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diff --git a/21415.txt b/21415.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..69c8d43 --- /dev/null +++ b/21415.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2267 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's Plan, by +Daisy Ashford + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's Plan + +Author: Daisy Ashford + +Release Date: May 11, 2007 [EBook #21415] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YOUNG VISITERS *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David T. Jones and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + +[Illustration: THE AUTHOR] + + +THE +YOUNG VISITERS +OR, MR SALTEENA'S PLAN + +BY + +DAISY ASHFORD + +WITH A PREFACE BY +J. M. BARRIE + +NEW YORK +GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY + + +_Copyright_, 1919, +_By George H. Doran Company_ + +_Printed in the United States of America_ + + + + +[Pg v] +PREFACE + + +The "owner of the copyright" guarantees that "The Young Visiters" is +the unaided effort in fiction of an authoress of nine years. "Effort," +however, is an absurd word to use, as you may see by studying the +triumphant countenance of the child herself, which is here reproduced +as frontispiece to her sublime work. This is no portrait of a writer +who had to burn the oil at midnight (indeed there is documentary +evidence that she was hauled off to bed every evening at six): it has +an air of careless power; there is a complacency about it that by the +severe might perhaps be called smugness. It needed no effort for that +face to knock off a masterpiece. It probably represents precisely how +she looked when she finished a chapter. When she was actually at work +I think the expression [Pg vi] was more solemn, with the tongue firmly +clenched between the teeth; an unholy rapture showing as she drew near +her love chapter. Fellow-craftsmen will see that she is looking +forward to this chapter all the time. + +The manuscript is in pencil in a stout little note book (twopence), +and there it has lain for years, for though the authoress was nine +when she wrote it she is now a grown woman. It has lain, in lavender +as it were, in the dumpy note book, waiting for a publisher to ride +that way and rescue it; and here he is at last, not a bit afraid that +to this age it may appear "Victorian." Indeed if its pictures of High +Life are accurate (as we cannot doubt, the authoress seems always so +sure of her facts) they had a way of going on in those times which is +really surprising. Even the grand historical figures were free and +easy, such as King Edward, of whom we have perhaps the most human +picture ever penned, as he appears at a levee "rather sumshiously," in +a "small [Pg vii] but costly crown," and afterwards slips away to tuck +into ices. It would seem in particular that we are oddly wrong in our +idea of the young Victorian lady as a person more shy and shrinking than +the girl of to-day. The Ethel of this story is a fascinating creature +who would have a good time wherever there were a few males, but no +longer could she voyage through life quite so jollily without +attracting the attention of the censorious. Chaperon seems to be one +of the very few good words of which our authoress had never heard. + +The lady she had grown into, the "owner of the copyright" already +referred to, gives me a few particulars of this child she used to be, +and is evidently a little scared by her. We should probably all be a +little scared (though proud) if that portrait was dumped down in front +of us as ours, and we were asked to explain why we once thought so +much of ourselves as that. + +Except for the smirk on her face, all I can learn of her now is that +she was one of [Pg viii] a small family who lived in the country, invented +their own games, dodged the governess and let the rest of the world go +hang. She read everything that came her way, including, as the context +amply proves, the grown-up novels of the period. "I adored writing and +used to pray for bad weather, so that I need not go out but could stay +in and write." Her mother used to have early tea in bed; sometimes +visitors came to the house, when there was talk of events in high +society: there was mention of places called Hampton Court, the Gaiety +Theatre and the "Crystale" Palace. This is almost all that is now +remembered, but it was enough for the blazing child. She sucked her +thumb for a moment (this is guesswork), and sat down to her amazing +tale. + +"Her mother used to have early tea in bed." Many authors must have had +a similar experience, but they all missed the possibilities of it +until this young woman came along. It thrilled her; and tea in [Pg ix] +bed at last takes its proper place in fiction. "Mr Salteena woke +up rarther early next day and was delighted to find Horace the footman +entering with a cup of tea. Oh thank you my man said Mr Salteena +rolling over in the costly bed. Mr Clark is nearly out of the bath sir +announced Horace I will have great pleasure in turning it on for you +if such is your desire. Well yes you might said Mr Salteena seeing it +was the idear." Mr Salteena cleverly conceals his emotion, but as soon +as he is alone he rushes to Ethel's door, "I say said Mr Salteena +excitedly I have had some tea in bed." + +"Sometimes visitors came to the house." Nothing much in that to us, +but how consummately this child must have studied them; if you +consider what she knew of them before the "viacle" arrived to take +them back to the station you will never dare to spend another week-end +in a house where there may be a novelist of nine years. I am sure that +when you left your bedroom this child stole in, examined everything +[Pg x] and summed you up. She was particularly curious about the articles +on your dressing-table, including the little box containing a reddish +powder, and she never desisted from watching you till she caught you +dabbing it on your cheeks. This powder, which she spells "ruge," went +a little to her head, and it accompanies Ethel on her travels with +superb effect. For instance, she is careful to put it on to be +proposed to; and again its first appearance is excused in words that +should henceforth be serviceable in every boudoir. "I shall put some +red ruge on my face said Ethel becouse I am very pale owing to the +drains in this house." + +Those who read will see how the rooms in Hampton Court became the +"compartments" in the "Crystale" Palace, and how the "Gaierty" Hotel +grew out of the Gaiety Theatre, with many other agreeable changes. The +novelist will find the tale a model for his future work. How +incomparably, for instance, the authoress dives [Pg xi] into her story +at once. How cunningly throughout she keeps us on the hooks of suspense, +jumping to Mr Salteena when we are in a quiver about Ethel, and +turning to Ethel when we are quite uneasy about Mr Salteena. This +authoress of nine is flirting with her readers all the time. Her mind +is such a rich pocket that as she digs in it (her head to the side and +her tongue well out) she sends up showers of nuggets. There seldom +probably was a novelist with such an uncanny knowledge of his +characters as she has of Mr Salteena. The first line of the tale +etches him for all time: "Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and +fond of asking people to stay with him." On the next page Salteena +draws a touching picture of himself in a letter accepting an +invitation: "I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of +digging in the garden and I am parshal to ladies if they are nice I +suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but you would +hardly notice it but can't be helped anyhow." [Pg xii] "When the great +morning arrived Mr Salteena did not have an egg for his breakfast in +case he should be sick on the journey." For my part I love Mr Salteena, +who has a touch of Hamlet, and I wished up to the end that Ethel would +make him happy, though I never had much hope after I read the +description of Bernard Clark's legs. + +It is not to be wondered at that Mr Salteena soon grew "rarther +jellous" of Bernard, who showed off from the first. "My own room is +next the bathroom said Bernard it is decerated dark red as I have +somber tastes. The bathroom has got a tip up basin." Thus was Mr +Salteena put in his place, and there the cruel authoress (with her +tongue farther out than ever) doggedly keeps him. "After dinner Ethel +played some merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with a +rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal. +Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle." No wonder +Mr Salteena went gloomily to bed, not to [Pg xiii] sleep, but to think +out the greater riddle of how to become a gentleman, with which +triumphant adventure the book is largely concerned. + +To many the most instructive part of the story will be the chapter +entitled "Bernard's Idear." Bernard's "idear" (warmly acclaimed by +Ethel) is that she and he should go up to London "for a few weeks +gaierty." Something of the kind has often been done in fiction and in +guide-books, but never probably in such a hearty way as here. Arrived +at the "Gaierty" Hotel Bernard pokes his head into the "window of the +pay desk. Have you a couple of bedrooms for self and young lady he +enquired in a lordly way." He is told that they have two beauties. +"Thank you said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection. None +whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the view +quite pleasant. Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh. +Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile." He decides gallantly [Pg xiv] +that the larger room shall be hers. "I shall be quite lost in that +large bed," Ethel says. "Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now +what about a little table d'ote followed by a theatre?" + +Bernard's proposal should be carried in the pocket of all future +swains. He decides "whilst imbibing his morning tea beneath the pink +silken quilt," that to propose in London would not be the "correct +idear." He springs out of bed and knocks at Ethel's door. "Are you up +my dear? he called. Well not quite said Ethel hastily jumping from her +downy nest." He explains his "idear." "Oh hurrah shouted Ethel I shall +soon be ready as I had my bath last night so won't wash very much +now." + +They go up the river in a boat, and after they had eaten and "drunk +deeply of the charming viands ending up with merangs and chocklates," +Bernard says "in a passionate voice Let us now bask under the +spreading trees. Oh yes lets said Ethel." "Ethel he murmered in a +trembly voice. [Pg xv] Oh what is it said Ethel." What it was (as well +she knew) was love eternal. Ethel accepts him, faints and is brought back +to life by a clever "idear" of Bernard's, who pours water on her. "She +soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile. Take me back to the +'Gaierty' Hotel she whispered faintly. With pleasure my darling said +Bernard I will just pack up our viands ere I unloose the boat. Ethel +felt better after a few drops of champaigne and began to tidy her hair +while Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm they +tottered to the boat, I trust you have not got an illness my darling +murmured Bernard as he helped her in, Oh no I am very strong said +Ethel I fainted from joy she added to explain matters. Oh I see said +Bernard handing her a cushion well some people do he added kindly." + +"So I will end my chapter," the authoress says; and we can picture her +doing it complacently, and slowly pulling in her tongue. + +Ethel was married in the Abbey. Her [Pg xvi] wedding dress was "a rich +satin with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a long +train edged with Airum lillies." "You will indeed be a charming +spectacle my darling gasped Bernard as they left the shop," and I have +no doubt she was. She got many delightful presents, the nicest of all +being from her father, who "provided a cheque for L2 and promised to +send her a darling little baby calf when ready." This is perhaps the +prettiest touch in the story and should make us all take off our hats +to the innocent wondering mind that thought of it. + +Poor Mr Salteena. He was at the wedding, dressed in black and crying +into his handkerchief. However he recovered to an extent and married +Another and had ten children, "five of each," none of them of course +equal to Ethel's children, of whom in a remarkably short time there +were seven, which the authoress evidently considers to be the right +"idear." + +It seems to me to be a remarkable work [Pg xviii] for a child, remarkable +even in its length and completeness, for when children turn author they +usually stop in the middle, like the kitten when it jumps. The +pencilled MS. has been accurately reproduced, not a word added or cut +out. Each chapter being in one long paragraph, however, this has been +subdivided for the reader's comfort. + J. M. BARRIE. + + + + +[Pg xix] +CONTENTS + + +CHAPTER PAGE + + 1 Quite a Young Girl 23 + + 2 Starting Gaily 27 + + 3 The First Evening 36 + + 4 Mr. Salteenas Plan 41 + + 5 The Crystal Palace 45 + + 6 High Life 59 + + 7 Bernards Idear 74 + + 8 A Gay Call 79 + + 9 A Proposale 88 + + 10 Preparing for the Fray 95 + + 11 The Wedding 99 + + 12 How It Ended 102 + + + + +THE YOUNG VISITERS + + + + +[Pg 23] +The Young Visiters + + + + +CHAPTER 1 + +QUITE A YOUNG GIRL + + +Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and was fond of asking peaple to +stay with him. He had quite a young girl staying with him of 17 named +Ethel Monticue. Mr Salteena had dark short hair and mustache and +wiskers which were very black and twisty. He was middle sized and he +had very pale blue eyes. He had a pale brown suit but on Sundays he +had a black one and he had a topper every day as he thorght it more +becoming. Ethel Monticue had fair hair done on the top and blue eyes. +She had a blue velvit frock which had grown rarther short in the +sleeves. She had a black straw hat and kid gloves. + +[Pg 24] +One morning Mr Salteena came down to brekfast and found Ethel had come +down first which was strange. Is the tea made Ethel he said rubbing +his hands. Yes said Ethel and such a quear shaped parcel has come for +you Yes indeed it was a quear shape parcel it was a hat box tied down +very tight and a letter stuffed between the string. Well well said Mr +Salteena parcels do turn quear I will read the letter first and so +saying he tore open the letter and this is what it said + + My dear Alfred. + + I want you to come for a stop with me so I have sent you a top hat + wraped up in tishu paper inside the box. Will you wear it staying + with me because it is very uncommon. Please bring one of your young + ladies whichever is the prettiest in the face. + + I remain Yours truely + Bernard Clark. + +[Pg 25] +Well said Mr Salteena I shall take you to stay Ethel and fancy him +sending me a top hat. Then Mr S. opened the box and there lay the most +splendid top hat of a lovly rich tone rarther like grapes with a +ribbon round compleat. + +Well said Mr Salteena peevishly I dont know if I shall like it the bow +of the ribbon is too flighty for my age. Then he sat down and eat the +egg which Ethel had so kindly laid for him. After he had finished his +meal he got down and began to write to Bernard Clark he ran up stairs +on his fat legs and took out his blotter with a loud sniff and this is +what he wrote + + My dear Bernard + + Certinly I shall come and stay with you next Monday I will bring + Ethel Monticue commonly called Miss M. She is very active and + pretty. I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of + digging in the garden and I am parshial to ladies if [Pg 26] they + are nice I suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but + you would hardly notice it but cant be helped anyhow. We will come + by the 3-15. + + Your old and valud friend + Alfred Salteena. + +Perhaps my readers will be wondering why Bernard Clark had asked Mr +Salteena to stay with him. He was a lonely man in a remote spot and he +liked peaple and partys but he did not know many. What rot muttered +Bernard Clark as he read Mr Salteenas letter. He was rarther a +presumshious man. + +[Illustration: THE FIRST PAGE OF THE ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPT] + + + + +[Pg 27] +CHAPTER 2 + +STARTING GAILY + + +When the great morning came Mr Salteena did not have an egg for his +brekfast in case he should be sick on the jorney. + +What top hat will you wear asked Ethel. + +I shall wear my best black and my white alpacka coat to keep off the +dust and flies replied Mr Salteena. + +I shall put some red ruge on my face said Ethel because I am very pale +owing to the drains in this house. + +You will look very silly said Mr Salteena with a dry laugh. + +Well so will you said Ethel in a snappy tone and she ran out of the +room with a very superier run throwing out her legs behind and her +arms swinging in rithum. + +[Pg 28] +Well said the owner of the house she has a most idiotick run. + +Presently Ethel came back in her best hat and a lovly velvit coat of +royal blue. Do I look nice in my get up she asked. + +Mr Salteena survayed her. You look rarther rash my dear your colors +dont quite match your face but never mind I am just going up to say +goodbye to Rosalind the housemaid. + +Well dont be long said Ethel. Mr S. skipped upstairs to Rosalinds +room. Goodbye Rosalind he said I shall be back soon and I hope I shall +enjoy myself. + +I make no doubt of that sir said Rosalind with a blush as Mr Salteena +silently put 2/6 on the dirty toilet cover. + +Take care of your bronkitis said Mr S. rarther bashfully and he +hastilly left the room waving his hand carelessly to the housemaid. + +Come along cried Ethel powdering her nose in the hall let us get into +the cab. Mr [Pg 29] Salteena did not care for powder but he was an +unselfish man so he dashed into the cab. Sit down said Ethel as the +cabman waved his whip you are standing on my luggage. Well I am paying +for the cab said Mr S. so I might be allowed to put my feet were I like. + +They traveled 2nd class in the train and Ethel was longing to go first +but thought perhaps least said soonest mended. Mr Salteena got very +excited in the train about his visit. Ethel was calm but she felt +excited inside. Bernard has a big house said Mr. S. gazing at Ethel he +is inclined to be rich. + +Oh indeed said Ethel looking at some cows flashing past the window. +Mr. S. felt rarther disheartened so he read the paper till the train +stopped and the porters shouted Rickamere station. We had better +collect our traps said Mr Salteena and just then a very exalted +footman in a cocked hat and olive green uniform put his head in [Pg 30] +at the window. Are you for Rickamere Hall he said in impressive tones. + +Well yes I am said Mr Salteena and so is this lady. + +Very good sir said the noble footman if you will alight I will see to +your luggage there is a convayance awaiting you. + +Oh thankyou thankyou said Mr. S. and he and Ethel stepped along the +platform. Outside they found a lovely cariage lined with olive green +cushons to match the footman and the horses had green bridles and bows +on their manes and tails. They got gingerly in. Will he bring our +luggage asked Ethel nervously. + +I expect so said Mr Salteena lighting a very long cigar. + +Do we tip him asked Ethel quietly. + +Well no I dont think so not yet we had better just thank him +perlitely. + +Just then the footman staggered out with the bagage. Ethel bowed +gracefully over the door of the cariage and Mr S. waved his [Pg 31] hand +as each bit of luggage was hoisted up to make sure it was all there. +Then he said thankyou my good fellow very politely. Not at all sir said +the footman and touching his cocked hat he jumped actively to the box. + +I was right not to tip him whispered Mr Salteena the thing to do is to +leave 2/6 on your dressing table when your stay is over. + +Does he find it asked Ethel who did not really know at all how to go +on at a visit. I beleeve