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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159,
+October 27, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, October 27, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: March 8, 2007 [EBook #20779]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by V. L. Simpson, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net. This
+file is gratefully uploaded to the PG collection in honor
+of Distributed Proofreaders having posted over 10,000
+ebooks.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159
+
+
+October 27, 1920.
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+Some idea of the evils consequent on a coal strike can be obtained when
+we hear there was talk of a football match in the North having to be
+cancelled.
+
+* * *
+
+Mr. Lloyd George is certainly most unlucky. As a result of the coal
+strike the New World has again been postponed.
+
+* * *
+
+We are assured that everything has been done to safeguard our food
+supply. We ourselves have heard of one grocer who has sufficient fresh
+eggs to last him for many months.
+
+* * *
+
+"Large numbers of South Wales miners left by train yesterday for the
+seaside," says _Lloyd's News_. Unfortunately they did not travel by the
+Datum Line.
+
+* * *
+
+The Opera House at Covent Garden is to be used as a cinema theatre.
+Meanwhile the House of Commons remains firm.
+
+* * *
+
+_The Daily Mail_ Prize Hat has now been chosen, though it is not yet
+definitely decided whether the wearing of it will be made compulsory. If
+it is, we understand that Mr. Winston Churchill will apply for
+exemption.
+
+* * *
+
+Thieves have broken into the railway station at Blaenau Festiniog and
+stolen a quantity of chocolate. Apparently with the idea of confusing
+the police, they left the name of the station behind them.
+
+* * *
+
+Twenty-one persons have been injured as the result of the explosion of a
+bomb in a first-class carriage on the Brazil Central Railway. The
+culprit, we understand, has written to the company expressing regret,
+but pointing out that no seat was available in a third-class carriage.
+
+* * *
+
+A ship's cook has been fined twenty shillings for refusing to join his
+ship, his excuse being that he had seen a rat as big as a cat in the
+cabin. It was pointed out to him that only ship's officers are entitled
+to see rats in the cabin.
+
+* * *
+
+A company has been formed at Stockholm for storing wind power. There
+should be a great demand for the insides of some puff pastry that we
+know of.
+
+* * *
+
+An American has invented an aeroplane capable of remaining in the air
+for hours and hours. This is nothing to Mr. Asquith's Irish solution,
+which is guaranteed to remain in the air for years and years.
+
+* * *
+
+Brides are getting rather tired of Harris's lilies, says a writer in
+_The Daily Graphic_. It is only natural that brides should become rather
+bored if they always wear the same sort of flowers every time they're
+married.
+
+* * *
+
+Mr. E. Van Ingen, a New York merchant now in London, boasts that he has
+crossed the Atlantic one hundred and sixty-eight times. It may be
+against the Prohibition laws, but we fancy it would be cheaper if he
+kept a few bottles of the stuff in New York.
+
+* * *
+
+A medical man advises people to use dried milk on health grounds. We
+have felt for some time that what was wanted was a really good
+waterproof milk.
+
+* * *
+
+Mr. E. A. Douse has spent forty-two years in a Cheshire post-office. It
+is only fair to say that the young lady behind the counter didn't notice
+him standing there all that time.
+
+* * *
+
+A Hertfordshire farmer, says _The Daily Mail_, has counted one hundred
+and twenty-three grains of wheat in one ear. Our contemporary has not
+yet decided what can be done about it.
+
+* * *
+
+"What is the right age for a man to marry?" asks Miss Gertie
+Wentworth-James. The answer is, Not yet.
+
+* * *
+
+While addressing a meeting of miners an extremist declared that the idle
+rich were the cause of all industrial troubles. It has since been
+reported that several of the audience immediately proceeded home and
+told themselves off in front of a mirror.
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that the miners greatly desire that Ireland will remain
+quiet for a short period, and thus refrain from distracting public
+attention from their cause.
+
+* * *
+
+"Lord Northcliffe," says _The New York World_, "is always in advance of
+public opinion." This is a fitting rejoinder to those who tell us that
+he is always behind _The Times_.
+
+* * *
+
+We cull the following from a speech of Senator Harding: "As I note the
+cornfields I am reminded that we still plough the land and plant and
+cultivate the fields in order to grow crops." We would remind the
+Senator that, with the Elections drawing daily nearer, the habit of
+making such sweeping and unguarded statements as the above is extremely
+dangerous.
+
+* * *
+
+We advise all readers to stick to their own particular newspaper, as a
+sudden change might upset the "net sales" which are being so carefully
+compiled at the present moment.
+
+* * *
+
+The up-to-date song-writer, says a musical journal, must strike a sad
+and soulful note this season. We are already engaged in writing "The
+Scotsman's Farewell to his Corkscrew."
+
+* * *
+
+A theatrical writer informs us that _The Laughing Husband_ will be
+revived this year. Not in our suburb, unless the cost of living drops
+considerably.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Betty._ "Grandma, I Know My Twelve Times."
+
+_Grandma._ "Do You, Dear? Well, What Are Twelve Times Thirteen?"
+
+_Betty._ "Don't Be Silly, Grandma. There Isn't Such A Thing."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The modern Hydra, embracing innumerable adverse factors, would
+    appear at least as many headed as the ancient, for as fast as one is
+    more or less effectively decapitated up comes another to upset the
+    applecart."
+
+    _Financial Paper._
+
+Classical students will, of course, remember how cleverly Hercules made
+use of this habit of the Hydra to secure the apples of the Hesperides.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DINING GLADIATOR;
+
+OR, WAR TO THE KNIFE (AND FORK).
+
+(_Being further Extracts from a certain Diary._)
+
+II.
+
+WROTE an even better article than ever, on indigestion as a determining
+factor in national _moral_. Pointed out how important it is, if we are
+to think coolly, that we should eat discreetly. Sufficiently, of course,
+but with thought.
+
+At the Tribunal all the afternoon, busily combing out.
+
+To the Hippodrome in the evening. A most diverting show.
+
+* * *
+
+NORTHCLIFFE is becoming impossible and I must find another paper.
+Several of my best commas cut out of to-day's article. All reference to
+the necessity for immediately beheading ASQUITH omitted yesterday. Was
+comforted by lunch at the Carlton with DORIS KEANE, GERTIE MILLAR and
+SCATTERS. We had some good jokes.
+
+* * *
+
+The news of my resignation from _The Times_ has set my telephone ringing
+all the morning with congratulations, requests for interviews and offers
+of employment. Also some attractive invitations to dinner and week-ends.
+The War for the moment seems to be forgotten. Wonderful, the power of
+the printed word!
+
+* * *
+
+My first article in _The Morning Post_, distributing blame and praise
+with my usual deadly accuracy. Wonder what poor NORTHCLIFFE is doing
+without me.
+
+* * *
+
+Received long letter from HAIG asking for instructions, which I sent by
+return.
+
+Lunched at the Carlton with some charming musical-comedy actresses. To
+the Tribunal after. Dined at the National Sporting Club and saw a good
+fight.
+
+* * *
+
+A visit from an Italian personage of consequence, who told me that my
+articles are the talk of Italy. If writing could win wars, he said, my
+pen would have done it.
+
+* * *
+
+L. G. came up to Carryon Hall heavily masked. I gave him an excellent
+dinner and some equally good advice, and he left much heartened.
+
+* * *
+
+Dined at Lady RANDOLPH'S. A merry crowd there. Every one very gay and
+amusing; but we forgot that WINSTON was our hostess's son and castigated
+him badly. Lady JULIET said that with some people, no matter what they
+begin to talk about, even with Cabinet Ministers, it all comes back to
+food.
+
+* * *
+
+Wrote a careful article pointing out that we must have at least one
+hundred more divisions in the West before next Friday.
+
+* * *
+
+I was gratified to learn to-day that in consequence of my articles _The
+Morning Post_ has doubled its circulation, while _The Times_ hardly
+sells a copy.
+
+* * *
+
+Lunched with MASSINGHAM of _The Nation_, who eats more sensibly than he
+writes.
+
+In Paris. Saw CLEMENCEAU at the War Ministry. His table was littered
+with papers and reports, amongst which he pointed out laughingly one of
+my articles. I can't think why he laughed. Lunched at Voisin's.
+
+* * *
+
+Left for rapid tour of inspection to British H.Q. Found much to put
+right. Issued an Order of the Day to soldiers of all ranks. The Germans,
+hearing of my presence, made desperate attempts to bomb me, but failed.
+Food at the Front not very alluring.
+
+Yesterday's article, I learn, put the wind up the War Cabinet, and great
+things may result. All my pleasure spoilt, however, by breaking a tooth
+on a pellet in a Ritz grouse.
+
+* * *
+
+Visited the French H.Q. and was pleased with FOCH, whom I asked to run
+over to Carryon when he was ever in any doubt. Sent home a powerful
+article which, when it is reproduced in all the French papers, as it
+will be, should encourage him and improve his position.
+
+* * *
+
+Dined at Lady RIDLEY'S. A very cheery party and much chaff. Mrs. ASQUITH
+said that she was writing her reminiscences. I made no mention of my
+diary, but if I don't get it out in book form before hers I'm not the
+Colonel of the Nuts.
+
+* * *
+
+To-day's article should bring things to a head very shortly. Shall be
+very glad when it is over and I can rest a little. Took some bicarbonate
+of soda.
