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Susannah!, by Mark Ambient + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Oh! Susannah!, by Mark Ambient + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Oh! Susannah! + A Farcical Comedy in Three Acts + +Author: Mark Ambient + +Release Date: June 12, 2007 [EBook #21820] +Last Updated: November 17, 2012 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OH! SUSANNAH! *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + OH! SUSANNAH! + </h1> + <h2> + By Mark Ambient + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/titlepage.jpg" alt="Titlepage " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/cast.jpg" alt="Cast " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/properties.jpg" alt="Properties " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/costumes.jpg" alt="Costumes} " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img src="images/scene_plot.jpg" alt="Scene Plot " width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> OH! SUSANNAH! </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> ACT I. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> ACT II. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> ACT III. </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="act1 (117K)" src="images/act1.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h1> + OH! SUSANNAH! + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + ACT I. + </h2> + <p> + <i>Scene. The Doctor's consulting room. Ground floor, 13 Marmalade Street, + Pimlico. (See Scene Plot.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Aurora</b>. the slavey, discovered laying out Doctor's letters + lovingly on his writing table; she kisses each one as she lays it down—all + are in blue envelopes.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. They're all for 'im—the dear doctor. Won't 'e be + pleased when 'e comes back and finds all this little lot! 'E went off + quite sudden two days ago. Gone to see a patient, I expect, none ever + comes 'ere, so 'e must go to them, <i>(crosses L., looks in mirror)</i> + Oh, why was I born so rudely 'ealthy? <i>(on sofa)</i> I would like to be + 'is patient. I'd a-bear anythin' with the dear doctor to see to me, 'e's + got sich a sorft 'and. <i>(jumps off sofa and stands C. looking at aunt's + picture, curtseys)</i> I wonder if she's 'is fancy? 'Er with the diamond + combs. You ain't the only one, my lady, with diamond combs! I'll struggle + with yer. <i>(produces combs from her pocket)</i> Tenpence a pair—in + the Strand, <i>(going to put them on, stops)</i> No, I'll wait till 'e + comes 'ome. They're all for 'im, the dear doctor—all for 'im! <i>(end + of sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Tupper</b>, a fat little page.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. I say, <b>Aurora</b>. the missus is a'goin' to do the thing + in style this afternoon, two fiddler blokes—an' a planner an' a + programme o' the dances pinned up over the mantelpiece over 'ead. <i>(picks + up cigarette end off ash tray and smokes it)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b> <i>(down C.)</i> Lor, you don't say! An' printed invitations + an' all. <i>(takes card from mirror)</i> 'Ark at this! "Mrs. O'Hara + requests the honor of Doctor Sheppard'ss company—" + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. 'E won't come back for that. I wish 'e would. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Why not, <b>Tupper</b>? Where's 'e gone? <i>(comes C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Gie us a kiss, an' I'll tell yer. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(moving away)</i> A kiss! There's bloomin' cheek! I + never did! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(coming to her)</i> Oh yes, you did—only larst + Friday, an' it's Friday agin, an' what's more, it's <i>Lady</i> Day. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(innocently)</i> Is it, <b>Tupper</b>? Well, as it's <i>Lady + Day</i>. <i>(puts her cheek up, aside)</i> It's all for 'im! <i>(kiss + Bus.)</i> Now tell me. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. 'E's gorn to get married, <i>(goes down r. puffing + cigarette hard)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(with concern)</i> No, <b>Tupper</b>, don't say that! <i>(changes + her tone)</i> I mean, 'ow do you know? + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(turning round)</i> Gie us another, an' I'll tell yer! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Go hon! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. I will when I got summat to go hon with. <i>(comes to her)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(impatiently)</i> Oh, there, then! <i>(kissed him—aside)</i> + They're all for 'im! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Well, as you know, <i>(gets on table)</i> <b>Aurora</b>. + the doctor's a wonderful gentle gentleman, as gentle as—well, there + 'e is gentle! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(more impatiently)</i> I know that. I give you them + kisses to tell me summat I don't know. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Well, I'm goin' to. When 'e was packing to go away, 'e was + that excited 'e couldn't 'ardly strap the bag. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Well, what o' that? A gentleman can get excited without + gettin' married, yer silly kid! <i>(goes to steps)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Ah, but 'e put on a new frock coat, an' a bran noo pair o' + trarsers—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. The dear doctor! I'll bet 'e looked a toff! <i>(start on + steps)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. An' then 'e 'ad a brandy and soda—wot for? <i>(up to + couch)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. 'Cos 'e was thirsty, o' course, yer silly kite. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Thirsty! It was to bring 'im up to the scratch! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> The scratch! My 'eart! My 'eart! <i>(top of + ladder)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. I bet my buttons 'e's enj'ying 'is 'oneymoon in 'is noo + clothes, an' forgotten all abart me an' mine. <i>(up stage R.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(curiously)</i> <i>Your</i> noo clothes? + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Yes, I was loored into these under false pretences. When + Mrs. O'Hara engaged me, she says she'd let orf 'er ground floor to a very + risin' doctor. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. So 'e is! The day <i>will</i> come, 'e'll be the most + risin'—<i>(gesticulates with feather-duster, on steps, nearly falls)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Do you want to 'ear abart my trarsers, or do you not? <i>(sits + on couch)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Yes, <b>Tupper</b>, o' course I do—get 'em orf yer + chest. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Well, Mrs. O'Hara, <i>she</i> sez, 'e'll find yer in + clothes, she sez, an' think of all the gratooities—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Great—who? + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Gratooities from grateful patients—shillins an' + 'arf-crowns, she sez. Well, we been at it three months to-day— + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(sadly)</i> An' not a blessed patient 'as called yet. <i>(comes + down)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. No, but the <i>tailor's</i> called, lots o' times, an' + larst time 'e was very cross—said 'e'd 'ave these clothes orf me if + they wasn't paid for Lady Day. <i>(crosses to R. of table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh! the person! Never mind; the day will come. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. The day 'as come! <i>(takes up pile of letters)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Well, never mind, look at all these—all from lady + patients, <i>(sits in Doctor's chair, puts on his eye-glasses)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(laughing)</i> Lady patients! Why, they're bills. That's + the butcher, <i>(puts it down)</i> An' that's the chemist. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh! 'e can read! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(puts it down)</i> I know 'em all! <i>(reads)</i> + "Cummerbund and Co., Tailors." Oh lor! That's me! <i>(drops the pack + suddenly)</i> I call it downright selfish of the doctor to go away and + never think of me. <i>(produces crumpled telegram from pocket)</i> Oh, I + forgot, this is for you! <i>(hands it to her)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Silly kid! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Who's it from? Your young man? <i>(reads wire over <b>Aurora</b>'s + shoulder)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(opening it)</i> 'Arf a mo'! It's from the dear Doctor. + <i>(aside)</i> I'd know 'is 'and writing anywheres, it's sich a sorft + 'and. <i>(reads word for word)</i> "Expect — me — back — + at — half — past — four — and —: please + — have — my — tea — ready." + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(counts words on his fingers—sadly)</i> There's + extravagance. Blues a tenpence on a telegram, an' my clothes owin' for. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b> <i>(aside)</i> 'Ave 'is tea ready! That I will! As if I + wouldn't 'ave it ready whenever 'e comes, bless 'im! <i>(stuffs telegram + in bosom, then fusses about room, putting things straight, starts scouring + bureau)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(watching her)</i> I believe you're in love with the + "Dear Doctor." <i>(picks another fag end off ash-tray and lies on couch + smoking it)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh, go smoke! Little boys should be seen and not heard! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Well, any'ow yer always tidyin' up 'is things an' + neglectin' the missus, an' yer only 'arf 'is, yer know. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Front door bell rings.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(snatches ladder quickly and goes to the door, saying to + herself)</i> 'Arf 'is, indeed! No! It's all for 'im—all for 'im! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>. L. U. E.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(laughs)</i> That's <i>sure</i> to be for the missus. + She 'as lots o' callers. She's a widder. If I was a woman, I'd be a + widder. <i>(jumps off couch)</i> Oh lor, if it's the tailor, <i>(crosses + to fire, stands back to it, legs apart)</i> I wouldn't mind so much, only + I sold my old clothes to 'ave a bit on a dead cert, wot didn't come orf—dead + certs never do—I wish my clothes was a dead cert. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b>. followed by <b>Pearl</b>. then <b>Ruby</b>. then + <b>Plant</b>. in single file. <b>Tupper</b> works behind arm-chair and + gets up stage and puts out cigarette)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Our fust! <i>(fussily shaking sofa cushions, + standing behind sofa)</i> Take your seats, please! <i>(motions girls to + sit)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Ruby</b> sits r. of <b>Pearl</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Make yourselves quite at home—and don't be frightened. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Girls turn round and stare at her.)</i> + </p> + <p> + 'E'll treat yer kindly—'e's got sich a sorft 'and! <i>(soothingly to + <b>Ruby</b>)</i> Would yer like a cup o' tea, miss, to buck yer up? <b>Ruby</b>. + No, thank you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> Oh, the doctor allus gives 'is + ladies tea. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Tupper</b>, sitting on couch, bursts out laughing and shoves his + handkerchief in his mouth.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. No, thank you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(looking round)</i> Is the doctor out? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(bustling about dusting)</i> Yes, sir. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Girls rise.)</i> + </p> + <p> + —But 'e'll be back at 'arf past, if the ladies'll kindly wait. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Girls sit.)</i> + </p> + <p> + 'E's been called orf to see a lady who couldn't wait. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Tupper</b> same Bus.—<b>Aurora</b> goes to him.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(coughs.)</i> Ahem! That will do. <i>(aside)</i> Fancy + setting up for a ladies' doctor in Pimlico! How can he earn bread and + butter in Marmalade Street. No. 13, too! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(to <b>Tupper</b>)</i> 'Old yer row! They're lady + patients. 'Appy girls! I wonder what they've got? + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Nuffiin'. They're a bit off <i>all</i> right! <i>(laughs)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(sadly)</i> Are they, <b>Tupper</b>? Then why do they + come 'ere? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> What has <i>he</i> done to deserve a rich + aunt who has instructed me to draw up a deed settling a thousand a year on + him? It's disgusting! <i>(sits, head on hand)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(sees <b>Plant</b>. head on hand—aside to <b>Aurora</b>)</i> + Oh, p'raps it's 'im! <i>(comes to him)</i> Anythin' wrong with yer 'ead? + <i>(touches his hair)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Girls laugh—<b>Plant</b> looks dumbfounded.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. The doctor's wonderful clever for 'eads. <i>(same Bus.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Don't do that! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Yus, 'e cured mine in a jiffy. I rekkemmend 'im to all <i>my</i> + friends. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Ah, then I presume Doctor Sheppard has a large practice. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(cheerily)</i> Oh yes, sir, 'e's allus practisin'—'e + practised all larst week on the milkman's baby. It 'ad the direfearier, + sir, in its throat, and the doctor was afraid the cows'd catch it and + spile the milk. 'E stopped up all night for a week nussin' that baby. <i>(goes + on scouring bureau)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Oh, he's a wonderful gentle gentleman, is the doctor. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> A "Gentle Sheppard?" Just what his rich aunt + hopes to find him. I must get a word with <b>Ruby</b>. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(to <b>Tupper</b>)</i> Ah, you hear what his grateful + patients think of him. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(comes down)</i> Grateful patients? <i>(shakes head + sadly)</i> No, miss, not yet. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. You carry the medicine round, don't you? + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. No, sir, not yet. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. But you're the doctor's boy, aren't you? + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. No, miss, not yet—only 'arf of me, the other 'arf + belongs upstairs. You see, the doctor ends orf where the stair-carpets + begin; 'e shares me with the missus—an' 'e shares the gal too. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(rises, coughs)</i> Ahem! That will do! Is the room + always so full of smoke? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(coming to him quickly)</i> Oh yes, sir, wuss generally, + <i>(flaps wet flannel in his face)</i> The doctor's a wonderful gentleman + for smoke, 'e lies on that couch smokin' all day long, an' read in' this + 'ere book, <i>(fetches it)</i> You look at it. <i>(comes down C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Girls go up to her,)</i> + </p> + <p> + You can't make 'ead nor tail of it, 'cep' the pictures, an' they is—well, + there! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Ahem! That will do! <i>(takes it from her before his + daughters see it)</i> What are the doctor's hours? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. I dunno, sir—all hours. Sometimes out all day. + Sometimes don't come home all night—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Ahem! That will do! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Wednesday 'e went out, an' ain't back yet + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Two days ago? That lady's case must be serious! <i>(comes to + back of sofa and sits L. end)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. It is serious, miss, I tell yer. <i>(confidentially)</i> + It's a case of—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(yells in her ear)</i> Ahem! <i>That</i> will do! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Sorry I spoke! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Very unusual for smoke to hang about for forty-eight hours. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Oh,that's nothin', sir. 'E's wonderful unusual in 'is + 'abits. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. 'As a biled egg for 'is dinner orfen. <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> Poor fellow! He must be starving! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Tupper</b> looks admiringly at <b>Ruby</b>. and goes to fire, + stands back to it, legs apart.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>., <i>(aside)</i> "Poor fellow!" He'll be rich enough before + the day's out. It's hard not to tell one's own daughter—but I + mustn't betray a professional confidence. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Fine gels! <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> 'E'll be + wonderful glad to see you, Miss. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. How do you know? + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. 'Cos 'e's settin' up as a ladies' Doctor. miss, an' you're + the fust callers we've ever 'ad. <i>(aside)</i> Bar the tailor. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. The first? <i>(to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> He <i>is</i> starving! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh, 'e'll cure yer, whatever yer got. <i>(crosses to <b>Plant</b>)</i> + He's wonderful clever. 'E'd see through you, sir, weskit an' all. 'E don't + hax no hex rays to tell 'im. <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> 'E knows all what's + goin' on in yer innards—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Ahem! That will do. Er—no doubt, no doubt. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. No bloomin' doubt, sir. <i>(going to him)</i> But I do 'ope + you'll pay afore leavin'—'cos it's Lady Day, an these 'ere clothes + ain't paid for yet—an' if they ain't—they're a-comin' orf. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. That'll <i>do!</i> We don't want to hear any fairy tales. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(sadly)</i> There ain't no tails about these 'ere. <i>(looking + at his jacket)</i> It's a norrible fac'! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. You can go—<i>(to <b>Tupper</b>)</i> both of you. <i>(to + <b>Aurora</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(having fetched pail—to <b>Tupper</b>)</i> Come + aw'y, you talk too much. <i>I'm</i> the doctor's local demon when 'e's + aw'y. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exeunt <b>Tupper</b> and <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Nice sort of servants for a doctor to have. <i>(puts book on + couch)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>. who is reading a letter)</i> Who's that + from? + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Lieutenant Merry! + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Oh, let me read it! + </p> + <p> + <i>(They read it together.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> A thousand a year for an unbusinesslike young + fool, and here am I, her own cousin's husband, and she's never given me a + penny, except what I've borrowed. <i>(Bus. with pocket hairbrush, mirror + at back)</i> I did think my chance had come when she sent for me to + Cumberland. I got the hair-dresser to touch out all the grey ones, + thinking I might fetch the old girl, but as soon as she saw me she was + very rude, called me a fright, and began asking some damned awkward + questions about my late wife's trust money. Just my luck! <i>(sits at + writing table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(reading from letter which <b>Ruby</b> holds)</i> "And, + my darling <b>Ruby</b>—if your father dies"—there's not much + "if" about it. He does. <i>(taps her hair)</i> I've seen the bottle. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Both giggle.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside, looking in pocket mirror)</i> So I took the next + train back to Southsea, and romped my daughters up to town. If <b>Ruby</b> + can only hook the doctor before the aunt arrives, I'm saved—if she + can't—I'm—ahem! + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(aside to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> And only think, <b>Pearl</b>. + when he's an Admiral, I shall be Lady Merry—perhaps a Duchess! + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. But, father—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Oh, he'll be delighted. We're keeping it as a surprise for + his birthday. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. He'll be 63 next birthday—he looks more like 36. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Both laugh.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(to them)</i> Stop that silly giggling! <i>(crosses over + to the two, sends <b>Pearl</b> across to table)</i> Go and sit over there. + <b>Ruby</b>. my precious jewel, I have something very solemn to say while + we are waiting to see the doctor. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(jumping up, excitedly)</i> Pa, don't say you've brought + us for the doctor to sound us. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(quietly, sitting still)</i> He shan't sound <i>me!</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. On the contrary, I've brought you to sound the <i>doctor</i>, + <i>(pulls <b>Ruby</b> down again and sits r. of her on couch)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(excitedly)</i> What about? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. You are aware that although we are strangers to Doctor + Sheppard, he is our cousin. