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diff --git a/20512-8.txt b/20512-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c7455d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/20512-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10384 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Man and Maid, by Elinor Glyn + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Man and Maid + +Author: Elinor Glyn + +Release Date: February 3, 2007 [EBook #20512] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAN AND MAID *** + + + + +Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + ++---------------------------------------------------------------------+ +| Transcriber's Notes | +| | +| 1. Where possible, punctuation has been normalized to contemporary | +| standards. | +| 2. Diacritical marks are as they appeared in the printed book, and | +| may not reflect current usage. | +| 3. Obvious typographic and spelling errors have been corrected. | ++---------------------------------------------------------------------+ + +[Illustration: Suzette (Renee Adoree) makes the tedious hours of the +wounded Sir Nicholas Thormonde (Lew Cody) seem less monotonous. (A scene +from Elinor Glyn's production "Man and Maid" for Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer)] + +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +MAN AND MAID + +By ELINOR GLYN + +A. L. BURT COMPANY +Publishers New York + +Published by arrangement with J. B. Lippincott Company +Printed in U.S.A. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + +COPYRIGHT, 1922, BY ELINOR GLYN + +----------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + + +MAN AND MAID + +I + + + February, 1918. + +I am sick of my life--The war has robbed it of all that a young man can +find of joy. + +I look at my mutilated face before I replace the black patch over the +left eye, and I realize that, with my crooked shoulder, and the leg gone +from the right knee downwards, that no woman can feel emotion for me +again in this world. + +So be it--I must be a philosopher. + +Mercifully I have no near relations--Mercifully I am still very rich, +mercifully I can buy love when I require it, which under the +circumstances, is not often. + +Why do people write journals? Because human nature is filled with +egotism. There is nothing so interesting to oneself as oneself; and +journals cannot yawn in one's face, no matter how lengthy the expression +of one's feelings may be! + +A clean white page is a sympathetic thing, waiting there to receive +one's impressions! + +Suzette supped with me, here in my _appartement_ last night--When she +had gone I felt a beast. I had found her attractive on Wednesday, and +after an excellent lunch, and two Benedictines, I was able to persuade +myself that her tenderness and passion were real, and not the result of +some thousands of francs,--And then when she left I saw my face in the +glass without the patch over the socket, and a profound depression fell +upon me. + +Is it because I am such a mixture that I am this rotten creature?--An +American grandmother, a French mother, and an English father. +Paris--Eton--Cannes--Continuous traveling. Some years of living and +enjoying a rich orphan's life.--The war--fighting--a zest hitherto +undreamed of--unconsciousness--agony--and then?--well now Paris again +for special treatment. + +Why do I write this down? For posterity to take up the threads +correctly?--Why? + +From some architectural sense in me which must make a beginning, even of +a journal, for my eyes alone, start upon a solid basis? + +I know not--and care not. + + * * * * * + +Three charming creatures are coming to have tea with me to-day. They had +heard of my loneliness and my savageness from Maurice--They burn to give +me their sympathy--and have tea with plenty of sugar in it--and +chocolate cake. + +I used to wonder in my salad days what the brains of women were made +of--when they have brains!--The cleverest of them are generally devoid +of a logical sense, and they seldom understand the relative value of +things, but they make the charm of life, for one reason or another. + +When I have seen these three I will dissect them. A divorcée--a war +widow of two years--and the third with a husband fighting. + +All, Maurice assures me, ready for anything, and highly attractive. It +will do me a great deal of good, he protests. We shall see. + +_Night._ They came, with Maurice and Alwood Chester, of the American Red +Cross. They gave little shrill screams of admiration for the room. + +"_Quel endroit delicieux!_--What _boiserie_! English?--Yes, of course, +English _dix-septième_, one could see--What silver!--and cleaned--And +everything of a _chic_!--And the hermit so _séduisant_ with his air +_maussade_!--_Hein._" + +"Yes, the war is much too long--One has given of one's time in the first +year--but now, really, fatigue has overcome one!--and surely after the +spring offensive peace _must_ come soon--and one must live!" + +They smoked continuously and devoured the chocolate cake, then they had +liqueurs. + +They were so well dressed! and so lissome. They wore elastic corsets, or +none at all. They were well painted; cheeks of the new tint, rather +apricot coloured--and magenta lips. They had arranged themselves when +they had finished munching, bringing out their gold looking-glasses and +their lip grease and their powder--and the divorcee continued to +endeavour to enthrall my senses with her voluptuous half closing of the +eyes, while she reddened her full mouth. + +They spoke of the theatre, and the last _bons mots_ about their _chères +amies_--the last liasons--the last passions--They spoke of +Gabrielle--her husband was killed last week--'So foolish of him, since +one of Alice's 'friends' among the Ministers could easily have got him a +soft job, and one must always help one's friends! Alice adored +Gabrielle.--But he has left her well provided for--Gabrielle will look +well in her crepe--and there it is, war is war--_Que voulez vous?_' + +"After all, will it be as agreeable if peace does come this summer?--One +will be able to dance openly--that will be nice--but for the rest? It +may be things will be more difficult--and there may be complications. +One has been very well during the war--very well, indeed--_N'est ce pas +ma cherie--n'est ce pas?_" + +Thus they talked. + +The widow's lover is married, Maurice tells me, and has been able to +keep his wife safely down at their place in Landes, but if peace should +come he must be _en famille_, and the wife can very well be disagreeable +about the affair. + +The divorcée's three lovers will be in Paris at the same time. The +married one's husband returned for good--"Yes, certainly, peace will +have its drawbacks--The war knows its compensations--But considerable +ones!" + +When they had departed, promising to return very soon--to dinner this +time, and see all the "exquisite _appartement_," Burton came into the +room to take away the tea things. His face was a mask as he swept up the +cigarette ash, which had fallen upon the William and Mary English lac +table, which holds the big lamp, then he carefully carried away the +silver ash trays filled with the ends, and returned with them cleaned. +Then he coughed slightly. + +"Shall I open the window, Sir Nicholas?" + +"It is a beastly cold evening." + +He put an extra log on the fire and threw the second casement wide. + +"You'll enjoy your dinner better now, Sir," he said, and left me +shivering. + + * * * * * + +I wish I were a musician, I could play to myself. I have still my two +hands, though perhaps my left shoulder hurts too much to play often. My +one eye aches when I read for too long, and the stump below the knee is +too tender still to fit the false leg on to, and I cannot, because of my +shoulder, use my crutch overmuch, so walking is out of the question. +These trifles are perhaps, the cause of my ennui with life. + +I suppose such women as those who came to-day fulfill some purpose in the +scheme of things. One can dine openly with them at the most exclusive +restaurant, and not mind meeting one's relations. They are rather more +expensive than the others--pearl necklaces--sables--essence for their +motor cars--these are their prices.--They are so decorative, too, and +before the war were such excellent tango partners. These three are all +of the best families, and their relations stick to them in the +background, so they are not altogether _déclassé_. Maurice says they are +the most agreeable women in Paris, and get the last news out of the +Generals. They are seen everywhere, and Coralie, the married one, wears +a Red Cross uniform sometimes at tea--if she happens to remember to go +into a hospital for ten minutes to hold some poor fellow's hand. + +Yes, I suppose they have their uses--there are a horde of them, anyway. + +To-morrow Maurice is bringing another specimen to divert me--American +this time--over here for "war work." Maurice says one of the cleverest +adventuresses he has ever met; and I am still irresistible, he assures +me, so I must be careful--(for am I not disgustingly rich!) + +Burton is sixty years old--He is my earliest recollection. Burton knows +the world. + + * * * * * + +_Friday_--The American adventuress delighted me. She was so shrewd. Her +eyes are cunning and evil--her flesh is round and firm, she is not +extremely painted, and her dresses are quite six inches below her knees. + +She has two English peers in tow, and any casual Americans of note whom +she can secure who will give her facilities in life. She, also, is +posing for a 'lady' and 'a virtuous woman,' and an ardent war worker. + +All these parasites are the product of the war, though probably they +always existed, but the war has been their glorious chance. There is a +new verb in America, Maurice says--"To war work"--It means to get to +Paris, and have a splendid time. + +Their _toupé_ is surprising! To hear this one talk one would think she +ruled all the politics of the allies, and directed each General. + + * * * * * + +Are men fools?--Yes, imbeciles--they cannot see the wiles of woman. +Perhaps I could not when I was a human male whom they could love! + +Love?--did I say love? + +Is there such a thing?--or is it only a sex excitement for the +moment!--That at all events is the sum of what these creatures know. + +Do they ever think?--I mean beyond planning some fresh adventure for +themselves, or how to secure some fresh benefit. + +I cannot now understand how a man ever marries one of them, gives his +name and his honour into such precarious keeping. Once I suppose I +should have been as easy a prey as the rest. But not _now_--I have too +much time to think, I fear. I seem to find some ulterior motive in +whatever people say or do. + +To-day another American lunched with me, a bright girl, an heiress of the +breezy, jolly kind, a good sort before the war, whom I danced with +often. She told me quite naturally that she had a German prisoner's +thigh bone being polished into an umbrella handle--She had assisted at +the amputation--and the man had afterwards died--"A really cute +souvenir," she assured me it was going to be! + +Are we all mad--? + +No wonder the finest and best "go West."--Will they come again, souls of +a new race, when all these putrid beings have become extinguished by +time? I hope so to God.... + +These French women enjoy their crepe veils--and their high-heeled shoes, +and their short black skirts, even a cousin is near enough for the +trappings of woe.--Can any of us feel woe now?--I think not.... + +Maurice has his uses--Were I a man once more I should despise +Maurice--He is so good a creature, such a devoted hanger on of the very +rich--and faithful too. Does he not pander to my every fancy, and +procure me whatever I momentarily desire? + +How much better if I had been killed outright! I loathe myself and all +the world. + + * * * * * + +Once--before the war--the doing up of this flat caused me raptures. To +get it quite English--in Paris! Every _antiquaire_ in London had +exploited me to his heart's content. I paid for it through the nose, but +each bit is a gem. I am not quite sure now what I meant to do with it +when finished, occupy it when I did come to Paris--lend it to +friends?--I don't remember--Now it seems a sepulchre where I can retire +my maimed body to and wait for the end. + + * * * * * + +Nina once proposed to stay with me here, no one should know, +Nina?--would she come now?--How dare they make this noise at the +door--what is it?--Nina! + + * * * * * + +_Sunday_--it was actually Nina herself--"Poor darling Nicholas," she +said. "The kindest fate sent me across--I 'wangled' a passport--really +serious war work, and here I am for a fortnight, even in war time one +_must_ get a few clothes--" + +I could see I was a great shock to her, my attraction for her had +gone--I was just "poor darling Nicholas," and she began to be +motherly--Nina motherly!--She would have been furious at the very idea +once. Nina is thirty-nine years old, her boy has just gone into the +flying corps, she is so glad the war will soon be over. + +She loves her boy. + +She gave me news of the world, our old world of idle uselessness, which +is now one of solid work. + +"Why have you completely cut yourself off from everything and everybody, +ever since you first went out to fight?--Very silly of you." + +"When I was a _man_ and could fight, I liked fighting, and never wanted +to see any of you again. You all seemed rotters to me, so I spent my +leaves in the country or here. Now you seem glorious beings, and I the +rotter. I am no use at all--" + +Nina came close to me and touched my hand-- + +"Poor darling Nicholas," she said again. + +Something hurt awfully, as I realized that to touch me now caused her no +thrill. No woman will ever thrill again when I am near. + +Nina does know all about clothes! She is the best-dressed Englishwoman I +have ever seen. She has worked awfully well for the war, too, I hear, +she deserves her fortnight in Paris. + +"What are you going to do, Nina?" I asked her. + +She was going out to theatres every night, and going to dine with lots +of delicious 'red tabs' whose work was over here, whom she had not seen +for a long time. + +"I'm just going to frivol, Nicholas, I am tired of work." + +Nothing could exceed her kindness--a mother's kindness. + +I tried to take an interest in everything she said, only it seemed such +aeons away. As though I were talking in a dream. + +She would go plodding on at her war job when she got back again, of +course, but she, like everyone else, is war weary. + +"And when peace comes--it will soon come now probably--what then?" + +"I believe I shall marry again." + +I jumped--I had never contemplated the possibility of Nina marrying, she +has always been a widowed institution, with her nice little house in +Queen Street, and that wonderful cook. + +"What on earth for?" + +"I want the companionship and devotion of one man." + +"Anyone in view?" + +"Yes--one or two--they say there is a shortage of men, I have never +known so many men in my life." + +Then presently, when she had finished her tea, she said-- + +"You are absolutely out of gear, Nicholas--Your voice is rasping, your +remarks are bitter, and you must be awfully unhappy, poor boy." + +I told her that I was--there was no use in lying. + +"Everything is finished," I said, and she bent down and kissed me as she +said good-bye--a mother's kiss. + + * * * * * + +And now I am alone, and what shall I do all the evening? or all the +other evenings--? I will send for Suzette to dine. + + * * * * * + +_Night_--Suzette--was amusing--. I told her at once I did not require +her to be affectionate. + +"You can have an evening's rest from blandishments, Suzette." + +"_Merci!_"--and then she stretched herself, kicked up her little feet, +in their short-vamped, podgy little shoes, with four-inch heels, and lit +a cigarette. + +"Life is hard, _Mon ami_"--she told me--"And now that the English are +here, it is difficult to keep from falling in love." + +For a minute I thought she was going to insinuate that I had aroused her +reflection--I warmed--but no--She had taken me seriously when I told her +I required no blandishments. + +That ugly little twinge came to me again. + +"You like the English?" + +"Yes." + +"Why?" + +"They are very _bons garçons_, they are clean, and they are fine men, +they have sentiment, too--Yes, it is difficult not to feel," she sighed. + +"What do you do when you fall in love then, Suzette?" + +"_Mon ami_, I immediately go for a fortnight to the sea--one is lost if +one falls in love _dans le metier_--The man tramples then--tramples and +slips off--For everything good one must never feel." + +"But you have a kind heart Suzette--you feel for me?" + +"_Hein?_"--and she showed all her little white pointed +teeth--"Thou?--Thou art very rich, _mon chou_. Women will always feel +for thee!" + +It went in like a knife it was so true--. + +"I was a very fine Englishman once," I said. + +"It is possible, thou art still, sitting, and showing the right +profile--and full of _chic_--and then rich, rich!" + +"You could not forget that I am rich, Suzette?" + +"If I did I might love you--_Jamais!_" + +"And does the sea help to prevent an attack?"-- + +"Absence--and I go to a poor place I knew when I was young, and I wash +and cook, and make myself remember what _la vie dure_ was--and would be +again if one loved--Bah! that does it. I come back cured--and ready only +to please such as thou, Nicholas!--rich, rich!" + + * * * * * + +And she laughed again her rippling gay laugh-- + +We had a pleasant evening, she told me the history of her life--or some +of it--They were ever the same from Lucien's Myrtale. + + * * * * * + +When all of me is aching--Shall I too, find solace if I go to the sea? + +Who knows? + + + + +II + + +I have been through torture this week--The new man wrenches my shoulder +each day, it will become straight eventually, he says. They have tried +to fit the false leg also, so those two things are going on, but the +socket is not yet well enough for anything to be done to my left eye--so +that has defeated them. It will be months before any real improvement +takes place. + +There are hundreds of others who are more maimed than I--in greater +pain--more disgusting--does it give them any comfort to tell the truth +to a journal?--or are they strong enough to keep it all locked up in +their hearts?--I used to care to read, all books bore me now--I cannot +take interest in any single thing, and above all, I loathe myself--My +soul is angry. + +Nina came again, to luncheon this time. It was pouring with rain, an +odious day. She told me of her love affairs--as a sister might--Nina a +sister! + +She can't make up her mind whether to take Jim Bruce or Rochester +Moreland, they are both Brigadiers now, Jim is a year younger than she +is. + +"Rochester is really more my mate, Nicholas," she said, "but then there +are moments when I am with him when I am not sure if he would not bore +me eventually, and he has too much character for me to suppress--Jim +fascinates me, but I only hold him because he is not sure of me--If I +marry him he will be, and then I shall have to watch my looks, and +remember to play the game all the time, and it won't be restful--above +all, I want rest and security." + +"You are not really in love with either, Nina?" + +"Love?" and she smoothed out the fringe on her silk jersey with her +war-hardened hand--the hand I once loved to kiss--every blue vein on +it!--"I often, wonder what really is love, Nicholas--I thought I loved +you before the war--but, of course, I could not have--because I don't +feel anything now--and if I had really loved you, I suppose it would not +have made any difference." + +Then she realized what she had said and got up and came closer to me. + +"That was cruel of me, I did not mean to be--I love you awfully as a +sister--always." + +"Sister Nina!--well, let us get back to love--perhaps the war has killed +it--or it has developed everything, perhaps it now permits a sensitive, +delicious woman like you to love two men." + +"You see, we have become so complicated"--she puffed smoke rings at +me--"One man does not seem to fulfill the needs of every mood--Rochester +would not understand some things that Jim would, and _vice versa_--I do +not feel any glamour about either, but it is rest and certainty, as I +told you, Nicholas, I am so tired of working and going home to Queen +Street alone." + +"Shall you toss up?" + +"No--Rochester is coming up from the front to-morrow just for the night, +I am going to dine with him at Larue's--alone, I shall sample him all +the time--I sampled Jim when he was last in London a fortnight ago--" + +"You will tell me about it when you have decided, won't you, Nina. You +see I have become a brother, and am interested in the psychological +aspects of things." + +"Of course I will"--then she went on meditatively, her rather plaintive +voice low. + +"I think all our true feeling is used up, Nicholas--our souls--if we +have souls--are blunted by the war agony. Only our senses still feel. +When Jim looks at me with his attractive blue eyes, and I see the D.S.O. +and the M.C., and his white nice teeth--and how his hair is brushed, and +how well his uniform fits, I have a jolly all-overish sensation--and I +don't much listen to what he is saying--he says lots of love--and I +think I would really like him all the time. Then, when he has gone I +think of other things, and I feel he would not understand a word about +them, and because he isn't there I don't feel the delicious all-overish +sensation, so I rather decide to marry Rochester--there would be such +risk--because when you are married to a man, it is possible to get much +fonder of him. Jim is a year younger than I am--It would be a strain, +perhaps in a year or two--especially if I got fond." + +"You had better take the richer," I told her--"Money stands by one, it +is an attraction which even the effects of war never varies or lessens," +and I could hear that there was bitterness in my voice. + +"You are quite right," Nina said, taking no notice of it--"but I don't +want money--I have enough for every possible need, and my boy has his +own. I want something kind and affectionate to live with." + +"You want a master--and a slave." + +"Yes." + +"Nina, when you loved me--what did you want?" + +"Just you, Nicholas--just you." + +"Well, I am here now, but an eye and a leg gone, and a crooked shoulder, +changes me;--so it is true love--even the emotion of the soul, depends +upon material things--" + +Nina thought for a while. + +"Perhaps not the emotion of the soul--if we have souls?--but what we +know of love now certainly does. I suppose there are people who can love +with the soul, I am not one of them." + +"Well, you are honest, Nina." + +She had her coffee and liqueur, she was graceful and composed and +refined, either Jim or Rochester will have a very nice wife. + +Burton coughed when she had left. + +"Out with it, Burton!" + +"Mrs. Ardilawn is a kind lady, Sir Nicholas." + +"Charming." + +"I believe you'd be better with some lady to look after you, Sir--." + +"To hell with you. Telephone for Mr. Maurice--I don't want any woman--we +can play piquet." + +This is how my day ended--. + +Maurice and piquet--then the widow and the divorcée for dinner--and now +alone again! The sickening rot of it all. + + * * * * * + +_Sunday_--Nina came for tea--she feels that I am a great comfort to her +in this moment of her life, so full of indecision--It seems that Jim has +turned up too, at the Ritz, where Rochester still is, and that his +physical charm has upset all her calculations again. + +"I am really very worried Nicholas," she said, "and you, who are a dear +family friend"--I am a family friend now!--"ought to be able to help +me." + +"What the devil do you want me to do, Nina?--outset them both, and ask +you to marry me?" + +"My dearest Nicholas!" it seemed to her that I had suggested that she +should marry father Xmas! "How funny you are!" + +Once it was the height of her desire--Nina is eight years older than I +am--I can see now her burning eyes one night on the river in the June of +1914, when she insinuated, not all playfully, that it would be good to +wed. + +"I think you had better take Jim my dear, after all. You are evidently +becoming in love with him and you have proved to me that the physical +charm matters most,--or if you are afraid of that, you had better do as +another little friend of mine does when she is attracted--she takes a +fortnight at the sea!" + +"The sea would be awful in this weather! I should send for both in +desperation!" and she laughed and began to take an interest in the +furnishings of my flat. She looked over it, and Burton pointed out all +its merits to her (My crutch hurts my shoulder so much to-day I did not +want to move out of my chair). I could hear Burton's remarks, but they +fell upon unheeding ears--Nina is not cut out for a nurse, my poor +Burton, if you only knew--! + +When she returned to my sitting room tea was in, and she poured it out +for me, and then she remarked. + +"We have grown so awfully selfish, haven't we, Nicholas, but we aren't +such hypocrites as we were before the war. People still have lovers, but +they don't turn up their eyes so much at other people having them, as +they used. There is more tolerance--the only thing you cannot do is to +act publicly so that your men friends cannot defend you--'You must not +throw your bonnet over the windmills'--otherwise you can do as you +please--." + +"You had not thought of taking either Jim or Rochester for a lover to +make certain which you prefer?" + +Nina looked unspeakably shocked--. + +"What a dreadful idea Nicholas!--I am thinking of both _seriously_, not +only to pass the time of day remember." + +"That is all lovers are for, then Nina?--I used to think--." + +"Never mind what you thought, there is no reason to insult me." + +"Nothing was farther from my desire." + +Nina's face cleared, as it had darkened ominously. + +"What will you do if, having married Rochester, you find yourself +bored--Will you send for Jim again?" + +"Certainly not, that would be disaster. I shan't plunge until I feel +pretty certain I am going to find the water just deep enough, and not +too deep--and if I do make a mistake, well I shall have to stick to it." + +"By Jove what a philosopher," and I laughed--She poured out a second cup +of tea, and then she looked steadily at me, as though studying a new +phase of me. + +"You are not a bit worse off than Tom Green, Nicholas, and he has not +got your money, and Tom is as jolly as anything, and everybody loves +him, though he is a hopeless cripple, and can't even look decent, as you +will be able to in a year or two. There is no use in having this +sentiment about war heroes that would make one put up with their +tempers, and their cynicism! Everybody is in the same boat, women and +men, we chance being maimed by bombs, and we are losing our looks with +rough work--for goodness sake stop being so soured--." + +I laughed outright--it was all so true. + + * * * * * + +_Friday_--Maurice brings people to play bridge every afternoon now. Nina +has gone back to England--having decided to take Jim! + +It came about in this way--She flew in to tell me the last evening +before she left for Havre. She was breathless running up the stairs, as +something had gone wrong with the lift. + +"Jim and I are engaged!" + +"A thousand congratulations." + +"Rochester had a dinner for me on Wednesday night. All the jolliest +people in Paris--some of those dear French who have been so nice to us +all along, and some of the War Council and the Ryvens, and so on--and, +do you know, Nicholas--I _heard_ Rochester telling Madame de Clerté the +same story about his _bon mot_ when a shell broke at Avicourt--as I had +already heard him tell Admiral Short, and Daisy Ryven!--that decided +me--. There was an element of self-glorification in that modest +story--and a man who would tell it _three times_, is not for me! In ten +years I should grow into being the listener victim--I could not face it! +So I said good-bye to him in the corridor, before up to my room--and I +telephoned to Jim, who was in his room on the Cambon side, and he came +round in the morning!" + +"Was Rochester upset?" + +"Rather! but a man of his age--he is forty-two, who can tell a +self-story three times is going to get cured soon, so I did not worry." + +"And what did Jim say?" + +"He was enchanted, he said he knew it would end like that--give a man of +forty-two rope enough and he'll be certain to hang himself, he said, +and, Oh! Nicholas--Jim is a darling, he is getting quite masterful--I +adore him!" + +"Senses winning, Nina! Women only like physical masters." + +She grew radiant. Never has she seemed so desirable. "I don't care a fig +Nicholas! If it is senses, well, then, I know it is the best thing in +the World, and a woman of my age can't have everything. I adore Jim! We +are going to be married the first moment he can get leave again--and I +shall 'wangle' him into being a 'red tab'--he has fought enough." + +"And if meanwhile he should get maimed like me--what then, Nina?" + +She actually paled. + +"Don't be so horrid Nicholas--Jim--Oh! I can't bear it!" and being a +strict Protestant, she crossed herself--to avert bad luck! + +"We won't think of anything but joy and happiness, Nina, but it is +quite plain to me you had better have a fortnight at the sea!" + +She had forgotten the allusion, and turned puzzled brown eyes upon me. + +"You know--to balance yourself when you feel you are falling in love"--I +reminded her. + +"Oh! It is all stuff and nonsense! I know now I adore Jim--good-bye +Nicholas"--and she hugged me--as a sister--a mother--and a family +friend--and was off down the stairs again. + +Burton had brought me in a mild gin and seltzer, and it was on the tray, +near, so I drank it, and said to myself, "Here is to the Senses--jolly +good things"--and then I telephoned to Suzette to come and dine. + + * * * * * + +There is a mole on the left cheek of Suzette, high up near her eye, +there are three black hairs in it--I had never seen them until this +morning--_c'est fini_--_je ne puis plus_! + + * * * * * + +Of course we have all got moles with three black hairs in them--and the +awful moment is when suddenly they are seen--That is the tragedy of +life--disillusion. + +I cannot help being horribly introspective, Maurice would agree to +whatever I said, so there is no use in talking to him--I rush to this +journal, it cannot look at me with fond watery eyes of reproach and +disapproval--as Burton would if I let myself go to him. + +_May 16th_--The times have been too anxious to write, it is over two +months since I opened this book. But it cannot be, it cannot be that we +shall be beaten--Oh! God--why am I not a man again to fight! The raids +are continuous--All the fluffies and nearly everyone left Paris in the +ticklish March and April times, but now their fears are lulled a little +and many have returned, and they rush to cinemas and theatres, to kill +time, and jump into the rare taxis to go and see the places where the +raid bombs burst, or Bertha shells, and watch the houses burning and the +crushed bodies of the victims being dragged out. They sicken me, this +rotten crew--But this is not all France--great, dear, brave France--It +is only one section of useless society. To-day the Duchesse de +Courville-Hautevine came to call upon me--mounted all the stairs without +even a wheeze--(the lift gave out again this morning!)--What a +personality!--How I respect her! She has worked magnificently since the +war began, her hospital is a wonder, her only son was killed fighting +gloriously at Verdun. + +"You look as melancholy as a sick cat," she told me. + +She likes to speak her English--"Of what good _Jeune homme_! We are not +done yet--I have cut some of my relatives who ran away from +Paris--Imbeciles! Bertha is our diversion now, and the raids at +night--jolly loud things!"--and she chuckled, detaching her scissors +which had got caught in the purple woolen jersey she wore over her Red +Cross uniform. She is quite indifferent to coquetry, this grande dame of +the _ancien regime_! + +"My _blessés_ rejoice in them--_Que voulez vous?_--War is war--and there +is no use in looking blue--Cheer up, young man!" + +Then we talked of other things. She is witty and downright, and her +every thought and action is kindly. I love la Duchesse--My mother was +her dearest friend. + +When she had stayed twenty minutes--she came over close to my chair. + +"I knew you would be bitter at not being in the fight, my son," she +said, patting me with her once beautiful hand, now red and hardened with +work, "So I snatched the moments to come to see you. On your one leg +you'll defend if the moment should come,--but it won't! And you--you +wounded ones, spared--can keep the courage up. _Tiens!_ you can at least +pray, you have the time--I have not--_Mais le Bon Dieu_ understands--." + +And with that she left me, stopping to arrange her tightly curled fringe +(she sticks to all old styles) at the lac mirror by the door. I felt +better after she had gone--yes, it is that--God--why can't I fight! + + + + +III + + +Is some nerve being touched by the new treatment? I seem alternately to +be numb and perfectly indifferent to how the war is going, and then +madly interested. But I am too sensitive to leave my flat for any +meals--I drive whenever one of the "fluffies" (this is what Maurice +calls the widow, the divorcée and other rejoicers of men's war hearts) +can take me in her motor--No one else has a motor--There is no petrol +for ordinary people. + +"It reminds one of Louis XV's supposed reply to his daughters"--I said +to Maurice yesterday. "When they asked him to make them a good road to +the Château of their dear _Gouvernante_, the Duchesse de la Bove--He +assured them he could not, his mistresses cost him too much! So they +paid for it themselves, hence the '_Chemin des Dames_.'" + +"What reminds you of what--?" Maurice asked, looking horribly puzzled. + +"The fluffies being able to get the petrol--." + +"But I don't see, the connection?" + +"It was involved--the mistresses got the money which should have made +the road in those days, and now--." + +Maurice was annoyed with himself; he could not yet see, and no wonder, +for it _was_ involved!--but I am angry that the widow and the divorcée +both have motors and I none! + +"Poor Odette--she hates taxis! Why should she not have a motor?--You are +_grinchant_, _mon cher_!--since she takes you out, too!" + +"Believe me, Maurice, I am grateful, I shall repay all their +kindnesses--they have all indicated how I can best do so--but I like to +keep them waiting, it makes them more keen." + +Maurice laughed again nervously. + +"It is divine to be so rich, Nicholas"! + + * * * * * + +All sorts of people come to talk to me and have tea (I have a small +hoard of sugar sent from a friend in Spain). Amongst them an ancient +guardsman in some inspection berth here--He, like Burton, knows the +world. + +He tests women by whether or no they take presents from him, he tells +me. They profess intense love which he returns, and then comes the +moment (he, like me, is disgustingly rich). He offers them a present, +some accept at once, those he no longer considers; others hesitate, and +say it is too much, they only want his affection--He presses them, they +yield--they too, are wiped off the list--and now he has no one to care +for, since he has not been able to find one who refuses his gifts. It +would be certainly my case also--were I to try. + +"Women"--he said to me last night--"are the only pleasure in life--men +and hunting bring content and happiness, work brings satisfaction, but +women and their ways are the only _pleasure_." + +"Even when you know it is all for some personal gain?" + +"Even so, once you have realized that, it does not matter, you take the +joy from another point of view, you have to eliminate vanity out of the +affair, your personal vanity is hurt, my dear boy, when you feel it is +your possessions, not yourself, they crave, but if you analyse that, it +does not take away from the pleasure their beauty gives you--the +tangible things are there just as if they loved you--I am now altogether +indifferent as to their feelings for me, as long as their table manners +are good, and they make a semblance of adoring me. If one had to depend +upon their real disinterested love for their kindness to one, then it +would be a different matter, and very distressing, but since they can +always be caught by a bauble--you and I are fortunately placed, +Nicholas." + +We laughed our vile laughs together.--It is true--I hate to hear my own +laugh. I agree with Chesterfield, who said that no gentleman should make +that noise! + + * * * * * + +As I said before, all sorts of people come to see me, but I seem to be +stripping them of externals all the time. What is the good in them? What +is the truth in them? Strip me--if I were not rich what would anyone +bother with me for? Is anyone worth while underneath? + +One or other of the fluffies come almost daily to play bridge with me, +and any fellow who is on leave, and the neutrals who have no anxieties, +what a crew! It amuses me to "strip" them. The married one, Coralie, has +absolutely nothing to charm with if one removes the ambience of success, +the entourage of beautiful things, the manicurist and the complexion +specialist, the Reboux hats, and the Chanel clothes. She would be a +plain little creature, with not too fine ankles,--but that +self-confidence which material possessions bring, casts a spell over +people.--Coralie _is_ attractive. Odette, the widow, is beautiful. She +has the brain of a turkey, but she, too, is exquisitely dressed and +surrounded with everything to enhance her loveliness, and the serenity +of success has given her magnetism. She announces platitudes as +discoveries, she sparkles, and is so ravishing that one finds her trash +wit. She thinks she is witty, and you begin to believe it! + +Odette can be best stripped, people could like her just for her looks. +Alice, the divorcée, appeals to one.--She is gentle and feminine and +clinging--she is the cruelest and most merciless of the three, Maurice +tells me, and the most difficult to analyse: But most of one's friends +would find it hard to stand the test of denuding them of their worldly +possessions and outside allurements, it is not only the fluffies, who +would come out of not much value! + +Oh! the long, long days--and the ugly nights! + +One does not sleep very well now, the noise of "Bertha" from six A.M. +and the raids at night!--but I believe I grow to like the raids--and +last night we had a marvelous experience. I had been persuaded by +Maurice to have quite a large dinner party. Madame de Clerté, who is +really an amusing personality, courageous and agreeable, and Daisy +Ryven, and the fluffies, and four or five men. We were sitting smoking +afterwards, listening to de Volé playing, he is a great musician. +People's fears are lulled, they have returned to Paris. Numbers of men +are being killed,--"The English in heaps--but what will you!" the +fluffies said, "they had no business to make that break with the Fifth +Army! Oh! No! and, after all, the country is too dull--and we have all +our hidden store of petrol. If we must fly at the last moment, why on +earth not go to the theatre and try to pass the time!" + +de Volé was playing "Madame Butterfly"--when the sirens went for a +raid--and almost immediately the guns began--and bombs crashed. One very +seldom sees any fear on people's faces now, they are accustomed to the +noise. Without asking any of us, de Volé commenced Chopin's Funeral +March. It was a very wonderful moment, the explosions and the guns +mingling with the splendid chords. We sat breathless--a spell seemed to +be upon us all--We listened feverishly. de Volé's face was transfigured. +What did he see in the dim light?--He played and played. And the whole +tragedy of war--and the futility of earthly interests--the glory, the +splendour and the agony seemed to be brought home to us. From this, as +the noise without became less loud, he glided into Schubert, and so at +last ceased when the "all clear" commenced to rend the air. No one had +spoken a word, and then Daisy Ryven laughed--a queer little awed laugh. +She was the only Englishwoman there. + +"We are keyed up," she said. + +And when they had all gone I opened my window wide and breathed in the +black dark night. Oh! God--what a rotter I am. + + * * * * * + +_Friday_--Maurice has a new suggestion--he says I should write a +book--he _knows_ I am becoming insupportable, and he thinks if he +flatters me enough I'll swallow the bait, and so be kept quiet and not +try him so much.--A novel?--A study of the causes of altruism? What?--I +feel--yes, I feel a spark of interest. If it could take me out of +myself--I shall consult the Duchesse--I will tell Burton to telephone +and find out if I can see her this afternoon. She sometimes takes half +an hour off between four and five to attend to her family. + +Yes--Burton says she will see me and will send me one of her Red Cross +cars to fetch me, then I can keep my leg up. + +I rather incline to a treatise upon altruism and the philosophical +subjects. I fear if I wrote a novel it would be saturated by my ugly +spirit, and I should hate people to read it. I must get that part of me +off in my journal, but a book about--Altruism? + +I must have a stenographer of course, a short-hand typist, if I do begin +this thing. There are some English ones here no doubt. I do not wish to +write in French--Maurice must find me a suitable one.--I won't have +anything young and attractive. In my idiotic state she might get the +better of me! The idea of some steady employment quite bucks me up. + + * * * * * + +I felt rather jarred when I arrived at the Hotel Courville--the paving +across the river is bad; but I found my way to the Duchesse's own +sitting room on the first floor--the only room apparently left not a +ward--and somehow the smell of carbolic had not penetrated here. It was +too hot, and only a little window was open. + +How wonderfully beautiful these eighteenth century rooms are! What grace +and charm in the panelling--what dignity in the proportions! This one, +like all rooms of women of the Duchesse's age, is too full--crammed +almost, with gems of art, and then among them, here and there, a +shocking black satin stuffed and buttoned armchair, with a bit of +woolwork down its centre, and some fringe! And her writing table!--the +famous one given by Louis XV to the ancestress, who refused his +favours--A mass of letters and papers, and reports, a bottle of creosote +and a feather! A servant in black, verging upon ninety, brought in the +tea, and said Madame la Duchesse would be there immediately--and she +came. + +Her twinkling eyes kindly as ever "Good day Nicholas," she said and +kissed me on both cheeks, "Thou art thy mother's child--_Va!_--And I +thank thee for the fifty thousand francs for my _blessés_--I say no +more--_Va!_--." + +Her scissors got caught in her pocket, not the purple jersey this time, +and she played with them for a minute. + +"Thou art come for something--out with it!" + +"Shall I write a book?, that's it. Maurice thinks it might divert +me--What do you think?" + +"One must consider," and she began pouring out the tea, "paper is +scarce--I doubt, my son, if what you would inscribe upon it would +justify the waste--but still--as a _soulagement_--an asperine so to +speak--perhaps--yes. On what subject?" + +"That is what I want your advice about, a novel?--or a study upon +Altruism, or--or--something like that?" + +She chuckled and handed me my tea, thin tea and a tiny slice of black +bread, and a scrape of butter. There is no cheating of the regulations +here, but the Sevres cup gave me satisfaction. + +"You have brought me your bread coupon, I hope?" she interrupted +with,--"if you eat without it one of my household has less!" + +I produced it. + +"Two days old will do here," then she became all interest in my project +again and chuckled anew. + +"Not a novel my son, at your age and with your temperament, it would +arouse emotions in you if you created them in your characters, you are +better without them.--No!--Something serious; Altruism as well as +another, by all means!" + +"I expected you to say that, you are always so practical and kind, then +we will choose a research subject to keep me busy." + +"Why not the history of Blankshire, your old county where the Thormondes +have sat since the conquest--_hein_?" + +This delighted me, but I saw the impossibility. "I cannot get at the +necessary reference books, and it is impossible to receive anything from +England." + +She realized this before I spoke. + +"No--philosophy it must be--or your pet hobby, the furniture of your +William and Mary!" + +This seemed the best of all, and I decided in a moment. This shall be my +subject. I really know something of William and Mary furniture! So we +settled it. Then she became reflective. + +"The news is _très grave_ to-day, my son," she whispered softly, "the +fearful ones predict that the Boche will be within range in a few +days.--Why not leave Paris?" + +"Are you going, Duchesse?" + +"I,--_Mon Dieu!_--Of course not!--I must stay to get my _Blessés_ +out--if the worst should come--but I never believe it.--Let the cowards +flee--. Some of my relatives have gone again. Those I speak to will have +become a minority when peace arrives, it would seem!"--then she frowned +angrily. "Many are so splendid--devoted, untiring, but there are +some--!--_Mon Dieu!_ the girls play tennis at the _tix aux +pigeons_!--and the Germans are sixty-five kilometers from Paris!" + +I did not speak, and then, as though I had said something disparaging +and she must defend them--"But you must not judge them hardly--No!--it +is not possible with our National temperament that young girls of the +world can nurse men--No--No--and our ministry of War won't employ +women--what can they do--ask yourself, what can they do?--but wait and +pray! Other nations must not judge us--our men know what they want of +us--yes, yes--" + +"Of course they do." + +"My niece Madelaine--a lighthead--dragged me to the Ritz to lunch last +week, before the wild rush cleared them off again--_Mon Dieu!_ what a +sight there in that restaurant!--Olivier and the waiters are the only +things of dignity left! The women dressed to the eyes as Red Cross +nurses. Some Americans, and, yes, French--nursing the well English +officers I must believe--no nearer wounded than that!--floating veils, +painted lips--high heels--Heavens! it filled me with rage--I who know +the devoted and good of both nations who are not seen, and you +English--. But there it is easy for you with your temperament to be +good and really work--France is full of sensible kind Americans and +English--but those in Paris--they make me sick! Quarter of an hour twice +a day--to have the right to a passport to come--and to wear a +uniform--Pah! Sick, sick!--" + +I thought of the fluffies!--they too played at something the first year +of the war, but now have given up even the pretence of that. + +The Duchesse was still angry. + +"My nephew Charles, le Prince de Vimont, eats chicken and cutlets on the +meatless days, he told me with pride, his _maître d'hôtel_--he of the +one eye--like thou, Nicholas, is able to procure plenty on the day +before from friends in the trade, and with ice--_Mon Dieu!_--and I pay +twenty-eight francs apiece for the best poulets for my _blessés_ for +extra rations!--and ice!--impossible to procure--. Oh! I would punish +them all, choke them with their own meat--it is they who should be "food +for the guns" as you English say,--they, these few disgrace our brave +France, and make the other nations laugh at us." + +I tried to assure her that no one laughed, and that we all understood +and worshipped the spirit of France, that it was only the few, and that +we were not deceived, but I could not calm her. + +"It makes me weep" at last she said and I could not comfort her. + +"Heloise de Tavantaine--my Cousin's Jew daughter-in-law--paid four +thousand francs for a new evening dress, which did not cover a tenth of +her fat body--Four thousand francs would have given my +_blessés_--Ah!--well--I rage, I rage." + +Then she checked herself--. + +"But why do I say this to thee Nicholas?--because I am sore--it is ever +thus--we are all human, and must cry to someone." + +So after all there is some meaning in my journal. + +"_One must cry to someone!_" + + * * * * * + +Burton is delighted that I shall write a book!--He wrote at once to my +aunt Emmeline to tell her that I was better. I have her letter with +congratulations in it to-day. Burton does the correspondence with my few +relations, all war working hard in England. I am becoming quite excited, +I long to begin, but there is no use until Maurice finds me a +stenographer. He has heard of two. One a Miss Jenkins, aged +forty--sounds good, but she can only give three hours a day--and I must +have one at my beck and call--There is a second one, a Miss Sharp--but +she is only twenty-three--plain though, Maurice says, and wears horn +spectacles--that should not attract me! She makes bandages all the +evening, but is obliged to work for her living so could come for the +day. She is not out of a job, because she is very expert, but she does +not like her present one. I would have to pay her very highly Maurice +says--I don't mind that, I want the best.--I had better see Miss Sharp, +and judge if I can stand her. She may have a personality I could not +work with. Maurice must bring her to-morrow. + +The news to-night is worse.--The banks have sent away all their +securities.--But I shall not leave--one might as well die in a +bombardment as any other way. The English Consul has to know all the +names of the English residents in case of evacuation. But I will not go. + +Bertha is making a most fiendish noise, there were two raids last +night,--and she began at six this morning--one gets little sleep. I have +a one horse Victoria now, driven by Methusala; I picked Maurice up at +the Ritz this evening at nine o'clock--there was not a human soul to be +seen in the _Rue de la Paix_, or the _Place Vendôme_, or the _Rue +Castiglione_--a city of the dead--And the early June sky full of peace +and soft light. + +What does it all mean? + + + + +IV + + +Maurice brought Miss Sharp to-day to interview me. I do not like her +much, but the exhibition she gave me of her speed and accuracy in +short-hand satisfied me and made me see that I should be a fool to look +further. So I have engaged her. She is a small creature, palish with +rather good bright brown hair--She wears horn rimmed spectacles with +yellow glasses in them so I can't see her eyes at all. I judge people by +their eyes. Her hands look as if she had done rather a lot of hard +work--they are so very thin. Her clothes are neat but shabby--that is +not the last look like French women have--but as if they had been turned +to "make do"--I suppose she is very poor. Her manner is icily quiet. She +only speaks when she is spoken to. She is quite uninteresting. + +It is better for me to have a nonentity--then I can talk aloud my +thoughts without restriction. I am to give her double what she is +getting now--2000 francs a month--war price. + +Some colour came into her cheeks when I offered that and she hesitated, + +I said "Don't you think it is enough?" + +She answered so queerly. + +"I think it is too much, and I was wondering if I would be able to +accept it. I want to." + +"Then do." + +"Very well--I will of course do my very best to earn it"--and with that +she bowed and left me. + +Anyhow she won't make a noise. + +Nina writes since she has married Jim--which she did just before the +offensive in March--she has been too happy--or too anxious, to remember +her friends--even dear old ones--but now fortunately Jim is wounded in +the ankle bone which will keep him at home for two months so she has a +little leisure. + +"You can't think, Nicholas, what a different aspect the whole war took +on when I knew Jim was in the front line--I adore him--and up to now I +have managed to keep him adoring me--but I can see I'll have to be +careful if he is going to be with me long at a time." + +So it would seem that Nina had not obtained the rest and security she +hoped for. + +I hope my writing a book will rest me. I have arranged all my first +chapter in my head--and to-morrow I begin. + +_June 26th_--Miss Sharp came punctually at ten--she had a black and +white cotton frock on--There is nothing of her--she is so slight--(a +mass of bones probably in evening dress--but thank goodness I shall not +see her in evening dress,) she goes at six--She is to have her lunch +here--Burton has arranged it. An hour off for lunch which she can have +on a tray in the small salon, which I have had arranged for her work +room.