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diff --git a/old/chldh10.txt b/old/chldh10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0d842a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/chldh10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4543 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Childhood, by Leo Tolstoy/Tolstoi +#7 by Leo Tolstoy/Tolstoi + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Scanning and first proofing by Martin Adamson +martin@grassmarket.freeserve.co.uk + + + + + +Childhood + +By Leo Tolstoy + +Translated by CJ Hogarth + + + + +I + +THE TUTOR, KARL IVANITCH + +On the 12th of August, 18-- (just three days after my tenth +birthday, when I had been given such wonderful presents), I was +awakened at seven o'clock in the morning by Karl Ivanitch +slapping the wall close to my head with a fly-flap made of sugar +paper and a stick. He did this so roughly that he hit the image +of my patron saint suspended to the oaken back of my bed, and the +dead fly fell down on my curls. I peeped out from under the +coverlet, steadied the still shaking image with my hand, flicked +the dead fly on to the floor, and gazed at Karl Ivanitch with +sleepy, wrathful eyes. He, in a parti-coloured wadded dressing- +gown fastened about the waist with a wide belt of the same +material, a red knitted cap adorned with a tassel, and soft +slippers of goat skin, went on walking round the walls and taking +aim at, and slapping, flies. + +"Suppose," I thought to myself," that I am only a small boy, +yet why should he disturb me? Why does he not go killing flies +around Woloda's bed? No; Woloda is older than I, and I am the +youngest of the family, so he torments me. That is what he thinks +of all day long--how to tease me. He knows very well that he has +woken me up and frightened me, but he pretends not to notice it. +Disgusting brute! And his dressing-gown and cap and tassel too-- +they are all of them disgusting." + +While I was thus inwardly venting my wrath upon Karl Ivanitch, he +had passed to his own bedstead, looked at his watch (which hung +suspended in a little shoe sewn with bugles), and deposited the +fly-flap on a nail, then, evidently in the most cheerful mood +possible, he turned round to us. + +"Get up, children! It is quite time, and your mother is already +in the drawing-room," he exclaimed in his strong German accent. +Then he crossed over to me, sat down at my feet, and took his +snuff-box out of his pocket. I pretended to be asleep. Karl +Ivanitch sneezed, wiped his nose, flicked his fingers, and began +amusing himself by teasing me and tickling my toes as he said +with a smile, "Well, well, little lazy one!" + +For all my dread of being tickled, I determined not to get out of +bed or to answer him,. but hid my head deeper in the pillow, +kicked out with all my strength, and strained every nerve to keep +from laughing. + +"How kind he is, and how fond of us!" I thought to myself, +Yet to think that I could be hating him so just now!" + +I felt angry, both with myself and with Karl Ivanitch, I wanted +to laugh and to cry at the same time, for my nerves were all on +edge. + +"Leave me alone, Karl!" I exclaimed at length, with tears in my +eyes, as I raised my head from beneath the bed-clothes. + +Karl Ivanitch was taken aback, He left off tickling my feet, and +asked me kindly what the matter was, Had I had a disagreeable +dream? His good German face and the sympathy with which he sought +to know the cause of my tears made them flow the faster. I felt +conscience-stricken, and could not understand how, only a minute +ago, I had been hating Karl, and thinking his dressing-gown and +cap and tassel disgusting. On the contrary, they looked eminently +lovable now. Even the tassel seemed another token of his +goodness. I replied that I was crying because I had had a bad +dream, and had seen Mamma dead and being buried. Of course it was +a mere invention, since I did not remember having dreamt anything +at all that night, but the truth was that Karl's sympathy as he +tried to comfort and reassure me had gradually made me believe +that I HAD dreamt such a horrible dream, and so weep the more-- +though from a different cause to the one he imagined + +When Karl Ivanitch had left me, I sat up in bed and proceeded to +draw my stockings over my little feet. The tears had quite dried +now, yet the mournful thought of the invented dream was still +haunting me a little. Presently Uncle [This term is often applied +by children to old servants in Russia] Nicola came in--a neat +little man who was always grave, methodical, and respectful, as +well as a great friend of Karl's, He brought with him our +clothes and boots--at least, boots for Woloda, and for myself the +old detestable, be-ribanded shoes. In his presence I felt ashamed +to cry, and, moreover, the morning sun was shining so gaily +through the window, and Woloda, standing at the washstand as he +mimicked Maria Ivanovna (my sister's governess), was laughing so +loud and so long, that even the serious Nicola--a towel over his +shoulder, the soap in one hand, and the basin in the other--could +not help smiling as he said, "Will you please let me wash you, +Vladimir Petrovitch?" I had cheered up completely. + +"Are you nearly ready?" came Karl's voice from the schoolroom. +The tone of that voice sounded stern now, and had nothing in it of +the kindness which had just touched me so much. In fact, in the +schoolroom Karl was altogether a different man from what he was +at other times. There he was the tutor. I washed and dressed +myself hurriedly, and, a brush still in my hand as I smoothed my +wet hair, answered to his call. Karl, with spectacles on nose +and a book in his hand, was sitting, as usual, between the door +and one of the windows. To the left of the door were two shelves-- +one of them the children's (that is to say, ours), and the other +one Karl's own. Upon ours were heaped all sorts of books--lesson +books and play books--some standing up and some lying down. The +only two standing decorously against the wall were two large +volumes of a Histoire des Voyages, in red binding. On that shelf +could be seen books thick and thin and books large and small, as +well as covers without books and books without covers, since +everything got crammed up together anyhow when play time arrived +and we were told to put the "library" (as Karl called these +shelves) in order The collection of books on his own shelf was, +if not so numerous as ours, at least more varied. Three of them +in particular I remember, namely, a German pamphlet (minus a +cover) on Manuring Cabbages in Kitchen-Gardens, a History of the +Seven Years' War (bound in parchment and burnt at one corner), +and a Course of Hydrostatics. Though Karl passed so much of his +time in reading that he had injured his sight by doing so, he +never read anything beyond these books and The Northern Bee. + +Another article on Karl's shelf I remember well. This was a +round piece of cardboard fastened by a screw to a wooden stand, +with a sort of comic picture of a lady and a hairdresser glued to +the cardboard. Karl was very clever at fixing pieces of cardboard +together, and had devised this contrivance for shielding his weak +eyes from any very strong light. + +I can see him before me now--the tall figure in its wadded +dressing-gown and red cap (a few grey hairs visible beneath the +latter) sitting beside the table; the screen with the +hairdresser shading his face; one hand holding a book, and the +other one resting on the arm of the chair. Before him lie his +watch, with a huntsman painted on the dial, a check cotton +handkerchief, a round black snuff-box, and a green spectacle- +case, The neatness and orderliness of all these articles show +clearly that Karl Ivanitch has a clear conscience and a quiet +mind. + +Sometimes, when tired of running about the salon downstairs, I +would steal on tiptoe to the schoolroom and find Karl sitting +alone in his armchair as, with a grave and quiet expression on +his face, he perused one of his favourite books. Yet sometimes, +also, there were moments when he was not reading, and when the +spectacles had slipped down his large aquiline nose, and the +blue, half-closed eyes and faintly smiling lips seemed to be +gazing before them with a curious expression, All would be quiet +in the room--not a sound being audible save his regular breathing +and the ticking of the watch with the hunter painted on the dial. +He would not see me, and I would stand at the door and think:
+"Poor, poor old man! There are many of us, and we can play +together and be happy, but he sits there all alone, and has +nobody to be fond of him. Surely he speaks truth when he says +that he is an orphan. And the story of his life, too--how terrible +it is! I remember him telling it to Nicola, How dreadful to be in +his position!" Then I would feel so sorry for him that I would +go to him, and take his hand, and say, "Dear Karl Ivanitch!" and +he would be visibly delighted whenever I spoke to him like this, +and would look much brighter. + +On the second wall of the schoolroom hung some maps--mostly torn, +but glued together again by Karl's hand. On the third wall (in +the middle of which stood the door) hung, on one side of the +door, a couple of rulers (one of them ours--much bescratched, and +the other one his--quite a new one), with, on the further side of +the door, a blackboard on which our more serious faults were +marked by circles and our lesser faults by crosses. To the left +of the blackboard was the corner in which we had to kneel when +naughty. How well I remember that corner--the shutter on the +stove, the ventilator above it, and the noise which it made when +turned! Sometimes I would be made to stay in that corner till my +back and knees were aching all over, and I would think to myself. +"Has Karl Ivanitch forgotten me? He goes on sitting quietly in +his arm-chair and reading his Hydrostatics, while I--!" Then, to +remind him of my presence, I would begin gently turning the +ventilator round. Or scratching some plaster off the wall; but if +by chance an extra large piece fell upon the floor, the fright of +it was worse than any punishment. I would glance round at Karl, +but he would still be sitting there quietly, book in hand, and +pretending that he had noticed nothing. + +In the middle of the room stood a table, covered with a torn +black oilcloth so much cut about with penknives that the edge of +the table showed through. Round the table stood unpainted chairs +which, through use, had attained a high degree of polish. The +fourth and last wall contained three windows, from the first of +which the view was as follows, Immediately beneath it there ran a +high road on which every irregularity, every pebble, every rut +was known and dear to me. Beside the road stretched a row of +lime-trees, through which glimpses could be caught of a wattled +fence, with a meadow with farm buildings on one side of it and a +wood on the other--the whole bounded by the keeper's hut at the +further end of the meadow, The next window to the right +overlooked the part of the terrace where the "grownups" of the +family used to sit before luncheon. Sometimes, when Karl was +correcting our exercises, I would look out of that window and see +Mamma's dark hair and the backs of some persons with her, and +hear the murmur of their talking and laughter. Then I would feel +vexed that I could not be there too, and think to myself, "When +am I going to be grown up, and to have no more lessons, but sit +with the people whom I love instead of with these horrid +dialogues in my hand?" Then my anger would change to sadness, +and I would fall into such a reverie that I never heard Karl when +he scolded me for my mistakes. + +At last, on the morning of which I am speaking, Karl Ivanitch +took off his dressing-gown, put on his blue frockcoat with its +creased and crumpled shoulders, adjusted his tie before the +looking-glass, and took us down to greet Mamma. + +II + +MAMMA + +Mamma was sitting in the drawing-room and making tea. In one hand +she was holding the tea-pot, while with the other one she was +drawing water from the urn and letting it drip into the tray. +Yet though she appeared to be noticing what she doing, in +reality she noted neither this fact nor our entry. + +However vivid be one's recollection of the past, any attempt to +recall the features of a beloved being shows them to one's vision +as through a mist of tears--dim and blurred. Those tears are the +tears of the imagination. When I try to recall Mamma as she was +then, I see, true, her brown eyes, expressive always of love and +kindness, the small mole on her neck below where the small hairs +grow, her white embroidered collar, and the delicate, fresh hand +which so often caressed me, and which I so often kissed; but her +general appearance escapes me altogether. + +To the left of the sofa stood an English piano, at which my dark- +haired sister Lubotshka was sitting and playing with manifest +effort (for her hands were rosy from a recent washing in cold +water) Clementi's "Etudes." Then eleven years old, she was +dressed in a short cotton frock and white lace-frilled trousers, +and could take her octaves only in arpeggio. Beside her was +sitting Maria Ivanovna, in a cap adorned with pink ribbons and a +blue shawl, Her face was red and cross, and it assumed an +expression even more severe when Karl Ivanitch entered the room. +Looking angrily at him without answering his bow, she went on +beating time with her foot and counting, " One, two, three--one, +two, three," more loudly and commandingly than ever. + +Karl Ivanitch paid no attention to this rudeness, but went, as +usual, with German politeness to kiss Mamma's hand, She drew +herself up, shook her head as though by the movement to chase +away sad thoughts from her, and gave Karl her hand, kissing him +on his wrinkled temple as he bent his head in salutation. + +"I thank you, dear Karl Ivanitch," she said in German, and then, +still using the same language asked him how we (the children) had +slept. Karl Ivanitch was deaf in one ear, and the added noise of +the piano now prevented him from hearing anything at all. He +moved nearer to the sofa, and, leaning one hand upon the table +and lifting his cap above his head, said with, a smile which in +those days always seemed to me the perfection of politeness: +"You, will excuse me, will you not, Natalia Nicolaevna?" + +The reason for this was that, to avoid catching cold, Karl never +took off his red cap, but invariably asked permission, on +entering the drawing-room, to retain it on his head. + +"Yes, pray replace it, Karl Ivanitch," said Mamma, bending +towards him and raising her voice, "But I asked you whether the +children had slept well? " + +Still he did not hear, but, covering his bald head again with the +red cap, went on smiling more than ever, + +"Stop a moment, Mimi." said Mamma (now smiling also) to Maria +Ivanovna. "It is impossible to hear anything." + +How beautiful Mamma's face was when she smiled! It made her so +infinitely more charming, and everything around her seemed to +grow brighter! If in the more painful moments of my life I could +have seen that smile before my eyes, I should never have known +what grief is. In my opinion, it is in the smile of a face that +the essence of what we call beauty lies. If the smile heightens +the charm of the face, then the face is a beautiful one. If the +smile does not alter the face, then the face is an ordinary one. +But if the smile spoils the face, then the face is an ugly one +indeed. + +Mamma took my head between her hands, bent it gently backwards, +looked at me gravely, and said: "You have been crying this +morning?" + +I did not answer. She kissed my eyes, and said again in German:
+"Why did you cry?" + +When talking to us with particular intimacy she always used this +language, which she knew to perfection. + +"I cried about a dream, Mamma" I replied, remembering the +invented vision, and trembling involuntarily at the recollection. + +Karl Ivanitch confirmed my words, but said nothing as to the +subject of the dream. Then, after a little conversation on the +weather, in which Mimi also took part, Mamma laid some lumps of +sugar on the tray for one or two of the more privileged servants, +and crossed over to her embroidery frame, which stood near one of +the windows. + +"Go to Papa now, children," she said, "and ask him to come to +me before he goes to the home farm." + +Then the music, the counting, and the wrathful looks from Mimi +began again, and we went off to see Papa. Passing through the +room which had been known ever since Grandpapa's time as "the +pantry," we entered the study, + +III + +PAPA + +He was standing near his writing-table, and pointing angrily to +some envelopes, papers, and little piles of coin upon it as he +addressed some observations to the bailiff, Jakoff Michaelovitch, +who was standing in his usual place (that is to say, between the +door and the barometer) and rapidly closing and unclosing the +fingers of the hand which he held behind his back, The more angry +Papa grew, the more rapidly did those fingers twirl, and when +Papa ceased speaking they came to rest also. Yet, as soon as ever +Jakoff himself began to talk, they flew here, there, and +everywhere with lightning rapidity. These movements always +appeared to me an index of Jakoff's secret thoughts, though his +face was invariably placid, and expressive alike of dignity and +submissiveness, as who should say, "I am right, yet let it be as +you wish." On seeing us, Papa said, "Directly--wait a moment," +and looked towards the door as a hint for it to be shut. + +"Gracious heavens! What can be the matter with you to-day, +Jakoff?" he went on with a hitch of one shoulder (a habit of +his). "This envelope here with the 800 roubles enclosed,"--Jacob +took out a set of tablets, put down "800" and remained looking +at the figures while he waited for what was to come next--"is for +expenses during my absence. Do you understand? From the mill you +ought to receive 1000 roubles. Is not that so? And from the +Treasury mortgage you ought to receive some 8000 roubles. From +the hay--of which, according to your calculations, we shall be +able to sell 7000 poods [The pood = 40 lbs.]at 45 copecks a piece
+there should come in 3000, Consequently the +sum-total that you ought to have in hand soon is--how much?--12,000 +roubles. Is that right?" + +"Precisely," answered Jakoff, Yet by the extreme rapidity with +which his fingers were twitching I could see that he had an +objection to make. Papa went on: + +"Well, of this money you will send 10,000 roubles to the +Petrovskoe local council, As for the money already at the office, +you will remit it to me, and enter it as spent on this present +date." Jakoff turned over the tablet marked "12,000," and put +down "21,000"--seeming, by his action, to imply that +12,000 roubles had been turned over in the same fashion as he had +turned the tablet. "And this envelope with the enclosed money," +concluded Papa, "you will deliver for me to the person to whom +it is addressed." + +I was standing close to the table, and could see the address. It +was "To Karl Ivanitch Mayer." Perhaps Papa had an idea that I +had read something which I ought not, for he touched my shoulder +with his hand and made me aware, by a slight movement, that I +must withdraw from the table. Not sure whether the movement was +meant for a caress or a command, I kissed the large, sinewy hand +which rested upon my shoulder. + +"Very well," said Jakoff. "And what are your orders about the +accounts for the money from Chabarovska?" (Chabarovska was +Mamma's village.) + +"Only that they are to remain in my office, and not to be taken +thence without my express instructions." + +For a minute or two Jakoff was silent. Then his fingers began to +twitch with extraordinary rapidity, and, changing the expression +of deferential vacancy with which he had listened to his orders +for one of shrewd intelligence, he turned his tablets back and +spoke. + +"Will you allow me to inform you, Peter Alexandritch," he said, +with frequent pauses between his words, "that, however much you +wish it, it is out of the question to repay the local council +now. You enumerated some items, I think, as to what ought to come +in from the mortgage, the mill, and the hay (he jotted down each +of these items on his tablets again as he spoke)." Yet I fear +that we must have made a mistake somewhere in the accounts." Here +he paused a while, and looked gravely at Papa. + +"How so?" + +"Well, will you be good enough to look for yourself? There is the +account for the mill. The miller has been to me twice to ask for +time, and I am afraid that he has no money whatever in hand. He +is here now. Would you like to speak to him?" + +"No. Tell me what he says," replied Papa, showing by a movement +of his head that he had no desire to have speech with the miller, + +"Well, it is easy enough to guess what he says. He declares that +there is no grinding to be got now, and that his last remaining +money has gone to pay for the dam. What good would it do for us +to turn him out? As to what you were pleased to say about the +mortgage, you yourself are aware that your money there is locked +up and cannot be recovered at a moment's notice. I was sending a +load of flour to Ivan Afanovitch to-day, and sent him a letter as +well, to which he replies that he would have been glad to oblige +you, Peter Alexandritch, were it not that the matter is out of +his hands now, and that all the circumstances show that it would +take you at least two months to withdraw the money. From the +hay I understood you to estimate a return of 3000 roubles?" +(Here Jakoff jotted down "3000" on his tablets, and then looked +for a moment from the figures to Papa with a peculiar expression +on his face.) "Well, surely you see for yourself how little that +is? And even then we should lose if we were to sell the stuff +now, for you must know that--" + +It was clear that he would have had many other arguments to +adduce had not Papa interrupted him, + +"I cannot make any change in my arrangements," said Papa. "Yet +if there should REALLY have to be any delay in the recovery of +these sums, we could borrow what we wanted from the Chabarovska +funds." + +"Very well, sir." The expression of Jakoff's face and the way in +which he twitched his fingers showed that this order had given +him great satisfaction. He was a serf, and a most zealous, +devoted one, but, like all good bailiffs, exacting and +parsimonious to a degree in the interests of his master. Moreover, +he had some queer notions of his own. He was forever endeavouring +to increase his master's property at the expense of his +mistress's, and to prove that it would be impossible to avoid +using the rents from her estates for the benefit of Petrovskoe +(my father's village, and the place where we lived). This point +he had now gained and was delighted in consequence. + +Papa then greeted ourselves, and said that if we stayed much +longer in the country we should become lazy boys; that we were +growing quite big now, and must set about doing lessons in +earnest, + +"I suppose you know that I am starting for Moscow to-night?" he +went on, "and that I am going to take you with me? You will live +with Grandmamma, but Mamma and the girls will remain here. You +know, too, I am sure, that Mamma's one consolation will be to +hear that you are doing your lessons well and pleasing every one +around you." + +The preparations which had been in progress for some days past +had made us expect some unusual event, but this news left us +thunderstruck, Woloda turned red, and, with a shaking voice, +delivered Mamma's message to Papa. + +"So this was what my dream foreboded!" I thought to myself. +"God send that there come nothing worse!" I felt terribly sorry +to have to leave Mamma, but at the same rejoiced to think that I +should soon be grown up, "If we are going to-day, we shall +probably have no lessons to do, and that will be splendid, +However, I am sorry for Karl Ivanitch, for he will certainly be +dismissed now. That was why that envelope had been prepared for +him. I think I would almost rather stay and do lessons here than +leave Mamma or hurt poor Karl. He is miserable enough already." + +As these thoughts crossed my mind I stood looking sadly at the +black ribbons on my shoes, After a few words to Karl Ivanitch +about the depression of the barometer and an injunction to Jakoff +not to feed the hounds, since a farewell meet was to be held +after luncheon, Papa disappointed my hopes by sending us off to +lessons--though he also consoled us by promising to take us out +hunting later. + +On my way upstairs I made a digression to the terrace. Near the +door leading on to it Papa's favourite hound, Milka, was lying in +the sun and blinking her eyes. + +"Miloshka," I cried as I caressed her and kissed her nose, we +are going away today. Good-bye. Perhaps we shall never see each +other again." I was crying and laughing at the same time. + +IV + +LESSONS + +Karl Ivanitch was in a bad temper, This was clear from his +contracted brows, and from the way in which he flung his +frockcoat into a drawer, angrily donned his old dressing-gown +again, and made deep dints with his nails to mark the place in +the book of dialogues to which we were to learn by heart. Woloda +began working diligently, but I was too distracted to do anything +at all. For a long while I stared vacantly at the book; but tears +at the thought of the impending separation kept rushing to my +eyes and preventing me from reading a single word. When at length +the time came to repeat the dialogues to Karl (who listened to +us with blinking eyes--a very bad sign), I had no sooner reached +the place where some one asks, "Wo kommen Sie her?" +("Where do you come from?") and some one else +answers him, "lch komme vom Kaffeehaus" ("I come from the +coffee-house"), than I burst into tears and, for sobbing, could +not pronounce, "Haben Sie die Zeitung nicht gelesen?" (Have you +not read the newspaper?") at all. Next, when we came to our +writing lesson, the tears kept falling from my eyes and, making a +mess on the paper, as though some one had written on blotting- +paper with water, Karl was very angry. He ordered me to go down +upon my knees, declared that it was all obstinacy and " puppet- +comedy playing" (a favourite expression of his) on my part, +threatened me with the ruler, and commanded me to say that I was +sorry. Yet for sobbing and crying I could not get a word out. At +last--conscious, perhaps, that he was unjust--he departed to +Nicola's pantry, and slammed the door behind him. Nevertheless +their conversation there carried to the schoolroom. + +"Have you heard that the children are going to Moscow, Nicola?" +said Karl. + +"Yes. How could I help hearing it?" + +At this point Nicola seemed to get up for Karl said, "Sit down, +Nicola," and then locked the door. However, I came out of my +corner and crept to the door to listen. + +"However much you may do for people, and however fond of them +you may be, never expect any gratitude, Nicola," said Karl +warmly. Nicola, who was shoe-cobbling by the window, nodded his +head in assent. + +"Twelve years have I lived in this house," went on Karl, +lifting his eyes and his snuff-box towards the ceiling, "and +before God I can say that I have loved them, and worked for them, +even more than if they had been my own children. You recollect, +Nicola, when Woloda had the fever? You recollect how, for nine +days and nights, I never closed my eyes as I sat beside his bed? +Yes, at that time I was 'the dear, good Karl Ivanitch'--I was wanted +then; but now"--and he smiled ironically--"the children are +growing up, and must go to study in earnest. Perhaps they never +learnt anything with me, Nicola? Eh?" + +"I am sure they did," replied Nicola, laying his awl down and +straightening a piece of thread with his hands. + +"No, I am wanted no longer, and am to be turned out. What good +are promises and gratitude? Natalia Nicolaevna"--here he laid his +hand upon his heart--"I love and revere, but what can SHE I do +here? Her will is powerless in this house." + +He flung a strip of leather on the floor with an angry gesture. +"Yet I know who has been playing tricks here, and why I am no +longer wanted. It is because I do not flatter and toady as +certain people do. I am in the habit of speaking the truth in all +places and to all persons," he continued proudly, "God be with +these children, for my leaving them will benefit them little, +whereas I--well, by God's help I may be able to earn a crust of +bread somewhere. Nicola, eh?" + +Nicola raised his head and looked at Karl as though to consider +whether he would indeed be able to earn a crust of bread, but he +said nothing. Karl said a great deal more of the same kind--in +particular how much better his services had been appreciated at a +certain general's where he had formerly lived (I regretted to +hear that). Likewise he spoke of Saxony, his parents, his friend +the tailor, Schonheit (beauty), and so on. + +I sympathised with his distress, and felt dreadfully sorry that +he and Papa (both of whom I loved about equally) had had a +difference. Then I returned to my corner, crouched down upon my +heels, and fell to thinking how a reconciliation between them +might be effected. + +Returning to the study, Karl ordered me to get up and prepare to +write from dictation. When I was ready he sat down with a +dignified air in his arm-chair, and in a voice which seemed to +come from a profound abyss began to dictate: "Von al-len Lei- +den-shaf-ten die grau-samste ist. Have you written that? " He +paused, took a pinch of snuff, and began again: "Die grausamste +ist die Un-dank-bar-keit [The most cruel of all passions is +ingratitude.] a capital U, mind." + +The last word written, I looked at him, for him to go on, + +"Punctum" (stop), he concluded, with a faintly perceptible +smile, as he signed to us to hand him our copy-books. + +Several times, and in several different tones, and always with an +expression of the greatest satisfaction, did he read out that +sentence, which expressed his predominant thought at the moment, +Then he set us to learn a lesson in history, and sat down near +the window. His face did not look so depressed now, but, on the +contrary, expressed eloquently the satisfaction of a man who had +avenged himself for an injury dealt him. + +By this time it was a quarter to one o'clock, but Karl Ivanitch +never thought of releasing us, He merely set us a new lesson to +learn. My fatigue and hunger were increasing in equal +proportions, so that I eagerly followed every sign of the +approach of luncheon. First came the housemaid with a cloth to +wipe the plates, Next, the sound of crockery resounded in the +dining-room, as the table was moved and chairs placed round it, +After that, Mimi, Lubotshka, and Katenka. (Katenka was Mimi's +daughter, and twelve years old) came in from the garden, but +Foka (the servant who always used to come and announce luncheon) +was not yet to be seen. Only when he entered was it lawful to +throw one's books aside and run downstairs. + +Hark! Steps resounded on the staircase, but they were not +Foka's. Foka's I had learnt to study, and knew the creaking +of his boots well. The door opened, and a figure unknown to +me made its appearance, + +V + +THE IDIOT + +The man who now entered the room was about fifty years old, with +a pale, attenuated face pitted with smallpox, long grey hair, and +a scanty beard of a reddish hue. Likewise he was so tall that, on +coming through the doorway, he was forced not only to bend his +head, but to incline his whole body forward. He was dressed in a +sort of smock that was much torn, and held in his hand a stout +staff. As he entered he smote this staff upon the floor, and, +contracting his brows and opening his mouth to its fullest +extent, laughed in a dreadful, unnatural way. He had lost the +sight of one eye, and its colourless pupil kept rolling about and +imparting to his hideous face an even more repellent expression +than it otherwise bore. + +"Hullo, you are caught!" he exclaimed as he ran to Woloda with +little short steps and, seizing him round the head, looked at it +searchingly. Next he left him, went to the table, and, with a +perfectly serious expression on his face, began to blow under the +oil-cloth, and to make the sign of the cross over it, "O-oh, +what a pity! O-oh, how it hurts! They are angry! They fly from +me!" he exclaimed in a tearful choking voice as he glared at +Woloda and wiped away the streaming tears with his sleeve, His +voice was harsh and rough, all his movements hysterical and +spasmodic, and his words devoid of sense or connection (for he +used no conjunctions). Yet the tone of that voice was so +heartrending, and his yellow, deformed face at times so sincere +and pitiful in its expression, that, as one listened to him, it +was impossible to repress a mingled sensation of pity, grief, and +fear. + +This was the idiot Grisha. Whence he had come, or who were his +parents, or what had induced him to choose the strange life which +he led, no one ever knew. All that I myself knew was that from +his fifteenth year upwards he had been known as an imbecile who +went barefooted both in winter and summer, visited convents, gave +little images to any one who cared to take them, and spoke +meaningless words which some people took for prophecies; that +nobody remembered him as being different; that at, rate intervals +he used to call at Grandmamma's house; and that by some people