+
+* * *
+
+Armistice signed. Spent the day in a kind of triumphal procession from
+restaurant to restaurant, at each of which I was hailed with applause.
+
+* * *
+
+Reached Versailles and let the news be known. A visible quickening up
+already to be noted.
+
+* * *
+
+Sent for President WILSON, but something must have prevented his coming.
+Lunched at Paillard's and dined at Larue's. Saw an amusing Palais Royal
+farce.
+
+* * *
+
+_June 28th_, 1920.--Treaty of Peace, for which I have worked so long,
+signed at last. Now I can utter my _Nunc Dimittis_, having accomplished
+the two ends I had in view--to bring the first world War to a more or
+less satisfactory finish and to make it dangerous for any but the deaf
+and dumb to dine out.
+
+E. V. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATE WORM
+
+(_Being a correction of "A Ballad of the Early Worm," "Punch," October
+6th_).
+
+    OH ye whose hearts were rent with pain
+      A few short weeks ago,
+    Is it unkind to harp again
+      Upon that tale of woe?
+
+    You know the tale--in _Punch_, I mean--
+      Pathetic every word;
+    Three wormlets fought to stand between
+      Pa and the Early Bird.
+
+    You sorrowed for their non-success
+      (By use of triple strength
+    They saved their father's life--ah yes--
+      But not his total length).
+
+    You thought, of course--I know you did--
+      That Father left his hole,
+    A briskly virtuous annelid,
+      To take an early stroll.
+
+    Well, now just go and read a book
+      Called _Vegetable Mould
+    And Earthworms_ (DARWIN); if you look
+      You'll find that you've been sold.
+
+    It's not my own, it's DARWIN'S firm
+      Authority I cite:
+    _There never is an early worm;
+      Pa had been out all night._
+
+    He swaggered forth at eventide
+      And stayed till dawn next day;
+    For I will not attempt to hide
+      That _worms behave that way._
+
+    So pious folk like you and me
+      Should not be filled with woe
+    At thought of Father's tragedy;
+      _His morals were so low._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Courtly Contemporaries.
+
+    "The Earl of Athlone walked away on foot, as is the simple way of
+    our Royal Family." _Sunday Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+"High-backed chair of Tudor period, about
+1660."--_Advt. in Daily Paper._
+
+We don't question its genuineness, but infer that it has been subjected
+to Restoration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Furnished House, consisting of dining, drawing, eight breakfast
+    rooms, etc." _Sunday Paper._
+
+Would suit a large family inclined to be short-tempered in the morning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TOO-FREE COUNTRY.
+
+ALIEN RIOTER. "DOWN WITH EVERYBODY!"
+
+P.C. JOHN BULL. "WELL, WE'LL MAKE A START WITH YOU."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PEOPLE WE ADMIRE.
+
+THE HERO WHO KEEPS UP HIS ARMY EXERCISES, STRIKE OR NO STRIKE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LETTER TO THE BACK-BLOCKS.
+
+DEAR GINGER,--So you have bought a very promising little gold-mine from
+a rollicking Irish nobleman called Patrick Terence O'Ryan, who is
+retiring on Mayo to take up the paternal estates. H-m!--have you? And
+you think you yourself will be retiring home presently on the proceeds
+of the said mine? H-m! again. There is a certain familiarity in your
+description of the gentleman. Tell me, has this Hibernian philanthropist
+a slight squint, a broken nose and a tendency to lisp in moments of
+excitement?
+
+I think I see you nod.
+
+Ginger, I once bought a mine from that man. His name was Algernon Maddox
+Cholmondely _then_, and he was homeward bound to assume the ancestral
+acres in Flint. He escorted me down the hole and displayed visible gold
+sparkling all along the reef. A week after he had gone I found that he
+had put it there with a shot-gun--an old "salter's" trick, but new to me
+at the time. You are not likely to be seeing Patrick Algernon Terence
+Maddox O'Ryan-Cholmondely again, but, if you should, remember me to him,
+please--with the business end of a pick-axe. Always delighted to keep in
+touch with old friends.
+
+Ginger, _you never can tell_. This is not an original remark. One of our
+brainy boys--George Bernard, unless I err--thought of it before I did;
+went away into the wilderness, wrapped his grey-matter in wet Jaeger
+bandages, subsisted on a diet of premasticated grape-nuts and produced
+this aphorism. And there's a world of truth in it, my son. You certainly
+never can.
+
+One fine morning last August (yes, there was _one_), I stepped out of my
+diggings in an obscure Cornish fishing-village to find a gentleman
+busily engaged strangling a lady on the cliff side. He had her by the
+throat and was gradually forcing her over the edge. Once in Bristol I
+interposed in a slogging contest between husband and wife and was very
+properly chastised for my interference, not only by the happy pair but
+by the entire street, who had valuable bets laid on the event. That, you
+say, should have been a lesson to me. But you know me, Ginger,
+impetuous, chivalrous, brave; I simply couldn't stand there and watch a
+defenceless woman--moreover a good-looking woman--foully done to death
+like that. I flung myself upon the villain--that is to say I spoke to
+him about it.
+
+"Oh, dash it, old bean," I said, "draw it mild!"
+
+Somebody shouted something behind me, but I didn't catch its purport for
+the sufficient reason that at that moment the long-suffering cliff gave
+way and we all went overboard, all three of us, he, she and it--me.
+
+Fortunately the drop wasn't terrific--not more than four feet or so--and
+the tide happened to be in at the time, which was very decent of it. My
+first thought as I came to the surface--or, at any rate, _one_ of my
+first thoughts--was "What of the woman?" I struck out for the poor
+creature. At the same moment she struck out for me, and, what is more,
+she got me too, clean between the eyes--a straight left-hander.
+
+"Out of my way, fathead!" she hissed and went on for the shore under
+her own steam at about forty knots an hour. I was washed up myself,
+along with a quantity of other jetsam, a few minutes later, to be met by
+a small furious man with a heliotrope complexion and white spats who
+wagged bunches of typescript under my nose and informed me that I had
+absolutely ruined about twenty million feet of the Flickerscope
+Company's five-reel paralyser, "The Smuggler's Bride."
+
+Of course you say that you saw what was coming all along. Of course you
+did. But wait a moment.
+
+Yesterday afternoon I was strolling down a certain fashionable street
+when a loud explosion occurred in a near-by shop and a cloud of acrid
+grey smoke came rolling out. Being by nature as inquisitive as a
+chipmunk I was on the point of shoving my head round the door-jamb to
+see what was up when caution prompted me to turn round. Yes, there they
+were, of course, a tall, thin youth winding away at a cine-camera like
+an Italian at a barrel-organ, and beside him a heavy-weight Israelite,
+dancing a war-dance, waving bunches of typescript and howling at me to
+stand clear. I had very near ruined a further mile or two of film.
+
+I sprang out of range, and then, wishing to atone for my previous
+blunders and prove that I really had no malevolent intentions towards a
+struggling industry, I went round and assisted the caracoling producer
+in stemming the crowd. Among others I stemmed a pushful policeman. I
+didn't notice he was a policeman until he was biting the dust, with my
+stick between his legs. However an instantaneous application of palm-oil
+made it all right between us, and he squatted half-stunned on the kerb,
+nursing his brow with one hand, my five bob with the other and took no
+further interest in the proceedings. And very interesting they were,
+too.
+
+Three masked men dashed out of the shop laden with booty and were
+pursued by a fourth, whom they knocked on the head and left lying for
+dead on the pavement. Most realistic. The crowd, led by me, cheered like
+mad. Then the thieves jumped into a waiting car and were whirled away.
+That done, the photographer and his step-dancing friend leapt into a
+second car and were whirled away also. Once more we cheered. I made a
+short speech to the effect that everything was all right with the
+British Cinema business and, after leading a few more cheers for myself,
+came home.
+
+"Well," you say, "all very jolly and so on, but what about it?"
+
+There's this about it, old companion, just this, that I am very probably
+spending a meditative winter in gaol. The charge is that I did aid and
+abet a peculiarly ingenious gang of desperadoes to blow a jeweller's
+safe, knock the jeweller on the head and get safely away with the stuff.
+I am even accused of obstructing the police. An inspector has been round
+to see me this morning and he tells me there is practically no hope. He
+advises me, as between friends, to make a clean breast of it, return the
+boodle, betray my accomplices, plead mental deficiency and trust to the
+clemency of the Court. It's pretty rough, after making all arrangements
+for spending a cheerful Christmas in Algiers, to have it changed to cold
+porridge in Parkhurst or Princetown. Of the two I hope it'll be
+Parkhurst, for Princetown, so _habitues_ tell me, is no place for a
+growing lad when the wintry winds do blow.
+
+Thine, _de profundis_ PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO OUT THIS AFTERNOON,
+MABEL?"
+
+_Mabel._ "I _AM_ GOING OUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Rhymes of Unrest.
+
+    There was a young miner of Ayr
+    Who gave himself up to despair;
+      For he said, "If we're paid
+      On our 'get,' I'm afraid
+    That I canna ca' canny no mair."
+
+    "Strike while the iron is hot,"
+      Said the wise old saw of old;
+    But the miners say, "What rot!