--Of course it won't take her an hour to eat--but Burton says she +must have that time, it is always done. It is a great nuisance for +perhaps when 12:30 comes I shall just be in the middle of an inspiration +and I suppose off she'll fly like the housemaids used when the servants' +hall bell went at home. But I can't say anything. + +I was full of ideas and the beginning of my first chapter spouted out, +and when Miss Sharp had read it over to me I found she had not made any +mistake. That is a mercy. + +She went away and typed it, and then had her lunch--and I had mine, but +Maurice dropped in and mine took longer than hers--it was half past two +when I rang my hand bell for her (it is a jolly little silver one I +bought once in Cairo) She answered it promptly--the script in her hand. + +"I have had half an hour with nothing to do," she said--"Can you not +give me some other work which I can turn to, if this should happen +again?" + +"You can read a book--there are lots in the book case" I told her--"Or I +might leave you some letters to answer." + +"Thank you, that would be best"--(She is conscientious evidently). + +We began again. + +She sits at a table with her notebook, and while I pause she is +absolutely still--that is good. I feel she won't count more than a table +or chair. I am quite pleased with my work. It is awfully hot to-day and +there is some tension in the air--as though something was going to +happen. The news is the same--perhaps slightly better.--I am going to +have a small dinner to-night. The widow and Maurice and Madame de +Clerté--just four and we are going to the play. It is such a business +for me to go I seldom turn out.--Maurice is having a little supper in +his rooms at the Ritz for us. It is my birthday--I am thirty-one years +old. + +_Friday_--What an evening that 26th of June! The theatre was hot and the +cramped position worried me so--and the lights made my eye ache--Madame +de Clerté and I left before the end and ambled back to the Ritz in my +one horse Victoria and went and sat in Maurice's room. We talked of the +situation, and the effect of the Americans coming in, bucking everyone +up--we were rather cheerful. Then the sirens began--and the guns +followed just as Maurice and Odette got back--They seemed unusually +loud--and we could hear the bits of shrapnel falling on the terrace +beneath us, Odette was frightened and suggested going into the +cellar--but as Maurice's rooms are only on the second floor, we did not +want to take the trouble. + +Fear has a peculiar effect upon some people--Odette's complexion turned +grey and she could hardly keep her voice steady. I wondered how soon she +would let restraint slip from her and fly out of the room to the cellar. +Madame de Clerté was quite unmoved. + +Then the dramatic happened--Bang!--the whole house shook and the glass +of the window crashed in fragments--and Maurice turned out the one +light--and lifted a corner of the thick curtain to peep out. + +"I believe they got the _Colome Vendôme_" he said awed--and as he spoke +another bomb fell on the Ministaìre beside us--and some of the splinters +shot into space and buried themselves in our wall. + +We were all blown across the room--and Madame de Clerté and I fell in a +heap together by the door, which gave way outwards--Odette's shrieks +made us think that she was hurt, but she was not, and subsided into a +gibbering prayer--Maurice helped Madame de Clerté to rise and I turned +on the torch I keep in my pocket, for a minute. I was not conscious of +any pain. We sat in the dark and listened to the commotion beneath us +for some time, and the crashing bombs but never one so near +again.--Maurice's voice soothing Odette was the only sound in our room. + +Then Madame de Clerté laughed softly and lit a cigarette. + +"A near thing that, Nicholas!" she said--"Let us go down now and see who +is killed, and where the explosion actually occurred--The sight is quite +interesting you know you can believe me." + +"When Bertha hit the ---- two days ago, we rushed for taxis to go down to +see the place--Coralie--has petrol for her motor since two weeks you +know"--and she smiled wickedly--"Monsieur le Ministre must show his +gratitude somehow mustn't he?--Coralie is such a dear--Yes--?--So some +of us packed in with her--we were quite a large party--and when we got +there they were trying to extinguish the fire, and bringing out the +bodies--You ought to come with us sometime when we go on these +trips--anything for a change." + +These women would not have looked on at the sufferings of a mouse before +the war--. + +The sight in the hall when we did arrive there after the "all clear" +went--was remarkable--the great glass doors of the salon blown in and +all the windows broken--and the _Place Vendôme_ a mass of debris--not a +pane whole there I should think. + +But nobody seems very much upset--these things are all in the days +work--. + +I wonder if in years to come we shall remember the queer recklessness +which has developed in almost everyones mentality, or shall we forget +about the war and go on just as we were before--Who knows? + + * * * * * + +I said to Miss Sharp this morning-- + +"What do you do in the evenings when you leave here"? + +I had forgotten for a moment that Maurice had told me that she makes +bandages. She looked at me and her manner froze--I can't think why I +_felt_ she thought I had no right to question her--I say "looked at +me"--but I am never quite sure what her eyes are doing, because she +never takes off her yellow glasses--Those appear to be gazing at me at +all events. + +"I make bandages." + +"Aren't you dead tired after working all day with me?" + +"I have not thought about it--the bandages are badly needed." + +Her pencil was in her hand, and the block ready--she evidently did not +mean to go on conversing with me. This attitude of continuous diligence +on her part has begun to irritate me. She never fidgets--just works all +the time. + +I'll ask Burton what he thinks of her at luncheon to-day--As I said +before, Burton knows the world. + + * * * * * + +"What do you think of my typist, Burton?" + +He was putting a dish of make-believe before me--it is a meatless +day--my one-legged cook is an artist but he thinks me a fool because I +won't let him cheat--our want of legs makes us friendly though. + +"And with a brother in the trade I could get Monsieur chickens and what +he would wish!" he expostulates each week. + +"A-hem"--Burton croaked. + +I repeated the question. + +"The young lady works very regular." + +"Yes--That is just it--a kind of a machine." + +"She earns her money Sir Nicholas." + +"Of course she does--I know all that--But what do you think of her?" + +"Beg pardon Sir Nicholas--I don't understand?" + +I felt irritated. + +"Of course you do--What kind of a creature I mean--?" + +"The young lady don't chatter Sir--She don't behave like bits of girls." + +"You approve of her then Burton?" + +"She's been here a fortnight only, Sir Nicholas, you can't tell in the +time"--and that is all I could get out of him--but I felt the verdict +when he did give it would be favourable. + +Insignificant little Miss Sharp--! + +What shall I do with my day--? that is the question--my rotten useless +idle day?--I have no more inspiration for my book--besides Miss Sharp +has to type the long chapter I gave her yesterday. I wonder if she knows +anything about William and Mary furniture really?--she never launches a +remark. + +Her hands are very red these last days--does making bandages redden the +hands? + +I wonder what colour her eyes are--one can't tell with that blurred +yellow glass--. + +Suzette came in just as I wrote that; she seldom turns up in the +afternoon. She caught sight of Miss Sharp typing through the open door. + +"_Tiens!_" she spit at me--"Since when?" + +"I am writing a book, Suzette." + +"I must see her face," and without waiting for permission, Suzette +flounced into the small salon. + +I could hear her shrill little voice asking Miss Sharp to be so good as +to give her an envelope--She must write an address! I watched her--Miss +Sharp handed her one, and went on with her work. + +Suzette returned, closing the door, without temper, behind her. + +"Wouff!" she announced to me--"No anxiety there--an _Anglaise_--not +appetizing--not a _fausse maigre_ like us, as thin as a hairpin! Nothing +for thou Nicholas--and _Mon Dieu!_--she does the family washing by her +hands--I know! mine look like that when I have taken one of my +fortnights at the sea!" + +"You think it is washing?--I was wondering--." + +"Does she take off her glasses ever, Nicholas?" + +"No perhaps she has weak light eyes. One never can tell!" + +Suzette was not yet quite at ease about it all--. I was almost driven to +ask Miss Sharp to remove her glasses to reassure her. + +Women are jealous even of one-legged half blind men! I would like to ask +my cook if he has the same trouble--but--Oh! I wish anything mattered! + +Suzette showed affection for me after this--and even passion! I would be +quite good-looking she said--when I should be finished. Glass eyes were +so well made now--"and as for legs!--truly my little cabbage, they are +as nimble as a goat's!" + +Of course I felt comforted when she had gone. + + * * * * * + +The hot days pass--Miss Sharp has not asked for a holiday, she plods +along, we do a great deal of work--and she writes all my letters. And +there are days when I know I am going to be busy with my friends, when I +tell her she need not come--there was a whole week at the end of July. +Her manner never alters, but when Burton attempted to pay her she +refused to take the cheque. + +"I did not earn that" she said. + +I was angry with Burton because he did not insist. + +"It was just, Sir Nicholas." + +"No, it was not, Burton--If she did not work here, she was out of pocket +not working anywhere else. You will please add the wretched sum to this +week's salary." + +Burton nodded stubbornly, so I spoke to Miss Sharp myself. + +"It was my business as to whether I worked or did not work for a +week--therefore you are owed payment in any case--that is logic----." + +A queer red came into her transparent skin, her mouth shut firmly--I +knew that I had convinced her, and that yet for some reason she hated +having to take the money. + +She did not even answer, just bowed with that strange aloofness that is +not insolent. Her manner is never like a person of the lower classes, +trying to show she thinks she is an equal. It has exactly the right +note--perfectly respectful as one who is employed, but with the serene +unselfconsciousness that only breeding gives. Shades of manner are very +interesting to watch. Somehow I _know_ that Miss Sharp, in her washed +cotton, with her red little hands, is a lady. + +I have not seen my dear Duchesse lately--she has been down to one of her +country places--where she sends her convalescents, but she is returning +soon. She gives me pleasure--. + + * * * * * + +_August 30th_--The interest in the book has flagged lately--I could not +think of a thing, so I proposed to Miss Sharp to have a holiday. She +accepted the fortnight without enthusiasm. Now she is back and we have +begun again--Still I have no _flair_--Why do I stick to it?--Just +because I have said to the Duchesse that I _will_ finish it?----I +have an uneasy feeling that I do not want to probe my real reason--I +would like to lie even to this Journal. Lots of fellows have been upon +the five days' leave lately, things are going better--they jolly one, +and I like to see them, but after they go I feel more of a rotten beast +than ever. The only times I forget are when Maurice brings the fluffies +to dine with me--when they rush up to Paris from Deauville. We drink +champagne--(they love to know how much it costs) and I feel gay as a +boy--and then in the night I have once or twice reached out for my +revolver. They have all gone back to Deauville now. + +Perhaps it is Miss Sharp who irritates me with her eternal +diligence--What is her life--who are her family? I would like to know +but I will not ask--I sit and think and think what to write about in my +book. I have almost come to the end of grinding out facts about Walnut +and ball fringe--and she sits taking it all down in short-hand, never +raising her head, day after day--. + +Her hair is pretty--that silky sort of nut brown with an incipient wave +in it--her head is set on most gracefully, I must admit, and the +complexion is very pale and transparent--But what a firm mouth!--Not +cold though--only firm. I have never seen her smile. The hands are well +shaped really--awfully well shaped, if one watches them--How long would +it take to get them white again I wonder? She has got good feet, too, +thin like the hands--. How worn her clothes look--does she never have a +new dress--? + +Yes Burton, I will see Madame de Clerté--. + + * * * * * + +Solonge de Clerté is a philosopher--she has her own aims--but I do not +know them. + +"Writing a book, Nicholas?" There was the devil of a twinkle in her +eye--"There is a poor boy wounded in the leg who would make a perfect +secretary if you are not satisfied." + +I grew irritated--. + +"I am quite satisfied"--we heard the noise of the typing machine from +beyond--these modern doors allow nothing to be unknown. + +"Young, is she?" Madame de Clerté asked turning her glance in that +direction. + +"I don't know and don't care--she types well"--. + +"_Hein?_" + +She saw that I was becoming enraged.--My dinners are good and the war is +not yet over--. + +"We shall all be terribly interested--yes--when we read the result--." + +"Probably"--. + +Then she told me of complications occurring about Coralie's husband. + +"Of an insanity to attempt the three at once" she sighed--. + +And now I can turn to my journal again--Good God--the last pages have +all been about Miss Sharp--ridiculous, exasperating Miss Sharp! did I +write ridiculous?--No--it is I who am ridiculous--I shall go for a +drive--! + + * * * * * + +God! what is the meaning of it all--! + +I have been in hell----I came in from my drive very quietly, it was +early, a quarter to six, Miss Sharp goes at six--It was a horribly +chilly evening and Burton had lit a bright wood fire--and I suppose its +crackling prevented my hearing the sounds which were coming from the +next room for a minute. I sat down in my chair--. + +What was that?--the _roucoulements_ of a dove?--No, a woman's voice +cooing foolish love words in French and English--and a child's treble +gurgling fondness back to her. It seemed as if my heart stopped +beating--as if every nerve in my spine quivered--a tremendous emotion of +I know not what convulsed me.--I lay and listened and suddenly I felt my +cheek wet with tears--then some shame, some anger shook me, and I +started to my feet, and hobbled to the door which was ajar--I opened it +wide--there was Miss Sharp with the _concierge's_ daughter's baby on her +lap fondling it--the creature may be six months old. Her horn spectacles +lay on the table. She looked up at me, the slightest flash of timidity +showing--but her eyes--Oh! God! the eyes of the Madonna--heavenly blue, +tender as an angel's--soft as a doe's--. I could have cried aloud with +some pain in the soul--and so that brute part of me spoke--. + +"How dare you make this noise"?--I said rudely--"do you not know that I +have given orders for complete quiet"--. + +She rose, holding the child with the greatest dignity--The picture she +made could be in the Sistine Chapel. + +"I beg your pardon" she said in a voice which was not quite steady--"I +did not know you had returned, and Madame Bizot asked me to hold little +Augustine while she went to the next floor--it shall not occur again!" + +I longed to stay and gaze at them both--I would have liked to have +touched the baby's queer little fat fingers--I would have liked--Oh--I +know not what--And all the time Miss Sharp held the child protectively, +as though something evil would come from me and harm it.--Then she +turned and carried it out of the room--and I went back into my +sitting-room and flung myself down in my chair--. + +What had I done--Beast--brute--What had I done? + +And will she never come back again?--and will life be emptier than +ever--? + +I could kill myself--. + + * * * * * + +It shall not be only Suzette but six others for supper to-night--. + +_Five a.m._--The dawn is here and it is not the rare sound of an August +pigeon that I am listening to, but the tender cooing of a woman and a +child--God, how can I get it out of my ears. + + + + +V + + +This morning I feel as if I could hardly bear it until Miss Sharp +arrives--I dressed early, ready to begin a new chapter although I have +not an idea in my head, and, as the time grows nearer, it is difficult +for me to remain still here in my chair. + +Have I been too impossible?--Will she not turn up?--and if she does not, +what steps can I take to find her?--Maurice is at Deauville with the +rest, and I do not know Miss Sharp's home address--nor if she has a +telephone--probably not. My heart beats--I have every feeling of +excitement as stupid as a woman! I analyse it all now, how mental +emotion reacts on the physical--even the empty socket of my eye aches--I +could hardly control my voice when Burton began a conversation about my +orders for the day just now. + +"You would not be wishin' for the company of your Aunt Emmeline, Sir +Nicholas"?--he asked me--. + +"Of course not, Burton, you old fool--" + +"You seem so much more restless, sir--lately--" + +"I am restless--please leave me alone." + +He coughed and retired. + +Now I am listening again--it wants two minutes to the hour--she is never +late. + +One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten--. It feels as +if the blood would burst the veins--I cannot write. + +She came after all, only ten minutes beyond her usual time, but they +seemed an eternity when I heard the ring and Burton's slow step. I could +have bounded from my chair to open the door myself.--It was a telegram! +How this always happens when one is expecting anyone with desperate +anxiety--A telegram from Suzette. + +"I shall return to-night, _Mon Chou_." + +Her cabbage!--_Bah!_ I never want to see her again--. + +Miss Sharp must have entered when the door was opened for the telegram, +for I had begun to feel pretty low again when I heard her knock at the +door of the sitting-room. + +She came in and up to my chair as usual--but she did not say her +accustomary cold good morning. I looked up--the horn spectacles were +over her eyes again, and the rest of her face was very pale--while there +was something haughty in the carriage of her small head, it seemed to +me. Her eternal pad and pencil were in her little thin, red hands. + +"Good morning"--I said tentatively, she made a slight inclination as +much as to say--"I recognize you have spoken," then she waited for me to +continue. + +I felt an egregious ass, I knew I was nervous as a bird, I could not +think of anything to say--I, Nicholas Thormonde, accustomed to any old +thing! nervous of a little secretary! + +"Er--would you read me aloud the last chapter we finished"--I barked at +last lamely. + +She turned to fetch the script from the other room--. + +I must apologize to her, I knew. + +She came back and sat down stiffly, prepared to begin. + +"I am sorry I was such an uncouth brute yesterday," I said--"It was good +of you to come back--. Will you forgive me?" + +She bowed again. I almost hated her at that moment, she was making me +feel so much--A foolish arrogance rose in me-- + +"We had better get to work I suppose," I went on pettishly. + +She began to read--how soft her voice is, and how perfectly +cultivated.--Her family must be very refined gentlefolk--ordinary +English typists have not that indescribable distinction of tone. + +What voices mean to one!--The delight of that exquisite sound of +refinement in the pronunciation. Miss Sharp never misplaces an +inflection or slurs a word, she never uses slang, and yet there is +nothing pedantic in her selection of language--it is just as if her +habitual associates were all of the same class as herself, and that she +never heard coarse speech.--Who can she be--? + +The music of her reading calmed me--how I wish we could be friends--! + +"How old is Madame Bizot's grandchild?" I asked abruptly, interrupting. + +"Six months," answered Miss Sharp without looking up. + +"You like children?" + +"Yes--." + +"Perhaps you have brothers and sisters?" + +"Yes--." + +I knew that I was looking at her hungrily--and that she was purposely +keeping her lids lowered--. + +"How many?" + +"Two--." + +The tone said, "I consider your questions impertinent--." + +I went on-- + +"Brothers?" + +"One brother." + +"And a sister?" + +"Yes." + +"How old?" + +"Eleven and thirteen." + +"That is quite a gap between your ages then?" + +She did not think it necessary to reply to this--there was the faintest +impatience in the way she moved the manuscript. + +I was so afraid to annoy her further in case she should give me notice +to go, that I let her have her way, and returned to work. + +But I was conscious of her presence--thrillingly conscious of her +presence all the morning. I never once was able to take the work +naturally, it was will alone which made me grind out the words. + +There was no sign of nervousness in Miss Sharp's manner--I simply did +not exist for her--I was a bore, a selfish useless bore of an employer, +who was paying her twice as much as anyone else would, and she must in +return give the most perfect service. As a man I had no meaning. As a +wounded human being she had no pity for me--but I did not want her +pity--what did I want?--I cannot write it--I cannot face it--. Am I to +have a new torment in my life?--Desiring the unattainable?--Eating my +heart out; not that woman can never really love me again, but that, well +or ill, the consideration of _one_ woman is beyond my reach--. + +Miss Sharp is not influenced because I am or am not a cripple--If I were +as I was when I first put on my grenadier's uniform, I should still not +exist for her probably--she can see the worthless creature that I +am--Need I always be so?--I wish to God I knew. + + * * * * * + +_Night._ + +She worked with her usual diligence the entire day almost, not taking +the least notice of me, until at five o'clock when my tea came I rang +for her--Perhaps it was the irritation reacting upon my sensitive +wrenched nerves, but I felt pretty rotten, my hands were damp--another +beastly unattractive thing, which as a rule does not happen to me--I +asked her to pour out the tea. + +"If you will be so kind," I said--"I have let Burton go out"--Mercifully +this was true--she came in as a person would who knew you had a right to +command--you could not have said if she minded or no. + +When she was near me I felt happier for some reason. + +She asked me how I took my tea--and I told her--. + +"Are you not going to have some with me?" I pleaded. + +"Mine is already on my table in the next room--thank you"--and she rose. + +In desperation I blurted out--. + +"Please--do not go!--I don't know why, but I feel most awfully rotten +to-day." + +She sat down again and poured out her cup. + +"If you are suffering shall I read to you?" she said--"It might send you +to sleep--" and somehow I fancied that while her firm mouth never +softened, perhaps the eyes behind the horn spectacles might not be so +stony. And yet with it all something in me resented her pity, if she +felt any. Physical suffering produces some weaknesses which respond to +sympathy, and the spirit rages at the knowledge that one has given way. +I never felt so mad in all my year of hell that I cannot be a man and +fight--as I did at that moment. + +A French friend of mine said--In English books people were always +having tea--handing cups of tea! Tea, tea--every chapter and every +scene--tea! There is a great deal of truth in it--tea seems to bring the +characters together--at tea time people talk, it is the excuse to call +at that hour of leisure. We are too active as a nation to meet at any +other time in the day, except for sport--So tea is our link and we shall +go down through the ages as tea fiends--because our novelists who +portray life accurately, chronicle that most of the thrilling scenes of +our lives pass among tea cups!--I ventured to say all this to Miss Sharp +by way of drawing her into conversation. + +"What could one describe as the French doing most often?"--I asked +her--. + +She thought a moment. + +"They do not make excuses for anything they do, they have not to have a +pretext for action as we have--They are much less hypocritical and +self-conscious." + +I wanted to make her talk--. + +"Why are we such hypocrites?" + +"Because we have set up an impossible standard for ourselves, and hate +to show each other that we cannot act up to it." + +"Yes, we conceal every feeling--We show indifference when we feel +interest--We pretend we have come on business when we have come simply +to see someone we are attracted by--." + +She let the conversation drop. This provoked me, as her last remark +showed how far from stupid she is. + +That nervous feeling overcame me again--Confound the woman! + +"Please read," I said at last in desperation, and I closed my one eye. + +She picked up a book--it happened to be a volume of de Musset--and she +read at random--her French is as perfect as her English--The last thing +I remember was "_Mimi Pinson_"--and when I awoke it was past six o'clock +and she had gone home. + +I wonder how many of us, since the war, know the desolation of +waking--alone and in pain--and helpless--Of course there must be +hundreds. If I am a rotter and a coward about suffering, at all events +it does not come out in words--and perhaps it is because I am such a +mixture that I am able to write it in this journal--If I were purely +English I should not be able to let myself go even here--. + +Suzette came to dinner--I thought how vulgar she looked--and that if her +hands were white they were podgy and the nails short. The three black +hairs irritated my cheek when she kissed me--I was brutal and moved my +head in irritation--. + +"_Tiens?! Mon Ami!_"--she said and pouted. + +"Amuse me!" I commanded--. + +"So! it is not love then, Nicholas, thou desirest--Bear!" + +"Not in the least--I shall never want love again probably. Divert +me!--tell me--tell me of your scheming little mouse's brain, and your +kind little heart--How is it '_dans le metier_'?" + +Suzette settled herself on the sofa, curled up among the pillows like a +plump little tabby cat. She lit a cigarette--. + +"Very middling," she whiffed--"Cases of love where all my good counsel +remains untaken--a madness for drugs--very foolish--A drug--yes to +try--but to continue!--_Mon Dieu!_ they will no longer make fortunes +'_dans le metier_'--" + +"When you have made your fortune, Suzette, what will you do with it?" + +"I shall buy that farm for my mother--I shall put Georgine into a +convent for the nobility, and arrange a large dot for her--and for +me?--I shall gamble in a controlled way at Monte Carlo--." + +"You won't marry then, Suzette?" + +"Marry!" she laughed a shrill laugh--"For why, Nicholas?--A tie-up to +one man, _hein_?--to what good?--and yet who can say--to be an honored +wife is the one experience I do not know yet!"--she laughed again--. + +"And who is Georgine--you have not spoken of her before, Suzette?" + +She reddened a little under her new terra cotta rouge. + +"No?--Oh! Georgine is my little first mistake--but I have her +beautifully brought up, Nicholas--with the Holy Mother at St. Brieux. I +am then her Aunt--so to speak--the wife of a small shop keeper in +Paris, you must know--She adores me--and I give all I can to _St. +Georges-des-Près_--. Georgine will be a lady and marry the Mayor's +son--one day--." + +Something touched me infinitely. This queer little _demi-mondaine_ +mother--her thoughts set on her child's purity, and the conventional +marriage for her--in the future. Her plebeian, insolent little round +face so kindly in repose. + +I respect Suzette far more than my friends of the world--. + +When she left--it was perhaps in bad taste, but I gave her a quite heavy +four figure cheque. + +"For the education of Georgine--Suzette." + +She flung her arms round my neck and kissed me frankly on both cheeks, +and tears were brimming over in her merry black eyes. + +"Thou hast after all a heart, and art after all a gentleman, +Nicholas--_Va!_--"--and she ran from the room. + + + + +VI + + +For two days after I last wrote, I tried not to see Miss Sharp--I gave +short moments to my book--and she answered a number of business letters. +She knows most of my affairs now,--Burton transmits all the bills and +papers to her.--I can hear them talking through the thin door. The +excitement of that time I was so rude seems to have used up my vitality, +an utter weariness is upon me, I have hardly stirred from my chair. + +The ancient guardsman, George Harcourt, came to lunch yesterday. He was +as cynically whimsical as ever--He has a new love--an Italian--and until +now she has refused all his offers of presents, so he is taking a +tremendous interest in her--. + +"In what an incredible way the minds of women work, Nicholas!" he +said--"They have frequently a very definite aim underneath, but they +'grasshopper'--." + +I looked puzzled I suppose--. + +"To 'grasshopper' is a new verb!" he announced--"Daisy Ryven coined +it.--It means just as you alight upon a subject and begin tackling it, +you spring to another one--These lovely American war workers +'grasshopper' continuously.--It is impossible to keep pace with them." + +I laughed. + +"Yet they seem to have quite a definite aim--to get pleasure out of +life." + +[Illustration: Alathea (Harriet Hammond) disguised with colored glasses +and plain clothes arrives to take up her duties as secretary to Sir +Nicholas (Lew Cody). (A scene from Elinor Glyn's production "Man and +Maid" for Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer)] + +"To 'grasshopper' does not prevent pleasure to the grasshopper.--It is +only fatiguing to the listener. You can have no continued sensible +conversation with any of these women--they force you to enjoy only their +skins--" + +"Can the Contessa talk?" + +"She has the languour of the South--She does not jump from one subject +to another, she is frankly only interested in love." + +"Honestly, George--do you believe there is such a thing as real love?" + +"We have discussed this before, Nicholas--You know my views--but I am +hoping Violetta will change them. She has just begun to ask daily if I +love her"-- + +"Why do women always do that--even one's little friends continually +murmur the question?" + +"It is the working of their subconscious minds----Damn good cigars +these, my dear boy--pre-war eh?----Yes it is to justify their +surrender--They want to be assured _in words_ that you adore +them--because you see the actions of love really prove nothing of love +itself. A stranger who has happened to appeal to the senses can call +them forth quite as successfully as the lady of one's heart!" + +"It is logical of women then to ask that eternal question?" + +"Quite--I make a point of answering them always without irritation." + +----I wonder--if Miss Sharp loved anyone would she?----but I am +determined not to speculate further about her--. + +When Colonel Harcourt had gone--I deliberately rang my bell--and when +she came into the room I found I was not sure what I had rung for--It is +the most exasperating fact that Miss Sharp keeps me in a continual state +of nervous consciousness. + +Her manner was indifferently expectant, if one can use such a +paradoxical description--. + +"I--I--wondered if you played the piano?--"I blurted out. + +She looked surprised--if one can ever say she looks anything, with the +expression of her eyes completely hidden. She answered as usual with one +word--. + +"Yes." + +"I suppose you would not play to me?--er--it might give me an +inspiration for the last chapter--" + +She went and opened the lid of the instrument. + +"What sort of music do you like?" she asked. + +"Play whatever you think I would appreciate." + +She began a Fox trot, she played it with unaccountable spirit and taste, +so that the sound did not jar me--but the inference hurt a little. I +said nothing, however. Then she played "Smiles," and the sweet +commonplace air said all sorts of things to me--Desire to live again, +and dance, and enjoy foolish pleasures--How could this little iceberg of +a girl put so much devilment into the way she touched the keys? If it +had not been for the interest this problem caused me, the longing the +sounds aroused in me to be human again, would have driven me mad. + +No one who can play dance music with that lilt can be as cold as a +stone--. + +From this she suddenly turned to Debussy--she played a most difficult +thing of his--I can't remember its name--then she stopped. + +"Do you like Debussy?" I asked. + +"No, not always." + +"Then why did you play it?" + +"I supposed you would." + +"If you had said in plain words, 'I think you are a rotter who wants +first dance music, then an unrestful modern decadent, brilliantly clever +set of disharmonies,' you could not have expressed your opinion of me +more plainly." + +She remained silent--I could have boxed her ears. + +I leaned back in my chair, perhaps I gave a short harsh sigh--if a sigh +can be harsh--I was conscious that I had made some explosive sound. + +She turned back to the piano again and began "Waterlily" and then +"1812"--and the same strange quivering came over me that I experienced +when I heard the cooing of the child.--My nerves must be in an awful +rotten state--Then a longing to start up and break something shook me, +break the windows, smash the lamp--yell aloud--I started to my one +leg--and the frightful pain of my sudden movement did me good and +steadied me. + +Miss Sharp had left the piano and came over to me--. + +"I am afraid you did not like that," she said--"I am so sorry"--her +voice was not so cold as usual. + +"Yes I did--" I answered--"forgive me for being an awful ass--I--I--love +music tremendously, you see--" + +She stood still for a moment--I was balancing myself by the table, my +crutch had fallen. Then she put out her hand. + +"Can I help you to sit down again?"--she suggested. + +And I let her--I wanted to feel her touch--I have never even shaken +hands with her before. But when I felt her guiding me to the chair, the +maddest desire to seize her came over me--to seize her in my arms to +tear off those glasses, to kiss those beautiful blue eyes they hid--to +hold her fragile scrap of a body tight against my breast, to tell her +that I loved her--and wanted to hold her there, mine and no one else's +in all the world----My God! what am I writing--I must crush this +nonsense--I must be sane--. But--what an emotion! The strongest I have +ever felt about a woman in my life--. + +When I was settled in the chair again--things seemed to become blank for +a minute and then I heard Miss Sharp's voice with a tone--could it be of +anxiety? in it? saying "Drink this brandy, please." She must have gone +to the dining-room and fetched the decanter and glass from the case, +and poured it out while I was not noticing events. + +I took it. + +Again I said--"I am awfully sorry I am such an ass." + +"If you are all right now--I ought to go back to my work," she +remarked--. + +I nodded--and she went softly from the room. When I was alone, I used +every bit of my will to calm myself--I analysed the situation. Miss +Sharp loathes me--I cannot hold her by any means if she decides to go--. +The only way I can keep her near me is by continuing to be the cool +employer--And to do this I must see her as little as possible--because +the profound disturbance she is able to cause in me, reacts upon my raw +nerves--and with all the desire in the world to behave like a decent, +indifferent man, the physical weakness won't let me do so, and I am so +bound to make a consummate fool of myself. + +When I was in the trenches and the shells were coming, and it was +beastly wet and verminy and uncomfortable, I never felt this feeble, +horrible quivering--I know just what funk is--I felt it the day I did +the thing they gave me the V.C. for. This is not exactly funk--I wish I +knew what it was and could crush it out of myself--. + +Oh! if I could only fight again!--that was the best sensation in +life--the zest--the zest!--What is it which prompts us to do decent +actions? I cannot remember that I felt any exaltation specially--it +just seemed part of the day's work--but how one slept! How one enjoyed +any old thing--! + +Would it be better to end it all and go out quite? But where should I +go?--the _me_ would not be dead.--I am beginning to believe in +reincarnation. Such queer things happened among the fellows--I suppose +I'd be born again as ugly of soul as I am now--I must send for some +books upon the subject and read it up--perhaps that might give me +serenity. + +The Duchesse returned yesterday. I shall go and see her this afternoon I +think,--perhaps she could suggest some definite useful work I could +do--It is so abominably difficult, not being able to get about. What did +she say?--She said I could pray--I remember--she had not time, she +said--but the _Bon Dieu_ understood--I wonder if He understands me--? or +am I too utterly rotten for Him to bother about? + + * * * * * + +The Duchesse was so pleased to see me--she kissed me on both cheeks--. + +"Nicholas! thou art better!" she said--"As I told you--the war is going +to end well--!" + +"And how is the book?" she asked presently--"It should be finished--I am +told that your work is intermittent--." + +My mind jumped to Maurice as the connecting link--the Duchesse of course +must have seen him--but I myself have seen very little of Maurice +lately--how did he know my work was intermittent--? + +"Maurice told you?" I said. + +"Maurice?"--her once lovely eyes opened wide--she has a habit of +screwing them up sometimes when she takes off her glasses.--"Do you +suppose I have been on a _partie de plaisir_, my son--that I should have +encountered Maurice--!" + +I dared not ask who was her informant--. + +"Yes, I work for several days in succession, and then I have no ideas. +It is a pretty poor performance anyway--and is not likely to find a +publisher." + +"You are content with your Secretary?" + +This was said with an air of complete indifference. There was no meaning +in it of the kind Madame de Clerté would have instilled into the tone. + +"Yes--she is wonderfully diligent--it is impossible to dislodge her for +a moment from her work. She thinks me a poor creature I expect." + +The Duchesse's eyes, half closed now, were watching me keenly--. + +"Why should she think that, Nicholas--you can't after all fight." + +"No----but--." + +"Get well, my boy--and these silly introspective fancies will leave +you--Self analysis all the time for those who sit still--they imagine +that they matter to the _Bon Dieu_ as much as a _Corps d'Armée_--!" + +"You are right, Duchesse, that is why I said Miss Sharp--my +typist--probably thinks me a poor creature--she gets at my thoughts when +I dictate." + +"You must master your thoughts----" + +And then with a total change of subject she remarked. + +"Thou art not in love, Nicholas?" + +I felt a hot flush rise to my face--What an idiotic thing to do--more +silly than a girl--Again how I resent physical weakness reacting on my +nerves. + +"In love!"--I laughed a little angrily--"With whom could I possibly be +in love, _chère amie_?! You would not suggest that Odette or Coralie or +Alice could cause such an emotion!" + +"Oh! for them perhaps no--they are for the senses of men--they are the +exotic flowers of this forcing time--they have their uses--although I +myself abhor them as types--but--is there no one else?" + +"Solonge de Clerté?--Daisy Ryven?--both with husbands--." + +"Not as if that prevented things" the Duchesse announced +reflectively--"Well, well--Some of my _blessés_ show just your symptoms, +Nicholas, and I discover almost immediately it is because they are in +love--with the brain--with the imagination you must understand--that is +the only dangerous kind--. When it is with a pretty face alone--a good +dose and a new book helps greatly." + +"There would be no use in my being in love, Duchesse--" + +"It would depend upon the woman--you want sympathy and a guiding +hand--_Va!_--" + +Sympathy and a guiding hand! + +"I liked ruling and leading when I was a man--" + +"----We all have our ups and downs--I like my own bed--but last night +an extra batch of _blessés_ came in--and I had to give it up to one +whose back was a mass of festers--he would have lain on the floor +else--. What will you--_hein?_--We have to learn to accommodate +ourselves to conditions, my son." + +Suddenly the picture of this noble woman's courage came to me vividly, +her unvarying resourcefulness--her common sense--her sympathy with +humanity--her cheerfulness--I never heard her complain or repine, even +when fate took her only son at Verdun--Such as these are the glory of +France--and Coralie and Odette and Alice seemed to melt into +nothingness--. + +"The war will be finished this autumn--" she told me presently--"and +then our difficult time will begin--. Quarrels for all the world--Not +good fighting--But you will live to see a Renaissance, Nicholas--and so +prepare for it." + +"What can I do, dear friend--If you knew how much I want to do +something!" + +"Your first duty is to get well.--Have yourself patched +together--finished so to speak, and then marry and found a family to +take the place of all who have perished. It was good taste when I was +young not to have too many--but now!--France wants children--and +England too. There is a duty for you, Nicholas!" + +I kissed her hand--. + +"If I could find a woman like you!" I cried--"indeed then I would +worship her--." + +"So--so--! There are hundreds such as I--when I was young I lived as +youth lives--You must not be too critical, Nicholas." + +She was called away then, back to one of the wards, and I hobbled down +the beautiful staircases by myself--the lift was not working. The +descent was painful and I felt hot and tired when I reached the ground +floor, it was quite dusk then, and the one light had not yet been lit. A +slight wisp of a figure passed along the end of the corridor. I could +not see plainly, but I could have sworn it was Miss Sharp--I called her +name--but no one answered me so I went on out,--the servant, aged +ninety, now joining me, he assisted me into my one horse Victoria beyond +the concierge's lodge. + +Miss Sharp and the Duchesse!--? Why if this is so have I never been told +about it?--The very moment Maurice returns I must get him to investigate +all about the girl--In the meantime I think I shall go to Versailles--. +I cannot stand Paris any longer--and the _masseur_ can come out there, +it is not an impossible distance away. + + + + +VII + + + RESERVOIRES, VERSAILLES. + September 10th. + +How I love Versailles--the jolliest old hole on earth--(I wonder why one +uses slang like this, I had written those words as an exact reflection +of my thoughts--and nothing could be more inexact as a description of +Versailles! It is as far from being "jolly" as a place can be--nor is it +a "hole!") It is the greatest monument which the vanity of one man ever +erected, and like all other superlatives it holds and interests. If the +_Grand Monarque_ squandered millions to build it, France has reaped +billions from the pockets of strangers who have come to look at it. And +so everything that is well done brings its good. Each statue is a +personal friend of mine--and since I was a boy I have been in love with +the delicious nymph with the shell at the bottom of the horse-shoe +descent before you come to the _tapis vert_ on the right hand side. She +has two dimples in her back--I like to touch them--. + +Why did I not come here sooner? I am at peace with the world--Burton +wheels me up onto the terrace every evening to watch the sunset from the +top of the great steps. All the masterpieces are covered with pent +houses of concrete faced with straw, but the lesser gods and goddesses +must take their chance. + +And sitting here with peaceful families near me--old +gentlemen--soldiers on leave--a pretty war widow with a great white +dog--children with spades--all watching the glorious sky, seated in +groups on the little iron park chairs, a sense of stupefaction comes +over me--for a hundred or two kilometres away men are killing one +another--women are searching for some trace of their homes--the ground +is teeming with corpses--the air is foetid with the smell of death! +And yet we enjoy the opal sunset at Versailles and smile at the quaint +appearance of the camouflaged bronzes! + +Thus custom deadens all painful recollections and so are we able to +live. + +I wonder what Louis XIV would say if he could return and be among us? +He, with all his faults being a well bred person, would probably adapt +himself to circumstances, as the Duchesse does. + +Suzette suggested that she should come and stay the week end out +here--She wants change of air she says. I have consented.--Miss Sharp +does not bring her eternal block and pencil until Tuesday--when Suzette +will have left. + +Now that I am peaceful and have forgotten my perturbations, Suzette will +jolly me up--I have used the right term there!--Suzette does jolly +one--! I feel I could write out here, but not about William and Mary +furniture--! I could write a cynical story of the Duc de Richelieu's +loves.--Armande, the present duc, tells me that he has a dispatch box +filled with the love letters his ancestor received--their preservation +owed to a faithful valet who kept them all separated in bundles tied +with different ribbons--and every lock of hair and souvenir attached to +each.--There is an idea!--I wonder if Burton has ever thought of keeping +mine? He would not have had a heavy job in these last years--! + +I read all the mornings, seated in the sun--I read Plato--I want to +furbish up my Greek--For no reason on earth except that it is difficult, +and perhaps if I start doing difficult things I may get more will. + + * * * * * + +Suzette arrived in an entirely new set of garments--the "_geste_" had +altered, she said, one had to have a different look, and she was sure +the autumn fashions would be even more pronounced. + +"As you can readily understand, my friend, one cannot be _démodé, dans +le metier_,--especially in war time!--" + +Naturally I agreed with her--. + +"The only unfortunate part is that it obliged me to break into the sum +for Georgine's education." + +"That is at least reparable"--I answered, and reached for my +cheque-book--Suzette is such a good little sort--and clothes give her +pleasure--and fancy being able to give _real pleasure_ for a few +thousand francs--pleasure, not comfort, or charity, or any respectable +thing, but just _pleasure_! The only worry about this cheque was that +Suzette was a little too affectionate after it!--I would nearly always +rather only talk to her--now. + +She accompanied my bath chair on to the terrace. Her ridiculous little +outline and high heels contradicting all ideas of balance, and yet +presenting an indescribable elegance. She prattled gaily--then when no +one was looking she slipped her hand into mine. + +"_Mon cher! Mon petit chou!_" she said. + +We had the gayest dinner in my sitting-room--. + +"The war was certainly nearing its close--Toinette, the friend of one of +the Generals, assured her--people were thoroughly bored, and it was an +excellent thing to finish it--." + +"But even when peace comes, never again the restaurants open all night +to dance, Nicholas!--there is a sadness, my friend!" + +That was one of the really bad aspects of wars--the way they upset +people's habits--, she told me. Even "_dans le metier_" things became of +an uncertainty! '--One was never sure if the _amant_ would not be +killed--and it might be difficult to replace him advantageously!' + +"It is perhaps fortunate for you that I am wounded and an institution, +Suzette!" + +"Thou--Nicholas!--Just as if I did not understand--I represent nothing +but an agreeable passing of some moments to thee--Thou art not an +_Amant_!--Not even a little pretense of loving me thou showest!"-- + +"But you said you never allowed yourself to care--perhaps I have the +same idea--" + +She shook with laughter. + +"An artist at love thou, Nicholas--but no lover!" + +"It is a nice distinction--would you like me better if I were a lover?" + +"We have before spoken of this, _Mon ami_--If you were a lover--that is, +if you loved--you would be dangerous even with your one leg and your one +eye--a woman could be foolish for you. There is that air of _Grand +seigneur_--that air of--mocking--of--_Mon Dieu!_ Something which I can't +find my word for--Thou art _rudement chic cheri_!" + +I wished then that I had made the cheque larger--because there was +something in her merry black eyes which told me she meant what she +said--at the moment. I must be grateful to my money though after all--I +could not be "_rudement chic_" or a "_Grand seigneur_" without it--Thus +we get back to material things again! + +----I wonder if material things could affect Miss Sharp?--One side of +her certainly--or she could not have played that dance music----What +can she think about all day?--certainly not my affairs, attending to +them must be purely mechanical--. I know she is not stupid. She plays +beautifully--she thinks--she has an air, and knowledge of the world. If +I were not so afraid of losing her I would act toward her quite +differently--I would chance annoying her by making her talk--but that +fear holds me back. + +George Harcourt says that between men and women, no matter what the +relation may be, one or the other holds the reins and is the real +arbiter of things, and that if you find yourself not in the happy +position of master, there are many occasions when a man must look +ridiculous.--I feel ridiculous when I think about Miss Sharp. I am +"demand" and she is "supply"--I am wanting every moment of her time, and +to know all her thoughts--and she is entirely uninterested in me, and +grants nothing. + + * * * * * + +Suzette left last evening in the best of moods--I made the cheque +larger--and now I am awaiting Miss Sharp in my sitting-room--I love this +hotel--it has an air of indifference about it which is soothing, and the +food is excellent. + + * * * * * + +Miss Sharp arrived about eleven to-day. Her cheeks were quite pink when +she came in, and I could see she was warm with walking.--I wish I had +remembered to send to the station to meet her. + +"Do you think we shall be able to work here?" I asked her--"we have only +the _résumé_ chapter to do, and then the book will be finished." + +"Why not here as well as any other place?" + +"Does not environment matter to you?" + +"I suppose it would if I were creating it, it does not matter now." + +"Do you ever write--I mean write on your own?" + +"Sometimes." + +"What sort of things?" + +She hesitated for a moment and then said as though she regretted having +to speak the truth.-- + +"I write a journal." + +I could not prevent myself from replying too eagerly--. + +"Oh! I should like to see it!--er--I write one too!"-- + +She was silent. I felt nervous again--. + +"Do you put down your impressions of people--and things?" + +"I suppose so--." + +"Why does one write a journal?--" I wanted to hear what she would +answer. + +"One writes journals if one is lonely." + +"Yes, that is true. Then you are lonely?" + +Again she conveyed to me the impression that I had shown bad taste in +asking a personal question--and I felt this to be unjust, because in +justice, she would have been forced to admit that her words were a +challenge. + +"You explain to me why one writes journals, and then when I presume upon +the inference you snub me--You are not fair, Miss Sharp--" + +"It would be better to stick to business," was all she answered--"will +you dictate, please?" + +I was utterly exasperated--. + +"No, I won't!--If you only admit by inference that you are lonely, I say +it right out--I am abominably lonely this morning and I want to talk to +you.--Did I see you at the Duchesse de Courville-Hautevine's on +Wednesday last?" + +"Possibly." + +I literally had not the pluck to ask her what she was doing there. +However, she went on--. + +"There are still many wounded who require bandages--." + +That was it! of course--she was bringing bandages! + +"She is a splendid woman, the Duchesse, she was a friend of my +mother's--" I said. + +Miss Sharp looked down suddenly--she had her head turned towards the +window. + +"There are many splendid women in France--but you don't see them--the +poor are too wonderful, they lose their nearest and dearest and never +complain, they only say it is '_la Guerre_!'." + +"Have you any near relations fighting?"-- + +"Yes"-- + +It was too stupid having to drag information out of her like this--I +gave it up--and then I was haunted by the desire to know what relations +they were?--If she has a father he must be at least fifty--and he must +be in the English Army--why then does she seem so poor?--It can't be a +brother--her's is only thirteen--would a cousin count as a near +relation?--or--can she have a _fiancé_--?! + +The sudden idea of this caused me a nasty twinge--But no, her third +finger has no ring on it.--I grew calmer again--. + +"I feel you have a hundred thousand interesting things to say if you +would only talk!" I blurted out at last. + +"I am not here to talk, Sir Nicholas--I am here to do your typing." + +"Does that make a complete barrier?