+he was said to be the outcast son of rich parents and a pure,
+saintly soul, while others averred that he was a mere peasant
+and an idler. + +At last the punctual and wished-for Foka arrived, and we went +downstairs. Grisha followed us sobbing and continuing to talk +nonsense, and knocking his staff on each step of the staircase. +When we entered the drawing-room we found Papa and Mamma walking +up and down there, with their hands clasped in each other's, and +talking in low tones. Maria Ivanovna was sitting bolt upright in +an arm-chair placed at tight angles to the sofa, and giving some +sort of a lesson to the two girls sitting beside her. When Karl +Ivanitch entered the room she looked at him for a moment, and +then turned her eyes away with an expression which seemed to say, +"You are beneath my notice, Karl Ivanitch." It was easy to see +from the girls' eyes that they had important news to communicate +to us as soon as an opportunity occurred (for to leave their +seats and approach us first was contrary to Mimi's rules). It was +for us to go to her and say, "Bon jour, Mimi," and then make her +a low bow; after which we should possibly be permitted to enter +into conversation with the girls. + +What an intolerable creature that Mimi was! One could hardly say +a word in her presence without being found fault with. Also +whenever we wanted to speak in Russian, she would say, "Parlez, +donc, francais," as though on purpose to annoy us, while, if +there was any particularly nice dish at luncheon which we wished +to enjoy in peace, she would keep on ejaculating, "Mangez, donc, +avec du pain!" or, "Comment est-ce que vous tenez votre +fourchette?" "What has SHE got to do with us?" I used to think +to myself. "Let her teach the girls. WE have our Karl Ivanitch." +I shared to the full his dislike of "certain people." + +"Ask Mamma to let us go hunting too," Katenka whispered to me, +as she caught me by the sleeve just when the elders of the family +were making a move towards the dining-room. + +"Very well. I will try." + +Grisha likewise took a seat in the dining-room, but at a little +table apart from the rest. He never lifted his eyes from his +plate, but kept on sighing and making horrible grimaces, as he +muttered to himself: "What a pity! It has flown away! The dove +is flying to heaven! The stone lies on the tomb!" and so forth. + +Ever since the morning Mamma had been absent-minded, and Grisha's +presence, words, and actions seemed to make her more so. + +"By the way, there is something I forgot to ask you," she said, +as she handed Papa a plate of soup, + +"What is it?" + +"That you will have those dreadful dogs of yours tied up, They +nearly worried poor Grisha to death when he entered the +courtyard, and I am sure they will bite the children some day." + +No sooner did Grisha hear himself mentioned that he turned +towards our table and showed us his torn clothes. Then, as he went +on with his meal, he said: "He would have let them tear me in +pieces, but God would not allow it! What a sin to let the dogs +loose--a great sin! But do not beat him, master; do not beat him! +It is for God to forgive! It is past now!" + +"What does he say?" said Papa, looking at him gravely and +sternly. "I cannot understand him at all." + +"I think he is saying," replied Mamma, "that one of the +huntsmen set the dogs on him, but that God would not allow him to +be torn in pieces, Therefore he begs you not to punish the man." + +"Oh, is that it? " said Papa, "How does he know that I intended +to punish the huntsman? You know, I am pot very fond of fellows +like this," he added in French, "and this one offends me +particularly. Should it ever happen that--" + +"Oh, don't say so," interrupted Mamma, as if frightened by some +thought. "How can you know what he is?" + +"I think I have plenty of opportunities for doing so, since no +lack of them come to see you--all of them the same sort, and +probably all with the same story." + +I could see that Mamma's opinion differed from his, but that she +did not mean to quarrel about it. + +"Please hand me the cakes," she said to him, "Are they good to- +day or not?" + +"Yes, I AM angry," he went on as he took the cakes and put them +where Mamma could not reach them, "very angry at seeing +supposedly reasonable and educated people let themselves be +deceived," and he struck the table with his fork. + +"I asked you to hand me the cakes," she repeated with +outstretched hand. + +"And it is a good thing," Papa continued as he put the hand +aside, "that the police run such vagabonds in. All they are good +for is to play upon the nerves of certain people who are already +not over-strong in that respect," and he smiled, observing that +Mamma did not like the conversation at all. However, he handed +her the cakes. + +"All that I have to say," she replied, "is that one can hardly +believe that a man who, though sixty years of age, goes +barefooted winter and summer, and always wears chains of two +pounds' weight, and never accepts the offers made to him to live +a quiet, comfortable life--it is difficult to believe that such a +man should act thus out of laziness." Pausing a moment, she added +with a sigh: "As to predictions, je suis payee pour y croire, I +told you, I think, that Grisha prophesied the very day and hour +of poor Papa's death?" + +"Oh, what HAVE you gone and done?" said Papa, laughing and +putting his hand to his cheek (whenever he did this I used to +look for something particularly comical from him). "Why did you +call my attention to his feet? I looked at them, and now can eat +nothing more." + +Luncheon was over now, and Lubotshka and Katenka were winking at +us, fidgeting about in their chairs, and showing great +restlessness. The winking, of course, signified, "Why don't you +ask whether we too may go to the hunt?" I nudged Woloda, and +Woloda nudged me back, until at last I took heart of grace, and +began (at first shyly, but gradually with more assurance) to ask +if it would matter much if the girls too were allowed to enjoy +the sport. Thereupon a consultation was held among the elder +folks, and eventually leave was granted--Mamma, to make things +still more delightful, saying that she would come too, + +VI + +PREPARATIONS FOR THE CHASE + +During dessert Jakoff had been sent for, and orders given him to +have ready the carriage, the hounds, and the saddle-horses--every +detail being minutely specified, and every horse called by its +own particular name. As Woloda's usual mount was lame, Papa +ordered a "hunter" to be saddled for him; which term, "hunter" +so horrified Mamma's ears, that she imagined it to be some kind +of an animal which would at once run away and bring about +Woloda's death. Consequently, in spite of all Papa's and Woloda's +assurances (the latter glibly affirming that it was nothing, and +that he liked his horse to go fast), poor Mamma continued to +exclaim that her pleasure would be quite spoilt for her. + +When luncheon was over, the grown-ups had coffee in the study, +while we younger ones ran into the garden and went chattering +along the undulating paths with their carpet of yellow leaves. +We talked about Woloda's riding a hunter and said what a shame it +was that Lubotshka, could not run as fast as Katenka, and what +fun it would be if we could see Grisha's chains, and so forth; +but of the impending separation we said not a word. Our chatter +was interrupted by the sound of the carriage driving up, with a +village urchin perched on each of its springs. Behind the +carriage rode the huntsmen with the hounds, and they, again, +were followed by the groom Ignat on the steed intended for +Woloda, with my old horse trotting alongside. After running to +the garden fence to get a sight of all these interesting +objects, and indulging in a chorus of whistling and hallooing, +we rushed upstairs to dress--our one aim being to make ourselves +look as like the huntsmen as possible. The obvious way to do this +was to tuck one's breeches inside one's boots. We lost no time +over it all, for we were in a hurry to run to the entrance steps +again there to feast our eyes upon the horses and hounds, and to +have a chat with the huntsmen. The day was exceedingly warm +while, though clouds of fantastic shape had been gathering on the +horizon since morning and driving before a light breeze across +the sun, it was clear that, for all their menacing blackness, +they did not really intend to form a thunderstorm and spoil our +last day's pleasure. Moreover, towards afternoon some of them +broke, grew pale and elongated, and sank to the horizon again, +while others of them changed to the likeness of white transparent +fish-scales. In the east, over Maslovska, a single lurid mass was +louring, but Karl Ivanitch (who always seemed to know the ways of +the heavens) said that the weather would still continue to be +fair and dry. + +In spite of his advanced years, it was in quite a sprightly +manner that Foka came out to the entrance steps. to give the +order "Drive up." In fact, as he planted his legs firmly apart +and took up his station between the lowest step and the spot +where the coachman was to halt, his mien was that of a man who +knew his duties and had no need to be reminded of them by +anybody. Presently the ladies, also came out, and after a little +discussions as to seats and the safety of the girls (all of which +seemed to me wholly superfluous), they settled themselves in the +vehicle, opened their parasols, and started. As the carriage was, +driving away, Mamma pointed to the hunter and asked nervously "Is
+that the horse intended for Vladimir Petrovitch?" On the +groom answering in the affirmative, she raised her hands in +horror and turned her head away. As for myself, I was burning +with impatience. Clambering on to the back of my steed (I was +just tall enough to see between its ears), I proceeded to perform +evolutions in the courtyard. + +"Mind you don't ride over the hounds, sir," said one of the +huntsmen, + +"Hold your tongue, It is not the first time I have been one of +the party." I retorted with dignity. + +Although Woloda had plenty of pluck, he was not altogether free +from apprehensions as he sat on the hunter. Indeed, he more than +once asked as he patted it, "Is he quiet?" He looked very well +on horseback--almost a grown-up young man, and held himself so +upright in the saddle that I envied him since my shadow seemed to +show that I could not compare with him in looks. + +Presently Papa's footsteps sounded on the flagstones, the whip +collected the hounds, and the huntsmen mounted their steeds. +Papa's horse came up in charge of a groom, the hounds of his +particular leash sprang up from their picturesque attitudes to +fawn upon him, and Milka, in a collar studded with beads, came +bounding joyfully from behind his heels to greet and sport with +the other dogs. Finally, as soon as Papa had mounted we rode +away. + +VII + +THE HUNT + +AT the head of the cavalcade rode Turka, on a hog-backed roan. On +his head he wore a shaggy cap, while, with a magnificent horn +slung across his shoulders and a knife at his belt, he looked so +cruel and inexorable that one would have thought he was going to +engage in bloody strife with his fellow men rather than to hunt a +small animal. Around the hind legs of his horse the hounds +gambolled like a cluster of checkered, restless balls. If one of +them wished to stop, it was only with the greatest difficulty +that it could do so, since not only had its leash-fellow also to +be induced to halt, but at once one of the huntsmen would wheel +round, crack his whip, and shout to the delinquent, + +"Back to the pack, there!" + +Arrived at a gate, Papa told us and the huntsmen to continue our +way along the road, and then rode off across a cornfield. The +harvest was at its height. On the further side of a large, +shining, yellow stretch of cornland lay a high purple belt of +forest which always figured in my eyes as a distant, mysterious +region behind which either the world ended or an uninhabited +waste began. This expanse of corn-land was dotted with swathes +and reapers, while along the lanes where the sickle had passed +could be seen the backs of women as they stooped among the tall, +thick grain or lifted armfuls of corn and rested them against the +shocks. In one corner a woman was bending over a cradle, and the +whole stubble was studded with sheaves and cornflowers. In +another direction shirt-sleeved men were standing on waggons, +shaking the soil from the stalks of sheaves, and stacking them +for carrying. As soon as the foreman (dressed in a blouse and +high boots, and carrying a tally-stick) caught sight of Papa, he +hastened to take off his lamb's-wool cap and, wiping his red +head, told the women to get up. Papa's chestnut horse went +trotting along with a prancing gait as it tossed its head and +swished its tail to and fro to drive away the gadflies and +countless other insects which tormented its flanks, while his two +greyhounds--their tails curved like sickles--went springing +gracefully over the stubble. Milka was always first, but every +now and then she would halt with a shake of her head to await the +whipper-in. The chatter of the peasants; the rumbling of horses +and waggons; the joyous cries of quails; the hum of insects as +they hung suspended in the motionless air; the smell of the soil +and grain and steam from our horses; the thousand different +lights and shadows which the burning sun cast upon the yellowish- +white cornland; the purple forest in the distance; the white +gossamer threads which were floating in the air or resting on the +soil-all these things I observed and heard and felt to the core. + +Arrived at the Kalinovo wood, we found the carriage awaiting us +there, with, beside it, a one-horse waggonette driven by the +butler--a waggonette in which were a tea-urn, some apparatus for +making ices, and many other attractive boxes and bundles, all +packed in straw! There was no mistaking these signs, for they +meant that we were going to have tea, fruit, and ices in the open +air. This afforded us intense delight, since to drink tea in a +wood and on the grass and where none else had ever drunk tea +before seemed to us a treat beyond expressing. + +When Turka arrived at the little clearing where the carriage was +halted he took Papa's detailed instructions as to how we were to +divide ourselves and where each of us was to go (though, as a +matter of fact, he never acted according to such instructions, +but always followed his own devices). Then he unleashed the +hounds, fastened the leashes to his saddle, whistled to the pack, +and disappeared among the young birch trees the liberated hounds +jumping about him in high delight, wagging their tails, and +sniffing and gambolling with one another as they dispersed +themselves in different directions. + +"Has anyone a pocket-handkerchief to spare?" asked Papa. I took +mine from my pocket and offered it to him. + +"Very well, Fasten it to this greyhound here." + +"Gizana?" I asked, with the air of a connoisseur. + +"Yes. Then run him along the road with you. When you come to a +little clearing in the wood stop and look about you, and don't +come back to me without a hare." + +Accordingly I tied my handkerchief round Gizana's soft neck, and +set off running at full speed towards the appointed spot, Papa +laughing as he shouted after me, "Hurry up, hurry up or you'll +be late! " + +Every now and then Gizana kept stopping, pricking up his ears, +and listening to the hallooing of the beaters. Whenever he did +this I was not strong enough to move him, and could do no more +than shout, "Come on, come on!" Presently he set off so fast +that I could not restrain him, and I encountered more than one +fall before we reached our destination. Selecting there a level, +shady spot near the roots of a great oak-tree, I lay down on the +turf, made Gizana crouch beside me, and waited. As usual, my +imagination far outstripped reality. I fancied that I was +pursuing at least my third hare when, as a matter of fact, the +first hound was only just giving tongue. Presently, however, +Turka's voice began to sound through the wood in louder and more +excited tones, the baying of a hound came nearer and nearer, and +then another, and then a third, and then a fourth, deep throat +joined in the rising and falling cadences of a chorus, until the +whole had united their voices in one continuous, tumultuous +burst of melody. As the Russian proverb expresses it, "The +forest had found a tongue, and the hounds were burning as with +fire." + +My excitement was so great that I nearly swooned where I stood. +My lips parted themselves as though smiling, the perspiration +poured from me in streams, and, in spite of the tickling +sensation caused by the drops as they trickled over my chin, I +never thought of wiping them away. I felt that a crisis was +approaching. Yet the tension was too unnatural to last. Soon the +hounds came tearing along the edge of the wood, and then--behold, +they were racing away from me again, and of hares there was not a +sign to be seen! I looked in every direction and Gizana did the +same--pulling at his leash at first and whining. Then he lay down +again by my side, rested his muzzle on my knees, and resigned +himself to disappointment. Among the naked roots of the oak-tree +under which I was sitting. I could see countless ants swarming +over the parched grey earth and winding among the acorns, +withered oak-leaves, dry twigs, russet moss, and slender, scanty +blades of grass. In serried files they kept pressing forward on +the level track they had made for themselves--some carrying +burdens, some not. I took a piece of twig and barred their way. +Instantly it was curious to see how they made light of the +obstacle. Some got past it by creeping underneath, and some by +climbing over it. A few, however, there were (especially those +weighted with loads) who were nonplussed what to do. They either +halted and searched for a way round, or returned whence they had +come, or climbed the adjacent herbage, with the evident intention +of reaching my hand and going up the sleeve of my jacket. From +this interesting spectacle my attention was distracted by the +yellow wings of a butterfly which was fluttering alluringly +before me. Yet I had scarcely noticed it before it flew away to a +little distance and, circling over some half-faded blossoms of +white clover, settled on one of them. Whether it was the sun's +warmth that delighted it, or whether it was busy sucking nectar +from the flower, at all events it seemed thoroughly comfortable. +It scarcely moved its wings at all, and pressed itself down into +the clover until I could hardly see its body. I sat with my chin +on my hands and watched it with intense interest. + +Suddenly Gizana sprang up and gave me such a violent jerk that I +nearly rolled over. I looked round. At the edge of the wood a +hare had just come into view, with one ear bent down and the +other one sharply pricked, The blood rushed to my head, and I +forgot everything else as I shouted, slipped the dog, and rushed +towards the spot. Yet all was in vain. The hare stopped, made a +rush, and was lost to view. + +How confused I felt when at that moment Turka stepped from the +undergrowth (he had been following the hounds as they ran along +the edges of the wood)! He had seen my mistake (which had +consisted in my not biding my time), and now threw me a +contemptuous look as he said, "Ah, master!" And you should have +heard the tone in which he said it! It would have been a relief +to me if he had then and there suspended me to his saddle instead +of the hare. For a while I could only stand miserably where I +was, without attempting to recall the dog, and ejaculate as I +slapped my knees, "Good heavens! What a fool I was!" I could +hear the hounds retreating into the distance, and baying along +the further side of the wood as they pursued the hare, while +Turka rallied them with blasts on his gorgeous horn: yet I did +not stir. + +VIII + +WE PLAY GAMES + +THE hunt was over, a cloth had been spread in the shade of some +young birch-trees, and the whole party was disposed around it. +The butler, Gabriel, had stamped down the surrounding grass, +wiped the plates in readiness, and unpacked from a basket a +quantity of plums and peaches wrapped in leaves. + +Through the green branches of the young birch-trees the sun +glittered and threw little glancing balls of light upon the +pattern of my napkin, my legs, and the bald moist head of +Gabriel. A soft breeze played in the leaves of the trees above +us, and, breathing softly upon my hair and heated face, +refreshed me beyond measure, When we had finished the fruit and +ices, nothing remained to be done around the empty cloth, so, +despite the oblique, scorching rays of the sun, we rose and +proceeded to play. + +"Well, what shall it be?" said Lubotshka, blinking in the +sunlight and skipping about the grass, "Suppose we play +Robinson?" + +"No, that's a tiresome game," objected Woloda, stretching +himself lazily on the turf and gnawing some leaves, "Always +Robinson! If you want to play at something, play at building a +summerhouse." + +Woloda was giving himself tremendous airs. Probably he was proud +of having ridden the hunter, and so pretended to be very tired. +Perhaps, also, he had too much hard-headedness and too little +imagination fully to enjoy the game of Robinson. It was a game +which consisted of performing various scenes from The Swiss +Family Robinson, a book which we had recently been reading. + +"Well, but be a good boy. Why not try and please us this time?" +the girls answered. "You may be Charles or Ernest or the father, +whichever you like best," added Katenka as she tried to raise him +from the ground by pulling at his sleeve. + +"No, I'm not going to; it's a tiresome game," said Woloda again, +though smiling as if secretly pleased. + +"It would be better to sit at home than not to play at +ANYTHING," murmured Lubotshka, with tears in her eyes. She was a +great weeper. + +"Well, go on, then. Only, DON'T cry; I can't stand that sort of +thing." + +Woloda's condescension did not please us much. On the contrary, +his lazy, tired expression took away all the fun of the game. +When we sat on the ground and imagined that we were sitting in a +boat and either fishing or rowing with all our might, Woloda +persisted in sitting with folded hands or in anything but a +fisherman's posture. I made a remark about it, but he replied +that, whether we moved our hands or not, we should neither gain +nor lose ground--certainly not advance at all, and I was forced to +agree with him. Again, when I pretended to go out hunting, and, +with a stick over my shoulder, set off into the wood, Woloda only +lay down on his back with his hands under his head, and said that +he supposed it was all the same whether he went or not. Such +behaviour and speeches cooled our ardour for the game and were +very disagreeable--the more so since it was impossible not to +confess to oneself that Woloda was right, I myself knew that it +was not only impossible to kill birds with a stick, but to shoot +at all with such a weapon. Still, it was the game, and if we were +once to begin reasoning thus, it would become equally impossible +for us to go for drives on chairs. I think that even Woloda +himself cannot at that moment have forgotten how, in the long +winter evenings, we had been used to cover an arm-chair with a +shawl and make a carriage of it--one of us being the coachman, +another one the footman, the two girls the passengers, and three +other chairs the trio of horses abreast. With what ceremony we +used to set out, and with what adventures we used to meet on the +way! How gaily and quickly those long winter evenings used to +pass! If we were always to judge from reality, games would be +nonsense; but if games were nonsense, what else would there be +left to do? + +IX + +A FIRST ESSAY IN LOVE + +PRETENDING to gather some "American fruit" from a tree, +Lubotshka suddenly plucked a leaf upon which was a huge +caterpillar, and throwing the insect with horror to the ground, +lifted her hands and sprang away as though afraid it would spit +at her. The game stopped, and we crowded our heads together as we +stooped to look at the curiosity. + +I peeped over Katenka's shoulder as she was trying to lift the +caterpillar by placing another leaf in its way. I had observed +before that the girls had a way of shrugging their shoulders +whenever they were trying to put a loose garment straight on +their bare necks, as well as that Mimi always grew angry on +witnessing this manoeuvre and declared it to be a chambermaid's +trick. As Katenka bent over the caterpillar she made that very +movement, while at the same instant the breeze lifted the fichu +on her white neck. Her shoulder was close to my lips, I looked at +it and kissed it, She did not turn round, but Woloda remarked +without raising his head, "What spooniness!" I felt the tears +rising to my eyes, and could not take my gaze from Katenka. I had +long been used to her fair, fresh face, and had always been fond +of her, but now I looked at her more closely, and felt more fond +of her, than I had ever done or felt before. + +When we returned to the grown-ups, Papa informed us, to our great +joy, that, at Mamma's entreaties, our departure was to be +postponed until the following morning. We rode home beside the +carriage--Woloda and I galloping near it, and vieing with one +another in our exhibition of horsemanship and daring. My shadow +looked longer now than it had done before, and from that I judged +that I had grown into a fine rider. Yet my complacency was soon +marred by an unfortunate occurrence, Desiring to outdo Woloda +before the audience in the carriage, I dropped a little behind.
