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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 01:46:06 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 01:46:06 -0700 |
| commit | 3820f40a006248bd061cc8d9b58f7f5f3899ebfd (patch) | |
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diff --git a/21822-h/21822-h.htm b/21822-h/21822-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dbd8488 --- /dev/null +++ b/21822-h/21822-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2987 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="iso-8859-1"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + A Lecture on Heads, by Geo. Alex. Stevens + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Lecture On Heads, by Geo. Alex. Stevens + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Lecture On Heads + As Delivered By Mr. Charles Lee Lewes, To Which Is Added, + An Essay On Satire, With Forty-Seven Heads By Nesbit, From + Designs By Thurston, 1812 + +Author: Geo. Alex. Stevens + +Commentator: Pilon + +Illustrator: Thurston and Nesbit + +Release Date: June 12, 2007 [EBook #21822] +Last Updated: February 6, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A LECTURE ON HEADS *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + A LECTURE ON HEADS + </h1> + <h2> + By Geo. Alex. Stevens + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="cover (129K)" src="images/cover.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h3> + WITH ADDITIONS, <br /> By Mr. Pilon <br /> <br /> AS DELIVERED by Mr. Charles + Lee Lewes. <br /> <br /> TO WHICH IS ADDED, AN ESSAY ON SATIRE. <br /> WITH + FORTY-SEVEN HEADS By Nesbit, From Designs By Thurston. <br /> <br /> <br /> + 1812. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="titlepage (77K)" src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="frontispiece (101K)" src="images/frontispiece.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC. + </h2> + <p> + There having been several pirated editions published of this Lecture, it + is necessary to describe their nature, and to explain the manner in which + they were obtained; from which the public will judge, how much they have + been imposed upon by the different publishers. + </p> + <p> + When the Lecture was first exhibited, a very paltry abridgment was + published by a bookseller in the city. This edition was so different from + the original delivered by Mr. Stevens, that he thought it too contemptible + to affect his interest, which alone prevented him from commencing any + legal process against the <span class="pagenum">[VI]</span>publisher for + thus trespassing on his right and property. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Stevens, having exhibited his Lecture with most extraordinary success + in London, afterwards delivered it, with a continuance of that success, in + almost every principal town in England and Ireland. During this itinerant + stage of its exhibition, it had received great additions and improvements + from the hints and suggestions of Churchill, Howard, Shuter, and many + other wits, satirists, and humourists, of that day. It therefore + re-appeared again in London almost a new performance. This, I suppose, + induced another bookseller in the Strand to publish his edition, with + notes, written by a Reverend Gentleman: however this might be, Mr. Stevens + obtained an injunction against the continuance of that publication; he was + dissuaded from proceeding to trial by the interposition of friends, who + persuaded the litigants, over a bottle, to terminate their difference; Mr. + Stevens withdrew his action, and the publication was suppressed. I relate + this circumstance from <span class="pagenum">[VII]</span>the authority of + Mr. Stevens himself. The public will, no doubt, be surprised to find that + this Lecture should ever have been pirated, by one who is now complaining + of a similar act against himself. I am no advocate for any infringements + of right or property; but I cannot avoid thinking, that complaints of this + nature come with a very ill grace from those who have committed the same + species of literary depredations themselves. The last piratical + publication of this Lecture was by a stationer in Paternoster-Row, who has + had the assurance to use my name without having my authority, or even + asking my permission. He likewise very falsely and impudently asserts, + that he has published it as I spoke it at Covent-Garden theatre. It is so + much the contrary, that it contains not a syllable of the new matter with + which it was then augmented. With respect to the rest, it is taken from + the spurious and very imperfect abridgment first mentioned in this + piratical list. It is, therefore, evident, that the original Lecture was + never before published until this opportunity <span class="pagenum">[VIII]</span>which + I have taken of thus submitting it to the Public, for their approbation + and patronage, whose + </p> + <p> + Most humble and devoted servant + </p> + <p> + I am, + </p> + <p> + CHARLES LEE LEWES. + </p> + <p> + July 22, 1785. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PROL"> PROLOGUE </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> LECTURE ON HEADS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART1"> PART I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART2"> PART II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART3"> PART III. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART4"> PART IV. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_PART5"> PART V. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> AN ESSAY ON SATIRE. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_PROL" id="link2H_PROL"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PROLOGUE, + </h2> + <p> + Written By Mr. Pilon Spoken At The Theatre Royal, Covent-Garden, June 24, + 1780. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + All's safe here, I find, though the rabble rout + A few doors lower burnt the quorum out. + Sad times, when Bow-street is the scene of riot, + And justice cannot keep the parish quiet. + But peace returning, like the dove appears, + And this association stills my fears; + Humour and wit the frolic wing may spread, + And we give harmless Lectures on the Head. + Watchmen in sleep may be as snug as foxes, + And snore away the hours within their boxes; + Nor more affright the neighbourhood with warning, + Of past twelve o'clock, a troublesome morning. + Mynheer demanded, at the general shock, + "Is the Bank safe, or has it lower'd the stock?" + "Begar," a Frenchman cried, "the Bank we'll rob, + "For I have got the purse to bribe the mob."— + "Hoot awa, mon!" the loyal Scot replies, + "You'll lose your money, for we'll hong the spies: + "Fra justice now, my lad, ye shanna budge, + "Tho' ye've attack'd the justice and the judge."— + "Oh! hold him fast," says Paddy, "for I'll swear + "I saw the iron rails in Bloomsbury-square + "Burnt down to the ground, and heard the mob say, + "They'd burn down the Thames the very next day." + Tumult and riot thus on every side + Swept off fair order like the raging tide; + Law was no more, for, as the throng rush'd by, + "Woe to my Lord Chief Justice!" was the cry. + And he, rever'd by every muse so long, + Whom tuneful Pope immortaliz'd in song, + Than whom bright genius boasts no higher name, + Ev'n he could find no sanctuary in fame; + With brutal rage the Vandals all conspire, + And rolls of science in one blaze expire. + But England, like the lion, grows more fierce + As dangers multiply, and foes increase; + Her gen'rous sons, with Roman ardour warm, + In martial bands to shield their country arm, + And when we trembled for the city's fate, + Her youth stood forth the champions of the state; + Like brothers, leagu'd by nature's holy tie, + A parent land to save, or bravely die. + Did Britons thus, like brothers, always join, + In vain to crush them would the world combine; + Discord domestic would no more be known, + And brothers learn affection from the throne. + But know your Lecturer's awful hour is come + When you must bid him live, or seal his doom! + He knows 'tis hard a leader's post to fill + Of fame superior, and more ripen'd skill. + The blame will all be mine, if troops should fail, + Who'd lose their heads, but never could turn tail + Who no commander ever disobey'd, + Or overlook'd the signals which he made. + Under your auspices the field I take, + For a young general some allowance make; + But if disgracefully my army's led, + Let this court-martial then cashier my head. +</pre> + <h3> + ADDITIONAL LINES TO THE PROLOGUE, <br /> Spoken At Newbury, <br /> In + Consequence Of Lady Craven Bespeaking The Lecture, + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Who Had Published + Some Lines On Dreaming + She Saw Her Heart At Her Feet. + + Written By Mr. Pratt. + + 'MIDST scenes like these, for so her lines impart, + The Queen of Benham lost that gem her heart; + Scar'd by the din, her bosom treasure flew, + And with it every grace and muse withdrew. + But far, or long, the wanderer could not roam, + For wit and taste soon brought the truant home! + One tuneful sonnet at her feet it sung, + Then to her breast, its snowy mansion, sprung; + Thither it went, the virtues in its train, + To hail the panting blessing back again. + On its fair throne it now appears as Queen, + And sheds its lustre o'er this humble scene; + Its radiant sceptre deigns o'er me to spread + The genial beams which fancy feign'd were fled. + Ah, no! her gentle heart this night is here; + Where'er 'tis wanted-you will find it there: + In vain the Muse shall fix it on the floor, + It knocks this ev'ning at the Lecturer's door, + And smiles, with him, that riot is no more. +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + LECTURE ON HEADS. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_PART1" id="link2H_PART1"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART I. + </h2> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[1]</span>Every single speaker, who, like me, + attempts to entertain an audience, has not only the censure of that + assembly to dread, but also every part of his own behaviour to fear. The + smallest error of voice, judgment, or delivery, will be noted: "All that + can be presumed upon in his favour is, <i>a hope</i> that he may meet with + that indulgence which an English audience are so remarkable <i>for</i>, + and that every exhibition stands so much in need <i>of</i>." + </p> + <p> + This method of lecturing is a very ancient custom; Juno, the wife of + Jupiter, being the first who gave her husband a lecture, and, from the + place wherein that oration was supposed to have been delivered, they have + always, since that time, been called <i>curtain lectures</i>. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[2]</span>But, before I pretend to make free with + other people's heads, it may be proper to say something upon my own, if + upon my own any thing could be said to the purpose; but, after many + experiments, finding I could not make any thing of my own, I have taken + the liberty to try what I could do by exhibiting a Collection of Heads + belonging to other people. But here is a head [shews Stevens''s head] I + confess I have more than once wished on my own shoulders: but I fear my + poor abilities will bring a blush into its cheeks. In this head Genius + erected a temple to Originality, where Fancy and Observation resided; and + from their union sprang this numerous and whimsical progeny. This is the + head of George Alexander Stevens, long known and long respected; a man + universally acknowledged of infinite wit and most excellent fancy; one who + gave peculiar grace to the jest, and could set the table in a roar with + flashes of merriment: but wit and humour were not his only excellencies; + he possessed a keenness of satire, that made Folly hide her head in the + highest places, and Vice tremble in the bosoms of the great: but now, + blessed with that affluence which genius and prudence are sure to acquire + in England, the liberal patroness of the fine arts, he now enjoys that + ease his talents <span class="pagenum">[3]</span>have earned, whilst Fame, + like an evening sun, gilds the winter of his life with mild, but cheerful + beams. With respect, but honest ambition, I have undertaken to fill his + place, and hope my attention and zeal to please, will speak in behalf of + conscious inferiority. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p003 (31K)" src="images/p003.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + A HEAD, to speak in the gardener's style, is a mere <i>bulbous excrescence</i>, + growing out from between the shoulders like a wen; it is supposed to be a + mere expletive, just to wear a hat on, to fill up the hollow of a wig, to + take snuff with, or have your hair dressed upon. + </p> + <p> + Some of these heads are manufactured in <i>wood</i>, some in <i>pasteboard</i>; + which is a hint to shew there may not only be <i>block-heads</i>, but also + <i>paper-skulls</i>. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[4]</span>Physicians acquaint us that, upon any + fright or alarm, the spirits fly up into the <i>head</i>, and the blood + rushes violently back to the <i>heart</i>. Hence it is, politicians + compare the human constitution and the nation's constitution together: + they supposing the head to be the <i>court</i> end of the town, and the + heart the <i>country</i>; for people in the country seem to be taking + things to heart, and people at court seem to wish to be at the head of + things. + </p> + <p> + We make a mighty bustle about the twenty-four letters; how many changes + they can ring, and how many volumes they have composed; yet, let us look + upon the many millions of mankind, and see if any two faces are alike. + Nature never designed several faces which we see; it is the odd exercise + they give the muscles belonging to their visages occasions such looks: as, + for example; we meet in the streets with several people talking to + themselves, and seem much pleased with such conversation. [<i>Here take + them off.</i>] Some people we see staring at every thing, and wondering + with a foolish face of praise, [<i>make a face here</i>]; some laughing, + some crying. Now crying and laughing are contrary effects, the least + alteration of features occasions the difference; it is turning <i>up</i> + the muscles to laugh [<i>do so here</i>], and <i>down</i> to cry. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[5]</span>Yet laughter is much mistook, no person + being capable of laughing, who is incapable of thinking. For some people + suddenly break out into violent spasms, ha, ha, ha! and then without any + gradation, change at once into downright stupidity; as for example-[<i>Here + shews the example.</i>] + </p> + <p> + In speaking about faces, we shall now exhibit a bold face. [<i>Shews the + head. </i>] + </p> + <p> + width="100%" /><br /> <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p005 (43K)" src="images/p005.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + This is Sir Whisky Whiffle. He is one of those mincing, tittering, + tip-toe, tripping animalculæ of the times, that flutter about fine women + like flies in a flower garden; as harmless, and as constant as their + shadows, they dangle by the side of beauty like part of their watch + equipage, as glittering, as light, and as useless; and the ladies suffer + <span class="pagenum">[6]</span>such things about them, as they wear + soufflée gauze, not as things of value, but merely to make a shew with: + they never say any thing to the purpose; but with this in their hands [<i>takes + up an eye-glass</i>] they stare at ladies, as if they were a jury of + astronomers, executing a writ of inquiry upon some beautiful planet: they + imagine themselves possessed of the power of a rattle-snake, who can, as + it is said, fascinate by a look; and that every fine woman must, at first + sight, fall into their arms.