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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's Plan, by 
+Daisy Ashford
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's Plan
+
+Author: Daisy Ashford
+
+Release Date: May 11, 2007 [EBook #21415]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YOUNG VISITERS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David T. Jones and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: THE AUTHOR]
+
+
+THE
+YOUNG VISITERS
+OR, MR SALTEENA'S PLAN
+
+BY
+
+DAISY ASHFORD
+
+WITH A PREFACE BY
+J. M. BARRIE
+
+NEW YORK
+GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY
+
+
+_Copyright_, 1919,
+_By George H. Doran Company_
+
+_Printed in the United States of America_
+
+
+
+
+[Pg v]
+PREFACE
+
+
+The "owner of the copyright" guarantees that "The Young Visiters" is
+the unaided effort in fiction of an authoress of nine years. "Effort,"
+however, is an absurd word to use, as you may see by studying the
+triumphant countenance of the child herself, which is here reproduced
+as frontispiece to her sublime work. This is no portrait of a writer
+who had to burn the oil at midnight (indeed there is documentary
+evidence that she was hauled off to bed every evening at six): it has
+an air of careless power; there is a complacency about it that by the
+severe might perhaps be called smugness. It needed no effort for that
+face to knock off a masterpiece. It probably represents precisely how
+she looked when she finished a chapter. When she was actually at work
+I think the expression [Pg vi] was more solemn, with the tongue firmly
+clenched between the teeth; an unholy rapture showing as she drew near
+her love chapter. Fellow-craftsmen will see that she is looking
+forward to this chapter all the time.
+
+The manuscript is in pencil in a stout little note book (twopence),
+and there it has lain for years, for though the authoress was nine
+when she wrote it she is now a grown woman. It has lain, in lavender
+as it were, in the dumpy note book, waiting for a publisher to ride
+that way and rescue it; and here he is at last, not a bit afraid that
+to this age it may appear "Victorian." Indeed if its pictures of High
+Life are accurate (as we cannot doubt, the authoress seems always so
+sure of her facts) they had a way of going on in those times which is
+really surprising. Even the grand historical figures were free and
+easy, such as King Edward, of whom we have perhaps the most human
+picture ever penned, as he appears at a levée "rather sumshiously," in
+a "small [Pg vii] but costly crown," and afterwards slips away to tuck
+into ices. It would seem in particular that we are oddly wrong in our
+idea of the young Victorian lady as a person more shy and shrinking than
+the girl of to-day. The Ethel of this story is a fascinating creature
+who would have a good time wherever there were a few males, but no
+longer could she voyage through life quite so jollily without
+attracting the attention of the censorious. Chaperon seems to be one
+of the very few good words of which our authoress had never heard.
+
+The lady she had grown into, the "owner of the copyright" already
+referred to, gives me a few particulars of this child she used to be,
+and is evidently a little scared by her. We should probably all be a
+little scared (though proud) if that portrait was dumped down in front
+of us as ours, and we were asked to explain why we once thought so
+much of ourselves as that.
+
+Except for the smirk on her face, all I can learn of her now is that
+she was one of [Pg viii] a small family who lived in the country, invented
+their own games, dodged the governess and let the rest of the world go
+hang. She read everything that came her way, including, as the context
+amply proves, the grown-up novels of the period. "I adored writing and
+used to pray for bad weather, so that I need not go out but could stay
+in and write." Her mother used to have early tea in bed; sometimes
+visitors came to the house, when there was talk of events in high
+society: there was mention of places called Hampton Court, the Gaiety
+Theatre and the "Crystale" Palace. This is almost all that is now
+remembered, but it was enough for the blazing child. She sucked her
+thumb for a moment (this is guesswork), and sat down to her amazing
+tale.
+
+"Her mother used to have early tea in bed." Many authors must have had
+a similar experience, but they all missed the possibilities of it
+until this young woman came along. It thrilled her; and tea in [Pg ix]
+bed at last takes its proper place in fiction. "Mr Salteena woke
+up rarther early next day and was delighted to find Horace the footman
+entering with a cup of tea. Oh thank you my man said Mr Salteena
+rolling over in the costly bed. Mr Clark is nearly out of the bath sir
+announced Horace I will have great pleasure in turning it on for you
+if such is your desire. Well yes you might said Mr Salteena seeing it
+was the idear." Mr Salteena cleverly conceals his emotion, but as soon
+as he is alone he rushes to Ethel's door, "I say said Mr Salteena
+excitedly I have had some tea in bed."
+
+"Sometimes visitors came to the house." Nothing much in that to us,
+but how consummately this child must have studied them; if you
+consider what she knew of them before the "viacle" arrived to take
+them back to the station you will never dare to spend another week-end
+in a house where there may be a novelist of nine years. I am sure that
+when you left your bedroom this child stole in, examined everything
+[Pg x] and summed you up. She was particularly curious about the articles
+on your dressing-table, including the little box containing a reddish
+powder, and she never desisted from watching you till she caught you
+dabbing it on your cheeks. This powder, which she spells "ruge," went
+a little to her head, and it accompanies Ethel on her travels with
+superb effect. For instance, she is careful to put it on to be
+proposed to; and again its first appearance is excused in words that
+should henceforth be serviceable in every boudoir. "I shall put some
+red ruge on my face said Ethel becouse I am very pale owing to the
+drains in this house."
+
+Those who read will see how the rooms in Hampton Court became the
+"compartments" in the "Crystale" Palace, and how the "Gaierty" Hotel
+grew out of the Gaiety Theatre, with many other agreeable changes. The
+novelist will find the tale a model for his future work. How
+incomparably, for instance, the authoress dives [Pg xi] into her story
+at once. How cunningly throughout she keeps us on the hooks of suspense,
+jumping to Mr Salteena when we are in a quiver about Ethel, and
+turning to Ethel when we are quite uneasy about Mr Salteena. This
+authoress of nine is flirting with her readers all the time. Her mind
+is such a rich pocket that as she digs in it (her head to the side and
+her tongue well out) she sends up showers of nuggets. There seldom
+probably was a novelist with such an uncanny knowledge of his
+characters as she has of Mr Salteena. The first line of the tale
+etches him for all time: "Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and
+fond of asking people to stay with him." On the next page Salteena
+draws a touching picture of himself in a letter accepting an
+invitation: "I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of
+digging in the garden and I am parshal to ladies if they are nice I
+suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but you would
+hardly notice it but can't be helped anyhow." [Pg xii] "When the great
+morning arrived Mr Salteena did not have an egg for his breakfast in
+case he should be sick on the journey." For my part I love Mr Salteena,
+who has a touch of Hamlet, and I wished up to the end that Ethel would
+make him happy, though I never had much hope after I read the
+description of Bernard Clark's legs.
+
+It is not to be wondered at that Mr Salteena soon grew "rarther
+jellous" of Bernard, who showed off from the first. "My own room is
+next the bathroom said Bernard it is decerated dark red as I have
+somber tastes. The bathroom has got a tip up basin." Thus was Mr
+Salteena put in his place, and there the cruel authoress (with her
+tongue farther out than ever) doggedly keeps him. "After dinner Ethel
+played some merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with a
+rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal.
+Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle." No wonder
+Mr Salteena went gloomily to bed, not to [Pg xiii] sleep, but to think
+out the greater riddle of how to become a gentleman, with which
+triumphant adventure the book is largely concerned.
+
+To many the most instructive part of the story will be the chapter
+entitled "Bernard's Idear." Bernard's "idear" (warmly acclaimed by
+Ethel) is that she and he should go up to London "for a few weeks
+gaierty." Something of the kind has often been done in fiction and in
+guide-books, but never probably in such a hearty way as here. Arrived
+at the "Gaierty" Hotel Bernard pokes his head into the "window of the
+pay desk. Have you a couple of bedrooms for self and young lady he
+enquired in a lordly way." He is told that they have two beauties.
+"Thank you said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection. None
+whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the view
+quite pleasant. Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh.
+Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile." He decides gallantly [Pg xiv]
+that the larger room shall be hers. "I shall be quite lost in that
+large bed," Ethel says. "Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now
+what about a little table d'ote followed by a theatre?"
+
+Bernard's proposal should be carried in the pocket of all future
+swains. He decides "whilst imbibing his morning tea beneath the pink
+silken quilt," that to propose in London would not be the "correct
+idear." He springs out of bed and knocks at Ethel's door. "Are you up
+my dear? he called. Well not quite said Ethel hastily jumping from her
+downy nest." He explains his "idear." "Oh hurrah shouted Ethel I shall
+soon be ready as I had my bath last night so won't wash very much
+now."
+
+They go up the river in a boat, and after they had eaten and "drunk
+deeply of the charming viands ending up with merangs and chocklates,"
+Bernard says "in a passionate voice Let us now bask under the
+spreading trees. Oh yes lets said Ethel." "Ethel he murmered in a
+trembly voice. [Pg xv] Oh what is it said Ethel." What it was (as well
+she knew) was love eternal. Ethel accepts him, faints and is brought back
+to life by a clever "idear" of Bernard's, who pours water on her. "She
+soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile. Take me back to the
+'Gaierty' Hotel she whispered faintly. With pleasure my darling said
+Bernard I will just pack up our viands ere I unloose the boat. Ethel
+felt better after a few drops of champaigne and began to tidy her hair
+while Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm they
+tottered to the boat, I trust you have not got an illness my darling
+murmured Bernard as he helped her in, Oh no I am very strong said
+Ethel I fainted from joy she added to explain matters. Oh I see said
+Bernard handing her a cushion well some people do he added kindly."
+
+"So I will end my chapter," the authoress says; and we can picture her
+doing it complacently, and slowly pulling in her tongue.
+
+Ethel was married in the Abbey. Her [Pg xvi] wedding dress was "a rich
+satin with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a long
+train edged with Airum lillies." "You will indeed be a charming
+spectacle my darling gasped Bernard as they left the shop," and I have
+no doubt she was. She got many delightful presents, the nicest of all
+being from her father, who "provided a cheque for £2 and promised to
+send her a darling little baby calf when ready." This is perhaps the
+prettiest touch in the story and should make us all take off our hats
+to the innocent wondering mind that thought of it.
+
+Poor Mr Salteena. He was at the wedding, dressed in black and crying
+into his handkerchief. However he recovered to an extent and married
+Another and had ten children, "five of each," none of them of course
+equal to Ethel's children, of whom in a remarkably short time there
+were seven, which the authoress evidently considers to be the right
+"idear."
+
+It seems to me to be a remarkable work [Pg xviii] for a child, remarkable
+even in its length and completeness, for when children turn author they
+usually stop in the middle, like the kitten when it jumps. The
+pencilled MS. has been accurately reproduced, not a word added or cut
+out. Each chapter being in one long paragraph, however, this has been
+subdivided for the reader's comfort.
+                                              J. M. BARRIE.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg xix]
+CONTENTS
+
+
+CHAPTER                                             PAGE
+
+  1 Quite a Young Girl                                23
+
+  2 Starting Gaily                                    27
+
+  3 The First Evening                                 36
+
+  4 Mr. Salteenas Plan                                41
+
+  5 The Crystal Palace                                45
+
+  6 High Life                                         59
+
+  7 Bernards Idear                                    74
+
+  8 A Gay Call                                        79
+
+  9 A Proposale                                       88
+
+  10 Preparing for the Fray                           95
+
+  11 The Wedding                                      99
+
+  12 How It Ended                                    102
+
+
+
+
+THE YOUNG VISITERS
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 23]
+The Young Visiters
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER 1
+
+QUITE A YOUNG GIRL
+
+
+Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and was fond of asking peaple to
+stay with him. He had quite a young girl staying with him of 17 named
+Ethel Monticue. Mr Salteena had dark short hair and mustache and
+wiskers which were very black and twisty. He was middle sized and he
+had very pale blue eyes. He had a pale brown suit but on Sundays he
+had a black one and he had a topper every day as he thorght it more
+becoming. Ethel Monticue had fair hair done on the top and blue eyes.
+She had a blue velvit frock which had grown rarther short in the
+sleeves. She had a black straw hat and kid gloves.
+
+[Pg 24]
+One morning Mr Salteena came down to brekfast and found Ethel had come
+down first which was strange. Is the tea made Ethel he said rubbing
+his hands. Yes said Ethel and such a quear shaped parcel has come for
+you Yes indeed it was a quear shape parcel it was a hat box tied down
+very tight and a letter stuffed between the string. Well well said Mr
+Salteena parcels do turn quear I will read the letter first and so
+saying he tore open the letter and this is what it said
+
+     My dear Alfred.
+
+     I want you to come for a stop with me so I have sent you a top hat
+     wraped up in tishu paper inside the box. Will you wear it staying
+     with me because it is very uncommon. Please bring one of your young
+     ladies whichever is the prettiest in the face.
+
+                                 I remain Yours truely
+                                        Bernard Clark.
+
+[Pg 25]
+Well said Mr Salteena I shall take you to stay Ethel and fancy him
+sending me a top hat. Then Mr S. opened the box and there lay the most
+splendid top hat of a lovly rich tone rarther like grapes with a
+ribbon round compleat.
+
+Well said Mr Salteena peevishly I dont know if I shall like it the bow
+of the ribbon is too flighty for my age. Then he sat down and eat the
+egg which Ethel had so kindly laid for him. After he had finished his
+meal he got down and began to write to Bernard Clark he ran up stairs
+on his fat legs and took out his blotter with a loud sniff and this is
+what he wrote
+
+     My dear Bernard
+
+     Certinly I shall come and stay with you next Monday I will bring
+     Ethel Monticue commonly called Miss M. She is very active and
+     pretty. I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of
+     digging in the garden and I am parshial to ladies if [Pg 26] they
+     are nice I suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but
+     you would hardly notice it but cant be helped anyhow. We will come
+     by the 3-15.
+
+                              Your old and valud friend
+                                        Alfred Salteena.
+
+Perhaps my readers will be wondering why Bernard Clark had asked Mr
+Salteena to stay with him. He was a lonely man in a remote spot and he
+liked peaple and partys but he did not know many. What rot muttered
+Bernard Clark as he read Mr Salteenas letter. He was rarther a
+presumshious man.
+
+[Illustration: THE FIRST PAGE OF THE ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPT]
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 27]
+CHAPTER 2
+
+STARTING GAILY
+
+
+When the great morning came Mr Salteena did not have an egg for his
+brekfast in case he should be sick on the jorney.
+
+What top hat will you wear asked Ethel.
+
+I shall wear my best black and my white alpacka coat to keep off the
+dust and flies replied Mr Salteena.
+
+I shall put some red ruge on my face said Ethel because I am very pale
+owing to the drains in this house.
+
+You will look very silly said Mr Salteena with a dry laugh.
+
+Well so will you said Ethel in a snappy tone and she ran out of the
+room with a very superier run throwing out her legs behind and her
+arms swinging in rithum.
+
+[Pg 28]
+Well said the owner of the house she has a most idiotick run.
+
+Presently Ethel came back in her best hat and a lovly velvit coat of
+royal blue. Do I look nice in my get up she asked.
+
+Mr Salteena survayed her. You look rarther rash my dear your colors
+dont quite match your face but never mind I am just going up to say
+goodbye to Rosalind the housemaid.
+
+Well dont be long said Ethel. Mr S. skipped upstairs to Rosalinds
+room. Goodbye Rosalind he said I shall be back soon and I hope I shall
+enjoy myself.
+
+I make no doubt of that sir said Rosalind with a blush as Mr Salteena
+silently put 2/6 on the dirty toilet cover.
+
+Take care of your bronkitis said Mr S. rarther bashfully and he
+hastilly left the room waving his hand carelessly to the housemaid.
+
+Come along cried Ethel powdering her nose in the hall let us get into
+the cab. Mr [Pg 29] Salteena did not care for powder but he was an
+unselfish man so he dashed into the cab. Sit down said Ethel as the
+cabman waved his whip you are standing on my luggage. Well I am paying
+for the cab said Mr S. so I might be allowed to put my feet were I like.
+
+They traveled 2nd class in the train and Ethel was longing to go first
+but thought perhaps least said soonest mended. Mr Salteena got very
+excited in the train about his visit. Ethel was calm but she felt
+excited inside. Bernard has a big house said Mr. S. gazing at Ethel he
+is inclined to be rich.
+
+Oh indeed said Ethel looking at some cows flashing past the window.
+Mr. S. felt rarther disheartened so he read the paper till the train
+stopped and the porters shouted Rickamere station. We had better
+collect our traps said Mr Salteena and just then a very exalted
+footman in a cocked hat and olive green uniform put his head in [Pg 30]
+at the window. Are you for Rickamere Hall he said in impressive tones.
+
+Well yes I am said Mr Salteena and so is this lady.
+
+Very good sir said the noble footman if you will alight I will see to
+your luggage there is a convayance awaiting you.
+
+Oh thankyou thankyou said Mr. S. and he and Ethel stepped along the
+platform. Outside they found a lovely cariage lined with olive green
+cushons to match the footman and the horses had green bridles and bows
+on their manes and tails. They got gingerly in. Will he bring our
+luggage asked Ethel nervously.
+
+I expect so said Mr Salteena lighting a very long cigar.
+
+Do we tip him asked Ethel quietly.
+
+Well no I dont think so not yet we had better just thank him
+perlitely.
+
+Just then the footman staggered out with the bagage. Ethel bowed
+gracefully over the door of the cariage and Mr S. waved his [Pg 31] hand
+as each bit of luggage was hoisted up to make sure it was all there.
+Then he said thankyou my good fellow very politely. Not at all sir said
+the footman and touching his cocked hat he jumped actively to the box.
+
+I was right not to tip him whispered Mr Salteena the thing to do is to
+leave 2/6 on your dressing table when your stay is over.
+
+Does he find it asked Ethel who did not really know at all how to go
+on at a visit. I beleeve so replied Mr Salteena anyhow it is quite the
+custom and we cant help it if he does not. Now my dear what do you
+think of the sceenery
+
+Very nice said Ethel gazing at the rich fur rug on her knees. Just
+then the cariage rolled into a beautifull drive with tall trees and
+big red flowers growing amid shiny dark leaves. Presently the haughty
+coachman pulled up with a great clatter at a huge front door with tall
+pillers each side a big iron bell and two very clean scrapers. The
+doors flung open as if by majic causing [Pg 32] Ethel to jump and a portly
+butler appeared on the scene with a very shiny shirt front and a huge
+pale face. Welcome sir he exclaimed good naturedly as Mr Salteena
+alighted rarther quickly from the viacle and please to step inside.
+
+Mr Salteena stepped in as bid followed by Ethel. The footman again
+struggled with the luggage and the butler Francis Minnit by name
+kindly lent a hand. The hall was very big and hung round with guns and
+mate and ancesters giving it a gloomy but a grand air. The butler then
+showed them down a winding corridoor till he came to a door which he
+flung open shouting Mr Salteena and a lady sir.
+
+A tall man of 29 rose from the sofa. He was rarther bent in the middle
+with very nice long legs fairish hair and blue eyes. Hullo Alf old boy
+he cried so you have got here all safe and no limbs broken.
+
+None thankyou Bernard replied Mr Salteena shaking hands and let me
+introduce [Pg 33] Miss Monticue she is very pleased to come for this
+visit. Oh yes gasped Ethel blushing through her red ruge. Bernard looked
+at her keenly and turned a dark red. I am glad to see you he said I hope
+you will enjoy it but I have not arranged any partys yet as I dont
+know anybody.
+
+Dont worry murmered Ethel I dont mix much in Socierty and she gave him
+a dainty smile.
+
+I expect you would like some tea said Bernard I will ring.
+
+Yes indeed we should said Mr Salteena egerly. Bernard pealed on the
+bell and the butler came in with a stately walk.
+
+Tea please Minnit crid Bernard Clark. With pleshure sir replied Minnit
+with a deep bow. A glorious tea then came in on a gold tray two kinds
+of bread and butter a lovly jam role and lots of sugar cakes. Ethels
+eyes began to sparkle and she made several remarks during the meal. I
+expect [Pg 34] you would now like to unpack said Bernard when it was over.
+
+Well yes that is rarther an idear said Mr Salteena.
+
+I have given the best spare room to Miss Monticue said Bernard with a
+gallant bow and yours turning to Mr Salteena opens out of it so you
+will be nice and friendly both the rooms have big windows and a
+handsome view.
+
+How charming said Ethel. Yes well let us go up replied Bernard and he
+led the way up many a winding stairway till they came to an oak door
+with some lovly swans and bull rushes painted on it. Here we are he
+cried gaily. Ethels room was indeed a handsome compartment with purple
+silk curtains and a 4 post bed draped with the same shade. The toilit
+set was white and mouve and there were some violets in a costly varse.
+Oh I say cried Ethel in supprise. I am glad you like it said Bernard
+and here we have yours Alf. He opened [Pg 35] the dividing doors and
+portrayed a smaller but dainty room all in pale yellow and wild
+primroses. My own room is next the bath room said Bernard it is
+decerated dark red as I have somber tastes. The bath room has got a
+tip up bason and a hose thing for washing your head.
+
+A good notion said Mr Salteena who was secretly getting jellus.
+
+Here we will leave our friends to unpack and end this Chapter.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 36]
+CHAPTER 3
+
+THE FIRST EVENING
+
+
+When they had unpacked Mr Salteena and Ethel went downstairs to
+dinner. Mr Salteena had put on a compleat evening suit as he thought
+it was the correct idear and some ruby studs he had got at a sale.
+Ethel had on a dress of yellaw silk covered with tulle which was quite
+in the fashion and she had on a necklace which Mr Salteena gave her
+for a birthday present. She looked very becomeing and pretty and
+Bernard heaved a sigh as he gave her his arm to go into dinner. The
+butler Minnit was quite ready for the fray standing up very stiff and
+surrounded by two footmen in green plush and curly white wigs who were
+called Charles and Horace.
+
+Well said Mr Salteena lapping up his [Pg 37] turtle soup you have a
+very sumpshous house Bernard.
+
+His friend gave a weary smile and swollowed a few drops of sherry
+wine. It is fairly decent he replied with a bashful glance at Ethel
+after our repast I will show you over the premisis.
+
+Many thanks said Mr Salteena getting rarther flustered with his forks.
+
+You ourght to give a ball remarked Ethel you have such large
+compartments.
+
+Yes there is room enough sighed Bernard we might try a few steps and
+meanwhile I might get to know a few peaple.
+
+So you might responded Ethel giving him a speaking look.
+
+Mr Salteena was growing a little peevish but he cheered up when the
+Port wine came on the table and the butler put round some costly
+finger bowls. He did not have any in his own house and he followed
+Bernard Clarks advice as to what to do with them. After dinner Ethel
+played some [Pg 38] merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with
+a rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal.
+Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle. Then
+Bernard said shall I show you over my domain and they strolled into
+the gloomy hall.
+
+I see you have a lot of ancesters said Mr Salteena in a jelous tone,
+who are they.
+
+Well said Bernard they are all quite correct. This is my aunt Caroline
+she was rarther exentrick and quite old.
+
+So I see said Mr Salteena and he passed on to a lady with a very tight
+waist and quearly shaped. That is Mary Ann Fudge my grandmother I
+think said Bernard she was very well known in her day.
+
+Why asked Ethel who was rarther curious by nature.
+
+Well I dont quite know said Bernard but she was and he moved away to
+the next picture. It was of a man with a fat smiley face and a red
+ribbon round him and a lot [Pg 39] of medals. My great uncle Ambrose
+Fudge said Bernard carelessly.
+
+He looks a thourough ancester said Ethel kindly.
+
+Well he was said Bernard in a proud tone he was really the Sinister
+son of Queen Victoria.
+
+Not really cried Ethel in excited tones but what does that mean.
+
+Well I dont quite know said Bernard Clark it puzzles me very much but
+ancesters do turn quear at times.
+
+Peraps it means god son said Mr Salteena in an inteligent voice.
+
+Well I dont think so said Bernard but I mean to find out.
+
+It is very grand anyhow said Ethel.
+
+It is that replied her host geniully.
+
+Who is this said Mr Salteena halting at a picture of a lady holding up
+some grapes and smiling a good deal.
+
+Her name was called Minnie Pilato responded Bernard she was rarther
+far back [Pg 40] but a real relation and she was engaged to the earl of
+Tullyvarden only it did not quite come off.
+
+What a pity crid Ethel.
+
+Yes it was rarther replied Bernard but she marrid a Captain in the
+Navy and had seven children so she was quite alright.
+
+Here Mr Salteena thourght he had better go to bed as he had had a long
+jornney. Bernard always had a few prayers in the hall and some whiskey
+afterwards as he was rarther pious but Mr Salteena was not very
+adicted to prayers so he marched up to bed. Ethel stayed as she
+thourght it would be a good thing. The butler came in as he was a very
+holy man and Bernard piously said the Our Father and a very good hymm
+called I will keep my anger down and a Decad of the Rosary. Ethel
+chimed in quiutly and Francis Minnit was most devout and Ethel
+thourght what a good holy family she was stopping with. So I will end
+my chapter.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 41]
+CHAPTER 4
+
+MR SALTEENAS PLAN
+
+
+Mr Salteena woke up rarther early next day and was supprised and
+delighted to find Horace the footman entering with a cup of tea.
+
+Oh thankyou my man said Mr Salteena rolling over in the costly bed. Mr
+Clark is nearly out of the bath sir anounced Horace I will have great
+plesure in turning it on for you if such is your desire. Well yes you
+might said Mr Salteena seeing it was the idear and Horace gave a
+profound bow.
+
+Ethel are you getting up shouted Mr Salteena.
+
+Very nearly replied Ethel faintly from the next room.
+
+I say said Mr Salteena excitedly I have had some tea in bed.
+
+[Pg 42]
+So have I replied Ethel.
+
+Then Mr Salteena got into a mouve dressing goun with yellaw tassles
+and siezing his soap he wandered off to the bath room which was most
+sumpshous. It had a lovly white shiny bath and sparkling taps and
+several towels arrayed in readiness by thourghtful Horace. It also had
+a step for climbing up the bath and other good dodges of a rich
+nature. Mr Salteena washed himself well and felt very much better.
+After brekfast Mr Salteena asked Bernard if he could have some privite
+conversation with him. Well yes replied Bernard if you will come into
+my study we can have a few words.
+
+Cant I come too muttered Ethel sulkily.
+
+No my dear said Mr Salteena this is privite.
+
+Perhaps later I might have a privite chat with you Miss Monticue said
+Bernard kindly.
+
+Oh do lets said Ethel.
+
+[Pg 43]
+Then Bernard and Mr S. strolled to the study and sat upon two arm
+chairs. Fire away said Bernard lighting his pipe. Well I cant exactly
+do that said Mr Salteena in slow tones it is a searious matter and you
+can advise me as you are a thorugh gentleman I am sure.
+
+Well yes said Bernard what can I do for you eh Alf?
+
+You can help me perhaps to be more like a gentleman said Mr Salteena
+getting rarther hot I am quite alright as they say but I would like to
+be the real thing can it be done he added slapping his knees.
+
+I dont quite know said Bernard it might take a good time.
+
+Might it said Mr S. but I would slave for years if need be. Bernard
+scratched his head. Why dont you try the Crystal Pallace he asked
+several peaple Earls and even dukes have privite compartments there.
+
+But I am not an Earl said Mr Salteena in a purplexed tone.
+
+[Pg 44]
+True replied Bernard but I understand there are sort of students there
+who want to get into the War Office and notable banks.
+
+Would that be a help asked Mr Salteena egerly.
+
+Well it might said Bernard I can give you a letter to my old pal the
+Earl of Clincham who lives there he might rub you up and by mixing
+with him you would probably grow more seemly.
+
+Oh ten thousand thanks said Mr Salteena I will go there as soon as it
+can be arranged if you would be so kind as to keep an eye on Ethel
+while I am away.
+
+Oh yes said Bernard I may be running up to town for a few days and she
+could come too.
+
+You are too kind said Mr Salteena and I dont think you will find her
+any trouble.
+
+No I dont think I shall said Bernard she is a pretty girl cheerful and
+active. And he blushed rarther red.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 45]
+CHAPTER 5
+
+THE CRYSTAL PALACE
+
+
+About 9 oclock next morning Mr Salteena stood bag in hand in the
+ancestle hall waiting for the viacle to convay him to the station.
+Bernard Clark and Ethel were seated side by side on a costly sofa
+gazing abstractly at the parting guest. Horace had dashed off to put
+on his cocked hat as he was going in the baroushe but Francis Minnit
+was roaming about the hall well prepared for any deed.
