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diff --git a/20885-0.txt b/20885-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..789467a --- /dev/null +++ b/20885-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11677 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Promised Land, by Mary Antin + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Promised Land + +Author: Mary Antin + +Release Date: March 23, 2007 [EBook #20885] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PROMISED LAND *** + + + + +Produced by Roger Frank, Jeannie Howse and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + * * * * * + + +-----------------------------------------------------------+ + | Transcriber's Note: | + | | + | Inconsistent hyphenation and spelling in the original | + | document have been preserved. | + | | + | Obvious typographical errors have been corrected in this | + | text. For a complete list, please see the end of this | + | document. | + | | + +-----------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + + +THE PROMISED LAND + + [Illustration: MASHKE AND FETCHKE] + + + + + THE + PROMISED LAND + + BY MARY ANTIN + + + WITH ILLUSTRATIONS + FROM PHOTOGRAPHS + + + [Illustration] + + + BOSTON AND NEW YORK + HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY + The Riverside Press Cambridge + 1912 + + + + + COPYRIGHT, 1911 AND 1912, BY THE ATLANTIC MONTHLY COMPANY + COPYRIGHT, 1912, BY HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY + + _Published April 1912_ + + + + + To the Memory of + JOSEPHINE LAZARUS + Who lives in the fulfilment + of her prophecies + + + + +CONTENTS + + + INTRODUCTION xi + + I. WITHIN THE PALE 1 + + II. CHILDREN OF THE LAW 29 + + III. BOTH THEIR HOUSES 42 + + IV. DAILY BREAD 60 + + V. I REMEMBER 79 + + VI. THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE 111 + + VII. THE BOUNDARIES STRETCH 137 + + VIII. THE EXODUS 163 + + IX. THE PROMISED LAND 180 + + X. INITIATION 206 + + XI. "MY COUNTRY" 222 + + XII. MIRACLES 241 + + XIII. A CHILD'S PARADISE 252 + + XIV. MANNA 264 + + XV. TARNISHED LAURELS 276 + + XVI. DOVER STREET 286 + + XVII. THE LANDLADY 301 + +XVIII. THE BURNING BUSH 321 + + XIX. A KINGDOM IN THE SLUMS 337 + + XX. THE HERITAGE 359 + + ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 365 + + GLOSSARY 367 + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + + +MASHKE AND FETCHKE _Frontispiece_ + +THE GRAVE-DIGGER OF POLOTZK 24 + +HEDER (HEBREW SCHOOL) FOR BOYS IN POLOTZK 34 + +THE WOOD MARKET, POLOTZK 52 + +MY FATHER'S PORTRAIT 70 + +MY GRANDFATHER'S HOUSE, WHERE I WAS BORN 80 + +THE MEAT MARKET, POLOTZK 98 + +SABBATH LOAVES FOR SALE (BREAD MARKET, POLOTZK) 124 + +WINTER SCENE ON THE DVINA 144 + +UNION PLACE (BOSTON) WHERE MY NEW HOME WAITED FOR ME 184 + +TWOSCORE OF MY FELLOW-CITIZENS--PUBLIC SCHOOL, CHELSEA 230 + +WHEELER STREET, IN THE LOWER SOUTH END OF BOSTON 264 + +HARRISON AVENUE IS THE HEART OF THE SOUTH END GHETTO 288 + +I LIKED TO STAND AND LOOK DOWN ON THE DIM TANGLE OF + RAILROAD TRACKS BELOW 298 + +THE NATURAL HISTORY CLUB HAD FREQUENT FIELD EXCURSIONS 328 + +BATES HALL, WHERE I SPENT MY LONGEST HOURS IN THE + LIBRARY 342 + +THE FAMOUS STUDY, THAT WAS FIT TO HAVE BEEN PRESERVED AS A + SHRINE 346 + +THE TIDE HAD RUSHED IN, STEALING AWAY OUR SEAWEED + CUSHIONS 362 + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +I was born, I have lived, and I have been made over. Is it not time to +write my life's story? I am just as much out of the way as if I were +dead, for I am absolutely other than the person whose story I have to +tell. Physical continuity with my earlier self is no disadvantage. I +could speak in the third person and not feel that I was masquerading. +I can analyze my subject, I can reveal everything; for _she_, and not +_I_, is my real heroine. My life I have still to live; her life ended +when mine began. + +A generation is sometimes a more satisfactory unit for the study of +humanity than a lifetime; and spiritual generations are as easy to +demark as physical ones. Now I am the spiritual offspring of the +marriage within my conscious experience of the Past and the Present. +My second birth was no less a birth because there was no distinct +incarnation. Surely it has happened before that one body served more +than one spiritual organization. Nor am I disowning my father and +mother of the flesh, for they were also partners in the generation of +my second self; copartners with my entire line of ancestors. They gave +me body, so that I have eyes like my father's and hair like my +mother's. The spirit also they gave me, so that I reason like my +father and endure like my mother. But did they set me down in a +sheltered garden, where the sun should warm me, and no winter should +hurt, while they fed me from their hands? No; they early let me run in +the fields--perhaps because I would not be held--and eat of the wild +fruits and drink of the dew. Did they teach me from books, and tell me +what to believe? I soon chose my own books, and built me a world of my +own. + +In these discriminations _I_ emerged, a new being, something that had +not been before. And when I discovered my own friends, and ran home +with them to convert my parents to a belief in their excellence, did I +not begin to make my father and mother, as truly as they had ever made +me? Did I not become the parent and they the children, in those +relations of teacher and learner? And so I can say that there has been +more than one birth of myself, and I can regard my earlier self as a +separate being, and make it a subject of study. + +A proper autobiography is a death-bed confession. A true man finds so +much work to do that he has no time to contemplate his yesterdays; for +to-day and to-morrow are here, with their impatient tasks. The world +is so busy, too, that it cannot afford to study any man's unfinished +work; for the end may prove it a failure, and the world needs +masterpieces. Still there are circumstances by which a man is +justified in pausing in the middle of his life to contemplate the +years already passed. One who has completed early in life a distinct +task may stop to give an account of it. One who has encountered +unusual adventures under vanishing conditions may pause to describe +them before passing into the stable world. And perhaps he also might +be given an early hearing, who, without having ventured out of the +familiar paths, without having achieved any signal triumph, has lived +his simple life so intensely, so thoughtfully, as to have discovered +in his own experience an interpretation of the universal life. + +I am not yet thirty, counting in years, and I am writing my life +history. Under which of the above categories do I find my +justification? I have not accomplished anything, I have not discovered +anything, not even by accident, as Columbus discovered America. My +life has been unusual, but by no means unique. And this is the very +core of the matter. It is because I understand my history, in its +larger outlines, to be typical of many, that I consider it worth +recording. My life is a concrete illustration of a multitude of +statistical facts. Although I have written a genuine personal memoir, +I believe that its chief interest lies in the fact that it is +illustrative of scores of unwritten lives. I am only one of many whose +fate it has been to live a page of modern history. We are the strands +of the cable that binds the Old World to the New. As the ships that +brought us link the shores of Europe and America, so our lives span +the bitter sea of racial differences and misunderstandings. Before we +came, the New World knew not the Old; but since we have begun to come, +the Young World has taken the Old by the hand, and the two are +learning to march side by side, seeking a common destiny. + +Perhaps I have taken needless trouble to furnish an excuse for my +autobiography. My age alone, my true age, would be reason enough for +my writing. I began life in the Middle Ages, as I shall prove, and +here am I still, your contemporary in the twentieth century, thrilling +with your latest thought. + +Had I no better excuse for writing, I still might be driven to it by +my private needs. It is in one sense a matter of my personal +salvation. I was at a most impressionable age when I was transplanted +to the new soil. I was in that period when even normal children, +undisturbed in their customary environment, begin to explore their own +hearts, and endeavor to account for themselves and their world. And my +zest for self-exploration seems not to have been distracted by the +necessity of exploring a new outer universe. I embarked on a double +voyage of discovery, and an exciting life it was! I took note of +everything. I could no more keep my mind from the shifting, changing +landscape than an infant can keep his eyes from the shining candle +moved across his field of vision. Thus everything impressed itself on +my memory, and with double associations; for I was constantly +referring my new world to the old for comparison, and the old to the +new for elucidation. I became a student and philosopher by force of +circumstances. + +Had I been brought to America a few years earlier, I might have +written that in such and such a year my father emigrated, just as I +would state what he did for a living, as a matter of family history. +Happening when it did, the emigration became of the most vital +importance to me personally. All the processes of uprooting, +transportation, replanting, acclimatization, and development took +place in my own soul. I felt the pang, the fear, the wonder, and the +joy of it. I can never forget, for I bear the scars. But I want to +forget--sometimes I long to forget. I think I have thoroughly +assimilated my past--I have done its bidding--I want now to be of +to-day. It is painful to be consciously of two worlds. The Wandering +Jew in me seeks forgetfulness. I am not afraid to live on and on, if +only I do not have to remember too much. A long past vividly +remembered is like a heavy garment that clings to your limbs when you +would run. And I have thought of a charm that should release me from +the folds of my clinging past. I take the hint from the Ancient +Mariner, who told his tale in order to be rid of it. I, too, will tell +my tale, for once, and never hark back any more. I will write a bold +"Finis" at the end, and shut the book with a bang! + + + + +THE PROMISED LAND + + +CHAPTER I + +WITHIN THE PALE + + +When I was a little girl, the world was divided into two parts; +namely, Polotzk, the place where I lived, and a strange land called +Russia. All the little girls I knew lived in Polotzk, with their +fathers and mothers and friends. Russia was the place where one's +father went on business. It was so far off, and so many bad things +happened there, that one's mother and grandmother and grown-up aunts +cried at the railroad station, and one was expected to be sad and +quiet for the rest of the day, when the father departed for Russia. + +After a while there came to my knowledge the existence of another +division, a region intermediate between Polotzk and Russia. It seemed +there was a place called Vitebsk, and one called Vilna, and Riga, and +some others. From those places came photographs of uncles and cousins +one had never seen, and letters, and sometimes the uncles themselves. +These uncles were just like people in Polotzk; the people in Russia, +one understood, were very different. In answer to one's questions, the +visiting uncles said all sorts of silly things, to make everybody +laugh; and so one never found out why Vitebsk and Vilna, since they +were not Polotzk, were not as sad as Russia. Mother hardly cried at +all when the uncles went away. + +One time, when I was about eight years old, one of my grown-up +cousins went to Vitebsk. Everybody went to see her off, but I didn't. +I went with her. I was put on the train, with my best dress tied up in +a bandana, and I stayed on the train for hours and hours, and came to +Vitebsk. I could not tell, as we rushed along, where the end of +Polotzk was. There were a great many places on the way, with strange +names, but it was very plain when we got to Vitebsk. + +The railroad station was a big place, much bigger than the one in +Polotzk. Several trains came in at once, instead of only one. There +was an immense buffet, with fruits and confections, and a place where +books were sold. My cousin never let go my hand, on account of the +crowd. Then we rode in a cab for ever so long, and I saw the most +beautiful streets and shops and houses, much bigger and finer than any +in Polotzk. + +We remained in Vitebsk several days, and I saw many wonderful things, +but what gave me my one great surprise was something that wasn't new +at all. It was the river--the river Dvina. Now the Dvina is in +Polotzk. All my life I had seen the Dvina. How, then, could the Dvina +be in Vitebsk? My cousin and I had come on the train, but everybody +knew that a train could go everywhere, even to Russia. It became clear +to me that the Dvina went on and on, like a railroad track, whereas I +had always supposed that it stopped where Polotzk stopped. I had never +seen the end of Polotzk; I meant to, when I was bigger. But how could +there be an end to Polotzk now? Polotzk was everything on both sides +of the Dvina, as all my life I had known; and the Dvina, it now turned +out, never broke off at all. It was very curious that the Dvina should +remain the same, while Polotzk changed into Vitebsk! + +The mystery of this transmutation led to much fruitful thinking. The +boundary between Polotzk and the rest of the world was not, as I had +supposed, a physical barrier, like the fence which divided our garden +from the street. The world went like this now: Polotzk--more +Polotzk--more Polotzk--Vitebsk! And Vitebsk was not so different, only +bigger and brighter and more crowded. And Vitebsk was not the end. The +Dvina, and the railroad, went on beyond Vitebsk,--went on to Russia. +Then was Russia more Polotzk? Was here also no dividing fence? How I +wanted to see Russia! But very few people went there. When people went +to Russia it was a sign of trouble; either they could not make a +living at home, or they were drafted for the army, or they had a +lawsuit. No, nobody went to Russia for pleasure. Why, in Russia lived +the Czar, and a great many cruel people; and in Russia were the +dreadful prisons from which people never came back. + +Polotzk and Vitebsk were now bound together by the continuity of the +earth, but between them and Russia a formidable barrier still +interposed. I learned, as I grew older, that much as Polotzk disliked +to go to Russia, even more did Russia object to letting Polotzk come. +People from Polotzk were sometimes turned back before they had +finished their business, and often they were cruelly treated on the +way. It seemed there were certain places in Russia--St. Petersburg, +and Moscow, and Kiev--where my father or my uncle or my neighbor must +never come at all, no matter what important things invited them. The +police would seize them and send them back to Polotzk, like wicked +criminals, although they had never done any wrong. + +It was strange enough that my relatives should be treated like this, +but at least there was this excuse for sending them back to Polotzk, +that they belonged there. For what reason were people driven out of +St. Petersburg and Moscow who had their homes in those cities, and had +no other place to go to? Ever so many people, men and women and even +children, came to Polotzk, where they had no friends, with stories of +cruel treatment in Russia; and although they were nobody's relatives, +they were taken in, and helped, and set up in business, like +unfortunates after a fire. + +It was very strange that the Czar and the police should want all +Russia for themselves. It was a very big country; it took many days +for a letter to reach one's father in Russia. Why might not everybody +be there who wanted to? + +I do not know when I became old enough to understand. The truth was +borne in on me a dozen times a day, from the time I began to +distinguish words from empty noises. My grandmother told me about it, +when she put me to bed at night. My parents told me about it, when +they gave me presents on holidays. My playmates told me, when they +drew me back into a corner of the gateway, to let a policeman pass. +Vanka, the little white-haired boy, told me all about it, when he ran +out of his mother's laundry on purpose to throw mud after me when I +happened to pass. I heard about it during prayers, and when women +quarrelled in the market place; and sometimes, waking in the night, I +heard my parents whisper it in the dark. There was no time in my life +when I did not hear and see and feel the truth--the reason why Polotzk +was cut off from the rest of Russia. It was the first lesson a little +girl in Polotzk had to learn. But for a long while I did not +understand. Then there came a time when I knew that Polotzk and +Vitebsk and Vilna and some other places were grouped together as the +"Pale of Settlement," and within this area the Czar commanded me to +stay, with my father and mother and friends, and all other people like +us. We must not be found outside the Pale, because we were Jews. + +So there was a fence around Polotzk, after all. The world was divided +into Jews and Gentiles. This knowledge came so gradually that it could +not shock me. It trickled into my consciousness drop by drop. By the +time I fully understood that I was a prisoner, the shackles had grown +familiar to my flesh. + +The first time Vanka threw mud at me, I ran home and complained to my +mother, who brushed off my dress and said, quite resignedly, "How can +I help you, my poor child? Vanka is a Gentile. The Gentiles do as they +like with us Jews." The next time Vanka abused me, I did not cry, but +ran for shelter, saying to myself, "Vanka is a Gentile." The third +time, when Vanka spat on me, I wiped my face and thought nothing at +all. I accepted ill-usage from the Gentiles as one accepts the +weather. The world was made in a certain way, and I had to live in it. + +Not quite all the Gentiles were like Vanka. Next door to us lived a +Gentile family which was very friendly. There was a girl as big as I, +who never called me names, and gave me flowers from her father's +garden. And there were the Parphens, of whom my grandfather rented his +store. They treated us as if we were not Jews at all. On our festival +days they visited our house and brought us presents, carefully +choosing such things as Jewish children might accept; and they liked +to have everything explained to them, about the wine and the fruit and +the candles, and they even tried to say the appropriate greetings and +blessings in Hebrew. My father used to say that if all the Russians +were like the Parphens, there would be no trouble between Gentiles and +Jews; and Fedora Pavlovna, the landlady, would reply that the Russian +_people_ were not to blame. It was the priests, she said, who taught +the people to hate the Jews. Of course she knew best, as she was a +very pious Christian. She never passed a church without crossing +herself. + +The Gentiles were always crossing themselves; when they went into a +church, and when they came out, when they met a priest, or passed an +image in the street. The dirty beggars on the church steps never +stopped crossing themselves; and even when they stood on the corner of +a Jewish street, and received alms from Jewish people, they crossed +themselves and mumbled Christian prayers. In every Gentile house there +was what they called an "icon," which was an image or picture of the +Christian god, hung up in a corner, with a light always burning before +it. In front of the icon the Gentiles said their prayers, on their +knees, crossing themselves all the time. + +I tried not to look in the corner where the icon was, when I came into +a Gentile house. I was afraid of the cross. Everybody was, in +Polotzk--all the Jews, I mean. For it was the cross that made the +priests, and the priests made our troubles, as even some Christians +admitted. The Gentiles said that we had killed their God, which was +absurd, as they never had a God--nothing but images. Besides, what +they accused us of had happened so long ago; the Gentiles themselves +said it was long ago. Everybody had been dead for ages who could have +had anything to do with it. Yet they put up crosses everywhere, and +wore them on their necks, on purpose to remind themselves of these +false things; and they considered it pious to hate and abuse us, +insisting that we had killed their God. To worship the cross and to +torment a Jew was the same thing to them. That is why we feared the +cross. + +Another thing the Gentiles said about us was that we used the blood of +murdered Christian children at the Passover festival. Of course that +was a wicked lie. It made me sick to think of such a thing. I knew +everything that was done for Passover, from the time I was a very +little girl. The house was made clean and shining and holy, even in +the corners where nobody ever looked. Vessels and dishes that were +used all the year round were put away in the garret, and special +vessels were brought out for the Passover week. I used to help unpack +the new dishes, and find my own blue mug. When the fresh curtains were +put up, and the white floors were uncovered, and everybody in the +house put on new clothes, and I sat down to the feast in my new dress, +I felt clean inside and out. And when I asked the Four Questions, +about the unleavened bread and the bitter herbs and the other things, +and the family, reading from their books, answered me, did I not know +all about Passover, and what was on the table, and why? It was wicked +of the Gentiles to tell lies about us. The youngest child in the house +knew how Passover was kept. + +The Passover season, when we celebrated our deliverance from the land +of Egypt, and felt so glad and thankful, as if it had only just +happened, was the time our Gentile neighbors chose to remind us that +Russia was another Egypt. That is what I heard people say, and it was +true. It was not so bad in Polotzk, within the Pale; but in Russian +cities, and even more in the country districts, where Jewish families +lived scattered, by special permission of the police, who were always +changing their minds about letting them stay, the Gentiles made the +Passover a time of horror for the Jews. Somebody would start up that +lie about murdering Christian children, and the stupid peasants would +get mad about it, and fill themselves with vodka, and set out to kill +the Jews. They attacked them with knives and clubs and scythes and +axes, killed them or tortured them, and burned their houses. This was +called a "pogrom." Jews who escaped the pogroms came to Polotzk with +wounds on them, and horrible, horrible stories, of little babies torn +limb from limb before their mothers' eyes. Only to hear these things +made one sob and sob and choke with pain. People who saw such things +never smiled any more, no matter how long they lived; and sometimes +their hair turned white in a day, and some people became insane on the +spot. + +Often we heard that the pogrom was led by a priest carrying a cross +before the mob. Our enemies always held up the cross as the excuse of +their cruelty to us. I never was in an actual pogrom, but there were +times when it threatened us, even in Polotzk; and in all my fearful +imaginings, as I hid in dark corners, thinking of the horrible things +the Gentiles were going to do to me, I saw the cross, the cruel cross. + +I remember a time when I thought a pogrom had broken out in our +street, and I wonder that I did not die of fear. It was some Christian +holiday, and we had been warned by the police to keep indoors. Gates +were locked; shutters were barred. If a child cried, the nurse +threatened to give it to the priest, who would soon be passing by. +Fearful and yet curious, we looked through the cracks in the +shutters. We saw a procession of peasants and townspeople, led by a +number of priests, carrying crosses and banners and images. In the +place of honor was carried a casket, containing a relic from the +monastery in the outskirts of Polotzk. Once a year the Gentiles +paraded with this relic, and on that occasion the streets were +considered too holy for Jews to be about; and we lived in fear till +the end of the day, knowing that the least disturbance might start a +riot, and a riot lead to a pogrom. + +On the day when I saw the procession through a crack in the shutter, +there were soldiers and police in the street. This was as usual, but I +did not know it. I asked the nurse, who was pressing to the crack over +my head, what the soldiers were for. Thoughtlessly she answered me, +"In case of a pogrom." Yes, there were the crosses and the priests and +the mob. The church bells were pealing their loudest. Everything was +ready. The Gentiles were going to tear me in pieces, with axes and +knives and ropes. They were going to burn me alive. The cross--the +cross! What would they do to me first? + +There was one thing the Gentiles might do to me worse than burning or +rending. It was what was done to unprotected Jewish children who fell +into the hands of priests or nuns. They might baptize me. That would +be worse than death by torture. Rather would I drown in the Dvina than +a drop of the baptismal water should touch my forehead. To be forced +to kneel before the hideous images, to kiss the cross,--sooner would I +rush out to the mob that was passing, and let them tear my vitals out. +To forswear the One God, to bow before idols,--rather would I be +seized with the plague, and be eaten up by vermin. I was only a little +girl, and not very brave; little pains made me ill, and I cried. But +there was no pain that I would not bear--no, none--rather than submit +to baptism. + +Every Jewish child had that feeling. There were stories by the dozen +of Jewish boys who were kidnapped by the Czar's agents and brought up +in Gentile families, till they were old enough to enter the army, +where they served till forty years of age; and all those years the +priests tried, by bribes and daily tortures, to force them to accept +baptism, but in vain. This was in the time of Nicholas I, but men who +had been through this service were no older than my grandfather, when +I was a little girl; and they told their experiences with their own +lips, and one knew it was true, and it broke one's heart with pain and +pride. + +Some of these soldiers of Nicholas, as they were called, were taken as +little boys of seven or eight--snatched from their mothers' laps. They +were carried to distant villages, where their friends could never +trace them, and turned over to some dirty, brutal peasant, who used +them like slaves and kept them with the pigs. No two were ever left +together; and they were given false names, so that they were entirely +cut off from their own world. And then the lonely child was turned +over to the priests, and he was flogged and starved and terrified--a +little helpless boy who cried for his mother; but still he refused to +be baptized. The priests promised him good things to eat, and fine +clothes, and freedom from labor; but the boy turned away, and said his +prayers secretly--the Hebrew prayers. + +As he grew older, severer tortures were invented for him; still he +refused baptism. By this time he had forgotten his mother's face, and +of his prayers perhaps only the "Shema" remained in his memory; but +he was a Jew, and nothing would make him change. After he entered the +army, he was bribed with promises of promotions and honors. He +remained a private, and endured the cruellest discipline. When he was +discharged, at the age of forty, he was a broken man, without a home, +without a clue to his origin, and he spent the rest of his life +wandering among Jewish settlements, searching for his family; hiding +the scars of torture under his rags, begging his way from door to +door. If he were one who had broken down under the cruel torments, and +allowed himself to be baptized, for the sake of a respite, the Church +never let him go again, no matter how loudly he protested that he was +still a Jew. If he was caught practicing Jewish rites, he was +subjected to the severest punishment. + +My father knew of one who was taken as a small boy, who never yielded +to the priests under the most hideous tortures. As he was a very +bright boy, the priests were particularly eager to convert him. They +tried him with bribes that would appeal to his ambition. They promised +to make a great man of him--a general, a noble. The boy turned away +and said his prayers. Then they tortured him, and threw him into a +cell; and when he lay asleep from exhaustion, the priest came and +baptized him. When he awoke, they told him he was a Christian, and +brought him the crucifix to kiss. He protested, threw the crucifix +from him, but they held him to it that he was a baptized Jew, and +belonged to the Church; and the rest of his life he spent between the +prison and the hospital, always clinging to his faith, saying the +Hebrew prayers in defiance of his tormentors, and paying for it with +his flesh. + +There were men in Polotzk whose faces made you old in a minute. They +had served Nicholas I, and come back unbaptized. The white church in +the square--how did it look to them? I knew. I cursed the church in my +heart every time I had to pass it; and I was afraid--afraid. + +On market days, when the peasants came to church, and the bells kept +ringing by the hour, my heart was heavy in me, and I could find no +rest. Even in my father's house I did not feel safe. The church bell +boomed over the roofs of the houses, calling, calling, calling. I +closed my eyes, and saw the people passing into the church: peasant +women with bright embroidered aprons and glass beads; barefoot little +girls with colored kerchiefs on their heads; boys with caps pulled too +far down over their flaxen hair; rough men with plaited bast sandals, +and a rope around the waist,--crowds of them, moving slowly up the +steps, crossing themselves again and again, till they were swallowed +by the black doorway, and only the beggars were left squatting on the +steps. _Boom, boom!_ What are the people doing in the dark, with the +waxen images and the horrid crucifixes? _Boom, boom, boom!_ They are +ringing the bell for me. Is it in the church they will torture me, +when I refuse to kiss the cross? + +They ought not to have told me those dreadful stories. They were long +past; we were living under the blessed "New Régime." Alexander III was +no friend of the Jews; still he did not order little boys to be taken +from their mothers, to be made into soldiers and Christians. Every man +had to serve in the army for four years, and a Jewish recruit was +likely to be treated with severity, no matter if his behavior were +perfect; but that was little compared to the dreadful conditions of +the old régime. + +The thing that really mattered was the necessity of breaking the +Jewish laws of daily life while in the service. A soldier often had to +eat trefah and work on Sabbath. He had to shave his beard and do +reverence to Christian things. He could not attend daily services at +the synagogue; his private devotions were disturbed by the jeers and +insults of his coarse Gentile comrades. He might resort to all sorts +of tricks and shams, still he was obliged to violate Jewish law. When +he returned home, at the end of his term of service, he could not rid +himself of the stigma of those enforced sins. For four years he had +led the life of a Gentile. + +Piety alone was enough to make the Jews dread military service, but +there were other things that made it a serious burden. Most men of +twenty-one--the age of conscription--were already married and had +children. During their absence their families suffered, their business +often was ruined. At the end of their term they were beggars. As +beggars, too, they were sent home from their military post. If they +happened to have a good uniform at the time of their dismissal, it was +stripped from them, and replaced by a shabby one. They received a free +ticket for the return journey, and a few kopecks a day for expenses. +In this fashion they were hurried back into the Pale, like escaped +prisoners. The Czar was done with them. If within a limited time they +were found outside the Pale, they would be seized and sent home in +chains. + +There were certain exceptions to the rule of compulsory service. The +only son of a family was exempt, and certain others. In the physical +examination preceding conscription, many were rejected on account of +various faults. This gave the people the idea of inflicting injuries +on themselves, so as to produce temporary deformities on account of +which they might be rejected at the examination. Men would submit to +operations on their eyes, ears, or limbs, which caused them horrible +sufferings, in the hope of escaping the service. If the operation was +successful, the patient was rejected by the examining officers, and in +a short time he was well, and a free man. Often, however, the +deformity intended to be temporary proved incurable, so that there +were many men in Polotzk blind of one eye, or hard of hearing, or +lame, as a result of these secret practices; but these things were +easier to bear than the memory of four years in the Czar's service. + +Sons of rich fathers could escape service without leaving any marks on +their persons. It was always possible to bribe conscription officers. +This was a dangerous practice,--it was not the officers who suffered +most in case the negotiations leaked out,--but no respectable family +would let a son be taken as a recruit till it had made every effort to +save him. My grandfather nearly ruined himself to buy his sons out of +service; and my mother tells thrilling anecdotes of her younger +brother's life, who for years lived in hiding, under assumed names and +in various disguises, till he had passed the age of liability for +service. + +If it were cowardice that made the Jews shrink from military service +they would not inflict on themselves physical tortures greater than +any that threatened them in the army, and which often left them maimed +for life. If it were avarice--the fear of losing the gains from their +business for four years--they would not empty their pockets and sell +their houses and sink into debt, on the chance of successfully bribing +the Czar's agents. The Jewish recruit dreaded, indeed, brutality and +injustice at the hands of officers and comrades; he feared for his +family, which he left, often enough, as dependents on the charity of +relatives; but the fear of an unholy life was greater than all other +fears. I know, for I remember my cousin who was taken as a soldier. +Everything had been done to save him. Money had been spent freely--my +uncle did not stop at his unmarried daughter's portion, when +everything else was gone. My cousin had also submitted to some secret +treatment,--some devastating drug administered for months before the +examination,--but the effects were not pronounced enough, and he was +passed. For the first few weeks his company was stationed in Polotzk. +I saw my cousin drill on the square, carrying a gun, _on a Sabbath_. I +felt unholy, as if I had sinned the sin in my own person. It was easy +to understand why mothers of conscript sons fasted and wept and prayed +and worried themselves to their graves. + +There was a man in our town called David the Substitute, because he +had gone as a soldier in another's stead, he himself being exempt. He +did it for a sum of money. I suppose his family was starving, and he +saw a chance to provide for them for a few years. But it was a sinful +thing to do, to go as a soldier and be obliged to live like a Gentile, +of his own free will. And David knew how wicked it was, for he was a +pious man at heart. When he returned from service, he was aged and +broken, bowed down with the sense of his sins. And he set himself a +penance, which was to go through the streets every Sabbath morning, +calling the people to prayer. Now this was a hard thing to do, +because David labored bitterly all the week, exposed to the weather, +summer or winter; and on Sabbath morning there was nobody so tired and +lame and sore as David. Yet he forced himself to leave his bed before +it was yet daylight, and go from street to street, all over Polotzk, +calling on the people to wake and go to prayer. Many a Sabbath morning +I awoke when David called, and lay listening to his voice as it passed +and died out; and it was so sad that it hurt, as beautiful music +hurts. I was glad to feel my sister lying beside me, for it was lonely +in the gray dawn, with only David and me awake, and God waiting for +the people's prayers. + +The Gentiles used to wonder at us because we cared so much about +religious things,--about food, and Sabbath, and teaching the children +Hebrew. They were angry with us for our obstinacy, as they called it, +and mocked us and ridiculed the most sacred things. There were wise +Gentiles who understood. These were educated people, like Fedora +Pavlovna, who made friends with their Jewish neighbors. They were +always respectful, and openly admired some of our ways. But most of +the Gentiles were ignorant and distrustful and spiteful. They would +not believe that there was any good in our religion, and of course we +dared not teach them, because we should be accused of trying to +convert them, and that would be the end of us. + +Oh, if they could only understand! Vanka caught me on the street one +day, and pulled my hair, and called me names; and all of a sudden I +asked myself _why_--_why?_--a thing I had stopped asking years before. +I was so angry that I could have punished him; for one moment I was +not afraid to hit back. But this _why_--_why?_ broke out in my heart, +and I forgot to revenge myself. It was so wonderful--Well, there were +no words in my head to say it, but it meant that Vanka abused me only +because _he did not understand_. If he could feel with my heart, if he +could be a little Jewish boy for one day, I thought, he would know--he +would know. If he could understand about David the Substitute, now, +without being told, as I understood. If he could wake in my place on +Sabbath morning, and feel his heart break in him with a strange pain, +because a Jew had dishonored the law of Moses, and God was bending +down to pardon him. Oh, why could I not make Vanka understand? I was +so sorry that my heart hurt me, worse than Vanka's blows. My anger and +my courage were gone. Vanka was throwing stones at me now from his +mother's doorway, and I continued on my errand, but I did not hurry. +The thing that hurt me most I could not run away from. + +There was one thing the Gentiles always understood, and that was +money. They would take any kind of bribe at any time. Peace cost so +much a year in Polotzk. If you did not keep on good terms with your +Gentile neighbors, they had a hundred ways of molesting you. If you +chased their pigs when they came rooting up your garden, or objected +to their children maltreating your children, they might complain +against you to the police, stuffing their case with false accusations +and false witnesses. If you had not made friends with the police, the +case might go to court; and there you lost before the trial was +called, unless the judge had reason to befriend you. The cheapest way +to live in Polotzk was to pay as you went along. Even a little girl +understood that, in Polotzk. + +Perhaps your parents were in business,--usually they were, as almost +everybody kept store,--and you heard a great deal about the chief of +police, and excise officers, and other agents of the Czar. Between the +Czar whom you had never seen, and the policeman whom you knew too +well, you pictured to yourself a long row of officials of all sorts, +all with their palms stretched out to receive your father's money. You +knew your father hated them all, but you saw him smile and bend as he +filled those greedy palms. You did the same, in your petty way, when +you saw Vanka coming toward you on a lonely street, and you held out +to him the core of the apple you had been chewing, and forced your +unwilling lips into a smile. It hurt, that false smile; it made you +feel black inside. + +In your father's parlor hung a large colored portrait of Alexander +III. The Czar was a cruel tyrant,--oh, it was whispered when doors +were locked and shutters tightly barred, at night,--he was a Titus, a +Haman, a sworn foe of all Jews,--and yet his portrait was seen in a +place of honor in your father's house. You knew why. It looked well +when police or government officers came on business. + +You went out to play one morning, and saw a little knot of people +gathered around a lamp-post. There was a notice on it--a new order +from the chief of police. You pushed into the crowd, and stared at the +placard, but you could not read. A woman with a ragged shawl looked +down upon you, and said, with a bitter kind of smile, "Rejoice, +rejoice, little girl! The chief of police bids you rejoice. There +shall be a pretty flag flying from every housetop to-day, because it +is the Czar's birthday, and we must celebrate. Come and watch the poor +people pawn their samovars and candlesticks, to raise money for a +pretty flag. It is a holiday, little girl. Rejoice!" + +You know the woman is mocking,--you are familiar with the quality of +that smile,--but you accept the hint and go and watch the people buy +their flags. Your cousin keeps a dry-goods store, where you have a +fine view of the proceedings. There is a crowd around the counter, and +your cousin and the assistant are busily measuring off lengths of +cloth, red, and blue, and white. + +"How much does it take?" somebody asks. "May I know no more of sin +than I know of flags," another replies. "How is it put together?" "Do +you have to have all three colors?" One customer puts down a few +kopecks on the counter, saying, "Give me a piece of flag. This is all +the money I have. Give me the red and the blue; I'll tear up my shirt +for the white." + +You know it is no joke. The flag must show from every house, or the +owner will be dragged to the police station, to pay a fine of +twenty-five rubles. What happened to the old woman who lives in that +tumble-down shanty over the way? It was that other time when flags +were ordered up, because the Grand Duke was to visit Polotzk. The old +woman had no flag, and no money. She hoped the policeman would not +notice her miserable hut. But he did, the vigilant one, and he went up +and kicked the door open with his great boot, and he took the last +pillow from the bed, and sold it, and hoisted a flag above the rotten +roof. I knew the old woman well, with her one watery eye and her +crumpled hands. I often took a plate of soup to her from our kitchen. +There was nothing but rags left on her bed, when the policeman had +taken the pillow. + +The Czar always got his dues, no matter if it ruined a family. There +was a poor locksmith who owed the Czar three hundred rubles, because +his brother had escaped from Russia before serving his term in the +army. There was no such fine for Gentiles, only for Jews; and the +whole family was liable. Now, the locksmith never could have so much +money, and he had no valuables to pawn. The police came and attached +his household goods, everything he had, including his young bride's +trousseau; and the sale of the goods brought thirty-five rubles. After +a year's time the police came again, looking for the balance of the +Czar's dues. They put their seal on everything they found. The bride +was in bed with her first baby, a boy. The circumcision was to be next +day. The police did not leave a sheet to wrap the child in when he is +handed up for the operation. + +Many bitter sayings came to your ears if you were a Jewish little girl +in Polotzk. "It is a false world," you heard, and you knew it was so, +looking at the Czar's portrait, and at the flags. "Never tell a police +officer the truth," was another saying, and you knew it was good +advice. That fine of three hundred rubles was a sentence of lifelong +slavery for the poor locksmith, unless he freed himself by some trick. +As fast as he could collect a few rags and sticks, the police would be +after them. He might hide under a false name, if he could get away +from Polotzk on a false passport; or he might bribe the proper +officials to issue a false certificate of the missing brother's death. +Only by false means could he secure peace for himself and his family, +as long as the Czar was after his dues. + +It was bewildering to hear how many kinds of duties and taxes we owed +the Czar. We paid taxes on our houses, and taxes on the rents from the +houses, taxes on our business, taxes on our profits. I am not sure +whether there were taxes on our losses. The town collected taxes, and +the county, and the central government; and the chief of police we had +always with us. There were taxes for public works, but rotten +pavements went on rotting year after year; and when a bridge was to be +built, special taxes were levied. A bridge, by the way, was not always +a public highway. A railroad bridge across the Dvina, while open to +the military, could be used by the people only by individual +permission. + +My uncle explained to me all about the excise duties on tobacco. +Tobacco being a source of government revenue, there was a heavy tax on +it. Cigarettes were taxed at every step of their process. The tobacco +was taxed separately, and the paper, and the mouthpiece, and on the +finished product an additional tax was put. There was no tax on the +smoke. The Czar must have overlooked it. + +Business really did not pay when the price of goods was so swollen by +taxes that the people could not buy. The only way to make business pay +was to cheat--cheat the Government of part of the duties. But playing +tricks on the Czar was dangerous, with so many spies watching his +interests. People who sold cigarettes without the government seal got +more gray hairs than bank notes out of their business. The constant +risk, the worry, the dread of a police raid in the night, and the +ruinous fines, in case of detection, left very little margin of profit +or comfort to the dealer in contraband goods. "But what can one do?" +the people said, with the shrug of the shoulders that expresses the +helplessness of the Pale. "What can one do? One must live." + +It was not easy to live, with such bitter competition as the +congestion of population made inevitable. There were ten times as many +stores as there should have been, ten times as many tailors, cobblers, +barbers, tinsmiths. A Gentile, if he failed in Polotzk, could go +elsewhere, where there was less competition. A Jew could make the +circle of the Pale, only to find the same conditions as at home. +Outside the Pale he could only go to certain designated localities, on +payment of prohibitive fees, augmented by a constant stream of bribes; +and even then he lived at the mercy of the local chief of police. + +Artisans had the right to reside outside the Pale, on fulfilment of +certain conditions. This sounded easy to me, when I was a little girl, +till I realized how it worked. There was a capmaker who had duly +qualified, by passing an examination and paying for his trade papers, +to live in a certain city. The chief of police suddenly took it into +his head to impeach the genuineness of his papers. The capmaker was +obliged to travel to St. Petersburg, where he had qualified in the +first place, to repeat the examination. He spent the savings of years +in petty bribes, trying to hasten the process, but was detained ten +months by bureaucratic red tape. When at length he returned to his +home town, he found a new chief of police, installed during his +absence, who discovered a new flaw in the papers he had just obtained, +and expelled him from the city. If he came to Polotzk, there were then +eleven capmakers where only one could make a living. + +Merchants fared like the artisans. They, too, could buy the right of +residence outside the Pale, permanent or temporary, on conditions that +gave them no real security. I was proud to have an uncle who was a +merchant of the First Guild, but it was very expensive for my uncle. +He had to pay so much a year for the title, and a certain percentage +on the profits from his business. This gave him the right to travel on +business outside the Pale, twice a year, for not more than six months +in all. If he were found outside the Pale after his permit expired, he +had to pay a fine that exceeded all he had gained by his journey, +perhaps. I used to picture my uncle on his Russian travels, hurrying, +hurrying to finish his business in the limited time; while a policeman +marched behind him, ticking off the days and counting up the hours. +That was a foolish fancy, but some of the things that were done in +Russia really were very funny. + +There were things in Polotzk that made you laugh with one eye and weep +with the other, like a clown. During an epidemic of cholera, the city +officials, suddenly becoming energetic, opened stations for the +distribution of disinfectants to the people. A quarter of the +population was dead when they began, and most of the dead were buried, +while some lay decaying in deserted houses. The survivors, some of +them crazy from horror, stole through the empty streets, avoiding one +another, till they came to the appointed stations, where they pushed +and crowded to get their little bottles of carbolic acid. Many died +from fear in those horrible days, but some must have died from +laughter. For only the Gentiles were allowed to receive the +disinfectant. Poor Jews who had nothing but their new-made graves were +driven away from the stations. + +Perhaps it was wrong of us to think of our Gentile neighbors as a +different species of beings from ourselves, but such madness as that +did not help to make them more human in our eyes. It was easier to be +friends with the beasts in the barn than with some of the Gentiles. +The cow and the goat and the cat responded to kindness, and +remembered which of the housemaids was generous and which was cross. +The Gentiles made no distinctions. A Jew was a Jew, to be hated and +spat upon and used spitefully. + +The only Gentiles, besides the few of the intelligent kind, who did +not habitually look upon us with hate and contempt, were the stupid +peasants from the country, who were hardly human themselves. They +lived in filthy huts together with their swine, and all they cared for +was how to get something to eat. It was not their fault. The land laws +made them so poor that they had to sell themselves to fill their +bellies. What help was there for us in the good will of such wretched +slaves? For a cask of vodka you could buy up a whole village of them. +They trembled before the meanest townsman, and at a sign from a +long-haired priest they would sharpen their axes against us. + +The Gentiles had their excuse for their malice. They said our +merchants and money-lenders preyed upon them, and our shopkeepers gave +false measure. People who want to defend the Jews ought never to deny +this. Yes, I say, we cheated the Gentiles whenever we dared, because +it was the only thing to do. Remember how the Czar was always sending +us commands,--you shall not do this and you shall not do that, until +there was little left that we might honestly do, except pay tribute +and die. There he had us cooped up, thousands of us where only +hundreds could live, and every means of living taxed to the utmost. +When there are too many wolves in the prairie, they begin to prey upon +each other. We starving captives of the Pale--we did as do the hungry +brutes. But our humanity showed in our discrimination between our +victims. Whenever we could, we spared our own kind, directing against +our racial foes the cunning wiles which our bitter need invented. Is +not that the code of war? Encamped in the midst of the enemy, we could +practice no other. A Jew could hardly exist in business unless he +developed a dual conscience, which allowed him to do to the Gentile +what he would call a sin against a fellow Jew. Such spiritual +deformities are self-explained in the step-children of the Czar. A +glance over the statutes of the Pale leaves you wondering that the +Russian Jews have not lost all semblance to humanity. + + [Illustration: THE GRAVE DIGGER OF POLOTZK] + +A favorite complaint against us was that we were greedy for gold. Why +could not the Gentiles see the whole truth where they saw half? Greedy +for profits we were, eager for bargains, for savings, intent on +squeezing the utmost out of every business transaction. But why? Did +not the Gentiles know the reason? Did they not know what price we had +to pay for the air we breathed? If a Jew and a Gentile kept store side +by side, the Gentile could content himself with smaller profits. He +did not have to buy permission to travel in the interests of his +business. He did not have to pay three hundred rubles fine if his son +evaded military service. He was saved the expense of hushing inciters +of pogroms. Police favor was retailed at a lower price to him than to +the Jew. His nature did not compel him to support schools and +charities. It cost nothing to be a Christian; on the contrary, it +brought rewards and immunities. To be a Jew was a costly luxury, the +price of which was either money or blood. Is it any wonder that we +hoarded our pennies? What his shield is to the soldier in battle, that +was the ruble to the Jew in the Pale. + +The knowledge of such things as I am telling leaves marks upon the +flesh and spirit. I remember little children in Polotzk with old, old +faces and eyes glazed with secrets. I knew how to dodge and cringe and +dissemble before I knew the names of the seasons. And I had plenty of +time to ponder on these things, because I was so idle. If they had let +me go to school, now--But of course they didn't. + +There was no free school for girls, and even if your parents were rich +enough to send you to a private school, you could not go very far. At +the high school, which was under government control, Jewish children +were admitted in limited numbers,--only ten to every hundred,--and +even if you were among the lucky ones, you had your troubles. The +tutor who prepared you talked all the time about the examinations you +would have to pass, till you were scared. You heard on all sides that +the brightest Jewish children were turned down if the examining +officers did not like the turn of their noses. You went up to be +examined with the other Jewish children, your heart heavy about that +matter of your nose. There was a special examination for the Jewish +candidates, of course; a nine-year-old Jewish child had to answer +questions that a thirteen-year-old Gentile was hardly expected to +understand. But that did not matter so much. You had been prepared for +the thirteen-year-old test; you found the questions quite easy. You +wrote your answers triumphantly--and you received a low rating, and +there was no appeal. + +I used to stand in the doorway of my father's store, munching an apple +that did not taste good any more, and watch the pupils going home from +school in twos and threes; the girls in neat brown dresses and black +aprons and little stiff hats, the boys in trim uniforms with many +buttons. They had ever so many books in the satchels on their backs. +They would take them out at home, and read and write, and learn all +sorts of interesting things. They looked to me like beings from +another world than mine. But those whom I envied had their own +troubles, as I often heard. Their school life was one struggle against +injustice from instructors, spiteful treatment from fellow students, +and insults from everybody. Those who, by heroic efforts and +transcendent good luck, successfully finished the course, found +themselves against a new wall, if they wished to go on. They were +turned down at the universities, which admitted them in the ratio of +three Jews to a hundred Gentiles, under the same debarring entrance +conditions as at the high school,--especially rigorous examinations, +dishonest marking, or arbitrary rulings without disguise. No, the Czar +did not want us in the schools. + +I heard from my mother of a different state of affairs, at the time +when her brothers were little boys. The Czar of those days had a +bright idea. He said to his ministers: "Let us educate the people. Let +us win over those Jews through the public schools, instead of allowing +them to persist in their narrow Hebrew learning, which teaches them no +love for their monarch. Force has failed with them; the unwilling +converts return to their old ways whenever they dare. Let us try +education." + +Perhaps peaceable conversion of the Jews was not the Czar's only +motive when he opened public schools everywhere and compelled parents +to send their boys for instruction. Perhaps he just wanted to be good, +and really hoped to benefit the country. But to the Jews the public +schools appeared as a trap door to the abyss of apostasy. The +instructors were always Christians, the teaching was Christian, and +the regulations of the schoolroom, as to hours, costume, and manners, +were often in opposition to Jewish practices. The public school +interrupted the boy's sacred studies in the Hebrew school. Where would +you look for pious Jews, after a few generations of boys brought up by +Christian teachers? Plainly the Czar was after the souls of the Jewish +children. The church door gaped for them at the end of the school +course. And all good Jews rose up against the schools, and by every +means, fair or foul, kept their boys away. The official appointed to +keep the register of boys for school purposes waxed rich on the bribes +paid him by anxious parents who kept their sons in hiding. + +After a while the wise Czar changed his mind, or he died,--probably he +did both,--and the schools were closed, and the Jewish boys perused +their Hebrew books in peace, wearing the sacred fringes[1] in plain +sight, and never polluting their mouths with a word of Russian. + +And then it was the Jews who changed their minds--some of them. They +wanted to send their children to school, to learn histories and +sciences, because they had discovered that there was good in such +things as well as in the Sacred Law. These people were called +progressive, but they had no chance to progress. All the czars that +came along persisted in the old idea, that for the Jew no door should +be opened,--no door out of the Pale, no door out of their mediævalism. + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[1] A four-cornered cloth with specially prepared fringes is worn by +pious males under the outer garments, but with, the fringes showing. +The latter play a part in the daily ritual. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +CHILDREN OF THE LAW + + +As I look back to-day I see, within the wall raised around my +birthplace by the vigilance of the police, another wall, higher, +thicker, more impenetrable. This is the wall which the Czar with all +his minions could not shake, the priests with their instruments of +torture could not pierce, the mob with their firebrands could not +destroy. This wall within the wall is the religious integrity of the +Jews, a fortress erected by the prisoners of the Pale, in defiance of +their jailers; a stronghold built of the ruins of their pillaged +homes, cemented with the blood of their murdered children. + +Harassed on every side, thwarted in every normal effort, pent up +within narrow limits, all but dehumanized, the Russian Jew fell back +upon the only thing that never failed him,--his hereditary faith in +God. In the study of the Torah he found the balm for all his wounds; +the minute observance of traditional rites became the expression of +his spiritual cravings; and in the dream of a restoration to Palestine +he forgot the world. + +What did it matter to us, on a Sabbath or festival, when our life was +centred in the synagogue, what czar sat on the throne, what evil +counsellors whispered in his ear? They were concerned with revenues +and policies and ephemeral trifles of all sorts, while we were intent +on renewing our ancient covenant with God, to the end that His promise +to the world should be fulfilled, and His justice overwhelm the +nations. + +On a Friday afternoon the stores and markets closed early. The clatter +of business ceased, the dust of worry was laid, and the Sabbath peace +flooded the quiet streets. No hovel so mean but what its casement sent +out its consecrated ray, so that a wayfarer passing in the twilight +saw the spirit of God brooding over the lowly roof. + +Care and fear and shrewishness dropped like a mask from every face. +Eyes dimmed with weeping kindled with inmost joy. Wherever a head bent +over a sacred page, there rested the halo of God's presence. + +Not on festivals alone, but also on the common days of the week, we +lived by the Law that had been given us through our teacher Moses. How +to eat, how to bathe, how to work--everything had been written down +for us, and we strove to fulfil the Law. The study of the Torah was +the most honored of all occupations, and they who engaged in it the +most revered of all men. + +My memory does not go back to a time when I was too young to know that +God had made the world, and had appointed teachers to tell the people +how to live in it. First came Moses, and after him the great rabbis, +and finally the Rav of Polotzk, who read all day in the sacred books, +so that he could tell me and my parents and my friends what to do +whenever we were in doubt. If my mother cut up a chicken and found +something wrong in it,--some hurt or mark that should not be,--she +sent the housemaid with it to the rav, and I ran along, and saw the +rav look in his big books; and whatever he decided was right. If he +called the chicken "trefah" I must not eat of it; no, not if I had to +starve. And the rav knew about everything: about going on a journey, +about business, about marrying, about purifying vessels for Passover. + +Another great teacher was the dayyan, who heard people's quarrels and +settled them according to the Law, so that they should not have to go +to the Gentile courts. The Gentiles were false, judges and witnesses +and all. They favored the rich man against the poor, the Christian +against the Jew. The dayyan always gave true judgments. Nohem +Rabinovitch, the richest man in Polotzk, could not win a case against +a servant maid, unless he were in the right. + +Besides the rav and the dayyan there were other men whose callings +were holy,--the shohat, who knew how cattle and fowls should be +killed; the hazzan and the other officers of the synagogue; the +teachers of Hebrew, and their pupils. It did not matter how poor a man +was, he was to be respected and set above other men, if he were +learned in the Law. + +In the synagogue scores of men sat all day long over the Hebrew books, +studying and disputing from early dawn till candles were brought in at +night, and then as long as the candles lasted. They could not take +time for anything else, if they meant to become great scholars. Most +of them were strangers in Polotzk, and had no home except the +synagogue. They slept on benches, on tables, on the floor; they picked +up their meals wherever they could. They had come from distant cities, +so as to be under good teachers in Polotzk; and the townspeople were +proud to support them by giving them food and clothing and sometimes +money to visit their homes on holidays. But the poor students came in +such numbers that there were not enough rich families to provide for +all, so that some of them suffered privation. You could pick out a +poor student in a crowd, by his pale face and shrunken form. + +There was almost always a poor student taking meals at our house. He +was assigned a certain day, and on that day my grandmother took care +to have something especially good for dinner. It was a very shabby +guest who sat down with us at table, but we children watched him with +respectful eyes. Grandmother had told us that he was a lamden +(scholar), and we saw something holy in the way he ate his cabbage. + +Not every man could hope to be a rav, but no Jewish boy was allowed to +grow up without at least a rudimentary knowledge of Hebrew. The +scantiest income had to be divided so as to provide for the boys' +tuition. To leave a boy without a teacher was a disgrace upon the +whole family, to the remotest relative. For the children of the +destitute there was a free school, supported by the charity of the +pious. And so every boy was sent to heder (Hebrew school) almost as +soon as he could speak; and usually he continued to study until his +confirmation, at thirteen years of age, or as much longer as his +talent and ambition carried him. My brother was five years old when he +entered on his studies. He was carried to the heder, on the first day, +covered over with a praying-shawl, so that nothing unholy should look +on him; and he was presented with a bun, on which were traced, in +honey, these words: "The Torah left by Moses is the heritage of the +children of Jacob." + +After a boy entered heder, he was the hero of the family. He was +served before the other children at table, and nothing was too good +for him. If the family were very poor, all the girls might go +barefoot, but the heder boy must have shoes; he must have a plate of +hot soup, though the others ate dry bread. When the rebbe (teacher) +came on Sabbath afternoon, to examine the boy in the hearing of the +family, everybody sat around the table and nodded with satisfaction, +if he read his portion well; and he was given a great saucerful of +preserves, and was praised, and blessed, and made much of. No wonder +he said, in his morning prayer, "I thank Thee, Lord, for not having +created me a female." It was not much to be a girl, you see. Girls +could not be scholars and rabbonim. + +I went to my brother's heder, sometimes, to bring him his dinner, and +saw how the boys studied. They sat on benches around the table, with +their hats on, of course, and the sacred fringes hanging beneath their +jackets. The rebbe sat at an end of the table, rehearsing two or three +of the boys who were studying the same part, pointing out the words +with his wooden pointer, so as not to lose the place. Everybody read +aloud, the smallest boys repeating the alphabet in a sing-song, while +the advanced boys read their portions in a different sing-song; and +everybody raised his voice to its loudest so as to drown the other +voices. The good boys never took their eyes off their page, except to +ask the rebbe a question; but the naughty boys stared around the room, +and kicked each other under the table, till the rebbe caught them at +it. He had a ruler for striking the bad boys on the knuckles, and in a +corner of the room leaned a long birch wand for pupils who would not +learn their lessons. + +The boys came to heder before nine in the morning, and remained until +eight or nine in the evening. Stupid pupils, who could not remember +the lesson, sometimes had to stay till ten. There was an hour for +dinner and play at noon. Good little boys played quietly in their +places, but most of the boys ran out of the house and jumped and +yelled and quarrelled. + +There was nothing in what the boys did in heder that I could not have +done--if I had not been a girl. For a girl it was enough if she could +read her prayers in Hebrew, and follow the meaning by the Yiddish +translation at the bottom of the page. It did not take long to learn +this much,--a couple of terms with a rebbetzin (female teacher),--and +after that she was done with books. + +A girl's real schoolroom was her mother's kitchen. There she learned +to bake and cook and manage, to knit, sew, and embroider; also to spin +and weave, in country places. And while her hands were busy, her +mother instructed her in the laws regulating a pious Jewish household +and in the conduct proper for a Jewish wife; for, of course, every +girl hoped to be a wife. A girl was born for no other purpose. + +How soon it came, the pious burden of wifehood! One day the girl is +playing forfeits with her laughing friends, the next day she is missed +from the circle. She has been summoned to a conference with the +shadchan (marriage broker), who has been for months past advertising +her housewifely talents, her piety, her good looks, and her marriage +portion, among families with marriageable sons. Her parents are +pleased with the son-in-law proposed by the shadchan, and now, at the +last, the girl is brought in, to be examined and appraised by the +prospective parents-in-law. If the negotiations go off smoothly, the +marriage contract is written, presents are exchanged between the +engaged couple, through their respective parents, and all that is left +the girl of her maidenhood is a period of busy preparation for the +wedding. + + [Illustration: HEDER (HEBREW SCHOOL) FOR BOYS IN POLOTZK] + +If the girl is well-to-do, it is a happy interval, spent in visits to +the drapers and tailors, in collecting linens and featherbeds and +vessels of copper and brass. The former playmates come to inspect the +trousseau, enviously fingering the silks and velvets of the +bride-elect. The happy heroine tries on frocks and mantles before her +glass, blushing at references to the wedding day; and to the question, +"How do you like the bridegroom?" she replies, "How should I know? +There was such a crowd at the betrothal that I didn't see him." + +Marriage was a sacrament with us Jews in the Pale. To rear a family of +children was to serve God. Every Jewish man and woman had a part in +the fulfilment of the ancient promise given to Jacob that his seed +should be abundantly scattered over the earth. Parenthood, therefore, +was the great career. But while men, in addition to begetting, might +busy themselves with the study of the Law, woman's only work was +motherhood. To be left an old maid became, accordingly, the greatest +misfortune that could threaten a girl; and to ward off that calamity +the girl and her family, to the most distant relatives, would strain +every nerve, whether by contributing to her dowry, or hiding her +defects from the marriage broker, or praying and fasting that God +might send her a husband. + +Not only must all the children of a family be mated, but they must +marry in the order of their ages. A younger daughter must on no +account marry before an elder. A houseful of daughters might be held +up because the eldest failed to find favor in the eyes of prospective +mothers-in-law; not one of the others could marry till the eldest was +disposed of. + +A cousin of mine was guilty of the disloyalty of wishing to marry +before her elder sister, who was unfortunate enough to be rejected by +one mother-in-law after another. My uncle feared that the younger +daughter, who was of a firm and masterful nature, might carry out her +plans, thereby disgracing her unhappy sister. Accordingly he hastened +to conclude an alliance with a family far beneath him, and the girl +was hastily married to a boy of whom little was known beyond the fact +that he was inclined to consumption. + +The consumptive tendency was no such horror, in an age when +superstition was more in vogue than science. For one patient that went +to a physician in Polotzk, there were ten who called in unlicensed +practitioners and miracle workers. If my mother had an obstinate +toothache that honored household remedies failed to relieve, she went +to Dvoshe, the pious woman, who cured by means of a flint and steel, +and a secret prayer pronounced as the sparks flew up. During an +epidemic of scarlet fever, we protected ourselves by wearing a piece +of red woolen tape around the neck. Pepper and salt tied in a corner +of the pocket was effective in warding off the evil eye. There were +lucky signs, lucky dreams, spirits, and hobgoblins, a grisly +collection, gathered by our wandering ancestors from the demonologies +of Asia and Europe. + +Antiquated as our popular follies was the organization of our small +society. It was a caste system with social levels sharply marked off, +and families united by clannish ties. The rich looked down on the +poor, the merchants looked down on the artisans, and within the ranks +of the artisans higher and lower grades were distinguished. A +shoemaker's daughter could not hope to marry the son of a shopkeeper, +unless she brought an extra large dowry; and she had to make up her +mind to be snubbed by the sisters-in-law and cousins-in-law all her +life. + +One qualification only could raise a man above his social level, and +that was scholarship. A boy born in the gutter need not despair of +entering the houses of the rich, if he had a good mind and a great +appetite for sacred learning. A poor scholar would be preferred in the +marriage market to a rich ignoramus. In the phrase of our +grandmothers, a boy stuffed with learning was worth more than a girl +stuffed with bank notes. + +Simple piety unsupported by learning had a parallel value in the eyes +of good families. This was especially true among the Hasidim, the sect +of enthusiasts who set religious exaltation above rabbinical lore. +Ecstasy in prayer and fantastic merriment on days of religious +rejoicing, raised a Hasid to a hero among his kind. My father's +grandfather, who knew of Hebrew only enough to teach beginners, was +famous through a good part of the Pale for his holy life. Israel +Kimanyer he was called, from the village of Kimanye where he lived; +and people were proud to establish even the most distant relationship +with him. Israel was poor to the verge of beggary, but he prayed more +than other people, never failed in the slightest observance enjoined +on Jews, shared his last crust with every chance beggar, and sat up +nights to commune with God. His family connections included country +peddlers, starving artisans, and ne'er-do-wells; but Israel was a +zaddik--a man of piety--and the fame of his good life redeemed the +whole wretched clan. When his grandson, my father, came to marry, he +boasted his direct descent from Israel Kimanyer, and picked his bride +from the best families. + +The little house may still be standing which the pious Jews of Kimanye +and the neighboring villages built for my great-grandfather, close on +a century ago. He was too poor to build his own house, so the good +people who loved him, and who were almost as poor as he, collected a +few rubles among themselves, and bought a site, and built the house. +Built, let it be known, with their own hands; for they were too poor +to hire workmen. They carried the beams and boards on their shoulders, +singing and dancing on the way, as they sang and danced at the +presentation of a scroll to the synagogue. They hauled and sawed and +hammered, till the last nail was driven home; and when they conducted +the holy man to his new abode, the rejoicing was greater than at the +crowning of a czar. + +That little cabin was fit to be preserved as the monument to a +species of idealism that has rarely been known outside the Pale. What +was the ultimate source of the pious enthusiasm that built my +great-grandfather's house? What was the substance behind the show of +the Judaism of the Pale? Stripped of its grotesque mask of forms, +rites, and mediæval superstitions, the religion of these fanatics was +simply the belief that God was, had been, and ever would be, and that +they, the children of Jacob, were His chosen messengers to carry His +Law to all the nations. Beneath the mountainous volumes of the +Talmudists and commentators, the Mosaic tablets remained intact. Out +of the mazes of the Cabala the pure doctrine of ancient Judaism found +its way to the hearts of the faithful. Sects and schools might rise +and fall, deafening the ears of the simple with the clamor of their +disputes, still the Jew, retiring within his own soul, heard the +voice of the God of Abraham. Prophets, messiahs, miracle workers +might have their day, still the Jew was conscious that between +himself and God no go-between was needed; that he, as well as every +one of his million brothers, had his portion of God's work to do. And +this close relation to God was the source of the strength that +sustained the Jew through all the trials of his life in the Pale. +Consciously or unconsciously, the Jew identified himself with the +cause of righteousness on earth; and hence the heroism with which he +met the battalions of tyrants. + +No empty forms could have impressed the unborn children of the Pale so +deeply that they were prepared for willing martyrdom almost as soon as +they were weaned from their mother's breast. The flame of the burning +bush that had dazzled Moses still lighted the gloomy prison of the +Pale. Behind the mummeries, ceremonials, and symbolic accessories, the +object of the Jew's adoration was the face of God. + +This has been many times proved by those who escaped from the Pale, +and, excited by sudden freedom, thought to rid themselves, by one +impatient effort, of every strand of their ancient bonds. Eager to be +merged in the better world in which they found themselves, the escaped +prisoners determined on a change of mind, a change of heart, a change +of manner. They rejoiced in their transformation, thinking that every +mark of their former slavery was obliterated. And then, one day, +caught in the vise of some crucial test, the Jew fixed his alarmed +gaze on his inmost soul, and found there the image of his father's +God. + + * * * * * + +Merrily played the fiddlers at the wedding of my father, who was the +grandson of Israel Kimanyer of sainted memory. The most pious men in +Polotzk danced the night through, their earlocks dangling, the tails +of their long coats flying in a pious ecstasy. Beggars swarmed among +the bidden guests, sure of an easy harvest where so many hearts were +melted by piety. The wedding jester excelled himself in apt allusions +to the friends and relatives who brought up their wedding presents at +his merry invitation. The sixteen-year-old bride, suffocated beneath +her heavy veil, blushed unseen at the numerous healths drunk to her +future sons and daughters. The whole town was a-flutter with joy, +because the pious scion of a godly race had found a pious wife, and a +young branch of the tree of Judah was about to bear fruit. + +When I came to lie on my mother's breast, she sang me lullabies on +lofty themes. I heard the names of Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah as early +as the names of father, mother, and nurse. My baby soul was enthralled +by sad and noble cadences, as my mother sang of my ancient home in +Palestine, or mourned over the desolation of Zion. With the first +rattle that was placed in my hand a prayer was pronounced over me, a +petition that a pious man might take me to wife, and a messiah be +among my sons. + +I was fed on dreams, instructed by means of prophecies, trained to +hear and see mystical things that callous senses could not perceive. I +was taught to call myself a princess, in memory of my forefathers who +had ruled a nation. Though I went in the disguise of an outcast, I +felt a halo resting on my brow. Sat upon by brutal enemies, unjustly +hated, annihilated a hundred times, I yet arose and held my head high, +sure that I should find my kingdom in the end, although I had lost my +way in exile; for He who had brought my ancestors safe through a +thousand perils was guiding my feet as well. God needed me and I +needed Him, for we two together had a work to do, according to an +ancient covenant between Him and my forefathers. + +This is the dream to which I was heir, in common with every sad-eyed +child of the Pale. This is the living seed which I found among my +heirlooms, when I learned how to strip from them the prickly husk in +which they were passed down to me. And what is the fruit of such seed +as that, and whither lead such dreams? If it is mine to give the +answer, let my words be true and brave. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +BOTH THEIR HOUSES + + +Among the mediæval customs which were preserved in the Pale when the +rest of the world had long forgotten them was the use of popular +sobriquets in place of surnames proper. Family names existed only in +official documents, such as passports. For the most part people were +known by nicknames, prosaic or picturesque, derived from their +occupations, their physical peculiarities, or distinctive +achievements. Among my neighbors in Polotzk were Yankel the Wig-maker, +Mulye the Blind, Moshe the Six-fingered; and members of their +respective families were referred to by these nicknames: as, for +example, "Mirele, niece of Moshe the Six-fingered." + +Let me spread out my family tree, raise aloft my coat-of-arms, and see +what heroes have left a mark by which I may be distinguished. Let me +hunt for my name in the chronicles of the Pale. + +In the village of Yuchovitch, about sixty versts above Polotzk, the +oldest inhabitant still remembered my father's great-grandfather when +my father was a boy. Lebe the Innkeeper he was called, and no reproach +was coupled with the name. His son Hayyim succeeded to the business, +but later he took up the glazier's trade, and developed a knack for +all sorts of tinkering, whereby he was able to increase his too scanty +earnings. + +Hayyim the Glazier is reputed to have been a man of fine countenance, +wise in homely counsel, honest in all his dealings. Rachel Leah, his +wife, had a reputation for practical wisdom even greater than his. She +was the advice giver of the village in every perplexity of life. My +father remembers his grandmother as a tall, trim, handsome old woman, +active and independent. Satin headbands and lace-trimmed bonnets not +having been invented in her day, Rachel Leah wore the stately knupf or +turban on her shaven head. On Sabbaths and holidays she went to the +synagogue with a long, straight mantle hanging from neck to ankle; and +she wore it with an air, on one sleeve only, the other dangling empty +from her shoulder. + +Hayyim begat Joseph, and Joseph begat Pinchus, my father. It behooves +me to consider the stuff I sprang from. + +Joseph inherited the trade, good name, and meagre portion of his +father, and maintained the family tradition of honesty and poverty +unbroken to the day of his death. For that matter, Yuchovitch never +heard of any connection of the family, not even a doubtful cousin, who +was not steeped to the earlocks in poverty. But that was no +distinction in Yuchovitch; the whole village was poor almost to +beggary. + +Joseph was an indifferent workman, an indifferent scholar, and an +indifferent hasid. At one thing only he was strikingly good, and that +was at grumbling. Although not unkind, he had a temper that boiled +over at small provocation, and even in his most placid mood he took +very little satisfaction in the world. He reversed the proverb, +looking for the sable lining of every silver cloud. In the conditions +of his life he found plenty of food for his pessimism, and merry +hearts were very rare among his neighbors. Still a certain amount of +gloom appears to have been inherent in the man. And as he distrusted +the whole world, so Joseph distrusted himself, which made him shy and +awkward in company. My mother tells how, at the wedding of his only +son, my father, Joseph sat the whole night through in a corner, never +as much as cracking a smile, while the wedding guests danced, laughed, +and rejoiced. + +It may have been through distrust of the marital state that Joseph +remained single till the advanced age of twenty-five. Then he took +unto himself an orphan girl as poor as he, namely, Rachel, the +daughter of Israel Kimanyer of pious memory. + +My grandmother was such a gentle, cheerful soul, when I knew her, that +I imagine she must have been a merry bride. I should think my +grandfather would have taken great satisfaction in her society, as her +attempts to show him the world through rose-hued spectacles would have +given him frequent opportunity to parade his grievances and recite his +wrongs. But from all reports it appears that he was never satisfied, +and if he did not make his wife unhappy it was because he was away +from home so much. He was absent the greater part of the time; for a +glazier, even if he were a better workman than my grandfather, could +not make a living in Yuchovitch. He became a country peddler, trading +between Polotzk and Yuchovitch, and taking in all the desolate little +hamlets scattered along that route. Fifteen rubles' worth of goods was +a big bill to carry out of Polotzk. The stock consisted of cheap +pottery, tobacco, matches, boot grease, and axle grease. These he +bartered for country produce, including grains in small quantity, +bristles, rags, and bones. Money was seldom handled in these +transactions. + +A rough enough life my grandfather led, on the road at all seasons, in +all weathers, knocking about at smoky little inns, glad sometimes of +the hospitality of some peasant's hut, where the pigs slept with the +family. He was doing well if he got home for the holidays with a +little white flour for a cake, and money enough to take his best coat +out of pawn. The best coat, and the candlesticks, too, would be +repawned promptly on the first workday; for it was not for the like of +Joseph of Yuchovitch to live with idle riches around him. + +For the credit of Yuchovitch it must be recorded that my grandfather +never had to stay away from the synagogue for want of his one decent +coat to wear. His neighbor Isaac, the village money lender, never +refused to give up the pledged articles on a Sabbath eve, even if the +money due was not forthcoming. Many Sabbath coats besides my +grandfather's, and many candlesticks besides my grandmother's, passed +most of their existence under Isaac's roof, waiting to be redeemed. +But on the eve of Sabbath or holiday Isaac delivered them to their +respective owners, came they empty-handed or otherwise; and at the +expiration of the festival the grateful owners brought them promptly +back, for another season of retirement. + +While my grandfather was on the road, my grandmother conducted her +humble household in a capable, housewifely way. Of her six children, +three died young, leaving two daughters and an only son, my father. My +grandmother fed and dressed her children the best she could, and +taught them to thank God for what they had not as well as for what +they had. Piety was about the only positive doctrine she attempted to +drill them in, leaving the rest of their education to life and the +rebbe. + +Promptly when custom prescribed, Pinchus, the petted only son, was +sent to heder. My grandfather being on the road at the time, my +grandmother herself carried the boy in her arms, as was usual on the +first day. My father distinctly remembers that she wept on the way to +the heder; partly, I suppose, from joy at starting her son on a holy +life, and partly from sadness at being too poor to set forth the wine +and honey-cake proper to the occasion. For Grandma Rachel, schooled +though she was to pious contentment, probably had her moments of human +pettiness like the rest of us. + +My father distinguished himself for scholarship from the first. Five +years old when he entered heder, at eleven he was already a _yeshibah +bahur_--a student in the seminary. The rebbe never had occasion to use +the birch on him. On the contrary, he held him up as an example to the +dull or lazy pupils, praised him in the village, and carried his fame +to Polotzk. + +My grandmother's cup of pious joy was overfilled. Everything her boy +did was pleasant in her sight, for Pinchus was going to be a scholar, +a godly man, a credit to the memory of his renowned grandfather, +Israel Kimanyer. She let nothing interfere with his schooling. When +times were bad, and her husband came home with his goods unsold, she +borrowed and begged, till the rebbe's fee was produced. If bad luck +continued, she pleaded with the rebbe for time. She pawned not only +the candlesticks, but her shawl and Sabbath cap as well, to secure the +scant rations that gave the young scholar strength to study. More than +once in the bitter winter, as my father remembers, she carried him to +heder on her back, because he had no shoes; she herself walking +almost barefoot in the cruel snow. No sacrifice was too great for her +in the pious cause of her boy's education. And when there was no rebbe +in Yuchovitch learned enough to guide him in the advanced studies, my +father was sent to Polotzk, where he lived with his poor relations, +who were not too poor to help support a future rebbe or rav. In +Polotzk he continued to distinguish himself for scholarship, till +people began to prophesy that he would live to be famous; and +everybody who remembered Israel Kimanyer regarded the promising +grandson with double respect. + +At the age of fifteen my father was qualified to teach beginners in +Hebrew, and he was engaged as instructor in two families living six +versts apart in the country. The boy tutor had to make himself useful, +after lesson hours, by caring for the horse, hauling water from the +frozen pond, and lending a hand at everything. When the little sister +of one of his pupils died, in the middle of the winter, it fell to my +father's lot to take the body to the nearest Jewish cemetery, through +miles of desolate country, no living soul accompanying him. + +After one term of this, he tried to go on with his own studies, +sometimes in Yuchovitch, sometimes in Polotzk, as opportunity +dictated. He made the journey to Polotzk beside his father, jogging +along in the springless wagon on the rutty roads. He took a boy's +pleasure in the gypsy life, the green wood, and the summer storm; +while his father sat moody beside him, seeing nothing but the spavins +on the horse's hocks, and the mud in the road ahead. + +There is little else to tell of my father's boyhood, as most of his +time was spent in the schoolroom. Outside the schoolroom he was +conspicuous for high spirits in play, daring in mischief, and +independence in everything. But a boy's playtime was so short in +Yuchovitch, and his resources so limited, that even a lad of spirit +came to the edge of his premature manhood without a regret for his +nipped youth. So my father, at the age of sixteen and a half, lent a +willing ear to the cooing voice of the marriage broker. + +Indeed, it was high time for him to marry. His parents had kept him so +far, but they had two daughters to marry off, and not a groschen laid +by for their dowries. The cost of my father's schooling, as he +advanced, had mounted to seventeen rubles a term, and the poor rebbe +was seldom paid in full. Of course my father's scholarship was his +fortune--in time it would be his support; but in the meanwhile the +burden of feeding and clothing him lay heavy on his parents' +shoulders. The time had come to find him a well-to-do father-in-law, +who should support him and his wife and children, while he continued +to study in the seminary. + +After the usual conferences between parents and marriage brokers, my +father was betrothed to an undertaker's daughter in Polotzk. The girl +was too old,--every day of twenty years,--but three hundred rubles in +dowry, with board after marriage, not to mention handsome presents to +the bridegroom, easily offset the bride's age. My father's family, to +the humblest cousin, felt themselves set up by the match he had made; +and the boy was happy enough, displaying a watch and chain for the +first time in his life, and a good coat on week days. As for his +fiancée, he could have no objection to her, as he had seen her only at +a distance, and had never spoken to her. + +When it was time for the wedding preparations to begin, news came to +Yuchovitch of the death of the bride-elect, and my father's prospects +seemed fallen to the ground. But the undertaker had another daughter, +girl of thirteen, and he pressed my father to take her in her sister's +place. At the same time the marriage broker proposed another match; +and my father's poor cousins bristled with importance once more. + +Somehow or other my father succeeded in getting in a word at the +family councils that ensued; he even had the temerity to express a +strong preference. He did not want any more of the undertaker's +daughters; he wanted to consider the rival match. There were no +serious objections from the cousins, and my father became engaged to +my mother. + +This second choice was Hannah Hayye, only daughter of Raphael, called +the Russian. She had had a very different bringing-up from Pinchus, +the grandson of Israel Kimanyer. She had never known a day of want; +had never gone barefoot from necessity. The family had a solid +position in Polotzk, her father being the owner of a comfortable home +and a good business. + +Prosperity is prosaic, so I shall skip briefly over the history of my +mother's house. + +My grandfather Raphael, early left an orphan, was brought up by an +elder brother, in a village at no great distance from Polotzk. The +brother dutifully sent him to heder, and at an early age betrothed him +to Deborah, daughter of one Solomon, a dealer in grain and cattle. +Deborah was not yet in her teens at the time of the betrothal, and so +foolish was she that she was afraid of her affianced husband. One day, +when she was coming from the store with a bottle of liquid yeast, she +suddenly came face to face with her betrothed, which gave her such a +fright that she dropped the bottle, spilling the yeast on her pretty +dress; and she ran home crying all the way. At thirteen she was +married, which had a good effect on her deportment. I hear no more of +her running away from her husband. + +Among the interesting things belonging to my grandmother, besides her +dowry, at the time of the marriage, was her family. Her father was so +original that he kept a tutor for his daughters--sons he had none--and +allowed them to be instructed in the rudiments of three or four +languages and the elements of arithmetic. Even more unconventional was +her sister Hode. She had married a fiddler, who travelled constantly, +playing at hotels and inns, all through "far Russia." Having no +children, she ought to have spent her days in fasting and praying and +lamenting. Instead of this, she accompanied her husband on his +travels, and even had a heart to enjoy the excitement and variety of +their restless life. I should be the last to blame my great-aunt, for +the irregularity of her conduct afforded my grandfather the opening +for his career, the fruits of which made my childhood so pleasant. For +several years my grandfather travelled in Hode's train, in the +capacity of shohat providing kosher meat for the little troup in the +unholy wilds of "far Russia"; and the grateful couple rewarded him so +generously that he soon had a fortune of eighty rubles laid by. + +My grandfather thought the time had now come to settle down, but he +did not know how to invest his wealth. To resolve his perplexity, he +made a pilgrimage to the Rebbe of Kopistch, who advised him to open a +store in Polotzk, and gave him a blessed groschen to keep in the money +drawer for good luck. + +The blessing of the "good Jew" proved fruitful. My grandfather's +business prospered, and my grandmother bore him children, several sons +and one daughter. The sons were sent to heder, like all respectable +boys; and they were taught, in addition, writing and arithmetic, +enough for conducting a business. With this my grandfather was +content; more than this he considered incompatible with piety. He was +one of those who strenuously opposed the influence of the public +school, and bribed the government officials to keep their children's +names off the register of schoolboys, as we have already seen. When he +sent his sons to a private tutor, where they could study Russian with +their hats on, he felt, no doubt, that he was giving them all the +education necessary to a successful business career, without violating +piety too grossly. + +If reading and writing were enough for the sons, even less would +suffice the daughter. A female teacher was engaged for my mother, at +three kopecks a week, to teach her the Hebrew prayers; and my +grandmother, herself a better scholar than the teacher, taught her +writing in addition. My mother was quick to learn, and expressed an +ambition to study Russian. She teased and coaxed, and her mother +pleaded for her, till my grandfather was persuaded to send her to a +tutor. But the fates were opposed to my mother's education. On the +first day at school, a sudden inflammation of the eyes blinded my +mother temporarily, and although the distemper vanished as suddenly as +it had appeared, it was taken as an omen, and my mother was not +allowed to return to her lessons. + +Still she did not give up. She saved up every groschen that was given +her to buy sweets, and bribed her brother Solomon, who was proud of +his scholarship, to give her lessons in secret. The two strove +earnestly with book and quill, in their hiding-place under the +rafters, till my mother could read and write Russian, and translate a +simple passage of Hebrew. + +My grandmother, although herself a good housewife, took no pains to +teach her only daughter the domestic arts. She only petted and coddled +her and sent her out to play. But my mother was as ambitious about +housework as about books. She coaxed the housemaid to let her mix the +bread. She learned knitting from watching her playmates. She was +healthy and active, quick at everything, and restless with unspent +energy. Therefore she was quite willing, at the age of ten, to go into +her father's business as his chief assistant. + +As the years went by she developed a decided talent for business, so +that her father could safely leave all his affairs in her hands if he +had to go out of town. Her devotion, ability, and tireless energy made +her, in time, indispensable. My grandfather was obliged to admit that +the little learning she had stolen was turned to good account, when he +saw how well she could keep his books, and how smoothly she got along +with Russian and Polish customers. Perhaps that was the argument that +induced him, after obstinate years, to remove his veto from my +mother's petitions and let her take up lessons again. For while piety +was my grandfather's chief concern on the godly side, on the worldly +side he set success in business above everything. + +My mother was fifteen years old when she entered on a career of higher +education. For two hours daily she was released from the store, and in +that interval she strove with might and main to conquer the world +of knowledge. Katrina Petrovna, her teacher, praised and encouraged +her; and there was no reason why the promising pupil should not have +developed into a young lady of culture, with Madame teaching Russian, +German, crocheting, and singing--yes, out of a book, to the +accompaniment of a clavier--all for a fee of seventy-five kopecks a +week. + + [Illustration: THE WOOD MARKET, POLOTZK] + +Did I say there was no reason? And what about the marriage broker? +Hannah Hayye, the only daughter of Raphael the Russian, going on +sixteen, buxom, bright, capable, and well educated, could not escape +the eye of the shadchan. A fine thing it would be to let such a likely +girl grow old over a book! To the canopy with her, while she could +fetch the highest price in the marriage market! + +My mother was very unwilling to think of marriage at this time. She +had nothing to gain by marriage, for already she had everything that +she desired, especially since she was permitted to study. While her +father was rather stern, her mother spoiled and petted her; and she +was the idol of her aunt Hode, the fiddler's wife. + +Hode had bought a fine estate in Polotzk, after my grandfather settled +there, and made it her home whenever she became tired of travelling. +She lived in state, with many servants and dependents, wearing silk +dresses on week days, and setting silver plate before the meanest +guest. The women of Polotzk were breathless over her wardrobe, +counting up how many pairs of embroidered boots she had, at fifteen +rubles a pair. And Hode's manners were as much a subject of gossip as +her clothes, for she had picked up strange ways in her travels +Although she was so pious that she was never tempted to eat trefah, no +matter if she had to go hungry, her conduct in other respects was not +strictly orthodox. For one thing, she was in the habit of shaking +hands with men, looking them straight in the face. She spoke Russian +like a Gentile, she kept a poodle, and she had no children. + +Nobody meant to blame the rich woman for being childless, because it +was well known in Polotzk that Hode the Russian, as she was called, +would have given all her wealth for one scrawny baby. But she was to +blame for voluntarily exiling herself from Jewish society for years at +a time, to live among pork-eaters, and copy the bold ways of Gentile +women. And so while they pitied her childlessness, the women of +Polotzk regarded her misfortune as perhaps no more than a due +punishment. + +Hode, poor woman, felt a hungry heart beneath her satin robes. She +wanted to adopt one of my grandmother's children, but my grandmother +would not hear of it. Hode was particularly taken with my mother, and +my grandmother, in compassion, loaned her the child for days at a +time; and those were happy days for both aunt and niece. Hode would +treat my mother to every delicacy in her sumptuous pantry, tell her +wonderful tales of life in distant parts, show her all her beautiful +dresses and jewels, and load her with presents. + +As my mother developed into girlhood, her aunt grew more and more +covetous of her. Following a secret plan, she adopted a boy from the +poorhouse, and brought him up with every advantage that money could +buy. My mother, on her visits, was thrown a great deal into this boy's +society, but she liked him less than the poodle. This grieved her +aunt, who cherished in her heart the hope that my mother would marry +her adopted son, and so become her daughter after all. And in order +to accustom her to think well of the match, Hode dinned the boy's name +in my mother's ears day and night, praising him and showing him off. +She would open her jewel boxes and take out the flashing diamonds, +heavy chains, and tinkling bracelets, dress my mother in them in front +of the mirror, telling her that they would all be hers--all her +own--when she became the bride of Mulke. + +My mother still describes the necklace of pearls and diamonds which +her aunt used to clasp around her plump throat, with a light in her +eyes that is reminiscent of girlish pleasure. But to all her aunt's +teasing references to the future, my mother answered with a giggle and +a shake of her black curls, and went on enjoying herself, thinking +that the day of judgment was very, very far away. But it swooped down +on her sooner than she expected--the momentous hour when she must +choose between the pearl necklace with Mulke and a penniless stranger +from Yuchovitch who was reputed to be a fine scholar. + +Mulke she would not have even if all the pearls in the ocean came with +him. The boy was stupid and unteachable, and of unspeakable origin. +Picked up from the dirty floor of the poorhouse, his father was +identified as the lazy porter who sometimes chopped a cord of wood for +my grandmother; and his sisters were slovenly housemaids scattered +through Polotzk. No, Mulke was not to be considered. But why consider +anybody? Why think of a _hossen_ at all, when she was so content? My +mother ran away every time the shadchan came, and she begged to be +left as she was, and cried, and invoked her mother's support. But her +mother, for the first time in her history, refused to take the +daughter's part. She joined the enemy--the family and the +shadchan--and my mother saw that she was doomed. + +Of course she submitted. What else could a dutiful daughter do, in +Polotzk? She submitted to being weighed, measured, and appraised +before her face, and resigned herself to what was to come. + +When that which was to come did come, she did not recognize it. She +was all alone in the store one day, when a beardless young man, in top +boots that wanted grease, and a coat too thin for the weather, came in +for a package of cigarettes. My mother climbed up on the counter, with +one foot on a shelf, to reach down the cigarettes. The customer gave +her the right change, and went out. And my mother never suspected that +that was the proposed hossen, who came to look her over and see if she +was likely to last. For my father considered himself a man of +experience now, this being his second match, and he was determined to +have a hand in this affair himself. + +No sooner was the hossen out of the store than his mother, also +unknown to the innocent storekeeper, came in for a pound of tallow +candles. She offered a torn bill in payment, and my mother accepted it +and gave change; showing that she was wise enough in money matters to +know that a torn bill was good currency. + +After the woman there shuffled in a poor man evidently from the +country, who, in a shy and yet challenging manner, asked for a package +of cheap tobacco. My mother produced the goods with her usual +dispatch, gave the correct change, and stood at attention for more +trade. + +Parents and son held a council around the corner, the object of their +espionage never dreaming that she had been put to a triple test and +not found wanting. But in the evening of the same day she was +enlightened. She was summoned to her elder brother's house, for a +conference on the subject of the proposed match, and there she found +the young man who had bought the cigarettes. For my mother's family, +if they forced her to marry, were willing to make her path easier by +letting her meet the hossen, convinced that she must be won over by +his good looks and learned conversation. + +It does not really matter how my mother felt, as she sat, with a +protecting niece in her lap, at one end of a long table, with the +hossen fidgeting at the other end. The marriage contract would be +written anyway, no matter what she thought of the hossen. And the +contract was duly written, in the presence of the assembled families +of both parties, after plenty of open discussion, in which everybody +except the prospective bride and groom had a voice. + +One voice in particular broke repeatedly into the consultations of the +parents and the shadchan, and that was the voice of Henne Rösel, one +of my father's numerous poor cousins. Henne Rösel was not unknown to +my mother. She often came to the store, to beg, under pretence of +borrowing, a little flour or sugar or a stick of cinnamon. On the +occasion of the betrothal she had arrived late, dressed in +indescribable odds and ends, with an artificial red flower stuck into +her frowzy wig. She pushed and elbowed her way to the middle of the +table, where the shadchan sat ready with paper and ink to take down +the articles of the contract. On every point she had some comment to +make, till a dispute arose over a note which my grandfather offered as +part of the dowry, the hossen's people insisting on cash. No one +insisted so loudly as the cousin with the red flower in her wig; and +when the other cousins seemed about to weaken and accept the note, +Red-Flower stood up and exhorted them to be firm, lest their flesh and +blood be cheated under their noses. The meddlesome cousin was silenced +at last, the contract was signed, the happiness of the engaged couple +was pledged in wine, the guests dispersed. And all this while my +mother had not opened her mouth, and my father had scarcely been +heard. + +That is the way my fate was sealed. It gives me a shudder of wonder to +think what a narrow escape I had; I came so near not being born at +all. If the beggarly cousin with the frowzy wig had prevailed upon her +family and broken off the match, then my mother would not have married +my father, and I should at this moment be an unborn possibility in a +philosopher's brain. It is right that I should pick my words most +carefully, and meditate over every comma, because I am describing +miracles too great for careless utterance. If I had died after my +first breath, my history would still be worth recording. For before I +could lie on my mother's breast, the earth had to be prepared, and the +stars had to take their places; a million races had to die, testing +the laws of life; and a boy and girl had to be bound for life to watch +together for my coming. I was millions of years on the way, and I came +through the seas of chance, over the fiery mountain of law, by the +zigzag path of human possibility. Multitudes were pushed back into the +abyss of non-existence, that I should have way to creep into being. +And at the last, when I stood at the gate of life, a weazen-faced +fishwife, who had not wit enough to support herself, came near +shutting me out. + +Such creatures of accident are we, liable to a thousand deaths before +we are born. But once we are here, we may create our own world, if we +choose. Since I have stood on my own feet, I have never met my master. +For every time I choose a friend I determine my fate anew. I can think +of no cataclysm that could have the force to move me from my path. +Fire or flood or the envy of men may tear the roof off my house, but +my soul would still be at home under the lofty mountain pines that dip +their heads in star dust. Even life, that was so difficult to attain, +may serve me merely as a wayside inn, if I choose to go on eternally. +However I came here, it is mine to be. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +DAILY BREAD + + +My mother ought to have been happy in her engagement. Everybody +congratulated her on securing such a scholar, her parents loaded her +with presents, and her friends envied her. It is true that the +hossen's family consisted entirely of poor relations; there was not +one solid householder among them. From the worldly point of view my +mother made a mésalliance. But as one of my aunts put it, when my +mother objected to the association with the undesirable cousins, she +could take out the cow and set fire to the barn; meaning that she +could rejoice in the hossen and disregard his family. + +The hossen, on his part, had reason to rejoice, without any +reservations. He was going into a highly respectable family, with a +name supported by property and business standing. The promised dowry +was considerable, the presents were generous, the trousseau would be +liberal, and the bride was fair and capable. The bridegroom would have +years before him in which he need do nothing but eat free board, wear +his new clothes, and study Torah; and his poor relations could hold up +their heads at the market stalls, and in the rear pews in the +synagogue. + +My mother's trousseau was all that a mother-in-law could wish. The +best tailor in Polotzk was engaged to make the cloaks and gowns, and +his shop was filled to bursting with ample lengths of velvet and satin +and silk. The wedding gown alone cost every kopeck of fifty rubles, +as the tailor's wife reported all over Polotzk. The lingerie was of +the best, and the seamstress was engaged on it for many weeks. +Featherbeds, linen, household goods of every sort--everything was +provided in abundance. My mother crocheted many yards of lace to trim +the best sheets, and fine silk coverlets adorned the plump beds. Many +a marriageable maiden who came to view the trousseau went home to +prink and blush and watch for the shadchan. + +The wedding was memorable for gayety and splendor. The guests included +some of the finest people in Polotzk; for while my grandfather was not +quite at the top of the social scale, he had business connections with +those that were, and they all turned out for the wedding of his only +daughter, the men in silk frock coats, the women in all their jewelry. + +The bridegroom's aunts and cousins came in full force. Wedding +messengers had been sent to every person who could possibly claim +relationship with the hossen. My mother's parents were too generous to +slight the lowliest. Instead of burning the barn, they did all they +could to garnish it. One or two of the more important of the poor +relations came to the wedding in gowns paid for by my rich +grandfather. The rest came decked out in borrowed finery, or in +undisguised shabbiness. But nobody thought of staying away--except the +obstructive cousin who had nearly prevented the match. + +When it was time to conduct the bride to the wedding canopy, the +bridegroom's mother missed Henne Rösel. The house was searched for +her, but in vain. Nobody had seen her. But my grandmother could not +bear to have the marriage solemnized in the absence of a first +cousin. Such a wedding as this was not likely to be repeated in her +family; it would be a great pity if any of the relatives missed it. So +she petitioned the principals to delay the ceremony, while she herself +went in search of the missing cousin. + +Clear over to the farthest end of the town she walked, lifting her +gala dress well above her ankles. She found Henne Rösel in her untidy +kitchen, sound in every limb but sulky in spirit. My grandmother +exclaimed at her conduct, and bade her hurry with her toilet, and +accompany her; the wedding guests were waiting; the bride was faint +from prolonging her fast. But Henne Rösel flatly refused to go; the +bride might remain an old maid, for all she, Henne Rösel, cared about +the wedding. My troubled grandmother expostulated, questioned her, +till she drew out the root of the cousin's sulkiness. Henne Rösel +complained that she had not been properly invited. The wedding +messenger had come,--oh, yes!--but she had not addressed her as +flatteringly, as respectfully as she had been heard to address the +wife of Yohem, the money-lender. And Henne Rösel wasn't going to any +weddings where she was not wanted. My grandmother had a struggle of +it, but she succeeded in soothing the sensitive cousin, who consented +at length to don her best dress and go to the wedding. + +While my grandmother labored with Henne Rösel, the bride sat in state +in her father's house under the hill, the maidens danced, and the +matrons fanned themselves, while the fiddlers and _zimblers_ scraped +and tinkled. But as the hours went by, the matrons became restless and +the dancers wearied. The poor relations grew impatient for the feast, +and the babies in their laps began to fidget and cry; while the bride +grew faint, and the bridegroom's party began to send frequent +messengers from the house next door, demanding to know the cause of +the delay. Some of the guests at last lost all patience, and begged +leave to go home. But before they went they deposited the wedding +presents in the bride's satin lap, till she resembled a heathen image +hung about with offerings. + +My mother, after thirty years of bustling life, retains a lively +memory of the embarrassment she suffered while waiting for the arrival +of the troublesome cousin. When that important dame at last appeared, +with her chin in the air, the artificial flower still stuck +belligerently into her dusty wig, and my grandmother beaming behind +her, the bride's heart fairly jumped with anger, and the red blood of +indignation set her cheeks afire. No wonder that she speaks the name +of the Red-Flower with an unloving accent to this day, although she +has forgiven the enemies who did her greater wrong. The bride is a +princess on her wedding day. To put upon her an indignity is an +unpardonable offense. + +After the feasting and dancing, which lasted a whole week, the wedding +presents were locked up, the bride, with her hair discreetly covered, +returned to her father's store, and the groom, with his new +praying-shawl, repaired to the synagogue. This was all according to +the marriage bargain, which implied that my father was to study and +pray and fill the house with the spirit of piety, in return for board +and lodging and the devotion of his wife and her entire family. + +All the parties concerned had entered into this bargain in good faith, +so far as they knew their own minds. But the eighteen-year-old +bridegroom, before many months had passed, began to realize that he +felt no such hunger for the word of the Law as he was supposed to +feel. He felt, rather, a hunger for life that all his studying did not +satisfy. He was not trained enough to analyze his own thoughts to any +purpose; he was not experienced enough to understand where his +thoughts were leading him. He only knew that he felt no call to pray +and fast that the Torah did not inspire him, and his days were blank. +The life he was expected to lead grew distasteful to him, and yet he +knew no other way to live. He became lax in his attendance at the +synagogue, incurring the reproach of the family. It began to be +rumored among the studious that the son-in-law of Raphael the Russian +was not devoting himself to the sacred books with any degree of +enthusiasm. It was well known that he had a good mind, but evidently +the spirit was lacking. My grandparents went from surprise to +indignation, from exhortation they passed to recrimination. Before my +parents had been married half a year, my grandfather's house was +divided against itself and my mother was torn between the two +factions. For while she sympathized with her parents, and felt +personally cheated by my father's lack of piety, she thought it was +her duty to take her husband's part, even against her parents, in +their own house. My mother was one of those women who always obey the +highest law they know, even though it leads them to their doom. + +How did it happen that my father, who from his early boyhood had been +pointed out as a scholar in embryo, failed to live up to the +expectations of his world? It happened as it happened that his hair +curled over his high forehead: he was made that way. If people were +disappointed, it was because they had based their expectations on a +misconception of his character, for my father had never had any +aspirations for extreme piety. Piety was imputed to him by his mother, +by his rebbe, by his neighbors, when they saw that he rendered the +sacred word more intelligently than his fellow students. It was not +his fault that his people confused scholarship with religious ardor. +Having a good mind, he was glad to exercise it; and being given only +one subject to study he was bound to make rapid progress in that. If +he had ever been offered a choice between a religious and a secular +education, his friends would have found out early that he was not born +to be a rav. But as he had no mental opening except through the +hedder, he went on from year to year winning new distinction in Hebrew +scholarship; with the result that witnesses with preconceived ideas +began to see the halo of piety playing around his head, and a +well-to-do family was misled into making a match with him for the sake +of the glory that he was to attain. + +When it became evident that the son-in-law was not going to develop +into a rav, my grandfather notified him that he would have to assume +the support of his own family without delay. My father therefore +entered on a series of experiments with paying occupations, for none +of which he was qualified, and in none of which he succeeded +permanently. + +My mother was with my father, as equal partner and laborer, in +everything he attempted in Polotzk. They tried keeping a wayside inn, +but had to give it up because the life was too rough for my mother, +who was expecting her first baby. Returning to Polotzk they went to +storekeeping on their own account, but failed in this also, because my +father was inexperienced, and my mother, now with the baby to nurse, +was not able to give her best attention to business. Over two years +passed in this experiment, and in the interval the second child was +born, increasing my parents' need of a home and a reliable income. + +It was then decided that my father should seek his fortune elsewhere. +He travelled as far east as Tchistopol, on the Volga, and south as far +as Odessa, on the Black Sea, trying his luck at various occupations +within the usual Jewish restrictions. Finally he reached the position +of assistant superintendent in a distillery, with a salary of thirty +rubles a month. That was a fair income for those days, and he was +planning to have his family join him when my Grandfather Raphael died, +leaving my mother heir to a good business. My father thereupon +returned to Polotzk, after nearly three years' absence from home. + +As my mother had been trained to her business from childhood, while my +father had had only a little irregular experience, she naturally +remained the leader. She was as successful as her father before her. +The people continued to call her Raphael's Hannah Hayye, and under +that name she was greatly respected in the business world. Her eldest +brother was now a merchant of importance, and my mother's +establishment was gradually enlarged; so that, altogether, our family +had a solid position in Polotzk, and there were plenty to envy us. + +We were almost rich, as Polotzk counted riches in those days; +certainly we were considered well-to-do. We moved into a larger house, +where there was room for out-of-town customers to stay overnight, with +stabling for their horses. We lived as well as any people of our +class, and perhaps better, because my father had brought home with +him from his travels a taste for a more genial life than Polotzk +usually asked for. My mother kept a cook and a nursemaid, and a +dvornik, or outdoor man, to take care of the horses, the cow, and the +woodpile. All the year round we kept open house, as I remember. +Cousins and aunts were always about, and on holidays friends of all +degrees gathered in numbers. And coming and going in the wing set +apart for business guests were merchants, traders, country peddlers, +peasants, soldiers, and minor government officials. It was a full +house at all times, and especially so during fairs, and at the season +of the military draft. + +In the family wing there was also enough going on. There were four of +us children, besides father and mother and grandmother, and the +parasitic cousins. Fetchke was the eldest; I was the second; the third +was my only brother, named Joseph, for my father's father; and the +fourth was Deborah, named for my mother's mother. + +I suppose I ought to explain my own name also, especially because I am +going to emerge as the heroine by and by. Be it therefore known that I +was named Maryashe, for a bygone aunt. I was never called by my full +name, however. "Maryashe" was too dignified for me. I was always +"Mashinke," or else "Mashke," by way of diminutive. A variety of +nicknames, mostly suggested by my physical peculiarities, were +bestowed on me from time to time by my fond or foolish relatives. My +uncle Berl, for example, gave me the name of "Zukrochene Flum," which +I am not going to translate, because it is uncomplimentary. + +My sister Fetchke was always the good little girl, and when our +troubles began she was an important member of the family. What sort of +little girl I was will be written by and by. Joseph was the best +Jewish boy that ever was born, but he hated to go to heder, so he had +to be whipped, of course. Deborah was just a baby, and her principal +characteristic was single-mindedness. If she had teething to attend +to, she thought of nothing else day or night, and communicated with +the family on no other subject. If it was whooping-cough, she whooped +most heartily; if it was measles, she had them thick. + +It was the normal thing in Polotzk, where the mothers worked as well +as the fathers, for the children to be left in the hands of +grandmothers and nursemaids. I suffer reminiscent terrors when I +recall Deborah's nurse, who never opened her lips except to frighten +us children--or else to lie. That girl never told the truth if she +could help it. I know it is so because I heard her tell eleven or +twelve unnecessary lies every day. In the beginning of her residence +with us, I exposed her indignantly every time I caught her lying; but +the tenor of her private conversations with me was conducive to a +cessation of my activity along the line of volunteer testimony. In +shorter words, the nurse terrified me with horrid threats until I did +not dare to contradict her even if she lied her head off. The things +she promised me in this life and in the life to come could not be +executed by a person without imagination. The nurse gave almost her +entire attention to us older children, disposing easily of the baby's +claims. Deborah, unless she was teething or whoop-coughing, was a +quiet baby, and would lie for hours on the nurse's lap, sucking at a +"pacifier" made of bread and sugar tied up in a muslin rag, and +previously chewed to a pulp by the nurse. And while the baby sucked +the nurse told us things--things that we must remember when we went to +bed at night. + +A favorite subject of her discourse was the Evil One, who lived, so +she told us, in our attic, with his wife and brood. A pet amusement of +our invisible tenant was the translating of human babies into his +lair, leaving one of his own brats in the cradle; the moral of which +was that if nurse wanted to loaf in the yard and watch who went out +and who came in, we children must mind the baby. The girl was so sly +that she carried on all this tyranny without being detected, and we +lived in terror till she was discharged for stealing. + +In our grandmothers we were very fortunate: They spoiled us to our +hearts' content. Grandma Deborah's methods I know only from hearsay, +for I was very little when she died. Grandma Rachel I remember +distinctly, spare and trim and always busy. I recall her coming in +midwinter from the frozen village where she lived. I remember, as if +it were but last winter, the immense shawls and wraps which we unwound +from about her person, her voluminous brown sack coat in which there +was room for three of us at a time, and at last the tight clasp of her +long arms, and her fresh, cold cheeks on ours. And when the hugging +and kissing were over, Grandma had a treat for us. It was _talakno_, +or oat flour, which we mixed with cold water and ate raw, using wooden +spoons, just like the peasants, and smacking our lips over it in +imaginary enjoyment. + +But Grandma Rachel did not come to play. She applied herself +energetically to the housekeeping. She kept her bright eye on +everything, as if she were in her own trifling establishment in +Yuchovitch. Watchful was she as any cat--and harmless as a tame +rabbit. If she caught the maids at fault, she found an excuse for +them at the same time. If she was quite exasperated with the stupidity +of Yakub, the dvornik, she pretended to curse him in a phrase of her +own invention, a mixture of Hebrew and Russian, which, translated, +said, "Mayst thou have gold and silver in thy bosom"; but to the +choreman, who was not a linguist, the mongrel phrase conveyed a sense +of his delinquency. + +Grandma Rachel meant to be very strict with us children, and +accordingly was prompt to discipline us; but we discovered early in +our acquaintance with her that the child who got a spanking was sure +to get a hot cookie or the jam pot to lick, so we did not stand in +great awe of her punishments. Even if it came to a spanking it was +only a farce. Grandma generally interposed a pillow between the palm +of her hand and the area of moral stimulation. + +The real disciplinarian in our family was my father. Present or +absent, it was fear of his displeasure that kept us in the straight +and narrow path. In the minds of us children he was as much +represented, when away from home, by the strap hanging on the wall as +by his portrait which stood on a parlor table, in a gorgeous frame +adorned with little shells. Almost everybody's father had a strap, but +our father's strap was more formidable than the ordinary. For one +thing, it was more painful to encounter personally, because it was not +a simple strap, but a bunch of fine long strips, clinging as rubber. +My father called it noodles; and while his facetiousness was lost on +us children, the superior sting of his instrument was entirely +effective. + +In his leisure, my father found means of instructing us other than by +the strap. He took us walking and driving, answered our questions, and +taught us many little things that our playmates were not taught. +From distant parts of the country he had imported little tricks of +speech and conduct, which we learned readily enough; for we were +always a teachable lot. Our pretty manners were very much admired, so +that we became used to being held up as models to children less +polite. Guests at our table praised our deportment, when, at the end +of a meal, we kissed the hands of father and mother and thanked them +for food. Envious mothers of rowdy children used to sneer, "Those +grandchildren of Raphael the Russian are quite the aristocrats." + + [Illustration: MY FATHER'S PORTRAIT] + +And yet, off the stage, we had our little quarrels and tempests, +especially I. I really and truly cannot remember a time when Fetchke +was naughty, but I was oftener in trouble than out of it. I need not +go into details. I only need to recall how often, on going to bed, I +used to lie silently rehearsing the day's misdeeds, my sister +refraining from talk out of sympathy. As I always came to the +conclusion that I wanted to reform, I emerged from my reflections with +this solemn formula: "Fetchke, let us be good." And my generosity in +including my sister in my plans for salvation was equalled by her +magnanimity in assuming part of my degradation. She always replied, in +aspiration as eager as mine, "Yes, Mashke, let us be good." + +My mother had less to do than any one with our early training, because +she was confined to the store. When she came home at night, with her +pockets full of goodies for us, she was too hungry for our love to +listen to tales against us, too tired from work to discipline us. It +was only on Sabbaths and holidays that she had a chance to get +acquainted with us, and we all looked forward to these days of +enjoined rest. + +On Friday afternoons my parents came home early, to wash and dress and +remove from their persons every sign of labor. The great keys of the +store were put away out of sight; the money bag was hidden in the +featherbeds. My father put on his best coat and silk skull-cap; my +mother replaced the cotton kerchief by the well-brushed wig. We +children bustled around our parents, asking favors in the name of the +Sabbath--"Mama, let Fetchke and me wear our new shoes, in honor of +Sabbath"; or "Papa, will you take us to-morrow across the bridge? You +said you would, on Sabbath." And while we adorned ourselves in our +best, my grandmother superintended the sealing of the oven, the maids +washed the sweat from their faces, and the dvornik scraped his feet at +the door. + +My father and brother went to the synagogue, while we women and girls +assembled in the living-room for candle prayer. The table gleamed with +spotless linen and china. At my father's place lay the Sabbath loaf, +covered over with a crocheted doily; and beside it stood the wine +flask and _kiddush_ cup of gold or silver. At the opposite end of the +table was a long row of brass candlesticks, polished to perfection, +with the heavy silver candlesticks in a shorter row in front; for my +mother and grandmother were very pious, and each used a number of +candles; while Fetchke and I and the maids had one apiece. + +After the candle prayer the women generally read in some book of +devotion, while we children amused ourselves in the quietest manner, +till the men returned from synagogue. "Good Sabbath!" my father +called, as he entered; and "Good Sabbath! Good Sabbath!" we wished him +in return. If he brought with him a Sabbath guest from the synagogue, +some poor man without a home, the stranger was welcomed and invited +in, and placed in the seat of honor, next to my father. + +We all stood around the table while _kiddush_, or the blessing over +the wine, was said, and if a child whispered or nudged another my +father reproved him with a stern look, and began again from the +beginning. But as soon as he had cut the consecrated loaf, and +distributed the slices, we were at liberty to talk and ask questions, +unless a guest was present, when we maintained a polite silence. + +Of one Sabbath guest we were always sure, even if no destitute Jew +accompanied my father from the synagogue. Yakub the choreman partook +of the festival with us. He slept on a bunk built over the entrance +door, and reached by means of a rude flight of steps. There he liked +to roll on his straw and rags, whenever he was not busy, or felt +especially lazy. On Friday evenings he climbed to his roost very +early, before the family assembled for supper, and waited for his cue, +which was the breaking-out of table talk after the blessing of the +bread. Then Yakub began to clear his throat and kept on working at it +until my father called to him to come down and have a glass of vodka. +Sometimes my father pretended not to hear him, and we smiled at one +another around the table, while Yakub's throat grew worse and worse, +and he began to cough and mutter and rustle in his straw. Then my +father let him come down, and he shuffled in, and stood clutching his +cap with both hands, while my father poured him a brimming glass of +whiskey. This Yakub dedicated to all our healths, and tossed off to +his own comfort. If he got a slice of boiled fish after his glassful, +he gulped it down as a chicken gulps worms, smacked his lips +explosively, and wiped his fingers on his unkempt locks. Then, +thanking his master and mistress, and scraping and bowing, he backed +out of the room and ascended to his roost once more; and in less time +than it takes to write his name, the simple fellow was asleep, and +snoring the snore of the just. + +On Sabbath morning almost everybody went to synagogue, and those who +did not, read their prayers and devotions at home. Dinner, at midday, +was a pleasant and leisurely meal in our house. Between courses my +father led us in singing our favorite songs, sometimes Hebrew, +sometimes Yiddish, sometimes Russian, or some of the songs without +words for which the Hasidim were famous. In the afternoon we went +visiting, or else we took long walks out of town, where the fields +sprouted and the orchards waited to bloom. If we stayed at home, we +were not without company. Neighbors dropped in for a glass of tea. +Uncles and cousins came, and perhaps my brother's rebbe, to examine +his pupil in the hearing of the family. And wherever we spent the day, +the talk was pleasant, the faces were cheerful, and the joy of Sabbath +pervaded everything. + +The festivals were observed with all due pomp and circumstance in our +house. Passover was beautiful with shining new things all through the +house; _Purim_ was gay with feasting and presents and the jolly +mummers; _Succoth_ was a poem lived in a green arbor; New-Year +thrilled our hearts with its symbols and promises; and the Day of +Atonement moved even the laughing children to a longing for +consecration. The year, in our pious house, was an endless song in +many cantos of joy, lamentation, aspiration, and rhapsody. + +We children, while we regretted the passing of a festival, found +plenty to content us in the common days of the week. We had +everything we needed, and almost everything we wanted. We were +welcomed everywhere, petted and praised, abroad as well as at home. I +suppose no little girls with whom we played had a more comfortable +sense of being well-off than Fetchke and I. "Raphael the Russian's +grandchildren" people called us, as if referring to the quarterings in +our shield. It was very pleasant to wear fine clothes, to have kopecks +to spend at the fruit stalls, and to be pointed at admiringly. Some of +the little girls we went with were richer than we, but after all one's +mother can wear only one pair of earrings at a time, and our mother +had beautiful gold ones that hung down on her neck. + +As we grew older, my parents gave us more than physical comfort and +social standing to rejoice in. They gave us, or set out to give us, +education, which was less common than gold earrings in Polotzk. For +the ideal of a modern education was the priceless ware that my father +brought back with him from his travels in distant parts. His travels, +indeed, had been the making of my father. He had gone away from +Polotzk, in the first place, as a man unfit for the life he led, out +of harmony with his surroundings, at odds with his neighbors. Never +heartily devoted to the religious ideals of the Hebrew scholar, he was +more and more a dissenter as he matured, but he hardly knew what he +wanted to embrace in place of the ideals he rejected. The rigid scheme +of orthodox Jewish life in the Pale offered no opening to any other +mode of life. But in the large cities in the east and south he +discovered a new world, and found himself at home in it. The Jews +among whom he lived in those parts were faithful to the essence of the +religion, but they allowed themselves more latitude in practice and +observance than the people in Polotzk. Instead of bribing government +officials to relax the law of compulsory education for boys, these +people pushed in numbers at every open door of culture and +enlightenment. Even the girls were given books in Odessa and Kherson, +as the rock to build their lives on, and not as an ornament for +idleness. My father's mind was ready for the reception of such ideas, +and he was inspired by the new view of the world which they afforded +him. + +When he returned to Polotzk he knew what had been wrong with his life +before, and he proceeded to remedy it. He resolved to live, as far as +the conditions of existence in Polotzk permitted, the life of a modern +man. And he saw no better place to begin than with the education of +the children. Outwardly he must conform to the ways of his neighbors, +just as he must pay tribute to the policeman on the beat; for standing +room is necessary to all operations, and social ostracism could ruin +him as easily as police persecution. His children, if he started them +right, would not have to bow to the yoke as low as he; his children's +children might even be free men. And education was the one means to +redemption. + +Fetchke and I were started with a rebbe, in the orthodox way, but we +were taught to translate as well as read Hebrew, and we had a secular +teacher besides. My sister and I were very diligent pupils, and my +father took great satisfaction in our progress and built great plans +for our higher education. + +My brother, who was five years old when he entered heder, hated to be +shut up all day over a printed page that meant nothing to him. He +cried and protested, but my father was determined that he should not +grow up ignorant, so he used the strap freely to hasten the truant's +steps to school. The heder was the only beginning allowable for a boy +in Polotzk, and to heder Joseph must go. So the poor boy's life was +made a nightmare, and the horror was not lifted until he was ten years +old, when he went to a modern school where intelligible things were +taught, and it proved that it was not the book he hated, but the +blindness of the heder. + +For a number of peaceful years after my father's return from "far +Russia," we led a wholesome life of comfort, contentment, and faith in +to-morrow. Everything prospered, and we children grew in the sun. My +mother was one with my father in all his plans for us. Although she +had spent her young years in the pursuit of the ruble, it was more to +her that our teacher praised us than that she had made a good bargain +with a tea merchant. Fetchke and Joseph and I, and Deborah, when she +grew up, had some prospects even in Polotzk, with our parents' hearts +set on the highest things; but we were destined to seek our fortunes +in a world which even my father did not dream of when he settled down +to business in Polotzk. + +Just when he felt himself safe and strong, a long series of troubles +set in to harass us, and in a few years' time we were reduced to a +state of helpless poverty, in which there was no room to think of +anything but bread. My father became seriously ill, and spent large +sums on cures that did not cure him. While he was still an invalid, my +mother also became ill and kept her bed for the better part of two +years. When she got up, it was only to lapse again. Some of us +children also fell ill, so that at one period the house was a +hospital. And while my parents were incapacitated, the business was +ruined through bad management, until a day came when there was not +enough money in the cash drawer to pay the doctor's bills. + +For some years after they got upon their feet again, my parents +struggled to regain their place in the business world, but failed to +do so. My father had another period of experimenting with this or that +business, like his earlier experience. But everything went wrong, till +at last he made a great resolve to begin life all over again. And the +way to do that was to start on a new soil. My father determined to +emigrate to America. + +I have now told who I am, what my people were, how I began life, and +why I was brought to a new home. Up to this point I have borrowed the +recollections of my parents, to piece out my own fragmentary +reminiscences. But from now on I propose to be my own pilot across the +seas of memory; and if I lose myself in the mists of uncertainty, or +run aground on the reefs of speculation, I still hope to make port at +last, and I shall look for welcoming faces on the shore. For the ship +I sail in is history, and facts will kindle my beacon fires. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +I REMEMBER + + +My father and mother could tell me much more that I have forgotten, or +that I never was aware of; but I want to reconstruct my childhood from +those broken recollections only which, recurring to me in after years, +filled me with the pain and wonder of remembrance. I want to string +together those glimpses of my earliest days that dangle in my mind, +like little lanterns in the crooked alleys of the past, and show me an +elusive little figure that is myself, and yet so much a stranger to +me, that I often ask, Can this be I? + +I have not much faith in the reality of my first recollection, but as +I can never go back over the past without bringing up at last at this +sombre little scene, as at a door beyond which I cannot pass, I must +put it down for what it is worth in the scheme of my memories. I see, +then, an empty, darkened room. In the middle, on the floor, lies a +long Shape, covered with some black stuff. There are candles at the +head of the Shape. Dim figures are seated low, against the walls, +swaying to and fro. No sound is in the room, except a moan or a sigh +from the shadowy figures; but a child is walking softly around and +around the Shape on the floor, in quiet curiosity. + +The Shape is the body of my grandfather laid out for burial. The child +is myself--myself asking questions of Death. + +I was four years old when my mother's father died. Do I really +remember the little scene? Perhaps I heard it described by some fond +relative, as I heard other anecdotes of my infancy, and unconsciously +incorporated it with my genuine recollections. It is so suitable a +scene for a beginning: the darkness, the mystery, the impenetrability. +My share in it, too, is characteristic enough, if I really studied +that Shape by the lighted candles, as I have always pretended to +myself. So often afterwards I find myself forgetting the conventional +meanings of things, in some search for a meaning of my own. It is more +likely, however, that I took no intellectual interest in my +grandfather's remains at the time, but later on, when I sought for a +First Recollection, perhaps, elaborated the scene, and my part in it, +to something that satisfied my sense of dramatic fitness. If I really +committed such a fraud, I am now well punished, by being obliged, at +the very start, to discredit the authenticity of my memoirs. + +The abode of our childhood, if not revisited in later years, is apt to +loom in our imagination as a vast edifice with immense chambers in +which our little self seems lost. Somehow I have failed of this +illusion. My grandfather's house, where I was born, stands, in my +memory, a small, one-story wooden building, whose chimneys touch the +sky at the same level as its neighbors' chimneys. Such as it was, the +house stood even with the sidewalk, but the yard was screened from the +street by a board fence, outside which I am sure there was a bench. +The gate into the yard swung so high from the ground that four-footed +visitors did not have to wait till it was opened. Pigs found their way +in, and were shown the way out, under the gate; grunting on their +arrival, but squealing on their departure. + + [Illustration: MY GRANDFATHER'S HOUSE, WHERE I WAS BORN] + +Of the interior of the house I remember only one room, and not so much +the room as the window, which had a blue sash curtain, and beyond the +curtain a view of a narrow, walled garden, where deep-red dahlias +grew. The garden belonged to the house adjoining my grandfather's, +where lived the Gentile girl who was kind to me. + +Concerning my dahlias I have been told that they were not dahlias at +all, but poppies. As a conscientious historian I am bound to record +every rumor, but I retain the right to cling to my own impression. +Indeed, I must insist on my dahlias, if I am to preserve the garden at +all. I have so long believed in them, that if I try to see _poppies_ +in those red masses over the wall, the whole garden crumbles away, and +leaves me a gray blank. I have nothing against poppies. It is only +that my illusion is more real to me than reality. And so do we often +build our world on an error, and cry out that the universe is falling +to pieces, if any one but lift a finger to replace the error by truth. + +Ours was a quiet neighborhood. Across the narrow street was the +orderly front of the Korpus, or military academy, with straight rows +of unshuttered windows. It was an imposing edifice in the eyes of us +all, because it was built of brick, and was several stories high. At +one of the windows I pretend I remember seeing a tailor mending the +uniforms of the cadets. I knew the uniforms, and I knew, in later +years, the man who had been the tailor; but I am not sure that he did +not emigrate to America, there to seek his fortune in a candy shop, +and his happiness in a family of triplets, twins, and even odds, long +before I was old enough to toddle as far as the gate. + +Behind my grandfather's house was a low hill, which I do _not_ +remember as a mountain. Perhaps it was only a hump in the ground. This +eminence, of whatever stature, was a part of the Vall, a longer and +higher ridge on the top of which was a promenade, and which was said +to be the burying-ground of Napoleonic soldiers. This historic rumor +meant very little to me, for I never knew what Napoleon was. + +It was not my way to accept unchallenged every superstition that came +to my ears. Among the wild flowers that grew on the grassy slopes of +the Vall, there was a small daisy, popularly called "blind flower," +because it was supposed to cause blindness in rash children who picked +it. I was rash, if I was awake; and I picked "blind flowers" behind +the house, handfuls of them, and enjoyed my eyesight unimpaired. If my +faith in nursery lore was shaken by this experience, I kept my +discovery to myself, and did not undertake to enlighten my playmates. +I find other instances, later on, of the curious fact that I was +content with _finding out_ for myself. It is curious to me because I +am not so reticent now. When I discover anything, if only a new tint +in the red sunset, I must publish the fact to all my friends. Is it +possible that in my childish reflections I recognized the fact that +ours was a secretive atmosphere, where knowledge was for the few, and +wisdom was sometimes a capital offence? + +In the summer-time I lived outdoors considerably. I found many +occasions to visit my mother in the store, which gave me a long walk. +If my errand was not pressing--or perhaps even if it was--I made a +long stop on the Platz, especially if I had a companion with me. The +Platz was a rectangular space in the centre of a roomy square, with a +shady promenade around its level lawn. The Korpus faced on the Platz, +which was its drill ground. Around the square were grouped the fine +residences of the officers of the Korpus, with a great white church +occupying one side. These buildings had a fearful interest for me, +especially the church, as the dwellings and sanctuary of the enemy; +but on the Platz I was not afraid to play and seek adventures. I loved +to watch the cadets drill and play ball, or pass them close as they +promenaded, two and two, looking so perfect in white trousers and +jackets and visored caps. I loved to run with my playmates and lay out +all sorts of geometric figures on the four straight sides of the +promenade; patterns of infinite variety, traceable only by a pair of +tireless feet. If one got so wild with play as to forget all fear, one +could swing, until chased away by the guard, on the heavy chain +festoons that encircled the monument at one side of the square. This +was the only monument in Polotzk, dedicated I never knew to whom or +what. It was the monument, as the sky was the sky, and the earth, +earth: the only phenomenon of its kind, mysterious, unquestionable. + +It was not far from the limits of Polotzk to the fields and woods. My +father was fond of taking us children for a long walk on a Sabbath +afternoon. I have little pictures in my mind of places where we went, +though I doubt if they could be found from my descriptions. I try in +vain to conjure up a panoramic view of the neighborhood. Even when I +stood on the apex of the Vall, and saw the level country spread in all +directions, my inexperienced eyes failed to give me the picture of the +whole. I saw the houses in the streets below, all going to market. The +highroads wandered out into the country, and disappeared in the sunny +distance, where the edge of the earth and the edge of the sky fitted +together, like a jewel box with the lid ajar. In these things I saw +what a child always sees: the unrelated fragments of a vast, +mysterious world. But although my geography may be vague, and the +scenes I remember as the pieces of a paper puzzle, still my breath +catches as I replace this bit or that, and coax the edges to fit +together. I am obstinately positive of some points, and for the rest, +you may amend the puzzle if you can. You may make a survey of Polotzk +ever so accurate, and show me where I was wrong; still I am the better +guide. You may show that my adventureful road led nowhere, but I can +prove, by the quickening of my pulse and the throbbing of my rapid +recollections, that _things happened to me_ there or here; and I shall +be believed, not you. And so over the vague canvas of scenes half +remembered, half imagined, I draw the brush of recollection, and pick +out here a landmark, there a figure, and set my own feet back in the +old ways, and live over the old events. It is real enough, as by my +beating heart you might know. + +Sometimes my father took us out by the Long Road. There is no road in +the neighborhood of Polotzk by that name, but I know very well that +the way was long to my little feet; and long are the backward thoughts +that creep along it, like a sunbeam travelling with the day. + +The first landmark on the sunny, dusty road is the house of a peasant +acquaintance where we stopped for rest and a drink. I remember a cool +gray interior, a woman with her bosom uncovered pattering barefoot to +hand us the hospitable dipper, and a baby smothered in a deep cradle +which hung by ropes from the ceiling. Farther on, the empty road gave +us shadows of trees and rustlings of long grass. This, at least, is +what I imagine over the spaces where no certain object is. Then, I +know, we ran and played, and it was father himself who hid in the +corn, and we made havoc following after. Laughing, we ramble on, till +we hear the long, far whistle of a locomotive. The railroad track is +just visible over the field on the _left_ of the road; the cornfield, +I say, is on the _right_. We stand on tiptoe and wave our hands and +shout as the long train rushes by at a terrific speed, leaving its +pennon of smoke behind. + +The passing of the train thrilled me wonderfully. Where did it come +from, and whither did it fly, and how did it feel to be one of the +faces at the windows? If ever I dreamed of a world beyond Polotzk, it +must have been at those times, though I do not honestly remember. + +Somewhere out on that same Long Road is the place where we once +attended a wedding. I do not know who were married, or whether they +lived happily ever after; but I remember that when the dancers were +wearied, and we were all sated with goodies, day was dawning, and +several of the young people went out for a stroll in a grove near by. +They took me with them--who were they?