—"Ha! who's that, Jack? she's a devilish + fine woman, 'pon honour, an immensely lovely creature; who is she? She + must be one of us; she must be comeatable, 'pon honour."—"No, Sir," + replies a stranger, that overheard him, "she's a lady of strict virtue."—"Is + she so? I'll look at her again—ay, ay, she may be a lady of strict + virtue, for, now I look at her again, there is something devilish + un-genteel about her." + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p007 (92K)" src="images/p007.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[7]</span><i>Wigs</i>, as well as <i>books</i>, are + furniture for the head, and both <i>wigs</i> and <i>books</i> are + sometimes equally voluminous. We may therefore suppose this wig [<i>shews + a large wig</i>] to be a huge quarto in large paper; this is a duodecimo + in small print [<i>takes the knowing head</i>]; and this a jockey's head, + sweated down to ride a sweepstakes. [<i>Takes the jockey's head.</i>] Now + a jockey's head and a horse's head have great affinity, for the jockey's + head can pull the horse's head on which side of the post the rider + pleases: but what sort of heads must those people have who know such + things are done, and will trust such sinking funds with their capitals? + These are a couple of heads which, in the <span class="pagenum">[8]</span>Sportsman's + Calendar, are called a brace of knowing ones; and, as a great many people + about London affect to be thought knowing ones, they dress themselves in + these fashions, as if it could add to the dignity of ahead, to shew they + have taken their degrees from students in the stable, up to the masters of + arts, upon a coach-box. [<i> Gives the two heads off, and takes the + book-case.</i>] + </p> + <p> + The phrase of wooden-heads is no longer paradoxical; some people set up + wooden studies, cabinet-makers become book-makers, and a man may shew a + parade of much reading, by only the assistance of a timber-merchant. A + student in the temple may be furnished with a collection of law books cut + from a <i>whipping-post</i>; physical dictionaries may be had in <i>Jesuits' + bark</i>; a treatise upon duels in <i>touchwood</i>; the history of + opposition in <i>wormwood</i>; Shakespeare's works in <i>cedar</i>, his + commentators in <i>rotten wood</i>; the reviewers in birch, and the + history of England in <i>heart of oak</i>. + </p> + <p> + Mankind now make use of substitutes in more things than book-making and + militia-men: some husbands are apt to substitute inferior women to their + own ladies, like the idiot, who exchanged a brilliant for a piece of + broken looking-glass; of such husbands we can only say, they have <span + class="pagenum">[9]</span>borrowed their education from these libraries, + and have wooden, very wooden tastes indeed. [<i> Gives it off.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p009 (40K)" src="images/p009.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Here's a head full charged for <i>fun</i> [<i>takes the head</i>], a + comical half-foolish face, what a great many upon the stage can put on, + and what a great many people, not upon the stage, can't put off. This man + always laughed at what he said himself, and he imagined a man of wit must + always be upon the broad grin; and whenever he was in company he was + always teasing some one to be merry, saying, "Now you, muster what do you + call 'im? do now say something to make us all laugh; come, do now be + comical a little." But if there is no <span class="pagenum">[10]</span>other + person will speak, he will threaten to "tell you a story to make you die + with laughing," and he will assure you, "it is the most bestest and most + comicallest story that ever you heard in all your born days;" and he + always interlards his narration with "so as I was a saying, says I, and so + as he was a saying, says he; so says he to me, and I to him, and he to me + again;——did you ever hear any thing more comical in all your + born days?" But after he has concluded his narration, not finding any + person even to smile at what he said, struck with the disappointment, he + puts on a sad face himself, and, looking round upon the company, he says, + "It was a good story when I heard it too: why then so, and so, and so, + that's all, that's all, gentlemen." [<i>Puts on a foolish look, and gives + the head off.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p011 (45K)" src="images/p011.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[11]</span>Here is Master Jacky [<i>takes the head</i>], + mamma's darling; when she was with child of him she dreamt she was brought + to bed of a pincushion. He was never suffered to look into a book for fear + of making him round-shouldered, yet was an immense scholar for all that; + his mamma's woman had taught him all Hoyle by heart, and he could + calculate to a single tea-spoonful how much cream should be put into a + codlin tart. He wears a piece of lace which seems purloined from a lady's + tucker, and placed here, to shew that such beings as these can make no + other use of ladies' favours than to expose them. Horace had certainly + such a character in view by his <i>dulcissime rerum</i>—"sweetest of + all things;" all essence and effeminacy; <span class="pagenum">[12]</span>and + that line of his—<i>Quid Agis, dulcissime rerum?</i> may be + rendered, "What ails you, master Jacky?" As they have rivalled the ladies + in the delicacy of their complexion, the ladies therefore have a right to + make reprisals, and to take up that manliness which our sex seems to have + cast off. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p012 (80K)" src="images/p012.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Here is a Lady in her fashionable uniform. [<i>Takes up the head.</i>] She + looks as if marching at the head of a battalion, or else up before day to + follow the hounds with spirit; while this lies in bed all the morning, + with his hands wrapped up in chicken gloves, his complexion covered with + milk of roses, essence of May-dew, and lily of the valley water. This does + honour to creation; this <span class="pagenum">[13]</span>disgraces it. + And so far have these things femalized themselves, by effeminate + affections, that, if a lady's cap was put on this head, Master Jacky might + be taken for Miss Jenny [<i>puts a lady's cap on the head of Master Jacky</i>]; + therefore grammarians can neither rank them as <i>masculine</i> or <i>feminine</i>, + so set them down of the <i>doubtful</i> gender. [<i>Puts off the heads.</i>] + </p> + <p> + Among the multitude of odd characters with which this kingdom abounds, + some are called generous fellows, some honest fellows, and some devilish + clever fellows. Now the generous fellow is treat-master; the honest fellow + is toast-master; and the devilish clever fellow he is singing-master, who + is to keep the company alive for four or five hours; then your honest + fellow is to drink them all dead afterwards. They married into Folly's + family, from whom they received this crest, and which nobody chooses to be + known by. [<i> Takes up the fool's cap.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p014 (45K)" src="images/p014.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[14]</span>This Fool's Cap is the greatest wanderer + known; it never comes home to any body, and is often observed to belong to + every body but themselves. It is odd, but the word nobody, and the term + nothing, although no certain ideas can be affixed to them, are often made + such use of in conversation. Philosophers have declared they knew nothing, + and it is common for us to talk about doing nothing; for, from ten to + twenty we go to school to be taught what from twenty to thirty we are very + apt to forget; from thirty to forty we begin to settle; from forty to + fifty we think away as fast as we can; from fifty to sixty we are very + careful in our accounts; and from sixty to seventy we cast up what all our + thinking comes to; and then, <span class="pagenum">[15]</span>what between + our losses and our gains, our enjoyments and our inquietudes, even with + the addition of old age, we can but strike this balance [<i>Takes the + board with cyphers</i>]—These are a number of nothings, they are + hieroglyphics of part of human kind; for in life, as well as in + arithmetic, there are a number of nothings, which, like these cyphers, + mean nothing in themselves, and are totally insignificant; but, by the + addition of a single figure at their head, they assume rank and value in + an instant. The meaning of which is, that nothing may be turned into + something by the single power of any one who is lord of a golden manor. [<i>Turns + the board, shews the golden one.</i>] But, as these persons' gains come + from nothing, we may suppose they will come to nothing; and happy are they + who, amidst the variations of nothing, have nothing to fear: if they have + nothing to lose, they have nothing to lament; and, if they have done + nothing to be ashamed of, they have every thing to hope for. Thus + concludes the dissertation upon nothing, which the exhibitor hopes he has + properly executed, by making nothing of it. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p016 (61K)" src="images/p016.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[16]</span>This is the head of a London Blood, taken + from the life. [<i>Holds the head up.</i>] He wears a bull's forehead for + a fore-top, in commemoration of that great blood of antiquity, called + Jupiter, who turned himself into a bull to run away with Europa: and to + this day bloods are very fond of making beasts of themselves. He imagined + that all mirth consisted in doing mischief, therefore he would throw a + waiter out of the window, and bid him to be put into the reckoning, toss a + beggar in a blanket, play at chuck with china plates, run his head against + a wall, hop upon one leg for an hour together, carry a red-hot poker round + the room between his teeth, and say, "done first for fifty." + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p017 (75K)" src="images/p017.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[17]</span>He was quite the thing, either for + kicking up a riot, or keeping it up after he had kicked it up: he was + quite the thing, for one day he kicked an old woman's codlin-kettle about + the streets: another time he shoved a blind horse into a china shop—<i>that + was damned jolly</i>: he was a constant customer to the round house: a + terror to modest women, and a dupe to the women of the town; of which this + is exhibited as a portrait. [<i> Take the head.</i>] This is the head of a + Man of the Town, or a Blood; and this of a Woman of the Town, or a ———; + but whatever other title the lady may have, we are not entitled to take + notice of it; all that we can say is, that we beg Mirth will spare one + <span class="pagenum">[18]</span>moment to Pity; let not delicacy be + offended if we pay a short tribute of compassion to these unhappy examples + of misconduct; indeed, in the gay seasons of irregular festivity, + indiscretion appears thus—[<i>takes off that, shews the other:</i>] + but there is her certain catastrophe; how much therefore ought common + opinion to be despised, which supposes the same fact, that betrays female + honour, can add to that of a gentleman's. When a beauty is robbed, the hue + and cry which is raised, is never raised in her favour; deceived by + ingratitude, necessity forces her to continue criminal, she is ruined by + our sex, and prevented reformation by the reproaches of her own. [<i>Takes + it off.</i>] As this is the head of a Blood going to keep it up [<i>takes + it off</i>], here is the head of a Blood after he has kept it up. [<i>Shews + that head.</i>] This is the head of a married Blood—what a pretty + piece of additional furniture this is to a lady of delicacy's bed-chamber: + What then? it's beneath a man of spirit, with a bumper in his hand, to + think of a wife: that would be spoiling his sentiment: no, he is to keep + it up, and to shew in what manner our London Bloods do keep it up. We + shall conclude the first part of this lecture by attempting a specimen—[<i>puts + on the Blood's wig</i>]: "Keep it up, huzza! <span class="pagenum">[19]</span>keep + it up! I loves fun, for I made a fool of my father last April day. I will + tell you what makes me laugh so; we were keeping it up, faith, so about + four o'clock this morning I went down into the kitchen, and there was Will + the waiter fast asleep by the kitchen fire; the dog cannot keep it up as + we do: so what did I do, but I goes softly, and takes the tongs, and I + takes a great red-hot coal out of the fire, as big as my head, and I + plumpt it upon the fellow's foot, because I loves fun; so it has lamed the + fellow, and that makes me laugh so. You talk of your saying good things; I + said one of the best things last week that ever any man said in all the + world. It was what you call your <i>rappartées</i>, your <i>bobinâtes</i>. + I'll tell you what it was: You must know, I was in high spirits, faith, so + I stole a dog from a blind man, for I do love fun! so then the blind man + cried for his dog, and that made me laugh; so says I to the blind man, + 'Hip, master, do you want your dog?' 'Yes, sir,' says he. Now, only mind + what I said to the blind man. Says I, 'Do you want your dog?' 'Yes, sir,' + says he. Then says I to the blind man, says I, 'Go look for him.'—Keep + it up! keep it up!—That's the worst of it, I always turn sick when I + think of a parson, I always do; and my brother he <span class="pagenum">[20]</span>is + a parson too, and he hates to hear any body swear; so I always swear when + I am along with him, to roast him. I went to dine with him one day last + week, and there was my sisters, and two or three more of what you call + your modest women; but I sent 'em all from the table before the dinner was + half over, for I loves fun; and so there was nobody but my brother and me, + and I begun to swear; I never swore so well in all my life; I swore all my + new oaths; it would have done you good to have heard me swear: so then, my + brother looked frightened, and that was fun. At last he laid down his + knife and fork, and lifting up his hands and his eyes, he calls out, <i>Oh + Tempora! oh Mores!</i>—-'Oh ho, brother!' says I, 'what, you think + to frighten me, by calling all your family about you; but I don't mind + you, nor your family neither—Only bring Tempora and Mores here, + that's all; I'll box them for five pounds; here,—where's Tempora and + Mores? where are they?—Keep it up! keep it up!" + </p> + <p> + END OF PART I. <a name="link2H_PART2" id="link2H_PART2"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART II. + </h2> + <p> + THE FIVE SCIENCES: ARCHITECTURE, PAINTING, POETRY, MUSIC, AND ASTRONOMY. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[21]</span>This is a small exhibition of pictures. + These pictures are placed here to shew the partiality of the present + times. Formerly seven cities contended for the honour of having Homer for + their countryman; but as soon as it was known these sciences were born in + England, the whole club of Connoiseurs exclaimed against them, saying, it + was impossible that there could be any real genius among them, our + atmosphere being too thick and too heavy to nourish any fine ideas. These + sciences, being found out to be mere English, were treated as impostors; + for, as they had not a handsome wife, nor sister, to speak for them, not + one single election vote in their family, nor a shilling in their pockets + to bribe the turnpike <span class="pagenum">[22]</span>door-keeper, they + could not succeed; besides, Chinese, zig-zag, and gothic imitations, + monopolized all premiums: and the envy of prejudice, and the folly of + fashion, made a party against them. They were so weak in themselves, as to + imagine the merits of their works would recommend them to the world. Poor + creatures! they knew nothing of the world, to suppose so; for merit is the + only thing in the world not recommendable. To prevent starving, + Architecture hired herself as a brick-layer's <span class="pagenum">[23]</span>labourer + to a Chinese temple-builder; Painting took on as a colour-grinder to a + paper-stainer; Poetry turned printer's devil; Music sung ballads about the + streets: and Astronomy <span class="pagenum">[24]</span>sold almanacks. + They rambled about in this manner for some time; at last, they picked up + poor Wit, who lay ill of some bruises he had received one masquerade + night. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p022 (84K)" src="images/p022.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p023a (64K)" src="images/p023a.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p023b (54K)" src="images/p023b.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + As poor Wit was coming down the Haymarket, just as the masquerade was + breaking up, the noise of a pickpocket was announced, upon which + Buffoonery fell upon Wit, and mangled him most piteously. Invention stood + Wit's friend, and help-ed him to make his escape to those Sciences. Now it + happened that night, Lady Fashion had lost her lap-dog, which Wit found, + and brought to these his companions, for whom Architecture built a little + house; Painting made a portrait of it: Poetry wrote a copy of verses upon + it, which Music put a tune to; and Astronomy calculated the dear + creature's nativity; which so pleased Lady Fashion, that she recommended + them to the house of Ostentation, but left Wit behind, because as wit was + out of taste, Fashion would not have any thing to say to it. However, some + of her Ladyship's upper servants invited Wit into the steward's room, and, + according to the idea some folks have of Wit, they begged he'd be comical. + One brought him a poker to bend over his arm; another desired he would eat + a little fire for 'em before dinner; the <span class="pagenum">[25]</span>butler + requested a tune upon the musical glasses; my lady's woman desired he + would tell her fortune by the cards; and the grooms said, "as how, if his + honour was a wit, he could ride upon three horses at once." But before Wit + could answer to any of these questions, the French governess belonging to + the family came down stairs, and ordered Wit to be turned out of doors, + saying, "Vat want you vid Vit, when you are studying à la Françoise? I'll + vous assurez, I'll vous assurez, if you will have us for your masters, you + must have no vit at all." [<i>The sciences taken off.</i>] + </p> + <p> + Poor Wit being turned out of doors, wandered about friendless, for it was + never yet known that a man's wit ever gained him a friend. He applied + himself to the proprietors of the newspapers, but upon their inquiring + whether he understood politics, and being totally ignorant of them, they + would not employ him. He enquired after Friendship, but found Friendship + was drowned at the last general election; he went to find out Hospitality, + but Hospitality being invited to a turtle-feast, there was no room for + Wit; he asked after Charity, but it being found that Charity was that day + run over by a bishop's new set of coach-horses, he died broken-hearted, + being a distemper which, although <span class="pagenum">[26]</span>not + catalogued in the Materia Medica, is very epidemical among beautiful + women, and men of genius, who, having worn themselves out in making other + people happy, are at last neglected, and left to perish amid age and + infirmity, wondering how the world could be so ungrateful. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p026 (58K)" src="images/p026.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Here is the Head of a Connoisseur. [<i>Takes the head.</i>]—Though + born in this kingdom, he had travelled long enough to fall in love with + every thing foreign, and despise every thing belonging to his own country, + except himself. He pretended to be a great judge of paintings, but only + admired those done a great way off, and a great while ago; he could not + bear anything done by any of his own countrymen; and one day being in an + auction-room where <span class="pagenum">[27]</span>there was a number of + capital pictures, and, among the rest, an inimitable piece of painting of + fruits and flowers, the Connoisseur would not give his opinion of the + picture until he had examined his catalogue, and finding it was done by an + Englishman, he pulled out his eye-glass [<i>Takes the eyeglass,</i>] "O, + Sir," says he, "these English fellows have no more idea of genius than a + Dutch skipper has of dancing a cotillion; the dog has spoiled a fine piece + of canvas; he's worse than a Harp-Alley sign-post dauber; there's no + keeping, no perspective, no fore-ground;—why there now, the fellow + <span class="pagenum">[28]</span>has attempted to paint a fly upon that + rose-bud, why it's no more like a fly than I am like an a—a—." + But as the connoisseur approached his finger to the picture, the fly flew + away—His eyes are half closed; this is called the wise man's wink, + and shews he can see the world with half an eye; he had so wonderful a + penetration, so inimitable a forecast, he always could see how every thing + was to be—after the affair was over. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p027 (77K)" src="images/p027.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Then talking of the affairs of administration, he told his lordship, that + he could see how things were all along, they could not deceive him. "I can + see if other people can't; I can see, if the ministry take the lead, they + won't be behind hand." This man found out the only scheme that ever could + be invented for paying off the national debt; the scheme that he found + out, he discovered to the ministry as follows: + </p> + <p> + "Now, my lord duke, I have a scheme to pay off our nation's debt without + burthening the subject with a fresh tax; my scheme is as follows: I would + have all the Thames water bottled up, and sold for Spa water. Who'll buy + it, you'll say? Why the waterman's company must buy it, or they never + could work their boats any more: there's a <span class="pagenum">[29]</span>scheme + to pay off the nation's debt, without burthening the subject with a fresh + tax." [<i> Takes the head off.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p029 (61K)" src="images/p029.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Here is a companion for that connoisseur; this is one of your worldly-wise + men, wise in his own conceit; he laughed at all modes of faith, and would + have a reason given him for every thing. He disinherited his only son + because the lad could not give him a reason why a black hen laid a white + egg. He was a great materialist, and thus he proved the infinity of + matter. He told them, that all round things were globular, all square + things flat-sided. Now, Sir, if the bottom is equal to the top, and the + top equal to the bottom, and the <span class="pagenum">[30]</span>bottom + and the top are equal to the four sides, <i>ergo</i>, all matter is as + broad as it is long. But he had not in his head matter sufficient to prove + matter efficient; being thus deficient, he knew nothing of the matter. [<i> + Takes off the head.</i>] + </p> + <p> + We shall now exhibit a Freeholder's Head in a very particular state—in + a state of intoxication. [<i>Shews the head.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p030 (59K)" src="images/p030.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + These pieces of money are placed like doors over the senses, to open and + shut just as the distributor of the medicine pleases. And here is an + election picture [<i>shews it</i>]: all hands are catching at this; 'tis + an interpretation of that famous sentiment, "May we have in our arms those + we love in our hearts." Now the day of election is <span class="pagenum">[31]</span>madman's + holiday, 'tis the golden day of liberty, which every voter, on that day, + takes to market, and is his own salesman: for man at that time being + considered as a mere machine, is acted upon as machines are, and, to make + his wheels move properly, he is properly greased in the fist. [<i> Gives + off the picture. </i>] Every freeholder enjoys his portion of septennial + insanity: he'll eat and drink with every body without paying for it, + because he's bold and free; then he'll knock down every body who won't say + as he says, to prove his abhorrence of arbitrary power, and preserve the + liberty of Old England for ever, huzza! [<i>Gives off the head.</i>] + </p> + <p> + The first contested election happened between the three goddesses upon + Mount Ida, whose names were, Juno, Minerva, and Venus, when Paris was the + returning officer, who decreed in favour of Venus, by presenting her with + the golden apple. [<i> Takes up the money.</i>] Juno, on her approaching + Paris, told him, that though it was beneath her dignity to converse with a + mortal, yet, if he would be her friend, she would make him a nabob. + Minerva told him how that learning was better than house and land, and if + he would be her friend, she would teach him <i>propria quæ maribus</i>. + But Venus, who thought it would be wasting time to make <span + class="pagenum">[32]</span>use of words, gave him such a look as put her + in possession of the golden apple. The queen of beauty, out of gratitude + to Paris, who had so well managed the election for her, made him a present + of several slices of that golden pippin, and, in commemoration of that + event, such slices have been made use of as presents at all other general + elections; they have a sympathy like that which happens to electrical + wires, let a hundred hold them in their hands, their sensations will be + the same; but they differ from electricity in one essential point, which + is, that though the touch be ever so great, it never shocks people. + </p> + <p> + It is a general remark, that novelty is the master-passion of the English; + nothing goes down without it, and nothing so gross, that it will not make + palatable; the art therefore of insuring success in this town to every + adventurer, is, to hit upon something new, as the phrase is; no matter + what it is, it will prove equally attracting, whether it be a woman riding + upon her head at Westminster-Bridge, or one without any head at all, + debating upon politics and religion at Westminster Forum: but here, let + not my fair countrywomen condemn me as an unmannerly satirist; we respect + the taste and understanding, as much as we admire <span class="pagenum">[33]</span>the + beauty and delicacy of the sex; but surely no woman of sense would suppose + we meant to offend her, if we said she was the most improper person in the + world to be made a captain of horse, or a member of parliament. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p033 (52K)" src="images/p033.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + This is the head [<i>takes the head</i>] of a Female Moderator, or + President of the Ladies' Debating Society: she can prove to a + demonstration that man is an usurper of dignities and preferments, and + that her sex has a just right to participation of both with him: she would + have physicians in petticoats, and lawyers with high heads and French + curls; then she would have <i>young</i> women of spirit to command our + fleets and armies, and <i>old</i> ones to govern the state:—she + pathetically laments that <span class="pagenum">[34]</span>women are + considered as mere domestic animals, fit only for making puddings, + pickling cucumbers, or registering cures for the measles and chincough. If + this lady's wishes for reformation should ever be accomplished, we may + expect to hear that an admiral is in the histerics, that a general has + miscarried, and that a prime minister was brought to bed the moment she + opened the budget. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p034 (78K)" src="images/p034.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + This is the head [<i>shews it</i>] of a Male Moderator, and president of + eloquence, at one of her schools in this metropolis. We have schools for + fencing, schools for dancing, and schools at which we learn every thing + but those things which we <span class="pagenum">[35]</span>ought to learn: + but this is a school to teach a man to be an orator; it can convert a + cobler into a Demosthenes; make him thunder over porter, and lighten over + gin, and qualify him to speak on either side of the question in the house + of commons, who has not so much as a single vote for a member of + parliament. + </p> + <p> + Here political tobacconists smoke the measures of government in cut and + dry arguments; here opposition taylors prove the nation has been cabbaged; + here sadlers, turned statesmen, find a curb for the ministry; here the + minority veteran players argue that the scene ought to be shifted; that + the king's household wants a better manager; that there is no necessity + for a wardrobe-keeper; that his majesty's company are a set of very bad + actors; and he humbly moves that the king should discharge his prompter. + Some time ago, the president of this society had a great constitutional + point to decide; but not acquitting himself to the satisfaction of the + ladies, this spirited female seized the chair of state, and with the crack + of her fan opened the business of the evening; declaring, as women had + wisely abolished the vulgar custom of domestic employment, she saw no + reason why their knowledge should be confined to the dress of a <span + class="pagenum">[36]</span>head or the flounce of a petticoat; that + government, in peace and war, was as much their province as the other sex, + nay more; with regard to peace, very little was to be expected where women + did not rule with absolute sway; in respect to war, she insisted, at + least, upon an equivalent, and quoted the examples of many heroines, from + the days of Boadicea, who headed her own armies, down to Hannah Snell, who + served in the ranks; she appealed to her auditors if, notwithstanding + their plumes, that assembly had not as warlike an appearance as half the + officers of the guards, and doubted not but they'd prove to have full as + much courage, if ever put to their shifts. "In history and politics," + continued she, "have not we a Macaulay? in books of entertainment, a + Griffiths? and in dramatic works an author that, in the last new comedy of + '<i>Which is the Man</i>,' disputes the bays with the genius of Drury? + Ladies, were it possible to find a man that would dispute the eloquence of + our tongues, I am sure he must readily yield to the superior eloquence of + our eyes." The gallery cried 'Bravo!' the assembly joined in general + plaudit; and Miss Susannah Cross-stich was chosen nem. con. perpetual + president. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[37]</span>Before I put these heads on one side, I + shall give a derivation of their title. Moderator is derived from <i>mode</i>, + the fashion, and <i>rate</i>, a tax; and, in its compound sense, implies + that Fashion advised these two to lay their heads together, in order to + take advantage of the passion of the public for out-of-the-way opinions, + and out-of-the-way undertakings. This head seems to be of that order that + should inculcate the doctrine of charity, meekness, and benevolence: but, + not finding his labours in the vineyard sufficiently rewarded, according + to the value he sets upon himself, is now (like many of his functions) an + apostate from grace to faction; and, with a political pamphlet in his + hand, instead of a moral discourse, the pulpit is now become (as Hudibras + expresses it) a drum ecclesiastic, and volunteers are beat up for in that + place, where nothing should be thought of but proselytes to truth. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p038 (45K)" src="images/p038.