+
+Well said Bernard puffing at his meershum pipe I hope you will get on
+Alf I am sure you have that little letter to old Clincham eh
+
+In deed I have said Mr Salteena many thanks for the same and I do hope
+Ethel will behave properly.
+
+[Pg 46]
+Oh yes I expect she will said Bernard with a sigh.
+
+I always do said Ethel in a snappy tone.
+
+Just then there was a great clatter outside and the sound of hoofs and
+a loud neigh. The barouche I take it said Bernard rising slowly.
+
+Quite correct sir said Minnit flinging wide the portles.
+
+Well goodbye Alf old man said Bernard Clark good luck and God bless
+you he added in a pius tone.
+
+Not at all said Mr Salteena I have enjoyed my stop which has been
+short and sweet well goodbye Ethel my child he said as bag in hand he
+proceeded to the door. Francis Minnit bowed low and handed a small
+parcel to Mr Salteena a few sandwighs for the jorney sir he remarked.
+
+Oh this is most kind said Mr Salteena.
+
+Minnit closed his eyes with a tired smile. Not kind sir he muttered
+quite usual.
+
+Oh really said Mr Salteena feeling rather [Pg 47] flabergasted well
+goodbye my good fellow and he slipped 2/6 into the butlers open palm.
+
+Mr Salteena had to travel first class as active Horace ran on to buy
+the ticket which he presented with a low bow the _Times_ and
+_Tit-Bits_. Oh many thanks my man said Mr Salteena in a most airy
+voice now will you find me a corner seat in the train eh.
+
+If there is one sir replied Horace.
+
+In got Mr Salteena to his first class carrage surrounded by his
+luggage carefully piled up by kindly Horace. The other pasengers
+looked full of envy at the curly white wig and green plush uniform of
+Horace. Mr Salteena crossed his legs in a lordly way and flung a fur
+rug over his knees though he was hot enough in all consciunce. He
+began to feel this was the thin end of the partition and he smiled as
+he gently tapped the letter in his coat tail pocket. When Mr Salteena
+arrived in [Pg 48] London he began to strolle up the principle streets
+thinking how gay all was. Presently he beheld a resterant with a big
+Menu outside and he went boldly in.
+
+It was a sumpshous spot all done up in gold with plenty of looking
+glasses. Many hansome ladies and gentlemen were already partaking of
+choice food and rich wines and whiskey and the scene was most lively.
+Mr Salteena had a little whiskey to make him feel more at home. Then
+he eat some curry to the tune of a merry valse on the band. He beat
+time to the music and smiled kindly at the waiters and he felt very
+excited inside. I am seeing life with a vengance he muttered to
+himself as he paid his bill at the desk. Outside Mr Salteena found a
+tall policeman. Could you direct me to the Crystale Pallace if you
+please said Mr Salteena nervously.
+
+Well said the geniul policeman my advice would be to take a cab sir.
+
+[Pg 49]
+Oh would it said Mr Salteena then I will do so.
+
+He hailed a Hansome and got speedily in to the Crystal Palace he cried
+gaily and holding his bag on his knees he prepared to enjoy the sights
+of the Metropilis. It was a merry drive and all too soon the Palace
+heaved in view. Mr Salteena sprang out and paid the man and then he
+entered the wondrous edifice. His heart beat very fast as two huge men
+in gold braid flung open the doors. Inside was a lovely fountain in
+the middle and all round were little stalls where you could buy sweets
+and lemonade also scent handkerchiefs and many dainty articles. There
+were a lot of peaple but nobody very noteable.
+
+At last after buying two bottles of scent and some rarther nice sweets
+which stuck to his teeth Mr Salteena beheld a wooden door on which was
+nailed a notice saying To the Privite Compartments.
+
+Ah ha said Mr Salteena to himself this is [Pg 50] evidently my next move,
+and he gently pushed open the door straitening his top hat as he did so.
+Inside he found himself in a dimly lit passage with a thick and
+handsom carpet. Mr Salteena gazed round and beheld in the gloom a very
+superier gentleman in full evening dress who was reading a newspaper
+and warming his hands on the hot water pipes. Mr Salteena advanced on
+tiptoe and coughed gently as so far the gentleman had paid no
+attention. However at the second cough he raised his eyes in a weary
+fashion. do you want anything he asked in a most noble voice.
+
+Mr Salteena got very flustered. Well I am seeking the Earl of Clincham
+he began in a trembly voice are you by any chance him he added most
+respectfully.
+
+No not exacktly replied the other my name happens to be Edward
+Procurio. I am half italian and I am the Groom of the Chambers.
+
+[Pg 51]
+What chambers asked Mr Salteena blinking his eyes.
+
+These said Edward Procurio waving a thin arm.
+
+Mr Salteena then noticed several red doors with names of people on
+each one. Oh I see he said then perhaps you can tell me where the Earl
+of Clincham is to be found.
+
+At the end of the passage fourth door down said Procurio tritely of
+course he may be out one never knows what they are up to.
+
+I suppose not said Mr Salteena in an interested tone.
+
+One can not gamble on anything really said Procurio returning to the
+hot water pipes though of course I know a lot more than most peaple
+about the inmates here.
+
+What are the habbits of the Earl of Clincham said Mr Salteena.
+
+Procurio gave a smile many and varius he replied I cant say much in my
+position [Pg 52] but one lives and learns. He heaved a sigh and shruged
+his shoulders.
+
+Well good day said Mr Salteena feeling better for the chat.
+
+Procurio nodded in silence as Mr Salteena trotted off down the
+passage. At last he came to a door labelled Clincham Earl of in big
+letters. With a beating heart Mr Salteena pulled the bell and the door
+swung open of its own accord. At the same moment a cheery voice rang
+out from the distance. Come in please I am in the study first door on
+left.
+
+With a nervous bound Mr Salteena obeyd these directions and found
+himself in a small but handsome compartment done in dark green lether
+with crests on the chairs. Over the mantlepiece was hung the painting
+of a lady in a low neck looking quite the thing. By the desk was
+seated a tall man of 35 with very nice eyes of a twinkly nature and
+curly hair he wore a quite plain suit of palest grey but well [Pg 53]
+made and on the table reposed a grey top hat which had evidently been
+on his head recently. He had a rose in his button hole also a signet
+ring.
+
+Hullo said this pleasant fellow as Mr. Salteena was spell bound on
+mat.
+
+Hullo your Lord Ship responded our hero bowing low and dropping his
+top hat do I adress the Earl of Clincham.
+
+You do said the Earl with a homely smile and who do I adress eh.
+
+Our hero bowed again Alfred Salteena he said in deep tones.
+
+Oh I see said the kindly earl well come in my man and tell me who you
+are.
+
+Mr Salteena seated himself gingerly on the edge of a crested chair.
+
+To tell you the truth my Lord I am not anyone of import and I am not a
+gentleman as they say he ended getting very red and hot.
+
+Have some whiskey said lord Clincham and he poured the liquid into a
+glass at his [Pg 54] elbow. Mr. Salteena lapped it up thankfully.
+
+Well my man said the good natured earl what I say is what dose it
+matter we cant all be of the Blood royal can we.
+
+No said Mr Salteena but I suppose you are.
+
+Lord Clincham waved a careless hand. A small portion flows in my viens
+he said but it dose not worry me at all and after all he added piously
+at the Day of Judgement what will be the odds.
+
+Mr Salteena heaved a sigh. I was thinking of this world he said.
+
+Oh I see said the Earl but my own idear is that these things are as
+piffle before the wind.
+
+Not being an earl I cant say answered our hero but may I beg you to
+read this letter my Lord. He produced Bernards note from his coat
+tails. The Earl of Clincham took it in his long fingers. This is what
+he read.
+
+[Pg 55]
+     My dear Clincham
+
+     The bearer of this letter is an old friend of mine not quite the
+     right side of the blanket as they say in fact he is the son of a
+     first rate butcher but his mother was a decent family called
+     Hyssopps of the Glen so you see he is not so bad and is desireus of
+     being the correct article. Could you rub him up a bit in Socierty
+     ways. I dont know much details about him but no doubt he will
+     supply all you need. I am keeping well and hope you are. I must run
+     up to the Compartments one day and look you up.
+
+                              Yours as ever your faithfull friend
+                                        Bernard Clark.
+
+The Earl gave a slight cough and gazed at Mr Salteena thourghtfully.
+
+Have you much money he asked and are you prepared to spend a good
+deal.
+
+Oh yes quite gasped Mr Salteena I have plenty in the bank and £10 in
+ready gold in my purse.
+
+[Pg 56]
+You see these compartments are the haunts of the Aristockracy said the
+earl and they are kept going by peaple who have got something funny in
+their family and who want to be less mere if you can comprehend.
+
+Indeed I can said Mr Salteena.
+
+Personally I am a bit parshial to mere people said his Lordship but
+the point is that we charge a goodly sum for our training here but
+however if you cant pay you need not join.
+
+I can and will proclaimed Mr Salteena and he placed a £10 note on the
+desk. His Lordship slipped it in his trouser pocket. It will be £42
+before I have done with you he said but you can pay me here and there
+as convenient.
+
+Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena.
+
+Not at all said the Earl and now to bissness. While here you will live
+in compartments in the basement known as Lower Range. You will get
+many hints from the Groom of the Chambers as to clothes and [Pg 57]
+ettiquett to menials. You will mix with me for grammer and I might take
+you out hunting or shooting sometimes to give you a few tips. Also I
+have lots of ladies partys which you will attend occasionally.
+
+Mr Salteenas eyes flashed with excitement. I shall enjoy that he
+cried.
+
+His Lordship coughed loudly. You may not marry while under instruction
+he said firmly.
+
+Oh I shall not need to thankyou said Mr Salteena.
+
+You must also decide on a profeshion said his Lordship as your
+instruction will vary according.
+
+Could I be anything at Buckingham Pallace said Mr Salteena with
+flashing eyes.
+
+Oh well I dont quite know said the noble earl but you might perhaps
+gallopp beside the royal baroushe if you care to try.
+
+Oh indeed I should cried Mr Salteena I am very fond of fresh air and
+royalties.
+
+Well said the earl with a knowing smile [Pg 58] I might arrange it with
+the prince of Wales who I am rarther intimate with.
+
+Not really gasped Mr Salteena.
+
+Dear me yes remarked the earl carelessly and if we decide for you to
+gallopp by the royal viacle you must be mesured for some plush
+knickerbockers at once.
+
+Mr Salteena glanced at his rarther fat legs and sighed.
+
+Well I must go out now and call on a few Dowigers said his Lordship
+picking up his elegent top hat. Well au revoir he added with a good
+french accent.
+
+Adieu my Lord cried Mr Salteena not to be out done we meet anon I take
+it.
+
+Not till tomorrow answered the earl you will now proceed to the lower
+regions where you will no doubt find tea. He nodded kindly and glided
+out in silence.
+
+Here I will end my chapter.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 59]
+CHAPTER 6
+
+HIGH LIFE
+
+
+Mr Salteena awoke next morning in his small but pleasant room. It was
+done in green and white with Monagrams on the toilit set. He had a
+tiny white bed with a green quilt and a picture of the Nativaty and
+one of Windsor Castle on the walls. The sun was shining over all these
+things as Mr Salteena opened his sleepy eyes. Just then there was rat
+tat on the door. Come in called Mr Salteena and in came Edward
+Procurio ballancing a tray very cleverly. He looked most elegant with
+his shiny black hair and pale yellow face and half shut eyes. He
+smiled in a very mystearious and superier way as he placed the tray on
+Mr Salteenas pointed knees.
+
+Your early beverage he announced and [Pg 60] began to pull up the blinds
+still smiling to himself.
+
+Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena feeling very towzld compared to this
+grand fellow. Then to his great supprise Procurio began to open the
+wardrobe and look at Mr Salteenas suits making italian exclamations
+under his breath. Mr Salteena dare not say a word so he swollowed his
+tea and eat a Marie biscuit hastilly. Presently Procurio advanced to
+the bed with a bright blue serge suit. Will you wear this today sir he
+asked quietly.
+
+Oh certainly said Mr Salteena.
+
+And a clean shirt would not come amiss said Procurio what about this
+pale blue and white stripe.
+
+With pleashure replied Mr Salteena. So Procurio laid them out in neat
+array also a razer and brush for shaving. Then he opened a door saying
+This is the bath room shall I turn on hot or cold.
+
+[Pg 61]
+I dont mind said Mr Salteena feeling very hot and ignorant.
+
+It is best for you to decide sir said Procurio firmly.
+
+Well I will try cold said Mr Salteena feeling it was more manly to say
+that. Procurio bowed and beat a retreat to the bath room. Then he
+returned and told Mr. Salteena that when he was washed he would find
+his breakfast in the sitting room. When Mr Salteena was dressed in his
+best blue suit and clean shirt he stroled into the sitting room where
+a gay canary was singing fit to burst in the window and a copple of
+doves cooing in a whicker cage. A cheery smell greeted him as Procurio
+glided in with some steaming coffie. Mr Salteena felt more at home and
+passed a few remarks about the weather. Procurio smiled and uncovered
+some lovely kidnys on toast and as he did so bent and whispered in Mr
+Salteenas ear you could have come in in your dressing gown.
+
+[Pg 62]
+Mr Salteena gave a start. Oh can I he said ten thousand thanks.
+
+Then Procurio passed out and Mr Salteena finnished his kidneys and
+chiruped to the birds and had a cigarette from a handsome purple box
+which he found on the desk. Then Procurio entered once more and with a
+bow said. His lordship is going to a levie this morning and thinks it
+might amuse you to go too. Could you be ready by 11 oclock.
+
+Oh yes what fun said Mr Salteena have you any notion what a levie is
+my man.
+
+Procurio gave a superier smile. It is a party given by the Queen to
+very superier peaple but this one is given by the Prince of Wales as
+the Queen is not quite her usual self today. It will be at Buckingham
+palace so you will drive with his lordship.
+
+Mr Salteena was fearfully excited. What shall I weare he gasped.
+
+Well of course you ought to have black satin knickerbockers and a hat
+with white [Pg 63] feathers also garters and a star or two.
+
+You supprise me said Mr Salteena I have none of those articles.
+
+Well said Procurio kindly his lordship will lend you his second best
+cocked hat as you are obliged to wear one and I think with a little
+thourght I might rig you up so as to pass muster.
+
+Then they rumaged among Mr Salteenas things and Procurio got very
+intelligent and advised Mr Salteena to were his black evening suit and
+role up his trousers. He also lent him a pair of white silk stockings
+which he fastened tightly round his knees with red rosettes. Then he
+quickly cut out a star in silver paper and pinned it to his chest and
+also added a strip of red ribbon across his shirt front. Then Mr
+Salteena survayed himself in the glass. Is it a fancy dress party he
+asked.
+
+No they always were that kind of thing but wait till you see his
+Lordship--if you are ready sir I will conduct you in.
+
+[Pg 64]
+Mr Salteena followed Procurio up countless stairs till they came to
+the Earls compartments and tapped on the bedroom door.
+
+Come in cried a merry voice and in they strode.
+
+I have done my best with Mr Salteena my lord I trust he will do the
+hat of course will make a deal of diffrence.
+
+Mr Salteena bowed nervously wishing he had got correct knickerbockers
+as his trousers did not feel too firm in spite of the garters.
+
+Not half bad cried the earl try on the hat Salteena it is on my bed.
+Mr Salteena placed it on his head and the feathers and gold braid
+became him very well but he felt very jellous of the earl who looked a
+sight for the gods. He had proper satin knickerbockers with diamond
+clasps and buckled shoes and black silk stockings which showed up his
+long fine legs. He had a floppy shirt of softist muslin with real lace
+collar and cuffs. A sword hung at [Pg 65] his side and a crimson sash
+was round his waist and a splendid cocked hat on his head. His blue
+eyes twinkled as he pulled on a pair of white kid gloves.
+
+Well come on Salteena he cried and dont be nervus I will get you a
+pair of knickers tomorrow. Will you get a hansome Procurio.
+
+Presently the earl and Mr Salteena were clattering away to Buckingham
+palace.
+
+You wont mind if I introduce you as Lord Hyssops do you said the earl
+as he lit his pipe. You see you are sort of mixed up with the family
+so it wont matter and will look better.
+
+So it would said Mr Salteena what do we do at the levie.
+
+Oh we strole round and eat ices and champaigne and that kind of thing
+and sometimes there is a little music.
+
+Is there any dancing asked Mr Salteena.
+
+Well not always said the Earl.
+
+I am glad of that said Mr Salteena I am [Pg 66] not so nimble as I was
+and my garters are a trifle tight.
+
+Sometimes we talk about the laws and politics said the earl if Her
+Majesty is in that kind of a mood.
+
+Just then the splendid edifice appeared in view and Mr Salteena licked
+his dry lips at sight of the vast crowd. All round were carrages full
+of costly peaple and outside the railings stood tall Life Guards
+keeping off the mere peaple who had gathered to watch the nobility
+clatter up. Lord Clincham began to bow right and left raising his
+cocked hat to his friends. There was a lot of laughter and friendly
+words as the cab finally drew up at the front door. Two tall life
+guards whisked open the doors and one of them kindly tipped the
+cabman. Mr Salteena followed his lordship up the grand steps trying to
+feel as homely as he could. Then a splendid looking fellow in a red
+tunick and a sort of black velvit tam a [Pg 67] shanter stepped forward
+from the throng shouting what name please.
+
+The Earl of Clincham and Lord Hyssops calmly replied the earl gently
+nudging Mr Salteena to act up. Mr Salteena nodded and blinked at the
+menial as much as to say all is well and then he and the earl hung up
+their cocked hats on two pegs. This way cried a deep voice and another
+menial apeared wearing stiff white britches top boots and a green
+velvit coat with a leather belt also a very shiny top hat. They
+followed this fellow down countless corridoors and finally came to big
+folding doors. The earl twiddled his mustache and slapped his leg with
+his white glove as calmly as could be. Mr Salteena purspired rarther
+hard and gave a hitch to his garters to make sure.
+
+Then the portles divided and their names were shouted in chorus by
+countless domesticks. The sumshious room was packed with men of a
+noble nature dressed like the earl in satin knickerboccers etc and
+with [Pg 68] ladies of every hue with long trains and jewels by the
+dozen. You could hardly moove in the gay throng. Dukes were as nought
+as there were a good lot of princes and Arch Dukes as it was a very
+superier levie indeed. The earl and Mr Salteena struggled through the
+crowd till they came to a platform draped with white velvit. Here on a
+golden chair was seated the prince of Wales in a lovely ermine cloak
+and a small but costly crown. He was chatting quite genially with some
+of the crowd.
+
+Up clambered the earl followed at top speed by Mr Salteena.
+
+Hullo Clincham cried the Prince quite homely and not at all grand so
+glad you turned up--quite a squash eh.
+
+A bit over powering your Highness said the earl who was quite used to
+all this may I introduce my friend Lord Hyssops he is staying with me
+so I thought I would bring him along if you dont mind Prince.
+
+Not at all cried the genial prince looking [Pg 69] rarther supprised.
+Mr Salteena bowed so low he nearly fell off the platform and as the
+prince put out a hand Mr Salteena thought he had better kiss it. The
+Prince smiled kindly I am pleased to see you Lord Hyssops he said in a
+regal voice.
+
+Then the Earl chipped in and how is the dear Queen he said reveruntly.
+
+Not up to much said his Highness she feels the heat poor soul and he
+waved to a placard which said in large letters The Queen is
+indisposed.
+
+Presently his Highness rose I think I will have a quiet glass of
+champaigne he said you come too Clincham and bring your friend the
+Diplomats are arriving and I am not much in the mood for deep talk I
+have already signed a dozen documents so I have done my duty.
+
+They all went out by a private door and found themselves in a smaller
+but gorgous room. The Prince tapped on the table and instantly two
+menials in red tunics appeared. [Pg 70] Bring three glasses of champaigne
+commanded the prince and some ices he added majestikally. The goods
+appeared as if by majic and the prince drew out a cigar case and
+passed it round.
+
+One grows weary of Court Life he remarked.
+
+Ah yes agreed the earl.
+
+It upsets me said the prince lapping up his strawberry ice all I want
+is peace and quiut and a little fun and here I am tied down to this
+life he said taking off his crown being royal has many painfull
+drawbacks.
+
+True mused the Earl.
+
+Silence fell and the strains of the band could be heard from the next
+room. Suddenly the prince gazed at Mr Salteena. Who did you say you
+were he asked in a puzzled tone.
+
+Lord Hyssops responded our hero growing purple at the lie.
+
+Well you are not a bit like the Lord [Pg 71] Hyssops I know replied the
+Prince could you explain matters.
+
+Mr Salteena gazed helplessly at the earl who had grown very pale and
+seemed lost for the moment. However he quickly recovered.
+
+He is quite alright really Prince he said His mother was called Miss
+Hyssops of the Glen.
+
+Indeed said his royal Highness that sounds correct but who was your
+father eh.
+
+Then Mr Salteena thourght he would not tell a lie so in trembly tones
+he muttered My poor father was but a butcher your Highness a very
+honest one I may add and passing rich he was called Domonic Salteena
+and my name is Alfred Salteena.
+
+The Prince stroked his yellow beard and rarther admired Mr Salteena
+for his truthful utterance--Oh I see he said well why did you palm off
+on my menials as Lord Hyssops eh
+
+Mr Salteena wiped his swetting brow but [Pg 72] the earl came to the
+rescue nobly. My fault entirely Prince he chimed in, as I was bringing
+him to this very supearier levie I thought it would be better to say he
+was of noble birth have I offended your Royal dignity.
+
+Not much said the prince it was a laudible notion and perhaps I will
+ask Mr Salteena to one of my big balls some day.
+
+Oh your Highness gasped our hero falling on one knee that would indeed
+be a treat.
+
+I suppose Prince you have not got a job going at this palace for my
+friend asked the earl you see I am rubbing him up in socierty ways and
+he fancies court life as a professhon.
+
+Oh dose he said the prince blinking his eyes well I might see.
+
+I suggested if there was a vacency going he might try cantering after
+the royal barouche said the earl.
+
+So he might said the prince I will speak [Pg 73] to the prime Minister
+about it and let you know.
+
+Ten thousand thanks cried Mr Salteena bowing low.
+
+Well now I must get along back to the levie announced the prince
+putting on his crown I have booked a valse with the Arch duchess of
+Greenwich and this is her favorite tune. So saying they issued back to
+the big room where the nobility were whirling gaily roand the more
+searious peaple such as the prime minister and the admirals etc were
+eating ices and talking passionately about the laws in a low
+undertone.
+
+The earl was soon mingling gaily in a set of lancers but Mr Salteena
+dare not because of his trousers. However he sat on a velvit chair and
+quite enjoyed over hearing the intelligent conversation of the prime
+minister. And now we will leave our hero enjoying his glimpse of high
+life and return to Ethel Monticue.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 74]
+CHAPTER 7
+
+BERNARDS IDEAR
+
+
+After Mr Salteena had departed Bernard Clark thourght he would show
+Ethel over his house so they spent a merry morning so doing. Ethel
+passed bright remarks on all the rooms and Bernard thourght she was
+most pretty and Ethel began to be a bit excited. After a lovly lunch
+they sat in the gloomy hall and Ethel began to feel very glad Mr
+Salteena was not there. Suddenly Bernard lit his pipe I was thinking
+he said passionately what about going up to London for a weeks
+Gaierty.
+
+Who inquired Ethel in a low tone.
+
+You and me said Bernard I know of several splendid hotels and we could
+go to theaters and parties and enjoy ourselves to the full.
+
+[Pg 75]
+So we could what an idear cried Ethel.
+
+So the merry plan was all arranged and they spent the afternoon in
+packing there trunks. Next day they were all ready in the hall when
+the handsome viacle once more clattered up. Ethel had on her blue
+velvit get up and a sweet new hat and plenty of ruge on her face and
+looked quite a seemly counterpart for Bernard who was arrayed in a
+white and shiny mackintosh top boots and a well brushed top hat tied
+on to him with a bit of black elastick.
+
+Well goodbye Minnit he cried to the somber butler take care of your
+gout and the silver and I will pay your wages when I come back.
+
+Thankyou kindly sir murmured Minnit when may I expect your return.
+
+Oh well I will wire he said and dashed doun the steps.
+
+Ethel followed with small lady like steps having bowed perlitely to
+Minnit who closed his eyes in acknowlegment of her kindness.
+
+[Pg 76]
+The sun was shining and Ethel had the feeling of going to a very jolly
+party and felt so sorry for all the passers by who were not going to
+London with Bernard.
+
+Arrived in the gay city Bernard hailed a eab to the manner born and
+got in followed by Ethel. Kindly drive us to the Gaierty Hotel he
+cried in a firm tone. The cabman waved his whip and off they dashed.
+
+We shall be highly comfortable and select at the Gaierty said Bernard
+and he thourght to himself how lovly it would be if he was married to
+Ethel. He blushed a deep shade at his own thourghts and gave a side
+long glance at Ethel who was gazing out of the window. Well one never
+knows he murmerd to himself and as one of the poets says great events
+from trivil causes springs.
+
+Just then they stopped at the gay hotel and Ethel was spellbound at
+the size of the big hall--Bernard poked his head into the window of
+the pay desk. Have you a coupple [Pg 77] of bedrooms for self and young
+lady he enquired in a lordly way.
+
+A very handsome lady with golden hair and a lace apron glanced at a
+book and hastilly replied Oh yes sir two beauties on the 1st floor
+number 9 and 10.
+
+Thankyou said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection.
+
+None whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the
+view is quite pleasant.
+
+Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh.
+
+Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile.
+
+They went upstairs and entered number 9 a very fine compartment with a
+large douny bed and white doors with glass handles leading into number
+10 an equally dainty room but a trifle smaller.
+
+Which will you have Ethel asked Bernard.
+
+Oh well I would rarther you settled it [Pg 78] said Ethel. I am willing
+to abide by your choice.
+
+The best shall be yours then said Bernard bowing gallantly and
+pointing to the biggest room.
+
+Ethel blushed at his speaking look. I shall be quite lost in that huge
+bed she added to hide her embarassment.
+
+Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now what about a little table
+d'ote followed by a theater.
+
+Oh yes cried Ethel and downstairs they went.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 79]
+CHAPTER 8
+
+A GAY CALL
+
+
+I tell you what Ethel said Bernard Clark about a week later we might
+go and pay a call on my pal the Earl of Clincham.
+
+Oh do lets cried Ethel who was game for any new adventure I would
+dearly love to meet his lordship.
+
+Bernard gave a frown of jellousy at her rarther mere words.
+
+Well dress in your best he muttered.
+
+Ethel skipped into her bedroom and arrayd herself in a grass green
+muslin of decent cut a lace scarf long faun colored kid gloves and a
+muslin hat to correspond. She carried a parasole in one hand also a
+green silk bag containing a few stray hair pins a clean handkerchief
+five shillings and a pot of ruge in case. She looked a dainty vishen
+[Pg 80] with her fair hair waving in the breeze and Bernard bit his lips
+rarther hard for he could hardly contain himself and felt he must
+marry Ethel soon. He looked a handsome sight himself in some exquisite
+white trousers with a silk shirt and a pale blue blazer belt and cap.
+He wore this in honour of the earl who had been to Cambridge in his
+youth and so had Bernard Clark.
+
+At last they found themselves in the entrance hall of the Crystale
+palace and speedily made their way to the privite compartments. Edward
+Procurio was walking up and down the passage looking dark and
+mystearious as usual.
+
+Is His Lordship at home cried Bernard Clark cheerily.
+
+Which one asked Procurio many lords live here he said scornfully.
+
+Well I mean the Earl of Clincham said Bernard.
+
+Oh yes he is in responded Procurio and to the best of my belief giving
+a party.
+
+[Pg 81]
+Indeed ejaculated Bernard we have come in the nick of time Ethel he
+added. Yes said Ethel in an excited tone.
+
+Then they pealed on the bell and the door flew open. Sounds of
+laughter and comic songs issued from the abode and in a second they
+were in the crowded drawing room. It was packed with all the Elite and
+a stout duchess with a good natured face was singing a lively song and
+causing much merriment. The earl strode forward at sight of two new
+comers. Hullo Bernard old boy he cried this is a pleasure and who have
+you got with you he added glancing at Ethel.
+
+Oh this is Miss Monticue said Bernard shall I introduce you----
+
+If you will be so good said the Earl in an affable tone and Bernard
+hastily performed the right. Ethel began a bright conversatiun while
+Bernard stroled off to see if he could find any friends amid the
+throng.