so replied Mr Salteena anyhow it is quite the +custom and we cant help it if he does not. Now my dear what do you +think of the sceenery + +Very nice said Ethel gazing at the rich fur rug on her knees. Just +then the cariage rolled into a beautifull drive with tall trees and +big red flowers growing amid shiny dark leaves. Presently the haughty +coachman pulled up with a great clatter at a huge front door with tall +pillers each side a big iron bell and two very clean scrapers. The +doors flung open as if by majic causing [Pg 32] Ethel to jump and a portly +butler appeared on the scene with a very shiny shirt front and a huge +pale face. Welcome sir he exclaimed good naturedly as Mr Salteena +alighted rarther quickly from the viacle and please to step inside. + +Mr Salteena stepped in as bid followed by Ethel. The footman again +struggled with the luggage and the butler Francis Minnit by name +kindly lent a hand. The hall was very big and hung round with guns and +mate and ancesters giving it a gloomy but a grand air. The butler then +showed them down a winding corridoor till he came to a door which he +flung open shouting Mr Salteena and a lady sir. + +A tall man of 29 rose from the sofa. He was rarther bent in the middle +with very nice long legs fairish hair and blue eyes. Hullo Alf old boy +he cried so you have got here all safe and no limbs broken. + +None thankyou Bernard replied Mr Salteena shaking hands and let me +introduce [Pg 33] Miss Monticue she is very pleased to come for this +visit. Oh yes gasped Ethel blushing through her red ruge. Bernard looked +at her keenly and turned a dark red. I am glad to see you he said I hope +you will enjoy it but I have not arranged any partys yet as I dont +know anybody. + +Dont worry murmered Ethel I dont mix much in Socierty and she gave him +a dainty smile. + +I expect you would like some tea said Bernard I will ring. + +Yes indeed we should said Mr Salteena egerly. Bernard pealed on the +bell and the butler came in with a stately walk. + +Tea please Minnit crid Bernard Clark. With pleshure sir replied Minnit +with a deep bow. A glorious tea then came in on a gold tray two kinds +of bread and butter a lovly jam role and lots of sugar cakes. Ethels +eyes began to sparkle and she made several remarks during the meal. I +expect [Pg 34] you would now like to unpack said Bernard when it was over. + +Well yes that is rarther an idear said Mr Salteena. + +I have given the best spare room to Miss Monticue said Bernard with a +gallant bow and yours turning to Mr Salteena opens out of it so you +will be nice and friendly both the rooms have big windows and a +handsome view. + +How charming said Ethel. Yes well let us go up replied Bernard and he +led the way up many a winding stairway till they came to an oak door +with some lovly swans and bull rushes painted on it. Here we are he +cried gaily. Ethels room was indeed a handsome compartment with purple +silk curtains and a 4 post bed draped with the same shade. The toilit +set was white and mouve and there were some violets in a costly varse. +Oh I say cried Ethel in supprise. I am glad you like it said Bernard +and here we have yours Alf. He opened [Pg 35] the dividing doors and +portrayed a smaller but dainty room all in pale yellow and wild +primroses. My own room is next the bath room said Bernard it is +decerated dark red as I have somber tastes. The bath room has got a +tip up bason and a hose thing for washing your head. + +A good notion said Mr Salteena who was secretly getting jellus. + +Here we will leave our friends to unpack and end this Chapter. + + + + +[Pg 36] +CHAPTER 3 + +THE FIRST EVENING + + +When they had unpacked Mr Salteena and Ethel went downstairs to +dinner. Mr Salteena had put on a compleat evening suit as he thought +it was the correct idear and some ruby studs he had got at a sale. +Ethel had on a dress of yellaw silk covered with tulle which was quite +in the fashion and she had on a necklace which Mr Salteena gave her +for a birthday present. She looked very becomeing and pretty and +Bernard heaved a sigh as he gave her his arm to go into dinner. The +butler Minnit was quite ready for the fray standing up very stiff and +surrounded by two footmen in green plush and curly white wigs who were +called Charles and Horace. + +Well said Mr Salteena lapping up his [Pg 37] turtle soup you have a +very sumpshous house Bernard. + +His friend gave a weary smile and swollowed a few drops of sherry +wine. It is fairly decent he replied with a bashful glance at Ethel +after our repast I will show you over the premisis. + +Many thanks said Mr Salteena getting rarther flustered with his forks. + +You ourght to give a ball remarked Ethel you have such large +compartments. + +Yes there is room enough sighed Bernard we might try a few steps and +meanwhile I might get to know a few peaple. + +So you might responded Ethel giving him a speaking look. + +Mr Salteena was growing a little peevish but he cheered up when the +Port wine came on the table and the butler put round some costly +finger bowls. He did not have any in his own house and he followed +Bernard Clarks advice as to what to do with them. After dinner Ethel +played some [Pg 38] merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with +a rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal. +Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle. Then +Bernard said shall I show you over my domain and they strolled into +the gloomy hall. + +I see you have a lot of ancesters said Mr Salteena in a jelous tone, +who are they. + +Well said Bernard they are all quite correct. This is my aunt Caroline +she was rarther exentrick and quite old. + +So I see said Mr Salteena and he passed on to a lady with a very tight +waist and quearly shaped. That is Mary Ann Fudge my grandmother I +think said Bernard she was very well known in her day. + +Why asked Ethel who was rarther curious by nature. + +Well I dont quite know said Bernard but she was and he moved away to +the next picture. It was of a man with a fat smiley face and a red +ribbon round him and a lot [Pg 39] of medals. My great uncle Ambrose +Fudge said Bernard carelessly. + +He looks a thourough ancester said Ethel kindly. + +Well he was said Bernard in a proud tone he was really the Sinister +son of Queen Victoria. + +Not really cried Ethel in excited tones but what does that mean. + +Well I dont quite know said Bernard Clark it puzzles me very much but +ancesters do turn quear at times. + +Peraps it means god son said Mr Salteena in an inteligent voice. + +Well I dont think so said Bernard but I mean to find out. + +It is very grand anyhow said Ethel. + +It is that replied her host geniully. + +Who is this said Mr Salteena halting at a picture of a lady holding up +some grapes and smiling a good deal. + +Her name was called Minnie Pilato responded Bernard she was rarther +far back [Pg 40] but a real relation and she was engaged to the earl of +Tullyvarden only it did not quite come off. + +What a pity crid Ethel. + +Yes it was rarther replied Bernard but she marrid a Captain in the +Navy and had seven children so she was quite alright. + +Here Mr Salteena thourght he had better go to bed as he had had a long +jornney. Bernard always had a few prayers in the hall and some whiskey +afterwards as he was rarther pious but Mr Salteena was not very +adicted to prayers so he marched up to bed. Ethel stayed as she +thourght it would be a good thing. The butler came in as he was a very +holy man and Bernard piously said the Our Father and a very good hymm +called I will keep my anger down and a Decad of the Rosary. Ethel +chimed in quiutly and Francis Minnit was most devout and Ethel +thourght what a good holy family she was stopping with. So I will end +my chapter. + + + + +[Pg 41] +CHAPTER 4 + +MR SALTEENAS PLAN + + +Mr Salteena woke up rarther early next day and was supprised and +delighted to find Horace the footman entering with a cup of tea. + +Oh thankyou my man said Mr Salteena rolling over in the costly bed. Mr +Clark is nearly out of the bath sir anounced Horace I will have great +plesure in turning it on for you if such is your desire. Well yes you +might said Mr Salteena seeing it was the idear and Horace gave a +profound bow. + +Ethel are you getting up shouted Mr Salteena. + +Very nearly replied Ethel faintly from the next room. + +I say said Mr Salteena excitedly I have had some tea in bed. + +[Pg 42] +So have I replied Ethel. + +Then Mr Salteena got into a mouve dressing goun with yellaw tassles +and siezing his soap he wandered off to the bath room which was most +sumpshous. It had a lovly white shiny bath and sparkling taps and +several towels arrayed in readiness by thourghtful Horace. It also had +a step for climbing up the bath and other good dodges of a rich +nature. Mr Salteena washed himself well and felt very much better. +After brekfast Mr Salteena asked Bernard if he could have some privite +conversation with him. Well yes replied Bernard if you will come into +my study we can have a few words. + +Cant I come too muttered Ethel sulkily. + +No my dear said Mr Salteena this is privite. + +Perhaps later I might have a privite chat with you Miss Monticue said +Bernard kindly. + +Oh do lets said Ethel. + +[Pg 43] +Then Bernard and Mr S. strolled to the study and sat upon two arm +chairs. Fire away said Bernard lighting his pipe. Well I cant exactly +do that said Mr Salteena in slow tones it is a searious matter and you +can advise me as you are a thorugh gentleman I am sure. + +Well yes said Bernard what can I do for you eh Alf? + +You can help me perhaps to be more like a gentleman said Mr Salteena +getting rarther hot I am quite alright as they say but I would like to +be the real thing can it be done he added slapping his knees. + +I dont quite know said Bernard it might take a good time. + +Might it said Mr S. but I would slave for years if need be. Bernard +scratched his head. Why dont you try the Crystal Pallace he asked +several peaple Earls and even dukes have privite compartments there. + +But I am not an Earl