+      Strike while the weather's cold."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The art of decoration is alien to painting in this--that you must
+    mix your colours with your brains."--_Daily Paper._
+
+We await a reply from the intellectuals of Chelsea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There is one building now being erected, within a few miles of
+    Manchester as the cock crows."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+We are unfamiliar with this method of mensuration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ABOUT CONFERENCES.
+
+WE may not have coal, but we can have conferences. A conference is the
+most typically English thing that there is. The old Anglo-Saxons had
+them and called them moots. Why they called them a silly name like that,
+when "conferences" would have done just as well, one can't imagine; but
+they had their notions and stuck to them. They would have called
+Parliament a moot; in fact they did. They called it a moot of wise men.
+Sarcastic beggars, these Anglo-Saxons!
+
+The advantages of having a conference about everything are almost too
+numerous to explain. For one thing, suppose Smith is coming to see you
+at 2.30 P.M. "It's no use his waiting now," you say. "I've got a
+conference at 3. Tell him to come back at 5.30." And when he comes back
+at 5.30 of course the conference is still going on, so you don't have to
+see him at all.
+
+There is nothing again that makes you feel so deliciously important as
+being at a conference. You may be a leader of quite an insignificant
+body of workers, like the Nutcracker-Teeth Makers' Union, but you rub
+shoulders at a conference with men whose names are a household word
+throughout the whole of Great Britain, amongst those who have houses.
+The distinguished and the undistinguished lay their heads together; the
+spat-wearing get their feet mixed with the non-spat-wearing; though
+there is rather a fake, mind you, about this spat-wearing business, for
+it may simply mean that the uppers are very badly worn, or that only
+that very bright pink pair of socks came home from the wash this week,
+or even that there are no socks underneath at all.
+
+But anyhow, at a conference, Tom, Dick and Harry hobnob with Bob, James
+and George, and all are equal, except perhaps the chairman, who has two
+more pens in front of him and a much larger ash-tray. Mr. BEVIN and Sir
+ERIC GEDDES smile affably across at each other, and the PRIME MINISTER
+and Mr. CRAMP find out how much they have in common, such as love of
+poetry and pelargoniums. The mine-owner offers the miners'
+representative a cigarette, and the miners' representative says to the
+mine-owner, "Many thanks, old boy; but I'll have one of my own." And
+after it is over they all go out and stand arm-in-arm in a long row to
+be photographed for the papers, and are read next morning from left to
+right. It is the ambition of every properly constituted Englishman to
+wake up some morning and find that his portrait is being read from left
+to right; but how few succeed.
+
+The total output of conferences in this country during one year has
+never been computed yet, but it is supposed to exceed that of any
+country in the world, except Red India. If there were to be a strike of
+conferents or conferees, whatever they are called, in England, it is
+impossible to say what would happen. But it might be possible to lay
+down a datum line--a shilling extra for the first million words above
+two hundred and fifty million per shift, and two shillings more for
+every million words above that. Fortunately this will never be
+necessary, for people who confer are so fond of conferences that they
+will never down chairs.
+
+And no wonder. Only a very strong man can hew coal, and only a very
+reckless one can make a speech, but almost anyone can confer if he has a
+large enough ash-tray; and there seems no reason why more people
+shouldn't confer. Everybody is interested in conferences, whatever they
+are about, and the British public ought to be admitted to this kind of
+thing. One is always reading in the paper that the sound commonsense or
+the traditional sense of fair play of the great British public will
+support the miners in any just claim; but this claim is not just or just
+isn't, or something of that sort. But how do they know what the great
+British public will feel about it? They aren't there, are they? There
+ought to be representatives of the G.B.P. on all these conferences. They
+ought to be chosen from a rota, like jurymen. Very likely one of them
+would have found out what a datum line is, anyway. There's a man who
+comes up in the train with me in the morning who thinks he knows, but
+unfortunately he gets out at Croydon so we haven't found out yet.
+
+By having a lot more conferences and having a lot of representatives
+from the public on them all, and paying them well for it, one could
+practically settle the unemployment problem for the winter. If the
+Government can only be brought to see that this is the only
+statesmanlike course, and the sole course consistent with the
+Anglo-Saxon sense of justice, and capable of leading to a satisfactory
+Exploration of Avenues, Finding of Bridges and Discovery of Ways Out, we
+may all achieve our life's ambition some day and open the morning paper
+to find that we are being read at last from left to right. "Mr. ROBERT
+WILLIAMS, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, Mr. J. H. THOMAS, Lord RIDDELL," and so on
+and so on, till you come at last to "J. Smith, Esq., R.B.P.," smiling
+the widest of all. R.B.P.'s, I think, should wear a distinguishing
+mark--a single spat perhaps. EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE SECRET HISTORY.
+
+    [According to a report in a daily paper, at the recent Peace
+    Conference held at Spa, where the delegates were royally
+    entertained in the matter of hotel accommodation, meals,
+    etc., the cigar bill (which has been sent in to the League
+    of Nations and sent out again) amounted to three thousand
+    two hundred pounds. What the delegates could not smoke they
+    seem to have taken away with them.]
+
+    'TIS sweet in darkish times like these to see a
+      Rent in the veil which keeps the public blind,
+    And thus obtain a pretty shrewd idea
+      Of what goes on behind;
+
+    To note how quite an innocent report'll
+      Reveal apparent trifles which befall,
+    Proving that men whom we supposed immortal
+      Are human after all.
+
+    But here, while I can hardly call you blameful
+      For smoking "free" cigars with so much zest,
+    Frankly I feel 'twas little short of shameful
+      To go and pinch the rest.
+
+    I can forgive your huge hotel expenses;
+      Your beef was rightly of a super-cut;
+    A modicum of wine does whet the senses;
+      But those cigars--tut, tut!
+
+    For there's a finer aid to meditation,
+      Much more appropriate, in my humble view,
+    When Nation nestles cheek by jowl with Nation,
+      And far, far cheaper too.
+
+    So, if you'd really slay Bellona's bow-wows,
+      Might I suggest your vicious ways should cease,
+    And that in future you conduct your pow-wows
+      Over the pipe of peace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+An Affectionate Diminutive.
+
+    "Lord Buxton, who retired this summer from the post of High
+    Commissioner and Governor-General of South Africa, has been made an
+    early."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A correspondent, referring to Mr. Punch's quotation (from an Australian
+paper) of the title of a song, "It was a Lover and His Last," suggests
+"_Ne_ suitor _ultra crepidam._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the coal strike:--
+
+    "We look to the Government to keep all doors open. We look to the
+    public to keep cool."--_Westminster Gazette._
+
+The public should have no difficulty in doing its part if the Government
+do theirs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+TRANSPORT: PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Giles._ "I DIDN'T 'ARDLY AGREE WI' THE VICAR IN WOT 'E
+SAID ABOUT THEM EARLY MARTYRS BEIN' THROWN TO THE LIONS AN' BURNT AT THE
+STAKE AN' LIVIN' ON FOR EVER."
+
+_Curate._ "WHY NOT?"
+
+_Giles._ "WELL, ZUR, NO CONSTITOOTION COULD STAND IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CONSPIRATORS.
+
+V.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--Let me remind you that the Bolshevist conspirator has
+to stir up conflagrations in other countries without leaving his own.
+Passports and things are put in to make it more difficult when he comes
+to getting his inflammable material and directions for use over the
+frontier. So he has to invent a way over the obstacles.
+
+The first prize is awarded to the following: Secret instructions are
+printed in Arabic and the pages containing them are bound up in a five
+hundred page book in that language. The courier, an Oriental, carries
+this book openly in his hand when he presents himself at the frontier.
+It is ten to one that an innocent-looking book, thus carried, will not
+be suspected; a hundred to one against there being an official capable
+of reading it; five hundred to three against that official trying one of
+the guilty pages, if he is there and duly suspicious. Yet, with a
+hundred and sixty-six thousand chances against it, our Little Man got
+hold of those instructions.
+
+The Sherlock Holmes of fiction is a gaunt figure, with a hatchet face,
+spare of flesh. Our Little Man is a chubby lad, standing about four foot
+ten in his stockinged feet, rubicund and corpulent, and he wears a
+mackintosh with a very mackintoshy smell in all weathers. He never did a
+day's work, and he never means to try, but he is a genius at getting it
+out of others. Some say he is of Swiss origin, some say he is American,
+and some say that surely he must be Chinese; he was never certain
+himself until Czecho-Slovak was invented, and he plumped for that. He
+has the degree of Master of Arts; what arts I don't know; probably the
+black ones. His inner knowledge of the human species seems to give him
+plenty to laugh at. He notices everything, forgets nothing, and there is
+never a weakness in a man but he is on to it. He made up his mind that
+those secret instructions were passing and set about to find how they
+passed and what they were. He was too lazy to begin at the beginning, so
+he began at the end. He called in person, as a commercial traveller, at
+the suspected office of destination, and in the short time available
+ascertained that the door-keeper who turned him out was a patriotic and
+fervent admirer of the wine of the country.
+
+Our Little Man had no vulgar idea of getting the secret out of him by
+making him drunk. If there was a secret it wouldn't be in the
+door-keeper. But he and that door-keeper got to drinking together and
+the door-keeper did all the paying; the drinking and the paying went on
+by progressive degrees till the door-keeper had no money and only a
+still almighty thirst left. The Little Man left him with his thirst for
+a few days, until it became intolerable, and the door-keeper insisted
+that something simply must be done about it. The Little Man regretted
+that he could not give the necessary money to finance further orgies,
+but he would gladly advance it. Four nights got the door-keeper well in
+his debt, and our Little Man then began to talk about repayment. The
+door-keeper said he had no money; the Little Man said he must get it.
