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+Project Gutenberg's Comic History of the United States, by Bill Nye
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Comic History of the United States
+
+Author: Bill Nye
+
+Illustrator: F. Opper
+
+Release Date: May 13, 2007 [EBook #21427]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMIC HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Joseph R. Hauser, Janet Blenkinship and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  Bill Nye's
+
+  HISTORY
+  OF THE
+  UNITED
+  STATES
+
+
+  ILLUSTRATED BY
+
+  F. Opper
+
+
+  THOMPSON & THOMAS,
+  CHICAGO.
+
+  COPYRIGHT, 1894,
+
+  BY
+
+  J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+Facts in a nude state are not liable criminally, any more than bright
+and beautiful children commit a felony by being born thus; but it is the
+solemn duty of those having these children in charge to put appropriate,
+healthful, and even attractive apparel upon them at the earliest
+possible moment.
+
+It is thus with facts. They are the frame-work of history, not the
+drapery. They are like the cold, hard, dishevelled, damp, and
+uncomfortable body under the knife of the demonstrator, not the bright
+and bounding boy, clothed in graceful garments and filled to every
+tingling capillary with a soul.
+
+We, each of us, the artist and the author, respect facts. We have never,
+either of us, said an unkind word regarding facts. But we believe that
+they should not be placed before the public exactly as they were born.
+We want to see them embellished and beautified. That is why this history
+is written.
+
+Certain facts have come into the possession of the artist and author of
+this book regarding the history of the Republic down to the present day.
+We find, upon looking over the records and documents on file in the
+various archives of state and nation, that they are absolutely beyond
+question, and it is our object to give these truthfully. These rough and
+untidy, but impregnable truths, dressed in the sweet persuasive language
+of the author, and fluted, embossed, embroidered, and embellished by the
+skilful hand of the artist, are now before you.
+
+History is but the record of the public and official acts of human
+beings. It is our object, therefore, to humanize our history and deal
+with people past and present; people who ate and possibly drank; people
+who were born, flourished, and died; not grave tragedians, posing
+perpetually for their photographs.
+
+If we succeed in this way, and administer historical truth in the smooth
+capsule of the cartoonist and the commentator, we are content. If not,
+we know whose fault it will be, but will not get mad and swear about it.
+
+                                                        BILL NYE.
+
+                                                 FRED'K B. OPPER.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: BILL NYE'S FIELD OF HISTORIC RESEARCH.]
+
+
+  CHAPTER I.                                                        PAGE
+
+  THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA                                            13
+
+
+  CHAPTER II.
+
+  OTHER DISCOVERIES--WET AND DRY                                      23
+
+
+  CHAPTER III.
+
+  THE THIRTEEN ORIGINAL COLONIES                                      36
+
+
+  CHAPTER IV.
+
+  THE PLYMOUTH COLONY                                                 47
+
+
+  CHAPTER V.
+
+  DRAWBACKS OF BEING A COLONIST                                       55
+
+
+  CHAPTER VI.
+
+  THE EPISODE OF THE CHARTER OAK                                      62
+
+
+  CHAPTER VII.
+
+  THE DISCOVERY OF NEW YORK                                           72
+
+
+  CHAPTER VIII.
+
+  THE DUTCH AT NEW AMSTERDAM                                          82
+
+
+  CHAPTER IX.
+
+  SETTLEMENT OF THE MIDDLE STATES                                     92
+
+
+  CHAPTER X.
+
+  THE EARLY ARISTOCRACY                                              102
+
+
+  CHAPTER XI.
+
+  INTERCOLONIAL AND INDIAN WARS                                      110
+
+
+  CHAPTER XII.
+
+  PERSONALITY OF WASHINGTON                                          124
+
+
+  CHAPTER XIII.
+
+  CONTRASTS WITH THE PRESENT DAY                                     131
+
+
+  CHAPTER XIV.
+
+  THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR                                              142
+
+
+  CHAPTER XV.
+
+  BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, LL.D., PHG, F.R.S., ETC.                        152
+
+
+  CHAPTER XVI.
+
+  THE CRITICAL PERIOD                                                160
+
+
+  CHAPTER XVII.
+
+  THE BEGINNING OF THE END                                           170
+
+
+  CHAPTER XVIII.      PAGE
+
+  THE CLOSE OF THE REVOLUTION                                        181
+
+
+  CHAPTER XIX.
+
+  THE FIRST PRESIDENT                                                191
+
+
+  CHAPTER XX.
+
+  THE WAR WITH CANADA                                                203
+
+
+  CHAPTER XXI.
+
+  THE ADVANCE OF THE REPUBLIC                                        212
+
+
+  CHAPTER XXII.
+
+  MORE DIFFICULTIES STRAIGHTENED OUT                                 222
+
+
+  CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+  THE WEBSTERS                                                       233
+
+
+  CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+  BEFO' THE WAH--CAUSES WHICH LED TO IT--MASTERLY GRASP
+  OF THE SUBJECT SHOWN BY THE AUTHOR                                 243
+
+
+  CHAPTER XXV.
+
+  BULL RUN AND OTHER BATTLES                                         252
+
+
+  CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+  SOME MORE FRATRICIDAL STRIFE                                       263
+
+
+  CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+  STILL MORE FRATERNAL BLOODSHED, ON PRINCIPLE--OUTING
+  FEATURES DISAPPEAR, AND GIVE PLACE TO STRAINED RELATIONS
+  BETWEEN COMBATANTS, WHO BEGIN TO MIX THINGS                        274
+
+
+  CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+  LAST YEAR OF THE DISAGREEABLE WAR                                  284
+
+
+  CHAPTER XXIX.
+
+  TOO MUCH LIBERTY IN PLACES AND NOT ENOUGH ELSEWHERE.--THOUGHTS
+  ON THE LATE WAR--WHO IS THE BIGGER ASS,
+  THE MAN WHO WILL NOT FORGIVE AND FORGET, OR THE
+  MAWKISH AND MOIST EYED SNIVELLER WHO WANTS TO DO
+  THAT ALL THE TIME?                                                 297
+
+
+  CHAPTER XXX.
+
+  RECONSTRUCTION WITHOUT PAIN--ADMINISTRATIONS OF JOHNSON
+  AND GRANT                                                          305
+
+
+  CHAPTER XXXI.
+
+  CLOSING CHRONICLES                                                 317
+
+
+  APPENDIX                                                           329
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA.
+
+
+It was a beautiful evening at the close of a warm, luscious day in old
+Spain. It was such an evening as one would select for trysting purposes.
+The honeysuckle gave out the sweet announcement of its arrival on the
+summer breeze, and the bulbul sang in the dark vistas of
+olive-trees,--sang of his love and his hope, and of the victory he
+anticipated in the morrow's bulbul-fight, and the plaudits of the royal
+couple who would be there. The pink west paled away to the touch of
+twilight, and the soft zenith was sown with stars coming like celestial
+fire-flies on the breast of a mighty meadow.
+
+Across the dusk, with bowed head, came a woman. Her air was one of proud
+humility. It was the air of royalty in the presence of an overruling
+power. It was Isabella. She was on her way to confession. She carried a
+large, beautifully-bound volume containing a memorandum of her sins for
+the day. Ever and anon she would refer to it, but the twilight had come
+on so fast that she could not read it.
+
+[Illustration: ISABELLA AT CONFESSIONAL.]
+
+Reaching the confessional, she kneeled, and, by the aid of her notes,
+she told off to the good Father and receptacle of the queen's trifling
+sins, Fernando de Talavera, how wicked she had been. When it was over
+and the queen had risen to go, Fernando came forth, and with a solemn
+obeisance said,--
+
+"May it please your Majesty, I have to-day received a letter from my
+good friend the prior of the Franciscan convent of St. Mary's of Rabida
+in Andalusia. With your Majesty's permission, I will read it to you."
+
+"Proceed," exclaimed Isabella, gravely, taking a piece of crochet-work
+from her apron and seating herself comfortably near the dim light.
+
+"It is dated the sixth month and tenth day of the month, and reads as
+follows:
+
+     "DEAR BROTHER:
+
+     "This letter will be conveyed unto your hands by the bearer hereof.
+     His name is Christopher Columbus, a native of Genoa, who has been
+     living on me for two years. But he is a good man, devout and
+     honest. He is willing to work, but I have nothing to do in his
+     line. Times, as you know, are dull, and in his own profession
+     nothing seems to be doing.
+
+     "He is by profession a discoverer. He has been successful in the
+     work where he has had opportunities, and there has been no
+     complaint so far on the part of those who have employed him.
+     Everything he has ever discovered has remained that way, so he is
+     willing to let his work show for itself.
+
+     "Should you be able to bring this to the notice of her Majesty, who
+     is tender of heart, I would be most glad; and should her most
+     gracious Majesty have any discovering to be done, or should she
+     contemplate a change or desire to substitute another in the place
+     of the present discoverer, she will do well to consider the
+     qualifications of my friend.
+
+                   "Very sincerely and fraternally thine,
+
+                                              "Etc., etc."
+
+The queen inquired still further regarding Columbus, and, taking the
+letter, asked Talavera to send him to the royal sitting-room at ten
+o'clock the following day.
+
+When Columbus arose the next morning he found a note from the royal
+confessor, and, without waiting for breakfast, for he had almost
+overcome the habit of eating, he reversed his cuffs, and, taking a fresh
+handkerchief from his valise and putting it in his pocket so that the
+corners would coyly stick out a little, he was soon on his way to the
+palace. He carried also a small globe wrapped up in a newspaper.
+
+The interview was encouraging until the matter of money necessary for
+the trip was touched upon. His Majesty was called in, and spoke sadly of
+the public surplus. He said that there were one hundred dollars still
+due on his own salary, and the palace had not been painted for eight
+years. He had taken orders on the store till he was tired of it. "Our
+meat bill," said he, taking off his crown and mashing a hornet on the
+wall, "is sixty days overdue. We owe the hired girl for three weeks; and
+how are we going to get funds enough to do any discovering, when you
+remember that we have got to pay for an extra session this fall for the
+purpose of making money plenty?"
+
+[Illustration: COLUMBUS AT COURT.]
+
+But Isabella came and sat by him in her winning way, and with the
+moistened corner of her handkerchief removed a spot of maple syrup from
+the ermine trimming of his reigning gown. She patted his hand, and, with
+her gentle voice, cheered him and told him that if he would economize
+and go without cigars or wine, in less than two hundred years he would
+have saved enough to fit Columbus out.
+
+A few weeks later he had saved one hundred and fifty dollars in this
+way. The queen then went at twilight and pawned a large breastpin, and,
+although her chest was very sensitive to cold, she went without it all
+the following winter, in order that Columbus might discover America
+before immigration set in here.
+
+Too much cannot be said of the heroism of Queen Isabella and the courage
+of her convictions. A man would have said, under such circumstances,
+that there would be no sense in discovering a place that was not
+popular. Why discover a place when it is so far out of the way? Why
+discover a country with no improvements? Why discover a country that is
+so far from the railroad? Why discover, at great expense, an entirely
+new country?
+
+But Isabella did not stop to listen to these croaks. In the language of
+the Honorable Jeremiah M. Rusk, "She seen her duty and she done it."
+That was Isabella's style.
+
+Columbus now began to select steamer-chairs and rugs. He had already
+secured the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria, and on the 3d of August, 1492,
+he sailed from Palos.
+
+Isabella brought him a large bunch of beautiful flowers as he was about
+to sail, and Ferdinand gave him a nice yachting-cap and a spicy French
+novel to read on the road.
+
+He was given a commission as viceroy or governor of all the lands he
+might discover, with hunting and shooting privileges on same.
+
+[Illustration: COLUMBUS'S STEAMER-CHAIR.]
+
+He stopped several weeks at the Canary Islands, where he and his one
+hundred and twenty men rested and got fresh water. He then set out
+sailing due west over an unknown sea to blaze the way for liberty.
+
+Soon, however, his men began to murmur. They began also to pick on
+Columbus and occupy his steamer-chair when he wanted to use it himself.
+They got to making chalk-marks on the deck and compelling him to pay a
+shilling before he could cross them. Some claimed that they were lost
+and that they had been sailing around for over a week in a circle, one
+man stating that he recognized a spot in the sea that they had passed
+eight times already.
+
+Finally they mutinied, and started to throw the great navigator
+overboard, but he told them that if they would wait until the next
+morning he would tell them a highly amusing story that he heard just
+before he left Palos.
+
+Thus his life was saved, for early in the morning the cry of "Land ho!"
+was heard, and America was discovered.
+
+A saloon was at once started, and the first step thus taken towards the
+foundation of a republic. From that one little timid saloon, with its
+family entrance, has sprung the magnificent and majestic machine which,
+lubricated with spoils and driven by wind, gives to every American
+to-day the right to live under a Government selected for him by men who
+make that their business.
+
+Columbus discovered America several times after the 12th of October,
+1492, and finally, while prowling about looking for more islands,
+discovered South America near the mouth of the Orinoco.
+
+He was succeeded as governor by Francisco de Bobadilla, who sent him
+back finally in chains. Thus we see that the great are not always happy.
+There is no doubt that millions of people every year avoid many
+discomforts by remaining in obscurity.
+
+[Illustration: COLUMBUS HAVING TROUBLE WITH HIS SAILORS.]
+
+The life of Columbus has been written by hundreds of men, both in this
+country and abroad, but the foregoing facts are distilled from this
+great biographical mass by skilful hands, and, like the succeeding
+pages, will stand for centuries unshaken by the bombardment of the
+critic, while succeeding years shall try them with frost and thaw, and
+the tide of time dash high against their massive front, only to recede,
+quelled and defeated.[1]
+
+
+[Footnote 1: The author acknowledges especially the courtesy of San
+Diego Colon Columbus, a son of the great navigator, whose book
+"Historiadores Primitivos" was so generously loaned the author by
+relatives of young Columbus.
+
+I have refrained from announcing in the foregoing chapter the death of
+Columbus, which occurred May 20, 1506, at Valladolid, the funeral taking
+place from his late residence, because I dislike to give needless pain.
+
+                                                              B. N.]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+OTHER DISCOVERIES--WET AND DRY.
+
+
+America had many other discoverers besides Columbus, but he seems to
+have made more satisfactory arrangements with the historians than any of
+the others. He had genius, and was also a married man. He was a good
+after-dinner speaker, and was first to use the egg trick, which so many
+after-dinner speakers have since wished they had thought of before Chris
+did.
+
+In falsifying the log-book in order to make his sailors believe that
+they had not sailed so far as they had, Columbus did a wrong act,
+unworthy of his high notions regarding the pious discovery of this land.
+The artist has shown here not only one of the most faithful portraits of
+Columbus and his crooked log-book, but the punishment which he should
+have received.
+
+The man on the left is Columbus; History is concealed just around the
+corner in a loose wrapper.
+
+Spain at this time regarded the new land as a vast jewelry store in
+charge of simple children of the forest who did not know the value of
+their rich agricultural lands or gold-ribbed farms. Spain, therefore,
+expected to exchange bone collar-buttons with the children of the forest
+for opals as large as lima beans, and to trade fiery liquids to them for
+large gold bricks.
+
+The Montezumas were compelled every little while to pay a freight-bill
+for the Spanish confidence man.
+
+Ponce de Leon had started out in search of the Hot Springs of Arkansas,
+and in 1512 came in sight of Florida. He was not successful in his
+attempt to find the Fountain of Youth, and returned an old man so deaf
+that in the language of the Hoosier poet referring to his grandfather,--
+
+  "So remarkably deaf was my grandfather Squeers
+  That he had to wear lightning-rods over his ears
+  To even hear thunder, and oftentimes then
+  He was forced to request it to thunder again."
+
+Balboa crossed the Isthmus of Darien, and, rolling up his pantalettes,
+waded into the Pacific Ocean and discovered it in the name of Spain. It
+was one of the largest and wettest discoveries ever made, and, though
+this occurred over three centuries ago, Spain is still poor.
+
+Balboa, in discovering the Pacific, did so according to the Spanish
+custom of discovery, viz., by wading into it with his naked sword in one
+hand and the banner of Castile, sometimes called Castile's hope (see
+Appendix), in the other. He and his followers waded out so as to
+discover all they could, and were surprised to discover what is now
+called the undertow.
+
+[Illustration: BALBOA DRYING HIS CLOTHES.]
+
+The artist has shown the great discoverer most truthfully as he appeared
+after he had discovered and filed on the ocean. No one can look upon
+this picture for a moment and confuse Balboa, the discoverer of the
+Pacific, with Kope Elias, who first discovered in the mountains of North
+Carolina what is now known as moonshine whiskey.
+
+De Narvaez in 1528 undertook to conquer Florida with three hundred
+hands. He also pulled considerable grass in his search for gold. Finally
+he got to the gulf and was wrecked. They were all related mostly to
+Narvaez, and for two weeks they lived on their relatives, but later
+struck shore--four of them--and lived more on a vegetable diet after
+that till they struck the Pacific Ocean, which now belonged to Spain.
+
+De Soto also undertook the conquest of Florida after this, and took six
+hundred men with him for the purpose. They wandered through the Gulf
+States to the Mississippi, enduring much, and often forced to occupy the
+same room at night. De Soto in 1541 discovered the Mississippi River,
+thus adding to the moisture collection of Spain.
+
+After trying to mortgage his discovery to Eastern capitalists, he died,
+and was buried in the quiet bosom of the Great Father of waters.
+
+Thus once more the list of fatalities was added to and the hunger for
+gold was made to contribute a discovery.
+
+Menendez later on founded in 1565 the colony of St. Augustine, the
+oldest town in the United States. There are other towns that look older,
+but it is on account of dissipation. New York looks older, but it is
+because she always sat up later of nights than St. Augustine did.
+
+Cortez was one of the coarsest men who visited this country. He did not
+marry any wealthy American girls, for there were none, but he did
+everything else that was wrong, and his unpaid laundry-bills are still
+found all over the Spanish-speaking countries. He was especially lawless
+and cruel to the Peruvians: "recognizing the Peruvian at once by his
+bark," he would treat him with great indignity, instead of using other
+things which he had with him. Cortez had a way of capturing the most
+popular man in a city, and then he would call on the tax-payers to
+redeem him on the instalment plan. Most everybody hated Cortez, and when
+he held religious services the neighbors did not attend. The religious
+efforts made by Cortez were not successful. He killed a great many
+people, but converted but few.
+
+The historian desires at this time to speak briefly of the methods of
+Cortez from a commercial stand-point.
+
+Will the reader be good enough to cast his eye on the Cortez securities
+as shown in the picture drawn from memory by an artist yet a perfect
+gentleman?
+
+[Illustration: BANK OF CORTEZ.]
+
+Notice the bonds Nos. 18 and 27. Do you notice the listening attitude of
+No. 18? He is listening to the accumulating interest. Note the aged and
+haggard look of No. 27. He has just begun to notice that he is maturing.
+
+Cast your eye on the prone form of No. 31. He has just fallen due, and
+in doing so has hurt his crazy-bone (see Appendix).
+
+Be good enough to study the gold-bearing bond behind the screen. See the
+look of anguish. Some one has cut off a coupon probably. Cortez was that
+kind of a man. He would clip the ear of an Inca and make him scream with
+pain, so that his friends would come in and redeem him. Once the bank
+examiner came to examine the Cortez bank. He imparted a pleasing flavor
+on the following day to the soup.
+
+Spain owned at the close of the sixteenth century the West Indies,
+Yucatan, Mexico, and Florida, besides unlimited water facilities and the
+Peruvian preserves.
+
+North Carolina was discovered by the French navigator Verrazani, thirty
+years later than Cabot did, but as Cabot did not record his claim at the
+court-house in Wilmington the Frenchman jumped the claim in 1524, and
+the property remained about the same till again discovered by George W.
+Vanderbilt in the latter part of the present century.
+
+Montreal was discovered in 1535 by Cartier, also a Frenchman.
+
+Ribaut discovered South Carolina, and left thirty men to hold it. They
+were at that time the only white men from-Mexico to the North Pole, and
+a keen business man could have bought the whole thing, Indians and all,
+for a good team and a jug of nepenthe. But why repine?
+
+The Jesuit missionaries about the middle of the seventeenth century
+pushed their way to the North Mississippi and sought to convert the
+Indians. The Jesuits deserve great credit for their patience, endurance,
+and industry, but they were shocked to find the Indian averse to work.
+They also advanced slowly in church work, and would often avoid early
+mass that they might catch a mess of trout or violate the game law by
+killing a Dakotah in May.
+
+[Illustration: CONVERTING INDIANS.]
+
+Father Marquette discovered the Upper Mississippi not far from a large
+piece of suburban property owned by the author, north of Minneapolis.
+The ground has not been disturbed since discovered by Father Marquette.
+
+The English also discovered America from time to time, the Cabots
+finding Labrador while endeavoring to go to Asia via the North, and
+Frobisher discovered Baffin Bay in 1576 while on a like mission. The
+Spanish discovered the water mostly, and England the ice belonging to
+North America.
+
+Sir Francis Drake also discovered the Pacific Ocean, and afterward
+sailed an English ship on its waters, discovering Oregon.
+
+Sir Walter Raleigh, with the endorsement of his half-brother, Sir
+Humphrey Gilbert, regarding the idea of colonization of America, and
+being a great friend of Queen Elizabeth, got out a patent on Virginia.
+
+He planted a colony and a patch of tobacco on Roanoke Island, but the
+colonists did not care for agriculture, preferring to hunt for gold and
+pearls. In this way they soon ran out of food, and were constantly
+harassed by Indians.
+
+[Illustration: COULD NOT REACH THEM.]
+
+It was an odd sight to witness a colonist coming home after a long hard
+day hunting for pearls as he asked his wife if she would be good enough
+to pull an arrow out of some place which he could not reach himself.
+
+Raleigh spent two hundred thousand dollars in his efforts to colonize
+Virginia, and then, disgusted, divided up his patent and sold county
+rights to it at a pound apiece. This was in 1589. Raleigh learned the
+use of smoking tobacco at this time.
+
+[Illustration: RALEIGH'S ASTONISHMENT.]
+
+He was astonished when he tried it first, and threatened to change his
+boarding-place or take his meals out, but soon enjoyed it, and before
+he had been home a week Queen Elizabeth thought it to be an excellent
+thing for her house plants. It is now extensively used in the best
+narcotic circles.
+
+[Illustration: RALEIGH'S ENJOYMENT.]
+
+Several other efforts were made by the English to establish colonies in
+this country, but the Indians thought that these English people bathed
+too much, and invited perspiration between baths.
+
+One can see readily that the Englishman with his portable bath-tub has
+been a flag of defiance from the earliest discoveries till this day.
+
+This chapter brings us to the time when settlements were made as
+follows:
+
+  The French at Port Royal, N.S.,  1605.
+  The English at Jamestown         1607.
+  The French at Quebec             1608.
+  The Dutch at New York            1613.
+  The English at Plymouth          1620.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     The author's thanks are due to the following books of reference,
+     which, added to his retentive memory, have made the foregoing
+     statements accurate yet pleasing:
+
+     A Summer in England with H. W. Beecher. By J. B. Reed.
+
+     Russell's Digest of the Laws of Minnesota, with Price-List of
+     Members.
+
+     Out-Door and Bug Life in America. By Chilblainy, Chief of the
+     Umatilla.
+
+     Why I am an Indian. By S. Bull. With Notes by Ole Bull and
+     Introduction by John Bull.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: BONA FIDE PICTURE OF THE MAYFLOWER.]
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+THE THIRTEEN ORIGINAL COLONIES.
+
+
+This chapter is given up almost wholly to facts. It deals largely with
+the beginning of the thirteen original colonies from which sprang the
+Republic, the operation of which now gives so many thousands of men
+in-door employment four years at a time, thus relieving the
+penitentiaries and throwing more kindergarten statesmen to the front.
+
+[Illustration: SAMPLE PURITAN.]
+
+It was during this epoch that the Cavaliers landed in Virginia and the
+Puritans in Massachusetts; the latter lived on maple sugar and armed
+prayer, while the former saluted his cow, and, with bared head, milked
+her with his hat in one hand and his life in the other.
+
+Immigration now began to increase along the coast. The Mayflower began
+to bring over vast quantities of antique furniture, mostly hall-clocks
+for future sales. Hanging them on spars and masts during rough weather
+easily accounts for the fact that none of them have ever been known to
+go.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Puritans now began to barter with the Indians, swapping square black
+bottles of liquid hell for farms in Massachusetts and additions to log
+towns. Dried apples and schools began to make their appearance. The low
+retreating forehead of the codfish began to be seen at the stores, and
+virtue began to break out among the Indians after death.
+
+Virginia, however, deserves mention here on the start. This colony was
+poorly prepared to tote wood and sleep out-of-doors, as the people were
+all gents by birth. They had no families, but came to Virginia to obtain
+fortunes and return to the city of New York in September. The climate
+was unhealthy, and before the first autumn, says Sir William Kronk, from
+whom I quote, "ye greater numberr of them hade perished of a great
+Miserrie in the Side and for lacke of Food, for at thatte time the
+Crosse betweene the wilde hyena and the common hogge of the Holy Lande,
+and since called the Razor Backe Hogge, had not been made, and so many
+of the courtiers dyede."
+
+John Smith saved the colony. He was one of the best Smiths that ever
+came to this country, which is as large an encomium as a man cares to
+travel with. He would have saved the life of Pocahontas, an Indian girl
+who also belonged to the gentry of their tribe, but she saw at once that
+it would be a point for her to save him, so after a month's rehearsal
+with her father as villain, with Smith's part taken by a chunk of
+blue-gum wood, they succeeded in getting this little curtain-raiser to
+perfection.
+
+Pocahontas was afterwards married, if the author's memory does not fail
+him, to John Rolfe. Pocahontas was not beautiful, but many good people
+sprang from her. She never touched them. Her husband sprang from her
+also just in time. The way she jumped from a clay-eating crowd into the
+bosom of the English aristocracy by this dramatic ruse was worthy of a
+greater recognition than merely to figure among the makers of
+smoking-tobacco with fancy wrappers, when she never had a fancy wrapper
+in her life.
+
+Smith was captured once by the Indians, and, instead of telling them
+that he was by birth a gent, he gave them a course of lectures on the
+use of the compass and how to learn where one is at. Thus one after
+another the Indians went away. I often wonder why the lecture is not
+used more as a means of escape from hostile people.
+
+[Illustration: THE REHEARSAL.]
+
+By writing a letter and getting a reply to it, he made another hit. He
+now became a great man among the Indians; and to kill a dog and fail to
+invite Smith to the symposium was considered as vulgar as it is now to
+rest the arctic overshoe on the corner of the dining-table while
+buckling or unbuckling it.
+
+Afterward Smith fell into the hands of Powhatan, the Croker of his time,
+and narrowly saved his life, as we have seen, through the intervention
+of Pocahontas.
+
+Smith was now required in England to preside at a dinner given by the
+Savage Club, and to tell a few stories of life in the Far West.
+
+While he was gone the settlement became a prey to disease and famine.
+Some were killed by the Indians while returning from their club at
+evening; some became pirates.
+
+The colony decreased from four hundred and ninety to sixty people, and
+at last it was moved and seconded that they do now adjourn. They started
+away from Jamestown without a tear, or hardly anything else, having
+experienced a very dull time there, funerals being the only relaxation
+whatever.
+
+But moving down the bay they met Lord Delaware, the new Governor, with a
+lot of Christmas-presents and groceries. Jamestown was once more saved,
+though property still continued low. The company, by the terms of its
+new charter, became a self-governing institution, and London was only
+too tickled to get out of the responsibility. It is said that the only
+genuine humor up to that time heard in London was spent on the jays of
+Jamestown and the Virginia colony.
+
+Where is that laughter now? Where are the gibes and _bon-mots_ made at
+that sad time?
+
+They are gone.
+
+All over that little republic, so begun in sorrow and travail, there
+came in after-years the dimples and the smiles of the prosperous child
+who would one day rise in the lap of the mother-country, and, asserting
+its rights by means of Patrick O'Fallen Henry and others, place a large
+and disagreeable fire-cracker under the nose of royalty, that, busting
+the awful stillness, should jar the empires of earth, and blow the
+unblown noses of future kings and princes. (This is taken bodily from a
+speech made by me July 4, 1777, when I was young.--THE AUTHOR.)
+
+Pocahontas was married in 1613. She was baptized the day before. Whoever
+thought of that was a bright and thoughtful thinker. She stood the wear
+and tear of civilization for three years, and then died, leaving an
+infant son, who has since grown up.
+
+The colony now prospered. All freemen had the right to vote. Religious
+toleration was enjoyed first-rate, and, there being no negro slavery,
+Virginia bade fair to be _the_ republic of the continent. But in 1619
+the captain of a Dutch trading-vessel sold to the colonists twenty
+negroes. The negroes were mostly married people, and in some instances
+children were born to them. This peculiarity still shows itself among
+the negroes, and now all over the South one hardly crosses a county
+without seeing a negro or a person with negro blood in his or her veins.
+
+[Illustration: NEGROES STILL HAVE FAMILIES.]
+
+After the death of Powhatan, the friend of the English, an organized
+attempt was made by the Indians to exterminate the white people and
+charge more for water frontage the next time any colonists came.
+
+March 22, 1622, was the day set, and many of the Indians were eating at
+the tables of those they had sworn to kill. It was a solemn moment. The
+surprise was to take place between the cold beans and the chili sauce.
+
+But a converted Indian told quite a number, and as the cold beans were
+passed, the effect of some arsenic that had been eaten with the
+slim-neck clams began to be seen, and before the beans had gone half-way
+round the board the children of the forest were seen to excuse
+themselves, and thus avoid dying in the house.
+
+[Illustration: PREPARING THE FEAST.]
+
+Yet there were over three hundred and fifty white people massacred, and
+there followed another, reducing the colonists from four thousand to two
+thousand five hundred, then a massacre of five hundred, and so on, a
+sickening record of death and horror, even worse, before a great nation
+could get a foothold in this wild and savage land; even a toe-hold, as I
+may say, in the sands of time.
+
+July 30, 1619, the first sprout of Freedom poked its head from the soil
+of Jamestown when Governor Yeardley stated that the colony "should have
+a handle in governing itself." He then called at Jamestown the first
+legislative body ever assembled in America; most of the members whereof
+boarded at the Planters' House during the session. (For sample of
+legislator see picture.) This body could pass laws, but they must be
+ratified by the company in England. The orders from London were not
+binding unless ratified by this Colonial Assembly.
+
+This was a mutual arrangement reminding one of the fearful yet mutual
+apprehension spoken of by the poet when he says,--
+
+  "Jim Darling didn't know but his father was dead,
+  And his father didn't know but Jim Darling was dead."
+
+The colony now began to prosper; men held their lands in severalty, and
+taxes were low. The railroad had not then brought in new styles in
+clothing and made people unhappy by creating jealousy.
+
+Settlements joined each other along the James for one hundred and forty
+miles, and the colonists first demonstrated how easily they could get
+along without the New York papers.
+
+Tobacco began to be a very valuable crop, and at one time even the
+streets were used for its cultivation. Tobacco now proceeded to become
+a curse to the civilized world.
+
+In 1624, King James, fearing that the infant colony would go Democratic,
+appointed a rump governor.
+
+The oppression of the English parliament now began to be felt. The
+colonists were obliged to ship their products to England and to use only
+English vessels. The Assembly, largely royalists, refused to go out when
+their terms of office expired, paid themselves at the rate of about
+thirty-six dollars per day as money is now, and, in fact, acted like
+members of the Legislature generally.
+
+[Illustration: JAMESTOWN LEGISLATOR.]
+
+In 1676, one hundred years before the Colonies declared themselves free
+and independent, a rebellion, under the management of a bright young
+attorney named Bacon, visited Jamestown and burned the American
+metropolis, after which Governor Berkeley was driven out. Bacon died
+just as his rebellion was beginning to pay, and the people dispersed.
+Berkeley then took control, and killed so many rebels that Mrs. Berkeley
+had to do her own work, and Berkeley, who had no one left to help him
+but his friends, had to stack his own grain that fall and do the chores
+at the barn.
+
+Jamestown is now no more. It was succeeded in 1885 by Jamestown, North
+Dakota, now called Jimtown, a prosperous place in the rich farming-lands
+of that State.
+
+Jamestown the first, the scene of so many sorrows and little jealousies,
+so many midnight Indian attacks and bilious attacks by day, became a
+solemn ruin, and a few shattered tombstones, over which the jimson-weed
+and the wild vines clamber, show to the curious traveller the place
+where civilization first sought to establish itself on the James River,
+U.S.A.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     The author wishes to refer with great gratitude to information
+     contained in the foregoing chapter and obtained from the following
+     works:
+
+     The Indian and other Animalcula. By N. K. Boswell, Laramie City,
+     Wyoming.
+
+     How to Jolly the Red Man out of his Lands. By Ernest Smith.
+
+     The Female Red Man and her Pure Life. By Johnson Sides, Reno,
+     Nevada (P.M. please forward if out on war-path).
+
+     The Crow Indian and His Caws. By Me.
+
+     Massacre Etiquette. By Wad. McSwalloper, 82 McDougall St., New
+     York.
+
+     Where is my Indian to night? By a half-bred lady of Winnipeg.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+THE PLYMOUTH COLONY.
+
+
+In the fall of 1620 the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth during a
+disagreeable storm, and, noting the excellent opportunity for future
+misery, began to erect a number of rude cabins. This party consisted of
+one hundred and two people of a resolute character who wished to worship
+God in a more extemporaneous manner than had been the custom in the
+Church of England.
+
+They found that the Indians of Cape Cod were not ritualistic, and that
+they were willing to dispose of inside lots at Plymouth on reasonable
+terms, retaining, however, the right to use the lands for massacre
+purposes from time to time.
+
+The Pilgrims were honest, and gave the Indians something for their land
+in almost every instance, but they put a price upon it which has made
+the Indian ever since a comparatively poor man.
+
+Half of this devoted band died before spring, and yet the idea of
+returning to England did not occur to them. "No," they exclaimed, "we
+will not go back to London until we can go first-class, if we have to
+stay here two hundred years."
+
+During the winter they discovered why the lands had been sold to them so
+low. The Indians of one tribe had died there of a pestilence the year
+before, and so when the Pilgrims began to talk trade they did not haggle
+over prices.
+
+In the early spring, however, they were surprised to hear the word
+"Welcome" proceeding from the door-mat of Samoset, an Indian whose chief
+was named Massasoit. A treaty was then made for fifty years, Massasoit
+taking "the same."
+
+Canonicus once sent to Governor Bradford a bundle of arrows tied up in a
+rattlesnake's skin. The Governor put them away in the pantry with his
+other curios, and sent Canonicus a few bright new bullets and a little
+dose of powder. That closed the correspondence. In those days there were
+no newspapers, and most of the fighting was done without a guarantee or
+side bets.
+
+Money-matters; however, were rather panicky at the time, and the people
+were kept busy digging clams to sustain life in order to raise Indian
+corn enough to give them sufficient strength to pull clams enough the
+following winter to get them through till the next corn crop should give
+them strength to dig for clams again. Thus a trip to London and the Isle
+of Wight looked farther and farther away.
+
+After four years they numbered only one hundred and eighty-four,
+counting immigration and all. The colony only needed, however, more
+people and Eastern capital.
