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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/20861-8.txt b/20861-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..008ce6e --- /dev/null +++ b/20861-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3954 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Friendship, by Hugh Black + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Friendship + +Author: Hugh Black + +Release Date: March 20, 2007 [EBook #20861] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRIENDSHIP *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + + + + + + +FRIENDSHIP + +_By_ HUGH BLACK + + + +_With an Introductory Note by_ + +W. ROBERTSON NICOLL, D.D. + + + +Chicago--New York--Toronto + +FLEMING H. REVELL COMPANY + +London--Edinburgh + + + + +Copyright, 1898, 1903, by + +FLEMING H. REVELL COMPANY + + + + +To MY FRIEND + +HECTOR MUNRO FERGUSON + +AND TO MANY OTHER FRIENDS WHO HAVE MADE LIFE RICH + + + + + + + +_Equidem, ex omnibus rebus, quas mihi aut Fortuna aut Natura tribuit, +nihil habeo quod cum amicitia Scipionis possum, comparare._ + +CICERO. + + + + + _Intreat me not to leave thee, + And to return from following after thee: + For whither thou guest, I will go; + And where thou lodgest, I will lodge; + Thy people shall be my people, + And thy God my God: + Where thou diest, will I die, + And there will I be buried: + The Lord do so to me, and more also, + If aught but death part thee and me._ + + BOOK OF RUTH. + + + + +APPRECIATION + +BY SIR WM. ROBERTSON NICOLL, D.D. + +Mr. Hugh Black's wise and charming little book on Friendship is full of +good things winningly expressed, and, though very simply written, is +the result of real thought and experience. Mr. Black's is the art that +conceals art. For young men, especially, this volume will be a golden +possession, and it can hardly fail to affect their after lives. Mr. +Black says well that the subject of friendship is less thought of among +us now than it was in the old world. Marriage has come to mean +infinitely more. Communion with God in Christ has become to multitudes +the primal fact of life. Nevertheless the need for friendship +remains.--"British Weekly." + + + + +_Friendship is to be valued for what there is in it, not for what can +be gotten out of it. When two people appreciate each other because +each has found the other convenient to have around, they are not +friends, they are simply acquaintances with a business understanding. +To seek friendship for its utility is as futile as to seek the end of a +rainbow for its bag of gold. A true friend is always useful in the +highest sense; but we should beware of thinking of our friends as +brother members of a mutual-benefit association, with its periodical +demands and threats of suspension for non-payment of dues._ + +TRUMBULL. + + + + +Contents + + +I + +THE MIRACLE OF FRIENDSHIP + + +II + +THE CULTURE OF FRIENDSHIP + + +III + +THE FRUITS OF FRIENDSHIP + + +IV + +THE CHOICE OF FRIENDSHIP + + +V + +THE ECLIPSE OF FRIENDSHIP + + +VI + +THE WRECK OF FRIENDSHIP + + +VII + +THE RENEWING OF FRIENDSHIP + + +VIII + +THE LIMITS OF FRIENDSHIP + + +IX + +THE HIGHER FRIENDSHIP + + + + +The Miracle of Friendship + + + But, far away from these, another sort + Of lovers linkėd in true heart's consent; + Which lovėd not as these for like intent, + But on chaste virtue grounded their desire, + Far from all fraud or feignėd blandishment; + Which, in their spirits kindling zealous fire, + Brave thoughts and noble deeds did evermore aspire. + + Such were great Hercules and Hylas dear, + True Jonathan and David trusty tried; + Stout Theseus and Pirithöus his fere; + Pylades and Orestes by his side; + Mild Titus and Gesippus without pride; + Damon and Pythias, whom death could not sever; + All these, and all that ever had been tied + In bands of friendship, there did live forever; + Whose lives although decay'd, yet loves decayėd never. + + SPENSER, The Faerie Queene. + + + +The Miracle of Friendship + +The idea, so common in the ancient writers, is not all a poetic +conceit, that the soul of a man is only a fragment of a larger whole, +and goes out in search of other souls in which it will find its true +completion. We walk among worlds unrealized, until we have learned the +secret of love. We know this, and in our sincerest moments admit this, +even though we are seeking to fill up our lives with other ambitions +and other hopes. + +It is more than a dream of youth that there may be here a satisfaction +of the heart, without which, and in comparison with which, all worldly +success is failure. In spite of the selfishness which seems to blight +all life, our hearts tell us that there is possible a nobler +relationship of disinterestedness and devotion. Friendship in its +accepted sense is not the highest of the different grades in that +relationship, but it has its place in the kingdom of love, and through +it we bring ourselves into training for a still larger love. The +natural man may be self-absorbed and self-centred, but in a truer sense +it is natural for him to give up self and link his life on to others. +Hence the joy with which he makes the great discovery, that he is +something to another and another is everything to him. It is the +higher-natural for which he has hitherto existed. It is a miracle, but +it happens. + +The cynic may speak of the now obsolete sentiment of friendship, and he +can find much to justify his cynicism. Indeed, on the first blush, if +we look at the relative place the subject holds in ancient as compared +with modern literature, we might say that friendship is a sentiment +that is rapidly becoming obsolete. In Pagan writers friendship takes a +much larger place than it now receives. The subject bulks largely in +the works of Plato, Aristotle, Epictetus, Cicero. And among modern +writers it gets most importance in the writings of the more +Pagan-spirited, such as Montaigne. In all the ancient systems of +philosophy, friendship was treated as an integral part of the system. +To the Stoic it was a blessed occasion for the display of nobility and +the native virtues of the human mind. To the Epicurean it was the most +refined of the pleasures which made life worth living. In the +Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle makes it the culminating point, and out +of ten books gives two to the discussion of Friendship. He makes it +even the link of connection between his treatise on Ethics and his +companion treatise on Politics. It is to him both the perfection of +the individual life, and the bond that holds states together. +Friendship is not only a beautiful and noble thing for a man, but the +realization of it is also the ideal for the state; for if citizens be +friends, then justice, which is the great concern of all organized +societies, is more than secured. Friendship is thus made the flower of +Ethics, and the root of Politics. + +Plato also makes friendship the ideal of the state, where all have +common interests and mutual confidence. And apart from its place of +prominence in systems of thought, perhaps a finer list of beautiful +sayings about friendship could be culled from ancient writers than from +modern. Classical mythology also is full of instances of great +friendship, which almost assumed the place of a religion itself. + +It is not easy to explain why its part in Christian ethics is so small +in comparison. The change is due to an enlarging of the thought and +life of man. Modern ideals are wider and more impersonal, just as the +modern conception of the state is wider. The Christian ideal of love +even for enemies has swallowed up the narrower ideal of philosophic +friendship. Then possibly also the instinct finds satisfaction +elsewhere in the modern man. For example, marriage, in more cases now +than ever before, supplies the need of friendship. Men and women are +nearer in intellectual pursuits and in common tastes than they have +ever been, and can be in a truer sense companions. And the deepest +explanation of all is that the heart of man receives a religious +satisfaction impossible before. Spiritual communion makes a man less +dependent on human intercourse. When the heaven is as brass and makes +no sign, men are thrown back on themselves to eke out their small +stores of love. + +At the same time friendship is not an obsolete sentiment. It is as +true now as in Aristotle's time that no one would care to live without +friends, though he had all other good things. It is still necessary to +our life in its largest sense. The danger of sneering at friendship is +that it may be discarded or neglected, not in the interests of a more +spiritual affection, but to minister to a debased cynical +self-indulgence. There is possible to-day, as ever, a generous +friendship which forgets self. The history of the heart-life of man +proves this. What records we have of such in the literature of every +country! Peradventure for a good man men have even dared to die. +Mankind has been glorified by countless silent heroisms, by unselfish +service, and sacrificing love. Christ, who always took the highest +ground in His estimate of men and never once put man's capacity for the +noble on a low level, made the high-water mark of human friendship the +standard of His own great action, "Greater love hath no man than this, +that a man lay down his life for his friends." This high-water mark +has often been reached. Men have given themselves to each other, with +nothing to gain, with no self-interest to serve, and with no keeping +back part of the price. It is false to history to base life on +selfishness, to leave out of the list of human motives the highest of +all. The miracle of friendship has been too often enacted on this dull +earth of ours, to suffer us to doubt either its possibility or its +wondrous beauty. + +The classic instance of David and Jonathan represents the typical +friendship. They met, and at the meeting knew each other to be nearer +than kindred. By subtle elective affinity they felt that they belonged +to each other. Out of all the chaos of the time and the disorder of +their lives, there arose for these two souls a new and beautiful world, +where there reigned peace, and love, and sweet content. It was the +miracle of the death of self. Jonathan forgot his pride, and David his +ambition. It was as the smile of God which changed the world to them. +One of them it saved from the temptations of a squalid court, and the +other from the sourness of an exile's life. Jonathan's princely soul +had no room for envy or jealousy. David's frank nature rose to meet +the magnanimity of his friend. + +In the kingdom of love there was no disparity between the king's son +and the shepherd boy. Such a gift as each gave and received is not to +be bought or sold. It was the fruit of the innate nobility of both: it +softened and tempered a very trying time for both. Jonathan withstood +his father's anger to shield his friend: David was patient with Saul +for his son's sake. They agreed to be true to each other in their +difficult position. Close and tender must have been the bond, which +had such fruit in princely generosity and mutual loyalty of soul. +Fitting was the beautiful lament, when David's heart was bereaved at +tragic Gilboa, "I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very +pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing +the love of women." Love is always wonderful, a new creation, fair and +fresh to every loving soul. It is the miracle of spring to the cold +dull earth. + +When Montaigne wrote his essay on Friendship, he could do little but +tell the story of his friend. The essay continually reverts to this, +with joy that he had been privileged to have such a friend, with sorrow +at his loss. It is a chapter of his heart. There was an element of +necessity about it, as there is about all the great things of life. He +could not account for it. It came to him without effort or choice. It +was a miracle, but it happened. "If a man should importune me to give +a reason why I loved him, I can only answer, because it was he, because +it was I." It was as some secret appointment of heaven. They were +both grown men when they first met, and death separated them soon. "If +I should compare all my life with the four years I had the happiness to +enjoy the sweet society of this excellent man, it is nothing but smoke; +an obscure and tedious night from the day that I lost him. I have led +a sorrowful and languishing life ever since. I was so accustomed to be +always his second in all places and in all interests, that methinks I +am now no more than half a man, and have but half a being." We would +hardly expect such passion of love and regret from the easy-going, +genial, garrulous essayist. + +The joy that comes from a true communion of heart with another is +perhaps one of the purest and greatest in the world, but its function +is not exhausted by merely giving pleasure. Though we may not be +conscious of it, there is a deeper purpose in it, an education in the +highest arts of living. We may be enticed by the pleasure it affords, +but its greatest good is got by the way. Even intellectually it means +the opening of a door into the mystery of life. Only love +_understands_ after all. It gives insight. We cannot truly know +anything without sympathy, without getting out of self and entering +into others. A man cannot be a true naturalist, and observe the ways +of birds and insects accurately, unless he can watch long and lovingly. +We can never know children, unless we love them. Many of the chambers +of the house of life are forever locked to us, until love gives us the +key. + +To learn to love all kinds of nobleness gives insight into the true +significance of things, and gives a standard to settle their relative +importance. An uninterested spectator sees nothing; or, what is worse, +sees wrongly. Most of our mean estimates of human nature in modern +literature, and our false realisms in art, and our stupid pessimisms in +philosophy, are due to an unintelligent reading of surface facts. Men +set out to note and collate impressions, and make perhaps a scientific +study of slumdom, without genuine interest in the lives they see, and +therefore without true insight into them. They miss the inwardness, +which love alone can supply. If we look without love we can only see +the outside, the mere form and expression of the subject studied. Only +with tender compassion and loving sympathy can we see the beauty even +in the eye dull with weeping and in the fixed face pale with care. We +will often see noble patience shining through them, and loyalty to +duty, and virtues and graces unsuspected by others. + +The divine meaning of a true friendship is that it is often the first +unveiling of the secret of love. It is not an end in itself, but has +most of its worth in what it leads to, the priceless gift of seeing +with the heart rather than with the eyes. To love one soul for its +beauty and grace and truth is to open the way to appreciate all +beautiful and true and gracious souls, and to recognize spiritual +beauty wherever it is seen. + +The possibility at least of friendship must be a faith with us. The +cynical attitude is an offence. It is possible to find in the world +true-hearted, leal, and faithful dealing between man and man. To doubt +this is to doubt the divine in life. Faith in man is essential to +faith in God. In spite of all deceptions and disillusionments, in +spite of all the sham fellowships, in spite of the flagrant cases of +self-interest and callous cruelty, we must keep clear and bright our +faith in the possibilities of our nature. The man who hardens his +heart because he has been imposed on has no real belief in virtue, and +with suitable circumstances could become the deceiver instead of the +deceived. The great miracle of friendship with its infinite wonder and +beauty may be denied to us, and yet we may believe in it. To believe +that it is possible is enough, even though in its superbest form it has +never come to us. To possess it, is to have one of the world's +sweetest gifts. + +Aristotle defines friendship as one soul abiding in two bodies. There +is no explaining such a relationship, but there is no denying it. It +has not deserted the world since Aristotle's time. Some of our modern +poets have sung of it with as brave a faith as ever poet of old. What +splendid monuments to friendship we possess in Milton's _Lycidas_ and +Tennyson's _In Memoriam_! In both there is the recognition of the +spiritual power of it, as well as the joy and comfort it brought. The +grief is tempered by an awed wonder and a glad memory. + +The finest feature of Rudyard Kipling's work and it is a constant +feature of it, is the comradeship between commonplace soldiers of no +high moral or spiritual attainment, and yet it is the strongest force +in their lives, and on occasion makes heroes of them. We feel that +their faithfulness to each other is almost the only point at which +their souls are reached. The threefold cord of his soldiers, vulgar in +mind and common in thought as they are, is a cord which we feel is not +easily broken, and it is their friendship and loyalty to each other +which save them from utter vulgarity. + +In Walt Whitman there is the same insight into the force of friendship +in ordinary life, with added wonder at the miracle of it. He is the +poet of comrades, and sings the song of companionship more than any +other theme. He ever comes back to the lifelong love of comrades. The +mystery and the beauty of it impressed him. + + O tan-faced prairie-boy, + Before you came to camp came many a welcome gift, + Praises and presents came and nourishing food, + till at last among the recruits + _You_ came, taciturn, with nothing to give--we + but looked on each other, + When lo! more than all the gifts of the world you gave me. + +After all, in spite of the vulgar materialism of our day, we do feel +that the spiritual side of life is the most important, and brings the +only true joy. And friendship in its essence is spiritual. It is the +free, spontaneous outflow of the heart, and is a gift from the great +Giver. + +Friends are born, not made. At least it is so with the higher sort. +The marriage of souls is a heavenly mystery, which we cannot explain, +and which we need not try to explain. The method by which it is +brought about differs very much, and depends largely on temperament. +Some friendships grow, and ripen slowly and steadily with the years. +We cannot tell where they began, or how. They have become part of our +lives, and we just accept them with sweet content and glad confidence. +We have discovered that somehow we are rested, and inspired, by a +certain companionship; that we understand and are understood easily. + +Or it may come like love at first sight, by the thrill of elective +affinity. This latter is the more uncertain, and needs to be tested +and corrected by the trial of the years that follow. It has to be +found out whether it is really spiritual kinship, or mere emotional +impulse. It is a matter of temper and character. A naturally reserved +person finds it hard to open his heart, even when his instinct prompts +him; while a sociable, responsive nature is easily companionable. It +is not always this quick attachment, however, which wears best, and +that is the reason why youthful friendships have the character of being +so fickle. They are due to a natural instinctive delight in society. +Most young people find it easy to be agreeable, and are ready to place +themselves under new influences. + +But whatever be the method by which a true friendship is formed, +whether the growth of time or the birth of sudden sympathy, there +seems, on looking back, to have been an element of necessity. It is a +sort of predestined spiritual relationship. We speak of a man meeting +his fate, and we speak truly. When we look back we see it to be like +destiny; life converged to life, and there was no getting out of it +even if we wished it. It is not that we made a choice, but that the +choice made us. If it has come gradually, we waken to the presence of +the force which has been in our lives, and has come into them never +hasting but never resting, till now we know it to be an eternal +possession. Or, as we are going about other business, never dreaming +of the thing which occurs, the unexpected happens; on the road a light +shines on us, and life is never the same again. + +In one of its aspects, faith is the recognition of the inevitableness +of providence; and when it is understood and accepted, it brings a +great consoling power into the life. We feel that we are in the hands +of a Love that orders our ways, and the knowledge means serenity and +peace. The fatality of friendship is gratefully accepted, as the +fatality of birth. To the faith which sees love in all creation, all +life becomes harmony, and all sorts of loving relationships among men +seem to be part of the natural order of the world. Indeed, such +miracles are only to be looked for, and if absent from the life of man +would make it hard to believe in the love of God. + +The world thinks we idealize our friend, and tells us that love is +proverbially blind. Not so: it is only love that sees, and thus can +"win the secret of a weed's plain heart." We only see what dull eyes +never see at all. If we wonder what another man sees in his friend, it +should be the wonder of humility, not the supercilious wonder of pride. +He sees something which we are not permitted to witness. Beneath and +amongst what looks only like worthless slag, there may glitter the pure +gold of a fair character. That anybody in the world should be got to +love us, and to see in us not what colder eyes see, not even what we +are but what we may be, should of itself make us humble and gentle in +our criticism of others' friendships. Our friends see the best in us, +and by that very fact call forth the best from us. + +The great difficulty in this whole subject is that the relationship of +friendship should so often be one-sided. It seems strange that there +should be so much unrequited affection in the world. It seems almost +impossible to get a completely balanced union. One gives so much more, +and has to be content to get so much less. One of the most humiliating +things in life is when another seems to offer his friendship lavishly, +and we are unable to respond. So much love seems to go a-begging. So +few attachments seem complete. So much affection seems unrequited. + +But are we sure it is unrequited? The difficulty is caused by our +common selfish standards. Most people, if they had their choice, would +prefer to be loved rather than to love, if only one of the alternatives +were permitted. That springs from the root of selfishness in human +nature, which makes us think that possession brings happiness. But the +glory of life is to love, not to be loved; to give, not to get; to +serve, not to be served. It may not be our fault that we cannot +respond to the offer of friendship or love, but it is our misfortune. +The secret is revealed to the other, and hid from us. The gain is to +the other, and the loss is to us. The miracle is the love, and to the +lover comes the wonder of it, and the joy. + + + + +The Culture of Friendship + + +How were Friendship possible? In mutual devotedness to the Good and +True: otherwise impossible, except as Armed Neutrality, or hollow +Commercial League. A man, be the Heavens ever praised, is sufficient +for himself; yet were ten men, united in Love, capable of being and of +doing what ten thousand singly would fail in. Infinite is the help man +can yield to man. + +CARLYLE, Sartor Resartus. + + + +The Culture of Friendship + +The Book of Proverbs might almost be called a treatise on Friendship, +so full is it of advice about the sort of person a young man should +consort with, and the sort of person he should avoid. It is full of +shrewd, and prudent, and wise, sometimes almost worldly-wise, counsel. +It is caustic in its satire about false friends, and about the way in +which friendships are broken. "The rich hath many friends," with an +easily understood implication concerning their quality. "Every man is +a friend to him that giveth gifts," is its sarcastic comment on the +ordinary motives of mean men. Its picture of the plausible, fickle, +lip-praising, and time-serving man, who blesseth his friend with a loud +voice, rising early in the morning, is a delicate piece of satire. The +fragile connections among men, as easily broken as mended pottery, get +illustration in the mischief-maker who loves to divide men. "A +whisperer separateth chief friends." There is keen irony here over the +quality of ordinary friendship, as well as condemnation of the +tale-bearer and his sordid soul. + +This cynical attitude is so common that we hardly expect such a shrewd +book to speak heartily of the possibilities of human friendship. Its +object rather is to put youth on its guard against the dangers and +pitfalls of social life. It gives sound commercial advice about +avoiding becoming surety for a friend. It warms [Transcriber's note: +warns?] against the tricks, and cheats, and bad faith, which swarmed in +the streets of a city then, as they do still. It laughs, a little +bitterly, at the thought that friendship can be as common as the eager, +generous heart of youth imagines. It almost sneers at the gullibility +of men in this whole matter. "He that maketh many friends doeth it to +his own destruction." + +And yet there is no book, even in classical literature, which so exalts +the idea of friendship, and is so anxious to have it truly valued, and +carefully kept. The worldly-wise warnings are after all in the +interests of true friendship. To condemn hypocrisy is not, as is so +often imagined, to condemn religion. To spurn the spurious is not to +reject the true. A sneer at folly may be only a covert argument for +wisdom. Satire is negative truth. The unfortunate thing is that most +men, who begin with the prudential worldly-wise philosophy, end there. +They never get past the sneer. Not so this wise book. In spite of its +insight into the weakness of man, in spite of its frank denunciation of +the common masquerade of friendship, it speaks of the true kind in +words of beauty that have never been surpassed in all the many +appraisements of this subject. "A friend loveth at all times, and is a +brother born for adversity. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. +Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart, so doth the sweetness of a +man's friend by hearty counsel. Thine own friend and thy father's +friend forsake not." These are not the words of a cynic, who has lost +faith in man. + +True, this golden friendship is not a common thing to be picked up in +the street. It would not be worth much if it were. Like wisdom it +must be sought for as for hid treasures, and to keep it demands care +and thought. To think that every goose is a swan, that every new +comrade is the man of your own heart, is to have a very shallow heart. +Every casual acquaintance is not a hero. There are pearls of the +heart, which cannot be thrown to swine. Till we learn what a sacred +thing a true friendship is, it is futile to speak of the culture of +friendship. The man who wears his heart on his sleeve cannot wonder if +daws peck at it. There ought to be a sanctuary, to which few receive +admittance. It is great innocence, or great folly, and in this +connection the terms are almost synonymous, to open our arms to +everybody to whom we are introduced. The Book of Proverbs, as a manual +on friendship, gives as shrewd and caustic warnings as are needed, but +it does not go to the other extreme, and say that all men are liars, +that there are no truth and faithfulness to be found. To say so is to +speak in haste. There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother, +says this wisest of books. There is possible such a blessed +relationship, a state of love and trust and generous comradehood, where +a man feels safe to be himself, because he knows that he will not +easily be misunderstood. + +The word friendship has been abased by applying it to low and unworthy +uses, and so there is plenty of copy still to be got from life by the +cynic and the satirist. The sacred name of friend has been bandied +about till it runs the risk of losing its true meaning. Rossetti's +versicle finds its point in life-- + + "Was it a friend or foe that spread these lies?" + "Nay, who but infants question in such wise? + 'T was one of my most intimate enemies." + +It is useless to speak of cultivating the great gift of friendship +unless we make clear to ourselves what we mean by a friend. We make +connections and acquaintances, and call them friends. We have few +friendships, because we are not willing to pay the price of friendship. + +If we think it is not worth the price, that is another matter, and is +quite an intelligible position, but we must not use the word in +different senses, and then rail at fate because there is no miracle of +beauty and joy about our sort of friendship. Like all other spiritual +blessings it comes to all of us at some time or other, and like them is +often let slip. We have the opportunities, but we do not make use of +them. Most men make friends easily enough: few keep them. They do not +give the subject the care, and thought, and trouble, it requires and +deserves. We want the pleasure of society, without the duty. We would +like to get the good of our friends, without burdening ourselves with +any responsibility about keeping them friends. The commonest mistake +we make is that we spread our intercourse over a mass, and have no +depth of heart left. We lament that we have no stanch and faithful +friend, when we have really not expended the love which produces such. +We want to reap where we have not sown, the fatuousness of which we +should see as soon as it is mentioned. "She that asks her dear five +hundred friends" (as Cowper satirically describes a well-known type) +cannot expect the exclusive affection, which she has not given. + +The secret of friendship is just the secret of all spiritual blessing. +The way to get is to give. The selfish in the end can never get +anything but selfishness. The hard find hardness everywhere. As you +mete, it is meted out to you. + +Some men have a genius for friendship. That is because they are open +and responsive, and unselfish. They truly make the most of life; for +apart from their special joys, even intellect is sharpened by the +development of the affections. No material success in life is +comparable to success in friendship. We really do ourselves harm by +our selfish standards. There is an old Latin proverb,[1] expressing +the worldly view, which says that it is not possible for a man to love +and at the same time to be wise. This is only true when wisdom is made +equal to prudence and selfishness, and when love is made the same. +Rather it is never given to a man to be wise in the true and noble +sense, until he is carried out of himself in the purifying passion of +love, or the generosity of friendship. The self-centred being cannot +keep friends, even when he makes them; his selfish sensitiveness is +always in the way, like a diseased nerve ready to be irritated. + +The culture of friendship is a duty, as every gift represents a +responsibility. It is also a necessity; for without watchful care it +can no more remain with us than can any other gift. Without culture it +is at best only a potentiality. We may let it slip, or we can use it +to bless our lives. The miracle of friendship, which came at first +with its infinite wonder and beauty, wears off, and the glory fades +into the light of common day. The early charm passes, and the soul +forgets the first exaltation. We are always in danger of mistaking the +common for the commonplace. We must not look upon it merely as the +great luxury of life, or it will cease to be even that. It begins with +emotion, but if it is to remain it must become a habit. Habit is fixed +when an accustomed thing is organized into life; and, whatever be the +genesis of friendship, it must become a habit, or it is in danger of +passing away as other impressions have done before. + +Friendship needs delicate handling. We can ruin it by stupid +blundering at the very birth, and we can kill it by neglect. It is not +every flower that has vitality enough to grow in stony ground. Lack of +reticence, which is only the outward sign of lack of reverence, is +responsible for the death of many a fair friendship. Worse still, it +is often blighted at the very beginning by the insatiable desire for +piquancy in talk, which can forget the sacredness of confidence. "An +acquaintance grilled, scored, devilled, and served with mustard and +cayenne pepper, excites the appetite; whereas a slice of old friend +with currant jelly is but a sickly, unrelishing meat." [2] Nothing is +given to the man who is not worthy to possess it, and the shallow heart +can never know the joy of a friendship, for the keeping of which he is +not able to fulfil the essential conditions. Here also it is true that +from the man that hath not, is taken away even that which he hath. + +The method for the culture of friendship finds its best and briefest +summary in the Golden Rule. To do to, and for, your friend what you +would have him do to, and for, you, is a simple compendium of the whole +duty of friendship. The very first principle of friendship is that it +is a mutual thing, as among spiritual equals, and therefore it claims +reciprocity, mutual confidence and faithfulness. There must be +sympathy to keep in touch with each other, but sympathy needs to be +constantly exercised. It is a channel of communication, which has to +be kept open, or it will soon be clogged and closed. + +The practice of sympathy may mean the cultivation of similar tastes, +though that will almost naturally follow from the fellowship. But to +cultivate similar tastes does not imply either absorption of one of the +partners, or the identity of both. Rather, part of the charm of the +intercourse lies in the difference, which exists in the midst of +agreement. What is essential is that there should be a real desire and +a genuine effort to understand each other. It is well worth while +taking pains to preserve a relationship so full of blessing to both. + +Here, as in all connections among men, there is also ample scope for +patience. When we think of our own need for the constant exercise of +this virtue, we will admit its necessity for others. After the first +flush of communion has passed, we must see in a friend things which +detract from his worth, and perhaps things which irritate us. This is +only to say that no man is perfect. With tact, and tenderness and +patience, it may be given us to help to remove what may be flaws in a +fine character, and in any case it is foolish to forget the great +virtues of our friend in fretful irritation at a few blemishes. We can +keep the first ideal in our memory, even if we know that it is not yet +an actual fact. We must not let our intercourse be coarsened, but must +keep it sweet and delicate, that it may remain a refuge from the coarse +world, a sanctuary where we leave criticism outside, and can breathe +freely. + +_Trust_ is the first requisite for making a friend. How can we be +anything but alone, if our attitude to men is one of armed neutrality, +if we are suspicious, and assertive, and querulous, and over-cautious +in our advances? Suspicion kills friendship. There must be some +magnanimity and openness of mind, before a friendship can be formed. +We must be willing to give ourselves freely and unreservedly. + +Some find it easier than others to make advances, because they are +naturally more trustful. A beginning has to be made somehow, and if we +are moved to enter into personal association with another, we must not +be too cautious in displaying our feeling. If we stand off in cold +reserve, the ice, which trembled to thawing, is gripped again by the +black hand of frost. There may be a golden moment which has been lost +through a foolish reserve. We are so afraid of giving ourselves away +cheaply--and it is a proper enough feeling, the value of which we learn +through sad experience--but on the whole perhaps the warm nature, which +acts on impulse, is of a higher type, than the over-cautious nature, +ever on the watch lest it commit itself. We can do nothing with each +other, we cannot even do business with each other, without a certain +amount of trust. Much more necessary is it in the beginning of a +deeper intercourse. + +And if trust is the first requisite for making a friend, _faithfulness_ +is the first requisite for keeping him. The way to have a friend is to +be a friend. Faithfulness is the fruit of trust. We must be ready to +lay hold of every opportunity which occurs of serving our friend. Life +is made up to most of us of little things, and many a friendship +withers through sheer neglect. Hearts are alienated, because each is +waiting for some great occasion for displaying affection. The great +spiritual value of friendship lies in the opportunities it affords for +service, and if these are neglected it is only to be expected that the +gift should be taken from us. Friendship, which begins with sentiment, +will not live and thrive on sentiment. There must be loyalty, which +finds expression in service. It is not the greatness of the help, or +the intrinsic value of the gift, which gives it its worth, but the +evidence it is of love and thoughtfulness. + +Attention to detail is the secret of success in every sphere of life, +and little kindnesses, little acts of considerateness, little +appreciations, little confidences, are all that most of us are called +on to perform, but they are all that are needed to keep a friendship +sweet. Such thoughtfulness keeps our sentiment in evidence to both +parties. If we never show our kind feeling, what guarantee has our +friend, or even ourself, that it exists? Faithfulness in deed is the +outward result of constancy of soul, which is the rarest, and the +greatest, of virtues. If there has come to us the miracle of +friendship, if there is a soul to which our soul has been drawn, it is +surely worth while being loyal and true. Through the little occasions +for helpfulness, we are training for the great trial, if it should ever +come, when the fabric of friendship will be tested to the very +foundation. The culture of friendship, and its abiding worth, never +found nobler expression than in the beautiful proverb,[3] "A friend +loveth at all times, and is a brother born for adversity." + +Most men do not deserve such a gift from heaven. They look upon it as +a convenience, and accept the privilege of love without the +responsibility of it. They even use their friends for their own +selfish purposes, and so never have true friends. Some men shed +friends at every step they rise in the social scale. It is mean and +contemptible to merely use men, so long as they further one's personal +interests. But there is a nemesis on such heartlessness. To such can +never come the ecstasy and comfort of mutual trust. This worldly +policy can never truly succeed. It stands to reason that they cannot +have brothers born for adversity, and cannot count on the joy of the +love that loveth at all times; for they do not possess the quality +which secures it. To act on the worldly policy, to treat a friend as +if he might become an enemy, is of course to be friendless. To +sacrifice a tried and trusted friend for any personal advantage of gain +or position, is to deprive our own heart of the capacity for friendship. + +The passion for novelty will sometimes lead a man to act like this. +Some shallow minds are ever afflicted by a craving for new experiences. +They sit very loosely to the past. They are the easy victims of the +untried, and yearn perpetually for novel sensations. In this matter of +friendship they are ready to forsake the old for the new. They are +always finding a swan in every goose they meet. They have their reward +in a widowed heart. Says Shakespeare in his great manner,-- + + The friends thou hast and their adoption tried + Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel, + But do not dull thy palm with entertainment + Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade. + + +The culture of friendship must pass into the consecration of +friendship, if it is to reach its goal. It is a natural evolution. +Friendship cannot be permanent unless it becomes spiritual. There must +be fellowship in the deepest things of the soul, community in the +highest thoughts, sympathy with the best endeavors. We are bartering +the priceless boon, if we are looking on friendship merely as a luxury, +and not as a spiritual opportunity. It is, or can be, an occasion for +growing in grace, for learning love, for training the heart to patience +and faith, for knowing the joy of humble service. We are throwing away +our chance, if we are not striving to be an inspiring and healthful +environment to our friend. We are called to be our best to our friend, +that he may be his best to us, bringing out what is highest and deepest +in the nature of both. + +The culture of friendship is one of the approved instruments of culture +of the heart, without which a man has not truly come into his kingdom. +It is often only the beginning, but through tender and careful culture +it may be an education for the larger life of love. It broadens out in +ever-widening circles, from the particular to the general, and from the +general to the universal--from the individual to the social, and from +the social to God. The test of religion is ultimately a very simple +one. If we do not love those whom we have seen, we cannot love those +whom we have not seen. All our sentiment about people at a distance, +and our heart-stirrings for the distressed and oppressed, and our +prayers for the heathen, are pointless and fraudulent, if we are +neglecting the occasions for service lying to our hand. If we do not +love our brethren here, how can we love our brethren elsewhere, except +as a pious sentimentality? And if we do not love those we have seen, +how can we love God whom we have not seen? + +This is the highest function of friendship, and is the reason why it +needs thoughtful culture. We should be led to God by the joy of our +lives as well as by the sorrow, by the light as well as by the +darkness, by human intercourse as well as by human loneliness. He is +the Giver of every good gift. We wound His heart of love, when we sin +against love. The more we know of Christ's spirit, and the more we +think of the meaning of God's fathomless grace, the more will we be +convinced that the way to please the Father and to follow the Son is to +cultivate the graces of kindliness and gentleness and tenderness, to +give ourselves to the culture of the heart. Not in the ecclesiastical +arena, not in polemic for a creed, not in self-assertion and +disputings, do we please our Master best, but in the simple service of +love. To seek the good of men is to seek the glory of God. They are +not two things, but one and the same. To be a strong hand in the dark +to another in the time of need, to be a cup of strength to a human soul +in a crisis of weakness, is to know the glory of life. To be a true +friend, saving his faith in man, and making him believe in the +existence of love, is to save his faith in God. And such service is +possible for all. We need not wait for the great occasion and for the +exceptional opportunity. We can never be without our chance, if we are +ready to keep the miracle of love green in our hearts by humble service. + + The primal duties shine aloft like stars. + The charities that soothe and heal and bless, + Are scattered at the feet of man like flowers. + + + +[1] _Non simul cuiquam conceditur, amare et sapere_. + +[2] Thackeray, _Roundabout Papers_. + +[3] Proverbs xvii. 17, R. V. margin. + + + + +The Fruits of Friendship + + +Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their +labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to +him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him +up. And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a +threefold cord is not quickly broken.