+
+[Pg 82]
+What pleasant compartments you have cried Ethel in rarther a socierty
+tone.
+
+Fairly so so responded the Earl do you lire in London he added in a
+loud tone as someone was playing a very difficult peice on the piano.
+
+Well no I dont said Ethel my home is really in Northumberland but I am
+at present stopping with Mr Clark at the Gaierty Hotel she continud in
+a somewhat showing off tone.
+
+Oh I see said the earl well shall I introduce you to a few of my
+friends.
+
+Of please do said Ethel with a dainty blow at her nose.
+
+The earl disserppeard into the madding crowd and presently came back
+with a middle aged gentleman. This is Lord Hyssops he said my friend
+Miss Monticue he added genially.
+
+Ethel turned a dull yellaw. Lord Hyssops she said in a faint voice why
+it is Mr Salteena I know him well.
+
+[Pg 83]
+Hush cried the Earl it is a title bestowd recently by my friend the
+Prince of Wales.
+
+Yes indeed murmered Mr Salteena deeply flabbergasted by the ready wit
+of the earl.
+
+Oh indeed said Ethel in a peevish tone well how do you come to be
+here.
+
+I am stopping with his Lordship said Mr Salteena and have a set of
+compartments in the basement so there.
+
+I dont care said huffy Ethel I am in handsome rooms at the Gaierty.
+
+Nothing could be nicer I am sure struck in the earl what do you say
+Hyssops eh.
+
+Doubtless it is charming said Mr Salteena who was wanting peace tell
+me Ethel how did you leave Bernard.
+
+I have not left him said Ethel in an annoying voice I am stopping with
+him at the gaierty and we have been to lots of theaters and dances.
+
+Well I am glad you are enjoying yourself said Mr Salteena kindly you
+had been looking pale of late.
+
+[Pg 84]
+No wonder in your stuffy domain cried Ethel well have you got any more
+friends she added turning to the earl.
+
+Well I will see said the obliging earl and he once more disapeared.
+
+I dont know why you should turn against me Ethel said Mr Salteena in a
+low tone.
+
+Ethel patted her hair and looked very sneery. Well I call it very
+mystearious you going off and getting a title said Ethel and I think
+our friendship had better stop as no doubt you will soon be marrying a
+duchess or something.
+
+Not at all said Mr Salteena you must know Ethel he said blushing a
+deep red I always wished to marry you some fine day.
+
+This is news to me cried Ethel still peevish.
+
+But not to me murmered Mr Salteena and his voice trembled in his
+chest. I may add that I have always loved you and now I seem to do so
+madly he added passionately.
+
+[Pg 85]
+But I dont love you responded Ethel.
+
+But if you married me you might get to said Mr Salteena.
+
+I think not replied Ethel and all the same it is very kind of you to
+ask me and she smiled more nicely at him.
+
+This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my life will
+be sour grapes and ashes without you.
+
+Be a man said Ethel in a gentle whisper and I shall always think of
+you in a warm manner.
+
+Well half a loaf is better than no bread responded Mr Salteena in a
+gloomy voice and just then the earl reappeard with a very brisk lady
+in a tight silk dress whose name was called Lady Gay Finchling and her
+husband was a General but had been dead a few years. So this is Miss
+Monticue she began in a rarther high voice. Oh yes said Ethel and Mr
+Salteena wiped the foaming dew from his forehead. Little did Lady [Pg 86]
+Gay Finchling guess she had just disturbed a proposal of marrage.
+
+The Earl chimed into the conversation now and again and Lady Gay
+Finchling told several rarther witty stories to enliven the party.
+Then Bernard Clark came up and said they had better be going.
+
+Well goodbye Clincham he said I must say I have enjoyed this party
+most rechauffie I call it dont you Ethel.
+
+Most cried Ethel I suppose you often come she added in a tone of envy
+to Lady Gay Finchling.
+
+Pretty often said Lady G. F. well goodbye as I see you are in a hurry
+to be off and she dashed off towards the refreshment place.
+
+Goodbye Ethel said poor Mr Salteena in a spasam and he seized hold of
+her hand you will one day rue your wicked words farewell he repeated
+emphatically.
+
+Oh well goodbye said Ethel in a vage tone and then turning to the earl
+she said [Pg 87] I have enjoyed myself very much thankyou.
+
+Please dont mention it cried the earl well goodbye Bernard he added I
+shall look you up some day at your hotel.
+
+Yes do muttered Bernard always welcome Clincham old boy he added
+placing his blue crickit cap on his head and so saying he and Ethel
+left the gay scene and once more oozed fourth into the streets of
+London.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 88]
+CHAPTER 9
+
+A PROPOSALE
+
+
+Next morning while imbibing his morning tea beneath his pink silken
+quilt Bernard decided he must marry Ethel with no more delay. I love
+the girl he said to himself and she must be mine but I somehow feel I
+can not propose in London it would not be seemly in the city of
+London. We must go for a day in the country and when surrounded by the
+gay twittering of the birds and the smell of the cows I will lay my
+suit at her feet and he waved his arm wildly at the gay thought. Then
+he sprang from bed and gave a rat tat at Ethels door.
+
+Are you up my dear he called.
+
+Well not quite said Ethel hastilly jumping from her downy nest.
+
+Be quick cried Bernard I have a plan to [Pg 89] spend a day near Windsor
+Castle and we will take our lunch and spend a happy day.
+
+Oh Hurrah shouted Ethel I shall soon be ready as I had my bath last
+night so wont wash very much now.
+
+No dont said Bernard and added in a rarther fervent tone through the
+chink of the door you are fresher than the rose my dear no soap could
+make you fairer.
+
+Then he dashed off very embarrased to dress. Ethel blushed and felt a
+bit excited as she heard the words and she put on a new white muslin
+dress in a fit of high spirits. She looked very beautifull with some
+red roses in her hat and the dainty red ruge in her cheeks looked
+quite the thing. Bernard heaved a sigh and his eyes flashed as he
+beheld her and Ethel thorght to herself what a fine type of manhood he
+reprisented with his nice thin legs in pale broun trousers and well
+fitting spats and a red rose in his button hole and rarther a sporting
+cap which gave him a great air [Pg 90] with its quaint check and little
+flaps to pull down if necesarry. Off they started the envy of all the
+waiters.
+
+They arrived at Windsor very hot from the jorney and Bernard at once
+hired a boat to row his beloved up the river. Ethel could not row but
+she much enjoyed seeing the tough sunburnt arms of Bernard tugging at
+the oars as she lay among the rich cushons of the dainty boat. She had
+a rarther lazy nature but Bernard did not know of this. However he
+soon got dog tired and sugested lunch by the mossy bank.
+
+Oh yes said Ethel quickly opening the sparkling champaigne.
+
+Dont spill any cried Bernard as he carved some chicken.
+
+They eat and drank deeply of the charming viands ending up with
+merangs and choclates.
+
+Let us now bask under the spreading trees said Bernard in a passiunate
+tone.
+
+Oh yes lets said Ethel and she opened her [Pg 91] dainty parasole and
+sank down upon the long green grass. She closed her eyes but she was far
+from asleep. Bernard sat beside her in profound silence gazing at her
+pink face and long wavy eye lashes. He puffed at his pipe for some
+moments while the larks gaily caroled in the blue sky. Then he edged a
+trifle closer to Ethels form.
+
+Ethel he murmured in a trembly voice.
+
+Oh what is it said Ethel hastily sitting up.
+
+Words fail me ejaculated Bernard horsly my passion for you is intense
+he added fervently. It has grown day and night since I first beheld
+you.
+
+Oh said Ethel in supprise I am not prepared for this and she lent back
+against the trunk of the tree.
+
+Bernard placed one arm tightly round her. When will you marry me Ethel
+he uttered you must be my wife it has come to that I love you so
+intensly that if you say no I shall perforce dash my body to the
+[Pg 92] brink of yon muddy river he panted wildly.
+
+Oh dont do that implored Ethel breathing rarther hard.
+
+Then say you love me he cried.
+
+Oh Bernard she sighed fervently I certinly love you madly you are to
+me like a Heathen god she cried looking at his manly form and handsome
+flashing face I will indeed marry you.
+
+How soon gasped Bernard gazing at her intensly.
+
+As soon as possible said Ethel gently closing her eyes.
+
+My Darling whispered Bernard and he seiezed her in his arms we will be
+marrid next week.
+
+Oh Bernard muttered Ethel this is so sudden.
+
+No no cried Bernard and taking the bull by both horns he kissed her
+violently on her dainty face. My bride to be he murmered several
+times.
+
+[Pg 93]
+Ethel trembled with joy as she heard the mistick words.
+
+Oh Bernard she said little did I ever dream of such as this and she
+suddenly fainted into his out stretched arms.
+
+Oh I say gasped Bernard and laying the dainty burden on the grass he
+dashed to the waters edge and got a cup full of the fragrant river to
+pour on his true loves pallid brow.
+
+She soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile Take me back to the
+Gaierty hotel she whispered faintly.
+
+With plesure my darling said Bernard I will just pack up our viands
+ere I unloose the boat.
+
+Ethel felt better after a few drops of champagne and began to tidy her
+hair while Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm
+they tottered to the boat.
+
+I trust you have not got an illness my darling murmured Bernard as he
+helped her in.
+
+[Pg 94]
+Oh no I am very strong said Ethel I fainted from joy she added to
+explain matters.
+
+Oh I see said Bernard handing her a cushon well some people do he
+added kindly and so saying they rowed down the dark stream now flowing
+silently beneath a golden moon. All was silent as the lovers glided
+home with joy in their hearts and radiunce on their faces only the
+sound of the mystearious water lapping against the frail vessel broke
+the monotony of the night.
+
+So I will end my chapter.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 95]
+CHAPTER 10
+
+PREPARING FOR THE FRAY
+
+
+The next few days were indeed bussy for Ethel and Bernard. First of
+all Ethel got some dainty pink note paper with silver crest on it and
+sent out invitations in the following terms to all their frends.
+
+  Miss Ethel Monticue will be married to
+  Mr Bernard Clark at Westminster Abbey
+  on June 10th. Your company is requested
+  there at 2-30 sharp and afterwards
+  for refreshment at the Gaierty Hotel.
+  R.S.V.P.
+
+Having posted heaps of these and got several replies Ethel began to
+order her wedding dress which cost a good bit. She chose a rich satin
+with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a long
+train [Pg 96] edged with Airum lilies. Her veil was of pure lace with a
+crown of orange blossum. Her bouquett she ordered to be of white dog
+daisies St. Joseph lilies and orange blossums tied up with pale blue
+satin ribbon.
+
+You will indeed be a charming spectacle my darling gasped Bernard as
+they left the shop. Then they drove to the tailor where Bernard
+ordered an elligant black suit with coat tails lined with crimson
+satin and a pale lavender tie and an opera hat of the same hue and he
+intended to wear violets in his buttonholes also his best white spats
+diamond studs and a few extras of costly air. They both ordered a lot
+of new clothes besides and Bernard gave Ethel a very huge tara made of
+rubies and diamonds also two rich bracelets and Ethel gave him a bran
+new trunk of shiny green leather. The earl of Clincham sent a charming
+gift of some hem stitched sheets edged with real lace and a photo of
+himself in a striking attitude. [Pg 97] Mr Salteena sent Ethel a bible
+with a few pious words of advice and regret and he sent Bernard a very
+handy little camp stool. Ethels parents were too poor to come so far but
+her Mother sent her a gold watch which did not go but had been some years
+in the family and her father provided a cheque for £2 and promised to
+send her a darling little baby calf when ready. Then they ordered the
+most splendid refreshments they had tea and coffie and sparkling wines
+to drink also a lovly wedding cake of great height with a sugar angel
+at the top holding a sword made of almond paste. They had countless
+cakes besides also ices jelly merangs jam tarts with plenty of jam on
+each some cold tongue some ham with salid and a pig's head done up in
+a wondrous manner. Ethel could hardly contain herself as she gazed at
+the sumpshious repast and Bernard gave her a glass of rich wine while
+he imbibed some whiskey before going to bed. Ethel got speedilly into
+her [Pg 98] bed for the last time at the dear old Gaierty and shed a few
+salt tears thinking of her past life but she quickly cheerd up and began
+to plan about how many children she would have. I hope I shall have a
+good lot she thourght to herself and so saying fell into repose.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 99]
+CHAPTER 11
+
+THE WEDDING
+
+
+The Abbey was indeed thronged next day when Ethel and Bernard cantered
+up in a very fine carrage drawn by two prancing steeds who foamed a
+good deal. In the porch stood several clean altar boys who conducted
+the lucky pair up the aile while the organ pealed a merry blast The
+mighty edifice was packed and seated in the front row was the Earl of
+Clincham looking very brisk as he was going to give Ethel away at the
+correct moment. Beside him sat Mr Salteena all in black and looking
+bitterly sad and he ground his teeth as Ethel came marching up. There
+were some merry hymns and as soon as Ethel and Bernard were one the
+clergyman began a sermon about Adam and Eve and the serpent and [Pg 100]
+Mr Salteena cried into his large handkerchief and the earl kept on
+nudging him as his sniffs were rarther loud. Then the wedding march
+pealed fourth and doun the church stepped Ethel and Bernard as husband
+and wife. Into the cab they got and speedelly dashed off to the
+Gaierty. The wedding refreshments were indeed a treat to all and even
+Mr Salteena cheered up when he beheld the wedding cake and sparkling
+wines. Then the earl got up and made a very fine speech about marrage
+vows and bliss and he quoted several good bits from the bible which
+got a lot of applause. Bernard replied in good round terms. I thank
+your lordship for those kind remarks he said in clear tones I expect
+we shall be as happy as a lark and I hope you will all be ditto some
+day. Here Here muttered a stray lady in the crowd and down sat Bernard
+while Ethel went up to change her wedding garment for a choice pink
+velvit dress with a golden gurdle and a very chick tocque. Bernard
+[Pg 101] also put on a new suit of blue stripe and some silk socks and
+clean under clothing. Hurah hurah shouted the guests as the pair
+reappeard in the aforesaid get ups. Then everybody got a bag of rice and
+sprinkled on the pair and Mr Salteena sadly threw a white tennis shoe
+at them wiping his eyes the while. Off drove the happy pair and the
+guests finished up the food. The happy pair went to Egypt for there
+Honymoon as they thought it would be a nice warm spot and they had
+never seen the wondrous land. Ethel was a bit sick on the boat but
+Bernard braved the storm in manly style. However Ethel had recovered
+by the time they got to Egypt and here we will leave them for a merry
+six weeks of bliss while we return to England.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 102]
+CHAPTER 12
+
+HOW IT ENDED
+
+
+Mr Salteena by the aid of the earl and the kindness of the Prince of
+Wales managed to get the job his soul craved and any day might be seen
+in Hyde park or Pickadilly galloping madly after the Royal Carrage in
+a smart suit of green velvit with knickerbockers compleat. At first he
+was rarther terrified as he was not used to riding and he found his
+horse bumped him a good deal and he had to cling on desperatly to its
+flowing main. At other times the horse would stop dead and Mr Salteena
+would use his spurs and bad languige with no avail. But he soon got
+more used to his fresh and sultry steed and His Royal Highness seemed
+satisfide.
+
+The Earl continued his merry life at the [Pg 103] Compartments till
+finally he fell in love with one of the noble ladies who haunted them.
+She was not so pretty as Ethel as she had rarther a bulgy figure and
+brown eyes but she had lovely raven tresses a pointed nose and a rose
+like complexion of a dainty hue. She had very nice feet and plenty of
+money. Her name was called Lady Helena Herring and her age was 25 and
+she mated well with the earl.
+
+Mr Salteena grew very lonely after the earl was marrid and he could
+not bear a single life any more so failing Ethel he marrid one of the
+maids in waiting at Buckingham palace by name Bessie Topp a plesant
+girl of 18 with a round red face and rarther stary eyes.
+
+So now that all our friends are marrid I will add a few words about
+their familys. Ethel and Bernard returned from their Honymoon with a
+son and hair a nice fat baby called Ignatius Bernard. They soon [Pg 104]
+had six more children four boys and three girls and some of them were
+twins which was very exciting.
+
+The Earl only got two rarther sickly girls called Helen and Marie
+because the last one looked slightly french.
+
+Mr Salteena had a large family of 10 five of each but he grew very
+morose as the years rolled by and his little cottage was very noisy
+and his wife was a bit annoying at times especially when he took to
+dreaming of Ethel and wishing he could have marrid her. Still he was a
+pius man in his way and found relief in prayer.
+
+Bernard Clark was the happiest of our friends as he loved Ethel to the
+bitter end and so did she him and they had a nice house too.
+
+The Earl soon got tired of his sickly daughters and his wife had a
+savage temper so he thourght he would divorce her and try again but he
+gave up the idear after [Pg 105] several attempts and decided to offer
+it up as a Mortification.
+
+So now my readers we will say farewell to the characters in this book.
+
+                                 The End
+
+                             by Daisy Ashford
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's
+Plan, by Daisy Ashford
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's Plan, by 
+Daisy Ashford
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's Plan
+
+Author: Daisy Ashford
+
+Release Date: May 11, 2007 [EBook #21415]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YOUNG VISITERS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David T. Jones and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<img src="images/author.jpg" width="400" height="566" alt="Picture of the Author" title="" />
+</div>
+<h5>THE AUTHOR</h5>
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+<h2>THE</h2>
+<h1>YOUNG VISITERS</h1>
+<h3>OR, MR SALTEENA'S PLAN</h3>
+<br />
+<h5><span class="smcap">By</span></h5>
+<h3>DAISY ASHFORD</h3>
+<br />
+<h5>WITH A PREFACE BY</h5>
+<h3>J. M. BARRIE</h3>
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 61px;">
+<img src="images/logo.jpg" width="61" height="60" alt="" title="" />
+</div>
+<h4>NEW YORK<br />
+GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY</h4>
+
+<h6><i>Published</i>, 1919,<br />
+<i>By George H. Doran Company</i></h6>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<h6><i>Printed in the United States of America</i></h6>
+
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE"></a>PREFACE</h2>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>The "owner of the copyright" guarantees that "The Young Visiters" is
+the unaided effort in fiction of an authoress of nine years. "Effort,"
+however, is an absurd word to use, as you may see by studying the
+triumphant countenance of the child herself, which is here reproduced
+as frontispiece to her sublime work. This is no portrait of a writer
+who had to burn the oil at midnight (indeed there is documentary
+evidence that she was hauled off to bed every evening at six): it has
+an air of careless power; there is a complacency about it that by the
+severe might perhaps be called smugness. It needed no effort for that
+face to knock off a masterpiece. It probably represents precisely how
+she looked when she finished a chapter. When she was actually at work
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span>
+I think the expression was more solemn, with the tongue firmly
+clenched between the teeth; an unholy rapture showing as she drew near
+her love chapter. Fellow-craftsmen will see that she is looking
+forward to this chapter all the time.</p>
+
+<p>The manuscript is in pencil in a stout little note book (twopence),
+and there it has lain for years, for though the authoress was nine
+when she wrote it she is now a grown woman. It has lain, in lavender
+as it were, in the dumpy note book, waiting for a publisher to ride
+that way and rescue it; and here he is at last, not a bit afraid that
+to this age it may appear "Victorian." Indeed if its pictures of High
+Life are accurate (as we cannot doubt, the authoress seems always so
+sure of her facts) they had a way of going on in those times which is
+really surprising. Even the grand historical figures were free and
+easy, such as King Edward, of whom we have perhaps the most human
+picture ever penned, as he appears at a lev&eacute;e "rather sumshiously," in
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span>
+a "small but costly crown," and afterwards slips away to tuck into
+ices. It would seem in particular that we are oddly wrong in our idea
+of the young Victorian lady as a person more shy and shrinking than
+the girl of to-day. The Ethel of this story is a fascinating creature
+who would have a good time wherever there were a few males, but no
+longer could she voyage through life quite so jollily without
+attracting the attention of the censorious. Chaperon seems to be one
+of the very few good words of which our authoress had never heard.</p>
+
+<p>The lady she had grown into, the "owner of the copyright" already
+referred to, gives me a few particulars of this child she used to be,
+and is evidently a little scared by her. We should probably all be a
+little scared (though proud) if that portrait was dumped down in front
+of us as ours, and we were asked to explain why we once thought so
+much of ourselves as that.</p>
+
+<p>Except for the smirk on her face, all I can learn of her now is that
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</a></span>
+she was one of a small family who lived in the country, invented
+their own games, dodged the governess and let the rest of the world go
+hang. She read everything that came her way, including, as the context
+amply proves, the grown-up novels of the period. "I adored writing and
+used to pray for bad weather, so that I need not go out but could stay
+in and write." Her mother used to have early tea in bed; sometimes
+visitors came to the house, when there was talk of events in high
+society: there was mention of places called Hampton Court, the Gaiety
+Theatre and the "Crystale" Palace. This is almost all that is now
+remembered, but it was enough for the blazing child. She sucked her
+thumb for a moment (this is guesswork), and sat down to her amazing
+tale.</p>
+
+<p>"Her mother used to have early tea in bed." Many authors must have had
+a similar experience, but they all missed the possibilities of it
+until this young woman came along. It thrilled her; and tea in
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_ix" id="Page_ix">[Pg ix]</a></span>bed at
+last takes its proper place in fiction. "Mr Salteena woke up rarther
+early next day and was delighted to find Horace the footman entering
+with a cup of tea. Oh thankyou my man said Mr Salteena rolling over
+in the costly bed. Mr Clark is nearly out of the bath sir announced
+Horace I will have great pleasure in turning it on for you if such is
+your desire. Well yes you might said Mr Salteena seeing it was the
+idear." Mr Salteena cleverly conceals his emotion, but as soon as he
+is alone he rushes to Ethel's door, "I say said Mr Salteena excitedly
+I have had some tea in bed."</p>
+
+<p>"Sometimes visitors came to the house." Nothing much in that to us,
+but how consummately this child must have studied them; if you
+consider what she knew of them before the "viacle" arrived to take
+them back to the station you will never dare to spend another week-end
+in a house where there may be a novelist of nine years. I am sure that
+when you left your bedroom this child stole in, examined everything
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_x" id="Page_x">[Pg x]</a></span>
+and summed you up. She was particularly curious about the articles on
+your dressing-table, including the little box containing a reddish
+powder, and she never desisted from watching you till she caught you
+dabbing it on your cheeks. This powder, which she spells "ruge," went
+a little to her head, and it accompanies Ethel on her travels with
+superb effect. For instance, she is careful to put it on to be
+proposed to; and again its first appearance is excused in words that
+should henceforth be serviceable in every boudoir. "I shall put some
+red ruge on my face said Ethel becouse I am very pale owing to the
+drains in this house."</p>
+
+<p>Those who read will see how the rooms in Hampton Court became the
+"compartments" in the "Crystale" Palace, and how the "Gaierty" Hotel
+grew out of the Gaiety Theatre, with many other agreeable changes. The
+novelist will find the tale a model for his future work. How
+incomparably, for instance, the authoress dives
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_xi" id="Page_xi">[Pg xi]</a></span>
+into her story at once. How cunningly throughout she keeps us on the
+hooks of suspense, jumping to Mr Salteena when we are in a quiver
+about Ethel, and turning to Ethel when we are quite uneasy about Mr
+Salteena. This authoress of nine is flirting with her readers all the
+time. Her mind is such a rich pocket that as she digs in it (her head
+to the side and her tongue well out) she sends up showers of nuggets.
+There seldom probably was a novelist with such an uncanny knowledge of
+his characters as she has of Mr Salteena. The first line of the tale
+etches him for all time: "Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and
+fond of asking people to stay with him." On the next page Salteena
+draws a touching picture of himself in a letter accepting an
+invitation: "I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of
+digging in the garden and I am parshal to ladies if they are nice I
+suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but you would
+hardly notice it but can't be helped anyhow."
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_xii" id="Page_xii">[Pg xii]</a></span></p>
+<p>"When the great morning arrived Mr Salteena did not have an egg for
+his breakfast in case he should be sick on the journey." For my part I
+love Mr Salteena, who has a touch of Hamlet, and I wished up to the
+end that Ethel would make him happy, though I never had much hope
+after I read the description of Bernard Clark's legs.</p>
+
+<p>It is not to be wondered at that Mr Salteena soon grew "rarther
+jellous" of Bernard, who showed off from the first. "My own room is
+next the bathroom said Bernard it is decerated dark red as I have
+somber tastes. The bathroom has got a tip up basin." Thus was Mr
+Salteena put in his place, and there the cruel authoress (with her
+tongue farther out than ever) doggedly keeps him. "After dinner Ethel
+played some merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with a
+rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal.
+Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle." No wonder
+Mr Salteena went gloomily to bed, not to
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_xiii" id="Page_xiii">[Pg xiii]</a></span>
+sleep, but to think out the greater riddle of how to become a
+gentleman, with which triumphant adventure the book is largely
+concerned.</p>
+
+<p>To many the most instructive part of the story will be the chapter
+entitled "Bernard's Idear." Bernard's "idear" (warmly acclaimed by
+Ethel) is that she and he should go up to London "for a few weeks
+gaierty." Something of the kind has often been done in fiction and in
+guide-books, but never probably in such a hearty way as here. Arrived
+at the "Gaierty" Hotel Bernard pokes his head into the "window of the
+pay desk. Have you a couple of bedrooms for self and young lady he
+enquired in a lordly way." He is told that they have two beauties.
+"Thank you said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection. None
+whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the view
+quite pleasant. Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh.
+Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile." He decides gallantly
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_xiv" id="Page_xiv">[Pg xiv]</a></span>
+that the larger room shall be hers. "I shall be quite lost in that large
+bed," Ethel says. "Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now what
+about a little table d'ote followed by a theatre?"</p>
+
+<p>Bernard's proposal should be carried in the pocket of all future
+swains. He decides "whilst imbibing his morning tea beneath the pink
+silken quilt," that to propose in London would not be the "correct
+idear." He springs out of bed and knocks at Ethel's door. "Are you up
+my dear? he called. Well not quite said Ethel hastily jumping from her
+downy nest." He explains his "idear." "Oh hurrah shouted Ethel I shall
+soon be ready as I had my bath last night so won't wash very much
+now."</p>
+
+<p>They go up the river in a boat, and after they had eaten and "drunk
+deeply of the charming viands ending up with merangs and chocklates,"
+Bernard says "in a passionate voice Let us now bask under the
+spreading trees. Oh yes lets said Ethel." "Ethel he murmered in a
+trembly voice.