+
+It would be well to pause here and remember the annoyances connected
+with life as a forefather. Possibly the reader has considered the matter
+already. Imagine how nervous one may be waiting in the hall and watching
+with a keen glance for the approach of the physician who is to announce
+that one is a forefather. The amateur forefather of 1620 must have felt
+proud yet anxious about the clam-yield also, as each new mouth opened on
+the prospect.
+
+Speaking of clams, it is said by some of the forefathers that the Cape
+Cod menu did not go beyond codfish croquettes until the beginning of the
+seventeenth century, when pie was added by act of legislature.
+
+Clams are not so restless if eaten without the brisket, which is said to
+lie hard on the stomach.[2]
+
+Salem and Charlestown were started by Governor Endicott, and Boston was
+founded in 1630. To these various towns the Puritans flocked, and even
+now one may be seen in ghostly garments on Thanksgiving Eve flitting
+here and there turning off the gas in the parlor while the family are at
+tea, in order to cut down expenses.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Plymouth and Massachusetts Bay Colonies were united in 1692.
+
+Roger Williams, a bright young divine, was the first to interfere with
+the belief that magistrates had the right to punish Sabbath-breakers,
+blasphemers, etc. He also was the first to utter the idea that a man's
+own conscience must be his own guide and not that of another.
+
+[Illustration: SABBATH-BREAKER ARRESTER.]
+
+Among the Puritans there were several who had enlarged consciences, and
+who desired to take in extra work for others who had no consciences and
+were busy in the fields. They were always ready to give sixteen ounces
+to the pound, and were honest, but they got very little rest on Sunday,
+because they had to watch the Sabbath-breaker all the time.
+
+[Illustration: PURITAN SNORE ARRESTER.]
+
+The method of punishment for some offences is given here.
+
+[Illustration: METHODS OF PUNISHMENT.]
+
+Does the man look cheerful? No. No one looks cheerful. Even the little
+boys look sad. It is said that the Puritans knocked what fun there was
+out of the Indian. Did any one ever see an Indian smile since the
+landing of the Pilgrims?
+
+[Illustration: Cold!]
+
+[Illustration: Hunger!!]
+
+Roger Williams was too liberal to be kindly received by the clergy, and
+so he was driven out of the settlement. Finding that the Indians were
+less rigid and kept open on Sundays, he took refuge among them (1636),
+and before spring had gained eighteen pounds and converted Canonicus,
+one of the hardest cases in New England and the first man to sit up till
+after ten o'clock at night. Canonicus gave Roger the tract of land on
+which Providence now stands.
+
+[Illustration: Injuns!!!]
+
+Mrs. Anne Hutchinson gave the Pilgrims trouble also. Having claimed
+some special revelations and attempted to make a few remarks regarding
+them, she was banished.
+
+Banishment, which meant a homeless life in a wild land, with no one but
+the Indians to associate with, in those days, was especially annoying to
+a good Christian woman, and yet it had its good points. It offered a
+little religious freedom, which could not be had among those who wanted
+it so much that they braved the billow and the wild beast, the savage,
+the drouth, the flood, and the potato-bug, to obtain it before anybody
+else got a chance at it. Freedom is a good thing.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Twenty years later the Quakers shocked every one by thinking a few
+religious thoughts on their own hooks. The colonists executed four of
+them, and before that tortured them at a great rate.
+
+During dull times and on rainy days it was a question among the
+Puritans whether they would banish an old lady, bore holes with a
+red-hot iron through a Quaker's tongue, or pitch horse-shoes.
+
+In 1643 the "United Colonies of New England" was the name of a league
+formed by the people for protection against the Indians.
+
+King Philip's war followed.
+
+Massasoit was during his lifetime a friend to the poor whites of
+Plymouth, as Powhatan had been of those at Jamestown, but these two
+great chiefs were succeeded by a low set of Indians, who showed as
+little refinement as one could well imagine.
+
+Some of the sufferings of the Pilgrims at the time are depicted on the
+preceding pages by the artist, also a few they escaped.
+
+Looking over the lives of our forefathers who came from England, I am
+not surprised that, with all the English people who have recently come
+to this country, I have never seen a forefather.
+
+
+[Footnote 2: See Dr. Dunn's Family Physician and Horse Doctor.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+DRAWBACKS OF BEING A COLONIST.
+
+
+It was at this period in the history of our country that the colonists
+found themselves not only banished from all civilization, but compelled
+to fight an armed foe whose trade was war and whose music was the dying
+wail of a tortured enemy. Unhampered by the exhausting efforts of
+industry, the Indian, trained by centuries of war upon adjoining tribes,
+felt himself foot-loose and free to shoot the unprotected forefather
+from behind the very stump fence his victim had worked so hard to erect.
+
+King Philip, a demonetized sovereign, organized his red troops, and,
+carrying no haversacks, knapsacks, or artillery, fell upon the colonists
+and killed them, only to reappear at some remote point while the dead
+and wounded who fell at the first point were being buried or cared for
+by rude physicians.
+
+What an era in the history of a country! Gentlewomen whose homes had
+been in the peaceful hamlets of England lived and died in the face of a
+cruel foe, yet prepared the cloth and clothing for their families, fed
+them, and taught them to look to God in all times of trouble, to be
+prayerful in their daily lives, yet vigilant and ready to deal death to
+the general enemy. They were the mothers whose sons and grandsons laid
+the huge foundations of a great nation and cemented them with their
+blood.
+
+[Illustration: PRAYERFUL YET VIGILANT.]
+
+At this time there was a line of battle three hundred miles in length.
+On one side the white man went armed to the field or the prayer-meeting,
+shooting an Indian on sight as he would a panther; on the other, a foe
+whose wife did the chores and hoed the scattering crops while he made
+war and extermination his joy by night and his prayer and life-long
+purpose by day.
+
+Finally, however, the victory came sluggishly to the brave and
+deserving. One thousand Indians were killed at one pop, and their
+wigwams were burned. All their furniture and curios were burned in their
+wigwams, and some of their valuable dogs were holocausted. King Philip
+was shot by a follower as he was looking under the throne for
+something, and peace was for the time declared.
+
+[Illustration: AN OVATION IN THE WAY OF EGGS AND CODFISH.]
+
+About 1684 the Colony of Massachusetts, which had dared to open up a
+trade with the West Indies, using its own vessels for that purpose, was
+hauled over the coals by the mother-country for violation of the
+Navigation Act, and an officer sent over to enforce the latter. The
+colonists defied him, and when he was speaking to them publicly in a
+tone of reprimand, he got an ovation in the way of eggs and codfish,
+both of which had been set aside for that purpose when the country was
+new, and therefore had an air of antiquity which cannot be successfully
+imitated.
+
+As a result, the Colony was made a royal appendage, and Sir Edmund
+Andros, a political hack under James II., was made Governor of New
+England. He reigned under great difficulties for three years, and then
+suddenly found himself in jail. The jail was so arranged that he could
+not get out, and so the Puritans now quietly resumed their old form of
+government.
+
+This continued also for three years, when Sir William Phipps became
+Governor under the crown, with one hundred and twenty pounds per annum
+and house-rent.
+
+From this on to the Revolution, Massachusetts, Maine, and Nova Scotia
+became a royal province. Nova Scotia is that way yet, and has to go to
+Boston for her groceries.
+
+[Illustration: OPENING OF THE WITCH-HUNTING SEASON.]
+
+The year 1692 is noted mostly for the Salem excitement regarding
+witchcraft. The children of Rev. Mr. Parris were attacked with some
+peculiar disease which would not yield to the soothing blisters and
+bleedings administered by the physicians of the old school, and so, not
+knowing exactly what to do about it, the doctors concluded that they
+were bewitched. Then it was, of course, the duty of the courts and
+selectmen to hunt up the witches. This was naturally difficult.
+
+Fifty-five persons were tortured and twenty were hanged for being
+witches; which proves that the people of Salem were fully abreast of the
+Indians in intelligence, and that their gospel privileges had not given
+their charity and Christian love such a boom as they should have done.
+
+One can hardly be found now, even in Salem, who believes in witchcraft;
+though the Cape Cod people, it is said, still spit on their bait. The
+belief in witchcraft in those days was not confined by any means to the
+colonists. Sir Matthew Hale of England, one of the most enlightened
+judges of the mother-country, condemned a number of people for the
+offence, and is now engaged in doing road-work on the streets of the New
+Jerusalem as a punishment for these acts done while on the woolsack.
+
+Blackstone himself, one of the dullest authors ever read by the writer
+of these lines, yet a skilled jurist, with a marvellous memory regarding
+Justinian, said that, to deny witchcraft was to deny revelation.
+
+"Be you a witch?" asked one of the judges of Massachusetts, according to
+the records now on file in the State-House at Boston.
+
+"No, your honor," was the reply.
+
+"Officer," said the court, taking a pinch of snuff, "take her out on
+the tennis-grounds and pull out her toe-nails with a pair of hot
+pincers, and then see what she says."
+
+It was quite common to examine lady witches in the regular court and
+then adjourn to the tennis-court. A great many were ducked by order of
+the court and hanged up by the thumbs, in obedience to the customs of
+these people who came to America because they were persecuted.
+
+[Illustration: IRISHMAN WHO, WHEN POOR, WAS DOWN ON RICH PEOPLE.]
+
+Human nature is the same even to this day. The writer grew up with an
+Irishman who believed that when a man got wealthy enough to keep a
+carriage and coachman he ought to be assassinated and all his goods
+given to the poor. He now hires a coachman himself, having succeeded in
+New York city as a policeman; but the man who comes to assassinate him
+will find it almost impossible to obtain an audience with him.
+
+[Illustration: IRISHMAN WHO, WHEN RICH, WAS PROUD AND HAUGHTY.]
+
+If you wish to educate a man to be a successful oppressor, with a genius
+for introducing new horrors and novelties in pain, oppress him early in
+life and don't give him any reason for doing so. The idea that "God is
+love" was not popular in those days. The early settlers were so stern
+even with their own children that if the Indian had not given the
+forefather something to attract his attention, the boy crop would have
+been very light.
+
+Even now the philosopher is led to ask, regarding the boasted freedom of
+America, why some measures are not taken to put large fly-screens over
+it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+THE EPISODE OF THE CHARTER OAK.
+
+
+The Colonies of Maine and New Hampshire were so closely associated with
+that of Massachusetts that their history up to 1820 was practically the
+same.
+
+Shortly after the landing of the Pilgrims, say two years or thereabouts,
+Gorges and Mason obtained from England the grant of a large tract lying
+between the Merrimac and Kennebec Rivers. This patent was afterwards
+dissolved, Mason taking what is now New Hampshire, and Gorges taking
+Maine. He afterwards sold the State to Massachusetts for six thousand
+dollars. The growth of the State may be noticed since that time, for one
+county cost more than that last November.
+
+In 1820 Maine was separated from Massachusetts. Maine is noted for being
+the easternmost State in the Union, and has been utilized by a number of
+eminent men as a birthplace. White-birch spools for thread,
+Christmas-trees, and tamarack and spruce-gum are found in great
+abundance. It is the home of an industrious and peace-loving people.
+Bar Harbor is a cool place to go to in summer-time and violate the
+liquor law of the State.
+
+[Illustration: SEDUCTIONS OF BAR HARBOR.]
+
+The Dutch were first to claim Connecticut. They built a trading-post at
+Hartford, where they swapped bone collar-buttons with the Indians for
+beaver-and otter-skins. Traders from Plymouth who went up the river were
+threatened by the Dutch, but they pressed on and established a post at
+Windsor.
+
+In 1635, John Steele led a company "out west" to Hartford, and Thomas
+Hooker, a clergyman, followed with his congregation, driving their stock
+before them. Hartford thus had quite a boom quite early in the
+seventeenth century. The Dutch were driven out of the Connecticut
+Valley, and began to look towards New York.
+
+[Illustration: PEQUOD INDIAN ON THE WAR-PATH.]
+
+Soon after this the Pequod War broke out. These Indians had hoped to
+form an alliance with the Narragansetts, but Roger Williams prevented
+this by seeing the Narragansett chief personally. Thus the Puritans had
+coals of fire heaped on their heads by their gentle pastor, until the
+odor of burning hair could be detected as far away as New Haven.
+
+The Pequods were thus compelled to fight alone, and Captain Mason by a
+_coup d'etat_ surrounded their camp before daylight and entered the
+palisades with the Indian picket, who cried out "Owanux! Owanux!"
+meaning "Englishmen. Englishmen." Mason and his men killed these
+Pequods and burned their lodges to the ground. There has never been a
+prosperous Pequod lodge since. Those who escaped to the forest were shot
+down like jack-rabbits as they fled, and there has been no Pequoding
+done since that time.
+
+The New Haven Colony was founded in 1638 by wealthy church members from
+abroad. They took the Bible as their standard and statute. They had no
+other law. Only church members could vote, which was different from the
+arrangements in New York City in after-years.
+
+[Illustration: GOVERNOR ANDROS.]
+
+The Connecticut Colony had a regular constitution, said to have been the
+first written constitution ever adopted by the people, framed for the
+people by the people. It was at once prosperous, and soon bought out the
+Saybrook Colony.
+
+In 1662 a royal charter was obtained which united the two above colonies
+and guaranteed to the people the rights agreed upon by them. It
+amounted to a duly-authenticated independence. A quarter of a century
+afterwards Governor Andros, in his other clothes and a reigning coat of
+red and gold trimmings, marched into the Assembly and demanded this
+precious charter.
+
+A long debate ensued, and, according to tradition, while the members of
+the Assembly stood around the table taking a farewell look at the
+charter, one of the largest members of the house fell on the governor's
+breast and wept so copiously on his shirt-frill that harsh words were
+used by his Excellency; a general quarrel ensued, the lights went out,
+and when they were relighted the charter was gone.
+
+Captain Wadsworth had taken it and concealed it in a hollow tree, since
+called the Charter Oak. After Andros was ejected from the Boston office,
+the charter was brought out again, and business under it was resumed.
+
+Important documents, however, should not be, as a general thing,
+secreted in trees. The author once tried this while young, and when
+engaged to, or hoping to become engaged to, a dear one whose pa was a
+singularly coarse man and who hated a young man who came as a lover at
+his daughter's feet with nothing but a good education and his great big
+manly heart. He wanted a son-in-law with a brewery; and so he bribed the
+boys of the neighborhood to break up a secret correspondence between
+the two young people and bring the mail to him. This was the cause of
+many a heart-ache, and finally the marriage of the sweet young lady to a
+brewer who was mortgaged so deeply that he wandered off somewhere and
+never returned. Years afterwards the brewery needed repairs, and one of
+the large vats was found to contain all of the missing man that would
+not assimilate with the beer,--viz., his watch. Quite a number of people
+at that time quit the use of beer, and the author gave his hand in
+marriage to a wealthy young lady who was attracted by his gallantry and
+fresh young beauty.
+
+[Illustration: NYE'S CHARTER OAK.]
+
+Roger Williams now settled at Providence Plantation, where he was joined
+by Mrs. Hutchinson, who also believed that the church and state should
+not be united, but that the state should protect the church and that
+neither should undertake to boss the other. It was also held that
+religious qualifications should not be required of political aspirants,
+also that no man should be required to whittle his soul into a shape to
+fit the religious auger-hole of another.
+
+This was the beginning of Rhode Island. She desired at once to join the
+New England Colony, but was refused, as she had no charter. Plymouth
+claimed also to have jurisdiction over Rhode Island. This was very much
+like Plymouth.
+
+Having banished Roger Williams and Mrs. Hutchinson to be skinned by the
+Pequods and Narragansetts over at Narragansett Pier, they went on about
+their business, flogging Quakers, also ducking old women who had
+lumbago, and burning other women who would not answer affirmatively when
+asked, "Be you a witch?"
+
+Then when Roger began to make improvements and draw the attention of
+Eastern capital to Rhode Island and to organize a State or Colony with a
+charter, Plymouth said, "Hold on, Roger: religiously we have cast you
+out, to live on wild strawberries, clams, and Indians, but from a
+mercantile and political point of view you will please notice that we
+have a string which you will notice is attached to your wages and
+discoveries."
+
+[Illustration: DUCKING OLD WOMEN.]
+
+Afterwards, however, Roger Williams obtained the necessary funds from
+admiring friends with which to go to England and obtain a charter which
+united the Colonies yet gave to all the first official right to liberty
+of conscience ever granted in Europe or America. Prior to that a man's
+conscience had a brass collar on it with the royal arms engraved
+thereon, and was kept picketed out in the king's grounds. The owner
+could go and look at it on Sundays, but he never had the use of it.
+
+With the advent of freedom of political opinion, the individual use of
+the conscience has become popularized, and the time is coming when it
+will grow to a great size under our wise institutions and fostering
+skies. Instead of turning over our consciences to the safety deposit
+company of a great political party or religious organization and taking
+the key in our pocket, let us have individual charge of this useful
+little instrument and be able finally to answer for its growth or decay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     The author wishes to extend his thanks for the use of books of
+     reference used in the collection of the foregoing facts; among
+     them, "How to Pay Expenses though Single," by a Social Leper, "How
+     to Keep Well," by Methuselah, "Humor of Early Days," by Job,
+     "Dangers of the Deep," by Noah, "General Peacefulness and Repose of
+     the Dead Indian," by General Nelson A. Miles, "Gulliver's Travels,"
+     and "Life and Public Services of the James Boys."
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: NYE IN HIS FAMILY GALLERY.]
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE DISCOVERY OF NEW YORK.
+
+
+The author will now refer to the discovery of the Hudson River and the
+town of New York _via_ Fort Lee and the 125th Street Ferry.
+
+New York was afterwards sold for twenty-four dollars,--the whole island.
+When I think of this I go into my family gallery, which I also use as a
+swear room, and tell those ancestors of mine what I think of them. Where
+were they when New York was sold for twenty-four dollars? Were they
+having their portraits painted by Landseer, or their deposition taken by
+Jeffreys, or having their Little Lord Fauntleroy clothes made?
+
+Do not encourage them to believe that they will escape me in future
+years. Some of them died unregenerate, and are now, I am told, in a
+country where they may possibly be damned; and I will attend to the
+others personally.
+
+Twenty-four dollars for New York! Why, my Croton-water tax on one house
+and lot with fifty feet four and one-fourth inches front is fifty-nine
+dollars and no questions asked. Why, you can't get a voter for that
+now.
+
+Henry--or Hendrik--Hudson was an English navigator, of whose birth and
+early history nothing is known definitely, hence his name is never
+mentioned in many of the best homes in New York.
+
+In 1607 he made a voyage in search of the Northwest Passage. In one of
+his voyages he discovered Cape Cod, and later on the Hudson River.
+
+This was one hundred and seventeen years after Columbus discovered
+America; which shows that the discovering business was not pushed as it
+should have been by those who had it in charge.
+
+Hudson went up the river as far as Albany, but, finding no one there
+whom he knew, he hastened back as far as 209th Street West, and
+anchored.
+
+He discovered Hudson Bay and Hudson Strait, and made other journeys by
+water, though aquatting was then in its infancy. Afterwards his sailors
+became mutinous, and set Hendrik and his son, with seven infirm sailors,
+afloat.
+
+Ah! Whom have we here? (See next page.)
+
+It is Hendrik Hudson, who discovered the Hudson River.
+
+Here he has just landed at the foot of 209th Street, New York, where he
+offered the Indians liquor, but they refused.
+
+How 209th Street has changed!
+
+The artist has been fortunate in getting the expression of the Indians
+in the act of refusing. Mr. Hudson's great reputation lies in the fact
+that he discovered the river which bears his name; but the thinking mind
+will at once regard the discovery of an Indian who does not drink as far
+more wonderful.
+
+[Illustration: DISCOVERY OF TEMPERANCE INDIANS.]
+
+Some historians say that this especial delegation was swept away
+afterward by a pestilence, whilst others commenting on the incident
+maintain that Hudson lied.
+
+It is the only historical question regarding America not fully settled
+by this book.
+
+Nothing more was heard of him till he turned up in a thinking part in
+"Rip Van Winkle."
+
+Many claims regarding the discovery of various parts of the United
+States had been previously made. The Cabots had discovered Labrador, the
+Spaniards the southern part of the United States; the Norsemen had
+discovered Minneapolis, and Columbus had discovered San Salvador and
+gone home to meet a ninety-day note due in Palos for the use of the
+Pinta, which he had hired by the hour.
+
+But we are speaking of the discovery of New York.
+
+About this time a solitary horseman might have been seen at West 209th
+Street, clothed in a little brief authority, and looking out to the west
+as he petulantly spoke in the Tammany dialect, then in the language of
+the blank-verse Indian. He began, "Another day of anxiety has passed,
+and yet we have not been discovered! The Great Spirit tells me in the
+thunder of the surf and the roaring cataract of the Harlem that within a
+week we will be discovered for the first time."
+
+As he stands there aboard of his horse, one sees that he is a chief in
+every respect and in life's great drama would naturally occupy the
+middle of the stage. It was at this moment that Hudson slipped down the
+river from Albany past Fort Lee, and, dropping a nickel in the slot at
+125th Street, weighed his anchor at that place. As soon as he had landed
+and discovered the city, he was approached by the chief, who said, "We
+gates. I am one of the committee to show you our little town. I suppose
+you have a power of attorney, of course, for discovering us?"
+
+"Yes," said Hudson. "As Columbus used to say when he discovered San
+Salvador, 'I do it by the right vested in me by my sovereigns.' 'That
+oversizes my pile by a sovereign and a half,' says one of the natives;
+and so, if you have not heard it, there is a good thing for one of your
+dinner-speeches here."
+
+"Very good," said the chief, as they jogged down-town on a swift Sixth
+Avenue elevated train towards the wigwams on 14th Street, and going at
+the rate of four miles an hour. "We do not care especially who discovers
+us, so long as we hold control of the city organization. How about that,
+Hank?"
+
+"That will be satisfactory," said Mr. Hudson, taking a package of
+imported cheese and eating it, so that they could have the car to
+themselves.
+
+"We will take the departments, such as Police, Street-Cleaning, etc.,
+etc., etc., while you and Columbus get your pictures on the currency and
+have your graves mussed up on anniversaries. We get the two-moment
+horses and the country chateaux on the Bronx. Sabe?"
+
+"That is, you do not care whose portrait is on the currency," said
+Hudson, "so you get the currency."
+
+Said the man, "That is the sense of the meeting."
+
+Thus was New York discovered _via_ Albany and Fort Lee, and five minutes
+after the two touched glasses, the brim of the schoppin and the
+Manhattan cocktail tinkled together, and New York was inaugurated.
+
+Obtaining a gentle and philanthropical gentleman who knew too well the
+city by gas-light, they saw the town so thoroughly that nearly every
+building in the morning wore a bright red sign which read--
+
+  +----------------------+
+  |   BEWARE OF PAINT.   |
+  +----------------------+
+
+Regarding the question as to who has the right to claim the priority of
+discovery of New York, I unite with one of the ablest historians now
+living in stating that I do not know.
+
+Here and there throughout the work of all great historians who are frank
+and honest, chapter after chapter of information like this will burst
+forth upon the eye of the surprised and delighted reader.
+
+Society at the time of the discovery of the blank-verse Indian of
+America was crude. Hudson's arrival, of course, among older citizens
+soon called out those who desired his acquaintance, but he noticed that
+club life was not what it has since become, especially Indian club life.
+
+[Illustration: CLUB LIFE IN EARLY NEW YORK.]
+
+He found a nation whose regular job was war and whose religion was the
+ever-present prayer that they might eat the heart of their enemy plain.
+
+The Indian High School and Young Ladies' Seminary captured by Columbus,
+as shown in the pictures of his arrival at home and his presentation to
+the royal pair one hundred and seventeen years before this, it is said,
+brought a royal flush to the face of King Ferdie, who had been well
+brought up.
+
+This can be readily understood when we remember that the Indian wore at
+court a court plaster, a parlor-lamp-shade in stormy weather, made of
+lawn grass, or a surcingle of front teeth.
+
+They were shown also in all these paintings as graceful and beautiful in
+figure; but in those days when the Pocahontas girls went barefooted till
+the age of eighty-nine years, chewed tobacco, kept Lent all winter and
+then ate a brace of middle-aged men for Easter, the figure must have
+been affected by this irregularity of meals.
+
+[Illustration: THE INDIAN GIRL OF STORY.]
+
+[Illustration: THE INDIAN GIRL OF FACT.]
+
+Unless the Pocahontas of the present day has fallen off sadly in her
+carriage and beauty, to be saved from death by her, as Smith was, and
+feel that she therefore had a claim on him, must have given one nervous
+prostration, paresis, and insomnia.
+
+The Indian and the white race never really united or amalgamated outside
+of Canada. The Indian has always held aloof from us, and even as late
+as Sitting Bull's time that noted cavalry officer said to the author
+that the white people who simply came over in the Mayflower could not
+marry into his family on that ground. He wanted to know why they _had
+to_ come over in the Mayflower.
+
+[Illustration: BILL NYE CONVERSING WITH SITTING BULL.]
+
+"We were here," said the aged warrior, as he stole a bacon-rind which I
+used for lubricating my saw, and ate it thoughtfully, "we were here and
+helped Adam 'round up' and brand his animals. We are an old family, and
+never did manual labor. We are just as poor and proud and indolent as
+those who are of noble blood. We know we are of noble blood because we
+have to take sarsaparilla all the time. We claim to come by direct
+descent from Job, of whom the inspired writer says,--
+
+  "Old Job he was a fine young lad,
+      Sing Glory hallelujah.
+  His heart was good, but his blood was bad,
+      Sing Glory hallelujah."[3]
+
+
+[Footnote 3: This is a stanza from the works of Dempster Winterbottom
+Woodworth, M.D., of Ellsworth, Pierce County, Wisconsin, author of the
+"Diary of Judge Pierce," and "Life and Times of Melancthon
+Klingensmith." The thanks of the author are also due to Baldy Sowers for
+a loaned copy of "How to Keep up a Pleasing Correspondence without
+Conveying Information," 8vo, bevelled boards, published by Public
+Printer.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+THE DUTCH AT NEW AMSTERDAM.
+
+
+Soon after the discovery of the Hudson, Dutch ships began to visit that
+region, to traffic in furs with the Indians. Some huts were erected by
+these traders on Manhattan Island in 1613, and a trading-post was
+established in 1615. Relics of these times are frequently turned up yet
+on Broadway while putting in new pipes, or taking out old pipes, or
+repairing other pipes, or laying plans for yet other pipes, or looking
+in the earth to see that the original pipes have not been taken away.
+
+Afterwards the West India Company obtained a grant of New Netherland,
+and New Amsterdam was fairly started. In 1626, Minuit, the first
+governor, arrived, and, as we have stated, purchased the entire city of
+New York of the Indians for twenty-four dollars.
+
+Then trouble sprang up between the Dutch and the Swedes on the Delaware
+over the possession of Manhattan, and when the two tribes got to
+conversing with each other over their rights, using the mother-tongue on
+both sides, it reminded one of the Chicago wheat market when business
+is good. The English on the Connecticut also saw that Manhattan was
+going to boom as soon as the Indians could be got farther west, and that
+property would be high there.
+
+[Illustration: STUYVESANT'S VISION.]
+
+Peter Stuyvesant was the last Dutch governor of New York. He was a
+relative of mine. He disliked the English very much. They annoyed him
+with their democratic ideas and made his life a perfect hell to him. He
+would be sorry to see the way our folks have since begun to imitate the
+English. I can almost see him rising in his grave to note how the
+Stuyvesants in full cry pursue the affrighted anise-seed bag, or with
+their coaching outfits go tooling along 'cross country, stopping at the
+inns on the way and unlimbering their portable bath-tubs to check them
+with the "clark."
+
+Pete, you did well to die early. You would not have been happy here now.
+
+While Governor Stuyvesant was in hot water with the English, the Swedes,
+and the Indians, a fleet anchored in the harbor and demanded the
+surrender of the place in the name of the Duke of York, who wished to
+use it for a game preserve. After a hot fight with his council, some of
+whom were willing even then to submit to English rule and hoped that the
+fleet might have two or three suits of tweed which by mistake were a fit
+and therefore useless to the owners, and that they might succeed in
+swapping furs for these, the governor yielded, and in 1664 New York
+became a British possession, named as above.
+
+The English governors, however, were not popular. They were mostly
+political hacks who were pests at home and banished to New York, where
+the noise of the streets soon drove them to drink. For nine years this
+sort of thing went on, until one day a Dutch fleet anchored near the
+Staten Island brewery and in the evening took the town.
+
+However, in the year following, peace was restored between England and
+Holland, and New Amsterdam became New York again, also subject to the
+Tammany rule.
+
+Andros was governor for a time, but was a sort of pompous tomtit, with a
+short breath and a large aquiline opinion of himself. He was one of the
+arrogant old pie-plants whose growth was fostered by the beetle-bellied
+administration at home. He went back on board the City of Rome one day,
+and did not return.
+
+New York had a gleam of hope for civil freedom under the rule of the
+Duke of York and the county Democracy, but when the duke became James
+II. he was just like other people who get a raise of salary, and refused
+to be privately entertained by the self-made ancestry of the American.
+
+He was proud and arrogant to a degree. He forbade legislation, and
+stopped his paper. New York was at this time annexed to the New England
+Colony, and began keeping the Sabbath so vigorously that the angels had
+great difficulty in getting at it.
+
+[Illustration: DUKE OF YORK.]
+
+Nicholson, who was the lieutenant tool of iniquity for Andros, fled with
+him when democracy got too hot for them. Captain Leisler, supported by
+Steve Brodie and everything south of the Harlem, but bitterly opposed by
+the aristocracy, who were distinguished by their ability to use new
+goods in making their children's clothes, whereas the democracy had to
+make vests for the boys from the cast-off trousers of their fathers,
+governed the province until Governor Sloughter arrived.
+
+Sloughter was another imported Smearkase in official life, and arrested
+Leisler at the request of an aristocrat who drove a pair of bang-tail
+horses up and down Nassau Street on pleasant afternoons and was
+afterwards collector of the port. Having arrested Leisler for treason,
+the governor was a little timid about executing him, for he had never
+really killed a man in his life, and he hated the sight of blood; so
+Leisler's enemies got the governor to take dinner with them, and mixed
+his rum, so that when he got ready to speak, his remarks were somewhat
+heterogeneous, and before he went home he had signed a warrant for
+Leisler's immediate execution.
+
+[Illustration: GOVERNOR SLOUGHTER'S PAINFUL AWAKENING.]
+
+When he awoke in the morning at his beautiful home on Whitehall Street,
+the sun was gayly glinting the choppy waves of Buttermilk Channel, and
+by his watch, which had run down, he saw that it was one o'clock, but
+whether it was one o'clock A.M. or P.M. he did not know, nor whether it
+was next Saturday or Tuesday before last. Oh, how he must have felt!
+
+His room was dark, the gas having gone out to get better air. He
+attempted to rise, but a chill, a throb, a groan, and back he lay
+hastily on the bed just as it was on the point of escaping him. Suddenly
+a thought came to him. It was not a great thought, but it was such a
+thought as comes to those who have been thoughtless. He called for a
+blackamoor slave from abroad who did chores for him, and ordered a
+bottle of cooking brandy, then some club soda he had brought from London
+with him. Next he drank a celery-glass of it, and after that he felt
+better. He then drank another.
+
+"Keep out of the way of this bed, Julius," he said. "It is coming around
+that way again. Step to one side, Julius, please, and let the bed walk
+around and stretch its legs. I never saw a bed spread itself so," he
+continued, seeming to enjoy his own Lancashire humor. "All night I
+seemed to feel a great pain creeping over me, Julius," he said,
+hesitatingly, again filling his celery-glass, "but I see now that it was
+a counterpane."
+
+Eighty years after that, Sloughter was a corpse.
+
+We should learn from this not to be too hasty in selecting our
+birthplaces. Had he been born in America, he might have been alive yet.
+
+From this on the struggles of the people up to the time of the
+Revolution were enough to mortify the reader almost to death. I will not
+go over them again. It was the history of all the other Colonies; poor,
+proud, with large masses of children clustering about, and Indians
+lurking in the out-buildings. The mother-country was negligent, and even
+cruel. Her political offscourings were sent to rule the people. The
+cranberry-crops soured on the vines, and times were very scarce.
+
+It was during this period that Captain William Kidd, a New York
+ship-master and anti-snapper from Mulberry Street, was sent out to
+overtake and punish a few of the innumerable pirates who then infested
+the high seas.
+
+Studying first the character, life, and public services of the immoral
+pirate, and being perfectly foot-loose, his wife having eloped with her
+family physician, he determined to take a little whirl at the business
+himself, hoping thereby to escape the noise and heat of New York and
+obtain a livelihood while life lasted which would maintain him the
+remainder of his days unless death overtook him.
+
+[Illustration: NYE AS A BOY READING ABOUT KIDD.]
+
+Dropping off at Boston one day to secure a supply of tobacco, he was
+captured while watching the vast number of street-cars on Washington
+Street. He was taken to England, where he was tried and ultimately
+hanged. His sudden and sickening death did much to discourage an
+American youth of great brilliancy who had up to 1868 intended to be a
+pirate, but who, stumbling across the "Life and Times of Captain Kidd,
+and his Awful Death," changed his whole course and became one of the
+ablest historians of the age in which he lived.
+
+[Illustration: CAPTAIN KIDD ARRESTED.]
+
+This should teach us to read the papers instead of loaning them to
+people who do not subscribe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     Since the above was written, the account of the death of Governor
+     Andros is flashed across the wires to us. _Verbum sap._ Also _In
+     hoc signo vinces_.
+
+     The author wishes to express by this means his grateful
+     acknowledgments to his friends and the public generally for the
+     great turn-out and general sympathy bestowed upon his relative, the
+     late Peter B. Stuyvesant, on the sad occasion of his funeral, which
+     was said to be one of the best attended and most successful
+     funerals before the war. Should any of his friends be caught in the
+     same fix, the author will not only cheerfully turn out himself, but
+     send all hands from his place that can be spared, also a six-seated
+     wagon and a side-bar buggy.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+SETTLEMENT OF THE MIDDLE STATES.
+
+
+The present State of New Jersey was a part of New Netherland, and the
+Dutch had a trading-post at Bergen as early as 1618. After New
+Netherland passed into the hands of the Dutch, the Duke of York gave the
+land lying between the Hudson and the Delaware to Lord Berkeley and Sir
+George Carteret for Christmas.
+
+[Illustration: BERKELEY IN NEW JERSEY.]
+
+The first permanent English settlement made in the State was at
+Elizabethtown, named so in honor of Sir George's first wife.
+
+Berkeley sold his part to some English Quakers. This part was called
+West Jersey. He claimed that it was too far from town. It was very hard
+for a lord to clear up land, and Berkeley missed his evenings at the
+Savage Club, and his nose yearned for a good whiff of real old Rotten
+Row fog.
+
+So many disputes arose regarding the title to Jersey that the whole
+thing finally reverted to the crown in 1702. When there was any trouble
+over titles in those days it was always settled by letting it revert to
+the crown. It has been some years now, however, since that has happened
+in this country.
+
+Thirty-six years later New Jersey was set apart as a separate royal
+province, and became a railroad terminus and bathing-place.
+
+Delaware was settled by the Swedes at Wilmington first, and called New
+Sweden. I am surprised that the Norsemen, who it is claimed made the
+first and least expensive summer at Newport, R. I., should not have
+clung to it.