--ECCLESIASTES. + + + O friend, my bosom said, + Through thee alone the sky is arched, + Through thee the rose is red, + All things through thee take nobler form + And look beyond the earth, + And is the mill-round of our fate, + A sun-path in thy worth. + Me too thy nobleness has taught + To master my despair; + The fountains of my hidden life + Are through thy friendship fair. + + EMERSON. + + + +The Fruits of Friendship + +In our utilitarian age things are judged by their practical value. Men +ask of everything, What is its use? Nothing is held to be outside +criticism, neither the law because of its authority, nor religion +because of its sacredness. Every relationship in life also has been +questioned, and is asked to show the reason of its existence. Even +some relationships like marriage, for long held to be above question, +are put into the crucible. + +On the whole it is a good spirit, though it can be abused and carried +to an absurd extreme. Criticism is inevitable, and ought to be +welcomed, provided we are careful about the true standard to apply. +When we judge a thing by its use, we must not have a narrow view of +what utility is. Usefulness to man is not confined to mere material +values. The common standards of the market-place cannot be applied to +the whole of life. The things which cannot be bought cannot be sold, +and the keenest valuator would be puzzled to put a price on some of +these unmarketable wares. + +When we seek to show what are the fruits of friendship, we may be said +to put ourselves in line with the critical spirit of our age. But even +if it were proven that a man could make more of his life materially by +himself, if he gave no hostages to fortune, it would not follow that it +is well to disentangle oneself from the common human bonds; for our +_caveat_ would here apply, that utility is larger than mere material +gain. + +But even from this point of view friendship justifies itself. Two are +better than one; for they have a good reward for their labor. The +principle of association in business is now accepted universally. It +is found even to pay, to share work and profit. Most of the world's +business is done by companies, or partnerships, or associated endeavor +of some kind. And the closer the intimacy between the men so engaged, +the intimacy of common desires and common purposes, and mutual respect +and confidence, and, if possible, friendship, the better chance there +is for success. Two are better than one from the point of view even of +the reward of each, and a threefold cord is not quickly broken, when a +single strand would snap. + +When men first learned, even in its most rudimentary sense, that union +is strength, the dawn of civilization began. For offence and for +defence, the principle of association early proved itself the fittest +for survival. The future is always with Isaac, not with Ishmael--with +Jacob, not with Esau. In everything this is seen, in the struggle of +races, or trade, or ideas. Even as a religious method to make an +impact on the world, it is true. John of the Desert touched here a +life, and there a life; Jesus of Nazareth, seeking disciples, founding +a society, moved the world to its heart. + +It is not necessary to labor this point, that two are better than one, +to a commercial age like ours, which, whatever it does not know, at +least knows its arithmetic. We would say that it is self-evident, that +by the law of addition it is double, and by the law of multiplication +twice the number. But it is not so exact as that, nor so self-evident. +When we are dealing with men, our ready-reckoner rules do not work out +correctly. In this region one and one are not always two. They are +sometimes more than two, and sometimes less than two. Union of all +kinds, which may be strength, may be weakness. It was not till Gideon +weeded out his army, once and twice, that he was promised victory. The +fruits of friendship may be corrupting, and unspeakably evil to the +life. The reward of the labor of two may be less than that of one. +The boy pulling a barrow is lucky if he get another boy to shove +behind, but if the boy behind not only ceases to shove, but sits on the +barrow, the last end is worse than the first. A threefold cord with +two of the strands rotten is worse than a single sound strand, for it +deceives into putting too much weight on it. + +In social economics it is evident that society is not merely the sum of +the units that compose it. Two are better than one, not merely because +the force is doubled. It may even be said that two are better than +two. Two together mean more than two added singly; for a new element +is introduced which increases the power of each individually. When the +man Friday came into the life of Robinson Crusoe, he brought with him a +great deal more than his own individual value, which with his lower +civilization would not be very much. But to Robinson Crusoe he +represented society, and all the possibilities of social polity. It +meant also the satisfaction of the social instincts, the play of the +affections, and made Crusoe a different man. The two living together +were more than the two living on different desert islands. + +The truth of this strange contradiction of the multiplication table is +seen in the relationship of friends. Each gives to the other, and each +receives, and the fruit of the intercourse is more than either in +himself possesses. Every individual relationship has contact with a +universal. To reach out to the fuller life of love is a divine +enchantment, because it leads to more than itself, and is the open door +into the mystery of life. We feel ourselves united to the race and no +longer isolated units, but in the sweep of the great social forces +which mould mankind. Every bond which binds man to man is a new +argument for the permanence of life itself, and gives a new insight +into its meaning. Love is the pledge and the promise of the future. + +Besides this cosmic and perhaps somewhat shadowy benefit, there are +many practical fruits of friendship to the individual. These may be +classified and subdivided almost endlessly, and indeed in every special +friendship the fruits of it will differ according to the character and +closeness of the tie, and according to the particular gifts of each of +the partners. One man can give to his friend some quality of sympathy, +or some kind of help, or can supply some social need which is lacking +in his character or circumstances. Perhaps it is not possible to get a +better division of the subject than the three noble fruits of +friendship which Bacon enumerates--peace in the affections, support of +the judgment, and aid in all actions and occasions. + + +First of all there is the _satisfaction of the heart_. We cannot live +a self-centred life, without feeling that we are missing the true glory +of life. We were made for social intercourse, if only that the highest +qualities of our nature might have an opportunity for development. The +joy, which a true friendship gives, reveals the existence of the want +of it, perhaps previously unfelt. It is a sin against ourselves to let +our affections wither. This sense of incompleteness is an argument in +favor of its possible satisfaction; our need is an argument for its +fulfilment. Our hearts demand love, as truly as our bodies demand +food. We cannot live among men, suspicious, and careful of our own +interests, and fighting for our own hand, without doing dishonor and +hurt to our own nature. To be for ourselves puts the whole world +against us. To harden our heart hardens the heart of the universe. + +We need sympathy, and therefore we crave for friendship. Even the most +perfect of the sons of men felt this need of intercourse of the heart. +Christ, in one aspect the most self-contained of men, showed this human +longing all through His life. He ever desired opportunities for +enlargement of heart--in His disciples, in an inner circle within the +circle, in the household of Bethany. "Will ye also go away?" He asked +in the crisis of His career. "Could ye not watch with Me one hour?" He +sighed in His great agony. He was perfectly human, and therefore felt +the lack of friendship. The higher our relationships with each other +are, the closer is the intercourse demanded. Highest of all in the +things of the soul, we feel that the true Christian life cannot be +lived in the desert, but must be a life among men, and this because it +is a life of joy as well as of service. We feel that, for the founding +of our life and the completion of our powers, we need intercourse with +our kind. Stunted affections dwarf the whole man. We live by +admiration, hope, and love, and these can be developed only in the +social life. + +The sweetest and most stable pleasures also are never selfish. They +are derived from fellowship, from common tastes, and mutual sympathy. +Sympathy is not a quality merely needed in adversity. It is needed as +much when the sun shines. Indeed, it is more easily obtained in +adversity than in prosperity. It is comparatively easy to sympathize +with a friend's _failure_, when we are not so true-hearted about his +success. When a man is down in his luck, he can be sure of at least a +certain amount of good-fellowship to which he can appeal. It is +difficult to keep a little touch of malice, or envy, out of +congratulations. It is sometimes easier to weep with those who weep, +than to rejoice with those who rejoice. This difficulty is felt not +with people above us, or with little connection with us, but with our +equals. When a friend succeeds, there may be a certain regret which +has not always an evil root, but is due to a fear that he is getting +beyond our reach, passing out of our sphere, and perhaps will not need +or desire our friendship so much as before. It is a dangerous feeling +to give way to, but up to a certain point is natural and legitimate. A +perfect friendship would not have room for such grudging sympathy, but +would rejoice more for the other's success than for his own. The +envious, jealous man never can be a friend. His mean spirit of +detraction and insinuating ill-will kills friendship at its birth. +Plutarch records a witty remark about Plistarchus, who was told that a +notorious railer had spoken well of him. "I'll lay my life," said he, +"somebody has told him I am dead, for he can speak well of no man +living." + +For true satisfaction of the heart, there must be a fount of sympathy +from which to draw in all the vicissitudes of life. Sorrow asks for +sympathy, aches to let its griefs be known and shared by a kindred +spirit. To find such, is to dispel the loneliness from life. To have +a heart which we can trust, and into which we can pour our griefs and +our doubts and our fears, is already to take the edge from grief, and +the sting from doubt, and the shade from fear. + +Joy also demands that its joy should be shared. The man who has found +his sheep that was lost calls together his neighbors, and bids them +rejoice with him because he has found the sheep that was lost. Joy is +more social than grief. Some forms of grief desire only to creep away +into solitude like a wounded beast to its lair, to suffer alone and to +die alone. But joy finds its counterpart in the sunshine and the +flowers and the birds and the little children, and enters easily into +all the movements of life. Sympathy will respond to a friend's +gladness, as well as vibrate to his grief. A simple generous +friendship will thus add to the joy, and will divide the sorrow. + +The religious life, in spite of all the unnatural experiments of +monasticism and all its kindred ascetic forms, is preėminently a life +of friendship. It is individual in its root, and social in its fruits. +It is when two or three are gathered together that religion becomes a +fact for the world. The joy of religion will not be hid and buried in +a man's own heart. "Come, see a man that told me all that ever I did," +is the natural outcome of the first wonder and the first faith. It +spreads from soul to soul by the impact of soul on soul, from the +original impact of the great soul of God. + +Christ's ideal is the ideal of a Kingdom, men banded together in a +common cause, under common laws, serving the same purpose of love. It +is meant to take effect upon man in all his social relationships, in +the home, in the city, in the state. Its greatest triumphs have been +made through friendship, and it in turn has ennobled and sanctified the +bond. The growth of the Kingdom depends on the sanctified working of +the natural ties among men. It was so at the very start; John the +Baptist pointed out the Christ to John the future Apostle and to +Andrew; Andrew findeth his own brother Simon Peter; Philip findeth +Nathanael; and so society through its network of relations took into +its heart the new message. The man who has been healed must go and +tell those who are at home, must declare it to his friends, and seek +that they also should share in his great discovery. + +The very existence of the Church as a body of believers is due to this +necessity of our nature, which demands opportunity for the interchange +of Christian sentiment. The deeper the feeling, the greater is the joy +of sharing it with another. There is a strange felicity, a wondrous +enchantment, which comes from true intimacy of heart, and close +communion of soul, and the result is more than mere fleeting joy. When +it is shared in the deepest thoughts and highest aspirations, when it +is built on a common faith, and lives by a common hope, it brings +perfect peace. No friendship has done its work until it reaches the +supremest satisfaction of spiritual communion. + +Besides this satisfaction of the heart, friendship also gives +_satisfaction of the mind_. Most men have a certain natural diffidence +in coming to conclusions and forming opinions for themselves. We +rarely feel confident, until we have secured the agreement of others in +whom we trust. There is always a personal equation in all our +judgments, so that we feel that they require to be amended by +comparison with those of others. Doctors ask for a consultation, when +a case becomes critical. We all realize the advantage of taking +counsel. To ask for advice is a benefit, whether we follow the advice +or no. Indeed, the best benefit often comes from the opportunity of +testing our own opinion and finding it valid. Sometimes the very +statement of the case is enough to prove it one thing or the other. An +advantage is reaped from a sympathetic listener, even although our +friend be unable to elucidate the matter by his special sagacity or +experience. Friends in counsel gain much intellectually. They acquire +something approaching to a standard of judgment, and are enabled to +classify opinions, and to make up the mind more accurately and +securely. Through talking a subject over with another, one gets fresh +side-lights into it, new avenues open up, and the whole question +becomes larger and richer. Bacon says, "Friendship maketh daylight in +the understanding, out of darkness and confusion of thoughts: neither +is this to be understood only of faithful counsel, which a man +receiveth from his friend; but before you come to that, certain it is, +that whosoever hath his mind fraught with many thoughts, his wits and +understanding do clarify and break up in the communicating and +discoursing with another; he tosseth his thoughts more easily; he +marshalleth them more orderly; he seeth how they look when they are +turned into words; finally he waxeth wiser than himself; and that more +by an hour's discourse than by a day's meditation." + +We must have been struck with the brilliancy of our own conversation +and the profundity of our own thoughts, when we shared them with one, +with whom we were in sympathy at the time. The brilliancy was not +ours; it was the reflex action which was the result of the communion. +That is why the effect of different people upon us is different, one +making us creep into our shell and making us unable almost to utter a +word; another through some strange magnetism enlarging the bounds of +our whole being and drawing the best out of us. The true insight after +all is love. It clarifies the intellect, and opens the eyes to much +that was obscure. + +Besides the subjective influence, there may be the great gain of honest +counsel. A faithful friend can be trusted not to speak merely soft +words of flattery. It is often the spectator who sees most of the +game, and, if the spectator is at the same time keenly interested in +us, he can have a more unbiased opinion than we can possibly have. He +may have to say that which may wound our self-esteem; he may have to +speak for correction rather than for commendation; but "Faithful are +the wounds of a friend." The flatterer will take good care not to +offend our susceptibilities by too many shocks of wholesome +truth-telling; but a friend will seek our good, even if he must say the +thing we hate to hear at the time. + +This does not mean that a friend should always be what is called +plain-spoken. Many take advantage of what they call a true interest in +our welfare, in order to rub gall into our wounds. The man who boasts +of his frankness and of his hatred of flattery, is usually not +frank--but only brutal. A true friend will never needlessly hurt, but +also will never let slip occasions through cowardice. To speak the +truth in love takes off the edge of unpleasantness, which so often is +found in truth-speaking. And however the wound may smart, in the end +we are thankful for the faithfulness which caused it. "Let the +righteous smite me; it shall be a kindness: and let him reprove me; it +shall be an excellent oil, which shall not break my head." + +In our relations with each other, there is usually more advantage to be +reaped from friendly encouragement, than from friendly correction. +True criticism does not consist, as so many critics seem to think, in +depreciation, but in appreciation; in putting oneself sympathetically +in another's position, and seeking to value the real worth of his work. +There are more lives spoiled by undue harshness, than by undue +gentleness. More good work is lost from want of appreciation than from +too much of it; and certainly it is not the function of friendship to +do the critic's work. Unless carefully repressed, such a spirit +becomes censorious, or, worse still, spiteful, and has often been the +means of losing a friend. It is possible to be kind, without giving +crooked counsel, or oily flattery; and it is possible to be true, +without magnifying faults, and indulging in cruel rebukes. + + +Besides the joy of friendship, and its aid in matters of counsel, a +third of its noble fruits is the direct _help_ it can give us in the +difficulties of life. It gives strength to the character. It sobers +and steadies through the responsibility for each other which it means. +When men face the world together, and are ready to stand shoulder to +shoulder, the sense of comradeship makes each strong. This help may +not often be called into play, but just to know that it is there if +needed is a great comfort, to know that if one fall the other will lift +him up. The very word friendship suggests kindly help and aid in +distress. Shakespeare applies the word in _King Lear_ to an inanimate +thing with this meaning of helpfulness,-- + + Gracious my lord, hard by here is a hovel; + Some _friendship_ will it lend you 'gainst the tempest. + +Sentiment does not amount to much, if it is not an inspiring force to +lead to gentle and to generous deeds, when there is need. The fight is +not so hard, when we know that we are not alone, but that there are +some who think of us, and pray for us, and would gladly help us if they +get the opportunity. + +Comradeship is one of the finest facts, and one of the strongest forces +in life. A mere strong man, however capable, and however singly +successful, is of little account by himself. There is no glamour of +romance in his career. The kingdom of Romance belongs to David, not to +Samson--to David, with his eager, impetuous, affectionate nature, for +whom three men went in the jeopardy of life to bring him a drink of +water; and all for love of him. It is not the self-centred, +self-contained hero, who lays hold of us; it is ever the comradeship of +heroes. Dumas' Three Musketeers (and the Gascon who made a greater +fourth), with their oath, "Each for all, and all for each," inherit +that kingdom of Romance, with all that ever have been tied in bands of +love. + +Robertson of Brighton in one of his letters tells how a friend of his +had, through cowardice or carelessness, missed an opportunity of +putting him right on a point with which he was charged, and so left him +defenceless against a slander. With his native sweetness of soul, he +contents himself with the exclamation, "How rare it is to have a friend +who will defend you thoroughly and boldly!" Yet that is just one of +the loyal things a friend can do, sometimes when it would be impossible +for a man himself to do himself justice with others. Some things, +needful to be said or done under certain circumstances, cannot be +undertaken without indelicacy by the person concerned, and the keen +instinct of a friend should tell him that he is needed. A little +thoughtfulness would often suggest things that could be done for our +friends, that would make them feel that the tie which binds us to them +is a real one. That man is rich indeed, who possesses thoughtful, +tactful friends, with whom he feels safe when present, and in whose +hands his honor is secure when absent. If there be no loyalty, there +can be no great friendship. Most of our friendships lack the +distinction of greatness, because we are not ready for little acts of +service. Without these our love dwindles down to a mere sentiment, and +ceases to be the inspiring force for good to both lives, which it was +at the beginning. + +The aid we may receive from friendship may be of an even more powerful, +because of a more subtle, nature than material help. It may be a +safeguard against temptation. The recollection of a friend whom we +admire is a great force to save us from evil, and to prompt us to good. +The thought of his sorrow in any moral break-down of ours will often +nerve us to stand firm. What would my friend think of me, if I did +this, or consented to this meanness? Could I look him in the face +again, and meet the calm pure gaze of his eye? Would it not be a blot +on our friendship, and draw a veil over our intercourse? No friendship +is worth the name which does not elevate, and does not help to nobility +of conduct and to strength of character. It should give a new zest to +duty, and a new inspiration to all that is good. + +Influence is the greatest of all human gifts, and we all have it in +some measure. There are some to whom we are something, if not +everything. There are some, who are grappled to us with hoops of +steel. There are some, over whom we have ascendency, or at least to +whom we have access, who have opened the gates of the City of Mansoul +to us, some we can sway with a word, a touch, a look. It must always +be a solemn thing for a man to ask what he has done with this dread +power of influence. For what has our friend to be indebted to us--for +good or for evil? Have we put on his armor, and sent him out with +courage and strength to the battle? Or have we dragged him down from +the heights to which he once aspired? We are face to face here with +the tragic possibilities of human intercourse. In all friendship we +open the gates of the city, and those who have entered must be either +allies in the fight, or treacherous foes. + +All the fruits of friendship, be they blessed or baneful, spring from +this root of influence, and influence in the long run is the impress of +our real character on other lives. Influence cannot rise above the +level of our lives. The result of our friendship on others will +ultimately be conditioned by the sort of persons we are. It adds a +very sacred responsibility to life. Here, as in other regions, a good +tree bringeth forth good fruit, but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil +fruit. + + + + +The Choice of Friendship + + +If thou findest a good man, rise up early in the morning to go to him, +and let thy feet wear the steps of his door. + +THE APOCRYPHAL BOOK OF ECCLESIASTICUS. + + + Whereof the man, that with me trod + This planet, was a noble type, + Appearing ere the times were ripe, + That friend of mine who lives with God. + + TENNYSON. + + + +The Choice of Friendship + +Our responsibility for our friendships is not confined to making sure +that our influence over others is for good. We have also a duty to +ourselves. As we possess the gift of influence over others, so we in +turn are affected by every life which touches ours. Influence is like +an atmosphere exhaled by each separate personality. Some men seem +neutral and colorless, with no atmosphere to speak of. Some have a bad +atmosphere, like the rank poisonous odor of noxious weeds, breeding +malaria. If our moral sense were only keen and true, we would +instinctively know them, as some children do, and dread their company. +Others have a good atmosphere; we can breathe there in safety, and have +a joyful sense of security. With some of these it is a local delicate +environment, sweet, suggestive, like the aroma of wild violets: we have +to look, and sometimes to stoop, to get into its range. With some it +is like a pine forest, or a eucalyptus grove of warmer climes, which +perfumes a whole country side. It is well to know such, Christ's +little ones and Christ's great ones. They put oxygen into the moral +atmosphere, and we breathe more freely for it. They give us new +insight, and fresh courage, and purer faith, and by the impulse of +their example inspire us to nobler life. + +There is nothing so important as the choice of friendship; for it both +reflects character and affects it. A man is known by the company he +keeps. This is an infallible test; for his thoughts, and desires, and +ambitions, and loves are revealed here. He gravitates naturally to his +congenial sphere. And it affects character; for it is the atmosphere +he breathes. It enters his blood and makes the circuit of his veins. +"All love assimilates to what it loves." A man is moulded into +likeness of the lives that come nearest him. It is at the point of the +emotions that he is most impressionable. The material surroundings, +the outside lot of a man, affects him, but after all that is mostly on +the outside; for the higher functions of life may be served in almost +any external circumstances. But the environment of other lives, the +communion of other souls, are far more potent facts. The nearer people +are to each other, and the less disguise there is in their +relationship, the more invariably will the law of spiritual environment +act. + +It seems a tragedy that people, who see each other as they are, become +like each other; and often it is a tragedy. But the law carries as +much hope in it as despair. If through it evil works havoc, through it +also good persists. If we are hindered by the weakness of our +associates, we are often helped by their goodness and sweetness. +Contact with a strong nature inspires us with strength. Some one once +asked Kingsley what was the secret of his strong joyous life, and he +answered, "I had a friend." If every evil man is a centre of +contagion, every good man is a centre of healing. He provides an +environment in which others can see God. Goodness creates an +atmosphere for other souls to be good. It is a priestly garment that +has virtue even for the finger that touches it. The earth has its +salt, and the world has its light, in the sweet souls, and winsome +lives, and Christ-like characters to be found in it. The choice of +friends is therefore one of the most serious affairs in life, just +because a man becomes moulden into the likeness of what he loves in his +friend. + +From the purely selfish standard, every fresh tie we form means giving +a new hostage to fortune, and adding a new risk to our happiness. +Apart from any moral evil, every intimacy is a danger of another blow +to the heart. But if we desire fulness of life, we cannot help +ourselves. A man may make many a friendship to his own hurt, but the +isolated life is a greater danger still. _Societas est mater +discordiarum_, which Scott in his humorous pathetic account of the +law-suits of Peter Peebles _versus_ Plainstanes in "Redgauntlet," +translates, Partnership oft makes pleaship. Every relationship means +risk, but we must take the risk; for while nearly all our sorrows come +from our connection with others, nearly all our joys have the same +source. We cannot help ourselves; for it is part of the great +discipline of life. Rather, we need knowledge, and care, and +forethought to enable us to make the best use of the necessities of our +nature. And foremost of these for importance is our choice of friends. + +We may err on the one side by being too cautious, and too exclusive in +our attachments. We may be supercilious, and disdainful in our +estimate of men. Contempt always blinds the eyes. Every man is +vulnerable somewhere, if only like Achilles in the heel. The true +secret of insight is not contempt, but sympathy. Such disdain usually +means putting all the eggs into one basket, when a smash spells ruin. + +The other extreme is the attitude, which easily makes many friends, +without much consideration of quality. We know the type of man, who is +friendly with everybody, and a friend of none. He is Hail fellow well +met! with every passing stranger, a boon companion of every wayfarer. +He takes up with every sort of casual comrade, and seeks to be on good +terms with everybody. He makes what is called, with a little contempt, +good company, and is a favorite on all light occasions. His affections +spread themselves out over a large expanse. He is easily consoled for +a loss, and easily attracted by a new attachment. And as he deals, so +is he dealt with. Many like him; few quite trust him. He makes many +friends, and is not particular about their quality. The law of +spiritual environment plays upon him with its relentless force. He +gives himself away too cheaply, and opens himself to all sorts of +influence. He is constantly laying himself in the way of temptation. +His mind takes on the opinions of his set: his character assimilates +itself to the forces that act on it. The evil example of some of his +intimates gradually breaks down the barriers of past training and +teaching. The desire to please a crowd means that principle is let +slip, and conscience ceases to be the standard of action. His very +friends are not true friends, being mostly of the fair-weather quality. + +Though it may seem difficult to avoid either of these two extremes, it +will not do to refuse to choose at all, and leave things to chance. We +drift into many of our connections with men, but the art of seamanship +is tested by sailing not by drifting. The subject of the choice of +friendship is not advanced much by just letting them choose us. That +is to become the victim, not the master of our circumstances. And +while it is true that we are acted on as much as we act, and are chosen +as much as we choose, it is not permitted to any one merely to be +passive, except at great cost. + +At the same time in the mystery of friendship we cannot say that we +went about with a touchstone testing all we met, till we found the ore +that would respond to our particular magnet. It is not that we said to +ourselves, Go to, we will choose a friend, and straightway made a +distinct election to the vacant throne of our heart. From one point of +view we were absolutely passive. Things arranged themselves without +effort, and by some subtle affinity we learned that we had gained a +friend. The history of every true friendship is the brief description +of Emerson, "My friends have come to me unsought; the great God gave +them to me." There was an element of necessity in this, as in all +crises of life. + +Does it therefore seem absurd and useless to speak about the choice of +friendship at all? By no means, because the principles we set before +ourselves will determine the kind of friends we have, as truly as if +the whole initiative lay with us. We are chosen for the same reason +for which we would choose. To try to separate the two processes is to +make the same futile distinction, on a lower scale, so often made +between choosing God and being chosen by Him. It is futile, because +the distinction cannot be maintained. + +Besides, the value of having some definite principle by which to test +friendship is not confined to the positive attachments made. The +necessity for a system of selection is largely due to the necessity for +rejection. The good and great intimacies of our life will perhaps come +to us, as the wind bloweth, we cannot tell how. But by regulating our +course wisely, we will escape from hampering our life by mistakes, and +weakening it with false connections. We ought to be courteous, and +kind, and gentle with all, but not to all can we open the sanctuary of +our heart. + +We have a graduated scale of intimacy, from introduction, and nodding +acquaintance, and speaking acquaintance, through an endless series of +kinds of intercourse to the perfect friendship. In counting up our +gains and our resources, we cannot give them all the same value, +without deceiving ourselves. To expect loyalty and devotion from all +alike is to court disappointment. Most misanthropical and cynical +estimates of man are due to this mingled ignorance and conceit. We +cannot look for undying affection from the crowd we may happen to have +entertained to dinner, or have rubbed shoulders with at business +resorts or at social gatherings. Many men in life, as many are +depicted in literature, have played the misanthrope, because they have +discovered through adversity how many of their associates were +fair-weather friends. In their prosperity they encouraged toadying and +sycophancy. They liked to have hangers-on, who would flatter, and when +the east wind blows they are indignant that their circle should prefer +to avoid it. + +Shakespeare's Timon of Athens is a typical misanthrope in his virtuous +indignation at the cat-like love of men for comfort. In his prosperity +crowds of glass-faced flatterers bent before him, and were made rich in +Timon's nod. He wasted his substance in presents and hospitality, and +bred a fine race of parasites and trencher-friends. When he spent all +and began to be in want, no man gave unto him. The winter shower drove +away the summer flies. He had loved the reputation for splendid +liberality, and lavish generosity, and had sought to be a little god +among men, bestowing favors and receiving homage, all of which was only +a more subtle form of selfishness. When the brief day of prosperity +passed, men shut their doors against the setting sun. The smooth and +smilling crowd dropped off with a shrug, and Timon went to the other +extreme of misanthropy, declaimed against friendship, and cursed men +for their ingratitude. But after all he got what he had paid for. He +thought he had been buying the hearts of men, and found that he had +only bought their mouths, and tongues, and eyes. + +"He that loves to be flattered is worthy of the flatterer." For moral +value there is not much to choose between them. Rats are said to +desert the sinking ship, which is not to be wondered at in rats. The +choice of friendship does not mean the indiscriminate acceptance of all +who are willing to assume the name of friend. A touch of east wind is +good, not only to weed out the false and test the true, but also to +brace a man to the stern realities of life. When we find that some of +our intimates are dispersed by adversity, instead of raving against the +world's ingratitude like Timon, we should be glad that now we know whom +exactly we can trust. + +Another common way of choosing friends, and one which also meets with +its own fitting reward, is the selfish method of valuing men according +to their usefulness to us. To add to their credit, or reputation, some +are willing to include anybody in their list of intimates. For +business purposes even, men will sometimes run risks, by endangering +the peace of their home and the highest interests of those they love; +they are ready to introduce into their family circle men whom they +distrust morally, because they think they can make some gain out of the +connection. + +All the stupid snobbishness, and mean tuft-hunting so common, are due +to the same desire to make use of people in some way or other. It is +an abuse of the word friendship to apply it to such social scrambling. +Of course, even tuft-hunting may be only a perverted desire after what +we think the best, a longing to get near those we consider of nobler +nature and larger mind than common associates. It may be an +instinctive agreement with Plato's definition of the wise man, as ever +wanting to be with him who is better than himself. But in its usual +form it becomes an unspeakable degradation, inducing servility, and +lick-spittle humility, and all the vices of the servile mind. There +can never be true friendship without self-respect, and unless soul +meets soul free from self-seeking. If we had higher standards for +ourselves, if we lived to God and not to men, we would also find that +in the truest sense we would live with men. We need not go out of our +way to ingratiate ourselves with anybody. Nothing can make up for the +loss of independence and native dignity of soul. It is not for a man, +made in the image of God, to grovel, and demean himself before his +fellow creatures. + +After all it defeats itself; for there can only be friendship _between +equals_. This does not mean equals in what is called social position, +nor even in intellectual attainments, though these naturally have +weight, but it means equality which has a spiritual source. Can two +walk together, except they be agreed? Nor does it mean identity, nor +even likeness. Indeed, for the highest unity there must be difference, +the difference of free beings, with will, and conscience, and mind +unhampered. We often make much of our differences, forgetting that +really we differ, and _can_ differ, only because we agree. Without +many points of contact, there could be no divergence from these. +Argument and contradiction of opinion are the outcome of difference, +and yet for argument there is needed a common basis. We cannot even +discuss, unless we meet on some mental ground common to both +disputants. So there may be, nay, for the highest union there must be, +a great general conformity behind the distinctions, a deep underlying +common basis beneath the unlikeness. And for true union of hearts, +this equality must have a spiritual source. If then there must be some +spiritual affinity, agreement in what is best and highest in each, we +can see the futility of most of the selfish attempts to make capital +out of our intercourse. Our friends will be, because they must be, our +equals. We can never have a nobler intimacy, until we are made fit for +it. + +All connections based on selfishness, either on personal pleasure or on +usefulness, are accidental. They are easily dissolved, because, when +the pleasure or the utility ceases, the bond ceases. When the motive +of the friendship is removed, the friendship itself disappears. The +perfect friendship is grounded on what is permanent, on goodness, on +character. It is of much slower growth, since it takes some time to +really find out the truly lovable things in a life, but it is lasting, +since the foundation is stable. + +The most important point, then, about the choice of friendship is that +we should know what to reject. Countless attractions come to us on the +lower plane. A man may be attracted by what his own conscience tells +him to be unworthy. He may have slipped gradually into companionship +with some, whose influence is even evil. He may have got, almost +without his own will, into a set which is deteriorating his life and +character. He knows the fruits of his weakness, in the lowering of the +moral tone, in the slackening grip of the conscience, in the looser +flow of the blood. He has become pliant in will, feeble in purpose, +and flaccid in character. Every man has a duty to himself to be his +own best self, and he can never be that under the spell of evil +companionship. + +Some men mix in doubtful company, and say that they have no Pharisaic +exclusiveness, and even sometimes defend themselves by Christ's +example, who received sinners and ate with them. The comparison +borders on blasphemy. It depends on the purpose, for which sinners are +received. Christ never joined in their sin, but went to save them from +their sin; and wickedness could not lift its head in His presence. +Some seek to be initiated into the mysteries of iniquity, in idle or +morbid curiosity, perhaps to write a realistic book, or to see life, as +it is called. There is often a prurient desire to explore the tracts +of sin, as if information on such subjects meant wisdom. If men are +honest with themselves, they will admit that they join the company of +sinners, for the relish they have for the sin. We must first obey the +moral command to come out from among them and be separate, before it is +possible for us to meet them like Christ. Separateness of soul is the +law of holiness. Of Christ, of whom it was said that this man +receiveth sinners, it was also said that He was separate from sinners. +The knowledge of wickedness is not wisdom, neither is the counsel of +sinners prudence. Most young men know the temptation here referred to, +the curiosity to learn the hidden things, and to have the air of those +who know the world. + +If we have gone wrong here, and have admitted into the sanctuary of our +lives influences that make for evil, we must break away from them at +all costs. The sweeter and truer relationships of our life should arm +us for the struggle, the prayers of a mother, the sorrow of true +friends. This is the fear, countless times, in the hearts of the folks +at home when their boy leaves them to win his way in the city, the +deadly fear lest he should fall into evil habits, and into the clutches +of evil men. They know that there are men whose touch, whose words, +whose very look, is contamination. To give them entrance into our +lives is to submit ourselves to the contagion of sin. + +Friends should be chosen by a higher principle of selection than any +worldly one, of pleasure, or usefulness, or by weak submission to the +evil influences of our lot. They should be chosen for character, for +goodness, for truth and trustworthiness, because they have sympathy +with us in our best thoughts and holiest aspirations, because they have +community of mind in the things of the soul. All other connections are +fleeting and imperfect from the nature of the case. A relationship +based on the physical withers when the first bloom fades: a +relationship founded on the intellectual is only a little more secure, +as it too is subject to caprice. All purely earthly partnerships, like +all earthly treasures, are exposed to decay, the bite of the moth and +the stain of the rust; and they must all have an end. + +A young man may get opposing advice from two equally trusted +counsellors. One will advise him to cultivate the friendship of the +clever, because they will afterward occupy places of power in the +world: the other will advise him to cultivate the friendship of the +good, because if they do not inherit the earth, they aspire to the +heavens. If he knows the character of the two counsellors, he will +understand why they should look upon life from such different +standpoints; and later on he will find that while some of his friends +were both clever and good, not one of the purely intellectual +friendships remains to him. It does not afford a sufficient basis of +agreement, to stand the tear and wear of life. The basis of friendship +must be community of soul. + +The only permanent severance of heart comes through lack of a common +spiritual footing. If one soul goes up the mountain top, and the other +stays down among the shadows, if the two have not the same high +thoughts, and pure desires, and ideals of service, they cannot remain +together except in form. Friends need not be identical in temperament +and capacity, but they must be alike in sympathy. An unequal yoke +becomes either an intolerable burden, or will drag one of the partners +away from the path his soul at its best would have loved to tread. + + If you loved only what were worth your love, + Love were clear gain, and wholly well for you. + +If we choose our friends in Christ, neither here, nor ever, need we +fear parting, and will have the secure joy and peace which come from +having a friend who is as one's own soul. + + + + +The Eclipse of Friendship + + + For Lycidas is dead, dead ere his prime, + Young Lycidas, and hath not left his pew. + + * * * * * * + + Weep no more, woeful shepherds, weep no more + For Lycidas, your sorrow, is not dead. + Sunk though he be beneath the watery flow. + So sinks the day-star in the ocean bed, + And yet anon repairs his drooping head, + And tricks his beams, and with new-spangled ore + Flames in the forehead of the morning sky: + So Lycidas sunk low, but mounted high, + Through the dear might of Him that walked the waves. + + MILTON. + + + +The Eclipse of Friendship + +As it is one of the greatest joys of life when a kindred soul is for +the first time recognized and claimed, so it is one of the bitterest +moments of life when the first rupture is made of the ties which bind +us to other lives. Before it comes, it is hard to believe that it is +possible, if we ever think of it at all. When it does come, it is +harder still to understand the meaning of the blow. The miracle of +friendship seemed too fair, to carry in its bosom the menace of its +loss. We knew, of course, that such things had been, and must be, but +we never quite realized what it would be to be the victims of the +common doom of man. + +If it only came as a sudden pain, that passes after its brief spasm of +agony, it would not be so sore an affliction; but when it comes, it +comes to stay. There remains a place in our hearts which is tender to +every touch, and it is touched so often. We survive the shock of the +moment easier than the constant reminder of our loss. The old familiar +face, debarred to the sense of sight, can be recalled by a stray word, +a casual sight, a chance memory. The closer the intercourse had been, +the more things there are in our lives associated with him--things that +we did together, places that we visited together, thoughts even that we +thought together. + +There seems no region of life where we can escape from the suggestions +of memory. The sight of any little object can bring him back, with his +way of speaking, with his tricks of gesture, with all the qualities for +which we loved him, and for which we mourn him now. If the intimacy +was due to mere physical proximity, the loss will be only a vague sense +of uneasiness through the breakdown of long-continued habit; but, if +the two lives were woven into the same web, there must be ragged edges +left, and it is a weary task to take up the threads again, and find a +new woof for the warp. The closer the connection has been, the keener +is the loss. It comes back to us at the sight of the many things +associated with him, and, fill up our lives with countless distractions +as we may, the shadow creeps back to darken the world. + +Sometimes there is the added pain of remorse that we did not enough +appreciate the treasure we possessed. In thoughtlessness we accepted +the gift; we had so little idea of the true value of his friendship; we +loved so little, and were so impatient:--if only we had him back again; +if only we had one more opportunity to show him how dear he was; if +only we had another chance of proving ourselves worthy. We can hardly +forgive ourselves that we were so cold and selfish. Self-reproach, the +regret of the unaccepted opportunity, is one of the commonest feelings +after bereavement, and it is one of the most blessed. + +Still, it may become a morbid feeling. It is a false sentimentalism +which lives in the past, and lavishes its tenderness on memory. It is +difficult to say what is the dividing line between healthy sorrow and +morbid sentiment. It seems a natural instinct, which makes the +bereaved care lovingly for the very grave, and which makes the mother +keep locked up the little shoes worn by the little feet, relics hid +from the vulgar eye. The instinct has become a little more morbid, +when it has preserved the room of a dead mother, with its petty +decorations and ornaments as she left them. Beautiful as the instinct +may be, there is nothing so dangerous as when our most natural feeling +turns morbid. + +It is always a temptation, which grows stronger the longer we live, to +look back instead of forward, to bemoan the past, and thus deride the +present and distrust the future. We must not forget our present +blessings, the love we still possess, the gracious influences that +remain, and most of all the duties that claim our strength. The loving +women who went early in the morning to the sepulchre of the buried +Christ were met with a rebuke, "Why seek ye the living among the dead?" +They were sent back to life to find Him, and sent back to life to do +honor to His death. Not by ointments and spices, however precious, nor +at the rock-hewn tomb, could they best remember their Lord; but out in +the world, which that morning had seemed so cold and cheerless, and in +their lives, which then had seemed not worth living. + +Christianity does not condemn any natural human feeling, but it will +not let these interfere with present duty and destroy future +usefulness. It does not send men to search for the purpose of living +in the graves of their dead hopes and pleasures. Its disciples must +not attempt to live on the relics of even great incidents, among +crucifixes and tombs. In the Desert, the heart must reach forward to +the Promised Land, and not back to Egypt. The Christian faith is for +the future, because it believes in the God of the future. The world is +not a lumber room, full of relics and remembrances, over which to +brood. We are asked to remember the beautiful past which was ours, and +the beautiful lives which we have lost, by making the present beautiful +like it, and our lives beautiful like theirs. It is human to think +that life has no future, if now it seems "dark with griefs and graves." +It comes like a shock to find that we must bury our sorrow, and come +into contact with the hard world again, and live our common life once +more. The Christian learns to do it, not because he has a short +memory, but because he has a long faith. The voice of inspiration is +heard oftener through the realities of life, than through vain regrets +and recluse dreams. The Christian life must be in its degree something +like the Master's own life, luminous with His hope, and surrounded by a +bracing atmosphere which uplifts all who even touch its outer fringe. + + +The great fact of life, nevertheless, is death, and it must have a +purpose to serve and a lesson to teach. It seems to lose something of +its impressiveness, because it is universal. The very inevitableness +of it seems to kill thought, rather than induce it. It is only when +the blow strikes home, that we are pulled up and forced to face the +fact. Theoretically there is a wonderful unanimity among men, +regarding the shortness of life and the uncertainty of all human +relationships. The last word of the wise on life has ever been its +fleetingness, its appalling changes, its unexpected surprises. The +only certainty of life is its uncertainty--its unstable tenure, its +inevitable end. But practically we go on as if we could lay our plans, +and mortgage time, without doubt or danger; until our feet are knocked +from under us by some sudden shock, and we realize how unstable the +equilibrium of life really is. The lesson of life is death. + +The experience would not be so tragically universal, if it had not a +good and necessary meaning. For one thing it should sober us, and make +our lives full of serious, solemn purpose. It should teach us to +number our days that we may apply our hearts to wisdom. The man, who +has no place for death in his philosophy, has not learned to live. The +lesson of death is life. + +On the whole, however, it is not our own liability to death which +oppresses us. The fear of it to a brave man, not to speak of a man of +faith, can be overcome. It is the fear of it _for others_ whom we +love, which is its sting. And none of us can live very long without +knowing in our own heart's experience the reality, as well as the +terror, of death. This too has its meaning for us, to look at life +more tenderly, and touch it more gently. The pathos of life is only a +forced sentiment to us, if we have not felt the pity of life. To a +sensitive soul, smarting with his own loss, the world sometimes seems +full of graves, and for a time at least makes him walk softly among men. + +This is one reason why the making of new friends is so much easier in +youth than later on. Friendship comes to youth seemingly without any +conditions, and without any fears. There is no past to look back at, +with much regret and some sorrow. We never look behind us, _till we +miss something_. Youth is satisfied with the joy of present +possession. To the young friendship comes as the glory of spring, a +very miracle of beauty, a mystery of birth: to the old it has the bloom +of autumn, beautiful still, but with the beauty of decay. To the young +it is chiefly hope: to the old it is mostly memory. The man who is +conscious that he has lost the best of his days, the best of his +powers, the best of his friends, naturally lives a good deal in the +past. + +Such a man is prepared for further losses; he has adjusted himself to +the fact of death. At first, we cannot believe that it can happen to +us and to our love; or, if the thought comes to us, it is an event too +far in the future to ruffle the calm surface of our heart. And yet, it +must come; from it none can escape. Most can remember a night of +waiting, too stricken for prayer, too numb of heart even for feeling, +vaguely expecting the blow to strike us out of the dark. A strange +sense of the unreality of things came over us, when the black wave +submerged us and passed on. We went out into the sunshine, and it +seemed to mock us. We entered again among the busy ways of men, and +the roar of life beat upon our brain and heart, + + Yet in these ears, till hearing dies, + One set slow bell will seem to toll, + The passing of the sweetest soul + That ever looked with human eyes. + + +Was it worth while to have linked our lives on to other lives, and laid +ourselves open to such desolation? Would it not be better to go +through the world, without joining ourselves too closely to the +fleeting bonds of other loves? Why deliberately add to our +disabilities? But it is not a disability; rather, the great purpose of +all our living is to learn love, even though we must experience the +pains of love as well as the joys. To cut ourselves off from this lot +of the human would be to impoverish our lives, and deprive ourselves of +the culture of the heart, which, if a man has not learned, he has +learned nothing. Whatever the risks to our happiness, we cannot stand +out from the lot of man, without ceasing to be men in the only true +sense. + +It is not easy to solve the problem of sorrow. Indeed there is no +solution of it, unless the individual soul works out its own solution. +Most attempts at a philosophy of sorrow just end in high-sounding +words. Explanations, which profess to cover all the ground, are as +futile as the ordinary blundering attempts at comfort, which only charm +ache with sound and patch grief with proverbs. The sorrow of our +hearts is not appreciably lessened by argument. Any kind of +philosophy--any wordy explanation of the problem--is at the best poor +comfort. It is not the problem which brings the pain in the first +instance: it is the pain which brings the problem. The heart's +bitterness is not allayed by an exposition of the doctrine of +providence. Rachel who weeps for her children, the father whose little +daughter lies dead at home, are not to be appeased in their anguish by +a nicely-balanced