--Won't you be friends with me?" + +Burton came into the room at that moment--and while he was there she +slipped off to her typing without answering me. Burton has arranged a +place for her in his room, which is next to mine, so that I shall not be +disturbed by the noise of her machine clicking. + +"Miss Sharp must lunch with me"--I said. + +Burton coughed as he answered. + +"Very good, Sir Nicholas." + +That meant that he did not approve of this arrangement--why?--Really +these old servants are unsupportable. + +The antediluvian waiters come in to lay the table presently, and I +ordered peaches and grapes and some very special chablis--I felt +exultant at my having manoeuvred that Miss Sharp should eat with me! + +She came in when all was ready with her usual serene calm--and took her +place at right angles to me. + +Her hands are not nearly so red to-day, and their movements when she +began to eat pleased me--her wrists are tiny, and everything she does is +dainty. + +She did not peck her food like a bird, as very slight people sometimes +do--and she was entirely at ease--it was I who was nervous--. + +"Won't you take off your glasses," I suggested--but she declined--. + +"Of what use--I can see with them on." + +This disconcerted me. + +The waiter poured out the chablis carefully. She took it casually +without a remark, but for an instant a cynical expression grew round her +mouth--What was she thinking of?--it is impossible to tell, not seeing +her eyes--but some cynical thought was certainly connected with the +wine--By the direction of her head she may have been reading the label +on the bottle--Does she know how much it cost and disapprove of that in +war time--or what? + +We talked of French politics next,--that is, she answered everything I +said with intelligence, and then let the subject drop +immediately--Nothing could be more exasperating because I knew it was +deliberate and not that she is stupid, or could not keep up the most +profound conversation. She seemed to know the war situation very +well--Then I began about French literature--and at the end of the meal +had dragged out enough replies to my questions to know that she is an +exquisitely cultivated person--Oh! what a companion she would make if +only I could break down this wretched barrier of her reserve! + +She ate a peach--and I do hope she liked it--but she refused a cigarette +when I offered her one--. + +"I don't smoke." + +"Oh, I am so sorry I did not know--" and I put out mine. + +"You need not do that--I don't mind other people smoking, so long as I +need not do it myself." + +I re-lit another one--. + +"Do you know--I believe I shall have my new eye put in before +Christmas!" I told her just before she rose from the table--and for the +first time I have known her, the faintest smile came round her mouth--a +kindly smile--. + +--"I am so very glad," she said. + +And all over me there crept a thrill of pleasure. + +After lunch I suggested the _parc_, and that I should dictate in some +lovely cool spot. She made no objection, and immediately put on her +hat--a plain dark blue straw. She walked a little behind my bath chair +as we turned out of the Reservoires courtyard and began ascending the +avenue in the _parc_, so that I could not converse with her. By the time +we had reached the _parterre_ I called to her-- + +"Miss Sharp"-- + +She advanced and kept beside me--. + +"Does not this place interest you awfully?" I hazarded. + +"Yes." + +"Do you know it well?" + +"Yes." + +"What does it say to you?" + +"It is ever a reminder of what to avoid." + +"What to avoid! but it is perfectly beautiful. Why should you want to +avoid beauty?!" + +"I do not--it is what this was meant to stand for and what human beings +failed in allowing it to do--that is the lesson." + +I was frightfully interested. + +"Tell me what you mean?" + +"The architects were great, the king's thought was great--but only in +one way--and everyone--the whole class--forgot the real meaning of +_noblesse oblige_, and abused their power--and so the revolution swept +them away--They put false value upon everything--false values upon birth +and breeding--and no value upon their consequent obligations, or upon +character--." + +"You believe in acknowledging your obligations I know"-- + +"Yes--I hope so--Think in that palace the immense importance which was +given to etiquette and forms and ceremonies--and to a quite ridiculous +false sense of honour--they could ruin their poor tradesmen and--yet--." + +"Yes"--I interrupted--"it was odd, wasn't it?--a gentleman was still a +gentleman, never paying his tailor's bills--but ceased to be one if he +cheated at cards--." + +Miss Sharp suddenly dropped her dark blue parasol and bent to pick it up +again--and as she did she changed the conversation by remarking that +there were an unusual quantity of aeroplanes buzzing from Buc. + +This was unlike her--I cannot think why she did so. I wanted to steer +her back to the subject of Versailles and its meaning--. + +Burton puffed a little as we went up the rather steep slope by the _Aile +du Nord_, and Miss Sharp put her hand on the bar and helped him to push +the chair. + +"Is it not hateful for me being such a burden"--I could not help +saying--. + +"It leaves you more time to think--." + +"Well! that is no blessing--that is the agony--thinking." + +"It should not be--to have time to think must be wonderful"--and she +sighed unconsciously. + +Over me came a kind of rush of tenderness--I wanted to be strong again, +and protect her and make her life easy, and give her time and love and +everything in the world she could wish for--But I dared not say +anything, and she hung back again a little, and once more it made the +conversation difficult--and when we reached a sheltered spot by the +"_point du jour_" I felt there was a sort of armour around her, and that +it would be wiser to go straight to work and not talk further to-day. + +She went directly from the _parc_ to catch her train at five +o'clock--and I was wheeled back to the hotel. + +And now I have the evening alone before me--but the day is distinctly a +step onward in the friendship line. + + + + +VIII + + +I spent a memorable day with Miss Sharp in the _parc_ yesterday. I do +not even remember what I did in the intermediate time--it seems of so +little importance--but this Thursday will always stand out as a landmark +of our acquaintance. + +We drove in a fiacre to the Little Trianon after she arrived, with +Burton on the box to help me out, and then I walked with my crutch to a +delicious spot I know, rather near the grotto, and yet with a view of +the house--I was determined I would entice her to talk as much as I +could, and began very cautiously so as not to provoke her to suggest +work. + +"Have you ever read that wonderful story called 'An Adventure'--The two +old ladies seeing Marie Antoinette and some other ghosts here?" + +"No." + +So I told her about it, and how they had accounted for it. + +"I expect it was true," she said. + +"You believe in ghosts then?" + +"Some ghosts." + +"I wish I did--then I should know that there is a beyond--." + +I felt she was looking surprised. + +"But of course there is a beyond--we have all been there many times +during our evolution, after each life." + +"That is what I want to know about--that theory of reincarnation," I +responded eagerly--"can you tell me?" + +"I could get you a book about it--." + +"I would much rather hear it personally explained--the merest +outline,--please tell me, it might help me not to be such a rotter--." + +She looked away toward the giant trees, her mouth had a slightly sad +expression, I could have torn those glasses off her blue eyes! + +"We came up through the animal group soul--and finally were re-born +individualized, into man--and from then onward the life on this earth is +but a school for us to learn experience in, to prepare us eventually for +higher spheres. When we advance far enough we need not be re-born +again--." + +"Yes--as a theory--I follow that--." + +She went on-- + +"Everything is _cause_ and _effect_--We draw the result of every action +we commit, good or bad--and sometimes it is not until the next re-birth +we pay for the bad ones, or receive the result of the good ones--." + +"Is that why then that I am a cripple and life seems a beastly +affair--?" + +"Of course--You drew that upon yourself by some actions in your last +life--. Also it may be to teach you some lesson in the improvement of +the soul--." + +"I don't seem to have learned anything--I believe I am rebellious all +the time--." + +"Probably." + +"Miss Sharp--you could really help me if you would. Please explain to +me--I will be a diligent pupil." + +"Perhaps you were in a position of great power the last time, and were +lavish and kind to people in a way--or you would not be so rich now--but +you caused suffering and relied upon yourself, not on anything +divine--you must have caused much suffering, perhaps mentally even, and +so you had to be re-born and be wounded--to teach you the lesson of it +all;--that is called your Karma. Our Karma is what we bring on with us +from life to life in the way of obligations which we must discharge--so +you see it rests with each one of us not to lay up more debts to pay in +the future." + +Her refined voice was level, as though she were controlling herself, not +to allow any personal feeling to enter her discourse--her gloved hands +were perfectly still in her lap--She was in profile to me so that I +could see that her very long eyelashes seemed to be rather pressed +against the glasses--I have not before been so close to her in a bright +light.--Why does she wear those damned spectacles? I was thinking, when +she said-- + +"You find it hard to be confined to your chair and not to be able to +fight, don't you?--Well when you could fight it was not always the +pleasure of going over the top? You had to have times in the trenches +too, hadn't you--when you just had to bear it?" + +"Of course--?" + +"Well--you are in the trenches now, don't you see--and it is according +to how your soul learns the lesson of them, as to whether in this life +you will ever be allowed to go over the top again--or even to have +peace." + +"What is the lesson?" + +"I am not God--I cannot tell you--but we would all know what our lesson +to learn is, if we were not too vain to face the truth into ourselves." + +"The aim being?"-- + +"Why of course to improve character and learn strength." + +"What qualities do you most admire in a person, Miss Sharp?" + +"Self control and strength." + +"You have no sympathy with weaklings?" + +"None whatever--bad strong people are better than weak good ones." + +I knew this was true. This fragile creature suggests infinite repose and +strength--what could she have done in a former life to bring her back in +such unkind surroundings, that she must spend her days in drudgery, so +that she has never even leisure to think?--I longed to ask her, but did +not dare. + +"Shall we not begin work now," she suggested--and I demonstrated my +first lesson in self control by agreeing, and we did not talk again +until luncheon time. + +"If you don't mind we shall go to the little café by the _lac_," I +said--"and then afterwards we can find another place and work +again--Burton will have had my wheeled chair brought down there, so we +can choose a decent spot in one of the _bosquets_." + +She nodded slightly--Now that it was not to help my moral regeneration +she did not intend to talk any more, it seemed! + +As we got into the fiacre I slipped in the slightest degree, and caught +on to her arm--It was bare to the elbow in the little cheap cotton +frock, and as I touched the fine, fine skin, that maddening feeling came +over me again to clasp her in my arms.--I pulled myself together, and +she got in beside me. She has a darling tiny curl which comes behind her +ear, slipped down probably because her hair is so unfashionably +dressed--None of Suzette's "_geste_," nor even the subtle perfect taste +of the fluffies.--It is just torn back and rolled into a tight twist. +But now that I see her out of doors and in perspective I realize that +she has a lovely small figure, and that everything is in the right +place. I had told Burton to order the nicest lunch he could think of in +that simple place, and our table under one of the umbrellas was waiting +for us when we arrived. + +There were only four other people there besides ourselves, and a few +came in afterwards. + +I had forgotten my bread tickets, so Miss Sharp gave me one of hers. She +had relapsed into absolute silence. The only words she had uttered as +we came down that avenue from The Trianon to the _lac_ were when I +exclaimed at the beauty of it--I judged by her mouth that she was +admiring it too--and she said softly-- + +"For me, Versailles is the loveliest spot on earth!" + +My mind flew then to the thought of what it would be to buy a really +nice house here and spend the summers--with her--for my own--. I found +myself clutching at my crutch--. + +I tried to make conversation at lunch. There is nothing in the world so +difficult as to keep this up when you are nervous with interest, and the +other person is determined not to say a sentence which is unnecessary. A +chill crept over me. + +Burton turned up in time to pay the bill and put me into my chair. + +"I don't think you look well enough to stay out the afternoon, Sir +Nicholas"--he said--"Better go straight back to the hotel and rest--." + +Miss Sharp joined in. + +"I was going to say that"--she said. + +I felt like a cross, disappointed child--I knew they were both right +though; I was feeling pretty tired and had not an idea in my head. But +if I did that, there would be a chance to see her lost--and all the long +hours to face alone--. + +"I am quite all right and I want to work," I said fretfully--and we +started off. + +We went up through the lovely _allées_ past _Enceledus_--and on to the +_Quinconce du Nord_, Miss Sharp walking a little behind my chair. + +Here Burton bent over me--. + +"It would be good for you to be taking a nap, Sir Nicholas--Indeed it +would." + +It seemed as if Miss Sharp was abetting him, for she came to my side--. + +"If you can get quite comfortable--I would read to you, and you might +sleep," she said--. + +"We've no book"--I retorted--peeved, and yet pleased at the idea. + +"I have one here which, will do"--and she took a little volume from her +bag.--"I have wanted it for a long time, and I bought it at the _Foire_ +as I came from the station to-day--it cost a franc!" + +It was a worn eighteenth century copy of François Villon--. + +"Yes, that will be nice," I agreed--and leaned back while Burton settled +my cushion, and then retired to a distance. Twelve years on and off of +Paris has not taught him French--at least not the French of François +Villon! + +Miss Sharp took a little _parc_ chair and I was able to watch her as she +read--I did not even hear the words--because, as she was looking down I +had not to guard myself, but could let my eye devour her small oval +face. All my nerves were thrilling again and there was no peace--how I +longed--ached--to take her into my arms! + +She looked up once after an hour, to see if I were asleep, I +suppose.--She must have observed passionate emotion in my eye--she +looked down at the book instantly, but a soft pink flush came into her +cheeks--which have a mother of pearl transparency usually. This caused +me deep pleasure--I had been able to make her feel something at any +rate! but then I was frightened--perhaps she would suggest going if she +found the situation uncomfortable. Her voice had a fresh tone in it as +she went on, and finally it faltered, and she stopped. + +"If it is not putting you to sleep" she remarked--"perhaps you would not +object if I walked on and typed what I took down this morning--It seems +a pity to waste this time." + +I knew that if I did not let her have her way there might be +difficulties, so I agreed--and said that I would go back to the hotel +and rest upon the sofa in the salon--So the procession started, and as +we took the _allée_, to bring us to the Reservoirs on the level--I +suddenly caught sight of Coralie and her last favoured one!--both of +whom are supposed to be at Deauville with the rest! + +Coralie was exquisitely dressed, Duquesnois in uniform. + +I realized that she had seen us, and that she could not avoid coming up +to talk, although that had not been her intention--When one is supposed +to be at Deauville with one's family, and is in reality at Versailles +with one's lover--one does not seek to recognize one's friends! + +She came forward with _empressement_ when she found the meeting was +inevitable--. + +"Nicholas!" she cooed "--what happiness!"-- + +Then she eyed Miss Sharp mischievously, making a movement as though she +expected me to introduce them--. + +But Miss Sharp defeated this by immediately walking on--. + +"_Tiens!_" said Coralie--. + +"That is Miss Sharp--my secretary--What are you doing--here Coralie?" + +"Perhaps the same as you, _cher ami_--" and she rippled with +laughter--"Versailles is so tranquil a place!" + +I could have slapped her--fortunately Miss Sharp was out of earshot--. + +Jean Duquesnois now joined in--he was back from the front for two +days--things were going better--peace would certainly be declared before +Christmas--. + +Coralie meanwhile was looking after Miss Sharp with an expression upon +her clever face which only a Frenchwoman is able to put there--It said +as plainly as words, "So this is the reason Nicholas!--Well you have +chosen something very every-day and inexpensive this time!--Men are +certainly crazy in their tastes!" + +I pretended not to notice, and so she spoke. + +"Why if you can come here cannot you come to Deauville, Nicholas?--there +must be some irresistible attraction stronger than to be with your +friends!" + +"Yes--he is an excellent Swedish masseur who is glued to Paris.--Also I +like solitude sometimes--." + +"Solitude!" and Coralie glanced at Miss Sharp's rapidly disappearing +figure--. "_Hein?_" + +I would not permit myself to grow angry. + +"The book is nearly finished--you can tell the rest--." + +"That old book! You were much more entertaining before you commenced it, +Nicholas! Perhaps the idea has come to me why!" + +I would not be drawn--I threw the war into the enemy's country. + +"You are staying at the Reservoirs?" + +I saw that she was--and that now the thought of my being there +disconcerted her--. + +"But no!" she lied sweetly--"I am merely out here for the day to see +Louise, who has a son in the hospital--." + +It was my turn to say-- + +"_Tiens?_" + +And then we both laughed--and I let them go on--. + +But when I got into my salon--I heard no typing--only there was a note +from Miss Sharp to say that some slight thing had gone wrong with the +machine, so she had taken the work to finish it at home--. + +I cursed Coralie and all the fluffies in the world, and then in pain +laid down upon my bed. + + + + +IX + + +_Saturday Morning:_ + +Yesterday I was so restless I could not settle to anything. I read pages +and pages of Plato and was conscious that the words were going over in +my head without conveying the slightest meaning, and that the other part +of my mind was absorbed with thoughts of Miss Sharp--. If I only dared +to be natural with her we surely could be friends, but I am always +obsessed with the fear that she will leave me if I transgress in the +slightest beyond the line she has marked between us--. I see that she is +determined to remain only the secretary, and I realize that it is her +breeding which makes her act as she does--. If she were familiar or +friendly with me, she would feel it was not correct to come to my flat +alone--She only comes at all because the money is so necessary to +her--and having to come, she protects her dignity by wearing this ice +mask.--I know that she was affronted by Coralie's look on Thursday, and +that is why she went home pretending the typing machine was out of +order--Now if any more of these _contretemps_ happen she will probably +give me warning. Burton instinctively sensed this, and that is why he +disapproved of my asking her to lunch--If she had been an ordinary +typist Burton would not have objected in the least,--as I said before, +Burton knows the world! + +Now what is to be done next?--I would like to go and confide in the +Duchesse, and tell her that I believe I have fallen in love with my +secretary, who won't look at me, and ask her advice--but that I fear +with all her broad-minded charity, her class prejudice is too strong to +make her really sympathetic. Her French mind of the _Ancien Régime_ +could not contemplate a Thormonde--son of Anne de Mont-Anbin--falling in +love with an insignificant Miss Sharp who brings bandages to the +Courville hospital! + +These thoughts tormented me so all yesterday that I was quite feverish +by the evening--and Burton wore an air of thorough disapproval. A rain +shower came on too, and I could not go up on the terrace for the sunset. + +I would like to have taken asperines and gone to sleep, when night +came--but I resisted the temptation, telling myself that to-morrow she +would come again. + +I am dawdling over this last chapter on purpose--and I have re-read the +former ones and decided to rewrite one or two, but at best I cannot +spread this out over more than six weeks, I fear, and then what excuse +can I have for keeping her? I feel that she would not stay just to +answer a few letters a day, and do the accounts and pay the bills with +Burton. I feel more desperately miserable than I have felt since last +year--And I suppose that according to her theory, I have to learn a +lesson. It seems if I search, as she said one must do without vanity, +that the lesson is to conquer emotion, and be serene when everything +which I desire is out of reach. + + * * * * * + +_Saturday Night:_ + +To-day has been one of utter disaster and it began fairly well. Miss +Sharp turned up at eleven as I shut my journal. I had sent to the +station to meet her this time--She brought all the work she had taken +away with her on Thursday, quite in order--and her face wore the usual +mask. I wonder if I had not ever seen her without her glasses if I +should have realized now that she is very pretty--I can see her +prettiness even with them on--her nose is so exquisitely fine, and the +mouth a Cupid's bow really--if one can imagine a Cupid's bow very firm. +I am sure if she were dressed as Odette, or Alice, or Coralie, she would +be lovely. This morning when she first came I began thinking of this and +of how I should like to give her better things than any of the fluffies +have ever had--how I would like her to have some sapphire bangles for +those little wrists and a great string of pearls round that little +throat--my mother's pearls--and perhaps big pearls in those shell +ears--And how I would like to take her hair down and brush it out, and +let it curl as it wanted to--and then bury my face in it--those stiff +twists must take heaps of hair to make.--But why am I writing all this +when the reality is further off than ever, and indeed has become an +impossibility I fear. + +We worked in the sitting-room--it was a cloudy day--and presently, after +I had been dreaming on in this way, I asked her to read over the +earlier chapters of the book.--She did--. + +"Now what do you think of the thing as a whole?" I asked her. + +She was silent for a moment as though trying not to have to answer +directly, then that weird constitutional honesty seemed to force out the +words. + +"It perhaps tells what that furniture is." + +"You feel it is awful rot?" + +"No--." + +"What then?" + +"It depends if you mean to publish it?" + +I leaned back and laughed--bitterly! the realization that she understood +so completely that it was only a "_soulagement_"--an "asperine" for me, +so to speak as the Duchesse said--cut in like a knife. I had the +exasperated feeling that I was just being pandered to, humored by +everyone, because I was wounded. I was an object of pity, and even my +paid typist--but I can't write about it. + +Miss Sharp started from her chair, her fine nostrils were quivering, and +her mouth had an expression I could not place. + +"Indeed, it is not bad," she said--"You misunderstand me--." + +I knew now that she was angry with herself for having hurt me--and that +I could have made capital out of this, but something in me would not let +me do that. + +"Oh--it is all right--" I replied, but perhaps my voice may have been +flat and discouraged--for she went on so kindly. + +"You know a great deal about the subject of course--but I feel the +chapters want condensing--May I tell you just where?" + +I felt that the thing did not interest me any more, one way or another, +it was just a ridiculous non-essential--. I saw it all in a new +perspective--but I was glad she seemed kindly--though for a moment even +that appeared of less importance. Something seemed to have numbed me. +What, what could be the good of anything?--the meaning of anything?--I +unconsciously put my head back against the cushion of my chair in +weariness--I felt the soft silk and shut my eye for a moment. + +When Miss Sharp spoke again, her voice was full of sympathy--and was it +remorse--? + +"I would like to help you to take interest in it--again--won't you let +me?" she pleaded. + +I was grateful that she did not say she was sorry she had hurt me--that +I could not have stood--. + +I opened my eye now and looked at her, she was bending nearer to me, but +I felt nothing particular, only a desire to go to sleep and have done +with it all. It was as if the fabric of my make-believe had been rent +asunder. + +"It is very good of you," I answered politely--"Yes--say what you +think." + +Her tact is immense--she plunged straight into the subject without +further imputation of sympathy,--her voice, full of inflections of +interest and friendliness, her constrained self-control laid aside for +the time. She spoke so intelligently, showing trained critical +faculties--and at last my numbness began gradually to melt, and I could +not help some return of sensation. There may have been soothing syrup in +the fact that she must have been interested in the work, or she could +not have dissected it chapter by chapter, point by point, as she was +doing. + +She grew animated as we discussed things, and once unconsciously took +off her glasses--It was like the sun coming out after days of storm +clouds--her beautiful, beautiful blue eyes!--My "heart gave a bound"--(I +believe that is the way to express what I mean!)--I felt a strange +emotion of excitement and pleasure--I had not time to control my +admiration, I expect,--for she took fright and instantly replaced them, +a bright flush in her cheeks--and went on talking in a more reserved +way--Alas!-- + +Of course then I realized that she does not wear the glasses for any +reason of softening light or of defective sight, but simply to hide +those blue stars and make herself unattractive--. + +How mysterious it all is!-- + +I wish I had been able to conceal the fact that I had noticed that the +glasses were off--Another day I would certainly have taken advantage of +this moment and would have tried to make her confess the reason of her +wearing them; but some odd quality in me prevented me from reaping any +advantage from this situation, so I let the chance pass.--Perhaps she +was grateful to me, for she warmed up a little again. + +I began to feel that I might write the fool of a book right over from +the beginning--and suggested to her that we should take it in detail. + +She acquiesced--. + +Then it suddenly struck me that she had not only spoken of style in +writing, of method in book making--but had shown an actual knowledge of +the subject of the furniture itself.--How could little Miss Sharp, a +poverty stricken typist, be familiar with William and Mary furniture? +She has obviously not "seen better days," and only taken up a +stenographic business lately, because such proficiency as she shows, not +only in this work but in account keeping and all the duties of a +secretary, must have required a steady professional training. + +Could she have studied in Museums? + +But the war has been on for four years and I had gathered that she has +been in Paris all that time--Even if she had left England in 1914, she +could only have been eighteen or nineteen then, and girls of that age do +not generally take an interest in furniture. This thought kept bothering +me--and I was silent for some moments. I was weighing things up. + +Her voice interrupted my thoughts. + +"The Braxted chair has the first of the knotted fringes known"--it was +saying. + +I had spoken of the Braxted chair--but had not recorded this fact--. + +How the devil could she have known about it? + +"Where did you find that?" + +"I knew someone who had seen it--" she answered in the same voice, but +her cheeks grew pinker--. + +"You have never seen it yourself?" + +"No--I have never been in England--." + +"----Never been in England?" + +I was stupefied. + +She went on hurriedly--I was going to write feverishly,--so quickly did +she rush into questions of method in arranging the chapters, her armour +was on again--she had become cautious, and was probably annoyed with +herself for ever having allowed herself to slip off her guard. + +I knew that I could disconcert her, and probably obtain some interesting +admissions from her--and have a thrilling fencing match, but some +instinct warned me not to do so--I might win out for the time being, but +if she has a secret which she does not wish me to discover, she will +take care not again to put herself in a situation where this can happen. +I have the apprehension always hanging, like Damocles' sword, over my +head, of her relinquishing her post. Besides, why should I trouble her +for my own satisfaction?--However, I registered a vow then that I would +find out all I could from Maurice. + +The inference of everything she says, does and unconsciously infers, is +that she is a cultivated lady, accustomed to talking with people of our +world--people who know England and its great houses well enough to have +made her familiar with the knowledge of where certain pieces of famous +furniture are.--The very phrasing of her sentences is the phrasing of +our Shibboleth, and not the phrasing of the professional classes. + +And yet--she is meanly dressed--does housework--and for years must have +been trained in professional business methods. It is profoundly +interesting. + +I have never even questioned Maurice as to how he heard of her. + +Well, I write all this down calmly, the record of the morning, to let +myself look back on it, and to where the new intimacy might have led us, +but for the sickening end to the day. + +Burton did not question her lunching with me this time--he had given the +order as a matter of course--He is very fine in his distinctions, and +understood that to make any change after she once had eaten with me +would be invidious. + +By the time the waiters came in to lay the table, that sense of hurt, +and then of numbness, had worn off--I was quite interested again in the +work, and intensely intrigued about the possible history of the Sharp +family! + +I was using cunning, too, and displaying casual indifference, so +watchfulness was allowed to rest a little with the strange girl. + +"I believe if you will give me your help I shall be able to make quite +a decent book of it after all,--but does it not seem absurd to trouble +about such thing's as furniture with the world in ruins and Empires +tottering!"--I remarked while the ark-relic handed the omelette--. + +"All that is only temporary--presently people will be glad to take up +civilized interests again." + +"You never had any doubt as to how the war would end?" + +"Never." + +"Why?" + +"Because I believe in the gallantry of France, and the tenacity of +England, and the--youth of America." + +"And what of Germany?" + +"The vulgarity." + +This was quite a new reason for Germany's certain downfall--! It +delighted me--. + +"But vulgarity does not mean weakness!" + +"Yes it does--Vulgar people have imperfect sensibilities, and cannot +judge of the psychology of others, they appraise everything by their own +standard--and so cannot calculate correctly possible contingencies--that +shows weakness." + +"How wise you are--and how you think!" + +She was silent. + +"All the fighting nations will be filled with vulgarians even when we do +win, though with most of the decent people killed--" I ventured to +say--. + +"Oh! no--Lots of their souls are not vulgar, only their environment has +caused their outward self-expression to seem so. Once you get below the +pompous _bourgeoisie_ in France, for instance, the more delightful you +find the spirit, and I expect it is the same in England. It is the +pretentious aspiring would-bes who are vulgar--and Germany seems filled +with them," + +"You know it well?" + +"Yes, pretty well." + +"If it is not a frightfully impertinent question--how old are you +really, Miss Sharp--?" I felt that she could not be only twenty-three +after this conversation. + +She smiled--the second smile I have seen--. + +"On the twentieth of October I shall be twenty-four." + +"Where on earth did you learn all your philosophy of life in the time!" + +"It is life which teaches us everything--if we are not half +asleep--especially if it is difficult--." + +"And the stupid people are like me--not liking to learn any lessons and +kicking against the pricks--.", + +"Yes--." + +"I would try to learn anything you would teach me though, Miss Sharp." + +"Why?" + +"Because I have confidence in you"--I did not add--because I loved her +voice and respected her character and----. + +"Thank you"--she said. + +"Will you teach me?" + +"What?" + +"How not to be a rotter--." + +"A man knows that himself--." + +"How to learn serenity then?" + +"That would be difficult." + +"Am I so impossible?" + +"I cannot say--but." + +"But--what?" + +"One would have to begin from the beginning--." + +"Well?" + +"And I have not time--." + +I looked at her as she said this--there was in the tone a faint echo of +regret, so I wanted to see the expression of her mouth--It told me +nothing. + +I could not get anything further out of her, because the waiters came in +and out after this rather frequently, changing the courses--and so I did +not have any success. + +After lunch I suggested as it had cleared up that we should go at least +as far as the parterre, and sit under the shadow of the terrace--the +flower beds are full of beans now--their ancient glories departed. Miss +Sharp followed my bath chair,--and with extreme diligence kept me to the +re-arranging of the first chapter. For an hour I watched her darling +small face whenever I could. A sense of peace was upon me. We were +certainly on the first rung of the ladder of friendship--and +presently--presently--If only I could keep from annoying her in any way! + +When we had finished our task she rose--. + +"If you don't mind, as it is Saturday I have promised Burton"--and she +looked at him, seated on a chair beyond earshot enjoying the sun--"to do +up the accounts and prepare the cheques for you to sign--. So I will go +in now and begin." + +I wanted to say "Damn the accounts"--but I let her go--I must play the +tortoise in this game, not the hare. She smiled faintly--the third +smile--as she made me a little bow, and walked off. + +After a few paces she came back again. + +"May I ask Burton for the bread ticket I lent you on Thursday," she +said--"No one can afford to be generous with them now, can they!" + +I was delighted at this. I would have been delighted at anything which +kept her with me an extra minute. + +I watched her as she disappeared down towards the Reservoirs with +longing eyes, then I must have dozed for a while, because it was a +quarter to five when I got back to my sitting-room. + +And when I was safely in my chair there was a knock on the door, and in +she came--with a cheque-book in her hand. Before I opened it or even +took it up I knew something had happened which had changed her again. + +Her manner had its old icy respect as of a person employed, all the +friendliness which had been growing in the last two or three days had +completely departed. I could not imagine why--. + +She put the cheque-book open, and handed me a pen to sign with, and then +I signed the dozen that she had filled in, and tore them off as I did +so. She was silent, and when I had finished she took them, saying +casually that she would bring the corrected chapter typed again on +Tuesday, and was now going to catch her train--and before I could reply, +she had gone into the other room--. + +A frightful sense of depression fell upon me--What could it possibly +be--? + +Idly I picked up the cheque-book--and absently fingered the leaves--then +my eye caught a counterfoil where I had chanced to open it. It was not +in Miss Sharp's handwriting, although this was the house cheque-book +which Burton usually keeps, but in my own and there was written, just +casually as I scribble in my private account.--"For Suzette 5000 francs" +and the date of last Saturday--and on turning the page there was the +further one of "For Suzette 3000 francs" and the date of Monday!! + +The irony of fate!--I had picked this cheque-book up inadvertently I +suppose on these two days instead of my own. + + + + +X + + +It is quite useless for me to comment upon the utterly annoying +circumstance of that mixup of cheque-books--Such things are fate--and +fate I am beginning to believe is nothing but a reflex of our own +actions. If Suzette had not been my little friend, I should not have +given her eight thousand francs--but as she has been--and I did--I must +stand by the consequences. + +After all--a man?--Well--what is the use of writing about it. I am so +utterly mad and resentful that I have no words. + +It is Sunday morning, and this afternoon I shall hire the one motor +which can be obtained here, at a fabulous price, and go into Paris. +There are some books I want to get out of my bookcase--and somehow I +have lost interest here. But this morning I shall go and sit in the +parish church and hear Mass.--I feel so completely wretched, the music +may comfort me and give me courage to forget all about Miss Sharp. And +in any case there is a soothing atmosphere in a Roman Catholic church, +which is agreeable. I love the French people! They are a continual +tonic, if one takes them rightly. So filled with common sense, simply +using sentiment as an ornament, and a relaxation; and never allowing it +to interfere with the practical necessities of life. Ignorant people say +they are hysterical, and over passionate--They are nothing of the +kind--They believe in material things, and in the "_beau geste_." Where +they require a religion, they accept a comforting one; and meanwhile +they enjoy whatever comes in their way and get through disagreeables +philosophically. _Vive la France!_ + + * * * * * + +I am waiting for the motor now--and trying to be resigned.--Mass did me +good--I sat in a corner and kept my crutch by me. The Church itself told +me stories, I tried to see it in Louis XV's time--I dare say it looked +much the same, only dirtier--And life was made up with etiquette and +forms and ceremonies, more exasperating than anything now. But they were +ahead of us in manners, and a sense of beauty. + +A little child came and sat beside me for about ten minutes, and looked +at me and my crutch sympathetically. + +"_Blessé de la guerre_," I heard her whisper to her mother--"_Comme +Jean_." + +The organ was not bad--and before I came out I felt calmer. + +After all it is absurd of Miss Sharp to be disgusted about Suzette--She +must know, at nearly twenty-four, and living in France, that there are +Suzettes--and I am sure she is not narrow-minded in any way--What can +have made her so censorious? If she took a personal interest in me it +would be different, but entirely indifferent as she is, how can it +matter to her?--As I write this, that hot sense of anger and rebellion +arises in me--I'll have to keep saying to myself that I am in the +trenches again and must not complain. + +I'll make Burton find out if Coralie is really staying here, and get her +to dine with me to-night--Coralie always pretended to have a _béguin_ +for me--even when most engaged elsewhere. + + * * * * * + +_Monday:_ + +Sunday was a memorable day--. + +I went through the _Bois de Marne_ on that bad road because the trees +were so lovely--and then through the _parc de St. Cloud_. Even in war +time this wonderful people can enjoy the open air life!-- + +I think of Henriette d' Angleterre looking from the terrace of her +Château over the tree tops--The poor Château! not a stone of which is +standing to-day--Did she feel sentimental with her friend the Comte de +Guiche--as I would like to feel now?--If I had someone to be sentimental +with. Alas! There was an ominous hot stillness in the air, and the sky +beyond the Eiffel tower had a heavy, lurid tone in it. + +When we got across the river into the _Bois de Boulogne_ it seemed as if +all Paris was enjoying a holiday. I told the chauffeur to go down a side +_allée_ and to go slowly, and presently I made him draw up at the side +of the road. It was so hot, and I wanted to rest for a little, the +motion was jarring my leg. + +I think I must have been half asleep, when my attention was caught by +three figures coming up another by-path obliquely--the tallest of them +was undoubtedly Miss Sharp--but Miss Sharp as I had never seen her +before!-- + +And a boy of thirteen, and a girl of eleven were at either side of her, +the boy clinging on to her arm, he was lame and seemed to be a +dreadfully delicate, rickety person. The little girl was very small and +sickly looking too--but Miss Sharp--my secretary!--appeared blooming and +young and lovely in her inexpensive foulard frock--No glasses hid her +blue eyes. Her hair was not torn back and screwed into a knot, but might +have been dressed by Alice's maid--and her hat, the simplest thing +possible, was most becoming, with the proper modish "look."-- + +Refinement and perfect taste proclaimed themselves from every inch of +her, even if everything had only cost a small sum. + +So that dowdy get-up is for my benefit, and is not habitual to her!--Or +is it, that she has only one costume and keeps it for Sundays and days +of _fête_?-- + +In spite of my determination to put all thought of her from me--a wild +emotion arose--a passionate longing to spring from the car and join +her--to talk to her, and tell her how lovely I thought she was looking. + +They came nearer and nearer--I could see that her face was rippling with +smiles at something the little brother had said--Its expression was +gentle and sympathetic and it was obvious that fond affection held all +three. + +The children might have been drawn by Du Maurier in Punch long ago, to +express a family who were overbred. Race run to seed expressed itself in +every line of them. The boy wore an Eton jacket and collar and a tall +hat--and it looked quite strange in this place. + +As they got close to me I could hear him cough in the hollow way which +tells its own story--. + +I cowered down behind the hood of the motor, and they passed without +seeing me--or perhaps Miss Sharp did see me but was determined not to +look--. I felt utterly alone and deserted by all the world--and the same +nervous trembling came over me which once before made me suffer so, and +again I was conscious that my cheek was wet with a tear. + +The humiliation of it! the disgrace of such feebleness!-- + +When they had gone by, I started forward again to watch them--I could +hear the little girl cry, "Oh! look Alathea!" as she pointed to the sky, +and then all three began to quicken their pace down another _allée_, in +the direction of Auteuil, and were soon out of sight. + +Then, still quivering with emotion, I too glanced heavenward--Ye Gods! +what a storm was coming on--! + +Where were they going? there into the deep wood?--it was a good mile or +two from the Auteuil gate--They would be soaked to the skin when the +rain did commence to fall--and there was a thunder storm beginning +also--were they quite safe? + +All these thoughts tormented me, and I gave the chauffeur orders to take +a road I thought might cut across the path they had followed, and when +we reached the spot, I made him wait. + +The livid lightning rent the sky and the thunder roared like guns, and +the few people in sight rushed, panic-stricken, in a hopeless search for +shelter--far greater fear on their faces than they show at German bombs. + +My chauffeur complained audibly, as he got down to shut the car--Did +Monsieur wish to be struck by lightning? he demanded, very enraged. + +Still I waited--but no Sharp family appeared--and at last I knew I had +missed them somehow--a very easy thing in that path-bisected wood. So I +told him he could drive like hell to my _appartement_ in the _Place des +Etats Unis_--and off we rushed in the now torrential rain--It was one of +the worst thunder storms I have ever seen in my life. + +I was horribly worried as to what could have happened to that little +party, for that _alleé_ where I had seen them, was in the very middle of +the _Bois_, and far from any gate or shelter. They must have got soaking +wet if nothing worse had happened to them. And how could I hear anything +about them?--What should I do? Was the Duchesse in Paris?--Could I find +the address possibly from her? But would she be likely to know it? just +because Miss Sharp--"Alathea"--(what a lovely Greek name!) brought +bandages to the hospital? + +However, this was worth trying, and I could hardly wait to get out of +the motor, and get to the telephone. The _concierge_ came out with an +umbrella in great concern and took me up in the lift herself--and there +was Burton waiting for me, he had come in by train to take me back +safely later on. + +How I cursed my folly in not having asked Miss Sharp herself for her +address! Could Burton possibly know it?--How silly of me not to have +thought of that before! + +"Burton, I saw Miss Sharp and her family in the _Bois_--do you know +their address by chance?--I want to ring up and find out if they got +home all right." + +Burton could see my anxiety--and actually hurried in his reply! + +"They live in Auteuil, Sir Nicholas, but I can't exactly say where--the +young lady never seems very particular to give me the address. She said +I should not be needing it, and that they were likely to move." + +"Get on to the Duchesse de Courville-Hautevine as quickly as you can--." + +Burton did so at once, but it seemed a long time. + +--No, Madame la Duchesse was down at Hautevine taking some fresh +convalescents, and would not return until the middle of the week--if +then! + +I nearly swore aloud--. + +"Are they talking from the _concierge's_ lodge or the hotel?--Burton ask +at both if they know the address of a Miss Sharp who brings bandages to +the hospital!" + +Of course by this time the connection had been cut off, and it took +quite ten minutes to get on again, and by that time I could have yelled +aloud with the feverish fret of it all, and the pain! + +No one knew anything of a "Mees Shearp." + +"Mees Shearp--_Mais non_!" + +Many ladies brought bandages, _hein_?! + +I mastered myself as well as I could and got into my chair--. + +And in a few moments Burton brought me a brandy and soda, and put it +into my hand. + +"It won't be cleared up enough to go back to Versailles before dinner, +Sir Nicholas," he said--and coughed--"I was just thinking maybe--you'd +be liking some friends to come in and dine--Pierre can get something in +from the restaurant, if you'd feel inclined." + +The cough meant that Burton knows I am dreadfully upset, and that under +the circumstances anything to distract me is the lesser of two evils--! + +"Ask whom you please," I answered and drank the brandy and soda down. + +Presently, after half an hour, Burton came back to me, beaming--I had +been sitting in my chair too exhausted even to feel pain meanwhile--. + +He had telephoned everywhere, and no one was in town, but at last, at +the Ritz, where the _concierge_ knows all my friends, he had been +informed that Mrs. Bruce (Nina) had arrived the night before, alone--he +had got connected up at her _appartement_, and she would be ''round at +eight o'clock, very pleased to dine!' + +Nina!--A pleasant thrill ran through me--Nina, and without Jim--! + +The wood fire was burning brightly, and the curtains were drawn when +Nina, fresh as a rose, came in--. + +"Nicholas!" she cried delightedly--and held out both hands. + +"Nina!--this is a pleasure, you old dear!--now let me look at you and +see what marriage has done--." + +Nina drew back and laughed! + +"Everything, Nicholas!" she said--. + +A feeling of envy came over me--Jim's ankle is stiff for life--it seems +hard that an eye can make such a difference!--Nina is in love with Jim, +but no woman can be in love with me. + +Her face is much softer, she is more attractive altogether. + +"You look splendid, Nina," I told her--"I want to hear all about it." + +"So you shall when we have finished dinner," and she handed me my crutch +as I got up from my chair. + +Pierre had secured some quite respectable food, and during dinner and +afterwards when we were cosily smoking our cigarettes in the +sitting-room, Nina gave me all the news of our friends at home.--Every +single one of them was still working, she said. + +"It is marvelous how they have stuck it," I responded--. + +"Oh no, not at all," Nina answered. "We as a nation are people of +habit--the war is a habit to us now--heaps of us work from a sense of +duty and patriotism, others because they are afraid what would be said +of them if they did not--others because they are thankful to have some +steady job to get off their superfluous energy on--So it ends by +everyone being roped in--and you can't think, Nicholas, how divine it is +to get home after long hours of drudgery, to find the person you love +waiting for you, and to know you are going to have all the rest of the +time together, until next day!" + +"No, I can't imagine the bliss of that, Nina--." + +She looked at me suddenly--. + +"Well, why don't you marry then, dear boy?" + +"I would, if I thought I could secure bliss--but you forget, it would be +from pity and not love that a woman would be kind to me." + +"I am--not quite sure of that, Nicholas"--and she looked at me +searchingly--"You are changed since last time--you are not so bitter and +sardonic--and you, always have that--oh! you know what Elinor Glyn +writes of in her books--that "it."--Some kind of attraction that has no +name--but I am sure has a lot to do with love--." + +"So you think I have got 'it,' Nina?" + +"Yes, your clothes fit so well--and you say rather whimsical +things--Yes, decidedly, Nicholas, now that you are not so bitter--I am +sure--." + +"What a pity you did not find that out before you took Jim, Nina!" + +"Oh! Jim! that is different--You have much more brain than Jim, and +would not have been nearly so easy to live with!" + +"Is it going well, Nina?" + +"Yes--perfectly--that is why I came to Paris alone--I knew it would be +good for him--besides I wanted a rest, Nicholas." + +"I thought you had married for a rest!" + +"Well, if a man 'in love' is what you really want,--and not his just +'loving' you--you have to use your wits; it can't be a rest, not if he +has made you care too.--When I was just tossing up between Jim and +Rochester, then I had not to bother about how I behaved to them. You see +I was the, as yet, unattained desired thing--but having accepted one of +them, he has time to think of things, not having to fight to get me, and +so I have to keep him thinking of things which have still speculation in +them--don't you see?" + +"You have to keep the hunting instinct alive, in fact." + +"Yes--" + +"You don't think it would be possible to find someone who was just one's +mate so that no game of any sort would be necessary?" + +She thought hard for a moment. + +"That, of course, would be heaven--" then she sighed--"I am afraid it is +no use in hoping for that, Nicholas!" + +"Someone who would understand so well that silence was eloquent--someone +who would read books with one, and think thoughts with one. Someone who +would lie in one's arms and respond to caresses--and not be counting the +dollars--or--doing her knitting--. Someone who was tender and kind and +true--Oh! Nina!" + +I suppose my voice had taken on a tone of emotion--I was thinking of +Miss Sharp--Alathea--that shall be her name always for me now--. + +"Nicholas!" Nina exclaimed--"My dear boy, of course you are in love!" + +"And if so?" + +Instantly I became of more value to Nina--she realized that she had lost +me, and that some other woman drew me and not herself--and although Nina +is the best sort in the world and more or less really in love with Jim, +I knew that a new note could grow in our friendship if I wished to +encourage it--Nina's fighting instinct had been aroused to try to get me +back! + +"Who with?" she demanded laconically. + +"With a dream--." + +"Nonsense! you are much too cynical--Is it anyone I know?" + +"I should not think so--she has not materialised yet." + +"This is frightfully interesting, my dear old boy!" + +"So you think I'll have a chance then?" + +"Certainly when you are all finished." + +"My new eye is to be in before Christmas, and my new leg after the new +year, and my shoulder gets straighter every day!" + +Nina laughed--. + +"Real love would be--I suppose--if you could make her adore you before +you looked any handsomer!" + +And this sentence of Nina's rang in my ears long after she had gone, and +often in the night. I could not sleep, I felt something had happened and +that fate might be going to take Miss Sharp--Alathea--from me--. + + * * * * * + +And then before morning in fretful dreams I seemed to be obsessed by the +cooing of love words between a woman and a child--. + + + + +XI + + +Monday was a perfectly impossible day--I spent all the morning before I +returned to Versailles in writing to Maurice, telling him he must find +out all about Miss Sharp--Alathea--I felt if I told him her Christian +name it would be a clue--and yet even to assist in that, which was, at +the moment, my heart's desire, I could not overcome my personal dislike +to pronounce it to Maurice!