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diff --git a/22269.txt b/22269.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe74703 --- /dev/null +++ b/22269.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9284 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Autobiography of Madame Guyon, by +Jeanne Marie Bouvier de La Motte Guyon + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Autobiography of Madame Guyon + +Author: Jeanne Marie Bouvier de La Motte Guyon + +Release Date: August 8, 2007 [EBook #22269] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MADAME GUYON *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +AUTOBIOGRAPHY + +OF + +MADAME GUYON + + + +IN TWO PARTS + + + +MOODY PRESS +CHICAGO + + +_Printed in the United States of America_ + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +In the history of the world few persons have attained that high degree +of spirituality reached by Madame Guyon. + +Born in a corrupt age, in a nation marked for its degeneracy; nursed +and reared in a church, as profligate as the world in which it was +embedded; persecuted at every step of her career; groping as she did in +spiritual desolation and ignorance, nevertheless, she arose to the +highest pinnacle of pre-eminence in spirituality and Christian +devotion. + +She lived and died in the Catholic Church; yet was tormented and +afflicted; was maltreated and abused; and was imprisoned for years by +the highest authorities of that church. + +Her sole crime was that of loving God. The ground of her offense was +found in her supreme devotion and unmeasured attachment to Christ. When +they demanded her money and estate, she gladly surrendered them, even +to her impoverishment, but it availed nothing. The crime of loving Him +in whom her whole being was absorbed, never could be mitigated, or +forgiven. + +She loved only to do good to her fellow-creatures, and to such an +extent was she filled with the Holy Ghost, and with the power of God, +that she wrought wonders in her day, and has not ceased to influence +the ages that have followed. + +Viewed from a human standpoint, it is a sublime spectacle, to see a +solitary woman subvert all the machinations of kings and courtiers; +laugh to scorn all the malignant enginery of the papal inquisition, and +silence, and confound the pretensions of the most learned divines. She +not only saw more clearly the sublimest truths of our most holy +Christianity, but she basked in the clearest and most beautiful +sunlight while they groped in darkness. She grasped with ease the +deepest and sublimest truths of holy Writ, while they were lost in the +mazes of their own profound ignorance. + +One distinguished divine was delighted to sit at her feet. At first he +heard her with distrust; then with admiration. Finally he opened his +heart to the truth, and stretched forth his hand to be led by this +saint of God into the Holy of Holies where she dwelt. We allude to the +distinguished Archbishop Fenelon, whose sweet spirit and charming +writings have been a blessing to every generation following him. + +We offer no word of apology for publishing in the Autobiography of +Madame Guyon, those expressions of devotion to her church, that found +vent in her writings. She was a true Catholic when protestantism was in +its infancy. + +There can be no doubt that God, by a special interposition of His +Providence, caused her to commit her life so minutely to writing. The +duty was enjoined upon her by her spiritual director, whom the rules of +her church made it obligatory upon her to obey. It was written while +she was incarcerated in the cell of a lonely prison. The same all-wise +Providence preserved it from destruction. We have not a shadow of doubt +that it is destined to accomplish tenfold more in the future than it +has accomplished in the past. Indeed, the Christian world is only +beginning to understand and appreciate it, and the hope and prayer of +the publisher is, that thousands may, through its instrumentality, be +brought into the same intimate communion and fellowship with God, that +was so richly enjoyed by Madame Guyon. + +E. J. + + + + +CONTENTS + + +PART ONE + +Chapter 1 13 +Chapter 2 19 +Chapter 3 25 +Chapter 4 30 +Chapter 5 38 +Chapter 6 49 +Chapter 7 60 +Chapter 8 68 +Chapter 9 76 +Chapter 10 79 +Chapter 11 84 +Chapter 12 89 +Chapter 13 100 +Chapter 14 108 +Chapter 15 113 +Chapter 16 121 +Chapter 17 128 +Chapter 18 134 +Chapter 19 140 +Chapter 20 148 +Chapter 21 156 +Chapter 22 160 +Chapter 23 167 +Chapter 24 173 +Chapter 25 178 +Chapter 26 185 +Chapter 27 191 +Chapter 28 197 +Chapter 29 205 + + +PART TWO + +Chapter 1 219 +Chapter 2 225 +Chapter 3 231 +Chapter 4 236 +Chapter 5 242 +Chapter 6 248 +Chapter 7 255 +Chapter 8 261 +Chapter 9 266 +Chapter 10 272 +Chapter 11 277 +Chapter 12 282 +Chapter 13 293 +Chapter 14 302 +Chapter 15 309 +Chapter 16 316 +Chapter 17 326 +Chapter 18 343 +Chapter 19 353 +Chapter 20 364 +Chapter 21 374 + + + + +MADAME GUYON + + +PART ONE + + + + +CHAPTER 1 + + +There were omissions of importance in the former narration of my life. +I willingly comply with your desire, in giving you a more +circumstantial relation; though the labor seems rather painful, as I +cannot use much study or reflection. My earnest wish is to paint in +true colors the goodness of God to me, and the depth of my own +ingratitude--but it is impossible, as numberless little circumstances +have escaped my memory. You are also unwilling I should give you a +minute account of my sins. I shall, however, try to leave out as few +faults as possible. I depend on you to destroy it, when your soul hath +drawn those spiritual advantages which God intended, and for which +purpose I am willing to sacrifice all things. I am fully persuaded of +His designs toward you, as well for the sanctification of others, as +for your own sanctification. + +Let me assure you, this is not attained, save through pain, weariness +and labor; and it will be reached by a path that will wonderfully +disappoint your expectations. Nevertheless, if you are fully convinced +that it is on the nothing in man that God establishes his greatest +works,--you will be in part guarded against disappointment or surprise. +He destroys that he might build; for when He is about to rear His +sacred temple in us, He first totally razes that vain and pompous +edifice, which human art and power had erected, and from its horrible +ruins a new structure is formed, by His power only. + +Oh, that you could comprehend the depth of this mystery, and learn the +secrets of the conduct of God, revealed to babes, but hid from the wise +and great of this world, who think themselves the Lord's counselor's, +and capable of investigating His procedures, and suppose they have +attained that divine wisdom hidden from the eyes of all who live in +self, and are enveloped in their own works. Who by a lively genius and +elevated faculties mount up to Heaven, and think to comprehend the +height and depth and length and breadth of God. + +This divine wisdom is unknown, even to those who pass in the world for +persons of extraordinary illumination and knowledge. To whom then is +she known, and who can tell us any tidings concerning her? Destruction +and death assure us, that they have heard with their ears of her fame +and renown. It is, then, in dying to all things, and in being truly +lost to them, passing forward into God, and existing only in Him, that +we attain to some knowledge of the true wisdom. Oh, how little are her +ways known, and her dealings with her most chosen servants. Scarce do +we discover anything thereof, but surprised at the dissimilitude +betwixt the truth we thus discover and our former ideas of it, we cry +out with St. Paul, "Oh, the depth of the knowledge and wisdom of God! +how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out." The +Lord judgeth not of things as men do, who call good evil and evil good, +and account that as righteousness which is abominable in His sight, and +which according to the prophet He regards as filthy rags. He will enter +into strict judgment with these self-righteous, and they shall, like +the Pharisees, be rather subjects of His wrath, than objects of His +love, or inheritors of His rewards. Doth not Christ Himself assure us, +that "except our righteousness exceed that of the scribes and pharisees +we shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven." And which of us +even approaches them in righteousness; or, if we live in the practice +of virtues, though much inferior to theirs, are we not tenfold more +ostentatious? Who is not pleased to behold himself righteous in his own +eyes, and in the eyes of others? or, who is it doubts that such +righteousness is sufficient to please God? Yet, we see the indignation +of our Lord manifested against such. He who was the perfect pattern of +tenderness and meekness, such as flowed from the depth of the heart, +and not that affected meekness, which under the form of a dove, hides +the hawk's heart. He appears severe only to these self-righteous +people, and He publicly dishonored them. In what strange colors does He +represent them, while He beholds the poor sinner with mercy, compassion +and love, and declares that for them only He was come, that it was the +sick who needed the physician; and that He came only to save the lost +sheep of the house of Israel. + +O thou Source of Love! Thou dost indeed seem so jealous of the +salvation Thou hast purchased, that Thou dost prefer the sinner to the +righteous! The poor sinner beholds himself vile and wretched, is in a +manner constrained to detest himself; and finding his state so +horrible, casts himself in his desperation into the arms of his +Saviour, and plunges into the healing fountain, and comes forth "white +as wool." Then confounded at the review of his disordered state, and +overflowing with love for Him, who having alone the power, had also the +compassion to save him--the excess of his love is proportioned to the +enormity of his crimes, and the fullness of his gratitude to the extent +of the debt remitted. The self-righteous, relying on the many good +works he imagines he has performed, seems to hold salvation in his own +hand, and considers Heaven as a just reward of his merits. In the +bitterness of his zeal he exclaims against all sinners, and represents +the gates of mercy as barred against them, and Heaven as a place to +which they have no claim. What need have such self-righteous persons of +a Saviour? they are already burdened with the load of their own merits. +Oh, how long they bear the flattering load, while sinners divested of +everything, fly rapidly on the wings of faith and love into their +Saviour's arms, who freely bestows on them that which he has so freely +promised! + +How full of self-love are the self-righteous, and how void of the love +of God! They esteem and admire themselves in their works of +righteousness, which they suppose to be a fountain of happiness. These +works are no sooner exposed to the Sun of Righteousness, than they +discover all to be so full of impurity and baseness, that it frets them +to the heart. Meanwhile the poor sinner, Magdalene, is pardoned because +she loves much, and her faith and love are accepted as righteousness. +The inspired Paul, who so well understood these great truths and so +fully investigated them, assures us that "the faith of Abraham was +imputed to him for righteousness." This is truly beautiful for it is +certain that all of that holy patriarch's actions were strictly +righteous; yet, not seeing them as such, and being devoid of the love +of them, and divested of selfishness, his faith was founded on the +coming Christ. He hoped in Him even against hope itself, and this was +imputed to him for righteousness, (Rom. 41: 18, 22,) a pure, simple and +genuine righteousness, wrought by Christ, and not a righteousness +wrought by himself, and regarded as of himself. + +You may imagine this a digression wide of the subject, but it leads +insensibly to it. It shows that God accomplishes His work either in +converted sinners, whose past iniquities serve as a counterpoise to +their elevation, or in persons whose self-righteousness He destroys, by +totally overthrowing the proud building they had reared on a sandy +foundation, instead of the Rock--CHRIST. + +The establishment of all these ends, which He proposed in coming into +the world, is effected by the apparent overthrow of that very structure +which in reality He would erect. By means which seem to destroy His +Church, He establishes it. How strangely does He found the new +dispensation and give it His sanction! The legislator Himself is +condemned by the learned and great, as a malefactor, and dies an +ignominious death. Oh, that we fully understood how very opposite our +self-righteousness is to the designs of God--it would be a subject for +endless humiliation, and we should have an utter distrust in that which +at present constitutes the whole of our dependence. + +From a just love of His supreme power, and a righteous jealousy of +mankind, who attribute to each other the gifts He Himself bestows upon +them, it pleased Him to take one of the most unworthy of the creation, +to make known the fact that His graces are the effects of His will, not +the fruits of our merits. It is the property of His wisdom to destroy +what is proudly built, and to build what is destroyed; to make use of +weak things to confound the mighty and to employ in His service such as +appear vile and contemptible. + +This He does in a manner so astonishing, as to render them the objects +of the scorn and contempt of the world. It is not to draw public +approbation upon them, that He makes them instrumental in the salvation +of others; but to render them the objects of their dislike and the +subjects of their insults; as you will see in this life you have +enjoined upon me to write. + + + + +CHAPTER 2 + + +I was born on April 18, 1648. My parents, particularly my father, was +extremely pious; but to him it was a manner hereditary. Many of his +forefathers were saints. + +My mother, in the eighth month, was accidentally frightened, which +caused an abortion. It is generally imagined that a child born in that +month cannot survive. Indeed, I was so excessively ill, immediately +after my birth, that all about me despaired of my life, and were +apprehensive I should die without baptism. Perceiving some signs of +vitality, they ran to acquaint my father, who immediately brought a +priest; but on entering the chamber they were told those symptoms which +had raised their hopes were only expiring struggles, and all was over. + +I had no sooner shown signs of life again, than I again relapsed, and +remained so long in an uncertain state, that it was some time before +they could find a proper opportunity to baptize me. I continued very +unhealthy until I was two and a half years old, when they sent me to +the convent of the Ursulines, where I remained a few months. + +On my return, my mother neglected to pay due attention to my education. +She was not fond of daughters and abandoned me wholly to the care of +servants. Indeed, I should have suffered severely from their +inattention to me had not an all-watchful Providence been my protector: +for through my liveliness, I met with various accidents. I frequently +fell into a deep vault that held our firewood; however, I always +escaped unhurt. + +The Dutchess of Montbason came to the convent of the Benedictines, when +I was about four years old. She had a great friendship for my father, +and obtained his permission that I should go to the same convent. She +took peculiar delight in my sportiveness and certain sweetness in my +external deportment. I became her constant companion. + +I was guilty of frequent and dangerous irregularities in this house, +and committed serious faults. I had good examples before me, and being +naturally well inclined, I followed them, when there were none to turn +me aside. I loved to hear God spoken of, to be at church, and to be +dressed in a religious garb. I was told of terrors of Hell which I +imagined was intended to intimidate me as I was exceedingly lively, and +full of a little petulant vivacity which they called wit. The +succeeding night I dreamed of Hell, and though I was so young, time has +never been able to efface the frightful ideas impressed upon my +imagination. All appeared horrible darkness, where souls were punished, +and my place among them was pointed out. At this I wept bitterly, and +cried, "Oh, my God, if Thou wilt have mercy upon me, and spare me yet a +little longer, I will never more offend Thee." And thou didst, O Lord, +in mercy hearken unto my cry, and pour upon me strength and courage to +serve thee, in an uncommon manner for one of my age. I wanted to go +privately to confession, but being little, the mistress of the boarders +carried me to the priest, and stayed with me while I was heard. She was +much astonished when I mentioned that I had suggestions against the +faith, and the confessor began to laugh, and inquire what they were. I +told him that till then I had doubted there was such a place as Hell, +and supposed my mistress had spoken of it merely to make me good, but +now my doubts were all removed. After confession my heart glowed with a +kind of fervor, and at one time I felt a desire to suffer martyrdom. +The good girls of the house, to amuse themselves, and to see how far +this growing fervor would carry me, desired me to prepare for +martyrdom. I found great fervency and delight in prayer, and was +persuaded that this ardor, which was as new as it was pleasing, was a +proof of God's love. This inspired me with such courage and resolution, +that I earnestly besought them to proceed, that I might thereby enter +into His sacred presence, but was there not latent hypocrisy here? Did +I not imagine that it was possible they would not kill me, and that I +would have the merit of martyrdom without suffering it? Indeed, it +appeared there was something of this nature in it. Being placed +kneeling on a cloth spread for the purpose, and seeing behind me a +large sword lifted up which they had prepared to try how far my ardor +would carry me I cried, "Hold! it is not right I should die without +first obtaining my father's permission." I was quickly upbraided with +having said this that I might escape, and that I was no longer a +martyr. I continued long disconsolate, and would receive no comfort; +something inwardly reproved me, for not having embraced that +opportunity of going to Heaven, when it rested altogether on my own +choice. + +At my solicitation, and on account of my falling so frequently sick, I +was at length taken home. On my return, my mother having a maid in whom +she placed confidence, left me again to the care of servants. It is a +great fault, of which mothers are guilty, when under pretext of +external devotions, or other engagements, they suffer their daughters +to be absent from them. I forbear not condemning that unjust partiality +with which parents treat some of their children. It is frequently +productive of divisions in families, and even the ruin of some. +Impartiality, by uniting children's hearts together, lays the +foundation of lasting harmony and unanimity. + +I would I were able to convince parents, and all who have the care of +youth, of the great attention they require, and how dangerous it is to +let them be for any length of time from under their eye, or to suffer +them to be without some kind of employment. This negligence is the ruin +of multitudes of girls. + +How greatly it is to be lamented, that mothers who are inclined to +piety, should pervert even the means of salvation to their +destruction--commit the greatest irregularities while apparently +pursuing that which should produce the most regular and circumspect +conduct. + +Thus, because they experience certain gains in prayer, they would be +all day long at church; meanwhile their children are running to +destruction. We glorify God most when we prevent what may offend Him. +What must be the nature of that sacrifice which is the occasion of sin! +God should be served in His own way. Let the devotion of mothers be +regulated so as to prevent their daughters from straying. Treat them as +sisters, not as slaves. Appear pleased with their little amusements. +The children will delight then in the presence of their mothers, +instead of avoiding it. If they find so much happiness with them, they +will not dream of seeking it elsewhere. Mothers frequently deny their +children any liberties. Like birds constantly confined to a cage, they +no sooner find means of escape than off they go, never to return. In +order to render them tame and docile when young, they should be +permitted sometimes to take wing, but as their flight is weak, and +closely watched, it is easy to retake them when they escape. Little +flight gives them the habit of naturally returning to their cage which +becomes an agreeable confinement. I believe young girls should be +treated in a manner something similar to this. Mothers should indulge +them in an innocent liberty, but should never lose sight of them. + +To guard the tender minds of children from what is wrong, much care +should be taken to employ them in agreeable and useful matters. They +should not be loaded with food they cannot relish. Milk suited to +babies should be administered to them not strong meat which may so +disgust them, that when they arrive at an age when it would be proper +nourishment, they will not so much as taste it. Every day they should +be obliged to read a little in some good book, spend some time in +prayer, which must be suited rather to stir the affections, than for +meditation. Oh, were this method of education pursued, how speedily +would many irregularities cease! These daughters becoming mothers, +would educate their children as they themselves had been educated. + +Parents should also avoid showing the smallest partiality in the +treatment of their children. It begets a secret jealousy and hatred +among them, which frequently augments with time, and even continues +until death. How often do we see some children the idols of the house, +behaving like absolute tyrants, treating their brothers and sisters as +so many slaves according to the example of father and mother. And it +happens many times, that the favorite proves a scourge to the parents +while the poor despised and hated one becomes their consolation and +support. + +My mother was very defective in the education of her children. She +suffered me whole days from her presence in company with the servants, +whose conversation and example were particularly hurtful to one of my +disposition. My mother's heart seemed wholly centered in my brother. I +was scarcely ever favored with the smallest instance of her tenderness +or affection. I therefore voluntarily absented myself from her. It is +true, my brother was more amiable than I but the excess of her fondness +for him, made her blind even to my outward good qualities. It served +only to discover my faults, which would have been trifling had proper +care been taken of me. + + + + +CHAPTER 3 + + +My father who loved me tenderly and seeing how little my education was +attended to sent me to a convent of the Ursulines. I was near seven +years old. In this house were two half sisters of mine, the one by my +father, the other by my mother. My father placed me under his +daughter's care, a person of the great capacity and most exalted piety, +excellently qualified for the instruction of youth. This was a singular +dispensation of God's providence and love toward me, and proved the +first means of my salvation. She loved me tenderly, and her affection +made her discover in me many amiable qualities, which the Lord had +implanted in me. She endeavored to improve these good qualities, and I +believe that had I continued in such careful hands, I should have +acquired as many virtuous habits as I afterward contracted evil ones. + +This good sister employed her time in instructing me in piety and in +such branches of learning as were suitable to my age and capacity. She +had good talents and improved them well. She was frequent in prayer and +her faith was as great as that of most persons. She denied herself +every other pleasure to be with me and to instruct me. Such was her +affection for me that it made her find more pleasure with me than +anywhere else. + +If I made her agreeable answers, though more from chance than from +judgment, she thought herself well paid for all her labor. Under her +care I soon became mistress of most studies suitable for me. Many grown +persons of rank could not have answered the questions. + +As my father often sent for me, desiring to see me at home, I found at +one time the Queen of England there. I was near eight years of age. My +father told the Queen's confessor that if he wanted a little amusement +he might entertain himself with me. He tried me with several very +difficult questions, to which I returned such pertinent answers that he +carried me to the Queen, and said, "Your majesty must have some +diversion with this child." She also tried me and was so well pleased +with my lively answers, and my manners, that she demanded me of my +father with no small importunity. She assured him that she would take +particular care of me, designing me for maid of honor to the princess. +My father resisted. Doubtless it was God who caused this refusal, and +thereby turned off the stroke which might have probably intercepted my +salvation. Being so weak, how could I have withstood the temptations +and distractions of a court? + +I went back to the Ursulines where my good sister continued her +affection. But as she was not the mistress of the boarders, and I was +obliged sometimes to go along with them, I contracted bad habits. I +became addicted to lying, peevishness and indevotion, passing whole +days without thinking on God; though He watched continually over me, as +the sequel will manifest. I did not remain long under the power of such +habits because my sister's care recovered me. I loved much to hear of +God, was not weary of church, loved to pray, had tenderness for the +poor, and a natural dislike for persons whose doctrine was judged +unsound. God has always continued to me this grace, in my greatest +infidelities. + +There was at the end of the garden connected with this convent, a +little chapel dedicated to the child Jesus. To this I betook myself for +devotion and, for some time, carrying my breakfast thither every +morning, I hid it all behind this image. I was so much a child, that I +thought I made a considerable sacrifice in depriving myself of it. +Delicate in my choice of food, I wished to mortify myself, but found +self-love still too prevalent, to submit to such mortification. When +they were cleaning out this chapel, they found behind the image what I +had left there and presently guessed that it was I. They had seen me +every day going thither. I believe that God, who lets nothing pass +without a recompense, soon rewarded me with interest for this little +infantine devotion. + +I continued some time with my sister, where I retained the love and +fear of God. My life was easy; I was educated agreeably with her. I +improved much while I had my health, but very often I was sick, and +seized with maladies as sudden as they were uncommon. In the evening +well; in the morning swelled and full of bluish marks, symptoms of a +fever which soon followed. At nine years, I was taken with so violent a +hemorrhage that they thought I was going to die. I was rendered +exceedingly weak. + +A little before this severe attack, my other sister became jealous, +wanting to have me in turn. Though she led a good life, yet she had not +a talent for the education of children. At first she caressed me, but +all her caresses made no impression upon my heart. My other sister did +more with a look, than she with either caresses or threatenings. As she +saw that I loved her not so well, she changed to rigorous treatment. +She would not allow me to speak to my other sister. When she knew I had +spoken to her, she had me whipped, or beat me herself. I could no +longer hold out against severe usage, and therefore requited with +apparent ingratitude all the favors of my paternal sister, going no +more to see her. But this did not hinder her from giving me marks of +her usual goodness, in the severe malady just mentioned. She kindly +construed my ingratitude to be rather owing to my fear of chastisement, +than to a bad heart. Indeed, I believe this was the only instance in +which fear of chastisement operated so powerfully upon me. From that +time I suffered more in occasioning pain to One I loved, than in +suffering myself at their hand. + +Thou knowest, O my Beloved, that it was not the dread of Thy +chastisements that sunk so deep, either into my understanding or my +heart; it was the sorrow for offending Thee which ever constituted the +whole of my distress; which was so great. I imagine if there were +neither Heaven nor Hell, I should always have retained the same fear of +displeasing Thee. Thou knowest that after my faults, when, in forgiving +mercy, Thou wert pleased to visit my soul, Thy caresses were a +thousand-fold more insupportable than Thy rod. + +My father being informed of all that passed, took me home again. I was +nearly ten years of age. I stayed only a little while at home. A nun of +the order of St. Dominie, of a great family, one of my father's +intimate friends, solicited him to place me in her convent. She was the +prioress and promised she would take care of me and make me lodge in +her room. This lady had conceived a great affection for me. She was so +taken up with her community, in its many troublesome events that she +was not at liberty to take much care of me. I had the chickenpox, which +made me keep to my bed three weeks, in which I had very bad care, +though my father and mother thought I was under excellent care. The +ladies of the house had such a dread of the smallpox, as they imagined +mine to be, that they would not come near me. I passed almost all the +time without seeing anybody. A lay-sister who only brought me my +allowance of diet at the set hours immediately went off again. I +providentially found a Bible and having both a fondness for reading and +a happy memory, I spent whole days in reading it from morning to night. +I learned entirely the historical part. Yet I was really very unhappy +in this house. The other boarders, being large girls, distressed me +with grievous persecutions. I was so much neglected, as to food, that I +became quite emaciated. + + + + +CHAPTER 4 + + +After about eight months, my father took me home. My mother kept me +more with her, beginning to have a higher regard for me than before. +She still preferred my brother; every one spoke of it. Even when I was +sick and there was anything I liked, he demanded it. It was taken from +me, and given to him, and he was in perfectly good health. One day he +made me mount the top of the coach; then threw me down. By the fall I +was very much bruised. At other times he beat me. But whatever he did, +however wrong, it was winked at, or the most favorable construction was +put upon it. This soured my temper. I had little disposition to do +good, saying, "I was never the better for it." + +It was not then for Thee alone, O God, that I did good; since I ceased +to do it, when it met not with such a reception from others as I +wanted. Had I known how to make a right use of this thy crucifying +conduct, I should have made a good progress. Far from turning me out of +the way, it would have made me turn more wholly to Thee. + +I looked with jealous eyes on my brother, seeing the difference between +him and me. Whatever he did was considered well; but if there were +blame, it fell on me. My stepsisters by the mother, gained her goodwill +by caressing him and persecuting me. True, I was bad. I relapsed into +my former faults of lying and peevishness. With all these faults I was +very tender and charitable to the poor. I prayed to God assiduously, +loved to hear any one speak of Him and to read good books. + +I doubt not that you will be amazed at such a series of +inconsistencies; but what succeeds will surprise you yet more, when you +see this manner of acting gain ground with my years. As my reason +ripened, it was so far from correcting this irrational conduct. Sin +grew more powerful in me. + +O my God, thy grace seemed to be redoubled in proportion to the +increase of my ingratitude! It was with me as with a city besieged, +Thou didst surround my heart, and I only studied how to defend myself +against thy attacks. I raised fortifications about the wretched place, +adding every day to the number of my iniquities to prevent Thee taking +it. When there was an appearance of Thy becoming victorious over this +ungrateful heart, I raised a counter-battery, and threw up ramparts to +keep off thy goodness, and to hinder the course of thy grace. None +other could have conquered than Thyself. + +I cannot bear to hear it said, "We are not free to resist grace." I +have had too long and fatal an experience of my liberty. I closed up +the avenues of my heart, that I might not so much as hear that secret +voice of God, which was calling me to Himself. I have indeed, from +tenderest youth, passed through a series of grievances, either by +maladies or by persecutions. The girl to whose care my mother left me, +in arranging my hair used to beat me, and did not make me turn it +except with rage and blows. + +Everything seemed to punish me, but this instead of making me turn unto +Thee, O my God, only served to afflict and embitter my mind. + +My father knew nothing of all this; his love to me was such that he +would not have suffered it. I loved him very much, but at the same time +I feared him, so that I told him nothing of it. My mother was often +teasing him with complaints of me, to which he made no other reply +than, "There are twelve hours in the day; she'll grow wiser." This +rigorous proceeding was not the worst for my soul, though it soured my +temper, which was otherwise mild and easy. But what caused my greatest +hurt was, that I chose to be among those who caressed me, in order to +corrupt and spoil me. + +My father, seeing I was now grown tall, placed me in Lent among the +Ursulines, to receive my first communion at Easter, at which time I was +to complete my eleventh year. And here my most dear sister, under whose +inspection my father placed me, redoubled her cares, to cause me to +make the best preparation possible for this act of devotion. I thought +now of giving myself to God in good earnest. I often felt a combat +between my good inclinations and my bad habits. I even did some +penances. As I was almost always with my sister, and as the boarders in +her class, which was the first, were very reasonable and civil. I +became such also, while among them. It had been cruel to educate me +badly; for my very nature was strongly disposed to goodness. Easily won +with mildness, I did with pleasure whatever my good sister desired. At +length Easter arrived; I received the communion with much joy and +devotion. In this house I staid until Whitsuntide. But as my other +sister was mistress of the second class, she demanded that in her week +I should be with her in that class. Her manners, so opposite to the +other's, made me relax my former piety. I felt no more that new and +delightful ardor which had seized my heart at my first communion. Alas! +it held but a short time. My faults and failings were soon reiterated +and drew me from the care and duties of religion. + +As I now grew very tall for my age, and more to my mother's liking than +before, she took care to deck and dress me, to make me see company, and +to take me abroad. She took an inordinate pride in that beauty with +which God had formed me, to bless and praise Him. However it was +perverted by me into a source of pride and vanity. Several suitors came +to me; but as I was not yet twelve years my father would not listen to +any proposals. I loved reading and shut myself up alone every day to +read without interruption. + +What proved effectual to gain me entirely to God, at least for a time, +was that a nephew of my father's passed by our home on a mission to +Cochin China. I happened at that time to be taking a walk with my +companions, which I seldom did. At my return he was gone. They gave me +an account of his sanctity, and the things he had said, I was so +touched that I was overcome with sorrow. I cried all the rest of the +day and night. Early in the morning I went in great distress to seek my +confessor. I said to him, "What! my father, am I the only person in our +family to be lost? Alas; help me in my salvation." He was greatly +surprised to see me so much afflicted, and comforted me in the best +manner he could, not thinking me so bad as I was. In my backslidings I +was docile, punctual in obedience, careful to confess often. Since I +went to him my life was more regular. + +Oh, thou God of love, how often hast Thou knocked at the door of my +heart! How often terrified me with appearances of sudden death! All +these only made a transient impression. I presently returned again to +my infidelities. This time thou didst take and quite carried off my +heart. Alas, what grief I now sustained for having displeased Thee! +what regrets, what exclamations, what sobbings! Who would have thought, +to see me, but that my conversion would have lasted as long as my life? +Why didst thou not, O my God, utterly take this heart to thyself, when +I gave it to Thee so fully. Or, if Thou didst take it then, oh, why +didst Thou let it revolt again? Thou wast surely strong enough to hold +it, but Thou wouldst perhaps, in leaving me to myself, display thy +mercy that the depth of my iniquity might serve as a trophy to thy +goodness. + +I immediately applied myself to every part of my duty. I made a general +confession with great compunction of heart. I frankly confessed all +that I knew with many tears. I became so changed that I was scarcely +known. I would not for ever so much made the least voluntary slip. They +found not any matter for absolution when I confessed. I discovered the +very smallest faults and God did me the favor to enable me to conquer +myself in many things. There were left only some remains of passion, +which gave me some trouble to conquer. But as soon as I had by means +thereof, given any displeasure, even to the domestics, I begged their +pardon, in order to subdue my wrath and pride; for wrath is the +daughter of pride. A person truly humbled permits not anything to put +him in a rage. As it is pride which dies the last in the soul, so it is +passion which is last destroyed in the outward conduct. A soul +thoroughly dead to itself, finds nothing of rage left. + +There are persons who, being very much filled with grace and with +peace, at their entrance of the resigned path of light and love, think +they are come thus far. But they are greatly mistaken, in this view of +their state. This they will readily discover, if they are heartily +willing to examine two things. First, if their nature is lively, warm +and violent, (I speak not of stupid tempers) they will find, from time +to time, that they make slips, in which trouble and emotion have some +share. Even then they are useful to humble and annihilate them. (But +when annihilation is perfected all passion is gone--it is incompatible +with this state.) They will find that there often arises in them +certain motions of anger, but the sweetness of grace holds them back. +They would easily transgress, if in any wise they gave way to these +motions. There are persons who think themselves very mild because +nothing thwarts them. It is not of such that I am speaking. Mildness +which has never been put to the proof, is often only counterfeit. Those +persons who, when unmolested, appear to be saints are no sooner +exercised by vexing occurrences than there starts up in them a strange +number of faults. They had thought them dead which only lay dormant +because nothing awakened them. + +I followed my religious exercises. I shut myself up all day to read and +pray. I gave all I had to the poor taking even linen to their houses. I +taught them the catechism and when my parents dined out I made them eat +with me and served them with great respect. I read the works of St. +Francis de Sales and the life of Madam de Chantal. There I first +learned what mental prayer was, and I besought my confessor to teach me +that kind of prayer. As he did not, I used my own endeavors to practice +it, though without success, as I then thought, because I could not +exercise the imagination, I persuaded myself, that that prayer could +not be made without forming to one's self certain ideas and reasoning +much. This difficulty gave me no small trouble, for a long time. I was +very assiduous and prayed earnestly to God to give me the gift of +prayer. All that I saw in the life of M. de Chantal charmed me. I was +so much a child, that I thought I ought to do everything I saw in it. +All the vows she had made I made also. One day as I was reading that +she had put the name of Jesus on her heart, to follow the counsel, "Set +me as a seal upon thy heart." For this purpose she had taken a hot +iron, whereupon the holy name was engraven. I was very much afflicted +that I could not do the same. I decided to write that sacred and +adorable name, in large characters, on paper, then with ribbons and a +needle I fastened it to my skin in four places. In that position it +continued a long time. + +After this, I turned all my thoughts to become a nun. Because the love +which I had for St. Francis de Sales did not permit me to think of any +other community than the one of which he was the founder, I frequently +went to beg the nuns there to receive me into their convent. Often I +stole out of my father's house to go and repeatedly solicit my +admission there. Though it was what they eagerly desired, even as a +temporal advantage, yet they never dared let me enter, as they very +much feared my father, to whose fondness for me they were no strangers. + +There was at that house a niece of my father's, to whom I am under +great obligations. Fortune had not been very favorable to her father. +It had reduced her in some measure to depend on mine, to whom she made +known my desire. Although he would not for anything in the world have +hindered a right vocation, yet he could not hear of my design without +shedding tears. As he happened at this time to be abroad, my cousin +went to my confessor, to desire him to forbid my going to the +visitation. He dared not, however, do it plainly, for fear of drawing +on himself the resentment of that community. I still wanted to be a +nun, and importuned my mother excessively to take me to that house. She +would not do it, for fear of grieving my father, who was absent. + + + + +CHAPTER 5 + + +No sooner was my father returned home, than he became violently ill. My +mother was at the same time indisposed in another part of the house. I +was all alone with him, ready to render him every kind of service I was +capable of, and to give him all the dutiful marks of a most sincere +affection. I do not doubt but my assiduity was very agreeable to him. I +performed the most menial offices unperceived by him taking the time +for it when the servants were not at hand; as well to mortify myself as +to pay due honor to what Jesus Christ said, that He came not to be +ministered to, but to minister. When father made me read to him, I read +with such heartfelt devotion that he was surprised. I remembered the +instruction my sister had given me, and the ejaculatory prayers and +praises I had learned. + +She had taught me to praise Thee, O my God, in all Thy works. All that +I saw called upon me to render Thee homage. If it rained, I wished +every drop to be changed into love and praises. My heart was nourished +insensibly with Thy love; and my spirit was incessantly engrossed with +the remembrance of Thee. I seemed to join and partake in all the good +that was done in the world, and could have wished to have the united +hearts of all men to love Thee. This habit rooted itself so strongly in +me, that I retained it throughout my greatest wanderings. + +My cousin helped not a little, to support me in these good sentiments; +I was often with her, and loved her, as she took great care of me, and +treated me with much gentleness. Her fortune being equal neither to her +birth nor her virtue, she did with charity and affection what her +condition obliged her to do. My mother grew jealous, fearing I should +love my cousin too well and herself too little. She who had left me in +my young years to the care of her maids, and since that to my own, only +requiring if I was in the house. Troubling herself no further, now +required me always to stay with her, and never suffered me to be with +my cousin but with great reluctance. My cousin fell ill. My mother took +that occasion to send her home, which was a very severe stroke to my +heart, as well as to that grace which began to dawn in me. + +My mother was a very virtuous woman. She was one of the most charitable +women of her age. She not only gave the surplus, but even the +necessities of the house. Never were the needy neglected. Never any +wretched one came to her without succor. She furnished poor mechanics +wherewith to carry on their work, and needy tradesmen wherewith to +supply their shops. From her, I think, I inherited my charity and love +for the poor. God favored me with the blessing of being her successor +in that holy exercise. There was not one in the town, or its environs, +who did not praise her for this virtue. She sometimes gave to the last +penny in the house, though she had a large family to maintain, and yet +she did not fail in her faith. + +My mother's only care about me had been all along to have me in the +house, which indeed is one material point for a girl. This habit of +being so constantly kept within, proved of great service after my +marriage. It would have been better had she kept me more in her own +apartment, with an agreeable freedom and inquired oftener what part of +the house I was in. + +After my cousin left me, God granted me the grace to forgive injuries +with such readiness, that my confessor was surprised. He knew that some +young ladies had, out of envy, traduced me and that I spoke well of +them as occasion offered. I was seized with an ague, which lasted four +months, in which I suffered much. During that time, I was enabled to +suffer with much resignation and patience. In this frame of mind and +manner of life I persevered, so long as I continued the practice of +mental prayer. + +Later we went to pass some days in the country. My father took along +with us one of his relations, a very accomplished young gentleman. He +had a great desire to marry me; but my father, resolved not to give me +to any near kinsman on account of the difficulty obtaining +dispensations, put him off, without alleging any false or frivolous +reasons for it. As this young gentleman was very devout, and every day +said the office of the Virgin, I said it with him. To have time for it, +I left off prayer which was to me the first inlet of evils. Yet, I kept +up for a long time some share of the spirit of piety; for I went to +seek out the little shepherdesses, to instruct them in their religious +duties. This spirit gradually decayed, not being nourished by prayer. I +became cold toward God. All my old faults revived to which I added an +excessive vanity. The love I began to have for myself extinguished what +remained in me of the love of God. + +I did not wholly leave off mental prayer, without asking my confessor's +leave. I told him I thought it better to say the office of the Virgin +every day than to practice prayer; I had not time for both. I saw not +that this was a stratagem of the enemy to draw me from God, to entangle +me in the snares he had laid for me. I had time sufficient for both, as +I had no other occupation than what I prescribed to myself. My +confessor was easy in the matter. Not being a man of prayer he gave his +consent to my great hurt. + +Oh, my God, if the value of prayer were but known, the great advantage +which accrues to the soul from conversing with Thee, and what +consequence it is of to salvation, everyone would be assiduous in it. +It is a stronghold into which the enemy cannot enter. He may attack it, +besiege it, make a noise about its walls; but while we are faithful and +hold our station, he cannot hurt us. It is alike requisite to dictate +to children the necessity of prayer as of their salvation. Alas! +unhappily, it is thought sufficient to tell them that there is a Heaven +and a Hell; that they must endeavor to avoid the latter and attain the +former; yet they are not taught the shortest and easiest way of +arriving at it. The only way to Heaven is prayer; a prayer of the +heart, which every one is capable of, and not of reasonings which are +the fruits of study, or exercise of the imagination, which, in filling +the mind with wandering objects, rarely settle it; instead of warming +the heart with love to God, they leave it cold and languishing. Let the +poor come, let the ignorant and carnal come; let the children without +reason or knowledge come, let the dull or hard hearts which can retain +nothing come to the practice of prayer and they shall become wise. + +O ye great, wise and rich, have ye not a heart capable of loving what +is proper for you and of hating what is destructive? Love the sovereign +good, hate all evil, and ye will be truly wise. When ye love anyone, is +it because ye know the reasons of love and its definitions? No, +certainly. Ye love because your heart is formed to love what it finds +amiable. Surely you cannot but know that there is nought lovely in the +universe but God. Know ye not that He has created you, that He has died +for you? But if these reasons are not sufficient, which of you has not +some necessity, some trouble, or some misfortune? Which of you does not +know how to tell his malady, and beg relief? Come, then, to this +Fountain of all good, without complaining to weak and impotent +creatures, who cannot help you; come to prayer; lay before God your +troubles, beg His grace--and above all, that you may love Him. None can +exempt himself from loving; for none can live without a heart, nor the +heart without love. + +Why should any amuse themselves, in seeking reasons for loving Love +itself? Let us love without reasoning about it, and we shall find +ourselves filled with love, before the others have learned the reasons +which induced to it. Make trial of this love, and you will be wiser in +it than the most skillful philosophers. In love, as in everything else, +experience instructs better than reasoning. Come then, drink at this +fountain of living waters, instead of the broken cisterns of the +creature, which far from allaying your thirst, only tend continually to +augment it. Did ye once drink at this fountain, ye would not seek +elsewhere for anything to quench your thirst; for while ye still +continue to draw from this source, ye would thirst no longer after the +world. But if ye quit it, alas! the enemy has the ascendant. He will +give you of his poisoned draughts, which may have an apparent +sweetness, but will assuredly rob you of life. + +I forsook the fountain of living water when I left off prayer. I +became as a vineyard exposed to pillage, hedges torn down with liberty +to all the passengers to ravage it. I began to seek in the creature +what I had found in God. He left me to myself, because I first left +him. It was His will by permitting me to sink into the horrible pit, to +make me feel the necessity I was in of approaching Him in prayer. + +Thou hast said, that Thou wilt destroy those adulterous souls who +depart from Thee. Alas! it is their departure alone which causes their +destruction, since, in departing from Thee, O Sun of Righteousness, +they enter into the regions of darkness and the coldness of death, from +which they would never rise, if Thou didst not revisit them. If Thou +didst not by thy divine light, illuminate their darkness, and by thy +enlivening warmth, melt their icy hearts, and restore them to life, +they would never rise. + +I fell then into the greatest of all misfortunes. I wandered yet +farther and farther from Thee, O my God, and thou didst gradually +retire from a heart which had quitted Thee. Yet such is thy goodness, +that it seemed as if Thou hadst left me with regret; and when this +heart was desirous to return again unto Thee, with what speed didst +Thou come to meet it. This proof of Thy love and mercy, shall be to me +an everlasting testimony of thy goodness and of my own ingratitude. + +I became still more passionate than I had ever been, as age gave more +force to nature. I was frequently guilty of lying. I felt my heart +corrupt and vain. The spark of divine grace was almost extinguished in +me, and I fell into a state of indifference and indevotion, though I +still carefully kept up outside appearances. The habit I had acquired +of behaving at church made me appear better than I was. Vanity, which +had been excluded to my heart now resumed its seat. I began to pass a +great part of my time before a looking glass. I found so much pleasure +in viewing myself, that I thought others were in the right who +practiced the same. Instead of making use of this exterior, which God +had given me, that I might love Him the more, it became to me only the +means of a vain complacency. All seemed to me to look beautiful in my +person, but I saw not that it covered a polluted soul. This rendered me +so inwardly vain, that I doubt whether any ever exceeded me therein. +There was an affected modesty in my outward deportment that would have +deceived the world. + +The high esteem I had for myself made me find faults in everyone else +of my own sex. I had no eyes but to see my own good qualities, and to +discover the defects of others. I hid my own faults from myself, or if +I remarked any, yet to me they appeared little in comparison of others. +I excused, and even figured them to myself as perfections. Every idea I +had of others and of myself was false. I loved reading to such excess, +particularly romances, that I spent whole days and nights at them. +Sometimes the day broke while I continued to read, insomuch, that for a +length of time I almost lost the habit of sleeping. I was ever eager to +get to the end of the book, in hopes of finding something to satisfy a +certain craving which I found within me. My thirst for reading was only +increased the more I read. Books are strange inventions to destroy +youth. If they caused no other hurt than the loss of precious time, is +not that too much? I was not restrained, but rather encouraged to read +them under this fallacious pretext, that they taught one to speak well. + +Meanwhile, through thy abundant mercy, O my God, Thou camest to seek me +from time to time, Thou didst indeed knock at the door of my heart. I +was often penetrated with the most lively sorrow and shed abundance of +tears. I was afflicted to find my state so different from what it was +when I enjoyed Thy sacred presence; but my tears were fruitless and my +grief in vain. I could not of myself get out of this wretched state. I +wished some hand as charitable as powerful would extricate me; as for +myself I had no power. If I had had any friend, who would have examined +the cause of this evil, and made me have recourse again to prayer, +which was the only means of relief, all would have been well. I was +(like the prophet) in a deep abyss of mire, which I could not get out +off. I met with reprimands for being in it, but none were kind enough +to reach out to free me. And when I tried vain efforts to get out, I +only sunk the deeper, and each fruitless attempt only made me see my +own impotence, and rendered me more afflicted. + +Oh, how much compassion has this sad experience given me for sinners. +It has taught me why so few of them emerge from the miserable state +into which they have fallen. Such as see it only cry out against their +disorders, and frighten them with threats of future punishment! These +cries and threats at first make some impression, and they use some weak +efforts after liberty, but, after having experienced their +insufficiency, they gradually abate in their design, and lose their +courage for trying any more. All that man can say to them afterward is +but lost labor, though one preach to them incessantly. When any for +relief run to confess, the only true remedy for them is prayer; to +present themselves before God as criminals, beg strength of Him to rise +out of this state. Then would they soon be changed, and brought out of +the mire and clay. But the devil has falsely persuaded the doctors and +the wise men of the age, that, in order to pray, it is necessary first +to be perfectly converted. Hence people are dissuaded from it, and +hence there is rarely any conversion that is durable. The devil is +outrageous only against prayer, and those that exercise it; because he +knows it is the true means of taking his prey from him. He lets us +undergo all the austerities we will. He neither persecutes those that +enjoy them nor those that practice them. But no sooner does one enter +into a spiritual life, a life of prayer, but they must prepare for +strange crosses. All manner of persecutions and contempts in this world +are reserved for that life. + +Miserable as the condition was to which I was reduced by my +infidelities, and the little help I had from my confessor, I did not +fail to say my vocal prayers every day, to confess pretty often, and to +partake of the communion almost every fortnight. Sometimes I went to +church to weep, and to pray to the Blessed Virgin to obtain my +conversion. I loved to hear anyone speak of God, and would never tire +of the conversation. When my father spoke of Him, I was transported +with joy; and when he and my mother went on any pilgrimage, and were to +set off early in the morning, I either did not go to bed the night +before, or hired the girls to awake me early. My father's conversation +at such times was always of divine matters, which afforded me the +highest delight, and I preferred that subject to any other. I also +loved the poor, and was charitable, even while I was so very faulty. +How strange may this seem to some, and how hard to reconcile things so +very opposite. + + + + +CHAPTER 6 + + +Afterward we came to Paris where my vanity increased. No course was +spared to make me appear to advantage. I was forward enough to show +myself and expose my pride, in making a parade of this vain beauty. I +wanted to be loved of everyone and to love none. Several apparently +advantageous offers of marriage were made for me; but God unwilling to +have me lost did not permit matters to succeed. My father still found +difficulties, which my all-wise Creator raised for my salvation. Had I +married any of these persons, I should have been much exposed, and my +vanity would have had means to extend itself. + +There was one person who had asked for me in marriage for several +years. My father, for family reasons, had always refused him. His +manners were opposite to my vanity. A fear lest I should leave my +country, together with the affluent circumstances of this gentleman, +induced my father, in spite of both his own and my mother's reluctance, +to promise me to him. This was done without consulting me. They made me +sign the marriage articles without letting me know what they were. I +was well pleased with the thoughts of marriage, flattering myself with +a hope of being thereby set at full liberty, and delivered from the +ill-treatment of my mother which I drew upon myself. God ordered it far +otherwise. The condition which I found myself in afterward, frustrated +my hopes. + +Pleasing as marriage was to my thoughts, I was all the time, after my +being promised, and even long after my marriage, in extreme confusion, +which arose from two causes. First, my natural modesty, which I did not +lose. I had much reserve toward men. The other, my vanity. Though the +husband provided was a more advantageous match than I merited, yet I +did not think him such. The figure which the others made, who had +offered to me before, was vastly more engaging. Their rank would have +placed me in view. Whatever did not flatter my vanity, was to me +insupportable. Yet this very vanity was, I think, of some advantage; it +hindered me from falling into such things as cause the ruin of +families. I would not do anything which in the eye of the world, might +render me culpable. As I was modest at church and had not been used to +go abroad without my mother, as the reputation of our house was great, +I passed for virtuous. + +I did not see my spouse elect (at Paris) till two or three days before +our marriage. I caused masses to be said all the time after my being +contracted, to know the will of God. I wished to do it in this affair +at least. + +Oh, my God, how great was thy goodness, to bear with me at this time, +and to allow me to pray to Thee with as much boldness, as if I had been +one of thy friends, I who had rebelled against Thee as thy greatest +enemy. + +The joy of our nuptials was universal through our village. Amid this +general rejoicing, there appeared none sad but myself. I could neither +laugh as others did, nor even eat; so much was I depressed. I knew not +the cause. It was a foretaste which God gave me of what was to befall +me. The remembrance of the desire I had of being a nun, came pouring +in. All who came to compliment me, the day after, could not forbear +rallying me. I wept bitterly. I answered, "Alas! I had desired so much +to be a nun; why then am I now married? By what fatality has such a +revolution befallen me?" No sooner was I at the house of my new spouse, +than I perceived that it would be for me a house of mourning. + +I was obliged to change my conduct. Their manner of living was very +different from that in my father's house. My mother-in-law, who had +long been a widow, regarded nothing else but economy. At my father's +house they lived in a noble manner and great elegance. What my husband +and mother-in-law called pride, and I called politeness, was observed +there. I was very much surprised at this change, and so much the more, +as my vanity wished to increase, rather than to be diminished. + +At the time of my marriage I was a little past fifteen years of age. My +surprise increased greatly, when I saw I must lose what I had acquired +with so much application. At my father's house we were obliged to +behave in a genteel way, and to speak with propriety. All that I said +was applauded. Here they never hearkened to me, but to contradict and +find fault. If I spoke well, they said it was to give them a lesson. If +any questions were started at my father's, he encouraged me to speak +freely. Here, if I spoke my sentiments, they said it was to enter into +a dispute. They put me to silence in an abrupt and shameful manner, and +scolded me from morning till night. + +I should have some difficulty to give you an account, which cannot be +done without wounding charity, if you had not forbidden me to omit any +one. I request you not to look at things on the side of the creature, +which would make these persons appear worse than they were. My +mother-in-law had virtue, my husband had religion, and not any vice. It +is requisite to look at everything on the side of God. He permitted +these things only for my salvation, and because He would not have me +lost. I had beside so much pride, that had I received any other +treatment, I should have continued therein, and should not, perhaps, +have turned to God as I was induced to do, by the oppression of a +multitude of crosses. + +My mother-in-law conceived such a desire to oppose me in everything, +that, in order to vex me, she made me perform the most humiliating +offices. Her disposition was so extraordinary, having never surmounted +it in her youth, that she could hardly live with anybody. Saying none +than vocal prayers, she did not see this fault; or seeing it, and not +drawing from the forces of prayer, she could not get the better of it. +It was a pity, for she had both sense and merit. I was made the victim +of her humors. All her occupation was to thwart me and she inspired the +like sentiments in her son. They would make persons my inferiors take +place above me. My mother, who had a high sense of honor, could not +endure that. When she heard it from others (for I told her nothing) she +chided me thinking I did it because I did not know how to keep my rank +and had no spirit. I dared not tell her how it was; but I was almost +ready to die with the agonies of grief and continual vexation. What +aggravated all was the remembrance of the persons who had proposed for +me, the difference of their dispositions and manners, the love they had +for me, with their agreeableness and politeness. All this made my +burden intolerable. My mother-in-law upbraided me in regard to my +family, and spoke to me incessantly to the disadvantage of my father +and mother. I never went to see them, but I had some bitter speeches to +bear on my return. + +My mother complained that I did not come often enough to see her. She +said I did not love her, that I was alienated from my family by being +too much attached to my husband. + +What augmented my crosses was that my mother related to my +mother-in-law the pains I had cost her from infancy. They then +reproached me, saying, I was a changeling, and an evil spirit. My +husband obliged me to stay all day long in my mother-in-law's room, +without any liberty of retiring into my own apartment. She spoke +disadvantageously of me, to lessen the affection and esteem which some +had entertained for me. She galled me with the grossest affronts before +the finest company. This did not have the effect she wanted; the more +patiently they saw me bear it, the higher esteem they had for me. + +She found the secret of extinguishing my vivacity, and rendering me +stupid. Some of my former acquaintances hardly knew me. Those who had +not seen me before said, "Is this the person famed for such abundance +of wit? She can't say two words. She is a fine picture." I was not yet +sixteen years old. I was so much intimidated, that I dared not go out +without my mother-in-law, and in her presence I could not speak. I knew +not what I said; so much fear had I. + +To complete my affliction, they presented me with a