system of thought. Nor is surcease of sorrow thus +brought to the man to whom has come a bereavement, or a succession of +bereavements, which makes him feel that all the glory and joy of life, +its friendship and love and hope, have gone down into the grave, so +that he can say, + + Three dead men have I loved, + And thou wert last of the three. + + +At the same time, if it be true that there is a meaning in friendship, +a spiritual discipline to educate the heart and train the life, it must +also be true that there is equally a meaning in the eclipse of +friendship. If we have enough faith to see death to be good, we will +find out for ourselves why it is good. It may teach us just what we +were in danger of forgetting, some omission in our lives, which was +making them shallow and poor. It may be to one a sight into the +mystery of sin; to another a sight into the mystery of love. To one it +comes with the lesson of patience, which is only a side of the lesson +of faith; to another it brings the message of sympathy. As we turn the +subject toward the light, there come gleams of color from different +facets of it. + +All life is an argument for death. We cannot persist long in the +effort to live the Christian life, without feeling the need for death. +The higher the aims, and the truer the aspirations, the greater is the +burden of living, until it would become intolerable. Sooner or later +we are forced to make the confession of Job, "I would not live alway." +To live forever in this sordidness, to have no reprieve from the doom +of sin, no truce from the struggle of sin, would be a fearful fate. + +To the Christian, therefore, death cannot be looked on as evil; first, +because it is universal, and it is universal because it is +God-ordained. In St. Peter's, at Rome, there are many tombs, in which +death is symbolized in its traditional form as a skeleton, with the +fateful hourglass and the fearful scythe. Death is the rude reaper, +who cruelly cuts off life and all the joy of life. But there is one in +which death is sculptured as a sweet gentle motherly woman, who takes +her wearied child home to safer and surer keeping. It is a truer +thought than the other. Death is a minister of God, doing His +pleasure, and doing us good. + +Again, it cannot be evil because it means a fuller life, and therefore +an opportunity for fuller and further service. Faith will not let a +man hasten the climax; for it is in the hands of love, as he himself +is. But death is the climax of life. For if all life is an argument +for death, then so also all death is an argument for life. + +Jowett says, in one of his letters, "I cannot sympathize in all the +grounds of consolation that are sometimes offered on these melancholy +occasions, but there are two things which have always seemed to me +unchangeable: first, that the dead are in the hands of God, who can do +for them more than we can ask or have; and secondly, with respect to +ourselves, that such losses deepen our views of life, and make us feel +that we would not always be here." These are two noble grounds of +consolation, and they are enough. + +Death is the great argument for immortality. We cannot believe that +the living, loving soul has ceased to be. We cannot believe that all +those treasures of mind and heart are squandered in empty air. We will +not believe it. When once we understand the meaning of the spiritual, +we see the absolute certainty of eternal life; we need no arguments for +the persistence of being. + +To appear for a little time and then vanish away, is the outward +biography of all men, a circle of smoke that breaks, a bubble on the +stream that bursts, a spark put out by a breath. + +But there is another biography, a deeper and a permanent one, the +biography of the soul. Everything that _appears_ vanishes away: that +is its fate, the fate of the everlasting hills as well as of the vapor +that caps them. But that which does not appear, the spiritual and +unseen, which we in our folly sometimes doubt because it does not +appear, is the only reality; it is eternal and passeth not away. The +material in nature is only the garb of the spiritual, as speech is the +clothing of thought. With our vulgar standards we often think of the +thought as the unsubstantial and the shadowy, and the speech as the +real. But speech dies upon the passing wind; the thought alone +remains. We consider the sound to be the music, whereas it is only the +expression of the music, and vanishes away. Behind the material world, +which waxes old as a garment, there is an eternal principle, the +thought of God it represents. Above the sounds there is the music that +can never die. Beneath our lives, which vanish away, there is a vital +thing, spirit. We cannot locate it and put our finger on it; that is +why it is permanent. The things we can put our finger on are the +things which appear, and therefore which fade and die. + +So, death to the spiritual mind is only _eclipse_. When there is an +eclipse of the sun it does not mean that the sun is blotted out of the +heavens: it only means that there is a temporary obstruction between it +and us. If we wait a little, it passes. Love cannot die. Its forms +may change, even its objects, but its life is the life of the universe. +It is not death, but sleep: not loss, but eclipse. The love is only +transfigured into something more ethereal and heavenly than ever +before. Happy to have friends on earth, but happier to have friends in +heaven. + +And it need not be even eclipse, except in outward form. Communion +with the unseen can mean true correspondence with all we have loved and +lost, if only our souls were responsive. The highest love is not +starved by the absence of its object; it rather becomes more tender and +spiritual, with more of the ideal in it. Ordinary affection, on a +lower plane, dependent on physical attraction, or on the earthly side +of life, naturally crumbles to dust when its foundation is removed. +But love is independent of time or space, and as a matter of fact is +purified and intensified by absence. Separation of friends is not a +physical thing. Lives can be sundered as if divided by infinite +distance, even although materially they are near each other. This +tragedy is often enough enacted in our midst. + +The converse is also true; so that friendship does not really lose by +death: it lays up treasure in heaven, and leaves the very earth a +sacred place, made holy by happy memories. "The ruins of Time build +mansions in Eternity," said William Blake, speaking of the death of a +loved brother, with whose spirit he never ceased to converse. There +are people in our homes and our streets whose highest life is with the +dead. They live in another world. We can see in their eyes that their +hearts are not here. It is as if they already saw the land that is +very far off. It is only far off to our gross insensate senses. + +The spiritual world is not outside this earth of ours. It includes it +and pervades it, finding a new centre for a new circumference in every +loving soul that has eyes to see the Kingdom. So, to hold commerce +with the dead is not a mere figure of speech. Heaven lies about us not +only in our infancy, but all our lives. We blind ourselves with dust, +and in our blindness lay hold feverishly of the outside of life, +mistaking the fugitive and evanescent for the truly permanent. If we +only used our capacities we would take a more enlightened view of +death. We would see it to be the entrance into a more radiant and a +more abundant life not only for the friend that goes first, but for the +other left behind. + +Spiritual communion cannot possibly be interrupted by a physical +change. It is because there is so little of the spiritual in our +ordinary intercourse that death means silence and an end to communion. +There is a picture of death, which, when looked at with the ordinary +perspective, seems to be a hideous skull, but when seen near at hand is +composed of flowers, with the eyes, in the seemingly empty sockets of +the skull, formed by two fair faces of children. Death at a distance +looks horrible, the ghastly spectre of the race; but with the near +vision it is beautiful with youth and flowers, and when we look into +its eyes we look into the stirrings of life. + +Love is the only permanent relationship among men, and the permanence +is not an accident of it, but is of its very essence. When released +from the mere magnetism of sense, instead of ceasing to exist, it only +then truly comes into its largest life. If our life were more a life +in the spirit, we would be sure that death can be at the worst but the +eclipse of friendship. Tennyson felt this truth in his own experience, +and expressed it in noble form again and again in _In Memoriam_-- + + Sweet human hand and lips and eye, + Dear heavenly friend that canst not die; + + Strange friend, past, present, and to be; + Loved deeplier, darklier understood; + Behold I dream a dream of good, + And mingle all the world with thee. + + Thy voice is on the rolling air; + I hear thee where the waters run; + Thou standest in the rising sun, + And in the setting thou art fair. + +It is not loss, but momentary eclipse, and the final issue is a clearer +perception of immortal love, and a deeper consciousness of eternal life. + +The attitude of mind, therefore, in any such bereavement--sore as the +first stroke must be, since we are so much the creatures of habit, and +it is hard to adjust ourselves to the new relationship--cannot be an +attitude merely of resignation. That was the extent to which the +imperfect revelation of the Old Testament brought men. They had to +rest in their knowledge of God's faithfulness and goodness. The limit +of their faith was, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away." But +to resignation we can add joy. "Not dead, but sleepeth," said the +Master of death and life to a sorrowing man. + +For one thing it must mean the hallowing of memory. The eclipse of +love makes the love fairer when the eclipse passes. The loss of the +outward purifies the affection and softens the heart. It brings out +into fact what was often only latent in feeling. Memory adds a tender +glory to the past. We only think of the virtues of the dead: we forget +their faults. This is as it should be. We rightly love the immortal +part of them; the fire has burned up the dross and left pure gold. If +it is idealization, it represents that which will be, and that which +really is. + +We do not ask to forget; we do not want the so-called consolations +which time brings. Such an insult to the past, as forgetfulness would +be, means that we have not risen to the possibilities of communion of +spirit afforded us in the present. We would rather that the wound +should be ever fresh than that the image of the dear past should fade. +It would be a loss to our best life if it would fade. There is no +sting in such a faith. Such remembrance as this, which keeps the heart +green, will not cumber the life. True sentiment does not weaken, but +becomes an inspiration to make our life worthy of our love. It can +save even a squalid lot from sordidness; for however poor we may be in +the world's goods, we are rich in happy associations in the past, and +in sweet communion in the present, and in blessed hope for the future. + + + + +The Wreck of Friendship + + + They parted--ne'er to meet again! + But never either found another + To free the hollow heart from paining-- + They stood aloof, the scars remaining, + Like cliffs which had been rent asunder, + A dreary sea now rolls between; + But neither heat, nor frost, nor thunder, + Shall wholly do away, I ween, + The marks of that which once hath been. + + COLERIDGE, Christabel. + + + +The Wreck of Friendship + +The eclipse of friendship through death is not nearly so sad as the +many ways in which friendship may be wrecked. There are worse losses +than the losses of death; and to bury a friendship is a keener grief +than to bury a friend. The latter softens the heart and sweetens the +life, while the former hardens and embitters. The Persian poet Hafiz +says, "Thou learnest no secret until thou knowest friendship; since to +the unloving no heavenly knowledge enters." But so imperfect are our +human relationships, that many a man has felt that he has bought his +knowledge too dearly. Few of us go through the world without some +scars on the heart, which even yet throb if the finger of memory touch +them. In spite of all that has been said, and may be said in praise of +this golden friendship, it has been too often found how vain is the +help of man. The deepest tragedies of life have been the failure of +this very relationship. + +In one way or other the loss of friendship comes to all. The shores of +life are strewn with wrecks. The convoy which left the harbor gaily in +the sunshine cannot all expect to arrive together in the haven. There +are the danger of storms and collisions, the separation of the night, +and even at the best, if accidents never occur, the whole company +cannot all keep up with the speed of the swiftest. + +There is a certain pathos in all loss, but there is not always pain in +it, or at least it is of varied quality and extent. Some losses are +natural and unavoidable, quite beyond our control, the result of +resistless change. Some loss is even the necessary accompaniment of +gain. The loss of youth with all its possessions is the gain of +manhood and womanhood. A man must put away childish things, the speech +and understanding and thought of a child. So the loss of some +friendship comes as a part of the natural course of things, and is +accepted without mutilating the life. + +Many of our connections with people are admittedly casual and +temporary. They exist for mutual convenience through common interest +at the time, or common purpose, or common business. None of the +partners asks for more than the advantage each derives from the +connection. When it comes to an end, we let slip the cable easily, and +say good-bye with a cheery wave. With many people we meet and part in +all friendliness and good feeling, and will be glad to meet again, but +the parting does not tear our affections by the roots. When the +business is transacted the tie is loosed, and we each go our separate +ways without much regret. + +At other times there is no thought of gain, except the mutual advantage +of conversation or companionship. We are pleasant to each other, and +enjoy the intercourse of kindred tastes. Most of us have some pleasant +recollections of happy meetings with interesting people, perhaps on +holiday times, when we felt we would be glad to see them again if +fortune turned round the wheel again to the same place; but, though +hardly ever did it come about that an opportunity of meeting has +occurred, we do not feel that our life is much the poorer for the loss. + +Also, we _grow_ out of some of our friendships. This is to be +expected, since so many of them are formed thoughtlessly, or before we +really knew either ourselves or our friends. They never meant very +much to us. Most boyish friendships as a rule do not last long, +because they are not based on the qualities which wear well. Schoolboy +comradeships are usually due to propinquity rather than to character. +They are the fruit of accident rather than of affinity of soul. Boys +grow out of these as they grow out of their clothes. Now and again +they suffer from growing pains, but it is more discomfort than anything +else. + +It is sad to look back and realize how few of one's early +companionships remain, but it is not possible to blame either party for +the loss. Distance, separation of interest, difference of work, all +operate to divide. When athletics seemed the end of existence, +friendship was based on football and baseball. But as life opens out, +other standards are set up, and a new principle of selection takes its +place. When the world is seen to be more than a ball-ground, when it +is recognized to be a stage oh which men play many parts, a new sort of +intimacy is demanded, and it does not follow that it will be with the +same persons. Such loss as this is the condition which accompanies the +gain of growth. + +There is more chance for the permanence of friendships formed a little +later. It must not be too long after this period, however; for, when +the generous time of youth has wholly passed, it becomes hard to make +new connections. Men get over-burdened with cares and personal +concerns, and grow cautious about making advances. In youth the heart +is responsive and ready to be generous, and the hand aches for the +grasp of a comrade's hand, and the mind demands fellowship in the great +thoughts that are beginning to dawn upon it. The closest friendships +are formed early in life, just because then we are less cautious, more +open to impressions, and readier to welcome self-revelations. After +middle life a man does not find it easy to give himself away, and keeps +a firmer hand on his feelings. Whatever are the faults of youth, it is +unworldly in its estimates as a rule, and uncalculating in its thoughts +of the future. + +The danger to such friendship is the danger of just letting it lapse. +As life spreads out before the eager feet, new interests crop up, new +relations are formed, and the old tie gets worn away, from want of +adding fresh strands to it. We may believe the advice about not +forsaking an old friend because the new is not comparable to him, but +we can neglect it by merely letting things slip past, which if used +would be a new bond of union. + +As it is easier for some temperaments to make friends, it is easier for +some dispositions to keep them. Little faults of manner, little +occasions of thoughtlessness, or lack of the little courtesies, do more +to separate people than glaring mistakes. There are some men so built +that it is difficult to remain on very close terms with them, there are +so many corners to knock against. Even strength of character, if +unmodified by sweetness of disposition, adds to the difficulty of +pulling together. Strong will can so easily develop into self-will; +decision can become dogmatism; wit, the salt of conversation, loses its +savor when it becomes ill-natured; a faculty for argument is in danger +of being mere quarrelsomeness. + +The ordinary amenities of life must be preserved among friends. We can +never feel very safe with the man whose humor tends to bitter speaking +or keen sarcasm, or with the man who flares up into hasty speech at +every or no provocation, or with the man who is argumentative and +assertive,-- + + Who 'd rather on a gibbet dangle + Than miss his dear delight to wrangle. + +There are more breaches of the peace among friends through sins of +speech, than from any other cause. We do not treat our friends with +enough respect. We make the vulgar mistake of looking upon the common +as if it were therefore cheap in nature. We ought rather to treat our +friend with a sort of sacred familiarity, as if we appreciated the +precious gift his friendship is. + +Every change in a man's life brings a risk of letting go something of +the past, which it is a loss to part with. A change of work, or a +change of residence, or entrance into a larger sphere, brings a certain +engrossment which leads to neglect of the richest intercourse in the +past life. To many a man, even marriage has had a drop of bitterness +in it, because it has somehow meant the severing of old and sacred +links. This may be due to the vulgar reason of wives' quarrels, the +result of petty jealousy; but it may be due also to pre-occupation and +a subtle form of selfishness. The fire needs to be kept alive with +fuel. To preserve it, there must be forethought, and care, and love +expended as before. + +Friendship may lapse through the _misfortune of distance_. Absence +does not always make the heart grow fonder. It only does so, when the +heart is securely fixed, and when it is a heart worth fixing. More +often the other proverb is truer, that it is out of sight out of mind. +It is so easy for a man to become self-centred, and to impoverish his +affections through sheer neglect. Ties once close get frayed and +strained till they break, and we discover that we have said farewell to +the past. Some kind of intercourse is needed to maintain friendship. +There is a pathos about this gradual drifting away of lives, borne from +each other, it sometimes seems, by opposing tides, as if a resistless +power separated them, + + And bade betwixt their souls to be + The unplumbed, salt, estranging sea. + + +Or friendship may lapse through the _fault of silence_. The misfortune +of distance may be overcome by love, but the fault of silence crushes +out feeling as the falling rain kills the kindling beacon. Even the +estrangements and misunderstandings which will arise to all could not +long remain, where there is a frank and candid interchange of thought. +Hearts grow cold toward each other through neglect. There is a +suggestive word from the old Scandinavian _Edda_, "Go often to the +house of thy friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path." It is +hard to overcome again the alienation caused by neglect; for there +grows up a sense of resentment and injured feeling. + +Among the petty things which wreck friendships, none is so common and +so unworthy as money. It is pitiable that it should be so. Thackeray +speaks of the remarkable way in which a five-pound note will break up a +half-century's attachment between two brethren, and it is a common +cynical remark of the world that the way to lose a friend is to lend +him money. There is nothing which seems to affect the mind more, and +color the very heart's blood, than money. There seems a curse in it +sometimes, so potent is it for mischief. Poverty, if it be too +oppressive grinding down the face, may often hurt the heart-life; but +perhaps oftener still it only reveals what true treasures there are in +the wealth of the affections. Whereas, we know what heartburnings, and +rivalries, and envyings, are occasioned by this golden apple of +discord. Most of the disputes which separate brethren are about the +dividing of the inheritance, and it does seem to be the case that few +friendships can survive the test of money. + + Neither a borrower, nor a lender be; + For loan oft loses both itself and friend. + +There must be something wrong with the friendship which so breaks down. +It ought to be able to stand a severer strain than that. But the inner +reason of the failure is often that there has been a moral degeneracy +going on, and a weakening of the fibre of character on one side, or on +both sides. The particular dispute, whether it be about money or about +anything else, is only the occasion which reveals the slackening of the +morale. The innate delicacy and self-respect of the friend who asks +the favor may have been damaged through a series of similar +importunities, or there may have been a growing hardness of heart and +selfishness in the friend who refuses the request. Otherwise, if two +are on terms of communion, it is hard to see why the giving or +receiving of this service should be any more unworthy than any other +help, which friends can grant to each other. True commerce of the +heart should make all other needful commerce possible. Communion +includes communism. To have things in common does not seem difficult, +when there is love in common. + +Friendship has also been wrecked by outside means, by the evil of +others, through the evil speaking, or the envy, or the whispering +tongues that delight in scandal. Some mean natures rejoice in sowing +discord, carrying tales with just the slightest turn of a phrase, or +even a tone of the voice, which gives a sinister reading to an innocent +word or act. Frankness can always prevent such from permanently +wrecking friendship. Besides, we should judge no man, still less a +trusted friend, by a report of an incident or a hasty word. We should +judge our friend by his record, by what we know of his character. When +anything inconsistent with that character comes before our notice, it +is only justice to him to at least suspend judgment, and it would be +wisdom to refuse to credit it at all. + +We sometimes wonder to find a friend cold and distant to us, and +perhaps we moralize on the fickleness and inconstancy of men, but the +reason may be to seek in ourselves. We cannot expect the pleasure of +friendship without the duty, the privilege without the responsibility. +We cannot break off the threads of the web, and then, when the mood is +on us, continue it as though nothing had happened. If such a breakage +has occurred, we must go back and patiently join the threads together +again. Thoughtlessness has done more harm in this respect than +ill-will. If we have lost a friend through selfish neglect, the loss +is ours, and we cannot expect to take up the story where we left off +years ago. There is a serene impudence about the treatment some mete +out to their friends, dropping them whenever it suits, and thinking to +take them up when it happens once more to suit. We cannot expect to +walk with another, when we have gone for miles along another way. We +will have to go back, and catch him up again. If the fault has been +ours, desire and shame will give our feet wings. + +The real source of separation is ultimately a spiritual one. We cannot +walk with another unless we are agreed. The lapse of friendship is +often due to this, that one has let the other travel on alone. If one +has sought pleasure, and the other has sought truth; if one has +cumbered his life with the trivial and the petty, and the other has +filled his with high thoughts and noble aspirations; if their hearts +are on different levels, it is natural that they should now be apart. +We cannot stay behind with the camp-followers, and at the same time +fight in the van with the heroes. If we would keep our best friends, +we must go with them in sympathy, and be able to share their thoughts. +In the letters of Dean Stanley, there is one from Jowett to Stanley, +which brings out this necessity. "I earnestly hope that the +friendship, which commenced between us many years ago, may be a +blessing to last us through life. I feel that if it is to be so we +must both go onward, otherwise the tear and wear of life, and the +'having travelled over each other's minds,' and a thousand accidents +will be sufficient to break it off. I have often felt the inability to +converse with you, but never for an instant the least alienation. +There is no one who would not think me happy in having such a friend." + +It is not, however, so much the equal pace of the mind which is +necessary, as the equal pace of the spirit. We may think about a very +brilliant friend that he will outstrip us, and outgrow us. The fear is +natural, but if there be spiritual oneness it is an unfounded fear. + + Yet oft, when sundown skirts the moor, + An inner trouble I behold, + A spectral doubt which makes me cold, + That I should be thy mate no more. + +But love is not dependent on intellect. The great bond of union is not +that both parties are alike in mind, but that they are akin in soul. +Mere intellect only divides men further than the ordinary natural and +artificial distinctions that already exist. There are endless +instances of this disuniting influence to be seen, in the contempt of +learning for ignorance, the derisive attitude which knowledge assumes +toward simplicity, the metropolitan disdain for provincial Galilee, the +_rabies theologica_ which is ever ready to declare that this people +that knoweth not the law is accursed. It is love, not logic, which can +unite men. Love is the one solvent to break down all barriers, and +love has other grounds for its existence than merely intellectual ones. +So that although similarity of taste is another bond and is perhaps +necessary for the perfect friendship, it is not its foundation; and if +the foundation be not undermined, there is no reason why difference of +mental power should wreck the structure. + +However it happen that friends are separated, it is always sad; for the +loss of a friendship is the loss of an ideal. Sadder than the pathos +of unmated hearts is the pathos of severed souls. It is always a pain +to find a friend look on us with cold stranger's eyes, and to know +ourselves dead of hopes of future intimacy. It is a pain even when we +have nothing to blame ourselves with, much more so when we feel that +ours is the fault. It would not seem to matter very much, if it were +not such a loss to both; for friendship is one of the appointed means +of saving the life from worldliness and selfishness. It is the +greatest education in the world; for it is education of the whole man, +of the affections as well as the intellect. Nothing of worldly success +can make up for the want of it. And true friendship is also a moral +preservative. It teaches something of the joy of service, and the +beauty of sacrifice. We cannot live an utterly useless life, if we +have to think for, and act for, another. It keeps love in the heart, +and keeps God in the life. + +The greatest and most irretrievable wreck of friendship is the result +of a moral breakdown in one of the associates. Worse than the +separation of the grave is the desolation of the heart by +faithlessness. More impassable than the gulf of distance with the +estranging sea, more separating than the gulf of death, is the great +gulf fixed between souls through deceit and shame. It is as the sin of +Judas. Said a sorrowful Psalmist, who had known this experience, "Mine +own familiar friend in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath +lifted up his heel against me." And another Psalmist sobs out the same +lament, "It was not an enemy that reproached me, then I could have +borne it, but it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide and mine +acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked into the +house of God in company." The loss of a friend by any of the common +means is not so hard, as to find a friend faithless. The trustful soul +has often been disillusioned thus. The rod has broken in the hand that +leaned on it, and has left its red wound on the palm. There is a +deeper wound on the heart. + +The result of such a breakdown of comradeship is often bitterness, and +cynical distrust of man. It is this experience which gives point to +the worldling's sneer, Defend me from my friends, I can defend myself +from my enemies. We cannot wonder sometimes at the cynicism. It is +like treason within the camp, against which no man can guard. It is a +stab in the back, a cowardly assassination of the heart. Treachery +like this usually means a sudden fall from the ideal for the deceived +one, and the ideal can only be recovered, if at all, by a slow and +toilsome ascent, foot by foot and step by step. + +Failure of one often leads to distrust of all. This is the terrible +responsibility of friendship. We have more than the happiness of our +friend in our power; we, have his faith. Most men who are cynical +about women are so, because of the inconstancy of one. Most sneers at +friendship are, to begin with at least, the expression of individual +pain, because the man has known the shock of the lifted heel. Distrust +works havoc on the character; for it ends in unbelief of goodness +itself. And distrust always meets with its own likeness, and is paid +back in its own coin. Suspicion breeds suspicion, and the conduct of +life on such principles becomes a tug-of-war in which Greek is matched +with Greek. + +The social virtues, which keep the whole community together, are thus +closely allied to the supreme virtue of friendship. Aristotle had +reason in making it the _nexus_ between his Ethics and his Politics. +Truth, good faith, honest dealing between man and man, are necessary +for any kind of intercourse, even that of business. Men can do nothing +with each other, if they have not a certain minimum of trust. There +have been times when there seems to be almost an epidemic of +faithlessness, when the social bond seems loosened, when men's hands +are raised against each other, when confidence is paralyzed, and people +hardly know whom to trust. + +The prophet Micah, who lived in such a time, expresses this state of +distrust: "Trust ye not any friend, put ye no confidence in a familiar +friend. A man's enemies are of his own household." This means +anarchy, and society becomes like a bundle of sticks with the cord cut. +The cause is always a decay of religion; for law is based on morality, +and morality finds its strongest sanction in religion. Selfishness +results in anarchy, a reversion to the Ishmaelite type of life. + +The story of the French Revolution has in it some of the darkest pages +in the history of modern civilization, due to the breakdown of social +trust. The Revolution, like Saturn, took to devouring her own +children. Suspicion, during the reign of terror, brooded over the +heads of men, and oppressed their hearts. The ties of blood and +fellowship seemed broken, and the sad words of Christ had their horrid +fulfilment, that the brother would deliver up the brother to death, and +the father the child, and the children rise up against the parents and +cause them to be put to death. There are some awful possibilities in +human nature. In Paris of these days a man had to be ever on his +guard, to watch his acts, his words, even his looks. It meant for a +time a collapse of the whole idea of the state. It was a panic, worse +than avowed civil war. Friendship, of course, could have little place +in such a frightful palsy of mutual confidence, though there were, for +the honor of the race, some noble exceptions. The wreck of friendship +through deceit is always a step toward social anarchy; for it helps to +break down trust and good faith among men. + +The wreck of friendship is also a blow to religion. Many have lost +their faith in God, because they have lost, through faithlessness, +their faith in man. Doubt of the reality of love becomes doubt of the +reality of the spiritual life. To be unable to see the divine in man, +is to have the eyes blinded to the divine anywhere. Deception in the +sphere of love shakes the foundation of religion. Its result is +atheism, not perhaps as a conscious speculative system of thought, but +as a subtle practical influence on conduct. It corrupts the fountain +of life, and taints the whole stream. Despair of love, if final and +complete, would be despair of God; for God is love. Thus, the wreck of +friendship often means a temporary wreck of faith. It ought not to be +so; but that there is a danger of it should impress us with a deeper +sense of the responsibility attached to our friendships. Our life +follows the fortunes of our love. + + + + +The Renewing of Friendship + + +Perhaps we may go further, and say that friends, whose friendship has +been broken off, should not entirely forget their former intercourse; +and that just as we hold that we ought to serve friends before +strangers, so former friends have some claims upon us on the ground of +past friendship, unless extraordinary depravity were the cause of our +parting.--ARISTOTLE. + + + +The Renewing of Friendship + +It is a sentiment of the poets and romancers that love is rather helped +by quarrels. There must be some truth in it, as we find the idea +expressed a hundred times in different forms in literature. We find it +among the wisdom of the ancients, and it remains still as one of the +conventional properties of the dramatist, and one of the accepted +traditions of the novelist. It is expressed in maxim and apothegm, in +play and poem. One of our old pre-Elizabethan writers has put it in +classic form in English:-- + + The falling out of faithful friends is the renewing of love. + + +It is the chief stock-in-trade of the writer of fiction, to depict the +misunderstandings which arise between two persons, through the sin of +one, or the folly of both, or the villainy of a third; then comes the +means by which the tangled skein is unravelled, and in the end +everything is satisfactorily explained, and the sorely-tried characters +are ushered into a happiness stronger and sweeter than ever before. +Friends quarrel, and are miserable in their state of separation; and +afterward, when the friendship is renewed, it is discovered that the +bitter dispute was only a blessing in disguise, as the renewal itself +was an exquisite pleasure, and the result has been a firmer and more +stable relationship of love and trust. + +The truth in this sentiment is, of course, the evident one, that a man +often only wakens to the value of a possession when he is in danger of +losing it. The force of a current is sometimes only noted when it is +opposed by an obstacle. Two persons may discover, by a temporary +alienation, how much they really care for each other. It may be that +previously they took things for granted. Their affection had lost its +first glitter, and was accepted as a commonplace. Through some +misunderstanding or dispute, they broke off their friendly +relationship, feeling sure that they had come to an end of their +regard. They could never again be on the same close terms; hot words +had been spoken; taunts and reproaches had passed; eyes had flashed +fire, and they parted in anger--only to learn that their love for each +other was as real and as strong as ever. The very difference revealed +the true union of hearts that had existed. They had been blind to the +strength of their mutual regard, till it was so painfully brought to +their notice. The love is renewed with a more tender sense of its +sacredness, and a more profound feeling of its strength. The +dissensions only displayed the union; the discord drove them to a +fuller harmony. This is a natural and common experience. + +But a mistake may easily be made by confusing cause and effect. "The +course of true love never did run smooth"--but the obstacles in the +channel do not _produce_ the swiftness and the volume of the stream; +they only _show_ them. There may be an unsuspected depth and force for +the first time brought to light when the stream strikes a barrier, but +the barrier is merely the occasion, not the cause, of the revelation. +To mistake the one for the other, may lead to a false and stupid +policy. Many, through this mistake, act as though dissension were of +the very nature of affection, and as if the one must necessarily react +on the other for good. Some foolish people will sometimes even produce +disagreement for the supposed pleasure of agreeing once more, and +quarrel for the sake of making it up again. + +Rather, the end of love is near at hand, when wrangling can live in its +presence. It is not true that love is helped by quarrels, except in +the small sense already indicated. A man may quarrel once too often +with his friend, and a brother offended, says the proverb, is harder to +be won than a strong city, and such contentions are like the bars of a +castle. It is always a dangerous experiment to wilfully test +affection, besides being often a cruel one. Disputing is a shock to +confidence, and without confidence friendship cannot continue. A state +of feud, even though a temporary one, often embitters the life, and +leaves its mark on the heart. Desolated homes and lonely lives are +witnesses of the folly of any such policy. From the root of bitterness +there cannot possibly blossom any of the fair flowers of love. The +surface truth of the poets' sentiment we have acknowledged and +accounted for, but it is only a surface truth. The best of friends +will fall out, and the best of them will renew their friendship, but it +is always at a great risk, and sometimes it strains the foundations of +their esteem for each other to shaking: + + And blessings on the falling out + That all the more endears, + When we fall out with those we love + And kiss again with tears! + +But in any serious rupture of friendship it can only be a blessing when +it means the tears of repentance, and these are often tears of blood. +In all renewing there must be an element of repentance, and however +great the joy of having regained the old footing, there is the memory +of pain, and the presence of regret. To cultivate contention as an +art, and to trade upon the supposed benefit of renewing friendship, is +a folly which brings its own retribution. + +The disputatious person for this reason never makes a good friend. In +friendship men look for peace, and concord, and some measure of +content. There are enough battles to fight outside, enough jarring and +jostling in the street, enough disputing in the market-place, enough +discord in the workaday world, without having to look for contention in +the realm of the inner life also. There, if anywhere, we ask for an +end of strife. Friendship is the sanctuary of the heart, and the peace +of the sanctuary should brood over it. Its chiefest glory is that the +dust and noise of contest are excluded. + +It must needs be that offences come. It is not only that the world is +full of conflict and controversy, and every man must take his share in +the fights of his time. We are born into the battle; we are born for +the battle. But apart from the outside strife, from which we cannot +separate ourselves, and do not desire to separate ourselves if we are +true men, the strange thing is that it looks as if it must needs be +that offences come even among brethren. The bitterest disputes in life +are among those who are nearest each other in spirit. We do not +quarrel with the man in the street, the man with whom we have little or +no communication. He has not the chance, nor the power, to chafe our +soul, and ruffle our temper. If need be, we can afford to despise, or +at least to neglect him. It is the man of our own household, near us +in life and spirit, who runs the risk of the only serious dissensions +with us. The man with whom we have most points of contact presents the +greatest number of places where difference can occur. Only from +circles that touch each other can a tangent strike off from the same +point. A man can only make enemies among his friends. A certain +amount of opposition and enmity a man must be prepared for in this +world, unless he live a very invertebrate life. Outside opposition +cannot embitter, for it cannot touch the soul. But that two who have +walked as friends, one in aim and one in heart, perhaps of the same +household of faith, should stand face to face with hard brows and +gleaming eyes, should speak as foes and not as lovers of the same love, +is, in spite of the poets and romancers, the bitterest moment of life. + +There are some we cannot hurt even if we would; whom all the venom of +our nature could not touch, because we mean nothing to them. But there +are others in our power, whom we can stab with a word, and these are +our brethren, our familiar friends, our comrades at work, our close +associates, our fellow laborers in God's vineyard. It is not the crowd +that idly jostle us in the street who can hurt us to the quick, but a +familiar friend in whom we trusted. He has a means of ingress barred +to strangers, and can strike home as no other can. This explains why +family quarrels, ruptures in the inner circle, Church disputes, are so +bitter. They come so near us. An offended brother is hard to win, +because the very closeness of the previous intimacy brings a rankling +sense of injustice and the resentment of injured love. An injury from +the hand of a friend seems such a wanton thing; and the heart hardens +itself with the sense of wrong, and a separation ensues like the bars +of a castle. + +It must needs be that offences come, but woe unto him by whom they +come. The strife-makers find in themselves, in their barren heart and +empty life, their own appropriate curse. The blow they strike comes +back upon themselves. Worse than the choleric temperament is the +peevish, sullen nature. The one usually finds a speedy repentance for +his hot and hasty mood; the other is a constant menace to friendship, +and acts like a perpetual irritant. Its root is selfishness, and it +grows by what it feeds on. + +When offences do come, we may indeed use them as opportunities for +growth in gracious ways, and thus turn them into blessings on the lives +of both. To the offended it may be an occasion for patience and +forgiveness; to the offender, an occasion for humility and frank +confession; and to both, a renewing of love less open to offence in the +future. There are some general counsels about the making up of +differences, though each case needs special treatment for itself, which +will easily be found if once the desire for concord be established. +Christ's recipe for a quarrel among brethren is: "If thy brother shall +trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him +alone; if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother." + +Much of our dissension is due to misunderstanding, which could be put +right by a few honest words and a little open dealing. Human beings so +often live at cross purposes with each other, when a frank word, or a +simple confession of wrong, almost a look or a gesture, would heal the +division. Resentment grows through brooding over a fancied slight. +Hearts harden themselves in silence, and, as time goes on, it becomes +more difficult to break through the silence. Often there are strained +relations among men, who, at the bottom of their hearts, have sincere +respect for each other, and smouldering affection also, which only +needs a little coaxing of the spark to burst out again into a dancing +flame. There is a terrible waste of human friendship, a waste of power +which might be used to bless all our lives, through our sinful +separations, our selfish exclusiveness, our resentful pride. We let +the sweetest souls we have met die without acknowledging our debt to +them. We stand aside in haughty isolation, till the open grave opens +our sealed hearts--too late. We let the chance of reconciliation pass +till it is irrevocable. Most can remember a tender spot in the past +somewhere, a sore place, a time when discord entered with another they +loved, and + + Each spake words of high disdain + And insult to his heart's best brother. + +And in some cases, as with the friends in Coleridge's great poem, the +parting has been eternal, and neither has ever since found another such +friend to fill the life with comfort, and free the hollow heart from +paining. + +There is more evil from such a state of discord than the mere loss it +is to both; it influences the whole heart-life, creating sometimes +bitterness, sometimes universal suspicion, sometimes cynicism. Hatred +is contagious, as love is. They have an effect on the whole character, +and are not confined to the single incident which causes the love or +the hate. To hate a single one of God's creatures is to harden the +heart to some extent against all. Love is the centre of a circle, +which broadens out in ever-widening circumference. Dante tells us in +_La Vita Nuova_ that the effect of his love for Beatrice was to open +his heart to all, and to sweeten all his life. He speaks of the +surpassing virtue of her very salutation to him in the street. "When +she appeared in any place, it seemed to me, by the hope of her +excellent salutation, that there was no man mine enemy any longer; and +such warmth of charity came upon me that most certainly in that moment +I would have pardoned whomsoever had done me an injury; and if any one +should then have questioned me concerning any matter, I could only have +said unto him 'Love,' with a countenance clothed in humbleness." His +love bred sweetness in his mind, and took in everything within the +blessed sweep of its range. Hatred also is the centre of a circle, +which has a baneful effect on the whole life. We cannot have +bitterness or resentment in our mind without its coloring every thought +and affection. Hate of one will affect our attitude toward all. + +If, then, we possess the spirit to be reconciled with an offended or an +offending brother, there are some things which may be said about the +tactics of renewing the broken tie. There is needed a certain tactful +considerateness. In all such questions the grace of the act depends as +much on the _manner_ of it, as on the act itself. The grace of the +fairest act may be hurt by a boorish blemish of manner. Many a +graceful act is spoiled by a graceless touch, as a generous deed can be +ruined by a grudging manner. An air of condescension will destroy the +value of the finest charity. There is a forgiveness which is no +forgiveness--formal, constrained, from the teeth and lips outward. It +does not come as the warm breath which has had contact with the blood +of the heart. The highest forgiveness is so full and free, that it is +forgetfulness. It is complete as the forgiveness of God. + +If there is something in the method of the approach, there is perhaps +more in the time of it. It ought to be chosen carefully and +considerately; for it may be that the other has not been prepared for +the renewal by thought and feeling, as the man who makes the advances +has been. No hard and fast rule can be formulated when dealing with +such a complex and varied subject as man. So much depends on temper +and character. One man taken by surprise reveals his true feeling; +another, when taken off his guard, is irritated, and shuts up his heart +in a sort of instinctive self-defence. The thoughtfulness of love will +suggest the appropriate means, but some emphasis may rightly be given +to the phrase in Christ's counsel, "between thee and him alone." Let +there be an opportunity for a frank and private conversation. To +appeal to an estranged friend before witnesses induces to special +pleading, making the witnesses the jury, asking for a verdict on either +side; and the result is that both are still convinced they have right +on their side, and that they have been wronged. + +If the fault of the estrangement lies with us, the burden of confession +should rest upon us also. To go to him with sincere penitence is no +more than our duty. Whether the result be successful or not, it will +mean a blessing for our own soul. Humility brings its own reward; for +it brings God into the life. Even if we have cause to suspect that the +offended brother will not receive us kindly, still such reparation as +we can make is at least the gate to reconciliation. It may be too +late, but confession will lighten