--it seemed as something sacred to me +alone--which makes me reflect upon how egotistical we all are--and how +we would all rather fail in attaining what is our greatest wish than not +to be able to express our own personality--! + +Nina had suggested before she left that I should stay in Paris and come +to the theatre with her--. + +"We could have some delicious old times, Nicholas, now that you are so +much better." + +Once this would have thrilled me--only last Spring! but now the +contrariness in me made me say that it was absolutely necessary that I +returned immediately to Versailles. I believe I should have answered +like that even if there had been no Miss Sharp,--Alathea--in the case, +just because I now knew Nina really wanted me to stay--every man is like +that, more or less, if only women knew!--The whole sex relation is one +of fence--until the object has been secured--and then emotion dies out +altogether, or is revived in one or the other, but very seldom in both. +Love--real love--is beyond all this I suppose, and does not depend upon +whether or no the other person excites one's desire for conquest. Love +must be wonderful--I believe Alathea--(I have actually written it +naturally this time!--) could love. I never used to think I could, at +the best of moments I have analysed my emotions, and stood aside as it +were, and measured just how much things were meaning to me. + +But when I think of that scrap of a girl, with her elusive ways, her +pride, her refinement, even her little red hands--! I have a longing--a +passionate longing to hold her always near me--to know that she is +mine--that for the rest of time I should be with her, learning from her +high thoughts, comforted by her strength of character--believing in +her--respecting her--Yes, that is it--_respecting her_. How few women +one meets with attractions that one really respects.--One respects many +elderly ones, of course, and abstract splendid creatures, but bringing +it down to concrete facts, how few are the women who have drawn one's +admiration or excited one's desire, who at the same time one +reverenced!--Love must mean reverence--that is it. + +And what is reverence--? + +The soul's acknowledgment of the purity of another--and purity in this +sense means truth and honor, and lofty aims--not the denial of all +passion, or the practice of asceticism. + +I utterly reverence Alathea, and yet I am sure with that mouth--if she +loved me she would be anything but cold. How on God's earth can I make +her love me--? + +I went back to Versailles after luncheon, having had to see the +specialist about my eye, he thinks the socket is so marvelously healed +lately, that I could have the glass one in now much sooner than +Christmas. I wonder if some self confidence will return when I can feel +people are not revolted when looking at me?--That again is +super-sensitiveness. Of course no one is revolted--they feel pity--and +that is perhaps worse. When I get my leg too, shall I have the nerve to +make love to Alathea and use all the arts which used to be so successful +in the old days? + +I believe if I were back in 1914--I should still be as nervous as a cat +when with her--Is this one of the symptoms of love again? + +George Harcourt has many maxims upon the subject of love--One is that a +Frenchman thinks most of the methods of love--An Englishman more of the +sensations of love--and an Austrian of the emotions of love--. I wonder +if this is true? He also says that a woman does not really appreciate a +man who reverences her sex in the abstract, and is chivalrous about all +women,--she rather thinks him a simpleton--. What she does appreciate is +a man who holds cynical views about the female sex in general, and shows +reverence and chivalry towards herself in particular! + +This I feel is probably the truth--! + +I did not expect to hear anything of Alathea on the Monday, she was not +due until Tuesday at eleven o'clock, but when I came in from my sunset +on the terrace, I found two telegrams, all the first one said was-- + + "Extremely sorry will be unable to come to-morrow, brother + seriously ill. + A. Sharp--." + +And no address! + +So I could not send sympathy, or even offer any help--I could have sworn +aloud! The storm had wrecked its vengeance on someone, then, and the +poor little chap had probably taken cold. + +If I could only be of some use to them--Perhaps getting the best Doctor +is out of their reach. I was full of turmoil while I tore open the other +blue paper--this was from Suzette--. + +"I come this evening at eight." + +It was nearly seven o'clock now, so I could not put her off--and I am +not sure that I wanted to--Suzette is a human being and kindly, and her +heart is warm. + +When Burton was dressing me I told him of Miss Sharp's telegram. + +"The poor young lady!" he said--. + +Burton always speaks of her as the "young lady"--he never makes a +mistake about class. + +Suzette for him is "Mam'zell"--and he speaks of her as a mother might +about her boy's noisy, tiresome rackety school friends--necessary evils +to be put up with for the boy's sake--The fluffies he announces always +by their full titles--"Madame la Comtesse"--etc., etc., with a face of +stone. Nina and the one or two other Englishwomen he is politely +respectful to, but to Miss Sharp he is absolutely reverential--she might +be a Queen! + +"I expect the poor little fellow got wet through yesterday," I +hazarded--. + +"He's that delicate," Burton remarked. + +So Burton knows something more about the family than I do after all--! + +"How did you know he was delicate, Burton, or even that Miss Sharp had a +brother?" + +"I don't exactly know, Sir Nicholas--it's come out from one time to +another--the young lady don't talk." + +"How did you guess, then?" + +"I've seen her anxious when I've brought in her tray--sometimes, and +once I ventured to say to her--'I beg pardon Miss, but can I do anything +for you,' and she took off her glasses sudden like--and thanked me, and +said it was her little brother she was worrying about--and you may +believe me or not as you like, Sir Nicholas, but her eyes were full of +tears." + +I wonder if Burton guessed the deep emotion he was causing me--My little +darling! with her beautiful blue eyes full of tears, and I impotent to +comfort or help her--! + +"Yes--yes?" I said--. + +"She told me then that he'd been delicate since birth, and she feared +the winter in Paris for him--I do believe Sir, it's that she works so +hard for, to get him away south." + +"Burton--what the devil can we do about it?" + +"I don't very well know, Sir Nicholas--Many's the time I've badly wanted +to offer her the peaches and grapes and other things, to take back to +him--but of course I know my place better than to insult a lady--tisn't +like as if she were of another class you see Sir--she'd have grabbed 'em +then, but bein' as she is, she'd have been bound to refuse them, and it +might have tempted her for him and made things awkward." + +Burton not only knows the world but has tact--! + +He went on, now once started. + +"I saw her outside a wine shop once when I got off the tram at +Auteuil--She was looking at the bottles of port--and I made so as to +pass, and her not see me, but she turned and said friendly +like--'Burton, do you suppose this shop would keep really good port--?' +I said as how I would go in and see, and she came with me--They had some +fairly decent--though too young, Sir Nicholas, and it was thirty-five +francs the bottle--I saw she had not an idea it would be as much as +that--her face fell--Do you know, Sir, I could see she hadn't that much +with her,--it was the day before she's paid you see--her colour came and +went--then she said--'I wonder Burton if you could oblige me with paying +the ten extra francs until to-morrow--I must have the best!'--You may +believe me, Sir Nicholas, I got out my purse quick enough--and then she +thanked me so sweet like--'The Doctor has ordered it for my mother, +Burton,' she said--'and of course she couldn't drink any but the best!'" + +"Who on earth can she be, Burton? It does worry me--can't you possibly +find out? I would so like to help them." + +"I feel that, Sir--but here's the way I figure it--When gentry lives in +foreign towns and don't seem anxious for you to know their address it +don't seem right like to pry into it." + +"Burton, you dear old brick!--well supposing we don't try to pry, but +just try how we can possibly help her--You could certainly be +sympathetic about the brother since she has spoken to you--and surely +something can be done--? I saw her at the Duchesse's you know--do you +suppose she knows her--?" + +"I do, Sir Nicholas--I never meant to speak of it, but one day Her Grace +came to see you and you were out and she caught sight of Miss Sharp +through the half open door--and she jumped like a cat, Her Grace did, +'Halthee'--she cried out--or some name like that,--and Miss Sharp +started up and went down the stairs with her--She seemed to be kind of +explaining, and I am not sure that Her Grace was too pleased--." + +(Burton thinks all Duchesses should be called "Grace" whether they are +French or English.) + +"Then we should certainly be able to find out from the Duchesse--." + +"Well, I would not be so sure of that Sir Nicholas--You see the Duchesse +is a very kind lady, but she is a lady of the world, and she may have +her reasons." + +"Then what do you suggest, Burton?" + +"Why, I hardly know--perhaps to wait and see, Sir Nicholas." + +"Masterly inactivity!" + +"It might be that I could do a bit of finding out if I felt sure no harm +could come of it." + +I was not quite certain what Burton meant by this--What possible harm +could come of it? + +"Find out all you can and let me know--." + + * * * * * + +Suzette opened the door and came in just as I finished dressing--Burton +left the room.--She was pouting. + +"So the book is not completed, Nicholas?--and the English Mees comes +three times a week--_hein_?" + +"Yes--does that upset you?" + +"I should say!" + +"May I not have a secretary?--You will be objecting to my Aunt coming to +stay with me, or my dining with my friends--next!" + +I was angry--. + +"No--_mon ami_--not that--they are not for me--those--but a secretary--a +'Mees'--_tiens_?--for why do you want us two?" + +"You _two_! good Lord! Do you think, Suzette--_Mon Dieu!_"--I now became +very angry. "My secretary is here to type my book--. Let us understand +one another quite--You have overstepped the mark this time, Suzette, and +there must be an end. Name whatever sum you want me to settle on you and +then I don't ever wish to see you again." + +She burst into frantic weeping. She had meant nothing--she was +jealous--she loved me--even going to the sea could do nothing for her! I +was her _adoré_--her sun, moon and stars--of what matter a leg or an +eye--! I was her life--her _Amant_!! + +"Nonsense, Suzette!--you have told me often it was only because I was +very rich--now be sensible--these things have to have an end some day. I +shall be going back to England soon, so just let me make you comfortable +and happy and let us part friends--." + +She still stormed and raged--'There was someone else--it was the +"Mees"--I had been different ever since she had come to the flat--She, +Suzette, would be revenged--she would kill her--!' + +Then I flew into a rage, and dominated her, and when I had her +thoroughly frightened I appealed to the best in her--and when she was +sobbing quietly Burton came in to say that dinner was ready--his face +was eloquent! + +"Don't let the waiters see you like that," I said. + +Suzette rushed to the glass and looked at herself, and then began +opening her gold chain bag to get out her powder and lip grease--I went +on into the salon and left her--. + +What an irony everything is--! When I was yearning for tenderness and +love--, even Suzette's, I was unable to touch her, and now because I am +quite indifferent, both she and Nina, in their separate ways, have begun +to find me attractive. So there is nothing in it really, it is only as +to whether or no you arouse the hunting instinct! + +Suzette wore an air of deep pathos during our repast--. She had put some +blue round her eyes to heighten the effect of the red of the real tears, +and she appeared very pretty and gentle--It had not the slightest effect +upon me--I found myself looking on like a third person. The mole with +its three black hairs seemed to be the only salient point about her. + +Poor little Suzette!--How glad I felt that I had never even pretended a +scrap of love for her! + +That astonishing sense of the fitness of things which so many of these +women possess, showed itself as the evening wore on--. Finding the +situation hopeless, Suzette accepted it, curbed the real emotion in +herself and played the game--She tried to amuse me--and then we +discussed plans for her future. A villa at Monte Carlo she decided at +last--A _bijou_ of a place! which she knew of--. And when we parted at +about eleven o'clock everything was arranged satisfactorily. Then she +said good-bye to me--She would go back to Paris by the last train--. + +"Good-bye, Suzette!"--and I bent down and kissed her forehead--"You have +been the jolliest little pal possible--and remember that I have +appreciated it,--and you will always have a real friend in me!" + +She burst into tears once more--real tears--. + +"_Je t'aime bien!_" she whispered--"I shall go to Deauville--_Va!_" + +We wrung hands, and she went to the door, but there she turned, and some +of her old fire came back to her--. + +"Pah! these English Meeses! thin, stiff, _ennuyeuse_!--thou wilt yet +regret thy Suzette, Nicholas!" and with this she left me. + + * * * * * + +So that episode in my life is ended--and I shall never repeat the +experiment. + +But are not women the most amazing creatures! + +You adore them and give them abject devotion and they treat you as +dirt--nothing can be so cruel as the tenderest hearted woman is to a +male slave--! Another woman appears upon the scene--then the first one +begins to treat you with some respect. You grow masterful--love is +aroused in her. You become indifferent--and very often it is she who +then turns into the slave!--The worst of it is that when you really care +you are incapable of playing a game successfully. The woman's +subconscious mind _knows_ that it is merely pretense--and so she remains +a tyrant.--It is only when she herself has ceased to put forth +sufficient attraction to keep you and you are growing numb that you can +win out and find your self-respect again. + +There was a moment when I was very angry with Suzette and almost shaking +her, when I saw in her eyes the first look of real passionate +affection--! + +Are there any women in the world who could be mates?--who would be able +to love one, and hold one at the same time--satisfying one's mind and +one's spirit and one's body--?--Could Alathea--?--I do not know. + +I had got this far in my speculations when a note was brought to me by a +smart French maid--it was now past eleven at night--. + +It was from Coralie--. + +"I am here, _cher Ami_--I am rather in a difficulty--Can I come to your +sitting-room?" + +I scribbled "of course"--and in a moment she came--seductive and +distressful. Duquesnois had been recalled to the front suddenly--her +husband would be back on the morrow--. Might she stay and have some St. +Galmier water with me--could we ring the bell and order it, so that the +waiter might see her there?--because if the husband asked anything--he +could be sure it was only the much wounded Englishman, and he would not +mind--!! + +I was sympathetic!--the St. Galmier came. + +Coralie did not seem in a hurry to drink it, she sat by the fire and +talked, and looked at me with her rather small expressive eyes--and +suddenly I realized that it was not to save any situation that even a +complacent and much-tried war-husband might object to, but just to talk +to me alone--!! + +She put forth every charm she possessed for half an hour--I led her +on--watching each move with interest and playing right cards in return. +Coralie is very well born and never could be vulgar or blatant, so it +was all entertaining for me. This is the first time she has had the +chance of being quite alone. We fenced--I showed enough _empressement_ +not to discourage her too soon----and then I allowed myself to be +natural, which was being completely indifferent--and it worked its usual +charm! + +Coralie grew restless--she got up from the sofa she stood by the +fire--she came at last quite close up to my chair--. + +"What is there about you, Nicholas," she cooed, "which makes one forget +that you are wounded--. When I saw you even in the _parc_--with that +_demoiselle_ I felt--that--"--She looked down with a sigh--. + +"How hard upon Duquesnois, Coralie! a good-looking, whole man!" + +"I have tired of him, _Mon ami_--he loves me too much--the affair has +become tame--." + +"And I am wild, is that it?" + +"A savage--yes--One feels that you would break one's bones if you were +angry--and would mock most of the time,--but if you loved. _Mon +Dieu!_--it would be worth while!" + +"You have had immense experience of love Coralie, haven't you?" + +She shrugged her shoulders--. + +"I am not sure that it has been love--." + +"Neither am I." + +"They say that you have given millions to the little _demi-mondaine_ +Suzette la Blonde----and that you are crazy about her, Nicholas--Did I +see her on the stairs just now?"-- + +I frowned--. She saw in a moment it was not the right line--. "For that! +it is nothing, Nicholas--they are very attractive, those ladies--one +understands--but--your book and your secretary?--_hein?_--" + +I lit a cigarette with supreme calm, and did not answer, so that she was +obliged to go on--. + +"Her face is pretty in spite of those glasses, Nicholas--and one saw +that she walked well as she went on." + +"May not a secretary have a decent appearance then?" + +"When they have they do not remain secretaries long." + +"You had better ask Miss Sharp if she means to stay when next you chance +upon her then--I don't exchange much conversation with her myself." + +There is no exact English word which would describe Coralie's face--She +was longing to believe me--but felt she could not--quite--! She knew it +was foolish to bait me, and yet the female in her was too strong for +any common sense to win--Her personality had to express herself just as +strongly about her jealousy of my secretary, as mine had to express +itself about not telling Maurice, Alathea's name,--in both cases we cut +off our noses to spite our faces. I was aware of my folly, I do not know +if Coralie was aware of hers. Her exasperation so increased in a few +moments that she could not control herself--and she spoke right out--. + +"When we have all been so kind to you, Nicholas, it is too bad for you +to waste your time upon that--!" + +I became stern, then, as I had earlier become with Suzette, and made +Coralie understand that I would have no interference from anyone. I +frightened her--and presently she left me more attracted than she has +ever been--. As I said before, women are amazing creatures. + + + + +XII + + +On Wednesday morning I received a reply from Maurice at Deauville--he +hastened to answer he said--He had heard of Miss Sharp through a man in +the American Red Cross, where Miss Sharp had been employed. He knew +nothing more about her, he had seen her once when he was interviewing +her, and Miss whatever the other woman's name was, he had forgotten +now--and he had thought her suitable and plain and capable, that is all. + +I had tried to word my letter not to give the impression of peculiar +interest, but no doubt Coralie, who had returned to the band on Monday, +had given him her view of the case, for he added that these people were +often designing although they looked simple--and in my loneliness he +felt sure I would be happier and better at the sea with my friends--! + +I would have been angry, only there was something humorous in the way +everyone seems to think I am incapable of managing my own affairs!--What +is it they all want of me--? Not that I should be happy in my own way, +but that I should contribute to their happiness--they want to +participate in what my money is able to procure--and they do not want +interference from outside. Every one of my friends--and relations--would +be hostile if I were to announce that I was in love with Miss Sharp, and +wanted to marry her--Even though it was proved to them that she was +pretty--a perfect lady--intelligent--virtuous--clever! She is not of +their set and might, and probably would, be a stumbling block in their +path when they wished to make use of me!--so she would be taboo! None of +them would put it in that way of course, their opposition would be (and +they might even think they were sincere) because they were thinking of +_my_ happiness! + +Burton is the only person whose sympathy I could count upon! + +How about the Duchesse?--that is the deepest mystery of all--I must find +out from Burton what was the date about when she came to my +_appartement_ and found Alathea. Was it before that time when she asked +me if I were in love--and I saw that dear little figure in the +passage?--Could she have been thinking of her--? + +By Thursday when there was no further news I began to feel so restless +that I determined to go back to Paris the following week. It was all +very well to be out in the _parc_ at Versailles with a mind at ease, but +it feels too far away when I am so troubled. + +I sent Burton in on Friday to Auteuil--. + +"Just walk about near the wine shop, Burton, and try to find out by +every clue your not unintelligent old pate can invent, where Miss Sharp +lives, and what is happening? Then go to the Hotel de Courville and chat +with the concierge--or whatever you think best--I simply can't stand +hearing nothing!" + +Burton pulled in his lips. + +"Very good, Sir Nicholas." + +I tried to correct my book in the afternoon. I really am trying to do +the things I feel she thinks would improve my character--But I am one +gnawing ache for news--Underneath is the fear that some complication may +occur which will prevent her returning to me. I find myself listening to +every footstep in the passage in case it might be a telegram, so of +course quite a number of messages and things were bound to come from +utterly uninteresting sources, to fill me with hope and then disappoint +me--It is always like that. I really was wild on Friday afternoon, and +if George Harcourt had not turned up--he is at the Trianon Palace now +with the Supreme War Council--I don't know what I should have done with +myself. Lots of those fellows would come and dine with me if I wanted +them--some are even old pals--but I am out of tune with my kind. + +George was very amusing. + +"My dear boy," he said, "Violetta is upsetting all my calculations--she +has refused everything I have offered her--But I fear she is beginning +to show me too much devotion!" + +This seemed a great calamity to him. + +"It is terribly dangerous that, Nicholas!--because you know, my dear +boy, when a woman shows absolute devotion, a man is irresistibly +impelled to offer her a back seat--it is when she appeals to his senses, +shows him caprice, and remains an insecure possession, that he will +offer her the place his mother held of highest honour." + +"George, you impossible cynic!" + +"Not at all--I am merely a student of human instincts and +characteristics--Half a cynic is a poor creature--A complete one has +almost reached the mercy and tolerance of Christ." + +This was quite a new view of the subject--! + +He went on--. + +"You see, when men philosophize about women, they are generally unjust, +taking the subject from the standpoint that whatever frailties they +have, the male is at all events exempt from them. Now that is +nonsense--Neither sex is exempt--and neither sex as a rule will +contemplate or admit its failings.--For instance, the sense of abstract +truth in the noblest woman never prevents her lying _for_ her lover or +her child, yet she thinks herself quite honest--In the noblest man the +sense is so strong that it enables him to make only the one exception, +that of invariably lying _to_ the woman!" + +I laughed--he puffed one of my pre-war cigars--. + +"Women have no natural sense of truth--they only rise to it through +sublime effort,"-- + +"And men?" + +"It is ingrained in them, they only sink from it to cover their natural +instincts of infidelity." + +His voice was contemplative now--. + +"How we lie to the little darlings, Nicholas! How we tell them we have +no time to write--when of course we have always time if we really want +to--we never are at a loss for the moments before the creatures are a +secure possession!" + +"The whole thing gets back to the hunting instinct, my dear George--I +can't see that one can be blamed for it--." + +"I am not blaming, I am merely analysing. Have you remarked that when a +man feels perfectly secure about the woman he will give his hours of +duty to his country, his hours of leisure to his friends who flatter +him, and the crumbs snatched from either to the poor lady of his heart! +But if she excites his senses, and remains problematic, he will skimp +his duty, neglect his friends, and snatch even hours from sleep to spend +them in her company!" + +"You don't think then that there is something higher and beyond all this +in love, George?--something which you and I have never come across +perhaps?" + +"If one met a woman who was all man in mind, all woman in body, and all +child in soul--it is possible--but where are these phoenixes to be +discovered, my son?--It is wiser not to dissatisfy oneself by thinking +of them--but just go on accepting that which is always accorded to the +very rich!--By the way, I saw Suzette la Blonde dining last night with +old Solly Jesse--_Monsieur le Comte Jessé!_--She had a new string of +pearls on and was stroking his fat hand, while her lips curled with +love--I thought--??" + +I lay back in my chair and laughed and laughed--And I had imagined that +Suzette really felt for me, and would grieve for at least a week or +two--but I am replaced in four days--! + +I do not think I even felt bitter--all those things seem so far away +now. + +When George had gone, I said to myself--"All man in mind"--yes I am sure +she is--"All woman in body"--Certainly that--"All child in soul"--I want +to know about her soul--if we have souls, as Nina says--by the way, I +will send a messenger into the Ritz with a note to ask Nina to spend the +day with me to-morrow. We have got accustomed to the impossible +difficulty of telephoning to Paris, and waiting hours for telegrams--a +messenger is the quickest in the end. + +How the war drags on--! Will it really finish this year after +all--people are very depressed these last days--I do not write of any of +this in my journal--others will chronicle every shade--When I let myself +think of it I grow too wild. I become feverish with longing to be up and +with the old regiment--When I read of their deeds--then I grow +rebellious. + + * * * * * + +_Monday:_ + +No news--yet--It is unbearable--Burton returned from Auteuil with no +clue whatsoever--except that the _concierge_ at the Hotel de Courville +had never heard of the name of Sharp! That proves to me that "Sharp" is +not Alathea's name at all. He was a newcomer--and there were so many +young ladies who came and went to see Madame la Duchesse that he could +not identify anyone in particular by description. + +Nina turned up early on Saturday in time for lunch--She was looking +ravishing in entirely new clothes--like Suzette, she has found that the +"_geste_" is altering--Germans may be attacking Paris--Friends and +relations may be dying in heaps, but women must have new clothes and +fashion must have her say as to their shapes--And what a mercy it is so! +If there was nothing to relieve war and seriousness--all the nations +would be raving lunatics by now. + +"Jim will be crazy about you, Nina, when he sees you in that hat!" + +"Yes, won't he! I put it on to make you crazy now!" + +"Of course I always am!" + +"No, Nicholas--you were once--but you are altered, some quite new +influence has come into your life--you don't say half such horrid +things." + +We lunched in the restaurant. Some of the Supreme War Council were about +at the different tables, and we exchanged a few words--Nina preferred it +to my sitting-room. + +"Englishmen do look attractive in uniform, Nicholas, don't they," she +said--. "I wonder if I had seen Jim in ordinary things if I would have +been so drawn to him?" + +"Who knows? Do you remember how sensible you were about him and +Rochester!--it is splendid that it has turned out so well." + +" ... Where is happiness, Nicholas?" and her eyes became dreamy,--"I +have a well balanced nature, and am grateful for what has been given me +in Jim, but I can't pretend that I have found perfect content--because +some part of me is always hungry--. I believe really that you were the +only person who could have fulfilled all I wanted in a man!" + +"Nina, you had not the least feeling for me when you first saw me after +I was wounded, do you remember you felt like a sister--a mother--and a +family friend!" + +"Yes, was not that odd!--because of course the things which used to +attract me in you and which could again now, were there all the time." + +"At that moment you were so occupied with 'Jim's blue eyes,' and his +'white nice teeth,' and 'how his hair was brushed,' and 'how well his +uniform fitted'--to say nothing of his D.S.O. and his M.C. that you +could not appreciate anything else." + +"You have a V.C., your teeth are divine, and you too have blue eyes, +Nicholas--." + +"Eye--please,--the singular or plural in this case makes all the +difference, but I shall have my new one in fairly soon now and then +illusion will help me!" + +Nina sighed--. + +"Illusion! I am just not going to think of what perhaps might have +happened if I had not been surrounded with illusion, last February--." + +"Well, you can always have the satisfaction of knowing that as your +interest in Jim diminishes, so his will increase--George Harcourt and I +thrashed it all out the other day--and you yourself admitted it, when we +dined. To keep the hunting instinct alive is the thing--You will have +the fondest lover when you go back to Queen Street, Nina!" + +"I--suppose so--. But would it not be wonderful if one had not to play +any game, but could just love and be so satisfied with each other that +there would not be any fear--." + +Nina's eyes were sad--Did she remember my words at our last meeting? + +"Yes that would be heaven!" + +"Is that what you are dreaming about, Nicholas?" + +"Perhaps." + +"What a fortunate woman she will be!--And of yourself, what shall you +give her?" + +"I shall give her passion--and tenderness, and protection, and +devotion--she shall share the thoughts of my mind and the aspirations of +my soul--." + +"Nicholas!--you talking in this romantic way--she must be a miracle!" + +"No--she is just a little girl." + +"And it is she who has made you think about souls?" + +"I expect so--." + +"Well, I must not think of them, or of anything but what a good time we +shall all have when the war is over, and what nice things I've bought in +Paris--and of how good-looking Jim is--Let us talk of something else!" + +So we spoke of every-day matters--and then we went into the _parc_--and +Nina stayed by my bath chair and amused me. But she does not know +anything about Versailles or its history--and she cannot make +psychological deductions--and all the time I was understanding with one +part of me that her hat was awfully becoming, and everything about her +perfect; and with another part I was seeing that her brain is +limited--and that if I had married her I should have been bored to +death! + +And when the evening came and she left me, after our long day, I felt a +sense of relief--Oh! there can be no one in the world like my +Alathea--with her little red hands, and cheap cotton garments! I realize +now that life used to be made up of the physical--and that +something,--perhaps suffering, has taught me that the mental and the +spiritual matter more. + +Even if she does come back--how am I to break through the wall of ice +which she has surrounded herself with since the Suzette cheque +business?--I can't explain--she won't even know that I have parted with +her. + +Of course she has heard the fluffies often in the next room when they +have come to play bridge in the afternoon. Perhaps she may even have +heard the idiotic things they talk about--yes--of course she must have +an awful impression of me--. + +The contrast of her life and theirs--and mine! I shall go on with my +Plato--it bores me--it is difficult, and I am tired--but _I will_!. + + + + +XIII + + +Suspense is the hardest thing to bear--what a ridiculous truism! It has +been said a thousand times before and will be said a thousand times +again!--because it has come to everyone at some moment, and so its pain +is universally understood. To have attained serenity would mean that one +was strong enough not to allow suspense to cause one a moment's doubt or +distress. I am far from serenity, I fear--for I am filled with unrest--I +try to tell myself that Alathea Sharp does not matter in my life at +all--that this is the end--that I am not to be influenced by her +movements or her thoughts, or her comings and goings--I try not to think +of her even as "Alathea"--And then when I have succeeded in some measure +in all this, a hideous feeling of sinking comes over me--that physical +sensation of a lead weight below the heart. What on earth is the good of +living an ugly maimed life? + +It was ten times easier to carry on under the most disgusting and +fearsome circumstances when I was fighting, than it is now when +everything is done for my comfort, and I have all that money can buy. + +What money cannot buy is of the only real consequence though. I must +read Henley again, and try to feel the thrill of pride I used to feel +when I was a boy at the line "I am the master of my fate, I am the +captain of my soul." + +----What if she does not come back, and I do not hear any more of her? + +Stop! Nicholas Thormonde, this is contemptible weakness! + + * * * * * + +This evening it was wonderful on the terrace, the sun set in a blaze of +crimson and purple and gold, every window in the _Galerie des Glasses_ +seemed to be on fire--strange ghosts of by-gone courtiers appeared to be +flitting past the mirrors. + +What do they think of the turmoil they have left behind them, I wonder? +Each generation torn by the same anguish which the worries of love +bring?--And what is love for?--Just to surround the re-creative instinct +with glamour and render it æsthetic? + +Did cave men love?--They were exempt from pain of the mind at all +events. Civilization has augmented the mental anguishes, and pleasures +of love, and when civilization is in excess it certainly distorts and +perverts the whole passion. + +But what is love anyway? the thing itself I mean. It is a want, and an +ache and a craving--I know what I want. I want firstly Alathea for my +own, with everything which that term implies of possession. Then I want +to share her thoughts, and I want to feel all the great aspirations of +her soul--I want her companionship--I want her sympathy--I want her +understanding. + +When I was in love with Nina--and five or six others--I never thought of +any of these things--I just wanted their bodies: Therefore it is only +when the spiritual enters into the damned thing, I suppose, that one +could call it love. By that reasoning I have loved only Alathea in all +my life. But I am stumped with this thought--If she had one eye and no +leg below the knee--should I be in love with her? and feel all these +exalted emotions about her? I cannot honestly be certain how I would +answer that question yet, so this shows that the physical plays the +chief rôle even in a love that seems spiritual. + +Matho--in Flaubert's Salammbô was beaten to a jelly but his eyes still +flamed with love for his princess--But when she saw him as this +revolting mass, did her love flame for him? Or was she exalted only by +the incense to her vanity--and a pity for his sufferings? Heloise and +Abelard were pretty wonderful in their love, but his love became +transmuted much sooner than hers, because all physical emotions were +gone from him. Plato's idea that man gravitates towards beauty for some +subconscious soul desire to re-create himself through perfection, and so +attain immortality, is probably the truth. And that is why we shrink +from mutilated bodies--. Until I can be quite sure that I should love +Alathea just the same were she disfigured as I am--I cannot in justice +expect her to return my passion--. + +Nina became re-attracted (if I can coin that word)--because I was out of +reach. The predatory instinct in woman had received a rebuff, and +demanded renewed advance.--She still keeps a picture in some part of +her mental vision of what I was too, therefore, I am not so revolting +to her--but Alathea has not this advantage, and has seen me only +wounded. + +I have done nothing to earn her respect--She has apprehended my useless +life in these last months--She has heard the chattering of my +companions, whom I have been free to choose--the obvious deduction being +that these are what I desire--And finally, she knows that I have had a +mistress.--In heaven's name _why_ should she be anything but what she is +in her manner to me!--Of course she despises me. So that the only thing +I could possibly allure her by would be that intangible something which +Nina and Suzette and even Coralie--have inferred that I +possess--"It"!!--. And how would that translate itself to a mind like +Alathea's?--It might mean nothing to her--It probably would not. The +only times I have ever seen any feeling at all in her for me were when +she thought she had destroyed a wounded man's interest in a harmless +hobby--and felt remorse--And the freezing reserve which showed when she +handed me the cheque-book--and the perturbation and contempt when I was +rude about the child.--At other times she has shown a blank +indifference--or a momentary consciousness that there was admiration in +my eye for her. + +Now what do I get out of the iciness over Suzette's cheque? + +Two possibilities--. + +One--that she is more prudish than one of her literary cultivation, and +worldly knowledge is likely to be, so that she strongly disapproves of +a man having a "_petite amie_"--or-- + +Two--that she has sensed that I love her and was affronted at the +discovery that at the same time I had a--friend?-- + +The second possibility gives me hope, and so I fear to entertain a +belief in it--but taken coldly it seems the most likely.--Now if she had +_not_ been affronted at this stage, would she have gone on believing I +loved her, and so eventually have shown some reciprocity? + +It is just possible--. + +And as it is, will that same instinct which is in the subconscious mind +of all women--and men too for the matter of that--which makes them want +to fight to retain or retake what was theirs, influence her now +unconsciously to feel some, even contemptuous, interest in me? This also +is possible--. + +If only fate brings her to me again--. That is where one is done--when +absence cuts threads. + +To-morrow it will be Monday--a whole week since I received her telegram. + +I shall go up to Paris in the morning if I hear nothing and go myself to +the Hotel de Courville to try and obtain a trace of her--if that is +impossible I will write to the Duchesse.-- + + * * * * * + +_Reservoirs--Night:_ + +As I wrote the last words--a note was brought to me by Burton--someone +had left at the Hotel. + + "Dear Sir Nicholas--(it ran) + + I am very sorry I have been unable to come out to + do my work--but my brother died last Tuesday, and + I have been extremely occupied--I will be at Versailles + at eleven on Thursday as usual. + + Yours truly, + A. Sharp." + + * * * * * + +Her firm writing, more like a man's than a woman's looked a little shaky +at the end--Was she crying perhaps when she wrote the letter--the poor +little girl--What will the death mean to her eventually? Will the +necessity to work be lessened? + +But even the gravity of the news did not prevent a feeling of joy and +relief in me--I would see her again--Only four days to wait! + +But what a strange note!--not any exhibition of feeling! she would not +share even that natural emotion of grief with me. Her work is business, +and a well bred person ought not to mix anything personal into it.--How +will she be--? Colder than ever? or will it have softened her--. + +She will probably be more unbending to Burton than to me. + +The weather has changed suddenly, the wind is sighing, and I know that +the summer is over--I shall have the sitting-room fire lighted and +everything as comfortable as I can when she does turn up, and I shall +have to stay here until then since I cannot communicate with her in any +way. This ridiculous obscurity as to her address must be cleared away. +I must try to ask her casually, so as not to offend her. + + * * * * * + +A week has passed--. + +Alathea came on Thursday--I was sickeningly nervous on Thursday morning. +I resented it extremely. As yet the only advance I have made is that I +can control most of the outward demonstrations of my perturbations, but +not the sensations themselves. I was sitting in my chair quite still +when the door opened, and in she came--Just the scrap of a creature in +dead black. Although there was no crepe, one could see that the garments +were French trappings of woe, that is, she had a veil hanging from her +simple small hat. I felt that she had had to buy these things for the +funeral, and probably could not afford a second set of more dowdy ones +for her working clothes, so that there was that indescribable air of +elegance about her appearance which had shown in the _Bois_ that Sunday. +The black was supremely becoming to her transparent white skin, and +seemed to set off the bright bronze brown of her hair--the rebellious +little curls had slipped out beside her ears, but the yellow horn +spectacles were as uncompromising as ever--I could not see whether her +eyes were sad or no--her mouth was firm as usual. + +"I want to tell you of my sympathy," I said immediately--"I was so sorry +not to know your address that I might have expressed it to you before--I +would have wished to send you some flowers." + +"Thank you," was all she answered--but her voice trembled a little. + +"It was so stupid of me not to have asked you for your address +before--you must have thought it was so careless and unsympathetic." + +"Oh! no"--. + +"Won't you give it to me now that I may know in the future?" + +"We are going to move--It would be useless--it is not decided where we +go yet." + +I knew I dared not insist. + +"Is there some place where I could be certain of a message reaching you +then? because I would have asked you to come to the flat to-day and not +out here if I could have found you." + +She was silent for a moment. I could see she was in a corner--I felt an +awful brute but I had said it all quite naturally as any employer would +who was quite unaware that there could be any reluctance to give the +information, and I felt it was better to continue in this strain not to +render her suspicious. + +After a second or two she gave the number of a stationer's shop in the +Avenue Mosart--. + +"I pass there every day," she said. + +I thanked her--. + +"I hope you did not hurry back to your work--I can't bear to think that +perhaps you would have wished to remain at home now." + +"No, it does not matter"--There was an infinite weariness in her +tone--A hopeless flatness I had never heard before, it moved me so that +I blurted out--. + +"Oh! I have felt so anxious, and so sorry--I saw you in the _Bois_ two +Sundays ago in the thunder storm, and I tried to get near the path I +thought you would cross to offer you the carriage to return in, but I +missed you--Perhaps your little brother caught cold then?" + +There was a sob in her voice--. + +"Yes--will you--would you mind if we just did not speak of anything but +began work." + +"Forgive me--I only want you to know that I'm so awfully sorry--and Oh, +if there was anything in the world I could do for you--would you not let +me?" + +"I appreciate your wish--it is kind of you--but there is nothing--You +were going to begin the last chapter over again--Here is the old one--I +will take off my hat while you look at it," and she handed it to me. + +Of course I could not say anything more--I had had a big bunch of +violets put on the table where she types, in Burton's room +adjoining--they were the first forced ones which could be got in +Paris--and I had slipped a card by them with just "my sympathy" on it. + +When she came back into the room hatless, her cheeks were bright pink +below the glasses--and all she said was "Thank you" and then I saw a +little streak of wet trickle from under the horn rims. I have never had +such a temptation in my life--to stretch out my arms and cry "Darling +one, let me comfort you, here clasped close to me!"--I longed to touch +her--to express somehow that I felt profoundly for her grief.-- + +"Miss Sharp--" I did burst out--"I am not saying anything because I know +you don't want me to--but it is not because I do not +feel--I'm--I'm--awfully sorry--May not I perhaps send some roses +to--your home--or, perhaps there is someone there who would like +them--flowers are such jolly things!"--Then I felt the awfully ill +chosen word "jolly" was--but I could not alter it. + +I believe that _gaucherie_ on my part helped though a little, her fine +senses understood it was because I was so nervously anxious to offer +comfort--a much kinder note came into her voice--. + +"I'll take the violets with me if you will let me," she said--"Please +don't trouble about anything more--and do let us begin work." + +So we started upon the Chapter. + +Her hands were not so red I noticed. I am becoming sensitive to what is +called "atmosphere" I suppose, for I felt all the currents in the room +were disturbed--that ambience of serenity did not surround Alathea and +keep me unconsciously in awe of her as it always has before--I was aware +that my natural emotions were running riot and that my one eye was +gazing at her with love in it, and that my imagination was conjuring up +scenes of delight with her as a companion. Her want of complete control +allowed the waves to reach her, I expect--for I knew that she was using +all her will to keep her attention upon the work, and that she was +nearly as disturbed as I was myself--. + +But how was she disturbed?--was she just nervous from events--or was I +causing her any personal trouble? The moment I felt that perhaps I was, +a feeling of assurance and triumph came over me--! Then I used every bit +of the cunning I possess--I tried to say subtle things--I made her talk +about the ridiculous book, and the utterly unimportant furniture--I made +her express her opinion about styles, and got out of her that a simple +Queen Anne was what she herself preferred.--I _knew_ that she was giving +way and talking with less stiffness because she was weak with sorrow, +and probably had not had much sleep--I _knew_ that it was not because +she had forgotten about the Suzette cheque or really was more friendly. +I _knew_ that I was taking an unfair advantage of her--but I +continued--Men are really brutes after all!--and gloried in my power +every time the slightest indication showed that I possessed it! I lost +some of my diffidence--If I could only have stood upon two feet and seen +with two eyes--I know that even the morning would have ended by my +taking her in my arms, cost what might; but as I was glued to my chair +she was enabled always at this stage to stay out of reach--and fenced +gallantly with me by silence and stiff answers--but by luncheon time +there was a distinct gain on my side--I had made her feel something, I +no longer was a nonentity who did not count--. + +Her skin is so transparent that the colour fluctuates with every +emotion. I love to watch it. What a mercy that I had very strong +sight!--for my one eye sees quite clearly. + +At luncheon we talked of the time of the Fronde--Alathea is so +wonderfully well read. I make dashes into all sorts of subjects, and +find she knows more of them than I do myself--What a mind she must have +to have acquired all this in her short twenty-three years. + +"You are not thinking of leaving Paris, I hope when you move," I said as +we drank coffee. "I am going to begin another book directly this one is +finished." + +"It is not yet decided," she answered abruptly. + +"I could not write without you." + +Silence. + +"I would love to think that you took an interest in teaching me how to +be an author--." + +The faintest shrug of the shoulders--. + +"You don't take any interest?" + +"No." + +"Are not you very unkind?"-- + +"No--If you have anything to complain of in my work I will listen +attentively and try and alter it." + +"You will never allow the slightest friendship?" + +"No." + +"Why?" + +"Why should I?" + +"I must be grateful even that you ask a question, I suppose--Well, I +don't know quite myself why you should--You think I am a rotter--You +despise my character--you think my life is wasted and that--er--I have +undesirable friends." + +Silence. + +"Miss Sharp! you drive me crazy never answering--I can't think why you +like to be so provoking!" I was stung to exasperation. + +"Sir Nicholas," and she put down her cup with displeasure--"If you will +not keep to the subject of work--I am sorry but I cannot stay as your +secretary." + +Terror seized me--. + +"I shall have to if you insist upon it--I suppose--but I am longing to +be friends with you--and I can't think why you should resent it so--We +are both English, we are both--unhappy--we are both lonely--." + +Silence!-- + +"Somehow I don't feel it is altogether because I am a revolting object +to look at that you are so unkind--you must have seen lots like me since +the war--." + +"I am not unkind--I think you are--May I go to my work now?" + +We rose from the table--And for a second she was so near to me the pent +up desire of weeks mastered me and the tantalization of the morning +overcame me so that a frantic temptation seized me--I _could not_ resist +it--I put out one arm while I steadied myself with the other by the back +of a chair, and I drew her tiny body towards me, and pressed my lips to +her Cupid's bow of a mouth--And Oh God the pleasure of it--right or +wrong! + +She went dead white when I released her, she trembled, and in her turn +held on to the back of the chair--. + +"How dare you!" she panted--"How dare you!--I will go this minute--You +are not a gentleman." + +The reaction came to me--. + +"That is it, I suppose--" I said hoarsely--"I am not a gentleman +underneath--the civilization is mere veneer--and the _man_ breaks +through it--I have nothing to say--I was mad, that is all. You will have +to weigh up as to whether it is worth your while to stay with me or not. +I cannot judge of that. I can only assure you that I will try not to err +again--perhaps some day you will know how you have been making me suffer +lately--I shall go to my room now, and you can let me have your decision +in an hour or so--." + +I could not move because my crutch had fallen to the floor out of my +reach--She stood in indecision for a moment and then she bent and picked +it up and gave it to me. She was still as white as a ghost. As I got to +the door I turned and said--. + +"I apologize for having lost my self-control--I am ashamed of that--and +do not ask you to forgive me--Your staying or not is a business +arrangement. I give you my word I will try never to be so weak again." + +She was gazing at me--For once I had taken the wind out of her sails--. + +Then I bowed and hobbled on into my bedroom, shutting the door after me. + +Here my courage deserted me. I got to the bed with difficulty and threw +myself down upon it and lay there, too filled with emotion to stir. The +thought tormenting me always. Have I burnt my boats--or is this only the +beginning of a new stage? + +Time will tell. + + + + +XIV + + +I lay and wondered and wondered what were Alathea's emotions after I +left her. Should I ever know? When the hour was up I went back into the +sitting-room. I had struggled against the awful depression which was +overcoming me. I suppose every man has committed some action he is sorry +and ashamed of, forced thereto by some emotion, either of anger or +desire, which has been too strong for his will to control--. This is the +way murders must often have been committed, and other crimes--I had not +the slightest intention of behaving like a cad--or of doing anything +which I knew would probably part us forever.