+Then with whip and spur I urged my steed forward, and at the
+same time assumed a natural, graceful attitude, with the intention
+of whooting past the carriage on the side on which Katenka was
+seated. My only doubt was whether to halloo or not as I did so.
+In the event, my infernal horse stopped so abruptly when just
+level with the carriage horses that I was pitched forward on
+to its neck and cut a very sorry figure! + +X + +THE SORT OF MAN MY FATHER WAS + +Papa was a gentleman of the last century, with all the chivalrous +character, self-reliance, and gallantry of the youth of that +time. Upon the men of the present day he looked with a contempt +arising partly from inborn pride and partly from a secret feeling +of vexation that, in this age of ours, he could no longer enjoy +the influence and success which had been his in his youth. His +two principal failings were gambling and gallantry, and he had +won or lost, in the course of his career, several millions of +roubles. + +Tall and of imposing figure, he walked with a curiously quick, +mincing gait, as well as had a habit of hitching one of his +shoulders. His eyes were small and perpetually twinkling, his +nose large and aquiline, his lips irregular and rather oddly +(though pleasantly) compressed, his articulation slightly +defective and lisping, and his head quite bald. Such was my +father's exterior from the days of my earliest recollection. It +was an exterior which not only brought him success and made him a +man a bonnes fortunes but one which pleased people of all ranks +and stations. Especially did it please those whom he desired to +please. + +At all junctures he knew how to take the lead, for, though not +deriving from the highest circles of society, he had always mixed +with them, and knew how to win their respect. He possessed in the +highest degree that measure of pride and self-confidence which, +without giving offence, maintains a man in the opinion of the +world. He had much originality, as well as the ability to use it +in such a way that it benefited him as much as actual worldly +position or fortune could have done. Nothing in the universe +could surprise him, and though not of eminent attainments in +life, he seemed born to have acquired them. He understood so +perfectly how to make both himself and others forget and keep at +a distance the seamy side of life, with all its petty troubles +and vicissitudes, that it was impossible not to envy him. He was +a connoisseur in everything which could give ease and pleasure, +as well as knew how to make use of such knowledge. Likewise he +prided himself on the brilliant connections which he had formed +through my mother's family or through friends of his youth, and +was secretly jealous of any one of a higher rank than himself--any +one, that is to say, of a rank higher than a retired lieutenant +of the Guards. Moreover, like all ex-officers, he refused to +dress himself in the prevailing fashion, though he attired +himself both originally and artistically--his invariable wear +being light, loose-fitting suits, very fine shirts, and large +collars and cuffs. Everything seemed to suit his upright figure +and quiet, assured air. He was sensitive to the pitch of +sentimentality, and, when reading a pathetic passage, his voice +would begin to tremble and the tears to come into his eyes, until +he had to lay the book aside. Likewise he was fond of music, and +could accompany himself on the piano as he sang the love songs of +his friend A- or gipsy songs or themes from operas; but he had no +love for serious music, and would frankly flout received opinion +by declaring that, whereas Beethoven's sonatas wearied him and +sent him to sleep, his ideal of beauty was "Do not wake me, +youth" as Semenoff sang it, or "Not one" as the gipsy Taninsha +rendered that ditty. His nature was essentially one of those +which follow public opinion concerning what is good, and consider +only that good which the public declares to be so. [It may be +noted that the author has said earlier in the chapter that his +father possessed "much originality."] God only knows whether he +had any moral convictions. His life was so full of amusement that +probably he never had time to form any, and was too successful +ever to feel the lack of them. + +As he grew to old age he looked at things always from a fixed +point of view, and cultivated fixed rules--but only so long as +that point or those rules coincided with expediency, The mode of +life which offered some passing degree of interest--that, in his +opinion, was the right one and the only one that men ought to +affect. He had great fluency of argument; and this, I think, +increased the adaptability of his morals and enabled him to speak +of one and the same act, now as good, and now, with abuse, as +abominable. + +XI + +IN THE DRAWING-ROOM AND THE STUDY + +Twilight had set in when we reached home. Mamma sat down to the +piano, and we to a table, there to paint and draw in colours and +pencil. Though I had only one cake of colour, and it was blue, I +determined to draw a picture of the hunt. In exceedingly vivid +fashion I painted a blue boy on a blue horse, and--but here I +stopped, for I was uncertain whether it was possible also to +paint a blue HARE. I ran to the study to consult Papa, and as he +was busy reading he never lifted his eyes from his book when I +asked, "Can there be blue hares?" but at once replied, "There +can, my boy, there can." Returning to the table I painted in my +blue hare, but subsequently thought it better to change it into a +blue bush. Yet the blue bush did not wholly please me, so I +changed it into a tree, and then into a rick, until, the whole +paper having now become one blur of blue, I tore it angrily in +pieces, and went off to meditate in the large arm-chair. + +Mamma was playing Field's second concerto. Field, it may be said, +had been her master. As I dozed, the music brought up before my +imagination a kind of luminosity, with transparent dream-shapes. +Next she played the "Sonate Pathetique" of Beethoven, and I at +once felt heavy, depressed, and apprehensive. Mamma often played +those two pieces, and therefore I well recollect the feelings +they awakened in me. Those feelings were a reminiscence--of what? +Somehow I seemed to remember something which had never been. + +Opposite to me lay the study door, and presently I saw Jakoff +enter it, accompanied by several long-bearded men in kaftans. +Then the door shut again. + +"Now they are going to begin some business or other," I thought. +I believed the affairs transacted in that study to be the most +important ones on earth. This opinion was confirmed by the fact +that people only approached the door of that room on tiptoe and +speaking in whispers. Presently Papa's resonant voice sounded +within, and I also scented cigar smoke--always a very attractive +thing to me. Next, as I dozed, I suddenly heard a creaking of +boots that I knew, and, sure enough, saw Karl Ivanitch go on +tiptoe, and with a depressed, but resolute, expression on his +face and a written document in his hand, to the study door and +knock softly. It opened, and then shut again behind him. + +"I hope nothing is going to happen," I mused. "Karl Ivanitch is +offended, and might be capable of anything--" and again I dozed +off. + +Nevertheless something DID happen. An hour later I was disturbed +by the same creaking of boots, and saw Karl come out, and +disappear up the stairs, wiping away a few tears from his cheeks +with his pocket handkerchief as he went and muttering something +between his teeth. Papa came out behind him and turned aside into +the drawing-room. + +"Do you know what I have just decided to do?" he asked gaily as +he laid a hand upon Mamma's shoulder. + +"What, my love?" + +"To take Karl Ivanitch with the children. There will be room +enough for him in the carriage. They are used to him, and he +seems greatly attached to them. Seven hundred roubles a year +cannot make much difference to us, and the poor devil is not at +all a bad sort of a fellow." I could not understand why Papa +should speak of him so disrespectfully. + +"I am delighted," said Mamma, "and as much for the children's +sake as his own. He is a worthy old man." + +"I wish you could have seen how moved he was when I told him +that he might look upon the 500 roubles as a present! But the +most amusing thing of all is this bill which he has just handed +me. It is worth seeing," and with a smile Papa gave Mamma a paper +inscribed in Karl's handwriting. "Is it not capital? " he +concluded. + +The contents of the paper were as follows: [The joke of this bill +consists chiefly in its being written in very bad Russian, with +continual mistakes as to plural and singular, prepositions and so +forth.] + +"Two book for the children--70 copeck. Coloured paper, gold +frames, and a pop-guns, blockheads [This word has a double +meaning in Russian.] for cutting out several box for presents--6 +roubles, 55 copecks. Several book and a bows, presents for the +childrens--8 roubles, 16 copecks. A gold watches promised to me by +Peter Alexandrovitch out of Moscow, in the years 18-- for 140 +roubles. Consequently Karl Mayer have to receive 139 rouble, 79 +copecks, beside his wage." + +If people were to judge only by this bill (in which Karl Ivanitch +demanded repayment of all the money he had spent on presents, as +well as the value of a present promised to himself), they would +take him to have been a callous, avaricious egotist yet they +would be wrong. + +It appears that he had entered the study with the paper in his +hand and a set speech in his head, for the purpose of declaiming +eloquently to Papa on the subject of the wrongs which he believed +himself to have suffered in our house, but that, as soon as ever +he began to speak in the vibratory voice and with the expressive +intonations which he used in dictating to us, his eloquence +wrought upon himself more than upon Papa; with the result that, +when he came to the point where he had to say, "however sad it +will be for me to part with the children," he lost his self- +command utterly, his articulation became choked, and he was +obliged to draw his coloured pocket-handkerchief from his pocket. + +"Yes, Peter Alexandrovitch," he said, weeping (this formed no +part of the prepared speech), "I am grown so used to the +children that I cannot think what I should do without them. I +would rather serve you without salary than not at all," and with +one hand he wiped his eyes, while with the other he presented the +bill. + +Although I am convinced that at that moment Karl Ivanitch was +speaking with absolute sincerity (for I know how good his heart +was), I confess that never to this day have I been able quite to +reconcile his words with the bill. + +"Well, if the idea of leaving us grieves you, you may be sure +that the idea of dismissing you grieves me equally," said Papa, +tapping him on the shoulder. Then, after a pause, he added, "But +I have changed my mind, and you shall not leave us." + +Just before supper Grisha entered the room. Ever since he had +entered the house that day he had never ceased to sigh and weep--a +portent, according to those who believed in his prophetic powers, +that misfortune was impending for the household. He had now come +to take leave of us, for to-morrow (so he said) he must be moving +on. I nudged Woloda, and we moved towards the door. + +"What is the matter?" he said. + +"This--that if we want to see Grisha's chains we must go upstairs +at once to the men-servants' rooms. Grisha is to sleep in the +second one, so we can sit in the store-room and see everything." + +"All right. Wait here, and I'll tell the girls." + +The girls came at once, and we ascended the stairs, though the +question as to which of us should first enter the store-room gave +us some little trouble. Then we cowered down and waited. + +XII + +GRISHA + +WE all felt a little uneasy in the thick darkness, so we pressed +close to one another and said nothing. Before long Grisha arrived +with his soft tread, carrying in one hand his staff and in the +other a tallow candle set in a brass candlestick. We scarcely +ventured to breathe. + +"Our Lord Jesus Christ! Holy Mother of God! Father, Son, and +Holy Ghost!" he kept repeating, with the different intonations +and abbreviations which gradually become peculiar to persons who +are accustomed to pronounce the words with great frequency. + +Still praying, he placed his staff in a corner and looked at the +bed; after which he began to undress. Unfastening his old black +girdle, he slowly divested himself of his torn nankeen kaftan, +and deposited it carefully on the back of a chair. His face had +now lost its usual disquietude and idiocy. On the contrary, it +had in it something restful, thoughtful, and even grand, while +all his movements were deliberate and intelligent. + +Next, he lay down quietly in his shirt on the bed, made the sign +of the cross towards every side of him, and adjusted his chains +beneath his shirt--an operation which, as we could see from his +face, occasioned him considerable pain. Then he sat up again, +looked gravely at his ragged shirt, and rising and taking the +candle, lifted the latter towards the shrine where the images of +the saints stood. That done, he made the sign of the cross again, +and turned the candle upside down, when it went out with a +hissing noise. + +Through the window (which overlooked the wood) the moon (nearly +full) was shining in such a way that one side of the tall white +figure of the idiot stood out in the pale, silvery moonlight, +while the other side was lost in the dark shadow which covered +the floor, walls, and ceiling. In the courtyard the watchman was +tapping at intervals upon his brass alarm plate. For a while +Grisha stood silently before the images and, with his large hands +pressed to his breast and his head bent forward, gave occasional +sighs. Then with difficulty he knelt down and began to pray. + +At first he repeated some well-known prayers, and only accented a +word here and there. Next, he repeated thee same prayers, but +louder and with increased accentuation. Lastly he repeated them +again and with even greater emphasis, as well as with an evident +effort to pronounce them in the old Slavonic Church dialect. +Though disconnected, his prayers were very touching. He prayed +for all his benefactors (so he called every one who had received +him hospitably), with, among them, Mamma and ourselves. Next he +prayed for himself, and besought God to forgive him his sins, at +the same time repeating, "God forgive also my enemies!" Then, +moaning with the effort, he rose from his knees--only to fall to +the floor again and repeat his phrases afresh. At last he +regained his feet, despite the weight of the chains, which +rattled loudly whenever they struck the floor. + +Woloda pinched me rudely in the leg, but I took no notice of that +(except that I involuntarily touched the place with my hand), as +I observed with a feeling of childish astonishment, pity, and +respect the words and gestures of Grisha. Instead of the laughter +and amusement which I had expected on entering the store-room, I +felt my heart beating and overcome. + +Grisha continued for some time in this state of religious ecstasy +as he improvised prayers and repeated again and yet again, "Lord,
+have mercy upon me!" Each time that he said, "Pardon me, +Lord, and teach me to do what Thou wouldst have done," he +pronounced the words with added earnestness and emphasis, as +though he expected an immediate answer to his petition, and then +fell to sobbing and moaning once more. Finally, he went down on +his knees again, folded his arms upon his breast, and remained +silent. I ventured to put my head round the door (holding my +breath as I did so), but Grisha still made no movement except for +the heavy sighs which heaved his breast. In the moonlight I could +see a tear glistening on the white patch of his blind eye. + +"Yes, Thy will be done!" he exclaimed suddenly, with an +expression which I cannot describe, as, prostrating himself with +his forehead on the floor, he fell to sobbing like a child. + +Much sand has run out since then, many recollections of the past +have faded from my memory or become blurred in indistinct +visions, and poor Grisha himself has long since reached the end +of his pilgrimage; but the impression which he produced upon me, +and the feelings which he aroused in my breast, will never leave +my mind. O truly Christian Grisha, your faith was so strong that +you could feel the actual presence of God; your love so great +that the words fell of themselves from your lips. You had no +reason to prove them, for you did so with your earnest praises of +His majesty as you fell to the ground speechless and in tears! + +Nevertheless the sense of awe with which I had listened to Grisha +could not last for ever. I had now satisfied my curiosity, and, +being cramped with sitting in one position so long, desired to +join in the tittering and fun which I could hear going on in the +dark store-room behind me. Some one took my hand and whispered,
+"Whose hand is this?" Despite the darkness, I knew by the touch +and the low voice in my ear that it was Katenka. I took her by +the arm, but she withdrew it, and, in doing so, pushed a cane +chair which was standing near. Grisha lifted his head looked +quietly about him, and, muttering a prayer, rose and made the +sign of the cross towards each of the four corners of the room. + +XIII + +NATALIA SAVISHNA + +In days gone by there used to run about the seignorial courtyard +of the country-house at Chabarovska a girl called Natashka. She +always wore a cotton dress, went barefooted, and was rosy, plump, +and gay. It was at the request and entreaties of her father, the +clarionet player Savi, that my grandfather had "taken her +upstairs"--that is to say, made her one of his wife's female +servants. As chamber-maid, Natashka so distinguished herself by +her zeal and amiable temper that when Mamma arrived as a baby and +required a nurse Natashka was honoured with the charge of her. In +this new office the girl earned still further praises and rewards +for her activity, trustworthiness, and devotion to her young +mistress. Soon, however, the powdered head and buckled shoes of +the young and active footman Foka (who had frequent opportunities +of courting her, since they were in the same service) captivated +her unsophisticated, but loving, heart. At last she ventured to +go and ask my grandfather if she might marry Foka, but her master +took the request in bad part, flew into a passion, and punished +poor Natashka by exiling her to a farm which he owned in a remote +quarter of the Steppes. At length, when she had been gone six +months and nobody could be found to replace her, she was recalled +to her former duties. Returned, and with her dress in rags, she +fell at Grandpapa's feet, and besought him to restore her his +favour and kindness, and to forget the folly of which she had +been guilty--folly which, she assured him, should never recur +again. And she kept her word. + +From that time forth she called herself, not Natashka, but +Natalia Savishna, and took to wearing a cap, All the love in her +heart was now bestowed upon her young charge. When Mamma had a +governess appointed for her education, Natalia was awarded the +keys as housekeeper, and henceforth had the linen and provisions +under her care. These new duties she fulfilled with equal +fidelity and zeal. She lived only for her master's advantage. +Everything in which she could detect fraud, extravagance, or +waste she endeavoured to remedy to the best of her power. When +Mamma married and wished in some way to reward Natalia Savishna +for her twenty years of care and labour, she sent for her and, +voicing in the tenderest terms her attachment and love, presented +her with a stamped charter of her (Natalia's) freedom, [It will +be remembered that this was in the days of serfdom] telling her +at the same time that, whether she continued to serve in the +household or not, she should always receive an annual pension Of +300 roubles. Natalia listened in silence to this. Then, taking +the document in her hands and regarding it with a frown, she +muttered something between her teeth, and darted from the room, +slamming the door behind her. Not understanding the reason for +such strange conduct, Mamma followed her presently to her room, +and found her sitting with streaming eyes on her trunk, crushing +her pocket-handkerchief between her fingers, and looking +mournfully at the remains of the document, which was lying torn to +pieces on the floor. + +"What is the matter, dear Natalia Savishna?" said Mamma, taking +her hand. + +"Nothing, ma'am," she replied; "only--only I must have +displeased you somehow, since you wish to dismiss me from the +house. Well, I will go." + +She withdrew her hand and, with difficulty restraining her tears, +rose to leave the room, but Mamma stopped her, and they wept a +while in one another's arms. + +Ever since I can remember anything I can remember Natalia +Savishna and her love and tenderness; yet only now have I learnt +to appreciate them at their full value. In early days it never +occurred to me to think what a rare and wonderful being this old +domestic was. Not only did she never talk, but she seemed never +even to think, of herself. Her whole life was compounded of love +and self-sacrifice. Yet so used was I to her affection and +singleness of heart that I could not picture things otherwise. I +never thought of thanking her, or of asking myself, "Is she also +happy? Is she also contented?" Often on some pretext or another +I would leave my lessons and run to her room, where, sitting +down, I would begin to muse aloud as though she were not there. +She was forever mending something, or tidying the shelves which +lined her room, or marking linen, so that she took no heed of the +nonsense which I talked--how that I meant to become a general, to +marry a beautiful woman, to buy a chestnut horse, to, build +myself a house of glass, to invite Karl Ivanitch's relatives to +come and visit me from Saxony, and so forth; to all of which she +would only reply, "Yes, my love, yes." Then, on my rising, and +preparing to go, she would open a blue trunk which had pasted on +the inside of its lid a coloured picture of a hussar which had +once adorned a pomade bottle and a sketch made by Woloda, and +take from it a fumigation pastille, which she would light and +shake for my benefit, saying: + +"These, dear, are the pastilles which your grandfather (now in +Heaven) brought back from Otchakov after fighting against the +Turks." Then she would add with a sigh: "But this is nearly the +last one." + +The trunks which filled her room seemed to contain almost +everything in the world. Whenever anything was wanted, people +said, "Oh, go and ask Natalia Savishna for it," and, sure +enough, it was seldom that she did not produce the object +required and say, "See what comes of taking care of everything!" +Her trunks contained thousands of things which nobody in the +house but herself would have thought of preserving. + +Once I lost my temper with her. This was how it happened. + +One day after luncheon I poured myself out a glass of kvass, and +then dropped the decanter, and so stained the tablecloth. + +"Go and call Natalia, that she may come and see what her darling +has done," said Mamma. + +Natalia arrived, and shook her head at me when she saw the damage +I had done; but Mamma whispered something in her car, threw a +look at myself, and then left the room. + +I was just skipping away, in the sprightliest mood possible, when +Natalia darted out upon me from behind the door with the +tablecloth in her hand, and, catching hold of me, rubbed my +face hard with the stained part of it, repeating, "Don't thou go +and spoil tablecloths any more!" + +I struggled hard, and roared with temper. + +"What?" I said to myself as I fled to the drawing-room in a +mist of tears, "To think that Natalia Savishna-just plain +Natalia-should say 'THOU' to me and rub my face with a wet +tablecloth as though I were a mere servant-boy! It is +abominable!" + +Seeing my fury, Natalia departed, while I continued to strut +about and plan how to punish the bold woman for her offence. Yet +not more than a few moments had passed when Natalia returned and, +stealing to my side, began to comfort me, + +"Hush, then, my love. Do not cry. Forgive me my rudeness. It was +wrong of me. You WILL pardon me, my darling, will you not? There, +there, that's a dear," and she took from her handkerchief a +cornet of pink paper containing two little cakes and a grape, and +offered it me with a trembling