the burden on our own heart. Our +brother may be so offended that he is harder to be won than a strong +city, but he is far more worth winning; and even if the effort be +unsuccessful, it is better than the cowardice which suffers a bloodless +defeat. + +If, on the other hand, the fault was not ours, our duty is still clear. +It should be even easier to take the initiative in such a case; for +after all it is much easier to forgive than to submit to be forgiven. +To some natures it is hard to be laid under an obligation, and the +generosity of love must be shown by the offended brother. He must show +the other his fault gently and generously, not parading his forgiveness +like a virtue, but as if the favor were on his side--as it is. Christ +made forgiveness the test of spirituality. If we do not know the grace +of forgiveness, we do not know how gracious life may be. The highest +happiness is not a matter of possessions and material gains, but has +its source in a heart at peace; and thus it is that the renewing of +friendship has a spiritual result. If we are revengeful, censorious, +judging others harshly, always putting the worst construction on a word +or an act, uncharitable, unforgiving, we certainly cannot claim kinship +with the spirit of the Lord Jesus. St. Paul made the opposite the very +test of the spiritual man: "Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, +ye which are spiritual restore such an one in the spirit of meekness." + +If we knew all, we would forgive all. If we knew all the facts, the +things which produced the petulance, the soreness which caused the +irritation, we would be ready to pardon; for we would understand the +temptation. If we knew all, our hearts would be full of pitiful love +even for those who have wronged us. They have wronged themselves more +than they can possibly wrong us; they have wounded a man to their own +hurt. To think kindly once more of a separated friend, to soften the +heart toward an offending brother, will bring the blessing of the +Peace-maker, the blessing of the Reconciler. The way to be sure of +acting this part is to pray for him. We cannot remain angry with +another, when we pray for him. Offence departs, when prayer comes. +The captivity of Job was turned, when he prayed for his friends. + +If we stubbornly refuse the renewing of friendship, it is an offence +against religion also. Only love can fulfil the law of Christ. His is +the Gospel of reconciliation, and the greater reconciliation includes +the lesser. The friends of Christ must be friends of one another. +That ought to be accepted as an axiom. To be reconciled to God carries +with it at least a disposition of heart, which makes it easy to be +reconciled to men also. We have cause to suspect our religion, if it +does not make us gentle, and forbearing, and forgiving; if the love of +our Lord does not so flood our hearts as to cleanse them of all +bitterness, and spite, and wrath. If a man is nursing anger, if he is +letting his mind become a nest of foul passions, malice, and hatred, +and evil wishing, how dwelleth the love of God in him? + +If we cannot, at need, even humiliate ourselves to win our brother, it +is difficult to see where our religion comes in, especially when we +think what humiliation Christ suffered, that He might reconcile us to +God, and make us friends again with our heavenly Father, and renew our +broken love. Whatever be our faith and works, and however correct be +our creed and conduct, if we are giving place to anger, if we are +stiffening ourselves in strife and disdain, we are none of His, who was +meek and lowly of heart. We may come to the Sanctuary with lips full +of praises and eyes full of prayers, with devotion in our hearts and +gifts in our hand, but God will spurn our worship and despise our +gifts. It is not a small matter, this renewing of friendship, but is +the root of religion itself, and is well made the very test of +spiritual-mindedness. "If thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there +rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee, leave there thy +gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy +brother, and then come and offer thy gift." Misunderstandings and +estrangements will arise, occasions will come when it seems as if not +even love and forbearance can avoid a quarrel, but surely Christ has +died in vain if His grace cannot save us from the continuance of strife. + +Such renewing of love, done with this high motive, will indeed bring an +added joy, as the poets have declared. The very pain will give zest to +the pleasure. We will take the great gift of friendship with a new +sense of its beauty and sacredness. We will walk more softly because +of the experience, and more than ever will tremble lest we lose it. +For days after the reconciliation, we will go about with the feeling +that the benediction of the peace-makers rests on our head and clings +round our feet. + +But more than any personal joy from the renewed friendship, we will +have the smile of God on our life. We will know that we have done what +is well pleasing in His sight. Sweeter than the peace which comes from +being at one with men, is the peace which comes from being at one with +God. It settles on the soul like the mist on the mountains, enveloping +and enswathing it. It comes to our fevered life as a great calm. Over +the broken waters there hovers the golden glory of God's eternal peace. + +And more even than all that, we will have gained a new insight into the +love of the Father, and into the sacrifice of the Son. We will +understand a little more of the mystery of the Love which became poor, +which gladly went into the wilderness to seek and to save the lost. +The cross will gain new and rich significance to us, and all the world +will be an arena in which is enacted the spectacle of God's great love. +The world is bathed in the love of God, as it is flooded by the blessed +sun. If we are in the light and walk in love, our walk will be with +God, and His gentleness will make us great. There is intended an ever +fuller education in the meaning, and in the life of love, until the +assurance reaches us that nothing can separate us from love. Even +death, which sunders us from our friends, cannot permanently divide us. +In the great Home-coming and Reunion of hearts, all the veils which +obscure feeling will be torn down, and we shall know each other better, +and shall love each other better. + +But every opportunity carries a penalty; every privilege brings with it +a warning. If we will not live the life of love, if we harden our +heart against a brother offended, we will find in our need even the +great and infinite love of God shut against us, harder to be won than a +strong city, ribbed and stockaded as the bars of a castle. To the +unforgiving there is no forgiveness. To the hard, and relentless, and +loveless, there is no love. To the selfish, there is no heaven. + + + + +The Limits of Friendship + + +If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or +the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend which is as thine own soul, entice +thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, thou shalt not +consent unto him, nor hearken unto him, but thine hand shall be first +upon him to put him to death, and afterward the hand of all the people; +because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the Lord thy God. + +DEUTERONOMY. + + + Yet each will have one anguish--his own soul, + Which perishes of cold. + +MATTHEW ARNOLD. + + + +The Limits of Friendship + +Friendship, at its very best and purest, has limits. At its beginning, +it seems to have no conditions, and to be capable of endless +development. In the first flush of new-born love it seems almost an +insult to question its absolute power to meet every demand made upon +it. The exquisite joy of understanding, and being understood, is too +keen to let us believe, that there may be a terminal line, beyond which +we may not pass. Friendship comes as a mystery, formless, undefined, +without set bounds; and it is often a sore experience to discover that +it is circumscribed, and limited like everything human. At first to +speak of it as having qualifications was a profanation, and to find +them out came as a disillusionment. + +Yet the discovery is not all a loss. The limitless is also the vague, +and it is well to know the exact terms implied in a relationship. Of +course we learn through experience the restrictions on all intimacy, +and if we are wise we learn to keep well within the margin; but many a +disappointment might have been saved, if we had understood the inherent +limitations of the subject. These are the result of personality. Each +partner is after all a distinct individual, with will, and conscience, +and life apart, with a personal responsibility which none can take from +him, and with an individual bias of mind and heart which can never be +left out of account. + +As is to be expected, some of the limits of friendship are not +essential to the relation, but are due to a _defect_ in the relation, +perhaps an idiosyncrasy of character or a peculiarity of temper. Some +of the limits are self-imposed, and arise from mistake of folly. A +friend may be too exacting, and may make excessive demands, which +strain the bond to the breaking point. There is often a good deal of +selfishness in the affection, which asks for absorption, and is jealous +of other interests. Jealousy is usually the fruit, not of love, but of +self-love. Life is bigger than any relationship, and covers more +ground. The circles of life may intersect, and part of each be common +to the other, but there will be an area on both sides exclusive to +each; and even if it were possible for the circles to be concentric, it +could hardly be that the circumference of the two could be the same; +one would be, almost without a doubt, of larger radius than the other. +It is not identity which is the aim and the glory of friendship, but +unity in the midst of difference. To strive at identity is to be +certain of failure, and it deserves failure; for it is the outcome of +selfishness. A man's friend is not his property, to be claimed as his +exclusive possession. Jealousy is an ignoble vice, because it has its +roots in egotism. It also destroys affection, since it is an evidence +of want of trust, and trust is essential to friendship. + +There are physical limits to friendship, if nothing else. There are +material barriers to be surmounted, before human beings really get into +touch with each other, even in the slightest degree. The bodily +organs, through which alone we can enter into communication, carry with +them their own disabilities. The senses are at the best limited in +their range, and are ever exposed to error. Flesh stands in the way of +a complete revelation of soul. Human feet cannot enter past the +threshold of the soul's abode. The very means of self-revelation is a +self-concealment. The medium, by which alone we know, darkens, if it +does not distort, the object. Words obscure thought, by the very +process through which alone thought is possible for us; and the fleshly +wrappings of the soul hide it, at the same time that they make it +visible. + +And if there are physical limits to friendship, there are greater +mental limits. The needs of living press on us, and drive us into +different currents of action. Our varied experience colors all our +thought, and gives a special bias to our mind. There is a personal +equation which must always be taken into account. This is the charm of +intercourse, but it is also a limitation. We do not travel over the +same ground; we meet, but we also part. However great the sympathy, it +is not possible completely to enter into another man's mind, and look +at a subject with his eyes. Much of our impatience with each other, +and most of our misunderstandings, are caused by this natural +limitation. The lines along which our minds travel can at the best be +asymptotic, approaching each other indefinitely near, but never quite +coinciding. + +The greatest limit of friendship, of which these other are but +indications, is the spiritual fact of the separate personality of each +human being. This is seen most absolutely in the sphere of morals. +The ultimate standard for a man is his own individual conscience, and +neither the constraint of affection, nor the authority of numbers, can +atone for falseness there. One of the most forceful illustrations of +this final position of all religion is to be found, in the passage of +terrific intensity from the Book of Deuteronomy, which we have +transcribed as a preface to this chapter. The form of the passage of +course gets its coloring from the needs of the time and the temper of +the age. The Book of Deuteronomy is so sure that the law of God is +necessary for the life of Israel, and that departure from it will mean +national ruin, that it will shrink from nothing needed to preserve the +truth. Its warnings against being led away to idolatry are very +instant and solemn. Every precaution must be taken; nothing must be +allowed to seduce them from their allegiance, not the most sacred ties, +nor the most solemn authority. No measure of repression can be too +stern. In that fierce time it was natural that apostasy should be +thought worthy of death; for apostasy from religion meant also treason +to the nation: much more those who used their influence to seduce men +to apostasy were to be condemned. The passage is introduced by the +assertion that if even a prophet, a recognized servant of God, +attesting his prophecy with signs and wonders, should solicit them to +leave the worship of Jehovah, in spite of his sacred character, and in +spite of the seeming evidence of miracles, they must turn from him with +loathing, and his doom should be death. And if the apostasy should +have the weight of numbers and a whole city go astray, the same doom is +theirs. If the tenderest relationship should tempt the soul away, if a +brother, or son, or daughter, or wife, or friend, should entice to +apostasy, the same relentless judgment must be meted out. + +The fact that this stern treatment is advocated in this Book, which is +full of the most tender consideration for all weak things, shows the +need of the time. Deuteronomy has some of the most beautiful +legislation in favor of slaves and little children and birds and +domestic animals, some of it in advance of even our modern customs and +practices, permeated as these are by Christian sentiment. And it is in +this finely sensitive Book that we find such strong assertion of the +paramount importance of individual responsibility. + +The influence of a friend or near relative is bound to be great. We +are affected on every side, and at every moment, by the environment of +other lives. There is a spiritual affinity, which is the closest and +most powerful thing in the world, and yet in the realm of morals it has +definite limits set to it. At the best it can only go a certain +length, and ought not to be allowed to go further than its legitimate +bounds. The writer of Deuteronomy appreciated to the full the power +and attraction of the near human relationships. We see this from the +way he describes them, adding an additional touch of fondness to each, +"thy brother the son of thy mother, the wife of thy bosom, thy friend +who is as thine own soul." But it sets a limit to the place even such +tender ties should be allowed to have. The most intimate of relatives, +the most trusted of friends, must not be permitted to abrogate the +place of conscience. Affection may be perverted into an instrument of +evil. There is a higher moral law than even the law of friendship. +The demands of friendship must not be allowed to interfere with the +dictates of duty. It is not that the moral law should be blindly +obeyed, but because in obeying it we are choosing the better part for +both; for as Frederick Robertson truly says, "the man who prefers his +dearest friend to the call of duty, will soon show that he prefers +himself to his dearest friend." Such weak giving in to the supposed +higher demand of friendship is only a form of selfishness. + +Friendship is sometimes too exacting. It asks for too much, more than +we have to give, more than we ever ought to give. There is a tyranny +of love, making demands which can only be granted to the loss of both. +Such tyranny is a perversion of the nature of love, which is to serve, +not to rule. It would override conscience, and break down the will. +We cannot give up our personal duty, as we cannot give up our personal +responsibility. That is how it is possible for Christ to say that if a +man love father, or mother, or wife more than Him, he is not worthy of +Him. No human being can take the place of God to another life; it is +an acted blasphemy to attempt it. + +There is a love which is evil in its selfishness. Its very exclusive +claim is a sign of its evil root. The rights of the individual must +not be renounced, even for love's sake. Human love can ask too much, +and it asks too much when it would break down the individual will and +conscience. + + The hands that love us often are the hands + That softly close our eyes and draw us earthward. + We give them all the largesse of our life-- + Not this, not all the world, contenteth them, + Till we renounce our rights as living souls. + +We cannot renounce our rights as living souls without losing our souls. +No man can pay the debt of life for us. No man can take the burden of +life from us. To no man can we hand over the reins unreservedly. It +would be cowardice, and cowardice is sin. The first axiom of the +spiritual life is the sacredness of the individuality of each. We must +respect each other's personality. Even when we have rights over other +people, these rights are strictly limited, and carry with them a +corresponding duty to respect their rights also. The one intolerable +despotism in the world is the attempt to put a yoke on the souls of +men, and there are some forms of intimacy which approach that +despotism. To transgress the moral bounds set to friendship is to make +the highest forms of friendship impossible; for these are only reached +when free spirits meet in the unity of the spirit. + +The community of human life, of which we are learning much to-day, is a +great fact. We are all bound up in the same bundle. In a very true +sense we stand or fall together. We are ever on our trial as a +society; not only materially, but even in the highest things, morally +and spiritually. There is a social conscience, which we affect, and +which constantly affects us. We cannot rise very much above it; to +fall much below it, is for all true purposes to cease to live. We have +recognized social standards which test morality; we have common ties, +common duties, common responsibilities. + +But with it all, in spite of the fact of the community of human life, +there is the other fact of the singleness of human life. We have a +life, which we must live _alone_. We can never get past the ultimate +fact of the personal responsibility of each. We may be leaves from the +same tree of life, but no two leaves are alike. We may be wrapped up +in the same bundle, but one bundle can contain very different things. +Each of us is colored with his own shade, separate and peculiar. We +have our own special powers of intellect, our own special experience, +our own moral conscience, our own moral life to live. So, while it is +true that we stand or fall together, it is also true--and it is a +deeper truth--that we stand or fall alone. + +In this crowded world, with its intercourse and jostling, with its +network of relationships, with its mingled web of life, we are each +alone. Below the surface there is a deep, and below the deep there is +a deeper depth. In the depth of the human heart there is, and there +must be, solitude. There is a limit to the possible communion with +another. We never completely open up our nature to even our nearest +and dearest. In spite of ourselves something is kept back. Not that +we are untrue in this, and hide our inner self, but simply that we are +unable to reveal ourselves entirely. There is a bitterness of the +heart which only the heart knoweth; there is a joy of the heart with +which no stranger can intermeddle; there is a bound beyond which even a +friend who is as our own soul becomes a stranger. There is a Holy of +Holies, over the threshold of which no human feet can pass. It is safe +from trespass, guarded from intrusion, and even we cannot give to +another the magic key to open the door. In spite of all the complexity +of our social life, and the endless connections we form with others, +there is as the ultimate fact a great and almost weird solitude. We +may fill up our hearts with human fellowship in all its grades, yet +there remains to each a distinct and separated life. + +We speak vaguely of the mass of men, but the mass consists of units, +each with his own life, a thing apart. The community of human life is +being emphasized to-day, and it is a lesson which bears and needs +repetition, the lesson of our common ties and common duties. But at +the same time we dare not lose sight of the fact of the singleness of +human life, if for no other reason than that, otherwise we have no +moral appeal to make on behalf of those ties and duties. In the region +of morals, in dealing with sin, we see how true this solitude is. +There may be what we can truly call social and national sins, and men +can sin together, but in its ultimate issue sin is individual. It is a +disintegrating thing, separating a man from his fellows, and separating +him from God. We are alone with our sin, like the Ancient Mariner with +the bodies of his messmates around him, each cursing him with his eye. +In the last issue, there is nothing in the universe but God and the +single human soul. Men can share the sinning with us; no man can share +the sin. "And the sin ye do by two and two, ye must pay for one by +one." Therefore in this sphere of morals there must be limits to +friendship, even with the friend who is as our own soul. + +Friendship is a very real and close thing. It is one of the greatest +joys in life, and has noble fruits. We can do much for each other: +there are burdens we can share: we can rejoice with those who do +rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Through sympathy and love we +are able to get out of self; and yet even here there are limits. Our +helplessness in the presence of grief proves this fundamental +singleness of human life. When we stand beside a friend before the +open grave, under the cloud of a great sorrow, we learn how little we +can do for him. We can only stand speechless, and pray that the great +Comforter may come with His own divine tenderness and enter the +sanctuary of sorrow shut to feet of flesh. Mourners have indeed been +soothed by a touch, or a look, or a prayer, which had their source in a +pitiful human heart, but it is only as a message of condolence flashed +from one world to another. There is a burden which every man must +bear, and none can bear for him: for there is a personality which, even +if we would, we cannot unveil to human eyes. There are feelings sacred +to the man who feels. We have to "dree our own weird," and live our +own life, and die our own death. + +In the time of desolation, when the truth of this solitude is borne in +on us, we are left to ourselves, not because our friends are unfeeling, +but simply because they are unable. It is not their selfishness which +keeps them off, but just their frailty. Their spirit may be willing, +but the flesh is weak. It is the lesson of life, that there is no stay +in the arm of flesh, that even if there is no limit to human love, +there is a limit to human power. Sooner or later, somewhere or other, +it is the experience of every son of man, as it was the experience of +the Son of Man, "Behold the hour cometh, and now is come, that ye My +friends shall be scattered every man to his own, and shall leave Me +alone." + +Human friendship must have limits, just because it is human. It is +subject to loss, and is often to some extent the sport of occasion. It +lacks permanence: misunderstandings can estrange us: slander can +embitter us: death can bereave us. We are left very much the victims +of circumstances; for like everything earthly it is open to change and +decay. No matter how close and spiritual the intercourse, it is not +permanent, and never certain. If nothing else, the shadow of death is +always on it. Tennyson describes how he dreamed that he and his friend +should pass through the world together, loving and trusting each other, +and together pass out into the silence. + + Arrive at last the blessed goal, + And He that died in Holy Land + Would reach us out the shining hand, + And take us as a single soul. + +It was a dream at the best. Neither to live together nor to die +together could blot out the spiritual limits of friendship. Even in +the closest of human relations when two take each other for better for +worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, they may be +made one flesh, but never one soul. Singleness is the ultimate fact of +human life. "The race is run by one and one, and never by two and two." + +In religion, in the deepest things of the spirit, these limits we have +been considering are perhaps felt most of all. With even a friend who +is as one's own soul, we cannot seek to make a spiritual impression, +without realizing the constraint of his separate individuality. We +cannot break through the barriers of another's distinct existence. If +we have ever sought to lead to a higher life another whom we love, we +must have been made to feel that it does not all rest with us, that he +is a free moral being, and that only by voluntarily yielding his heart +and will and life to the King, can he enter the Kingdom. We are forced +to respect his personality. We may watch and pray and speak, but we +cannot save. There is almost a sort of spiritual indecency in +unveiling the naked soul, in attempting to invade the personality of +another life. There is sometimes a spiritual vivisection which some +attempt in the name of religion, which is immoral. Only holier eyes +than ours, only more reverent hands than ours, can deal with the spirit +of a man. He is a separate individual, with all the rights of an +individual. We may have many points of contact with him, the contact +of mind on mind, and heart on heart; we may even have rights over him, +the rights of love; but he can at will insulate his life from ours. +Here also, as elsewhere when we go deep enough into life, it is God and +the single human soul. + +The lesson of all true living in every sphere is to learn our own +limitations. It is the first lesson in art, to work within the +essential limitations of the particular art. But in dealing with other +lives it is perhaps the hardest of all lessons, to learn, and submit +to, our limitations. It is the crowning grace of faith, when we are +willing to submit, and to leave those we love in the hands of God, as +we leave ourselves. Nowhere else is the limit of friendship so deeply +cut as here in the things of the spirit. + + No man can save his brother's soul, + Nor pay his brother's debt. + + +Human friendship has limits because of the real greatness of man. We +are too big to be quite comprehended by another. There is always +something in us left unexplained, and unexplored. We do not even know +ourselves, much less can another hope to probe into the recesses of our +being. Friendship has a limit, because of the infinite element in the +soul. It is hard to kick against the pricks, but they are meant to +drive us toward the true end of living. It is hard to be brought up by +a limit along any line of life, but it is designed to send us to a +deeper and richer development of our life. Man's limitation is God's +occasion. Only God can fully satisfy the hungry heart of man. + + + + +The Higher Friendship + + +Love Him, and keep Him for thy Friend, who, when all go away, will not +forsake thee, nor suffer thee to perish at the last. + +THOMAS Ą KEMPIS. + + + + Hush, I pray you! + What if this friend happen to be--God! + +BROWNING. + + + +The Higher Friendship + +Life is an education in love. There are grades and steps in it, +occasions of varying opportunity for the discipline of love. It comes +to us at many points, trying us at different levels, that it may get +entrance somehow, and so make our lives not altogether a failure. When +we give up our selfishness and isolation, even in the most rudimentary +degree, a beginning is made with us that is designed to carry us far, +if we but follow the leading of our hearts. There is an ideal toward +which all our experience points. If it were not so, life would be a +hopeless enigma, and the world a meaningless farce. There must be a +spiritual function intended, a design to build up strong and true moral +character, to develop sweet and holy life, otherwise history is a +despair, and experience a hopeless riddle. All truly great human life +has been lived with a spiritual outlook, and on a high level. Men have +felt instinctively that there is no justification for all the pain, and +strife, and failure, and sorrow of the world, if these do not serve a +higher purpose than mere existence. Even our tenderest relationships +need some more authoritative warrant than is to be found in themselves, +even in the joy and hope they bring. That joy cannot be meant as an +empty lure to keep life on the earth. + +And spiritual man has also discovered that the very breakdown of human +ties leads out to a larger and more permanent love. It is sooner or +later found that the most perfect love cannot utterly satisfy the heart +of man. All our human intercourse, blessed and helpful as it may be, +must be necessarily fragmentary and partial. A man must discover that +there is an infinite in him, which only the infinite can match and +supply. It is no disparagement of human friendship to admit this. It +remains a blessed fact that it is possible to meet devotion, which +makes us both humble and proud; humble at the sight of its noble +sacrifice, proud with a glad pride at its wondrous beauty. Man is +capable of the highest heights of love. But man can never take the +place of God, and without God life is shorn of its glory and divested +of its meaning. + +So the human heart has ever craved for a relationship, deeper and more +lasting than any possible among men, undisturbed by change, unmenaced +by death, unbroken by fear, unclouded by doubt. The limitations and +losses of earthly friendship are meant to drive us to the higher +friendship. Life is an education in love, but the education is not +complete till we learn the love of the eternal. Ordinary friendship +has done its work when the limits of friendship are reached, when +through the discipline of love we are led into a larger love, when a +door is opened out to a higher life. The sickness of heart which is +the lot of all, the loneliness which not even the voice of a friend can +dispel, the grief which seems to stop the pulse of life itself, find +their final meaning in this compulsion toward the divine. We are +sometimes driven out not knowing whither we go, not knowing the purpose +of it; only knowing through sheer necessity that here we have no +abiding city, or home, or life, or love; and seeking a city, a home, a +life, a love, that hath foundations. + +We have some training in the love of friends, as if only to prove to us +that without love we cannot live. All our intimacies are but broken +lights of the love of God. They are methods of preparation for the +great communion. In so far even that our earthly friendships are helps +to life, it is because they are shot through with the spiritual, and +they prepare us by their very deficiencies for something more +permanent. There have been implanted in man an instinct, and a need, +which make him discontented, till he find content in God. If at any +time we are forced to cease from man, whose breath is in his nostrils, +it is that we may reach out to the infinite Father, unchanging, the +same yesterday, to-day, and forever. This is the clamant, imperious +need of man. + +The solitude of life in its ultimate issue is because we were made for +a higher companionship. It is just in the innermost sanctuary, shut to +every other visitant, that God meets us. We are driven to God by the +needs of the heart. If the existence of God was due to a purely +intellectual necessity; if we believed in Him only because our reason +gave warrant for the faith; it would not matter much whether He really +is, and whether we really can know Him. But when the instincts of our +nature, and the necessities of the heart-life demand God, we are forced +to believe. In moments of deep feeling, when all pretence is silenced, +a man may be still able to question the _existence_ of God, but he does +not question his own _need_ of God. Man, to remain man, must believe +in the possibility of this relationship with the divine. There is a +love which passeth the love of women, passeth the love of comrades, +passeth all earthly love, the love of God to the weary, starved heart +of man. + +To believe in this great fact does not detract from human friendship, +but really gives it worth and glory. It is because of this, that all +love has a place in the life of man. All our worships, and +friendships, and loves, come from God, and are but reflections of the +divine tenderness. All that is beautiful, and lovely and pure, and of +good repute, finds its appropriate setting in God; for it was made by +God. He made it for Himself. He made man with instincts, and +aspirations, and heart-hunger, and divine unrest, that He might give +them full satisfaction in Himself. He claims everything, but He gives +everything. Our human relationships are sanctified and glorified by +the spiritual union. He gives us back our kinships, and friendships, +with a new light on them, an added tenderness, transfiguring our common +ties and intimacies, flooding them with a supernal joy. We part from +men to meet with God, that we may be able to meet men again on a higher +platform. But the love of God is the end and design of all other +loves. If the flowers and leaves fade, it is that the time of ripe +fruit is at hand. If these adornments are taken from the tree of life, +it is to make room for the supreme fruitage. Without the love of God +all other love would be but deception, luring men on to the awful +disillusionment. We were born for the love of God; if we do not find +it, it were better for us if we had never been born. We may have +tasted of all the joys the world can offer, have known success and the +gains of success, been blessed with the sweetest friendships and the +fiercest loves; but if we have not found this the chief end of life, we +have missed our chance, and can only have at the last a desolated life. + +But if through the joy or through the sorrow of life, through love or +the want of it, through the gaining of friends or the loss of them, we +have been led to dower our lives with the friendship of God, we are +possessed of the incorruptible, and undefiled, and that passeth not +away. The man who has it has attained the secret cheaply, though it +had to be purchased with his heart's blood, with the loss of his dream +of blessedness. When the fabric of life crumbled to its native dust, +and he rose out of its wreck, the vision of the eternal love came with +the thrill of a great revelation. It was the entrance into the +mystery, and the wonder of it awed him, and the joy of it inspired him, +and he awakened to the fact that never again could he be _alone_ to all +eternity. + +Communion with God is the great fact of life. All our forms of +worship, all our ceremonies and symbols of religion, find their meaning +here. There is, it is true, an ethic of religion, certain moral +teachings valuable for life: there are truths of religion to be laid +hold of by the reason: there are the consolations of religion to +comfort the heart: but the root of all religion is this mystical union, +a communion with the Unseen, a friendship with God open to man. +Religion is not an acceptance of a creed, or a burden of commandments, +but a personal secret of the soul, to be attained each man for himself. +It is the experience of the nearness of God, the mysterious contact +with the divine, and the consciousness that we stand in a special +individual relationship with Him. The first state of exaltation, when +the knowledge burst upon the soul, cannot, of course, last; but its +effect remains in inward peace, and outward impulse toward nobler life. + +Men of all ages have known this close relationship. The possibility of +it is the glory of life: the fact of it is the romance of history, and +the true reading of history. All devout men that have ever lived have +lived in the light of this communion. All religious experience has had +this in common, that somehow the soul is so possessed by God, that +doubt of His existence ceases; and the task of life becomes to keep +step with Him, so that there may be correspondence between the outer +and the inner conditions of life. Men have known this communion in +such a degree that they have been called pre-eminently the Friends of +God, but something of the experience which underlies the term is true +of the pious of all generations. + +To us, in our place in history, communion with God comes through Jesus +Christ. It is an ineffable mystery, but it is still a fact of +experience. Only through Jesus do we know God, His interest in us, His +desire for us, His purpose with us. He not only shows us in His own +example the blessedness of a life in fellowship with the Father, but He +makes it possible for us. United to Jesus, we know ourselves united to +God. The power of Jesus is not limited to the historical impression +made by His life. It entered the world as history; it lives in the +world as spiritual fact to-day. Luther's experience is the experience +of all believers, "To me it is not simply an old story of an event that +happened once; for it is a gift, a bestowing, that endures forever." +We offer Christ the submission of our hearts, and the obedience of our +lives; and He offers us His abiding presence. We take Him as our +Master; and He takes us as His friends. "I call you no longer +servants," He said to His disciples, "but I have called you friends." +The servant knoweth not what his Master doeth, his only duty is to +obey; a friend is admitted to confidence, and though he may do the same +thing as a servant, he does not do it any longer unreasoningly, but, +having been taken into counsel, he knows why he is doing it. This was +Christ's method with His disciples, not to apportion to each his task, +but to show them His great purpose for the world, and to ask for their +service and devotion to carry it out. + +The distinction is not that a servant pleases his master, and a friend +pleases himself. It is that our Lord takes us up into a relationship +of love with Himself, and we go out into life inspired with His spirit +to work His work. It begins with the self-surrender of love; and love, +not fear nor favor, becomes the motive. To feel thus the touch of God +on our lives changes the world. Its fruits are joy, and peace, and +confidence that all the events of life are suffused, not only with +meaning, but with a meaning of love. The higher friendship brings a +satisfaction of the heart, and a joy commensurate to the love. Its +reward is itself, the sweet, enthralling relationship, not any +adventitious gain it promises, either in the present, or for the +future. Even if there were no physical, or moral, rewards and +punishments in the world, we would still love and serve Christ _for His +own sake_. The soul that is bound by this personal attachment to Jesus +has a life in the eternal, which transfigures the life in time with a +great joy. + +We can see at once that to be the friend of God will mean peace also. +It has brought peace over the troubled lives of all His friends +throughout the ages. Every man who enters into the covenant, knows the +world to be a spiritual arena, in which the love of God manifests +itself. He walks no longer on a sodden earth and under a gray sky; for +he knows that, though all men misunderstand him, he is understood, and +followed with loving sympathy, in heaven. It was this confidence in +God as a real and near friend, which gave to Abraham's life such +distinction, and the calm repose which made his character so +impressive. Strong in the sense of God's friendship, he lived above +the world, prodigal of present possessions, because sure of the future, +waiting securely in the hope of the great salvation. He walked with +God in sweet unaffected piety, and serene faith, letting his character +ripen in the sunshine, and living out his life as unto God not unto +men. To know the love of God does not mean the impoverishing of our +lives, by robbing them of their other sweet relations. Rather, it +means the enriching of these, by revealing their true beauty and +purpose. Sometimes we are brought nearer God through our friends, if +not through their influence or the joy of their love, then through the +discipline which comes from their very limitations and from their loss. +But oftener the experience has been that, through our union with the +Friend of friends, we are led into richer and fuller intercourse with +our fellows. The nearer we get to the centre of the circle, the nearer +we get to each other. To be joined together in Christ is the only +permanent union, deeper than the tie of blood, higher than the bond of +kin, closer than the most sacred earthly relationship. Spiritual +kinship is the great nexus to unite men. "Who are My brethren?" asked +Jesus, and for answer pointed to His disciples, and added, "Whosoever +shall do the will of My Father in heaven the same is My mother and +sister and brother." + +We ought to make more of our Christian friendships, the communion of +the saints, the fellowship of believers. "They that feared God spake +often one with another," said the prophet Malachi in one of the darkest +hours of the church. What mutual comfort, and renewed hope, they would +get from, and give to, each other! Faith can be increased, and love +stimulated, and enthusiasm revived by intercourse. The supreme +friendship with Christ therefore will not take from us any of our +treasured intimacies, unless they are evil. It will increase the +number of them, and the true force of them. It will link us on to all +who love the same Lord in sincerity and truth. It will open our heart +to the world of men that Jesus loved and gave His life to save. + +This friendship with the Lord knows no fear of loss; neither life, nor +death, nor things present, nor things to come can separate us. It is +joy and strength in the present, and it lights up the future with a +great hope. We are not much concerned about speculations regarding the +future; for we know that we are in the hands of our Lover. All that we +care to assert of the future is, that Christ will in an ever fuller +degree be the environment of all Christian souls, and the effect of +that constant environment will fulfil the aspiration of the apostle, +"We shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is." Communion +produces likeness. This even now is the test of our friendship with +the Lord. Are we assimilating His mind, His way of looking at things, +His judgments, His spirit? Is the Christ-conscience being developed in +us? Have we an increasing interest in the things which interest Him, +an increasing love of the things that He loves, an increasing desire to +serve the purposes He has at heart? "Ye are My friends if ye do +whatsoever I command you," is the test by which we can try ourselves. + +Fellowship with Him, being much in His company, thinking of Him, +seeking to please Him, will produce likeness, and bring us together on +more intimate terms. For, as love leads to the desire for fuller +fellowship; so fellowship leads to a deeper love. Even if sometimes we +almost doubt whether we are really in this blessed covenant of +friendship, our policy is to go on loving Him, serving Him, striving to +please Him; and we will yet receive the assurance, which will bring +peace; He will not disappoint us at the last. It is worth all the care +and effort we can give, to have and to keep Him for our friend who will +be a lasting possession, whose life enters into the very fibre of our +life, and whose love makes us certain of God. + +We ought to use our faith in this friendship to bless our lives. To +have an earthly friend, whom we trust and reverence, can be to us a +source of strength, keeping us from evil, making us ashamed of evil. +The dearer the friend and the more spiritual the friendship, the keener +will be this feeling, and the more needful does it seem to keep the +garments clean. It must reach its height of intensity and of moral +effectiveness in the case of friendship with God. There can be no +motive on earth so powerful. If we could only have such a friendship, +we see at once what an influence it might have over our life. We can +appreciate more than the joy, and peace, and comfort of it; we can feel +the power of it. To know ourselves ever before a living, loving +Presence, having a constant sense of Christ abiding in us, taking Him +with us into the marketplace, into our business and our pleasure, to +have Him as our familiar friend in joy and sorrow, in gain and loss, in +success and failure, must, in accordance with all psychological law, be +a source of strength, lifting life to a higher level of thought, and +feeling, and action. Supposing it were true and possible, it would +naturally be the strongest force in the world, the most effective +motive that could be devised: it would affect the whole moral outlook, +and make some things easy now deemed impossible, and make some things +impossible now to our shame too easy. Supposing this covenant with God +were true, and we knew ourselves to have such a Lover of our soul, it +would, as a matter of course, give us deeper and more serious views of +human life, and yet take away from us the burden and the unrest of life. + +Unless history be a lie, and experience a delusion, it _is_ true. The +world is vocal with a chorus of witness to the truth of it. From all +sorts and conditions of men comes the testimony to its reality--from +the old, who look forward to this Friend to make their bed in dying; +from the young, who know His aid in the fiery furnace of temptation; +from the strong, in the burden of the day and the dust of the battle, +who know the rest of His love even in the sore labor; from the weak, +who are mastered by His gracious pity, and inspired by His power to +suffer and to bear. Christ's work on earth was to make the friendship +of God possible to all. It seems too good to be true, too wondrous a +condescension on His part, but its reality has been tested, and +attested, by generations of believers. This covenant of friendship is +open to us, to be ours in life, and in death, and past the gates of +death. + +The human means of communication is prayer, though we limit it sadly. +Prayer is not an act of worship merely, the bending of the knee on set +occasions, and offering petitions in need. It is an attitude of soul, +opening the life on the Godward side, and keeping free communication +with the world of spirit. And so, it is possible to pray always, and +to keep our friendship ever green and sweet: and God comes back upon +the life, as dew upon the thirsty ground. There is an interchange of +feeling, a responsiveness of love, a thrill of mutual friendship. + + You must love Him, ere to you + He shall seem worthy of your love. + +The great appeal of the Christian faith is to Christian experience. +Loving Christ is its own justification, as every loving heart knows. +Life evidences itself: the existence of light is its own proof. The +power of Christ on the heart needs no other argument than itself. Men +only doubt when the life has died out, and the light has waned, and +flickered, and spent itself. It is when there is no sign of the spirit +in our midst, no token of forces beyond the normal and the usual, that +we can deny the spirit. It is when faith is not in evidence that we +can dispute faith. It is when love is dead that we can question love. +The Christian faith is not a creed, but a life; not a proposition, but +a passion. Love is its own witness to the soul that loves: communion +is its own attestation to the spirit that lives in the fellowship. The +man who lives with Jesus knows Him to be a Lover that cleaves closer +than a brother, a Friend that loveth at all times, and a Brother born +for adversity. + +It does not follow that there is an end of the question, so far as we +are concerned, if we say that we at least do not know that friendship, +and cannot love Him. Some even say it with a wistful longing, "Oh, +that I knew where I might find Him." It is true that love cannot be +forced, that it cannot be made to order, that we cannot love because we +ought, or even because we want. But we can bring ourselves into the +presence of the lovable. We can enter into Friendship through the door +of Discipleship; we can learn love through service; and the day will +come to us also when the Master's word will be true, "I call you no +longer servant, but I call you friend." His love will take possession +of us, till all else seems as hatred in comparison. "All lovers blush +when ye stand beside Christ," says Samuel Rutherford; "woe unto all +love but the love of Christ. Shame forevermore be upon all glory but +the glory of Christ; hunger forevermore be upon all heaven but Christ. +I cry death, death be upon all manner of life but the life of Christ." + +To be called _friends_ by our Master, to know Him as the Lover of our +souls, to give Him entrance to our hearts, is to learn the meaning of +living, and to experience the ecstasy of living. The Higher Friendship +is bestowed without money and without price, and is open to every heart +responsive to God's great love. + + 'T is only heaven that is given away, + 'T is God alone may be had for the asking. + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Friendship, by Hugh Black + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRIENDSHIP *** + +***** This file should be named 20861-8.txt or 20861-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/8/6/20861/ + +Produced by Al Haines + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Friendship + +Author: Hugh Black + +Release Date: March 20, 2007 [EBook #20861] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRIENDSHIP *** + + + + +Produced by Al Haines + + + + + + + + + + +FRIENDSHIP + +_By_ HUGH BLACK + + + +_With an Introductory Note by_ + +W. ROBERTSON NICOLL, D.D. + + + +Chicago--New York--Toronto + +FLEMING H. REVELL COMPANY + +London--Edinburgh + + + + +Copyright, 1898, 1903, by + +FLEMING H. REVELL COMPANY + + + + +To MY FRIEND + +HECTOR MUNRO FERGUSON + +AND TO MANY OTHER FRIENDS WHO HAVE MADE LIFE RICH + + + + + + + +_Equidem, ex omnibus rebus, quas mihi aut Fortuna aut Natura tribuit, +nihil habeo quod cum amicitia Scipionis possum, comparare._ + +CICERO. + + + + + _Intreat me not to leave thee, + And to return from following after thee: + For whither thou guest, I will go; + And where thou lodgest, I will lodge; + Thy people shall be my people, + And thy God my God: + Where thou diest, will I die, + And there will I be buried: + The Lord do so to me, and more also, + If aught but death part thee and me._ + + BOOK OF RUTH. + + + + +APPRECIATION + +BY SIR WM. ROBERTSON NICOLL, D.D. + +Mr. Hugh Black's wise and charming little book on Friendship is full of +good things winningly expressed, and, though very simply written, is +the result of real thought and experience. Mr. Black's is the art that +conceals art. For young men, especially, this volume will be a golden +possession, and it can hardly fail to affect their after lives. Mr. +Black says well that the subject of friendship is less thought of among +us now than it was in the old world. Marriage has come to mean +infinitely more. Communion with God in Christ has become to multitudes +the primal fact of life. Nevertheless the need for friendship +remains.