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Second cousin, pa! + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. On mother's side. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Three times removed. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Well, well, let us hope he won't be so far removed in the + future. I regret very deeply that we have never yet enjoyed the friendship + of—er—<i>dear</i> cousin Jack. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. You have frequently remarked, it was not worth while to + cultivate <i>any</i> of our poor relations. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(hotly)</i> Do you want your pocket money stopped? The + fact is. <b>Pearl</b>. you're bringing my grey hairs——<i>(stroking + his black locks)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(quietly)</i> Your what? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(jumping up)</i> I stop your pocket money for a month! + Ooh! <i>(puts his hand to his back)</i> This lumbago is unbearable. When a + man gets to my time of life—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(quietly)</i> What time is it now? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(hotly)</i> I stop your pocket money for <i>three</i> + months! + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(rises)</i> Really, father, a solicitor should be more + cautious. I meant to say the time is getting on, <i>(points to clock and + crosses to couch—stands behind <b>Ruby</b>)</i> and you have not yet + informed us of the "very solemn" something you have to say. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. I accept your explanation—without prejudice. <i>(stands + R. of couch)</i> I say when a man gets to my time of life—the future + happiness of his offspring becomes an all-engrossing theme. You are aware + that when exalted personages contemplate a matrimonial alliance, they + neyer look outside the family. Living as we do, in so fashionable a resort + as Southsea, we cannot be too —er—"tony" in such important + matters. Now you are both—as I know, being your father—heart-free. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> digs <b>Ruby</b> hard in the ribs.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(crying out)</i> Oh! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. How dare you interrupt me! + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. I didn't, pa, it was—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Sneak! <i>(pinching her arm)</i> <b>Ruby</b>. It was + nothing! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> sits in big armchair.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(aside to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> Little cat! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. I accept your explanation, without prejudice. You have heard + from that stupid Buttons what a noble character the doctor bears, and no + man is a hero to his—his Buttons. The <i>one</i> thing the doctor + wants is a <i>wife.</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. To look after his buttons? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Silence, miss! And you, my dear <b>Ruby</b>, my favourite, I + mean my first-born, have all the qualifications for a doctor's wife. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. A doctor's wife? <i>(looks at <b>Pearl</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. It has always been the dream of my life to see you united in + matrimony to <i>dear</i> Jack. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>Cheap</i> Jack! He hasn't a penny! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Oh hasn't he?—er—<i>(aside)</i> Nearly let it + out that time, <i>(to her)</i> I mean should he be clever enough to win my + <b>Ruby</b>. my <b>Ruby</b> mine—er—this afternoon, he will be + rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Alas, I have no dowry to give you, save + the blessing of your dear old—your dear fond, <i>fond</i> father, <i>(kisses + her forehead)</i> But only obey me in this, and Lady Fortune will smile on + us all—smile—<i>smile</i>. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(bursts into tears)</i> I can't smile—I won't! <i>(turns + to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(comes to meet her—aside to her)</i> Of course you + won't—I'll get you out of it. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(angrily)</i> Stop that silly crying. He'll be in soon, + and you look a perfect fright with your eyes all red. You've never obeyed + me in your life—either of you—but I've made up my mind this + time, and damme—I'll make you obey me. I swear <i>that dear cousin + Jack shall be my son-in-law.</i> <i>(crosses C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(going quietly to him, standing between him and <b>Ruby</b>)</i> + If such is your determination, I will sacrifice myself. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(contemptuously)</i> You! + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(rushing to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> You shan't! + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. I will—what is it after all? Marriages aren't made in + heaven now-a-days. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. No, no, <b>Pearl</b>. you're too good. I'd rather marry him + myself. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. You can't—you know you can't—you're engaged. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Sneak! <i>(pinches her arm)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> howls.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(shouts)</i> Stop quarrelling! Such rivalry between + sisters is most unseemly. What do I dress you alike for? + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. To save expense. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. No, miss, to save <i>jealousy</i>, and I'll have no Jealousy + about this. Settle it amicably between you, <i>(aside, crosses to R.)</i> + Good idea! They'll go it faster without me. I'll leave 'em alone with him. + <i>(aloud)</i> Dear, dear, I've forgotten something I particularly want to + show Jack. I'll step over to our apartments—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Pa, you can't leave us alone in a bachelor's room! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Hang it, you're cousins, and you're two to one. Now, + remember, <i>one of you two must marry Jack</i>—that's my last word, + and you know my word, like my profession, is law! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Plant</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. We've got a nice thing in fathers, <i>(looking out of + window)</i> He's brought us up to London to put us on the market + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Yes, and by a cheap excursion. <i>(goes L.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Now we know why we've come to encamp just across the street—it's + to lay siege to a penniless cousin. <i>(picks up "Quayle on Muscles" off + couch, takes it to table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(at small table up stage L., opens case, shrieks)</i> Ach! + knives! + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(looks up from book)</i> <i>You</i> wouldn't do for a + doctor's wife, whatever Pa says, <i>(looks at picture)</i> Besides, you're + not free, but I am. <i>(sadly)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <b>Pearl</b>. there's Waverly! <i>(coming to her, looking + over her shoulder at picture)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Yes, there's Waverly, but he's <i>(turns to next picture)</i> + most disappointing. He's been staying at Southsea with Lieutenant Merry + for a whole week, <i>(turns page)</i> and father's been away the whole + time. <i>(turns page)</i> And I've given him every possible encouragement. + <i>(looks at picture)</i> At least, of course I didn't go so far as <i>you</i> + did with Lieutenant Merry. You were—simply—<i>(turns page)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(looking at picture)</i> Shocking! <i>(shuts book and puts + it back on couch)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Yes, you were! <i>(laughs)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. How dare you! I never gave Andrew the slightest + encouragement, <i>(sits on sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. My dear <b>Ruby</b>. I judge by results. He proposed to you + the second day. <i>(comes and sits by her on sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. What about you? You let Waverly kiss you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Only once—just there; <i>(touches her cheek)</i> and + that was after a dance, which doesn't count. No, I've gone as far with Mr. + Vane as any girl, who isn't a born flirt, <i>(pointedly looking at <b>Ruby</b>)</i> + can go, and he's said nothing—yet So I'm going to get father to + invite Doctor Sheppard down to Southsea, and I'll flirt <i>desperately</i> + with him. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Ruby</b> crosses C.)</i>You see, I shall be obeying father—I + shall get you out of your difficulty, and it will force <i>Waverly</i> to + say something—definite, <i>(sits on the word)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Oh, <b>Pearl</b>! What a clever idea! <i>(thinks)</i> <i>Andrew</i> + hasn't been <i>quite</i> so attentive since I accepted him. And, as you + say, dear papa must be obeyed, so I'll flirt with Doctor Sheppard too, + before Andrew—it'll do him a <i>world</i> of good. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Doctor Sheppard! + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. No, <i><b>Andrew</b></i>, of course. Oh, <b>Pearl</b>. I + wonder how they're getting on without us? Do they ever talk about us, do + you think? + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Of course they do—<i>everybody</i> talks about us—in + Southsea. + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(heard off)</i> Not in? P'raps he's got a patient. <i>(laughs)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. It's <b>Andrew</b>! How do I look? <i>(jumps up and looks in + mirror)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> tries to pull her away from it—Enter <b>Andrew</b>. + followed by <b>Waverly.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Waverly.</b> <i>(looking at girls' backs and nudges <b>Andrew</b>)</i> + P'raps he's got two patients. + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Oh, Susannah! <i>(takes double stethoscope off table, aside + to Waverly)</i> Let's have a lark. I'll pretend to be the doctor. + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> No, no, never joke about business, <i>(scuffles to get + stethoscope)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Ruby</b> looks round.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <b>Ruby</b>! <i>(goes to her with outstretched arms)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> looks round.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> <i>(aside)</i> <b>Pearl</b>! Oh, lor! <i>(goes down r.)</i> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(coyly)</i> Mr. Vane! What attraction has brought you all + the way from Southsea? <i>(follows him)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Waverly looks confused.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> What's brought you? We called at + Clarence Parade this morning and found that you'd flown up to London by + the excurs—the early train, so we thought what a lark it'd be to run + up on the chance of meeting you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> We didn't expect to find you at the doctor's. + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. No. <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>. anxiously)</i> Are you ill? + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(laughing)</i> No. + </p> + <p> + Waver, <i>(to <b>Pearl</b>. wearily)</i> Don't say it's <i>you</i>. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. I'm <i>never</i> ill. What's the matter with you? + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> <i>I've</i> only come with <i><b>Andrew</b></i>, <i>(tries + to cross to <b>Andrew</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> pulls him back.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(screams)</i> Oh <b>Andrew</b>. then it's <i>you!!!</i> + What's the matter with you? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(laughing)</i> Nothing! Sound me if you like. <i>(offers + stethoscope)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. But <i>why</i> have you come to see a <i>doctor</i>? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(laughs)</i> I haven't—I've brought Vane to + introduce him to my old school-fellow, dear old, serious, studious, + short-sighted, absent-minded Jack Sheppard. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(together)</i> You know <i>Jack</i>? + </p> + <p> + Waver, and <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(surprised)</i> Jack? + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Cousin Jack! Didn't you know? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. No, you never told us you <i>had</i> any cousins. What a + lark! Jack's my greatest friend—because we're such opposites, I + suppose. I call him Dull Boy, because "all work and no play makes Jack———" + see? Rather smart for me, and he calls me "Merry <b>Andrew</b>"—<b>Andrew</b> + Merry—Merry <b>Andrew</b>—see? Oh, that was Jolly smart for + Jack—only joke he ever made. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Ruby</b> sits on couch—<b>Andrew</b> behind couch.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> Why have you never mentioned his name? + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. We haven't seen him since he was a little boy in kilts. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. We saw lots of him then, we were both of us <i>awfully</i> + in love with him. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. And we're longing to see him again! <i>(pointedly)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(laughing)</i> Oh, are you? Well, I shan't be jealous of + <i>serious</i> old Jack. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Oh, won't you? + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b> exchange looks, smiling.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> Where is he? + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(quickly)</i> He won't be back till half-past—<i>(coyly)</i> + How shall we kill time? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. I know, come and shoot tin dickie-birds at the Aquarium—I + must have exercise. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Oh, what fun! Come along! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exeunt <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Andrew</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> <i>(breaking away—aside)</i> I shall never have the + pluck to break it to her that I've got engaged to another girl. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(looking at door, then at Waverly, drops Tier eyes)</i> + Well! + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> <i>(stands facing audience, back to writing table—to + her)</i> Miss <b>Plant</b>. there's something I want to say to you—something—I—I—I + don't know how to <i>say</i> it. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(coquettishly)</i> Then don't say it. Write me a little + note, <i>(taps his arm, goes to table, holds up note-paper and pen)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> Thanks awfully! <i>(sits and writes)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> walks away.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Pauses, aside, alarmed)</i> Does she mean business? She's not a + lawyer's child for nothing. She might make a Breach of Promise out of + this, <i>(tears up letter and pockets the pieces)</i> I'd better blurt it + out. <i>(goes to her)</i> I say, it's not—er—it's not that. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Not what? + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> I mean—er—<i>(absently takes from his pocket a + kodak made like a large turnip watch, and fumbling nervously with it)</i> + I mean I've been and got—er—I've been and got—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. A watch? + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> No. <i>(aside)</i> But it'll gain time, thank goodness. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. What is it? <i>Do</i> tell me. + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> A detective camera that <i>defies</i> detection. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(rises)</i> Oh, what fun! <i>(takes it from him)</i> + Let's go and take snap-shots at <b>Andrew</b> and <b>Ruby</b> when they're + not looking, then they shall take us—when we're not looking, <i>(takes + his arm)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Tupper</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> <i>(aside)</i> She does mean business. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exeunt Waverly and <b>Pearl</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(looking after them)</i> I don't like the look of those + two gents, <i>(takes cigarette end off ash-tray, lights it)</i> They've + gorn and eloped with the fust two customers we've 'ad. <i>(lies on + operating couch)</i> Oh, well, I don't interfere with other people's + business. I got enough to do to look after my own. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter Doctor in high hat, frock coat, overcoat, carrying a Gladstone + bag, looks as if he had something on his mind.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Jumping off couch)</i> I <i>am</i> glad to see you back, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Thank you, <b>Tupper</b>—a kind boy—unpack + these, <i>(hands him bag)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(finds bag very heavy, drops it down by bureau, opens + bottom drawer, looks in, aside)</i> Empty—must 'ave pawned the lot + to buy the noo ones, <i>(takes out pile of books and papers and one + collar)</i> I wonder if 'e's spliced, 'e looks un'appy enough. I'll arsk + 'im. <i>(chucks books, MSS., collar, etc., into drawer, anyhow, crosses on + tiptoe to Doctor)</i> 'Ave yer brought 'er with yer, sir? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(swinging round on revolving chair facing <b>Tupper</b>, + who has backed to bureau alarmed)</i> Don't talk, I'm busy! <i>(opening + his letters—aside)</i> Can that boy have guessed? No, how could he? + <i>(picks up Cummerbund's letter)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(aside)</i> 'E's got the letter! <i>(closes drawer)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(throwing down letters savagely)</i> Bills, bills, bills—nothing + but bills! <i>(walks up and down shying things about)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(aside, stealing out on tiptoe)</i> It's my last day out + o' bed, I know it is. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Tupper</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(takes card out of mirror)</i> "Sir Peter and Lady + Quayle request the pleasure——" That's what did it, that dinner + of Quayle's. Sir Peter told me over dessert, that for the first six months + after he started in practice, he was starving. Then he met a young + governess who was starving too, and with what their friends called + "sublime imprudence" they got married. <i>And he never looked behind him + after</i>. Then he said if I meant to get on as a gynaecologist, I must + get married. "Your wife will prove a mascotte like mine did," he said, + "and patients will flow in—simply flow in." Well, I believe in + Quayle. That was Tuesday night; on Wednesday I ran down to Lowesloft, + proposed to Flo on Thursday, we were secretly married this morning at the + Registry Office, she's gone back to her people, and I've come back to + town; and what do I find? Nothing but bills, and I can't pay one of them. + After settling for the special license, my fare back to town, and that + telegram to <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(feels in pocket, produces coppers)</i> I've + got sevenpence half-penny in the wide world and a wife! It's all Quayle's + fault! Damn Quayle! I'll never believe in him again. I don't even know + where my next meal is coming from, <i>(walks up and down)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b> with the tea—goes to small tea-table.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. 'Ere's yer tea, sir. I was glad to get your telegram. Mrs. + O'Hara was getting quite anxious about you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> About her rent, more likely. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. She wondered where you'd got to, but I knew, sir. 'Ow is + the pore lady? Do you think she'll get over it, Doctor? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Don't talk, my good girl, I'm busy, <i>(cuts bread)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b> <i>(getting behind couch—aside)</i> "'Is good girl," + that I am, it's all for 'im. I know 'e's starving. 'E goes for that stale + quartern like the pore prodigal gentleman with the 'usks, but I've got a + treat for 'im, that there card put it in my 'ead. <i>(points to Quayle's + card in mirror)</i> I've bought 'im a beautiful bird, that'll give 'im a + relish, <i>(to Doctor)</i> Couldn't you fancy something light with yer + tea, sir? <i>(back of couch)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Yes, I think I could—I'll finish that tin of potted + pig I left, <i>(rises, gets cC)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> My stars! An' <b>Tupper</b>'s ate it! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(opens drawer of bureau)</i> Hullo! It's gone! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(to him)</i> G-gone bad, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(suspiciously)</i> Gone bad? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Yes, sir, an' I've fr—fr— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Fried it? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. No, sir, frowed it away! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> All of it? <i>(goes to medicine chest)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Yes, sir, all of it. <i>(one step back, nods hard)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> She's eaten it. <i>(to her)</i> <b>Aurora</b>. + show me your tongue. H'm! you'd better take this. <i>(pours out a draught)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside, rapturously)</i> 'Is patient at larst! <i>(takes + it)</i> Thank you, sir. <i>(gasps)</i> I've touched 'is 'and. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> You won't like it. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. I will, sir, if I die arter it. <i>(aside)</i> I'm in seven + 'eavens already! <i>(drinks, pulls an awful face)</i> It's all for 'im! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor puts glass back, <b>Aurora</b> takes big lump of sugar from + tea-table.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(seriously)</i> You might have died of ptomaine + poisoning, eating that decayed tinned stuff, <i>(crosses to sofa, sits + again)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh, sir, I never touched a mossel. <i>(big lump in her + cheek)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(surprised)</i> You didn't eat it? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Not me, sir! I ain't no thief! <i>(takes another lump)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(smiles)</i> Well, never mind. That won't hurt you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Please, sir, <i>(looking at him fondly—hesitatingly)</i> + Mrs. O'Hara, she arsked me to say—as it's Lady day, would you allow + 'er—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> I know—something on account. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh, no, sir—would you allow her to send up a + beautiful bird for yer tea? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> No, thanks, I—I've just dined, <i>(eats ravenously)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Lord forgive 'im. <i>(watches him eating)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Mrs. O'Hara has tried that dodge before, but + I'm not taking any. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. I'm sure you'd like it, sir, it's a quail on toast. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside, jumping up)</i> Quail on toast!' Damn it! Do you + want to drive me mad? <i>(shouts to her)</i> No! Go! <i>(sits and pours + out another cup)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> No go. 'E don't love me, or 'e wouldn't say + that? + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bell rings.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Oh, that bell! <i>(comes back and quickly removes the things)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(still holding teapot in left hand)</i> What are you + doing now? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Clearing away, sir, in case it's for you. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b> with tea-tray.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> What's she done that for? I wish Flo was here to look after + me. It was hard to leave her at Lowestoft, <i>(takes photo from pocket, + stands it up before him on table)</i> Dear little Flo! The one girl I've + loved all my life! <i>(arm outstretched, teapot in L. hand)</i> To think + that you're my wife at last! <i>(slowly closing his arms)</i> My wife! <i>(hugging + teapot, yowls)</i> It seems too good to be true. And where are the + patients Quayle said would flow In? Simply flow In! <i>(waves teapot, tea, + goes all over the stage)</i> Hello! its flowing out. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Plant</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(loudly)</i> I say, where are my patients? <i>(loudly, coming down + stage, not seeing <b>Plant</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(more loudly)</i> And I say <i>where</i> are my + daughters? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(seeing him)</i> My first! Quayle's right, after all. <i>(comes + to <b>Plant</b> teapot in hand, assumes professional air)</i> Good + afternoon, won't you sit down? <i>(seats himself and writing table, puts + teapot on blotter. He is always absent-minded when absorbed in his + science)</i> + </p> + <p> + Now! <i>(earnestly)</i> What can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Well, upon my word, he's a cool customer. <i>(stands + R. of table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Come, come, let's hear what it is, or how I can help you; + you know I'm in the habit of hearing confidences, <i>(sees teapot, puts it + under table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(indignantly)</i> Sir, I'm a father! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(bowing)</i> Sir, I congratulate you. <i>(writes + "Father" on note pad—to <b>Plant</b> cheerfully)</i> Is it a boy or + a girl? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(hotly)</i> Two girls, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Dear, dear, I sympathize with you. <i>(makes a note "two + girls")</i> Mother doing well? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(gesticulating wildly)</i> The mother's dead, sir! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(with sympathy)</i> Ah, now I understand your agitation, + <i>(makes note)</i> And the twins—are <i>they</i> well? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(wildly)</i> Damn it, Sir, they're not twins, and I've + lost 'em. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Dear, dear! <i>(aside)</i> Lost his wife and both the poor + little babies, <i>(writing on note pad)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(chokingly)</i> Only half an hour ago, and I've come to + you—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(putting up his hand)</i> No, no, if your own Doctor + won't grant a certificate, it's no use coming to me. <i>(tears up notes)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. I tell you I left 'em here, on this sofa. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(rises indignantly)</i> Oh <i>my</i> sofa! Then you'd no + business to. How dare you leave the poor things lying on my sofa? Where + are they? <i>(looking under sofa cushions)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Hang it, sir, that's what I've come to ask <i>you</i>. What + have you done with them? + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Tupper</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(to Doctor)</i> Please, sir, Mrs. O'Hara says—<i>(hands + him her account book)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(seizing <b>Tupper</b>)</i> Where are my daughters? <i>(crosses + C, shaking <b>Tupper</b>—threatening him with big stick)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. I dunno, sir—give it up. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. No prevarications! You saw the two young ladies. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(surprised)</i> Two young ladies! I see now! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Are you their <i>father</i>, sir? I didn't think you was + old enough. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(pleased, releases him, pats his head)</i> Good lad! <i>(crosses + down L.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Where have they gone, <b>Tupper</b>? + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>, I dunno, sir—they was fetched. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Fetched? Who by? <i>(rushing at <b>Tupper</b> furiously)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. I dunno, sir, two gentlemen—they didn't leave no + name, they simply come, saw the ladies—-and carried 'em off. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bus.—<b>Plant</b> threatening <b>Tupper</b>—<b>Tupper</b> + arm up.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Tupper</b> quickly.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Just my luck—lost two cases! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. A plot, sir—a vile plot—whoever the scoundrels + are, they shall pay heavily for this wounded heart. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(seriously)</i> Heart? Cardiac? <i>(hand on <b>Plant</b>'s + heart, listens)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(half crying, on Doctor's arm)</i> My precious jewels! + Two dear girls, <b>Doctor.</b> who have never caused me a moment's + uneasiness all their blessed lives. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Apparently not. Hadn't you better go and look for them? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(excitedly walks up and down)</i> Ah, you are not a + father— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside, looking through microscope)</i> Hope not—only + married this morning. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. —or you couldn't stand there unmoved. I am struck down + in the flower of my days; this is a stroke, sir, a fatal stroke. Ach! <i>(cries + out with pain—puts hands to his back)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> That's not a <i>stroke</i>—that's <i>lumbago</i>. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(hotly)</i> Hang it, sir, I speak in parables—I'm + not a patient! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Not a patient! Then what do you come here for? Parables are + no good to me. I've got my living to earn! <i>(rings bell)</i> Good + afternoon! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. 'Ere's a letter for you, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(taking it)</i> Thanks, and show this gentleman out. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Very good, sir, we <i>are</i> busy to-day, sir. <i>(to <b>Plant</b>)</i> + This way out. <i>(at door)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(to Doctor)</i> You little know whom you are insulting. + Some day, sir, your eyes will be opened—and you will discover that + the country cousin— + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Aurora</b> listens and mimics him.)</i> + </p> + <p> + —whom you spurned from your door, was none other than a fairy + prince, who will this very day lift you from the slough of grovelling + poverty to the realms of affluence and prosperity. Good day, sir! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Aurora</b> crosses and exits behind <b>Plant</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(alone)</i> "This very day"—"Affluence and + prosperity"—"fairy prince"—oh, he's off his dot! <i>(looks at + postmark)</i> "Ambleside." Why, it's from <i>(rises and crosses L.)</i> + Aunt Susannah! "My dear Nephew: I have heard glowing accounts of your + success." My success! "I long to see my brilliant nephew —I'm coming + up to London to-morrow." To-morrow—to-morrow, <i>(looks at calander)</i> + that's Saturday, good job it's not to-day. Mrs. O'Hara's got an Irish + party on upstairs and Aunt Susie's so awfully quiet she can't stand the + slightest noise, <i>(reads)</i> "It is my constant joy to know that you + are devoting your days—and I daresay many of your nights—to + the noble work of alleviating human suffering." <i>(looks at her picture—reads)</i> + "I mean to do all that my money can do to help you to pursue your glorious + profession with everything in your favor." Its too good to be true! <i>(rises)</i> + No, it isn't Quayle's right again! Flo <i>has</i> brought me luck, and on + our wedding day! <i>(pause)</i> The very day! That's what that silly old + man with the dyed hair meant. By Jove! he is a fairy prince! Oh, Flo, Flo, + what a honeymoon we'll have! <i>(dances all over the room with delight, + seizing a sofa cushion to dance with)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b>. followed by <b>Ruby</b>. <b>Pearl</b>. Waverly + and <b>Andrew</b> in single file.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. The Doctor'll see you directly. Take your seats, please. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b> sit on couch, <b>Ruby</b> L. of <b>Pearl</b>; + <b>Andrew</b> and Waverly R. C, laughing.)</i> + </p> + <p> + TABLEAU. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(stops dancing suddenly—aside)</i> Quayle's right + again! They're flowing in, simply flowing in! <i>(sits at table—to + Waverly down r.)</i> Good afternoon. Won't you sit down? + </p> + <p> + <i>(Waverly sits O. P. corner.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Now what can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(behind <b>Doctor.</b> slaps him on back, laughing)</i> + What do you take us for, Dull Boy? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(turning round)</i> Why, it's Merry <b>Andrew</b>! + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Of course it is! How are you? This is Mr. Vane, old friend + of mine. + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> <i>(other side of Doctor)</i> How are you? <i>(shakes hands)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(between them)</i> Not a patient? <i>(to <b>Andrew</b>)</i> + Who are the ladies? + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> Don't you know your own cousins? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(mystified)</i> Cousins, what cousins? + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(coming down L. of him—<b>Andrew</b> gives way)</i> + Second cousins. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(coming down r. of him—Waver, gives way)</i> On + mother's side. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> I know, you're the <b>Plant</b>s from Southsea? But how + could I recognise you? I haven't seen you for so long. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(making eyes at Doctor)</i> We hope to see you every day + now; we're in town for a week. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> What does she make eyes at me like that for? + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Yes, just across the road—<i>dear</i> Jack! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> "Dear Jack?" This is very sudden! <i>(to + them)</i> Er—have some tea? <i>(rings bell on table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Oh, thank you. I love tea. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Girls go to sofa—Boys follow.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Some more tea, please, <b>Aurora</b>—hot, strong and + quick! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Yes, sir—hot, strong and quick, <i>(dives under + knee-hole of table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> What are you doing there? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(coming through)</i> Getting out the teapot, sir. + </p> + <p> + TABLEAU. <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(back of sofa, to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> And have you come up + from Portsmouth with Merry <b>Andrew</b>? + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(confused)</i> No—of course not, my <i>dear</i> + Jack! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> But aren't you—eh? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(laughs)</i> You've guessed it in once, Dull Boy! But + it's a secret. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(pleased)</i> I'm never wrong in a diagnosis. <i>(shakes + hands with <b>Andrew</b>)</i> I congratulate you. <i>(looks at <b>Pearl</b>)</i> + And you and Mr. Vane are—— <i>(shaking hands with Waverly)</i> + I congratulate you—— + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> shakes her head.)</i> + </p> + <p> + —Er—I mean I beg your pardon. + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> Don't mention it. + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. You were having a jolly good caper when we came in; what's + up? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> She's coming! <i>(waves hand vaguely towards picture and + sits on sofa between girls)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b> with tea.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(laughing)</i> Oh, <i>you've</i> got a "she," have you? + You dog! <i>(back at sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> 'E's got a she! <i>(gasps audibly)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Dear Jack! + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(to her)</i> Here, not so much of your "dear Jack!" + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Don't be absurd, <b>Andrew</b>. he's my cousin. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Andrew</b> goes C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + I congratulate you with all my heart, dear Jack! <i>(kisses him)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Aurora</b> gasps again, louder.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. And I congratulate you too! <i>(kisses him)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>( <b>Aurora</b> gasps a third time, loudest, and puts tray on + tea-table, upsetting milk jug onto tray. Takes everything off tray + quickly, pours spilt milk back into jug, wipes tray and mops milk off + floor with apron, goes to fire and wrings out apron in fireplace.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(rises, goes up)</i> You've got something on your chest, + <b>Aurora</b>—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Yes, sir. <i>(takes out loaf of bread and puts it on the + table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> I must give you a tonic. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(with fervour)</i> Oh, do, sir. <i>(goes C., aside)</i> + 'Is patient again! I wonder what colour it'll he this time? <i>(to Doctor + as he hands her the draught)</i> Will this 'ere mix with that there, sir? + <i>(pointing at it)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(snatching it back)</i> No, I'm hanged if it will!1 <i>(puts + it down)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b> <i>(aside)</i> I was a little silly to speak. I did want to + touch 'is 'and again. 'E's got sich a sorft 'and! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>. sadly.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. And what is your lady-love like? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(pointing to Aunt's picture)</i> That! + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Oh, isn't she pretty! <i>(looks at <b>Ruby</b> grimacing)</i> + Who is she? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> My maiden aunt Susannah! + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Oh, Susannah! Now you're having a lark with us. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> No, I'm not—I leave larking to you. She's coming + to-morrow. + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> To-morrow? We've got a box at the Hippodrome; you must come + and bring your aunt. + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Yes, we'll trot her round. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor handing cigarettes to <b>Andrew</b>. who hands them to Waverly, + and Waverly to girls.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> No, no, she's not a trotter. She lives at Ambleside, and + she's awfully quiet. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> takes a cigarette from Waverly, strikes match on her + shoe, lights it.)</i> + </p> + <p> + She'd think a visit to the Ballad Concerts was reckless dissipation, and + if she saw a girl riding a bicycle or smoking a cigarette she'd say—<i>(sees + <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>—stops confused)</i> I—I—don't + know what she'd say. + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(roars and slaps him on the back)</i> Just the same + serious old Jack. You must come out with Vane and me to-night. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor writhes when <b>Andrew</b> slaps him.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> Yes, we'll paint London red for you—it's the season + for spring-cleaning. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> With pleasure, but mind you, no larks after to-night. I + know what a fellow you are for practical jokes, but if you played any joke + on auntie, I'd never forgive you. She's one of the best, and I want her to + enjoy her visit in her own quiet way. <i>(looks through microscope)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. So she shall, old fellow! We'll take her to the Zoo to see + the lions fed. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. That <i>will</i> be quiet! + </p> + <p> + <i>(All laugh.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Where's that specimen? <i>(rings bell)</i> + Oh, I remember, in there—<i>(points to door R. I. E., to them)</i> + Will you excuse me for a moment? + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit R. U. E.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Andrew</b> crosses to sofa, <b>Pearl</b> pulls Waverly on to sofa. + The Quartette sit around tea-table, talking and laughing.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Where's the dear doctor? What have they done + with him? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(who has his arm round <b>Ruby</b>. aside to Waverly)</i> + Lend me your detective camera? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Detective? I'm in this—it's all for + 'im! <i>(hides behind operating couch)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> Here, no larks, Merry <b>Andrew</b>. what do you want it + for? <i>(nervously indicating that <b>Pearl</b>'s taken his arm and put it + round her waist)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(with smothered laughter)</i> I'll show you! <i>(takes + it from him)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Waverly nervous tries to get his arm away—<b>Andrew</b> takes + snap-shot at Aunt's picture, <b>Aurora</b> watching, her eyes just above + couch.)</i> + </p> + <p> + All over! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Aurora</b> bobs down.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. What's the joke? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. I'm going to that wig-maker fellow to get him to make me up + just like this snap-shot of that picture, he'll do it in half an hour, + dress and all. I'll come back before you're gone, and Jack'll think I'm + his "she." + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> <i>Will</i> he? Not if I can help it! <i>(bobs + down)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. And you'll all be larking and smoking and kicking up no end + of a row, and poor old Jack's serious face'll be a study. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Will he? I'll learn you to make fun of the + dear <b>Doctor.</b> see if I don't! <i>(creeps to door)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>. unobserved.