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[38]</span>Among the many heads that have played + upon the passions of the public, this is one [<i>takes the head'</i>] that + did cut a capital figure in that way. This is the head of Jonas, or the + card-playing conjuring Jew. He could make matadores with a snap of his + fingers, command the four aces with a whistle, and get odd tricks. But + there is a great many people in London, besides this man, famous for + playing odd tricks, and yet no conjurers neither. This man would have made + a great figure in the law, as he is so dexterous a conveyancer. But the + law is a profession that does not want any jugglers. Nor do we need any + longer to load our heads with the weight of learning, or pore <span + class="pagenum">[39]</span> for years over arts and sciences, when a few + months' practice with these pasteboard pages [<i>takes the cards</i>] can + make any man's fortune, without his understanding a single letter of the + alphabet, provided he can but slip the cards, snap his fingers, and utter + the unintelligible jargon of 'presto, passa, largo, mento, cocolorum, yaw' + like this Jonas. The moment he comes into company, and takes up a pack of + cards, he begins, "I am no common slight-of hand man; the common + slight-of-hand men, they turn up the things up their sleeves, and make you + believe their fingers deceive your eyes. Now, sir, you shall draw one + card, two cards, three cards, four cards, five cards, half a dozen cards; + you look at the card at this side, you look at the card at that side, and + I say blow the blast; the blast is blown, the card is flown, yaw, yaw: and + now, sir, I will do it once more over again, to see whether my fingers can + once more deceive your eyes. I'll give any man ten thousand pounds if he + do the like. You look at the card of this side, you look at the card on + that side; when I say blow the blast, the blast is blown, the card is + shown, yaw, yaw." But this conjurer, at length discovering that most + practitioners on cards, now-a-days, know as many tricks as himself, <span + class="pagenum">[40]</span>and finding his slights of hand turned to + little or no account, now practises on notes of hand by discount, and is + to be found every morning at twelve in Duke's-place, up to his knuckles in + dirt, and at two at the Bank coffee-house, up to his elbows in money, + where these locusts of society, over a dish of coffee and the book of + interest, supply the temporary wants of necessitous men, and are sure to + out-wit 'em, had they even the cunning of a... Fox! + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p040 (44K)" src="images/p040.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Here is the head of another Fashionable Foreigner [<i>shews the head</i>], + a very simple machine; for he goes upon one spring, self-interest. This + head may be compared to a <i>disoblezeance</i>; for there is but one seat + in it, and that is not the seat <span class="pagenum">[41]</span>of + understanding: yet it is wonderful how much more rapidly this will move in + the high road of preferment than one of your thinking, feeling, complex, + English heads, in which honour, integrity, and reason, make such a pother, + that no step can be taken without consulting them. This head, if I may be + allowed to speak with an Irish accent, was a long time boasting of his <i>feats</i>: + but the last <i>fète</i> he attempted proved his <i>defeat</i>; for, in + springing too high, he got such a fall as would disgrace an Englishman for + ever, and which none but a foreigner's head could recover. + </p> + <p> + Is it not a pity that foreigners should be admitted familiarly into the + houses of the great, while Englishmen, of real merit, shall be thrust from + their doors with contempt? An instance of which happened in the following + picture—[<i>The picture brought, and he goes before it.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p042 (50K)" src="images/p042.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[42]</span>Here is an Opera Dancer, or Singer, + maintained by us in all the luxury of extravagance; and in the back ground + a maimed soldier and sailor, who were asking alms, and thrown down by the + insolence of the opera singer's chairman; yet the sailor lost his arm with + the gallant Captain Pierson, and the soldier left his leg on the plains of + Minden. Instead of paying a guinea to see a man stand on one leg—would + it not be better employed were it given to a man who had but one leg to + stand on? But, while these dear creatures condescend to come over here, to + sing to us for <span class="pagenum">[43]</span>the trifling sum of + fifteen hundred or two thousand guineas yearly, in return for such their + condescension, we cannot do too much for them, and that is the reason why + we do so little for our own people. This is the way we reward those who + only bring folly into the country, and the other is the way, and the only + way, with which we reward our deliverers. [<i>The picture taken off.</i>] + Among the number of exotics, calculated for this evening's entertainment, + the head of an opera composer, or burletta projector, should have been + exhibited, could I have been lucky enough to hit upon any droll visage for + that exhibition: but, after many experiments, I was convinced that no head + for that representation could be so truly ridiculous as my own, if this + assembly do me the honour to accept it. [<i>Takes up the music-frame and + book.</i>] + </p> + <p> + Suppose me, for once, a burletta projector, Who attempts a mock musical + scrap of a lecture. Suppose this thing a harpsichord or a spinnet; We must + suppose so, else there's nothing in it; And thus I begin, tho' a stranger + to graces. Those deficiencies must be supplied by grimaces, And the want + of wit made up by making of faces. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[44]</span>[<i>Changes wigs and sits down.</i>] + Come, Carro, come, attend affetuoso, English be dumb, your language is but + so so; + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Adagio is piano, allegro must be forte, + Go wash my neck and sleeves, because this shirt is dirty + Mon charmant, prenez guarda, + Mind what your signior begs, + Ven you wash, don't scrub so harda, + You may rub my shirt to rags. + Vile you make the water hotter— + Uno solo I compose. + Put in the pot the nice sheep's trotter, + And de little petty toes; + De petty toes are little feet, + De little feet not big, + Great feet belong to de grunting hog, + De petty toes to de little pig. + Come, daughter dear, carissima anima mea, + Go boil the kittle, make me some green tea a. + Ma bella dolce sogno, + Vid de tea, cream, and sugar bono, + And a little slice + Of bread and butter nice. + A bravo bread, and butter + Bravissimo—————-imo. +</pre> + <p> + END OF PART II. <a name="link2H_PART3" id="link2H_PART3"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART III. + </h2> + <p> + [<i>Discovers two ladies on the table.</i>] <span class="pagenum">[45]</span>In + spite of all the sneers, prints, and paragraphs, that have been published + to render the ladies' headdresses ridiculous, sure, when fancy prompts a + fine woman to lead the fashion, how can any man be so Hottentotish as to + find fault with it? I hope here to be acquitted from any design of + rendering the ladies ridiculous; all I aim at is to amuse. Here is a rich + dressed lady without elegance.—Here is an elegant dressed lady + without riches; for riches can no more give grace than they can beget + understanding. A multiplicity of ornaments may load the wearer, but can + never distinguish the gentlewoman. [<i>Gives off the delicate lady.</i>] + This is a representation of those misled ladies whose families having + gained great fortunes by trade, begin to be ashamed of the industry of + their ancestors, <span class="pagenum">[46]</span>and turn up their nose + at every thing mechanical, and call it <i>wulgar</i>. They are continually + thrusting themselves among the nobility, to have it said they keep quality + company, and for that empty qualification expose themselves to all the + tortures of ill treatment; because it is a frolic for persons of rank to + mortify such their imitators. This is vanity without honour, and dignity + at second-hand, and shews that ladies may so far entangle the line of + beauty, by not having it properly unwound for them, till they are lost in + a labyrinth of fashionable intricacies. [<i>Gives the head off. Takes the + head of Cleopatra.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p046 (57K)" src="images/p046.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Here is a real antique; this is the head of that famous demirep of + antiquity, called Cleopatra, <span class="pagenum">[47]</span>This is the + way the ladies of antiquity used to dress their heads in a morning. [<i>Gives + the head off.</i>] And this is the way the ladies at present dress their + heads in a morning. [<i>Takes the head.</i>] A lady in this dress seems + hooded like a hawk, with a blister on each cheek for the tooth-ach. One + would imagine this fashion had been invented by some surly duenna, or + ill-natured guardian, on purpose to prevent ladies turning to one side or + the other; and that may be the reason why now every young lady chooses to + look forward. As the world is round, every thing turns round along with + it; no wonder there should be such revolutions in ladies' head-dresses. + This was in fashion two or three years past; this is the fashion of last + year [<i>takes a head up</i>]; and this the morning headdress [<i>takes + the head</i>] of this present <i>anno domini</i>. These are the winkers, + and these are the blinkers. But, as the foibles of the ladies ought to be + treated with the utmost delicacy, all we can say of these three heads, + thus hoodwinked, is, that they are emblems of the three graces, who, thus + muffled, have a mind to play at blindman's buff together. [<i>Gives the + heads off.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p048 (36K)" src="images/p048.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[48]</span>We shall now exhibit the head of An Old + Maid. [<i>Takes the head.</i>] This is called antiquated virginity; it is + a period when elderly unmarried ladies are supposed to be bearing apes + about in leading-strings, as a punishment, because, when those elderly + unmarried ladies were young and beautiful, they made monkies of mankind. + Old maids are supposed to be ill-natured and crabbed, as wine kept too + long on the lees will turn to vinegar. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p049 (40K)" src="images/p049.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[49]</span>Not to be partial to either sex [<i>takes + the head up</i>], as a companion to the Old Maid, here is the head of An + Old Bachelor. These old bachelors are mere bullies; they are perpetually + abusing matrimony, without ever daring to accept of the challenge. When + they are in company they are ever exclaiming against hen-pecked husbands, + saying, if they were married, their wives should never go any where + without asking their lords and masters' leave; and if they were married, + the children should never cry, nor the servants commit a fault: they'd set + the house to rights; they would do every thing. But the lion-like talkers + abroad are mere baa-lambs at home, being generally dupes and slaves to + some termagant mistress, against whose imperiousness they dare not open + their lips, <span class="pagenum">[50]</span>but are frightened even if + she frowns. Old bachelors, in this, resemble your pretenders to atheism, + who make a mock in public of what in private they tremble at and fall down + to. When they become superannuated, they set up for suitors, they ogle + through spectacles, and sing love songs to ladies with catarrhs by way of + symphonies, and they address a young lady with, "Come, my dear, I'll put + on my spectacles and pin your handkerchief for you; I'll sing you a love + song; 'How can you, lovely Nancy!'" &c. [<i>Laughs aloud.</i>] How + droll to hear the dotards aping youth, And talk of love's delights without + a tooth! [<i>Gives the head off.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p050 (93K)" src="images/p050.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[51]</span>It is something odd that ladies shall + have their charms all abroad in this manner [<i>takes the head</i>], and + the very next moment this shall come souse over their <i>heads</i>, like + an extinguisher. [<i>Pulls the calash over.</i>] This is a hood in high + taste at the upper end of the town; and this [<i>takes the head</i>] a + hood in high taste at the lower end of the town. Not more different are + these two heads in their dresses than they are in their manner of + conversation: this makes use of a delicate dialect, it being thought + polite pronunciation to say instead of cannot, <i>ca'ant</i>; must not <i>ma'ant</i>; + shall not, <i>sha'ant</i>, This clipping of letters would be extremely + detrimental to the current coin of conversation, did not these good dames + make ample amends by adding supernumerary syllables when they talk of <i>break-fastes</i>, + and <i>toastesses</i>, and running their heads against the postasses to + avoid the wild <i>beastesses</i>. These female orators, brought up at the + bar of Billingsgate, have a peculiar way of expressing themselves, which, + however indelicate it may seem to more civilized ears, is exactly + conformable to the way of ancient oratory. The difference between ancient + and modern oratory consists in saying something or nothing to the purpose. + Some people talk without saying any thing; some people <span + class="pagenum">[52]</span>don't care what they say; some married men + would be glad to have nothing to say to their wives; and some husbands + would be full as glad if their wives had not any thing to say to them. [<i> + Gives the head off.</i>] Ancient oratory is the gift of just persuasion; + modern oratory the knack of putting words, not things, together; for + speech-makers now are estimated, not by the merit, but by the length of + their harangues; they are minuted as we do galloping horses, and their + goodness rated according as they hold out against time. For example, a + gentleman lately coming into a coffee-house, and expressing himself highly + pleased with some debates which he had just then heard, one of his + acquaintance begged the favour that he would tell the company what the + debates were about. + </p> + <p> + "About, Sir!—Yes, Sir.—About!—what were they debating + about? Why they were about five hours long." "But what did they say, Sir?" + "What did they say, Sir? Why one man said every thing; he was up two + hours, three quarters, nineteen seconds, and five eighths, by my watch, + which is the best stop-watch in England; so, if I don't know what he said, + who should? for I had my eye upon my watch all the time he was speaking." + "Which side was he of?" "Why <span class="pagenum">[53]</span>he was of my + side, I stood close by him all the time." + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p053 (65K)" src="images/p053.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Here are the busts of two ancient laughing and crying Philosophers, or + orators. [<i>Takes the two heads up.</i>] These in their life-time were + heads, of two powerful factions, called the Groaners and the Grinners. <i>(Holds + one head in each hand.)</i> This Don Dismal's faction, is a representation + of that discontented part of mankind who are always railing at the times, + and the world, and the people of the world: This is a good-natured fellow, + that made the best of every thing: and this Don Dismal would attack his + brother—"Oh, brother! brother! brother! what will this world come + to?" "The same place it set out from this day twelve-month." "When will + the nation's debt be paid <span class="pagenum">[54]</span>off?" "Will you + pass your word for it?" "These are very slippery times—very slippery + times." "They are always so in frosty weather." "What's become of our + liberty?