+
+[Illustration: CHEAPEST NEWPORT SEASON.]
+
+They could have made a good investment, and in a few years would have
+been strong enough to wipe out the Brooklyn police.
+
+The Swedes, too, had a good foothold in New York, Jersey, and Delaware,
+also a start in Pennsylvania. But the two nations seemed to yearn for
+home, and as soon as boats began to run regularly to Stockholm and
+Christiania, they returned. In later years they discovered Minneapolis
+and Stillwater.
+
+William Penn now loomed up on the horizon. He was an English Quaker who
+had been expelled from Oxford and jugged in Cork also for his religious
+belief. He was the son of Admiral Sir William Penn, and had a good
+record. He believed that elocutionary prayer was unnecessary, and that
+the acoustics of heaven were such that the vilest sinner with no
+voice-culture could be heard in the remotest portion of the gallery.
+
+The only thing that has been said against Penn with any sort of
+semblance of truth was that he had some influence with James II. The
+Duke of York also stood in with Penn, and used to go about in England
+bailing William out whenever he was jailed on account of his religious
+belief.
+
+Penn was quite a writer (see Appendix). He was the author of "No Cross,
+No Crown," "Innocency with her Open Face," and "The Great Cause of
+Liberty of Conscience."
+
+From his father he had inherited a claim against the government for
+sixteen thousand pounds, probably arrears of pension. He finally
+received the State of Pennsylvania as payment of the claim. The western
+boundary took in the Cliff House and Seal Rocks of San Francisco.
+
+Penn came to America in 1682 and bought his land over again from the
+Indians. It is not strange that he got the best terms he could out of
+the Indians, but still it is claimed that they were satisfied, therefore
+he did not cheat them.
+
+The Indian, as will be noticed by reading these pages thoughtfully, was
+never a Napoleon of finance. He is that way down to the present day. If
+you watch him carefully and notice his ways, you can dicker with him to
+better advantage than you can with Russell Sage.
+
+Take the Indian just before breakfast after two or three nights of
+debauchery, and offer him a jug of absinthe with a horned toad in it for
+his pony and saddle, and you will get them. Even in his more sober and
+thoughtful moments you can swap a suit of red medicated flannels with
+him for a farm.
+
+Penn gathered about him many different kinds of people, with various
+sorts and shades of belief. Some were Free-Will and some were
+Hard-Shell, some were High-Church and reminded one of a Masonic Lodge
+working at 32 deg., while others were Low-Church and omitted crossing
+themselves frequently while putting down a new carpet in the chancel.
+
+[Illustration: A FEW OF PENN'S PEOPLE.]
+
+But he was too well known at court, and suspected of knowledge of and
+participation in some of the questionable acts of King James, so that
+after the latter's dethronement, and an intimation that Penn had
+communicated with the exiled monarch, Penn was deprived of his title to
+Pennsylvania, for which he had twice paid.
+
+Penn was a constant sufferer at the hands of his associates, who sought
+to injure him in every way. He rounded out a life of suffering by
+marrying the second time in 1695.
+
+In 1708 he was on the verge of bankruptcy, owing to the villany and
+mismanagement of his agent, and was thrown into Fleet Street Prison, a
+jail in which he had never before been confined. His health gave way
+afterwards, and this remarkable man died July 30, 1718.
+
+Philadelphia was founded in 1683 and work begun on a beautiful building
+known as the City Hall. Work has steadily progressed on this building
+from time to time since then, and at this writing it is so near
+completion as to give promise of being one of the most perfect
+architectural jobs ever done by the hand of man.
+
+In two years Philadelphia had sprung from a wilderness, where the rank
+thistle nodded in the wind, to a town of over two thousand people,
+exclusive of Indians not taxed. In three years it had gained more than
+New York had in fifty years. This was due to the fact that the people
+who came to Philadelphia had nothing to fear but the Indians, while
+settlers in New York had not only the Indians to defend themselves
+against, but the police also.
+
+Penn and his followers established the great law that no one who
+believed in Almighty God should be molested in his religious belief.
+Even the Indians liked Penn, and when the nights were cold they would
+come and crawl into his bed and sleep with him all night and not kill
+him at all. The Great Chief of the Tribes, even, did not feel above
+this, and the two used frequently to lie and talk for hours, Penn doing
+the talking and the chief doing the lying.
+
+It is said that, with all the Indian massacres and long wars between the
+red men and the white, no drop of Quaker blood was ever shed. I quote
+this from an historian who is much older than I, and with whom I do not
+wish to have any controversy.
+
+After Penn's death his heirs ran the Colony up to 1779, when they
+disposed of it for five hundred thousand dollars or thereabouts, and the
+State became the proprietor.
+
+[Illustration: PENN AND THE BIG CHIEF.]
+
+The seventeenth century must have been a very disagreeable period for
+people who professed religion, for America from Newfoundland to Florida
+was dotted with little settlements almost entirely made up of people who
+had escaped from England to secure religious freedom at the risk of
+their lives.
+
+In 1634 the first settlement was made by young Lord Baltimore, whose
+people, the Catholics, were fleeing from England to obtain freedom to
+worship God as they believed to be right. Thus the Catholics were added
+to the list of religious refugees,--viz., the Huguenots, the Puritans,
+the Walloons, the Quakers, the Presbyterians, the Whigs, and the Menthol
+Healers.
+
+Terra Mariae, or Maryland, was granted to Lord Baltimore, as the
+successor of his father, who had begun before his death the movement for
+settling his people in America. The charter gave to all freemen a voice
+in making the laws. Among the first laws passed was one giving to every
+human being upon payment of poll-tax the right to worship freely
+according to the dictates of his own conscience. America thus became the
+refuge for those who had any peculiarity of religious belief, until
+to-day no doubt more varieties of religion may be found here than almost
+anywhere else in the world.
+
+In 1635 the Virginia Colony and Lord Baltimore had some words over the
+boundaries between the Jamestown and Maryland Colonies. Clayborne was
+the Jamestown man who made the most trouble. He had started a couple of
+town sites on the Maryland tract, plotted them, and sold lots to
+Yorkshire tenderfeet, and so when Lord Baltimore claimed the lands
+Clayborne attacked him, and there was a running skirmish for several
+years, till at last the Rebellion collapsed in 1645 and Clayborne fled.
+
+The Protestants now held the best hand, and outvoted the Catholics, so
+up to 1691 there was a never-dying fight between the two, which must
+have been entertaining to the unregenerate outsider who was taxed to pay
+for a double set of legislators. This fight between the Catholics and
+Protestants shows that intolerance is not confined to a monarchy.
+
+In 1715 the fourth Lord Baltimore recovered the government by the aid of
+the police, and religious toleration was restored. Maryland remained
+under this system of government until the Revolution, which will be
+referred to later on in the most thrilling set of original pictures and
+word-paintings that the reader has ever met with.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUESTIONS FOR EXAMINATION.
+
+     _Q._ Who was William Penn?
+
+     _A._ He founded Pennsylvania.
+
+     _Q._ Was he a great fighter?
+
+     _A._ No. He was a peaceable man, and did not believe in killing men
+     or fighting.
+
+     _Q._ Would he have fought for a purse of forty thousand dollars?
+
+     _A._ No. He could do better buying coal lands of the Indians.
+
+     _Q._ What is religious freedom?
+
+     _A._ It is the art of giving intolerance a little more room.
+
+     _Q._ Who was Lord Baltimore?
+
+     _A._ See foregoing chapter.
+
+     _Q._ What do you understand by rebellion?
+
+     _A._ It is an unsuccessful attempt by armed subjects to overcome
+     the parent government.
+
+     _Q._ Is it right or wrong?
+
+     _A._ I do not know, but will go and inquire.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+THE EARLY ARISTOCRACY.
+
+
+Lord Clarendon and several other noblemen in 1663 obtained from Charles
+II. a grant of lands lying south of Virginia which they called Carolina
+in honor of the king, whose name was not really Carolina. Possibly that
+was his middle name, however, or his name in Latin.
+
+The Albemarle Colony was first on the ground. Then there was a Carteret
+Colony in 1670. They "removed the ancient groves covered with yellow
+jessamine" on the Ashley, and began to build on the present site of
+Charleston.
+
+The historian remarks that the growth of this Colony was rapid from the
+first. The Dutch, dissatisfied with the way matters were conducted in
+New York, and worn out when shopping by the ennui and impudence of the
+salesladies, came to Charleston in large numbers, and the Huguenots in
+Charleston found a hearty Southern welcome, and did their trading there
+altogether.
+
+We now pass on to speak of the Grand Model which was set up as a
+five-cent aristocracy by Lord Shaftesbury and the great philosopher
+John Locke. The canebrakes and swamps of the wild and snake-infested
+jungles of the wilderness were to be divided into vast estates, over
+which were proprietors with hereditary titles and outing flannels.
+
+This scheme recognized no rights of self-government whatever, and denied
+the very freedom which the people came there in search of. So there were
+murmurings among those people who had not brought their finger-bowls and
+equerries with them.
+
+[Illustration: ARISTOCRACY SNUBBED.]
+
+In short, aristocracy did not do well on this soil. Baronial castles,
+with hot and cold water in them, were often neglected, because the
+colonists would not forsake their own lands to the thistle and
+blue-nosed brier in order to come and cook victuals for the baronial
+castles or sweep out the baronial halls and wax the baronial floors for
+a journeyman juke who ate custard pie with a knife and drank tea from
+his saucer through a King Charles moustache.
+
+Thus the aristocracy was forced to close its doors, and the arms of Lord
+Shaftesbury were so humiliated that he could no longer put up his dukes
+(see Appendix).
+
+There had also been a great deal of friction between the Albemarle or
+Carteret and the Charleston set, the former being from Virginia, while
+the latter was, as we have seen, a little given to kindergarten
+aristocracy and ofttimes tripped up on their parade swords while at the
+plough. Of course outside of this were the plebeian people, or
+copperas-culottes, who did the work; but Lord Shaftesbury for some time,
+as we have seen, lived in a baronial shed and had his arms worked on the
+left breast of his nighty.
+
+So these two Colonies finally became separate States in the Union,
+though there is yet something of the same feeling between the people.
+Wealthy people come to the mountains of North Carolina from South
+Carolina for the cool summer breezes of the Old North State, and have to
+pay two dollars per breeze even up to the past summer.
+
+Thus there was constant irritation and disgust up to 1729 at least,
+regarding taxes, rents, and rights, until, as the historian says, "the
+discouraged Proprietors ceded their rights to the crown."
+
+[Illustration: TWO DOLLARS PER BREEZE.]
+
+It will be noticed that the crown was well ceded by this time, and the
+poet's remark seems at this time far grander and more apropos than any
+language of the writer could be: so it is given here,--viz., "Uneasy
+lies the head that wears a seedy crown." (See Appendix.)
+
+The year of Washington's birth, viz., 1732, witnessed the birth of the
+baby colony of Georgia. James Oglethorpe, a kind-hearted man, with a
+wig that fooled more than one poor child of the forest, conceived the
+idea of founding a refuge for Englishmen who could not pay up. The laws
+were very arbitrary then, and harsh to a degree. Many were imprisoned
+then in England for debt, but those who visit London now will notice
+that they are at liberty.
+
+[Illustration: OGLETHORPE'S WIG.]
+
+Oglethorpe was an officer and a gentleman, and this scheme showed his
+generous nature and philanthropic disposition. George II. granted him in
+trust for the poor a tract of land called, in honor of the king,
+Georgie, which has recently been changed to Georgia. The enterprise
+prospered remarkably, and generous and charitable people aided it in
+every possible way. People who had not been able for years to pay their
+debts came to Georgia and bought large tracts of land or began
+merchandising with the Indians. Thousands of acres of rich cotton-lands
+were exchanged by the Indians for orders on the store, they giving
+warranty deeds to same, reserving only the rights of piscary and
+massacre.
+
+[Illustration: NOT PAID THEIR DEBTS FOR YEARS.]
+
+Oglethorpe got along with the Indians first-rate, and won their
+friendship. One great chief, having received a present from Oglethorpe
+consisting of a manicure set, on the following Christmas gave Oglethorpe
+a beautiful buffalo robe, on the inside of which were painted an eagle
+and a portable bath-tub, signifying, as the chief stated, that the
+buffalo was the emblem of strength, the eagle of swiftness, and the
+bath-tub the advertisement of cleanliness. "Thus," said the chief, "the
+English are strong as the buffalo, swift as the eagle, and love to
+convey the idea that they are just about to take a bath when you came
+and interrupted them."
+
+The Moravians also came to Georgia, and the Scotch Highlanders. On the
+arrival of the latter, the Georgia mosquitoes held a mass meeting, at
+which speeches were made, and songs sung, and resolutions adopted making
+the Highland uniform the approved costume for the entire coast during
+summer.
+
+[Illustration: THE MOSQUITOES LIKED THE COSTUME.]
+
+George Whitefield the eloquent, who often addressed audiences (even in
+those days, when advertising was still in its infancy and the advance
+agent was unheard of) of from five thousand to forty thousand people,
+founded an orphan asylum. One audience consisted of sixty thousand
+people. The money from this work all went to help and sustain the orphan
+asylum. While reading of him we are reminded of our own Dr. Talmage, who
+is said to be the wealthiest apostle on the road.
+
+The trustees of Georgia limited the size of a man's farm, did not allow
+women to inherit land, and forbade the importation of rum or of slaves.
+Several of these rules were afterwards altered, so that as late as 1893
+at least a gentleman from Washington, D.C., well known for his truth
+and honesty, saw rum inside the State twice, though Bourbon whiskey was
+preferred. Slaves also were found inside the State, and the negro is
+seen there even now; but the popularity of a negro baby is nothing now
+to what it was at the time when this class of goods went up to the top
+notch.
+
+Need I add that after a while the people became dissatisfied with these
+rules and finally the whole matter was ceded to the crown? From this
+time on Georgia remained a royal province up to the Revolution. Since
+that very little has been said about ceding it to the crown.
+
+North Carolina also remained an English colony up to the same period,
+and, though one of the original thirteen Colonies, is still far more
+sparsely settled than some of the Western States.
+
+Virginia Dare was the first white child born in America. She selected
+Roanoke, now in North Carolina, in August, 1587, as her birthplace. She
+was a grand-daughter of the Governor, John White. Her fate, like that of
+the rest of the colony, is unknown to this day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     The author begs leave to express his thanks here for the valuable
+     aid furnished him by the following works,--viz.: "The Horse and his
+     Diseases," by Mr. Astor; "Life and Times of John Oglethorpe," by
+     Elias G. Merritt; "How to Make the Garden Pay," by Peter Henderson;
+     "Over the Purple Hills," by Mrs. Churchill, of Denver, Colorado,
+     and "He Played on the Harp of a Thousand Strings, and the Spirits
+     of Just Men Made Perfect," by S. P. Avery.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+INTERCOLONIAL AND INDIAN WARS.
+
+
+Intercolonial and Indian wars furnished excitement now from 1689 into
+the early part of the eighteenth century. War broke out in Europe
+between the French and English, and the Colonies had to take sides, as
+did also the Indians.
+
+Canadians and Indians would come down into York State or New England,
+burn a town, tomahawk quite a number of people, then go back on
+snow-shoes, having entered the town on rubbers, like a decayed show with
+no printing.
+
+There was an attack on Haverhill in March, 1697, and a Mr. Dustin was at
+work in the field. He ran to his house and got his seven children ahead
+of him, while with his gun he protected their rear till he got them away
+safely. Mrs. Dustin, however, who ran back into the house to remove a
+pie from the oven as she feared it was burning, was captured, and, with
+a boy of the neighborhood, taken to an island in the Merrimac, where the
+Indians camped. At night she woke the boy, told him how to hit an Indian
+with a tomahawk so that "the subsequent proceedings would interest him
+no more," and that evening the two stole forth while the ten Indians
+slept, knocked in their thinks, scalped them to prove their story, and
+passed on to safety. Mrs. Dustin kept those scalps for many years,
+showing them to her friends to amuse them.
+
+King William's War lasted eight years. Queen Anne's War lasted from 1702
+to 1713. The brunt of this war fell on New England. Our forefathers had
+to live in block-houses, with barbed-wire fences around them, and carry
+their guns with them all the time. From planting the Indian with a
+shotgun, they soon got to planting their corn with the same agricultural
+instrument in the stony soil.
+
+The French and Spanish tried to take Charleston in 1706, but were
+repulsed with great loss, consisting principally of time which they
+might have employed in raising frogs' legs and tantalizing a bull at so
+much per tant.
+
+This war lasted eleven years, including stops, and was ended by the
+treaty of Utrecht (pronounced you-trecked).
+
+After this, what was called the Spanish War continued between England
+and Spain for some time. An attempt to capture Georgia was made, and a
+garrison established itself there, with good prospects of taking in the
+State under Spanish rule, but our able friend Oglethorpe, the Henry W.
+Grady of his time, managed to accidentally mislay a letter which fell
+into the enemy's hands, the contents of which showed that enormous
+reinforcements were expected at any moment. This was swallowed
+comfortably by the commander, who blew up his impregnable works, changed
+the address of his _Atlanta Constitution_, and sailed for home.
+
+Oglethorpe wore a wig, but was otherwise one of our greatest minds. It
+is said that anybody at a distance of two miles on a clear day could
+readily distinguish that it was a wig, and yet he died believing that no
+one had ever probed his great mystery and that his wig would rise with
+him at the playing of the last trump.
+
+[Illustration: BELIEVING HIS WIG WOULD RISE WITH HIM.]
+
+King George's War, which extended over four years, succeeded, but did
+not amount to anything except the capture of Cape Breton by English and
+Colonial troops. Cape Breton was called the Gibraltar of America; but a
+Yankee farmer who has raised flax on an upright farm for twenty years
+does not mind scaling a couple of Gibraltars before breakfast; so,
+without any West Point knowledge regarding engineering, they walked up
+the hill, and those who were alive when they got to the top took it. It
+was no Balaklava business and no dumb animal show, but simply revealed
+the fact that brave men fighting for their eight-dollar homes and a mass
+of children are disagreeable people to meet on the battle-field.
+
+The French and Indian War lasted nine years,--viz., from 1754 to 1763.
+From Quebec to New Orleans the French owned the land, and mixed up a
+good deal socially with the Indians, so that the slender settlement
+along the coast had arrayed against it this vast line of northern and
+western forts, and the Indians, who were mostly friendly with the
+French, united with them in several instances and showed them some new
+styles of barbarism which up to that time they had never known about.
+
+The half-breed is always half French and half Indian.
+
+The English owned all lands lying on one side of the Ohio, the French on
+the other, which led a great chief to make a P. P. C. call on Governor
+Dinwiddie, and during the conversation to inquire with some _naivete_
+where the Indian came in. No answer was ever received.
+
+We pause here to ask the question, Why did the pale-face usurp the lands
+of the Indians without remuneration? It was because the Indian was not
+orthodox. He may have been lazy from a Puritanical stand-point, and he
+may also have hunted on the twenty-seventh Sunday after Easter; but
+still was it not right that he should have received a dollar or two per
+county for the United States? No one would have felt it, and possibly it
+might have saved the lives of innocent people.
+
+_Verbum sap._, however, comes in here with peculiar appropriateness, and
+the massive-browed historian passes on.
+
+The French had three forts along in the Middle States, as they are now
+called, and Western Pennsylvania; and George Washington, of whom more
+will be said in the twelfth chapter, was sent to ask the French to
+remove these forts. He started at once.
+
+[Illustration: PLEASURE OF BEING ARRESTED IN PARIS.]
+
+The commanders were some of them arrogant, but the general, St. Pierre,
+treated him with great respect, refusing, however, to yield the ground
+discovered by La Salle and Marquette. The author had the pleasure of
+being arrested in Paris in 1889, and he feels of a truth, as he often
+does, that there can be no more polite people in the world than the
+French. Arrested under all circumstances and in many lands, the author
+can place his hand on his heart and say that he would go hundreds of
+miles to be arrested by a John Darm.
+
+Washington returned four hundred miles through every kind of danger,
+including a lunch at Altoona, where he stopped twenty minutes.
+
+The following spring Washington was sent under General Fry to drive out
+the French, who had started farming at Pittsburg. Fry died, and
+Washington took command. He liked it very much. After that Washington
+took command whenever he could, and soon rose to be a great man.
+
+The first expedition against Fort Duquesne (pronounced du-kane) was
+commanded by General Braddock, whose portrait we are able to give,
+showing him at the time he did not take Washington's advice in the
+Duquesne matter. Later we show him as he appeared after he had abandoned
+his original plans and immediately after not taking Washington's advice.
+
+[Illustration: GENERAL BRADDOCK SCORNING WASHINGTON'S ADVICE.]
+
+"The Indians," said Braddock, "may frighten Colonial troops, but they
+can make no impression on the king's regulars. We are alike impervious
+to fun or fear."
+
+Braddock thought of fighting the Indians by man[oe]uvring in large
+bodies, but the first body to be man[oe]uvred was that of General
+Braddock, who perished in about a minute.
+
+[Illustration: GENERAL BRADDOCK AFTER SCORNING WASHINGTON'S ADVICE.]
+
+We give the reader, above, an idea of Braddock's soldierly bearing after
+he had been man[oe]uvring a few times.
+
+It was then that Washington took command, as was his custom, and began
+to fight the Indians and French as one would hunt varmints in Virginia.
+
+Braddock's men fired by platoons into the trees and tore a few holes in
+the State line, but when most of the Colonial troops were dead the
+regulars presented their tournures to the foe and fled as far as
+Philadelphia, where they each took a bath and had some laundry-work
+done.
+
+General Forbes took command of the second expedition. He spent most of
+his time building roads.
+
+Time passed on, and Forbes built viaducts, conduits, culverts, and
+rustic bridges, till it was November, and they were yet fifty miles from
+the fort. He then decided to abandon the expedition, on account of the
+cold, and also fearing that he had not made all of his bridges wide
+enough so that he could take the captured fort home with him.
+
+Washington, however, though only an aidy kong of General Forbes, decided
+to take command. His mother had said to him over and over, "George, in
+an emergency always take command." He done so, as General Rusk would
+say. As he approached, the French set fire to the fort, and retreated,
+together with the Indians and Molly Maguires.
+
+Pittsburg now stands on this historic ground, and is one of the most
+delightful cities of America.
+
+Many other changes were going on at this time. The English got
+possession of Acadia and the French forts at the head of the Bay of
+Fundy.
+
+In 1757 General Loudon collected an army for an attack on Louisburg. He
+drilled his troops all summer, and then gave up the attack because he
+learned that the French had one more skiff than he had.
+
+The Loudons of America at the time of this writing are more quiet and
+sensible regarding their ancestry than any of the doodle-bug aristocracy
+of our promoted peasantry and the crested Yahoos of our cowboy republic.
+
+The Loudons--or Lowdowns--of America had a very large family. Some of
+them changed their names and moved.
+
+The next year after the _fox pass_ of General Loudon, Amherst and Wolfe
+took possession of the entire island.
+
+About the time of Braddock's justly celebrated expedition another
+started out for Crown Point. The French, under Dieskau (pronounced
+dees-kow), met the army composed of Colonial troops in plain clothes,
+together with the regular troops led by officers with drawn swords and
+overdrawn salaries. The regular general, seeing that the battle was
+lost, excused himself and retired to his tent, owing to an ingrowing
+nail which had annoyed him all day. Lyman, the Colonial officer now took
+command, and wrung victory from the reluctant jaws of defeat. For this
+Johnson, the English general, received twenty-five thousand dollars and
+a baronetcy, while Lyman received a plated butter-dish and a bass-wood
+what-not. But Lyman was a married man, and had learned to take things as
+they came.
+
+Four months prior to the capture of Duquesne, one thousand boats loaded
+with soldiers, each with a neat little lunch-basket and a little flag to
+wave when they hurrahed for the good kind man at the head of the
+picnic,--viz., General Abercrombie,--sailed down Lake George to get a
+whiff of fresh air and take Ticonderoga.
+
+When they arrived, General Abercrombie took out a small book regarding
+tactics which he had bought on the boat, and, after refreshing his
+memory, ordered an assault. He then went back to see how his rear was,
+and, finding it all right, he went back still farther, to see if no one
+had been left behind.
+
+[Illustration: ABERCROMBIE WENT BACK TO THE REAR.]
+
+Abercrombie never forgot or overlooked any one. He wanted all of his
+pleasure-party to be where they could see the fight.
+
+In that way he missed it himself. I would hate to miss a fight that way.
+
+The Abercrombies of America mostly trace their ancestry back by a
+cut-off avoiding the general's line.
+
+Niagara had an expedition sent against it at the time of Braddock's
+trip. The commander was General Shirley, but he ran out of money while
+at the Falls and decided to return. This post did not finally surrender
+till 1759.
+
+This gave the then West to the English. They had tried for one hundred
+and forty years to civilize it, but, alas, with only moderate success.
+Prosperous and happy even while sniping in their fox-hunting or
+canvas-back-duck clothes, these people feel somewhat soothed for their
+lack of culture because they are well-to-do.
+
+In 1759 General Wolfe anchored off Quebec with his fleet and sent a boy
+up town to ask if there were any letters for him at the post-office,
+also asking at what time it would be convenient to evacuate the place.
+The reply came back from General Montcalm, an able French general, that
+there was no mail for the general, but if Wolfe was dissatisfied with
+the report he might run up personally and look over the W's.
+
+Wolfe did so, taking his troops up by an unknown cow-path on the off
+side of the mountain during the night, and at daylight stood in
+battle-array on the Plains of Abraham. An attack was made by Montcalm
+as soon as he got over his wonder and surprise. At the third fire Wolfe
+was fatally wounded, and as he was carried back to the rear he heard
+some one exclaim,--
+
+"They run! They run!"
+
+"Who run?" inquired Wolfe.
+
+"The French! The French!" came the reply.
+
+"Now God be praised," said Wolfe, "I die happy."
+
+Montcalm had a similar experience. He was fatally wounded. "They run!
+They run!" he heard some one say.
+
+"Who run?" exclaimed Montcalm, wetting his lips with a lemonade-glass of
+cognac.
+
+"We do," replied the man.
+
+"Then so much the better," said Montcalm, as his eye lighted up, "for I
+shall not live to see Quebec surrendered."
+
+This shows what can be done without a rehearsal; also how the historian
+has to control himself in order to avoid lying.
+
+The death of these two brave men is a beautiful and dramatic incident in
+the history of our country, and should be remembered by every
+school-boy, because neither lived to write articles criticising the
+other.
+
+Five days later the city capitulated. An attempt was made to recapture
+it, but it was not successful. Canada fell into the hands of the
+English, and from the open Polar Sea to the Mississippi the English flag
+floated.
+
+What an empire!
+
+What a game-preserve!
+
+Florida was now ceded to the already cedy crown of England by Spain, and
+brandy-and-soda for the wealthy and bitter beer became the drink of the
+poor.
+
+[Illustration: REMAINED BY IT TILL DEATH.]
+
+Pontiac's War was brought on by the Indians, who preferred the French
+occupation to that of the English. Pontiac organized a large number of
+tribes on the spoils plan, and captured eight forts. He killed a great
+many people, burned their dwellings, and drove out many more, but at
+last his tribes made trouble, as there were not spoils enough to go
+around, and his army was conquered. He was killed in 1769 by an Indian
+who received for his trouble a barrel of liquor, with which he began to
+make merry. He remained by the liquor till death came to his relief.
+
+The heroism of an Indian who meets his enemy single-handed in that way,
+and, though greatly outnumbered, dies with his face to the foe, is
+deserving of more than a passing notice.
+
+The French and Indian War cost the Colonists sixteen million dollars, of
+which the English repaid only five million. The Americans lost thirty
+thousand men, none of whom were replaced. They suffered every kind of
+horror and barbarity, written and unwritten, and for years their taxes
+were two-thirds of their income; and yet they did not murmur.
+
+These were the fathers and mothers of whom we justly brag. These were
+the people whose children we are. What are inherited titles and ancient
+names many times since dishonored, compared with the heritage of
+uncomplaining suffering and heroism which we boast of to-day because
+those modest martyrs were working people, proud that by the sweat of
+their brows they wrung from a niggardly soil the food they ate, proud
+also that they could leave the plough to govern or to legislate, able
+also to survey a county or rule a nation.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+PERSONALITY OF WASHINGTON.
+
+
+It would seem that a few personal remarks about George Washington at
+this point might not be out of place. Later on his part in this history
+will more fully appear.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The author points with some pride to a study of Washington's great act
+in crossing the Delaware, from a wax-work of great accuracy. The reader
+will avoid confusing Washington with the author, who is dressed in a
+plaid suit and on the shore, while Washington may be seen in this end of
+the boat with the air of one who has just discovered the location of a
+glue-factory on the side of the river.
+
+A directory of Washington's head-quarters has been arranged by the
+author of this book, and at a reunion of the general's body-servants to
+be held in the future the work will be on sale.
+
+The name of George Washington has always had about it a glamour that
+made him appear more in the light of a god than a tall man with large
+feet and a mouth made to fit an old-fashioned full-dress pumpkin pie.
+
+[Illustration: STUDY OF WASHINGTON CROSSING THE DELAWARE.]
+
+[Illustration: MY GREATEST WORK.]
+
+George Washington's face has beamed out upon us for many years now, on
+postage-stamps and currency, in marble and plaster and in bronze, in
+photographs of original portraits, paintings, and stereoscopic views. We
+have seen him on horseback and on foot, on the war-path and on skates,
+playing the flute, cussing his troops for their shiftlessness, and then,
+in the solitude of the forest, with his snorting war-horse tied to a
+tree, engaged in prayer.
+
+We have seen all these pictures of George, till we are led to believe
+that he did not breathe our air or eat American groceries. But George
+Washington was not perfect. I say this after a long and careful study of
+his life, and I do not say it to detract the very smallest iota from the
+proud history of the Father of his Country. I say it simply that the
+boys of America who want to become George Washingtons will not feel so
+timid about trying it.
+
+[Illustration: WASHINGTON PLAYING THE FLUTE.]
+
+When I say that George Washington, who now lies so calmly in the
+lime-kiln at Mount Vernon, could reprimand and reproach his
+subordinates, at times, in a way to make the ground crack open and
+break up the ice in the Delaware a week earlier than usual, I do not
+mention it in order to show the boys of our day that profanity will make
+them resemble George Washington. That was one of his weak points, and no
+doubt he was ashamed of it, as he ought to have been. Some poets think
+that if they get drunk and stay drunk they will resemble Edgar A. Poe
+and George D. Prentice. There are lawyers who play poker year after year
+and get regularly skinned because they have heard that some of the able
+lawyers of the past century used to come home at night with poker-chips
+in their pockets.
+
+Whiskey will not make a poet, nor poker a great pleader. And yet I have
+seen poets who relied on the potency of their breath, and lawyers who
+knew more of the habits of a bobtail flush than they ever did of the
+statutes in such case made and provided.
+
+[Illustration: THE AWKWARD SQUAD.]
+
+George Washington was always ready. If you wanted a man to be first in
+war, you could call on George. If you desired an adult who would be
+first baseman in time of peace, Mr. Washington could be telephoned at
+any hour of the day or night. If you needed a man to be first in the
+hearts of his countrymen, George's post-office address was at once
+secured.
+
+Though he was a great man, he was once a poor boy. How often you hear
+that in America! Here it is a positive disadvantage to be born wealthy.
+And yet sometimes I wish they had experimented a little that way on me.
+I do not ask now to be born rich, of course, because it is too late; but
+it seems to me that, with my natural good sense and keen insight into
+human nature, I could have struggled along under the burdens and cares
+of wealth with great success. I do not care to die wealthy, but if I
+could have been born wealthy it seems to me I would have been tickled
+almost to death.
+
+I love to believe that true greatness is not accidental. To think and to
+say that greatness is a lottery, is pernicious. Man may be wrong
+sometimes in his judgment of others, both individually and in the
+aggregate, but he who gets ready to be a great man will surely find the
+opportunity.
+
+You will wonder whom I got to write this sentiment for me, but you will
+never find out.
+
+In conclusion, let me say that George Washington was successful for
+three reasons. One was that he never shook the confidence of his
+friends. Another was that he had a strong will without being a mule.
+Some people cannot distinguish between being firm and being a big blue
+donkey.
+
+Another reason why Washington is loved and honored to-day is that he
+died before we had a chance to get tired of him. This is greatly
+superior to the method adopted by many modern statesmen, who wait till
+their constituency weary of them, and then reluctantly pass away.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     N. B.--Since writing the foregoing I have found that Washington was
+     not born a poor boy,--a discovery which redounds greatly to his
+     credit,--that he was able to accomplish so much, and yet could get
+     his weekly spending money and sport a French nurse in his extreme
+     youth.
+                                                              B. N.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+CONTRASTS WITH THE PRESENT DAY.
+
+
+Here it may be well to speak briefly of the contrast between the usages
+and customs of the period preceding the Revolution, and the present day.
+Some of these customs and regulations have improved with the lapse of
+time, others undoubtedly have not.
+
+Two millions of people constituted the entire number of whites, while
+away to the westward the red brother extended indefinitely. Religiously
+they were Protestants, and essentially they were "a God-fearing people."
+Taught to obey a power they were afraid of, they naturally turned with
+delight to the service of a God whose genius in the erection of a
+boundless and successful hell challenged their admiration and esteem.
+So, too, their own executions of Divine laws were successful as they
+gave pain, and the most beautiful features of Christianity,--namely,
+love and charity,--according to history, were not cultivated very much.
+
+There were in New England at one time twelve offences punishable with
+death, and in Virginia seventeen. This would indicate that the
+death-penalty is getting unpopular very fast, and that in the contiguous
+future humane people will wonder why murder should have called for
+murder, in this brainy, charitable, and occult age, in which man seems
+almost able to pry open the future and catch a glimpse of Destiny
+underneath the great tent that has heretofore held him off by means of
+death's prohibitory rates.
+
+[Illustration: THE TOWN WATCHMAN.]
+
+In Hartford people had to get up when the town watchman rang his bell.
+The affairs of the family, and private matters too numerous to mention,
+were regulated by the selectmen. The catalogues of Harvard and Yale were
+regulated according to the standing of the family as per record in the
+old country, and not as per bust measurement and merit, as it is to-day.
+
+Scolding women, however, were gagged and tied to their front doors, so
+that the populace could bite its thumb at them, and hired girls received
+fifty dollars a year, with the understanding that they were not to have
+over two days out each week, except Sunday and the days they had to go
+and see their "sick sisters."
+
+Some cloth-weaving was indulged in, and homespun was the principal
+material used for clothing. Mrs. Washington had sixteen spinning-wheels
+in her house. Her husband often wore homespun while at home, and on
+rainy days sometimes placed a pair of home-made trousers of the
+barn-door variety in the Presidential chair.
+
+Money was very scarce, and ammunition very valuable. In 1635
+musket-balls passed for farthings, and to see a New England peasant
+making change with the red brother at thirty yards was a common and
+delightful scene.
+
+The first press was set up in Cambridge in 1639, with the statement that
+it "had come to stay." Books printed in those days were mostly sermons
+filled with the most comfortable assurance that the man who let loose
+his intellect and allowed it to disbelieve some very difficult things
+would be essentially----well, I hate to say right here in a book what
+would happen to him.