+Off whom? His employer.
+
+How was the door-keeper to get his employer's money off him? By selling
+him a safe. Our Little Man then divulged that he was in reality a
+commercial traveller in safes; if the door-keeper would get his employer
+to buy one of his safes the Little Man would forgive him his debt by way
+of commission. He felt sure that the Head of the Office had a weakness
+for precautions. The door-keeper, now enthusiastic, said he should just
+think he had! The Little Man felt he was getting warm. The door-keeper
+put the deal through and prevailed upon his master to instal a really
+safe safe in the office, instead of the old one. You had only to look at
+it to see it was impregnable by fire, water or the King's Enemies. But
+one set of keys stayed with the Little Man.
+
+The drinking (by both) and the paying (by the door-keeper) were resumed.
+When the debt was again large enough the Little Man imposed new terms.
+This time he wanted to see the Head of the Office himself, to put
+further deals through. The door-keeper thought deeply, but could see no
+harm in this. The Little Man was thus introduced into the presence, and
+startled it by pointing to the safe and offering to do burglar on it any
+night of the week. The Head was manifestly concerned.
+
+"We have here," said the Little Man, producing two formidable slabs of
+steel hinged together and leaving room between them when locked for a
+wad of papers only--"we have here a special strong box exactly suited
+for the storage of your bank-notes. Put them in this box, and the box in
+the safe, and then you really are ahead of your enemies."
+
+The Head bought. He gave the Little Man less money than he had spent on
+the strong box, and the Little Man gave him less keys than he was
+entitled to. The drinking and the debt were resumed, and, when it came
+to a question of settlement for the third time, the Little Man pointed
+out to the door-keeper that, if he hadn't the money to repay, then he
+must steal it. He now divulged that he was not really a broker, but a
+breaker of safes and strong boxes. He handed the door-keeper a key of
+his employer's safe. In the safe would be found the strong box. In the
+strong box would be found some notes of high value, unless he was very
+much mistaken.
+
+So the door-keeper went and opened the safe and returned. And the Little
+Man opened the strong box, and he _was_ very much mistaken. There was
+never a note there; just half-a-dozen pages torn out of a book printed
+in Arabic.
+
+He was so angry that he gave the strong box one on the lid for itself,
+with the result that he couldn't lock it again. However, he said he had
+a friend who could lock or unlock anything, and he left the door-keeper
+drinking, for the first time at the Little Man's expense, while he took
+off the box to be repaired by his friend. The latter happened to be in
+the next room with a camera. The pages were photographed; the Little Man
+returned to the door-keeper with the strong box, now capable of being
+re-locked; the door-keeper returned to the office and put back the
+strong box, locked, into the safe, which he also locked, and was wiping
+the sweat off his forehead and congratulating himself that no one was
+the worse, when he was startled to find a policeman had been watching
+him all the time.
+
+But he proved to be a very amenable policeman. He said he would take no
+action before he and the door-keeper had had time to talk it over next
+day. By the time that talk came the photographs had been developed,
+printed and translated. But the policeman did not wish to bore the
+door-keeper with the tiresome details. To put it quite shortly the
+policeman thought it was a most excellent crime, worthy of repetition at
+intervals.
+
+Yours ever,        HENRY.
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONCENTRATION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.
+
+THE ----.
+
+    I NEVER know why it should be
+    So rude to talk about the ----.
+      What funny folk we are!
+    I think we've got the jealous hump
+    Because we see we'll never jump
+      So skilfully and far.
+    For, if one's nibbled by a gnat
+    Or harvest-bugs or things like that,
+      One seldom keeps it dark;
+    One may enlarge upon the tale
+    If one is gobbled by a whale
+      Or swallowed by a shark;
+    But if you speak about the bite
+    Of this abandoned parasite
+      You're very, very rash;
+    So sure is it to raise a frown
+    I dare not even write it down;
+      I simply put a ----.
+    None but an entomologist
+    Will quite admit the things exist,
+    And generally _they_ insist
+      On using other names;
+    For, when at night Professors leap
+    Out of their scientific sleep
+    Because these little devils keep
+      Playing their usual games,
+    They never shout, "It seems to be
+    A something, something, something ----!"
+    (The word is never used, you see,
+      Except by artisans);
+    No, as they fling the bedclothes high
+    They give a wild but cultured cry,
+    "Confound it! Botheration! Hi!
+      A _Pulex irritans_!" A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Ruthless Motorists.
+
+    "Triumph 1920 4 h.p. Model H, also Baby, both brand new; sacrifice,
+    L5 off each."
+
+_Motor Journal._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It was intended to hold mock trials in order to familiarise women
+    with court procedure and 'legal shibboleths.'
+
+    When I saw her to-day, Miss ---- said that 'techniaclities' would
+    have been a better word."--_Evening Paper._
+
+We hate to contradict a lady, but we cannot agree.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Aggrieved Profiteeress_ (_studying photographs of the
+Peerage_). "WELL, I DON'T SEE AS THEY'VE ANY CALL TO LOOK THAT 'AUGHTY.
+LIKE AS NOT ME AN' YOU'D BE WEARIN' CORONETS THIS MINUTE IF ALL OUR
+ANCESTORS 'ADN'T A-BEEN CUT OFF IN THE WARS OF THE ROSES, OR
+SOMETHINK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORKING FOR PEACE.
+
+(_Extracts from the Diary of Mr. John Robert Boffkins, Trade Union
+Leader._)
+
+_Monday._--Rose with a heart over-flowing with love towards my
+fellow-men. Industrial strife must cease. Strikes are a barbarous and
+futile method of redressing wrong. Rather think that an increase in
+wages of two shillings a day would appeal to our members. Must inquire.
+
+_Tuesday._--Have confirmed my opinion that a two-shillings' increase
+would appeal to our members. They all seem enthusiastic over the
+suggestion. They appear to be under the impression that the idea is
+their own. It is not. It is mine. If it materialises I shall be most
+popular. But I am all for peace. A strike is out of the question. I
+shall spare no effort to prevent one.
+
+_Wednesday._--Presented formal demand to employers to-day. Told our
+members they must be firm to the bitter end. The two-shillings' increase
+is their strict due, and, if we present a united front, the grasping
+capitalist will be brought to his knees. Am working night and day for
+peace.
+
+_Thursday._--Pointed out to the employers that a strike is inevitable
+unless they give way. We can make no concession. My whole energies are
+concentrated on preventing a strike. Told our members that unless they
+remain firm the employers will crush them. A strike would be a national
+calamity and might spell ruin to the country.
+
+_Friday._--The possibility of a strike looms larger. Can nothing be done
+to prevent it? Informed the employers that we declined to abate one iota
+of our claim. "All or nothing" is our motto. Also refused to go to
+arbitration. Warned the employers that a strike means starvation for
+women and children. The prospect appals me.
+
+_Saturday._--The employers, who seem to be determined on a strike, have
+offered the men two shillings if they will consider the question of
+working five days a week instead of four. We refused their offer and
+demanded that our claim should be conceded unconditionally by noon,
+failing which our members would cease work.
+
+_Later._--The strike has commenced. Heaven knows that I did everything
+to prevent it which human being could do. The capitalists seem to have
+made up their minds to force civil war and all its horrors upon the
+country. The spectacle of little children starving causes me acute
+distress.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A GUIDE TO GREATNESS.
+
+    [Mr. JACOB EPSTEIN maintains in _The Daily Mail_ that a man
+    to be a creative genius must lead an orderly domesticated
+    life.]
+
+    I COURTED the Muse as a stripling,
+      Immured in a Bloomsbury flat,
+    And yearned for the kudos of KIPLING
+      For fees that were frequent and fat;
+    But editors, far from discerning
+      The worth of the pearls that I placed
+    At their feet, had a way of returning
+      The same with indelicate haste.
+
+    But, espousing, a year or two later,
+      The sweetest and neatest of wives,
+    I found, after peeling a tater
+      Or imparting a polish to knives,
+    I could scribble with frenzy and passion,
+      That the breaking of coal would inspire,
+    In a truly remarkable fashion,
+      My soul with celestial fire.
+
+    Serenity reigns in the household;
+      I've cancelled my grudge against Fate;
+    My lyrical efforts are now sold
+      At a simply phenomenal rate;
+    And, whether I'm laying the lino
+      Or bathing the babes, I regard
+    The job as a cushy one: _I_ know
+      The way to succeed as a bard.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SCALES OF JUSTICE.
+
+SIR ROBERT HORNE. "I WANT TO KEEP THE BALANCE. NOW THEN, BOTH TOGETHER."
+
+THE MINER. "NO. _YOU_ BEGIN--AND THEN PERHAPS I'LL THINK ABOUT IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _P. C. GREENWOOD._ "ARRAH! GET OUT WID YEZ AND LET THE
+LADY PASS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, October 19th._--A start was made with half a hundred
+Questions, and, considering that most of them had been in cold storage
+since before the Recess, it was surprising how fresh they remained.