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Re-enter Doctor—Waverly withdraws his arm suddenly, <b>Pearl</b> + puts it back.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(to Doctor)</i> Jack? + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor doesn't hear, absorbed in microscope.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Jack, dear, has any one been here while we were away? <i>(toying with + Waverly's hand)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(still looking through microscope)</i> Only a Billy old + lunatic with dyed hair and a touch of lumbago. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(jumping up suddenly)</i> Father! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Andrew</b> sits on couch with <b>Waverly.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Oh, lor! <i>(aloud)</i> I'm awfully sorry I + didn't know he was your father, he said he was a fairy prince. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. How like him! <i>(laughs)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Where's he gone? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> To look for someone—I think it was you. <i>(points to + Waverly and <b>Andrew</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Had he his big walking stick? <i>(seriously)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(nods)</i> He had! He practised with it on <b>Tupper</b>. + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b> and Waveb. <i>(together, rising)</i> I think we had better + be going now. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(to <b>Andrew</b>)</i> Yes, do, you don't know papa when + he's roused. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Waverly looks around nervously and goes up.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Oh, I'm not afraid, but I've an appointment. <i>(winking + and smiling)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(smiling)</i> With a lady? <i>(pointing at picture)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(smiling)</i> Yes! + </p> + <p> + <b>Waver.</b> I'll come with you, I'd like to see her. + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Right! Shan't be long, Jack, and when we come back we're + going to take you out to have one jolly good caper for the last, <i>(slaps + him hard on back.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(absently)</i> The last before auntie comes. + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(laughing and nudging <b>Waver.</b>)</i> As you say, <i>before + auntie comes</i>. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Andrew</b> and <b>Waverly.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> He's looking at us! Suppose he's + fallen in love with us! + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. He mustn't for worlds—father would accept him at once! + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> We must be very <i>distant</i> + cousins now. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Girls sit on sofa.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> I'm no match for the two of 'em. <i>(sits on + couch between girls—cheerily)</i> Now make yourselves quite at home, + let me give you some more tea? <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(freezingly)</i> No, thank you. <i>(moves to armchair)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> goes to window and looks out.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(C. aside)</i> Very sudden change! What have I done? + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(looking out of window)</i> Father's back! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bell rings. <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b> rush back and sit one on each + side of <b>Doctor.</b> cuddling close to him, each holding one of his + hands.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(to them)</i> Father's back? Oh, yes, I know, <i>lumbago!</i> + I'll cure it. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Plant</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Ah, here you are, my precious jewels! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor rises, girls rise with him, still holding his hands.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Sir, accept a father's thanks! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Holds out his hand, which Doctor cannot take—Bus. then girls + release him—shaking Doctor's hand.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Forgive my harshness this afternoon—a father's feelings, you know. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> On the contrary, you ought to forgive <i>me</i>—I + know now how much I owe you—my fairy prince! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Girls laugh and sit on sofa.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(quickly)</i> Hush! Not before the girls! <i>(goes to + them, stands back of sofa)</i> My precious jewels, how thankful I am to + find you safe and well, <i>(aside)</i> I'll give it you when I get you + home. I know <i>all!</i> <i>(to Doctor)</i> Two dear girls, <b>Doctor.</b> + who have never given me a moment's uneasiness all their blameless lives, + <i>(aside to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> Have you settled? Which is it to be? + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(aside to him)</i> Me. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(aside to him)</i> And me too! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(savagely to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> I shall lock you up in our + room, miss, for the rest of the day. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(ruefully)</i> Oh, papa, how unkind! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> And you too! <i>(aside)</i> I + can get on better without you. <i>(to <b>Doctor.</b> stroking their hair)</i> + Ah, <b>Doctor.</b> the man who would dare to rob me of my precious jewels, + <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>. will have much to answer for. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Don't distress yourself, no man would be so heartless, <i>(looking + through microscope)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Ahem! Not such a fool as he looks! These girls are no match + for him. I must get him alone. <i>(aloud)</i> Well, <b>Doctor.</b> we + mustn't waste your precious time; I see you're busy. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> No, no, not on a Friday, to-morrow's my day. <i>(nearly + dances, checks himself, aside—to <b>Plant</b>)</i> Besides I'm + expecting an old school fellow directly, he's a lieutenant in the navy, + and my greatest friend. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Consternation of <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + You <i>must</i> stop. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. My dear Jack, we should be charmed to meet any friend of + yours, but really during our short stay in town we have so many + engagements, <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> Say good-bye and kiss him! + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. I have kissed him once. <i>(rises)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Good! Do it again for luck! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> crosses towards Doctor)</i> + </p> + <p> + Not you! <i>(stops her)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(to <b>Plant</b>)</i> I wasn't going to. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. I wouldn't trust you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Good-bye, <b>Doctor.</b> I wish you every success. <i>(shakes + hands and goes up stage)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Good-bye! <i>(pause)</i> Dear Jack! <i>(pause)</i> I <i>(going + to kiss him, catches her father's eye, aside to <b>Plant</b>)</i> I can't + when you're looking. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside to her)</i> Idiot! <i>(aloud)</i> Come, my + precious jewels! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Puts his arms round them; swing Bus.)</i> + </p> + <p> + The sunshine of my widowed home, Jack, a humble place, but when you come + to visit us at Southsea, you will echo the words of the immortal bard, and + join with us in singing, <i>(sings)</i> "Ours is a happy little home!" + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Plant</b>. <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>. </i>all quarrelling + loudly<i>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(alone)</i> What a strange man! I wonder why he's + pleaded my cause with Aunt Susannah? <i>(looks at aunt's picture, sitting + end of sofa)</i> Poor Aunt Susie, when she was quite a girl she fell in + love with a man who turned out all wrong; that's why she's lived such a + lonely life all these years. Dear Aunt Susie! I'll do all I can to give + you a good time, <i>(goes back to microscope)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(excitedly)</i> If you please, doctor—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Don't bother me now, <b>Aurora</b>. I'm busy. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(sadly)</i> I don't want to bother you, sir, I've come + to give you <i>warning</i>. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> You want to leave me? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>Never</i>, sir, not till I'm took feet front. I want to + warn you about that detective, sir, as the gent brought in his pocket. His + friend let it off at that picture, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(mystified)</i> Let <i>what</i> off? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Detective camera, sir, an' 'e's comin' back dressed up like + 'er. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(smiling)</i> Who is? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. 'Im as 'is friend calls "Merry <b>Andrew</b>." sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(rubbing his hands)</i> Oh, is he? It's my profession to + cure people, and I'll cure <i>you</i>, Master Merry <b>Andrew</b>. of this + insane love of practical joking, <i>(thumps on table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>Do</i>, sir, I <i>don't believe</i> there's no ailment, + male nor female, what you couldn't not cure, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Thank you, <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(crosses to fire)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Excuse the liberty I've took, sir, but I thought I'd best + warn you, sir, lest when 'e come dressed up, you might think it was—it + was <i>she</i>—and—and be disappointed, <i>(half crying)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> So I should have been—<i>very</i> disappointed. <i>(looking + at picture)</i> Thank you very much. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Still gazin' at 'is fancy! The time 'as come. It's now or + never—I'll struggle with yer! <i>(gets on chair, looks over into + mirror, takes combs from pocket, puts them on, pauses)</i> I do 'ope <b>Tupper</b> + was wrong; if 'e's gorn and married 'er, I'm the miserablest girl in all + Pimlico—South Belgraviar, I mean, <i>(jumps down)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(turning round and seeing her)</i> What on earth are you + doing? Do you want to bring the house down? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. I can't 'elp my weight, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(smiling)</i> What a swell you look, <b>Aurora</b>! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(effusively)</i> 'E's seen my combs—my diamond + combs, <i>(shakes head to make them sparkle)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(laughing)</i> Did Mrs. O'Hara give you those paste + things to wear for her party? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(disappointed)</i> No, sir, they <i>ain't</i> for Mrs. + O'Ara, and they <i>ain't</i> pastry things, <i>(aside)</i> 'E don't know + diamonds when 'e sees 'em! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> They're like those in my aunt's picture. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(joyfully)</i> Is that your h'aunt, sir? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Yes. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Ho! I h'am glad! <i>(aside)</i> There's 'ope, there's 'ope! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> But those combs have gone out since that picture was + painted; you're a long way behind the times—a long way. <i>(bursts + out laughing and rushes out)</i> Ha! ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Doctor.</b> R. I.E.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(alone, sobbing)</i> I'm "gorn out"—"be'ind the + times," there's no 'ope, I shall never wear 'em again—<i>(takes them + off)</i> But I'll 'ave 'em buried with me. <i>(pockets them)</i> I shall + die an old maid now—I can't wait till <b>Tupper</b>'s growed up. Oh, + it's an 'ard world for us maids, a very 'ard world! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>. sobbing, L.U.E.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(heard off)</i> Is Doctor Sheppard in? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(heard off, sobbing)</i> I'll see, mam, I'll s-ee! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b>. followed by Aunt Susannah.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(to her)</i> What's the matter with you, my good girl? <i>(c. + up stage)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(sobbing)</i> N-othin', mum. We're a b-bit b-busier + to-day than usual, that's all. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Is this the doctor's consulting room? <i>(looks round with + affectionate interest—sits at his table)</i> <b>Aurora</b>. One of + 'em, mum—I expect 'e's in one of the h'inner rooms, engaged with + some patients, 'e's always very busy on a Friday—you couldn't 'ave + picked a worse day to come and see the great <b>Doctor.</b> 'Ave you got + an appointment? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> I wrote to him. He expects me about this time. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh! <i>(Bus.—mimicking her intonation)</i> Then I'll + tell him. <i>(knocks at door R.I.E.)</i> A lady to see you, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(heard off)</i> All right! Tell him to take a chair. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(at door)</i> It ain't an 'im, it's an 'er! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(heard off, laughing)</i> Oh, then tell <i>her</i> to + take the couch. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Aunt crosses L.C., looks at tea-table.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> The h'operating couch! Pore thing! If it + ain't a h'arm, it's a leg! <i>(looks at her sympathetically)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(looking at picture over door)</i> My picture! How sweet + of the dear boy! Oh, Jack, what a happy time we shall have together. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(coaxingly)</i> If you please mum, the doctor says as + you're to take the couch, and he'll take your case next, mum. <i>(puts her + arm round her waist and walks her up to couch)</i> + </p> + <p> + TABLEAU. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(smiling)</i> My case! <i>(sits on sofa)</i> <b>Aurora</b>. + Yes, buck up, mum! <i>(slaps her on back)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(amused, aside)</i> Am I <i>very pale</i>, I wonder? If I + am, it's with the joy of looking forward to clasping my dear brother's + child in my arms. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(kindly)</i> It'll soon be over. He'll be very gentle + with yer, he's got sich a sorft 'and. <i>(puts her legs up)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Doctor.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(sotto voce)</i> Damn good get-up. <i>(loudly)</i> Damn + good! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(shocked)</i> Oh, doctor! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(to <b>Aurora</b>)</i> Don't you see? It's the picture—my + Aunt Susie! <i>(points to picture, then to her)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(comes to join him, they stand c, backs to audience, + roars)</i> So it is, an' I said, "If it ain't a h'arm, it's a leg." <i>(roars)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> It's <i>both</i> arms and <i>both</i> legs, <b>Aurora</b>. + and we'll have 'em off in a twinkling, <i>(takes coat off, rolls up shirt + sleeves)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(flabbergasted)</i> Both arms! Both legs! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Right you are, sir, you fetch the larfin' gas, while I + sharpen the knives, <i>(sharpens two long knives from case against each + other)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(screams)</i> Knives! Murder! Murder! Let me out! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit quickly.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(calls after her)</i> Don't go—Old Soosie-Toosie! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(laughing)</i> We've cured him, sir, we've cured him! + </p> + <p> + CURTAIN. <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="act2 (111K)" src="images/act2.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + ACT II. + </h2> + <h3> + Scene.—Same as Act I. No time elapses. + </h3> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(alone)</i> Good old Merry <b>Andrew</b>! What a sight + he looked! Fancy expecting me to take his lumbering carcase for my gentle + aunt. Why, I could see his trousers, <i>(laughs, picks up bills, suddenly + stops laughing)</i> I must sober down now and remember I'm a married man + with a lot of responsibilities—and no money, not <i>yet!</i> But + auntie's coming to-morrow—the <i>real</i> aunt—coming like a + good fairy to make everything rosy! <i>(looks at photo)</i> Flo, dear + little Flo! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bell.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(not hearing bell, engrossed in photo)</i> I'm longing to tell you the + good news! I'll write to you. <i>(sits and writes)</i> "Dear Madam." <i>(tears + it up)</i> I mean "Darling Flo." <i>(writes)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Flora</b>. shown in by <b>Aurora</b>. She carries a bag in + each hand, and parcels under each arm.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. This way, miss. The doctor's very busy, but—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(not hearing, writes)</i> "What wouldn't I give to have + you here now." <i>(takes out coppers)</i> Sevenpence ha-penny! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(slyly behind him C.)</i> Is Doctor Sheppard in? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(absently)</i> Good afternoon. Won't you sit down? Now, + what can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh? + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. The trouble? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Oh, it's my wife! <i>(rushes into her arms)</i> Flo! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Jack! <i>(kisses him)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(gasps, aside)</i> 'Appy patient! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Delighted to see you, my dear Flo—most unexpected + pleasure—only sorry you can't stop the night. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(surprised)</i> Jack! I've come to stop for ever. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(releasing her suddenly)</i> You can't—you + mustn't! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. But I can and I must! I can't live apart from you, Jack. + I've tried it all the morning, and I can't. <i>(falls in his arms)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> But you must live apart from me—for—for a day + or two. There's a lady coming to-morrow who mustn't see you here for + anything. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(by sofa C.)</i> A lady! The first day of our honeymoon! + Who is she? <i>(pauses)</i> A patient? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(smiling and shaking his head)</i> Better than a hundred + patients. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. What's she coming for? Tell me—tell me at once. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(putting his arm round her assuredly)</i> My dear little + wifie, she's only my maiden aunt. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Oh, Jack, are you <i>sure</i> she's a maiden aunt? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Quite! Here's her letter, <i>(crosses to sofa, takes it + from his pocket and gives it to her)</i> Now are you satisfied, jealous + little woman? + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Forgive me, Jack. I can't help being jealous of everybody + and everything—I love you so much! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(round on to sofa)</i> I know you do—and see what + luck you've brought me. <i>(pointing to letter which she is reading)</i> I + told you we shouldn't go wrong if we followed Quayle's advice. Auntie's + coming to-morrow, and she's going to do all that money can—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(reading letter)</i> To-day, Jack—she's coming <i>to-day</i>. + This letter was written yesterday. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(suddenly)</i> What a fool I am! Where's the Bradshaw? + <i>(crosses to table, turns over leaves of Bradshaw, hurriedly)</i> + Ambleside! A! Where's A! Acton, Aldersgate, Ambleside, here we are! Good + gracious! She's nearly here! <i>(crosses to Flo)</i> Flo, it will never do + to greet her with a story of a secret marriage—she'd be simply + horrified! It's very hard to part—it's been a short and + unsatisfactory honeymoon, <i>(kisses her)</i> But— Where's that + Bradshaw? <i>(crosses to table, fumbles to find the place)</i> Lowestoft? + L! L! Where the devil is L? + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b> with letter.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. 'Ere, sir—a letter for you, sir—and the boy's + waiting, <i>(R. C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(takes letter)</i> Look out the next train, you <i>must</i> + catch it! <i>(throws Bradshaw to Flo)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor reading letter—Flo reluctantly looking out train, in + Bradshaw, half crying.