--"British Weekly." + + + + +_Friendship is to be valued for what there is in it, not for what can +be gotten out of it. When two people appreciate each other because +each has found the other convenient to have around, they are not +friends, they are simply acquaintances with a business understanding. +To seek friendship for its utility is as futile as to seek the end of a +rainbow for its bag of gold. A true friend is always useful in the +highest sense; but we should beware of thinking of our friends as +brother members of a mutual-benefit association, with its periodical +demands and threats of suspension for non-payment of dues._ + +TRUMBULL. + + + + +Contents + + +I + +THE MIRACLE OF FRIENDSHIP + + +II + +THE CULTURE OF FRIENDSHIP + + +III + +THE FRUITS OF FRIENDSHIP + + +IV + +THE CHOICE OF FRIENDSHIP + + +V + +THE ECLIPSE OF FRIENDSHIP + + +VI + +THE WRECK OF FRIENDSHIP + + +VII + +THE RENEWING OF FRIENDSHIP + + +VIII + +THE LIMITS OF FRIENDSHIP + + +IX + +THE HIGHER FRIENDSHIP + + + + +The Miracle of Friendship + + + But, far away from these, another sort + Of lovers linked in true heart's consent; + Which loved not as these for like intent, + But on chaste virtue grounded their desire, + Far from all fraud or feigned blandishment; + Which, in their spirits kindling zealous fire, + Brave thoughts and noble deeds did evermore aspire. + + Such were great Hercules and Hylas dear, + True Jonathan and David trusty tried; + Stout Theseus and Pirithoeus his fere; + Pylades and Orestes by his side; + Mild Titus and Gesippus without pride; + Damon and Pythias, whom death could not sever; + All these, and all that ever had been tied + In bands of friendship, there did live forever; + Whose lives although decay'd, yet loves decayed never. + + SPENSER, The Faerie Queene. + + + +The Miracle of Friendship + +The idea, so common in the ancient writers, is not all a poetic +conceit, that the soul of a man is only a fragment of a larger whole, +and goes out in search of other souls in which it will find its true +completion. We walk among worlds unrealized, until we have learned the +secret of love. We know this, and in our sincerest moments admit this, +even though we are seeking to fill up our lives with other ambitions +and other hopes. + +It is more than a dream of youth that there may be here a satisfaction +of the heart, without which, and in comparison with which, all worldly +success is failure. In spite of the selfishness which seems to blight +all life, our hearts tell us that there is possible a nobler +relationship of disinterestedness and devotion. Friendship in its +accepted sense is not the highest of the different grades in that +relationship, but it has its place in the kingdom of love, and through +it we bring ourselves into training for a still larger love. The +natural man may be self-absorbed and self-centred, but in a truer sense +it is natural for him to give up self and link his life on to others. +Hence the joy with which he makes the great discovery, that he is +something to another and another is everything to him. It is the +higher-natural for which he has hitherto existed. It is a miracle, but +it happens. + +The cynic may speak of the now obsolete sentiment of friendship, and he +can find much to justify his cynicism. Indeed, on the first blush, if +we look at the relative place the subject holds in ancient as compared +with modern literature, we might say that friendship is a sentiment +that is rapidly becoming obsolete. In Pagan writers friendship takes a +much larger place than it now receives. The subject bulks largely in +the works of Plato, Aristotle, Epictetus, Cicero. And among modern +writers it gets most importance in the writings of the more +Pagan-spirited, such as Montaigne. In all the ancient systems of +philosophy, friendship was treated as an integral part of the system. +To the Stoic it was a blessed occasion for the display of nobility and +the native virtues of the human mind. To the Epicurean it was the most +refined of the pleasures which made life worth living. In the +Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle makes it the culminating point, and out +of ten books gives two to the discussion of Friendship. He makes it +even the link of connection between his treatise on Ethics and his +companion treatise on Politics. It is to him both the perfection of +the individual life, and the bond that holds states together. +Friendship is not only a beautiful and noble thing for a man, but the +realization of it is also the ideal for the state; for if citizens be +friends, then justice, which is the great concern of all organized +societies, is more than secured. Friendship is thus made the flower of +Ethics, and the root of Politics. + +Plato also makes friendship the ideal of the state, where all have +common interests and mutual confidence. And apart from its place of +prominence in systems of thought, perhaps a finer list of beautiful +sayings about friendship could be culled from ancient writers than from +modern. Classical mythology also is full of instances of great +friendship, which almost assumed the place of a religion itself. + +It is not easy to explain why its part in Christian ethics is so small +in comparison. The change is due to an enlarging of the thought and +life of man. Modern ideals are wider and more impersonal, just as the +modern conception of the state is wider. The Christian ideal of love +even for enemies has swallowed up the narrower ideal of philosophic +friendship. Then possibly also the instinct finds satisfaction +elsewhere in the modern man. For example, marriage, in more cases now +than ever before, supplies the need of friendship. Men and women are +nearer in intellectual pursuits and in common tastes than they have +ever been, and can be in a truer sense companions. And the deepest +explanation of all is that the heart of man receives a religious +satisfaction impossible before. Spiritual communion makes a man less +dependent on human intercourse. When the heaven is as brass and makes +no sign, men are thrown back on themselves to eke out their small +stores of love. + +At the same time friendship is not an obsolete sentiment. It is as +true now as in Aristotle's time that no one would care to live without +friends, though he had all other good things. It is still necessary to +our life in its largest sense. The danger of sneering at friendship is +that it may be discarded or neglected, not in the interests of a more +spiritual affection, but to minister to a debased cynical +self-indulgence. There is possible to-day, as ever, a generous +friendship which forgets self. The history of the heart-life of man +proves this. What records we have of such in the literature of every +country! Peradventure for a good man men have even dared to die. +Mankind has been glorified by countless silent heroisms, by unselfish +service, and sacrificing love. Christ, who always took the highest +ground in His estimate of men and never once put man's capacity for the +noble on a low level, made the high-water mark of human friendship the +standard of His own great action, "Greater love hath no man than this, +that a man lay down his life for his friends." This high-water mark +has often been reached. Men have given themselves to each other, with +nothing to gain, with no self-interest to serve, and with no keeping +back part of the price. It is false to history to base life on +selfishness, to leave out of the list of human motives the highest of +all. The miracle of friendship has been too often enacted on this dull +earth of ours, to suffer us to doubt either its possibility or its +wondrous beauty. + +The classic instance of David and Jonathan represents the typical +friendship. They met, and at the meeting knew each other to be nearer +than kindred. By subtle elective affinity they felt that they belonged +to each other. Out of all the chaos of the time and the disorder of +their lives, there arose for these two souls a new and beautiful world, +where there reigned peace, and love, and sweet content. It was the +miracle of the death of self. Jonathan forgot his pride, and David his +ambition. It was as the smile of God which changed the world to them. +One of them it saved from the temptations of a squalid court, and the +other from the sourness of an exile's life. Jonathan's princely soul +had no room for envy or jealousy. David's frank nature rose to meet +the magnanimity of his friend. + +In the kingdom of love there was no disparity between the king's son +and the shepherd boy. Such a gift as each gave and received is not to +be bought or sold. It was the fruit of the innate nobility of both: it +softened and tempered a very trying time for both. Jonathan withstood +his father's anger to shield his friend: David was patient with Saul +for his son's sake. They agreed to be true to each other in their +difficult position. Close and tender must have been the bond, which +had such fruit in princely generosity and mutual loyalty of soul. +Fitting was the beautiful lament, when David's heart was bereaved at +tragic Gilboa, "I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very +pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing +the love of women." Love is always wonderful, a new creation, fair and +fresh to every loving soul. It is the miracle of spring to the cold +dull earth. + +When Montaigne wrote his essay on Friendship, he could do little but +tell the story of his friend. The essay continually reverts to this, +with joy that he had been privileged to have such a friend, with sorrow +at his loss. It is a chapter of his heart. There was an element of +necessity about it, as there is about all the great things of life. He +could not account for it. It came to him without effort or choice. It +was a miracle, but it happened. "If a man should importune me to give +a reason why I loved him, I can only answer, because it was he, because +it was I." It was as some secret appointment of heaven. They were +both grown men when they first met, and death separated them soon. "If +I should compare all my life with the four years I had the happiness to +enjoy the sweet society of this excellent man, it is nothing but smoke; +an obscure and tedious night from the day that I lost him. I have led +a sorrowful and languishing life ever since. I was so accustomed to be +always his second in all places and in all interests, that methinks I +am now no more than half a man, and have but half a being." We would +hardly expect such passion of love and regret from the easy-going, +genial, garrulous essayist. + +The joy that comes from a true communion of heart with another is +perhaps one of the purest and greatest in the world, but its function +is not exhausted by merely giving pleasure. Though we may not be +conscious of it, there is a deeper purpose in it, an education in the +highest arts of living. We may be enticed by the pleasure it affords, +but its greatest good is got by the way. Even intellectually it means +the opening of a door into the mystery of life. Only love +_understands_ after all. It gives insight. We cannot truly know +anything without sympathy, without getting out of self and entering +into others. A man cannot be a true naturalist, and observe the ways +of birds and insects accurately, unless he can watch long and lovingly. +We can never know children, unless we love them. Many of the chambers +of the house of life are forever locked to us, until love gives us the +key. + +To learn to love all kinds of nobleness gives insight into the true +significance of things, and gives a standard to settle their relative +importance. An uninterested spectator sees nothing; or, what is worse, +sees wrongly. Most of our mean estimates of human nature in modern +literature, and our false realisms in art, and our stupid pessimisms in +philosophy, are due to an unintelligent reading of surface facts. Men +set out to note and collate impressions, and make perhaps a scientific +study of slumdom, without genuine interest in the lives they see, and +therefore without true insight into them. They miss the inwardness, +which love alone can supply. If we look without love we can only see +the outside, the mere form and expression of the subject studied. Only +with tender compassion and loving sympathy can we see the beauty even +in the eye dull with weeping and in the fixed face pale with care. We +will often see noble patience shining through them, and loyalty to +duty, and virtues and graces unsuspected by others. + +The divine meaning of a true friendship is that it is often the first +unveiling of the secret of love. It is not an end in itself, but has +most of its worth in what it leads to, the priceless gift of seeing +with the heart rather than with the eyes. To love one soul for its +beauty and grace and truth is to open the way to appreciate all +beautiful and true and gracious souls, and to recognize spiritual +beauty wherever it is seen. + +The possibility at least of friendship must be a faith with us. The +cynical attitude is an offence. It is possible to find in the world +true-hearted, leal, and faithful dealing between man and man. To doubt +this is to doubt the divine in life. Faith in man is essential to +faith in God. In spite of all deceptions and disillusionments, in +spite of all the sham fellowships, in spite of the flagrant cases of +self-interest and callous cruelty, we must keep clear and bright our +faith in the possibilities of our nature. The man who hardens his +heart because he has been imposed on has no real belief in virtue, and +with suitable circumstances could become the deceiver instead of the +deceived. The great miracle of friendship with its infinite wonder and +beauty may be denied to us, and yet we may believe in it. To believe +that it is possible is enough, even though in its superbest form it has +never come to us. To possess it, is to have one of the world's +sweetest gifts. + +Aristotle defines friendship as one soul abiding in two bodies. There +is no explaining such a relationship, but there is no denying it. It +has not deserted the world since Aristotle's time. Some of our modern +poets have sung of it with as brave a faith as ever poet of old. What +splendid monuments to friendship we possess in Milton's _Lycidas_ and +Tennyson's _In Memoriam_! In both there is the recognition of the +spiritual power of it, as well as the joy and comfort it brought. The +grief is tempered by an awed wonder and a glad memory. + +The finest feature of Rudyard Kipling's work and it is a constant +feature of it, is the comradeship between commonplace soldiers of no +high moral or spiritual attainment, and yet it is the strongest force +in their lives, and on occasion makes heroes of them. We feel that +their faithfulness to each other is almost the only point at which +their souls are reached. The threefold cord of his soldiers, vulgar in +mind and common in thought as they are, is a cord which we feel is not +easily broken, and it is their friendship and loyalty to each other +which save them from utter vulgarity. + +In Walt Whitman there is the same insight into the force of friendship +in ordinary life, with added wonder at the miracle of it. He is the +poet of comrades, and sings the song of companionship more than any +other theme. He ever comes back to the lifelong love of comrades. The +mystery and the beauty of it impressed him. + + O tan-faced prairie-boy, + Before you came to camp came many a welcome gift, + Praises and presents came and nourishing food, + till at last among the recruits + _You_ came, taciturn, with nothing to give--we + but looked on each other, + When lo! more than all the gifts of the world you gave me. + +After all, in spite of the vulgar materialism of our day, we do feel +that the spiritual side of life is the most important, and brings the +only true joy. And friendship in its essence is spiritual. It is the +free, spontaneous outflow of the heart, and is a gift from the great +Giver. + +Friends are born, not made. At least it is so with the higher sort. +The marriage of souls is a heavenly mystery, which we cannot explain, +and which we need not try to explain. The method by which it is +brought about differs very much, and depends largely on temperament. +Some friendships grow, and ripen slowly and steadily with the years. +We cannot tell where they began, or how. They have become part of our +lives, and we just accept them with sweet content and glad confidence. +We have discovered that somehow we are rested, and inspired, by a +certain companionship; that we understand and are understood easily. + +Or it may come like love at first sight, by the thrill of elective +affinity. This latter is the more uncertain, and needs to be tested +and corrected by the trial of the years that follow. It has to be +found out whether it is really spiritual kinship, or mere emotional +impulse. It is a matter of temper and character. A naturally reserved +person finds it hard to open his heart, even when his instinct prompts +him; while a sociable, responsive nature is easily companionable. It +is not always this quick attachment, however, which wears best, and +that is the reason why youthful friendships have the character of being +so fickle. They are due to a natural instinctive delight in society. +Most young people find it easy to be agreeable, and are ready to place +themselves under new influences. + +But whatever be the method by which a true friendship is formed, +whether the growth of time or the birth of sudden sympathy, there +seems, on looking back, to have been an element of necessity. It is a +sort of predestined spiritual relationship. We speak of a man meeting +his fate, and we speak truly. When we look back we see it to be like +destiny; life converged to life, and there was no getting out of it +even if we wished it. It is not that we made a choice, but that the +choice made us. If it has come gradually, we waken to the presence of +the force which has been in our lives, and has come into them never +hasting but never resting, till now we know it to be an eternal +possession. Or, as we are going about other business, never dreaming +of the thing which occurs, the unexpected happens; on the road a light +shines on us, and life is never the same again. + +In one of its aspects, faith is the recognition of the inevitableness +of providence; and when it is understood and accepted, it brings a +great consoling power into the life. We feel that we are in the hands +of a Love that orders our ways, and the knowledge means serenity and +peace. The fatality of friendship is gratefully accepted, as the +fatality of birth. To the faith which sees love in all creation, all +life becomes harmony, and all sorts of loving relationships among men +seem to be part of the natural order of the world. Indeed, such +miracles are only to be looked for, and if absent from the life of man +would make it hard to believe in the love of God. + +The world thinks we idealize our friend, and tells us that love is +proverbially blind. Not so: it is only love that sees, and thus can +"win the secret of a weed's plain heart." We only see what dull eyes +never see at all. If we wonder what another man sees in his friend, it +should be the wonder of humility, not the supercilious wonder of pride. +He sees something which we are not permitted to witness. Beneath and +amongst what looks only like worthless slag, there may glitter the pure +gold of a fair character. That anybody in the world should be got to +love us, and to see in us not what colder eyes see, not even what we +are but what we may be, should of itself make us humble and gentle in +our criticism of others' friendships. Our friends see the best in us, +and by that very fact call forth the best from us. + +The great difficulty in this whole subject is that the relationship of +friendship should so often be one-sided. It seems strange that there +should be so much unrequited affection in the world. It seems almost +impossible to get a completely balanced union. One gives so much more, +and has to be content to get so much less. One of the most humiliating +things in life is when another seems to offer his friendship lavishly, +and we are unable to respond. So much love seems to go a-begging. So +few attachments seem complete. So much affection seems unrequited. + +But are we sure it is unrequited? The difficulty is caused by our +common selfish standards. Most people, if they had their choice, would +prefer to be loved rather than to love, if only one of the alternatives +were permitted. That springs from the root of selfishness in human +nature, which makes us think that possession brings happiness. But the +glory of life is to love, not to be loved; to give, not to get; to +serve, not to be served. It may not be our fault that we cannot +respond to the offer of friendship or love, but it is our misfortune. +The secret is revealed to the other, and hid from us. The gain is to +the other, and the loss is to us. The miracle is the love, and to the +lover comes the wonder of it, and the joy. + + + + +The Culture of Friendship + + +How were Friendship possible? In mutual devotedness to the Good and +True: otherwise impossible, except as Armed Neutrality, or hollow +Commercial League. A man, be the Heavens ever praised, is sufficient +for himself; yet were ten men, united in Love, capable of being and of +doing what ten thousand singly would fail in. Infinite is the help man +can yield to man. + +CARLYLE, Sartor Resartus. + + + +The Culture of Friendship + +The Book of Proverbs might almost be called a treatise on Friendship, +so full is it of advice about the sort of person a young man should +consort with, and the sort of person he should avoid. It is full of +shrewd, and prudent, and wise, sometimes almost worldly-wise, counsel. +It is caustic in its satire about false friends, and about the way in +which friendships are broken. "The rich hath many friends," with an +easily understood implication concerning their quality. "Every man is +a friend to him that giveth gifts," is its sarcastic comment on the +ordinary motives of mean men. Its picture of the plausible, fickle, +lip-praising, and time-serving man, who blesseth his friend with a loud +voice, rising early in the morning, is a delicate piece of satire. The +fragile connections among men, as easily broken as mended pottery, get +illustration in the mischief-maker who loves to divide men. "A +whisperer separateth chief friends." There is keen irony here over the +quality of ordinary friendship, as well as condemnation of the +tale-bearer and his sordid soul. + +This cynical attitude is so common that we hardly expect such a shrewd +book to speak heartily of the possibilities of human friendship. Its +object rather is to put youth on its guard against the dangers and +pitfalls of social life. It gives sound commercial advice about +avoiding becoming surety for a friend. It warms [Transcriber's note: +warns?] against the tricks, and cheats, and bad faith, which swarmed in +the streets of a city then, as they do still. It laughs, a little +bitterly, at the thought that friendship can be as common as the eager, +generous heart of youth imagines. It almost sneers at the gullibility +of men in this whole matter. "He that maketh many friends doeth it to +his own destruction." + +And yet there is no book, even in classical literature, which so exalts +the idea of friendship, and is so anxious to have it truly valued, and +carefully kept. The worldly-wise warnings are after all in the +interests of true friendship. To condemn hypocrisy is not, as is so +often imagined, to condemn religion. To spurn the spurious is not to +reject the true. A sneer at folly may be only a covert argument for +wisdom. Satire is negative truth. The unfortunate thing is that most +men, who begin with the prudential worldly-wise philosophy, end there. +They never get past the sneer. Not so this wise book. In spite of its +insight into the weakness of man, in spite of its frank denunciation of +the common masquerade of friendship, it speaks of the true kind in +words of beauty that have never been surpassed in all the many +appraisements of this subject. "A friend loveth at all times, and is a +brother born for adversity. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. +Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart, so doth the sweetness of a +man's friend by hearty counsel. Thine own friend and thy father's +friend forsake not." These are not the words of a cynic, who has lost +faith in man. + +True, this golden friendship is not a common thing to be picked up in +the street. It would not be worth much if it were. Like wisdom it +must be sought for as for hid treasures, and to keep it demands care +and thought. To think that every goose is a swan, that every new +comrade is the man of your own heart, is to have a very shallow heart. +Every casual acquaintance is not a hero. There are pearls of the +heart, which cannot be thrown to swine. Till we learn what a sacred +thing a true friendship is, it is futile to speak of the culture of +friendship. The man who wears his heart on his sleeve cannot wonder if +daws peck at it. There ought to be a sanctuary, to which few receive +admittance. It is great innocence, or great folly, and in this +connection the terms are almost synonymous, to open our arms to +everybody to whom we are introduced. The Book of Proverbs, as a manual +on friendship, gives as shrewd and caustic warnings as are needed, but +it does not go to the other extreme, and say that all men are liars, +that there are no truth and faithfulness to be found. To say so is to +speak in haste. There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother, +says this wisest of books. There is possible such a blessed +relationship, a state of love and trust and generous comradehood, where +a man feels safe to be himself, because he knows that he will not +easily be misunderstood. + +The word friendship has been abased by applying it to low and unworthy +uses, and so there is plenty of copy still to be got from life by the +cynic and the satirist. The sacred name of friend has been bandied +about till it runs the risk of losing its true meaning. Rossetti's +versicle finds its point in life-- + + "Was it a friend or foe that spread these lies?" + "Nay, who but infants question in such wise? + 'T was one of my most intimate enemies." + +It is useless to speak of cultivating the great gift of friendship +unless we make clear to ourselves what we mean by a friend. We make +connections and acquaintances, and call them friends. We have few +friendships, because we are not willing to pay the price of friendship. + +If we think it is not worth the price, that is another matter, and is +quite an intelligible position, but we must not use the word in +different senses, and then rail at fate because there is no miracle of +beauty and joy about our sort of friendship. Like all other spiritual +blessings it comes to all of us at some time or other, and like them is +often let slip. We have the opportunities, but we do not make use of +them. Most men make friends easily enough: few keep them. They do not +give the subject the care, and thought, and trouble, it requires and +deserves. We want the pleasure of society, without the duty. We would +like to get the good of our friends, without burdening ourselves with +any responsibility about keeping them friends. The commonest mistake +we make is that we spread our intercourse over a mass, and have no +depth of heart left. We lament that we have no stanch and faithful +friend, when we have really not expended the love which produces such. +We want to reap where we have not sown, the fatuousness of which we +should see as soon as it is mentioned. "She that asks her dear five +hundred friends" (as Cowper satirically describes a well-known type) +cannot expect the exclusive affection, which she has not given. + +The secret of friendship is just the secret of all spiritual blessing. +The way to get is to give. The selfish in the end can never get +anything but selfishness. The hard find hardness everywhere. As you +mete, it is meted out to you. + +Some men have a genius for friendship. That is because they are open +and responsive, and unselfish. They truly make the most of life; for +apart from their special joys, even intellect is sharpened by the +development of the affections. No material success in life is +comparable to success in friendship. We really do ourselves harm by +our selfish standards. There is an old Latin proverb,[1] expressing +the worldly view, which says that it is not possible for a man to love +and at the same time to be wise. This is only true when wisdom is made +equal to prudence and selfishness, and when love is made the same. +Rather it is never given to a man to be wise in the true and noble +sense, until he is carried out of himself in the purifying passion of +love, or the generosity of friendship. The self-centred being cannot +keep friends, even when he makes them; his selfish sensitiveness is +always in the way, like a diseased nerve ready to be irritated. + +The culture of friendship is a duty, as every gift represents a +responsibility. It is also a necessity; for without watchful care it +can no more remain with us than can any other gift. Without culture it +is at best only a potentiality. We may let it slip, or we can use it +to bless our lives. The miracle of friendship, which came at first +with its infinite wonder and beauty, wears off, and the glory fades +into the light of common day. The early charm passes, and the soul +forgets the first exaltation. We are always in danger of mistaking the +common for the commonplace. We must not look upon it merely as the +great luxury of life, or it will cease to be even that. It begins with +emotion, but if it is to remain it must become a habit. Habit is fixed +when an accustomed thing is organized into life; and, whatever be the +genesis of friendship, it must become a habit, or it is in danger of +passing away as other impressions have done before. + +Friendship needs delicate handling. We can ruin it by stupid +blundering at the very birth, and we can kill it by neglect. It is not +every flower that has vitality enough to grow in stony ground. Lack of +reticence, which is only the outward sign of lack of reverence, is +responsible for the death of many a fair friendship. Worse still, it +is often blighted at the very beginning by the insatiable desire for +piquancy in talk, which can forget the sacredness of confidence. "An +acquaintance grilled, scored, devilled, and served with mustard and +cayenne pepper, excites the appetite; whereas a slice of old friend +with currant jelly is but a sickly, unrelishing meat." [2] Nothing is +given to the man who is not worthy to possess it, and the shallow heart +can never know the joy of a friendship, for the keeping of which he is +not able to fulfil the essential conditions. Here also it is true that +from the man that hath not, is taken away even that which he hath. + +The method for the culture of friendship finds its best and briefest +summary in the Golden Rule. To do to, and for, your friend what you +would have him do to, and for, you, is a simple compendium of the whole +duty of friendship. The very first principle of friendship is that it +is a mutual thing, as among spiritual equals, and therefore it claims +reciprocity, mutual confidence and faithfulness. There must be +sympathy to keep in touch with each other, but sympathy needs to be +constantly exercised. It is a channel of communication, which has to +be kept open, or it will soon be clogged and closed. + +The practice of sympathy may mean the cultivation of similar tastes, +though that will almost naturally follow from the fellowship. But to +cultivate similar tastes does not imply either absorption of one of the +partners, or the identity of both. Rather, part of the charm of the +intercourse lies in the difference, which exists in the midst of +agreement. What is essential is that there should be a real desire and +a genuine effort to understand each other. It is well worth while +taking pains to preserve a relationship so full of blessing to both. + +Here, as in all connections among men, there is also ample scope for +patience. When we think of our own need for the constant exercise of +this virtue, we will admit its necessity for others. After the first +flush of communion has passed, we must see in a friend things which +detract from his worth, and perhaps things which irritate us. This is +only to say that no man is perfect. With tact, and tenderness and +patience, it may be given us to help to remove what may be flaws in a +fine character, and in any case it is foolish to forget the great +virtues of our friend in fretful irritation at a few blemishes. We can +keep the first ideal in our memory, even if we know that it is not yet +an actual fact. We must not let our intercourse be coarsened, but must +keep it sweet and delicate, that it may remain a refuge from the coarse +world, a sanctuary where we leave criticism outside, and can breathe +freely. + +_Trust_ is the first requisite for making a friend. How can we be +anything but alone, if our attitude to men is one of armed neutrality, +if we are suspicious, and assertive, and querulous, and over-cautious +in our advances? Suspicion kills friendship. There must be some +magnanimity and openness of mind, before a friendship can be formed. +We must be willing to give ourselves freely and unreservedly. + +Some find it easier than others to make advances, because they are +naturally more trustful. A beginning has to be made somehow, and if we +are moved to enter into personal association with another, we must not +be too cautious in displaying our feeling. If we stand off in cold +reserve, the ice, which trembled to thawing, is gripped again by the +black hand of frost. There may be a golden moment which has been lost +through a foolish reserve. We are so afraid of giving ourselves away +cheaply--and it is a proper enough feeling, the value of which we learn +through sad experience--but on the whole perhaps the warm nature, which +acts on impulse, is of a higher type, than the over-cautious nature, +ever on the watch lest it commit itself. We can do nothing with each +other, we cannot even do business with each other, without a certain +amount of trust. Much more necessary is it in the beginning of a +deeper intercourse. + +And if trust is the first requisite for making a friend, _faithfulness_ +is the first requisite for keeping him. The way to have a friend is to +be a friend. Faithfulness is the fruit of trust. We must be ready to +lay hold of every opportunity which occurs of serving our friend. Life +is made up to most of us of little things, and many a friendship +withers through sheer neglect. Hearts are alienated, because each is +waiting for some great occasion for displaying affection. The great +spiritual value of friendship lies in the opportunities it affords for +service, and if these are neglected it is only to be expected that the +gift should be taken from us. Friendship, which begins with sentiment, +will not live and thrive on sentiment. There must be loyalty, which +finds expression in service. It is not the greatness of the help, or +the intrinsic value of the gift, which gives it its worth, but the +evidence it is of love and thoughtfulness. + +Attention to detail is the secret of success in every sphere of life, +and little kindnesses, little acts of considerateness, little +appreciations, little confidences, are all that most of us are called +on to perform, but they are all that are needed to keep a friendship +sweet. Such thoughtfulness keeps our sentiment in evidence to both +parties. If we never show our kind feeling, what guarantee has our +friend, or even ourself, that it exists? Faithfulness in deed is the +outward result of constancy of soul, which is the rarest, and the +greatest, of virtues. If there has come to us the miracle of +friendship, if there is a soul to which our soul has been drawn, it is +surely worth while being loyal and true. Through the little occasions +for helpfulness, we are training for the great trial, if it should ever +come, when the fabric of friendship will be tested to the very +foundation. The culture of friendship, and its abiding worth, never +found nobler expression than in the beautiful proverb,[3] "A friend +loveth at all times, and is a brother born for adversity." + +Most men do not deserve such a gift from heaven. They look upon it as +a convenience, and accept the privilege of love without the +responsibility of it. They even use their friends for their own +selfish purposes, and so never have true friends. Some men shed +friends at every step they rise in the social scale. It is mean and +contemptible to merely use men, so long as they further one's personal +interests. But there is a nemesis on such heartlessness. To such can +never come the ecstasy and comfort of mutual trust. This worldly +policy can never truly succeed. It stands to reason that they cannot +have brothers born for adversity, and cannot count on the joy of the +love that loveth at all times; for they do not possess the quality +which secures it. To act on the worldly policy, to treat a friend as +if he might become an enemy, is of course to be friendless. To +sacrifice a tried and trusted friend for any personal advantage of gain +or position, is to deprive our own heart of the capacity for friendship. + +The passion for novelty will sometimes lead a man to act like this. +Some shallow minds are ever afflicted by a craving for new experiences. +They sit very loosely to the past. They are the easy victims of the +untried, and yearn perpetually for novel sensations. In this matter of +friendship they are ready to forsake the old for the new. They are +always finding a swan in every goose they meet. They have their reward +in a widowed heart. Says Shakespeare in his great manner,-- + + The friends thou hast and their adoption tried + Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel, + But do not dull thy palm with entertainment + Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade. + + +The culture of friendship must pass into the consecration of +friendship, if it is to reach its goal. It is a natural evolution. +Friendship cannot be permanent unless it becomes spiritual. There must +be fellowship in the deepest things of the soul, community in the +highest thoughts, sympathy with the best endeavors. We are bartering +the priceless boon, if we are looking on friendship merely as a luxury, +and not as a spiritual opportunity. It is, or can be, an occasion for +growing in grace, for learning love, for training the heart to patience +and faith, for knowing the joy of humble service. We are throwing away +our chance, if we are not striving to be an inspiring and healthful +environment to our friend. We are called to be our best to our friend, +that he may be his best to us, bringing out what is highest and deepest +in the nature of both. + +The culture of friendship is one of the approved instruments of culture +of the heart, without which a man has not truly come into his kingdom. +It is often only the beginning, but through tender and careful culture +it may be an education for the larger life of love. It broadens out in +ever-widening circles, from the particular to the general, and from the +general to the universal--from the individual to the social, and from +the social to God. The test of religion is ultimately a very simple +one. If we do not love those whom we have seen, we cannot love those +whom we have not seen. All our sentiment about people at a distance, +and our heart-stirrings for the distressed and oppressed, and our +prayers for the heathen, are pointless and fraudulent, if we are +neglecting the occasions for service lying to our hand. If we do not +love our brethren here, how can we love our brethren elsewhere, except +as a pious sentimentality? And if we do not love those we have seen, +how can we love God whom we have not seen? + +This is the highest function of friendship, and is the reason why it +needs thoughtful culture. We should be led to God by the joy of our +lives as well as by the sorrow, by the light as well as by the +darkness, by human intercourse as well as by human loneliness. He is +the Giver of every good gift. We wound His heart of love, when we sin +against love. The more we know of Christ's spirit, and the more we +think of the meaning of God's fathomless grace, the more will we be +convinced that the way to please the Father and to follow the Son is to +cultivate the graces of kindliness and gentleness and tenderness, to +give ourselves to the culture of the heart. Not in the ecclesiastical +arena, not in polemic for a creed, not in self-assertion and +disputings, do we please our Master best, but in the simple service of +love. To seek the good of men is to seek the glory of God. They are +not two things, but one and the same. To be a strong hand in the dark +to another in the time of need, to be a cup of strength to a human soul +in a crisis of weakness, is to know the glory of life. To be a true +friend, saving his faith in man, and making him believe in the +existence of love, is to save his faith in God. And such service is +possible for all. We need not wait for the great occasion and for the +exceptional opportunity. We can never be without our chance, if we are +ready to keep the miracle of love green in our hearts by humble service. + + The primal duties shine aloft like stars. + The charities that soothe and heal and bless, + Are scattered at the feet of man like flowers. + + + +[1] _Non simul cuiquam conceditur, amare et sapere_. + +[2] Thackeray, _Roundabout Papers_. + +[3] Proverbs xvii. 17, R. V. margin. + + + + +The Fruits of Friendship + + +Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their +labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to +him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him +up. And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a +threefold cord is not quickly broken.