+
+[Illustration: BOOKS FILLED WITH ASSURANCES OF FUTURE DAMNATION.]
+
+The first daily paper, called _The Federal Orrery_, was issued three
+hundred years after Columbus discovered America. It was not popular,
+and killed off the news-boys who tried to call it on the streets: so it
+perished.
+
+There was a public library in New York, from which books were loaned at
+fourpence ha'penny per week. New York thus became very early the seat of
+learning, and soon afterwards began to abuse the site where Chicago now
+stands.
+
+Travel was slow, the people went on horseback or afoot, and when they
+could go by boat it was regarded as a success. Wagons finally made the
+trip from New York to Philadelphia in the wild time of forty-eight
+hours, and the line was called The Flying Dutchman, or some other
+euphonious name. Benjamin Franklin, whose biography occurs in Chapter
+XV., was then Postmaster-General.
+
+He was the first bald-headed man of any prominence in the history of
+America. He and his daughter Sally took a trip in a chaise, looking over
+the entire system, and going to all offices. Nothing pleased the
+Postmaster-General like quietly slipping into a place like Sandy Bottom
+and catching the postmaster reading over the postal cards and committing
+them to memory.
+
+Calfskin shoes up to the Revolution were the exclusive property of the
+gentry, and the rest wore cowhide and were extremely glad to mend them
+themselves. These were greased every week with tallow, and could be worn
+on either foot with impunity. Rights and lefts were never thought of
+until after the Revolutionary War, but to-day the American shoe is the
+most symmetrical, comfortable, and satisfactory shoe made in the world.
+The British shoe is said to be more comfortable. Possibly for a British
+foot it is so, but for a foot containing no breathing-apparatus or
+viscera it is somewhat roomy and clumsy.
+
+[Illustration: CAUGHT BY FRANKLIN READING POSTAL CARDS.]
+
+Farmers and laborers of those days wore green or red baize in the shape
+of jackets, and their breeches were made of leather or bed-ticking. Our
+ancestors dressed plainly, and a man who could not make over two
+hundred pounds per year was prohibited from dressing up or wearing lace
+worth over two shillings per yard. It was a pretty sad time for literary
+men, as they were thus compelled to wear clothing like the common
+laborers.
+
+Lord Cornwallis once asked his aidy kong why the American poet always
+had such an air of listening as if for some expected sound. "I give it
+up," retorted the aidy kong. "It is," said Lord Cornwallis, as he took a
+large drink from a jug which he had tied to his saddle, "because he is
+trying to see if he cannot hear his bed-ticking." On the following day
+he surrendered his army, and went home to spring his _bon-mot_ on George
+III.
+
+Yet the laws were very stringent in other respects besides apparel. A
+man was publicly whipped for killing a fowl on the Sabbath in New
+England. In order to keep a tavern and sell rum, one had to be of good
+moral character and possess property, which was a good thing. The names
+of drunkards were posted up in the alehouses, and the keepers forbidden
+to sell them liquor. No person under twenty years of age could use
+tobacco in Connecticut without a physician's order, and no one was
+allowed to use it more than once a day, and then not within ten miles of
+any house. It was a common thing to see large picnic-parties going out
+into the backwoods of Connecticut to smoke.
+
+(Will the reader excuse me a moment while I light up a peculiarly black
+and redolent pipe?)
+
+[Illustration: LORD CORNWALLIS'S CONUNDRUM.]
+
+Only the gentry were called Mr. and Mrs. This included the preacher and
+his wife. A friend of mine who is one of the gentry of this century got
+on the trail of his ancestry last spring, and traced them back to where
+they were not allowed to be called Mr. and Mrs., and, fearing he would
+fetch up in Scotland Yard if he kept on, he slowly unrolled the bottoms
+of his trousers, got a job on the railroad, and since then his friends
+are gradually returning to him. He is well pleased now, and looks
+humbly gratified even if you call him a gent.
+
+The Scriptures were literally interpreted, and the Old Testament was
+read every morning, even if the ladies fainted.
+
+The custom yet noticed sometimes in country churches and festive
+gatherings of placing the males and females on opposite sides of the
+room was originated not so much as a punishment to both, as to give the
+men an opportunity to act together when the red brother felt ill at
+ease.
+
+I am glad the red brother does not molest us nowadays, and make us sit
+apart that way. Keep away, red brother; remain on your reservation,
+please, so that the pale-face may sit by the loved one and hold her
+little soft hand during the sermon.
+
+Church services meant business in those days. People brought their
+dinners and had a general penitential gorge. Instrumental music was
+proscribed, as per Amos fifth chapter and twenty-third verse, and the
+length of prayer was measured by the physical endurance of the
+performer.
+
+The preacher often boiled his sermon down to four hours, and the sexton
+up-ended the hourglass each hour. Boys who went to sleep in church were
+sand-bagged, and grew up to be border murderers.
+
+New York people were essentially Dutch. New York gets her Santa Claus,
+her doughnuts, crullers, cookies, and many of her odors, from the Dutch.
+The New York matron ran to fine linen and a polished door-knocker, while
+the New England housewife spun linsey-woolsey and knit "yarn mittens"
+for those she loved.
+
+Philadelphia was the largest city in the United States, and was noted
+for its cleanliness and generally sterling qualities of mind and heart,
+its Sabbath trance and clean white door-steps.
+
+The Southern Colonies were quite different from those of the North. In
+place of thickly-settled towns there were large plantations with African
+villages near the house of the owner. The proprietor was a sort of
+country squire, living in considerable comfort for those days. He fed
+and clothed everybody, black or white, who lived on the estate, and
+waited patiently for the colored people to do his work and keep well, so
+that they would be more valuable. The colored people were blessed with
+children at a great rate, so that at this writing, though voteless, they
+send a large number of members to Congress. This cheers the Southern
+heart and partially recoups him for his chickens. (See Appendix.)
+
+The South then, as now, cured immense quantities of tobacco, while the
+North tried to cure those who used it.
+
+Washington was a Virginian. He packed his own flour with his own hands,
+and it was never inspected. People who knew him said that the only man
+who ever tried to inspect Washington's flour was buried under a hill of
+choice watermelons at Mount Vernon.
+
+Along the James and Rappahannock the vast estates often passed from
+father to son according to the law of entail, and such a thing as a poor
+man "prior to the war" must have been unknown.
+
+[Illustration: NOT RICH BEFORE THE WAR.]
+
+Education, however, flourished more at the North, owing partly to the
+fact that the people lived more in communities. Governor Berkeley of
+Virginia was opposed to free schools from the start, and said, "I thank
+God there are no free schools nor printing-presses here, and I hope we
+shall not have them these hundred years." His prayer has been answered.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.
+
+
+William Pitt was partly to blame for the Revolutionary War. He claimed
+that the Colonists ought not to manufacture so much as a horseshoe nail
+except by permission of Parliament.
+
+It was already hard enough to be a colonist, without the privilege of
+expressing one's self even to an Indian without being fined. But when we
+pause to think that England seemed to demand that the colonist should
+take the long wet walk to Liverpool during a busy season of the year to
+get his horse shod, we say at once that P. Henry was right when he
+exclaimed that the war was inevitable and moved that permission be
+granted for it to come.
+
+Then came the Stamp Act, making almost everything illegal that was not
+written on stamp paper furnished by the maternal country.
+
+John Adams, Patrick Henry, and John Otis made speeches regarding the
+situation. Bells were tolled, and fasting and prayer marked the first of
+November, the day for the law to go into effect.
+
+These things alarmed England for the time, and the Stamp Act was
+repealed; but the king, who had been pretty free with his money and had
+entertained a good deal, began to look out for a chance to tax the
+Colonists, and ordered his Exchequer Board to attend to it.
+
+Patrick Henry got excited, and said in an early speech, "Caesar had his
+Brutus, Charles the First his Cromwell, and George the Third----" Here
+he paused and took a long swig of pure water, and added, looking at the
+newspaper reporters, "If this be treason, make the most of it." He also
+said that George the Third might profit by their example. A good many
+would like to know what he started out to say, but it is too hard to
+determine.
+
+[Illustration: PATRICK HENRY.]
+
+Boston ladies gave up tea and used the dried leaves of the raspberry,
+and the girls of 1777 graduated in homespun. Could the iron heel of
+despotism crunch such a spirit of liberty as that? Scarcely. In one
+family at Newport four hundred and eighty-seven yards of cloth and
+thirty-six pairs of stockings were spun and made in eighteen months.
+
+When the war broke out it is estimated that each Colonial soldier had
+twenty-seven pairs of blue woollen socks with white double heels and
+toes. Does the intelligent reader believe that "Tommy Atkins," with two
+pairs of socks "and hit a-rainin'," could whip men with twenty-seven
+pairs each? Not without restoratives.
+
+Troops were now sent to restore order. They were clothed by the British
+government, but boarded around with the Colonists. This was irritating
+to the people, because they had never met or called on the British
+troops. Again, they did not know the troops were coming, and had made no
+provision for them.
+
+[Illustration: THE BRITISH BOARDING 'ROUND.]
+
+Boston was considered the hot-bed of the rebellion, and General Gage was
+ordered to send two regiments of troops there. He did so, and a fight
+ensued, in which three citizens were killed.
+
+In looking over this incident, we must not forget that in those days
+three citizens went a good deal farther than they do now.
+
+The fight, however, was brief. General Gage, getting into a side street,
+separated from his command, and, coming out on the Common abruptly, he
+tried eight or nine more streets, but he came out each time on the
+Common, until, torn with conflicting emotions, he hired a Herdic, which
+took him around the corner to his quarters.
+
+On December 16, 1773, occurred the tea-party at Boston, which must have
+been a good deal livelier than those of to-day. The historian regrets
+that he was not there; he would have tried to be the life of the party.
+
+England had finally so arranged the price of tea that, including the
+tax, it was cheaper in America than in the old country. This exasperated
+the patriots, who claimed that they were confronted by a theory and not
+a condition. At Charleston this tea was stored in damp cellars, where it
+spoiled. New York and Philadelphia returned their ships, but the British
+would not allow any shenanegin', as George III. so tersely termed it, in
+Boston.
+
+Therefore a large party met in Faneuil Hall and decided that the tea
+should not be landed. A party made up as Indians, and, going on board,
+threw the tea overboard. Boston Harbor, as far out as the Bug Light,
+even to-day, is said to be carpeted with tea-grounds.
+
+George III. now closed Boston harbor and made General Gage Governor of
+Massachusetts. The Virginia Assembly murmured at this, and was dissolved
+and sent home without its mileage.
+
+[Illustration: BOSTON TEA-PARTY, 1773.]
+
+Those opposed to royalty were termed Whigs, those in favor were called
+Tories. Now they are called Chappies or Authors.
+
+On the 5th of September, 1774, the first Continental Congress assembled
+at Philadelphia and was entertained by the Clover Club. Congress acted
+slowly even then, and after considerable delay resolved that the conduct
+of Great Britain was, under the circumstances, uncalled for. It also
+voted to hold no intercourse with Great Britain, and decided not to
+visit Shakespeare's grave unless the mother-country should apologize.
+
+[Illustration: BOSTON TEA PARTY, 1893.]
+
+In 1775, on the 19th of April, General Gage sent out troops to see about
+some military stores at Concord, but at Lexington he met with a company
+of minute-men gathering on the village green. Major Pitcairn, who was in
+command of the Tommies, rode up to the minute-men, and, drawing his
+bright new Sheffield sword, exclaimed, "Disperse, you rebels! throw down
+your arms and disperse!" or some such remark as that.
+
+The Americans hated to do that, so they did not. In the skirmish that
+ensued, seven of their number were killed.
+
+Thus opened the Revolutionary War,--a contest which but for the
+earnestness and irritability of the Americans would have been extremely
+brief. It showed the relative difference between the fighting qualities
+of soldiers who fight for two pounds ten shillings per month and those
+who fight because they have lost their temper.
+
+The regulars destroyed the stores, but on the way home they found every
+rock-pile hid an old-fashioned gun and minute-man. This shows that there
+must have been an enormous number of minute-men then. All the English
+who got back to Boston were those who went out to reinforce the original
+command.
+
+The news went over the country like wildfire. These are the words of the
+historian. Really, that is a poor comparison, for wildfire doesn't jump
+rivers and bays, or get up and eat breakfast by candle-light in order to
+be on the road and spread the news.
+
+General Putnam left a pair of tired steers standing in the furrow, and
+rode one hundred miles without feed or water to Boston.
+
+Twenty thousand men were soon at work building intrenchments around
+Boston, so that the English troops could not get out to the suburbs
+where many of them resided.
+
+[Illustration: GENERAL PUTNAM LEAVING A PAIR OF TIRED STEERS.]
+
+I will now speak of the battle of Bunker Hill.
+
+This battle occurred June 17. The Americans heard that their enemy
+intended to fortify Bunker Hill, and so they determined to do it
+themselves, in order to have it done in a way that would be a credit to
+the town.
+
+A body of men under Colonel Prescott, after prayer by the President of
+Harvard University, marched to Charlestown Neck. They decided to fortify
+Breed's Hill, as it was more commanding, and all night long they kept on
+fortifying. The surprise of the English at daylight was well worth going
+from Lowell to witness.
+
+Howe sent three thousand men across and formed them on the landing. He
+marched them up the hill to within ten rods of the earth-works, when it
+occurred to Prescott that it would now be the appropriate thing to fire.
+He made a statement of that kind to his troops, and those of the enemy
+who were alive went back to Charlestown. But that was no place for them,
+as they had previously set it afire, so they came back up the hill,
+where they were once more well received and tendered the freedom of a
+future state.
+
+Three times the English did this, when the ammunition in the
+fortifications gave out, and they charged with fixed bayonets and
+reinforcements.
+
+The Americans were driven from the field, but it was a victory after
+all. It united the Colonies and made them so vexed at the English that
+it took some time to bring on an era of good feeling.
+
+Lord Howe, referring afterwards to this battle, said that the Americans
+did not stand up and fight like the regulars, suggesting that thereafter
+the Colonial army should arrange itself in the following manner before a
+battle!
+
+[Illustration: GENERAL HOWE'S SUGGESTION.]
+
+However, the suggestion was not acted on. The Colonial soldiers declined
+to put on a bright red coat and a pill-box cap, that kept falling off in
+battle, thus delaying the carnage, but preferred to wear homespun which
+was of a neutral shade, and shoot their enemy from behind stumps. They
+said it was all right to dress up for a muster, but they preferred their
+working-clothes for fighting. After the war a statistician made the
+estimate that nine per cent. of the British troops were shot while
+ascertaining if their caps were on straight.[4]
+
+[Illustration: PUTNAM'S FLIGHT.]
+
+General Israel Putnam was known as the champion rough rider of his day,
+and once when hotly pursued rode down three flights of steps, which,
+added to the flight he made from the English soldiers, made four
+flights. Putnam knew not fear or cowardice, and his name even to-day is
+the synonyme for valor and heroism.
+
+
+[Footnote 4: The authority given for this statement, I admit, is meagre,
+but it is as accurate as many of the figures by means of which people
+prove things.--B. N.]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: FRANKLIN'S MORNING HUNT FOR HIS SHOES.]
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, LL.D., PH.G., F.R.S., ETC.
+
+
+It is considered advisable by the historian at this time to say a word
+regarding Dr. Franklin, our fellow-townsman, and a journalist who was
+the Charles A. Dana of his time.
+
+Franklin's memory will remain green when the names of the millionaires
+of to-day are forgotten. Coextensive with the name of E. Rosewater of
+the _Omaha Bee_ we will find that of Benjamin Franklin, whose bust sits
+above the fireplace of the writer at this moment, while a large Etruscan
+hornet is making a phrenological examination of same.
+
+But let us proceed to more fully mark out the life and labors of this
+remarkable man.
+
+Benjamin Franklin, formerly of Boston, came very near being an only
+child. If seventeen children had not come to bless the home of
+Benjamin's parents they would have been childless. Think of getting up
+in the morning and picking out your shoes and stockings from among
+seventeen pairs of them!
+
+Imagine yourself a child, gentle reader, in a family where you would be
+called upon every morning to select your own cud of spruce gum from a
+collection of seventeen similar cuds stuck on a window-sill! And yet
+Benjamin Franklin never murmured or repined. He desired to go to sea,
+and to avoid this he was apprenticed to his brother James, who was a
+printer.
+
+It is said that Franklin at once took hold of the great Archimedean
+lever, and jerked it early and late in the interests of freedom.
+
+[Illustration: THE PRINTER'S TOWEL.]
+
+It is claimed that Franklin, at this time, invented the deadly weapon
+known as the printer's towel. He found that a common crash towel could
+be saturated with glue, molasses, antimony, concentrated lye, and
+roller-composition, and that after a few years of time and perspiration
+it would harden so that "A Constant Reader" or "Veritas" could be
+stabbed with it and die soon.
+
+Many believe that Franklin's other scientific experiments were
+productive of more lasting benefit to mankind than this, but I do not
+agree with them.
+
+His paper was called the _New England Courant_. It was edited jointly by
+James and Benjamin Franklin, and was started to supply a long-felt want.
+
+Benjamin edited it a part of the time, and James a part of the time. The
+idea of having two editors was not for the purpose of giving volume to
+the editorial page, but it was necessary for one to run the paper while
+the other was in jail.
+
+In those days you could not sass the king, and then, when the king came
+in the office the next day and stopped his paper and took out his ad.,
+put it off on "our informant" and go right along with the paper. You had
+to go to jail, while your subscribers wondered why their paper did not
+come, and the paste soured in the tin dippers in the sanctum, and the
+circus passed by on the other side.
+
+How many of us to-day, fellow-journalists, would be willing to stay in
+jail while the lawn festival and the kangaroo came and went? Who of all
+our company would go to a prison-cell for the cause of freedom while a
+double-column ad. of sixteen aggregated circuses, and eleven congresses
+of ferocious beasts, fierce and fragrant from their native lair, went by
+us?
+
+At the age of seventeen Ben got disgusted with his brother, and went to
+Philadelphia and New York, where he got a chance to "sub" for a few
+weeks and then got a regular "sit."
+
+Franklin was a good printer, and finally got to be a foreman. He made an
+excellent foreman, sitting by the hour in the composing-room and
+spitting on the stove, while he cussed the make-up and press-work of the
+other papers. Then he would go into the editorial rooms and scare the
+editors to death with a wild shriek for more copy.
+
+He knew just how to conduct himself as a foreman so that strangers would
+think he owned the paper.
+
+[Illustration: FRANKLIN AS FOREMAN.]
+
+In 1730, at the age of twenty-four, Franklin married, and established
+the _Pennsylvania Gazette_. He was then regarded as a great man, and
+almost every one took his paper.
+
+Franklin grew to be a great journalist, and spelled hard words with
+great fluency. He never tried to be a humorist in any of his newspaper
+work, and everybody respected him.
+
+Along about 1746 he began to study the habits and construction of
+lightning, and inserted a local in his paper in which he said that he
+would be obliged to any of his readers who might notice any new or odd
+specimens of lightning, if they would send them in to the _Gazette_
+office for examination.
+
+Every time there was a thunderstorm Franklin would tell the foreman to
+edit the paper, and, armed with a string and an old door-key, he would
+go out on the hills and get enough lightning for a mess.
+
+[Illustration: FRANKLIN EXPERIMENTING WITH LIGHTNING.]
+
+[Illustration: FRANKLIN VISITING GEORGE III.]
+
+In 1753 Franklin was made postmaster of the Colonies. He made a good
+Postmaster-General, and people say there were fewer mistakes in
+distributing their mail then than there have ever been since. If a man
+mailed a letter in those days, old Ben Franklin saw that it went to
+where it was addressed.
+
+Franklin frequently went over to England in those days, partly on
+business and partly to shock the king. He liked to go to the castle with
+his breeches tucked in his boots, figuratively speaking, and attract a
+great deal of attention.
+
+It looked odd to the English, of course, to see him come into the royal
+presence, and, leaning his wet umbrella up against the throne, ask the
+king, "How's trade?"
+
+Franklin never put on any frills, but he was not afraid of a crowned
+head. He used to say, frequently, that a king to him was no more than a
+seven-spot.
+
+He did his best to prevent the Revolutionary War, but he couldn't do it.
+Patrick Henry had said that the war was inevitable, and had given it
+permission to come, and it came.
+
+He also went to Paris, and got acquainted with a few crowned heads
+there. They thought a good deal of him in Paris, and offered him a
+corner lot if he would build there and start a paper. They also promised
+him the county printing; but he said, No, he would have to go back to
+America or his wife might get uneasy about him. Franklin wrote "Poor
+Richard's Almanac" in 1732 to 1757, and it was republished in England.
+
+Franklin little thought, when he went to the throne-room in his leather
+riding-clothes and hung his hat on the throne, that he was inaugurating
+a custom of wearing groom clothes which would in these days be so
+popular among the English.
+
+Dr. Franklin entered Philadelphia eating a loaf of bread and carrying a
+loaf under each arm, passing beneath the window of the girl to whom he
+afterwards gave his hand in marriage.
+
+[Illustration: FRANKLIN ENTERING PHILADELPHIA.]
+
+Nearly everybody in America, except Dr. Mary Walker, was once a poor
+boy.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+THE CRITICAL PERIOD.
+
+
+Ethan Allen and Benedict Arnold on the 10th of May led two small
+companies to Ticonderoga, a strong fortress tremendously fortified, and
+with its name also across the front door. Ethan Allen, a brave Vermonter
+born in Connecticut, entered the sally-port, and was shot at by a guard
+whose musket failed to report. Allen entered and demanded the surrender
+of the fortress.
+
+"By whose authority?" asked the commandant.
+
+"By the authority of the Great Jehovah and the Continental Congress,"
+said Allen, brandishing his naked sword at a great rate.
+
+"Very well," said the officer: "if you put it on those grounds, all
+right, if you will excuse the appearance of things. We were just
+cleaning up, and everything is by the heels here."
+
+"Never mind," said Allen, who was the soul of politeness. "We put on no
+frills at home, and so we are ready to take things as we find them."
+
+The Americans therefore got a large amount of munitions of war, both
+here and at Crown Point.
+
+General Washington was now appointed commander-in-chief of all the
+troops at the second session of the Continental Congress. On his arrival
+at Boston there were only fourteen thousand men. He took command under
+the historic elm at Cambridge. He was dressed in a blue broadcloth coat
+with flaps and revers of same, trimmed with large beautiful buttons. He
+also wore buff small-clothes, with openings at the sides where pockets
+are now put in, but at that time given up to space. They were made in
+such a way as to prevent the naked eye from discovering at once whether
+he was in advance or retreat. He also wore silk stockings and a cocked
+hat.
+
+The lines of Dryden starting off "Mark his majestic fabric" were
+suggested by his appearance and general style. He always dressed well
+and rode a good horse, but at Valley Forge frosted his feet severely,
+and could have drawn a pension, "but no," said he, "I can still work at
+light employment, like being President, and so I will not ask for a
+pension."
+
+Each soldier had less than nine cartridges, but Washington managed to
+keep General Gage penned up in Boston, and, as Gage knew very few people
+there, it was a dull winter for him.
+
+The boys of Boston had built snow hills on the Common, and used to slide
+down them to the ice below, but the British soldiers tore down their
+coasting-places and broke up the ice on the pond.
+
+They stood it a long time, rebuilding their playground as often as it
+was torn down, until the spirit of American freedom could endure it no
+longer. They then organized a committee consisting of eight boys who
+were noted for their great philosophical research, and with Charles
+Sumner Muzzy, the eloquent savant from Milk Street, as chairman, the
+committee started for General Gage's head-quarters, to confer with him
+regarding the matter.
+
+[Illustration: INTELLECTUAL TRIUMPH OF THE YOUTH OF BOSTON OVER GENERAL
+GAGE.]
+
+In the picture Mr. Muzzy is seen addressing General Gage. The boy in the
+centre with the colored glasses is Marco Bozzaris Cobb, who discovered
+and first brought into use the idea of putting New Orleans molasses into
+Boston brown bread. To the left of Mr. Cobb is Mr. Jehoab Nye, who
+afterwards became the Rev. Jehoab Nye and worked with heart and voice
+for over eight of the best years of his life against the immorality of
+the codfish-ball, before he learned of its true relations towards
+society.
+
+Above and between these two stands Whomsoever J. Opper, who wrote "How
+to make the Garden Pay" and "What Responsible Person will see that my
+Grave is kept green?" In the background we see the tall form of
+Wherewithal G. Lumpy, who introduced the Pompadour hair-cut into
+Massachusetts and grew up to be a great man with enlarged joints but
+restricted ideas.
+
+Charles Sumner Muzzy addressed General Gage at some length, somewhat to
+the surprise of Gage, who admitted in a few well-chosen words that the
+committee was right, and that if he had his way about it there should be
+no more trouble.
+
+Charles was followed by Marco Bozzaris Cobb, who spoke briefly of the
+boon of liberty, closing as follows: "We point with pride, sir, to the
+love of freedom, which is about the only excitement we have. We love our
+country, sir, whether we love anything else much or not. The distant
+wanderer of American birth, sir, pines for his country. 'Oh, give me
+back,' he goes on to say, 'my own fair land across the bright blue sea,
+the land of beauty and of worth, the bright land of the free, where
+tyrant foot hath never trod, nor bigot forged a chain. Oh, would that I
+were safely back in that bright land again!'"
+
+Mr. Wherewithal G. Lumpy said he had hardly expected to be called upon,
+and so had not prepared himself, but this occasion forcibly brought to
+his mind the words also of the poet, "Our country stands," said he,
+"with outstretched hands appealing to her boys; from them must flow her
+weal or woe, her anguish or her joys. A ship she rides on human tides
+which rise and sink anon: each giant wave may prove her grave, or bear
+her nobly on. The friends of right, with armor bright, a valiant
+Christian band, through God her aid may yet be made, a blessing to our
+land."
+
+[Illustration: GENERAL GAGE THINKING IT OVER.]
+
+General Gage was completely overcome, and asked for a moment to go apart
+and think it over, which he did, returning with an air which reminded
+one of "Ten Nights in a Bar-Room."
+
+"You may go, my brave boys; and be assured that if my troops molest you
+in the future, or anywhere else, I will overpower them and strew the
+Common with their corses.
+
+"Of corse he will," said the hairy boy to the right of Whomsoever J.
+Opper, who afterwards became the father of a lad who grew up to be
+editor of the Persiflage column of the _Atlantic Monthly_.
+
+Thus the boys of America impressed General Gage with their courage and
+patriotism and grew up to be good men.
+
+An expedition to Canada was fitted out the same winter, and an attack
+made on Quebec, in which General Montgomery was killed and Benedict
+Arnold showed that he was a brave soldier, no matter how the historian
+may have hopped on him afterwards.
+
+The Americans should not have tried to take Canada. Canada was, as Henry
+Clay once said, a persimmon a trifle too high for the American pole, and
+it is the belief of the historian, whose tears have often wet the pages
+of this record, that in the future Canada will be what America is now, a
+free country with a national debt of her own, a flag of her own, an
+executive of her own, and a regular annual crisis of her own, like other
+nations.
+
+In 1776 Boston was evacuated. Washington, in order to ascertain whether
+Lord Howe had a call to fish, cut bait, or go ashore, began to fortify
+Dorchester Heights, March 17, and on the following morning he was not a
+little surprised to note the change. As the weather was raw, and he had
+been in-doors a good deal during the winter, Lord Howe felt the cold
+very keenly. He went to the window and looked at the Americans, but he
+would come back chilly and ill-tempered to the fire each time. Finally
+he hitched up and went away to Halifax, where he had acquaintances.
+
+[Illustration: LORD HOWE FELT THE COLD VERY KEENLY.]
+
+On June 28 an attack was made by the English on Fort Moultrie. It was
+built of palmetto logs, which are said to be the best thing in the world
+to shoot into if one wishes to recover the balls and use them again.
+Palmetto logs accept and retain balls for many years, and are therefore
+good for forts.
+
+When the fleet got close enough to the fort so that the brave
+Charlestonians could see the expression on the admiral's face, they
+turned loose with everything they had, grape, canister, solid shot,
+chain-shot, bar-shot, stove-lids, muffin-irons, newspaper cuts, etc.,
+etc., so that the decks were swept of every living thing except the
+admiral.
+
+[Illustration: JEFFERSON DICTATING THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.]
+
+General Clinton by land tried to draw the attention of the rear gunners
+of the fort, but he was a poor draughtsman, and so retired, and both the
+land and naval forces quit Charleston and went to New York, where board
+was not so high.
+
+July 4 was deemed a good time to write a Declaration of Independence and
+have it read in the grove.
+
+Richard Henry Lee, of Virginia, moved that "the United Colonies are, and
+of right ought to be, free and Independent states." John Adams, of
+Massachusetts, seconded the resolution. This was passed July 2, and the
+report of the committee appointed to draw up a Declaration of
+Independence was adopted July 4.
+
+[Illustration: FAC-SIMILE OF DICTATION.]
+
+The Declaration was dictated by Thomas Jefferson, who wrote the most
+melodious English of any American of his time.
+
+Jefferson had a vocabulary next to Noah Webster, with all the dramatic
+power of Dan. He composed the piece one evening after his other work. We
+give a facsimile of the opening lines.
+
+Philadelphia was a scene of great excitement. The streets were thronged,
+and people sat down on the nice clean door-steps with perfect
+recklessness, although the steps had just been cleaned with ammonia and
+wiped off with a chamois-skin. It was a day long to be remembered, and
+one that made George III. wish that he had reconsidered his birth.
+
+In the steeple of the old State-House was a bell which had fortunately
+upon it the line "Proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the
+inhabitants thereof." It was rung by the old man in charge, though he
+had lacked faith up to that moment in Congress. He believed that
+Congress would not pass the resolution and adopt the Declaration till
+after election.
+
+[Illustration: RINGING THE LIBERTY BELL.]
+
+Thus was the era of good feeling inaugurated both North and South. There
+was no North then, no South, no East, no West; just one common country,
+with Washington acting as father of same. Oh, how nice it must have
+been!
+
+Washington was one of the sweetest men in the United States. He gave his
+hand in marriage to a widow woman who had two children and a dark red
+farm in Virginia.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+THE BEGINNING OF THE END.
+
+
+The British army now numbered thirty thousand troops, while Washington's
+entire command was not over seven thousand strong. The Howes, one a
+general and the other an admiral, now turned their attention to New
+York. Washington, however, was on the ground beforehand.
+
+Howe's idea was to first capture Brooklyn, so that he could have a place
+in which to sleep at nights while engaged in taking New York.
+
+The battle was brief. Howe attacked the little army in front, while
+General Clinton got around by a circuitous route to the rear of the
+Colonial troops and cut them off. The Americans lost one thousand men by
+death or capture. The prisoners were confined in the old sugar-house on
+Liberty Street, where they suffered the most miserable and indescribable
+deaths.
+
+The army of the Americans fortunately escaped by Fulton Ferry in a fog,
+otherwise it would have been obliterated. Washington now fortified
+Harlem Heights, and later withdrew to White Plains. Afterwards he
+retired to a fortified camp called North Castle.
+
+Howe feared to attack him there, and so sent the Hessians, who captured
+Fort Washington, November 16.
+
+It looked scaly for the Americans, as Motley says, and Philadelphia bade
+fair to join New York and other cities held by the British. The English
+van could be seen from the Colonial rear column. The American troops
+were almost barefooted, and left their blood-stained tracks on the
+frozen road.
+
+It was at this time that Washington crossed the Delaware and thereby
+found himself on the other side; while Howe decided to remain, as the
+river was freezing, and when the ice got strong enough, cross over and
+kill the Americans at his leisure. Had he followed the Colonial army, it
+is quite sure now that the English would have conquered, and the author
+would have been the Duke of Sandy Bottom, instead of a plain American
+citizen, unknown, unhonored, and unsung.
+
+[Illustration: NYE AS THE DUKE OF SANDY BOTTOM.]
+
+Washington decided that he must strike a daring blow while his troops
+had any hope or vitality left; and so on Christmas night, after
+crossing the Delaware as shown elsewhere, he fell on the Hessians at
+Trenton in the midst of their festivities, captured one thousand
+prisoners, and slew the leader.
+
+The Hessians were having a symposium at the time, and though the
+commander received an important note of warning during the Christmas
+dinner, he thrust it into his pocket and bade joy be unconfined.
+
+When daylight came, the Hessians were mostly moving in alcoholic circles
+trying to find their guns. Washington lost only four men, and two of
+those were frozen to death.
+
+The result of this fight gave the Colonists courage and taught them at
+the same time that it would be best to avoid New Jersey symposiums till
+after the war was over.
+
+Having made such a hit in crossing the Delaware, Washington decided to
+repeat the performance on the 3d of January. He was attacked at Trenton
+by Cornwallis, who is known in history for his justly celebrated
+surrender. He waited till morning, having been repulsed at sundown.
+Washington left his camp-fires burning, surrounded the British, captured
+two hundred prisoners, and got away to Morristown Heights in safety. If
+the ground had not frozen, General Washington could not have moved his
+forty cannon; but, fortunately, the thermometer was again on his side,
+and he never lost a gun.
+
+September 11 the English got into the Chesapeake, and Washington
+announced in the papers that he would now fight the battle of the
+Brandywine, which he did.
+
+[Illustration: THE COLONIAL SURPRISE-PARTY AT TRENTON.]
+
+Marie Jean Paul Roch Yves Gilbert Motier, Marquis de La Fayette, fought
+bravely with the Americans in this battle, twice having his name shot
+from under him.
+
+The patriots were routed, scoring a goose-egg and losing Philadelphia.
+
+October 4, Washington attacked the enemy at Germantown, and was beaten
+back just as victory was arranging to perch on his banner. Poor
+Washington now retired to Valley Forge, where he put in about the
+dullest winter of his life.
+
+The English had not been so successful in the North. At first the
+Americans could only delay Burgoyne by felling trees in the path of his
+eight thousand men, which is a very unsatisfactory sort of warfare, but
+at last Schuyler, who had borne the burden and heat of the day, was
+succeeded by Gates, and good luck seemed to come slowly his way.
+
+A foolish boy with bullet-holes cut in his clothes ran into St. Leger's
+troops, and out of breath told them to turn back or they would fill a
+drunkard's grave. Officers asked him about the numbers of the enemy, and
+he pointed to the leaves of the trees, shrieked, and ran for his life.
+He ran several days, and was barely able to keep ahead of St. Leger's
+troops by a neck.
+
+Burgoyne at another time sent a detachment under Colonel Baum to take
+the stores at Bennington, Vermont. He was met by General Stark and the
+militia. Stark said, "Here come the redcoats, and we must beat them
+to-day, or Molly Stark is a widow." This neat little remark made an
+instantaneous hit, and when they counted up their string of prisoners
+at night they found they had six hundred souls and a Hessian.
+
+Burgoyne now felt blue and unhappy. Besides, his troops were covered
+with wood-ticks and had had no washing done for three weeks.
+
+He moved southward and attacked Gates at Bemis Heights, or, as a British
+wit had it, "gave Gates ajar," near Saratoga. A wavering fight occupied
+the day, and then both armies turned in and fortified for two weeks.
+Burgoyne saw that he was running out of food, and so was first to open
+fire.