--If my insult had been +deliberate or planned, I would have held her longer, and knowing I was +going to lose her by my action, I would have profited by it. As I lay on +my bed in great pain from the wrench in getting there alone--I tried to +analyse things. The nervous excitement in which she always plunges me +must have come to the culminating point. The only thing I was glad about +was that I had not attempted to ask forgiveness, or to palliate my +conduct. If I had done so she would undoubtedly have walked straight out +of the hotel--but having just had the sense to leave her to think for a +while--perhaps--? + +Well--I was sitting in my chair--feeling some kind of numb +anguish--which I suppose those going to be hanged experience, when +Burton brought in my tea--and I heard no sound of clicking next door--I +asked him as naturally as I could if Miss Sharp had gone--. + +"Yes, Sir Nicholas," he answered, and the shock, even though it was +expected, was so great that for a second I closed my eye. + +She had left a note, he further added,--putting the envelope down on the +table beside the tray--. + +I made myself light a cigarette and not open it, and I made myself say +casually-- + +"I am afraid she feels her brother's death dreadfully, Burton!" + +"The poor young lady, Sir Nicholas!--She must have kept up brave like +all the time this morning, and then after lunch when I come in--while +you were resting, Sir--it got too much for her, I expect, sittin' +alone--for she was sobbin' like to break her heart--as I opened the +door. She looked that forlorn and huddled up--give you my word, Sir +Nicholas--I was near blubberin' myself." + +"I am so awfully sorry--What did you do, Burton?" + +"I said, '--Let me bring you a nice cup of tea, Miss.'--It is always +best to bring ladies tea when they are upset, Sir Nicholas, as you may +know--She thanked me sweet like, as she always does--and I made so bold +as to say how sorry I was, and I did hope she had not had any extra +trouble to deal with over it; and how I'd be so glad to advance her her +next week's salary if it would be any convenience to her--knowing +funerals and doctors is expensive--Out of my own money of course I gave +her to understand--because I knew she'd be bound to refuse yours, Sir +Nicholas. + +"--At that her tears burst out afresh--She had no glasses on, and she +looked no more than sixteen years old, give you my word Sir--She thanked +me like as if it was something real kind I'd thought of--I felt sort of +ashamed I could not do more-- + +"Then she seemed to be having a struggle with herself--just as if she'd +rather die than take anything from anybody--and yet knew she had to--She +turned them, blue eyes on me streamin' with tears, and I had to turn +away, Sir Nicholas--I had really.-- + +"'Burton,' she says--. 'Have you ever felt that you wanted to be dead +and done with it all--that you couldn't fight any more?' + +--"'I can't say as I have, Miss,' I answered her--'but I know my master +feels that way often--' Perhaps she felt kinder, sorry for you too, Sir +Nicholas, because as I said that, she gave a sort of extra sharp sob and +buried her face in her hands--. + +"I slipped out of the room then and brought the tea as quick as I could +you may believe me Sir--and by that time she had pulled herself +together--'It is stupid to have any proud feelings--if you have to work +Burton' she said--'I will be--grateful for the loan of your money--and I +am happy to have such a friend' ... and she put out her little bit of a +hand--She did, Sir Nicholas--and I never felt so proud in my life--She's +just a real lady to her finger tips. She is, Sir--I shook it as gentle +as I could, and then was obliged to blow my nose, I felt that +blubberish--I left the room at once, and when I come back for the tray, +and to bring the money she had her hat on, and the note written for you +Sir--I took the violets and began putting them in the box for her to +take--but she stopped me--. + +"'Violets fade so soon--I will not take them, thanks,' she said--'I have +to do some shopping before I go home and I could not carry them.' But I +knew it was not that.--She did not want to take them--perhaps she felt +she'd given up enough of her pride to take my money--for one day--So I +said nothing,--but that I did hope she would be feeling better by the +time she came to the _appartement_ on Saturday. She did not speak, she +just nodded her head and smiled kind like at me and went." + +I could not answer Burton--I too just nodded my head--and the dear old +boy left me alone--My very heart seemed bursting with pain and +remorse--When he had gone--I seized the letter and opened it. + + * * * * * + + "To Sir Nicholas Thormonde, Bart, V.C.," (it began, and then) + + "Dear Sir: + + Circumstances force me to work--so I shall have to remain in your + service--if you require me. I am unfortunately quite defenceless, so I + appeal to whatever chivalry there is in you not to make it so impossible + that I must again give in my resignation. + + Yours faithfully, + A. Sharp." + + * * * * * + +I fell back in my chair in an agony of emotion--My darling! My +queen!--whose very footprints I worship--to have had to write such a +letter--to me! + +The unspeakable brute beast I felt! All my cynical calculations about +women fell from me--I saw myself as I had been all day--utterly +selfish--not really feeling for her grief, only making capital out of it +for my own benefit--. At that moment, and for the rest of the day and +night, I suffered every shade of self reproach and abasement a man can +feel. And next day I had to stay in bed because I had done some stupid +thing to my leg in lying down without help. + +When I knew I could not get into Paris by Saturday when Alathea was to +come to the flat--I sent Burton in with a note to the shop in the Avenue +Mosart. + + "Dear Miss Sharp--(I wrote) + + "I am deeply grateful for your magnanimity. I am utterly ashamed of my + weakness--and you will not have called upon my chivalry in vain, I + promise you.--I have to stay in bed, so I cannot be at the flat, and if + you receive this in time I shall be obliged if you will come out here + again on Saturday. + + Yours very truly, + Nicholas Thormonde." + +Then I never slept all night with thoughts of longing and wondering if +she would get it soon enough to come. + +Over and over in my vision I saw the picture of her sitting there in +Burton's room sobbing--My action was the last straw--My shameful +action!--Burton showed the good taste and the sympathy and understanding +for her which I should have done--. And to think that she is troubled +about money, so that she had to take a loan from my dear old +servitor--far greater gentleman than I am--. And that I cannot be the +least use to her--and may not help her in any way! I can go on no longer +in this anguish--as soon as I feel that peace is in the smallest measure +restored between us--I will ask her to marry me, just so that I can give +her everything. I shall tell her that I expect nothing from her--only +the right to help her family and give her prosperity and peace--. + + * * * * * + +_Sunday:_ + +I was still in bed on Saturday morning at eleven--the Doctor came out to +see me very early and insisted that I be kept quite still until +Monday--So Burton had my bed table brought, and all my papers and +things--There had come a number of letters to answer, and he had asked +me if Miss Sharp could not do them as soon as she arrived. + +"Burton, perhaps she'll feel not quite at ease with me alone in here +like this. Could you not make some excuse to be tidying drawers and +stay while I am dictating," I said. + +"Very good, Sir Nicholas." + +When he replies with those words I know that he is agreeing--with +reservations--. + +"Out with what you are thinking, Burton." + +"Well, Sir Nicholas"--and he coughed--"Miss Sharp--is that understandin' +sh'd know in a minute your things wasn't likely to be in a mess, and +that you'd got me there on purpose--It might make her awkward like--." + +"You may be right, we will see how things turn out." + +Presently I heard Alathea in the sitting-room and Burton went in to see +her. + +"Sir Nicholas is very poorly to-day, Miss"--I heard him say--"The Doctor +won't let him out of bed--I wonder if you'd be so kind as to take down +his letters--they are too much for him himself not being able to sit +up--and I have not the time." + +"Of course I will, Burton," her soft voice answered. + +"I've put the table and everything ready--and I thank you kindly--" +Burton went on--"I am glad to see you looking better, Miss." + +I listened intently--It seemed as if I could hear her taking off her +hat--and then she came into the room to me--but by that time my heart +was beating so that I could not speak loud. + +I said "good morning" in some half voice, and she answered the +same--then she came forward to the table. Her dear little face was very +pale and there was something pathetic in the droop of her lips--her +hands, I noticed, were again not so red--. + +"All the letters are there"--and I pointed to the pile--"It will be so +good of you if you will do them now." + +She took each one up and handed it to me without speaking and I dictated +the answer.--I had had one from Suzette that morning thanking me for the +villa--but I was clearly under the impression that I had put it with the +one from Maurice and one from Daisy Ryven at the other side of the bed, +so I had no anxiety about it--Then suddenly I saw Alathea's cheeks flame +crimson and her mouth shut with a snap--and I realized that the irony of +fate had fallen upon me again, and that she had picked up Suzette's +lavender tinted, highly scented missive. She handed it to me without a +word--. + +The letter ended: + + "_Adieu Nicholas! tu es, + Toujours Mon Adoré + Ta Suzette._" + +but the way it was folded only showed "_Toujours Mon Adoré--Ta +Suzette_"--and this much Alathea had certainly seen--. + +I felt as if there was some evil imp laughing in the room--There was +nothing to be said or done. I could not curse aloud--so I simply took +the letter, put it with Daisy Ryven's--and indicated that I was waiting +for the next one to be handed to me--So Alathea continued her work.--But +could anything be more maddening--more damnably provoking!--and +inopportune--Why must the shadow of Suzette fall upon me all the time?-- + +This of course will make any renewal of even the coldest friendliness +impossible, between my little girl and me--. I cannot ask her to marry +me now, and perhaps not for a long time, if ever the chance comes to me +again, in any case. Her attitude, carriage of head, and expression of +mouth, showed contempt, as she finished the short-hand notes. And then +she rose and went into the other room to type, closing the door after +her. + +And I lay there shivering with rage and chagrin. + +I saw no more of Alathea that morning--She had her lunch in the +sitting-room alone, and Burton brought the dishes in to me, and after +luncheon he insisted that I should sleep for an hour until half-past two +o'clock. He had some accounts for Miss Sharp to do, he said. + +I was so exhausted that when I did fall asleep I slept until nearly +four--and awoke with a start and an agony of apprehension that she might +have gone--but no--Burton said she was still there when I rang for +him--and I asked her to come in again--. + +We went over one of the earlier chapters in the book and I made some +alterations in it; she never showed the slightest interest, nor did she +speak--; she merely took down what I told her to--. + +"Do you think that will do now?" I asked when it was complete. + +"Yes." + +Tea came in then for us both.--She poured it out, still without uttering +a word--she remembered my taste of no sugar or milk, and put the cup +near me so that I could reach it. She handed me the plate of those nasty +make-believe biscuits, which is all we can get now--then she drank her +own tea. + +The atmosphere had grown so tense it was supremely uncomfortable. I felt +that I must break the ice. + +"How I wish there was a piano here," I remarked _à propos_ of +nothing--and of course she greeted this, with her usual silence. + +"I am feeling so rotten if I could hear some music it would make me +better." + +She made the faintest movement with her head, to show me I suppose that +she was listening respectfully, but saw no occasion to reply. + +I felt so unspeakably wretched and helpless and useless lying there, I +had not the pluck to go on trying to talk, so I closed my eye and lay +still, and then I heard Alathea rise and softly go towards the door--. + +"I will type this at home--and return it to the flat on Tuesday if that +will be all right," she said--and: I answered: + +"Thank you" and turned my face to the wall--And after a little, when she +had gone, Burton came in and gave me the medicine the Doctor had told +him to give me, he said--but I have a strong suspicion it was simply +asperine, for then I fell into a dreamy sleep and forgot my aching body +and my troubled mind. + +And now I am much better in health again--and am back in Paris and +to-night Maurice, up from Deauville at last, is coming to dine with me. + +But what is the good of it all? + + + + +XV + + +I was awfully glad to see old Maurice again--he was looking brown and +less dilettante--though his socks and tie and eyes matched as well as +ever! He congratulated me on the improvement in health in myself too, +and then he gave me all the news--. + +Odette has been "painting the lily," and used some new skin tightener +which has disfigured her for the moment, and she has retired to the +family place near Bordeaux to weep until her complexion is restored +again--. + +"Very unfortunate for her," Maurice said--"because she had nearly +secured a roving English peer who had enjoyed 'cushy' jobs during the +war, and had been recruiting from the fatigues of red-taping at +Deauville--and now, with this whisper of a spoiled skin, he had +transferred his attentions to Coralie--and there was trouble among the +graces!"--Alice's plaintiveness had actually caught a very rich neutral +who was forwarding philanthropic schemes for great ladies--and she hoped +soon to wed. + +Coralie seemed in the most secure and happy case, since she is already +established, and can enjoy herself without anxiety.--Maurice hinted that +but for her _béguin_ for me, she could land the English peer, and +divorce poor René--her docile war husband--and become an English +Countess! + +"Thou hast upset everything, Nicholas. Duquesnois is desolated--Coralie +changed directly she saw you here--he says--and then to divert herself +and forget you, took Lord Brockelbank from Odette!" + +"_Vieux coquin! Va!_" and Maurice patted me on the back--. + +They were enchanted with my presents to them lately, he added, and were +all longing to return to Paris soon and thank me. + +The war was simply growing into a nuisance and the quicker it was over +the better for everyone.(!) + +Then he beat about the bush for a little longer and at last began to +grow nearer the vital subject!-- + +He had seen some of my Mont Aubin relations--fortunately for me, they +have been far from Paris in this last year--and they had anxiously asked +him if I thought of marrying?--What in fact _was_ I doing with myself +now that my wounds were healing? + +I laughed--. + +"I am so glad my mother was an only child and they are none of them near +enough to have the right to bore me--they had better continue their good +works at Biarritz--I am told my cousin Marguerite's convalescent home is +a marvel! I have sent her frequent donations." + +Then Maurice plunged in--. + +"You are not--becoming entangled in any way with your secretary, are you +_Mon ami_?" he asked. + +I had decided beforehand that I would not get angry at anything he +said--so I was ready for this. + +"No, Maurice--" and I poured out a second glass of port for him--Burton +had left us alone by now--. "Miss Sharp does not know that I exist--she +is simply here to do her work, and is the best secretary any man could +want--I knew Coralie would infect you with some silly idea." + +Maurice sipped his port.--"Coralie said that in spite of the girl's +glasses there was some air of distinction about her--as she walked +on--and that she _knew_ and _felt_ you were interested." + +I remained undisturbed. + +"I am, immensely interested--I want to know who she really is. She is a +lady--even a lady of our world.--I mean she knows about things in +England--where she has never been--that she could not possibly know +unless her family had spoken of them always. She has that unconscious +air of familiarity and ease with subjects which would surprise you. +Can't you find anything out for me, old boy, as to who she is?" + +"I will certainly try--Sharp?--it is not a name of the great +world--no--?" + +"Of course that is not her real name--" + +"Why not ask her yourself, _Mon brave_!" + +"I'd like to find a man with pluck enough to ask her anything she did +not wish him to!" + +"That little girl!--but she appeared meek and plain, and respectable, +Nicholas--You intrigue me!" + +"Well, put your wits to work Maurice, and promise me you will not talk +to the others about anything. I shall be very angry if you do." + +He gave me every assurance he would be silent as the grave--and then he +changed the topic to that of Suzette--He was sorry I had given her her +congé, because I would find it hard to replace her--Those so honest and +really not too rapacious, were very difficult to find--Since he had +heard that Suzette was no longer my little friend, he had been looking +out for me, but as yet had seen nothing suitable!! + +"You need not trouble, Maurice," I told him, "I am absolutely finished +with that part of my life--I loathe the whole idea of it now--." + +Maurice inspected me with grave concern--. + +"My dear chap--this appears serious--You are not _in love_ with your +secretary are you?--or is it possible that you are bluffing, and that +she has replaced Suzette, and you wish tranquility about the subject?" + +I felt a hot flush mounting to my forehead--The very thought of my +adored little girl in the category of Suzette!--I could have struck my +old friend--but I had just sense enough to reason things. Maurice was +only speaking as any of the Paris world would speak. A secretary, whom a +man was obviously interested in, was certainly not out of the running +for the post of "_Maitresse-en-titre!_" + +He meant no personal disrespect to Alathea. For him women were either of +the world or they were not!--True, there was an intermediate class "_Les +braves gens_"--_Bourgeoises_--servants, typists, etc., etc.--But one +could only be interested in one of these for one reason. That is how +things appeared to Maurice. I knew his views; perhaps I had shared them +in some measure in my unregenerate days. + +"Look here Maurice--I want you to understand--that Miss Sharp is a lady +in every way--I have already told you this but you don't seem to have +grasped it--and that she has my greatest respect--and it makes me sick +to think of anyone talking of her as you have just done. Although I know +you did not mean anything low, you old owl!--She treats me as though I +were a tiresome, elderly employer--whom she must give obedience to, but +is not obliged to converse with. She would not permit the slightest +friendship or familiarity from any man she worked for." + +"Your interest is then serious, Nicholas?" + +Maurice was absolutely aghast! + +"My _respect_ is serious--my curiosity is hot--and I want +information."---- + +Maurice tried to feel relieved--. + +"Supposing financial disaster fell upon your family, old boy--would you +consider your sister less of a lady because she had to earn bread for +you all by being a typist!" + +"Of course not--but it would be very dreadful!--Marie!--Oh! I could not +think of it!" + +"Then try to get the idea into your thick head that Miss Sharp is +Marie--and behave accordingly--That is how I look at her." + +Maurice promised that he would, and our talk turned to the Duchesse--he +had seen her at a cross country station as he came up, and she would be +back in Paris the following week--This thought gave me comfort. Everyone +would be back by the fifteenth of October he assured me, and then we +could all amuse ourselves again--. + +"You will be quite well enough to dine out, Nicholas--Or if not you must +move to the Ritz with me, so that you at least have entertainment on the +spot, _Mon cher_!" + +We spoke then of the book--Furniture was a really refined and +interesting subject for me to be delving into. Maurice longed to read +the proofs, he averred. + +When he had left me, I lay back in my chair and asked myself what had +happened to me?--that Maurice and all that lot seemed such miles and +miles away from me--as miles and miles as they would have seemed in +their triviality, when we used to discuss important questions in "Pop" +at Eton. + +How I must have sunk in the years which followed those dear old days, +ever even to have found divertisement among the people like Maurice and +the fluffies. Surely even a one-eyed and one-legged man ought to be able +to do something for his country politically, it suddenly seemed to +me--and what a glorious picture to gaze at!--If I could some day go into +Parliament, and have Alathea beside me, to give me inspiration and help +me to the best in myself. How her poise would tell in English political +society! How her brain and her power of exercising her critical +faculties! Apart from the fact that I love every inch of her wisp of a +body--What an asset that mind would be to any man!--And I dreamed and +dreamed in the firelight--things all filled with sentiment and +exaltation, which of course no fellow could ever say aloud, or let +anyone know of--A journal is certainly an immense comfort, and I do not +believe I could have gone through this hideous year of my life without +it. + +How I would love to have Alathea for my wife--and have children--It +can't be possible that I have written that! I loathe children in the +abstract--they bore me to death--Even Solonge de Clerté's two +entertaining angels--but to have a son--with Alathea's eyes----God! how +the thought makes me feel!--How I would like to sit and talk with her of +how we should bring him up--I reached out my hand and picked up a volume +of Charles Lamb and read "Dream Children"--and as I finished I felt that +idiotic choky sensation which I have only begun to know since something +in me has been awakened by Alathea--or since my nerves have been on the +rack--I don't remember ever feeling much touched, or weak, or silly, +before the war--. + +And now what have I to face--? + +A will, stronger, or as strong as my own--A prejudice of the deepest +which I cannot explain away--A knowledge that I have no power to retain +the thing I love--No guerdon to hold out to her mentally or +physically--Nothing but the material thing of money--which because of +her great unselfishness and desire to benefit her loved ones, she might +be forced to consider. My only possibility of obtaining her at all is to +buy her with money. And when once bought,--when I had her here in my +house,--would I have the strength to resist the temptation to take +advantage of the situation?--Could I go on day after day never touching +her,--never having any joys?--until the greatness of my love somehow +melted her dislike and contempt of me--? + +I wish to God I knew. + +She will never marry me unless I give my word of honour that the thing +will only be an empty ceremony--of that I feel sure even if +circumstances aid me to force her into doing this much. And then one has +to keep one's word of honour. And might not that be a greater hell than +I am now in of suffering? + +Perhaps I had better go to the sea--like Suzette--and try to break the +whole chain and forget her--. + +I rang the bell for Burton then, and told him of my new plan, as he put +me to bed. We would go off to St. Malo,--for a week, and I gave orders +that he should make the necessary arrangements to get permits. To travel +anywhere now is no end of a difficulty. + +I wrote to Alathea without weakening--I asked her to collect the Mss. +and make notes of what she thought still should be altered--during my +absence--I wrote as stiffly, and in as business like a manner as +possible--and finally I went to sleep, and slept better than I have done +for some time. + + * * * * * + +_St. Malo:_ + +How quaint these places are! I am at this deserted corner by the +sea--where the hotel is comfortable, and hardly touched by the war--I am +not happy--the air is doing me good, that is all--I have brought +books--I am not trying to write--I just read and endeavor to sleep--and +the hours pass. I tell myself continually that I am no more interested +in Alathea--that I am going to get well, and go back to England--that I +have emerged, and am a man with a free will once more--and I am a great +deal better--. + +After all, how absurd to be thinking of a woman, from morning to night! + +When I get my new leg, and everything is all healed, up in a year or +two, shall I be able to ride again?--Of course I shall, no doubt, and +even play a little tennis?--I can shoot anyway--if we will be allowed to +preserve partridges and pheasants when the war is over in England. + +Yes, of course life is a gorgeous thing--I like the fierce wind to blow +in my face--and yesterday, much to Burton's displeasure, I went out +sailing--. + +How could I be such a fool, he inferred--as to chance a wrench putting +me back some months again--But one has to chance things occasionally. I +never enjoyed a sail more because of this very knowledge. + + * * * * * + +A week has passed since we came to this end of the earth--and again I +have grown restless--perhaps it is because Burton came in just now with +a letter in his hand--. I recognized immediately Alathea's writing. + +"I made so bold as to leave the young lady our address before we left, +Sir Nicholas, in case she wanted to communicate with us, and she writes +now to say, would I be good enough to ask you if you took with you +Chapter Seven, because she cannot find it anywhere." + +Then he went on with evident constraint to tell me that the rest of the +letter said that while she was working on Friday a "Mademoiselle la +Blonde" called, and insisted upon passing Pierre who answered the +door--and coming in to her--("It was Mam'zelle of course, Sir Nicholas!" +Burton snapped!) And that she had demanded my address--but Miss Sharp +had not felt she was justified in giving it to her--but had said letters +would be forwarded--. + +"I hope to goodness that the baggage made no scene with the young lady, +Sir Nicholas," Burton growled--"Of course she don't say in the +letter--but it's more than likely--I would not have her insulted for the +world." + +"Nor I either," I retorted angrily--"Suzette ought to know better now +that I have given her everything she wanted--Will you let her understand +please that this must not occur again--." + +"I'll see that the lawyer does it, Sir--that is the only way to deal +with them persons--though Mam'zelle was the best of her sort. Seems to +me Sir Nicholas, they are more bother than they are worth. I said it +always, even when I was younger--They leave their trail of trouble where +ever they go." + +How I agreed with him! + +So here was a fresh barrier arisen between Alathea and myself!--a fresh +barrier which I cannot explain away. The only comfort I get out of the +whole thing is that imperative necessity must have been driving my +little darling--or she would not put up with any of these things for a +moment, and would have given her _demission_ at the same time as she +wrote. + +If money is so necessary to her--perhaps after all I could get her +consent to marry me--The very thought made my pulses bound again--and +all my calm flew to the winds! All the sage reasoning which was +beginning to have an effect upon me evaporated!--I knew that once more I +was as utterly under the spell of her attraction, as the moment when my +passionate lips touched her soft reluctant ones--Ah! that thought! that +memory--One I have never let myself indulge in--but now, all resistance +broken on every side,--I spent the rest of the day dreaming about the +joy of that kiss--until by night time I was as mad as a hatter, and more +full of cruel unrest than ever--. + +I hate this place--I hate the sea--It is all of no use--I shall go back +to Paris. + + + + +XVI + + +The first thing I learned when I reached the _appartement_ was that the +Duchesse had returned, and wished to see me. This was good news--and +without even telephoning to Maurice, I got into my one horse Victoria +and repaired to the Hotel de Courville--. + +The Duchesse was sitting in her boudoir upstairs when I got in.--She had +a quaint expression upon her face. I was not certain that her greeting +was as cordial as usual--Has gossip reached her ears also? + +I sat down near her and she took my crutch from me tenderly, her +instinct for "_blessés_" never failing her. + +I thought I would begin at once before she could say anything which +might make questioning her impossible. + +"I have been longing to see you, Duchesse, to ask you if you could help +me to find out who my secretary, Miss Sharp, is?--because I saw her here +in the passage one day, and I thought you might possibly be able to +identify her--." + +"_Tiens?_" + +"Her christian name is 'Alathea'--I heard her little sister call her +that once when I saw them and they did not see me, in the _Bois_--She is +a lady--and I feel Sharp is not her name at all." + +The Duchesse put on her eyeglasses--. + +"She has not shown a sign that she wishes you to know her history?" + +"No--" + +"Then, my son, do you think it is very good taste to endeavor to +discover it?" + +"Perhaps not--" I was nettled--I hated that the Duchesse should be +displeased with me, then I went on--"I fear that she is very poor and I +know that her little brother died just lately, and I would give anything +in the world to help them in some way." + +"Sometimes one helps more by showing discretion." + +"You won't assist me then, Duchesse? I _feel_ that you know Miss Sharp." + +She frowned--. + +"Nicholas--if I did not love you really, I should be angry.--Am I the +character to betray friends--presuming that I have friends--for a young +man's curiosity?" + +"Indeed it is not curiosity--it is because I want to help--." + +"Camouflage!" + +I felt angry now. + +"You assume that your secretary is a _demoiselle du monde_"--she went +on--"if you have reached that far--you should know that there is some +honor, some _tenue_ left in old families,--and so you should treat her +with consideration, and respect her incognito.--All this is not like +you, my son!" + +The Duchesse had dropped the "thee and thou"--it hurt me. + +"I want to treat her with every respect--" I reiterated. + +"Then believe me it is unnecessary for you to know her name--I am not +altogether pleased with you, Nicholas." + +"Dear Duchesse! that grieves me--I wish I could explain--I have only +wanted to be kind--and I don't even know her address and could not send +flowers when her brother died." + +"They did not want flowers, perhaps--Take my advice--of the best I can +give--Pay your secretary her wages--as high ones as she will accept--and +then treat her as if she were fifty years old--and wore glasses!" + +"She does wear glasses--abominable yellow horn rimmed spectacles!" I +announced excitedly.--"Have you never seen them?" + +The Duchesse's eyes flashed--. + +"I have not said I ever met Miss Sharp, Nicholas--" + +I knew the affair was now hopeless--and that I would only risk the real +displeasure of my dear old friend if I continued in this way. So I +subsided.--I had some instinct too that I would not receive sympathy +even if I owned that my intentions were strictly honourable. + +"I will say no more--except that should you know these people _cherè +Duchesse_--and you ever discover that I could help them in any way--that +you will call upon me to any extent." + +[Illustration: The fiery vixen Suzette (Renee Adoree) is enraged to +learn of Sir Nicholas' (Lew Cody) attentions to other women, and leaves +in a flurry. (A scene from Elinor Glyn's production "Man and Maid" for +Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer)] + +She looked at me very searchingly and said laconically. + +"_Bien._" + +Then we talked of other things, and I tried to reingratiate myself--The +war was going better--Foch would wish to push his advantage. Things must +have some end--in the near future.--When was I going to England?--All +these subjects we discussed. + +"When I am out of the hands of these doctors and have my new leg and +eye--I will return, and then, I want to go into Parliament." + +The Duchesse warmed up at once.--That was just the thing for me to +do--that and to marry some nice girl of my own world, of which there +must be an embarrassment of choice--with all the men killed in my +country! + +"I would want such an exceptional woman, Duchesse!" + +"Do not look for the moon, my son--Be thankful if she has been +sufficiently well brought up to have a decent conduct--the manners of +the young girls now revolt me.--I try to go with the times----but these +new fashions are disgusting." + +"Do you think a woman ought to be perfectly innocent and ignorant of +life to make the marriage happy--" I asked. + +"The insides of the minds of young girls one is never sure of, but the +_tenue_ should be correct at all costs, so that they may have something +to uphold them as well as religion--which is no longer so surrounding +as it used to be." + +"Duchesse, I want someone who would love me passionately, and whom I +could passionately love." + +"For that, my poor boy--" and she sighed--"it is not found among young +girls--these things come after one knows, and can discriminate--put them +aside from your thoughts--they are temptations which one resists if one +can, and at all events makes no scandals about.--Love! _Mon Dieu_, it is +the song of the poets, it cannot happen in the world--with +satisfaction--It must be a pain always--Do your duty to your race, and +your class--and try not to mix up sentiment with it!" + +"There is no hope of my finding someone I could really love, then?" + +"I do not know--in your own country it may be--here it is the wife of +someone else who holds the charm--and if it were not for _tenue_ society +could not exist. + +"All that one must ask of the young is that they act with discretion, so +that they can reach the autumn of life without scandals against their +names--If the _Bon Dieu_ adds love--then they have been indeed +fortunate." + +"But Duchesse--with your great heart--have you never loved--?" + +Her eyes seemed to grow beautiful and young again--they diffused a +fire--. + +"Loved--Nicholas--! All women love once in their lives--happy for them +if it has not burnt their souls in its passage--Happy if the _Bon Dieu_ +has let it merge into love for humanity--" And soft tears dimmed the +dark blue brilliancy. + +I leaned forward and kissed her hand with deep devotion--then the +ancient servitor came in and she was called to a ward--but I left +feeling that if there is really some barrier of family between Alathea +and me--there would be no use in my appealing to the Duchesse--Sorrows +she understands--and war and suffering--and self-sacrifice--Love she +understands and passion--and all that appertains thereto--but all these +things go to the wall before the conception of the meaning of _noblesse +oblige_ which ruled when Adelaide de Mont Orgeuil--wedded the Duc de +Courville-Hautevine, in the eighties! The only thing left now was to +telephone to Maurice--. + +He came in for a few minutes just before dinner--. + +He has questioned Alwood Chester of the American Red Cross, who had told +him that Miss Sharp had been Miss Sharp always while she worked for +them, and that no one knew anything further about her. + +Well!--if her father is a convict, and her mother--in a mad house, and +her sister consumptive--I still want her for herself--. + +Is that true--Could I face disease and insanity coming into my family--? + +I don't know--All I know is that I do not believe whatever curse hangs +over the rest it has touched her--She is the picture of health and +balance and truth--Her every action is noble--and I love her--I love +her--there! + +Next day she came in at ten as usual--She brought all the chapters +annotated--. As her attitude towards me had been as cold as it was +possible for an attitude to be, I cannot say that there was any added +shade of contempt since her interview with Suzette--What had passed +between them perhaps Burton will be able gradually to discover--. + +I controlled myself, and behaved with a businesslike reserve--She had +nothing to snub me for, or to disturb her--She took the papers at twelve +o'clock--and I sighed as she left the room--I had watched her furtively +for nearly two hours--Her face was a mask--And she might indeed really +have been concentrating upon the work in hand. Her hands are whitening +considerably--. I believe their redness had something to do with her +little brother, perhaps she put very hot things on his chest.--I have +never seen such a white skin--it shows like mother of pearl against the +cheap black frock--The line of the throat is like my fascinating Nymph +with the shell--indeed the mouth is not unlike her's also. I wonder if +she has dimp--but I had better not think of those things--! + +I am now determined to ask her to marry me on the first occasion I can +screw up my courage sufficiently. I have decided what I am going to say. +I am going to be quite matter of fact--I shan't tell her that I love her +even--I feel if I can secure her first I shall have a better chance +afterwards. If she thought I loved her, her nature is of that honest +kind that she might think it was dishonorable to make so uneven a +bargain with me--but if she just thinks I want her for my secretary and +to play to me--and even perhaps that there is some brute part which she +despises mixed up in my feeling for her--and which I would promise to +keep in check--she may feel that it is fair for her to take my name, and +my money, and give me nothing in return. + +After lunch, which we did not have together, George Harcourt came in, +and diverted me until four o'clock. + +After we had discussed the war news for a long time he began as usual +about Violetta--. + +She was perfection!--She had fulfilled all he had ever asked of a +woman--but--or rather in consequence of this--she had begun to bore him, +while a new vixen with no heart and the brain of a rabbit--now drew him +strangely! + +"And what are you going to do about it, my dear George?" + +"Deceive her of course, Nicholas. It is a painful necessity that my kind +heart forces me to perpetrate." + +He was smoking contemplatively. + +I laughed--. + +"You see, dear boy--one can't be brutal with the little darlings, so +that is the only course open to one, for their limited reasoning power +does not enable them to grasp that it is not one's fault at all when one +ceases to care--the trouble lies with their own weakening +attraction.--So one has to go on bluffing until they themselves weary, +or find out inadvertently that one's affection has been transferred!" + +"Don't you think there are some to whom you could tell the truth?" + +"I have not met any--if they do exist." + +"If I were a woman it would insult me far more for a man to think I was +so stupid that he could deceive me, than if he said frankly he no longer +cared." + +"Probably--but then women don't reason in that way--you might prove by +every law of logic that it was because they themselves had disillusioned +you, and that you had no control over the coming or going of your +emotion--but at the end of your peroration they would still reproach you +for being a fickle brute, and believe themselves blameless, and sinned +against!" + +"It is all very difficult!"--I sighed unconsciously--. + +--"Are you in some mess, my son?" George asked concernedly.--"In your +case with Suzette, money can always smooth things--she has perhaps been +annoying?" + +"I have entirely finished with Suzette--George, how a man pays for all +his follies--Have you, with all your affairs, ever got off scot free?" + +George leaned back in his chair--his well cut face which expresses as a +rule a rather kindly whimsical cynicism grew stern--and his very voice +altered. + +"Nicholas--one has to pay one's shot every time--A man pays in money, or +in jewels or in disgrace, or in regret and remorse--and he has to +calculate beforehand to what extent that which he desires is worth the +price which will become due--It is a brainless idiot who does not +calculate, or who laments when he has to stump up. I admit women are of +supreme interest to me, and their companionship and affection--bought or +otherwise--are necessary to my existence--So I resignedly discharged my +debt every time." + +"How will you pay it then about Violetta whom you say is an angel, and +blameless?" + +"I shall have some disgusting moments of discomfort and remorse--and +feel a moral Bluebeard--I shan't go scot free--." + +"And she--? That won't help her." + +"She will pay in tears for having been weak enough to love me--she will +feel the consolation of martyrdom--and soon forget me." + +"And you don't think one incurs some kind of hoodoo--in indulging in +these things--I am thinking of Suzette--her shadow--almost one would say +projected by fate, is what is causing me trouble now, not any deliberate +action she is committing against me." + +"Part of the price, my boy! You can't steal anything, or do anything +against the law, be it of man or of morals or of the spirit--that you +don't have to pay for it--and there is no use in haggling beforehand or +in squealing after. The thing is to learn early enough in life what is +worth while and what you really want, before you lay up for yourself +limitations." + +"That is true--." + +"Now let us analyse what gains and losses you have had in the Suzette +business. Let us take the gains first--You had a jolly little companion +during some months of pain and weariness--She helped you over a +difficult moment--You were not leading her astray. To be the friend of +war-heroes was her _métier_--you paid her highly in solid cash--You are +under no obligation to her--. But the law has decreed that man must have +no illicit relations, so the force of that current, or belief, or +whatever it is, makes you pay some price for having broken the +law--Accept it and get through with it--And if the price has been too +heavy decide not to incur such debts again. The whole bother occurs +because you don't look ahead, my boy! There was a case when I was a +youngster and just joined my Battalion of Guards which will illustrate +what I mean, of Bobby Bulteel, Hartelford's brother.--He cheated at +cards--He was a kind of cousin of my mother's so the family felt the +scandal awfully--He was kicked out of course, and utterly broke, and +Lady Hilda Marchant ran off with him, and left her husband. She adored +the fellow who had every charm--Well that was not worth while--The odds +are too heavy for anyone ever to have the ghost of a chance to pull +cheating off. He was simply a fool, you see. Take chances, but never +when the scales have gone beyond the angle of forty-five degrees!"--Then +having finished his cigar George rose in the best of tempers--. + +"You may take it from me Nicholas--it sounds old fashioned--but to +behave like a gentleman and always be ready to discharge your +obligations, are the best rules for life.----Ta ta, dear boy--Shall +look in on you soon again--" and he went! + +Of course his logic is unanswerable--So I had better accept the shadow +of Suzette falling upon my relation with Alathea, and try to gain my end +in spite of it--And what is my very end? + +Not of course that I shall spend the rest of my life as Alathea's +husband-in-name-only, hungry and longing and miserable--but that after +securing her certain companionship I shall overcome her prejudices, +conquer her aversion, and make her love me.--But to have the chance to +do all this it is absolutely necessary that I shall be near her +always--So my idea of marriage is not so far-fetched after all! + +And if she will accept me, someday, upon _any terms_--provided they do +not mean separation--I shall believe that half the battle is won--I feel +more cheerful already!--How sound reasoning does one good, even if it is +as baldly brutal as George's! + + + + +XVII + + +Burton gave forth some information this evening, as he was dressing me +for dinner. He had now discovered from Pierre how Suzette had behaved +when she intruded upon Alathea. She had entered the room--"Passing +Pierre without so much as asking his leave, and he with his wooden leg +not so nimble as might be!" She had gone to the writing table and +demanded my address. "An affair of business which must be attended to at +once," she had announced. Pierre standing at the door had heard all +this. Burton added "He said that Mam'zelle was that scented and that got +up, of course Miss Sharp must have known what she was." + +Alathea apparently had answered with dignity, that she had received no +orders to give any address, but that letters would be forwarded. + +"She took no more notice of Mam'zelle than if she was a chair," Pierre +had told him--who, having his own troubles with women, was prepared to +see a conflict! Suzette became nonplussed, and losing her temper a +little told Alathea that she hoped she would get as much out of the +situation as she herself had done! Alathea continued writing as though +she had not heard, and then told her quite politely in French, that if +she would kindly leave whatever letters were to be sent on, she would +see that they went that night, and had added: + +"Now, I need not detain you longer." Suzette became furious, and +stamping, said she was "Mademoiselle la Blonde," and had more right +there than Alathea! + +Pierre had here interfered, and catching hold of Suzette's arm, had +dragged her from the room. + +I tingled with shame and wrath. That the person I respect most in the +world should have been exposed to such a scene--! Burton too was +horrified--. + +I had the most awful sensation of discomfort--the very fact of having to +hear of all this through servants was sufficiently disgusting, without +the events themselves being so degrading. + +What must Alathea think of me! And I cannot even allude to the subject. +How wonderful her dignity has been that she has allowed no extra +contempt to come into her manner. + +How shall I have the pluck to ask her to marry me? I mean to do so +to-morrow when she comes. + + * * * * * + +_Saturday:_ + +I am going to write the events of these last days down without any +comment. + +I came in to the sitting-room after Alathea had arrived. She was writing +at her desk in the little salon. I looked in and asked her if she would +come in and speak to me. Then I got to my chair. She entered obediently +with the block in her hand, ready to begin work. + +"Will you sit down, please," I said, indicating a chair, where she would +face me and the light, so that no shade of her expression should be lost +upon me. (I shall become quite an expert in reading mouths. I am obliged +to study hers so closely!) + +I felt less nervous than I have ever felt when with her. I thought there +was the faintest shade of alertness in her manner. + +"I am going to say something which will surprise you very much, Miss +Sharp," I began. + +She raised her head a little. + +"I will put the case to you quite baldly--I am very rich as you know--I +am still horrid to look at--I am lonely and I want a companion who would +play the piano to me, and who would help me to write books, and who +would travel with me. I cannot have any of these simple things because +of the scandal people would make--so there is only one course open to +me--that is to go through the marriage ceremony--Miss Sharp--under those +terms will you marry me?" + +Her attitude had become tense--her face did not flush, it became very +pale. She remained perfectly silent for a moment. I felt just the same +as I used to do before going over the top--a queer kind of excitement--a +wonder if I'd come through or not. + +As she did not answer I went on. "I would not expect anything from you +except a certain amount of your company. There would not be any question +of living with me as a wife--I would promise even to keep in check that +side which you once saw and which I was so sorry about. I would settle +lots of money on you, and give anything to your family you might wish. I +would not bother you, you would be quite free--only I would like you to +take interest in my work in a way--and to play to me--even if you would +not talk to me." + +My voice broke a little at the end of this; I was conscious of it, and +of how weak it was of me. Her hands clasped together suddenly--and she +appeared as though she was going to speak, then remained silent. + +"Won't you answer me at all?" I pleaded. + +"It is such a strange proposal--I would wish to refuse it at once----" + +"It is quite bald, I know," I interrupted quickly. "I want to buy +you--that is all--you can name the price. I know if you consented it +would merely be for the same reason which makes you work. I presume it +is for your family, not for yourself; therefore, I am counting upon that +to influence you. Whatever you would want for your family I should be +delighted to give you." + +She twisted her locked hands--the first sign of real emotion I have seen +in her. + +"You would marry me--without knowing anything about me? It is very +strange--." + +"Yes. I think you are extremely intelligent--if you would consent to +talk to me sometimes. I want to go into Parliament--when I am patched up +and more decent looking, and I believe you would be of the greatest help +to me." + +"You mean the whole thing simply as a business arrangement?" + +"I have already stated that." + +She started to her feet. + +"The bargain," I went on, "would be quite a fair one. I am offering to +buy a thing which is not for sale--therefore, I am willing to pay +whatever would tempt the owner to part with it. I am not mixing up any +sentiment in the affair. I want the brain of you for my scheme of life, +and the laws of the quaintly civilized society to which we belong, do +not permit me to hire it--I must buy it outright. I put it to you +net--is there any way we can effect this deal?" + +Her lips were quivering--. + +"You would say this, no matter what you might hear of my family?" + +"I am quite unconcerned as to their history. I have observed you, and +you possess all the qualities which I want in the partner who can help +me to live my new life. For me you are just a personality--" (thus I +lied valiantly!) "not a woman." + +"Can I believe you?" she asked a little breathlessly. + +"You are thinking of that day when I kissed you--" her lips told me by +their sudden drawing in, that she was agitated. + +"Well--I expect really that you know men well enough, Miss Sharp, to +know that they have sudden temptations--but that a strong will can +overcome them. I was very much moved about your grief that afternoon, +and the suppressed emotion, and the exasperation you had caused me, +unbalanced me--I am quite unlikely ever to feel again--if you will marry +me, I will give you my word I will never touch you, or expect anything, +of you except what you agree to give in the bargain. You can lead your +own life--and I can lead mine." + +I felt suddenly that these last words were not very wise--for they +aroused in her mind the thought that I should go on having friends like +Suzette. I hastened to add-- + +"You will have my deepest respect, and as my wife shall be treated with +every courtesy and honour." + +She sat down again and raised her hands to her eyes as though to remove +her glasses, and then remembered and dropped them. + +"I see that you would rather not answer to-day, Miss Sharp--you might +prefer to go now and think about it?" + +"Thank you." She turned and walked back into the little salon without a +word more, and when she went I closed my eye exhausted with the great +strain. + +But I did not feel altogether hopeless until Burton came in to tell me +lunch was ready and said that Alathea had gone. + +"The young lady said as how she would not be back she expected, and she +took her own pens and things in her bag. She was as white as a lily, +give you my word, Sir Nicholas." + +I am ashamed to say that I felt a little faint then. Had I overstepped +the mark, and should I never see her again? + +A whole party of the fluffies were coming to dinner, and we were to have +a very gay evening. I ordered my one horse Victoria and went for a drive +in the _Bois_, to calm myself, and the trees with their early autumn +tints seemed to mock at me. I could see too much beauty in them, and it +hurt. Everything hurt! This was certainly the worst afternoon I have had +to bear since I came to on No-Man's Land near Langemarke. But I suppose +at dinner I played the game, for Coralie and the rest congratulated me. + +"Getting quite well, Nicholas! And of a _chic_! _Va!