hand. I could not look the kind +old woman in the face, but, turning aside, took the paper, while +my tears flowed the faster--though from love and shame now, not +from anger. + +XIV + +THE PARTING + +ON the day after the events described, the carriage and the +luggage-cart drew up to the door at noon. Nicola, dressed for the +journey, with his breeches tucked into his boots and an old +overcoat belted tightly about him with a girdle, got into the +cart and arranged cloaks and cushions on the seats. When he +thought that they were piled high enough he sat down on them, but +finding them still unsatisfactory, jumped up and arranged them +once more. + +"Nicola Dimitvitch, would you be so good as to take master's +dressing-case with you? " said Papa's valet, suddenly standing up +in the carriage, " It won't take up much room." + +"You should have told me before, Michael Ivanitch," answered +Nicola snappishly as he hurled a bundle with all his might to the +floor of the cart. "Good gracious! Why, when my head is going +round like a whirlpool, there you come along with your dressing- +case!" and he lifted his cap to wipe away the drops of +perspiration from his sunburnt brow. + +The courtyard was full of bareheaded peasants in kaftans or +simple shirts, women clad in the national dress and wearing +striped handkerchiefs, and barefooted little ones--the latter +holding their mothers' hands or crowding round the entrance- +steps. All were chattering among themselves as they stared at the +carriage. One of the postillions, an old man dressed in a winter +cap and cloak, took hold of the pole of the carriage and tried it +carefully, while the other postillion (a young man in a white +blouse with pink gussets on the sleeves and a black lamb's-wool +cap which he kept cocking first on one side and then on the other +as he arranged his flaxen hair) laid his overcoat upon the box, +slung the reins over it, and cracked his thonged whip as he +looked now at his boots and now at the other drivers where they +stood greasing the wheels of the cart--one driver lifting up each +wheel in turn and the other driver applying the grease. Tired +post-horses of various hues stood lashing away flies with their +tails near the gate--some stamping their great hairy legs, +blinking their eyes, and dozing, some leaning wearily against +their neighbours, and others cropping the leaves and stalks of +dark-green fern which grew near the entrance-steps. Some of the +dogs were lying panting in the sun, while others were slinking +under the vehicles to lick the grease from the wheels. The air +was filled with a sort of dusty mist, and the horizon was lilac- +grey in colour, though no clouds were to be seen, A strong wind +from the south was raising volumes of dust from the roads and +fields, shaking the poplars and birch-trees in the garden, and +whirling their yellow leaves away. I myself was sitting at a +window and waiting impatiently for these various preparations to +come to an end. + +As we sat together by the drawing-room table, to pass the last +few moments en famille, it never occurred to me that a sad moment +was impending. On the contrary, the most trivial thoughts were +filling my brain. Which driver was going to drive the carriage +and which the cart? Which of us would sit with Papa, and which +with Karl Ivanitch? Why must I be kept forever muffled up in a +scarf and padded boots? + +"Am I so delicate? Am I likely to be frozen?" I thought to +myself. "I wish it would all come to an end, and we could take +our seats and start." + +"To whom shall I give the list of the children's linen?" asked +Natalia Savishna of Mamma as she entered the room with a paper in +her hand and her eyes red with weeping. + +"Give it to Nicola, and then return to say good-bye to them," +replied Mamma. The old woman seemed about to say something more, +but suddenly stopped short, covered her face with her +handkerchief, and left the room. Something seemed to prick at my +heart when I saw that gesture of hers, but impatience to be off +soon drowned all other feeling, and I continued to listen +indifferently to Papa and Mamma as they talked together. They +were discussing subjects which evidently interested neither of +them. What must be bought for the house? What would Princess +Sophia or Madame Julie say? Would the roads be good?--and so +forth. + +Foka entered, and in the same tone and with the same air as +though he were announcing luncheon said, "The carriages are +ready." I saw Mamma tremble and turn pale at the announcement, +just as though it were something unexpected. + +Next, Foka was ordered to shut all the doors of the room. This +amused me highly. As though we needed to be concealed from some +one! When every one else was seated, Foka took the last remaining +chair. Scarcely, however, had he done so when the door creaked +and every one looked that way. Natalia Savishna entered hastily, +and, without raising her eyes, sat own on the same chair as +Foka. I can see them before me now-Foka's bald head and wrinkled, +set face, and, beside him, a bent, kind figure in a cap from +beneath which a few grey hairs were straggling. The pair settled +themselves together on the chair, but neither of them looked +comfortable. + +I continued preoccupied and impatient. In fact, the ten minutes +during which we sat there with closed doors seemed to me an hour. +At last every one rose, made the sign of the cross, and began to +say good-bye. Papa embraced Mamma, and kissed her again and +again. + +"But enough," he said presently. "We are not parting for ever." + +"No, but it is-so-so sad! " replied Mamma, her voice trembling +with emotion. + +When I heard that faltering voice, and saw those quivering lips +and tear-filled eyes, I forgot everything else in the world. I +felt so ill and miserable that I would gladly have run away +rather than bid her farewell. I felt, too, that when she was +embracing Papa she was embracing us all. She clasped Woloda to +her several times, and made the sign of the cross over him; after +which I approached her, thinking that it was my turn. +Nevertheless she took him again and again to her heart, and +blessed him. Finally I caught hold of her, and, clinging to her, +wept--wept, thinking of nothing in the world but my grief. + +As we passed out to take our seats, other servants pressed round +us in the hall to say good-bye. Yet their requests to shake hands +with us, their resounding kisses on our shoulders, [The fashion +in which inferiors salute their superiors in Russia.] and the +odour of their greasy heads only excited in me a feeling akin to +impatience with these tiresome people. The same feeling made me +bestow nothing more than a very cross kiss upon Natalia's cap +when she approached to take leave of me. It is strange that I +should still retain a perfect recollection of these servants' +faces, and be able to draw them with the most minute accuracy in +my mind, while Mamma's face and attitude escape me entirely. It +may be that it is because at that moment I had not the heart to +look at her closely. I felt that if I did so our mutual grief +would burst forth too unrestrainedly. + +I was the first to jump into the carriage and to take one of the +hinder seats. The high back of the carriage prevented me from +actually seeing her, yet I knew by instinct that Mamma was still +there. + +"Shall I look at her again or not?" I said to myself. "Well, +just for the last time," and I peeped out towards the entrance- +steps. Exactly at that moment Mamma moved by the same impulse, +came to the opposite side of the carriage, and called me by name. +Rearing her voice behind me. I turned round, but so hastily that +our heads knocked together. She gave a sad smile, and kissed me +convulsively for the last time. + +When we had driven away a few paces I determined to look at her +once more. The wind was lifting the blue handkerchief from her +head as, bent forward and her face buried in her hands, she moved +slowly up the steps. Foka was supporting her. Papa said nothing +as he sat beside me. I felt breathless with tears--felt a sensation +in my throat as though I were going to choke, just as we came out +on to the open road I saw a white handkerchief waving from the +terrace. I waved mine in return, and the action of so doing +calmed me a little. I still went on crying. but the thought that +my tears were a proof of my affection helped to soothe and +comfort me. + +After a little while I began to recover, and to look with +interest at objects which we passed and at the hind-quarters of +the led horse which was trotting on my side. I watched how it +would swish its tail, how it would lift one hoof after the other, +how the driver's thong would fall upon its back, and how all its +legs would then seem to jump together and the back-band, with the +rings on it, to jump too--the whole covered with the horse's foam. +Then I would look at the rolling stretches of ripe corn, at the +dark ploughed fields where ploughs and peasants and horses with +foals were working, at their footprints, and at the box of the +carriage to see who was driving us; until, though my face was +still wet with tears, my thoughts had strayed far from her with +whom I had just parted--parted, perhaps, for ever. Yet ever and +again something would recall her to my memory. I remembered too +how, the evening before, I had found a mushroom under the birch- +trees, how Lubotshka had quarrelled with Katenka as to whose it +should be, and how they had both of them wept when taking leave +of us. I felt sorry to be parted from them, and from Natalia +Savishna, and from the birch-tree avenue, and from Foka. Yes, +even the horrid Mimi I longed for. I longed for everything at +home. And poor Mamma!--The tears rushed to my eyes again. Yet even +this mood passed away before long. + +XV + +CHILDHOOD + +HAPPY, happy, never-returning time of childhood! How can we help +loving and dwelling upon its recollections? They cheer and +elevate the soul, and become to one a source of higher +joys. + +Sometimes, when dreaming of bygone days, I fancy that, tired out +with running about, I have sat down, as of old, in my high arm- +chair by the tea-table. It is late, and I have long since drunk +my cup of milk. My eyes are heavy with sleep as I sit there and +listen. How could I not listen, seeing that Mamma is speaking to +somebody, and that the sound of her voice is so melodious and +kind? How much its echoes recall to my heart! With my eyes veiled +with drowsiness I gaze at her wistfully. Suddenly she seems to +grow smaller and smaller, and her face vanishes to a point; yet I +can still see it--can still see her as she looks at me and smiles. +Somehow it pleases me to see her grown so small. I blink and +blink, yet she looks no larger than a boy reflected in the pupil +of an eye. Then I rouse myself, and the picture fades. Once more +I half-close my eyes, and cast about to try and recall the dream, +but it has gone, + +I rise to my feet, only to fall back comfortably into the +armchair. + +"There! You are failing asleep again, little Nicolas," says +Mamma. "You had better go to by-by." + +"No, I won't go to sleep, Mamma," I reply, though almost +inaudibly, for pleasant dreams are filling all my soul. The sound +sleep of childhood is weighing my eyelids down, and for a few +moments I sink into slumber and oblivion until awakened by some +one. I feel in my sleep as though a soft hand were caressing me. +I know it by the touch, and, though still dreaming, I seize hold +of it and press it to my lips. Every one else has gone to bed, +and only one candle remains burning in the drawing-room. Mamma +has said that she herself will wake me. She sits down on the arm +of the chair in which I am asleep, with her soft hand stroking my +hair, and I hear her beloved, well-known voice say in my ear: + +"Get up, my darling. It is time to go by-by." + +No envious gaze sees her now. She is not afraid to shed upon me +the whole of her tenderness and love. I do not wake up, yet I +kiss and kiss her hand. + +"Get up, then, my angel." + +She passes her other arm round my neck, and her fingers tickle me +as they move across it. The room is quiet and in half-darkness, +but the tickling has touched my nerves and I begin to awake. +Mamma is sitting near me--that I can tell--and touching me; I can +hear her voice and feel her presence. This at last rouses me to +spring up, to throw my arms around her neck, to hide my head in +her bosom, and to say with a sigh: + +"Ah, dear, darling Mamma, how much I love you!" + +She smiles her sad, enchanting smile, takes my head between her +two hands, kisses me on the forehead, and lifts me on to her lap. + +"Do you love me so much, then?" she says. Then, after a few +moments' silence, she continues: "And you must love me always, +and never forget me. If your Mamma should no longer be here, will +you promise never to forget her--never, Nicolinka? and she kisses +me more fondly than ever. + +"Oh, but you must not speak so, darling Mamma, my own darling +Mamma!" I exclaim as I clasp her knees, and tears of joy and +love fall from my eyes. + +How, after scenes like this, I would go upstairs, and stand +before the ikons, and say with a rapturous feeling, "God bless +Papa and Mamma!" and repeat a prayer for my beloved mother which +my childish lips had learnt to lisp-the love of God and of her +blending strangely in a single emotion! + +After saying my prayers I would wrap myself up in the bedclothes. +My heart would feel light, peaceful, and happy, and one dream +would follow another. Dreams of what? They were all of them +vague, but all of them full of pure love and of a sort of +expectation of happiness. I remember, too, that I used to think +about Karl Ivanitch and his sad lot. He was the only unhappy +being whom I knew, and so sorry would I feel for him, and so much +did I love him, that tears would fall from my eyes as I thought, +"May God give him happiness, and enable me to help him and to +lessen his sorrow. I could make any sacrifice for him!" Usually, +also, there would be some favourite toy--a china dog or hare-- +stuck into the bed-corner behind the pillow, and it would please +me to think how warm and comfortable and well cared-for it was +there. Also, I would pray God to make every one happy, so that +every one might be contented, and also to send fine weather to- +morrow for our walk. Then I would turn myself over on to the +other side, and thoughts and dreams would become jumbled and +entangled together until at last I slept soundly and peacefully, +though with a face wet with tears. + +Do in after life the freshness and light-heartedness, the craving +for love and for strength of faith, ever return which we +experience in our childhood's years? What better time is there in +our lives than when the two best of virtues--innocent gaiety and a +boundless yearning for affection--are our sole objects of pursuit? + +Where now are our ardent prayers? Where now are our best gifts-- +the pure tears of emotion which a guardian angel dries with a +smile as he sheds upon us lovely dreams of ineffable childish +joy? Can it be that life has left such heavy traces upon one's +heart that those tears and ecstasies are for ever vanished? Can +it be that there remains to us only the recollection of them? + +XVI + +VERSE-MAKING + +RATHER less than a month after our arrival in Moscow I was +sitting upstairs in my Grandmamma's house and doing some writing +at a large table. Opposite to me sat the drawing master, who was +giving a few finishing touches to the head of a turbaned Turk, +executed in black pencil. Woloda, with out-stretched neck, was +standing behind the drawing master and looking over his shoulder. +The head was Woloda's first production in pencil and to-day-- +Grandmamma's name-day--the masterpiece was to be presented to her. + +"Aren't you going to put a little more shadow there? " said +Woloda to the master as he raised himself on tiptoe and pointed +to the Turk's neck. + +"No, it is not necessary," the master replied as he put pencil +and drawing-pen into a japanned folding box. "It is just right +now, and you need not do anything more to it. As for you, +Nicolinka " he added, rising and glancing askew at the Turk,
+"won't you tell us your great secret at last? What are you going +to give your Grandmamma? I think another head would be your best +gift. But good-bye, gentlemen," and taking his hat and cardboard +he departed. + +I too had thought that another head than the one at which I had +been working would be a better gift; so, when we were told that +Grandmamma's name-day was soon to come round and that we must +each of us have a present ready for her, I had taken it into my +head to write some verses in honour of the occasion, and had +forthwith composed two rhymed couplets, hoping that the rest +would soon materialise. I really do not know how the idea--one so +peculiar for a child--came to occur to me, but I know that I liked +it vastly, and answered all questions on the subject of my gift +by declaring that I should soon have something ready for +Grandmamma, but was not going to say what it was. + +Contrary to my expectation, I found that, after the first two +couplets executed in the initial heat of enthusiasm, even my most +strenuous efforts refused to produce another one. I began to read +different poems in our books, but neither Dimitrieff nor +Derzhavin could help me. On the contrary, they only confirmed my +sense of incompetence. Knowing, however, that Karl Ivanitch was +fond of writing verses, I stole softly upstairs to burrow among +his papers, and found, among a number of German verses, some in +the Russian language which seemed to have come from his own pen. + +To L + +Remember near +Remember far, +Remember me. +To-day be faithful, and for ever-- +Aye, still beyond the grave--remember +That I have well loved thee. + +"KARL MAYER." + +These verses (which were written in a fine, round hand on thin +letter-paper) pleased me with the touching sentiment with which +they seemed to be inspired. I learnt them by heart, and decided +to take them as a model. The thing was much easier now. By the +time the name-day had arrived I had completed a twelve-couplet +congratulatory ode, and sat down to the table in our school-room +to copy them out on vellum. + +Two sheets were soon spoiled--not because I found it necessary to +alter anything (the verses seemed to me perfect), but because, +after the third line, the tail-end of each successive one would +go curving upward and making it plain to all the world that the +whole thing had been written with a want of adherence to the +horizontal--a thing which I could not bear to see. + +The third sheet also came out crooked, but I determined to make +it do. In my verses I congratulated Grandmamma, wished her many +happy returns, and concluded thus: + +Endeavouring you to please and cheer, +We love you like our Mother dear." + +This seemed to me not bad, yet it offended my car somehow. + +"Lo-ve you li-ike our Mo-ther dear," I repeated to myself. "What +other rhyme could I use instead of 'dear'? Fear? Steer? Well, it +must go at that. At least the verses are better than Karl +Ivanitch's." + +Accordingly I added the last verse to the rest. Then I went into +our bedroom and recited the whole poem aloud with much feeling +and gesticulation. The verses were altogether guiltless of metre, +but I did not stop to consider that. Yet the last one displeased +me more than ever. As I sat on my bed I thought: + +"Why on earth did I write 'like our Mother dear'? She is not +here, and therefore she need never have been mentioned. True, I +love and respect Grandmamma, but she is not quite the same as-- +Why DID I write that? What did I go and tell a lie for? They may +be verses only, yet I needn't quite have done that." + +At that moment the tailor arrived with some new clothes for us. + +"Well, so be it!" I said in much vexation as I crammed the +verses hastily under my pillow and ran down to adorn myself in +the new Moscow garments. + +They fitted marvellously-both the brown jacket with yellow +buttons (a garment made skin-tight and not "to allow room for +growth," as in the country) and the black trousers (also close- +fitting so that they displayed the figure and lay smoothly over +the boots). + +"At last I have real trousers on!" I thought as I looked at my +legs with the utmost satisfaction. I concealed from every one the +fact that the new clothes were horribly tight and uncomfortable, +but, on the contrary, said that, if there were a fault, it was +that they were not tight enough. For a long while I stood before +the looking-glass as I combed my elaborately pomaded head, but, +try as I would, I could not reduce the topmost hairs on the crown +to order. As soon as ever I left off combing them, they sprang up +again and radiated in different directions, thus giving my face +a ridiculous expression. + +Karl Ivanitch was dressing in another room, and I heard some one +bring him his blue frockcoat and under-linen. Then at the door +leading downstairs I heard a maid-servant's voice, and went to +see what she wanted. In her hand she held a well-starched shirt +which she said she had been sitting up all night to get ready. I +took it, and asked if Grandmamma was up yet. + +"Oh yes, she has had her coffee, and the priest has come. My +word, but you look a fine little fellow! " added the girl with a +smile at my new clothes. + +This observation made me blush, so I whirled round on one leg, +snapped my fingers, and went skipping away, in the hope that by +these manoeuvres I should make her sensible that even yet she had +not realised quite what a fine fellow I was. + +However, when I took the shirt to Karl I found that he did not +need it, having taken another one. Standing before a small +looking-glass, he tied his cravat with both hands--trying, by +various motions of his head, to see whether it fitted him +comfortably or not--and then took us down to see Grandmamma. To +this day I cannot help laughing when I remember what a smell of +pomade the three of us left behind us on the staircase as we +descended. + +Karl was carrying a box which he had made himself, Woloda, his +drawing, and I my verses, while each of us also had a form of +words ready with which to present his gift. Just as Karl opened +the door, the priest put on his vestment and began to say +prayers. + +During the ceremony Grandmamma stood leaning over the back of a +chair, with her head bent down. Near her stood Papa. He turned +and smiled at us as we hurriedly thrust our presents behind our +backs and tried to remain unobserved by the door. The whole +effect of a surprise, upon which we had been counting, was +entirely lost. When at last every one had made the sign of the +cross I became intolerably oppressed with a sudden, invincible, +and deadly attack of shyness, so that the courage to, offer my +present completely failed me. I hid myself behind Karl Ivanitch, +who solemnly congratulated Grandmamma and, transferring his box +from his right hand to his left, presented it to her. Then he +withdrew a few steps to make way for Woloda. Grandmamma seemed +highly pleased with the box (which was adorned with a gold +border), and smiled in the most friendly manner in order to +express her gratitude. Yet it was evident that, she did not know +where to set the box down, and this probably accounts for the +fact that she handed it to Papa, at the same time bidding him +observe how beautifully it was made. + +His curiosity satisfied, Papa handed the box to the priest, who +also seemed particularly delighted with it, and looked with +astonishment, first at the article itself, and then at the artist +who could make such wonderful things. Then Woloda presented his +Turk, and received a similarly flattering ovation on all sides. + +It was my turn now, and Grandmamma turned to me with her kindest +smile. Those who have experienced what embarrassment is know that +it is a feeling which grows in direct proportion to delay, while +decision decreases in similar measure. In other words the longer +the condition lasts, the more invincible does it become, and the +smaller does the power of decision come to be. + +My last remnants of nerve and energy had forsaken me while Karl +and Woloda had been offering their presents, and my shyness now +reached its culminating point, I felt the blood rushing from my +heart to my head, one blush succeeding another across my face, +and drops of perspiration beginning to stand out on my brow and +nose. My ears were burning, I trembled from head to foot, and, +though I kept changing from one foot to the other, I remained +rooted where I stood. + +"Well, Nicolinka, tell us what you have brought?" said Papa.