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_xv" id="Page_xv">[Pg xv]</a></span>
+Oh what is it said Ethel." What it was (as well she knew) was love
+eternal. Ethel accepts him, faints and is brought back to life by a
+clever "idear" of Bernard's, who pours water on her. "She soon came to
+and looked up with a sickly smile. Take me back to the 'Gaierty' Hotel
+she whispered faintly. With pleasure my darling said Bernard I will
+just pack up our viands ere I unloose the boat. Ethel felt better
+after a few drops of champaigne and began to tidy her hair while
+Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm they tottered
+to the boat, I trust you have not got an illness my darling murmured
+Bernard as he helped her in, Oh no I am very strong said Ethel I
+fainted from joy she added to explain matters. Oh I see said Bernard
+handing her a cushion well some people do he added kindly."</p>
+
+<p>"So I will end my chapter," the authoress says; and we can picture her
+doing it complacently, and slowly pulling in her tongue.</p>
+
+<p>Ethel was married in the Abbey. Her
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_xvi" id="Page_xvi">[Pg xvi]</a></span>
+wedding dress was "a rich satin with a humped pattern of gold on the
+pure white and it had a long train edged with Airum lillies." "You
+will indeed be a charming spectacle my darling gasped Bernard as they
+left the shop," and I have no doubt she was. She got many delightful
+presents, the nicest of all being from her father, who "provided a
+cheque for &pound;2 and promised to send her a darling little baby
+calf when ready." This is perhaps the prettiest touch in the story and
+should make us all take off our hats to the innocent wondering mind
+that thought of it.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Mr Salteena. He was at the wedding, dressed in black and crying
+into his handkerchief. However he recovered to an extent and married
+Another and had ten children, "five of each," none of them of course
+equal to Ethel's children, of whom in a remarkably short time there
+were seven, which the authoress evidently considers to be the right
+"idear."</p>
+
+<p>It seems to me to be a remarkable work
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_xvii" id="Page_xvii">[Pg xvii]</a></span>
+for a child, remarkable even in its length and completeness, for when
+children turn author they usually stop in the middle, like the kitten
+when it jumps. The pencilled MS. has been accurately reproduced, not a
+word added or cut out. Each chapter being in one long paragraph,
+however, this has been subdivided for the reader's comfort.</p><br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 28em;">J. M. BARRIE.</span><br />
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_xix" id="Page_xix">[Pg xix]</a></span>
+
+<h3>CONTENTS</h3>
+
+<table width="60%" border="0" summary="table of contents">
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr" width="5%">&nbsp;</td>
+<td class="tdl" width="80%">CHAPTER</td>
+<td class="tdr" width="15%">PAGE</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">&nbsp;</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Preface</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_v">v</a></td>
+</tr><tr>
+<td class="tdr">1</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Quite a Young Girl</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_23">23</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">2</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Starting Gaily</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">3</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The First Evening</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_36">36</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">4</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Mr. Salteenas Plan</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_41">41</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">5</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Crystal Palace</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_45">45</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">6</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">High Life</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_59">59</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">7</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Bernards Idear</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_74">74</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">8</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">A Gay Call</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_79">79</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">9</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">A Proposale</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_88">88</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">10</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Preparing for the Fray</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_95">95</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">11</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Wedding</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_99">99</a></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdr">12</td>
+<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">How It Ended</span></td>
+<td class="tdr"><a href="#Page_102">102</a></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>
+
+<h1>The Young Visiters</h1>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_1" id="CHAPTER_1"></a>CHAPTER 1</h3>
+
+<h4>QUITE A YOUNG GIRL</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and was fond of asking peaple to
+stay with him. He had quite a young girl staying with him of 17 named
+Ethel Monticue. Mr Salteena had dark short hair and mustache and
+wiskers which were very black and twisty. He was middle sized and he
+had very pale blue eyes. He had a pale brown suit but on Sundays he
+had a black one and he had a topper every day as he thorght it more
+becoming. Ethel Monticue had fair hair done on the top and blue eyes.
+She had a blue velvit frock which had grown rarther short in the
+sleeves. She had a black straw hat and kid gloves.</p>
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span>
+<p>One morning Mr Salteena came down to brekfast and found Ethel had come
+down first which was strange. Is the tea made Ethel he said rubbing
+his hands. Yes said Ethel and such a quear shaped parcel has come for
+you Yes indeed it was a quear shape parcel it was a hat box tied down
+very tight and a letter stuffed between the string. Well well said Mr
+Salteena parcels do turn quear I will read the letter first and so
+saying he tore open the letter and this is what it said</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;" class="smcap">My dear Alfred.</span><br />
+
+<p>I want you to come for a stop with me so I have sent you a top hat
+wraped up in tishu paper inside the box. Will you wear it staying with
+me because it is very uncommon. Please bring one of your young ladies
+whichever is the prettiest in the face.</p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 15em;">I remain Yours truely</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 20em;" class="smcap">Bernard Clark.</span><br />
+</div>
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>
+<p>Well said Mr Salteena I shall take you to stay Ethel and fancy him
+sending me a top hat. Then Mr S. opened the box and there lay the most
+splendid top hat of a lovly rich tone rarther like grapes with a
+ribbon round compleat.</p>
+
+<p>Well said Mr Salteena peevishly I dont know if I shall like it the bow
+of the ribbon is too flighty for my age. Then he sat down and eat the
+egg which Ethel had so kindly laid for him. After he had finished his
+meal he got down and began to write to Bernard Clark he ran up stairs
+on his fat legs and took out his blotter with a loud sniff and this is
+what he wrote</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;" class="smcap">My dear Bernard</span><br />
+
+<p>Certinly I shall come and stay with you next Monday I will bring Ethel
+Monticue commonly called Miss M. She is very active and pretty. I do
+hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of digging in the garden
+and I am parshial to ladies if
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span>
+they are nice I suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman
+but you would hardly notice it but cant be helped anyhow. We will come
+by the 3-15.</p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 15em;">Your old and valud friend</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 20em;" class="smcap">Alfred Salteena.</span><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>Perhaps my readers will be wondering why Bernard Clark had asked Mr
+Salteena to stay with him. He was a lonely man in a remote spot and he
+liked peaple and partys but he did not know many. What rot muttered
+Bernard Clark as he read Mr Salteenas letter. He was rarther a
+presumshious man.</p>
+
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;">
+<img src="images/illus01.jpg" width="350" height="578" alt="First Page of Original Manuscript" title="" />
+</div>
+<h5>THE FIRST PAGE OF THE ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPT</h5>
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_2" id="CHAPTER_2"></a>CHAPTER 2</h3>
+
+<h4>STARTING GAILY</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>When the great morning came Mr Salteena did not have an egg for his
+brekfast in case he should be sick on the jorney.</p>
+
+<p>What top hat will you wear asked Ethel.</p>
+
+<p>I shall wear my best black and my white alpacka coat to keep off the
+dust and flies replied Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>I shall put some red ruge on my face said Ethel because I am very pale
+owing to the drains in this house.</p>
+
+<p>You will look very silly said Mr Salteena with a dry laugh.</p>
+
+<p>Well so will you said Ethel in a snappy tone and she ran out of the
+room with a very superier run throwing out her legs behind and her
+arms swinging in rithum.
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Well said the owner of the house she has a most idiotick run.</p>
+
+<p>Presently Ethel came back in her best hat and a lovly velvit coat of
+royal blue. Do I look nice in my get up she asked.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena survayed her. You look rarther rash my dear your colors
+dont quite match your face but never mind I am just going up to say
+goodbye to Rosalind the housemaid.</p>
+
+<p>Well dont be long said Ethel. Mr S. skipped upstairs to Rosalinds
+room. Goodbye Rosalind he said I shall be back soon and I hope I shall
+enjoy myself.</p>
+
+<p>I make no doubt of that sir said Rosalind with a blush as Mr Salteena
+silently put 2/6 on the dirty toilet cover.</p>
+
+<p>Take care of your bronkitis said Mr S. rarther bashfully and he
+hastilly left the room waving his hand carelessly to the housemaid.</p>
+
+<p>Come along cried Ethel powdering her nose in the hall let us get into
+the cab. Mr
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span>
+Salteena did not care for powder but he was an unselfish
+man so he dashed into the cab. Sit down said Ethel as the cabman waved
+his whip you are standing on my luggage. Well I am paying for the cab
+said Mr S. so I might be allowed to put my feet were I like.</p>
+
+<p>They traveled 2nd class in the train and Ethel was longing to go first
+but thought perhaps least said soonest mended. Mr Salteena got very
+excited in the train about his visit. Ethel was calm but she felt
+excited inside. Bernard has a big house said Mr. S. gazing at Ethel he
+is inclined to be rich.</p>
+
+<p>Oh indeed said Ethel looking at some cows flashing past the window.
+Mr. S. felt rarther disheartened so he read the paper till the train
+stopped and the porters shouted Rickamere station. We had better
+collect our traps said Mr Salteena and just then a very exalted
+footman in a cocked hat and olive green uniform put his head in at
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span>
+the window. Are you for Rickamere Hall he said in impressive tones.</p>
+
+<p>Well yes I am said Mr Salteena and so is this lady.</p>
+
+<p>Very good sir said the noble footman if you will alight I will see to
+your luggage there is a convayance awaiting you.</p>
+
+<p>Oh thankyou thankyou said Mr. S. and he and Ethel stepped along the
+platform. Outside they found a lovely cariage lined with olive green
+cushons to match the footman and the horses had green bridles and bows
+on their manes and tails. They got gingerly in. Will he bring our
+luggage asked Ethel nervously.</p>
+
+<p>I expect so said Mr Salteena lighting a very long cigar.</p>
+
+<p>Do we tip him asked Ethel quietly.</p>
+
+<p>Well no I dont think so not yet we had better just thank him
+perlitely.</p>
+
+<p>Just then the footman staggered out with the bagage. Ethel bowed
+gracefully over the door of the cariage and Mr S. waved his
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span>
+hand as each bit of luggage was hoisted up to make sure it was all
+there. Then he said thankyou my good fellow very politely. Not at all
+sir said the footman and touching his cocked hat he jumped actively to
+the box.</p>
+
+<p>I was right not to tip him whispered Mr Salteena the thing to do is to
+leave 2/6 on your dressing table when your stay is over.</p>
+
+<p>Does he find it asked Ethel who did not really know at all how to go
+on at a visit. I beleeve so replied Mr Salteena anyhow it is quite the
+custom and we cant help it if he does not. Now my dear what do you
+think of the sceenery</p>
+
+<p>Very nice said Ethel gazing at the rich fur rug on her knees. Just
+then the cariage rolled into a beautifull drive with tall trees and
+big red flowers growing amid shiny dark leaves. Presently the haughty
+coachman pulled up with a great clatter at a huge front door with tall
+pillers each side a big iron bell and two very clean scrapers. The
+doors flung open as if by majic causing
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span>
+Ethel to jump and a portly butler appeared on the scene with a very
+shiny shirt front and a huge pale face. Welcome sir he exclaimed good
+naturedly as Mr Salteena alighted rarther quickly from the viacle and
+please to step inside.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena stepped in as bid followed by Ethel. The footman again
+struggled with the luggage and the butler Francis Minnit by name
+kindly lent a hand. The hall was very big and hung round with guns and
+mate and ancesters giving it a gloomy but a grand air. The butler then
+showed them down a winding corridoor till he came to a door which he
+flung open shouting Mr Salteena and a lady sir.</p>
+
+<p>A tall man of 29 rose from the sofa. He was rarther bent in the middle
+with very nice long legs fairish hair and blue eyes. Hullo Alf old boy
+he cried so you have got here all safe and no limbs broken.</p>
+
+<p>None thankyou Bernard replied Mr Salteena shaking hands and let me
+introduce
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>
+Miss Monticue she is very pleased to come for this visit.
+Oh yes gasped Ethel blushing through her red ruge. Bernard looked at
+her keenly and turned a dark red. I am glad to see you he said I hope
+you will enjoy it but I have not arranged any partys yet as I dont
+know anybody.</p>
+
+<p>Dont worry murmered Ethel I dont mix much in Socierty and she gave him
+a dainty smile.</p>
+
+<p>I expect you would like some tea said Bernard I will ring.</p>
+
+<p>Yes indeed we should said Mr Salteena egerly. Bernard pealed on the
+bell and the butler came in with a stately walk.</p>
+
+<p>Tea please Minnit crid Bernard Clark. With pleshure sir replied Minnit
+with a deep bow. A glorious tea then came in on a gold tray two kinds
+of bread and butter a lovly jam role and lots of sugar cakes. Ethels
+eyes began to sparkle and she made several remarks during the meal. I
+expect
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>
+you would now like to unpack said Bernard when it was over.</p>
+
+<p>Well yes that is rarther an idear said Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>I have given the best spare room to Miss Monticue said Bernard with a
+gallant bow and yours turning to Mr Salteena opens out of it so you
+will be nice and friendly both the rooms have big windows and a
+handsome view.</p>
+
+<p>How charming said Ethel. Yes well let us go up replied Bernard and he
+led the way up many a winding stairway till they came to an oak door
+with some lovly swans and bull rushes painted on it. Here we are he
+cried gaily. Ethels room was indeed a handsome compartment with purple
+silk curtains and a 4 post bed draped with the same shade. The toilit
+set was white and mouve and there were some violets in a costly varse.
+Oh I say cried Ethel in supprise. I am glad you like it said Bernard
+and here we have yours Alf. He opened
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span>
+the dividing doors and portrayed a smaller but dainty room all in pale
+yellow and wild primroses. My own room is next the bath room said
+Bernard it is decerated dark red as I have somber tastes. The bath
+room has got a tip up bason and a hose thing for washing your head.</p>
+
+<p>A good notion said Mr Salteena who was secretly getting jellus.</p>
+
+<p>Here we will leave our friends to unpack and end this Chapter.</p>
+
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_3" id="CHAPTER_3"></a>CHAPTER 3</h3>
+
+<h4>THE FIRST EVENING</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>When they had unpacked Mr Salteena and Ethel went downstairs to
+dinner. Mr Salteena had put on a compleat evening suit as he thought
+it was the correct idear and some ruby studs he had got at a sale.
+Ethel had on a dress of yellaw silk covered with tulle which was quite
+in the fashion and she had on a necklace which Mr Salteena gave her
+for a birthday present. She looked very becomeing and pretty and
+Bernard heaved a sigh as he gave her his arm to go into dinner. The
+butler Minnit was quite ready for the fray standing up very stiff and
+surrounded by two footmen in green plush and curly white wigs who were
+called Charles and Horace.</p>
+
+<p>Well said Mr Salteena lapping up his
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>
+turtle soup you have a very sumpshous house Bernard.</p>
+
+<p>His friend gave a weary smile and swollowed a few drops of sherry
+wine. It is fairly decent he replied with a bashful glance at Ethel
+after our repast I will show you over the premisis.</p>
+
+<p>Many thanks said Mr Salteena getting rarther flustered with his forks.</p>
+
+<p>You ourght to give a ball remarked Ethel you have such large
+compartments.</p>
+
+<p>Yes there is room enough sighed Bernard we might try a few steps and
+meanwhile I might get to know a few peaple.</p>
+
+<p>So you might responded Ethel giving him a speaking look.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena was growing a little peevish but he cheered up when the
+Port wine came on the table and the butler put round some costly
+finger bowls. He did not have any in his own house and he followed
+Bernard Clarks advice as to what to do with them. After dinner Ethel
+played some
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span>
+merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with a rarther loud
+song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal. Then Mr
+Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle. Then Bernard said
+shall I show you over my domain and they strolled into the gloomy
+hall.</p>
+
+<p>I see you have a lot of ancesters said Mr Salteena in a jelous tone,
+who are they.</p>
+
+<p>Well said Bernard they are all quite correct. This is my aunt Caroline
+she was rarther exentrick and quite old.</p>
+
+<p>So I see said Mr Salteena and he passed on to a lady with a very tight
+waist and quearly shaped. That is Mary Ann Fudge my grandmother I
+think said Bernard she was very well known in her day.</p>
+
+<p>Why asked Ethel who was rarther curious by nature.</p>
+
+<p>Well I dont quite know said Bernard but she was and he moved away to
+the next picture. It was of a man with a fat smiley face and a red
+ribbon round him and a lot
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>
+of medals. My great uncle Ambrose Fudge said Bernard carelessly.</p>
+
+<p>He looks a thourough ancester said Ethel kindly.</p>
+
+<p>Well he was said Bernard in a proud tone he was really the Sinister
+son of Queen Victoria.</p>
+
+<p>Not really cried Ethel in excited tones but what does that mean.</p>
+
+<p>Well I dont quite know said Bernard Clark it puzzles me very much but
+ancesters do turn quear at times.</p>
+
+<p>Peraps it means god son said Mr Salteena in an inteligent voice.</p>
+
+<p>Well I dont think so said Bernard but I mean to find out.</p>
+
+<p>It is very grand anyhow said Ethel.</p>
+
+<p>It is that replied her host geniully.</p>
+
+<p>Who is this said Mr Salteena halting at a picture of a lady holding up
+some grapes and smiling a good deal.</p>
+
+<p>Her name was called Minnie Pilato responded Bernard she was rarther
+far back
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span>
+but a real relation and she was engaged to the earl of
+Tullyvarden only it did not quite come off.</p>
+
+<p>What a pity crid Ethel.</p>
+
+<p>Yes it was rarther replied Bernard but she marrid a Captain in the
+Navy and had seven children so she was quite alright.</p>
+
+<p>Here Mr Salteena thourght he had better go to bed as he had had a long
+jornney. Bernard always had a few prayers in the hall and some whiskey
+afterwards as he was rarther pious but Mr Salteena was not very
+adicted to prayers so he marched up to bed. Ethel stayed as she
+thourght it would be a good thing. The butler came in as he was a very
+holy man and Bernard piously said the Our Father and a very good hymm
+called I will keep my anger down and a Decad of the Rosary. Ethel
+chimed in quiutly and Francis Minnit was most devout and Ethel
+thourght what a good holy family she was stopping with. So I will end
+my chapter.</p>
+
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_4" id="CHAPTER_4"></a>CHAPTER 4</h3>
+
+<h4>MR SALTEENAS PLAN</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena woke up rarther early next day and was supprised and
+delighted to find Horace the footman entering with a cup of tea.</p>
+
+<p>Oh thankyou my man said Mr Salteena rolling over in the costly bed. Mr
+Clark is nearly out of the bath sir anounced Horace I will have great
+plesure in turning it on for you if such is your desire. Well yes you
+might said Mr Salteena seeing it was the idear and Horace gave a
+profound bow.</p>
+
+<p>Ethel are you getting up shouted Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>Very nearly replied Ethel faintly from the next room.</p>
+
+<p>I say said Mr Salteena excitedly I have had some tea in bed.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+<p>So have I replied Ethel.</p>
+
+<p>Then Mr Salteena got into a mouve dressing goun with yellaw tassles
+and siezing his soap he wandered off to the bath room which was most
+sumpshous. It had a lovly white shiny bath and sparkling taps and
+several towels arrayed in readiness by thourghtful Horace. It also had
+a step for climbing up the bath and other good dodges of a rich
+nature. Mr Salteena washed himself well and felt very much better.
+After brekfast Mr Salteena asked Bernard if he could have some privite
+conversation with him. Well yes replied Bernard if you will come into
+my study we can have a few words.</p>
+
+<p>Cant I come too muttered Ethel sulkily.</p>
+
+<p>No my dear said Mr Salteena this is privite.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps later I might have a privite chat with you Miss Monticue said
+Bernard kindly.</p>
+
+<p>Oh do lets said Ethel.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+<p>Then Bernard and Mr S. strolled to the study and sat upon two arm
+chairs. Fire away said Bernard lighting his pipe. Well I cant exactly
+do that said Mr Salteena in slow tones it is a searious matter and you
+can advise me as you are a thorugh gentleman I am sure.</p>
+
+<p>Well yes said Bernard what can I do for you eh Alf?</p>
+
+<p>You can help me perhaps to be more like a gentleman said Mr Salteena
+getting rarther hot I am quite alright as they say but I would like to
+be the real thing can it be done he added slapping his knees.</p>
+
+<p>I dont quite know said Bernard it might take a good time.</p>
+
+<p>Might it said Mr S. but I would slave for years if need be. Bernard
+scratched his head. Why dont you try the Crystal Pallace he asked
+several peaple Earls and even dukes have privite compartments there.</p>
+
+<p>But I am not an Earl said Mr Salteena in a purplexed tone.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></p>
+<p>True replied Bernard but I understand there are sort of students there
+who want to get into the War Office and notable banks.</p>
+
+<p>Would that be a help asked Mr Salteena egerly.</p>
+
+<p>Well it might said Bernard I can give you a letter to my old pal the
+Earl of Clincham who lives there he might rub you up and by mixing
+with him you would probably grow more seemly.</p>
+
+<p>Oh ten thousand thanks said Mr Salteena I will go there as soon as it
+can be arranged if you would be so kind as to keep an eye on Ethel
+while I am away.</p>
+
+<p>Oh yes said Bernard I may be running up to town for a few days and she
+could come too.</p>
+
+<p>You are too kind said Mr Salteena and I dont think you will find her
+any trouble.</p>
+
+<p>No I dont think I shall said Bernard she is a pretty girl cheerful and
+active. And he blushed rarther red.</p>
+
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_5" id="CHAPTER_5"></a>CHAPTER 5</h3>
+
+<h4>THE CRYSTAL PALACE</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>About 9 oclock next morning Mr Salteena stood bag in hand in the
+ancestle hall waiting for the viacle to convay him to the station.
+Bernard Clark and Ethel were seated side by side on a costly sofa
+gazing abstractly at the parting guest. Horace had dashed off to put
+on his cocked hat as he was going in the baroushe but Francis Minnit
+was roaming about the hall well prepared for any deed.</p>
+
+<p>Well said Bernard puffing at his meershum pipe I hope you will get on
+Alf I am sure you have that little letter to old Clincham eh</p>
+
+<p>In deed I have said Mr Salteena many thanks for the same and I do hope
+Ethel will behave properly.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p>
+<p>Oh yes I expect she will said Bernard with a sigh.</p>
+
+<p>I always do said Ethel in a snappy tone.</p>
+
+<p>Just then there was a great clatter outside and the sound of hoofs and
+a loud neigh. The barouche I take it said Bernard rising slowly.</p>
+
+<p>Quite correct sir said Minnit flinging wide the portles.</p>
+
+<p>Well goodbye Alf old man said Bernard Clark good luck and God bless
+you he added in a pius tone.</p>
+
+<p>Not at all said Mr Salteena I have enjoyed my stop which has been
+short and sweet well goodbye Ethel my child he said as bag in hand he
+proceeded to the door. Francis Minnit bowed low and handed a small
+parcel to Mr Salteena a few sandwighs for the jorney sir he remarked.</p>
+
+<p>Oh this is most kind said Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>Minnit closed his eyes with a tired smile. Not kind sir he muttered
+quite usual.</p>
+
+<p>Oh really said Mr Salteena feeling rather
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>
+flabergasted well goodbye my good fellow and he slipped 2/6 into the
+butlers open palm.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena had to travel first class as active Horace ran on to buy
+the ticket which he presented with a low bow the <i>Times</i> and
+<i>Tit-Bits</i>. Oh many thanks my man said Mr Salteena in a most airy
+voice now will you find me a corner seat in the train eh.</p>
+
+<p>If there is one sir replied Horace.</p>
+
+<p>In got Mr Salteena to his first class carrage surrounded by his
+luggage carefully piled up by kindly Horace. The other pasengers
+looked full of envy at the curly white wig and green plush uniform of
+Horace. Mr Salteena crossed his legs in a lordly way and flung a fur
+rug over his knees though he was hot enough in all consciunce. He
+began to feel this was the thin end of the partition and he smiled as
+he gently tapped the letter in his coat tail pocket. When Mr Salteena
+arrived in
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span>
+London he began to strolle up the principle streets
+thinking how gay all was. Presently he beheld a resterant with a big
+Menu outside and he went boldly in.</p>
+
+<p>It was a sumpshous spot all done up in gold with plenty of looking
+glasses. Many hansome ladies and gentlemen were already partaking of
+choice food and rich wines and whiskey and the scene was most lively.