_" + +We played poker afterwards and the stakes were high, and I was the +winner the whole time, until I could see anxiety creep into more than +one eye (pair of eyes! I have got so accustomed to writing of eyes in +the singular that I forget!) We had quantities of champagne and some +exotic musicians Maurice had procured for me, and a nude Hindoo dancer. + +Everyone went more or less mad. + +They left about four in the morning, all rather drunk, if one must write +it. But the more I had drunk the more hideously sober and filled with +anguish I seemed to become, until when I had called the last cheery +good-night and was at last alone in my bed, I felt as if the end had +come, and that death would be the next and only good thing which could +happen to me. + +I have never before had this strange detached sense in such measure as +this night. As of a hungry agonized spirit standing outside its wretched +body, and watching its feeble movements, conscious of their futility, +conscious of being chained to the miserable thing, and only knowing +rebellion and agony. + +Burton gave me a sleeping draught, and I slept far into the next day to +awake more unhappy than ever, obsessed with self-contempt and +degradation. + +In the afternoon, I received a note from Maurice, telling me that he had +inadvertently heard that a fellow in the American Red Cross had seen +Miss Sharp's passport, when she had been sent down to Brest for them, +and the name on it was Alathea Bulteel Sharp, and judging that the +second name sounded as if it might be a well-known English one, he +hastened to tell me, in case it should be a clue. I could not think +where I had heard it before, or with what memory it was connecting in my +brain. I had a feeling it was something to do with George Harcourt. I +puzzled for a while, and then I looked back over the pages of my +journal, and there found what I had written of his conversation--Bobby +Bulteel--Hartelford's brother--cheating at cards--and married to Lady +Hilda Marchant---- + +Of course!--The whole thing became plain to me! This would account for +everything. I hobbled up and got down the peerage. I turned to the +Hartelford title, and noted the brothers--the Hon'bles--John Sinclair, +Charles Henry, and Robert Edgar. This last must be "Bobby" Then I read +the usual things--"Educated at Eton and Christchurch, etc., etc." "Left +the Guards in 1893." "Married in 1894--Lady Hilda Farwell, only daughter +of the Marquess of Braxted (title extinct) and divorced wife of William +Marchant, Esquire." "Issue--" + +"Alathea--born 1894, John Robert born 1905, and Hilda born 1907." + +So the whole tragic story seemed to unfold itself before me. + +Alathea is the child of that great love and sacrifice of her Mother--I +read again the words George had used: "She adored the fellow who had +every charm." All the world might cast him out, but that one faithful +woman gave up home and name and honour, to follow him in his disgrace. +That was love indeed, however misplaced! I looked again at the dates and +made a calculation of the time divorces took then, and I saw that my +little darling girl could only have escaped illegitimacy by perhaps a +few hours! + +What had her life been? I pictured it. They must have hidden diminished +heads in hole and corner places during the dreary years. Such a man as +Bobby Bulteel must have been, as George said, a weakling. The +Hartlefords were poor as church mice, and were not likely to assist a +scapegrace, who had dishonoured them. I remembered hearing that on the +old Lord Braxted's death years ago, Braxted was sold to the +Merrion-Walters, Ironfounders from Leeds. No doubt the old man had cut +his daughter off without the traditional shilling, but even so, some +hundreds a year must have been theirs. What then did the poverty of +Alathea suggest? That some constant drain must be going on all the time. +Could the scapegrace still be a gambler, and that could account for it? +This seemed the most probable explanation. + +Then all over me there rushed a mad worship for my little love. Her +splendid unselfishness, her noble self-sacrifice, her dignity, her +serenity. I could have kissed the ground under her feet. + +I made Burton spend untold time telephoning to the Embassy, and then to +Versailles to Colonel Harcourt--would he not dine with me? He was sorry +he was engaged but he would lunch the next day. Then when the long +evening was in front of me alone--I could hardly bear it. And, driven to +desperation at last, when Burton was undressing me, I said to him: + +"Did you ever know anything of the Hartlefords, Burton--Bulteel is the +family name?" + +"Can't say as I did personally, Sir Nicholas," he answered, "but of +course, when I was a young boy taking my first fourth-footman's place, +before I came to your father, Sir Guy, at Her Grace of Wiltshire's, I +could not help hearing of the scandal about the cheating at cards. The +whole nobility and gentry was put to about it, and nothing else was +talked of at dinner." + +"Try and tell me what you remember of the story." + +So Burton held forth in his own way for a quarter of an hour. There had +been no possible doubt of the crime, it was the week after the Derby, +and Bulteel had lost heavily it was said. He was caught red-handed and +got off abroad that night, and the matter would have been hushed up +probably but for the added sensation of Lady Hilda's elopement with him. +That set society by the ears, and the thing was the thrill of the +season. Mr. Marchant had been "all broken-up" by it, and delayed the +divorce so that as far as Burton could remember, Captain Bulteel could +not marry Lady Hilda for more than a year afterwards. All this coincided +with what I already knew. Lord Braxted too, "took on fearful," and died +of a broken heart it was said, leaving every cent to charity. The entail +had been cut in the generation before and the title became extinct at +his death. + +I did not tell Burton then of my discovery, and lay long hours in the +dark, thinking and thinking. + +What did the Duchesse's attitude mean? In the eyes of the Duchesse de +Courville-Hautevine, _neé_ Adelaide de Mont Orgeuil--to cheat at cards +would be the worst of all the cardinal sins. Such a man as Bobby Bulteel +must be separated from his kind. She knew Lady Hilda probably (the +Duchesse often stayed in England with my mother) and she probably felt a +disapproving pity for the poor lady. The great charity of her mind would +be touched by suffering, if the suffering was apparent, and perhaps she +had some affection for the girl Alathea. But no affection could bridge +the gulf which separated the child of an outcast from her world. The +sins of the father would inevitably be visited upon the children by an +unwritten law, and although she might love Alathea herself, she could +not countenance her union with me. The daughter of a man who had cheated +at cards should go into a convent. I instinctively felt somehow that +this would be her viewpoint. + +Does Alathea know this tragedy about her father? Has she had to live +always under this curse? Oh! The pity of it all. + +Morning found me more restless and miserable than I have ever been, and +it brought no sign of my love! + + + + +XVIII + + +George Harcourt was called suddenly to Rome that morning and so even +hearing him talk further about the Bulteels was denied me for the time. +I passed some days of the cruelest unrest. There was no sign of Alathea. +I allowed Maurice to drag me out into the world and spent my evenings +among my kind. + +A number of my old pals have been killed lately, such an irony when the +war seems to be drawing to a close! There is still an atmosphere of +tension and unrestfulness in the air, though. + +After an awful week George Harcourt came back and dropped in to see me. +I opened fire at once, and asked him to tell me all that he knew of the +Bulteels, especially his old brother officer Bobby. + +"I have a particular reason for asking, George," I said. + +"Very curious your speaking of them, Nicholas, because there has just +been the devil of a fuss in the French Foreign Legion about that +infernal blackguard; it came to my knowledge in my work." + +"Has he been cheating at cards again?" + +George nodded. + +"Tell me from the beginning." + +So he started--many of the bits I already knew. Lady Hilda had been a +great friend of his and he dwelt upon the life of suffering she had +had. + +"There were a few years of frantic love and some sort of happiness, I +expect, and then funds began to give out, and Bobbie's insane desire to +gamble led him into the shadiest society, at Baden-Baden and Nice, and +other warm spots. Poor Hilda used to go about with him then in a shamed, +defiant way, running from any old friend, or staring over his head. I +happened upon them once or twice in my wanderings; then I lost sight of +them for some years, and the next thing was someone told me the poor +woman had broken down and was a nervous wreck, and two children had been +born in quick succession, when the first one was about eleven years old, +and the whole family were in miserable straits. I think relations paid +up that time--with the understanding that never again were they to be +applied to. And since then I have heard nothing until the other day it +came to my ears that the eldest girl--she must be over twenty now, was +supporting the entire family. One of the children died lately, and now +Bobby has put the cap on it. I am sorry for them, but Bobby is +impossible." + +Oh! My poor little girl, what a life! How I longed to take her out of +it! + +He went on. + +"Strange how certain instincts show themselves under every condition. +Bobby was no physical coward, and to talk to and mix with casually, the +most perfect gentleman you ever met. Awfully well read and a topper at +classics and history, and sang like a bird. He had the grand manner, +and could attract any woman, though to give the devil his due--I believe +for some years he was faithful to Lady Hilda." + +"I should think so!" I said indignantly. "After accepting her great +sacrifice!" + +"Nothing lasts, my dear boy, that is not fundamental. Bobby was a rotter +through and through, and so he couldn't even behave decently to the +woman who had given up everything for him, once her charm went. +But--that something in human beings which is unaccountable, when they +are well bred, made him join the French Foreign Legion immediately war +broke out, and behave with great gallantry." + +"What brought on the last episode?" + +"He was probably bored in the dull post where he was, with not much +fighting to do lately, and resorted to his old game to cover up losses, +which he could not pay, and had the bad luck to be caught for the second +time. I told you he was a fool and did not know how to calculate the +price of his follies." + +"When did you hear of this?" + +"Only last night on my return, and there will be a disgusting scandal, +and the old story will be raked up and it is pretty beastly for +Englishmen." + +"Can money keep it quiet, George?" + +"I expect so, but who would be fool enough to pay for such a fellow?" + +"I would, and will, if you can manage it without letting my name +appear." + +"My dear boy, how does it interest you? Why should you do such a +quixotic thing? It is twenty-five thousand francs." + +"Only twenty-five thousand francs! I'll give you the cheque this minute +George, if you can, in your own way, free the poor devil." + +"But Nicholas--you must be mad my dear boy!--Or you have some strong +motive I do not know of." + +"Yes, I have--I want this chap freed from disaster, not for his sake, +but for the sake of the family. What must that poor lady have gone +through, and that poor girl!" + +George looked at me with his whimsical cynical eye. + +"It's awfully decent of you, Nicholas," was all he said though, and I +reached for my cheque-book, and wrote a cheque for thirty thousand +francs with my stylo. + +"You may need the extra five thousand, George--to make sure of the +thing, and I count on you to patch it up as soon as you can." + +He left after that, promising to see into the affair at once, and +telephone me the result--and when he had gone I tried to think over what +it all means? + +Alathea did not know of this when I asked her to marry me last week. She +must never know that I am paying, even if that makes matters easy enough +for her to refuse me. The reason of her long silence is because this +fresh trouble has fallen upon them, I am sure. I feel so awfully, not +being able to comfort her. The whole burden upon those young +shoulders.-- + +Just as I wrote that yesterday, Burton came in to say that Miss Sharp +was in the little salon, and wished to see me, and I sent him to pray +her to come in. I rose from my chair to bow to her when she entered, she +never shakes hands. I was awfully pained to see the change in her. Her +poor little white face was thin and woebegone and even her lips pale, +and her air was not so proud as usual. + +"Won't you sit down," I said with whatever of homage I could put into my +voice. + +She was so humbled and miserable, that I knew she would even have taken +off her glasses if I had asked her to, but of course I would not do +that. + +She seemed to find it hard to begin. I felt troubled for her and +started. + +"I am awfully glad that you have come back." + +She locked her hands together, in the shabby, black suede gloves. + +"I have come to tell you that if you will give me twenty-five thousand +francs this afternoon, I will accept your offer, and will marry you." + +I held out my hand in my infinite joy, but I tried to control all other +exhibition of emotion. + +"That is awfully good of you--I can't say how I thank you," I said in a +voice which sounded quite stern. "Of course I will give you anything in +the world you want." And again I reached for my cheque-book and wrote a +cheque for fifty thousand and handed it to her. + +She looked at it, and went crimson. + +"I do not want all that, twenty-five thousand is enough. That is the +price of the bargain." + +I would not let this hurt me. + +"Since you have consented to marry me, I have the right to give you what +I please--you may need more than you have suggested, and I want +everything to be smooth and as you would wish." + +She trembled all over. + +"I--I cannot argue now, I must go at once; but I will think over what I +must say about it." + +"If you are going to be my wife, you must know that all that is mine +will be yours; so how can a few thousand francs more or less now make +any difference, though if you have any feeling concerning it, you can +pay me back out of your first month's dress allowance!" and I tried to +smile. + +She started to her feet. + +"When shall I see you again?" I pleaded. + +"In two days." + +"When will you marry me?" + +"Whenever you arrange." + +"Must you go now?" + +"Yes--I must--I am grateful for your generosity, I will fulfill my side +of the bargain." + +"And I mine." + +I tried to rise, and she handed me my crutch, and then went towards the +door, there she turned. + +"I will come on Friday at ten o'clock as usual, Good-bye," and she bowed +and left me. + +What a remarkable way to become an engaged man!! But only joy filled me +at that moment. I wanted to shout and sing--and thank God! + +Alathea will be mine, and surely it will only be a question of time +before I can make her love me, my little girl! + +I rang for Burton. I must have rung vigorously for he came in hurriedly. + +"Burton," I said, "Congratulate me, my old friend--Miss Sharp has +promised to marry me." + +For once Burton's imperturbability deserted him, he almost staggered and +put his hand to his head. + +"God bless my soul, Sir Nicholas," he gasped, and then went on, "Beg +pardon, Sir, but that is the best piece of news I ever did hear in my +life." + +And his dear old eyes were full of tears while he blew his nose +vigorously. + +"It will be a very quiet wedding, Burton. We shall have it at the +Consulate, and I suppose at the church in the _Rue d'Agesseau_, if Miss +Sharp is a Protestant--I have never asked her." + +"The wedding don't so much matter, Sir Nicholas. It is having the young +lady always here to look after you." + +"Without her glasses, Burton!" + +"As you say Sir, without them horn things." And there was a world of +understanding in his faithful eyes. + +He left the room presently with the walk of a boy, so elated was he, +and I was left alone, thrilling in every nerve with triumph. How I long +for Friday I cannot possibly say. + +In the afternoon Maurice and Alwood Chester, and Madame de Clerté came +to see me, and all exclaimed at my improved appearance. + +"Why you look like a million dollars, Nicholas," Alwood said, "What is +up, old bird?" + +"I am getting well, that is all." + +"We are going to have a party on Sunday to introduce you to the +loveliest young girl in Paris," Solonge announced. "The daughter of a +friend of mine without a great dot, but that does not matter for you, +Nicholas. We think that you should marry and marry a _jeune fille +francaise_!" + +"That is sweet of you. I have shown how I appreciate young girls, have +not I?" + +"For that--no!" she laughed, "But the time has come--." + +I felt amused, what will Alathea think of these, my friends? Solonge is +the best of them. + +Maurice had an air of anxiety underneath his watchful friendliness. He's +fine enough to _feel_ atmospheres, or whatever it is that comes from +people, not in words. He felt that some great change had taken place in +me, and he was not sure what aspect it would have in regard to himself. +He came back after he had seen Madame de Clerté to her coupé!--She has +essence also now,--and his rather ridiculous, kindly, effeminate, +little dark face was appealing. + +"_Eh bien, mon ami?_" he said. + +"_Eh bien?_" + +"There is something, Nicholas, what? Was the clue of any use to you?" + +"Yes, thank you a thousand times, Maurice, I could trace the whole +thing. Miss Sharp comes of a very distinguished family, which I know all +about. Her uncle is a miserable Earl! That is respectable enough, +especially a tenth Earl! And her maternal grandfather was a 'Marquess.'" + +"_Vrai, mon vieux?_" + +"Quite true!" + +Maurice was duly interested. + +"You were right then about the breeding, it always does show." + +I had difficulty in not telling him my news, but I thought it wiser to +remain silent until after Friday! Friday! Day of days! + +Maurice suspected that there was something beyond in all this, and was +not sure which course would be the best to pursue; one of sympathy or +unconsciousness. He decided upon the latter and presently left me. + +Then I telephoned to Cartier to have some rings sent up to look at. I +have a feeling that I must be very discreet about giving Alathea +presents, or she will be resentful and even suspect that my bargain is +not entirely a business one. I am afraid I seemed a little too pleased +at our interview; I must be indifferently aloof on Friday. + +I suppose I had better not give her my mother's pearls until after the +ceremony. I wonder if there will be a fuss when I suggest her going to +the _Rue de la Paix_ for clothes? I apprehend that there will be a +stubborn resistance to almost everything I would wish to do. + +How will the Duchesse take it! Probably philosophically, once it is an +accomplished fact. + +At that moment Burton brought me in a note from that very lady! I opened +it eagerly, and its contents made me smile. + +The Duchesse wrote to remind me of a request I once made her, that if a +certain family were in trouble that I would assist them to any amount. +Twenty-five thousand francs were now absolutely necessary on the moment, +if I could send them to her by bearer, I would know that I was doing a +good deed! + +For the third time that day I reached for my cheque-book and wrote a +cheque, but for only the sum asked on this occasion, and then when +Burton had brought me note paper, I sent a little word with it, to the +Duchesse, and when I was alone again I laughed aloud. + +Three people determined upon it must surely save the scapegrace!--I +wonder which of the three will get there first! + +I would not go out anywhere to dinner, I wanted to be alone to think +over the whole strange turn of fate. Do strong desires influence events? +Or are all these things settled beforehand? Or is there something in +reincarnation, which Alathea believes in, and the actions of one life +cause that which looks like fate in the next? We shall have many talks +on this subject, I hope. + +I wonder, how long it will take for my little love to come voluntarily +into my arms?----? + + + + +XIX + + +_Saturday_: + +I wonder how long I shall go on writing in this Journal? I suppose once +I should be happy it would not be necessary; well the moment has not yet +come, in spite of my being the _fiancé_ of the woman I desire. + +At ten o'clock I was waiting for her in the sitting-room, and I was +thinking of that other time when I waited in anxiety, in case she did +not return at all. I was very excited, but it was more the exhilaration +I used to feel when we were going to have some stunning marauding +expeditions over No-Man's Land. The old zest was in my veins. + +I heard Alathea's ring, and after she had taken off her hat she came +into the room. I believed that her anxieties must be assuaged because +George Harcourt had telephoned late on Thursday night to say that he had +been successful, and that he had four thousand francs to hand back to +me, the affair having been concluded for twenty-six thousand. So what +was my surprise to see Alathea's face below her glasses more woebegone +than ever! At first it gave me a stab of pain. Does she really hate me +so? She did not mention the money, so I wonder if it is that she does +not yet know her father is cleared? I bowed as coldly as I used always +to do, and she asked me if I had a chapter ready for her to type? I +answered that I had not, because I had been too busy with other things +to have composed anything. + +"I think we had better discuss the necessary arrangements for our +marriage before we can settle down to our old work," I said. + +"Very well." + +"I shall have to have your full name and your father's and mother's and +all that, you know, to make it legal. My lawyer will attend to all the +formalities--they are quite considerable, I believe. He arrives from +London on Monday. I got him a passport by pulling a lot of strings." + +She actually trembled. It seemed as if the idea of all this had not come +to her, some of the value of her sacrifice would be diminished if the +family skeleton should be laid bare, I could see she felt, so I +reassured her. + +"Believe me, I do not wish you to tell me anything about your family. As +long as you can give just sufficient facts to satisfy the law, I have no +curiosity to see them unless I can be of use." + +"Thank you." + +"I think a fortnight is the quickest that everything can be settled +in.--Will you marry me on the seventh of November, Miss Sharp?" + +"Yes." + +"Do you care for the church ceremony, or will the one at the Consulate +do?" + +"I should think that would be quite enough for us." + +The ring cases were all lying upon the table by me--I pointed to them. + +"I wonder if you would choose an engagement ring?" and I began opening +the lids. "It is customary, you know," I went on as she started +reluctantly. I intended to be firm with her in all the points where I +had rights. + +"Don't you think it is a little ridiculous?" she asked. "A ring for a +mere business arrangement?" + +I would not allow myself to be hurt, but I was conscious that I felt a +little angry. + +"You would prefer not to choose a ring then? Very well, I will decide +for you," and I took up one really magnificent single stone diamond, set +as only Cartier can set stones. + +"This is the last thing in modernity," and I handed it to her. "A hard +white diamond of egregious size, it cannot fail to be a reminder of our +hard business bargain, and I shall ask you to be good enough to wear +it." + +I suppose she saw that I was not pleased, for she drew in her lips a +little, but she took the ring. + +Her hands seemed very restless as she held it, they were certainly not +nearly so red as they formerly were. + +"Am I to put it on now?" + +"Please." + +She did so, only she put it on her right third finger, her cheeks +growing pink. + +"Why do you do that?" I asked. + +"What?" + +"Put the ring on the wrong hand." + +She changed it reluctantly, then she burst out: + +"I suppose I ought to thank you for such a very splendid gift, but I +can't, because I would much rather not have it, please do let us keep to +business in every way, and please don't give me any more presents. I am +going to be just your secretary, with my wages commuted into some lump +sum, I suppose." + +I felt more angry, and I think she saw it. I remained silent, which +forced her to speak. + +"Do you intend that I shall live here, in the flat?" + +"Of course. Will you please choose which of the two guest rooms you +would prefer, they both have bathrooms, and you will have the decoration +re-done as you wish." + +Silence. + +My exasperation augmented. + +"Will you also please engage a maid, and go and order every sort of +clothes which you ought to have. I know by the way you were dressed when +I saw you in the _Bois_ that Sunday, that your taste is perfect." + +She stiffened as I spoke. It was quite plain to be seen that she loathed +taking anything from me, but I had no intention of ceding a single point +where I had the right to impose my will. + +"You see you will be known as my wife, therefore you must dress +according to the position, and have everything my mother used to have. +Otherwise, people would not respect you, and only think that you were +invidiously placed." + +Her cheeks flamed again at the last words. + +"It is difficult to picture it all," she said; "Tell me exactly what you +expect of me daily." + +"I expect that when you have breakfasted, in your room if you wish, that +you will come and talk to me, perhaps do a little writing, or go out to +drive, or what you wish, and that we shall lunch, and in the afternoon +do whatever turns up. You will want to go out and see your friends and +do what you please. And perhaps you will play to me as often as you feel +inclined, and after dinner we can go to the theatre, or read, or do +whatever you like. And as soon as my treatments with these doctors are +concluded, and I have my new leg and eye, and we shall hope war is +finished, we can travel, or go back to England, and then I shall begin +taking up a political career, and I shall hope you will take a real +interest in that and help me as though I were your brother." + +"Very well." + +"You will order the clothes to-day?" + +"Yes." + +She was subdued now, the programme was not very formidable, except that +it contained daily companionship with me. + +"Have you told the Duchesse de Courville-Hautevine yet that we are +engaged?" I asked after a moment's pause. + +Discomfort grew in her manner. + +"No." + +"Do you think that she will not approve of the marriage?" + +"She may not." + +"Perhaps you would rather that I told her?" + +"As you please." + +"I want you to understand something quite clearly, Alathea." She started +when I said her name, "and that is that I expect you to treat me with +confidence, and tell me anything which you think that I ought to know, +so that we neither of us can be put in a false position, beyond that, +believe me, I have no curiosity. I desire a companionship of brain, and +a sort of permanent secretary who does not feel hostile all the time, +that is all." + +I could see that she was controlling herself with all her will, and that +she was overwrought and intensely troubled. I knew that some barrier was +between us which I could not at present surmount. All she said after a +minute was: + +"How did you know that my name was 'Alathea'?" + +"I heard your little sister call you that the day I saw you in the +_Bois_. I think it a very beautiful name." + +Silence. + +Her discomfort seemed to come to a climax, for after a little she spoke. + +"The twenty-five thousand francs beyond the twenty-five I asked you for, +I cannot return to you. I feel very much about it, and that you should +pay for my clothes, and give me presents. It is the hardest thing I ever +had to do in my life,--to take all this." + +"Do not let it bother you, I am quite content with the bargain. Perhaps +you would rather go now after we have selected which room you will +have." + +"Thank you." + +She gave me my crutch, and I led the way and she followed. I knew +instinctively that she would choose the room which was furthest from +mine. She did! + +"This will do," she said immediately we entered it. + +"The look-out is not so nice, it only gets the early morning sun," I +ventured to remark. + +"It is quieter." + +"Very well." + +"It was rather arranged for a man, and is perhaps severe. Do you wish +anything changed?" + +She did not appear to take any more interest in it than if it had been a +hotel room. She had given it the merest glance, although it is quite a +little masterpiece in its way, of William and Mary--even the panelling +being English, and of the time, and the old rose silk window and bed +curtains. + +"I don't want anything altered, thank you." + +It seemed a strange moment, to be talking thus calmly to the woman who, +in a fortnight, will be my wife. I feel that a volcano is really working +under our feet, and that adds to the excitement! + +When we got back to the sitting-room I offered to send the carriage for +her to go and do her shopping, but she refused, and I thought it was +wiser to let her go. We shall have years to talk in presently, and there +is always the danger of our coming to an open rupture, and the bargain +being off, if we see much of one another now. + +"Good-bye," she said a little nervously, and I bowed and said +"Good-bye," and she went from the room. + +And when she had gone I laughed aloud, and began to analyse the +situation. + +George Harcourt has paid the gambling debt, therefore the fifty thousand +I gave Alathea cannot have been used for that. Some fresh worry is +perhaps upon the wretched family. The obvious thing for me to do is to +go and see the Duchesse, and yet I have some strange sort of wish that +it should be Alathea herself who tells me everything, and not that she +becomes aware, by inference, that I must know. I feel that our future +happiness depends upon her giving up all this stubborn pride. What is at +the back of her mind? I do not know. That resentment and dislike of me +has only become crystallized since the Suzette affair. I am sure she +thinks that Suzette is my mistress still, and this insults her, but she +reasons that with the bargain as it is, she has not the smallest right +to object. She is furious with herself to think that it should matter to +her. That is a thought! Why indeed should it matter if she is utterly +indifferent to me? Is it possible? Can it be that? No--I dare not think +of it, but, in any case it will be the most thrilling situation, once +she is my wife. + +I believe it would be wisest for me not to go to the Duchesse's but +simply to write her a note telling her of my news, then anything she +may tell me will be gratuitous. + +I had just finished doing this when once again a letter was brought in +from that lady, and this time it was to thank me for my cheque, and to +tell me that it had been the means of preventing a most disagreeable +scandal and bringing peace to a family! + +Sardonic mirth overcame me. So three separate people seem to be under +the impression that they have paid this gambler's debts! Each apparently +unaware that there was anyone else in the running! It looks as if +"Bobby" had wolfed the lot! Does Alathea know, and is this the extra +cause of her worry? + +I sent my note back by the Duchesse's messenger, who still waited, and +went to my luncheon. + +In about an hour the telephone rang--a request from the Hotel de +Courville that I should repair there immediately without fail. + +"Her Grace spoke herself," Burton said, "and said it was most important, +Sir Nicholas." + +"Very well, order the carriage. By the way. Burton, did you congratulate +Miss Sharp?" + +Burton coughed. + +"I did make so bold, Sir Nicholas, as to tell the young lady how very +glad I was, but she took it queer like, she stiffened up and said it was +only a business arrangement, to be able to write your letters and do +your work without people talking about it. That seemed funny to me, so I +said nothing more." + +"Burton it is funny for the moment, Miss Sharp is only marrying me for +some reason for her family, the same one which forces her to work, but I +hope I can make her think differently about it some day." + +"Pardon the liberty I am taking, Sir Nicholas, but perhaps she don't +like the idea of Mam'zelle, and don't know she's gone for good." + +"That is probably the case." + +Burton's wise old face expressed complete understanding, as he left the +room, and presently I was on my way to the Hotel de Courville, a sense +of exhilaration and of excitement and joy in my heart! + + + + +XX + + +The Duchesse was playing impatiently with her glasses when I was +announced by the servant of ninety! Her face expressed some strong +feeling. I was not sure if it was tinged with displeasure or no. She +helped me to sit down, and then she began at once. + +"Nicholas, explain yourself. You tell me you are engaged to your +secretary! So this has been going on all the time, and you have not told +me. I, who was your mother's oldest friend!" + +"Dear Duchesse, you are mistaken, it has only just been settled. No one +was more surprised at my offer than Miss Sharp herself." + +"You know her real name, Nicholas? And her family history? You have +guessed, of course, from my asking you for the twenty-five thousand +francs, that they were in some difficulty?" + +"Yes, I know Alathea is the daughter of the Honorable Robert and Lady +Hilda Bulteel." + +"She has told you all of the story, perhaps?--but you cannot know what +the money was for, because the poor child does not know it herself. It +is more just that I should inform you, since you are going to marry into +the family." + +"Thank you, Duchesse." + +She then began, and gave me a picture of her old friendship with Lady +Hilda, and of the dreadful calamity which had befallen in her going off +with Bobby Bulteel. + +"It was one of those cases of mad love, Nicholas, which fortunately seem +to have died out of the modern world, though for the truth I must say +that one more _séduisant_ than _ce joli Bulteel_, I have never met! One +could not, of course, acknowledge them for a crime like that, but I have +ever been fond of poor Hilda and that sweet little child. She was born +here, in this hotel. Poor Hilda came to me in her great trouble, and I +was in deep mourning myself then for my husband,--the house is large, +and it could all pass quietly." + +I reached forward and took the Duchesse's hand and kissed it, and she +went on: + +"Alatheé is my godchild, one of my names is Alatheé. The poor little +one, she adored her father, in all those first years. They wandered much +and only came to Paris at intervals, and each time they came, a little +poorer, a little more troubled, and then after a lapse I heard those two +were born at Nice--wretched little decadents, when my poor Hilda was a +mass of nerves and disillusion. Alatheé was eleven then. It was, _par +hazard_, when she was about fourteen that she heard of her father's +crime. She was the gayest, most sweet child before that, through all +their poverty, but from that moment her character was changed. It +destroyed something in her spirit, one must believe. She set firmly to +education, decided she would be a secretary, cultivated herself, worked, +worked, worked! She worshipped her mother, and resented immensely her +father's treatment of her." + +"She must always have had a wonderful character." + +"For that, yes," and the Duchesse paused a moment, then went on: + +"Quite a tremendous character, and as Bobby sank and poor Hilda became +more ill, and wretched, that child has risen in strength, and supported +them all. Since the war came they have almost lived upon her earnings. +The father is without conscience, and of a selfishness unspeakable! His +money all went to him for his use, and Alatheé was left to supplement +the mother's wretched two or three thousand francs a year. And now that +brute has again cheated at cards, and poor Hilda came to me in her great +distress, and remembering your words, Nicholas, I called upon you. It +would have been too cruel for the poor woman to have had to suffer +again. Hilda took the money and gave it to this infamous husband, and +the affair was settled that night. Alatheé knows nothing about it." + +Light was dawning upon me. The admirable Bobby has evidently played upon +the feelings of both wife and daughter! + +"Duchesse, why did you not wish me to know the real name, and would not +help me at all about 'Miss Sharp,'--won't you now tell me your reason?" + +The Duchesse shaded her eyes from the fire with a hand-screen, and it +came between us, and I could not see her face, but her voice changed. + +"I was greatly surprised to find the girl in your flat one day. I had +not understood with whom she was working. I was not pleased about it, +frankly, Nicholas, because one cannot help knowing of your existence and +your friends, and I feared your interest for a secretary might be as for +them, and I disliked that my godchild should run such a risk. When +_jeunes filles_ of the world have to take up menial positions they are +of course open to such situations, and have to expect difficulties. I +wished to protect her as well as I could." + +Suddenly I saw myself, and the utterly rotten life I had led, that this, +my old friend, even, could not be sure of my chivalry. I loathed the +lax, cheap honor of the world and its hypocrisy. I could not even be +indignant with the Duchesse, judging me from that standpoint. She was +right, but I did tell her that men had a slightly different angle in +looking upon such things in England, where women worked, and were +respected in all classes, and that the idea of making love to any +secretary would never have entered my head. It was the intelligence and +the dignity of Alathea herself which had made me desire her for a +companion. + +"It is well that you are English, Nicholas. No Frenchman of family could +have married the daughter of a man who had cheated at cards." + +"Even if the girl was good and splendid like Alathea, Duchesse?" + +"For that, no, my son, we have little left but our traditions, and our +names, and those things matter to us. No, frankly, I could not have +permitted the union had you been my son." + +So I had been right in my analysis of what would be the bent of my old +friend's mind. + +"You are pleased now, though, dear Duchesse?" I pleaded. + +"It seems impossible, from my point, and I would not have encouraged it, +but since it is done, I can but wish my dear Alatheé and you, my dear +boy true happiness." + +Again I took and kissed her kind hand. + +"In England, especially in this war time, questions are not asked, +_n'est ce pas_? She can be 'Sharp' simply and not Bulteel, then it may +pass. For the girl, herself, you have a rare jewel, Nicholas--unselfish, +devoted, true, but the will of the devil! You shall not be able to turn +her as you wish, if her ideas go the other way!" + +"Duchesse, the situation is peculiar, there is no question of love in +it. Alathea is marrying me merely that she may give money to her family. +I am marrying that I may have a secretary without scandal. We are not +going to be really husband and wife." + +The Duchesse dropped her fire-screen, her clever-eyes were whimsical and +sparkling. + +"_Tiens_!" she said, and never has the delicious word conveyed so much +meaning! "You believe that truly Nicholas? Alatheé is a very pretty girl +when properly dressed--" + +"And without glasses!" + +"As you say, without glasses, which I hear cover her fine eyes when in +your society!" + +"I asked her to marry me under those terms, and it was only upon those +terms she accepted me." + +The Duchesse laughed. + +"A nice romance! Well, my son, I wish you joy!" + +"Duchesse," and I leaned forward, "do you really think I can make her +love me? Am I too awful? Is there a chance?" + +The Duchesse patted my arm and her face shone with kindliness. + +"Of course, foolish boy!" And she broke into French, using the "thee" +and "thou" again affectionately. 'I was very handsome!--that which +remained,--and all would look the same as ever when the repairing should +be complete!' + +"So very tall and fine, Nicholas, and hair of a thickness, and what is +best of all, that air of a great gentleman. Yes, yes, women will always +love thee, _sans_ eye, _sans_ leg, do not disturb thyself!" + +"Don't tell her I love her, Duchesse," I pleaded. "We have much to learn +of each other. If she did not believe it was a bargain equal on both +sides, she would not marry me at all!" + +The Duchesse agreed about this. + +"Whatever she has promised she will perform, but why she does not love +thee already I cannot tell." + +"She dislikes me, she thinks I am a rotter, and I expect she was right, +but I shall not be in the future, and then perhaps she will change." + +When I left the Hotel de Courville it had been arranged that the +Duchesse would receive my wife with honour, her world only knowing that +I had married an English "Miss Sharp." + +I heard no more of my _fiancée_ until next morning, when she telephoned. +Did I wish her to come that day? + +Burton answered that I hoped she would, about eleven o'clock. + +I intended to tell her that I thought that it might be wiser now if she +did not come again until the wedding, as once we were engaged I would +not allow her to run the risk of meeting anyone and giving a false +impression. I think the strain would be too great in any case. + +I did not come in to the salon until she was there, and she rose as I +entered. She was whiter than ever, and very stern. + +"I have been thinking," she said, before I could speak, "that if I +promise to fulfill the bargain, and live here in the flat with you, +going through the ceremony at the Consulate is quite unnecessary. Your +caprice of having me for your wife merely in name in England, may pass, +and it seems ridiculous to be tied. I am quite indifferent to what +anyone thinks of me. I would prefer it like that." + +"Why?" I asked, and wondered for a moment what had occurred. + +"There are so many stupid law things, if there is a marriage, and if you +have the same from me without, surely you see that it is better." + +I first thought that it was this fear of my knowing her family history +which was at the root of this suggestion, but then I remembered that she +would know that I would hear it in any case from the Duchesse. What then +could it be? + +I felt cruel, I was not going to make things too easy for her. If she +has the will of the devil, she has also the pride! + +"If you are indifferent to such an invidious position as your new idea +would place us in, I am not, I do not wish my friends to think that I am +such a cad as presumably to have taken advantage of your being my +secretary." + +"You wish to go on with the marriage then?" + +"Of course." + +She clasped her hands together suddenly, as if she could control herself +no longer, and I thought of what she had said to Burton about feeling +that she could not fight any more. I would not allow myself to +sympathize with her. I was longing in every nerve of my being to take +her into my arms, and tell her that I loved her, and knew everything, +but I would not do this. I cannot let her master me, or we shall never +have any peace. I will not tell her that I love her until her pride is +broken, and I have made her love me and come to me voluntarily. + +She was silent. + +"I have informed the Duchesse de Courville that we are engaged. I saw +her yesterday." + +She started perceptibly. + +"She has told you my real name?" + +"I have known that for some time. I thought I had made it plain to you +that I am not interested about the subject, we need not mention it +again, you have only to talk to old Robert Nelson, my lawyer, when he +comes on Monday. He will tell you the settlements I propose to make, and +you can discuss with him as to whether or not you think them +satisfactory. Perhaps you on your side will tell me what reason you have +strong enough to make a girl of your natural self-respect, willing to +take the position of my apparent mistress?" + +She burst out for a second, throwing out her hands, then controlling +herself. + +"No, I won't tell you.--I will tell you nothing, I will just stick to +the bargain if I must. You have no right to my thoughts, only my +actions!" + +I bowed; disagreeable as she was, there was a distinctly pleasant zest +in fighting! + +"Perhaps of your courtesy, you will take off those glasses now, since I +am aware that you only wear them to conceal your eyes, and not that they +are necessary for your sight." + +She flushed with annoyance. + +"And if I refuse?" + +I shrugged my shoulders. + +"I shall think it very childish of you." + +With a petulance which I had never seen in her she tossed her head. + +"I don't care, at present I will not." + +I frowned but did not speak. This will be discussed between us later. +My fighting spirit is up, she _shall_ obey me! + +"Did you order the clothes yesterday?" + +"Yes." + +"Enough, I hope." + +"Yes." + +"Well, now, I have a suggestion to make which I am sure will please you, +and that is that you will appoint some meeting place with Mr. Nelson for +Tuesday morning, since you do not trust my good taste far enough even to +let me know your home address. Perhaps at the Hotel de Courville, if the +Duchesse will permit, and that then we do not meet until the seventh of +November at the ceremony. Mr. Nelson will arrange with you all the law +of the thing and what witnesses you must have, and everything, and this +will save these useless discussions, and give you a little breathing +space." + +This seemed to subdue her, and she agreed less defiantly. + +"And now I will not detain you longer," I said stiffly. "_Au revoir_ +until the seventh of November at whatever hour is arranged, or if we +must meet before at the signing of the contract," and I bowed. + +She bowed also, and walked haughtily to the door, and left. + +And greatly exhilarated, I decided to go and lunch with Maurice at the +Ritz. + +As I came from the lift, Madame Bizot's daughter came out of the +concierge's lodge with her baby, and it was making its same little +cooing, gurgling noises that caused me so to feel that time when Alathea +first began to interest me. I stopped and spoke to the mother, a comely +young woman, and the little creature put out its tiny hand and clasped +one of my fingers, and over me there came a weird thrill. Shall I ever +hear noises like that, and have a son of Alathea's and mine to take my +hand. Well the game of her subjection is interesting enough anyway, and +rather ashamed of my emotion, I went on into the Victoria and was +crawled to the Ritz. + +Here I ran into a fellow in the Flying Corps, who told me that Nina's +boy, Johnnie, had been killed the night before, in his first fight with +a Boche plane. I do not know that any of the tragedies of the war have +affected me more. My poor Nina! She really loved her son. I telegraphed +to her at once my fondest sympathies, and the thought of her grief would +not leave me all the way, war-hardened as I am. + +I did not tell Maurice of my approaching wedding. I have a plan that he +shall only know when I ask him to come to the Hotel de Courville to be +presented to my wife. + +The Fluffies have returned from Deauville, and Coralie and Alice joined +us at luncheon. They have the most exquisite new garments, and were full +of sparkle and gaiety. Alice's wedding, to the rich neutral, seems +really to be coming off. Her air was one of subdued modesty and +gentleness, and when I congratulated her she made the tenderest +acceptance of it, which would have done justice to a young virgin of +the _ancien regime_! Coralie met my eye with her shrewd small ones, and +we looked away! After lunch we sat in the hall for a little, Maurice +taking Alice to try on her clothes, so Coralie and I were left alone. + +"You are looking quite well now Nicholas," she whispered, "Why don't you +ask me to come and dine with you, at your adorable flat,--alone?" + +"You would be bored with me before the evening was over." + +"Arrange it, and try! Always there are the others, except that night at +Versailles. There is an air with you Nicholas,--one has forgotten all +about your eye. I have thought and thought of you.