+Persia and Mesopotamia--not to mention Ireland--are still unsettled; the
+Turkish Treaty is not yet ratified; the cost of living continues to
+rise, and the ratio of unemployment has alarmingly advanced, especially
+in the case of ex-service men.
+
+These last are to be found work in the building trades, with, it is
+hoped, the assistance of the trade unions, but, if that hope is
+disappointed, then without it. The country requires half-a-million
+houses built. "Here are men who could assist," said the PRIME MINISTER,
+"and we propose that they should be allowed to assist."
+
+Over a prospect already sufficiently bleak there broods the shadow of
+the coal-strike. Sir ROBERT HORNE, in presenting the case for the
+Government, was admirably clear but, perhaps naturally, a little cold.
+Only when the new lighting arrangement had flooded the House with
+artificial sunshine did the Minister warm up a little and hint that a
+way of peace might yet be found.
+
+I wonder if it was by accident or artifice that Mr. BRACE began his plea
+for the miners with the admission that they had only dropped the demand
+for the reduction of fourteen shillings and twopence in the price of
+domestic coal when they discovered that "the money was not there."
+Anyhow the laughter that ensued served to put Members into a good temper
+and to cause them to lend a friendly ear to his suggestion that the two
+shillings advance, though in his view only "dust in the balance," should
+be "temporarily" conceded, pending the establishment of a tribunal which
+should permanently settle the conditions of the mining industry. The
+increase of output which everyone desired would then be brought about.
+
+Most of the speakers who followed seemed to think that Mr. BRACE had
+sown the seed of a settlement. It was left to the PRIME MINISTER, who
+evidently did not relish the task, to awaken the House from its
+beautiful dream. He pointed out that to accept the proposal would be to
+give the miners what they had originally claimed, without any guarantee
+that the greater output would be forthcoming. If it were not forthcoming
+and the two shillings were taken away, what would happen? "A strike,"
+cried someone. "Precisely," said Mr. LLOYD GEORGE; only it would have
+been provoked by the Government instead of by the miners. He was not
+prepared to do business on those lines.
+
+And so the debate came to an end rather than a conclusion.
+
+_Wednesday, October 20th._--The Peers plunged into the morasses of the
+Irish Question. Lord CREWE asked for an official inquiry into the
+alleged "reprisals" and particularly instanced the attacks upon the
+creameries. Rather than that Ireland should be "pacified" by such
+methods as these he would see her engaged in civil war, "fairly
+conducted on both sides." From these words it may be gathered that his
+lordship's knowledge of civil war is happily not extensive.
+
+Furnished with a voluminous brief from the Irish Office, Lord CURZON
+made a long reply, the purport of which was that many of the reprisals
+were bogus, many were actions undertaken in self-defence, while the rest
+were generally due to men "seeing red" after their comrades had been
+brutally murdered. The Government did not palliate such cases, and had
+instituted inquiries and taken disciplinary action against the
+offenders, when known; but they were not prepared to set up a public
+inquiry such as Lord CREWE had demanded. It would only substitute "a
+competition in perjury" for the present "competition in murder"--a
+somewhat infelicitous phrase by which, as he subsequently explained, he
+did not mean to imply, as Lord PARMOOR suggested, that police and rebels
+were engaged in a murderous rivalry.
+
+Simultaneously the House of Commons was engaged upon an identically
+similar debate. Mr. ARTHUR HENDERSON was as lugubrious as Lord CREWE in
+presenting the indictment and distinctly less adroit in selecting his
+facts. His theory was that the Government had provoked the Sinn Fein
+outrages by its treatment of the people. Why, women had been prevented
+from taking their eggs to market!
+
+Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD spoke from the same brief as Lord CURZON, but threw
+far more passion and vigour into its recital. There had been some
+reprisals, he admitted, but they were as nothing compared to the horrors
+that had provoked them; and he protested against the notion that "the
+heroes of yesterday"--the R.I.C. is mainly recruited from ex-service
+men--had turned into murderers. As for the creameries, he had never seen
+a tittle of evidence that they had been destroyed by servants of the
+Crown, and he warned the House not to believe the stories put out by the
+propaganda bureau of the Irish Republican Army. He was still a convinced
+Home Ruler--an Ulster hot-gospeller had accused him of being a Sinn
+Feiner with a Papist wife!--but the first thing to do was to break the
+reign of terror and end the rule of the assassin. That they were doing,
+and there was no case for Mr. HENDERSON'S "insulting resolution."
+
+The Opposition for the moment seemed stunned by the CHIEF SECRETARY'S
+sledge-hammer speech. No one rose from the Front Bench and
+Lieutenant-Commander KENWORTHY had to overcome his modesty and step into
+the breach. Later on, Lord ROBERT CECIL, on the strength of information
+supplied by an American journalist, supported the demand for an
+inquiry. So did Mr. ASQUITH, on the ground that it would be in the
+interests of the Government of Ireland itself; but this argument was
+obviously weakened by Mr. BONAR LAW'S reminder that in 1913 and 1914 Mr.
+ASQUITH himself had deprecated inquiries in somewhat similar
+circumstances. The Government had a very good division, 346 to 79; but
+there were many abstentions.
+
+_Thursday, October 21st._--It was, no doubt, by way of brightening an
+unutterably gloomy week that Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE, who has not hitherto
+been known as a humourist, invited the Government to intercede at
+Washington for the release of the notorious JAMES LARKIN, now
+languishing in an American gaol. Inasmuch as LARKIN had been convicted
+for having advocated the overthrow of the United States by violence, Mr.
+HARMSWORTH did not think H.M. Government were called upon to intervene.
+Mr. MALONE understood from this that the Government had no sympathy with
+British subjects in foreign lands, and so he got another laugh.
+
+Commander BELLAIRS thought it would be a good idea if the League of
+Nations, pending the discharge of its more important functions, were to
+offer rewards for world-benefiting discoveries such as a prophylactic
+against potato-blight. Sir JOHN REES saw his chance and took it. "Does
+the League," he inquired, "declare to win on Phosphates, Peace or
+Potatoes?"--thus supplying proof positive that he owes his precise
+pronunciation to past practice with "prunes and prisms."
+
+It was rather impudent of Mr. ADAMSON, who has just been instrumental in
+throwing out of work some hundreds of thousands of his fellow-citizens,
+to initiate a debate on unemployment. Most of the speakers endeavoured
+to throw the blame on "the other fellow"--the Government on the trade
+unions, the trade unionists on the employers, and the employers on the
+Government. A welcome exception was Mr. HOPKINSON, who boldly blamed the
+short-sighted selfishness of some of his own class. Employes would not
+work their hardest to "make the boss a millionaire." As a fitting
+_finale_ to an inconclusive debate the PRIME MINISTER announced that in
+order to force a settlement of the coal-strike the railwaymen--Mr.
+THOMAS, apparently, dissenting--had threatened to join the unemployed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Harassed Secretary._ "I SAY, YOU NEEDN'T MAKE BUNKERS,
+YOU KNOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Erudite Contemporaries.
+
+    "Willard was game and well trained, and in stature he was Goliath to
+    the Daniel of Dempsey."--_Evening Paper._
+
+A DAVID come to judgment!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The rate plague has developed to an alarming extent in Thanet, and
+    considerable anxiety is felt, especially as there appears to be no
+    effective preparation of poison to exterminate them."--_Evening
+    Paper._
+
+And Thanet is not the only place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TYPE-SLINGER.
+
+    BITING and keen as any razor
+    The fluent pen of LOVAT FRASER;
+    And swift as arrows, thick as hail,
+    His outbursts in _The Daily Mail_,
+    Exposing in impassioned phrase
+    The PREMIER'S wild and wicked ways.
+    And yet the PREMIER doesn't squirm,
+    No, not a bit--the pachyderm!
+    But goes about with cheerful mien,
+    As if such things had never been.
+
+    So LOVAT FRASER grows emphatic
+    In efforts to be more dogmatic,
+    And down the column, once a week,
+    _His shrill italics fairly shriek._
+    But does the PREMIER bow his back
+    And go and give himself the sack?
+    Not he. Indeed, for all he troubles,
+    His critic might be blowing bubbles.
+
+    It's up to LOVAT FRASER now
+    To make an even bigger row;
+    I'd like to see the sturdy fellow
+    Write articles that simply bellow.
+    I think the PREMIER might perhaps
+    Shiver and possibly collapse
+    IF LOVAT GOT TO WORK IN "CAPS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Black Swan of Avon.
+
+"A NATIVE DRAMA
+Entitled
+'Inu vere ki pani'
+
+    (Popularly known as Merchant of Venice, but beautified and enlarged
+    to local taste), Interspersed with Popular Dialogues, latest Songs,
+    etc. Will (D. V.) be rendered by the ---- Guild."--_West African
+    Poster._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR BOHEMIANS HAVE TO PUT UP WITH.
+
+_Shabbily-dressed person._ "I'VE LOST THE TICKET, BUT I LEFT A HAT.
+THAT'S IT OVER THERE."
+
+_Attendant._ "I MUST ASK YOU TO FIND THE TICKET, SIR, PLEASE. THE HAT
+THAT YOU INDICATE IS QUITE NEW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE REVIVAL OF OLLENDORFF.
+
+FROM the memories of my mid-Victorian childhood, before the instruction
+of a governess had reached a point at which the plunge was made into a
+preparatory school, three names emerge with remarkable distinctness.