+
+Arnold, who had been deprived of his command since the last battle,
+probably to prevent his wiping out the entire enemy and getting
+promoted, was so maddened by the conflict that he dashed in before Gates
+could put him in the guard-house, and at the head of his old command,
+and without authority or hat, led the attack. Gates did not dare to come
+where Arnold was, to order him back, for it was a very warm place where
+Arnold was at the time. The enemy was thus driven to camp.
+
+Arnold was shot in the same leg that was wounded at Quebec; so he was
+borne back to the extreme rear, where he found Gates eating a doughnut
+and speaking disrespectfully of Arnold.
+
+A council was now held in Burgoyne's tent, and on the question of
+renewing the fight stood six to six, when an eighteen-pound hot shot
+went through the tent, knocking a stylographic pen out of General
+Burgoyne's hand. Almost at once he decided to surrender, and the entire
+army of six thousand men was surrendered, together with arms, portable
+bath-tubs, and leather hat-boxes. The Americans marched into their camp
+to the tune of Yankee Doodle, which is one of the most impudent
+compositions ever composed.
+
+[Illustration: KNOCKING A STYLOGRAPHIC PEN OUT OF BURGOYNE'S HAND.]
+
+During the Valley Forge winter (1777-78) Continental currency
+depreciated in value so that an officer's pay would not buy his clothes.
+Many, having also spent their private funds for the prosecution of the
+war, were obliged to resign and hire out in the lumber woods in order to
+get food for their families. Troops had no blankets, and straw was not
+to be had. It was extremely sad; but there was no wavering. Officers
+were approached by the enemy with from one hundred to one thousand
+pounds if they would accept and use their influence to effect a
+reconciliation; but, with blazing eye and unfaltering attitude, each
+stated that he was not for sale, and returned to his frozen mud-hole to
+rest and dream of food and freedom.
+
+Those were the untitled nobility from whom we sprung. Let us look over
+our personal record and see if we are living lives that are worthy of
+such heroic sires.
+
+Five minutes will now be given the reader to make a careful examination
+of his personal record.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the spring the joyful news came across the sea that, through the
+efforts of Benjamin Franklin, France had acknowledged the independence
+of the United States, and a fleet was on the way to assist the
+struggling troops.
+
+The battle of Monmouth occurred June 28. Clinton succeeded Howe, and,
+alarmed by the news of the French fleet, the government ordered Clinton
+to concentrate his troops near New York, where there were better
+facilities for getting home.
+
+Washington followed the enemy across New Jersey, overtaking them at
+Monmouth. Lee was in command, and got his men tangled in a swamp where
+the mosquitoes were quite plenty, and, losing courage, ordered a
+retreat.
+
+Washington arrived at that moment, and bitterly upbraided Lee. He used
+the Flanders method of upbraiding, it is said, and Lee could not stand
+it. He started towards the enemy in preference to being there with
+Washington, who was still rebuking him. The fight was renewed, and all
+day long they fought. When night came, Clinton took his troops with him
+and went away where they could be by themselves.
+
+An effort was made to get up a fight between the French fleet and the
+English at Newport for the championship, but a severe storm came up and
+prevented it.
+
+In July the Wyoming Massacre, under the management of the Tories and
+Indians, commanded by Butler, took place in that beautiful valley near
+Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania.
+
+This massacre did more to make the Indians and Tories unpopular in this
+country than any other act of the war. The men were away in the army,
+and the women, children, and old men alone were left to the vengeance of
+the two varieties of savage. The Indians had never had gospel
+privileges, but the Tories had. Otherwise they resembled each other.
+
+In 1779 the English seemed to have Georgia and the South pretty well to
+themselves. Prevost, the English general, made an attack on Charleston,
+but, learning that Lincoln was after him, decided that, as he had a
+telegram to meet a personal friend at Savannah, he would go there. In
+September, Lincoln, assisted by the French under D'Estaing, attacked
+Savannah. One thousand lives were lost, and D'Estaing showed the white
+feather to advantage. Count Pulaski lost his life in this fight. He was
+a brave Polish patriot, and his body was buried in the Savannah River.
+
+The capture of Stony Point about this time by "Mad Anthony Wayne" was
+one of the most brilliant battles of the war.
+
+[Illustration: THE ONLY THING WAYNE WAS AFRAID OF.]
+
+Learning the countersign from a negro who sold strawberries to the
+British, the troops passed the guard over the bridge that covered the
+marsh, and, gagging the worthy inside guard, they marched up the hill
+with fixed bayonets and fixed the enemy to the number of six hundred.
+
+The countersign was, "The fort is won," and so it was, in less time than
+it takes to ejaculate the word "scat!" Wayne was wounded at the outset,
+but was carried up the hill in command, with a bandage tied about his
+head. He was a brave man, and never knew in battle what fear was. Yet,
+strange to say, a bat in his bed would make him start up and turn pale.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+THE CLOSE OF THE REVOLUTION.
+
+
+The atrocities introduced into this country by the Tories and Indians
+caused General Sullivan to go out against the measly enemy, whip him
+near Elmira, and destroy the fields of corn and villages in the Genesee
+country, where the Indian women were engaged in farming while their
+men-folks attended to the massacre industry.
+
+The weak point with the Americans seemed to be lack of a suitable navy.
+A navy costs money, and the Colonists were poor. In 1775 they fitted out
+several swift sailing-vessels, which did good service. Inside of five
+years they captured over five hundred ships, cruised among the British
+isles, and it is reported that they captured war-vessels that were tied
+to the English wharves.
+
+[Illustration: GENERAL GATES'S PROPER CAREER.]
+
+Paul Jones had a method of running his vessel alongside the enemy's,
+lashing the two together, and then having it out with the crew,
+generally winning in a canter. His idea in lashing the two ships
+together was to have one good ship to ride home on. Generally it was the
+one he captured, while his own, which was rotten, was allowed to go
+down. This was especially the case in the fight between the Richard and
+the Serapis, September 23, 1779.
+
+In 1780 the war was renewed in South Carolina. Charleston, after a forty
+days' siege, was forced to surrender. Gates now took charge of the
+South, and also gave a sprinting exhibition at Camden, where he was
+almost wiped off the face of the earth. He had only two troops left at
+the close of the battle, and they could not keep up with Gates in the
+retreat. This battle and the retreat overheated Gates and sowed the
+seeds of heart-disease, from which he never recovered. He should have
+chosen a more peaceful life, such as the hen-traffic, or the growth of
+asparagus for the market.
+
+Benedict Arnold has been severely reproached in history, but he was a
+brave soldier, and possibly serving under Gates, who jealously kept him
+in the background, had a good deal to do with the little European dicker
+which so darkened his brilliant career as a soldier.
+
+[Illustration: ARNOLD'S RECEPTION IN ENGLAND.]
+
+Unhappy man! He was not well received in England, and, though a
+brilliant man, was forced to sit in a corner evening after evening and
+hear the English tell his humorous stories as their own.
+
+The Carolinas were full of Tories, and opposition to English rule was
+practically abandoned in the South for the time, with the exception of
+that made in a desultory swamp-warfare by the partisan bands with such
+leaders as Marion, Sumter, and Pickens.
+
+Two hundred thousand dollars of Continental money was the sum now out.
+Forty dollars of it would buy one dollar's worth of groceries; but the
+grocer had to know the customer pretty well, and even then it was more
+to accommodate than anything else that he sold at that price.
+
+The British flooded the country with a counterfeit that was rather
+better-looking than the genuine: so that by the time a man had paid six
+hundred dollars for a pair of boots, and the crooked bills had been
+picked out and others substituted, it made him feel that starting a
+republic was a mighty unpopular job.
+
+General Arnold had married a Tory lady, and lived in Philadelphia while
+recovering from his wounds received at Quebec and Saratoga. He was
+rather a high roller, and ran behind, so that it is estimated that his
+bills there per month required a peach-basket-full of currency with
+which to pay them, as the currency was then quoted. Besides, Gates had
+worried him, and made him think that patriotism was mostly politics. He
+was also overbearing, and the people of Philadelphia mobbed him once. He
+was reprimanded gently by Washington, but Arnold was haughty and yet
+humiliated. He got command of West Point, a very important place indeed,
+and then arranged with Clinton to swap it for six thousand three hundred
+and fifteen pounds and a colonelcy in the English army.
+
+Major Andre was appointed to confer with Arnold, and got off the ship
+Vulture to make his way to the appointed place, but it was daylight by
+that time, and the Vulture, having been fired on, dropped down the
+river. Andre now saw no way for him but to get back to New York; but at
+Tarrytown he was met by three patriots, who caught his horse by the
+reins, and, though Andre tried to tip them, he did not succeed. They
+found papers on his person, among them a copy of _Punch_, which made
+them suspicious that he was not an American, and so he was tried and
+hanged as a spy. This was one of the saddest features of the American
+Revolution, and should teach us to be careful how we go about in an
+enemy's country, also to use great care in selecting and subscribing for
+papers.
+
+In 1781, Greene, who succeeded Gates, took charge of the two thousand
+ragged and bony troops. January 17 he was attacked at Cowpens by
+Tarleton. The militia fell back, and the English made a grand charge,
+supposing victory to be within reach. But the wily and foxy troops
+turned at thirty yards and gave the undertaking business a boom that
+will never be forgotten.
+
+Morgan was in command of the Colonial forces. He went on looking for
+more regulars to kill, but soon ran up against Cornwallis the
+surrenderer.
+
+General Greene now joined Morgan, and took charge of the retreat. At the
+Yadkin River they crossed over ahead of Cornwallis, when it began for to
+rain. When Cornwallis came to the river he found it so swollen and
+restless that he decided not to cross. Later he crossed higher up, and
+made for the fords of the Dan at thirty miles a day, to head off the
+Americans. Greene beat him, however, by a length, and saved his troops.
+
+The writer has seen the place on the Yadkin where Cornwallis decided not
+to cross. It was one of the pivotal points of the war, and is of about
+medium height.
+
+A fight followed at Guilford Court-House, where the Americans were
+driven back, but the enemy got thinned out so noticeably that Cornwallis
+decided to retreat. He went back to Washington on a Bull Run schedule,
+without pausing even for feed or water. Cornwallis was greatly agitated,
+and the coat he wore at the time, and now shown in the Smithsonian
+Institution, shows distinctly the marks made where the Colonists played
+checkers on the tail.
+
+The battle of Eutaw Springs, September 8, also greatly reduced the
+British forces at that point.
+
+Arnold conducted a campaign into Virginia, and was very brutal about it,
+killing a great many people who were strangers to him, and who had never
+harmed him, not knowing him, as the historian says, from "Adam's off
+ox."
+
+Cornwallis in this Virginia and Southern trip destroyed ten million
+dollars' worth of property, and then fortified himself at Yorktown.
+
+Washington decided to besiege Yorktown, and, making a feint to fool
+Clinton, set out for that place, visiting Mount Vernon _en route_ after
+an absence of six and a half years, though only stopping two days.
+Washington was a soldier in the true sense, and, when a lad, was given a
+little hatchet by his father. George cut down some cherry-trees with
+this, in order to get the cherries without climbing the trees. One day
+his father discovered that the trees had been cut down, and spoke of it
+to the lad.
+
+"Yes," said George, "I did it with my little hatchet; but I would rather
+cut down a thousand cherry-trees and tell the truth about it than be
+punished for it."
+
+"Well said, my brave boy!" exclaimed the happy father as he emptied
+George's toy bank into his pocket in payment for the trees. "You took
+the words right out of my mouth."
+
+[Illustration: GEORGE'S FATHER TAKING PAY FOR THE CHERRY-TREES.]
+
+In speaking of the siege of Yorktown, the historian says, "The most
+hearty good will prevailed." What more could you expect of a siege than
+that?
+
+Cornwallis capitulated October 19. It was the most artistic capitulation
+he had ever given. The troops were arranged in two lines facing each
+other, British and American with their allies the French under
+Rochambeau.
+
+People came from all over the country who had heard of Cornwallis and
+his wonderful genius as a capitulator. They came for miles, and brought
+their lunches with them; but the general, who felt an unnecessary pique
+towards Washington, refused to take part in the exercises himself,
+claiming that by the advice of his physicians he would have to remain in
+his tent, as they feared that he had over-capitulated himself already.
+He therefore sent his sword by General O'Hara, and Washington turned it
+over to Lincoln, who had been obliged to surrender to the English at
+Charleston.
+
+[Illustration: CORNWALLIS SENDING HIS SWORD BY GENERAL O'HARA.]
+
+The news reached Philadelphia in the night, and when the watchman cried,
+"Past two o'clock, and Cornwallis is taken!" the people arose and went
+and prayed and laughed like lunatics, for they regarded the war as
+virtually ended. The old door-keeper of Congress died of delight. Thanks
+were returned to Almighty God, and George Washington's nomination was a
+sure thing.
+
+England decided that whoever counselled war any further was a public
+enemy, and Lord North, then prime minister, when he heard of the
+surrender of Cornwallis through a New York paper, exclaimed, "Oh, God!
+it is all over!"
+
+Washington now showed his sagacity in quelling the fears of the soldiers
+regarding their back pay. He was invited to become king, but, having had
+no practice, and fearing that he might run against a _coup d'etat_ or
+_faux pas_, he declined, and spoke kindly against taking violent
+measures.
+
+In 1783, September 3, a treaty of peace was signed in Paris, and
+Washington, delivering the most successful farewell address ever penned,
+retired to Mount Vernon, where he began at once to enrich his farm with
+the suggestions he had received during his absence, and to calmly take
+up the life that had been interrupted by the tedious and disagreeable
+war.
+
+The country was free and independent, but, oh, how ignorant it was about
+the science of government! The author does not wish to be personal when
+he states that the country at that time did not know enough about
+affairs to carry water for a circus elephant.
+
+It was heavily in debt, with no power to raise money. New England
+refused to pay her poll-tax, and a party named Shays directed his hired
+man to overturn the government; but a felon broke out on his thumb, and
+before he could put it down the crisis was averted and the country
+saved.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: WASHINGTON BEGAN AT ONCE TO ENRICH HIS FARM.]
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+THE FIRST PRESIDENT.
+
+
+It now became the duty of the new republic to seek out the man to
+preside over it, and George Washington seems to have had no rivals. He
+rather reluctantly left his home at Mount Vernon, where he was engaged
+in trying the rotation of crops, and solemnly took the oath to support
+the Constitution of the United States, which had been adopted September
+17, 1787. His trip in April, 1789, from Mount Vernon to the seat of
+government in New York was a simple but beautiful ovation.
+
+Everybody tried to make it pleasant for him. He was asked at all the
+towns to build there, and 'most everybody wanted him "to come and make
+their house his home." When he got to the ferry he was not pushed off
+into the water by commuters, but lived to reach the Old Federal Hall,
+where he was sworn in.
+
+In 1791 the seat of government was removed to Philadelphia, where it
+remained for ten years, after which the United States took advantage of
+the Homestead Act and located on a tract of land ten miles square,
+known as the District of Columbia. In 1846 that part of the District
+lying on the Virginia side of the Potomac was ceded back to the State.
+
+President Washington did not have to escape from the capital to avoid
+office-seekers. He could get on a horse at his door and in five minutes
+be out of sight. He could remain in the forest back of his house until
+Martha blew the horn signifying that the man who wanted the post-office
+at Pigback had gone, and then he could return.
+
+[Illustration: MARTHA BLEW THE HORN.]
+
+How times have changed with the growth of the republic! Now Pigback has
+grown so that the name has been changed to Hogback, and the President
+avails himself of every funeral that he can possibly feel an interest
+in, to leave the swarm of jobless applicants who come to pester him to
+death for appointments.
+
+The historian begs leave to say here that the usefulness of the
+President for the good of his country and the consideration of greater
+questions will some day be reduced to very little unless he may be able
+to avoid this effort to please voters who overestimate their greatness.
+
+It is said that Washington had no library, which accounted for his
+originality. He was a vestryman in the Episcopal Church; and to see his
+tall and graceful form as he moved about from pew to pew collecting
+pence for Home Missions, was a lovely sight.
+
+As a boy he was well behaved and a careful student.
+
+At one time he was given a hatchet by his father, which----
+
+But what has the historian to do with this morbid wandering in search of
+truth?
+
+Things were very much unsettled. England had not sent a minister to this
+country, and had arranged no commercial treaty with us.
+
+Washington's Cabinet consisted of three portfolios and a rack in which
+he kept his flute-music.
+
+The three ministers were the Secretary of State, the Secretary of War,
+and the Secretary of the Treasury. There was no Attorney-General, or
+Postmaster-General, or Secretary of the Interior, or of the Navy, or
+Seed Catalogue Secretary.
+
+Hamilton, the Secretary of the Treasury, advised that Congress at the
+earliest moment provide itself with a national debt, which was done, the
+war debt being assumed by the Congressional representatives of the
+thirteen Colonies.
+
+A tax was levied on spirits, and a mint started, combining the two, and
+making the mint encourage the consumption of spirits, and thus the
+increase of the tax, very likely.
+
+A Whiskey Rebellion broke out in 1794. Pennsylvania especially rebelled
+at the tax on this grocery, but it was put down. (Those wishing to know
+which was put down will find out by consulting the Appendix, which will
+be issued a year from this winter.)
+
+A few Indian wars now kept the people interested, and a large number of
+the red brothers, under Little Turtle, soon found themselves in the
+soup, as Washington put it so tersely in his message the following year.
+Twenty-five thousand square miles north of the Ohio were obtained by
+treaty from the Indians.
+
+England claimed that traffic with America was not desirable, as the
+Americans did not pay their debts. Possibly that was true, for muskrat
+pelts were low at that time, and England refused to take cord-wood and
+saw-logs piled on the New York landing as cash.
+
+Chief-Justice Jay was sent to London to confer with the king, which he
+did. He was not invited, however, to come to the house during his stay,
+and the queen did not call on Mrs. Jay. The Jays have never recovered
+from this snub, and are still gently guyed by the comic papers.
+
+But the treaty was negotiated, and now the Americans are said to pay
+their debts as well as the nobility who marry our American girls instead
+of going into bankruptcy, as some would do.
+
+The Mississippi and the Mediterranean Sea were opened for navigation to
+American vessels now, and things looked better, for we could by this
+means exchange our cranberries for sugar and barter our Indian relics
+for camel's-hair shawls, of which the pioneers were very much in need
+during the rigorous winters in the North.
+
+The French now had a difficulty with England, and Washington, who still
+remembered La Fayette and the generous aid of the French, wished that he
+was back at Mount Vernon, working out his poll-tax on the Virginia
+roads, for he was in a tight place.
+
+It was now thought best to have two political parties, in order to
+enliven editorial thought and expression. So the Republican party,
+headed by Jefferson, Madison, and Randolph, and the Federalist party,
+led by Hamilton and Adams, were organized, and public speakers were
+engaged from a distance.
+
+The latter party supported the administration,--which was not so much
+of a job as it has been several times since.
+
+Washington declined to accept a third term, and wrote a first-rate
+farewell address. A lady, whose name is withheld, writing of those
+times, closes by saying that President Washington was one of the
+sweetest men she ever knew.
+
+[Illustration: OIL THE GEARING OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM.]
+
+John Adams succeeded Washington as President, and did not change his
+politics to amount to much.
+
+He made a good record as Congressman, but lost it as President largely
+because of his egotism. He seemed to think that if he neglected to oil
+the gearing of the solar system about so often, it would stop running.
+We should learn from this to be humble even when we are in authority.
+Adams and Jefferson were good friends during the Revolution, but
+afterwards political differences estranged them till they returned to
+private life. Adams was a poor judge of men, and offended several
+members of the press who called on him to get his message in advance.
+
+Our country was on the eve of a war with France, when Napoleon I. was
+made Consul, and peace followed.
+
+Adams's administration made the Federalists unpopular, owing to the
+Alien and Sedition laws, and Jefferson was elected the successor of
+Adams, Burr running as Vice-President with him. The election was so
+close that it went to the House, however.
+
+Jefferson, or the Sage of Monticello, was a good President, noted for
+his simplicity. He married and brought his bride home to Monticello
+prior to this. She had to come on horseback about one hundred miles,
+and, as the house was unfinished and no servants there, they had to
+sleep on the work-bench and eat what was left of the carpenter's lunch.
+
+Jeffersonian simplicity was his strong point, and people who called at
+the White House often found him sprinkling the floor of his office, or
+trying to start a fire with kerosene.
+
+Burr was Vice-President, and, noticing at once that the office did not
+attract any attention to speak of, decided to challenge Mr. Alexander
+Hamilton to fight a duel with him.
+
+[Illustration: TRYING TO START A FIRE WITH KEROSENE.]
+
+The affair took place at Weehawken, July 11, 1804. Hamilton fell at the
+first fire, on the same spot where his eldest son had been killed in the
+same way.
+
+The artist has shown us how Burr and Hamilton should have fought, but,
+alas! they were not progressive men and did not realize this till too
+late. Another method would have been to use the bloodless method of the
+French duel, or the newspaper customs adopted by the pugilists of 1893.
+The time is approaching when mortal combat in America will be confined
+to belligerent people under the influence of liquor. A newspaper assault
+instead of a duel might have made Burr President and Hamilton
+Vice-President.
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN WAY OF SETTLING DIFFERENCES.]
+
+Burr went West, and was afterwards accused of treason on the ground that
+he was trying to organize Mexico against the United States government.
+He was put in a common jail to await trial. Afterwards he was
+discharged, but was never again on good terms with the government, and
+never rose again.
+
+When he came into town and registered at the hotel the papers did not
+say anything about it; and so he stopped taking them, thus falling into
+ignorance and oblivion at the same moment, although at one time he had
+lacked but a single vote to make him President of the United States.
+
+[Illustration: NOT TOO HAUGHTY TO HAVE FUN SOMETIMES.]
+
+England and France still continued at war, and American vessels were in
+hot water a good deal, as they were liable to be overhauled by both
+parties. England especially, with the excuse that she was looking for
+deserters, stopped American vessels and searched them, going through the
+sleeping-apartments before the work was done up,--one of the rudest
+things known in international affairs.
+
+An Embargo Act was passed forbidding American vessels to leave port, an
+act which showed that the bray of the ass had begun to echo through the
+halls of legislation even at that early day.
+
+In the mean time, Jefferson had completed his second term, and James
+Madison, the Republican candidate, had succeeded him at the helm of
+state, as it was then called.
+
+His party favored a war with England, especially as the British had
+begun again to stir up the red brother.
+
+Madison was a Virginian. He was a man of unblemished character, and was
+not too haughty to have fun sometimes. This endeared him to the whole
+nation. Unlike Adams, he never swelled up so that his dignity hurt him
+under the arms. He died in 1836, genial and sunny to the last.
+
+It was now thought best to bring on the war of 1812, which began by an
+Indian attack at Tippecanoe on General Harrison's troops in 1811, when
+the Indians were defeated. June 19, 1812, war was finally declared.
+
+[Illustration: SURRENDER OF GENERAL HULL.]
+
+The first battle was between the forces under General Hull on our side
+and the English and Indians on the British side, near Detroit. The
+troops faced each other, Tecumseh being the Indian leader, and both
+armies stood ready to have one of the best battles ever given in public
+or private, when General Hull was suddenly overcome with remorse at the
+thought of shedding blood, especially among people who were so common,
+and, shaking a large table-cloth out the window in token of peace, amid
+the tears of his men, surrendered his entire command in a way that
+reminded old settlers very much of Cornwallis.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+THE WAR WITH CANADA.
+
+
+October 13, General Van Rensselaer crossed the Niagara River and
+attacked the British at Queenstown Heights. The latter retreated, and
+General Brock was killed. General Van Rensselaer went back after the
+rest of his troops, but they refused to cross, on the ground that the
+general had no right to take them out of the United States, and thus the
+troops left in charge at the Heights were compelled to surrender.
+
+These troops who refused to go over and accept a victory already won for
+them, because they didn't want to cross the Canadian line, would not
+have shied so at the boundary if they had been boodlers, very likely, in
+later years.
+
+August 19 occurred the naval fight between the Constitution and
+Guerriere, off the Massachusetts coast. The Constitution, called "Old
+Ironsides," was commanded by Captain Isaac Hull. The Guerriere was first
+to attack, but got no reply until both vessels were very close together,
+when into her starboard Captain Hull poured such a load of hardware
+that the Guerriere was soon down by the head and lop-sided on the off
+side. She surrendered, but was of no value, being so full of holes that
+she would not hold a cargo of railroad-trestles.
+
+[Illustration: IF THEY HAD BEEN BOODLERS.]
+
+The economy used by the early American warriors by land and sea
+regarding their ammunition, holding their fire until the enemy was at
+arm's length, was the cause of more than one victory. They were obliged,
+indeed, to make every bullet count in the days when even lead was not
+produced here, and powder was imported.
+
+October 13, the naval fight between the Frolic and Wasp took place, off
+the North Carolina coast. The Frolic was an English brig, and she wound
+up as most frolics do, with a severe pain and a five-dollar fine. After
+the Wasp had called and left her R. S. V. P. cards, the decks of the
+Frolic were a sight to behold. There were not enough able-bodied men to
+surrender the ship. She was captured by the boarding-crew, but there was
+not a man left of her own crew to haul down the colors.
+
+Other victories followed on the sea, and American privateers had more
+fun than anybody.
+
+Madison was re-elected, thus showing that his style of administration
+suited one and all, and the war was prosecuted at a great rate. It
+became a sort of fight with Canada, the latter being supported by
+English arms by land and sea. Of course the Americans would have
+preferred to fight England direct, and many were in favor of attacking
+London: but when the commanding officer asked those of the army who had
+the means to go abroad to please raise their right hands, it was found
+that the trip must be abandoned. Those who had the means to go did not
+have suitable clothes for making a respectable appearance, and so it was
+given up.
+
+Three divisions were made of the army, all having an attack on Canada as
+the object in view,--viz., the army of the Centre, the army of the
+North, and the army of the West. The armies of the Centre and North did
+not do much, aside from the trifling victory at York, and President
+Madison said afterwards in a letter to the writer's family that the two
+armies did not accomplish enough to pay the duty on them. The army of
+the West managed to stand off the British, though the latter still held
+Michigan and threatened Ohio.
+
+[Illustration: BUILDING THE FLEET, MEANTIME BOARDING HIMSELF.]
+
+September 10, Perry's victory on Lake Erie occurred, and was well
+received. Perry was twenty-seven years old, and was given command of a
+flotilla on Lake Erie, provided he would cut the timber and build it,
+meantime boarding himself. The British had long been in possession of
+Lake Erie, and when Perry got his scows afloat they issued invitations
+for a general display of carnage. They bore down on Perry and killed all
+the men on his flag-ship but eight. Then he helped them fire the last
+gun, and with the flag they jumped into a boat which they paddled for
+the Niagara under a galling fire. This was the first time that a galling
+fire had ever been used at sea. Perry passed within pistol-shot of the
+British, and in less than a quarter of an hour after he trod the poop of
+the Niagara he was able to write to General Harrison, "We have met the
+enemy, and they are ours."
+
+Proctor and Tecumseh were at Malden, with English and Indians, preparing
+to plunder the frontier and kill some more women and children as soon as
+they felt rested up. At the news of Perry's victory, Harrison decided to
+go over and stir them up. Arriving at Malden, he found it deserted, and
+followed the foe to the river Thames, where he charged with his Kentucky
+horsemen right through the British lines and so on down the valley,
+where they reformed and started back to charge on their rear, when the
+whole outfit surrendered except the Indians. Proctor, however, was
+mounted on a tall fox-hunter which ran away with him. He afterwards
+wrote back to General Harrison that he made every effort to surrender
+personally, but that circumstances prevented. He was greatly pained by
+this.
+
+The Americans now charged on the Indians, and Johnson, the commander of
+the Blue Grass Dragoons, fired a shot which took Tecumseh just west of
+the watch-pocket. He died, he said, tickled to death to know that he
+had been shot by an American.
+
+[Illustration: PROCTOR ON A TALL FOX-HUNTER WHICH RAN AWAY WITH HIM.]
+
+Captain Lawrence, of the Hornet, having taken the British brig Peacock,
+was given command of the Chesapeake, which he took to Boston to have
+repaired. While there, he got a challenge from the Shannon. He put to
+sea with half a crew, and a shot in his chest--that is, the arm-chest of
+the ship--burst the whole thing open and annoyed every one on board. The
+enemy boarded the Chesapeake and captured her, so Captain Lawrence, her
+brave commander, breathed his last, after begging his men not to give up
+the ship.
+
+However, the victories on the Canadian border settled the war once more
+for the time, and cheered the Americans very much.
+
+The Indians in 1813 fell upon Fort Mimms and massacred the entire
+garrison, men, women, and children, not because they felt a personal
+antipathy towards them, but because they--the red brothers--had sold
+their lands too low and their hearts were sad in their bosoms. There is
+really no fun in trading with an Indian, for he is devoid of business
+instincts, and reciprocity with the red brother has never been a
+success.
+
+General Jackson took some troops and attacked the red brother, killing
+six hundred of him and capturing the rest of the herd. Jackson did not
+want to hear the Indians speak pieces and see them smoke the pipe of
+peace, but buried the dead and went home. He had very little of the
+romantic complaint which now and then breaks out regarding the Indian,
+but knew full well that all the Indians ever born on the face of the
+earth could not compensate for the cruel and violent death of one good,
+gentle, patient American mother.
+
+Admiral Cockburn now began to pillage the coast of the Southern States
+and borrow communion services from the churches of Virginia and the
+Carolinas. He also murdered the sick in their beds.
+
+Perhaps a word of apology is due the Indians after all. Possibly they
+got their ideas from Cockburn.
+
+The battle of Lundy's Lane had been arranged for July 25, 1814, and so
+the Americans crossed Niagara under General Brown to invade Canada.
+General Winfield Scott led the advance, and gained a brilliant victory,
+July 5, at Chippewa. The second engagement was at Lundy's Lane, within
+the sound of the mighty cataract. Old man Lundy, whose lane was used for
+the purpose, said that it was one of the bloodiest fights, by a good
+many gallons, that he ever attended. The battle was, however, barren of
+results, the historian says, though really an American victory from the
+stand-point of the tactician and professional gore-spiller.
+
+In September, Sir George Prevost took twelve thousand veteran troops who
+had served under Wellington, and started for Plattsburg. The ships of
+the British at the same time opened fire on the nine-dollar American
+navy, and were almost annihilated. The troops under Prevost started in
+to fight, but, learning of the destruction of the British fleet on Lake
+Champlain, Prevost fled like a frightened fawn, leaving his sick and
+wounded and large stores of lime-juice, porridge, and plum-pudding. The
+Americans, who had been living on chopped horse-feed and ginseng-root,
+took a week off and gave themselves up to the false joys of lime-juice
+and general good feeling.
+
+[Illustration: HIS RAINBOW SMILE.]
+
+Along the coast the British destroyed everything they could lay their
+hands on; but perhaps the rudest thing they did was to enter Washington
+and burn the Capitol, the Congressional library, and the smoke-house in
+which President Madison kept his hams. Even now, when the writer is a
+guest of some great English dignitary, and perhaps at table picking the
+"merry-thought" of a canvas-back duck, the memory of this thing comes
+over him, and, burying his face in the costly napery, he gives himself
+up to grief until kind words and a celery-glass-full of turpentine, or
+something, bring back his buoyancy and rainbow smile. The hospitality
+and generous treatment of our English brother to Americans now is
+something beautiful, unaffected, and well worth a voyage across the
+qualmy sea to see, but when Cockburn burned down the Capitol and took
+the President's sugar-cured hams he did a rude act.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+THE ADVANCE OF THE REPUBLIC.
+
+
+The administration now began to suffer at the hands of the people, many
+of whom criticised the conduct of the war and that of the President
+also. People met at Hartford and spoke so harshly that the Hartford
+Federalist obtained a reputation which clung to him for many years.
+
+There being no cable in those days, the peace by Treaty of Ghent was not
+heard of in time to prevent the battle of New Orleans, January 8, 1815,
+there having been two weeks of peace as a matter of fact when this hot
+and fatal battle was fought.
+
+General Pakenham, with a force of twelve thousand men by sea and land,
+attacked the city. The land forces found General Jackson intrenched
+several miles below the city. He had used cotton for fortifications at
+first, but a hot shot had set a big bunch of it on fire and rolled it
+over towards the powder-supplies, so that he did not use cotton any
+more.
+
+General Pakenham was met by the solid phalanx of Tennessee and Kentucky
+riflemen, who reserved their fire, as usual, until the loud uniform of
+the English could be distinctly heard, when they poured into their ranks
+a galling fire, as it was so tersely designated at the time. General
+Pakenham fell mortally wounded, and his troops were repulsed, but again
+rallied, only to be again repulsed. This went on until night, when
+General Lambert, who succeeded General Pakenham, withdrew, hopelessly
+beaten, and with a loss of over two thousand men.
+
+The United States now found that an honorable peace had been obtained,
+and with a debt of $127,000,000 started in to pay it up by instalments,
+which was done inside of twenty years from the ordinary revenue.
+
+In the six years following, one State per year was added to the Union,
+and all kinds of manufactures were built up to supply the goods that had
+been cut off by the blockade during the war. Even the deluge of cheap
+goods from abroad after the war did not succeed in breaking these down.
+
+James Monroe was almost unanimously elected. He was generally beloved,
+and his administration was, in fact, known as the original "era of good
+feeling," since so successfully reproduced especially by the Governors
+of North and South Carolina. (See Appendix.)
+
+Through the efforts of Henry Clay, Missouri was admitted as a slave
+State in 1821, under the compromise that slavery should not be admitted
+into any of the Territories west of the Mississippi and north of
+parallel 36 deg. 30' N.
+
+Clay was one of the greatest men of his time, and was especially eminent
+as an eloquent and magnetic speaker in the days when the record for
+eloquence was disputed by the giants of American oratory, and before the
+Senate of the United States had become a wealthy club of men whose
+speeches are rarely printed except at so much per column, paid in
+advance.
+
+Clay was the original patentee of the slogan for campaign use.
+
+Lafayette revisited this country in 1819, and was greeted with the
+greatest hospitality. He visited the grave of Washington, and tenderly
+spoke of the grandeur of character shown by his chief.
+
+He was given the use of the Brandywine, a government ship, for his
+return. As he stood on the deck of the vessel at Pier 1, North River,
+his mind again recurred to Washington, and to those on shore he said
+that "to show Washington's love of truth, even as a child, he could tell
+an interesting incident of him relating to a little new hatchet given
+him at the time by his father." As he reached this point in his remarks,
+Lafayette noted with surprise that some one had slipped his cable from
+shore and his ship was gently shoved off by people on the pier, while
+his voice was drowned in the notes of the New York Oompah Oompah Band as
+it struck up "Johnny, git yer Gun."
+
+Florida was ceded to the United States in the same year by Spain, and
+was sprinkled over with a light coating of sand for the waves to monkey
+with. The Everglades of Florida are not yet under cultivation.
+
+Mr. Monroe became the author of what is now called the "Monroe
+doctrine,"--viz., that the effort of any foreign country to obtain
+dominion in America would thereafter and forever afterwards be regarded
+as an unfriendly act. Rather than be regarded as unfriendly, foreign
+countries now refrain from doing their dominion or dynasty work here.