+"Is it a box or a drawing? " + +There was nothing else to be done. With a trembling hand held out +the folded, fatal paper, but my voiced failed me completely and I +stood before Grandmamma in silence. I could not get rid of the +dreadful idea that, instead of a display of the expected drawing, +some bad verses of mine were about to be read aloud before every +one, and that the words "our Mother dear " would clearly prove +that I had never loved, but had only forgotten, her. How shall I +express my sufferings when Grandmamma began to read my poetry +aloud?--when, unable to decipher it, she stopped half-way and +looked at Papa with a smile (which I took to be one of +ridicule)?--when she did not pronounce it as I had meant it to be +pronounced?--and when her weak sight not allowing her to finish +it, she handed the paper to Papa and requested him to read it all +over again from the beginning? I fancied that she must have done +this last because she did not like to read such a lot of stupid, +crookedly written stuff herself, yet wanted to point out to Papa +my utter lack of feeling. I expected him to slap me in the face +with the verses and say, "You bad boy! So you have forgotten +your Mamma! Take that for it!" Yet nothing of the sort happened. +On the contrary, when the whole had been read, Grandmamma said, +"Charming!" and kissed me on the forehead. Then our presents, +together with two cambric pocket-handkerchiefs and a snuff-box +engraved with Mamma's portrait, were laid on the table +attached to the great Voltairian arm-chair in which Grandmamma +always sat. + +"The Princess Barbara Ilinitsha!" announced one of the two +footmen who used to stand behind Grandmamma's carriage, but +Grandmamma was looking thoughtfully at the portrait on the snuff- +box, and returned no answer. + +"Shall I show her in, madam?" repeated the footman. + +XVII + +THE PRINCESS KORNAKOFF + +"Yes, show her in," said Grandmamma, settling herself as far back +in her arm-chair as possible. The Princess was a woman of about +forty-five, small and delicate, with a shrivelled skin and +disagreeable, greyish-green eyes, the expression of which +contradicted the unnaturally suave look of the rest of her face. +Underneath her velvet bonnet, adorned with an ostrich feather, +was visible some reddish hair, while against the unhealthy colour +of her skin her eyebrows and eyelashes looked even lighter and +redder that they would other wise have done. Yet, for all that, +her animated movements, small hands, and peculiarly dry features +communicated something aristocratic and energetic to her general +appearance. She talked a great deal, and, to judge from her +eloquence, belonged to that class of persons who always speak as +though some one were contradicting them, even though no one else +may be saying a word. First she would raise her voice, then lower +it and then take on a fresh access of vivacity as she looked at +the persons present, but not participating in the conversation, +with an air of endeavouring to draw them into it. + +Although the Princess kissed Grandmamma's hand and repeatedly +called her "my good Aunt," I could see that Grandmamma did not +care much about her, for she kept raising her eyebrows in a +peculiar way while listening to the Princess's excuses why +Prince Michael had been prevented from calling, and +congratulating Grandmamma "as he would like so-much to have +done." At length, however, she answered the Princess's French +with Russian, and with a sharp accentuation of certain words. + +"I am much obliged to you for your kindness," she said. "As for +Prince Michael's absence, pray do not mention it. He has so much +else to do. Besides, what pleasure could he find in coming to see +an old woman like me?" Then, without allowing the Princess time +to reply, she went on: "How are your children my dear?" + +"Well, thank God, Aunt, they grow and do their lessons and play-- +particularly my eldest one, Etienne, who is so wild that it is +almost impossible to keep him in order. Still, he is a clever and +promising boy. Would you believe it, cousin" this last to Papa, +since Grandmamma altogether uninterested in the Princess's +children, had turned to us, taken my verses out from beneath the +presentation box, and unfolded them again), "would you believe +it, but one day not long ago--" and leaning over towards Papa, the +Princess related something or other with great vivacity. Then, +her tale concluded, she laughed, and, with a questioning look at +Papa, went on: + +"What a boy, cousin! He ought to have been whipped, but the +trick was so spirited and amusing that I let him off." Then the +Princess looked at Grandmamma and laughed again. + +"Ah! So you WHIP your children, do you" said Grandmamma, with a +significant lift of her eyebrows, and laying a peculiar stress on +the word "WHIP." + +"Alas, my good Aunt," replied the Princess in a sort of tolerant +tone and with another glance at Papa, "I know your views on the +subject, but must beg to be allowed to differ with them. However +much I have thought over and read and talked about the matter, I +have always been forced to come to the conclusion that children +must be ruled through FEAR. To make something of a child, you +must make it FEAR something. Is it not so, cousin? And what, +pray, do children fear so much as a rod?" + +As she spoke she seemed, to look inquiringly at Woloda and +myself, and I confess that I did not feel altogether comfortable. + +"Whatever you may say," she went on, "a boy of twelve, or even +of fourteen, is still a child and should be whipped as such; but +with girls, perhaps, it is another matter." + +"How lucky it is that I am not her son!" I thought to myself. + +"Oh, very well," said Grandmamma, folding up my verses and +replacing them beneath the box (as though, after that exposition +of views, the Princess was unworthy of the honour of listening to +such a production). "Very well, my dear," she repeated "But +please tell me how, in return, you can look for any delicate +sensibility from your children?" + +Evidently Grandmamma thought this argument unanswerable, for she +cut the subject short by adding: + +"However, it is a point on which people must follow their own +opinions." + +The Princess did not choose to reply, but smiled condescendingly, +and as though out of indulgence to the strange prejudices of a person +whom she only PRETENDED to revere. + +"Oh, by the way, pray introduce me to your young people," she +went on presently as she threw us another gracious smile. + +Thereupon we rose and stood looking at the Princess, without in +the least knowing what we ought to do to show that we were being +introduced. + +"Kiss the Princess's hand," said Papa. + +"Well, I hope you will love your old aunt," she said to Woloda, +kissing his hair, "even though we are not near relatives. But I +value friendship far more than I do degrees of relationship," she +added to Grandmamma, who nevertheless, remained hostile, and +replied: + +"Eh, my dear? Is that what they think of relationships nowadays?" + +"Here is my man of the world," put in Papa, indicating Woloda;
+"and here is my poet," he added as I kissed the small, dry hand of +the Princess, with a vivid picture in my mind of that same hand +holding a rod and applying it vigorously. + +"WHICH one is the poet?" asked the Princess. + +"This little one," replied Papa, smiling; "the one with the +tuft of hair on his top-knot." + +"Why need he bother about my tuft?" I thought to myself as I +retired into a corner. "Is there nothing else for him to talk +about?" + +I had strange ideas on manly beauty. I considered Karl Ivanitch +one of the handsomest men in the world, and myself so ugly that I +had no need to deceive myself on that point. Therefore any remark +on the subject of my exterior offended me extremely. I well +remember how, one day after luncheon (I was then six years of +age), the talk fell upon my personal appearance, and how Mamma +tried to find good features in my face, and said that I had +clever eyes and a charming smile; how, nevertheless, when Papa +had examined me, and proved the contrary, she was obliged to +confess that I was ugly; and how, when the meal was over and I +went to pay her my respects, she said as she patted my cheek;
+"You know, Nicolinka, nobody will ever love you for your face +alone, so you must try all the more to be a good and clever boy." + +Although these words of hers confirmed in me my conviction that I +was not handsome, they also confirmed in me an ambition to be +just such a boy as she had indicated. Yet I had my moments of +despair at my ugliness, for I thought that no human being with +such a large nose, such thick lips, and such small grey eyes as +mine could ever hope to attain happiness on this earth. I used to +ask God to perform a miracle by changing me into a beauty, and +would have given all that I possessed, or ever hoped to possess, +to have a handsome face, + +XVIII + +PRINCE IVAN IVANOVITCH + +When the Princess had heard my verses and overwhelmed the writer +of them with praise, Grandmamma softened to her a little. She +began to address her in French and to cease calling her "my +dear." Likewise she invited her to return that evening with her +children. This invitation having been accepted, the Princess took +her leave. After that, so many other callers came to congratulate +Grandmamma that the courtyard was crowded all day long with +carriages. + +"Good morning, my dear cousin," was the greeting of one guest in +particular as he entered the room and kissed Grandmamma's hand, +He was a man of seventy, with a stately figure clad in a +military uniform and adorned with large epaulettes, an +embroidered collar, and a white cross round the neck. His face, +with its quiet and open expression, as well as the simplicity and +ease of his manners, greatly pleased me, for, in spite of the +thin half-circle of hair which was all that was now left to him, +and the want of teeth disclosed by the set of his upper lip, his +face was a remarkably handsome one. + +Thanks to his fine character, handsome exterior, remarkable +valour, influential relatives, and, above all, good fortune, +Prince, Ivan Ivanovitch had early made himself a career. As that +career progressed, his ambition had met with a success which left +nothing more to be sought for in that direction. From his +earliest youth upward he had prepared himself to fill the exalted +station in the world to which fate actually called him later; +wherefore, although in his prosperous life (as in the lives of +all) there had been failures, misfortunes, and cares, he had +never lost his quietness of character, his elevated tone of +thought, or his peculiarly moral, religious bent of mind. +Consequently, though he had won the universal esteem of his +fellows, he had done so less through his important position than +through his perseverance and integrity. While not of specially +distinguished intellect, the eminence of his station (whence he +could afford to look down upon all petty questions) had caused +him to adopt high points of view. Though in reality he was kind +and sympathetic, in manner he appeared cold and haughty--probably +for the reason that he had forever to be on his guard against the +endless claims and petitions of people who wished to profit +through his influence. Yet even then his coldness was mitigated +by the polite condescension of a man well accustomed to move in +the highest circles of society. Well-educated, his culture was +that of a youth of the end of the last century. He had read +everything, whether philosophy or belles lettres, which that age +had produced in France, and loved to quote from Racine, +Corneille, Boileau, Moliere, Montaigne, and Fenelon. Likewise he +had gleaned much history from Segur, and much of the old classics +from French translations of them; but for mathematics, natural +philosophy, or contemporary literature he cared nothing whatever. +However, he knew how to be silent in conversation, as well as +when to make general remarks on authors whom he had never read-- +such as Goethe, Schiller, and Byron. Moreover, despite his +exclusively French education, he was simple in speech and hated +originality (which he called the mark of an untutored nature). +Wherever he lived, society was a necessity to him, and, both in +Moscow and the country he had his reception days, on which +practically "all the town" called upon him. An introduction +from him was a passport to every drawing-room; few young and +pretty ladies in society objected to offering him their rosy +cheeks for a paternal salute; and people even in the highest +positions felt flattered by invitations to his parties. + +The Prince had few friends left now like Grandmamma--that is to +say, few friends who were of the same standing as himself, who +had had the same sort of education, and who saw things from the +same point of view: wherefore he greatly valued his intimate, +long-standing friendship with her, and always showed her the +highest respect. + +I hardly dared to look at the Prince, since the honour paid him +on all sides, the huge epaulettes, the peculiar pleasure with +which Grandmamma received him, and the fact that he alone, seemed +in no way afraid of her, but addressed her with perfect freedom +(even being so daring as to call her "cousin"), awakened in me +a feeling of reverence for his person almost equal to that which +I felt for Grandmamma herself. + +On being shown my verses, he called me to his side, and said: + +"Who knows, my cousin, but that he may prove to be a second +Derzhavin?" Nevertheless he pinched my cheek so hard that I was +only prevented from crying by the thought that it must be meant +for a caress. + +Gradually the other guests dispersed, and with them Papa and +Woloda. Thus only Grandmamma, the Prince, and myself were left in +the drawing-room. + +"Why has our dear Natalia Nicolaevna not come to-day" asked the +Prince after a silence. + +"Ah, my friend," replied Grandmamma, lowering her voice and +laying a hand upon the sleeve of his uniform, "she would +certainly have come if she had been at liberty to do what she +likes. She wrote to me that Peter had proposed bringing her with +him to town, but that she had refused, since their income had not +been good this year, and she could see no real reason why the +whole family need come to Moscow, seeing that Lubotshka was as +yet very young and that the boys were living with me--a fact, she +said, which made her feel as safe about them as +though she had been living with them herself." + +"True, it is good for the boys to be here," went on Grandmamma, +yet in a tone which showed clearly that she did not think it was +so very good, "since it was more than time that they should be +sent to Moscow to study, as well as to learn how to comport +themselves in society. What sort of an education could they have +got in the country? The eldest boy will soon be thirteen, and the +second one eleven. As yet, my cousin, they are quite untaught, +and do not know even how to enter a room." + +"Nevertheless" said the Prince, "I cannot understand these +complaints of ruined fortunes. He has a very handsome income, and +Natalia has Chabarovska, where we used to act plays, and which I +know as well as I do my own hand. It is a splendid property, and +ought to bring in an excellent return." + +"Well," said Grandmamma with a sad expression on her face, "I do +not mind telling you, as my most intimate friend, that all this +seems to me a mere pretext on his part for living alone, for +strolling about from club to club, for attending dinner-parties, +and for resorting to--well, who knows what? She suspects nothing; +you know her angelic sweetness and her implicit trust of him in +everything. He had only to tell her that the children must go to +Moscow and that she must be left behind in the country with a +stupid governess for company, for her to believe him! I almost +think that if he were to say that the children must be whipped +just as the Princess Barbara whips hers, she would believe even +that!" and Grandmamma leant back in her arm-chair with an +expression of contempt. Then, after a moment of silence, during +which she took her handkerchief out of her pocket to wipe away a +few tears which had stolen down her cheeks, she went, on: + +"Yes, my friend, I often think that he cannot value and +understand her properly, and that, for all her goodness and love +of him and her endeavours to conceal her grief (which, however as +I know only too well, exists). She cannot really he happy with +him. Mark my words if he does not--" Here Grandmamma buried her +face in the handkerchief. + +"Ah, my dear old friend," said the Prince reproachfully. "I think +you are unreasonable. Why grieve and weep over imagined evils? +That is not right. I have known him a long time, and feel sure +that he is an attentive, kind, and excellent husband, as well as +(which is the chief thing of all) a perfectly honourable man." + +At this point, having been an involuntary auditor of a +conversation not meant for my ears, I stole on tiptoe out of the +room, in a state of great distress. + +XIX + +THE IWINS + +"Woloda, Woloda! The Iwins are just coming." I shouted on seeing +from the window three boys in blue overcoats, and followed by a +young tutor, advancing along the pavement opposite our house. + +The Iwins were related to us, and of about the same age as +ourselves. We had made their acquaintance soon after our arrival +in Moscow. The second brother, Seriosha, had dark curly hair, a +turned-up, strongly pronounced nose, very bright red lips (which, +never being quite shut, showed a row of white teeth), beautiful +dark-blue eyes, and an uncommonly bold expression of face. He +never smiled but was either wholly serious or laughing a clear, +merry, agreeable laugh. His striking good looks had captivated me +from the first, and I felt an irresistible attraction towards +him. Only to see him filled me with pleasure, and at one time my +whole mental faculties used to be concentrated in the wish that I +might do so. If three or four days passed without my seeing him I +felt listless and ready to cry. Awake or asleep, I was forever +dreaming of him. On going to bed I used to see him in my dreams, +and when I had shut my eyes and called up a picture of him I +hugged the vision as my choicest delight. So much store did I set +upon this feeling for my friend that I never mentioned it to any +one. Nevertheless, it must have annoyed him to see my admiring +eyes constantly fixed upon him, or else he must have felt no +reciprocal attraction, for he always preferred to play and talk +with Woloda. Still, even with that I felt satisfied, and wished +and asked for nothing better than to be ready at any time to make +any sacrifice for him. Likewise, over and above the strange +fascination which he exercised upon me, I always felt another +sensation, namely, a dread of making him angry, of offending him, +of displeasing him. Was this because his face bore such a haughty +expression, or because I, despising my own exterior, over-rated +the beautiful in others, or, lastly (and most probably), because +it is a common sign of affection? At all events, I felt as much +fear, of him as I did love. The first time that he spoke to me I +was so overwhelmed with sudden happiness that I turned pale, then +red, and could not utter a word. He had an ugly habit of blinking +when considering anything seriously, as well as of twitching his +nose and eyebrows. Consequently every one thought that this habit +marred his face. Yet I thought it such a nice one that I +involuntarily adopted it for myself, until, a few days after I +had made his acquaintance, Grandmamma suddenly asked me whether +my eyes were hurting me, since I was winking like an owl! Never a +word of affection passed between us, yet he felt his power over +me, and unconsciously but tyrannically, exercised it in all our +childish intercourse. I used to long to tell him all that was in +my heart, yet was too much afraid of him to be frank in any way, +and, while submitting myself to his will, tried to appear merely +careless and indifferent. Although at times his influence seemed +irksome and intolerable, to throw it off was beyond my strength. + +I often think with regret of that fresh, beautiful feeling of +boundless, disinterested love which came to an end without having +ever found self-expression or return. It is strange how, when a +child, I always longed to be like grown-up people, and yet how I +have often longed, since childhood's days, for those days to come +back to me! Many times, in my relations with Seriosha, this wish +to resemble grown-up people put a rude check upon the love that +was waiting to expand, and made me repress it. Not only was I +afraid of kissing him, or of taking his hand and saying how glad +I was to see him, but I even dreaded calling him "Seriosha" and +always said "Sergius" as every one else did in our house. Any +expression of affection would have seemed like evidence of +childishness, and any one who indulged in it, a baby. Not having +yet passed through those bitter experiences which enforce upon +older years circumspection and coldness, I deprived myself of the +pure delight of a fresh, childish instinct for the absurd purpose +of trying to resemble grown-up people. + +I met the Iwins in the ante-room, welcomed them, and then ran to +tell Grandmamma of their arrival with an expression as happy as +though she were certain to be equally delighted. Then, never +taking my eyes off Seriosha, I conducted the visitors to the +drawing-room, and eagerly followed every movement of my +favourite. When Grandmamma spoke to and fixed her penetrating +glance upon him, I experienced that mingled sensation of pride +and solicitude which an artist might feel when waiting for +revered lips to pronounce a judgment upon his work. + +With Grandmamma's permission, the Iwins' young tutor, Herr Frost, +accompanied us into the little back garden, where he seated +himself upon a bench, arranged his legs in a tasteful attitude, +rested his brass-knobbed cane between them, lighted a cigar, and +assumed the air of a man well-pleased with himself. He was a, +German, but of a very different sort to our good Karl Ivanitch. +In the first place, he spoke both Russian and French correctly, +though with a hard accent Indeed, he enjoyed--especially among the +ladies--the reputation of being a very accomplished fellow. In the +second place, he wore a reddish moustache, a large gold pin set +with a ruby, a black satin tie, and a very fashionable suit. +Lastly, he was young, with a handsome, self-satisfied face and +fine muscular legs. It was clear that he set the greatest store +upon the latter, and thought them beyond compare, especially as +regards the favour of the ladies. Consequently, whether sitting +or standing, he always tried to exhibit them in the most +favourable light. In short, he was a type of the young German- +Russian whose main desire is to be thought perfectly gallant and +gentlemanly. + +In the little garden merriment reigned. In fact, the game of
+"robbers" never went better. Yet an incident occurred which came +near to spoiling it. Seriosha was the robber, and in pouncing +upon some travellers he fell down and knocked his leg so badly +against a tree that I thought the leg must be broken. +Consequently, though I was the gendarme and therefore bound to +apprehend him, I only asked him anxiously, when I reached him, if +he had hurt himself very much. Nevertheless this threw him into a +passion, and made him exclaim with fists clenched and in a voice +which showed by its faltering what pain he was enduring, "Why, +whatever is the matter? Is this playing the game properly? You +ought to arrest me. Why on earth don't you do so?" This he +repeated several times, and then, seeing Woloda and the elder +Iwin (who were taking the part of the travellers) jumping and +running about the path, he suddenly threw himself upon them with +a shout and loud laughter to effect their capture. I cannot +express my wonder and delight at this valiant behaviour of my +hero. In spite of the severe pain, he had not only refrained from +crying, but had repressed the least symptom of suffering and kept +his eye fixed upon the game! Shortly after this occurrence +another boy, Ilinka Grap, joined our party. We went upstairs, and +Seriosha gave me an opportunity of still further appreciating and +taking delight in his manly bravery and fortitude. This was how +it was. + +Ilinka was the son of a poor foreigner who had been under certain +obligations to my Grandpapa, and now thought it incumbent upon +him to send his son to us as frequently as possible. Yet if he +thought that the acquaintance would procure his son any +advancement or pleasure, he was entirely mistaken, for not only +were we anything but friendly to Ilinka, but it was seldom that +we noticed him at all except to laugh at him. He was a boy of +thirteen, tall and thin, with a pale, birdlike face, and a quiet, +good-tempered expression. Though poorly dressed, he always had +his head so thickly pomaded that we used to declare that on warm +days it melted and ran down his neck. When I think of him now, it +seems to me that he was a very quiet, obliging, and good- +tempered boy, but at the time I thought him a creature so +contemptible that he was not worth either attention or pity. + +Upstairs we set ourselves to astonish each other with gymnastic +tours de force. Ilinka watched us with a faint smile of +admiration, but refused an invitation to attempt a similar feat, +saying that he had no strength. + +Seriosha was extremely captivating. His face and eyes glowed with +laughter as he surprised us with tricks which we had never seen +before. He jumped over three chairs put together, turned +somersaults right across the room, and finally stood on his head +on a pyramid of Tatistchev's dictionaries, moving his legs about +with such comical rapidity that it was impossible not to help +bursting with merriment. + +After this last trick he pondered for a moment (blinking his +eyes as usual), and then went up to Ilinka with a very serious +face. + +"Try and do that," he said. "It is not really difficult." + +Ilinka, observing that the general attention was fixed upon him, +blushed, and said in an almost inaudible voice that he could not +do the feat. + +"Well, what does he mean by doing nothing at all? What a girl +the fellow is! He has just GOT to stand on his head," and +Seriosha, took him by the hand. + +"Yes, on your head at once! This instant, this instant!" every +one shouted as we ran upon Ilinka and dragged him to the +dictionaries, despite his being visibly pale and frightened. + +"Leave me alone! You are tearing my jacket!" cried the unhappy +victim, but his exclamations of despair only encouraged us the +more. We were dying with laughter, while the green jacket was +bursting at every seam. + +Woloda and the eldest Iwin took his head and placed it on the +dictionaries, while Seriosha, and I seized his poor, thin legs +(his struggles had stripped them upwards to the knees), and with +boisterous, laughter held them uptight--the youngest Iwin +superintending his general equilibrium. + +Suddenly a moment of silence occurred amid our boisterous +laughter--a moment during which nothing was to be heard in the +room but the panting of the miserable Ilinka. It occurred to me +at that moment that, after all, there was nothing so very comical +and pleasant in all this. + +"Now, THAT'S a boy!" cried Seriosha, giving Ilinka a smack with +his hand. Ilinka said nothing, but made such desperate movements +with his legs to free himself that his foot suddenly kicked +Seriosha in the eye: with the result that, letting go of Ilinka's +leg and covering the wounded member with one hand, Seriosha hit +out at him with all his might with the other one. Of course +Ilinka's legs slipped down as, sinking exhausted to the floor and +half-suffocated with tears, he stammered out: + +"Why should you bully me so?" + +The poor fellow's miserable figure, with its streaming tears, +ruffled hair, and crumpled trousers revealing dirty boots, +touched us a little, and we stood silent and trying to smile, + +Seriosha was the first to recover himself. + +"What a girl! What a gaby!" he said, giving Ilinka a slight +kick. "He can't take things in fun a bit. Well, get up, then." + +"You are an utter beast! That's what YOU are!" said Ilinka, +turning miserably away and sobbing. + +"Oh, oh! Would it still kick and show temper, then?" cried +Seriosha, seizing a dictionary and throwing it at the unfortunate +boy's head. Apparently it never occurred to Ilinka to take refuge +from the missile; he merely guarded his head with his hands. + +"Well, that's enough now," added Seriosha, with a forced laugh. +"You DESERVE to be hurt if you can't take things in fun. Now +let's go downstairs." + +I could not help looking with some compassion at the miserable +creature on the floor as, his face buried in the dictionary, he +lay there sobbing almost as though he were in a fit. + +"Oh, Sergius!" I said. "Why have you done this?" + +"Well, you did it too! Besides, I did not cry this afternoon +when I knocked my leg and nearly broke it." + +"True enough," I thought. "Ilinka is a poor whining sort of a +chap, while Seriosha is a boy--a REAL boy." + +It never occurred to my mind that possibly poor Ilinka was +suffering far less from bodily pain than from the thought that +five companions for whom he may have felt a genuine liking had, +for no reason at all, combined to hurt and humiliate him. + +I cannot explain my cruelty on this occasion. Why did I not step +forward to comfort and protect him? Where was the pitifulness +which often made me burst into tears at the sight of a young bird +fallen from its nest, or of a puppy being thrown over a wall, or +of a chicken being killed by the cook for soup?