+"Little Arthur," from whom I derived my earliest knowledge of the
+History of England; "Henry," by whom I was grounded in the rudiments of
+the dead Latin tongue (but who must be carefully distinguished from
+JAMES HENRY, the Virgilian, who in turn had nothing whatever to do with
+HENRY JAMES the novelist), and OLLENDORFF, the illustrious author of a
+series of manuals for the teaching of living foreign languages.
+
+OLLENDORFF, I fear, is not even the shadow of a name to the present
+generation. There is no mention of him in _The Encyclopaedia Britannica_
+or in _Chambers_. Even in his own country he seems to have lapsed into
+obscurity, and in MENDEL'S voluminous _Conversations-Lexikon_ there is
+only a brief reference to the Ollendorffian method, but no account of
+the man or his history.
+
+Yet he must have existed; OLLENDORFF cannot have been a mere symbol. And
+as students of SHAKSPEARE have endeavoured to reconstruct the man from
+his plays so I feel sure that the character of OLLENDORFF, his interests
+and politics, might very well be reconstructed from a study of his
+dialogues. One must admit that his Teutonic patronymic is an obstacle to
+his revival, but that difficulty can be surmounted by the adoption of an
+_alias_. For example, by the omission of one of the "f's" and the
+transposition of one other letter his name, read backwards, becomes
+Frondello, which is at once euphonious and void of all racial offence.
+
+The Ollendorffian method, it may be noted for the benefit of the
+ignorant, did not merely depend on the employment of question and
+answer; it aimed at conveying information drawn from the homely affairs
+of daily life and the relations between persons belonging to different
+trades and occupations. "Have you," OLLENDORFF would ask, "the hat of
+the gardener's son?" And when this had been duly and correctly
+translated into German or French the pupil proceeded to the answer, "No,
+but I have the boots of the grocer's brother-in-law."
+
+I think OLLENDORFF built better than he knew; or perhaps he did know. A
+strong vein of Socialism runs through all his examples, which seem to
+show a lively appreciation of the Communistic principle. To him there
+was nothing wrong or dangerous in this mutual interchange and enjoyment
+of property. He drew no hard-and-fast lines between _meum_ and _tuum_.
+We cannot help thinking that, at a time when so much depends on the
+fusion of classes, a new edition of these immortal dialogues, brought up
+to date so as to meet the exigencies of the new poor, the new rich, the
+old aristocracy and the new plutocracy, would be fraught with the most
+salutary results.
+
+The following are some crude suggestions of the lines on which the
+revision might be carried out:--
+
+"Have you the leathern waistcoat of the taxi-driver?--"No, but I have
+the reach-me-down trousers of an inferior quality to those worn by the
+village postman."
+
+"Have you the smooth-running automobile of the prosperous grocer?"--"No,
+but I have the loan of the push-bicycle of my former under-gardener's
+uncle."
+
+"Are you going to marry the beautiful daughter of the shoemaker?"--"Yes,
+and her brother has just become engaged to the widow of my cousin the
+marquis."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Arthur Wontner_ (_to himself_). "WELL, I DON'T THINK
+MUCH OF YOUR TASTE IN CLOTHES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE ROMANTIC AGE."
+
+I HOPE that Mr. ALAN MILNE is a good enough critic to agree with me in
+thinking that this is the best play he has so far given us. Not that the
+idea of it is as new as that of his _Mr. Pim_ or his _Wurzel-Flummery_,
+but because, without sacrificing his lightness of touch and his sense of
+fun, he has, for the first time, produced a serious scheme.
+
+People will tell you that his Second Act was the weak spot in the play;
+that the others were brilliant, but that this one, for its first half,
+was tedious and delayed the action. They will say this because they are
+familiar with A. A. M.'s humour, but not with his sentiment. Yet it was
+in this middle Act that he gave us the best passage of all, in
+presenting the philosophy of his pedlar, which had in it something of
+the dewy freshness of the early morning scene in the wood ("morning's at
+seven," as _Pippa_--not _Mr. Pim_--said _en passant_). There was no real
+delay in the action here, for the pedlar was providing the hero with the
+argument without which he could never have persuaded the lady to yield;
+could never have made her understand that Romance is not confined to the
+trunk-and-hose period, or any age, so named, of chivalry, but is to be
+found wherever there is a true companionship of hearts. Unfortunately
+the effect of this passage was a little spoilt by what had just gone
+before--a rather slow and superfluous scene with the village idiot--and
+some of the audience imagined that the author was still marking time.
+
+Mr. MILNE has an individual manner so distinct that he can well afford
+to acknowledge his debt to Sir JAMES BARRIE. As in _Mary Rose_, so here
+(though there are no supernatural forces at work) we have the sharp
+contrast between commonplace life, as lived by the rest, and the life of
+Fairyland, as coming within the vision of one only. And we were reminded
+too of the Midsummer-madness that overtook the company in _Dear Brutus_.
+I won't say that it wasn't natural enough for _Melisande_, under the
+fascination of a moonlit Midsummer Eve, to imagine, when she chanced
+upon a gentleman in fancy dress of the right period, that at last she
+had realised her dream of a hero of romance; but she was stark
+Midsummer-mad to suppose, when she met him early next morning with his
+costume unchanged, that he would keep it on till he came to tea with the
+family, and then, still wearing it, waft her off to Faerie.
+
+But not even BARRIE has ever made a better scene than that which showed
+us the disillusionment of the visionary when she is confronted with her
+blue-and-gold hero of romance now transformed into a plain Stock
+Exchange man, his air of banality enhanced by the last word in golf
+suitings. The humour of this scene, in which she made conventional
+conversation without any real effort to conceal her sense of the bathos
+of the situation, was very perfect. The relatively simple humour of the
+match-making mother--not so simple, all the same, as its spontaneity
+made it appear--had the distinction which one expects of Mr. MILNE; but
+this was far the funniest feature in the play.
+
+It would have been an easy matter to make cheap fun, as MARK TWAIN did
+in _A Yankee at the Court of King Arthur_, out of the popular view of
+the Age of Romance, but A. A. M. avoided that obvious lure. Indeed, in
+his natural anxiety not to be taken too seriously in his first attempt
+to be serious, he rather tended to make light of his own theory of
+modern romance, laying a little too much stress at the end on the
+culinary aspect of conjugal felicity.
+
+I am not sure that Mr. ARTHUR WONTNER (to whom my best wishes for his
+new managership) quite realised, in his doublet and long hose, my idea
+of a figure of mediaeval romance. In fact I am free to confess that I
+disagreed with _Melisande_ and preferred him in his golf-clothes. But
+perhaps that was part of the idea, and Mr. MILNE meant me to feel like
+that. Miss BARBARA HOFFE'S _Melisande_--a difficult part, because she
+was the only other-worldly person in the play and the only one in
+desperate earnest--was very cleverly handled. In her most exalted
+moments of poetic rapture she was never too precious, and when called
+upon for a touch of corrective humour was quick to respond.
+
+Miss LOTTIE VENNE laid herself out in her inimitable way for a broad
+interpretation of the visionary's very earthly mother; indeed once or
+twice she almost laid herself out of the picture; but she still remained
+irresistible. As a pair of light-hearted young lovers Miss DOROTHY
+TETLEY and Mr. JOHN WILLIAMS played really well in parts that were not
+nearly so easy as they looked. And there was the dry humour of Mr.
+BROMLEY-DAVENPORT, as the father (I fear he must have missed the romance
+of twin souls) and the open-air charm of Mr. NICHOLSON'S performance as
+_Gentleman Susan_, the pedlar. In a word, my grateful compliments
+embrace as good a cast as ever caught--and held--the spirit of an
+author.
+
+"PRISCILLA AND THE PROFLIGATE."
+
+When you have been jilted by _Cynthia_ at the church-door and, two days
+afterwards, in a fit of pique marry _Priscilla_ at sight (of course you
+can't always get a _Priscilla_ to consent to this arrangement; but _Mr.
+Bensley Stuart Gore_ had a young ward at school who wanted her freedom;
+so that was all right), you may think to persuade the Faithless One that
+you have given solid proof of your indifference to her. But you mustn't
+dash off to Africa an hour after your wedding with the declared
+intention of being eaten by wild men or wilder beasts, because, if you
+do that, you give your scheme away and _Cynthia_ will have the
+satisfaction of knowing that she has driven you to desperate courses.
+Yet that is what _Mr. Bensley Stuart Gore_ did (he was the "Profligate"
+of the title, though he never gave any noticeable sign of profligacy).
+
+After this strain on my credulity I felt prepared for anything, and was
+not in the least surprised to find him, six years older and still
+intact, on the terrace of the Hotel Casa Bellini, by the dear old shores
+of Lake Maggiore, which, as the programme advised me, is in Italy. It
+seemed, too, the most natural thing in the world that the author, Miss
+LAURA WILDIG, should have collected _Priscilla_ and _Cynthia_ (the
+latter in tow of a third-rate millionaire husband whom she loathed) at
+the same address.