—Where shall we find liberty?" "In Ireland, to be sure." "I + can't bear to see such times." "Shut your eyes then." [<i> Gives the heads + off.</i>] + </p> + <p> + It may seem strange to those spectators [<i>takes the head</i>] who are + unacquainted with the reasons that induce ladies to appear in such + caricatures, how that delicate sex can walk under the weight of such + enormous head-coverings; but what will not English hearts endure for the + good of their country? And it's all for the good of their country the + ladies wear such appearances; for, while mankind are such enemies to Old + England as to run wool to France, our ladies, by making use of wool as + part of their head-dresses [<i>lets down the tail and takes out the wool</i>], + keep it at home, and encourage the woollen manufactory. [<i>Takes off the + head.</i>] + </p> + <p> + But, as all our fashions descend to our inferiors, a servant maid, in the + Peak of Derbyshire, having purchased an old tête from a puppet-show woman, + and being at a loss for some of this wool to stuff out the curls with, + fancied a whisp of hay might <span class="pagenum">[55]</span>do. [<i>Takes + the head.</i>] Here is the servant maid, with her new-purchased finery; + and here is her new-fashioned stuffing. But, before she had finished at + her garret dressing-table, a ring at the door called her down stairs to + receive a letter from the postboy; turning back to go into the house + again, the postboy's horse, being hungry, laid hold of the head-dress by + way of forage. Never may the fair sex meet with a worse misfortune; but + may the ladies, always hereafter, preserve their heads in good order. + Amen. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p055 (66K)" src="images/p055.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Horace, in describing a fine woman, makes use of two Latin words, which + are, <i>simplex munditiis</i>. Now these two words cannot be properly + translated; <span class="pagenum">[56]</span>their best interpretation is + that of a young Female Quaker. [<i>Takes the head.</i>] Such is the effect + of native neatness. Here is no bundle of hair to set her off, no jewels to + adorn her, nor artificial complexion. Yet there is a certain odium which + satire has dared to charge our English ladies with, which is, plastering + the features with whitewash, or rubbing rouge or red upon their faces. [<i>Gives + the head off.</i>] Women of the town may lay on red, because, like + pirates, the dexterity of their profession consists in their engaging + under false colours; but, for the delicate, the inculpable part of the + sex, to vermilion their faces, seems as if ladies would fish for lovers as + men bait for mackerel, by hanging something red upon the hook; or that + they imagined men to be of the bull or turkey-cock kind, that would fly at + any thing scarlet. [<i>Takes the head off.</i>] But such practitioners + should remember that their faces are the works of their Creator.—If + bad, how dare they mend it? If good, why mend it? Are they ashamed of his + work, and proud of their own? If any such there are, let 'em lay by the + art, and blush not to appear that which he blushes not to have made them. + If any lady should be offended with the lecturer's daring to take such + liberties with her sex, by <span class="pagenum">[57]</span>way of + atonement for that part of my behaviour which may appear culpable, I + humbly beg leave to offer a nostrum, or recipe, to preserve the ladies' + faces in perpetual bloom, and defend beauty from all assaults of time; and + I dare venture to affirm, not all the paints, pomatums, or washes, can be + of so much service to make the ladies look lovely as the application of + this. [<i>Shews the girdle of good temper.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p057 (90K)" src="images/p057.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Let but the ladies wear this noble order, and they never will be angry + with me; this is the grand secret of attraction; this is the Girdle op + Venus, which Juno borrowed to make herself appear <span class="pagenum">[58]</span>lovely + to her husband Jupiter, and what is here humbly recommended to all married + folks of every denomination; and to them I appeal, whether husband or + wife, wife or husband, do not alternately wish each other would wear this + girdle? But here lies the mistake; while the husband <i>begs</i> his wife, + the wife <i>insists</i> upon the husband's putting it on; in the + contention the girdle drops down between them, and neither of them will + condescend to stoop first to take it up. [<i>Lays down the girdle.</i>]. + Bear and forbear, give and forgive, are the four chariot-wheels that carry + Love to Heaven: Peace, Lowliness, Fervency, and Taste, are the four + radiant horses that draw it. Many people have been all their life-time + making this chariot, without ever being able to put one wheel to it. Their + horses have most of them got the springhalt, and that is the reason why + married people now a-days walk a-foot to the Elysian fields. Many a + couple, who live in splendor, think they keep the only carriage that can + convey them to happiness; but their vehicle is too often the postcoach of + ruin; the horses, that draw it are Vanity, Insolence, Luxury, and Credit; + the footmen who ride behind it are Pride, Lust, Tyranny, and Oppression; + the servants out of livery, that wait at table, <span class="pagenum">[59]</span>are + Folly and Wantonness; them Sickness and Death take away. Were ladies once + to see themselves in an ill temper, I question if ever again they would + choose to appear in such a character. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p059 (42K)" src="images/p059.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Here is a Lady [<i>takes up the picture</i>] in her true tranquil state of + mind, in that amiableness of disposition which makes foreigners declare + that an English lady, when she chooses to be in temper, and chooses to be + herself, is the most lovely figure in the universe; and on the reverse of + this medallion is the same lady when she chooses <i>not</i> to be in + temper, and <i>not</i> to be herself. [<i>Turns the picture.</i>] This + face is put on when she is disappointed of her masquerade habit, when she + has lost a <i>sans prendre</i>, when her lap-dog's foot is trod <span + class="pagenum">[60]</span>upon, or when her husband has dared to + contradict her. Some married ladies may have great cause of complaint + against their husbands' irregularities; but is this a face to make those + husbands better? Surely no! It is only by such looks as these [<i>turns + the picture</i>] they are to be won: and may the ladies hereafter only + wear such looks, and may this never more be known [<i>turns the picture</i>] + only as a picture taken out of Æsop's Fables. [<i>Gives off the picture.</i>] + </p> + <p> + May each married lady preserve her good man, And young ones get good ones + as fast as they can. + </p> + <p> + It is very remarkable there should be such a plentiful harvest of + courtship before marriage, and generally such a famine afterwards. + Courtship is a fine bowling-green turf, all galloping round and + sweet-hearting, a sunshine holiday in summer time: but when once through + matrimony's turnpike, the weather becomes wintry, and some husbands are + seized with a cold aguish fit, to which the faculty have given this name—[<i>Shews + the girdle of indifference.</i>] Courtship is matrimony's running footman, + but seldom stays to see the stocking thrown; it is too often carried away + by the two grand preservatives of matrimonial <span class="pagenum">[61]</span>friendship, + delicacy and gratitude. There is also another distemper very mortal to the + honeymoon; 'tis what the ladies sometimes are seized with, and the college + of physicians call it by this title—[<i>Shews the girdle of the + sullens.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p061 (103K)" src="images/p061.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + This distemper generally arises from some ill-conditioned speech, with + which the lady has been hurt; who then, leaning on her elbow upon the + arm-chair, her cheek resting upon the back of her hand, her eyes fixed + earnestly upon the fire, her feet beating tattoo time: the husband in the + mean while biting his lips, pulling down his ruffles, stamping about the + room, and looking at his lady <span class="pagenum">[62]</span>like the + devil: at last he abruptly demands of her her, + </p> + <p> + "What's the matter with you, madam?" + </p> + <p> + The lady mildly replies, + </p> + <p> + "Nothing." + </p> + <p> + "What is it you mean, madam?" + </p> + <p> + "Nothing." + </p> + <p> + "What would you make me, madam?" + </p> + <p> + "Nothing." + </p> + <p> + "What is it I have done to you, madam?" + </p> + <p> + "O—h—nothing." And this quarrel arose as they sat at + breakfast. The lady very innocently observed, she believed the tea was + made with Thames water. The husband, in mere contradiction, insisted upon + it that the tea-kettle was filled out of the New River. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p063 (81K)" src="images/p063.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[63]</span>From a scene of matrimonial tumult here + is one of matrimonial tranquillity. [<i>Matrimonial picture brought on, + and you go forward.</i>] Here is an after-dinner wedlock <i>tête-à-tête</i>, + a mere matrimonial <i>vis-à-vis</i>; the husband in a yawning state of + dissipation, and the lady in almost the same drowsy attitude, called, A + nothing-to-doishness. If an unexpected visitor should happen to break in + upon their solitude, the lady, in her apology, declares that "she is + horribly chagrined, and most immensely out of countenance, to be caught in + such a deshabille: but, upon honour, she did not mind <span class="pagenum">[64]</span>how + her clothes were huddled on, not expecting any company, there being nobody + at home but her husband." + </p> + <p> + The gentleman, he shakes his guest by the hand, and says, "I am heartily + glad to see you, Jack; I don't know how it was, I was almost asleep; for, + as there was nobody at home but my wife, I did not know what to do with + myself." + </p> + <p> + END OF PART III. <a name="link2H_PART4" id="link2H_PART4"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART IV. + </h2> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[65]</span>We shall now consider the law, as our + laws are very considerable, both in bulk and number, according as the + statutes declare; <i>considerandi, considerando, considerandum</i>; and + are not to be meddled with by those that don't understand 'em. Law always + expressing itself with true grammatical precision, never confounding + moods, cases, or genders, except indeed when a <i>woman</i> happens + accidentally to be slain, then the verdict is always brought in <i>man</i>-slaughter. + The essence of the law is altercation; for the law can altercate, + fulminate, deprecate, irritate, and go on at any rate. Now the + quintessence of the law has, according to its name, five parts. The first + is the <i>beginning</i>, or <i>incipiendum</i>; the second the <i>uncertainty</i>, + or <i>dubitandum</i>; the third <i>delay</i>, or <i>puzzliendum</i>; + fourthly <i>replication</i> without <i>endum</i>; and, fifthly, <i>monstrum + et horrendum</i>. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[66]</span>All which are exemplified in the + following cases, Daniel against Dishclout.—Daniel was groom in the + same family wherein Dishclout was cookmaid; and Daniel, returning home one + day fuddled, he stooped down to take a sop out of the dripping-pan, which + spoiled his clothes, and he was advised to bring his action against the + cookmaid; the pleadings of which were as follow. The first person who + spoke was Mr. Serjeant Snuffle. He began, saying, "Since I have the honour + to be pitched upon to open this cause to your Lordship, I shall not + impertinently presume to take up any of your Lordship's time by a + round-about circumlocutory manner of speaking or talking, quite foreign to + the purpose, and not any ways relating to the matter in hand. I shall, I + will, I design to shew what damages my client has sustained hereupon, + whereupon, and thereupon. Now, my Lord, my client, being a servant in the + same family with Dishclout, and not being at board wages, imagined he had + a right to the fee-simple of the dripping-pan, therefore he made an + attachment on the sop with his right-hand, which the defendant replevied + with her left, tripped us up, and tumbled us into the dripping-pan. Now, + in Broughton's Reports, Slack <i>versus</i> Small wood, it is said that <i>primus + <span class="pagenum">[67]</span>strocus sine jocus, absolutus est + provokus</i>. Now who gave the <i>primus strocus?</i> who gave the first + offence? Why, the cook; she brought the driping-pan there; for, my Lord, + though we will allow, if we had not been there, we could not have been + thrown down there; yet, my Lord, if the dripping-pan had not been there, + for us to have tumbled down into, we could not have tumbled into the + dripping-pan." The next counsel on the same side began with, "My Lord, he + who makes use of many words to no purpose has not much to say for himself, + therefore I shall come to the point at once; at once and immediately I + shall come to the point. My client was in liquor: the liquor in him having + served an ejectment upon his understanding, common sense was nonsuited, + and he was a man beside himself, as Dr. Biblibus declares, in his + Dissertation upon Bumpers, in the 139th folio volume of the Abridgment of + the Statutes, page 1286, where he says, that a drunken man is <i>homo + duplicans</i>, or a double man; not only because he sees things double, + but also because he is not as he should be, <i>profecto ipse</i> he; but + is as he should not be, <i>defecto tipse</i> he." + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p068 (55K)" src="images/p068.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[68]</span>The counsel on the other side rose up + gracefully, playing with his ruffles prettily, and tossing the ties of his + wig about emphatically. He began with, "My Lord, and you, gentlemen of the + jury, I humbly do conceive I have the authority to declare that I am + counsel in this case for the defendant; therefore, my Lord, I shall not + flourish away in words; words are no more than filligree work. Some people + may think them an embellishment; but to me it is a matter of astonishment + how any one can be so impertinent to the detriment of all rudiment. But, + my Lord, this is not to be looked at through the medium of right and + wrong; for the law knows no medium, and <span class="pagenum">[69]</span>right + and wrong are but its shadows. Now, in the first place, they have called a + kitchen my client's premises. Now a kitchen is nobody's premises; a + kitchen is not a warehouse, nor a wash-house, a brew-house, nor a + bake-house, an inn-house, nor an out-house, nor a dwelling-house; no, my + Lord, 'tis absolutely and <i>bona fide</i> neither more nor less than a + kitchen, or, as the law more classically expresses, a kitchen is, <i>camera + necessaria pro usus cookare; cum saucepannis, stewpannis, scullero, + dressero, coalholo, stovis, smoak-jacko,pro roastandum, + boilandum,fryandum, et plum-pudding mixandum, pro turtle soupos, + calve's-head-hashibus, cum calipee et calepashibus</i>. + </p> + <p> + "But we shall not avail ourselves of an <i>alibi</i>, but admit of the + existence of a cook-maid. Now my Lord, we shall take it upon a new ground, + and beg a new trial; for, as they have curtailed our name from plain Mary + into Moll, I hope the court will not allow of this; for, if they were to + allow of mistakes, what would the law do? for, when the law don't find + mistakes, it is the business of the law to make them." Therefore the court + allowed them the liberty of a new trial; for the law is our liberty, and + it is happy for us we have the liberty to go to law. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p070 (44K)" src="images/p070.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[70]</span>By all the laws of laughing, every man is + at liberty to play the fool with himself; but some people, fearful it + would take from their consequence, choose to do it by proxy: hence comes + the appearance of keeping fools in great families. [<i>Takes the head.</i>] + Thus are they dressed, and shew, by this party-coloured garment, they are + related to all the wise families in the kingdom. + </p> + <p> + This is a Fool's Cap; 'tis put upon Nobody's head. Nobody's face is + without features, because we could not put Anybody's face upon Nobody's + head. This is the head of Somebody. [<i>Takes the head.</i>] It has two + faces, for Somebody is supposed to carry two faces. One of these faces is + handsome, the other rather ill-favoured. The handsome face is exhibited as + a hint to that part <span class="pagenum">[71]</span>of mankind who are + always whispering among their acquaintance, how well they are with + Somebody, and that Somebody is a very fine woman. One of those boasters of + beauty, one night at a tavern, relating his amazing amours, the + toast-master called him to order, and a gentleman in a frolic, instead of + naming any living lady for his toast, gave the Greek name of the tragic + muse Melpomene; upon which the boaster of beauty, the moment he heard the + word Melpomene, addresses the toast-master, "Oh! ho! Mr. Toastmaster, you + are going a round of demireps. Ay, ay, Moll Pomene, I remember her very + well; she was a very fine girl, and so was her sister, Bet Po-mene; I had + 'em both at a certain house, you know where?" Can we help smiling at the + partiality of the present times? that a man should be transported if he + snares a hare, or nets a partridge, and yet there is no punishment for + those whisperers away of ladies' reputations? But ill tongues would fall + hurtless were there no believers to give them credit; as robbers could not + continue to pilfer were there no receivers of stolea goods. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p072 (50K)" src="images/p072.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[72]</span>Here is the head [<i>takes it</i>] of + Anybody, with his eyes closed, his mouth shut, and his ears stopped; and + this is exhibited as an emblem of wisdom; and anybody may become wise, if + they will not spy into the faults of others, tell tales of others, nor + listen to the tales of others, but mind their own business, and be + satisfied. Here is the head [<i>takes it</i>] of Everybody. [<i> Turns the + head round.</i>] This is to show how people dread popular clamour, or what + all the world will say, or what every body will say. Nay, there is not a + poor country wench, when her young master the 'squire attempts to delude + her, but will immediately reply to him, "Lord!—Your honour!—What + will the world say?" And this, <i>what will the <span class="pagenum">[73]</span>world + say</i>, is what everybody is anxious after, although it is hardly worth + anybody's while to trouble their heads with the world's sayings. + </p> + <p> + These four heads of Nobody, Everybody, Somebody, and Anybody, form a fifth + head, called a Busybody. The Busybody is always anxious after something + about Somebody. He'll keep company with Anybody to find out Everybody's + business; and is only at a loss when this head stops his pursuit, and + Nobody will give him an answer. It is from these four heads the fib of + each day is fabricated. Suspicion begets the morning whisper, the gossip + Report circulates it as a secret, wide-mouthed Wonder gives Credulity + credit for it, and Self-interest authenticates that, as Anybody may be set + to work by Somebody, Everybody's alarmed at it, and, at last, there is + Nobody knows any thing at all of the matter. From these four heads people + purchase lottery-tickets, although calculation demonstrates the odds are + so much against them; but Hope flatters them, Fancy makes them believe, + and Expectation observes, that the twenty thousand pounds prizes must come + to Somebody [<i>gives the head off</i>]; and, as Anybody may have them [<i>gives + the head off</i>], and Nobody <span class="pagenum">[74]</span>knows who [<i>gives + the head off</i>], Everybody buys lottery-tickets. [<i>Gives the head off.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p074 (106K)" src="images/p074.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Most difficult it is for any single speaker long to preserve the attention + of his auditors: nay, he could not continue speaking, conscious of that + difficulty, did he not depend greatly on the humanity of his hearers. Yet + it is not flattery prompts the lecturer to this address; for, to shew in + how odious a light he holds flattery, he here exposes the head of + flattery. [<i>Takes the head.</i>] + </p> + <p> + This being, called Flattery, was begat upon Poverty, by Wit; and that is + the reason why poor <span class="pagenum">[75]</span>wits are always the + greatest flatterers. The ancients had several days they called lucky and + unlucky ones; they were marked as white and black days. Thus is the face + of Flattery distinguished; to the lucky she shews her white, or shining + profile; to the unlucky she is always in eclipse: but, on the least + approach of calamity, immediately Flattery changes into reproach. [<i>Opens + the head.</i>] How easy the transition is from flattery into reproach; the + moral of which is, that it is a reproach to our understandings to suffer + flattery. But some people are so fond of that incense, that they greedily + accept it, though they despise the hand that offers it, without + considering the receiver is as bad as the thief. As every head here is + intended to convey some moral, the moral of this head is as follows: This + head was the occasion of the first duel that ever was fought, it then + standing on a pillar, in the centre, where four roads met. Two + knights-errant, one from the north, and one from the south, arrived at the + same instant at the pillar whereon this head was placed: one of the + knights-errant, who only saw this side of the head, called out, "It is a + shame to trust a silver head by the road side." "A silver head!" replied + the knight, who only saw this side of the head, "it is a black <span + class="pagenum">[76]</span>head." Flat contradiction produced fatal + demonstration; their swords flew out, and they hacked and hewed one + another so long, that, at last, fainting with loss of blood, they fell on + the ground; then, lifting up their eyes, they discovered their mistake + concerning this image. A venerable hermit coming by, bound up their + wounds, placed them again on horseback, and gave them this piece of + advice, That they never hereafter should engage in any parties, or take + part in any dispute, without having previously examined both sides of the + question. + </p> + <p> + We shall now conclude this part of the lecture with four national + characters. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p077 (52K)" src="images/p077.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[77]</span>Here is the head of a Frenchman [<i>shews + the head</i>], all levity and lightness, singing and capering from morning + till night, as if he looked upon life to be but a long dance, and liberty + and law but a jig. Yet Monsieur talks in high strains of the law, though + he lives in a country that knows no law but the caprice of an absolute + monarch. Has he property? an edict from the Grand Monarch can take it, and + the slave is satisfied. Pursue him to the Bastile, or the dismal dungeon + in the country to which a <i>lettre de cachet</i> conveys him, and buries + the wretch for life: there see him in all his misery; ask him "What is the + cause?" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[78]</span>"<i>Je ne sçai pas</i>, it is de will of + de Grand Monarch." Give him a <i>soupe maigre</i>, a little sallad, and a + hind quarter of a frog, and he's in spirits.—"<i>Fal, lai, lai, vive + le roy, vive la bagatelle</i>." He is now the declared enemy of Great + Britain: ask him, "Why?—has England done your country an injury?" + "Oh no." "What then is your cause of quarrel?" "England, sir, not give de + liberty to de subject. She will have de tax upon de tea; but, by gar, sir, + de Grand Monarch have send out de fleet and de army to chastise de + English; and, ven de America are free, de Grand Monarch he tax de American + himself." "But, Monsieur, is France able to cope with England on her own + element, the sea?" "<i>Oh! pourquois non?</i>" "Why not?" + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p079 (51K)" src="images/p079.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[79]</span>Here is the head of a British Tar [<i>shews + the head</i>]; and, while England can man her navy with thousands of these + spirits, Monsieur's threats are in vain. Here is a man who despises + danger, wounds, and death; he fights with the spirit of a lion, and, as if + (like a salamander) his element was fire, gets fresh courage as the action + grows hotter; he knows no disgrace like striking to the French flag; no + reward for past services so ample as a wooden leg; and no retreat so + honourable as Greenwich hospital. Contrast his behaviour with that of a + French sailor, who must have a drawn sword over his head to make him stand + to his gun, who runs trembling to the priest for an absolution—"<i>Ah, + mon bon pere, avez pitié de moi!</i>" when he + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[80]</span>should look death in the face like a man. + This brave tar saw the gallant Farmer seated on his anchor, his ship in a + blaze, his eye fixed on the wide expanse of the waters round him, scorning + to shrink, waiting with the calm firmness of a hero for the moment when he + was to die gloriously in the service of his country. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p080 (60K)" src="images/p080.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Here is the head of a Spaniard, [<i>Shews the head.</i>] But first I had + better remove the Frenchman, for fear of a quarrel between the two allies. + Now he has no dislike to England; he wishes, as Spain ever did, for peace + with England, and war with all the world; he remembers the latter end + <span class="pagenum">[81]</span>of the last war, the British fleets + thundering in their ports, and the whole nation abhorring the French for + the calamities brought upon them by an intriguing Italian cabinet. He was + taken prisoner by the gallant Sir George Rodney; and the only favour he + asked, upon coming to England, was not to be imprisoned with a Frenchman, + detesting all connexion with that superficial, dancing, treacherous + people. The Frenchman, vain and sanguine to the last, encourages his ally + to persevere. <i>Attendre, attendre, mon cher ami</i>.—"Wait, my + good friend, we shall get the game yet." "Certainly," replies the grave + Don, "for we get all the rubbers." But, whilst these two are mourning over + their losses by the war, here comes another to complete the procession of + madness and folly. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p082 (50K)" src="images/p082.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[82]</span>This is the head [<i>shews it</i>] of + Mynheer Van Neverfelt Large Breecho Love Cabbecho Dutch Doggero, a great + merchant at Rotterdam; who had amassed an immense fortune by supplying the + enemies of Great Britain with hemp, and who, if he had his deserts, should + die as he has lived by it. He considers treaties as mere court promises; + and these, in the vulgar acceptation of a pie-crust, whenever they cover + any advantage, it is but breaking them, and down with friendship and + honour in a bite. He looks upon interest to be the true law of nature, and + principal a Sinking Fund, in which no Dutchman should be concerned. He + looks upon money to be the greatest good upon earth, and a pickled herring + <span class="pagenum">[83]</span>the greatest dainty. If you would ask him + what wisdom is, he'll answer you, Stock. If you ask him what benevolence + is, he'll reply, Stock: and should you inquire who made him, he would say, + Stock; for Stock is the only deity he bows down to. If you would judge of + his wit, his whole Stock lies in a pipe of tobacco; and, if you would + judge of his conversation, a bull and a bear are his Stock companions. His + conduct to all men and all nations is most strikingly typified by + Hogarth's Paul before Felix, in true Dutch gusto, where the guardian + angel, Conscience, has fallen asleep, which Avarice, in the shape of the + devil, taking advantage of, saws asunder the legs of the stool upon which + the apostle is exhibited standing. But the vengeance of Britain's insulted + genius has overtaken him, in the east and in the west, and Holland has + received blows, for her breach of compacts, she will remember as long as + her dykes defend her from the encroachments of the ocean. + </p> + <p> + When men have eminently distinguished themselves in arts or arms, their + characters should be held up to the public with every mark of honour, to + inspire the young candidate for fame with a generous emulation. There is a + noble enthusiasm in great minds, which not only inclines them to <span + class="pagenum">[84]</span>behold illustrious actions with wonder and + delight, but kindles also a desire of attaining the same degree of + excellence. The Romans, who well knew this principle in human nature, + decreed triumphs to their generals, erected obelisks and statues in + commemoration of their victories; and to this day the cabinet of the + antiquarian preserves records of the victories of a Germanicus, the + generosity of a Titus, or the peaceful virtues of an Antonius. Why then + should not England adopt the practice of the Romans, a people who reached + the highest pinnacle of military glory? It is true that some of our great + generals have marble monuments in Westminster Abbey. But why should not + the living enjoy the full inheritance of their laurels? If they deserve to + have their victories proclaimed to the world by the voice of Fame, let it + be when men are sensible to the sweetness of her trumpet, for she will + then sound like an angel in their ears. Here is the head of a British + Hero; a title seldom conferred, and as seldom merited, till the ardent + valour of the youthful warrior is ripened into the wisdom and cool + intrepidity of the veteran. He entered the service with the principles of + a Soldier and a patriot, the love of fame, and the love of his country. + His mind active and <span class="pagenum">[85]</span>vigorous, burning + with the thirst of honour, flew to posts of danger with a rapidity which + gave tenfold value to his military exertions, and rendered his onsets + terrible as resistless. No expedition appeared to him either difficult or + impracticable that was to be undertaken for the good of the cause he had + embarked in. Fortune too seemed enamoured of his valour, for she preserved + his life in many actions; and, though he cannot stretch forth an arm + without shewing an honourable testimony of the dangers to which he was + exposed, he has still a hand left to wield a sword for the service of his + country. As he is yet in the prime of life, there is nothing too great to + be expected from him. He resembles the immortal Wolfe in his fire and + fame. And oh, for the good of England, that Wolfe, in his fortunes, had + resembled Tableton! + </p> + <p> + END OF PART IV. <a name="link2H_PART5" id="link2H_PART5"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + PART V. + </h2> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[86]</span>We shall now return to the law, for our + laws are full of returns, and we we shall shew a compendium of law [<i>takes + the wig</i>]; parts of practice in the twist of the tail.