+ +Can it be that the better instinct in me was overshadowed by my +affection for Seriosha and the desire to shine before so brave a +boy? If so, how contemptible were both the affection and the +desire! They alone form dark spots on the pages of my youthful +recollections. + +XX + +PREPARATIONS FOR THE PARTY + +To judge from the extraordinary activity in the pantry, the +shining cleanliness which imparted such a new and festal guise +to certain articles in the salon and drawing-room which I had +long known as anything but resplendent, and the arrival of some +musicians whom Prince Ivan would certainly not have sent for +nothing, no small amount of company was to be expected that +evening. + +At the sound of every vehicle which chanced to pass the house I +ran to the window, leaned my head upon my arms, and peered with +impatient curiosity into the street. + +At last a carriage stopped at our door, and, in the full belief +that this must be the Iwins, who had promised to come early, I at +once ran downstairs to meet them in the hall. + +But, instead of the Iwins, I beheld from behind the figure of the +footman who opened the door two female figures-one tall and +wrapped in a blue cloak trimmed with marten, and the other one +short and wrapped in a green shawl from beneath which a pair of +little feet, stuck into fur boots, peeped forth. + +Without paying any attention to my presence in the hall (although +I thought it my duty, on the appearance of these persons to +salute them), the shorter one moved towards the taller, and stood +silently in front of her. Thereupon the tall lady untied the +shawl which enveloped the head of the little one, and unbuttoned +the cloak which hid her form; until, by the time that the footmen +had taken charge of these articles and removed the fur boots, +there stood forth from the amorphous chrysalis a charming girl of +twelve, dressed in a short muslin frock, white pantaloons, and +smart black satin shoes. Around her, white neck she wore a narrow +black velvet ribbon, while her head was covered with flaxen curls +which so perfectly suited her beautiful face in front and her +bare neck and shoulders behind that I, would have believed +nobody, not even Karl Ivanitch, if he, or she had told me that +they only hung so nicely because, ever since the morning, they +had been screwed up in fragments of a Moscow newspaper and then +warmed with a hot iron. To me it seemed as though she must have +been born with those curls. + +The most prominent feature in her face was a pair of unusually +large half-veiled eyes, which formed a strange, but pleasing, +contrast to the small mouth. Her lips were closed, while her eyes +looked so grave that the general expression of her face gave one +the impression that a smile was never to be looked for from her: +wherefore, when a smile did come, it was all the more pleasing. + +Trying to escape notice, I slipped through the door of the salon, +and then thought it necessary to be seen pacing to and fro, +seemingly engaged in thought, as though unconscious of the +arrival of guests. + +BY the time, however, that the ladies had advanced to the middle +of the salon I seemed suddenly to awake from my reverie and told +them that Grandmamma was in the drawing room, Madame Valakhin, +whose face pleased me extremely (especially since it bore a great +resemblance to her daughter's), stroked my head kindly. + +Grandmamma seemed delighted to see Sonetchka, She invited her to +come to her, put back a curl which had fallen over her brow, and +looking earnestly at her said, "What a charming child!" + +Sonetchka blushed, smiled, and, indeed, looked so charming that I +myself blushed as I looked at her. + +"I hope you are going to enjoy yourself here, my love," said +Grandmamma." Pray be as merry and dance as much as ever you can. +See, we have two beaux for her already," she added, turning to +Madame Valakhin, and stretching out her hand to me. + +This coupling of Sonetchka and myself pleased me so much that I +blushed again. + +Feeling, presently, that, my embarrassment was increasing, and +hearing the sound of carriages approaching, I thought it wise to +retire. In the hall I encountered the Princess Kornakoff, her +son, and an incredible number of daughters. They had all of them +the same face as their mother, and were very ugly. None of them +arrested my attention. They talked in shrill tones as they took +off their cloaks and boas, and laughed as they bustled about-- +probably at the fact that there were so many of them! + +Etienne was a boy of fifteen, tall and plump, with a sharp face, +deep-set bluish eyes, and very large hands and feet for his age. +Likewise he was awkward, and had a nervous, unpleasing voice. +Nevertheless he seemed very pleased with himself, and was, in my +opinion, a boy who could well bear being beaten with rods. + +For a long time we confronted one another without speaking as we +took stock of each other. When the flood of dresses had swept +past I made shift to begin a conversation by asking him whether +it had not been very close in the carriage. + +"I don't know," he answered indifferently. "I never ride inside +it, for it makes me feel sick directly, and Mamma knows that. +Whenever we are driving anywhere at night-time I always sit on +the box. I like that, for then one sees everything. Philip gives +me the reins, and sometimes the whip too, and then the people +inside get a regular--well, you know," he added with a significant +gesture "It's splendid then." + +"Master Etienne," said a footman, entering the hall, "Philip +wishes me to ask you where you put the whip." + +"Where I put it? Why, I gave it back to him." + +"But he says that you did not." + +"Well, I laid it across the carriage-lamps!" + +"No, sir, he says that you did not do that either. You had +better confess that you took it and lashed it to shreds. I +suppose poor Philip will have to make good your mischief out of +his own pocket." The footman (who looked a grave and honest man) +seemed much put out by the affair, and determined to sift it to +the bottom on Philip's behalf. + +Out of delicacy I pretended to notice nothing and turned aside, +but the other footmen present gathered round and looked +approvingly at the old servant. + +"Hm--well, I DID tear it in pieces," at length confessed Etienne, +shrinking from further explanations. "However, I will pay for +it. Did you ever hear anything so absurd?" he added to me as he +drew me towards the drawing-room. + +"But excuse me, sir; HOW are you going to pay for it? I know +your ways of paying. You have owed Maria Valericana twenty +copecks these eight months now, and you have owed me something +for two years, and Peter for--" + +"Hold your tongue, will you! " shouted the young fellow, pale +with rage "I shall report you for this." + +"Oh, you may do so," said the footman. "Yet it is not fair, +your highness," he added, with a peculiar stress on the title, as +he departed with the ladies' wraps to the cloak-room. We +ourselves entered the salon. + +"Quite right, footman," remarked someone approvingly from the +ball behind us. + +Grandmamma had a peculiar way of employing, now the second person +singular, now the second person plural, in order to indicate her +opinion of people. When the young Prince Etienne went up to her +she addressed him as "YOU," and altogether looked at him with +such an expression of contempt that, had I been in his place, I +should have been utterly crestfallen. Etienne, however, was +evidently not a boy of that sort, for he not only took no notice +of her reception of him, but none of her person either. In fact, +he bowed to the company at large in a way which, though not +graceful, was at least free from embarrassment. + +Sonetchka now claimed my whole attention. I remember that, as I +stood in the salon with Etienne and Woloda, at a spot whence we +could both see and be seen by Sonetchka, I took great pleasure in +talking very loud (and all my utterances seemed to me both bold +and comical) and glancing towards the door of the drawing-room, +but that, as soon as ever we happened to move to another spot +whence we could neither see nor be seen by her, I became dumb, and +thought the conversation had ceased to be enjoyable. The rooms were +now full of people--among them (as at all children's parties) a number +of elder children who wished to dance and enjoy themselves very +much, but who pretended to do everything merely in order to give +pleasure to the mistress of the house. + +When the Iwins arrived I found that, instead of being as +delighted as usual to meet Seriosha, I felt a kind of vexation +that he should see and be seen by Sonetchka. + +XXI + +BEFORE THE MAZURKA + +"HULLO, Woloda! So we are going to dance to-night," said +Seriosha, issuing from the drawing-room and taking out of his +pocket a brand new pair of gloves. "I suppose it IS necessary to +put on gloves? " + +"Goodness! What shall I do? We have no gloves," I thought to +myself. "I must go upstairs and search about." Yet though I +rummaged in every drawer, I only found, in one of them, my green +travelling mittens, and, in another, a single lilac-coloured +glove, a thing which could be of no use to me, firstly, because +it was very old and dirty, secondly, because it was much too +large for me, and thirdly (and principally), because the middle +finger was wanting--Karl having long ago cut it off to wear over a +sore nail. + +However, I put it on--not without some diffident contemplation of +the blank left by the middle finger and of the ink-stained edges +round the vacant space. + +"If only Natalia Savishna had been here," I reflected, "we +should certainly have found some gloves. I can't go downstairs in +this condition. Yet, if they ask me why I am not dancing, what am +I to say? However, I can't remain here either, or they will be +sending upstairs to fetch me. What on earth am I to do?" and I +wrung my hands. + +"What are you up to here?" asked Woloda as he burst into the +room. "Go and engage a partner. The dancing will be beginning +directly." + +"Woloda," I said despairingly, as I showed him my hand with +two fingers thrust into a single finger of the dirty glove,
+"Woloda, you, never thought of this." + +"Of what? " he said impatiently. "Oh, of gloves," he added with +a careless glance at my hand. "That's nothing. We can ask +Grandmamma what she thinks about it," and without further ado he +departed downstairs. I felt a trifle relieved by the coolness +with which he had met a situation which seemed to me so grave, +and hastened back to the drawing-room, completely forgetful of +the unfortunate glove which still adorned my left hand. + +Cautiously approaching Grandmamma's arm-chair, I asked her in a +whisper: + +"Grandmamma, what are we to do? We have no gloves." + +"What, my love?" + +"We have no gloves," I repeated, at the same time bending over +towards her and laying both hands on the arm of her chair, + +" But what is that? " she cried as she caught hold of my left +hand. "Look, my dear! " she continued, turning to Madame +Valakhin. "See how smart this young man has made himself to +dance with your daughter!" + +As Grandmamma persisted in retaining hold of my hand and gazing +with a mock air of gravity and interrogation at all around her, +curiosity was soon aroused, and a general roar of laughter +ensued. + +I should have been infuriated at the thought that Seriosha was +present to see this, as I scowled with embarrassment and +struggled hard to free my hand, had it not been that somehow +Sonetchka's laughter (and she was laughing to such a degree that +the tears were standing in her eyes and the curls dancing about +her lovely face) took away my feeling of humiliation. I felt that +her laughter was not satirical, but only natural and free; so +that, as we laughed together and looked at one another, there +seemed to begin a kind of sympathy between us. Instead of turning +out badly, therefore, the episode of the glove served only to set +me at my ease among the dreaded circle of guests, and to make me +cease to feel oppressed with shyness. The sufferings of shy +people proceed only from the doubts which they feel concerning +the opinions of their fellows. No sooner are those opinions +expressed (whether flattering or the reverse) than the agony +disappears. + +How lovely Sonetchka looked when she was dancing a quadrille as +my vis-a-vis, with, as her partner, the loutish Prince Etienne! +How charmingly she smiled when, en chaine, she accorded me her +hand! How gracefully the curls, around her head nodded to the +rhythm, and how naively she executed the jete assemble with her +little feet! + +In the fifth figure, when my partner had to leave me for the +other side and I, counting the beats, was getting ready to dance +my solo, she pursed her lips gravely and looked in another +direction; but her fears for me were groundless. Boldly I +performed the chasse en avant and chasse en arriere glissade, +until, when it came to my turn to move towards her and I, with a +comic gesture, showed her the poor glove with its crumpled +fingers, she laughed heartily, and seemed to move her tiny feet +more enchantingly than ever over the parquetted floor. + +How well I remember how we formed the circle, and how, without +withdrawing her hand from mine, she scratched her little nose +with her glove! All this I can see before me still. Still can I +hear the quadrille from "The Maids of the Danube" to which we +danced that night. + +The second quadrille, I danced with Sonetchka herself; yet when +we went to sit down together during the interval, I felt overcome +with shyness and as though I had nothing to say. At last, when my +silence had lasted so long that I began to be afraid that she +would think me a stupid boy, I decided at all hazards to +counteract such a notion. + +"Vous etes une habitante de Moscou?" I began, and, on receiving +an affirmative answer, continued. "Et moi, je n'ai encore jamais +frequente la capitale" (with a particular emphasis on the word +"frequente"). Yet I felt that, brilliant though this +introduction might be as evidence of my profound knowledge of the +French language, I could not long keep up the conversation in +that manner. Our turn for dancing had not yet arrived, and +silence again ensued between us. I kept looking anxiously at her +in the hope both of discerning what impression I had produced and +of her coming to my aid. + +"Where did you get that ridiculous glove of yours?" she asked +me all of a sudden, and the question afforded me immense +satisfaction and relief. I replied that the glove belonged to +Karl Ivanitch, and then went on to speak ironically of his +appearance, and to describe how comical he looked in his red cap, +and how he and his green coat had once fallen plump off a horse +into a pond. + +The quadrille was soon over. Yet why had I spoken ironically of +poor Karl Ivanitch? Should I, forsooth, have sunk in Sonetchka's +esteem if, on the contrary, I had spoken of him with the love and +respect which I undoubtedly bore him? + +The quadrille ended, Sonetchka said, "Thank you," with as lovely +an expression on her face as though I had really conferred, upon +her a favour. I was delighted. In fact I hardly knew myself for +joy and could not think whence I derived such case and confidence +and even daring. + +"Nothing in the world can abash me now," I thought as I wandered +carelessly about the salon. "I am ready for anything." + +Just then Seriosha came and requested me to be his vis-a-vis. + +"Very well," I said. "I have no partner as yet, but I can soon +find one." + +Glancing round the salon with a confident eye, I saw that every +lady was engaged save one--a tall girl standing near the drawing- +room door. Yet a grown-up young man was approaching her-probably +for the same purpose as myself! He was but two steps from her, +while I was at the further end of the salon. Doing a glissade +over the polished floor, I covered the intervening space, and in +a brave, firm voice asked the favour of her hand in the +quadrille. Smiling with a protecting air, the young lady accorded +me her hand, and the tall young man was left without a partner. I +felt so conscious of my strength that I paid no attention to his +irritation, though I learnt later that he had asked somebody who +the awkward, untidy boy was who, had taken away his lady from +him. + +XXII + +THE MAZURKA + +AFTERWARDS the same young man formed one of the first couple in a +mazurka. He sprang to his feet, took his partner's hand, and +then, instead of executing the pas de Basques which Mimi had +taught us, glided forward till he arrived at a corner of the +room, stopped, divided his feet, turned on his heels, and, with +a spring, glided back again. I, who had found no partner for this +particular dance and was sitting on the arm of Grandmamma's +chair, thought to myself: + +"What on earth is he doing? That is not what Mimi taught us. And +there are the Iwins and Etienne all dancing in the same way- +without the pas de Basques! Ah! and there is Woloda too! He too +is adopting the new style, and not so badly either. And there is +Sonetchka, the lovely one! Yes, there she comes!" I felt +immensely happy at that moment. + +The mazurka came to an end, and already some of the guests were +saying good-bye to Grandmamma. She was evidently tired, yet she +assured them that she felt vexed at their early departure. +Servants were gliding about with plates and trays among the +dancers, and the musicians were carelessly playing the same tune +for about the thirteenth time in succession, when the young lady +whom I had danced with before, and who was just about to join in +another mazurka, caught sight of me, and, with a kindly smile, +led me to Sonetchka And one of the innumerable Kornakoff +princesses, at the same time asking me, "Rose or Hortie?" + +"Ah, so it's YOU!" said Grandmamma as she turned round in her +armchair. "Go and dance, then, my boy." + +Although I would fain have taken refuge behind the armchair +rather than leave its shelter, I could not refuse; so I got up, +said, "Rose," and looked at Sonetchka. Before I had time to +realise it, however, a hand in a white glove laid itself on mine, +and the Kornakoff girl stepped forth with a pleased smile and +evidently no suspicion that I was ignorant of the steps of the +dance. I only knew that the pas de Basques (the only figure of it +which I had been taught) would be out of place. However, the +strains of the mazurka falling upon my ears, and imparting their +usual impulse to my acoustic nerves (which, in their turn, +imparted their usual impulse to my feet), I involuntarily, and to +the amazement of the spectators, began executing on tiptoe the +sole (and fatal) pas which I had been taught. + +So long as we went straight ahead I kept fairly right, but when +it came to turning I saw that I must make preparations to arrest +my course. Accordingly, to avoid any appearance of awkwardness, I +stopped short, with the intention of imitating the " wheel about"
+which I had seen the young man perform so neatly. + +Unfortunately, just as I divided my feet and prepared to make a +spring, the Princess Kornakoff looked sharply round at my legs +with such an expression of stupefied amazement and curiosity that +the glance undid me. Instead of continuing to dance, I remained +moving my legs up and down on the same spot, in a sort of +extraordinary fashion which bore no relation whatever either to +form or rhythm. At last I stopped altogether. Every-one was +looking at me--some with curiosity, some with +astonishment, some with disdain, and some with compassion, +Grandmamma alone seemed unmoved. + +"You should not dance if you don't know the step," said Papa's +angry voice in my ear as, pushing me gently aside, he took my +partner's hand, completed the figures with her to the admiration +of every one, and finally led her back to, her place. The mazurka +was at an end. + +Ah me! What had I done to be punished so heavily? + +************************* + +"Every one despises me, and will always despise me," I thought to +myself. "The way is closed for me to friendship, love, and fame! +All, all is lost!" + +Why had Woloda made signs to me which every one saw, yet which +could in no way help me? Why had that disgusting princess looked +at my legs? Why had Sonetchka--she was a darling, of course!--yet +why, oh why, had she smiled at that moment? + +Why had Papa turned red and taken my hand? Can it be that he was +ashamed of me? + +Oh, it was dreadful! Alas, if only Mamma had been there she would +never have blushed for her Nicolinka! + +How on the instant that dear image led my imagination captive! I +seemed to see once more the meadow before our house, the tall +lime-trees in the garden, the clear pond where the ducks swain, +the blue sky dappled with white clouds, the sweet-smelling ricks +of hay. How those memories--aye, and many another quiet, beloved +recollection--floated through my mind at that time! + +XXIII + +AFTER THE MAZURKA + +At supper the young man whom I have mentioned seated himself +beside me at the children's table, and treated me with an amount +of attention which would have flattered my self-esteem had I been +able, after the occurrence just related, to give a thought to +anything beyond my failure in the mazurka. However, the young man +seemed determined to cheer me up. He jested, called me "old +boy," and finally (since none of the elder folks were looking at +us) began to help me to wine, first from one bottle and then from +another and to force me to drink it off quickly. + +By the time (towards the end of supper) that a servant had poured +me out a quarter of a glass of champagne, and the young man had +straightway bid him fill it up and urged me to drink the beverage +off at a draught, I had begun to feel a grateful warmth diffusing +itself through my body. I also felt well-disposed towards my kind +patron, and began to laugh heartily at everything. Suddenly the +music of the Grosvater dance struck up, and every one rushed from +the table. My friendship with the young man had now outlived its +day; so, whereas he joined a group of the older folks, I +approached Madame Valakhin hear what she and her daughter had to +say to one another. + +"Just HALF-an-hour more? " Sonetchka was imploring her. + +"Impossible, my dearest." + +"Yet, only to please me--just this ONCE? " Sonetchka went on +persuasively. + +"Well, what if I should be ill to-morrow through all this +dissipation?" rejoined her mother, and was incautious enough to +smile. + +"There! You DO consent, and we CAN stay after all!" exclaimed +Sonetchka, jumping for joy. + +"What is to be done with such a girl?" said Madame. "Well, run +away and dance. See," she added on perceiving myself, "here is a +cavalier ready waiting for you." + +Sonetchka gave me her hand, and we darted off to the salon, The +wine, added to Sonetchka's presence and gaiety, had at once made +me forget all about the unfortunate end of the mazurka. I kept +executing the most splendid feats with my legs--now imitating a +horse as he throws out his hoofs in the trot, now stamping like a +sheep infuriated at a dog, and all the while laughing regardless +of appearances. + +Sonetchka also laughed unceasingly, whether we were whirling +round in a circle or whether we stood still to watch an old lady +whose painful movements with her feet showed the difficulty she +had in walking. Finally Sonetchka nearly died of merriment when I +jumped half-way to the ceiling in proof of my skill. + +As I passed a mirror in Grandmamma's boudoir and glanced at +myself I could see that my face was all in a perspiration and my +hair dishevelled--the top-knot, in particular, being more erect +than ever. Yet my general appearance looked so happy, healthy, +and good-tempered that I felt wholly pleased with myself. + +"If I were always as I am now," I thought, "I might yet be able +to please people with my looks." Yet as soon as I glanced at my +partner's face again, and saw there not only the expression of +happiness, health, and good temper which had just pleased me in +my own, but also a fresh and enchanting beauty besides, I felt +dissatisfied with myself again. I understood how silly of me it +was to hope to attract the attention of such a wonderful being as +Sonetchka. I could not hope for reciprocity--could not even think +of it, yet my heart was overflowing with happiness. I could not +imagine that the feeling of love which was filling my soul so +pleasantly could require any happiness still greater, or wish for +more than that that happiness should never cease. I felt +perfectly contented. My heart beat like that of a dove, with the +blood constantly flowing back to it, and I almost wept for joy. + +As we passed through the hall and peered into a little dark +store-room beneath the staircase I thought: "What bliss it would +be if I could pass the rest of my life with her in that dark +corner, and never let anybody know that we were there!" + +"It HAS been a delightful evening, hasn't it?" I asked her in a +low, tremulous voice. Then I quickened my steps--as much out of +fear of what I had said as out of fear of what I had meant to +imply. + +"Yes, VERY! " she answered, and turned her face to look at me +with an expression so kind that I ceased to be afraid. I went on: + +"Particularly since supper. Yet if you could only know how I +regret" (I had nearly said "how miserable I am at") your +going, and to think that we shall see each other no more!" + +"But why SHOULDN'T we?" she asked, looking gravely at the +corner of her pocket-handkerchief, and gliding her fingers over a +latticed screen which we were passing. "Every Tuesday and Friday +I go with Mamma to the Iverskoi Prospect. I suppose you go for +walks too sometimes?" + +"Well, certainly I shall ask to go for one next Tuesday, and. +if they won't take me I shall go by myself--even without my hat, +if necessary. I know the way all right. " + +"Do you know what I have just thought of?" she went on. "You +know, I call some of the boys who come to see us THOU. Shall you +and I call each other THOU too? Wilt THOU?" she added, bending +her head towards me and looking me straight in the eyes. + +At this moment a more lively section of the Grosvater dance +began. + +"Give me your hand," I said, under the impression that the music +and din would drown my exact words, but she smilingly replied,