+Mr Salteena had a little whiskey to make him feel more at home. Then
+he eat some curry to the tune of a merry valse on the band. He beat
+time to the music and smiled kindly at the waiters and he felt very
+excited inside. I am seeing life with a vengance he muttered to
+himself as he paid his bill at the desk. Outside Mr Salteena found a
+tall policeman. Could you direct me to the Crystale Pallace if you
+please said Mr Salteena nervously.</p>
+
+<p>Well said the geniul policeman my advice would be to take a cab sir.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+<p>Oh would it said Mr Salteena then I will do so.</p>
+
+<p>He hailed a Hansome and got speedily in to the Crystal Palace he cried
+gaily and holding his bag on his knees he prepared to enjoy the sights
+of the Metropilis. It was a merry drive and all too soon the Palace
+heaved in view. Mr Salteena sprang out and paid the man and then he
+entered the wondrous edifice. His heart beat very fast as two huge men
+in gold braid flung open the doors. Inside was a lovely fountain in
+the middle and all round were little stalls where you could buy sweets
+and lemonade also scent handkerchiefs and many dainty articles. There
+were a lot of peaple but nobody very noteable.</p>
+
+<p>At last after buying two bottles of scent and some rarther nice sweets
+which stuck to his teeth Mr Salteena beheld a wooden door on which was
+nailed a notice saying To the Privite Compartments.</p>
+
+<p>Ah ha said Mr Salteena to himself this is
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>
+evidently my next move, and he gently pushed open the door straitening
+his top hat as he did so. Inside he found himself in a dimly lit
+passage with a thick and handsom carpet. Mr Salteena gazed round and
+beheld in the gloom a very superier gentleman in full evening dress
+who was reading a newspaper and warming his hands on the hot water
+pipes. Mr Salteena advanced on tiptoe and coughed gently as so far the
+gentleman had paid no attention. However at the second cough he raised
+his eyes in a weary fashion. do you want anything he asked in a most
+noble voice.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena got very flustered. Well I am seeking the Earl of Clincham
+he began in a trembly voice are you by any chance him he added most
+respectfully.</p>
+
+<p>No not exacktly replied the other my name happens to be Edward
+Procurio. I am half italian and I am the Groom of the Chambers.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+<p>What chambers asked Mr Salteena blinking his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>These said Edward Procurio waving a thin arm.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena then noticed several red doors with names of people on
+each one. Oh I see he said then perhaps you can tell me where the Earl
+of Clincham is to be found.</p>
+
+<p>At the end of the passage fourth door down said Procurio tritely of
+course he may be out one never knows what they are up to.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose not said Mr Salteena in an interested tone.</p>
+
+<p>One can not gamble on anything really said Procurio returning to the
+hot water pipes though of course I know a lot more than most peaple
+about the inmates here.</p>
+
+<p>What are the habbits of the Earl of Clincham said Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>Procurio gave a smile many and varius he replied I cant say much in my
+position
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span>
+but one lives and learns. He heaved a sigh and shruged his shoulders.</p>
+
+<p>Well good day said Mr Salteena feeling better for the chat.</p>
+
+<p>Procurio nodded in silence as Mr Salteena trotted off down the
+passage. At last he came to a door labelled Clincham Earl of in big
+letters. With a beating heart Mr Salteena pulled the bell and the door
+swung open of its own accord. At the same moment a cheery voice rang
+out from the distance. Come in please I am in the study first door on
+left.</p>
+
+<p>With a nervous bound Mr Salteena obeyd these directions and found
+himself in a small but handsome compartment done in dark green lether
+with crests on the chairs. Over the mantlepiece was hung the painting
+of a lady in a low neck looking quite the thing. By the desk was
+seated a tall man of 35 with very nice eyes of a twinkly nature and
+curly hair he wore a quite plain suit of palest grey but well
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>
+made and on the table reposed a grey top hat which had evidently been
+on his head recently. He had a rose in his button hole also a signet
+ring.</p>
+
+<p>Hullo said this pleasant fellow as Mr. Salteena was spell bound on
+mat.</p>
+
+<p>Hullo your Lord Ship responded our hero bowing low and dropping his
+top hat do I adress the Earl of Clincham.</p>
+
+<p>You do said the Earl with a homely smile and who do I adress eh.</p>
+
+<p>Our hero bowed again Alfred Salteena he said in deep tones.</p>
+
+<p>Oh I see said the kindly earl well come in my man and tell me who you
+are.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena seated himself gingerly on the edge of a crested chair.</p>
+
+<p>To tell you the truth my Lord I am not anyone of import and I am not a
+gentleman as they say he ended getting very red and hot.</p>
+
+<p>Have some whiskey said lord Clincham and he poured the liquid into a
+glass at his
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span>
+elbow. Mr. Salteena lapped it up thankfully.</p>
+
+<p>Well my man said the good natured earl what I say is what dose it
+matter we cant all be of the Blood royal can we.</p>
+
+<p>No said Mr Salteena but I suppose you are.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Clincham waved a careless hand. A small portion flows in my viens
+he said but it dose not worry me at all and after all he added piously
+at the Day of Judgement what will be the odds.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena heaved a sigh. I was thinking of this world he said.</p>
+
+<p>Oh I see said the Earl but my own idear is that these things are as
+piffle before the wind.</p>
+
+<p>Not being an earl I cant say answered our hero but may I beg you to
+read this letter my Lord. He produced Bernards note from his coat
+tails. The Earl of Clincham took it in his long fingers. This is what
+he read.</p>
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;" class="smcap">My dear Clincham</span><br />
+
+<p>The bearer of this letter is an old friend of mine not quite the right
+side of the blanket as they say in fact he is the son of a first rate
+butcher but his mother was a decent family called Hyssopps of the Glen
+so you see he is not so bad and is desireus of being the correct
+article. Could you rub him up a bit in Socierty ways. I dont know much
+details about him but no doubt he will supply all you need. I am
+keeping well and hope you are. I must run up to the Compartments one
+day and look you up.</p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 15em;">Yours as ever your faithfull friend</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 20em;" class="smcap">Bernard Clark.</span><br />
+</div>
+
+<p>The Earl gave a slight cough and gazed at Mr Salteena thourghtfully.</p>
+
+<p>Have you much money he asked and are you prepared to spend a good
+deal.</p>
+
+<p>Oh yes quite gasped Mr Salteena I have plenty in the bank and &pound;10 in
+ready gold in my purse.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+<p>You see these compartments are the haunts of the Aristockracy said the
+earl and they are kept going by peaple who have got something funny in
+their family and who want to be less mere if you can comprehend.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed I can said Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>Personally I am a bit parshial to mere people said his Lordship but
+the point is that we charge a goodly sum for our training here but
+however if you cant pay you need not join.</p>
+
+<p>I can and will proclaimed Mr Salteena and he placed a &pound;10 note on the
+desk. His Lordship slipped it in his trouser pocket. It will be &pound;42
+before I have done with you he said but you can pay me here and there
+as convenient.</p>
+
+<p>Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>Not at all said the Earl and now to bissness. While here you will live
+in compartments in the basement known as Lower Range. You will get
+many hints from the Groom of the Chambers as to clothes and
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>
+ettiquett to menials. You will mix with me for grammer and I might take
+you out hunting or shooting sometimes to give you a few tips. Also I
+have lots of ladies partys which you will attend occasionally.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteenas eyes flashed with excitement. I shall enjoy that he
+cried.</p>
+
+<p>His Lordship coughed loudly. You may not marry while under instruction
+he said firmly.</p>
+
+<p>Oh I shall not need to thankyou said Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>You must also decide on a profeshion said his Lordship as your
+instruction will vary according.</p>
+
+<p>Could I be anything at Buckingham Pallace said Mr Salteena with
+flashing eyes.</p>
+
+<p>Oh well I dont quite know said the noble earl but you might perhaps
+gallopp beside the royal baroushe if you care to try.</p>
+
+<p>Oh indeed I should cried Mr Salteena I am very fond of fresh air and
+royalties.</p>
+
+<p>Well said the earl with a knowing smile
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>
+I might arrange it with the prince of Wales who I am rarther intimate
+with.</p>
+
+<p>Not really gasped Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>Dear me yes remarked the earl carelessly and if we decide for you to
+gallopp by the royal viacle you must be mesured for some plush
+knickerbockers at once.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena glanced at his rarther fat legs and sighed.</p>
+
+<p>Well I must go out now and call on a few Dowigers said his Lordship
+picking up his elegent top hat. Well au revoir he added with a good
+french accent.</p>
+
+<p>Adieu my Lord cried Mr Salteena not to be out done we meet anon I take
+it.</p>
+
+<p>Not till tomorrow answered the earl you will now proceed to the lower
+regions where you will no doubt find tea. He nodded kindly and glided
+out in silence.</p>
+
+<p>Here I will end my chapter.</p>
+
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_6" id="CHAPTER_6"></a>CHAPTER 6</h3>
+
+<h4>HIGH LIFE</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena awoke next morning in his small but pleasant room. It was
+done in green and white with Monagrams on the toilit set. He had a
+tiny white bed with a green quilt and a picture of the Nativaty and
+one of Windsor Castle on the walls. The sun was shining over all these
+things as Mr Salteena opened his sleepy eyes. Just then there was rat
+tat on the door. Come in called Mr Salteena and in came Edward
+Procurio ballancing a tray very cleverly. He looked most elegant with
+his shiny black hair and pale yellow face and half shut eyes. He
+smiled in a very mystearious and superier way as he placed the tray on
+Mr Salteenas pointed knees.</p>
+
+<p>Your early beverage he announced and
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>
+began to pull up the blinds still smiling to himself.</p>
+
+<p>Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena feeling very towzld compared to this
+grand fellow. Then to his great supprise Procurio began to open the
+wardrobe and look at Mr Salteenas suits making italian exclamations
+under his breath. Mr Salteena dare not say a word so he swollowed his
+tea and eat a Marie biscuit hastilly. Presently Procurio advanced to
+the bed with a bright blue serge suit. Will you wear this today sir he
+asked quietly.</p>
+
+<p>Oh certainly said Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>And a clean shirt would not come amiss said Procurio what about this
+pale blue and white stripe.</p>
+
+<p>With pleashure replied Mr Salteena. So Procurio laid them out in neat
+array also a razer and brush for shaving. Then he opened a door saying
+This is the bath room shall I turn on hot or cold.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+<p>I dont mind said Mr Salteena feeling very hot and ignorant.</p>
+
+<p>It is best for you to decide sir said Procurio firmly.</p>
+
+<p>Well I will try cold said Mr Salteena feeling it was more manly to say
+that. Procurio bowed and beat a retreat to the bath room. Then he
+returned and told Mr. Salteena that when he was washed he would find
+his breakfast in the sitting room. When Mr Salteena was dressed in his
+best blue suit and clean shirt he stroled into the sitting room where
+a gay canary was singing fit to burst in the window and a copple of
+doves cooing in a whicker cage. A cheery smell greeted him as Procurio
+glided in with some steaming coffie. Mr Salteena felt more at home and
+passed a few remarks about the weather. Procurio smiled and uncovered
+some lovely kidnys on toast and as he did so bent and whispered in Mr
+Salteenas ear you could have come in in your dressing gown.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+<p>Mr Salteena gave a start. Oh can I he said ten thousand thanks.</p>
+
+<p>Then Procurio passed out and Mr Salteena finnished his kidneys and
+chiruped to the birds and had a cigarette from a handsome purple box
+which he found on the desk. Then Procurio entered once more and with a
+bow said. His lordship is going to a levie this morning and thinks it
+might amuse you to go too. Could you be ready by 11 oclock.</p>
+
+<p>Oh yes what fun said Mr Salteena have you any notion what a levie is
+my man.</p>
+
+<p>Procurio gave a superier smile. It is a party given by the Queen to
+very superier peaple but this one is given by the Prince of Wales as
+the Queen is not quite her usual self today. It will be at Buckingham
+palace so you will drive with his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena was fearfully excited. What shall I weare he gasped.</p>
+
+<p>Well of course you ought to have black satin knickerbockers and a hat
+with white
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>
+feathers also garters and a star or two.</p>
+
+<p>You supprise me said Mr Salteena I have none of those articles.</p>
+
+<p>Well said Procurio kindly his lordship will lend you his second best
+cocked hat as you are obliged to wear one and I think with a little
+thourght I might rig you up so as to pass muster.</p>
+
+<p>Then they rumaged among Mr Salteenas things and Procurio got very
+intelligent and advised Mr Salteena to were his black evening suit and
+role up his trousers. He also lent him a pair of white silk stockings
+which he fastened tightly round his knees with red rosettes. Then he
+quickly cut out a star in silver paper and pinned it to his chest and
+also added a strip of red ribbon across his shirt front. Then Mr
+Salteena survayed himself in the glass. Is it a fancy dress party he
+asked.</p>
+
+<p>No they always were that kind of thing but wait till you see his
+Lordship&mdash;if you are ready sir I will conduct you in.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+<p>Mr Salteena followed Procurio up countless stairs till they came to
+the Earls compartments and tapped on the bedroom door.</p>
+
+<p>Come in cried a merry voice and in they strode.</p>
+
+<p>I have done my best with Mr Salteena my lord I trust he will do the
+hat of course will make a deal of diffrence.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena bowed nervously wishing he had got correct knickerbockers
+as his trousers did not feel too firm in spite of the garters.</p>
+
+<p>Not half bad cried the earl try on the hat Salteena it is on my bed.
+Mr Salteena placed it on his head and the feathers and gold braid
+became him very well but he felt very jellous of the earl who looked a
+sight for the gods. He had proper satin knickerbockers with diamond
+clasps and buckled shoes and black silk stockings which showed up his
+long fine legs. He had a floppy shirt of softist muslin with real lace
+collar and cuffs. A sword hung at
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>
+his side and a crimson sash was round his waist and a splendid cocked
+hat on his head. His blue eyes twinkled as he pulled on a pair of
+white kid gloves.</p>
+
+<p>Well come on Salteena he cried and dont be nervus I will get you a
+pair of knickers tomorrow. Will you get a hansome Procurio.</p>
+
+<p>Presently the earl and Mr Salteena were clattering away to Buckingham
+palace.</p>
+
+<p>You wont mind if I introduce you as Lord Hyssops do you said the earl
+as he lit his pipe. You see you are sort of mixed up with the family
+so it wont matter and will look better.</p>
+
+<p>So it would said Mr Salteena what do we do at the levie.</p>
+
+<p>Oh we strole round and eat ices and champaigne and that kind of thing
+and sometimes there is a little music.</p>
+
+<p>Is there any dancing asked Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>Well not always said the Earl.</p>
+
+<p>I am glad of that said Mr Salteena I am
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span>
+not so nimble as I was and my garters are a trifle tight.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes we talk about the laws and politics said the earl if Her
+Majesty is in that kind of a mood.</p>
+
+<p>Just then the splendid edifice appeared in view and Mr Salteena licked
+his dry lips at sight of the vast crowd. All round were carrages full
+of costly peaple and outside the railings stood tall Life Guards
+keeping off the mere peaple who had gathered to watch the nobility
+clatter up. Lord Clincham began to bow right and left raising his
+cocked hat to his friends. There was a lot of laughter and friendly
+words as the cab finally drew up at the front door. Two tall life
+guards whisked open the doors and one of them kindly tipped the
+cabman. Mr Salteena followed his lordship up the grand steps trying to
+feel as homely as he could. Then a splendid looking fellow in a red
+tunick and a sort of black velvit tam a
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span>
+shanter stepped forward from the throng shouting what name please.</p>
+
+<p>The Earl of Clincham and Lord Hyssops calmly replied the earl gently
+nudging Mr Salteena to act up. Mr Salteena nodded and blinked at the
+menial as much as to say all is well and then he and the earl hung up
+their cocked hats on two pegs. This way cried a deep voice and another
+menial apeared wearing stiff white britches top boots and a green
+velvit coat with a leather belt also a very shiny top hat. They
+followed this fellow down countless corridoors and finally came to big
+folding doors. The earl twiddled his mustache and slapped his leg with
+his white glove as calmly as could be. Mr Salteena purspired rarther
+hard and gave a hitch to his garters to make sure.</p>
+
+<p>Then the portles divided and their names were shouted in chorus by
+countless domesticks. The sumshious room was packed with men of a
+noble nature dressed like the earl in satin knickerboccers etc and with
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>
+ladies of every hue with long trains and jewels by the dozen.
+You could hardly moove in the gay throng. Dukes were as nought as
+there were a good lot of princes and Arch Dukes as it was a very
+superier levie indeed. The earl and Mr Salteena struggled through the
+crowd till they came to a platform draped with white velvit. Here on a
+golden chair was seated the prince of Wales in a lovely ermine cloak
+and a small but costly crown. He was chatting quite genially with some
+of the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>Up clambered the earl followed at top speed by Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>Hullo Clincham cried the Prince quite homely and not at all grand so
+glad you turned up&mdash;quite a squash eh.</p>
+
+<p>A bit over powering your Highness said the earl who was quite used to
+all this may I introduce my friend Lord Hyssops he is staying with me
+so I thought I would bring him along if you dont mind Prince.</p>
+
+<p>Not at all cried the genial prince looking
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>
+rarther supprised. Mr Salteena bowed so low he nearly fell off the
+platform and as the prince put out a hand Mr Salteena thought he had
+better kiss it. The Prince smiled kindly I am pleased to see you Lord
+Hyssops he said in a regal voice.</p>
+
+<p>Then the Earl chipped in and how is the dear Queen he said reveruntly.</p>
+
+<p>Not up to much said his Highness she feels the heat poor soul and he
+waved to a placard which said in large letters The Queen is
+indisposed.</p>
+
+<p>Presently his Highness rose I think I will have a quiet glass of
+champaigne he said you come too Clincham and bring your friend the
+Diplomats are arriving and I am not much in the mood for deep talk I
+have already signed a dozen documents so I have done my duty.</p>
+
+<p>They all went out by a private door and found themselves in a smaller
+but gorgous room. The Prince tapped on the table and instantly two
+menials in red tunics appeared.
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span>
+Bring three glasses of champaigne commanded the prince and some ices
+he added majestikally. The goods appeared as if by majic and the
+prince drew out a cigar case and passed it round.</p>
+
+<p>One grows weary of Court Life he remarked.</p>
+
+<p>Ah yes agreed the earl.</p>
+
+<p>It upsets me said the prince lapping up his strawberry ice all I want
+is peace and quiut and a little fun and here I am tied down to this
+life he said taking off his crown being royal has many painfull
+drawbacks.</p>
+
+<p>True mused the Earl.</p>
+
+<p>Silence fell and the strains of the band could be heard from the next
+room. Suddenly the prince gazed at Mr Salteena. Who did you say you
+were he asked in a puzzled tone.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Hyssops responded our hero growing purple at the lie.</p>
+
+<p>Well you are not a bit like the Lord
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>
+Hyssops I know replied the Prince could you explain matters.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena gazed helplessly at the earl who had grown very pale and
+seemed lost for the moment. However he quickly recovered.</p>
+
+<p>He is quite alright really Prince he said His mother was called Miss
+Hyssops of the Glen.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed said his royal Highness that sounds correct but who was your
+father eh.</p>
+
+<p>Then Mr Salteena thourght he would not tell a lie so in trembly tones
+he muttered My poor father was but a butcher your Highness a very
+honest one I may add and passing rich he was called Domonic Salteena
+and my name is Alfred Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>The Prince stroked his yellow beard and rarther admired Mr Salteena
+for his truthful utterance&mdash;Oh I see he said well why did you palm off
+on my menials as Lord Hyssops eh</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena wiped his swetting brow but
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>
+the earl came to the rescue nobly. My fault entirely Prince he chimed
+in, as I was bringing him to this very supearier levie I thought it
+would be better to say he was of noble birth have I offended your
+Royal dignity.</p>
+
+<p>Not much said the prince it was a laudible notion and perhaps I will
+ask Mr Salteena to one of my big balls some day.</p>
+
+<p>Oh your Highness gasped our hero falling on one knee that would indeed
+be a treat.</p>
+
+<p>I suppose Prince you have not got a job going at this palace for my
+friend asked the earl you see I am rubbing him up in socierty ways and
+he fancies court life as a professhon.</p>
+
+<p>Oh dose he said the prince blinking his eyes well I might see.</p>
+
+<p>I suggested if there was a vacency going he might try cantering after
+the royal barouche said the earl.</p>
+
+<p>So he might said the prince I will speak
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>
+to the prime Minister about it and let you know.</p>
+
+<p>Ten thousand thanks cried Mr Salteena bowing low.</p>
+
+<p>Well now I must get along back to the levie announced the prince
+putting on his crown I have booked a valse with the Arch duchess of
+Greenwich and this is her favorite tune. So saying they issued back to
+the big room where the nobility were whirling gaily roand the more
+searious peaple such as the prime minister and the admirals etc were
+eating ices and talking passionately about the laws in a low
+undertone.</p>
+
+<p>The earl was soon mingling gaily in a set of lancers but Mr Salteena
+dare not because of his trousers. However he sat on a velvit chair and
+quite enjoyed over hearing the intelligent conversation of the prime
+minister. And now we will leave our hero enjoying his glimpse of high
+life and return to Ethel Monticue.</p>
+
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_7" id="CHAPTER_7"></a>CHAPTER 7</h3>
+
+<h4>BERNARDS IDEAR</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>After Mr Salteena had departed Bernard Clark thourght he would show
+Ethel over his house so they spent a merry morning so doing. Ethel
+passed bright remarks on all the rooms and Bernard thourght she was
+most pretty and Ethel began to be a bit excited. After a lovly lunch
+they sat in the gloomy hall and Ethel began to feel very glad Mr
+Salteena was not there. Suddenly Bernard lit his pipe I was thinking
+he said passionately what about going up to London for a weeks
+Gaierty.</p>
+
+<p>Who inquired Ethel in a low tone.</p>
+
+<p>You and me said Bernard I know of several splendid hotels and we could
+go to theaters and parties and enjoy ourselves to the full.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>
+So we could what an idear cried Ethel.</p>
+
+<p>So the merry plan was all arranged and they spent the afternoon in
+packing there trunks. Next day they were all ready in the hall when
+the handsome viacle once more clattered up. Ethel had on her blue
+velvit get up and a sweet new hat and plenty of ruge on her face and
+looked quite a seemly counterpart for Bernard who was arrayed in a
+white and shiny mackintosh top boots and a well brushed top hat tied
+on to him with a bit of black elastick.</p>
+
+<p>Well goodbye Minnit he cried to the somber butler take care of your
+gout and the silver and I will pay your wages when I come back.</p>
+
+<p>Thankyou kindly sir murmured Minnit when may I expect your return.</p>
+
+<p>Oh well I will wire he said and dashed doun the steps.</p>
+
+<p>Ethel followed with small lady like steps having bowed perlitely to
+Minnit who closed his eyes in acknowlegment of her kindness.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span>
+The sun was shining and Ethel had the feeling of going to a very jolly
+party and felt so sorry for all the passers by who were not going to
+London with Bernard.</p>
+
+<p>Arrived in the gay city Bernard hailed a eab to the manner born and
+got in followed by Ethel. Kindly drive us to the Gaierty Hotel he
+cried in a firm tone. The cabman waved his whip and off they dashed.</p>
+
+<p>We shall be highly comfortable and select at the Gaierty said Bernard
+and he thourght to himself how lovly it would be if he was married to
+Ethel. He blushed a deep shade at his own thourghts and gave a side
+long glance at Ethel who was gazing out of the window. Well one never
+knows he murmerd to himself and as one of the poets says great events
+from trivil causes springs.</p>
+
+<p>Just then they stopped at the gay hotel and Ethel was spellbound at
+the size of the big hall&mdash;Bernard poked his head into the window of
+the pay desk. Have you a coupple
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span>
+of bedrooms for self and young lady he enquired in a lordly way.</p>
+
+<p>A very handsome lady with golden hair and a lace apron glanced at a
+book and hastilly replied Oh yes sir two beauties on the 1st floor
+number 9 and 10.</p>
+
+<p>Thankyou said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection.</p>
+
+<p>None whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the
+view is quite pleasant.</p>
+
+<p>Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh.</p>
+
+<p>Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile.</p>
+
+<p>They went upstairs and entered number 9 a very fine compartment with a
+large douny bed and white doors with glass handles leading into number
+10 an equally dainty room but a trifle smaller.</p>
+
+<p>Which will you have Ethel asked Bernard.</p>
+
+<p>Oh well I would rarther you settled it
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span>
+said Ethel. I am willing to abide by your choice.</p>
+
+<p>The best shall be yours then said Bernard bowing gallantly and
+pointing to the biggest room.</p>
+
+<p>Ethel blushed at his speaking look. I shall be quite lost in that huge
+bed she added to hide her embarassment.</p>
+
+<p>Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now what about a little table
+d'ote followed by a theater.</p>
+
+<p>Oh yes cried Ethel and downstairs they went.</p>
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_8" id="CHAPTER_8"></a>CHAPTER 8</h3>
+
+<h4>A GAY CALL</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>I tell you what Ethel said Bernard Clark about a week later we might
+go and pay a call on my pal the Earl of Clincham.</p>
+
+<p>Oh do lets cried Ethel who was game for any new adventure I would
+dearly love to meet his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>Bernard gave a frown of jellousy at her rarther mere words.</p>
+
+<p>Well dress in your best he muttered.</p>
+
+<p>Ethel skipped into her bedroom and arrayd herself in a grass green
+muslin of decent cut a lace scarf long faun colored kid gloves and a
+muslin hat to correspond. She carried a parasole in one hand also a
+green silk bag containing a few stray hair pins a clean handkerchief
+five shillings and a pot of ruge in case. She looked a dainty vishen
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span>
+with her fair hair waving in the breeze and Bernard bit his lips
+rarther hard for he could hardly contain himself and felt he must
+marry Ethel soon. He looked a handsome sight himself in some exquisite
+white trousers with a silk shirt and a pale blue blazer belt and cap.
+He wore this in honour of the earl who had been to Cambridge in his
+youth and so had Bernard Clark.</p>
+
+<p>At last they found themselves in the entrance hall of the Crystale
+palace and speedily made their way to the privite compartments. Edward
+Procurio was walking up and down the passage looking dark and
+mystearious as usual.</p>
+
+<p>Is His Lordship at home cried Bernard Clark cheerily.</p>
+
+<p>Which one asked Procurio many lords live here he said scornfully.</p>
+
+<p>Well I mean the Earl of Clincham said Bernard.</p>
+
+<p>Oh yes he is in responded Procurio and to the best of my belief giving
+a party.
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+<p>Indeed ejaculated Bernard we have come in the nick of time Ethel he
+added. Yes said Ethel in an excited tone.</p>
+
+<p>Then they pealed on the bell and the door flew open. Sounds of
+laughter and comic songs issued from the abode and in a second they
+were in the crowded drawing room. It was packed with all the Elite and
+a stout duchess with a good natured face was singing a lively song and
+causing much merriment. The earl strode forward at sight of two new
+comers. Hullo Bernard old boy he cried this is a pleasure and who have
+you got with you he added glancing at Ethel.</p>
+
+<p>Oh this is Miss Monticue said Bernard shall I introduce you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>If you will be so good said the Earl in an affable tone and Bernard
+hastily performed the right. Ethel began a bright conversatiun while
+Bernard stroled off to see if he could find any friends amid the
+throng.
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What pleasant compartments you have cried Ethel in rarther a socierty
+tone.</p>
+
+<p>Fairly so so responded the Earl do you lire in London he added in a
+loud tone as someone was playing a very difficult peice on the piano.</p>
+
+<p>Well no I dont said Ethel my home is really in Northumberland but I am
+at present stopping with Mr Clark at the Gaierty Hotel she continud in
+a somewhat showing off tone.</p>
+
+<p>Oh I see said the earl well shall I introduce you to a few of my
+friends.</p>
+
+<p>Of please do said Ethel with a dainty blow at her nose.</p>
+
+<p>The earl disserppeard into the madding crowd and presently came back
+with a middle aged gentleman. This is Lord Hyssops he said my friend
+Miss Monticue he added genially.</p>
+
+<p>Ethel turned a dull yellaw. Lord Hyssops she said in a faint voice why
+it is Mr Salteena I know him well.
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Hush cried the Earl it is a title bestowd recently by my friend the
+Prince of Wales.</p>
+
+<p>Yes indeed murmered Mr Salteena deeply flabbergasted by the ready wit
+of the earl.</p>
+
+<p>Oh indeed said Ethel in a peevish tone well how do you come to be
+here.</p>
+
+<p>I am stopping with his Lordship said Mr Salteena and have a set of
+compartments in the basement so there.</p>
+
+<p>I dont care said huffy Ethel I am in handsome rooms at the Gaierty.</p>
+
+<p>Nothing could be nicer I am sure struck in the earl what do you say
+Hyssops eh.</p>
+
+<p>Doubtless it is charming said Mr Salteena who was wanting peace tell
+me Ethel how did you leave Bernard.</p>
+
+<p>I have not left him said Ethel in an annoying voice I am stopping with
+him at the gaierty and we have been to lots of theaters and dances.</p>
+
+<p>Well I am glad you are enjoying yourself said Mr Salteena kindly you
+had been looking pale of late.
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>No wonder in your stuffy domain cried Ethel well have you got any more
+friends she added turning to the earl.</p>
+
+<p>Well I will see said the obliging earl and he once more disapeared.</p>
+
+<p>I dont know why you should turn against me Ethel said Mr Salteena in a
+low tone.</p>
+
+<p>Ethel patted her hair and looked very sneery. Well I call it very
+mystearious you going off and getting a title said Ethel and I think
+our friendship had better stop as no doubt you will soon be marrying a
+duchess or something.</p>
+
+<p>Not at all said Mr Salteena you must know Ethel he said blushing a
+deep red I always wished to marry you some fine day.</p>
+
+<p>This is news to me cried Ethel still peevish.</p>
+
+<p>But not to me murmered Mr Salteena and his voice trembled in his
+chest. I may add that I have always loved you and now I seem to do so
+madly he added passionately.
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>But I dont love you responded Ethel.</p>
+
+<p>But if you married me you might get to said Mr Salteena.</p>
+
+<p>I think not replied Ethel and all the same it is very kind of you to
+ask me and she smiled more nicely at him.</p>
+
+<p>This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my life will
+be sour grapes and ashes without you.</p>
+
+<p>Be a man said Ethel in a gentle whisper and I shall always think of
+you in a warm manner.</p>
+
+<p>Well half a loaf is better than no bread responded Mr Salteena in a
+gloomy voice and just then the earl reappeard with a very brisk lady
+in a tight silk dress whose name was called Lady Gay Finchling and her
+husband was a General but had been dead a few years. So this is Miss
+Monticue she began in a rarther high voice. Oh yes said Ethel and Mr
+Salteena wiped the foaming dew from his forehead. Little did Lady
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> Gay
+Finchling guess she had just disturbed a proposal of marrage.</p>
+
+<p>The Earl chimed into the conversation now and again and Lady Gay
+Finchling told several rarther witty stories to enliven the party.
+Then Bernard Clark came up and said they had better be going.</p>
+
+<p>Well goodbye Clincham he said I must say I have enjoyed this party
+most rechauffie I call it dont you Ethel.</p>
+
+<p>Most cried Ethel I suppose you often come she added in a tone of envy
+to Lady Gay Finchling.</p>
+
+<p>Pretty often said Lady G. F. well goodbye as I see you are in a hurry
+to be off and she dashed off towards the refreshment place.</p>
+
+<p>Goodbye Ethel said poor Mr Salteena in a spasam and he seized hold of
+her hand you will one day rue your wicked words farewell he repeated
+emphatically.</p>
+
+<p>Oh well goodbye said Ethel in a vage tone and then turning to the earl
+she said
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>
+I have enjoyed myself very much thankyou.</p>
+
+<p>Please dont mention it cried the earl well goodbye Bernard he added I
+shall look you up some day at your hotel.</p>
+
+<p>Yes do muttered Bernard always welcome Clincham old boy he added
+placing his blue crickit cap on his head and so saying he and Ethel
+left the gay scene and once more oozed fourth into the streets of
+London.</p>
+
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_9" id="CHAPTER_9"></a>CHAPTER 9</h3>
+
+<h4>A PROPOSALE</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>Next morning while imbibing his morning tea beneath his pink silken
+quilt Bernard decided he must marry Ethel with no more delay. I love
+the girl he said to himself and she must be mine but I somehow feel I
+can not propose in London it would not be seemly in the city of
+London. We must go for a day in the country and when surrounded by the
+gay twittering of the birds and the smell of the cows I will lay my
+suit at her feet and he waved his arm wildly at the gay thought. Then
+he sprang from bed and gave a rat tat at Ethels door.</p>
+
+<p>Are you up my dear he called.</p>
+
+<p>Well not quite said Ethel hastilly jumping from her downy nest.</p>
+
+<p>Be quick cried Bernard I have a plan to
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span>
+spend a day near Windsor Castle and we will take our lunch and spend a
+happy day.</p>
+
+<p>Oh Hurrah shouted Ethel I shall soon be ready as I had my bath last
+night so wont wash very much now.</p>
+
+<p>No dont said Bernard and added in a rarther fervent tone through the
+chink of the door you are fresher than the rose my dear no soap could
+make you fairer.</p>
+
+<p>Then he dashed off very embarrased to dress. Ethel blushed and felt a
+bit excited as she heard the words and she put on a new white muslin
+dress in a fit of high spirits. She looked very beautifull with some
+red roses in her hat and the dainty red ruge in her cheeks looked
+quite the thing. Bernard heaved a sigh and his eyes flashed as he
+beheld her and Ethel thorght to herself what a fine type of manhood he
+reprisented with his nice thin legs in pale broun trousers and well
+fitting spats and a red rose in his button hole and rarther a sporting
+cap which gave him a great air
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>
+ with its quaint check and little flaps to pull down if necesarry. Off
+they started the envy of all the waiters.</p>
+
+<p>They arrived at Windsor very hot from the jorney and Bernard at once
+hired a boat to row his beloved up the river. Ethel could not row but
+she much enjoyed seeing the tough sunburnt arms of Bernard tugging at
+the oars as she lay among the rich cushons of the dainty boat. She had
+a rarther lazy nature but Bernard did not know of this. However he
+soon got dog tired and sugested lunch by the mossy bank.</p>
+
+<p>Oh yes said Ethel quickly opening the sparkling champaigne.</p>
+
+<p>Dont spill any cried Bernard as he carved some chicken.</p>
+
+<p>They eat and drank deeply of the charming viands ending up with
+merangs and choclates.</p>
+
+<p>Let us now bask under the spreading trees said Bernard in a passiunate
+tone.</p>
+
+<p>Oh yes lets said Ethel and she opened her
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span>
+ dainty parasole and sank down upon the long green grass. She closed
+her eyes but she was far from asleep. Bernard sat beside her in
+profound silence gazing at her pink face and long wavy eye lashes. He
+puffed at his pipe for some moments while the larks gaily caroled in
+the blue sky. Then he edged a trifle closer to Ethels form.</p>
+
+<p>Ethel he murmured in a trembly voice.</p>
+
+<p>Oh what is it said Ethel hastily sitting up.</p>
+
+<p>Words fail me ejaculated Bernard horsly my passion for you is intense
+he added fervently. It has grown day and night since I first beheld
+you.</p>
+
+<p>Oh said Ethel in supprise I am not prepared for this and she lent back
+against the trunk of the tree.</p>
+
+<p>Bernard placed one arm tightly round her. When will you marry me Ethel
+he uttered you must be my wife it has come to that I love you so
+intensly that if you say no I shall perforce dash my body to the
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span>
+brink of yon muddy river he panted wildly.</p>
+
+<p>Oh dont do that implored Ethel breathing rarther hard.</p>
+
+<p>Then say you love me he cried.</p>
+
+<p>Oh Bernard she sighed fervently I certinly love you madly you are to
+me like a Heathen god she cried looking at his manly form and handsome
+flashing face I will indeed marry you.</p>
+
+<p>How soon gasped Bernard gazing at her intensly.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as possible said Ethel gently closing her eyes.</p>
+
+<p>My Darling whispered Bernard and he seiezed her in his arms we will be
+marrid next week.</p>
+
+<p>Oh Bernard muttered Ethel this is so sudden.</p>
+
+<p>No no cried Bernard and taking the bull by both horns he kissed her
+violently on her dainty face. My bride to be he murmered several
+times.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+<p>Ethel trembled with joy as she heard the mistick words.</p>
+
+<p>Oh Bernard she said little did I ever dream of such as this and she
+suddenly fainted into his out stretched arms.</p>
+
+<p>Oh I say gasped Bernard and laying the dainty burden on the grass he
+dashed to the waters edge and got a cup full of the fragrant river to
+pour on his true loves pallid brow.</p>
+
+<p>She soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile Take me back to the
+Gaierty hotel she whispered faintly.</p>
+
+<p>With plesure my darling said Bernard I will just pack up our viands
+ere I unloose the boat.</p>
+
+<p>Ethel felt better after a few drops of champagne and began to tidy her
+hair while Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm
+they tottered to the boat.</p>
+
+<p>I trust you have not got an illness my darling murmured Bernard as he
+helped her in.
