matter of
+identity and relationship (in our author's Ostend you assume, till
+corrected, that all couples are married); the intervention of the local
+gendarmerie, headed by a British detective; the arrest of half the party
+(including the aunt, arrived in perfect health and ignorance _en route_
+for England) on a nameless charge in connection with _Emily's_ suspected
+abduction--all this is in the best Criterion manner.
+
+[Illustration: EMILY GIVES DICK THE GLADYS EYE.
+
+  _Richard Trotter_  Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY.
+  _Emily Delmar_     Miss GLADYS COOPER.]
+
+In the Third Act, though we never recover the rapture of the First, the
+humour touches a higher level; but what it gains in _finesse_ it loses
+in spontaneity. Here we meet _Emily's_ father, returned from lecturing
+in the States on social ethics. The scandal of his daughter's conduct
+leaves him indifferent, for a long and varied experience of the morals
+of many lands, in the course of which he has married as many as eighteen
+wives, having made a point of adopting for the time being the
+system--polygamous or other--of the country in which he happens to find
+himself, has taught him that nothing is right or wrong except as local
+opinion makes it so. We are allowed to gather that heredity may have had
+some influence in the moulding of _Emily's_ character; and if we may
+hope for its continuance into the next generation there seems every
+prospect that the children she may bear to _Trotter_ (now released from
+_Julia_ and free to marry the right woman) will not have their
+development hampered by excess of prudery.
+
+Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY as _Trotter_ played with his old easy skill and
+seemed to take a more than usual interest in the play. He was supported
+(as they say) by a particularly brilliant cast, including Miss LOTTIE
+VENNE as the aunt, Mr. ERIC LEWIS as _Emily's_ father, Mr. FREDERICK
+KERR as _Sir Samuel_, Miss HELEN HAYE in the thankless part of _Julia_,
+and Mr. NIGEL PLAYFAIR as a self-effacing phantom of a lover. All were
+in great form; but, next to Miss GLADYS COOPER, whose natural charm and
+ingenuous _espièglerie_ were a perpetual delight, I offer my profoundest
+compliments to the short but extraordinarily clever performance of Mr.
+H. R. HIGNETT as _Trotter's_ man _Francis_. This is the day of stage
+valets, but he was an exceptional treasure. To a quiet taste for
+philosophy he added an infinite tact; and by the lies which he poured
+into the telephone to cover his master's breach of engagement to _Julia_
+he moved _Emily_, herself a gifted artist, to admiration.
+
+The author, Mr. H. M. HARWOOD, must be congratulated on a farce that at
+its best was really excellent fun. And he may take it for flattery, if
+he likes, when I say that a good deal of his dialogue might be adapted
+into the French without offending our gallant Allies on the ground of a
+too insular squeamishness. O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE INDURATION.
+
+  Think not, dear love, because my cheek
+    With grief grows neither grey nor hollow,
+  Because no pharmacist I seek
+    In quest of arsenic to swallow,
+  Because I do not wince and weep
+    By day and night for cardiac pains,
+  That my fond passion falls on sleep,
+    Or, secondly, my worship wanes.
+
+  For these are strenuous days of strife
+    That steel the soul of every Briton;
+  Sterner and stronger grows our life
+    Till simple bards become hard-bitten;
+  So when, each Thursday, I propose
+    (As usual) to wed my fair,
+  I frankly find her changeless "No's"
+    Not half so poignant as they were.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an almanack of appropriate quotations:--
+
+          "JANUARY 27.
+            Thursday.
+    _German Emperor born_, 1859.
+
+  O welcome, pure-ey'd Faith, white-handed Hope,
+  Thou hovering angel, girt with golden wings.--_Milton._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "If men well up in years would cultivate a habit of breathing
+    properly and always holding themselves erect when walking and
+    sitting, we would find fewer elderly people bent double when we
+    do."--_Daily Express._
+
+Our gay contemporary has been caught bending on this occasion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "He asked the Government not to muzzle the ox that laid golden
+    eggs."--_The Daily Argosy (Demerara)._
+
+It wasn't really an ox; it was a bull.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a country retail chemist's appeal to the Local Tribunal for his
+son's exemption from Military Service:
+
+"I cannot dispense with him"--or, presumably, without him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ONCE BIT, TWICE SHY.
+
+_Sporting Lawyer._ "IF YOU'LL TAKE MY ADVICE YOU'LL COME TO THE BRIDGE!"