waiting-maid who +was everything with them. She kept me in sight like a governess. For +the most part I bore with patience these evils which I had no way to +avoid. But sometimes I let some hasty answer escape me, a source of +grievous crosses to me. When I went out, the footmen had orders to give +an account of everything I did. It was then I began to eat the bread of +sorrows, and to mingle tears with my drink. At the table they always +did something which covered me with confusion. I could not forbear +tears. I had no one to confide in who might share my affliction, and +assist me to bear it. When I would impart some hint of it to my mother, +I drew upon myself new crosses. I resolved to have no confidant. It was +not from any natural cruelty that my husband treated me thus; he loved +me passionately, but he was warm and hasty, and my mother-in-law +continually irritated him about me. + +It was in a condition so deplorable, O my God, that I began to perceive +the need I had of Thy assistance. For this situation was perilous for +me. I met with none but admirers abroad, those that flattered me to my +hurt. It were to be feared lest at such a tender age, amid all the +strange domestic crosses I had to bear, I might be drawn away. But +Thou, by Thy goodness and love, gave it quite another turn. By these +redoubled strokes Thou didst draw me to Thyself, and by Thy crosses +effected what Thy caresses could not effect. Nay, Thou madest use of my +natural pride, to keep me within the limits of my duty. I knew that a +woman of honor ought never to give suspicion to her husband. I was so +very circumspect that I often carried it to excess, so far as to refuse +my hand to such as in politeness offered me theirs. There happened to +me an adventure which, by carrying my prudence too far, might have +ruined me, for things were taken contrary to their intent. My husband +was sensible both of my innocence and of the falsehood of the +insinuations of my mother-in-law. + +Such weighty crosses made me return to God. I began to deplore the sins +of my youth. Since my marriage I had not committed any voluntarily. Yet +I still had some sentiments of vanity remaining, which I did not wish. +However, my troubles now counter-balanced them. Moreover, many of them +appeared my just dessert according to the little light I then had. I +was not illuminated to penetrate the essence of my vanity; I fixed my +thoughts only on its appearance. I tried to amend my life by penance, +and by a general confession, the most exact that I ever yet had made. I +laid aside the reading of romances, for which I lately had such a +fondness. Though some time before my marriage that had been dampened by +reading the Gospel, I was so much affected therewith, and discovered +truth therein, that put me out of patience with all the other books. +Novels appeared then to me only full of lies and deceit. I now put away +even indifferent books, to have none but such as were profitable. I +resumed the practice of prayer, and endeavored to offend God no more. I +felt His love gradually recovering the ascendant in my heart, and +banishing every other. Yet I had still an intolerable vanity and +self-complacency, which has been my most grievous and obstinate sin. + +My crosses redoubled. What rendered them more painful was, that my +mother-in-law, not content with the bitterest speeches which she +uttered against me, both in public and private, would break out in +anger about the smallest trifles, and scarcely be pacified for a +fortnight. I used a part of my time in bewailing myself when I could be +alone; and my grief became every day more bitter. Sometimes I could not +contain myself, when the girls, my domestics, who owed me submission, +treated me ill. I did what I could to subdue my temper which has cost +me not a little. + +Such stunning blows so impaired the vivacity of my nature, that I +became like a lamb that is shorn. I prayed to our Lord to assist me, +and He was my refuge. As my age differed from theirs (for my husband +was twenty-two years older than I) I saw well that there was no +probability of changing their dispositions, which were fortified with +years. I found that whatever I said was offensive, not excepting those +things which others would have been pleased with. + +One day, weighed down with grief and in despair, about six months after +I was married, being alone, I was tempted even to cut out my tongue so +I might no longer irritate those who seized every word I uttered with +rage and resentment. + +But Thou, O God, didst stop me short and showed me my folly. I prayed +continually, and wished even to become dumb, so simple and ignorant was +I. Though I have had my share of crosses, I never found any so +difficult to support as that of perpetual contrariety without +relaxation of doing all one can to please, without succeeding, but +still offending by the very means designed to oblige. Being kept with +such persons, in a most severe confinement, from morning till night, +without ever daring to quit them is most difficult. I have found that +great crosses overwhelm, and stifle all anger. Such a continual +contrariety irritates and stirs up sourness in the heart. It has such +strange effect, that it requires the utmost efforts of self-restraint, +not to break out into vexation and rage. + +My condition in marriage was rather that of a slave than of a free +person. I perceived, four months after my marriage, that my husband was +gouty. This malady caused many crosses within and without. He had the +gout twice the first year, six weeks each time. He was so much plagued +with it, that he came no more out of his room, nor out of his bed. He +was in bed usually for several months. I carefully attended him +although so very young. I did not fail to exert myself to the utmost in +the performance of my duty. Alas! all this did not gain me friendship. +I had not the consolation to know whether what I did was agreeable. I +denied myself all the most innocent diversions to continue with my +husband. I did whatever I thought would please him. Sometimes he +quietly suffered me, and then I esteemed myself very happy. At other +times I seemed insupportable to him. My particular friends said, "I was +of a fine age indeed to be a nurse to an invalid, and that it was a +shameful thing that I did not set more value on my talents." I +answered, "Since I have a husband, I ought to share his painful as well +as his pleasing circumstances." Besides this, my mother, instead of +pitying me, reprimanded me sharply for my assiduity to my husband. + +But, O my God, how different were Thy thoughts from theirs,--how +different that which was without, from what passed within! My husband +had that foible, that when anyone said anything to him against me, he +flew into a rage at once. It was the conduct of providence over me; for +he was a man of reason and loved me much. When I was sick, he was +inconsolable. I believe, had it not been for my mother-in-law, and the +girl I have spoken of, I should have been very happy with him. Most men +have their moods and emotions, and it is the duty of a reasonable woman +to bear them peaceably, without irritating them more by cross replies. + +These things Thou hast ordered, O my God, in such a manner, by Thy +goodness, that I have since seen it was necessary, to make me die to my +vain and haughty nature. I should not have had power to destroy it +myself, if thou hadst not accomplished it by an all-wise economy of thy +providence. I prayed for patience with great earnestness; nevertheless, +some sallies of my natural liveliness escaped me, and vanquished the +resolutions I had taken of being silent. This was doubtless permitted, +that my self-love might not be nourished by my patience. Even a +moment's slip caused me months of humiliation, reproach and sorrow, and +proved the occasion of new crosses. + + + + +CHAPTER 7 + + +During the first year I was still vain. I sometimes lied to excuse +myself to my husband and mother-in-law. I stood strangely in awe of +them. Sometimes I fell into a temper, their conduct appeared so very +unreasonable, and especially their countenancing the most provoking +treatment of the girl who served me. As to my mother-in-law, her age +and rank rendered her conduct more tolerable. + +But Thou, O my God, opened my eyes to see things in a very different +light. I found in Thee reasons for suffering, which I had never found +in the creature. I afterward saw clearly and reflected with joy, that +this conduct, as unreasonable as it seemed, and as mortifying as it +was, was quite necessary for me. Had I been applauded here as I was at +my father's, I should have grown intolerably proud. I had a fault +common to most of our sex--I could not hear a beautiful woman praised, +without finding fault, to lessen the good which was said of her. This +fault continued long, and was the fruit of gross and malignant pride. +Extravagantly extolling anyone proceeds from a like source. + +Just before the birth of my first child, they were induced to take +great care of me. My crosses were somewhat mitigated. Indeed, I was so +ill that it was enough to excite the compassion of the most +indifferent. They had so great a desire of having children to inherit +their fortunes, that they were continually afraid lest I should any way +hurt myself. Yet, when the time of my delivery drew near, this care and +tenderness of me abated. Once, as my mother-in-law had treated me in a +very grating manner, I had the malice to feign a cholic, to give them +some alarm; but as I saw this little artifice gave them too much pain, +I told them I was better. No creature could be more heavily laden with +sickness than I was. Beside continual heavings, I had so strange a +distaste, except for some fruit, that I could not bear the sight of +food. I had continual swoonings and violent pains. After my delivery I +continued weak a long time. There was indeed sufficient to exercise +patience, and I was enabled to offer up my sufferings to our Lord. I +took a fever, which rendered me so weak, that after several weeks I +could scarcely bear to be moved or to have my bed made. When I began to +recover, an abscess fell upon my breast, which was forced to be laid +open in two places, which gave me great pain. Yet all the maladies +seemed to me only a shadow of troubles, in comparison with those I +suffered in the family which daily increased. Indeed, life was so +wearisome to me, that those maladies which were thought mortal did not +frighten me. + +The event improved my appearance, and consequently served to increase +my vanity. I was glad to call forth expressions of regard. I went to +the public promenades (though but seldom) and when in the streets, I +pulled off my mask out of vanity. I drew off my gloves to show my +hands. Could there be greater folly? After falling into these +weaknesses, I used to weep bitterly at home. Yet, when occasion +offered, I fell into them again. + +My husband lost considerably. This cost me strange crosses, not that I +cared for the losses, but I seemed to be the butt of all the ill-humors +of the family. With what pleasure did I sacrifice temporal blessings. +How often I felt willing to have begged my bread, if God had so ordered +it. But my mother-in-law was inconsolable. She bid me pray to God for +these things. To me that was wholly impossible. + +O my dearest Lord, never could I pray to Thee about the world, or the +things thereof; nor sully my sacred addresses to Thy majesty with the +dirt of the earth. No; I rather wish to renounce it all, and everything +beside whatsoever, for the sake of Thy love, and the enjoyment of Thy +presence in that kingdom which is not of this world. I wholly +sacrificed myself to Thee, even earnestly begging Thee rather to reduce +our family to beggary, than suffer it to offend thee. + +In my own mind I excused my mother-in-law, saying to myself, "If I had +taken the pains to scrape and save, I would not be so indifferent at +seeing so much lost. I enjoy what cost me nothing, and reap what I have +not sowed." Yet all these thoughts could not make me sensible to our +losses. I even formed agreeable ideas of our going to the hospital. No +state appeared to me so poor and miserable, which I should not have +thought easy, in comparison with the continual domestic persecutions I +underwent. My father, who loved me tenderly, and whom I honored beyond +expression, knew nothing of it. God so permitted it, that I should have +him also displeased with me for some time. My mother was continually +telling him that I was an ungrateful creature, showing no regard for +them, but all for my husband's family. Appearances were against me. I +did not go to see them as often as I should. They knew not the +captivity I was in; what I was obliged to bear in defending them. These +complaints of my mother, and a trivial affair that fell out, lessened a +little my father's fond regard for me; but it did not last long. My +mother-in-law reproached me, saying, "No afflictions befell them till I +came into the house. All misfortunes came with me." On the other hand +my mother wanted me to exclaim against my husband which I could never +submit to do. + +We continued to meet with loss after loss, the king retrenching a +considerable share of our revenues, besides great sums of money, which +we lost by L'Hotel de Ville. I could have no rest or peace, in such +great afflictions. I had no mortal to console me, or to advise me. My +sister, who had educated me, had departed this life. She died two +months before my marriage. I had no other for a confidant. + +I declare, that I find much repugnance in saying so many things of my +mother-in-law. I have no doubt that my own indiscretion, my caprice, +and the occasional sallies of a warm temper, drew many of the crosses +upon me. Although I had what the world calls patience, yet I had +neither a relish nor love for the cross. Their conduct toward me, which +appeared so unreasonable, should not be looked upon with worldly eyes. +We should look higher and then we shall see that it was directed by +Providence for my eternal advantage. + +I now dressed my hair in the most modest manner, never painted, and to +subdue the vanity which still had possession of me, I rarely looked in +the glass. My reading was confined to books of devotion, such as Thomas +a'Kempis, and the works of St. Francis de Sales. I read these aloud for +the improvement of the servants, while the maid was dressing my hair. I +suffered myself to be dressed just as she pleased, which freed me from +a great deal of trouble. It took away the occasions wherein my vanity +used to be exercised. I knew not how things were; but they always liked +me, and thought all well in point of dress. If on some particular days +I wanted to appear better, it proved worse. The more indifferent I was +about dress the better I appeared. How often have I gone to church, not +so much to worship God as to be seen. Other women, jealous of me, +affirmed that I painted; they told my confessor, who chided me for it, +though I assured him I was innocent. I often spoke in my own praise, +and sought to raise myself by depreciating others. Yet these faults +gradually deceased; for I was very sorry afterward for having committed +them. I often examined myself very strictly, writing down my faults +from week to week, and from month to month, to see how much I was +improved or reformed. Alas! this labor, though fatiguing, was of but +little service, because I trusted in my own efforts. I wished indeed to +be reformed, but my good desires were weak and languid. + +At one time my husband's absence was so long, and in the meantime my +crosses and vexations at home so great, that I determined to go to him. +My mother-in-law strongly opposed it. This once my father interfering, +and insisting on it, she let me go. On my arrival I found he had almost +died. Through vexation and fretting he was very much changed. He could +not finish his affairs, having no liberty in attending to them, keeping +himself concealed at the Hotel de Longueville, where Madame de +Longueville was extremely kind to me. I came publicly, and he was in +great fear lest I should make him known. In a rage he bid me return +home. Love and my long absence from him surmounting every other reason, +he soon relented and suffered me to stay with him. He kept me eight +days without letting me stir out of his sight. Fearing the effects of +such a close confinement on my constitution, he desired me to go and +take a walk in the garden. There I met Madame de Longueville, who +testified great joy on seeing me. + +I cannot express all the kindness I met with in this house. All the +domestics served me with emulation, and applauded me on account of my +appearance, and exterior deportment. Yet I was much on my guard against +too much attention. I never entered into discourse with any man when +alone. I admitted none into my coach, not even my relations, unless my +husband were in it. There was not any rule of discretion which I did +not duly observe, to avoid giving suspicion to my husband, or subject +of calumny to others. Everyone studied there how to contribute to +divert or oblige me. Outwardly everything appeared agreeable. Chagrin +had so overcome and ruffled my husband that I had continually something +to bear. Sometimes he threatened to throw the supper out of the +windows. I said, he would then do me an injury, as I had a keen +appetite. I made him laugh and I laughed with him. Before that, +melancholy prevailed over all my endeavors, and over the love he had +for me. God both armed me with patience and gave me the grace to return +him no answer. The devil, who attempted to draw me into some offence, +was forced to retire in confusion, through the signal assistance of +that grace. + +I loved my God and was unwilling to displease Him, and I was inwardly +grieved on account of that vanity, which still I found myself unable to +eradicate. Inward distresses, together with oppressive crosses, which I +had daily to encounter, at length threw me into sickness. As I was +unwilling to incommode the Hotel de Longueville I had myself moved to +another house. The disease proved violent and tedious, insomuch that +the physicians despaired of my life. The priest, a pious man, seemed +fully satisfied with the state of my mind. He said, "I should die like +a saint." But my sins were too present and too painful to my heart to +have such presumption. At midnight they administered the sacrament to +me as they hourly expected my departure. It was a scene of general +distress in the family and among all who knew me. There were none +indifferent to my death but myself. I beheld it without fear, and was +insensible to its approach. It was far otherwise with my husband. He +was inconsolable when he saw there was no hope. I no sooner began to +recover, than notwithstanding all his love, his usual fretfulness +returned. I recovered almost miraculously and to me this disorder +proved a great blessing. Beside a very great patience under violent +pains, it served to instruct me much in my view of the emptiness of all +worldly things. It detached me from myself and gave me new courage to +suffer better than I had done. The love of God gathered strength in my +heart, with a desire to please and be faithful to Him in my condition. +I reaped several other advantages from it which I need not relate, I +had yet six months to drag along with a slow fever. It was thought that +it would terminate in death. + +Thy time, O my God, had not yet arrived for taking me to Thyself. Thy +designs over me were widely different from the expectations of those +about me; it being Thy determination to make me both the object of Thy +mercy and the victim of Thy justice. + + + + +CHAPTER 8 + + +After long languishing, at length I regained my former health. About +this time my dear mother departed this life in great tranquility of +mind. Beside her other good qualities, she had been particularly +charitable to the poor. This virtue, so acceptable to God, He was +graciously pleased to commence rewarding even in this life. Though she +was but twenty-four hours sick, she was made perfectly easy about +everything that was near and dear to her in this world. + +I now applied myself to my duties, never failing to practice that of +prayer twice a day. I watched over myself, to subdue my spirit +continually. I went to visit the poor in their houses, assisting them +in their distresses. I did (according to my understanding) all the good +I knew. + +Thou, O my God, increased both my love and my patience, in proportion +to my sufferings. I regretted not the temporal advantages with which my +mother distinguished my brother above me. Yet they fell on me about +that, as about everything else. I also had for some time a severe ague. +I did not indeed serve Thee yet with that fervor which Thou didst give +me soon after. For I would still have been glad to reconcile Thy love +with the love of myself and of the creature. Unhappily I always found +some who loved me, and whom I could not forbear wishing to please. It +was not that I loved them, but it was for the love that I bore to +myself. + +A lady, an exile, came to my father's house. He offered her an +apartment which she accepted, and she stayed a long time. She was one +of true piety and inward devotion. She had a great esteem for me, +because I desired to love God. She remarked that I had the virtues of +an active and bustling life; but I had not yet attained the simplicity +of prayer which she experienced. Sometimes she dropped a word to me on +that subject. As my time had not yet come, I did not understand her. +Her example instructed me more than her words. I observed on her +countenance something which marked a great enjoyment of the presence of +God. By the exertion of studied reflection and thoughts I tried to +attain it but to little purpose. I wanted to have, by my own efforts, +what I could not acquire except by ceasing from all efforts. + +My father's nephew, of whom I have made mention before, was returned +from Cochin China, to take over some priests from Europe. I was +exceedingly glad to see him, and remembered what good he had done me. +The lady mentioned was no less rejoiced than I. They understood each +other immediately and conversed in a spiritual language. The virtue of +this excellent relation charmed me. I admired his continual prayer +without being able to comprehend it. I endeavored to meditate, and to +think on God without intermission, to utter prayers and ejaculations. I +could not acquire, by all my toil, what God at length gave me Himself, +and which is experienced only in simplicity. My cousin did all he could +to attach me more strongly to God. He conceived great affection for me. +The purity he observed in me from the corruptions of the age, the +abhorrence of sin at a time of life when others are beginning to relish +the pleasures of it, (I was not yet eighteen), gave him a great +tenderness for me. I complained to him of my faults ingenuously. These +I saw clearly. He cheered and exhorted me to support myself, and to +persevere in my good endeavors. He would fain have introduced me into a +more simple manner of prayer, but I was not yet ready for it. I believe +his prayers were more effectual than his words. + +No sooner was he gone out of my father's house, than thou, O Divine +Love, manifested thy favor. The desire I had to please Thee, the tears +I shed, the manifold pains I underwent, the labors I sustained, and the +little fruit I reaped from them, moved Thee with compassion. This was +the state of my soul when Thy goodness, surpassing all my vileness and +infidelities, and abounding in proportion to my wretchedness, granted +me in a moment, what all my own efforts could never procure. Beholding +me rowing with laborious toil, the breath of Thy divine operations +turned in my favor, and carried me full sail over this sea of +affliction. + +I had often spoken to my confessor about the great anxiety it gave me +to find I could not meditate, nor exert my imagination in order to +pray. Subjects of prayer which were too extensive were useless to me. +Those which were short and pithy suited me better. + +At length, God permitted a very religious person, of the order of St. +Francis, to pass by my father's dwelling. He had intended going another +way that was shorter, but a secret power changed his design. He saw +there was something for him to do, and imagined that God had called him +for the conversion of a man of some distinction in that country. His +labors there proved fruitless. It was the conquest of my soul which was +designed. As soon as he arrived he came to see my father who rejoiced +at his coming. At this time I was about to be delivered of my second +son, and my father was dangerously ill, expected to die. For some time +they concealed his sickness from me. An indiscreet person abruptly told +me. Instantly I arose, weak as I was, and went to see him. A dangerous +illness came upon me. My father was recovered, but not entirely, enough +to give me new marks of his affection. I told him of the strong desire +I had to love God, and my great sorrow at not being able to do it +fully. He thought he could not give me a more solid indication of his +love than in procuring me an acquaintance with this worthy man. He told +me what he knew of him, and urged me to go and see him. + +At first I made a difficulty of doing it, being intent on observing the +rules of the strictest prudence. However, my father's repeated requests +had with me the weight of a positive command. I thought I could not do +that amiss, which I only did in obedience to him. I took a kinswoman +with me. At first he seemed a little confused; for he was reserved +toward women. Being newly come out of a five years' solitude, he was +surprised that I was the first to address him. He spoke not a word for +some time. I knew not to what attribute his silence. I did not hesitate +to speak to him, and to tell him a few words, my difficulties about +prayer. Presently he replied, "It is, madame, because you seek without +what you have within. Accustom yourself to seek God in your heart, and +you will there find Him." + +Having said these words, he left me. They were to me like the stroke of +a dart, which penetrated through my heart. I felt a very deep wound, a +wound so delightful that I desired not to be cured. These words brought +into my heart what I had been seeking so many years. Rather they +discovered to me what was there, and which I had not enjoyed for want +of knowing it. + +O my Lord, Thou wast in my heart, and demanded only a simple turning of +my mind inward, to make me perceive Thy presence. Oh, Infinite +Goodness! how was I running hither and thither to seek Thee, my life +was a burden to me, although my happiness was within myself. I was poor +in riches, and ready to perish with hunger, near a table plentifully +spread, and a continual feast. O Beauty, ancient and new; why have I +known Thee so late? Alas! I sought Thee where Thou wert not, and did +not seek Thee where thou wert. It was for want of understanding these +words of Thy Gospel, "The kingdom of God cometh not with observation... +The kingdom of God is within you." This I now experienced. Thou +becamest my King, and my heart Thy kingdom, wherein Thou didst reign +supreme, and performed all Thy sacred will. + +I told this man, that I did not know what he had done to me, that my +heart was quite changed, that God was there. He had given me an +experience of His presence in my soul; not by thought or any +application of mind, but as a thing really possessed after the sweetest +manner. I experienced these words in the Canticles (Song of Solomon): +"Thy name is as precious ointment poured forth; therefore do the +virgins love thee." I felt in my soul an unction which, as a salutary +balsam, healed in a moment all my wounds. + +I slept not that whole night, because Thy love, O my God, flowed in me +like a delicious oil, and burned as a fire which was going to devour +all that was left of self. I was suddenly so altered that I was hardly +to be known either by myself or others. I found no longer those +troublesome faults or reluctances. They disappeared, being consumed +like chaff in a great fire. + +I now became desirous that the instrument hereof might become my +director, preferable to any other. This good father could not readily +resolve to charge himself with my conduct although he saw so surprising +a change effected by the hand of God. Several reasons induced him to +excuse himself. First, my person, then my youth, for I was only +nineteen years. Lastly, a promise he had made to God, from a distrust +of himself, never to take upon himself the direction of any of our sex, +unless God, by some particular providence, should charge him therewith. +However, upon my earnest and repeated request to him to become my +director, he said he would pray to God and desired that I should do so. +As he was at prayer, it was said to him, "Fear not that charge; she is +my spouse." When I heard this, it affected me greatly. "What (said I to +myself) a frightful monster of iniquity, who has done so much to offend +my God, in abusing His favors, and requiting them with ingratitude, now +to be declared his spouse!" After this he consented to my request. + +Nothing was more easy to me than prayer. Hours passed away like +moments, while I could hardly do anything else but pray. The fervency +of my love allowed me no intermission. It was a prayer of rejoicing and +possessing, devoid of all busy imaginations and forced reflections; it +was a prayer of the will, and not of the head. The taste of God was so +great, so pure, unblended and uninterrupted, that it drew and absorbed +the power of my soul into a profound recollection without act or +discourse. I had now no sight but of Jesus Christ alone. All else was +excluded, in order to love with the greater extent, without any selfish +motives or reasons for loving. + +The will, absorbed the two others, the memory and understanding into +itself, and concentrated them in LOVE;--not but that they still +subsisted, but their operations were in a manner imperceptible and +passive. They were no longer stopped or retarded by the multiplicity, +but collected and united in one. So the rising of the sun does not +extinguish the stars, but overpowers and absorbs them in the luster of +his incomparable glory. + + + + +CHAPTER 9 + + +Such was the prayer that was given me at once, far above ecstacies, +transports or visions. All these gifts are less pure, and more subject +to illusion or deceits from the enemy. + +Visions are in the inferior powers of the soul, and cannot produce true +union. The soul must not dwell or rely upon them, or be retarded by +them; they are but favors and gifts. The Giver alone must be our +object, and aim. + +It is of such that Paul speaks, "Satan transforms himself into an angel +of light," II Cor. 11:18; which is generally the case with such as are +fond of visions, and lay a stress on them; because they are apt to +convey a vanity to the soul, or at least hinder it from humbly +attending to God only. + +Ecstacies arise from a sensible relish. They may be termed a kind of +spiritual sensuality, wherein the soul letting itself go too far, by +reason of the sweetness it finds in them, falls imperceptibly into +decay. The crafty enemy presents such sort of interior elevations and +raptures for baits to entrap the soul, to fill it with vanity and +self-love, to fix its esteem and attention on the gifts of God, and to +hinder it from following Jesus Christ in the way of renunciation and of +death to all things. + +And as to distinct interior words, they too are subject to illusion; +the enemy can form and counterfeit them. Or if they come from a good +angel (for God Himself never speaks thus) we may mistake and +misapprehend them. They are spoken in a divine manner, but we construe +them in a human and carnal manner. + +But the immediate word of God has neither tone nor articulation. It is +mute, silent, and unutterable. It is Jesus Christ Himself, the real and +essential Word who in the center of the soul that is disposed for +receiving Him, never one moment ceases from His living, fruitful, and +divine operation. + +Oh, thou Word made flesh, whose silence is inexpressible eloquence, +Thou canst never be misapprehended or mistaken. Thou becomest the life +of our life, and the soul of our soul. How infinitely is thy language +elevated above all the utterances of human and finite articulation. Thy +adorable power, all efficacious in the soul that has received it, +communicates itself through them to others. As a divine seed it becomes +fruitful to eternal life. + +The revelations of things to come are also very dangerous. The Devil +can counterfeit them, as he did formerly in the heathen temples, where +he uttered oracles. Frequently they raise false ideas, vain hopes, and +frivolous expectations. They take up the mind with future events, +hinder it from dying to self, and prevent it following Jesus Christ in +His poverty, abnegation, and death. + +Widely different is the revelation of Jesus Christ, made to the soul +when the eternal Word is communicated. (Gal. 1:16.) It makes us new +creatures, created anew in Him. This revelation is what the Devil +cannot counterfeit. From hence proceeds the only safe transport of +ecstasy, which is operated by naked faith alone, and dying even to the +gifts of God. As long as the soul continues resting in gifts, it does +not fully renounce itself. Never passing into God the soul loses the +real enjoyment of the Giver, by attachments to the gifts. This is truly +an unutterable loss. + +Lest I should let my mind go after these gifts, and steal myself from +thy love, O my God, Thou wast pleased to fix me in a continual +adherence to Thyself alone. Souls thus directed get the shortest way. +They are to expect great sufferings, especially if they are mighty in +faith, in mortification and deadness to all but God. A pure and +disinterested love, and intenseness of mind for the advancement of thy +interest alone. These are the dispositions Thou didst implant in me, +and even a fervent desire of suffering for Thee. The cross, which I had +hitherto borne only with resignation, was become my delight, and the +special object of my rejoicing. + + + + +CHAPTER 10 + + +I wrote an account of my wonderful change, in point of happiness, to +that good father who had been made the instrument of it. It filled him +both with joy and astonishment. + +O my God, what penances did the love of suffering induce me to undergo! +I was impelled to deprive myself of the most innocent indulgences. All +that could gratify my taste was denied and I took everything that could +mortify and disgust it. My appetite, which had been extremely delicate, +was so far conquered that I could scarcely prefer one thing to another. + +I dressed loathsome sores and wounds, and gave remedies to the sick. +When I first engaged in this sort of employment, it was with the +greatest difficulty I was able to bear it. As soon as my aversion +ceased, and I could stand the most offensive things, other channels of +employment were opened to me. For I did nothing of myself, but left +myself to be wholly governed by my Sovereign. + +When that good father asked me how I loved God, I answered, "Far more +than the most passionate lover his beloved; and that even this +comparison was inadequate, since the love of the creature never can +attain to this, either in strength or in depth." This love of God +occupied my heart so constantly and so strongly, that I could think of +nothing else. Indeed, I judged nothing else worthy of my thoughts. + +The good father mentioned was an excellent preacher. He was desired to +preach in the parish to which I belonged. When I came, I was so +strongly absorbed in God, that I could neither open my eyes, nor hear +anything he said. + +I found that Thy Word, O my God, made its own impression on my heart, +and there had its effect, without the mediation of words or any +attention to them. And I have found it so ever since, but after a +different manner, according to the different degrees and states I have +passed through. So deeply was I settled in the inward spirit of prayer, +that I could scarce any more pronounce the vocal prayers. + +This immersion in God absorbed all things therein. Although I tenderly +loved certain saints, as St. Peter, St. Paul, St. Mary Magdalene, St. +Teresa, yet I could not form to myself images of them, nor invoke any +of them out of God. + +A few weeks after I had received that interior wound of the heart, +which had begun my change, the feast of the Blessed Virgin was held, in +the convent in which was that good father my director. I went in the +morning to get the indulgences and was much surprised when I came there +and found that I could not attempt it; though I stayed above five hours +in the church. I was penetrated with so lively a dart of pure love, +that I could not resolve to abridge by indulgences, the pain due to my +sins. "O my Love," I cried, "I am willing to suffer for Thee. I find no +other pleasure but in suffering for Thee. Indulgences may be good for +those who know not the value of sufferings, who choose not that thy +divine justice should be satisfied; who, having mercenary souls, are +not so much afraid of displeasing Thee, as of the pains annexed to +sin." Yet, fearing I might be mistaken, and commit a fault in not +getting the indulgences, for I had never heard of anyone being in such +a way before, I returned again to try to get them, but in vain. Not +knowing what to do, I resigned myself to our Lord. When I returned +home, I wrote to the good father that he had made what I had written a +part of his sermon, reciting it verbatim as I had written it. + +I now quitted all company, bade farewell forever to all plays and +diversions, dancing, unprofitable walks and parties of pleasure. For +two years I had left off dressing my hair. It became me, and my husband +approved it. + +My only pleasure now was to steal some moments to be alone with Thee, O +thou who art my only Love! All other pleasure was a pain to me. I lost +not Thy presence, which was given me by a continual infusion, not as I +had imagined, by the efforts of the head, or by force of thought in +meditating on God, but in the will, where I tasted with unutterable +sweetness the enjoyment of the beloved object. In a happy experience I +knew that the soul was created to enjoy its God. + +The union of the will subjects the soul to God, conforms it to all His +pleasure, causes self-will gradually to die. Lastly in drawing with it +the other powers, by means of the charity with which it is filled. It +causes them gradually to be reunited in the Center, and lost there as +to their own nature and operations. + +This loss is called the annihilation of the powers. Although in +themselves they still subsist, yet they seem annihilated to us, in +proportion as charity fills and inflames; it becomes so strong, as by +degrees to surmount all the activities of the will of man, subjecting +it to that of God. When the soul is docile, and leaves itself to be +purified, and emptied of all that which it has of its own, opposite to +the will of God, it finds itself by little and little, detached from +every emotion of its own, and placed in a holy indifference, wishing +nothing but what God does and wills. This never can be effected by the +activity of our own will, even though it were employed in continual +acts or resignation. These though very virtuous, are so far one's own +actions, and cause the will to subsist in a multiplicity, in a kind of +separate distinction or dissimilitude from God. + +When the will of the creature entirely submits to that of the Creator, +suffering freely and voluntarily and yielding only a concurrence to the +divine will (which is its absolute submission) suffering itself to be +totally surmounted and destroyed, by the operations of love; this +absorbs the will into self, consummates it in that of God, and purifies +it from all narrowness, dissimilitude, and selfishness. + +The case is the same with the other two powers. By means of charity, +the two other theological virtues, faith and hope, are introduced. +Faith so strongly seizes on the understanding, as to make it decline +all reasonings, all particular illuminations and illustrations, however +sublime. This sufficiently demonstrates how far visions, revelations +and ecstasies, differ from this, and hinder the soul from being lost in +God. Although by them it appears lost in Him for some transient +moments, yet it is not a true loss, since the soul which is entirely +lost in God no more finds itself again. Faith then makes the soul lose +every distinct light, in order to place it in its own pure light. + +The memory, too, finds all its little activities surmounted by degrees, +and absorbed in hope. Finally the powers are all concentrated and lost +in pure love. It engulfs them into itself by means of their sovereign, +the WILL. The will is the sovereign of the powers and charity is the +queen of the virtues, and unites them all in herself. + +This reunion thus made, is called the central union or unity. By means +of the will and love, all are reunited in the center of the soul in God +who is our ultimate end. According to St. John, "He who dwelleth in +love, dwelleth in God, for God is love." + +This union of my will to Thine, O my God, and this ineffable presence +was so sweet and powerful, that I was compelled to yield to its +delightful power, power which was strict and severe to my minutest +faults. + + + + +CHAPTER 11 + + +My senses (as I have described) were continually mortified, and under +perpetual restraint. To conquer them totally, it is necessary to deny +them the smallest relaxation, until the victory is completed. We see +those who content themselves practicing great outward austerities, yet +by indulging their senses in what is called innocent and necessary, +they remain forever unsubdued. Austerities, however severe, will not +conquer the senses. To destroy their power, the most effectual means +is, in general, to deny them firmly what will please, and to persevere +in this, until they are reduced to be without desire or repugnance. If +we attempt, during the warfare, to grant them any relaxation, we act +like those, who, under pretext of strengthening a man, who was +condemned to be starved to death, should give him from time to time a +little nourishment. It indeed would prolong his torments, and postpone +his death. + +It is just the same with the death of the senses, the powers, the +understanding, and self-will. If we do not eradicate every remains of +self subsisting in these, we support them in a dying life to the end. +This state and its termination are clearly set forth by Paul. He speaks +of bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus. (II Cor. +4:10.). But, lest we should rest here, he fully distinguishes this from +the state of being dead and having our life hid with Christ in God. It +is only by a total death to self we can be lost in God. + +He who is thus dead has no further need of mortification. The very end +of mortification is accomplished in him, and all is become new. It is +an unhappy error in those good souls, who have arrived at a conquest of +the bodily senses, through this unremitted and continual mortification, +that they should still continue attached to the exercise of it. They +should rather drop their attention thereto, and remain in indifference, +accepting with equality the good as the bad, the sweet as the bitter, +and bend their whole attention to a labor of greater importance; +namely, the mortification of the mind and self-will. They should begin +by dropping all the activity of self, which can never be done without +the most profound prayer; no more than the death of the senses can be +perfected without profound recollection joined to mortification. +Indeed, recollection is the chief means whereby we attain to a conquest +of the senses. It detaches and separates us from them, and sweetly saps +the very cause from whence they derive their influence over us. + +The more Thou didst augment my love, and my patience, O my Lord, the +less respite had I from the most oppressive crosses; but love rendered +them easy to bear. + +O ye poor souls, who exhaust yourselves with needless vexation, if you +would but seek God in your hearts, there would be a speedy end to all +your troubles. The increase of crosses would proportionately increase +your delight. + +Love, at the beginning, athirst for mortification impelled me to seek +and invent various kinds. It is surprising, that as soon as the +bitterness of any new mode of mortification was exhausted, another kind +was pointed to me, and I was inwardly led to pursue it. Divine love so +enlightened my heart, and so scrutinized into its secret springs, that +the smallest defects became exposed. If I was about to speak, something +wrong was instantly pointed to me, and I was compelled to silence. If I +kept silence, faults were presently discovered--in every action there +was something defective--in my mortifications, my penances, my +alms-giving, my retirement, I was faulty. When I walked, I observed +there was something wrong; if I spoke any way in my own favor, I saw +pride. If I said within myself, alas, I will speak no more, here was +self. If I was cheerful and open, I was condemned. Pure love always +found matter for reproof in me, and was jealous that nothing should +escape unnoticed. It was not that I was particularly attentive over +myself, for it was even with constraint that I could look at all at +myself. My attention toward God, by an attachment of my will to His, +was without intermission. I waited continually upon Him, and He watched +incessantly over me, and He so led me by His providence, that I forgot +all things. I knew not how to communicate what I felt to anyone. I was +so lost to myself, that I could scarcely go about self-examination. +When I attempted it all ideas of myself immediately disappeared. I +found myself occupied with my ONE OBJECT, without distinction of ideas. +I was absorbed in peace inexpressible; I saw by the eye of faith that +it was God that thus wholly possessed me; but I did not reason at all +about it. It must not, however, be supposed that divine love suffered +my faults to go unpunished. + +O Lord! with what rigor, dost Thou punish the most faithful, the most +loving and beloved of Thy children. I mean not externally, for this +would be inadequate to the smallest fault, in a soul that God is about +to purify radically. The punishments it can inflict on itself, are +rather gratifications and refreshments than otherwise. Indeed, the +manner in which He corrects His chosen, must be felt, or it is +impossible to conceive how dreadful it is. In my attempt to explain it, +I shall be unintelligible, except to experienced souls. It is an +internal burning, a secret fire sent from God to purge away the fault, +giving extreme pain, until this purification is complete. It is like a +dislocated joint, which is in incessant torment, until the bone is +replaced. This pain is so severe, that the soul would do anything to +satisfy God for the fault, and would rather be torn in pieces than +endure the torment. Sometimes the soul flies to others, and opens her +state that she may find consolation. Thereby she frustrates God's +designs toward her. It is of the utmost consequence to know what use to +make of the distress. The whole of one's spiritual advancement depends +on it. We should at these seasons of internal anguish, obscurity and +mourning, co-operate with God, endure this consuming torture in its +utmost extent (while it continues) without attempting to lessen or +increase it. Bear it passively, nor seek to satisfy God by anything we +can do of ourselves. To continue passive at such a time is extremely +difficult, and requires great firmness and courage. I knew some who +never advanced farther in the spiritual process because they grew +impatient, and sought means of consolation. + + + + +CHAPTER 12 + + +The treatment of my husband and mother-in-law, however rigorous and +insulting, I now bore silently. I made no replies and this was not so +difficult for me, because the greatness of my interior occupation, and +what passed within, rendered me insensible to all the rest. There were +times when I was left to myself. Then I could not refrain from tears. I +did the lowest offices for them to humble myself. All this did not win +their favor. When they were in a rage, although I could not find that I +had given them any occasion, yet I did not fail to beg their pardon, +even from the girl of whom I have spoken. I had a good deal of pain to +surmount myself, as to the last. She became the more insolent for it; +reproaching me with things which ought to have made her blush and have +covered her with shame. As she saw that I contradicted and resisted her +no more in anything, she proceeded to treat me worse. And when I asked +her pardon she triumphed, saying, "I knew very well I was in the +right." Her arrogance rose to the height that I would not have treated +the meanest slave. + +One day, as she was dressing me, she pulled me roughly, and spoke to me +insolently. I said, "It is not my account that I am willing to answer +you, for you give me no pain, but lest you should act thus before +persons to whom it would give offence. Moreover, as I am your mistress, +God is assuredly offended with you." She left me that moment, and ran +like a mad woman to meet my husband telling him she would stay no +longer, I treated her so ill, that I hated her for the care she took of +him in his continual indispositions, wanting her not to do any service +for him. My husband was very hasty, so he took fire at these words. I +finished dressing alone. Since she had left me I dared not call another +girl; she would not suffer another girl to come near me. I saw my +husband coming like a lion, he was never in such a rage as this. I +thought he was going to strike me; I awaited the blow with +tranquillity; he threatened with his up-lifted crutch; I thought he was +going to knock me down. Holding myself closely united to God, I beheld +it without pain. He did not strike me for he had presence of mind +enough to see what indignity it would be. In his rage he threw it at +me. It fell near me, but it did not touch me. He then discharged +himself in language as if I had been a street beggar, or the most +infamous of creatures. I kept profound silence, being recollected in +the Lord. + +The girl in the meantime came in. At the sight of her his rage +redoubled. I kept near to God, as a victim disposed to suffer whatever +He would permit. My husband ordered me to beg her pardon, which I +readily did, and thereby appeased him. I went into my closet, where I +no sooner was, than my divine Director impelled me to make this girl a +present, to recompense her for the cross which she had caused me. She +was a little astonished, but her heart was too hard to be gained. + +I often acted thus because she frequently gave me opportunities. She +had a singular dexterity in attending the sick. My husband, ailing +almost continually, would suffer no other person to administer to him. +He had a very great regard for her. She was artful; in his presence she +affected an extraordinary respect for me. When he was not present, if I +said a word to her, though with the greatest mildness and if she heard +him coming, she cried out with all her might that she was unhappy. She +acted like one distressed so that, without informing himself of the +truth, he was irritated against me, as was also my mother-in-law. + +The violence I did to my proud and hasty nature was so great, that I +could hold out no longer. I was quite spent with it. It seemed +sometimes as if I was inwardly rent, and I have often fallen sick with +the struggle. She did not forbear exclaiming against me, even before +persons of distinction, who came to see me. If I was silent, she took +offence at that yet more, and said that I despised her. She cried me +down, and made complaints to everybody. All this redounded to my honor +and her own disgrace. My reputation was so well established, on account +of my exterior modesty, my devotion, and the great acts of charity +which I did, that nothing could shake it. + +Sometimes she ran out into the street, crying out against me. At one +time she exclaimed, "Am not I very unhappy to have such a mistress?" +People gathered about her to know what I had done to her; and not +knowing what to say, she answered that I had not spoken to her all the +day. They returned, laughing, and said, "She has done you no great harm +then." + +I am surprised at the blindness of confessors, and at their permitting +their penitents to conceal so much of the truth from them. The +confessor of this girl made her pass for a saint. This he said in my +hearing. I answered nothing; for love would not permit me to speak of +my troubles. I should consecrate them all to God by a profound silence. + +My husband was out of humor with my devotion. "What," said he, "you +love God so much, that you love me no longer." So little did he +comprehend that the true conjugal love is that which the Lord Himself +forms in the heart that loves Him. + +Oh, Thou who art pure and holy, Thou didst imprint in me from the first +such a love of chastity, that there was nothing in the world which I +would not have undergone to possess and preserve it. + +I endeavored to be agreeable to my husband in anything, and to please +him in everything he could require of me. God gave me such a purity of +soul at that time, that I had not so much as a bad thought. Sometimes +my husband said to me, "One sees plainly that you never lose the +presence of God." + +The world, seeing I quit it, persecuted and turned me into ridicule. I +was its entertainment, and the subject of its fables. It could not bear +that a woman, scarce twenty years of age, should thus make war against +it, and overcome. My mother-in-law took part with the world, and blamed +me for not doing many things that in her heart she would have been +highly offended had I done them. I was as one lost, and alone; so +little communion had I with the creature, farther than necessity +required. I seemed to experience literally those words of Paul, "I live +yet, no more I, but Christ liveth in me." His operations were so +powerful, so sweet, and so secret, all together, that I could not +express them. We went into the country on some business. Oh! what +unutterable communications did I there experience in retirement! + +I was insatiable for prayer. I arose at four o'clock in the morning to +pray. I went very far to the church, which was so situated, that the +coach could not come to it. There was a steep hill to go down and +another to ascend. All that cost me nothing; I had such a longing +desire to meet with my God, as my only good, who on His part was +graciously forward to give Himself to His poor creature, and for it to +do even visible miracles. Such as saw me lead a life so very different +from the women of the world said I was a fool. They attributed it to +stupidity. Sometimes they said, "What can all this mean? Some people +think this lady has parts, but nothing of them appears." If I went into +company, often I could not speak; so much was I engaged within, so +inward with the Lord, as not to attend to anything else. If any near me +spoke, I heard nothing. I generally took one with me, that this might +not appear. I took some work, to hide under that appearance the real +employ of my heart. When I was alone, the work dropped out of my hand. +I wanted to persuade a relation of my husband's to practice prayer. She +thought me a fool, for depriving myself of all the amusements of the +age. But the Lord opened her eyes, to make her despise them. I could +have wished to teach all the world to love God; and thought it depended +only on them to feel what I felt. The Lord made use of my thinking to +gain many souls to Himself. + +The good father I have spoken of, who was the instrument of my +conversion, made me acquainted with Genevieve Granger, prioress of the +Benedictines, one of the greatest servants of God of her time. She +proved of very great service to me. My confessor, who had told everyone +that I was a saint before, when so full of miseries, and so far from +the condition to which the Lord in His mercy had now brought me, seeing +I placed a confidence in the father of whom I have spoken, and that I +steered in a road which was unknown to him, declared openly against me. +The monks of his order persecuted me much. They even preached publicly +against me, as a person under a delusion. + +My husband and mother-in-law, who till now had been indifferent about +this confessor, then joined him and ordered me to leave off prayer, and +the exercise of piety; that I could not do. There was carried on a +conversation within me, very different from that which passed without. +I did what I could to hinder it from appearing, but could not. The +presence of so great a Master manifested itself, even on my +countenance. That pained my husband, he sometimes told me. I did what I +could to hinder it from being noticed, but was not able completely to +hide it. I was so much inwardly occupied that I knew not what I ate. I +made as if I ate some kinds of meat, though I did not take any. This +deep inward attention suffered me scarcely to hear or see anything. I +still continued to use many severe mortifications and austerities. They +did not in the least diminish the freshness of my countenance. + +I had often grievous fits of sickness and no consolation in life, +except in the practice of prayer, and in seeing Mother Granger. How +dear did these cost me, especially the former! Is this esteeming the +cross as I ought?