+
+The Whigs now appeared, and the old Republican party became known as the
+Democratic party. John Quincy Adams and Henry Clay were Whigs, and John
+C. Calhoun and Andrew Jackson were Democrats. The Whigs favored a high
+protective tariff and internal improvement. The Democrats did not favor
+anything especially, but bitterly opposed the Whig measures, whatever
+they were.
+
+In 1825, John Quincy Adams, son of John Adams, was elected President,
+and served one term. He was a bald-headed man, and the country was
+given four years of unexampled prosperity. Yet this experience has not
+been regarded by the people as it should have been. Other kinds of men
+have repeatedly been elected to that office, only to bring sorrow, war,
+debt, and bank-failures upon us. Sometimes it would seem to the thinking
+mind that, as a people, we need a few car-loads of sense in each
+school-district, where it can be used at a moment's notice.
+
+[Illustration: BALD-HEADED MEN NOT APPRECIATED.]
+
+Adams was not re-elected, on account of his tariff ideas, which were not
+popular at the South. He was called "The old man eloquent," and it is
+said that during his more impassioned passages his head, which was round
+and extremely smooth, became flushed, so that, from resembling the
+cue-ball on the start, as he rose to more lofty heights his dome of
+thought looked more like the spot ball on a billiard-table. No one else
+in Congress at that time had succeeded in doing this.
+
+John Quincy Adams was succeeded in 1829 by Andrew Jackson, the hero of
+New Orleans. Jackson was the first to introduce what he called "rotation
+in office." During the forty years previous there had been but
+seventy-four removals; Jackson made seven hundred. This custom has been
+pretty generally adopted since, giving immense satisfaction to those who
+thrive upon the excitement of offensive partisanship and their wives'
+relations, while those who have legitimate employment and pay taxes
+support and educate a new official kindergarten with every change of
+administration.
+
+The prophet sees in the distance an eight-year term for the President,
+and employment thereafter as "charge-d'affaires" of the United States,
+with permission to go beyond the seas. Thus the vast sums of money and
+rivers of rum used in the intervening campaigns at present will be used
+for the relief of the widow and orphan. The ex-President then, with the
+portfolio of International Press Agent for the United States, could go
+abroad and be feted by foreign governments, leaving dyspepsia everywhere
+in his wake and crowned heads with large damp towels on them.
+
+Every ex-President should have some place where he could go and hide his
+shame. A trip around the world would require a year, and by that time
+the voters would be so disgusted with the new President that the old
+one would come like a healing balm, and he would be permitted to die
+without publishing a bulletin of his temperature and showing his tongue
+to the press for each edition of the paper.
+
+South Carolina in 1832 passed a nullification act declaring the tariff
+act "null and void" and announcing that the State would secede from the
+Union if force were used to collect any revenue at Charleston. South
+Carolina has always been rather "advanced" regarding the matter of
+seceding from the American Union.
+
+President Jackson, however, ordered General Scott and a number of troops
+to go and see that the laws were enforced; but no trouble resulted, and
+soon more satisfactory measures were enacted, through the large
+influence of Mr. Clay.
+
+Jackson was unfriendly to the Bank of the United States, and the bank
+retaliated by contracting its loans, thus making money-matters hard to
+get hold of by the masses.
+
+"When the public money," says the historian, "which had been withdrawn
+from the Bank of the United States was deposited in local banks, money
+was easy and speculation extended to every branch of trade. New cities
+were laid out; fabulous prices were charged for building-lots which
+existed only on paper" etc. And in Van Buren's time the people paid the
+violinist, as they have in 1893, with ruin and remorse.
+
+Speculation which is unprofitable should never be encouraged.
+Unprofitable speculation is only another term for idiocy. But, on the
+other hand, profitable speculation leads to prosperity, public esteem,
+and the ability to keep a team. We may distinguish the one from the
+other by means of ascertaining the difference between them. If one finds
+on waking up in the morning that he experiences a sensation of being in
+the poor-house, he may almost at once jump to the conclusion that the
+kind of speculation he selected was the wrong one.
+
+The Black Hawk War occurred in the Northwest Territory in 1832. It grew
+out of the fact that the Sacs and Foxes sold their lands to the United
+States and afterwards regretted that they had not asked more for them:
+so they refused to vacate, until several of them had been used up on the
+asparagus-beds of the husbandman.
+
+[Illustration: SCALPING A MAN BETWEEN THE SOUP AND THE REMOVE.]
+
+The Florida War (1835) grew out of the fact that the Seminoles
+regretted having made a dicker with the government at too low a price
+for land. Osceola, the chief, regretted the matter so much that he
+scalped General Thompson while the latter was at dinner, which shows
+that the Indian is not susceptible to cultivation or the acquisition of
+any knowledge of table etiquette whatever. What could be in poorer taste
+than scalping a man between the soup and the remove? The same day Major
+Dade with one hundred men was waylaid, and all but four of the party
+killed.
+
+Seven years later the Indians were subdued.
+
+Phrenologically the Indian allows his alimentiveness to overbalance his
+group of organs which show veneration, benevolence, fondness for
+society, fetes champetres, etc., hope, love of study, fondness for
+agriculture, an unbridled passion for toil, etc.
+
+France owed five million dollars for damages to our commerce in
+Napoleon's wars, and, Napoleon himself being entirely worthless, having
+said every time that the bill was presented that he would settle it as
+soon as he got back from St. Helena, Jackson ordered reprisals to be
+made, but England acted as a peacemaker, and the bill was paid. On
+receiving the money a trunk attached by our government and belonging to
+Napoleon was released.
+
+Space here, and the nature of this work, forbid an extended opinion
+regarding the course pursued by Napoleon in this matter. His tomb is in
+the basement of the Hotel des Invalides in Paris, and you are requested
+not to _fumer_ while you are there.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: FITTED IN PARIS AT GREAT EXPENSE.]
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+MORE DIFFICULTIES STRAIGHTENED OUT.
+
+
+Van Buren, the eighth President, was unfortunate in taking the helm as
+the financial cyclone struck the country. This was brought about by
+scarcity of funds more than anything else. Business-men would not pay
+their debts, and, though New York was not then so large as at present,
+one hundred million dollars were lost in sixty days in this way.
+
+The government had required the payments for public lands to be made in
+coin, and so the Treasury had plenty of gold and silver, while business
+had nothing to work with. Speculation also had made a good many snobs
+who had sent their gold and silver abroad for foreign luxuries, also
+some paupers who could not do so. When a man made some money from the
+sale of rural lots he had his hats made abroad, and his wife had her
+dresses fitted in Paris at great expense. Confidence was destroyed, and
+the air was heavy with failures and apprehension of more failures to
+come.
+
+The Canadians rebelled against England, and many of our people wanted to
+unite with Canada against the mother-country, but the police would not
+permit them to do so. General Scott was sent to the frontier to keep our
+people from aiding the Canadians.
+
+[Illustration: LORD ASHBURTON AND DANIEL WEBSTER.]
+
+There was trouble in the Northeast over the boundary between Maine and
+New Brunswick, but it was settled by the commissioners, Daniel Webster
+and Lord Ashburton. Webster was a smart man and a good extemporaneous
+speaker.
+
+Van Buren failed of a re-election, as the people did not fully endorse
+his administration. Administrations are not generally endorsed where the
+people are unable to get over six pounds of sugar for a dollar.
+
+General Harrison, who followed in 1841, died soon after choosing his
+Cabinet, and his Vice-President, John Tyler, elected as a Whig,
+proceeded to act as President, but not as a Whig President should. His
+party passed a bill establishing the United States Bank, but Tyler
+vetoed it, and the men who elected him wished they had been as dead as
+Rameses was at the time.
+
+Dorr's justly celebrated rebellion in Rhode Island was an outbreak
+resulting from restricting the right of suffrage to those who owned
+property. A new Constitution was adopted, and Dorr chosen as Governor.
+He was not recognized, and so tried to capture the seat while the
+regular governor was at tea. He got into jail for life, but was
+afterwards pardoned out and embraced the Christian religion.
+
+In 1844 the Anti-Rent War in the State of New York broke out among those
+who were tenants of the old "Patroon Estates." These men, disguised as
+Indians, tarred and feathered those who paid rent, and killed the
+collectors who were sent to them. In 1846 the matter was settled by the
+military.
+
+[Illustration: TARRED AND FEATHERED FOR PAYING RENT.]
+
+In 1840 the Mormons had settled at Nauvoo, Illinois. They were led by
+Joseph Smith, and not only proposed to run a new kind of religion, but
+introduced polygamy into it. The people who lived near them attacked
+them, killed Smith, and drove the Mormons to Iowa, opposite Omaha.
+
+In 1844 occurred the building of the magnetic telegraph, invented by
+Samuel F. B. Morse. The line was from Baltimore to Washington, or _vice
+versa_,--authorities failing to agree on this matter. It cost thirty
+thousand dollars, and the boys who delivered the messages made more out
+of it then than the stockholders did.
+
+Fulton having invented and perfected the steamboat in 1805 and started
+the Clermont on the North River at the dizzy rate of five miles per
+hour, and George Stephenson having in 1814 made the first locomotive to
+run on a track, the people began to feel that theosophy was about all
+they needed to place them on a level with the seraphim and other astral
+bodies.
+
+[Illustration: THE MESSENGER-BOYS MADE MORE OUT OF IT THAN THE
+STOCKHOLDERS.]
+
+Texas had, under the guidance of Sam Houston, obtained her independence
+from Mexico, and asked for admission to the Union. Congress at first
+rejected her, fearing that the Texas people lacked cultivation, being so
+far away from the thought-ganglia of the East, also fearing a war with
+Mexico; but she was at last admitted, and now every one is glad of it.
+
+The Whigs were not in favor of the admission of Texas, and made that the
+issue of the following campaign, Henry Clay leading his party to a
+hospitable grave in the fall. James K. Polk, a Democrat, was elected.
+His rallying cry was, "I am a Democrat."
+
+The Mexican War now came on. General Taylor's army met the enemy first
+at Palo Alto, where he ran across the Mexicans six thousand strong, and,
+though he had but two thousand men, drove them back, only losing nine
+men. This was the most economical battle of the war.
+
+The next afternoon he met the enemy at Resaca de la Palma, and whipped
+him in the time usually required to ejaculate the word "scat!"
+
+Next General Taylor proceeded against Monterey, September 24, and with
+six thousand men attacked the strongly-fortified city, which held ten
+thousand troops. The Americans avoided the heavy fire as well as
+possible by entering the city and securing rooms at the best hotel,
+leaving word at the office that they did not wish to be disturbed by the
+enemy. In fact, the soldiers did dig their way through from house to
+house to avoid the volleys from the windows, and thus fought to within a
+square of the Grand Plaza, when the city surrendered. The Grand Plaza is
+generally a sandy vacant lot, where Mexicans sell _tamales_ made of the
+highly-peppered but tempting cutlets of the Mexican hairless dog.
+
+The battle of Buena Vista took place February 23, 1847, General Santa
+Anna commanding the Mexicans. He had twenty thousand men, and General
+Taylor's troops were reduced in numbers. The fight was a hot one,
+lasting all day, and the Americans were saved by Bragg's artillery.
+Bragg used the old Colonial method of rolling his guns up to the nose of
+the enemy and then discharging an iron-foundry into his midst. This
+disgusted the enemy so that General Santa Anna that evening took the
+shreds of his army and went away.
+
+[Illustration: THE FIGHT WAS A HOT ONE.]
+
+General Kearney was sent to take New Mexico and California. His work
+consisted mainly in marching for General Fremont, who had been surveying
+a new route to Oregon, and had with sixty men been so successful that on
+the arrival of Kearney, with the aid of Commodores Sloat and Stockton,
+California was captured, and has given general satisfaction to every
+one.
+
+In March, 1847, General Scott, with twelve thousand men, bombarded Vera
+Cruz four days, and at the end of that time the city was surrendered.
+
+At Cerro Gordo, a week later, Scott overtook the enemy under General
+Santa Anna, and made such a fierce attack that the Mexicans were
+completely routed. Santa Anna left his leg on the field of battle and
+rode away on a pet mule named Charlotte Corday. The leg was preserved
+and taken to the Smithsonian Institute. It is made of second-growth
+hickory, and has a brass ferrule and a rubber eraser on the end. General
+Taylor afterwards taunted him with this incident, and, though greatly
+irritated, Santa Anna said there was no use trying to kick.
+
+Puebla resisted not, and the army marched into the city of Mexico August
+7. The road was rendered disagreeable by strong fortifications and
+thirty thousand men who were not on good terms with Scott. The
+environments and suburbs one after another were taken, and a parley for
+peace ensued, during which the Mexicans were busy fortifying some more
+on the quiet.
+
+September 8 the Americans made their assault, and carried the outworks
+one by one. Then the castle of Chapultepec was stormed. First the outer
+works were scaled, which made them much more desirable, and the moat was
+removed by means of a stomach-pump and blotting-pad, and then the
+escarpment was up-ended, the Don John tower was knocked silly by a
+solid shot, and the castle capitulated.
+
+Thus on the 14th of September the old flag floated over the court-house
+of Mexico, and General Scott ate his tea in the palace of the
+Montezumas. Peace was declared February 2, 1848, and the United States
+owned the vast country southward to the Gila (pronounced Heeler) and
+west to the Pacific Ocean.
+
+The Wilmot Proviso was invented by David Wilmot, a poor, struggling
+member of Congress, who moved that in any territory acquired by the
+United States slavery should be prohibited except upon the advice of a
+physician. The motion was lost.
+
+Gold was discovered in the Sacramento Valley in August, 1848, by a
+workman who was building a mill-race. A struggle ensued over this ground
+as to who should own the race. It threatened to terminate in a race war,
+but was settled amicably.
+
+In eighteen months one hundred thousand people went to the scene.
+Thousands left their skeletons with the red brother, and other thousands
+left theirs on the Isthmus of Panama or on the cruel desert. Many
+married men went who had been looking a long time for some good place to
+go to. Leaving their wives with ill-concealed relief, they started away
+through a country filled with death, to reach a country they knew not
+of. Some died _en route_, others were hanged, and still others became
+the heads of new families. Some came back and carried water for their
+wives to wash clothing for their neighbors.
+
+[Illustration: SOME CAME BACK AND CARRIED WATER FOR THEIR WIVES TO WASH
+CLOTHING.]
+
+It was a long hard trip then across the plains. One of the author's
+friends at the age of thirteen years drove a little band of cows from
+the State of Indiana to Sacramento. He says he would not do it again for
+anything. He is now a man, and owns a large prune-orchard in California,
+and people tell him he is getting too stout, and that he ought to
+exercise more, and that he ought to walk every day several miles; but he
+shakes his head, and says, "No, I will not walk any to-day, and possibly
+not to-morrow or the day following. Do not come to me and refer to
+taking a walk: I have tried that. Possibly you take me for a dromedary;
+but you are wrong. I am a fat man, and may die suddenly some day while
+lacing up my shoes, but when I go anywhere I ride."
+
+When he got to Sacramento, where gold was said to be so plentiful, he
+was glad to wash dishes for his board, and he went and hired himself out
+to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into the fields for to
+feed swine, and he would fain have filled his system with the California
+peaches which the swine did eat, and he began to be in want, and no man
+gave unto him, and if he had spent his substance in riotous living, he
+said, it would have been different.
+
+About thirty years after that he arose and went unto his father, and
+carried his dinner with him, also a government bond and a new suit of
+raiment for the old gentleman.
+
+I do not know what we should learn from this.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+THE WEBSTERS.
+
+
+Daniel Webster, together with Mr. Clay, had much to do with the
+Compromise measures of 1850. These consisted in the admission of
+California as a free State, the organizing of the Territories of Utah
+and New Mexico without any provision regarding slavery pro or con, the
+payment to Texas of one hundred million dollars for New Mexico,--which
+was a good trade for Texas,--the prohibition of the slave-trade in the
+District of Columbia, and the enactment of a Fugitive Slave Law
+permitting owners of slaves to follow them into the free States and take
+them back in irons, if necessary. The officials and farmers of the free
+States were also expected to turn out, call the dog, leave their work,
+and help catch these chattels and carry them to the south-bound train.
+
+Daniel Webster was born in 1782, and Noah in 1758. Daniel was educated
+at Dartmouth College, where he was admitted in 1797. He taught school
+winters and studied summers, as many other great men have done since,
+until he knew about everything that anybody could. What Dan did not
+know, Noah did.
+
+Strange to say, Daniel was frightened to death when first called upon to
+speak a piece. He says he committed dozens of pieces to memory and
+recited them to the woods and crags and cows and stone abutments of the
+New England farms, but could not stand up before a school and utter a
+word.
+
+[Illustration: DANIEL WEBSTER COULD NOT STAND UP BEFORE A SCHOOL AND
+UTTER A WORD.]
+
+In 1801 he studied law with Thomas W. Thompson, afterwards United States
+Senator. He read then for the first time that "Law is a rule of action
+prescribing what is right and prohibiting what is wrong."
+
+In 1812 he was elected to Congress, and in 1813 made his maiden speech.
+One of his most masterly speeches was made on economical and financial
+subjects; and yet in order to get his blue broadcloth coat with brass
+buttons from the tailor-shop to wear while making the speech, he had to
+borrow twenty-five dollars.
+
+When the country has wanted a man to talk well on these subjects it has
+generally been compelled to advance money to him before he could make a
+speech. Sometimes he has to be taken from the pawn-shop. Webster, it is
+said, was the most successful lawyer, after he returned to Boston, that
+the State of Massachusetts has ever known; and yet his mail was full of
+notices from banks down East, announcing that he had overdrawn his
+account.
+
+Once he was hard pressed for means, as he was trying to run a farm, and
+running a farm costs money: so he went to a bank to borrow. He hated to
+do it, because he had no special inducements to offer a bank or to make
+it hilariously loan him money.
+
+"How much did you think you would need, Mr. Webster?" asked the
+President, cutting off some coupons as he spoke and making paper dolls
+of them.
+
+"Well, I could get along very well," said Webster, in that deep,
+resinous voice of his, "if I could have two thousand dollars."
+
+"Well, you remember," said the banker, "do you not, that you have two
+thousand dollars here, that you deposited five years ago, after you had
+dined with the Governor of North Carolina?"
+
+"No, I had forgotten about that," said Webster. "Give me a blank check
+without unnecessary delay."
+
+We may learn from this that Mr. Webster was not a careful man in the
+matter of detail.
+
+His speech on the two-hundredth anniversary of the landing of the
+Pilgrims was a good thing, and found its way into the press of the time.
+His speech at the laying of the corner-stone of the Bunker Hill
+Monument, and his eulogy of Adams and Jefferson, were beautiful and
+thrilling.
+
+Daniel Webster had a very large brain, and used to loan his hat to
+brother Senators now and then when their heads were paining them,
+provided he did not want it himself.
+
+His reply to Robert Y. Hayne, of South Carolina, in 1830, was regarded
+as one of his ablest parliamentary efforts. Hayne attacked New England,
+and first advanced the doctrine of nullification, which was even more
+dangerous than secession,--Jefferson Davis in 1860 denying that he had
+ever advocated or favored such a doctrine.
+
+Webster spoke extempore, and people sent out for their lunch rather than
+go away in the midst of his remarks.
+
+Webster married twice, but did not let that make any difference with his
+duty to his country.
+
+[Illustration: SENT OUT FOR THEIR LUNCH RATHER THAN GO AWAY IN THE MIDST
+OF HIS REMARKS.]
+
+He tried to farm it some, but did not amass a large sum, owing to his
+heavy losses in trying year after year to grow Saratoga potatoes for
+the Boston market.
+
+No American, foreign or domestic, ever made a greater name for himself
+than Daniel Webster, but he was not so good a penman as Noah; Noah was
+the better pen-writer.
+
+Noah Webster also had the better command of language of the two. Those
+who have read his great work entitled "Webster's Elementary
+Spelling-Book, or, How One Word Led to Another," will agree with me that
+he was smart. Noah never lacked for a word by which to express himself.
+He was a brainy man and a good speller.
+
+One by one our eminent men are passing away. Mr. Webster has passed
+away; Napoleon Bonaparte is no more; and Dr. Mary Walker is fading away.
+This has been a severe winter on Red Shirt; and I have to guard against
+the night air a good deal myself.
+
+It would ill become me, at this late date, to criticise Mr. Webster's
+work, a work that is now, I may say, in nearly every home and
+school-room in the land. It is a great book. I only hope that had Mr.
+Webster lived he would have been equally fair in his criticism of my
+books.
+
+I hate to compare my books with Mr. Webster's, because it looks
+egotistical in me; but, although Noah's book is larger than mine, and
+has more literary attractions as a book to set a child on at the table,
+it does not hold the interest of the reader all the way through.
+
+He has introduced too many characters into his book at the expense of
+the plot. It is a good book to pick up and while away a leisure hour,
+perhaps, but it is not a work that could rivet your interest till
+midnight, while the fire went out and the thermometer stepped down to
+47 deg. below zero. You do not hurry through the pages to see whether
+Reginald married the girl or not. Mr. Webster did not seem to care how
+the affair turned out.
+
+Therein consists the great difference between Noah and myself. He
+doesn't keep up the interest. A friend of mine at Sing Sing, who secured
+one of my books, said he never left his room till he had devoured it. He
+said he seemed chained to the spot; and if you can't believe a convict
+who is entirely out of politics, whom, in the name of George Washington,
+can you trust?
+
+[Illustration: NEVER LEFT HIS ROOM TILL HE HAD DEVOURED IT.]
+
+Mr. Webster was certainly a most brilliant writer, though a little
+inclined, perhaps, to be wordy. I have discovered in some of his later
+books one hundred and eighteen thousand words no two of which are alike.
+This shows great fluency and versatility, it is true, but we need
+something else. The reader waits in vain to be thrilled by the author's
+wonderful word-painting. There is not a thrill in the whole tome.
+
+I had heard so much of Mr. Webster that when I read his book I confess I
+was disappointed. It is cold, methodical, dry, and dispassionate in the
+extreme, and one cannot help comparing it with the works of James
+Fenimore Cooper and Horace.
+
+As I said, however, it is a good book to pick up for the purpose of
+whiling away an idle hour. No one should travel without Mr. Webster's
+tale. Those who examine this tale will readily see why there were no
+flies on the author. He kept them off with this tale.
+
+It is a good book, as I say, to take up for a moment, or to read on the
+train, or to hold the door open on a hot day. I would never take a long
+railroad ride without it, eyether. I would as soon forget my bottle of
+cough-medicine.
+
+Mr. Webster's Speller had an immense sale. Ten years ago he had sold
+forty million copies. And yet it had this same defect. It was cold,
+dull, disconnected, and verbose. There was only one good thing in the
+book, and that was a little literary gem regarding a boy who broke in
+and stole the apples of a total stranger. The story was so good that I
+have often wondered whom Mr. Webster got to write it for him.
+
+The old man, it seems, at first told the boy that he had better come
+down, as there was a draught in the tree; but the young
+sass-box--apple-sass-box, I presume--told him to avaunt.
+
+At last the old man said, "Come down, honey. I am afraid the limb will
+break if you don't." Then, as the boy still remained, he told him that
+those were not eating-apples, that they were just common cooking-apples,
+and that there were worms in them. But the boy said he didn't mind a
+little thing like that. So then the old gentleman got irritated, and
+called the dog, and threw turf at the boy, and at last saluted him with
+pieces of turf and decayed cabbages; and after the lad had gone away the
+old man pried the bull-dog's jaws open and found a mouthful of
+pantaloons and a freckle.
+
+I do not tell this, of course, in Mr. Webster's language, but I give the
+main points as they recur now to my mind.
+
+Though I have been a close student of Mr. Webster for years and have
+carefully examined his style, I am free to say that his ideas about
+writing a book are not the same as mine. Of course it is a great
+temptation for a young author to write a book that will have a large
+sale; but that should not be all. We should have a higher object than
+that, and strive to interest those who read the book. It should not be
+jerky and scattering in its statements.
+
+I do not wish to do an injustice to a great man who is now no more, a
+man who did so much for the world and who could spell the longest word
+without hesitation, but I speak of these things just as I would expect
+others to criticise my work. If one aspire to be a member of the
+_literati_ of his day, he must expect to be criticised. I have been
+criticised myself. When I was in public life,--as a justice of the peace
+in the Rocky Mountains,--a man came in one day and criticised me so that
+I did not get over it for two weeks.
+
+I might add, though I dislike to speak of it now, that Mr. Webster was
+at one time a member of the Legislature of Massachusetts. I believe that
+was the only time he ever stepped aside from the strait and narrow way.
+A good many people do not know this, but it is true.
+
+Mr. Webster was also a married man, yet he never murmured or repined.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+BEFO' THE WAH--CAUSES WHICH LED TO IT--MASTERLY GRASP OF THE SUBJECT
+SHOWN BY THE AUTHOR.
+
+
+A Man named Lopez in 1851 attempted to annex Cuba, thus furnishing for
+our Republican wrapper a genuine Havana filler; but he failed, and was
+executed, while his plans were not.
+
+Franklin Pierce was elected President on the Democratic ticket, running
+against General Scott, the Whig candidate. Slavery began to be discussed
+again, when Stephen A. Douglas, in Congress, advocated squatter
+sovereignty, or the right for each Territory to decide whether it would
+be a free or a slave State. The measure became a law in 1854.
+
+That was what made trouble in Kansas. The two elements, free and slave,
+were arrayed against each other, and for several years friends from
+other States had to come over and help Kansas bury its dead. The
+condition of things for some time was exceedingly mortifying to the
+citizen who went out to milk after dark without his gun.
+
+Trouble with Mexico arose, owing to the fact that the government had
+used a poor and unreliable map in establishing the line: so General
+Gadsden made a settlement for the disputed ground, and we paid Mexico
+ten millions of dollars. It is needless to say that we have since seen
+the day when we wished that we had it back.
+
+[Illustration: EXCEEDINGLY MORTIFYING TO THE CITIZEN WHO WENT TO MILK
+WITHOUT HIS GUN.]
+
+Two ports of entry were now opened to us in Japan by Commodore Perry's
+Expedition, and cups and saucers began to be more plentiful in this
+country, many of the wealthier deciding at that time not to cool tea in
+the saucer or drink it vociferously from that vessel. This custom and
+the Whig party passed away at the same time.
+
+The Republican or Anti-Slavery party nominated for President John C.
+Fremont, who received the vote of eleven States, but James Buchanan was
+elected, and proved to the satisfaction of the world that there is
+nothing to prevent any unemployed man's applying for the Presidency of
+the United States; also that if his life has been free from ideas and
+opinions he may be elected sometimes where one who has been caught in
+the very act of thinking, and had it proved on him, might be defeated.
+
+Chief Justice Taney now stated that slaves could be taken into any State
+of the Union by their owners without forfeiting the rights of ownership.
+This was called the Dred Scott decision, and did much to irritate
+Abolitionists like John Brown, whose soul as this book goes to press is
+said to be marching on. Brown was a Kansas man with a mission and
+massive whiskers. He would be called now a crank; but his action in
+seizing a United States arsenal at Harper's Ferry and declaring the
+slaves free was regarded by the South as thoroughly representative of
+the Northern feeling.
+
+The country now began to be in a state of restlessness. Brown had been
+captured and hanged as a traitor. Northern men were obliged to leave
+their work every little while to catch a negro, crate him, and return
+him to his master or give him a lift towards Canada; and, as the negro
+was replenishing the earth at an astonishing rate, general alarm broke
+out.
+
+Douglas was the champion of squatter sovereignty, John C. Breckinridge
+of the doctrine that slaves could be checked through as personal baggage
+into any State of the Union, and Lincoln of the anti-slavery principle
+which afterwards constituted the spinal column of the Federal Government
+as opposed to the Confederacy of the seceded States.
+
+[Illustration: OBLIGED TO LEAVE THEIR WORK EVERY LITTLE WHILE TO CATCH A
+NEGRO.]
+
+Lincoln was elected, which reminded him of an anecdote. Douglas and
+several other candidates were defeated, which did not remind them of
+anything.
+
+South Carolina seceded in December, 1860, and soon after Mississippi,
+Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas followed suit.
+
+The following February the Confederacy was organized at Montgomery,
+Alabama, and Jefferson Davis was elected President. Long and patient
+effort on the part of the historian to ascertain how he liked it has
+been entirely barren of results. Alexander H. Stephens was made
+Vice-President.
+
+Everything belonging to the United States and not thoroughly fastened
+down was carried away by the Confederacy, while President Buchanan
+looked the other way or wrote airy persiflage to tottering dynasties
+which slyly among themselves characterized him as a neat and cleanly old
+lady.
+
+Had Buchanan been a married man it is generally believed now that his
+wife would have prevented the war. Then she would have called James out
+from under the bed and allowed him to come to the table for his meals
+with the family. But he was not married, and the war came on.
+
+Major Anderson was afraid to remain at Fort Moultrie in Charleston
+Harbor, so crossed over to Fort Sumter. The South regarded this as
+hostility, and the fort was watched to see if any one should attempt to
+divide his lunch with the garrison, which it was declared would be
+regarded as an act of defiance. The reader will see by this that a deaf
+and dumb asylum in Northern Michigan was about the only safe place for a
+peaceable man at that time.
+
+President Lincoln found himself placed at the head of a looted
+government on the sharp edge of a crisis that had not been properly
+upholstered. The Buchanan cabinet had left little except a burglar's
+tool or two here and there to mark its operations, and, with the aged
+and infirm General Scott at the head of a little army, and no
+encouragement except from the Abolitionists, many of whom had never seen
+a colored man outside of a minstrel performance, the President stole
+incog. into Washington, like a man who had agreed to lecture there.
+
+Southern officers resigned daily from the army and navy to go home and
+join the fortunes of their several States. Meantime, the Federal
+government moved about like a baby elephant loaded with shot, while the
+new Confederacy got men, money, arms, and munitions of war from every
+conceivable point.
+
+Finding that supplies were to be sent to Major Anderson, General Peter
+G. T. Beauregard summoned Major Anderson to surrender. General
+Beauregard, after the war, became one of the good, kind gentlemen who
+annually stated over their signatures that they had examined the
+Louisiana State Lottery and that there was no deception about it. The
+Lottery felt grateful for this, and said that the general should never
+want while it had a roof of its own.
+
+Major Anderson had seventy men, while General Beauregard had seven
+thousand. After a bombardment and a general fight of thirty-four hours,
+the starved and suffocated garrison yielded to overwhelming numbers.
+
+President Lincoln was not admired by a class of people in the North and
+South who heard with horror that he had at one time worked for ten
+dollars a month. They thought the President's salary too much for him,
+and feared that he would buy watermelons with it. They also feared that
+some day he might tell a funny story in the presence of Queen Victoria.
+The snobocracy could hardly sleep nights for fear that Lincoln at a
+state dinner might put sugar and cream in his cold consomme.
+
+Jefferson Davis, it was said, knew more of etiquette in a minute than
+Lincoln knew all his life.
+
+The capture of Sumter united the North and unified the South. It made
+"war Democrats"--_i.e._, Democrats who had voted against Lincoln--join
+him in the prosecution of the war. More United States property was
+cheerfully appropriated by the Confederacy, which showed that it was
+alive and kicking from the very first minute it was born.
+
+Confederate troops were sent into Virginia and threatened the Capitol at
+Washington, and would have taken it if the city had not, in summer, been
+regarded as unhealthful.
+
+The Sixth Massachusetts Regiment, hurrying to the capital, was attacked
+in Baltimore and several men were killed. This was the first actual
+bloodshed in the civil war which caused rivers and lakes and torrents of
+the best blood of North and South to cover the fair, sweet clover fields
+and blue-grass meadows made alone for peace.
+
+The general opinion of the author, thirty-five years afterwards, is that
+the war was as unavoidable as the deluge, and as idiotic in its
+incipiency as Adam's justly celebrated defence in the great "Apple Sass
+Case."
+
+Men will fight until it is educated out of them, just as they will no
+doubt retain rudimentary tails and live in trees till they know better.
+It's all owing to how a man was brought up.
+
+Of course after we have been drawn into the fight and been fined and
+sent home, we like to maintain that we were fighting for our home, or
+liberty, or the flag, or something of the kind. We hate to admit that,
+as a nation, we fought and paid for it afterwards with our family's
+bread-money just because we were irritated. That's natural; but most
+great wars are arranged by people who stay at home and sell groceries to
+the widow and orphan and old maids at one hundred per cent. advance.
+
+Arlington Heights and Alexandria were now seized and occupied by the
+Union troops for the protection of Washington, and mosquito-wires were
+put up in the Capitol windows to keep the largest of the rebels from
+coming in and biting Congress.
+
+Fort Monroe was garrisoned by a force under General Benjamin F. Butler,
+and an expedition was sent out against Big Bethel. On the way the
+Federal troops fired into each other, which pleased the Confederates
+very much indeed. The Union troops were repulsed with loss, and went
+back to the fort, where they stated that they were disappointed in the
+war.
+
+West Virginia was strongly for the Union in sentiment, and was set off
+from the original State of Virginia, and, after some fighting the first
+year of the war over its territory, came into line with the Northern
+States. The fighting here was not severe. Generals McClellan and
+Rosecrans (Union) and Lee (Confederate) were the principal commanders.
+
+The first year of the war was largely spent in sparring for wind, as one
+very able authority has it.
+
+In the next chapter reference will be made to the battle of Bull Run,
+and the odium will be placed where it belongs. The author reluctantly
+closes this chapter in order to go out and get some odium for that
+purpose.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+BULL RUN AND OTHER BATTLES.
+
+
+On the 21st of July, 1861, occurred the battle of Bull Run, under the
+joint management of General Irwin McDowell and General P. G. T.
+Beauregard. After a sharp conflict, the Confederates were repulsed, but
+rallied again under General T. J. Jackson, called thereafter Stonewall
+Jackson. While the Federals were striving to beat Jackson back, troops
+under Generals Early and Kirby Smith from Manassas Junction were hurled
+against their flank.[5] McDowell's men retreated, and as they reached
+the bridge a shell burst among their crowded and chaotic numbers. A
+caisson was upset, and a panic ensued, many of the troops continuing at
+a swift canter till they reached the Capitol, where they could call on
+the sergeant-at-arms to preserve order.
+
+As a result of this run on the banks of the Potomac, the North suddenly
+decided that the war might last a week or two longer than at first
+stated, that the foe could not be killed with cornstalks, and that a
+mistake had been made in judging that the rebellion wasn't loaded.[6]
+Half a million men were called for and five hundred million dollars
+voted. General George B. McClellan took command of the Army of the
+Potomac.
+
+The battle of Ball's Bluff resulted disastrously to the Union forces,
+and two thousand men were mostly driven into the Potomac, some drowned
+and others shot. Colonel Baker, United States Senator from Oregon, was
+killed.
+
+The war in Missouri now opened. Captain Lyon reserved the United States
+arsenal at St. Louis, and defeated Colonel Marmaduke at Booneville.
+General Sigel was defeated at Carthage, July 5, by the Confederates: so
+Lyon, with five thousand men, decided to attack more than twice that
+number of the enemy under Price and McCulloch, which he did, August 10,
+at Wilson's Creek. He was killed while making a charge, and his men were
+defeated.
+
+General Fremont then took command, and drove Price to Springfield, but
+he was in a short time replaced by General Hunter, because his war
+policy was offensive to the enemy. Hunter was soon afterwards removed,
+and Major-General Halleck took his place. Halleck gave general
+satisfaction to the enemy, and even his red messages from Washington,
+where he boarded during the war, were filled with nothing but kindness
+for the misguided foe.