said Mr Salteena in a purplexed tone. + +[Pg 44] +True replied Bernard but I understand there are sort of students there +who want to get into the War Office and notable banks. + +Would that be a help asked Mr Salteena egerly. + +Well it might said Bernard I can give you a letter to my old pal the +Earl of Clincham who lives there he might rub you up and by mixing +with him you would probably grow more seemly. + +Oh ten thousand thanks said Mr Salteena I will go there as soon as it +can be arranged if you would be so kind as to keep an eye on Ethel +while I am away. + +Oh yes said Bernard I may be running up to town for a few days and she +could come too. + +You are too kind said Mr Salteena and I dont think you will find her +any trouble. + +No I dont think I shall said Bernard she is a pretty girl cheerful and +active. And he blushed rarther red. + + + + +[Pg 45] +CHAPTER 5 + +THE CRYSTAL PALACE + + +About 9 oclock next morning Mr Salteena stood bag in hand in the +ancestle hall waiting for the viacle to convay him to the station. +Bernard Clark and Ethel were seated side by side on a costly sofa +gazing abstractly at the parting guest. Horace had dashed off to put +on his cocked hat as he was going in the baroushe but Francis Minnit +was roaming about the hall well prepared for any deed. + +Well said Bernard puffing at his meershum pipe I hope you will get on +Alf I am sure you have that little letter to old Clincham eh + +In deed I have said Mr Salteena many thanks for the same and I do hope +Ethel will behave properly. + +[Pg 46] +Oh yes I expect she will said Bernard with a sigh. + +I always do said Ethel in a snappy tone. + +Just then there was a great clatter outside and the sound of hoofs and +a loud neigh. The barouche I take it said Bernard rising slowly. + +Quite correct sir said Minnit flinging wide the portles. + +Well goodbye Alf old man said Bernard Clark good luck and God bless +you he added in a pius tone. + +Not at all said Mr Salteena I have enjoyed my stop which has been +short and sweet well goodbye Ethel my child he said as bag in hand he +proceeded to the door. Francis Minnit bowed low and handed a small +parcel to Mr Salteena a few sandwighs for the jorney sir he remarked. + +Oh this is most kind said Mr Salteena. + +Minnit closed his eyes with a tired smile. Not kind sir he muttered +quite usual. + +Oh really said Mr Salteena feeling rather [Pg 47] flabergasted well +goodbye my good fellow and he slipped 2/6 into the butlers open palm. + +Mr Salteena had to travel first class as active Horace ran on to buy +the ticket which he presented with a low bow the _Times_ and +_Tit-Bits_. Oh many thanks my man said Mr Salteena in a most airy +voice now will you find me a corner seat in the train eh. + +If there is one sir replied Horace. + +In got Mr Salteena to his first class carrage surrounded by his +luggage carefully piled up by kindly Horace. The other pasengers +looked full of envy at the curly white wig and green plush uniform of +Horace. Mr Salteena crossed his legs in a lordly way and flung a fur +rug over his knees though he was hot enough in all consciunce. He +began to feel this was the thin end of the partition and he smiled as +he gently tapped the letter in his coat tail pocket. When Mr Salteena +arrived in [Pg 48] London he began to strolle up the principle streets +thinking how gay all was. Presently he beheld a resterant with a big +Menu outside and he went boldly in. + +It was a sumpshous spot all done up in gold with plenty of looking +glasses. Many hansome ladies and gentlemen were already partaking of +choice food and rich wines and whiskey and the scene was most lively. +Mr Salteena had a little whiskey to make him feel more at home. Then +he eat some curry to the tune of a merry valse on the band. He beat +time to the music and smiled kindly at the waiters and he felt very +excited inside. I am seeing life with a vengance he muttered to +himself as he paid his bill at the desk. Outside Mr Salteena found a +tall policeman. Could you direct me to the Crystale Pallace if you +please said Mr Salteena nervously. + +Well said the geniul policeman my advice would be to take a cab sir. + +[Pg 49] +Oh would it said Mr Salteena then I will do so. + +He hailed a Hansome and got speedily in to the Crystal Palace he cried +gaily and holding his bag on his knees he prepared to enjoy the sights +of the Metropilis. It was a merry drive and all too soon the Palace +heaved in view. Mr Salteena sprang out and paid the man and then he +entered the wondrous edifice. His heart beat very fast as two huge men +in gold braid flung open the doors. Inside was a lovely fountain in +the middle and all round were little stalls where you could buy sweets +and lemonade also scent handkerchiefs and many dainty articles. There +were a lot of peaple but nobody very noteable. + +At last after buying two bottles of scent and some rarther nice sweets +which stuck to his teeth Mr Salteena beheld a wooden door on which was +nailed a notice saying To the Privite Compartments. + +Ah ha said Mr Salteena to himself this is [Pg 50] evidently my next move, +and he gently pushed open the door straitening his top hat as he did so. +Inside he found himself in a dimly lit passage with a thick and +handsom carpet. Mr Salteena gazed round and beheld in the gloom a very +superier gentleman in full evening dress who was reading a newspaper +and warming his hands on the hot water pipes. Mr Salteena advanced on +tiptoe and coughed gently as so far the gentleman had paid no +attention. However at the second cough he raised his eyes in a weary +fashion. do you want anything he asked in a most noble voice. + +Mr Salteena got very flustered. Well I am seeking the Earl of Clincham +he began in a trembly voice are you by any chance him he added most +respectfully. + +No not exacktly replied the other my name happens to be Edward +Procurio. I am half italian and I am the Groom of the Chambers. + +[Pg 51] +What chambers asked Mr Salteena blinking his eyes. + +These said Edward Procurio waving a thin arm. + +Mr Salteena then noticed several red doors with names of people on +each one. Oh I see he said then perhaps you can tell me where the Earl +of Clincham is to be found. + +At the end of the passage fourth door down said Procurio tritely of +course he may be out one never knows what they are up to. + +I suppose not said Mr Salteena in an interested tone. + +One can not gamble on anything really said Procurio returning to the +hot water pipes though of course I know a lot more than most peaple +about the inmates here. + +What are the habbits of the Earl of Clincham said Mr Salteena. + +Procurio gave a smile many and varius he replied I cant say much in my +position [Pg 52] but one lives and learns. He heaved a sigh and shruged +his shoulders. + +Well good day said Mr Salteena feeling better for the chat. + +Procurio nodded in silence as Mr Salteena trotted off down the +passage. At last he came to a door labelled Clincham Earl of in big +letters. With a beating heart Mr Salteena pulled the bell and the door +swung open of its own accord. At the same moment a cheery voice rang +out from the distance. Come in please I am in the study first door on +left. + +With a nervous bound Mr Salteena obeyd these directions and found +himself in a small but handsome compartment done in dark green lether +with crests on the chairs. Over the mantlepiece was hung the painting +of a lady in a low neck looking quite the thing. By the desk was +seated a tall man of 35 with very nice eyes of a twinkly nature and +curly hair he wore a quite plain suit of palest grey but well [Pg 53] +made and on the table reposed a grey top hat which had evidently been +on his head recently. He had a rose in his button hole also a signet +ring. + +Hullo said this pleasant fellow as Mr. Salteena was spell bound on +mat. + +Hullo your Lord Ship responded our hero bowing low and dropping his +top hat do I adress the Earl of Clincham. + +You do said the Earl with a homely smile and who do I adress eh. + +Our hero bowed again Alfred Salteena he said in deep tones. + +Oh I see said the kindly earl well come in my man and tell me who you +are. + +Mr Salteena seated himself gingerly on the edge of a crested chair. + +To tell you the truth my Lord I am not anyone of import and I am not a +gentleman as they say he ended getting very red and hot. + +Have some whiskey said lord Clincham and he poured the liquid into a +glass at his [Pg 54] elbow. Mr. Salteena lapped it up thankfully. + +Well my man said the good natured earl what I say is what dose it +matter we cant all be of the Blood royal can we. + +No said Mr Salteena but I suppose you are. + +Lord Clincham waved a careless hand. A small portion flows in my viens +he said but it dose not worry me at all and after all he added piously +at the Day of Judgement what will be the odds. + +Mr Salteena heaved a sigh. I was thinking of this world he said. + +Oh I see said the Earl but my own idear is that these things are as +piffle before the wind. + +Not being an earl I cant say answered our hero but may I beg you to +read this letter my Lord. He produced Bernards note from his coat +tails. The Earl of Clincham took it in his long fingers. This is what +he read. + +[Pg 55] + My dear Clincham + + The bearer of this letter is an old friend of mine not quite the + right side of the blanket as they say in fact he is the son of a + first rate butcher but his mother was a decent family called + Hyssopps of the Glen so you see he is not so bad and is desireus of + being the correct article. Could you rub him up a bit in Socierty + ways. I dont know much details about him but no doubt he will + supply all you need. I am keeping well and hope you are. I must run + up to the Compartments one day and look you up. + + Yours as ever your faithfull friend + Bernard Clark. + +The Earl gave a slight cough and gazed at Mr Salteena thourghtfully. + +Have you much money he asked and are you prepared to spend a good +deal. + +Oh yes quite gasped Mr Salteena I have plenty in the bank and L10 in +ready gold in my purse. + +[Pg 56] +You see these compartments are the haunts of the Aristockracy said the +earl and they are kept going by peaple who have got something funny in +their family and who want to be less mere if you can comprehend. + +Indeed I can said Mr Salteena. + +Personally I am a bit parshial to mere people said his Lordship but +the point is that we charge a goodly sum for our training here but +however if you cant pay you need not join. + +I can and will proclaimed Mr Salteena and he placed a L10 note on the +desk. His Lordship slipped it in his trouser pocket. It will be L42 +before I have done with you he said but you can pay me here and there +as convenient. + +Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena. + +Not at all said the Earl and now to bissness. While here you will live +in compartments in the basement known as Lower Range. You will get +many hints from the Groom of the Chambers as to clothes and [Pg 57] +ettiquett to menials. You will mix with me for grammer and I might take +you out hunting or shooting sometimes to give you a few tips. Also I +have lots of ladies partys which you will attend occasionally. + +Mr Salteenas eyes flashed with excitement. I shall enjoy that he +cried. + +His Lordship coughed loudly. You may not marry while under instruction +he said firmly. + +Oh I shall not need to thankyou said Mr Salteena. + +You must also decide on a profeshion said his Lordship as your +instruction will vary according. + +Could I be anything at Buckingham Pallace said Mr Salteena with +flashing eyes. + +Oh well I dont quite know said the noble earl but you might perhaps +gallopp beside the royal baroushe if you care to try. + +Oh indeed I should cried Mr Salteena I am very fond of fresh air and +royalties. + +Well said the earl with a knowing smile [Pg 58] I might arrange it with +the prince of Wales who I am rarther intimate with. + +Not really gasped Mr Salteena. + +Dear me yes remarked the earl carelessly and if we decide for you to +gallopp by the royal viacle you must be mesured for some plush +knickerbockers at once. + +Mr Salteena glanced at his rarther fat legs and sighed. + +Well I must go out now and call on a few Dowigers said his Lordship +picking up his elegent top hat. Well au revoir he added with a good +french accent. + +Adieu my Lord cried Mr Salteena not to be out done we meet anon I take +it. + +Not till tomorrow answered the earl you will now proceed to the lower +regions where you will no doubt find tea. He nodded kindly and glided +out in silence. + +Here I will end my chapter. + + + + +[Pg 59] +CHAPTER 6 + +HIGH LIFE + + +Mr Salteena awoke next morning in his small but pleasant room. It was +done in green and white with Monagrams on the toilit set. He had a +tiny white bed with a green quilt and a picture of the Nativaty and +one of Windsor Castle on the walls. The sun was shining over all these +things as Mr Salteena opened his sleepy eyes. Just then there was rat +tat on the door. Come in called Mr Salteena and in came Edward +Procurio ballancing a tray very cleverly. He looked most elegant with +his shiny black hair and pale yellow face and half shut eyes. He +smiled in a very mystearious and superier way as he placed the tray on +Mr Salteenas pointed knees. + +Your early beverage he announced and [Pg 60] began to pull up the blinds +still smiling to himself. + +Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena feeling very towzld compared to this +grand fellow. Then to his great supprise Procurio began to open the +wardrobe and look at Mr Salteenas suits making italian exclamations +under his breath. Mr Salteena dare not say a word so he swollowed his +tea and eat a Marie biscuit hastilly. Presently Procurio advanced to +the bed with a bright blue serge suit. Will you wear this today sir he +asked quietly. + +Oh certainly said Mr Salteena. + +And a clean shirt would not come amiss said Procurio what about this +pale blue and white stripe. + +With pleashure replied Mr Salteena. So Procurio laid them out in neat +array also a razer and brush for shaving. Then he opened a door saying +This is the bath room shall I turn on hot or cold. + +[Pg 61] +I dont mind said Mr Salteena feeling very hot and ignorant. + +It is best for you to decide sir said Procurio firmly. + +Well I will try cold said Mr Salteena feeling it was more manly to say +that. Procurio bowed and beat a retreat to the bath room. Then he +returned and told Mr. Salteena that when he was washed he would find +his breakfast in the sitting room. When Mr Salteena was dressed in his +best blue suit and clean shirt he stroled into the sitting room where +a gay canary was singing fit to burst in the window and a copple of +doves cooing in a whicker cage. A cheery smell greeted him as Procurio +glided in with some steaming coffie. Mr Salteena felt more at home and +passed a few remarks about the weather. Procurio smiled and uncovered +some lovely kidnys on toast and as he did so bent and whispered in Mr +Salteenas ear you could have come in in your dressing gown. + +[Pg 62] +Mr Salteena gave a start. Oh can I he said ten thousand thanks. + +Then Procurio passed out and Mr Salteena finnished his kidneys and +chiruped to the birds and had a cigarette from a handsome purple box +which he found on the desk. Then Procurio entered once more and with a +bow said. His lordship is going to a levie this morning and thinks it +might amuse you to go too. Could you be ready by 11 oclock. + +Oh yes what fun said Mr Salteena have you any notion what a levie is +my man. + +Procurio gave a superier smile. It is a party given by the Queen to +very superier peaple but this one is given by the Prince of Wales as +the Queen is not quite her usual self today. It will be at Buckingham +palace so you will drive with his lordship. + +Mr Salteena was fearfully excited. What shall I weare he gasped. + +Well of course you ought to have black satin knickerbockers and a hat +with white [Pg 63] feathers also garters and a star or two. + +You supprise me said Mr Salteena I have none of those articles. + +Well said Procurio kindly his lordship will lend you his second best +cocked hat as you are obliged to wear one and I think with a little +thourght I might rig you up so as to pass muster. + +Then they rumaged among Mr Salteenas things and Procurio got very +intelligent and advised Mr Salteena to were his black evening suit and +role up his trousers. He also lent him a pair of white silk stockings +which he fastened tightly round his knees with red rosettes. Then he +quickly cut out a star in silver paper and pinned it to his chest and +also added a strip of red ribbon across his shirt front. Then Mr +Salteena survayed himself in the glass. Is it a fancy dress party he +asked. + +No they always were that kind of thing but wait till you see his +Lordship--if you are ready sir I will conduct you in. + +[Pg 64] +Mr Salteena followed Procurio up countless stairs till they came to +the Earls compartments and tapped on the bedroom door. + +Come in cried a merry voice and in they strode. + +I have done my best with Mr Salteena my lord I trust he will do the +hat of course will make a deal of diffrence. + +Mr Salteena bowed nervously wishing he had got correct knickerbockers +as his trousers did not feel too firm in spite of the garters. + +Not half bad cried the earl try on the hat Salteena it is on my bed. +Mr Salteena placed it on his head and the feathers and gold braid +became him very well but he felt very jellous of the earl who looked a +sight for the gods. He had proper satin knickerbockers with diamond +clasps and buckled shoes and black silk stockings which showed up his +long fine legs. He had a floppy shirt of softist muslin with real lace +collar and cuffs. A sword hung at [Pg 65] his side and a crimson sash +was round his waist and a splendid cocked hat on his head. His blue +eyes twinkled as he pulled on a pair of white kid gloves. + +Well come on Salteena he cried and dont be nervus I will get you a +pair of knickers tomorrow. Will you get a hansome Procurio. + +Presently the earl and Mr Salteena were clattering away to Buckingham +palace. + +You wont mind if I introduce you as Lord Hyssops do you said the earl +as he lit his pipe. You see you are sort of mixed up with the family +so it wont matter and will look better. + +So it would said Mr Salteena what do we do at the levie. + +Oh we strole round and eat ices and champaigne and that kind of thing +and sometimes there is a little music. + +Is there any dancing asked Mr Salteena. + +Well not always said the Earl. + +I am glad of that said Mr Salteena I am [Pg 66] not so nimble as I was +and my garters are a trifle tight. + +Sometimes we talk about the laws and politics said the earl if Her +Majesty is in that kind of a mood. + +Just then the splendid edifice appeared in view and Mr Salteena licked +his dry lips at sight of the vast crowd. All round were carrages full +of costly peaple and outside the railings stood tall Life Guards +keeping off the mere peaple who had gathered to watch the nobility +clatter up. Lord Clincham began to bow right and left raising his +cocked hat to his friends. There was a lot of laughter and friendly +words as the cab finally drew up at the front door. Two tall life +guards whisked open the doors and one of them kindly tipped the +cabman. Mr Salteena followed his lordship up the grand steps trying to +feel as homely as he could. Then a splendid looking fellow in a red +tunick and a sort of black velvit tam a [Pg 67] shanter stepped forward +from the throng shouting what name please. + +The Earl of Clincham and Lord Hyssops calmly replied the earl gently +nudging Mr Salteena to act up. Mr Salteena nodded and blinked at the +menial as much as to say all is well and then he and the earl hung up +their cocked hats on two pegs. This way cried a deep voice and another +menial apeared wearing stiff white britches top boots and a green +velvit coat with a leather belt also a very shiny top hat. They +followed this fellow down countless corridoors and finally came to big +folding doors. The earl twiddled his mustache and slapped his leg with +his white glove as calmly as could be. Mr Salteena purspired rarther +hard and gave a hitch to his garters to make sure. + +Then the portles divided and their names were shouted in chorus by +countless domesticks. The sumshious room was packed with men of a +noble nature dressed like the earl in satin knickerboccers etc and +with [Pg 68] ladies of every hue with long trains and jewels by the +dozen. You could hardly moove in the gay throng. Dukes were as nought +as there were a good lot of princes and Arch Dukes as it was a very +superier levie indeed. The earl and Mr Salteena struggled through the +crowd till they came to a platform draped with white velvit. Here on a +golden chair was seated the prince of Wales in a lovely ermine cloak +and a small but costly crown. He was chatting quite genially with some +of the crowd. + +Up clambered the earl followed at top speed by Mr Salteena. + +Hullo Clincham cried the Prince quite homely and not at all grand so +glad you turned up--quite a squash eh. + +A bit over powering your Highness said the earl who was quite used to +all this may I introduce my friend Lord Hyssops he is staying with me +so I thought I would bring him along if you dont mind Prince. + +Not at all cried the genial prince looking [Pg 69] rarther supprised. +Mr Salteena bowed so low he nearly fell off the platform and as the +prince put out a hand Mr Salteena thought he had better kiss it. The +Prince smiled kindly I am pleased to see you Lord Hyssops he said in a +regal voice. + +Then the Earl chipped in and how is the dear Queen he said reveruntly. + +Not up to much said his Highness she feels the heat poor soul and he +waved to a placard which said in large letters The Queen is +indisposed. + +Presently his Highness rose I think I will have a quiet glass of +champaigne he said you come too Clincham and bring your friend the +Diplomats are arriving and I am not much in the mood for deep talk I +have already signed a dozen documents so I have done my duty. + +They all went out by a private door and found themselves in a smaller +but gorgous room. The Prince tapped on the table and instantly two +menials in red tunics appeared. [Pg 70] Bring three glasses of champaigne +commanded the prince and some ices he added majestikally. The goods +appeared as if by majic and the prince drew out a cigar case and +passed it round. + +One grows weary of Court Life he remarked. + +Ah yes agreed the earl. + +It upsets me said the prince lapping up his strawberry ice all I want +is peace and quiut and a little fun and here I am tied down to this +life he said taking off his crown being royal has many painfull +drawbacks. + +True mused the Earl. + +Silence fell and the strains of the band could be heard from the next +room. Suddenly the prince gazed at Mr Salteena. Who did you say you +were he asked in a puzzled tone. + +Lord Hyssops responded our hero growing purple at the lie. + +Well you are not a bit like the Lord [Pg 71] Hyssops I know replied the +Prince could you explain matters. + +Mr Salteena gazed helplessly at the earl who had grown very pale and +seemed lost for the moment. However he quickly recovered. + +He is quite alright really Prince he said His mother was called Miss +Hyssops of the Glen. + +Indeed said his royal Highness that sounds correct but who was your +father eh. + +Then Mr Salteena thourght he would not tell a lie so in trembly tones +he muttered My poor father was but a butcher your Highness a very +honest one I may add and passing rich he was called Domonic Salteena +and my name is Alfred Salteena. + +The Prince stroked his yellow beard and rarther admired Mr Salteena +for his truthful utterance--Oh I see he said well why did you palm off +on my menials as Lord Hyssops eh + +Mr Salteena wiped his swetting brow but [Pg 72] the earl came to the +rescue nobly. My fault entirely Prince he chimed in, as I was bringing +him to this very supearier levie I thought it would be better to say he +was of noble birth have I offended your Royal dignity. + +Not much said the prince it was a laudible notion and perhaps I will +ask Mr Salteena to one of my big balls some day. + +Oh your Highness gasped our hero falling on one knee that would indeed +be a treat. + +I suppose Prince you have not got a job going at this palace for my +friend asked the earl you see I am rubbing him up in socierty ways and +he fancies court life as a professhon. + +Oh dose he said the prince blinking his eyes well I might see. + +I suggested if there was a vacency going he might try cantering after +the royal barouche said the earl. + +So he might said the prince I will speak [Pg 73] to the prime Minister +about it and let you know. + +Ten thousand thanks cried Mr Salteena bowing low. + +Well now I must get along back to the levie announced the prince +putting on his crown I have booked a valse with the Arch duchess of +Greenwich and this is her favorite tune. So saying they issued back to +the big room where the nobility were whirling gaily roand the more +searious peaple such as the prime minister and the admirals etc were +eating ices and talking passionately about the laws in a low +undertone. + +The earl was soon mingling gaily in a set of lancers but Mr Salteena +dare not because of his trousers. However he sat on a velvit chair and +quite enjoyed over hearing the intelligent conversation of the prime +minister. And now we will leave our hero enjoying his glimpse of high +life and return to Ethel Monticue. + + + + +[Pg 74] +CHAPTER 7 + +BERNARDS IDEAR + + +After Mr Salteena had departed Bernard Clark thourght he would show +Ethel over his house so they spent a merry morning so doing. Ethel +passed bright remarks on all the rooms and Bernard thourght she was +most pretty and Ethel began to be a bit excited. After a lovly lunch +they sat in the gloomy hall and Ethel began to feel very glad Mr +Salteena was not there. Suddenly Bernard lit his pipe I was thinking +he said passionately what about going up to London for a weeks +Gaierty. + +Who inquired Ethel in a low tone. + +You and me said Bernard I know of several splendid hotels and we could +go to theaters and parties and enjoy ourselves to the full. + +[Pg 75] +So we could what an idear cried Ethel. + +So the merry plan was all arranged and they spent the afternoon in +packing there trunks. Next day they were all ready in the hall when +the handsome viacle once more clattered up. Ethel had on her blue +velvit get up and a sweet new hat and plenty of ruge on her face and +looked quite a seemly counterpart for Bernard who was arrayed in a +white and shiny mackintosh top boots and a well brushed top hat tied +on to him with a bit of black elastick. + +Well goodbye Minnit he cried to the somber butler take care of your +gout and the silver and I will pay your wages when I come back. + +Thankyou kindly sir murmured Minnit when may I expect your return. + +Oh well I will wire he said and dashed doun the steps. + +Ethel followed with small lady like steps having bowed perlitely to +Minnit who closed his eyes in acknowlegment of her kindness. + +[Pg 76] +The sun was shining and Ethel had the feeling of going to a very jolly +party and felt so sorry for all the passers by who were not going to +London with Bernard. + +Arrived in the gay city Bernard hailed a eab to the manner born and +got in followed by Ethel. Kindly drive us to the Gaierty Hotel he +cried in a firm tone. The cabman waved his whip and off they dashed. + +We shall be highly comfortable and select at the Gaierty said Bernard +and he thourght to himself how lovly it would be if he was married to +Ethel. He blushed a deep shade at his own thourghts and gave a side +long glance at Ethel who was gazing out of the window. Well one never +knows he murmerd to himself and as one of the poets says great events +from trivil causes springs. + +Just then they stopped at the gay hotel and Ethel was spellbound at +the size of the big hall--Bernard poked his head into the window of +the pay desk. Have you a coupple [Pg 77] of bedrooms for self and young +lady he enquired in a lordly way. + +A very handsome lady with golden hair and a lace apron glanced at a +book and hastilly replied Oh yes sir two beauties on the 1st floor +number 9 and 10. + +Thankyou said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection. + +None whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the +view is quite pleasant. + +Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh. + +Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile. + +They went upstairs and entered number 9 a very fine compartment with a +large douny bed and white doors with glass handles leading into number +10 an equally dainty room but a trifle smaller. + +Which will you have Ethel asked Bernard. + +Oh well I would rarther you settled it [Pg 78] said Ethel. I am willing +to abide by your choice. + +The best shall be yours then said Bernard bowing gallantly and +pointing to the biggest room. + +Ethel blushed at his speaking look. I shall be quite lost in that huge +bed she added to hide her embarassment. + +Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now what about a little table +d'ote followed by a theater. + +Oh yes cried Ethel and downstairs they went. + + + + +[Pg 79] +CHAPTER 8 + +A GAY CALL + + +I tell you what Ethel said Bernard Clark about a week later we might +go and pay a call on my pal the Earl of Clincham. + +Oh do lets cried Ethel who was game for any new adventure I would +dearly love to meet his lordship. + +Bernard gave a frown of jellousy at her rarther mere words. + +Well dress in your best he muttered. + +Ethel skipped into her bedroom and arrayd herself in a grass green +muslin of decent cut a lace scarf long faun colored kid gloves and a +muslin hat to correspond. She carried a parasole in one hand also a +green silk bag containing a few stray hair pins a clean handkerchief +five shillings and a pot of ruge in case. She looked a dainty vishen +[Pg 80] with her fair hair waving in the breeze and Bernard