--should I not rather say that prayer to me was +recompensed with the cross, and the cross with prayer. Inseparable +gifts united in my heart and life! When your eternal light arose in my +soul, how perfectly it reconciled me and made you the object of my +love! From the moment I received Thee I have never been free from the +cross, nor it seems without prayer--though for a long time I thought +myself deprived thereof, which exceedingly augmented my afflictions. + +My confessor at first exerted his efforts to hinder me from practicing +prayer, and from seeing Mother Granger. He violently stirred up my +husband and mother-in-law to hinder me from praying. The method they +took was to watch me from morning until night. I dared not go out from +my mother-in-law's room, or from my husband's bedside. Sometimes I +carried my work to the window, under a pretense of seeing better, in +order to relieve myself with some moment's repose. They came to watch +me very closely, to see if I did not pray instead of working. When my +husband and mother-in-law played cards, if I did turn toward the fire, +they watched to see if I continued my work or shut my eyes. If they +observed I closed them, they would be in a fury against me for several +hours. What is most strange, when my husband went out, having some days +of health, he would not allow me to pray in his absence. He marked my +work, and sometimes, after he was just gone out, returning immediately, +if he found me in prayer he would be in a rage. In vain I said, +"Surely, sir, what matters it what I do when you are absent, if I be +assiduous in attending you when you are present?" That would not +satisfy him; he insisted that I should no more pray in his absence than +in his presence. + +I believe there is hardly a torment equal to that of being ardently +drawn to retirement, and not having it in one's power to be retired. + +O my God, the war they raised to hinder me from loving Thee did but +augment my love. While they were striving to prevent my addresses to +Thee, thou drewest me into an inexpressible silence. The more they +labored to separate me from Thee, the more closely didst Thou unite me +to Thyself. The flame of Thy love was kindled, and kept up by +everything that was done to extinguish it. + +Often through compliance I played at piquet with my husband. At such +times I was even more interiorly attracted than if I had been at +church. I was scarce able to contain the fire which burned in my soul, +which had all the fervor of what men call love, but nothing of its +impetuosity. The more ardent, the more peaceable it was. This fire +gained strength from everything that was done to suppress it. And the +spirit of prayer was nourished and increased from their contrivances +and endeavors to disallow me any time for practicing it. I loved +without considering a motive or reason for loving. Nothing passed in my +head, but much in the innermost recesses of my soul. I thought not +about any recompense, gift, or favor, which He could bestow or I +receive. The Well-beloved was Himself the only object which attracted +my heart. I could not contemplate His attributes. I knew nothing else, +but to love and to suffer. Ignorance more truly learned than any +science of the doctors, since it taught me so well Jesus Christ +crucified and brought me to be in love with His holy cross. I could +then have wished to die, in order to be inseparably united to Him who +so powerfully attracted my heart. As all this passed in the will, the +imagination and the understanding being absorbed in it, I knew not what +to say, having never read or heard of such a state as I experienced. I +dreaded delusion and feared that all was not right, for before this I +had known nothing of the operations of God in souls. I had only read +St. Francis de Sales, Thomas a'Kempis, _The Spiritual Combat_, and +the Holy Scriptures. I was quite a stranger to those spiritual books +wherein such states are described. + +Then all those amusements and pleasures that are prized and esteemed +appeared to me dull and insipid. I wondered how it could be that I had +ever enjoyed them. And indeed since that time, I could never find any +satisfaction or enjoyment out of God. I have sometimes been unfaithful +enough to find it. I was not astonished that martyrs gave their lives +for Jesus Christ. I thought them happy, and sighed after their +privilege of suffering for Him, I so esteemed the cross that my +greatest trouble was the want of suffering as much as my heart thirsted +for. + +This respect and esteem for the cross continually increased. Afterward +I lost the sensible relish and enjoyment, yet the love and esteem no +more left me than the cross itself. Indeed, it has ever been my +faithful companion, changing and augmenting, in proportion to the +changes and dispositions of my inward state. O blessed cross, thou hast +never quitted me, since I surrendered myself to my divine, crucified +Master. I still hope that thou wilt never abandon me. So eager was I +for the cross, that I endeavored to make myself feel the utmost rigor +of every mortification. This only served to awaken my desire for +suffering, and to show me that it is God alone that can prepare and +send crosses suitable to a soul that thirsts for a following of His +sufferings, and a conformity to His death. The more my state of prayer +augmented, my desire of suffering grew stronger, as the full weight of +heavy crosses from every side came thundering upon me. + +The peculiar property of this prayer of the heart is to give a strong +faith. Mine was without limits, as was also my resignation to God, and +my confidence in Him--my love of His will, and of the order of His +providence over me. I was very timorous before, but now feared nothing. +It is in such a case that one feels the efficacy of these words, "My +yoke is easy, and my burden is light" (Matt. 11:30). + + + + +CHAPTER 13 + + +I had a secret desire given me from that time to be wholly devoted to +the disposal of my God, let that be what it would. I said, "What +couldst Thou demand of me, that I would not willingly offer Thee? Oh, +spare me not." The cross and humiliations were represented to my mind +in the most frightful colors, but this deterred me not. I yielded +myself up as willing and indeed our Lord seemed to accept of my +sacrifice, for His divine providence furnished me incessantly with +occasions and opportunities for putting it to the test. + +I had difficulty to say vocal prayers I had been used to repeat. As +soon as I opened my lips to pronounce them, the love of God seized me +strongly. I was swallowed up in a profound silence and an inexpressible +peace. I made fresh attempts but still in vain. I began again and +again, but could not go on. I had never before heard of such a state, I +knew not what to do. My inability increased because my love to the Lord +was growing more strong, more violent and more overpowering. There was +made in me, without the sound of words, a continual prayer. It seemed +to me to be the prayer of our Lord Jesus Christ Himself; a prayer of +the Word, which is made by the Spirit. According to St. Paul it "asketh +for us that which is good, perfect, and conformable to the will of God" +(Rom. 8:26-27). + +My domestic crosses continued. I was prevented from seeing or even +writing to Mrs. Granger. My very going to divine service or the +sacrament, were a source of woeful offences. The only amusement I had +left me, was the visiting and attending the sick poor, and performing +the lowest offices for them. + +My prayer-time began to be exceedingly distressing. I compelled myself +to continue at it, though deprived of all comfort and consolation. When +I was not employed therein, I felt an ardent desire and longing for it. +I suffered inexpressible anguish in my mind, and endeavored with the +severest inflictions of corporeal austerities to mitigate and divert +it--but in vain. I found no more that enlivening vigor which had +hitherto carried me on with great swiftness. I seemed to myself to be +like those young brides, who find a great deal of difficulty to lay +aside their self-love, and to follow their husbands to the war. I +relapsed into a vain complacency and fondness for myself. My propensity +to pride and vanity, which seemed quite dead, while I was so filled +with love of God, now showed itself again, and gave me severe exercise. +This made me lament the exterior beauty of my person, and pray to God +incessantly, that he would remove from me that obstacle, and make me +ugly. I could even have wished to be deaf, blind and dumb, that nothing +might divert me from my love of God. + +I set out on a journey, which we had then to make, and I appeared more +than ever like those lamps which emit a glimmering flash, when they are +just on the point of extinguishing. Alas! how many snares were laid in +my way! I met them at every step. I even committed infidelities through +unwatchfulness. + +O my Lord, with what rigor didst Thou punish them! A useless glance was +checked as a sin. How many tears did those inadvertent faults cost me, +through a weak compliance, and even against my will! Thou knowest that +Thy rigor, exercised after my slips, was not the motive of those tears +which I shed. With what pleasure would I have suffered the most +rigorous severity to have been cured of my infidelity. To what severe +chastisement did I not condemn myself! Sometimes Thou didst treat me +like a father who pities the child, and caresses it after its +involuntary faults. How often didst Thou make me sensible of Thy love +toward me, notwithstanding my blemishes! It was the sweetness of this +love after my falls which caused my greatest pain; for the more the +amiableness of Thy love was extended to me, the more inconsolable I was +for having departed ever so little from Thee. When I had let some +inadvertence escape me, I found Thee ready to receive me. I have often +cried out, "O my Lord! is it possible thou canst be so gracious to such +an offender, and so indulgent to my faults; so propitious to one who +has wandered astray from Thee, by vain complaisances, and an unworthy +fondness for frivolous objects? Yet no sooner do I return, than I find +Thee waiting, with open arms ready to receive me." + +O sinner, sinner! hast thou any reason to complain of God? If there yet +remains in thee any justice, confess the truth, and admit that it is +owing to thyself if thou goest wrong; that in departing from Him thou +disobeyest His call. When thou returnest, He is ready to receive thee; +and if thou returnest not, He makes use of the most engaging motives to +win thee. Yet thou turnest a deaf ear to His voice; thou wilt not hear +Him. Thou sayest He speaks not to thee, though He calls loudly. It is +therefore only because thou daily rebellest, and art growing daily more +and more deaf to the voice. + +When I was in Paris, and the clergy saw me so young, they appeared +astonished. Those to whom I opened my state told me, that I could never +enough thank God for the graces conferred on me; that if I knew them I +should be amazed at them; and that if I were not faithful, I should be +the most ungrateful of all creatures. Some declared that they never +knew any woman whom God held so closely, and in so great a purity of +conscience. + +I believe what rendered it so was the continual care Thou hadst over +me, O my God, making me feel Thy presence, even as Thou hast promised +it to us in Thy Gospel,--"if a man love me, my Father will love him, +and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him" (John 14:23). +The continual experience of Thy presence in me was what preserved me. I +became deeply assured of what the prophet had said, "Except the Lord +keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain" (Ps. 127:1). Thou, O my +Love, wert my faithful keeper, who didst defend my heart against all +sorts of enemies, preventing the least faults, or correcting them when +vivacity had occasioned their being committed. But alas! when Thou +didst cease to watch for me, or left me to myself, how weak was I, and +how easily did my enemies prevail over me! Let others ascribe their +victory to their own fidelity. As for me, I shall never attribute them +to anything else than thy paternal care. I have too often experienced, +to my cost, what I should be without Thee, to presume in the least on +any cares of my own. It is to Thee, and to Thee only, that I owe +everything. O my Deliverer; and my being indebted to Thee for it gives +me infinite joy. + +While in Paris, I relaxed and did many things which I should not. I +knew the extreme fondness which some had for me, and suffered them to +express it without checking it as I ought. I fell into other faults +too, as having my neck a little too bare, though not near so much as +others had. I plainly saw I was too remiss; and that was my torment. I +sought all about for Him who had secretly inflamed my heart. But, alas! +hardly anybody knew Him. I cried, "Oh, Thou best beloved of my soul, +hadst Thou been near me these disasters had not befallen me." When I +say that I spoke thus to Him, it is but to explain myself. In reality, +it all passed almost in silence, for I could not speak. My heart had a +language which was carried on without the sound of words, understood of +Him, as He understands the language of the Word, which speaks +incessantly in the innermost recesses of the soul. Oh, sacred language! +Experience only gives the comprehension of it! Let not any think it a +barren language, and effect of the mere imagination. Far different--it +is the silent expression of the Word in the soul. As He never ceases to +speak, so He never ceases to operate. If people once came to know the +operations of the Lord, in souls wholly resigned to His guiding, it +would fill them with reverential admiration and awe. + +I saw that the purity of my state was like to be sullied by too great a +commerce with the creatures, so I made haste to finish what detained me +in Paris, in order to return to the country. "Tis true, O my Lord, I +felt that Thou hadst given me strength enough to avoid the occasions of +evil--but when I had so far yielded as to get into them, I found I +could not resist the vain complaisances, and a number of other foibles +which they ensnared me into." The pain which I felt after my faults was +inexpressible. It was not an anguish that arose from any distinct idea +or conception, from any particular motive or affection--but a kind of +devouring fire which ceased not, till the fault was consumed and the +soul purified. It was a banishment of my soul from the presence of its +Beloved. I could have no access to Him, neither could I have any rest +out of Him. I knew not what to do. I was like the dove out of the ark, +which finding no rest for the soul of her foot, was constrained to +return to the ark; but, finding the window shut, could only fly about. +In the meantime, through an infidelity which will ever render me +culpable, I strove to find some satisfaction without, but could not. +This served to convince me of my folly and of the vanity of those +pleasures which are called innocent. When I was prevailed on to taste +them, I felt a strong repulse which, joined with my remorse for the +transgression, changed the diversion into torment. "Oh, my Father," +said I, "this is not Thee; and nothing else, beside Thee, can give +solid pleasure." + +One day, as much through unfaithfulness as complaisance, I went to take +a walk at some of the public parks, rather from excess of vanity to +show myself than to take the pleasure of the place. Oh, my Lord! how +didst Thou make me sensible of this fault? But far from punishing me in +letting me partake of the amusement, Thou didst it in holding me so +close to Thyself, that I could give no attention to anything but my +fault and Thy displeasure. After this I was invited with some other +ladies to an entertainment at St. Cloud. Through vanity and weak +compliance, I yielded and went. The affair was magnificent; they, +though wise in the eye of the world, could relish it. I was filled with +bitterness. I could eat nothing, I could enjoy nothing. Oh, what tears! +For beyond three months my Beloved withdrew His favoring presence, and +I could see nothing but an angry God. + +I was on this occasion, and in another journey which I took with my +husband into Touraine, like those animals destined for slaughter. On +certain days people adorn them with greens and flowers, and bring in +pomp into the city before they kill them. This weak beauty, on the eve +of decline, shone forth with new brightness, in order to become the +sooner extinct. I was shortly after afflicted with the smallpox. + +One day as I walked to church, followed by a footman I was met by a +poor man. I went to give him alms; he thanked me but refused them and +then spoke to me in a wonderful manner of God and of divine things. He +displayed to me my whole heart, my love to God, my charity, my too +great fondness for my beauty and all my faults; he told me it was not +enough to avoid Hell, but that the Lord required of me the utmost +purity and height of perfection. My heart assented to his reproofs. I +heard him with silence and respect, his words penetrated my very soul. +When I arrived at the church I fainted away. I have never seen the man +since. + + + + +CHAPTER 14 + + +My husband enjoying some intermission of his almost continual ailments, +had a mind to go to Orleans, and then into Touraine. In this journey my +vanity made its last blaze. I received abundance of visits and +applauses. But how clearly did I see the folly of men who are so taken +with vain beauty! I disliked the disposition, yet not that which caused +it, though I sometimes ardently desired to be delivered from it. The +continual combat of nature and grace cost me no small affliction. +Nature was pleased with public applause; grace made me dread it. What +augmented the temptation was that they esteemed in me virtue, joined +with youth and beauty. They did not know that all the virtue is only in +God, and His protection, and all the weakness in myself. + +I went in search of confessors, to accuse myself of my failing, and to +bewail my backslidings. They were utterly insensible of my pain. They +esteemed what God condemned. They treated as a virtue what to me +appeared detestable in His sight. Far from measuring my faults by His +graces, they only considered what I was, in comparison of what I might +have been. Hence, instead of blaming me, they only flattered my pride. +They justified me in what incurred His rebuke, or only treated as a +slight fault what in me was highly displeasing to Him, from whom I had +received such signal mercies. + +The heinousness of sins is not to be measured singly by their nature, +but also by the state of the person who commits them. The least +unfaithfulness in a spouse is more injurious to her husband, than far +greater ones in his domestics. I told them all the trouble I had been +under for not having entirely covered my neck. It was covered much more +than was covered by other women of my age. They assured me that I was +very modestly dressed. As my husband liked my dress there could be +nothing amiss in it. My inward Director taught me quite the contrary. I +had not courage enough to follow Him, and to dress myself differently +from others, at my age. My vanity furnished me with pretences seemingly +just for following fashions. If pastors knew what hurt they do in +humoring female vanity, they would be more severe against it! Had I +found but one person honest enough to deal plainly with me, I should +not have gone on. But my vanity, siding with the declared opinion of +all others, induced me to think them right, and my own scruples mere +fancy. + +We met with accidents in this journey, sufficient to have terrified +anyone. Though corrupt nature prevailed so far as I have just +mentioned, yet my resignation to God was so strong, that I passed +fearless, even where there was apparently no possibility of escape. At +one time we got into a narrow pass, and did not perceive, until we were +too far advanced to draw back, that the road was undermined by the +river Loire, which ran beneath, and the banks had fallen in; so that in +some places the footmen were obliged to support one side of the +carriage. All those around me were terrified to the highest degree, yet +God kept me perfectly tranquil. I secretly rejoiced at the prospect of +losing my life by a singular stroke of His providence. + +On my return, I went to see Mrs. Granger, to whom I related how it had +been with me while abroad. She strengthened and encouraged me to pursue +my first design. She advised me to cover my neck, which I have done +ever since notwithstanding the singularity of it. + +The Lord, who had so long deferred the chastisement merited by such a +series of infidelities, now began to punish me for the abuse of his +grace. Sometimes I wished to retire to a convent, and thought it +lawful. I found wherein I was weak, and that my faults were always of +the same nature. I wished to hide myself in some cave, or to be +confined in a dreary prison, rather than enjoy a liberty by which I +suffered so much. Divine love gently drew me inward, and vanity dragged +me outward. My heart was rent asunder by the contest, as I neither gave +myself wholly up to the one nor the other. + +I besought my God to deprive me of power to displease Him, and cried, +"Art thou not strong enough wholly to eradicate this unjust duplicity +out of my heart?" For my vanity broke forth when occasions offered; yet +I quickly returned to God. He, instead of repulsing or upbraiding me, +often received me with open arms, and gave me fresh testimonials of His +love. They filled me with the most painful reflections on my offense. +Though this wretched vanity was still so prevalent, yet my love to God +was such, that after my wanderings, I would rather have chosen His rod +than His caresses. His interests were more dear to me than my own, and +I wished He would have done Himself justice upon me. My heart was full +of grief and of love. I was stung to the quick for offending Him, who +showered His grace so profusely upon me. That those who know not God +should offend Him by sin is not to be wondered at, but that a heart +which loved Him more than itself, and so fully experienced His love, +should be seduced by propensities which it detests, is a cruel +martyrdom. + +When I felt most strongly Thy presence, and Thy love, O Lord, said I, +how wonderfully Thou bestowest Thy favors on such a wretched creature, +who requites Thee only with ingratitude. For if anyone reads this life +with attention, he will see on God's part, nothing but goodness, mercy, +and love; on my part, nothing but weakness, sin and infidelity. I have +nothing to glory in but my infirmities and my unworthiness, since, in +that everlasting marriage-union thou hast made with me, I brought with +me nothing but weakness, sin and misery. How I rejoice to owe all to +Thee, and that Thou favorest my heart with a sight of the treasures and +boundless riches of Thy grace and love! Thou hast dealt by me, as if a +magnificent king should marry a poor slave, forget her slavery, give +her all the ornaments which may render her pleasing in his eyes, and +freely pardon her all the faults and ill qualities which her ignorance +and bad education had given her. This Thou hast made my case. My +poverty is become my riches, and in the extremity of my weakness I have +found my strength. Oh, if any knew, with what confusion the indulgent +favors of God cover the soul after its faults! Such a soul would wish +with all its power to satisfy the divine justice. I made verses and +little songs to bewail myself. I exercised austerities, but they did +not satisfy my heart. They were like those drops of water which only +serve to make the fire hotter. When I take a view of God, and myself, I +am obliged to cry out, "Oh, admirable conduct of Love toward an +ungrateful wretch! Oh, horrible ingratitude toward such unparalleled +goodness." A great part of my life is only a mixture of such things as +might be enough to sink me to the grave between grief and love. + + + + +CHAPTER 15 + + +On my arrival at home, I found my husband taken with the gout, and his +other complaints. My little daughter ill, and like to die of the +smallpox; my eldest son, too, took it; and it was of so malignant a +type, that it rendered him as disfigured, as before he was beautiful. +As soon as I perceived the smallpox was in the house, I had no doubt +but I should take it. Mrs. Granger advised me to leave if I could. My +father offered to take me home, with my second son, whom I tenderly +loved. My mother-in-law would not suffer it. She persuaded my husband +it was useless, and sent for a physician, who seconded her in it, +saying, "I should as readily take it at a distance as here, if I were +disposed to take it." I may say, she proved at that time a second +Jephtha, and that she sacrificed us both, though innocently. Had she +known what followed, I doubt not but she would have acted otherwise. +All the town stirred in this affair. Everyone begged her to send me out +of the house, and cried out that it was cruel to expose me thus. They +set upon me, too, imagining I was unwilling to go. I had not told that +she was so averse to it. I had at that time no other disposition than +to sacrifice myself to divine Providence. Though I might have removed, +notwithstanding my mother-in-law's resistance, yet I would not without +her consent; because it looked to me as if her resistance was an order +of Heaven. + +I continued in this spirit of sacrifice to God, waiting from moment to +moment in an entire resignation, for whatever He should be pleased to +ordain. I cannot express what nature suffered. I was like one who sees +both certain death and an easy remedy, without being able to avoid the +former, or try the latter. I had no less apprehension for my younger +son than for myself. My mother-in-law so excessively doted on the +eldest, that the rest of us were indifferent to her. Yet I am assured, +if she had known the younger would have died of the smallpox, she would +not have acted as she did. God makes use of creatures, and their +natural inclinations to accomplish His designs. When I see in the +creatures a conduct which appears unreasonable and mortifying, I mount +higher, and look upon them as instruments both of the mercy and justice +of God. His justice is full of mercy. + +I told my husband that my stomach was sick, and that I was taking the +smallpox. He said it was only imagination. I let Mrs. Granger know the +situation I was in. As she had a tender heart, she was affected by the +treatment I met with, and encouraged me to offer myself up to the Lord. +At length, nature finding there was no resource, consented to the +sacrifice which my spirit had already made. The disorder gained ground +apace. I was seized with a great shivering, and pain both in my head +and stomach. They would not yet believe that I was sick. In a few hours +it went so far, that they thought my life in danger. I was also taken +with an inflammation on my lungs, and the remedies for the one disorder +were contrary to the other. My mother-in-law's favorite physician was +not in town, nor the resident surgeon. Another surgeon said that I must +be bled; but my mother-in-law would not suffer it at that time. I was +on the point of death for the want of proper assistance. My husband, +not being able to see me, left me entirely to his mother. She would not +allow any physician but her own to prescribe for me, and yet did not +send for him, though he was within a day's journey. In this extremity I +opened not my mouth. I looked for life or death from the hand of God, +without testifying the least uneasiness. The peace I enjoyed within, on +account of that perfect resignation, in which God kept me by His grace, +was so great, that it made me forget myself, in the midst of oppressive +disorders. + +The Lord's protection was indeed wonderful. How oft have I been reduced +to extremity, yet He never failed to succor, when things appeared most +desperate. It pleased Him so to order it, that the skillful surgeon, +who had attended me before, passing by our house, inquired after me. +They told him I was extremely ill. He alighted immediately, and came in +to see me. Never was a man more surprised, when he saw the condition I +was in. The smallpox, which could not come out, had fallen on my nose +with such force, that it was quite black. He thought there had been +gangrene and that it was going to fall off. My eyes were like two +coals; but I was not alarmed. At that time I could have made a +sacrifice of all things, and was pleased that God should avenge Himself +on that face, which had betrayed me into so many infidelities. He also +was so affrighted that he went into my mother-in-law's room and told +her, that it was most shameful to let me die in that manner, for want +of bleeding. She still opposed it violently so that in short she told +him flatly that she would not suffer it, until the physician returned. +He flew into such a rage at seeing me thus left without sending for the +physician that he reproved my mother-in-law in the severest manner. But +it was all in vain. He came up again presently and said, "If you +choose, I will bleed you, and save your life." I held out my arm to +him; and though it was extremely swelled, he bled me in an instant. My +mother-in-law was in a violent passion. The smallpox came out +immediately. He ordered that they should have me bled again in the +evening, but she would not suffer it. Fear of displeasing my +mother-in-law, and a total resignation of myself into the hands of God, +I did not retain him. + +I am more particular to show how advantageous it is to resign one's +self to God without reserve. Though in appearance He leaves us for a +time to prove and exercise our faith, yet He never fails us, when our +need of Him is the more pressing. One may say with the Scripture, "It +is God who bringeth down to the gates of death, and raiseth up again." +The blackness and swelling of my nose went away and I believe, had they +continued to bleed me, I had been pretty easy. For want of that I grew +worse again. The malady fell into my eyes, and inflamed them with such +severe pain, that I thought I should lose them both. + +I had violent pains for three weeks during which time I got little +sleep. I could not shut my eyes, they were so full of the smallpox, nor +open them by reason of the pain. My throat, palate, and gums were +likewise so filled with the pock, that I could not swallow broth, or +take nourishment without suffering extremely. My whole body looked +leprous. All that saw me said that they had never seen such a shocking +spectacle. But as to my soul, it was kept in a contentment not to be +expressed. The hopes of its liberty, by the loss of that beauty, which +had so frequently brought me under bondage, rendered me so satisfied, +and so united to God, that I would not have changed my condition for +that of the most happy prince in the world. + +Everyone thought I would be inconsolable. Several expressed their +sympathy in my sad condition, as they judged it. I lay still in the +secret fruition of a joy unspeakable, in this total deprivation of what +had been a snare to my pride, and to the passions of men. I praised God +in profound silence. None ever heard any complaints from me, either of +my pains or the loss I sustained. The only thing that I said was, that +I rejoiced at, and was exceedingly thankful for the interior liberty I +gained thereby; and they construed this as a great crime. My confessor, +who had been dissatisfied with me before, came to see me. He asked me +if I was not sorry for having the smallpox; and he now taxed me with +pride for my answer. + +My youngest little boy took the distemper the same day with myself, and +died for want of care. This blow indeed struck me to the heart, but +yet, drawing strength from my weakness, I offered him up, and said to +God as Job did, "Thou gavest him to me, and thou takest him from me; +blessed be thy holy name." The spirit of sacrifice possessed me so +strongly, that, though I loved this child tenderly, I never shed a tear +at hearing of his death. The day he was buried, the doctor sent to tell +me he had not placed a tombstone upon his grave, because my little girl +could not survive him two days. My eldest son was not yet out of +danger, so that I saw myself stripped of all my children at once, my +husband indisposed, and myself extremely so. The Lord did not take my +little girl then. He prolonged her life some years. + +At last my mother-in-law's physician arrived, at a time wherein he +could be of but little service to me. When he saw the strange +inflammation in my eyes, he bled me several times; but it was too late. +And those bleedings which would have been so proper at first, did +nothing but weaken me now. They could not even bleed me in the +condition I was in but with the greatest difficulty. My arms were so +swelled that the surgeon was obliged to push in the lance to a great +depth. Moreover, the bleeding being out of season had liked to have +caused my death. This, I confess, would have been very agreeable to me. +I looked upon death as the greatest blessing for me. Yet I saw well I +had nothing to hope in that side; and that, instead of meeting with so +desirable an event, I must prepare myself to support the trials of +life. + +After my eldest son was better, he got up and came into my room. I was +surprised at the extraordinary change I saw in him. His face, lately so +fair and beautiful, was become like a coarse spot of earth, all full of +furrows. That gave me the curiosity to view myself. I felt shocked, for +I saw that God had ordered the sacrifice in all its reality. + +Some things fell out by the contrariety of my mother-in-law that caused +me severe crosses. They put the finishing stroke to my son's face. +However, my heart was firm in God, and strengthened itself by the +number and greatness of my sufferings. I was as a victim incessantly +offered upon the altar, to HIM who first sacrificed Himself for love. +"What shall I render to the Lord, for all his benefits toward me? I +will take the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord." +These words, I can truly say, O my God, have been the delight of my +heart, and have had their effect on me, through my whole life; for I +have been continually heaped with thy blessings and thy cross. My +principal attraction, besides that of suffering for Thee, has been to +yield myself up without resistance, interiorly and exteriorly, to all +Thy divine disposals. These gifts which I was favored with from the +beginning, have continued and increased until now Thou hast Thyself +guided my continual crosses, and led me through paths impenetrable to +all but thee. + +They sent me pomatums to recover my complexion, and to fill up the +hollows of the smallpox. I had seen wonderful effects from it upon +others, and therefore at first had a mind to try them. But, jealous of +God's work, I would not suffer it. There was a voice in my heart which +said, "If I would have had thee fair, I would have left thee as thou +wert." I was therefore obliged to lay aside every remedy, and to go +into the air, which made the pitting worse; to expose myself in the +street when the redness of the smallpox was at the worst, in order to +make my humiliation triumph, where I had exalted my pride. + +My husband kept to his bed almost all that time, and made good use of +his indisposition. Only as he now lost that, which before gave him so +much pleasure in viewing me, he grew much more susceptible to +impressions which any gave him against me. In consequence of this, the +persons who spoke to him to my disadvantage, finding themselves now +better hearkened to, spoke more boldly and more frequently. + +There was only Thou, O my God, who changed not for me. Thou didst +redouble my interior graces, in proportion as Thou didst augment my +exterior crosses. + + + + +CHAPTER 16 + + +My maid became every day more haughty. Seeing that her scoldings and +outcries did not now torment me, she thought, if she could hinder me +from going to the communion, she would give me the greatest of all +vexations. + +She was not mistaken, O divine Spouse of pure souls, since the only +satisfaction of my life was to receive and to honor Thee. I gave +everything, of the finest I had, to furnish the churches with +ornaments, and contributed to the utmost extent of my abilities, to +make them have silver plates and chalices. + +"Oh, my Love," I cried, "let me be thy victim! Spare nothing to +annihilate me." I felt an inexpressible longing to be more reduced, and +to become, as it were, nothing. + +This girl then knew my affection for the holy sacrament, where, when I +could have liberty for it, I passed several hours on my knees. She took +it in her head to watch me daily. When she discovered me going, she ran +to tell my mother-in-law and my husband. There needed no more to +chagrin them. Their invectives lasted the whole day. If a word escaped +me in my own justification, it was enough to make them say that I was +guilty of sacrilege, and to raise an outcry against all devotion. If I +made them no answer at all, they still heightened their indignation, +and said the most grating things they could devise. If I fell sick, +which often happened, they took occasion to come to quarrel with me at +my bed, saying, my communion and prayers were what made me sick. They +spoke as if there had been nothing else could make me ill, but my +devotion to Thee, O my Beloved! + +She told me one day that she was going to write to my director to get +him to stop me from going to the communion. When I made no answer, she +cried out as loud as she could, that I treated her ill and despised +her. When I went to prayers, (though I had taken care to arrange +everything about the house) she ran to tell my husband that I was going +and had left nothing in order. When I returned home his rage fell on me +in all its violence. They would hear none of my reasons, but said, +"they were all a pack of lies." My mother-in-law persuaded my husband +that I let everything go to wreck. If she did not take the care of +things he would be ruined. He believed it, and I bore all with +patience, endeavoring, as well as I could, to do my duty. What gave +most trouble was the not knowing what course to take; for when I +ordered anything without her, she complained that I showed her no +respect, that I did things of my own head and that they were done +always the worse for it. Then she would order them contrary. If I +consulted her to know what, or how she would have anything to be done, +she said that I compelled her to have the care and trouble of +everything. + +I had scarcely any rest but what I found in the love of Thy will, O my +God, and submission to Thy orders, however rigorous they might be. They +incessantly watched my words and actions, to find occasion against me. +They chided me all the day long, continually repeating, and harping +over and over the same things, even before the servants. How often have +I made my meals on my tears, which were interpreted as the most +criminal in the world! They said, I would be damned; as if the tears +would open Hell for me, which surely they were more likely to +extinguish. If I recited anything I had heard, they would render me +accountable for the truth of it. If I kept silence, they taxed me with +contempt and perverseness; if I knew anything without telling it, that +was a crime; if I told it, then they said I had forged it. Sometimes +they tormented me for several days successively, without giving me any +relaxation. The girls said, "I ought to feign sickness, to get a little +rest." I made no reply. The love of God so closely possessed me, that +it would not allow me to seek relief by a single word, or even by a +look. Sometimes I said in myself, "Oh, that I had but any one who could +take notice of me, or to whom I might unburden myself,--what a relief +it would be to me!" But it was not granted me. + +Yet, if I happened to be for some days freed from the exterior cross, +it was a most sensible distress to me, and indeed a punishment more +difficult to bear than the severest trials. I then comprehended what +St. Teresa says, "Let me suffer or die." For this absence of the cross +was so grievous to me, that I languished with desire for its return. +But no sooner was this earnest longing granted, and the blessed cross +returned again, than strange as it may seem, it appeared so weighty and +burdensome, as to be almost insupportable. + +Though I loved my father extremely, and he loved me tenderly, yet I +never spoke to him of my sufferings. One of my relations, who loved me +very much, perceived the little moderation they used toward me. They +spoke very roughly to me before him. He was highly displeased, and told +my father of it, adding, that I would pass for a fool. Soon after I +went to see my father, who, contrary to his custom, sharply reprimanded +me, "for suffering them to treat me in such a manner, without saying +anything in my own defence." I answered, "If they knew what my husband +said to me, that was confusion enough for me, without my bringing any +more of it on myself by replies; that if they did not notice it, I +ought not to cause it to be observed, nor expose my husband's weakness; +that remaining silent stopped all disputes, whereas I might cause them +to be continued and increased by my replies." My father answered that I +did well, and that I should continue to act as God should inspire me. +And after that, he never spoke to me of it any more. + +They were ever talking to me against my father, against my relations, +and all such as I esteemed most. I felt this more keenly than all they +could say against myself. I could not forbear defending them, and +therein I did wrong; as whatever I said served only to provoke them. If +any complained of my father or relations, they were always in the +right. If any, whom they had disliked before, spoke against them, they +were presently approved of. If any showed friendship to me, such were +not welcome. A relation whom I greatly loved for her piety, coming to +see me, they openly bid her begone. They treated her in such a manner +as obliged her to go, which gave me no small uneasiness. When any +person of distinction came, they would speak against me; even to those +who knew me not, which surprised them. But when they saw me they pitied +me. + +It mattered not what they said against me, love would not allow me to +justify myself. I spoke not to my husband of what either my +mother-in-law or the girl did to me, except the first year, when I was +not sufficiently touched with the power of God to suffer. My +mother-in-law and my husband often quarrelled. Then I was in favor, and +to me they made their mutual complaints. I never told the one what the +other had said. And though it might have been of service to me, humanly +speaking, to take advantage of such opportunities, I never made use of +them to complain of either. Nay, on the contrary, I did not rest till I +had reconciled them. I spoke many obliging things of the one to the +other, which made them friends again. I knew by frequent experience +that I should pay dear for their reunion. Scarcely were they reconciled +when they joined together against me. + +I was so deeply engaged within, as often to forget things without, yet +not anything which was of consequence. My husband was hasty, and +inattention frequently irritated him. I walked into the garden, without +observing anything. When my husband, who could not go thither, asked me +about it, I knew not what to say, at which he was angry. I went thither +on purpose to notice everything, in order to tell him and yet when +there did not think of looking. I went ten times one day, to see and +bring him an account and yet forgot it. But when I did remember to +look, I was much pleased. Yet it happened I was then asked nothing +about them. + +All my crosses to me would have seemed little, if I might have had +liberty to pray and to be alone, to indulge the interior attraction +which I felt. But I was obliged to continue in their presence, with +such a subjection as is scarcely conceivable. My husband looked at his +watch, if at any time I had liberty allowed me for prayer, to see if I +stayed more than half an hour. If I exceeded, he grew very uneasy. +Sometimes I said, "Grant me one hour to divert and employ myself as I +have a mind." Though he would have granted it to me for other +diversions, yet for prayer he would not. I confess that inexperience +caused me much trouble. I have often thereby given occasion for what +they made me suffer. For ought I not to have looked on my captivity as +an effect of the will of my God, to content myself and to make it my +only desire and prayer? But I often fell back again into the anxiety of +wishing to get time for prayer, which was not agreeable to my husband. +Those faults were more frequent in the beginning. Afterward I prayed to +God in His own retreat, in the temple of my heart, and I went out no +more. + + + + +CHAPTER 17 + + +We went into the country, where I committed many faults. I thought I +might do it then because my husband diverted himself with building. If +I stayed from him he was dissatisfied. That sometimes happened as he +was continually talking with the workmen. I set myself in a corner, and +there had my work with me, but could scarcely do anything by reason of +the force of the attraction which made the work fall out of my hands. I +passed whole hours this way, without being able either to open my eyes +or know what passed; but I had nothing to wish for, nor yet to be +afraid of. Everywhere I found my proper center, because everywhere I +found God. + +My heart could then desire nothing but what it had. This disposition +extinguished all its desires; and I sometimes said to myself, "What +wantest thou? What fearest thou?" I was surprised to find upon trial +that I had nothing to fear. Every place I was in was my proper place. + +As I had generally no time allowed me for prayer but with difficulty, +and would not be suffered to rise till seven o'clock, I stole up at +four, and kneeling in my bed, I wished not to offend my husband and +strove to be punctual and assiduous in everything. But this soon +affected my health and injured my eyes, which were still weak. It was +but eight months since I had the smallpox. This loss of rest brought a +heavy trial upon me. Even my sleeping hours were much broken, by the +fear of not waking in time, I insensibly dropped asleep at my prayers. +In the half hour that I got after dinner, though I felt quite wakeful, +the drowsiness overpowered me. I endeavored to remedy this by the +severest bodily inflictions, but in vain. + +As we had not yet built the chapel, and were far from any church, I +could not go to prayers or sacrament without the permission of my +husband. He was very reluctant to permit me, except on Sundays and +holidays. I could not go out in the coach, so that I was obliged to +make use of some stratagems, and to get service performed very early in +the morning, to which, feeble as I was, I made an effort to creep on +foot. It was a quarter of a league distant. Really God wrought wonders +for me. Generally, in the mornings when I went to prayers, my husband +did not awake until after I was returned. Often, as I was going out, +the weather was so cloudy, that the girl I took with me told me that I +could not go; or if I did, I should be soaked with the rain. I answered +her with my usual confidence, "God will assist us." I generally reached +the chapel without being wet. While there the rain fell excessively. +When I returned it ceased. When I got home it began again with fresh +violence. During several years that I have acted this way, I have never +been deceived in my confidence. When I was in town, and could find +nobody, I was surprised that there came to me priests to ask me if I +was willing to receive the communion, and that if I was they would give +it to me. I had no mind to refuse the opportunity which Thou thyself +offered me; for I had no doubt of its being Thee who inspired them to +propose it. Before I had contrived to get divine service at the chapel +I have mentioned, I have often suddenly awoke with a strong impulse to +go to prayers. My maid would say, "But, madam, you are going to tire +yourself in vain. There will be no service." For that chapel was not +yet regularly served. I went full of faith and at my arrival have found +them just ready to begin. If I could particularly enumerate the +remarkable providences which were hereupon given in my favor there +would be enough to fill whole volumes. + +When I wanted to hear from, or write to Mother Granger, I often felt a +strong propensity to go to the door. There to find a messenger with a +letter from her. This is only a small instance of these kind of +continual providences. She was the only person I could be free to open +my heart to, when I could get to see her, which was with the greatest +difficulty. It was through providential assistance; because prohibited +by my confessor and husband. I placed an extreme confidence in Mother +Granger. I concealed nothing from her either of sins or pains. I did +not now practice any austerities but those she was willing to allow me. +My interior dispositions I was scarcely able to tell because I knew not +how to explain myself, being very ignorant of those matters, having +never read or heard of them. + +One day when they thought I was going to see my father, I ran off to +Mother Granger. It was discovered, and cost me crosses. Their rage +against me was so excessive, that it would seem incredible. Even my +writing to her was extremely difficult. I had the utmost abhorrence of +a lie, so I forbade the footman to tell any. When they were met they +were asked whither they were going, and if they had any letters. My +mother-in-law set herself in a little passage, through which those who +went out must necessarily pass. She asked them whither they were going +and what they carried. Sometimes going on foot to the Benedictines, I +caused shoes to be carried, that they might not perceive by the dirty +ones that I had been far. I dared not go alone; those who attended me +had orders to tell of every place I went. If they were discovered to +fail, they were either corrected or discharged. + +My husband and mother-in-law were always inveighing against that good +woman, though in reality they esteemed her. I sometimes made my own +complaint and she replied, "How should you content them, when I have +been doing all in my power for twenty years to satisfy them without +success?" For as my mother-in-law had two daughters under her care, she +was always finding something to say against everything she did in +regard to them. + +But the most sensible cross to me now was the revolting of my own son +against me. They inspired him with so great a contempt for me, that I +could not bear to see him without extreme affliction. When I was in my +room with some of my friends, they sent him to listen to what we said. +As he saw this pleased them, he invented a hundred things to tell them. +If I caught him in a lie, as I frequently did, he would upbraid me, +saying, "My grandmother says you have been a greater liar than I." I +answered, "Therefore I know the deformity of that vice, and how hard a +thing it is to get the better of it; and for this reason, I would not +have you suffer the like." He spoke to me things very offensive. +Because he saw the awe I stood in of his grandmother and his father, if +in their absence I found fault with him for anything, he insultingly +upbraided me. He said that now I wanted to be set up over him because +they were not there. All this they approved of. One day he went to see +my father and rashly began talking against me to him, as he was used to +doing to his grandmother. But there it did not meet with the same +recompense. It affected my father to tears. Father came to our house to +desire he might be corrected for it. They promised it should be done, +and yet they never did it. I was grievously afraid of the consequences +of so bad an education. I told Mother Granger of it, who said that +since I could not remedy it, I must suffer and leave everything to God. +This child would be my cross. + +Another great cross was the difficulty I had in attending my husband. I +knew he was displeased when I was not with him; yet when I was with +him, he never expressed any pleasure. On the contrary, he only rejected +with scorn whatever office I performed. He was so difficult with me +about everything, that I sometimes trembled when I approached him. I +could do nothing to his liking; and when I did not attend him he was +angry. He had taken such a dislike to soups, that he could not bear the +sight of them. Those that offered them had a rough reception. Neither +his mother nor any of the domestics would carry them to him. There was +none but I who did not refuse that office. I brought them and let his +anger pass; then I tried in some agreeable manner to prevail on him to +take them. I said to him, "I had rather be reprimanded several times a +day, than let you suffer by not bringing you what is proper." Sometimes +he took; at other times he pushed them back. + +When he was in a good humor and I was carrying something agreeable to +him, then my mother-in-law would snatch it out of my hands. She would +carry it herself. As he thought I was not so careful and studious to +please him he would fly in a rage against me and express great +thankfulness to his mother. I used all my skill and endeavors to gain +my mother-in-law's favor by my presents, my services; but could not +succeed. + +"How bitter and grievous, O my God, would such a life be were it not +for Thee! Thou hast sweetened and reconciled it to me." I had a few +short intervals from this severe and mortifying life. These served only +to make the reverses more keen and bitter. + + + + +CHAPTER 18 + + +About eight or nine months after my recovery from the smallpox, Father +La Combe, passing by our house, brought me a letter from Father de la +Motte, recommending him to my esteem, and expressing the highest +friendship for him. I hesitated because I was very loath to make new +acquaintances. The fear of offending my brother prevailed. After a +short conversation we both desired a farther opportunity. I thought +that he either loved God, or was disposed to love Him, and I wished +everybody to love Him. God had already made use of me for the +conversion of three of his order. The strong desire he had of seeing me +again induced him to come to our country house about half a league from +the town. A little incident which happened opened a way for me to speak +to him. As he was in discourse with my husband, who relished his +company, he was taken ill and retired into the garden. My husband bade +me go and see what was the matter. He told me he had noticed in my +countenance a deep inwardness and presence of God, which had given him +a strong desire of seeing me again. God then assisted me to open to him +the interior path of the soul, and conveyed so much grace to him +through this poor channel, that he went away changed into quite another +man. I preserved an esteem for him; for it appeared to me that he would +be devoted to God; but little did I then foresee, that I should ever be +led to the place where he was to reside. + +My disposition at this time was a continual prayer, without knowing it +to be such. The presence of God was so plentifully given that it seemed +to be more in me than my very self. The sensibility thereof was so +powerful, so penetrating, it seemed to me irresistible. Love took from +me all liberty of my own. At other times I was so dry, I felt nothing +but the pain of absence, which was the keener to me, as the divine +presence had before been so sensible. In these alternatives I forgot +all my troubles and pains. It appeared to me as if I had never +experienced any. In its absence, it seemed as if it would never return +again. I still thought it was through some fault of mine it was +withdrawn, and that rendered me inconsolable. Had I known it had been a +state through which it was necessary to pass, I should not have been +troubled. My strong love to the will of God would have rendered +everything easy to me. The property of this prayer was to give a great +love to the order of God, with so sublime and perfect a reliance on +Him, as to fear nothing, whether danger, thunders, spirits, or death. +It gives a great abstraction from one's self, our own interests and +reputation, with an utter disregard to everything of the kind--all +being swallowed up in the esteem of the will of God. + +At home, I was accused of everything that was ill done, spoiled or +broken. At first I told the truth, and said it was not I. They +persisted, and accused me of lying. I then made no reply. Besides, they +told all their tales to such as came to the house. But when I was +afterward alone with the same persons, I never undeceived them. I often +heard such things said of me, before my friends, as were enough to make +them entertain a bad opinion. My heart kept its habitation in the tacit +consciousness of my own innocence, not concerning myself whether they +thought well or ill of me; excluding all the world, all opinions or +censures, out of my view, I minded nothing else but the friendship of +God. + +If through infidelity I happened at any time to justify myself, I +always failed, and drew upon myself new crosses, both within and +without. But notwithstanding all this, I was so enamored with it, that +the greatest cross of all would have been to be without any. When the +cross was taken from me for any short space, it seemed to me that it +was because of the bad use I made of it; that my unfaithfulness +deprived me of so great an advantage. I never knew its value better +than its loss. + +I cried punish me any way, but take not the cross from me. This amiable +cross returned to me with so much the more weight, as my desire was +more vehement. I could not reconcile two things, they appeared to me so +very opposite. 1) To desire the cross with so much ardor. 2) To support +it with so much difficulty and pain. + +God knows well, in the admirable economy he observes, how to render the +crosses more weighty, conformable to the ability of the creature to +bear them. Hereby my soul began to be more resigned, to comprehend that +the state of absence, and of wanting what I longed for, was in its turn +more profitable than that of always abounding. This latter nourished +self-love. If God did not act thus, the soul would never die to itself. +That principle of self-love is so crafty and dangerous, that it cleaves +to everything. + +What gave me most uneasiness, in this time of darkness and crucifixion, +both within and without, was an inconceivable readiness to be quick and +hasty. When any answer a little too lively escaped me, (which served +not a little to humble me,) they said "I was fallen into a mortal sin." +A conduct no less rigorous than this was quite necessary for me. I was +so proud, passionate, and of a humor naturally thwarting, wanting +always to carry matters my own way, thinking my own reasons better than +those of others. Hadst thou, O my God, spared the strokes of thy +hammer, I should never have been formed to Thy will, to be an +instrument for Thy use; for I was ridiculously vain. Applause rendered +me intolerable. I praised my friends to excess, and blamed others +without reason. But, the more criminal I have been, the more I am +indebted to Thee, and the less of any good can I attribute to myself. +How blind are men who attribute to others the holiness that God gives +them! I believe, my God, that thou hast had children, who under thy +grace, owed much to their own fidelity. As for me, I owe all to Thee; I +glory to confess it; I cannot acknowledge it too much. + +In acts of charity I was very assiduous. So great was my tenderness for +the poor, that I wished to have supplied all their wants. I could not +see their necessity without reproaching myself for the plenty I +enjoyed. I deprived myself of all I could to help them. The very best +at my table was distributed. There were few of the poor where I lived, +who did not partake of my liberality. It seemed as if Thou hadst made +me thy only almoner there, for being refused by others, they came to +me. I cried, "it is Thy substance; I am only the steward. I ought to +distribute it according to Thy will." I found means to relieve them +without letting myself be known, because I had one who dispensed my +alms privately. When there were families who were ashamed to take it in +this way, I sent it to them as if I owed them a debt. I clothed such as +were naked, and caused young girls to be taught how to earn their +livelihood, especially those who were handsome; to the end that being +employed, and having whereon to live, they might not be under a +temptation to throw themselves away. God made use of me to reclaim +several from their disorderly lives. I went to visit the sick, to +comfort them, to make their beds. I made ointments, dressed their +wounds, buried their dead. I privately furnished tradesmen and +mechanics wherewith to keep up their shops. My heart was much opened +toward my fellow creatures in distress. Few indeed could carry charity +much farther than our Lord enabled me to do, according to my state, +both while married and since. + +To purify me the more from the mixture I might make of His gifts with +my own self-love, He gave me interior probations, which were very +heavy. I began to experience an insupportable weight, in that very +piety which had formerly been so easy and delightful to me; not that I +did not love it extremely, but I found myself defective in that noble +practice of it. The more I loved it, the more I labored to acquire what +I saw failed in. But, alas! I seemed continually to be overcome by that +which was the contrary to it. My heart, indeed, was detached from all +sensual pleasures. For these several years past, it has seemed to me +that my mind is so detached and absent from the body, that I do things +as if I did them not. If I eat, or refresh myself, it is done with such +an absence, or separation, as I wonder at, with an entire mortification +of the keenness of sensation in all the natural functions. + + + + +CHAPTER 19 + + +To resume my history, the smallpox had so much hurt one of my eyes, +that it was feared I would lose it. The gland at the corner of my eye +was injured. An imposthume arose from time to time between the nose and +the eye, which gave me great pain till it was lanced. It swelled all my +head to that degree that I could not bear even a pillow. The least +noise was agony to me, though sometimes they made a great commotion in +my chamber. Yet this was a precious time to me, for two reasons. First, +because I was left in bed alone, where I had a sweet retreat without +interruption; the other, because it answered the desire I had for +suffering,--which desire was so great, that all the austerities of the +body would have been but as a drop of water to quench so great a fire. +Indeed the severities and rigors which I then exercised were extreme, +but they did not appease this appetite for the cross. It is Thou alone, +O Crucified Saviour, who canst make the cross truly effectual for the +death of self. Let others bless themselves in their ease or gaiety, +grandeur or pleasures, poor temporary heavens; for me, my desires were +all turned another way, even to the silent path of suffering for +Christ, and to be united to Him, through the mortification of all that +was of nature in me, that my senses, appetites and will, being dead to +these, might wholly live in Him. + +I obtained leave to go to Paris for the cure of my eye; and yet it was +much more through the desire I had to see Monsieur Bertot, a man of +profound experience, whom Mother Granger had lately assigned to me for +my director. I went to take leave of my father, who embraced me with +peculiar tenderness, little thinking then that it would be our last +adieu. + +Paris was a place now no longer to be dreaded as in times past. The +throngs only served to draw me into a deep recollection, and the noise +of the streets augmented my inward prayer. I saw Monsieur Bertot, who +did not prove of that service to me, which he would have been if I had +then the power to explain myself. Though I wished earnestly to hide +nothing from him, yet God held me so closely to Him, that I could +scarcely tell anything at all. As soon as I spoke to him, everything +vanished from my mind, so that I could remember nothing but some few +faults. As I saw him very seldom, and nothing stayed in my +recollection, and as I read of nothing any way resembling my case, I +knew not how to explain myself. Besides, I desired to make nothing +known, but the evil which was in me. Therefore Monsieur Bertot knew me +not, even till his death. This was of great utility to me, by taking +away every support, and making me truly die to myself. + +I went to pass the ten days, from the Ascension to Whitsuntide, at an +abbey four leagues from Paris, the abbess of which had a particular +friendship for me. Here my union with God seemed to be deeper and more +continued, becoming always simple, at the same time more close and +intimate. + +One day I awoke suddenly at four o'clock in the morning, with a strong +impression on my mind that my father was dead. At the same time my soul +was in a very great contentment, yet my love for him affected it with +sorrow, and my body with weakness. Under the strokes and daily troubles +which befell me, my will was so subservient to Thine, O my God, that it +appeared absolutely united to it. There seemed, indeed, to be no will +left in me but Thine only. My own disappeared, and no desires, +tendencies or inclinations were left, but to the one sole object of +whatever was most pleasing to Thee, be it what it would. If I had a +will, it was in union with thine, as two well tuned lutes in concert. +That which is not touched renders the same sound as that which is +touched; it is but one and the same sound, one pure harmony. It is this +union of the will which establishes in perfect peace. Yet, though my +own will was lost I have found since, in the strange states I have been +obliged to pass through, how much it had yet to cost me to have it +totally lost. How many souls are there which think their own wills +quite lost, while they are yet very far from it! They would find they +still subsist, if they met with severe trials. Who is there who does +not wish something for himself, either of interest, wealth, honor, +pleasure, conveniency and liberty. He who thinks his mind loose from +all these objects, because he possesses them, would soon perceive his +attachment to them, were he stripped of those he possessed. If there +are found in a whole age three persons so dead to everything, as to be +utterly resigned to providence without any exception, they may well +pass for prodigies of grace. + +In the afternoon as I was with the abbess, I told her I had strong +presentiments of my father's death. Indeed I could hardly speak, I was +so affected within. Presently one came to tell her that she was wanted +in the parlor. It was a messenger come in haste, with an account from +my husband that my father was ill. And as I afterward found, he +suffered only twelve hours. He was therefore by this time dead. The +abbess returning, said, "Here is a letter from your husband, who writes +that your father is taken violently ill." I said to her, "He is dead, I +cannot have a doubt about it." + +I sent away to Paris immediately, to hire a coach, to go the sooner; +mine waited for me at the midway. I went off at nine o'clock at night. +They said. I "was going to destroy myself." I had no acquaintance with +me as I had sent away my maid to Paris, to put everything in order +there. Being in a religious house, I had no mind to keep a footman with +me. The abbess told me, that "since I thought my father was dead, it +would be rashness in me to expose myself, and run the risk of my life +in that manner. Coaches could hardly pass the way I was going, it being +no beaten road." I answered, "It was my indispensable duty to go to +assist my father, and that I ought not, on a bare apprehension, to +exempt myself from it." I then went alone, abandoned to Providence, +with people unknown. My weakness was so great, that I could hardly keep +my seat in the coach. I was often forced to alight, on account of +dangerous places in the road. + +In this way I was obliged, about midnight, to cross a forest, notorious +for murders and robberies. The most intrepid dreaded it; but my +resignation left me scarce any room to think at all about it. What +fears and uneasiness does a resigned soul spare itself! All alone I +arrived within five leagues of my own habitation, where I found my +confessor who had opposed me, with one of my relations, waiting for me. +The sweet consolation I had enjoyed, when alone, was now interrupted. +My confessor, ignorant of my state, restrained me entirely. My grief +was of such a nature that I could not shed a tear. And I was ashamed to +hear a thing which I knew but too well, without giving any exterior +mark of grief. The inward and profound peace I enjoyed dawned on my +countenance. The state I was in did not permit me to speak, or to do +such things as are usually expected from persons of piety. I could do +nothing but love and be silent. + +I found on my arrival at home, that my father was already buried +because of the excessive heat. It was ten o'clock at night. All wore +the habit of mourning. I had traveled thirty leagues in a day and a +night. As I was very weak, not having taken any nourishment, I was +instantly put to bed. + +About two o'clock in the morning my husband got up, and having gone out +of my chamber, he returned presently, crying out with all his might, +"My daughter is dead!" She was my only daughter, as dearly beloved as +truly lovely. She had so many graces both of body and mind conferred on +her, that one must have been insensible not to have loved her. She had +an extraordinary share of love to God. Often was she found in corners +at prayer. As soon as she perceived me at prayer, she came and joined. +If she discovered that I had been without her, she would weep bitterly +and cry, "Ah, mamma, you pray but I don't." When we were alone and she +saw my eyes closed she would whisper, "Are you asleep?" Then she would +cry out, "Ah no, you are praying to our dear Jesus." Dropping on her +knees before me she would begin to pray too. She was several times +whipped by her grandmother, because she said, she would never have any +other husband but our Lord. She could never make her say otherwise. She +was innocent and modest as a little angel; very dutiful and endearing, +and withal very beautiful. Her father doted on her, to me she was very +dear, much more for the qualities of her mind than those of her +beautiful person. I looked upon her as my only consolation on earth. +She had as much affection for me, as her brother had aversion and +contempt. She died of an unseasonable bleeding. But what shall I say? +She died by the hands of Him who was pleased, for wise reasons of His +own, to strip me of all. + +There now remained to me only the son of my sorrow. He fell ill to the +point of death, but was restored at the prayer of Mother Granger who +was now my only consolation after God. I no more wept for my child than +for my father. I could only say, "Thou, O Lord, gave her to me; it +pleases Thee to take her back again, for she was Thine." As for my +father, his virtue was so generally known, that I must rather be +silent, than enter upon the subject. His reliance on God, his faith and +patience were wonderful. Both died in July, 1672. Henceforth crosses +were not spared me, and though I had abundance of them hitherto, yet +they were only the shadows of those which I have been since obliged to +pass through. In this spiritual marriage I claimed for my dowry only +crosses, scourges, persecutions, ignominies, lowliness, and nothingness +of self, which in God's great goodness, and for wise ends, as I have +seen, has been pleased to grant and confer upon me. + +One day, being in great distress on account of the redoubling of +outward and inward crosses, I went into my closet to give vent to my +grief. M. Bertot was brought into my mind, with this wish, "Oh, that he +was sensible of what I suffer!" Though he wrote but very seldom, and +with great difficulty, yet he wrote me a letter dated the same day +about the cross. It was the finest and most consolatory he ever wrote +me on that subject. Sometimes my spirit was so oppressed with continual +crosses, which scarcely gave me any relaxation, that when alone my eyes +turned every way, to see if they could find anything to give relief. A +word, a sigh, a trifle, or to know that anyone took part in my grief, +would have been some comfort. That was not granted me, not even to look +toward Heaven, or to make any complaint. Love held me then so closely, +that it would have this miserable nature to perish, without giving it +any support or nourishment. + +Oh, my dearest Lord! Thou yet gavest my soul a victorious support, +which made it triumph over all the weaknesses of nature, and seized Thy +knife to sacrifice it without sparing. And yet this nature so perverse, +and full of artifices to save its life, at last took the course of +nourishing itself on its own despair, on its fidelity under such heavy +and continual oppression. It sought to conceal the value it attributed +thereto. But thy eyes were too penetrating not to detect the subtilty. +Wherefore, thou, O my Shepherd, changed Thy conduct toward it. Thou +sometimes comforted it with thy crook and Thy staff; that is to say, by +Thy conduct as loving as crucifying; but it was only to reduce it to +the last extremity, as I shall show hereafter. + + + + +CHAPTER 20 + + +A lady of rank, whom I sometimes visited, took a particular liking to +me, because (as she was pleased to say) my person and manners were +agreeable. She said that she observed in me something extraordinary and +uncommon. I believe it was the inward attraction of my soul that +appeared on my very countenance. One day a gentleman of fashion said to +my husband's aunt, "I saw the lady your niece; and it is very evident +that she lives in the presence of God." I was surprised at this, as I +little thought such an one as he could know what it was to have God +thus present. This lady of rank began to be touched with the sense of +God. Wanting once to take me to the play, I refused to go; (I never +went to plays) making use of the pretext of my husband's continual +indispositions. She pressed me exceedingly, and said, "I should not be +prevented by his sickness from taking some amusement and I was not of +an age to be confined with the sick like a nurse." I told her my +reasons. She then perceived that it was more from a principle of piety, +than the indispositions of my husband. Insisting to know my sentiment +of plays, I told her, I entirely disapproved