—The depth + of a full bottom denotes the length of a chancery suit, and the black coif + behind, like a blistering plaister, seems to shew us that law is a great + irritator, and only to be used in cases of necessity. + </p> + <p> + We shall now beg leave to change the fashion of the head-dress, for, like + a poor periwig-maker, I am obliged to mount several patterns on the same + block. + </p> + <p> + [<i>Puts on the wig, and takes the nosegay.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p087 (66K)" src="images/p087.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[87]</span>Law is law, law is law, and as in such + and so forth, and hereby, and aforesaid, provided always, nevertheless, + notwithstanding. Law is like a country dance, people are led up and down + in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of surgery, there are a + great many terrible cases in it. It is also like physic, they that take + least of it are best off. Law is like a homely gentlewoman, very well to + follow. Law is like a scolding wife, very bad when it follows us. Law is + like a new fashion, people are bewitched to get into it; it is also like + bad weather, most people are glad when they get out of it. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[88]</span>We shall now mention a cause, called + "Bullum <i>versus</i> Boatum:" it was a cause that came before me. The + cause was as follows. + </p> + <p> + There were two farmers; farmer A and farmer B. Farmer A was seized or + possessed of a bull: farmer B was possessed of a ferry-boat. Now the owner + of the ferry-boat, having made his boat fast to a post on shore, with a + piece of hay, twisted rope-fashion, or, as we say, <i>vulgo vocato</i>, a + hay-band. + </p> + <p> + After he had made his boat fast to a post on shore, as it was very natural + for a hungry man to do, he went up town to dinner; farmer A's bull, as it + was very natural for a hungry bull to do, came down town to look for a + dinner; and, observing, discovering, seeing, and spying-out, some turnips + in the bottom of the ferry-boat, the bull scrambled into the ferry-boat: + he ate up the turnips, and, to make an end of his meal, fell to work upon + the hay-band: the boat, being eaten from its moorings, floated down the + river, with the bull in it: it struck against a rock; beat a hole in the + bottom of the boat, and tossed the bull overboard; whereupon the owner of + the bull brought his action against the boat, for running away with the + bull. The owner of the boat brought his action against the bull for + running away with the <span class="pagenum">[89]</span> boat. And thus + notice of trial was given, Bullum <i>versus</i> Boatum, Boatum <i>versus</i> + Bullum. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p089 (52K)" src="images/p089.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + Now the Counsel for the bull began with saying, "My Lord, and you + gentlemen of the jury, we are counsel in this cause for the bull. We are + indicted for running away with the boat. Now, my Lord, we have heard of + running horses, but never of running bulls before. Now, my Lord, the bull + could no more run away with the boat than a man in a coach may be said to + run away with the horses; therefore, my Lord, how can we punish what is + not punishable? How can we eat what is not eatable? Or, how can we drink + what is not drinkable? Or, as the law says, how can we think on what is + not thinkable? Therefore, my <span class="pagenum">[90]</span>Lord, as we + are counsel in this cause for the bull, if the jury should bring the bull + in guilty, the jury would be guilty of a bull." + </p> + <p> + The counsel for the boat observed that the bull should be nonsuited, + because, in his declaration, he had not specified what colour he was of; + for thus wisely, and thus learnedly, spoke the counsel.—"My Lord, if + the bull was of no colour, he must be of some colour; and, if he was not + of any colour, what colour could the bull be of?" I over-ruled this motion + myself, by observing the bull was a white bull, and that white is no + colour: besides, as I told my brethren, they should not trouble their + heads to talk of colour in the law, for the law can colour any thing. This + cause being afterwards left to a reference, upon the award both bull and + boat were acquitted, it being proved that the tide of the river carried + them both away; upon which I gave it as my opinion, that, as the tide of + the river carried both bull and boat away, both bull and boat had a good + action against the water-bailiff. + </p> + <p> + My opinion being taken, an action was issued, and, upon the traverse, this + point of law arose, How, wherefore, and whether, why, when, and what, + whatsoever, whereas, and whereby, as the <span class="pagenum">[91]</span>boat + was not a <i>compos mentis</i> evidence, how could an oath be + administered? That point was soon settled by Boatum's attorney declaring + that, for his client, he would swear any thing. + </p> + <p> + The water-bailiff's charter was then read, taken out of the original + record in true law Latin; which set forth, in their declaration, that they + were carried away either by the tide of flood or the tide of ebb. The + charter of the water-bailiff was as follows. "<i>Aquæ bailiffi est + magistrates in choisi, sapor omnibus fishibus qui habuerunt finnos et + scalos, claws, shells, et talos, qui swimmare in freshibus, vel saltibus + reveris lakos, pondis, canalibus et well-boats, sive oysteri, prawni, + whitini, shrimpi, turbutus solus</i>;" that is, not turbots alone, but + turbots and soals both together. But now comes the nicety of the law; the + law is as nice as a new-laid egg, and not to be understood by addle-headed + people. Bullum and Boatum mentioned both ebb and flood to avoid quibbling; + but, it being proved that they were carried away neither by the tide of + flood, nor by the tide of ebb, but exactly upon the top of high water, + they were nonsuited; but, such was the lenity of the court, upon their + paying all costs, they were allowed to begin again, <i>de novo</i>. + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p092 (55K)" src="images/p092.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[92]</span>This is one of those many thousand Heads + [<i>takes the head</i>] who swarm in and about London, whose times and + minds are divided between the affairs of state and the affairs of a + kitchen. He was anxious after venison and politics; he believed every cook + to be a great genius; and to know how to dress a turtle comprehended all + the arts and sciences together. He was always hunting after newspapers, to + read about battles; and imagined soldiers and sailors were only made to be + knock'd on the head, that he might read an account of it in the papers. He + read every political pamphlet that was published on both sides of the + question, and was always on his side whom he read last. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[93]</span>And then he'd come home in a good or ill + temper and call for his night-cap, and pipes and tobacco, and send for + some neighbours to sit with him, and talk politics together. [<i>Puts on a + cap, and takes the pipes and sits down.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p093 (69K)" src="images/p093.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + "How do you do, Mr. Costive? Sit down, sit down. Ay, these times are hard + times; I can no more relish these times than I can a haunch of venison + without sweet sauce to it; but, if you remember, I told you we should have + warm work of it when the cook threw down the Kian pepper. Ay, ay; I think + I know a thing or two; I think I do, that's all. But, Lord, what signifies + what one knows? they don't mind me! You know I <span class="pagenum">[94]</span>mentioned + at our club the disturbances in America, and one of the company took me + up, and said, 'What signifies America, when we are all in a merry cue?' So + they all fell a laughing. Now there's Commons made Lords, and there's + Lords made the Lord knows what; but that's nothing to us; they make us pay + our taxes; they take care of that; ay, ay, ay, they are sure of that. Pray + what have they done for these twenty years last past?—Why, nothing + at all; they have only made a few turnpike roads, and kept the partridges + alive till September; that's all they have done, for the good of their + country. There were some great people formerly, that lov'd their country, + that did every thing for the good of their country; there were your + Alexander the Great—he lov'd his country, and Julius Caesar lov'd + his country, and Charles of Sweedland lov'd his country, and Queen + Semiramis, she lov'd her country more than any of 'em, for she invented + solomon-gundy; that's the best eating in the whole world. Now I'll shew + you my plan of operations, Mr. Costive.—We'll suppose this drop of + punch here to be the main ocean, or the sea; very well. These pieces of + cork to be our men of war; very well. Now where shall I raise my + fortifications? I wish I had Mr. Major <span class="pagenum">[95]</span>Moncrieff + here; he's the best in the world at raising a fortification. Oh! I have + it. [<i>Breaks the pipes.</i>] We'll suppose them to be all the strong + fortified places in the whole world; such as Fort Omoa, Tilbury Fort, + Bergen op Zoom, and Tower Ditch, and all the other fortified places all + over the world. Now I'd have all our horse-cavalry wear cork waistcoats, + and all our foot-infantry should wear air jackets. Then, sir, they'd cross + the sea before you could say Jack Robinson. And where do you think they + should land, Mr. Costive? whisper me that. Ha!—What?—When?—How?—You + don't know.—How should you!—Was you ever in Germany or + Bohemia?—Now, I have; I understands jography. Now they should land + in America, under the line, close to the south pole; there they should + land every mother's babe of 'em. Then there's the Catabaws, and there's + the Catawaws; there's the Cherokees, and there's the ruffs and rees; they + are the four great nations. Then I takes my Catabaws all across the + continent, from Jamaica to Bengal; then they should go to the + Mediterranean. You know where the Mediterranean is?—No, you know + nothing; I'll tell you; the Mediterranean is the metropolis of + Constantinople. Then I'd send a fleet to blockade <span class="pagenum">[96]</span>Paris + till the French king had given up Paul Jones; then I'd send for General + Clinton and Colonel Tarleton; and—Where was I, Mr. Costive; with + Tarleton;—Thank ye—so I was; but you are so dull, Mr Costive, + you put me out. Now I'll explain the whole affair to you; you shan't miss + a word of it. Now there is the king of Prussia and the empress of Russia, + and the nabob of Arcot, and the king of the Hottentots, are all in the + Protestant interest; they make a diversion upon all the Cham of Tartary's + back setlements; then Sir Guy Carleton comes with a <i>circumbendibus</i>, + and retakes all the islands, Rhode Island and all; and takes 'em <i>here</i> + and <i>there</i>, and <i>there</i> and <i>here</i>, and <i>every where</i>. + There is the whole affair explained at once to you." + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p097 (59K)" src="images/p097.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + This is the head of a Proud Man: all heads in that predicament are + unsound. This man was rich; and as wealth is a certain hot-bed to raise + flatterers, he had enough of them; they told him he was every thing; he + believed them, and always spoke in the first person, saying, I, I, I—I + will have it so; I know it;—I, I—which puts one in mind of a + school-boy toning out before his mistress's knees, I by itself I. Yet + there is one piece of pride which may be thought excusable; and <span + class="pagenum">[97]</span>that is, that honest exultation of heart which + every public performer feels from the approbation of his auditors; + gratefully does he acknowledge their indulgence, and with sincerity + declares that the utmost exertion of his abilities can never equal the + favour of the public. + </p> + <p> + By way of Epilogue, here are two wigs. [<i>Takes two wigs.</i>] This is + called the full-buckled bob, and carries a consequentially along with it: + it is worn by those people who frequent city feasts, and gorge themselves + at a Lord-Mayor's-show dinner; and, with one of these wigs on, their + double chins rested upon their breasts, and their shoulders up, they seem + as if they had eaten themselves into a <span class="pagenum">[98]</span>state + of indigestion, or else had bumpered themselves out of breath with bottled + beer. [<i>Puts on the wig.</i>] "Waiter! bring me a ladleful of soup. You + dog, don't take off that haunch of venison yet!—Bring me the lamb, a + glass of currant jelly, and a clean plate. A hob-nob, sir." "With all my + heart." "Two bumpers of Madeira!—Love, health, and ready rhino, to + all the friends that you and I know."—On the contrary, these lank + looks form the half-famished face. [<i>Puts on the Methodist hair, and + takes the tub.</i>] + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="p098 (33K)" src="images/p098.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p> + The floor of the world is filthy, the mud of Mammon eats up all your upper + leathers, and we are all become sad soals. Brethren, (the word brethren + comes from the tabernacle, because we <span class="pagenum">[99]</span>all + breathe therein), if you are drowsy I'll rouse you, I'll beat a tattoo + upon the parchment case of your conscience, and I'll whisk the devil like + a whirligig among you. Now let me ask you a question seriously. Did you + ever see any body eat any hasty-pudding? What faces they make when it + scalds their mouths! Phoo, phoo, phoo! What faces will you all make when + old Nick nicks you? Now unto a bowl of punch I compare matrimony; there's + the sweet part of it, which is the honey-moon: then there's the largest + part of it, that's the most insipid, that comes after, and that's the + water; then there's the strong spirits, that's the husband; then there's + the sour spirit, that's the wife. But you don't mind me, no more than a + dead horse does a pair of spectacles; if you did, the sweet words which I + utter would be like a treacle posset to your palates. Do you know how many + taylors make a man?—Why nine. How many half a man?—Why four + journeymen and an apprentice. So have you all been bound 'prentices to + madam Faddle, the fashion-maker; ye have served your times out, and now + you set up for yourselves. My bowels and my small guts groan for you; as + the cat on the house-top is caterwauling, so from the top of my voice will + I <span class="pagenum">[100]</span>be bawling. Put—put some money + in the plate, then your abomination shall be scalded off like bristles + from the hog's back, and ye shall be scalped of them all as easily as I + pull off this periwig. + </p> + <p> + My attempt you have heard to succeed the projector, And I tremblingly wait + your award of this lecture; No merits I plead, but what's fit for my + station, And that is the merit of your approbation. And, since for mere + mirth I exhibit this plan, Condemn, if you please—but excuse, if you + can. + </p> + <p> + END OF THE LECTURE, <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AN ESSAY ON SATIRE. + </h2> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[101]</span>The vice and folly which overspread + human nature first created the satirist. We should not, therefore, + attribute his severity to a malignity of disposition, but to an exquisite + sense of propriety, an honest indignation of depravity, and a generous + desire to reform the degenerated manners of his fellow-creatures. This has + been the cause of Aristophanes censuring the pedantry and superstition of + Socrates; Horace, Persius, Martial, and Juvenal, the luxury and profligacy + of the Romans; Boileau and Molière the levity and refinement of the + French; Cervantes the romantic pride and madness of the Spanish; and + Dorset, Gldharn, Swift, Addison, Churchill, Stevens, and Foote, the + variety of vice, folly, and luxury, which we have imported from our + extensive commerce and intercourse with other nations. We should, + consequently, reverse the satirist and correct ourselves. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[102]</span>We should not avoid him as the detecter, + but as the friendly monitor. If he speaks severe truths, we should condemn + our own conduct which gives him the power. + </p> + <p> + It has frequently been observed, that the satirist has proved more + beneficial to the correction of a state than the divine or legislator. + Indeed he seems to have been created with peculiar penetrative faculties, + and integrity of disposition, and a happy genius to display the enormity + of the features, while it corrects the corrupt exercise of our vices. The + legislator may frame laws sufficiently wise and judicious, to check and + control villany, without the power of impeding the progress of vice and + folly, while they are kept within the limits of only injuring ourselves. + For law has no power to punish us for the vices which debilitate our + constitution, destroy our substance, or degrade our character. + </p> + <p> + Nor can religion entirely extirpate vice, no more than she can even + control folly. Her two principles, alluring to virtue by promise of + reward, and dissuading from vice by threats of punishment, extend their + influence no farther than on those whose dispositions are susceptible of + their impressions. So that we find numbers among <span class="pagenum">[103]</span>mankind + whose conduct and opinions are beyond her power. The atheist, who + disbelieves a future existence, is not likely to check the exercise of his + favourite vicious habits for any hope of reward or dread of punishment; + and the debauchee, who, though he may not deny the truth of her tenets, + yet is too much absorbed in his pleasures, to listen to her precepts, or + regard her examples. Besides, there are many so weak in their resolution + as not to be capable of breaking the fetters of habit and prepossession, + although they are, at the same time, sensible of their destructive + consequences. It is, therefore, that nature has implanted in us a sense + which tends to correct our disposition, where law and religion are seen to + have no power. This sense is a desire of public estimation, which not only + tends to give mankind perfection in every art and science, but also to + render our personal character respectable. It is this susceptibility of + shame and infamy which gives satire its efficiency. + </p> + <p> + Without this sense of ourselves, the scourge would lose its power of + chastisement. We should receive the lashes without a sense of their pain; + and without the sense of their pain we would never amend from this + affliction. From the desire of <span class="pagenum">[104]</span>being + approved and noticed, arises every effort which constitutes the variety of + employments and excellencies the world possesses. It actuates the prince + and the beggar, the peasant and the politician, the labourer and the + scholar, the mechanic and the soldier, the player and the divine. In a + word, there is not an individual in the community whose conduct is not + influenced by its dictates. It is, therefore, not surprising that mankind + should be so impressive to the power of satire, whose object is to + describe their vices and follies, for the finger of public infamy to point + at their deformities and delinquencies. Thus, where law cannot extend its + awe and authority, satire wields the scourge of disgrace; and where + religion cannot convince the atheist, attract the attention of the + debauchee, or reform those who are subject to the power of habit and + fashion, satire affords effectually her assistance. Satire reforms the + drunkard, by exposing to the view of himself and the world the brutality + of his actions and person when under the influence of intoxication. Satire + reforms, likewise, the inordinate actions of those who are not awed by the + belief of future reward and punishment, by exposing them to infamy during + their present <span class="pagenum">[105]</span>existence. And those who + are subject to the dominion of depraved habits satire awakens to a + practice of reformation, from the poignant sense of being the derision and + contempt of all their connexions; for there is no incentive so powerful to + abandon pernicious customs as the sense of present and future disgrace. We + may, therefore, conclude, that nothing tends so much to correct vice and + folly as this species of public censure. Having thus made some + observations on the general utility and necessity of satire, we shall + proceed to examine which of its species is the most likely to be + effective. + </p> + <p> + The most remarkable species of satire are, the narrative, dramatic, and + picturesque; which have also their separate species peculiar to each. The + narrative contains those that either reprove with a smile or a frown, by + pourtraying the characteristics of an individual, or the general manners + of a society, people, or nation; and are either described in verse or + prose. The dramatic contains perfect resemblance, which is described by + comedy; or caricature, which is described by farce. And the picturesque is + what exercises the painter, engraver, and sculptor. In all these species + the satirist may either divert by his humour, entertain by his wit, or + torture by his severity. Each mode <span class="pagenum">[106]</span>has + its advocates. But we think that the mode should be adapted to the nature + of the vice or folly which demands correction. If the vice be of an + atrocious nature, it certainly requires that the satire be severe. If it + be of a nature that arises more from a weakness of mind than depravity of + feeling, we think it should be chastised by the lively and pointed + sarcasms of wit; and, if the failing be merely a folly, it should only be + the subject of humorous ridicule. With respect to determining which + species of satire is the most preferable, the narrative of Horace and + Juvenal, the dramatic of Aristophanes and Foote, or the picturesque of + Hogarth and Stevens; we can best form our opinion from comparing their + different defects and excellencies. As the narrative is merely a + description of manners, it is devoid of that imitation of passion and + character which gives effect to the dramatic. But, as the language is more + pointed, more energetic, and more elegant, it certainly must impress the + reader more deeply. The dramatic, therefore, while it is calculated to + affect more the spectator, is inferior to the narrative in the closet. The + picturesque is more defective than either of the two former. It has only + power to describe the action of an instant, and <span class="pagenum">[107]</span>this + without the assistance of reflection, observation, and sentiment, which + they derive from their verbal expression. + </p> + <p> + We may, consequently, perceive that each species has defects to which + others are not liable, and excellencies which the others do not possess. + </p> + <p> + Thus it is evident that a species of satire, which could blend all the + advantages of all the three, can only be that which is adequate to the + idea of perfect satire. This kind of satire is the Lecture on Heads. We + cannot, therefore, be surprised that it should have been the most popular + exhibition of the age. The heads and their dresses composed the + picturesque: the assumption of character and dialogue by the lecturer, + composed the dramatic; and the lively description of manners, the + judicious propriety and pertinence of observation, composed the narrative. + Thus did the genius of its author invent a species of entertainment which + possessed excellencies that counterbalanced the defects of all other + satirists, produced from the age of Aristophanes, who flourished four + hundred and seven years before the Christian era, until his own time. + </p> + <p> + Having thus enforced the utility of satire in general, and specified the + defects and properties of <span class="pagenum">[108]</span>its particular + kinds, we shall proceed to make a few observations on the peculiar merit + of the Lecture on Heads. We have already seen that it possesses every + quality of all other satires in itself: it only, therefore, remains to + consider its wit, humour, character, and apparatus; which are its + essensial properties. The wit of this Lecture is as various as the + subjects which it satirises. Its brilliancy charms, its poignancy convicts + while it chastises, and its pertinency always adorns the sentiment or + observation it would illustrate. The variety of its species always + entertains, but never satiates. Even puns please, from the aptness and + pleasantry of their conceits. His wit is so predominant, that, if we may + be allowed the expression, it is discovered in his silence. A most + striking example of this is where he uses the rhetorical figure called the + Aposiopesis, or suppression, in displaying the head of a prostitute: he + introduces it with saying, "This is the head of a woman of the town, or a + ———; but, whatever other title the lady may have, we are + not entitled here to take notice of it." Nothing can be more delicate than + this suppression: it displays a tenderness and liberality to the frailty + of female nature, which does as much credit to his feelings as to his + genius. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum">[109]</span>We know not a more happy instance of + giving expression to silence, or giving an idea without verbal assistance, + than is contained in the above character. + </p> + <p> + The humour of this Lecture is grotesque, lively, and delicate; it varies + its form with the character it ridicules. Nothing can surpass the humorous + whimsicality of his situations and expressions; for they please as much + from the fanciful manner in which he places the ridiculous to our view, as + from the resemblance with which he so naturally describes the prototype. + His description of a London Blood cannot fail to excite laughter in the + features of the greatest cynic. The natural propensity which mankind has + to laugh at mischief never was more happily gratified than from his + describing this character <i>pushing a blind horse into a china-shop</i>. + Had he chosen any other animal, the effect would not have been so great on + his audience. If it had been an ass, it would have been attended with an + idea of the obstinacy and the reluctance of this animal, which would have + suggested its being too difficult; it would not, therefore, have excited, + in any manner, the risible faculty. Had it been an ox, it would have <span + class="pagenum">[110]</span>connected with it the idea of too much fury + and devastation to entertain with the picture. But choosing a blind horse, + who, from his loss of sight and natural docility, may be easily supposed + to be led into such a situation; the mind adopts the credibility, and + enjoys the whimsical and mischievous consequence, while it condemns the + folly and puerility of the Blood who occasioned it. It is this peculiar + faculty of choice of subjects, situation, and assemblage, which + constitutes the excellence of a humorist, which Stevens possessed in a + most eminent degree; for he displays it in almost every line of his + Lecture. Indeed, in this art we know of none superior to him, except it be + Shakespeare in some of his comedies, which are inimitable in every thing + which relates to the <i>vis comica</i>. With respect to the characters of + this Lecture, they are such as will be found to exist with human nature; + except a few, who are described as the devotees to particular fashions; + and such will always be found while vanity, luxury, and dissipation, exist + in society. Therefore, from this universality of character, his Lecture + will ever be worthy the perusal of every person who would wish to avoid + being contemptible or ridiculous: for <span class="pagenum">[111]</span>there + is no person but may be liable to some vice or folly, which he will find + exposed by this masterly, pleasant, and original, satirist. + </p> + <p> + His characters compose every part of the community. The old and young, + rich and poor, male and female, married and unmarried, and those of every + learned and unlearned profession, are the subjects of his whimsical, yet + judicious and pertinent, censure. + </p> + <p> + Having thus made some general remarks on the wit, humour, and character, + of this Lecture, it only remains for us to say a few words on its + apparatus. This was merely the picturesque part of the satire, which gave + that effect to the <i>tout ensemble</i>, which it would not otherwise have + produced as a representation. It was by this appendage that Mr. Stevens + was enabled to afford entertainment for nearly three hours without a + change of person, although he changed his appearance. The apparatus was + not only an ornament, but a visible illustration of what would otherwise + have been only mental. It was, therefore, indispensable as a stage + exhibition; for, to entertain an audience, the sight must be exercised as + well as the mind. It is necessary to prevent languor, which will always be + the consequence where reflection is <span class="pagenum">[112]</span>more + exerted than sensation. Thus, in every public exhibition, the senses of + hearing and seeing should be gratified in every manner that is consistent + with the nature of what is produced for the observation of the mind. But + although this apparatus was necessary as a representation, it may be + dispensed with as a closet satire: for, not being confined to read two or + three hours, we can shut the book whenever it becomes uninteresting, which + we cannot at a public lecture. We are then confined to one place and one + object during its performance. It is this which renders every lecture, + that is not accompanied by some apparatus, so tiresome to the auditor. We, + therefore, read such lectures as are upon literary Subjects with more + pleasure than we hear them delivered. But lectures on anatomy, + experimental philosophy, astronomy, and every other that admits of + apparatus, we hear and see with much more pleasure and improvement than + when we read them. In regard to the Lecture on Heads, as the apparatus is + not necessary to make the reader comprehend the force and meaning of the + satire more than he can from the words themselves, we make no doubt but + its perusal will afford such pleasure as to increase its estimation, if + possible, <span class="pagenum">[113]</span>with the public. From a more + close attention they will discover beauties of wit, humour, character, and + imitation, that were not perceived during its representation: for the + minds of an audience are very susceptible of being diverted from attending + to what is represented before them. + </p> + <p> + The company whom they are with, or the attractions of others whom they see + among an audience, frequently suspend the attention while it loses the + greatest beauties of the performance. But, when we are reading a + performance in our closet, whatever is capable of pleasing from its + novelty, propriety, or excellence, is not liable to be lost from any + obstruction or interference by other objects. + </p> + <p> + Consciousness, therefore, of the entertainment this Lecture will afford to + the reader, as well as the auditor and spectator, is the chief inducement + of submitting it thus, in its only original state, for his approbation. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Lecture On Heads, by Geo. Alex. 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