--and they lost me. At any rate, +when they saw me again, I was a stranger. For I had sojourned, for an +immeasurable moment, in a world apart from theirs. I had witnessed my +first sunrise; I had watched the rosy morning tiptoe in among the +silver birches. And that grove stands on the _left_ side of the road. + +We had another stopping-place out in that direction. It was the place +where my mother sent her hundred and more house plants to be cared for +one season, because for some reason they could not fare well at home. +We children went to visit them once; and the memory of that is red and +white and purple. + +The Long Road went ever on and on; I remember no turns. But we turned +at last, when the sun was set and the breeze of evening blew; and +sometimes the first star came in and the Sabbath went out before we +reached home and supper. + +Another way out of town was by the bridge across the Polota. I recall +more than one excursion in that direction. Sometimes we made a large +party, annexing a few cousins and aunts for the day. At this moment I +feel a movement of affection for these relations who shared our +country adventures. I had forgotten what virtue there was in our +family; I do like people who can walk. In those days, it is likely +enough, I did not always walk on my own legs, for I was very little, +and not strong. I do not remember being carried, but if any of my big +uncles gave me a lift, I am sure I like them all the more for it. + +The Dvina River swallowed the Polota many times a day, yet the lesser +stream flooded the universe on one occasion. On the hither bank of +that stream, as you go from Polotzk, I should plant a flowering bush, +a lilac or a rose, in memory of the life that bloomed in me one day +that I was there. + +Leisurely we had strolled out of the peaceful town. It was early +spring, and the sky and the earth were two warm palms in which all +live things nestled. Little green leaves trembled on the trees, and +the green, green grass sparkled. We sat us down to rest a little above +the bridge; and life flowed in and out of us fully, freely, as the +river flowed and parted about the bridge piles. + +A market garden lay on the opposite slope, yellow-green with first +growth. In the long black furrows yet unsown a peasant pushed his +plow. I watched him go up and down, leaving a new black line on the +bank for every turn. Suddenly he began to sing, a rude plowman's song. +Only the melody reached me, but the meaning sprang up in my heart to +fit it--a song of the earth and the hopes of the earth. I sat a long +time listening, looking, tense with attention. I felt myself +discovering things. Something in me gasped for life, and lay still. I +was but a little body, and Life Universal had suddenly burst upon me. +For a moment I had my little hand on the Great Pulse, but my fingers +slipped, empty. For the space of a wild heartbeat I _knew_, and then I +was again a simple child, looking to my earthly senses for life. But +the sky had stretched for me, the earth had expanded; a greater life +had dawned in me. + +We are not born all at once, but by bits. The body first and the +spirit later; and the birth and growth of the spirit, in those who are +attentive to their own inner life, are slow and exceedingly painful. +Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth; we +ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth. Our souls +are scarred with the struggles of successive births, and the process +is recorded also by the wrinkles in our brains, by the lines in our +faces. Look at me and you will see that I have been born many times. +And my first self-birth happened, as I have told, that spring day of +my early springs. Therefore would I plant a rose on the green bank of +the Polota, there to bloom in token of eternal life. + +Eternal, divine life. This is a tale of immortal life. Should I be +sitting here, chattering of my infantile adventures, if I did not know +that I was speaking for thousands? Should you be sitting there, +attending to my chatter, while the world's work waits, if you did not +know that I spoke also for you? I might say "you" or "he" instead of +"I." Or I might be silent, while you spoke for me and the rest, but +for the accident that I was born with a pen in my hand, and you +without. We love to read the lives of the great, yet what a broken +history of mankind they give, unless supplemented by the lives of the +humble. But while the great can speak for themselves, or by the +tongues of their admirers, the humble are apt to live inarticulate and +die unheard. It is well that now and then one is born among the simple +with a taste for self-revelation. The man or woman thus endowed must +speak, will speak, though there are only the grasses in the field to +hear, and none but the wind to carry the tale. + + * * * * * + +It is fun to run over the bridge, with a clatter of stout little shoes +on resounding timbers. We pass a walled orchard on the right, and +remind each other of the fruit we enjoyed here last summer. Our next +stopping-place is farther on, beyond the wayside inn where lives the +idiot boy who gave me such a scare last time. It is a poor enough +place, where we stop, but there is an ice house, the only one I know. +We are allowed to go in and see the greenish masses of ice gleaming in +the half-light, and bring out jars of sweet, black "lager beer," which +we drink in the sunny doorway. I shall always remember the flavor of +the stuff, and the smell, and the wonder and chill of the ice house. + +I vaguely remember something about a convent out in that direction, +but I was tired and sleepy after my long walk, and glad to be +returning home. I hope they carried me a bit of the way, for I was +very tired. There were stars out before we reached home, and the men +stopped in the middle of the street to bless the new moon. + +It is pleasant to recall how we went bathing in the Polota. On Friday +afternoons in summer, when the week's work was done, and the houses of +the good housewives stood shining with cleanliness, ready for the +Sabbath, parties of women and girls went chattering and laughing down +to the river bank. There was a particular spot which belonged to the +women. I do not know where the men bathed, but our part of the river +was just above Bonderoff's gristmill. I can see the green bank sloping +to the water, and the still water sliding down to the sudden swirl and +spray of the mill race. + +The woods on the bank screened the bathers. Bathing costumes were +simply absent, which caused the mermaids no embarrassment, for they +were accustomed to see each other naked in the public hot baths. They +had little fear of intrusion, for the spot was sacred to them. They +splashed about and laughed and played tricks, with streaming hair and +free gestures. I do not know when I saw the girls play as they did in +the water. It was a pretty picture, but the bathers would have been +shocked beyond your understanding if you had suggested that naked +women might be put into a picture. If it ever happened, as it happened +at least once for me to remember, that their privacy was outraged, the +bathers were thrown into a panic as if their very lives were +threatened. Screaming, they huddled together, low in the water, some +hiding their eyes in their hands, with the instinct of the ostrich. +Some ran for their clothes on the bank, and stood shrinking behind +some inadequate rag. The more spirited of the naiads threw pebbles at +the cowardly intruders, who, safe behind the leafy cover that was +meant to shield modesty, threw jeers and mockery in return. But the +Gentile boys ran away soon, or ran away punished. A chemise and a +petticoat turn a frightened woman into an Amazon in such +circumstances; and woe to the impudent wretch who lingered after the +avengers plunged into the thicket. Slaps and cuffs at close range were +his portion, and curses pursued him in retreat. + +Among the liveliest of my memories are those of eating and drinking; +and I would sooner give up some of my delightful remembered walks, +green trees, cool skies, and all, than to lose my images of suppers +eaten on Sabbath evenings at the end of those walks. I make no apology +to the spiritually minded, to whom this statement must be a revelation +of grossness. I am content to tell the truth as well as I am able. I +do not even need to console myself with the reflection that what is +dross to the dreamy ascetic may be gold to the psychologist. The fact +is that I ate, even as a delicate child, with considerable relish; and +I remember eating with a relish still keener. Why, I can dream away a +half-hour on the immortal flavor of those thick cheese cakes we used +to have on Saturday night. I am no cook, so I cannot tell you how to +make such cake. I might borrow the recipe from my mother, but I would +rather you should take my word for the excellence of Polotzk cheese +cakes. If you should attempt that pastry, I am certain, be you ever so +clever a cook, you would be disappointed by the result; and hence you +might be led to mistrust my reflections and conclusions. You have +nothing in your kitchen cupboard to give the pastry its notable +flavor. It takes history to make such a cake. First, you must eat it +as a ravenous child, in memorable twilights, before the lighting of +the week-day lamp. Then you must have yourself removed from the house +of your simple feast, across the oceans, to a land where your +cherished pastry is unknown even by name; and where daylight and +twilight, work day and fête day, for years rush by you in the unbroken +tide of a strange, new, overfull life. You must abstain from the +inimitable morsel for a period of years,--I think fifteen is the magic +number,--and then suddenly, one day, rub the Aladdin's lamp of memory, +and have the renowned tidbit whisked upon your platter, garnished with +a hundred sweet herbs of past association. + +Do you think all your imported spices, all your scientific blending +and manipulating, could produce so fragrant a morsel as that which I +have on my tongue as I write? Glad am I that my mother, in her +assiduous imitation of everything American, has forgotten the secrets +of Polotzk cookery. At any rate, she does not practise it, and I am +the richer in memories for her omissions. Polotzk cheese cake, as I +now know it, has in it the flavor of daisies and clover picked on the +Vall; the sweetness of Dvina water; the richness of newly turned earth +which I moulded with bare feet and hands; the ripeness of red cherries +bought by the dipperful in the market place; the fragrance of all my +childhood's summers. + +Abstinence, as I have mentioned, is one of the essential ingredients +in the phantom dish. I discovered this through a recent experience. It +was cherry time in the country, and the sight of the scarlet fruit +suddenly reminded me of a cherry season in Polotzk, I could not say +how many years ago. On that earlier occasion my Cousin Shimke, who, +like everybody else, was a storekeeper, had set a boy to watch her +store, and me to watch the boy, while she went home to make cherry +preserves. She gave us a basket of cherries for our trouble, and the +boy offered to eat them with the stones if I would give him my share. +But I was equal to that feat myself, so we sat down to a cherry-stone +contest. Who ate the most stones I could not remember as I stood under +the laden trees not long ago, but the transcendent flavor of the +historical cherries came back to me, and I needs must enjoy it once +more. + +I climbed into the lowest boughs and hung there, eating cherries with +the stones, my whole mind concentrated on the sense of taste. Alas! +the fruit had no such flavor to yield as I sought. Excellent American +cherries were these, but not so fragrantly sweet as my cousin's +cherries. And if I should return to Polotzk, and buy me a measure of +cherries at a market stall, and pay for it with a Russian groschen, +would the market woman be generous enough to throw in that haunting +flavor? I fear I should find that the old species of cherry is extinct +in Polotzk. + +Sometimes, when I am not trying to remember at all, I am more +fortunate in extracting the flavors of past feasts from my plain +American viands. I was eating strawberries the other day, ripe, red +American strawberries. Suddenly I experienced the very flavor and +aroma of some strawberries I ate perhaps twenty years ago. I started +as from a shock, and then sat still for I do not know how long, +breathless with amazement. In the brief interval of a gustatory +perception I became a child again, and I positively ached with the +pain of being so suddenly compressed to that small being. I wandered +about Polotzk once more, with large, questioning eyes; I rode the +Atlantic in an emigrant ship; I took possession of the New World, my +ears growing accustomed to a new language; I sat at the feet of +renowned professors, till my eyes contracted in dreaming over what +they taught; and there I was again, an American among Americans, +suddenly made aware of all that I had been, all that I had +become--suddenly illuminated, inspired by a complete vision of myself, +a daughter of Israel and a child of the universe, that taught me more +of the history of my race than ever my learned teachers could +understand. + +All this came to me in that instant of tasting, all from the flavor of +ripe strawberries on my tongue. Why, then, should I not treasure my +memories of childhood feasts? This experience gives me a great respect +for my bread and meat. I want to taste of as many viands as possible; +for when I sit down to a dish of porridge I am certain of rising again +a better animal, and I may rise a wiser man. I want to eat and drink +and be instructed. Some day I expect to extract from my pudding the +flavor of manna which I ate in the desert, and then I shall write you +a contemporaneous commentary on the Exodus. Nor do I despair of +remembering yet, over a dish of corn, the time when I fed on worms; +and then I may be able to recall how it felt to be made at last into a +man. Give me to eat and drink, for I crave wisdom. + + * * * * * + +My winters, while I was a very little girl, were passed in comparative +confinement. On account of my delicate health, my grandmother and +aunts deemed it wise to keep me indoors; or if I went out, I was so +heavily coated and mittened and shawled that the frost scarcely got a +chance at the tip of my nose. I never skated or coasted or built snow +houses. If I had any experience of snowballs, it was with those +thrown at me by the Gentile boys. The way I dodge a snowball to this +day makes me certain that I learned the act in my fearful childhood +days, when I learned so many cowardly tricks of bending to a blow. I +know that I was proud of myself when, not many years ago, I found I +was not afraid to stand up and catch a flying baseball; but the fear +of the snowball I have not conquered. When I turn a corner in snowball +days, the boys with bulging pockets see a head held high and a step +unquickened, but I know that I cringe inwardly; and this private +mortification I set down against old Polotzk, in my long score of +grievances and shames. Fear is a devil hard to cast out. + +Let me make the most of the winter adventures that I recall. First, +there was sleighing. We never kept horses of our own, but the horses +of our customer-guests were always at our disposal, and many a jolly +ride they gave us, with the dvornik at the reins, while their owners +haggled with my mother in the store about the price of soap. We had no +luxurious sleigh, with cushions and fur robes, no silver bells on our +harness. Ours was a bare sledge used for hauling wood, with a padding +of straw and burlap, and the reins, as likely as not, were a knotted +rope. But the horses did fly, over the river and up the opposite bank +if we chose; and whether we had bells or not, the merry, foolish heart +of Yakub would sing, and the whip would crack, and we children would +laugh; and the sport was as good as when, occasionally, we did ride in +a more splendid sleigh, loaned us by one of our prouder guests. We +were wholesome as apples to look at when we returned for bread and tea +in the dusk; at least I remember my sister, with cheeks as red as a +painted doll's under her close-clipped curls; and my little brother, +rosy, too, and aristocratic-looking enough, in his little greatcoat +tied with a red sash, and little fur cap with earlaps. For myself, I +suppose my nose was purple and my cheeks pinched, just as they are now +in the cold weather; but I had a good time. + +At certain--I mean uncertain--intervals we were bundled up and marched +to the public baths. This was so great an undertaking, consuming half +a day or so, and involving, in winter, such risk of catching cold, +that it is no wonder the ceremony was not practised oftener. + +The public baths were situated on the river bank. I always stopped +awhile outside, to visit the poor patient horse in the treadmill, by +means of which the water was pumped into the baths. I was not +sentimental about animals then. I had not read of "Black Beauty" or +any other personified monsters; I had not heard of any societies for +the prevention of cruelty to anything. But my pity stirred of its own +accord at the sight of that miserable brute in the treadmill. I was +used to seeing horses hard-worked and abused. This horse had no load +to make him sweat, and I never saw him whipped. Yet I pitied this +creature. Round and round his little circle he trod, with head hanging +and eyes void of expectation; round and round all day, unthrilled by +any touch of rein or bridle, interpreters of a living will; round and +round, all solitary, never driven, never checked, never addressed; +round and round and round, a walking machine, with eyes that did not +flash, with teeth that did not threaten, with hoofs that did not +strike; round and round the dull day long. I knew what a horse's life +should be, entangled with the life of a master: adventurous, troubled, +thrilled; petted and opposed, loved and abused; to-day the ringing +city pavement underfoot, and the buzz of beasts and men in the market +place; to-morrow the yielding turf under tickled flanks, and the lone +whinny of scattered mates. How empty the existence of the treadmill +horse beside this! As empty and endless and dull as the life of almost +any woman in Polotzk, had I had eyes to see the likeness. + +But to my ablutions! + +We undress in a room leading directly from the entry, and furnished +only with benches around the walls. There is no screen or other +protection against the drafts rushing in every time the door is +opened. When we enter the bathing-room we are confused by a babel of +sounds--shrill voices of women, hoarse voices of attendants, wailing +and yelping of children, and rushing of water. At the same time we are +smitten by the heat of the room and nearly suffocated by clouds of +steam. We find at last an empty bench, and surround ourselves with a +semicircle of wooden pails, collected from all around the room. +Sometimes two women in search of pails lay hold of the same pail at +the same moment, and a wrangle ensues, in the course of which each +disputant reminds the other of all her failings, nicknames, and +undesirable connections, living, dead, and unborn; until an attendant +interferes, with more muscle than argument, punctuating the sentence +of justice with newly coined expletives suggested by the occasion. The +centre of the room, where the bathers fill their pails at the faucets, +is a field of endless battle, especially on a crowded day. The +peaceful women seated within earshot stop their violent scrubbing, to +the relief of unwilling children, while they attend to the liveliest +of the quarrels. + +I like to watch the _poll_, that place of torture and heroic +endurance. It is a series of steps rising to the ceiling, affording a +gradually mounting temperature. The bather who wants to enjoy a +violent sweating rests full length for a few minutes on each step, +while an attendant administers several hearty strokes of a stinging +besom. Sometimes a woman climbs too far, and is brought down in a +faint. On the poll, also, the cupping is done. The back of the +patient, with the cups in even rows, looks to me like a muffin pan. Of +course I never go on the poll: I am not robust enough. My spankings I +take at home. + +Another centre of interest is the _mikweh_, the name of which it is +indelicate to mention in the hearing of men. It is a large pool of +standing water, its depth graded by means of a flight of steps. Every +married woman must perform here certain ceremonious ablutions at +regular intervals. Cleanliness is as strictly enjoined as godliness, +and the manner of attaining it is carefully prescribed. The women are +prepared by the attendants for entering the pool, the curious children +looking on. In the pool they are ducked over their heads the correct +number of times. The water in the pool has been standing for days; it +does not look nor smell fresh. But we had no germs in Polotzk, so no +harm came of it, any more than of the pails used promiscuously by +feminine Polotzk. If any were so dainty as to have second thoughts +about the use of the common bath, they could enjoy, for a fee of +twenty-five kopecks, a private bathtub in another part of the +building. For the rich there were luxuries even in Polotzk. + +Cleansed, red-skinned, and steaming, we return at last to the +dressing-room, to shiver, as we dress, in the cold drafts from the +entry door; and then, muffled up to the eyes, we plunge into the +refreshing outer air, and hurry home, looking like so many big bundles +running away with smaller bundles. If we meet acquaintances on the way +we are greeted with "_zu refueh_" ("to your good health"). If the +first man we meet is a Gentile, the women who have been to the mikweh +have to return and repeat the ceremony of purification. To prevent +such a calamity, the kerchief is worn hooded over the eyes, so as to +exclude unholy sights. At home we are indulged with extra pieces of +cake for tea, and otherwise treated like heroes returned from victory. +We narrate anecdotes of our expedition, and my mother complains that +my little brother is getting too old to be taken to the women's bath. +He will go hereafter with the men. + + [Illustration: THE MEAT MARKET, POLOTZK] + +My winter confinement was not shared by my older sister, who otherwise +was my constant companion. She went out more than I, not being so +afraid of the cold. She used to fret so when my mother was away in the +store that it became a custom for her to accompany my mother from the +time she was a mere baby. Muffled and rosy and frost-bitten, the tears +of cold rolling unnoticed down her plump cheeks, she ran after my busy +mother all day long, or tumbled about behind the counter, or nestled +for a nap among the bulging sacks of oats and barley. She warmed her +little hands over my mother's pot of glowing charcoal--there was no +stove in the store--and even learned to stand astride of it, for +further comfort, without setting her clothes on fire. + +Fetchke was like a young colt inseparable from the mare. I make this +comparison not in disrespectful jest, but in deepest pity. Fetchke +kept close to my mother at first for love and protection, but the +petting she got became a blind for discipline. She learned early, from +my mother's example, that hands and feet and brains were made for +labor. She learned to bow to the yoke, to lift burdens, to do more for +others than she could ever hope to have done for her in turn. She +learned to see sugar plums lie around without asking for her share. +When she was only fit to nurse her dolls, she learned how to comfort a +weary heart. + +And all this while I sat warm and watched over at home, untouched by +any discipline save such as I directly incurred by my own sins. I +differed from Fetchke a little in age, considerably in health, and +enormously in luck. It was my good luck, in the first place, to be +born after her, instead of before; in the second place, to inherit, +from the family stock, that particular assortment of gifts which was +sure to mark me for special attentions, exemptions, and privileges; +and as fortune always smiles on good fortune, it has ever been my +luck, in the third place, to find something good in my idle +hand--whether a sunbeam, or a loving heart, or a congenial +task--whenever, on turning a corner, I put out my hand to see what my +new world was like; while my sister, dear, devoted creature, had her +hands so full of work that the sunbeam slipped, and the loving comrade +passed out of hearing before she could straighten from her task, and +all she had of the better world was a scented zephyr fanned in her +face by the irresistible closing of a door. + +Perhaps Esau has been too severely blamed for selling his birthright +for a mess of pottage. The lot of the firstborn is not necessarily to +be envied. The firstborn of a well-to-do patriarch, like Isaac, or of +a Rothschild of to-day, inherits, with his father's flocks and slaves +and coffers, a troop of cares and responsibilities; unless he be a +man without a sense of duty, in which case we are not supposed to envy +him. The firstborn of an indigent father inherits a double measure of +the disadvantages of poverty,--a joyless childhood, a guideless youth, +and perhaps a mateless manhood, his own life being drained to feed the +young of his father's begetting. If we cannot do away with poverty +entirely, we ought at least to abolish the institution of +primogeniture. Nature invented the individual, and promised him, as a +reward for lusty being, comfort and immortality. Comes man with his +patented brains and copyrighted notions, and levies a tax on the +individual, in the form of enforced coöperation, for the maintenance +of his pet institution, the family. Our comfort, in the grip of this +tyranny, must lie in the hope that man, who is no bastard child of +Mother Nature, may be approaching a more perfect resemblance to her +majestic features; that his fitful development will culminate in a +spiritual constitution capable of absolute justice. + + * * * * * + +I think I was telling how I stayed at home in the winter, while my +sister helped or hindered my mother in her store-keeping. The days +drew themselves out too long sometimes, so that I sat at the window +thinking what should happen next. No dolls, no books, no games, and at +times no companions. My grandmother taught me knitting, but I never +got to the heel of my stocking, because if I discovered a dropped +stitch I insisted on unravelling all my work till I picked it up; and +grandmother, instead of encouraging me in my love for perfection, lost +patience and took away my knitting needles. I still maintain that she +was in the wrong, but I have forgiven her, since I have worn many +pairs of stockings with dropped stitches, and been grateful for them. +And speaking of such everyday things reminds me of my friends, among +whom also I find an impressive number with a stitch dropped somewhere +in the pattern of their souls. I love these friends so dearly that I +begin to think I am at last shedding my intolerance; for I remember +the day when I could not love less than perfection. I and my imperfect +friends together aspire to cast our blemishes, and I am happier so. + +There was not much to see from my window, yet adventures beckoned to +me from the empty street. Sometimes the adventure was real, and I went +out to act in it, instead of dreaming on my stool. Once, I remember, +it was early spring, and the winter's ice, just chopped up by the +street cleaners, lay muddy and ragged and high in the streets from +curb to curb. So it must lie till there was time to cart it to the +Dvina, which had all it could do at this season to carry tons, and +heavy tons, of ice and snow and every sort of city rubbish, +accumulated during the long closed months. Polotzk had no underground +communication with the sea, save such as water naturally makes for +itself. The poor old Dvina was hard-worked, serving both as +drinking-fountain and sewer, as a bridge in winter, a highway in +summer, and a playground at all times. So it served us right if we had +to wait weeks and weeks in thawing time for our streets to be cleared; +and we deserved all the sprains and bruises we suffered from +clambering over the broken ice in the streets while going about our +business. + +Leah the Short, little and straight and neat, with a basket on one arm +and a bundle under the other, stood hesitating on the edge of the curb +opposite my window. Her poor old face, framed in its calico kerchief, +had a wrinkle of anxiety in it. The tumbled ice heap in the street +looked to her like an impassable barrier. Tiny as she was, and loaded, +she had reason to hesitate. Perhaps she had eggs in her basket,--I +thought of that as I looked at her across the street; and I thought of +my old ambition to measure myself, shoulder to shoulder, with Leah, +reputedly short. I was small myself, and was constantly reminded of it +by a variety of nicknames, lovingly or vengefully invented by my +friends and enemies. I was called Mouse and Crumb and Poppy Seed. +Should I live to be called, in my old age, Mashke the Short? I longed +to measure my stature by Leah's, and here was my chance. + +I ran out into the street, my grandmother scolding me for going +without a shawl, and I calling back to her to be sure and watch me. I +skipped over the ice blocks like a goat, and offered my assistance to +Leah the Short. With admirable skill and solicitude I guided her timid +steps across the street, at the same time winking to my grandmother at +the window, and pointing to my shoulder close to Leah's. Once on the +safe sidewalk, the tiny woman thanked me and blessed me and praised me +for a thoughtful child; and I watched her toddle away without the +least stir of shame at my hypocrisy. She had convinced me that I was a +good little girl, and I had convinced myself that I was not so very +short. My chin was almost on a level with Leah's shoulder, and I had +years ahead in which to elevate it. Grandma at the window was witness, +and I was entirely happy. If I caught cold from going bareheaded, so +much the better; mother would give me rock candy for my cough. + +For the long winter evenings there was plenty of quiet occupation. I +liked to sit with the women at the long bare table picking feathers +for new featherbeds. It was pleasant to poke my hand into the +soft-heaped mass and set it all in motion. I pretended that I could +pick out the feathers of particular hens, formerly my pets. I +reflected that they had fed me with eggs and broth, and now were going +to make my bed so soft; while I had done nothing for them but throw +them a handful of oats now and then, or chase them about, or spoil +their nests. I was not ashamed of my part; I knew that if I were a hen +I should do as a hen does. I just liked to think about things in my +idle way. + +Itke, the housemaid, was always the one to break in upon my +reflections. She was sure to have a fit of sneezing just when the heap +on the table was highest, sending clouds of feathers into the air, +like a homemade snowstorm. After that the evening was finished by our +picking the feathers from each other's hair. + +Sometimes we played cards or checkers, munching frost-bitten apples +between moves. Sometimes the women sewed, and we children wound yarn +or worsted for grandmother's knitting. If somebody had a story to tell +while the rest worked, the evening passed with a pleasant sense of +semi-idleness for all. + +On a Saturday night, the Sabbath being just departed, ghost stories +were particularly in favor. After two or three of the creepy legends +we began to move closer together under the lamp. At the end of an hour +or so we started and screamed if a spool fell, or a window rattled. At +bedtime nobody was willing to make the round of doors and windows, and +we were afraid to bring a candle into a dark room. + +I was just as much afraid as anybody. I am afraid now to be alone in +the house at night. I certainly was afraid that Saturday night when +somebody, in bravado, suggested fresh-baked buns, as a charm to dispel +the ghosts. The baker who lived next door always baked on Saturday +night. Who would go and fetch the buns? Nobody dared to venture +outdoors. It had snowed all evening; the frosted windows prevented a +preliminary survey of the silent night. _Brr-rr!_ Nobody would take +the dare. + +Nobody but me. Oh, how the creeps ran up and down my back! and oh! how +I loved to distinguish myself! I let them bundle me up till I was +nearly smothered. I paused with my mittened hand on the latch. I +shivered, though I could have sat the night out with a Polar bear +without another shawl. I opened the door, and then turned back, to +make a speech. + +"I am not afraid," I said, in the noble accents of courage. "I am not +afraid to go. God goes with me." + +Pride goeth before a fall. On the step outside I slid down into a +drift, just on the eve of triumph. They picked me up; they brought me +in. They found all of me inside my wrappings. They gave me a piece of +sugar and sent me to bed. And I was very glad. I did hate to go all +the way next door and all the way back, through the white snow, under +the white stars, invisible company keeping step with me. + + * * * * * + +And I remember my playmates. + +There was always a crowd of us girls. We were a mixed set,--rich +little girls, well-to-do little girls, and poor little girls,--but not +because we were so democratic. Rather it came about, if my sister and +I are considered the centre of the ring, because we had suffered the +several grades of fortune. In our best days no little girls had to +stoop to us; in our humbler days we were not so proud that we had to +condescend to our chance neighbors. The granddaughters of Raphael the +Russian, in retaining their breeding and manners, retained a few of +their more exalted friends, and became a link between them and those +whom they later adopted through force of propinquity. + +We were human little girls, so our amusements mimicked the life about +us. We played house, we played soldiers, we played Gentiles, we +celebrated weddings and funerals. We copied the life about us +literally. We had not been to a Froebel kindergarten, and learned to +impersonate butterflies and stones. Our elders would have laughed at +us for such nonsense. I remember once standing on the river bank with +a little boy, when a quantity of lumber was floating down on its way +to the distant sawmill. A log and a board crowded each other near +where we stood. The board slipped by first, but presently it swerved +and swung partly around. Then it righted itself with the stream and +kept straight on, the lazy log following behind. Said Zalmen to me, +interpreting: "The board looks back and says, 'Log, log, you will not +go with me? Then I will go on by myself.'" That boy was called simple, +on account of such speeches as this. I wonder in what language he is +writing poetry now. + +We had very few toys. Neither Fetchke nor I cared much for dolls. A +rag baby apiece contented us, and if we had a set of jackstones we +were perfectly happy. Our jackstones, by the way, were not stones but +bones. We used the knuckle bones of sheep, dried and scraped; every +little girl cherished a set in her pocket. + +I did not care much for playing house. I liked soldiers better, but it +was not much fun without boys. Boys and girls always played apart. + +I was very fond of playing Gentiles. I am afraid I liked everything +that was a little risky. I particularly enjoyed being the corpse in a +Gentile funeral. I was laid across two chairs, and my playmates, in +borrowed shawls and long calicoes, with their hair loose and with +candlesticks in their hands, marched around me, singing unearthly +songs, and groaning till they scared themselves. As I lay there, +covered over with a black cloth, I felt as dead as dead could be; and +my playmates were the unholy priests in gorgeous robes of velvet and +silk and gold. Their candlesticks were the crosiers that were carried +in Christian funeral processions, and their chantings were hideous +incantations to the arch enemy, the Christian God of horrible images. +As I imagined the bareheaded crowds making way for my funeral to pass, +my flesh crept, not because I was about to be buried, but because the +people _crossed themselves_. But our procession stopped outside the +church, because we did not dare to carry even our make-believe across +that accursed threshold. Besides, none of us had ever been +inside,--God forbid!--so we did not know what did happen next. + +When I arose from my funeral I was indeed a ghost. I felt unreal and +lost and hateful. I don't think we girls liked each other much after +playing funeral. Anyway, we never played any more on the same day; or +if we did, we soon quarrelled. Such was the hold which our hereditary +terrors and hatreds had upon our childish minds that if we only mocked +a Christian procession in our play, we suffered a mutual revulsion of +feeling, as if we had led each other into sin. + +We gathered oftener at our house than anywhere else. On Sabbath days +we refrained, of course, from soldiering and the like, but we had just +as good a time, going off to promenade, two and two, in our very best +dresses; whispering secrets and telling stories. We had a few stories +in the circle--I do not know how they came to us--and these were told +over and over. Gutke knew the best story of all. She told the story of +Aladdin and the Wonderful Lamp, and she told it well. It was her +story, and nobody else ever attempted it, though I, for one, soon had +it by heart. Gutke's version of the famous tale was unlike any I have +since read, but it was essentially the story of Aladdin, so that I was +able to identify it later when I found it in a book. Names, incidents, +and "local color" were slightly Hebraized, but the supernatural +wonders of treasure caves, jewelled gardens, genii, princesses, and +all, were not in the least marred or diminished. Gutke would spin the +story out for a long afternoon, and we all listened entranced, even at +the hundredth rehearsal. We had a few other fairy stories,--I later +identified them with stories of Grimm's or of Andersen's,--but for the +most part the tales we told were sombre and unimaginative; tales our +nurses used to tell to frighten us into good behavior. + +Sometimes we spent a whole afternoon in dancing. We made our own +music, singing as we danced, or somebody blew on a comb with a bit of +paper over its teeth; and comb music is not to be despised when there +is no other sort. We knew the polka and the waltz, the mazurka, the +quadrille, and the lancers, and several fancy dances. We did not +hesitate to invent new steps or figures, and we never stopped till we +were out of breath. I was one of the most enthusiastic dancers. I +danced till I felt as if I could fly. + +Sometimes we sat in a ring and sang all the songs we knew. None of us +were trained,--we had never seen a sheet of music--but some of us +could sing any tune that was ever heard in Polotzk, and the others +followed half a bar behind. I enjoyed these singing-bees. We had +Hebrew songs and Jewish and Russian; solemn songs, and jolly songs, +and songs unfit for children, but harmless enough on our innocent +lips. I enjoyed the play of moods in these songs--I liked to be +harrowed one minute and tickled the next. I threw all my heart into +the singing, which was only fair, as I had very little voice to throw +in. + +Although I always joined the crowd when any fun was on foot, I think I +had the best times by myself. My sister was fond of housework, but +I--I was fond of idleness. While Fetchke pottered in the kitchen +beside the maid or trotted all about the house after my grandmother, I +wasted time in some window corner, or studied the habits of the cow +and the chickens in the yard. I always found something to do that was +of no use to anybody. I had no particular fondness for animals; I +liked to see what they did, merely because they were curious. The red +cow would go to meet my grandmother as she came out of the kitchen +with a bucket of bran for her. She drank it up in no time, the greedy +creature, in great loud gulps; and then she stood with dripping +nostrils over the empty bucket, staring at me on the other side. I +teased grandmother to give the cow more, because I enjoyed her +enjoyment of it. I wondered, if I ate from a bucket instead of a +plate, should I take so much more pleasure in my dinner? That red cow +liked everything. She liked going to pasture, and she liked coming +back, and she stood still to be milked, as if she liked that too. + +The chickens were not all alike. Some of them would not let me catch +them, while others stood still till I took them up. There were two +that were particularly tame, a white hen and a speckled one. In +winter, when they were kept in the house, my sister and I had these +two for our pets. They let us handle them by the hour, and stayed just +where we put them. The white hen laid her eggs in a linen chest made +of bark. We would take the warm egg to grandmother, who rolled it on +our eyes, repeating this charm: "As this egg is fresh, so may your +eyes be fresh. As this egg is sound, so may your eyes be sound." I +still like to touch my eyelids with a fresh-laid egg, whenever I am so +happy as to possess one. + +On the horses in the barn I bestowed the same calm attention as on the +cow, speculative rather than affectionate. I was not a very +tender-hearted infant. If I have been a true witness of my own growth, +I was slower to love than I was to think. I do not know when the +change was wrought, but to-day, if you ask my friends, they will tell +you that I know how to love them better than to solve their problems. +And if you will call one more witness, and ask me, I shall say that if +you set me down before a noble landscape, I feel it long before I +begin to see it. + +Idle child though I was, the day was not long enough sometimes for my +idleness. More than once in the pleasant summer I stole out of bed +when even the cow was still drowsing, and went barefoot through the +dripping grass and stood at the gate, awaiting the morning. I found a +sense of adventure in being conscious when all other people were +asleep. There was not much of a prospect from the gateway, but in +that early hour everything looked new and large to me, even the little +houses that yesterday had been so familiar. The houses, when creatures +went in and out of them, were merely conventional objects; in the soft +gray morning they were themselves creatures. Some stood up straight, +and some leaned, and some looked as if they saw me. And then over the +dewy gardens rose the sun, and the light spread and grew over +everything, till it shone on my bare feet. And in my heart grew a +great wonder, and I was ready to cry, my world was so strange and +sweet about me. In those moments, I think, I could have loved somebody +as well as I loved later--somebody who cared to get up secretly, and +stand and see the sun come up. + +Was there not somebody who got up before the sun? Was there not Mishka +the shepherd? Aye, that was an early riser; but I knew he was no +sun-worshipper. Before the chickens stirred, before the lazy maid let +the cow out of the barn, I heard his rousing horn, its distant notes +harmonious with the morning. Barn doors creaked in response to +Mishka's call, and soft-eyed cattle went willingly out to meet him, +and stood in groups in the empty square, licking and nosing each +other; till Mishka's little drove was all assembled, and he tramped +out of town behind them, in a cloud of dust. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE + + +History shows that in all countries where Jews have equal rights with +the rest of the people, they lose their fear of secular science, and +learn how to take their ancient religion with them from century to +awakening century, dropping nothing by the way but what their growing +spirit has outgrown. In countries where progress is to be bought only +at the price of apostasy, they shut themselves up in their synagogues, +and raise the wall of extreme separateness between themselves and +their Gentile neighbors. There is never a Jewish community without its +scholars, but where Jews may not be both intellectuals and Jews, they +prefer to remain Jews. + +The survival in Russia of mediæval injustice to Jews was responsible +for the narrowness of educational standards in the Polotzk of my time. +Jewish scholarship, as we have seen, was confined to a knowledge of +the Hebrew language and literature, and even these limited stores of +learning were not equally divided between men and women. In the +mediæval position of the women of Polotzk education really had no +place. A girl was "finished" when she could read her prayers in +Hebrew, following the meaning by the aid of the Yiddish translation +especially prepared for women. If she could sign her name in Russian, +do a little figuring, and write a letter in Yiddish to the parents of +her betrothed, she was called _wohl gelehrent_--well educated. + +Fortunately for me, my parents' ideals soared beyond all this. My +mother, although she had not stirred out of Polotzk, readily adopted +the notion of a liberal education imported by my father from cities +beyond the Pale. She heartily supported him in all his plans for us +girls. Fetchke and I were to learn to translate as well as pronounce +Hebrew, the same as our brother. We were to study Russian and German +and arithmetic. We were to go to the best _pension_ and receive a +thorough secular education. My father's ambition, after several years' +sojourn in enlightened circles, reached even beyond the _pension_; but +that was flying farther than Polotzk could follow him with the naked +eye. + +I do not remember our first teacher. When our second teacher came we +were already able to read continuous passages. Reb' Lebe was no great +scholar. Great scholars would not waste their learning on mere girls. +Reb' Lebe knew enough to teach girls Hebrew. Tall and lean was the +rebbe, with a lean, pointed face and a thin, pointed beard. The beard +became pointed from much stroking and pulling downwards. The hands of +Reb' Lebe were large, and his beard was not half a handful. The +fingers of the rebbe were long, and the nails, I am afraid, were not +very clean. The coat of Reb' Lebe was rusty, and so was his skull-cap. +Remember, Reb' Lebe was only a girls' teacher, and nobody would pay +much for teaching girls. But lean and rusty as he was, the rebbe's +pupils regarded him with entire respect, and followed his pointer with +earnest eyes across the limp page of the alphabet, or the thumbed page +of the prayer-book. + +For a short time my sister and I went for our lessons to Reb' Lebe's +heder, in the bare room off the women's gallery, up one flight of +stairs, in a synagogue. The place was as noisy as a reckless +expenditure of lung power could make it. The pupils on the bench +shouted their way from _aleph_ to _tav_, cheered and prompted by the +growl of the rebbe; while the children in the corridor waiting their +turn played "puss in the corner" and other noisy games. + +Fetchke and I, however, soon began to have our lessons in private, at +our own home. We sat one on each side of the rebbe, reading the Hebrew +sentences turn and turn about. + +When we left off reading by rote and Reb' Lebe began to reveal the +mysteries to us, I was so eager to know all that was in my book that +the lesson was always too short. I continued reading by the hour, +after the rebbe was gone, though I understood about one word in ten. +My favorite Hebrew reading was the Psalms. Verse after verse I chanted +to the monotonous tune taught by Reb' Lebe, rocking to the rhythm of +the chant, just like the rebbe. And so ran the song of David, and so +ran the hours by, while I sat by the low window, the world erased from +my consciousness. + +What I thought I do not remember; I only know that I loved the sound +of the words, the full, dense, solid sound of them, to the meditative +chant of Reb' Lebe. I pronounced Hebrew very well, and I caught some +mechanical trick of accent and emphasis, which was sufficiently like +Reb' Lebe's to make my reading sound intelligent. I had a clue to the +general mood of the subject from the few Psalms I had actually +translated, and drawing on my imagination for details, I was able to +read with so much spirit that ignorant listeners were carried away by +my performance. My mother tells me, indeed, that people used to stop +outside my window to hear me read. Of this I have not the slightest +recollection, so I suppose I was an unconscious impostor. Certain I am +that I thought no ignoble thoughts as I chanted the sacred words; and +who can say that my visions were not as inspiring as David's? He was a +shepherd before he became a king. I was an ignorant child in the +Ghetto, but I was admitted at last to the society of the best; I was +given the freedom of all America. Perhaps the "stuff that dreams are +made of" is the same for all dreamers. + +When we came to read Genesis I had the great advantage of a complete +translation in Yiddish. I faithfully studied the portion assigned in +Hebrew, but I need no longer wait for the next lesson to know how the +story ends. I could read while daylight lasted, if I chose, in the +Yiddish. Well I remember that Pentateuch, a middling thick octavo +volume, in a crumbly sort of leather cover; and how the book opened of +itself at certain places, where there were pictures. My father tells +me that when I was just learning to translate single words, he found +me one evening poring over the _humesh_ and made fun of me for +pretending to read; whereupon I gave him an eager account, he says, of +the stories of Jacob, Benjamin, Moses, and others, which I had puzzled +out from the pictures, by the help of a word here and there that I was +able to translate. + +It was inevitable, as we came to Genesis, that I should ask questions. + +Rebbe, translating: "In the beginning God created the earth." + +Pupil, repeating: "In the beginning--Rebbe, when was the beginning?" + +Rebbe, losing the place in amazement: "'S _gehert a kasse_? (Ever +hear such a question?) The beginning was--the beginning--the beginning +was in the beginning, of course! _Nu! nu!_ Go on." + +Pupil, resuming: "In the beginning God made the earth.--Rebbe, what +did He make it out of?" + +Rebbe, dropping his pointer in astonishment: "What did--? What sort of +a girl is this, that asks questions? Go on, go on!" + +The lesson continues to the end. The book is closed, the pointer put +away. The rebbe exchanges his skull-cap for his street cap, is about +to go. + +Pupil, timidly, but determinedly, detaining him: "Reb' Lebe, _who made +God_?" + +The rebbe regards the pupil in amazement mixed with anxiety. His +emotion is beyond speech. He turns and leaves the room. In his +perturbation he even forgets to kiss the _mezuzah_[2] on the doorpost. +The pupil feels reproved and yet somehow in the right. Who _did_ make +God? But if the rebbe will not tell--will not tell? Or, perhaps, he +does not know? The rebbe--? + +It was some time after this conflict between my curiosity and his +obtuseness that I saw my teacher act a ridiculous part in a trifling +comedy, and then I remember no more of him. + +Reb' Lebe lingered one day after the lesson. A guest who was about to +depart, wishing to fortify himself for his journey, took a roll of +hard sausage from his satchel and laid it, with his clasp knife, on +the table. He cut himself a slice and ate it standing; and then, +noticing the thin, lean rebbe, he invited him, by a gesture, to help +himself to the sausage. The rebbe put his hands behind his coat tails, +declining the traveller's hospitality. The traveller forgot the other, +and walked up and down, ready in his fur coat and cap, till his +carriage should arrive. The sausage remained on the table, thick and +spicy and brown. No such sausage was known in Polotzk. Reb' Lebe +looked at it. Reb' Lebe continued to look. The stranger stopped to cut +another slice, and repeated his gesture of invitation. Reb' Lebe moved +a step towards the table, but his hands stuck behind his coat tails. +The traveller resumed his walk. Reb' Lebe moved another step. The +stranger was not looking. The rebbe's courage rose, he advanced +towards the table; he stretched out his hand for the knife. At that +instant the door opened, the carriage was announced. The eager +traveller, without noticing Reb' Lebe, swept up sausage and knife, +just at the moment when the timid rebbe was about to cut himself a +delicious slice. I saw his discomfiture from my corner, and I am +obliged to confess that I enjoyed it. His face always looked foolish +to me after that; but, fortunately for us both, we did not study +together much longer. + + * * * * * + +Two little girls dressed in their best, shining from their curls to +their shoes. One little girl has rosy cheeks, the other has staring +eyes. Rosy-Cheeks carries a carpet bag; Big-Eyes carries a new slate. +Hand in hand they go into the summer morning, so happy and pretty a +pair that it is no wonder people look after them, from window and +door; and that other little girls, not dressed in their best and +carrying no carpet bags, stand in the street gaping after them. + +Let the folks stare; no harm can come to the little sisters. Did not +grandmother tie pepper and salt into the corners of their pockets, to +ward off the evil eye? The little maids see nothing but the road +ahead, so eager are they upon their errand. Carpet bag and slate +proclaim that errand: Rosy-Cheeks and Big-Eyes are going to school. + +I have no words to describe the pride with which my sister and I +crossed the threshold of Isaiah the Scribe. Hitherto we had been to +heder, to a rebbe; now we were to study with a _lehrer_, a secular +teacher. There was all the difference in the world between the two. +The one taught you Hebrew only, which every girl learned; the other +could teach Yiddish and Russian and, some said, even German; and how +to write a letter, and how to do sums without a counting-frame, just +on a piece of paper; accomplishments which were extremely rare among +girls in Polotzk. But nothing was too high for the grandchildren of +Raphael the Russian; they had "good heads," everybody knew. So we were +sent to Reb' Isaiah. + +My first school, where I was so proud to be received, was a hovel on +the edge of a swamp. The schoolroom was gray within and without. The +door was so low that Reb' Isaiah had to stoop in passing. The little +windows were murky. The walls were bare, but the low ceiling was +decorated with bundles of goose quills stuck in under the rafters. A +rough table stood in the middle of the room, with a long bench on +either side. That was the schoolroom complete. In my eyes, on that +first morning, it shone with a wonderful light, a strange glory that +penetrated every corner, and made the stained logs fair as tinted +marble; and the windows were not too small to afford me a view of a +large new world. + +Room was made for the new pupils on the bench, beside the teacher. We +found our inkwells, which were simply hollows scooped out in the thick +table top. Reb' Isaiah made us very serviceable pens by tying the pen +points securely to little twigs; though some of the pupils used +quills. The teacher also ruled our paper for us, into little squares, +like a surveyor's notebook. Then he set us a copy, and we copied, one +letter in each square, all the way down the page. All the little girls +and the middle-sized girls and the pretty big girls copied letters in +little squares, just so. There were so few of us that Reb' Isaiah +could see everybody's page by just leaning over. And if some of our +cramped fingers were clumsy, and did not form the loops and curves +accurately, all he had to do was to stretch out his hand and rap with +his ruler on our respective knuckles. It was all very cosey, with the +inkwells that could not be upset, and the pens that grew in the woods +or strutted in the dooryard, and the teacher in the closest touch with +his pupils, as I have just told. And as he labored with us, and the +hours drew themselves out, he was comforted by the smell of his dinner +cooking in some little hole adjoining the schoolroom, and by the sound +of his good Leah or Rachel or Deborah (I don't remember her name) +keeping order among his little ones. She kept very good order, too, so +that most of the time you could hear the scratching of the laborious +pens accompanied by the croaking of the frogs in the swamp. + +Although my sister and I began our studies at the same time, and +progressed together, my parents did not want me to take up new +subjects as fast as Fetchke did. They thought my health too delicate +for much study. So when Fetchke had her Russian lesson I was told to +go and play. I am sorry to say that I was disobedient on these +occasions, as on many others. I did not go and play; I looked on, I +listened, when Fetchke rehearsed her lesson at home. And one evening I +stole the Russian primer and repaired to a secret place I knew of. It +was a storeroom for broken chairs and rusty utensils and dried apples. +Nobody would look for me in that dusty hole. Nobody did look there, +but they looked everywhere else, in the house, and in the yard, and in +the barn, and down the street, and at our neighbors'; and while +everybody was searching and calling for me, and telling each other +when I was last seen, and what I was then doing, I, Mashke, was +bending over the stolen book, rehearsing A, B, C, by the names my +sister had given them; and before anybody hit upon my retreat, I could +spell B-O-G, _Bog_ (God) and K-A-Z-A, _Kaza_ (goat). I did not mind in +the least being caught, for I had my new accomplishment to show off. + +I remember the littered place, and the high chest that served as my +table, and the blue glass lamp that lighted my secret efforts. I +remember being brought from there into the firelit room where the +family was assembled, and confusing them all by my recital of the +simple words, B-O-G, _Bog_, and K-A-Z-A, _Kaza_. I was not reproached +for going into hiding at bedtime, and the next day I was allowed to +take part in the Russian lesson. + +Alas! there were not many lessons more. Long before we had exhausted +Reb' Isaiah's learning, my sister and I had to give up our teacher, +because the family fortunes began to decline, and luxuries, such as +schooling, had to be cut off. Isaiah the Scribe taught us, in all, +perhaps two terms, in which time we learned Yiddish and Russian, and a +little arithmetic. But little good we had from our ability to read, +for there were no books in our house except prayer-books and other +religious writings, mostly in Hebrew. For our skill in writing we had +as little use, as letter-writing was not an everyday exercise, and +idle writing was not thought of. Our good teacher, however, who had +taken pride in our progress, would not let us lose all that we had +learned from him. Books he could not lend us, because he had none +himself; but he could, and he did, write us out a beautiful "copy" +apiece, which we could repeat over and over, from time to time, and so +keep our hands in. + +I wonder that I have forgotten the graceful sentences of my "copy"; +for I wrote them out just about countless times. It was in the form of +a letter, written on lovely pink paper (my sister's was blue), the +lines taking the shape of semicircles across the page; and that +without any guide lines showing. The script, of course, was +perfect--in the best manner of Isaiah the Scribe--and the sentiments +therein expressed were entirely noble. I was supposed to be a +high-school pupil away on my vacation; and I was writing to my +"Respected Parents," to assure them of my welfare, and to tell them +how, in the midst of my pleasures, I still longed for my friends, and +looked forward with eagerness to the renewal of my studies. All this, +in phrases half Yiddish, half German, and altogether foreign to the +ears of Polotzk. At least, I never heard such talk in the market, when +I went to buy a kopeck's worth of sunflower seeds. + +This was all the schooling I had in Russia. My father's plans fell to +the ground, on account of the protracted illness of both my parents. +All his hopes of leading his children beyond the intellectual limits +of Polotzk were trampled down by the monster poverty who showed his +evil visage just as my sister and I were fairly started on a broader +path. + +One chance we had, and that was quickly snatched away, of continuing +our education in spite of family difficulties. Lozhe the Rav, hearing +from various sources that Pinchus, son-in-law of Raphael the Russian, +had two bright little girls, whose talents were going to waste for +want of training, became much interested, and sent for the children, +to see for himself what the gossip was worth. By a strange trick of +memory I recall nothing of this important interview, nor indeed of the +whole matter, although a thousand trifles of that period recur to me +on the instant; so I report this anecdote on the authority of my +parents. + +They tell me how the rav lifted me up on a table in front of him, and +asked me many questions, and encouraged me to ask questions in my +turn. Reb' Lozhe came to the conclusion, as a result of this +interview, that I ought by all means to be put to school. There was no +public school for girls, as we know, but a few pupils were maintained +in a certain private school by irregular contributions from city +funds. Reb' Lozhe enlisted in my cause the influence of his son, who, +by virtue of some municipal office which he held, had a vote in fixing +this appropriation. But although he pleaded eloquently for my +admission as a city pupil, the rav's son failed to win the consent of +his colleagues, and my one little crack of opportunity was tightly +stopped. + +My father does not remember on what technicality my application was +dismissed. My mother is under the impression that it was plainly +refused on account of my religion, the authorities being unwilling to +appropriate money for the tuition of a Jewish child. But little it +matters now what the reason was; the result is what affected me. I was +left without teacher or book just when my mind was most active. I was +left without food just when the hunger of growth was creeping up. I +was left to think and think, without direction; without the means of +grappling with the contents of my own thought. + + * * * * * + +In a community which was isolated from the mass of the people on +account of its religion; which was governed by special civil laws in +recognition of that fact; in whose calendar there were twoscore days +of religious observance; whose going and coming, giving and taking, +living and dying, to the minutest details of social conduct, to the +most intimate particulars of private life, were regulated by sacred +laws, there could be no question of personal convictions in religion. +One was a Jew, leading a righteous life; or one was a Gentile, +existing to harass the Jews, while making a living off Jewish +enterprise. In the vocabulary of the more intelligent part of Polotzk, +it is true, there were such words as freethinker and apostate; but +these were the names of men who had forsaken the Law in distant times +or in distant parts, and whose evil fame had reached Polotzk by the +circuitous route of tradition. Nobody looked for such monsters in his +neighborhood. Polotzk was safely divided into Jews and Gentiles. + +If any one in Polotzk had been idle and curious enough to inquire into +the state of mind of a little child, I wonder if his findings would +not have disturbed this simple classification. + +There used to be a little girl in Polotzk who recited the long Hebrew +prayers, morning and evening, before and after meals, and never +skipped a word; who kissed the _mezuzah_ when going or coming; who +abstained from food and drink on fast days when she was no bigger than +a sacrificial hen; who spent Sabbath mornings over the lengthy ritual +for the day, and read the Psalms till daylight failed. + +This pious child could give as good an account of the Creation as any +boy of her age. She knew how God made the world. Undeterred by the +fate of Eve, she wanted to know more. She asked her wise rebbe how God +came to be in His place, and where He found the stuff to make the +world of, and what was doing in the universe before God undertook His +task. Finding from his unsatisfying replies that the rebbe was but a +barren branch on the tree of knowledge, the good little girl never +betrayed to the world, by look or word, her discovery of his +limitations, but continued to accord him, outwardly, all the courtesy +due to his calling. + +Her teacher having failed her, the young student, with admirable +persistence, carried her questions from one to another of her +acquaintances, putting their answers to the test whenever it was +possible. She established by this means two facts: first, that she +knew as much as any of those who undertook to instruct her; second, +that her oracles sometimes gave false answers. Did the little +inquisitor charge her betrayers with the lie? Magnanimous creature, +she kept their falseness a secret, and ceased to probe their shallow +depths. + +What you would know, find out for yourself: this became our student's +motto; and she passed from the question to the experiment. Her +grandmother told her that if she handled "blind flowers" she would be +stricken blind. She found by test that the pretty flowers were +harmless. She tested everything that could be tested, till she hit at +last on an impious plan to put God Himself to the proof. + +The pious little girl arose one Sabbath afternoon from her religious +meditations, when all the house was taking its after-dinner nap, and +went out in the yard, and stopped at the gate. She took out her pocket +handkerchief. She looked at it. Yes, that would do for the experiment. +She put it back into her pocket. She did not have to rehearse mentally +the sacred admonition not to carry anything beyond the house-limits on +the Sabbath day. She knew it as she knew that she was alive. And with +her handkerchief in her pocket the audacious child stepped into the +street! + +She stood a moment, her heart beating so that it pained. Nothing +happened! She walked quite across the street. The Sabbath peace still +lay on everything. She felt again of the burden in her pocket. Yes, +she certainly was committing a sin. With an access of impious +boldness, the sinner walked--she ran as far as the corner, and stood +still, fearfully expectant. What form would the punishment take? She +stood breathing painfully for an eternity. How still everything +was--how close and still the air! Would it be a storm? Would a sudden +bolt strike her? She stood and waited. She could not bring her hand to +her pocket again, but she felt that it bulged monstrously. She stood +with no thought of moving again. Where were the thunders of Jehovah? +No sacred word of all her long prayers came to her tongue--not even +"Hear, O Israel." She felt that she was in direct communication with +God--awful thought!--and He would read her mind and would send His +answer. + + [Illustration: SABBATH LOAVES FOR SALE (BREAD MARKET, POLOTZK)] + +An age passed in blank expectancy. Nothing happened! Where was the +wrath of God? _Where was God?_ + +When she turned to go home, the little philosopher had her +handkerchief tied around her wrist in the proper way. The experiment +was over, though the result was not clear. God had not punished her, +but nothing was proved by His indifference. Either the act was no sin, +and her preceptors were all deceivers; or it was indeed a sin in the +eyes of God, but He refrained from stern justice for high reasons of +His own. It was not a searching experiment she had made. She was +bitterly disappointed, and perhaps that was meant as her punishment: +God refused to give her a reply. She intended no sin for the sake of +sin; so, being still in doubt, she tied her handkerchief around her +wrist. Her eyes stared more than ever,--this was the child with the +staring eyes,--but that was the only sign she gave of a consciousness +suddenly expanded, of a self-consciousness intensified. + +When she went back into the house, she gazed with a new curiosity at +her mother, at her grandmother, dozing in their chairs. They looked +_different_. When they awoke and stretched themselves and adjusted wig +and cap, they looked _very_ strange. As she went to get her +grandmother her Bible, and dropped it accidentally, she kissed it by +way of atonement just as a proper child should. + +How, I wonder, would this Psalm-singing child have be enlabelled by +the investigator of her mind? Would he have called her a Jew? She was +too young to be called an apostate. Perhaps she would have been +dismissed as a little fraud; and I should be content with that +classification, if slightly modified. I should say the child was a +piteously puzzled little fraud. + +To return to the honest first person, I _was_ something of a fraud. +The days when I believed everything I was told did not run much beyond +my teething time. I soon began to question if fire was really hot, if +the cat would really scratch. Presently, as we have seen, I questioned +God. And in those days my religion depended on my mood. I could +believe anything I wanted to believe. I did believe, in all my moods, +that there was a God who had made the world, in some fashion +unexplained, and who knew about me and my doings; for there was the +world all about me, and somebody must have made it. And it was +conceivable that a being powerful enough to do such work could be +aware of my actions at all times, and yet continue to me invisible. +The question remained, what did He think of my conduct? Was He really +angry when I broke the Sabbath, or pleased when I fasted on the Day of +Atonement? My belief as to these matters wavered. When I swung the +sacrifice around my head on Atonement Eve, repeating, "Be thou my +sacrifice," etc., I certainly believed that I was bargaining with the +Almighty for pardon, and that He was interested in the matter. But +next day, when the fast was over, and I enjoyed all of my chicken that +I could eat, I believed as certainly that God could not be party to +such a foolish transaction, in which He got nothing but words, while I +got both the feast and the pardon. The sacrifice of money, to be spent +for the poor, seemed to me a more reliable insurance against +damnation. The well-to-do pious offered up both living sacrifice and +money for the poor-box, but it was a sign of poverty to offer only +money. Even a lean rooster, to be killed, roasted, and garnished for +the devotee's own table at the breaking of the fast, seemed to be +considered a more respectable sacrifice than a groschen to increase +the charity fund. All this was so illogical that it unsettled my faith +in minor points of doctrine, and on these points I was quite happy to +believe to-day one thing, to-morrow another. + +As unwaveringly as I believed that we Jews had a God who was powerful +and wise, I believed that the God of my Christian neighbors was +impotent, cruel, and foolish. I understood that the god of the +Gentiles was no better than a toy, to be dressed up in gaudy stuffs +and carried in processions. I saw it often enough, and turned away in +contempt. While the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob--my God--enjoined +on me honesty and kindness, the god of Vanka bade him beat me and spit +on me whenever he caught me alone. And what a foolish god was that who +taught the stupid Gentiles that we drank the blood of a murdered child +at our Passover feast! Why, I, who was only a child, knew better. And +so I hated and feared and avoided the great white church in the Platz, +and hated every sign and symbol of that monstrous god who was kept +there and hated my own person, when, in our play of a Christian +funeral, I imagined my body to be the corpse, over which was carried +the hideous cross. + +Perhaps I have established that I was more Jew than Gentile, though I +can still prove that I was none the less a fraud. For instance, I +remember how once, on the eve of the Ninth of Ab--the anniversary of +the fall of the Temple--I was looking on at the lamentations of the +women. A large circle had gathered around my mother, who was the only +good reader among them, to listen to the story of the cruel +destruction. Sitting on humble stools, in stocking feet, shabby +clothes, and dishevelled hair, weeping in chorus, and wringing their +hands, as if it was but yesterday that the sacred edifice fell and +they were in the very dust and ashes of the ruin, the women looked to +me enviously wretched and pious. I joined the circle in the +candlelight. I wrung my hands, I moaned; but I was always slow of +tears--I could not weep. But I wanted to look like the others. So I +streaked my cheeks with the only moisture at hand. + +Alas for my pious ambition! alas for the noble lament of the women! +Somebody looked up and caught me in the act of manufacturing tears. I +grinned, and she giggled. Another woman looked up. I grinned, and they +giggled. Demoralization swept around the circle. Honest laughter +snuffed out artificial grief. My mother at last looked up, with red +and astonished eyes, and I was banished from the feast of tears. + +I returned promptly to my playmates in the street, who were amusing +themselves, according to the custom on that sad anniversary, by +pelting each other with burrs. Here I was distinguished, more than I +had been among my elders. My hair being curly, it caught a generous +number of burrs, so that I fairly bristled with these emblems of +mortification and woe. + +Not long after that sinful experiment with the handkerchief I +discovered by accident that I was not the only doubter in Polotzk. One +Friday night I lay wakeful in my little bed, staring from the dark +into the lighted room adjoining mine. I saw the Sabbath candles +sputter and go out, one by one,--it was late,--but the lamp hanging +from the ceiling still burned high. Everybody had gone to bed. The +lamp would go out before morning if there was little oil; or else it +would burn till Natasha, the Gentile chorewoman, came in the morning +to put it out, and remove the candlesticks from the table, and unseal +the oven, and do the dozen little tasks which no Jew could perform on +the Sabbath. The simple prohibition to labor on the Sabbath day had +been construed by zealous commentators to mean much more. One must not +even touch any instrument of labor or commerce, as an axe or a coin. +It was forbidden to light a fire, or to touch anything that contained +a fire, or had contained fire, were it only a cold candlestick or a +burned match. Therefore the lamp at which I was staring must burn till +the Gentile woman came to put it out. + +The light did not annoy me in the least; I was not thinking about it. +But apparently it troubled somebody else. I saw my father come from +his room, which also adjoined the living-room. What was he going to +do? What was this he was doing? Could I believe my eyes? My father +touched the lighted lamp!--yes, he shook it, as if to see how much oil +there was left. + +I was petrified in my place. I could neither move nor make a sound. It +seemed to me he must feel my eyes bulging at him out of the dark. But +he did not know that I was looking; he thought everybody was asleep. +He turned down the light a very little, and waited. I did not take my +eyes from him. He lowered the flame a little more, and waited again. I +watched. By the slightest degrees he turned the light down. I +understood. In case any one were awake, it would appear as if the lamp +was going out of itself. I was the only one who lay so as to be able +to see him, and I had gone to bed so early that he could not suppose I +was awake. The light annoyed him, he wanted to put it out, but he +would not risk having it known. + +I heard my father find his bed in the dark before I dared to draw a +full breath. The thing he had done was a monstrous sin. If his mother +had seen him do it, it would have broken her heart--his mother who +fasted half the days of the year, when he was a boy, to save his +teacher's fee; his mother who walked almost barefoot in the cruel snow +to carry him on her shoulders to school when she had no shoes for him; +his mother who made it her pious pride to raise up a learned son, that +most precious offering in the eyes of the great God, from the hand of +a poor struggling woman. If my mother had seen it, it would have +grieved her no less--my mother who was given to him, with her youth +and good name and her dowry, in exchange for his learning and piety; +my mother who was taken from her play to bear him children and feed +them and keep them, while he sat on the benches of the scholars and +repaid her labors with the fame of his learning. I did not put it to +myself just so, but I understood that learning and piety were the +things most valued in our family, that my father was a scholar, and +that piety, of course, was the fruit of sacred learning. And yet my +father had deliberately violated the Sabbath. + +His act was not to be compared with my carrying the handkerchief. The +two sins were of the same kind, but the sinners and their motives were +different. I was a child, a girl at that, not yet of the age of moral +responsibility. He was a man full grown, passing for one of God's +elect, and accepting the reverence of the world as due tribute to his +scholarly merits. I had by no means satisfied myself, by my secret +experiment, that it was not sinful to carry a burden on the Sabbath +day. If God did not punish me on the spot, perhaps it was because of +my youth or perhaps it was because of my motive. + +According to my elders, my father, by turning out the lamp, committed +the sin of Sabbath-breaking. What did my father intend? I could not +suppose that his purpose was similar to mine. Surely he, who had lived +so long and studied so deeply, had by this time resolved all his +doubts. Surely God had instructed _him_. I could not believe that he +did wrong knowingly, so I came to the conclusion that he did not hold +it a sin to touch a lighted lamp on Sabbath. Then why was he so secret +in his action? That, too, became clear to me. I myself had +instinctively adopted secret methods in all my little investigations, +and had kept the results to myself. The way in which my questions were +received had taught me much. I had a dim, inarticulate understanding +of the horror and indignation which my father would excite if he, +supposedly a man of piety, should publish the heretical opinion that +it was not wrong to handle fire on the Sabbath. To see what remorse my +mother suffered, or my father's mother, if by some accident she failed +in any point of religious observance, was to know that she could never +be brought to doubt the sacred importance of the thousand minutiæ of +ancient Jewish practice. That which had been taught them as the truth +by their fathers and mothers was the whole truth to my good friends +and neighbors--that and nothing else. If there were any people in +Polotzk who had strange private opinions, such as I concluded my +father must hold, it was possible that he had a secret acquaintance +with them. But it would never do, it was plain to me, to make public +confession of his convictions. Such an act would not only break the +hearts of his family, but it would also take the bread from the mouths +of his children, and ruin them forever. My sister and my brother and +I would come to be called the children of Israel the Apostate, just as +Gutke, my playmate, was called the granddaughter of Yankel the +Informer. The most innocent of us would be cursed and shunned for the +sin of our father. + +All this I came to understand, not all at once, but by degrees, as I +put this and that together, and brought my childish thoughts to order. +I was by no means absorbed in this problem. I played and danced with +the other children as heartily as ever, but I brooded in my window +corner when there was nothing else to do. I had not the slightest +impulse to go to my father, charge him with his unorthodox conduct, +and demand an explanation of him. I was quite satisfied that I +understood him, and I had not the habit of confidences. I was still in +the days when I was content to _find out_ things, and did not long to +communicate my discoveries. Moreover, I was used to living in two +worlds, a real world and a make-believe one, without ever knowing +which was which. In one world I had much company--father and mother +and sister and friends--and did as others did, and took everything for +granted. In the other world I was all alone, and I had to discover +ways for myself; and I was so uncertain that I did not attempt to +bring a companion along. And did I find my own father treading in the +unknown ways? Then perhaps some day he would come across me, and take +me farther than I had yet been; but I would not be the first to +whisper that I was there. It seems strange enough to me now that I +should have been so uncommunicative; but I remind myself that I have +been thoroughly made over, at least once, since those early days. + +I recall with sorrow that I was sometimes as weak in morals as I was +in religion. I remember stealing a piece of sugar. It was long +ago--almost as long ago as anything that I remember. We were still +living in my grandfather's house when this dreadful thing happened and +I was only four or five years old when we moved from there. Before my +mother figured this out for me I scarcely had the courage to confess +my sin. + +And it was thus: In a corner of a front room, by a window, stood a +high chest of drawers. On top of the chest stood a tin box, decorated +with figures of queer people with queer flat parasols; a Chinese +tea-box, in a word. The box had a lid. The lid was shut tight. But I +knew what was in that gorgeous box and I coveted it. I was very +little--I never could reach anything. There stood a chair suggestively +near the chest. I pushed the chair a little and mounted it. By +standing on tiptoe I could now reach the box. I opened it and took out +an irregular lump of sparkling sugar. I stood on the chair admiring +it. I stood too long. My grandmother came in--or was it Itke, the +housemaid?--and found me with the stolen morsel. + +I saw that I was fairly caught. How could I hope to escape my captor, +when I was obliged to turn on my stomach in order to descend safely, +thus presenting my jailer with the most tempting opportunity for +immediate chastisement? I took in the situation before my grandmother +had found her voice for horror. Did I rub my eyes with my knuckles and +whimper? I wish I could report that I was thus instantly struck with a +sense of my guilt. I was impressed only with the absolute certainty of +my impending doom, and I promptly seized on a measure of compensation. +While my captor--I really think it was a grandmother--rehearsed her +entire vocabulary of reproach, from a distance sufficient to enable +her to hurl her voice at me with the best effect, I stuffed the lump +of sugar into my mouth and munched it as fast as I could. And I had +eaten it all, and had licked my sticky lips, before the avenging rod +came down. + +I remember no similar lapses from righteousness, but I sinned in +lesser ways more times than there are years in my life. I sinned, and +more than once I escaped punishment by some trick or sly speech. I do +not mean that I lied outright, though that also I did, sometimes; but +I would twist my naughty speech, if forced to repeat it, in such an +artful manner, or give such ludicrous explanation of my naughty act, +that justice was overcome by laughter and threw me, as often as not, a +handful of raisins instead of a knotted strap. If by such successes I +was encouraged to cultivate my natural slyness and duplicity, I throw +the blame on my unwise preceptors, and am glad to be rid of the burden +for once. + +I have said that I used to lie. I recall no particular occasion when a +lie was the cause of my disgrace; but I know that it was always my +habit, when I had some trifling adventure to report, to garnish it up +with so much detail and circumstance that nobody who had witnessed my +small affair could have recognized it as the same, had I not insisted +on my version with such fervid conviction. The truth is that +everything that happened to me really loomed great and shone splendid +in my eyes, and I could not, except by conscious effort, reduce my +visions to their actual shapes and colors. If I saw a pair of geese +leading about a lazy goose girl, they went through all sorts of antics +before my eyes that fat geese are not known to indulge in. If I met +poor Blind Munye with a frown on his face, I thought that a cloud of +wrath overspread his countenance; and I ran home to relate, panting, +how narrowly I had escaped his fury. I will not pretend that I was +absolutely unconscious of my exaggerations; but if you insist, I will +say that things as I reported them might have been so, and would have +been much more interesting had they been so. + +The noble reader who never told a lie, or never confessed one, will be +shocked at these revelations of my childish depravity. What proof has +he, he will cry, that I am not lying on every page of this chronicle, +if, by my own confession, my childhood was spent in a maze of lies and +dreams? I shall say to the saint, when I am challenged, that the proof +of my conversion to veracity is engraven in his own soul. Do you not +remember, you spotless one, how you used to steal and lie and cheat +and rob? Oh, not with your own hand, of course! It was your remote +ancestor who lived by plunder, and was honored for the blood upon his +hairy hands. By and by he discovered that cunning was more effective +than violence, and less troublesome. Still later he became convinced +that the greatest cunning was virtue, and made him a moral code, and +subdued the world. Then, when you came along, stumbling through the +wilderness of cast-off errors, your wise ancestor gave you a thrust +that landed you in the clearing of modernity, at the same time +bellowing in your ear, "Now be good! It pays!" + +This is the whole history of your saintliness. But all people do not +take up life at the same point of human development. Some are backward +at birth, and have to make up, in the brief space of their individual +history, the stages they missed on their way out of the black past. +With me, for example, it actually comes to this: that I have to +recapitulate in my own experience all the slow steps of the progress +of the race. I seem to learn nothing except by the prick of life on my +own skin. I am saved from living in ignorance and dying in darkness +only by the sensitiveness of my skin. Some men learn through borrowed +experience. Shut them up in a glass tower, with an unobstructed view +of the world, and they will go through every adventure of life by +proxy, and be able to furnish you with a complete philosophy of life; +and you may safely bring up your children by it. But I am not of that +godlike organization. I am a thinking animal. Things are as important +to me as ideas. I imbibe wisdom through every pore of my body. There +are times, indeed, when the doctor in his study is less intelligible +to me than a cricket far off in the field. The earth was my mother, +the earth is my teacher. I am a dutiful pupil: I listen ever with my +ear close to her lips. It seems to me I do not know a single thing +that I did not learn, more or less directly, through the corporal +senses. As long as I have my body, I need not despair of salvation. + + +FOOTNOTES: + +[2] A piece of parchment inscribed with a passage of Scripture, rolled +in a case and tacked to the doorpost. The pious touch or kiss this +when leaving or entering a house. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +THE BOUNDARIES STRETCH + + +The long chapter of troubles which led to my father's emigration to +America began with his own illness. The doctors sent him to Courland +to consult expensive specialists, who prescribed tedious courses of +treatment. He was far from cured when my mother also fell ill, and my +father had to return to Polotzk to look after the business. + +Trouble begets trouble. After my mother took to her bed everything +continued to go wrong. The business gradually declined, as too much +money was withdrawn to pay the doctors' and apothecaries' bills; and +my father, himself in poor health, and worried about my mother, was +not successful in coping with the growing difficulties. At home, the +servants were dismissed, for the sake of economy, and all the +housework and the nursing fell on my grandmother and my sister. +Fetchke, as a result, was overworked, and fell ill of a fever. The +baby, suffering from unavoidable neglect, developed the fractious +temper of semi-illness. And by way of a climax, the old cow took it +into her head to kick my grandmother, who was laid up for a week with +a bruised leg. + +Neighbors and cousins pulled us through till grandma got up, and after +her, Fetchke. But my mother remained on her bed. Weeks, months, a year +she lay there, and half of another year. All the doctors in Polotzk +attended her in turn, and one doctor came all the way from Vitebsk. +Every country practitioner for miles around was consulted, every +quack, every old wife who knew a charm. The apothecaries ransacked +their shops for drugs the names of which they had forgotten, and kind +neighbors brought in their favorite remedies. There were midnight +prayers in the synagogue for my mother, and petitions at the graves of +her parents; and one awful night when she was near death, three pious +mothers who had never lost a child came to my mother's bedside and +bought her, for a few kopecks, for their own, so that she might gain +the protection of their luck, and so be saved. + +Still my poor mother lay on her bed, suffering and wasting. The house +assumed a look of desolation. Everybody went on tiptoe; we talked in +whispers; for weeks at a time there was no laughter in our home. The +ominous night lamp was never extinguished. We slept in our clothes +night after night, so as to wake the more easily in case of sudden +need. We watched, we waited, but we scarcely hoped. + +Once in a while I was allowed to take a short turn in the sick-room. +It was awful to sit beside my mother's bed in the still night and see +her helplessness. She had been so strong, so active. She used to lift +sacks and barrels that were heavy for a man, and now she could not +raise a spoon to her mouth. Sometimes she did not know me when I gave +her the medicine, and when she knew me, she did not care. Would she +ever care any more? She looked strange and small in the shadows of the +bed. Her hair had been cut off after the first few months; her short +curls were almost covered by the ice bag. Her cheeks were red, red, +but her hands were so white as they had never been before. In the +still night I wondered if she cared to live. + +The night lamp burned on. My father grew old. He was always figuring +on a piece of paper. We children knew the till was empty when the +silver candlesticks were taken away to be pawned. Next, superfluous +featherbeds were sold for what they would bring, and then there came a +day when grandma, with eyes blinded by tears, groped in the big +wardrobe for my mother's satin dress and velvet mantle; and after that +it did not matter any more what was taken out of the house. + +Then everything took a sudden turn. My mother began to improve, and at +the same time my father was offered a good position as superintendent +of a gristmill. + +As soon as my mother could be moved, he took us all out to the mill, +about three versts out of town, on the Polota. We had a pleasant +cottage there, with the miller's red-headed, freckled family for our +only neighbors. If our rooms were barer than they used to be, the sun +shone in at all the windows; and as the leaves on the trees grew +denser and darker, my mother grew stronger on her feet, and laughter +returned to our house as the song bird to the grove. + +We children had a very happy summer. We had never lived in the country +before, and we liked the change. It was endless fun to explore the +mill; to squeeze into forbidden places, and be pulled out by the angry +miller; to tyrannize over the mill hands, and be worshipped by them in +return; to go boating on the river, and discover unvisited nooks, and +search the woods and fields for kitchen herbs, and get lost, and be +found, a hundred times a week. And what an adventure it was to walk +the three versts into town, leaving a trail of perfume from the +wild-flower posies we carried to our city friends! + +But these things did not last. The mill changed hands, and the new +owner put a protégé of his own in my father's place. So, after a short +breathing spell, we were driven back into the swamp of growing poverty +and trouble. + +The next year or so my father spent in a restless and fruitless search +for a permanent position. My mother had another serious illness, and +his own health remained precarious. What he earned did not more than +half pay the bills in the end, though we were living very humbly now. +Polotzk seemed to reject him, and no other place invited him. + +Just at this time occurred one of the periodic anti-Semitic movements +whereby government officials were wont to clear the forbidden cities +of Jews, whom, in the intervals of slack administration of the law, +they allowed to maintain an illegal residence in places outside the +Pale, on payment of enormous bribes and at the cost of nameless risks +and indignities. + +It was a little before Passover that the cry of the hunted thrilled +the Jewish world with the familiar fear. The wholesale expulsion of +Jews from Moscow and its surrounding district at cruelly short notice +was the name of this latest disaster. Where would the doom strike +next? The Jews who lived illegally without the Pale turned their +possessions into cash and slept in their clothes, ready for immediate +flight. Those who lived in the comparative security of the Pale +trembled for their brothers and sisters without, and opened wide their +doors to afford the fugitives refuge. And hundreds of fugitives, +preceded by a wail of distress, flocked into the open district, +bringing their trouble where trouble was never absent, mingling their +tears with the tears that never dried. + +The open cities becoming thus suddenly crowded, every man's chance of +making a living was diminished in proportion to the number of +additional competitors. Hardship, acute distress, ruin for many: thus +spread the disaster, ring beyond ring, from the stone thrown by a +despotic official into the ever-full river of Jewish persecution. + +Passover was celebrated in tears that year. In the story of the Exodus +we would have read a chapter of current history, only for us there was +no deliverer and no promised land. + +But what said some of us at the end of the long service? Not "May we +be next year in Jerusalem," but "Next year--in America!" So there was +our promised land, and many faces were turned towards the West. And if +the waters of the Atlantic did not part for them, the wanderers rode +its bitter flood by a miracle as great as any the rod of Moses ever +wrought. + +My father was carried away by the westward movement, glad of his own +deliverance, but sore at heart for us whom he left behind. It was the +last chance for all of us. We were so far reduced in circumstances +that he had to travel with borrowed money to a German port, whence he +was forwarded to Boston, with a host of others, at the expense of an +emigrant aid society. + +I was about ten years old when my father emigrated. I was used to his +going away from home, and "America" did not mean much more to me than +"Kherson," or "Odessa," or any other names of distant places. I +understood vaguely, from the gravity with which his plans were +discussed, and from references to ships, societies, and other +unfamiliar things, that this enterprise was different from previous +ones; but my excitement and emotion on the morning of my father's +departure were mainly vicarious. + +I know the day when "America" as a world entirely unlike Polotzk +lodged in my brain, to become the centre of all my dreams and +speculations. Well I know the day. I was in bed, sharing the measles +with some of the other children. Mother brought us a thick letter from +father, written just before boarding the ship. The letter was full of +excitement. There was something in it besides the description of +travel, something besides the pictures of crowds of people, of foreign +cities, of a ship ready to put out to sea. My father was travelling at +the expense of a charitable organization, without means of his own, +without plans, to a strange world where he had no friends; and yet he +wrote with the confidence of a well-equipped soldier going into +battle. The rhetoric is mine. Father simply wrote that the emigration +committee was taking good care of everybody, that the weather was +fine, and the ship comfortable. But I heard something, as we read the +letter together in the darkened room, that was more than the words +seemed to say. There was an elation, a hint of triumph, such as had +never been in my father's letters before. I cannot tell how I knew it. +I felt a stirring, a straining in my father's letter. It was there, +even though my mother stumbled over strange words, even though she +cried, as women will when somebody is going away. My father was +inspired by a vision. He saw something--he promised us something. It +was this "America." And "America" became my dream. + +While it was nothing new for my father to go far from home in search +of his fortune, the circumstances in which he left us were unlike +anything we had experienced before. We had absolutely no reliable +source of income, no settled home, no immediate prospects. We hardly +knew where we belonged in the simple scheme of our society. My mother, +as a bread-winner, had nothing like her former success. Her health was +permanently impaired, her place in the business world had long been +filled by others, and there was no capital to start her anew. Her +brothers did what they could for her. They were well-to-do, but they +all had large families, with marriageable daughters and sons to be +bought out of military service. The allowance they made her was +generous compared to their means,--affection and duty could do no +more,--but there were four of us growing children, and my mother was +obliged to make every effort within her power to piece out her income. + +How quickly we came down from a large establishment, with servants and +retainers, and a place among the best in Polotzk, to a single room +hired by the week, and the humblest associations, and the averted +heads of former friends! But oftenest it was my mother who turned away +her head. She took to using the side streets to avoid the pitiful eyes +of the kind, and the scornful eyes of the haughty. Both were turned on +her as she trudged from store to store, and from house to house, +peddling tea or other ware; and both were hard to bear. Many a winter +morning she arose in the dark, to tramp three or four miles in the +gripping cold, through the dragging snow, with a pound of tea for a +distant customer; and her profit was perhaps twenty kopecks. Many a +time she fell on the ice, as she climbed the steep bank on the far +side of the Dvina, a heavy basket on each arm. More than once she +fainted at the doors of her customers, ashamed to knock as suppliant +where she had used to be received as an honored guest. I hope the +angels did not have to count the tears that fell on her frost-bitten, +aching hands as she counted her bitter earnings at night. + +And who took care of us children while my mother tramped the streets +with her basket? Why, who but Fetchke? Who but the little housewife of +twelve? Sure of our safety was my mother with Fetchke to watch; sure +of our comfort with Fetchke to cook the soup and divide the scrap of +meat and remember the next meal. Joseph was in heder all day; the baby +was a quiet little thing; Mashke was no worse than usual. But still +there was plenty to do, with order to keep in a crowded room, and the +washing, and the mending. And Fetchke did it all. She went to the +river with the women to wash the clothes, and tucked up her dress and +stood bare-legged in the water, like the rest of them, and beat and +rubbed with all her might, till our miserable rags gleamed white +again. + +And I? I usually had a cold, or a cough, or something to disable me; +and I never had any talent for housework. If I swept and sanded the +floor, polished the samovar, and ran errands, I was doing much. I +minded the baby, who did not need much minding. I was willing enough, +I suppose, but the hard things were done without my help. + +Not that I mean to belittle the part that I played in our reduced +domestic economy. Indeed, I am very particular to get all the credit +due me. I always remind my sister Deborah, who was the baby of those +humble days, that it was I who pierced her ears. Earrings were a +requisite part of a girl's toilet. Even a beggar girl must have +earrings, were they only loops of thread with glass beads. I heard my +mother bemoan the baby because she had not time to pierce her ears. +Promptly I armed myself with a coarse needle and a spool of thread, +and towed Deborah out into the woodshed. The operation was entirely +successful, though the baby was entirely ungrateful. And I am proud to +this day of the unflinching manner in which I did what I conceived to +be my duty. If Deborah chooses to go with ungarnished ears, it is her +affair; my conscience is free of all reproach. + + [Illustration: WINTER SCENE ON THE DVINA] + +I had a direct way in everything. I rushed right in--I spoke right +out. My mother sent me sometimes to deliver a package of tea, and I +was proud to help in business. One day I went across the Dvina and far +up "the other side." It was a good-sized expedition for me to make +alone, and I was not a little pleased with myself when I delivered my +package, safe and intact, into the hands of my customer. But the +storekeeper was not pleased at all. She sniffed and sniffed, she +pinched the tea, she shook it all out on the counter. + +"_Na_, take it back," she said in disgust; "this is not the tea I +always buy. It's a poorer quality." + +I knew the woman was mistaken. I was acquainted with my mother's +several grades of tea. So I spoke up manfully. + +"Oh, no," I said; "this is the tea my mother always sends you. There +is no worse tea." + +Nothing in my life ever hurt me more than that woman's answer to my +argument. She laughed--she simply laughed. But I understood, even +before she controlled herself sufficiently to make verbal remarks, +that I had spoken like a fool, had lost my mother a customer. I had +only spoken the truth, but I had not expressed it diplomatically. +That was no way to make business. + +I felt very sore to be returning home with the tea still in my hand, +but I forgot my trouble in watching a summer storm gather up the +river. The few passengers who took the boat with me looked scared as +the sky darkened, and the boatman grasped his oars very soberly. It +took my breath away to see the signs, but I liked it; and I was much +disappointed to get home dry. + +When my mother heard of my misadventure she laughed, too; but that was +different, and I was able to laugh with her. + +This is the way I helped in the housekeeping and in business. I hope +it does not appear as if I did not take our situation to heart, for I +did--in my own fashion. It was plain, even to an idle dreamer like me, +that we were living on the charity of our friends, and barely living +at that. It was plain, from my father's letters, that he was scarcely +able to support himself in America, and that there was no immediate +prospect of our joining him. I realized it all, but I considered it +temporary, and I found plenty of comfort in writing long letters to my +father--real, original letters this time, not copies of Reb' Isaiah's +model--letters which my father treasured for years. + +As an instance of what I mean by my own fashion of taking trouble to +heart, I recall the day when our household effects were attached for a +debt. We had plenty of debts, but the stern creditor who set the law +on us this time was none of ours. The claim was against a family to +whom my mother sublet two of our three rooms, furnished with her own +things. The police officers, who swooped down upon us without warning, +as was their habit, asked no questions and paid no heed to +explanations. They affixed a seal to every lame chair and cracked +pitcher in the place; aye, to every faded petticoat found hanging in +the wardrobe. These goods, comprising all our possessions and all our +tenant's, would presently be removed, to be sold at auction, for the +benefit of the creditor. + +Lame chairs and faded petticoats, when they are the last one has, have +a vital value in the owner's eyes. My mother moved about, weeping +distractedly, all the while the officers were in the house. The +frightened children cried. Our neighbors gathered to bemoan our +misfortune. And over everything was the peculiar dread which only Jews +in Russia feel when agents of the Government invade their homes. + +The fear of the moment was in my heart, as in every other heart there. +It was a horrid, oppressive fear. I retired to a quiet corner to +grapple with it. I was not given to weeping, but I must think things +out in words. I repeated to myself that the trouble was all about +money. Somebody wanted money from our tenant, who had none to give. +Our furniture was going to be sold to make this money. It was a +mistake, but then the officers would not believe my mother. Still, it +was only about money. Nobody was dead, nobody was ill. It was all +about _money_. Why, there was plenty of money in Polotzk! My own uncle +had many times as much as the creditor claimed. He could buy all our +things back, or somebody else could. What did it matter? It was only +_money_, and money was got by working, and we were all willing to +work. There was nothing gone, nothing lost, as when somebody died. +This furniture could be moved from place to place, and so could money +be moved, and nothing was lost out of the world by the transfer. +_That_ was all. If anybody-- + +Why, what do I see at the window? Breine Malke, our next-door +neighbor, is--yes, she is smuggling something out of the window! If +she is caught--! Oh, I must help! Breine Malke beckons. She wants me +to do something. I see--I understand. I must stand in the doorway, to +obstruct the view of the officers, who are all engaged in the next +room just now. I move readily to my post, but I cannot resist my +curiosity. I must look over my shoulder a last time, to see what it is +Breine Malke wants to smuggle out. + +I can scarcely stifle my laughter. Of all our earthly goods, our +neighbor has chosen for salvation a dented bandbox containing a +moth-eaten bonnet from my mother's happier days! And I laugh not only +from amusement but also from lightness of heart. For I have succeeded +in reducing our catastrophe to its simplest terms, and I find that it +is only a trifle, and no matter of life and death. + +I could not help it. That was the way it looked to me. + +I am sure I made as serious efforts as anybody to prepare myself for +life in America on the lines indicated in my father's letters. In +America, he wrote, it was no disgrace to work at a trade. Workmen and +capitalists were equal. The employer addressed the employee as _you_, +not, familiarly, as _thou_. The cobbler and the teacher had the same +title, "Mister." And all the children, boys and girls, Jews and +Gentiles, went to school! Education would be ours for the asking, and +economic independence also, as soon as we were prepared. He wanted +Fetchke and me to be taught some trade; so my sister was apprenticed +to a dressmaker and I to a milliner. + +Fetchke, of course, was successful, and I, of course, was not. My +sister managed to learn her trade, although most of the time at the +dressmaker's she had to spend in sweeping, running errands, and +minding the babies; the usual occupations of the apprentice in any +trade. + +But I--I had to be taken away from the milliner's after a couple of +months. I did try, honestly. With all my eyes I watched my mistress +build up a chimney pot of straw and things. I ripped up old bonnets +with enthusiasm. I picked up everybody's spools and thimbles, and +other far-rolling objects. I did just as I was told, for I was +determined to become a famous milliner, since America honored the +workman so. But most of the time I was sent away on errands--to the +market to buy soup greens, to the corner store to get change, and all +over town with bandboxes half as round again as I. It was winter, and +I was not very well dressed. I froze; I coughed; my mistress said I +was not of much use to her. So my mother kept me at home, and my +career as a milliner was blighted. + +This was during our last year in Russia, when I was between twelve and +thirteen years of age. I was old enough to be ashamed of my failures, +but I did not have much time to think about them, because my Uncle +Solomon took me with him to Vitebsk. + +It was not my first visit to that city. A few years before I had spent +some days there, in the care of my father's cousin Rachel, who +journeyed periodically to the capital of the province to replenish her +stock of spools and combs and like small wares, by the sale of which +she was slowly earning her dowry. + +On that first occasion, Cousin Rachel, who had developed in business +that dual conscience, one for her Jewish neighbors and one for the +Gentiles, decided to carry me without a ticket. I was so small, though +of an age to pay half-fare, that it was not difficult. I remember her +simple stratagem from beginning to end. When we approached the ticket +office she whispered to me to stoop a little, and I stooped. The +ticket agent passed me. In the car she bade me curl up in the seat, +and I curled up. She threw a shawl over me and bade me pretend to +sleep, and I pretended to sleep. I heard the conductor collect the +tickets. I knew when he was looking at me. I heard him ask my age and +I heard Cousin Rachel lie about it. I was allowed to sit up when the +conductor was gone, and I sat up and looked out of the window and saw +everything, and was perfectly, perfectly happy. I was fond of my +cousin, and I smiled at her in perfect understanding and admiration of +her cleverness in beating the railroad company. + +I knew then, as I know now, beyond a doubt, that my Uncle David's +daughter was an honorable woman. With the righteous she dealt +squarely; with the unjust, as best she could. She was in duty bound to +make all the money she could, for money was her only protection in the +midst of the enemy. Every kopeck she earned or saved was a scale in +her coat of armor. We learned this code early in life, in Polotzk; so +I was pleased with the success of our ruse on this occasion, though I +should have been horrified if I had seen Cousin Rachel cheat a Jew. + +We made our headquarters in that part of Vitebsk where my father's +numerous cousins and aunts lived, in more or less poverty, or at most +in the humblest comfort; but I was taken to my Uncle Solomon's to +spend the Sabbath. I remember a long walk, through magnificent +avenues and past splendid shops and houses and gardens. Vitebsk was a +metropolis beside provincial Polotzk; and I was very small, even +without stooping. + +Uncle Solomon lived in the better part of the city, and I found his +place very attractive. Still, after a night's sleep, I was ready for +further travel and adventures, and I set out, without a word to +anybody, to retrace my steps clear across the city. + +The way was twice as long as on the preceding day, perhaps because +such small feet set the pace, perhaps because I lingered as long as I +pleased at the shop windows. At some corners, too, I had to stop and +study my route. I do not think I was frightened at all, though I +imagine my back was very straight and my head very high all the way; +for I was well aware that I was out on an adventure. + +I did not speak to any one till I reached my Aunt Leah's; and then I +hardly had a chance to speak, I was so much hugged and laughed over +and cried over, and questioned and cross-questioned, without anybody +waiting to hear my answers. I had meant to surprise Cousin Rachel, and +I had frightened her. When she had come to Uncle Solomon's to take me +back, she found the house in an uproar, everybody frightened at my +disappearance. The neighborhood was searched, and at last messengers +were sent to Aunt Leah's. The messengers in their haste quite +overlooked me. It was their fault if they took a short cut unknown to +me. I was all the time faithfully steering by the sign of the tobacco +shop, and the shop with the jumping-jack in the window, and the garden +with the iron fence, and the sentry box opposite a drug store, and all +the rest of my landmarks, as carefully entered on my mental chart the +day before. + +All this I told my scared relatives as soon as they let me, till they +were convinced that I was not lost, nor stolen by the gypsies, nor +otherwise done away with. Cousin Rachel was so glad that she would not +have to return to Polotzk empty-handed that she would not let anybody +scold me. She made me tell over and over what I had seen on the way, +till they all laughed and praised my acuteness for seeing so much more +than they had supposed there was to see. Indeed, I was made a heroine, +which was just what I intended to be when I set out on my adventure. +And thus ended most of my unlawful escapades; I was more petted than +scolded for my insubordination. + +My second journey to Vitebsk, in the company of Uncle Solomon, I +remember as well as the first. I had been up all night, dancing at a +wedding, and had gone home only to pick up my small bundle and be +picked up, in turn, by my uncle. I was a little taller now, and had my +own ticket, like a real traveller. + +It was still early in the morning when the train pulled out of the +station, or else it was a misty day. I know the fields looked soft and +gray when we got out into the country, and the trees were blurred. I +did not want to sleep. A new day had begun--a new adventure. I would +not miss any of it. + +But the last day, so unnaturally prolonged, was entangled in the +skirts of the new. When did yesterday end? Why was not this new day +the same day continued? I looked up at my uncle, but he was smiling at +me in that amused way of his--he always seemed to be amused at me, and +he would make me talk and then laugh at me--so I did not ask my +question. Indeed, I could not formulate it, so I kept staring out on +the dim country, and thinking, and thinking; and all the while the +engine throbbed and lurched, and the wheels ground along, and I was +astonished to hear that they were keeping perfectly the time of the +last waltz I had danced at the wedding. I sang it through in my head. +Yes, that was the rhythm. The engine knew it, the whole machine +repeated it, and sent vibrations through my body that were just like +the movements of the waltz. I was so much interested in this discovery +that I forgot the problem of the Continuity of Time; and from that day +to this, whenever I have heard that waltz,--one of the sweet Danube +waltzes,--I have lived through that entire experience; the festive +night, the misty morning, the abnormal consciousness of time, as if I +had existed forever, without a break; the journey, the dim landscape, +and the tune singing itself in my head. Never can I hear that waltz +without the accompaniment of engine wheels grinding rhythmically along +speeding tracks. + +I remained in Vitebsk about six months. I do not believe I was ever +homesick during all that time. I was too happy to be homesick. The +life suited me extremely well. My life in Polotzk had grown meaner and +duller, as the family fortunes declined. For years there had been no +lessons, no pleasant excursions, no jolly gatherings with uncles and +aunts. Poverty, shadowed by pride, trampled down our simple ambitions +and simpler joys. I cannot honestly say that I was very sensitive to +our losses. I do not remember suffering because there was no jam on my +bread, and no new dress for the holidays. I do not know whether I was +hurt when some of our playmates abandoned us. I remember myself +oftener in the attitude of an onlooker, as on the occasion of the +attachment of our furniture, when I went off into a corner to think +about it. Perhaps I was not able to cling to negations. The possession +of the bread was a more absorbing fact than the loss of the jam. If I +were to read my character backwards, I ought to believe that I did +miss what I lacked in our days of privation; for I know, to my shame, +that in more recent years I have cried for jam. But I am trying not to +reason, only to remember; and from many scattered and shadowy +memories, that glimmer and fade away so fast that I cannot fix them on +this page, I form an idea, almost a conviction, that it was with me as +I say. + +However indifferent I may have been to what I had not, I was fully +alive to what I had. So when I came to Vitebsk I eagerly seized on the +many new things that I found around me; and these new impressions and +experiences affected me so much that I count that visit as an epoch in +my Russian life. + +I was very much at home in my uncle's household. I was a little afraid +of my aunt, who had a quick temper, but on the whole I liked her. She +was fair and thin and had a pretty smile in the wake of her tempers. +Uncle Solomon was an old friend. I was fond of him and he made much of +me. His fine brown eyes were full of smiles, and there always was a +pleasant smile for me, or a teasing one. + +Uncle Solomon was comparatively prosperous, so I soon forgot whatever +I had known at home of sordid cares. I do not remember that I was ever +haunted by the thought of my mother, who slaved to keep us in bread; +or of my sister, so little older than myself, who bent her little back +to a woman's work. I took up the life around me as if there were no +other life. I did not play all the time, but I enjoyed whatever work I +found because I was so happy. I helped my Cousin Dinke help her +mother with the housework. I put it this way because I think my aunt +never set me any tasks; but Dinke was glad to have me help wash dishes +and sweep and make beds. My cousin was a gentle, sweet girl, blue-eyed +and fair, and altogether attractive. She talked to me about grown-up +things, and I liked it. When her friends came to visit her she did not +mind having me about, although my skirts were so short. + +My helping hand was extended also to my smaller cousins, Mendele and +Perele. I played lotto with Mendele and let him beat me; I found him +when he was lost, and I helped him play tricks on our elders. Perele, +the baby, was at times my special charge, and I think she did not +suffer in my hands. I was a good nurse, though my methods were +somewhat original. + +Uncle Solomon was often away on business, and in his absence Cousin +Hirshel was my hero. Hirshel was only a little older than I, but he +was a pupil in the high school, and wore the student's uniform, and +knew nearly as much as my uncle, I thought. When he buckled on his +satchel of books in the morning, and strode away straight as a +soldier,--no heder boy ever walked like that,--I stood in the doorway +and worshipped his retreating steps. I met him on his return in the +late afternoon, and hung over him when he laid out his books for his +lessons. Sometimes he had long Russian pieces to commit to memory. He +would walk up and down repeating the lines out loud, and I learned as +fast as he. He would let me hold the book while he recited, and a +proud girl was I if I could correct him. + +My interest in his lessons amused him; he did not take me seriously. +He looked much like his father, and twinkled his eyes at me in the +same way and made fun of me, too. But sometimes he condescended to set +me a lesson in spelling or arithmetic,--in reading I was as good as +he,--and if I did well, he praised me and went and told the family +about it; but lest I grow too proud of my achievements, he would sit +down and do mysterious sums--I now believe it was algebra--to which I +had no clue whatever, and which duly impressed me with a sense of my +ignorance. + +There were other books in the house than school-books. The Hebrew +books, of course, were there, as in other Jewish homes; but I was no +longer devoted to the Psalms. There were a few books about in Russian +and in Yiddish, that were neither works of devotion nor of +instruction. These were story-books and poems. They were a great +surprise to me and a greater delight. I read them hungrily, all there +were--a mere handful, but to me an overwhelming treasure. Of all those +books I remember by name only "Robinson Crusoe." I think I preferred +the stories to the poems, though poetry was good to recite, walking up +and down, like Cousin Hirshel. That was my introduction to secular +literature, but I did not understand it at the time. + +When I had exhausted the books, I began on the old volumes of a +Russian periodical which I found on a shelf in my room. There was a +high stack of these paper volumes, and I was so hungry for books that +I went at them greedily, fearing that I might not get through before I +had to return to Polotzk. + +I read every spare minute of the day, and most of the night. I +scarcely ever stopped at night until my lamp burned out. Then I would +creep into bed beside Dinke, but often my head burned so from +excitement that I did not sleep at once. And no wonder. The violent +romances which rushed through the pages of that periodical were fit to +inflame an older, more sophisticated brain than mine. I must believe +that it was a thoroughly respectable magazine, because I found it in +my Uncle Solomon's house; but the novels it printed were certainly +sensational, if I dare judge from my lurid recollections. These +romances, indeed, may have had their literary qualities, which I was +too untrained to appreciate. I remember nothing but startling +adventures of strange heroes and heroines, violent catastrophes in +every chapter, beautiful maidens abducted by cruel Cossacks, inhuman +mothers who poisoned their daughters for jealousy of their lovers; and +all these unheard-of things happening in a strange world, the very +language of which was unnatural to me. I was quick enough to fix +meanings to new words, however, so keen was my interest in what I +read. Indeed, when I recall the zest with which I devoured those +fearful pages, the thrill with which I followed the heartless mother +or the abused maiden in her adventures, my heart beating in my throat +when my little lamp began to flicker; and then, myself, big-eyed and +shivery in the dark, stealing to bed like a guilty ghost,--when I +remember all this, I have an unpleasant feeling, as of one hearing of +another's debauch; and I would be glad to shake the little bony +culprit that I was then. + +My uncle was away so much of the time that I doubt if he knew how I +spent my nights. My aunt, poor hard-worked housewife, knew too little +of books to direct my reading. My cousins were not enough older than +myself to play mentors to me. Besides all this, I think it was tacitly +agreed, at my uncle's as at home, that Mashke was best let alone in +such matters. So I burnt my midnight lamp, and filled my mind with a +conglomeration of images entirely unsuited to my mental digestion; and +no one can say what they would have bred in me, besides headache and +nervousness, had they not been so soon dispelled and superseded by a +host of strong new impressions. For these readings ended with my +visit, which was closely followed by the preparations for our +emigration. + +On the whole, then, I do not feel that I was seriously harmed by my +wild reading. I have not been told that my taste was corrupted, and my +morals, I believe, have also escaped serious stricture. I would even +say that I have never been hurt by any revelation, however distorted +or untimely, that I found in books, good or poor; that I have never +read an idle book that was entirely useless; and that I have never +quite lost whatever was significant to my spirit in any book, good or +bad, even though my conscious memory can give no account of it. + +One lived, at Uncle Solomon's, not only one's own life, but the life +of all around. My uncle, when he returned after a short absence, had +stories to tell and adventures to describe; and I learned that one +might travel considerably and see things unknown even in Vitebsk, +without going as far as America. My cousins sometimes went to the +theatre, and I listened with rapture to their account of what they had +seen, and I learned the songs they had heard. Once Cousin Hirshel went +to see a giant, who exhibited himself for three kopecks, and came home +with such marvellous accounts of his astonishing proportions, and his +amazing feats of strength, that little Mendele cried for envy, and I +had to play lotto with him and let him beat me oh, so easily! till he +felt himself a man again. + +And sometimes I had adventures of my own. I explored the city to some +extent by myself, or else my cousins took me with them on their +errands. There were so many fine people to see, such wonderful shops, +such great distances to go. Once they took me to a bookstore. I saw +shelves and shelves of books, and people buying them, and taking them +away to keep. I was told that some people had in their own houses more +books than were in the store. Was not that wonderful? It was a great +city, Vitebsk; I never could exhaust its delights. + +Although I did not often think of my people at home, struggling +desperately to live while I revelled in abundance and pleasure and +excitement, I did do my little to help the family by giving lessons in +lacemaking. As this was the only time in my life that I earned money +by the work of my hands, I take care not to forget it and I like to +give an account of it. + +I was always, as I have elsewhere admitted, very clumsy with my hands, +counting five thumbs to the hand. Knitting and embroidery, at which my +sister was so clever, I could never do with any degree of skill. The +blue peacock with the red tail that I achieved in cross-stitch was not +a performance of any grace. Neither was I very much downcast at my +failures in this field; I was not an ambitious needlewoman. But when +the fad for "Russian lace" was introduced into Polotzk by a family of +sisters who had been expelled from St. Petersburg, and all feminine +Polotzk, on both sides of the Dvina, dropped knitting and crochet +needles and embroidery frames to take up pillow and bobbins, I, too, +was carried away by the novelty, and applied myself heartily to learn +the intricate art, with the result that I did master it. The Russian +sisters charged enormous fees for lessons, and made a fortune out of +the sale of patterns while they held the monopoly. Their pupils passed +on the art at reduced fees, and their pupils' pupils charged still +less; until even the humblest cottage rang with the pretty click of +the bobbins, and my Cousin Rachel sold steel pins by the ounce, +instead of by the dozen, and the women exchanged cardboard patterns +from one end of town to the other. + +My teacher, who taught me without fee, being a friend of our +prosperous days, lived "on the other side." It was winter, and many a +time I crossed the frozen river, carrying a lace pillow as big as +myself, till my hands were numb with cold. But I persisted, afraid as +I was of cold; and when I came to Vitebsk I was glad of my one +accomplishment. For Vitebsk had not yet seen "Russian lace," and I was +an acceptable teacher of the new art, though I was such a mite, +because there was no other. I taught my Cousin Dinke, of course, and I +had a number of paying pupils. I gave lessons at my pupils' homes, and +was very proud, going thus about town and being received as a person +of importance. If my feet did not reach the floor when I sat in a +chair, my hands knew their business for once; and I was such a +conscientious and enthusiastic teacher that I had the satisfaction of +seeing all my pupils execute difficult pieces before I left Vitebsk. + +I never have seen money that was half so bright to look at, half so +pretty to clink, as the money I earned by these lessons. And it was +easy to decide what to do with my wealth. I bought presents for +everybody I knew. I remember to this day the pattern of the shawl I +bought for my mother. When I came home and unpacked my treasures, I +was the proudest girl in Polotzk. + +The proudest, but not the happiest. I found my family in such a +pitiful state that all my joy was stifled by care, if only for a +while. + +Unwilling to spoil my holiday, my mother had not written me how things +had gone from bad to worse during my absence, and I was not prepared. +Fetchke met me at the station, and conducted me to a more wretched +hole than I had ever called home before. + +I went into the room alone, having been greeted outside by my mother +and brother. It was evening, and the shabbiness of the apartment was +all the gloomier for the light of a small kerosene lamp standing on +the bare deal table. At one end of the table--is this Deborah? My +little sister, dressed in an ugly gray jacket, sat motionless in the +lamplight, her fair head drooping, her little hands folded on the edge +of the table. At sight of her I grew suddenly old. It was merely that +she was a shy little girl, unbecomingly dressed, and perhaps a little +pale from underfeeding. But to me, at that moment, she was the +personification of dejection, the living symbol of the fallen family +state. + +Of course my sober mood did not last long. Even "fallen family state" +could be interpreted in terms of money--absent money--and that, as +once established, was a trifling matter. Hadn't I earned money myself? +Heaps of it! Only look at this, and this, and this that I brought from +Vitebsk, bought with my own money! No, I did not remain old. For many +years more I was a very childish child. + +Perhaps I had spent my time in Vitebsk to better advantage than at the +milliner's, from any point of view. When I returned to my native town +I _saw_ things. I saw the narrowness, the stifling narrowness, of life +in Polotzk. My books, my walks, my visits, as teacher, to many homes, +had been so many doors opening on a wider world; so many horizons, one +beyond the other. The boundaries of life had stretched, and I had +filled my lungs with the thrilling air from a great Beyond. Child +though I was, Polotzk, when I came back, was too small for me. + +And even Vitebsk, for all its peepholes into a Beyond, presently began +to shrink in my imagination, as America loomed near. My father's +letters warned us to prepare for the summons, and we lived in a quiver +of expectation. + +Not that my father had grown suddenly rich. He was so far from rich +that he was going to borrow every cent of the money for our +third-class passage; but he had a business in view which he could +carry on all the better for having the family with him; and, besides, +we were borrowing right and left anyway, and to no definite purpose. +With the children, he argued, every year in Russia was a year lost. +They should be spending the precious years in school, in learning +English, in becoming Americans. United in America, there were ten +chances of our getting to our feet again to one chance in our +scattered, aimless state. + +So at last I was going to America! Really, really going, at last! The +boundaries burst. The arch of heaven soared. A million suns shone out +for every star. The winds rushed in from outer space, roaring in my +ears, "America! America!" + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +THE EXODUS + + +On the day when our steamer ticket arrived, my mother did not go out +with her basket, my brother stayed out of heder, and my sister salted +the soup three times. I do not know what I did to celebrate the +occasion. Very likely I played tricks on Deborah, and wrote a long +letter to my father. + +Before sunset the news was all over Polotzk that Hannah Hayye had +received a steamer ticket for America. Then they began to come. Friends +and foes, distant relatives and new acquaintances, young and old, wise +and foolish, debtors and creditors, and mere neighbors,--from every +quarter of the city, from both sides of the Dvina, from over the +Polota, from nowhere,--a steady stream of them poured into our street, +both day and night, till the hour of our departure. And my mother gave +audience. Her faded kerchief halfway off her head, her black ringlets +straying, her apron often at her eyes, she received her guests in a +rainbow of smiles and tears. She was the heroine of Polotzk, and she +conducted herself appropriately. She gave her heart's thanks for the +congratulations and blessings that poured in on her; ready tears for +condolences; patient answers to monotonous questions; and handshakes +and kisses and hugs she gave gratis. + +What did they not ask, the eager, foolish, friendly people? They +wanted to handle the ticket, and mother must read them what is written +on it. How much did it cost? Was it all paid for? Were we going to +have a foreign passport or did we intend to steal across the border? +Were we not all going to have new dresses to travel in? Was it sure +that we could get koscher food on the ship? And with the questions +poured in suggestions, and solid chunks of advice were rammed in by +nimble prophecies. Mother ought to make a pilgrimage to a "Good +Jew"--say, the Rebbe of Lubavitch--to get his blessing on our journey. +She must be sure and pack her prayer books and Bible, and twenty +pounds of zwieback at the least. If they did serve trefah on the ship, +she and the four children would have to starve, unless she carried +provisions from home.--Oh, she must take all the featherbeds! +Featherbeds are scarce in America. In America they sleep on hard +mattresses, even in winter. Haveh Mirel, Yachne the dressmaker's +daughter, who emigrated to New York two years ago, wrote her mother +that she got up from childbed with sore sides, because she had no +featherbed.--Mother mustn't carry her money in a pocketbook. She must +sew it into the lining of her jacket. The policemen in Castle Garden +take all their money from the passengers as they land, unless the +travellers deny having any. + +And so on, and so on, till my poor mother was completely bewildered. +And as the day set for our departure approached, the people came +oftener and stayed longer, and rehearsed my mother in long messages +for their friends in America, praying that she deliver them promptly +on her arrival, and without fail, and might God bless her for her +kindness, and she must be sure and write them how she found their +friends. + +Hayye Dvoshe, the wig-maker, for the eleventh time repeating herself, +to my mother, still patiently attentive, thus:-- + +"Promise me, I beg you. I don't sleep nights for thinking of him. +Emigrated to America eighteen months ago, fresh and well and strong, +with twenty-five ruble in his pocket, besides his steamer ticket, with +new phylacteries, and a silk skull-cap, and a suit as good as +new,--made it only three years before,--everything respectable, there +could be nothing better;--sent one letter, how he arrived in Castle +Garden, how well he was received by his uncle's son-in-law, how he was +conducted to the baths, how they bought him an American suit, +everything good, fine, pleasant;--wrote how his relative promised him +a position in his business--a clothing merchant is he--makes +gold,--and since then not a postal card, not a word, just as if he had +vanished, as if the earth had swallowed him. _Oi, weh!_ what haven't I +imagined, what haven't I dreamed, what haven't I lamented! Already +three letters have I sent--the last one, you know, you yourself wrote +for me, Hannah Hayye, dear--and no answer. Lost, as if in the sea!" + +And after the application of a corner of her shawl to eyes and nose, +Hayye Dvoshe, continuing:-- + +"So you will go into the newspaper, and ask them what has become of my +Möshele, and if he isn't in Castle Garden, maybe he went up to +Balti-moreh,--it's in the neighborhood, you know,--and you can tell +them, for a mark, that he has a silk handkerchief with his monogram in +Russian, that his betrothed embroidered for him before the engagement +was broken. And may God grant you an easy journey, and may you arrive +in a propitious hour, and may you find your husband well, and strong, +and rich, and may you both live to lead your children to the wedding +canopy, and may America shower gold on you. Amen." + +The weeks skipped, the days took wing, an hour was a flash of thought; +so brimful of events was the interval before our departure. And no one +was more alive than I to the multiple significance of the daily drama. +My mother, full of grief at the parting from home and family and all +things dear, anxious about the journey, uncertain about the future, +but ready, as ever, to take up what new burdens awaited her; my +sister, one with our mother in every hope and apprehension; my +brother, rejoicing in his sudden release from heder; and the little +sister, vaguely excited by mysteries afoot; the uncles and aunts and +devoted neighbors, sad and solemn over their coming loss; and my +father away over in Boston, eager and anxious about us in Polotzk,--an +American citizen impatient to start his children on American +careers,--I knew the minds of every one of these, and I lived their +days and nights with them after an apish fashion of my own. + +But at bottom I was aloof from them all. What made me silent and +big-eyed was the sense of being in the midst of a tremendous +adventure. From morning till night I was all attention. I must credit +myself with some pang of parting; I certainly felt the thrill of +expectation; but keener than these was my delight in the progress of +the great adventure. It was delightful just to be myself. I rejoiced, +with the younger children, during the weeks of packing and +preparation, in the relaxation of discipline and the general +demoralization of our daily life. It was pleasant to be petted and +spoiled by favorite cousins and stuffed with belated sweets by +unfavorite ones. It was distinctly interesting to catch my mother +weeping in corner cupboards over precious rubbish that could by no +means be carried to America. It was agreeable to have my Uncle Moses +stroke my hair and regard me with affectionate eyes, while he told me +that I would soon forget him, and asked me, so coaxingly, to write him +an account of our journey. It was delicious to be notorious through +the length and breadth of Polotzk; to be stopped and questioned at +every shop-door, when I ran out to buy two kopecks' worth of butter; +to be treated with respect by my former playmates, if ever I found +time to mingle with them; to be pointed at by my enemies, as I passed +them importantly on the street. And all my delight and pride and +interest were steeped in a super-feeling, the sense that it was I, +Mashke, _I myself_, that was moving and acting in the midst of unusual +events. Now that I was sure of America, I was in no hurry to depart, +and not impatient to arrive. I was willing to linger over every detail +of our progress, and so cherish the flavor of the adventure. + +The last night in Polotzk we slept at my uncle's house, having +disposed of all our belongings, to the last three-legged stool, except +such as we were taking with us. I could go straight to the room where +I slept with my aunt that night, if I were suddenly set down in +Polotzk. But I did not really sleep. Excitement kept me awake, and my +aunt snored hideously. In the morning I was going away from Polotzk, +forever and ever. I was going on a wonderful journey. I was going to +America. How could I sleep? + +My uncle gave out a false bulletin, with the last batch that the +gossips carried away in the evening. He told them that we were not +going to start till the second day. This he did in the hope of +smuggling us quietly out, and so saving us the wear and tear of a +public farewell. But his ruse failed of success. Half of Polotzk was +at my uncle's gate in the morning, to conduct us to the railway +station, and the other half was already there before we arrived. + +The procession resembled both a funeral and a triumph. The women wept +over us, reminding us eloquently of the perils of the sea, of the +bewilderment of a foreign land, of the torments of homesickness that +awaited us. They bewailed my mother's lot, who had to tear herself +away from blood relations to go among strangers; who had to face +gendarmes, ticket agents, and sailors, unprotected by a masculine +escort; who had to care for four young children in the confusion of +travel, and very likely feed them trefah or see them starve on the +way. Or they praised her for a brave pilgrim, and expressed confidence +in her ability to cope with gendarmes and ticket agents, and blessed +her with every other word, and all but carried her in their arms. + +At the station the procession disbanded and became a mob. My uncle and +my tall cousins did their best to protect us, but we wanderers were +almost torn to pieces. They did get us into a car at last, but the +riot on the station platform continued unquelled. When the warning +bell rang out, it was drowned in a confounding babel of +voices,--fragments of the oft-repeated messages, admonitions, +lamentations, blessings, farewells. "Don't forget!"--"Take care of--" +"Keep your tickets--" "Möshele--newspapers!" "Garlick is best!" "Happy +journey!" "God help you!" "Good-bye! Good-bye!" "Remember--" + +The last I saw of Polotzk was an agitated mass of people, waving +colored handkerchiefs and other frantic bits of calico, madly +gesticulating, falling on each other's necks, gone wild altogether. +Then the station became invisible, and the shining tracks spun out +from sky to sky. I was in the middle of the great, great world, and +the longest road was mine. + + * * * * * + +Memory may take a rest while I copy from a contemporaneous document +the story of the great voyage. In accordance with my promise to my +uncle, I wrote, during my first months in America, a detailed account +of our adventures between Polotzk and Boston. Ink was cheap, and the +epistle, in Yiddish, occupied me for many hot summer hours. It was a +great disaster, therefore, to have a lamp upset on my writing-table, +when I was near the end, soaking the thick pile of letter sheets in +kerosene. I was obliged to make a fair copy for my uncle, and my +father kept the oily, smelly original. After a couple of years' +teasing, he induced me to translate the letter into English, for the +benefit of a friend who did not know Yiddish; for the benefit of the +present narrative, which was not thought of thirteen years ago. I can +hardly refrain from moralizing as I turn to the leaves of my childish +manuscript, grateful at last for the calamity of the overturned lamp. + +Our route lay over the German border, with Hamburg for our port. On +the way to the frontier we stopped for a farewell visit in Vilna, +where my mother had a brother. Vilna is slighted in my description. I +find special mention of only two things, the horse-cars and the +bookstores. + +On a gray wet morning in early April we set out for the frontier. This +was the real beginning of our journey, and all my faculties of +observation were alert. I took note of everything,--the weather, the +trains, the bustle of railroad stations, our fellow passengers, and +the family mood at every stage of our progress. + +The bags and bundles which composed our travelling outfit were much +more bulky than valuable. A trifling sum of money, the steamer ticket, +and the foreign passport were the magic agents by means of which we +hoped to span the five thousand miles of earth and water between us +and my father. The passport was supposed to pass us over the frontier +without any trouble, but on account of the prevalence of cholera in +some parts of the country, the poorer sort of travellers, such as +emigrants, were subjected, at this time, to more than ordinary +supervision and regulation. + +At Versbolovo, the last station on the Russian side, we met the first +of our troubles. A German physician and several gendarmes boarded the +train and put us through a searching examination as to our health, +destination, and financial resources. As a result of the inquisition +we were informed that we would not be allowed to cross the frontier +unless we exchanged our third-class steamer ticket for second-class, +which would require two hundred rubles more than we possessed. Our +passport was taken from us, and we were to be turned back on our +journey. + +My letter describes the situation:-- + + We were homeless, houseless, and friendless in a strange place. + We had hardly money enough to last us through the voyage for + which we had hoped and waited for three long years. We had + suffered much that the reunion we longed for might come about; + we had prepared ourselves to suffer more in order to bring it + about, and had parted with those we loved, with places that were + dear to us in spite of what we passed through in them, never + again to see them, as we were convinced--all for the same dear + end. With strong hopes and high spirits that hid the sad + parting, we had started on our long journey. And now we were + checked so unexpectedly but surely, the blow coming from where + we little expected it, being, as we believed, safe in that + quarter. When my mother had recovered enough to speak, she began + to argue with the gendarme, telling him our story and begging + him to be kind. The children were frightened and all but I + cried. I was only wondering what would happen. + +Moved by our distress, the German officers gave us the best advice +they could. We were to get out at the station of Kibart on the Russian +side, and apply to one Herr Schidorsky, who might help us on our way. + +The letter goes on:-- + + We are in Kibart, at the depot. The least important particular, + even, of that place, I noticed and remembered. How the + porter--he was an ugly, grinning man--carried in our things and + put them away in the southern corner of the big room, on the + floor; how we sat down on a settee near them, a yellow settee; + how the glass roof let in so much light that we had to shade our + eyes because the car had been dark and we had been crying; how + there were only a few people besides ourselves there, and how I + began to count them and stopped when I noticed a sign over the + head of the fifth person--a little woman with a red nose and a + pimple on it--and tried to read the German, with the aid of the + Russian translation below. I noticed all this and remembered it, + as if there were nothing else in the world for me to think of. + +The letter dwells gratefully on the kindness of Herr Schidorsky, who +became the agent of our salvation. He procured my mother a pass to +Eidtkuhnen, the German frontier station, where his older brother, as +chairman of a well-known emigrant aid association, arranged for our +admission into Germany. During the negotiations, which took several +days, the good man of Kibart entertained us in his own house, shabby +emigrants though we were. The Schidorsky brothers were Jews, but it is +not on that account that their name has been lovingly remembered for +fifteen years in my family. + +On the German side our course joined that of many other emigrant +groups, on their way to Hamburg and other ports. We were a clumsy +enough crowd, with wide, unsophisticated eyes, with awkward bundles +hugged in our arms, and our hearts set on America. + +The letter to my uncle faithfully describes every stage of our +bustling progress. Here is a sample scene of many that I recorded:-- + + There was a terrible confusion in the baggage-room where we were + directed to go. Boxes, baskets, bags, valises, and great, + shapeless things belonging to no particular class, were thrown + about by porters and other men, who sorted them and put tickets + on all but those containing provisions, while others were opened + and examined in haste. At last our turn came, and our things, + along with those of all other American-bound travellers, were + taken away to be steamed and smoked and other such processes + gone through. We were told to wait till notice should be given + us of something else to be done. + +The phrases "we were told to do this" and "told to do that" occur +again and again in my narrative, and the most effective handling of +the facts could give no more vivid picture of the proceedings. We +emigrants were herded at the stations, packed in the cars, and driven +from place to place like cattle. + + At the expected hour we all tried to find room in a car + indicated by the conductor. We tried, but could only find enough + space on the floor for our baggage, on which we made-believe + sitting comfortably. For now we were obliged to exchange the + comparative comforts of a third-class passenger train for the + certain discomforts of a fourth-class one. There were only four + narrow benches in the whole car, and about twice as many people + were already seated on these as they were probably supposed to + accommodate. All other space, to the last inch, was crowded by + passengers or their luggage. It was very hot and close and + altogether uncomfortable, and still at every new station fresh + passengers came crowding in, and actually made room, spare as it + was, for themselves. It became so terrible that all glared madly + at the conductor as he allowed more people to come into that + prison, and trembled at the announcement of every station. I + cannot see even now how the officers could allow such a thing; + it was really dangerous. + +The following is my attempt to describe a flying glimpse of a +metropolis:-- + + Towards evening we came into Berlin. I grow dizzy even now when + I think of our whirling through that city. It seemed we were + going faster and faster all the time, but it was only the whirl + of trains passing in opposite directions and close to us that + made it seem so. The sight of crowds of people such as we had + never seen before, hurrying to and fro, in and out of great + depots that danced past us, helped to make it more so. Strange + sights, splendid buildings, shops, people, and animals, all + mingled in one great, confused mass of a disposition to + continually move in a great hurry, wildly, with no other aim but + to make one's head go round and round, in following its dreadful + motions. Round and round went my head. It was nothing but + trains, depots, crowds,--crowds, depots, trains,--again and + again, with no beginning, no end, only a mad dance! Faster and + faster we go, faster still, and the noise increases with the + speed. Bells, whistles, hammers, locomotives shrieking madly, + men's voices, peddlers' cries, horses' hoofs, dogs' + barkings--all united in doing their best to drown every other + sound but their own, and made such a deafening uproar in the + attempt that nothing could keep it out. + +The plight of the bewildered emigrant on the way to foreign parts is +always pitiful enough, but for us who came from plague-ridden Russia +the terrors of the way were doubled. + + In a great lonely field, opposite a solitary house within a + large yard, our train pulled up at last, and a conductor + commanded the passengers to make haste and get out. He need not + have told us to hurry; we were glad enough to be free again + after such a long imprisonment in the uncomfortable car. All + rushed to the door. We breathed more freely in the open field, + but the conductor did not wait for us to enjoy our freedom. He + hurried us into the one large room which made up the house, and + then into the yard. Here a great many men and women, dressed in + white, received us, the women attending to the women and girls + of the passengers, and the men to the others. + + This was another scene of bewildering confusion, parents losing + their children, and little ones crying; baggage being thrown + together in one corner of the yard, heedless of contents, which + suffered in consequence; those white-clad Germans shouting + commands, always accompanied with "Quick! Quick!"--the confused + passengers obeying all orders like meek children, only + questioning now and then what was going to be done with them. + + And no wonder if in some minds stories arose of people being + captured by robbers, murderers, and the like. Here we had been + taken to a lonely place where only that house was to be seen; + our things were taken away, our friends separated from us; a man + came to inspect us, as if to ascertain our full value; + strange-looking people driving us about like dumb animals, + helpless and unresisting; children we could not see crying in a + way that suggested terrible things; ourselves driven into a + little room where a great kettle was boiling on a little stove; + our clothes taken off, our bodies rubbed with a slippery + substance that might be any bad thing; a shower of warm water + let down on us without warning; again driven to another little + room where we sit, wrapped in woollen blankets till large, + coarse bags are brought in, their contents turned out, and we + see only a cloud of steam, and hear the women's orders to dress + ourselves,--"Quick! Quick!"--or else we'll miss--something we + cannot hear. We are forced to pick out our clothes from among + all the others, with the steam blinding us; we choke, cough, + entreat the women to give us time; they persist, "Quick! + Quick!--or you'll miss the train!"--Oh, so we really won't be + murdered! They are only making us ready for the continuing of + our journey, cleaning us of all suspicions of dangerous + sickness. Thank God! + +In Polotzk, if the cholera broke out, as it did once or twice in every +generation, we made no such fuss as did these Germans. Those who died +of the sickness were buried, and those who lived ran to the synagogues +to pray. We travellers felt hurt at the way the Germans treated us. My +mother nearly died of cholera once, but she was given a new name, a +lucky one, which saved her; and that was when she was a small girl. +None of us were sick now, yet hear how we were treated! Those +gendarmes and nurses always shouted their commands at us from a +distance, as fearful of our touch as if we had been lepers. + +We arrived in Hamburg early one morning, after a long night in the +crowded cars. We were marched up to a strange vehicle, long and +narrow and high, drawn by two horses and commanded by a mute driver. +We were piled up on this wagon, our baggage was thrown after us, and +we started on a sight-seeing tour across the city of Hamburg. The +sights I faithfully enumerate for the benefit of my uncle include +little carts drawn by dogs, and big cars that run of themselves, later +identified as electric cars. + +The humorous side of our adventures did not escape me. Again and again +I come across a laugh in the long pages of the historic epistle. The +description of the ride through Hamburg ends with this:-- + + The sight-seeing was not all on our side. I noticed many people + stopping to look at us as if amused, though most passed by us as + though used to such sights. We did make a queer appearance all + in a long row, up above people's heads. In fact, we looked like + a flock of giant fowls roosting, only wide awake. + +The smiles and shivers fairly crowded each other in some parts of our +career. + + Suddenly, when everything interesting seemed at an end, we all + recollected how long it was since we had started on our funny + ride. Hours, we thought, and still the horses ran. Now we rode + through quieter streets where there were fewer shops and more + wooden houses. Still the horses seemed to have but just started. + I looked over our perch again. Something made me think of a + description I had read of criminals being carried on long + journeys in uncomfortable things--like this? Well, it was + strange--this long, long drive, the conveyance, no word of + explanation; and all, though going different ways, being packed + off together. We were strangers; the driver knew it. He might + take us anywhere--how could we tell? I was frightened again as + in Berlin. The faces around me confessed the same. + + Yes, we are frightened. We are very still. Some Polish women + over there have fallen asleep, and the rest of us look such a + picture of woe, and yet so funny, it is a sight to see and + remember. + +Our mysterious ride came to an end on the outskirts of the city, where +we were once more lined up, cross-questioned, disinfected, labelled, +and pigeonholed. This was one of the occasions when we suspected that +we were the victims of a conspiracy to extort money from us; for here, +as at every repetition of the purifying operations we had undergone, a +fee was levied on us, so much per head. My mother, indeed, seeing her +tiny hoard melting away, had long since sold some articles from our +baggage to a fellow passenger richer than she, but even so she did not +have enough money to pay the fee demanded of her in Hamburg. Her +statement was not accepted, and we all suffered the last indignity of +having our persons searched. + +This last place of detention turned out to be a prison. "Quarantine" +they called it, and there was a great deal of it--two weeks of it. Two +weeks within high brick walls, several hundred of us herded in half a +dozen compartments,--numbered compartments,--sleeping in rows, like +sick people in a hospital; with roll-call morning and night, and short +rations three times a day; with never a sign of the free world beyond +our barred windows; with anxiety and longing and homesickness in our +hearts, and in our ears the unfamiliar voice of the invisible ocean, +which drew and repelled us at the same time. The fortnight in +quarantine was not an episode; it was an epoch, divisible into eras, +periods, events. + + The greatest event was the arrival of some ship to take some of + the waiting passengers. When the gates were opened and the lucky + ones said good-bye, those left behind felt hopeless of ever + seeing the gates open for them. It was both pleasant and + painful, for the strangers grew to be fast friends in a day, and + really rejoiced in each other's fortune; but the regretful envy + could not be helped either. + +Our turn came at last. We were conducted through the gate of +departure, and after some hours of bewildering manœuvres, described +in great detail in the report to my uncle, we found ourselves--we five +frightened pilgrims from Polotzk--on the deck of a great big steamship +afloat on the strange big waters of the ocean. + +For sixteen days the ship was our world. My letter dwells solemnly on +the details of the life at sea, as if afraid to cheat my uncle of the +smallest circumstance. It does not shrink from describing the torments +of seasickness; it notes every change in the weather. A rough night is +described, when the ship pitched and rolled so that people were thrown +from their berths; days and nights when we crawled through dense fogs, +our foghorn drawing answering warnings from invisible ships. The +perils of the sea were not minimized in the imaginations of us +inexperienced voyagers. The captain and his officers ate their +dinners, smoked their pipes and slept soundly in their turns, while we +frightened emigrants turned our faces to the wall and awaited our +watery graves. + +All this while the seasickness lasted. Then came happy hours on deck, +with fugitive sunshine, birds atop the crested waves, band music and +dancing and fun. I explored the ship, made friends with officers and +crew, or pursued my thoughts in quiet nooks. It was my first +experience of the ocean, and I was profoundly moved. + + Oh, what solemn thoughts I had! How deeply I felt the greatness, + the power of the scene! The immeasurable distance from horizon + to horizon; the huge billows forever changing their shapes--now + only a wavy and rolling plain, now a chain of great mountains, + coming and going farther away; then a town in the distance, + perhaps, with spires and towers and buildings of gigantic + dimensions; and mostly a vast mass of uncertain shapes, knocking + against each other in fury, and seething and foaming in their + anger; the gray sky, with its mountains of gloomy clouds, + flying, moving with the waves, as it seemed, very near them; the + absence of any object besides the one ship; and the deep, solemn + groans of the sea, sounding as if all the voices of the world + had been turned into sighs and then gathered into that one + mournful sound--so deeply did I feel the presence of these + things, that the feeling became one of awe, both painful and + sweet, and stirring and warming, and deep and calm and grand. + + I would imagine myself all alone on the ocean, and Robinson + Crusoe was very real to me. I was alone sometimes. I was aware + of no human presence; I was conscious only of sea and sky and + something I did not understand. And as I listened to its solemn + voice, I felt as if I had found a friend, and knew that I loved + the ocean. It seemed as if it were within as well as without, + part of myself; and I wondered how I had lived without it, and + if I could ever part with it. + +And so suffering, fearing, brooding, rejoicing we crept nearer and +nearer to the coveted shore, until, on a glorious May morning, six +weeks after our departure from Polotzk, our eyes beheld the Promised +Land, and my father received us in his arms. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +THE PROMISED LAND + + +Having made such good time across the ocean, I ought to be able to +proceed no less rapidly on _terra firma_, where, after all, I am more +at home. And yet here is where I falter. Not that I hesitated, even +for the space of a breath, in my first steps in America. There was no +time to hesitate. The most ignorant immigrant, on landing proceeds to +give and receive greetings, to eat, sleep and rise, after the manner +of his own country; wherein he is corrected, admonished, and laughed +at, whether by interested friends or the most indifferent strangers; +and his American experience is thus begun. The process is spontaneous +on all sides, like the education of the child by the family circle. +But while the most stupid nursery maid is able to contribute her part +toward the result, we do not expect an analysis of the process to be +furnished by any member of the family, least of all by the engaging +infant. The philosophical maiden aunt alone, or some other witness +equally psychological and aloof, is able to trace the myriad efforts +by which the little Johnnie or Nellie acquires a secure hold on the +disjointed parts of the huge plaything, life. + +Now I was not exactly an infant when I was set down, on a May day some +fifteen years ago, in this pleasant nursery of America. I had long +since acquired the use of my faculties, and had collected some bits of +experience practical and emotional, and had even learned to give an +account of them. Still, I had very little perspective, and my +observations and comparisons were superficial. I was too much carried +away to analyze the forces that were moving me. My Polotzk I knew well +before I began to judge it and experiment with it. America was +bewilderingly strange, unimaginably complex, delightfully unexplored. +I rushed impetuously out of the cage of my provincialism and looked +eagerly about the brilliant universe. My question was, What have we +here?