of them, and especially +for a Christian woman. And as she was far more advanced in years than I +was, what I then said made such an impression on her mind, she never +went again. + +Once with her and another lady, who was fond of talking and who had +read "the fathers," they spoke much of God. This lady spoke learnedly +of Him. I said scarcely anything, being inwardly drawn to silence, and +troubled at this conversation about God. My acquaintance came next day +to see me. The Lord had so touched her heart, she could hold out no +longer. I attributed this to something the other lady had said, but she +said to me, "Your silence had something in it which penetrated to the +bottom of my soul. I could not relish what the other said." We spoke to +one another with open hearts. + +It was then that God left indelible impressions of His grace on her +soul, and she continued so athirst for Him, that she could scarcely +endure to converse on any other subject. That she might become wholly +His, He deprived her of a most affectionate husband. He visited her +with such severe crosses, and at the same time poured His grace so +abundantly into her heart, that He soon became the sole master thereof. +After the death of her husband, and the loss of most of her fortune, +she went to reside four leagues from our house, on a small estate, +which was left. She obtained my husband's consent to my going to spend +a week with her, to console her. God gave her by my means all she +wanted. She had a great share of understanding, but was surprised at my +expressing things to her so far above my natural capacity. I should +have been surprised at it myself. It was God who gave me the gift for +her sake, diffusing a flood of grace into her soul, without regarding +the unworthiness of the channel of which He was pleased to make use. +Since that time her soul has been the temple of the Holy Ghost, and our +hearts have been indissolubly united. + +My husband and I took a little journey together, in which both my +resignation and humility were exercised, yet without difficulty or +constraint, so powerful was the influence of divine grace. We had all +liked to have perished in a river. The rest of the company in desperate +fright threw themselves out of the coach, which sunk in the moving +sand. I continued so much inwardly occupied, that I did not once think +of the danger. God delivered me from it without my thought of avoiding +it. I was quite content to be drowned, had He permitted it. It may be +said, "I was rash." I believe I was so; yet I rather chose to perish, +trusting in God, than make my escape in a dependence on myself. What +say I? We do not perish, but for want of trusting Him. My pleasure is +to be indebted to Him for everything. This renders me content in my +miseries, which I would rather endure all my life long, in a state of +resignation to Him, than put an end to them, in a dependence on myself. +However, I would not advise others to act thus, unless they were in the +same disposition which I was in. + +As my husband's maladies daily increased, he resolved to go to St. +Reine. He appeared very desirous of having none but me with him, and +told me one day, "If they never spoke to me against you, I should be +more easy, and you more happy." In this journey I committed many faults +of self-love and self-seeking. I was become like a poor traveler that +had lost his way in the night and could find no way, path, or track. My +husband, in his return from St. Reine, passed by St. Edm. Having now no +children but my first-born son, who was often at the gates of death, he +wished exceedingly for heirs, and prayed for them earnestly. God +granted his desire, and gave me a second son. As I was several weeks +without any one daring to speak to me, on account of my great weakness, +it was a time of retreat and of silence. I tried to indemnify myself +for the loss of time I had sustained in the others, to pray to Thee, O +my God, and to continue alone with Thee. I may say that God took a new +possession of me, and left me not. It was a time of continual joy +without interruption. As I had experienced many inward difficulties and +weaknesses it was a new life. It seemed as if I was already in the +fruition of beatitude. How dear did this happy time cost me, since it +was only a preparative to a total privation of comfort for several +years, without any support, or hope of return! It began with the death +of Mrs. Granger, who had been my only consolation under God. Before my +return from St. Reine I heard she was dead. + +When I received this news, I confess it was the most afflicting stroke +I had ever felt. I thought that had I been with her at her death I +might have spoken to her and received her last instructions. God has so +ordered it that I was deprived of her assistance in almost all my +losses, in order to render the strokes more painful. Some months indeed +before her death, it was shown to me, that though I could not see her +but with difficulty, and suffering for it, yet she was still some +support to me. The Lord let me know that it would be profitable for me +to be deprived of her. But at the time she died I did not think so. It +was in that trying season when my paths were all blocked up, she was +taken from me. She who might have guided me in my lonesome and +difficult road, bounded as it were with precipices, and entangled with +briars and thorns. + +Adorable conduct of my God! there must be no guide for the person whom +Thou art leading into the regions of darkness and death, no conductor +for the man whom thou art determined to destroy, (that is, to cause to +die totally to himself). After having saved me with much mercy, after +having led me by the hand in rugged paths, it seems Thou wast bent on +my destruction. May it not be said that Thou dost not save but to +destroy, nor go to seek the lost sheep, but to cause it to be yet more +lost; that Thou art pleased in building what is demolished, and in +demolishing what is built. Thou wouldst overturn the temple built by +human endeavors, with so much care and industry, in order as it were +miraculously to erect a divine structure, a house not built with hands, +eternal in the Heavens. Secrets of the incomprehensible wisdom of God, +unknown to any besides Himself! Man, sprung up only of a few days, +wants to penetrate, and to set bounds to it. Who is it that hath known +the mind of the Lord, or who hath been His counselor? Is it a wisdom +only to be known through death to everything, and through the entire +loss of all self? + +My brother now openly showed his hatred for me. He married at Orleans +and my husband had the complaisance to go to his marriage. He was in a +poor state of health, the roads bad, and so covered over with snow, +that we had like to have been overturned twelve or fifteen times. Yet +far from appearing obliged by his politeness, my brother quarreled with +him more than ever, and without reason. I was the butt of both their +resentments. While I was at Orleans, meeting with one whom at that time +I thought highly of, I was too forward and free in speaking to him of +spiritual things, thinking I was doing well, but had a remorse for it +afterwards. How often we mistake nature for grace! One must be dead to +self, when such fowardness comes from God only. + +My brother treated me with the utmost contempt. Yet, my mind was so +fully drawn inward, that although we had much more danger on the road +than when going, I had no thought about myself, but all about my +husband. Seeing the coach overturning, I said, "Fear not, it is on my +side that it falls; it will not hurt you." I believe, had all perished, +I should not have been moved. My peace was so profound that nothing +could shake it. If these times continued, we should be too strong. They +now began to come but seldom and were followed with long and wearisome +privations. Since that time my brother has changed for the better, and +has turned on the side of God, but he has never turned to me. It has +been by particular permission of God, and the conduct of His providence +over my soul, that has caused him and other religious persons, who have +persecuted me, to think they were rendering glory to God, and doing +acts of justice therein. Indeed, it is just that all creatures should +be treacherous to me, and declare against me, who have too many times +been treacherous to God, and sided with His enemy. + +After this there was a very perplexing affair. To me it caused great +crosses, and seemed designed for nothing else. A certain person +conceived so much malice against my husband, that he was determined to +ruin him if possible. He found no other way to attempt it, but by +entering into a private engagement with my brother. He obtained a power +to demand, in the name of the king's brother, two hundred thousand +livres, which he pretended that my brother and I owed him. My brother +signed the processes, upon an assurance given him that he should not +pay anything. I think his youth engaged him in what he did not +understand. This affair so chagrined my husband, that I have reason to +believe it shortened his days. He was so angry with me (although I was +innocent), that he could not speak to me except in a fury. He would +give me no light into the affair, and I did not know in what it +consisted. In the height of his rage, he said he would not meddle with +it, but give me my portion, and let me live as I could. On the other +side, my brother would not move in it, nor suffer anything to be done. +The day of the trial, after prayer, I felt myself strongly pressed to +go to the judges. I was wonderfully assisted even so as to discover and +unravel all the turns and artifices of this affair, without knowing how +I could have been able to do it. The first judge was so surprised to +see the affair so different from what he had thought it before, that he +himself exhorted me to go to the other judges, and especially to the +intendant, who was just then going to court. He was quite misinformed +about the matter. God enabled me to manifest the truth in so clear a +light, and gave such power to my words, that the intendant thanked me +for having so seasonably come to undeceive, and set him right. Had I +not done this, he assured me the cause had been lost. As they saw the +falsehood of every point, they would have condemned the plaintiff to +pay the costs, if he had not been so great a prince, who lent his name +to the scheme. To save the honor of the prince they ordered us to pay +him fifty crowns. Hereby the two hundred thousand livres were reduced +to only one hundred and fifty. My husband was exceedingly pleased at +what I had done. My brother appeared as outrageous against me, as if I +had caused him some great loss. Thus moderately and at once ended an +affair, which had at first appeared so very weighty and alarming. + + + + +CHAPTER 21 + + +About this time I fell into a state of total privation which lasted +nearly seven years. I seemed to myself cast down like Nebuchadnezzar, +to live among beasts; a deplorable state, yet of the greatest advantage +to me, by the use which divine wisdom made of it. This state of +emptiness, darkness, and impotency, went far beyond any trials I had +ever yet met. I have since experienced, that the prayer of the heart +when it appears most dry and barren, nevertheless is not ineffectual +nor offered in vain. God gives what is best for us, though not what we +most relish or wish for. Were people but convinced of this truth, they +would be far from complaining all their lives. By causing us death He +would procure us life; for all our happiness, spiritual, temporal and +eternal, consists in resigning ourselves to God, leaving it to Him to +do in us and with us as He pleases, and with so much the more +submission; as things please us less. By this pure dependence on His +Spirit, everything is given us admirably. Our very weaknesses, in His +hand, prove a source of humilition. If the soul were faithful to leave +itself in the hand of God, sustaining all His operations whether +gratifying or mortifying, suffering itself to be conducted, from moment +to moment, by His hand, and annihilated by the strokes of His +Providence, without complaining, or desiring anything but what it has; +it would soon arrive at the experience of the eternal truth, though it +might not at once know the ways and methods by which God conducted it +there. + +People want to direct God instead of resigning themselves to be +directed by Him. They want to show Him a way, instead of passively +following that wherein He leads them. Hence many souls, called to enjoy +God Himself, and not barely His gifts, spend all their lives in running +after little consolations, and feeding on them--resting there only, +making all their happiness to consist therein. + +If my chains and my imprisonment in any way afflict you, I pray that +they may serve to engage you to seek nothing but God for Himself alone, +and never to desire to possess Him but by the death of your whole +selves, never to seek to be something in the ways of the Spirit, but +choose to enter into the most profound nothingness. + +I had an internal strife, which continually racked me--two powers which +appeared equally strong seemed equally to struggle for the mastery +within me. On the one hand, a desire of pleasing Thee, O my God, a fear +of offending, and a continual tendency of all my powers to Thee--on the +other side, the view of all my inward corruptions, the depravity of my +heart, and the continual stirring and rising of self. What torrents of +tears, what desolations have these cost me? "Is it possible," I cried, +"that I have received so many graces and favors from God only to lose +them;--that I have loved Him with so much ardor, but to be eternally +deprived of Him; that His benefits have only produced ingratitude; His +fidelity been repaid with infidelity; that my heart has been emptied of +all creatures, and created objects, and filled with His blessed +presence and love, in order now to be wholly void of divine power, and +only filled with wanderings and created objects!" + +I could now no longer pray as formerly. Heaven seemed shut to me, and I +thought justly. I could get no consolation or make any complaint; nor +had I any creature on earth to apply to. I found myself banished from +all beings without finding a support of refuge in anything. I could no +more practice any virtue with facility. "Alas!" said I, "is it possible +that this heart, formerly all on fire, should now become like ice!" I +often thought all creatures combined against me. Laden with a weight of +past sins, and a multitude of new ones, I could not think God would +ever pardon me, but looked on myself as a victim designed for Hell. I +would have been glad to do penances, to make use of prayers, +pilgrimages, and vows. But still, whatever I tried for a remedy seemed +only to increase the malady. I may say that tears were my drink, and +sorrow my food. I felt in myself such a pain as I never could bring any +to comprehend, but such as have experienced it. I had within myself an +executioner who tortured me without respite. Even when I went to +church, I was not easy there. To sermons I could give no attention; +they were now of no service or refreshment to me. I scarcely conceived +or understood anything in them, or about them. + + + + +CHAPTER 22 + + +As my husband drew near his end, his distempers had no intermission. No +sooner was he recovered from one when he fell into another. He bore +great pains with much patience offering them to God and making a good +use of them. Yet his anger toward me increased, because reports and +stories of me were multiplied to him, and those about him did nothing +but vex him. He was the more susceptible of such impressions, as his +pains gave him a stronger bent to vexation. At this time, the maid, who +used to torment me sometimes took pity on me. She came to see me as +soon as I was gone into my closet, and said, "Come to my master that +your mother-in-law may not speak any more to him against you." I +pretended to be ignorant of it all but he could not conceal his +displeasure, nor even suffer me near him. My mother-in-law at the same +time kept no bounds. All that came to the house were witnesses of the +continual scoldings, which I was forced to bear, and which I bore with +much patience, notwithstanding my being in the condition I have +mentioned. + +My husband having, sometime before his death, finished the building of +the chapel in the country, where we spent a part of the summer, I had +the conveniency of hearing prayers every day, and of the communion. Not +daring to do it openly every day, the priest privately admitted me to +the communion. They solemnized the dedication of this little chapel. I +felt myself all on a sudden inwardly seized, which continued more than +five hours, all the time of the ceremony, when our Lord made a new +consecration of me to Himself. I then seemed to myself a temple +consecrated to Him, both for time and for eternity. I said within +myself, (speaking both of the one and the other) "May this temple never +be profaned; may the praises of God be sung therein forever!" It seemed +to me at that time as if my prayer was granted. But soon all this was +taken from me, and not so much as any remembrance left to console me. + +When I was at this country house, which was only a little place of +retreat before the chapel was built, I retired for prayer to woods and +caverns. How many times, here, has God preserved me from dangerous and +venomous beasts! Sometimes, unawares, I kneeled upon serpents, which +were there in great plenty; they fled away without doing me any harm. +Once I happened to be alone in a little wood wherein was a mad bull; +but he betook himself to flight. If I could recount all the providences +of God in my favor, it would appear wonderful. They were indeed so +frequent and continual, that I could not but be astonished at them. God +everlastingly gives to such as have nothing to repay Him. If there +appears in the creature any fidelity or patience, it is He alone who +gives it. If He ceases for an instant to support, if He seems to leave +me to myself, I cease to be strong, and find myself weaker than any +other creature. If my miseries show what I am, His favors show what He +is, and the extreme necessity I am under of ever depending on Him. + +After twelve years and four months of marriage, crosses as great as +possible, except poverty which I never knew, though I had much desired +it, God drew me out of that state to give me still stronger crosses of +such a nature as I had never met with before. For if you give +attention, sir, to the life which you have ordered me to write, you +will remark that my crosses have been increasing till the present time, +one removed to give place to another to succeed it, still heavier than +the former. Amid the troubles imposed upon me, when they said, I "was +in a mortal sin," I had nobody in the world to speak to. I could have +wished to have had somebody for a witness of my conduct; but I had +none. I had no support, no confessor, no director, no friend, no +councillor. I had lost all. And after God had taken from me one after +another, He withdrew also Himself. I remained without any creature; and +to complete my distress, I seemed to be left without God, who alone +could support me in such a deeply distressing state. + +My husband's illness grew every day more obstinate. He apprehended the +approach of death, and even wished for it, so oppressive was +languishing life. To his other ills was great dislike to every sort of +nourishment; he did not take anything necessary to sustain life. I +alone had the courage to get him to take what little he did. The doctor +advised him to go to the country. There for a few days at first he +seemed to be better, when he was suddenly taken with a complication of +diseases. His patience increased his pain. I saw plainly he could not +live long. It was a great trouble to me, that my mother-in-law kept me +from him as much as she could. She infused into his mind such a +displeasure against me, that I was afraid lest he should die in it. I +took a little interval of time when she happened not to be with him, +and drawing near his bed, I kneeled down and said to him, "That if I +had ever done any thing that displeased him I begged his pardon, +assuring him it had not been voluntary." He appeared very much +affected. As he had just come out of a sound sleep, he said to me, "It +is I who beg your pardon, I did not deserve you." After that time he +was not only pleased to see me, but gave me advice what I should do +after his death; not to depend on the people on whom now I depended. He +was for eight days very resigned and patient. I sent to Paris for the +most skillful surgeon; but when he arrived my husband was dead. + +No mortal could die in a more Christian disposition, or with more +courage than he did, after having received the sacrament in a manner +truly edifying. I was not present when he expired, for out of +tenderness he made me retire. He was above twenty hours unconscious and +in the agonies of his death. It was in the morning of July 21, 1676, +that he died. Next day I entered into my closet, in which was the image +of my divine spouse, the Lord Jesus Christ. I renewed my +marriage-contract, and added thereto a vow of chastity, with a promise +to make it perpetual, if M. Bertot my director, would permit me. After +that I was filled with great joy, which was new to me, as for a long +time past I had been plunged in the deepest bitterness. + +As soon as I heard that my husband had expired, "Oh, my God," I cried, +"thou hast broken my bonds, and I will offer thee a sacrifice of +praise." After that I remained in a deep silence, both exterior and +interior, quite dry and without any support. I could neither weep nor +speak. My mother-in-law said very fine things, and was very much +commended for it by everyone. They were offended at my silence, which +they attributed to want of resignation. A friar told me, that everyone +admired the fine acts which my mother-in-law did; but as for me, they +heard me say nothing; that I must sacrifice my loss to God. But I could +not say one single word, let me strive as I would. + +I was indeed very much exhausted. Although I was but recently delivered +of my daughter, yet I attended and sat up with my husband four and +twenty nights before his death. I was more than a year after in +recovering from fatigue, joined to my great weakness and pain both of +body and of mind. The great depression, or dryness and stupidity which +I was in, was such that I could not say a word about God. It bore me +down in such a manner that I could hardly speak. However, I entered for +some moments into the admiration of thy goodness, O my God. I saw well +that my crosses would not fail, since my mother-in-law had survived my +husband. Also I was still tied, in having two children given me in so +short a time before my husband's death, which evidently appeared the +effect of divine wisdom; for had I only my eldest son, I would have put +him in a college; and have gone myself into the convent of the +Benedictines, and so frustrated all the designs of God upon me. + +I was willing to show the esteem I had for my husband, in causing the +most magnificent funeral to be made for him at my own expense. I paid +off the legacies he had left. My mother-in-law violently opposed +everything I could do for securing my own interests. I had nobody to +apply to for advice or help; for my brother would not give me the least +assistance. I was ignorant of business affairs; but God, independent of +my natural understandings, always made me fit for everything that +pleased Him, and supplied me with such a perfect intelligence that I +succeeded. I omitted not the least minutia, and was surprised that in +these matters I should know without ever having learned. I digested all +my papers, and regulated all my affairs, without assistance from any +one. My husband had abundance of writings deposited in his hands. I +took an exact inventory of them, and sent them severally to their +owners, which, without divine assistance, would have been very +difficult for me; because, my husband having been a long time sick, +everything was in the greatest confusion. This gained me the reputation +of being a skillful woman. + +There was one matter of great importance. A number of persons, who had +been contending at law for several years, applied to my husband to +settle their affairs. Though it was not properly the business of a +gentleman, yet they applied to him, because he had both understanding +and prudence; and as he had a love for several of them, he consented. +There were twenty actions one upon another, and in all twenty-two +persons concerned, who could not get any end put to their differences, +by reason of new incidents continually falling out. My husband charged +himself with getting lawyers to examine their papers, but died before +he could make any procedure therein. After his death I sent for them to +give them their papers; but they would not receive them, begging of me +that I would accommodate them, and prevent their ruin. It appeared to +me as ridiculous, as impossible, to undertake an affair of so great +consequence, and which would require so long a discussion. +Nevertheless, relying on the strength and wisdom of God, I consented. I +shut myself up about thirty days for all these affairs, without ever +going out, but to mass and to my meals. The arbitration being at length +prepared, they all signed it without seeing it. They were all so well +satisfied therewith, that they could not forbear publishing it +everywhere. It was God alone who did those things; for after they were +settled I knew nothing about them; and if I now hear any talk of such +things, to me it sounds like Arabic. + + + + +CHAPTER 23 + + +Being now a widow, my crosses, which one would have thought should have +abated, only increased. That turbulent domestic I have often mentioned, +instead of growing milder, now that she depended on me became more +furious than ever. In our house she had amassed a good fortune, and I +settled on her, besides, an annuity for the remainder of her life, for +the services she had done my husband. She swelled with vanity and +haughtiness. Having been used to sit up so much with an invalid, she +had taken to drink wine, to keep up her spirits. This had now passed +into a habit. As she grew aged and weak, a very little of it affected +her. I tried to hide this fault, but it grew so that it could not be +concealed. I spoke of it to her confessor, in order that he might try, +softly and artfully to reclaim her from it; but instead of profiting by +her director's advice, she was outrageous against me. My mother-in-law, +who could hardly bear the fault of intemperance, and had often spoken +to me about it, now joined in reproaching me and vindicating her. This +strange creature, when any company came, would cry out with all her +might, that I had dishonored her, thrown her into despair, and would be +the cause of her damnation, as I was taking the ready course to my own. +Yet God gave me an unbounded patience. I answered only with mildness +and charity all her passionate invectives, giving her besides every +possible mark of my affection. If any other maid came to wait on me, +she would drive her back in a rage, crying out, that I hated her on +account of the affection with which she had served my husband. When she +had not a mind to come, I was obliged to serve myself; and when she did +come, it was to chide me and make a noise. When I was very unwell, as +was often the case, this girl would appear to be in despair. From hence +I thought it was from Thee, O Lord, that all this came upon me. Without +thy permission, she was scarcely capable of such unaccountable conduct. +She seemed not sensible of any faults, but always to think herself in +the right. All those whom Thou hast made use of to cause me to suffer, +thought they were rendering service to Thee in so doing. + +Before my husband's death, I went to Paris on purpose to see Monsieur +Bertot, who had been of very little service to me as a director. Not +knowing my state, and I being incapable of telling him of it, he grew +weary of the charge. At length he gave it up, and wrote to me to take +another director. I made no doubt but God had revealed to him my wicked +state; and this desertion of me seemed a most certain mark of my +reprobation. This was during the life of my husband. But now my renewed +solicitations, and his sympathy with me on my husband's death, +prevailed on him to resume my direction, which to me still proved of +very little service. I went again to Paris to see him. While there, I +visited him twelve or fifteen times, without being able to tell him +anything of my condition. I told him, indeed, that I wanted some +ecclesiastic to educate my son, to rid him of his bad habits, and of +the wrong impressions he had conceived against me. He found one for me, +of whom he had received very good recommendations. + +I went to make a retreat with M. Bertot and Madame de C. All that time +he spoke to me not a quarter of an hour at most. As he saw that I said +nothing to him, for indeed I knew not what to say, as I had not spoken +to him of the favors which God had conferred on me (not from a desire +to conceal them, but because the Lord did not permit me to do it, as He +had over me only the designs of death) he therefore spoke to such as he +looked upon to be more advanced in grace. He let me alone as one for +whom there was nothing to be done. So well did God hide from him the +situation of my soul, in order to make me suffer, that he wanted to +refer me, thinking that I had not the spirit of prayer, and that Mrs. +Granger was mistaken when she told him I had. I did what I could to +obey him, but it was entirely impossible. On this account I was +displeased with myself, because I believed M. Bertot rather than my +experience. Through this whole retreat my inclination, which I +discerned only by my resistance to it, was to rest in silence and +nakedness of thought. In the settling of my mind therein I feared I was +disobeying the orders of my director. This made me think that I had +fallen from grace. I kept myself in a state of nothingness, content +with my poor low degree of prayer, without envying the higher degree of +others, of which I judged myself unworthy. I would have, however, +desired much to do the will of God, and to please Him, but despaired +altogether of ever attaining that desirable end. + +There was in the place where I lived, and had been for some years, one +whose doctrine was suspected. He possessed a dignity in the church, +which always obliged me to have a deference for him. As he understood +how averse I was to all who were suspected of unsoundness in the faith, +and knowing that I had some credit in the place, he used his utmost +efforts to engage me in his sentiments. I answered him with so much +clearness and energy, that he had not a word to reply. This increased +his desire to win me in order to do it, to contract a friendship for +me. He continued to importune me for two years and a half. As he was +very polite, and of an obliging temper, and had a good share of +learning, I did not mistrust him. I even conceived a hope of his +conversion, in which I found myself mistaken. I then ceased going near +him. He came to inquire why he could see me no more. At that time he +was so agreeable to my sick husband, in his assiduities about him, that +I could not avoid him though I thought the shortest and best way for me +would be break off all acquaintance with him, which I did after the +death of my husband. M. Bertot would not permit me to do it before. +When he now saw that he could not renew it, he and his party raised up +strong persecutions against me. + +These gentlemen had at that time a method among them, by which they +soon knew who were of their party, and who were opposite. They sent to +one another circular letters, by means of which, in a very little time, +they cried me down on every side, after a very strange manner. Yet this +gave me little trouble. I was glad of my new liberty, intending never +again to enter into an intimacy with anyone, which would give me so +much difficulty to break. + +This inability I was now in, of doing those exterior acts of charity I +had done before, served this person with a pretext to publish that it +was owing to him I had formerly done them. Willing to ascribe to +himself the merit of what God alone, by His grace, had made me do, he +went so far as to preach against me publicly, as one who had been a +bright pattern to the town, but was now become a scandal to it. Several +times he preached very offensive things. Though I was present at those +sermons, and they were enough to weigh me down with confusion, for they +offended all that heard them, I could not be troubled. I carried in +myself my own condemnation beyond utterance. I thought I merited +abundantly worse than all he could say of me, and that, if all men knew +me, they would trample me under their feet. My reputation then was +blasted by the industry of this ecclesiastic. He caused all such as +passed for persons of piety to declare against me. I thought he and +they were in the right and therefore quietly bore it all. Confused like +a criminal that dares not lift up his eyes, I looked upon the virtue of +others with respect. I saw no fault in others and no virtue in myself. +When any happened to praise me, it was like a heavy blow struck at me, +and I said in myself, "They little know my miseries, and from what +state I have fallen." When any blamed me, I agreed to it, as right and +just. Nature wanted sometimes to get out of such an abject condition, +but could not find any way. If I tried to make an outward appearance of +righteousness, by the practice of some good thing, my heart in secret +rebuked me as guilty of hypocrisy, in wanting to appear what I was not; +and God did not permit that to succeed. Oh, how excellent are the +crosses of Providence! All other crosses are of no value. + +I was often very ill and in danger of death, and knew not how to +prepare myself for it. Several persons of piety, who had been +acquainted with me, wrote to me about those things which the gentleman +spread about me. I did not offer to justify myself, although I knew +myself innocent of the things whereof they accused me. One day being in +the greatest desolation and distress, I opened the New Testament on +these words, "My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made +perfect in weakness." That for a little time gave me some relief. + + + + +CHAPTER 24 + + +The Lord took from me all the sensibility which I had for the +creatures, or things created, even in an instant, as one takes off a +robe. After that time I had none for any whatsoever. Though He had done +me that favor, for which I can never be sufficiently grateful, I was, +however, neither more contented nor less confused by it. My God seemed +to be so estranged and displeased with me, that there remained nothing +but the grief of having lost His blessed presence through my fault. The +loss of my reputation every day increasing, became sensible to my +heart, though I was not allowed to justify or bewail myself. + +As I became always more impotent for every kind of exterior works, as I +could not go to see the poor, nor stay at church, nor practice prayer; +as I became colder toward God, in proportion as I was more sensible of +my wrong steps, all this destroyed me the more both in my own eyes and +in those of others. There were some very considerable gentlemen who +made proposals for me, and even such persons as according to the rules +of fashion ought not to think of me. They presented themselves during +the very depth of my outward and inward desolation. At first it +appeared to me a means of drawing me out of the distress I was in. But +it seemed to me then notwithstanding my pains of body and mind, that if +a king had presented himself to me, I would have refused him with +pleasure, to show thee, O my God, that with all my miseries I was +resolved to be thine alone. + +If Thou wouldst not accept of me, I should at least have the +consolation of having been faithful to Thee to the utmost of my power. +For as to my inward state, I never mentioned it to anybody. I never +spoke thereof, nor of the suitors, though my mother-in-law would say +that if I did not marry, it was because none would have me. It was +sufficient for me that Thou, O my God, knewest that I sacrificed them +to Thee, (without saying a word to anybody) especially one whose high +birth and amiable exterior qualities might have tempted both my vanity +and inclination. Oh, could I but have hoped, to become agreeable to +Thee, such a hope would have been like a change from Hell to Heaven. So +far was I from presuming to hope for it, that I feared this sea of +affliction might also be followed by everlasting misery, in the loss of +Thee. I dared not even desire to enjoy Thee--I only desired not to +offend Thee. + +I was for five or six weeks at the last extremity. I could not take any +nourishment. A spoonful of broth made me faint. My voice was so gone, +that when they put their ears close to my mouth, they could scarcely +distinguish my words. I could not see any hope of salvation, yet was +not unwilling to die. I bore a strong impression that the longer I +lived the more I would sin. Of the two, I thought I would rather choose +Hell than sin. All the good, which God made me do, now seemed to me +evil or full of faults. All my prayers, penances, alms and charities, +seemed to rise up against me, and heighten my condemnation. I thought +there appeared on the side of God, on my own, and from all creatures, +one general condemnation, my conscience was a witness against me, which +I could not appease. What may appear strange, the sins of my youth did +not then give me any pain at all. They did not rise up in judgment +against me, but there appeared one universal testimony against all the +good I had done, and all the sentiments of evil I had entertained. If I +went to confessors, I could tell them nothing of my condition. If I +could have told them, they would have not understood me. They would +have regarded as eminent virtues, what, O my God, thy eyes all pure and +chaste rejected as infidelity. It was then that I felt the truth of +what Thou hast said, that Thou judgest our righteousness. Oh, how pure +art thou! Who can comprehend it? It was then that I turned my eyes on +every side, to see what way succor might come to me; but my succor +could come no way but from Him who made Heaven and earth. As I saw +there was no safety for me, or spiritual health in myself, I entered +into a secret complacency in seeing no good in myself whereon to rest, +or presume for salvation. The nearer my destruction appeared, the more +I found in God Himself, wherewith to augment my trust and confidence, +notwithstanding He seemed so justly irritated against me. It seemed to +me that I had in Jesus Christ all that was wanting in myself. Oh, ye +stout and righteous men! Observe as much as ye please of excellence in +what ye have done to the glory of God. As for me, I only glory in my +infirmities, since they have merited for me such a Saviour! + +All my troubles, joined to the loss of my reputation, which yet was not +so great as I apprehended, (it being only among a party) rendered me so +unable to eat, that it seemed wonderful how I lived. In four days I did +not eat as much as would make one very moderate repast. I was obliged +to keep my bed through mere weakness, my body being no longer able to +support the burden laid upon it. If I had thought, known, or heard +tell, that there had ever been such a state as mine, it would have +exceedingly relieved me. My very pain appeared to me to be sin. +Spiritual books, when I tried to read them, all contributed only to +augment it. I saw in myself none of those states which they set down. I +did not so much as comprehend them. And when they treated the pains of +certain states, I was very far from attributing any of them to myself. +I said to myself, "These persons feel the pains of divine operations; +but as to me, I sin, and feel nothing but my own wicked state." I could +have wished to separate the sin from the confusion of sin, and provided +I had not offended God, all would have been easy to me. + +A slight sketch of my last miseries, which I am glad to let you know, +because in their beginning I omitted many infidelities, having had too +much of an earnest attachment, vain complaisance, unprofitable and +tedious conversations, though self-love and nature made a sort of +necessity for them; but toward the latter part I could not have borne a +speech too human, nor the least thing of the kind. + + + + +CHAPTER 25 + + +The first religious person that God made use of to draw me to Himself, +to whom (according to his desire) I had written from time to time, +wrote to me in the depth of my distress, desiring me to write to him no +more, signifying his disapprobation of what came from me, and that I +displeased God greatly. A father, a Jesuit, who had esteemed me much, +wrote to me in like manner. No doubt, it was by Thy permission, they +thus contributed to complete my desolation. I thanked them for their +charity, and commended myself to their prayers. It was then so +indifferent to me to be decried of everybody, even of the greatest +saints, that it added but little to my pain. The pain of displeasing +God, and the strong propensity I felt in myself to all sorts of faults, +caused me most lively and sensible pain. + +I had been accustomed from the beginning to dryness and privation. I +even preferred it to the state of abounding, because I knew that I must +seek God above all. I had even at the first beginnings, an instinct of +my inmost soul to pass over every manner of thing whatsoever, and to +leave the gifts to run after the Giver. But at this time my spirit and +senses were in such a manner struck, by Thy permission, O my Lord, who +wert pleased to destroy me without mercy, that the farther I went, the +more everything appeared to me a sin; even crosses appeared to me no +more crosses but real faults. I thought I drew them all on myself by my +imprudent words and actions, I was like those, who, looking through a +colored glass, behold everything of the same color with which it is +stained. Had I been able to perform any exterior acts as formerly, or +penances for my evil, it would have relieved me. I was forbidden to do +the latter, besides I grew so timorous, and felt in myself such a +weakness, as made it appear impossible for me to do them. I looked on +them with horror, I found myself now so weak and incapable of anything +of the kind. + +I omit many things, both of providences of the Lord in my favor, and of +rugged paths through which I was obliged to pass. But as I have only +one general view, I leave them in the knowledge of the Lord only. +Afterward, being forsaken of my director, the coldness toward me which +I remarked in the persons conducted by him, gave me no more trouble, +nor indeed the estrangement of all the creatures, on account of my +inward humiliation. My brother also joined with those who exclaimed +against me, even though he had never seen them before. I believe it was +the Lord who conducted things in this way, for my brother has worth, +and undoubtedly thought he did well in acting thus. + +I was obliged to go about some business to a town where some near +relations of my mother-in-law lived. How did I find things changed +there! When I was there before, they entertained me in a most elegant +and obliging manner, regaling me from house to house with emulation. +Now they treated me with the utmost contempt, saying, they did it to +revenge what I made their relation suffer. As I saw the thing went so +far, and that notwithstanding all my care and endeavors to please her, +I had not been able to succeed, I resolved to come to an explanation +with her. I told her that there was a current report that I treated her +ill, though I made it my study to give her every mark of my esteem. If +the report were true, I desired her to allow me to remove from her; for +that I would not choose to stay to give her pain, but only with a quite +contrary view. She answered very coldly, "I might do what I would; for +she had not spoken about it, but was resolved to live apart from me." +This was fairly giving me my discharge, and I thought of taking my +measures privately to retire. As I had not, since my widowhood, made +any visits but such as were of pure necessity, or charity, there were +found too many discontented spirits, who made a party with her against +me. The Lord required of me an inviolable secrecy of all my pains, both +exterior and interior. There is nothing which makes nature die so much, +as to find neither support nor consolation. In short I saw myself +obliged to go out, in the middle of winter, with my children and my +daughters' nurse. At that time there was no house empty in the town, so +the Benedictines offered me an apartment in theirs. + +I was now in a great strait; on one side fearing lest I was shunning +the cross, on the other side thinking it unreasonable to impose my stay +on one to whom it was only painful. Besides what I have related of her +behavior, which still continued, when I went into the country to take a +little repose she complained that I left her alone. If I desired her to +come thither she would not. If I said, "I dare not ask her to come, for +fear of incommoding her by changing her bed," she replied, "It was only +an excuse, because I would not have her go; and that I only went to be +away from her." When I heard that she was displeased at my being in the +country, I returned to the town. Then she could not bear to speak to +me, or to see me. I accosted her without appearing to notice how she +received it. Instead of making me any answer, she turned her head +another way. I often sent her my coach, desiring her to come and spend +a day in the country. She sent it back empty, without any answer. If I +passed some days there without sending it, she complained aloud. In +short, all I did to please her soured her, God so permitting it. She +had in the main a good heart, but was troubled with an uneasy temper: +and I do not fail to think myself under much obligation to her. + +Being with her on Christmas day, I said to her with much affection: "My +mother, on this day was the King of peace born, to bring it to us; I +beg peace of you in His name." I think that touched her, though she +would not let it appear. The ecclesiastic, whom I had met with at home, +far from strengthening and comforting me, did nothing but weaken and +afflict me, telling me that I ought not to suffer certain things. I had +not credit enough to discharge any domestic, however defective or +culpable. As soon as any of them were warned to go away, she sided with +them, and all her friends interfered. As I was ready to go off, one of +my mother-in-law's friends, a man of worth, who had always an esteem +for me, without daring to show it, having heard it, was much afraid +lest I should leave the town; for the removal of my alms, he thought, +would be a loss to the country. He resolved to speak to my +mother-in-law in the softest manner he could for he knew her. After he +had spoken to her, she said, that she would not put me away, but if I +went, she would not hinder me. After this he came to see me, and +desired me to go and make an excuse to her, in order to content her. I +told him, I should be willing to make a hundred, although "I did not +know about what; that I did it continually about everything, which made +her uneasy. But that was not now the matter, for I make no complaint of +her, but thought it not proper for me to continue with her, to give her +pain; that it was but just that I should contribute to her ease." +However, he went with me into her room. Then I told her, that I begged +her pardon, if ever I had displeased her in anything, that it had never +been my intention to do it; that I desired her, before this gentleman, +who was her friend, to tell me wherein I had given her any offense. +Here God permitted; she made a declaration of the truth in his +presence. She said, "She was not a person to suffer herself to be +offended; that she had no other complaint against me but that I did not +love her, and that I wished her dead." I answered her that these +thoughts were far from my heart, so far from it, that I should be glad, +by my best care and attendance on her, to prolong her days; that my +affection was real, but that she never would be persuaded to believe +it, whatever testimonies I could give, so long as she hearkened to +people who spoke to her against me; that she had with her a maid, who, +far from showing me any respect, treated me ill, so far as to push me +when she wanted to pass by. She had done it at church, making me give +way to her with as much violence as contempt, several times, also, in +my room grating me with her words: that I had never complained of it, +because such a temper might one day give her trouble. She took the +girl's part. Nevertheless we embraced and it was left so. Soon after, +when I was in the country, this maid, having me no more to vent her +chagrins on behaved in such a manner to my mother-in-law that she could +not bear it. She immediately put her out of doors. I must say here on +my mother-in-law's behalf, that she had both sense and virtue, and +except certain faults, which persons who do not practice prayer are +liable to, she had good qualities. Perhaps I caused crosses to her +without intending it, and she to me without knowing it. I hope what I +write will not be seen by any who may be offended with it, or who may +not be in a condition to see these matters in God. + +That gentleman who had used me so ill, for breaking off my acquaintance +with him, among his penitents had one who, for affairs which befell her +husband, was obliged to quit the country. He himself was accused of the +same things which he had so liberally and unjustly accused me, and even +things much worse, and with more noise and outcry. Though I well knew +all this, God granted me the favor never to make his downfall the +subject of my discourse. On the contrary, when any spoke to me of it, I +pitied him, and said what I could in mitigation of his case. And God +governed my heart so well, that it never offered to go into any vain +joy at seeing him overtaken, and oppressed, with those kind of evils +which he had been so assiduous in endeavoring to bring upon me. Though +I knew that my mother-in-law was informed of it all, I never spoke to +her about it, or about the sad confusions he had caused in a certain +family. + + + + +CHAPTER 26 + + +One day during my husband's lifetime, laden with sorrow, not knowing +what to do, I wished to speak to a person of distinction, and merit, +who came often into the country. I wrote to request an opportunity with +him, for that I wanted his instruction and advice. But soon after I +felt remorse for it; this voice spoke in my heart, "What,--dost thou +seek for ease, and to shake off my yoke?" Hereupon I instantly sent a +note again to desire him to excuse me, adding that what I had written +was only from self-love, not necessity; that as he knew what it was to +be faithful to God, I hoped he would not disapprove my acting with this +Christian simplicity. Yet he resented it, which surprised me much, as I +had conceived a high idea of his virtue. Virtues he had, but such as +are full of the life and activities of nature, and unacquainted with +the paths of mortification and death. + +Thou, O my God, hast been my conductor even in these paths, as with +admiration I have discovered since they are past. Blessed be Thy name +forever. I am obliged to bear this testimony to Thy goodness. + +Before I continue my narration, I must add one remark, which the Lord +gave me to make upon the way by which He, in His goodness, was pleased +to conduct me; which is, that this obscure path is the surest to +mortify the soul, as it leaves it not any prop to lean upon for +support. Though it has no application to any particular state of Jesus +Christ; yet, at its coming out, it finds itself clothed with all His +dispositions. The impure and selfish soul, is hereby purified, as gold +in the furnace. Full of its own judgment and its own will before, but +now obeys like a child and finds no other will in itself. Before, it +would have contested for a trifle; now it yields at once, not with +reluctance and pain by way of practicing virtue, but as it were +naturally. Its own vices are vanished. This creature so vain before now +loves nothing but poverty, littleness and humiliation. Before, it +preferred itself above everybody; now everybody above itself, having a +boundless charity for its neighbor, to bear with his faults and +weaknesses, in order to win him by love, which before it could not do +but with very great constraint. The rage of the wolf is changed to the +meekness of the lamb. + +During all the time of my experiencing my miseries and my deep trials, +I went after no fine sights or recreations. I wanted to see and know +nothing but Jesus Christ. My closet was my only diversion. Even when +the queen was near me, whom I had never seen, and whom I had desire +enough to see; I had only to open my eyes, and look out to see her; yet +did not do it. I had been fond of hearing others sing; yet I was once +four days with one who passed for the finest voice in the world, +without ever desiring her to sing; which surprised her, because she was +not ignorant that, knowing her name, I must know the charming +excellence of her voice. However, I committed some infidelities, in +inquiring what others said of me by way of blame. I met with one who +told me everything. Though I showed nothing of it, it served only to +mortify me. I saw I was yet too much alive to self. + +I shall never be able to express the number of my miseries. They are so +vastly surmounted by the favours of God, and so swallowed up in these +that I can see them no more. One of the things which gave me most pain +in the seven years I have spoken of, especially the last five, was so +strange a folly of my imagination that it gave me no rest. My senses +bore it company. I could no more shut my eyes at church. Thus having +all the gates and avenues open, I was like a vineyard exposed, because +the hedges which the father of the family had planted were torn away. I +saw every one that came and went, and everything that passed in the +church. For the same force, which had drawn me inward to recollection, +seemed to push me outward to dissipation. + +Laden with miseries, weighed down with oppressions, and crushed under +continual crosses, I thought of nothing but ending my days thus. There +remained in me not the least hope of ever emerging. Notwithstanding, I +thought I had lost grace forever, and the salvation which it merits for +us, I longed at least to do what I could for God, though I feared I +should never love Him. Seeing the happy state from whence I had fallen, +I wished in gratitude to serve Him, though I looked on myself as a +victim doomed to destruction. Sometimes the view of that happy period +caused secret desires to spring up in my heart, of recovering it again. +I was instantly rejected and thrown back into the depth of the abyss; I +judged myself to be in a state which was due to unfaithful souls. I +seemed, my God, as if I was forever cast off from Thy regard, and from +that of all creatures. By degrees my state ceased to be painful. I +became even insensible to it, and my insensibility seemed like the +final hardening of my reprobation. My coldness appeared to me a mortal +coldness. It was truly so, O my God, since I thus died to self, in +order to live wholly in Thee, and in thy precious love. + +To resume my history, a servant of mine wanted to become a Barnabite. I +wrote about it to Father de la Mothe. He answered me, that I must +address Father La Combe, who was then the superior of the Barnabites of +Tonon. That obliged me to write to him. I had always preserved secret +respect and esteem for him, as one under grace. I was glad of this +opportunity of recommending myself to his prayers. I wrote to him about +my fall from the grace of God, that I had requited His favors with the +blackest ingratitude; that I was miserable, and a subject worthy of +compassion; and far from having advanced toward God, I was become +entirely alienated from Him. He answered in such a manner, as if he had +known, by a supernatural light, the frightful description I had given +of myself. + +In the midst of my miseries, Geneva came into my mind, a singular +manner, which caused me many fears. "What," said I, "to complete my +reprobation, shall I go to such an excess of impiety, as to quit the +faith through apostacy? (The inhabitants of Geneva being generally +Protestant Calvinists.) Am I then about quitting that church, for which +I would give a thousand lives? Or, shall I ever depart from that faith +which I would even wish to seal with my blood?" I had such a distrust +of myself, that I dared hope for nothing, but had a thousand reasons +for fear. Nevertheless the letter which I had received from Father La +Combe, in which he wrote me an account of his present disposition, +somewhat similar to mine, had such an effect, as to restore peace and +calmness to my mind. I felt myself inwardly united to him, as to a +person of great fidelity to the grace of God. Afterward a woman +appeared to me in a dream to be come down from Heaven, to tell me that +God demanded me at Geneva. + +About eight or ten days before Magdalene's day, 1680, it came into my +mind to write to Father La Combe, and to request him, if he received my +letter before that day, to pray particularly for me. It was so ordered, +contrary even to my expectations, that he received my letter on St. +Magdalene's eve, and when praying for me the next day, it was said to +him, thrice over, with much power, "Ye shall both dwell in one and the +same place." He was very much surprised, as he never had received +interior words before. I believe, O my God, that that has been much +more verified, both in our inward sense and experience, and in the same +crucifying events which have befallen us, pretty much alike; and in +Thyself, who art our dwelling, than in any temporal abode. + + + + +CHAPTER 27 + + +On that happy Magdalene's Day my soul was perfectly delivered from all +its pains. It had already begun since the receipt of the first letter +from Father La Combe, to recover a new life. It was then only like that +of a dead person raised, though not yet unbound from grave clothes. On +this day I was, as it were, in perfect life, and set wholly at liberty. +I found myself as much raised above nature, as before I had been +depressed under its burden. I was inexpressibly overjoyed to find Him, +whom I thought I had lost forever, returned to me again with +unspeakable magnificence and purity. It was then, O God, that I found +again in Thee with new advantages, in an ineffable manner, all I had +been deprived of; the peace I now possessed was all holy, heavenly and +inexpressible. All I had enjoyed before was only a peace, a gift of +God, but now I received and possessed the God of peace. Yet the +remembrance of my past miseries still brought a fear upon me, lest +nature should find means to take to itself any part therein. As soon as +it wanted to see or taste anything, the Spirit ever watchful crossed +and repelled it. I was far from elevating myself, or attributing to +myself anything of this new state. My experience made me sensible of +what I was. + +I hoped I should enjoy this happy state for some time, but little did I +think my happiness so great and immutable as it was. If one may judge +of a good by the trouble which precedes it, I leave mine to be judged +of by the sorrows I had undergone before my attaining it. The apostle +Paul tells us, that "the sufferings of this life are not to be compared +with the glory that is prepared for us." How true is that of this life! +One day of this happiness was worth more than years of suffering. It +was indeed, at that time well worth all I had undergone, though it was +then only dawning. An alacrity for doing good was restored to me, +greater than ever. It seemed to me all quite free and natural to me. At +the beginning, this liberty was less extensive; but as I advanced it +grew greater. I had occasion to see Mon. Bertot for a few moments, and +told him, I thought my state much changed. He, seemingly attentive to +something else, answered, "No." I believed him; because grace taught me +to prefer the judgment of others, and rather believe them than my own +opinions or experience. This did not give me any kind of trouble. Every +state seemed equally indifferent if I only had the favor of God. I felt +a kind of beatitude every day increasing in me. I did all sorts of +good, without selfishness or premeditation. Whenever a self-reflective +thought was presented to my mind, it was instantly rejected, and as it +were a curtain in the soul drawn before it. My imagination was kept so +fixed, that I had now very little trouble on that. I wondered at the +clearness of my mind and the purity of my whole heart. + +I received a letter from Father La Combe, wherein he wrote that God had +discovered to him that he had great designs in regard to me. "Let them +be," then said I to myself, "either of justice or mercy, all is equal +to me." I still had Geneva deeply at heart; but said nothing of it to +anybody, waiting for God to make known to me His all powerful will and +fearing lest any stratagem of the Devil should be concealed therein, +that might tend to draw me out of my proper place, or steal me out of +my condition. The more I saw my own misery, incapacity and nothingness, +the plainer it appeared that they rendered me fitter for the designs of +God, whatever they might be. "Oh, my Lord," said I, "take the weak and +the wretched to do thy works, that Thou mayest have all the glory and +that man may attribute nothing of them to himself. If Thou shouldst +take a person of eminence and great talents, one might attribute to him +something; but if Thou takest me, it will be manifest that thou alone +art the Author of whatever good shall be done." I continued quiet in my +spirit, leaving the whole affair to God, being satisfied, if He should +require anything of me, that He would furnish me with the means of +performing it. I held myself in readiness with a full resolution to +execute His orders, whenever he should make them known, though it were +to the laying down of my life. I was released from all crosses. I +resumed my care of the sick, and dressing of wounds, and God gave me to +cure the most desperate. When surgeons could do no more, it was then +that God made me cure them. + +Oh, the joy that accompanied me everywhere, finding still Him who had +united me to Himself, in His own immensity and boundless vastitude! Oh, +how truly did I experience what He said in the Gospel, by the four +evangelists, and by one of them twice over, "Whosoever will lose his +life for my sake shall find it; and whosoever will save his life shall +lose it." + +When I had lost all created supports, and even divine ones, I then +found myself happily compelled to fall into the pure divine, and to +fall into it through all those very things which seemed to remove me +further from it. In losing all the gifts, with all their supports, I +found the Giver. In losing the sense and perception of Thee in +myself--I found Thee, O my God, to lose Thee no more in Thyself, in Thy +own immutability. Oh, poor creatures, who pass all your time in feeding +upon the gifts of God, and think therein to be the most favored and +happy. How I pity you if you stop here, short of the true rest, and +cease to go forward to God Himself, through the loss of those cherished +gifts which you now delight in! How many pass all their lives in this +way, and think highly of themselves! There are others who, being called +of God to die to themselves, yet pass all their time in a dying life, +in inward agonies, without ever entering into God through death and a +total loss of self, because they are always willing to retain something +under plausible pretexts, and so never lose themselves to the whole +extent of the designs of God. They never enjoy God in all His fullness; +which is a loss that cannot be perfectly known in this life. + +Oh, my Lord, what happiness did I not largely taste in my solitude, and +with my little family, where nothing interrupted my tranquillity! As I +was in the country, the slender age of my children did not require my +application too much, they being in good hands, I retired a great part +of the day into a wood. I passed as many days of happiness as I had had +months of sorrow. Thou, O my God, dealt by me as by thy servant Job, +rendering me double for all thou hadst taken, and delivering me from +all my crosses. Thou gavest me a marvelous facility to satisfy +everyone. What was surprising now was that my mother-in-law, who had +ever been complaining of me, without my doing anything more than usual +to please her, declared that none could be better satisfied with me +than she was. Such as before had cried me down the most, now testified +their sorrow for it and became full of my praises. My reputation was +established with much more advantage, in proportion as it had appeared +to be lost. I remained in an entire peace, as well without as within. +It seemed to me that my soul was become like New Jerusalem, spoken of +in the Apocalypse, prepared as a bride for her husband and where there +is no more sorrow, or sighing. I had a perfect indifference to +everything that is here, a union so great with the will of God, that my +own will seemed entirely lost. My soul could not incline itself on one +side or the other, since another will had taken the place of its own, +but only nourished itself with the daily providences of God. It now +found a will all divine, yet was so natural and easy that it found +itself infinitely more free than ever it had been in its own. + +These dispositions have still subsisted, and still grown stronger, and +more perfect even to this hour. I could neither desire one thing nor +another, but was content with whatever fell. If any in the house asked +me, "Will you have this, or that?" then I was surprised to find that +there was nothing left in me which could