+"THY hand, not YOUR hand." Yet the dance was over before I had +succeeded in saying THOU, even though I kept conning over +phrases in which the pronoun could be employed--and employed more +than once. All that I wanted was the courage to say it. + +"Wilt THOU?" and "THY hand" sounded continually in my ears, +and caused in me a kind of intoxication I could hear and see +nothing but Sonetchka. I watched her mother take her curls, lay +them flat behind her ears (thus disclosing portions of her +forehead and temples which I had not yet seen), and wrap her up +so completely in the green shawl that nothing was left visible +but the tip of her nose. Indeed, I could see that, if her little +rosy fingers had not made a small, opening near her mouth, she +would have been unable to breathe. Finally I saw her leave her +mother's arm for an instant on the staircase, and turn and nod to +us quickly before she disappeared through the doorway. + +Woloda, the Iwins, the young Prince Etienne, and myself were all +of us in love with Sonetchka and all of us standing on the +staircase to follow her with our eyes. To whom in particular she +had nodded I do not know, but at the moment I firmly believed it +to be myself. In taking leave of the Iwins, I spoke quite +unconcernedly, and even coldly, to Seriosha before I finally +shook hands with him. Though he tried to appear absolutely +indifferent, I think that he understood that from that day forth +he had lost both my affection and his power over me, as well as +that he regretted it. + +XXIV + +IN BED + +"How could I have managed to be so long and so passionately +devoted to Seriosha?" I asked myself as I lay in bed that night. +"He never either understood, appreciated, or deserved my love. +But Sonetchka! What a darling SHE is! 'Wilt THOU?'--'THY hand'!" + +I crept closer to the pillows, imagined to myself her lovely +face, covered my head over with the bedclothes, tucked the +counterpane in on all sides, and, thus snugly covered, lay quiet +and enjoying the warmth until I became wholly absorbed in +pleasant fancies and reminiscences. + +If I stared fixedly at the inside of the sheet above me I found +that I could see her as clearly as I had done an hour ago could +talk to her in my thoughts, and, though it was a conversation of +irrational tenor, I derived the greatest delight from it, seeing +that "THOU" and "THINE" and "for THEE" and "to THEE" +occurred in it incessantly. These fancies were so vivid that I +could not sleep for the sweetness of my emotion, and felt as +though I must communicate my superabundant happiness to some one. + +"The darling!" I said, half-aloud, as I turned over; then,
+"Woloda, are you asleep?" + +"No," he replied in a sleepy voice. "What's the matter?" + +"I am in love, Woloda--terribly in love with Sonetchka" + +"Well? Anything else?" he replied, stretching himself. + +"Oh, but you cannot imagine what I feel just now, as I lay +covered over with the counterpane, I could see her and talk to +her so clearly that it was marvellous! And, do you know, while I +was lying thinking about her--I don't know why it was, but all at +once I felt so sad that I could have cried." + +Woloda made a movement of some sort. + +"One thing only I wish for," I continued; "and that is that I +could always be with her and always be seeing her. Just that. You +are in love too, I believe. Confess that you are." + +It was strange, but somehow I wanted every one to be in love with +Sonetchka, and every one to tell me that they were so. + +"So that's how it is with you? " said Woloda, turning round to +me. "Well, I can understand it." + +"I can see that you cannot sleep," I remarked, observing by his +bright eyes that he was anything but drowsy. "Well, cover +yourself over SO" (and I pulled the bedclothes over him), "and +then let us talk about her. Isn't she splendid? If she were to +say to me, 'Nicolinka, jump out of the window,' or 'jump into the +fire,' I should say, 'Yes, I will do it at once and rejoice in +doing it.' Oh, how glorious she is!" + +I went on picturing her again and again to my imagination, and, +to enjoy the vision the better, turned over on my side and buried +my head in the pillows, murmuring, "Oh, I want to cry, Woloda." + +"What a fool you are!" he said with a slight laugh. Then, after +a moment's silence he added: "I am not like you. I think I would +rather sit and talk with her." + +"Ah! Then you ARE in love with her!" I interrupted. + +"And then," went on Woloda, smiling tenderly, "kiss her fingers +and eyes and lips and nose and feet--kiss all of her." + +"How absurd!" I exclaimed from beneath the pillows. + +"Ah, you don't understand things," said Woloda with contempt. + +"I DO understand. It's you who don't understand things, and you +talk rubbish, too," I replied, half-crying. + +"Well, there is nothing to cry about," he concluded. "She is +only a girl." + +XXV + +THE LETTER + +ON the 16th of April, nearly six months after the day just +described, Papa entered our schoolroom and told us that that +night we must start with him for our country house. I felt a pang +at my heart when I heard the news, and my thoughts at once turned +to Mamma, The cause of our unexpected departure was the following +letter: + +"PETROVSKOE, 12th April. + +"Only this moment (i.e. at ten o'clock in the evening) have I +received your dear letter of the 3rd of April, but as usual, I +answer it at once. Fedor brought it yesterday from town, but, as +it was late, he did not give it to Mimi till this morning, and +Mimi (since I was unwell) kept it from me all day. I have been a +little feverish. In fact, to tell the truth, this is the fourth +day that I have been in bed. + +"Yet do not be uneasy. I feel almost myself again now, and if +Ivan Vassilitch should allow me, I think of getting up to-morrow. + +"On Friday last I took the girls for a drive, and, close to the +little bridge by the turning on to the high road (the place which +always makes me nervous), the horses and carriage stuck fast in +the mud. Well, the day being fine, I thought that we would walk a +little up the road until the carriage should be extricated, but +no sooner had we reached the chapel than I felt obliged to sit +down, I was so tired, and in this way half-an-hour passed while +help was being sent for to get the carriage dug out. I felt cold, +for I had only thin boots on, and they had been wet through. +After luncheon too, I had alternate cold and hot fits, yet still +continued to follow our ordinary routine + +"When tea was over I sat down to the piano to play a duct with +Lubotshka. (you would be astonished to hear what progress she has +made!), but imagine my surprise when I found that I could not +count the beats! Several times I began to do so, yet always felt +confused in my head, and kept hearing strange noises in my ears. +I would begin 'One-two-three--' and then suddenly go on '-eight- +fifteen,' and so on, as though I were talking nonsense and could +not help it. At last Mimi came to my assistance and forced me to +retire to bed. That was how my illness began, and it was all +through my own fault. The next day I had a good deal of fever, +and our good Ivan Vassilitch came. He has not left us since, but +promises soon to restore me to the world." + +"What a wonderful old man he is! While I was feverish and +delirious he sat the whole night by my bedside without once +closing his eyes; and at this moment (since he knows I am busy +writing) he is with the girls in the divannaia, and I can hear +him telling them German stories, and them laughing as they listen +to him. + +"'La Belle Flamande,' as you call her, is now spending her second +week here as my guest (her mother having gone to pay a visit +somewhere), and she is most attentive and attached to me, She +even tells me her secret affairs. Under different circumstances +her beautiful face, good temper, and youth might have made a most +excellent girl of her, but in the society in which according to +her own account, she moves she will be wasted. The idea has more +than once occurred to me that, had I not had so many children of +my own, it would have been a deed of mercy to have adopted her. + +"Lubotshka had meant to write to you herself, but she has torn +up three sheets of paper, saying: 'I know what a quizzer Papa +always is. If he were to find a single fault in my letter he +would show it to everybody.' Katenka is as charming as usual, and +Mimi, too, is good, but tiresome. + +"Now let me speak of more serious matters. You write to me that +your affairs are not going well this winter, and that you wish +to break into the revenues of Chabarovska. It seems to me strange +that you should think it necessary to ask my consent. Surely what +belongs to me belongs no less to you? You are so kind-hearted, +dear, that, for fear of worrying me, you conceal the real state +of things, but I can guess that you have lost a great deal at +cards, as also that you are afraid of my being angry at that. +Yet, so long as you can tide over this crisis, I shall not think +much of it, and you need not be uneasy, I have grown accustomed +to no longer relying, so far as the children are concerned, upon +your gains at play, nor yet--excuse me for saying so--upon your +income. Therefore your losses cause me as little anxiety as your +gains give me pleasure. What I really grieve over is your unhappy +passion itself for gambling--a passion which bereaves me of part +of your tender affection and obliges me to tell you such bitter +truths as (God knows with what pain) I am now telling you. I +never cease. to beseech Him that He may preserve us, not from +poverty (for what is poverty?), but from the terrible juncture +which would arise should the interests of the children, which I +am called upon to protect, ever come into collision with our own. +Hitherto God has listened to my prayers. You have never yet +overstepped the limit beyond which we should be obliged either to +sacrifice property which would no longer belong to us, but to the +children, or-- It is terrible to think of, but the dreadful +misfortune at which I hint is forever hanging over our heads. +Yes, it is the heavy cross which God has given us both to carry. + +"Also, you write about the children, and come back to our old +point of difference by asking my consent to your placing them at +a boarding-school. You know my objection to that kind of +education. I do not know, dear, whether you will accede to my +request, but I nevertheless beseech you, by your love for me, to +give me your promise that never so long as I am alive, nor yet +after my death (if God should see fit to separate us), shall such +a thing be done. + +"Also you write that our affairs render it indispensable for you +to visit St. Petersburg. The Lord go with you! Go and return as, +soon as possible. Without you we shall all of us be lonely. + +"Spring is coming in beautifully. We keep the door on to the +terrace always open now, while the path to the orangery is dry +and the peach-trees are in full blossom. Only here and there is +there a little snow remaining, The swallows are arriving, and to- +day Lubotshka brought me the first flowers. The doctor says that +in about three days' time I shall be well again and able to take +the open air and to enjoy the April sun. Now, au revoir, my +dearest one. Do not he alarmed, I beg of you, either on account +of my illness or on account of your losses at play. End the +crisis as soon as possible, and then return here with the +children for the summer. I am making wonderful plans for our +passing of it, and I only need your presence to realise them." + +The rest of the letter was written in French, as well as in a +strange, uncertain hand, on another piece of paper. I transcribe +it word for word: + +"Do not believe what I have just written to you about my +illness. It is more serious than any one knows. I alone know that +I shall never leave my bed again. Do not, therefore, delay a +minute in coming here with the children. Perhaps it may yet be +permitted me to embrace and bless them. It is my last wish that +it should be so. I know what a terrible blow this will be to you, +but you would have had to hear it sooner or later--if not from me, +at least from others. Let us try to, bear the Calamity with +fortitude, and place our trust in the mercy of God. Let us submit +ourselves to His will. Do not think that what I am writing is +some delusion of my sick imagination. On the contrary, I am +perfectly clear at this moment, and absolutely calm. Nor must you +comfort yourself with the false hope that these are the unreal, +confused feelings of a despondent spirit, for I feel indeed, I +know, since God has deigned to reveal it to me--that I have now +but a very short time to live. Will my love for you and the +children cease with my life? I know that that can never be. At +this moment I am too full of that love to be capable of believing +that such a feeling (which constitutes a part of my very +existence) can ever, perish. My soul can never lack its love for +you; and I know that that love will exist for ever, since such a +feeling could never have been awakened if it were not to be +eternal. I shall no longer be with you, yet I firmly believe that +my love will cleave to you always, and from that thought I glean +such comfort that I await the approach of death calmly and +without fear. Yes, I am calm, and God knows that I have ever +looked, and do look now, upon death as no mere than the passage +to a better life. Yet why do tears blind my eyes? Why should the +children lose a mother's love? Why must you, my husband, +experience such a heavy and unlooked-for blow? Why must I die +when your love was making life so inexpressibly happy for me? + +"But His holy will be done! + +"The tears prevent my writing more. It may be that I shall never +see you again. I thank you, my darling beyond all price, for all +the felicity with which you have surrounded me in this life. Soon +I shall appear before God Himself to pray that He may reward you. +Farewell, my dearest! Remember that, if I am no longer here, my +love will none the less NEVER AND NOWHERE fail you. Farewell, +Woloda--farewell, my pet! Farewell, my Benjamin, my little +Nicolinka! Surely they will never forget me?" + +With this letter had come also a French note from Mimi, in which +the latter said: + +"The sad circumstances of which she has written to you are but +too surely confirmed by the words of the doctor. Yesterday +evening she ordered the letter to be posted at once, but, +thinking at she did so in delirium, I waited until this morning, +with the intention of sealing and sending it then. Hardly had I +done so when Natalia Nicolaevna asked me what I had done with the +letter and told me to burn it if not yet despatched. She is +forever speaking of it, and saying that it will kill you. Do not +delay your departure for an instant if you wish to see the angel +before she leaves us. Pray excuse this scribble, but I have not +slept now for three nights. You know how much I love her." + +Later I heard from Natalia Savishna (who passed the whole of the +night of the 11th April at Mamma's bedside) that, after writing +the first part of the letter, Mamma laid it down upon the table +beside her and went to sleep for a while, + +"I confess," said Natalia Savishna, "that I too fell asleep in +the arm-chair, and let my knitting slip from my hands. Suddenly, +towards one o'clock in the morning, I heard her saying something; +whereupon I opened my eyes and looked at her. My darling was +sitting up in bed, with her hands clasped together and streams of +tears gushing from her eyes. + +"'It is all over now,' she said, and hid her face in her hands. + +"I sprang to my feet, and asked what the matter was. + +"'Ah, Natalia Savishna, if you could only know what I have just +seen!' she said; yet, for all my asking, she would say no more, +beyond commanding me to hand her the letter. To that letter she +added something, and then said that it must be sent off directly. +From that moment she grew, rapidly worse." + +XXVI + +WHAT AWAITED US AT THE COUNTRY-HOUSE + +On the 18th of April we descended from the carriage at the front +door of the house at Petrovskoe. All the way from Moscow Papa had +been preoccupied, and when Woloda had asked him "whether Mamma +was ill" he had looked at him sadly and nodded an affirmative. +Nevertheless he had grown more composed during the journey, and +it was only when we were actually approaching the house that his +face again began to grow anxious, until, as he leaped from the +carriage and asked Foka (who had run breathlessly to meet us),
+"How is Natalia Nicolaevna now?" his voice, was trembling, and
+his eyes had filled with tears. The good, old Foka looked at
+us, and then lowered his gaze again. Finally he said as he
+opened the hall-door and turned his head aside: "It is the
+sixth day since she has not left her bed." + +Milka (who, as we afterwards learned, had never ceased to whine +from the day when Mamma was taken ill) came leaping, joyfully to +meet Papa, and barking a welcome as she licked his hands, but +Papa put her aside, and went first to the drawing-room, and then +into the divannaia, from which a door led into the bedroom. The +nearer he approached the latter, the more, did his movements +express the agitation that he felt. Entering the divannaia he +crossed it on tiptoe, seeming to hold his breath. Even then he +had to stop and make the sign of the cross before he could summon +up courage to turn the handle. At the same moment Mimi, with +dishevelled hair and eyes red with weeping came hastily out of +the corridor. + +"Ah, Peter Alexandritch!" she said in a whisper and with a +marked expression of despair. Then, observing that Papa was +trying to open the door, she whispered again: + +"Not here. This door is locked. Go round to the door on the +other side." + +Oh, how terribly all this wrought upon my imagination, racked as +it was by grief and terrible forebodings! + +So we went round to the other side. In the corridor we met the +gardener, Akim, who had been wont to amuse us with his grimaces, +but at this moment I could see nothing comical in him. Indeed, +the sight of his thoughtless, indifferent face struck me more +painfully than anything else. In the maidservants' hall, through +which we had to pass, two maids were sitting at their work, but +rose to salute us with an expression so mournful that I felt +completely overwhelmed. + +Passing also through Mimi's room, Papa opened the door of the +bedroom, and we entered. The two windows on the right were +curtained over, and close to them was seated, Natalia Savishna, +spectacles on nose and engaged in darning stockings. She did not +approach us to kiss me as she had been used to do, but just rose +and looked at us, her tears beginning to flow afresh. Somehow it +frightened me to see every one, on beholding us, begin to cry, +although they had been calm enough before. + +On the left stood the bed behind a screen, while in the great +arm-chair the doctor lay asleep. Beside the bed a young, fair- +haired and remarkably beautiful girl in a white morning wrapper +was applying ice to Mamma's head, but Mamma herself I could not +see. This girl was "La Belle Flamande" of whom Mamma had +written, and who afterwards played so important a part in our +family life. As we entered she disengaged one of her hands, +straightened the pleats of her dress on her bosom, and +whispered, " She is insensible," Though I was in an agony of +grief, I observed at that moment every little detail. + +It was almost dark in the room, and very hot, while the air was +heavy with the mingled, scent of mint, eau-de-cologne, camomile, +and Hoffman's pastilles. The latter ingredient caught my +attention so strongly that even now I can never hear of it, or +even think of it, without my memory carrying me back to that +dark, close room, and all the details of that dreadful time. + +Mamma's eyes were wide open, but they could not see us. Never +shall I forget the terrible expression in them--the expression of +agonies of suffering! + +Then we were taken away. + +When, later, I was able to ask Natalia Savishna about Mamma's +last moments she told me the following: + +"After you were taken out of the room, my beloved one struggled +for a long time, as though some one were trying to strangle her. +Then at last she laid her head back upon the pillow, and slept +softly, peacefully, like an angel from Heaven. I went away for a +moment to see about her medicine, and just as I entered the room +again my darling was throwing the bedclothes from off her and +calling for your Papa. He stooped over her, but strength failed +her to say what she wanted to. All she could do was to open her +lips and gasp, 'My God, my God! The children, the children!' I +would have run to fetch you, but Ivan Vassilitch stopped me, +saying that it would only excite her--it were best not to do so. +Then suddenly she stretched her arms out and dropped them again. +What she meant by that gesture the good God alone knows, but I +think that in it she was blessing you--you the children whom she +could not see. God did not grant her to see her little ones +before her death. Then she raised herself up--did my love, my +darling--yes, just so with her hands, and exclaimed in a voice +which I cannot bear to remember, 'Mother of God, never forsake +them!'" + +"Then the pain mounted to her heart, and from her eyes it as, +plain that she suffered terribly, my poor one! She sank back upon +the pillows, tore the bedclothes with her teeth, and wept--wept--" + +"Yes and what then?" I asked but Natalia Savishna could say no +more. She turned away and cried bitterly. + +Mamma had expired in terrible agonies. + +XXVII + +GRIEF + +LATE the following evening I thought I would like to look at her +once more; so, conquering an involuntary sense of fear, I gently +opened the door of the salon and entered on tiptoe. + +In the middle of the room, on a table, lay the coffin, with wax +candles burning all round it on tall silver candelabra. In the +further corner sat the chanter, reading the Psalms in a low, +monotonous voice. I stopped at the door and tried to look, but my +eyes were so weak with crying, and my nerves so terribly on edge, +that I could distinguish nothing. Every object seemed to mingle +together in a strange blur--the candles, the brocade, the velvet, +the great candelabra, the pink satin cushion trimmed with lace, +the chaplet of flowers, the ribboned cap, and something of a +transparent, wax-like colour. I mounted a chair to see her face, +yet where it should have been I could see only that wax-like, +transparent something. I could not believe it to be her face. +Yet, as I stood grazing at it, I at last recognised the well- +known, beloved features. I shuddered with horror to realise that +it WAS she. Why were those eyes so sunken? What had laid that +dreadful paleness upon her cheeks, and stamped the black spot +beneath the transparent skin on one of them? Why was the +expression of the whole face so cold and severe? Why were the +lips so white, and their outline so beautiful, so majestic, so +expressive of an unnatural calm that, as I looked at them, a +chill shudder ran through my hair and down my back? + +Somehow, as I gazed, an irrepressible, incomprehensible power +seemed to compel me to keep my eyes fixed upon that lifeless +face. I could not turn away, and my imagination began to picture +before me scenes of her active life and happiness. I forgot that +the corpse lying before me now--the THING at which I was gazing +unconsciously as at an object which had nothing in common with my +dreams--was SHE. I fancied I could see her--now here, now there, +alive, happy, and smiling. Then some well-known feature in the +face at which I was gazing would suddenly arrest my attention, +and in a flash I would recall the terrible reality and shudder- +though still unable to turn my eyes away. + +Then again the dreams would replace reality--then again the +reality put to flight the dreams. At last the consciousness of +both left me, and for a while I became insensible. + +How long I remained in that condition I do not know, nor yet how +it occurred. I only know that for a time I lost all sense of +existence, and experienced a kind of vague blissfulness which +though grand and sweet, was also sad. It may be that, as it +ascended to a better world, her beautiful soul had looked down +with longing at the world in which she had left us--that it had +seen my sorrow, and, pitying me, had returned to earth on the +wings of love to console and bless me with a heavenly smile of +compassion. + +The door creaked as the chanter entered who was to relieve his +predecessor. The