--You have interfered +with all my pleasures in life!" + +"I am going back to England quite soon, Coralie, won't you come now to +the _rue de la Paix_ and let me buy you a little souvenir of all the +lovely times we have had together in the last year?" + +So she came, and selected a gem of an opera glass. An opera glass is +discreet, it can be accepted by anyone; even a woman determined to +impress my mind with her dignity and charm, as Coralie was attempting to +do, upon our expedition. She had made up her mind that I should no +longer be just a benefit to the three of them, but her own especial +property, and she is clever enough to see that I am in a mood to admire +dignity and discretion! I spent a most amusing hour with her, enjoying +myself in the spirit of watching a good play at the _Comedie Français_. +At about four o'clock, when we returned to the Ritz, Coralie was +baffled. I could see that she was keener than ever, and beginning to be +a little worried and unsure of herself! + +As I drove back to my flat, taking a roundabout way through the Bois, I +mused and analysed things. And what is the psychological reason for some +presents being quite correct to give and some not? It all goes back to +the re-creative instinct and through what this manifests itself. Gifts +which have any relation to the body, to give it pleasure, or to decorate +it, are the expressions of the sex relationship, and so presumably the +subconscious mind, which only sees the truth in everything, only feels +harmonious when these gifts are given by either parents or relations, as +a dower, so to speak, or the husband or prospective husband. Hence +through the ages, the unconscious relegation of certain presents as +acceptable only from certain people. Any present which gives pleasure to +the mind alone is the tribute of friendship, but those to touch the body +are presumably not. I could give Coralie an opera glass as a mark of my +esteem, but a bracelet which she would wear on her arm would have +another meaning! + +Alathea resents every present, those for the body because they suggest +my possession of her, those for the mind because she feels no friendship +for me at all! + +Well, well! + +What will she do I wonder during the fortnight of our engagement? I feel +that I can afford to wait with patience and certainty. But the thought +that I do not even know my _fiancée's_ address, and that she is +resentful and defiant, and rebellious at everything, and yet intends to +marry me, on the seventh of November, is really almost humorous! + +And now it behooves me to put my house in order, and map out exactly +what I mean to do! + + + + +XXI + + +The days go slowly on, my preparations are complete. My good friend +Nelson arrived on Monday and took charge of the affair. He was entirely +aware of the Bulteel story, it was the great scandal of twenty-five +years ago. He expressed no opinion as to my marrying into such a family, +but went about the business end with diligence. I made a very nice +settlement upon Alathea, more than he thought was necessary. Then he +spoke of arrangements for possible children, and fixed that, too. I +wonder what she will say when she reads that part! I have settled with +the Duchesse, who is entering into the spirit of the thing with her +usual delicious whimsical understanding, that some time soon after the +wedding she shall ask about ten of our principal mutual friends to come +in the afternoon, and she will present Alathea to them, and if anyone +makes comments upon the matter, she will say that she is the daughter of +an old English friend, and even if Coralie recognizes her as the girl +who was with me at Versailles, she will not dare to say a word about any +protegée of the Duchesse's. She is much too afraid of offending her, +being received at the Hotel de Courville herself on sufferance only +because of her birth and family. As for Maurice, I can manage him! Now I +am beginning to wonder what Alathea would prefer to do? I don't want to +see her until the ceremony, but I suppose I must. + +The Duchesse has arranged that I should meet my _fiancée_ in her +sitting-room and sign the contract there on the day before the wedding, +five days from now. Alathea, she tells me is like a frozen image, but +faithful to her promise to me, my dear old friend has not made any +comment or tried to aid matters. I think she rejoices that I shall have +such an interesting time in the breaking down of the barrier. + +Nina writes heartbrokenly; Johnnie was very dear to her; sorrow seems to +have brought out all that is best in her. She says she feels that she +just drifted along, taking all good and happiness for granted, and not +doing enough for other people, and that now she is going to devote her +life to making Jim happy and contented, and hopes some day, not too far +off, to have another child to care for. Darling old Nina! She always was +the best sort in the world. + +Of Suzette I have heard nothing, although Burton says he caught sight of +her on the stairs just whisking into the flat above mine, which has been +taken by a lovely actress, a cousin of hers, who has married a rich +retired Jew _antiquaire_! + +There are still possibilities of complications here! + +But I feel quite serene, Alathea will be mine. She cannot get away from +me. I can insidiously, from day to day, carry out my plan of winning +her, and the tougher the fight is, the more it will be worth while +afterwards! + +_November 6th._ + +To-day was really wonderful! Mr. Nelson has presumably seen Alathea and +her family several times. I have refused to hear anything about it, and +he arrived with her alone at the Hotel de Courville. I had understood +that her mother was coming with her, but she was ill and did not turn +up. + +The Duchesse and I were talking when the two were announced. Alathea was +in a nice little grey frock and had her glasses on. I think she knew the +Duchesse would not approve of that camouflage, because there was an air +of defiance about her, her rebellious Cupid's bow of a mouth was shut +sternly, she was even quite repellant,--she has never attracted me more! + +The Duchesse was sweet to her and made no remark about the glasses, but +was called back to the ward almost immediately for a little, and while +she was gone Mr. Nelson read over the settlement. + +"I think you are giving me a great deal too much," Alathea said +annoyedly. "I shall feel uncomfortable,--and chained." + +"I intend my wife to have this." I answered quietly. "So I am afraid you +will have to agree." + +She pulled in her lips but said no more until the part about the +children came, when she started to her feet, her cheeks crimson. + +"What is this ridiculous clause?" she asked angrily. + +Old Mr. Nelson looked unspeakably shocked. "It is customary in all +marriage settlements, my dear young lady," he said reprovingly, and +Alathea looked at me with suspicion, but she said nothing, and the +Duchesse, returning then to the room, all was soon signed, sealed and +delivered! Mr. Nelson withdrew, saying he would call for Miss Bulteel +next day for the wedding. + +When we were alone the Duchesse kissed us both. + +"I hope for your happiness, my children," she said. "I know you both, +and your droll characters, the time will come when you may know each +other, and in any case, I feel that you will both remember that _tenue_, +a recognition of correct behaviour, helps all situations in life, and +the rest is in the hands of the _Bon Dieu_." + +Then she left us again, and Alathea sat stiffly down upon an +uncompromising little Louis XV _canapé_ out of my reach. I did not move +or speak, indeed I lit a cigarette casually. + +Alathea's face was a study! I watched her lazily. How had I ever thought +her plain? Even in those first days, disguised with the horn spectacles, +and the tornback hair, the contour of her little face is so perfectly +oval, and her neck so round and long, but not too long. There is not the +least look of scragginess about her, just extreme slenderness, a +small-boned creature of perhaps five foot four or five, with childish +outline. To-day in the becoming little grey frock, and even with the +glasses on she is lovely, perhaps she seems so to me because I now know +that the glasses are not necessary. The expression of her mouth said, +"Am I being tricked? Does the man mean to seize me when he gets me +alone? Shall I run away and have done with it?" + +She was restless, her old serenity seems to have deserted her. + +"I wanted to ask you," I began calmly, "What you would like to do +immediately after the wedding. I mean would you prefer that we went to +Versailles? The passport business makes everything so difficult, or +would you rather go down to the Riviera? Or just stay at the flat?" + +"I don't care in the least," she replied ungraciously. + +"Then if you don't care, we will stay at the flat, because if I do not +interrupt my treatment I shall be the sooner well to go to England. Have +you engaged a maid?" + +"Yes." + +"You will give orders that your trunks are sent in in the morning, then, +and that she has everything ready for you." + +"Very well." + +All this time her face was turned away from me as much as possible. For +one second a fear came to me that after all perhaps it is real hate she +has for me, which will be unsurmountable, and I was impelled to ask her: + +"Alathea, do you detest the idea of marrying me so much that you would +rather break the whole thing?" + +She turned and faced me now, and I feel sure blue fire was coming from +those beautiful eyes, could I have seen them! + +"It is not a question of what I would wish or not, nor of my feelings in +any way. I am going through with the ceremony, and shall be your +permanent secretary, because I am under great monetary obligations to +you, and wish for security for my family in the future. You put it to me +that you wanted to buy me, and I could name the price--you have overpaid +it. I shall not go back upon my promise, only I want to feel perfectly +sure that you will expect nothing more of me than what we have +arranged." + +"I shall expect nothing more; your sense of the fitness of things will +suggest to you not to make either of us look ridiculous in public by +your being over disagreeable to me, we shall carry on with a semblance +of mutual respect, I hope." + +She bowed. + +The temptation to burst out and tell her of my feelings was +extraordinary. I absolutely trembled with the control it required not to +rise from my chair and go and take her hands; but I restrained every +sign and appeared as indifferent as she is. The Duchesse came back in a +few moments and I said I would go. + +I did not even then shake hands with Alathea, and the Duchesse came out +into the passage with me, to see me safe into the lift, she is always so +kind to anything crippled. + +"Nicholas," she whispered, "Her manner to you is very cruel, but do not +be discouraged!--I feel that it is more promising than if she were kind. +She has also had a dreadful time with the father, who has now been +transferred to the _poste_ in the desert in Africa. One must hope for +good, and her poor mother is going off to Hyères with little Hilda and +their faithful old maid, the only servant they had, so after the wedding +you will have your bride all to yourself!" + +"Perhaps the thought of that is what is making her so reluctant and icy +to-day!" + +The Duchesse laughed as she handed me my crutch and closed the lift +door. "Time will tell, my son!" and she waved her hand as I disappeared +below. + +And now I am alone before the crackling fire in my sitting-room,--and I +wonder how many men have spent the eve of their marriages in so quiet a +manner? I feel no excitement even. I have re-read this journal, it is a +pretty poor literary effort, but it does chronicle my emotions, and the +gradual growing influence Alathea has been exercising upon me. By +putting down what happens between us each day like this, I can then +review progress once a week, and can take stock of little shades which +would not be remembered otherwise. + + * * * * * + +At that moment the telephone rang, and George Harcourt asked if he might +come round and smoke a cigar. + +"Your pre-war ones are so good, Nicholas," he said. He was in at the +Ritz, from Versailles, for the night. + +I answered "Yes." I like to talk to old George, I don't know why I call +him old always, he is forty-eight perhaps, and absolutely well +preserved, and women love him passionately, more perhaps than when he +was young. + +When we were settled in two comfortable arm chairs before the fire, he +held forth as usual. He had arranged the affairs of Bobby Bulteel only +in the nick of time. "I have all the receipts, Nicholas, to hand to +you," he said. + +"The wretched creature was overcome with gratitude. We had a long chat, +and he plans to clear out and start life afresh in the Argentine as soon +as War is over and he can be released from his commission. He is bound +to end in hell with his temperament, but it won't matter so long as poor +Lady Hilda is not dragged down too. He agreed to leave the family here +unmolested now, and not return for years to them, when he does retire +from the army." + +Then I told my old friend that I intended to marry the daughter on the +morrow. He was very surprised. + +"I could not imagine what your interest could be, Nicholas, unless it +had something to do with a woman, but where did you ever meet the girl, +my dear boy?" + +I explained. + +"You might come to the wedding, George," I said. + +[Illustration: Alathea (Harriet Hammond) realizes that Suzette (Renee +Adoree) is the only woman that stands between her and the love of Sir +Nicholas (Lew Cody). (A scene from Elinor Glyn's production "Man and +Maid" for Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer)] + +He promised he would, then he smoked for a minute or two in silence. +"Pretty terrible thing, marriage," and he puffed blue rings with perfect +precision. "I have never been able to face it. What has made you slip +into the mesh?" + +"Because I think I have found someone who will be a good companion and +not bore me." + +"You are not in love then? It is a sensible arrangement, and in that way +you have a chance of happiness; also the girl has had a hard life, and +may be grateful for comfort and kindness." + +"What do you suppose men really want, George?" + +"The continuous stimulation of the hunting instinct, of course. It is +satiety which kills everything, but what a small percentage of women +know how to keep it alive, on the mental side!" + +I waited for him to go on. + +"You see, dear boy, love which is only the camouflaged aspect of the +creative instinct, cannot really hold, but a clever woman acts as a spur +to the mind, keeps it hunting in the abstract, as well as gratifying, +not too generously, the physical desires. Unfortunately it has never +been my good fortune to encounter such a being, so I have never been +able to remain faithful. You are very much in luck if Bobby's girl shows +intelligence. She ought to be a remarkable creature because she was born +at the white heat of passion on both parents' side, and self-sacrifice +and devotion added on the mother's." + +"She is, George." + +"My best wishes, Nicholas. I think you are wise, probably wounded as +you are, it will be nice for you to have an agreeable companion," and he +sighed. + +"You have quite finished with Violetta?" + +"Now that is the odd part," and he actually removed his cigar from his +lips. "I thought I had, but when I went to see her with the certain +intention of deceiving her and backing out gracefully,--that vixen +Carmencita was drawing me so strongly!--I found Violetta quite tranquil. +She said she had realized that I was cooling off, and her rule was to +hold nothing which did not wish to stay, so she was quite prepared to +part from me. She was very tender, she looked beautiful, and you know +when it came to saying farewell, I found myself quite unable to do so! I +had prepared a lot of lies about my not being justified in giving the +time from my work, but before I could tell them Violetta had forestalled +me by assuring me that she knew I must really stick closer to my office, +and she would no longer expect much of my company. You know, Nicholas, I +suddenly found her charm renewed tenfold, and I could only congratulate +myself upon the fact that the affair with Carmencita had not gone far +enough to amount to anything, and now I am in pursuit of Violetta again, +and 'pon my soul, Nicholas, if she only keeps me wondering, I believe I +shall be really in love!" + +"Shall you marry, George?" + +He looked almost bashful. + +"It is just possible,--Violetta is a widow." + +Then our eyes met and we both laughed aloud. + +"You can contemplate happiness, George with your widow, because you feel +that she now knows how to handle you, and I contemplate happiness with +my little girl, because I respect her character and adore every inch of +her, and by Jove! old man, I believe we shall both get what we are +looking for!" + +Then our talk drifted to politics and the war, and it was just about +midnight before old George left, and when he had gone I opened the +window wide, and looked out on the night, there was a half moon almost +set, and the air was still, and very warm for the beginning of November. +There are nights like that, mysterious and electric when all sorts of +strange forces seem to be abroad. And something of romance in me exalted +my spirit, and I found myself saying a prayer that I might be true to my +trust, and have strength enough of will to wait patiently until my +Alathea comes voluntarily into my arms. + +And how I wonder what she is thinking about, there at Auteuil? + +I went along into the room which is to be hers to-morrow, and I saw that +it was all arranged, except the flowers, which would come in fresh in +the morning. And then I hobbled back to my own room and rang for Burton. +The faithful creature waits for me no matter how late I am. + +When I was safely in bed, he came over to me, and his dear old face +showed emotion. + +"I do indeed wish you happiness, Sir Nicholas, to-morrow will be the +best day of my life." + +We shook hands silently, and he left me, still writing in this journal! + +I feel no excitement, rather as if another act in the drama of life was +ended, that is all, and that to-morrow I am starting upon a new one +which will decide whether the end of the play shall be tragedy or +content? + + + + +XXII + + +I am not going to describe the wedding in this Journal. A civil ceremony +is not interesting in its baldness. I had literally no emotions, and +Alathea looked as pale as her white frock. She wore a little sable toque +and a big sable cloak I had sent her the night before, by Nelson. The +ring was the new diamond hoop set in platinum. No more gold fetters for +modern girls! + +Old George and Mr. Nelson were our witnesses, and the whole thing was +over in a few minutes, and we were being congratulated. Burton was by +far the happiest face there, as he helped me into the automobile, lent +by the Embassy. Alathea had just shaken hands with Mr. Nelson and been +wished joy by George. I wonder what he thought of the glasses, which +even for the wedding she had not taken off! + +"May you know every happiness, Lady Thormonde," he said. "Take care of +Nicholas and make him quite well, he is the best fellow on earth." + +Alathea thanked him coldly. He is such a citizen of the world that he +showed no surprise, and finally we were off on our way to the flat. + +Here Madame Bizot and her daughter, and the baby, awaited us! And in the +creature's tiny hand was a bunch of violets. This was the first time +Alathea smiled. She bent and kissed the wee face. These people know and +love her. I stayed behind a few moments to express my substantial +appreciation of their friendly interest. Burton had been beside the +chauffeur to help me in and out, and while we had been driving Alathea +had not spoken a word. She had turned from me, and her little body was +drawn back as far in the corner as possible. + +My own emotions were queer. I did not feel actually excited. I felt just +as I used when we were going to take up a new position on the line where +great watchfulness would be necessary to succeed. + +The maid Alathea had engaged arrived in the morning, and I had had the +loveliest flowers put in all the rooms. Pierre intended to outdo himself +for the wedding _déjeuner_, I knew, and Burton had been able to find +somewhere a really respectable looking footman, not too obviously +wounded. + +Alathea handed me my crutch as we got out of the lift. Perhaps she +thinks this is going to be one of her new duties! + +We went straight into the sitting-room and I sat down in my chair. Her +maid, named Henriette, had taken her cloak and hat in the hall, and I +suppose from sheer nervousness, and to cover the first awkward moments, +Alathea buried her face in the big bowl of roses on a table near another +arm chair, before she sat down in it. + +"What lovely flowers!" she said. They were the first words she had +spoken to me directly. + +"I wondered what would be your favorites. You must tell me for the +future. I just had roses because they happen to be mine." + +"I like roses best too." + +I was silent for quite two minutes. She tried to keep still, then I +spoke, and I could hear a tone of authority in my voice. + +"Alathea, again I ask you please to remove your glasses, as I told you +before, I know that you wear them only so that I may not see your eyes, +not for sight or light or anything. To keep them on is a little +undignified and ridiculous now, and irritates me very much." + +She colored and straightened herself. + +"To remove my glasses was not part of the bargain. You should have made +it a condition if you had wanted to impose it. I do not admit that you +have the least right to ask me to take them off, and I prefer to wear +them." + +"For what possible reason?" + +"I will not tell you." + +I felt my temper rising. If I had not been a cripple I could not have +resisted the temptation to rise and seize her in my arms, tear the d---- +d things off! and punish her with a thousand kisses. As it was, I felt +an inward rage. What a fool I had been not to have actually made the +removal of them a _sine qua non_ before I signed the contract! + +"It is very ungenerous of you, and shows a spirit of hostility which I +think we agreed that you would drop." + +Silence. + +The desire to punish her physically, beat her, make her obey me, was the +only thing I felt. A nice emotion for a wedding day! + +"Do you mean to wear them all the time, even when we go out in the +world?" I asked when I could control my voice. + +"Probably." + +"Very well then, I consider you are breaking the bargain in spirit, if +not in the letter. You, yourself, said you were going to be my permanent +secretary--no secretary in the world would insist upon doing something +she knew to be a great irritation to her employer." + +Silence. + +"You are only lowering yourself in my estimation by showing this +obstinacy. Since we have now to live together, I would rather not have +to grow to despise you for childishness." + +She started to her feet, and with violence threw the glasses on to the +table. Her beautiful eyes flashed at me; the lashes are that peculiar +curly kind, not black, but soft and dusky, a little lighter near the +skin. It is the first time I have ever seen such eyelashes on a woman's +lids. One sees them quite often on little boys, especially little +vagabonds in the street. The eyes themselves are intensely blue, and +with everything of passion and magnetism, and attraction, in them. It is +no wonder she wore glasses while having to face the world by herself! A +woman with eyes like that would not be safe alone in any avocation where +men could observe her. I have never seen such expressive, fascinating +eyes in my life. I thrilled in every fibre of my being, and with triumph +also to think that our first battle should be won! + +"Thank you," I said, making my voice very calm. "I had grown so to +respect your balance and serenity, I should have been sorry to have to +change my opinion." + +I could see that she was palpitating with fury at having been made to +obey. I felt it wise to turn the conversation. + +"I suppose lunch will be ready soon." + +She went towards the door then, and left me. I wondered what she would +say when she got to her room and found the three sapphire bangles +waiting for her on the dressing table! + +I had written on a card inside the lid of the box: + +"To Alathea with her husband's best wishes." + +Burton announced lunch before she returned to the sitting-room. I sent +him to say that it was ready, and a moment after she came in. She had +the case in her hand which she put down on the table, and her cheeks +were very pink, her eyes she kept lowered. + +"I wish you would not give me presents," she gasped a little +breathlessly, coming close up to my chair. "I do not care to receive +them, you have loaded me with things--the sables, the diamond ring, the +clothes, everything, and now these." + +I took the case and opened it, removing the bangles. + +"Give me your wrist," I said sternly. + +She looked at me too surprised at my tone to speak. + +I put out my hand and took her bare arm, her sleeves were to the elbows, +and I deliberately put the three bracelets on while she stood petrified. + +"I have had enough of your disagreeable temper," I said in the same +voice. "You will wear these, and anything else I choose to give you, +though your rudeness will soon remove my desire to give you anything." + +She was absolutely flabbergasted, but I had touched her pride. + +"I apologize if I have seemed rude," she said at last. "I--suppose you +have the right really--only--" And her whole slender body quivered with +a wave of rebellion. + +"Let us say no more about the matter, but go into lunch, only you will +find that I am not such a weakling, as you no doubt supposed you would +have to deal with." I hobbled up from my chair, Burton discreetly not +having entered the room. Alathea gave me my crutch, and we went in to +the dining-room. + +While the servants were in there I led the conversation upon the war +news, and ordinary subjects, and she played the game, but when we were +alone with the coffee, I filled her glass with Benedictine, which she +had refused when Burton handed the liqueurs. She had taken no wine at +all. + +"Now drink whatever toast you like," I told her. "I am going to drink +one to the time when you don't hate me so much and we can have a little +quiet friendship and peace." + +She sipped her glass, and her eyes became inscrutable. What she was +thinking of I do not know. + +I find myself watching those eyes all the time. Every reflection passes +through them, they are as expressive of all shades of emotion as the +eyes of a cat, though the beautiful Madonna tenderness I have never seen +again since the day when she held the child in her arms, and I was rude +to her. + +When we went back into the salon I knew that I was passionately in love +with her. Her restiveness is absolutely alluring, and excites all my +hunting instinct. She looks quite lovely, and the subtle magnetism which +drew me the first days, even when she appeared poor and shabby, and red +of hand, is stronger than ever--I felt that I wanted to crush her in my +arms and devour her, the blood thumped in my temples, I had to use every +atom of my will with myself, and lay back in my chair and closed my eye. + +She went straight to the piano and began to play. It seemed as though +she were talking, telling me of the passion in her soul. She played +weird Russian dances and crashed agonizing chords, then she played +laments, and finally a soft and soothing thing of McDowell's, and every +note had found an echo in me, and I had followed, it almost seemed, all +her pain. + +"You play divinely, child," I said, when she had finished. "I am going +to rest now, will you give me some tea later on?" + +"Yes," and her voice was quite meek, while she helped me with my +crutch, and I went to the door of my room. + +"I would like you to wear nice soft teagowns. My eye gets so wearied +with everything bright after a while. I hope--you have got all you want, +and that your room is comfortable?" + +"Yes, thanks." + +I bowed and went on into my room and shut the door. Burton was waiting +to help me to lie down. + +"It has been a very tiring day for you, Sir Nicholas," he said, "and for +her Ladyship also." + +"Go and have a rest yourself, Burton, you have been up since cock crow, +the new man Antoine can call me at five." And soon I was in a land of +blissful dreams. + +Of course it was the very irony of fate that Suzette should have +selected this very afternoon to come in and thank me for the Villa which +she was just now going down to see--! + +Antoine opened the door to her while Burton was out. I heard afterwards +that she told him she had an appointment with me when he had hesitated +about letting her in. She was quite quietly dressed and had no great +look of the _demi-monde_, and a new footman, blunted with war service, +was probably impervious even to the very strong scent which she was +saturated with--that perfume which I had never been able entirely to +cure her liking for, and which she reverted to using always when she +went away from me, and had to be corrected of again and again when she +returned. + +Antoine came to my room by the passage, and said "a lady was in the +salon to see me by appointment." + +For a moment I was not suspicious. I thought it might be Coralie, and +fearing Alathea might be somewhere about, and it might be awkward for +her, I hastened to rise and go in to see and get rid of the inopportune +guest. I told Antoine he must never let anyone in again without +permission. + +It was just growing dim in the salon, about half-past four o'clock, and +a figure rose from the sofa by the fire as I entered. + +"_Mon chou--mon petit cheri_!" I heard, simultaneously with a softly +closing sound of the door behind the screen, which masks the entrance to +the room from the hall--Antoine leaving I supposed at the time, probably +it was Alathea I surmised afterwards! + +"Suzette!" I exclaimed angrily. "Why do you come here?" + +She flew to me and held out her arms, expressing affection and grateful +thanks. She had come for no other reason only just to express her +friendly appreciation! To get rid of her was all I desired. I never was +more angry, but to show it would have been the poorest game. I did not +tell her it was my wedding day. I just said I was expecting some +relatives, and that I knew she would understand and would go at once. + +"Of course," she said, and shook me by the hand. I was still standing +with my crutch. She was passing to see her cousin Madame Angier, in the +flat above, and could not resist the temptation to come in. + +"It must be the very last time, Suzette," I said. "I have given you all +that you wanted, and I would rather not see you again." + +She pouted, but agreed, and I drew her to the door and saw her into the +corridor, and even followed her to the front door. She was chatting all +the time. I did not answer. I was speechless with rage, and could have +sworn aloud, when at last I heard the door shut between us, then I +strode back into my room, praying that Alathea _had_ been unaware of my +visitor. + +Nemesis, on one's wedding day! + +I waited until five and then went back into the sitting-room to my +chair, and Antoine brought in the tea, and turned on the lights, and a +moment or two afterwards Alathea came in. Her eyes were stony, and as +she advanced up the room she sniffed the air disgustedly, her fine +nostrils quivering. Suzette's pungent perfume was no doubt still present +to one coming from outside! + +Hauteur, contempt and disgust, expressed themselves in my little +darling's blue eyes. There was nothing to be said--_qui s'excuse +s'accuse--!_ + +She wore a soft lavender frock, and was utterly delectable, and when I +reflected that but for this impassable barrier, which my own action in +the past had been the means of erecting between us, I might now have +made her love me, and that on this, our wedding day, she might have been +coming into my arms. I could have groaned aloud. + +"May I open the window," she said with the air of an offended Empress. + +"Yes, do, open it wide," and then I laughed aloud cynically. I could as +easily have cried. + +Alathea would not of course have spoken about her suspicions, to do so +would have inferred that she took an interest in me beyond that of a +secretary; every impression she always has given me is that nothing in +my life can matter to her one jot. But I know that this affair of +Suzette does matter to her, that she resents it bitterly, that it is the +cause of her smouldering anger with me. She resents it because she is a +woman, and, how I wish I might believe that it is because she is not as +indifferent towards me as she pretends. + +She poured out the tea. I expect my face looked like the devil, I did +not speak, I knew I was frowning angrily. A rising wind blew the curtain +out and banged the window. She got up and shut it, then she threw some +cedar dust on the fire from the box which it is kept in on a table near. +She had seen Burton do this no doubt. I love the smell of cedar burning. + +Then she came back and poured out the tea and we both drank it silently. + +The room looked so comfortable and home like, with its panelling of old +pitch pine, cleaned of its paint and mellowed and waxed, so that it +seems like deep amber, showing up the greyish pear-wood carvings. One +might have been in some room in old England of about 1699. Everything +looked the setting for a love scene. The glowing lamps, apricot shaded, +and the firelight, and the yellow roses everywhere, and two human +beings who belonged to one another and were young, and not cold of +nature, sitting there with faces of stone, and in each one's heart +bitterness. Again I laughed aloud. + +The mocking sound seemed to disturb my bride. She allowed her tea cup to +rattle as she put it down nervously. + +"Would you like me to read to you," she asked icily. + +And I said "Yes." + +And presently her beautiful cultivated voice was flowing along. It was +an article in the _Saturday Review_ she had picked up, and I did not +take in what it was about. I was gazing into the glowing logs, and +trying to see visions, and gain any inspiration of how to find a way out +of this tangle of false impression. I must wait and see, and endeavor +when we get more accustomed to one another--somehow to let Alathea know +the truth. + +When she finished the pages she stopped. + +"I think he is quite right," she said, but I had not heard what the +argument was, so I could only say "Yes!" + +"Will it interest you going to England?" I then asked. + +"I dare say." + +"I have a place there you know. Shall you care to live in it after the +war is over?" + +"I believe it is the duty of people to live in their homes if they have +inherited them as a trust." + +"And I can always count upon you to do your duty." + +"I hope so." + +Then I exerted myself and talked to her about politics and what were my +views and aims. She entered into this stiffly, and so an hour passed, +but all the time I could feel that her inner self was disturbed, and +more resentful and rebellious than ever. We had been two puppets making +conversation all the time, neither had said anything naturally. + +At last the pretense ended, and we went to our separate rooms to dress +for dinner. + +Burton had returned by now, and I told him of the detestable thing which +had happened, at which he was much concerned. + +"Best of her sort was Mam'zelle, Sir Nicholas, but I've always said they +bring trouble, every one of them,--if I may make so bold!" + +And as I hobbled back into the salon to meet my wife for our first +dinner alone, once more I heartily agreed with him! + + + + +XXIII + + +Alathea looked perfectly lovely when she came into the salon dressed for +dinner. It is the first time I have seen her in anything pertaining to +the evening. She had a gauzy tea-gown on, of a shade of blue like her +eyes. Her nut brown hair was beautifully done, with the last "look" like +Coralie's, showing her tiny head. Whether she likes it or no, I must +give her some pearl earrings, and my mother's pearls. That will be a +moment! But I had better wait a little while. Her eyes were shining with +excitement or resentment, or a mixture of both. She was purely feminine. +She intended to attract me I am certain, her subconscious mind did at +all events, even though she would not have admitted it to herself. She +was smarting still about Suzette. The situation fills her with distrust +and uneasiness, but I know now, after analysing every point, when I +could not sleep last night, that she is not really indifferent to me. +And it is because she is not, that she is angry. + +I registered a vow that I would _make_ her love me without explaining +about Suzette, fate can let her find out for herself. + +I had not come to the comforting conclusion that she is not indifferent +at the beginning of the evening though, so the sense of self-confidence +and triumph did not uplift me then. I was still worried at the events +of the afternoon. + +I had troubled to put on a tail coat and white waistcoat, not a dinner +jacket as usual, and had even a buttonhole of a gardenia, found by +Burton for this great occasion! + +I looked into her eyes with my one blue one, which is I suppose, as blue +as her own. She instantly averted her glance. + +"I cannot offer you my arm, milady," I said rather sarcastically, "So we +will have to go in after each other." + +She bowed and led the way. + +The table was too beautifully decorated, and the dinner a masterpiece! +while the champagne was iced to perfection, and the Burgundy a poem! The +pupils of Alathea's eyes before the partridge came, were black as night. +Burton discreetly marshalled Antoine out of the room each time after the +dishes were handed. + +"When will you get your new eye?" my wife--I like to write that!--asked +in the first interval when we were alone, "and your new leg?" + +"I suppose they will both be restored to me in a day or two. It will be +so wonderful to walk again." + +"I should think so." + +Then something seemed to strike her suddenly, of how hateful it must all +have been for me. Her hard expression changed and she almost whispered: + +"It--will seem like a new life." + +"I mean to make a new life, if you will help me. I want to get away from +all the old useless days. I want to do things which are worth while." + +"Shall you soon go into Parliament?" + +"I suppose it will take a year or two, but we shall begin to pave the +way directly we go back to England, and I hope that will be for +Christmas." + +She avoided looking at me. I could never catch her eye, but her adorable +little profile was good enough to contemplate, the crisp curl by her ear +delighted me, and another in the nape of her neck filled me with wild +longings to kiss it, and the pearly skin beneath it! + +I think I deserve great praise for the way I acted, for the whole thing +was acting. I was cold, and as haughty and aloof as she was herself, but +I used every art I knew of to draw her out and make her talk. + +She is such a lady that she fell into the stride and spoke politely as +if to some stranger who had taken her into dinner at a party. + +At last we talked of the Duchesse, and we discussed her interesting +character, such a marvel of the _ancien régime_! + +"She is so very good and charitable," Alathea said, "and has always a +twinkle in her eye which carries her through things." + +"You laugh sometimes, too?" I asked with assumed surprise. "That is +delightful! I adore the 'twinkle in the eye,' but I was afraid you would +never unbend far enough so that we could laugh together!" + +I think this offended her. + +"Life would be impossible without a sense of humor, even if it is a grim +one." + +"Well, nothing need be grim any more, and we can both smile at the +rather absurd situation between us, which, however, suits us both +admirably. You will never interfere with me, or I with you." + +"No--" There was a tone in this which let me feel that her thoughts had +harked back to Suzette. + +"The Duchesse is going to have a little tea party for us on Saturday, +you know, so that you may be introduced as my wife." + +Alathea became embarrassed at once. + +"Will people know my real name?" + +"No--we shall tell no stories, but we shall not be communicative. You +will be introduced as an old English friend of the Duchesse's." + +She looked at me for an instant and there was gratitude in her +expression. + +"Alathea, I want you to forget all about the troubles which must have +clouded your life. They are all over now, and some day, perhaps you will +introduce me to your mother and little sister." + +"I will, of course when they come back from the South. My mother has +often been so ill." + +"I want you to feel that I would do anything for them. Are you sure they +have all they want?" + +She protested. + +"Indeed--yes, far more. You have given too much already." + +She raised her head with that indescribable little gesture of hauteur, +which becomes her so beautifully. I could read her mind. It said, "I +loathe receiving anything from him, with that woman in the background!" + +When we went into the salon I wondered what she would do. I did not +speak. She took my crutch and shook up my cushion, taking great care not +to touch me. I could not look up. I knew that a powerful electric +current would pass from my eye to hers, if I did, and that she would see +that I was only longing to take her to my heart. + +I remained silent and gazed into the fire. She sat down quietly on the +sofa at the side, so that I would have to turn my head to look at her. +Thus we remained for quite five minutes, speechless. The air throbbed +with emotion. I dared not move. + +At last she said, "Would you care that I should read to you again, or +play?" + +"Play for a little." My voice was chilly. I was quite determined the +iciness should come from me first, not her, for a few days. + +She went to the piano, and she began the Debussy she had played that +afternoon when I had first asked her to play--I never can remember its +name--and when she had finished she stopped. + +"What made you play that now?" I asked. + +"I felt like it." + +"It wrenches my nerves. What makes you feel all unrestful and rebellious +and defiant, Alathea, am I not keeping the bargain?" + +"Yes, of course." + +"You are bored to death then?" + +"No, I am wondering." + +"Wondering what?" + +She did not answer. I could not see her without getting up out of my +chair. + +"Please come here," I asked in an indifferent cold voice. "You know it +is so difficult for me to move." + +She came back and sat down upon the sofa again. The light of the apricot +lamp fell softly on her hair. + +"Now tell me about what you were wondering." + +Her mouth grew stubborn and she did not speak. + +"It is so unlike you to do these very female things, beginning sentences +and not going on. I never saw anyone so changed; once I looked upon you +as the model for all that was balanced, and unlike your sex. It was I +who used to feel nervous and ineffectual, now, ever since we have been +engaged, you seem to be disturbed, and to have lost your serenity. Don't +you think as it is the first evening that we are alone together that it +would be a wise thing to try and get at each other's point of view? Tell +me the truth Alathea, what has caused the alteration in you?" + +Now she looked straight at me, and there was defiance in her expressive +eyes. + +"That is just what I was wondering about. It is true, I seem to have +lost my serenity, I am self-conscious--I am conscious of you." + +A delicious sensation of joy flowed through me, and the feeling of +triumph began which is with me still. If she is conscious of me--! + +"Do you mind if I smoke?" I asked with complete casualness to hide my +emotions. She shook her head, and I lit a cigarette. + +"You were uneasy because you did not trust me, you thought underneath +there might be some trap, and that I would seize you once you belonged +to me. There was a moment when I might have felt inclined to do so, +though I would never have broken my word, but you have cured me of all +that, and there is nothing to prevent our being quite good +acquaintances,--even if your prejudice does not ever allow you to be +friends." + +For a second a blank look came into her expression. I was banking on my +knowledge of the psychology of a human mind, the predatory instinct must +inevitably be aroused in her by my attitude of indifference, if I can +only act well enough and keep it up! I should certainly win in a fairly +short space of time. But she is so attractive, I do not yet know if I +shall have the strength of mind to do so. + +"Are you not going to give me some regular work to do each day?" she +asked with a tone of mock respect in her voice. "None of the letters +have been answered lately, or the bills paid." + +"Yes. I scrambled through them all myself while I was waiting, but if +you will look over the book again, we might finally send it to a +publisher." + +"Very well." + +"I don't want you to feel that you have ever to stay in or do any work +you don't feel inclined for. We shall have lots of time, for the rest of +our lives. No doubt to-morrow you would wish to spend with your mother, +if she is going away." + +"I said good-bye to her this morning. There is no need for me to go +back. I came prepared to stay. Unless of course you would rather be +alone, then I can go out for a walk." This last with a peculiar tone in +the words. + +"Naturally you will want to go for walks, and drives, and shopping. You +don't imagine that I shall expect you to be a prisoner, just waiting on +my beck and call!" + +"Yes, that is how I took the bargain. It is quite unfair otherwise. I am +here as a paid dependant and receiving really too high wages for any +possible work I can give in return. I would not have entered into it +otherwise or on any other terms. I loathe to receive favors." + +"Madame Lucifer!" + +She flashed blue sparks at me! + +"I am not forced to command you to work you know," I went on "that is +not part of the bargain, the bargain is entirely concerned with my not +asking _you_ to give me any favors, personal favors, like affection, or +caresses, etcetera, or that I shall ever expect you to be really my +wife." + +She frowned. + +"Well, you may put your mind entirely at rest, you have been so awfully +disagreeable to me for so long, ever since we were at Versailles in the +summer, that you don't attract me at all now, except your intellect and +your playing. So if you will talk sometimes and play sometimes, that +will be all right. I don't desire anything else. Now, assured about +this, can't you be at ease and restful again?" + +I know why she wore glasses. She cannot control the expression of her +eyes! The pupils dilate and contract and tell one wonderful things! I +know that this attitude of mine is having a powerful effect upon her, +the feminine in her hates to feel that she has lost power over me--even +over my senses. I could have laughed aloud, I was so pleased with my +success, but I did not dare to look at her much, or I could never have +kept the game up. She was more delectable than I can ever describe. + +"It would interest me so much to know why your hands used to be so red," +I asked after a little pause. "They are getting so much whiter now." + +"I had work to do, dishes to wash, our old nurse was too ill, as well as +my mother, and my little brother then--" there was a break in her soft +voice. "I do not like red hands any more than you do. They distressed +my father always. I will try to take care of them now." + +"Yes--do." + +The evening post had come in, and been put by Burton discreetly on a +side table. He naturally thought such mundane things could not interest +me on my wedding night. I caught sight of the little pile and asked +Alathea to bring them to me. + +She did. One from Coralie was lying on top and one immediately under it +from Solonge de Clerté! Alathea saw that they were both in female +writing. The rest were bills and business. + +"Do you permit me to open them?" I asked punctiliously. + +"Of course," and she reddened. "Are you not master here? How absurd to +ask me!" + +"It is not; you are Lady Thormonde, even if you are not my wife, and +have a right to courtesy." + +She shrugged her shoulders. + +"Why did you put--'To Alathea from her husband' on the bracelets? You +are 'Sir Nicholas' and not my husband." + +"It was a _bêtise_, a slip of the pen; I admit you are right," and +indifferently I opened Coralie's effusion, smiling over it. I put up my +hand as if to shade my eye, and looked at Alathea through the fingers. +She was watching me with an expression of slightly anxious interest. I +could almost have believed that she was _jealous_! + +My triumph increased. + +I removed my hand and appeared only to be intent upon Coralie's letter. + +"Perhaps we each have friends which might bore the other, so when you +want to have parties tell me, and I will arrange to go out, and when I +want to, I will tell you. In that way we can never have any jars." + +"Thank you, but I have no friends except the Duchesse, or very humble +people who don't want to come to parties." + +"But you will be making plenty of new friends now. I have some which you +will meet out in the world which I daresay you won't care about, and +some who come and dine with me sometimes, who probably you would +dislike." + +"Yes,--I know." + +"How do you know?" I asked innocently, affecting surprise. + +"I used to hear them when I was typing." + +I smiled. I did not defend them. + +"If you should chance to meet, would you be civil to them?" + +"Of course, 'Coralie,' 'Odette,' and 'Alice,' the Duchesse has often +described them all! It was 'Coralie' who came to talk to you at +Versailles in the park, was it not?" + +Her voice was contemptuously amused and indifferent, but her little +nostrils quivered. Underneath she was disturbed I knew. + +"Yes, Coralie is charming, she knows more about how to put clothes on +becomingly than any other woman." + +"Do they dine often? Because I could perhaps arrange to go and have my +music lesson with Monsieur Trani on those evenings, twice a week or +oftener?" + +"You would refuse to meet them?" I pretended to be annoyed. + +"Certainly not, one does not do ridiculous things like that. I will meet +whoever you wish. I only thought it might spoil your pleasure if I were +there, unless of course you have told them that I am only a permanent +secretary masquerading under the name of your wife--so that they need +not restrain themselves." + +Her face had become inscrutable. She was quite calm now. I grew +uncertain again for a moment. Had I carried the bluff far enough? + +"They have all quite charming manners, but as you infer they might not +be so amused to come to the dinner of a married man. I think the last +part of your speech was rather a reflection upon my sense of being a +gentleman though. I of course have not informed anyone of our quaint +relations.--But remember you told me once you did not think I was a +gentleman, so I must not be offended now." + +She did not speak, she was looking down and her eyelashes made a shadow +on her cheeks. Her mouth was sad. + +Suddenly something pathetic about her touched me. She is such a gallant +little fighter. She has had such an ugly cruel life, and Oh! God she is +growing to love me, and soon shall I be able to tell her that I worship +the ground she walks on, and appreciate her proud spirit and great +self-respect? But I cannot chance anything. I must go on and follow what +I know to be sound psychological reasoning. + +I felt my will weakening then, she looked so perfectly exquisite there +in the corner of the sofa. We were alone.