bit his lips +rarther hard for he could hardly contain himself and felt he must +marry Ethel soon. He looked a handsome sight himself in some exquisite +white trousers with a silk shirt and a pale blue blazer belt and cap. +He wore this in honour of the earl who had been to Cambridge in his +youth and so had Bernard Clark. + +At last they found themselves in the entrance hall of the Crystale +palace and speedily made their way to the privite compartments. Edward +Procurio was walking up and down the passage looking dark and +mystearious as usual. + +Is His Lordship at home cried Bernard Clark cheerily. + +Which one asked Procurio many lords live here he said scornfully. + +Well I mean the Earl of Clincham said Bernard. + +Oh yes he is in responded Procurio and to the best of my belief giving +a party. + +[Pg 81] +Indeed ejaculated Bernard we have come in the nick of time Ethel he +added. Yes said Ethel in an excited tone. + +Then they pealed on the bell and the door flew open. Sounds of +laughter and comic songs issued from the abode and in a second they +were in the crowded drawing room. It was packed with all the Elite and +a stout duchess with a good natured face was singing a lively song and +causing much merriment. The earl strode forward at sight of two new +comers. Hullo Bernard old boy he cried this is a pleasure and who have +you got with you he added glancing at Ethel. + +Oh this is Miss Monticue said Bernard shall I introduce you---- + +If you will be so good said the Earl in an affable tone and Bernard +hastily performed the right. Ethel began a bright conversatiun while +Bernard stroled off to see if he could find any friends amid the +throng. + +[Pg 82] +What pleasant compartments you have cried Ethel in rarther a socierty +tone. + +Fairly so so responded the Earl do you lire in London he added in a +loud tone as someone was playing a very difficult peice on the piano. + +Well no I dont said Ethel my home is really in Northumberland but I am +at present stopping with Mr Clark at the Gaierty Hotel she continud in +a somewhat showing off tone. + +Oh I see said the earl well shall I introduce you to a few of my +friends. + +Of please do said Ethel with a dainty blow at her nose. + +The earl disserppeard into the madding crowd and presently came back +with a middle aged gentleman. This is Lord Hyssops he said my friend +Miss Monticue he added genially. + +Ethel turned a dull yellaw. Lord Hyssops she said in a faint voice why +it is Mr Salteena I know him well. + +[Pg 83] +Hush cried the Earl it is a title bestowd recently by my friend the +Prince of Wales. + +Yes indeed murmered Mr Salteena deeply flabbergasted by the ready wit +of the earl. + +Oh indeed said Ethel in a peevish tone well how do you come to be +here. + +I am stopping with his Lordship said Mr Salteena and have a set of +compartments in the basement so there. + +I dont care said huffy Ethel I am in handsome rooms at the Gaierty. + +Nothing could be nicer I am sure struck in the earl what do you say +Hyssops eh. + +Doubtless it is charming said Mr Salteena who was wanting peace tell +me Ethel how did you leave Bernard. + +I have not left him said Ethel in an annoying voice I am stopping with +him at the gaierty and we have been to lots of theaters and dances. + +Well I am glad you are enjoying yourself said Mr Salteena kindly you +had been looking pale of late. + +[Pg 84] +No wonder in your stuffy domain cried Ethel well have you got any more +friends she added turning to the earl. + +Well I will see said the obliging earl and he once more disapeared. + +I dont know why you should turn against me Ethel said Mr Salteena in a +low tone. + +Ethel patted her hair and looked very sneery. Well I call it very +mystearious you going off and getting a title said Ethel and I think +our friendship had better stop as no doubt you will soon be marrying a +duchess or something. + +Not at all said Mr Salteena you must know Ethel he said blushing a +deep red I always wished to marry you some fine day. + +This is news to me cried Ethel still peevish. + +But not to me murmered Mr Salteena and his voice trembled in his +chest. I may add that I have always loved you and now I seem to do so +madly he added passionately. + +[Pg 85] +But I dont love you responded Ethel. + +But if you married me you might get to said Mr Salteena. + +I think not replied Ethel and all the same it is very kind of you to +ask me and she smiled more nicely at him. + +This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my life will +be sour grapes and ashes without you. + +Be a man said Ethel in a gentle whisper and I shall always think of +you in a warm manner. + +Well half a loaf is better than no bread responded Mr Salteena in a +gloomy voice and just then the earl reappeard with a very brisk lady +in a tight silk dress whose name was called Lady Gay Finchling and her +husband was a General but had been dead a few years. So this is Miss +Monticue she began in a rarther high voice. Oh yes said Ethel and Mr +Salteena wiped the foaming dew from his forehead. Little did Lady [Pg 86] +Gay Finchling guess she had just disturbed a proposal of marrage. + +The Earl chimed into the conversation now and again and Lady Gay +Finchling told several rarther witty stories to enliven the party. +Then Bernard Clark came up and said they had better be going. + +Well goodbye Clincham he said I must say I have enjoyed this party +most rechauffie I call it dont you Ethel. + +Most cried Ethel I suppose you often come she added in a tone of envy +to Lady Gay Finchling. + +Pretty often said Lady G. F. well goodbye as I see you are in a hurry +to be off and she dashed off towards the refreshment place. + +Goodbye Ethel said poor Mr Salteena in a spasam and he seized hold of +her hand you will one day rue your wicked words farewell he repeated +emphatically. + +Oh well goodbye said Ethel in a vage tone and then turning to the earl +she said [Pg 87] I have enjoyed myself very much thankyou. + +Please dont mention it cried the earl well goodbye Bernard he added I +shall look you up some day at your hotel. + +Yes do muttered Bernard always welcome Clincham old boy he added +placing his blue crickit cap on his head and so saying he and Ethel +left the gay scene and once more oozed fourth into the streets of +London. + + + + +[Pg 88] +CHAPTER 9 + +A PROPOSALE + + +Next morning while imbibing his morning tea beneath his pink silken +quilt Bernard decided he must marry Ethel with no more delay. I love +the girl he said to himself and she must be mine but I somehow feel I +can not propose in London it would not be seemly in the city of +London. We must go for a day in the country and when surrounded by the +gay twittering of the birds and the smell of the cows I will lay my +suit at her feet and he waved his arm wildly at the gay thought. Then +he sprang from bed and gave a rat tat at Ethels door. + +Are you up my dear he called. + +Well not quite said Ethel hastilly jumping from her downy nest. + +Be quick cried Bernard I have a plan to [Pg 89] spend a day near Windsor +Castle and we will take our lunch and spend a happy day. + +Oh Hurrah shouted Ethel I shall soon be ready as I had my bath last +night so wont wash very much now. + +No dont said Bernard and added in a rarther fervent tone through the +chink of the door you are fresher than the rose my dear no soap could +make you fairer. + +Then he dashed off very embarrased to dress. Ethel blushed and felt a +bit excited as she heard the words and she put on a new white muslin +dress in a fit of high spirits. She looked very beautifull with some +red roses in her hat and the dainty red ruge in her cheeks looked +quite the thing. Bernard heaved a sigh and his eyes flashed as he +beheld her and Ethel thorght to herself what a fine type of manhood he +reprisented with his nice thin legs in pale broun trousers and well +fitting spats and a red rose in his button hole and rarther a sporting +cap which gave him a great air [Pg 90] with its quaint check and little +flaps to pull down if necesarry. Off they started the envy of all the +waiters. + +They arrived at Windsor very hot from the jorney and Bernard at once +hired a boat to row his beloved up the river. Ethel could not row but +she much enjoyed seeing the tough sunburnt arms of Bernard tugging at +the oars as she lay among the rich cushons of the dainty boat. She had +a rarther lazy nature but Bernard did not know of this. However he +soon got dog tired and sugested lunch by the mossy bank. + +Oh yes said Ethel quickly opening the sparkling champaigne. + +Dont spill any cried Bernard as he carved some chicken. + +They eat and drank deeply of the charming viands ending up with +merangs and choclates. + +Let us now bask under the spreading trees said Bernard in a passiunate +tone. + +Oh yes lets said Ethel and she opened her [Pg 91] dainty parasole and +sank down upon the long green grass. She closed her eyes but she was far +from asleep. Bernard sat beside her in profound silence gazing at her +pink face and long wavy eye lashes. He puffed at his pipe for some +moments while the larks gaily caroled in the blue sky. Then he edged a +trifle closer to Ethels form. + +Ethel he murmured in a trembly voice. + +Oh what is it said Ethel hastily sitting up. + +Words fail me ejaculated Bernard horsly my passion for you is intense +he added fervently. It has grown day and night since I first beheld +you. + +Oh said Ethel in supprise I am not prepared for this and she lent back +against the trunk of the tree. + +Bernard placed one arm tightly round her. When will you marry me Ethel +he uttered you must be my wife it has come to that I love you so +intensly that if you say no I shall perforce dash my body to the +[Pg 92] brink of yon muddy river he panted wildly. + +Oh dont do that implored Ethel breathing rarther hard. + +Then say you love me he cried. + +Oh Bernard she sighed fervently I certinly love you madly you are to +me like a Heathen god she cried looking at his manly form and handsome +flashing face I will indeed marry you. + +How soon gasped Bernard