noise awakened me, and my first thought was +that, seeing me standing on the chair in a posture which had +nothing touching in its aspect, he might take me for an unfeeling +boy who had climbed on to the chair out of mere curiosity: +wherefore I hastened to make the sign of the cross, to bend down +my head, and to burst out crying. As I recall now my impressions +of that episode I find that it was only during my moments of +self-forgetfulness that my grief was wholehearted. True, both +before and after the funeral I never ceased to cry and to look +miserable, yet I feel conscience-stricken when I recall that +grief of mine, seeing that always present in it there was an +element of conceit--of a desire to show that I was more grieved +than any one else, of an interest which I took in observing the +effect, produced upon others by my tears, and of an idle +curiosity leading me to remark Mimi's bonnet and the faces of all +present. The mere circumstance that I despised myself for not +feeling grief to the exclusion of everything else, and that I +endeavoured to conceal the fact, shows that my sadness was +insincere and unnatural. I took a delight in feeling that I was +unhappy, and in trying to feel more so. Consequently this +egotistic consciousness completely annulled any element of +sincerity in my woe. + +That night I slept calmly and soundly (as is usual after any +great emotion), and awoke with my tears dried and my nerves +restored. At ten o'clock we were summoned to attend the pre- +funeral requiem. + +The room was full of weeping servants and peasants who had come +to bid farewell to their late mistress. During the service I +myself wept a great deal, made frequent signs of the cross, and +performed many genuflections, but I did not pray with, my soul, +and felt, if anything, almost indifferent, My thoughts were +chiefly centred upon the new coat which I was wearing (a garment +which was tight and uncomfortable) and upon how to avoid soiling +my trousers at the knees. Also I took the most minute notice of +all present. + +Papa stood at the head of the coffin. He was as white as snow, +and only with difficulty restrained his tears. His tall figure in +its black frockcoat, his pale, expressive face, the graceful, +assured manner in which, as usual, he made the sign of the cross +or bowed until he touched the floor with his hand [A custom of +the Greek funeral rite.] or took the candle from the priest or +went to the coffin--all were exceedingly effective; yet for some +reason or another I felt a grudge against him for that very +ability to appear effective at such a moment. Mimi stood leaning +against the wall as though scarcely able to support herself. Her +dress was all awry and covered with feathers, and her cap cocked +to one side, while her eyes were red with weeping, her legs +trembling under her, and she sobbed incessantly in a heartrending +manner as ever and again she buried her face in her handkerchief +or her hands. I imagine that she did this to check her continual +sobbing without being seen by the spectators. I remember, too, +her telling Papa, the evening before, that Mamma's death had come +upon her as a blow from which she could never hope to recover; +that with Mamma she had lost everything; but that "the angel," +as she called my mother, had not forgotten her when at the point +of death, since she had declared her wish to render her (Mimi's) +and Katenka's fortunes secure for ever. Mimi had shed bitter +tears while relating this, and very likely her sorrow, if not +wholly pure and disinterested, was in the main sincere. +Lubotshka, in black garments and suffused with tears, stood with +her head bowed upon her breast. She rarely looked at the coffin, +yet whenever she did so her face expressed a sort of childish +fear. Katenka stood near her mother, and, despite her lengthened +face, looked as lovely as ever. Woloda's frank nature was frank +also in grief. He stood looking grave and as though he were +staring at some object with fixed eyes. Then suddenly his lips +would begin to quiver, and he would hastily make the sign of the +cross, and bend his head again. + +Such of those present as were strangers I found intolerable. In +fact, the phrases of condolence with which they addressed Papa +(such, for instance, as that "she is better off now" "she was +too good for this world," and so on) awakened in me something +like fury. What right had they to weep over or to talk about her? +Some of them, in referring to ourselves, called us "orphans"-- +just as though it were not a matter of common knowledge that +children who have lost their mother are known as orphans! +Probably (I thought) they liked to be the first to give us that +name, just as some people find pleasure in being the first to +address a newly-married girl as "Madame." + +In a far corner of the room, and almost hidden by the open door, +of the dining-room, stood a grey old woman with bent knees. With +hands clasped together and eyes lifted to heaven, she prayed +only--not wept. Her soul was in the presence of +God, and she was asking Him soon to reunite her to her whom she +had loved beyond all beings on this earth, and whom she +steadfastly believed that she would very soon meet again. + +"There stands one who SINCERELY loved her," I thought to myself, +and felt ashamed. + +The requiem was over. They uncovered the face of the deceased, +and all present except ourselves went to the coffin to give her +the kiss of farewell. + +One of the last to take leave of her departed mistress was a +peasant woman who was holding by the hand a pretty little girl of +five whom she had brought with her, God knows for what reason. +Just at a moment when I chanced to drop my wet handkerchief and +was stooping to pick it up again, a loud, piercing scream +startled me, and filled me with such terror that, were I to live +a hundred years more, I should never forget it. Even now the +recollection always sends a cold shudder through my frame. I +raised my head. Standing on the chair near the coffin was the +peasant woman, while struggling and fighting in her arms was the +little girl, and it was this same poor child who had screamed +with such dreadful, desperate frenzy as, straining her terrified +face away, she still, continued to gaze with dilated eyes at the +face of the corpse. I too screamed in a voice perhaps more +dreadful still, and ran headlong from the room. + +Only now did I understand the source of the strong, oppressive +smell which, mingling with the scent of the incense, filled the +chamber, while the thought that the face which, but a few days +ago, had been full of freshness and beauty--the face which I loved +more than anything else in all the world--was now capable of +inspiring horror at length revealed to me, as though for the +first time, the terrible truth, and filled my soul with despair. + +XXVIII + +SAD RECOLLECTIONS + +Mamma was no longer with us, but our life went on as usual. We +went to bed and got up at the same times and in the same rooms; +breakfast, luncheon, and supper continued to be at their usual +hours; everything remained standing in its accustomed place; +nothing in the house or in our mode of life was altered: only, +she was not there. + +Yet it seemed to me as though such a, misfortune ought to have +changed everything. Our old mode of life appeared like an insult +to her memory. It recalled too vividly her presence. + +The day before the funeral I felt as though I should like to rest +a little after luncheon, and accordingly went to Natalia +Savishna's room with the intention of installing myself +comfortably under the warm, soft down of the quilt on her bed. +When I entered I found Natalia herself lying on the bed and +apparently asleep, but, on hearing my footsteps, she raised +herself up, removed the handkerchief which had been protecting +her face from the flies, and, adjusting her cap, sat forward on +the edge of the bed. Since it frequently happened that I came to +lie down in her room, she guessed my errand at once, and said: + +"So you have come to rest here a little, have you? Lie down, +then, my dearest." + +"Oh, but what is the matter with you, Natalia Savishna?" I +exclaimed as I forced her back again. "I did not come for that. +No, you are tired yourself, so you LIE down." + +"I am quite rested now, darling," she said (though I knew that +it was many a night since she had closed her eyes). "Yes, I am +indeed, and have no wish to sleep again," she added with a deep +sigh. + +I felt as though I wanted to speak to her of our misfortune, +since I knew her sincerity and love, and thought that it would be +a consolation to me to weep with her. + +"Natalia Savishna," I said after a pause, as I seated myself +upon the bed, "who would ever have thought of this? " + +The old woman looked at me with astonishment, for she did not +quite understand my question. + +"Yes, who would ever have thought of it?" I repeated. + +"Ah, my darling," she said with a glance of tender compassion,
+"it is not only 'Who would ever have thought of it?' but 'Who, +even now, would ever believe it?' I am old, and my bones should +long ago have gone to rest rather than that I should have lived +to see the old master, your Grandpapa, of blessed memory, and +Prince Nicola Michaelovitch, and his two brothers, and your +sister Amenka all buried before me, though all younger than +myself--and now my darling, to my never-ending sorrow, gone home +before me! Yet it has been God's will. He took her away because +she was worthy to be taken, and because He has need of the good +ones." + +This simple thought seemed to me a consolation, and I pressed +closer to Natalia, She laid her hands upon my head as she looked +upward with eyes expressive of a deep, but resigned, sorrow. In +her soul was a sure and certain hope that God would not long +separate her from the one upon whom the whole strength of her +love had for many years been concentrated. + +"Yes, my dear," she went on, "it is a long time now since I +used to nurse and fondle her, and she used to call me Natasha. +She used to come jumping upon me, and caressing and kissing me, +and say, 'MY Nashik, MY darling, MY ducky,' and I used to answer +jokingly, 'Well, my love, I don't believe that you DO love me. +You will be a grown-up young lady soon, and going away to be +married, and will leave your Nashik forgotten.' Then she would +grow thoughtful and say, 'I think I had better not marry if my +Nashik cannot go with me, for I mean never to leave her.' Yet, +alas! She has left me now! Who was there in the world she did not +love? Yes, my dearest, it must never be POSSIBLE for you to +forget your Mamma. She was not a being of earth--she was an angel +from Heaven. When her soul has entered the heavenly kingdom she +will continue to love you and to be proud of you even there." + +"But why do you say 'when her soul has entered the heavenly +kingdom'?" I asked. "I believe it is there now." + +"No, my dearest," replied Natalia as she lowered her voice and +pressed herself yet closer to me, "her soul is still here," and +she pointed upwards. She spoke in a whisper, but with such an +intensity of conviction that I too involuntarily raised my eyes +and looked at the ceiling, as though expecting to see something +there. 'Before the souls of the just enter Paradise they have to +undergo forty trials for forty days, and during that time they +hover around their earthly home." [A Russian popular legend.] + +She went on speaking for some time in this strain--speaking with +the same simplicity and conviction as though she were relating +common things which she herself had witnessed, and to doubt which +could never enter into any one's head. I listened almost +breathlessly, and though I did not understand all she said, I +never for a moment doubted her word. + +"Yes, my darling, she is here now, and perhaps looking at us and +listening to what we are saying," concluded Natalia. Raising her +head, she remained silent for a while. At length she wiped away +the tears which were streaming from her eyes, looked me straight +in the face, and said in a voice trembling with emotion: + +"Ah, it is through many trials that God is leading me to Him. +Why, indeed, am I still here? Whom have I to live for? Whom have +I to love?" + +"Do you not love US, then?" I asked sadly, and half-choking +with my tears. + +"Yes, God knows that I love you, my darling; but to love any one +as I loved HER--that I cannot do." + +She could say no more, but turned her head aside and wept +bitterly. As for me, I no longer thought of going to sleep, but +sat silently with her and mingled my tears with hers. + +Presently Foka entered the room, but, on seeing our emotion and +not wishing to disturb us, stopped short at the door. + +"Do you want anything, my good Foka?" asked Natalia as she +wiped away her tears. + +"If you please, half-a-pound of currants, four pounds of sugar, +and three pounds of rice for the kutia." [Cakes partaken of by +the mourners at a Russian funeral.] + +"Yes, in one moment," said Natalia as she took a pinch of snuff +and hastened to her drawers. All traces of the grief, aroused by +our conversation disappeared on, the instant that she had duties +to fulfil, for she looked upon those duties as of paramount +importance. + +"But why FOUR pounds?" she objected as she weighed the sugar on +a steelyard. "Three and a half would be sufficient," and she +withdrew a few lumps. "How is it, too, that, though I weighed +out eight pounds of rice yesterday, more is wanted now? No +offence to you, Foka, but I am not going to waste rice like that. +I suppose Vanka is glad that there is confusion in the house just +now, for he thinks that nothing will be looked after, but I am +not going to have any careless extravagance with my master's +goods. Did one ever hear of such a thing? Eight pounds!" + +"Well, I have nothing to do with it. He says it is all gone, +that's all." + +"Hm, hm! Well, there it is. Let him take it." + +I was struck by the sudden transition from the touching +sensibility with which she had just been speaking to me to this +petty reckoning and captiousness. Yet, thinking it over +afterwards, I recognised that it was merely because, in spite of +what was lying on her heart, she retained the habit of duty, and +that it was the strength of that habit which enabled her to +pursue her functions as of old. Her grief was too strong and too +true to require any pretence of being unable to fulfil trivial +tasks, nor would she have understood that any one could so +pretend. Vanity is a sentiment so entirely at variance with +genuine grief, yet a sentiment so inherent in human nature, that +even the most poignant sorrow does not always drive it wholly +forth. Vanity mingled with grief shows itself in a desire to be +recognised as unhappy or resigned; and this ignoble desire--an +aspiration which, for all that we may not acknowledge it is +rarely absent, even in cases of the utmost affliction--takes off +greatly from the force, the dignity, and the sincerity of grief. +Natalia Savishna had been so sorely smitten by her misfortune +that not a single wish of her own remained in her soul--she went +on living purely by habit. + +Having handed over the provisions to Foka, and reminded him of +the refreshments which must be ready for the priests, she took up +her knitting and seated herself by my side again. The +conversation reverted to the old topic, and we once more mourned +and shed tears together. These talks with Natalia I repeated +every day, for her quiet tears and words of devotion brought me +relief and comfort. Soon, however, a parting came. Three days +after the funeral we returned to Moscow, and I never saw her +again. + +Grandmamma received the sad tidings only on our return to her +house, and her grief was extraordinary. At first we were not +allowed to see her, since for a whole week she was out of her +mind, and the doctors were afraid for her life. Not only did she +decline all medicine whatsoever, but she refused to speak to +anybody or to take nourishment, and never closed her eyes m +sleep. Sometimes, as she sat alone in the arm-chair in her room, +she would begin laughing and crying at the same time, with a sort +of tearless grief, or else relapse into convulsions, and scream +out dreadful, incoherent words in a horrible voice. It was the +first dire sorrow which she had known in her life, and it reduced +her almost to distraction. She would begin accusing first one +person, and then another, of bringing this misfortune upon her, +and rail at and blame them with the most extraordinary virulence, +Finally she would rise from her arm-chair, pace the room for a +while, and end by falling senseless to the floor. + +Once, when I went to her room, she appeared to be sitting quietly +in her chair, yet with an air which struck me as curious. Though +her eyes were wide open, their glance was vacant and meaningless, +and she seemed to gaze in my direction without seeing me. +Suddenly her lips parted slowly in a smile, and she said in a +touchingly, tender voice: "Come here, then, my dearest one; come +here, my angel." Thinking that it was myself she was addressing, +I moved towards her, but it was not I whom she was beholding at +that moment. "Oh, my love," she went on. "if only you could +know how distracted I have been, and how delighted I am to see +you once more!" I understood then that she believed herself to +be looking upon Mamma, and halted where I was. "They told me you +were gone," she concluded with a frown; "but what nonsense! As +if you could die before ME!" and she laughed a terrible, +hysterical laugh. + +Only those who can love strongly can experience an overwhelming +grief. Yet their very need of loving sometimes serves to throw +off their grief from them and to save them. The moral nature of +man is more tenacious of life than the physical, and grief never +kills. + +After a time Grandmamma's power of weeping came back to her, and +she began to recover. Her first thought when her reason returned +was for us children, and her love for us was greater than ever. +We never left her arm-chair, and she would talk of Mamma, and +weep softly, and caress us. + +Nobody who saw her grief could say that it was consciously +exaggerated, for its expression was too strong and touching; yet +for some reason or another my sympathy went out more to Natalia +Savishna, and to this day I am convinced that nobody loved and +regretted Mamma so purely and sincerely as did that simple- +hearted, affectionate being. + +With Mamma's death the happy time of my childhood came to an end, +and a new epoch--the epoch of my boyhood--began; but since my +memories of Natalia Savishna (who exercised such a strong and +beneficial influence upon the bent of my mind and the development +of my sensibility) belong rather to the first period, I will add +a few words about her and her death before closing this portion +of my life. + +I heard later from people in the village that, after our return +to Moscow, she found time hang very heavy on her hands. Although +the drawers and shelves were still under her charge, and she +never ceased to arrange and rearrange them--to take things out and +to dispose of them afresh--she sadly missed the din and bustle of +the seignorial mansion to which she had been accustomed from her +childhood up. Consequently grief, the alteration in her mode of +life, and her lack of activity soon combined to develop in her a +malady to which she had always been more or less subject. + +Scarcely more than a year after Mamma's death dropsy showed +itself, and she took to her bed. I can imagine how sad it must +have been for her to go on living--still more, to die--alone in +that great empty house at Petrovskoe, with no relations or any +one near her. Every one there esteemed and loved her, but she had +formed no intimate friendships in the place, and was rather proud +of the fact. That was because, enjoying her master's confidence +as she did, and having so much property under her care, she +considered that intimacies would lead to culpable indulgence and +condescension, Consequently (and perhaps, also, because she had +nothing really in common with the other servants) she kept them +all at a distance, and used to say that she "recognised neither +kinsman nor godfather in the house, and would permit of no +exceptions with regard to her master's property." + +Instead, she sought and found consolation in fervent prayers to +God. Yet sometimes, in those moments of weakness to which all of +us are subject, and when man's best solace is the tears and +compassion of his fellow-creatures, she would take her old dog +Moska on to her bed, and talk to it, and weep softly over it as +it answered her caresses by licking her hands, with its yellow +eyes fixed upon her. When Moska began to whine she would say as +she quieted it: "Enough, enough! I know without thy telling me +that my time is near." A month before her death she took out of +her chest of drawers some fine white calico, white cambric, and +pink ribbon, and, with the help of the maidservants, fashioned +the garments in which she wished to be buried. Next she put +everything on her shelves in order and handed the bailiff an +inventory which she had made out with scrupulous accuracy. All +that she kept back was a couple of silk gowns, an old shawl, and +Grandpapa's military uniform--things which had been presented to +her absolutely, and which, thanks to her care and orderliness, +were in an excellent state of preservation--particularly the +handsome gold embroidery on the uniform. + +Just before her death, again, she expressed a wish that one of +the gowns (a pink one) should be made into a robe de chambre for +Woloda; that the other one (a many-coloured gown) should be made +into a similar garment for myself; and that the shawl should go +to Lubotshka. As for the uniform, it was to devolve either to +Woloda or to myself, according as the one or the other of us +should first become an officer. All the rest of her property +(save only forty roubles, which she set aside for her +commemorative rites and to defray the costs of her burial) was to +pass to her brother, a person with whom, since he lived a +dissipated life in a distant province, she had had no intercourse +during her lifetime. When, eventually, he arrived to claim the +inheritance, and found that its sum-total only amounted to +twenty-five roubles in notes, he refused to believe it, and +declared that it was impossible that his sister-a woman who for +sixty years had had sole charge in a wealthy house, as well as +all her life had been penurious and averse to giving away even +the smallest thing should have left no more: yet it was a fact. + +Though Natalia's last illness lasted for two months, she bore her +sufferings with truly Christian fortitude. Never did she fret or +complain, but, as usual, appealed continually to God. An hour +before the end came she made her final confession, received the +Sacrament with quiet joy, and was accorded extreme unction. Then +she begged forgiveness of every one in the house for any wrong +she might have done them, and requested the priest to send us +word of the number of times she had blessed us for our love of +her, as well as of how in her last moments she had implored our +forgiveness if, in her ignorance, she had ever at any time given +us offence. "Yet a thief have I never been. Never have I used so +much as a piece of thread that was not my own." Such was the one +quality which she valued in herself. + +Dressed in the cap and gown prepared so long beforehand, and with +her head resting, upon the cushion made for the purpose, she +conversed with the priest up to the very last moment, until, +suddenly, recollecting that she had left him nothing for the +poor, she took out ten roubles, and asked him to distribute them +in the parish. Lastly she made the sign of the cross, lay down, +and expired--pronouncing with a smile of joy the name of the +Almighty. + +She quitted life without a pang, and, so far from fearing death, +welcomed it as a blessing. How often do we hear that said, and +how seldom is it a reality! Natalia Savishna had no reason to +fear death for the simple reason that she died in a sure and +certain faith and in strict obedience to the commands of the +Gospel. Her whole life had been one of pure, disinterested love, +of utter self-negation. Had her convictions been of a more +enlightened order, her life directed to a higher aim, would that +pure soul have been the more worthy of love and reverence? She +accomplished the highest and best achievement in this world: she +died without fear and without repining. + +They buried her where she had wished to lie--near the little +mausoleum which still covers Mamma's tomb. The little mound +beneath which she sleeps is overgrown with nettles and burdock, +and surrounded by a black railing, but I never forget, when +leaving the mausoleum, to approach that railing, and to salute +the, plot of earth within by bowing reverently to the ground. + +Sometimes, too, I stand thoughtfully between the railing and the +mausoleum, and sad memories pass through my mind. Once the idea +came to me as I stood there: "Did Providence unite me to those +two beings solely in order to make me regret them my life long?" + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Childhood, by Leo Tolstoy/Tolstoi + diff --git a/old/chldh10.zip b/old/chldh10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1b88c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/chldh10.zip |