+
+_Old Farmer._ "NA FEAR! SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE FOR T' ADVICE? I'D RATHER
+CHANCE A DUCKIN'."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+When _Hargrave Ladd_, who was a solicitor in a very fair way of
+business, with an agreeable but unemotional wife, happened to be getting
+into an omnibus at the moment when _Stella Rayne_ fell off the top of
+it, he unconsciously put himself in the way of a lot of bother.
+Naturally, as a gentleman and the male protagonist of a novel--_Let Be_
+(METHUEN)--he could do no less than pick the girl out of the mud and see
+her home in a cab. Whether, quite strictly speaking, he need have called
+next day to see how she was getting over the accident is another matter.
+Certainly his interfering aunt, _Mrs. Dering_, was of the opinion that
+_Hargrave_, as a married man, was displaying an excess of courtesy
+towards the pretty tumbler. As for Miss SYBIL CAMPBELL LETHBRIDGE, who
+has written the tale, she gives no indication of her views one way or
+the other. Indeed this attitude of humorous tolerance for humanity is
+Miss LETHBRIDGE'S most striking characteristic. It is at once a source
+of strength and weakness to the book, making, on the one hand, for the
+reality of the characters, and, on the other, for a certain
+non-conductiveness of atmosphere that robs their emotions of warmth.
+Anyhow, the inevitable happens, and _Hargrave_ falls in love with
+_Stella_, who in turn reciprocates his passion up to almost the last
+page in the book, when, having come to the edge of the precipice and
+made every preparation for her leap into the gulf of elopement, she does
+a mental quick-change and walks away as the contented betrothed of
+Another. So _Hargrave_, making the best of a good job, rejoins _Mrs.
+H._; and one may suppose that, if any more distressed damsels fall off
+omnibuses in his presence, he will prudently "let be." You may think
+with me that this abrupt finish lessens the effect of an otherwise
+well-written and entertaining story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss MURIEL HINE in _The Individual_ (LANE), essaying a problem novel,
+does not disdain the old-fashioned way of the woven plot and the
+dramatic incident. Her hero, _Orde Taverner_, surgeon by trade and
+eugenist by profession, falls in love with _Elizma_, a Cornish beauty
+and rare fiddler. His inquiries as to her eugenical fitness having been
+answered satisfactorily but inaccurately, he marries, to find that
+_Elizma's_ mother really died insane. His principles conquer his desire
+for children, and his decision is communicated to the fiery _Elizma_,
+who, fierce maternalist that she is and coming of a wild stock that
+never stuck at anything, undertakes a desperate flirtation by way of
+solving the difficulty in her own heroic way--at least you will
+certainly make this kind of a guess, but on investigation you may find
+that you've been wrong! Happily in the end a deathbed confession proves
+the second version of her birth as inaccurate as the first. She really
+comes of quite untainted stock, so the eugenist is satisfied and husband
+and wife reconciled. That is to say the author runs away from her
+problem, which was perhaps, all things considered, the wisest thing to
+do. She has some eye for character and has made a good thing of her
+_Elizma_, but has let herself scatter her energies over a team too large
+to be driven with a sure hand. And why, oh why did she drag in the War?
+Or call her butler _Puffles_? But she keeps the interest of her story
+going, and you mustn't skip or you may be set off on a hopelessly wrong
+tack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+So great is my admiration for the humorous gifts of Mr. WILLIAM CAINE
+and so strong my gratitude to him for such books as _Boom_ and _Old
+Enough to Know Better_, that I have decided to erase from my memory with
+all possible speed his latest effort, _Bildad the Quill-Driver_ (LANE.)
+A man with so many bull's-eyes to his credit may be forgiven an
+occasional miss; and, to be candid, _Bildad the Quill-Driver_ seems to
+me to come nowhere near the target. Most of Mr. CAINE'S work would be
+the better for a certain amount of condensation, but this is the only
+occasion on which he has really lost control of his pen. He has had the
+unfortunate idea of writing a comic _Arabian Nights_ in close imitation
+of the style of the original translation, even to the insertion of short
+poems at every possible opportunity. Now, this is one of those ideas
+which at first blush would seem to contain all the elements of
+delightful humour; but it has the deadly flaw that it involves a
+monotony which becomes after a few pages more than irritating. For a
+while the novelty is entertaining, and then the reader becomes crushed
+by the realisation that he has got to rely for his amusement on the same
+sort of joke repeated over and over again for more than three hundred
+pages. And, once that happens, the doom of the book is sealed, for the
+adventures of _Bildad_ are not in themselves diverting--his love-affair
+with the giantess is as unfunny a thing as ever I yawned over--and if
+you cease to chuckle at the burlesque pomposity of the style there is
+nothing left. There are some things which do not lend themselves to
+sustained parody, and the manner of the _Arabian Nights_ is one of them.