gazing at her intensly. + +As soon as possible said Ethel gently closing her eyes. + +My Darling whispered Bernard and he seiezed her in his arms we will be +marrid next week. + +Oh Bernard muttered Ethel this is so sudden. + +No no cried Bernard and taking the bull by both horns he kissed her +violently on her dainty face. My bride to be he murmered several +times. + +[Pg 93] +Ethel trembled with joy as she heard the mistick words. + +Oh Bernard she said little did I ever dream of such as this and she +suddenly fainted into his out stretched arms. + +Oh I say gasped Bernard and laying the dainty burden on the grass he +dashed to the waters edge and got a cup full of the fragrant river to +pour on his true loves pallid brow. + +She soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile Take me back to the +Gaierty hotel she whispered faintly. + +With plesure my darling said Bernard I will just pack up our viands +ere I unloose the boat. + +Ethel felt better after a few drops of champagne and began to tidy her +hair while Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm +they tottered to the boat. + +I trust you have not got an illness my darling murmured Bernard as he +helped her in. + +[Pg 94] +Oh no I am very strong said Ethel I fainted from joy she added to +explain matters. + +Oh I see said Bernard handing her a cushon well some people do he +added kindly and so saying they rowed down the dark stream now flowing +silently beneath a golden moon. All was silent as the lovers glided +home with joy in their hearts and radiunce on their faces only the +sound of the mystearious water lapping against the frail vessel broke +the monotony of the night. + +So I will end my chapter. + + + + +[Pg 95] +CHAPTER 10 + +PREPARING FOR THE FRAY + + +The next few days were indeed bussy for Ethel and Bernard. First of +all Ethel got some dainty pink note paper with silver crest on it and +sent out invitations in the following terms to all their frends. + + Miss Ethel Monticue will be married to + Mr Bernard Clark at Westminster Abbey + on June 10th. Your company is requested + there at 2-30 sharp and afterwards + for refreshment at the Gaierty Hotel. + R.S.V.P. + +Having posted heaps of these and got several replies Ethel began to +order her wedding dress which cost a good bit. She chose a rich satin +with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a long +train [Pg 96] edged with Airum lilies. Her veil was of pure lace with a +crown of orange blossum. Her bouquett she ordered to be of white dog +daisies St. Joseph lilies and orange blossums tied up with pale blue +satin ribbon. + +You will indeed be a charming spectacle my darling gasped Bernard as +they left the shop. Then they drove to the tailor where Bernard +ordered an elligant black suit with coat tails lined with crimson +satin and a pale lavender tie and an opera hat of the same hue and he +intended to wear violets in his buttonholes also his best white spats +diamond studs and a few extras of costly air. They both ordered a lot +of new clothes besides and Bernard gave Ethel a very huge tara made of +rubies and diamonds also two rich bracelets and Ethel gave him a bran +new trunk of shiny green leather. The earl of Clincham sent a charming +gift of some hem stitched sheets edged with real lace and a photo of +himself in a striking attitude. [Pg 97] Mr Salteena sent Ethel a bible +with a few pious words of advice and regret and he sent Bernard a very +handy little camp stool. Ethels parents were too poor to come so far but +her Mother sent her a gold watch which did not go but had been some years +in the family and her father provided a cheque for L2 and promised to +send her a darling little baby calf when ready. Then they ordered the +most splendid refreshments they had tea and coffie and sparkling wines +to drink also a lovly wedding cake of great height with a sugar angel +at the top holding a sword made of almond paste. They had countless +cakes besides also ices jelly merangs jam tarts with plenty of jam on +each some cold tongue some ham with salid and a pig's head done up in +a wondrous manner. Ethel could hardly contain herself as she gazed at +the sumpshious repast and Bernard gave her a glass of rich wine while +he imbibed some whiskey before going to bed. Ethel got speedilly into +her [Pg 98] bed for the last time at the dear old Gaierty and shed a few +salt tears thinking of her past life but she quickly cheerd up and began +to plan about how many children she would have. I hope I shall have a +good lot she thourght to herself and so saying fell into repose. + + + + +[Pg 99] +CHAPTER 11 + +THE WEDDING + + +The Abbey was indeed thronged next day when Ethel and Bernard cantered +up in a very fine carrage drawn by two prancing steeds who foamed a +good deal. In the porch stood several clean altar boys who conducted +the lucky pair up the aile while the organ pealed a merry blast The +mighty edifice was packed and seated in the front row was the Earl of +Clincham looking very brisk as he was going to give Ethel away at the +correct moment. Beside him sat Mr Salteena all in black and looking +bitterly sad and he ground his teeth as Ethel came marching up. There +were some merry hymns and as soon as Ethel and Bernard were one the +clergyman began a sermon about Adam and Eve and the serpent and [Pg 100] +Mr Salteena cried into his large handkerchief and the earl kept on +nudging him as his sniffs were rarther loud. Then the wedding march +pealed fourth and doun the church stepped Ethel and Bernard as husband +and wife. Into the cab they got and speedelly dashed off to the +Gaierty. The wedding refreshments were indeed a treat to all and even +Mr Salteena cheered up when he beheld the wedding cake and sparkling +wines. Then the earl got up and made a very fine speech about marrage +vows and bliss and he quoted several good bits from the bible which +got a lot of applause. Bernard replied in good round terms. I thank +your lordship for those kind remarks he said in clear tones I expect +we shall be as happy as a lark and I hope you will all be ditto some +day. Here Here muttered a stray lady in the crowd and down sat Bernard +while Ethel went up to change her wedding garment for a choice pink +velvit dress with a golden gurdle and a very chick tocque. Bernard +[Pg 101] also put on a new suit of blue stripe and some silk socks and +clean under clothing. Hurah hurah shouted the guests as the pair +reappeard in the aforesaid get ups. Then everybody got a bag of rice and +sprinkled on the pair and Mr Salteena sadly threw a white tennis shoe +at them wiping his eyes the while. Off drove the happy pair and the +guests finished up the food. The happy pair went to Egypt for there +Honymoon as they thought it would be a nice warm spot and they had +never seen the wondrous land. Ethel was a bit sick on the boat but +Bernard braved the storm in manly style. However Ethel had recovered +by the time they got to Egypt and here we will leave them for a merry +six weeks of bliss while we return to England. + + + + +[Pg 102] +CHAPTER 12 + +HOW IT ENDED + + +Mr Salteena by the aid of the earl and the kindness of the Prince of +Wales managed to get the job his soul craved and any day might be seen +in Hyde park or Pickadilly galloping madly after the Royal Carrage in +a smart suit of green velvit with knickerbockers compleat. At first he +was rarther terrified as he was not used to riding and he found his +horse bumped him a good deal and he had to cling on desperatly to its +flowing main. At other times the horse would stop dead and Mr Salteena +would use his spurs and bad languige with no avail. But he soon got +more used to his fresh and sultry steed and His Royal Highness seemed +satisfide. + +The Earl continued his merry life at the [Pg 103] Compartments till +finally he fell in love with one of the noble ladies who haunted them. +She was not so pretty as Ethel as she had rarther a bulgy figure and +brown eyes but she had lovely raven tresses a pointed nose and a rose +like complexion of a dainty hue. She had very nice feet and plenty of +money. Her name was called Lady Helena Herring and her age was 25 and +she mated well with the earl. + +Mr Salteena grew very lonely after the earl was marrid and he could +not bear a single life any more so failing Ethel he marrid one of the +maids in waiting at Buckingham palace by name Bessie Topp a plesant +girl of 18 with a round red face and rarther stary eyes. + +So now that all our friends are marrid I will add a few words about +their familys. Ethel and Bernard returned from their Honymoon with a +son and hair a nice fat baby called Ignatius Bernard. They soon [Pg 104] +had six more children four boys and three girls and some of them were +twins which was very exciting. + +The Earl only got two rarther sickly girls called Helen and Marie +because the last one looked slightly french. + +Mr Salteena had a large family of 10 five of each but he grew very +morose as the years rolled by and his little cottage was very noisy +and his wife was a bit annoying at times especially when he took to +dreaming of Ethel and wishing he could have marrid her. Still he was a +pius man in his way and found relief in prayer. + +Bernard Clark was the happiest of our friends as he loved Ethel to the +bitter end and so did she him and they had a nice house too. + +The Earl soon got tired of his sickly daughters and his wife had a +savage temper so he thourght he would divorce her and try again but he +gave up the idear after [Pg 105] several attempts and decided to offer +it up as a Mortification. + +So now my readers we will say farewell to the characters in this book. + + The End + + by Daisy Ashford + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's +Plan, by Daisy Ashford + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YOUNG VISITERS *** + +***** This file should be named 21415.txt or 21415.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/1/4/1/21415/ + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David T. 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