desire or choose. I was as if +everything, of smaller matters, quite disappeared, a higher power +having taken up and filled all their place. I even perceived no more +that soul which He had formerly conducted by His crook and His staff, +because now He alone appeared to me, my soul having given up its place +to Him. It seemed to me, as if it was wholly and altogether passed into +its God, to make but one and the same thing with Him; even as a little +drop of water, cast into the sea, receives the qualities of the sea. +Oh, union of unity, demanded of God by Jesus Chirst for men and merited +by him! How strong is this in a soul that is become lost in its God! +After the consummation of this divine unity, the soul remains hid with +Christ in God. This happy loss is not like those transient ones which +ecstacy operates, which are rather an absorption than union because the +soul afterwards finds itself again with all its own dispositions. Here +she feels that prayer fulfilled--John 17:21: "That they all may be one +as thou Father art in me, and I in thee; that they also may be one in +us." + + + + +CHAPTER 28 + + +I was obliged to go to Paris about some business. Having entered into a +church, that was very dark, I went up to the first confessor I found, +whom I did not know, nor have ever seen since. I made a simple and +short confession; but to the confessor himself I said not a word. He +surprised me saying, "I know not who you are whether maid, wife or +widow; but I feel a strong inward motion to exhort you to do what the +Lord has made known to you, that he requires of you. I have nothing +else to say." I answered him, "Father, I am a widow who have little +children. What else could God require of me, but to take due care of +them in their education?" He replied, "I know nothing about this. You +know if God manifests to you that He requires something of you; there +is nothing in the world which ought to hinder you from doing His will. +One may have to leave one's children to do that." This surprised me +much. However, I told him nothing of what I felt about Geneva. I +disposed myself submissively to quit everything, if the Lord required +it of me. I did not look upon it as a good I aspired to, or a virtue I +hoped to acquire, or as anything extraordinary, or as an act that would +merit some return on God's part; but only gave myself up to be led in +the way of my duty, whatever it might be, feeling no distinction +between my own will and the will of God in me. + +In this disposition, I lived with my family in the greatest +tranquility, until one of my friends had a great desire to go on a +mission to Siam. He lived twenty leagues from my house. As he was ready +to make a vow to this purpose, he found himself stopped, with an +impulse to come and speak to me. He came immediately, and as he had +some reluctance to declare his mind to me, he went to read prayers in +my chapel, hoping God would be satisfied with his making the vow. As he +was performing divine service in my hearing, he was stopped again. He +left the chapel to come and speak to me. He then told me his intention. + +Though I had no thought of saying anything positive to him, I felt an +impression in my soul to relate to him my case, and the idea I had for +a long time past for Geneva. I told him a dream I had, which appeared +to me supernatural. When I had done, I felt a strong impulse to say to +him, "You must go to Siam, and you must also serve me in this affair. +It is for that end God has sent you hither; I desire you to give me +your advice." After three days, having considered the matter, and +consulted the Lord in it, he told me that he believed I was to go +thither; but to be the better assured of it, it would be needful to see +the Bishop of Geneva. If he approved of my design, it would be a sign +that it was from the Lord; if not, I must drop it. I agreed with his +sentiment. He then offered to go to Annecy, to speak to the Bishop, and +to bring me a faithful account. As he was advanced in years, we were +deliberating in what way he could take so long a journey, when there +came two travelers, who told us the Bishop was at Paris. This I looked +on as an extraordinary providence. He advised me to write to Father La +Combe, and recommend the affair to his prayers, as he was in that +country. He then spoke to the Bishop at Paris. I, having occasion to go +thither, spoke to him also. + +I told him, that "my design was to go into the country, to employ there +my substance, to erect an establishment for all such as should be +willing truly to serve God, and to give themselves unto him without +reserve; and that many of the servants of the Lord had encouraged me +thereto." The bishop approved of the design. He said, "there were New +Catholics going to establish themselves at Gex, near Geneva, and that +it was a providential thing." I answered him, "that I had no vocation +for Gex, but for Geneva." He said, "I might go from hence to that +city." + +I thought this was a way which divine Providence had opened, for my +taking this journey with the less difficulty. As I yet knew nothing +positive of what the Lord would acquire at my hand, I was not willing +to oppose anything. "Who knows," said I, "but the will of the Lord is +only that I should contribute to this establishment?" + +I went to see the prioress of the New Catholics at Paris. She seemed +much rejoiced, and assured me she would gladly join me. As she is a +great servant of God, this confirmed me. When I could reflect a little, +which was but seldom, I thought God would make choice of her for her +virtue, and me for my worldly substance. When I inadvertently looked at +myself, I could not think God would make use of me; but when I saw the +things in God, then I perceived that the more I was nothing, the fitter +I was for His designs. As I saw nothing in myself extraordinary, and +looked on myself as being in the lowest stage of perfection, and +imagined that an extraordinary degree of inspiration was necessary for +extraordinary designs, this made me hesitate, and fear deception. It +was not that I was in fear of anything, as to my perfection and +salvation which I had referred to God; but I was afraid of not doing +His will by being too ardent and hasty in doing it. I went to consult +Father Claude Martin. At that time he gave me no decisive answer, +demanding time to pray about it; saying he would write to me what +should appear to him to be the will of God concerning me. + +I found it hard to get to speak to M. Bertot, both on account of his +being difficult of access, and of my knowing how he condemned things +extraordinary, or out of the common road. Being my director, I +submitted, against my own views or judgment, to what he said, laying +down all my own experiences when duty required me to believe and obey. +I thought, however, than in an affair of this importance, I ought to +address myself to him, and prefer his sense of the matter to that of +every one beside. Persuaded, he would infallibly tell me the will of +God. I went to him then, and he told me that my design was of God, and +that he had had a sense given him of God for some time past, that he +required something of me. I therefore returned home to set everything +in order. I loved my children much, having great satisfaction in being +with them, but resigned all to God to follow His will. + +On my return from Paris, I left myself in the hands of God, resolved +not to take any step, either to make the thing succeed or to hinder it, +either to advance or retard it, but singly to move as He should be +pleased to direct me. I had mysterious dreams, which portended nothing +but crosses, persecutions and afflictions. My heart submitted to +whatever it should please God to ordain. I had one which was very +significant. + +Being employed in some necessary work, I saw near me a little animal +which appeared to be dead. This animal I took to be the envy of some +persons, which seemed to have been dead for some time. I took it up, +and as I saw it strove hard to bite me, and that it magnified to the +eye, I cast it away. I found thereupon that it filled my fingers with +sharp-pointed prickles like needles. I came to one of my acquaintance +to get him to take them out; but he pushed them deeper in, and left me +so, till a charitable priest of great merit, (whose countenance is +still present with me, though I have not yet seen him, but believe I +shall before I die) took this animal up with a pair of pincers. As soon +as he held it fast, those sharp prickles fell off, of themselves. I +found that I easily entered into a place, which before had seemed +inaccessible. And although the mire was up to my girdle, in my way to a +deserted church, I went over it without getting any dirt. It will be +easy to see in the sequel what this signified. + +Doubtless you will wonder that I, who makes so little account of things +extraordinary, relate dreams. I do it for two reasons; first out of +fidelity, having promised to omit nothing of what should come to my +mind; secondly, because it is the method God makes use of to +communicate Himself to faithful souls, to give them foretokens of +things to come, which concern them. Thus mysterious dreams are found in +many places of the holy Scriptures. They have singular properties, as-- + +1. To leave a certainty that they are mysterious, and will have their +effect in their season. + +2. To be hardly ever effaced out of the memory, though one forgets all +others. + +3. To redouble the certainty of their truth every time one thinks of +them. + +4. They generally leave a certain unction, a divine sense or savor at +one's waking. + +I received letters from sundry religious persons, some of whom lived +far from me, and from one another, relating to my going forth in the +service of God, and some of them to Geneva in particular, in such a +manner as surprised me. One of them intimated that I must there bear +the cross and be persecuted; and another of them that I should be eyes +to the blind, feet to the lame, and arms to the maimed. + +The ecclesiastic, or chaplain, of our house was much afraid lest I was +under a delusion. What at that time greatly confirmed me was Father +Claude Martin, whom I mentioned above, wrote to me that, after many +prayers, the Lord had given him to know that He required me at Geneva, +and to make a free sacrifice of everything to Him. I answered him, +"that perhaps the Lord required of me nothing more than a sum of money +to assist in founding an institution which was going to be established +there." He replied, that the Lord had made him know that He wanted not +my worldly substance but myself. At the very same time with this letter +I received one from Father La Combe, who wrote to me that the Lord had +given him a certainty, as he had done to several of his good and +faithful servants and handmaids, that he wanted me at Geneva. The +writers of these two letters lived above a hundred and fifty leagues +from each other; yet both wrote the same thing. I could not but be +somewhat surprised to receive at the same time two letters exactly +alike, from two persons living so far distant from each other. + +As soon as I became fully convinced of its being the will of the Lord, +and saw nothing on earth capable of detaining me, my senses had some +pain about leaving my children. And upon reflecting thereon a doubt +seized my mind. O my Lord! Had I rested on myself, or on the creatures, +I would have revolted; "leaned on a broken reed, which would have +pierced my hand." But relying on Thee alone, what needed I to fear? I +resolved then to go, regardless of the censures of such as understand +not what it is to be a servant of the Lord, and to receive and obey His +orders. I firmly believe that He, by His Providence, would furnish the +means necessary for the education of my children. I put everything by +degrees in order, the Lord alone being my guide. + + + + +CHAPTER 29 + + +While providence, on the one hand, appointed my forsaking all things, +it seemed on the other to make my chains the stronger, and my +separation the more blameable. None could receive stronger marks of +affection from one's own mother than those which I received at this +time from my mother-in-law. Even the least sickness which befell me +made her very uneasy. She said, "she had veneration for my virtue." I +believe what contributed not a little to this change was, that she had +heard that three persons had offered suit to me, and that I had refused +them, although their fortune and quality were quite superior to mine. +She remembered how she had upbraided me on this head, and I answered +her not a word, whereby she might understand that it depended on myself +to marry to advantage. She began to fear lest such rigorous treatment, +as hers had been toward me, might excite me to deliver myself by such +means, with honor, from her tyranny, and was sensible what damage that +might be to my children. So she was now very tender to me on every +occasion. + +I fell extremely ill. I thought that God had accepted of my willingness +to sacrifice all to him, and required that of my life. During this +illness, my mother-in-law went not from my bedside; her many tears +proved the sincerity of her affection. I was very much affected at it, +and thought I loved her as my true mother. How, then, should I leave +her now, being so far advanced in age? The maid, who till then had been +my plague, took an inconceivable friendship for me. She praised me +everywhere, extolling my virtue to the highest and served me with +extraordinary respect. She begged pardon for all that she had made me +suffer, and died of grief after my departure. + +There was a priest of merit, a spiritual man, who had fallen in with +temptation of taking upon him employment which I was sensible God did +not call him to do. Fearing it might be a snare to him, I advised him +against it. He promised me he would not do it, and yet accepted it. He +then avoided me, joined in calumniating me, gradually fell away from +grace, and died soon after. + +There was a nun in a monastery I often went to, who was entered into a +state of purification, which everyone in the house looked on as +distraction. They locked her up and all who went to see her called it +phrenzy or melancholy. I knew her to be devout I requested to see her. +As soon as I approached, I felt an impression that she sought purity. I +desired of the Superior that she should not be locked up, nor should +people be admitted to see her, but that she would confide her to my +care. I hoped things would change. I discovered that her greatest pain +was at being counted a fool. I advised her to bear the state of +foolishness, since Jesus Christ had been willing to bear it before +Herod. This sacrifice gave her a calmness at once. But as God was +willing to purify her soul, He separated her from all those things for +which she had before the greatest attachment. At last, after she had +patiently undergone her sufferings, her Superior wrote to me that "I +was in the right, and that she had now come out of that state of +dejection, in greater purity than ever." The Lord gave to me alone at +that time to know her state. This was the commencement of the gift of +discerning spirits, which I afterward received more fully. + +The winter before I left home was one of the longest and hardest that +had been for several years (1680). It was followed with extreme +scarcity, which proved to me an occasion of exercising charity. My +mother-in-law joined me heartily and appeared to me so much changed. I +could not but be both surprised and overjoyed at it. We distributed at +the house ninety-six dozen loaves of bread every week, but private +charities to the bashful poor were much greater. I kept poor boys and +girls employed. The Lord gave such blessings to my alms, that I did not +find that my family lost anything by it. Before the death of my +husband, my mother-in-law told him that I would ruin him with my +charities, though he himself was so charitable, that in a very dear +year, while he was young, he distributed a considerable sum. She +repeated this to him so often, that he commanded me to set down in +writing all the money I laid out, both what I gave for the expense of +the house, and all that I caused to be bought, that he might better +judge of what I gave to the poor. This new obligation, which I was +brought under, appeared to me so much the harder, as for above eleven +years we had been married I never before had this required of me. What +troubled me most was the fear of having nothing to give to such as +wanted. However, I submitted to it, without retrenching any part of my +charities. I did not indeed set down any of my alms, and yet my account +of expenses was found to answer exactly. I was much surprised and +astonished, and esteemed it one of the wonders of Providence. I saw +plainly it was simply given out of Thy treasury, O my Lord, that made +me more liberal of what I thought was the Lord's, and not mine. Oh, if +we but knew how far charity, instead of wasting or lessening the +substance of the donor, blessed, increased and multiplied it profusely. +How much is there in the world of useless dissipation, which, if +properly applied, might amply serve for the subsistence of the poor, +and would abundantly be restored, and amply rewarded to the families of +those who gave it. + +In the time of my greatest trials, some years after my husband's death +(for they began three years before my widowhood, and lasted four years +after) my footman came one day to tell me, (I was then in the country) +that there was in the road a poor soldier dying. I had him brought in, +and ordering a separate place to be made ready for him, I kept above a +fortnight. His malady was a flux, which he had taken in the army. It +was so nauseous, that though the domestics were charitably inclined, +nobody could bear to come near him. I went myself to take away his +vessels. But I never did anything of the kind which was so hard. I +frequently made efforts for a full quarter of an hour at a time. It +seemed as if my very heart was going to come up; yet I never desisted. +I sometimes kept the poor people at my house to dress their putrid +sores; but never met with anything so terrible as this. The poor man, +after I had made him receive the sacrament, died. + +What gave me now no small concern was the tenderness I had for my +children, especially my younger son, whom I had strong reasons for +loving. I saw him inclined to be good; everything seemed to favor the +hopes I had conceived of him. I thought it running a great risk to +leave him to another's education. My daughter I designed to take with +me, though she was at this time ill of a very tedious fever. Providence +was pleased, however, so to order it that she speedily recovered. The +ties, with which the Lord held me closely united to Himself, were +infinitely stronger than those of flesh and blood. The laws of my +sacred marriage obliged me to give up all, to follow my spouse +whithersoever it was His pleasure to call me after Him. Though I often +hesitated, and doubted much before I went, I never doubted after my +going of its being His will; and though men, who judge of things only +according to the success they seem to have, have taken occasion from my +disgraces and sufferings, to judge of my calling, and to run it down as +error, illusion and imagination; it is that very persecution, and a +multitude of strange crosses it has drawn upon me, (of which this +imprisonment I now suffer is one,) which have confirmed me in the +certainty of its truth and validity. I am more than ever convinced that +the resignation which I have made of everything is in pure obedience to +the divine will. + +The gospel effectually in this point shows itself to be true, which has +promised to those that shall leave all for the love of the Lord, "an +hundred fold in this life, and persecutions also." And have not I +infinitely more than an hundred fold, in so entire a possession as my +Lord hast taken of me; in that unshaken firmness which is given me in +my sufferings, in a perfect tranquillity in the midst of a furious +tempest, which assaults me on every side; in an unspeakable joy, +enlargedness and liberty which I enjoy in a most straight and rigorous +captivity. I have no desire that my imprisonment should end before the +right time. I love my chains. Everything is equal to me, as I have no +will of my own, but purely the love and will of Him who possesses me. +My senses indeed have not any relish for such things, but my heart is +separated from them. My perseverance is not of myself, but of Him who +is my life; so that I can say with the apostle, "It is no more I that +live, but Jesus Christ that liveth in me." It is He in whom I live, +move, and have my being. + +To return to the subject, I say that I was not so reluctant to go with +the New Catholics, as I was to engage with them, not finding a +sufficient attraction, though I sought for it. I longed indeed to +contribute to the conversion of wandering souls, and God made use of me +to convert several families before my departure, one of which was +composed of eleven or twelve persons. Besides, Father La Combe had +written to me, to make use of this opportunity for setting off, but did +not tell me whether I ought to engage with them or not. Thus it was the +Providence of my God alone, which ordered everything, to which I was +resigned without any reserve; and that hindered me from engaging with +them. + +One day reflecting humanly on this undertaking of mine, I found my +faith staggering, weakened with a fear lest I were under a mistake, +which slavish fear was increased by an ecclesiastic at our house, who +told me it was a rash and ill-advised design. Being a little +discouraged, I opened the Bible, and met with this passage in Isaiah, +"Fear not thou worm Jacob, and ye men of Israel. I will help thee saith +the Lord, and thy Redeemer, the holy one of Israel." (Chap. 61:14) and +near it, "Fear not; for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy +name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be +with thee." + +I had a very great courage given me for going, but could not persuade +myself that it would be best to settle with the New Catholics. It was, +however, necessary to see Sister Garnier, their superior at Paris, in +order to take our measures together. But I could not go to Paris, +because that journey would have hindered me from taking another, which +I had to take. She then, though much indisposed, resolved to come and +see me. In what a wonderful manner, O my God, didst Thou conduct things +by Thy Providence, to make everything come to the point of Thy will! +Every day I saw new miracles, which both amazed and still more +confirmed me; for with a paternal goodness Thou tookest care of even +the smallest things. As she intended setting off, she fell sick. And +Thou permitted it to fall out so, to give room thereby for a person, +who would have discovered everything, in the meantime to take a journey +to see me. As this person had given me notice of the day she intended +to set off, seeing that day was excessively hot, and so sultry that I +imagined that being taken so much tender care of as she was at home, +they would not suffer her to begin her journey, (which really proved to +be the case, as she afterward told me,) I prayed to the Lord to be +pleased to grant a wind to rise, to moderate the violent heat. Scarce +had I prayed, but there arose suddenly so refreshing a wind, that I was +surprised and the wind did not cease during her whole journey. + +I went to meet her, and brought her to my countryhouse, in such a way +that she was not seen or known of anybody. What embarrassed me a little +was, that two of my domestics knew her. But as I was then endeavoring +the conversion of a lady, they thought that it was on this account I +had sent for her, and that it was necessary to keep it secret, that the +other lady might not be discouraged from coming. Though I knew nothing +of controversial points, yet God so furnished me that I did not fail to +answer all her objections, and resolve all her doubts, to such a +degree, that she could not but give herself up entirely to God. Though +Sister Garnier had a good share of both of grace and natural +understanding, yet her words had not such an effect on this soul as +those with which God furnished me, as she assured me herself. She even +could not forbear speaking of it. I felt a movement to beg her of God, +as a testimony of His holy will concerning me. But He was pleased not +to grant it then, being willing that I should go off alone without any +other assurance than His divine Providence was conducting all things. +Sister Garnier did not declare her thoughts to me for four days. Then +she told me she would not go with me. At this I was the more surprised, +as I had persuaded myself that God would grant to her virtue what He +might refuse to my demerits. Besides, the reason she gave appeared to +me to be merely human, and void of supernatural grace. That made me +hesitate a little; then, taking new courage, through the resignation of +my whole self, I said, "As I go not thither for your sake, I will not +fail to go even without you." This surprised her, as she acknowledged +to me; for she thought that, on her refusal, I would decline my purpose +of going. + +I regulated everything, wrote down the contract of association with +them as I thought proper. No sooner had I done it, but I felt great +perturbation and trouble of mind. I told her my pain, and that I had no +doubt but the Lord demanded me at Geneva, yet did not let me see that +He would have me to be of their congregation. She desired to have some +time till after prayers and communion, and that then she would tell me +what she thought the Lord required of me. Accordingly, He directed her +contrary both to her interests and inclination. She then told me that I +ought not to connect myself with her, that it was not the Lord's +design; that I only ought to go with her sister's, and that when I +should be there, Father La Combe, (whose letter she had seen) would +signify to me the divine will. I entered at once into these sentiments, +and my soul then regained the sweets of inward peace. + +My first thought had been (before I heard of the New Catholics going to +Gex) to go directly to Geneva. At this time there were Catholics there +in service, and otherwise; to take some little room without any noise, +and without declaring myself at first; and as I knew how to make up all +sorts of ointments to heal wounds and especially the king's evil, of +which there is abundance in that place, and for which I had a most +certain cure. I hoped easily to insinuate myself by this way and with +the charities which I should have done to have won over many of the +people. I have no doubt but, if I had followed this impulse, things +would have succeeded better. But I thought I ought to follow the +sentiments of the Bishop rather than my own. What am I saying? Has not +Thy eternal Word, O my Lord, had its effect and accomplishment in me? +Man speaks as man; but when we behold things in the Lord, we see them +in another light. Yes, my Lord, Thy design was to give Geneva not to my +cares, words or works, but to my sufferings; for the more I see things +appear hopeless, the more do I hope for the conversion of that city by +a way known to Thee only. + +Father La Combe has told me since, that he had a strong impulse to +write to me, not to engage with the New Catholics. He believed it not +to be the will of the Lord concerning me; but he omitted doing it. As +to my director, M. Bertot, he died four months before my departure. I +had some intimations of his death, and it seemed as if he bequeathed me +a portion of his spirit to help his children. + +I was seized with a fear, that the check I had felt, at giving so +largely in favor of the New Catholics, what I had designed for Geneva, +was a stratagem of nature, which does not love to be stripped. I wrote +to Sister Garnier to get a contract drawn up according to my first +memorial. God permitted me to commit this fault, to make me the more +sensible of His protection over me. + + + + +PART TWO + + + + +CHAPTER 1 + + +I went off, in a strange renunciation, and in great simplicity, +scarcely able to render the reason why I should in such a manner quit +my family, which I most tenderly love, being without any positive +assurance, yet hoping even against hope itself. I went to the New +Catholics at Paris, where Providence wrought wonders to conceal me. +They sent for the notary, who had drawn up the contract of engagement. +When he read it to me, I felt such a repugnance to it, that I could not +bear to hear it to the end, much less sign it. The notary wondered and +much more so when Sister Garnier came in, and told him, that there +needed no contract of engagement. I was enabled through divine +assistance, to put my affairs in very good order, and to write sundry +letters by the inspiration of the Spirit of God, and not by my own. +This was what I had never experienced before. It was given me at that +time only as a beginning, and has since been granted me much more +perfectly. + +I had two domestics, whom it was very difficult for me to discharge, as +I did not think to take them with me. If I had left them, they would +have told of my departure; and I should have been sent after. I was +when it became known. But God so ordered it that they were willing to +follow me. They were of no use to me, and soon after turned into +France. I took with me only my daughter, and two maids to serve us +both. We set off in a boat upon the river, though I had taken places in +the stage-coach, in order that, if they searched for me in the coach, +they might not find me. I went to Melun to wait for it there. + +It was surprising that in this boat the child could not forbear making +crosses, employing a person to cut rushes for her to use for that +purpose. She then put around, and all over me, above three hundred of +them. I let her do it, and inwardly apprehended that it was not without +its meaning. I felt an interior certainty that I was going to meet with +crosses in abundance and that this child was sowing the cross for me to +reap it. Sister Garnier, who saw that they could not restrain her from +covering me with crosses, said to me, "What that child does appears to +be significant." Turning to the little girl, she said, "Give me some +crosses, too, my pretty pet." "No," she replied, "they are all for my +dear mother." Soon she gave her one to stop her importunity, then +continued putting more on me; after which she desired some +river-flowers, which floated on the water, to be given her. Braiding a +garland she put it on my head, and said to me, "After the cross you +shall be crowned." I admired all this in silence, and offered myself up +to the pure love of God, as a victim, free and willing to be sacrificed +to Him. + +Some time before my departure, a particular friend, a true servant of +God, related to me a vision she had respecting me. "She saw my heart +surrounded with thorns; that our Lord appeared in it well pleased; +that, though the thorns seemed likely to tear it, yet, instead of doing +that, they only rendered it fairer, and our Lord's approbation the +stronger." + +At Corbeil, (a little town on the river Seine, sixteen miles south of +Paris,) I met with the priest whom God had first made use of so +powerfully to draw me to His love. He approved of my design to leave +all for the Lord; but he thought I should not be well suited with the +New Catholics. He told me some things about them, to show that our +leadings were incompatible. He cautioned me not to let them know that I +walked in the inward path. If I did, I must expect nothing but +persecution from them. But it is in vain to contrive to hide, when God +sees it best for us to suffer, and when our wills are utterly resigned +to Him, and totally passed into His. + +While at Paris I gave the New Catholics all the money I had. I reserved +not to myself a single penny, rejoicing to be poor after the example of +Jesus Christ. I brought from home nine thousand livres. As by my +donation I had reserved nothing to myself and by a contract lent them +six thousand; this six thousand has returned to my children but none of +it to me. That gives me no trouble; poverty, thus procured, constitutes +my riches. The rest I gave entirely to the sisters that were with us, +as well to supply their traveling expenses, for the purchase of +furniture. I did not reserve so much as my linen for my own use, +putting it in the common fund. I had neither a locked coffer, nor +purse. I had brought but little linen for fear of mistrust. In wanting +to carry off clothes I should have been discovered. My persecutors did +not fail to report that I had brought great sums from home, which I had +imprudently expended, and given to the friends of Father La Combe. +False as I had not a penny. On my arrival at Annecy a poor man was +asking alms. I, having nothing else, gave him the buttons from my +sleeves. At another time I gave a poor man a little plain ring, in the +name of Jesus Christ. I had worn it as a token of marriage with Him. + +We joined the flying stage at Melun where I left Sister Garnier. I went +on with the other sisters with whom I had no acquaintance. The +carriages were very fatiguing; I got no sleep through so long a +journey. My daughter, a very tender child, only five years of age, got +scarcely any. We bore great fatigue without falling sick by the way. My +child had not an hour's uneasiness, although she was only three hours +in bed every night. At another time half this fatigue, or even the want +of rest, would have thrown me into a fit of sickness. God only knows +both the sacrifices which He induced me to make, and the joy of my +heart in offering up everything to Him. Had I kingdoms and empires, I +think I would yield them up with still more joy, to give Him the higher +marks of my love. + +As soon as we arrived at the inn, I went to church and stayed there +till dinner time. In the coach, my divine Lord communed with me, and in +me, in a manner which the others could not comprehend, indeed not +perceive. The cheerfulness I showed in the greatest dangers encouraged +them. I even sang hymns of joy at finding myself disengaged from the +riches, honors and entanglements of the world. God in such a manner +protected us. He seemed to be to us "a pillar of fire by night, and a +pillar of a cloud by day." We passed over a very dangerous spot between +Lyons and Chamberry. Our carriage broke as we were coming out of it. +Had it happened a little sooner, we would have perished. + +We arrived at Annecy on Magdalene's eve, 1681. On Magdalene's day the +Bishop of Geneva performed divine service for us, at the tomb of St. +Francis de Sales. There I renewed my spiritual marriage with my +Redeemer, as I did every year on this day. There also I felt a sweet +remembrance of that saint, with whom our Lord gives me a singular +union. I say union, for it appears to me that the soul in God is united +with saints, the more so in proportion as they are conformable to Him. +It is a union which it pleases God sometimes to revive after death, and +awaken in the soul for His own glory. At such times departed saints are +rendered more intimately present to that soul in God; and this revival +is as it were an holy intercourse of friend with friend, in Him who +unites them all in one immortal tie. + +That day we left Annecy, and on the next went to prayers at Geneva. I +had much joy at the communion. It seemed to me as if God more +powerfully united me to Himself. There I prayed to Him for the +conversion of that great people. That evening we arrived late at Gex, +where we found only bare walls. The Bishop of Geneva had assured me +that the house was furnished; undoubtedly he believed it to be. We +lodged at the house of the sisters of charity, who were so kind as to +give us their beds. + +I was in great pain of mind for my daughter, who visibly lost weight. I +had a strong desire to place her with the Ursulines at Tonon. My heart +was so affected on her behalf, that I could not forbear weeping in +secret for her. Next day I said, "I would take my daughter to Tonon, +and leave her there, till I should see how we might be accommodated." +They opposed it strongly, after a manner which seemed very hard-hearted +as well as ungrateful, seeing she was a skeleton. I looked upon the +child as a victim whom I had imprudently sacrificed. I wrote to Father +La Combe, entreating him to come and see me, to consult together about +it. I thought I could not in conscience keep her in this place any +longer. Several days passed without my having any answer. In the +meantime I became resigned to the will of God, whether to have succor +or not. + + + + +CHAPTER 2 + + +Our Lord took pity on the lamentable condition of my daughter, and so +ordered it, that the Bishop of Geneva wrote to Father La Combe, to come +as speedily as possible to see us, and to console us. As soon as I saw +that father, I was surprised to feel an interior grace, which I may +call communication; such as I had never had before with any person. It +seemed to me that an influence of grace came from him to me, through +the innermost of the soul; returned from me to him, in such a way that +he felt the same effect. Like a tide of grace it caused a flux and +reflux, flowing on into the divine and invisible ocean. This is a pure +and holy union, which God alone operates, and which has still +subsisted, and even increased. It is an union exempt from all weakness, +and from all self-interest. It causes those who are blessed with it to +rejoice in beholding themselves, as well as those beloved, laden with +crosses and afflictions--an union which has no need of the presence of +the body. At certain times absence makes not more absent, nor presence +more present; a union unknown to men, but such as are come to +experience it. It can never be experienced but between such souls as +are united to God. As I never before felt a union of this sort with any +one, it then appeared to me quite new. I had no doubt of its being from +God; so far from turning the mind from Him, it tended to draw it more +deeply into Him. It dissipated all my pains, and established me in the +most profound peace. + +God gave him at first much openness of mind toward me. He related to me +the mercies God had shown him, and several extraordinary things, which +gave me at first some fear. I suspected some illusion, especially in +such things as flatter in regard to the future; little imagining that +God would make use of me to draw him from this state and bring him into +that naked faith. But the grace, which flowed from Him into my soul, +recovered me from that fear. I saw that it was joined with +extraordinary humility. Far from being elevated with the gifts which +God had liberally conferred upon him, or with his own profound +learning, no person could have a lower opinion of himself than he had. +He told me as to my daughter, it would be best for me to take her to +Tonon, where he thought she would be very well situated. As to myself, +after I had mentioned to him my dislike to the manner of life of the +New Catholics, he told me, that he did not think it would be my proper +place to be long with them. It would be best for me to stay there, free +from all engagements, till God, by the guidance of His Providence, +should make known to me how he would dispose of me, and draw my mind to +the place whither he would have me remove. I had already begun to awake +regularly at midnight, in order to pray. I awoke with these words +suddenly put in my mind, "It is written of me, I will do thy will, O my +God." This was accompanied with the most pure, penetrating, and +powerful communication of grace that I had ever experienced. Though the +state of my soul was already permanent in newness of life; yet this new +life was not in that immutability in which it has been since. It was a +beginning life and a rising day, which goes on increasing unto the full +meridian; a day never followed by night; a life which fears death no +more, not even in death itself; because he who has suffered the first +death, shall no more be hurt of the second. From midnight I continued +on my knees, till four o'clock in the morning, in prayer, in a sweet +intercourse with God, and did the same also the night following. + +The next day, after prayers, Father La Combe told me, that he had a +very great certainty, that I was a stone which God designed for the +foundation of some great building. What that building was he knew no +more than I. After whatever manner then it is to be, whether His divine +Majesty will make use of me in this life, for some design known to +himself only, or will make me one of the stones of the new and heavenly +Jerusalem, it seems to me that such stone cannot be polished, but by +the strokes of the hammer. Our Lord has given to this soul of mine the +qualities of the stone, firmness, resignation, insensibility, and power +to endure hardness under the operations of His hand. + +I carried my little daughter to the Ursulines at Tonon. That child took +a great fondness for Father La Combe, saying, "He is a good father, one +from God." Here I found a hermit, whom they called Anselm. He was a +person of the most extraordinary sanctity that had appeared for some +time. He was from Geneva; God had miraculously drawn him from thence, +at twelve years of age. He had at nineteen years of age taken the habit +of hermit of St. Augustine. He and another lived alone in a little +hermitage, where they saw nobody but such as came to visit their +chapel. He had lived twelve years in this hut, never eating anything +but pulse with salt, and sometimes oil. Three times a week he lived on +bread and water. He never drank wine, and generally took but one meal +in twenty-four hours. He wore for a shirt a coarse hair cloth, and +lodged on the bare ground. He lived in a continual state of prayer, and +in the greatest humility. God had done by him many signal miracles. + +This good hermit had a great sense of the designs of God on Father La +Combe and me. But God showed him at the same time that strange crosses +were preparing for us both; that we were both destined for the aid of +souls. I did not find, as I expected, any suitable place for my +daughter at Tonon. I thought myself like Abraham, when going to +sacrifice his son. Father La Combe said, "Welcome, daughter of +Abraham!" I found little encouragement to leave her and could not keep +her with myself, because we had no room. The little girls, whom they +took to make Catholics, were all mixed and had contracted habits as +were pernicious. To leave her there I thought not right. The language +of the country, where scarce anyone understood French, and the food, +which she could not take, being far different from ours, were great +hardships. All my tenderness for her was awakened, and I looked on +myself as her destroyer. I experienced what Hagar suffered when she put +away her son Ishmael in the desert that she might not be forced to see +him perish. I thought that even if I had ventured to expose myself, I +ought at least to have spared my daughter. The loss of her education, +even of her life, appeared to me inevitable. Everything looked dark in +regard to her. + +With her natural disposition and fine qualities, she might have +attracted admiration, if educated in France, and been likely to have +such offers of marriage, as she could never hope to meet with in this +poor country; in which, if she should recover, she would never be +likely to be fit for anything. Here she could eat nothing of what was +offered her. All her subsistence was a little unpleasant and +disagreeable broth, which I forced her to take against her will. I +seemed like a second Abraham, holding the knife over her to destroy +her. Our Lord would have me make a sacrifice to Him, without any +consolation, and plunged in sorrow, night was the time in which I gave +vent to it. He made me see, on one side the grief of her grandmother, +if she should hear of her death, which she would impute to my taking +the child away from her; the great reproach, it would be accounted +among all the family. The gifts of nature she was endowed with were now +like pointed darts which pierced me. I believe that God so ordered it +to purify me from too human an attachment still in me. After I returned +from the Ursulines at Tonon, they changed her manner of diet, and gave +her what was suitable; in a short time she recovered. + + + + +CHAPTER 3 + + +As soon as it was known in France that I was gone there was a general +outcry. Father de la Mothe wrote to me, that all persons of learning +and of piety united in censuring me. To alarm me still more, he +informed me that my mother-in-law, with whom I had entrusted my younger +son and my children's substance, was fallen into a state of childhood. +This, however, was false. + +I answered all these fearful letters as the Spirit dictated. My answers +were thought very just, and those violent exclamations were soon +changed into applauses. Father La Mothe appeared to change his censures +into esteem; but it did not last. Self interest threw him back again; +being disappointed in his hopes of a pension, which he expected I would +have settled on him. Sister Garnier, whatever was her reason, changed +and declared against me. + +I both ate and slept little. The food which was given us was putrid and +full of worms, by reason of the great heat of the weather, also being +kept too long. What I should have formerly beheld with the greatest +abhorrence, now became my only nourishment. Yet everything was rendered +easy to me. In God I found, without increase, everything which I had +lost for Him. That spirit, which I once thought I had lost in a strange +stupidity, was restored to me with inconceivable advantages. I was +astonished at myself. I found there was nothing which I was not fit for +or in which I did not succeed. Those who observed said that I had a +prodigious capacity. I well knew that I had but meager capabilities, +but that in God my spirit had received a quality which it had never had +before. I thought I experienced something of the state which the +apostles were in, after they had received the Holy Ghost. I knew, I +comprehended, I understood, I was enabled to do everything necessary. I +had every sort of good thing and no want of anything. When Jesus +Christ, the eternal wisdom, is formed in the soul, after the death of +the first Adam, it finds in Him all good things communicated to it. + +Sometime after my arrival at Gex, the Bishop of Geneva came to see us. +He was so clearly convinced, and so much affected, that he could not +forbear expressing it. He opened his heart to me on what God had +required of him. He confessed to me his own deviations and +infidelities. Every time when I spoke to him he entered into what I +said, and acknowledged it to be the truth. Indeed it was the Spirit of +truth which inspired me to speak to him, without which I should be only +a mere simpleton. Yet as soon as those persons spoke to him, who sought +for pre-eminence, and who could not suffer any good but what came from +themselves, he was so weak as to be imposed on with impressions against +the truth. This weakness has hindered him from doing all the good which +otherwise he might have done. + +After I had spoken to him, he said that he had it in his mind to give +me Father La Combe for director; he was a man illuminated of God, who +well understood the inward path, and had a singular gift of pacifying +souls. Greatly was I rejoiced when the Bishop appointed him, seeing +thereby his authority united with the grace which already seemed to +have given him to me, by a union and effusion of supernatural life and +love. The fatigues I had, and watchings with my daughter, threw me into +a violent sickness attended with exquisite pain. The physicians judged +me in danger, yet the sisters of the house quite neglected me; +especially the stewardess. She was so penurious, that she did not give +me what was necessary to sustain life. I had not a penny to help myself +with, as I had reserved nothing to myself. Besides, they received all +the money which was remitted to me from France, which was very +considerable. I practiced poverty and was in necessity even among those +to whom I had given all. They wrote to Father La Combe, desiring him to +come to me, as I was so extremely ill. Hearing of my condition he was +so touched with compassion as to walk on foot all night. He traveled +not otherwise, endeavoring in that, as in everything else, to imitate +our Lord Jesus Christ. + +As soon as he entered the house my pains abated; when he had prayed and +blessed me, laying his hand on my head, I was perfectly cured, to the +great astonishment of my physicians; who were not willing to +acknowledge the miracle. + +These sisters advised me to return to my daughter. Father La Combe +returned with me. A violent storm arose on the Lake, which made me very +sick, and seemed likely to upset the boat. But the hand of Providence +remarkably appeared in our favor; so much so, that it was taken notice +of by the mariners and passengers. They looked upon Father La Combe as +a saint. We arrived at Tonon, where I found myself so perfectly +recovered, that, instead of making and using the remedies I had +proposed, I went into a retreat, and stayed twelve days. Here I made +vows of perpetual chastity, poverty and obedience, covenanting to obey +whatever I should believe to be the will of God also to obey the +church, and to honor Jesus Christ in such a manner as He pleased. + +At this time I found that I had the perfect chastity of love to the +Lord, it being without any reserve, division, or view of interest. +Perfect poverty, by the total privation of everything that was mine, +both inwardly and outwardly. Perfect obedience to the will of the Lord, +submission to the church, and honor to Jesus Christ in loving Himself +only; the effect of which soon appeared. When by the loss of ourselves +we are passed into the Lord, our will is made one and the same with +that of the Lord, according to the prayer of Christ, "As thou Father +art in me, and I in thee, grant that they also may be one of us." John +17:21. Oh, but it is then that the will is rendered marvelous, both +because it is made the will of the Lord, which is the greatest of +miracles; also because it works wonders in Him. For as it is the Lord +who wills in the soul, that will has its effect. Scarcely has it willed +but the thing is done. + +But some may say, Why then so many oppressions endured? Why do not +these souls, if they have such a power, set themselves free from them? +We answer that if they had any will to do anything of that sort, +against divine providence, that would be the will of flesh, or the will +of man, and not the will of God, John 1:13. + +I rose generally at midnight, waking at the proper time; but if I wound +up my alarm-watch, then I used not to awake in time. I saw that the +Lord had the care of a father and a spouse over me. When I had any +indisposition, and my body wanted rest, He did not awake me; but at +such times I felt even in my sleep a singular possession of Him. Some +years have passed wherein I have had only a kind of half-sleep; but my +soul waked the more for the Lord, as sleep seemed to steal from it +every other attention. The Lord made it known also to many persons, +that He designed me for a mother of great people, but a people simple +and childlike. They took these intelligences in a literal sense and +thought it related to some institution or congregation. But it appeared +to me that the persons whom it would please the Lord that I should win +over to Him, and to whom I should be as a mother, through His goodness, +should have the same union of affection for me as children have for a +parent, but a union much deeper and stronger; giving me all that was +necessary for them, to bring them to walk in the way by which He would +lead them, as I shall show. + + + + +CHAPTER 4 + + +I would willingly suppress what I am now about to write if anything of +it were my own, also on account of the difficulty of expressing myself +as because few souls are capable of understanding divine leadings which +are so little known, and so little comprehended. I have myself never +read of anything like it. I shall say something of the interior +dispositions I was then in, and I shall think my time well employed, if +it serves you who are willing to be of the number of my children; it +serves such as are already my children, to induce them to let God +glorify Himself in them after His manner, and not after their own. If +there be anything which they do not comprehend, let them die to +themselves. They will find it much easier to learn by experience than +from anything I could say; expression never equals experience. + +After I had come out of the trying condition I have spoken of I found +it had purified my soul, instead of blackening it as I had feared. I +possessed God after a manner so pure, and so immense, as nothing else +could equal. In regard to thoughts or desires, all was so clean, so +naked, so lost in the divinity, that the soul had no selfish movement, +however plausible or delicate; both the powers of the mind and the very +senses being wonderfully purified. Sometimes I was surprised to find +that there appeared not one selfish thought. The imagination, formerly +so restless, now no more troubled me. I had no more perplexity or +uneasy reflections. The will, being perfectly dead to all its own +appetites, was become void of every human inclination, both natural and +spiritual, and only inclined to whatever God pleased, and to whatever +manner He pleased. This vastness or enlargedness, which is not bounded +by anything, however plain or simple it may be, increases every day. My +soul in partaking of the qualities of her Spouse seems also to partake +of His immensity. My prayer was in an openness and singleness +inconceivable. I was, as it were, borne up on high, out of myself. I +believe God was pleased to bless me with this experience. At the +beginning of the new life, He made me comprehend, for the good of other +souls, the simplicity and desirableness of this passage of the soul +into God. + +When I went to confess, I felt such an immersion of the soul into Him, +that I could scarcely speak. This ascension of the spirit, wherein God +draws the soul so powerfully, not into its own inmost recess, but into +Himself, is not operated till after the death of self. The soul +actually comes out of itself to pass into its divine object. I call it +death, that is to say, a passage from one thing to another. It is truly +a happy passover for the soul, and its passage into the promised land. +The spirit which is created to be united to its divine Origin, has so +powerful a tendency to Him, that if it were not stopped by a continual +miracle, its moving quality would cause the body to be drawn after it +by reason of its impetuosity and noble assent. But God has given it a +terrestrial body to serve for a counterpoise. This spirit then, created +to be united to its Origin, without any medium or interstice, feeling +itself drawn by its divine object, tends to it with an extreme +violence; in such sort that God, suspending for sometime the power +which the body has to hold back the spirit, it follows with ardency. +When it is not sufficiently purified to pass into God, it gradually +returns to itself; as the body resumes its own quality, it turns to the +earth. The saints who have been the most perfect have advanced to that +degree, as to have nothing of all this. Some have lost it toward the +end of their lives, becoming single and pure as the others, because +they then had in reality and permanence what they had at first only as +transient fruitions, in the time of the prevalence or dominion of the +body. It is certain then that the soul, by death to itself, passes into +its divine Object. This is what I then experienced. I found, the +farther I went, the more my spirit was lost in its Sovereign, who +attracted it more and more to Himself. He was pleased at first that I +should know this for the sake of others and not for myself. Indeed He +drew my soul more and more into Himself, till it lost itself entirely +out of sight, and could perceive itself no more. It seemed at first to +pass into Him. As one sees a river pass into the ocean, lose itself in +it, its water for a time distinguished from that of the sea, till it +gradually becomes transformed into the same sea, and possesses all its +qualities; so was my soul lost in God, who communicated to it His +qualities, having drawn it out of all that it had of its own. Its life +is an inconceivable innocence, not known or comprehended of those who +are still shut up in themselves or only live for themselves. + +The joy which such a soul possesses in its God is so great, that it +experiences the truth of those words of the royal prophet, "All they +who are in thee, O Lord, are like persons ravished with joy." To such a +soul the words of our Lord seem to be addressed, "Your joy no man shall +take from you." John 16:22. It is as it were plunged in a river of +peace. Its prayer is continual. Nothing can hinder it from praying to +God, or from loving Him. It amply verifies these words in the +Canticles, "I sleep but my heart waketh;" for it finds that even sleep +itself does not hinder it from praying. Oh, unutterable happiness! Who +could ever have thought that a soul, which seemed to be in the utmost +misery, should ever find a happiness equal to this? Oh, happy poverty, +happy loss, happy nothingness, which gives no less than God Himself in +His own immensity, no more circumscribed to the limited manner of the +creature, but always drawing it out of that, to plunge it wholly into +His own divine essence. + +Then the soul knows that all the states of self-pleasing visions, +openings, ecstasies and raptures, are rather obstacles; that they do +not serve this state which is far above them; because the state which +has supports, has pain to lose them; yet cannot arrive at this without +such loss. In this are verified the words of an experienced saint; +"When I would," says he, "possess nothing through self-love, everything +was given me without going after it." Oh, happy dying of the grain of +wheat, which makes it produce an hundredfold! The soul is then so +passive, so equally disposed to receive from the hand of God either +good or evil, as is astonishing. It receives both the one and the other +without any selfish emotions, letting them flow and be lost as they +come. They pass away as if they did not touch. + +After I finished my retreat with the Ursulines at Tonon, I returned +through Geneva and, having found no other means of conveyance, the +French resident lent me a horse. As I knew not how to ride I made some +difficulty of doing it; but as he assured me that it was a very quiet +horse, I ventured to mount. There was a sort of a smith, who looking at +me with a wild haggard look, struck the horse a blow on the back, just +as I had got upon him, which made him give a leap. He threw me on the +ground with such force that they thought I was killed. I fell on my +temple. My cheekbone and two of my teeth were broken. I was supported +by an invisible hand and in a little time I mounted as well as I could +on another horse and had a man by my side to keep me up. + +My relations left me in peace at Gex. They had heard at Paris of my +miraculous cure; it made a great noise there. Many persons in +reputation for sanctity then wrote to me. I received letters from +Mademoiselle De Lamoignon, and another young lady, who was so moved +with my answer, that she sent me a hundred pistoles for our house, and +let me know besides that, when we wanted money, I had only to write to +her; and that she would send me all I could desire. They talked in +Paris of printing an account of the sacrifice I had made, and inserting +in it the miracle of my sudden recovery. I don't know what prevented +it; but such is the inconstancy of the creature, that this journey, +which drew upon me at that time so much applause, has served for a +pretext for the strange condemnation which has since passed upon me. + + + + +CHAPTER 5 + + +My near relations did not signify any eager desire for my return. The +first thing they proposed to me, a month after my arrival at Gex, was +not only to give up my guardianship, but to make over all my estate to +my children and to reserve an annuity to myself. This proposition, +coming from people who regarded nothing but their own interest, to some +might have appeared very unpleasing; but it was in no wise so to me. I +had not any friend to advise with. I knew not anyone whom I could +consult about the manner of executing the thing, as I was quite free +and willing to do it. It appeared to me that I had now the means of +accomplishing the extreme desire I had of being conformable to Jesus +Christ, poor, naked, and stripped of all. They sent me an article to +execute, which had been drawn under their inspection, and I innocently +signed it, not perceiving some clauses which were inserted therein. It +expressed that, when my children should die, I should inherit nothing +of my own estate, but that it should revolve to my kindred. There were +many other things, which appeared to be equally to my disadvantage. +Though what I had reserved to myself was sufficient to support me in +this place; yet it was scarcely enough to do so in some other places. I +then gave up my estate with more joy, for being thereby conformed to +Jesus Christ, than they could have who asked it from me. It is what I +have never repented of, nor had any uneasiness about. What pleasure to +lose all for the Lord! The love of poverty, thus contracted, is the +kingdom of tranquillity. + +I forgot to mention that toward the end of my miserable state of +privation, when just ready to enter into newness of life, our Lord +illuminated me so clearly to see that the exterior crosses came from +Him, that I could not harbor any resentment against the persons who +procured me them. On the contrary, I felt the tenderness of compassion +for them, and had more pain for those afflictions which I innocently +caused to them, than for any which they had heaped upon me. I saw that +these persons feared the Lord too much to oppress me as they did, had +they known it. I saw His hand in it, and I felt the pain which they +suffered, through the contrariety of their humors. It is hard to +conceive the tenderness which the Lord gave me for them, and the desire +which I have had, with the utmost sincerity, to procure them every sort +of advantage. + +After the accident which befell me (fall from the horse) from which I +soon wonderfully recovered, the Devil began to declare himself more +openly mine enemy, to break loose and become outrageous. One night, +when I least thought of it, something very monstrous and frightful +presented itself. It seemed a kind face, which was seen by a glimmering +blueish light. I don't know whether the flame itself composed that +horrible face or appearance; for it was so mixed and passed by so +rapidly, that I could not discern it. My soul rested in its calm +situation and assurance, and it appeared no more after that manner. As +I arose at midnight to pray, I heard frightful noises in my chamber and +after I had lain down they were still worse. My bed often shook for a +quarter of an hour at a time, and the sashes were all burst. Every +morning while this continued, they were found shattered and torn, yet I +felt no fear. I arose and lighted my wax candle at a lamp which I kept +in my room, because I had taken the office of sacristan and the care of +waking the sisters at the hour they were to rise, without having once +failed in it for my indispositions, ever being the first in all the +observances. I made use of my little light to look all over the room +and at the sashes, at the very time the noise was strongest. As he saw +that I was afraid of nothing, he left off all on a sudden, and attacked +me no more in person. But he stirred up men against me, and that +succeeded far better with him; for he found them disposed to do what he +prompted them to, zealously, inasmuch as they counted it a good thing +to do me the worst of injuries. + +One of the sisters whom I had brought with me, a very beautiful girl, +contracted an intimacy with an ecclesiastic, who had authority in this +place. At first he inspired her with an aversion for me, being well +assured that if she placed confidence in me, I should advise her not to +suffer his visits so frequently. She was undertaking a religious +retreat. That ecclesiastic was desirous to induce her to make it, in +order to gain her entire confidence, which would have served as a cloak +to his frequent visits. The Bishop of Geneva had given Father La Combe +for director to our house. As he was going to cause retreats to be +made, I desired her to wait for him. As I had gained some share in her +esteem, she submitted even against her inclination, which was to have +made it under this ecclesiastic. I began to talk to her on the subject +of inward prayer, and drew her into the practice of this duty. Our Lord +gave such a blessing thereto, that this girl gave herself to God in +right earnest, and with her whole heart and the retreat completely won +her over. She then became more reserved, and on her guard, toward this +ecclesiastic, which exceedingly vexed him. It enraged him both against +Father La Combe and me. This proved the source of the persecutions +which afterward befell me. The noise in my chamber, which may have been +traced to him, ended as these commenced. + +This ecclesiastic began to talk privately of me with much contempt. I +knew it, but took no notice. There came a certain friar to see him, who +mortally hated Father La Combe, on account of his regularity. These +combined together to force me to quit the house, that they might become +masters of it. All the means they could devise they used for that +purpose. + +My manner of life was such, that in the house I did not meddle in +affairs at all, leaving the sisters to dispose of the temporalities as +they pleased. Soon after my entrance into it I received eighteen +hundred livres, which a lady, a friend of mine, lent me to complete our +furniture, which I had repaid her at my late giving up of my estate. +This sum they received, as well as what I had before given