--ECCLESIASTES. + + + O friend, my bosom said, + Through thee alone the sky is arched, + Through thee the rose is red, + All things through thee take nobler form + And look beyond the earth, + And is the mill-round of our fate, + A sun-path in thy worth. + Me too thy nobleness has taught + To master my despair; + The fountains of my hidden life + Are through thy friendship fair. + + EMERSON. + + + +The Fruits of Friendship + +In our utilitarian age things are judged by their practical value. Men +ask of everything, What is its use? Nothing is held to be outside +criticism, neither the law because of its authority, nor religion +because of its sacredness. Every relationship in life also has been +questioned, and is asked to show the reason of its existence. Even +some relationships like marriage, for long held to be above question, +are put into the crucible. + +On the whole it is a good spirit, though it can be abused and carried +to an absurd extreme. Criticism is inevitable, and ought to be +welcomed, provided we are careful about the true standard to apply. +When we judge a thing by its use, we must not have a narrow view of +what utility is. Usefulness to man is not confined to mere material +values. The common standards of the market-place cannot be applied to +the whole of life. The things which cannot be bought cannot be sold, +and the keenest valuator would be puzzled to put a price on some of +these unmarketable wares. + +When we seek to show what are the fruits of friendship, we may be said +to put ourselves in line with the critical spirit of our age. But even +if it were proven that a man could make more of his life materially by +himself, if he gave no hostages to fortune, it would not follow that it +is well to disentangle oneself from the common human bonds; for our +_caveat_ would here apply, that utility is larger than mere material +gain. + +But even from this point of view friendship justifies itself. Two are +better than one; for they have a good reward for their labor. The +principle of association in business is now accepted universally. It +is found even to pay, to share work and profit. Most of the world's +business is done by companies, or partnerships, or associated endeavor +of some kind. And the closer the intimacy between the men so engaged, +the intimacy of common desires and common purposes, and mutual respect +and confidence, and, if possible, friendship, the better chance there +is for success. Two are better than one from the point of view even of +the reward of each, and a threefold cord is not quickly broken, when a +single strand would snap. + +When men first learned, even in its most rudimentary sense, that union +is strength, the dawn of civilization began. For offence and for +defence, the principle of association early proved itself the fittest +for survival. The future is always with Isaac, not with Ishmael--with +Jacob, not with Esau. In everything this is seen, in the struggle of +races, or trade, or ideas. Even as a religious method to make an +impact on the world, it is true. John of the Desert touched here a +life, and there a life; Jesus of Nazareth, seeking disciples, founding +a society, moved the world to its heart. + +It is not necessary to labor this point, that two are better than one, +to a commercial age like ours, which, whatever it does not know, at +least knows its arithmetic. We would say that it is self-evident, that +by the law of addition it is double, and by the law of multiplication +twice the number. But it is not so exact as that, nor so self-evident. +When we are dealing with men, our ready-reckoner rules do not work out +correctly. In this region one and one are not always two. They are +sometimes more than two, and sometimes less than two. Union of all +kinds, which may be strength, may be weakness. It was not till Gideon +weeded out his army, once and twice, that he was promised victory. The +fruits of friendship may be corrupting, and unspeakably evil to the +life. The reward of the labor of two may be less than that of one. +The boy pulling a barrow is lucky if he get another boy to shove +behind, but if the boy behind not only ceases to shove, but sits on the +barrow, the last end is worse than the first. A threefold cord with +two of the strands rotten is worse than a single sound strand, for it +deceives into putting too much weight on it. + +In social economics it is evident that society is not merely the sum of +the units that compose it. Two are better than one, not merely because +the force is doubled. It may even be said that two are better than +two. Two together mean more than two added singly; for a new element +is introduced which increases the power of each individually. When the +man Friday came into the life of Robinson Crusoe, he brought with him a +great deal more than his own individual value, which with his lower +civilization would not be very much. But to Robinson Crusoe he +represented society, and all the possibilities of social polity. It +meant also the satisfaction of the social instincts, the play of the +affections, and made Crusoe a different man. The two living together +were more than the two living on different desert islands. + +The truth of this strange contradiction of the multiplication table is +seen in the relationship of friends. Each gives to the other, and each +receives, and the fruit of the intercourse is more than either in +himself possesses. Every individual relationship has contact with a +universal. To reach out to the fuller life of love is a divine +enchantment, because it leads to more than itself, and is the open door +into the mystery of life. We feel ourselves united to the race and no +longer isolated units, but in the sweep of the great social forces +which mould mankind. Every bond which binds man to man is a new +argument for the permanence of life itself, and gives a new insight +into its meaning. Love is the pledge and the promise of the future. + +Besides this cosmic and perhaps somewhat shadowy benefit, there are +many practical fruits of friendship to the individual. These may be +classified and subdivided almost endlessly, and indeed in every special +friendship the fruits of it will differ according to the character and +closeness of the tie, and according to the particular gifts of each of +the partners. One man can give to his friend some quality of sympathy, +or some kind of help, or can supply some social need which is lacking +in his character or circumstances. Perhaps it is not possible to get a +better division of the subject than the three noble fruits of +friendship which Bacon enumerates--peace in the affections, support of +the judgment, and aid in all actions and occasions. + + +First of all there is the _satisfaction of the heart_. We cannot live +a self-centred life, without feeling that we are missing the true glory +of life. We were made for social intercourse, if only that the highest +qualities of our nature might have an opportunity for development. The +joy, which a true friendship gives, reveals the existence of the want +of it, perhaps previously unfelt. It is a sin against ourselves to let +our affections wither. This sense of incompleteness is an argument in +favor of its possible satisfaction; our need is an argument for its +fulfilment. Our hearts demand love, as truly as our bodies demand +food. We cannot live among men, suspicious, and careful of our own +interests, and fighting for our own hand, without doing dishonor and +hurt to our own nature. To be for ourselves puts the whole world +against us. To harden our heart hardens the heart of the universe. + +We need sympathy, and therefore we crave for friendship. Even the most +perfect of the sons of men felt this need of intercourse of the heart. +Christ, in one aspect the most self-contained of men, showed this human +longing all through His life. He ever desired opportunities for +enlargement of heart--in His disciples, in an inner circle within the +circle, in the household of Bethany. "Will ye also go away?" He asked +in the crisis of His career. "Could ye not watch with Me one hour?" He +sighed in His great agony. He was perfectly human, and therefore felt +the lack of friendship. The higher our relationships with each other +are, the closer is the intercourse demanded. Highest of all in the +things of the soul, we feel that the true Christian life cannot be +lived in the desert, but must be a life among men, and this because it +is a life of joy as well as of service. We feel that, for the founding +of our life and the completion of our powers, we need intercourse with +our kind. Stunted affections dwarf the whole man. We live by +admiration, hope, and love, and these can be developed only in the +social life. + +The sweetest and most stable pleasures also are never selfish. They +are derived from fellowship, from common tastes, and mutual sympathy. +Sympathy is not a quality merely needed in adversity. It is needed as +much when the sun shines. Indeed, it is more easily obtained in +adversity than in prosperity. It is comparatively easy to sympathize +with a friend's _failure_, when we are not so true-hearted about his +success. When a man is down in his luck, he can be sure of at least a +certain amount of good-fellowship to which he can appeal. It is +difficult to keep a little touch of malice, or envy, out of +congratulations. It is sometimes easier to weep with those who weep, +than to rejoice with those who rejoice. This difficulty is felt not +with people above us, or with little connection with us, but with our +equals. When a friend succeeds, there may be a certain regret which +has not always an evil root, but is due to a fear that he is getting +beyond our reach, passing out of our sphere, and perhaps will not need +or desire our friendship so much as before. It is a dangerous feeling +to give way to, but up to a certain point is natural and legitimate. A +perfect friendship would not have room for such grudging sympathy, but +would rejoice more for the other's success than for his own. The +envious, jealous man never can be a friend. His mean spirit of +detraction and insinuating ill-will kills friendship at its birth. +Plutarch records a witty remark about Plistarchus, who was told that a +notorious railer had spoken well of him. "I'll lay my life," said he, +"somebody has told him I am dead, for he can speak well of no man +living." + +For true satisfaction of the heart, there must be a fount of sympathy +from which to draw in all the vicissitudes of life. Sorrow asks for +sympathy, aches to let its griefs be known and shared by a kindred +spirit. To find such, is to dispel the loneliness from life. To have +a heart which we can trust, and into which we can pour our griefs and +our doubts and our fears, is already to take the edge from grief, and +the sting from doubt, and the shade from fear. + +Joy also demands that its joy should be shared. The man who has found +his sheep that was lost calls together his neighbors, and bids them +rejoice with him because he has found the sheep that was lost. Joy is +more social than grief. Some forms of grief desire only to creep away +into solitude like a wounded beast to its lair, to suffer alone and to +die alone. But joy finds its counterpart in the sunshine and the +flowers and the birds and the little children, and enters easily into +all the movements of life. Sympathy will respond to a friend's +gladness, as well as vibrate to his grief. A simple generous +friendship will thus add to the joy, and will divide the sorrow. + +The religious life, in spite of all the unnatural experiments of +monasticism and all its kindred ascetic forms, is preeminently a life +of friendship. It is individual in its root, and social in its fruits. +It is when two or three are gathered together that religion becomes a +fact for the world. The joy of religion will not be hid and buried in +a man's own heart. "Come, see a man that told me all that ever I did," +is the natural outcome of the first wonder and the first faith. It +spreads from soul to soul by the impact of soul on soul, from the +original impact of the great soul of God. + +Christ's ideal is the ideal of a Kingdom, men banded together in a +common cause, under common laws, serving the same purpose of love. It +is meant to take effect upon man in all his social relationships, in +the home, in the city, in the state. Its greatest triumphs have been +made through friendship, and it in turn has ennobled and sanctified the +bond. The growth of the Kingdom depends on the sanctified working of +the natural ties among men. It was so at the very start; John the +Baptist pointed out the Christ to John the future Apostle and to +Andrew; Andrew findeth his own brother Simon Peter; Philip findeth +Nathanael; and so society through its network of relations took into +its heart the new message. The man who has been healed must go and +tell those who are at home, must declare it to his friends, and seek +that they also should share in his great discovery. + +The very existence of the Church as a body of believers is due to this +necessity of our nature, which demands opportunity for the interchange +of Christian sentiment. The deeper the feeling, the greater is the joy +of sharing it with another. There is a strange felicity, a wondrous +enchantment, which comes from true intimacy of heart, and close +communion of soul, and the result is more than mere fleeting joy. When +it is shared in the deepest thoughts and highest aspirations, when it +is built on a common faith, and lives by a common hope, it brings +perfect peace. No friendship has done its work until it reaches the +supremest satisfaction of spiritual communion. + +Besides this satisfaction of the heart, friendship also gives +_satisfaction of the mind_. Most men have a certain natural diffidence +in coming to conclusions and forming opinions for themselves. We +rarely feel confident, until we have secured the agreement of others in +whom we trust. There is always a personal equation in all our +judgments, so that we feel that they require to be amended by +comparison with those of others. Doctors ask for a consultation, when +a case becomes critical. We all realize the advantage of taking +counsel. To ask for advice is a benefit, whether we follow the advice +or no. Indeed, the best benefit often comes from the opportunity of +testing our own opinion and finding it valid. Sometimes the very +statement of the case is enough to prove it one thing or the other. An +advantage is reaped from a sympathetic listener, even although our +friend be unable to elucidate the matter by his special sagacity or +experience. Friends in counsel gain much intellectually. They acquire +something approaching to a standard of judgment, and are enabled to +classify opinions, and to make up the mind more accurately and +securely. Through talking a subject over with another, one gets fresh +side-lights into it, new avenues open up, and the whole question +becomes larger and richer. Bacon says, "Friendship maketh daylight in +the understanding, out of darkness and confusion of thoughts: neither +is this to be understood only of faithful counsel, which a man +receiveth from his friend; but before you come to that, certain it is, +that whosoever hath his mind fraught with many thoughts, his wits and +understanding do clarify and break up in the communicating and +discoursing with another; he tosseth his thoughts more easily; he +marshalleth them more orderly; he seeth how they look when they are +turned into words; finally he waxeth wiser than himself; and that more +by an hour's discourse than by a day's meditation." + +We must have been struck with the brilliancy of our own conversation +and the profundity of our own thoughts, when we shared them with one, +with whom we were in sympathy at the time. The brilliancy was not +ours; it was the reflex action which was the result of the communion. +That is why the effect of different people upon us is different, one +making us creep into our shell and making us unable almost to utter a +word; another through some strange magnetism enlarging the bounds of +our whole being and drawing the best out of us. The true insight after +all is love. It clarifies the intellect, and opens the eyes to much +that was obscure. + +Besides the subjective influence, there may be the great gain of honest +counsel. A faithful friend can be trusted not to speak merely soft +words of flattery. It is often the spectator who sees most of the +game, and, if the spectator is at the same time keenly interested in +us, he can have a more unbiased opinion than we can possibly have. He +may have to say that which may wound our self-esteem; he may have to +speak for correction rather than for commendation; but "Faithful are +the wounds of a friend." The flatterer will take good care not to +offend our susceptibilities by too many shocks of wholesome +truth-telling; but a friend will seek our good, even if he must say the +thing we hate to hear at the time. + +This does not mean that a friend should always be what is called +plain-spoken. Many take advantage of what they call a true interest in +our welfare, in order to rub gall into our wounds. The man who boasts +of his frankness and of his hatred of flattery, is usually not +frank--but only brutal. A true friend will never needlessly hurt, but +also will never let slip occasions through cowardice. To speak the +truth in love takes off the edge of unpleasantness, which so often is +found in truth-speaking. And however the wound may smart, in the end +we are thankful for the faithfulness which caused it. "Let the +righteous smite me; it shall be a kindness: and let him reprove me; it +shall be an excellent oil, which shall not break my head." + +In our relations with each other, there is usually more advantage to be +reaped from friendly encouragement, than from friendly correction. +True criticism does not consist, as so many critics seem to think, in +depreciation, but in appreciation; in putting oneself sympathetically +in another's position, and seeking to value the real worth of his work. +There are more lives spoiled by undue harshness, than by undue +gentleness. More good work is lost from want of appreciation than from +too much of it; and certainly it is not the function of friendship to +do the critic's work. Unless carefully repressed, such a spirit +becomes censorious, or, worse still, spiteful, and has often been the +means of losing a friend. It is possible to be kind, without giving +crooked counsel, or oily flattery; and it is possible to be true, +without magnifying faults, and indulging in cruel rebukes. + + +Besides the joy of friendship, and its aid in matters of counsel, a +third of its noble fruits is the direct _help_ it can give us in the +difficulties of life. It gives strength to the character. It sobers +and steadies through the responsibility for each other which it means. +When men face the world together, and are ready to stand shoulder to +shoulder, the sense of comradeship makes each strong. This help may +not often be called into play, but just to know that it is there if +needed is a great comfort, to know that if one fall the other will lift +him up. The very word friendship suggests kindly help and aid in +distress. Shakespeare applies the word in _King Lear_ to an inanimate +thing with this meaning of helpfulness,-- + + Gracious my lord, hard by here is a hovel; + Some _friendship_ will it lend you 'gainst the tempest. + +Sentiment does not amount to much, if it is not an inspiring force to +lead to gentle and to generous deeds, when there is need. The fight is +not so hard, when we know that we are not alone, but that there are +some who think of us, and pray for us, and would gladly help us if they +get the opportunity. + +Comradeship is one of the finest facts, and one of the strongest forces +in life. A mere strong man, however capable, and however singly +successful, is of little account by himself. There is no glamour of +romance in his career. The kingdom of Romance belongs to David, not to +Samson--to David, with his eager, impetuous, affectionate nature, for +whom three men went in the jeopardy of life to bring him a drink of +water; and all for love of him. It is not the self-centred, +self-contained hero, who lays hold of us; it is ever the comradeship of +heroes. Dumas' Three Musketeers (and the Gascon who made a greater +fourth), with their oath, "Each for all, and all for each," inherit +that kingdom of Romance, with all that ever have been tied in bands of +love. + +Robertson of Brighton in one of his letters tells how a friend of his +had, through cowardice or carelessness, missed an opportunity of +putting him right on a point with which he was charged, and so left him +defenceless against a slander. With his native sweetness of soul, he +contents himself with the exclamation, "How rare it is to have a friend +who will defend you thoroughly and boldly!" Yet that is just one of +the loyal things a friend can do, sometimes when it would be impossible +for a man himself to do himself justice with others. Some things, +needful to be said or done under certain circumstances, cannot be +undertaken without indelicacy by the person concerned, and the keen +instinct of a friend should tell him that he is needed. A little +thoughtfulness would often suggest things that could be done for our +friends, that would make them feel that the tie which binds us to them +is a real one. That man is rich indeed, who possesses thoughtful, +tactful friends, with whom he feels safe when present, and in whose +hands his honor is secure when absent. If there be no loyalty, there +can be no great friendship. Most of our friendships lack the +distinction of greatness, because we are not ready for little acts of +service. Without these our love dwindles down to a mere sentiment, and +ceases to be the inspiring force for good to both lives, which it was +at the beginning. + +The aid we may receive from friendship may be of an even more powerful, +because of a more subtle, nature than material help. It may be a +safeguard against temptation. The recollection of a friend whom we +admire is a great force to save us from evil, and to prompt us to good. +The thought of his sorrow in any moral break-down of ours will often +nerve us to stand firm. What would my friend think of me, if I did +this, or consented to this meanness? Could I look him in the face +again, and meet the calm pure gaze of his eye? Would it not be a blot +on our friendship, and draw a veil over our intercourse? No friendship +is worth the name which does not elevate, and does not help to nobility +of conduct and to strength of character. It should give a new zest to +duty, and a new inspiration to all that is good. + +Influence is the greatest of all human gifts, and we all have it in +some measure. There are some to whom we are something, if not +everything. There are some, who are grappled to us with hoops of +steel. There are some, over whom we have ascendency, or at least to +whom we have access, who have opened the gates of the City of Mansoul +to us, some we can sway with a word, a touch, a look. It must always +be a solemn thing for a man to ask what he has done with this dread +power of influence. For what has our friend to be indebted to us--for +good or for evil? Have we put on his armor, and sent him out with +courage and strength to the battle? Or have we dragged him down from +the heights to which he once aspired? We are face to face here with +the tragic possibilities of human intercourse. In all friendship we +open the gates of the city, and those who have entered must be either +allies in the fight, or treacherous foes. + +All the fruits of friendship, be they blessed or baneful, spring from +this root of influence, and influence in the long run is the impress of +our real character on other lives. Influence cannot rise above the +level of our lives. The result of our friendship on others will +ultimately be conditioned by the sort of persons we are. It adds a +very sacred responsibility to life. Here, as in other regions, a good +tree bringeth forth good fruit, but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil +fruit. + + + + +The Choice of Friendship + + +If thou findest a good man, rise up early in the morning to go to him, +and let thy feet wear the steps of his door. + +THE APOCRYPHAL BOOK OF ECCLESIASTICUS. + + + Whereof the man, that with me trod + This planet, was a noble type, + Appearing ere the times were ripe, + That friend of mine who lives with God. + + TENNYSON. + + + +The Choice of Friendship + +Our responsibility for our friendships is not confined to making sure +that our influence over others is for good. We have also a duty to +ourselves. As we possess the gift of influence over others, so we in +turn are affected by every life which touches ours. Influence is like +an atmosphere exhaled by each separate personality. Some men seem +neutral and colorless, with no atmosphere to speak of. Some have a bad +atmosphere, like the rank poisonous odor of noxious weeds, breeding +malaria. If our moral sense were only keen and true, we would +instinctively know them, as some children do, and dread their company. +Others have a good atmosphere; we can breathe there in safety, and have +a joyful sense of security. With some of these it is a local delicate +environment, sweet, suggestive, like the aroma of wild violets: we have +to look, and sometimes to stoop, to get into its range. With some it +is like a pine forest, or a eucalyptus grove of warmer climes, which +perfumes a whole country side. It is well to know such, Christ's +little ones and Christ's great ones. They put oxygen into the moral +atmosphere, and we breathe more freely for it. They give us new +insight, and fresh courage, and purer faith, and by the impulse of +their example inspire us to nobler life. + +There is nothing so important as the choice of friendship; for it both +reflects character and affects it. A man is known by the company he +keeps. This is an infallible test; for his thoughts, and desires, and +ambitions, and loves are revealed here. He gravitates naturally to his +congenial sphere. And it affects character; for it is the atmosphere +he breathes. It enters his blood and makes the circuit of his veins. +"All love assimilates to what it loves." A man is moulded into +likeness of the lives that come nearest him. It is at the point of the +emotions that he is most impressionable. The material surroundings, +the outside lot of a man, affects him, but after all that is mostly on +the outside; for the higher functions of life may be served in almost +any external circumstances. But the environment of other lives, the +communion of other souls, are far more potent facts. The nearer people +are to each other, and the less disguise there is in their +relationship, the more invariably will the law of spiritual environment +act. + +It seems a tragedy that people, who see each other as they are, become +like each other; and often it is a tragedy. But the law carries as +much hope in it as despair. If through it evil works havoc, through it +also good persists. If we are hindered by the weakness of our +associates, we are often helped by their goodness and sweetness. +Contact with a strong nature inspires us with strength. Some one once +asked Kingsley what was the secret of his strong joyous life, and he +answered, "I had a friend." If every evil man is a centre of +contagion, every good man is a centre of healing. He provides an +environment in which others can see God. Goodness creates an +atmosphere for other souls to be good. It is a priestly garment that +has virtue even for the finger that touches it. The earth has its +salt, and the world has its light, in the sweet souls, and winsome +lives, and Christ-like characters to be found in it. The choice of +friends is therefore one of the most serious affairs in life, just +because a man becomes moulden into the likeness of what he loves in his +friend. + +From the purely selfish standard, every fresh tie we form means giving +a new hostage to fortune, and adding a new risk to our happiness. +Apart from any moral evil, every intimacy is a danger of another blow +to the heart. But if we desire fulness of life, we cannot help +ourselves. A man may make many a friendship to his own hurt, but the +isolated life is a greater danger still. _Societas est mater +discordiarum_, which Scott in his humorous pathetic account of the +law-suits of Peter Peebles _versus_ Plainstanes in "Redgauntlet," +translates, Partnership oft makes pleaship. Every relationship means +risk, but we must take the risk; for while nearly all our sorrows come +from our connection with others, nearly all our joys have the same +source. We cannot help ourselves; for it is part of the great +discipline of life. Rather, we need knowledge, and care, and +forethought to enable us to make the best use of the necessities of our +nature. And foremost of these for importance is our choice of friends. + +We may err on the one side by being too cautious, and too exclusive in +our attachments. We may be supercilious, and disdainful in our +estimate of men. Contempt always blinds the eyes. Every man is +vulnerable somewhere, if only like Achilles in the heel. The true +secret of insight is not contempt, but sympathy. Such disdain usually +means putting all the eggs into one basket, when a smash spells ruin. + +The other extreme is the attitude, which easily makes many friends, +without much consideration of quality. We know the type of man, who is +friendly with everybody, and a friend of none. He is Hail fellow well +met! with every passing stranger, a boon companion of every wayfarer. +He takes up with every sort of casual comrade, and seeks to be on good +terms with everybody. He makes what is called, with a little contempt, +good company, and is a favorite on all light occasions. His affections +spread themselves out over a large expanse. He is easily consoled for +a loss, and easily attracted by a new attachment. And as he deals, so +is he dealt with. Many like him; few quite trust him. He makes many +friends, and is not particular about their quality. The law of +spiritual environment plays upon him with its relentless force. He +gives himself away too cheaply, and opens himself to all sorts of +influence. He is constantly laying himself in the way of temptation. +His mind takes on the opinions of his set: his character assimilates +itself to the forces that act on it. The evil example of some of his +intimates gradually breaks down the barriers of past training and +teaching. The desire to please a crowd means that principle is let +slip, and conscience ceases to be the standard of action. His very +friends are not true friends, being mostly of the fair-weather quality. + +Though it may seem difficult to avoid either of these two extremes, it +will not do to refuse to choose at all, and leave things to chance. We +drift into many of our connections with men, but the art of seamanship +is tested by sailing not by drifting. The subject of the choice of +friendship is not advanced much by just letting them choose us. That +is to become the victim, not the master of our circumstances. And +while it is true that we are acted on as much as we act, and are chosen +as much as we choose, it is not permitted to any one merely to be +passive, except at great cost. + +At the same time in the mystery of friendship we cannot say that we +went about with a touchstone testing all we met, till we found the ore +that would respond to our particular magnet. It is not that we said to +ourselves, Go to, we will choose a friend, and straightway made a +distinct election to the vacant throne of our heart. From one point of +view we were absolutely passive. Things arranged themselves without +effort, and by some subtle affinity we learned that we had gained a +friend. The history of every true friendship is the brief description +of Emerson, "My friends have come to me unsought; the great God gave +them to me." There was an element of necessity in this, as in all +crises of life. + +Does it therefore seem absurd and useless to speak about the choice of +friendship at all? By no means, because the principles we set before +ourselves will determine the kind of friends we have, as truly as if +the whole initiative lay with us. We are chosen for the same reason +for which we would choose. To try to separate the two processes is to +make the same futile distinction, on a lower scale, so often made +between choosing God and being chosen by Him. It is futile, because +the distinction cannot be maintained. + +Besides, the value of having some definite principle by which to test +friendship is not confined to the positive attachments made. The +necessity for a system of selection is largely due to the necessity for +rejection. The good and great intimacies of our life will perhaps come +to us, as the wind bloweth, we cannot tell how. But by regulating our +course wisely, we will escape from hampering our life by mistakes, and +weakening it with false connections. We ought to be courteous, and +kind, and gentle with all, but not to all can we open the sanctuary of +our heart. + +We have a graduated scale of intimacy, from introduction, and nodding +acquaintance, and speaking acquaintance, through an endless series of +kinds of intercourse to the perfect friendship. In counting up our +gains and our resources, we cannot give them all the same value, +without deceiving ourselves. To expect loyalty and devotion from all +alike is to court disappointment. Most misanthropical and cynical +estimates of man are due to this mingled ignorance and conceit. We +cannot look for undying affection from the crowd we may happen to have +entertained to dinner, or have rubbed shoulders with at business +resorts or at social gatherings. Many men in life, as many are +depicted in literature, have played the misanthrope, because they have +discovered through adversity how many of their associates were +fair-weather friends. In their prosperity they encouraged toadying and +sycophancy. They liked to have hangers-on, who would flatter, and when +the east wind blows they are indignant that their circle should prefer +to avoid it. + +Shakespeare's Timon of Athens is a typical misanthrope in his virtuous +indignation at the cat-like love of men for comfort. In his prosperity +crowds of glass-faced flatterers bent before him, and were made rich in +Timon's nod. He wasted his substance in presents and hospitality, and +bred a fine race of parasites and trencher-friends. When he spent all +and began to be in want, no man gave unto him. The winter shower drove +away the summer flies. He had loved the reputation for splendid +liberality, and lavish generosity, and had sought to be a little god +among men, bestowing favors and receiving homage, all of which was only +a more subtle form of selfishness. When the brief day of prosperity +passed, men shut their doors against the setting sun. The smooth and +smilling crowd dropped off with a shrug, and Timon went to the other +extreme of misanthropy, declaimed against friendship, and cursed men +for their ingratitude. But after all he got what he had paid for. He +thought he had been buying the hearts of men, and found that he had +only bought their mouths, and tongues, and eyes. + +"He that loves to be flattered is worthy of the flatterer." For moral +value there is not much to choose between them. Rats are said to +desert the sinking ship, which is not to be wondered at in rats. The +choice of friendship does not mean the indiscriminate acceptance of all +who are willing to assume the name of friend. A touch of east wind is +good, not only to weed out the false and test the true, but also to +brace a man to the stern realities of life. When we find that some of +our intimates are dispersed by adversity, instead of raving against the +world's ingratitude like Timon, we should be glad that now we know whom +exactly we can trust. + +Another common way of choosing friends, and one which also meets with +its own fitting reward, is the selfish method of valuing men according +to their usefulness to us. To add to their credit, or reputation, some +are willing to include anybody in their list of intimates. For +business purposes even, men will sometimes run risks, by endangering +the peace of their home and the highest interests of those they love; +they are ready to introduce into their family circle men whom they +distrust morally, because they think they can make some gain out of the +connection. + +All the stupid snobbishness, and mean tuft-hunting so common, are due +to the same desire to make use of people in some way or other. It is +an abuse of the word friendship to apply it to such social scrambling. +Of course, even tuft-hunting may be only a perverted desire after what +we think the best, a longing to get near those we consider of nobler +nature and larger mind than common associates. It may be an +instinctive agreement with Plato's definition of the wise man, as ever +wanting to be with him who is better than himself. But in its usual +form it becomes an unspeakable degradation, inducing servility, and +lick-spittle humility, and all the vices of the servile mind. There +can never be true friendship without self-respect, and unless soul +meets soul free from self-seeking. If we had higher standards for +ourselves, if we lived to God and not to men, we would also find that +in the truest sense we would live with men. We need not go out of our +way to ingratiate ourselves with anybody. Nothing can make up for the +loss of independence and native dignity of soul. It is not for a man, +made in the image of God, to grovel, and demean himself before his +fellow creatures. + +After all it defeats itself; for there can only be friendship _between +equals_. This does not mean equals in what is called social position, +nor even in intellectual attainments, though these naturally have +weight, but it means equality which has a spiritual source. Can two +walk together, except they be agreed? Nor does it mean identity, nor +even likeness. Indeed, for the highest unity there must be difference, +the difference of free beings, with will, and conscience, and mind +unhampered. We often make much of our differences, forgetting that +really we differ, and _can_ differ, only because we agree. Without +many points of contact, there could be no divergence from these. +Argument and contradiction of opinion are the outcome of difference, +and yet for argument there is needed a common basis. We cannot even +discuss, unless we meet on some mental ground common to both +disputants. So there may be, nay, for the highest union there must be, +a great general conformity behind the distinctions, a deep underlying +common basis beneath the unlikeness. And for true union of hearts, +this equality must have a spiritual source. If then there must be some +spiritual affinity, agreement in what is best and highest in each, we +can see the futility of most of the selfish attempts to make capital +out of our intercourse. Our friends will be, because they must be, our +equals. We can never have a nobler intimacy, until we are made fit for +it. + +All connections based on selfishness, either on personal pleasure or on +usefulness, are accidental. They are easily dissolved, because, when +the pleasure or the utility ceases, the bond ceases. When the motive +of the friendship is removed, the friendship itself disappears. The +perfect friendship is grounded on what is permanent, on goodness, on +character. It is of much slower growth, since it takes some time to +really find out the truly lovable things in a life, but it is lasting, +since the foundation is stable. + +The most important point, then, about the choice of friendship is that +we should know what to reject. Countless attractions come to us on the +lower plane. A man may be attracted by what his own conscience tells +him to be unworthy. He may have slipped gradually into companionship +with some, whose influence is even evil. He may have got, almost +without his own will, into a set which is deteriorating his life and +character. He knows the fruits of his weakness, in the lowering of the +moral tone, in the slackening grip of the conscience, in the looser +flow of the blood. He has become pliant in will, feeble in purpose, +and flaccid in character. Every man has a duty to himself to be his +own best self, and he can never be that under the spell of evil +companionship. + +Some men mix in doubtful company, and say that they have no Pharisaic +exclusiveness, and even sometimes defend themselves by Christ's +example, who received sinners and ate with them. The comparison +borders on blasphemy. It depends on the purpose, for which sinners are +received. Christ never joined in their sin, but went to save them from +their sin; and wickedness could not lift its head in His presence. +Some seek to be initiated into the mysteries of iniquity, in idle or +morbid curiosity, perhaps to write a realistic book, or to see life, as +it is called. There is often a prurient desire to explore the tracts +of sin, as if information on such subjects meant wisdom. If men are +honest with themselves, they will admit that they join the company of +sinners, for the relish they have for the sin. We must first obey the +moral command to come out from among them and be separate, before it is +possible for us to meet them like Christ. Separateness of soul is the +law of holiness. Of Christ, of whom it was said that this man +receiveth sinners, it was also said that He was separate from sinners. +The knowledge of wickedness is not wisdom, neither is the counsel of +sinners prudence. Most young men know the temptation here referred to, +the curiosity to learn the hidden things, and to have the air of those +who know the world. + +If we have gone wrong here, and have admitted into the sanctuary of our +lives influences that make for evil, we must break away from them at +all costs. The sweeter and truer relationships of our life should arm +us for the struggle, the prayers of a mother, the sorrow of true +friends. This is the fear, countless times, in the hearts of the folks +at home when their boy leaves them to win his way in the city, the +deadly fear lest he should fall into evil habits, and into the clutches +of evil men. They know that there are men whose touch, whose words, +whose very look, is contamination. To give them entrance into our +lives is to submit ourselves to the contagion of sin. + +Friends should be chosen by a higher principle of selection than any +worldly one, of pleasure, or usefulness, or by weak submission to the +evil influences of our lot. They should be chosen for character, for +goodness, for truth and trustworthiness, because they have sympathy +with us in our best thoughts and holiest aspirations, because they have +community of mind in the things of the soul. All other connections are +fleeting and imperfect from the nature of the case. A relationship +based on the physical withers when the first bloom fades: a +relationship founded on the intellectual is only a little more secure, +as it too is subject to caprice. All purely earthly partnerships, like +all earthly treasures, are exposed to decay, the bite of the moth and +the stain of the rust; and they must all have an end. + +A young man may get opposing advice from two equally trusted +counsellors. One will advise him to cultivate the friendship of the +clever, because they will afterward occupy places of power in the +world: the other will advise him to cultivate the friendship of the +good, because if they do not inherit the earth, they aspire to the +heavens. If he knows the character of the two counsellors, he will +understand why they should look upon life from such different +standpoints; and later on he will find that while some of his friends +were both clever and good, not one of the purely intellectual +friendships remains to him. It does not afford a sufficient basis of +agreement, to stand the tear and wear of life. The basis of friendship +must be community of soul. + +The only permanent severance of heart comes through lack of a common +spiritual footing. If one soul goes up the mountain top, and the other +stays down among the shadows, if the two have not the same high +thoughts, and pure desires, and ideals of service, they cannot remain +together except in form. Friends need not be identical in temperament +and capacity, but they must be alike in sympathy. An unequal yoke +becomes either an intolerable burden, or will drag one of the partners +away from the path his soul at its best would have loved to tread. + + If you loved only what were worth your love, + Love were clear gain, and wholly well for you. + +If we choose our friends in Christ, neither here, nor ever, need we +fear parting, and will have the secure joy and peace which come from +having a friend who is as one's own soul. + + + + +The Eclipse of Friendship + + + For Lycidas is dead, dead ere his prime, + Young Lycidas, and hath not left his pew. + + * * * * * * + + Weep no more, woeful shepherds, weep no more + For Lycidas, your sorrow, is not dead. + Sunk though he be beneath the watery flow. + So sinks the day-star in the ocean bed, + And yet anon repairs his drooping head, + And tricks his beams, and with new-spangled ore + Flames in the forehead of the morning sky: + So Lycidas sunk low, but mounted high, + Through the dear might of Him that walked the waves. + + MILTON. + + + +The Eclipse of Friendship + +As it is one of the greatest joys of life when a kindred soul is for +the first time recognized and claimed, so it is one of the bitterest +moments of life when the first rupture is made of the ties which bind +us to other lives. Before it comes, it is hard to believe that it is +possible, if we ever think of it at all. When it does come, it is +harder still to understand the meaning of the blow. The miracle of +friendship seemed too fair, to carry in its bosom the menace of its +loss. We knew, of course, that such things had been, and must be, but +we never quite realized what it would be to be the victims of the +common doom of man. + +If it only came as a sudden pain, that passes after its brief spasm of +agony, it would not be so sore an affliction; but when it comes, it +comes to stay. There remains a place in our hearts which is tender to +every touch, and it is touched so often. We survive the shock of the +moment easier than the constant reminder of our loss. The old familiar +face, debarred to the sense of sight, can be recalled by a stray word, +a casual sight, a chance memory. The closer the intercourse had been, +the more things there are in our lives associated with him--things that +we did together, places that we visited together, thoughts even that we +thought together. + +There seems no region of life where we can escape from the suggestions +of memory. The sight of any little object can bring him back, with his +way of speaking, with his tricks of gesture, with all the qualities for +which we loved him, and for which we mourn him now. If the intimacy +was due to mere physical proximity, the loss will be only a vague sense +of uneasiness through the breakdown of long-continued habit; but, if +the two lives were woven into the same web, there must be ragged edges +left, and it is a weary task to take up the threads again, and find a +new woof for the warp. The closer the connection has been, the keener +is the loss. It comes back to us at the sight of the many things +associated with him, and, fill up our lives with countless distractions +as we may, the shadow creeps back to darken the world. + +Sometimes there is the added pain of remorse that we did not enough +appreciate the treasure we possessed. In thoughtlessness we accepted +the gift; we had so little idea of the true value of his friendship; we +loved so little, and were so impatient:--if only we had him back again; +if only we had one more opportunity to show him how dear he was; if +only we had another chance of proving ourselves worthy. We can hardly +forgive ourselves that we were so cold and selfish. Self-reproach, the +regret of the unaccepted opportunity, is one of the commonest feelings +after bereavement, and it is one of the most blessed. + +Still, it may become a morbid feeling. It is a false sentimentalism +which lives in the past, and lavishes its tenderness on memory. It is +difficult to say what is the dividing line between healthy sorrow and +morbid sentiment. It seems a natural instinct, which makes the +bereaved care lovingly for the very grave, and which makes the mother +keep locked up the little shoes worn by the little feet, relics hid +from the vulgar eye. The instinct has become a little more morbid, +when it has preserved the room of a dead mother, with its petty +decorations and ornaments as she left them. Beautiful as the instinct +may be, there is nothing so dangerous as when our most natural feeling +turns morbid. + +It is always a temptation, which grows stronger the longer we live, to +look back instead of forward, to bemoan the past, and thus deride the +present and distrust the future. We must not forget our present +blessings, the love we still possess, the gracious influences that +remain, and most of all the duties that claim our strength. The loving +women who went early in the morning to the sepulchre of the buried +Christ were met with a rebuke, "Why seek ye the living among the dead?" +They were sent back to life to find Him, and sent back to life to do +honor to His death. Not by ointments and spices, however precious, nor +at the rock-hewn tomb, could they best remember their Lord; but out in +the world, which that morning had seemed so cold and cheerless, and in +their lives, which then had seemed not worth living. + +Christianity does not condemn any natural human feeling, but it will +not let these interfere with present duty and destroy future +usefulness. It does not send men to search for the purpose of living +in the graves of their dead hopes and pleasures. Its disciples must +not attempt to live on the relics of even great incidents, among +crucifixes and tombs. In the Desert, the heart must reach forward to +the Promised Land, and not back to Egypt. The Christian faith is for +the future, because it believes in the God of the future. The world is +not a lumber room, full of relics and remembrances, over which to +brood. We are asked to remember the beautiful past which was ours, and +the beautiful lives which we have lost, by making the present beautiful +like it, and our lives beautiful like theirs. It is human to think +that life has no future, if now it seems "dark with griefs and graves." +It comes like a shock to find that we must bury our sorrow, and come +into contact with the hard world again, and live our common life once +more. The Christian learns to do it, not because he has a short +memory, but because he has a long faith. The voice of inspiration is +heard oftener through the realities of life, than through vain regrets +and recluse dreams. The Christian life must be in its degree something +like the Master's own life, luminous with His hope, and surrounded by a +bracing atmosphere which uplifts all who even touch its outer fringe. + + +The great fact of life, nevertheless, is death, and it must have a +purpose to serve and a lesson to teach. It seems to lose something of +its impressiveness, because it is universal. The very inevitableness +of it seems to kill thought, rather than induce it. It is only when +the blow strikes home, that we are pulled up and forced to face the +fact. Theoretically there is a wonderful unanimity among men, +regarding the shortness of life and the uncertainty of all human +relationships. The last word of the wise on life has ever been its +fleetingness, its appalling changes, its unexpected surprises. The +only certainty of life is its uncertainty--its unstable tenure, its +inevitable end. But practically we go on as if we could lay our plans, +and mortgage time, without doubt or danger; until our feet are knocked +from under us by some sudden shock, and we realize how unstable the +equilibrium of life really is. The lesson of life is death. + +The experience would not be so tragically universal, if it had not a +good and necessary meaning. For one thing it should sober us, and make +our lives full of serious, solemn purpose. It should teach us to +number our days that we may apply our hearts to wisdom. The man, who +has no place for death in his philosophy, has not learned to live. The +lesson of death is life. + +On the whole, however, it is not our own liability to death which +oppresses us. The fear of it to a brave man, not to speak of a man of +faith, can be overcome. It is the fear of it _for others_ whom we +love, which is its sting. And none of us can live very long without +knowing in our own heart's experience the reality, as well as the +terror, of death. This too has its meaning for us, to look at life +more tenderly, and touch it more gently. The pathos of life is only a +forced sentiment to us, if we have not felt the pity of life. To a +sensitive soul, smarting with his own loss, the world sometimes seems +full of graves, and for a time at least makes him walk softly among men. + +This is one reason why the making of new friends is so much easier in +youth than later on. Friendship comes to youth seemingly without any +conditions, and without any fears. There is no past to look back at, +with much regret and some sorrow. We never look behind us, _till we +miss something_. Youth is satisfied with the joy of present +possession. To the young friendship comes as the glory of spring, a +very miracle of beauty, a mystery of birth: to the old it has the bloom +of autumn, beautiful still, but with the beauty of decay. To the young +it is chiefly hope: to the old it is mostly memory. The man who is +conscious that he has lost the best of his days, the best of his +powers, the best of his friends, naturally lives a good deal in the +past. + +Such a man is prepared for further losses; he has adjusted himself to +the fact of death. At first, we cannot believe that it can happen to +us and to our love; or, if the thought comes to us, it is an event too +far in the future to ruffle the calm surface of our heart. And yet, it +must come; from it none can escape. Most can remember a night of +waiting, too stricken for prayer, too numb of heart even for feeling, +vaguely expecting the blow to strike us out of the dark. A strange +sense of the unreality of things came over us, when the black wave +submerged us and passed on. We went out into the sunshine, and it +seemed to mock us. We entered again among the busy ways of men, and +the roar of life beat upon our brain and heart, + + Yet in these ears, till hearing dies, + One set slow bell will seem to toll, + The passing of the sweetest soul + That ever looked with human eyes. + + +Was it worth while to have linked our lives on to other lives, and laid +ourselves open to such desolation? Would it not be better to go +through the world, without joining ourselves too closely to the +fleeting bonds of other loves? Why deliberately add to our +disabilities? But it is not a disability; rather, the great purpose of +all our living is to learn love, even though we must experience the +pains of love as well as the joys. To cut ourselves off from this lot +of the human would be to impoverish our lives, and deprive ourselves of +the culture of the heart, which, if a man has not learned, he has +learned nothing. Whatever the risks to our happiness, we cannot stand +out from the lot of man, without ceasing to be men in the only true +sense. + +It is not easy to solve the problem of sorrow. Indeed there is no +solution of it, unless the individual soul works out its own solution. +Most attempts at a philosophy of sorrow just end in high-sounding +words. Explanations, which profess to cover all the ground, are as +futile as the ordinary blundering attempts at comfort, which only charm +ache with sound and patch grief with proverbs. The sorrow of our +hearts is not appreciably lessened by argument. Any kind of +philosophy--any wordy explanation of the problem--is at the best poor +comfort. It is not the problem which brings the pain in the first +instance: it is the pain which brings the problem. The heart's +bitterness is not allayed by an exposition of the doctrine of +providence. Rachel who weeps for her children, the father whose little +daughter lies dead at home, are not to be appeased in their anguish by +a nicely-balanced system of thought. Nor is surcease of sorrow thus +brought to the man to whom has come a bereavement, or a succession of +bereavements, which makes him feel that all the glory and joy of life, +its friendship and love and hope, have