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> You shall catch it, impudent 'ussy! I see + yer kiss 'im! They all kiss their dear <b>Doctor.</b> excep' me. <i>(turns + up her nose at Flo, crosses R. of table c.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(glancing at <b>Aurora</b>)</i> I don't like the look of + that girl, <i>(starts)</i> She's reading his letter, and <i>I</i> haven't + seen it! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(to Doctor)</i> Any answer, sir? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Yes, I'll write a note to this lady. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(jealously)</i> A lady! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside, reading the letter)</i> I'll learn 'er bloomin' + symptoms—I must be 'is patient. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(watching her)</i> The forward minx! <i>(shuts Bradshaw + with a bang)</i> I won't go back to Lowestoft. A wife's place is by her + husband's side, <i>(takes her hat off and sits twisting Bradshaw, + viciously)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Give the boy this. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Yes, sir. <i>(takes note, crosses to Flo)</i> Can I show + you your place— + </p> + <p> + <i>(Flo indignant.)</i> + </p> + <p> + —in the Bradshaw, miss? P'raps you ain't beyond the A. B. C. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(haughtily, snatching it back)</i> No, thank you—I + can manage myself. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Can yer? I'll struggle with yer—I've + learnt 'er symptoms, <i>(as she goes out)</i> Impudent 'ussy!—kissing + the dear doctor. I'll struggle with yer, my gal! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(looking at <b>Doctor.</b> who is absorbed reading + letter)</i> He's forgotten me already, <i>(pause)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(rubbing his hands)</i> Good business! Call on you this + evening, my dear lady—of course I will! I wish it was time now. <i>(looks + at watch)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(jealously)</i> Who's that letter from, Jack? <i>(kneels + on sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> A lady in Grosvenor Road. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. How long have you known her? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> I've never <i>seen</i> her yet. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Who is she? <i>(stands)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> A patient, Flo—my first—at last! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(with a sigh of relief)</i> Oh, only that! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> "Only that!" My dear Flo, a doctor's wife can't afford to + be jealous. You'll frighten away all my most paying patients. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Oh, no, Jack, I won't, <i>(runs and kneels by him)</i> I'll + try and look as if I liked them, but I can't help being jealous. My + jealousy's only love the wrong side up—that's all. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> I know it is, and I'm so glad that my first case has come + when you were here. You are a mascotte indeed! <i>(stoops and kisses her)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. If I stop, I'm sure lots and lots and lots will come. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(not noticing, absorbed in letter)</i> This is the very + case I've always been hoping for, and I've got if at last! Just look at + the gold crest, and the thick paper. No, don't read it. Oh, it's worth + three guineas a week, if it's worth a penny, and it's a three years' job—bar + accidents. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. What's she got? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Hysterical paraplegia—she's afflicted with all sorts + of abnormal fancies and longings. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Front door bell rings.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(jumping up suddenly from her knees)</i> Who's that? + Another lady afflicted with all sorts of longings? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(seriously, rubbing his hands)</i> I hope so—devoutly, + <i>(rises suddenly)</i> By George! If it's auntie!1 She mustn't find you + here. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(running about aimlessly)</i> Where shall I go? <i>(crosses + L., runs towards bathroom R. U. E)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(stopping her)</i> Not in my <i>bedroom!</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Why not? I'm your wife! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Oh, yes, I forgot. But aunt may want to take her things + off, and if she found <i>you</i> there, the whole story'd have to come + out, and she might think it was a fairy tale, and that would be awful! I + know—on my operating couch. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(shrieks)</i> Ach! Operating! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Runs down O. P.., crosses R. corner and then round table C., followed + by <b>Doctor.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> It's all right! It won't bite you! <i>(takes up rug)</i> + I'll chuck this rug over you. She'll think it's something anatomical. + She'll never suspect it's my blushing bride. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Oh, Jack, why should you hide your blushing bride? She's + sure to find me <i>here</i>. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> No, no, she won't! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. She <i>will! I'm so conspicuous!</i> <i>(sits on sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> The <i>more</i> conspicuous the better, when you want to + hide anything. It disarms suspicion, <i>(down stage)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(jumps off couch, and stalks down to him in a towering + rage)</i> Jack! You've done this <i>before!!</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Never! I swear! Do help me now, and all will come right, <i>(drags + her back and covers her up)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(popping her head out)</i> Oh, hubby, are you <i>sure</i> + we're <i>properly</i> married? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Quite. Lie still, <i>(same Bus.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(same Bus.)</i> It doesn't feel like it a bit. Oh, it's a + horrid, horrid wedding day! <i>(kicks and disarranges rug)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(putting it back)</i> She's coming! Lie still, do lie + still! Flo, please—for my sake! Do lie <i>quite</i> still— + </p> + <p> + <i>(Flo kicks.)</i> + </p> + <p> + and don't kick. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Plant</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. My dear cousin Jack! <i>(putting out his hand)</i> I'm so + glad to find you alone. My mission is of rather a delicate nature. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Oh, Lord! <i>(looks at couch nervously to <b>Plant</b>)</i> + I'm rather busy to-day. You couldn't call some other time, could you? <i>(feels + his pulse)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. My dear Jack, you misunderstand me—it's not me—it's + my precious jewels. I've left them lying in their room, their sobs were + distressing to hear, they are suffering terribly. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Another case! Quayle's right again! They're + flowing in. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Locked up, and serve 'em right. I'll get on + better without 'em. <i>(aloud)</i> They are both—<i>( sobs )</i> + —both—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Two of 'em! The more the merrier! I'll come at once, <i>(putting + on his hat)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. No, you misunderstand me—they are simply overcome with + the way—to use their own phrase—the "affectionate" way in + which you received them this afternoon. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> And Flo can hear every word. It's all up! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. They can talk of nothing else. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor pulls <b>Plant</b>'s coat.)</i> + </p> + <p> + It's Jack, dear Jack, darling Jack, <i>(same Bus.)</i> Ah, you have robbed + me of my precious jewels. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(glancing nervously at couch, with assumed levity)</i> + Nonsense! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(indignant)</i> It's not nonsense at all, it's very <i>serious.</i> + Heaven forbid that I should speak, harshly to a young man with a rich—ahem!—future—but + as their father—from whom they have never had a secret all their + blameless lives——<i>(crosses R.)</i> I tell you, sir, you have + broken <i>two</i> hearts in one afternoon. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(gloomily)</i> Oh, good afternoon! <i>(sits at table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> I shall go home by the next train. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. They're wasting the best years of their lives, and all for + you, sir—all for you! <i>(cross L., waves his stick excitedly)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(half to himself)</i> I can't commit bigamy. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. I don't ask you to marry both—<i>(whacks)</i>—of + them, but one or the other you must—<i>(whacks)</i>—and <i>shall</i>—<i>(whacks + on table)</i>—after all you have said and done, <i>(up)</i> Now, my + dear sir, <i>(walking about waving his stick C.)</i> I speak to you as a + bachelor—<i>(whacks rug with walking stick)</i>—without + encumbrances, <i>(whacks)</i> What have you got there? <i>(whacks)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(gets up)</i> My encumbr———er—my + model! <i>(R. of chair)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Your model? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(intercepting him)</i> Yes, my ana—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Anna? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Anatomical model. Look out, you'll break it—and these + things cost money, you know. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. I accept your explanation—without prejudice, Well, to + return to our muttons—I mean my poor lambs— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Oh. damn your lambs! <i>(crosses L.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. I ask you, as a father, what are your intentions? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Can't tell him I'm married—he'd tell + auntie. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(severely)</i> Answer me, sir—what are your + intentions with regard to my two daughters? <i>(Bus. Flo.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(sofa, aside)</i> If he wasn't my fairy prince, I'd + brain him! <i>(spots Flo's hat and collars it, confused)</i> Flo's hat! Oh + —er—honourable, you know—strictly honourable, <i>(tries + to hide Flo's hat)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(pointing to Flo's hat)</i> What is <i>that</i>, sir? <i>(works + right round sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(following)</i> A lady's <i>hat</i>, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Don't be flippant, sir. <i>(seizes hat and waves it)</i> + You're deceiving my girls, two girls with but one Single thought, two hats—hearts + that beat for Jack. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(to <b>Plant</b>)</i> I'm deceiving no one—that + hat belongs to one of my patients. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> A patient, indeed! He's got none. <i>(goes + for hat)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> A lady in whose case I take the deepest interest. Can't + tell you—it would be a breach of professional etiquette. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(goes to Doctor over R., throws his hat and stick on + sofa)</i> Ah, now you're talking business. The legal and medical + professions are sisters, and should have no secrets. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(shakes his head)</i> No, no, it's a delicate case. <i>(Bus.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Delicate cases are my speciality, and if I can be of any + assistance to you—<i>(aside)</i>—or you to me—. <i>(aloud)</i> + I'm at your service. Proceed. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> I'll break it to him gently why I can't + marry his daughters, <i>(to <b>Plant</b>)</i> Well, to begin with, she's a + married woman—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Is she? She'll cost her husband a pretty penny in hats. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(airily)</i> Oh, he can afford it. <i>(speaks low so + that Flo can't hear)</i> He's a great friend of mine—in fact, the + greatest friend I have in all the world. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(loudly)</i> Then what's his wife's hat doing here? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> That's just like a d———d + lawyer! + </p> + <p> + <i>(softly)</i> Don't you see, they married secretly, without her parents' + consent, and she went back to her people, and—and time went on—and + at last she could bear it no longer, so this afternoon she came up to town + to find her husband—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Your greatest friend? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Er—precisely! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> It's that lieutenant in the navy. I must + remember that. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> And she came straight to me, and she had a fit of hysteria + and she fell—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Fell? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Yes—in my arms. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Sir! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Fainted—fainted! And now she's lying down, and the + question is, when she recovers, where is she to go? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Go? To her husband, of course! Where is he? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Ah, that's the question! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(aside, popping her head out)</i> I've got the cramp! I + shall shriek in a minute. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> I'll put him under an obligation, <i>(to + Doctor—effusively, loudly)</i> My dear cousin, my door is ever open + to the weary wanderer, and if the fair owner of that hat—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> No, no! It's very kind of you, but I won't hear of it. The + fair owner of that hat is perfectly comfortable where she is. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor and <b>Plant</b> up.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Ooh! <i>(sits up)</i> + </p> + <p> + TABLEAU. + </p> + <p> + She's not a bit comfortable where she is, Doctor Sheppard! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Ah, the old story! <i>(crosses R. of table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. I've got pins and needles. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> My poor child, let me——<i>(goes to her O. P. + side of table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Go away—don't touch me. <i>(lies on couch, rubbing her + leg, aside to Doctor)</i> I'm not your poor child any longer. I shall get + the registrar to cancel our certificate. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(to <b>Doctor.</b> who comes down C., looking miserable)</i> + So that's your anatomical model, eh? Your friend's wife? You Don Juan! <i>(digs + him in ribs. In his ear)</i> "These things cost money, you know." <i>(laughs—to + Doctor)</i> If it comes to a divorce, look me up. I'll pull you through on + reduced terms. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> No, no, you don't understand. + </p> + <p> + <i>(To Flo, who comes down between them)</i> + </p> + <p> + Are you all right now? + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(coldly, crossing from him to <b>Plant</b>)</i> Yes, + thank you, Doctor Sheppard. <i>(aside)</i> Now I'll find out all about + Jack and these precious jewels! <i>(crosses r. to <b>Plant</b>)</i> I + accept your kind offer of hospitality, sir. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor pulls Flo to him, she gets away, and sits down r.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> He'll have to marry my daughter after this, + <i>(goes to Flo)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> I hate letting her go with <b>Plant</b>. but + P'raps it's the best way out. Anyway she'll not see auntie, I must get 'em + oft before she comes, <i>(to <b>Plant</b>)</i> My fairy prince, how can I + thank you for this double act of kindness? + </p> + <p> + <i>(Slaps him hard on the back—<b>Plant</b> doubles up with + lumbago.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Don't double up like that—you might be struck so. I'm more grateful + to you <i>(same Bus.)</i> than I can express. <i>(same Bus again)</i> I've + moved him at last! Good! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor goes to Flo, who crosses L. to sofa at once.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. I must get out of this. Ah, my dear young lady, allow me. + Your hat. <i>(hands Flo hat from off sofa, watching Doctor—to Flo)</i> + Ah, he's a sad dog, always full of fun! That's why all the girls are so + madly in love with him. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(severely)</i> They must be mad to be in love with him! + <i>(at sofa back, putting her hat on, looking in mirror)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Tired of him already. She'll be wanting to go + back to her husband—good business for the lawyer—<i>(rubs his + hands)</i>—and especially for yours truly, <i>(goes up in front of + mirror—crosses round sofa)</i> I must find out what her husband's + name is. I'm quite ready when you are, my dear Mrs.—er—Mrs.—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(crosses C. quickly, aside to <b>Plant</b>)</i> Garden—. + better call her Miss Garden for the present. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside to Doctor)</i> I say, this mustn't be used against + me in evidence. It's only for your sake, you gay dog! <i>(offers his arm + to Flo)</i> Come, my dear Miss Garden—you must confide in me as in a + second father. + </p> + <p> + <i>(She takes his arm.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> I hope she won't! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(at door)</i> I say, Jack—"a lady in whose case I + take the deepest interest!" <i>(nods towards her)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(to <b>Flora</b>. as they go out)</i> Flo! Speak to me. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(going—angry)</i> No, I won't speak to you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(as they go out arm in arm, winks at Doctor)</i> No, sir, + we won't speak to you. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit with <b>Flora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bell rings.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(alone)</i> I should like to have that gentleman for a + surgical patient! I half wish I hadn't let her go. Those girls are sure to + talk about me, and Heaven only knows what they'll say! I wonder if they're + really in love with me? No! not likely. I'm not the sort of fellow girls + fall in love with. No girl ever fell in love with me except Flo—dear + jealous little Flo! Ah, well, I love her all the more for being so + jealous, and I know she loves me. Thank Heaven one woman loves me, and + only one. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit R. I. E..)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b>. followed by <b>Aunt.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. This way, mum. The doctor's very busy. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> I'm calmer now! <i>(her lips are set, and she + looks anything but calm)</i> And I'll make him explain his outrageous + conduct, <i>(crosses right round writing table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Will you take a chair, mum—and I'll tell the doctor—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(with suppressed indignation)</i> Engaged with some poor + suffering patient, I presume? <i>(sits)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> I don't like her tone of voice, <i>(comes + down and looks in her face—aside)</i> It's 'im! <i>(aloud)</i> Is + the doctor expectin' of you back, or was you took wuss? What's your + complaint, eh? <i>(taps her on the shoulder)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(indignantly)</i> My complaint? <i>You!</i> <i>(shoves her + away)</i> Go and tell the doctor that I am here, at once. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(not moving)</i> Oh, yuss, if not sooner. What name, eh? + <i>(same Bus.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(loudly)</i> No name. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(not moving)</i> Oh, the doctor won't see no lady + without no name. 'E's very particular. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(with suppressed rage)</i> Then tell him Susie-Toosie + wants to see him. <i>(crosses sofa and sits)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh! what ho! <i>(laughing)</i> Susie-Toosie—oh, if + it's that you needn't wait. Come along, outside. <i>(tries to pull her out + of her chair)</i> 'Op it! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Doctor.</b> <b>Aurora</b> stops suddenly.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(surprised)</i> <b>Aurora</b>! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(to him)</i> It's Susie-Toosie, sir. <i>(laughs)</i> + Come back again. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(laughing)</i> So it is. Go on, <b>Aurora</b>. turn it + out, that thing's my aunt, <i>(sings)</i> "For she's a jolly good fellow." + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bell rings.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(leaving go of Aunt)</i> Drat that bell, it's spoilt my + day. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(quietly)</i> Look here, you merry <b>Andrew</b>s take + your hair off. <i>(pulls it)</i> Oh, by George!, he has stuck it on tight! + <i>(pulls it harder)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(indignantly)</i> Sir! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Don't put on that silly voice, I know all about you. I'll + make him jealous, <i>(sings)</i> "There were two jolly sailor girls from + Portsmouth town"—the little one makes eyes at me. But it's the tall + one I like, she calls me "dear Jack." Oh, she's <i>dead gone</i> on me. <i>Her + father wants me to marry her.</i> <i>(aside)</i> That's shut him up! <i>(aloud)</i> + And look here, you've got to take your hook. I'm fagged out after my + railway journey—I'm going to have a bath before <i>she</i> comes—you + know I'm a great believer in the water cure. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Takes off his frock coat and throws it down, goes to bath room, turns + on hot and cold taps in sight of audience, noise of water flowing into + bath.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Now, don't sit there looking a silly ass. <i>(shies something at her at + the last word)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Aunt sits facing audience, speechless with indignation.)</i> + </p> + <p> + You know you're not a bit like a lady, and nobody but a lunatic would take + you for one. Hurry up and get some decent togs on, and come back for me at + 7:30. Do you hear, you old joker, it's no use keeping it up— + </p> + <p> + <i>(Aunt sits motionless.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Oh, well, I can't wait, <i>(undoes his braces)</i> But look here, if you + don't clear out before <i>she</i> comes I'll break every bone in your + body. Au reservoir! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor exits into bath-room.)</i> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(crosses to table)</i> And <i>that</i> is my brother's +only child! A shameless monster, lost to all sense of decency, +and carrying on with <i>two</i> sailor girls! Horrible! But after all, +he's my nephew and I must do my duty by him. What is my duty, +I wonder? <i>(comes back and sits on sofa)</i> His father was such a +gentle soul, and to think that this brutal ruffian is his son. +</pre> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Tupper</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(looks round, sees no one, hears splashing in next room)</i> + 'E's 'avin' a bath, now's my time for a quiet smoke, <i>(picks cigarette + end oft ash tray)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(to herself)</i> Oh, my poor head! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(starts and comes to her, cigarette in mouth)</i> Summat + wrong with yer 'ead? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Go away, you horrid boy! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. The doctor'll cure it in a jiffy, take my tip, but 'e's + 'avin' a bath just now. You know he's a great believer in the water cure. + He says if we 'ad cleaner bodies we'd 'ave cleaner minds—do <i>you</i> + 'old with that? I spec he'll give <i>you</i> the water cure. I say—you + must pay for it afore you go, 'cos 'e's stoney. Goes on tick for every + think. 'Ave you got a light? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Go away! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. All right, no offence, <i>(gets match from mantelpiece)</i> + The doctor could make lots of money if he'd only try, but 'e don't. 'E + just lies on that couch all day reading books with 'orrible pictures of + people 'aving their arms and legs chopped orf, and such like. <i>(coming + round)</i> This is the wust—ain't it blood-curdling? But the lady + don't seem to mind—she looks quite calm and peaceful-like, don't + she? <i>(shows Aunt the book)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Take it away, you dreadful boy! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. All right—keep your 'air on. <i>(goes up stage)</i> + 'E's wonderful clever; you should see 'im with these 'ere knives, golly! + ain't they sharp! <i>(trying one)</i> 'E'd slice yer up as soon as look at + yer, <i>and yet</i> no patients don't come. Why's that? Do you think 'e's + too expensive—it's a pound a time. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bell rings.)</i> + </p> + <p> + I say, the proper way is to leave it in a h'envelope on this 'ere table. + Don't forget, 'cos there 'ere clothes ain't paid for yet, and if they + ain't to-day, they're a-comin' orf. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> You rude boy! Go! <i>(sits in grandfather's chair)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Well, it ain't <i>my</i> fault if 'e don't + get on! I says all I can! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Tupper</b> R. I. E. above table.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>. shown in by <b>Aurora</b>—they + don't see <b>Aunt.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. I'll tell the <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(goes towards bath-room + door)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Splashing heard.)</i> + </p> + <p> + He's very busy—but—— + </p> + <p> + <i>(Louder splashing.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Pray don't disturb him. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bell rings.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. We don't want to see him <i>just</i> yet. We'll wait + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + That stupid cabman never suspected anything. He called him "Mum." + </p> + <p> + <i>(Both laugh.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Let's bring her in now, before Jack comes in. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b>. followed by Flo.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. I'll tell the <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(goes to bath room)</i> E's + <i>very</i> busy now—but—— + </p> + <p> + <i>(Splashing heard.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(to <b>Aurora</b>)</i> Not yet—I want to speak to + these ladies first. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(backing down stage astonished, to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> Miss + Garden! What does she want to come for—and spoil our fun? + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(to Flo)</i> You said you had a headache, and were going + to lie down. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(to Flo)</i> Yes, that was only an excuse for coming to + see Jack. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> She calls him Jack! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> I must 'ear this—it's all for 'im. <i>(stays + at back, pretending to tidy)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. It was no excuse at all. I was pulling the blind down to + darken the room, when I saw you two horrid things crossing the road to + this house—when you <i>said</i> you were going shopping. That was + only an excuse to come and flirt with <i>my</i> Jack! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Oh, he's <i>her</i> Jack, is he? + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. And I followed you, though my head's splitting, for I love + him with all my heart, and I won't let <i>anyone</i> come between us. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Aurora</b> gasps.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. You brazen girl, and you're married to his greatest friend! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. I'm not! <i>(descends on <b>Ruby</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. You know you are! Pa said so! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Did he? Then he basely betrayed my husband's sacred + confidence, <i>(crosses back again)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(with sarcasm)</i> Your husband's sacred confidence! If + you're really a respectable married woman, my dear Miss Garden, instead of + coming here to slander my father, you'd better go back and lie down. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. And leave you alone with my Jack? No, thank you! What are <i>you</i>, + I'd like to know? Two horrid fast girls who ran away with two young men + only this morning, and had to be locked up. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> And <i>these</i> are my nephew's <i>friends!</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. And you picked the lock with a hairpin, and came here all + alone to flirt with my Jack! + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>Your</i> Jack? How dare you! <i>(crosses to Flo and comes + back)</i> He's my Jack! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Aurora</b> gasps again.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Oh, he's her Jack now! It gets worse and + worse! + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. To be strictly accurate, Doctor Sheppard is our Jack! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Our Jack! This is too much! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Aurora</b> gasps louder.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. What do you mean? + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. It is my father's wish that one of us should marry him. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(screams)</i> Oh, 'Evvings! They're going to marry my + Jack! <i>(coming down—falls on her knees facing audience C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Her Jack! That's four of them! They all love + Jack! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(to <b>Aurora</b>)</i> Your Jack! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(kneeling)</i> Yuss! I love Mm with a secret passion and + I don't care who knows it! <i>(rises)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> It's a perfect harem! <i>(makes her escape towards door and + Exits still unobserved.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(C.)</i> Don't you think because I'm only a servant, a + common slavey with £5 a year and a 'alf a pound o' sugar a week, that I'm + a-goin' to 'ave the <i>dear doctor</i> took from me! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. How dare you love him! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. And why not? 'Cos I wears a cap? Look 'ere! you three girls + is all settin' your caps at 'im. I'm in it too. <i>(throws down cap)</i>—and + I chucks darn the gimlet. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. You little stupid! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(crying)</i> Yuss! I know I'm a little stupid, but which + o' you would put yer 'ole soul into cleanin' 'is boots, as I does? Which + o' you would buy 'im wittles out o' yer perks as <i>I</i> does? I may be a + little stoopid, but I loves 'im more than all of yer put together, and + I'll struggle with yer, see if I don't! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(to Flo)</i> Are you going, Miss Garden, or are you not? + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. It'll make your headache much worse if you stay here. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. I shall ask the doctor to give me something to send it away, + <i>(makes herself comfortable on sofa, back to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> Isn't she a spiteful little cat! + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> Never mind, she shan't interfere + with our fun; we can't leave those two sitting in that four-wheeler all + day. <i>(rises, comes to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. No, come along, We'll go and tell "auntie" to come in. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exeunt <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> I'll make Jack explain about those girls, or + I'll break off our—our honeymoon; they talk as if he was engaged to + both of them. Now I know why he was so desperately anxious to hide me when + their father called. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Doctor.</b> in pyjamas and eccentric Turkish dressing gown, + rubbing his head with a towel—Flo doesn't see him.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Oh, Jack, jack, I never thought you'd turn out such a monster as this! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(surprised to see her)</i> Good afternoon, <i>(fumbles + for his eye-glass which is hanging down his back)</i> + </p> + <p> + What can I do for———<i>(recognizes her)</i> My darling + wife! This is a pleasant surprise. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(starting up)</i> Go away, you object! <i>(crosses R. )</i> + It's not a <i>pleasant</i> surprise, and I'm <i>not</i> your wife any + longer! I know all—oh, Jack! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Those precious jewels have said something. + Confound them! <i>(advancing to her, timidly)</i> My dear Flo, if you will + only give me time, I can explain everything! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(eagerly)</i> Oh, do, Jack, do! <i>(rushes into his arms)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(seeing Doctor and Flo together)</i> Oh, we didn't know + you were engaged. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. There's another lady wants to see you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(jealously)</i> <i>Another</i> lady? <i>(turns away)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(eagerly)</i> In hysterics? + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. No—in a four-wheeler. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. She said she'd rung twice, but couldn't make anyone hear. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <b>Tupper</b>'s never awake when the bell rings. I'll + discharge that boy—at least my <i>half</i> of him! + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. I told her I'd see if you were disengaged, and she scribbled + her name on her card; here it is. <i>(reads)</i> Miss Susannah Sheppard! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor</b> and <b>Flora</b>. Auntie! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(to Flo)</i> She mustn't see me like this—<i>(looks + at the dressing gown)</i>—and she mustn't see you <i>at all</i>, you + must fly! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(clinging to Jack, who is pale and agitated)</i> Oh, + Jack! I can't go and leave you with them, <i>(looking at <b>Ruby</b> and + <b>Pearl</b>)</i> Can't you say that I'm one of your patients? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Good idea, how clever of you. Get back there, <i>(on + operating couch)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. Oh, what fun! Let's all be patients! <i>(nudges <b>Pearl</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b> sit down and pretend to be suffering.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(to girls)</i> All right! All be patients. It'll impress + auntie, <i>(takes off dressing-gown and flings it into bathroom, is just + going in—stops)</i> No! No time to change, <i>(snatches his frock + coat off chair, and buttons it over his pyjamas)</i> Remember! This is the + supreme moment of my life. Whatever I say to you—whatever I <i>do</i> + to you—you mustn't mind. + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>. We won't, <i>(stifling a laugh)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Hush! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Andrew</b> dressed as Aunt, followed by <b>Waverly.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(to <b>Andrew</b>)</i> My dear aunt, I'm so glad to see you. Won't you + sit down? <i>(leads him down to sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> runs to Waverly, and drags him down O. P. corner.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Come and sit here! Pretend to be a patient! <b>Waver.</b> + Why? + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Pearl</b> explains in dumb show.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(at settee to <b>Andrew</b>)</i> I must apologize for + this worn-out attire—I'm always worn out on Friday, my worst day. I + wish you'd come <i>any other day</i>. No! I don't mean that! I mean I'm + awfully glad you've come to-day, but I'm awfully sorry I'm so busy I can't + talk to you. No, no! I don't mean that! I mean I'm awfully glad, of + course, that I'm so busy I can't talk to you! No, no, of course I don't + mean that—I mean—I don't quite know what I do mean. You see + it's Friday—oh! what a fool she must think me! Will you excuse me + just two minutes while I settle off a few patients? + </p> + <p> + <i>(Trio 1st laugh—Doctor crosses quickly to them.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(aside to them, softly)</i> Don't laugh at her! and don't look so + beastly healthy! Look pale! Faint! Do <i>something!</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bus.—<b>Ruby</b> makes a sling for her arm out of her + handkerchief.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(crosses quickly back to Aunt)</i> I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, my + dear aunt; won't you amuse yourself with a book or something? <i>(goes to + couch at back, fetches "Quayle on Muscles," comes back quickly to Aunt, + opens it)</i> Here you are. <i>(shuts it quickly and shies it down, aside)</i> + What <i>do</i> ladies read? + </p> + <p> + <i>(Crosses quickly to <b>Pearl</b>. who is reading "Pink 'Un," snatches + it from her.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Thank you very much, <i>(crosses quickly to Aunt)</i> Here you are, aunt, + this is a lady's paper! <i>(gives it to her and runs to Flo at back—aside + anxiously)</i> I'll explain everything when they've gone! <i>(loudly, + holding her hand)</i> Ah! your nerves are run down a little, <i>(goes to + medicine chest)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Trio 2nd laugh.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Confound those <b>Plant</b> girls—I'll pay them out! <i>(flings roll + of lint at <b>Pearl</b>. then pours sal volatile from bottle into + measuring glass, then into tumbler, adds a little water—to Flo)</i> + There! drink that! You'll soon be better. + </p> + <p> + <i>(During this Bus. <b>Pearl</b> picks up roll of lint, puts a bandage + round Waverly's face—<b>Ruby</b> steals across stage and kisses <b>Andrew</b>—Doctor + turns round just after.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(C., confused, comes to table)</i> Could you take my case + next, doctor? I'm so bad! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> You are. <i>(Bus.—with stethoscope)</i> I mean—with + pleasure! I'll write you a prescription, <i>(writes)</i> I should advise a + long voyage with a merry companion. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Andrew</b> shakes his fist at Doctor unobserved by him.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Better start at once, <i>(hands her prescription, saying aside)</i> Go! <i>(rings + bell on table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Tupper</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Show this lady to her carriage, <b>Tupper</b>. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Ruby</b> doesn't move from table.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(aside)</i> Go! Go! What are you waiting for? + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(aside to him, stifling a laugh)</i> My sister, of course. + I'm not going to leave her here, <i>(crosses C., then on to <b>Andrew</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Pray don't. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor rushes at <b>Pearl</b>. who is hobbling across stage on + Waverly's walking stick and takes stick from her.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(aside)</i> Do you want to give me away to my aunt? + </p> + <p> + <i>(then loudly)</i> I'll write to your school mistress about you. I think + a little physical treatment <i>locally applied</i> <i>(brandishing stick)</i> + will put you right very soon. Good afternoon, <i>(aside)</i> Go! Go! <i>both</i> + of you! <i>(rings bell)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Re-enter <b>Tupper</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + More carriages for this lady, <b>Tupper</b>. <i>(to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> You + needn't wait, little girl. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. I shall wait for Mr. Vane; and I won't be called a little + girl! <i>(goes to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bell rings.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(getting desperate)</i> Shall I never get rid of 'em! <i>(rushes + at Vane and grips him by the arm)</i> I'll take you next, sir. <i>(loudly)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Waverly laughs.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Stop that infernal laughing. I know my aunt will see through it soon, <i>(punches + him on back)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Waverly cries out.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Ah, it's still there! <i>(loudly)</i> That'll have to come out! <i>(punches + him harder)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Waverly cries louder.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Yes! <i>(severely)</i> We must remove that at once. Step into my operating + room. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Drags him oft to bath-room—opens door, turns on taps and leaves + them running. Waverly runs back to his chair, Doctor runs back after him.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Come along, now—be a man! <b>Waver.</b> Not to-day, thank you all + the same. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter Aunt, shown in by <b>Tupper</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(C.)</i> I'll give him <i>one last chance</i>. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(seeing her—rushes at her—aside to her)</i> + Take 'em off, you fool! She's come! Take 'em off, I say, or I'll take 'em + off for you! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Andrew</b> starts up and takes his bonnet and wig off.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(calls loudly)</i> Jack! Jack! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor far too preoccupied to hear him, pushes Aunt into bath-room—she + falls head foremost into bath, her heels go up—loud splash. Doctor + bangs door, turns round, sees <b>Andrew</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aghast)</i> Merry <b>Andrew</b>!!! + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Yes, Dull Boy! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Then who's in here? <i>(opens door)</i> + </p> + <p> + TABLEAU. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Flo rushes into bath-room and shuts door quickly.)