--not, What does this mean? That query came much later. When I +now become retrospectively introspective, I fall into the predicament +of the centipede in the rhyme, who got along very smoothly until he +was asked which leg came after which, whereupon he became so rattled +that he couldn't take a step. I know I have come on a thousand feet, +on wings, winds and American machines,--I have leaped and run and +climbed and crawled,--but to tell which step came after which I find a +puzzling matter. Plenty of maiden aunts were present during my second +infancy, in the guise of immigrant officials, school-teachers, +settlement workers, and sundry other unprejudiced and critical +observers. Their statistics I might properly borrow to fill the gaps +in my recollections, but I am prevented by my sense of harmony. The +individual, we know, is a creature unknown to the statistician, +whereas I undertook to give the personal view of everything. So I am +bound to unravel, as well as I can, the tangle of events, outer and +inner, which made up the first breathless years of my American life. + +During his three years of probation, my father had made a number of +false starts in business. His history for that period is the history +of thousands who come to America, like him, with pockets empty, hands +untrained to the use of tools, minds cramped by centuries of +repression in their native land. Dozens of these men pass under your +eyes every day, my American friend, too absorbed in their honest +affairs to notice the looks of suspicion which you cast at them, the +repugnance with which you shrink from their touch. You see them +shuffle from door to door with a basket of spools and buttons, or +bending over the sizzling irons in a basement tailor shop, or +rummaging in your ash can, or moving a pushcart from curb to curb, at +the command of the burly policeman. "The Jew peddler!" you say, and +dismiss him from your premises and from your thoughts, never dreaming +that the sordid drama of his days may have a moral that concerns you. +What if the creature with the untidy beard carries in his bosom his +citizenship papers? What if the cross-legged tailor is supporting a +boy in college who is one day going to mend your state constitution +for you? What if the ragpicker's daughters are hastening over the +ocean to teach your children in the public schools? Think, every time +you pass the greasy alien on the street, that he was born thousands of +years before the oldest native American; and he may have something to +communicate to you, when you two shall have learned a common language. +Remember that his very physiognomy is a cipher the key to which it +behooves you to search for most diligently. + + * * * * * + +By the time we joined my father, he had surveyed many avenues of +approach toward the coveted citadel of fortune. One of these, +heretofore untried, he now proposed to essay, armed with new courage, +and cheered on by the presence of his family. In partnership with an +energetic little man who had an English chapter in his history, he +prepared to set up a refreshment booth on Crescent Beach. But while he +was completing arrangements at the beach we remained in town, where we +enjoyed the educational advantages of a thickly populated +neighborhood; namely, Wall Street, in the West End of Boston. + +Anybody who knows Boston knows that the West and North Ends are the +wrong ends of that city. They form the tenement district, or, in the +newer phrase, the slums of Boston. Anybody who is acquainted with the +slums of any American metropolis knows that that is the quarter where +poor immigrants foregather, to live, for the most part, as unkempt, +half-washed, toiling, unaspiring foreigners; pitiful in the eyes of +social missionaries, the despair of boards of health, the hope of ward +politicians, the touchstone of American democracy. The well-versed +metropolitan knows the slums as a sort of house of detention for poor +aliens, where they live on probation till they can show a certificate +of good citizenship. + +He may know all this and yet not guess how Wall Street, in the West +End, appears in the eyes of a little immigrant from Polotzk. What +would the sophisticated sight-seer say about Union Place, off Wall +Street, where my new home waited for me? He would say that it is no +place at all, but a short box of an alley. Two rows of three-story +tenements are its sides, a stingy strip of sky is its lid, a littered +pavement is the floor, and a narrow mouth its exit. + +But I saw a very different picture on my introduction to Union Place. +I saw two imposing rows of brick buildings, loftier than any dwelling +I had ever lived in. Brick was even on the ground for me to tread on, +instead of common earth or boards. Many friendly windows stood open, +filled with uncovered heads of women and children. I thought the +people were interested in us, which was very neighborly. I looked up +to the topmost row of windows, and my eyes were filled with the May +blue of an American sky! + +In our days of affluence in Russia we had been accustomed to +upholstered parlors, embroidered linen, silver spoons and +candlesticks, goblets of gold, kitchen shelves shining with copper and +brass. We had featherbeds heaped halfway to the ceiling; we had +clothes presses dusky with velvet and silk and fine woollen. The three +small rooms into which my father now ushered us, up one flight of +stairs, contained only the necessary beds, with lean mattresses; a few +wooden chairs; a table or two; a mysterious iron structure, which +later turned out to be a stove; a couple of unornamental kerosene +lamps; and a scanty array of cooking-utensils and crockery. And yet we +were all impressed with our new home and its furniture. It was not +only because we had just passed through our seven lean years, cooking +in earthen vessels, eating black bread on holidays and wearing cotton; +it was chiefly because these wooden chairs and tin pans were American +chairs and pans that they shone glorious in our eyes. And if there was +anything lacking for comfort or decoration we expected it to be +presently supplied--at least, we children did. Perhaps my mother +alone, of us newcomers, appreciated the shabbiness of the little +apartment, and realized that for her there was as yet no laying down +of the burden of poverty. + +Our initiation into American ways began with the first step on the new +soil. My father found occasion to instruct or correct us even on +the way from the pier to Wall Street, which journey we made crowded +together in a rickety cab. He told us not to lean out of the windows, +not to point, and explained the word "greenhorn." We did not want to +be "greenhorns," and gave the strictest attention to my father's +instructions. I do not know when my parents found opportunity to +review together the history of Polotzk in the three years past, for we +children had no patience with the subject; my mother's narrative was +constantly interrupted by irrelevant questions, interjections, and +explanations. + + [Illustration: UNION PLACE (BOSTON) WHERE MY NEW HOME WAITED + FOR ME] + +The first meal was an object lesson of much variety. My father +produced several kinds of food, ready to eat, without any cooking, +from little tin cans that had printing all over them. He attempted to +introduce us to a queer, slippery kind of fruit, which he called +"banana," but had to give it up for the time being. After the meal, he +had better luck with a curious piece of furniture on runners, which he +called "rocking-chair." There were five of us newcomers, and we found +five different ways of getting into the American machine of perpetual +motion, and as many ways of getting out of it. One born and bred to +the use of a rocking-chair cannot imagine how ludicrous people can +make themselves when attempting to use it for the first time. We +laughed immoderately over our various experiments with the novelty, +which was a wholesome way of letting off steam after the unusual +excitement of the day. + +In our flat we did not think of such a thing as storing the coal in +the bathtub. There was no bathtub. So in the evening of the first day +my father conducted us to the public baths. As we moved along in a +little procession, I was delighted with the illumination of the +streets. So many lamps, and they burned until morning, my father +said, and so people did not need to carry lanterns. In America, then, +everything was free, as we had heard in Russia. Light was free; the +streets were as bright as a synagogue on a holy day. Music was free; +we had been serenaded, to our gaping delight, by a brass band of many +pieces, soon after our installation on Union Place. + +Education was free. That subject my father had written about +repeatedly, as comprising his chief hope for us children, the essence +of American opportunity, the treasure that no thief could touch, not +even misfortune or poverty. It was the one thing that he was able to +promise us when he sent for us; surer, safer than bread or shelter. On +our second day I was thrilled with the realization of what this +freedom of education meant. A little girl from across the alley came +and offered to conduct us to school. My father was out, but we five +between us had a few words of English by this time. We knew the word +school. We understood. This child, who had never seen us till +yesterday, who could not pronounce our names, who was not much better +dressed than we, was able to offer us the freedom of the schools of +Boston! No application made, no questions asked, no examinations, +rulings, exclusions; no machinations, no fees. The doors stood open +for every one of us. The smallest child could show us the way. + +This incident impressed me more than anything I had heard in advance +of the freedom of education in America. It was a concrete +proof--almost the thing itself. One had to experience it to understand +it. + +It was a great disappointment to be told by my father that we were not +to enter upon our school career at once. It was too near the end of +the term, he said, and we were going to move to Crescent Beach in a +week or so. We had to wait until the opening of the schools in +September. What a loss of precious time--from May till September! + +Not that the time was really lost. Even the interval on Union Place +was crowded with lessons and experiences. We had to visit the stores +and be dressed from head to foot in American clothing; we had to learn +the mysteries of the iron stove, the washboard, and the speaking-tube; +we had to learn to trade with the fruit peddler through the window, +and not to be afraid of the policeman; and, above all, we had to learn +English. + +The kind people who assisted us in these important matters form a +group by themselves in the gallery of my friends. If I had never seen +them from those early days till now, I should still have remembered +them with gratitude. When I enumerate the long list of my American +teachers, I must begin with those who came to us on Wall Street and +taught us our first steps. To my mother, in her perplexity over the +cookstove, the woman who showed her how to make the fire was an angel +of deliverance. A fairy godmother to us children was she who led us to +a wonderful country called "uptown," where, in a dazzlingly beautiful +palace called a "department store," we exchanged our hateful homemade +European costumes, which pointed us out as "greenhorns" to the +children on the street, for real American machine-made garments, and +issued forth glorified in each other's eyes. + +With our despised immigrant clothing we shed also our impossible +Hebrew names. A committee of our friends, several years ahead of us in +American experience, put their heads together and concocted American +names for us all. Those of our real names that had no pleasing +American equivalents they ruthlessly discarded, content if they +retained the initials. My mother, possessing a name that was not +easily translatable, was punished with the undignified nickname of +Annie. Fetchke, Joseph, and Deborah issued as Frieda, Joseph, and +Dora, respectively. As for poor me, I was simply cheated. The name +they gave me was hardly new. My Hebrew name being Maryashe in full, +Mashke for short, Russianized into Marya (_Mar-ya_), my friends said +that it would hold good in English as _Mary_; which was very +disappointing, as I longed to possess a strange-sounding American name +like the others. + +I am forgetting the consolation I had, in this matter of names, from +the use of my surname, which I have had no occasion to mention until +now. I found on my arrival that my father was "Mr. Antin" on the +slightest provocation, and not, as in Polotzk, on state occasions +alone. And so I was "Mary Antin," and I felt very important to answer +to such a dignified title. It was just like America that even plain +people should wear their surnames on week days. + +As a family we were so diligent under instruction, so adaptable, and +so clever in hiding our deficiencies, that when we made the journey to +Crescent Beach, in the wake of our small wagon-load of household +goods, my father had very little occasion to admonish us on the way, +and I am sure he was not ashamed of us. So much we had achieved toward +our Americanization during the two weeks since our landing. + +Crescent Beach is a name that is printed in very small type on the +maps of the environs of Boston, but a life-size strip of sand curves +from Winthrop to Lynn; and that is historic ground in the annals of my +family. The place is now a popular resort for holiday crowds, and is +famous under the name of Revere Beach. When the reunited Antins made +their stand there, however, there were no boulevards, no stately +bath-houses, no hotels, no gaudy amusement places, no illuminations, +no showmen, no tawdry rabble. There was only the bright clean sweep of +sand, the summer sea, and the summer sky. At high tide the whole +Atlantic rushed in, tossing the seaweeds in his mane; at low tide he +rushed out, growling and gnashing his granite teeth. Between tides a +baby might play on the beach, digging with pebbles and shells, till it +lay asleep on the sand. The whole sun shone by day, troops of stars by +night, and the great moon in its season. + +Into this grand cycle of the seaside day I came to live and learn and +play. A few people came with me, as I have already intimated; but the +main thing was that _I_ came to live on the edge of the sea--I, who +had spent my life inland, believing that the great waters of the world +were spread out before me in the Dvina. My idea of the human world had +grown enormously during the long journey; my idea of the earth had +expanded with every day at sea; my idea of the world outside the earth +now budded and swelled during my prolonged experience of the wide and +unobstructed heavens. + +Not that I got any inkling of the conception of a multiple world. I +had had no lessons in cosmogony, and I had no spontaneous revelation +of the true position of the earth in the universe. For me, as for my +fathers, the sun set and rose, and I did not feel the earth rushing +through space. But I lay stretched out in the sun, my eyes level with +the sea, till I seemed to be absorbed bodily by the very materials of +the world around me; till I could not feel my hand as separate from +the warm sand in which it was buried. Or I crouched on the beach at +full moon, wondering, wondering, between the two splendors of the sky +and the sea. Or I ran out to meet the incoming storm, my face full in +the wind, my being a-tingle with an awesome delight to the tips of my +fog-matted locks flying behind; and stood clinging to some stake or +upturned boat, shaken by the roar and rumble of the waves. So +clinging, I pretended that I was in danger, and was deliciously +frightened; I held on with both hands, and shook my head, exulting in +the tumult around me, equally ready to laugh or sob. Or else I sat, on +the stillest days, with my back to the sea, not looking at all, but +just listening to the rustle of the waves on the sand; not thinking at +all, but just breathing with the sea. + +Thus courting the influence of sea and sky and variable weather, I was +bound to have dreams, hints, imaginings. It was no more than this, +perhaps: that the world as I knew it was not large enough to contain +all that I saw and felt; that the thoughts that flashed through my +mind, not half understood, unrelated to my utterable thoughts, +concerned something for which I had as yet no name. Every imaginative +growing child has these flashes of intuition, especially one that +becomes intimate with some one aspect of nature. With me it was the +growing time, that idle summer by the sea, and I grew all the faster +because I had been so cramped before. My mind, too, had so recently +been worked upon by the impressive experience of a change of country +that I was more than commonly alive to impressions, which are the +seeds of ideas. + +Let no one suppose that I spent my time entirely, or even chiefly, in +inspired solitude. By far the best part of my day was spent in +play--frank, hearty, boisterous play, such as comes natural to +American children. In Polotzk I had already begun to be considered too +old for play, excepting set games or organized frolics. Here I found +myself included with children who still played, and I willingly +returned to childhood. There were plenty of playfellows. My father's +energetic little partner had a little wife and a large family. He kept +them in the little cottage next to ours; and that the shanty survived +the tumultuous presence of that brood is a wonder to me to-day. The +young Wilners included an assortment of boys, girls, and twins, of +every possible variety of age, size, disposition, and sex. They +swarmed in and out of the cottage all day long, wearing the door-sill +hollow, and trampling the ground to powder. They swung out of windows +like monkeys, slid up the roof like flies, and shot out of trees like +fowls. Even a small person like me couldn't go anywhere without being +run over by a Wilner; and I could never tell which Wilner it was +because none of them ever stood still long enough to be identified; +and also because I suspected that they were in the habit of +interchanging conspicuous articles of clothing, which was very +confusing. + +You would suppose that the little mother must have been utterly lost, +bewildered, trodden down in this horde of urchins; but you are +mistaken. Mrs. Wilner was a positively majestic little person. She +ruled her brood with the utmost coolness and strictness. She had even +the biggest boy under her thumb, frequently under her palm. If they +enjoyed the wildest freedom outdoors, indoors the young Wilners lived +by the clock. And so at five o'clock in the evening, on seven days in +the week, my father's partner's children could be seen in two long +rows around the supper table. You could tell them apart on this +occasion, because they all had their faces washed. And this is the +time to count them: there are twelve little Wilners at table. + +I managed to retain my identity in this multitude somehow, and while I +was very much impressed with their numbers, I even dared to pick and +choose my friends among the Wilners. One or two of the smaller boys I +liked best of all, for a game of hide-and-seek or a frolic on the +beach. We played in the water like ducks, never taking the trouble to +get dry. One day I waded out with one of the boys, to see which of us +dared go farthest. The tide was extremely low, and we had not wet our +knees when we began to look back to see if familiar objects were still +in sight. I thought we had been wading for hours, and still the water +was so shallow and quiet. My companion was marching straight ahead, so +I did the same. Suddenly a swell lifted us almost off our feet, and we +clutched at each other simultaneously. There was a lesser swell, and +little waves began to run, and a sigh went up from the sea. The tide +was turning--perhaps a storm was on the way--and we were miles, +dreadful miles from dry land. + +Boy and girl turned without a word, four determined bare legs +ploughing through the water, four scared eyes straining toward the +land. Through an eternity of toil and fear they kept dumbly on, death +at their heels, pride still in their hearts. At last they reach +high-water mark--six hours before full tide. + +Each has seen the other afraid, and each rejoices in the knowledge. +But only the boy is sure of his tongue. + +"You was scared, warn't you?" he taunts. + +The girl understands so much, and is able to reply:-- + +"You can schwimmen, I not." + +"Betcher life I can schwimmen," the other mocks. + +And the girl walks off, angry and hurt. + +"An' I can walk on my hands," the tormentor calls after her. "Say, you +greenhorn, why don'tcher look?" + +The girl keeps straight on, vowing that she would never walk with that +rude boy again, neither by land nor sea, not even though the waters +should part at his bidding. + +I am forgetting the more serious business which had brought us to +Crescent Beach. While we children disported ourselves like mermaids +and mermen in the surf, our respective fathers dispensed cold +lemonade, hot peanuts, and pink popcorn, and piled up our respective +fortunes, nickel by nickel, penny by penny. I was very proud of my +connection with the public life of the beach. I admired greatly our +shining soda fountain, the rows of sparkling glasses, the pyramids of +oranges, the sausage chains, the neat white counter, and the bright +array of tin spoons. It seemed to me that none of the other +refreshment stands on the beach--there were a few--were half so +attractive as ours. I thought my father looked very well in a long +white apron and shirt sleeves. He dished out ice cream with +enthusiasm, so I supposed he was getting rich. It never occurred to me +to compare his present occupation with the position for which he had +been originally destined; or if I thought about it, I was just as well +content, for by this time I had by heart my father's saying, "America +is not Polotzk." All occupations were respectable, all men were equal, +in America. + +If I admired the soda fountain and the sausage chains, I almost +worshipped the partner, Mr. Wilner. I was content to stand for an hour +at a time watching him make potato chips. In his cook's cap and apron, +with a ladle in his hand and a smile on his face, he moved about with +the greatest agility, whisking his raw materials out of nowhere, +dipping into his bubbling kettle with a flourish, and bringing forth +the finished product with a caper. Such potato chips were not to be had +anywhere else on Crescent Beach. Thin as tissue paper, crisp as dry +snow, and salt as the sea--such thirst-producing, lemonade-selling, +nickel-bringing potato chips only Mr. Wilner could make. On holidays, +when dozens of family parties came out by every train from town, he +could hardly keep up with the demand for his potato chips. And with a +waiting crowd around him our partner was at his best. He was as voluble +as he was skilful, and as witty as he was voluble; at least so I +guessed from the laughter that frequently drowned his voice. I could +not understand his jokes, but if I could get near enough to watch his +lips and his smile and his merry eyes, I was happy. That any one could +talk so fast, and in English, was marvel enough, but that this prodigy +should belong to _our_ establishment was a fact to thrill me. I had +never seen anything like Mr. Wilner, except a wedding jester; but then +he spoke common Yiddish. So proud was I of the talent and good taste +displayed at our stand that if my father beckoned to me in the crowd +and sent me on an errand, I hoped the people noticed that I, too, was +connected with the establishment. + +And all this splendor and glory and distinction came to a sudden end. +There was some trouble about a license--some fee or fine--there was a +storm in the night that damaged the soda fountain and other +fixtures--there was talk and consultation between the houses of Antin +and Wilner--and the promising partnership was dissolved. No more would +the merry partner gather the crowd on the beach; no more would the +twelve young Wilners gambol like mermen and mermaids in the surf. And +the less numerous tribe of Antin must also say farewell to the jolly +seaside life; for men in such humble business as my father's carry +their families, along with their other earthly goods, wherever they +go, after the manner of the gypsies. We had driven a feeble stake into +the sand. The jealous Atlantic, in conspiracy with the Sunday law, had +torn it out. We must seek our luck elsewhere. + +In Polotzk we had supposed that "America" was practically synonymous +with "Boston." When we landed in Boston, the horizon was pushed back, +and we annexed Crescent Beach. And now, espying other lands of +promise, we took possession of the province of Chelsea, in the name of +our necessity. + +In Chelsea, as in Boston, we made our stand in the wrong end of the +town. Arlington Street was inhabited by poor Jews, poor Negroes, and a +sprinkling of poor Irish. The side streets leading from it were +occupied by more poor Jews and Negroes. It was a proper locality for a +man without capital to do business. My father rented a tenement with a +store in the basement. He put in a few barrels of flour and of sugar, +a few boxes of crackers, a few gallons of kerosene, an assortment of +soap of the "save the coupon" brands; in the cellar, a few barrels of +potatoes, and a pyramid of kindling-wood; in the showcase, an alluring +display of penny candy. He put out his sign, with a gilt-lettered +warning of "Strictly Cash," and proceeded to give credit +indiscriminately. That was the regular way to do business on Arlington +Street. My father, in his three years' apprenticeship, had learned the +tricks of many trades. He knew when and how to "bluff." The legend of +"Strictly Cash" was a protection against notoriously irresponsible +customers; while none of the "good" customers, who had a record for +paying regularly on Saturday, hesitated to enter the store with empty +purses. + +If my father knew the tricks of the trade, my mother could be counted +on to throw all her talent and tact into the business. Of course she +had no English yet, but as she could perform the acts of weighing, +measuring, and mental computation of fractions mechanically, she was +able to give her whole attention to the dark mysteries of the +language, as intercourse with her customers gave her opportunity. In +this she made such rapid progress that she soon lost all sense of +disadvantage, and conducted herself behind the counter very much as if +she were back in her old store in Polotzk. It was far more cosey than +Polotzk--at least, so it seemed to me; for behind the store was the +kitchen, where, in the intervals of slack trade, she did her cooking +and washing. Arlington Street customers were used to waiting while the +storekeeper salted the soup or rescued a loaf from the oven. + +Once more Fortune favored my family with a thin little smile, and my +father, in reply to a friendly inquiry, would say, "One makes a +living," with a shrug of the shoulders that added "but nothing to boast +of." It was characteristic of my attitude toward bread-and-butter +matters that this contented me, and I felt free to devote myself to the +conquest of my new world. Looking back to those critical first years, +I see myself always behaving like a child let loose in a garden to play +and dig and chase the butterflies. Occasionally, indeed, I was stung by +the wasp of family trouble; but I knew a healing ointment--my faith in +America. My father had come to America to make a living. America, which +was free and fair and kind, must presently yield him what he sought. I +had come to America to see a new world, and I followed my own ends with +the utmost assiduity; only, as I ran out to explore, I would look back +to see if my house were in order behind me--if my family still kept its +head above water. + +In after years, when I passed as an American among Americans, if I was +suddenly made aware of the past that lay forgotten,--if a letter from +Russia, or a paragraph in the newspaper, or a conversation overheard +in the street-car, suddenly reminded me of what I might have been,--I +thought it miracle enough that I, Mashke, the granddaughter of Raphael +the Russian, born to a humble destiny, should be at home in an +American metropolis, be free to fashion my own life, and should dream +my dreams in English phrases. But in the beginning my admiration was +spent on more concrete embodiments of the splendors of America; such +as fine houses, gay shops, electric engines and apparatus, public +buildings, illuminations, and parades. My early letters to my Russian +friends were filled with boastful descriptions of these glories of my +new country. No native citizen of Chelsea took such pride and delight +in its institutions as I did. It required no fife and drum corps, no +Fourth of July procession, to set me tingling with patriotism. Even +the common agents and instruments of municipal life, such as the +letter carrier and the fire engine, I regarded with a measure of +respect. I know what I thought of people who said that Chelsea was a +very small, dull, unaspiring town, with no discernible excuse for a +separate name or existence. + +The apex of my civic pride and personal contentment was reached on the +bright September morning when I entered the public school. That day I +must always remember, even if I live to be so old that I cannot tell +my name. To most people their first day at school is a memorable +occasion. In my case the importance of the day was a hundred times +magnified, on account of the years I had waited, the road I had come, +and the conscious ambitions I entertained. + +I am wearily aware that I am speaking in extreme figures, in +superlatives. I wish I knew some other way to render the mental life +of the immigrant child of reasoning age. I may have been ever so much +an exception in acuteness of observation, powers of comparison, and +abnormal self-consciousness; none the less were my thoughts and +conduct typical of the attitude of the intelligent immigrant child +toward American institutions. And what the child thinks and feels is a +reflection of the hopes, desires, and purposes of the parents who +brought him overseas, no matter how precocious and independent the +child may be. Your immigrant inspectors will tell you what poverty the +foreigner brings in his baggage, what want in his pockets. Let the +overgrown boy of twelve, reverently drawing his letters in the baby +class, testify to the noble dreams and high ideals that may be hidden +beneath the greasy caftan of the immigrant. Speaking for the Jews, at +least, I know I am safe in inviting such an investigation. + +Who were my companions on my first day at school? Whose hand was in +mine, as I stood, overcome with awe, by the teacher's desk, and +whispered my name as my father prompted? Was it Frieda's steady, +capable hand? Was it her loyal heart that throbbed, beat for beat with +mine, as it had done through all our childish adventures? Frieda's +heart did throb that day, but not with my emotions. My heart pulsed +with joy and pride and ambition; in her heart longing fought with +abnegation. For I was led to the schoolroom, with its sunshine and its +singing and the teacher's cheery smile; while she was led to the +workshop, with its foul air, care-lined faces, and the foreman's stern +command. Our going to school was the fulfilment of my father's best +promises to us, and Frieda's share in it was to fashion and fit the +calico frocks in which the baby sister and I made our first appearance +in a public schoolroom. + +I remember to this day the gray pattern of the calico, so +affectionately did I regard it as it hung upon the wall--my +consecration robe awaiting the beatific day. And Frieda, I am sure, +remembers it, too, so longingly did she regard it as the crisp, +starchy breadths of it slid between her fingers. But whatever were her +longings, she said nothing of them; she bent over the sewing-machine +humming an Old-World melody. In every straight, smooth seam, perhaps, +she tucked away some lingering impulse of childhood; but she matched +the scrolls and flowers with the utmost care. If a sudden shock of +rebellion made her straighten up for an instant, the next instant she +was bending to adjust a ruffle to the best advantage. And when the +momentous day arrived, and the little sister and I stood up to be +arrayed, it was Frieda herself who patted and smoothed my stiff new +calico; who made me turn round and round, to see that I was perfect; +who stooped to pull out a disfiguring basting-thread. If there was +anything in her heart besides sisterly love and pride and good-will, +as we parted that morning, it was a sense of loss and a woman's +acquiescence in her fate; for we had been close friends, and now our +ways would lie apart. Longing she felt, but no envy. She did not +grudge me what she was denied. Until that morning we had been children +together, but now, at the fiat of her destiny, she became a woman, +with all a woman's cares; whilst I, so little younger than she, was +bidden to dance at the May festival of untroubled childhood. + +I wish, for my comfort, that I could say that I had some notion of the +difference in our lots, some sense of the injustice to her, of the +indulgence to me. I wish I could even say that I gave serious thought +to the matter. There had always been a distinction between us rather +out of proportion to the difference in our years. Her good health and +domestic instincts had made it natural for her to become my mother's +right hand, in the years preceding the emigration, when there were no +more servants or dependents. Then there was the family tradition that +Mary was the quicker, the brighter of the two, and that hers could be +no common lot. Frieda was relied upon for help, and her sister for +glory. And when I failed as a milliner's apprentice, while Frieda made +excellent progress at the dressmaker's, our fates, indeed, were +sealed. It was understood, even before we reached Boston, that she +would go to work and I to school. In view of the family prejudices, it +was the inevitable course. No injustice was intended. My father sent +us hand in hand to school, before he had ever thought of America. If, +in America, he had been able to support his family unaided, it would +have been the culmination of his best hopes to see all his children at +school, with equal advantages at home. But when he had done his best, +and was still unable to provide even bread and shelter for us all, he +was compelled to make us children self-supporting as fast as it was +practicable. There was no choosing possible; Frieda was the oldest, +the strongest, the best prepared, and the only one who was of legal +age to be put to work. + +My father has nothing to answer for. He divided the world between his +children in accordance with the laws of the country and the compulsion +of his circumstances. I have no need of defending him. It is myself +that I would like to defend, and I cannot. I remember that I accepted +the arrangements made for my sister and me without much reflection, +and everything that was planned for my advantage I took as a matter of +course. I was no heartless monster, but a decidedly self-centred +child. If my sister had seemed unhappy it would have troubled me; but +I am ashamed to recall that I did not consider how little it was that +contented her. I was so preoccupied with my own happiness that I did +not half perceive the splendid devotion of her attitude towards me, +the sweetness of her joy in my good luck. She not only stood by +approvingly when I was helped to everything; she cheerfully waited on +me herself. And I took everything from her hand as if it were my due. + +The two of us stood a moment in the doorway of the tenement house on +Arlington Street, that wonderful September morning when I first went +to school. It was I that ran away, on winged feet of joy and +expectation; it was she whose feet were bound in the treadmill of +daily toil. And I was so blind that I did not see that the glory lay +on her, and not on me. + + * * * * * + +Father himself conducted us to school. He would not have delegated +that mission to the President of the United States. He had awaited the +day with impatience equal to mine, and the visions he saw as he +hurried us over the sun-flecked pavements transcended all my dreams. +Almost his first act on landing on American soil, three years before, +had been his application for naturalization. He had taken the +remaining steps in the process with eager promptness, and at the +earliest moment allowed by the law, he became a citizen of the United +States. It is true that he had left home in search of bread for his +hungry family, but he went blessing the necessity that drove him to +America. The boasted freedom of the New World meant to him far more +than the right to reside, travel, and work wherever he pleased; it +meant the freedom to speak his thoughts, to throw off the shackles of +superstition, to test his own fate, unhindered by political or +religious tyranny. He was only a young man when he landed--thirty-two; +and most of his life he had been held in leading-strings. He was +hungry for his untasted manhood. + +Three years passed in sordid struggle and disappointment. He was not +prepared to make a living even in America, where the day laborer eats +wheat instead of rye. Apparently the American flag could not protect +him against the pursuing Nemesis of his limitations; he must expiate +the sins of his fathers who slept across the seas. He had been endowed +at birth with a poor constitution, a nervous, restless temperament, +and an abundance of hindering prejudices. In his boyhood his body was +starved, that his mind might be stuffed with useless learning. In his +youth this dearly gotten learning was sold, and the price was the +bread and salt which he had not been trained to earn for himself. +Under the wedding canopy he was bound for life to a girl whose +features were still strange to him; and he was bidden to multiply +himself, that sacred learning might be perpetuated in his sons, to the +glory of the God of his fathers. All this while he had been led about +as a creature without a will, a chattel, an instrument. In his +maturity he awoke, and found himself poor in health, poor in purse, +poor in useful knowledge, and hampered on all sides. At the first nod +of opportunity he broke away from his prison, and strove to atone for +his wasted youth by a life of useful labor; while at the same time he +sought to lighten the gloom of his narrow scholarship by freely +partaking of modern ideas. But his utmost endeavor still left him far +from his goal. In business, nothing prospered with him. Some fault of +hand or mind or temperament led him to failure where other men found +success. Wherever the blame for his disabilities be placed, he reaped +their bitter fruit. "Give me bread!" he cried to America. "What will +you do to earn it?" the challenge came back. And he found that he was +master of no art, of no trade; that even his precious learning was of +no avail, because he had only the most antiquated methods of +communicating it. + +So in his primary quest he had failed. There was left him the +compensation of intellectual freedom. That he sought to realize in +every possible way. He had very little opportunity to prosecute his +education, which, in truth, had never been begun. His struggle for a +bare living left him no time to take advantage of the public evening +school; but he lost nothing of what was to be learned through reading, +through attendance at public meetings, through exercising the rights +of citizenship. Even here he was hindered by a natural inability to +acquire the English language. In time, indeed, he learned to read, to +follow a conversation or lecture; but he never learned to write +correctly, and his pronunciation remains extremely foreign to this +day. + +If education, culture, the higher life were shining things to be +worshipped from afar, he had still a means left whereby he could draw +one step nearer to them. He could send his children to school, to +learn all those things that he knew by fame to be desirable. The +common school, at least, perhaps high school; for one or two, perhaps +even college! His children should be students, should fill his house +with books and intellectual company; and thus he would walk by proxy +in the Elysian Fields of liberal learning. As for the children +themselves, he knew no surer way to their advancement and happiness. + +So it was with a heart full of longing and hope that my father led us +to school on that first day. He took long strides in his eagerness, +the rest of us running and hopping to keep up. + +At last the four of us stood around the teacher's desk; and my father, +in his impossible English, gave us over in her charge, with some +broken word of his hopes for us that his swelling heart could no +longer contain. I venture to say that Miss Nixon was struck by +something uncommon in the group we made, something outside of Semitic +features and the abashed manner of the alien. My little sister was as +pretty as a doll, with her clear pink-and-white face, short golden +curls, and eyes like blue violets when you caught them looking up. My +brother might have been a girl, too, with his cherubic contours of +face, rich red color, glossy black hair, and fine eyebrows. Whatever +secret fears were in his heart, remembering his former teachers, who +had taught with the rod, he stood up straight and uncringing before +the American teacher, his cap respectfully doffed. Next to him stood a +starved-looking girl with eyes ready to pop out, and short dark curls +that would not have made much of a wig for a Jewish bride. + +All three children carried themselves rather better than the common +run of "green" pupils that were brought to Miss Nixon. But the figure +that challenged attention to the group was the tall, straight father, +with his earnest face and fine forehead, nervous hands eloquent in +gesture, and a voice full of feeling. This foreigner, who brought his +children to school as if it were an act of consecration, who regarded +the teacher of the primer class with reverence, who spoke of visions, +like a man inspired, in a common schoolroom, was not like other +aliens, who brought their children in dull obedience to the law; was +not like the native fathers, who brought their unmanageable boys, glad +to be relieved of their care. I think Miss Nixon guessed what my +father's best English could not convey. I think she divined that by +the simple act of delivering our school certificates to her he took +possession of America. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +INITIATION + + +It is not worth while to refer to voluminous school statistics to see +just how many "green" pupils entered school last September, not +knowing the days of the week in English, who next February will be +declaiming patriotic verses in honor of George Washington and Abraham +Lincoln, with a foreign accent, indeed, but with plenty of enthusiasm. +It is enough to know that this hundred-fold miracle is common to the +schools in every part of the United States where immigrants are +received. And if I was one of Chelsea's hundred in 1894, it was only +to be expected, since I was one of the older of the "green" children, +and had had a start in my irregular schooling in Russia, and was +carried along by a tremendous desire to learn, and had my family to +cheer me on. + +I was not a bit too large for my little chair and desk in the baby +class, but my mind, of course, was too mature by six or seven years +for the work. So as soon as I could understand what the teacher said +in class, I was advanced to the second grade. This was within a week +after Miss Nixon took me in hand. But I do not mean to give my dear +teacher all the credit for my rapid progress, nor even half the +credit. I shall divide it with her on behalf of my race and my family. +I was Jew enough to have an aptitude for language in general, and to +bend my mind earnestly to my task; I was Antin enough to read each +lesson with my heart, which gave me an inkling of what was coming +next, and so carried me along by leaps and bounds. As for the teacher, +she could best explain what theory she followed in teaching us +foreigners to read. I can only describe the method, which was so +simple that I wish holiness could be taught in the same way. + +There were about half a dozen of us beginners in English, in age from +six to fifteen. Miss Nixon made a special class of us, and aided us so +skilfully and earnestly in our endeavors to "see-a-cat," and +"hear-a-dog-bark," and "look-at-the-hen," that we turned over page +after page of the ravishing history, eager to find out how the common +world looked, smelled, and tasted in the strange speech. The teacher +knew just when to let us help each other out with a word in our own +tongue,--it happened that we were all Jews,--and so, working all +together, we actually covered more ground in a lesson than the native +classes, composed entirely of the little tots. + +But we stuck--stuck fast--at the definite article; and sometimes the +lesson resolved itself into a species of lingual gymnastics, in which +we all looked as if we meant to bite our tongues off. Miss Nixon was +pretty, and she must have looked well with her white teeth showing in +the act; but at the time I was too solemnly occupied to admire her +looks. I did take great pleasure in her smile of approval, whenever I +pronounced well; and her patience and perseverance in struggling with +us over that thick little word are becoming to her even now, after +fifteen years. It is not her fault if any of us to-day give a buzzing +sound to the dreadful English _th_. + +I shall never have a better opportunity to make public declaration of +my love for the English language. I am glad that American history +runs, chapter for chapter, the way it does; for thus America came to +be the country I love so dearly. I am glad, most of all, that the +Americans began by being Englishmen, for thus did I come to inherit +this beautiful language in which I think. It seems to me that in any +other language happiness is not so sweet, logic is not so clear. I am +not sure that I could believe in my neighbors as I do if I thought +about them in un-English words. I could almost say that my conviction +of immortality is bound up with the English of its promise. And as I +am attached to my prejudices, I must love the English language! + +Whenever the teachers did anything special to help me over my private +difficulties, my gratitude went out to them, silently. It meant so +much to me that they halted the lesson to give me a lift, that I needs +must love them for it. Dear Miss Carrol, of the second grade, would be +amazed to hear what small things I remember, all because I was so +impressed at the time with her readiness and sweetness in taking +notice of my difficulties. + +Says Miss Carrol, looking straight at me:-- + +"If Johnnie has three marbles, and Charlie has twice as many, how many +marbles has Charlie?" + +I raise my hand for permission to speak. + +"Teacher, I don't know vhat is tvice." + +Teacher beckons me to her, and whispers to me the meaning of the +strange word, and I am able to write the sum correctly. It's all in +the day's work with her; with me, it is a special act of kindness and +efficiency. + +She whom I found in the next grade became so dear a friend that I can +hardly name her with the rest, though I mention none of them lightly. +Her approval was always dear to me, first because she was "Teacher," +and afterwards, as long as she lived, because she was my Miss +Dillingham. Great was my grief, therefore, when, shortly after my +admission to her class, I incurred discipline, the first, and next to +the last, time in my school career. + +The class was repeating in chorus the Lord's Prayer, heads bowed on +desks. I was doing my best to keep up by the sound; my mind could not +go beyond the word "hallowed," for which I had not found the meaning. +In the middle of the prayer a Jewish boy across the aisle trod on my +foot to get my attention. "You must not say that," he admonished in a +solemn whisper; "it's Christian." I whispered back that it wasn't, and +went on to the "Amen." I did not know but what he was right, but the +name of Christ was not in the prayer, and I was bound to do everything +that the class did. If I had any Jewish scruples, they were lagging +away behind my interest in school affairs. How American this was: two +pupils side by side in the schoolroom, each holding to his own +opinion, but both submitting to the common law; for the boy at least +bowed his head as the teacher ordered. + +But all Miss Dillingham knew of it was that two of her pupils +whispered during morning prayer, and she must discipline them. So I +was degraded from the honor row to the lowest row, and it was many a +day before I forgave that young missionary; it was not enough for my +vengeance that he suffered punishment with me. Teacher, of course, +heard us both defend ourselves, but there was a time and a place for +religious arguments, and she meant to help us remember that point. + +I remember to this day what a struggle we had over the word "water," +Miss Dillingham and I. It seemed as if I could not give the sound of +_w_; I said "vater" every time. Patiently my teacher worked with me, +inventing mouth exercises for me, to get my stubborn lips to produce +that _w_; and when at last I could say "village" and "water" in rapid +alternation, without misplacing the two initials, that memorable word +was sweet on my lips. For we had conquered, and Teacher was pleased. + +Getting a language in this way, word by word, has a charm that may be +set against the disadvantages. It is like gathering a posy blossom by +blossom. Bring the bouquet into your chamber, and these nasturtiums +stand for the whole flaming carnival of them tumbling over the fence +out there; these yellow pansies recall the velvet crescent of color +glowing under the bay window; this spray of honeysuckle smells like +the wind-tossed masses of it on the porch, ripe and bee-laden; the +whole garden in a glass tumbler. So it is with one who gathers words, +loving them. Particular words remain associated with important +occasions in the learner's mind. I could thus write a history of my +English vocabulary that should be at the same time an account of my +comings and goings, my mistakes and my triumphs, during the years of +my initiation. + +If I was eager and diligent, my teachers did not sleep. As fast as my +knowledge of English allowed, they advanced me from grade to grade, +without reference to the usual schedule of promotions. My father was +right, when he often said, in discussing my prospects, that ability +would be promptly recognized in the public schools. Rapid as was my +progress, on account of the advantages with which I started, some of +the other "green" pupils were not far behind me; within a grade or +two, by the end of the year. My brother, whose childhood had been one +hideous nightmare, what with the stupid rebbe, the cruel whip, and the +general repression of life in the Pale, surprised my father by the +progress he made under intelligent, sympathetic guidance. Indeed, he +soon had a reputation in the school that the American boys envied; and +all through the school course he more than held his own with pupils of +his age. So much for the right and wrong way of doing things. + +There is a record of my early progress in English much better than my +recollections, however accurate and definite these may be. I have +several reasons for introducing it here. First, it shows what the +Russian Jew can do with an adopted language; next, it proves that +vigilance of our public-school teachers of which I spoke; and last, I +am proud of it! That is an unnecessary confession, but I could not be +satisfied to insert the record here, with my vanity unavowed. + +This is the document, copied from an educational journal, a tattered +copy of which lies in my lap as I write--treasured for fifteen years, +you see, by my vanity. + + EDITOR "PRIMARY EDUCATION":-- + + This is the uncorrected paper of a Russian child twelve years + old, who had studied English only four months. She had never, + until September, been to school even in her own country and has + heard English spoken _only_ at school. I shall be glad if the + paper of my pupil and the above explanation may appear in your + paper. + + M.S. DILLINGHAM. + + CHELSEA, MASS. + + SNOW + + Snow is frozen moisture which comes from the clouds. Now the + snow is coming down in feather-flakes, which makes nice + snow-balls. But there is still one kind of snow more. This kind + of snow is called snow-crystals, for it comes down in little + curly balls. These snow-crystals aren't quiet as good for + snow-balls as feather-flakes, for they (the snow-crystals) are + dry: so they can't keep together as feather-flakes do. + + The snow is dear to some children for they like sleighing. + + As I said at the top--the snow comes from the clouds. + + Now the trees are bare, and no flowers are to see in the fields + and gardens, (we all know why) and the whole world seems like + asleep without the happy birds songs which left us till spring. + But the snow which drove away all these pretty and happy things, + try, (as I think) not to make us at all unhappy; they covered up + the branches of the trees, the fields, the gardens and houses, + and the whole world looks like dressed in a beautiful + white--instead of green--dress, with the sky looking down on it + with a pale face. + + And so the people can find some joy in it, too, without the + happy summer. + + MARY ANTIN. + +And now that it stands there, with _her_ name over it, I am ashamed of +my flippant talk about vanity. More to me than all the praise I could +hope to win by the conquest of fifty languages is the association of +this dear friend with my earliest efforts at writing; and it pleases +me to remember that to her I owe my very first appearance in print. +Vanity is the least part of it, when I remember how she called me to +her desk, one day after school was out, and showed me my +composition--my own words, that I had written out of my own +head--printed out, clear black and white, with my name at the end! +Nothing so wonderful had ever happened to me before. My whole +consciousness was suddenly transformed. I suppose that was the moment +when I became a writer. I always loved to write,--I wrote letters +whenever I had an excuse,--yet it had never occurred to me to sit down +and write my thoughts for no person in particular, merely to put the +word on paper. But now, as I read my own words, in a delicious +confusion, the idea was born. I stared at my name: MARY ANTIN. Was +that really I? The printed characters composing it seemed strange to +me all of a sudden. If that was my name, and those were the words out +of my own head, what relation did it all have to _me_, who was alone +there with Miss Dillingham, and the printed page between us? Why, it +meant that I could write again, and see my writing printed for people +to read! I could write many, many, many things: I could write a book! +The idea was so huge, so bewildering, that my mind scarcely could +accommodate it. + +I do not know what my teacher said to me; probably very little. It was +her way to say only a little, and look at me, and trust me to +understand. Once she had occasion to lecture me about living a shut-up +life; she wanted me to go outdoors. I had been repeatedly scolded and +reproved on that score by other people, but I had only laughed, saying +that I was too happy to change my ways. But when Miss Dillingham spoke +to me, I saw that it was a serious matter; and yet she only said a few +words, and looked at me with that smile of hers that was only half a +smile, and the rest a meaning. Another time she had a great question +to ask me, touching my life to the quick. She merely put her question, +and was silent; but I knew what answer she expected, and not being +able to give it then, I went away sad and reproved. Years later I had +my triumphant answer, but she was no longer there to receive it; and +so her eyes look at me, from the picture on the mantel there, with a +reproach I no longer merit. + +I ought to go back and strike out all that talk about vanity. What +reason have I to be vain, when I reflect how at every step I was +petted, nursed, and encouraged? I did not even discover my own talent. +It was discovered first by my father in Russia, and next by my friend +in America. What did I ever do but write when they told me to write? I +suppose my grandfather who drove a spavined horse through lonely +country lanes sat in the shade of crisp-leaved oaks to refresh himself +with a bit of black bread; and an acorn falling beside him, in the +immense stillness, shook his heart with the echo, and left him +wondering. I suppose my father stole away from the synagogue one long +festival day, and stretched himself out in the sun-warmed grass, and +lost himself in dreams that made the world of men unreal when he +returned to them. And so what is there left for me to do, who do not +have to drive a horse nor interpret ancient lore, but put my +grandfather's question into words and set to music my father's dream? +The tongue am I of those who lived before me, as those that are to +come will be the voice of my unspoken thoughts. And so who shall be +applauded if the song be sweet, if the prophecy be true? + +I never heard of any one who was so watched and coaxed, so passed +along from hand to helping hand, as was I. I always had friends. They +sprang up everywhere, as if they had stood waiting for me to come. So +here was my teacher, the moment she saw that I could give a good +paraphrase of her talk on "Snow," bent on finding out what more I +could do. One day she asked me if I had ever written poetry. I had +not, but I went home and tried. I believe it was more snow, and I +know it was wretched. I wish I could produce a copy of that early +effusion; it would prove that my judgment is not severe. Wretched it +was,--worse, a great deal, than reams of poetry that is written by +children about whom there is no fuss made. But Miss Dillingham was not +discouraged. She saw that I had no idea of metre, so she proceeded to +teach me. We repeated miles of poetry together, smooth lines that sang +themselves, mostly out of Longfellow. Then I would go home and +write--oh, about the snow in our back yard!--but when Miss Dillingham +came to read my verses, they limped and they lagged and they dragged, +and there was no tune that would fit them. + +At last came the moment of illumination: I saw where my trouble lay. I +had supposed that my lines matched when they had an equal number of +syllables, taking no account of accent. Now I knew better; now I could +write poetry! The everlasting snow melted at last, and the mud puddles +dried in the spring sun, and the grass on the common was green, and +still I wrote poetry! Again I wish I had some example of my springtime +rhapsodies, the veriest rubbish of the sort that ever a child +perpetrated. Lizzie McDee, who had red hair and freckles, and a +Sunday-school manner on weekdays, and was below me in the class, did a +great deal better. We used to compare verses; and while I do not +remember that I ever had the grace to own that she was the better +poet, I do know that I secretly wondered why the teachers did not +invite her to stay after school and study poetry, while they took so +much pains with me. But so it was always with me: somebody did +something for me all the time. + +Making fair allowance for my youth, retarded education, and +strangeness to the language, it must still be admitted that I never +wrote good verse. But I loved to read it. My half-hours with Miss +Dillingham were full of delight for me, quite apart from my new-born +ambition to become a writer. What, then, was my joy, when Miss +Dillingham, just before locking up her desk one evening, presented me +with a volume of Longfellow's poems! It was a thin volume of +selections, but to me it was a bottomless treasure. I had never owned +a book before. The sense of possession alone was a source of bliss, +and this book I already knew and loved. And so Miss Dillingham, who +was my first American friend, and who first put my name in print, was +also the one to start my library. Deep is my regret when I consider +that she was gone before I had given much of an account of all her +gifts of love and service to me. + +About the middle of the year I was promoted to the grammar school. +Then it was that I walked on air. For I said to myself that I was a +_student_ now, in earnest, not merely a school-girl learning to spell +and cipher. I was going to learn out-of-the-way things, things that +had nothing to do with ordinary life--things to _know_. When I walked +home afternoons, with the great big geography book under my arm, it +seemed to me that the earth was conscious of my step. Sometimes I +carried home half the books in my desk, not because I should need +them, but because I loved to hold them; and also because I loved to be +seen carrying books. It was a badge of scholarship, and I was proud of +it. I remembered the days in Vitebsk when I used to watch my cousin +Hirshel start for school in the morning, every thread of his student's +uniform, every worn copybook in his satchel, glorified in my envious +eyes. And now I was myself as he: aye, greater than he; for I knew +English, and I could write poetry. + +If my head was not turned at this time it was because I was so busy +from morning till night. My father did his best to make me vain and +silly. He made much of me to every chance caller, boasting of my +progress at school, and of my exalted friends, the teachers. For a +school-teacher was no ordinary mortal in his eyes; she was a superior +being, set above the common run of men by her erudition and devotion +to higher things. That a school-teacher could be shallow or petty, or +greedy for pay, was a thing that he could not have been brought to +believe, at this time. And he was right, if he could only have stuck +to it in later years, when a new-born pessimism, fathered by his +perception that in America, too, some things needed mending, threw him +to the opposite extreme of opinion, crying that nothing in the +American scheme of society or government was worth tinkering. + +He surely was right in his first appraisal of the teacher. The mean +sort of teachers are not teachers at all; they are self-seekers who +take up teaching as a business, to support themselves and keep their +hands white. These same persons, did they keep store or drive a milk +wagon or wash babies for a living, would be respectable. As +trespassers on a noble profession, they are worth no more than the +books and slates and desks over which they preside; so much furniture, +to be had by the gross. They do not love their work. They contribute +nothing to the higher development of their pupils. They busy +themselves, not with research into the science of teaching, but with +organizing political demonstrations to advance the cause of selfish +candidates for public office, who promise them rewards. The true +teachers are of another strain. Apostles all of an ideal, they go to +their work in a spirit of love and inquiry, seeking not comfort, not +position, not old-age pensions, but truth that is the soul of wisdom, +the joy of big-eyed children, the food of hungry youth. + +They were true teachers who used to come to me on Arlington Street, so +my father had reason to boast of the distinction brought upon his +house. For the school-teacher in her trim, unostentatious dress was an +uncommon visitor in our neighborhood; and the talk that passed in the +bare little "parlor" over the grocery store would not have been +entirely comprehensible to our next-door neighbor. + +In the grammar school I had as good teaching as I had had in the +primary. It seems to me in retrospect that it was as good, on the +whole, as the public school ideals of the time made possible. When I +recall how I was taught geography, I see, indeed, that there was room +for improvement occasionally both in the substance and in the method +of instruction. But I know of at least one teacher of Chelsea who +realized this; for I met her, eight years later, at a great +metropolitan university that holds a summer session for the benefit of +school-teachers who want to keep up with the advance in their science. +Very likely they no longer teach geography entirely within doors, and +by rote, as I was taught. Fifteen years is plenty of time for +progress. + +When I joined the first grammar grade, the class had had a half-year's +start of me, but it was not long before I found my place near the +head. In all branches except geography it was genuine progress. I +overtook the youngsters in their study of numbers, spelling, reading, +and composition. In geography I merely made a bluff, but I did not +know it. Neither did my teacher. I came up to such tests as she put +me. + +The lesson was on Chelsea, which was right: geography, like charity, +should begin at home. Our text ran on for a paragraph or so on the +location, boundaries, natural features, and industries of the town, +with a bit of local history thrown in. We were to learn all these +interesting facts, and be prepared to write them out from memory the +next day. I went home and learned--learned every word of the text, +every comma, every footnote. When the teacher had read my paper she +marked it "EE." "E" was for "excellent," but my paper was absolutely +perfect, and must be put in a class by itself. The teacher exhibited +my paper before the class, with some remarks about the diligence that +could overtake in a week pupils who had had half a year's start. I +took it all as modestly as I could, never doubting that I was indeed a +very bright little girl, and getting to be very learned to boot. I was +"perfect" in geography, a most erudite subject. + +But what was the truth? The words that I repeated so accurately on my +paper had about as much meaning to me as the words of the Psalms I +used to chant in Hebrew. I got an idea that the city of Chelsea, and +the world in general, was laid out flat, like the common, and shaved +off at the ends, to allow the north, south, east, and west to snuggle +up close, like the frame around a picture. If I looked at the map, I +was utterly bewildered; I could find no correspondence between the +picture and the verbal explanations. With words I was safe; I could +learn any number of words by heart, and sometime or other they would +pop out of the medley, clothed with meaning. Chelsea, I read, was +bounded on all sides--"bounded" appealed to my imagination--by various +things that I had never identified, much as I had roamed about the +town. I immediately pictured these remote boundaries as a six-foot +fence in a good state of preservation, with the Mystic River, the +towns of Everett and Revere, and East Boston Creek, rejoicing, on the +south, west, north, and east of it, respectively, that they had got +inside; while the rest of the world peeped in enviously through a knot +hole. In the middle of this cherished area piano factories--or was it +shoe factories?--proudly reared their chimneys, while the population +promenaded on a _rope walk_, saluted at every turn by the benevolent +inmates of the Soldiers' Home on the top of Powderhorn Hill. + +Perhaps the fault was partly mine, because I always would reduce +everything to a picture. Partly it may have been because I had not had +time to digest the general definitions and explanations at the +beginning of the book. Still, I can take but little of the blame, when +I consider how I fared through my geography, right to the end of the +grammar-school course. I did in time disentangle the symbolism of the +orange revolving on a knitting-needle from the astronomical facts in +the case, but it took years of training under a master of the subject +to rid me of my distrust of the map as a representation of the earth. +To this day I sometimes blunder back to my early impression that any +given portion of the earth's surface is constructed upon a skeleton +consisting of two crossed bars, terminating in arrowheads which pin +the cardinal points into place; and if I want to find any desired +point of the compass, I am inclined to throw myself flat on my nose, +my head due north, and my outstretched arms seeking the east and west +respectively. + +For in the schoolroom, as far as the study of the map went, we began +with the symbol and stuck to the symbol. No teacher of geography I +ever had, except the master I referred to, took the pains to ascertain +whether I had any sense of the facts for which the symbols stood. +Outside the study of maps, geography consisted of statistics: tables +of population, imports and exports, manufactures, and degrees of +temperature; dimensions of rivers, mountains, and political states; +with lists of minerals, plants, and plagues native to any given part +of the globe. The only part of the whole subject that meant anything +to me was the description of the aspect of foreign lands, and the +manners and customs of their peoples. The relation of physiography to +human history--what might be called the moral of geography--was not +taught at all, or was touched upon in an unimpressive manner. The +prevalence of this defect in the teaching of school geography is borne +out by the surprise of the college freshman, who remarked to the +professor of geology that it was curious to note how all the big +rivers and harbors on the Atlantic coastal plain occurred in the +neighborhood of large cities! A little instruction in the elements of +chartography--a little practice in the use of the compass and the +spirit level, a topographical map of the town common, an excursion +with a road map--would have given me a fat round earth in place of my +paper ghost; would have illumined the one dark alley in my school +life. + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +"MY COUNTRY" + + +The public school has done its best for us foreigners, and for the +country, when it has made us into good Americans. I am glad it is mine +to tell how the miracle was wrought in one case. You should be glad to +hear of it, you born Americans; for it is the story of the growth of +your country; of the flocking of your brothers and sisters from the +far ends of the earth to the flag you love; of the recruiting of your +armies of workers, thinkers, and leaders. And you will be glad to hear +of it, my comrades in adoption; for it is a rehearsal of your own +experience, the thrill and wonder of which your own hearts have felt. + +How long would you say, wise reader, it takes to make an American? By +the middle of my second year in school I had reached the sixth grade. +When, after the Christmas holidays, we began to study the life of +Washington, running through a summary of the Revolution, and the early +days of the Republic, it seemed to me that all my reading and study +had been idle until then. The reader, the arithmetic, the song book, +that had so fascinated me until now, became suddenly sober exercise +books, tools wherewith to hew a way to the source of inspiration. When +the teacher read to us out of a big book with many bookmarks in it, I +sat rigid with attention in my little chair, my hands tightly clasped +on the edge of my desk; and I painfully held my breath, to prevent +sighs of disappointment escaping, as I saw the teacher skip the parts +between bookmarks. When the class read, and it came my turn, my voice +shook and the book trembled in my hands. I could not pronounce the +name of George Washington without a pause. Never had I prayed, never +had I chanted the songs of David, never had I called upon the Most +Holy, in such utter reverence and worship as I repeated the simple +sentences of my child's story of the patriot. I gazed with adoration +at the portraits of George and Martha Washington, till I could see +them with my eyes shut. And whereas formerly my self-consciousness had +bordered on conceit, and I thought myself an uncommon person, parading +my schoolbooks through the streets, and swelling with pride when a +teacher detained me in conversation, now I grew humble all at once, +seeing how insignificant I was beside the Great. + +As I read about the noble boy who would not tell a lie to save himself +from punishment, I was for the first time truly repentant of my sins. +Formerly I had fasted and prayed and made sacrifice on the Day of +Atonement, but it was more than half play, in mimicry of my elders. I +had no real horror of sin, and I knew so many ways of escaping +punishment. I am sure my family, my neighbors, my teachers in +Polotzk--all my world, in fact--strove together, by example and +precept, to teach me goodness. Saintliness had a new incarnation in +about every third person I knew. I did respect the saints, but I could +not help seeing that most of them were a little bit stupid, and that +mischief was much more fun than piety. Goodness, as I had known it, +was respectable, but not necessarily admirable. The people I really +admired, like my Uncle Solomon, and Cousin Rachel, were those who +preached the least and laughed the most. My sister Frieda was +perfectly good, but she did not think the less of me because I played +tricks. What I loved in my friends was not inimitable. One could be +downright good if one really wanted to. One could be learned if one +had books and teachers. One could sing funny songs and tell anecdotes +if one travelled about and picked up such things, like one's uncles +and cousins. But a human being strictly good, perfectly wise, and +unfailingly valiant, all at the same time, I had never heard or +dreamed of. This wonderful George Washington was as inimitable as he +was irreproachable. Even if I had never, never told a lie, I could not +compare myself to George Washington; for I was not brave--I was afraid +to go out when snowballs whizzed--and I could never be the First +President of the United States. + +So I was forced to revise my own estimate of myself. But the twin of +my new-born humility, paradoxical as it may seem, was a sense of +dignity I had never known before. For if I found that I was a person +of small consequence, I discovered at the same time that I was more +nobly related than I had ever supposed. I had relatives and friends +who were notable people by the old standards,--I had never been +ashamed of my family,--but this George Washington, who died long +before I was born, was like a king in greatness, and he and I were +Fellow Citizens. There was a great deal about Fellow Citizens in the +patriotic literature we read at this time; and I knew from my father +how he was a Citizen, through the process of naturalization, and how I +also was a citizen, by virtue of my relation to him. Undoubtedly I was +a Fellow Citizen, and George Washington was another. It thrilled me to +realize what sudden greatness had fallen on me; and at the same time +it sobered me, as with a sense of responsibility. I strove to conduct +myself as befitted a Fellow Citizen. + +Before books came into my life, I was given to stargazing and +daydreaming. When books were given me, I fell upon them as a glutton +pounces on his meat after a period of enforced starvation. I lived +with my nose in a book, and took no notice of the alternations of the +sun and stars. But now, after the advent of George Washington and the +American Revolution, I began to dream again. I strayed on the common +after school instead of hurrying home to read. I hung on fence rails, +my pet book forgotten under my arm, and gazed off to the +yellow-streaked February sunset, and beyond, and beyond. I was no +longer the central figure of my dreams; the dry weeds in the lane +crackled beneath the tread of Heroes. + +What more could America give a child? Ah, much more! As I read how the +patriots planned the Revolution, and the women gave their sons to die +in battle, and the heroes led to victory, and the rejoicing people set +up the Republic, it dawned on me gradually what was meant by _my +country_. The people all desiring noble things, and striving for them +together, defying their oppressors, giving their lives for each +other--all this it was that made _my country_. It was not a thing that +I _understood_; I could not go home and tell Frieda about it, as I +told her other things I learned at school. But I knew one could say +"my country" and _feel_ it, as one felt "God" or "myself." My teacher, +my schoolmates, Miss Dillingham, George Washington himself could not +mean more than I when they said "my country," after I had once felt +it. For the Country was for all the Citizens, and _I was a Citizen_. +And when we stood up to sing "America," I shouted the words with all +my might. I was in very earnest proclaiming to the world my love for +my new-found country. + + "I love thy rocks and rills. + Thy woods and templed hills." + +Boston Harbor, Crescent Beach, Chelsea Square--all was hallowed ground +to me. As the day approached when the school was to hold exercises in +honor of Washington's Birthday, the halls resounded at all hours with +the strains of patriotic songs; and I, who was a model of the +attentive pupil, more than once lost my place in the lesson as I +strained to hear, through closed doors, some neighboring class +rehearsing "The Star-Spangled Banner." If the doors happened to open, +and the chorus broke out unveiled-- + + "O! say, does that Star-Spangled Banner yet wave + O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave?"