+
+It was at this juncture that _Mr. Bensley Stuart Gore_ was inspired
+with a Great Thought. In order to set _Priscilla_ free (I ought to say
+that he hadn't recognised her) he would elope with _Cynthia_. How
+_Priscilla_ set out to frustrate this noble sacrifice and secure her
+husband for herself; how she bribed the caretaker to lock him up with
+her in the "Bloody Turret" of an adjacent ruin; how subsequently, at 2
+A.M., in the public lounge of the hotel, she tried to work upon his
+emotions by appearing in a black night-dress (surely this rather vulgar
+form of allurement is _demode_ by now even in the suburbs, or, anyhow,
+is not so freshly daring as she seemed to think it), I will leave you to
+imagine. Even Miss IRIS HOEY'S nice soft voice and pleasant _calineries_
+could not quite carry off this rather machine-made trifle. If anything
+saved it, it was the acting of Mr. FRANK DENTON as _Jimmy Forde_.
+Starting as _Bensley's_ "best man," he missed the wedding ceremony
+through going to the wrong church, but after that he stuck close to his
+friend for the remainder of the plot, and greatly endeared himself to
+the audience by the excellent way in which he played the silly ass.
+
+As for _Bensley_ himself, you might have thought that he had a
+sufficiently chequered career, yet Mr. CYRIL RAYMOND got very little
+colour out of the part. For the rest, Mr. H. DE LANGE, as the
+millionaire, got a certain amount out of the subject of his wife's
+indigestion, which was a sort of _leit-motif_ with him; but most of the
+colour seemed to have gone into the scenery, admirably designed and
+painted by Mr. MCCLEERY and Mr. WALTER HANN.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Diner._ "I SAY, WAITER, I'VE ASKED THREE TIMES FOR
+POTATOES."
+
+_Waiter_ (_still under the influence of military discipline_). "BEG
+PARDON, SIR, BUT I'M TOLD OFF TO CONCENTRATE ON THE CABBAGE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LOGS TO BURN."
+
+    "_Logs to burn; logs to burn;
+    Logs to save the coal a turn._"
+
+    HERE's a word to make you wise
+    When you hear the wood-man's cries;
+    Never heed his usual tale
+    That he has splendid logs for sale,
+    But read these lines and really learn
+    The proper kinds of logs to burn.
+
+    Oak logs will warm you well
+      If they're old and dry;
+    Larch logs of pine woods smell,
+      But the sparks will fly.
+    Beech logs for Christmas-time,
+      Yew logs heat well;
+    "Scotch" logs it is a crime
+      For anyone to sell.
+    Birch logs will burn too fast,
+      Chestnut scarce at all;
+    Hawthorn logs are good to last
+      If cut in the Fall.
+    Holly logs will burn like wax,
+      You should burn them green;
+    Elm logs like smouldering flax,
+      No flame to be seen.
+    Pear logs and apple logs,
+      They will scent your room;
+    Cherry logs across the dogs
+      Smell like flowers in bloom.
+    But Ash logs, all smooth and grey,
+      Burn them green or old;
+    Buy up all that come your way,
+      They're worth their weight in gold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"GIRL EYE-MAKER."
+
+_Picture-title in Daily Paper._
+
+Perhaps we ought to mention that the eyes she makes are artificial,
+not "glad."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Discreet Press.
+
+    "Mystery surrounds the Russo-Polish peace negotiations at Riga.
+    According to a Central News message from Warsaw Marshal Pilsudski
+    has had a conference with??????????, the Premier, as to whether
+    demobilisation should take place shortly."--_Evening Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "When he [Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree] was prepared to play _Martin
+    Chuzzlewit_ he wrote to me (and doubtless explained to others) that
+    he was going to present _Mr. Micawber_ as 'a sort of
+    fairy.'"--_Sunday Paper._
+
+We suppose if Sir HERBERT had staged _David Copperfield_ he would have
+cast himself for the husband of _Mrs. Harris_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRIVATE FILM.
+
+MY attention has been drawn to the most recent and perhaps the most
+terrible development of the Cinema by an advertisement, from which I
+take the following extracts:--
+
+    HAVE YOUR OWN FILM TAKEN.
+
+    THE MOST MODERN METHOD OF GAINING PUBLICITY.
+
+    _To Members of Parliament, Mayors, Lecturers and other Public Men
+    and Women._
+
+    "The Cinema has become the cheapest, the surest and most rapid road
+    to publicity. It is estimated that a third of the population attend
+    the Cinema once a week. Messrs. Mump and Gump have therefore fitted
+    up a special studio for film work, in which you can now have your
+    own film taken, representing you in any action you may desire. This
+    method of publicity is specially recommended to Members of
+    Parliament. For instance one can be filmed writing a letter, which
+    can be closed down and handed to a messenger, which action can be
+    followed by the letter itself being thrown on the screen.... Think
+    what this means to a prospective Candidate when he goes to a
+    constituency where he is unknown. He takes with him twenty or more
+    films. Your constituents must see and know you before you can hope
+    for their vote. The Cinema introduces your personality and your
+    policy.
+
+   "Your film will cost you--
+    First reel ... Three guineas.
+    Each extra reel. One guinea."
+
+
+The more I see of business-men the less they seem to me to know about
+business. I never read an advertisement without thinking, "How much
+better I (or even you) could have done that!" Yet they will tell you
+that it is their advertisements which make the money. It only shows....
+However. Messrs. Mump and Gump, for instance, have scarcely skimmed the
+surface possibilities of their brilliant notion. This invention is going
+to make politics tolerable at last. No man minds being in the House of
+Commons; it is being in his constituency which is so dreadful. _And now
+he need never go there._
+
+For instance, when the constituency is tired of the letter-film, he can
+be filmed making a speech, which can be taken down and handed to a
+typist, which action can be followed by the speech itself being thrown
+on the screen--in instalments. The constituency will enjoy this, because
+it will take much less time to read it than it would to listen to it,
+and they can argue out loud about the meaning of Early English phrases
+like Datum-line and Functional Representation. In fact they can go on
+arguing during the _Whips of Sin_ which will follow.
+
+As for the public man, it won't take him two minutes to be filmed making
+the speech, unless, of course, he has any very complicated gestures; and
+it won't take him any time at all to compose it, because the private
+secretary will do that; and the private secretary will be able to make
+sure that his joke about JEREBOAM is not turned into a joke about
+JEHOSHAPHAT at the last minute, or simply shelved in favour of a
+peroration on rainbows. After the speech the M.P. can be filmed opening
+a flowershow and, if necessary, writing a cheque to the local
+hortiphilist society, which cheque can be thrown on the screen amid loud
+applause, but need not, of course, go any further.
+
+There is one other point, but it is rather a delicate matter: Messrs.
+Mump and Gump say to the prospective Candidate, "Your constituents must
+see and know you before you can hope for their vote." Are they quite
+right? I have seen a good many Candidates in my time, and I can think of
+some to whom I should have said, "Your constituents must _never_ see you
+if you hope for a single vote." I mean, when one looks round the present
+House of Commons, one really marvels how.... But perhaps I had better
+not go on with that. The point is that a Candidate of that kind never
+_need_ be seen by his constituents now. A handsome young private
+secretary, uniformed and beribboned, and the film does the rest.
+
+Then I rather resent the assumption that Members of Parliament, Mayors,
+Lecturers and Actors are the only people who require publicity. I should
+have thought that those who spend their time writing things in the
+public Press, which are read by the public (if anybody), might have had
+at least the courtesy title of Public Man. Anyhow, I am going to have
+three guineas' worth. The only question is, what sort of picture will
+most thoroughly "get" my personality before a third of the population
+once a week? The moment when I am most characteristic is when I am lying
+in a hot bath, and to-morrow is Sunday; but I doubt if even a sixth of
+the population would be really keen on that. I don't mind writing a
+letter or two, only, if it meant an extra reel every time I decided to
+write it to-morrow instead, it would be rather a costly advertisement.
+
+Really, I suppose, one ought to be done _At Work in His Study_; but even
+that would require a good deal of faking. Ought one, for instance, to
+remove the golf-balls and the cocoa-cup (and the rhyming dictionary)
+from The Desk? Then I always write with a decayed pencil, and that would
+look so bad. Messrs. Mump and Gump would have to throw in a quill-pen.
+And I have no Study. I work in the drawingroom, when the children are
+not playing in it. To go into The Study I simply walk over to my table
+and put up a large notice: "THE STUDY. DO NOT SPEAK TO ME. I AM
+THINKING." Do you think that had better be in the film?
+
+Or I wonder if a Comic would be more effective--a Shaving reel or a
+Dressing reel? It is the small incidents of every-day life that one
+should look to for the key to the character of a Public Man; and once a
+whole third of the population had seen for themselves what pain it gives
+me to put links and studs and all those things in a clean shirt, they
+would understand the strange note of melancholy which runs through this
+article.
+
+But of course an author should have several different reels
+corresponding to the different kinds of work which he wants to
+publicitise. (That is a new word which I have just invented, but you
+will find it in common use in a month or two.) People like Mr. BELLOC
+will probably require the full politician's ration of twenty or more,
+but the ordinary writer might rub along with four or five.
+
+When his _Pug, Wog and Pussy_ is on the market there will be a Family
+reel, in which he is pretending to be a tree and the children are
+climbing it. And when he has just published _The Cruise of the Cow_;
+or, _Seven Hours at Sea_, he will be seen with an intense expression
+tying a bowline on a bight or madly hauling on the throat-halyard--at
+Messrs. Mump and Gump's specially-equipped ponds. And for his
+passionate romance, _The Borrowed Bride_---- But I don't know what he
+will do then.