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+<p>Oh no I am very strong said Ethel I fainted from joy she added to
+explain matters.</p>
+
+<p>Oh I see said Bernard handing her a cushon well some people do he
+added kindly and so saying they rowed down the dark stream now flowing
+silently beneath a golden moon. All was silent as the lovers glided
+home with joy in their hearts and radiunce on their faces only the
+sound of the mystearious water lapping against the frail vessel broke
+the monotony of the night.</p>
+
+<p>So I will end my chapter.</p>
+
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_10" id="CHAPTER_10"></a>CHAPTER 10</h3>
+
+<h4>PREPARING FOR THE FRAY</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>The next few days were indeed bussy for Ethel and Bernard. First of
+all Ethel got some dainty pink note paper with silver crest on it and
+sent out invitations in the following terms to all their frends.</p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Miss Ethel Monticue will be married to</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Mr Bernard Clark at Westminster Abbey</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">on June 10th. Your company is requested</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">there at 2-30 sharp and afterwards</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">for refreshment at the Gaierty Hotel.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">R.S.V.P.</span><br />
+
+<p>Having posted heaps of these and got several replies Ethel began to
+order her wedding dress which cost a good bit. She chose a rich satin
+with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a long train
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> edged with Airum lilies. Her veil was of pure lace with a crown
+of orange blossum. Her bouquett she ordered to be of white dog daisies
+St. Joseph lilies and orange blossums tied up with pale blue satin
+ribbon.</p>
+
+<p>You will indeed be a charming spectacle my darling gasped Bernard as
+they left the shop. Then they drove to the tailor where Bernard
+ordered an elligant black suit with coat tails lined with crimson
+satin and a pale lavender tie and an opera hat of the same hue and he
+intended to wear violets in his buttonholes also his best white spats
+diamond studs and a few extras of costly air. They both ordered a lot
+of new clothes besides and Bernard gave Ethel a very huge tara made of
+rubies and diamonds also two rich bracelets and Ethel gave him a bran
+new trunk of shiny green leather. The earl of Clincham sent a charming
+gift of some hem stitched sheets edged with real lace and a photo of
+himself in a striking attitude.
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>
+Mr Salteena sent Ethel a bible with a few pious words of advice and
+regret and he sent Bernard a very handy little camp stool. Ethels
+parents were too poor to come so far but her Mother sent her a gold
+watch which did not go but had been some years in the family and her
+father provided a cheque for &pound;2 and promised to send her a
+darling little baby calf when ready. Then they ordered the most
+splendid refreshments they had tea and coffie and sparkling wines to
+drink also a lovly wedding cake of great height with a sugar angel at
+the top holding a sword made of almond paste. They had countless cakes
+besides also ices jelly merangs jam tarts with plenty of jam on each
+some cold tongue some ham with salid and a pig's head done up in a
+wondrous manner. Ethel could hardly contain herself as she gazed at
+the sumpshious repast and Bernard gave her a glass of rich wine while
+he imbibed some whiskey before going to bed. Ethel got speedilly into
+her
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span>
+ bed for the last time at the dear old Gaierty and shed a few salt
+tears thinking of her past life but she quickly cheerd up and began to
+plan about how many children she would have. I hope I shall have a
+good lot she thourght to herself and so saying fell into repose.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_11" id="CHAPTER_11"></a>CHAPTER 11</h3>
+
+<h4>THE WEDDING</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>The Abbey was indeed thronged next day when Ethel and Bernard cantered
+up in a very fine carrage drawn by two prancing steeds who foamed a
+good deal. In the porch stood several clean altar boys who conducted
+the lucky pair up the aile while the organ pealed a merry blast The
+mighty edifice was packed and seated in the front row was the Earl of
+Clincham looking very brisk as he was going to give Ethel away at the
+correct moment. Beside him sat Mr Salteena all in black and looking
+bitterly sad and he ground his teeth as Ethel came marching up. There
+were some merry hymns and as soon as Ethel and Bernard were one the
+clergyman began a sermon about Adam and Eve and the serpent and
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>
+ Mr Salteena cried into his large handkerchief and the earl kept on
+nudging him as his sniffs were rarther loud. Then the wedding march
+pealed fourth and doun the church stepped Ethel and Bernard as husband
+and wife. Into the cab they got and speedelly dashed off to the
+Gaierty. The wedding refreshments were indeed a treat to all and even
+Mr Salteena cheered up when he beheld the wedding cake and sparkling
+wines. Then the earl got up and made a very fine speech about marrage
+vows and bliss and he quoted several good bits from the bible which
+got a lot of applause. Bernard replied in good round terms. I thank
+your lordship for those kind remarks he said in clear tones I expect
+we shall be as happy as a lark and I hope you will all be ditto some
+day. Here Here muttered a stray lady in the crowd and down sat Bernard
+while Ethel went up to change her wedding garment for a choice pink
+velvit dress with a golden gurdle and a very chick tocque. Bernard
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span>
+also put on a new suit of blue stripe and some silk socks and clean
+under clothing. Hurah hurah shouted the guests as the pair reappeard
+in the aforesaid get ups. Then everybody got a bag of rice and
+sprinkled on the pair and Mr Salteena sadly threw a white tennis shoe
+at them wiping his eyes the while. Off drove the happy pair and the
+guests finished up the food. The happy pair went to Egypt for there
+Honymoon as they thought it would be a nice warm spot and they had
+never seen the wondrous land. Ethel was a bit sick on the boat but
+Bernard braved the storm in manly style. However Ethel had recovered
+by the time they got to Egypt and here we will leave them for a merry
+six weeks of bliss while we return to England.</p>
+
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="CHAPTER_12" id="CHAPTER_12"></a>CHAPTER 12</h3>
+
+<h4>HOW IT ENDED</h4>
+<h5><a class="contents" href="#Page_xix">[Go to Table of Contents]</a></h5>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena by the aid of the earl and the kindness of the Prince of
+Wales managed to get the job his soul craved and any day might be seen
+in Hyde park or Pickadilly galloping madly after the Royal Carrage in
+a smart suit of green velvit with knickerbockers compleat. At first he
+was rarther terrified as he was not used to riding and he found his
+horse bumped him a good deal and he had to cling on desperatly to its
+flowing main. At other times the horse would stop dead and Mr Salteena
+would use his spurs and bad languige with no avail. But he soon got
+more used to his fresh and sultry steed and His Royal Highness seemed
+satisfide.</p>
+
+<p>The Earl continued his merry life at the
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span>
+ Compartments till finally he fell in love with one of the noble ladies
+who haunted them. She was not so pretty as Ethel as she had rarther a
+bulgy figure and brown eyes but she had lovely raven tresses a pointed
+nose and a rose like complexion of a dainty hue. She had very nice
+feet and plenty of money. Her name was called Lady Helena Herring and
+her age was 25 and she mated well with the earl.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena grew very lonely after the earl was marrid and he could
+not bear a single life any more so failing Ethel he marrid one of the
+maids in waiting at Buckingham palace by name Bessie Topp a plesant
+girl of 18 with a round red face and rarther stary eyes.</p>
+
+<p>So now that all our friends are marrid I will add a few words about
+their familys. Ethel and Bernard returned from their Honymoon with a
+son and hair a nice fat baby called Ignatius Bernard. They soon
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>
+ had six more children four boys and three girls and some of them were
+twins which was very exciting.</p>
+
+<p>The Earl only got two rarther sickly girls called Helen and Marie
+because the last one looked slightly french.</p>
+
+<p>Mr Salteena had a large family of 10 five of each but he grew very
+morose as the years rolled by and his little cottage was very noisy
+and his wife was a bit annoying at times especially when he took to
+dreaming of Ethel and wishing he could have marrid her. Still he was a
+pius man in his way and found relief in prayer.</p>
+
+<p>Bernard Clark was the happiest of our friends as he loved Ethel to the
+bitter end and so did she him and they had a nice house too.</p>
+
+<p>The Earl soon got tired of his sickly daughters and his wife had a
+savage temper so he thourght he would divorce her and try again but he
+gave up the idear after
+<span class="left"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span>
+ several attempts and decided to offer it up as a Mortification.</p>
+
+<p>So now my readers we will say farewell to the characters in this book.</p>
+
+<h5>The End</h5>
+
+<h5>by Daisy Ashford</h5>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's
+Plan, by Daisy Ashford
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+  </body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2267 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's Plan, by
+Daisy Ashford
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's Plan
+
+Author: Daisy Ashford
+
+Release Date: May 11, 2007 [EBook #21415]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YOUNG VISITERS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David T. Jones and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: THE AUTHOR]
+
+
+THE
+YOUNG VISITERS
+OR, MR SALTEENA'S PLAN
+
+BY
+
+DAISY ASHFORD
+
+WITH A PREFACE BY
+J. M. BARRIE
+
+NEW YORK
+GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY
+
+
+_Copyright_, 1919,
+_By George H. Doran Company_
+
+_Printed in the United States of America_
+
+
+
+
+[Pg v]
+PREFACE
+
+
+The "owner of the copyright" guarantees that "The Young Visiters" is
+the unaided effort in fiction of an authoress of nine years. "Effort,"
+however, is an absurd word to use, as you may see by studying the
+triumphant countenance of the child herself, which is here reproduced
+as frontispiece to her sublime work. This is no portrait of a writer
+who had to burn the oil at midnight (indeed there is documentary
+evidence that she was hauled off to bed every evening at six): it has
+an air of careless power; there is a complacency about it that by the
+severe might perhaps be called smugness. It needed no effort for that
+face to knock off a masterpiece. It probably represents precisely how
+she looked when she finished a chapter. When she was actually at work
+I think the expression [Pg vi] was more solemn, with the tongue firmly
+clenched between the teeth; an unholy rapture showing as she drew near
+her love chapter. Fellow-craftsmen will see that she is looking
+forward to this chapter all the time.
+
+The manuscript is in pencil in a stout little note book (twopence),
+and there it has lain for years, for though the authoress was nine
+when she wrote it she is now a grown woman. It has lain, in lavender
+as it were, in the dumpy note book, waiting for a publisher to ride
+that way and rescue it; and here he is at last, not a bit afraid that
+to this age it may appear "Victorian." Indeed if its pictures of High
+Life are accurate (as we cannot doubt, the authoress seems always so
+sure of her facts) they had a way of going on in those times which is
+really surprising. Even the grand historical figures were free and
+easy, such as King Edward, of whom we have perhaps the most human
+picture ever penned, as he appears at a levee "rather sumshiously," in
+a "small [Pg vii] but costly crown," and afterwards slips away to tuck
+into ices. It would seem in particular that we are oddly wrong in our
+idea of the young Victorian lady as a person more shy and shrinking than
+the girl of to-day. The Ethel of this story is a fascinating creature
+who would have a good time wherever there were a few males, but no
+longer could she voyage through life quite so jollily without
+attracting the attention of the censorious. Chaperon seems to be one
+of the very few good words of which our authoress had never heard.
+
+The lady she had grown into, the "owner of the copyright" already
+referred to, gives me a few particulars of this child she used to be,
+and is evidently a little scared by her. We should probably all be a
+little scared (though proud) if that portrait was dumped down in front
+of us as ours, and we were asked to explain why we once thought so
+much of ourselves as that.
+
+Except for the smirk on her face, all I can learn of her now is that
+she was one of [Pg viii] a small family who lived in the country, invented
+their own games, dodged the governess and let the rest of the world go
+hang. She read everything that came her way, including, as the context
+amply proves, the grown-up novels of the period. "I adored writing and
+used to pray for bad weather, so that I need not go out but could stay
+in and write." Her mother used to have early tea in bed; sometimes
+visitors came to the house, when there was talk of events in high
+society: there was mention of places called Hampton Court, the Gaiety
+Theatre and the "Crystale" Palace. This is almost all that is now
+remembered, but it was enough for the blazing child. She sucked her
+thumb for a moment (this is guesswork), and sat down to her amazing
+tale.
+
+"Her mother used to have early tea in bed." Many authors must have had
+a similar experience, but they all missed the possibilities of it
+until this young woman came along. It thrilled her; and tea in [Pg ix]
+bed at last takes its proper place in fiction. "Mr Salteena woke
+up rarther early next day and was delighted to find Horace the footman
+entering with a cup of tea. Oh thank you my man said Mr Salteena
+rolling over in the costly bed. Mr Clark is nearly out of the bath sir
+announced Horace I will have great pleasure in turning it on for you
+if such is your desire. Well yes you might said Mr Salteena seeing it
+was the idear." Mr Salteena cleverly conceals his emotion, but as soon
+as he is alone he rushes to Ethel's door, "I say said Mr Salteena
+excitedly I have had some tea in bed."
+
+"Sometimes visitors came to the house." Nothing much in that to us,
+but how consummately this child must have studied them; if you
+consider what she knew of them before the "viacle" arrived to take
+them back to the station you will never dare to spend another week-end
+in a house where there may be a novelist of nine years. I am sure that
+when you left your bedroom this child stole in, examined everything
+[Pg x] and summed you up. She was particularly curious about the articles
+on your dressing-table, including the little box containing a reddish
+powder, and she never desisted from watching you till she caught you
+dabbing it on your cheeks. This powder, which she spells "ruge," went
+a little to her head, and it accompanies Ethel on her travels with
+superb effect. For instance, she is careful to put it on to be
+proposed to; and again its first appearance is excused in words that
+should henceforth be serviceable in every boudoir. "I shall put some
+red ruge on my face said Ethel becouse I am very pale owing to the
+drains in this house."
+
+Those who read will see how the rooms in Hampton Court became the
+"compartments" in the "Crystale" Palace, and how the "Gaierty" Hotel
+grew out of the Gaiety Theatre, with many other agreeable changes. The
+novelist will find the tale a model for his future work. How
+incomparably, for instance, the authoress dives [Pg xi] into her story
+at once. How cunningly throughout she keeps us on the hooks of suspense,
+jumping to Mr Salteena when we are in a quiver about Ethel, and
+turning to Ethel when we are quite uneasy about Mr Salteena. This
+authoress of nine is flirting with her readers all the time. Her mind
+is such a rich pocket that as she digs in it (her head to the side and
+her tongue well out) she sends up showers of nuggets. There seldom
+probably was a novelist with such an uncanny knowledge of his
+characters as she has of Mr Salteena. The first line of the tale
+etches him for all time: "Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and
+fond of asking people to stay with him." On the next page Salteena
+draws a touching picture of himself in a letter accepting an
+invitation: "I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of
+digging in the garden and I am parshal to ladies if they are nice I
+suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but you would
+hardly notice it but can't be helped anyhow." [Pg xii] "When the great
+morning arrived Mr Salteena did not have an egg for his breakfast in
+case he should be sick on the journey." For my part I love Mr Salteena,
+who has a touch of Hamlet, and I wished up to the end that Ethel would
+make him happy, though I never had much hope after I read the
+description of Bernard Clark's legs.
+
+It is not to be wondered at that Mr Salteena soon grew "rarther
+jellous" of Bernard, who showed off from the first. "My own room is
+next the bathroom said Bernard it is decerated dark red as I have
+somber tastes. The bathroom has got a tip up basin." Thus was Mr
+Salteena put in his place, and there the cruel authoress (with her
+tongue farther out than ever) doggedly keeps him. "After dinner Ethel
+played some merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with a
+rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal.
+Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle." No wonder
+Mr Salteena went gloomily to bed, not to [Pg xiii] sleep, but to think
+out the greater riddle of how to become a gentleman, with which
+triumphant adventure the book is largely concerned.
+
+To many the most instructive part of the story will be the chapter
+entitled "Bernard's Idear." Bernard's "idear" (warmly acclaimed by
+Ethel) is that she and he should go up to London "for a few weeks
+gaierty." Something of the kind has often been done in fiction and in
+guide-books, but never probably in such a hearty way as here. Arrived
+at the "Gaierty" Hotel Bernard pokes his head into the "window of the
+pay desk. Have you a couple of bedrooms for self and young lady he
+enquired in a lordly way." He is told that they have two beauties.
+"Thank you said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection. None
+whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the view
+quite pleasant. Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh.
+Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile." He decides gallantly [Pg xiv]
+that the larger room shall be hers. "I shall be quite lost in that
+large bed," Ethel says. "Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now
+what about a little table d'ote followed by a theatre?"
+
+Bernard's proposal should be carried in the pocket of all future
+swains. He decides "whilst imbibing his morning tea beneath the pink
+silken quilt," that to propose in London would not be the "correct
+idear." He springs out of bed and knocks at Ethel's door. "Are you up
+my dear? he called. Well not quite said Ethel hastily jumping from her
+downy nest." He explains his "idear." "Oh hurrah shouted Ethel I shall
+soon be ready as I had my bath last night so won't wash very much
+now."
+
+They go up the river in a boat, and after they had eaten and "drunk
+deeply of the charming viands ending up with merangs and chocklates,"
+Bernard says "in a passionate voice Let us now bask under the
+spreading trees. Oh yes lets said Ethel." "Ethel he murmered in a
+trembly voice. [Pg xv] Oh what is it said Ethel." What it was (as well
+she knew) was love eternal. Ethel accepts him, faints and is brought back
+to life by a clever "idear" of Bernard's, who pours water on her. "She
+soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile. Take me back to the
+'Gaierty' Hotel she whispered faintly. With pleasure my darling said
+Bernard I will just pack up our viands ere I unloose the boat. Ethel
+felt better after a few drops of champaigne and began to tidy her hair
+while Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm they
+tottered to the boat, I trust you have not got an illness my darling
+murmured Bernard as he helped her in, Oh no I am very strong said
+Ethel I fainted from joy she added to explain matters. Oh I see said
+Bernard handing her a cushion well some people do he added kindly."
+
+"So I will end my chapter," the authoress says; and we can picture her
+doing it complacently, and slowly pulling in her tongue.
+
+Ethel was married in the Abbey. Her [Pg xvi] wedding dress was "a rich
+satin with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a long
+train edged with Airum lillies." "You will indeed be a charming
+spectacle my darling gasped Bernard as they left the shop," and I have
+no doubt she was. She got many delightful presents, the nicest of all
+being from her father, who "provided a cheque for L2 and promised to
+send her a darling little baby calf when ready." This is perhaps the
+prettiest touch in the story and should make us all take off our hats
+to the innocent wondering mind that thought of it.
+
+Poor Mr Salteena. He was at the wedding, dressed in black and crying
+into his handkerchief. However he recovered to an extent and married
+Another and had ten children, "five of each," none of them of course
+equal to Ethel's children, of whom in a remarkably short time there
+were seven, which the authoress evidently considers to be the right
+"idear."
+
+It seems to me to be a remarkable work [Pg xviii] for a child, remarkable
+even in its length and completeness, for when children turn author they
+usually stop in the middle, like the kitten when it jumps. The
+pencilled MS. has been accurately reproduced, not a word added or cut
+out. Each chapter being in one long paragraph, however, this has been
+subdivided for the reader's comfort.
+                                              J. M. BARRIE.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg xix]
+CONTENTS
+
+
+CHAPTER                                             PAGE
+
+  1 Quite a Young Girl                                23
+
+  2 Starting Gaily                                    27
+
+  3 The First Evening                                 36
+
+  4 Mr. Salteenas Plan                                41
+
+  5 The Crystal Palace                                45
+
+  6 High Life                                         59
+
+  7 Bernards Idear                                    74
+
+  8 A Gay Call                                        79
+
+  9 A Proposale                                       88
+
+  10 Preparing for the Fray                           95
+
+  11 The Wedding                                      99
+
+  12 How It Ended                                    102
+
+
+
+
+THE YOUNG VISITERS
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 23]
+The Young Visiters
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER 1
+
+QUITE A YOUNG GIRL
+
+
+Mr Salteena was an elderly man of 42 and was fond of asking peaple to
+stay with him. He had quite a young girl staying with him of 17 named
+Ethel Monticue. Mr Salteena had dark short hair and mustache and
+wiskers which were very black and twisty. He was middle sized and he
+had very pale blue eyes. He had a pale brown suit but on Sundays he
+had a black one and he had a topper every day as he thorght it more
+becoming. Ethel Monticue had fair hair done on the top and blue eyes.
+She had a blue velvit frock which had grown rarther short in the
+sleeves. She had a black straw hat and kid gloves.
+
+[Pg 24]
+One morning Mr Salteena came down to brekfast and found Ethel had come
+down first which was strange. Is the tea made Ethel he said rubbing
+his hands. Yes said Ethel and such a quear shaped parcel has come for
+you Yes indeed it was a quear shape parcel it was a hat box tied down
+very tight and a letter stuffed between the string. Well well said Mr
+Salteena parcels do turn quear I will read the letter first and so
+saying he tore open the letter and this is what it said
+
+     My dear Alfred.
+
+     I want you to come for a stop with me so I have sent you a top hat
+     wraped up in tishu paper inside the box. Will you wear it staying
+     with me because it is very uncommon. Please bring one of your young
+     ladies whichever is the prettiest in the face.
+
+                                 I remain Yours truely
+                                        Bernard Clark.
+
+[Pg 25]
+Well said Mr Salteena I shall take you to stay Ethel and fancy him
+sending me a top hat. Then Mr S. opened the box and there lay the most
+splendid top hat of a lovly rich tone rarther like grapes with a
+ribbon round compleat.
+
+Well said Mr Salteena peevishly I dont know if I shall like it the bow
+of the ribbon is too flighty for my age. Then he sat down and eat the
+egg which Ethel had so kindly laid for him. After he had finished his
+meal he got down and began to write to Bernard Clark he ran up stairs
+on his fat legs and took out his blotter with a loud sniff and this is
+what he wrote
+
+     My dear Bernard
+
+     Certinly I shall come and stay with you next Monday I will bring
+     Ethel Monticue commonly called Miss M. She is very active and
+     pretty. I do hope I shall enjoy myself with you. I am fond of
+     digging in the garden and I am parshial to ladies if [Pg 26] they
+     are nice I suppose it is my nature. I am not quite a gentleman but
+     you would hardly notice it but cant be helped anyhow. We will come
+     by the 3-15.
+
+                              Your old and valud friend
+                                        Alfred Salteena.
+
+Perhaps my readers will be wondering why Bernard Clark had asked Mr
+Salteena to stay with him. He was a lonely man in a remote spot and he
+liked peaple and partys but he did not know many. What rot muttered
+Bernard Clark as he read Mr Salteenas letter. He was rarther a
+presumshious man.
+
+[Illustration: THE FIRST PAGE OF THE ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPT]
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 27]
+CHAPTER 2
+
+STARTING GAILY
+
+
+When the great morning came Mr Salteena did not have an egg for his
+brekfast in case he should be sick on the jorney.
+
+What top hat will you wear asked Ethel.
+
+I shall wear my best black and my white alpacka coat to keep off the
+dust and flies replied Mr Salteena.
+
+I shall put some red ruge on my face said Ethel because I am very pale
+owing to the drains in this house.
+
+You will look very silly said Mr Salteena with a dry laugh.
+
+Well so will you said Ethel in a snappy tone and she ran out of the
+room with a very superier run throwing out her legs behind and her
+arms swinging in rithum.
+
+[Pg 28]
+Well said the owner of the house she has a most idiotick run.
+
+Presently Ethel came back in her best hat and a lovly velvit coat of
+royal blue. Do I look nice in my get up she asked.
+
+Mr Salteena survayed her. You look rarther rash my dear your colors
+dont quite match your face but never mind I am just going up to say
+goodbye to Rosalind the housemaid.
+
+Well dont be long said Ethel. Mr S. skipped upstairs to Rosalinds
+room. Goodbye Rosalind he said I shall be back soon and I hope I shall
+enjoy myself.
+
+I make no doubt of that sir said Rosalind with a blush as Mr Salteena
+silently put 2/6 on the dirty toilet cover.
+
+Take care of your bronkitis said Mr S. rarther bashfully and he
+hastilly left the room waving his hand carelessly to the housemaid.
+
+Come along cried Ethel powdering her nose in the hall let us get into
+the cab. Mr [Pg 29] Salteena did not care for powder but he was an
+unselfish man so he dashed into the cab. Sit down said Ethel as the
+cabman waved his whip you are standing on my luggage. Well I am paying
+for the cab said Mr S. so I might be allowed to put my feet were I like.
+
+They traveled 2nd class in the train and Ethel was longing to go first
+but thought perhaps least said soonest mended. Mr Salteena got very
+excited in the train about his visit. Ethel was calm but she felt
+excited inside. Bernard has a big house said Mr. S. gazing at Ethel he
+is inclined to be rich.
+
+Oh indeed said Ethel looking at some cows flashing past the window.
+Mr. S. felt rarther disheartened so he read the paper till the train
+stopped and the porters shouted Rickamere station. We had better
+collect our traps said Mr Salteena and just then a very exalted
+footman in a cocked hat and olive green uniform put his head in [Pg 30]
+at the window. Are you for Rickamere Hall he said in impressive tones.
+
+Well yes I am said Mr Salteena and so is this lady.
+
+Very good sir said the noble footman if you will alight I will see to
+your luggage there is a convayance awaiting you.
+
+Oh thankyou thankyou said Mr. S. and he and Ethel stepped along the
+platform. Outside they found a lovely cariage lined with olive green
+cushons to match the footman and the horses had green bridles and bows
+on their manes and tails. They got gingerly in. Will he bring our
+luggage asked Ethel nervously.
+
+I expect so said Mr Salteena lighting a very long cigar.
+
+Do we tip him asked Ethel quietly.
+
+Well no I dont think so not yet we had better just thank him
+perlitely.
+
+Just then the footman staggered out with the bagage. Ethel bowed
+gracefully over the door of the cariage and Mr S. waved his [Pg 31] hand
+as each bit of luggage was hoisted up to make sure it was all there.
+Then he said thankyou my good fellow very politely. Not at all sir said
+the footman and touching his cocked hat he jumped actively to the box.