gone down into the grave, so +that he can say, + + Three dead men have I loved, + And thou wert last of the three. + + +At the same time, if it be true that there is a meaning in friendship, +a spiritual discipline to educate the heart and train the life, it must +also be true that there is equally a meaning in the eclipse of +friendship. If we have enough faith to see death to be good, we will +find out for ourselves why it is good. It may teach us just what we +were in danger of forgetting, some omission in our lives, which was +making them shallow and poor. It may be to one a sight into the +mystery of sin; to another a sight into the mystery of love. To one it +comes with the lesson of patience, which is only a side of the lesson +of faith; to another it brings the message of sympathy. As we turn the +subject toward the light, there come gleams of color from different +facets of it. + +All life is an argument for death. We cannot persist long in the +effort to live the Christian life, without feeling the need for death. +The higher the aims, and the truer the aspirations, the greater is the +burden of living, until it would become intolerable. Sooner or later +we are forced to make the confession of Job, "I would not live alway." +To live forever in this sordidness, to have no reprieve from the doom +of sin, no truce from the struggle of sin, would be a fearful fate. + +To the Christian, therefore, death cannot be looked on as evil; first, +because it is universal, and it is universal because it is +God-ordained. In St. Peter's, at Rome, there are many tombs, in which +death is symbolized in its traditional form as a skeleton, with the +fateful hourglass and the fearful scythe. Death is the rude reaper, +who cruelly cuts off life and all the joy of life. But there is one in +which death is sculptured as a sweet gentle motherly woman, who takes +her wearied child home to safer and surer keeping. It is a truer +thought than the other. Death is a minister of God, doing His +pleasure, and doing us good. + +Again, it cannot be evil because it means a fuller life, and therefore +an opportunity for fuller and further service. Faith will not let a +man hasten the climax; for it is in the hands of love, as he himself +is. But death is the climax of life. For if all life is an argument +for death, then so also all death is an argument for life. + +Jowett says, in one of his letters, "I cannot sympathize in all the +grounds of consolation that are sometimes offered on these melancholy +occasions, but there are two things which have always seemed to me +unchangeable: first, that the dead are in the hands of God, who can do +for them more than we can ask or have; and secondly, with respect to +ourselves, that such losses deepen our views of life, and make us feel +that we would not always be here." These are two noble grounds of +consolation, and they are enough. + +Death is the great argument for immortality. We cannot believe that +the living, loving soul has ceased to be. We cannot believe that all +those treasures of mind and heart are squandered in empty air. We will +not believe it. When once we understand the meaning of the spiritual, +we see the absolute certainty of eternal life; we need no arguments for +the persistence of being. + +To appear for a little time and then vanish away, is the outward +biography of all men, a circle of smoke that breaks, a bubble on the +stream that bursts, a spark put out by a breath. + +But there is another biography, a deeper and a permanent one, the +biography of the soul. Everything that _appears_ vanishes away: that +is its fate, the fate of the everlasting hills as well as of the vapor +that caps them. But that which does not appear, the spiritual and +unseen, which we in our folly sometimes doubt because it does not +appear, is the only reality; it is eternal and passeth not away. The +material in nature is only the garb of the spiritual, as speech is the +clothing of thought. With our vulgar standards we often think of the +thought as the unsubstantial and the shadowy, and the speech as the +real. But speech dies upon the passing wind; the thought alone +remains. We consider the sound to be the music, whereas it is only the +expression of the music, and vanishes away. Behind the material world, +which waxes old as a garment, there is an eternal principle, the +thought of God it represents. Above the sounds there is the music that +can never die. Beneath our lives, which vanish away, there is a vital +thing, spirit. We cannot locate it and put our finger on it; that is +why it is permanent. The things we can put our finger on are the +things which appear, and therefore which fade and die. + +So, death to the spiritual mind is only _eclipse_. When there is an +eclipse of the sun it does not mean that the sun is blotted out of the +heavens: it only means that there is a temporary obstruction between it +and us. If we wait a little, it passes. Love cannot die. Its forms +may change, even its objects, but its life is the life of the universe. +It is not death, but sleep: not loss, but eclipse. The love is only +transfigured into something more ethereal and heavenly than ever +before. Happy to have friends on earth, but happier to have friends in +heaven. + +And it need not be even eclipse, except in outward form. Communion +with the unseen can mean true correspondence with all we have loved and +lost, if only our souls were responsive. The highest love is not +starved by the absence of its object; it rather becomes more tender and +spiritual, with more of the ideal in it. Ordinary affection, on a +lower plane, dependent on physical attraction, or on the earthly side +of life, naturally crumbles to dust when its foundation is removed. +But love is independent of time or space, and as a matter of fact is +purified and intensified by absence. Separation of friends is not a +physical thing. Lives can be sundered as if divided by infinite +distance, even although materially they are near each other. This +tragedy is often enough enacted in our midst. + +The converse is also true; so that friendship does not really lose by +death: it lays up treasure in heaven, and leaves the very earth a +sacred place, made holy by happy memories. "The ruins of Time build +mansions in Eternity," said William Blake, speaking of the death of a +loved brother, with whose spirit he never ceased to converse. There +are people in our homes and our streets whose highest life is with the +dead. They live in another world. We can see in their eyes that their +hearts are not here. It is as if they already saw the land that is +very far off. It is only far off to our gross insensate senses. + +The spiritual world is not outside this earth of ours. It includes it +and pervades it, finding a new centre for a new circumference in every +loving soul that has eyes to see the Kingdom. So, to hold commerce +with the dead is not a mere figure of speech. Heaven lies about us not +only in our infancy, but all our lives. We blind ourselves with dust, +and in our blindness lay hold feverishly of the outside of life, +mistaking the fugitive and evanescent for the truly permanent. If we +only used our capacities we would take a more enlightened view of +death. We would see it to be the entrance into a more radiant and a +more abundant life not only for the friend that goes first, but for the +other left behind. + +Spiritual communion cannot possibly be interrupted by a physical +change. It is because there is so little of the spiritual in our +ordinary intercourse that death means silence and an end to communion. +There is a picture of death, which, when looked at with the ordinary +perspective, seems to be a hideous skull, but when seen near at hand is +composed of flowers, with the eyes, in the seemingly empty sockets of +the skull, formed by two fair faces of children. Death at a distance +looks horrible, the ghastly spectre of the race; but with the near +vision it is beautiful with youth and flowers, and when we look into +its eyes we look into the stirrings of life. + +Love is the only permanent relationship among men, and the permanence +is not an accident of it, but is of its very essence. When released +from the mere magnetism of sense, instead of ceasing to exist, it only +then truly comes into its largest life. If our life were more a life +in the spirit, we would be sure that death can be at the worst but the +eclipse of friendship. Tennyson felt this truth in his own experience, +and expressed it in noble form again and again in _In Memoriam_-- + + Sweet human hand and lips and eye, + Dear heavenly friend that canst not die; + + Strange friend, past, present, and to be; + Loved deeplier, darklier understood; + Behold I dream a dream of good, + And mingle all the world with thee. + + Thy voice is on the rolling air; + I hear thee where the waters run; + Thou standest in the rising sun, + And in the setting thou art fair. + +It is not loss, but momentary eclipse, and the final issue is a clearer +perception of immortal love, and a deeper consciousness of eternal life. + +The attitude of mind, therefore, in any such bereavement--sore as the +first stroke must be, since we are so much the creatures of habit, and +it is hard to adjust ourselves to the new relationship--cannot be an +attitude merely of resignation. That was the extent to which the +imperfect revelation of the Old Testament brought men. They had to +rest in their knowledge of God's faithfulness and goodness. The limit +of their faith was, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away." But +to resignation we can add joy. "Not dead, but sleepeth," said the +Master of death and life to a sorrowing man. + +For one thing it must mean the hallowing of memory. The eclipse of +love makes the love fairer when the eclipse passes. The loss of the +outward purifies the affection and softens the heart. It brings out +into fact what was often only latent in feeling. Memory adds a tender +glory to the past. We only think of the virtues of the dead: we forget +their faults. This is as it should be. We rightly love the immortal +part of them; the fire has burned up the dross and left pure gold. If +it is idealization, it represents that which will be, and that which +really is. + +We do not ask to forget; we do not want the so-called consolations +which time brings. Such an insult to the past, as forgetfulness would +be, means that we have not risen to the possibilities of communion of +spirit afforded us in the present. We would rather that the wound +should be ever fresh than that the image of the dear past should fade. +It would be a loss to our best life if it would fade. There is no +sting in such a faith. Such remembrance as this, which keeps the heart +green, will not cumber the life. True sentiment does not weaken, but +becomes an inspiration to make our life worthy of our love. It can +save even a squalid lot from sordidness; for however poor we may be in +the world's goods, we are rich in happy associations in the past, and +in sweet communion in the present, and in blessed hope for the future. + + + + +The Wreck of Friendship + + + They parted--ne'er to meet again! + But never either found another + To free the hollow heart from paining-- + They stood aloof, the scars remaining, + Like cliffs which had been rent asunder, + A dreary sea now rolls between; + But neither heat, nor frost, nor thunder, + Shall wholly do away, I ween, + The marks of that which once hath been. + + COLERIDGE, Christabel. + + + +The Wreck of Friendship + +The eclipse of friendship through death is not nearly so sad as the +many ways in which friendship may be wrecked. There are worse losses +than the losses of death; and to bury a friendship is a keener grief +than to bury a friend. The latter softens the heart and sweetens the +life, while the former hardens and embitters. The Persian poet Hafiz +says, "Thou learnest no secret until thou knowest friendship; since to +the unloving no heavenly knowledge enters." But so imperfect are our +human relationships, that many a man has felt that he has bought his +knowledge too dearly. Few of us go through the world without some +scars on the heart, which even yet throb if the finger of memory touch +them. In spite of all that has been said, and may be said in praise of +this golden friendship, it has been too often found how vain is the +help of man. The deepest tragedies of life have been the failure of +this very relationship. + +In one way or other the loss of friendship comes to all. The shores of +life are strewn with wrecks. The convoy which left the harbor gaily in +the sunshine cannot all expect to arrive together in the haven. There +are the danger of storms and collisions, the separation of the night, +and even at the best, if accidents never occur, the whole company +cannot all keep up with the speed of the swiftest. + +There is a certain pathos in all loss, but there is not always pain in +it, or at least it is of varied quality and extent. Some losses are +natural and unavoidable, quite beyond our control, the result of +resistless change. Some loss is even the necessary accompaniment of +gain. The loss of youth with all its possessions is the gain of +manhood and womanhood. A man must put away childish things, the speech +and understanding and thought of a child. So the loss of some +friendship comes as a part of the natural course of things, and is +accepted without mutilating the life. + +Many of our connections with people are admittedly casual and +temporary. They exist for mutual convenience through common interest +at the time, or common purpose, or common business. None of the +partners asks for more than the advantage each derives from the +connection. When it comes to an end, we let slip the cable easily, and +say good-bye with a cheery wave. With many people we meet and part in +all friendliness and good feeling, and will be glad to meet again, but +the parting does not tear our affections by the roots. When the +business is transacted the tie is loosed, and we each go our separate +ways without much regret. + +At other times there is no thought of gain, except the mutual advantage +of conversation or companionship. We are pleasant to each other, and +enjoy the intercourse of kindred tastes. Most of us have some pleasant +recollections of happy meetings with interesting people, perhaps on +holiday times, when we felt we would be glad to see them again if +fortune turned round the wheel again to the same place; but, though +hardly ever did it come about that an opportunity of meeting has +occurred, we do not feel that our life is much the poorer for the loss. + +Also, we _grow_ out of some of our friendships. This is to be +expected, since so many of them are formed thoughtlessly, or before we +really knew either ourselves or our friends. They never meant very +much to us. Most boyish friendships as a rule do not last long, +because they are not based on the qualities which wear well. Schoolboy +comradeships are usually due to propinquity rather than to character. +They are the fruit of accident rather than of affinity of soul. Boys +grow out of these as they grow out of their clothes. Now and again +they suffer from growing pains, but it is more discomfort than anything +else. + +It is sad to look back and realize how few of one's early +companionships remain, but it is not possible to blame either party for +the loss. Distance, separation of interest, difference of work, all +operate to divide. When athletics seemed the end of existence, +friendship was based on football and baseball. But as life opens out, +other standards are set up, and a new principle of selection takes its +place. When the world is seen to be more than a ball-ground, when it +is recognized to be a stage oh which men play many parts, a new sort of +intimacy is demanded, and it does not follow that it will be with the +same persons. Such loss as this is the condition which accompanies the +gain of growth. + +There is more chance for the permanence of friendships formed a little +later. It must not be too long after this period, however; for, when +the generous time of youth has wholly passed, it becomes hard to make +new connections. Men get over-burdened with cares and personal +concerns, and grow cautious about making advances. In youth the heart +is responsive and ready to be generous, and the hand aches for the +grasp of a comrade's hand, and the mind demands fellowship in the great +thoughts that are beginning to dawn upon it. The closest friendships +are formed early in life, just because then we are less cautious, more +open to impressions, and readier to welcome self-revelations. After +middle life a man does not find it easy to give himself away, and keeps +a firmer hand on his feelings. Whatever are the faults of youth, it is +unworldly in its estimates as a rule, and uncalculating in its thoughts +of the future. + +The danger to such friendship is the danger of just letting it lapse. +As life spreads out before the eager feet, new interests crop up, new +relations are formed, and the old tie gets worn away, from want of +adding fresh strands to it. We may believe the advice about not +forsaking an old friend because the new is not comparable to him, but +we can neglect it by merely letting things slip past, which if used +would be a new bond of union. + +As it is easier for some temperaments to make friends, it is easier for +some dispositions to keep them. Little faults of manner, little +occasions of thoughtlessness, or lack of the little courtesies, do more +to separate people than glaring mistakes. There are some men so built +that it is difficult to remain on very close terms with them, there are +so many corners to knock against. Even strength of character, if +unmodified by sweetness of disposition, adds to the difficulty of +pulling together. Strong will can so easily develop into self-will; +decision can become dogmatism; wit, the salt of conversation, loses its +savor when it becomes ill-natured; a faculty for argument is in danger +of being mere quarrelsomeness. + +The ordinary amenities of life must be preserved among friends. We can +never feel very safe with the man whose humor tends to bitter speaking +or keen sarcasm, or with the man who flares up into hasty speech at +every or no provocation, or with the man who is argumentative and +assertive,-- + + Who 'd rather on a gibbet dangle + Than miss his dear delight to wrangle. + +There are more breaches of the peace among friends through sins of +speech, than from any other cause. We do not treat our friends with +enough respect. We make the vulgar mistake of looking upon the common +as if it were therefore cheap in nature. We ought rather to treat our +friend with a sort of sacred familiarity, as if we appreciated the +precious gift his friendship is. + +Every change in a man's life brings a risk of letting go something of +the past, which it is a loss to part with. A change of work, or a +change of residence, or entrance into a larger sphere, brings a certain +engrossment which leads to neglect of the richest intercourse in the +past life. To many a man, even marriage has had a drop of bitterness +in it, because it has somehow meant the severing of old and sacred +links. This may be due to the vulgar reason of wives' quarrels, the +result of petty jealousy; but it may be due also to pre-occupation and +a subtle form of selfishness. The fire needs to be kept alive with +fuel. To preserve it, there must be forethought, and care, and love +expended as before. + +Friendship may lapse through the _misfortune of distance_. Absence +does not always make the heart grow fonder. It only does so, when the +heart is securely fixed, and when it is a heart worth fixing. More +often the other proverb is truer, that it is out of sight out of mind. +It is so easy for a man to become self-centred, and to impoverish his +affections through sheer neglect. Ties once close get frayed and +strained till they break, and we discover that we have said farewell to +the past. Some kind of intercourse is needed to maintain friendship. +There is a pathos about this gradual drifting away of lives, borne from +each other, it sometimes seems, by opposing tides, as if a resistless +power separated them, + + And bade betwixt their souls to be + The unplumbed, salt, estranging sea. + + +Or friendship may lapse through the _fault of silence_. The misfortune +of distance may be overcome by love, but the fault of silence crushes +out feeling as the falling rain kills the kindling beacon. Even the +estrangements and misunderstandings which will arise to all could not +long remain, where there is a frank and candid interchange of thought. +Hearts grow cold toward each other through neglect. There is a +suggestive word from the old Scandinavian _Edda_, "Go often to the +house of thy friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path." It is +hard to overcome again the alienation caused by neglect; for there +grows up a sense of resentment and injured feeling. + +Among the petty things which wreck friendships, none is so common and +so unworthy as money. It is pitiable that it should be so. Thackeray +speaks of the remarkable way in which a five-pound note will break up a +half-century's attachment between two brethren, and it is a common +cynical remark of the world that the way to lose a friend is to lend +him money. There is nothing which seems to affect the mind more, and +color the very heart's blood, than money. There seems a curse in it +sometimes, so potent is it for mischief. Poverty, if it be too +oppressive grinding down the face, may often hurt the heart-life; but +perhaps oftener still it only reveals what true treasures there are in +the wealth of the affections. Whereas, we know what heartburnings, and +rivalries, and envyings, are occasioned by this golden apple of +discord. Most of the disputes which separate brethren are about the +dividing of the inheritance, and it does seem to be the case that few +friendships can survive the test of money. + + Neither a borrower, nor a lender be; + For loan oft loses both itself and friend. + +There must be something wrong with the friendship which so breaks down. +It ought to be able to stand a severer strain than that. But the inner +reason of the failure is often that there has been a moral degeneracy +going on, and a weakening of the fibre of character on one side, or on +both sides. The particular dispute, whether it be about money or about +anything else, is only the occasion which reveals the slackening of the +morale. The innate delicacy and self-respect of the friend who asks +the favor may have been damaged through a series of similar +importunities, or there may have been a growing hardness of heart and +selfishness in the friend who refuses the request. Otherwise, if two +are on terms of communion, it is hard to see why the giving or +receiving of this service should be any more unworthy than any other +help, which friends can grant to each other. True commerce of the +heart should make all other needful commerce possible. Communion +includes communism. To have things in common does not seem difficult, +when there is love in common. + +Friendship has also been wrecked by outside means, by the evil of +others, through the evil speaking, or the envy, or the whispering +tongues that delight in scandal. Some mean natures rejoice in sowing +discord, carrying tales with just the slightest turn of a phrase, or +even a tone of the voice, which gives a sinister reading to an innocent +word or act. Frankness can always prevent such from permanently +wrecking friendship. Besides, we should judge no man, still less a +trusted friend, by a report of an incident or a hasty word. We should +judge our friend by his record, by what we know of his character. When +anything inconsistent with that character comes before our notice, it +is only justice to him to at least suspend judgment, and it would be +wisdom to refuse to credit it at all. + +We sometimes wonder to find a friend cold and distant to us, and +perhaps we moralize on the fickleness and inconstancy of men, but the +reason may be to seek in ourselves. We cannot expect the pleasure of +friendship without the duty, the privilege without the responsibility. +We cannot break off the threads of the web, and then, when the mood is +on us, continue it as though nothing had happened. If such a breakage +has occurred, we must go back and patiently join the threads together +again. Thoughtlessness has done more harm in this respect than +ill-will. If we have lost a friend through selfish neglect, the loss +is ours, and we cannot expect to take up the story where we left off +years ago. There is a serene impudence about the treatment some mete +out to their friends, dropping them whenever it suits, and thinking to +take them up when it happens once more to suit. We cannot expect to +walk with another, when we have gone for miles along another way. We +will have to go back, and catch him up again. If the fault has been +ours, desire and shame will give our feet wings. + +The real source of separation is ultimately a spiritual one. We cannot +walk with another unless we are agreed. The lapse of friendship is +often due to this, that one has let the other travel on alone. If one +has sought pleasure, and the other has sought truth; if one has +cumbered his life with the trivial and the petty, and the other has +filled his with high thoughts and noble aspirations; if their hearts +are on different levels, it is natural that they should now be apart. +We cannot stay behind with the camp-followers, and at the same time +fight in the van with the heroes. If we would keep our best friends, +we must go with them in sympathy, and be able to share their thoughts. +In the letters of Dean Stanley, there is one from Jowett to Stanley, +which brings out this necessity. "I earnestly hope that the +friendship, which commenced between us many years ago, may be a +blessing to last us through life. I feel that if it is to be so we +must both go onward, otherwise the tear and wear of life, and the +'having travelled over each other's minds,' and a thousand accidents +will be sufficient to break it off. I have often felt the inability to +converse with you, but never for an instant the least alienation. +There is no one who would not think me happy in having such a friend." + +It is not, however, so much the equal pace of the mind which is +necessary, as the equal pace of the spirit. We may think about a very +brilliant friend that he will outstrip us, and outgrow us. The fear is +natural, but if there be spiritual oneness it is an unfounded fear. + + Yet oft, when sundown skirts the moor, + An inner trouble I behold, + A spectral doubt which makes me cold, + That I should be thy mate no more. + +But love is not dependent on intellect. The great bond of union is not +that both parties are alike in mind, but that they are akin in soul. +Mere intellect only divides men further than the ordinary natural and +artificial distinctions that already exist. There are endless +instances of this disuniting influence to be seen, in the contempt of +learning for ignorance, the derisive attitude which knowledge assumes +toward simplicity, the metropolitan disdain for provincial Galilee, the +_rabies theologica_ which is ever ready to declare that this people +that knoweth not the law is accursed. It is love, not logic, which can +unite men. Love is the one solvent to break down all barriers, and +love has other grounds for its existence than merely intellectual ones. +So that although similarity of taste is another bond and is perhaps +necessary for the perfect friendship, it is not its foundation; and if +the foundation be not undermined, there is no reason why difference of +mental power should wreck the structure. + +However it happen that friends are separated, it is always sad; for the +loss of a friendship is the loss of an ideal. Sadder than the pathos +of unmated hearts is the pathos of severed souls. It is always a pain +to find a friend look on us with cold stranger's eyes, and to know +ourselves dead of hopes of future intimacy. It is a pain even when we +have nothing to blame ourselves with, much more so when we feel that +ours is the fault. It would not seem to matter very much, if it were +not such a loss to both; for friendship is one of the appointed means +of saving the life from worldliness and selfishness. It is the +greatest education in the world; for it is education of the whole man, +of the affections as well as the intellect. Nothing of worldly success +can make up for the want of it. And true friendship is also a moral +preservative. It teaches something of the joy of service, and the +beauty of sacrifice. We cannot live an utterly useless life, if we +have to think for, and act for, another. It keeps love in the heart, +and keeps God in the life. + +The greatest and most irretrievable wreck of friendship is the result +of a moral breakdown in one of the associates. Worse than the +separation of the grave is the desolation of the heart by +faithlessness. More impassable than the gulf of distance with the +estranging sea, more separating than the gulf of death, is the great +gulf fixed between souls through deceit and shame. It is as the sin of +Judas. Said a sorrowful Psalmist, who had known this experience, "Mine +own familiar friend in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath +lifted up his heel against me." And another Psalmist sobs out the same +lament, "It was not an enemy that reproached me, then I could have +borne it, but it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide and mine +acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked into the +house of God in company." The loss of a friend by any of the common +means is not so hard, as to find a friend faithless. The trustful soul +has often been disillusioned thus. The rod has broken in the hand that +leaned on it, and has left its red wound on the palm. There is a +deeper wound on the heart. + +The result of such a breakdown of comradeship is often bitterness, and +cynical distrust of man. It is this experience which gives point to +the worldling's sneer, Defend me from my friends, I can defend myself +from my enemies. We cannot wonder sometimes at the cynicism. It is +like treason within the camp, against which no man can guard. It is a +stab in the back, a cowardly assassination of the heart. Treachery +like this usually means a sudden fall from the ideal for the deceived +one, and the ideal can only be recovered, if at all, by a slow and +toilsome ascent, foot by foot and step by step. + +Failure of one often leads to distrust of all. This is the terrible +responsibility of friendship. We have more than the happiness of our +friend in our power; we, have his faith. Most men who are cynical +about women are so, because of the inconstancy of one. Most sneers at +friendship are, to begin with at least, the expression of individual +pain, because the man has known the shock of the lifted heel. Distrust +works havoc on the character; for it ends in unbelief of goodness +itself. And distrust always meets with its own likeness, and is paid +back in its own coin. Suspicion breeds suspicion, and the conduct of +life on such principles becomes a tug-of-war in which Greek is matched +with Greek. + +The social virtues, which keep the whole community together, are thus +closely allied to the supreme virtue of friendship. Aristotle had +reason in making it the _nexus_ between his Ethics and his Politics. +Truth, good faith, honest dealing between man and man, are necessary +for any kind of intercourse, even that of business. Men can do nothing +with each other, if they have not a certain minimum of trust. There +have been times when there seems to be almost an epidemic of +faithlessness, when the social bond seems loosened, when men's hands +are raised against each other, when confidence is paralyzed, and people +hardly know whom to trust. + +The prophet Micah, who lived in such a time, expresses this state of +distrust: "Trust ye not any friend, put ye no confidence in a familiar +friend. A man's enemies are of his own household." This means +anarchy, and society becomes like a bundle of sticks with the cord cut. +The cause is always a decay of religion; for law is based on morality, +and morality finds its strongest sanction in religion. Selfishness +results in anarchy, a reversion to the Ishmaelite type of life. + +The story of the French Revolution has in it some of the darkest pages +in the history of modern civilization, due to the breakdown of social +trust. The Revolution, like Saturn, took to devouring her own +children. Suspicion, during the reign of terror, brooded over the +heads of men, and oppressed their hearts. The ties of blood and +fellowship seemed broken, and the sad words of Christ had their horrid +fulfilment, that the brother would deliver up the brother to death, and +the father the child, and the children rise up against the parents and +cause them to be put to death. There are some awful possibilities in +human nature. In Paris of these days a man had to be ever on his +guard, to watch his acts, his words, even his looks. It meant for a +time a collapse of the whole idea of the state. It was a panic, worse +than avowed civil war. Friendship, of course, could have little place +in such a frightful palsy of mutual confidence, though there were, for +the honor of the race, some noble exceptions. The wreck of friendship +through deceit is always a step toward social anarchy; for it helps to +break down trust and good faith among men. + +The wreck of friendship is also a blow to religion. Many have lost +their faith in God, because they have lost, through faithlessness, +their faith in man. Doubt of the reality of love becomes doubt of the +reality of the spiritual life. To be unable to see the divine in man, +is to have the eyes blinded to the divine anywhere. Deception in the +sphere of love shakes the foundation of religion. Its result is +atheism, not perhaps as a conscious speculative system of thought, but +as a subtle practical influence on conduct. It corrupts the fountain +of life, and taints the whole stream. Despair of love, if final and +complete, would be despair of God; for God is love. Thus, the wreck of +friendship often means a temporary wreck of faith. It ought not to be +so; but that there is a danger of it should impress us with a deeper +sense of the responsibility attached to our friendships. Our life +follows the fortunes of our love. + + + + +The Renewing of Friendship + + +Perhaps we may go further, and say that friends, whose friendship has +been broken off, should not entirely forget their former intercourse; +and that just as we hold that we ought to serve friends before +strangers, so former friends have some claims upon us on the ground of +past friendship, unless extraordinary depravity were the cause of our +parting.--ARISTOTLE. + + + +The Renewing of Friendship + +It is a sentiment of the poets and romancers that love is rather helped +by quarrels. There must be some truth in it, as we find the idea +expressed a hundred times in different forms in literature. We find it +among the wisdom of the ancients, and it remains still as one of the +conventional properties of the dramatist, and one of the accepted +traditions of the novelist. It is expressed in maxim and apothegm, in +play and poem. One of our old pre-Elizabethan writers has put it in +classic form in English:-- + + The falling out of faithful friends is the renewing of love. + + +It is the chief stock-in-trade of the writer of fiction, to depict the +misunderstandings which arise between two persons, through the sin of +one, or the folly of both, or the villainy of a third; then comes the +means by which the tangled skein is unravelled, and in the end +everything is satisfactorily explained, and the sorely-tried characters +are ushered into a happiness stronger and sweeter than ever before. +Friends quarrel, and are miserable in their state of separation; and +afterward, when the friendship is renewed, it is discovered that the +bitter dispute was only a blessing in disguise, as the renewal itself +was an exquisite pleasure, and the result has been a firmer and more +stable relationship of love and trust. + +The truth in this sentiment is, of course, the evident one, that a man +often only wakens to the value of a possession when he is in danger of +losing it. The force of a current is sometimes only noted when it is +opposed by an obstacle. Two persons may discover, by a temporary +alienation, how much they really care for each other. It may be that +previously they took things for granted. Their affection had lost its +first glitter, and was accepted as a commonplace. Through some +misunderstanding or dispute, they broke off their friendly +relationship, feeling sure that they had come to an end of their +regard. They could never again be on the same close terms; hot words +had been spoken; taunts and reproaches had passed; eyes had flashed +fire, and they parted in anger--only to learn that their love for each +other was as real and as strong as ever. The very difference revealed +the true union of hearts that had existed. They had been blind to the +strength of their mutual regard, till it was so painfully brought to +their notice. The love is renewed with a more tender sense of its +sacredness, and a more profound feeling of its strength. The +dissensions only displayed the union; the discord drove them to a +fuller harmony. This is a natural and common experience. + +But a mistake may easily be made by confusing cause and effect. "The +course of true love never did run smooth"--but the obstacles in the +channel do not _produce_ the swiftness and the volume of the stream; +they only _show_ them. There may be an unsuspected depth and force for +the first time brought to light when the stream strikes a barrier, but +the barrier is merely the occasion, not the cause, of the revelation. +To mistake the one for the other, may lead to a false and stupid +policy. Many, through this mistake, act as though dissension were of +the very nature of affection, and as if the one must necessarily react +on the other for good. Some foolish people will sometimes even produce +disagreement for the supposed pleasure of agreeing once more, and +quarrel for the sake of making it up again. + +Rather, the end of love is near at hand, when wrangling can live in its +presence. It is not true that love is helped by quarrels, except in +the small sense already indicated. A man may quarrel once too often +with his friend, and a brother offended, says the proverb, is harder to +be won than a strong city, and such contentions are like the bars of a +castle. It is always a dangerous experiment to wilfully test +affection, besides being often a cruel one. Disputing is a shock to +confidence, and without confidence friendship cannot continue. A state +of feud, even though a temporary one, often embitters the life, and +leaves its mark on the heart. Desolated homes and lonely lives are +witnesses of the folly of any such policy. From the root of bitterness +there cannot possibly blossom any of the fair flowers of love. The +surface truth of the poets' sentiment we have acknowledged and +accounted for, but it is only a surface truth. The best of friends +will fall out, and the best of them will renew their friendship, but it +is always at a great risk, and sometimes it strains the foundations of +their esteem for each other to shaking: + + And blessings on the falling out + That all the more endears, + When we fall out with those we love + And kiss again with tears! + +But in any serious rupture of friendship it can only be a blessing when +it means the tears of repentance, and these are often tears of blood. +In all renewing there must be an element of repentance, and however +great the joy of having regained the old footing, there is the memory +of pain, and the presence of regret. To cultivate contention as an +art, and to trade upon the supposed benefit of renewing friendship, is +a folly which brings its own retribution. + +The disputatious person for this reason never makes a good friend. In +friendship men look for peace, and concord, and some measure of +content. There are enough battles to fight outside, enough jarring and +jostling in the street, enough disputing in the market-place, enough +discord in the workaday world, without having to look for contention in +the realm of the inner life also. There, if anywhere, we ask for an +end of strife. Friendship is the sanctuary of the heart, and the peace +of the sanctuary should brood over it. Its chiefest glory is that the +dust and noise of contest are excluded. + +It must needs be that offences come. It is not only that the world is +full of conflict and controversy, and every man must take his share in +the fights of his time. We are born into the battle; we are born for +the battle. But apart from the outside strife, from which we cannot +separate ourselves, and do not desire to separate ourselves if we are +true men, the strange thing is that it looks as if it must needs be +that offences come even among brethren. The bitterest disputes in life +are among those who are nearest each other in spirit. We do not +quarrel with the man in the street, the man with whom we have little or +no communication. He has not the chance, nor the power, to chafe our +soul, and ruffle our temper. If need be, we can afford to despise, or +at least to neglect him. It is the man of our own household, near us +in life and spirit, who runs the risk of the only serious dissensions +with us. The man with whom we have most points of contact presents the +greatest number of places where difference can occur. Only from +circles that touch each other can a tangent strike off from the same +point. A man can only make enemies among his friends. A certain +amount of opposition and enmity a man must be prepared for in this +world, unless he live a very invertebrate life. Outside opposition +cannot embitter, for it cannot touch the soul. But that two who have +walked as friends, one in aim and one in heart, perhaps of the same +household of faith, should stand face to face with hard brows and +gleaming eyes, should speak as foes and not as lovers of the same love, +is, in spite of the poets and romancers, the bitterest moment of life. + +There are some we cannot hurt even if we would; whom all the venom of +our nature could not touch, because we mean nothing to them. But there +are others in our power, whom we can stab with a word, and these are +our brethren, our familiar friends, our comrades at work, our close +associates, our fellow laborers in God's vineyard. It is not the crowd +that idly jostle us in the street who can hurt us to the quick, but a +familiar friend in whom we trusted. He has a means of ingress barred +to strangers, and can strike home as no other can. This explains why +family quarrels, ruptures in the inner circle, Church disputes, are so +bitter. They come so near us. An offended brother is hard to win, +because the very closeness of the previous intimacy brings a rankling +sense of injustice and the resentment of injured love. An injury from +the hand of a friend seems such a wanton thing; and the heart hardens +itself with the sense of wrong, and a separation ensues like the bars +of a castle. + +It must needs be that offences come, but woe unto him by whom they +come. The strife-makers find in themselves, in their barren heart and +empty life, their own appropriate curse. The blow they strike comes +back upon themselves. Worse than the choleric temperament is the +peevish, sullen nature. The one usually finds a speedy repentance for +his hot and hasty mood; the other is a constant menace to friendship, +and acts like a perpetual irritant. Its root is selfishness, and it +grows by what it feeds on. + +When offences do come, we may indeed use them as opportunities for +growth in gracious ways, and thus turn them into blessings on the lives +of both. To the offended it may be an occasion for patience and +forgiveness; to the offender, an occasion for humility and frank +confession; and to both, a renewing of love less open to offence in the +future. There are some general counsels about the making up of +differences, though each case needs special treatment for itself, which +will easily be found if once the desire for concord be established. +Christ's recipe for a quarrel among brethren is: "If thy brother shall +trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him +alone; if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother." + +Much of our dissension is due to misunderstanding, which could be put +right by a few honest words and a little open dealing. Human beings so +often live at cross purposes with each other, when a frank word, or a +simple confession of wrong, almost a look or a gesture, would heal the +division. Resentment grows through brooding over a fancied slight. +Hearts harden themselves in silence, and, as time goes on, it becomes +more difficult to break through the silence. Often there are strained +relations among men, who, at the bottom of their hearts, have sincere +respect for each other, and smouldering affection also, which only +needs a little coaxing of the spark to burst out again into a dancing +flame. There is a terrible waste of human friendship, a waste of power +which might be used to bless all our lives, through our sinful +separations, our selfish exclusiveness, our resentful pride. We let +the sweetest souls we have met die without acknowledging our debt to +them. We stand aside in haughty isolation, till the open grave opens +our sealed hearts--too late. We let the chance of reconciliation pass +till it is irrevocable. Most can remember a tender spot in the past +somewhere, a sore place, a time when discord entered with another they +loved, and + + Each spake words of high disdain + And insult to his heart's best brother. + +And in some cases, as with the friends in Coleridge's great poem, the +parting has been eternal, and neither has ever since found another such +friend to fill the life with comfort, and free the hollow heart from +paining. + +There is more evil from such a state of discord than the mere loss it +is to both; it influences the whole heart-life, creating sometimes +bitterness, sometimes universal suspicion, sometimes cynicism. Hatred +is contagious, as love is. They have an effect on the whole character, +and are not confined to the single incident which causes the love or +the hate. To hate a single one of God's creatures is to harden the +heart to some extent against all. Love is the centre of a circle, +which broadens out in ever-widening circumference. Dante tells us in +_La Vita Nuova_ that the effect of his love for Beatrice was to open +his heart to all, and to sweeten all his life. He speaks of the +surpassing virtue of her very salutation to him in the street. "When +she appeared in any place, it seemed to me, by the hope of her +excellent salutation, that there was no man mine enemy any longer; and +such warmth of charity came upon me that most certainly in that moment +I would have pardoned whomsoever had done me an injury; and if any one +should then have questioned me concerning any matter, I could only have +said unto him 'Love,' with a countenance clothed in humbleness." His +love bred sweetness in his mind, and took in everything within the +blessed sweep of its range. Hatred also is the centre of a circle, +which has a baneful effect on the whole life. We cannot have +bitterness or resentment in our mind without its coloring every thought +and affection. Hate of one will affect our attitude toward all. + +If, then, we possess the spirit to be reconciled with an offended or an +offending brother, there are some things which may be said about the +tactics of renewing the broken tie. There is needed a certain tactful +considerateness. In all such questions the grace of the act depends as +much on the _manner_ of it, as on the act itself. The grace of the +fairest act may be hurt by a boorish blemish of manner. Many a +graceful act is spoiled by a graceless touch, as a generous deed can be +ruined by a grudging manner. An air of condescension will destroy the +value of the finest charity. There is a forgiveness which is no +forgiveness--formal, constrained, from the teeth and lips outward. It +does not come as the warm breath which has had contact with the blood +of the heart. The highest forgiveness is so full and free, that it is +forgetfulness. It is complete as the forgiveness of God. + +If there is something in the method of the approach, there is perhaps +more in the time of it. It ought to be chosen carefully and +considerately; for it may be that the other has not been prepared for +the renewal by thought and feeling, as the man who makes the advances +has been. No hard and fast rule can be formulated when dealing with +such a complex and varied subject as man. So much depends on temper +and character. One man taken by surprise reveals his true feeling; +another, when taken off his guard, is irritated, and shuts up his heart +in a sort of instinctive self-defence. The thoughtfulness of love will +suggest the appropriate means, but some emphasis may rightly be given +to the phrase in Christ's counsel, "between thee and him alone." Let +there be an opportunity for a frank and private conversation. To +appeal to an estranged friend before witnesses induces to special +pleading, making the witnesses the jury, asking for a verdict on either +side; and the result is that both are still convinced they have right +on their side, and that they have been wronged. + +If the fault of the estrangement lies with us, the burden of confession +should rest upon us also. To go to him with sincere penitence is no +more than our duty. Whether the result be successful or not, it will +mean a blessing for our own soul. Humility brings its own reward; for +it brings God into the life. Even if we have cause to suspect that the +offended brother will not receive us kindly, still such reparation as +we can make is at least the gate to reconciliation. It may be too +late, but confession will lighten the burden on our own heart. Our +brother may be so offended that he is harder to be won than a strong +city, but he is far more worth winning; and even if the effort be +unsuccessful, it is better than the cowardice which suffers a