+But, as I say, I am not going to allow this book to shake my opinion
+that Mr. CAINE is one of our most engaging humorists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOW A PRUSSIAN ST. GEORGE WOULD HAVE DONE IT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I recommend, absolutely without reserve, a war book entitled _Day by Day
+with the Russian Army_ (CONSTABLE). It is written by Professor BERNARD
+PARES, the Official British Observer with the Russian Armies in the
+Field, and is the real thing. Although incidentally it is to be praised
+as a modest and lucid piece of writing, well in keeping with the
+character of an author whose habit of viewing an action from the most
+dangerous, because the most interesting, point can be discovered only by
+reading between the lines, primarily it is to be prescribed as a
+sovereign tonic against German-made depression. The writer, after being
+present at the conquest of Galicia and the triumphant advance to the top
+of the Carpathians, after witnessing much of the historical Russian
+retreat under pressure of overwhelming artillery superiority, and after
+conversing freely with his friends of all ranks on different sectors of
+the Front whilst offering greetings in the name of their English
+comrades in arms, announces finally, in a wholly satisfactory fashion,
+his unalterable conviction as to the unqualified supremacy of our Allies
+when on anything like equal terms with their opponents as regards
+munitions of war. And that is a matter which, though never in doubt, it
+is pleasant to hear again in tones of authority at a time when we
+believe the Russian lack of supplies is at last being made good. The
+evidence is the more complete because not only do we learn of the
+interrogation of many prisoners, but because a long extract from the
+diary of one of them, an Austrian officer, is included, to point the
+difference in spirit between the two armies. The demoralisation of the
+Austrian forces, even when advancing, is so strikingly presented that
+one cannot doubt their dependence on German domination and German
+batteries to hold them together at all. Although Professor PARES
+attaches several excellent maps, he is not really much concerned with
+questions of strategy, but has devoted himself to just two
+points--_moral_ and munitions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I am afraid that Mrs. HODGSON BURNETT is in a little danger of overdoing
+it. She knows (who better?) the briskness of the popular demand for
+long-lost heirs; and she may well have argued that the longer he has
+been lost, the more squalid his present environment, and the more
+brilliant his heritage, the more assured would be the heir's welcome.
+Perhaps indeed this may be so in America; but for this side, as I say, I
+have my doubts. I daresay your own intuition will tell you that the hero
+of _The Lost Prince_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is a prince who has been
+lost. In fact so effectually had the branch of the regal house to which
+_Prince Ivor_ belonged been mislaid that the story opens upon him
+dwelling in a London slum with no companions but a mysterious father and
+a crippled playfellow (called _The Rat_). All sorts of mysterious things
+are constantly happening just out of sight; and presently the dynastic
+intrigues of Mrs. BURNETT launch the two boys upon a secret journey
+through Europe, to convey to a number of pleasantly melodramatic
+conspirators the message that "The Lamp is Lighted!" As their object is
+expressly stated to be protection for a small principality, the fact
+that the interviews include one with Emperor of AUSTRIA has in these
+days a quaintly anachronistic effect, and at least serves to emphasise
+the neutral origin of the story. However, they are of course successful;
+and in the last chapter _Prince Ivor_ manages to be enormously
+astonished at finding that the mysterious monarch of Samavia, for whom
+he has been working, is none other than his own father--an obvious fact
+that, with truly royal tactfulness, he had contrived to ignore
+throughout the story. My advice to the author is to write up her
+villains (at present they haven't a chance) and make the whole thing
+into a film play. The wanderings of the two boys offer a fine
+opportunity for scenic variety; while the sentiment is of precisely the
+nature to be stimulated by a pianoforte accompaniment. As a three-reel
+exclusive, in short, I can fancy _The Lost Prince_ entering triumphantly
+into his appropriate kingdom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "UNFURNISHED ROOM to Let in Clyde Road; quiet house; convenience
+    for washing once a week if necessary; rent 3s."--_Hastings and
+    St. Leonards Observer._
+
+It sounds dirt-cheap.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+150, February 2, 1916, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL 150 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 22313-8.txt or 22313-8.zip *****
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