+
+Davis early in the war commissioned privateers, and Lincoln blockaded
+the Southern ports. The North had but one good vessel at the time, and
+those who have tried to blockade four or five thousand miles of hostile
+coast with one vessel know full well what it is to be busy. The entire
+navy consisted of forty-two ships, and some of these were not seaworthy.
+Some of them were so pervious that their guns had to be tied on to keep
+them from leaking through the cracks of the vessel.
+
+Hatteras Inlet was captured, and Commodore Dupont, aided by General
+Thomas W. Sherman, captured Port Royal Entrance and Tybee Island. Port
+Royal became the depot for the fleet.
+
+It was now decided at the South to send Messrs. Mason and Slidell to
+England, partly for change of scene and rest, and partly to make a
+friendly call on Queen Victoria and invite her to come and spend the
+season at Asheville, North Carolina. It was also hoped that she would
+give a few readings from her own works at the South, while her retinue
+could go to the front and have fun with the Yankees, if so disposed.
+
+[Illustration: HOPED SHE WOULD GIVE A FEW READINGS FROM HER OWN WORKS.]
+
+These gentlemen, wearing their nice new broadcloth clothes, and with a
+court suit and suitable night-wear to use in case they should be pressed
+to stop a week or two at the castle, got to Havana safely, and took
+passage on the British ship Trent; but Captain Wilkes, of the United
+States steamer San Jacinto, took them off the Trent, just as Mr. Mason
+had drawn and fortunately filled a hand with which he hoped to pay a
+part of the war-debt of the South and get a new overcoat in London.
+Later, however, the United States disavowed this act of Captain Wilkes,
+and said it was only a bit of pleasantry on his part.
+
+The first year of the war had taught both sides a few truths, and
+especially that the war did not in any essential features resemble a
+straw-ride to camp-meeting and return. The South had also discovered
+that the Yankee peddlers could not be captured with fly-paper, and that
+although war was not their regular job they were willing to learn how it
+was done.
+
+In 1862 the national army numbered five hundred thousand men, and the
+Confederate army three hundred and fifty thousand. Three objects were
+decided upon by the Federal government for the Union army and navy to
+accomplish,--viz., 1, the opening of the Mississippi; 2, the blockade of
+Southern ports; and 3, the capture of Richmond, the capital of the
+Southern Confederacy.
+
+The capture of Forts Henry and Donelson was undertaken by General Grant,
+aided by Commodore Foote, and on February 6 a bombardment was opened
+with great success, reducing Fort Henry in one hour. The garrison got
+away because the land-forces had no idea the fort would yield so soon,
+and therefore could not get up there in time to cut off the retreat.
+
+Fort Donelson was next attacked, the garrison having been reinforced by
+the men from Fort Henry. The fight lasted four days, and on February 16
+the fort, with fifteen thousand men, surrendered.
+
+Nashville was now easily occupied by Buell, and Columbus and Bowling
+Green were taken. The Confederates fell back to Corinth, where General
+Beauregard (Peter G. T.) and Albert Sidney Johnston massed their forces.
+
+General Grant now captured the Memphis and Charleston Railroad; but the
+Confederates decided to capture him before Buell, who had been ordered
+to reinforce him, should effect a junction with him. April 6 and 7,
+therefore, the battle of Shiloh occurred. Whether the Union troops were
+surprised or not at this battle, we cannot here pause to discuss.
+Suffice it to say that one of the Federal officers admitted to the
+author in 1879, while under the influence of koumys, that, though not
+strictly surprised, he believed he violated no confidence in saying that
+they were somewhat astonished.
+
+It was Sunday morning, and the Northern hordes were just considering
+whether they would take a bite of beans and go to church or remain in
+camp and get their laundry-work counted for Monday, when the Confederacy
+and some other men burst upon them with a fierce, rude yell. In a few
+moments the Federal troops had decided that there had sprung up a strong
+personal enmity on the part of the South, and that ill feeling had been
+engendered in some way.
+
+[Illustration: SOME OTHER MEN BURST UPON THEM WITH A FIERCE, RUDE YELL.]
+
+All that beautiful Sabbath-day they fought, the Federals yielding ground
+slowly and reluctantly till the bank of the river was reached and
+Grant's artillery commanded the position. Here a stand was made until
+Buell came up, and shortly afterwards the Confederates fell back; but
+they had captured the Yankee camp entire, and many a boy in blue lost
+the nice warm woollen pulse-warmers crocheted for him by his soul's
+idol. It is said that over thirty-five hundred needle-books and three
+thousand men were captured by the Confederates, also thirty flags and
+immense quantities of stores; but the Confederate commander, General A.
+S. Johnston, was killed. The following morning the tide had turned, and
+General P. G. T. Beauregard retreated unmolested to Corinth.
+
+General Halleck now took command, and, as the Confederates went away
+from there, he occupied Corinth, though still retaining his rooms at the
+Arlington Hotel in Washington.
+
+The Confederates who retreated from Columbus fell back to Island No. 10
+in the Mississippi River, where Commodore Foote bombarded them for three
+weeks, thus purifying the air and making the enemy feel much better than
+at any previous time during the campaign. General Pope crossed the
+Mississippi, capturing the batteries in the rear of the island, and
+turning them on the enemy, who surrendered April 7, the day of the
+battle of Shiloh.
+
+May 10, the Union gun-boats moved down the river. Fort Pillow was
+abandoned by the Southern forces, and the Confederate flotilla was
+destroyed in front of Memphis. Kentucky and Tennessee were at last the
+property of the fierce hordes from the great coarse North.
+
+General Bragg was now at Chattanooga, Price at Iuka, and Van Dorn at
+Holly Springs. All these generals had guns, and were at enmity with the
+United States of America. They very much desired to break the Union
+line of investment extending from Memphis almost to Chattanooga.
+
+Bragg started out for the Ohio River, intending to cross it and capture
+the Middle States; but Buell heard of it and got there twenty-four hours
+ahead, wherefore Bragg abandoned his plans, as it flashed over him like
+a clap of thunder from a clear sky that he had no place to put the
+Middle States if he had them. He therefore escaped in the darkness, his
+wagon-trains sort of drawling over forty miles of road and "hit
+a-rainin'."
+
+September 19, General Price, who, with Van Dorn, had considered it a
+good time to attack Grant, who had sent many troops north to prevent
+Bragg's capture of North America, decided to retreat, and, General
+Rosecrans failing to cut him off, escaped, and was thus enabled to fight
+on other occasions.
+
+The two Confederate generals now decided to attack the Union forces at
+Corinth, which they did. They fought beautifully, especially the Texan
+and Missouri troops, who did some heroic work, but they were defeated
+and driven forty miles with heavy loss.
+
+October 30, General Buell was succeeded by General Rosecrans.
+
+The battle of Murfreesboro occurred December 31 and January 2. It was
+one of the bloodiest battles of the whole conflict, and must have made
+the men who brought on the war by act of Congress feel first-rate. About
+one-fourth of those engaged were killed.
+
+An attack on Vicksburg, in which Grant and Sherman were to co-operate,
+the former moving along the Mississippi Central Railroad and Sherman
+descending the river from Memphis, was disastrous, and the capture of
+Arkansas Post, January 11, 1863, closed the campaign of 1862 on the
+Father of Waters.
+
+General Price was driven out of Missouri by General Curtis, and had to
+stay in Arkansas quite a while, though he preferred a dryer climate.
+
+General Van Dorn now took command of these forces, numbering twenty
+thousand men, and at Pea Ridge, March 7 and 8, 1863, he was defeated to
+a remarkable degree. During his retreat he could hardly restrain his
+impatience.
+
+Some four or five thousand Indians joined the Confederates in this
+battle, but were so astonished at the cannon, and so shocked by the
+large decayed balls, as they called the shells, which came hurtling
+through the air, now and then hurting an Indian severely, that they went
+home before the exercises were more than half through. They were down on
+the programme for some fantastic and interesting tortures of Union
+prisoners, but when they got home to the reservation and had picked the
+briers out of themselves they said that war was about as barbarous a
+thing as they were ever to, and they went to bed early, leaving a call
+for 9.30 A.M. on the following day.
+
+[Illustration: WENT HOME BEFORE THE EXERCISES WERE MORE THAN HALF
+THROUGH.]
+
+The red brother's style of warfare has an air about it that is unpopular
+now. A common stone stab-knife is a feeble thing to use against people
+who shoot a distance of eight miles with a gun that carries a
+forty-gallon caldron full of red-hot iron.
+
+
+[Footnote 5: While the Union forces did not succeed in beating Stonewall
+Jackson back, in returning to Washington they succeeded in beating
+everybody else back. (See Appendix.)]
+
+
+[Footnote 6: The odium to be cast on the person upon whom it should fall
+for the sickening defeat at Bull Run was found to be in such wretched
+condition at the time these lines were written that it was decided to go
+on without casting it. The writer points with pride to the fact that in
+writing this history fifteen cents' worth of odium will cover the entire
+amount used.]
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+SOME MORE FRATRICIDAL STRIFE.
+
+
+The effort to open the Mississippi from the north was seconded by an
+expedition from the south, in which Captain David G. Farragut,
+commanding a fleet of forty vessels, co-operated with General Benjamin
+F. Butler, with the capture of New Orleans as the object.
+
+Mortar-boats covered with green branches for the purpose of fooling the
+enemy, as no one could tell at any distance at all whether these were or
+were not olive-branches, steamed up the river and bombarded Forts
+Jackson and St. Philip till the stunned catfish rose to the surface of
+the water to inquire, "Why all this?" and turned their pallid stomachs
+toward the soft Southern zenith. Sixteen thousand eight hundred shells
+were thrown into the two forts, but that did not capture New Orleans.
+
+Farragut now decided to run his fleet past the defences, and, desperate
+as the chances were, he started on April 24. A big cable stretched
+across the river suggested the idea that there was a hostile feeling
+among the New Orleans people. Five rafts and armed steamers met him,
+and the iron-plated ram Manassas extended to him a cordial welcome to a
+wide wet grave with a southern exposure.
+
+Farragut cut through the cable about three o'clock in the morning,
+practically destroyed the Confederate fleet, and steamed up to the city,
+which was at his mercy.
+
+The forts, now threatened in the rear by Butler's army, surrendered, and
+Farragut went up to Baton Rouge and took possession of it. General
+Butler's occupation at New Orleans has been variously commented upon by
+both friend and foe, but we are only able to learn from this and the
+entire record of the war, in fact, that it is better to avoid
+hostilities unless one is ready to accept the unpleasant features of
+combat. The author, when a boy, learned this after he had acquired the
+unpleasant features resulting from combat which the artist has cleverly
+shown on opposite page.
+
+General Butler said he found it almost impossible to avoid giving
+offence to the foe, and finally he gave it up in despair.
+
+The French are said to be the politest people on the face of the earth,
+but no German will admit it; and though the Germans are known to have
+big, warm, hospitable hearts, since the Franco-Prussian war you couldn't
+get a Frenchman to admit this.
+
+In February Burnside captured Roanoke Island, and the coast of North
+Carolina fell into the hands of the Union army. Port Royal became the
+base of operations against Florida, and at the close of the year 1862
+every city on the Atlantic coast except Charleston, Wilmington, and
+Savannah was held by the Union army.
+
+[Illustration: UNPLEASANT FEATURES RESULTING FROM COMBAT.]
+
+The Merrimac iron-clad, which had made much trouble for the Union
+shipping for some time, steamed into Hampton Roads on the 8th of March.
+Hampton Roads is not the Champs-Elysees of the South, but a long wet
+stretch of track east of Virginia,--the Midway Plaisance of the Salted
+Sea. The Merrimac steered for the Cumberland, rammed her, and the
+Cumberland sunk like a stove-lid, with all on board. The captain of the
+Congress, warned by the fate of the Cumberland, ran his vessel on shore
+and tried to conceal her behind the tall grass, but the Merrimac
+followed and shelled her till she surrendered.
+
+The Merrimac then went back to Norfolk, where she boarded,
+night having come on apace. In the morning she aimed to clear
+out the balance of the Union fleet. That night, however, the
+Monitor, a flat little craft with a revolving tower, invented by Captain
+Ericsson, arrived, and in the morning when the Merrimac started in on
+her day's work of devastation, beginning with the Minnesota, the
+insignificant-looking Monitor slid up to the iron monster and gave her
+two one-hundred-and-sixty-six-and-three-quarter-pound solid shot.
+
+The Merrimac replied with a style of broadside that generally sunk her
+adversary, but the balls rolled off the low flat deck and fell with a
+solemn plunk in the moaning sea, or broke in fragments and lay on the
+forward deck like the shells of antique eggs on the floor of the House
+of Parliament after a Home Rule argument.
+
+Five times the Merrimac tried to ram the little spitz-pup of the navy,
+but her huge iron beak rode up over the slippery deck of the enemy, and
+when the big vessel looked over her sides to see its wreck, she
+discovered that the Monitor was right side up and ready for more.
+
+The Confederate vessel gave it up at last, and went back to Norfolk
+defeated, her career suddenly closed by the timely genius of the able
+Scandinavian.
+
+The Peninsular campaign was principally addressed toward the capture of
+Richmond. One hundred thousand men were massed at Fort Monroe April 4,
+and marched slowly toward Yorktown, where five thousand Confederates
+under General Magruder stopped the great army under McClellan.
+
+After a month's siege, and just as McClellan was about to shoot at the
+town, the garrison took its valise and went away.
+
+On the 5th of May occurred the battle of Williamsburg, between the
+forces under "Fighting Joe" Hooker and General Johnston. It lasted nine
+hours, and ended in the routing of the Confederates and their pursuit by
+Hooker to within seven miles of Richmond. This caused the adjournment of
+the Confederate Congress.
+
+But Johnston prevented the junction of McDowell and McClellan after the
+capture of Hanover Court-House, and Stonewall Jackson, reinforced by
+Ewell, scared the Union forces almost to death. They crossed the
+Potomac, having marched thirty-five miles per day. Washington was
+getting too hot now to hold people who could get away.
+
+It was hard to say which capital had been scared the worst.
+
+The Governors of the Northern States were asked to send militia to
+defend the capital, and the front door of the White House was locked
+every night after ten o'clock.
+
+But finally the Union generals, instead of calling for more troops, got
+after General Jackson, and he fled from the Shenandoah Valley, burning
+the bridges behind him. It is said that as he and his staff were about
+to cross their last bridge they saw a mounted gun on the opposite side,
+manned by a Union artilleryman. Jackson rode up and in clarion tones
+called out, "Who told you to put that gun there, sir? Bring it over
+here, sir, and mount it, and report at head-quarters this evening, sir!"
+The artilleryman unlimbered the gun, and while he was placing it General
+Jackson and staff crossed over and joined the army.
+
+One cannot be too careful, during a war, in the matter of obedience to
+orders. We should always know as nearly as possible whether our orders
+come from the proper authority or not.
+
+No one can help admiring this dashing officer's tour in the Shenandoah
+Valley, where he kept three major-generals and sixty thousand troops
+awake nights with fifteen thousand men, saved Richmond, scared
+Washington into fits, and prevented the union of McClellan's and
+McDowell's forces. Had there been more such men, and a little more
+confidence in the great volume of typographical errors called
+Confederate money, the lovely character who pens these lines might have
+had a different tale to tell.
+
+May 31 and June 1 occurred the battle of Fair Oaks, where McClellan's
+men floundering in the mud of the Chickahominy swamps were pounced upon
+by General Johnston, who was wounded the first day. On the following
+day, as a result of this accident, Johnston's men were repulsed in
+disorder.
+
+General Robert E. Lee, who was now in command of the Confederate forces,
+desired to make his army even more offensive than it had been, and on
+June 12 General Stuart led off with his cavalry, made the entire circuit
+of the Union army, saw how it looked from behind, and returned to
+Richmond, much improved in health, having had several meals of victuals
+while absent.
+
+Hooker now marched to where he could see the dome of the court-house at
+Richmond, but just then McClellan heard that Jackson had been seen in
+the neighborhood of Hanover Court-House, and so decided to change his
+base. General McClellan was a man of great refinement, and would never
+use the same base over a week at a time.
+
+He had hardly got the base changed when Lee fell upon his flank at
+Mechanicsville, June 26, and the Seven Days' battle followed. The Union
+troops fought and fell back, fought and fell back, until Malvern Hill
+was reached, where, worn with marching, choked with dust, and broken
+down by the heat, to which they were unaccustomed, they made their last
+stand, July 1. Here Lee got such a reception that he did not insist on
+going any farther.
+
+But the Union army was cooped up on the James River. The siege of
+Richmond had been abandoned, and the North felt blue and discouraged.
+Three hundred thousand more men were called for, and it seemed that, as
+in the South, "the cradle and the grave were to be robbed" for more
+troops.
+
+Lee now decided to take Washington and butcher Congress to make a Roman
+holiday. General Pope met the Confederates August 26, and while Lee and
+Jackson were separated could have whipped the latter had the Army of the
+Potomac reinforced him as it should, but, full of malaria and foot-sore
+with marching, it did not reach him in time, and Pope had to fight the
+entire Confederate army on that historic ground covered with so many
+unpleasant memories and other things, called Bull Run.
+
+For the second time the worn and wilted Union army was glad to get back
+to Washington, where the President was, and where beer was only five
+cents per glass.
+
+Oh, how sad everything seemed at that time to the North, and how high
+cotton cloth was! The bride who hastily married her dear one and bade
+him good-by as the bugle called him to the war, pointed with pride to
+her cotton clothes as a mark of wealth; and the middle classes were only
+too glad to have a little cotton mixed with their woollen clothes.
+
+[Illustration: WHERE BEER WAS ONLY FIVE CENTS PER GLASS.]
+
+Lee invaded Maryland, and McClellan, restored to command of the Army of
+the Potomac, followed him, and found a copy of his order of march, which
+revealed the fact that only a portion of the army was before him. So,
+overtaking the Confederates at South Mountain, he was ready for a
+victory, but waited one day; and in the mountains Lee got his troops
+united again, while Jackson also returned. The Union troops had over
+eighty thousand in their ranks, and nothing could have been more
+thoughtful or genteel than to wait for the Confederates to get as many
+together as possible, otherwise the battle might have been brief and
+unsatisfactory to the tax-payer or newspaper subscriber, who of course
+wants his money's worth when he pays for a battle.
+
+[Illustration: WANTS HIS MONEY'S WORTH WHEN HE PAYS FOR A BATTLE.]
+
+The battle of Antietam was a very fierce one, and undecisive, yet it
+saved Washington from an invasion by the Confederates, who would have
+done a good deal of trading there, no doubt, entirely on credit, thus
+injuring business very much and loading down Washington merchants with
+book accounts, which, added to what they had charged already to members
+of Congress, would have made times in Washington extremely dull.
+
+General McClellan, having impressed the country with the idea that he
+was a good bridge-builder, but a little too dilatory in the matter of
+carnage, was succeeded by General Burnside.
+
+[Illustration: STILL DROPPING IN OCCASIONALLY FROM THE BACK DISTRICTS.]
+
+
+President Lincoln had written the Proclamation of Emancipation to the
+slaves in July, but waited for a victory before publishing it. Bull Run
+as a victory was not up to his standard; so when Lee was driven from
+Maryland the document was issued by which all slaves in the United
+States became free; and, although thirty-one years have passed at this
+writing, they are still dropping in occasionally from the back districts
+to inquire about the truth of the report.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+STILL MORE FRATERNAL BLOODSHED, ON PRINCIPLE.--OUTING FEATURES
+DISAPPEAR, AND GIVE PLACE TO STRAINED RELATIONS BETWEEN COMBATANTS, WHO
+BEGIN TO MIX THINGS.
+
+
+On December 13 the year's business closed with the battle of
+Fredericksburg, under the management of General Burnside. Twelve
+thousand Union troops were killed before night mercifully shut down upon
+the slaughter.
+
+The Confederates were protected by stone walls and situated upon a
+commanding height, from which they were able to shoot down the Yankees
+with perfect sang-froid and deliberation.
+
+In the midst of all these discouragements, the red brother fetched loose
+in Minnesota, Iowa, and Dakota, and massacred seven hundred men, women,
+and children. The outbreak was under the management of Little Crow, and
+was confined to the Sioux Nation. Thirty-nine of these Indians were
+hanged on the same scaffold at Mankato, Minnesota, as a result of this
+wholesale murder.
+
+This execution constitutes one of the green spots in the author's
+memory. In all lives now and then an oasis is liable to fall. This was
+oasis enough to last the writer for years.
+
+In 1863 the Federal army numbered about seven hundred thousand men, and
+the Confederates about three hundred and fifty thousand. Still it took
+two more years to close the war.
+
+It is held now by good judges that the war was prolonged by the jealousy
+existing between Union commanders who wanted to be President or
+something else, and that it took so much time for the generals to keep
+their eyes on caucuses and county papers at home that they fought best
+when surprised and attacked by the foe.
+
+General Grant moved again on Vicksburg, and on May 1, defeated Pemberton
+at Fort Gibson. He also prevented a junction between Joseph E. Johnston
+and Pemberton, and drove the latter into Vicksburg, securing the stopper
+so tightly that after forty-seven days the garrison surrendered, July 4.
+This fight cost the Confederates thirty-seven thousand prisoners, ten
+thousand killed and wounded, and immense quantities of stores. It was a
+warm time in Vicksburg; a curious man who stuck his hat out for twenty
+seconds above the ramparts found fifteen bullet-holes in it when he took
+it down, and when he wore it to church he attracted more attention than
+the collection.
+
+The North now began to sit up and take notice. Morning papers began to
+sell once more, and Grant was the name on every tongue.
+
+The Mississippi was open to the Gulf, and the Confederacy was
+practically surrounded.
+
+[Illustration: ATTRACTED MORE ATTENTION THAN THE COLLECTION.]
+
+Rosecrans would have moved on the enemy, but learned that the foe had
+several head of cavalry more than he did, also a team of artillery. At
+this time John Morgan made a raid into Ohio. He surrounded Cincinnati,
+but did not take it, as he was not keeping house at the time and hated
+to pay storage on it. He got to Parkersburg, West Virginia, and was
+captured there with almost his entire force.
+
+On September 19 and 20 occurred the battle of Chickamauga. Longstreet
+rushed into a breach in the Union line and swept it with a great big
+besom of wrath with which he had wisely provided himself on starting
+out. Rosecrans felt mortified when he came to himself and found that his
+horse had been so unmanageable that he had carried him ten miles from
+the carnage.
+
+But the left, under Thomas, held fast its position, and no doubt saved
+the little band of sixty thousand men which Rosecrans commanded at the
+time.
+
+His army now found itself shut up in intrenchments, with Bragg on the
+hills threatening the Union forces with starvation.
+
+On November 24-25 a battle near Chattanooga took place, with Grant at
+the head of the Federal forces. Hooker came to join him from the Army of
+the Potomac, and Sherman hurried to his standard from Iuka. Thomas made
+a dash and captured Orchard Knob, and Hooker, on the following day,
+charged Lookout Mountain.
+
+This was the most brilliant, perhaps, of Grant's victories. It is known
+as the "battle of Missionary Ridge." Hooker had exceeded his prerogative
+and kept on after capturing the crest of Lookout Mountain, while Sherman
+was giving the foe several varieties of fits, from the north, when Grant
+discovered that before him the line was being weakened in order to help
+the Confederate flanks. So with Thomas he crossed through the first line
+and over the rifle-pits, forgot that he had intended to halt and reform,
+and concluded to wait and reform after the war was over, when he should
+have more time, and that night along the entire line of heights the
+camp-fires of the Union army winked at one another in ghoulish glee.
+
+The army under Bragg was routed, and Bragg resigned his command.
+
+Burnside, who had been relieved of the command of the Army of the
+Potomac, was sent to East Tennessee, where the brave but frost-bitten
+troops of Longstreet shut him up at Knoxville and compelled him to board
+at the railroad eating-house there.
+
+Sherman's worn and weary boys were now ordered at once to the relief of
+Burnside, and Longstreet, getting word of it, made a furious assault on
+the former, who repulsed him with loss, and he went away from there as
+Sherman approached from the west.
+
+[Illustration: "WHERE AM I?"]
+
+Hooker had succeeded Burnside in the command of the Army of the Potomac,
+and he judged that, as Lee was now left with but sixty thousand men,
+while the Army of the Potomac contained one hundred thousand who craved
+out-of-door exercise, he might do well to go and get Lee, returning in
+the cool of the evening. Lee, however, accomplished the division of his
+army while concealed in the woods and sent Jackson to fall on Hooker's
+rear. The close of the fight found Hooker on his old camping-ground
+opposite Fredericksburg, murmuring to himself, in a dazed sort of way,
+"Where am I?" Lee felt so good over this that he decided to go North and
+get something to eat. He also decided to get catalogues and price-lists
+of Philadelphia and New York while there. Threatening Baltimore in order
+to mislead General Meade, who was now in command of the Federals, Lee
+struck into Pennsylvania and met with the Union cavalry a little west of
+Gettysburg on the Chambersburg road. It is said that Gettysburg was not
+intended by either army as the site for the battle, Lee hoping to avoid
+a fight, depending as he did on the well-known hospitality of the
+Pennsylvanians, and Meade intending to have the fight at Pipe Creek,
+where he had some property.
+
+July 1-2-3 were the dates of this memorable battle. The first day was
+rather favorable to Lee, quite a number of Yankee prisoners being taken
+while they were lost in the crowded streets of Gettysburg.
+
+The second day was opened by Longstreet, who charged the Union left, and
+ran across Sickles, who had by mistake formed in the way of Meade's
+intended line of battle. They outflanked him, but, as they swung around
+him, Warren met them with a diabolical welcome, which stayed them.
+Sickles found himself on Cemetery Ridge, while the Confederates under
+Ewell were on Culp's Hill.
+
+On the third day, at one P.M., Lee opened with one hundred and fifty
+guns on Cemetery Ridge. The air was a hornet's nest of screaming shells
+with fiery tails. As it lulled a little, out of the woods came eighteen
+thousand men in battle-array extending over a mile in length. The
+Yankees knew a good thing when they saw it, and they paused to admire
+this beautiful gathering of foemen in whose veins there flowed the same
+blood as in their own, and whose ancestors had stood shoulder to
+shoulder with their own in a hundred battles for freedom.
+
+Their sentiment gave place to shouts of battle, and into the silent
+phalanx a hundred guns poured their red-hot messages of death. The
+golden grain was drenched with the blood of men no less brave because
+they were not victorious, and the rich fields of Pennsylvania drank with
+thirsty eagerness the warm blood of many a Southern son.
+
+Yet they moved onward. Volley after volley of musketry mowed them down,
+and the puny reaper in the neglected grain gave place to the grim reaper
+Death, all down that unwavering line of gray and brown.
+
+They marched up to the Union breastworks, bayoneted the gunners at their
+work, planted their flags on the parapets, and, while the Federals
+converged from every point to this, exploding powder burned the faces of
+these contending hosts, who, hand to hand, fought each other to death,
+while far-away widows and orphans multiplied to mourn through the coming
+years over this ghastly folly of civil war.
+
+Whole companies of the Confederates rushed as prisoners into the arms of
+their enemies, and the shattered remnant of the battered foe retreated
+from the field.
+
+While all this was going on in Pennsylvania, Pemberton was arranging
+terms of surrender at Vicksburg, and from this date onward the
+Confederacy began to wobble in its orbit, and the President of this
+ill-advised but bitterly punished scheme began to wish that he had been
+in Canada when the war broke out.
+
+In April of the same year Admiral Dupont, an able seaman with massive
+whiskers, decided to run the fortifications at Charleston with
+iron-clads, but the Charleston people thought they could run them
+themselves. So they drove him back after the sinking of the Kennebec and
+the serious injury of all the other vessels.
+
+General Gillmore then landed with troops. Fort Wagner was captured. The
+54th Regiment of colored troops, the finest organized in the Free
+States, took a prominent part and fought with great coolness and
+bravery. By December there were fifty thousand colored troops enlisted,
+and before the war closed over two hundred thousand.
+
+It is needless to say that this made the Yankee unpopular at the time in
+the best society of the South.
+
+General Gillmore attempted to capture Sumter, and did reduce it to a
+pulp, but when he went to gather it he was met by a garrison still
+concealed in the basement, and peppered with volleys of hot
+shingle-nails and other bric-a-brac, which forced him to retire with
+loss.
+
+He said afterward that Fort Sumter was not desirable anyhow.
+
+[Illustration: PRICE OF LIVING RUNNING UP TO EIGHT HUNDRED AND NINE
+HUNDRED DOLLARS PER DAY.]
+
+This closed the most memorable year of the war, with the price of living
+at the South running up to eight hundred and nine hundred dollars per
+day, and currency depreciating so rapidly that one's salary had to be
+advanced every morning in order to keep pace with the price of
+mule-steaks.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+LAST YEAR OF THE DISAGREEABLE WAR.
+
+
+General Grant was now in command of all the Union troops, and in 1864-5
+the plan of operation was to prevent the junction of the
+Confederates,--General Grant seeking to interest the army in Virginia
+under General Lee, and General Sherman the army of General Joseph E.
+Johnston in Georgia.
+
+Sherman started at once, and came upon Johnston located on almost
+impregnable hills all the way to Atlanta. The battles of Dalton, Resaca,
+Dallas, Lost Mountain, and Kenesaw Mountain preceded Johnston's retreat
+to the intrenchments of Atlanta, July 10, Sherman having been on the
+move since early in May, 1864.
+
+Jefferson Davis, disgusted with Johnston, placed Hood in command, who
+made three heroic attacks upon the Union troops, but was repulsed.
+Sherman now gathered fifteen days' rations from the neighbors, and,
+throwing his forces across Hood's line of supplies, compelled him to
+evacuate the city.
+
+The historian says that Sherman was entirely supplied from Nashville
+_via_ railroad during this trip, but the author knows of his own
+personal knowledge that there were times when he got his fresh
+provisions along the road.
+
+[Illustration: GETTING FRESH PROVISIONS ALONG THE ROAD.]
+
+This expedition cost the Union army thirty thousand men and the
+Confederates thirty-five thousand. Besides, Georgia was the Confederacy,
+so far as arms, grain, etc., were concerned. Sherman attributed much of
+his success to the fact that he could repair and operate the railroad so
+rapidly. Among his men were Yankee machinists and engineers, who were as
+necessary as courageous fighters.
+
+"We are held here during many priceless hours," said the general,
+"because the enemy has spoiled this passenger engine. Who knows any
+thing about repairing an engine?"
+
+"I do," said a dusty tramp in blue. "I can repair this one in an hour."
+
+"What makes you think so?"
+
+"Well, I made it."
+
+This was one of the strong features of Sherman's army. Among the hundred
+thousand who composed it there were so many active brains and skilled
+hands that the toot of the engine caught the heels of the last echoing
+shout of the battle.
+
+Learning that Hood proposed to invade Tennessee, Sherman prepared to
+march across Georgia to the sea, and if necessary to tramp through the
+Atlantic States.
+
+Hood was sorry afterwards that he invaded Tennessee. He shut Thomas up
+in Nashville after a battle with Schofield, and kept the former in-doors
+for two weeks, when all of a sudden Thomas exclaimed, "Air! air! give me
+air!" and came out, throwing Hood into headlong flight, when the Union
+cavalry fell on his rear, followed by the infantry, and the forty
+thousand Confederates became a scattered and discouraged mob spread out
+over several counties.
+
+The burning of Atlanta preceded Sherman's march, and, though one of the
+saddest features of the war, was believed to be a military necessity.
+Those who declare war hoping to have a summer's outing thereby may live
+to regret it for many bitter years.
+
+On November 16, Sherman started, his army moving in four columns,
+constituting altogether a column of fire by night, and a pillar of cloud
+and dust by day. Kilpatrick's cavalry scoured the country like a mass
+meeting of ubiquitous little black Tennessee hornets.
+
+In five weeks Sherman had marched three hundred miles, had destroyed two
+railroads, had stormed Fort McAllister, and had captured Savannah.
+
+On the 5th and 6th of May, 1864, occurred the battle of the Wilderness,
+near the old battleground of Chancellorsville. No one could describe it,
+for it was fought in the dense woods, and the two days of useless
+butchery with not the slightest signs of civilized warfare sickened both
+armies, and, with no victory for either, they retired to their
+intrenchments.
+
+Grant, instead of retreating, however, quietly passed the flank of the
+Confederates and started for Spottsylvania Court-House, where a battle
+occurred May 8-12.
+
+Here the two armies fought five days without any advantage to either. It
+was at this time that Grant sent his celebrated despatch stating that
+he "proposed to fight it out on this line if it took all summer."
+
+Finally he sought to turn Lee's right flank. June 8, the battle of Cold
+Harbor followed this movement. The Union forces were shot down in the
+mire and brush by Lee's troops, now snugly in out of the wet, behind the
+Cold Harbor defences. One historian says that in twenty minutes ten
+thousand Yankee troops were killed; though Badeau, whose accuracy in
+counting dead has always been perfectly marvellous, admits only seven
+thousand in all.
+
+Grant now turned his attention towards Petersburg, but Lee was there
+before him and intrenched, so the Union army had to intrench. This only
+postponed the evil day, however.
+
+Things now shaped themselves into a siege of Richmond, with Petersburg
+as the first outpost of the besieged capital.
+
+On the 30th of July, eight thousand pounds of powder were carefully
+inserted under a Confederate fort and the entire thing hoisted in the
+air, leaving a huge hole, in which, a few hours afterwards, many a boy
+in blue met his death, for in the assault which followed the explosion
+the Union soldiers were mowed down by the concentrated fire of the
+Confederates. The Federals threw away four thousand lives here.
+
+On the 18th of August the Weldon Railroad was captured, which was a
+great advantage to Grant, and, though several efforts were made to
+recapture it, they were unsuccessful.
+
+[Illustration: PAUSING TO GET LAUNDRY-WORK DONE.]
+
+General Early was delegated to threaten Washington and scare the able
+officers of the army who were stopping there at that time talking
+politics and abusing Grant. He defeated General Wallace at Monocacy
+River, and appeared before Fort Stevens, one of the defences of
+Washington, July 11. Had he whooped right along instead of pausing a day
+somewhere to get laundry-work done before entering Washington, he would
+easily have captured the city.
+
+Reinforcements, however, got there ahead of him, and he had to go back.
+He sent a force of cavalry into Pennsylvania, where they captured
+Chambersburg and burned it on failure of the town trustees to pay five
+hundred thousand dollars ransom.
+
+General Sheridan was placed in charge of the troops here, and defeated
+Early at Winchester, riding twenty miles in twenty minutes, as per poem.
+At Fisher's Hill he was also victorious. He devastated the Valley of the
+Shenandoah to such a degree that a crow passing the entire length of the
+valley had to carry his dinner with him.
+
+It was, however, at the battle of Cedar Creek that Sheridan was twenty
+miles away, according to historical prose. Why he was twenty miles away,
+various and conflicting reasons are given, but on his good horse Rienzi
+he arrived in time to turn defeat and rout into victory and hilarity.
+
+Rienzi, after the war, died in eleven States. He was a black horse, with
+a saddle-gall and a flashing eye.