-- + +delicious tremors ran up and down my spine, and I was faint with +suppressed enthusiasm. + +Where had been my country until now? What flag had I loved? What +heroes had I worshipped? The very names of these things had been +unknown to me. Well I knew that Polotzk was not my country. It was +_goluth_--exile. On many occasions in the year we prayed to God to +lead us out of exile. The beautiful Passover service closed with the +words, "Next year, may we be in Jerusalem." On childish lips, indeed, +those words were no conscious aspiration; we repeated the Hebrew +syllables after our elders, but without their hope and longing. Still +not a child among us was too young to feel in his own flesh the lash +of the oppressor. We knew what it was to be Jews in exile, from the +spiteful treatment we suffered at the hands of the smallest urchin +who crossed himself; and thence we knew that Israel had good reason to +pray for deliverance. But the story of the Exodus was not history to +me in the sense that the story of the American Revolution was. It was +more like a glorious myth, a belief in which had the effect of cutting +me off from the actual world, by linking me with a world of phantoms. +Those moments of exaltation which the contemplation of the Biblical +past afforded us, allowing us to call ourselves the children of +princes, served but to tinge with a more poignant sense of +disinheritance the long humdrum stretches of our life. In very truth +we were a people without a country. Surrounded by mocking foes and +detractors, it was difficult for me to realize the persons of my +people's heroes or the events in which they moved. Except in moments +of abstraction from the world around me, I scarcely understood that +Jerusalem was an actual spot on the earth, where once the Kings of the +Bible, real people, like my neighbors in Polotzk, ruled in puissant +majesty. For the conditions of our civil life did not permit us to +cultivate a spirit of nationalism. The freedom of worship that was +grudgingly granted within the narrow limits of the Pale by no means +included the right to set up openly any ideal of a Hebrew State, any +hero other than the Czar. What we children picked up of our ancient +political history was confused with the miraculous story of the +Creation, with the supernatural legends and hazy associations of Bible +lore. As to our future, we Jews in Polotzk had no national +expectations; only a life-worn dreamer here and there hoped to die in +Palestine. If Fetchke and I sang, with my father, first making sure of +our audience, "Zion, Zion, Holy Zion, not forever is it lost," we did +not really picture to ourselves Judæa restored. + +So it came to pass that we did not know what _my country_ could mean +to a man. And as we had no country, so we had no flag to love. It was +by no far-fetched symbolism that the banner of the House of Romanoff +became the emblem of our latter-day bondage in our eyes. Even a child +would know how to hate the flag that we were forced, on pain of severe +penalties, to hoist above our housetops, in celebration of the advent +of one of our oppressors. And as it was with country and flag, so it +was with heroes of war. We hated the uniform of the soldier, to the +last brass button. On the person of a Gentile, it was the symbol of +tyranny; on the person of a Jew, it was the emblem of shame. + +So a little Jewish girl in Polotzk was apt to grow up hungry-minded +and empty-hearted; and if, still in her outreaching youth, she was set +down in a land of outspoken patriotism, she was likely to love her new +country with a great love, and to embrace its heroes in a great +worship. Naturalization, with us Russian Jews, may mean more than the +adoption of the immigrant by America. It may mean the adoption of +America by the immigrant. + +On the day of the Washington celebration I recited a poem that I had +composed in my enthusiasm. But "composed" is not the word. The process +of putting on paper the sentiments that seethed in my soul was really +very discomposing. I dug the words out of my heart, squeezed the +rhymes out of my brain, forced the missing syllables out of their +hiding-places in the dictionary. May I never again know such travail +of the spirit as I endured during the fevered days when I was engaged +on the poem. It was not as if I wanted to say that snow was white or +grass was green. I could do that without a dictionary. It was a +question now of the loftiest sentiments, of the most abstract truths, +the names of which were very new in my vocabulary. It was necessary to +use polysyllables, and plenty of them; and where to find rhymes for +such words as "tyranny," "freedom," and "justice," when you had less +than two years' acquaintance with English! The name I wished to +celebrate was the most difficult of all. Nothing but "Washington" +rhymed with "Washington." It was a most ambitious undertaking, but my +heart could find no rest till it had proclaimed itself to the world; +so I wrestled with my difficulties, and spared not ink, till +inspiration perched on my penpoint, and my soul gave up its best. + +When I had done, I was myself impressed with the length, gravity, and +nobility of my poem. My father was overcome with emotion as he read +it. His hands trembled as he held the paper to the light, and the mist +gathered in his eyes. My teacher, Miss Dwight, was plainly astonished +at my performance, and said many kind things, and asked many +questions; all of which I took very solemnly, like one who had been in +the clouds and returned to earth with a sign upon him. When Miss +Dwight asked me to read my poem to the class on the day of +celebration, I readily consented. It was not in me to refuse a chance +to tell my schoolmates what I thought of George Washington. + +I was not a heroic figure when I stood up in front of the class to +pronounce the praises of the Father of his Country. Thin, pale, and +hollow, with a shadow of short black curls on my brow, and the staring +look of prominent eyes, I must have looked more frightened than +imposing. My dress added no grace to my appearance. "Plaids" were in +fashion, and my frock was of a red-and-green "plaid" that had a +ghastly effect on my complexion. I hated it when I thought of it, but +on the great day I did not know I had any dress on. Heels clapped +together, and hands glued to my sides, I lifted up my voice in praise +of George Washington. It was not much of a voice; like my hollow +cheeks, it suggested consumption. My pronunciation was faulty, my +declamation flat. But I had the courage of my convictions. I was face +to face with twoscore Fellow Citizens, in clean blouses and extra +frills. I must tell them what George Washington had done for their +country--for _our_ country--for me. + +I can laugh now at the impossible metres, the grandiose phrases, the +verbose repetitions of my poem. Years ago I must have laughed at it, +when I threw my only copy into the wastebasket. The copy I am now +turning over was loaned me by Miss Dwight, who faithfully preserved it +all these years, for the sake, no doubt, of what I strove to express +when I laboriously hitched together those dozen and more ungraceful +stanzas. But to the forty Fellow Citizens sitting in rows in front of +me it was no laughing matter. Even the bad boys sat in attitudes of +attention, hypnotized by the solemnity of my demeanor. If they got any +inkling of what the hail of big words was about, it must have been +through occult suggestion. I fixed their eighty eyes with my single +stare, and gave it to them, stanza after stanza, with such emphasis as +the lameness of the lines permitted. + + He whose courage, will, amazing bravery, + Did free his land from a despot's rule, + From man's greatest evil, almost slavery, + And all that's taught in tyranny's school. + Who gave his land its liberty, + Who was he? + + 'T was he who e'er will be our pride. + Immortal Washington, + Who always did in truth confide. + We hail our Washington! + + [Illustration: TWOSCORE OF MY FELLOW-CITIZENS--PUBLIC SCHOOL, + CHELSEA] + +The best of the verses were no better than these, but the children +listened. They had to. Presently I gave them news, declaring that +Washington + + Wrote the famous Constitution; sacred's the hand + That this blessed guide to man had given, which says, "One + And all of mankind are alike, excepting none." + +This was received in respectful silence, possibly because the other +Fellow Citizens were as hazy about historical facts as I at this +point. "Hurrah for Washington!" they understood, and "Three cheers for +the Red, White, and Blue!" was only to be expected on that occasion. +But there ran a special note through my poem--a thought that only +Israel Rubinstein or Beckie Aronovitch could have fully understood, +besides myself. For I made myself the spokesman of the "luckless sons +of Abraham," saying-- + + Then we weary Hebrew children at last found rest + In the land where reigned Freedom, and like a nest + To homeless birds your land proved to us, and therefore + Will we gratefully sing your praise evermore. + +The boys and girls who had never been turned away from any door +because of their father's religion sat as if fascinated in their +places. But they woke up and applauded heartily when I was done, +following the example of Miss Dwight, who wore the happy face which +meant that one of her pupils had done well. + +The recitation was repeated, by request, before several other classes, +and the applause was equally prolonged at each repetition. After the +exercises I was surrounded, praised, questioned, and made much of, by +teachers as well as pupils. Plainly I had not poured my praise of +George Washington into deaf ears. The teachers asked me if anybody had +helped me with the poem. The girls invariably asked, "Mary Antin, how +could you think of all those words?" None of them thought of the +dictionary! + +If I had been satisfied with my poem in the first place, the applause +with which it was received by my teachers and schoolmates convinced me +that I had produced a very fine thing indeed. So the person, whoever +it was,--perhaps my father--who suggested that my tribute to +Washington ought to be printed, did not find me difficult to persuade. +When I had achieved an absolutely perfect copy of my verses, at the +expense of a dozen sheets of blue-ruled note paper, I crossed the +Mystic River to Boston and boldly invaded Newspaper Row. + +It never occurred to me to send my manuscript by mail. In fact, it has +never been my way to send a delegate where I could go myself. +Consciously or unconsciously, I have always acted on the motto of a +wise man who was one of the dearest friends that Boston kept for me +until I came. "Personal presence moves the world," said the great Dr. +Hale; and I went in person to beard the editor in his armchair. + +From the ferry slip to the offices of the "Boston Transcript" the way +was long, strange, and full of perils; but I kept resolutely on up +Hanover Street, being familiar with that part of my route, till I came +to a puzzling corner. There I stopped, utterly bewildered by the +tangle of streets, the roar of traffic, the giddy swarm of +pedestrians. With the precious manuscript tightly clasped, I balanced +myself on the curbstone, afraid to plunge into the boiling vortex of +the crossing. Every time I made a start, a clanging street car +snatched up the way. I could not even pick out my street; the +unobtrusive street signs were lost to my unpractised sight, in the +glaring confusion of store signs and advertisements. If I accosted a +pedestrian to ask the way, I had to speak several times before I was +heard. Jews, hurrying by with bearded chins on their bosoms and eyes +intent, shrugged their shoulders at the name "Transcript," and +shrugged till they were out of sight. Italians sauntering behind their +fruit carts answered my inquiry with a lift of the head that made +their earrings gleam, and a wave of the hand that referred me to all +four points of the compass at once. I was trying to catch the eye of +the tall policeman who stood grandly in the middle of the crossing, a +stout pillar around which the waves of traffic broke, when deliverance +bellowed in my ear. + +"Herald, Globe, Record, _Tra-avel-er_! Eh? Whatcher want, sis?" The +tall newsboy had to stoop to me. "Transcript? Sure!" And in half a +twinkling he had picked me out a paper from his bundle. When I +explained to him, he good-naturedly tucked the paper in again, piloted +me across, unravelled the end of Washington Street for me, and with +much pointing out of landmarks, headed me for my destination, my nose +seeking the spire of the Old South Church. + +I found the "Transcript" building a waste of corridors tunnelled by a +maze of staircases. On the glazed-glass doors were many signs with the +names or nicknames of many persons: "City Editor"; "Beggars and +Peddlers not Allowed." The nameless world not included in these +categories was warned off, forbidden to be or do: "Private--No +Admittance"; "Don't Knock." And the various inhospitable legends on +the doors and walls were punctuated by frequent cuspidors on the +floor. There was no sign anywhere of the welcome which I, as an +author, expected to find in the home of a newspaper. + +I was descending from the top story to the street for the seventh +time, trying to decide what kind of editor a patriotic poem belonged +to, when an untidy boy carrying broad paper streamers and whistling +shrilly, in defiance of an express prohibition on the wall, bustled +through the corridor and left a door ajar. I slipped in behind him, +and found myself in a room full of editors. + +I was a little surprised at the appearance of the editors. I had +imagined my editor would look like Mr. Jones, the principal of my +school, whose coat was always buttoned, and whose finger nails were +beautiful. These people were in shirt sleeves, and they smoked, and +they didn't politely turn in their revolving chairs when I came in, +and ask, "What can I do for you?" + +The room was noisy with typewriters, and nobody heard my "Please, can +you tell me." At last one of the machines stopped, and the operator +thought he heard something in the pause. He looked up through his own +smoke. I guess he thought he saw something, for he stared. It troubled +me a little to have him stare so. I realized suddenly that the hand in +which I carried my manuscript was moist, and I was afraid it would +make marks on the paper. I held out the manuscript to the editor, +explaining that it was a poem about George Washington, and would he +please print it in the "Transcript." + +There was something queer about that particular editor. The way he +stared and smiled made me feel about eleven inches high, and my voice +kept growing smaller and smaller as I neared the end of my speech. + +At last he spoke, laying down his pipe, and sitting back at his ease. + +"So you have brought us a poem, my child?" + +"It's about George Washington," I repeated impressively. "Don't you +want to read it?" + +"I should be delighted, my dear, but the fact is--" + +He did not take my paper. He stood up and called across the room. + +"Say, Jack! here is a young lady who has brought us a poem--about +George Washington.--Wrote it yourself, my dear?--Wrote it all herself. +What shall we do with her?" + +Mr. Jack came over, and another man. My editor made me repeat my +business, and they all looked interested, but nobody took my paper +from me. They put their hands into their pockets, and my hand kept +growing clammier all the time. The three seemed to be consulting, but +I could not understand what they said, or why Mr. Jack laughed. + +A fourth man, who had been writing busily at a desk near by, broke in +on the consultation. + +"That's enough, boys," he said, "that's enough. Take the young lady to +Mr. Hurd." + +Mr. Hurd, it was found, was away on a vacation, and of several other +editors in several offices, to whom I was referred, none proved to be +the proper editor to take charge of a poem about George Washington. At +last an elderly editor suggested that as Mr. Hurd would be away for +some time, I would do well to give up the "Transcript" and try the +"Herald," across the way. + +A little tired by my wanderings, and bewildered by the complexity of +the editorial system, but still confident about my mission, I picked +my way across Washington Street and found the "Herald" offices. Here I +had instant good luck. The first editor I addressed took my paper and +invited me to a seat. He read my poem much more quickly than I could +myself, and said it was very nice, and asked me some questions, and +made notes on a slip of paper which he pinned to my manuscript. He +said he would have my piece printed very soon, and would send me a +copy of the issue in which it appeared. As I was going, I could not +help giving the editor my hand, although I had not experienced any +handshaking in Newspaper Row. I felt that as author and editor we were +on a very pleasant footing, and I gave him my hand in token of +comradeship. + +I had regained my full stature and something over, during this cordial +interview, and when I stepped out into the street and saw the crowd +intently studying the bulletin board I swelled out of all proportion. +For I told myself that I, Mary Antin, was one of the inspired +brotherhood who made newspapers so interesting. I did not know whether +my poem would be put upon the bulletin board; but at any rate, it +would be in the paper, with my name at the bottom, like my story about +"Snow" in Miss Dillingham's school journal. And all these people in +the streets, and more, thousands of people--all Boston!--would read my +poem, and learn my name, and wonder who I was. I smiled to myself in +delicious amusement when a man deliberately put me out of his path, as +I dreamed my way through the jostling crowd; if he only _knew_ whom +he was treating so unceremoniously! + +When the paper with my poem in it arrived, the whole house pounced +upon it at once. I was surprised to find that my verses were not all +over the front page. The poem was a little hard to find, if anything, +being tucked away in the middle of the voluminous sheet. But when we +found it, it looked wonderful, just like real poetry, not at all as if +somebody we knew had written it. It occupied a gratifying amount of +space, and was introduced by a flattering biographical sketch of the +author--the _author_!--the material for which the friendly editor had +artfully drawn from me during that happy interview. And my name, as I +had prophesied, was at the bottom! + +When the excitement in the house had subsided, my father took all the +change out of the cash drawer and went to buy up the "Herald." He did +not count the pennies. He just bought "Heralds," all he could lay his +hands on, and distributed them gratis to all our friends, relatives, +and acquaintances; to all who could read, and to some who could not. +For weeks he carried a clipping from the "Herald" in his breast +pocket, and few were the occasions when he did not manage to introduce +it into the conversation. He treasured that clipping as for years he +had treasured the letters I wrote him from Polotzk. + +Although my father bought up most of the issue containing my poem, a +few hundred copies were left to circulate among the general public, +enough to spread the flame of my patriotic ardor and to enkindle a +thousand sluggish hearts. Really, there was something more solemn than +vanity in my satisfaction. Pleased as I was with my notoriety--and +nobody but I knew how exceedingly pleased--I had a sober feeling about +it all. I enjoyed being praised and admired and envied; but what gave +a divine flavor to my happiness was the idea that I had publicly borne +testimony to the goodness of my exalted hero, to the greatness of my +adopted country. I did not discount the homage of Arlington Street, +because I did not properly rate the intelligence of its population. I +took the admiration of my schoolmates without a grain of salt; it was +just so much honey to me. I could not know that what made me great in +the eyes of my neighbors was that "there was a piece about me in the +paper"; it mattered very little to them what the "piece" was about. I +thought they really admired my sentiments. On the street, in the +schoolyard, I was pointed out. The people said, "That's Mary Antin. +She had her name in the paper." _I_ thought they said, "This is she +who loves her country and worships George Washington." + +To repeat, I was well aware that I was something of a celebrity, and +took all possible satisfaction in the fact; yet I gave my schoolmates +no occasion to call me "stuck-up." My vanity did not express itself in +strutting or wagging the head. I played tag and puss-in-the-corner in +the schoolyard, and did everything that was comrade-like. But in the +schoolroom I conducted myself gravely, as befitted one who was +preparing for the noble career of a poet. + +I am forgetting Lizzie McDee. I am trying to give the impression that +I behaved with at least outward modesty during my schoolgirl triumphs, +whereas Lizzie could testify that she knew Mary Antin as a vain +boastful, curly-headed little Jew. For I had a special style of +deportment for Lizzie. If there was any girl in the school besides me +who could keep near the top of the class all the year through, and +give bright answers when the principal or the school committee popped +sudden questions, and write rhymes that almost always rhymed, _I_ was +determined that that ambitious person should not soar unduly in her +own estimation. So I took care to show Lizzie all my poetry, and when +she showed me hers I did not admire it too warmly. Lizzie, as I have +already said, was in a Sunday-school mood even on week days; her +verses all had morals. My poems were about the crystal snow, and the +ocean blue, and sweet spring, and fleecy clouds; when I tried to drag +in a moral it kicked so that the music of my lines went out in a +groan. So I had a sweet revenge when Lizzie, one day, volunteered to +bolster up the eloquence of Mr. Jones, the principal, who was +lecturing the class for bad behavior, by comparing the bad boy in the +schoolroom to the rotten apple that spoils the barrelful. The groans, +coughs, a-hem's, feet shufflings, and paper pellets that filled the +room as Saint Elizabeth sat down, even in the principal's presence, +were sweet balm to my smart of envy; I didn't care if I didn't know +how to moralize. + +When my teacher had visitors I was aware that I was the show pupil of +the class. I was always made to recite, my compositions were passed +around, and often I was called up on the platform--oh, climax of +exaltation!--to be interviewed by the distinguished strangers; while +the class took advantage of the teacher's distraction, to hold +forbidden intercourse on matters not prescribed in the curriculum. +When I returned to my seat, after such public audience with the great, +I looked to see if Lizzie McDee was taking notice; and Lizzie, who was +a generous soul, her Sunday-school airs notwithstanding, generally +smiled, and I forgave her her rhymes. + +Not but what I paid a price for my honors. With all my self-possession +I had a certain capacity for shyness. Even when I arose to recite +before the customary audience of my class I suffered from incipient +stage fright, and my voice trembled over the first few words. When +visitors were in the room I was even more troubled; and when I was +made the special object of their attention my triumph was marred by +acute distress. If I was called up to speak to the visitors, forty +pairs of eyes pricked me in the back as I went. I stumbled in the +aisle, and knocked down things that were not at all in my way; and my +awkwardness increasing my embarrassment I would gladly have changed +places with Lizzie or the bad boy in the back row; anything, only to +be less conspicuous. When I found myself shaking hands with an august +School-Committeeman, or a teacher from New York, the remnants of my +self-possession vanished in awe; and it was in a very husky voice that +I repeated, as I was asked, my name, lineage, and personal history. On +the whole, I do not think that the School-Committeeman found a very +forward creature in the solemn-faced little girl with the tight curls +and the terrible red-and-green "plaid." + +These awful audiences did not always end with the handshaking. +Sometimes the great personages asked me to write to them, and +exchanged addresses with me. Some of these correspondences continued +through years, and were the source of much pleasure, on one side at +least. And Arlington Street took notice when I received letters with +important-looking or aristocratic-looking letterheads. Lizzie McDee +also took notice. _I_ saw to that. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +MIRACLES + + +It was not always in admiration that the finger was pointed at me. One +day I found myself the centre of an excited group in the middle of the +schoolyard, with a dozen girls interrupting each other to express +their disapproval of me. For I had coolly told them, in answer to a +question, that I did not believe in God. + +How had I arrived at such a conviction? How had I come, from praying +and fasting and Psalm-singing, to extreme impiety? Alas! my +backsliding had cost me no travail of spirit. Always weak in my faith, +playing at sanctity as I played at soldiers, just as I was in the mood +or not, I had neglected my books of devotion and given myself up to +profane literature at the first opportunity, in Vitebsk; and I never +took up my prayer book again. On my return to Polotzk, America loomed +so near that my imagination was fully occupied, and I did not revive +the secret experiments with which I used to test the nature and +intention of Deity. It was more to me that I was going to America than +that I might not be going to Heaven. And when we joined my father, and +I saw that he did not wear the sacred fringes, and did not put on the +phylacteries and pray, I was neither surprised nor shocked, +remembering the Sabbath night when he had with his own hand turned out +the lamp. When I saw him go out to work on Sabbath exactly as on a +week day, I understood why God had not annihilated me with his +lightnings that time when I purposely carried something in my pocket +on Sabbath: there was no God, and there was no sin. And I ran out to +play, pleased to find that I was free, like other little girls in the +street, instead of being hemmed about with prohibitions and +obligations at every step. And yet if the golden truth of Judaism had +not been handed me in the motley rags of formalism, I might not have +been so ready to put away my religion. + +It was Rachel Goldstein who provoked my avowal of atheism. She asked +if I wasn't going to stay out of school during Passover, and I said +no. Wasn't I a Jew? she wanted to know. No, I wasn't; I was a +Freethinker. What was that? I didn't believe in God. Rachel was +horrified. Why, Kitty Maloney believed in God, and Kitty was only a +Catholic! She appealed to Kitty. + +"Kitty Maloney! Come over here. Don't you believe in God?--There, now, +Mary Antin!--Mary Antin says she doesn't believe in God!" + +Rachel Goldstein's horror is duplicated. Kitty Maloney, who used to +mock Rachel's Jewish accent, instantly becomes her voluble ally, and +proceeds to annihilate me by plying me with crucial questions. + +"You don't believe in God? Then who made you, Mary Antin?" + +"Nature made me." + +"_Nature_ made you! What's that?" + +"It's--everything. It's the trees--no, it's what makes the trees grow. +_That's_ what it is." + +"But _God_ made the trees, Mary Antin," from Rachel and Kitty in +chorus. "Maggie O'Reilly! Listen to Mary Antin. She says there isn't +any God. She says the trees made her!" + +Rachel and Kitty and Maggie, Sadie and Annie and Beckie, made a circle +around me, and pressed me with questions, and mocked me, and +threatened me with hell flames and utter extinction. I held my ground +against them all obstinately enough, though my argument was +exceedingly lame. I glibly repeated phrases I had heard my father use, +but I had no real understanding of his atheistic doctrines. I had been +surprised into this dispute. I had no spontaneous interest in the +subject; my mind was occupied with other things. But as the number of +my opponents grew, and I saw how unanimously they condemned me, my +indifference turned into a heat of indignation. The actual point at +issue was as little as ever to me, but I perceived that a crowd of +Free Americans were disputing the right of a Fellow Citizen to have +any kind of God she chose. I knew, from my father's teaching, that +this persecution was contrary to the Constitution of the United +States, and I held my ground as befitted the defender of a cause. +George Washington would not have treated me as Rachel Goldstein and +Kitty Maloney were doing! "This is a free country," I reminded them in +the middle of the argument. + +The excitement in the yard amounted to a toy riot. When the school +bell rang and the children began to file in, I stood out there as long +as any of my enemies remained, although it was my habit to go to my +room very promptly. And as the foes of American Liberty crowded and +pushed in the line, whispering to those who had not heard that a +heretic had been discovered in their midst, the teacher who kept the +line in the corridor was obliged to scold and pull the noisy ones into +order; and Sadie Cohen told her, in tones of awe, what the commotion +was about. + +Miss Bland waited till the children had filed in before she asked me, +in a tone encouraging confidence, to give my version of the story. +This I did, huskily but fearlessly; and the teacher, who was a woman +of tact, did not smile or commit herself in any way. She was sorry +that the children had been rude to me, but she thought they would not +trouble me any more if I let the subject drop. She made me understand, +somewhat as Miss Dillingham had done on the occasion of my whispering +during prayer, that it was proper American conduct to avoid religious +arguments on school territory. I felt honored by this private +initiation into the doctrine of the separation of Church and State, +and I went to my seat with a good deal of dignity, my alarm about the +safety of the Constitution allayed by the teacher's calmness. + +This is not so strictly the story of the second generation that I may +not properly give a brief account of how it fared with my mother when +my father undertook to purge his house of superstition. The process of +her emancipation, it is true, was not obvious to me at the time, but +what I observed of her outward conduct has been interpreted by my +subsequent experience; so that to-day I understand how it happens that +all the year round my mother keeps the same day of rest as her Gentile +neighbors; but when the ram's horn blows on the Day of Atonement, +calling upon Israel to cleanse its heart from sin and draw nearer to +the God of its fathers, her soul is stirred as of old, and she needs +must join in the ancient service. It means, I have come to know, that +she has dropped the husk and retained the kernel of Judaism; but years +were required for this process of instinctive selection. + +My father, in his ambition to make Americans of us, was rather +headlong and strenuous in his methods. To my mother, on the eve of +departure for the New World, he wrote boldly that progressive Jews in +America did not spend their days in praying; and he urged her to leave +her wig in Polotzk, as a first step of progress. My mother, like the +majority of women in the Pale, had all her life taken her religion on +authority; so she was only fulfilling her duty to her husband when she +took his hint, and set out upon her journey in her own hair. Not that +it was done without reluctance; the Jewish faith in her was deeply +rooted, as in the best of Jews it always is. The law of the Fathers +was binding to her, and the outward symbols of obedience inseparable +from the spirit. But the breath of revolt against orthodox externals +was at this time beginning to reach us in Polotzk from the greater +world, notably from America. Sons whose parents had impoverished +themselves by paying the fine for non-appearance for military duty, in +order to save their darlings from the inevitable sins of violated +Judaism while in the service, sent home portraits of themselves with +their faces shaved; and the grieved old fathers and mothers, after +offering up special prayers for the renegades, and giving charity in +their name, exhibited the significant portraits on their parlor +tables. My mother's own nephew went no farther than Vilna, ten hours' +journey from Polotzk, to learn to cut his beard; and even within our +town limits young women of education were beginning to reject the wig +after marriage. A notorious example was the beautiful daughter of +Lozhe the Rav, who was not restrained by her father's conspicuous +relation to Judaism from exhibiting her lovely black curls like a +maiden; and it was a further sign of the times that the rav did not +disown his daughter. What wonder, then, that my poor mother, shaken +by these foreshadowings of revolution in our midst, and by the express +authority of her husband, gave up the emblem of matrimonial chastity +with but a passing struggle? Considering how the heavy burdens which +she had borne from childhood had never allowed her time to think for +herself at all, but had obliged her always to tread blindly in the +beaten paths, I think it greatly to her credit that in her puzzling +situation she did not lose her poise entirely. Bred to submission, +submit she must; and when she perceived a conflict of authorities, she +prepared to accept the new order of things under which her children's +future was to be formed; wherein she showed her native adaptability, +the readiness to fall into line, which is one of the most charming +traits of her gentle, self-effacing nature. + +My father gave my mother very little time to adjust herself. He was +only three years from the Old World with its settled prejudices. +Considering his education, he had thought out a good deal for himself, +but his line of thinking had not as yet brought him to include woman +in the intellectual emancipation for which he himself had been so +eager even in Russia. This was still in the day when he was astonished +to learn that women had written books--had used their minds, their +imaginations, unaided. He still rated the mental capacity of the +average woman as only a little above that of the cattle she tended. He +held it to be a wife's duty to follow her husband in all things. He +could do all the thinking for the family, he believed; and being +convinced that to hold to the outward forms of orthodox Judaism was to +be hampered in the race for Americanization, he did not hesitate to +order our family life on unorthodox lines. There was no conscious +despotism in this; it was only making manly haste to realize an ideal +the nobility of which there was no one to dispute. + +My mother, as we know, had not the initial impulse to depart from +ancient usage that my father had in his habitual scepticism. He had +always been a nonconformist in his heart; she bore lovingly the yoke +of prescribed conduct. Individual freedom, to him, was the only +tolerable condition of life; to her it was confusion. My mother, +therefore, gradually divested herself, at my father's bidding, of the +mantle of orthodox observance; but the process cost her many a pang, +because the fabric of that venerable garment was interwoven with the +fabric of her soul. + +My father did not attempt to touch the fundamentals of her faith. He +certainly did not forbid her to honor God by loving her neighbor, +which is perhaps not far from being the whole of Judaism. If his loud +denials of the existence of God influenced her to reconsider her +creed, it was merely an incidental result of the freedom of expression +he was so eager to practise, after his life of enforced hypocrisy. As +the opinions of a mere woman on matters so abstract as religion did +not interest him in the least, he counted it no particular triumph if +he observed that my mother weakened in her faith as the years went by. +He allowed her to keep a Jewish kitchen as long as she pleased, but he +did not want us children to refuse invitations to the table of our +Gentile neighbors. He would have no bar to our social intercourse with +the world around us, for only by freely sharing the life of our +neighbors could we come into our full inheritance of American freedom +and opportunity. On the holy days he bought my mother a ticket for the +synagogue, but the children he sent to school. On Sabbath eve my +mother might light the consecrated candles, but he kept the store open +until Sunday morning. My mother might believe and worship as she +pleased, up to the point where her orthodoxy began to interfere with +the American progress of the family. + +The price that all of us paid for this disorganization of our family +life has been levied on every immigrant Jewish household where the +first generation clings to the traditions of the Old World, while the +second generation leads the life of the New. Nothing more pitiful +could be written in the annals of the Jews; nothing more inevitable; +nothing more hopeful. Hopeful, yes; alike for the Jew and for the +country that has given him shelter. For Israel is not the only party +that has put up a forfeit in this contest. The nations may well sit by +and watch the struggle, for humanity has a stake in it. I say this, +whose life has borne witness, whose heart is heavy with revelations it +has not made. And I speak for thousands; oh, for thousands! + +My gray hairs are too few for me to let these pages trespass the limit +I have set myself. That part of my life which contains the climax of +my personal drama I must leave to my grandchildren to record. My +father might speak and tell how, in time, he discovered that in his +first violent rejection of everything old and established he cast from +him much that he afterwards missed. He might tell to what extent he +later retraced his steps, seeking to recover what he had learned to +value anew; how it fared with his avowed irreligion when put to the +extreme test; to what, in short, his emancipation amounted. And he, +like myself, would speak for thousands. My grandchildren, for all I +know, may have a graver task than I have set them. Perhaps they may +have to testify that the faith of Israel is a heritage that no heir in +the direct line has the power to alienate from his successors. Even I, +with my limited perspective, think it doubtful if the conversion of +the Jew to any alien belief or disbelief is ever thoroughly +accomplished. What positive affirmation of the persistence of Judaism +in the blood my descendants may have to make, I may not be present to +hear. + +It would be superfluous to state that none of these hints and +prophecies troubled me at the time when I horrified the schoolyard by +denying the existence of God, on the authority of my father; and +defended my right to my atheism, on the authority of the Constitution. +I considered myself absolutely, eternally, delightfully emancipated +from the yoke of indefensible superstitions. I was wild with +indignation and pity when I remembered how my poor brother had been +cruelly tormented because he did not want to sit in heder and learn +what was after all false or useless. I knew now why poor Reb' Lebe had +been unable to answer my questions; it was because the truth was not +whispered outside America. I was very much in love with my +enlightenment, and eager for opportunities to give proof of it. + +It was Miss Dillingham, she who helped me in so many ways, who +unconsciously put me to an early test, the result of which gave me a +shock that I did not get over for many a day. She invited me to tea +one day, and I came in much trepidation. It was my first entrance into +a genuine American household; my first meal at a Gentile--yes, a +Christian--board. Would I know how to behave properly? I do not know +whether I betrayed my anxiety; I am certain only that I was all eyes +and ears, that nothing should escape me which might serve to guide +me. This, after all, was a normal state for me to be in, so I suppose +I looked natural, no matter how much I stared. I had been accustomed +to consider my table manners irreproachable, but America was not +Polotzk, as my father was ever saying; so I proceeded very cautiously +with my spoons and forks. I was cunning enough to try to conceal my +uncertainty; by being just a little bit slow, I did not get to any +given spoon until the others at table had shown me which it was. + +All went well, until a platter was passed with a kind of meat that was +strange to me. Some mischievous instinct told me that it was +ham--forbidden food; and I, the liberal, the free, was afraid to touch +it! I had a terrible moment of surprise, mortification, self-contempt; +but I helped myself to a slice of ham, nevertheless, and hung my head +over my plate to hide my confusion. I was furious with myself for my +weakness. I to be afraid of a pink piece of pig's flesh, who had +defied at least two religions in defence of free thought! And I began +to reduce my ham to indivisible atoms, determined to eat more of it +than anybody at the table. + +Alas! I learned that to eat in defence of principles was not so easy +as to talk. I ate, but only a newly abnegated Jew can understand with +what squirming, what protesting of the inner man, what exquisite +abhorrence of myself. That Spartan boy who allowed the stolen fox +hidden in his bosom to consume his vitals rather than be detected in +the theft, showed no such miracle of self-control as did I, sitting +there at my friend's tea-table, eating unjewish meat. + +And to think that so ridiculous a thing as a scrap of meat should be +the symbol and test of things so august! To think that in the mental +life of a half-grown child should be reflected the struggles and +triumphs of ages! Over and over and over again I discover that I am a +wonderful thing, being human; that I am the image of the universe, +being myself; that I am the repository of all the wisdom in the world, +being alive and sane at the beginning of this twentieth century. The +heir of the ages am I, and all that has been is in me, and shall +continue to be in my immortal self. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +A CHILD'S PARADISE + + +All this while that I was studying and exploring in the borderland +between the old life and the new; leaping at conclusions, and +sometimes slipping; finding inspiration in common things, and +interpretations in dumb things; eagerly scaling the ladder of +learning, my eyes on star-diademmed peaks of ambition; building up +friendships that should support my youth and enrich my womanhood; +learning to think much of myself, and much more of my world,--while I +was steadily gathering in my heritage, sowed in the dim past, and +ripened in the sun of my own day, what was my sister doing? + +Why, what she had always done: keeping close to my mother's side on +the dreary marches of a humdrum life; sensing sweet gardens of +forbidden joy, but never turning from the path of duty. I cannot +believe but that her sacrifices tasted as dust and ashes to her at +times; for Frieda was a mere girl, whose childhood, on the whole, had +been gray, while her appetite for happy things was as great as any +normal girl's. She had a fine sense for what was best in the life +about her, though she could not articulate her appreciation. She +longed to possess the good things, but her position in the family +forbidding possession, she developed a talent for vicarious enjoyment +which I never in this life hope to imitate. And her simple mind did +not busy itself with self-analysis. She did not even know why she was +happy; she thought life was good to her. Still, there must have been +moments when she perceived that the finer things were not in +themselves unattainable, but were kept from her by a social tyranny. +This I can only surmise, as in our daily intercourse she never gave a +sign of discontent. + +We continued to have part of our life in common for some time after +she went to work. We formed ourselves into an evening school, she and +I and the two youngsters, for the study of English and arithmetic. As +soon as the supper dishes were put away, we gathered around the +kitchen table, with books borrowed from school, and pencils supplied +by my father with eager willingness. I was the teacher, the others the +diligent pupils; and the earnestness with which we labored was worthy +of the great things we meant to achieve. Whether the results were +commensurate with our efforts I cannot say. I only know that Frieda's +cheeks flamed with the excitement of reading English monosyllables; +and her eyes shone like stars on a moonless night when I explained to +her how she and I and George Washington were Fellow Citizens together. + +Inspired by our studious evenings, what Frieda Antin would not be glad +to sit all day bent over the needle, that the family should keep on +its feet, and Mary continue at school? The morning ride on the +ferryboat, when spring winds dimpled the river, may have stirred her +heart with nameless longings, but when she took her place at the +machine her lot was glorified to her, and she wanted to sing; for the +girls, the foreman, the boss, all talked about Mary Antin, whose poems +were printed in an American newspaper. Wherever she went on her humble +business, she was sure to hear her sister's name. For, with +characteristic loyalty, the whole Jewish community claimed kinship +with me, simply because I was a Jew; and they made much of my small +triumphs, and pointed to me with pride, just as they always do when a +Jew distinguishes himself in any worthy way. Frieda, going home from +work at sunset, when rosy buds beaded the shining stems, may have felt +the weariness of those who toil for bread; but when we opened our +books after supper, her spirit revived afresh, and it was only when +the lamp began to smoke that she thought of taking rest. + +At bedtime she and I chatted as we used to do when we were little +girls in Polotzk; only now, instead of closing our eyes to see +imaginary wonders, according to a bedtime game of ours, we exchanged +anecdotes about the marvellous adventures of our American life. My +contributions on these occasions were boastful accounts, I have no +doubt, of what I did at school, and in the company of school-committee +men, editors, and other notables; and Frieda's delight in my +achievements was the very flower of her fine sympathy. As formerly, +when I had been naughty and I invited her to share in my repentance, +she used to join me in spiritual humility and solemnly dedicate +herself to a better life; so now, when I was full of pride and +ambition, she, too, felt the crown on her brows, and heard the +applause of future generations murmuring in her ear. And so partaking +of her sister's glory, what Frieda Antin would not say that her +portion was sufficient reward for a youth of toil? + +I did not, like my sister, earn my bread in those days; but let us say +that I earned my salt, by sweeping, scrubbing, and scouring, on +Saturdays, when there was no school. My mother's housekeeping was +necessarily irregular, as she was pretty constantly occupied in the +store; so there was enough for us children to do to keep the bare +rooms shining. Even here Frieda did the lion's share; it used to take +me all Saturday to accomplish what Frieda would do with half a dozen +turns of her capable hands. I did not like housework, but I loved +order; so I polished windows with a will, and even got some fun out of +scrubbing, by laying out the floor in patterns and tracing them all +around the room in a lively flurry of soapsuds. + +There is a joy that comes from doing common things well, especially if +they seem hard to us. When I faced a day's housework I was half +paralyzed with a sense of inability, and I wasted precious minutes +walking around it, to see what a very hard task I had. But having +pitched in and conquered, it gave me an exquisite pleasure to survey +my work. My hair tousled and my dress tucked up, streaked arms bare to +the elbow, I would step on my heels over the damp, clean boards, and +pass my hand over chair rounds and table legs, to prove that no dust +was left. I could not wait to put my dress in order before running out +into the street to see how my windows shone. Every workman who carries +a dinner pail has these moments of keen delight in the product of his +drudgery. Men of genius, likewise, in their hours of relaxation from +their loftier tasks, prove this universal rule. I know a man who fills +a chair at a great university. I have seen him hold a roomful of +otherwise restless youths spellbound for an hour, while he discoursed +about the respective inhabitants of the earth and sea at a time when +nothing walked on fewer than four legs. And I have seen this scholar, +his ponderous tomes shelved for a space, turning over and over with +cherishing hands a letter-box that he had made out of card-board and +paste, and exhibiting it proudly to his friends. For the hand was the +first instrument of labor, that distinctive accomplishment by which +man finally raised himself above his cousins, the lower animals; and a +respect for the work of the hand survives as an instinct in all of us. + +The stretch of weeks from June to September, when the schools were +closed, would have been hard to fill in had it not been for the public +library. At first I made myself a calendar of the vacation months, and +every morning I tore off a day, and comforted myself with the +decreasing number of vacation days. But after I discovered the public +library I was not impatient for the reopening of school. The library +did not open till one o'clock in the afternoon, and each reader was +allowed to take out only one book at a time. Long before one o'clock I +was to be seen on the library steps, waiting for the door of paradise +to open. I spent hours in the reading-room, pleased with the +atmosphere of books, with the order and quiet of the place, so unlike +anything on Arlington Street. The sense of these things permeated my +consciousness even when I was absorbed in a book, just as the rustle +of pages turned and the tiptoe tread of the librarian reached my ear, +without distracting my attention. Anything so wonderful as a library +had never been in my life. It was even better than school in some +ways. One could read and read, and learn and learn, as fast as one +knew how, without being obliged to stop for stupid little girls and +inattentive little boys to catch up with the lesson. When I went home +from the library I had a book under my arm; and I would finish it +before the library opened next day, no matter till what hours of the +night I burned my little lamp. + +What books did I read so diligently? Pretty nearly everything that +came to my hand. I dare say the librarian helped me select my books, +but, curiously enough, I do not remember. Something must have directed +me, for I read a great many of the books that are written for +children. Of these I remember with the greatest delight Louisa +Alcott's stories. A less attractive series of books was of the Sunday +School type. In volume after volume a very naughty little girl by the +name of Lulu was always going into tempers, that her father might have +opportunity to lecture her and point to her angelic little sister, +Gracie, as an example of what she should be; after which they all felt +better and prayed. Next to Louisa Alcott's books in my esteem were +boys' books of adventure, many of them by Horatio Alger; and I read +all, I suppose, of the Rollo books, by Jacob Abbott. + +But that was not all. I read every kind of printed rubbish that came +into the house, by design or accident. A weekly story paper of a worse +than worthless character, that circulated widely in our neighborhood +because subscribers were rewarded with a premium of a diamond ring, +warranted I don't know how many karats, occupied me for hours. The +stories in this paper resembled, in breathlessness of plot, abundance +of horrors, and improbability of characters, the things I used to read +in Vitebsk. The text was illustrated by frequent pictures, in which +the villain generally had his hands on the heroine's throat, while the +hero was bursting in through a graceful drapery to the rescue of his +beloved. If a bundle came into the house wrapped in a stained old +newspaper, I laboriously smoothed out the paper and read it through. I +enjoyed it all, and found fault with nothing that I read. And, as in +the case of the Vitebsk readings, I cannot find that I suffered any +harm. Of course, reading so many better books, there came a time when +the diamond-ring story paper disgusted me; but in the beginning my +appetite for print was so enormous that I could let nothing pass +through my hands unread, while my taste was so crude that nothing +printed could offend me. + +Good reading matter came into the house from one other source besides +the library. The Yiddish newspapers of the day were excellent, and my +father subscribed to the best of them. Since that time Yiddish +journalism has sadly degenerated, through imitation of the vicious +"yellow journals" of the American press. + +There was one book in the library over which I pored very often, and +that was the encyclopædia. I turned usually to the names of famous +people, beginning, of course, with George Washington. Oftenest of all +I read the biographical sketches of my favorite authors, and felt that +the worthies must have been glad to die just to have their names and +histories printed out in the book of fame. It seemed to me the +apotheosis of glory to be even briefly mentioned in an encyclopædia. +And there grew in me an enormous ambition that devoured all my other +ambitions, which was no less than this: that I should live to know +that after my death my name would surely be printed in the +encyclopædia. It was such a prodigious thing to expect that I kept the +idea a secret even from myself, just letting it lie where it sprouted, +in an unexplored corner of my busy brain. But it grew on me in spite +of myself, till finally I could not resist the temptation to study out +the exact place in the encyclopædia where my name would belong. I saw +that it would come not far from "Alcott, Louisa M."; and I covered my +face with my hands, to hide the silly, baseless joy in it. I practised +saying my name in the encyclopædic form, "Antin, Mary"; and I realized +that it sounded chopped off, and wondered if I might not annex a +middle initial. I wanted to ask my teacher about it, but I was afraid +I might betray my reasons. For, infatuated though I was with the idea +of the greatness I might live to attain, I knew very well that thus +far my claims to posthumous fame were ridiculously unfounded, and I +did not want to be laughed at for my vanity. + +Spirit of all childhood! Forgive me, forgive me, for so lightly +betraying a child's dream-secrets. I that smile so scoffingly to-day +at the unsophisticated child that was myself, have I found any nobler +thing in life than my own longing to be noble? Would I not rather be +consumed by ambitions that can never be realized than live in stupid +acceptance of my neighbor's opinion of me? The statue in the public +square is less a portrait of a mortal individual than a symbol of the +immortal aspiration of humanity. So do not laugh at the little boy +playing at soldiers, if he tells you he is going to hew the world into +good behavior when he gets to be a man. And do, by all means, write my +name in the book of fame, saying, She was one who aspired. For that, +in condensed form, is the story of the lives of the great. + + * * * * * + +Summer days are long, and the evenings, we know, are as long as the +lamp-wick. So, with all my reading, I had time to play; and, with all +my studiousness, I had the will to play. My favorite playmates were +boys. It was but mild fun to play theatre in Bessie Finklestein's +back yard, even if I had leading parts, which I made impressive by +recitations in Russian, no word of which was intelligible to my +audience. It was far better sport to play hide-and-seek with the boys, +for I enjoyed the use of my limbs--what there was of them. I was so +often reproached and teased for being little, that it gave me great +satisfaction to beat a five-foot boy to the goal. + +Once a great, hulky colored boy, who was the torment of the +neighborhood, treated me roughly while I was playing on the street. My +father, determined to teach the rascal a lesson for once, had him +arrested and brought to court. The boy was locked up overnight, and he +emerged from his brief imprisonment with a respect for the rights and +persons of his neighbors. But the moral of this incident lies not +herein. What interested me more than my revenge on a bully was what I +saw of the way in which justice was actually administered in the +United States. Here we were gathered in the little courtroom, bearded +Arlington Street against wool-headed Arlington Street; accused and +accuser, witnesses, sympathizers, sight-seers, and all. Nobody +cringed, nobody was bullied, nobody lied who didn't want to. We were +all free, and all treated equally, just as it said in the +Constitution! The evil-doer was actually punished, and not the victim, +as might very easily happen in a similar case in Russia. "Liberty and +justice for all." Three cheers for the Red, White, and Blue! + +There was one occasion in the week when I was ever willing to put away +my book, no matter how entrancing were its pages. That was on Saturday +night, when Bessie Finklestein called for me; and Bessie and I, with +arms entwined, called for Sadie Rabinowitch; and Bessie and Sadie and +I, still further entwined, called for Annie Reilly; and Bessie, etc., +etc., inextricably wound up, marched up Broadway, and took possession +of all we saw, heard, guessed, or desired, from end to end of that +main thoroughfare of Chelsea. + +Parading all abreast, as many as we were, only breaking ranks to let +people pass; leaving the imprints of our noses and fingers on +plate-glass windows ablaze with electric lights and alluring with +display; inspecting tons of cheap candy, to find a few pennies' worth +of the most enduring kind, the same to be sucked and chewed by the +company, turn and turn about, as we continued our promenade; loitering +wherever a crowd gathered, or running for a block or so to cheer on +the fire-engine or police ambulance; getting into everybody's way, and +just keeping clear of serious mischief,--we were only girls,--we +enjoyed ourselves as only children can whose fathers keep a basement +grocery store, whose mothers do their own washing, and whose sisters +operate a machine for five dollars a week. Had we been boys, I suppose +Bessie and Sadie and the rest of us would have been a "gang," and +would have popped into the Chinese laundry to tease "Chinky Chinaman," +and been chased by the "cops" from comfortable doorsteps, and had a +"bully" time of it. Being what we were, we called ourselves a "set," +and we had a "lovely" time, as people who passed us on Broadway could +not fail to see. And hear. For we were at the giggling age, and +Broadway on Saturday night was full of giggles for us. We stayed out +till all hours, too; for Arlington Street had no strict domestic +programme, not even in the nursery, the inmates of which were as +likely to be found in the gutter as in their cots, at any time this +side of one o'clock in the morning. + +There was an element in my enjoyment that was yielded neither by the +sights, the adventures, nor the chewing-candy. I had a keen feeling +for the sociability of the crowd. All plebeian Chelsea was abroad, and +a bourgeois population is nowhere unneighborly. Women shapeless with +bundles, their hats awry over thin, eager faces, gathered in knots on +the edge of the curb, boasting of their bargains. Little girls in +curlpapers and little boys in brimless hats clung to their skirts, +whining for pennies, only to be silenced by absent-minded cuffs. A few +disconsolate fathers strayed behind these family groups, the rest +being distributed between the barber shops and the corner lamp-posts. +I understood these people, being one of them, and I liked them, and I +found it all delightfully sociable. + +Saturday night is the workman's wife's night, but that does not +entirely prevent my lady from going abroad, if only to leave an order +at the florist's. So it happened that Bellingham Hill and Washington +Avenue, the aristocratic sections of Chelsea, mingled with Arlington +Street on Broadway, to the further enhancement of my enjoyment of the +occasion. For I always loved a mixed crowd. I loved the contrasts, the +high lights and deep shadows, and the gradations that connect the two, +and make all life one. I saw many, many things that I was not aware of +seeing at the time. I only found out afterwards what treasures my +brain had stored up, when, coming to the puzzling places in life, +light and meaning would suddenly burst on me, the hidden fruit of some +experience that had not impressed me at the time. + +How many times, I wonder, did I brush past my destiny on Broadway, +foolishly staring after it, instead of going home to pray? I wonder +did a stranger collide with me, and put me patiently out of his way, +wondering why such a mite was not at home and abed at ten o'clock in +the evening, and never dreaming that one day he might have to reckon +with me? Did some one smile down on my childish glee, I wonder, +unwarned of a day when we should weep together? I wonder--I wonder. A +million threads of life and love and sorrow was the common street; and +whether we would or not, we entangled ourselves in a common maze, +without paying the homage of a second glance to those who would some +day master us; too dull to pick that face from out the crowd which one +day would bend over us in love or pity or remorse. What company of +skipping, laughing little girls is to be reproached for careless +hours, when men and women on every side stepped heedlessly into the +traps of fate? Small sin it was to annoy my neighbor by getting in his +way, as I stared over my shoulder, if a grown man knew no better than +to drop a word in passing that might turn the course of another's +life, as a boulder rolled down from the mountain-side deflects the +current of a brook. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +MANNA + + +So went the life in Chelsea for the space of a year or so. Then my +father, finding a discrepancy between his assets and liabilities on +the wrong side of the ledger, once more struck tent, collected his +flock, and set out in search of richer pastures. + +There was a charming simplicity about these proceedings. Here to-day, +apparently rooted; there to-morrow, and just as much at home. Another +basement grocery, with a freshly painted sign over the door; the broom +in the corner, the loaf on the table--these things made home for us. +There were rather more Negroes on Wheeler Street, in the lower South +End of Boston, than there had been on Arlington Street, which promised +more numerous outstanding accounts; but they were a neighborly folk, +and they took us strangers in--sometimes very badly. Then there was +the school three blocks away, where "America" was sung to the same +tune as in Chelsea, and geography was made as dark a mystery. It was +impossible not to feel at home. + +And presently, lest anything be lacking to our domestic bliss, there +was a new baby in a borrowed crib; and little Dora had only a few more +turns to take with her battered doll carriage before a life-size +vehicle with a more animated dolly was turned over to her constant +care. + +The Wheeler Street neighborhood is not a place where a refined young +lady would care to find herself alone, even in the cheery daylight. If +she came at all, she would be attended by a trusty escort. She +would not get too close to people on the doorsteps, and she would +shrink away in disgust and fear from a blear-eyed creature careering +down the sidewalk on many-jointed legs. The delicate damsel would +hasten home to wash and purify and perfume herself till the foul +contact of Wheeler Street was utterly eradicated, and her wonted +purity restored. And I do not blame her. I only wish that she would +bring a little soap and water and perfumery into Wheeler Street next +time she comes; for some people there may be smothering in the filth +which they abhor as much as she, but from which they cannot, like her, +run away. + + [Illustration: WHEELER STREET, IN THE LOWER SOUTH END OF BOSTON] + +Many years after my escape from Wheeler Street I returned to see if +the place was as bad as I remembered it. I found the narrow street +grown even narrower, the sidewalk not broad enough for two to walk +abreast, the gutter choked with dust and refuse, the dingy row of +tenements on either side unspeakably gloomy. I discovered, what I had +not realized before, that Wheeler Street was a crooked lane connecting +a corner saloon on Shawmut Avenue with a block of houses of ill repute +on Corning Street. It had been the same in my day, but I had not +understood much, and I lived unharmed. + +On this later visit I walked slowly up one side of the street, and +down the other, remembering many things. It was eleven o'clock in the +evening, and sounds of squabbling coming through doors and windows +informed my experienced ear that a part of Wheeler Street was going to +bed. The grocery store in the basement of Number 11--my father's old +store--was still open for business; and in the gutter in front of the +store, to be sure, was a happy baby, just as there used to be. + +I was not alone on this tour of inspection. I was attended by a trusty +escort. But I brought soap and water with me. I am applying them now. + +I found no fault with Wheeler Street when I was fourteen years old. On +the contrary, I pronounced it good. We had never lived so near the car +tracks before, and I delighted in the moonlike splendor of the arc +lamp just in front of the saloon. The space illumined by this lamp and +enlivened by the passage of many thirsty souls was the favorite +playground for Wheeler Street youth. On our street there was not room +to turn around; here the sidewalk spread out wider as it swung around +to Shawmut Avenue. + +I played with the boys by preference, as in Chelsea. I learned to cut +across the tracks in front of an oncoming car, and it was great fun to +see the motorman's angry face turn scared, when he thought I was going +to be shaved this time sure. It was amusing, too, to watch the side +door of the saloon, which opened right opposite the grocery store, and +see a drunken man put out by the bartender. The fellow would whine so +comically, and cling to the doorpost so like a damp leaf to a twig, +and blubber so like a red-faced baby, that it was really funny to see +him. + +And there was Morgan Chapel. It was worth coming to Wheeler Street +just for that. All the children of the neighborhood, except the most +rowdyish, flocked to Morgan Chapel at least once a week. This was on +Saturday evening, when a free entertainment was given, consisting of +music, recitations, and other parlor accomplishments. The performances +were exceedingly artistic, according to the impartial judgment of +juvenile Wheeler Street. I can speak with authority for the crowd of +us from Number 11. We hung upon the lips of the beautiful ladies who +read or sang to us; and they in turn did their best, recognizing the +quality of our approval. We admired the miraculously clean gentlemen +who sang or played, as heartily as we applauded their performance. +Sometimes the beautiful ladies were accompanied by ravishing little +girls who stood up in a glory of golden curls, frilled petticoats, and +silk stockings, to recite pathetic or comic pieces, with trained +expression and practised gestures that seemed to us the perfection of +the elocutionary art. We were all a little bit stage-struck after +these entertainments; but what was more, we were genuinely moved by +the glimpses of a fairer world than ours which we caught through the +music and poetry; the world in which the beautiful ladies dwelt with +the fairy children and the clean gentlemen. + +Brother Hotchkins, who managed these entertainments, knew what he was +there for. His programmes were masterly. Classics of the lighter sort +were judiciously interspersed with the favorite street songs of the +day. Nothing that savored of the chapel was there: the hour was +honestly devoted to entertainment. The total effect was an exquisitely +balanced compound of pleasure, wonder, and longing. Knock-kneed men +with purple noses, bristling chins, and no collars, who slouched in +sceptically and sat tentatively on the edge of the rear settees at the +beginning of the concert, moved nearer the front as the programme went +on, and openly joined in the applause at the end. Scowling fellows who +came in with defiant faces occasionally slunk out shamefaced; and both +the knock-kneed and the defiant sometimes remained to hear Brother +Tompkins pray and preach. And it was all due to Brother Hotchkins's +masterly programme. The children behaved very well, for the most part; +the few "toughs" who came in on purpose to make trouble were promptly +expelled by Brother Hotchkins and his lieutenants. + +I could not help admiring Brother Hotchkins, he was so eminently +efficient in every part of the hall, at every stage of the +proceedings. I always believed that he was the author of the alluring +notices that occupied the bulletin board every Saturday, though I +never knew it for a fact. The way he handled the bad boys was +masterly. The way he introduced the performers was inimitable. The way +he did everything was the best way. And yet I did not like Brother +Hotchkins. I could not. He was too slim, too pale, too fair. His voice +was too encouraging, his smile was too restrained. The man was a +missionary, and it stuck out all over him. I could not abide a +missionary. That was the Jew in me, the European Jew, trained by the +cruel centuries of his outcast existence to distrust any one who spoke +of God by any other name than _Adonai_. But I should have resented the +suggestion that inherited distrust was the cause of my dislike for +good Brother Hotchkins; for I considered myself freed from racial +prejudices, by the same triumph of my infallible judgment which had +lifted from me the yoke of credulity. An uncompromising atheist, such +as I was at the age of fourteen, was bound to scorn all those who +sought to implant religion in their fellow men, and thereby prolong +the reign of superstition. Of course that was the explanation. + +Brother Hotchkins, happily unconscious of my disapproval of his +complexion, arose at intervals behind the railing, to announce, from a +slip of paper, that "the next number on our programme will be a +musical selection by," etc., etc.; until he arrived at "I am sure you +will all join me in thanking the ladies and gentlemen who have +entertained us this evening." And as I moved towards the door with my +companions, I would hear his voice raised for the inevitable "You are +all invited to remain to a short prayer service, after which--" a +little louder--"refreshments will be served in the vestry. I will ask +Brother Tompkins to--" The rest was lost in the shuffle of feet about +the door and the roar of electric cars glancing past each other on +opposite tracks. I always got out of the chapel before Brother +Tompkins could do me any harm. As if there was anything he could steal +from me, now that there was no God in my heart! + +If I were to go back to Morgan Chapel now, I should stay to hear +Brother Tompkins, and as many other brethren as might have anything to +say. I would sit very still in my corner seat and listen to the +prayer, and silently join in the Amen. For I know now what Wheeler +Street is, and I know what Morgan Chapel is there for, in the midst of +those crooked alleys, those saloons, those pawnshops, those gloomy +tenements. It is there to apply soap and water, and it is doing that +all the time. I have learned, since my deliverance from Wheeler +Street, that there is more than one road to any given goal. I should +look with respect at Brother Hotchkins applying soap and water in his +own way, convinced at last that my way is not the only way. Men must +work with those tools to the use of which they are best fitted by +nature. Brother Hotchkins must pray, and I must bear witness, and +another must nurse a feeble infant. We are all honest workmen, and +deserve standing-room in the workshop of sweating humanity. It is +only the idle scoffers who stand by and jeer at our efforts to cleanse +our house that should be kicked out of the door, as Brother Hotchkins +turned out the rowdies. + +It was characteristic of the looseness of our family discipline at +this time that nobody was seriously interested in our visits to Morgan +Chapel. Our time was our own, after school duties and household tasks +were done. Joseph sold newspapers after school; I swept and washed +dishes; Dora minded the baby. For the rest, we amused ourselves as +best we could. Father and mother were preoccupied with the store day +and night; and not so much with weighing and measuring and making +change as with figuring out how long it would take the outstanding +accounts to ruin the business entirely. If my mother had scruples +against her children resorting to a building with a cross on it, she +did not have time to formulate them. If my father heard us talking +about Morgan Chapel, he dismissed the subject with a sarcastic +characterization, and wanted to know if we were going to join the +Salvation Army next; but he did not seriously care, and he was willing +that the children should have a good time. And if my parents had +objected to Morgan Chapel, was the sidewalk in front of the saloon a +better place for us children to spend the evening? They could not have +argued with us very long, so they hardly argued at all. + +In Polotzk we had been trained and watched, our days had been +regulated, our conduct prescribed. In America, suddenly, we were let +loose on the street. Why? Because my father having renounced his +faith, and my mother being uncertain of hers, they had no particular +creed to hold us to. The conception of a system of ethics independent +of religion could not at once enter as an active principle in their +life; so that they could give a child no reason why to be truthful or +kind. And as with religion, so it fared with other branches of our +domestic education. Chaos took the place of system; uncertainty, +inconsistency undermined discipline. My parents knew only that they +desired us to be like American children; and seeing how their +neighbors gave their children boundless liberty, they turned us also +loose, never doubting but that the American way was the best way. In +public deportment, in etiquette, in all matters of social intercourse, +they had no standards to go by, seeing that America was not Polotzk. +In their bewilderment and uncertainty they needs must trust us +children to learn from such models as the tenements afforded. More +than this, they must step down from their throne of parental +authority, and take the law from their children's mouths; for they had +no other means of finding out what was good American form. The result +was that laxity of domestic organization, that inversion of normal +relations which makes for friction, and which sometimes ends in +breaking up a family that was formerly united and happy. + +This sad process of disintegration of home life may be observed in +almost any immigrant family of our class and with our traditions and +aspirations. It is part of the process of Americanization; an upheaval +preceding the state of repose. It is the cross that the first and +second generations must bear, an involuntary sacrifice for the sake of +the future generations. These are the pains of adjustment, as racking +as the pains of birth. And as the mother forgets her agonies in the +bliss of clasping her babe to her breast, so the bent and heart-sore +immigrant forgets exile and homesickness and ridicule and loss and +estrangement, when he beholds his sons and daughters moving as +Americans among Americans. + +On Wheeler Street there were no real homes. There were miserable flats +of three or four rooms, or fewer, in which families that did not +practise race suicide cooked, washed, and ate; slept from two to four +in a bed, in windowless bedrooms; quarrelled in the gray morning, and +made up in the smoky evening; tormented each other, supported each +other, saved each other, drove each other out of the house. But there +was no common life in any form that means life. There was no room for +it, for one thing. Beds and cribs took up most of the floor space, +disorder packed the interspaces. The centre table in the "parlor" was +not loaded with books. It held, invariably, a photograph album and an +ornamental lamp with a paper shade; and the lamp was usually out of +order. So there was as little motive for a common life as there was +room. The yard was only big enough for the perennial rubbish heap. The +narrow sidewalk was crowded. What were the people to do with +themselves? There were the saloons, the missions, the libraries, the +cheap amusement places, and the neighborhood houses. People selected +their resorts according to their tastes. The children, let it be +thankfully recorded, flocked mostly to the clubs; the little girls to +sew, cook, dance, and play games; the little boys to hammer and paste, +mend chairs, debate, and govern a toy republic. All these, of course, +are forms of baptism by soap and water. + +Our neighborhood went in search of salvation to Morgan Memorial Hall, +Barnard Memorial, Morgan Chapel aforementioned, and some other clean +places that lighted a candle in their window. My brother, my sister +Dora, and I were introduced to some of the clubs by our young +neighbors, and we were glad to go. For our home also gave us little +besides meals in the kitchen and beds in the dark. What with the six +of us, and the store, and the baby, and sometimes a "greener" or two +from Polotzk, whom we lodged as a matter of course till they found a +permanent home--what with such a company and the size of our tenement, +we needed to get out almost as much as our neighbors' children. I say +almost; for our parlor we managed to keep pretty clear, and the lamp +on our centre table was always in order, and its light fell often on +an open book. Still, it was part of the life of Wheeler Street to +belong to clubs, so we belonged. + +I didn't care for sewing or cooking, so I joined a dancing-club; and +even here I was a failure. I had been a very good dancer in Russia, +but here I found all the steps different, and I did not have the +courage to go out in the middle of the slippery floor and mince it and +toe it in front of the teacher. When I retired to a corner and tried +to play dominoes, I became suddenly shy of my partner; and I never +could win a game of checkers, although formerly I used to beat my +father at it. I tried to be friends with a little girl I had known in +Chelsea, but she met my advances coldly. She lived on Appleton Street, +which was too aristocratic to mix with Wheeler Street. Geraldine was +studying elocution, and she wore a scarlet cape and hood, and she was +going on the stage by and by. I acknowledged that her sense of +superiority was well-founded, and retired farther into my corner, for +the first time conscious of my shabbiness and lowliness. + +I looked on at the dancing until I could endure it no longer. Overcome +by a sense of isolation and unfitness, I slipped out of the room, +avoiding the teacher's eye, and went home to write melancholy poetry. + +What had come over me? Why was I, the confident, the ambitious, +suddenly grown so shy and meek? Why was the candidate for encyclopædic +immortality overawed by a scarlet hood? Why did I, a very tomboy +yesterday, suddenly find my playmates stupid, and hide-and-seek a +bore? I did not know why. I only knew that I was lonely and troubled +and sore; and I went home to write sad poetry. + +I shall never forget the pattern of the red carpet in our parlor,--we +had achieved a carpet since Chelsea days,--because I lay for hours +face down on the floor, writing poetry on a screechy slate. When I had +perfected my verses, and copied them fair on the famous blue-lined +note paper, and saw that I had made a very pathetic poem indeed, I +felt better. And this happened over and over again. I gave up the +dancing-club, I ceased to know the rowdy little boys, and I wrote +melancholy poetry oftener, and felt better. The centre table became my +study. I read much, and mooned between chapters, and wrote long +letters to Miss Dillingham. + +For some time I wrote to her almost daily. That was when I found in my +heart such depths of woe as I could not pack into rhyme. And finally +there came a day when I could utter my trouble in neither verse nor +prose, and I implored Miss Dillingham to come to me and hear my +sorrowful revelations. But I did not want her to come to the house. In +the house there was no privacy; I could not talk. Would she meet me on +Boston Common at such and such a time? + +Would she? She was a devoted friend, and a wise woman. She met me on +Boston Common. It was a gray autumn day--was it not actually +drizzling?--and I was cold sitting on the bench; but I was thrilled +through and through with the sense of the magnitude of my troubles, +and of the romantic nature of the rendezvous. Who that was even half +awake when he was growing up does not know what all these symptoms +betokened? Miss Dillingham understood, and she wisely gave me no +inkling of her diagnosis. She let me talk and kept a grave face. She +did not belittle my troubles--I made specific charges against my home, +members of my family, and life in general; she did not say that I +would get over them, that every growing girl suffers from the blues; +that I was, in brief, a little goose stretching my wings for flight. +She told me rather that it would be noble to bear my sorrows bravely, +to soothe those who irritated me, to live each day with all my might. +She reminded me of great men and women who have suffered, and who +overcame their troubles by living and working. And she sent me home +amazingly comforted, my pettiness and self-consciousness routed by the +quiet influence of her gray eyes searching mine. This, or something +like this, had to be repeated many times, as anybody will know who was +present at the slow birth of his manhood. From now on, for some years, +of course, I must weep and laugh out of season, stand on tiptoe to +pluck the stars in heaven, love and hate immoderately, propound +theories of the destiny of man, and not know what is going on in my +own heart. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +TARNISHED LAURELS + + +In the intervals of harkening to my growing-pains I was, of course, +still a little girl. As a little girl, in many ways immature for my +age, I finished my course in the grammar school, and was graduated +with honors, four years after my landing in Boston. + +Wheeler Street recognizes five great events in a girl's life: namely, +christening, confirmation, graduation, marriage, and burial. These +occasions all require full dress for the heroine, and full dress is +forthcoming, no matter if the family goes into debt for it. There was +not a girl who came to school in rags all the year round that did not +burst forth in sudden glory on Graduation Day. Fine muslin frocks, +lace-trimmed petticoats, patent-leather shoes, perishable hats, +gloves, parasols, fans--every girl had them. A mother who had scrubbed +floors for years to keep her girl in school was not going to have her +shamed in the end for want of a pretty dress. So she cut off the +children's supply of butter and worked nights and borrowed and fell +into arrears with the rent; and on Graduation Day she felt +magnificently rewarded, seeing her Mamie as fine as any girl in the +school. And in order to preserve for posterity this triumphant +spectacle, she took Mamie, after the exercises, to be photographed, +with her diploma in one hand, a bouquet in the other, and the gloves, +fan, parasol, and patent-leather shoes in full sight around a fancy +table. Truly, the follies of the poor are worth studying. + +It did not strike me as folly, but as the fulfilment of the portent of +my natal star, when I saw myself, on Graduation Day, arrayed like unto +a princess. Frills, lace, patent-leather shoes--I had everything. I +even had a sash with silk fringes. + +Did I speak of folly? Listen, and I will tell you quite another tale. +Perhaps when you have heard it you will not be too hasty to run and +teach The Poor. Perhaps you will admit that The Poor may have +something to teach you. + +Before we had been two years in America, my sister Frieda was engaged +to be married. This was under the old dispensation: Frieda came to +America too late to avail herself of the gifts of an American +girlhood. Had she been two years younger she might have dodged her +circumstances, evaded her Old-World fate. She would have gone to +school and imbibed American ideas. She might have clung to her +girlhood longer instead of marrying at seventeen. I am so fond of the +American way that it has always seemed to me a pitiful accident that +my sister should have come so near and missed by so little the +fulfilment of my country's promise to women. A long girlhood, a free +choice in marriage, and a brimful womanhood are the precious rights of +an American woman. + +My father was too recently from the Old World to be entirely free from +the influence of its social traditions. He had put Frieda to work out +of necessity. The necessity was hardly lifted when she had an offer of +marriage, but my father would not stand in the way of what he +considered her welfare. Let her escape from the workshop, if she had a +chance, while the roses were still in her cheeks. If she remained for +ten years more bent over the needle, what would she gain? Not even +her personal comfort; for Frieda never called her earnings her own, +but spent everything on the family, denying herself all but +necessities. The young man who sued for her was a good workman, +earning fair wages, of irreproachable character, and refined manners. +My father had known him for years. + +So Frieda was to be released from the workshop. The act was really in +the nature of a sacrifice on my father's part, for he was still in the +woods financially, and would sorely miss Frieda's wages. The greater +the pity, therefore, that there was no one to counsel him to give +America more time with my sister. She attended the night school; she +was fond of reading. In books, in a slowly ripening experience, she +might have found a better answer to the riddle of a girl's life than a +premature marriage. + +My sister's engagement pleased me very well. Our confidences were not +interrupted, and I understood that she was happy. I was very fond of +Moses Rifkin myself. He was the nicest young man of my acquaintance, +not at all like other workmen. He was very kind to us children, +bringing us presents and taking us out for excursions. He had a sense +of humor, and he was going to marry our Frieda. How could I help being +pleased? + +The marriage was not to take place for some time, and in the interval +Frieda remained in the shop. She continued to bring home all her +wages. If she was going to desert the family, she would not let them +feel it sooner than she must. + +Then all of a sudden she turned spendthrift. She appropriated I do not +know what fabulous sums, to spend just as she pleased, for once. She +attended bargain sales, and brought away such finery as had never +graced our flat before. Home from work in the evening, after a hurried +supper, she shut herself up in the parlor, and cut and snipped and +measured and basted and stitched as if there were nothing else in the +world to do. It was early summer, and the air had a wooing touch, even +on Wheeler Street. Moses Rifkin came, and I suppose he also had a +wooing touch. But Frieda only smiled and shook her head; and as her +mouth was full of pins, it was physically impossible for Moses to +argue. She remained all evening in a white disorder of tucked +breadths, curled ruffles, dismembered sleeves, and swirls of fresh +lace; her needle glancing in the lamplight, and poor Moses picking up +her spools. + +Her trousseau, was it not? No, not her trousseau. It was my graduation +dress on which she was so intent. And when it was finished, and was +pronounced a most beautiful dress, and she ought to have been +satisfied, Frieda went to the shops once more and bought the sash with +the silk fringes. + +The improvidence of the poor is a most distressing spectacle to all +right-minded students of sociology. But please spare me your homily +this time. It does not apply. The poor are the poor in spirit. Those +who are rich in spiritual endowment will never be found bankrupt. + +Graduation Day was nothing less than a triumph for me. It was not only +that I had two pieces to speak, one of them an original composition; +it was more because I was known in my school district as the +"smartest" girl in the class, and all eyes were turned on the prodigy, +and I was aware of it. I was aware of everything. That is why I am +able to tell you everything now. + +The assembly hall was crowded to bursting, but my friends had no +trouble in finding seats. They were ushered up to the platform, which +was reserved for guests of honor. I was very proud to see my friends +treated with such distinction. My parents were there, and Frieda, of +course; Miss Dillingham, and some others of my Chelsea teachers. A +dozen or so of my humbler friends and acquaintances were scattered +among the crowd on the floor. + +When I stepped up on the stage to read my composition I was seized +with stage fright. The floor under my feet and the air around me were +oppressively present to my senses, while my own hand I could not have +located. I did not know where my body began or ended, I was so +conscious of my gloves, my shoes, my flowing sash. My wonderful dress, +in which I had taken so much satisfaction, gave me the most trouble. I +was suddenly paralyzed by a conviction that it was too short, and it +seemed to me I stood on absurdly long legs. And ten thousand people +were looking up at me. It was horrible! + +I suppose I no more than cleared my throat before I began to read, but +to me it seemed that I stood petrified for an age, an awful silence +booming in my ears. My voice, when at last I began, sounded far away. +I thought that nobody could hear me. But I kept on, mechanically; for +I had rehearsed many times. And as I read I gradually forgot myself, +forgot the place and the occasion. The people looking up at me heard +the story of a beautiful little boy, my cousin, whom I had loved very +dearly, and who died in far-distant Russia some years after I came to +America. My composition was not a masterpiece; it was merely good for +a girl of fifteen. But I had written that I still loved the little +cousin, and I made a thousand strangers feel it. And before the +applause there was a moment of stillness in the great hall. + +After the singing and reading by the class, there were the customary +addresses by distinguished guests. We girls were reminded that we were +going to be women, and happiness was promised to those of us who would +aim to be noble women. A great many trite and obvious things, a great +deal of the rhetoric appropriate to the occasion, compliments, +applause, general satisfaction; so went the programme. Much of the +rhetoric, many of the fine sentiments did not penetrate to the +thoughts of us for whom they were intended, because we were in such a +flutter about our ruffles and ribbons, and could hardly refrain from +openly prinking. But we applauded very heartily every speaker and +every would-be speaker, understanding that by a consensus of opinion +on the platform we were very fine young ladies, and much was to be +expected of us. + +One of the last speakers was introduced as a member of the School +Board. He began like all the rest of them, but he ended differently. +Abandoning generalities, he went on to tell the story of a particular +schoolgirl, a pupil in a Boston school, whose phenomenal career might +serve as an illustration of what the American system of free education +and the European immigrant could make of each other. He had not got +very far when I realized, to my great surprise and no small delight, +that he was telling my story. I saw my friends on the platform beaming +behind the speaker, and I heard my name whispered in the audience. I +had been so much of a celebrity, in a small local way, that +identification of the speaker's heroine was inevitable. My classmates, +of course, guessed the name, and they turned to look at me, and +nudged me, and all but pointed at me; their new muslins rustling and +silk ribbons hissing. + +One or two nearest me forgot etiquette so far as to whisper to me. +"Mary Antin," they said, as the speaker sat down, amid a burst of the +most enthusiastic applause,--"Mary Antin, why don't you get up and +thank him?" + +I was dazed with all that had happened. Bursting with pride I was, but +I was moved, too, by nobler feelings. I realized, in a vague, far-off +way, what it meant to my father and mother to be sitting there and +seeing me held up as a paragon, my history made the theme of an +eloquent discourse; what it meant to my father to see his ambitious +hopes thus gloriously fulfilled, his judgment of me verified; what it +meant to Frieda to hear me all but named with such honor. With all +these things choking my heart to overflowing, my wits forsook me, if I +had had any at all that day. The audience was stirring and whispering +so that I could hear: "Who is it?" "Is that so?" And again they +prompted me:-- + +"Mary Antin, get up. Get up and thank him, Mary." + +And I rose where I sat, and in a voice that sounded thin as a fly's +after the oratorical bass of the last speaker, I began:-- + +"I want to thank you--" + +That is as far as I got. Mr. Swan, the principal, waved his hand to +silence me; and then, and only then, did I realize the enormity of +what I had done. + +My eulogist had had the good taste not to mention names, and I had +been brazenly forward, deliberately calling attention to myself when +there was no need. Oh, it was sickening! I hated myself, I hated with +all my heart the girls who had prompted me to such immodest conduct. I +wished the ground would yawn and snap me up. I was ashamed to look up +at my friends on the platform. What was Miss Dillingham thinking of +me? Oh, what a fool I had been! I had ruined my own triumph. I had +disgraced myself, and my friends, and poor Mr. Swan, and the Winthrop +School. The monster vanity had sucked out my wits, and left me a +staring idiot. + +It is easy to say that I was making a mountain out of a mole hill, a +catastrophe out of a mere breach of good manners. It is easy to say +that. But I know that I suffered agonies of shame. After the +exercises, when the crowd pressed in all directions in search of +friends, I tried in vain to get out of the hall. I was mobbed, I was +lionized. Everybody wanted to shake hands with the prodigy of the day, +and they knew who it was. I had made sure of that; I had exhibited +myself. The people smiled on me, flattered me, passed me on from one +to another. I smirked back, but I did not know what I said. I was wild +to be clear of the building. I thought everybody mocked me. All my +roses had turned to ashes, and all through my own brazen conduct. + +I would have given my diploma to have Miss Dillingham know how the +thing had happened, but I could not bring myself to speak first. If +she would ask me--But nobody asked. Nobody looked away from me. +Everybody congratulated me, and my father and mother and my remotest +relations. But the sting of shame smarted just the same; I could not +be consoled. I had made a fool of myself: Mr. Swan had publicly put me +down. + +Ah, so that was it! Vanity was the vital spot again. It was wounded +vanity that writhed and squirmed. It was not because I had been bold, +but because I had been pronounced bold, that I suffered so +monstrously. If Mr. Swan, with an eloquent gesture, had not silenced +me, I might have made my little speech--good heavens! what _did_ I +mean to say?--and probably called it another feather in my bonnet. But +he had stopped me promptly, disgusted with my forwardness, and he had +shown before all those hundreds what he thought of me. Therein lay the +sting. + +With all my talent for self-analysis, it took me a long time to +realize the essential pettiness of my trouble. For years--actually for +years--after that eventful day of mingled triumph and disgrace, I +could not think of the unhappy incident without inward squirming. I +remember distinctly how the little scene would suddenly flash upon me +at night, as I lay awake in bed, and I would turn over impatiently, as +if to shake off a nightmare; and this so long after the occurrence +that I was myself amazed at the persistence of the nightmare. I had +never been reproached by any one for my conduct on Graduation Day. Why +could I not forgive myself? I studied the matter deeply--it wearies me +to remember how deeply--till at last I understood that it was wounded +vanity that hurt so, and no nobler remorse. Then, and only then, was +the ghost laid. If it ever tried to get up again, after that, I only +had to call it names to see it scurry back to its grave and pull the +sod down after it. + +Before I had laid my ghost, a friend told me of a similar experience +of his boyhood. He was present at a small private entertainment, and a +violinist who should have played being absent, the host asked for a +volunteer to take his place. My friend, then a boy in his teens, +offered himself, and actually stood up with the violin in his hands, +as if to play. But he could not even hold the instrument properly--he +had never been taught the violin. He told me he never knew what +possessed him to get up and make a fool of himself before a roomful of +people; but he was certain that ten thousand imps possessed him and +tormented him for years and years after if only he remembered the +incident. + +My friend's confession was such a consolation to me that I could not +help thinking I might do some other poor wretch a world of good by +offering him my company and that of my friend in his misery. For if it +took me a long time to find out that I was a vain fool, the corollary +did not escape me: there must be other vain fools. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +DOVER STREET + + +What happened next was Dover Street. + +And what was Dover Street? + +Ask rather, What was it not? Dover Street was my fairest garden of +girlhood, a gate of paradise, a window facing on a broad avenue of +life. Dover Street was a prison, a school of discipline, a battlefield +of sordid strife. The air in Dover Street was heavy with evil odors of +degradation, but a breath from the uppermost heavens rippled through, +whispering of infinite things. In Dover Street the dragon poverty +gripped me for a last fight, but I overthrew the hideous creature, and +sat on his neck as on a throne. In Dover Street I was shackled with a +hundred chains of disadvantage, but with one free hand I planted +little seeds, right there in the mud of shame, that blossomed into the +honeyed rose of widest freedom. In Dover Street there was often no +loaf on the table, but the hand of some noble friend was ever in mine. +The night in Dover Street was rent with the cries of wrong, but the +thunders of truth crashed through the pitiful clamor and died out in +prophetic silences. + +Outwardly, Dover Street is a noisy thoroughfare cut through a South +End slum, in every essential the same as Wheeler Street. Turn down any +street in the slums, at random, and call it by whatever name you +please, you will observe there the same fashions of life, death, and +endurance. Every one of those streets is a rubbish heap of damaged +humanity, and it will take a powerful broom and an ocean of soapsuds +to clean it out. + +Dover Street is intersected, near its eastern end, where we lived, by +Harrison Avenue. That street is to the South End what Salem Street is +to the North End. It is the heart of the South End ghetto, for the +greater part of its length; although its northern end belongs to the +realm of Chinatown. Its multifarious business bursts through the +narrow shop doors, and overruns the basements, the sidewalk, the +street itself, in pushcarts and open-air stands. Its multitudinous +population bursts through the greasy tenement doors, and floods the +corridors, the doorsteps, the gutters, the side streets, pushing in +and out among the pushcarts, all day long and half the night besides. + +Rarely as Harrison Avenue is caught asleep, even more rarely is it +found clean. Nothing less than a fire or flood would cleanse this +street. Even Passover cannot quite accomplish this feat. For although +the tenements may be scrubbed to their remotest corners, on this one +occasion, the cleansing stops at the curbstone. A great deal of the +filthy rubbish accumulated in a year is pitched into the street, often +through the windows; and what the ashman on his daily round does not +remove is left to be trampled to powder, in which form it steals back +into the houses from which it was so lately removed. + +The City Fathers provide soap and water for the slums, in the form of +excellent schools, kindergartens, and branch libraries. And there they +stop: at the curbstone of the people's life. They cleanse and +discipline the children's minds, but their bodies they pitch into the +gutter. For there are no parks and almost no playgrounds in the +Harrison Avenue district,--in my day there were none,--and such as +there are have been wrenched from the city by public-spirited citizens +who have no offices in City Hall. No wonder the ashman is not more +thorough: he learns from his masters. + +It is a pity to have it so, in a queen of enlightened cities like +Boston. If we of the twentieth century do not believe in baseball as +much as in philosophy, we have not learned the lesson of modern +science, which teaches, among other things, that the body is the +nursery of the soul; the instrument of our moral development; the +secret chart of our devious progress from worm to man. The great +achievement of recent science, of which we are so proud, has been the +deciphering of the hieroglyphic of organic nature. To worship the +facts and neglect the implications of the message of science is to +applaud the drama without taking the moral to heart. And we certainly +are not taking the moral to heart when we try to make a hero out of +the boy by such foreign appliances as grammar and algebra, while +utterly despising the fittest instrument for his uplifting--the boy's +own body. + +We had no particular reason for coming to Dover Street. It might just +as well have been Applepie Alley. For my father had sold, with the +goods, fixtures, and good-will of the Wheeler Street store, all his +hopes of ever making a living in the grocery trade; and I doubt if he +got a silver dollar the more for them. We had to live somewhere, even +if we were not making a living, so we came to Dover Street, where +tenements were cheap; by which I mean that rent was low. The ultimate +cost of life in those tenements, in terms of human happiness, is high +enough. + +Our new home consisted of five small rooms up two flights of +stairs, with the right of way through the dark corridors. In the +"parlor" the dingy paper hung in rags and the plaster fell in chunks. +One of the bedrooms was absolutely dark and air-tight. The kitchen +windows looked out on a dirty court, at the back of which was the rear +tenement of the estate. To us belonged, along with the five rooms and +the right of way aforesaid, a block of upper space the length of a +pulley line across this court, and the width of an arc described by a +windy Monday's wash in its remotest wanderings. + + [Illustration: HARRISON AVENUE IS THE HEART OF THE SOUTH END + GHETTO] + +The little front bedroom was assigned to me, with only one partner, my +sister Dora. A mouse could not have led a cat much of a chase across +this room; still we found space for a narrow bed, a crazy bureau, and +a small table. From the window there was an unobstructed view of a +lumberyard, beyond which frowned the blackened walls of a factory. The +fence of the lumberyard was gay with theatre posters and illustrated +advertisements of tobacco, whiskey, and patent baby foods. When the +window was open, there was a constant clang and whirr of electric +cars, varied by the screech of machinery, the clatter of empty wagons, +or the rumble of heavy trucks. + +There was nothing worse in all this than we had had before since our +exile from Crescent Beach; but I did not take the same delight in the +propinquity of electric cars and arc lights that I had till now. I +suppose the tenement began to pall on me. + +It must not be supposed that I enjoyed any degree of privacy, because +I had half a room to myself. We were six in the five rooms; we were +bound to be always in each other's way. And as it was within our flat, +so it was in the house as a whole. All doors, beginning with the +street door, stood open most of the time; or if they were closed, the +tenants did not wear out their knuckles knocking for admittance. I +could stand at any time in the unswept entrance hall and tell, from an +analysis of the medley of sounds and smells that issued from doors +ajar, what was going on in the several flats from below up. That +guttural, scolding voice, unremittent as the hissing of a steam pipe, +is Mrs. Rasnosky. I make a guess that she is chastising the infant +Isaac for taking a second lump of sugar in his tea. _Spam! Bam!_ Yes, +and she is rubbing in her objections with the flat of her hand. That +blubbering and moaning, accompanying an elephantine tread, is fat Mrs. +Casey, second floor, home drunk from an afternoon out, in fear of the +vengeance of Mr. Casey; to propitiate whom she is burning a pan of +bacon, as the choking fumes and outrageous sizzling testify. I hear a +feeble whining, interrupted by long silences. It is that scabby baby +on the third floor, fallen out of bed again, with nobody home to pick +him up. + +To escape from these various horrors I ascend to the roof, where bacon +and babies and child-beating are not. But there I find two figures in +calico wrappers, with bare red arms akimbo, a basket of wet clothes in +front of each, and only one empty clothes-line between them. I do not +want to be dragged in as a witness in a case of assault and battery, +so I descend to the street again, grateful to note, as I pass, that +the third-floor baby is still. + +In front of the door I squeeze through a group of children. They are +going to play tag, and are counting to see who should be "it":-- + + "My-mother-and-your-mother-went-out-to-hang-clothes; + My-mother-gave-your-mother-a-punch-in-the-nose." + +If the children's couplet does not give a vivid picture of the life, +manners, and customs of Dover Street, no description of mine can ever +do so. + +Frieda was married before we came to Dover Street, and went to live in +East Boston. This left me the eldest of the children at home. Whether +on this account, or because I was outgrowing my childish carelessness, +or because I began to believe, on the cumulative evidence of the +Crescent Beach, Chelsea, and Wheeler Street adventures, that America, +after all, was not going to provide for my father's family,--whether +for any or all of these reasons, I began at this time to take +bread-and-butter matters more to heart, and to ponder ways and means +of getting rich. My father sought employment wherever work was going +on. His health was poor; he aged very fast. Nevertheless he offered +himself for every kind of labor; he offered himself for a boy's wages. +Here he was found too weak, here too old; here his imperfect English +was in the way, here his Jewish appearance. He had a few short terms +of work at this or that; I do not know the name of the form of +drudgery that my father did not practise. But all told, he did not +earn enough to pay the rent in full and buy a bone for the soup. The +only steady source of income, for I do not know what years, was my +brother's earnings from his newspapers. + +Surely this was the time for me to take my sister's place in the +workshop. I had had every fair chance until now: school, my time to +myself, liberty to run and play and make friends. I had graduated from +grammar school; I was of legal age to go to work. What was I doing, +sitting at home and dreaming? + +I was minding my business, of course; with all my might I was minding +my business. As I understood it, my business was to go to school, to +learn everything there was to know, to write poetry, become famous, +and make the family rich. Surely it was not shirking to lay out such a +programme for myself. I had boundless faith in my future. I was +certainly going to be a great poet; I was certainly going to take care +of the family. + +Thus mused I, in my arrogance. And my family? They were as bad as I. +My father had not lost a whit of his ambition for me. Since Graduation +Day, and the school-committeeman's speech, and half a column about me +in the paper, his ambition had soared even higher. He was going to +keep me at school till I was prepared for college. By that time, he +was sure, I would more than take care of myself. It never for a moment +entered his head to doubt the wisdom or justice of this course. And my +mother was just as loyal to my cause, and my brother, and my sister. + +It is no wonder if I got along rapidly: I was helped, encouraged, and +upheld by every one. Even the baby cheered me on. When I asked her +whether she believed in higher education, she answered, without a +moment's hesitation, "Ducka-ducka-da!" Against her I remember only +that one day, when I read her a verse out of a most pathetic piece I +was composing, she laughed right out, a most disrespectful laugh; for +which I revenged myself by washing her face at the faucet, and rubbing +it red on the roller towel. + +It was just like me, when it was debated whether I would be best +fitted for college at the High or the Latin School, to go in person to +Mr. Tetlow, who was principal of both schools, and so get the most +expert opinion on the subject. I never send a messenger, you may +remember, where I can go myself. It was vacation time, and I had to +find Mr. Tetlow at his home. Away out to the wilds of Roxbury I found +my way--perhaps half an hour's ride on the electric car from Dover +Street. I grew an inch taller and broader between the corner of Cedar +Street and Mr. Tetlow's house, such was the charm of the clean, green +suburb on a cramped waif from the slums. My faded calico dress, my +rusty straw sailor hat, the color of my skin and all bespoke the waif. +But never a bit daunted was I. I went up the steps to the porch, rang +the bell, and asked for the great man with as much assurance as if I +were a daily visitor on Cedar Street. I calmly awaited the appearance +of Mr. Tetlow in the reception room, and stated my errand without +trepidation. + +And why not? I was a solemn little person for the moment, earnestly +seeking advice on a matter of great importance. That is what Mr. +Tetlow saw, to judge by the gravity with which he discussed my +business with me, and the courtesy with which he showed me to the +door. He saw, too, I fancy, that I was not the least bit conscious of +my shabby dress; and I am sure he did not smile at my appearance, even +when my back was turned. + +A new life began for me when I entered the Latin School in September. +Until then I had gone to school with my equals, and as a matter of +course. Now it was distinctly a feat for me to keep in school, and my +schoolmates were socially so far superior to me that my poverty became +conspicuous. The pupils of the Latin School, from the nature of the +institution, are an aristocratic set. They come from refined homes, +dress well, and spend the recess hour talking about parties, beaux, +and the matinée. As students they are either very quick or very +hard-working; for the course of study, in the lingo of the school +world, is considered "stiff." The girl with half her brain asleep, or +with too many beaux, drops out by the end of the first year; or a one +and only beau may be the fatal element. At the end of the course the +weeding process has reduced the once numerous tribe of academic +candidates to a cosey little family. + +By all these tokens I should have had serious business on my hands as +a pupil in the Latin School, but I did not find it hard. To make +myself letter-perfect in my lessons required long hours of study, but +that was my delight. To make myself at home in an alien world was also +within my talents; I had been practising it day and night for the past +four years. To remain unconscious of my shabby and ill-fitting clothes +when the rustle of silk petticoats in the schoolroom protested against +them was a matter still within my moral reach. Half a dress a year had +been my allowance for many seasons; even less, for as I did not grow +much I could wear my dresses as long as they lasted. And I had stood +before editors, and exchanged polite calls with school-teachers, +untroubled by the detestable colors and archaic design of my garments. +To stand up and recite Latin declensions without trembling from hunger +was something more of a feat, because I sometimes went to school with +little or no breakfast; but even that required no special heroism,--at +most it was a matter of self-control. I had the advantage of a poor +appetite, too; I really did not need much breakfast. Or if I was +hungry it would hardly show; I coughed so much that my unsteadiness +was self-explained. + +Everything helped, you see. My schoolmates helped. Aristocrats though +they were, they did not hold themselves aloof from me. Some of the +girls who came to school in carriages were especially cordial. They +rated me by my scholarship, and not by my father's occupation. They +teased and admired me by turns for learning the footnotes in the Latin +grammar by heart; they never reproached me for my ignorance of the +latest comic opera. And it was more than good breeding that made them +seem unaware of the incongruity of my presence. It was a generous +appreciation of what it meant for a girl from the slums to be in the +Latin School, on the way to college. If our intimacy ended on the +steps of the school-house, it was more my fault than theirs. Most of +the girls were democratic enough to have invited me to their homes, +although to some, of course, I was "impossible." But I had no time for +visiting; school work and reading and family affairs occupied all the +daytime, and much of the night time. I did not "go with" any of the +girls, in the school-girl sense of the phrase. I admired some of them, +either for good looks, or beautiful manners, or more subtle +attributes; but always at a distance. I discovered something +inimitable in the way the Back Bay girls carried themselves; and I +should have been the first to perceive the incongruity of Commonwealth +Avenue entwining arms with Dover Street. Some day, perhaps, when I +should be famous and rich; but not just then. So my companions and I +parted on the steps of the school-house, in mutual respect; they +guiltless of snobbishness, I innocent of envy. It was a graciously +American relation, and I am happy to this day to recall it. + +The one exception to this rule of friendly distance was my chum, +Florence Connolly. But I should hardly have said "chum." Florence and +I occupied adjacent seats for three years, but we did not walk arm in +arm, nor call each other nicknames, nor share our lunch, nor +correspond in vacation time. Florence was quiet as a mouse, and I was +reserved as an oyster; and perhaps we two had no more in common +fundamentally than those two creatures in their natural state. Still, +as we were both very studious, and never strayed far from our desks at +recess, we practised a sort of intimacy of propinquity. Although +Florence was of my social order, her father presiding over a cheap +lunch room, I did not on that account feel especially drawn to her. I +spent more time studying Florence than loving her, I suppose. And yet +I ought to have loved her; she was such a good girl. Always perfect in +her lessons, she was so modest that she recited in a noticeable +tremor, and had to be told frequently to raise her voice. Florence +wore her light brown hair brushed flatly back and braided in a single +plait, at a time when pompadours were six inches high and braids hung +in pairs. Florence had a pocket in her dress for her handkerchief, in +a day when pockets were repugnant to fashion. All these things ought +to have made me feel the kinship of humble circumstances, the +comradeship of intellectual earnestness; but they did not. + +The truth is that my relation to persons and things depended neither +on social distinctions nor on intellectual or moral affinities. My +attitude, at this time, was determined by my consciousness of the +unique elements in my character and history. It seemed to me that I +had been pursuing a single adventure since the beginning of the world. +Through highways and byways, underground, overground, by land, by sea, +ever the same star had guided me, I thought, ever the same purpose +had divided my affairs from other men's. What that purpose was, where +was the fixed horizon beyond which my star would not recede, was an +absorbing mystery to me. But the current moment never puzzled me. What +I chose instinctively to do I knew to be right and in accordance with +my destiny. I never hesitated over great things, but answered promptly +to the call of my genius. So what was it to me whether my neighbors +spurned or embraced me, if my way was no man's way? Nor should any one +ever reject me whom I chose to be my friend, because I would make sure +of a kindred spirit by the coincidence of our guiding stars. + +When, where in the harum-scarum life of Dover Street was there time or +place for such self-communing? In the night, when everybody slept; on +a solitary walk, as far from home as I dared to go. + +I was not unhappy on Dover Street; quite the contrary. Everything of +consequence was well with me. Poverty was a superficial, temporary +matter; it vanished at the touch of money. Money in America was +plentiful; it was only a matter of getting some of it, and I was on my +way to the mint. If Dover Street was not a pleasant place to abide in, +it was only a wayside house. And I was really happy, actively happy, +in the exercise of my mind in Latin, mathematics, history, and the +rest; the things that suffice a studious girl in the middle teens. + +Still I had moments of depression, when my whole being protested +against the life of the slum. I resented the familiarity of my vulgar +neighbors. I felt myself defiled by the indecencies I was compelled to +witness. Then it was I took to running away from home. I went out in +the twilight and walked for hours, my blind feet leading me. I did +not care where I went. If I lost my way, so much the better; I never +wanted to see Dover Street again. + +But behold, as I left the crowds behind, and the broader avenues were +spanned by the open sky, my grievances melted away, and I fell to +dreaming of things that neither hurt nor pleased. A fringe of trees +against the sunset became suddenly the symbol of the whole world, and +I stood and gazed and asked questions of it. The sunset faded; the +trees withdrew. The wind went by, but dropped no hint in my ear. The +evening star leaped out between the clouds, and sealed the secret with +a seal of splendor. + +A favorite resort of mine, after dark, was the South Boston Bridge, +across South Bay and the Old Colony Railroad. This was so near home +that I could go there at any time when the confusion in the house +drove me out, or I felt the need of fresh air. I liked to stand +leaning on the bridge railing, and look down on the dim tangle of +railroad tracks below. I could barely see them branching out, +elbowing, winding, and sliding out into the night in pairs. I was +fascinated by the dotted lights, the significant red and green of +signal lamps. These simple things stood for a complexity that it made +me dizzy to think of. Then the blackness below me was split by the +fiery eye of a monster engine, his breath enveloped me in blinding +clouds, his long body shot by, rattling a hundred claws of steel; and +he was gone, with an imperative shriek that shook me where I stood. + +So would I be, swift on my rightful business, picking out my proper +track from the million that cross it, pausing for no obstacles, sure +of my goal. + + [Illustration: I LIKED TO STAND AND LOOK DOWN ON THE DIM TANGLE + OF RAILROAD TRACKS BELOW] + +After my watches on the bridge I often stayed up to write or study. It +is late before Dover Street begins to go to bed. It is past midnight +before I feel that I am alone. Seated in my stiff little chair before +my narrow table, I gather in the night sounds through the open window, +curious to assort and define them. As, little by little, the city +settles down to sleep, the volume of sound diminishes, and the +qualities of particular sounds stand out. The electric car lurches by +with silent gong, taking the empty track by leaps, humming to itself +in the invisible distance. A benighted team swings recklessly around +the corner, sharp under my rattling window panes, the staccato pelting +of hoofs on the cobblestones changed suddenly to an even pounding on +the bridge. A few pedestrians hurry by, their heavy boots all out of +step. The distant thoroughfares have long ago ceased their murmur, and +I know that a million lamps shine idly in the idle streets. + +My sister sleeps quietly in the little bed. The rhythmic dripping of a +faucet is audible through the flat. It is so still that I can hear the +paper crackling on the wall. Silence upon silence is added to the +night; only the kitchen clock is the voice of my brooding +thoughts,--ticking, ticking, ticking. + +Suddenly the distant whistle of a locomotive breaks the stillness with +a long-drawn wail. Like a threatened trouble, the sound comes nearer, +piercingly near; then it dies out in a mangled silence, complaining to +the last. + +The sleepers stir in their beds. Somebody sighs, and the burden of all +his trouble falls upon my heart. A homeless cat cries in the alley, in +the voice of a human child. And the ticking of the kitchen clock is +the voice of my troubled thoughts. + +Many things are revealed to me as I sit and watch the world asleep. +But the silence asks me many questions that I cannot answer; and I am +glad when the tide of sound begins to return, by little and little, +and I welcome the clatter of tin cans that announces the milkman. I +cannot see him in the dusk, but I know his wholesome face has no +problem in it. + +It is one flight up to the roof; it is a leap of the soul to the +sunrise. The morning mist rests lightly on chimneys and roofs and +walls, wreathes the lamp-posts, and floats in gauzy streamers down the +streets. Distant buildings are massed like palace walls, with turrets +and spires lost in the rosy clouds. I love my beautiful city spreading +all about me. I love the world. I love my place in the world. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +THE LANDLADY + + +From sunrise to sunset the day was long enough for many things besides +school, which occupied five hours. There was time for me to try to +earn my living; or at least the rent of our tenement. Rent was a +standing trouble. We were always behind, and the landlady was very +angry; so I was particularly ambitious to earn the rent. I had had one +or two poems published since the celebrated eulogy of George +Washington, but nobody had paid for my poems--yet. I was coming to +that, of course, but in the mean time I could not pay the rent with my +writing. To be sure, my acquaintance with men of letters gave me an +opening. A friend of mine introduced me to a slightly literary lady +who introduced me to the editor of the "Boston Searchlight," who +offered me a generous commission for subscriptions to his paper. + +If our rent was three and one-half dollars per week, payable on strong +demand, and the annual subscription to the "Searchlight" was one +dollar, and my commission was fifty per cent, how many subscribers did +I need? How easy! Seven subscribers a week--one a day! Anybody could +do that. Mr. James, the editor, said so. He said I could get two or +three any afternoon between the end of school and supper. If I worked +all Saturday--my head went dizzy computing the amount of my +commissions. It would be rent and shoes and bonnets and everything for +everybody. + +Bright and early one Saturday morning in the fall I started out +canvassing, in my hand a neatly folded copy of the "Searchlight," in +my heart, faith in my lucky star and good-will towards all the world. +I began with one of the great office buildings on Tremont Street, as +Mr. James had advised. The first half-hour I lost, wandering through +the corridors, reading the names on the doors. There were so many +people in the same office, how should I know, when I entered, which +was Wilson & Reed, Solicitors, and which C. Jenkins Smith, Mortgages +and Bonds? I decided that it did not matter: I would call them all +"Sir." + +I selected a door and knocked. After waiting some time, I knocked a +little louder. The building buzzed with noise,--swift footsteps echoed +on the stone floors, snappy talk broke out with the opening of every +door, bells tinkled, elevators hummed,--no wonder they did not hear me +knock. But I noticed that other people went in without knocking, so +after a while I did the same. + +There were several men and two women in the small, brightly lighted +room. They were all busy. It was very confusing. Should I say "Sir" to +the roomful? + +"Excuse me, sir," I began. That was a very good beginning, I felt +sure, but I must speak louder. Lately my voice had been poor in +school--gave out, sometimes, in the middle of a recitation. I cleared +my throat, but I did not repeat myself. The back of the bald head that +I had addressed revolved and presented its complement, a bald front. + +"Will you--would you like--I'd like--" + +I stared in dismay at the bald gentleman, unable to recall a word of +what I meant to say; and he stared in impatience at me. + +"Well, well!" he snapped, "What is it? What is it?" + +That reminded me. + +"It's the 'Boston Searchlight,' sir. I take sub--" + +"Take it away--take it away. We're busy here." He waved me away over +his shoulder, the back of his head once more presented to me. + +I stole out of the room in great confusion. Was that the way I was +going to be received? Why, Mr. James had said nobody would hesitate to +subscribe. It was the best paper in Boston, the "Searchlight," and no +business man could afford to be without it. I must have made some +blunder. _Was_ "Mortgages and Bonds" a business? I'd never heard of +it, and very likely I had spoken to C. Jenkins Smith. I must try +again--of course I must try again. + +I selected a real estate office next. A real estate broker, I knew for +certain, was a business man. Mr. George A. Hooker must be just waiting +for the "Boston Searchlight." + +Mr. Hooker was indeed waiting, and he was telling "Central" about it. + +"Yes, Central; waiting, waiting--What?--Yes, yes; ring _four_--What's +that?--Since when?--Why didn't you say so at first, then, instead of +keeping me on the line--What?--Oh, is that so? Well, never mind this +time, Central.--I see, I see.--All right." + +I had become so absorbed in this monologue that when Mr. Hooker swung +around on me in his revolving chair I was startled, feeling that I had +been caught eavesdropping. I thought he was going to rebuke me, but he +only said, "What can I do for you, Miss?" + +Encouraged by his forbearance, I said:-- + +"Would you like to subscribe to the 'Boston Searchlight,' sir?"--"Sir" +was safer, after all.--"It's a dollar a year." + +I was supposed to say that it was the best paper in Boston, etc., but +Mr. Hooker did not look interested, though he was not cross. + +"No, thank you, Miss; no new papers for me. Excuse me, I am very +busy." And he began to dictate to a stenographer. + +Well, that was not so bad. Mr. Hooker was at least polite. I must try +to make a better speech next time. I stuck to real estate now. O'Lair +& Kennedy were both in, in my next office, and both apparently +enjoying a minute of relaxation, tilted back in their chairs behind a +low railing. Said I, determined to be businesslike at last, and +addressing myself to the whole firm:-- + +"Would you like to subscribe to the 'Boston Searchlight?' It's a very +good paper. No business man can afford it--afford to be without it, I +mean. It's only a dollar a year." + +Both men smiled at my break, and I smiled, too. I wondered would they +subscribe separately, or would they take one copy for the firm. + +"The 'Boston Searchlight,'" repeated one of the partners. "Never heard +of it. Is that the paper you have there?" + +He unfolded the paper I gave him, looked over it, and handed it to his +partner. + +"Ever heard of the 'Searchlight,' O'Lair? What do you think--can we +afford to be without it?" + +"I guess we'll make out somehow," replied Mr. O'Lair, handing me back +my paper. "But I'll buy this copy of you, Miss," he added, from second +thoughts. + +"And I'll go partner on the bargain," said Mr. Kennedy. + +But I objected. + +"This is a sample," I said; "I don't sell single papers. I take +subscriptions for the year. It's one dollar." + +"And no business man can afford it, you know." Mr. Kennedy winked as +he said it, and we all smiled again. It would have been stupid not to +see the joke. + +"I'm sorry I can't sell my sample," I said, with my hand on the +doorknob. + +"That's all right, my dear," said Mr. Kennedy, with a gracious wave of +the hand. And his partner called after me, "Better luck next door!" + +Well, I was getting on! The people grew friendlier all the time. But I +skipped "next door"; it was "Mortgages and Bonds." I tried +"Insurance." + +"The best paper in Boston, is it?" remarked Mr. Thomas F. Dix, turning +over my sample. "And who told you that, young lady?" + +"Mr. James," was my prompt reply. + +"Who is Mr. James?--The _editor_! Oh, I see. And do you also think the +'Searchlight' the best paper in Boston?" + +"I don't know, sir. I like the 'Herald' much better, and the +'Transcript.'" + +At that Mr. Dix laughed. "That's right," he said. "Business is +business, but you tell the truth. One dollar, is it? Here you are. My +name is on the door. Good-day." + +I think I spent twenty minutes copying the name and room number from +the door. I did not trust myself to read plain English. What if I made +a mistake, and the "Searchlight" went astray, and good Mr. Dix +remained unilluminated? He had paid for the year--it would be +dreadful to make a mistake. + +Emboldened by my one success, I went into the next office without +considering the kind of business announced on the door. I tried +brokers, lawyers, contractors, and all, just as they came around the +corridor; but I copied no more addresses. Most of the people were +polite. Some men waved me away, like C. Jenkins Smith. Some looked +impatient at first, but excused themselves politely in the end. Almost +everybody said, "We're busy here," as if they suspected I wanted them +to read a whole year's issue of the "Searchlight" at once. At last one +man told me he did not think it was a nice business for a girl, going +through the offices like that. + +This took me aback. I had not thought anything about the nature of the +business. I only wanted the money to pay the rent. I wandered through +miles of stone corridors, unable to see why it was not a nice +business, and yet reluctant to go on with it, with the doubt in my +mind. Intent on my new problem, I walked into a messenger boy; and +looking back to apologize to him, I collided softly with a +cushion-shaped gentleman getting out of an elevator. I was making up +my mind to leave the building forever, when I saw an office door +standing open. It was the first open door I had come across since +morning--it was past noon now--and it was a sign to me to keep on. I +must not give up so easily. + +Mr. Frederick A. Strong was alone in the office, surreptitiously +picking his teeth. He had been to lunch. He heard me out +good-naturedly. + +"How much is your commission, if I may ask?" It was the first thing he +had said. + +"Fifty cents, sir." + +"Well, I'll tell you what I will do. I don't care to subscribe, but +here's a quarter for you." + +If I did not blush, it was because it is not my habit, but all of a +sudden I choked. A lump jumped into my throat; almost the tears were +in my eyes. That man was right who said it was not nice to go through +the offices. I was taken for a beggar: a stranger offered me money for +nothing. + +I could not say a word. I started to go out. But Mr. Strong jumped up +and prevented me. + +"Oh, don't go like that!" he cried. "I didn't mean to offend you; upon +my word, I didn't. I beg your pardon. I didn't know--you see--Won't +you sit down a minute to rest? That's kind of you." + +Mr. Strong was so genuinely repentant that I could not refuse him. +Besides, I felt a little weak. I had been on my feet since morning, +and had had no lunch. I sat down, and Mr. Strong talked. He showed me +a picture of his wife and little girl, and said I must go and see them +some time. Pretty soon I was chatting, too, and I told Mr. Strong +about the Latin School; and of course he asked me if I was French, the +way people always did when they wanted to say that I had a foreign +accent. So we got started on Russia, and had such an interesting time +that we both jumped up, surprised, when a fine young lady in a +beautiful hat came in to take possession of the idle typewriter. + +Mr. Strong introduced me very formally, thanked me for an interesting +hour, and shook hands with me at the door. I did not add his name to +my short subscription list, but I counted it a greater triumph that I +had made a friend. + +It would have been seeking an anticlimax to solicit any more in the +building. I went out, into the roar of Tremont Street, and across the +Common, still green and leafy. I rested a while on a bench, debating +where to go next. It was past two by the clock on Park Street Church. +I had had a long day already, but it was too early to quit work, with +only one half dollar of my own in my pocket. It was Saturday--in the +evening the landlady would come. I must try a little longer. + +I went out along Columbus Avenue, a popular route for bicyclists at +that time. The bicycle stores all along the way looked promising to +me. The people did not look so busy as in the office building: they +would at least be polite. + +They were not particularly rude, but they did not subscribe. Nobody +wanted the "Searchlight." They had never heard of it--they made jokes +about it--they did not want it at any price. + +I began to lose faith in the paper myself. I got tired of its name. I +began to feel dizzy. I stopped going into the stores. I walked +straight along, looking at nothing. I wanted to go back, go home, but +I wouldn't. I felt like doing myself spite. I walked right along, +straight as the avenue ran. I did not know where it would lead me. I +did not care. Everything was horrid. I would go right on until night. +I would get lost. I would fall in a faint on a strange doorstep, and +be found dead in the morning, and be pitied. + +Wouldn't that be interesting! The adventure might even end happily. I +might faint at the door of a rich old man's house, who would take me +in, and order his housekeeper to nurse me, just like in the story +books. In my delirium--of course I would have a fever--I would talk +about the landlady, and how I had tried to earn the rent; and the old +gentleman would wipe his spectacles for pity. Then I would wake up, +and ask plaintively, "Where am I?" And when I got strong, after a +delightfully long convalescence, the old gentleman would take me to +Dover Street--in a carriage!--and we would all be reunited, and laugh +and cry together. The old gentleman, of course, would engage my father +as his steward, on the spot, and we would all go to live in one of his +houses, with a garden around it. + +I walked on and on, gleefully aware that I had not eaten since +morning. Wasn't I beginning to feel shaky? Yes; I should certainly +faint before long. But I didn't like the houses I passed. They did not +look fit for my adventure. I must keep up till I reached a better +neighborhood. + +Anybody who knows Boston knows how cheaply my adventure ended. +Columbus Avenue leads out to Roxbury Crossing. When I saw that the +houses were getting shabbier, instead of finer, my heart sank. When I +came out on the noisy, thrice-commonplace street-car centre, my spirit +collapsed utterly. + +I did not swoon. I woke up from my foolish, childish dream with a +shock. I was disgusted with myself, and frightened besides. It was +evening now, and I was faint and sick in good earnest, and I did not +know where I was. I asked a starter at the transfer station the way to +Dover Street, and he told me to get on a car that was just coming in. + +"I'll walk," I said, "if you will please tell me the shortest way." +How could I spend five cents out of the little I had made? + +But the starter discouraged me. + +"You can't walk it before midnight--the way you look, my girl. Better +hop on that car before it goes." + +I could not resist the temptation. I rode home in the car, and felt +like a thief when I paid the fare. Five cents gone to pay for my +folly! + +I was grateful for a cold supper; thrice grateful to hear that Mrs. +Hutch, the landlady, had been and gone, content with two dollars that +my father had brought home. + +Mrs. Hutch seldom succeeded in collecting the full amount of the rents +from her tenants. I suppose that made the bookkeeping complicated, +which must have been wearing on her nerves; and hence her temper. We +lived, on Dover Street, in fear of her temper. Saturday had a distinct +quality about it, derived from the imminence of Mrs. Hutch's visit. Of +course I awoke on Saturday morning with the no-school feeling; but the +grim thing that leaped to its feet and glowered down on me, while the +rest of my consciousness was still yawning on its back, was the +Mrs.-Hutch-is-coming-and-there's-no-rent feeling. + +It is hard, if you are a young girl, full of life and inclined to be +glad, to go to sleep in anxiety and awake in fear. It is apt to +interfere with the circulation of the vital ether of happiness in the +young, which is damaging to the complexion of the soul. It is bitter, +when you are middle-aged and unsuccessful, to go to sleep in +self-reproach and awake unexonerated. It is likely to cause +fermentation in the sweetest nature; it is certain to breed gray hairs +and a premature longing for death. It is pitiful, if you are the +home-keeping mother of an impoverished family, to drop in your traces +helpless at night, and awake unstrengthened in the early morning. The +haunting consciousness of rooted poverty is an improper bedfellow for +a woman who still bears. It has been known to induce physical and +spiritual malformations in the babies she nurses. + +It did require strength to lift the burden of life, in the gray +morning, on Dover Street; especially on Saturday morning. Perhaps my +mother's pack was the heaviest to lift. To the man of the house, +poverty is a bulky dragon with gripping talons and a poisonous breath; +but he bellows in the open, and it is possible to give him knightly +battle, with the full swing of the angry arm that cuts to the enemy's +vitals. To the housewife, want is an insidious myriapod creature that +crawls in the dark, mates with its own offspring, breeds all the year +round, persists like leprosy. The woman has an endless, inglorious +struggle with the pest; her triumphs are too petty for applause, her +failures too mean for notice. Care, to the man, is a hound to be kept +in leash and mastered. To the woman, care is a secret parasite that +infects the blood. + +Mrs. Hutch, of course, was only one symptom of the disease of poverty, +but there were times when she seemed to me the sharpest tooth of the +gnawing canker. Surely as sorrow trails behind sin, Saturday evening +brought Mrs. Hutch. The landlady did not trail. Her movements were +anything but impassive. She climbed the stairs with determination and +landed at the top with emphasis. Her knock on the door was clear +sharp, unfaltering; it was impossible to pretend not to hear it. Her +"Good-evening" announced business; her manner of taking a chair +suggested the throwing-down of the gauntlet. Invariably she asked for +my father, calling him Mr. Anton, and refusing to be corrected; almost +invariably he was not at home--was out looking for work. Had he left +her the rent? My mother's gentle "No, ma'am" was the signal for the +storm. I do not want to repeat what Mrs. Hutch said. It would be hard +on her, and hard on me. She grew red in the face; her voice grew +shriller with every word. My poor mother hung her head where she +stood; the children stared from their corners; the frightened baby +cried. The angry landlady rehearsed our sins like a prophet +foretelling doom. We owed so many weeks' rent; we were too lazy to +work; we never intended to pay; we lived on others; we deserved to be +put out without warning. She reproached my mother for having too many +children; she blamed us all for coming to America. She enumerated her +losses through nonpayment of her rents; told us that she did not +collect the amount of her taxes; showed us how our irregularities were +driving a poor widow to ruin. + +My mother did not attempt to excuse herself, but when Mrs. Hutch began +to rail against my absent father, she tried to put in a word in his +defence. The landlady grew all the shriller at that, and silenced my +mother impatiently. Sometimes she addressed herself to me. I always +stood by, if I was at home, to give my mother the moral support of my +dumb sympathy. I understood that Mrs. Hutch had a special grudge +against me, because I did not go to work as a cash girl and earn three +dollars a week. I wanted to explain to her how I was preparing myself +for a great career, and I was ready to promise her the payment of the +arrears as soon as I began to get rich. But the landlady would not let +me put in a word. And I was sorry for her, because she seemed to be +having such a bad time. + +At last Mrs. Hutch got up to leave, marching out as determinedly as +she had marched in. At the door she turned, in undiminished wrath, to +shoot her parting dart:-- + +"And if Mr. Anton does not bring me the rent on Monday, I will serve +notice of eviction on Tuesday, without fail." + +We breathed when she was gone. My mother wiped away a few tears, and +went to the baby, crying in the windowless, air-tight room. + +I was the first to speak. + +"Isn't she queer, mamma!" I said. "She never remembers how to say our +name. She insists on saying _Anton--Anton_. Celia, say _Anton_." And I +made the baby laugh by imitating the landlady, who had made her cry. + +But when I went to my little room I did not mock Mrs. Hutch. I thought +about her, thought long and hard, and to a purpose. I decided that she +must hear me out once. She must understand about my plans, my future, +my good intentions. It was too irrational to go on like this, we +living in fear of her, she in distrust of us. If Mrs. Hutch would only +trust me, and the tax collectors would trust her, we could all live +happily forever. + +I was the more certain that my argument would prevail with the +landlady, if only I could make her listen, because I understood her +point of view. I even sympathized with her. What she said about the +babies, for instance, was not all unreasonable to me. There was this +last baby, my mother's sixth, born on Mrs. Hutch's premises--yes, in +the windowless, air-tight bedroom. Was there any need of this baby? +When May was born, two years earlier, on Wheeler Street, I had +accepted her; after a while I even welcomed her. She was born an +American, and it was something to me to have one genuine American +relative. I had to sit up with her the whole of her first night on +earth, and I questioned her about the place she came from, and so we +got acquainted. As my mother was so ill that my sister Frieda, who was +nurse, and the doctor from the dispensary had all they could do to +take care of her, the baby remained in my charge a good deal, and so I +got used to her. But when Celia came I was two years older, and my +outlook was broader; I could see around a baby's charms, and discern +the disadvantages of possessing the baby. I was supplied with all +kinds of relatives now--I had a brother-in-law, and an American-born +nephew, who might become a President. Moreover, I knew there was not +enough to eat before the baby's advent, and she did not bring any +supplies with her that I could see. The baby was one too many. There +was no need of her. I resented her existence. I recorded my resentment +in my journal. + +I was pleased with my broad-mindedness, that enabled me to see all +sides of the baby question. I could regard even the rent question +disinterestedly, like a philosopher reviewing natural phenomena. It +seemed not unreasonable that Mrs. Hutch should have a craving for the +rent as such. A school-girl dotes on her books, a baby cries for its +rattle, and a landlady yearns for her rents. I could easily believe +that it was doing Mrs. Hutch spiritual violence to withhold the rent +from her; and hence the vehemence with which she pursued the arrears. + +Yes, I could analyze the landlady very nicely. I was certainly +qualified to act as peacemaker between her and my family. But I must +go to her own house, and _not_ on a rent day. Saturday evening, when +she was embittered by many disappointments, was no time to approach +her with diplomatic negotiations. I must go to her house on a day of +good omen. + +And I went, as soon as my father could give me a week's rent to take +along. I found Mrs. Hutch in the gloom of a long, faded parlor. +Divested of the ample black coat and widow's bonnet in which I had +always seen her, her presence would have been less formidable had I +not been conscious that I was a mere rumpled sparrow fallen into the +lion's den. When I had delivered the money, I should have begun my +speech; but I did not know what came first of all there was to say. +While I hesitated, Mrs. Hutch observed me. She noticed my books, and +asked about them. I thought this was my opening, and I showed her +eagerly my Latin grammar, my geometry, my Virgil. I began to tell her +how I was to go to college, to fit myself to write poetry, and get +rich, and pay the arrears. But Mrs. Hutch cut me short at the mention +of college. She broke out with her old reproaches, and worked herself +into a worse fury than I had ever witnessed before. I was all alone in +the tempest, and a very old lady was sitting on a sofa, drinking tea; +and the tidy on the back of the sofa was sliding down. + +I was so bewildered by the suddenness of the onslaught, I felt so +helpless to defend myself, that I could only stand and stare at Mrs. +Hutch. She kept on railing without stopping for breath, repeating +herself over and over. At last I ceased to hear what she said; I +became hypnotized by the rapid motions of her mouth. Then the moving +tidy caught my eye and the spell was broken. I went over to the sofa +with a decided step and carefully replaced the tidy. + +It was now the landlady's turn to stare, and I stared back, surprised +at my own action. The old lady also stared, her teacup suspended under +her nose. The whole thing was so ridiculous! I had come on such a +grand mission, ready to dictate the terms of a noble peace. I was met +with anger and contumely; the dignity of the ambassador of peace +rubbed off at a touch, like the golden dust from the butterfly's wing. +I took my scolding like a meek child; and then, when she was in the +middle of a trenchant phrase, her eye fixed daggerlike on mine, I +calmly went to put the enemy's house in order! It was ridiculous, and +I laughed. + +Immediately I was sorry. I wanted to apologize, but Mrs. Hutch didn't +give me a chance. If she had been harsh before, she was terrific now. +Did I come there to insult her?--she wanted to know. Wasn't it enough +that I and my family lived on her, that I must come to her on purpose +to rile her with my talk about college--_college!_ these beggars!--and +laugh in her face? "What did you come for? Who sent you? Why do you +stand there staring? Say something! _College!_ these beggars! And do +you think I'll keep you till you go to college? _You_, learning +geometry! Did you ever figure out how much rent your father owes me? +You are all too lazy--Don't say a word! Don't speak to me! Coming here +to laugh in my face! I don't believe you can say one sensible word. +_Latin_--and _French_! Oh, these beggars! You ought to go to work, if +you know enough to do one sensible thing. _College!_ Go home and tell +your father never to send you again. Laughing in my face--and staring! +Why don't you say something? How old are you?" + +Mrs. Hutch actually stopped, and I jumped into the pause. + +"I'm seventeen," I said quickly, "and I feel like seventy." + +This was too much, even for me who had spoken. I had not meant to say +the last. It broke out, like my wicked laugh. I was afraid, if I +stayed any longer, Mrs. Hutch would have the apoplexy; and I felt that +I was going to cry. I moved towards the door, but the landlady got in +another speech before I had escaped. + +"Seventeen--seventy! And looks like twelve! The child is silly. Can't +even tell her own age. No wonder, with her Latin, and French, and--" + +I did cry when I got outside, and I didn't care if I was noticed. What +was the use of anything? Everything I did was wrong. Everything I +tried to do for Mrs. Hutch turned out bad. I tried to sell papers, for +the sake of the rent, and nobody wanted the "Searchlight," and I was +told it was not a nice business. I wanted to take her into my +confidence, and she wouldn't hear a word, but scolded and called me +names. She was an unreasonable, ungrateful landlady. I wished she +_would_ put us out, then we should be rid of her.--But wasn't it funny +about that tidy? What made me do that? I never meant to. Curious, the +way we sometimes do things we don't want to at all.--The old lady must +be deaf; she didn't say anything all that time.--Oh, I have a whole +book of the "Æneid" to review, and it's getting late. I must hurry +home. + +It was impossible to remain despondent long. The landlady came only +once a week, I reflected, as I walked, and the rest of the time I was +surrounded by friends. Everybody was good to me, at home, of course, +and at school; and there was Miss Dillingham, and her friend who took +me out in the country to see the autumn leaves, and her friend's +friend who lent me books, and Mr. Hurd, who put my poems in the +"Transcript," and gave me books almost every time I came, and a dozen +others who did something good for me all the time, besides the several +dozen who wrote me such nice letters. Friends? If I named one for +every block I passed I should not get through before I reached home. +There was Mr. Strong, too, and he wanted me to meet his wife and +little girl. And Mr. Pastor! I had almost forgotten Mr. Pastor. I +arrived at the corner of Washington and Dover Streets, on my way home, +and looked into Mr. Pastor's showy drug store as I passed, and that +reminded me of the history of my latest friendship. + +My cough had been pretty bad--kept me awake nights. My voice gave out +frequently. The teachers had spoken to me several times, suggesting +that I ought to see a doctor. Of course the teachers did not know that +I could not afford a doctor, but I could go to the free dispensary, +and I did. They told me to come again, and again, and I lost precious +hours sitting in the waiting-room, watching for my turn. I was +examined, thumped, studied, and sent out with prescriptions and +innumerable directions. All that was said about food, fresh air, sunny +rooms, etc., was, of course, impossible; but I would try the medicine. +A bottle of medicine was a definite thing with a fixed price. You +either could or could not afford it, on a given day. Once you began +with milk and eggs and such things, there was no end of it. You were +always going around the corner for more, till the grocer said he could +give no more credit. No; the medicine bottle was the only safe thing. + +I had taken several bottles, and was told that I was looking better, +when I went, one day, to have my prescription renewed. It was just +after a hard rain, and the pools on the broken pavements were full of +blue sky. I was delighted with the beautiful reflections; there were +even the white clouds moving across the blue, there, at my feet, on +the pavement! I walked with my head down all the way to the drug +store, which was all right; but I should not have done it going back, +with the new bottle of medicine in my hand. + +In front of a cigar store, halfway between Washington Street and +Harrison Avenue, stood a wooden Indian with a package of wooden cigars +in his hand. My eyes on the shining rain pools, I walked plump into +the Indian, and the bottle was knocked out of my hand and broke with a +crash. + +I was horrified at the catastrophe. The medicine cost fifty cents. My +mother had given me the last money in the house. I must not be without +my medicine; the dispensary doctor was very emphatic about that. It +would be dreadful to get sick and have to stay out of school. What was +to be done? + +I made up my mind in less than five minutes. I went back to the drug +store and asked for Mr. Pastor himself. He knew me; he often sold me +postage stamps, and joked about my large correspondence, and heard a +good deal about my friends. He came out, on this occasion, from his +little office in the back of the store; and I told him of my accident, +and that there was no more money at home, and asked him to give me +another bottle, to be paid for as soon as possible. My father had a +job as night watchman in a store. I should be able to pay very soon. + +"Certainly, my dear, certainly," said Mr. Pastor; "very glad to oblige +you. It's doing you good, isn't it?--That's right. You're such a +studious young lady, with all those books, and so many letters to +write--you need something to build you up. There you are.--Oh, don't +mention it! Any time at all. And lookout for wild Indians!" + +Of course we were great friends after that, and this is the way my +troubles often ended on Dover Street. To bump into a wooden Indian was +to bump into good luck, a hundred times a week. No wonder I was happy +most of the time. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +THE BURNING BUSH + + +Just when Mrs. Hutch was most worried about the error of my ways, I +entered on a new chapter of adventures, even more remote from the cash +girl's career than Latin and geometry. But I ought not to name such +harsh things as landladies at the opening of the fairy story of my +girlhood. I have reached what was the second transformation of my +life, as truly as my coming to America was the first great +transformation. + +Robert Louis Stevenson, in one of his delightful essays, credits the +lover with a feeling of remorse and shame at the contemplation of that +part of his life which he lived without his beloved, content with his +barren existence. It is with just such a feeling of remorse that I +look back to my bookworm days, before I began the study of natural +history outdoors; and with a feeling of shame akin to the lover's I +confess how late in my life nature took the first place in my +affections. + +The subject of nature study is better developed in the public schools +to-day than it was in my time. I remember my teacher in the Chelsea +grammar school who encouraged us to look for different kinds of +grasses in the empty lots near home, and to bring to school samples of +the cereals we found in our mothers' pantries. I brought the grasses +and cereals, as I did everything the teacher ordered, but I was +content when nature study was over and the arithmetic lesson began. I +was not interested, and the teacher did not make it interesting. + +In the boys' books I was fond of reading I came across all sorts of +heroes, and I sympathized with them all. The boy who ran away to sea; +the boy who delighted in the society of ranchmen and cowboys; the +stage-struck boy, whose ambition was to drive a pasteboard chariot in +a circus; the boy who gave up his holidays in order to earn money for +books; the bad boy who played tricks on people; the clever boy who +invented amusing toys for his blind little sister--all these boys I +admired. I could put myself in the place of any one of these heroes, +and delight in their delights. But there was one sort of hero I never +could understand, and that was the boy whose favorite reading was +natural history, who kept an aquarium, collected beetles, and knew all +about a man by the name of Agassiz. This style of boy always had a +seafaring uncle, or a missionary aunt, who sent him all sorts of queer +things from China and the South Sea Islands; and the conversation +between this boy and the seafaring uncle home on a visit, I was +perfectly willing to skip. The impossible hero usually kept snakes in +a box in the barn, where his little sister was fond of playing with +her little friends. The snakes escaped at least once before the end of +the story; and the things the boy said to the frightened little girls, +about the harmless and fascinating qualities of snakes, was something +I had no patience to read. + +No, I did not care for natural history. I would read about travels, +about deserts, and nameless islands, and strange peoples; but snakes +and birds and minerals and butterflies did not interest me in the +least. I visited the Natural History Museum once or twice, because it +was my way to enter every open door, so as to miss nothing that was +free to the public; but the curious monsters that filled the glass +cases and adorned the walls and ceilings failed to stir my +imagination, and the slimy things that floated in glass vessels were +too horrid for a second glance. + +Of all the horrid things that ever passed under my eyes when I lifted +my nose from my book, spiders were the worst. Mice were bad enough, +and so were flies and worms and June bugs; but spiders were absolutely +the most loathsome creatures I knew. And yet it was the spider that +opened my eyes to the wonders of nature, and touched my girlish +happiness with the hues of the infinite. + +And it happened at Hale House. + +It was not Dr. Hale, though it might have been, who showed me the way +to the settlement house on Garland Street which bears his name. Hale +House is situated in the midst of the labyrinth of narrow streets and +alleys that constitutes the slum of which Harrison Avenue is the +backbone, and of which Dover Street is a member. + +Bearing in mind the fact that there are almost no playgrounds in all +this congested district, you will understand that Hale House has +plenty of work on its hands to carry a little sunshine into the grimy +tenement homes. The beautiful story of how that is done cannot be told +here, but what Hale House did for me I may not omit to mention. + +It was my brother Joseph who discovered Hale House. He started a +debating club, and invited his chums to help him settle the problems +of the Republic on Sunday afternoon. The club held its first session +in our empty parlor on Dover Street, and the United States Government +was in a fair way to be put on a sound basis at last, when the +numerous babies belonging to our establishment broke up the meeting, +leaving the Administration in suspense as to its future course. + +The next meeting was held in Isaac Maslinsky's parlor, and the orators +were beginning to jump to their feet and shake their fists at each +other, in excellent parliamentary form, when Mrs. Maslinsky sallied +in, to smile at the boys' excitement. But at the sight of seven pairs +of boys' boots scuffling on her cherished parlor carpet, the fringed +cover of the centre table hanging by one corner, and the plush +photograph album unceremoniously laid aside, indignation took the +place of good humor in Mrs. Maslinsky's ample bosom, and she ordered +the boys to clear out, threatening "Ike" with dire vengeance if ever +again he ventured to enter the parlor with ungentle purpose. + +On the following Sunday Harry Rubinstein offered the club the +hospitality of _his_ parlor, and the meeting began satisfactorily. The +subject on the table was the Tariff, and the pros and antis were about +evenly divided. Congress might safely have taken a nap, with the Hub +Debating Club to handle its affairs, if Harry Rubinstein's big brother +Jake had not interfered. He came out of the kitchen, where he had been +stuffing the baby with peanuts, and stood in the doorway of the parlor +and winked at the dignified chairman. The chairman turned his back on +him, whereupon Jake pelted him with peanut shells. He mocked the +speakers, and called them "kids," and wanted to know how they could +tell the Tariff from a sunstroke, anyhow. "We've got to have free +trade," he mocked. "Pa, listen to the kids! 