+
+I was right not to tip him whispered Mr Salteena the thing to do is to
+leave 2/6 on your dressing table when your stay is over.
+
+Does he find it asked Ethel who did not really know at all how to go
+on at a visit. I beleeve so replied Mr Salteena anyhow it is quite the
+custom and we cant help it if he does not. Now my dear what do you
+think of the sceenery
+
+Very nice said Ethel gazing at the rich fur rug on her knees. Just
+then the cariage rolled into a beautifull drive with tall trees and
+big red flowers growing amid shiny dark leaves. Presently the haughty
+coachman pulled up with a great clatter at a huge front door with tall
+pillers each side a big iron bell and two very clean scrapers. The
+doors flung open as if by majic causing [Pg 32] Ethel to jump and a portly
+butler appeared on the scene with a very shiny shirt front and a huge
+pale face. Welcome sir he exclaimed good naturedly as Mr Salteena
+alighted rarther quickly from the viacle and please to step inside.
+
+Mr Salteena stepped in as bid followed by Ethel. The footman again
+struggled with the luggage and the butler Francis Minnit by name
+kindly lent a hand. The hall was very big and hung round with guns and
+mate and ancesters giving it a gloomy but a grand air. The butler then
+showed them down a winding corridoor till he came to a door which he
+flung open shouting Mr Salteena and a lady sir.
+
+A tall man of 29 rose from the sofa. He was rarther bent in the middle
+with very nice long legs fairish hair and blue eyes. Hullo Alf old boy
+he cried so you have got here all safe and no limbs broken.
+
+None thankyou Bernard replied Mr Salteena shaking hands and let me
+introduce [Pg 33] Miss Monticue she is very pleased to come for this
+visit. Oh yes gasped Ethel blushing through her red ruge. Bernard looked
+at her keenly and turned a dark red. I am glad to see you he said I hope
+you will enjoy it but I have not arranged any partys yet as I dont
+know anybody.
+
+Dont worry murmered Ethel I dont mix much in Socierty and she gave him
+a dainty smile.
+
+I expect you would like some tea said Bernard I will ring.
+
+Yes indeed we should said Mr Salteena egerly. Bernard pealed on the
+bell and the butler came in with a stately walk.
+
+Tea please Minnit crid Bernard Clark. With pleshure sir replied Minnit
+with a deep bow. A glorious tea then came in on a gold tray two kinds
+of bread and butter a lovly jam role and lots of sugar cakes. Ethels
+eyes began to sparkle and she made several remarks during the meal. I
+expect [Pg 34] you would now like to unpack said Bernard when it was over.
+
+Well yes that is rarther an idear said Mr Salteena.
+
+I have given the best spare room to Miss Monticue said Bernard with a
+gallant bow and yours turning to Mr Salteena opens out of it so you
+will be nice and friendly both the rooms have big windows and a
+handsome view.
+
+How charming said Ethel. Yes well let us go up replied Bernard and he
+led the way up many a winding stairway till they came to an oak door
+with some lovly swans and bull rushes painted on it. Here we are he
+cried gaily. Ethels room was indeed a handsome compartment with purple
+silk curtains and a 4 post bed draped with the same shade. The toilit
+set was white and mouve and there were some violets in a costly varse.
+Oh I say cried Ethel in supprise. I am glad you like it said Bernard
+and here we have yours Alf. He opened [Pg 35] the dividing doors and
+portrayed a smaller but dainty room all in pale yellow and wild
+primroses. My own room is next the bath room said Bernard it is
+decerated dark red as I have somber tastes. The bath room has got a
+tip up bason and a hose thing for washing your head.
+
+A good notion said Mr Salteena who was secretly getting jellus.
+
+Here we will leave our friends to unpack and end this Chapter.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 36]
+CHAPTER 3
+
+THE FIRST EVENING
+
+
+When they had unpacked Mr Salteena and Ethel went downstairs to
+dinner. Mr Salteena had put on a compleat evening suit as he thought
+it was the correct idear and some ruby studs he had got at a sale.
+Ethel had on a dress of yellaw silk covered with tulle which was quite
+in the fashion and she had on a necklace which Mr Salteena gave her
+for a birthday present. She looked very becomeing and pretty and
+Bernard heaved a sigh as he gave her his arm to go into dinner. The
+butler Minnit was quite ready for the fray standing up very stiff and
+surrounded by two footmen in green plush and curly white wigs who were
+called Charles and Horace.
+
+Well said Mr Salteena lapping up his [Pg 37] turtle soup you have a
+very sumpshous house Bernard.
+
+His friend gave a weary smile and swollowed a few drops of sherry
+wine. It is fairly decent he replied with a bashful glance at Ethel
+after our repast I will show you over the premisis.
+
+Many thanks said Mr Salteena getting rarther flustered with his forks.
+
+You ourght to give a ball remarked Ethel you have such large
+compartments.
+
+Yes there is room enough sighed Bernard we might try a few steps and
+meanwhile I might get to know a few peaple.
+
+So you might responded Ethel giving him a speaking look.
+
+Mr Salteena was growing a little peevish but he cheered up when the
+Port wine came on the table and the butler put round some costly
+finger bowls. He did not have any in his own house and he followed
+Bernard Clarks advice as to what to do with them. After dinner Ethel
+played some [Pg 38] merry tunes on the piano and Bernard responded with
+a rarther loud song in a base voice and Ethel clapped him a good deal.
+Then Mr Salteena asked a few riddles as he was not musicle. Then
+Bernard said shall I show you over my domain and they strolled into
+the gloomy hall.
+
+I see you have a lot of ancesters said Mr Salteena in a jelous tone,
+who are they.
+
+Well said Bernard they are all quite correct. This is my aunt Caroline
+she was rarther exentrick and quite old.
+
+So I see said Mr Salteena and he passed on to a lady with a very tight
+waist and quearly shaped. That is Mary Ann Fudge my grandmother I
+think said Bernard she was very well known in her day.
+
+Why asked Ethel who was rarther curious by nature.
+
+Well I dont quite know said Bernard but she was and he moved away to
+the next picture. It was of a man with a fat smiley face and a red
+ribbon round him and a lot [Pg 39] of medals. My great uncle Ambrose
+Fudge said Bernard carelessly.
+
+He looks a thourough ancester said Ethel kindly.
+
+Well he was said Bernard in a proud tone he was really the Sinister
+son of Queen Victoria.
+
+Not really cried Ethel in excited tones but what does that mean.
+
+Well I dont quite know said Bernard Clark it puzzles me very much but
+ancesters do turn quear at times.
+
+Peraps it means god son said Mr Salteena in an inteligent voice.
+
+Well I dont think so said Bernard but I mean to find out.
+
+It is very grand anyhow said Ethel.
+
+It is that replied her host geniully.
+
+Who is this said Mr Salteena halting at a picture of a lady holding up
+some grapes and smiling a good deal.
+
+Her name was called Minnie Pilato responded Bernard she was rarther
+far back [Pg 40] but a real relation and she was engaged to the earl of
+Tullyvarden only it did not quite come off.
+
+What a pity crid Ethel.
+
+Yes it was rarther replied Bernard but she marrid a Captain in the
+Navy and had seven children so she was quite alright.
+
+Here Mr Salteena thourght he had better go to bed as he had had a long
+jornney. Bernard always had a few prayers in the hall and some whiskey
+afterwards as he was rarther pious but Mr Salteena was not very
+adicted to prayers so he marched up to bed. Ethel stayed as she
+thourght it would be a good thing. The butler came in as he was a very
+holy man and Bernard piously said the Our Father and a very good hymm
+called I will keep my anger down and a Decad of the Rosary. Ethel
+chimed in quiutly and Francis Minnit was most devout and Ethel
+thourght what a good holy family she was stopping with. So I will end
+my chapter.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 41]
+CHAPTER 4
+
+MR SALTEENAS PLAN
+
+
+Mr Salteena woke up rarther early next day and was supprised and
+delighted to find Horace the footman entering with a cup of tea.
+
+Oh thankyou my man said Mr Salteena rolling over in the costly bed. Mr
+Clark is nearly out of the bath sir anounced Horace I will have great
+plesure in turning it on for you if such is your desire. Well yes you
+might said Mr Salteena seeing it was the idear and Horace gave a
+profound bow.
+
+Ethel are you getting up shouted Mr Salteena.
+
+Very nearly replied Ethel faintly from the next room.
+
+I say said Mr Salteena excitedly I have had some tea in bed.
+
+[Pg 42]
+So have I replied Ethel.
+
+Then Mr Salteena got into a mouve dressing goun with yellaw tassles
+and siezing his soap he wandered off to the bath room which was most
+sumpshous. It had a lovly white shiny bath and sparkling taps and
+several towels arrayed in readiness by thourghtful Horace. It also had
+a step for climbing up the bath and other good dodges of a rich
+nature. Mr Salteena washed himself well and felt very much better.
+After brekfast Mr Salteena asked Bernard if he could have some privite
+conversation with him. Well yes replied Bernard if you will come into
+my study we can have a few words.
+
+Cant I come too muttered Ethel sulkily.
+
+No my dear said Mr Salteena this is privite.
+
+Perhaps later I might have a privite chat with you Miss Monticue said
+Bernard kindly.
+
+Oh do lets said Ethel.
+
+[Pg 43]
+Then Bernard and Mr S. strolled to the study and sat upon two arm
+chairs. Fire away said Bernard lighting his pipe. Well I cant exactly
+do that said Mr Salteena in slow tones it is a searious matter and you
+can advise me as you are a thorugh gentleman I am sure.
+
+Well yes said Bernard what can I do for you eh Alf?
+
+You can help me perhaps to be more like a gentleman said Mr Salteena
+getting rarther hot I am quite alright as they say but I would like to
+be the real thing can it be done he added slapping his knees.
+
+I dont quite know said Bernard it might take a good time.
+
+Might it said Mr S. but I would slave for years if need be. Bernard
+scratched his head. Why dont you try the Crystal Pallace he asked
+several peaple Earls and even dukes have privite compartments there.
+
+But I am not an Earl said Mr Salteena in a purplexed tone.
+
+[Pg 44]
+True replied Bernard but I understand there are sort of students there
+who want to get into the War Office and notable banks.
+
+Would that be a help asked Mr Salteena egerly.
+
+Well it might said Bernard I can give you a letter to my old pal the
+Earl of Clincham who lives there he might rub you up and by mixing
+with him you would probably grow more seemly.
+
+Oh ten thousand thanks said Mr Salteena I will go there as soon as it
+can be arranged if you would be so kind as to keep an eye on Ethel
+while I am away.
+
+Oh yes said Bernard I may be running up to town for a few days and she
+could come too.
+
+You are too kind said Mr Salteena and I dont think you will find her
+any trouble.
+
+No I dont think I shall said Bernard she is a pretty girl cheerful and
+active. And he blushed rarther red.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 45]
+CHAPTER 5
+
+THE CRYSTAL PALACE
+
+
+About 9 oclock next morning Mr Salteena stood bag in hand in the
+ancestle hall waiting for the viacle to convay him to the station.
+Bernard Clark and Ethel were seated side by side on a costly sofa
+gazing abstractly at the parting guest. Horace had dashed off to put
+on his cocked hat as he was going in the baroushe but Francis Minnit
+was roaming about the hall well prepared for any deed.
+
+Well said Bernard puffing at his meershum pipe I hope you will get on
+Alf I am sure you have that little letter to old Clincham eh
+
+In deed I have said Mr Salteena many thanks for the same and I do hope
+Ethel will behave properly.
+
+[Pg 46]
+Oh yes I expect she will said Bernard with a sigh.
+
+I always do said Ethel in a snappy tone.
+
+Just then there was a great clatter outside and the sound of hoofs and
+a loud neigh. The barouche I take it said Bernard rising slowly.
+
+Quite correct sir said Minnit flinging wide the portles.
+
+Well goodbye Alf old man said Bernard Clark good luck and God bless
+you he added in a pius tone.
+
+Not at all said Mr Salteena I have enjoyed my stop which has been
+short and sweet well goodbye Ethel my child he said as bag in hand he
+proceeded to the door. Francis Minnit bowed low and handed a small
+parcel to Mr Salteena a few sandwighs for the jorney sir he remarked.
+
+Oh this is most kind said Mr Salteena.
+
+Minnit closed his eyes with a tired smile. Not kind sir he muttered
+quite usual.
+
+Oh really said Mr Salteena feeling rather [Pg 47] flabergasted well
+goodbye my good fellow and he slipped 2/6 into the butlers open palm.
+
+Mr Salteena had to travel first class as active Horace ran on to buy
+the ticket which he presented with a low bow the _Times_ and
+_Tit-Bits_. Oh many thanks my man said Mr Salteena in a most airy
+voice now will you find me a corner seat in the train eh.
+
+If there is one sir replied Horace.
+
+In got Mr Salteena to his first class carrage surrounded by his
+luggage carefully piled up by kindly Horace. The other pasengers
+looked full of envy at the curly white wig and green plush uniform of
+Horace. Mr Salteena crossed his legs in a lordly way and flung a fur
+rug over his knees though he was hot enough in all consciunce. He
+began to feel this was the thin end of the partition and he smiled as
+he gently tapped the letter in his coat tail pocket. When Mr Salteena
+arrived in [Pg 48] London he began to strolle up the principle streets
+thinking how gay all was. Presently he beheld a resterant with a big
+Menu outside and he went boldly in.
+
+It was a sumpshous spot all done up in gold with plenty of looking
+glasses. Many hansome ladies and gentlemen were already partaking of
+choice food and rich wines and whiskey and the scene was most lively.
+Mr Salteena had a little whiskey to make him feel more at home. Then
+he eat some curry to the tune of a merry valse on the band. He beat
+time to the music and smiled kindly at the waiters and he felt very
+excited inside. I am seeing life with a vengance he muttered to
+himself as he paid his bill at the desk. Outside Mr Salteena found a
+tall policeman. Could you direct me to the Crystale Pallace if you
+please said Mr Salteena nervously.
+
+Well said the geniul policeman my advice would be to take a cab sir.
+
+[Pg 49]
+Oh would it said Mr Salteena then I will do so.
+
+He hailed a Hansome and got speedily in to the Crystal Palace he cried
+gaily and holding his bag on his knees he prepared to enjoy the sights
+of the Metropilis. It was a merry drive and all too soon the Palace
+heaved in view. Mr Salteena sprang out and paid the man and then he
+entered the wondrous edifice. His heart beat very fast as two huge men
+in gold braid flung open the doors. Inside was a lovely fountain in
+the middle and all round were little stalls where you could buy sweets
+and lemonade also scent handkerchiefs and many dainty articles. There
+were a lot of peaple but nobody very noteable.
+
+At last after buying two bottles of scent and some rarther nice sweets
+which stuck to his teeth Mr Salteena beheld a wooden door on which was
+nailed a notice saying To the Privite Compartments.
+
+Ah ha said Mr Salteena to himself this is [Pg 50] evidently my next move,
+and he gently pushed open the door straitening his top hat as he did so.
+Inside he found himself in a dimly lit passage with a thick and
+handsom carpet. Mr Salteena gazed round and beheld in the gloom a very
+superier gentleman in full evening dress who was reading a newspaper
+and warming his hands on the hot water pipes. Mr Salteena advanced on
+tiptoe and coughed gently as so far the gentleman had paid no
+attention. However at the second cough he raised his eyes in a weary
+fashion. do you want anything he asked in a most noble voice.
+
+Mr Salteena got very flustered. Well I am seeking the Earl of Clincham
+he began in a trembly voice are you by any chance him he added most
+respectfully.
+
+No not exacktly replied the other my name happens to be Edward
+Procurio. I am half italian and I am the Groom of the Chambers.
+
+[Pg 51]
+What chambers asked Mr Salteena blinking his eyes.
+
+These said Edward Procurio waving a thin arm.
+
+Mr Salteena then noticed several red doors with names of people on
+each one. Oh I see he said then perhaps you can tell me where the Earl
+of Clincham is to be found.
+
+At the end of the passage fourth door down said Procurio tritely of
+course he may be out one never knows what they are up to.
+
+I suppose not said Mr Salteena in an interested tone.
+
+One can not gamble on anything really said Procurio returning to the
+hot water pipes though of course I know a lot more than most peaple
+about the inmates here.
+
+What are the habbits of the Earl of Clincham said Mr Salteena.
+
+Procurio gave a smile many and varius he replied I cant say much in my
+position [Pg 52] but one lives and learns. He heaved a sigh and shruged
+his shoulders.
+
+Well good day said Mr Salteena feeling better for the chat.
+
+Procurio nodded in silence as Mr Salteena trotted off down the
+passage. At last he came to a door labelled Clincham Earl of in big
+letters. With a beating heart Mr Salteena pulled the bell and the door
+swung open of its own accord. At the same moment a cheery voice rang
+out from the distance. Come in please I am in the study first door on
+left.
+
+With a nervous bound Mr Salteena obeyd these directions and found
+himself in a small but handsome compartment done in dark green lether
+with crests on the chairs. Over the mantlepiece was hung the painting
+of a lady in a low neck looking quite the thing. By the desk was
+seated a tall man of 35 with very nice eyes of a twinkly nature and
+curly hair he wore a quite plain suit of palest grey but well [Pg 53]
+made and on the table reposed a grey top hat which had evidently been
+on his head recently. He had a rose in his button hole also a signet
+ring.
+
+Hullo said this pleasant fellow as Mr. Salteena was spell bound on
+mat.
+
+Hullo your Lord Ship responded our hero bowing low and dropping his
+top hat do I adress the Earl of Clincham.
+
+You do said the Earl with a homely smile and who do I adress eh.
+
+Our hero bowed again Alfred Salteena he said in deep tones.
+
+Oh I see said the kindly earl well come in my man and tell me who you
+are.
+
+Mr Salteena seated himself gingerly on the edge of a crested chair.
+
+To tell you the truth my Lord I am not anyone of import and I am not a
+gentleman as they say he ended getting very red and hot.
+
+Have some whiskey said lord Clincham and he poured the liquid into a
+glass at his [Pg 54] elbow. Mr. Salteena lapped it up thankfully.
+
+Well my man said the good natured earl what I say is what dose it
+matter we cant all be of the Blood royal can we.
+
+No said Mr Salteena but I suppose you are.
+
+Lord Clincham waved a careless hand. A small portion flows in my viens
+he said but it dose not worry me at all and after all he added piously
+at the Day of Judgement what will be the odds.
+
+Mr Salteena heaved a sigh. I was thinking of this world he said.
+
+Oh I see said the Earl but my own idear is that these things are as
+piffle before the wind.
+
+Not being an earl I cant say answered our hero but may I beg you to
+read this letter my Lord. He produced Bernards note from his coat
+tails. The Earl of Clincham took it in his long fingers. This is what
+he read.
+
+[Pg 55]
+     My dear Clincham
+
+     The bearer of this letter is an old friend of mine not quite the
+     right side of the blanket as they say in fact he is the son of a
+     first rate butcher but his mother was a decent family called
+     Hyssopps of the Glen so you see he is not so bad and is desireus of
+     being the correct article. Could you rub him up a bit in Socierty
+     ways. I dont know much details about him but no doubt he will
+     supply all you need. I am keeping well and hope you are. I must run
+     up to the Compartments one day and look you up.
+
+                              Yours as ever your faithfull friend
+                                        Bernard Clark.
+
+The Earl gave a slight cough and gazed at Mr Salteena thourghtfully.
+
+Have you much money he asked and are you prepared to spend a good
+deal.
+
+Oh yes quite gasped Mr Salteena I have plenty in the bank and L10 in
+ready gold in my purse.
+
+[Pg 56]
+You see these compartments are the haunts of the Aristockracy said the
+earl and they are kept going by peaple who have got something funny in
+their family and who want to be less mere if you can comprehend.
+
+Indeed I can said Mr Salteena.
+
+Personally I am a bit parshial to mere people said his Lordship but
+the point is that we charge a goodly sum for our training here but
+however if you cant pay you need not join.
+
+I can and will proclaimed Mr Salteena and he placed a L10 note on the
+desk. His Lordship slipped it in his trouser pocket. It will be L42
+before I have done with you he said but you can pay me here and there
+as convenient.
+
+Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena.
+
+Not at all said the Earl and now to bissness. While here you will live
+in compartments in the basement known as Lower Range. You will get
+many hints from the Groom of the Chambers as to clothes and [Pg 57]
+ettiquett to menials. You will mix with me for grammer and I might take
+you out hunting or shooting sometimes to give you a few tips. Also I
+have lots of ladies partys which you will attend occasionally.
+
+Mr Salteenas eyes flashed with excitement. I shall enjoy that he
+cried.
+
+His Lordship coughed loudly. You may not marry while under instruction
+he said firmly.
+
+Oh I shall not need to thankyou said Mr Salteena.
+
+You must also decide on a profeshion said his Lordship as your
+instruction will vary according.
+
+Could I be anything at Buckingham Pallace said Mr Salteena with
+flashing eyes.
+
+Oh well I dont quite know said the noble earl but you might perhaps
+gallopp beside the royal baroushe if you care to try.
+
+Oh indeed I should cried Mr Salteena I am very fond of fresh air and
+royalties.
+
+Well said the earl with a knowing smile [Pg 58] I might arrange it with
+the prince of Wales who I am rarther intimate with.
+
+Not really gasped Mr Salteena.
+
+Dear me yes remarked the earl carelessly and if we decide for you to
+gallopp by the royal viacle you must be mesured for some plush
+knickerbockers at once.
+
+Mr Salteena glanced at his rarther fat legs and sighed.
+
+Well I must go out now and call on a few Dowigers said his Lordship
+picking up his elegent top hat. Well au revoir he added with a good
+french accent.
+
+Adieu my Lord cried Mr Salteena not to be out done we meet anon I take
+it.
+
+Not till tomorrow answered the earl you will now proceed to the lower
+regions where you will no doubt find tea. He nodded kindly and glided
+out in silence.
+
+Here I will end my chapter.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 59]
+CHAPTER 6
+
+HIGH LIFE
+
+
+Mr Salteena awoke next morning in his small but pleasant room. It was
+done in green and white with Monagrams on the toilit set. He had a
+tiny white bed with a green quilt and a picture of the Nativaty and
+one of Windsor Castle on the walls. The sun was shining over all these
+things as Mr Salteena opened his sleepy eyes. Just then there was rat
+tat on the door. Come in called Mr Salteena and in came Edward
+Procurio ballancing a tray very cleverly. He looked most elegant with
+his shiny black hair and pale yellow face and half shut eyes. He
+smiled in a very mystearious and superier way as he placed the tray on
+Mr Salteenas pointed knees.
+
+Your early beverage he announced and [Pg 60] began to pull up the blinds
+still smiling to himself.
+
+Oh thankyou cried Mr Salteena feeling very towzld compared to this
+grand fellow. Then to his great supprise Procurio began to open the
+wardrobe and look at Mr Salteenas suits making italian exclamations
+under his breath. Mr Salteena dare not say a word so he swollowed his
+tea and eat a Marie biscuit hastilly. Presently Procurio advanced to
+the bed with a bright blue serge suit. Will you wear this today sir he
+asked quietly.
+
+Oh certainly said Mr Salteena.
+
+And a clean shirt would not come amiss said Procurio what about this
+pale blue and white stripe.
+
+With pleashure replied Mr Salteena. So Procurio laid them out in neat
+array also a razer and brush for shaving. Then he opened a door saying
+This is the bath room shall I turn on hot or cold.
+
+[Pg 61]
+I dont mind said Mr Salteena feeling very hot and ignorant.
+
+It is best for you to decide sir said Procurio firmly.
+
+Well I will try cold said Mr Salteena feeling it was more manly to say
+that. Procurio bowed and beat a retreat to the bath room. Then he
+returned and told Mr. Salteena that when he was washed he would find
+his breakfast in the sitting room. When Mr Salteena was dressed in his
+best blue suit and clean shirt he stroled into the sitting room where
+a gay canary was singing fit to burst in the window and a copple of
+doves cooing in a whicker cage. A cheery smell greeted him as Procurio
+glided in with some steaming coffie. Mr Salteena felt more at home and
+passed a few remarks about the weather. Procurio smiled and uncovered
+some lovely kidnys on toast and as he did so bent and whispered in Mr
+Salteenas ear you could have come in in your dressing gown.
+
+[Pg 62]
+Mr Salteena gave a start. Oh can I he said ten thousand thanks.
+
+Then Procurio passed out and Mr Salteena finnished his kidneys and
+chiruped to the birds and had a cigarette from a handsome purple box
+which he found on the desk. Then Procurio entered once more and with a
+bow said. His lordship is going to a levie this morning and thinks it
+might amuse you to go too. Could you be ready by 11 oclock.
+
+Oh yes what fun said Mr Salteena have you any notion what a levie is
+my man.
+
+Procurio gave a superier smile. It is a party given by the Queen to
+very superier peaple but this one is given by the Prince of Wales as
+the Queen is not quite her usual self today. It will be at Buckingham
+palace so you will drive with his lordship.
+
+Mr Salteena was fearfully excited. What shall I weare he gasped.
+
+Well of course you ought to have black satin knickerbockers and a hat
+with white [Pg 63] feathers also garters and a star or two.
+
+You supprise me said Mr Salteena I have none of those articles.
+
+Well said Procurio kindly his lordship will lend you his second best
+cocked hat as you are obliged to wear one and I think with a little
+thourght I might rig you up so as to pass muster.
+
+Then they rumaged among Mr Salteenas things and Procurio got very
+intelligent and advised Mr Salteena to were his black evening suit and
+role up his trousers. He also lent him a pair of white silk stockings
+which he fastened tightly round his knees with red rosettes. Then he
+quickly cut out a star in silver paper and pinned it to his chest and
+also added a strip of red ribbon across his shirt front. Then Mr
+Salteena survayed himself in the glass. Is it a fancy dress party he
+asked.
+
+No they always were that kind of thing but wait till you see his
+Lordship--if you are ready sir I will conduct you in.
+
+[Pg 64]
+Mr Salteena followed Procurio up countless stairs till they came to
+the Earls compartments and tapped on the bedroom door.
+
+Come in cried a merry voice and in they strode.
+
+I have done my best with Mr Salteena my lord I trust he will do the
+hat of course will make a deal of diffrence.
+
+Mr Salteena bowed nervously wishing he had got correct knickerbockers
+as his trousers did not feel too firm in spite of the garters.
+
+Not half bad cried the earl try on the hat Salteena it is on my bed.
+Mr Salteena placed it on his head and the feathers and gold braid
+became him very well but he felt very jellous of the earl who looked a
+sight for the gods. He had proper satin knickerbockers with diamond
+clasps and buckled shoes and black silk stockings which showed up his
+long fine legs. He had a floppy shirt of softist muslin with real lace
+collar and cuffs. A sword hung at [Pg 65] his side and a crimson sash
+was round his waist and a splendid cocked hat on his head. His blue
+eyes twinkled as he pulled on a pair of white kid gloves.
+
+Well come on Salteena he cried and dont be nervus I will get you a
+pair of knickers tomorrow. Will you get a hansome Procurio.
+
+Presently the earl and Mr Salteena were clattering away to Buckingham
+palace.
+
+You wont mind if I introduce you as Lord Hyssops do you said the earl
+as he lit his pipe. You see you are sort of mixed up with the family
+so it wont matter and will look better.
+
+So it would said Mr Salteena what do we do at the levie.
+
+Oh we strole round and eat ices and champaigne and that kind of thing
+and sometimes there is a little music.
+
+Is there any dancing asked Mr Salteena.
+
+Well not always said the Earl.
+
+I am glad of that said Mr Salteena I am [Pg 66] not so nimble as I was
+and my garters are a trifle tight.
+
+Sometimes we talk about the laws and politics said the earl if Her
+Majesty is in that kind of a mood.
+
+Just then the splendid edifice appeared in view and Mr Salteena licked
+his dry lips at sight of the vast crowd. All round were carrages full
+of costly peaple and outside the railings stood tall Life Guards
+keeping off the mere peaple who had gathered to watch the nobility
+clatter up. Lord Clincham began to bow right and left raising his
+cocked hat to his friends. There was a lot of laughter and friendly
+words as the cab finally drew up at the front door. Two tall life
+guards whisked open the doors and one of them kindly tipped the
+cabman. Mr Salteena followed his lordship up the grand steps trying to
+feel as homely as he could. Then a splendid looking fellow in a red
+tunick and a sort of black velvit tam a [Pg 67] shanter stepped forward
+from the throng shouting what name please.