+
+And even now we have not exhausted the list of Public Men. There are
+clergymen. Don't you feel that some of those sermons might be thrown on
+the screen--and left there? A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Merry Bishop.
+
+    The Dean of CAPE TOWN with a critical frown
+      To the jests of St. Albans' gay Bishop demurs;
+    But the Bishop denies the offence and implies
+      'Tis the way of all asses to nibble at FURSE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Harvest Festival celebrations took place at St. John's Church on
+    Sunday evening, when the choir rendered the anthem 'Praise the young
+    ladies of the choir.'"--_Yorkshire Paper._
+
+And we have no doubt they deserved it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Butcher_ (_at conclusion of scathing criticism of
+horse_). "WELL, THAT'S MY OPINION, ANYWAY. AND I OUGHT TO KNOW SOMETHING
+BY NOW ABOUT A BIT OF 'ORSEFLESH WHEN I SEES IT."
+
+_Groom._ "YES--AND SO OUGHT YOUR CUSTOMERS TOO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+How you regard Miss MAY SINCLAIR'S latest story, _The Romantic_
+(COLLINS), will entirely depend upon your attitude towards the
+long-vexed question of the permissible in art. If you hold that all life
+(which in this association generally means something disagreeable) is
+its legitimate province and that genius can transmute an ugly study of
+morbid pathology into a romance, you will admire the force of this vivid
+little book; otherwise, I warn you frankly, you are like to be repelled
+by the whole business. The title, to begin with, is an irony as grim as
+anything that follows, in what sense you will find as the story reveals
+itself. _The Romantic_ is a picture--what do I say? a vivisection--of
+cowardice, seen through the horrified eyes of a woman who loved the
+subject of it. The scene is the Belgian battlefields, to which _John
+Conway_, being unfitted for active service, had taken out a
+motor-ambulance, with _Charlotte Redhead_ as one of his drivers. All the
+background of this part of the tale is wonderfully realised, a thing of
+actual and unforgetable experience. Here gradually the first tragedy of
+_Conway_ is made clear, though shielded and ignored as long as possible
+by the loyalty of fellow-workers and the obstinate disbelief of the
+girl. Perhaps you think I am making too much of it all; treacherous
+nerves were the lot of many spiritually noble men in that hell. But
+little by little conviction of a deeper, less understandable, horror
+creeps upon the reader, only to be explained and confirmed on the last
+page. To be honest, _The Romantic_ is an ugly, a detestably ugly book,
+but of its cleverness there can be no question.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It would appear that Mr. A. E. W. MASON is another of those who hold
+that the day of war-novels is not yet done. Anyhow, _The Summons_
+(HODDER AND STOUGHTON) shows him dealing out all the old familiar cards,
+spies and counter-spies, submarines and petrol bases and secret ink. It
+must be admitted that the result is unexpectedly archaic. Perhaps also
+Mr. MASON hardly gives himself a fair chance. The "summons" to his hero
+(who, being familiar with the Spanish coast, is required when War breaks
+out to use this knowledge for submarine-thwarting) is too long delayed,
+and all the non-active service part of the tale suffers from a very dull
+love-interest and some even more dreary racing humour. Archaic or not,
+however, _Hillyard's_ anti-spy adventures, in an exquisite setting that
+the author evidently knows as well as his hero, are good fun enough. But
+the home scenes had (for me at least) a lack of grip and conviction by
+no means to be looked for from a writer of Mr. MASON'S experience. His
+big thrill, the suicide of the lady who first sends by car to the local
+paper the story of her end and then waits to confirm this by telephone
+before making it true, left me incredulous. I'm afraid _The Summons_ can
+hardly be said to have found Mr. MASON in his customary form.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"To write another person's life-history in the first person, and yet
+give to it the verisimilitude of a genuine autobiography, would under
+ordinary circumstances be a difficult if not impossible undertaking." So
+Mr. C. E. GOULDSBURY tells us in a note to _Reminiscences of a Stowaway_
+(CHAPMAN AND HALL), and most of us will cordially agree with him. But,
+after reading this volume of reminiscences, I think you will also agree
+that Mr. GOULDSBURY has acquitted himself admirably of a most difficult
+task. The man into whose skin, if I may so express it, he has
+temporarily tried to fit himself was Mr. ALEXANDER DOUGLAS LARYMORE, who
+started his adventurous career as a stowaway in an "old iron tub," and
+eventually became Inspector-General of Jails in India. For nearly forty
+years Mr. GOULDSBURY was Mr. LARYMORE'S intimate friend, and has had
+sufficient data at his disposal to do justice to what was a remarkably
+full and interesting life. Possibly those of us who retain a tender spot
+in our hearts for stowaways may regret that Mr. LARYMORE grew tired of
+the sea; but his adventures were as numerous and amusing on land as on
+water, and they are also valuable for the strong light they throw on the
+India of some years ago. Mr. GOULDSBURY has at once provided a lasting
+tribute to the memory of his friend and written a book which both in
+style and matter would be hard to beat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The King._ "LOOK HERE--THIS THRONE WON'T DO; IT IS
+IMPOSSIBLE FOR US TO LOOK DIGNIFIED IN IT."
+
+_The Artificer._ "I'M SORRY, YOUR MAJESTY. THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE. I
+GOT IT IN MY 'EAD THAT YOUR MAJESTY ORDERED A _LOUNGE_ THRONE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Are you a victim to the _Tarzan_ habit? Perhaps your eye may have been
+caught by the word on bookstalls as the generic title of an increasing
+pile of volumes; but knowing, like myself, that all things explain
+themselves in time, you may have been content to leave it at that.
+Meanwhile, however, the thing has continued to spread, till on the
+wrapper of _Tarzan the Untamed_ (METHUEN), which now at last finds me
+out, its publishers are able to number its devotees in millions. Well,
+of course the outstanding fact about such popularity is that in face of
+it any affectation of superiority becomes simply silly. One has got to
+accept this creation of Mr. EDGAR RICE BURROUGHS as among the definite
+literary phenomena of our time. In the immediate spasm before me
+_Tarzan_ (who is, if you need telling, a kind of horribly exaggerated
+_Mowgli_ after a diet of the Food of the Gods) is represented as placing
+himself at the disposal of the British forces in East Africa, and
+attacking the Germans with man-eating lions. The rather chastening
+feature of which was my own unexpected enjoyment of the idea. Even, for
+one disconcerting moment, like the persons in the admonitory anecdotes
+who taste opium "just for fun," I began to feel that perhaps.... However
+it passed, and the temptation has not returned. Meanwhile the real
+nature of Tarzanism, whether some sinister possession or simply the
+age-long appetite for the monstrous, just now a little out of hand,
+remains as far from solution as ever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HORACE BLEACKLEY, whose last excursion into political fiction was a
+description of an opera-bouffe Labour Government in action, addresses
+himself, in _The Monster_ (HEINEMANN), to a more serious theme. His
+monster is the factory system, and if I say that this witty novel will
+provide the ignorant and comfortable with instruction as well as
+entertainment I hope I shan't have done him any harm. The author, while
+making his points against the system, notes truly enough that the risen
+ranker, the one who had been through the dreadful mill, with its
+ninety-hour working week for children, became the hardest master during
+that wonderful period of the Manchesterising of England which laid the
+train for the explosions of our present discontents. He reminds us also
+of that admirable speech, made about every ten years for the last
+hundred or so in the House with the same fervour and conviction, to the
+effect that any change in conditions or wages would surely mean the
+complete ruin of the country. A comforting speech, that! Perhaps Mr.
+BLEACKLEY, presenting three generations from Peterloo to the Jubilee of
+QUEEN VICTORIA, covers too much ground for full effect, but he has
+pleasantly gilded a wholesome pill for pleasant people. Good luck to
+him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I did not take the publishers' statement that _Pengard Awake_ (METHUEN)
+was "entirely unlike Mr. STRAUS'S previous stories" as a recommendation,
+however alluring it was intended to be, for he has good and enjoyable
+work to his credit. I doubt, indeed, if he has yet written a book more
+acceptable to the novel-reading public than this tale of "action,
+mystery and wonderful adventures" (again I quote from the paper
+wrapper). Possibly in a so-called mystery book the author ought to have
+his readers guessing all the time, but if I was not perpetually engaged
+in this rather exhausting pursuit I was, at any rate, intrigued.
+_Pengard_, who is also _Sylvester_, and yet is neither the one nor the
+other, may be too much for your saner moments of credulity. But Mr.
+STRAUS tells his queer story so plausibly and with so light a touch that
+even though you may affect to scoff at his dashing improbabilities you
+cannot escape their attraction. Indeed Mr. STRAUS'S adventure into
+fields hitherto strange to him has been so successful that I am inclined
+to ask him to continue cultivating them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Life's Little Contradictions.
+
+"Now mind, you know, if I kill you it's nothing, but if you kill me, by
+Jingo, it's murder." This remark was put by JOHN LEECH into the lips of
+a small Special Constable, represented as menacing a gigantic ruffian,
+and was not, as you might think, addressed by a Sinn Feiner to a member
+of the Royal Irish Constabulary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Messrs. W. H. Smith & Son.
+
+Mr. Punch wishes to offer the most sincere congratulations to his old
+friends on the occasion of the centenary of their firm.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+159, October 27, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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