them. I +sometimes spoke a little to those who retired thither to become +Catholics. Our Lord favored with so much benediction what I said to +them, that some, whom they knew not before what to make of, became +sensible, solid women, and exemplary in piety. + +I saw crosses in abundance likely to fall to my lot. At the same time +these words came, "Who for the joy that was set before him endured the +cross." Heb. 12:2. I prostrated myself for a long time with my face on +the ground, earnestly desiring to receive all thy strokes. Oh, Thou who +spared not thine own son! Thou couldst find none but Him worthy of +Thee, and thou still findest in Him hearts proper for thee. + +A few days after my arrival at Gex, I saw in a sacred and mysterious +dream (for as such I very well distinguished it) Father La Combe +fastened up to an enormous cross, stripped in like manner as they paint +our Saviour. I saw around it a frightful crowd, which covered me with +confusion, and threw back on me the ignominy of his punishment. He +seemed to have most pain, but I more reproaches than he. I have since +beheld this fully accomplished. + +The ecclesiastic won over to his party one of our sisters, who was the +house-steward and soon after the prioress. I was very delicate, the +good inclination which I had did not give strength to my body. I had +two maids to serve me; yet, as the community had need of one of them +for their cook, and the other to attend the door and other occasions, I +gave them up, not thinking but they would allow them to serve me +sometimes. Besides this, I let them still receive all my income, they +having had my first half of this year's annuity. Yet they would not +permit either of my maid-servants, to do anything for me. By my office +of sacristan I was obliged to sweep the church, which was large, and +they would not let anyone help me. I have several times fainted over +the broom and have been forced to rest in corners. This obliged me to +beg them, that they would suffer it sometimes to be swept by some of +the strong country girls, New Catholics, to which at last they had the +charity to consent. What most embarrassed me was that I never had +washed. I was now obliged to wash all the vestry linen. I took one of +my maids to help me, because in attempting it I had done up the linen +most awkwardly. These sisters pulled her by the arms out of my chamber, +telling her she should do her own work. I let it quietly pass, without +making any objection. The other good sister, the girl I just mentioned, +grew more and more fervent. By the practice of prayer in her dedication +of herself to the Lord she became more and more tender in her sympathy +with me. It irritated this ecclesiastic. After all his impotent +attempts here, he went off to Annecy, in order to sow discord, and to +effect more mischief to Father La Combe. + + + + +CHAPTER 6 + + +He went directly to the Bishop of Geneva, who till then had manifested +much esteem and kindness for me. He persuaded him, that it would be +proper to secure me to that house, to oblige me to give up to it the +annual income I had reserved to myself; to engage me thereto, by making +me prioress. He had gained such an ascendancy over the Bishop, that the +people in the country called him the Little Bishop. He drew him to +enter heartily and with zeal into this proposition, and to resolve to +bring it about whatever it should cost. + +The ecclesiastic, having so far carried his point, and being swelled +with his success, no longer kept any measures in regard to me. He began +with causing all the letters which I sent, and those which were +directed to me, to be stopped. That was in order to have it in his +power to make what impressions he pleased on the minds of others, and +that I should neither be able to know it, nor to defend myself, nor to +give or send to my friends any account of the manner in which I was +treated. One of the maids I had brought wanted to return. She could +have no rest in this place, the other that remained was infirm, too +much taken up by others to help me in anything. As Father La Combe was +soon to come, I thought he would soften the violent spirit of this man, +and that he would give me proper advice. + +In the meantime they proposed to me the engagement, and the post of +prioress. I answered, that as to the engagement it was impossible for +me, since my vocation was elsewhere. And I could not regularly be the +prioress, till after passing through the novitiate, in which they had +all served two years before their being engaged. When I should have +done as much, I should see how God would inspire me. The prioress +replied quite tartly, that if I would ever leave them it were best for +me to do it immediately. Yet I did not offer to retire, but continued +still to act as usual. I saw the sky gradually thickening and storms +gathering on every side. The prioress then affected a milder air. She +assured me, that she had a desire, as well as I, to go to Geneva; that +I should not engage, but only promise her to take her with me, if I +went thither. She pretended to place a great confidence in me, and +professed a high esteem for me. As I am very free, and have nothing but +uprightness, I let her know that I had no attraction for the manner of +life of the New Catholics, by reason of the intrigues from without. +Several things did not please me, because I wanted them to be upright +in everything. She signified that she did not consent to such things, +but because that ecclesiastic told her they were necessary to give the +house a credit in distant parts and to draw charities from Paris. I +answered that if we walked uprightly God would never fail us. He would +sooner do miracles for us. I remarked to her that when, instead of +sincerity, they had recourse to artifice, charity grew cold, and kept +herself shut up. It is God alone who inspires charity; how, then, is it +to be drawn by disguises? + +Soon after, Father La Combe came about the retreats. This was the third +and last time that he came to Gex. This prioress, after she had been +tampering a good deal with me, having written him a long letter before +his coming, and received his answer, which she showed me, now went to +ask him whether she would one day be united to me at Geneva. He +answered with his usual uprightness, "Our Lord has made it known to me +that you shall never be established at Geneva." Soon after she died. +When he had uttered this declaration, she appeared enraged against both +him and me. She went directly to that ecclesiastic, who was in a room +with the house-steward; and they took their measures together, to +oblige me either to engage or retire. They thought that I would sooner +engage than retire, and they watched my letters. + +With a design to lay snares for him, he requested Father La Combe to +preach. He did on this text "The King's daughter is beautiful within." +That ecclesiastic, who was present with his confidant, said that it was +preached against him, and was full of errors. He drew up eight +propositions, and inserted in them what the other had not preached, +adjusting them as maliciously as ever he could, then sent them to one +of his friends in Rome, to get them examined by the Sacred +Congregation, and by the Inquisition. Though he had very illy digested +them, at Rome they were pronounced good. That greatly disappointed and +vexed him. After having been treated in this manner, and opprobriously +reviled by him in the most offensive terms, the Father, with much +mildness and humility, told him that he was going to Annecy about some +affairs of the convent. If he had anything to write to the Bishop of +Geneva, he would take care of his letter. He then desired him to wait +awhile, as he was going to write. The good Father had the patience to +wait above three hours, without hearing from him; though he had treated +him exceedingly ill, so far as to snatch out of his hands a letter I +had given him for that worthy hermit I have mentioned. Hearing he was +not gone, but was still in the church, I went to him, and begged him to +send to see if the other's packet was ready. The day was so far gone +that he would be obliged to lodge by the way. When the messenger +arrived, he found a servant of the ecclesiastic on horseback, ordered +to go at full speed, to be at Annecy before the Father. He then +returned an answer, that he had no letters to send by him. This was so +contrived, that he might gain time to prepossess the Bishop for his +purposes. Father La Combe then set off for Annecy, and on his arrival +found the Bishop prepossessed, and in an ill humor. This was the +substance of the discourse. + +BISHOP--You must absolutely engage this lady to give what she has to +the house at Gex, and make her the prioress of it. + +F. LA COMBE--My lord, you know what she has told you herself of her +vocation, both at Paris and in this country. I therefore do not believe +that she will engage; nor is there any likelihood that, after quitting +her all, in the hope of entering Geneva, she should engage elsewhere, +and thereby put it out of her power to accomplish the designs of God in +regard to her. She has offered to stay with those sisters as a boarder. +If they are willing to keep her as such, she will remain with them; if +not, she is resolved to retire into some convent, till God shall +dispose of her otherwise. + +BISHOP--I know all that; but I likewise know that she is so very +obedient, that, if you order her, she will assuredly do it. + +F. LA COMBE--It is for that reason, my lord, that one ought to be very +cautious in the commands which they lay on her. Can I induce a foreign +lady, who, for all her subsistence, has nothing but a small pittance +she has reserved to herself, to give that up in favor of a house which +is not yet established, and perhaps never will be? If the house should +happen to fail, or be no longer of use, what shall that lady live on? +Shall she go to the hospital? And indeed this house will not long be of +any use, since there are no Protestants in any part of France near it. + +BISHOP--These reasons are good for nothing. If you do not make her do +what I have said, I will degrade and suspend you. + +This manner of speaking somewhat surprised the Father. He well enough +understands the rules of suspension, which is not executed on such +things. He replied: + +"My lord, I am ready, not only to suffer the suspension, but even +death, rather than do anything against my conscience." Having said +that, he retired. + +He directly sent me this account by an express, to the end that I might +take proper measures. I had no other course to take but to retire into +a convent. I received a letter informing me that the nun to whom I had +entrusted my daughter had fallen sick, and desiring me to go to her for +some time. I showed this letter to the sisters of our house, telling +them that I had a mind to go; but if they ceased to persecute me, and +would leave Father La Combe in peace, I would return as soon as the +mistress of my daughter should be recovered. Instead of this, they +persecuted me more violently, wrote to Paris against me, stopped all my +letters, and sent libels against me around the country. + +The day after my arrival at Tonon, Father La Combe set off for the +valley of Aoust, to preach there in Lent. He had come to take leave of +me, and told me that he should go from thence to Rome, and perhaps not +return, as his superiors might detain him there; that he was sorry to +leave me in a strange country, without succor, and persecuted of +everyone. I replied, "My father, that gives me no pain; I use the +creatures for God, and by His order. Through His mercy, I do very well +without them, when He withdraws them. I am very well contented never to +see you, and to abide under persecution, if such be His will." He said +he would go well satisfied to see me in such a disposition, and then +departed. + +As soon as I got to the Ursulines, a very aged and pious priest, who +for twenty years past had not come out of his solitude, came to find +me. He told me that he had a vision relative to me; that he had seen a +woman in a boat on the lake; and that the Bishop of Geneva, with some +of his priests, exerted all their efforts to sink the boat she was in, +and to drown her; that he continued in this vision above two hours, +with pain of mind; that it seemed sometimes as if this woman were quite +drowned, as for some time she quite disappeared; but afterward she +appeared again, and ready to escape the danger, while the Bishop never +ceased to pursue her. This woman was always equally calm; but he never +saw her entirely free from him. From whence I conclude, added he, that +the Bishop will persecute you without intermission. + +I had an intimate friend, wife of that governor of whom I have made +some mention. As she saw I had quitted everything for God, she had a +warm desire to follow me. With diligence did she dispose of all her +effects and settle her affairs in order to come to me; but when she +heard of the persecution, she was discouraged from coming to a place, +from whence she thought I should be obliged to retire. Soon after she +died. + + + + +CHAPTER 7 + + +After Father La Combe was gone, the persecution raised against me +became more violent. But the Bishop of Geneva still showed me some +civilities, as well to try whether he could prevail on me to do what he +desired, as to sound out how matters passed in France, and to prejudice +the minds of the people there against me, preventing me from receiving +the letters sent me. The ecclesiastic and his family had twenty-two +intercepted letters, opened, on their table. There was one wherein was +sent me a power of attorney to sign, of immediate consequence. They +were obliged to put it under another cover, and send it to me. The +bishop wrote to Father La Mothe, and had no difficulty to draw him into +his party. He was displeased with me on two accounts. First, that I had +not settled on him a pension, as he expected, and as he told me very +roughly several times. Second, I did not take his advice in everything. +He at once declared against me. The bishop made him his confidant. It +was he who uttered and spread abroad the news about me. They imagined, +as was supposed, that I would annul the donation I had made, if I +returned; that, having the support of friends in France, I would find +the means of breaking it; but in that they were much mistaken. I had no +thought of loving anything but the poverty of Jesus Christ. For some +time yet, the Father acted with caution toward me. He wrote me some +letters, which he addressed to the Bishop of Geneva, and they agreed so +together, that he was the only person from whom I received any letters, +to which I returned very moving answers. He, instead of being touched +with them, became only more irritated against me. + +The bishop continued to treat me with a show of respect; yet at the +same time he wrote to many persons in Paris, as did also the sisters of +the house, to all those persons of piety who had written letters to me, +to bias them as much as possible against me. To avoid the blame which +ought naturally to fall upon them for having so unworthily treated a +person who have given up everything to devote herself to the service of +that diocese. After I had done this, and was not in a condition to +return to France, they treated me extremely ill in every respect. There +was scarcely any kind of false or fabulous story, likely to gain any +credit, which they did not invent to cry me down. Beside my having no +way to make the truth known in France, our Lord inspired me with a +willingness to suffer everything, without justifying myself; so that in +my case nothing was heard but condemnation, without any vindication. + +I was in this convent, and had seen Father La Combe no further than I +have mentioned; yet they did not cease to publish, both of him and me, +the most scandalous stories; as utterly false as anything could be, for +he was then a hundred and fifty leagues from me. + +For some time I was ignorant of this. As I knew that all my letters +were kept from me, I ceased to wonder at receiving none. I lived in +this house with my little daughter in a sweet repose, which was a very +great favor of Providence. My daughter had forgotten her French, and +among the little girls from the mountains had contracted a wild look +and disagreeable manners. Her wit, sense and judgment, were indeed +surprising, and her disposition exceedingly good. There were only some +little fits of peevishness, which they had caused to arise in her, +through certain contrarieties out of season, caresses ill applied, and +for want of knowing the proper manner of education. But the Lord +provided in regard to her. During this time my mind was preserved calm +and resigned to God. Afterward that good sister almost continually +interrupted me; I answered everything she desired of me, both out of +condescension, and from a principle which I had to obey like a child. + +When I was in my apartment, without any other director than our Lord by +His Spirit, as soon as one of my little children came to knock at my +door, he required me to admit the interruption. He showed me that it is +not the actions in themselves which please Him, but the constant ready +obedience to every discovery of His will, even in the minutest things, +with such a suppleness, as not to stick to anything, but still to turn +with Him at every call. My soul was then, I thought, like a leaf, or a +feather, which the wind moves what way soever it pleases and the Lord +never suffers a soul so dependent upon, and dedicated to Him, to be +deceived. + +Most men appear to me very unjust, when they readily resign themselves +to another man, and look upon that as prudence. They confide in men who +are nothing, and boldly say, "Such a person cannot be deceived." But if +one speaks of a soul wholly resigned to God, which follows him +faithfully, they cry aloud, "That person is deceived with his +resignation." Oh, divine Love! Dost thou want either strength, +fidelity, love, or wisdom, to conduct those who trust in thee and who +are thy dearest children? I have seen men bold enough to say, "Follow +me, and you shall not be misled." How sadly are those men misled +themselves by their presumption! How much sooner should I go to him who +would be afraid of misleading me; who trusting neither to his learning +nor experience, would rely upon God only! + +Our Lord showed me, in a dream, two ways by which souls steer their +course, under the figure of two drops of water. The one appeared to me +of an unparalleled beauty, brightness and purity; the other to have +also a brightness, yet full of little streaks; both good to quench +thirst; the former altogether pleasant, but the latter not so perfectly +agreeable. By the former is represented the way of pure and naked +faith, which pleases the Spouse much, it is so pure, so clear from all +self-love. The way of emotions or gifts is not so; yet it is that in +which many enlightened souls walk, and into which they had drawn Father +La Combe. But God showed me, that He had given him to me, to draw him +into one more pure and perfect. I spoke before the sisters, he being +present, of the way of faith, how much more glorious it was to God, and +advantageous for the soul, than all those gifts, emotions and +assurances, which ever cause us to live to self. This discouraged them +at first and him also. I saw they were pained, as they have confessed +to me since. I said no more of it at that time. But, as he is a person +of great humility, he bid me unfold what I had wanted to say to him. I +told him a part of my dream of the two drops of water; yet, he did not +then enter into what I said, the time for it being not yet come. When +he came to Gex, it was to make the retreats. I told him the +circumstances of a certain time past; he recollected that it was the +time of so extraordinary a touch with which the Lord favored him, that +he was quite overwhelmed with contrition. This gave him such an +interior renovation, that having retired to pray, in a very ardent +frame of mind, he was filled with joy, and seized with a powerful +emotion, which made him enter into what I had told him of the way of +faith. I give these things, as they happen to come to my remembrance, +without carrying them on in order. + +After Easter, in 1682, the bishop came to Tonon. I had occasion to +speak to him, which when I had done, our Lord so pointed my words that +he appeared thoroughly convinced. But the persons who had influenced +him before returned. He then pressed me very much to return to Gex and +to take the place of Prioress. I gave him the reasons against it. I +then appealed to him, as a bishop, desiring him to take care to regard +nothing but God in what he should say to me. He was struck into a kind +of confusion; and then said to me, "Since you speak to me in such a +manner, I cannot advise you to it. It is not for us to go contrary to +our vocations; but do good, I pray you, to this house." I promised him +to do it. Having received my pension, I sent them a hundred pistoles, +with a design of doing the same as long as I should be in the diocese. +The bishop said to me, "I love Father La Combe. He is a true servant of +God and he has told me many things to which I was forced to assent for +I felt them in myself. But," added he, "when I say so, they tell me I +am mistaken, and that before the end of six months he will run mad." He +told me, "he approved of the nuns, which had been under the care and +instruction of Father La Combe, finding them to come up fully to what +he had heard of them." From thence I took occasion to tell him "that in +everything he ought to refer himself to his own breast, or to the +instructions there immediately received, and not to others." He agreed +to what I said, and acknowledged it to be right; yet no sooner was he +returned, than, so great was his weakness that he re-entered into his +former dispositions. He sent the same ecclesiastic to tell me that I +must engage myself at Gex; that it was his sentiment. I answered, that +I was determined to follow the counsel he had given me, when he had +spoken to me as from God, since now they made him speak only as man. + + + + +CHAPTER 8 + + +My soul was in a state of entire resignation and very great content, in +the midst of such violent tempests. Those persons came to tell me a +hundred extravagant stories against Father La Combe. The more they said +to me to his disadvantage, the more esteem I felt for him. I answered +them, "Perhaps I may never see him again, but I shall ever be glad to +do him justice. It is not he who hinders me from engaging at Gex. It is +only because I know it to be none of my vocation." They asked me, "Who +could know that better than the bishop?" They further told me, "I was +under a deception, and my state was good for nothing." This gave me no +uneasiness, having referred to God the care of requiring, and of +exacting what He requires, and in whatever manner He demands it. + +A soul in this state seeks nothing for itself, but all for God. Some +may say, "What, then, does this soul?" It leaves itself to be conducted +by God's providences and creatures. Outwardly, its life seems quite +common; inwardly, it is wholly resigned to the divine will. The more +everything appears adverse, and even desperate, the more calm it is, in +spite of the annoyance and pain of the senses and of the creatures, +which, for some time after the new life, raise some clouds and +obstructions, as I have already signified. But when the soul is +entirely passed into its original Being, all these things no more cause +any separation or partition. It finds no more of that impurity which +came from self-seeking, from a human manner of acting, from an +unguarded word, from any warm emotion or eagerness, which caused such a +mist, as it then could neither prevent nor remedy, having so often +experienced its own efforts, to be useless, and even hurtful, as they +did nothing else but sill more and more defile it. There is in such +case no other way or means of remedy, but in waiting till the Sun of +Righteousness dissipate those fogs. The whole work of purification +comes from God only. Afterward this conduct becomes natural; then the +soul can say with the royal prophet, "Though an host should encamp +against me, my heart shall not fear. Though war should rise up against +me, in him will I confide." For then, though assaulted on every side, +it continues fixed as a rock. Having no will but for what God sees meet +to order, be it what it may, high or low, great or small, sweet or +bitter, honor, wealth, life, or any other object, what can shake its +peace? It is true, our nature is so crafty that it worms itself through +everything; a selfish sight is like the basilisk's, it destroys. + +Trial are suited to the state of the soul, whether conducted by lights, +gifts, or ecstasies, or by the entire destruction of self in the way of +naked faith. Both these states are found in the apostle Paul. He tells +us, "And lest I should be exalted above measure, through the abundance +of revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the +messenger of Satan to buffet me." He prayed thrice, and it was said to +him, "My grace is sufficient for thee; for my strength is made perfect +in weakness." He proved also another state when he thus expressed +himself, "Oh, wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the +body of this death?" To which he replies, "I thank God, it is done +through Jesus Christ our Lord." It is He who conquers death in us +through His own life. Then there is no longer a sting in death, or +thorn in the flesh, capable of paining or hurting any more. + +At first indeed, and for a pretty long time after, the soul sees that +nature wants to take some part with it in its trials; then its fidelity +consists in withholding it, without allowing it the least indulgence, +till it leaves everything to go on with God in purity as it comes from +Him. Till the soul be in this state, it always sullies, by its own +mixture, the operation of God; like those rivulets which contract the +corruption of the places they pass through, but, flowing in a pure +place, they then remain in the purity of their source. Unless God +through experience, makes known His guidance to the soul, it can never +comprehend it. + +Oh, if souls had courage enough to resign themselves to the work of +purification, without having any weak and foolish pity on themselves, +what a noble, rapid and happy progress would they make! But few are +willing to lose the earth. If they advance some steps, as soon as the +sea is ruffled they are dejected; they cast anchor, and often desist +from the prosecution of the voyage. Such disorders doth selfish +interest and self-love occasion. It is of consequence not to look too +much at one's own state, not to lose courage, not to afford any +nourishment to self-love, which is so deep-rooted, that its empire is +not easily demolished. Often the idea which a man falsely conceives of +the greatness of his advancement in divine experience, makes him want +to be seen and known of men, and to wish to see the very same +perfection in others. He conceives too low ideas of others, and too +high of his own state. Then it becomes a pain to him to converse with +people too human; whereas, a soul truly mortified and resigned would +rather converse with the worst, by the order of Providence, than with +the best, of its own choice; wanting only to see or to speak to any as +Providence directs, knowing well that all beside, far from helping, +only hurt it, or at least prove very unfruitful to it. + +What, then, renders this soul so perfectly content? It neither knows, +nor wants to know, anything but what God calls it to. Herein it enjoys +divine content, after a manner vast, immense, and independent of +exterior events; more satisfied in its humiliation, and in the +opposition of all creatures, by the order of Providence, than on the +throne of its own choice. + +It is here that the apostolic life begins. But do all reach that state? +Very few, indeed, as far as I can comprehend. There is a way of lights, +gifts and graces, a holy life in which the creature appears all +admirable. As this life is more apparent, so it is more esteemed of +such, at least, as have not the purest light. The souls which walk in +the other path are often very little known, for a length of time, as it +was with Jesus Christ Himself, till the last years of His life. Oh, if +I could but express what I conceive of this state! But I can only +stammer about it. + + + + +CHAPTER 9 + + +Being, as I have said, with the Ursulines at Tonon, after having spoken +to the Bishop of Geneva, and seeing how he changed, just as others +turned him, I wrote to him and to Father La Mothe; but all my efforts +were useless. The more I endeavored to accommodate matters, the more +the ecclesiastic tried to confound them, hence I ceased to meddle. + +One day I was told that the ecclesiastic had won over the good girl +whom I dearly loved. So strong a desire I had for her perfection that +it had cost me much. I should not have felt the death of a child so +much as her loss; at the same time I was told how to hinder it, but +that human way of acting was repugnant to my inward sense; these words +arose in my heart, "Except the Lord build the house." + +And indeed He provided herein Himself, hindering her from yielding to +this deceitful man, after a manner to be admired, and very thwarting to +the designs of him and his associates. As long as I was with her she +still seemed wavering and fearful; but oh, the infinite goodness of +God, to preserve without our aid what without His we should inevitably +lose! I was no sooner separated from her, but she became immovable. + +As for me, there scarcely passed a day but they treated me with new +insults; their assaults came on me at unawares. The New Catholics, by +the instigation of the Bishop of Geneva, the ecclesiastic, and the +sisters at Gex, stirred up all the persons of piety against me. I had +but little uneasiness on my own account. If I could have had it at all, +it would have been on account of Father La Combe, whom they vilely +aspersed, though he was absent. They even made use of his absence, to +overset all the good he had done in the country, by his missions and +pious labors, which were inconceivably great. At first I was too ready +to vindicate him, thinking it justice to do it. I did not do it at all +for myself; and our Lord showed me that I must cease doing it for him, +in order to leave him to be more thoroughly annihilated; because from +thence he would draw a greater glory, than ever he had done from his +own reputation. + +Every day then invented some new slander. No kind of stratagem, or +malicious device in their power, did they omit. They came to surprise +and ensnare me in my words; but God guarded me so well, that therein +they only discovered their own malevolence. I had no consolation from +the creatures. She who had the care of my daughter behaved roughly to +me. Such are the persons who regulate themselves only by their gifts +and emotions. When they do not see things succeed, and as they regard +them only by their success, and are not willing to have the affront of +their pretensions being though uncertain, and liable to mistake, they +seek without for supports. As for me who pretended to nothing, I +thought all succeeded well, inasmuch as all tended to self-annihilation. +On another side, the maid I had brought, and who stayed with me, grew +tired out. Wanting to go back again, she stunned me with her complaints, +thwarting and chiding me from morning till night, upbraiding me with +what I had left, and coming to a place where I was good for nothing. +I was obliged to bear all her ill-humor and the clamor of her tongue. + +My own brother, Father La Mothe, wrote to me that I was rebel to my +bishop, staying in his diocese only to give him pain. Indeed, I saw +there was nothing for me to do here, so long as the bishop should be +against me. I did what I could to gain his goodwill, but this was +impossible on any other terms than the engagement he demanded, and that +I knew to be my duty not to do. This, joined to the poor education of +my daughter, affected my heart. When any glimmering of hope appeared, +it soon vanished; and I gained strength from a sort of despair. + +During this time Father La Combe was at Rome, where he was received +with so much honor, and his doctrine was so highly esteemed, that the +Sacred Congregation was pleased to take his sentiments on some points +of doctrine, which were found to be so just, and so clear, that it +followed them. Meanwhile the sister would take no care of my daughter; +when I took care of her she was displeased. I was not able, by any +means, to prevail on her to promise me that she would try to prevent +her contracting bad habits. However, I hoped that Father La Combe, at +his return, would bring everything into order, and renew my +consolation. Yet I left it all to God. + +About July, 1682, my sister, who was an Ursuline, got permission to +come. She brought a maid with her, which was very seasonable. My sister +assisted in the education of my daughter, but she had frequent jarring +with her tutoress--I labored but in vain for peace. By some instances +which I met with in this place, I saw clearly that it is not great +gifts which sanctify, unless they be accompanied with a profound +humility; that death to everything is infinitely more beneficial; for +there was one who thought herself at the summit of perfection, but has +discovered since, by the trials which have befallen her, that she was +yet very far from it. O, my God, how true it is that we may have of Thy +gifts, and yet be very imperfect, and full of ourselves! + +How very straight is the gate which leads to a life in God! How little +one must be to pass through it, it being nothing else but death to +self! But when we have passed through it, what enlargement do we find! +David said, (Psalm 18:19) "He brought me forth into a large place." And +it was through humiliation and abasement that he was brought thither. + +Father La Combe, on his arrival, came to see me. The first thing he +said was about his own weakness, and that I must return. He added, +"that all seemed dark, and there was no likelihood that God would make +use of me in this country." The Bishop of Geneva wrote to Father La +Mothe to get me to return; he wrote to me accordingly to do it. The +first Lent which I passed with the Ursulines, I had a very great pain +in my eyes; for that same imposthume which I formerly had between the +eye and the nose, returned upon me three times. The bad air, and the +noisome room which I was in, contributed hereto. My head was +frightfully swelled, but great was my inward joy. It was strange to see +so many good creatures, who did not know me, love and pity me; all the +rest enraged against me, and most of them on reports entirely false, +neither knowing me, nor why they so hated me. To swell the stream of +affliction yet more, my daughter fell sick and was likely to die; there +was but little hope of her recovery, when her mistress also fell ill. +My soul, leaving all to God, continued to rest in a quiet and peaceable +habitation. Oh, Principal and sole object of my love! Were there never +any other reward of what little services we do, or of the marks of +homage we render Thee, than this fixed state above the vicissitudes in +the world, is it not enough? The senses indeed are sometimes ready to +start aside, and to run off like truants; but every trouble flies +before the soul which is entirely subjected to God. By speaking of a +fixed state, I do not mean one which can never decline or fall, that +being only in Heaven. I call it fixed and permanent, compared with the +states which have preceded it, which were full of vicissitudes and +variations. I do not exclude a state of suffering in the senses, or +arising from superficial impurity, which remains to be done away, and +which one may compare to refined but tarnished gold. It has no more +need to be purified in the fire, having undergone that operation; but +needs only to be burnished. So it seemed to be with me at that time. + + + + +CHAPTER 10 + + +My daughter had the smallpox. They sent for a physician from Geneva, +who gave her over. Father La Combe then came in to visit, and pray with +her. He gave her his blessing; soon after she wonderfully recovered. +The persecution of the New Catholics against me continued and +increased; yet, for all that, I did not fail to do them all the good in +my power. My daughter's mistress came often to converse with me, but +much imperfection appeared in her discourses, though they were on +religious subjects. Father La Combe regulated many things in regard to +my daughter, which vexed her mistress so much, that her former +friendship was turned into coldness. She had grace, but suffered nature +too frequently to prevail. I told her my thought on her faults, as I +was inwardly directed to do; but though, at that time, God enlightened +her to see the truth of what I said, and she has been more enlightened +since, yet the return of her coldness toward me ensued upon it. The +debates between her and my sister grew more tart and violent. My +daughter, who was only six years and a half old, by her little +dexterities found a way to please them both, choosing to do her +exercises twice over, first with the one, then with the other, which +continued not long; for as her mistress generally neglected her, doing +things at one time, and leaving them at another, she was reduced to +learn only what my sister and I taught her. Indeed the changeableness +of my sister was so excessive, that, without great grace, it was hard +to suit one's self to it; yet she appeared to me to surmount herself in +many things. Formerly, I could scarce bear her manners; but I have +since loved everything in God, who has given me a very great facility +to bear the faults of my neighbor, with a readiness to please and +oblige everyone and such a compassion for their calamities or +distresses as I never had before. + +I have no difficulty to use condescension with imperfect persons; I +should be secretly smitten if I failed therein; but with souls of grace +I cannot bear this human manner of acting, nor suffer long and frequent +conversations. It is a thing of which few are capable. Some religious +persons say that these conversations are of great service. I believe it +may be true for some, but not for all; for there is a period wherein it +hurts, especially when it is of our own choice; the human inclination +corrupting everything. The same things which would be profitable, when +God, by His Spirit, draws to them, become quite otherwise, when we of +ourselves enter into them. This appears to me so clear, that I prefer +being a whole day with the worst of persons, in obedience to God, +before being one hour with the best, only from my own choice and +inclination. + +The order of divine providence makes the whole rule and conduct of a +soul entirely devoted to God. While it faithfully gives itself up +thereto, it will do all things right and well, and will have everything +it wants, without its own care; because God in whom it confides, makes +it every moment do what He requires, and furnishes the occasions proper +for it. God loves what is of His own order, and of His own will, not +according to the idea of the merely rational or even enlightened man; +for He hides these persons from the eyes of others, in order to +preserve them in that hidden purity for Himself. + +But how comes it that such souls commit any faults; because they are +not faithful, in giving themselves up to the present moment. Often too +eagerly bent on something, or wanting to be over-faithful, they slide +into many faults, which they can neither foresee nor avoid. Does God +then leave souls which confide in Him? Surely not. Sooner would He work +a miracle to hinder them from falling, if they were resigned enough to +Him. They may be resigned as to the general will, and yet fail as to +the present moment. Being out of the order of God, they fall. They +renew such falls as long as they continue out of that divine order. +When they return into it, all goes right and well. + +Most assuredly if such souls were faithful enough, not to let any of +the moments of the order of God slip over, they would not thus fall. +This appears to me as clear as the day. As a dislocated bone out of the +place in which the economy of divine wisdom had fixed it, gives +continual pain till restored to its proper order, so the many troubles +in life come from the soul not abiding in its place, and not being +content with the order of God, and what is afforded therein from moment +to moment. If men rightly knew this secret, they would all be fully +content and satisfied. But alas! instead of being content with what +they have, they are ever wishing for what they have not; while the +soul, which enters into divine light begins to be in paradise. What is +it that makes paradise? It is the order of God, which renders all the +saints infinitely content, though very unequal in glory! From whence +comes it that so many poor indigent persons are so contented, and that +princes and potentates, who abound to profusion, are so wretched and +unhappy? It is because the man who is not content with what he has, +will never be without craving desires; and he who is the prey of an +unsatisfied desire, can never be content. + +All souls have more or less of strong and ardent desires, except those +whose will is lost in the will of God. Some have good desires, so as to +suffer martyrdom for God; others thirst for the salvation of their +neighbor, and some pant to see God in glory. All this is excellent. But +he who rests in the divine will, although he may be exempt from all +these desires, is infinitely more content, and glorifies God more. It +is written concerning Jesus Christ, when he drove out of the temple +those who profaned it. "The zeal of thine house hath eaten me up." John +2:17. It was in that moment of the order of God, that these words had +their effect. How many times had Jesus Christ been in the temple +without such a conduct? Does not He occasionally say of Himself, that +His hour was not yet come? + + + + +CHAPTER 11 + + +After Father La Combe returned from Rome, well approved, and furnished +with testimonials of life and doctrine, he performed his functions of +preaching and confessing as usual. I gave him an account of what I had +done and suffered in his absence, and what care God had taken of all my +concerns. I saw his providence incessantly extended to the very +smallest things. After having been several months without any news of +my papers, when some pressed me to write, and blamed my neglect, an +invisible hand held me back; my peace and confidence were great. I +received a letter from the ecclesiastic at home, which informed me that +he had orders to come and see me, and bring my papers. I had sent to +Paris for a pretty considerable bundle of things for my daughter. I +heard they were lost on the lake, and could learn no further tidings +about them. + +I gave myself no trouble; I always thought they would be found. The man +who had taken charge of them made a search after them a whole month, in +all the environs, without hearing any news. At the end of three months +they were brought to me, having been found in the house of a poor man, +who had not opened them, nor knew who brought them there. Once I had +sent for all the money which was to serve me a whole year; the person +who had been to receive cash for the bill of exchange, having put that +money in two bags on horseback, forgot that it was there, and gave the +horse to a little boy to lead. The money fell from the horse in the +middle of the market at Geneva. That instant I arrived, coming on the +other side, and having alighted from my litter, the first thing I found +was my money. What was surprising, a great throng was in this place and +not one had perceived it. Many such things have attended me. These +accounts may suffice to show the continual protection of God. + +The Bishop of Geneva continued to persecute me. When he wrote, it was +with politeness and thanks for my charities at Gex; while at the same +time he said to others that I "gave nothing to that house." He wrote +against me to the Ursulines with whom I lived, charging them to hinder +me from having any conferences with Father La Combe. The superior of +the house, a man of merit, and the prioress, as well as the community, +were so irritated at this, that they could not forbear testifying it to +him. He then excused himself with a pretended respect, saying, he did +not mean it that way. They wrote to him that "I did not see the Father +but at the confessional, and not in conference; that they were so much +edified by me, as to think themselves happy in having me, and to esteem +it a greater favor from God." What they said out of pure charity was +not pleasing to the Bishop, who, seeing they loved me in this house, +said, that I won over everybody to myself and that he wished I were out +of the diocese. Though I knew all this, and these good sisters were +troubled at it, I could have no trouble by reason of the calm +establishment which I was in. The will of God rendering everything +equal to me. The creatures, however unreasonable or passionate they +appear, not being regarded in themselves but in God; an habitual faith +causes everything to be seen in God without distinction. Thus, when I +see poor souls so ruffled for discourses in the air, so uneasy for +explanations, I pity them. They have reasons, I know, which self-love +causes to appear very just. + +To relieve myself a little from the fatigue of continual conversation, +I desired Father La Combe to allow me a retreat. It was then that I let +myself be consumed by love all the day long. Also I perceived the +quality of a spiritual mother; for the Lord gave me what I cannot +express for the perfection of souls. This I could not hide from Father +La Combe. It seemed to me as if I entered into the inmost recesses of +his heart. Our Lord showed me he was His servant, chosen among a +thousand, singularly to honor Him; but that He would lead him through +total death, and the entire destruction of the old man. He would have +me contribute thereto and be instrumental to cause him to walk in the +way in which He had led me first; in order that I might be in a +condition to direct others, to tell them the way through which I have +passed. The Lord would have us to be conformed, and to become both one +in Him; though my soul was more advanced now, yet he should one day +pass beyond it, with a bold and rapid flight. God knows with what joy I +would see my spiritual children surpass their mother. + +In this retreat I felt a strong propensity to write, but resisted it +till I fell sick. I had nothing to write about, not one idea to begin +with. It was a divine impulse, with such a fulness of grace as was hard +to contain. I opened this disposition of mine to Father La Combe. He +answered that he had a strong impulse to command me to write, but had +not dared to do it yet, on account of my weakness. I told him, that +"weakness was the effect of my resistance," and I believed it would, +through my writing, go off again. He asked, "But what is it you will +write?" + +I replied, "I know nothing of it, nor desire to know, leaving it +entirely to God to direct me." + +He ordered me to do so. At my taking the pen I knew not the first word +I should write; when I began, suitable matter flowed copiously, nay, +impetuously. As I was writing I was relieved and grew better. I wrote +an entire treatise on the interior path of faith, under the comparison +of torrents, or of streams and rivers. + +As the way, wherein God now conducted Father La Combe, was very +different from that in which he had formerly walked (all light, +knowledge, ardor, assurance, sentiment) now the poor, low, despised +path of faith, and of nakedness; he found it very hard to submit +thereto. Who could express what it has cost my heart before he was +formed according to the will of God? + +Meanwhile, the possession which the Lord had of my soul became every +day stronger, insomuch that I passed whole days without being able to +pronounce one word. The Lord was pleased to make me pass wholly into +Him by an entire internal transformation. He became more and more the +absolute master of my heart, to such a degree as not to leave me a +movement of my own. This state did not hinder me from condescending to +my sister, and the others in the house. Nevertheless, the useless +things with which they were taken up could not interest me. That was +what induced me to ask leave to make a retreat, to let myself be +possessed of Him who holds me so closely to Himself after an ineffable +manner. + + + + +CHAPTER 12 + + +I had at that time so ardent a desire for the perfection of Father La +Combe, and to see him thoroughly die to himself, that I could have +wished him all the crosses and afflictions imaginable, that might +conduce to this great and blessed end. Whenever he was unfaithful, or +looked at things in any other light than the true one--to tend to this +death of self--I felt myself on the rack, which, as I had till then +been so indifferent, very much surprised me. To the Lord I made my +complaint; He graciously encouraged me, both on this subject and on +that entire dependence on Himself which He gave me, which was such that +I was like a new born infant. + +My sister had brought me a maid, whom God was willing to give me to +fashion according to His will, not without some crucifixion to myself. +I believe it never is to fall out, that our Lord will give me any +persons without giving them wherewith to make me suffer, whether it be +for the purpose of drawing them into a spiritual life, or never to +leave me without the cross. She was one on whom the Lord had conferred +very singular graces. She was in high reputation in the country, where +she passed for a saint. Our Lord brought her to me, to let her see the +difference between the sanctity conceived and comprised in those gifts, +with which she was endowed, and that which is obtained by our entire +destruction, even by the loss of those very gifts, and of all that +raised us in the esteem of men. Our Lord had given her the same +dependence on me, as I had in regard to Father La Combe. + +This girl fell grievously sick. I was willing to give her all the +assistance in my power, but I found I had nothing to do but to command +her bodily sickness, or the disposition of her mind; all that I said +was done. It was then that I learned what it was to command by the +Word, and to obey by the Word. It was Jesus Christ in me equally +commanding and obeying. + +She, however, continued sick for sometime. One day, after dinner, I was +moved to say to her, "Rise and be no longer sick." She arose and was +cured. The nuns were very much astonished. They knew nothing of what +had passed, but saw her walking, who in the morning had appeared to be +in the last extremity. They attributed her disorder to a vivid +imagination. + +I have at sundry times experienced, and felt in myself, how much God +respects the freedom of man, even demands his free concurrence; for +when I said, "Be healed," or, "Be free from your troubles," if such +persons acquiesced, the Word was efficacious, and they were healed. If +they doubted, or resisted, though under fair pretexts, saying, "I shall +be healed when it pleases God, I will not be healed till He wills it;" +or, in the way of despair, "I cannot be healed; I will not quit my +condition," then the Word had no effect. I felt in myself that the +divine virtue retired in me. I experienced what our Lord said, when the +woman afflicted with the issue of blood touched him. He instantly +asked, "Who touched me?" The apostles said, "Master, the multitude +throng thee, and press thee; and sayest thou, Who touched me?" He +replied, "It is because virtue hath gone out of me" (Luke 8:45, 46). +Jesus Christ had caused that healing virtue to flow, through me, by +means of His Word. When that virtue met not with a correspondence in +the subject, I felt it suspended in its source. That gave me some pain. +I should be, as it were, displeased with those persons; but when there +was no resistance, but a full acquiescence, this divine virtue had its +full effect. Healing virtue has so much power over things inanimate, +yet the least thing in man either restrains it, or stops it entirely. + +There was a good nun much afflicted and under a violent temptation. She +went to declare her case to a sister whom she thought very spiritual, +and in a condition capable of assisting her. But far from finding +succor, she was very much discouraged and cast down. The other despised +and repulsed her, and treating her with contempt and rigor, she said, +"Don't come near me, since you are that way." This poor girl, in a +frightful distress, came to me thinking herself undone on account of +what the sister had said to her. I consoled her and our Lord relieved +her immediately. But I could not forbear telling her that assuredly the +other would be punished, and would fall into a state worse than hers. +The sister who had used her in such a manner came also to me, highly +pleased with herself in what she had done, saying, she abhorred such +tempted creatures. As for herself, she was proof against such sorts of +temptations, and that she never had a bad thought. I said to her, "My +sister, from the friendship I have for you I wish you the pain of her +who spoke to you, and even one still more violent." + +She answered haughtily, "If you were to ask it from God for me, and I +ask of Him the contrary, I believe I shall be heard at least as soon as +you." + +I answered with great firmness, "If it be only my own interests which I +ask, I shall not be heard; but if it be those of God only, and yours +too, I shall be heard sooner than you are aware." That very night she +fell into so violent a temptation that one equal to it has seldom been +known. It was then she had ample occasion to acknowledge her own +weakness, and what she would be without grace. She conceived at first a +violent hatred for me, saying that I was the cause of her pain. But it +served her, as the clay did to enlighten him who had been born blind. +She soon saw very well what had brought on her so terrible a state. + +I fell sick even to extremity. This sickness proved a means to cover +the great mysteries which it pleased God to operate in me. Scarce ever +was a disorder more extraordinary, or of longer continuance in its +excess. Several times I saw in dreams Father La Mothe raising +persecutions against me. Our Lord let me know that this would be and +that Father La Combe would forsake me in the time of persecution. I +wrote to him, and it disquieted him greatly. He thought his heart was +united to the will of God and too desirous of serving me, to admit such +desertion; yet it has since been found quite true. He was now to preach +during Lent, and was so much followed, that people came five leagues, +to pass several days for the benefit of his ministry. I heard he was so +sick that he was thought to die. I prayed to the Lord to restore his +health, and enable him to preach to the people, who were longing to +hear him. My prayer was heard, and he soon recovered, and resumed his +pious labors. + +During this extraordinary sickness, which continued more than six +months, the Lord gradually taught me that there was another manner of +conversing among souls wholly His, than by speech. Thou madest me +conceive, O divine Word, that as Thou art ever speaking and operating +in a soul, though therein thou appearest in profound silence; so there +was also a way of communication in thy creatures, in an ineffable +silence. I heard then a language which before had been unknown to me. I +gradually perceived, when Father La Combe entered, that I could speak +no more. There was formed in my soul the same kind of silence toward +him, as was formed in it in regard to God. I comprehended that God was +willing to show me that men might in this life learn the language of +angels. I was gradually reduced to speak to him only in silence. It was +then that we understood each other in God, after a manner unutterable +and divine. Our hearts spoke to each other, communicating a grace which +no words can express. It was like a new country, both for him and for +me; but so divine, that I cannot describe it. At first this was done in +a manner so perceptible, that is to say, God penetrated us with Himself +in a manner so pure and so sweet, that we passed hours in this profound +silence, always communicative, without being able to utter one word. It +was in this that we learned, by our own experience, the operations of +the heavenly Word to reduce souls into unity with itself, and what +purity one may arrive at in this life. It was given me to communicate +this way to other good souls, but with this difference: I did nothing +but communicate to them the grace with which they were filled, while +near me, in this sacred silence, which infused into them an +extraordinary strength and grace; but I received nothing from them; +whereas with Father La Combe there was a flow and return of +communication of grace, which he received from me, and I from him, in +the greatest purity. + +In this long malady the love of God, and of Him alone, made up my whole +occupation, I seemed so entirely lost to Him, as to have no sight of +myself at all. It seemed as if my heart never came out of that divine +ocean, having been drawn into it through deep humiliations. Oh, happy +loss, which is the consummation of bliss, though operated through +crosses and through deaths! + +Jesus was then living in me and I lived no more. These words were +imprinted in me, as a real state into which I must enter, (Matt. 8:20) +"The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son +of Man hath not where to lay his head." This I have since experienced +in all its extent, having no sure abode, no refuge among friends, who +were ashamed of me, and openly renounced me, when universally decried; +nor among my relations, most of whom declared themselves my +adversaries, and were my greatest persecutors; while others looked on +me with contempt and indignation. I might as David say, "For thy sake I +have borne reproach; shame hath covered my face; I am become a stranger +to my brethren, and an alien unto my mother's children; a reproach to +men, and despised of the people." + +He showed me all the world in a rage against me, without anyone daring +to appear for me and assured me in the ineffable silence of His eternal +Word, that He would give me vast numbers of children, which I should +bring forth by the cross. I left it to Him to do with me whatever He +pleased, esteeming my whole and sole interest to be placed entirely in +His divine will. He gave me to see how the Devil was going to stir up +an outrageous persecution against prayer, yet it should prove the +source of the same prayer, or rather the means which God would make use +of to establish it. He gave me to see farther how He would guide me +into the wilderness, where He would cause me to be nourished for a +time. The wings, which were to bear me thither, were the resignation of +my whole self to His holy will. I think I am at present in that +wilderness, separated from the whole world in my imprisonment. I see +already accomplished in part what was then shown me. Can I ever express +the mercies which my God has bestowed on me? No; they must ever remain +in Himself, being of a nature not to be described, by reason of their +purity and immensity. + +I was often to all appearance at the point of death. I fell into +convulsions from violent pains which lasted a long time with violence. +Father La Combe administered the sacrament to me, the Prioress of the +Ursulines having desired him to do it. I was well satisfied to die, as +was he also in the expectation of my departure. For, being united in +God after a manner so pure, and so spiritual, death could not separate +us. On the contrary it would have more closely united us. Father La +Combe, who was on his knees at my bedside, remarking the change of my +countenance, and how my eyes faded, seemed ready to give me up, when +God inspired him to lift up his hands, and with a strong voice, which +was heard by all who were in my room, at that time almost full, to +command death to relinquish its hold. Instantly it seemed to be +stopped. Thus God was pleased wonderfully to raise me up again; yet for +a long time I continued extremely weak, during all of which our Lord +gave me new testimonies of His love. How many times was He pleased to +make use of His servant to restore me to life, when I was almost on the +very point of expiring! As they saw that my sickness and pain did not +entirely end, they judged that the air of the lake on which the convent +was situated, was very prejudicial to my constitution. They concluded +that it would be necessary for me to remove. + +During my indisposition, our Lord put it into the heart of Father La +Combe to establish a hospital in this place for the poor people seized +with maladies, to institute also a committee or congregation of ladies +to furnish such as could not leave their families to go to the hospital +with the means of subsistence during their illness, after the manner of +France, there having been yet no institution of this kind in that +country. Willingly did I enter into it; and without any other fund than +Providence and some useless rooms which a gentleman of the town gave +us, we began it. We dedicated it to the holy Child Jesus, and He was +pleased to give the first beds to it from my pension. He gave such a +blessing that several other persons joined us in this charity. In a +short time there were nearly twelve beds in it and three persons of +great piety gave themselves to this hospital to serve it, who, without +any salary, consecrated themselves to the service of the poor patients. +I supplied them with ointments and medicines, which were freely given +to such of the poor people of the town as had need of them. These good +ladies were so hearty in the cause, that, through their charity, and +the care of the young women, this hospital was very well maintained and +served. These ladies joined together also in providing for the sick who +could not go to the hospital. I gave them some little regulations such +as I had observed when in France, which they continued to keep up with +tenderness and love. + +All these little things, which cost but little, and which owed all +their success to the blessing which God gave them, drew upon us new +persecutions. The Bishop of Geneva was offended with me more than ever, +especially in seeing that these small matters rendered me beloved. He +said that I won over everybody. He openly declared, "he could not bear +me in his diocese," though I had done nothing but good, or rather God +by me. He extended the persecution to those good religious women who +had been my assistants. The prioress in particular had her own share to +bear, though it did not last long. As I was obliged, on account of the +air, to remove, after having been there about two years and a half, +they were then more in peace and quietness. On another side, my sister +was very weary of this house; and as the season for the waters +approached, they took occasion from thence to send her away with the +maid which I brought with me, who had molested me exceedingly in my +late illness. I only kept her whom Providence had sent me by means of +my sister. I have ever thought that God had ordered my sister's journey +only to bring her to me, as one chosen of Him and proper for the state +which it was His pleasure to cause me to bear. + +While I was yet indisposed, the Ursulines, with the Bishop of Verceil, +earnestly requested the Father-general of the Barnabites, to seek among +the religious, a man of merit, piety and learning, in whom he might +place confidence, and who might serve him for a prebend and a +counselor. At first he cast his eyes on Father La Combe; yet before he +absolutely engaged him with the said bishop, he wrote to him, to know +whether he had any objection thereto. Father La Combe replied that he +had no other will but that of obeying him, and that he might command +him herein as he should think best in the case. He gave me an account +of this, and that we were going to be entirely separated. I was glad to +find that our Lord would employ him, under a bishop who knew him, and +would be likely to do him justice. Yet it was some time before he went, +matters not being all arranged. + + + + +CHAPTER 13 + + +I then went off from the Ursulines and they sought for a house for me +at a distance from the lake. There was but one to be found empty which +had the look of the greatest poverty. It had no chimney but in the +kitchen, through which one was obliged to pass. I took my daughter with +me and gave up the largest room for her and the maid who was to take +care of her. I was lodged in a little hole on straw, to which I went up +by ladder. As we had no other furniture but our beds, quite plain and +homely, I brought some straw chairs and some Dutch earthen and wooden +ware. Never did I enjoy a greater content than in this little hole, +which appeared so very conformable to the state of Jesus Christ. I +fancied everything better on wood than on plate. I laid in all my +provisions, hoping to stay there a long time; but the Devil did not +leave me long in such sweet peace. It would be difficult for me to tell +the persecutions which were stirred up against me. They threw stones in +at my windows which fell at my feet. I had put my little garden in +order. They came in the night, tore it all up, broke down the arbor, +and overturned everything in it, as if it had been ravaged by soldiers. +They came to abuse me at the door all night long, making such a racket +as if they were going to break it open. These persons have since told +who the person was that put them on such work. + +Though from time to time I continued my charities at Gex, I was not the +less persecuted for it. They offered one person a warrant to compel +Father La Combe to stay at Tonon, thinking he would otherwise be a +support to me in the persecution, but we prevented it. I knew not then +the designs of God, and that He would soon draw me from that poor +solitary place, in which I enjoyed a sweet and solid