</i> + </p> + <p> + CURTAIN. <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:80%"> + <img alt="act3 (121K)" src="images/act3.jpg" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + ACT III. + </h2> + <h3> + Scene.—The same as Acts I and II. + </h3> + <p> + <i>(Doctor discovered alone, in frock coat and pyjama trousers, and just + going to knock at bath-room door.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(hand up, listening)</i> I must apologize to her! No, I + simply daren't, <i>(comes down C.)</i> It was such an awful thing to do, + I'll—I'll wait till Flo comes out to—to tell me how she is. <i>(listens)</i> + No, I can't. I know! I'll go to her in my professional capacity! <i>(puts + on high hat, and does to door, just going to knock, looks at pyjamas)</i> + I can't go in these. Where are my trousers? <i>(looks round)</i> Of + course, in there! <i>(points to bathroom)</i> I know! I'll go to ask for + my trousers! <i>(same Bus.—about to knock)</i> No that's a silly + idea! I'm losing my wits, <i>(comes down C. and sits at writing table)</i> + Suppose something happens to her? There'll be an inquest, and it'll be all + in the papers: "Brutal Conduct of a West End <b>Doctor.</b>." Oh, my cup + of misery is full! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b> with telegram.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(to Doctor)</i> Here you are, doctor—a telegram + for you, sir. We are busy to-day! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(opens telegram, starts, aside)</i> From my + father-in-law. <i>(reads to himself)</i> "Have learnt from local registrar + your cowardly conduct in eloping with my daughter—am on my way to + London to horsewhip you." + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(cheerily)</i> Any answer, sir? <i>(C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(gloomily)</i> No! It's nothing—only an + appointment—I shan't keep it. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Don't look so sad, sir. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Music upstairs heard off, some appropriate music-hall tune.)</i> + </p> + <p> + You go h'upstairs to the tea-fight. 'Ere's yer invite. <i>(takes card off + mantel)</i> There's plenty to eat and drink and nothin' to pay; you done + quite enough work for one day, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Quite! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bath-room bell rings.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(mystified)</i> That's your bath-room bell a-ringing, + sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(funereally)</i> Yes! Answer it. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(hesitating)</i> Who's inside, sir? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Two ladies. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Two of 'em—oh, doctor! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter Flo, from bath-room, with bundle of Aunt's clothes, dripping + wet.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(penitently)</i> My dear Flo, let me help you! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(indignantly to Doctor)</i> Don't touch me! I wonder you + aren't ashamed to. This is your work! <i>(crosses to <b>Aurora</b> + quietly)</i> Take these, and dry them as quickly as possible! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Flo! My darling, won't you give me one word? + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Brute! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit Flo. into bathroom, banging door after her.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Got it! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh, sir, what 'ave you been a-doin' of? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Don't ask silly questions. Do as you're told. I don't know + what it is, but do it! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> If the missus sees these she'll turn the + dear doctor into the street. I know she will! But she shan't see 'em, if I + can 'elp it. <i>(hugs them closely)</i> It's all for 'im! Oh, ain't they + wet, but they can't squelch the flame that's burnin' 'ere for the dear + doctor. <i>(coming down)</i> I must tell him, I must! <i>(throws wet + clothes down on stage)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. <i>(heard off)</i> H'<b>Aurora</b>! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Yus, mum! <i>(hides clothes behind her)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Mrs. O'Hara.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. 'Ow dare you wait on lodgers as can't pay their rint? <i>(by + sofa)</i> Go h'upstairs and wait on my lady friends. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(leans on back of sofa, to Doctor)</i> Pardon me for callin' when + you're so busy, <i>(with sarcasm)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(absent-minded)</i> Don't mention it. Won't you sit + down? Now, what can I—oh, it's the landlady! + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. Quite a <i>stream</i> of patients! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(absently)</i> Oh, yes! Flowing in—simply flowing + in! + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. I'm glad to 'ear it. If a man can't h'earn a honest + livin' at your time of life, 'e may as lief—<i>(hiccough)</i>—drown + 'isself. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> "Drown"—the water-cure—<i>my</i> + cure! + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. I needn't remind you as it's Lady Day. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(picking up pile of bills)</i> No, I've been reminded, + but I'm afraid I must trouble you to wait. + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. <i>Ho, of course!</i> The pore lone widder must always + wait. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> I wish the lone widder would go to the devil! + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. As I was just remargin' to Widder Smith, as is honnering + my party h'upstairs— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(rising)</i> Don't let me keep you from your friends, <i>(half + rising)</i> They'll be getting impatient. + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. <i>(rising)</i> H'impatient indeed. <i>(crosses C.)</i> + Their company manners is just as good as <i>your</i> friends, <i>I'll</i> + warrant. Which reminds me that Widder Smith 'as met you in <i>(hiccough)</i> + in sassiety. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(absently)</i> Widow Smith? <i>(shakes his head)</i> + Never heard her name. + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. Ho! of course not! <i>(comes to him)</i> You'll say next + you never gave her a bath—<i>(hiccoughs)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(rises, astonished)</i> Gave her a bath? + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. <i>(very indignant)</i> A bath bun—I was a-goin' to + say, and a cup o' coffee, at the Penny Reading—<i>(crosses C. again)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(smiling grimly)</i> Oh, I remember that Penny Reading—I + gave a comic recitation—it <i>was</i> funny! <i>(sits again)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. Fairly so, she says, 'for a hamatoor. Somethin' about the + water-cure, wasn't it? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(writhing)</i> I believe it was. <i>(aside)</i> The + water-cure! It's fate! + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. Well, out o' charity to a pore lodger as can't pay 'is + rent, I'm goin' to take yer h'upstairs to to say that there recitltation + to my lady friends. Come along! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(rising)</i> No, no, I'm not in a funny humour! + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. Ho! but I'm going to take 'arf a crown off the rint-book + for yer doin' of it—ap come along! <i>(drags him)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> No, no—I really can't—I've had a terribly busy + day and I'm too—tired! + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. Too proud, you mean. But, mark my word, if you don't come + h'up— + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside, absently)</i> I <i>shall</i> come <i>h'up</i> + three times. + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. Your pride'll 'ave a fall, and a very 'umblin' fall! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Mrs. O'Hara</b>, with dignity.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(alone)</i> I wonder if the fall from the Albert + Suspension is worse than Waterloo Bridge? <i>(sits looking miserable)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b>. looking more miserable.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> It's now or never. I must tell 'im, I must. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> I wonder if I ought to keep that appointment + with my father-in-law first. No! I'll spare him the trouble. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Now, when I come to think of it, there's not + only them three girls settin' their frills at 'im, but there's the lady + without any clothes in there, <i>(points to bathroom)</i> That's four of + 'em, but I'll struggle with the lot. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> I'll go now. <i>(rises)</i> Oh, I do feel so + nervous, <i>(pours out whiskey, going to add water)</i> N—no! I + shall get enough water afterwards, <i>(drinks)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> I'll be 'is patient! They all do it that + way. I've learnt the symptoms off the letter, I'll see if I know 'em. <i>(repeats + them to herself with action)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Courage, courage! <i>(strikes his chest, + going)</i> No, I can't go in these! <i>(looks at pyjamas)</i> I can't + drown myself in pyjamas, and I've left my only trousers in there, and I + can't get 'em—how—how very annoying, <i>(sits again, much + relieved)</i> I can't drown myself. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(standing C. end of sofa, leaning head on cushion)</i> + Ho, sir, I do feel queer. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(looking round)</i> What's the matter? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. I'ye got all sorts of normal fancies, an'— longin's—hawful + longin's, sir—I think I'm longin' to drown myself. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(suddenly)</i> Don't say that! I'm surprised at you—don't + you know it's only cowards who want to drown themselves. Come now, sit + down! What's the trouble, eh? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(vacantly)</i> The trouble, sir? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> What can I <i>do</i> for you? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. I dunno, sir, what <i>can</i> you do for me? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> No, you don't understand. What are your symptoms? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(effusively)</i> Oh!! My symptoms, sir? <i>(aside)</i> I + know 'em all by 'eart! <i>(whispers in his ear)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Most extraordinary! I've heard of a case exactly like that. + Whose was it? <i>(sees letter on table)</i> Of course! The lady in + Grosvenor Road. My only patient, and I'd forgotten her! I must pull myself + together. I've got my work to do—my work, <i>(picks up aunt's + letter)</i> "The noble work of alleviating human suffering!" Ah, that's + what she said—before she had a bath—<i>(looks at bathroom, + sighs. To <b>Aurora</b>)</i> <b>Aurora</b>. your case is deeply + interesting. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh, thank you, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> It's complicated. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. It's 'oo, sir? <i>(crosses C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> It's complicated! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh, it is <i>that</i>, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> Now tell me. <i>(Bus. with scribbling block)</i> Do you + suffer from your heart? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Oh, don't sir. <i>(simpers)</i> My 'eart, oh, don't I just! + You 'ark at it, sir! <i>(rushes at him, jumps on his knee, and presses his + head to her heart)</i> It goes bumpity-bump, and it's all for you, sir, + all for you. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter Flo. from bathroom.)</i> + </p> + <p> + I loves yer! <i>(wildly)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Flo. shrieks, and enter Aunt quickly from bathroom in Doctor's Turkish + bath-towel dressing gown, and wearing his Turkish smoking-cap and bedroom + slippers.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(severely)</i> What does this mean? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(looking at Aunt)</i> What is it? I shall go off into + highstrikes in a minute, I know I shall. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(more severely)</i> Answer me, sir, what does this mean? + <i>(crosses to sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Aurora</b> goes off into hysterics lying on sofa.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(looking at <b>Aurora</b>)</i> I—I don't quite + know. I think it's some form of hysteria, <i>(bending over her)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(suddenly recovering and sitting up)</i> It's a + complicated case, mum. <i>(laughs and falls back)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(to <b>Aurora</b>)</i> Hold your tongue! <i>(to Doctor)</i> + coward! to try to sneak out of it like that! I've done with you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(bursting into tears)</i> So have I! <i>(crosses C. to + meet Aunt)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Don't cry, dear—he's not worth it. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(quickly)</i> Oh, but he is—that's the worst of it. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> I'll save this sweet girl from him, my way. <i>(to + Flo.)</i> Go in there, dear, while I talk to him. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit Flo. into bathroom.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(behind Doctor)</i> Buck up, sir—I'll stand by + yer. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Aunt descends upon him, he backs into <b>Aurora</b>. Bus. [ad lib.])</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> So, sir, you're not satisfied with your outrageous treatment + of me—your loving aunt, who came to London to be your best friend—<i>(C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> If you'll only give me—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Hold your tongue sir, I won't give you anything <i>(L. C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Give 'im a chance, mum, that don't cost nothin'—<i>(end + of sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Silence, the pair of you! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(taking Doctor's arm—looks up at him lovingly)</i> + "The pair of us!" + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> You shameless Don Juan; you've bragged to me about your + goings on with two sailor girls—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. 'Tain't 'is fault, mum, they will kiss 'im! <i>(c.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Silence! You're breaking the heart of that dear girl in + there, <i>(pointing to bathroom)</i> Who's worth a hundred such creatures + as <i>you</i>—a murderer who tried to drown his own aunt! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Drown yer! Why, the dear doctor wouldn't drown a kitten, + and you ain't no kitten, 'Amlet! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(furious)</i> And to crown all—I find you in the + arms of this—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. This! Who are you callin' "this?" + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> A disreputable Pimlico lodging-house kitchen girl! <i>(crosses + R. and back again)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. 'Ere! Cheese it! I may be a kitchen girl, but I ain't + disreputable! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(very furious)</i> There's only one thing left for you to + do, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>I</i> know—the water cure! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> You shall marry this girl, sir. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(in a dream)</i> Marry the dear doctor! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(aghast)</i> Marry—<b>Aurora</b>! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Aurora</b> turns away delighted.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(aside)</i> I'd rather drown myself! <i>(crosses R. corner)</i> <b>Aunt.</b> + Yes, and I'll make you do it. <i>(with scorn)</i> + </p> + <p> + She's a fit—- + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b> <i>(surprised—kneels)</i> Oh, thank you for those + blessed words, mum! You darlin' lady! I'll go and see to your clothes now, + auntie! <i>(going, comes back)</i> Kiss me, Jack! Kiss your Financy! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor leans with his back to table—<b>Aurora</b> climbs up on + table and kisses him.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(aside)</i> I'm a lady at larst!' + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Aurora</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Who's that poor girl in there? <i>(pointing to bathroom)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(absently)</i> Oh, that is Miss Garden. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(seating herself end of sofa, and putting rug over her, + aside)</i> She shall come and live with me! I know what it is to have + loved a worthless man! <i>(looks severely at Doctor)</i> I pity her! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(very timidly)</i> Aunt, may I explain? I'm not——<i>(crosses + to sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(loudly)</i> Silence, sir! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Plant</b> with bag, hurriedly, shown in by <b>Tupper</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(not seeing Aunt, meets Doctor going towards door)</i> + Bear up, Jack, I've bad news for you—Miss Garden's bolted—gone + back to her husband, I'm afraid. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Her husband? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(staggered, recovers himself)</i> My dear Miss Sheppard! + <i>(aside to Doctor)</i> What's the matter with her? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> I don't know—complicated case. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Ahem! So this joyful meeting between aunt and nephew has + taken place—how I wish I'd been here to witness it—and my + daughters, too. <i>(to Aunt)</i> They're devoted to dear Jack. Ah, I'm + afraid the rascal means to rob me of one of my precious jewels. He's a + gray dog! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor looks anything out gay.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> The sailor girls. They're his daughters! <i>(cross + to fireplace)</i> Ugh! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside to Doctor)</i> Is the old girl ill? What's up? + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor is silent.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Ah, but he'll be a great physician—ahem—some day. <i>(aside to + Doctor)</i> When the daisies are growing over auntie, eh? <i>(end of sofa)</i> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(severely)</i> John! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor doesn't move.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(same tone)</i> John! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor turns.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> John, leave us! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor rises as if in a dream, shakes hands with <b>Plant</b> at end + of sofa, and goes towards bathroom where Flo. went out.)</i> + </p> + <p> + John! + </p> + <p> + <i>(He turns.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Not <i>that</i> way, sir! <i>(points door R. I. E.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor exits below R. I. E.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> He's upset her, somehow—I wonder how? + Ah, well, I must pour oil on the troubled waters. <i>(to Aunt)</i> A + Wonderful character—er—John. I congratulate you on having such + a nephew—he combines all the tenderness of a woman with the more + muscular qualities of a man. Did I tell you the story of his kindness to + the milkman's baby? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(loudly)</i> Bother the milkman's baby! <i>(sits sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Certainly—er—bother the milkman's baby. <i>(aside)</i> + She's strangely cross to-day. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> I told you to draw up a deed settling a thousand a year on my + nephew. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(producing it blandly—Bus.—bag C. table)</i> + And I have consumed the midnight oil to complete it. + </p> + <p> + <i>(He hands it to her, over back of sofa, she pitches it into the fire—he + tries to snatch it out.)</i> + </p> + <p> + My dear lady, that document's worth a lot of money! <i>(rushes round sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Let it alone! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> It's all off! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Aunt is poking vigorously, she hits <b>Plant</b> on purpose——)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(hops away, rubbing his leg)</i> I'm in a damned awkward corner. My + dear Miss Sheppard, I fail to comprehend the meaning of your action. If + ever there was a gentleman Sheppard it's your dear nephew. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Tell that to the—the—milkman's baby. I could tell + you a story of my nephew that would freeze your blood, <i>(gesticulates + with poker)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. You astound me—any insanity in the family? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(L. C, rising indignantly)</i> Mr. <b>Plant</b>! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. No, no, of course not—I beg pardon—<i>(sees she + is wearing Doctor's bath-towel dressing gown—-aside)</i> By George! + it looks like it, though! What has happened? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Who's Miss Garden's husband? <i>(back to fireplace)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(R. C, aside)</i> Ahem! I must make a bit out of this, + anyway. My dear lady, I mustn't betray a professional confidence, by + mentioning his name, <i>(aside)</i> Even if I knew it, which I don't, <i>(to + her)</i> But, strictly between ourselves, he's Jack's greatest friend. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> She's married to Jack's greatest friend? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Yes—a lieutenant in the navy. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Disgraceful! <i>(crosses to table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Yes, <i>(at sofa)</i> I mustn't say more, <i>(aside)</i> + Don't know any more, <i>(to her)</i> You see, she's a client of mine—of + course I shall try and save Jack from the Divorce Court, but it's gone + rather far, and these things cost money, you know. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> What do you mean? <i>(end of sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Only this afternoon I found her concealed on that couch—beneath + that very rug you're now wearing— + </p> + <p> + <i>(Bus.—Aunt flings it off.)</i> + </p> + <p> + —and; when I remonstrated with Jack—as a father—<i>(end + of sofa)</i> he actually tried to pass her off as an Anatomical model. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(at table, back to fire)</i> Then, why do you call him a + 'Gentle Sheppard?' Every word you say only makes it worse. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Ahem! I've gone too far! <i>(crosses to R.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Bad as he is, I shall do my duty by him—I'm going to + find him a wife. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. I'm afraid he can't support a wife—yet. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> I shall settle an income on her—she'll take better care + of it. <i>(crosses to sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b> <i>(aside)</i> It's all on again, <i>(to her, crosses to + table C.)</i> A noble resolve, <i>(gets out pocket-book)</i> Shall I take + your instructions now? How much shall I say? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Not yet. <i>(crosses C.)</i> I want you to send your + daughters to me. <i>(crosses to sofa, puts sofa cushions behind her head. + Only the Doctor's cap is visible to anyone entering room)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. With pleasure! <i>(aside, putting up pocketbook)</i> I've + done the trick, <i>(to her)</i> Two dear girls, who have never caused me a + moment's uneasiness all their blameless lives. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter Mrs. O'Hara, sees fez, and naturally takes Aunt for <b>Doctor.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. Now, then, <b>Doctor.</b> me an' my friends are all + waitin' upstairs to 'ear the funny story. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. What funny story? + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. About the Lady and the Water Cure. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> The Lady and the Water Cure? That's me. <i>(jumping + up)</i> I forbid Doctor Sheppard to tell that story! + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. <i>(seeing her for the first time)</i> And who are you + when you're at home? I took you for the doctor. 'Ow dare you come to my + 'ouse, dressed in that indecent way? <i>(crosses C.)</i> We're respectable + in Marmalade Street—I'm ashamed of my lodger for lettin' you in—'e + just shall tell that story now, or pay 'is rint. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> There is my lawyer—he'll pay your rent. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Certainly. Come with me, old fireworks! + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. Thank you, sir—you're a gentleman! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exeunt <b>Plant</b> and <b>Mrs. O'Hara.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(alone C.)</i> Actually going to make fun of me before a + lot of vulgar people to get out of paying his, rent, is there anything he + won't do? <i>(sits in grand-father's chair)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Andrew</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(seeing Aunt's cap, mistakes her for the Doctor)</i> I + say, Dull Boy, where is she? Still in the bath? <i>(roars)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Aunt does not move.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(aside, Bus. fills pipe, etc.)</i> He's got the hump! Poor Jack! I say, + I'm awfully sorry I've got you into such a deuce of a scrape, but you know + you distinctly said the old lady wasn't coming till to-morrow. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Old lady! + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. And to-night we said we'd have one jolly good caper for the + last. Now, did we say so, or did we not? <i>(pause)</i> You won't speak to + me? Well, I dare-say I deserve it, and I'm awfully sorry, but you know if + I'd had the slightest notion she'd turn up to-day, I'd never have dressed + up like that picture. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Like what picture? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. But, by George, it was a lark when the old girl came, and + you thought she was me dressed up—and you—oh, lor! <i>(laughs)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> I begin to understand! <i>(smiles at audience)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(up stage)</i> Oh, don't be so beastly serious, there's + no harm done. I'll put matters right with your aunt—you say she's an + awfully good sort, and a sailor can always get the soft side of a lady—so + come! Give us your hand and say you forgive. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Pause—Aunt doesn't move.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Oh, come on! <i>(digs her in the ribs)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(jumping up)</i> Sir! + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(staggered)</i> Oh, Susannah! <i>(R. C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Sir! + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. I didn't mean you—I always say that—I mean—I'm + most awfully sorry—can you forgive me? <i>(end of sofa)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> I can and do, because I'm so delighted to find that I've + misjudged Jack, and that you were the real culprit. Pray tell me to whom I + am indebted for the unexpected pleasure of my bath? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. My name's <b>Andrew</b> Merry, I'm Jack's greatest friend. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> His greatest friend? Are you a lieutenant in the navy? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. I have that honor. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> What shall I do? I have it. <i>(crosses to bathroom)</i> I've + a great surprise for you—but you must not think any the worse of her—she's + here with me—<i>(opens bathroom door)</i> Come in, my dear. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter Flo.)</i> + </p> + <p> + There! <i>(points to <b>Andrew</b>)</i> Kiss him and make it up! + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Oh, Susannah! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. <i>(C. aghast)</i> Kiss him? I've never seen this gentleman + before. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> Mr. <b>Plant</b> told me you were man and wife. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. Mr. <b>Plant</b> would say anything horrid! + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Oh, thanks! + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. He wants one of his daughters to marry Jack. + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Does he? Well, <b>Ruby</b>'s engaged to me, and <b>Pearl</b>—well, + don't worry about her, and as for dear old Jack, he's only cared for one + girl all his life. I've never seen her yet—but he's told me more + than once that her name was <b>Flora</b> Garden. + </p> + <p> + <b>Flora</b>. I'll never be jealous again! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(aside)</i> Jack's not so bad after all! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Andrew</b> crosses r. of table. Enter <b>Aurora</b> dressed very + grandly and eccentrically, orange blossoms in her hair and wearing her + diamond paste combs—she carries a bundle of clothes.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(to Aunt, affectionately)</i> 'Ere you are, mum, 'ere's + your clothes—auntie! <i>(hands clothes to Aunt)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Flo. takes them and exits into bathroom.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(calls after her)</i> 'Ere, they won't fit you! 'Ow can I thank you? + You done it all, mum. The dear doctor's never give me the slightest + encouragement of a word or a look. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(with blank astonishment)</i> He never has? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. No, mum. It was all a one side, and I should never 'ave + 'ooked him if you 'adn't said the word. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> I breathe again, <i>(aside)</i> Jack's a perfect angel, <i>(to + Aurora)</i> I'll see you again, my good girl, before I go. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit Aunt into bathroom.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. I 'ope we shall see you h'often when were married. You'll + always be welcome. She don't know what she's done for 'im. <i>(at sofa + side)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. I think it's about time I met my future father-in-law—I + shall have two or three things to say to him. + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Aurora</b> sits on couch and puts her feet up. <b>Andrew</b> sits + in Doctor's chair. Enter Waverly, shown in by <b>Tupper</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Waverly.</b> Where's Doctor Sheppard? <i>(L. C.)</i> <b>Andrew</b>. + Out. I'm waiting to tell him the good news—I say, such a lark! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Waverly sits on table.)</i> + </p> + <p> + I've told auntie all about the bath business by mistake. + </p> + <p> + <b>Waverly.</b> By mistake? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Yes, I took her for Jack. + </p> + <p> + <b>Waverly.</b> How could you? + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. She'd got his things on. + </p> + <p> + <b>Waverly.</b> <i>(putting his hand over his face)</i> Oh, Susannah! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter Doctor R. I. E., sees <b>Aurora</b> on sofa, and rushes off + again, yowling.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. <i>(to Waverly, neither having seen <b>Aurora</b> on sofa)</i> + Has he got 'em? Come on, we must tell him the good news. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exeunt <b>Andrew</b> and Waverly after Doctor R. I. E.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(alone, fondly)</i> My love! Ain't he coy? I like a + bashful lover. It's so gentlemanly, <i>(sits at writing-table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Tupper</b> excitedly.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Please, sir—<i>(sees <b>Aurora</b>. laughs)</i> Well, + you do look a guy! 'Oiler, boys, 'oiler, 'ere's another guy! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. You don't know who you're talking to. I shall be your + missus soon—I'm going to marry the dear doctor! + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. Oh, don't say that, <b>Aurora</b>! <i>(cries)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Ah, you ain't the only one as'll cry when they 'ear the + news. There's the butcher and the baker and my cousin, in the h'E + division, he'll bust! Poor little <b>Tupper</b>, don't cry. Look 'ere, you + shall come and kiss me in the vestry, after it's all over—that's + more than I'll let the butcher do. Buck up, it'll soon be over— + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b> <i>(drying eyes)</i> Oh, I forgot, there's a servant come + from Grosvenor Road. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Tell 'er to wait. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. But she says the lady's going to have a fit! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Tell 'er to wait, we are not to be disturbed. + </p> + <p> + <b>Tupper</b>. All right! <i>(aside)</i> Oh, ain't she lovely! She looks + like an 'eavenly h'angel, now I've lorst 'er for h'ever! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exit <b>Tupper</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(picks up letter)</i> I'll see to her case myself. It + wants a woman in the case. <i>(Bus.)</i> I'll work this business different + when I'm boss. I'll get 'im a lot of patients. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Plant</b>. <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>.)</i> + </p> + <p> + What! Back again! These visits'll 'ave to be paid for. We don't give + nothing away heah! <i>(writes on scribbling block)</i> To three + consul'ations in one day at a pound a time—and there's three of yer, + three three's—that's eleven—kindly part up! <i>(knocks on + table)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. My good girl, this is not a professional visit We've come to + see Miss Sheppard. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(with dignity, sitting at writing table)</i> Well, you + can't. Auntie's changing 'er clothes—'as she told yer the news? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. What news? + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Ruby</b> signals to <b>Pearl</b> behind <b>Plant</b>'s back.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(haughtily)</i> A mere trifle! There's goin' to be a + weddin' from 'ere very soon. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. A wedding? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(to <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>. rubbing his hands, + ready to take <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b> over R.)</i> What did I tell + you? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. The dear doctor's the 'appy man! + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. And who is—the lady? + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Ah, how embarrassing! No, you must ask auntie, she'll tell + yer. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(to girls)</i> I told you Miss Sheppard wanted to see you + both, <i>(takes girls R. corner)</i> She's going to choose between you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Hadn't Jack better do that? <i>(nudging <b>Ruby</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. There's not time! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Mrs. O'Hara</b> calling off,)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. <i>(off)</i> H'<b>Aurora</b>! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(putting her hair back)</i> Thank goodness, I shan't be + at this low game much longer! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Mrs. O'Hara.</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Mrs. O'H</b>. 'Ow dare you dress grander than your missus? Take 'em + off, at once, and put on yer cap, then get along h'upstairs and wait on my + lady friends. <i>(slaps her shoulder)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Oh, when I 'ave servants of my own, won't I + give 'em O'Hara! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Exeunt <b>Aurora</b> and <b>Mrs. O'Hara</b> L. U. E.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Doctor.</b> <b>Andrew</b> and Waverly R. I. E.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Yes, there is time, just time. My dear Jack, there's not a + moment to lose, <i>(takes him to fireplace)</i> The Old girl has cut you + off without a penny. + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor falls into his arms.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Don't give way! <i>(holds him up)</i> There's still hope. My daughters + love you— + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor falls in a heap on the stage.)</i> + </p> + <p> + —and will marry you without a penny. + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(sitting on stage)</i> Both of 'em! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. No, sir, either of 'em. You've only to choose and your aunt + will forgive you everything—I've arranged it all! Which is it to be? + Quick—your answer! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(pointing to the two couples)</i> There's your answer. + </p> + <p> + TABLEAU. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(seeing Waverly and <b>Andrew</b> for the first time)</i> + What the devil's up now? Those dear girls have never given me a moment's + peace in all their blessed lives! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Doctor at table C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(comes down)</i> Papa, see what Mr. Vane's given me. <i>(shows + him <b>Pearl</b> necklace)</i> Precious <b>Pearl</b>s! Isn't that + appropriate? I think Mr. Vane has something to say to you. <i>(pushes him + forward)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>(Waverly is silent.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Don't speak, sir—I know what you're going to say. + </p> + <p> + <b>Waverly.</b> I'm hanged if he does! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(pockets necklace)</i> No man shall rob me of my precious + jewel, <i>(hugs <b>Pearl</b>)</i> whoever he is. <i>(aside to <b>Pearl</b>)</i> + who is he? <i>(passes her over to R.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. <i>(aside to <b>Plant</b>)</i> His father's an earl—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> An earl! <i>(to Waverly, putting out his + hand)</i> My dear sir, forgive me—a father's feelings—<i>(sobs)</i> + You must give me time—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Waverly.</b> Certainly! There's—there's no hurry! <i>(crosses L. + to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(bringing <b>Andrew</b> down)</i> Pa, this is—<b>Andrew</b>! + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Mr. <b>Plant</b>—I—— + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Don't speak, sir—I know what you're going to say! + </p> + <p> + <b>Andrew</b>. Does he? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(taking <b>Ruby</b> in his other arm, and hugging the two + girls closely)</i> Another thief—after my precious Jewels! <i>(aside + to <b>Ruby</b>)</i> Has he got any money? + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(aside to <b>Plant</b>)</i> Lots! + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(aside)</i> Good! <i>(aloud)</i> You're breaking my + heart, gentlemen, but I mustn't be selfish. Take my precious jewels—and + wear them! I wonder if it would run to a dinner? <i>(counts his money)</i> + No! a lunch! Come to lunch to-morrow, both of you. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(off)</i> Jack! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter <b>Aurora</b>. Doctor sees her, and ducks behind curtains C. + hiding from her; she crosses to door R. I. E., and taps gently—no + answer.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Jack! Where's my Jack? + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(looking at <b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b>)</i> Ah, two + dear girls who have never caused me a moment's uneasiness all their + blameless lives. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Ho! then it's all to come, for they told me as their pa 'ad + set 'is 'eart on their marrying the dear doctor. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. How dare you! My daughters are Doctor Sheppard's cousins, + and nothing would induce me to sanction a marriage between cousins, <i>(going + to her)</i> You're a very naughty little girl. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(haughtily, seating herself and spreading her frock out)</i> + Little girl! Pardon me, my good man—do you know who you're talking + to? You don't know: my position in this 'ouse. I'm auntie's choice. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. Are you? You're not <i>mine!</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. Yes! She's chosen me to marry the dear doctor! + </p> + <p> + <i>(<b>Ruby</b> and <b>Pearl</b> laugh.)</i> + </p> + <p> + Let them laugh as wins. You tried your best, but I don't bear no + h'ill-will. I said I'd struggle with yer, and I've done it. If you're good + girls, I may ask you to be bridesmaids—it's better than nothing, <i>(crosses + L. C.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. <i>(to Doctor under table)</i> I say, Jack, is this true? + You have my deepest sympathy—and if it should come to a breach of + promise—look me up! + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(coming out)</i> If ever I do look you and your precious + jewels up, I'll bring a stick twice as big as yours. + </p> + <p> + <b>Plant</b>. And that is gratitude! + </p> + <p> + <i>(Enter Flo. and Aunt—they listen.)</i> + </p> + <p> + <b>Ruby</b>. <i>(hotly)</i> I don't care <i>who</i> marries Jack! + </p> + <p> + <b>Pearl</b>. Nor I—he's not <i>my</i> style! + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(to Doctor)</i> This dear girl has told me all about you—forgive + me for my mistakes, but they weren't all my fault—<i>(shaking her + finger at <b>Andrew</b>)</i> I hope you'll have a very happy married life. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(crossing)</i> I'm sure 'e will. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aunt.</b> <i>(to Doctor)</i> I shall do all I can to make it so. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>(coming to her)</i> Oh, thank you, mum, and would you + please name the day? + </p> + <p> + <b>Doctor.</b> <i>(absently)</i> My wife! <i>(sees <b>Aurora</b>. shakes + her off)</i> Oh, go to! go to—<i>(goes to <b>Flora</b>)</i> <i>This</i> + lady is my wife—we were married this morning. + </p> + <p> + <b>Aurora</b>. <i>My Jack married!</i> Then I'm a widder! + </p> + <p> + <i>(She falls flat on the stage.)</i> + </p> + <p> + CURTAIN. <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Oh! 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