+
+The Earl of Clincham and Lord Hyssops calmly replied the earl gently
+nudging Mr Salteena to act up. Mr Salteena nodded and blinked at the
+menial as much as to say all is well and then he and the earl hung up
+their cocked hats on two pegs. This way cried a deep voice and another
+menial apeared wearing stiff white britches top boots and a green
+velvit coat with a leather belt also a very shiny top hat. They
+followed this fellow down countless corridoors and finally came to big
+folding doors. The earl twiddled his mustache and slapped his leg with
+his white glove as calmly as could be. Mr Salteena purspired rarther
+hard and gave a hitch to his garters to make sure.
+
+Then the portles divided and their names were shouted in chorus by
+countless domesticks. The sumshious room was packed with men of a
+noble nature dressed like the earl in satin knickerboccers etc and
+with [Pg 68] ladies of every hue with long trains and jewels by the
+dozen. You could hardly moove in the gay throng. Dukes were as nought
+as there were a good lot of princes and Arch Dukes as it was a very
+superier levie indeed. The earl and Mr Salteena struggled through the
+crowd till they came to a platform draped with white velvit. Here on a
+golden chair was seated the prince of Wales in a lovely ermine cloak
+and a small but costly crown. He was chatting quite genially with some
+of the crowd.
+
+Up clambered the earl followed at top speed by Mr Salteena.
+
+Hullo Clincham cried the Prince quite homely and not at all grand so
+glad you turned up--quite a squash eh.
+
+A bit over powering your Highness said the earl who was quite used to
+all this may I introduce my friend Lord Hyssops he is staying with me
+so I thought I would bring him along if you dont mind Prince.
+
+Not at all cried the genial prince looking [Pg 69] rarther supprised.
+Mr Salteena bowed so low he nearly fell off the platform and as the
+prince put out a hand Mr Salteena thought he had better kiss it. The
+Prince smiled kindly I am pleased to see you Lord Hyssops he said in a
+regal voice.
+
+Then the Earl chipped in and how is the dear Queen he said reveruntly.
+
+Not up to much said his Highness she feels the heat poor soul and he
+waved to a placard which said in large letters The Queen is
+indisposed.
+
+Presently his Highness rose I think I will have a quiet glass of
+champaigne he said you come too Clincham and bring your friend the
+Diplomats are arriving and I am not much in the mood for deep talk I
+have already signed a dozen documents so I have done my duty.
+
+They all went out by a private door and found themselves in a smaller
+but gorgous room. The Prince tapped on the table and instantly two
+menials in red tunics appeared. [Pg 70] Bring three glasses of champaigne
+commanded the prince and some ices he added majestikally. The goods
+appeared as if by majic and the prince drew out a cigar case and
+passed it round.
+
+One grows weary of Court Life he remarked.
+
+Ah yes agreed the earl.
+
+It upsets me said the prince lapping up his strawberry ice all I want
+is peace and quiut and a little fun and here I am tied down to this
+life he said taking off his crown being royal has many painfull
+drawbacks.
+
+True mused the Earl.
+
+Silence fell and the strains of the band could be heard from the next
+room. Suddenly the prince gazed at Mr Salteena. Who did you say you
+were he asked in a puzzled tone.
+
+Lord Hyssops responded our hero growing purple at the lie.
+
+Well you are not a bit like the Lord [Pg 71] Hyssops I know replied the
+Prince could you explain matters.
+
+Mr Salteena gazed helplessly at the earl who had grown very pale and
+seemed lost for the moment. However he quickly recovered.
+
+He is quite alright really Prince he said His mother was called Miss
+Hyssops of the Glen.
+
+Indeed said his royal Highness that sounds correct but who was your
+father eh.
+
+Then Mr Salteena thourght he would not tell a lie so in trembly tones
+he muttered My poor father was but a butcher your Highness a very
+honest one I may add and passing rich he was called Domonic Salteena
+and my name is Alfred Salteena.
+
+The Prince stroked his yellow beard and rarther admired Mr Salteena
+for his truthful utterance--Oh I see he said well why did you palm off
+on my menials as Lord Hyssops eh
+
+Mr Salteena wiped his swetting brow but [Pg 72] the earl came to the
+rescue nobly. My fault entirely Prince he chimed in, as I was bringing
+him to this very supearier levie I thought it would be better to say he
+was of noble birth have I offended your Royal dignity.
+
+Not much said the prince it was a laudible notion and perhaps I will
+ask Mr Salteena to one of my big balls some day.
+
+Oh your Highness gasped our hero falling on one knee that would indeed
+be a treat.
+
+I suppose Prince you have not got a job going at this palace for my
+friend asked the earl you see I am rubbing him up in socierty ways and
+he fancies court life as a professhon.
+
+Oh dose he said the prince blinking his eyes well I might see.
+
+I suggested if there was a vacency going he might try cantering after
+the royal barouche said the earl.
+
+So he might said the prince I will speak [Pg 73] to the prime Minister
+about it and let you know.
+
+Ten thousand thanks cried Mr Salteena bowing low.
+
+Well now I must get along back to the levie announced the prince
+putting on his crown I have booked a valse with the Arch duchess of
+Greenwich and this is her favorite tune. So saying they issued back to
+the big room where the nobility were whirling gaily roand the more
+searious peaple such as the prime minister and the admirals etc were
+eating ices and talking passionately about the laws in a low
+undertone.
+
+The earl was soon mingling gaily in a set of lancers but Mr Salteena
+dare not because of his trousers. However he sat on a velvit chair and
+quite enjoyed over hearing the intelligent conversation of the prime
+minister. And now we will leave our hero enjoying his glimpse of high
+life and return to Ethel Monticue.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 74]
+CHAPTER 7
+
+BERNARDS IDEAR
+
+
+After Mr Salteena had departed Bernard Clark thourght he would show
+Ethel over his house so they spent a merry morning so doing. Ethel
+passed bright remarks on all the rooms and Bernard thourght she was
+most pretty and Ethel began to be a bit excited. After a lovly lunch
+they sat in the gloomy hall and Ethel began to feel very glad Mr
+Salteena was not there. Suddenly Bernard lit his pipe I was thinking
+he said passionately what about going up to London for a weeks
+Gaierty.
+
+Who inquired Ethel in a low tone.
+
+You and me said Bernard I know of several splendid hotels and we could
+go to theaters and parties and enjoy ourselves to the full.
+
+[Pg 75]
+So we could what an idear cried Ethel.
+
+So the merry plan was all arranged and they spent the afternoon in
+packing there trunks. Next day they were all ready in the hall when
+the handsome viacle once more clattered up. Ethel had on her blue
+velvit get up and a sweet new hat and plenty of ruge on her face and
+looked quite a seemly counterpart for Bernard who was arrayed in a
+white and shiny mackintosh top boots and a well brushed top hat tied
+on to him with a bit of black elastick.
+
+Well goodbye Minnit he cried to the somber butler take care of your
+gout and the silver and I will pay your wages when I come back.
+
+Thankyou kindly sir murmured Minnit when may I expect your return.
+
+Oh well I will wire he said and dashed doun the steps.
+
+Ethel followed with small lady like steps having bowed perlitely to
+Minnit who closed his eyes in acknowlegment of her kindness.
+
+[Pg 76]
+The sun was shining and Ethel had the feeling of going to a very jolly
+party and felt so sorry for all the passers by who were not going to
+London with Bernard.
+
+Arrived in the gay city Bernard hailed a eab to the manner born and
+got in followed by Ethel. Kindly drive us to the Gaierty Hotel he
+cried in a firm tone. The cabman waved his whip and off they dashed.
+
+We shall be highly comfortable and select at the Gaierty said Bernard
+and he thourght to himself how lovly it would be if he was married to
+Ethel. He blushed a deep shade at his own thourghts and gave a side
+long glance at Ethel who was gazing out of the window. Well one never
+knows he murmerd to himself and as one of the poets says great events
+from trivil causes springs.
+
+Just then they stopped at the gay hotel and Ethel was spellbound at
+the size of the big hall--Bernard poked his head into the window of
+the pay desk. Have you a coupple [Pg 77] of bedrooms for self and young
+lady he enquired in a lordly way.
+
+A very handsome lady with golden hair and a lace apron glanced at a
+book and hastilly replied Oh yes sir two beauties on the 1st floor
+number 9 and 10.
+
+Thankyou said Bernard we will go up if you have no objection.
+
+None whatever sir said the genial lady the beds are well aired and the
+view is quite pleasant.
+
+Come along Ethel cried Bernard this sounds alright eh.
+
+Oh quite said Ethel with a beaming smile.
+
+They went upstairs and entered number 9 a very fine compartment with a
+large douny bed and white doors with glass handles leading into number
+10 an equally dainty room but a trifle smaller.
+
+Which will you have Ethel asked Bernard.
+
+Oh well I would rarther you settled it [Pg 78] said Ethel. I am willing
+to abide by your choice.
+
+The best shall be yours then said Bernard bowing gallantly and
+pointing to the biggest room.
+
+Ethel blushed at his speaking look. I shall be quite lost in that huge
+bed she added to hide her embarassment.
+
+Yes I expect you will said Bernard and now what about a little table
+d'ote followed by a theater.
+
+Oh yes cried Ethel and downstairs they went.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 79]
+CHAPTER 8
+
+A GAY CALL
+
+
+I tell you what Ethel said Bernard Clark about a week later we might
+go and pay a call on my pal the Earl of Clincham.
+
+Oh do lets cried Ethel who was game for any new adventure I would
+dearly love to meet his lordship.
+
+Bernard gave a frown of jellousy at her rarther mere words.
+
+Well dress in your best he muttered.
+
+Ethel skipped into her bedroom and arrayd herself in a grass green
+muslin of decent cut a lace scarf long faun colored kid gloves and a
+muslin hat to correspond. She carried a parasole in one hand also a
+green silk bag containing a few stray hair pins a clean handkerchief
+five shillings and a pot of ruge in case. She looked a dainty vishen
+[Pg 80] with her fair hair waving in the breeze and Bernard bit his lips
+rarther hard for he could hardly contain himself and felt he must
+marry Ethel soon. He looked a handsome sight himself in some exquisite
+white trousers with a silk shirt and a pale blue blazer belt and cap.
+He wore this in honour of the earl who had been to Cambridge in his
+youth and so had Bernard Clark.
+
+At last they found themselves in the entrance hall of the Crystale
+palace and speedily made their way to the privite compartments. Edward
+Procurio was walking up and down the passage looking dark and
+mystearious as usual.
+
+Is His Lordship at home cried Bernard Clark cheerily.
+
+Which one asked Procurio many lords live here he said scornfully.
+
+Well I mean the Earl of Clincham said Bernard.
+
+Oh yes he is in responded Procurio and to the best of my belief giving
+a party.
+
+[Pg 81]
+Indeed ejaculated Bernard we have come in the nick of time Ethel he
+added. Yes said Ethel in an excited tone.
+
+Then they pealed on the bell and the door flew open. Sounds of
+laughter and comic songs issued from the abode and in a second they
+were in the crowded drawing room. It was packed with all the Elite and
+a stout duchess with a good natured face was singing a lively song and
+causing much merriment. The earl strode forward at sight of two new
+comers. Hullo Bernard old boy he cried this is a pleasure and who have
+you got with you he added glancing at Ethel.
+
+Oh this is Miss Monticue said Bernard shall I introduce you----
+
+If you will be so good said the Earl in an affable tone and Bernard
+hastily performed the right. Ethel began a bright conversatiun while
+Bernard stroled off to see if he could find any friends amid the
+throng.
+
+[Pg 82]
+What pleasant compartments you have cried Ethel in rarther a socierty
+tone.
+
+Fairly so so responded the Earl do you lire in London he added in a
+loud tone as someone was playing a very difficult peice on the piano.
+
+Well no I dont said Ethel my home is really in Northumberland but I am
+at present stopping with Mr Clark at the Gaierty Hotel she continud in
+a somewhat showing off tone.
+
+Oh I see said the earl well shall I introduce you to a few of my
+friends.
+
+Of please do said Ethel with a dainty blow at her nose.
+
+The earl disserppeard into the madding crowd and presently came back
+with a middle aged gentleman. This is Lord Hyssops he said my friend
+Miss Monticue he added genially.
+
+Ethel turned a dull yellaw. Lord Hyssops she said in a faint voice why
+it is Mr Salteena I know him well.
+
+[Pg 83]
+Hush cried the Earl it is a title bestowd recently by my friend the
+Prince of Wales.
+
+Yes indeed murmered Mr Salteena deeply flabbergasted by the ready wit
+of the earl.
+
+Oh indeed said Ethel in a peevish tone well how do you come to be
+here.
+
+I am stopping with his Lordship said Mr Salteena and have a set of
+compartments in the basement so there.
+
+I dont care said huffy Ethel I am in handsome rooms at the Gaierty.
+
+Nothing could be nicer I am sure struck in the earl what do you say
+Hyssops eh.
+
+Doubtless it is charming said Mr Salteena who was wanting peace tell
+me Ethel how did you leave Bernard.
+
+I have not left him said Ethel in an annoying voice I am stopping with
+him at the gaierty and we have been to lots of theaters and dances.
+
+Well I am glad you are enjoying yourself said Mr Salteena kindly you
+had been looking pale of late.
+
+[Pg 84]
+No wonder in your stuffy domain cried Ethel well have you got any more
+friends she added turning to the earl.
+
+Well I will see said the obliging earl and he once more disapeared.
+
+I dont know why you should turn against me Ethel said Mr Salteena in a
+low tone.
+
+Ethel patted her hair and looked very sneery. Well I call it very
+mystearious you going off and getting a title said Ethel and I think
+our friendship had better stop as no doubt you will soon be marrying a
+duchess or something.
+
+Not at all said Mr Salteena you must know Ethel he said blushing a
+deep red I always wished to marry you some fine day.
+
+This is news to me cried Ethel still peevish.
+
+But not to me murmered Mr Salteena and his voice trembled in his
+chest. I may add that I have always loved you and now I seem to do so
+madly he added passionately.
+
+[Pg 85]
+But I dont love you responded Ethel.
+
+But if you married me you might get to said Mr Salteena.
+
+I think not replied Ethel and all the same it is very kind of you to
+ask me and she smiled more nicely at him.
+
+This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my life will
+be sour grapes and ashes without you.
+
+Be a man said Ethel in a gentle whisper and I shall always think of
+you in a warm manner.
+
+Well half a loaf is better than no bread responded Mr Salteena in a
+gloomy voice and just then the earl reappeard with a very brisk lady
+in a tight silk dress whose name was called Lady Gay Finchling and her
+husband was a General but had been dead a few years. So this is Miss
+Monticue she began in a rarther high voice. Oh yes said Ethel and Mr
+Salteena wiped the foaming dew from his forehead. Little did Lady [Pg 86]
+Gay Finchling guess she had just disturbed a proposal of marrage.
+
+The Earl chimed into the conversation now and again and Lady Gay
+Finchling told several rarther witty stories to enliven the party.
+Then Bernard Clark came up and said they had better be going.
+
+Well goodbye Clincham he said I must say I have enjoyed this party
+most rechauffie I call it dont you Ethel.
+
+Most cried Ethel I suppose you often come she added in a tone of envy
+to Lady Gay Finchling.
+
+Pretty often said Lady G. F. well goodbye as I see you are in a hurry
+to be off and she dashed off towards the refreshment place.
+
+Goodbye Ethel said poor Mr Salteena in a spasam and he seized hold of
+her hand you will one day rue your wicked words farewell he repeated
+emphatically.
+
+Oh well goodbye said Ethel in a vage tone and then turning to the earl
+she said [Pg 87] I have enjoyed myself very much thankyou.
+
+Please dont mention it cried the earl well goodbye Bernard he added I
+shall look you up some day at your hotel.
+
+Yes do muttered Bernard always welcome Clincham old boy he added
+placing his blue crickit cap on his head and so saying he and Ethel
+left the gay scene and once more oozed fourth into the streets of
+London.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 88]
+CHAPTER 9
+
+A PROPOSALE
+
+
+Next morning while imbibing his morning tea beneath his pink silken
+quilt Bernard decided he must marry Ethel with no more delay. I love
+the girl he said to himself and she must be mine but I somehow feel I
+can not propose in London it would not be seemly in the city of
+London. We must go for a day in the country and when surrounded by the
+gay twittering of the birds and the smell of the cows I will lay my
+suit at her feet and he waved his arm wildly at the gay thought. Then
+he sprang from bed and gave a rat tat at Ethels door.
+
+Are you up my dear he called.
+
+Well not quite said Ethel hastilly jumping from her downy nest.
+
+Be quick cried Bernard I have a plan to [Pg 89] spend a day near Windsor
+Castle and we will take our lunch and spend a happy day.
+
+Oh Hurrah shouted Ethel I shall soon be ready as I had my bath last
+night so wont wash very much now.
+
+No dont said Bernard and added in a rarther fervent tone through the
+chink of the door you are fresher than the rose my dear no soap could
+make you fairer.
+
+Then he dashed off very embarrased to dress. Ethel blushed and felt a
+bit excited as she heard the words and she put on a new white muslin
+dress in a fit of high spirits. She looked very beautifull with some
+red roses in her hat and the dainty red ruge in her cheeks looked
+quite the thing. Bernard heaved a sigh and his eyes flashed as he
+beheld her and Ethel thorght to herself what a fine type of manhood he
+reprisented with his nice thin legs in pale broun trousers and well
+fitting spats and a red rose in his button hole and rarther a sporting
+cap which gave him a great air [Pg 90] with its quaint check and little
+flaps to pull down if necesarry. Off they started the envy of all the
+waiters.
+
+They arrived at Windsor very hot from the jorney and Bernard at once
+hired a boat to row his beloved up the river. Ethel could not row but
+she much enjoyed seeing the tough sunburnt arms of Bernard tugging at
+the oars as she lay among the rich cushons of the dainty boat. She had
+a rarther lazy nature but Bernard did not know of this. However he
+soon got dog tired and sugested lunch by the mossy bank.
+
+Oh yes said Ethel quickly opening the sparkling champaigne.
+
+Dont spill any cried Bernard as he carved some chicken.
+
+They eat and drank deeply of the charming viands ending up with
+merangs and choclates.
+
+Let us now bask under the spreading trees said Bernard in a passiunate
+tone.
+
+Oh yes lets said Ethel and she opened her [Pg 91] dainty parasole and
+sank down upon the long green grass. She closed her eyes but she was far
+from asleep. Bernard sat beside her in profound silence gazing at her
+pink face and long wavy eye lashes. He puffed at his pipe for some
+moments while the larks gaily caroled in the blue sky. Then he edged a
+trifle closer to Ethels form.
+
+Ethel he murmured in a trembly voice.
+
+Oh what is it said Ethel hastily sitting up.
+
+Words fail me ejaculated Bernard horsly my passion for you is intense
+he added fervently. It has grown day and night since I first beheld
+you.
+
+Oh said Ethel in supprise I am not prepared for this and she lent back
+against the trunk of the tree.
+
+Bernard placed one arm tightly round her. When will you marry me Ethel
+he uttered you must be my wife it has come to that I love you so
+intensly that if you say no I shall perforce dash my body to the
+[Pg 92] brink of yon muddy river he panted wildly.
+
+Oh dont do that implored Ethel breathing rarther hard.
+
+Then say you love me he cried.
+
+Oh Bernard she sighed fervently I certinly love you madly you are to
+me like a Heathen god she cried looking at his manly form and handsome
+flashing face I will indeed marry you.
+
+How soon gasped Bernard gazing at her intensly.
+
+As soon as possible said Ethel gently closing her eyes.
+
+My Darling whispered Bernard and he seiezed her in his arms we will be
+marrid next week.
+
+Oh Bernard muttered Ethel this is so sudden.
+
+No no cried Bernard and taking the bull by both horns he kissed her
+violently on her dainty face. My bride to be he murmered several
+times.
+
+[Pg 93]
+Ethel trembled with joy as she heard the mistick words.
+
+Oh Bernard she said little did I ever dream of such as this and she
+suddenly fainted into his out stretched arms.
+
+Oh I say gasped Bernard and laying the dainty burden on the grass he
+dashed to the waters edge and got a cup full of the fragrant river to
+pour on his true loves pallid brow.
+
+She soon came to and looked up with a sickly smile Take me back to the
+Gaierty hotel she whispered faintly.
+
+With plesure my darling said Bernard I will just pack up our viands
+ere I unloose the boat.
+
+Ethel felt better after a few drops of champagne and began to tidy her
+hair while Bernard packed the remains of the food. Then arm in arm
+they tottered to the boat.
+
+I trust you have not got an illness my darling murmured Bernard as he
+helped her in.
+
+[Pg 94]
+Oh no I am very strong said Ethel I fainted from joy she added to
+explain matters.
+
+Oh I see said Bernard handing her a cushon well some people do he
+added kindly and so saying they rowed down the dark stream now flowing
+silently beneath a golden moon. All was silent as the lovers glided
+home with joy in their hearts and radiunce on their faces only the
+sound of the mystearious water lapping against the frail vessel broke
+the monotony of the night.
+
+So I will end my chapter.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 95]
+CHAPTER 10
+
+PREPARING FOR THE FRAY
+
+
+The next few days were indeed bussy for Ethel and Bernard. First of
+all Ethel got some dainty pink note paper with silver crest on it and
+sent out invitations in the following terms to all their frends.
+
+  Miss Ethel Monticue will be married to
+  Mr Bernard Clark at Westminster Abbey
+  on June 10th. Your company is requested
+  there at 2-30 sharp and afterwards
+  for refreshment at the Gaierty Hotel.
+  R.S.V.P.
+
+Having posted heaps of these and got several replies Ethel began to
+order her wedding dress which cost a good bit. She chose a rich satin
+with a humped pattern of gold on the pure white and it had a long
+train [Pg 96] edged with Airum lilies. Her veil was of pure lace with a
+crown of orange blossum. Her bouquett she ordered to be of white dog
+daisies St. Joseph lilies and orange blossums tied up with pale blue
+satin ribbon.
+
+You will indeed be a charming spectacle my darling gasped Bernard as
+they left the shop. Then they drove to the tailor where Bernard
+ordered an elligant black suit with coat tails lined with crimson
+satin and a pale lavender tie and an opera hat of the same hue and he
+intended to wear violets in his buttonholes also his best white spats
+diamond studs and a few extras of costly air. They both ordered a lot
+of new clothes besides and Bernard gave Ethel a very huge tara made of
+rubies and diamonds also two rich bracelets and Ethel gave him a bran
+new trunk of shiny green leather. The earl of Clincham sent a charming
+gift of some hem stitched sheets edged with real lace and a photo of
+himself in a striking attitude. [Pg 97] Mr Salteena sent Ethel a bible
+with a few pious words of advice and regret and he sent Bernard a very
+handy little camp stool. Ethels parents were too poor to come so far but
+her Mother sent her a gold watch which did not go but had been some years
+in the family and her father provided a cheque for L2 and promised to
+send her a darling little baby calf when ready. Then they ordered the
+most splendid refreshments they had tea and coffie and sparkling wines
+to drink also a lovly wedding cake of great height with a sugar angel
+at the top holding a sword made of almond paste. They had countless
+cakes besides also ices jelly merangs jam tarts with plenty of jam on
+each some cold tongue some ham with salid and a pig's head done up in
+a wondrous manner. Ethel could hardly contain herself as she gazed at
+the sumpshious repast and Bernard gave her a glass of rich wine while
+he imbibed some whiskey before going to bed. Ethel got speedilly into
+her [Pg 98] bed for the last time at the dear old Gaierty and shed a few
+salt tears thinking of her past life but she quickly cheerd up and began
+to plan about how many children she would have. I hope I shall have a
+good lot she thourght to herself and so saying fell into repose.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 99]
+CHAPTER 11
+
+THE WEDDING
+
+
+The Abbey was indeed thronged next day when Ethel and Bernard cantered
+up in a very fine carrage drawn by two prancing steeds who foamed a
+good deal. In the porch stood several clean altar boys who conducted
+the lucky pair up the aile while the organ pealed a merry blast The
+mighty edifice was packed and seated in the front row was the Earl of
+Clincham looking very brisk as he was going to give Ethel away at the
+correct moment. Beside him sat Mr Salteena all in black and looking
+bitterly sad and he ground his teeth as Ethel came marching up. There
+were some merry hymns and as soon as Ethel and Bernard were one the
+clergyman began a sermon about Adam and Eve and the serpent and [Pg 100]
+Mr Salteena cried into his large handkerchief and the earl kept on
+nudging him as his sniffs were rarther loud. Then the wedding march
+pealed fourth and doun the church stepped Ethel and Bernard as husband
+and wife. Into the cab they got and speedelly dashed off to the
+Gaierty. The wedding refreshments were indeed a treat to all and even
+Mr Salteena cheered up when he beheld the wedding cake and sparkling
+wines. Then the earl got up and made a very fine speech about marrage
+vows and bliss and he quoted several good bits from the bible which
+got a lot of applause. Bernard replied in good round terms. I thank
+your lordship for those kind remarks he said in clear tones I expect
+we shall be as happy as a lark and I hope you will all be ditto some
+day. Here Here muttered a stray lady in the crowd and down sat Bernard
+while Ethel went up to change her wedding garment for a choice pink
+velvit dress with a golden gurdle and a very chick tocque. Bernard
+[Pg 101] also put on a new suit of blue stripe and some silk socks and
+clean under clothing. Hurah hurah shouted the guests as the pair
+reappeard in the aforesaid get ups. Then everybody got a bag of rice and
+sprinkled on the pair and Mr Salteena sadly threw a white tennis shoe
+at them wiping his eyes the while. Off drove the happy pair and the
+guests finished up the food. The happy pair went to Egypt for there
+Honymoon as they thought it would be a nice warm spot and they had
+never seen the wondrous land. Ethel was a bit sick on the boat but
+Bernard braved the storm in manly style. However Ethel had recovered
+by the time they got to Egypt and here we will leave them for a merry
+six weeks of bliss while we return to England.
+
+
+
+
+[Pg 102]
+CHAPTER 12
+
+HOW IT ENDED
+
+
+Mr Salteena by the aid of the earl and the kindness of the Prince of
+Wales managed to get the job his soul craved and any day might be seen
+in Hyde park or Pickadilly galloping madly after the Royal Carrage in
+a smart suit of green velvit with knickerbockers compleat. At first he
+was rarther terrified as he was not used to riding and he found his
+horse bumped him a good deal and he had to cling on desperatly to its
+flowing main. At other times the horse would stop dead and Mr Salteena
+would use his spurs and bad languige with no avail. But he soon got
+more used to his fresh and sultry steed and His Royal Highness seemed
+satisfide.
+
+The Earl continued his merry life at the [Pg 103] Compartments till
+finally he fell in love with one of the noble ladies who haunted them.
+She was not so pretty as Ethel as she had rarther a bulgy figure and
+brown eyes but she had lovely raven tresses a pointed nose and a rose
+like complexion of a dainty hue. She had very nice feet and plenty of
+money. Her name was called Lady Helena Herring and her age was 25 and
+she mated well with the earl.
+
+Mr Salteena grew very lonely after the earl was marrid and he could
+not bear a single life any more so failing Ethel he marrid one of the
+maids in waiting at Buckingham palace by name Bessie Topp a plesant
+girl of 18 with a round red face and rarther stary eyes.
+
+So now that all our friends are marrid I will add a few words about
+their familys. Ethel and Bernard returned from their Honymoon with a
+son and hair a nice fat baby called Ignatius Bernard. They soon [Pg 104]
+had six more children four boys and three girls and some of them were
+twins which was very exciting.
+
+The Earl only got two rarther sickly girls called Helen and Marie
+because the last one looked slightly french.
+
+Mr Salteena had a large family of 10 five of each but he grew very
+morose as the years rolled by and his little cottage was very noisy
+and his wife was a bit annoying at times especially when he took to
+dreaming of Ethel and wishing he could have marrid her. Still he was a
+pius man in his way and found relief in prayer.
+
+Bernard Clark was the happiest of our friends as he loved Ethel to the
+bitter end and so did she him and they had a nice house too.
+
+The Earl soon got tired of his sickly daughters and his wife had a
+savage temper so he thourght he would divorce her and try again but he
+gave up the idear after [Pg 105] several attempts and decided to offer
+it up as a Mortification.
+
+So now my readers we will say farewell to the characters in this book.
+
+                                 The End
+
+                             by Daisy Ashford
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Young Visiters or, Mr. Salteena's
+Plan, by Daisy Ashford
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