satisfaction, +notwithstanding the abuse. I thought myself happier here than any +sovereign on earth. It was for me like a nest and a place of repose and +Christ was willing that I should be like Him. The Devil, as I have +said, irritated my persecutors. They sent to desire me to go out of the +diocese. All the good which the Lord had caused me to do in it was +condemned, more than the greatest crimes. Crimes they tolerated, but me +they could not endure. All this while I never had any uneasiness or +repentance for my having left at all; not that I was assured of having +done the will of God therein. Such an assurance would have been too +much for me. But I could neither see nor regard anything, receiving +everything alike from the hand of God, who directed and disposed of +these crosses for me either in justice or in mercy. + +The Marchioness of Prunai, sister of the chief Secretary of State to +his Royal Highness (the Duke of Savoy) and his prime minister, had sent +an express from Turin, in the time of my illness, to invite me to come +to reside with her; and to let me know that, "being so persecuted as I +was in this diocese, I should find an asylum with her; that during that +time things might grow better; that when they should be well disposed +she would return with me and join me with a friend of mine from Paris, +who was willing also to come to labor there, according to the will of +God." I was not at that time in a condition to execute what she desired +and expected to continue with the Ursulines till things should change. +She then wrote to me about it no more. This lady is one of +extraordinary piety, who had quitted the splendor and noise of the +Court, for the more silent satisfaction of a retired life, and to give +herself up to God. With an eminent share of natural advantages, she has +continued a widow twenty-two years; has refused every offer of marriage +to consecrate herself to our Lord entirely and without any reserve. +When she knew that I had been obliged to leave the Ursulines, yet +without knowing anything of the manner in which I had been treated, she +procured a letter to oblige Father La Combe to go to pass some weeks at +Turin, for her own benefit, and to bring me with him thither, where I +should find a refuge. All this she did unknown to us. As she has told +us since, a superior force moved her to do it, without knowing the +cause. If she had deliberately reflected on it, being such a prudent +lady, she probably would not have done it; because the persecutions, +which the Bishop of Geneva procured us in that place, cost her more +than a little of humiliations. Our Lord permitted him to pursue me, +after a surprising manner, into all the places I have been in, without +giving me any relaxation. I never did him any harm, but on the +contrary, would have laid down my life for the good of his diocese. + +As this fell out without any design on our part, we, without +hesitation, believed it was the will of God; and thought it might be +the means of His appointment to draw us out of the reproach and +persecution we labored under, seeing myself chased on the one side, +desired on the other. It was concluded that Father La Combe should +conduct me to Turin, and that he should go from thence to Verceil. + +Beside him, I took with me a religious man of merit, who had taught +theology for fourteen years past, to take away from our enemies all +cause for slander. I also took with me a boy whom I had brought out of +France. They took horses, and I hired a carriage for my daughter, my +chambermaid and myself. But all precautions are useless, when it +pleases God to permit them to be frustrated. Our adversaries +immediately wrote to Paris. A hundred ridiculous stories were +circulated about this journey; comedies were acted on it, things +invented at pleasure, and as false as anything in the world could be. +It was my brother, Father de la Mothe, who was so active in uttering +all this stuff. Had he believed it to be true, he ought out of charity +to have concealed it; much more, being so very false. They said that I +was gone all alone with Father La Combe, strolling about the country, +from province to province, with many such fables, as weak and wicked as +they were incoherent and badly put together. We suffered all with +patience, without vindicating ourselves, or making any complaint. + +Scarcely were we arrived at Turin, but the Bishop of Geneva wrote +against us. As he could pursue us no other way, he did it by letters. +Father La Combe repaired to Verceil, and I staid at Turin, with the +Marchioness of Prunai. But what crosses was I assaulted with in my own +family, from the Bishop of Geneva, from the Barnabites, and from a vast +number of persons besides! My eldest son came to find me on the death +of my mother-in-law, which was an augmentation of my troubles. After we +had heard all his accounts of things and how they had made sales of all +the moveables, chosen guardians, and settled every article, without +consulting me. I seemed to be there entirely useless. It was judged not +proper for me to return, considering the rigor of the season. + +The Marchioness of Prunai, who had been so warmly desirous of my +company, seeing my great crosses and reproaches, looked coldly upon me. +My childlike simplicity, which was the state wherein God at that time +kept me, passed with her for stupidity. For when the question was to +help anyone, or about anything which God required of me, He gave me, +with the weakness of a child, the evident tokens of divine strength. +Her heart was quite shut up to me all the time I was there. Our Lord, +however, made me foretell events which should happen, which since that +time have actually been fulfilled, as well to herself as to her +daughter, and to the virtuous ecclesiastic who lived at her house. She +did not fail, at last, to conceive more friendship for me, seeing then +that Christ was in me. It was the force of self-love, and fear of +reproach, which had closed up her heart. Moreover, she thought her +state more advanced than in reality it was, by reason of her being +without tests; but she soon saw by experience that I had told her the +truth. She was obliged for family reasons to leave Turin, and go to +live on her own estate. She solicited me to go with her; but the +education of my daughter did not permit. To stay at Turin without her +seemed improper, because, having lived very retired in this place, I +made no acquaintance in it. I knew not which way to turn. The Bishop of +Verceil, where Father La Combe was, most obligingly wrote to me, +earnestly entreating me to come, promising me his protection, and +assuring me of his esteem, adding, "that he should look upon me as his +own sister; that he wished extremely to have me there." It was his own +sister, one of my particular friends, who had written to him about me, +as had also a French gentleman, an acquaintance of his. But a point of +honor kept me from it. I would not have it said that I had gone after +Father La Combe, and that I had come to Turin only for the purpose of +going to Verceil. He had also his reputation to preserve, which was the +cause that he could not agree to my going thither, however importunate +the Bishop was for it. Had we believed it to be the will of God, we +would both of us have passed over these considerations. God kept us +both in so great a dependence on His orders, that He did not let us +foreknow them; but the divine moment of His providence determined +everything. This proved of very great service to Father La Combe, who +had long walked in assurances, to die to them and to Himself. God by an +effect of His goodness, that he might thus die without any reserve, +took them all from him. + +During the whole time of my residence at Turin, our Lord conferred on +me very great favors. I found myself every day more transformed into +Him, and had continually more knowledge of the state of souls, without +ever being mistaken or deceived therein, though some were willing to +persuade me to think the contrary. I had used my utmost endeavors to +give myself other thoughts, which had caused me not a little pain. When +I told, or wrote to Father La Combe about the state of some souls, +which appeared to him more perfect and advanced than the knowledge +given to me of them, he attributed it to pride. He was angry with me, +and prejudiced against my state. I had no uneasiness on account of his +esteeming me the less, for I was not in a condition to reflect whether +he esteemed me or not. He could not reconcile my willing obedience in +most things, with so extraordinary a firmness, which in certain cases +he looked upon as criminal. He admitted a distrust of my grace; he was +not yet sufficiently confirmed in his way, nor did he duly comprehend, +that it did not in any wise depend on me to be one way or another. If I +had any such power I should have suited myself to what he said, to +spare myself the crosses which my firmness caused me. Or, at least, I +would have artfully dissembled my real sentiments. I could do neither. +Were all to perish by it, I was in such a manner constrained, that I +could not forbear telling him the things, just as our Lord directed me +to tell them to him. In this he had given me an inviolable fidelity to +the very last. No crosses or pains have ever made me fail a moment +therein. These things then, which appeared to him to be the strong +prejudice of a conceited opinion, set him at variance against me. +Though he did not openly show it, on the contrary tried to conceal it +from me; yet how far distant soever he were from me, I could not be +ignorant of it. My spirit felt it, and that more or less, as the +opposition was stronger or weaker; as soon as it abated or ended, my +pain, occasioned thereby, ceased. He also, on his side, experienced the +same. He has told me and written to me many times over, "When I stand +well with God, I find I am well with you. When I am otherwise with Him, +I then find myself to be so with you also." Thus he saw clearly that +when God received him, it was always in uniting him to me, as if He +would accept of nothing from him but in this union. + +While he was at Turin, a widow who was a good servant of God, all in +the brightness of sensibility, came to him to confess. She uttered +wonderful things of her state. I was then at the other side of the +confessional. He told me, "He had met with a soul given up to God; that +it was she who was present; that he was very much edified by her; that +he was far from finding the like in me; that I operated nothing but +death upon his soul." At first I rejoiced at his having met with such a +holy soul. It ever gives me the highest joy to see my God glorified. As +I was returning, the Lord showed me clearly the state of that soul, as +only a beginning of devotion mixed with affection and a little silence, +filled with a new sensation. This and more, as it was set before me, I +was obliged to write to him. On his first reading of my letter he +discovered the stamp of truth in it; but soon after, letting in again +his old reflections, he viewed all I wrote in the light of pride. He +still had in his mind the ordinary rules of humility conceived and +comprised after our manner. As to me, I let myself be led as a child, +who says and does, without distinction, whatever it is made to say and +do. I left myself to be led wheresoever my heavenly Father pleased, +high or low; all was alike good to me. + +He wrote to me, that, at his first reading of my letter there appeared +in it something of truth; but that on reading it over again, he found +it to be full of pride, and of preference of my own discernments to +that of others. Some time after he was more enlightened in regard to +the state I was in. He then said, "continue to believe as you have +done; I encourage and exhort you to do it." Some time after he +sufficiently discovered, by that person's manner of acting, that she +was very far from what he had thought. I give this as only one +instance. I might give many others, but this may suffice. + + + + +CHAPTER 14 + + +One night in a dream our Lord showed me, that He would also purify the +maid whom He had given me, make her truly enter into death to herself. +I freely resolved to suffer for her, as I did for Father La Combe. As +she resisted God much more than he, and was much more under the power +of self-love, she had more to be purified from. What I could not +tolerate in her was her regard for herself. I saw clearly that the +devil cannot hurt us only so far as we retain some fondness for this +corrupt self. This sight was from God. He gave me the discerning of +spirits, which would ever accept what was from Him, or reject what was +not; that not from any common methods of judging, not from any outward +information, but by an inward principle which is His gift alone. + +It is needful to mention here that souls which are yet in themselves, +whatever degree of light and ardor they have attained, are unqualified +for it. They often think they have this discernment, when it is nothing +else but sympathy or antipathy of nature. Our Lord destroyed in me +every sort of natural antipathy. The soul must be very pure, and +depending on God alone, that all these things may be experienced in +Him. In proportion as this maid became inwardly purified, my pain +abated, till the Lord let me know her state was going to be changed, +which soon happily ensued. In comparison of inward pain for souls, +outward persecutions, though ever so violent, scarce gave me any. + +The Bishop of Geneva wrote to different persons. He wrote in my favor +to such as he thought would show me his letters, and quite the contrary +in the letters which he thought I would never see. It was so ordered +that these persons, having showed each other their letters received +from him, were struck with indignation to see in him so shameful a +duplicity. They sent me those letters that I might take proper +precautions. I kept them two years, and then burned them, not to hurt +the prelate. The strongest battery he raised against me was what he did +with the Secretary of State, who held that post in conjunction with the +Marchioness of Prunai's brother. He used all imaginable endeavors to +render me odious. He employed certain abbots for that purpose, insomuch +that, though I appeared very little abroad, I was well known by the +description this bishop had given of me. This did not make so much +impression as it would have done, if he had appeared in a better light +at Court. Some letters of his, which her royal highness found after the +prince's death, written to him against her, had effect on the princess, +that, instead of taking any notice of what he now wrote against me, she +showed me great respect. She sent her request to me to come to see her. +Accordingly I waited on her. She assured me of her protection, and that +she was glad of my being in her dominions. + +It pleased God here to make use of me to the conversion of two or three +ecclesiastics. But I had much to suffer from their repugnances and many +infidelities--one of whom had vilified me greatly--and even after his +conversion turned aside into his old ways. God at length graciously +restored him. + +As I was undetermined whether I should place my daughter at the +Visitation of Turin, or take some other course; I was exceedingly +surprised, at a time I least expected it, to see Father La Combe arrive +from Verceil. He told me that I must return to Paris without any delay. +It was in the evening, and he said, "set off the next morning." I +confess this sudden news startled me. It was for me a double sacrifice +to return to a place where they had cried me down so much; also toward +a family which held me in contempt, and who had represented my journey, +caused by pure necessity, as a voluntary course, pursued through human +attachments. Behold me then disposed to go off, without offering a +single word in reply, with my daughter and my maid, without anybody to +guide and attend us. Father La Combe was resolved not to accompany me, +not so much as passing the mountains. The Bishop of Geneva had written +on all sides that I was gone to Turin to run after him. But the Father +Provincial, who was a man of quality, and well acquainted with the +virtue of Father La Combe, told him, that it was improper and unsafe to +venture on these mountains, without some person of acquaintance; the +more as I had my little daughter with me. He therefore ordered him to +accompany me. Father La Combe confessed to me that he had some +reluctance to do it, and only obedience, and the danger to which I +should have been exposed, made him surmount it. He was only to +accompany me to Grenoble, and from thence to return to Turin. I went +off then, designing for Paris, there to suffer whatever crosses and +trials it should please God to inflict. + +What made me go by Grenoble was the desire I had to spend two or three +days with a lady, an eminent servant of God, and one of my friends. +When I was there Father La Combe and that lady spoke to me not to go +any farther. God would glorify Himself in me and by me in that place. +He returned to Verceil, and I left myself to be conducted as a child by +Providence. This lady took me to the house of a good widow, there not +being accommodations at the inn. As I was ordered to stop at Grenoble, +at her house I resided. I placed my daughter in a convent, and resolved +to employ all this time in resigning myself to be possessed in solitude +by Him who is the absolute Sovereign of my soul. I made not any visit +in this place; no more had I in any of the others where I had +sojourned. I was greatly surprised when, a few days after my arrival, +there came to see me several persons who made profession of a singular +devotion to God. I perceived immediately a gift which He had given me, +of administering to each that which suited their states. I felt myself +invested, all of a sudden, with the apostolic state. I discerned the +conditions of the souls of such persons as spoke to me, and that with +so much facility, that they were surprised at it, and said one to +another, that I gave every one of them "the very thing they had stood +in need of." It was thou, O my God, who didst all these things; some of +them sent others to me. It came to such excess, that, generally from +six in the morning till eight in the evening, I was taken up in +speaking of the Lord. People flocked on all sides, far and near, +friars, priests, men of the world, maids, wives, widows, all came one +after another. The Lord supplied me with what was pertinent and +satisfactory to them all, after a wonderful manner, without any share +of my study or meditation therein. Nothing was hid from me of their +interior state, and of what passed within them. Here, O my God, Thou +madest an infinite number of conquests known to Thyself only. They were +instantly furnished with a wonderful facility of prayer. God conferred +on them His grace plentifully, and wrought marvelous changes in them. +The most advanced of these souls found, when with me, in silence, a +grace communicated to them which they could neither comprehend, nor +cease to admire. The others found an unction in my words, and that they +operated in them what I said. Friars of different orders, and priests +of merit, came to see me, to whom our Lord granted very great favors, +as indeed He did to all, without exception, who came in sincerity. + +One thing was surprising; I had not a syllable to say to such as came +only to watch my words, and to criticize them. Even when I thought to +try to speak to them, I felt that I could not, and that God would not +have me do it. Some of them in return said, "The people are fools to go +to see that lady. She cannot speak." Others of them treated me as if I +were only a stupid simpleton. After they left me there came one and +said, "I could not get hither soon enough to apprize you not to speak +to those persons; they come from such and such, to try what they can +catch from you to your disadvantage." I answered them, "Our Lord has +prevented your charity; for I was not able to say one word to them." + +I felt that what I spoke flowed from the fountain, and that I was only +the instrument of Him who made me speak. Amid this general applause, +our Lord made me comprehend what the apostolic state was, with which He +had honored me; that to give one's self up to the help of souls, in the +purity of His Spirit, was to expose one's self to the most cruel +persecutions. These very words were imprinted on my heart: "To resign +ourselves to serve our neighbor is to sacrifice ourselves to a gibbet. +Such as now proclaim, 'Blessed is he who cometh in the name of the +Lord,' will soon cry out, 'Away with him, crucify him.'" When one of my +friends speaking of the general esteem the people had for me, I said to +her, "Observe what I now tell you, that you will hear curses cut of the +same mouths which at present pronounce blessings." Our Lord made me +comprehend that I must be conformable to Him in all His states; and +that, if He had continued in a private life with His parents, He never +had been crucified; that, when He would resign any of His servants to +crucifixion, He employed such in the ministry and service of their +neighbors. It is certain that all the souls employed herein by +apostolic destination from God, and who are truly in the apostolic +state, are to suffer extremely. I speak not of those who put themselves +into it, who, not being called of God in a singular manner, and having +nothing of the grace of the apostleship, have none of its crosses; but +of those only who surrender themselves to God without any reserve, and +who are willing with their whole hearts to be exposed, for His sake, to +sufferings without any mitigation. + + + + +CHAPTER 15 + + +Among so great a number of good souls, on whom our Lord wrought much by +me, some were given me only as plants to cultivate. I knew their state, +but had not that near connection with, or authority over them, which I +had over others. It was then that I comprehended the true maternity +beyond what I had done before; for those of the latter kind were given +me as children, of whom some were faithful. I knew they would be so; +they were closely united to me in pure charity. Others were unfaithful; +I knew that of these some would never return from their infidelity, and +they were taken from me. Some, after slipping aside, were recovered. +Both of them cost me much distress and inward pain, when, for want of +courage to die to themselves, they gave up the point; and revolted from +the good beginning they had been favored with. + +Our Lord, among such multitudes as followed Him on earth, had few true +children. Wherefore He said to His Father, "Those that thou gavest me I +have kept, and none of them is lost but the son of perdition," showing +that He lost not any beside of His apostles, or disciples, though they +sometimes made false steps. + +Among the friars who came to see me, there was one order which +discovered the good effects of grace more than any other. Some of that +very order had before this, in a little town where Father La Combe was +in the exercise of his mission, been actuated with a false zeal, and +violent in persecuting all the good souls which had sincerely dedicated +themselves to God, plaguing them after such a manner as can scarce be +conceived. They burned all their books which treated of silence and +inward prayer, refusing absolution to such as were in the practice of +it, driving into consternation, and almost into despair, such as had +formerly led wicked lives, but were now reformed, and preserved in +grace by means of prayer, becoming spotless and blameless in their +conduct. These friars had proceeded to such an excess of wild zeal as +to raise a sedition in that town, in which a father of the oratory, a +person of distinction and merit, received strokes with a stick in the +open street, because he prayed extempore in the evenings, and on +Sundays made a short fervent prayer, which insensibly habituated these +good souls to the use and practice of the like. + +I never had so much consolation as to see in this little town so many +pious souls who with a heavenly emulation gave up their whole hearts to +God. There were girls of twelve or thirteen years of age, who +industriously followed their work almost all the day long, in silence, +and in their employments enjoyed a communion with God, having acquired +a fixed habit. As these girls were poor, they placed themselves two and +two together, and such as could do it read to the others who could not. +One saw there the innocence of the primitive Christians revived. There +was in that town a poor laundress who had five children, and a husband +paralytic, lame in the right arm, and yet worse distempered in mind +than in body. He had little strength left for anything else than to +beat her. This poor woman bore it with all the meekness and patience of +an angel, while she by her labor supported him and his five children. +She had a wonderful gift of prayer, and amid her great suffering and +extreme poverty, preserved the presence of God, and tranquility of +mind. There was also a shopkeeper, and one who made locks, very much +affected with God. These were close friends. Sometimes the one and +sometimes the other read to this laundress; and they were surprised to +find that she was instructed by the Lord Himself in all they read to +her, and spoke divinely of it. + +Those friars sent for this woman, and threatened her much if she did +not leave off prayer, telling her it was only for churchmen to pray, +and that she was very bold to practice it. She replied, that "Christ +had commanded all to pray," that He had said, "What I say unto you I +say unto all" (Mark 13:33, 37), without specifying either priests or +friars; that without prayer she could not support her crosses and +poverty; that formerly she had lived without it, and then was very +wicked; that since she had been in the exercise of it, she had loved +God with all her soul; so that to leave off prayer was to renounce her +salvation, which she could not do. She added that they might take +twenty persons who had never practiced prayer, and twenty of those who +were in the practice of it. Then, said she, "Inform yourselves of the +lives of both sorts, and ye will see if ye have any reason to cry out +against prayer." Such words as these, from such a woman, one would +think might have fully convinced them; but instead of that, it only +irritated them the more. They assured her that she should have no +absolution till she promised them to desist from prayer. She said that +depended not on her, and that Christ is master of what He communicates +to His creatures, and of doing with it what He pleases. They refused +her absolution; and after railing at a good tailor, who served God with +his whole heart, they ordered all the books without exception, which +treated on prayer to be brought to them. They burned them with their +own hands in the public square. They were very much elated with their +performance; but all the town presently arose in an uproar. The +principal men went to the Bishop of Geneva, and complained to him of +the scandals of these new missionaries, so different from the others. +Speaking of Father La Combe, who had been there before them on his +mission, they said that these seemed as if they were sent to destroy +all the good he had done. The bishop was forced to come himself to that +town, and there to mount the pulpit, protesting that he had no share in +it, and that these fathers had pushed their zeal too far. The friars, +on the other side declared, they had done all they did, pursuant to the +orders given them. + +There were also at Tonon young women who had retired together, being +poor villagers, the better to earn their livelihood and to serve God. +One of them read from time to time, while the others were at work, and +not one went out without asking leave of the eldest. They wove +ribbands, or spun, the strong supporting the weak. They separated these +poor girls, and others beside them, in several villages, and drove them +out of the church. + +It was the friars of the very order whom our Lord made use of to +establish prayer in (I know not how) many places. Into the places where +they went, they carried a hundred times more books of prayer than those +which their brethren had burned. The hand of God appeared to me +wonderfully in these things. + +One day when I was sick, a brother who had skill in curing diseases, +came for a charitable collection, but hearing I was ill, came in to see +me, and gave me medicines proper for my disorder. We entered into a +conversation which revived in him the love he had for God, which he +acknowledged had been too much stifled by his occupations. I made him +comprehend that there was no employment which should hinder him from +loving God, and from being occupied within himself. He readily believed +me, as he already had a good share of piety, and of an interior +disposition. Our Lord conferred on him many favors, and gave him to be +one of my true children. + +I saw at this time, or rather experienced the ground on which God +rejects sinners from His bosom. All the cause of God's rejection is in +the will of the sinner. If that will submits, how horrible soever he +be, God purifies him in his love, and receives him into his grace; but +while that will rebels, the rejection continues. For want of ability +seconding his inclination, he should not commit the sin he is inclined +to, yet he never can be admitted into grace till the cause ceases, +which is this wrong will, rebellious to the divine law. If that once +submits, God then totally removes the effects of sin, which stain the +soul, by washing away the defilements which he has contracted. If that +sinner dies in the time that his will is rebellious and turned toward +sin, as death fixes forever the disposition of the soul, and the cause +of its impurity is ever subsisting, such soul can never be received +into God. Its rejection must be eternal, as there is such an absolute +opposition between essential purity and essential impurity. And as this +soul, from its own nature necessarily tends to its own center, it is +continually rejected of the Lord, by reason of its impurity, subsisting +not only in the effects, but in their cause. It is the same way in this +life. This cause, so long as it subsists, absolutely hinders the grace +of God from operating in the soul. But if the sinner comes to die truly +penitent, then the cause, which is the wrong will, being taken away, +there remains only the effect or impurity caused by it. He is then in a +condition to be purified. God of his infinite mercy has provided a +laver of love and of justice, a painful laver indeed, to purify this +soul. And as the defilement is greater or less, so is the pain; but +when the cause is utterly taken away, the pain entirely ceases. Souls, +are received into grace, as soon as the cause of sin ceases; but they +do not pass into the Lord Himself, till all its effects are washed +away. If they have not courage to let Him, in His own way and will, +thoroughly cleanse and purify them, they never enter into the pure +divinity in this life. + +The Lord incessantly solicits this will to cease to be rebellious, and +spares nothing on His side for this good end. The will is free, yet +grace follows it still. As soon as the will ceases to rebel, it finds +grace at the door, ready to introduce its unspeakable benefits. O, the +goodness of the Lord and baseness of the sinner, each of them amazing +when clearly seen! + +Before I arrived at Grenoble, the lady, my friend, saw in a dream that +our Lord gave me an infinite number of children all uniformly clad, +bearing on their habits the marks of candor and innocence. She thought +I was coming to take care of the children of the hospital. But as soon +as she told me, I discerned that it was not that which the dream meant; +but that our Lord would give me, by a spiritual fruitfulness, a great +number of children; that they would not be my true children, but in +simplicity, candor and innocence. So great an aversion I have to +artifice and disguise. + + + + +CHAPTER 16 + + +The physician of whom I have spoken, was disposed to lay open his heart +to me. Our Lord gave him through me all that was necessary for him; for +though disposed to the spiritual life, yet for want of courage and +fidelity he had not duly advanced in it. + +He had occasion to bring to me some of his companions who were friars; +and the Lord took hold of them all. It was at the very same time, that +the others of the same order were making all the ravages I have +mentioned, and opposing with all their might the Holy Spirit of the +Lord. I could not but admire to see how the Lord was pleased to make +amends for former damages, pouring out His Spirit in abundance on these +men, while the others were laboring vehemently against it, doing all +they could to destroy its dominion and efficacy in their +fellow-mortals. But those good souls instead of being staggered by +persecutions, grew the stronger by it. The Superior, and the master of +the novices of the house in which this doctor was declared against me, +without knowing me. They were grievously chagrined that a woman, as +they said, should be so much flocked to, and so much sought after. +Looking at things as they were in themselves, and not as they were in +the Lord, who does whatever pleases Him, they had contempt for the gift +which was lodged in so mean an instrument, instead of esteeming the +Lord and His grace. Yet this good brother at length got the superior to +come to see me, and thank me for the good which he said I had done. Our +Lord so ordered, that he found something in my conversation which +reached and took hold of him. At length he was completely brought over. +He it was, who some time after, being visitor, dispersed such a number +of those books, bought at their own charge, which the others had tried +utterly to destroy. Oh, how wonderful art Thou, my God! In all Thy ways +how wise, in all Thy conduct how full of love! How well Thou canst +frustrate all the false wisdom of men, and triumph over their vain +pretensions! + +There were in this noviciate many novices. The eldest of them grew so +very uneasy under his vocation, that he knew not what to do. So great +was his trouble that he could neither read, study, pray, nor do +scarcely any of his duties. His companion brought him to me. We spoke +awhile together, and the Lord discovered to me both the cause of his +disorder and its remedy. I told it to him; and he began to practice +prayer, even that of the heart. He was on a sudden wonderfully changed, +and the Lord highly favored him. As I spoke to him grace wrought in his +heart, and his soul drank it in, as the parched ground does the gentle +rain. He felt himself relieved of his pain before he left the room. He +then readily, joyfully, and perfectly performed all his exercises, +which before were done with reluctance and disgust. He now both studied +and prayed easily, and discharged all his duties, in such a manner, +that he was scarce known to himself or to others. What astonished him +most was a remarkable gift of prayer. He saw that there was readily +given him what he could never have before, whatever pains he took for +it. This enlivening gift was the principle which made him act, gave him +grace for his employments, and an inward fruition of the grace of God, +which brought all good with it. He gradually brought me all the +novices, all of whom partook of the effects of grace, though +differently, according to their different temperaments. Never was there +a more flourishing noviciate. + +The master and superior could not forbear admiring so great a change in +their novices, though they did not know the cause of it. One day, as +they were speaking of it to the collector, for they esteemed him highly +on account of his virtue, he said, "My fathers, if you will permit me, +I will tell you the reason of it. It is the lady against whom you have +exclaimed so much without knowing her, whom God has made use of for all +of this." They were very surprised; and both the master, though +advanced in age, and his superior then submitted humbly to practice +prayer, after the manner taught by a little book, which the Lord +inspired me to write, and of which I shall say more hereafter. They +reaped such benefit from it, that the superior said to me, "I am become +quite a new man. I could not practice prayer before, because my +reasoning faculty was grown dull and exhausted; but now I do it as +often as I will, with ease, with much fruit, and a quite different +sensation of the presence of God." And the master said, "I have been a +friar these forty years, and can truly say that I never knew how to +pray; nor have I ever known or tasted of God, as I have done since I +read that little book." + +Many others were gained to God, whom I looked on to be my children. He +gave me three famous friars, of an order by which I have been, and +still am, very much persecuted. He made me also of service to a great +number of nuns, of virtuous young women, and even men of the world; +among the rest a young man of quality, who had quitted the order of the +knights of Malta, to take that of the priesthood. He was the relation +of a bishop near him, who had other designs of preferment for him. He +has been much favored of the Lord, and is constant in prayer. I could +not describe the great number of souls which were then given me, as +well maids, as wives, priests and friars. But there were three curates, +one canon, and one grand-vicar, who were more particularly given me. +There was one priest for whom I suffered much, through his not being +willing to die to himself, and loving himself too much. With a sad +regret I saw him decaying, falling away. As for the others there are +some of them who have continued stedfast and immovable, and some whom +the tempest has shaken a little, but not torn away. Though these start +aside, yet they still return. But those who are snatched quite away +return no more. + +There was one true daughter given me, whom our Lord made use of to gain +many others to Him. She was in a strange state of death when I first +saw her, and by me He gave her life and peace. She afterward, fell +extremely ill. The doctors said she would die; but I had an assurance +of the contrary, and that God would make use of her to gain souls, as +he has done. There was in a monastery a young woman confined in a state +of distraction. I saw her, knew her case, and that it was not what they +thought it was. As soon as I had spoken to her she recovered. But the +prioress did not like that I should tell her my thoughts of it, because +the person who had brought her thither was her friend. They plagued her +more than before, and threw her back again into her distraction. + +A sister of another monastery had been for eight years in a deep +melancholy unrelieved by anyone. Her director increased it, by +practicing remedies contrary to her disorder. I had never been in that +monastery; for I did not go into such places, unless I was sent for, as +I did not think it right to intrude, but left myself to be conducted of +Providence. I was very much surprised that at eight o'clock at night +one came for me from the prioress. It was in the long days of summer, +and being near, I went. I met with a sister who told me her case. She +had gone to such excess, that seeing no remedy for it, she had taken a +knife to kill herself. The knife fell out of her hand and a person +coming to see her had advised her to speak to me. Our Lord made me know +at first what the matter was; and that He required her to resign +herself to Him, instead of resisting Him as they had made her do for +eight years. I was instrumental to draw her into such a resignation, +that she entered at once into a peace of paradise; all her pains and +troubles were instantly banished; and never returned again. She has the +greatest capacity of any in the house. She was presently so changed as +to be the admiration of the whole community. Our Lord gave her a very +great gift of prayer and His continual presence, with a faculty and +readiness for everything. A domestic also, who had troubled her for +twenty-two years past, was delivered from her troubles. That produced a +close tie of friendship between the prioress and me, as the wonderful +change and the peace of this sister surprised her, she having so often +seen her in her terrible sorrow. I also contracted other such ties in +this monastery, where there are souls under the Lord's special regard, +whom He drew to Himself by the means He had been pleased to make +choice. + +I was specially moved to read the Holy Scriptures. When I began I was +impelled to write the passage, and instantly its explication was given +me, which I also wrote, going on with inconceivable expedition, light +being poured in upon me in such a manner, that I found I had in myself +latent treasures of wisdom and knowledge which I had not yet known of. +Before I wrote I knew not what I was going to write. And after I had +written, I remembered nothing of what I had penned; nor could I make +use of any part of it for the help of souls. The Lord gave me, at the +time I spoke to them (without any study or reflection of mine) all that +was necessary for them. Thus the Lord made me go on with an explanation +of the holy internal sense of the Scriptures. I had no other book but +the Bible, nor ever made use of any but that, and without even seeking +for any. When, in writing on the Old Testament, I made use of passages +of the New, to support what I had said, it was without seeking them, +they were given me along with the explication; and in writing on the +New Testament, therein making use of passages of the Old, they were +given me in like manner without my seeking anything. I had scarce any +time for writing but in the night, allowing only one or two hours to +sleep. The Lord made me write with so much purity, that I was obliged +to leave off or begin again, as He was pleased to order. When I wrote +by day, often suddenly interrupted, I left the word unfinished, and He +afterward gave me what He pleased. If I gave way to reflection I was +punished for it, and could not proceed. Yet sometimes I was not duly +attentive to the divine Spirit, thinking I did well to continue when I +had time, even without feeling His immediate impulse or enlightning +influence, from whence it is easy to see some places clear and +consistent, and others which have neither taste nor unction; such is +the difference of the Spirit of God from the human and natural spirit. +Although they are left just as I wrote them, yet I am ready, if +ordered, to adjust them according to my present light. + +Didst thou not, O my God, turn me a hundred ways, to prove whether I +was without any reserve, through every kind of trial, or whether I had +not yet some little interest for myself? My soul became hereby readily +too pliable to every discovery of the divine will, and whatever kind of +humiliations attended me to counterbalance my Lord's favors, till +everything, high or low, was rendered alike to me. + +Methinks the Lord acts with His dearest friends as the sea with its +waves. Sometimes it pushes them against the rocks where they break in +pieces, sometimes it rolls them on the sand, or dashes them on the +mire, then instantly it retakes them into the depths of its own bosom, +where they are absorbed with the same rapidity that they were first +ejected. Even among the good the far greater part are souls only of +mercy; surely that is well; but to appertain to divine justice, oh, how +rare and yet how great! Mercy is all distributive in favor of the +creature, but justice destroys everything of the creature, without +sparing anything. + +The lady, who was my particular friend, began to conceive some jealousy +on the applause given me, God so permitting if for the farther +purification of her soul, through this weakness, and the pain it caused +her. Also some confessors began to be uneasy, saying that it was none +of my business to invade their province, and to meddle in the helps of +souls; that there were some of the penitents which had a great +affection for me. It was easy for me to observe the difference between +those confessors who, in their conducting of souls, seek nothing but +God, and those who seek themselves therein. The first came to see me, +and rejoiced greatly at the grace of God bestowed on their penitents, +without fixing their attention on the instrument. The others, on the +contrary, tried underhand to stir up the town against me. I saw that +they would be in the right to oppose me, if I had intruded of myself; +but I could do nothing but what the Lord made me do. At times there +came some to dispute and oppose me. Two friars came, one of them a man +of profound learning and a great preacher. They came separately, after +having studied a number of difficult things to propose to me. Though +they were matters far out of my reach, the Lord made me answer as +justly as if I had studied them all my life; after which I spoke to +them as He inspired me. They went away not only convinced and +satisfied, but affected with the love of God. + +I still continued writing with a prodigious swiftness; for the hand +could scarcely follow fast enough the Spirit which dictated. Through +the whole progress of so long a work I never altered my manner nor made +use of any other book than the Bible itself. The transcriber, whatever +diligence he used, could not copy in five days what I wrote in one +night. Whatever is good in it comes from God only. Whatever is +otherwise from myself; I mean from the mixture which I have made, +without duly attending to it, of my own impurity with his pure and +chaste doctrine. In the day I had scarcely time to eat, by reason of +the vast numbers of people which came thronging to me. I wrote the +canticles in a day and a half, and received several visits besides. + +Here I may add to what I have said about my writings, that a +considerable part of the book of Judges happened by some means to be +lost. Being desired to render that book complete, I wrote again the +places lost. Afterward when the people were about leaving the house, +they were found. My former and latter explications, on comparison, were +found to be perfectly conformable to each other, which greatly +surprised persons of knowledge and merit, who attested the truth of it. + +There came to see me a counselor of the parliament, a servant of God, +who finding on my table a tract on prayer, which I had written long +before, desired me to lend it. Having read it and liked it much, he +lent it to some friends, to whom he thought it might be of service. +Everyone wanted copies of it. He resolved therefore to have it printed. +The impression was begun, and proper approbations given to it. They +requested me to write a preface, which I did, and thus was that little +book printed. This counselor was one of my intimate friends, and a +pattern of piety. The book has already passed through five or six +editions; and our Lord has given a very great benediction to it. Those +good friars took fifteen hundred of them. The devil became so enraged +against me on account of the conquest which God made by me, that I was +assured he was going to stir up against me a violent persecution. All +that gave me no trouble. Let him stir up against me ever so strange +persecutions. I know they will all serve to the glory of my God. + + + + +CHAPTER 17 + + +A poor girl of very great simplicity, who earned her livelihood by her +labor, and was inwardly favored of the Lord, came all sorrowful to me, +and said, "Oh my mother, what strange things have I seen!" I asked what +they were, "Alas" said she, "I have seen you like a lamb in the midst +of a vast troop of furious wolves. I have seen a frightful multitude of +people of all ranks and robes, of all ages, sexes and conditions, +priests, friars, married men, maids and wives, with pikes, halberts and +drawn swords, all eager for your instant destruction. You let them +alone without stirring, or being surprised and without offering any way +to defend yourself. I looked on all sides to see whether anyone would +come to assist and defend you; but I saw not one." + +Some days after, those, who through envy were raising private batteries +against me, broke forth. Libels began to spread. Envious people wrote +against me, without knowing me. They said that I was a sorceress, that +it was by a magic power I attracted souls, that everything in me was +diabolical; that if I did charities, it was because I coined, and put +off false money, with many other gross accusations, equally false, +groundless and absurd. + +As the tempest increased every day, some of my friends advised me to +withdraw, but before I mention my leaving Grenoble, I must say +something farther of my state while here. + +It seemed to me that all our Lord made me do for souls, would be in +union with Jesus Christ. In this divine union my words, had wonderful +effect, even the formation of Jesus Christ in the souls of others. I +was in no wise able of myself to say the things I said. He who +conducted me made me say what He pleased, and as long as He pleased. To +some I was not permitted to speak a word; and to others there flowed +forth as it were a deluge of grace, and yet this pure love admitted not +of any superfluity, or a means of empty amusement. When questions were +asked, to which an answer were useless, it was not given me. It was the +same in regard to such as our Lord was pleased to conduct through death +to themselves, and who came to seek for human consolation. I had +nothing for them but what was purely necessary, and could proceed no +farther. I could at least only speak of indifferent things, in such +liberty as God allows, in order to suit everyone, and not to be +unsociable or disagreeable to any; but for His own word, He Himself is +the dispenser of it. Oh, if preachers were duly careful to speak only +in that spirit what fruits would they bring forth in the lives of the +hearers! With my true children I could communicate best in silence, in +the spiritual language of the divine Word. I had the consolation some +time before to hear one read in St. Augustine a conversation he had +with his mother. He complains of the necessity of returning from that +heavenly language to words. I sometimes said, "Oh, my Love, give me +hearts large enough to receive and contain the fulness bestowed on me." + +After this manner, when the Holy Virgin approached Elizabeth, a +wonderful commerce was maintained between Jesus Christ and St. John the +Baptist, who after this manifested no eagerness to come to see Christ, +but was drawn to retire into the desert, to receive the like +communications with the greatest plenitude. When he came forth to +preach repentance, he said, not that he was the Word, but only a Voice +which was sent to make way, or open a passage into the hearts of the +people for Christ the Word. He baptized only with water, for that was +his function; for, as the water in running off leaves nothing, so does +the Voice when it is past. But the Word baptized with the Holy Ghost, +because He imprinted Himself on souls, and communicated with them by +that Holy Spirit. It is not observed that Jesus Christ said anything +during the whole obscure part of His life, though it is true that not +any of His words shall be lost. Oh Love, if all thou hast said and +operated in silence were to be written, I think the whole world could +not contain the books that should be written. John 21:25. + +All that I experienced was shown me in the Holy Scripture. I saw with +admiration that there passed nothing within my soul which was not in +Jesus Christ and in the Holy Scriptures. I must pass over very many +things in silence, because they cannot be expressed. If they were +expressed they could not be understood or comprehended. + +I often felt much for Father La Combe, who was not yet fixed in his +state of interior death, but often rose and fell into alternatives. I +was made sensible that Father La Combe was a vessel of election, whom +God had chosen to carry His name among the Gentiles, and that He would +show him how much he must suffer for that name. A carnal world judges +carnally of them, and imputes to human attachment what is from the +purest grace. If this union by any deviation be broken, the more pure +and perfect it is, the more painfully will it be felt; the separation +of the soul from God by sin being worse than that from the body of +death. For myself I may say I had a continual dependence on God, in +every state; my soul was ever willing to obey every motion of His +Spirit. I thought there could not be anything in the world which He +could require from me, to which I would not give myself up readily and +with pleasure. I had no interest at all for myself. When God requires +anything from this wretched nothing, I find no resistance left in me to +do His will, how rigorous soever it may appear. If there is a heart in +the world of which Thou art the sole and absolute master, mine seems to +be one of that sort. Thy will, however rigorous, is its life and its +pleasure. + +To resume the thread of my story, the Bishop of Grenoble's Almoner +persuaded me to go for some time to Marseilles, to let the storm pass +over. He told me that I would be well received there, it being his +native soil, and that many people of merit were there. I wrote to +Father La Combe for his consent. He readily gave it. I might have gone +to Verceil; for the Bishop of Verceil had written me very obliging +letters, earnestly pressing me to come. But a human respect, and fear +of affording a handle to my enemies, gave me an extreme aversion +thereto. + +Beside the above, the Marchioness of Prunai, who, since my departure +from her, had been more enlightened by her own experience, having met +with a part of the things which I thought would befall her, had +conceived for me a very strong friendship and intimate union of spirit, +in such a manner that no two sisters could be more united than we. She +was extremely desirous that I would return to her, as I had formerly +promised her. But I could not resolve upon this, lest it should be +thought that I was gone after Father La Combe. There had been no room +given to anybody to accuse me of any indirect attachment to him; for +when it depended on myself not to continue with him, I did not do it. +The Bishop of Geneva had not failed to write against me to Grenoble, as +he had done to other places. His nephew had gone from house to house to +cry me down. All this was indifferent to me; and I did not cease to do +to his diocese all the good in my power. I even wrote to him in a +respectful manner; but his heart was too much closed to yield to +anything. + +Before I left Grenoble, that good girl I have spoken of came to me +weeping, and told me that I was going, and that I hid it from her, +because I would have nobody know it; but that the Devil would be before +me in all the places I should go to; that I was going to a town, where +I would scarce be arrived, before he would stir up the whole town +against me, and would do me all the harm he possibly could. What had +obliged me to conceal my departure, was my fear of being loaded with +visits, and testimonies of friendship from a number of good persons, +who had a very great affection for me. + +I embarked then upon the Rhone, with my maid and a young woman of +Grenoble, whom the Lord has highly favored through my means. The Bishop +of Grenoble's Almoner also accompanied me, with another very worthy +ecclesiastic. We met with many alarming accidents and wonderful +preservations; but those instant dangers, which affrighted others, far +from alarming me, augmented my peace. The Bishop of Grenoble's Almoner +was much astonished. He was in a desperate fright, when the boat struck +against a rock, and opened at the stroke. In his emotion looking +attentively at me, he observed that I did not change my countenance, or +move my eyebrows, retaining all my tranquillity. I did not so much as +feel the first emotions of surprise, which are natural to everybody on +those occasions, as they depend not on ourselves. What caused my peace +in such dangers as terrify others, was my resignation to God, and +because death is much more agreeable to me than life, if such were His +will, to which I desire to be ever patiently submissive. + +A man of quality, a servant of God, and one of my intimate friends had +given me a letter for a knight of Malta, who was very devout, and whom +I have esteemed since I have known him, as a man whom our Lord designed +to serve the order of Malta greatly, and to be its ornament and support +by his holy life. I had told him that I thought he should go thither, +and that God would assuredly make use of him to diffuse a spirit of +piety into many of the knights. He has actually gone to Malta, where +the first places were soon given him. This man of quality sent him my +little book of prayer and printed at Grenoble. He had a chaplain very +averse to the spiritual path. He took this book, and condemning it at +once, went to stir up a part of the town, and among the rest a set of +men who called themselves the seventy-two disciples of St. Cyran. I +arrived at Marseilles at ten o'clock in the morning, and that very +afternoon all was in a noise against me. Some went to speak to the +bishop, telling him that, on account of that book, it was necessary to +banish me from the city. They gave him the book which he examined with +one of his prebends. He liked it well. He sent for Monsieur Malaval and +a father Recollect, who he knew had come to see me a little after my +arrival, to inquire of them from whence that great tumult had its rise, +which indeed had no other effect on me than to make me smile, seeing so +soon accomplished what that young woman had foretold me. Monsieur +Malaval and that good father told the bishop what they thought of me; +after which he testified much uneasiness at the insult given me. I was +obliged to go to see him. He received me with extraordinary respect, +and begged my excuse for what had happened; desired me to stay at +Marseilles, and assured me that he would protect me. He even asked +where I lodged, that he might come to see me. + +Next day the Bishop of Grenoble's Almoner went to see him, with that +other priest who had come with us. The Bishop of Marseilles again +testified to them his sorrow for the insults given me without any +cause; and told them, that it was usual with those persons to insult +all such as were not of their cabal, that they had even insulted +himself. They were not content with that. They wrote to me the most +offensive letters possible, though at the same time they did not know +me. I apprehended that our Lord was beginning in earnest to take from +me every place of abode; and those words were renewed in my mind, "The +foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of +man hath not where to lay his head." + +In the short time of my stay at Marseilles, I was instrumental in +supporting some good souls, and among others an ecclesiastic, who till +then was unacquainted with me. After having finished his thanksgiving +in the church, seeing me go out, he followed me into the house in which +I lodged. Then he told me that the Lord had inspired him to address me, +and to open his inward state to me. He did it with as much simplicity +as humility, and the Lord gave him through me all that was necessary +for him, from whence he was filled with joy, and thankful +acknowledgments to God. Although there were many spiritual persons +there, and even of his intimate friends, he never had been moved to +open his mind to any of them. He was a servant of God, and favored by +Him with a singular gift of prayer. During the eight days I was at +Marseilles, I saw many good souls there. Through all my persecutions, +our Lord always struck some good stroke of His own right hand, and that +good ecclesiastic was delivered from an anxiety of mind, which had much +afflicted him for some years. + +After I had left Grenoble, those who hated me, without knowing me, +spread libels against me. A woman for whom I had great love, and whom I +had even extricated from an engagement which she had continued in for +several years, and contributed to her discarding the person to whom she +had been attached, suffered her mind to resume its fondness for that +pernicious engagement. She became violently enraged against me for +having broken it off. Although I had freely been at some expense to +procure her freedom, still she went to the Bishop of Grenoble, to tell +him that I had counseled her to do an act of injustice. She then went +from confessor to confessor, repeating the same story, to animate them +against me. As they were too susceptible of the prejudices infused, the +fire was soon kindled in all quarters. There were none but those who +knew me, and who loved God, that took my part. They became more closely +united to me in sympathy through my persecution. It would have been +very easy for me to destroy the calumny, as well with the Bishop of +Grenoble. I needed only to tell who the person was, and show the fruits +of her disorder. I could not declare the guilty person, without making +known at the same time the other who had been her accomplice, who now, +being touched of God, was very penitent, I thought it best for me to +suffer and be silent. There was a very pious man who knew all her +history, from the beginning to the end of it, who wrote to her, that if +she did not retract her lies, he would publish the account of her +wicked life, to make known both her gross iniquity and my innocence. +She continued some time in her malice, writing that I was a sorceress, +with many other falsehoods. Some time after she had such a cruel +remorse of conscience on this account, that she wrote both to the +bishop and others to retract what she had said. She induced one to +write to me, to inform me that she was in despair for what she had +done; that God had punished her. After these recantations the outcry +abated, the bishop disabused, and since that time he has testified a +great regard for me. This creature had, among other things, said that I +caused myself to be worshiped; also other unparalleled follies. + +From Marseilles I knew not how or whither I should turn next. I saw no +likelihood either of staying or of returning to Grenoble, where I had +left my daughter in a convent. Father La Combe had written to me that +he did not think I ought to go to Paris. I even felt a strong +repugnance to the idea of going, which made me think it was not yet the +time for it. One morning I felt myself inwardly pressed to go +somewhere. I took a conveyance to go to see the Marchioness of Prunai, +which was, I thought, the most honorable refuge for me in my present +condition. I thought I might pass through Nice on my way to her +habitation, as some had assured me I might. But when I arrived at Nice, +I was greatly surprised to learn that the conveyance could not pass the +mountain. I knew not what to do, nor which way to turn, alone, forsaken +of everybody, and not knowing what God required of me. My confusion and +crosses seemed to increase. I saw myself, without refuge or retreat, +wandering as a vagabond. All the tradesmen, whom I saw in their shops, +appeared to me happy, in having a dwelling of their own in which to +retire. Nothing in the world seemed harder than this wandering life to +me, who naturally loved propriety and decorum. As I was in this +uncertainty, not knowing what course to take, one came to tell me that +next day a sloop would set off, which used to go in one day to Genoa; +and that if I chose it, they would land me at Savona, from whence I +might get myself carried to the Marchioness of Prunai's house. To that +I consented, as I could not be supplied with any other way. + +I had some joy at embarking on the sea. I said in myself, "If I am the +dregs of the earth, the scorn and offscouring of nature, I am now going +to embark on the element which above all others is the most +treacherous; if it be the Lord's pleasure to plunge me in the waves, it +shall be mine to perish in them." There came a tempest in a place +dangerous for a small boat; and the mariners were some of the +wickedest. The irritation of the waves gave a satisfaction to my mind. +I pleased myself in thinking that those mutinous billows might probably +supply me with a grave. Perhaps I carried the point too far in the +pleasure I took, at seeing myself beaten and bandied by the waters. +Those who were with me, took notice of my intrepidity, but knew not the +cause of it. I asked some little hole of a rock to be placed in, there +to live separate from all creatures. I figured to myself, that some +uninhabited island would have terminated all my disgraces, and put me +in a condition of infallibly doing Thy will. Thou designedst me a +prison far different from that of the rock, and quite another +banishment than that of the uninhabited island. Thou reservest me to be +battered by billows, more irritated than those of the sea. Calumnies +proved to be the unrelenting waves, to which I was to be exposed, in +order to be lashed and tossed by them without mercy. By the tempest we +were kept back, and instead of a short day's passage to Genoa, we were +eleven days making it. How peaceable was my heart in so violent an +agitation! We could not land at Savona. We were obliged to go on to +Genoa. We arrived there in the beginning of the week before Easter. + +While I was there I was obliged to bear the insults of the inhabitants, +caused by the resentment they had against the French because of the +havoc of a late bombardment. The Doge was newly gone out of the city, +and had carried off with him all the coaches. I could not get one, and +was obliged to stay several days at excessive expenses. The people +there demanded of us exorbitant sums, and as much for every single +person as they would have asked for a company at the best eating place +in Paris. I had little money left, but my store in Providence could not +be exhausted. I begged with the greatest earnestness for a carriage at +any price, to pass the feast of Easter at the Marchioness of Prunai's +house. It was then within three days of Easter. I could scarce any way +get myself to be understood. By the force of entreaty, they brought me +at length a sorry coach with lame mules, and told me that they would +take me readily to Verceil, which