--It was nearly ten o'clock at +night, the flowers were scenting the air, the lights were soft, the +dinner had been perfection. After all I am a man, and she legally +belongs to me. I felt the blood rushing wildly in my veins. I had to +clench my hands and shut my eye. + +"I expect you are tired now," I said a little breathlessly. "So I will +say good-night--Milady, and hope that you will sleep well the first +night in your new home." + +I got up and she came forward quickly to hand me my crutch. + +"Good-night," she whispered quite low, but she never looked at me, then +she turned and went slowly from the room, never glancing back. And when +she had gone instead of going to bed I once more sank into my chair. I +felt queerly faint, my nerves are not sound yet I expect. + +Well, what a strange wedding night! + +Burton's face was a mask when he came to undress me. Among the many +strange scenes he has witnessed and assisted at, after forty years +spent in ministering to the caprices of the aristocracy, I believe he +thinks this is the strangest! + +When I was in bed and he was about to go, I suddenly went into a peal of +bitter laughter. He stopped near the door. + +"Beg pardon, Sir Nicholas?" he said as though I had called to him. + +"Aren't women the weirdest things in the world, Burton!" + +"They are indeed, Sir Nicholas," and he smiled. "One and all, from +Mam'zelle to ladies like her Ladyship, they do like to feel that a man +belongs to themselves." + +"You think that is it, Burton?" + +"Not a doubt of it, Sir Nicholas." + +"How do you know them so well, never having married, you old scallywag!" + +"Perhaps that's why, Sir. A married man looses his spirit like--and his +being able to see!" + +"I seem lonely, don't I Burton," and I laughed again. + +"You do, Sir Nicholas, but if I may make so bold as to say so, I don't +think you will be so very long. Her Ladyship sent out for a cup of tea +directly she got to her room." + +And with an indescribable look of blank innocence in his dear old eyes, +this philosopher, and profound student of women, respectfully left the +room! + + + + +XXIV + + +The day after my marriage I did not come into the salon until just +before luncheon, at half-past twelve o'clock. My bride was not there. + +"Her Ladyship has gone out walking, Sir Nicholas," Burton informed me as +he settled me in my chair. + +I took up a book which was lying upon the table. It was a volume of +Laurence Hope's "Last Poems." It may have come in a batch of new +publications sent in a day or two ago, but I had not remarked it. It was +not cut all through, but someone had cut it up to the 86th page and had +evidently paused to read a poem called "Listen Beloved," the paper knife +lay between the leaves. Whoever it was must have read it over and over, +for the book opened easily there, and one verse struck me forcibly: + + "Sometimes I think my longing soul remembers + A previous love to which it aims and strives, + As if this fire of ours were but the embers + Of some wild flame burnt out in former lives. + Perchance in earlier days I _did_ attain + That which I seek for now, so all in vain. + Maybe my soul and thine were fused and wed + In some great night, long since dissolved and dead." + +And then my eye travelled on to the bottom of the page. + + "Or has my spirit a divine prevision + Of vast vague passions stored in days to be + When some strong souls shall conquer their division + And two shall be as one eternally." + +We are both strong souls, shall we have the strength to conquer outside +things and be really "one eternally"? + +Alathea must have been looking at this not an hour or more ago, what did +it make her think of, I wonder? + +I determined to ask her to read the whole poem presently, when we should +be sitting together in the afternoon. + +It had come on to rain and was a wretched dismal day, I wondered why +Alathea had gone out. Probably she is as restless as I am, and being +free to move, she can express her mood in rapid walking! + +I began to plan my course of action. + +To go on disturbing her as much as possible-- + +To give her the impression that I once thought her perfection, but that +she herself has disillusioned me, and that I am indifferent to her now. + +That I am cynical, but am amused to discuss love in the abstract. + +That I have friends who divert me, and that I really only want her to be +a secretary and companion, and that any interest I may show in her is +merely for my own vanity, because she is, to the world, my wife! + +If I can only keep this up, and not soften should I see her distressed, +and not weaken or give the show away, I must inevitably win the game, +perhaps sooner than I dare hope! + +I felt glad she had not been there, so that I could pull myself +together, and put my armour on, so to speak, before we met. + +I heard her come in just before luncheon and go to her room, and then +she came on to the sitting-room without her hat. + +Her taste is as good as Coralie's, probably her new clothes come from +the same place, she appeared adorable, and now that I can observe her at +leisure, she seems extremely young,--the childish outline, and the +perfect curve of the little cheek! She does not look over eighteen years +old, in spite of the firm mouth and serene manner. + +I had the poems in my hand. + +"I see you have been reading these," I remarked after we had given each +other a cold good-morning. + +The pupils of her eyes contracted for a second, she was annoyed with +herself that she had left the paper cutter in the book. + +"Yes." + +"After lunch will you read to me?" + +"Of course." + +"You like poetry?" + +"Yes, some." + +"This kind?" + +Her cheeks became softly pink. + +"Yes, I do. I daresay I should have more classical tastes, but these +seem real, these poems, as if the author had meant and felt what she was +writing about. I am no judge of poetry in the abstract, I only like it +if it expresses some truth, and some thought--which appeals to me." + +This was quite a long speech for her! + +"Then poems about love appeal to you?" I asked surprised. + +"Why not?" + +"Why not indeed, only you always have seemed so austere and aloof, I +hardly thought such a subject would have interested you!" + +She gave a little shrug of her shoulders. + +"Perhaps even the working bees have dreams." + +"Have you ever been in love?" + +She laughed softly, the first time I have ever heard her laugh. It gave +me a thrill. + +"I don't think so! I have never talked to any men. I mean men of our +class." + +This relieved me. + +"But you dream?" + +"Not seriously." + +Burton announced luncheon at that moment, and we went in. + +We spoke of the rain, and she said she liked being out in the wet. She +had walked all down the _Avenue Henri Martin_ to the _Bois_. We spoke of +the war news, and the political situation, and at last we were alone +again in the salon. + +"Now read, will you please." + +I lay back in my chair and shaded my eye with my hand. + +"Do you want any special poem?" + +"Read several, and then get to 'Listen Beloved,' there is a point in it +I want to discuss with you." + +She took the book and settled herself with her back to the window, a +little behind me. + +"Come forward, please. It is more comfortable to listen when one can see +the reader." + +She rose reluctantly, and pulled her chair nearer me and the fire, then +she began. She chose those poems the least sensuous, and the more +abstract. I watched her all the time. She read "Rutland Gate," and her +voice showed how she sympathized with the man. Then she read "Atavism," +and her little highly bred face looked savage! I realized with a quiver +of delight that she is the most passionate creature,--of course she is, +with that father and mother! Wait until I have awakened her enough, and +she will break through all the barriers of convention and reserve, and +pride. + +Ah! That will be a moment! + +"Now read 'Listen Beloved.'" + +She turned the pages, found it, and began, and when she reached the two +verses which had so interested me, she looked up for a second, and her +lovely eyes were misty and far away. Then she went on and finished, +letting the book drop in her lap. + +"That accords with your theory of reincarnation, that souls meet again +and again?" + +"Yes." + +"In one of the books I got upon the subject it said all marriages were +karmic debts or rewards. I wonder what our marriage is, don't you? +Perhaps we were two enemies who injured each other, and now have to +make up by being of use, each to each." + +"Probably," she was looking down. + +"Do you ever have that strange feeling that you are searching for +something all the time, something of the soul, that you are +unsatisfied?" + +"Yes, often." + +"Read those last verses again." + +Her voice is the most beautiful I have ever heard, modulated, +expressive, filled with vibrant vitality and feeling, but this is the +first time she has read anything appertaining to love. I could hear that +she was restraining all emphasis, and trying to give the sensuous +passionate words a commonplace cold interpretation. Never before has she +read so monotonously. I knew, ("sensed" is the modern word), that this +was because she probably felt and understood every line and did not want +to let me see it. Suddenly I found myself becoming suffused with +emotion. + +Why all the delay, the fencing, the fighting, to obtain this desired +thing! This woman--my mate! + +That she is my mate I know. My mate because my love is not based upon +the senses alone, but is founded upon reverence and respect. I +hope--believe--I _am certain_ that we shall one day realize the truth of +the words: + + "When some strong-souls shall conquer their division, + And two shall be as one eternally! + Finding at last upon each others breasts + Unutterable calm and infinite rest." + +For me, that means love, not the mere gratifying of the hunting +instinct, not the mere primitive passion for the longed for body, but a +union of the souls, which can be satisfied, having soared beyond the +laws of change. + +What is it which causes unrest? Obviously because something is wanting +upon one of the planes on which we love, and so that part which is +unsatisfied, unconsciously struggles to have its hunger assuaged +elsewhere. + +There is no aspect of mind, body and soul in me, which I feel would find +no counterpart in Alathea. If I reached out to any height spiritually, +she could go as high, or higher. The cleverest working of the brain I +could hope to manifest would find a complete comprehension in her. And +as for the body! Any student of physiognomy can see that those delicate +little nostrils show passion, and that cupid's bow of a mouth will +delight in kisses! + +Oh! My loved one, do not make we wait too long! + + * * * * * + +Ye Gods! What a state of exaltation I was in when I wrote those lines +last night! But they are the truth, even if I now laugh at my expansion! + +I wonder how many men are romantic underneath like I am and ashamed to +show it? + +When Alathea had finished the verses for the second time, she again +dropped the book in her lap. + +"What is your conception of love?" I asked casually. + +"As I shall always have to crush it out of my life from now onward I +would rather not contemplate what my conception of it might have been." + +"Why must you crush it out?" I asked blandly. "Your fidelity to me was +not part of the bargain, fidelity has to do with the sex relationships, +which do not concern us. One would not ask a secretary to become a nun, +on account of one. One would only ask her to behave decently, so as not +to shock the world's idea of the situation she was supposed to be +filling." + +Her face grew subtle, a look came into the eyes which might have come +into George's or mine. I suddenly realized how well she really knows the +world from the hard school the circumstances of her life have caused her +to learn in. + +"Then I may take a lover, some day, should I desire to?" she asked a +little cynically. + +"Certainly, if you tell me about it and don't deceive me, or make me +look ridiculous. The bargain would be too unfair to you at your age +otherwise." + +She looked straight into my eye now and hers were a little fierce. + +"And you--shall you take a mistress?" + +I watched the smoke of my cigarette curling. + +"Possibly," I answered lazily, as though the matter were too much a +foregone conclusion to discuss. "Should you mind?" + +A faint movement showed in her throat as if she had stopped herself +swallowing. She looked down. I know she finds it very difficult to lie, +and could not possibly do so if we were gazing at each other. + +"Why should I mind?" + +"No of course, why should you?" + +She looked up then, but not at me. Her eyes flashed and her lip curled +in contempt. + +"Two seems vulgar though," she snapped. + +"I agree with you, the idea wounds my aesthetic senses." + +"Then we need not expect another--in the flat just yet?" + +At last it was out! + +I appeared not to understand, and smoked on calmly, and before I could +answer the telephone rang. She handed me the instrument, and I said +"Hello." It was Coralie! She spoke very distinctly, and Alathea, who was +near, must have been able to hear most of the words in the silence. + +"Nicholas, I am going to be by myself this evening, you will have a +dinner for me? Just us alone, _hein?_" + +I permitted my face to express pleasure and amusement. _My wife_ watched +me agitatedly. + +"_Non, chère Amie_--Alas! To-night I am engaged. But I shall see you +soon." + +"_Est il vrai--ce mensonge-la?_" + +Coralie said this loud! + +I put up my hand so as to be able to continue observing Alathea's face. +It was the picture of disgust and resentment. + +"Yes, it is perfectly true, Coralie--_Bon soir_." + +In a temper, one could gather, Coralie put the receiver down! And I +laughed aloud. + +"You see I prefer your intellectual conversation to any of my friends!" +I told Alathea. + +Alathea's cheeks were a bright pink. + +"It is not that," her tone was sarcastic, "so much as that you probably +have a sense of _tenue_, as the Duchesse says. After a little while you +will not have to observe it so strictly," and she rose from her chair +and went to the window. "If you are going to rest now, I would wish to +go out," her voice was a little hoarse. + +"Yes, do go, and if you will be near the _rue de la Paix_ go into +Roberts' and ask if the new menthol preparation has come, and if so +bring it back to me, it takes ages for things to be sent now." + +"I was not going to the _rue de la Paix_. I was going to a hospital." + +"Never mind then, and don't hurry back, Burton will give me my tea. So +_au revoir_ until dinner Miladi." + +I had to say all this because I was at breaking point, and could not any +longer have kept up the game, but would have made an ignominious +surrender, and have told her I loved her, and loathed the idea of a +mistress, and would certainly murder any lover she should ever glance +at! + +She went from the room without a word more. And left alone I tried to +sleep, but it was no good. I was too excited. I don't think I am such a +fool as to flatter myself. I am trying to look at the situation +abstractedly. And it seems to me that Alathea is certainly interested in +me, certainly jealous of Suzette, of Coralie, furious with herself for +being so, really convinced now that she has lost her hold upon me,--and +is uneasy, rebellious, disturbed and unhappy! + +All this is perfectly splendid,--my darling little girl! + +After a while I went to sleep in my chair, and was awakened by Burton +coming in to turn on the lamps. + +"Her Ladyship has ordered tea in her room, Sir Nicholas," he told me, +"Shall I bring yours here?" + +"Her Ladyship has come in then?" I said. + +"Her Ladyship did not go out, Sir," Burton answered surprised. + +What did this mean I wondered? But I saw no sign of Alathea until she +came in ready for dinner as the clock struck eight. + +She was pale but perfectly composed, she had evidently been having some +battle with herself and had won. + +All through dinner she talked more politely and indifferently than she +has for a long time. She was brilliantly intelligent, and I had a most +delightful repast. We both came up to the scratch, I think. + +She longs to visit Italy, she told me; she has not been there since she +was a child. I said I would take her directly the war would be over, and +things in the way of travel had become possible again. How strong her +will must be to have so mastered herself. No slightest sign of emotion, +one way or another, showed now. She was the serene, aloof companion of +the day at Versailles, before Suzette's shadow fell upon us. I grew +puzzled, as the evening wore on, and just a little unsure of myself. Had +I gone too far? Had I over disgusted her? Had all interest died out, and +so is she enabled to fulfill the bargain without any more disturbance of +mind? + +I asked her to play to me at last, I was growing so apprehensive, and +she went from one divine thing to another for quite an hour, and then at +ten o'clock stopped and said a dignified and casual "good-night" leaving +me sitting in my chair. + +I heard twelve and one strike after I too went to bed, no sleep would +come, I was reviewing things, and strengthening my courage. Then I got +up and hobbled into the salon to get the "Last Poems," the door was +open, why I don't know, nor do I know what impelled me to go out into +the passage and towards Alathea's room, some powerful magnet seemed to +draw me. The carpets are very deep and soft, no noise of footfalls can +be heard. I crept near the door and stopped. What was that faint sound? +I listened, yes it was a sob. I crept nearer. + +_Alathea was crying._ + +A soft continued moaning as of one in resigned distress. I could hardly +bear it. I could hardly prevent myself from opening the door and going +to her to comfort her. + +My darling, darling little girl! + +Flight was my only resource. So I left her to her tears, and returned to +my bed, and when I was safely there and could think, a wild sense of +triumph and power and satisfaction filled me! The weight, which all the +evening her marvelous self-control had been able to make me feel, lifted +from my heart, and I rejoiced! + +Is it possible that the primitive instinct of the joy of conquest could +make of me such a brute! + +_It gave me pleasure to know that my little love suffered!_ + +The sooner would she belong to me--quite! + + + + +XXV + + +Marriage is the most turbulent state I could have imagined! Whether or +not Alathea and I will ever get the tangle straightened out I am not +certain. Now as I write--Saturday afternoon, the ninth of November, +1918--it looks as if we were parted forever, and I am so irritated and +angry that as yet I feel no grief. + +The quarrel all arose from my fault, I suppose. When Alathea came into +the sitting-room at about ten o'clock she had blue circles round her +eyes, and knowing what caused them I determined to ask her about them +and disturb her as much as possible! This was mean of me. + +"You poor child! You look as if you had been crying all night. I do hope +nothing is troubling you?" + +Her cheeks flushed. + +"Nothing, thank you." + +"Your room cannot be properly aired then, or something. I have never +seen you looking so wretchedly. I do wish you would be frank with me. +Something must have worried you. People don't look like that for +nothing." + +She clasped her hands together. + +"I hate this talk about me. What does it matter how I look, or am, so +long as I do the things I am engaged for?" + +I shrugged my shoulders. "I suppose it ought not to, but one has a +feeling that one hates anyone under one's roof to be unhappy." + +"I am not unhappy. I mean not more unhappy than I have always had to +be." + +"But the causes which made you sad before have been removed surely, only +things which are occurring now from day to day between you and me, can +bring fresh trouble. Is it something I have done?" + +Silence. + +"Alathea, if you knew how you exasperate me by your silences! I was +always taught that it was very rude not to answer when one was spoken +to." + +"It depends upon who speaks, and what about, and whether they have a +right to an answer." + +"Then the inference is that I have no right to an answer, when you are +silent?" + +"Probably." + +I grew irritated. + +"Well, I think I have a right, I ask you a plain question--have I done +anything which has caused you distress--distress which is so evident +that you must have been crying!" + +She threw up her arms. + +"Why on earth cannot you keep to business, it is quite unfair. If I were +really your secretary and nothing more you would never persecute me for +answers like this!" + +"Yes I would. I have a perfect right to know why anyone in my service is +unhappy. Your fencing tells me that it _is_ something which I have done +which has hurt you, and I insist upon knowing what it is." + +"I shall not tell you," defiantly. + +"I am very angry with you, Alathea," my voice was stern. + +"I don't care!" hers was passionate. + +"I think you are very rude." + +"You have told me that before--well I am rude then! I will tell you +nothing. I will do nothing but just be your servant to obey orders which +relate to the work I have been engaged for." + +I felt so furious I had to lie back in my chair and shut my eye. + +"You have a very poor sense of a bargain, if you only keep it in the +letter. Your underneath constant hostility makes everything so +difficult, the inference of your whole attitude toward me, and of +everything you say and do, is that you feel injured, that you have some +grudge against me." + +I tried to speak levelly. + +"What on earth have I ever done to you except treat you with every +courtesy? Except that one day when you had the baby in your arms and I +was rude, but apologized, and that one other time when I kissed you, and +God knows I was sorry enough afterwards and have regretted it ever +since. What _is_ the reason of your attitude; it is absolutely unfair?" + +This seemed to upset her considerably. She hated the idea that she was +thought unfair. It may have made her realize too that she _had_ a +definite sense of injury. She lost her temper, she stamped her scrap of +a foot. + +"I hate you!" she burst out. "You and your bargain! I wish I was dead!" +and then she sank into the sofa and covered her face with her hands, and +by the shaking of her shoulders, I saw that she was crying! + +If I had been cool enough to think then, I suppose I could have reasoned +that all this was probably most flattering to me, and an extra proof of +her state of mind, but the agitation it had plunged me into made me +unable to balance things, and I too allowed my temper to get the better +of me, and I got up as best I could and seizing my crutch, I walked +towards my bedroom door. + +"I shall expect an apology," was all I said, and went in and left her +alone. + +If we are to go on fighting like this, life won't be worth living! + +I tried to calm myself and went in the window, but the servants came +into the room to make the bed, so I was forced to go back again to the +sitting-room. Alathea had gone into the little salon, I suppose, because +for the same reason, she could not have returned to her room. I sat down +in my chair quite exhausted. I did not feel like reading or doing +anything. + +It was to-day that we were to go to the Duchesse's in the afternoon for +Alathea to be presented to our friends as my wife! I wondered if she +had forgotten this! + +After an hour Burton came in with the second post. + +"You do look badly, Sir Nicholas!" he said. His face was perplexed and +troubled. "Can I get you anything?" + +"Where is Her Ladyship, Burton?" + +Then he told me that she had gone out. I could see he wanted to say +something. His remarks are generally valuable. + +"Out with it, Burton." + +"I do think it is Mam'zelle that's causing all the trouble. As bad luck +would have it, as I opened the door to let Her Ladyship out, who should +come up the stairs a moment after but Mam'zelle! They must have passed +on the floor below. Neither had taken the lift, which as you know, Sir +Nicholas, is out of order again, since last night." + +"Then she thinks Suzette has come in here to see me Burton. By Jove what +a devilish complication! I think we had better move from the flat as +quickly as we can." + +"It seems as if it would be advisable, Sir Nicholas." + +"Can you suggest anything, Burton? I really am quite knocked over +to-day." + +"Her Ladyship don't chat to servants like some ladies, or I could easily +let her maid know that Mam'zelle don't visit here, so that won't do," he +mused. "You could not tell her yourself straight out. Sir Nicholas, +could you?" + +"It would be difficult, because it presupposes I think she minds about +it, and for me to let her know that would insult her more than +anything." + +"Beg pardon, Sir Nicholas, but there was a young woman some twenty years +ago, who had a temper like, and I always found it was best just to make +a fuss of her, and not do no reasoning. That is what they wants, Sir +Nicholas, indeed it is. I've watched them in all classes for a matter of +many years. You can get what you want of them if you only make a fuss of +them." + +"What does 'to make a fuss of' exactly mean Burton?" + +"Well, it is not for me to tell you Sir, knowing ladies as you do, but +it is just kissing and fondling them, and them things, makin' them feel +that they're just everything,--even reasonable, Sir Nicholas." + +Burton's dryly humorous face delighted me. His advice was first class, +too! + +"I'll think it over," I told him, and he left me alone. + +That would be one way of winning or losing everything certainly! But it +would also be breaking my word, and I don't believe I could do that. + +Alathea came in in time for luncheon. Her face was set in a mutinous +obstinate mould. We went into the dining-room immediately, and so there +was no chance of conversation. I noticed that she wore no bracelets or +rings, nothing of mine, not even the wedding ring. + +We were icy to each other during the meal, and made conversation, and +when we were alone with the coffee I just said: + +"I hope that you have not forgotten that at four o'clock we are to go to +the Duchesse's to meet the friends that she thinks it is suitable for +you to know." + +Alathea started. I could see she had not registered this fact for this +date. + +"I would rather not go," she said resentfully. + +"I daresay you would. So would I, but we owe the Duchesse gratitude for +all her kindness to us, and I fear we must." + +We did not speak further. I could not talk until she apologized, and I +rose to go out of the room. She gave me my crutch. Her not apologizing +made me burn with resentment. + +I had not been in the salon a minute, however, before she came in, her +face crimson. She stood in front of me. + +"I apologize for showing my temper this morning. Would it not do after +to-day if I just lived out somewhere, and came in and worked as before? +It is a perfect farce that I live here, and wear a wedding ring, even +the servants must be laughing at me." + +"I notice you do not wear a wedding ring. Your whole attitude is +perfectly impossible, and I demand an explanation. What is the reason of +it? We made a bargain, and you are not keeping it." + +"If you will give me time to work, I will pay you back the fifty +thousand francs, and the clothes and jewels I can leave behind me--I +want to go." + +She spoke with a break in her voice now. + +"Why do you want to go suddenly, there is nothing different to-day to +yesterday or any other day? I refuse to be the puppet of your caprices." + +She stood clasping and unclasping her hands, never looking at me. + +"Alathea," I said sternly, "look me straight in the face and tell me the +truth. _What_ is your reason." + +"I can't" still her eyes were down. + +"Is there someone else?" My voice sounded fierce to my own ears. I had a +sudden fear. + +"But you said it would not matter if there was someone else--if I told +you," she answered defiantly. + +"There is someone else then?" I tried to be casual. "Look at me." + +Slowly she raised her eyes until they met my one. + +"No, there is no one.--I just don't want to live here, in this flat any +longer." + +"Unless you can give me some definite reason for this extraordinary +behaviour on your part, I am afraid I must refuse to discuss the +situation, and meanwhile will you please go to your room and fetch the +rings and bracelets." + +She turned and left without a word--I daresay she wondered what I was +going to do with them. + +She brought them back. + +"Come here close." + +She came rebelliously. + +"Give me your hand." + +"I won't." + +"Alathea, I will seize it, crippled as I am, and make you obey me by +force if you will not for asking." + +Her whole face expressed furious resentment, but she is too sensible and +level headed to make a scene, so she gave me her hand. I put the wedding +ring back, and the big diamond one. + +"Now you will wear them until you convince me of your reason so +thoroughly that I myself take them off, the bracelets you can do as you +like about--throw them away, or give them to your maid. And this +afternoon I hope I can count upon your instincts of being a lady to make +you behave so that no one can chatter about us." + +She drew away her hand, as though my touch burnt her. Her expression was +contemptuously haughty. + +"Of course you can count upon me for this afternoon," and she turned and +went out of the room again. + +And now I am waiting for her to come back dressed for the Duchesse's +reception, it is ten minutes to four o'clock. The volcano upon which we +are living cannot go on simmering much longer, there is bound to be an +explosion soon! + + * * * * * + +_Later:_ + +Things are developing! My bride and I never spoke a word on the way to +the Hotel de Courville. She was looking the most desirable morsel a man +could wish to present to his friends. The sable cloak and the most +perfect frock and hat. Her maid is evidently a splendid hairdresser. She +was "of a _chic_," as Maurice afterwards told me. + +I had telephoned and broken the news to him while I was waiting for +Alathea to come. He was not surprised, he pretended, and now that the +marriage is an accomplished fact, he is too well bred not to fall into +the attitude of delight about it. Maurice has no intention of dropping +me--married or single! + +Thus when we arrived, and went up in the lift to the sitting-room, we +found him among the first to greet us. + +The Duchesse kissed us both fondly, and said many pleasant things, and +having placed me in a suitable chair, brought everyone to me, and +presented Alathea to them all. + +They were the very _crême de la crême_ of the Faubourg who could be +collected in Paris--many are still in the country. Coralie was there, +with two resentful pinpoints in her clever little eyes, but the most +gracious words on her lips. + +They none of them could find fault with the appearance of my wife--nor +her manner. She has the ways of the _ancien régime_ like the Duchesse. +I could see that she was having a huge success. + +While everything seemed to be going beautifully and all the company had +gone on into another small anti-room where the "_goûter_" was, my dear +old friend came to me. + +"It is not progressing Nicholas--_Hein_?" + +"There is some screw very loose, Duchesse. She absolutely hates me and +wants to go and live out of the flat!" + +"_Tiens_!--She is jealous of some one. Nicholas, it is not possible that +you have still--?" + +I did not grow angry. + +"No indeed, that is over long ago, but I do believe she thinks it is +not. You see the person in question comes to see a relative who has +married an _antiquaire_ on the floor above me, and Alathea has seen her +on the stairs and imagines she comes to see me!" + +"And you cannot tell her?" + +"I am not supposed to know it would matter to her!" + +"_Bon_. Do you really love the child, Nicholas?" + +"_Chère Amie_, with my whole heart. I only want her in all the world." + +"And she is being impossible for you surely! I know her character--if +she thinks you have a mistress--her pride is of _le diable_!" + +"It is indeed." + +The Duchesse laughed. + +"We must see what can be done, dear boy. Imagine though what I have +discovered! That infamous father took that money that you gave, when the +affair had already been settled by _le Colonel_ Harcourt with your +money! A relation of mine attested at the investigation and had to know +the facts. Nicholas, you _preux chevalier_! You paid twice, and never +said a word! You are of a devotion! It was splendid of you, but my poor +Hilda is heartbroken that you have been so pillaged." + +At that moment the crowd returned from the other room and the Duchesse +rose and left me. + +Coralie now sat with me. + +"_Mes compliments_, Nicholas! She is lovely! But what a fox,--thou!" + +"Am I not? It is so delicious to find things out for oneself!" + +Coralie laughed; she has a philosophic spirit, as I have found always +those much love-battered ones possess. She accepts my defection and +again looks to the main chance to see how she can benefit by it. + +At last the whole thing was over, and Maurice and I had a cigarette +together in the tea room. + +People would be crazy, "simply crazy, my dear chap," about Alathea, he +told me. She was "_séduisante_," how right I had been! How fortunate I +was! When was I going to England? + +He said farewells after this, and once more _my wife_ and I were alone +in the brougham. + +Alathea wore her mask. Having been received now as my wife, and by the +Duchesse whom she loves and respects, she knows she cannot go on +suggesting she will not live in the flat with me. She cannot bring +herself to speak about Suzette, because the inference would be that she +objects. I wondered if the Duchesse had been able to say anything to +her. + +She did not speak at all and went straight to her room when we arrived. + +It was five minutes past eight when she came in to the sitting-room. + +"I am sorry if I have kept you waiting," were her first words. + +At dinner we spoke ceremoniously of the party. And when we went back to +the salon she went straight to the piano and played divinely for an +hour. + +The music soothed me. I felt less angry and disturbed. + +"Won't you come over and speak now?" I called in a pause, and she came +over and sat down. + +"Don't let us talk to-night," she said. "I am trying to adjust things in +my mind. I want to go to my mother to-morrow, if you will agree. She is +ill again, and has not been able to start. From there I will tell you if +I can force myself to keep on with it, or no." + +"I cannot understand why it should be so difficult, the idea did not +affright you when we first talked of it. You voluntarily accepted the +proposal, made your bargain, promised to stick to it, and here after +three days you are trying to break out, and are insinuating that the +circumstances are too horrible for you to continue bearing it. Surely +your reason and common sense must tell you that your behaviour is +grotesque." + +The same agitation which always shows when we talk thus overcame her +again. She did not speak. + +"I could understand it better if you were a hysterical character. You +did not seem to be so, but now no ridiculous school miss of romance +could be more given to the vapours. You will absolutely destroy the +remaining respect I have for you, unless you tell me the truth, and what +is underneath in your mind influencing you to behave so childishly." + +This stung her to the quick, as I had meant that it should. She bounded +up. + +"Well,--I will then. I hate being in the house--with your mistress!" + +She was trembling all over, and as white as marble. + +I leaned back and laughed softly. My joy was so immense I could not help +it. + +"To begin with, I have no mistress, but if I had how can it possibly +matter to you, since you hate me, and yourself arranged to be only my +secretary." + +"You have no mistress!" I could see she thought I was lying ignobly. + +"I had one, as of course you know, but the moment I began to think that +you might be an agreeable companion, I parted from her, at the time when +you saw the counterfoils in the cheque-book, and changed to me from +that moment." + +"Then--?" she still looked incredulous. + +"She has a cousin living in the flat above, married to an _anticaire_. +She comes to see her. You have no doubt met on the stairs. And on our +wedding day she came in here, not knowing, to thank me for a villa I had +given her at Monte Carlo as a good-bye present. I am very angry that she +intruded, and it shall never happen again." + +"Is this true?" She was breathless. + +That made me angry. + +"I am not in the habit of lying," I said haughtily. + +"_Mademoiselle la Blonde_," and her lips curled. "She came in while you +were at St. Malo. She inferred you had not parted then!" + +"That was because she was jealous, and is very temperamental. I had +thought that quality was confined to her class." + +I too can hit hard when I am insulted! + +Alathea flashed at me. She was beginning to realize that she was at a +disadvantage. + +"You are not unutterably shocked that I should have had a--friend, are +you?" + +Her face grew contemptuous. + +"No, my father had one. Men are all beasts." + +"They may be in the abstract, but are not when they can find a woman +worth love and respect." + +She shrugged her shoulders. + +"My mother is an angel." + +"Now that your mind is at rest as to this question, have you any other +cause of complaint against me? Though why it should matter to you what I +do or don't do in this respect, as long as I am courteous to you, and +fulfill my side of the bargain, I cannot think. One could imagine you +were jealous!" + +"Jealous!" she flared furiously. "Jealous, I! How ridiculous.--One has +to care to be jealous!" and then she flounced out of the room. + +Yes,--even when they appear all that is balanced, there is nothing so +amazing as a woman! + + + + +XXVI + + +_Sunday:_ + +I slept last night soundly for some strange reason, and woke quite late +on Sunday morning. + +One frequently has some sense of depression or some sense of exhaltation +before one is quite conscious, and quite often cannot account for either +state. Presumably Alathea had left me full of contemptuous indifference, +but I awoke with a feeling of joy and satisfaction, which gradually +changed to flatness, when I became fully aware of things. + +For indeed what reason had I for great rejoicing? None, except that the +menace of the Suzette bogie may be lifted. + +I rang for Burton. It was nine o'clock. + +"Has Her Ladyship breakfasted yet, Burton?" + +"Her Ladyship breakfasted at eight, and left the house at half-past, Sir +Nicholas." + +My heart sank. So I was going to have a lonely morning. She had said she +wanted to go to her mother, I remembered now. I did not hurry to get up. +The doctors were coming with the wonderful artist who is making my new +foot, at twelve o'clock, and I am to have it on to-day for the first +time. This would be a surprise for Alathea when she returned to lunch. I +read my journal in bed, and thought over the whole of our acquaintance. +Yes, certainly she has greatly changed in the last six weeks. And +possibly I am nearer my goal than I could have dared to hope. + +Now my method must be to be sweet to her, and not tease her any more. + +How wonderful it will be when she does love me. I have not thought much +about my own feelings lately. She has kept me so often irritated and +angry, but I know that there is a steady advance, and that I love her +more than ever. + +To see her little mutinous rebellious face softening--?--it will be +worth all the waiting. But meanwhile she is out, and I had better get +up! + + * * * * * + +I wonder if all the hundreds of other fellows who lost a leg below the +knee and were cripples for eighteen months felt the same as I did when +the new limb was fixed, and they stood upon two feet again for the first +time. + +A strange, almost mad sense of exaltation filled me. I could walk! I was +no longer a prisoner, dependent upon the devotion of attendants! + +I should no longer have to have things placed within reach, and be made +to realize impotency! + +It hurt and was awkward for a while.--But Oh! the joy, joy, joy!! + +After the doctors and the specialist had gone with hearty +congratulations, my dear old faithful servant had tears in his eyes as +he dressed me. + +"You must excuse me, Sir Nicholas, but I am so glad." + +Excuse him! I could have hugged him in my own joy. + +He arrayed me in one of Mr. Davies's pre-war masterpieces, and we both +stood in front of the long glass in my bedroom, and then we solemnly +shook hands! + +It was too glorious! + +I wanted to run about! I wanted to shout and sing. I played idiotic +tricks, walking backwards and forwards, like one of Shackleton's +penguins. Then I went back to the glass again, actually whistling a +tune! Except for the black patch over my eye, I appeared very much the +same as I used to do before the war. My shoulder is practically straight +now. I am a little thinner, and perhaps my face bears traces of +suffering, but in general I don't look much altered. + +I wonder what Alathea will say when she sees me! I wonder if it will +make any difference to her? + +To-morrow morning they are going to put in my eye. + +I have not written all this in my journal, it seemed too good to be +true, and I had a kind of superstitious feeling that I must not even +think of it, much less write, in case it did not come off. But now the +moment has come! I am a man again on two feet. Hurrah! + +I looked out of the window and kissed my hand to a young girl in the +street. I wanted to call to her, "I could walk with you now, perhaps +soon I could run!" She looked at me with the corner of her eye! + +Then I planned how I would surprise Alathea! I would be in my bedroom +when I knew she was in the salon before lunch, and then I would walk in! + +I became excited, there was about a quarter of an hour to wait. I tried +to sit down and settle to a book, but it was useless, the words conveyed +no sense. I could not even read the papers! + +I began listening to every sound, there were not many things passing at +this time on a Sunday morning, but of course she was walking, not +driving. One o'clock struck. She had not returned. Burton came in to ask +if I would postpone lunch. + +"Her Ladyship did not say when she would be back," he said. + +"We had better not wait then. I believe now she told me she would not be +in." + +Burton had opened a pint of champagne. On this tremendous occasion he +felt I should drink my own health! + +I had begun to lose some of my joy.----I wished she had been here to +share it with me.---- + + * * * * * + +I have walked up and down--up and down. It is four o'clock now, and she +has not returned. No doubt her mother is ill, perhaps,--perhaps-- + + +_Midnight:_ + +I have spent a beastly day. My exhilaration has all evaporated now. I +have had no one to share it with me. Maurice and everyone is leaving me +discreetly alone, knowing I am supposed to be on my +honeymoon--Honeymoon! + +I spent the afternoon waiting, waiting. And after tea when Alathea had +not arrived I began taking longer turns, walking up and down the broad +corridor, and at last I paused outside her room, and a desire came over +me to look in on it, and see how she had arranged it. + +There was silence. I listened a moment, then I opened the door. + +The fire was not lit, it all seemed cold and cheerless. I turned on the +light. + +Except for the tortoise-shell and gold brushes and boxes I had had put +on the dressing table for her, there was not an indication that anyone +stayed there, none of the usual things women have about in their rooms. +One could see she looked upon it just as an hotel, and not a permanent +abode. There were no photographs of her family, no books of her own, +nothing. + +Only the bracelets were on the table still in their case, and on looking +nearer, I saw there was a bottle of scent. It had no label, and when I +opened it I smelled the exquisite perfume of fresh roses that she uses. +Where does she get it? It is the purest I have ever smelt in my life. + +I looked at the quaint little fourpost bed that I had found in that shop +at Bath, a perfect specimen of its date, about 1699, with the old deep +rose silk pressed over the shell carving. + +I had an insane desire to open the drawers in the chest and touch her +stockings and gloves. I had a wild feeling altogether I wanted my love, +rebellious, unrelenting, anyhow! I just longed for her. + +I resisted my stupidities and made myself leave the room, and then tried +to feel joy again in my leg. + +Burton was turning on the lamps when I got back to the salon. + +"There are rumours that something is going to happen, Sir +Nicholas,--talk of an Armistice I heard when I was out. Do you think +Foch will do it?" + +But I know all these rumours and talks, we have heard them before, so +this did not affect me. I could feel nothing, as time went on, but a +passionate ache. Why, why must she be so cruel to me? Why does she leave +me all alone? + +Alathea, I would never be so unkind to you. And yet I don't know, if I +were jealous and angry, as I suppose she is, I could of course be much +crueler. + +Her Ladyship's maid had been given the day out by her mistress, Burton +informed me, so that we could gain no information from her. We waited +until half-past eight for dinner, but still my little girl did not come, +and in solemn state in a white tie and tail coat, I dined--alone! + +In spite of the champagne, which Burton again handed, apprehension set +in. What can have happened to her? Has she had an accident? Does she +mean never to return? Are all my calculations of no sense, and has she +left me forever? + +In despair, at ten o'clock I telephoned the Hotel de Courville. + +Lady Thormonde had been there in the morning, I was told, but the +Duchesse had left for Hautevine at two o'clock.--No one was in the house +now.--No, they did not know Lady Hilda Bulteel's telephone number. She +had no telephone they supposed.--No, they did not know the address. + +Auteuil, and the name Bulteel, that is all! Perhaps something could be +done on a week-day, but on a Sunday night, in war time, all was +impossible. And at last in an agony of doubt and apprehension, I +consented to retire to bed. + +Had I made some mistake? I tried to remember. She had said she meant to +decide if she could bear the situation or no, and that she was going to +her mother. She wanted to be with her. She had been ill and could not +start. Yes, of course that is it. The mother is ill, and they have no +telephone. I must wait until the morning. She cannot really mean not to +come back. In any case she would have let me know. + +But what an agony of suspense! + +Burton came and gave me my medicine, when I was in bed, and although I +knew it was a camouflaged sleeping draught, I drank it. I just could not +bear it any longer. + +But I only slept until four, and now I am sitting up writing this, and +I feel as if every queer force was abroad, and that all sorts of +momentous things are happening.--Oh, when will daylight come-- + + * * * * * + +I was awakened by cannon! + +I leaped from my bed. Yes, leaped! I had been dreaming that a surprise +party of Germans were attacking the trench, and I was just rallying the +men for a final dash when heavy guns began a bombardment which was +unexpected.--Oh God! let me get up and over the top in time! + +Wild with excitement, I was now wide awake! + +Yes, there were cannons booming! + +Had Bertha begun again? + +What was happening? + +Then I heard murmurs in the street. I rang the bell violently. I had +slept very late. Burton rushed in. + +"An Armistice, Sir Nicholas," he cried joyously. + +"It's true after all!" + +An Armistice! Oh, God! + +So at last, at last we have won, and it has not been all in vain! + +I shook with emotion. How utterly absorbed in my own affairs I had been +not to have taken in that this was coming. George Harcourt had +telephoned that he had news for me, I remember now, while we were at the +Hotel de Courville on Saturday, and I had paid no attention. + +I was too excited all through breakfast to feel renewed anxiety about +Alathea. I was accepting the fact that she had stayed with her mother. +Surely, surely she would be in soon now! + +The oculist, and his artist-craftsman, would be arriving soon, at eleven +o'clock, if the excitement of an Armistice does not prevent them! I hope +all that won't be going on when Alathea does come in! + +Burton has questioned her maid. She knows nothing of Miladi's movements +only that she herself had been given permission to go out for the day. + +All the servants have gone more or less crazy! Pierre hopped in just +now, jolly old chap! and in his excitement embraced me on both cheeks! + +(He has a wooden stump, not a smart footed thing like mine, but I shall +change all that now!). + +Antoine could not contain himself, and heaven knows what the +underservants did! + +I told them all to run out and see what was happening, but Pierre said +no, the _déjeuner_ of Monsieur must not be neglected. Time enough in the +afternoon! + +Eleven came, and with it the oculist, and by luncheon time I had a +second blue eye! But Oh! the shouting in the streets and the passionate +joy in the air! + +The two men preened themselves upon keeping this appointment upon so +great a day, and indeed my gratitude was deep. But the same gladness did +not hold me as when my leg was given back to me. Everything was now +swallowed up in an overwhelming suspense. + +What could have kept Alathea? + +I walked to the glass soberly when the doctors had gone, eager to get +away and join the rejoicers. And what I saw startled me. How astonishing +the art of these things is now! Unless I turn my glance in some +impossible way I have apparently two bright blue eyes, with the same +lids and lashes, the scrap of shrapnel only injured the orb itself, and +did not touch the lid, fortunately, and the socket had healed up +miraculously in the last month. I am not now a disgusting object. +Perhaps, possibly--Yes, can I induce her to love me soon? + +But what is the good of it all? She has not returned, and now something +must be done. + +But on this day of days no one could be found to attend to anything! +Shops were shut, post offices did not work. The city was mad with +rejoicing. + +At luncheon I ate,--gulped down my food. Burton's calm reassured me. + +"You don't think anything has happened, do you Burton?" + +"No, Sir Nicholas. Her Ladyship is no doubt with her family. I don't +feel that anything is amiss. Her Grace returns to-morrow anyway, and we +can hear for sure then. Would you not care to drive out and see the +people, Sir? It is a day!" + +But I told him no. He must go, they all could go. I would wait in and +could now attend to myself! But I knew somehow that the dear old boy +would not leave me. + +The hours went by, the shouting grew louder, as bands passed on their +way to the _Champs Elysées_ to see the cannon, which I heard were now +dragged there. Burton came in from time to time to tell me the news, +gathered from the _concierge_ below. + +I telephoned to Maurice, he was wild with delight! They were going to +have a great dinner at the Ritz and then go and _farandole_ in the +streets with the people, would not we (_we!_) join them! + +Everyone was going. Odette telephoned too, and Daisy Ryven. All were +rejoicing and happy. + +The agony grew and grew. What if she means to leave me and has just +disappeared, not telling me on purpose to punish me? At this thought I +went frantically into her room again, and looked on the dressing-table. +The ring cases were there in a drawer in the William and Mary +looking-glass, but no rings. No, if she had not meant to return she +would have left them behind her. This gave me hope. + +I had the fire lit. Burton lit it, everyone else was out. + +Of course the crowd has prevented her returning. There would be great +difficulty in getting back from Auteuil. + +Some of the fellows of the Supreme War Council rang up. They were less +exhilarated by the news. A pity, they thought. Foch could have entered +Berlin in a week! + +At last, when I had been pacing like a restless tiger, and twilight was +coming, I sank into my chair overcome with the strain. + +I did not mean to feel the drivel of self pity, but it is a ghastly +thing to be all alone and anxious, when everyone else is shouting for +joy. + +I was staring into the fire. I had not had the lights lit on purpose. I +wanted the soft shadows to soothe me. Burton had gone down again to the +_concierge_. + +A bitterness and a melancholy I cannot describe was holding me. Of what +good my leg and my eye if I am to suffer torment once more? A sense of +forsakenness held me. Perhaps I dozed, because I was worn out, when +suddenly I was conscious of a closing door, and opening my eye, I saw +that Alathea stood before me. + +A log fell and blazed brightly, and I could see that her face was +greatly moved. + +"I am so sorry if you have been anxious.--Burton says you have. I would +have been back earlier but I was caught in the crowd." + +I reached out and turned on the lamp near me, and when she saw my eye +and leg, she fell upon her knees at my side. + +"Oh! Nicholas," she cried brokenly, and I put out my hand and took her +hand. + + * * * * * + +What a thing is joy! + +My heart beat madly, the blood rushed in my veins. What was that noise I +heard in my ear beyond the shouting in the street? + +Was it the cooing which used to haunt my dreams? + +Yes it was. And Alathea's voice was murmuring in French: + +"_Pardon, pardon, j' etais si bien ingrate--Pardonnez moi--Hein?_" + +I wanted to whisper: + +"Darling you have returned,--nothing matters any more," but I controlled +myself. She must finally surrender first! + +Then she sprang to her feet and stood back to look at me. I rose too and +there towered above her. + +"Oh, I am so glad, so glad," she said tremulously. "How wonderful,--how +miraculous!--It is for this great day!" + +"I thought that you had left me altogether." I was a little breathless, +"I was so very sad." + +Now she looked down. + +"Nicholas," (how I loved to hear her pronounce my name) "Nicholas, I +have heard from my mother of your great generosity. You had helped us +without ever telling me, and then paid again to stop my mother's +anxiety, and again to stop mine. Oh! I am ashamed,--humbled, that I have +been as I have been to you, forgive me, forgive me, I ask you to from my +heart." + +"I have nothing to forgive child. Come let us sit down and talk +everything over," and I sank into the sofa and she came beside me. + +She would not look at me, however, but her little face was gentle and +shy. "I cannot understand though why you did all that. I cannot +understand anything about it all.--You do not love me.--You only wanted +me for your secretary, and yet you paid over a hundred thousand francs! +The generosity is great." + +I gazed and gazed at her. + +"And you hate me," I said as coolly as I could "and let me buy you, so +that you could save your family.--Your sacrifice was immense." + +Suddenly she looked straight up at me, her eyes filled with passion, so +that wild fire kindled in my blood. + +"Nicholas,--I do not hate you." + +I took both her hands and drew her to me, while outside in the street +they were singing the _Marseillaise_ and yelling for joy. + +"Alathea, tell me the truth, what then do you feel?" + +"I don't know. I wanted to murder Suzette. I could have drowned +Coralie.--Perhaps you can tell me,--here in your arms--!" + +And with wild abandon she fell forward into my fond embrace. + +Ah! God! The bliss of the next few moments with her soft lips pressed to +mine! Then I could not repeat often enough that I loved her, nor make +her tell me how she loved me in return! + +Afterwards, I grew masterful and ordered her to recount to me everything +from the very beginning. + +Yes, she had been attracted by me from the first day, but she hated the +friends I had round me, and she did not like the aimlessness of my life. + +"Whenever I used to be growing too contemptuous though, Nicholas, I used +to remember the V.C., and then the feeling went off, but I was growing +angrier and angrier with myself, because in spite of believing you only +thought of me as one of them, I could not prevent myself from loving +you. There is something about you that made one forget all about your +leg and your eye!" + +"Those cheques disgusted you!" and I kissed the little curl by her +ear--she was clasped close to me now.--"That was the beginning of my +determination to conquer you and have you for my own!" + +She caressed my hair. + +"I adore thick hair, Nicholas," she whispered, "but now you have had +enough flattery! I am off to dress!" + +She struggled and pretended she wanted to leave me, but I would not let +her go. + +"Only when I please and at a price! I want to show you that you have a +husband who in spite of a wooden leg and a glass eye, is a powerful +brute!" + +"I love you,--strong like that," she cooed, her eyes soft with passion +again. "I am not good really,--or austere,--or cold." + +And I knew it was true as she paid the toll! + +Presently I made her let me come and choose which frock she was to put +on for dinner, and I insisted that I should stay and see her hair being +brushed, and the maid, Henriette, with her French eye, beamed upon us +understandingly! + +While Burton almost blubbered with happiness when I told him His +Ladyship and I were friends again. + +"I knew it, Sir Nicholas, if you'd just made a fuss of her." + +How right he was! + +What a dinner we had, gay as two children, fond and foolish as +sweethearts always are,--and then the afterwards! + +"Let us go and see the streets," my little love implored, "I feel that +we should shout our divine happiness with the crowd!" + +But when we went out on the balcony to investigate, we saw that would be +impossible, I am not yet steady enough on my feet to have faced that +throng. So we stood there and sang and cheered with them, as they swept +on towards the _Arc de Triomphe_, and gradually a delirious intoxication +held us both, and I drew her back into the softly lighted room. + +"Lover!" she whispered as she melted into my arms, and all I answered +was, "Soul of Mine." + +And now I know what the whole of those verses mean! + +And so this Journal is done! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Man and Maid, by Elinor Glyn + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAN AND MAID *** + +***** This file should be named 20512-8.txt or 20512-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/5/1/20512/ + +Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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