bloodless +defeat. + +If, on the other hand, the fault was not ours, our duty is still clear. +It should be even easier to take the initiative in such a case; for +after all it is much easier to forgive than to submit to be forgiven. +To some natures it is hard to be laid under an obligation, and the +generosity of love must be shown by the offended brother. He must show +the other his fault gently and generously, not parading his forgiveness +like a virtue, but as if the favor were on his side--as it is. Christ +made forgiveness the test of spirituality. If we do not know the grace +of forgiveness, we do not know how gracious life may be. The highest +happiness is not a matter of possessions and material gains, but has +its source in a heart at peace; and thus it is that the renewing of +friendship has a spiritual result. If we are revengeful, censorious, +judging others harshly, always putting the worst construction on a word +or an act, uncharitable, unforgiving, we certainly cannot claim kinship +with the spirit of the Lord Jesus. St. Paul made the opposite the very +test of the spiritual man: "Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, +ye which are spiritual restore such an one in the spirit of meekness." + +If we knew all, we would forgive all. If we knew all the facts, the +things which produced the petulance, the soreness which caused the +irritation, we would be ready to pardon; for we would understand the +temptation. If we knew all, our hearts would be full of pitiful love +even for those who have wronged us. They have wronged themselves more +than they can possibly wrong us; they have wounded a man to their own +hurt. To think kindly once more of a separated friend, to soften the +heart toward an offending brother, will bring the blessing of the +Peace-maker, the blessing of the Reconciler. The way to be sure of +acting this part is to pray for him. We cannot remain angry with +another, when we pray for him. Offence departs, when prayer comes. +The captivity of Job was turned, when he prayed for his friends. + +If we stubbornly refuse the renewing of friendship, it is an offence +against religion also. Only love can fulfil the law of Christ. His is +the Gospel of reconciliation, and the greater reconciliation includes +the lesser. The friends of Christ must be friends of one another. +That ought to be accepted as an axiom. To be reconciled to God carries +with it at least a disposition of heart, which makes it easy to be +reconciled to men also. We have cause to suspect our religion, if it +does not make us gentle, and forbearing, and forgiving; if the love of +our Lord does not so flood our hearts as to cleanse them of all +bitterness, and spite, and wrath. If a man is nursing anger, if he is +letting his mind become a nest of foul passions, malice, and hatred, +and evil wishing, how dwelleth the love of God in him? + +If we cannot, at need, even humiliate ourselves to win our brother, it +is difficult to see where our religion comes in, especially when we +think what humiliation Christ suffered, that He might reconcile us to +God, and make us friends again with our heavenly Father, and renew our +broken love. Whatever be our faith and works, and however correct be +our creed and conduct, if we are giving place to anger, if we are +stiffening ourselves in strife and disdain, we are none of His, who was +meek and lowly of heart. We may come to the Sanctuary with lips full +of praises and eyes full of prayers, with devotion in our hearts and +gifts in our hand, but God will spurn our worship and despise our +gifts. It is not a small matter, this renewing of friendship, but is +the root of religion itself, and is well made the very test of +spiritual-mindedness. "If thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there +rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee, leave there thy +gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy +brother, and then come and offer thy gift." Misunderstandings and +estrangements will arise, occasions will come when it seems as if not +even love and forbearance can avoid a quarrel, but surely Christ has +died in vain if His grace cannot save us from the continuance of strife. + +Such renewing of love, done with this high motive, will indeed bring an +added joy, as the poets have declared. The very pain will give zest to +the pleasure. We will take the great gift of friendship with a new +sense of its beauty and sacredness. We will walk more softly because +of the experience, and more than ever will tremble lest we lose it. +For days after the reconciliation, we will go about with the feeling +that the benediction of the peace-makers rests on our head and clings +round our feet. + +But more than any personal joy from the renewed friendship, we will +have the smile of God on our life. We will know that we have done what +is well pleasing in His sight. Sweeter than the peace which comes from +being at one with men, is the peace which comes from being at one with +God. It settles on the soul like the mist on the mountains, enveloping +and enswathing it. It comes to our fevered life as a great calm. Over +the broken waters there hovers the golden glory of God's eternal peace. + +And more even than all that, we will have gained a new insight into the +love of the Father, and into the sacrifice of the Son. We will +understand a little more of the mystery of the Love which became poor, +which gladly went into the wilderness to seek and to save the lost. +The cross will gain new and rich significance to us, and all the world +will be an arena in which is enacted the spectacle of God's great love. +The world is bathed in the love of God, as it is flooded by the blessed +sun. If we are in the light and walk in love, our walk will be with +God, and His gentleness will make us great. There is intended an ever +fuller education in the meaning, and in the life of love, until the +assurance reaches us that nothing can separate us from love. Even +death, which sunders us from our friends, cannot permanently divide us. +In the great Home-coming and Reunion of hearts, all the veils which +obscure feeling will be torn down, and we shall know each other better, +and shall love each other better. + +But every opportunity carries a penalty; every privilege brings with it +a warning. If we will not live the life of love, if we harden our +heart against a brother offended, we will find in our need even the +great and infinite love of God shut against us, harder to be won than a +strong city, ribbed and stockaded as the bars of a castle. To the +unforgiving there is no forgiveness. To the hard, and relentless, and +loveless, there is no love. To the selfish, there is no heaven. + + + + +The Limits of Friendship + + +If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or +the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend which is as thine own soul, entice +thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, thou shalt not +consent unto him, nor hearken unto him, but thine hand shall be first +upon him to put him to death, and afterward the hand of all the people; +because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the Lord thy God. + +DEUTERONOMY. + + + Yet each will have one anguish--his own soul, + Which perishes of cold. + +MATTHEW ARNOLD. + + + +The Limits of Friendship + +Friendship, at its very best and purest, has limits. At its beginning, +it seems to have no conditions, and to be capable of endless +development. In the first flush of new-born love it seems almost an +insult to question its absolute power to meet every demand made upon +it. The exquisite joy of understanding, and being understood, is too +keen to let us believe, that there may be a terminal line, beyond which +we may not pass. Friendship comes as a mystery, formless, undefined, +without set bounds; and it is often a sore experience to discover that +it is circumscribed, and limited like everything human. At first to +speak of it as having qualifications was a profanation, and to find +them out came as a disillusionment. + +Yet the discovery is not all a loss. The limitless is also the vague, +and it is well to know the exact terms implied in a relationship. Of +course we learn through experience the restrictions on all intimacy, +and if we are wise we learn to keep well within the margin; but many a +disappointment might have been saved, if we had understood the inherent +limitations of the subject. These are the result of personality. Each +partner is after all a distinct individual, with will, and conscience, +and life apart, with a personal responsibility which none can take from +him, and with an individual bias of mind and heart which can never be +left out of account. + +As is to be expected, some of the limits of friendship are not +essential to the relation, but are due to a _defect_ in the relation, +perhaps an idiosyncrasy of character or a peculiarity of temper. Some +of the limits are self-imposed, and arise from mistake of folly. A +friend may be too exacting, and may make excessive demands, which +strain the bond to the breaking point. There is often a good deal of +selfishness in the affection, which asks for absorption, and is jealous +of other interests. Jealousy is usually the fruit, not of love, but of +self-love. Life is bigger than any relationship, and covers more +ground. The circles of life may intersect, and part of each be common +to the other, but there will be an area on both sides exclusive to +each; and even if it were possible for the circles to be concentric, it +could hardly be that the circumference of the two could be the same; +one would be, almost without a doubt, of larger radius than the other. +It is not identity which is the aim and the glory of friendship, but +unity in the midst of difference. To strive at identity is to be +certain of failure, and it deserves failure; for it is the outcome of +selfishness. A man's friend is not his property, to be claimed as his +exclusive possession. Jealousy is an ignoble vice, because it has its +roots in egotism. It also destroys affection, since it is an evidence +of want of trust, and trust is essential to friendship. + +There are physical limits to friendship, if nothing else. There are +material barriers to be surmounted, before human beings really get into +touch with each other, even in the slightest degree. The bodily +organs, through which alone we can enter into communication, carry with +them their own disabilities. The senses are at the best limited in +their range, and are ever exposed to error. Flesh stands in the way of +a complete revelation of soul. Human feet cannot enter past the +threshold of the soul's abode. The very means of self-revelation is a +self-concealment. The medium, by which alone we know, darkens, if it +does not distort, the object. Words obscure thought, by the very +process through which alone thought is possible for us; and the fleshly +wrappings of the soul hide it, at the same time that they make it +visible. + +And if there are physical limits to friendship, there are greater +mental limits. The needs of living press on us, and drive us into +different currents of action. Our varied experience colors all our +thought, and gives a special bias to our mind. There is a personal +equation which must always be taken into account. This is the charm of +intercourse, but it is also a limitation. We do not travel over the +same ground; we meet, but we also part. However great the sympathy, it +is not possible completely to enter into another man's mind, and look +at a subject with his eyes. Much of our impatience with each other, +and most of our misunderstandings, are caused by this natural +limitation. The lines along which our minds travel can at the best be +asymptotic, approaching each other indefinitely near, but never quite +coinciding. + +The greatest limit of friendship, of which these other are but +indications, is the spiritual fact of the separate personality of each +human being. This is seen most absolutely in the sphere of morals. +The ultimate standard for a man is his own individual conscience, and +neither the constraint of affection, nor the authority of numbers, can +atone for falseness there. One of the most forceful illustrations of +this final position of all religion is to be found, in the passage of +terrific intensity from the Book of Deuteronomy, which we have +transcribed as a preface to this chapter. The form of the passage of +course gets its coloring from the needs of the time and the temper of +the age. The Book of Deuteronomy is so sure that the law of God is +necessary for the life of Israel, and that departure from it will mean +national ruin, that it will shrink from nothing needed to preserve the +truth. Its warnings against being led away to idolatry are very +instant and solemn. Every precaution must be taken; nothing must be +allowed to seduce them from their allegiance, not the most sacred ties, +nor the most solemn authority. No measure of repression can be too +stern. In that fierce time it was natural that apostasy should be +thought worthy of death; for apostasy from religion meant also treason +to the nation: much more those who used their influence to seduce men +to apostasy were to be condemned. The passage is introduced by the +assertion that if even a prophet, a recognized servant of God, +attesting his prophecy with signs and wonders, should solicit them to +leave the worship of Jehovah, in spite of his sacred character, and in +spite of the seeming evidence of miracles, they must turn from him with +loathing, and his doom should be death. And if the apostasy should +have the weight of numbers and a whole city go astray, the same doom is +theirs. If the tenderest relationship should tempt the soul away, if a +brother, or son, or daughter, or wife, or friend, should entice to +apostasy, the same relentless judgment must be meted out. + +The fact that this stern treatment is advocated in this Book, which is +full of the most tender consideration for all weak things, shows the +need of the time. Deuteronomy has some of the most beautiful +legislation in favor of slaves and little children and birds and +domestic animals, some of it in advance of even our modern customs and +practices, permeated as these are by Christian sentiment. And it is in +this finely sensitive Book that we find such strong assertion of the +paramount importance of individual responsibility. + +The influence of a friend or near relative is bound to be great. We +are affected on every side, and at every moment, by the environment of +other lives. There is a spiritual affinity, which is the closest and +most powerful thing in the world, and yet in the realm of morals it has +definite limits set to it. At the best it can only go a certain +length, and ought not to be allowed to go further than its legitimate +bounds. The writer of Deuteronomy appreciated to the full the power +and attraction of the near human relationships. We see this from the +way he describes them, adding an additional touch of fondness to each, +"thy brother the son of thy mother, the wife of thy bosom, thy friend +who is as thine own soul." But it sets a limit to the place even such +tender ties should be allowed to have. The most intimate of relatives, +the most trusted of friends, must not be permitted to abrogate the +place of conscience. Affection may be perverted into an instrument of +evil. There is a higher moral law than even the law of friendship. +The demands of friendship must not be allowed to interfere with the +dictates of duty. It is not that the moral law should be blindly +obeyed, but because in obeying it we are choosing the better part for +both; for as Frederick Robertson truly says, "the man who prefers his +dearest friend to the call of duty, will soon show that he prefers +himself to his dearest friend." Such weak giving in to the supposed +higher demand of friendship is only a form of selfishness. + +Friendship is sometimes too exacting. It asks for too much, more than +we have to give, more than we ever ought to give. There is a tyranny +of love, making demands which can only be granted to the loss of both. +Such tyranny is a perversion of the nature of love, which is to serve, +not to rule. It would override conscience, and break down the will. +We cannot give up our personal duty, as we cannot give up our personal +responsibility. That is how it is possible for Christ to say that if a +man love father, or mother, or wife more than Him, he is not worthy of +Him. No human being can take the place of God to another life; it is +an acted blasphemy to attempt it. + +There is a love which is evil in its selfishness. Its very exclusive +claim is a sign of its evil root. The rights of the individual must +not be renounced, even for love's sake. Human love can ask too much, +and it asks too much when it would break down the individual will and +conscience. + + The hands that love us often are the hands + That softly close our eyes and draw us earthward. + We give them all the largesse of our life-- + Not this, not all the world, contenteth them, + Till we renounce our rights as living souls. + +We cannot renounce our rights as living souls without losing our souls. +No man can pay the debt of life for us. No man can take the burden of +life from us. To no man can we hand over the reins unreservedly. It +would be cowardice, and cowardice is sin. The first axiom of the +spiritual life is the sacredness of the individuality of each. We must +respect each other's personality. Even when we have rights over other +people, these rights are strictly limited, and carry with them a +corresponding duty to respect their rights also. The one intolerable +despotism in the world is the attempt to put a yoke on the souls of +men, and there are some forms of intimacy which approach that +despotism. To transgress the moral bounds set to friendship is to make +the highest forms of friendship impossible; for these are only reached +when free spirits meet in the unity of the spirit. + +The community of human life, of which we are learning much to-day, is a +great fact. We are all bound up in the same bundle. In a very true +sense we stand or fall together. We are ever on our trial as a +society; not only materially, but even in the highest things, morally +and spiritually. There is a social conscience, which we affect, and +which constantly affects us. We cannot rise very much above it; to +fall much below it, is for all true purposes to cease to live. We have +recognized social standards which test morality; we have common ties, +common duties, common responsibilities. + +But with it all, in spite of the fact of the community of human life, +there is the other fact of the singleness of human life. We have a +life, which we must live _alone_. We can never get past the ultimate +fact of the personal responsibility of each. We may be leaves from the +same tree of life, but no two leaves are alike. We may be wrapped up +in the same bundle, but one bundle can contain very different things. +Each of us is colored with his own shade, separate and peculiar. We +have our own special powers of intellect, our own special experience, +our own moral conscience, our own moral life to live. So, while it is +true that we stand or fall together, it is also true--and it is a +deeper truth--that we stand or fall alone. + +In this crowded world, with its intercourse and jostling, with its +network of relationships, with its mingled web of life, we are each +alone. Below the surface there is a deep, and below the deep there is +a deeper depth. In the depth of the human heart there is, and there +must be, solitude. There is a limit to the possible communion with +another. We never completely open up our nature to even our nearest +and dearest. In spite of ourselves something is kept back. Not that +we are untrue in this, and hide our inner self, but simply that we are +unable to reveal ourselves entirely. There is a bitterness of the +heart which only the heart knoweth; there is a joy of the heart with +which no stranger can intermeddle; there is a bound beyond which even a +friend who is as our own soul becomes a stranger. There is a Holy of +Holies, over the threshold of which no human feet can pass. It is safe +from trespass, guarded from intrusion, and even we cannot give to +another the magic key to open the door. In spite of all the complexity +of our social life, and the endless connections we form with others, +there is as the ultimate fact a great and almost weird solitude. We +may fill up our hearts with human fellowship in all its grades, yet +there remains to each a distinct and separated life. + +We speak vaguely of the mass of men, but the mass consists of units, +each with his own life, a thing apart. The community of human life is +being emphasized to-day, and it is a lesson which bears and needs +repetition, the lesson of our common ties and common duties. But at +the same time we dare not lose sight of the fact of the singleness of +human life, if for no other reason than that, otherwise we have no +moral appeal to make on behalf of those ties and duties. In the region +of morals, in dealing with sin, we see how true this solitude is. +There may be what we can truly call social and national sins, and men +can sin together, but in its ultimate issue sin is individual. It is a +disintegrating thing, separating a man from his fellows, and separating +him from God. We are alone with our sin, like the Ancient Mariner with +the bodies of his messmates around him, each cursing him with his eye. +In the last issue, there is nothing in the universe but God and the +single human soul. Men can share the sinning with us; no man can share +the sin. "And the sin ye do by two and two, ye must pay for one by +one." Therefore in this sphere of morals there must be limits to +friendship, even with the friend who is as our own soul. + +Friendship is a very real and close thing. It is one of the greatest +joys in life, and has noble fruits. We can do much for each other: +there are burdens we can share: we can rejoice with those who do +rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Through sympathy and love we +are able to get out of self; and yet even here there are limits. Our +helplessness in the presence of grief proves this fundamental +singleness of human life. When we stand beside a friend before the +open grave, under the cloud of a great sorrow, we learn how little we +can do for him. We can only stand speechless, and pray that the great +Comforter may come with His own divine tenderness and enter the +sanctuary of sorrow shut to feet of flesh. Mourners have indeed been +soothed by a touch, or a look, or a prayer, which had their source in a +pitiful human heart, but it is only as a message of condolence flashed +from one world to another. There is a burden which every man must +bear, and none can bear for him: for there is a personality which, even +if we would, we cannot unveil to human eyes. There are feelings sacred +to the man who feels. We have to "dree our own weird," and live our +own life, and die our own death. + +In the time of desolation, when the truth of this solitude is borne in +on us, we are left to ourselves, not because our friends are unfeeling, +but simply because they are unable. It is not their selfishness which +keeps them off, but just their frailty. Their spirit may be willing, +but the flesh is weak. It is the lesson of life, that there is no stay +in the arm of flesh, that even if there is no limit to human love, +there is a limit to human power. Sooner or later, somewhere or other, +it is the experience of every son of man, as it was the experience of +the Son of Man, "Behold the hour cometh, and now is come, that ye My +friends shall be scattered every man to his own, and shall leave Me +alone." + +Human friendship must have limits, just because it is human. It is +subject to loss, and is often to some extent the sport of occasion. It +lacks permanence: misunderstandings can estrange us: slander can +embitter us: death can bereave us. We are left very much the victims +of circumstances; for like everything earthly it is open to change and +decay. No matter how close and spiritual the intercourse, it is not +permanent, and never certain. If nothing else, the shadow of death is +always on it. Tennyson describes how he dreamed that he and his friend +should pass through the world together, loving and trusting each other, +and together pass out into the silence. + + Arrive at last the blessed goal, + And He that died in Holy Land + Would reach us out the shining hand, + And take us as a single soul. + +It was a dream at the best. Neither to live together nor to die +together could blot out the spiritual limits of friendship. Even in +the closest of human relations when two take each other for better for +worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, they may be +made one flesh, but never one soul. Singleness is the ultimate fact of +human life. "The race is run by one and one, and never by two and two." + +In religion, in the deepest things of the spirit, these limits we have +been considering are perhaps felt most of all. With even a friend who +is as one's own soul, we cannot seek to make a spiritual impression, +without realizing the constraint of his separate individuality. We +cannot break through the barriers of another's distinct existence. If +we have ever sought to lead to a higher life another whom we love, we +must have been made to feel that it does not all rest with us, that he +is a free moral being, and that only by voluntarily yielding his heart +and will and life to the King, can he enter the Kingdom. We are forced +to respect his personality. We may watch and pray and speak, but we +cannot save. There is almost a sort of spiritual indecency in +unveiling the naked soul, in attempting to invade the personality of +another life. There is sometimes a spiritual vivisection which some +attempt in the name of religion, which is immoral. Only holier eyes +than ours, only more reverent hands than ours, can deal with the spirit +of a man. He is a separate individual, with all the rights of an +individual. We may have many points of contact with him, the contact +of mind on mind, and heart on heart; we may even have rights over him, +the rights of love; but he can at will insulate his life from ours. +Here also, as elsewhere when we go deep enough into life, it is God and +the single human soul. + +The lesson of all true living in every sphere is to learn our own +limitations. It is the first lesson in art, to work within the +essential limitations of the particular art. But in dealing with other +lives it is perhaps the hardest of all lessons, to learn, and submit +to, our limitations. It is the crowning grace of faith, when we are +willing to submit, and to leave those we love in the hands of God, as +we leave ourselves. Nowhere else is the limit of friendship so deeply +cut as here in the things of the spirit. + + No man can save his brother's soul, + Nor pay his brother's debt. + + +Human friendship has limits because of the real greatness of man. We +are too big to be quite comprehended by another. There is always +something in us left unexplained, and unexplored. We do not even know +ourselves, much less can another hope to probe into the recesses of our +being. Friendship has a limit, because of the infinite element in the +soul. It is hard to kick against the pricks, but they are meant to +drive us toward the true end of living. It is hard to be brought up by +a limit along any line of life, but it is designed to send us to a +deeper and richer development of our life. Man's limitation is God's +occasion. Only God can fully satisfy the hungry heart of man. + + + + +The Higher Friendship + + +Love Him, and keep Him for thy Friend, who, when all go away, will not +forsake thee, nor suffer thee to perish at the last. + +THOMAS A KEMPIS. + + + + Hush, I pray you! + What if this friend happen to be--God! + +BROWNING. + + + +The Higher Friendship + +Life is an education in love. There are grades and steps in it, +occasions of varying opportunity for the discipline of love. It comes +to us at many points, trying us at different levels, that it may get +entrance somehow, and so make our lives not altogether a failure. When +we give up our selfishness and isolation, even in the most rudimentary +degree, a beginning is made with us that is designed to carry us far, +if we but follow the leading of our hearts. There is an ideal toward +which all our experience points. If it were not so, life would be a +hopeless enigma, and the world a meaningless farce. There must be a +spiritual function intended, a design to build up strong and true moral +character, to develop sweet and holy life, otherwise history is a +despair, and experience a hopeless riddle. All truly great human life +has been lived with a spiritual outlook, and on a high level. Men have +felt instinctively that there is no justification for all the pain, and +strife, and failure, and sorrow of the world, if these do not serve a +higher purpose than mere existence. Even our tenderest relationships +need some more authoritative warrant than is to be found in themselves, +even in the joy and hope they bring. That joy cannot be meant as an +empty lure to keep life on the earth. + +And spiritual man has also discovered that the very breakdown of human +ties leads out to a larger and more permanent love. It is sooner or +later found that the most perfect love cannot utterly satisfy the heart +of man. All our human intercourse, blessed and helpful as it may be, +must be necessarily fragmentary and partial. A man must discover that +there is an infinite in him, which only the infinite can match and +supply. It is no disparagement of human friendship to admit this. It +remains a blessed fact that it is possible to meet devotion, which +makes us both humble and proud; humble at the sight of its noble +sacrifice, proud with a glad pride at its wondrous beauty. Man is +capable of the highest heights of love. But man can never take the +place of God, and without God life is shorn of its glory and divested +of its meaning. + +So the human heart has ever craved for a relationship, deeper and more +lasting than any possible among men, undisturbed by change, unmenaced +by death, unbroken by fear, unclouded by doubt. The limitations and +losses of earthly friendship are meant to drive us to the higher +friendship. Life is an education in love, but the education is not +complete till we learn the love of the eternal. Ordinary friendship +has done its work when the limits of friendship are reached, when +through the discipline of love we are led into a larger love, when a +door is opened out to a higher life. The sickness of heart which is +the lot of all, the loneliness which not even the voice of a friend can +dispel, the grief which seems to stop the pulse of life itself, find +their final meaning in this compulsion toward the divine. We are +sometimes driven out not knowing whither we go, not knowing the purpose +of it; only knowing through sheer necessity that here we have no +abiding city, or home, or life, or love; and seeking a city, a home, a +life, a love, that hath foundations. + +We have some training in the love of friends, as if only to prove to us +that without love we cannot live. All our intimacies are but broken +lights of the love of God. They are methods of preparation for the +great communion. In so far even that our earthly friendships are helps +to life, it is because they are shot through with the spiritual, and +they prepare us by their very deficiencies for something more +permanent. There have been implanted in man an instinct, and a need, +which make him discontented, till he find content in God. If at any +time we are forced to cease from man, whose breath is in his nostrils, +it is that we may reach out to the infinite Father, unchanging, the +same yesterday, to-day, and forever. This is the clamant, imperious +need of man. + +The solitude of life in its ultimate issue is because we were made for +a higher companionship. It is just in the innermost sanctuary, shut to +every other visitant, that God meets us. We are driven to God by the +needs of the heart. If the existence of God was due to a purely +intellectual necessity; if we believed in Him only because our reason +gave warrant for the faith; it would not matter much whether He really +is, and whether we really can know Him. But when the instincts of our +nature, and the necessities of the heart-life demand God, we are forced +to believe. In moments of deep feeling, when all pretence is silenced, +a man may be still able to question the _existence_ of God, but he does +not question his own _need_ of God. Man, to remain man, must believe +in the possibility of this relationship with the divine. There is a +love which passeth the love of women, passeth the love of comrades, +passeth all earthly love, the love of God to the weary, starved heart +of man. + +To believe in this great fact does not detract from human friendship, +but really gives it worth and glory. It is because of this, that all +love has a place in the life of man. All our worships, and +friendships, and loves, come from God, and are but reflections of the +divine tenderness. All that is beautiful, and lovely and pure, and of +good repute, finds its appropriate setting in God; for it was made by +God. He made it for Himself. He made man with instincts, and +aspirations, and heart-hunger, and divine unrest, that He might give +them full satisfaction in Himself. He claims everything, but He gives +everything. Our human relationships are sanctified and glorified by +the spiritual union. He gives us back our kinships, and friendships, +with a new light on them, an added tenderness, transfiguring our common +ties and intimacies, flooding them with a supernal joy. We part from +men to meet with God, that we may be able to meet men again on a higher +platform. But the love of God is the end and design of all other +loves. If the flowers and leaves fade, it is that the time of ripe +fruit is at hand. If these adornments are taken from the tree of life, +it is to make room for the supreme fruitage. Without the love of God +all other love would be but deception, luring men on to the awful +disillusionment. We were born for the love of God; if we do not find +it, it were better for us if we had never been born. We may have +tasted of all the joys the world can offer, have known success and the +gains of success, been blessed with the sweetest friendships and the +fiercest loves; but if we have not found this the chief end of life, we +have missed our chance, and can only have at the last a desolated life. + +But if through the joy or through the sorrow of life, through love or +the want of it, through the gaining of friends or the loss of them, we +have been led to dower our lives with the friendship of God, we are +possessed of the incorruptible, and undefiled, and that passeth not +away. The man who has it has attained the secret cheaply, though it +had to be purchased with his heart's blood, with the loss of his dream +of blessedness. When the fabric of life crumbled to its native dust, +and he rose out of its wreck, the vision of the eternal love came with +the thrill of a great revelation. It was the entrance into the +mystery, and the wonder of it awed him, and the joy of it inspired him, +and he awakened to the fact that never again could he be _alone_ to all +eternity. + +Communion with God is the great fact of life. All our forms of +worship, all our ceremonies and symbols of religion, find their meaning +here. There is, it is true, an ethic of religion, certain moral +teachings valuable for life: there are truths of religion to be laid +hold of by the reason: there are the consolations of religion to +comfort the heart: but the root of all religion is this mystical union, +a communion with the Unseen, a friendship with God open to man. +Religion is not an acceptance of a creed, or a burden of commandments, +but a personal secret of the soul, to be attained each man for himself. +It is the experience of the nearness of God, the mysterious contact +with the divine, and the consciousness that we stand in a special +individual relationship with Him. The first state of exaltation, when +the knowledge burst upon the soul, cannot, of course, last; but its +effect remains in inward peace, and outward impulse toward nobler life. + +Men of all ages have known this close relationship. The possibility of +it is the glory of life: the fact of it is the romance of history, and +the true reading of history. All devout men that have ever lived have +lived in the light of this communion. All religious experience has had +this in common, that somehow the soul is so possessed by God, that +doubt of His existence ceases; and the task of life becomes to keep +step with Him, so that there may be correspondence between the outer +and the inner conditions of life. Men have known this communion in +such a degree that they have been called pre-eminently the Friends of +God, but something of the experience which underlies the term is true +of the pious of all generations. + +To us, in our place in history, communion with God comes through Jesus +Christ. It is an ineffable mystery, but it is still a fact of +experience. Only through Jesus do we know God, His interest in us, His +desire for us, His purpose with us. He not only shows us in His own +example the blessedness of a life in fellowship with the Father, but He +makes it possible for us. United to Jesus, we know ourselves united to +God. The power of Jesus is not limited to the historical impression +made by His life. It entered the world as history; it lives in the +world as spiritual fact to-day. Luther's experience is the experience +of all believers, "To me it is not simply an old story of an event that +happened once; for it is a gift, a bestowing, that endures forever." +We offer Christ the submission of our hearts, and the obedience of our +lives; and He offers us His abiding presence. We take Him as our +Master; and He takes us as His friends. "I call you no longer +servants," He said to His disciples, "but I have called you friends." +The servant knoweth not what his Master doeth, his only duty is to +obey; a friend is admitted to confidence, and though he may do the same +thing as a servant, he does not do it any longer unreasoningly, but, +having been taken into counsel, he knows why he is doing it. This was +Christ's method with His disciples, not to apportion to each his task, +but to show them His great purpose for the world, and to ask for their +service and devotion to carry it out. + +The distinction is not that a servant pleases his master, and a friend +pleases himself. It is that our Lord takes us up into a relationship +of love with Himself, and we go out into life inspired with His spirit +to work His work. It begins with the self-surrender of love; and love, +not fear nor favor, becomes the motive. To feel thus the touch of God +on our lives changes the world. Its fruits are joy, and peace, and +confidence that all the events of life are suffused, not only with +meaning, but with a meaning of love. The higher friendship brings a +satisfaction of the heart, and a joy commensurate to the love. Its +reward is itself, the sweet, enthralling relationship, not any +adventitious gain it promises, either in the present, or for the +future. Even if there were no physical, or moral, rewards and +punishments in the world, we would still love and serve Christ _for His +own sake_. The soul that is bound by this personal attachment to Jesus +has a life in the eternal, which transfigures the life in time with a +great joy. + +We can see at once that to be the friend of God will mean peace also. +It has brought peace over the troubled lives of all His friends +throughout the ages. Every man who enters into the covenant, knows the +world to be a spiritual arena, in which the love of God manifests +itself. He walks no longer on a sodden earth and under a gray sky; for +he knows that, though all men misunderstand him, he is understood, and +followed with loving sympathy, in heaven. It was this confidence in +God as a real and near friend, which gave to Abraham's life such +distinction, and the calm repose which made his character so +impressive. Strong in the sense of God's friendship, he lived above +the world, prodigal of present possessions, because sure of the future, +waiting securely in the hope of the great salvation. He walked with +God in sweet unaffected piety, and serene faith, letting his character +ripen in the sunshine, and living out his life as unto God not unto +men. To know the love of God does not mean the impoverishing of our +lives, by robbing them of their other sweet relations. Rather, it +means the enriching of these, by revealing their true beauty and +purpose. Sometimes we are brought nearer God through our friends, if +not through their influence or the joy of their love, then through the +discipline which comes from their very limitations and from their loss. +But oftener the experience has been that, through our union with the +Friend of friends, we are led into richer and fuller intercourse with +our fellows. The nearer we get to the centre of the circle, the nearer +we get to each other. To be joined together in Christ is the only +permanent union, deeper than the tie of blood, higher than the bond of +kin, closer than the most sacred earthly relationship. Spiritual +kinship is the great nexus to unite men. "Who are My brethren?" asked +Jesus, and for answer pointed to His disciples, and added, "Whosoever +shall do the will of My Father in heaven the same is My mother and +sister and brother." + +We ought to make more of our Christian friendships, the communion of +the saints, the fellowship of believers. "They that feared God spake +often one with another," said the prophet Malachi in one of the darkest +hours of the church. What mutual comfort, and renewed hope, they would +get from, and give to, each other! Faith can be increased, and love +stimulated, and enthusiasm revived by intercourse. The supreme +friendship with Christ therefore will not take from us any of our +treasured intimacies, unless they are evil. It will increase the +number of them, and the true force of them. It will link us on to all +who love the same Lord in sincerity and truth. It will open our heart +to the world of men that Jesus loved and gave His life to save. + +This friendship with the Lord knows no fear of loss; neither life, nor +death, nor things present, nor things to come can separate us. It is +joy and strength in the present, and it lights up the future with a +great hope. We are not much concerned about speculations regarding the +future; for we know that we are in the hands of our Lover. All that we +care to assert of the future is, that Christ will in an ever fuller +degree be the environment of all Christian souls, and the effect of +that constant environment will fulfil the aspiration of the apostle, +"We shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is." Communion +produces likeness. This even now is the test of our friendship with +the Lord. Are we assimilating His mind, His way of looking at things, +His judgments, His spirit? Is the Christ-conscience being developed in +us? Have we an increasing interest in the things which interest Him, +an increasing love of the things that He loves, an increasing desire to +serve the purposes He has at heart? "Ye are My friends if ye do +whatsoever I command you," is the test by which we can try ourselves. + +Fellowship with Him, being much in His company, thinking of Him, +seeking to please Him, will produce likeness, and bring us together on +more intimate terms. For, as love leads to the desire for fuller +fellowship; so fellowship leads to a deeper love. Even if sometimes we +almost doubt whether we are really in this blessed covenant of +friendship, our policy is to go on loving Him, serving Him, striving to +please Him; and we will yet receive the assurance, which will bring +peace; He will not disappoint us at the last. It is worth all the care +and effort we can give, to have and to keep Him for our friend who will +be a lasting possession, whose life enters into the very fibre of our +life, and whose love makes us certain of God. + +We ought to use our faith in this friendship to bless our lives. To +have an earthly friend, whom we trust and reverence, can be to us a +source of strength, keeping us from evil, making us ashamed of evil. +The dearer the friend and the more spiritual the friendship, the keener +will be this feeling, and the more needful does it seem to keep the +garments clean. It must reach its height of intensity and of moral +effectiveness in the case of friendship with God. There can be no +motive on earth so powerful. If we could only have such a friendship, +we see at once what an influence it might have over our life. We can +appreciate more than the joy, and peace, and comfort of it; we can feel +the power of it. To know ourselves ever before a living, loving +Presence, having a constant sense of Christ abiding in us, taking Him +with us into the marketplace, into our business and our pleasure, to +have Him as our familiar friend in joy and sorrow, in gain and loss, in +success and failure, must, in accordance with all psychological law, be +a source of strength, lifting life to a higher level of thought, and +feeling, and action. Supposing it were true and possible, it would +naturally be the strongest force in the world, the most effective +motive that could be devised: it would affect the whole moral outlook, +and make some things easy now deemed impossible, and make some things +impossible now to our shame too easy. Supposing this covenant with God +were true, and we knew ourselves to have such a Lover of our soul, it +would, as a matter of course, give us deeper and more serious views of +human life, and yet take away from us the burden and the unrest of life. + +Unless history be a lie, and experience a delusion, it _is_ true. The +world is vocal with a chorus of witness to the truth of it. From all +sorts and conditions of men comes the testimony to its reality--from +the old, who look forward to this Friend to make their bed in dying; +from the young, who know His aid in the fiery furnace of temptation; +from the strong, in the burden of the day and the dust of the battle, +who know the rest of His love even in the sore labor; from the weak, +who are mastered by His gracious pity, and inspired by His power to +suffer and to bear. Christ's work on earth was to make the friendship +of God possible to all. It seems too good to be true, too wondrous a +condescension on His part, but its reality has been tested, and +attested, by generations of believers. This covenant of friendship is +open to us, to be ours in life, and in death, and past the gates of +death. + +The human means of communication is prayer, though we limit it sadly. +Prayer is not an act of worship merely, the bending of the knee on set +occasions, and offering petitions in need. It is an attitude of soul, +opening the life on the Godward side, and keeping free communication +with the world of spirit. And so, it is possible to pray always, and +to keep our friendship ever green and sweet: and God comes back upon +the life, as dew upon the thirsty ground. There is an interchange of +feeling, a responsiveness of love, a thrill of mutual friendship. + + You must love Him, ere to you + He shall seem worthy of your love. + +The great appeal of the Christian faith is to Christian experience. +Loving Christ is its own justification, as every loving heart knows. +Life evidences itself: the existence of light is its own proof. The +power of Christ on the heart needs no other argument than itself. Men +only doubt when the life has died out, and the light has waned, and +flickered, and spent itself. It is when there is no sign of the spirit +in our midst, no token of forces beyond the normal and the usual, that +we can deny the spirit. It is when faith is not in evidence that we +can dispute faith. It is when love is dead that we can question love. +The Christian faith is not a creed, but a life; not a proposition, but +a passion. Love is its own witness to the soul that loves: communion +is its own attestation to the spirit that lives in the fellowship. The +man who lives with Jesus knows Him to be a Lover that cleaves closer +than a brother, a Friend that loveth at all times, and a Brother born +for adversity. + +It does not follow that there is an end of the question, so far as we +are concerned, if we say that we at least do not know that friendship, +and cannot love Him. Some even say it with a wistful longing, "Oh, +that I knew where I might find Him." It is true that love cannot be +forced, that it cannot be made to order, that we cannot love because we +ought, or even because we want. But we can bring ourselves into the +presence of the lovable. We can enter into Friendship through the door +of Discipleship; we can learn love through service; and the day will +come to us also when the Master's word will be true, "I call you no +longer servant, but I call you friend." His love will take possession +of us, till all else seems as hatred in comparison. "All lovers blush +when ye stand beside Christ," says Samuel Rutherford; "woe unto all +love but the love of Christ. Shame forevermore be upon all glory but +the glory of Christ; hunger forevermore be upon all heaven but Christ. +I cry death, death be upon all manner of life but the life of Christ." + +To be called _friends_ by our Master, to know Him as the Lover of our +souls, to give Him entrance to our hearts, is to learn the meaning of +living, and to experience the ecstasy of living. The Higher Friendship +is bestowed without money and without price, and is open to every heart +responsive to God's great love. + + 'T is only heaven that is given away, + 'T is God alone may be had for the asking. + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Friendship, by Hugh Black + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRIENDSHIP *** + +***** This file should be named 20861.txt or 20861.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/8/6/20861/ + +Produced by Al Haines + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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