was only two days journey, but +demanded an enormous sum. They would not engage to take me to the +Marchioness of Prunai's house, as they knew not where her estate lay. +This was to me a strong mortification; for I was very willing to go to +Verceil; nevertheless the proximity of Easter; and want of money, in a +country where they used every kind of extortion and tyranny, left me no +choice. I was under an absolute necessity of submitting to be thus +conveyed to Verceil. + +Thus Providence led me whither I would not. Our muleteer was one of the +most brutal men; and for an increase of my affliction, I had sent away +to Verceil the ecclesiastic who accompanied us, to prevent their +surprise at seeing me there, after I had protested against going. That +ecclesiastic was very coarsely treated on the road, through the hatred +they bore to the French. They made him go part of the way on foot, so +that, though he set off the day before me, he arrived there only a few +hours sooner than I did. As for the fellow who conducted us, seeing he +had only women under his care, he treated us in the most insolent and +boorish manner. + +We passed through a wood infested with robbers. The muleteer was +afraid, and told us, that, if we met any of them on the road, we should +be murdered. They spared nobody. Scarcely had he uttered these words, +when there appeared four men well armed. They immediately stopped us! +The man was exceedingly frightened. I made a light bow of my head, with +a smile, for I had no fear, and was so entirely resigned to Providence, +that it was all one to die this way or any other; in the sea, or by the +hands of robbers. When the dangers were most manifest, then was my +faith the strongest, as well as my intrepidity, being unable to wish +for anything else than what should fall out, whether to be dashed +against the rocks, drowned, or killed in any other way; everything in +the will of God being equal to me. The people who used to convey or +attend me said that they had never seen a courage like mine; for the +most alarming dangers, and the time when death appeared the most +certain, were those which seemed to please me the most. Was it not thy +pleasure, O my God, which guarded me in every imminent danger, and held +me back from rolling down the precipice, on the instant of sliding over +its dizzy brow? The more easy I was about life, which I bore only +because Thou wast pleased to bear it, the more care Thou tookest to +preserve it. There seemed a mutual emulation between us, on my part to +resign it, and on thine to maintain it. The robbers then advanced to +the coach; but I had no sooner saluted them, than God made them change +their design. Having pushed off one another, as it were, to hinder each +of them from doing any harm; they respectfully saluted me, and, with an +air of compassion, unusual to such sorts of persons, retired. I was +immediately struck to the heart with a full and clear conviction that +it was a stroke of Thy right hand, who had other designs over me than +to suffer me to die by the hand of robbers. It is Thy sovereign power +which takes away their all from Thy devoted lovers; and destroys their +lives with all that is of self without pity or sparing anything. + +The muleteer, seeing me attended only with two young women, thought he +might treat me as he would, perhaps expecting to draw money from me. +Instead of taking me to the inn, he brought me to a mill, in which +there was a woman. There was but one single room with several beds in +it, in which the millers and muleteers lay together. In that chamber +they forced me to stay. I told the muleteer I was not a person to lie +in such a place and wanted to oblige him to take me to the inn. Nothing +of it would he do. I was constrained to go out on foot, at ten o'clock +at night, carrying a part of my clothes, and to go a good way more than +a quarter of a league in the dark, in a strange place, not knowing the +way, crossing one end of the wood infested with robbers, to endeavor to +get to the inn. That fellow, seeing us go off from the place, where he +had wanted to make me lodge, hooted after us in a very abusive manner. +I bore my humiliation cheerfully, but not without feeling it. But the +will of God and my resignation to it rendered everything easy to me. We +were well received at the inn; and the good people there did the best +in their power for our recovery from the fatigue we had undergone. They +assured us the place we had left was very dangerous. Next morning we +were obliged to return on foot to the carriage for that man would not +bring it to us. On the contrary, he gave us a shower of fresh insults. +To consummate his base behavior, he sold me to the post, whereby I was +forced to go the rest of the way in a post-chaise instead of a +carriage. + +In this equipage I arrived at Alexandria, a frontier town, subject to +Spain, on the side of the Milanese. Our driver took us, according to +their custom, to the posthouse. I was exceedingly astonished when I saw +the landlady coming out not to receive him, but to oppose his entrance. +She had heard there were women in the chaise, and taking us for a +different sort of women from what we were, she protested against our +coming in. On the other hand, the driver was determined to force his +entrance in spite of her. Their dispute rose to such a height, that a +great number of the officers of the garrison, with a mob, gathered at +the noise, who were surprised at the odd humor of the woman in refusing +to lodge us. With earnestness I entreated the post to take us to some +other house, but he would not; so obstinately was he bent on carrying +his point. He assured the landlady we were persons of honor and piety +too; the marks whereof he had seen. At last, by force of pressing +entreaties, he obliged her to come to see us. As soon as she had looked +at us, she acted as the robbers had done; she relented at once and +admitted us. + +No sooner had I alighted from the chaise, than she said, "Go shut +yourselves up in that chamber hard by, and do not stir, that my son may +not know you are here; as soon as he knows it he will kill you." She +said it with so much force, as did also the servant maid, that, if +death had not so many charms for me, I should have been ready to die +with fear. The two poor girls with me were under frightful +apprehensions. When any stirred, or came to open the door, they thought +they were coming to kill them. In short they continued in a dreadful +suspense, between life and death, till next day, when we learned that +the young man had sworn to kill any woman who lodged at the house. A +few days before, an event had fallen out, which had like to have ruined +him; a woman of a bad life having there privately murdered a man in +some esteem, that had cost the house a heavy fine; and he was afraid of +any more such persons coming, not without reason. + + + + +CHAPTER 18 + + +After these adventures, and others which it would be tedious to recite, +I arrived at Verceil. I went to the inn, where I was badly received. I +sent for Father La Combe, who I thought had been already apprised of my +coming, by the ecclesiastic whom I had sent before, and who would be of +so much service to me. This ecclesiastic was only a little while +arrived. How much better on the road should I have fared, if I had him +with me! For in that country they look upon ladies, accompanied with +ecclesiastics, with veneration, as persons of honor and piety. Father +La Combe came in a strange fret at my arrival, God so permitting it. He +said that every one would think I was come after him, and that would +injure his reputation, which in that country was very high. I had no +less pain to go. It was necessity only which had obliged me to submit +to such a disagreeable task. The father received me with coolness, and +in such a manner as let me sufficiently see his sentiments, and indeed +redoubled my pain. I asked him if he required me to return, adding, if +he did, "I would go off that moment however oppressed and spent, both +with fatigues and fastings." He said that he did not know how the +Bishop of Verceil would take my arrival, after he had given over all +his expectations of it, and after I had so long, and so obstinately, +refused the obliging offers he had made me; since which he no longer +expressed any desire to see me. + +It seemed to me then as if I were rejected from the face of the earth, +without being able to find any refuge, and as if all creatures were +combined to crush me. I passed that night without sleep, not knowing +what course I should be obliged to take, being persecuted by my +enemies, and a subject of disgrace to my friends. + +When it was known at the inn, that I was one of Father La Combe's +acquaintance, they treated me with greatest respect and kindness. They +esteemed him as a saint. The father knew not how to tell the bishop of +my arrival, and I felt his pain more than my own. As soon as that +Prelate knew that I was arrived, he sent his niece, who took me in her +coach, and carried me to her house. These things were only done out of +ceremony; and the bishop, not having seen me yet, knew not what to +think of a journey so very unexpected, after I had thrice refused, +though he sent expresses on purpose to bring me to him. He was out of +humor with me. Nevertheless, as he was informed that my design was not +to stay at Verceil, but to go to the Marchioness of Prunai's house, he +gave orders for me to be well treated. He could not see me till Easter +Sunday was over. He officiated all the eve and all that day. After it +was over, he came in a chaise to his niece's house to see me. Though he +understood French hardly any better than I did Italian, he was very +well satisfied with the conversation he had with me. He appeared to +have as much favour for me as he had of indifference before. + +He conceived as strong a friendship for me as if I had been his sister; +and his only pleasure, amid his continual occupations, was to come and +pass half an hour with me in speaking of God. He wrote to the Bishop of +Marseilles to thank him for having protected me in the persecutions +there. He wrote to the Bishop of Grenoble; and he omitted nothing to +manifest his regard for me. He now seemed to think alone of finding out +means to detain me in his diocese. He would not hear of my going to see +the Marchioness of Prunai. On the contrary, he wrote to her to come and +settle with me in his diocese. He sent Father La Combe to her, on +purpose to exhort her to come; assuring her that he would unite us all +to make a congregation. The Marchioness entered into it readily, and so +did her daughter. They would have come with Father La Combe, but the +Marchioness was sick. The bishop was active and earnest in collecting +and establishing a society of us, and found several pious persons and +some very devout young ladies, who were all ready to come to join us. +But it was not the will of God for fix me thus, but to crucify me yet +more. + +The fatigue of traveling made me sick. The girl also whom I brought +from Grenoble fell sick. Her relations, who were covetous took it in +their heads that, if she should die in my service, I would get her to +make a will in my favor. They were much mistaken. Far from desiring the +property of others, I had given up my own. Her brother, full of this +apprehension, came with all speed; the first thing he spoke to her +about, although he found her recovered, was to make a will. That made a +great noise in Verceil. He wanted her to return with him, but she +refused. I advised her to do what her brother desired. He contracted a +friendship with some of the officers of the garrison, to whom he told +ridiculous stories, as that I wanted to use his sister badly. He +pretended she was a person of quality. They gave out what I was still +afraid of,--that I was come after Father La Combe. They even persecuted +him on my account. The bishop was much troubled, but could not remedy +it. The friendship he had for me increased every day; because, as he +loved God, so he did all those whom he thought desired to love God. As +he saw me so much indisposed, he came to see me with assiduity and +charity, when at leisure from his occupations. He made me little +presents of fruits and other things. His relations were jealous. They +said that I was come to ruin him, and to carry off his money into +France, which was farthest from my thoughts. The bishop patiently bore +these affronts, hoping still to keep me in his diocese, when I should +be recovered. + +Father La Combe was the bishop's prebend and his confessor. He esteemed +him highly. God made use of him to convert several of the officers and +soldiers, who, from being men of scandalous lives, became patterns of +piety. In that place everything was mixed with crosses, but souls were +gained to God. There were some of his friars, who, after his example, +were advancing toward perfection. Though I neither understood their +language nor they mine, the Lord made us understand each other in what +concerned His service. The Rector of the Jesuits took his time, when +Father La Combe was gone out of town, to prove me, as he said. He had +studied theological matters, which I did not understand. He propounded +several questions. The Lord inspired me to answer him in such a manner, +that he went away both surprised and satisfied. He could not forbear +speaking of it. + +The Barnabites of Paris, or rather Father de la Mothe took it in head +to try to draw Father La Combe to go and preach at Paris. He wrote to +the Father-general about it, because they had no one at Paris to +support their house, that their church was deserted; that it was a pity +to leave such a man as Father La Combe in a place where he only +corrupted his language. It was necessary to make his fine talents +appear at Paris, where he himself could not bear the burden of the +house, if they did not give him an assistant of such qualifications and +experience. Who would not have thought all this to be sincere? The +Bishop of Verceil, who was very much a friend of Father-general, having +advice thereof, opposed it, and answered that it would be doing him the +greatest injury to take from him a man who was so exceedingly useful to +him, and at a time when he had the greatest need of him. + +The Father-general of the Barnabites would not agree to the request of +Father de la Mothe, for fear of offending the Bishop of Verceil. As to +me, my indisposition increased. The air, which is there extremely bad, +caused me a continual cough, with frequent returns of fever. I grew so +much worse that it was thought I could not get over it. The Bishop was +afflicted to see it, but, having consulted the physicians, they assured +him that the air of the place was mortal to me, whereupon he said to +me, "I had rather have you live, though distant from me, than see you +die here." He gave up his design of establishing his congregation, for +my friend would not settle there without me. The Genoese lady could not +easily leave her own city, where she was respected. The Genoese +besought her to set up there what the Bishop of Verceil had wanted her +to set up. It was a congregation almost like that of Madame de +Miramion. When the Bishop had first proposed this, however agreeable it +appeared, I had a presentiment that it would not succeed, and that it +was not what our Lord required of me, though I submissively yielded to +the good proposal, were it only to acknowledge the many special favours +of this prelate. I was assured that the Lord would know well how to +prevent what He should now require of me. As this good prelate saw he +must resign himself to let me go, he said to me, "You were willing to +be in the diocese of Geneva, and there they persecuted and rejected +you; I, who would gladly have you, cannot keep you." He wrote to Father +La Mothe that I should go in the spring, as soon as the weather would +permit. He was sorry to be obliged to let me go. Yet he still hoped to +have kept Father La Combe, which probably might have been, had not the +death of the Father-general given it another turn. + +Here it was that I wrote upon the Apocalypse, and that there was given +me a greater certainty of all the persecutions of the most faithful +servants of God. Here also I was strongly moved to write to Madame De +Ch----. I did it with great simplicity; and what I wrote was like the +first foundation of what the Lord required of her, having been pleased +to make use of me to help to bring her into His ways, being one to whom +I am much united, and by her to others. + +The Bishop of Verceil's friend, the Father-general of the Barnabites, +departed this life. As soon as he was dead, Father La Mothe wrote to +the Vicar-general who now held his place till another should be elected +renewing his request to have Father La Combe as an assistant. The +father, hearing that I was obliged on account of my indisposition to +return into France, sent an order to Father La Combe to return to +Paris, and to accompany me in my journey, as his doing that would +exempt their house at Paris, already poor, from the expenses of so long +a journey. Father La Combe, who did not penetrate the poison under this +fair outside, consented thereto; knowing it was my custom to have some +ecclesiastic with me in traveling. Father La Combe went off twelve days +before me, in order to transact some business, and to wait for me at +the passage over the mountains, as the place where I had most need of +an escort. I set off in Lent, the weather then being fine. It was a +sorrowful parting to the Bishop. I pitied him; he was so much affected +at losing both Father La Combe and me. He caused me to be attended, at +his own expense, as far as Turin, giving me a gentleman and one of his +ecclesiastics to accompany me. + +As soon as the resolution was taken that Father La Combe should +accompany me, Father La Mothe reported everywhere "that he had been +obliged to do it, to make him return into France." He expatiated on the +attachment I had for Father La Combe, pretending to pity me. Upon this +everyone said that I ought to put myself under the direction of Father +La Mothe. In the meantime he deceitfully palliated the malignity of his +heart, writing letters full of esteem to Father La Combe, and some to +me of tenderness, "desiring him to bring his dear sister, and to serve +her in her infirmities, and in the hardships of so long a journey; that +he should be sensibly obliged to him for his care;" with many other +things of the like nature. + +I could not resolve to depart without going to see my good friend, the +Marchioness of Prunai, notwithstanding the difficulty of the roads. I +caused myself to be carried, it being scarcely possible to go otherwise +on account of the mountains. She was extremely joyful at seeing me +arrive. Nothing could be more cordial than what passed between us. It +was then that she acknowledged that all I had told her had come to +pass. A good ecclesiastic, who lives with her, told me the same. We +made ointments and plasters together, and I gave her the secret of my +remedies, I encouraged her, and so did Father La Combe, to establish an +hospital in that place; which was done while we were there. I +contributed my mite to it which has ever been blest to all the +hospitals, which have ever been established in reliance on Providence. + +I believe I had forgotten to tell, that the Lord had made use of me to +establish one near Grenoble, which subsists without any other fund than +the supplies of Providence. My enemies made use of that afterward to +slander me, saying that I had wasted my children's substance in +establishing hospitals, though, far from spending any of their +substance, I had even given them my own. All those hospitals have been +established only on the fund of divine Providence, which is +inexhaustible. But so it has been ordered for my good, that all our +Lord has made me to do His glory has ever been turned into crosses for +me. + +As soon as it was determined that I should come into France, the Lord +made known to me, that it was to have greater crosses than I ever had. +Father La Combe had the like sense. He encouraged me to resign myself +to the divine will, and to become a victim offered freely to new +sacrifices. He also wrote to me, "Will it not be a thing very glorious +to God, if He should make us serve in that great city, for a spectacle +to angels and to men?" I set off then with a spirit of sacrifice, to +offer myself up to new kinds of punishments, if pleasing to my dear +Lord. All along the road something within me repeated the very words of +St. Paul, "I go bound in the Spirit unto Jerusalem, not knowing the +things should befall me there, save that the Holy Ghost witnesseth, +saying that bonds and afflictions abide me. But none of these things +move me; neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might +finish my course with joy." (Acts 20:22, 23, 24.) I could not forbear +to testify it to my most intimate friends, who tried hard to prevail on +me to stop, and not to proceed. They were all willing to contribute a +share of what they had, for my settlement there, and to prevent my +coming to Paris. But I found it my duty to hold on my way, and to +sacrifice myself for Him who first sacrificed Himself for me. + +At Chamberry we saw Father La Mothe, who was going to the election of a +Father-general. Though he affected an appearance of friendship, it was +not difficult to discover that his thoughts were different from his +words, and that he conceived dark designs against us. I speak not of +his intentions, but to obey the command given me to omit nothing. I +shall necessarily be obliged often to speak of him. I could wish with +all my heart it were in my power to suppress what I have to say of him. +If what he has done respected only myself, I would willingly bury all; +but I think I owe it to the truth, and to the innocence of Father La +Combe, so cruelly oppressed, and grievously crushed so long, by wicked +calumnies, by an imprisonment of several years, which in all +probability will last as long as life. Though Father La Mothe may +appear heavily charged in what I say of him, I protest solemnly, and in +the presence of God, that I pass over in silence many of his bad +actions. + + + + +CHAPTER 19 + + +Scarcely had I arrived at Paris, when I readily discovered the black +designs entertained against both Father La Combe and me. Father La +Mothe who conducted the whole tragedy, artfully dissembled, according +to his custom; flattering me to my face, while he was aiming the +keenest wounds behind my back. He and his confederates wanted, for +their own interest, to persuade me to go to Montargis (my native +place), hoping, thereby, to get the guardianship of my children, and to +dispose of both my person and effects. All the persecutions from Father +La Mothe and my family have been attended on their part with views of +interest; those against Father La Combe have sprung from rage and +revenge, because he, as my director, did not oblige me to do what they +wanted; as well as out of jealousy. I might enter into a long detail on +this, sufficient to convince all the world; but I suppress, to avoid +prolixity. I shall only say, that they threatened to deprive me of what +little I had reserved to myself. To this I only replied that I would +not go to law, that if they were resolved to take from me little I have +left (little indeed in comparison of what I had given up) I would +surrender it entirely to them; being quite free and willing not only to +be poor, but to be even in the very extremity of want in imitation of +our Lord Jesus Christ. + +I arrived at Paris on Magdalene's eve, 1686, exactly five years after +my departure from that city. After Father La Combe arrived, he was soon +followed and much applauded. I perceived some jealously in Father La +Mothe hereupon, but did not think that matters would be carried so far +as they have been. The greater part of the Barnabites of Paris, and its +neighborhood, joined against Father La Combe, induced from several +causes that particularly related to their order. But all their +calumnies and evil attempts were overthrown by the unaffected piety he +manifested, and the good which multitudes reaped from his labors. + +I had deposited a little sum of money in his hands (with the consent of +his superior) to serve for the entrance of a nun. I thought myself +obliged in conscience to do it. She had, through my means, quitted the +New Catholics. It was that young woman whom I mentioned before, whom +the priest of Gex wanted to win over. As she is beautiful, though very +prudent, there always continues a cause for fear, when such an one is +exposed in the world. La Mothe wanted to have that money, and signified +to La Combe that, if he did not make me give it to him for a wall, +which he had to rebuild in his convent, he would make him suffer for +it. But the latter, who is always upright, answered that he could not +in conscience advise me to do anything else, but what I had already +resolved, in favour of that young woman. Hence he and the provincial +ardently longed to satisfy their desire of revenge. They employed all +their thoughts on the means of effecting it. + +A very wicked man who was employed for that purpose, wrote defamatory +libels, declaring that the propositions of Molinos, which had been +current for two year past in France, were the sentiments of Father La +Combe. These libels were spread about in the community. Father La Mothe +and the provincial, acting as persons well affected to the church, +carried them to the official, or judge of the ecclesiastical court, who +joined in the dark design. They showed them to the Archbishop, saying, +It was out of their zeal, and that they were exceedingly sorry that +one of their fraternity was an heretic, and as such execrable. They +also brought me in, but more moderately, saying Father La Combe was +almost always at my house, which was false. I could scarcely see him at +all except at the confessional, and then for a very short time. Several +other things equally false they liberally gave out concerning both of +us. + +They bethought themselves of one thing further likely to favor their +scheme. They knew I had been at Marseilles, and thought they had a good +foundation for a fresh calumny. They counterfeited a letter from a +person at Marseilles (I heard it was from the Bishop) addressed to the +Archbishop of Paris, or to his official, in which they wrote the most +abominable scandal. Father La Mothe came to try to draw me into his +snare, and to make me say, in the presence of the people whom he had +brought, that I had been at Marseilles with Father La Combe. "There +are," said he, "shocking accounts against you, sent by the Bishop of +Marseilles. You have there fallen into great scandal with Father La +Combe. There are good witnesses of it." I replied with a smile, "The +calumny is well devised; but it would have been proper to know first +whether Father La Combe had been at Marseilles, for I do not believe he +was ever there in his life. While I was there, Father La Combe was +laboring at Verceil." He was confounded and went off, saying, "There +are witnesses of its being true." He went immediately to ask Father La +Combe if he had not been at Marseilles. He assured him he never had +been there. They were struck with disappointment. They then gave out +that it was not Marseilles but Seisel. Now this Seisel is a place I +have never been at, and there is no bishop there. + +Every imaginable device was used to terrify me by threats, forged +letters, and by memorials drawn up against me, accusing me of teaching +erroneous doctrines, and of living a bad life and urging me to flee the +country to escape the consequences of exposure. Failing in all these, +at length La Mothe took off the mask, and said to me in the church, +before La Combe, "It is now, my sister, that you must think of fleeing, +you are charged with crimes of a deep dye." I was not moved in the +least, but replied with my usual tranquillity, "If I am guilty of such +crimes I cannot be too severely punished; wherefore I will not flee or +go out of the way. I have made an open profession of dedicating myself +to God entirely. If I have done things offensive to Him, whom I would +wish both to love, and to cause to be loved by the whole world, even at +the expense of my life, I ought by my punishment to be made an example +to the world; but if I am innocent, for me to flee is not the way for +my innocence to be believed." + +Similar attempts were made to ruin Father La Combe. He was grossly +misrepresented to the king, and an order procured for his arrest and +imprisonment in the Bastile. + +Although on his trial he appeared quite innocent, and they could not +find anything whereupon to ground a condemnation, yet they made the +king believe he was a dangerous man in the article of religion. He was +then shut up in a certain fortress of the Bastile for life; but as his +enemies heard that the captain in that fortress esteemed him, and +treated him kindly, they had him removed into a much worse place. God, +who beholds everything, will reward every man according to his works. I +know by an interior communication that he is very well content, and +fully resigned to God. + +La Mothe now endeavored more than ever to induce me to flee, assuring +me that, if I went to Montargis, I should be out of all trouble; but +that if I did not, I should pay for it. He insisted on my taking +himself for my director, to which I could not agree. He decried me +wherever he went, and wrote to his brethren to do the same. They sent +me very abusive letters, assuring me that, if I did not put myself +under his direction, I was undone. I have the letters by me still. One +father desired me in this case to make a virtue of necessity. Nay, some +advised me to pretend to put myself under his direction, and to deceive +him. I abhorred the thought of deceit. I bore everything with the +greatest tranquillity, without taking any care to justify or defend +myself, leaving it entirely to God to order as he should please about +me. Herein he was graciously pleased to increase the peace of my soul, +while every one seemed to cry against me, and to look on me as an +infamous creature, except those few who knew me well by a near union of +spirit. At church I heard people behind me exclaim against me, and even +some priests say it was necessary to cast me out of the church. I left +myself to God without reserve, being quite ready to endure the most +rigorous pains and tortures, if such were His will. + +I never made any solicitation either for Father La Combe or myself, +though charged with that among other things. Willing to owe everything +to God, I have no dependence on any creature. I would not have it said +that any but God had made Abraham rich. Gen. 14:23. To lose all for Him +is my best gain; and to gain all without Him would be my worst loss. +Although at this time so general an outcry was raised against me, God +did not fail to make use of me to gain many souls to Himself. The more +persecution raged against me the more children were given me, on whom +the Lord conferred great favors through His handmaid. + +One must not judge of the servants of God by what their enemies say of +them, nor by their being oppressed under calumnies without any +resource. Jesus Christ expired under pangs. God uses the like conduct +toward His dearest servants, to render them conformable to His Son, in +whom He is always well pleased. But few place that conformity where it +ought to be. It is not in voluntary pains or austerities, but in those +which are suffered in a submission ever equal to the will of God, in a +renunciation of our whole selves, to the end that God may be our all in +all, conducting us according to His views, and not our own, which are +generally opposite to His. All perfection consists in this entire +conformity with Jesus Christ, not in shining things which men esteem. +It will only be seen in eternity who are the true friends of God. +Nothing pleases Him but Jesus Christ, and that which bears His mark or +character. + +They were continually pressing me to flee, though the Archbishop had +spoken to myself, and bidden me not to leave Paris. But they wanted to +give the appearance of criminality both to me and to Father La Combe by +my flight. They knew not how to make me fall into the hands of the +official. If they accused me of crimes, it must be before other judges. +Any other judge would have seen my innocence; the false witnesses would +have run the risk of suffering for it. They continually spread stories +of horrible crimes; but the official assured me that he had heard no +mention of any. He was afraid lest I should retire out of his +jurisdiction. They then made the king believe that I was an heretic, +that I carried on a literary correspondence with Molinos (I, who never +knew there was a Molinos in the world, till the Gazette had told me of +it) that I had written a dangerous book; and that on those accounts it +would be necessary to issue an order to put me in a convent, that they +might examine me. I was a dangerous person, it would be proper for me +to be locked up, to be allowed no commerce with any one; since I +continually held assemblies, which was very false. To support this +calumny my handwriting was counterfeited, and a letter was forged as +from me, importing, that I had great designs, but feared that they +would prove abortive, through the imprisonment of Father La Combe, for +which reason I had left off holding assemblies at my house, being too +closely watched; but that I would hold them at the houses of other +persons. This forged letter they showed the king, and upon it an order +was given for my imprisonment. + +This order would have been put in execution two months sooner than it +was, had I not fallen very sick. I had inconceivable pains and a fever. +Some thought that I had a gathering in my head. The pain I suffered for +five weeks made me delirious. I had also a pain in my breast and a +violent cough. Twice I received the holy sacrament, as I was thought to +be expiring. One of my friends had acquainted Father La Mothe, (not +knowing him to have had any hand in F. La Combe's imprisonment) that +she had sent me a certificate from the inquisition in Father La Combe's +favor, having heard that his own was lost. This answered a very good +purpose; for they had made the king believe that he had run away from +the inquisition; but this showed the contrary. + +Father La Mothe then came to me, when I was in excessive pain, +counterfeiting all the affection and tenderness in his power, and +telling me "that the affair of Father La Combe was going on very well, +that he was just ready to come out of prison with honor, that he was +very glad of it. If he had only this certificate, he would soon be +delivered. Give me it then," said he, "and he will be immediately +released." At first I made a difficulty of doing it. "What! said he, +will you be the cause of ruining poor Father La Combe, having it in +your power to save him, and cause us that affliction, for want of what +you have in your hands." I yielded, ordering it to be brought and given +him. But he suppressed it, and gave out that it was lost. It never +could be got from him again. The Ambassador from the Court of Turin +sent a messenger to me for this certificate, designing the proper use +of it to serve Father La Combe. I referred him to Father La Mothe. The +messenger went to him and asked him for it. He denied I had given it to +him, saying, "Her brain is disordered which makes her imagine it." The +man came back to me and told me his answer. The persons in my chamber +bore witness that I had given it to him. Yet all signified nothing; it +could not be got out of his hands; but on the contrary, he insulted me, +and caused others also to do it, though I was so weak that I seemed to +be at the very gates of death. + +They told me they only waited for my recovery to cast me into prison. +He made his brethren believe that I had treated him ill. They wrote to +me that it was for my crimes that I suffered and that I should put +myself under the control of Father La Mothe, otherwise I should repent +it; that I was mad and ought to be bound; and was a monster of pride, +since I would not suffer myself to be conducted by Father La Mothe. +Such was my daily feast in the extremity of my pain; deserted of my +friends, and oppressed by my enemies; the former being ashamed of me, +through the calumnies which were forged and industriously spread; the +latter let loose to persecute me; under all which I kept silence, +leaving myself to the Lord. + +There was not any kind of infamy, error, sorcery, or sacrilege, of +which they did not accuse me. As soon as I was able to be carried to +the church in a chair, I was told I must speak to the prebend. (It was +a snare concerted between Father La Mothe and the Canon at whose house +I lodged). I spoke to him with much simplicity and he approved of what +I said. Yet, two days after they gave out that I had uttered many +things, and accused many persons; and from hence they procured the +banishment of sundry persons with whom they were displeased, persons +whom I had never seen or of whom I never heard. They were men of honor. +One of them was banished, because he said my little book is a good one. +It is remarkable that they say nothing to those who prefixed their +approbations, and that, far from condemning the book, it has been +reprinted since I have been in prison, and advertisements of it have +been posted up at the Archbishop's palace, and all over Paris. In +regard to others, when they find faults in their books, they condemn +the books and leave the person at liberty; but as for me, my book is +approved, sold and spread, while I am kept a prisoner for it. + +The same day that those gentlemen were banished, I received a letter de +cachet, or sealed order to repair to the Convent of the Visitation of +St. Mary's, in a suburb of St. Antoine. I received it with a +tranquillity which surprised the bearer exceedingly. He could not +forbear expressing it, having seen the extreme sorrow of those who were +only banished. He was so touched with it as to shed tears. And although +his order was to carry me off directly, he was not afraid to trust me, +but left me all the day, desiring me to repair to St. Mary's in the +evening. On that day many of my friends came to see me, and found me +very cheerful, which surprised such of them as knew my case. I could +not stand, I was so weak, having the fever every night, it being only a +fortnight since I was thought to be expiring. I imagined they would +leave me my daughter and maid to serve me. + + + + +CHAPTER 20 + + +On January 29, 1688, I went to St. Mary's. There they let me know I +must neither have my daughter nor a maid to serve me, but must be +locked up alone in a chamber. Indeed it touched me to my heart when my +daughter was taken from me. They would neither allow her to be in that +house, nor anybody to bring me any news of her. I was then obliged to +sacrifice my daughter, as if she were mine no longer. The people of the +house were prepossessed with so frightful an account of me, that they +looked at me with horror. For my jailer they singled out a nun, who, +they thought, would treat me with the greatest rigor, and they were not +mistaken therein. + +They asked me who was now my confessor. I named him; but he was seized +with such a fright that he denied it; though I could have produced many +persons who had seen me at his confessional. So then they said they had +caught me in a lie; I was not to be trusted. My acquaintance then said +they knew me not, and others were at liberty to invent stories, and say +all manner of evil of me. The woman, appointed for my keeper, was +gained over by my enemies, to torment me as an heretic, an enthusiast, +one crackbrained and an hypocrite. God alone knows what she made me +suffer. As she sought to surprise me in my words, I watched them, to be +more exact in them; but I fared the worse for it. I made more slips and +gave her more advantages over me thereby, beside the trouble in my own +mind for it. I then left myself as I was, and resolved, though this +woman would bring me to the scaffold, by the false reports she was +continually carrying to the prioress, that I would simply resign myself +to my lot; so I re-entered into my former condition. + +Monsieur Charon the Official, and a Doctor of Sorbonne, came four times +to examine me. Our Lord did me the favor which He promised to His +apostles, to make me answer much better than if I had studied. Luke +21:14, 15. They said to me, if I had explained myself, as I now did, in +the book entitled, Short and Easy Method of Prayer, I would not now +have been here. My last examination was about a counterfeit letter, +which they read and let me see. I told them the hand was no way like +mine. They said it was only a copy; they had the original at home. I +desired a sight of it, but could not obtain it. I told them I never +wrote it, nor did I know the person to whom it was addressed; but they +took scarcely any notice of what I said. + +After this letter was read, the official turned to me and said, "You +see, madam, that after such a letter there was foundation enough for +imprisoning you." "Yes, sir," said I, "if I had written it." I showed +them its falsehoods and inconsistencies, but all in vain. I was left +two months, and treated worse and worse, before either of them came +again to see me. Till then I had always some hope that, seeing my +innocence, they would do me justice; but now I saw that they did not +want to find me innocent, but to make me appear guilty. + +The official alone came the next time, and told me, "I must speak no +more of the false letter; that it was nothing." "How nothing," said I, +"to counterfeit a person's writing, and to make one appear an enemy to +the State!" He replied, "We will seek out the author of it." "The +author," said I, "is no other than the Scrivener Gautier." He then +demanded where the papers were which I wrote on the Scriptures. I told +him, "I would give them up when I should be out of prison; but was not +willing to tell with whom I had lodged them." + +About three or four days before Easter he came again, with the doctor, +and a verbal process was drawn up against me for rebelling, in not +giving up papers. Copies of my writings were then put into their hands; +for I had not the originals. I know not where those who got them from +me have put them; but I am firm in the faith that they will all be +preserved, in spite of the storm. The prioress asked the official how +my affair went. He said, very well, and that I should soon be +discharged; this became the common talk; but I had a presentiment of +the contrary. + +I had an inexpressible satisfaction and joy in suffering, and being a +prisoner. The confinement of my body made me better relish the freedom +of my mind. St. Joseph's day was to me a memorable day; for then my +state had more of Heaven than of earth beyond what any expression can +reach. This was followed, as it were, with a suspension of every favor +then enjoyed, a dispensation of new sufferings. I was obliged to +sacrifice myself anew, and to drink the very dregs of the bitter +draught. + +I never had any resentment against my persecutors, though I well knew +them, their spirit and their actions. Jesus Christ and the saints saw +their persecutors, and at the same time saw that they could have no +power except it were given them from above. John 19:11. + +Loving the strokes which God gives, one cannot hate the hand which He +makes use of to strike with. + +A few days after, the official came, and told me he gave me the liberty +of the cloister, that is, to go and come in the house. They were now +very industrious in urging my daughter to consent to a marriage, which +had it taken place, would have been her ruin. To succeed herein, they +had placed her with a relation of the gentleman whom they wanted her to +marry. All my confidence was in God, that He would not permit it to be +accomplished, as the man had no tincture of Christianity, being +abandoned both in his principles and morals. + +To induce me to give up my daughter they promised me an immediate +release from prison and from every charge under which I labored. But if +I refused, they threatened me with imprisonment for life and with death +on the scaffold. In spite of all their promises and threatenings, I +persistently refused. + +Soon after, the official and doctor came to tell the prioress I must be +closely locked up. She represented to them that the chamber I was in, +was small, having an opening to the light or air, only on one side, +through which the sun shone all the day long, and being the month of +July, it must soon cause my death. They paid no regard. She asked why I +must be thus closely locked up. They said I had committed horrible +things in her house, even within the last month, and had scandalized +the nuns. She protested the contrary, and assured them the whole +community had received great edification from me, and could not but +admire my patience and moderation. But it was all in vain. The poor +woman could not refrain from tears, at a statement so remote from the +truth. + +They then sent for me, and told me I had done base things in the last +month. I asked what things? They would not tell me. I said then that I +would suffer as long and as much as it should please God; that this +affair was begun on forgeries against me, and so continued. That God +was witness of everything. The doctor told me, that to take God for a +witness in such a thing was a crime. I replied nothing in the world +could hinder me from having recourse to God. I was then shut up more +closely than at first, until I was absolutely at the point of death, +being thrown into a violent fever, and almost stifled with the +closeness of the place, and not permitted to have any assistance. + +In the time of the ancient law, there were several of the Lord's +martyrs who suffered for asserting and trusting in the one true God. In +the primitive church of Christ the martyrs shed their blood, for +maintaining the truth of Jesus Christ crucified. Now there are martyrs +of the Holy Ghost, who suffer for their dependence on Him, for +maintaining His reign in souls and for being victims of the Divine +will. + +It is this Spirit which is to be poured out on all flesh, as saith the +prophet Joel. The martyrs of Jesus Christ have been glorious martyrs, +He having drunk up the confusion of that martyrdom; but the martyrs of +the Holy Spirit are martyrs of reproach and ignominy. The Devil no more +exercises his power against their faith or belief, but directly attacks +the dominion of the Holy Spirit, opposing His celestial motion in +souls, and discharging his hatred on the bodies of those whose minds he +cannot hurt. Oh, Holy Spirit, a Spirit of love, let me ever be +subjected to Thy will, and, as a leaf is moved before the wind, so let +me be moved by Thy Divine breath. As the impetuous wind breaks all that +resists it, so break thou all that opposes Thy empire. + +Although I have been obliged to describe the procedure of those who +persecute me, I have not done it out of resentment, since I love them +at my heart, and pray for them, leaving to God the care of defending +me, and delivering me out of their hands, without making any movement +of my own for it. I have apprehended and believed that God would have +me write everything sincerely, that His name may be glorified; that the +things done in secret against His servants should one day be published +on the housetops; for the more they strive to conceal them from the +eyes of men, the more will God in His own time make them all manifest. + +August 22, 1688, it was thought I was about coming out of prison, and +everything seemed to tend toward it. But the Lord gave me a sense that, +far from being willing to deliver me they were only laying new snares +to ruin me more effectually, and to make Father La Mothe known to the +king, and esteemed by him. On the day mentioned, which was my birthday, +being forty years of age, I awaked under an impression of Jesus Christ +in an agony, seeing the counsel of the Jews against Him. I knew that +none but God could deliver me out of prison, and I was satisfied that +He would do it one day by His own right hand, though ignorant of the +manner, and leaving it wholly to Himself. + +In the order of Divine Providence my case was laid before Madame de +Maintenon, who became deeply interested in the account given her of my +sufferings, and at length procured my release. A few days afterward I +had my first interview with the Abbe Fenelon. + +Coming out of St. Mary's I retired into the community of Mad. Miramion, +where I kept my bed of a fever three months, and had an imposthume in +my eye. Yet at this time I was accused of going continually out, +holding suspected assemblies, together with other groundless +falsehoods. In this house my daughter was married to Mons. L. Nicholas +Fouquet, Count de Vaux. I removed to my daughter's house, and on +account of her extreme youth, lived with her two years and an half. +Even there my enemies were ever forging one thing after another against +me, I then wanted to retire quite secretly, to the house of the +Benedictines at Montargis, (my native place) but it was discovered, and +both friends and enemies jointly prevented it. + +The family in which my daughter was married being of the number of Abbe +Fenelon's friends, I had the opportunity of often seeing him at our +house. We had some conversations on the subject of a spiritual life, in +which he made several objections to my experiences therein. I answered +them with my usual simplicity, which, as I found, gained upon him. As +the affair of Molinos at that time made a great noise, the plainest +things were distrusted, and the terms used by mystic writers exploded. +But I so clearly expounded everything to him, and so fully solved all +his objections, that no one more fully imbibed my sentiments than he; +which has since laid the foundation of that persecution he has +suffered. His answers to the Bishop of Meaux evidently show this to all +who have read them. + +I now took a little private house, to follow the inclination I had for +retirement; where I sometimes had the pleasure of seeing my family and +a few particular friends. Certain young ladies of St. Cyr, having +informed Mad. Maintenon, that they found in my conversation something +which attracted them to God, she encouraged me to continue my +instructions to them. By the fine change in some of them with whom +before she had not been well pleased, she found she had no reason to +repent of it. She then treated me with much respect; and for three +years after, while this lasted, I received from her every mark of +esteem and confidence. But that very thing afterward drew on me the +most severe persecution. The free entrance I had into the house, and +the confidence which some young ladies of the Court, distinguished for +their rank and piety, placed in me, gave no small uneasines to the +people who had persecuted me. The directors took umbrage at it, and +under pretext of the troubles I had some years before, they engaged the +Bishop of Chartres, Superior of St. Cyr, to present to Mad. Maintenon +that, by my particular conduct, I troubled the order of the house; that +the young women in it were so attached to me, and to what I said to +them, that they no longer hearkened to their superiors. I then went no +more to St. Cyr. I answered the young ladies who wrote to me, only by +letters unsealed, which passed through the hands of Mad. Maintenon. + +Soon after I fell sick. The physicians, after trying in vain the usual +method of cure, ordered me to repair to the waters of Bourbon. My +servant had been induced to give me some poison. After taking it, I +suffered such exquisite pains that, without speedy succor, I should +have died in a few hours. The man immediately ran away, and I have +never seen him since. When I was at Bourbon, the waters which I threw +up burned like spirits of wine. I had no thought of being poisoned, +till the physicians of Bourbon assured me of it. The waters had but +little effect. I suffered from it for above seven years. + +God kept me in such a disposition of sacrifice, that I was quite +resigned to suffer everything, and to receive from His hand all that +might befall me, since for me to offer in any way to vindicate myself, +would be only beating the air. When the Lord is willing to make any one +suffer, He permits even the most virtuous people to be readily blinded +toward them; and I may confess that the persecution of the wicked is +but little, when compared with that of the servants of the church, +deceived and animated with a zeal which they think right. Many of these +were now, by the artifices made use of, greatly imposed on in regard to +me. I was represented to them in an odious light, as a strange +creature. Since, therefore, I must, O my Lord, be conformable to Thee, +to please Thee; I set more value on my humiliation, and on seeing +myself condemned of everybody, than if I saw myself on the summit of +honor in the world. How often have I said, even in the bitterness of my +heart, that I should be more afraid of one reproach of my conscience, +than of the outcry and condemnation of all men! + + + + +CHAPTER 21 + + +At this time I had my first acquaintance with the Bishop of Meaux. I +was introduced by an intimate friend, the Duke of Chevreuse. I gave him +the foregoing history of my life, and he confessed, that he had found +therein such an unction as he had rarely done in other books, and that +he had spent three days in reading it, with an impression of the +presence of God on his mind all that time. + +I proposed to the bishop to examine all my writings, which he took four +or five months to do, and then advanced all his objections; to which I +gave answers. From his unacquaintance with the interior paths, I could +not clear up all the difficulties which he found in them. + +He admitted that looking into the ecclesiastical histories for ages +past, we may see that God has sometimes made use of laymen, and of +women to instruct, edify, and help souls in their progress to +perfection. I think one of the reasons of God's acting thus, is that +glory may not be ascribed to any, but to Himself alone. For this +purpose, He has chosen the weak things of this world, to confound such +as are mighty. 1 Cor. 1:27. + +Jealous of the attributes which men pay to other men, which are due +only to Himself, He has made a paradox of such persons, that He alone +may have the glory of His own works. I pray God, with my whole heart, +sooner to crush me utterly, with the most dreadful destruction, than to +suffer me to take the least honor to myself, of anything which He has +been pleased to do by me for the good of others. I am only a poor +nothing. God is all-powerful. He delights to operate, and exercise His +power by mere nothings. + +The first time that I wrote a history of myself, it was very short. In +it I had particularized my faults and sins, and said little of the +favors of God. I was ordered to burn it, to write another, and in it to +omit nothing anyway remarkable that had befallen me. I did it. It is a +crime to publish secrets of the King; but it is a good thing to declare +the favors of the Lord our God, and to magnify His mercies. + +As the outcry against me became more violent, and Madame Maintenon was +moved to declare against me, I sent to her through the Duke of +Beauvilliers, requesting the appointment of proper persons to examine +my life and doctrines, offering to retire into any prison until fully +exculpated. My proposal was rejected. In the meantime, one of my most +intimate friends and supporters, Mons. Fouquet, was called away by +death. I felt his loss very deeply, but rejoiced in his felicity. He +was a true servant of God. + +Determined to retire out of the way of giving offense to any, I wrote +to some of my friends, and bade them a last farewell; not knowing +whether I were to be carried off by the indisposition which I then had, +which had been a constant fever for forty days past, or to recover from +it. + +Referring to the Countess of G. and the Duchess of M., I wrote, "When +these ladies and others were in the vanities of the world, when they +patched and painted, and some of them were in the way to ruin their +families by gaming and profusion of expense in dress, nobody arose to +say anything against it; they were quietly suffered to do it. But when +they have broken off from all this, then they cry out against me, as if +I had ruined them. Had I drawn them from piety into luxury, they would +not make such an outcry. The Duchess of M. at her giving herself up to +God, thought herself obliged to quit the court, which was to her like a +dangerous rock, in order to bestow her time on the education of her +children and the care of her family, which, till then, she had +neglected. I beseech you, therefore, to gather all the memorials you +can against me; if I am found guilty of the things they accuse me of, I +ought to be punished more than any other, since God has brought me to +know Him and love Him, and I am well assured that there is no communion +between Christ and Belial." + +I sent them my two little printed books, with my commentaries on the +Holy Scriptures. I also, by their order, wrote a work to facilitate +their examination, and to spare them as much time and trouble as I +could, which was to collect a great number of passages out of approved +writers, which showed the conformity of my writings with those used by +the holy penmen. I caused them to be transcribed by the quire, as I had +written them, in order to send them to the three commissioners. I also, +as occasion presented, cleared up the dubious and obscure places. I had +written them at a time when the affairs of Molinos had not broken out, +I used the less precaution in expressing my thoughts, not imagining +that they would ever be turned into an evil sense. This work was +entitled, 'THE JUSTIFICATIONS.' It was composed in fifty days, and +appeared to be very sufficient to clear up the matter. But the Bishop +of Meaux would never suffer it to be read. + +After all the examinations, and making nothing out against me, who +would not have thought but they would have left me to rest in peace? +Quite otherwise, the more my innocence appeared, the more did they, who +had undertaken to render me criminal, put every spring in motion to +effect it. I offered the Bishop of Meaux to go to spend some time in +any community within his diocese, that he might be better acquainted +with me. He proposed to me that of St. Mary de Meaux, which I accepted; +but in going in the depth of winter I had like to have perished in the +snow, being stopped four hours, the coach having entered into it, and +being almost buried in it, in a deep hollow. I was taken out at the +door with one maid. We sat upon the snow, resigned to the mercy of God, +and expected nothing but death. I never had more tranquillity of mind, +though chilled and soaked with the snow, which melted on us. Occasions +like these are such as show whether we are perfectly resigned to God or +not. This poor girl and I were easy in our minds, in a state of entire +resignation, though sure of dying if we passed the night there, and +seeing no likelihood of anyone coming to our succor. At length some +waggoners came up, who with difficulty drew us through the snow. + +The bishop, when he heard of it, was astonished, and had no little +self-complacency to think that I had thus risked my life to obey him so +punctually. Yet afterward he denounced it as artifice and hypocrisy. + +There were times indeed when I found nature overcharged; but the love +of God and His grace rendered sweet to me the very worst of bitters. +His invisible hand supported me; else I had sunk under so many +probations. Sometimes I said to myself, "All thy waves and thy billows +are gone over me," (Psa. 42:7). "Thou hast bent thy bow and set me as a +mark for the arrow; thou has caused all the arrows of thy quiver to +enter into my reins" (Lam. 3:12, 13). It seemed to me as if everyone +thought he was in the right to treat me ill, and rendered service to +God in doing it. I then comprehended that it was the very manner in +which Jesus Christ suffered. He was numbered with the transgressors, +(Mark 15:28). He was condemned by the sovereign pontiff, chief priests, +doctors of the law, and judges deputed by the Romans, who valued +themselves on doing justice. Happy they who by suffering for the will +of God under all the like circumstances, have so near a relation to the +sufferings of Jesus Christ! + +For six weeks after my arrival at Meaux, I was in a continual fever, +nor had I recovered from my indisposition, when I was waited on by the +bishop, who would fain have compelled me to give it under my hand, that +I did not believe the Word incarnate, (or Christ manifest in the +flesh). I answered him, that "through the grace of God, I know how to +suffer, even to death, but not how to sign such a falsehood." Several +of the nuns who overheard this conversation, and perceiving the +sentiments of the bishop, they joined with the Prioress, in giving a +testimonial, not only of my good conduct, but of their belief in the +soundness of my faith. + +The bishop some days after, brought me a confession of faith, and a +request to submit my books to the church, that I may sign it, promising +to give me a certificate, which he had prepared. On my delivering my +submission signed, he, notwithstanding his promise, refused to give the +certificate. Some time after, he endeavored to make me sign his +pastoral letter, and acknowledge that I had fallen into those errors, +which he there lays to my charge, and made many demands of me of the +like absurd and unreasonable nature, threatening me with those +persecutions I afterward endured, in case of non-compliance. However, I +continued resolute in refusing to put my name to falsehoods. At length, +after I had remained about six months at Meaux, he gave me the +certificate. Finding Mad. Maintenon disapproved of the certificate he +had granted, he wanted to give me another in place of it. My refusal to +deliver up the first certificate enraged him, and as I understood they +intended to push matters with the utmost violence, "I thought that +although I were resigned to whatever might fall out, yet I ought to +take prudent measures to avoid the threatening storm." Many places of +retreat were offered me; but I was not free in my mind to accept of +any, nor to embarrass anybody, nor involve in trouble my friends and my +family, to whom they might attribute my escape. I took the resolution +of continuing in Paris, of living there in some private place with my +maids, who were trusty and sure, and to hide myself from the view of +the world. I continued thus for five or six months. I passed the day +alone in reading, in praying to God, and in working. But the December +27, 1695, I was arrested, though exceedingly indisposed at that time, +and conducted to Vincennes. I was three days in the custody of Mons. +des Grez, who had arrested me; because the king would not consent to my +being put into prison; saying several times over, that a convent was +sufficient. They deceived him by still stronger calumnies. They painted +me in his eyes, in colors so black, that they made him scruple his +goodness and equity. He then consented to my being taken to Vincennes. + +I shall not speak of that long persecution, which has made so much +noise, for a series of ten years imprisonments, in all sorts of +prisons, and of a banishment almost as long, and not yet ended, through +crosses, calumnies, and all imaginable sorts of sufferings. There are +facts too odious on the part of divers persons, which charity induces +me to cover. + +I have borne long and sore languishings, and oppressive and painful +maladies without relief. I have been also inwardly under great +desolations for several months, in such sort that I could only say +these words, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me!" All creatures +seemed to be against me. I then put myself on the side of God, against +myself. + +Perhaps some will be surprised at my refusing to give the details of +the greatest and strongest crosses of my life, after I have related +those which were less. I thought it proper to tell something of the +crosses of my youth, to show the crucifying conduct which God held over +me. I thought myself obliged to relate certain facts, to manifest their +falsehood, the conduct of those by whom they had passed, and the +authors of those persecutions of which I have been only the accidental +object, as I was only persecuted, in order to involve therein persons +of great merit; whom, being out of their reach by themselves, they, +therefore, could not personally attack, but by confounding their +affairs with mine. I thought I owed this to religion, piety, my +friends, my family, and myself. + +While I was prisoner at Vincennes, and Monsieur De La Reine examined +me, I passed my time in great peace, content to pass the rest of my +life there, if such were the will of God. I sang songs of joy, which +the maid who served me learned by heart, as fast as I made them. We +together sang thy praises, O, my God! The stones of my prison looked in +my eyes like rubies; I esteemed them more than all the gaudy +brilliancies of a vain world. My heart was full of that joy which Thou +givest to them who love Thee, in the midst of their greatest crosses. + +When things were carried to the greatest extremities, being then in the +Bastile, I said, "O, my God, if thou art pleased to render me a new +spectacle to men and angels, Thy holy will be done!" + +DECEMBER, 1709. + + +Here she left off her narrative, though she lived a retired life above +seven years after this date. What she had written being only done in +obedience to the commands of her director. She died June 9, 1717, at +Blois, in her seventieth year. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Autobiography of Madame Guyon, by +Jeanne Marie Bouvier de La Motte Guyon + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MADAME GUYON *** + +***** This file should be named 22269.txt or 22269.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/2/2/6/22269/ + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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