'In the interests of the +American laborer.' Hoo-ray! Listen to the kids, pa!" + +Flesh and blood could not bear this. The political reformers +adjourned indefinitely, and the club was in danger of extinction for +want of a sheltering roof, when one of the members discovered that +Hale House, on Garland Street, was waiting to welcome the club. + +How the debating-club prospered in the genial atmosphere of the +settlement house; how from a little club it grew to be a big club, as +the little boys became young men; how Joseph and Isaac and Harry and +the rest won prizes in public debates; how they came to be a part of +the multiple influence for good that issues from Garland Street--all +this is a piece of the history of Hale House, whose business in the +slums is to mould the restless children on the street corners into +noble men and women. I brought the debating-club into my story just to +show how naturally the children of the slums drift toward their +salvation, if only some island of safety lies in the course of their +innocent activities. Not a child in the slums is born to be lost. They +are all born to be saved, and the raft that carries them unharmed +through the perilous torrent of tenement life is the child's +unconscious aspiration for the best. But there must be lighthouses to +guide him midstream. + +Dora followed Joseph to Hale House, joining a club for little girls +which has since become famous in the Hale House district. The leader +of this club, under pretence of teaching the little girls the proper +way to sweep and make beds, artfully teaches them how to beautify a +tenement home by means of noble living. + +Joseph and Dora were so enthusiastic about Hale House that I had to go +over and see what it was all about. And I found the Natural History +Club. + +I do not know how Mrs. Black, who was then the resident, persuaded me +to try the Natural History Club, in spite of my aversion for bugs. I +suppose she tried me in various girls' clubs, and found that I did not +fit, any more than I fitted in the dancing-club that I attempted years +before. I dare say she decided that I was an old maid, and urged me to +come to the meetings of the Natural History Club, which was composed +of adults. The members of this club were not people from the +neighborhood, I understood, but workers at Hale House and their +friends; and they often had eminent naturalists, travellers, and other +notables lecture before them. My curiosity to see a real live +naturalist probably induced me to accept Mrs. Black's invitation in +the end; for up to that time I had never met any one who enjoyed the +creepy society of snakes and worms, except in books. + +The Natural History Club sat in a ring around the reception room, +facing the broad doorway of the adjoining room. Mrs. Black introduced +me, and I said "Glad to meet you" all around the circle, and sat down +in a kindergarten chair beside the piano. It was Friday evening, and I +had the sense of leisure which pervades the school-girl's +consciousness when there is to be no school on the morrow. I liked the +pleasant room, pleasanter than any at home. I liked the faces of the +company I was in. I was prepared to have an agreeable evening, even if +I was a little bored. + +The tall, lean gentleman with the frank blue eyes got up to read the +minutes of the last meeting. I did not understand what he read, but I +noticed that it gave him great satisfaction. This man had greeted me +as if he had been waiting for my coming all his life. What did Mrs. +Black call him? He looked and spoke as if he was happy to be alive. I +liked him. Oh, yes! this was Mr. Winthrop. + +I let my thoughts wander, with my eyes, all around the circle, trying +to read the characters of my new friends in their faces. But suddenly +my attention was arrested by a word. Mr. Winthrop had finished reading +the minutes, and was introducing the speaker of the evening. "We are +very fortunate in having with us Mr. Emerson, whom we all know as an +authority on spiders." + +_Spiders!_ What hard luck! Mr. Winthrop pronounced the word "spiders" +with unmistakable relish, as if he doted on the horrid creatures; but +I--My nerves contracted into a tight knot. I gripped the arms of my +little chair, determined _not_ to run, with all those strangers +looking on. I watched Mr. Emerson, to see when he would open a box of +spiders. I recalled a hideous experience of long ago, when, putting on +a dress that had hung on the wall for weeks, I felt a thing with a +hundred legs crawling down my bare arm, and shook a spider out of my +sleeve. I watched the lecturer, but I was _not_ going to run. It was +too bad that Mrs. Black had not warned me. + +After a while I realized that the lecturer had no menagerie in his +pockets. He talked, in a familiar way, about different kinds of +spiders and their ways; and as he talked, he wove across the doorway, +where he stood, a gigantic spider's web, unwinding a ball of twine in +his hand, and looping various lengths on invisible tacks he had ready +in the door frame. + +I was fascinated by the progress of the web. I forgot my terrors; I +began to follow Mr. Emerson's discourse. I was surprised to hear how +much there was to know about a dusty little spider, besides that he +could spin his webs as fast as my broom could sweep them away. The +drama of the spider's daily life became very real to me as the +lecturer went on. His struggle for existence; his wars with his +enemies; his wiles, his traps, his patient labors; the intricate +safeguards of his simple existence; the fitness of his body for his +surroundings, of his instincts for his vital needs--the whole picture +of the spider's pursuit of life under the direction of definite laws +filled me with a great wonder and left no room in my mind for +repugnance or fear. It was the first time the natural history of a +living creature had been presented to me under such circumstances that +I could not avoid hearing and seeing, and I was surprised at my +dulness in the past when I had rejected books on natural history. + +I did not become an enthusiastic amateur naturalist at once; I did not +at once begin to collect worms and bugs. But on the next sweeping-day +I stood on a chair, craning my neck, to study the spider webs I +discovered in the corners of the ceiling; and one or two webs of more +than ordinary perfection I suffered to remain undisturbed for weeks, +although it was my duty, as a house-cleaner, to sweep the ceiling +clean. I began to watch for the mice that were wont to scurry across +the floor when the house slept and I alone waked. I even placed a +crust for them on the threshold of my room, and cultivated a +breathless intimacy with them, when the little gray beasts +acknowledged my hospitality by nibbling my crust in full sight. And so +by degrees I came to a better understanding of my animal neighbors on +all sides, and I began to look forward to the meetings of the Natural +History Club. + +The club had frequent field excursions, in addition to the regular +meetings. At the seashore, in the woods, in the fields; at high +tide and low tide, in summer and winter, by sunlight and by moonlight, +the marvellous story of orderly nature was revealed to me, in +fragments that allured the imagination and made me beg for more. Some +of the members of the club were school-teachers, accustomed to +answering questions. All of them were patient; some of them took +special pains with me. But nobody took me seriously as a member of the +club. They called me the club mascot, and appointed me curator of the +club museum, which was not in existence, at a salary of ten cents a +year, which was never paid. And I was well pleased with my unique +position in the club, delighted with my new friends, enraptured with +my new study. + + [Illustration: THE NATURAL HISTORY CLUB HAD FREQUENT FIELD + EXCURSIONS] + +More and more, as the seasons rolled by, and page after page of the +book of nature was turned before my eager eyes, did I feel the wonder +and thrill of the revelations of science, till all my thoughts became +colored with the tints of infinite truths. My days arranged themselves +around the meetings of the club as a centre. The whole structure of my +life was transfigured by my novel experiences outdoors. I realized, +with a shock at first, but afterwards with complacency, that books +were taking a secondary place in my life, my irregular studies in +natural history holding the first place. I began to enjoy the Natural +History rooms; and I was obliged to admit to myself that my heart hung +with a more thrilling suspense over the fate of some beans I had +planted in a window box than over the fortunes of the classic hero +about whom we were reading at school. + +But for all my enthusiasm about animals, plants, and rocks,--for all +my devotion to the Natural History Club,--I did not become a thorough +naturalist. My scientific friends were right not to take me +seriously. Mr. Winthrop, in his delightfully frank way, called me a +fraud; and I did not resent it. I dipped into zoölogy, botany, +geology, ornithology, and an infinite number of other ologies, as the +activities of the club or of particular members of it gave me +opportunity, but I made no systematic study of any branch of science; +at least not until I went to college. For what enthralled my +imagination in the whole subject of natural history was not the +orderly array of facts, but the glimpse I caught, through this or that +fragment of science, of the grand principles underlying the facts. By +asking questions, by listening when my wise friends talked, by +reading, by pondering and dreaming, I slowly gathered together the +kaleidoscopic bits of the stupendous panorama which is painted in the +literature of Darwinism. Everything I had ever learned at school was +illumined by this new knowledge; the world lay newly made under my +eyes. Vastly as my mind had stretched to embrace the idea of a great +country, when I exchanged Polotzk for America, it was no such +enlargement as I now experienced, when in place of the measurable +earth, with its paltry tale of historic centuries, I was given the +illimitable universe to contemplate, with the numberless æons of +infinite time. + +As the meaning of nature was deepened for me, so was its aspect +beautified. Hitherto I had loved in nature the spectacular,--the +blazing sunset, the whirling tempest, the flush of summer, the +snow-wonder of winter. Now, for the first time, my heart was satisfied +with the microscopic perfection of a solitary blossom. The harmonious +murmur of autumn woods broke up into a hundred separate melodies, as +the pelting acorn, the scurrying squirrel, the infrequent chirp of +the lingering cricket, and the soft speed of ripe pine cones through +dense-grown branches, each struck its discriminate chord in the +scented air. The outdoor world was magnified in every dimension; +inanimate things were vivified; living things were dignified. + +No two persons set the same value on any given thing, and so it may +very well be that I am boasting of the enrichment of my life through +the study of natural history to ears that hear not. I need only recall +my own obtuseness to the subject, before the story of the spider +sharpened my senses, to realize that these confessions of a nature +lover may bore every other person who reads them. But I do not pretend +to be concerned about the reader at this point. I never hope to +explain to my neighbor the exact value of a winter sunrise in my +spiritual economy, but I know that my life has grown better since I +learned to distinguish between a butterfly and a moth; that my faith +in man is the greater because I have watched for the coming of the +song sparrow in the spring; and my thoughts of immortality are the +less wavering because I have cherished the winter duckweed on my lawn. + +Those who find their greatest intellectual and emotional satisfaction +in the study of nature are apt to refer their spiritual problems also +to science. That is how it went with me. Long before my introduction +to natural history I had realized, with an uneasy sense of the +breaking of peace, that the questions which I thought to have been +settled years before were beginning to tease me anew. In Russia I had +practised a prescribed religion, with little faith in what I +professed, and a restless questioning of the universe. When I came to +America I lightly dropped the religious forms that I had half mocked +before, and contented myself with a few novel phrases employed by my +father in his attempt to explain the riddle of existence. The busy +years flew by, when from morning till night I was preoccupied with the +process of becoming an American; and no question arose in my mind that +my books or my teachers could not fully answer. Then came a time when +the ordinary business of my girl's life discharged itself +automatically, and I had leisure once more to look over and around +things. This period coinciding with my moody adolescence, I rapidly +entangled myself in a net of doubts and questions, after the +well-known manner of a growing girl. I asked once more, How did I come +to be?--and I found that I was no whit wiser than poor Reb' Lebe, whom +I had despised for his ignorance. For all my years of America and +schooling, I could give no better answer to my clamoring questions +than the teacher of my childhood. Whence came the fair world? Was +there a God, after all? And if so, what did He intend when He made me? + +It was always my way, if I wanted anything, to turn my daily life into +a pursuit of that thing. "Have you seen the treasure I seek?" I asked +of every man I met. And if it was God that I desired, I made all my +friends search their hearts for evidence of His being. I asked all the +wise people I knew what they were going to do with themselves after +death; and if the wise failed to satisfy me, I questioned the simple, +and listened to the babies talking in their sleep. + +Still the imperative clamor of my mind remained unallayed. Was all my +life to be a hunger and a questioning? I complained of my teachers, +who stuffed my head with facts and gave my soul no crumb to feed on. +I blamed the stars for their silence. I sat up nights brooding over +the emptiness of knowledge, and praying for revelations. + +Sometimes I lived for days in a chimera of doubts, feeling that it was +hardly worth while living at all if I was never to know why I was born +and why I could not live forever. It was in one of these prolonged +moods that I heard that a friend of mine, a distinguished man of +letters whom I greatly admired, was coming to Boston for a short +visit. A terrific New England blizzard arrived some hours in advance +of my friend's train, but so intent was I on questioning him that I +disregarded the weather, and struggled through towering snowdrifts, in +the teeth of the wild wind, to the railroad station. There I nearly +perished of weariness while waiting for the train, which was delayed +by the storm. But when my friend emerged from one of the snow-crusted +cars I was rewarded; for the blizzard had kept the reporters away, and +the great man could give me his undivided attention. + +No doubt he understood the pressing importance of the matter to me, +from the trouble I had taken to secure an early interview with him. He +heard me out very soberly, and answered my questions as honestly as a +thinking man could. Not a word of what he said remains in my mind, but +I remember going away with the impression that it was possible to live +without knowing everything, after all, and that I might even try to be +happy in a world full of riddles. + +In such ways as this I sought peace of mind, but I never achieved more +than a brief truce. I was coming to believe that only the stupid could +be happy, and that life was pretty hard on the philosophical, when +the great new interest of science came into my life, and scattered my +blue devils as the sun scatters the night damps. + +Some of my friends in the Natural History Club were deeply versed in +the principles of evolutionary science, and were able to guide me in +my impetuous rush to learn everything in a day. I was in a hurry to +deduce, from the conglomeration of isolated facts that I picked up in +the lectures, the final solution of all my problems. It took both +patience and wisdom to check me and at the same time satisfy me, I +have no doubt; but then I was always fortunate in my friends. Wisdom +and patience in plenty were spent on me, and I was instructed and +inspired and comforted. Of course my wisest teacher was not able to +tell me how the original spark of life was kindled, nor to point out, +on the starry map of heaven, my future abode. The bread of absolute +knowledge I do not hope to taste in this life. But all creation was +remodelled on a grander scale by the utterances of my teachers; and my +problems, though they deepened with the expansion of all nameable +phenomena, were carried up to the heights of the impersonal, and +ceased to torment me. Seeing how life and death, beginning and end, +were all parts of the process of being, it mattered less in what +particular ripple of the flux of existence I found myself. If past +time was a trooping of similar yesterdays, back over the unbroken +millenniums, to the first moment, it was simple to think of future +time as a trooping of knowable to-days, on and on, to infinity. +Possibly, also, the spark of life that had persisted through the +geological ages, under a million million disguises, was vital enough +to continue for another earth-age, in some shape as potent as the +first or last. Thinking in æons and in races, instead of in years and +individuals, somehow lightened the burden of intelligence, and filled +me anew with a sense of youth and well-being, that I had almost lost +in the pit of my narrow personal doubts. + +No one who understands the nature of youth will be misled, by this +summary of my intellectual history, into thinking that I actually +arranged my newly acquired scientific knowledge into any such orderly +philosophy as, for the sake of clearness, I have outlined above. I had +long passed my teens, and had seen something of life that is not +revealed to poetizing girls, before I could give any logical account +of what I read in the book of cosmogony. But the high peaks of the +promised land of evolution did flash on my vision in the earlier days, +and with these to guide me I rebuilt the world, and found it much +nobler than it had ever been before, and took great comfort in it. + +I did not become a finished philosopher from hearing a couple of +hundred lectures on scientific subjects. I did not even become a +finished woman. If anything, I grew rather more girlish. I remember +myself as very merry in the midst of my serious scientific friends, +and I can think of no time when I was more inclined to play the tomboy +than when off for a day in the woods, in quest of botanical and +zoological specimens. The freedom of outdoors, the society of +congenial friends, the delight of my occupation--all acted as a strong +wine on my mood, and sent my spirits soaring to immoderate heights I +am very much afraid I made myself a nuisance, at times, to some of the +more sedate of my grown-up companions. I wish they could know that I +have truly repented. I wish they had known at the time that it was +the exuberance of my happiness that played tricks, and no wicked +desire to annoy kind friends. But I am sure that those who were +offended have long since forgotten or forgiven, and I need remember +nothing of those wonderful days other than that a new sun rose above a +new earth for me, and that my happiness was like unto the iridescent +dews. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +A KINGDOM IN THE SLUMS + + +I did not always wait for the Natural History Club to guide me to +delectable lands. Some of the happiest days of that happy time I spent +with my sister in East Boston. We had a merry time at supper, Moses +making clever jokes, without cracking a smile himself; and the baby +romping in his high chair, eating what wasn't good for him. But the +best of the evening came later, when father and baby had gone to bed, +and the dishes were put away, and there was not a crumb left on the +red-and-white checked tablecloth. Frieda took out her sewing, and I +took a book; and the lamp was between us, shining on the table, on the +large brown roses on the wall, on the green and brown diamonds of the +oil cloth on the floor, on the baby's rattle on a shelf, and on the +shining stove in the corner. It was such a pleasant kitchen--such a +cosey, friendly room--that when Frieda and I were left alone I was +perfectly happy just to sit there. Frieda had a beautiful parlor, with +plush chairs and a velvet carpet and gilt picture frames; but we +preferred the homely, homelike kitchen. + +I read aloud from Longfellow, or Whittier, or Tennyson; and it was as +great a treat to me as it was to Frieda. Her attention alone was +inspiring. Her delight, her eager questions doubled the meaning of the +lines I read. Poor Frieda had little enough time for reading, unless +she stole it from the sewing or the baking or the mending. But she was +hungry for books, and so grateful when I came to read to her that it +made me ashamed to remember all the beautiful things I had and did not +share with her. + +It is true I shared what could be shared. I brought my friends to her. +At her wedding were some of the friends of whom I was most proud. Miss +Dillingham came, and Mr. Hurd; and the humbler guests stared in +admiration at our school-teachers and editors. But I had so many +delightful things that I could not bring to Frieda--my walks, my +dreams, my adventures of all sorts. And yet when I told her about +them, I found that she partook of everything. For she had her talent +for vicarious enjoyment, by means of which she entered as an actor +into my adventures, was present as a witness at the frolic of my +younger life. Or if I narrated things that were beyond her, on account +of her narrower experience, she listened with an eager longing to +understand that was better than some people's easy comprehension. My +world ever rang with good tidings, and she was grateful if I brought +her the echo of them, to ring again within the four walls of the +kitchen that bounded her life. And I, who lived on the heights, and +walked with the learned, and bathed in the crystal fountains of youth, +sometimes climbed the sublimest peak in my sister's humble kitchen, +there caught the unfaltering accents of inspiration, and rejoiced in +silver pools of untried happiness. + +The way she reached out for everything fine was shown by her interest +in the incomprehensible Latin and French books that I brought. She +liked to hear me read my Cicero, pleased by the movement of the +sonorous periods. I translated Ovid and Virgil for her; and her +pleasure illumined the difficult passages, so that I seldom needed to +have recourse to the dictionary. I shall never forget the evening I +read to her, from the "Æneid," the passage in the fourth book +describing the death of Dido. I read the Latin first, and then my own +version in English hexameters, that I had prepared for a recitation at +school. Frieda forgot her sewing in her lap, and leaned forward in +rapt attention. When I was through, there were tears of delight in her +eyes; and I was surprised myself at the beauty of the words I had just +pronounced. + +I do not dare to confess how much of my Latin I have forgotten, lest +any of the devoted teachers who taught me should learn the sad truth; +but I shall always boast of some acquaintance with Virgil, through +that scrap of the "Æneid" made memorable by my sister's enjoyment of +it. + +Truly my education was not entirely in the hands of persons who had +licenses to teach. My sister's fat baby taught me things about the +origin and ultimate destiny of dimples that were not in any of my +school-books. Mr. Casey, of the second floor, who was drunk whenever +his wife was sober, gave me an insight into the psychology of the beer +mug that would have added to the mental furniture of my most scholarly +teacher. The bold-faced girls who passed the evening on the corner, in +promiscuous flirtation with the cock-eyed youths of the neighborhood, +unconsciously revealed to me the eternal secrets of adolescence. My +neighbor of the third floor, who sat on the curbstone with the scabby +baby in her bedraggled lap, had things to say about the fine ladies +who came in carriages to inspect the public bathhouse across the +street that ought to be repeated in the lecture halls of every school +of philanthropy. Instruction poured into my brain at such a rate that +I could not digest it all at the time; but in later years, when my +destiny had led me far from Dover Street, the emphatic moral of those +lessons became clear. The memory of my experience on Dover Street +became the strength of my convictions, the illumined index of my +purpose, the aureola of my happiness. And if I paid for those lessons +with days of privation and dread, with nights of tormenting anxiety, I +count the price cheap. Who would not go to a little trouble to find +out what life is made of? Life in the slums spins busily as a +schoolboy's top, and one who has heard its humming never forgets. I +look forward to telling, when I get to be a master of language, what I +read in the crooked cobblestones when I revisited Dover Street the +other day. + +Dover Street was never really my residence--at least, not the whole of +it. It happened to be the nook where my bed was made, but I inhabited +the City of Boston. In the pearl-misty morning, in the ruby-red +evening, I was empress of all I surveyed from the roof of the tenement +house. I could point in any direction and name a friend who would +welcome me there. Off towards the northwest, in the direction of +Harvard Bridge, which some day I should cross on my way to Radcliffe +College, was one of my favorite palaces, whither I resorted every day +after school. + +A low, wide-spreading building with a dignified granite front it was, +flanked on all sides by noble old churches, museums, and +school-houses, harmoniously disposed around a spacious triangle, +called Copley Square. Two thoroughfares that came straight from the +green suburbs swept by my palace, one on either side, converged at the +apex of the triangle, and pointed off, past the Public Garden, across +the historic Common, to the domed State House sitting on a height. + +It was my habit to go very slowly up the low, broad steps to the +palace entrance, pleasing my eyes with the majestic lines of the +building, and lingering to read again the carved inscriptions: _Public +Library_--_Built by the People_--_Free to All_. + +Did I not say it was my palace? Mine, because I was a citizen; mine, +though I was born an alien; mine, though I lived on Dover Street. My +palace--_mine_! + +I loved to lean against a pillar in the entrance hall, watching the +people go in and out. Groups of children hushed their chatter at the +entrance, and skipped, whispering and giggling in their fists, up the +grand stairway, patting the great stone lions at the top, with an eye +on the aged policemen down below. Spectacled scholars came slowly down +the stairs, loaded with books, heedless of the lofty arches that +echoed their steps. Visitors from out of town lingered long in the +entrance hall, studying the inscriptions and symbols on the marble +floor. And I loved to stand in the midst of all this, and remind +myself that I was there, that I had a right to be there, that I was at +home there. All these eager children, all these fine-browed women, all +these scholars going home to write learned books--I and they had this +glorious thing in common, this noble treasure house of learning. It +was wonderful to say, _This is mine_; it was thrilling to say, _This +is ours_. + +I visited every part of the building that was open to the public. I +spent rapt hours studying the Abbey pictures. I repeated to myself +lines from Tennyson's poem before the glowing scenes of the Holy +Grail. Before the "Prophets" in the gallery above I was mute, but +echoes of the Hebrew Psalms I had long forgotten throbbed somewhere in +the depths of my consciousness. The Chavannes series around the main +staircase I did not enjoy for years. I thought the pictures looked +faded, and their symbolism somehow failed to move me at first. + +Bates Hall was the place where I spent my longest hours in the +library. I chose a seat far at one end, so that looking up from my +books I would get the full effect of the vast reading-room. I felt the +grand spaces under the soaring arches as a personal attribute of my +being. + +The courtyard was my sky-roofed chamber of dreams. Slowly strolling +past the endless pillars of the colonnade, the fountain murmured in my +ear of all the beautiful things in all the beautiful world. I imagined +that I was a Greek of the classic days, treading on sandalled feet +through the glistening marble porticoes of Athens. I expected to see, +if I looked over my shoulder, a bearded philosopher in a drooping +mantle, surrounded by beautiful youths with wreathed locks. Everything +I read in school, in Latin or Greek, everything in my history books, +was real to me here, in this courtyard set about with stately columns. + +Here is where I liked to remind myself of Polotzk, the better to bring +out the wonder of my life. That I who was born in the prison of the +Pale should roam at will in the land of freedom was a marvel that it +did me good to realize. That I who was brought up to my teens almost +without a book should be set down in the midst of all the books that +ever were written was a miracle as great as any on record. That an +outcast should become a privileged citizen, that a beggar should dwell +in a palace--this was a romance more thrilling than poet ever sung. +Surely I was rocked in an enchanted cradle. + + [Illustration: BATES HALL, WHERE I SPENT MY LONGEST HOURS IN THE + LIBRARY] + +From the Public Library to the State House is only a step, and I found +my way there without a guide. The State House was one of the places I +could point to and say that I had a friend there to welcome me. I do +not mean the representative of my district, though I hope he was a +worthy man. My friend was no less a man than the Honorable Senator +Roe, from Worcester, whose letters to me, written under the embossed +letter head of the Senate Chamber, I could not help exhibiting to +Florence Connolly. + +How did I come by a Senator? Through being a citizen of Boston, of +course. To be a citizen of the smallest village in the United States +which maintains a free school and a public library is to stand in the +path of the splendid processions of opportunity. And as Boston has +rather better schools and a rather finer library than some other +villages, it comes natural there for children in the slums to summon +gentlemen from the State House to be their personal friends. + +It is so simple, in Boston! You are a school-girl, and your teacher +gives you a ticket for the annual historical lecture in the Old South +Church, on Washington's Birthday. You hear a stirring discourse on +some subject in your country's history, and you go home with a heart +bursting with patriotism. You sit down and write a letter to the +speaker who so moved you, telling him how glad you are to be an +American, explaining to him, if you happen to be a recently made +American, why you love your adopted country so much better than your +native land. Perhaps the patriotic lecturer happens to be a Senator, +and he reads your letter under the vast dome of the State House; and +it occurs to him that he and his eminent colleagues and the stately +capitol and the glorious flag that floats above it, all gathered on +the hill above the Common, do his country no greater honor than the +outspoken admiration of an ardent young alien. The Senator replies to +your letter, inviting you to visit him at the State House; and in the +renowned chamber where the august business of the State is conducted, +you, an obscure child from the slums, and he, a chosen leader of the +people, seal a democratic friendship based on the love of a common +flag. + +Even simpler than to meet a Senator was it to become acquainted with a +man like Edward Everett Hale. "The Grand Old Man of Boston," the +people called him, from the manner of his life among them. He kept +open house in every public building in the city. Wherever two citizens +met to devise a measure for the public weal, he was a third. Wherever +a worthy cause needed a champion, Dr. Hale lifted his mighty voice. At +some time or another his colossal figure towered above an eager +multitude from every pulpit in the city, from every lecture platform. +And where is the map of Boston that gives the names of the lost alleys +and back ways where the great man went in search of the lame in body, +who could not join the public assembly, in quest of the maimed in +spirit, who feared to show their faces in the open? If all the little +children who have sat on Dr. Hale's knee were started in a procession +on the State House steps, standing four abreast, there would be a lane +of merry faces across the Common, out to the Public Library, over +Harvard Bridge, and away beyond to remoter landmarks. + +That I met Dr. Hale is no wonder. It was as inevitable as that I +should be a year older every twelvemonth. He was a part of Boston, as +the salt wave is a part of the sea. I can hardly say whether he came +to me or I came to him. We met, and my adopted country took me closer +to her breast. + +A day or two after our first meeting I called on Dr. Hale, at his +invitation. It was only eight o'clock in the morning, you may be sure, +because he had risen early to attend to a hundred great affairs, and I +had risen early so as to talk with a great man before I went to +school. I think we liked each other a little the more for the fact +that when so many people were still asleep, we were already busy in +the interests of citizenship and friendship. We certainly liked each +other. + +I am sure I did not stay more than fifteen minutes, and all that I +recall of our conversation was that Dr. Hale asked me a great many +questions about Russia, in a manner that made me feel that I was an +authority on the subject; and with his great hand in good-bye he gave +me a bit of homely advice, namely, that I should never study before +breakfast! + +That was all, but for the rest of the day I moved against a background +of grandeur. There was a noble ring to Virgil that day that even my +teacher's firm translation had never brought out before. Obscure +points in the history lesson were clear to me alone, of the thirty +girls in the class. And it happened that the tulips in Copley Square +opened that day, and shone in the sun like lighted lamps. + +Any one could be happy a year on Dover Street, after spending half an +hour on Highland Street. I enjoyed so many half-hours in the great +man's house that I do not know how to convey the sense of my +remembered happiness. My friend used to keep me in conversation a few +minutes, in the famous study that was fit to have been preserved as a +shrine; after which he sent me to roam about the house, and explore +his library, and take away what books I pleased. Who would feel +cramped in a tenement, with such royal privileges as these? + +Once I brought Dr. Hale a present, a copy of a story of mine that had +been printed in a journal; and from his manner of accepting it you +might have thought that I was a princess dispensing gifts from a +throne. I wish I had asked him, that last time I talked with him, how +it was that he who was so modest made those who walked with him so +great. + +Modest as the man was the house in which he lived. A gray old house of +a style that New England no longer builds, with a pillared porch +curtained by vines, set back in the yard behind the old trees. +Whatever cherished flowers glowed in the garden behind the house, the +common daisy was encouraged to bloom in front. And was there sun or +snow on the ground, the most timid hand could open the gate, the most +humble visitor was sure of a welcome. Out of that modest house the +troubled came comforted, the fallen came uplifted, the noble came +inspired. + +My explorations of Dr. Hale's house might not have brought me to the +gables, but for my friend's daughter, the artist, who had a studio at +the top of the house. She asked me one day if I would sit for a +portrait, and I consented with the greatest alacrity. It would be an +interesting experience, and interesting experiences were the bread of +life to me. I agreed to come every Saturday morning, and felt that +something was going to happen to Dover Street. + + [Illustration: THE FAMOUS STUDY, THAT WAS FIT TO HAVE BEEN + PRESERVED AS A SHRINE] + +When I came home from my talk with Miss Hale, I studied myself long in +my blotched looking-glass. I saw just what I expected. My face was too +thin, my nose too large, my complexion too dull. My hair, which was +curly enough, was too short to be described as luxurious tresses; and +the color was neither brown nor black. My hands were neither white nor +velvety; the fingers ended decidedly, instead of tapering off like +rosy dreams. I was disgusted with my wrists; they showed too far below +the tight sleeves of my dress of the year before last, and they looked +consumptive. + +No, it was not for my beauty that Miss Hale wanted to paint me. It was +because I was a girl, a person, a piece of creation. I understood +perfectly. If I could write an interesting composition about a broom, +why should not an artist be able to make an interesting picture of me? +I had done it with the broom, and the milk wagon, and the rain spout. +It was not what a thing was that made it interesting, but what I was +able to draw out of it. It was exciting to speculate as to what Miss +Hale was going to draw out of me. + +The first sitting was indeed exciting. There was hardly any sitting to +it. We did nothing but move around the studio, and move the easel +around, and try on ever so many backgrounds, and ever so many poses. +In the end, of course, we left everything just as it had been at the +start, because Miss Hale had had the right idea from the beginning; +but I understood that a preliminary tempest in the studio was the +proper way to test that idea. + +I was surprised to find that I should not be obliged to hold my +breath, and should be allowed to wink all I wanted. Posing was just +sitting with my hands in my lap, and enjoying the most interesting +conversation with the artist. We hit upon such out-of-the-way +topics--once, I remember, we talked about the marriage laws of +different states! I had a glorious time, and I believe Miss Hale did +too. I watched the progress of the portrait with utter lack of +comprehension, and with perfect faith in the ultimate result. The +morning flew so fast that I could have sat right on into the afternoon +without tiring. + +Once or twice I stayed to lunch, and sat opposite the artist's mother +at table. It was like sitting face to face with Martha Washington, I +thought. Everything was wonderful in that wonderful old house. + +One thing disturbed my enjoyment of those Saturday mornings. It was a +small thing, hardly as big as a pen-wiper. It was a silver coin which +Miss Hale gave me regularly when I was going. I knew that models were +paid for sitting, but I was not a professional model. When people sat +for their portraits they usually paid the artist, instead of the +artist paying them. Of course I had not ordered this portrait, but I +had such a good time sitting that it did not seem to me I could be +earning money. But what troubled me was not the suspicion that I did +not earn the money, but that I did not know what was in my friend's +mind when she gave it to me. Was it possible that Miss Hale had asked +me to sit on purpose to be able to pay me, so that I could help pay +the rent? Everybody knew about the rent sooner or later, because I was +always asking my friends what a girl could do to make the landlady +happy. Very possibly Miss Hale had my landlady in mind when she asked +me to pose. I might have asked her--I dearly loved explanations, which +cleared up hidden motives--but her answer would not have made any +real difference. I should have accepted the money just the same. Miss +Hale was not a stranger, like Mr. Strong when he offered me a quarter. +She knew me, she believed in my cause, and she wanted to contribute to +it. Thus I, in my hair-splitting analyses of persons and motives; +while the portrait went steadily on. + +It was Miss Hale who first found a use for our superfluous baby. She +came to Dover Street several times to study our tiny Celia, in +swaddling clothes improvised by my mother, after the fashion of the +old country. Miss Hale wanted a baby for a picture of the Nativity +which she was doing for her father's church; and of all the babies in +Boston, our Celia, our little Jewish Celia, was posing for the Christ +Child! It does not matter in this connection that the Infant that lies +in the lantern light, brooded over by the Mother's divine sorrow of +love, in the beautiful altar piece in Dr. Hale's church, was not +actually painted from my mother's baby, in the end. The point is that +my mother, in less than half a dozen years of America, had so far +shaken off her ancient superstitions that she feared no evil +consequence from letting her child pose for a Christian picture. + +A busy life I led, on Dover Street; a happy, busy life. When I was not +reciting lessons, nor writing midnight poetry, nor selling papers, nor +posing, nor studying sociology, nor pickling bugs, nor interviewing +statesmen, nor running away from home, I made long entries in nay +journal, or wrote forty-page letters to my friends. It was a happy +thing that poor Mrs. Hutch did not know what sums I spent for +stationery and postage stamps. She would have gone into consumption, I +do believe, from inexpressible indignation; and she would have been +in the right--to be indignant, not to go into consumption. I admit it; +she would have been justified--from her point of view. From my point +of view I was also in the right; of course I was. To make friends +among the great was an important part of my education, and was not to +be accomplished without a liberal expenditure of paper and postage +stamps. If Mrs. Hutch had not repulsed my offer of confidences, I +could have shown her long letters written to me by people whose mere +signature was prized by autograph hunters. It is true that I could not +turn those letters directly into rent-money,--or if I could, I would +not,--but indirectly my interesting letters did pay a week's rent now +and then. Through the influence of my friends my father sometimes +found work that he could not have got in any other way. These +practical results of my costly pursuit of friendships might have given +Mrs. Hutch confidence in my ultimate solvency, had she not remained +obstinately deaf to my plea for time, her heart being set on direct, +immediate, convertible cash payment. + +That was very narrow-minded, even though I say it who should not. The +grocer on Harrison Avenue who supplied our table could have taught her +to take a more liberal view. We were all anxious to teach her, if she +only would have listened. Here was this poor grocer, conducting his +business on the same perilous credit system which had driven my father +out of Chelsea and Wheeler Street, supplying us with tea and sugar and +strong butter, milk freely splashed from rusty cans, potent yeast, and +bananas done to a turn,--with everything, in short, that keeps a poor +man's family hearty in spite of what they eat,--and all this for the +consideration of part payment, with the faintest prospect of a future +settlement in full. Mr. Rosenblum had an intimate knowledge of the +financial situation of every family that traded with him, from the +gossip of his customers around his herring barrel. He knew without +asking that my father had no regular employment, and that, +consequently, it was risky to give us credit. Nevertheless he gave us +credit by the week, by the month, accepted partial payment with +thanks, and let the balance stand by the year. + +We owed him as much as the landlady, I suppose, every time he balanced +our account. But he never complained; nay, he even insisted on my +mother's taking almonds and raisins for a cake for the holidays. He +knew, as well as Mrs. Hutch, that my father kept a daughter at school +who was of age to be put to work; but so far was he from reproaching +him for it that he detained my father by the half-hour, inquiring +about my progress and discussing my future. He knew very well, did the +poor grocer, who it was that burned so much oil in my family; but when +I came in to have my kerosene can filled, he did not fall upon me with +harsh words of blame. Instead, he wanted to hear about my latest +triumph at school, and about the great people who wrote me letters and +even came to see me; and he called his wife from the kitchen behind +the store to come and hear of these grand doings. Mrs. Rosenblum, who +could not sign her name, came out in her faded calico wrapper, and +stood with her hands folded under her apron, shy and respectful before +the embryo scholar; and she nodded her head sideways in approval, +drinking in with envious pleasure her husband's Yiddish version of my +tale. If her black-eyed Goldie happened to be playing jackstones on +the curb, Mrs. Rosenblum pulled her into the store, to hear what +distinction Mr. Antin's daughter had won at school, bidding her take +example from Mary, if she would also go far in education. + +"Hear you, Goldie? She has the best marks, in everything, Goldie, all +the time. She is only five years in the country, and she'll be in +college soon. She beats them all in school, Goldie--her father says +she beats them all. She studies all the time--all night--and she +writes, it is a pleasure to hear. She writes in the paper, Goldie. You +ought to hear Mr. Antin read what she writes in the paper. Long +pieces--" + +"You don't understand what he reads, ma," Goldie interrupts +mischievously; and I want to laugh, but I refrain. Mr. Rosenblum does +not fill my can; I am forced to stand and hear myself eulogized. + +"Not understand? Of course I don't understand. How should I +understand? I was not sent to school to learn. Of course I don't +understand. But _you_ don't understand, Goldie, and that's a shame. If +you would put your mind on it, and study hard, like Mary Antin, you +would also stand high, and you would go to high school, and be +somebody." + +"Would you send me to high school, pa?" Goldie asks, to test her +mother's promises. "Would you really?" + +"Sure as I am a Jew," Mr. Rosenblum promptly replies, a look of +aspiration in his deep eyes. "Only show yourself worthy, Goldie, and +I'll keep you in school till you get to something. In America +everybody can get to something, if he only wants to. I would even send +you farther than high school--to be a teacher, maybe. Why not? In +America everything is possible. But you have to work hard, Goldie, +like Mary Antin--study hard, put your mind on it." + +"Oh, I know it, pa!" Goldie exclaims, her momentary enthusiasm +extinguished at the thought of long lessons indefinitely prolonged. +Goldie was a restless little thing who could not sit long over her +geography book. She wriggled out of her mother's grasp now, and made +for the door, throwing a "back-hand" as she went, without losing a +single jackstone. "I hate long lessons," she said. "When I graduate +grammar school next year I'm going to work in Jordan-Marsh's big +store, and get three dollars a week, and have lots of fun with the +girls. I can't write pieces in the paper, anyhow.--Beckie! Beckie +Hurvich! Where you going? Wait a minute, I'll go along." And she was +off, leaving her ambitious parents to shake their heads over her +flightiness. + +Mr. Rosenblum gave me my oil. If he had had postage stamps in stock, +he would have given me all I needed, and felt proud to think that he +was assisting in my important correspondences. And he was a poor man, +and had a large family, and many customers who paid as irregularly as +we. He ran the risk of ruin, of course, but he did not scold--not us, +at any rate. For he _understood_. He was himself an immigrant Jew of +the type that values education, and sets a great price on the higher +development of the child. He would have done in my father's place just +what my father was doing: borrow, beg, go without, run in +debt--anything to secure for a promising child the fulfilment of the +promise. That is what America was for. The land of opportunity it was, +but opportunities must be used, must be grasped, held, squeezed dry. +To keep a child of working age in school was to invest the meagre +present for the sake of the opulent future. If there was but one +child in a family of twelve who promised to achieve an intellectual +career, the other eleven, and father, and mother, and neighbors must +devote themselves to that one child's welfare, and feed and clothe and +cheer it on, and be rewarded in the end by hearing its name mentioned +with the names of the great. + +So the poor grocer helped to keep me in school for I do not know how +many years. And this is one of the things that is done on Harrison +Avenue, by the people who pitch rubbish through their windows. Let the +City Fathers strike the balance. + +Of course this is wretched economics. If I had a son who wanted to go +into the grocery business, I should take care that he was well +grounded in the principles of sound bookkeeping and prudence. But I +should not fail to tell him the story of the Harrison Avenue grocer, +hoping that he would puzzle out the moral. + +Mr. Rosenblum himself would be astonished to hear that any one was +drawing morals from his manner of conducting his little store, and yet +it is from men like him that I learn the true values of things. The +grocer weighed me out a quarter of a pound of butter, and when the +scales were even he threw in another scrap. "_Na!_" he said, smiling +across the counter, "you can carry that much around the corner!" +Plainly he was showing me that if I have not as many houses as my +neighbor, that should not prevent me from cultivating as many graces. +If I made some shame-faced reference to the unpaid balance, Mr. +Rosenblum replied, "I guess you're not thinking of running away from +Boston yet. You haven't finished turning the libraries inside out, +have you?" In this way he reminded me that there were things more +important than conventional respectability. The world belongs to those +who can use it to the best advantage, the grocer seemed to argue; and +I found that I had the courage to test this philosophy. + +From my little room on Dover Street I reached out for the world, and +the world came to me. Through books, through the conversation of noble +men and women, through communion with the stars in the depth of night, +I entered into every noble chamber of the palace of life. I employed +no charm to win admittance. The doors opened to me because I had a +right to be within. My patent of nobility was the longing for the +abundance of life with which I was endowed at birth; and from the time +I could toddle unaided I had been gathering into my hand everything +that was fine in the world around me. Given health and standing-room, +I should have worked out my salvation even on a desert island. Being +set down in the garden of America, where opportunity waits on +ambition, I was bound to make my days a triumphal march toward my +goal. The most unfriendly witness of my life will not venture to deny +that I have been successful. For aside from subordinate desires for +greatness or wealth or specific achievement, my chief ambition in life +has been _to live_, and I have lived. A glowing life has been mine, +and the fires that blazed highest in all my days were kindled on Dover +Street. + +I have never had a dull hour in my life; I have never had a livelier +time than in the slums. In all my troubles I was thrilled through and +through with a prophetic sense of how they were to end. A halo of +romance floated before every to-morrow; the wings of future +adventures rustled in the dead of night. Nothing could be quite common +that touched my life, because I had a power for attracting uncommon +things. And when my noblest dreams shall have been realized I shall +meet with nothing finer, nothing more remote from the commonplace, +than some of the things that came into my life on Dover Street. + +Friends came to me bearing noble gifts of service, inspiration, and +love. There came one, to talk with whom was to double the volume of +life. She left roses on my pillow when I lay ill, and in my heart she +planted a longing for greatness that I have yet to satisfy. Another +came whose soul was steeped in sunshine, whose eyes saw through every +pretence, whose lips mocked nothing holy. And one came who carried the +golden key that unlocked the last secret chamber of life for me. +Friends came trooping from everywhere, and some were poor, and some +were rich, but all were devoted and true; and they left no niche in my +heart unfilled, and no want unsatisfied. + +To be alive in America, I found out long ago, is to ride on the +central current of the river of modern life; and to have a conscious +purpose is to hold the rudder that steers the ship of fate. I was +alive to my finger tips, back there on Dover Street, and all my +girlish purposes served one main purpose. It would have been amazing +if I had stuck in the mire of the slum. By every law of my nature I +was bound to soar above it, to attain the fairer places that wait for +every emancipated immigrant. + +A characteristic thing about the aspiring immigrant is the fact that +he is not content to progress alone. Solitary success is imperfect +success in his eyes. He must take his family with him as he rises. So +when I refused to be adopted by a rich old man, and clung to my +family in the slums, I was only following the rule; and I can tell it +without boasting, because it is no more to my credit than that I wake +refreshed after a night's sleep. + +This suggests to me a summary of my virtues, through the exercise of +which I may be said to have attracted my good fortune. I find that I +have always given nature a chance, I have used my opportunities, and +have practised self-expression. So much my enemies will grant me; more +than this my friends cannot claim for me. + +In the Dover Street days I did not philosophize about my private +character, nor about the immigrant and his ways. I lived the life, and +the moral took care of itself. And after Dover Street came Applepie +Alley, Letterbox Lane, and other evil corners of the slums of Boston, +till it must have looked to our neighbors as if we meant to go on +forever exploring the underworld. But we found a short-cut--we found a +short-cut! And the route we took from the tenements of the stifling +alleys to a darling cottage of our own, where the sun shines in at +every window, and the green grass runs up to our very doorstep, was +surveyed by the Pilgrim Fathers, who trans-scribed their field notes +on a very fine parchment and called it the Constitution of the United +States. + +It was good to get out of Dover Street--it was better for the growing +children, better for my weary parents, better for all of us, as the +clean grass is better than the dusty pavement. But I must never forget +that I came away from Dover Street with my hands full of riches. I +must not fail to testify that in America a child of the slums owns the +land and all that is good in it. All the beautiful things I saw +belonged to me, if I wanted to use them; all the beautiful things I +desired approached me. I did not need to seek my kingdom. I had only +to be worthy, and it came to me, even on Dover Street. Everything that +was ever to happen to me in the future had its germ or impulse in the +conditions of my life on Dover Street. My friendships, my advantages +and disadvantages, my gifts, my habits, my ambitions--these were the +materials out of which I built my after life, in the open workshop of +America. My days in the slums were pregnant with possibilities; it +only needed the ripeness of events to make them fruit forth in +realities. Steadily as I worked to win America, America advanced to +lie at my feet. I was an heir, on Dover Street, awaiting maturity. I +was a princess waiting to be led to the throne. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + +THE HERITAGE + + +One of the inherent disadvantages of premature biography is that it +cannot go to the natural end of the story. This difficulty threatened +me in the beginning, but now I find I do not need to tax my judgment +to fix the proper stopping-place. Sudden qualms of reluctance warn me +where the past and present meet. I have reached a point where my +yesterdays lie in a quick heap, and I cannot bear to prod and turn +them and set them up to be looked at. For that matter, I am not sure +that I should add anything really new, even if I could force myself to +cross the line of discretion. I have already shown what a real thing +is this American freedom that we talk about, and in what manner a +certain class of aliens make use of it. Anything that I might add of +my later adventures would be a repetition, in substance, of what I +have already described. Having traced the way an immigrant child may +take from the ship through the public schools, passed on from hand to +hand by the ready teachers; through free libraries and lecture halls, +inspired by every occasion of civic consciousness; dragging through +the slums the weight of private disadvantage, but heartened for the +effort by public opportunity; welcomed at a hundred open doors of +instruction, initiated with pomp and splendor and flags unfurled +seeking, in American minds, the American way, and finding it in the +thoughts of the noble,--striving against the odds of foreign birth and +poverty, and winning, through the use of abundant opportunity, a +place as enviable as that of any native child,--having traced the +footsteps of the young immigrant almost to the college gate, the rest +of the course may be left to the imagination. Let us say that from the +Latin School on I lived very much as my American schoolmates lived, +having overcome my foreign idiosyncrasies, and the rest of my outward +adventures you may read in any volume of American feminine statistics. + +But lest I be reproached for a sudden affectation of reserve, after +having trained my reader to expect the fullest particulars, I am +willing to add a few details. I went to college, as I proposed, though +not to Radcliffe. Receiving an invitation to live in New York that I +did not like to refuse, I went to Barnard College instead. There I +took all the honors that I deserved; and if I did not learn to write +poetry, as I once supposed I should, I learned at least to think in +English without an accent. Did I get rich? you may want to know, +remembering my ambition to provide for the family. I can reply that I +have earned enough to pay Mrs. Hutch the arrears, and satisfy all my +wants. And where have I lived since I left the slums? My favorite +abode is a tent in the wilderness, where I shall be happy to serve you +a cup of tea out of a tin kettle, and answer further questions. + +And is this really to be the last word? Yes, though a long chapter of +the romance of Dover Street is left untold. I could fill another book +with anecdotes, telling how I took possession of Beacon Street, and +learned to distinguish the lord of the manor from the butler in full +dress. I might trace my steps from my bare room overlooking the +lumber-yard to the satin drawing-rooms of the Back Bay, where I drank +afternoon tea with gentle ladies whose hands were as delicate as +their porcelain cups. My journal of those days is full of comments on +the contrasts of life, that I copied from my busy thoughts in the +evening, after a visit to my aristocratic friends. Coming straight +from the cushioned refinement of Beacon Street, where the maid who +brought my hostess her slippers spoke in softer accents than the +finest people on Dover Street, I sometimes stumbled over poor Mr. +Casey lying asleep in the corridor; and the shock of the contrast was +like a searchlight turned suddenly on my life, and I pondered over the +revelation, and wrote touching poems, in which I figured as a heroine +of two worlds. + +I might quote from my journals and poems, and build up the picture of +that double life. I might rehearse the names of the gracious friends +who admitted me to their tables, although I came direct from the +reeking slums. I might enumerate the priceless gifts they showered on +me; gifts bought not with gold but with love. It would be a pleasant +task to recall the high things that passed in the gilded drawing-rooms +over the afternoon tea. It would add a splendor to my simple narrative +to weave in the portraits of the distinguished men and women who +busied themselves with the humble fortunes of a school-girl. And +finally, it would relieve my heart of a burden of gratitude to +publish, once for all, the amount of my indebtedness to the devoted +friends who took me by the hand when I walked in the paths of +obscurity, and led me, by a pleasanter lane than I could have found by +myself, to the open fields where obstacles thinned and opportunities +crowded to meet me. Outside America I should hardly be believed if I +told how simply, in my experience, Dover Street merged into the Back +Bay. These are matters to which I long to testify, but I must wait +till they recede into the past. + +I can conjure up no better symbol of the genuine, practical equality +of all our citizens than the Hale House Natural History Club, which +played an important part in my final emancipation from the slums. For +all I was regarded as a plaything by the serious members of the club, +the attention and kindness they lavished on me had a deep +significance. Every one of those earnest men and women unconsciously +taught me my place in the Commonwealth, as the potential equal of the +best of them. Few of my friends in the club, it is true, could have +rightly defined their benevolence toward me. Perhaps some of them +thought they befriended me for charity's sake, because I was a starved +waif from the slums. Some of them imagined they enjoyed my society, +because I had much to say for myself, and a gay manner of meeting +life. But all these were only secondary motives. I myself, in my +unclouded perception of the true relation of things that concerned me, +could have told them all why they spent their friendship on me. They +made way for me because I was their foster sister. They opened their +homes to me that I might learn how good Americans lived. In the least +of their attentions to me, they cherished the citizen in the making. + + * * * * * + +The Natural History Club had spent the day at Nahant, studying marine +life in the tide pools, scrambling up and down the cliffs with no +thought for decorum, bent only on securing the starfish, limpets, +sea-urchins, and other trophies of the chase. There had been a merry +luncheon on the rocks, with talk and laughter between sandwiches, and +strange jokes, intelligible only to the practising naturalist. The +tide had rushed in at its proper time, stealing away our seaweed +cushions, drowning our transparent pools, spouting in the crevices, +booming and hissing, and tossing high the snowy foam. + + [Illustration: THE TIDE HAD RUSHED IN, STEALING AWAY OUR SEAWEED + CUSHIONS] + +From the deck of the jolly excursion steamer which was carrying us +home, we had watched the rosy sun dip down below the sea. The members +of the club, grouped in twos and threes, discussed the day's +successes, compared specimens, exchanged field notes, or watched the +western horizon in sympathetic silence. + +It had been a great day for me. I had seen a dozen new forms of life, +had caught a hundred fragments of the song of nature by the sea; and +my mind was seething with meanings that crowded in. I do not remember +to which of my learned friends I addressed my questions on this +occasion, but he surely was one of the most learned. For he took up +all my fragments of dawning knowledge in his discourse, and welded +them into a solid structure of wisdom, with windows looking far down +the past and a tower overlooking the future. I was so absorbed in my +private review of creation that I hardly realized when we landed, or +how we got into the electric cars, till we were a good way into the +city. + +At the Public Library I parted from my friends, and stood on the broad +stone steps, my jar of specimens in my hand, watching the car that +carried them glide out of sight. My heart was full of a stirring +wonder. I was hardly conscious of the place where I stood, or of the +day, or the hour. I was in a dream, and the familiar world around me +was transfigured. My hair was damp with sea spray; the roar of the +tide was still in my ears. Mighty thoughts surged through my dreams, +and I trembled with understanding. + +I sank down on the granite ledge beside the entrance to the Library, +and for a mere moment I covered my eyes with my hand. In that moment I +had a vision of myself, the human creature, emerging from the dim +places where the torch of history has never been, creeping slowly into +the light of civilized existence, pushing more steadily forward to the +broad plateau of modern life, and leaping, at last, strong and glad, +to the intellectual summit of the latest century. + +What an awful stretch of years to contemplate! What a weighty past to +carry in memory! How shall I number the days of my life, except by the +stars of the night, except by the salt drops of the sea? + +But hark to the clamor of the city all about! This is my latest home, +and it invites me to a glad new life. The endless ages have indeed +throbbed through my blood, but a new rhythm dances in my veins. My +spirit is not tied to the monumental past, any more than my feet were +bound to my grandfather's house below the hill. The past was only my +cradle, and now it cannot hold me, because I am grown too big; just as +the little house in Polotzk, once my home, has now become a toy of +memory, as I move about at will in the wide spaces of this splendid +palace, whose shadow covers acres. No! it is not I that belong to the +past, but the past that belongs to me. America is the youngest of the +nations, and inherits all that went before in history. And I am the +youngest of America's children, and into my hands is given all her +priceless heritage, to the last white star espied through the +telescope, to the last great thought of the philosopher. Mine is the +whole majestic past, and mine is the shining future. + + + + +ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS + + + _To my mother who bore me; to my father who endowed me; to my + brothers and sisters who believed in me; to my friends who loved + me; to my teachers who inspired me; to my neighbors who + befriended me; to my daughter who enlarged me; to my husband who + opened the door of the greater life for me;--to all these who + helped to make this book, I give my thanks._ + + + + +GLOSSARY + +KEY TO PRONUNCIATION + + + a as in man + ä as in far + e as in met + ē as in meet + ë as long e in German Leder + i as in pin + ī as in file + o as in not + ō as in note + ö as in German König + u as in circus + ū as in mute + u̇ as in pull + ai as in aisle + oi as in joint + ch as in German ach, Scotch loch + ḥ as in German ach, Scotch loch + l̂ as in failure + ñ as in cañon + zh as z in seizure. + + +_Explanations_ + +The abbreviations _Germ._ (= German), _Hebr._ (= Hebrew), _Russ._ +(= Russian), and _Yid._ (= Yiddish) indicate the origin of a word. +Most of the names marked _Yiddish_ are such in form only, the roots +being for the most part Hebrew. + +Prop. n = proper name. + +The endings _ke_ and _le_ of Yiddish proper names (Mashke, Perele) +have a diminutive or endearing value, like the German _chen_ +(Helenchen). + +Double names are given under the first name. + +The religious customs described prevail among the Orthodox Jews of +European countries. In the United States they have been considerably +modified, especially among the Reformed Jews. + + =Ab= (äb) _Hebr._ The fifth month of the Hebrew calendar. The + ninth of Ab is a day of fasting and mourning, in commemoration + of the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temple. + + =Adonai= (ä-do-nai´), _Hebr._ An appellation of God. + + =Aleph= (ä'-lef), _Hebr._ The first letter of the Hebrew alphabet. + + =Atonement, Day of= (Hebrew, _Yom Kippur_). The most solemn of the + Hebrew festivals, observed by fasting and an elaborate + ceremonial. + + + =Bahur= (bä´-hur), _Hebr._ A young unmarried man, particularly a + student of the Talmud. (See _Yeshibah bahur_.) + + =Berl= (berl). _Yid._ Prop. n. + + + =Cabala= (käb-ä´-lä), _Hebr._ A system of Hebrew mystic philosophy + which flourished in the Middle Ages. + + =Candle Prayer= (Yiddish, _licht bentschen_). Prayer pronounced + over lighted candles by the women and older girls of the + household at the commencement of the Sabbath. + + =Canopy, wedding= (Hebrew _huppah_). A portable canopy under which + the marriage ceremony is performed, usually outdoors. + + =Cossaks= (kos´-aks), _Russ._ A name given to certain Russian + tribes, formerly distinguished for their freebooting habits, now + best known for their position in the army. + + + =Dayyan= (dai´-an), _Hebr._ A judge to whom are submitted civil + disputes, as distinguished from purely religious questions, + which are decided by the Rav. + + =Dinke= (din´-ke), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Dvina= (dvē´-nä), _Russ._ Name of a river. + + =Dvornik= (dvor´-nik), _Russ._ An outdoor man; a choreman. + + =Dvoshe= (dvo´-she), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + + =Earlocks= (Hebrew _peath_). Two locks of hair allowed to grow long + and hang in front of the ears. Among the fanatical Hasidim, a + mark of piety. + + =Eidtkuhnen= (eit-koo´-ñen), _Germ._ Name of a Russo-German + frontier town. + + + =Fetchke= (fëtch´-ke), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Fringes, sacred= (Hebrew _zizit_). Specially prepared fringes + fastened to the four corners of the _arba kanfot_ (literally, + "four-corners"), a garment worn by all pious males underneath + the jacket or frock coat, usually with the fringes showing. The + latter play a part in the daily ritual. + + + =Goluth= (gol´-ut), _Hebr._ Banishment; exile. + + =Good Jew= (Yiddish _guter id_). Among the Hasidim, a title + popularly accorded to more or less learned individuals + distinguished for their piety, and credited with supernatural + powers of healing, divination, etc. Pilgrimages to some renowned + "Good Jew" were often undertaken by the very pious, on occasions + of perplexity or trouble, for the purpose of obtaining his + advice or help. + + =Groschen= (gro´-shen), _Germ._ A popular name for various coins of + small denomination, especially the half-kopeck. + + =Gutke= (gut´-ke), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + + =Hannah Hayye= (ḥän´-a ḥai´-e), _Hebr._ Prop. n. + + =Hasid=, pl. =Hasidim= (ḥäs´-id, ḥas-id´-im), _Hebr._ A + numerous sect of Jews distinguished for their enthusiasm in + religious observance, a fanatical worship of their rabbis and + many superstitious practices. + + =Haven Mirel= (ḥa´-ve mirl), _Hebr._ and _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Hayye Dvoshe= (ḥai´-e dvo´-she), _Hebr._ and _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Hayyim= (ḥai´-im), _Hebr._ Prop. n. + + =Hazzan= (ḥäz-an), _Hebr._ Cantor in a synagogue. + + =Heder= (ḥë´-der), _Hebr._ Elementary Hebrew school, usually + held at the teacher's residence. + + =Henne Rösel= (he´-ñe rözl), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Hirshel= (hir´-shl), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Hode= (ho´-de), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Horn, ram's= (Hebrew _shofar_). Ritual horn, used in the synagogue + during the great festivals. + + =Hossen= (ḥo´-ssn), _Hebr._ Bridegroom; prospective bridegroom; + betrothed. + + =Humesh= (ḥu̇´-mesh), _Hebr._ The Pentateuch. + + + =Icon= (ī´-kon) _Russ._ A representation of Christ or some + saint, usually in an elaborate frame, found in every orthodox + Russian house. + + =Itke= (it´-ke), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + + =Jew, Good.= See under =Good=. + + + =Kibart= (ki-bärt´), _Russ._ Name of a town. + + =Kiddush= (kid´-ush), _Hebr._ Benediction pronounced over a cup of + wine before the Sabbath evening meal. + + =Kimanye= (ki-mä´-ñe), _Russ._ Name of a village. + + =Kimanyer= (ki-mä´-ñer), _Yid._ Belonging to or hailing from the + village of Kimanye. + + =Knupf= (knupf), _Yid._ A sort of turban. + + =Kopeck= (ko´-pek), _Russ._ A copper coin, the 1/100 part of a + ruble, worth about half a cent. + + =Kopistch= (ko´-pistch), _Russ._ Name of a town. + + =Kosher= (ko´-sher), _Hebr._ Clean, according to Jewish ritual law; + opposed to =tref=, unclean. Applied chiefly to articles of diet + and cooking and eating vessels. + + + =Lamden= (läm´-den), _Hebr._ Scholar; one versed in Hebrew + learning. + + =Law, the= (specifically used). The Mosaic Law; the Torah. + + =Lebe= (lë´-be), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Loaf, Sabbath.= See under Sabbath. + + =Lozhe= (lo´-zhe), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Lubavitch= (lu̇-bäv´-itch), _Russ._ Name of a town. + + + =Maryashe= (mär-yä´-she), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Mashinke= (mä´-shin-ke), _Yid._ A diminutive of Mashke. + + =Mashke= (mäsh´-ke), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Mendele= (men´-del-e), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Mezuzah= (me-zu´-zä), _Hebr._ A piece of parchment inscribed with + a passage of Scripture, rolled in a case and tacked to the + doorpost. The pious touch or kiss this when leaving or entering + a house. + + =Mikweh= (mik´-we), _Hebr._ Ritual bath, constructed and used + according to minute directions. + + =Mirele= (mir´-e-le), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Mishka= (mish´-kä), _Russ._ Prop. n. + + =Moon, blessing of.= Benediction pronounced at the appearance of + the new moon. + + =Moshe= (mo´-she), _Yid._ Prop, n., a form of Moses. + + =Möshele= (mo´-she-le), _Yid._ Prop, n., diminutive of Moshe. + + =Mulke= (ṁu̇l̂´-ke), _Yid._ Prop, n., diminutive of Mulye. + + =Mulye= (mu̇l̂´-e), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + + =Na!= (nä), _Yid._ Here you are! Take it! + + =Nohem= (no´-ḥem), _Hebr._ Prop. n. + + =Nu, nu!= (nu̇, nu̇), _Yid._ Well, well. + + + =Oi, weh!= (oi, vë), _Yid._ Woe is me! + + =Oven, sealing of.= As no fire is kindled on the Sabbath, the + Sabbath dinner is cooked on Friday afternoon and left in the + brick oven overnight. The oven is tightly closed with a board or + sheet of metal, wet rags being stuffed into the interstices. + + + =Passover= (Hebrew, _pesech_). The feast of Unleavened Bread, + commemorating the escape of the Israelites from Egypt. + + =Passport, foreign.= A special passport required of any Russian + subject wishing to go to a foreign country. To avoid the + necessity of procuring such a passport, travellers often cross + the border by stealth. + + =Perele= (per´-e-le), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Phylacteries= (fi-lak´-ter-is; Hebrew _tefillin_). Two small + leathern boxes containing parchments inscribed with certain + passages of Scripture, worn during morning prayer, one on the + forehead and one on the left arm, where they are fastened by + means of straps, in a manner carefully prescribed. The wearing + of the _tefillin_ is obligatory on all males over thirteen years + of age (the age of confirmation). + + =Pinchus= (pin´-chus), _Hebr._ Prop. n. + + =Pogrom= (po-grom´), _Russ._ An organized massacre of Jews. + + =Poll= (pol), _Yid._ A series of steps in the bathing-room, where + cupping, etc., is done under a high temperature. + + =Polota= (Po-lo-tä´), _Russ._ Name of a river. + + =Polotzk= (po´-lotzk), _Russ._, also spelled Polotsk. A town in the + government of Vitebsk, Russia, since early times a stronghold of + Jewish orthodoxy. _N.B._ Polotzk must not be confused with + Plotzk (also spelled Plock), the capital of the government of + Plotzk, in Russian Poland, about 400 miles southwest of Polotzk. + + =Praying Shawl= (Hebrew, _tallit_). A fine white woollen shawl with + sacred fringes (_zizit_), in the four corners, worn by males + after marriage, during certain devotional exercises. + + =Purim= (pu̇´-rim), _Hebr._ A feast in commemoration of the + deliverance of the Persian Jews, through the intervention of + Esther, from the massacre planned by Haman. Masquerading, + feasting, exchange of presents, and general license make this + celebration the jolliest of the Jewish year. + + + =Questions, the Four.= At the Passover feast, the youngest son (or, + in the absence of a son of suitable age, a daughter) asks four + questions as to the significance of various symbolic articles + used in the ceremonial, in reply to which the family read the + story of Exodus. + + + =Rabbi= (rab´-ī), _Hebr._ A title accorded to men distinguished + for learning and authorized to teach the Law. As used in the + present work, _rabbi_ is identical with the official title of + _rav_, which see. + + =Rabbonim= (räb-on´-im), _Hebr._ Plural of _rabbi_. + + =Rav= (räv), _Hebr._ The spiritual head of a Jewish community, + whose duties include the settlement of ritualistic questions. + + =Reb'= (reb), _Yid._ An abbreviation of _rebbe_, used as a title of + respect, equivalent to the old-fashioned English "master." + + =Rebbe= (reb´-e), _Yid._ Colloquial form of _rabbi_. A Hebrew + teacher. Applied usually to teachers of lesser rank; also used + as a title for a "Good Jew"; as, the Rebbe of Kopistch. + + =Rebbetzin= (reb´-e-tzin), _Yid._ Female Hebrew teacher. + + =Riga= (ri´-gä), _Russ._ Name of a city. + + =Ruble= (ru̇´-bl), _Russ._ The monetary unit of Russia. A silver + coin (or, more commonly, a paper bill) worth a little over fifty + cents. + + + =Sabbath Loaf= (Hebrew, _hallah_). A wheaten loaf of peculiar shape + used in the Sabbath ceremonial. + + =Sacred Fringes.= See under =Fringes=. + + =Shadchan= (shäd´-chan), _Hebr._ Professional match-maker; marriage + broker. + + =Shawl, Praying.= See under =Praying=. + + =Shema= (shmä), _Hebr._ The verse recited as the Jewish confession + of faith ("Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One"); + so called from the initial word. The "Shema" recurs constantly + in the daily ritual, and is informally repeated on every + occasion of distress, or as a charm to ward off evil + influences. + + =Shohat= (sho´-ḥat), _Hebr._ Slaughterer of cattle according to + ritual law. + + =Succoth= (su̇´-kot), _Hebr._ The feast of Tabernacles, + celebrated with many symbolic rites, among these being the + eating of the festive meals outdoors, in a booth or bower of + lattice work covered with evergreens. + + + =Talakno= (täl-äk-no´), _Russ._ Meal made of ground oats, often + mixed with other grains or with weeds. An important article of + diet among the peasants, generally moistened with cold water and + eaten raw. + + =Talmudists= (tal´-mu̇d-ists; from Hebrew _talmud_). The + compilers of the Talmud (the body of Jewish traditional lore); + scholars versed in the teachings of the Talmud. + + =Tav= (täv), _Hebr._ The last letter of the Hebrew alphabet. + + =Torah= (tō´-rä), _Hebr._ The Mosaic Law; the book or scroll of + the Law; sacred learning. + + =Trefah= (trëf´-a), _Hebr._ Unclean, according to ritual law; + opposed to kosher, clean. Chiefly applied to articles of food + and eating and cooking vessels. + + + =Versbolovo= (vers-bo-lo´-vä), _Russ._ Name of a town. + + =Verst= (vyerst), _Russ._ A measure of length, about two-thirds of + an English mile. + + =Vilna= (vil´-nä), _Russ._ Name of a city. + + =Vitebsk= (vi´-tebsk), _Russ._ Name of a city. + + =Vodka= (vod´-kä), _Russ._ A kind of whiskey distilled from barley + or from potatoes, constantly indulged in by the lower classes in + Russia, especially by the peasants. + + + =Wedding Canopy.= See under =Canopy=. + + + =Yachne= (Yäch´-ne), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Yakub= (yä-ku̇b´), _Russ._ Prop. n. + + =Yankel= (yän´-kl), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Yeshibah= (ye-shib´-ä), _Hebr._ Rabbinical school or seminary. + + =Yeshibah Bachur=, a student in a _yeshibah_. + + =Yiddish= (yid´-ish), _Yid._ Judeo-German, the language of the Jews + of Eastern Europe. The basis is an archaic form of German, on + which are grafted many words of Hebrew origin, and words from + the vernacular of the country. + + =Yochem= (yo´-chem), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Yuchovitch= (yu̇-chov-itch´), _Russ._ Name of a village. + + + =Zaddik= (tzä´-dik), _Hebr._ A man of piety; a holy man. + + =Zalmen= (zäl´-men), _Yid._ Prop. n. + + =Zimbler= (tzim´-bler), _Yid._ A performer on the _zimble_, an + instrument constructed like a wooden tray, with several wires + stretched across lengthwise, and played by means of two short + rods. + + +The Riverside Press +CAMBRIDGE. 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