+
+He passed away at his home in Chicago at last in poverty while waiting
+for a pension applied for on the grounds of founder and lampers brought
+on by eating too heartily after the battle and while warm, but in the
+line of duty.
+
+The Red River campaign under General Banks was a joint naval and land
+expedition, resulting in the capture of Fort de Russy, March 14, after
+which, April 8, the troops marching towards Shreveport in very open
+order, single file or holding one another's hands and singing "John
+Brown's Body," were attacked by General Dick Taylor, and if Washington
+had not been so far away and through a hostile country, Bull Run would
+have had another rival. But the boys rallied, and next day repulsed the
+Confederates, after which they returned to New Orleans, where board was
+more reasonable. General Banks obtained quite a relief at this time: he
+was relieved of his command.
+
+August 5, Commodore Farragut captured Mobile, after a neat and
+attractive naval fight, and on the 24th and 25th of December Commodore
+Porter and General Butler started out to take Fort Fisher. After two
+days' bombardment, Butler decided that there were other forts to be had
+on better terms, and returned. Afterwards General Terry commanded the
+second expedition, Porter having remained on hand with his vessels to
+assist. January 15, 1865, the most heroic fighting on both sides
+resulted, and at last, completely hemmed in, the brave and battered
+garrison surrendered; but no one who was there need blush to say so,
+even to-day.
+
+At the South at this time coffee was fifty dollars a pound and gloves
+were one hundred and fifty dollars a pair. Flour was forty dollars a
+barrel; but you could get a barrel of currency for less than that.
+
+Money was plenty, but what was needed seemed to be confidence. Running
+the blockade was not profitable at that time, since over fifteen hundred
+head of Confederate vessels were captured during the war.
+
+The capture of Fort Fisher closed the last port of the South, and left
+the Confederacy no show with foreign Powers or markets.
+
+The Alabama was an armed steam-ship, and the most unpleasant feature of
+the war to the Federal government, especially as she had more sympathy
+and aid in England than was asked for or expected by the Unionists.
+However, England has since repaid all this loss in various ways. She has
+put from five to eight million dollars into cattle on the plains of the
+Northwest, where the skeletons of same may be found bleaching in the
+summer sun; and I am personally acquainted with six Americans now
+visiting England who can borrow enough in a year to make up all the
+losses sustained through the Alabama and other neutral vessels.
+
+[Illustration: PERSONALLY ACQUAINTED WITH SIX AMERICANS.]
+
+Captain Semmes commanded the Alabama, and off Cherbourg he sent a
+challenge to the Kearsarge, commanded by Captain Winslow, who accepted
+it, and so worked his vessel that the Alabama had to move round him in a
+circle, while he filled her up with iron, lead, copper, tin, German
+silver, glass, nails, putty, paint, varnishes, and dye-stuff. At the
+seventh rotation the Alabama ran up the white flag and sunk with a low
+mellow plunk. The crew was rescued by Captain Winslow and the English
+yacht Deerhound, the latter taking Semmes and starting for England.
+
+This matter, however, was settled in after-years.
+
+The care of the sick, the dying, and the dead in the Union armies was
+almost entirely under the eye of the merciful and charitable, loyal and
+loving members of the Sanitary and Christian Commissions, whose work
+and its memory kept green in the hearts of the survivors and their
+children will be monument enough for the coming centuries.
+
+In July, 1864, the debt of the country was two billion dollars and
+twenty cents. Two dollars and ninety cents in greenbacks would buy a
+reluctant gold dollar.
+
+Still, Abraham Lincoln was re-elected against George B. McClellan, the
+Democratic candidate, who carried only three States. This was
+endorsement enough for the policy of President Lincoln.
+
+Sherman's army of sixty thousand, after a month's rest at Savannah,
+started north to unite with Grant in the final blow. "Before it was
+terror, behind it ashes."
+
+Columbia was captured February 17, and burned, without Sherman's
+authority, the night following. Charleston was evacuated the next day.
+Johnston was recalled to take command, and opposed the march of Sherman,
+but was driven back after fierce engagements at Bentonville and
+Averysboro. On March 25 Lee decided to attack Grant, and, while the
+latter was busy, get out of Richmond and join Johnston, but when this
+battle, known as the attack on Fort Steadman, was over, Grant's hold was
+tighter than ever.
+
+Sheridan attacked Lee's rear with a heavy force, and at Five Forks,
+April 1, the surprised garrison was defeated with five thousand
+captured. The next day the entire Union army advanced, and the line of
+Confederate intrenchments was broken. On the following day Petersburg
+and Richmond were evacuated, but Mr. Davis was not there. He had gone
+away. Rather than meet General Grant and entertain him when there was no
+pie in the house, he and the Treasury had escaped from the haunts of
+man, wishing to commune with nature for a while. He was captured at
+Irwinsville, Georgia, under peculiar and rather amusing circumstances.
+
+He was never punished, with the exception perhaps that he published a
+book and did not realize anything from it.
+
+Lee fled to the westward, but was pursued by the triumphant Federals,
+especially by Sheridan, whose cavalry hung on his flanks day and night.
+Food failed the fleeing foe, and the young shoots of trees for food and
+the larger shoots of the artillery between meals were too much for that
+proud army, once so strong and confident.
+
+Let us not dwell on the particulars.
+
+As Sheridan planted his cavalry squarely across Lee's path of retreat,
+the worn but heroic tatters of a proud army prepared to sell themselves
+for a bloody ransom and go down fighting, but Grant had demanded their
+surrender, and, seeing back of the galling, skirmishing cavalry solid
+walls of confident infantry, the terms of surrender were accepted by
+General Lee, and April 9 the Confederate army stacked its arms near
+Appomattox Court-House.
+
+The Confederate war debt was never paid, for some reason or other, but
+the Federal debt when it was feeling the best amounted to two billion
+eight hundred and forty-four million dollars. One million men lost their
+lives.
+
+Was it worth while?
+
+In the midst of the general rejoicing, President Lincoln was
+assassinated by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theatre, April 14. The
+assassin was captured in a dying condition in a burning barn, through a
+crack in the boarding of which he had been shot by a soldier named
+Boston Corbett. He died with no sympathetic applause to soothe the dull,
+cold ear of death.
+
+West Virginia was admitted to the Union in 1863, and Nevada in 1864.
+
+The following chapters will be devoted to more peaceful details, while
+we cheerfully close the sorrowful pages in which we have confessed that,
+with all our greatness as a nation, we could not stay the tide of war.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX.
+
+TOO MUCH LIBERTY IN PLACES AND NOT ENOUGH ELSEWHERE.--THOUGHTS ON THE
+LATE WAR--WHO IS THE BIGGER ASS, THE MAN WHO WILL NOT FORGIVE AND
+FORGET, OR THE MAWKISH AND MOIST-EYED SNIVELLER WHO WANTS TO DO THAT ALL
+THE TIME?
+
+
+When Patrick Henry put his old cast-iron spectacles on the top of his
+head and whooped for liberty, he did not know that some day we should
+have more of it than we knew what to do with. He little dreamed that the
+time would come when we should have more liberty than we could pay for.
+When Mr. Henry sawed the air and shouted for liberty or death, I do not
+believe that he knew the time would come when Liberty would stand on
+Bedloe's Island and yearn for rest and change of scene.
+
+It seems to me that we have too much liberty in this country in some
+ways. We have more liberty than we have money. We guarantee that every
+man in America shall fill himself up full of liberty at our expense, and
+the less of an American he is the more liberty he can have. Should he
+desire to enjoy himself, all he needs is a slight foreign accent and a
+willingness to mix up with politics as soon as he can get his baggage
+off the steamer. The more I study American institutions the more I
+regret that I was not born a foreigner, so that I could have something
+to say about the management of our great land. If I could not be a
+foreigner, I believe I should prefer to be a policeman or an Indian not
+taxed.
+
+[Illustration: PATRICK HENRY'S GREAT SPEECH.]
+
+I am often led to ask, in the language of the poet, "Is civilization a
+failure, and is the Caucasian played out?"
+
+[Illustration: THE MORE I REGRET THAT I WAS NOT BORN A FOREIGNER.]
+
+Almost every one can have a good deal of fun in America except the
+American. He seems to be so busy paying his taxes that he has very
+little time to vote, or to mingle in society's giddy whirl, or to mix up
+with the nobility. That is the reason why the alien who rides across the
+United States in the "Limited Mail" and writes a book about us before
+breakfast wonders why we are always in a hurry. That also is the reason
+why we have to throw our meals into ourselves with such despatch, and
+hardly have time to maintain a warm personal friendship with our
+families.
+
+We do not care much for wealth, but we must have freedom, and freedom
+costs money. We have advertised to furnish a bunch of freedom to every
+man, woman, and child who comes to our shores, and we are going to
+deliver the goods whether we have any left for ourselves or not.
+
+What would the great world beyond the seas say to us if some day the
+blue-eyed Oriental, with his heart full of love for our female
+seminaries and our old women's homes, should land upon our coasts and
+crave freedom in car-load lots but find that we were using all the
+liberty ourselves? But what do we want of liberty, anyhow? What could we
+do with it if we had it? It takes a man of leisure to enjoy liberty, and
+we have no leisure whatever. It is a good thing to keep in the house for
+the use of guests, but we don't need it for ourselves.
+
+Therefore we have a statue of Liberty Enlightening the World, because it
+shows that we keep Liberty on tap winter and summer. We want the whole
+broad world to remember that when it gets tired of oppression it can
+come here to America and oppress us. We are used to it, and we rather
+like it. If we don't like it, we can get on the steamer and go abroad,
+where we may visit the effete monarchies and have a high old time.
+
+[Illustration: MAY BE LED TO TRY IT ON HIMSELF.]
+
+The sight of the Goddess of Liberty standing there in New York harbor
+night and day, bathing her feet in the rippling sea, is a good thing. It
+is first-rate. It may also be productive of good in a direction that
+many have not thought of. As she stands there day after day, bathing her
+feet in the broad Atlantic, perhaps some moss-grown alien landing on our
+shore and moving toward the Far West may fix the bright picture in his
+so-called mind, and, remembering how, on his arrival in New York, he saw
+Liberty bathing her feet with impunity, he may be led in after-years to
+try it on himself.
+
+More citizens and less voters will some day be adopted as the motto of
+the Republic.
+
+One reference to the late war, and I will close. I want to refer
+especially to the chronic reconciler who when war was declared was not
+involved in it, but who now improves every opportunity, especially near
+election-time, to get out a tired olive-branch and make a tableau of
+himself. He is worse than the man who cannot forgive or forget.
+
+The growth of reconciliation between the North and the South is the slow
+growth of years, and the work of generations. When any man, North or
+South, in a public place takes occasion to talk in a mellow and mawkish
+way of the great love he now has for his old enemy, watch him. He is
+getting ready to ask a favor. There is a beautiful, poetic idea in the
+reunion of two contending and shattered elements of a great nation.
+There is something beautifully pathetic in the picture of the North and
+the South clasped in each other's arms and shedding a torrent of hot
+tears down each other's backs as it is done in a play, but do you
+believe that the aged mothers on either side have learned to love the
+foe with much violence yet? Do you believe that the crippled veteran,
+North or South, now passionately loves the adversary who robbed him of
+his glorious youth, made him a feeble ruin, and mowed down his comrades
+with swift death? Do you believe that either warrior is so fickle that
+he has entirely deserted the cause for which he fought? Even the victor
+cannot ask that.
+
+"Let the gentle finger of time undo, so far as may be, the devastation
+wrought by the war, and let succeeding generations seek through natural
+methods to reunite the business and the traffic that were interrupted by
+the war. Let the South guarantee to the Northern investor security to
+himself and his investment, and he will not ask for the love which we
+read of in speeches but do not expect and do not find in the South.
+
+"Two warring parents on the verge of divorce have been saved the
+disgrace of separation and agreed to maintain their household for the
+sake of their children. Their love has been questioned by the world, and
+their relations strained. Is it not bad taste for them to pose in public
+and make a cheap Romeo and Juliet tableau of themselves?
+
+"Let time and merciful silence obliterate the scars of war, and
+succeeding generations, fostered by the smiles of national prosperity,
+soften the bitterness of the past and mellow the memory of a mighty
+struggle in which each contending host called upon Almighty God to
+sustain the cause which it honestly believed to be just."
+
+Let us be contented during this generation with the assurance that
+geographically the Union has been preserved, and that each contending
+warrior has once more taken up the peaceful struggle for bettering and
+beautifying the home so bravely fought for.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX.
+
+RECONSTRUCTION WITHOUT PAIN--ADMINISTRATIONS OF JOHNSON AND GRANT.
+
+
+It was feared that the return of a million Federal soldiers to their
+homes after the four years of war would make serious trouble in the
+North, but they were very shortly adjusted to their new lives and
+attending to the duties which peace imposed upon them.
+
+The war of the Rebellion was disastrous to nearly every branch of trade,
+but those who remained at home to write the war-songs of the North did
+well. Some of these efforts were worthy, and, buoyed up by a general
+feeling of robust patriotism, they floated on to success; but few have
+stood the test of years and monotonous peace. The author of "Mother, I
+am hollow to the ground" is just depositing his profits from its sale in
+the picture given on next page. The second one, wearing the
+cape-overcoat tragedy air, wrote "Who will be my laundress now?"
+
+Andrew Johnson succeeded to Mr. Lincoln's seat, having acted before as
+his vice.
+
+A great review of the army, lasting twelve hours, was arranged to take
+place in Washington, consisting of the armies of Grant and Sherman. It
+was reviewed by the President and Cabinet; it extended over thirty miles
+twenty men deep, and constituted about one-fifth of the Northern army at
+the time peace was declared.
+
+[Illustration: THE STAY-AT-HOMES WHO WROTE WAR-SONGS.]
+
+President Johnson recognized the State governments existing in Virginia,
+Tennessee, Arkansas, and Louisiana, but instituted provisional
+governments for the other States of the defeated Confederacy, as it
+seemed impossible otherwise to bring order out of the chaos which war
+and financial distress had brought about. He authorized the assembly
+also of loyal conventions to elect State and other officers, and
+pardoned by proclamation everybody, with the exception of a certain
+class of the late insurgents whom he pardoned personally.
+
+On Christmas Day, 1868, a Universal Amnesty was declared. The Thirteenth
+Amendment, abolishing slavery, became a part of the Constitution,
+December 18, 1865, and the former masters found themselves still morally
+responsible for these colored people, without the right to control them
+or even the money with which to employ them.
+
+The annual interest on the national debt at this time amounted to one
+hundred and fifty million dollars. Yet the Treasury paid this, together
+with the expenses of government, and reduced the debt seventy-one
+million dollars before the volunteer army had been fully discharged in
+1866.
+
+Comment on such recuperative power as that is unnecessary; for the
+generation that fights a four-years war costing over two billions of
+dollars generally leaves the debt for another generation or another
+century to pay.
+
+Congress met finally, ignored the President's rollicking welcome to the
+seceded States, and over his veto proceeded to pass various laws
+regarding their admission, such as the Civil Rights and Freedman's
+Bureau Bills.
+
+Tennessee returned promptly to the Union under the Constitutional
+Amendments, but the others did not till the nightmare of Reconstruction
+had been added to the horrors of war. In 1868, after much time worse
+than wasted in carpet-bag government and a mob reign in the South which
+imperilled her welfare for many years after it was over, by frightening
+investors and settlers long after peace had been restored,
+representatives began to come into Congress under the laws.
+
+During this same year the hostilities between Congress and the President
+culminated in an effort to impeach the latter. He escaped by one vote.
+
+It is very likely that the assassination of Lincoln was the most
+unfortunate thing that happened to the Southern States. While he was not
+a warrior, he was a statesman, and no gentler hand or more willing brain
+could have entered with enthusiasm into the adjustment of chaotic
+conditions, than his.
+
+The Fourteenth Amendment, a bright little _bon mot_, became a law June
+28, 1868, and was written in the minutes of Congress, so that people
+could go there and refresh their memories regarding it. It guaranteed
+civil rights to all, regardless of race, color, odor, wildness or
+wooliness whatsoever, and allows all noses to be counted in
+Congressional representations, no matter what angle they may be at or
+what the color may be.
+
+Some American citizens murmur at taxation without representation, but
+the negro murmurs at representation without remuneration.
+
+The Fenian excitement of 1866 died out without much loss of life.
+
+In October, 1867, Alaska was purchased from Russia for seven million two
+hundred thousand dollars. The ice-crop since then would more than pay
+for the place, and it has also a water-power and cranberry marsh on it.
+
+The rule of the Imperialists in France prompted the appointment of
+Maximilian, Archduke of Austria, as Emperor of Mexico, supported by the
+French army. The Americans, still sore and in debt at the heels of their
+own war, pitied the helpless Mexicans, and, acting on the principles
+enunciated in the Monroe Doctrine, demanded the recall of Maximilian,
+who, deserted finally by his foreign abettors, was defeated and as a
+prisoner shot by the Mexicans, June 19, 1867.
+
+The Atlantic cable was laid from Valentia Bay in Ireland to Heart's
+Content, Newfoundland, one thousand eight hundred and sixty-four miles,
+and the line from New York to the latter place built in 1856, a distance
+of one thousand miles, making in all, as keen mathematicians will see,
+two thousand eight hundred and sixty-four miles.
+
+A very agreeable commercial treaty with China was arranged in 1868.
+
+Grant and Colfax, Republicans, succeeded Andrew Johnson in the next
+election, Horatio Seymour, of New York, and Frank P. Blair, of
+Missouri, being the Democratic nominees. Virginia and Mississippi had
+not been fully reconstructed, and so were not yet permitted to vote.
+They have squared the matter up since, however, by voting with great
+enthusiasm.
+
+In 1869 the Pacific Railroad was completed, whereby the trip from the
+Atlantic to the Pacific--three thousand and three hundred miles--might
+be made in a week. It also attracted the Asiatic trade, and tea, silk,
+spices, and leprosy found a new market in the land of the free and the
+home of the brave.
+
+Still flushed with its success in humorous legislation, Congress, on the
+30th of March, 1870, passed the Fifteenth Amendment, giving to the
+colored men the right to vote. It then became a part of the
+Constitution, and people who have seen it there speak very highly of it.
+
+Prosperity now attracted no attention whatever. Gold, worth nearly three
+dollars at the close of the war, fell to a dollar and ten cents, and the
+debt during the first two years of this administration was reduced two
+hundred million dollars.
+
+Genuine peace reigned in the entire Republic, and o'er the scarred and
+shell-torn fields of the South there waved, in place of hostile banners,
+once more the cotton and the corn. The red foliage of the gum-tree with
+the white in the snowy white cotton-fields and the blue-grass of
+Kentucky (blue-grass is not, strictly speaking, blue enough to figure in
+the national colors, but the author has taken out a poetic license which
+does not expire for over a year yet, and he therefore under its
+permission is allowed a certain amount of idiocy) showed that the fields
+had never forgotten their loyalty to the national colors. Peace under
+greatly changed conditions resumed her vocations, and, in the language
+of the poet,--
+
+  "There were domes of white blossoms where swelled the white tent;
+  There were ploughs in the track where the war-wagons went;
+  There were songs where they lifted up Rachel's lament."
+
+October 8, 1871, occurred the great fire in Chicago, raging for
+forty-eight hours and devastating three thousand acres of the city.
+Twenty-five thousand buildings were burned, and two hundred million
+dollars' worth of property. One hundred thousand people lost their
+houses, and over seven and one-half millions of dollars were raised for
+those who needed it, all parts of the world uniting to improve the
+joyful opportunity to do good, without a doubt of its hearty
+appreciation.
+
+Boston also had a seventy-million dollar fire in the heart of the
+wholesale trade, covering sixty acres; and in the prairie and woods
+fires of Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Michigan, many people lost not only
+their homes but their lives. Fifteen hundred people perished in
+Wisconsin alone.
+
+In 1871 the damage done by the Alabama, a British-built ship, and
+several other cruisers sent out partly to facilitate the cotton trade
+and partly to do a little fighting when a Federal vessel came that way,
+was assessed at fifteen million five hundred thousand dollars against
+Great Britain by the arbitrators who met at Geneva, Switzerland, and the
+northwestern boundary line between the United States and British America
+was settled by arbitration, the Emperor of Germany acting as arbitrator
+and deciding in favor of America.
+
+This showed that people who have just wound up a big war have often
+learned some valuable sense; not two billion dollars' worth, perhaps,
+but some.
+
+San Domingo was reported for sale, and a committee looked at it, priced
+it, etc., but Congress decided not to buy it.
+
+The Liberal Republican party, or that element of the original party
+which was opposed to the administration, nominated Horace Greeley, of
+New York, while the old party renominated General Grant for the term to
+succeed himself. The latter was elected, and Mr. Greeley did not long
+survive his defeat.
+
+The Modoc Indians broke loose in the early part of Grant's second term,
+and, leaping from their lava-beds early in the morning, Shacknasty Jim
+and other unlaundried children of the forest raised merry future
+punishment, and the government, always kind, always loving and sweet
+toward the red brother, sent a peace commission with popcorn balls
+and a gentle-voiced parson to tell Shacknasty James and Old
+Stand-up-and-Sit-down that the white father at Washington loved them and
+wanted them all to come and spend the summer at his house, and also that
+by sin death came into the world, and that we were all primordial germs
+at first, and that we should look up, not down, look out, not in, look
+forward, not backward, and lend a hand.
+
+[Illustration: PEACE COMMISSION POW-WOWING WITH THE MODOCS.]
+
+It was at this moment that Early-to-Bed-and Early-to-Rise-Black Hawk and
+Shacknasty James, thinking that this thing had gone far enough, killed
+General Canby and wounded both Mr. Meacham and Rev. Dr. Thomas, who had
+never had an unkind thought toward the Modocs in their lives.
+
+The troops then allowed their ill temper to get the best of them, and
+asked the Modocs if they meant anything personal by their action, and,
+learning that they did, the soldiers did what with the proper authority
+they would have done at first, bombarded the children of the forest and
+mussed up their lava-beds so that they were glad to surrender.
+
+In 1873 a panic occurred after the failure of Jay Cooke & Co., of
+Philadelphia, and a money stringency followed, the Democrats attributing
+it a good deal to the party in power, just as cheap Republicans twenty
+years later charged the Democratic administration with this same thing.
+Inconsistency of this kind keeps good men, like the writer, out of
+politics, and turns their attention toward the contemplation of a better
+land.
+
+[Illustration: TALKING ABOUT THE CENTENNIAL.]
+
+In 1875 Centennial Anniversaries began to ripen and continued to fall
+off the different branches of government, according to the history of
+events so graphically set forth in the preceding pages. They were duly
+celebrated by a happy and self-made people. The Centennial Exposition at
+Philadelphia in 1876 was a marked success in every way, nearly ten
+millions of people having visited it, who claimed that it was well worth
+the price of admission.
+
+Aside from the fact that these ten millions of people had talked about
+it to millions of folks at home,--or thought they had,--the Exposition
+was a boon to every one, and thousands of Americans went home with a
+knowledge of their country that they had never had before, and pointers
+on blowing out gas which saved many lives in after-years.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: MOVE ON, MAROON BROTHER, MOVE ON!]
+
+CHAPTER XXXI.
+
+CLOSING CHRONICLES.
+
+
+In 1876 the peaceful Sioux took an outing, having refused to go to their
+reservation in accordance with the treaty made with the Great Father at
+Washington, D. C., and regular troops were sent against them.
+
+General Custer, with the 7th Regiment, led the advance, and General
+Terry aimed for the rear of the children of the forest up the Big Horn.
+Here, on the 25th of June, without assistance, and with characteristic
+courage, General Custer attacked the enemy, sending Colonel Reno to fall
+on the rear of the village.
+
+Scarcely enough of Custer's own command with him at the time lived long
+enough to tell the story of the battle. General Custer, his two
+brothers, and his nephew were among the dead. Reno held his ground until
+reinforced, but Custer's troops were exterminated.
+
+It is said that the Sioux rose from the ground like bunch-grass and
+swarmed up the little hill like a pest of grasshoppers, mowing down the
+soldiers with the very newest and best weapons of warfare, and leaving
+nothing at last but the robbed and mutilated bodies lying naked in the
+desolate land of the Dakotah.
+
+The Fenimore Cooper Indian is no doubt a brave and highly intellectual
+person, educated abroad, refined and cultivated by foreign travel,
+graceful in the grub dance or scalp walk-around, yet tender-hearted as a
+girl, walking by night fifty-seven miles in a single evening to warn his
+white friends of danger. The Indian introduced into literature was a
+bronze Apollo who bathed almost constantly and only killed white people
+who were unpleasant and coarse. He dressed in new and fresh buckskins,
+with trimming of same, and his sable hair hung glossy and beautiful down
+the coppery billows of muscles on his back.
+
+The real Indian has the dead and unkempt hair of a busted buggy-cushion
+filled with hen feathers. He lies, he steals, he assassinates, he
+mutilates, he tortures. He needs Persian powder long before he needs the
+theology which abler men cannot agree upon. We can, in fact, only retain
+him as we do the buffalo, so long as he complies with the statutes. But
+the red brother is on his way to join the cave-bear, the three-toed
+horse, and the ichthyosaurus in the great fossil realm of the historic
+past. Move on, maroon brother, move on!
+
+[Illustration: ON HIS WAY TO JOIN THE CAVE-BEAR, THE THREE-TOED HORSE,
+AND THE ICHTHYOSAURUS.]
+
+Rutherford B. Hayes and William A. Wheeler were nominated in the summer
+of 1876, and so close was the fight against Samuel J. Tilden and Thomas
+A. Hendricks that friends of the latter to this day refer to the
+selection of Hayes and Wheeler by a joint Electoral Commission to whom
+the contested election was referred, as a fraud and larceny on the part
+of the Republican party. It is not the part of an historian, who is
+absolutely destitute of political principles, to pass judgment. Facts
+have crept into this history, it is true, but no one could regret it
+more than the author; yet there has been no bias or political prejudice
+shown, other than that reflected from the historical sources whence
+information was necessarily obtained.
+
+Hayes was chosen, and gave the country an unruffled, unbiased
+administration, devoid of frills, and absolutely free from the
+appearance of hostility to any one. He was one of the most conciliatory
+Presidents ever elected by Republican votes or counted in by a joint
+Electoral Commission.
+
+He withdrew all troops from the South, and in several Southern States
+things wore a Democratic air at once.
+
+In 1873 Congress demonetized silver, and quite a number of business-men
+were demonetized at the same time; so in 1878 silver was made a legal
+tender for all debts. As a result, in 1879 gold for the first time in
+seventeen years sold at par.
+
+Troubles arose in 1878 over the right to fish in the northeast waters,
+and the treaty at Washington resulted in an award to Great Britain of
+five million five hundred thousand dollars, with the understanding that
+wasteful fishing should cease, and that as soon as either party got
+enough for a mess he should go home, no matter how well the fish seemed
+to be biting.
+
+The right to regulate Chinese immigration was given by treaty at Pekin,
+and ever since the Chinaman has entered our enclosures in some
+mysterious way, made enough in a few years to live like a potentate in
+China, and returned, leaving behind a pleasant memory and a chiffonnier
+here and there throughout the country filled with scorched shirt-bosoms,
+acid-eaten collars, and white vests with burglar-proof, ingrowing
+pockets in them.
+
+The next nominations for President and Vice-President were James A.
+Garfield, of Ohio, and Chester A. Arthur, of New York, on the Republican
+ticket, and Winfield S. Hancock, of Pennsylvania, and William H.
+English, of Indiana, on the Democratic ticket. James B. Weaver was
+connected with this campaign also. Who will tell us what he had to do
+with it? Can no one tell us what James B. Weaver had to do with the
+campaign of 1881? Very well; I will tell you what he had to do with the
+campaign of 1881.
+
+He was the Presidential candidate on the Greenback ticket, but it was
+kept so quiet that I am not surprised to know that you did not hear
+about it.
+
+After the inauguration of Garfield the investigation and annulling of
+star-route contracts fraudulently obtained were carried out, whereby two
+million dollars' worth of these corrupt agreements were rendered null
+and void.
+
+On the morning of July 2, President Garfield was shot by a poor,
+miserable, unbalanced, and abnormal growth whose name will not be
+discovered even in the appendix of this work. He was tried, convicted,
+and sent squealing into eternity.
+
+The President lingered patiently for two months and a half, when he
+died.
+
+[Illustration: A PERSON JUMPING FROM IT IS NOT ALWAYS KILLED.]
+
+After the accession of President Arthur, there occurred floods on the
+lower Mississippi, whereby one hundred thousand people lost their homes.
+The administration was not in any way to blame for this.
+
+In 1883 the Brooklyn Bridge across East River was completed and ready
+for jumping purposes. It was regarded as a great engineering success at
+the time, but it is now admitted that it is not high enough. A person
+jumping from it is not always killed.
+
+The same year the Civil Service Bill became a law. It provides that
+competitive examinations shall be made of certain applicants for office,
+whereby mail-carriers must prove that they know how to teach school, and
+guards in United States penitentiaries are required to describe how to
+navigate a ship.
+
+Possibly recent improvements have been made by which the curriculum is
+more fitted to the crime, but in the early operations of the law the
+janitor of a jail had to know what length shadow would be cast by a pole
+18 feet 6-1/4 inches high on the third day of July at 11 o'clock 30 min.
+and 20 sec. standing on a knoll 35 feet 8-1/8 inches high, provided 8
+men in 9 days can erect such a pole working 8 hours per day.
+
+In 1883 letter postage was reduced from three cents to two cents per
+half-ounce, and in 1885 to two cents per ounce.
+
+In 1884 Alaska was organized as a Territory, and after digging the snow
+out of Sitka, so that the governor should not take cold in his system,
+it was made the seat of government.
+
+Chinese immigration in 1882 was forbidden for ten years, and in 1884 a
+treaty with Mexico was made, a copy of which is on file in the State
+Department, but not allowed to be loaned to the author for use in this
+work.
+
+Grover Cleveland and Thomas A. Hendricks were nominated and elected at
+the end of President Arthur's term, running against James G. Blaine and
+John A. Logan, the Republican candidates, also Benjamin F. Butler and A.
+M. West, of Mississippi, on the People's ticket, and John P. St. John
+and William Daniel on the Prohibition ticket. St. John went home and
+kept bees, so that he could have honey to eat on his Kansas locusts, and
+Daniel swore he would never enter the performing cage of immoral
+political wild beasts again while reason remained on her throne.
+
+In 1886 a Presidential succession law was passed, whereby on the death
+of the President and the Vice-President the order of succession shall be
+the Secretary of State, the Secretary of the Treasury, the Secretary of
+War, the Attorney-General, the Postmaster-General, and the Secretaries
+of the Navy and of the Interior. This gives the Secretary of Agriculture
+an extremely remote and rarefied chance at the Presidency. Still, he
+should be just as faithful to his trust as he would be if he were nearer
+the throne.
+
+May 4, 1886, occurred a terrible outbreak of Chicago Anarchists,
+whereby seven policemen sent to preserve order were killed by the
+bursting of an Anarchist's bomb. The Anarchists were tried and executed,
+with the exception of Ling, who ate a dynamite capsule and passed into
+rest having had his features, and especially his nose, blown in a swift
+and earnest manner. Death resulted, and whiskers and beer-blossoms are
+still found embedded in the stone walls of his cell. Those who attended
+the funeral say that Ling from a scenic point of view was not a success.
+
+Governor Altgeld, of Illinois, an amateur American, in the summer of
+1893 pardoned two of the Anarchists who had escaped death by
+imprisonment.
+
+August 31, 1886, in Charleston, occurred several terrible earthquake
+shocks, which seriously damaged the city and shocked and impaired the
+nerves and health of hundreds of people.
+
+The noted heroism and pluck of the people of Charleston were never shown
+to greater advantage than on this occasion.
+
+Mr. Cleveland was again nominated, but was defeated by General Benjamin
+Harrison. Hon. James G. Blaine, of Maine, was made Secretary of State,
+and Wm. Windom, a veteran financier, Secretary of the Treasury.
+Secretary Windom's tragic death just as he had finished a most brilliant
+address to the great capitalists of New York after their annual dinner
+and discussion at Delmonico's is, and will ever remain, while life
+lasts, a most dramatic picture in the author's memory.
+
+Personally, the administration of President Harrison will be long
+remembered for the number of deaths among the families of the Executive
+and those of his Cabinet and friends.
+
+Nebraska, the thirty-seventh State, was admitted March 1, 1867. The name
+signifies "Water Valley." Colorado, the Centennial State, was the
+thirty-eighth. She was admitted July 1, 1876. Six other States have been
+since admitted when the political sign was right. Still, they have not
+always stuck by the party admitting them to the Union. This is the kind
+of ingratitude which sometimes leads to the reformation of politicians
+supposed to have been dead in sin.
+
+President Harrison's administration was a thoroughly upright and honest
+one, so far as it was possible for it to be after his party had drifted
+into the musty catacombs of security in office and the ship of state had
+become covered with large and expensive barnacles.
+
+As we go to press, his successor, Grover Cleveland, in the first year of
+his second administration, is paying a high price for fleeting fame,
+with the serious question of what to do with the relative coinage of
+gold and silver, and the Democrats in Congress, for the first time in
+the history of the world, are referring each other with hot breath and
+flashing eye to the platform they adopted at the National Convention.
+
+Heretofore among the politicians a platform, like that on the railway
+cars, "is made for the purpose of helping the party to get aboard, but
+not to ride on."
+
+The Columbian Exposition and World's Fair at Chicago in the summer of
+1893 eclipsed all former Exhibitions, costing more and showing greater
+artistic taste, especially in its buildings, than anything preceding it.
+Some gentle warfare resulted from a struggle over the question of
+opening the "White City" on Sunday, and a great deal of bitterness was
+shown by those who opposed the opening and who had for years favored the
+Sunday closing of Niagara. A doubtful victory was obtained by the Sunday
+openers, for so many of the exhibitors closed their departments that
+visitors did not attend on Sunday in paying quantities.
+
+Against a thousand odds and over a thousand obstacles, especially the
+apprehension of Asiatic cholera and the actual sudden appearance of a
+gigantic money panic, Chicago, heroic and victorious, carried out her
+mighty plans and gave to the world an exhibition that won golden
+opinions from her friends and stilled in dumb wonder the jealousy of her
+enemies.
+
+In the mean time, the author begs leave to thank his readers for the
+rapt attention shown in perusing these earnest pages, and to apologize
+for the tears of sympathy thoughtlessly wrung from eyes unused to weep,
+by the graphic word-painting and fine education shown by the author.
+
+It was not the intention of the writer to touch the fountain of tears
+and create wash-outs everywhere, but sometimes tears do one good.
+
+In closing, would it be out of place to say that the stringency of the
+money market is most noticeable and most painful, and for that reason
+would it be too much trouble for the owner of this book to refuse to
+loan it, thereby encouraging its sale and contributing to the comfort of
+a deserving young man?
+
+THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPENDIX.
+
+
+The idea of an appendix to this work was suggested by a relative, who
+promised to prepare it, but who has been detained now for over a year in
+one of the public buildings of Colorado on the trumped-up charge of
+horse-stealing. The very fact that he was not at once hanged shows that
+the charge was not fully sustained, and that the horse was very likely
+of little value.
+                                                        THE AUTHOR.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Comic History of the United States, by Bill Nye
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMIC HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES ***
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